# Am I Needy, Jealous, or Childish?



## diogenes72 (Jan 10, 2016)

My wife alternately works 3 days and then 5 days per week half-days. I work 5 days and week and once month 7 days a week. I have asked her and let her know it would mean a lot if she would find the time to come and eat lunch with me at least once a month. I know she goes to breakfast with her friends as well as lunch but, never finds time for me and it is more hurtful she never tells me what kept her occupied. I can accept her not visiting for lunch if she had to go shopping or wanted to go shopping or needed to get an oil change... It has been so long and I am hurt. I do NOT want to have lunch with her anymore and I don't feel attracted to her anymore. I love her but I am not in love with her. I sometimes just cry, literally thinking why she will not find the time for me. Am I overreacting?


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Hard to say without knowing how much time you actually spend together and how the two of you get along.

Doesn't seem all that unreasonable to want to spend a lunch with her now and again.

But crying over it? Yeah that's a bit much.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

diogenes72 said:


> My wife alternately works 3 days and then 5 days per week half-days. I work 5 days and week and once month 7 days a week. I have asked her and let her know it would mean a lot if she would find the time to come and eat lunch with me at least once a month. I know she goes to breakfast with her friends as well as lunch but, never finds time for me and it is more hurtful she never tells me what kept her occupied. I can accept her not visiting for lunch if she had to go shopping or wanted to go shopping or needed to get an oil change... It has been so long and I am hurt. *I do NOT want to have lunch with her anymore and I don't feel attracted to her anymore. I love her but I am not in love with her. * I sometimes just cry, literally thinking why she will not find the time for me. Am I overreacting?


All of THIS because she doesn't have lunch with you? Wow. Please tell me there are other issues here....


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> All of THIS because she doesn't have lunch with you? Wow. Please tell me there are other issues here....


I didn't reach the conclusion that the lack of attraction and him not being in love with her anymore was due to the lack of lunches. 

That would be weird.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

diogenes72 said:


> My wife alternately works 3 days and then 5 days per week half-days. I work 5 days and week and once month 7 days a week. I have asked her and let her know it would mean a lot if she would find the time to come and eat lunch with me at least once a month. I know she goes to breakfast with her friends as well as lunch but, never finds time for me and it is more hurtful she never tells me what kept her occupied. I can accept her not visiting for lunch if she had to go shopping or wanted to go shopping or needed to get an oil change... It has been so long and I am hurt. I do NOT want to have lunch with her anymore and I don't feel attracted to her anymore. I love her but I am not in love with her. I sometimes just cry, literally thinking why she will not find the time for me. Am I overreacting?


Do you spend any quality time together? 


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Reading your previous threads it seems you don't trust your wife.If this is justified then you need to stop behaving like a doormat and do something about it.There are plenty of ways to check up on her but crying by yourselves is not helping.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Andy1001 said:


> Reading your previous threads it seems you don't trust your wife.If this is justified then you need to stop behaving like a doormat and do something about it.There are plenty of ways to check up on her but crying by yourselves is not helping.


I went and read his other threads... Yeah, he seems to have some serious issues.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Often times a man can be properly assessed by the clothes that he wears on his back. 

And the clothes that keep him warm, protected during periods of inclement weather.
..................................................................................................................................

Your threads on Tam have weaved a set of Duds for us to give a fair judgement on the Dude in the Duds.

The Duds chosen show that you will over-dress on a Sunny Day, an Overcast Day....for Any given Day.

You are very insecure. I do not want to use the strong word "paranoid" because I do not know you well enough.

I do not know your wife well enough. You need to tell us as much about her as possible.

On your choice of clothes to keep you warm, what is it with the Flak Jacket that you don, Mr. Juan?

A flak jacket is donned to keep ones heart from being punctured by evil doers. Are you afraid that your wife will shoot you in the back?

If, so why?

Or, are you just being passive and controlling at the same time? 

Does your wife know about your anxieties? I doubt it. That is your problem. You hold things inside you for so long that they fester, pop out and stink up the place.

Your happiness depends on you. Relying on other people to make you happy, to give you purpose and value is a failed cause. A marital partner can certainly help with feeling joy.

But if the Joy comes on a Stick that you must bob and weave.... control....well good luck with that.

If you do not get a handle on your anxiety you are going to drive your wife away.

Solution? Be positive, even if you have to fake it around her. Smile a lot. Be fun to be around.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You're not going to get any sympathy from these folks bro. You might want to head over to Marriage Builders.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Diogenes,

She will not find the time for you because she is not in love with you, or even perhaps she is more in love with the people she is always with. 

Try reading "his needs her needs" and other books by dr willard harley.

Tamat


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> You're not going to get any sympathy from these folks bro. You might want to head over to Marriage Builders.


I'd be thinking of sympathetic people for a long time before I thought of you.lol.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

diogenes72 said:


> I sometimes just cry, literally thinking why she will not find the time for me. Am I overreacting?




I haven't read any of your other threads.

I find it touching that you would cry over this. At the same time, I hate to see someone in that much pain.

If, somehow, your wife married you; but she is more attracted to tougher, independent men----then, you've got a problem.

Yes, what everyone says about not relying on others for happiness, is true---to an extent.

But no-one gets through this life alone. Everyone craves a partner. Someone to both lean on and share with.

You both have screwy, incompatible work schedules. Since she is PT, I would think she should be more flexible; and meet you for lunch at least once a week.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

My wife would have lunch with me and if she could do lunch, we'd have an evening meal after work.

You need to work out what is wrong and how it can be fixed. 

And then set to fixing it.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

By itself, it seems childish/needy, but I'd imagine there's more to this story than just your wife not meeting you for lunch.


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## diogenes72 (Jan 10, 2016)

I cry because it hurts but, I also realize I cannot love her anymore. I cry because I am scared and do not know what to do, we have two kids and I cannot love someone who does not love and cherish me. Thank you for your reply.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

diogenes72 said:


> I cry because it hurts but, I also realize I cannot love her anymore. I cry because I am scared and do not know what to do, we have two kids and I cannot love someone who does not love and cherish me. Thank you for your reply.


Love can be rebuilt.

As someone else suggested get and read the books by Dr. Harley... "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters"


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

get pissed...get free.

no body is in your way. it is "your way" that holds you back.
.............................................................................................................

50 Ways to leave your Lover

The problem is all inside your head she said to me
The answer is easy if you take it logically
I'd like to help you in your struggle to be free
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover

She said it's really not my habit to intrude
Furthermore, I hope my meaning won't be lost or misconstrued
But I'll repeat myself at the risk of being crude
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover
Fifty ways to leave your lover

You just slip out the back, JackNicholson
Make a new plan, StanLaural
You don't need to be coy, RoyRogers
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, GusPolinski
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, LeeHarper
And get yourself free

She said it grieves me so to see you in such pain
I wish there was something I could do to make you smile again
I said I appreciate that and would you please explain
About the fifty ways

She said why don't we both just sleep on it tonight
And I believe in the morning you'll begin to see the light
And then she kissed me and I realized she probably was right
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover
Fifty ways to leave your lover

You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

diogenes72 said:


> My wife alternately works 3 days and then 5 days per week half-days. I work 5 days and week and once month 7 days a week. I have asked her and let her know it would mean a lot if she would find the time to come and eat lunch with me at least once a month. I know she goes to breakfast with her friends as well as lunch but, never finds time for me and it is more hurtful she never tells me what kept her occupied. I can accept her not visiting for lunch if she had to go shopping or wanted to go shopping or needed to get an oil change... It has been so long and I am hurt. I do NOT want to have lunch with her anymore and I don't feel attracted to her anymore. I love her but I am not in love with her. I sometimes just cry, literally thinking why she will not find the time for me. Am I overreacting?


It is sad that your mother, dog, or child died, or that you have lost a body-part/organ. Those are things worth crying over.
It is sad that your parents and culture have left you so over-sensitive that you do not know how to handle your emotions properly or constructively.

You are not a husband, you are an ATM.
Your wife won't make the effort because she hasn't made the effort since you are a fashion accessory that she needs to complete her women-experience list - if she actually loved you and desired your company she would be making the effort because it was high on what she wanted to do. She does not. If she did now it would be for pity or to stop you being a whiny passive aggressive child who is using your bad feelings to try and guilt into others to change their plans to make you feel better.
But no, she already has her lifestyle she is happy with, and her friends give her the attention she desires - not you. It is them she is "in love" with, that she is having the relationship with. You are the placeholder and sexual masturbation tool that she pays with sex so you will keep working.

Quit marriage before kids come along, get your passive aggressive self to counselling and fix that, find someone who actually appreciates you and who wants to be with you.
And for all that is holy, don't have kids with your current wife! consider leaving before you invest too much into your assets...her retirement fund.

To test this idea, put together a budget, that takes the same amount of 50% for the bills and credit card payments, and what is left you each keep in separate accounts - and then you have a joint saving account that you both contribute evenly to for future targets (holiday, house, furniture). Make sure you do at least 50% of all housework but not more than 80% (including vehicle stuff). If she complains, then ask yourself : "The division is equal and you're in the relationship together, so why would equal parts be something she is upset about" .... it is because you're supposed to be the sugar daddy and not ask for anything.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You have chosen Diogenes as your Avatar.

Please defend your choice.

Diogenes:
Was self sufficient
Was Shameless
Was Homeless.
Was Outspoken
Was a Reformer, disregarded luxury and laws.
Was a Zealot in exposing vice and conceit.
Was a Believer in asceticism.
Was Filthy and slovenly.
Was The Original Cynic.
Was Able to articulate that happiness and independence were possible even under reduced circumstances.



Are you any of these things? Most women would not want such a man.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

diogenes72 said:


> My wife alternately works 3 days and then 5 days per week half-days. I work 5 days and week and once month 7 days a week. I have asked her and let her know it would mean a lot if she would find the time to come and eat lunch with me at least once a month. I know she goes to breakfast with her friends as well as lunch but, never finds time for me and it is more hurtful she never tells me what kept her occupied. I can accept her not visiting for lunch if she had to go shopping or wanted to go shopping or needed to get an oil change... It has been so long and I am hurt. I do NOT want to have lunch with her anymore and I don't feel attracted to her anymore. I love her but I am not in love with her. I sometimes just cry, literally thinking why she will not find the time for me. Am I overreacting?


I just want to make sure to say this to you...... NO YOU ARE NOT needy, jealous, or childish?
It is completely reasonable to expect that your spouse would have lunch with you once a month. You have every right to expect that your wife would want to, be excited to, have lunch with you once in a while.

I was married to a man who would not even get off his selfish butt have meet me for lunch once in a while, or spend time with me. I’m not married to him anymore. What’s the point of being married if you cannot even spend lunch with someone you love once in a while? What’s the point of being married if your spouse does not want to spend time with you?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Have you asked her why she will not do this for you? Would it require her getting a baby sitter? Does she make you dinner every night?


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

IF she wants to be with you, she would..... simple as that


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

First, read No More Mr Nice Guy so you can see how you have brought this on by being weak.

Then read His Needs Her Needs to see what you should be striving for in your marriage, once you fix your own self esteem problems.


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

It's natural for us to want to spend time with our significant other since it was us who chose them and gave them such an important part of out heart, lives, etc. But you have to be aware of why you needing to spend time with her is important to you. Are you just craving some intimacy that you're not getting or is there something lacking in you. If she is aware of your need for time with her in the relationship, have you put in the effort to her reluctance.
I've found out for me that I tend to love my husband the way I want him to live me nor by how he needs to feel love as in the "five love language " book.
He has been more receptive in loving me the way I need to feel love.
So don't resent your wife because she chooses not to set time out to have lunch with you. Have an open discussion about why you're hurt and find out why she's withholding her time and affection. It might just be a misunderstanding and find out if you are meeting her needs for how she wants to feel love. Good luck.

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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Chuck71 said:


> IF she wants to be with you, she would..... *simple as that*


Yes, simple as that.

Actions speak louder than words. In your case, the wifey words are true, true, blue to her actions.

The snub comes from one face, both sides.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

diogenes72 said:


> My wife alternately works 3 days and then 5 days per week half-days. I work 5 days and week and once month 7 days a week. I have asked her and let her know it would mean a lot if she would find the time to come and eat lunch with me at least once a month. I know she goes to breakfast with her friends as well as lunch but, never finds time for me and it is more hurtful she never tells me what kept her occupied. I can accept her not visiting for lunch if she had to go shopping or wanted to go shopping or needed to get an oil change... It has been so long and I am hurt. I do NOT want to have lunch with her anymore and I don't feel attracted to her anymore. I love her but I am not in love with her. I sometimes just cry, literally thinking why she will not find the time for me. Am I overreacting?


If you're hurt, don't want to have lunch with her anymore, don't love her and aren't attracted to her then I wouldn't fret over this situation. Instead I'd take the time to evaluate the marriage as a whole. Decide whether it's savable or even if you want to save it. If not, then you have to figure out what steps to take next to go your separate ways.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Love can be rebuilt.
> 
> As someone else suggested get and read the books by Dr. Harley... "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters"


But only went both want to rebuild. Just one can not do it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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