# 5 Things that puzzle me



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

1. Why do people come to TAM, for advice then complain about that advice? 2. Why is so much of the emphasis placed on R instead of personal development? 3.When BS and WS couples come here, the BS almost always ends up defending the WS, why? 4. Why blame the OP? Unless married themselves, He/she did not cheat. 5. Why are most BS so reticent about confrontation?


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Badblood said:


> 1. Why do people come to TAM, for advice then complain about that advice? 2. Why is so much of the emphasis placed on R instead of personal development? 3.When BS and WS couples come here, the BS almost always ends up defending the WS, why? 4. Why blame the OP? Unless married themselves, He/she did not cheat. 5. Why are most BS so reticent about confrontation?


It puzzles me 2:scratchhead:


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## LessOfaMan (Jul 8, 2012)

I think it's because they consider their WS as too much of a good person, they are too high a pedestal, and will lash out.
Prior to the affair, you try saying anything bad about my wife, anything, you'd be shot down in flames.

I used to go with the 'people don't know about our relationship, only we know what we are really about'
Now I realize it translates to 'I'm in complete denial about how much of a ***** my wife is'


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Badblood said:


> 1. Why do people come to TAM, for advice then complain about that advice? 2. Why is so much of the emphasis placed on R instead of personal development? 3.When BS and WS couples come here, the BS almost always ends up defending the WS, why? 4. Why blame the OP? Unless married themselves, He/she did not cheat. 5. Why are most BS so reticent about confrontation?


I think that it is mostly because people like to hear that there is hope, and that there is this magic wand that can make all bad things go away like a bad dream or something.

People want to believe in goodness, they want to trust and they want good things to happen to them. Therefore it is very hard to face reality when it is being described by an outsider.

I think you are a good devils advocat (maybe a bit harsh at times, but so be it), so keep on making your point. I still think it helps somehow.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Badblood said:


> 1. Why do people come to TAM, for advice then complain about that advice? 2. Why is so much of the emphasis placed on R instead of personal development? 3.When BS and WS couples come here, the BS almost always ends up defending the WS, why? 4. Why blame the OP? Unless married themselves, He/she did not cheat. 5. Why are most BS so reticent about confrontation?


1. Truth hurts and many can't see in the distance like guys with more experience can.

2. R or D depends on the BS. People here can advise but it's pretty much on their head. I wouldn't say there is an emphasis, but since R takes much more hard work you see more posts about it. A quick D requires almost nothing. Only a few people consistently advise R.

3. Because many BS had years of emotional dependency. Some are even openly abused. It's like that typical police intervention where they go to arrest a wife beater and end up having to fight the beaten wife too. 

4. Don't see people here blaming the OP. What i see is people saying to the OP to get his act together in several areas (boundaries, personal pride, legal etc). You must remember that many BS come here totally destroyed. They need a direction and peeps in the forum give a hand. It's like guiding a shell shocked soldier around.

5. See answer to 3. A large number of OPs come to the forum first because they want to avoid it or have it in a softer way. Or they want to learn how to gather evidence to be sure. Most BS don't come to post in a forum. They go out and bust some...


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

What puzzles me is when a BS replies in a rude way to a poster who's just trying to help the BS. 
They are like "oh, do you think I don't know the WS did this to me? Do you think I'm naive? Do you think I don't know it? "

If they know all these then why are they here in the first place to seek for help?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Badblood said:


> 1. Why do people come to TAM, for advice then complain about that advice? 2. Why is so much of the emphasis placed on R instead of personal development? 3.When BS and WS couples come here, the BS almost always ends up defending the WS, why? 4. Why blame the OP? Unless married themselves, He/she did not cheat. 5. Why are most BS so reticent about confrontation?


It's the tendency of human nature to want a happy ending for their stories. It takes a while to give up on that narrative and accept that the story up to that point might have been entirely different than the one they believed they were participating in, as it's unsettling to realize that your past reality was experienced much differently than how it actually was. Suppose you were playing a role in a Shakespeare play, for many years, and then you were shown a video clip of your acting, and it turned out that instead of playing a role in a Shakespeare play, you were actually a guest on one of those late night shows. It would take quite a while to rearrange the experience to fit the new facts.

One's future depends on the continuation of the past as experienced in the future. So clinging to the past story is more or less clinging to sanity. Without a constructive narrative of our life, we enter chaos. Most people are not comfortable with the feeling of being completely unhinged. So it takes a while to change the story of the past in one's head.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Badblood said:


> 1. Why do people come to TAM, for advice then complain about that advice? 2. Why is so much of the emphasis placed on R instead of personal development? 3.When BS and WS couples come here, the BS almost always ends up defending the WS, why? 4. Why blame the OP? Unless married themselves, He/she did not cheat. 5. Why are most BS so reticent about confrontation?


1. Because they are wounded and unprepared to deal with having to respond with infidelity. It's a shock to all of us BSs when this happens. Life is going by somewhat routinely, then BOOM! The partner in the marriage, the one person, their companion, has sought affection outside the marriage. What does that mean? What do they do? VAR? keylogger? what? It's all so fast and the information given here is a lot to absorb, so some resistance is generally expected at first.

2. Because once the rug has pulled out from under them, and they see that there is an OW/OM in the marriage, they want them out and they want themselves back in. Why? Because their whole life is intertwined with their WS, so the first response is to maintain the marriage and the "worst case scenario" would be to seek a divorce, because of its finality.

3. Because, other than the cheating, the WS had qualities that the BS loved, and its human nature to defend the WS at first (regarding the other qualities) at first. He/She cheated, but was a good provider, good with the kids, etc. It is hard to break those habits and admit that the WS committed a "deal breaker". Reality sucks for a BS.

4. You got me. As you said, it's not the OP's fault that they are now in the position of a BS. Perhaps it has more to do with whether the OP is willing to act upon the advise given here? Or maybe the OP has expressed an opinion that the advise given here is wrong? In those cases, I can see some people here "blaming" the OP for his/her resistance to excellent advise, or to "shake the fog".

5. The BS is having to face a crisis due to a WS. Then they are expected to be the "grown up" and take action immediately sometimes without even the opportunity to "lick their wounds". For those of us who have been through this, we know the emotional toll that this takes, and some of us (if we could get away with it) would rather walk away to gather our thoughts, rather than act NOW and think later.

I wish I had known of this place on the onset. Instead I muddled through it all but have found that the advise given here is sound, practical, and given by those who have also experienced the same thing. I trust it. For a "newbie" who finds this site and posts a story, the responses here are what is needed, whether the "newbie" knows it or not. We are here for them. 

Sometimes the "delivery" isn't what they expected, but the advise is dead on.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

This thread is good for the Infidelity section why? To further humiliate people who are otherwise in difficult situations and don't listen to every bit of advice given?

I mean, for me personally, when I started the thread of Q&A for Regret and me, someone chimed in and said "I DO NOT hope you can reconcile."

So, if a BS get's a little bent over things like that said or nothing but innuendo thrown in, I can see where they would have issues with certain advisers. 

As a noob on the board here, I kind of think it's silly that some posters think that their join date means they have all the answers. It's almost as silly as this thread. In the Infidelity section. Where it serves nothing but the OP's passive aggressive issues.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> I mean, for me personally, when I started the thread of Q&A for Regret and me, someone chimed in and said "I DO NOT hope you can reconcile."
> 
> .


Obviously, the one who wished this on you must have either been a troll or someone who was just enjoying your suffering. 
And because of this poster, you seem to prejudice some members here whose intentions aren't anywhere close to what this poster was hoping for.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> Obviously, the one who wished this on you must have either been a troll or someone who was just enjoying your suffering.
> And because of this poster, you seem to prejudice some members here whose intentions aren't anywhere close to what this poster was hoping for.


Actually it was Badblood on page 4 of the Q&A thread.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> Actually it was Badblood on page 4 of the Q&A thread.





That was a bit disappointing to be honest. I didn't really expect it from him.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> That was a bit disappointing to be honest. I didn't really expect it from him.


It is disappointing. Especially later on when I'm chastised for not being perfectly "polite" cuz I use the f word too much and it was taken personally when it wasn't meant that way. Then, to make things more passive aggressive, subsequent posts that Badblood made reference him being polite - even after editing a post, that little blurb that gives a reason for editing...it was "I prefer to be polite."

Lame. Now this thread. Interesting.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

SomedayDig said:


> Actually it was Badblood on page 4 of the Q&A thread.


That's not a surprise. 

Usually people who say they "hope" you don't reconcile are people who think the WS crimes are so heinous that they should be punished by permanent banishment.

That said, there are times when I, or others, advise that D is the best option. But that is because the BS is suffering to the point where it is not healthy and the WS is unremorseful.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I'm in a puzzled state most of my day so I try not to dwell on the particulars


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Badblood said:


> 1. Why do people come to TAM, for advice then complain about that advice? 2. Why is so much of the emphasis placed on R instead of personal development? 3.When BS and WS couples come here, the BS almost always ends up defending the WS, why? 4. Why blame the OP? Unless married themselves, He/she did not cheat. 5. Why are most BS so reticent about confrontation?


1) - pretty obvious - they don't like what they hear
2) - um, we must not read the same threads. Most threads I read there are folks calling for D.
3) - because it's hard to break old habits
4) - I agree with this question
5) - fear


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

SomedayDig said:


> This thread is good for the Infidelity section why? To further humiliate people who are otherwise in difficult situations and don't listen to every bit of advice given?
> 
> I mean, for me personally, when I started the thread of Q&A for Regret and me, someone chimed in and said "I DO NOT hope you can reconcile."
> 
> ...


This is exactly what I'm talking about. Dig, why are you on this thread, if it is so distasteful to you? Just to criticize, and use half-truths and deception to "prove", your point? Too many posters believe that marriage, good, bad, or indifferent is the be-all and end-all of human existence, and simply cannot see that it is far more important for the BS and WS to strive for greater personal development, than it is to repair a marriage gone bad.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

BTW, by OP i'm talking about the other person in the affair, man or woman.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Badblood said:


> This is exactly what I'm talking about. Dig, why are you on this thread, if it is so distasteful to you? Just to criticize, and use half-truths and deception to "prove", your point? Too many posters believe that marriage, good, bad, or indifferent is the be-all and end-all of human existence, and simply cannot see that it is far more important for the BS and WS to strive for greater personal development, than it is to repair a marriage gone bad.


Half truths and deception? Ummm. Okay.

Then, since this thread is supposed to be about such a general topic, why isn't it in the General area? 

Wait. That was a rhetorical question as you achieved your true result. I saw this thread. And got sucked in.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Satchel Rage said:


> This whole thread was started because badblood took exception to somedaydig's using the F word. I kind of find it petty that another man has to create a whole thread about something so insignificant.
> 
> Let's just be frank. This thread IS about Somedaydig. If people have a problem with him, why not just send him a pm? Starting a thread about another poster just creates unwarranted tension.
> 
> This is kind of a gossip school girl thread. Even though I agree with all the points made here, I think the intentions of this post are a little shady.


So you don't like the thread, but you agree with it? THAT sounds petty to me. I have never seen you or commented on your posts, so why are you here? I created this thread to address some things that bother me, and Dig himself is only one person and not even the most rudest. Why do peple feel that when they ask for advice, if they don't agree with that advice, they are entitled to be rude to the poster who offered it?


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

SomedayDig said:


> Half truths and deception? Ummm. Okay.
> 
> Then, since this thread is supposed to be about such a general topic, why isn't it in the General area?
> 
> Wait. That was a rhetorical question as you achieved your true result. I saw this thread. And got sucked in.


You're an adult, right? You can read, right? So you had to be here?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Maybe this would be better in PMs.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

Satchel Rage said:


> This whole thread was started because badblood took exception to somedaydig's using the F word. I kind of find it petty that another man has to create a whole thread about something so insignificant.
> 
> Let's just be frank. This thread IS about Somedaydig. If people have a problem with him, why not just send him a pm? Starting a thread about another poster just creates unwarranted tension.
> 
> This is kind of a gossip school girl thread. Even though I agree with all the points made here, I think the intentions of this post are a little shady.


I think it's a bit more high-level than that: I think this thread is the anti-R camp complaining about the pro-R camp, with some member-specific squabbling thrown in for good measure.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Badblood said:


> You're an adult, right? You can read, right? So you had to be here?


Stop this - both of you... plz...?


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

And you guys better be careful, mods have no problem bringing the banhammer.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Satchel Rage said:


> This whole thread was started because badblood took exception to somedaydig's using the F word. I kind of find it petty that another man has to create a whole thread about something so insignificant.
> 
> Let's just be frank. This thread IS about Somedaydig. If people have a problem with him, why not just send him a pm? Starting a thread about another poster just creates unwarranted tension.
> 
> This is kind of a gossip school girl thread. Even though I agree with all the points made here, I think the intentions of this post are a little shady.


To assume that this thread is about one specific person would call for the operation of the OP's mind as to his intent in starting this thread. You could be right. You could be wrong.

It would be fair for me to assume that "I" wasn't the "topic" of this thread as the subject matter doesn't apply to me since I didn't know about this site during my D Day. Others can probably conclude the same thing about themselves. The point is, I recognize that this thread could safely apply to several "newbie" threads as I have read and observed remarks made by the "newbie" in regards to resisting the advice given. In short, I have seen no evidence that this thread is about any specific individual.

So why make this all personal? Why not either comment on the questions the OP posed, or move on to another thread? I thought I was posting on the subject matter, and my comments were general in nature. When I saw the accusations directed at the OP, am I now to conclude that I am part of some conspiracy against an individual because I commented on the OP's thread?

I simply can't imagine that a personal agenda has been derived from this particular thread.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Maybe this would be better in PMs.


The point I'm trying to make with this thread is that ALL posters, including myself, because when I was the BS, I was JUST AS GUILTY of it as anyone, should at least try to be polite. If you don't agree with a poster and reject his/her advice, don't cuss or snarl, just say you don't agree and leave it at that. I have expressed myself and this thread can be closed at any time.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Wow. I'll not reply in here any more as I would rather be a help than not be polite.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Again, maybe PMs would be best for these conversations.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

cpacan said:


> Stop this - both of you... plz...?


I will and am . The answer to these questions is the same, be polite.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)




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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Davelli0331 said:


> I think it's a bit more high-level than that: I think this thread is the anti-R camp complaining about the pro-R camp, with some member-specific squabbling thrown in for good measure.


Pro-R or Anti-R makes no difference. I loved being married (until my second wife cheated), but I feel that to improve the person is more important than saving the marriage.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Can't we all just get along?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I think being polite can also be perception. I tend to swear. A LOT. All the time. No one ever took it as me being rude though


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

DawnD said:


> I think being polite can also be perception. I tend to swear. A LOT. All the time. No one ever took it as me being rude though



what the fvck are you saying?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Almostrecovered said:


> what the fvck are you saying?


Something about Lions hugging Zebras.........walking around the house looking to break some toes.....


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

DawnD said:


> I think being polite can also be perception. I tend to swear. A LOT. All the time. No one ever took it as me being rude though


Yeah cursing is pretty rad, isn't it. Seriously. I love it. But you gotta be careful in textual conversation with it, bc how it sounded in your head when you typed it isn't how it will sound in someone else's head when they read it.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)




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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

DawnD said:


> Something about Lions hugging Zebras.........walking around the house looking to break some toes.....


What is it with you and breaking toes????


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Davelli0331 said:


> Yeah cursing is pretty rad, isn't it. Seriously. I love it. But you gotta be careful in textual conversation with it, bc how it sounded in your head when you typed it isn't how it will sound in someone else's head when they read it.


hahaha. I am lucky and most people I text with are very aware of my thoughts and word usage. Plus I always have such colorful names and words that I use


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

glad I'm not wearing sandals today


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

anonymouskitty said:


> What is it with you and breaking toes????


It takes me to my happy place:toast:


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

That lion picture was taken moment before the lion ripped out the zebra's neck. True story.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

that_girl said:


> That lion picture was taken moment before the lion ripped out the zebra's neck. True story.


So the answer to the question would be......only momentarily?? LMAO


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

that_girl said:


> That lion picture was taken moment before the lion ripped out the zebra's neck. True story.


LIES!!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Badblood said:


> 1. Why do people come to TAM, for advice then complain about that advice?


Because they are seeking validation most times and/or fear is paralyzing them from what they know they should do. Because (using Tom Cruise voice): They can't handle the truth!

When people get defensive about things, it's usually because we've struck a cord. A cord they are fully aware of is probably right.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

DawnD said:


> hahaha. I am lucky and most people I text with are very aware of my thoughts and word usage. Plus I always have such colorful names and words that I use


I love inventing derogatory terms that I mix in with my foul language. It makes any conversation with me a tapestry of cursing laced with incomprehensible insults. Its great because no matter what _*I will fycking PWN YOU*_!!!!!1!!!11!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> LIES!!


Someone photoshopped a lion and a tiger together and I'm lying!? :rofl:


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

don't doubt the existence of Zions


Some extremist Muslims are quite afraid of them


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

DawnD said:


> So the answer to the question would be......only momentarily?? LMAO


Only if you have an unlimited supply of Zebras.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> What puzzles me is when a BS replies in a rude way to a poster who's just trying to help the BS.
> They are like "oh, do you think I don't know the WS did this to me? Do you think I'm naive? Do you think I don't know it? "
> 
> If they know all these then why are they here in the first place to seek for help?


Well ask JELLYBEANS, I was one of this people. Seriously I was, it took some Harsh words, and my determination to keep coming back here before I snapped out of it. I wasnt rude "I DONT THINK" I was anyways. But I was so hurt, lost, confused and just plain SCARED out of my wits to comprehend anything. 

Most times I think it just takes time and some "TOUGH LOVE" before anyone can get thru to a BS. I mean it isnt like we are in our Normal frame of mind at the time. And for so many years we just did not beleive our spouses could do this. NOT TO US...

And for some reason I kept coming to TAM.. I really thout Jellybeans was just trying to be mean or vendictive and I felt that she made it my fault. But in reality she was telling me the most important things I needed to hear and know. The frame of mind I was in it felt more Like a Kick in the head when I was at my lowest. But I kept coming back for more, so I guess SLOWLY it was somehow sinking in, although I did not realize it at the time, the advice was somehow sipping thru my hard shell I put up around me.

I dont think MOST times it is intentional for a BS to act like this, I know for me it wasnt. It is just alot to handle, the sad part is, If the BS doesnt return to TAM they stay lost and thinking that there is no help and the people on TAM here are just cruel. 

I will always be thankful to Jellybeans tough love, because if she hadnt done that, well I would still be wondering around I am afraid, thinking the world is all against me........ 

I just hope that the BS makes the effort to take the knock on the chin and realize IT IS SOMTHING THAT THEY NEED TO HEAR AND KNOW. or the H*ll they are living thru now will only get worse..


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

IMO....

All behavior can be traced to a desire to gain pleasure and avoid pain. In human beings, pain avoidance is the stronger of the two behavioral drives. It's said that people are compelled (need) to avoid pain, and propelled (want) to gain pleasure. 

All 5 of the questions you asked serve to avoid pain. This drive is intiated by the 'id', reptilian brain or ancient brain as Ive heard it called. It's stronger than any higher brain functions like reasoning and logic. Matter of fact, instructions coming from the id alter reasoning and logic in order to carry out a prime directive. Avoid pain.

Extreme pain and distress cause the lower brain to sense danger to the well being of the body. Reason and logic move over, Caveman brain is driving now. lol.


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## OhhShiney (Apr 8, 2011)

LessOfaMan said:


> Now I realize it translates to 'I'm in complete denial about how much of a ***** my wife is'


I am amazed that my wife STILL says she has some warm feelings for her ex who cheated on her repeatedly. While I know that infidelity does not define a person, I do know her ex caused her pain and anguish, enough for her to end her marriage.

I have had a hard time understanding how anyone could still remain Facebook friends with a cheat. It seems to me that everyone who knows what lead to the divorce would think that maybe the cheater still has a chance.


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