# Can I Trust Her Any Longer-What Do I Do



## BBeetle (Apr 27, 2015)

We have been married for almost 25 years. We also work together in a small office. About 3 weeks ago I noticed my wife all of the sudden wanted to get out all the time, and was very curious about my schedule. She started being gone for hours with obviously phony excuses, to the point where out 4 kids were suspecting she was up to something. I asked her about this two weeks ago, and she said nothing was going on, and she just needed some of her own space. She kept coming with bad excuses, so I asked her again five days ago what was going on, and that I deserved to know if she was having an affair.
She said she was not having an affair, but said it in a funny way. I asked her if she was seeing someone, and she said yes. She met this married person online, and had been talking with him for 6 months. She said the talk became very sexual, and he sent her pictures of his penis. She says she never sent him any pictures, but I find that hard to believe. She says she does not want me to see the exchanges because of the sexual talk.
She also admitted this person is from about 90 miles away, and was in town recently to perform. She says she went to his hotel room 2 or 3 times-I think it was more and I find it silly she cannot tell me how many times. She also says nothing sexual happened because she was not attracted to him. Why did she keep going back. She also said if he had been attractive to her she cannot guarantee she would not have slept with him. I asked her to prove to me that it was over, and she said they both just knew it was. She said nothing happened, but I do not see how you can go to a hotel room numerous times after having months of sexual talk and pictures, and nothing happened. Two days after she confessed, she got mad at me and said "am I going to have to live with this the rest of my life?" She gets angry at me whenever I try to talk about it, and puts the blame on me telling me I became boring. She also said if I do not change, she cannot guarantee this will not happen again. I have very little information, and no proof she has called off her affair. She said she will go to counseling, and I think I will do that for the sake of our 4 kids. 
Do I trust her, and what do you think I should do in this situation?


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Ask her if you told her that story would she believe you? Tell her she has to take a polygraph.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

Do not trust her. Start investigating. Get a VAR and if she uses a laptop install a keylogger. There are other threads here on how to properly use a VAR.

She basically blew away your marriage. You need to accept that now and start thinking about yourself and your kids. Speak to a lawyer just so you know your rights. It might sound crazy to do that but she's been ahead of you and you've been in the dark. 

Trust your gut. I agree that it is improbable that she wouldn't have slept with him after talking about it for 6 months. Would you still be with her if she did sleep with someone else? These are the questions you should be asking yourself right now. Only you know what your boundaries are. Could you ever trust her again? In my mind the sexual talk and sneaking around is already cheating.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Unless she ends the affair before counselling it will be a waste of time and money.

Also, get tested for STDs. It's very likely they had sex. Sorry.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Honestly, I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her. Her attitude is pathetic and it seems like she's now trying to dictate the rules.

Look friend. She came right out and admitted that she was seeing another man and to make it worse, told you to deal with it or she'll do it again, so you tell me. You want to live like that?

She not only put a knife in your ribs but the kids also got shiv in the rib too. 

What you need to do is this. Set up a polygraph appointment for her, let her know that she's going to be taking it and if she gives you a hassle about it then you let her know that it's either that or she can talk to your lawyer. You cannot allow her to put you under the gun on this because if you do then you lose and lose big time. She flat out disrespected you and until you put a stop to it right now, then it will get worse.

I would let her know about the poly right before the appointment so she doesn't have time to ponder it. I would also tighten the screws by starting your own bank account and credit cards and take her name off them.

Right now your walking on the sharp end of a knife and if you don't protect yourself and the kids will get cut to ribbons.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Yes get STD tested as MattMatt said. She is having a sexual affair. Anything she says to the contrary at this point is a complete lie. She has admitted to going to his hotel room multiple times. What more evidence do you need. She has also admitted already to the EA portion of her affair.

You don't need evidence gathering at this point IMO. You already know she is cheating.

The question now is if you want R or D. If you want R, start a hard 180, and serve her with D papers. Serving her does not mean you have to ultimately D, but it shows her you are not a doormat. Time to lawyer up and get tough.

Also, as long as the affair is on going, no R is possible.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

BBeetle said:


> She said nothing happened, but I do not see how you can go to a hotel room numerous times after having months of sexual talk and pictures, and nothing happened.


She's insulting your intelligence with these vapid, totally implausible lies.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

BBeetle said:


> Two days after she confessed, she got mad at me and said "am I going to have to live with this the rest of my life?" She gets angry at me whenever I try to talk about it, and puts the blame on me telling me I became boring. She also said if I do not change, she cannot guarantee this will not happen again.


This is her both trying to rugsweep the A, and blameshifting. These are both common cheater tactics.


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## BBeetle (Apr 27, 2015)

All of her communication before meeting him was either text message or Facebook messenger. Any way to get ahold of these if I am in the account?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

BBeetle said:


> We have been married for almost 25 years. We also work together in a small office. About 3 weeks ago I noticed my wife all of the sudden wanted to get out all the time, and was very curious about my schedule. She started being gone for hours with obviously phony excuses, to the point where out 4 kids were suspecting she was up to something. I asked her about this two weeks ago, and she said nothing was going on, and she just needed some of her own space. She kept coming with bad excuses, so I asked her again five days ago what was going on, and that I deserved to know if she was having an affair.
> She said she was not having an affair, but said it in a funny way.


Many lies do have a tendency to sound sort of funny.



BBeetle said:


> I asked her if she was seeing someone, and she said yes. She met this married person online, and had been talking with him for 6 months. She said the talk became very sexual, and he sent her pictures of his penis. She says she never sent him any pictures, but I find that hard to believe. She says she does not want me to see the exchanges because of the sexual talk.


Well, to be accurate, she doesn't want you to see the exchanges because she doesn't want you to see that she'd been talking w/ this guy about sex.

Specifically, the sex that they've already had, the sex that they're having, and all the sex that they're planning to have in the future.



BBeetle said:


> She also admitted this person is from about 90 miles away, and was in town recently to perform. She says she went to his hotel room 2 or 3 times-I think it was more and I find it silly she cannot tell me how many times. She also says nothing sexual happened because she was not attracted to him.


LOL. Bullsh*t.



BBeetle said:


> Why did she keep going back. She also said if he had been attractive to her she cannot guarantee she would not have slept with him. I asked her to prove to me that it was over, and she said they both just knew it was. She said nothing happened, but I do not see how you can go to a hotel room numerous times after having months of sexual talk and pictures, and nothing happened. Two days after she confessed, she got mad at me and said "am I going to have to live with this the rest of my life?" She gets angry at me whenever I try to talk about it, and puts the blame on me telling me I became boring. She also said if I do not change, she cannot guarantee this will not happen again. I have very little information, and no proof she has called off her affair. She said she will go to counseling, and I think I will do that for the sake of our 4 kids.
> Do I trust her, and what do you think I should do in this situation?


You're asking whether or not you should trust that she went to this guy's hotel multiple times and yet did NOT have sex w/ him?

No. No you shouldn't.

SHE. IS. LYING.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

BBeetle said:


> All of her communication before meeting him was either text message or Facebook messenger. Any way to get ahold of these if I am in the account?


Yes, but answer this question first...

What kind of phone does she use?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Sorry dude. It isn't good. She had sex. She lied and is still lying. If she was giving up all information and complying with all your requests and very sorrowful and remorseful, you might have a chance at reconciliation.

She is showing none of what is necessary to save your marriage. She has already shown you what she thinks of your marriage.

My advice would be to get your affairs in order with a lawyer and hit her hard and fast with a divorce.

It will protect your interests and will probably be the only thing that really makes your WW realize what f'ing around will cost her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I agree with Matt she most likely [email protected] him. Get tested for stds 

Can you trust her. Obviously not! Cheaters lie, just like she has been doing for the last 6 months. You are being trickle truths right now. 

Sorry.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Sorry to hear about your situation.

Good advice already provided to you from all the posters above.

The important thing for you is to take the advice.

Go "cold" and do a hard 180 and do everything you need to do in order to divorce. This includes filing for divorce. 

You can always stop the divorce, but with your 'wife's' current attitude, there is nothing to recover anyway.

Good luck.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Logically, she has checked out of your M. The probability is very high that she has had intercourse with him. She stated that nothing happened because she did not find him attractive. So no facial pictures were exchanged during her initial online encounter, only genitals? Preposterous to even suggest. And even your children have suspicions? Fascinating.

She stated that you have become boring and that if you do not change she cannot promise this wont happen again. I would strongly suggest that you comply with her demand and change. Change your status from married to divorced, that should cause you to be less boring.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

BBeetle said:


> She also said if I do not change, she cannot guarantee this will not happen again.


She's got some balls on her.... Your wife, if you can even call her that, has absolutely no respect for you and thinks you're lower than dog sh!t to be able to say that to you. I'm surprised she told you as much as she did but didn't cop to the sex. Probably didn't want to hear you whine about being made a cuckold. It might slightly inconvenience her.

Have her served divorce papers IMMEDIATELY and include some photos of you banging a hooker and tell her, "Sorry, I can't guarantee that won't happen again either... b!tch!"


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Well, the good news is that your wife doesn't sound like a very skilled cheater and it shouldn't be that difficult to arrive at the actual truth.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

BBeetle

I would think if you work/own the business together you can very easily get the messages and pictures from her phone/pc.

If the OM is married you should expose the affair without your wifes knowledge.

Your wife needs IC. She also needs a full blood work up to see if her hormones are out of whack.

You will likely find out she is healthy and just plain ole selfish.

No matter what get the truth and then dish out some tough love.

HM


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Your wife is a narcissist. Worst kind of cheater. Completely irredeemable. Cut your losses and file for divorce.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

BB,

you need to sit her down and print out your ultimatums for continuing this marriage and you need to print divorce papers....tell she does not agree to one then you will institute the other...at that moment you will know what she whats to do...its black and white...the ultimatums should list everything you need to know and what she needs to do...bulking at any of them will instate the other...and have her sign it. and i would add polygraph to it


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## BBeetle (Apr 27, 2015)

She uses an iphone 6 through ATT. I would love to see her communications to see how much she has lied to me, and probably still is doing so. Any way to do this, even if she probably deleted them from her phone?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Why do you need proof of cheating when she told you if you do not change it will happen again? So you should change. Change your marital status.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

BBeetle said:


> She uses an iphone 6 through ATT. I would love to see her communications to see how much she has lied to me, and probably still is doing so. Any way to do this, even if she probably deleted them from her phone?


Yes. Now answer these questions...

1. Do you have the e-mail address and password associated w/ her Apple iTunes/iCloud account?

2. Do you have the password for said e-mail account?

3. Do you have the e-mail address and password associated w/ her Facebook account?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Hicks said:


> Why do you need proof of cheating when she told you if you do not change it will happen again? So you should change. Change your marital status.


I tend to agree w/ ^this^.

That said, if you feel the need to know (or if having proof of adultery would help you w/ a divorce in your state/municipality), answer the questions above.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

BBeetle,

I am sorry you are here. Your situation is a standard scenario played out here all the time.


All the signs you noticed and some you missed are standard red flags, ... online contact, meeting at a convenient place (hotel) and the insistent "nothing happened", "I wasn't attracted to him", change in schedule etc. In other cases the script can vary "he is married", "he is just a friend", "he could not get it up", "I was too dry" etc etc etc. They start wearing sexier clothes, password their phone, start grooming their bush, if anything happened it was only a kiss, or just oral or it was only one time. on and on and on the lies go. In hindsight they all become clear.




The good news is the posters who are helping you here have all been there. They are starting with small steps with you here, there is a lot for you to consider.
I will tell you this, the men who take action do the best, the men who cant bring themselves to act suffer more for nothing.



There are two links in my signature below, the standard evidence post and the newbies thread, try to take a look at both.

The last will have resources for you and eventually you wayward spouse (WS) and a list of abbreviations, the first will be helpful in gathering evidence.



Your wife is looking for excitement with a man she thinks will "take her" she will not be able to control her sex drive when she is with him.

She will also not tell you the truth until she is remorseful and that will not happen until the consequences start coming, and that will not happen until YOU start taking actions.



BTW you are asking all the right questions and all, so you have made a good start, don't get me wrong.



They have had sex already, if not it would be one of the VERY rare exceptions here, I am sorry.

Take care and keep updating,

Decorum


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

She's not going to MC for the sake of the kids or to even attempt to save your marriage. She's going so that she can justify her actions by trying to convince the counselor that you are a boring a**hole, and she hopes that the counselor will be on her side. (I'll bet that she demands that she choose the counselor, and that you will have no say in the choice)

She is also going so that, according to her plan, she can tell anyone who will listen later that she really tried to do the right thing and save the marriage, but it didn't work, for the same reasons that she will give the marriage counselor.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

BBeetle said:


> *Do I trust her*, and what do you think I should do in this situation?


Trust... NO! She admitted she is cheating. Cheater lie to the very end. NO!

Was sitting in your shoes 5 years ago...

1 Contact a lawyer now, now, now. Get your duck in row.
2 Important, do not have sex with her.
3 For now, do not talk to her about anything concerning the affair.
4 Act like the perfect husband.
5 Pay the bills. Take care of the home and children. Do not leave your home. 

BTW, Hotel Room? She had Sex with him.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

1) Trust nothing she says.
2) Yes she had sex with him
3) Stop letting her use her bul..lsh..it as an excuse to cheat on you.

I am truly sorry you find yourself here but it is time you did a complete 180 on this woman and showed her the realities of Divorce.

From what you described she has showed no inclination to change if anything threatning you with more of this foul behavour


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

Yeah she cheated and will continue to do so. I think she believes after 25 years of marriage and she is resentful for whatever reason. She feels she can cheat and is checking out of the marriage/ feeling too comfortable and taking for granted her actions will have no serious consequences in her marriage. That explains the half a$$ed excuses and lack of effort in hiding the affair. No remorse and no guilt in her actions should tell all you need to know about what she thinks about you.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Why would you want her in your life at all after what she has told you?

It's sounds like she needs some serious counseling help. 

Meeting online men in hotel rooms will get you killed! 

Seriously, stop worrying about your wife and protect your kids. (Especially if any of your kids are still at home). Take some charge.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

She has thrown your 25 year marriage and family of 6 into the waste bin when she signed up in a cheating web site. The woman you are still legally married to is not who you think she is. Her loyalties are to herself and her lover. Of course, to POS, she's just a piece of @ss and he's not looking to take on a divorcee with kids. She instinctively realizes this and that is why she is talking about MC but her heart is not in it. She really wants POS but has to settle for plan b.

You have to remove yourself as plan b. It is time to take control of your life. Don't let her know the moves you're about to make. I don't think there is anything to save but if that is what you want, the only chance you have is to charge hard in opposite direction. 
Shock and Awe time.
1. File for D. 
2. implement the 180 
3. Expose to WW family, friends, POS' girlfriend/wife.
4. Work hard on a self improvement plan.

Your show of strength may shock her out of the fog and make her realize what she's destroying. If not you'll be a stronger man that will attract other woman who can appreciate you. One thing is sure, she definitely will not nice her out of the fog.


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

BBeetle said:


> She also said if I do not change, she cannot guarantee this will not happen again.
> 
> Do I trust her, and what do you think I should do in this situation?


May I be blunt with you?

Kick her to the curb, file for divorce and tell your cheating wife to get the hell out of your life.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

No matter what you do, and which way you decide to take this ride----you cannot do it as a NICE GUY

She has point blank told you------to your face---change up, and do things my way, or I WILL DO THIS AGAIN------that isn't a mge----that is your wife dictating what she wants, and you can be dam*ed.

Follow the advice already given------get your D, and get out----this woman is tired of you, and the mge the 2 of your are involved in--

to her, her sacred vows, are meaningless----you are NOT dealing with the pretty girl you married----this person who claims to be your wife is SOMEONE ELSE

If you do stay, then the only way you can stay, is by setting in some heavy duty boundaries-----your wife has to take accountability, and show heavy remorse-----and no matter what from now on any continued mge, is played by your rules------she gets NO INPUT, she doesn't get to make demands, nor argue, nor even discuss----at this point if you stay--------you tell her, what is happening, when it will happen, and how it will happen---just do not be abusive!!!!!!

There is nothing to think about here----a woman does not go to a mans hotel room, to count the holes in the ceiling----if the 2 of them wanted to talk, they could have sat in the lobby, gone to a park, gone to a restaurant----all of them not proper for a married woman, but at least there was no available bed----you know da*n well she was in bed with her lover

One last thing----if you do decide to stay----make her sign a POST--NUP

Real bottom line here tho, seems to be she has already left the mge, and is basically just being a demanding roommate, who is demanding her privacy, ----in a proper married situation there is NO PRIVACY---the 2 of you vowed to be as one----not so in your situation----best bet----get your D, and move on----also tell her to leave the home---tell her to go live with her lover-----bottom line she doesn't have to go----but say it anyway----let her know, you are done with her and her garbage


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Usually men don't send pictures of their erections to women for fear of a negative reaction. If your wife went to his hotel and found out his penis was not attractive in real life why did she repeat the exercise to the point that she could not remember the exact number of meetings.

Your wife is brazen. 

How old are your children?

Does your wife love you in a compartmentalized way or not at all?

Filing for divorce may sound extreme but can you stay in a marriage with such a episode?


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

OP, 

Sorry, your wife is not being honest at all. She is lying through her teeth completely. Sadly, once one goes through this it's so easy to see. 

Be prepared for nothing to ever be the same. The issue isn't just the affair, but everything that happens along with an affair. The fallout, to say. I'm soooo sorry you are here. 

My hubby had an affair at the 28 yr of our marriage. He too found himself restless with his life. He was going through a major midlife crises. I'm almost 4 years out, only now is life starting to make sense again...don't sit in limbo, its's hell on earth. 

~sammy


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Your wife is having an affair and openly to you. See a divorce lawyer to protect your legal rights. Expose her to everyone. Did you say that this man is a performer and was in your town? See a reporter and give her/him the details of your wife's involvement with this man. A married woman with four children and having an affair with this visiting performer would not be good for ticket sales.

Meanwhile, see a psychologist. You need to work on your self-esteem. You placed your wife on a pedestal. She belongs on the floor. See her for what she is, a liar and a cheater.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

PreRaphaelite said:


> May I be blunt with you?
> 
> Kick her to the curb, file for divorce and tell your cheating wife to get the hell out of your life.


I'm getting the sense he is not the kind of guy who can do that.


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## BBeetle (Apr 27, 2015)

I am most concerned for the children. This will hurt them dearly.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

BBeetle said:


> I am most concerned for the children. This will hurt them dearly.


That's why you have to stand up for them. The way to do that is for that to see daddy is being a strong. If you have daughters, they'll see that it's wrong and that there are consequences. For your sons, they'll see that you have to stand up for yourself.

When a woman starts having sex with a new man, she has to disconnect from her current partner. That's why she is so cold toward you. The 25 years and family mean very little to her while she is in the fog. Her loyalty is to her new lover. He snaps his fingers, she will run to him. And if I have it correctly he's a performer. That means he usually gets to bang many woman. Which is a sign of social proof that many women are drawn to. 

Also you better get yourself tested. Just because she's has her head in the clouds doesn't mean that you can be reckless. Your kids need you healthy.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

BBeetle said:


> I am most concerned for the children. This will hurt them dearly.


Then you either suck it up, be her babysitter while she gets dolled up and goes out to fvck another man, and live with the fact that your children will grow up knowing dad is a miserable cuckold...

OR...

You file for divorce, ask your WW to leave the home, and learn how to co-parent with her living apart like 90% of divorced people all around thew world do. 

Those are really your only options.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

BBeetle said:


> We have been married for almost 25 years. We also work together in a small office. About 3 weeks ago I noticed my wife all of the sudden wanted to get out all the time, and was very curious about my schedule. She started being gone for hours with obviously phony excuses, to the point where out 4 kids were suspecting she was up to something. I asked her about this two weeks ago, and she said nothing was going on, and she just needed some of her own space. She kept coming with bad excuses, so I asked her again five days ago what was going on, and that I deserved to know if she was having an affair.
> She said she was not having an affair, but said it in a funny way. I asked her if she was seeing someone, and she said yes. She met this married person online, and had been talking with him for 6 months. She said the talk became very sexual, *and he sent her pictures of his penis. She says she never sent him any pictures, but I find that hard to believe. She says she does not want me to see the exchanges because of the sexual talk.
> She also admitted this person is from about 90 miles away, and was in town recently "to perform".* She says she went to his hotel room 2 or 3 times-I think it was more and I find it silly she cannot tell me how many times. She also says nothing sexual happened because she was not attracted to him. Why did she keep going back. She also said if he had been attractive to her she cannot guarantee she would not have slept with him. I asked her to prove to me that it was over, and she said they both just knew it was. She said nothing happened, but I do not see how you can go to a hotel room numerous times after having months of sexual talk and pictures, and nothing happened. Two days after she confessed, she got mad at me and said "am I going to have to live with this the rest of my life?" She gets angry at me whenever I try to talk about it, and puts the blame on me telling me I became boring. She also said if I do not change, she cannot guarantee this will not happen again. I have very little information, and no proof she has called off her affair. She said she will go to counseling, and I think I will do that for the sake of our 4 kids.
> Do I trust her, and what do you think I should do in this situation?


* Yeah! He undoubtedly must have come in to town to give her several live, personal "performances" of that penis of his!

You need to fastly reciprocate by giving her a "performance" all of your very own ~ by getting yourself to an attorney's office and getting the paperwork initiated for immediate D proceedings!*


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Her gaslighting is appalling. Divorce!

If you can find any humor in this tragedy, look at how absurd lying in the face of the obvious is.

Monty Python did it best.

Jokes - Monty Python - Dead Parrot Sketch


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Do the 180. Stop talking with her, except about the children.

You need to divorce so that your children don't grow up in a horrible atmosphere. Mom sex buzzed and dad depressed.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

OP, 

You don't see it now, she is keeping herself for her om, not you. She will not give to you now as she will feel she is cheating on her lover. 

She will start to protect her life w him. You will not be able to complete with him. 

You do not D your children.

I am not a big fan on doing anything that major the first year, so my 2 cent would be to tell your wife to find herself a place to live and to pay for it herself and what not. You do not move out, she better gets real about all of this and realizes this is serious business. 

These people on this board that are telling you like it is are giving you very value advise... listen closely...

~sammy


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

BBeetle said:


> I am most concerned for the children. This will hurt them dearly.


How old are your children, BBeetle?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Go to the Marriage Builders website and look up the correct way to expose the affair. There are instructions included on how to tell your children depending on their ages. 

Your luck now depends on how strong you can be. The quicker you act, the sooner everyone will be better off.


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## BBeetle (Apr 27, 2015)

She is acting different then a lot of people are saying. While she gets angry every time I bring this up or accuse her of something improper relating to the affair, she acts like nothing really happened and wants to sleep with me all the time. I have avoided that and it is making her mad.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

BBeetle said:


> She is acting different then a lot of people are saying. While she gets angry every time I bring this up or accuse her of something improper relating to the affair, she acts like nothing really happened and wants to sleep with me all the time. I have avoided that and it is making her mad.


It is called appeasement. She is essentially prostituting herself to get you off her back and to keep her meal ticket. She is disgusting. No morals. No integrity. Is this what you want to be married to the rest of your life?


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

BBeetle said:


> She says she went to his hotel room 2 or 3 times-I think it was more and I find it silly she cannot tell me how many times. She also says nothing sexual happened because she was not attracted to him. Why did she keep going back.


Here's a quote from a FWW on another forum:

_"The hardest part is that I did this just for the attention I was getting both times. *I was not physically attracted to either man (found them disgusting physically in all honesty)*, neither had anything to offer me and I didn't see a future with either of them. The only thing was they offered me attention that made me feel good about myself. I didn't even want the physical things to happen. In fact, I was ok with them happening until they were actually happening and then I couldn't handle it. *But I was willing to do these things because I wanted the attention to continue*."_



> She gets angry at me whenever I try to talk about it, and puts the blame on me telling me I became boring. She also said if I do not change, she cannot guarantee this will not happen again.


You know what's not boring? Filing for a divorce.

Not only is she avoiding consequences for what she did, she wants you to REWARD her for it by being a better husband. If she is not 100% into the marriage then she either works on getting there or you need to end it. SHE screwed up, not you, SHE needs to fix it. Stop letting her turn the tables on you when she is in the wrong.

She wears the pants in your relationship and she knows it. This unbalance of power is why she is walking all over you. Women do not respect men that don't stand up for themselves.


> I am most concerned for the children. This will hurt them dearly.


This may be unavoidable but you can determine what lesson they learn. Tolerate cheating/disrespect from a spouse or not. Your kids will model their future relationships from you.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Chaparral said:


> *Go to the Marriage Builders website and look up the correct way to expose the affair. * There are instructions included on how to tell your children depending on their ages.


Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"She gets angry at me whenever I try to talk about it, and puts the blame on me telling me I became boring. She also said if I do not change, she cannot guarantee this will not happen again."

It's crap like this that convinces me that NONE of them (WS's that is) ever deserve R.

To even attempt it seems like such a degradation of self-worth that I could never do it.

I know many of you here have managed to fight through and successfully repair your M's.

I admire your strength.....and truly hope that you think the new M was worth the pain and effort.

I just know I could never do it....ESPECIALLY if I heard something like this sh*t.

OP,

I think you need to shake her up and demonstrate you will not tolerate this crap.

Expose her A to both your families and all friends, expose to POSOM's BW (if he has one), file for D, and refuse to talk with her about anything but the kids or the D proceedings.

Do not alter this course unless she comes begging for a chance to save the M and is willing to give you the full truth about the A (I think she is lying through her teeth that this wasn't a PA/sexual) and starts doing the necessary acts to repair the relationship, including NC with POS and transparency to begin to rebuild trust.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

BBeetle said:


> She is acting different then a lot of people are saying. While *she gets angry every time I bring this up* or accuse her of something improper relating to the affair, she acts like nothing really happened and wants to sleep with me all the time. I have avoided that and it is making her mad.


She see's you as weak and figures she can appease you with some sex. Her heart is no longer with you, It's sad that her husband of 25 years and father of her 4 kids is now plan b that she feels she has to settle for and go through the motions for. She know that POS "performer" is not about to take on a divorcee with kids but if he wanted her all he has to do is snap is fingers and she is back in his bed.

In her sick mind, she is sacrificing enough for the marriage and family by just being with you. That's why she has no patience for your questions or your pain.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

jsmart said:


> She see's you as weak and figures she can appease you with some sex. Her heart is no longer with you, It's sad that her husband of 25 years and father of her 4 kids is now plan b that she feels she has to settle for and go through the motions for. She know that POS "performer" is not about to take on a divorcee with kids but if he wanted her all he has to do is snap is fingers and she is back in his bed.
> 
> In her sick mind, she is sacrificing enough for the marriage and family by just being with you. That's why she has no patience for your questions or your pain.


Exactly, in her twisted mind, she is doing you a favor.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

BBeetle said:


> She is acting different then a lot of people are saying. While she gets angry every time I bring this up or accuse her of something improper relating to the affair, she acts like nothing really happened and wants to sleep with me all the time. I have avoided that and it is making her mad.


Sometimes a wife acts on what is called an exit affair (Apparently that is not the case with your wife). 
Its possible (seems likely) that she is not trying to end your marriage but merely seeking excitement, romance, passion outside your marriage but wants to preserve the safety and security you provide as well as the family history you share.

So she is acting to placate you for that purpose.

Wives in exit affairs can often be evil issed:, in the excitement type affairs they often seem crazy :crazy:, and of course then there is the Bat$hit Crazy level :FIREdevil:.

She no longer has good impulse control, boundaries, or personal integrity, because cheating changes you!

If you sleep with her now you are giving in to her manipulation, it will make the crazy metastasize.

I am sorry, I hope it works out for you, take care!


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## raven3321 (Sep 25, 2013)

BBeetle said:


> She uses an iphone 6 through ATT. I would love to see her communications to see how much she has lied to me, and probably still is doing so. Any way to do this, even if she probably deleted them from her phone?


If she has an iphone, I'm assuming she syncs it to iTunes. If you have access to the computer she syncs it to, then you're in business.

Before it syncs the phone, iTunes backs up everything on the phone.....everything; including videos, photos, and texts. Even deleted texts. It puts everything in one file on your computer. There are hundreds of backup readers online, some free, that can easily read the texts. Just an idea.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Decorum said:


> Sometimes a wife acts on what is called an exit affair (Apparently that is not the case with your wife).
> Its possible (seems likely) that she is not trying to end your marriage but merely *seeking excitement, romance, passion outside your marriage but wants to preserve the safety and security you provide as well as the family history you share.*
> 
> So *she is acting to placate you* for that purpose.
> ...


Reading through the threads here, SI, Loveshack, and other places you see the pattern. When a woman commits adultery, it's much hard for her to fall back in love because she has lost respect for the husband. Most woman can only have sex with a man she respects and she can only respect one man at a time. So in order to give herself to new man, she has to reject BH and rewrite marital history. All of a sudden she never loved BH. The whole marriage was a lie. In the beginning of affair some WW turn up the sex for BH but it's not BH she's thinking about. Her heart is already with OM.

Consequences mean nothing to her fogged up mind. All that matters is keeping new man happy so she can get the high/thrill of the affair. Besides she knows the family/divorce courts will ensure her well being. You see the affects of the broken family, child support/ alimony, wasted history, and having to start over.

She's reckless and your fearful. You have to turn those around by shocking her with strength. File, expose, 180, and self improve.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Your wife is exhibiting the classic behaviors of a cheater. What she did was cheating, even if it was exactly as she has admitted to. Experience here would strongly suggest it was also a physical affair, as would basic logic when she went to his hotel room several times. And, cheaters lie about what they did. The common story is it was nothing, they were just friends, then it becomes they had some text messages, then she admits they met but didn't have sex, then yes they started to get naked but she stopped.

It is called "trickle truth". Eventually it comes out that the affair was very sexual. And your wife has so far shown all the classic behaviors of a cheater who is caught but there is no proof of the physical part yet.

I would go full bore on the 007 spy stuff. VAR your house or her office at your business where she makes phone calls. VAR her car. GPS her car if you think she is still sneaking around. Recover all her texts. Keylog the computer(s) she uses.

Demand a timeline from her of her affair. Also demand all her userid and passwords for all of her emails and social media. Then you go look at all of them. Be sure to look in the trash folders - some people don't empty trash folders. Review all her contacts. Cheaters will put their AP under a fake name, so you need to compare all the names and phone numbers. Review current cell phone bills looking to see if she has indeed stopped contacting this guy (to the extent you can).

Search for a burner phone. All the little compartments in her car, her closet, her dresser, etc.

Search her new sexy lingerie which you haven't seen her wear for you.

Your first goal is to establish whether she in fact has stopped all contact with this or other men.

Also, do some research on divorce in your area. You need to protect your assets. If infidelity is a factor where you live, you need to talk to a lawyer asap. Having sex with her may be considered legal forgiveness for her affair, so don't have sex with her until you talk to a lawyer, if infidelity is a factor in your state.

Do get tested for STDs. Don't hide it from her. She needs to know that she has destroyed trust even if it really wasn't a physical affair. Right now she is not showing true remorse. And you shouldn't worry about offending her!


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

File for divorce.


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