# Why do men hold off on having sex too soon?



## ne9907

I met a guy online. We haven't met yet due to logistical reasons, I am away on a business trip. I will be going back home the first week of October.

We talk about a lot of things on the phone and also texting. Appears that he is also a sexual person like myself. Our mutual (cyber) attraction is strong and I feel comfortable talking with him. 
He actually told me he would like to wait to wait to have sex until we get to know each other better. His also says that he feels sex too soon complicates things. I agree. 
I am on the defensive because this man says what I am thinking. However, I believe his words.

What are your reasons for waiting to have sex?


----------



## rockon

Chlamydia, herpes, gonorrhea, HPV, HIV, trichomoniasis to name a few.


----------



## ne9907

rockon said:


> Chlamydia, herpes, gonorrhea, HPV, HIV, trichomoniasis to name a few.


hahaha


----------



## Married but Happy

Why wait? To give my rational mind a chance to catch up to my hormones, and avoid making stupid choices before I know someone well enough to recognize potential problems. Typically, I've found that happens by the second or third date, if things even get that far.


----------



## *Deidre*

It's a very good thing that he is saying this, ne. It shows that he doesn't sleep with every woman he meets, and that when he has sex with you, if he does...it'll mean something. Sex can sometimes ruin a really good thing, because it can cloud our thinking. Consider it a positive, for now.


----------



## uhtred

Some men realize that sex can addle their brains and make them fall for someone who is really inappropriate It may give then a feeling of commitment that they don't want yet.

But, some men actually don't want much sex and find reasons to avoid it.


Its important to understand his reasons.


----------



## MrsAldi

I read somewhere (can't remember where!) that in order for love to happen sex should be avoided for 6 weeks so that a couple has time to bond & create intimacy etc. 

The study showed that certain couples who had sex on the first date didn't last long together compared with those who held back for six weeks. 

But yes some guys like to wait a while, I don't think there is anything wrong with that, some folks probably want to know each other a bit better before sex.


----------



## 2ntnuf

He isn't as sexual as you. That doesn't mean he doesn't think similarly in many ways. He likely doesn't think like you in some of the most important things that will help you be happy long term. Keep looking. Find someone who will be able to understand you, not just say things that make you think he does. Good luck.


----------



## ne9907

2ntnuf said:


> He isn't as sexual as you. That doesn't mean he doesn't think similarly in many ways. He likely doesn't think like you in some of the most important things that will help you be happy long term. Keep looking. Find someone who will be able to understand you, not just say things that make you think he does. Good luck.


This is a venue I had not thought about. As I said before, we have not met in person, only texting and phone conversation. 

I am having so much fun getting to know him. In the past, I have had sex with men too quickly, therefore I am glad we have to wait for at least TWO more weeks (actually 3 weeks because he has his kid the weekend I am returning). 

Our conversations are sexual, spiritual, routine, daily life, etc. 
If in the end I am more sexual than he is, I will be extremely disappointed. Perhaps I am making a big deal. Perhaps we will never meet. 
I simply feel we have a strong connection.

Have never felt such a strong spiritual connection with a man before, not for lack of trying either haha! I have been around the block a time or two


----------



## bandit.45

More and more men these days are holding off sex so as not to get themselves entrapped by women who are baby daddy shopping. 

MGTOW is a growing movement and it will continue to get more prevalent. Men just are not willing to give their sperm away freely anymore. And that includes sex with a condom.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ne9907

bandit.45 said:


> More and more men these days are holding off sex so as not to get themselves entrapped by women who are baby daddy shopping.
> 
> MGTOW is a growing movement and it will continue to get more prevalent. Men just are not willing to give their sperm away freely anymore. And that includes sex with a condom.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What is MGTOW?


----------



## MrsAldi

ne9907 said:


> What is MGTOW?


Men Got Trouble Over Women! (Just kidding!) 

It's called Men Going Their Own Way




Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


----------



## 2ntnuf

bandit.45 said:


> More and more men these days are holding off sex so as not to get themselves entrapped by women who are baby daddy shopping.
> 
> MGTOW is a growing movement and it will continue to get more prevalent. Men just are not willing to give their sperm away freely anymore. And that includes sex with a condom.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't know about MGTOW. I didn't read those threads and haven't followed the movement or website at all. 

I think a good Christian man, and a good man who loves himself will hold off, too.


----------



## 225985

ne9907 said:


> What are your reasons for waiting to have sex?


If I was not in a sexless marriage, and married, I would not have any reason for waiting. :|

BTW, he is just saying that so you will think he is this great guy that respects you. Then you will lower your guard and sleep with him. Mission accomplished.

Or


----------



## arbitrator

ne9907 said:


> I met a guy online. We haven't met yet due to logistical reasons, I am away on a business trip. I will be going back home the first week of October.
> 
> We talk about a lot of things on the phone and also texting. Appears that he is also a sexual person like myself. Our mutual (cyber) attraction is strong and I feel comfortable talking with him.
> He actually told me he would like to wait to wait to have sex until we get to know each other better. His also says that he feels sex too soon complicates things. I agree.
> I am on the defensive because this man says what I am thinking. However, I believe his words.
> 
> What are your reasons for waiting to have sex?


*Because I don't want to engage myself to some unsavory situation that I am ill-equipped to handle!

Sharing sex organs with an attractive, sophisticated female can be rather nice! But sharing mutual feelings with them before you're emotionally available or ready can be deadly!

For either sex!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DustyDog

ne9907 said:


> I met a guy online. We haven't met yet due to logistical reasons, I am away on a business trip. I will be going back home the first week of October.
> 
> We talk about a lot of things on the phone and also texting. Appears that he is also a sexual person like myself. Our mutual (cyber) attraction is strong and I feel comfortable talking with him.
> He actually told me he would like to wait to wait to have sex until we get to know each other better. His also says that he feels sex too soon complicates things. I agree.
> I am on the defensive because this man says what I am thinking. However, I believe his words.
> 
> What are your reasons for waiting to have sex?


1) If this woman turns out to be the right one for an LTR, I don't want to have her feel I 'pushed' her into sex too soon.

I guess that's pretty much it. Whether sex is soon or later, I know how to be safe about it, so that's not a big one for me.

Ask yourself this - you and he agree on something. Why does that put you on the defensive? A lack of trust can kill any relationship.


----------



## ne9907

DustyDog said:


> Ask yourself this - you and he agree on something. Why does that put you on the defensive? A lack of trust can kill any relationship.


PTSD from marriage, not war... Yep. Trust issues.


----------



## Haiku

I have a firm nonnegotiable 17 minute wait rule.


----------



## 2ntnuf

Haiku said:


> I have a firm nonnegotiable 17 minute wait rule.


Let's see....one thing in common with a guy, and it is likely a hindrance or...


You and Haiku have similar rules for sex.

You and Haiku know each other likely as much or more than you and this other guy.

That's two things in common. That's one more than you and that guy online.

I wonder what else you two have in common? 

I just did that for an illustration, but who knows? Haiku is a good guy.

You'd have a better chance at a successful long term relationship with Haiku. It's still slim and none at this point, but it's a little better than the guy online. 

Hope you understand, both of you.


----------



## southbound

How much time constitutes "waiting" or "holding off?" I realize there are people whose main interest is sex and they are looking for that as soon as possible, but I wouldn't even consider having sex with a woman unless I felt a connection that the relationship had potential to go somewhere. I suppose that time frame would vary depending on how i felt about the woman.


----------



## bandit.45

2ntnuf said:


> I don't know about MGTOW. I didn't read those threads and haven't followed the movement or website at all.
> 
> I think a good Christian man, and a good man who loves himself will hold off, too.


Go on YouTube and watch some of the MGTOW videos. It's pretty disheartening. More and more young, educated males are dropping out of the gene pool and refusing to get married. It's a growing movement.


----------



## LucasJackson

This is femi-nazi conditioning that western males live under these days. He wants in your pants but because of how he's been conditioned he's a mangina so you'll have to wait.


----------



## 2ntnuf

southbound said:


> How much time constitutes "waiting" or "holding off?" I realize there are people whose main interest is sex and they are looking for that as soon as possible, but I wouldn't even consider having sex with a woman unless I felt a connection that the relationship had potential to go somewhere. I suppose that time frame would vary depending on how i felt about the woman.


I personally tend to agree with this. I would state it a little different. I would have to believe the woman and I had good potential, more than normal, to be very compatible. I would also have to have that chemical connection that is tough to explain. Then, and only then, would I consider having sex with her. 

There is no time limit for me. It would all depend on upfront honesty and openness. Who can know without actions about honesty? Those actions have to be consistent over time. How much time? Enough for me to believe. 

Sex is sex. It is good enough or it is much less or way more than we want. It can be worked on to some extent, depending on the person you are with. That's where finding out how willing the person is to compromise, understand, share, and give becomes important. 

Pretty much anything in the average range of sexual experimentation is likely pretty good to most. I'm sure you can talk about that. No? Maybe that's a red flag? It may take some time to get comfortable enough to talk about it. Not sure why it's so easy to have it, but not talk about it?


----------



## 2ntnuf

LucasJackson said:


> This is femi-nazi conditioning that western males live under these days. He wants in your pants but because of how he's been conditioned he's a mangina so you'll have to wait.


Another reason you two are not compatible. You'd be more compatible with LucasJ., at least at first glance.


----------



## ne9907

We have talked about sex a lot, our likes and dislikes, we are compatible on that aspect. However, everything is theoretic at the moment.
We shall see when we meet. 

Thank you all for the information. 
How long will we wait? After initial meeting, we will determine, we might not even have chemistry! Chemistry is extremely important!!!

The first step is meet, then we shall go from there.


----------



## 2ntnuf

Be careful, ne.


----------



## Betrayedone

Good grief.......you have not even met yet and you are playing guessing games about your first sexual encounter? Putting the cart before the horse as it sounds to me. Relax, have fun, get to know each other and when and if it is supposed to happen, it will.


----------



## Blondilocks

Maybe he wants you to see him as a challenge.


----------



## ne9907

@2ntnuf I am always careful  Thank you 
@Betrayedone I get you! I feel silly sometimes. I hate dating, but comes very easy for me. Now, finding a potential mate (this man) is challenging!! This man and I have potential. He is actually very close to what I envision having as a partner.
@Blondilocks perhaps....


----------



## *Deidre*

ne, remember ''hot guy?'' lol You don't want a repeat of that, so taking things slower might be a good thing. I hope it all works out, if it's meant to be.


----------



## ne9907

*Deidre* said:


> ne, remember ''hot guy?'' lol You don't want a repeat of that, so taking things slower might be a good thing. I hope it all works out, if it's meant to be.


Absolute haha

The difference is that I KNEW from the get go that hot guy was not relationship material. He was my summer fling. This guy has potential Deidre!!! So much potential, it is a bit scary. 

We are so great on paper (we haven't meet).


----------



## As'laDain

For me, I wait because I am demisexual. A girl could be a perfect "ten" and if I don't feel close to her, she doesn't turn me on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## *Deidre*

ne9907 said:


> Absolute haha
> 
> The difference is that I KNEW from the get go that hot guy was not relationship material. He was my summer fling. This guy has potential Deidre!!! So much potential, it is a bit scary.
> 
> We are so great on paper (we haven't meet).


I'm so excited for you!! Glad you are connecting with quality guys. 

You know, in our culture, sex is seen as recreational for many people, and I don't judge people who don't take their time getting to know someone before sex enters in, but I have known more people than not, who have rushed sex, and it ruined a good thing. Or the good thing never happened, because sex took over the whole relationship. It's okay for a guy to hold back a little, he might need to really know who he is getting involved with, before sleeping with them. I hope it all works out.


----------



## Haiku

2ntnuf said:


> Another reason you two are not compatible. You'd be more compatible with LucasJ., at least at first glance.


😡

In my defense, I can't control that I'm drawn to the classy types. I figure if a girl doesn't have the self control and self discipline to wait seventeen minutes to finish our drinks and leave the bar to find a comfortable bush in the parking lot then she's not a good long term fit. 😬


----------



## 2ntnuf

Haiku said:


> 😡
> 
> In my defense, I can't control that I'm drawn to the classy types. I figure if a girl doesn't have the self control and self discipline to wait seventeen minutes to finish our drinks and leave the bar to find a comfortable bush in the parking lot then she's not a good long term fit. 😬


:laugh: 

Sorry Haiku. I wasn't trying to disparage you. 

Man, I could run with this post, but it wouldn't be a good thing and I'd be banished to the hinterlands.


----------



## ne9907

Haiku said:


> 😡
> 
> In my defense, I can't control that I'm drawn to the classy types. I figure if a girl doesn't have the self control and self discipline to wait seventeen minutes to finish our drinks and leave the bar to find a comfortable bush in the parking lot then she's not a good long term fit. 😬


:laugh::laugh::laugh:


----------



## 225985

As'laDain said:


> For me, I wait because I am demisexual.


I learned a new word today. 

Does the same word apply if you develop an emotional bond with someone, and that causes you to want to sleep with them?


----------



## knobcreek

If I don't know you well enough to lend you $20 or the keys to my car it's probably too soon to share the most intimate act two people can share.


----------



## As'laDain

blueinbr said:


> I learned a new word today.
> 
> Does the same word apply if you develop an emotional bond with someone, and that causes you to want to sleep with them?


It's more of a sexual orientation kinda thing. For me, the emotional connection is a prerequisite for sexual arousal. I imagine that the emotional connection leads to sexual desire sometimes with others, but for me, it's a requirement. It also makes it confusing sometimes, because I often feel aroused by people I shouldn't feel aroused by, simply because I am emotionally close to them. For me, it seems that ANY time I feel a deep bond with someone, I feel sexual arousal. It used to bother me and confuse me a lot. Nowadays, I just more or less accept it and act on it only when appropriate (IE, with my wife).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ne9907

Thank you all for the replies.

I really like this man, I hope we have a great first date, second date, third, fourth, and many to come


----------



## Vega

ne9907 said:


> PTSD from marriage, not war... Yep. Trust issues.


I wouldn't call what's going on a trust "issue". I mean, are we SUPPOSED to automatically trust someone with our body when we haven't even met them in person yet? 

I would call the waiting time being _SMART_; not being an "issue"!


----------



## Vega

knobcreek said:


> If I don't know you well enough to lend you $20 or the keys to my car it's probably too soon to share the most intimate act two people can share.


I wish more men and women thought like this!


----------



## BetrayedDad

ne9907 said:


> He actually told me he would like to wait to wait to have sex until we get to know each other better. His also says that he feels sex too soon complicates things.


Sounds like a line.... Next he'll be saying, "I swear I never do this" as he wakes up in your bed the next morning. 



ne9907 said:


> I agree.


I'm sure. The point of lines is to tell you what you want to hear.



ne9907 said:


> I am on the defensive because this man says what I am thinking.


I'd be suspicious too LOL. I don't know ANY guys who talk like that.



ne9907 said:


> What are your reasons for waiting to have sex?


If I were single I absolutely wouldn't turn down sex from a girl I was interested in so I can't answer that. 

Proceed with caution is all I can tell you.... At best he's a weirdo, at worst he's running game on you.

Ask him if he has any STDs you should know about too. I got a funny feeling......


----------



## Cletus

Jesus Tapdancing Christ, the cynicism on this thread is so thick you can cut it with a knife.

I typically waited for sex with a woman in order to be a gentleman. Sex isn't casual (except when it is) and in general shouldn't be treated as such with a prospective mate, unless you're hooking up for that express purpose. As my date, you should feel comfortable not worrying whether I'll abandon the relationship on date 3 if I haven't gotten you in the sack yet. 

On the other hand, my wife made me wait until marriage, which in retrospect was a huge mistake. Seems there's a reasonable compromise somewhere in the middle.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk


----------



## ne9907

@BetrayedDad I did a lot of casual dating, hooking up since my divorce. Hence, this new territory feels strange. I do not mind having sex with a man early on, except when I feel the connection is stronger than just random sex. Which has not happened yet. 

Sex does confuse the mind. This guy has potential. I am glad we are getting to know each other before we engage in any sexual activities.

Also, he is pretty normal and his "weird" tendencies happen to align perfectly with my beliefs haha.


----------



## Fozzy

knobcreek said:


> If I don't know you well enough to lend you $20 or the keys to my car it's probably too soon to share the most intimate act two people can share.


This is my feelings in a nutshell. Not judging anyone else, but I couldn't be comfortable enough to drop my pants in front of someone that I haven't known long enough to trust. That would freak me out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Haiku

Cletus said:


> Jesus Tapdancing Christ, the cynicism on this thread is so thick you can cut it with a knife.
> 
> I typically waited for sex with a woman in order to be a gentleman. ...you should feel comfortable not worrying whether I'll abandon the relationship on date 3 if I haven't gotten you in the sack. On the other hand, my wife made me wait until marriage, which in retrospect was a huge mistake.
> 
> *Seems there's a reasonable compromise somewhere in the middle*.


I'm not saying it's the 'Seventeen Minute Rule' but it's the seventeen minute rule. 😖


----------



## GusPolinski

ne9907 said:


> I met a guy online. We haven't met yet due to logistical reasons, I am away on a business trip. I will be going back home the first week of October.
> 
> We talk about a lot of things on the phone and also texting. Appears that he is also a sexual person like myself. Our mutual (cyber) attraction is strong and I feel comfortable talking with him.
> He actually told me he would like to wait to wait to have sex until we get to know each other better. His also says that he feels sex too soon complicates things. I agree.
> I am on the defensive because this man says what I am thinking. However, I believe his words.
> 
> What are your reasons for waiting to have sex?


Imagine that it were possible for you to take the absolute worst thing you've ever eaten and make it infinitely better by adding chocolate syrup, whipped cream, candy sprinkles, and a cherry.

Absent those things, though, you wouldn't be interested in the dish at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ne9907

Update
Whoever said "He has an STD" was correct. He has HPV. I need to educate myself better on this subject. 
Yes, I do wear condoms when having sex with someone. I am glad he told me. He is totally honest with me. I am a bit freaked out because I know very little about HPV, however I give him props for telling me.

So far, I feel he is worth the wait until I get to know him better. This could potentially be a deal breaker. One thing is for sure, no sex until I have a strong emotional bond with him. We have been talking for only 10 days, however we discuss a lot of things. 


We shall see...


----------



## Haiku

I know next to nothing about hpv but the fact you are still open and willing to talk means you are one quality person. Good luck to you.


----------



## heartsbeating

A song for the thread 

Making You Wait - Jill Scott


----------



## ne9907

After a night of rest, I have made a decision:

I am going to hang out with this man and do not jump into feelings. I will also make sure he is on a higher standard than most guys I've dated in the past. I will also get a FULL STD work out before I decide to engage in any kind of sexual activity with him. I will also not rush into anything and let him know my intentions before hand. 

Oh yes. I will continue to educate myself on HPV. I have read a LOT already.


----------



## rockon

ne9907 said:


> Update
> Whoever said "He has an STD" was correct. He has HPV. I need to educate myself better on this subject.
> Yes, I do wear condoms when having sex with someone. I am glad he told me. He is totally honest with me. I am a bit freaked out because I know very little about HPV, however I give him props for telling me.
> 
> So far, I feel he is worth the wait until I get to know him better. This could potentially be a deal breaker. One thing is for sure, no sex until I have a strong emotional bond with him. We have been talking for only 10 days, however we discuss a lot of things.
> 
> 
> We shall see...


*Potentially* be a deal breaker? Please remember condoms are NOT 100% effective. Not even close. You are playing Russian roulette. A STD is a instant deal breaker with me.


----------



## EllisRedding

rockon said:


> *Potentially* be a deal breaker? Please remember condoms are NOT 100% effective. Not even close. You are playing Russian roulette. A STD is a instant deal breaker with me.


Although I am sure everyone will have slightly different feelings on the matter, an STD would be a deal breaker for me as well


----------



## ne9907

rockon said:


> *Potentially* be a deal breaker? Please remember condoms are NOT 100% effective. Not even close. You are playing Russian roulette. A STD is a instant deal breaker with me.


Absolutely,
However, I believe in signs from the Universe. So far, I have gotten plenty of them to continue talking to this man. I am not rushing into anything. I will have to be legit in love with him before any sexual activity. This will actually be good for me, to wait to feel deeply in love with someone. 

I have been too careless with sex in the past, and miss the awesome feeling of being in love. If I do not fall in love with his person then I will walk away. I am not rushing into feelings or expecting to fall for him. Whatever happens will happen. I will keep an open mind.


EDIT: Your opinions (TAM members) matter significantly. I shall take into consideration your thoughts on the issue.


----------



## rockon

ne9907 said:


> Absolutely,
> However, I believe in signs from the Universe. So far, I have gotten plenty of them to continue talking to this man. I am not rushing into anything. I will have to be legit in love with him before any sexual activity. This will actually be good for me, to wait to feel deeply in love with someone.
> 
> I have been too careless with sex in the past, and miss the awesome feeling of being in love. If I do not fall in love with his person then I will walk away. I am not rushing into feelings or expecting to fall for him. Whatever happens will happen. I will keep an open mind.
> 
> 
> EDIT: Your opinions (TAM members) matter significantly. I shall take into consideration your thoughts on the issue.


I have to admit, I love your positive attitude!!


----------



## Vega

ne9907 said:


> Absolutely,
> However, I believe in signs from the Universe. So far, I have gotten plenty of them to continue talking to this man. I am not rushing into anything. I will have to be legit in love with him before any sexual activity. This will actually be good for me, to wait to feel deeply in love with someone.
> 
> I have been too careless with sex in the past, and miss the awesome feeling of being in love. If I do not fall in love with his person then I will walk away. I am not rushing into feelings or expecting to fall for him. Whatever happens will happen. I will keep an open mind.
> 
> 
> EDIT: Your opinions (TAM members) matter significantly. I shall take into consideration your thoughts on the issue.


As much as I admire and respect your practicality and cautiousness, have you considered how _HE_ may feel? 

I have heard that men (in general) tend to fall in love with women more quickly. It would be more difficult for him if he fell in love with you, while you were still weighing the pro's and con's, only to realize that you were NOT in love with him and/or that you couldn't handle his STD.


----------



## ne9907

Vega said:


> As much as I admire and respect your practicality and cautiousness, have you considered how _HE_ may feel?
> 
> I have heard that men (in general) tend to fall in love with women more quickly. It would be more difficult for him if he fell in love with you, while you were still weighing the pro's and con's, only to realize that you were NOT in love with him and/or that you couldn't handle his STD.


I admit I had not considered his feelings in the equation. I will wait to speak with him after our initial meeting and we have time to gauge our attraction.
@rockon thank you, some people might call it naivete or even stupidity. I prefer to live my life in a happy state. I lived a horrible life while being married, I am cautiously optimistic now  but also a realist!~


----------



## MarriedTex

As you're researching, you may want to go into "private" mode on your browser. Your research could produce a whole different set of online ads that you don't want to be looking at for the next three years.


----------



## rockon

MarriedTex said:


> As you're researching, you may want to go into "private" mode on your browser. Your research could produce a whole different set of online ads that you don't want to be looking at for the next three years.


Tell me about it. I mentioned condoms in a post above and visited another web site soon after and guess what? Trojan condom adverts.


----------



## *Deidre*

ne9907 said:


> After a night of rest, I have made a decision:
> 
> I am going to hang out with this man and do not jump into feelings. I will also make sure he is on a higher standard than most guys I've dated in the past. I will also get a FULL STD work out before I decide to engage in any kind of sexual activity with him. I will also not rush into anything and let him know my intentions before hand.
> 
> Oh yes. I will continue to educate myself on HPV. I have read a LOT already.


Please be careful, ne. I'm not that familiar with HPV and looked it up, and seems it can lead to serious illnesses, even cancer. I feel bad for him, but it seems risky to me.


----------



## Cletus

If you're going to take everyone with HPV off the table, or everyone who might have it and doesn't know, get ready to be lonely. 

According to the CDC, "HPV is so common that nearly all sexually active men and women get it at some point in their lives. "

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk


----------



## WorkingOnMe

Well over 80% of people who have ever had sex have had hpv. It usually clears in its own in 6 months. The kind that causes cancer can't be seen. Also there is no reliable test for hpv in men. If he thinks he has it, he's assuming. Probably based on a partner's diagnosis.


----------



## ne9907

Cletus said:


> If you're going to take everyone with HPV off the table, or everyone who might have it and doesn't know, get ready to be lonely.
> 
> According to the CDC, "HPV is so common that nearly all sexually active men and women get it at some point in their lives. "
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk





WorkingOnMe said:


> Well over 80% of people who have ever had sex have had hpv. It usually clears in its own in 6 months. The kind that causes cancer can't be seen. Also there is no reliable test for hpv in men. If he thinks he has it, he's assuming. Probably based on a partner's diagnosis.


I have been reading a lot on HPV, some answers were difficult to grasp. I enlisted the help of a good friend of mine who is nurse, and also spoke to the guy. 

My friend said, that the method to test a man is through blood and rodding. 
@deidre you are absolutely right. I was going to hold off a conversation regarding his (man) medical condition, but your post send a reality dose down my spine. We spoke yesterday at length, I asked many questions and he answered all of them. He says it is HPV, I do believe him. He also said he is not contagious most of the time, except when he has a breakdown. 
I am planning on seeing my doctor and ask him about HPV. I trust the guy, but I must verify his information is factual. 
@Vega I also talked to him about the consequences of our feelings, which rationally, is too early. I am rule by emotions, he seems to be ruled by rational thinking. I told him that I needed time to developed a stronger bond with him, but could not promise anything. I also told him that I am not sure I will be able to accept that he has HPV. 
His response was that he understood my position and he is willing to wait for me because only time has the answer.

We are still talking and getting to know each other better. It is too early to say whether he will not accept my stance. I will also understand if he decides he does not wish to wait for me. I am optimistic, but also prepare for a not favorable outcome. 

I want to know him better. If I scared him because I said I want to wait until we both developed stronger than lust feelings, then he is not for me. Then, BYE FELICIA!

I feel we have good communications skills


----------



## WorkingOnMe

Not contagious most of the time? Except during a breakout? That sounds like HSV. Not HPV.


----------



## Cletus

WorkingOnMe said:


> Not contagious most of the time? Except during a breakout? That sounds like HSV. Not HPV.


Agreed. Are you sure you have your terms correct, OP? HPV typically clears on its own and does not present as outbreaks of any kind. I think you're confused.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk


----------



## Jayg14

ne9907 said:


> I met a guy online. We haven't met yet due to logistical reasons, I am away on a business trip. I will be going back home the first week of October.
> 
> We talk about a lot of things on the phone and also texting. Appears that he is also a sexual person like myself. Our mutual (cyber) attraction is strong and I feel comfortable talking with him.
> He actually told me he would like to wait to wait to have sex until we get to know each other better. His also says that he feels sex too soon complicates things. I agree.
> I am on the defensive because this man says what I am thinking. However, I believe his words.
> 
> What are your reasons for waiting to have sex?


IMO, this guy's on crack. I don't wait. I have it ASAP.


----------



## ne9907

WorkingOnMe said:


> Not contagious most of the time? Except during a breakout? That sounds like HSV. Not HPV.





Cletus said:


> Agreed. Are you sure you have your terms correct, OP? HPV typically clears on its own and does not present as outbreaks of any kind. I think you're confused.
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk


hmmm
He said HPV. On the other hand, what you are saying and what I read does indicate HSV.... ugh... Might have caught him in a lie. Especially if he has had the disease for a while. He would know.

I need to educate myself on STDs. I am stupidly ignorant and as sexually active person, I should not be.

Why would he think HPV is not as bad as HSV? I think HSV is the lesser of the both.


----------



## Cletus

ne9907 said:


> hmmm
> He said HPV. On the other hand, what you are saying and what I read does indicate HSV.... ugh... Might have caught him in a lie. Especially if he has had the disease for a while. He would know.
> 
> I need to educate myself on STDs. I am stupidly ignorant and as sexually active person, I should not be.
> 
> Why would he think HPV is not as bad as HSV? I think HSV is the lesser of the both.


In general, most would consider HPV the far lesser of the two. Most HPV strains do not cause either warts or cancer. Most clear from your body with no intervention. Most of us will get HPV at some point in our life. There is an effective vaccine that all children should get.

HSV is permanent. It causes periodic outbreaks of varying severity for most of the infected. It can be passed on to children during childbirth. It is not a death sentence, but typically more consequential. 

And yes, you MUST learn about these things if you intend to be sexually active.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk


----------



## wantshelp

ne9907 said:


> He said HPV. On the other hand, what you are saying and what I read does indicate HSV.... ugh... Might have caught him in a lie. Especially if he has had the disease for a while.
> 
> Why would he think HPV is not as bad as HSV? I think HSV is the lesser of the both.


Ok, let's talk STDs! I am no expert, but I think I have some advice to offer. First, it makes NO difference if he has HPV (Human Papilloma Virus), because there is a vaccine for it. Just get the Gardasil9 (or newer) vaccine and you are almost completely immune to most strains of HPV. And, even if you have been infected by previous partners, it still makes sense to get it to avoid infections with a new strain. HPV is a virus that permanently infects you. If it is transmitted to your vagina through vaginal sex, you are at a much higher risk of developing Cervical cancer. If it is transmitted through oral sex, you can get throat cancer. For men, HPV can lead to penile cancer. But, historically, the most common form was Cervical cancer, however, I would not be surprised if we see spikes in the next decade of throat cancer for both men and women caused by HPV because my feeling is oral sex happens more than it used to... Although the prevalence of the vaccine could dramatically lower these forms of cancer. Fingers crossed. 

Now, if it is HSV (Herpes Simplex Virus) that sucks. But, does he have the occasional cold sore on his lip or genital Herpes? Do you have cold sores? If you have cold sores, get yourself tested to see if you have the same type, then see some specialist STD expert to determine if your cold sores make you immune to his Herpes...


----------



## EllisRedding

ne9907 said:


> I need to educate myself on STDs. I am stupidly ignorant and as sexually active person, I should not be.


Hopefully it is not too late and this is enough for you to be way more proactive about having casual sex. This is a case where the less you know is not necessarily better.


----------



## ne9907

wantshelp said:


> .
> 
> Now, if it is HSV (Herpes Simplex Virus) that sucks. But, does he have the occasional cold sore on his lip or genital Herpes? Do you have cold sores? If you have cold sores, get yourself tested to see if you have the same type, then see some specialist STD expert to determine if your cold sores make you immune to his Herpes...


We have not have sex. We have not met yet. I do not have any cold sores. I keep my annual pap smear religiously because of maternal side ovarian cancer. My last check up was clean.

Thank you everyone for the information provided regarding STDs. I always wear protection, but as stated, condoms do not protect against everything.


----------



## Vega

ne9907 said:


> We have not have sex. We have not met yet. I do not have any cold sores. I keep my annual pap smear religiously because of maternal side ovarian cancer. My last check up was clean.
> 
> Thank you everyone for the information provided regarding STDs. I always wear protection, but as stated, condoms do not protect against everything.


Please be careful, ne. If he has HSV, it _can_ be spread _even if he doesn't have an outbreak_. 

Condoms can reduce your chances of getting the disease, but the disease can be fickle. Usually the outbreaks occur within a few inches of where the infection first entered the body. But once in a while, it can occur other places on the body. A man who has outbreaks at the base of his penis may suddenly have an outbreak on one of his butt cheeks. If you grab his butt during sex and he's just getting an outbreak that he doesn't know about, you can transfer the infection from his butt cheek to your hand, wipe your mouth with your hand, and transfer the infection to your lips. 

I'm thinking that you may need some more clarity on _exactly_ what he has: Either HPV, HSV or HIV and also how much he knows about his disorder. Whatever he tells you about it, CHECK OUT FOR YOURSELF. 

Just to reiterate once more ne, please be careful.


----------



## SunCMars

ne9907 said:


> This is a venue I had not thought about. As I said before, we have not met in person, only texting and phone conversation.
> 
> I am having so much fun getting to know him. In the past, I have had sex with men too quickly, therefore I am glad we have to wait for at least TWO more weeks (actually 3 weeks because he has his kid the weekend I am returning).
> 
> Our conversations are sexual, spiritual, routine, daily life, etc.
> If in the end I am more sexual than he is, I will be extremely disappointed. Perhaps I am making a big deal. Perhaps we will never meet.
> I simply feel we have a strong connection.
> 
> Have never felt such a strong spiritual connection with a man before, not for lack of trying either haha! I have been around the block a time or two


Uh, because that is what YOU want to hear. He does not want to scare you off. He wants in your pants badly, but like a Praying Mantis can hold steady as long as necessary.

Some men, when going butterfly hunting, have perfected the art of "Netting", lest not ONE shall escape the final swoop and bagging. The hunt and the final mounting of each "Painted" lady in his collection is worth the wait.

"A Good One Got Away" shall never pass his lips.

Beware the Flame........thou art a Fluttering Heat Seeker!

Good luck, Dear.


----------



## notmyrealname4

Men who are self conscious about their penis size, or their sexual performance; may want to wait longer until they have sex.

They want to be sure they are with a woman who won't ridicule them or their body.

Just a possibility, may not be your guys issue at all.


----------



## lisa.tubbs

What about dating 2 years, married since March and still no sex?

Sent from my SM-G900T1 using Tapatalk


----------



## lisa.tubbs

uhtred said:


> Some men realize that sex can addle their brains and make them fall for someone who is really inappropriate It may give then a feeling of commitment that they don't want yet.
> 
> But, some men actually don't want much sex and find reasons to avoid it.
> 
> 
> Its important to understand his reasons.


How do you find out those reasons when he won't communicate?

Sent from my SM-G900T1 using Tapatalk


----------



## Vega

lisa.tubbs said:


> What about dating 2 years, married since March and still no sex?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G900T1 using Tapatalk


Married since March and no sex?!

What does he say the reason is when you ask him?


----------



## lisa.tubbs

He pouts

Sent from my SM-G900T1 using Tapatalk


----------



## Vega

lisa.tubbs said:


> He pouts
> 
> Sent from my SM-G900T1 using Tapatalk


If he hasn't had sex with you since March, and he won't tell you why, you only have a few choices:

1. Have an affair (not recommended)
2. Live in a sexless marriage for the rest of your life
3. Divorce/annulment

Sorry, but you really don't have many options. Even if you ask him to go to counseling, he MAY go. But if he doesn't (and I suspect he won't), you really don't have many options.


----------



## uhtred

Unfortunately that is a different problem. 

The best you can do is make sure that he feels free to communicate. Its on him to do so. 





lisa.tubbs said:


> How do you find out those reasons when he won't communicate?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G900T1 using Tapatalk


----------



## lisa.tubbs

Maybe telling him he was gay, didn't help :-/

Sent from my SM-G900T1 using Tapatalk


----------



## lisa.tubbs

He said last night he would go. 

Sent from my SM-G900T1 using Tapatalk


----------



## uhtred

It is tricky. Its easy to say that you want your partner to communicate, but some of the things that they migth say, you really don't want to hear: "I'm no longer attracted to you", "you are terrible in bed", 

Others are not as hurtful, but still spell doom for the relationship: "I'm gay", "I've never liked sex", " can't enjoy sex without [weird fetish]", 

People talk about communication but what to do when what your partner communicates is really bad?




lisa.tubbs said:


> Maybe telling him he was gay, didn't help :-/
> 
> Sent from my SM-G900T1 using Tapatalk


----------



## GreyEcho

when I felt comfortable with the person


----------



## lisa.tubbs

uhtred said:


> It is tricky. Its easy to say that you want your partner to communicate, but some of the things that they migth say, you really don't want to hear: "I'm no longer attracted to you", "you are terrible in bed",
> 
> Others are not as hurtful, but still spell doom for the relationship: "I'm gay", "I've never liked sex", " can't enjoy sex without [weird fetish]",
> 
> People talk about communication but what to do when what your partner communicates is really bad?


Thanks for your opinion, I really need some helpful advice. Maybe I am correct on my thinking? He has nothing bad to think, say or feel about me. I was quite clear on what I needed from a relationship, he agreed that is why I married him. I've put 20,000 into his house, I do everything for us. All I ask from him is a little affection so we can get that part (Intimacy)that we lack in our marriage. I feel like I live with a friend. Oh well, marriage is lame..

Sent from my SM-G900T1 using Tapatalk


----------



## uhtred

Marriage can be very good - but not always.

He could be gay, but he could also just be very low libido. You will find a bunch of threads here on LD/HD (low desire, high desire) relationships, most of them are miserable.

My wife very rarely wants sex. She is not a lesbian, and I am not hideous in some way - she just doesn't want sex and is nearly asexual. There are both men and women like that. 

I'm afraid you are left with "leave", "cheat", "live like a nun". 

I chose to stay in my marriage, but I don't know that I would recommend that choice to anyone else. 

You have my sympathy, even if I can't provide any useful advice. 



lisa.tubbs said:


> Thanks for your opinion, I really need some helpful advice. Maybe I am correct on my thinking? He has nothing bad to think, say or feel about me. I was quite clear on what I needed from a relationship, he agreed that is why I married him. I've put 20,000 into his house, I do everything for us. All I ask from him is a little affection so we can get that part (Intimacy)that we lack in our marriage. I feel like I live with a friend. Oh well, marriage is lame..
> 
> Sent from my SM-G900T1 using Tapatalk


----------



## ne9907

Vega said:


> Please be careful, ne. If he has HSV, it _can_ be spread _even if he doesn't have an outbreak_.
> 
> Condoms can reduce your chances of getting the disease, but the disease can be fickle. Usually the outbreaks occur within a few inches of where the infection first entered the body. But once in a while, it can occur other places on the body. A man who has outbreaks at the base of his penis may suddenly have an outbreak on one of his butt cheeks. If you grab his butt during sex and he's just getting an outbreak that he doesn't know about, you can transfer the infection from his butt cheek to your hand, wipe your mouth with your hand, and transfer the infection to your lips.
> 
> I'm thinking that you may need some more clarity on _exactly_ what he has: Either HPV, HSV or HIV and also how much he knows about his disorder. Whatever he tells you about it, CHECK OUT FOR YOURSELF.
> 
> Just to reiterate once more ne, please be careful.


I will be careful. He actually has said some things that are turning me off a bit. We shall see. Still about 1.5 weeks before we meet in person for the first time... I am definitely losing the luster I felt when we first began talking 



SunCMars said:


> Uh, because that is what YOU want to hear. He does not want to scare you off. He wants in your pants badly, but like a Praying Mantis can hold steady as long as necessary.
> 
> Some men, when going butterfly hunting, have perfected the art of "Netting", lest not ONE shall escape the final swoop and bagging. The hunt and the final mounting of each "Painted" lady in his collection is worth the wait.
> 
> "A Good One Got Away" shall never pass his lips.
> 
> Beware the Flame........thou art a Fluttering Heat Seeker!
> 
> Good luck, Dear.


I do not wish to believe this statement, but I will keep it in mind as I navigate the first meeting with him. I do know, I will not just jump in the sack with him. As I mentioned before the luster is wearing off. 

Thank you all for your great advice


----------



## ne9907

Update! 
I am back home, been three very busy weeks~

Sometime last week he went out on a date with a childhood friend. This event bothered me because he had previously said he was not dating anyone, nor wanted to date anyone until we met. So obviously, this was a breach in our verbal agreement. 

I voiced this to him, he agreed, he said he was sorry and disappointed in himself. We are not longer talking with the goal of dating. We have actually exchanged a couple of texts here and there. He asks about my day, etc. Normal stuff. I do need more friends (I recently moved to the area). He is a cool person and might eventually meet him for drinks, as friends only.


----------



## NothingsOriginal

ne9907 said:


> As I said before, we have not met in person, only texting and phone conversation.


Sorry, but I smell a Catfish.


----------



## CuddleBug

ne9907 said:


> I met a guy online. We haven't met yet due to logistical reasons, I am away on a business trip. I will be going back home the first week of October.
> 
> We talk about a lot of things on the phone and also texting. Appears that he is also a sexual person like myself. Our mutual (cyber) attraction is strong and I feel comfortable talking with him.
> He actually told me he would like to wait to wait to have sex until we get to know each other better. His also says that he feels sex too soon complicates things. I agree.
> I am on the defensive because this man says what I am thinking. However, I believe his words.
> 
> What are your reasons for waiting to have sex?




For myself, I don't make the move for sex when first dating because I want to be a gentleman and not mainly in it for the sex.

Get to know her, do things together, and realize this isn't a short term fling or friend with benefits and nothing else.

I let the woman make the first move for sex and then after that, I take the initiative.

I wouldn't want to be seen as I'm only using her for sex.


----------



## bandit.45

ne9907 said:


> Update!
> I am back home, been three very busy weeks~
> 
> Sometime last week he went out on a date with a childhood friend. This event bothered me because he had previously said he was not dating anyone, nor wanted to date anyone until we met. So obviously, this was a breach in our verbal agreement.
> 
> I voiced this to him, he agreed, he said he was sorry and disappointed in himself. We are not longer talking with the goal of dating. We have actually exchanged a couple of texts here and there. He asks about my day, etc. Normal stuff. I do need more friends (I recently moved to the area). He is a cool person and might eventually meet him for drinks, as friends only.


Your Flake-O-Meter was working well and you knew he was playing you before you two ever met. You held back, you bid your time, and he showed his true colors.

I wouldn't meet him if I were you. Why would you want a friend like that?


----------



## bandit.45

CuddleBug said:


> For myself, I don't make the move for sex when first dating because I want to be a gentleman and not mainly in it for the sex.
> 
> Get to know her, do things together, and realize this isn't a short term fling or friend with benefits and nothing else.
> 
> I let the woman make the first move for sex and then after that, I take the initiative.
> 
> I wouldn't want to be seen as I'm only using her for sex.


This is kind of the way I am. 

I've had one ONS and it was not satisfying at all. Part of the pleasure is slowly seducing a woman over time and getting to know her intimately. Then, she will get to where she can't take it anymore and she jumps on you like an orca chomping a harbor seal.


----------



## ne9907

bandit.45 said:


> .
> 
> I wouldn't meet him if I were you. Why would you want a friend like that?


I need someone to babysit my cat when I travel!!! 

I know this is an excuse, as I can board her in a cat hotel (I am sure they exist)

You are absolutely right. I travel a lot, and do not have time to worry about a man being faithful or not. This was a long shot. I am hopeful one day I shall find someone, if not, I already have a cat


----------



## bandit.45

ne9907 said:


> I need someone to babysit my cat when I travel!!!
> 
> I know this is an excuse, as I can board her in a cat hotel (I am sure they exist)
> 
> You are absolutely right. I travel a lot, and do not have time to worry about a man being faithful or not. This was a long shot. I am hopeful one day I shall find someone, if not, I already have a cat


You will. Get out, meet people, be friendly, and I guarantee you will catch a good man's eye before long.


----------



## ne9907

bandit.45 said:


> You will. Get out, meet people, be friendly, and I guarantee you will catch a good man's eye before long.


ewww.... people...!!! haha
I kinda dislike people A LOT! But, appreciate individuals


----------



## bandit.45

ne9907 said:


> ewww.... people...!!! haha
> I kinda dislike people A LOT! But, appreciate individuals


Yeah you're the same as me.


----------



## Bananapeel

ne9907 said:


> Update!
> I am back home, been three very busy weeks~
> 
> Sometime last week he went out on a date with a childhood friend. This event bothered me because he had previously said he was not dating anyone, nor wanted to date anyone until we met. So obviously, this was a breach in our verbal agreement.
> 
> I voiced this to him, he agreed, he said he was sorry and disappointed in himself. We are not longer talking with the goal of dating. We have actually exchanged a couple of texts here and there. He asks about my day, etc. Normal stuff. I do need more friends (I recently moved to the area). He is a cool person and might eventually meet him for drinks, as friends only.


Don't you think it's a bit premature to care about exclusivity if you hadn't even gone on a single date with him yet? I personally think you used this as an excuse to put the brakes on and not pursue a relationship with him. Not that there is anything wrong with that. You can change your mind about dating someone anytime you want.


----------



## ne9907

Bananapeel said:


> Don't you think it's a bit premature to care about exclusivity if you hadn't even gone on a single date with him yet? *I personally think you used this as an excuse to put the brakes on and not pursue a relationship with him*. Not that there is anything wrong with that. You can change your mind about dating someone anytime you want.


Update: I went out on two dates with him. First one was last Sunday. 
We went out for coffee and talked for a while.
Then yesterday, we went out to a park and played guitar. 

He actually mentioned something along the lines of what you quote @Bananapeel, he felt I am whimsical about dating him, but he doesn't mind (?)

I find we have good chemistry and "click" in person. Not much *sexual* chemistry though, however I enjoy his company a lot. 

We shall see... still no sex yet

EDIT: he gifted me a book on our first date. I had mentioned to him that I haven't had time to shop for this particular book and he got it for me. He does live in the city, so visiting a book store during his lunch break is easier for him.


----------



## Bananapeel

Him not caring about you being whimsical is probably because he has other options and isn't worrying about a relationship before it actually develops. I'm guessing he's a pretty confident and mature guy.


----------



## ne9907

Bananapeel said:


> Him not caring about you being whimsical is probably because he has other options and isn't worrying about a relationship before it actually develops. I'm guessing he's a pretty confident and mature guy.


he appears to be.

I always try to look at the positive side of situations. I am glad to have met him because he is teaching me that even with an incurable disease (STD) a person has options and should not settle for just anyone.
I have settled in the past.


----------

