# If you want a baby, and your wife can't produce...



## firebelly (May 24, 2012)

My stbxh and I had been trying to have a baby for a few years. I had my tubes tied before he and I got married and so we tried a few things. When invitro didn't work, I went through surgery to get my tubal reversed. I went on fertility meds. In the end, it didn't work. I was never able to get pregnant. He initiated a divorce a couple of months ago and said the reason is that he really wants a biological child. I guess I get that. 

What I don't get is that after invitro failed, he lost interest in me sexually. I went through the surgery to get my tubes reversed and went on fertility medication, but he would only have sex with me once a month. It doesn't make sense to me that a man who really wants a baby wouldn't be having sex with his wife every damn day. But it was like pulling teeth. And let me be really clear - it was HIM who wanted the baby. 

I was reading on another thread about whether men like to see their wives naked. Some of the men said that seeing their wives bodies after child birth has this primal attraction for them - this is the woman that birthed their child. I wonder if the reverse happened here. 

When I was about to get the fertlized eggs implanted in my uterus, the nurse brought out a photo of the eggs. My husband wept and kissed the image of each of those eggs. Do you think that the failure of the invitro just made him lose hope? Any thoughts are welcome.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

No idea but (hugs)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## firebelly (May 24, 2012)

livelaughlovenow said:


> No idea but (hugs)
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks Live. If you've seen any of my other posts you might know our story is more complicated than this, but when you're in the middle of a divorce I think you spend a lot of time wondering why and what went wrong.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

He was aware you had a tubal before marriage?


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## firebelly (May 24, 2012)

pidge70 said:


> He was aware you had a tubal before marriage?


Yes - and when we got married, he thought that he loved me enough to stay even if we weren't able to have a child, but as the marriage progressed, his desire for a child grew. Grew beyond the marriage, apparently.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I'm so sorry. He knew the odds of the two of you having a child were slim to none. I don't understand why he would marry someone if he knew that there was the slightest chance he would change his mind. (((HUGS)))


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Is he seeing anyone else? Sounds like a stupid excuse (when he knew it was slim chances you could have children)...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He could be just using this as an excuse. 

When the urge to have children hits, it can make a person act nuts. Men go through it too.


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## firebelly (May 24, 2012)

He is seeing someone named Mary Jane. He's got a pretty bad marijuana addiction. He was smoking SPICE when I was on fertility meds and I didn't know it. He masturbates to porn way more often than we ever had sex. But, not having an affair with another woman. I think that would be too much effort on his part.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

firebelly said:


> He is seeing someone named Mary Jane. He's got a pretty bad marijuana addiction. He was smoking SPICE when I was on fertility meds and I didn't know it. He masturbates to porn way more often than we ever had sex. But, not having an affair with another woman. I think that would be too much effort on his part.


He's seeing Mary Jane but not having an affair? Really? Sounds like he's having at least an emotional affair. How do you know he's not having sex with her?

He has her in the wings to replace you as his child factory.

Sounds to me like you are not losing much in divorcing him.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> He's seeing Mary Jane but not having an affair? Really? Sounds like he's having at least an emotional affair. How do you know he's not having sex with her?
> 
> He has her in the wings to replace you as his child factory.
> 
> Sounds to me like you are not losing much in divorcing him.


Mary Jane is slang for marijuana.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Odd, I`ve heard of women losing sexual interest in their husbands when they`ve had a vasectomy but never heard of the reverse.

It sounds to me OP like somewhere along the way you became little more than a baby making machine for him and when that didn`t pan out he bailed.

I understand his desire but you said this was discussed prior to marriage and he was ok.

I also know people change and that sometimes sucks.

I`m sorry your in this position OP.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> Mary Jane is slang for marijuana.


DUH :scratchhead:

Guess I's slow on the up-take today. :rofl:


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

firebelly said:


> He is seeing someone named Mary Jane. He's got a pretty bad marijuana addiction. He was smoking SPICE when I was on fertility meds and I didn't know it. He masturbates to porn way more often than we ever had sex. But, not having an affair with another woman. I think that would be too much effort on his part.


With all of that in his system, he could be shooting blanks. 
Considering all of this, I do believe that fate was doing you a favor with your inability to conceive.
Think about this a moment, would you really want to have a child with the person you posted about above, setting aside that you love him, do you really think he would make the ideal father? 
He's extrememly selfish & those types of people usually make the worst parents.

I hope that someday you are able to look back at this with a sigh of relief that you got away when you did.
You may even have a child in the future, whether naturally or through adoption & even if you don't, please know that you are just as worthy as a woman who was able to conceive. 
Your STBXH is too self absorbed to realize what a fool he is.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Could totally be shooting blanks or slow swimmers.

My husband and I got pregnant the month he quit smoking cigarettes...lol his sperm woke up! :lol:

My friend and her husband couldn't get pregnant their 3 year marriage...it was frustrating and they grew very far apart. But, she's 24 weeks pregnant now  and closer than ever. 

I tihnk when the drive is high and the outcome is disappointing, it drives a wedge in between a couple...

Drugs and porn, in your case, do not help.

Maybe he's feeling like a failure, EVEN THOUGH, it would not be his fault if your reversal didn't work.

Has his sperm been checked? Are your tubes working?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Could totally be shooting blanks or slow swimmers.
> 
> My husband and I got pregnant the month he quit smoking cigarettes...lol his sperm woke up! :lol:


Yea, those little swimmers finally got some oxygen. Makes a big difference for sure.


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## firebelly (May 24, 2012)

Phenix70 said:


> With all of that in his system, he could be shooting blanks.
> Considering all of this, I do believe that fate was doing you a favor with your inability to conceive.
> Think about this a moment, would you really want to have a child with the person you posted about above, setting aside that you love him, do you really think he would make the ideal father?
> He's extrememly selfish & those types of people usually make the worst parents.
> ...


Oh...I do feel relieved. I became less and less willing to have a baby with him because of his behavior and do feel like I"ve dodged a bullet here. I have three kids from my first marriage and don't want to have more. I realize more and more that I was really only trying for his sake - to keep the marriage together. Which was stupid on my part too. 

I think what am trying to figure out here is whether I am sexually desirable and if I will be to another man in the future. At the very heart of it, that is my insecurity. Did he really stop having sex with me because I have a big butt? He says no - more cushion for the pushin' - direct quote. But, not much pushin' going on.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You will be sexy to someone else for sure.

My ex didn't like sex with me because I gained weight. LOL! The nerve.

Oh well...no one else EVER complained and my husband LOVES my butt  and my boobs, and my little belly.

Just because ONE man has a weird hang up on sex, or isn't attracted to you, doesn't mean they all will be.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

firebelly said:


> Oh...I do feel relieved. I became less and less willing to have a baby with him because of his behavior and do feel like I"ve dodged a bullet here. I have three kids from my first marriage and don't want to have more. I realize more and more that I was really only trying for his sake - to keep the marriage together. Which was stupid on my part too.
> 
> *I think what am trying to figure out here is whether I am sexually desirable and if I will be to another man in the future.* At the very heart of it, that is my insecurity. Did he really stop having sex with me because I have a big butt? He says no - more cushion for the pushin' - direct quote. But, not much pushin' going on.


Of course you're desirable, you're a woman! 
Please, please, please don't think you will not find another man, I warrant a guess that you will do just that when the time is right for you.
I think he's not having sex with you because of the MJ & the porn, there's just not enough of him to go around.
Don't let his issues become yours.
Be proud that your body gave life to 3 children, that's a beautiful thing.
Not knowing more of your story, just what I've read here, your STBXH sounds like an overgrown frat boy, who never grew up.


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## WhoHaveIBecome (Mar 9, 2012)

A lot of people don't realize that men have the same drive or desire for a child. Your husband decided that it was important for him and when you couldn't give him that he decided that a child was more important than you. That is the cold truth. 

Maybe its for the best. Be happy he is being upfront and honest with you. He filed for divorce and gave you an honest reason. It could have been worse. Read some of my threads if you want to know the wrong thing to do. I wish I would have had the courage your husband had to move forward with a divorce.


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## firebelly (May 24, 2012)

WhoHaveIBecome said:


> A lot of people don't realize that men have the same drive or desire for a child. Your husband decided that it was important for him and when you couldn't give him that he decided that a child was more important than you. That is the cold truth.
> 
> Maybe its for the best. Be happy he is being upfront and honest with you. He filed for divorce and gave you an honest reason. It could have been worse. Read some of my threads if you want to know the wrong thing to do. I wish I would have had the courage your husband had to move forward with a divorce.


I see that. Both of us were trying to be something for the other person instead of being authentically ourselves. The marriage might not have happened if we had done that from the beginning, but live and learn.


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## firebelly (May 24, 2012)

Phenix70 said:


> there's just not enough of him to go around.
> 
> That makes total sense.
> 
> Not knowing more of your story, just what I've read here, your STBXH sounds like an overgrown frat boy, who never grew up.


He has been self-medicating with pot since he was a teenager. I think he just never matured emotionally because of it.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Firebelly, this is so sad...Big hugs to you.


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## firebelly (May 24, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Firebelly, this is so sad...Big hugs to you.


Thank you lamaga. We women tend to be insecure about our bodies enough without also being rejected 'cause we can't produce off-spring. It was like a big punch to the gut. 

But yay - no more kids! My oldest is 20, my youngest is 15. Pretty soon I will be FREE! And I won't have to change any diapers, or lose sleep, or potty train, or....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

firebelly said:


> Thank you lamaga. We women tend to be insecure about our bodies enough without also being rejected 'cause we can't produce off-spring. It was like a big punch to the gut.
> 
> But yay - no more kids! My oldest is 20, my youngest is 15. Pretty soon I will be FREE! And I won't have to change any diapers, or lose sleep, or potty train, or....


But you had your tubal thingy reversed. Now what?


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## firebelly (May 24, 2012)

Yeah...because of my age (42) and the type of tubal ligation I went through (cauterizing) there was very little tube left to sew back together. Our chances of getting pregnant after the reversal were only ever going to be about 12%. Then we were battling low progesterone levels (mine.) Just to be sure I will probably have to use birth control - but worth it! Maybe I'll meet a guy that's had a vasectomy and I won't have to worry about it. I'll put that on my SECRET wish list.


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