# Quit Affair Cold Turkey 7 Days Ago



## sunnyrain (Apr 8, 2017)

Need a distraction. Any takers?


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

you might be in the wrong forum.

Maybe you are looking for the OM/OW section of loveshack.

Sorry, but maybe I misunderstood your post.


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

What the.................:scratchhead:


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## sunnyrain (Apr 8, 2017)

I read the forum guidelines before posting, it said the wayward spouse was welcome to post. Not true? Just looking for help.


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

Are you trying to reconcile? If so... that should be enough work to distract you.


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## sunnyrain (Apr 8, 2017)

Yes, repairing the marriage. I don't really consider rebuilding the marriage a distraction from the affair. In some ways, it reminds me of the affair. 

Also, if repairing the marriage was enough of a distraction for those dealing with an affair, why so many here discussing their own situation? 

Maybe "distract" was a poor choice of words. I did not mean to get started off on the wrong foot. By distraction, I meant that I would like to take my mind off the affair, establish a safe place to visit each night to share thoughts. A place where I can check-in and keep myself accountable. Away from standard social media sites that are no longer safe.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

I do wish you well.


It is hard to help without details.

Some posters know more about the rules like Ele girl.

One place that I read is affair recovery.com.

some of the articles help me with the situation.

if you need someone to help you keep up N/C do you have a family member that could be helpful, like a sister or a mother?

Good luck to you and yours with trying to overcome your situation.


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## sunnyrain (Apr 8, 2017)

Thank you, harrybrown. As to details, nothing fancy here. Girl meets old high school boyfriend on Facebook. Stupid and totally lacking in originality. Banal.


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## DepressedDiva (Mar 23, 2017)

sunnyrain said:


> I read the forum guidelines before posting, it said the wayward spouse was welcome to post. Not true? Just looking for help.


Yes wayward spouse's are allowed to post but you will get alot of 'tough love' here.

I personally don't understand why wayward spouses need a 'distraction'. Maybe that's the problem, too much time on your hands....


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## sunnyrain (Apr 8, 2017)

Distraction as a Coping Strategy (Encyclopedia of Behavioral Medicine)

"Distraction refers to a classification of coping strategies that are employed to divert attention away from a stressor and toward other thoughts or behaviors that are unrelated to the stressor. In both adult and pediatric populations, distraction (for example, focusing on an external object or imagining a peaceful place) may be used to deal with pain and discomfort during medical procedures. Other examples of distraction include daydreaming or engaging in substitute activities to keep one’s mind from ongoing stressors related to a chronic illness. There are many ways to group coping strategies together. For instance, distraction has been considered a type of emotion-focused coping (Lazarus and Folkman, 1984), which involves minimizing the emotional distress related to a stressor. Distraction has also been categorized as passive coping, a type of coping that has been associated with helplessness ... "


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

sunnyrain said:


> Thank you, harrybrown. As to details, nothing fancy here. Girl meets old high school boyfriend on Facebook. Stupid and totally lacking in originality. Banal.


Perhaps you could share exactly how you are working on fixing yourself and your marriage. Although your affair may have been "banal" to you, it was kick in the nuts for your husband. Are you seeing a counselor to figure out why your boundaries are so poor? What ways are you making yourself a better, safer wife for your husband? 

Perhaps if you give us your story, including how your husband found out, we could help more. 

The CWI section isn't for chit chat to get your mind off of an affair. That would be the off topic section. The CWI section is for working through problems related to an affair. Without knowing your situation, we simply can't offer much guidance. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

sunnyrain said:


> Distraction as a Coping Strategy (Encyclopedia of Behavioral Medicine)
> 
> "Distraction refers to a classification of coping strategies that are employed to divert attention away from a stressor and toward other thoughts or behaviors that are unrelated to the stressor. In both adult and pediatric populations, distraction (for example, focusing on an external object or imagining a peaceful place) may be used to deal with pain and discomfort during medical procedures. Other examples of distraction include daydreaming or engaging in substitute activities to keep one’s mind from ongoing stressors related to a chronic illness. There are many ways to group coping strategies together. For instance, distraction has been considered a type of emotion-focused coping (Lazarus and Folkman, 1984), which involves minimizing the emotional distress related to a stressor. Distraction has also been categorized as passive coping, a type of coping that has been associated with helplessness ... "


CWI translation: rug sweeping

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Welcome to the forums 

Are there areas in yourself that you feel need to be worked on? I ask that, because a lot of wayward spouses seem to think that the marriage was the main reason they cheated, but I don't think that's true.


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## sunnyrain (Apr 8, 2017)

Hubs and I have been seeing a counselor for years. He cheated first. In some ways, he blames himself for my affair. I don't consider my affair a result of his affair. However, I do think I lost respect and love for him after his affair. Now, I've lost respect and love for myself. 

We are doing what most couples do after finding out about an affair... crying, screaming, storming out on each other, threatening, making-up, apologizing. wash, rinse, repeat.

Problems? I'm boring, critical, and have anxiety issues. He's an over-achiever and likes to be told how great he is. Neither of us does a very good job of building each other up. We've called a truce. Moving forward, with the blessing of our therapist.

BTW, I don't consider cognitive behavioral therapy to be rug-sweeping. Distraction can most definitely be a positive coping strategy for individuals suffering with anxiety and OCD tendencies. Though, I can see how someone unfamiliar with the practice could potentially view it as rug-sweeping.


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## sunnyrain (Apr 8, 2017)

Hi Deidre! Yes, I need to work on my attitude. I'm unfriendly, bitter, depressed, and angry. I need to volunteer. I need to smile. I should probably go hug a puppy.


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

sunnyrain said:


> I should probably go hug a puppy.


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/social-spot/372682-dog-lovers.html


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

Hello, my dear. I'm sorry to hear of your situation. How are you coping? It's never easy to break up with someone you care for, even if the relationship is illegitimate. If you're having trouble with keeping away from your paramour, or with not seeking out a replacement for your lover, perhaps the AKERU technique could work for you. I recently bought a workbook called "The Abandonment Recovery Workbook: Guidance through the Five Stages of Healing from Abandonment, Heartbreak, and Loss" and I think it would be perfect for wayward spouses such as yourself. The author wrote is for both wayward spouses (cheaters) and betrayed spouses (those who have been cheated on) and I find it works seamlessly for both. It might help you if you're feeling like you can't survive or be happy without your love interest. You can get it on Amazon.

Another thing to keep in mind is that as much as other people in your life, and even your own mind, will try to make you feel worthless for having cheated on your spouse, you aren't worthless. You did a terrible thing, but you are NOT a terrible person, and that's an important distinction to make. Please consider reading the following article I wrote several weeks back. I think it will do you good, if I do say so myself.



> *So, you’ve had an affair. * You’ve ended it, and have either confessed to your betrayed partner or been caught. The truth is out. It’s early on, only a few weeks out from D-day, and you’ve been reading, posting, and studying everything you can get your hands on about how to help your Betrayed Spouse heal from your affair. There are thousands of books for Betrayed Spouses about surviving their partner’s selfish decision to be unfaithful. There are dozens of books written to Wayward Spouses about what their broken-hearted, shattered, traumatized Betrayed Spouse needs from them right now. You know they need you. You know you’ve done a horrible thing and that you have to change. The following advice will assume you’ve already read these articles.
> 
> In my search through half a dozen books, hundreds of articles, and thousands of forum posts on multiple websites dedicated to recovering from infidelity, I noticed that something was missing. There was a wealth of good advice on how to comfort your Betrayed Spouse, but very little on how to comfort yourself. So many Wayward Spouses, whilst trying to navigate the mess they made, find themselves biting their tongues in a herculean effort not to wail, “But what about ME?!! This hurts ME too, you know!!”
> 
> ...


Another thing: If you're feeling truly lost, down in the dumps, desolate, miserable, and like you genuinely have no idea how to keep yourself breathing, I made something on photoshop to help with that. I originally made it for myself for when I was so consumed with self-loathing that I couldn't think straight, but I figured WSes can use it too. You can print them out, or save them to your computer for reference. Enjoy.


















I really hope you can get some use out of these resources, and I hope you find healing, comfort, and compassion here. Please remember that you are not a bad person; you just made a bad decision. You deserve all the love, care, and support in the world, and it's okay if the only person who can give it to you is you yourself.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

P ppl


sunnyrain said:


> Hubs and I have been seeing a counselor for years. He cheated first. In some ways, he blames himself for my affair. I don't consider my affair a result of his affair. However, I do think I lost respect and love for him after his affair. Now, I've lost respect and love for myself.
> .


Why don't we start with the above part of your post.

By years in therapy., how many years exactly and what type of counciling were you and husband having? How many sessions a year?

How long were you married when your husband had the affair? Why did he do it and did he confess or was he caught?

Do you guys have kids and what are their ages?

How long after he cheated did you cheat? Did you confess or were you caught? 

You say cold turkey lIke addict speak. Are you addicted to your AP? Can you explain how he makes you feel that risks you going back to him to get your next fix?

Why did you cheat instead of simply ending your current marriage to freely pursue a different love interest?

Welcome to the forum. Hopefully we can help with your sitch.


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## sunnyrain (Apr 8, 2017)

I find the page load time and incessant ads to be more than I can handle. Millennials, right? Ciao!


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Anotherone bites the dust


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

If a couple is spending years in therapy and still problematic. They are doomed. Time to go their own way.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

... I hope she's coming back... 

Was I too generic in my advice?


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> ... I hope she's coming back...


Probably not with this username:grin2:


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Alcohol helps


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sunnyrain said:


> Need a distraction. Any takers?


 @sunnyrain

Continued counselling for you and your spouse?

I have been where you are.

It's not easy.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> Alcohol helps


It doesn't.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> It doesn't.




Well it did for me.


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

I have an another older iPad that you can't put on Adblock. My goodness if I mistakenly open this site with that iPad... it's insane! I think it's a shame that it has come to this.

Adding: I can't navigate or browse without it reloading, so I'd never try to get help as buggy as this site is. I hope they fix it for future users.


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## musicftw07 (Jun 23, 2016)

harrybrown said:


> you might be in the wrong forum.
> 
> Maybe you are looking for the OM/OW section of loveshack.
> 
> Sorry, but maybe I misunderstood your post.


I understand the sentiment, but stay as far away from the OM/OW section of LoveShack as you possibly can. It is the absolute worst example of a human cesspool that ever existed.

Best of luck, OP.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> It doesn't.




I meant in dealing with the amount of ads on this site and the slow loading.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

It's a pity Sunny Rain has gone to Spain....... sigh

Anyway, if you do come back SR, Ella's advice seems useful. However from reading between the lines and your reaction to the page and ads, it seems you lack perserverence, in life one cannot flit from place to place looking for solutions and quick fixes. You can get all the advice in the world and from all sorts of sources, but if you are not able to or unwilling to then you should let each other go and move on. However, I suspect you haven't dealt with the pain of your H original affair and are simply trying to paper over the cracks, you cannot run away from it, you have to face it head on with or without your WH. Then you have to see why you responded the way you did.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

I feel sorry for her husband.


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