# Fantasies...



## AlbinoLion (Mar 16, 2015)

I've been married for 11 years now, together for a total of 12. Frankly, our sex life typically has me wanting even after being together for a decade. In the beginning, she complained about our sex life, although I've never had ANYONE else complain about it as a bachelor. I decided to step out of the box and have purchased sex toys and incorporated them into our sex life. My thinking was that if I treat each time as though it was my last time, she'd want it more because I've really put my all into it. 

Well, although she's made numerous remarks over the years about our sex life improving, my strategy hasn't worked. It's kinda crazy here because I feel like I'm always doing all of the work and I don't remember it being that way when I was single. About 8 years ago a trusted female that I typically poured my soul out to on a regular basis suggested that I inquire about my S fantasy or fantasies and act them out. Over the years I have inquired about her fantasies and I get the same answer each time, "I don't have any fantasies." Then I ask her well, would you like to try something different? Her response is, "Something different like what?" Following by, "Nope, I'm good with what we have." The problem is, I'm not! I've attempted the direct approach, hint around about it, bring flowers home, and the only thing that seems to be going for me is when I run her a hot bath and rub her down with oils afterward.

Shouldn't there be another way than the royal bath and hot oil treatment? I think we all fantasize about something and am curious about what's in her head. Wondering whether or not she's afraid to share because she thinks I'll up and run...


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Do you think she is happy with the way your sex life is now?


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Those complaints should be specific. Exactly what does she complain about?


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

AlbinoLion said:


> I've been married for 11 years now, together for a total of 12. Frankly, our sex life typically has me wanting even after being together for a decade. In the beginning, she complained about our sex life, although I've never had ANYONE else complain about it as a bachelor. I decided to step out of the box and have purchased sex toys and incorporated them into our sex life. My thinking was that if I treat each time as though it was my last time, she'd want it more because I've really put my all into it.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Sounds like your wife’s libido may be down. It could be due to many things (hormones, stress, not as attracted to you etc). Maybe best to find out what it is.
What was her complaint re your sex life in the past?

I’m not sure trying it to give ‘the best performance’ is the solution here; for someone who doesn’t really enjoy sexual encounters that much, it will just be annoying (and she will feel you are enjoying yourself too much).

Is she on any BC? What is it?


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

I never wanted to tell partners my fantasies. I just want them done to me.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

JustTheWife said:


> I never wanted to tell partners my fantasies. I just want them done to me.



The obvious question is: how would they know which fantasies to do to you if they have no clue what they are?
Or do you mean just guys doing things to you and they become your fantasies too?

Which comes first: your fantasies or the stuff the guys do to you? Another way of putting it: have you had sexual fantasies before you had sex/while you were still a virgin?

The infamous chicken or egg questions...


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

She doesn't want to share what her fantasies are because they probably do not include you.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

inmyprime said:


> The obvious question is: how would they know which fantasies to do to you if they have no clue what they are?
> Or do you mean just guys doing things to you and they become your fantasies too?
> 
> Which comes first: your fantasies or the stuff the guys do to you? Another way of putting it: have you had sexual fantasies before you had sex/while you were still a virgin?
> ...


Both. I have all kinds of fantasies - some related to things guys have done to me, some that I just have in my head and i'm sure some have been influenced by things done.

You're right that guys might not have any way of knowing. Well I guess that's what made it more exciting. Far more exciting when they figure it out and just do it or maybe they have a similar liking or maybe they just want to see how far I will go.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

JustTheWife said:


> Both. I have all kinds of fantasies - some related to things guys have done to me, some that I just have in my head and i'm sure some have been influenced by things done.
> 
> 
> 
> You're right that guys might not have any way of knowing. Well I guess that's what made it more exciting. Far more exciting when they figure it out and just do it or maybe they have a similar liking or maybe they just want to see how far I will go.




Yes I thought so. That’s the reason why I try to always vary things and vary the fantasies and things that I want to do to her...So that there’s always this element of anticipation, surprise and even slight fear of what I might want to do. 

It’s basically mostly completely psychological games. I wonder what percentage of women are like this and what percentage feel they need to be ‘on top’ and have a say in everything that is happening to them in order to enjoy it.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

JustTheWife said:


> Both. I have all kinds of fantasies - some related to things guys have done to me, some that I just have in my head and i'm sure some have been influenced by things done.
> 
> 
> 
> You're right that guys might not have any way of knowing. Well I guess that's what made it more exciting. Far more exciting when they figure it out and just do it or maybe they have a similar liking or maybe they just want to see how far I will go.



Have you actually ever thought where this type of behaviour/feelings actually stem from?

It’s an uncomfortable thought but it’s quite possibly from millions of years of pretty horrendous treatments of the female species; complete, selfish domination & forced rapes etc. It’s quite a horrifying thought.
You have on the one hand the survival instinct and on the other hand that same fear is also somehow arousing because an aroused female will have an increased chance of conception which was the point back then. And the more ‘alpha’ the male, the more it ensured that the genes passed on will have a higher chance of being passed on.

Obviously it has to be in such a balance that there is never ACTUAL fear for life. But I can’t seem to think of any other origin for this type of contradictive thinking. 


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

inmyprime said:


> Have you actually ever thought where this type of behaviour/feelings actually stem from?
> 
> It’s an uncomfortable thought but it’s quite possibly from millions of years of pretty horrendous treatments of the female species; complete, selfish domination & forced rapes etc. It’s quite a horrifying thought.
> You have on the one hand the survival instinct and on the other hand that same fear is also somehow arousing because an aroused female will have an increased chance of conception which was the point back then. And the more ‘alpha’ the male, the more it ensured that the genes passed on will have a higher chance of being passed on.
> ...


yes, that's interesting and I don't really know. I think your'e right that it is related to some kind of instincts. I've always had these very secret kind of fantasies and I'm ashamed of them. The good part of me hates having them. I've always struggled with this. lots of internal conflict in me.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

JustTheWife said:


> yes, that's interesting and I don't really know. I think your'e right that it is related to some kind of instincts. I've always had these very secret kind of fantasies and I'm ashamed of them. The good part of me hates having them. I've always struggled with this. lots of internal conflict in me.



All people have them. Not all people are self aware or honest enough to decipher them correctly. If they get too strong to not be unnoticeable/suppreseable anymore, people will still try to reason themselves out of it.
Sometimes it’s ok to admit that body/instincts come first and rational mind follows behind. And most importantly, that nobody is perfect.
Otherwise you lie not only to yourself but to other people too and it creates all kinds of problems/misunderstandings.


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

Does anyone else just lay in bed next to their spouse at night and touch themselves and talk? That’s when all our fantasies come out. We are both aroused, it’s dark so our inhibitions are lowered. 

Or maybe her fantasy IS the bath and oil.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

inmyprime said:


> All people have them. Not all people are self aware or honest enough to decipher them correctly. If they get too strong to not be unnoticeable/suppreseable anymore, people will still try to reason themselves out of it.
> Sometimes it’s ok to admit that body/instincts come first and rational mind follows behind. And most importantly, that nobody is perfect.
> Otherwise you lie not only to yourself but to other people too and it creates all kinds of problems/misunderstandings.
> 
> ...


I see now that I'm not alone but for a long time i wondered what was wrong with me for having these kinds of dark fantasies. I still feel like it's wrong and i feel guilt about it but at least I know it's not a totally unheard of thing.

The more I hated myself for having these fantasies the more extreme they became. Pretty messed up, huh?


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

LeananSidhe said:


> Does anyone else just lay in bed next to their spouse at night and touch themselves and talk? That’s when all our fantasies come out. We are both aroused, it’s dark so our inhibitions are lowered.
> 
> Or maybe her fantasy IS the bath and oil.


That sounds like a very healthy, bonding experience. Would love to try it.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

AlbinoLion said:


> I've been married for 11 years now, together for a total of 12. Frankly, our sex life typically has me wanting even after being together for a decade. In the beginning, she complained about our sex life, although I've never had ANYONE else complain about it as a bachelor. I decided to step out of the box and have purchased sex toys and incorporated them into our sex life. My thinking was that if I treat each time as though it was my last time, she'd want it more because I've really put my all into it.
> 
> Well, although she's made numerous remarks over the years about our sex life improving, my strategy hasn't worked. It's kinda crazy here because I feel like I'm always doing all of the work and I don't remember it being that way when I was single. About 8 years ago a trusted female that I typically poured my soul out to on a regular basis suggested that I inquire about my S fantasy or fantasies and act them out. Over the years I have inquired about her fantasies and I get the same answer each time, "I don't have any fantasies." Then I ask her well, would you like to try something different? Her response is, "Something different like what?" Following by, "Nope, I'm good with what we have." The problem is, I'm not! I've attempted the direct approach, hint around about it, bring flowers home, and the only thing that seems to be going for me is when I run her a hot bath and rub her down with oils afterward.
> 
> Shouldn't there be another way than the royal bath and hot oil treatment? I think we all fantasize about something and am curious about what's in her head. Wondering whether or not she's afraid to share because she thinks I'll up and run...


Your post is like looking in a mirror.

My wife has no such desires. Rather less than fulfilling for me as well. But she's satisfied, and in being so, sees no reason to change anything up. That's what your're up against.

I'v never turned to fantasizing about other women. My fantasies in turn are exclusively about my wife being more sexual than she is and doing some of the things I'd like to do.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

*"About 8 years ago a trusted female that I typically poured my soul out to on a regular basis suggested that I inquire about my S fantasy or fantasies and act them out."*

Surely hope you didn't tell her (wife) where you got your ideas. For women, intimacy and connection are key components of romance.

Overall, I'm feeling many missing parts when describing y'all's sex life. Something's not right. You are trying rather blindly to make it better. Toys are a super idea.

In this particular instance, the word fantasy triggers some folks as inappropriate (I know--what a shame.) Some have fantasies but do not even know that is what they actually are.

Try having her write down on separate sheets of paper three sexual experiences she would like to try with you, then when the time is right, draw one and proceed. Make it a fun thing. Now the problem may be finding the 'right time.' Rather recently romantic erotica has jump-started the sex lives of quite a few females--even certain movies create opportune moods. When you kiss her (no sex expected) hold her face, look into her eyes for a bit, tell her how much she means to you, smile and hug. 

You might find that pouring out your heart to her more often has some success too.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

JustTheWife said:


> I see now that I'm not alone but for a long time i wondered what was wrong with me for having these kinds of dark fantasies. I still feel like it's wrong and i feel guilt about it but at least I know it's not a totally unheard of thing.
> 
> 
> 
> The more I hated myself for having these fantasies the more extreme they became. Pretty messed up, huh?




Not really. Maybe try not hating yourself for a start and then see what happens.


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## Leroi (May 13, 2016)

OP sorry I can't be of any help: this is a 3d that hurts, as it mirrors my situation. 
I must say you are even lucky, considering that she complains about something, i.e. she expresses some toughts about sex.
My wife is a black hole instead: no fantasies, no initiatives, no masturbation, no toys (I can use them on her, but she never used them by her own), nothing, even if she likes sex when I start.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

JustTheWife said:


> I see now that I'm not alone but for a long time i wondered what was wrong with me for having these kinds of dark fantasies. I still feel like it's wrong and i feel guilt about it but at least I know it's not a totally unheard of thing.
> 
> The more I hated myself for having these fantasies the more extreme they became. Pretty messed up, huh?


Since you are not revealing them...

We know not, though we can imagine.

On extreme. It they remain fantasies, no matter how extreme, no harm, no foul done.....literally.

The internet is packed [jam full] of fantasies.

There is nothing new under the sun. 

Human bodies, male and female, everything imaginable that can be done, has been done.

If it would hurt your relationship to reveal them, these fantasies, keep them hidden, revel in them....only in 'your' mind.


The Typist I-


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Leroi said:


> OP sorry I can't be of any help: this is a 3d that hurts, as it mirrors my situation.
> I must say you are even lucky, considering that she complains about something, i.e. she expresses some toughts about sex.
> *My wife is a black hole instead:* no fantasies, no initiatives, no masturbation, no toys (I can use them on her, but she never used them by her own), nothing, even if she likes sex when I start.


Yikes, not a nice thing to say.


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## Leroi (May 13, 2016)

I'm not english mother tongue, so i don't know if "black hole" is the right way to say it, is unpolite, or has a second meaning.
What I mean is I get no responses, whatever I tried to do: sharing fantasies, introducing sex toys, having "the talk", being romantic, being rough, sexting... the only answer is "I'm ok". No initiative at all (but If I start, she accepts it, and she surely likes it). She simply doesn't think about sex, unless I arouse her. Obviously her lack of desire is affecting my ability to arouse myself, as I have to do the job for both every time, and i'm getting tired of it.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

This is the problem today, with fantasies, hidden wishes for pleasures not expressed and the desire for someone to take control and take chances that their partner is receiving their hidden desires.



> The term “sexual assault” means* any nonconsensual sexual act proscribed by Federal, tribal, or State law*, including when the victim lacks capacity to consent.


https://www.justice.gov/ovw/sexual-assault

Unless you talk about it and agree to it, along with being enthusiastically approving throughout, it is some form of assault. 


The rebuttal is, a wife who loves you would never turn you in, as long as you are not harming her. You just never know what is going to happen, and the consequences today, of being reported or sued by an angry spouse are too high to take a chance.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Would your wife be willing to fill out the couples survey at mojoupgrade.com. It's a double-blind series of activities where you can express interest / desire in certain acts. Only ones that appear in final report are the ones you both express interest in exploring.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

"My wife is a black hole instead:"




SunCMars said:


> Yikes, not a nice thing to say.


I know. Kinda racist! :redcard:


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I went to the astronomy context which may be the context intended. I'm sure all know that and may be pulling our proverbial legs. I'm thinking I really didn't even need to post this. 😍


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I went to the astronomy context which may be the context intended. I'm sure all know that and may be pulling our proverbial legs. I'm thinking I really didn't even need to post this. ��


You mean that it sucks everything in? Or that once you enter it, you are stuck forever?

I guess we all see what we want to see...But I agree with you, the sky is full of beautiful vajayjays twinkling at us. Some have rings around them, some have moons... Others should not be confused with youranus. (I know, it's an oldie but a goodie).


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

JustTheWife said:


> I never wanted to tell partners my fantasies. I just want them done to me.


I love this because it is so true for soooo many women. When men develop the mutant ability to read minds all will be right in the world.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I went to the astronomy context which may be the context intended. I'm sure all know that and may be pulling our proverbial legs. I'm thinking I really didn't even nh
> 
> 
> Ahem, Ahaw...
> ...


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

happyhusband0005 said:


> I love this because it is so true for soooo many women. *When men develop the mutant ability to read minds* all will be right in the world.


That's illegal now, you know? :banhim:


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

inmyprime said:


> You mean that it sucks everything in? Or that once you enter it, you are stuck forever?
> 
> I guess we all see what we want to see...But I agree with you, the sky is full of beautiful vajayjays twinkling at us. Some have rings around them, some have moons... Others should not be confused with youranus. (I know, it's an oldie but a goodie).


Outstanding! 😎😎😁😁


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

happyhusband0005 said:


> I love this because it is so true for soooo many women. When men develop the mutant ability to read minds all will be right in the world.


This is the solution to so, so many issues.

And likely the flip side too. I've thought this millions of times and said quite a few.

Another oldie but goodie I know.


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## Leroi (May 13, 2016)

inmyprime said:


> "My wife is a black hole instead:"
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I hope you were kidding :surprise:

As told by Ragnar, I intended black holes from space.. you know? those extraordinary things we don't know - and up to date there's no way to know - what's in as they absorb the light?

As told i'm not mother tongue, but my post went unnoticed.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

And I'm sure it was kidding. All are great folks here.

Granted, some widely varied opinions in many topics! 

😊😊😊😊


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