# sex only when he's had a few...



## unhappy at home (Mar 21, 2009)

Okay, I have been married for 18 years - we have had lots of ups and downs, but we are in councelling and trying. 

My problem is that my H is not affectionate and only is interested in sex when he has had a few beers. this makes me feel cheap -I have expressed this to him and he says it is because he can last longer if he gets a bit tipsy! I guess the thing that bothers me is that he does not show affection unless we have sex and the need to be drunk before he is interested - well that tells me he really doesn't find me attractive unless he has been drinking.

Any suggestions?


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

unhappy at home said:


> I guess the thing that bothers me is that he does not show affection unless we have sex and the need to be drunk before he is interested - well that tells me he really doesn't find me attractive unless he has been drinking.


Have you stated these words to him?


----------



## unhappy at home (Mar 21, 2009)

I have tried to talk to him,that is when he told me that having a few helps him to last longer. 

I told him that I don't like or enjoy it. He told me he is not an affectionate person and that is how it has always been - and he is right, I let this happen, I accepted that for most of our marriage - it has come up a lot over the years, but I am usually told that it is my problem and that he hasn't changed since the day I met him. 

But I have changed and over the years this has become a real issue for me. This last round of councelling has helped a bit with him actually kissing me good night and good bye, but it feels forced - maybe I have become too critical - I don't know, I do know that him needing to be drunk to want to have sex is really getting to me!

I tried to tell him that it is not all about the sex for me, sometimes I would like to cuddle, or just be affectionate in other ways, but he just doesn't seem to get it.


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

unhappy at home said:


> This last round of councelling has helped a bit with him actually kissing me good night and good bye, but it feels forced - maybe I have become too critical - I don't know,


First off it is great he has gone to counseling in the past. That shows he knows things can change. Secondly, with time and patience the “forced” feelings can be improved on.

How serious is the alcohol abuse? Daily and to great excess?

Has he thought that if he engages in sex sober, while he might climax too quickly, that he might be capable of going another round with a brief rest? That is much more likely to extend his endurance the second time. If he is truly concerned about lasting and that relates to pleasing you then I see that as a good sign. It’s just that his tactics are incorrect.

If not already suggested try reading the “Five Languages of Love”. It gets hyped her a lot but it does look as though the two of you are speaking different languages.


----------



## unhappy at home (Mar 21, 2009)

Thank you Amp for you responses...it helps to get another's opinion.
I will look for the book you suggested.
He drinks beer everyday, not always to the extend to getting drunk, but does seem to need this to relax.
I have tried to talk to him about the possibility of being depressed, but he feels that as long as he is able to get up and function at work etc that he is fine.
Without alcohol he does climax very quickly, but does try to please me first - we have never tried to take a rest and try again, I will try to suggest that.
I hate the fact that sex is our only physical contact, but plan to go and try to find "the five languages of love" today and hope that will help.
thanks again


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Men marry women hoping they never will change, but they do

women marry men hoping they can change them, but they dont


----------



## unhappy at home (Mar 21, 2009)

Amp - thank you for the suggestion to read 5 love languages - I purchased it and read it, it made a lot of sense to me, and asked my husband to read it. He said he tried, but there was nothing in it he felt was relevant!


----------



## Unit4 (Mar 15, 2009)

Does you husband believe he's satisfied with his life, in general, or that he's achieved to his own standard in his life? I wonder if he's sub consciously denying himself more relaxed, and longer lasting sex because he feels somehow unfullfilled by other things, like maybe his job, social life, etc. Alcohol, without addiction, can decouple thoughts like this and make the sex easier. just a guess.


----------



## martino (May 12, 2008)

This saying is complete bull ****e. 



okeydokie said:


> Men marry women hoping they never will change, but they do
> 
> women marry men hoping they can change them, but they dont


----------



## MMA_FIGHTER (Feb 2, 2009)

it might just give him a better feeling when he is drunk to have sex. my wife likes to get a little tipsy before sometimes, witch is good for me cause i know that i will get to do more "naughty'er" things to her if you catch my drift. and i dont have to worry about her saying no.


----------



## unhappy at home (Mar 21, 2009)

Thanks for the replies.
to answer a few questions - No, I don't think is he generally happy with his job, or life in general and no, he does not show affection outside of having sex. If i ask him for a hug, he will give me one, but it is never initiated by him. I understand that having a few drinks helps to with inahibitions,I guess it is the lack of affection outside the bedroom that makes me sad.


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

martino said:


> This saying is complete bull ****e.


there is no E in bull**** :rofl:


----------



## unhappy at home (Mar 21, 2009)

M22, No, he has not every really be very affectionate other than when initiating sex, as I get older,this bothers me more and more. I think it is one of the many problems in our relationship and I do take full responsibility for letting it happen as I accepted it throughout, but it is becoming a huge cause for resentment.
I purchased and read the 5 love languages, and thought wow, yep this might help, so I asked him to read it - we have had many problems and he has told me he is ready to do anything to make our marriage work, so I really believed that he would read it and hoped it would help him to understand me better, and me to understand him better.
It has been over a month, he has not read the book, when I asked him how it was, he told me he read 3 or 4 pages, flipped through it and didn't really find anything useful in it, But, he did the quiz for husbands in the back - According to that his primary love language is show of affection!?
I questioned this as it has never been something he initiates or even seems to like - he has actually said that he doesn't like holding hands, kissing unless it leads to sex and hugs make him feel uncomfortable.
His told me that the other choices - gifts - which he HATES to receive, acts of service - no one can do as well as he can etc. where worse than the affection choices so he picked them because he really couldn't find ones that fit him!!
I feel lost, how am I suppose to try and make things better if in reality, it seems that he does not like any kind of interaction, affection unless it is when he is drinking and wants sex? and I am not comfortable with that because it makes me feel like that is all I am good for.
sorry for the long response, I needed to vent my frustrations.
We did have a long talk last night and he told me he could live like this( roomates basically with occassional sex) for the next 20 -30 yrs! My problem is I need more, I wish this was enough but its not.


----------



## 2ndTimeRound (Jul 26, 2009)

I'm new at this but this problem hit dead on for me. I was married to a guy who was always affectionate even when he got cancer and was close to dying. I was still young enough and had good experience with marriage so wasn't afraid to fall in love again, my current husband was very affectionate when we first got together but more so when he was drinking. I had never had any experience with someone who drank so much before but didn't tie the affection to sexual arrousal. Now even when he is drinking he isn't really interested in sex. We've been married for 7 years now and only have attempted sex maybe 3 times in the last year. He went to the dr. and had his testrone level checked, it was fine. He say's it is not me, and I have to be honest I do take care of my appearance, and love doing things for him but I am finding myself pulling away from him a little more each day. I feel like "un happy at home" I don't want to waste 10 or 15 years of my life without a life of fulfilment sexually and emotionally. With someone who is happy with a quick kiss goodby or hello and the only contact I have with him is when he ask me to rub his feet. I try to be playful thinking it will encourage him only to have him tell me he is tired or too full from dinner or sleepy or his tummy is upset or whatever. I have broached the subject of counseling but he doesn't like that idea at all. I would go to counseling by myself but it seems like that would all be one sided.


----------

