# My wife has no sex appeal



## seek&find (Apr 18, 2017)

I'd like to start this off by saying my wife is beautiful and I love her. I have no intention of forcing or pressuring her to change. She is a great wife, great mom and I'm lucky to have her. 

My wife is the type of woman who wears leggings, a t-shirt and mismatched socks every day of her life. On a good day she puts on some skinny jeans and a t-shirt, maybe shorts if it's hot out. We met as teenagers and back then I didn't give a rats behind what she wore, as long as she would take it off . To work she wears scrubs, so between that and leggings I rarely see her in anything else. She wears the same pair of shoes until they are totally worn out.

My wife is 25 and has a great body. Even after 2 children she has no sign of ever being pregnant. If she were uncomfortable with her body I could understand why she is uncomfortable dressing up or upping her sex appeal. The only makeup my wife wears in foundation and mascara. On a good day she might throw on some lip chap. She never does her hair, instead always wears it down how it naturally sits. I have known her for 11 years and I have seen her will a full face of makeup and hair done once, for our wedding. The only jewelry she wears is her wedding rings.

We have talked about it and I try to encourage her to dress up or nice. Her excuse for not wanting to is that she doesn't have time to spend hours in front of the mirror, doesn't know how to do make up and her hair "sucks" for doing anything with. Everyone has to learn at some point. I have seen her in a dress 4 times, prom, our wedding, and both of our baby showers. And a handful of casual dresses for friends weddings. 

I am not going to be an ******* and tell her that she has to start doing x, y and z. I want to encourage her to do it at least sometimes. When I ask to go out to a nice restaurant she says no because she has nothing to wear but doesn't want to go buy anything. She is beautiful without makeup, hair done and a sexy outfit, but sometimes it would be nice. I find that my eyes wander a lot. 

Same goes for the bedroom, she doesn't know how to be sexy. I have told her that I don't like dirty talk, really I don't like it coming from her. It just sounds so unnatural. She isn't good at being sexy with her body, or taking charge. I have a more colorful sexual past than she does (I'm her only partner) and sometimes I miss the woman who did ooze sex appeal and who could get me going without even touching me. 

Is there any way to encourage her? Or is this a suck it up and deal with it situation?


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

How about a mommy day/weekend? You can treat her to a spa visit, follow up with a surprise outfit and date night. 

She says she doesn't know how to do makeup and her hair sucks, both of which may be true. I don't blame her with regards to the make up, have you tried it? Seriously, I've sat down with how-to videos and it's still difficult. If she's that young with 2 kids, she hasn't even had the time to do that much less sit around trying to figure it out herself. Same goes for the hair. So again, how about you surprise her with a make-up class and a trip to a good hairdresser? You can find both of these options on groupon.

You know her size by now, try buying her something nice. Sites like asos (online store) will let you buy, try and return without much hassle.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

There was a TV show called "What not to wear" that ambushed people like your wife and did makeovers, and explained to them why it mattered. Perhaps you could find some of those (watch them yourself first) that make sense for you situation and watch those episodes with her. Maybe she'll get it, or you can use those as a starting point to discuss this with her further.

Change is possible. My wife wasn't very fashionable, being more the casual type with a wardrobe that usually ranged from kinda hippy-dippy to Baptist schoolmarm! LOL I influenced her over time, and now she can dress with the best of them and even walk (and dance) in high heels!


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## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

Well, you can work on external appearances, but I don't know you'll be satisfied with the result. Already you've seen that the dirty talk doesn't work for you because it's so glaringly Not Who She Is. 

What you're really after is a genuinely playful, knowing attitude born of sexual confidence. You can explain honestly what that is, and what a powerful effect it has on you, and if she's interested she may try to incorporate some of it. But if she feels devalued, invidiously compared, and not fundamentally accepted, then you'll be drawing battle lines in a power struggle. 

Also, someone will be along to point out that you knew how she was when you got married, even though that doesn't really help you now.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Have you guys done the His Needs Her Needs workbook? One of the things it identifies is whether appearance is important as a need, and how high on the priority list it is. Maybe doing that together would be enough of a push in the right direction for her to start paying a bit more attention to herself?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Do you dress well yourself or you also in jeans and tshirt while expecting her to dress sexily.You will have to take charge here and it may cost you a few bucks.(Ok,quite a lot of bucks)Pick one of the big shopping malls and buy your wife a gift credit card with a One day time limit and send her clothes shopping,a grand should do it.Maybe book a personal stylist to accompany her on her shopping trip.Book her a late afternoon appointment with an upmarket hair salon and pay for all the extras,makeup,eyebrows,nails etc.Book a really fancy restaurant for that night and arrange for someone to look after your kids if necessary.
Do not take no for an answer.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Ok, what worked a little for my wife was the full spa day treatment (massage, manicure, pedicure, facial, hair and make-up). This happened first as a bonding experience with our daughter-in-law, then later with one of my wife's girl friends. 

The second best way was when my wife and a stylish friend of hers went shopping and the friend taught my wife how to shop for clothes that flattered her. I complemented my wife. Later, I suggested she go shopping with her friend again. 

In both cases you need to be totally out of the picture, except for money and your wife needs to be mentored by another woman. 

Does your wife have any hot stylish women friends? If so suggest that you do a double date so you can meet the other woman's husband. If a friendship of sorts develops, great if not at least you will know them socially. At least then you can suggest to your wife some of the above things. Tell her she works hard and you feel she should pamper herself a little.

Good luck


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## seek&find (Apr 18, 2017)

Keke24 said:


> How about a mommy day/weekend? You can treat her to a spa visit, follow up with a surprise outfit and date night.
> 
> She says she doesn't know how to do makeup and her hair sucks, both of which may be true. I don't blame her with regards to the make up, have you tried it? Seriously, I've sat down with how-to videos and it's still difficult. If she's that young with 2 kids, she hasn't even had the time to do that much less sit around trying to figure it out herself. Same goes for the hair. So again, how about you surprise her with a make-up class and a trip to a good hairdresser? You can find both of these options on groupon.
> 
> You know her size by now, try buying her something nice. Sites like asos (online store) will let you buy, try and return without much hassle.


Sending her for a spa day might be a good idea. She has never gone before. I have offered but she hasn't wanted to. She is a person who will do anything for everyone else, but nothing for herself. She would rather spend that time, money, energy, with me and/or our kids. For birthdays and holidays she has never wanted anything, if she was given money from someone it was spent on us or the kids. 

She was 17 when she had our first child, so I can understand that she missed out on a good chunk of her teenage years. I was older and almost done college so I didn't miss that time like she did. That also made her very frugal. Given the situation money was tight. We are very comfortable now and can afford the luxuries but she has always stayed in the mindset of "I'd rather take the kids _____ or put money in their college funds than spend X amount of money on clothes, expensive dates, hair, etc.". I appreciate that she isn't a woman (person) who blows money. Our youngest child is 2 and I love him dearly but TBH he is a little **** right now. My wife would appreciate some time away I'm sure. 

Thank you for the idea to get her classes. I didn't know that existed but looked on Groupon and sure enough it does. Last September I gave her a gift card to a very nice salon and she had her hair cut and dyed, I will do that again as well. I can buy her an outfit as well. I have bought her lingerie and she had no problem wearing that so why I haven't bought an outfit I think she would look good in I have no idea. She's tiny so finding clothes to fit her is probably easy. 

Thank-you.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Give your W a credit card with no limit and advise she does not return without an entire new wardrobe, pedicure, make-up and stop at the hairdressers. 

Some days my W will say she can do nothing with her hair. However, everyday she does her make up and looks her best for me. She states that all the time. I reciprocate. 

Concerning clothing, I go cloths shopping with my W. She likes my opinion. Perhaps take your W cloth shopping. When your W sees outfits you like her in she will make the purchase.


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## FeelingBetrayed (Apr 17, 2017)

She sounds like a mom.  Being a mom is a beautiful but exhausting thing. Taking care of everyone else all of the time. Not all women want to wear make up and put a ton of product in their hair. I agree with suggestions on giving her a spa day to pamper herself. Tell her to buy 1 outfit so you can have a date night and go out to dinner. Accept her for who she is though.


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## seek&find (Apr 18, 2017)

Married but Happy said:


> There was a TV show called "What not to wear" that ambushed people like your wife and did makeovers, and explained to them why it mattered. Perhaps you could find some of those (watch them yourself first) that make sense for you situation and watch those episodes with her. Maybe she'll get it, or you can use those as a starting point to discuss this with her further.
> 
> Change is possible. My wife wasn't very fashionable, being more the casual type with a wardrobe that usually ranged from kinda hippy-dippy to Baptist schoolmarm! LOL I influenced her over time, and now she can dress with the best of them and even walk (and dance) in high heels!


The funny thing is that my wife watches those shows occasionally. I think she cares about what she wears but not enough to do anything about it. I haven't made a huge deal out of it, I'm not going to be an *******. 



Phil Anders said:


> Well, you can work on external appearances, but I don't know you'll be satisfied with the result. Already you've seen that the dirty talk doesn't work for you because it's so glaringly Not Who She Is.
> 
> What you're really after is a genuinely playful, knowing attitude born of sexual confidence. You can explain honestly what that is, and what a powerful effect it has on you, and if she's interested she may try to incorporate some of it. But if she feels devalued, invidiously compared, and not fundamentally accepted, then you'll be drawing battle lines in a power struggle.
> 
> Also, someone will be along to point out that you knew how she was when you got married, even though that doesn't really help you now.


You are right that this is who I chose to marry. She was young, in school and there was a part of me that thought somewhere along the line she would... grow up, dress more like a woman? That's probably not the phrase I'm looking for but maybe you'll get it. I have talked to my wife once or twice about upping the sex appeal in the bedroom, she wasn't impressed and got upset. We have always had some problems with sexual histories. She has dated, kissed, had sex with, one guy. She was very shy in her younger years. I was on the other side of the spectrum and screwed anything that moved. We had a very rocky start to our relationship/parenting, as well. She is self-conscious about our past and my past and I have to tread carefully. 



Hope1964 said:


> Have you guys done the His Needs Her Needs workbook? One of the things it identifies is whether appearance is important as a need, and how high on the priority list it is. Maybe doing that together would be enough of a push in the right direction for her to start paying a bit more attention to herself?


I haven't but I will look that up. I have not heard of it before. It might be a gentle push in the right direction. 



Andy1001 said:


> Do you dress well yourself or you also in jeans and tshirt while expecting her to dress sexily.You will have to take charge here and it may cost you a few bucks.(Ok,quite a lot of bucks)Pick one of the big shopping malls and buy your wife a gift credit card with a One day time limit and send her clothes shopping,a grand should do it.Maybe book a personal stylist to accompany her on her shopping trip.Book her a late afternoon appointment with an upmarket hair salon and pay for all the extras,makeup,eyebrows,nails etc.Book a really fancy restaurant for that night and arrange for someone to look after your kids if necessary.
> Do not take no for an answer.


I do dress well myself. I wouldn't expect her to if I was slobbing around (is that even a word?). I spend a nice chunk of change on clothing, hair and other upkeeps. My wife often compliments things that I wear so she does notice. Those are good ideas I will have to implement them. 



Young at Heart said:


> Ok, what worked a little for my wife was the full spa day treatment (massage, manicure, pedicure, facial, hair and make-up). This happened first as a bonding experience with our daughter-in-law, then later with one of my wife's girl friends.
> 
> The second best way was when my wife and a stylish friend of hers went shopping and the friend taught my wife how to shop for clothes that flattered her. I complemented my wife. Later, I suggested she go shopping with her friend again.
> 
> ...


The spa day seems to be a popular choice. That's good, and easy for me to do. My wife has very few close friends. She has work friends and mom friends but she rarely goes out just to go out with friends. She lost most of her friends after having a teenage pregnancy and didn't get them back. Going shopping with a well dressed friend is a good idea, but probably not an option for her. Another poster suggested a stylist, that may be an option if we have that available here.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Don't feel bad, a least your wife didn't gain 100 lbs and have no intention of losing any of it. We have talked about her unwillingness to exercise but she just doesn't want to. My daughters try to get her to wear makeup and look a little nicer but she doesn't want to do that either. She doesn't care that she's not attractive and it doesn't seem to bother her.  I really don't understand that either because when she was 25 shortly after we got married she was an absolute knockout. My guess is that she's settled in life, has what she set out to have and doesn't care about pleasing others any more.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Oh, by the way, I also would like you to know that your thread has made me realize that I haven't been paying enough attention to my appearance lately. Our anniversary is this weekend and I haven't given a single thought to what to wear, as usual, and if I don't I will end up wearing something I really don't want to. So I am making a point to look good for my husband when we go out. I will start by modeling the dresses I have (he likes me in a dress and I NEVER wear them) for him so he can let me know what looks good. I also will give myself a haircut (i've let my hair go lately - it's due for a cut!) and make sure I use some make up.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

seek&find said:


> Sending her for a spa day might be a good idea. She has never gone before. I have offered but she hasn't wanted to. She is a person who will do anything for everyone else, but nothing for herself. She would rather spend that time, money, energy, with me and/or our kids. For birthdays and holidays she has never wanted anything, if she was given money from someone it was spent on us or the kids.
> 
> She was 17 when she had our first child, so I can understand that she missed out on a good chunk of her teenage years. I was older and almost done college so I didn't miss that time like she did. That also made her very frugal. Given the situation money was tight. We are very comfortable now and can afford the luxuries but she has always stayed in the mindset of "I'd rather take the kids _____ or put money in their college funds than spend X amount of money on clothes, expensive dates, hair, etc.". I appreciate that she isn't a woman (person) who blows money. Our youngest child is 2 and I love him dearly but TBH he is a little **** right now. My wife would appreciate some time away I'm sure.
> 
> ...


This is the norm for many moms OP. My parents had 6 kids beginning at 18. I have never ever seen my mom buy anything for herself outside of shoes and uniforms for work. I have never seen her go out except on a couple occasions when her sisters visited from another country. The only times she's worn makeup is when we were old enough to buy our own and forced her to let us put it on her. The only time I've seen her in a dress/heels is when she's heading to church. To this day she has zero hobbies because she never had time to do anything outside of working/raising us. I'm pretty sure my father would say she has zero sex appeal too.

Don't let this be your wife. The advice you're receiving here should help you avoid that.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

seek&find said:


> The funny thing is that my wife watches those shows occasionally. I think she cares about what she wears but not enough to do anything about it. I haven't made a huge deal out of it, I'm not going to be an *******.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Most of the large established women's clothes shops have personal stylists and if not there are plenty of them available.Just google personal shoppers and you will be inundated with names.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Phil Anders said:


> *someone will be along to point out that you knew how she was when you got married*, even though that doesn't really help you now.



Hi, here I am.

OP, she was this way when you married her; so she hasn't done a thing wrong.

She has a great body which has rebounded to pre-pregnancy conditions:surprise:. You think she is beautiful [?]; but yet, she isn't enough the way she is, and your eyes are wandering.


If *she* would really like to makeover her personal appearance and style-----we only have your information to go on, so we don't know------then, by all means, treat her to the works.

Maybe she just needs financial permission. It sounds like you hit the jackpot again, in getting a woman who is sensible with money.

If a go-ahead on spending the time and money on herself is all she needs, then great. She'll morph into a sexy, fashionable version of herself, and all is well.

If you are trying to shove a square peg into a round hole. Then a lot of unhappiness awaits the two of you.

And apparently she's now not sexy enough in bed either.

If this is because she's not measuring up to porn; then my advice to you is to grow up.

If it's 'cause she's not measuring up to past girlfriends; you are a very cruel man.

If this is because you, of your *own* personality, need dirty talk or a more seductive woman; then you have to tell her; and you both may need to see a sex therapist, or read books, or watch webinars; so on and so forth. This is something you want; which she may be able to "learn" to accommodate you. You guys may need some outside help. Because, apparently, dirty talk and being the take charge, confidant woman, is not her style.


Just like people who are born gay can't become straight. People usually don't suddenly change and take on sexual personas that are not naturally who they are.


Here we see how the husband's more prolific sexual past can hurt the wife. We usually pay much more attention on TAM to the wife with the colorful past and the relatively inexperienced husband experiencing retroactive jealousy and feelings of inadequacy.

It goes both ways.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

There is nothing more sexy than a confident woman. The makeup washes off, clothes go out of fashion, sexy underwear soon gets boring...confidence is a great aphrodisiac. 

I fear that if you try and change her appearance in a way she does not feel comfortable she may lose her confidence and she may just feel awkward. If your wife has always been this way then it does seem unlikely that she would commit to completely changing her lifestyle. She sounds a lot like my sister who does not take time on her appearance (no makeup, greying hair, worn shoes, jeans shredding at the hem, washed up jumpers). I take a lot of time to look good, do my makeup, pick out nice clothes, experiment with my hair - it is very important to me. But when we holiday together it is always my sister that gets the attention from men and I am convinced it is because she is so confident and fun. Whereas I am shy and reserved.

So my advice for what it is worth is to encourage your wife to be more confident and playful in the bedroom. Sensual oil massages, stripping, teasing, using 'props', learning great hj and bj skills, writing erotic stories. There are a plethora of books that may help.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

@peacem


Great avatar.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

notmyrealname4 said:


> @peacem
> 
> 
> Great avatar.


Why thank you. The queen of tease and denial.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I first dated my wife in 1980. I still think she looks hot in mismatch socks and a t-shirt. 

She does wear lingerie that she is comfortable in around the house, and I appreciate the effort, but I'd be completely happy without it.

With time people become less attractive. If you are luck though, you never notice the changes. 






seek&find said:


> snip
> 
> My wife is the type of woman who wears leggings, a t-shirt and mismatched socks every day of her life. On a good day she puts on some skinny jeans and a t-shirt, maybe shorts if it's hot out. We met as teenagers and back then I didn't give a rats behind what she wore, as long as she would take it off . To work she wears scrubs, so between that and leggings I rarely see her in anything else. She wears the same pair of shoes until they are totally worn out.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Oh, by the way, I also would like you to know that your thread has made me realize that I haven't been paying enough attention to my appearance lately. Our anniversary is this weekend and I haven't given a single thought to what to wear, as usual, and if I don't I will end up wearing something I really don't want to. So I am making a point to look good for my husband when we go out. I will start by modeling the dresses I have (he likes me in a dress and I NEVER wear them) for him so he can let me know what looks good. I also will give myself a haircut (i've let my hair go lately - it's due for a cut!) and make sure I use some make up.


In my opinion, that would be a very good anniversary present for your husband!


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

peacem said:


> Why thank you. The queen of tease and denial.




I think she kept him bamboozled without sex for 9 [?] years.

Once she gave in; she was doomed!


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

seek&find said:


> I have a more colorful sexual past than she does (I'm her only partner)


You might try teaching her what you like to in the bedroom. She has no clue about what you want. Buy her lingerie; let her know how you enjoy seeing her. If she doesn't know the right way to touch you, show her. As she learns what you want, she will become "more sexy", at least in the bedroom.

Sexiness outside of the bedroom is another story, especially for working women. Make-up and styling her hair take time; she might not have time for that on every day, and you should be mindful of that.

In the end, I would hope that you find other things about your wife "sexy" that aren't necessarily physical. There are a lot of emotional aspects of "sex appeal", and overall, I think it's either there or it isn't.


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## seek&find (Apr 18, 2017)

jb02157 said:


> Don't feel bad, a least your wife didn't gain 100 lbs and have no intention of losing any of it. We have talked about her unwillingness to exercise but she just doesn't want to. My daughters try to get her to wear makeup and look a little nicer but she doesn't want to do that either. She doesn't care that she's not attractive and it doesn't seem to bother her. I really don't understand that either because when she was 25 shortly after we got married she was an absolute knockout. My guess is that she's settled in life, has what she set out to have and doesn't care about pleasing others any more.


I appreciate my wife for not doing a bait and switch. She is the same person now as she was a decade ago when I first met her, with natural changes for growing up. 



Keke24 said:


> This is the norm for many moms OP. My parents had 6 kids beginning at 18. I have never ever seen my mom buy anything for herself outside of shoes and uniforms for work. I have never seen her go out except on a couple occasions when her sisters visited from another country. The only times she's worn makeup is when we were old enough to buy our own and forced her to let us put it on her. The only time I've seen her in a dress/heels is when she's heading to church. To this day she has zero hobbies because she never had time to do anything outside of working/raising us. I'm pretty sure my father would say she has zero sex appeal too.
> 
> Don't let this be your wife. The advice you're receiving here should help you avoid that.


My wife has few hobbies, she threw them away when we had our first child. Between parenting, working and going through high school she didn't have time for anything else. I should encourage her to get back into them again or find new ones. All that she does for her "me time" it workout from home and go running. I don't want her to look back and have many regrets. Having our first child when she was a teenager affected her a lot more than me and she still carries some jealousy over that. That I was older and head in life, that I didn't miss out on things and had more time to do things than her (though I shouldn't have). She has done a great job at taking care of our kids, I want her to take care of herself as well. 



notmyrealname4 said:


> Hi, here I am.
> 
> OP, she was this way when you married her; so she hasn't done a thing wrong.
> 
> ...


No, you're right. I can't change her if she absolutely does not want to change. If she wants to wear leggings until the day she dies then I'll have to live with that. Maybe buy some new pairs to change things up... bright side? You are right that I don't think I have ever clearly told my wife to go blow a bunch of money. She might need to hear it very clearly from me. I do not take for granted that she is wise with money, better than I am. 

My wife's body would be beautiful regardless but I know I am lucky that she did go back to her pre-pregnancy body. She walked away from two pregnancies with no extra weight, no stretch marks or loose skin, she didn't need a csection. I don't know if she was just lucky or she did something to achieve that. I am happy (that sounds wrong, I'd be happy regardless) that she went back to her tiny, buck nothing size. 

I do not compare my wife to porn and I try not to compare her to other women. When I am with my wife, I think about my wife. There are times when I miss not certain people but how good the experiences were. My sex life with my wife is fine. It regular enough, she doesn't lay there like a dead fish, she initiates sometimes, but it's nothing to write home about. I'm not going to say to my wife that I was with X and she gave an awesome BJ, and I was with Y and she was amazing on top, or Z had great orgasms. No. I just wish we could spice it up a little. It's fine, but maybe it could be better than just fine. 

I am not saying this to be a ****, I'd rather not say it but it's important for context. When we met she was literally just someone I wanted to hook up with and another notch. Things changed or I wouldn't be here and married to her, but she feels like I'm only with her because I knocked her up. She took care of our child and I kept screwing around, literally, until someone smacked some sense into me, also literally. From what she has said to me I gather that she feels like I'm not really into her regardless and never have been, not really attracted to her regardless. She watched me go from woman to woman in our younger days and many of them were the ones who dressed on the ****tier side. She is nothing like those women, and I'm GLAD that she isn't, but she doesn't see it that way. On her sexiest day she doesn't feel like she could live up to other women I have been with. That's something she has said. 



peacem said:


> There is nothing more sexy than a confident woman. The makeup washes off, clothes go out of fashion, sexy underwear soon gets boring...confidence is a great aphrodisiac.
> 
> I fear that if you try and change her appearance in a way she does not feel comfortable she may lose her confidence and she may just feel awkward. If your wife has always been this way then it does seem unlikely that she would commit to completely changing her lifestyle. She sounds a lot like my sister who does not take time on her appearance (no makeup, greying hair, worn shoes, jeans shredding at the hem, washed up jumpers). I take a lot of time to look good, do my makeup, pick out nice clothes, experiment with my hair - it is very important to me. But when we holiday together it is always my sister that gets the attention from men and I am convinced it is because she is so confident and fun. Whereas I am shy and reserved.
> 
> So my advice for what it is worth is to encourage your wife to be more confident and playful in the bedroom. Sensual oil massages, stripping, teasing, using 'props', learning great hj and bj skills, writing erotic stories. There are a plethora of books that may help.


My wife must have sex appeal for some men because she does get attention when we are out. I have no problem with my wife being hit on or some mild flirting, as long as she comes home to me at the end of the day. When she does tell me that someone flirted with her at work or the store, I kind of like it. She isn't a confident woman, she is still rather quiet though not as shy as she use to be. Funny enough, the vast majority of men who have flirted with her or ogled her have been foreign or from another culture. Come to think of it, it was the same in high school as well with the foreign exchange kids. She notices it as well. 

Reading erotica might help her, she's into things like that. As long as I have known her I have tried to get her to strip or tease, no such luck. I can do those things, and make somewhat of a fool of myself, but she doesn't have the confidence to do it. Especially stripping, that would be like the jackpot. It's hard to encourage her because she gets upset that (she thinks) I liked sex with someone else better, or I think about someone else while we're having sex.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

OK, let me get this straight - you cheated on her early in your relationship? Or was this going from woman to woman before you and she were together?


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

seek&find said:


> My wife has few hobbies, she threw them away when we had our first child. Between parenting, working and going through high school she didn't have time for anything else. I should encourage her to get back into them again or find new ones. All that she does for her "me time" it workout from home and go running. I don't want her to look back and have many regrets. Having our first child when she was a teenager affected her a lot more than me and she still carries some jealousy over that. That I was older and head in life, that I didn't miss out on things and had more time to do things than her (though I shouldn't have). She has done a great job at taking care of our kids, I want her to take care of herself as well.


If she's into working out, perhaps another great option is pole fitness classes. Not only will she get a bomb ass workout, it will help with her self confidence and work on her sexiness in a controlled setting with a group of like minded women. The pole fitness classes can also be sourced through groupon.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Well, it does sound like you appreciate your wife's good qualities. That is good; you don't take her for granted.


If she is insecure about your past experiences and that you continued being sexually involved with others, even after you were with her; then I'd be doubly, triply careful about asking her to change into something that even remotely resembles the women you used to chase and date. I can't begin to describe how painful that is---to feel like your S.O. wishes you were something else.

Have you ever considered that her sweetness and au naturel style may have attracted you initially? It can be very common for us to be attracted to someone for a certain quality; then try to change it.

My husband has always been a very blunt, tactless person. It was incredibly fascinating to me when I first met him. And even though it was hurtful at times; his honesty was very refreshing.

But then I started to wish he wouldn't be as honest. It started to grate on me to always get the unvarnished truth. And I saw how he ticked other people off.

So, while encouraging him to be as honest as possible, I also caution him to watch out when and where he just blurts out the first thing that is on his mind.


Point of the comparison: encourage your wife to be *her* best self. Not a copycat of the ****tier women you used to date.

Silly example: if she likes sunflowers, buy her a cute casual dress with sunflower print. She might have a dressier style; but still have her own personality shining through.

Overall, I get the feeling that your wife needs tons of reassurance that you find her attractive enough. What a sweetie, I hope she's okay.

Start small. Get her a Bath and Body Works collection in a scent you know she likes. Small encouragements. From you to her because she deserves nice things; and you want to see her get pampered from time to time.

If she detects the slightest whiff of, "I don't like how you dress", or, "the way you act in bed can't hold a candle to Old Girlfriend"; then you are on the fast track to a low sex marriage.


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## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

Do you take her out a lot? Like on dates? I never get dressed up because I have no reason to. 

Sent from my E6653 using Tapatalk


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

seek&find said:


> Is there any way to encourage her? Or is this a suck it up and deal with it situation?


Have her blindfold you and just imagine her wearing extremely nice lingerie. Describe to her how she looks in the lingerie you are imagining and ask her to role play a little and pretend as if she is really wearing something crazy and sexy that you are not going to be allowed to actually see how she looks wearing it. 

What this will do is allow her to see and feel how you will respond to the idea of her trying a little something different in a way that requires virtually no effort on her part. You can compliment how wonderful she look while playing this game as a way to boost her confidence to perhaps try it for real. The idea is that she blindfolds you again and then when she takes it off perhaps she is wearing something new and sexy for you in real life. 

If she likes leggings, perhaps an easy place to start would be some sexy stockings and underwear! Buy these for her and encourage her to perhaps try them on while you are blindfolded!

Sometimes just "having fun" and not being so serious can help as well. So if you want her to wear makeup, you are going to have to show her exactly what looks sexy while you do her makeup blindfolded!










Let her do the same to you!

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

seek&find said:


> I am not saying this to be a ****, I'd rather not say it but it's important for context. When we met she was literally just someone I wanted to hook up with and another notch. Things changed or I wouldn't be here and married to her, but she feels like I'm only with her because I knocked her up. *She took care of our child and I kept screwing around, literally, until someone smacked some sense into me, also literally.* From what she has said to me I gather that she feels like I'm not really into her regardless and never have been, not really attracted to her regardless. *She watched me go from woman to woman in our younger days and many of them were the ones who dressed on the ****tier side.* She is nothing like those women, and I'm GLAD that she isn't, but she doesn't see it that way. On her sexiest day she doesn't feel like she could live up to other women I have been with. That's something she has said.





Hope1964 said:


> OK, let me get this straight - you cheated on her early in your relationship? Or was this going from woman to woman before you and she were together?





If we "go there", then the thread becomes much deeper than fashion style, or bedroom personas.

But it is kinda the elephant in the room.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Thank your lucky stars that you have such a woman. When her mommy days are behind her she'll go more "girly". 
My daughter is a lot like this. She is in the medical field, and as a career, it is exhausting. So dressing up is foreign to her, however, her residency program requires they dress professionally when doing rounds, so my wife and I went out and bought her some nice dressy suits with skirts and pants. So, 1-2 days a week she has to dress. The rest of the time is is scrubs, and thank goodness for them, judging by the things that go flying at her (*get ready for the gross* Vomit, saliva, blood, amniotic fluid (she's an OB/GYN), feces (according to my daughter 99% of women **** while pushing out a baby), so yeah, better to wear scrubs which are pitched quickly and replaced.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

It's totally ok to tell your wife that it would mean a lot to you if she would dress up for you once in a while. Physical attractiveness is a top need for many spouses, and it sounds like she is almost there (often it's a weight thing, but in this case, it's not- just more of a preference to see her dressed up).

I'd ask her how she'd feel taking more time on date nights to get dressed up for you. Let her know that you'll handle making reservations for a weekly night out where she can do this. 




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## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

notmyrealname4 said:


> If she is insecure about your past experiences and that you continued being sexually involved with others, even after you were with her; then I'd be doubly, triply careful about asking her to change into something that even remotely resembles the women you used to chase and date. I can't begin to describe how painful that is---to feel like your S.O. wishes you were something else.
> 
> If she detects the slightest whiff of, "I don't like how you dress", or, "the way you act in bed can't hold a candle to Old Girlfriend"; then you are on the fast track to a low sex marriage.


Good post. Vital to distinguish between _innate qualities_ and _tactics_. 

It's as if... she has a History, with strapping construction guys in coveralls. She always admired how they put walls and roofs together. 

You...don't build so good. You've no experience. And you look like an amateur when you put wooden boards on top of other wooden boards. The result doesn't hang together somehow. 

You sense her chagrin. When pressed, she talks to you about how it could all be different, IF--

and right away, you pull up a Kodachrome image of Mr Brawny from her past: a rougher kind of Chippendale wearing only a day-glo orange vest, huge forearm muscles rippling as he swings the hammer--

_and what you miss is that she doesn't want HIM, she only wants you..._

*...to get a hammer and learn to wield it, because construction goes better when you use nails.*

Sorry, I went all @SunCMars there for a sec. But making her understand the above is your big challenge given the history you have.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Have you two worked through your infidelity? That hurts forever if it's not resolved. No wonder she thinks you want to have sex with someone else. You already proved through your actions that she wasn't/isn't enough for you. She's never going to shake that feeling if you don't continuously prove to her that you are faithful and only want her.

Tread very carefully. If you don't like her the way she is, she's going to think you will find someone else and based on what you wrote, she may be right. Do you think there is any reason for adultery?

How often do you take her out on dates? How often do you take her out of town just the two of you?

Make plans now for several dates. Have the babysitting set up and put the dates on both of your calendars. Also plan a weekend getaway for May or June.

I recommend that you take her out shopping, just the two of you, and ask her to find some date night clothes. Everything from dress and shoes to underwear. Have her choose outfits for several dates. Also buy her clothes to replace things that are old. She should have several pair of shoes for work and more for dressing up. Taking her out shopping at least quarterly would probably be a good idea.

I realize it's April, but you might keep in mind after Christmas sales and take her shopping on Boxing Day (December 26th). There are a ton of sales and still plenty of merchandise in the store the week after Christmas, but people are returning lots of things on Boxing Day, so that's a good day to start. The fact that everything is on sale may spur her on to thinking that it's a good time to stock up.

Do you know where she has her hair done? I recommend that you get her gift cards to that place every 6-8 weeks. Make sure it includes enough for manicure, pedicure, hair cut, color, and a decent tip for the staff. You treat her to this. Tell her it's because she is beautiful and you want to take good care of her. It's not that you want her to be beautiful. She is beautiful and you want to take good care of your beautiful wife.

In order for your wife to feel confident, especially if she is already shy, you must show her in word and in deed that you love her, she is the only one you ever want, and you are fully committed to her and her well being. If she doesn't believe that, she will always be afraid that she's not enough for you.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

notmyrealname4 said:


> If we "go there", then the thread becomes much deeper than fashion style, or bedroom personas.
> 
> But it is kinda the elephant in the room.


Yes, it's rather important to establish whether there was cheating here...................


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

She's right. You're not into her.

My wife was like that, and still is. Funny thing, though, I didn't expect her to change how she dressed after I proposed to her. And she didn't.

It's my opinion your wife shouldn't be expected to "up her game" because you've decided you don't like her the way she was when you dated her, started having sex with her, proposed to her.

Oh well.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I'll take her.

Does she like to fish?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

There are a number of ways to open this jar of olives.

You have a gem...in the rough.
You have a beauty, not rough but firm smooth and curvy.
You have a ten....to yourself. Once she is free of her clothes all doubts of her beauty vanish.

If she dresses up. MORE heads will turn.
If she dresses up, more heads will stand up and seek to enter her garden.
If she dresses up, she will up her sex ranking, sex status. Yours, by comparison will wither...fall flat, and sag in comparison.

In my youth, I used to build "sleepers". One was an old station wagon with a huge motor [409], upgraded shocks, springs and brakes.
I installed four mufflers on them. Two muffers in series for each bank of four cylinders. Why? It was very quiet. Nobody knew what was under the hood.
I took out everything that added weight.


I could leave it in a dark parking lot in the Ghetto and nobody would steal the banged up thing.

Nobody knew what it was until I opened it up, the hood would jump up a foot.....leaving pretty Vettes and Purple Chargers in my dust.
.......................................................................................................................................................................................
Your wife is a sleeper. Much much more attractive than my [on the outside] clunkers. Your wife is above average looking.

But under the hood, Wow. She will blow the doors off those skinny azz models on New York streets and the 1/4 mile dolled up runways that they strut down.

On the sly, take her to nice restaurants, "as is". I would not care. 

You have a gem. Do not let another dude polish her up...put a shiny smile on her face.


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

Depends on her personality.

If she always wanted to dress up, but simply lacks the confidence, some of the above suggestions might work.

If you're just trying to change her to be more like your ex gfs, then any efforts will be a guaranteed flop.
Best to let her go and find someone with sex appeal.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

What I noted first on this thread was the fact the OP dated his wife just as she is. He enjoyed her fine then. He proposed to her then. She has not changed. 

The only thing that has changed is his expectation.

After he got married he now wants her to become a fashion model, I guess.

I just don't see how he should want that, or she should be expected to provide it. 

My wife wears no makeup at all. She didn't even wear makeup at our wedding. She never did during the years before I dated her. She didn't during the three months we dated. And she hasn't during our 43 years of marriage. I thought she looked great before I asked her out the first time, and before I proposed to her. I thought she looked great at the wedding, and every day since.

I do not understand how a guy can justify expecting a woman to change her ways and start being a totally different person after getting married. Did the OP discuss with his wife this expectation that she would have to become some other girl after the wedding before she accepted his proposal for marriage? Did he tell her, oh by the way you better start dressing up like you live in New York City after you get that wedding ring, babe.

Then in another thread if a woman does change after she gets married, a guy will complain bitterly about that!


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## seek&find (Apr 18, 2017)

Hope1964 said:


> OK, let me get this straight - you cheated on her early in your relationship? Or was this going from woman to woman before you and she were together?


I'm trying to say this without sounding like a self absorbed ****. I have been thinking about how I want to word it for two hours. I don't intend for this thread to turn into a debate on how big of an ******* I am or was. The only reason why I am saying this is because it might help my wife. 

I'm 4 years older than my wife. I met my wife in high school, she entered the year I was graduating. For about a year I flirted with her and got to know her. She was very shy and it took a lot of persuading. I saw it as a challenge and I didn't care that I took a year of working at it to get her clothes off. I was involved with other women and knew how to keep my wife interested and use her jealousy to my benefit. I toyed around with her and gave her enough to keep her around but we were not in a relationship. I didn't care what she wanted (a relationship) because I was getting what I wanted (sex) and kept her where I wanted her. She got pregnant at age 16/20, we still were not a couple. I kept seeing her, admittedly not as much. Like before, I kept seeing other women. The reason she got pregnant was because I got her drunk to try and loosen her up, the condom broke and I didn't tell her. Everyone at the high school my wife attended knew she was pregnant with my baby and knew she was just a "play thing" that was being led on. She was teased and harassed a lot and switched to online classes in the next term, I could have handled it better but instead did nothing. She always had a small group of friends, she was never popular but knew everyone and everyone knew her. I definitely failed her in that time. When our daughter was born I tried to be involved but wasn't as much as I should have been. When our daughter was 6 months old I had some sense knocked into me and started to get to know my wife as the mother of my child instead of a FWB. A while after (age 18/22) we (I; she always was) went exclusive and have been together for 7 years and married for 5. We have an 8 year old and 2 year old. For years I did a great job at making her feel like she wasn't good enough to commit to. When our daughter was born I did a great job at making her feel like she and our family still wasn't good enough or worth more than random hookups. I have tried to make that up to her but the past can never be erased. 

I have not slept with or had any other form of sexual contact with another woman since committing to be with her. I may have been an ******* but I didn't go that far. I can't say that I haven't cheated on her, because in her mind I have, in a way. If I were asked on a polygraph if I had ever cheated on her I would be conflicted because of how SHE feels. 



Keke24 said:


> If she's into working out, perhaps another great option is pole fitness classes. Not only will she get a bomb ass workout, it will help with her self confidence and work on her sexiness in a controlled setting with a group of like minded women. The pole fitness classes can also be sourced through groupon.


Thank you, that is a good idea. I'm going to see if we have that locally. I just looked it up and it is offered in our city, and they have a class for mothers. That might be something she'd like to try, especially with similar women. 



notmyrealname4 said:


> Well, it does sound like you appreciate your wife's good qualities. That is good; you don't take her for granted.
> 
> If she is insecure about your past experiences and that you continued being sexually involved with others, even after you were with her; then I'd be doubly, triply careful about asking her to change into something that even remotely resembles the women you used to chase and date. I can't begin to describe how painful that is---to feel like your S.O. wishes you were something else.
> 
> ...


The women that I use to engage with were the types that always had their hair, makeup, nails done, always wore revealing clothing, put out. You're right that I don't want my wife to feel like I am trying to turn her into one of them. She already feels like she isn't good enough or doesn't compare. I try to compliment her a lot and reassure her that I want her and only her. 

My wife is attractive. To be blunt, if she wasn't I wouldn't have had any interest in her many years ago. When I first saw her I was attracted to her, when I learned how shy she was it became a challenge for me to "get" her, when I "had" her I that is when I started to like who she was for more than just her body. No my finest moments but I can't change it now. You are right that if she had a different personality that blended in with the other women I saw, I probably wouldn't have focused on her so much. She has a lot of great qualities that other women I've known haven't come close to having. There was always something different about her that I wanted to figure out. I'm the lucky one that she wanted to and continues to want to be with me. 

I'd just like her to dress up sometimes, even just once a week on date nights. I don't want her to change everything about who she is. I don't want our marriage to get boring, stale, bland. 



Mollymolz said:


> Do you take her out a lot? Like on dates? I never get dressed up because I have no reason to.
> 
> Sent from my E6653 using Tapatalk


We spend 2 hours together every night when the kids are in bed and we go out on dates once a week. She doesn't want to go anywhere nice because she has nothing to wear, doesn't want to buy anything and it's too expensive (frugal). I would be happy with her just dressing nice once a week on date night. I'm not looking for her to a do a full transformation into a different person. 



_anonymous_ said:


> You might try teaching her what you like to in the bedroom. She has no clue about what you want. Buy her lingerie; let her know how you enjoy seeing her. If she doesn't know the right way to touch you, show her. As she learns what you want, she will become "more sexy", at least in the bedroom.
> 
> Sexiness outside of the bedroom is another story, especially for working women. Make-up and styling her hair take time; she might not have time for that on every day, and you should be mindful of that.
> 
> In the end, I would hope that you find other things about your wife "sexy" that aren't necessarily physical. There are a lot of emotional aspects of "sex appeal", and overall, I think it's either there or it isn't.


It can be difficult to guide her in the bedroom. She is not up for experimenting with different things like sex anywhere other than the bed, roleplaying, new positions. It would be nice, but it's fine. At least I'm getting regular sex, I suppose. She is very submissive. The problem with trying to guide her is that she thinks it's not feeling good for me and that I've never enjoyed it or immediately jumps to not being as good as other women. I have to be very careful how I work and initiate things. It's my fault, really. She doesn't like to do things that I have done with other women, like sex in certain places, or certain acts. I caused that on my own so I have no one to blame but myself. 

Her mornings are already rushed so I can understand that she wouldn't have time to do her hair and makeup before going to work. That's ok. I don't see her at work anyway. 



CynthiaDe said:


> Have you two worked through your infidelity? That hurts forever if it's not resolved. No wonder she thinks you want to have sex with someone else. You already proved through your actions that she wasn't/isn't enough for you. She's never going to shake that feeling if you don't continuously prove to her that you are faithful and only want her.
> 
> Tread very carefully. If you don't like her the way she is, she's going to think you will find someone else and based on what you wrote, she may be right. Do you think there is any reason for adultery?
> 
> ...


I technically have never been unfaithful to her, however she does not fully agree so the damage and feelings of inadequacy are the same. I have done some things, like showing her that I only want her, removing other women from my life, removing friends who encouraged a sleazy lifestyle, she has always had full access to my phone and computer if she felt the need to look - don't think she has in many years, we spend quality time together every day. We may not have done enough work on it. 

I have no desire to be unfaithful to my wife. None. I have enough self control, respect and love for my wife that even if a situation presented itself I wouldn't even think about taking it. I am much happier and much more fulfilled being with my wife than I ever was when I was hooking up with other women. My wife may not be the only woman I've dated, kissed or had sex with, but she is the only woman I've loved. To me, that trumps everything else. 

We spend usually 2 hours together every night after we put our kids to bed, and we go on a date once a week. Going out of town alone is harder, we haven't done so this year and I think once last year. Our son is still nursing and she hasn't wanted to leave him longer than 24 hours. My parents are going to take the kids for a few weekends this summer, hopefully. We do a family trip once a year (going down south, Europe, etc.). We try and learn something together but I haven't kept up at it. The most recent was archery. Sometimes I am not great at changing up our dates, doing what she wants to do or leaving the plan until the last minute. Or having our daily time always be quality time. My wife appreciates the time that we do spend together, it was a challenge in the beginning but all the time spent together really did help our relationship. 

I am going to go shopping with her and encourage her to find some new clothes. I'll try and keep Boxing Day in mind. If she doesn't want to I'll just have to accept that. I do know where she gets her hair done. She hasn't had it even cut since last September, when I bought her a gift card to have it done before a wedding we had to go to. She had her hair cut and coloured, eyebrows done and nails. If I keep getting her gift cards she might keep it up.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You said 
'She is beautiful without makeup, hair done and a sexy outfit, but sometimes it would be nice. I find that my eyes wander a lot.' 

You have a beautiful caring wife and mother, and yet you are still discontent. How sad. She is who she is, you married her that way. Discontentment is deadly for a marriage, and BTW, the eyes wandering part can easily be controlled by you, the eyes go no where unless you make them. Many men would be so happy with what you have. 

I don't get this thing some men have of their wives needing to wear make up. I am glad I have a husband who isn't like that. He loves me just the way I am. Please appreciate the many good things about her and be thankful. Thankfulness and gratitude are such positive and beneficial emotions, discontentment is so negative and will lead to bitterness and the poisoning of your marriage. The choice is yours. Change you thinking instead of trying to change who she is.


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## shrah25 (Mar 22, 2017)

seek&find said:


> I'd like to start this off by saying my wife is beautiful and I love her. I have no intention of forcing or pressuring her to change. She is a great wife, great mom and I'm lucky to have her.
> 
> My wife is the type of woman who wears leggings, a t-shirt and mismatched socks every day of her life. On a good day she puts on some skinny jeans and a t-shirt, maybe shorts if it's hot out. We met as teenagers and back then I didn't give a rats behind what she wore, as long as she would take it off . To work she wears scrubs, so between that and leggings I rarely see her in anything else. She wears the same pair of shoes until they are totally worn out.
> 
> ...



Hi @seek&find

Great post and thanks for your honesty. 

It's incredible how much this situation pops up and i've seen it so many times, not only in my own life, but also with clients and close friends. Sadly most of them go about addressing it in all the wrong ways and it just leads to even more frustration and a lack of passion.

There have been a number of great responses here and they all have really points but i'll give you my perspective based on what i've experienced. 

Firstly, I think it's great that you're calling this out now and are prepared to do something about it. You sound like a really lovely guy who loves his wife and doesn't want to be disrespectful towards her. That's a great approach and ensures you are moving in the right direction.

Secondly, it's easy to fall into the bracket of judging yourself for having these thoughts and not finding her as sexy as she was or could be. In my personal opinion, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It's natural for things to fade from time to time hence the importance of both parties making a conscious effort to grow the relationship on all levels. I'll mention here that this also applies to her view of you as well...

There have been some really good ideas here on things that you can do so I won't repeat them but what i'll say here is that, you need to make a conscious effort to make her feel as sexy as possible. Reaffirm her as much as you possibly can and do it again and again and again until she absolutely believes it. Then, in addition to that, when the right moment comes, it's important to communicate some of your desires in a way that doesn't make her feel like you don't find her attractive for how she is. This can be a bit tricky because i've seen a lot of people slip up on it but an approach that has worked for me is something like "hun, I love that blue dress you have. You look so gorgeous in it! Would you put it on the next time we go out?". Now i'm not saying this will work for everyone but it did for my wife because it was more focussed on the positive, rather than the negative (ie I don't like how you look when you wear X). We actually had a chat about this a few months back and she said that the key to the way I communicated it was that I did it in a way that still allowed me to accept her unconditionally. If you can strike the right balance here, I have no doubt that you can turn this around. 

Finally, be patient with it. Always come from a place of love and let that guide the way for you. As long as fear kicks in, the situation becomes really difficult but as long as you continue to find more and more ways to serve her and meet her needs, whilst communicating your own needs, then i'm certain that there will be a level of reciprocity that you are looking for.

Hope that all makes sense.

Any questions, please let me know.

Thanks
Sri


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## touatitoconsulty (Apr 3, 2017)

Keke24 said:


> How about a mommy day/weekend? You can treat her to a spa visit, follow up with a surprise outfit and date night.
> 
> She says she doesn't know how to do makeup and her hair sucks, both of which may be true. I don't blame her with regards to the make up, have you tried it? Seriously, I've sat down with how-to videos and it's still difficult. If she's that young with 2 kids, she hasn't even had the time to do that much less sit around trying to figure it out herself. Same goes for the hair. So again, how about you surprise her with a make-up class and a trip to a good hairdresser? You can find both of these options on groupon.
> 
> You know her size by now, try buying her something nice. Sites like asos (online store) will let you buy, try and return without much hassle.


Keke24 advised you full option and with no Vat. May God Bless her. Now just put it on practice and do not ask your wife more than she knows. Offer her the dress and the look you want by paying those services with your own money. You will have a queen at home.. But keep carefull to lose the hard work wife and mother aspect... You will regret that too. 

Trimis de pe al meu Vodafone Smart 4 max folosind Tapatalk


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

seek&find said:


> I'd like to start this off by saying my wife is beautiful and I love her. I have no intention of forcing or pressuring her to change. She is a great wife, great mom and I'm lucky to have her.
> 
> My wife is the type of woman who wears leggings, a t-shirt and mismatched socks every day of her life. On a good day she puts on some skinny jeans and a t-shirt, maybe shorts if it's hot out. We met as teenagers and back then I didn't give a rats behind what she wore, as long as she would take it off . To work she wears scrubs, so between that and leggings I rarely see her in anything else. She wears the same pair of shoes until they are totally worn out.


*EDITED - Never mind, I read the rest of the thread. Get ahold of yourself. That is all.


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

Honestly, since your wife spent the early part of her relationship with you competing and losing against these other women that you find so wonderfully attractive, and knows that you mostly view her as less than, I doubt she has any motivation whatsoever to become more like your dream girls.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

seek&find said:


> I find that my eyes wander a lot.


What a load of horse**** - as though your eyes *wouldn't* glance at other women if she threw on some makeup. Stop blaming her for crap you do anyway.



> Same goes for the bedroom, she doesn't know how to be sexy. I have told her that I don't like dirty talk, really I don't like it coming from her. It just sounds so unnatural. She isn't good at being sexy with her body, or taking charge. I have a more colorful sexual past than she does (I'm her only partner) and sometimes I miss the woman who did ooze sex appeal and who could get me going without even touching me.


I think the thing that's changed more than anything else is your *perception* of her. You talk about all the jack rabbit sex you had when you were younger, but you* also* state you've seen her in a dress only FOUR times since you met her. Therefore, I'm assuming she wasn't constantly all dolled up wearing dresses while 'oooozing' all this sexuality, causing all your passion back then. Those were your hormones doing that. 

As is the case with most humans, you eventually move out of that stage. That's LIFE. But because you want that thrill of passion and abandon back, you're now blaming HER for it.

Aside from whining, what exactly are YOU doing to bring some passion back to your sex life?


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

I'm obsessed with hair and make-up and even I don't always have the time or energy to do or put it on. I don't even have children so I imagine your wife is 10x busier than I am. She doesn't seem like she enjoys the process, either which will make it pretty difficult to get her to do it. She may not enjoy it, however, because she doesn't have the time or the skill and this is where you come in... 

My husband and I have an agreement: On Saturdays that we're to go out I do very little housework that day. It's MY day to lock myself in the bathroom with a few good shows, my flat iron, extensions and make-up bag. It was difficult to get into the mood at first because he was always bothering me and I just thought, F it. Us women have a zone we like to be in while beautifying. Now that we have a smooth system I can literally watch an entire movie or 2 shows with no interruptions and it's heaven. It's my favourite part of the weekend, even though I wake up extra early because we only have 1 bathroom and I don't feel it's fair to lock him out of it all day. He even goes and gets me coffee while I work.

The next time you have an event do this! Tell her the bathroom is hers because you'd like her to take the time to put herself together without worrying about the house and other crap. I actually think it's OK to say "you'd like her" because that's the truth. She may not react well at first, but I think that's because this is all new territory and new territory at that. Just remind her that you find her attractive, but you WOULD like more effort on her part and you feel you can help her have the time to put in said effort. 

Last thing I suggest you do: Get her an Ipsy subscription and make it a total surprise. It's about $20/month and you get a bag of make-up and other products to try out. It just makes the process more fun. (I can help you with filling out her profile because there are tricks to get better products.) That bag coming every month reminds me that I can have a new bit of make-up to try!

I feel like this is a very calm, respectful and fun approach. It seems like you've had conversations which is good, but now you need to DO something. When my husband starts doing house stuff or any other things that MUST be done on the Saturday we have plans without me reminding him I'm on Cloud 9 because I know I can really enjoy pulling myself together.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

seek&find said:


> I'm trying to say this without sounding like a self absorbed ****. I have been thinking about how I want to word it for two hours. I don't intend for this thread to turn into a debate on how big of an ******* I am or was. The only reason why I am saying this is because it might help my wife.


Too late. You've established yourself back then as a complete asshat. I avoided low lives like you in high school - you could spot them a mile away.

And who are you trying to KID that you're trying to help _HER_? You're trying to help yourself.



> When our daughter was born I did a great job at making her feel like she and our family still wasn't good enough or worth more than random hookups. I have tried to make that up to her but the past can never be erased.


Why she even chose to have this baby with or without you boggles my mind. Why she chose to continue any type of contact with you boggles my mind. Why she chose to marry you makes my friggen head explode. Where the hell was her* pride*? I hope one day she finds it, I truly do. 



> I'd just like her to dress up sometimes, even just once a week on date nights. I don't want her to change everything about who she is. I don't want our marriage to get boring, stale, bland.


Sorry Bud. You don't get to change the rules now when you *always *knew exactly who she was. This just kind of falls under the category of "too bad, so sad' ... for you.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

Your wife is a rarity. There are plenty of us guys who LOVE women who are so comfortable with who they are in their own skin that they don't own any makeup and have no desire to dress up. Nothing more sexy than a woman with that level of self-confidence.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You said your wife doesn't think you love her, and I think she's right. You SAY you do, but your past actions have proven otherwise.

Now you need to step up to the plate and prove it to her, OVER and OVER. You cheated on her. Call it what you will, but that's what you did. That is the kind of trauma that affects people for DECADES after it happens. It causes PTSD (google PISD if you want to find out more) And instead of apologizing and being remorseful, you're telling her SHE needs to change and become more attractive for you.

SHAME on you.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

seek&find said:


> I'm 4 years older than my wife. I met my wife in high school, she entered the year I was graduating. For about a year I flirted with her and got to know her. She was very shy and it took a lot of persuading. I saw it as a challenge and I didn't care that I took a year of working at it to get her clothes off. I was involved with other women and knew how to keep my wife interested and use her jealousy to my benefit. I toyed around with her and gave her enough to keep her around but we were not in a relationship. I didn't care what she wanted (a relationship) because I was getting what I wanted (sex) and kept her where I wanted her. She got pregnant at age 16/20, we still were not a couple. I kept seeing her, admittedly not as much. Like before, I kept seeing other women. The reason she got pregnant was because I got her drunk to try and loosen her up, the condom broke and I didn't tell her. Everyone at the high school my wife attended knew she was pregnant with my baby and knew she was just a "play thing" that was being led on. She was teased and harassed a lot and switched to online classes in the next term, I could have handled it better but instead did nothing. She always had a small group of friends, she was never popular but knew everyone and everyone knew her. I definitely failed her in that time. When our daughter was born I tried to be involved but wasn't as much as I should have been. When our daughter was 6 months old I had some sense knocked into me and started to get to know my wife as the mother of my child instead of a FWB. A while after (age 18/22) we (I; she always was) went exclusive and have been together for 7 years and married for 5. We have an 8 year old and 2 year old. For years I did a great job at making her feel like she wasn't good enough to commit to. When our daughter was born I did a great job at making her feel like she and our family still wasn't good enough or worth more than random hookups. I *have tried to make that up to her but the past can never be erased. *



That's right. The past, your behavior, your message to her that she was not worthy and too inadequate cannot be erased.








> The women that I use to engage with were the types that always had their hair, makeup, nails done, always wore revealing clothing, put out. You're right that I don't want my wife to feel like I am trying to turn her into one of them. She already feels like she isn't good enough or doesn't compare. I try to compliment her a lot and reassure her that I want her and only her.
> 
> My wife is attractive. To be blunt, if she wasn't I wouldn't have had any interest in her many years ago. When I first saw her I was attracted to her, when I learned how shy she was it became a challenge for me to "get" her, when I "had" her I that is when I started to like who she was for more than just her body. No my finest moments but I can't change it now. You are right that if she had a different personality that blended in with the other women I saw, I probably wouldn't have focused on her so much. She has a lot of great qualities that other women I've known haven't come close to having. There was always something different about her that I wanted to figure out. *I'm the lucky one that she wanted to and continues to want to be with me. *



You sure are! 




> I'd just like her to dress up sometimes, even just once a week on date nights. I don't want her to change everything about who she is. I don't want our marriage to get boring, stale, bland.



Come on now let's be honest here. You are bored. You find your wife boring. You want excitement, you want challenge, you want new. M not beating you up on this. This is a common feeling in married people. It's transient though. Remember that. It's transient, not a permanent state of being. You have the power to change this without your wife doing a blessed thing different.







> It can be difficult to guide her in the bedroom. She is not up for experimenting with different things like sex anywhere other than the bed, roleplaying, new positions. It would be nice, but it's fine. At least I'm getting regular sex, I suppose.
> 
> She is very submissive. The problem with trying to guide her is that she thinks it's not feeling good for me and that I've never enjoyed it or immediately jumps to not being as good as other women. I have to be very careful how I work and initiate things. It's my fault, really. She doesn't like to do things that I have done with other women, like sex in certain places, or certain acts. I *caused that on my own so I have no one to blame but myself. *


Again, not trying to beat you up but want you to notice that you are taking responsibility for having caused issues, but not taking responsibility for FIXING issues!

He vibe you're giving is that you want sex in new and exciting ways. But the vibe she feels from you is the same old same olde...she doesn't measure up, she isn't your first choice and the only reason you two are together is because you knocked her up. You've admitted this. 

Why would a woman go to all the trouble of leaving her comfort zone, and being comfortable leaving said comfort zone, for the guy who married her because he knocked her up?

If you want sex in the car, you have to convince her you want HER right then right there. Big distinction between wanting HER and wanting sex. You've taught your wife that yo want sex through out your entire relationship. You've taught her that she is easily swapped out for any other piece of ass. You've taught her that you want to get your rocks off and she is the only available orifice....you being an upstanding man and being faithful now a days, you have no other option but her. Oooh yeah.... being the only choice available makes me hot! NOT!





> My wife may not be the only woman I've dated, kissed or had sex with, but she is the only woman I've loved. To me, that trumps everything else.


BINGO! Yes it does! It trumps everything else. But your wife hasn't received the message that she is your only choice because she is the only one you love or have every loved. You need to give her that message. I've and over and over and over and then over and over again.



> We spend usually 2 hours together every night after we put our kids to bed, and we go on a date once a week. Going out of town alone is harder, we haven't done so this year and I think once last year. Our son is still nursing and she hasn't wanted to leave him longer than 24 hours. My parents are going to take the kids for a few weekends this summer, hopefully. We do a family trip once a year (going down south, Europe, etc.). We try and learn something together but I haven't kept up at it. The most recent was archery. Sometimes I am not great at changing up our dates, doing what she wants to do or leaving the plan until the last minute. Or having our daily time always be quality time. My wife appreciates the time that we do spend together, it was a challenge in the beginning but all the time spent together really did help our relationship.


This is excellent! Very very good!

Ive been married almost 32 years and I wish I knew then:

1. Quality time means you are not talking about the kids, the house, or the family. 

2. *Taking couples only vacations are more important for your family than taking family vacations. * Raising little ones is totally consuming. So consuming it is easy to completely forget that we are a person beyond our role as parent. When we lose sight of who we are beyond our role as parent, we are unable to connect with our partner beyond their role as co-parent. The answer is to get physically away from the role as parent and for a lot of women that means out of the house, away from the kids, for at least several days. Because it takes a day or so to step out of the parent role and back into our other person. And in your wife's case, she never got to become the adult person because she was a mother long before she was an adult. 

3. Hobbies, past times, finding meaning beyond parenting is absolutely vital. Not just for the marriage but for the whole person, who one day will lose the job of parent and be left with a whole, or a whole person they don't know too well.





> I am going to go shopping with her and encourage her to find some new clothes. I'll try and keep Boxing Day in mind. If she doesn't want to I'll just have to accept that. I do know where she gets her hair done. She hasn't had it even cut since last September, when I bought her a gift card to have it done before a wedding we had to go to. She had her hair cut and coloured, eyebrows done and nails. If I keep getting her gift cards she might keep it up.


I like this idea, but I would like this idea a lot better if it took place during a vacation away from the kids.



You and your marriage are in a transition stage right now. You need to keep in mind that once your wife develops the sexual confidence you yearn for, she may look around and decide she'd rather have a man who makes her feel cherished instead of the man who makes her feel like she doesn't measure up to other women. Keep that in mind as you tweak her wardrobe and grooming.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

wild jade said:


> Depends on her personality.
> 
> If she always wanted to dress up, but simply lacks the confidence, some of the above suggestions might work.
> 
> ...


Marriage shouldn't be based just on looks. its a commitment made for better and for worse. Promises made for life. He is a married men, he isnt free to seek another woman. He has children, responsibilities.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

So basically you cheated quite a few times when she was caring for your baby. You are fortunate she even wants to be with you. If you wanted a woman who dresses like a s**t, they you should have married one. 
You have so much and yet you complain that she isn't like those women with their casual morals. You got her pregnant and married her and now you don't want her as she is. Poor woman. I feel for her so much.:frown2:


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

It could be a self esteem issue so be sensitive. I've suffered from low self esteem and I felt better in my "comfort" zone of clothes and makeup. Sometimes when a women with low self esteem takes time to make herself look better it can actually make her feel worse if she doesn't like what she sees. If she just throws on skinny jeans and a cute t-shirt she doesn't really care and therefore she doesn't make herself feel bad because she is not drawing attention to herself if that makes sense. 

I also suggest a spa day. Tell her she is a hardworking mother and she deserves to pamper herself. Don't make her think it's because you don't like the way she looks. 
My mother and myself are like your wife. Everyone comes first so our wardrobe suffers the most and we don't have any cute nice clothes. When my husband takes me out somewhere nice and I have to look forever to find something my husband gets mad and says please go out and buy some nice clothes so we don't have to do this every time I want to take you out. I appreciate this because he is not saying your not attractive you don't have attractive clothes but you just need new clothes.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Sounds very similar to a long term GF I had back in my mid 20s. 

She was nice looking and fit but always dressed in jeans and tshirt (only time I ever saw her in a dress in the 5 years we were together was when she was a bridesmaid at her sister's wedding) very minimal if any make up. no jewelry or accessories. only time I ever saw her in heels or anything was the wedding mentioned above. 

She was a good lover but refused to do anything the least bit naughty or pornish (is pornish a word? LOL) Refused to wear any kind of lingerie or sexy stockings etc to bed. I have a bit of a foot fetish and I talked her into painting her toenails a couple times in 5 years but she said she felt awkward and that it looked dumb. 

She was more at home watching a Cornhusker game with the guys than shopping or looking through a fashion mag with the girls. 

I admit I had some yearnings and did look sideways at some pretty girls with their make up, mini skirts, pedicures and high heels, but she was a good GF and we got along well. 

Then one day she met someone else that she clicked with better and who must've appreciated her style better and she left me.....

...... for another woman :surprise:


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## seek&find (Apr 18, 2017)

I talked to my wife late last night. We don't often talk about the past because she gets upset, it's humiliating for me and she doesn't like to go back there. My wife feels like what I did to her was worse than cheating, because she had to sit back and watch and couldn’t do anything about it. She had to try and fight for me and prove herself to me as more worthy than a long line of *****s (her words). Her self worth went down the toilet when she became just another notch on my belt (also her words). Having sex in various places would make her feel like a ***** and she doesn’t want to have any resemblance to those women. She knew I was bad news when she first saw me but couldn’t stay away (again, her words). 

I do not want my wife to do anything that is going to make her feel poorly about herself. 

Sometimes I worry that one day my wife will want to be with a man she doesn’t have a crappy past with, someone she can start fresh with. Or that she will want to experience other men and dating and wonder what else is out there. She missed out on a lot in life. At 16 she had to become an adult and regular teenager and university experiences were out the window. She worries that one day I will revert back to my old self, so I guess we are even there. 

If I had to choose between my wife wearing leggings and a t-shirt and being happy, or doing the whole works and being unhappy, I will choose the happy wife. She has never said that she doesn't want to do her hair, wear makeup, dress nicer. She says she doesn't know how to or doesn't have the stuff needed to do it. So, I'll provide that for her and if she still doesn't want to utilize it then that's ok. 

I do not expect my wife to walk around like a runway model (who even wears that crap anyway?). Heck, even just some different coloured or patterned leggings with some new tops and shoes could change it all up. She can look "fashionable" while wearing leggings, if that is what she wants to do.


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## seek&find (Apr 18, 2017)

I know that I hurt her. The person who I was 9, 10, 11 years is not who I am today. I was an *******, a prick, a *********, a jackass, a massive piece of **** and a “player”. I was a master at manipulation and that is not a good skill to have if you want to be a decent human being. I knew how to keep her hooked and I took advantage of her. Refer back two sentences. I am _not_ proud of the man I was. Occasionally old photos and videos pop up from that time period, the amount of disgust, regret and humiliation I feel is huge. I was so proud of who I was back then, there was nothing to be proud of. My 3 closest friends from that time in my life are all in prison, that says enough. 

My daughter made me want to change. When I went to see her and realized all of a sudden she was smiling, laughing, sitting, eating and trying to crawl, I realized what I was trading my daughter for. I did not want to miss out on my daughters life because I was too busy sticking my **** where it didn’t belong. I didn’t want _that_ to be the example that I set for my daughter. I don’t want my daughter to become one of _those_ girls who spread their legs for any boy who shows them attention. My daughter is the light of my life. Respecting and loving my daughter also meant respecting her mother. I took the time to get to know her as a human being, a friend, a co-parent, there was no intention to develop a romantic relationship or marry her. That happened with time. 

I was with many women before her, but I chose _her_. She is _far_ better than any other woman who has been in my life. If I could do it all over again, I would choose her a million times over. It was not always easy to change my ways. She was worth it. My daughter was worth it. What we have now was worth it. We stopped having sex (of any form) for a year before we married because my wife wanted to know I could. 

She is not the only woman I’ve been intimate with, but she is the _last_ one I will be intimate with. She is not the only woman I have dated, but she is the woman I married. She is the only woman I have loved and said those words to. She is the only woman I have shown my true self to. She is the only woman I have truly let in to every nook and cranny of who I am. She is the only woman I have ever really cared about. She is the most beautiful woman on this planet to me, because of who she is. The two most important women in my life made me want to be a better man, for them. 

So, it is correct that if my wife didn’t get pregnant or chose abortion that I probably wouldn’t be with her or be the man I am now. However, I did not marry her because I knocked her up. I married her because I took the time to get to know her, fall in love with her, to cherish her. The situation led to that, it did not force it. 

Maybe I am getting some backlash now of my past creeping up on me. I use to love the chase, excitement, new things. I tried to forget that and change that, maybe I cannot. Maybe I just suppressed it. Maybe this is just a phase. Maybe it is something that I have to live with. I have made plenty of mistakes along the way, maybe my expectations are one of them. Maybe I need to reevaluate my expectations or find other ways to add change and excitement to our marriage. 

I am going to encourage her to go for a spa day, get some new clothes - of whatever variety she wants, pamper herself because she *deserves* it. I will treat her to things because she deserves it. To the poster who mentioned the subscription box, that is a good idea. If anything, just to get her something but giving her things to try might be enjoyable for her. She loves subscription boxes, both our kids, each of our dogs, hell even our kids rats get one for gods sake. She deserves one too. 

I love my wife. I don’t want any other woman but my wife. I know with every ounce of my being that I am incredibly lucky that she has anything to do with me and that she even allowed me into our daughter’s life. Whatever her reasons are, I am thankful for that. Any man would be lucky to have her. She is not my only choice, she is the only woman that I want.


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## heartbroken50 (Aug 9, 2016)

seek&find said:


> I know that I hurt her. The person who I was 9, 10, 11 years is not who I am today. I was an *******, a prick, a *********, a jackass, a massive piece of **** and a “player”. I was a master at manipulation and that is not a good skill to have if you want to be a decent human being. I knew how to keep her hooked and I took advantage of her. Refer back two sentences. I am _not_ proud of the man I was. Occasionally old photos and videos pop up from that time period, the amount of disgust, regret and humiliation I feel is huge. I was so proud of who I was back then, there was nothing to be proud of. My 3 closest friends from that time in my life are all in prison, that says enough.
> 
> My daughter made me want to change. When I went to see her and realized all of a sudden she was smiling, laughing, sitting, eating and trying to crawl, I realized what I was trading my daughter for. I did not want to miss out on my daughters life because I was too busy sticking my **** where it didn’t belong. I didn’t want _that_ to be the example that I set for my daughter. I don’t want my daughter to become one of _those_ girls who spread their legs for any boy who shows them attention. My daughter is the light of my life. Respecting and loving my daughter also meant respecting her mother. I took the time to get to know her as a human being, a friend, a co-parent, there was no intention to develop a romantic relationship or marry her. That happened with time.
> 
> ...




You might consider hand writing the first few paragraphs and the last paragraph of what you just posted and giving it to your wife. What a beautiful heartfelt love letter. Perhaps with the spa-day gift cards.

The nice thing about writing it down is she can go back and read it over again when she needs a reminder of your feelings. 

I'm a simple leggings and tee shirt kind of girl too. As a busy working mom comfort is important... but different colors, maybe tops that scoop a little can spice it up enough to keep you happy and her in her comfort zone. 

Mr HB was always a boob man... he gradually encouraged me by pointing out something that he thought would look good on me (usually a bit low cut) in a casual way that never made me feel like he was trying to change me. 

He also opened me up to prettier underwear. I'm a CSA survivor, so not so in tune with my sexuality until I had therapy, and was pretty utilitarian in my undergarment choices when we first dated. He encouraged me by pointing out items in a catalog that he thought would be sexy on me. He reminded me that nobody else would get to see it but him. His reaction when I obliged made me a convert. He made me feel so sexy and desired, which made me more adventurous and confident in bed.

I've recently discovered the benefits of spa days as well... just from a relaxation standpoint you should do this for her... just to let her know you appreciate her and she deserves to be pampered.

Good luck!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

seek&find said:


> Sending her for a spa day might be a good idea. She has never gone before. I have offered but she hasn't wanted to. She is a person who will do anything for everyone else, but nothing for herself. She would rather spend that time, money, energy, with me and/or our kids. For birthdays and holidays she has never wanted anything, if she was given money from someone it was spent on us or the kids.
> 
> She was 17 when she had our first child, so I can understand that she missed out on a good chunk of her teenage years. I was older and almost done college so I didn't miss that time like she did. That also made her very frugal. Given the situation money was tight. We are very comfortable now and can afford the luxuries but she has always stayed in the mindset of "I'd rather take the kids _____ or put money in their college funds than spend X amount of money on clothes, expensive dates, hair, etc.". I appreciate that she isn't a woman (person) who blows money. Our youngest child is 2 and I love him dearly but TBH he is a little **** right now. My wife would appreciate some time away I'm sure.
> 
> ...


If she does not want to do a spa day for herself, get a date spa day... you go too. It can be a lot of fun and it would get her there. she just might find that she likes it.

Does she have any friends who you can talk to ? Maybe tell them that you want to spoil her with a spa day Spa date ask that friend to help by having them encourage her to try it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

heartbroken50 said:


> You might consider hand writing the first few paragraphs and the last paragraph of what you just posted and giving it to your wife. What a beautiful heartfelt love letter. Perhaps with the spa-day gift cards.
> 
> The nice thing about writing it down is she can go back and read it over again when she needs a reminder of your feelings.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

I was thinking EXACTLY this as I read what you wrote. Your wife NEEDS to hear this and she NEEDS to be able to hear it over and over and over.

When my husband cheated, he wrote me an apology letter that I kept in my purse for about a year? I think, and I took it out to read every time I needed to.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:
> 
> I was thinking EXACTLY this as I read what you wrote. Your wife NEEDS to hear this and she NEEDS to be able to hear it over and over and over.
> 
> When my husband cheated, he wrote me an apology letter that I kept in my purse for about a year? I think, and I took it out to read every time I needed to.


Yes, this is good.

And one or more of the below:

The letter was very creased, very crinkly after being unfolded and refolded so many times.
Was very tear stained, the letters smeared.
Certain words underlined.
Sarcastic words in the margin.

Any snot nose bubbles dripped on the paper were from his nose.....not yours!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

One more thing that your wife should consider.

SHE should tell you that SHE will wear foundation, makeup, and eyeliner when YOU put some on your ugly mug.

Just like in the olden days of King Louis XIV of France.

What?


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## dawnabon (Mar 11, 2017)

Ok OP I like you a lot better after your last reply LOL. 

Two questions:

Have you guys ever had counseling to talk about the issues from the past? 
And
How much kid-free time does your wife get? 

It's hard to get out of mom mode when you never have a break. My husband (who is now my estranged husband) accused me of always being in mom mode but he almost never helped me with the kids. Not saying that's the case in your house, just putting it out there. 

And please, do be careful not to blame her when your eye wanders. That's greasing the slippery slope right there. 

Good luck to you both, I hope you are able to have some mutually satisfying conversations on this topic! 

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


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## _409_Conflict (Jul 11, 2017)

dude... I'm in a similar situation but w/o kids. oh, and separated since three weeks now.

lovely wife, who I always found gorgeous-looking in bed. clever. we can talk for hours. quite compatible. but clumsy, with no regard for looks and appearances, a prototypical geek. not on the spectrum or anything, just very much living in her head. and loving me... the guy who was single for so long. no nagging, no fighting...

and what do I do? I find the clumsiness a turn-off, the lack of initiative, the lack of dirty thoughts in bed. i feel like we're not on the same level, and that she's lacking.

I'm like a commitophobe that's been living in a committed relationship for 9 years. never cheated. but never let go of the doubts. until they finally came crashing down on me and on us.

you have to ask yourself why you can't be happy with what you have. the perfect partner doesn't exist, that should be clear. and there's nothing wrong with gently proposing a change, but you need to really understand why you cannot be content with something that so many others would dream of. kids, a wife that took care of them for you and that it still young and beautiful. You say you love her but you came to the realisation after somebody "literally smacked sense into you". That's not how love comes about... 

I might be wrong, but I don't think this is about her as much as it's about you. Find out what you want and why. How you picture yourself and your marriage when the kids are out the house. I know that I would probably find something else to criticize if my wife suddenly became a perfect 10. Or I would start feeling inferior and become resentful, because I'm that way. And I need to work on that if I ever want to be happy in this life. 

What about you?


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