# Why do we trust......



## giashasa2012 (Aug 16, 2012)

Do we trust our partner because we love him/her or because we do believe that we are loved by him/her?

I believe it's the last . And for that reason i believe that even after reconciliation the BS will never trust 100% again because there will be always doubts about the quality of the love that the WS feels for the BS


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## HopelesslyJaded (Aug 14, 2012)

I think it's the latter as well. You trust because you believe in their love for you.

This may seem off topic but I think it's relative. During our exposure to swinging I noticed the majority of swingers were not on their first marriage. Hence I really believe that a lot of people who remarry never completely trust 100% (no matter what crap the lifestylers spill about having more trust than vanilla relationships). I believe they keep a large part of themselves guarded in the new relationship therefore making swinging easier for them to do. 

This is my opinion anyways.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Neither, I trust people who have demonstrated integrity and who do what they say they will do. Love is an emotion that is separate from trust. There are people whom I love but don't trust and people whom I love and trust completely.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

I trusted because I had unrealistic notions of love. The affair was like telling me Santa isn't real.

Post affair, we love each other but I know it is fragile. That's a good thing overall...keeps us working at the relationship. I still miss Santa sometimes though.


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## giashasa2012 (Aug 16, 2012)

Santa isn't real. When myths are deconstructed our reality loses something , reality becomes dull.

Sadly we need myths , we need the illusion it makes life bearable ,it makes living intense. 

When Santa dies our reality becomes a desert.

Welcome to the desert of the real


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Trust is always conditional. Faith in someone however isn’t. Pure and simple. If you lacked faith in a person, you wouldn’t be married to them. I found my lack in faith of my wayward wife to protect and secure the marriage is a harsher blow than the lack of trust I have with her.. Everyone lies for a lot of various reasons. I can deal with and understand about being lied to and those ‘why’s’. Having absolute faith in the protection of the marriage though.... only you and your spouse vow to each other. That is what is really broken. Faith is based on love and honor.

So, don’t focus entirely on 100% restoration of trust; You can’t get that because you know they will lie at some point for some reason like sparing your feelings; “No, you don’t look fat in those jeans.!”. Work instead at 100% restoration of the faith you have in your spouse that they will protect, honor and cherish the marriage above all else.

At least thinking in these terms helps me.


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## giashasa2012 (Aug 16, 2012)

No work needed i choose to walk away.
I cut the gordian knot and not to solve it


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

giashasa2012 said:


> Do we trust our partner because we love him/her or because we do believe that we are loved by him/her?
> 
> I believe it's the last . And for that reason i believe that even after reconciliation the BS will never trust 100% again because there will be always doubts about the quality of the love that the WS feels for the BS


I believe that marriage is about love and respect. Trust is a by product. Blind trust is naive, lazy and / or ambivalent.

But for sure the amount of trust we have depends not just on the person but in the situation. Many disagree with this and I am fine that they disagree. I have lived enough in life to see that situations matter much. 

A spouse putting themselves in risky situations and who say just trust me cannot be trusted. They are trusting that their character and their feelings about a situation is enough of a boundry. That is naive, egotistical and disengenuous. Sometimes they re just lying but I am talking about those who do mean well. Not serial cheaters. People who learn from their bad choices.

I think trust can come from transparency and from a track record of good boundaries that do not slide. But again, love and respect are what matters. Pertnaers can look out for one another. In fact it takes true intimacy to do this. I think this works for marriage whether there has been infidelity or not. Marriage is work.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

giashasa2012 said:


> No work needed i choose to walk away.
> To cut the gordian knot and not to solve it


If my wife had a PA I would walk away. If she had a an EA it would depend on the circumstances. I was the one who was in the EA. We both learned from this so the room for error is tighter for both of us because there is no longer any naivete about it.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

giashasa2012 said:


> No work needed i choose to walk away.
> To cut the gordian knot and not to solve it


This works if either you choose to be alone, or if you believe there are people out there who are 100% trustworthy, or if you plan to practice some form of serial monogamy.

Otherwise you have to learn to live with imperfect relationships.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Oh, and to clarify it a bit...
Trust to me is your ability to predict behavior. This is based on past experiences with this person and using it to project into that crystal ball. As our waywards have added this new experience, you won’t be able to just ‘overlook’ or ‘forget’ about this past. It will continue to influence your perception. You might be able to make that horrible past be a glitch on the radar, but none the less, it will always be there and you will always watch the radar.

Faith though is different. Some of it is based on trust and experience. The rest comes from within based on your gut and heart.. It is an emotional choice. A leap of faith into the unknown. There is also a recognition that there are risk associated with faith. Grey... not black and white. A choice based on something deeper and a lot less definable. Faith will waiver, be tested, etc. and much easier to accept it is this way than blind trust is. Trust is just more black and white and ‘rational’. Faith is scary, irrational, and produces butterflies in your belly. Do you have enough faith to give R a chance is the real question?


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> If my wife had a PA I would walk away. If she had a an EA it would depnd on the circumstances. I was the one who the EA. We both learned for this so the room for error is tighter for both of us because there is no longer any naivete about it.


I think the same, but I guess if the circumstances for a future affair were sufficiently different from the past I might be flexible.

I forgave a PA. That's a personal thing. To me the most devastating aspects of my wife's affair were the emotional rather than physical connection with OM, though both hurt.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

I trust be cause I _want_ to trust. I _need_ to trust. It's all about me.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

giashasa2012 said:


> Do we trust our partner because we love him/her or because we do believe that we are loved by him/her?
> 
> I believe it's the last . And for that reason i believe that even after reconciliation the BS will never trust 100% again because there will be always doubts about the quality of the love that the WS feels for the BS


It's a really thought provoking question.

I agree it's the latter point. I have often said that you can't go through life without trusting people - even if you are proved wrong every single time.

I believe trust is about the way you see the world, not how the world treats you. 

Perhaps it is better to trust and learn how to deal with your trust being broken than to learn how to live without trust.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

I trust because I have the need to share myself in my entirety with someone else. ME ME ME


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Disenchanted said:


> I trust because I have the need to share myself in my entirety with someone else. ME ME ME


Is there any such thing as a selfless act? We only do things for others because it makes *us* feel good.

So of course we trust because it makes 'us' feel good. Why else would you do it?


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Disenchanted said:


> I trust because I have the need to share myself in my entirety with someone else. ME ME ME


But how does that work?

I have the same need, yet I know logically that noone is 100% trustworthy....including me...I don't aways do what I believe to be right.

Therefore I trust but there is always some reservation.

Do you trust 100%? Or do you hold something in reserve? Or do you believe the person you trust is 100% trustworthy?

If you have a good answer to that question it could probably transform my life!!!!! 

:toast:


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

Wazza said:


> But how does that work?
> 
> I have the same need, yet I know logically that noone is 100% trustworthy....including me...I don't aways do what I believe to be right.
> 
> ...


I found out, when I learned that my wife gave what was supposed to be only mine, to someone else, that I trusted 100%. 

Trusting means becoming vulnerable. I am a very strong person, but my wife totally destroyed me because, and only because, I trusted her 100% with my heart.

Will I trust again?

YES.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Wazza said:


> I think the same, but I guess if the circumstances for a future affair were sufficiently different from the past I might be flexible.
> 
> I forgave a PA. That's a personal thing. To me the most devastating aspects of my wife's affair were the emotional rather than physical connection with OM, though both hurt.


Indeed it is personal choice. I could not forgive a PA. That is just too far for me. EAs often lead to PAs bit not always. I get that EAs can be as devastating but that is why I say it depends. There is just no plausible denial with actually having sex with someone. That said, I do not judge others on how they feel about this. I am just not willing to go that far. I would not expect anyone to go that far for me either.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Wazza said:


> But how does that work?
> 
> I have the same need, yet I know logically that noone is 100% trustworthy....including me...I don't aways do what I believe to be right.
> 
> ...


I totally agree here. I had total trust in myself and learned under the right circumstances I could be fooled. That made me realize that we are all fallable and that blind trust was a tad lazy IMO. I think while not perfect a good way to hedge our bets against this is to listen to our spouse. Spouses sometimes can see things we cannot. We all tend to get tunnel vision.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I wanted to believe because I was raised that way. I thought that nearly all people were honest and trust-worthy. The only way they would take advantage of me was if they didn't like me. "Hey, I'm a good guy", I thought. It doesn't matter if I am or I am not. It has nothing to do with me and everything to do with my EX. I did not raise her, nor could I know her well enough. No one can. So I believed, even when the proof was right in front of me. "No, it's not that. No, not again. I've changed. It can't be that", I told myself.

What a damn idiot I am. I was in love. That is the greatest thing in the world. I felt so good, I thought I might die from all of the joy of having the woman of my dreams. Reality is, "there is NO woman of my dreams. She doesn't exist. She is a dream." Who was the comedian on Saturday Night Live who would tell a joke and say, "Stupid!" and hit himself in the head? I remember him interviewing Paul McCartney. He was in Tommy Boy. Anyway, I feel like that now.


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