# Question for when she is saying "we just can't be happy"?



## MrPink

For those that have reconciled, do you have any advice for when your wife's main concern is that we just can't be happy together? 

I've only been separated for 4 weeks but after this reflection of her looking at us, she thinks she just can't be happy with me. We've been together for 18 years and had a rough last year where we have been mainly focusing on the kids and not each other, but I've also been through a clinical depression which lasted months that she has endured and just waited for me to come out of that has done much scar tissue that she can't let go of.

About as soon as I started getting better, she told me out of the blue she wants to separate.

It's been 4 weeks now. How am I supposed to prove to her that I want to make some serious changes and work on our marriage again? That we can be happy if we BOTH work on it?
It seems impossible to me now since we are only communicating daily about the kids?

For now, she is agreeing to MC, but we have only been to one appointment and it was a lot of emotions that came out about her unhapiness.


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## daisygirl 41

You cant convince her. she has to come to that decision herself.
Dont tell her you are going to make changes, Make the changes, but make them for yourself also.
Agree with what she is saying, dont try and talk her out of/dismiss her feelings.
Is there anyone else involved?
My H told me many times that we couldnt fix it/it was too difficult etc etc, but he was deep in the A fog. But even so, no amount of me trying to make him see sense worked. He had to work it out for himself.


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## lamaga

You have to work on yourself right now, Mr. Pink. Assume that she is never coming back, and proceed accordingly.

Maybe she will come back, but she won't as long as you are being needy and clingy.


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## sadwithouthim

daisygirl 41 said:


> You cant convince her. she has to come to that decision herself.
> Dont tell her you are going to make changes, Make the changes, but make them for yourself also.
> Agree with what she is saying, dont try and talk her out of/dismiss her feelings.
> Is there anyone else involved?
> My H told me many times that we couldnt fix it/it was too difficult etc etc, but he was deep in the A fog. But even so, no amount of me trying to make him see sense worked. He had to work it out for himself.


Good grief.....there is NO convincing. Daisy is right. I tried for a year to convince mine. Only way it will work is if they come to that conclusion their self. Work on yourself.....I wish I'd done more of this myself in the beginning.

I hope it will work out in the end for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife

I posted this in your other thread also--it is easier to try to keep your posts in one thread because then people can see your whole story. Both of the quotes are from two other threads you started.



MrPink said:


> There has been no cheating


Mr. Pink, according to one of your other posts your wife is texting with a man and she is refusing to disclose his identity. Have you figured out who this person is? here is the post you made in the other thread that I'm referring to



MrPink said:


> So, yes she found an emotional friend recently. She has talked and texted him but assures me they are just friends and she hasn't done anything wrong. The only othe thing she would share with me is that I don't know him. I know she is getting some kind of attention I have not been there to give her, but after being with this woman all my life I am very confident that it has only been an emotional relationship. We just know each other too well and I know I could tell if there was something else.


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## MrPink

iheartlife said:


> I posted this in your other thread also--it is easier to try to keep your posts in one thread because then people can see your whole story. Both of the quotes are from two other threads you started.
> 
> Mr. Pink, according to one of your other posts your wife is texting with a man and she is refusing to disclose his identity. Have you figured out who this person is? here is the post you made in the other thread that I'm referring to


Yes. Sorry for the thread hopping. I just thought it was a question more related to here. She did have a short EA which made her realize how unhappy she really was and it made her feel really bad that she git in that vulnerable state, but after a few talks with her of trying to convince her that it was not giving us a chance if she kept talking to him, and she admitted that he was not the type she could be with, she finally finished it with him. And ladst night said I could check her phone, texts, phone bill whatever, she's not talking to anyone and I do believe her now. Not saying I put my guard down but I trust her more now. 

That other thread just got full of people that have been burned by lovers that probably have it in their nature and like to suggest all types if stalking advise that would just make me lose her forever if I was wrong. I'm not too surprised she got into an ER given what I put her through the last several months. But I was never interested in changing us like that till now. I needed that wake up call but it was more than that to her. Now it's making her think this is her chance to end our relationship as a married couple.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife

MrPink said:


> Yes. Sorry for the thread hopping. I just thought it was a question more related to here. She did have a short EA which made her realize how unhappy she really was and it made her feel really bad that she git in that vulnerable state, but after a few talks with her of trying to convince her that it was not giving us a chance if she kept talking to him, and she admitted that he was not the type she could be with, she finally finished it with him. And ladst night said I could check her phone, texts, phone bill whatever, she's not talking to anyone and I do believe her now. Not saying I put my guard down but I trust her more now.
> 
> That other thread just got full of people that have been burned by lovers that probably have it in their nature and like to suggest all types if stalking advise that would just make me lose her forever if I was wrong. I'm not too surprised she got into an ER given what I put her through the last several months. But I was never interested in changing us like that till now. I needed that wake up call but it was more than that to her. Now it's making her think this is her chance to end our relationship as a married couple.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


MrPink, trust but verify. As long as she is transparent and lets you look as much as you like and doesn't change passwords or hide email accounts, that is all anyone can expect. The trouble is, if your spouse is actually in a full-fledged affair, they have huge incentives to lie. Many people aren't able to catch an affair without a VAR.

I am reconciled to my husband who was in a long-term emotional affair, so I know what I'm talking about.

If she was in the beginnings of an emotional affair, or she was busy confiding in him and not in you, hold on if you can for another 6 weeks (which I know is a long time) but you may start to see her come around. There is a period of depression or withdrawal after exiting an emotional relationship and she has at least admitted to having one. There will be a sense of loss because that person had become someone she could rely on.

Do you feel like you are working on "you" and becoming the best version of you? Are you on anti-depressants, are you seeing in individual counselor? Have you had a chance to read some of the book recommendations? You want to get busy living a good, full life and working hard on what you believe you can change within yourself, so that she can see this--and perhaps combined with extracting herself from that relationship, you will start to see some light at the end of the tunnel.


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## daisygirl 41

My H was telling me how crazy about me he was on March 4th last year!
By March 30th he was "in love" with his "just a friend" and i had become the most controlling, nagging, boring wife a man could have! This is the man i trusted with my life, spent every day with for 18 years! Best friends, lovers! The last man that any would ever think of having an A.
Just saying thats all.
Trust but verify.
This EA stuff is poison!


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## This is me

Yep. Like Daisygirl, the rewrite of history became her only recollection about our relationship during the fog. Suddenly 17 years of a beautiful loving companionship with a normal number of diagreements became only about the disagreements and ten times worse than I recalled we ever had. 

Her only thoughts about me were my weak points but described by her as if on steriods. None of the best parts about me existed anymore. Her detachment made it easy to look for greener pastures.

At our last marriage workshop she was asked to give an example about a recent bad event we had and she couldn't think of one. She claimed she did know why. All I thought, with my mouth shut, was this is how I remembered our relationship before the MLC fog arrived. Loving, caring, shared lives.


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## seekingaadvice

Hang in there. I am going through something similar. All you can do is work on you, give some space and try to be happy in time. Hopefully your relationship will work out, but trust me, you can't force her to see it your way. All you can do is try to show her.


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## iheartlife

seekingaadvice said:


> Hang in there. I am going through something similar. All you can do is work on you, give some space and try to be happy in time. Hopefully your relationship will work out, but trust me, you can't force her to see it your way. All you can do is try to show her.


seekingaadvice, do you have any updates on your situation?


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## seekingaadvice

Right now I am just reading some books, waiting for my upcoming IC appointment, and not talking to my h. I'm going to give that a little but longer, and then maybe I'll ask him if he wants to talk again.


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