# Marriage in trouble - she wants to be 'alone'



## CaConfused (Sep 10, 2012)

Hi everyone,

I've been married 3 years, together for 6.

My wife and I have not been intimate since Valentines Day and we've really been in our own world. And we're civil but it just became very obvious to me that we needed to talk. So we set a time and basically what it came to is that she felt that "I needed someone different to be happy, and she needs someone else to make her happy."

I asked if she had someone in mind, she said "NO!!"

I tried to pull out where her head was at with the marriage and she could not really give me an answer beyond what I just stated. I told her how I felt, that I thought we needed work but I wasn't ready to give up. She said she wanted to be "Alone". 

I asked her what that meant and she said "Well I haven't given it any thought, i just feel numb". I asked if that meant seperated from me, and her non denial, I took as a yes.

All of this was not just said, i really had to pull it out of her. I suggested that we go to counseling to at least get another opinion and she agreed.

Does "Alone" just mean another word for "I dont want to say divorce".? I dont get it.

Is the counselor idea a good one?

Is there any hope?


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Yes counselling is a good idea. It may be an indication that your wife hasn't completely checked out.
Make sure you find a counsellor that is pro marriage.

So what are your thoughts? Dig deep. Have you any idea why your wife is feeling this way?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

It is amazing to me that men still don't know this happens. I'm pretty sure most women also don't know it happens until it does.

There is a better than not possibility that your wife WILL FALL OUT OF LOVE WITH YOU. It happens to a MASSIVE % of marriages. Join the club. You have two choices.

1 - Listen to all of the "Get counseling", "Stick with it", "bring romance back into your life", "start dating her again". This is far and away the best marriage sight I've found, yet still most of these folks don't get it either. They rarely come back. So go ahead and fight this losing battle. It'll be a long ride. I don't envy you. 

2 - Do an immediate 180. "Honey, I've thought about what we talked about, and I support whatever decision you make. Whatever that decision is, I'm there for you. Once you know what it is, text me. Because I'm not sticking around to be your backup in case Mr. Right doesn't materialize." Then work on making you better for you. When reading up on the 180, ignore the parts that say, and I'm paraphrasing, "she may see the new, better you and come along for the ride". It doesn't happen. 

Oh, and ignore the "she's probably cheating. SPY!! VAR, keylogger, blah, blah, blah. That's a knee-jerk reaction for most of the folks here. 

She's gone. Do yourself a favor and get used to it early. You're young? No kids? Your wife ACTUALLY TOLD YOU IT HAPPENED? You are lucky. You actually get a do-over. You are a GOD to me. I envy you.

When are we going to recognize this problem and educate our children about it?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

"Oh, and ignore the "she's probably cheating. SPY!! VAR, keylogger, blah, blah, blah. That's a knee-jerk reaction for most of the folks here"

Maybe. Maybe not. 

What MrK fails to mention is that the reason it's a knee jerk reation for some folks here is because it happened to them. They were blindsided too by their spouse telling them "They need space" to later discover that they already either started an affair or they had a partner they had already set their sights on.

This is a possibility. It's always a possibility no matter what MrK says. Take some time and read through the Coping With Infidelity section here at TAM. Search for Red Flags and see if your wife is displaying any of these signs.

I am not saying this is the case. What many here will tell you is to rule it OUT as a possibility IF you see some of the typical read flags.

On the other hand, most posters here recognize the possibility that it could be as MrK says. She may just be done. In most cases, it seems that the approach of "bringing romance back" and "start dating her" is often a waste of time because by the time a woman tells you she's done, it's usually finished

Dating and re-inventing yourself can work but it seems it seldomly does


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

One of the best way to fact finding is elimination.

The only way you can have any success in saving your marriage is by eliminating what is NOT the problem, and focusing on what IS the problem.
In case of an affair , she would not tell you that she's having an affair. You will have to do whatever it takes to find out.

If she is open to counselling, then that is a good start.

Eight months without sexual intimacy is absolutely not acceptable.


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## Santa (May 31, 2012)

And another one.... Sad really how stereo typical this stories are.. I rememeber thinking I must be the only man in the world that this happened to. 

Welcome to the board.....


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

worth also learning about the five languages of love. It may or may not help you with your present situation but it will surely help you in the future.


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## CaConfused (Sep 10, 2012)

Santa said:


> And another one.... Sad really how stereo typical this stories are.. I rememeber thinking I must be the only man in the world that this happened to.
> 
> Welcome to the board.....


What happened to you Santa?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She hasn't had sex with you since Feb. It's September. You don't have a wife. Her actions (or inactions) speak much louder than any verbal statement she might make. She's like the person who's lost interest in her dog. She can't bring herself to shoot it but she won't feed it, either. She needs to get off the fence. Either she starts to be a wife or she aggressively gets help so she can be a wife or she hits the road. Acting divorced-in-place while stuffing your face full of marital bread isn't an option. If you have joint accounts, close them. There are no passengers in the marital boat. You can steer, row, navigate, or bail water but you aint passively enjoying the ride. Extra cargo gets tossed overboard.


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## CaConfused (Sep 10, 2012)

Looking back, the sex thing is as much my fault. 

but yes I am not passively enjoying the ride.


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## Santa (May 31, 2012)

Santa said:


> And another one.... Sad really how stereo typical this stories are.. I rememeber thinking I must be the only man in the world that this happened to.
> 
> Welcome to the board.....




I gave too much. lol

Its just very close to the same as mine as well as hundreds of others here. You need to read "No More Mr Nice Guy" and see if you see yourself any in it..


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## CaConfused (Sep 10, 2012)

I follow most this, thank you for the reply. but what did you mean about "She told you IT happened?"



MrK said:


> It is amazing to me that men still don't know this happens. I'm pretty sure most women also don't know it happens until it does.
> 
> There is a better than not possibility that your wife WILL FALL OUT OF LOVE WITH YOU. It happens to a MASSIVE % of marriages. Join the club. You have two choices.
> 
> ...


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## CaConfused (Sep 10, 2012)

Santa said:


> I gave too much. lol
> 
> Its just very close to the same as mine as well as hundreds of others here. You need to read "No More Mr Nice Guy" and see if you see yourself any in it..


I'll try to find that. How long ago was yours and how are you doing now?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Santa said:


> I gave too much. lol
> 
> Its just very close to the same as mine as well as hundreds of others here. You need to read "No More Mr Nice Guy" and see if you see yourself any in it..


In your case however your wife actually had another man. Her EX.

Her Ex was spending the days with her at the pool and hanging out with her all the time.


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## CaConfused (Sep 10, 2012)

Another question:

We have neighbors across the street (a couple) who are very good friends of ours. The husband is a close friend of mine, and I feel like talking to him because he did get divorced and is in an amazing marriage now. 

Is it a bad idea to reach out to him at this early point. I would ask him to not tell his wife anything. Or is this something I should just keep close to the vest for a bit.

We have our first counseling appointment scheduled on Wednesday 5pm

Thanks all


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

CaConfused said:


> I follow most this, thank you for the reply. but what did you mean about "She told you IT happened?"


We were in a "rut" for a few years. I tried to fix it (mistake). In the process, I dragged it out of my wife that she had left years (decades) prior. I never knew. Not only did my present life crash immediately, but my HISTORY changed in a matter of seconds.

Turns out not all wives tell their husbands they've emotionally left the marriage. Then, when we husbands find out it's over, it hits us HARD and we need to go through the grieving process alone. They are already gone and don;t give a crap about how we feel. It's ugly. As I said, you know early. A do-over. Take it.

She's not coming back. They RARELY do.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

CaConfused said:


> she felt that "I needed someone different to be happy, and she needs someone else to make her happy."
> 
> I asked if she had someone in mind, she said "NO!!"
> 
> ...


Yes, the counselor idea is a good one. Yes there is hope.

Your wife have given you information regarding her internal state but you (understandably) are not able to interpret it.

What she is saying is that something has caused her internal self image to decline to the point where she feels that she is no longer able to participate in a "giving" relationship. There are many factors that contribute to this, but the most common is some kind of unresolved conflict from her family of origin.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I'm sorry this has happened. I really hope counselling will help but I doubt it very much. I am with MrK on this. When a woman reaches the point where she actually feels she can tell her husband she's done, that means she was done a very long time ago. There's nothing to fix. It's vapour. 

Please take MrK's advice on this one. I feel the other advice will cause you infinitely more grief because it's focused on fixing a marriage that one person no longer wants a part of.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

CaConfused said:


> Another question:
> 
> We have neighbors across the street (a couple) who are very good friends of ours. The husband is a close friend of mine, and I feel like talking to him because he did get divorced and is in an amazing marriage now.
> 
> ...


While confiding in someone is a good idea, a neighbor isn't the one you should speak to. It will eventually get back to your wife and if you are in the process of counseling and reconciliation, it could derail that.

Go to counseling and get everything out on the table there.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

There is likely a 3rd party in the picture. The earlier you find out, the better


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## CaConfused (Sep 10, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> There is likely a 3rd party in the picture. The earlier you find out, the better


I am now 95% sure there is no third party actively in the picture. I've found no evidence in exhausive tries.

We went to joint counseling for an hour. Our next step is each of us to have a one-on-one 1-hour appt with the counseler. Then we loop back together with the counselor together.

I took mine, she can't take hers for 2.5 weeks because of work!

She is going out of town on a grueling project for 8 days on Monday and is very stressed out.

I would have hoped that our weekend together before that trip might be more eventful, but so far, its mostly just her getting ready for the trip and not really saying anything to me. She just seems drained.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

MrK said:


> We were in a "rut" for a few years. I tried to fix it (mistake). In the process, I dragged it out of my wife that she had left years (decades) prior. I never knew. Not only did my present life crash immediately, but my HISTORY changed in a matter of seconds.
> 
> Turns out not all wives tell their husbands they've emotionally left the marriage. Then, when we husbands find out it's over, it hits us HARD and we need to go through the grieving process alone. They are already gone and don;t give a crap about how we feel. It's ugly. As I said, you know early. A do-over. Take it.
> 
> She's not coming back. They RARELY do.


This is what happened to me - 10 years of resentment, anger, misery. She had checked out and not told me. She was still there, and taking care of the kids & house, but not there for me. I had no idea what was going on. 

It took a major wake-up call due to a crisis to wake me up and decide to take control of things. We're not there yet but things are getting better. I certainly believe there is hope.

One thing I believe in in this situation is getting her to "fake it 'til you make it". If she'll agree to go on dates, have sex, be affectionate, etc I believe she can learn to love passionately again IF your behavior changes too - no more resentment, sulking, passive aggressiveness, moodiness, etc. If she just hangs around waiting for lightning to strike while you work at it, it's a lost cause. She has to want to feel those things for you again.


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## CaConfused (Sep 10, 2012)

Drover -

Can you tell me what it was like for you initially?

How did you know that she truly wanted to work it out?

Right now, my wife went to the first counseling meeting, and has the others scheduled. But at home, she's basically just going through the motions.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Does she go out of town for work alot?


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## CaConfused (Sep 10, 2012)

No, I used to about 6 months ago, but not anymore.

This is her first work trip in a very long time.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

First, as I said, you have to make sure you change your own negative behaviors. You have to start rebuilding trust by taking care of the things she needs taken care of (I haven't read it but I think it's what that love languages book is about), and by being calm and in control of yourself. I'd also look at the Married Mans Sex Life Book, and the No More Mr Nice Guy book.

But it basically came down to a 'come to Jesus talk' for us. I asked her if she even wanted to feel passion for me, and have real joy in our marriage. Should be an easy question - You're her husband. What wife wouldn't like to feel passion for her husband? I said for us to have a happy marriage together, she needed to act like a wife who wanted to be with her husband. If we were going to be married, that was not negotiable. I'd do my part and work on my own behavior, but for me to do that she had to want to be my wife and she had to behave like she wanted that. I said I couldn't decide that for her. Only she could decide that. But she had to make the decision NOW, and her behavior had to change starting NOW. 



CaConfused said:


> Drover -
> 
> Can you tell me what it was like for you initially?
> 
> ...


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## Hellioness (Jul 6, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Yes, the counselor idea is a good one. Yes there is hope.
> 
> Your wife have given you information regarding her internal state but you (understandably) are not able to interpret it.
> 
> What she is saying is that something has caused her internal self image to decline to the point where she feels that she is no longer able to participate in a "giving" relationship. There are many factors that contribute to this, but the most common is some kind of unresolved conflict from her family of origin.


I don't agree with this at all, just because she's checked out doesn't mean that there is some deep seeded unresolved family conflict causing it. People (not just women) can fall out of love for any number of reasons, just because something goes south doesn't automatically mean there was a family issue she never worked though.


sinnister said:


> I'm sorry this has happened. I really hope counselling will help but I doubt it very much. I am with MrK on this. When a woman reaches the point where she actually feels she can tell her husband she's done, that means she was done a very long time ago. There's nothing to fix. It's vapour.
> 
> Please take MrK's advice on this one. I feel the other advice will cause you infinitely more grief because it's focused on fixing a marriage that one person no longer wants a part of.


:iagree: I've been in the wife's position. By the time we reach the point of telling the other person that we're done, we've checked out, grieved and basically reached a point where we don't care how it affects you now, as horrible as it sounds by the time we've reached that point it's essentially like a year after a break up, we're over it usually.


CaConfused said:


> Drover -
> 
> Can you tell me what it was like for you initially?
> 
> ...


It's entirely possible she'll continue going through the motions until you just say OKAY and move on. She agreed to go to counseling because you asked her to, I can guarantee she never would have suggested it. While she's fine riding things out the way they are she's doing the things she is to humor you until you finally say enough is enough.



unbelievable said:


> She hasn't had sex with you since Feb. It's September. You don't have a wife. Her actions (or inactions) speak much louder than any verbal statement she might make. She's like the person who's lost interest in her dog. She can't bring herself to shoot it but she won't feed it, either. She needs to get off the fence. Either she starts to be a wife or she aggressively gets help so she can be a wife or she hits the road. Acting divorced-in-place while stuffing your face full of marital bread isn't an option. If you have joint accounts, close them. There are no passengers in the marital boat. You can steer, row, navigate, or bail water but you aint passively enjoying the ride. Extra cargo gets tossed overboard.


:iagree: with every single part of this post. All she's doing now is enjoying the convenience and routine awarded to her from the marriage.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

CaConfused said:


> Another question:
> 
> We have neighbors across the street (a couple) who are very good friends of ours. The husband is a close friend of mine, and I feel like talking to him because he did get divorced and is in an amazing marriage now.
> 
> ...


Telling a male neighbor that you're having sexual problems with your wife is like telling a dog where he can find steak at your house. No matter how happily married this guy looks, he's human. You really don't want to let male associates know there's a gap in your relationship armor. Same thing goes for women talking to their female friends. The mate you complain about might look like a really good catch to your friend.


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## CaConfused (Sep 10, 2012)

EVERYONE - 

I just started therapy. We have had one couples meeting. I have done my 1:1. Because of business travel, she has not had hers.

Question - she is leaving tomorrow. How should I even act before she goes?

She's been.. polite, but indifferent towards me over the weekend. I am concerned about how we act before she's gone for 8 days.

She leaves tomorrow. Thanks for any advice.


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