# Help



## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

My husband and I have been together 10 years total, 6 dating and 4 married. He recently came out and told me he never loved me, it never felt right, even from dating. Why would make a person lie for that long? Has anyone experienced something similar? How do you put yourself back together after that?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Had anything else been happening recently? Any changes in his behaviour?
Changes to his routine?

If it didn't feel right then why marry you after 6 years. I think there may be more to this.


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

He said he was afraid of “disappointing everyone”. 6 months ago I found some kinda cringey but not “inappropriate” messages between him and a coworker. I asked about it , he assured me he loved me and no big deal, a few minutes later he told me he was “in” the marriage but wanted to work on it. I was more than happy to. We did some therapy, I always had suspicions that this coworker was an issue, and I found videos Saturday confirming and EA. Unless he is mentally I’ll I cannot understand lying about our whole life for 10 years


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I suspected another woman.
People who have found someone else mistake those feelings for love, then conclude they don't love their spouse. It's all nonsense of course, but that's what they think.

What was on the videos you found?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

He's lying about never loving you. He is in an affair as you can see from his videos.
He is re-writing your marital history to justify to himself why it's ok to cheat.
You should expose him to his/your family and see if this other woman is married -- if so, tell her husband (without telling YOUR husband you are going to do it). This can help STOP the affair from going too far (and maybe wake him up), but also keep him from telling everyone a false story about why you are breaking up...
VERY sorry you are going through this.


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

jlg07 said:


> He's lying about never loving you. He is in an affair as you can see from his videos.
> He is re-writing your marital history to justify to himself why it's ok to cheat.
> You should expose him to his/your family and see if this other woman is married -- if so, tell her husband (without telling YOUR husband you are going to do it). This can help STOP the affair from going too far (and maybe wake him up), but also keep him from telling everyone a false story about why you are breaking up...
> VERY sorry you are going through this.


All of this. You'll find that this is textbook after reading on this site for a while.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Ldziesinski said:


> He said he was afraid of “disappointing everyone”. 6 months ago* I found some kinda cringey but not “inappropriate” messages between him and a coworker.* I asked about it , he assured me he loved me and no big deal, a few minutes later he told me he was “in” the marriage but wanted to work on it. I was more than happy to. We did some therapy, I always had suspicions that this coworker was an issue, and* I found videos Saturday confirming and EA*. Unless he is mentally I’ll I cannot understand lying about our whole life for 10 years


Ding ding ding! There it is.

He's lying about never loving you, he's re-writing history to try to justify his disgraceful conduct. Please don't buy into it.

It's all part of the Cheaters Handbook.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I can't say if he ever truly loved you or not but at this time he may be confusing lust for love. He's hot to trot for his coworker and is thinking this must be what love feels like. 

You also need to consider the messages you found are just the tip of the iceberg. There may be other women he has been messing with, you may want to do some investigating.

But does any of it matter at this point? If he wants out and claims to have never loved you it may be time to call it quits.


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> He's lying about never loving you. He is in an affair as you can see from his videos.
> He is re-writing your marital history to justify to himself why it's ok to cheat.
> You should expose him to his/your family and see if this other woman is married -- if so, tell her husband (without telling YOUR husband you are going to do it). This can help STOP the affair from going too far (and maybe wake him up), but also keep him from telling everyone a false story about why you are breaking up...
> VERY sorry you are going through this.


I have. I’ve told everyone.


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

Cooper said:


> I can't say if he ever truly loved you or not but at this time he may be confusing lust for love. He's hot to trot for his coworker and is thinking this must be what love feels like.
> 
> You also need to consider the messages you found are just the tip of the iceberg. There may be other women he has been messing with, you may want to do some investigating.
> 
> But does any of it matter at this point? If he wants out and claims to have never loved you it may be time to call it quits.


The only reason I would still want to fight for it is because I think the 10 years of never loving me isn’t true. I think rewriting it makes what he has done hurt less, we were in therapy and e therapist had really high hopes for us


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


Ldziesinski said:



He said he was afraid of “disappointing everyone”. 6 months ago I found some kinda cringey but not “inappropriate” messages between him and a coworker.

Click to expand...

*And there's your smoking gun.

*



We did some therapy, I always had suspicions that this coworker was an issue, and I found videos Saturday confirming and EA. Unless he is mentally I’ll I cannot understand lying about our whole life for 10 years

Click to expand...

*Therapy is worthless if you think it's going to make someone suddenly fall back in love with you. Stop wasting your money.

Sadly, if you think it's it's only an EA these two are engaged in, then you're being incredibly naive. When two people have the opportunity to be together in person, they're NOT spending that time going to the malt shop and sharing a milkshake. Not only that, but these two have been building a closeness for at LEAST the last 6 months, and you can bet your right arm it's been taken the next level.

When a man suddenly *rewrites history* like your lying, cheating husband has done (which most cheaters do), and when he's been having a *full blown affair *for at LEAST 6 months with someone he sees EVERY SINGLE DAY, then you need to stop being so naive and thinking he's "mental" or that it's only an EA. The TRUTH of the matter is that you're married to a lying POS who has no qualms about cheating on you and telling you how he's never loved you because now he's got some bimbo waiting in the shadows for him and that gives him the courage to make these claims. What an idiot.

Even more unbelievable is why on EARTH you'd want to "fight" for this cheater and desperately cling to him even after he's continually **** on you day after day after day. The nasty cheater *can't even show you the respect most of us show the common dung beetle*, yet here you are trying desperately to cling to him anyway.

Where is your *pride*?


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

My pride was in my marriage and because I have seen people come back from worse


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

And this all just happened , so I am still more in shock than anything


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

And just trying to wrap my head around the last 10 years of my life being a lie


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ldziesinski said:


> And this all just happened , so I am still more in shock than anything


It may be helpful if he were to agree to a lie detector test to see exactly what went on. 
What was in the videos?


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

She told him hey, I love you. Then he sent a text saying “Trojan horse delete delete” then sent a video saying “hey babe, I love you, thanks for being my person”


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

More information would be helpful. I understand you are in shock. How old were you guys when you first started dating? What was his career like then versus now? His fitness level?


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

Early 20s. He was a mechanic , now he manages a shop for a propane company. Does pretty well. But has always done well and been an incredibly hard worker. He grew up helping his parents out so built that ethic early in his teens unfortunately for him. His job is physically demanding but as far as outside of that he is moderately active , we’ve taken many walks through the woods ect but no gym memberships or anything like that


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> He's lying about never loving you. He is in an affair as you can see from his videos.
> He is re-writing your marital history to justify to himself why it's ok to cheat.
> You should expose him to his/your family and see if this other woman is married -- if so, tell her husband (without telling YOUR husband you are going to do it). This can help STOP the affair from going too far (and maybe wake him up), but also keep him from telling everyone a false story about why you are breaking up...
> VERY sorry you are going through this.


I have told the other womens husband. We were all friends. I’ve babysat her children multiple times , it’s a **** show


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

What was HER reaction to all this? I can see how awful this is for you and how complicated, but you DO know what you need to do here.
First, get with a lawyer to see what D would look like for you, and that will help remove any fear of what the process looks like.
Second, HE needs to make the choice to either pick YOU (and then go to IC so that he can find out why he allowed this to happen and work on himself), or you will go the divorce route. There really aren't any other options.


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## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

I think the video says volumes.. "my person!!" That should be you and the fact that he said that to her.. um no way. I agree that you need to get to a lawyer and find out your options. 

Are there times of unaccounted time? traveling? I believe it was more than an EA. Who calls another woman ..babe? Essentially he is convincing himself that your marriage was a sham so he can move on. Cut him loose. If he wants to act like he is single, then he can be. If he wants to be in a marriage with you, he needs to choose that. It sounds like he wants the single life or at least to be with her.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Ldziesinski said:


> And just trying to wrap my head around the last 10 years of my life being a lie





Ldziesinski said:


> She told him hey, I love you. Then he sent a text saying “Trojan horse delete delete” then sent a video saying “hey babe, I love you, thanks for being my person”





Ldziesinski said:


> I have told the other womens husband. We were all friends. I’ve babysat her children multiple times , it’s a **** show


Your marriage hasn't been a lie, he is in the affair fog. He is in an affair and is or thinks he is in love with her. Are you positive it hasn't been physical? Good for you telling everyone. What was the response form the husband of the OW? How is your husband reacting to the disclosure of his affair?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Ldziesinski said:


> She told him hey, I love you. Then he sent a text saying “Trojan horse delete delete” then sent a video saying “hey babe, I love you, thanks for being my person”


Wait, I thought you said the messages weren't that bad! Good gosh that's as bad as they get! To declare love for one another is far into an intimate relationship, it takes time an effort to get to know one another well enough to fall in love. 

Look I know this is new to you. One of the hardest things to accept is when someone we share our life with can so easily deceive and betray us. 

Regardless of how you want things to go it's also time to be a realist. Get an STD test. Start double checking financials to make sure he's not funneling off money, and you should start an emergency fund of your own. Keep a record of any messages you find, note dates of any inconsistencies like he suddenly starts taking work trips or starts working unusual overtime. Talk with an attorney, find out your options and what you are entitled to.

If he is "in love" with someone else I don't see how your marriage can ever be healthy again. I am sorry.


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

Pip’sJourney said:


> I think the video says volumes.. "my person!!" That should be you and the fact that he said that to her.. um no way. I agree that you need to get to a lawyer and find out your options.
> 
> Are there times of unaccounted time? traveling? I believe it was more than an EA. Who calls another woman ..babe? Essentially he is convincing himself that your marriage was a sham so he can move on. Cut him loose. If he wants to act like he is single, then he can be. If he wants to be in a marriage with you, he needs to choose that. It sounds like he wants the single life or at least to be with her.





Cooper said:


> Wait, I thought you said the messages weren't that bad! Good gosh that's as bad as they get! To declare love for one another is far into an intimate relationship, it takes time an effort to get to know one another well enough to fall in love.
> 
> Look I know this is new to you. One of the hardest things to accept is when someone we share our life with can so easily deceive and betray us.
> 
> ...


no those videos are bad the original messages I found weren’t as bad


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

I know. This is the worst part. He told me I know when we had issues I shoulda talked to you not her, and I said well but here we are idk what else to say to ya. It’s just hard. Saying he never loved me the whole relationship , 10 years, it takes a disturbed person to do that. Cause it wasn’t just me you lied to, it’s yourself, our friends, our families literally everyone


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Ldziesinski said:


> I have seen people come back from worse


Maybe. But you don't know what goes on behind closed doors. If you read any of the stories here, you will find that recovering from infidelity is extremely difficult. The trust factor is gone. Generally, the spouse who was cheated on has lingering issues trusting again for years. Sometimes they simply never regain that trust.

You are hoping your husband will see the light. Sorry, ain't gonna happen anytime soon. He is saying to another woman, "I love you." He is now emotionally invested in the relationship. He's saying he never loved you. Is that a lie? Sure it is. But the fact is he doesn't love you NOW. 

Sadly, you simply cannot work on a marriage alone. Your husband has checked out. He is currently lost in the affair fog. Honestly, if a man told me he never loved me, I'd kick him to the curb.


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Your marriage hasn't been a lie, he is in the affair fog. He is in an affair and is or thinks he is in love with her. Are you positive it hasn't been physical? Good for you telling everyone. What was the response form the husband of the OW? How is your husband reacting to the disclosure of his affair?


I am no where near positive that they haven’t been physical, I’ve asked both parties they deny but it’s hard to believe either one. I’ve been informed for the woman and her husband they have laid everything out and are “working “ in their marriage . But I’ve also been informed by this woman that this behavior is kind of her thing. 🤷🏻‍♀️


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> Maybe. But you don't know what goes on behind closed doors. If you read any of the stories here, you will find that recovering from infidelity is extremely difficult. The trust factor is gone. Generally, the spouse who was cheated on has lingering issues trusting again for years. Sometimes they simply never regain that trust.
> 
> You are hoping your husband will see the light. Sorry, ain't gonna happen anytime soon. He is saying to another woman, "I love you." He is now emotionally invested in the relationship. He's saying he never loved you. Is that a lie? Sure it is. But the fact is he doesn't love you NOW.
> 
> Sadly, you simply cannot work on a marriage alone. Your husband has checked out. He is currently lost in the affair fog. Honestly, if a man told me he never loved me, I'd kick him to the curb.


Well, I’m sure that’s my only option it’s just a lot to take in , and again- saying he never loved me is just a kick in the stomach and is a lot to wrap your mind around.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ldziesinski said:


> She told him hey, I love you. Then he sent a text saying “Trojan horse delete delete” then sent a video saying “hey babe, I love you, thanks for being my person”


So basically they think they are in love. 
Have you thought about a lie detector because it may have gone much further than you think. You can't make a decision if you don't know the facts.


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> So basically they think they are in love.
> Have you thought about a lie detector because it may have gone much further than you think. You can't make a decision if you don't know the facts.


I don’t know if it would do any good. They spend a few days away at a work retreat and then all the sudden I have issues in my marriage 🤷🏻‍♀️


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## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

Ldziesinski said:


> I don’t know if it would do any good. They spend a few days away at a work retreat and then all the sudden I have issues in my marriage 🤷🏻‍♀️


 This is your answer right here.. it DID go further on this retreat.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ldziesinski said:


> I don’t know if it would do any good. They spend a few days away at a work retreat and then all the sudden I have issues in my marriage 🤷🏻‍♀️


At least you would know for sure if he took the test. 
Did this 'work retreat' actually happen? Were there others there?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Ldziesinski said:


> I don’t know if it would do any good. They spend a few days away at a work retreat and then all the sudden I have issues in my marriage 🤷🏻‍♀️


Don't be in denial. The affair has gone physical, no doubt about it. Really, none.


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

Pip’sJourney said:


> This is your answer right here.. it DID go further on this retreat.


Yep. Good lord this is so much to process at once


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> At least you would know for sure if he took the test.
> Did this 'work retreat' actually happen? Were there others there?


Yea, I know for sure it did because there are pictures on the company site and they are in them. But they had their own hotel rooms so lord knows all that happened. Is this something worth speaking to their boss about. I don’t want to let anger over come me but my husband said he knows it put his job in danger


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Don't be in denial. The affair has gone physical, no doubt about it. Really, none.


I know. I’m trying to get out of denial. I woulda hoped that once they were both confronted one of them would’ve said the truth but I’m thinking my gut is right. It has been all along.


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Had anything else been happening recently? Any changes in his behaviour?
> Changes to his routine?
> 
> If it didn't feel right then why marry you after 6 years. I think there may be more to this.


Exactly my question. Why ? And his response was I didn’t want to disappoint anyone who cares good lord geez


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

Ldziesinski said:


> I know. I’m trying to get out of denial. I woulda hoped that once they were both confronted one of them would’ve said the truth but I’m thinking my gut is right. It has been all along.


I guess I don’t get the still lie mentality


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

Ldziesinski said:


> I have told the other womens husband. We were all friends. I’ve babysat her children multiple times , it’s a **** show


And I did tell our families as well, for that very reason, I will not be lied about


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Your marriage hasn't been a lie, he is in the affair fog. He is in an affair and is or thinks he is in love with her. Are you positive it hasn't been physical? Good for you telling everyone. What was the response form the husband of the OW? How is your husband reacting to the disclosure of his affair?


He remains saying they are just friends and she helped him through a tough time and I told him no you are not she told me and I showed him the text she knew what you all were doing so no it’s not friends


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

One statement you will see frequently here is this: Cheaters lie. A lot.

Chances are your husband did love you. But at this point, he's going to lie to cover his guilt. Blame-shifting and gaslighting are all part of the scenario. My take on it is cheaters know they've crapped all over their partners and their marriages. But they are selfish. So, in order to reconcile what they've done (and to make themselves believe they are basically "nice" people) they tell tall tales. It boils down to their lack of integrity.

I'm sorry this happened to you. Your husband betrayed you on a fundamental level. I hope you get really angry sooner rather than later.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Very few people come clean. It doesn’t benefit them to. Lie and deny is what they do because once the truth is out there they can’t take it back. Better to say as little as possible, they think. As for never being in love with you, only he knows the truth of that. It’s possible he wasn’t but it’s also possible he was. I wouldn’t focus on that as much as I would on the current problem.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I think you need to switch this thread over to the Dealing with Infidelity page, because that's the situation you are in. He is expressing love for another woman, he is giving her attention and confiding in her. He is cheating you out of his emotional commitment to the marriage, and that is an affair no matter what he claims.

At the very least start reading the threads in the Infidelity section, I think it will help you better understand what is happening.


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## y5mgisi (Oct 20, 2021)

My wife pressured me into marrying her. I love her, but knew she wasn't the right one for me. I got married to her anyway because I didn't want to hurt her by breaking up with her. That was 14 years ago. Today, I still wish I wouldn't have gotten married. And I have never cheated on my wife. So you could argue that the last 14 years "have been a lie".

Just throwing it out there.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

y5mgisi said:


> My wife pressured me into marrying her. I love her, but knew she wasn't the right one for me. I got married to her anyway because I didn't want to hurt her by breaking up with her. That was 14 years ago. Today, I still wish I wouldn't have gotten married. And I have never cheated on my wife. So you could argue that the last 14 years "have been a lie".
> 
> Just throwing it out there.


No one can force you into getting married. The choice was yours.


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

y5mgisi said:


> My wife pressured me into marrying her. I love her, but knew she wasn't the right one for me. I got married to her anyway because I didn't want to hurt her by breaking up with her. That was 14 years ago. Today, I still wish I wouldn't have gotten married. And I have never cheated on my wife. So you could argue that the last 14 years "have been a lie".
> 
> Just throwing it out there.


But why drag her life on like that? Don’t you think she deserves true happiness? And with that attitude do you think that it ruined any chance you had with her to build a loving marriage and work together so everyone’s happy?


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

Ldziesinski said:


> But why drag her life on like that? Don’t you think she deserves true happiness? And with that attitude do you think that it ruined any chance you had with her to build a loving marriage and work together so everyone’s happy?


Also if you don’t mind me asking how did she pressure you?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Ldziesinski said:


> Yea, I know for sure it did because there are pictures on the company site and they are in them. But they had their own hotel rooms so lord knows all that happened. Is this something worth speaking to their boss about. I don’t want to let anger over come me but my husband said he knows it put his job in danger


That's something to ask your lawyer about, before you do anything. Knowledge is power. For example, if you blow his world up and he loses his job, would you be on the hook for alimony? Are their children involved? Would that affect child support? Etc.


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

frusdil said:


> That's something to ask your lawyer about, before you do anything. Knowledge is power. For example, if you blow his world up and he loses his job, would you be on the hook for alimony? Are their children involved? Would that affect child support? Etc.


We don’t have any children, his girlfriend does and a husband. I don’t think I would be on the hook for alimony since I have proof of his extracurricular activities.


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> What was HER reaction to all this? I can see how awful this is for you and how complicated, but you DO know what you need to do here.
> First, get with a lawyer to see what D would look like for you, and that will help remove any fear of what the process looks like.
> Second, HE needs to make the choice to either pick YOU (and then go to IC so that he can find out why he allowed this to happen and work on himself), or you will go the divorce route. There really aren't any other options.


The first thing she said is “I don’t know how you saw those”


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Your marriage hasn't been a lie, he is in the affair fog. He is in an affair and is or thinks he is in love with her. Are you positive it hasn't been physical? Good for you telling everyone. What was the response form the husband of the OW? How is your husband reacting to the disclosure of his affair?


He remains that they are just good friends and she just helped him through a tough time so I showed him where she told me what her goal was 🤷🏻‍♀️


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

[


Prodigal said:


> *You are hoping your husband will see the light.* Sorry, ain't gonna happen anytime soon. He is saying to another woman, "I love you." He is now emotionally invested in the relationship. He's saying he never loved you. Is that a lie? Sure it is. But the fact is he doesn't love you NOW.
> 
> Sadly, you simply cannot work on a marriage alone. *Your husband has checked out. * He is currently lost in the affair fog. Honestly, if a man told me he never loved me, I'd kick him to the curb.


i am not sure that is the case at all--that he won't wake the heck up and realize he did something wrong.
your husband is indeed SAYING he never loved you....but that makes no sense...he probably did.

it IS possible he just got sexually bored, those two hit it off sexually, and he has been really enjoying it. it might be possible he never intended her to replace you, but instead have her augment the relationship he had with you. He did make light of the texts and videos you found.

quite simply, he might want both you and her.

I am pretty sure her husband will shoot that idea down....and he will not be able to see her all that much.
but he might come back to you. he might even see the light and realize how stupidly he has behaved.

i would advise to hear him out. have some detailed conversations. ask what was wrong with your marriage, your sex lives. see if he is willing to work on it all.

you can always divorce him a few months later, if it truly looks like he has left forever.....


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Ldziesinski said:


> He remains that they are just good friends and she just helped him through a tough time so I showed him where she told me what her goal was 🤷🏻‍♀️


What was her goal?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Ldziesinski said:


> We don’t have any children, his girlfriend does and a husband. I don’t think I would be on the hook for alimony since I have proof of his extracurricular activities.


In most states infidelity usually won't have much influence on a divorce settlement. Typically spousal support/alimony is based on individual incomes and the length of the marriage. That doesn't mean infidelity can't be used as moral leverage, if you can use his guilt as a tool to get what you want do it.


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> What was her goal?


She told me it was to get him away from me , because she has feelings for him


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Ldziesinski said:


> She told me it was to get him away from me , because she has feelings for him


Well, what was she planning to do with him once she got him? Keep him in the basement?


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Well, what was she planning to do with him once she got him? Keep him in the basement?


No idea. Idk that her husband would be cool with that. I just don’t think it just started , I think honestly something’s been going on between them since 2018/2019 I just don’t know how I could be so blind , I was an attentive wife . How do you miss something this serious. It makes me feel like I did do something awful because how did I not know something was up with him


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Ldziesinski said:


> No idea. Idk that her husband would be cool with that. I just don’t think it just started , I think honestly something’s been going on between them since 2018/2019 I just don’t know how I could be so blind , I was an attentive wife . How do you miss something this serious. It makes me feel like I did do something awful because how did I not know something was up with him


Why? Because like other faithful spouses, you TRUSTED him to not do this to you and your relationship. DO NOT blame yourself on this -- he purposely was trying to make sure that you didn't find out so he could have his cake and eat it too.
This is NOT your fault AT ALL, ok?


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> Why? Because like other faithful spouses, you TRUSTED him to not do this to you and your relationship. DO NOT blame yourself on this -- he purposely was trying to make sure that you didn't find out so he could have his cake and eat it too.
> This is NOT your fault AT ALL, ok?


I know, I keep trying to remind myself of that. But then I asked him why start talking to her, I warned you I had a feeling about her, I told you exactly how it would play out and it did. And he said if I hadn’t have talked to her I would’ve put a bullet in my mouth. Again, I told him even if the problem was about me or our marriage it should’ve been me. But it made me feel like damn I’m so awful he wanted to kill himself like ****


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Why were you and your husband in therapy?


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Why were you and your husband in therapy?


Back in June after a weekend away overnight at a work event with this woman, he was letting me use his work laptop and I came across some inappropriate messages between the 2 starting back in 2019ish. I asked him about it. We talked , everything was “good” , he told me I’d never do that to you I love you I’m happily married and the more I questioned about it a few minutes later he said, I feel I’ve checked out of our marriage lately. After some initial tears from us both , I asked him so what does that mean on how you want to proceed. I feel we have 3 options, divorce, stay married and we can try therapy or we separate take sometime to get your head straight and then we can reconvene and see how you feel. He said no I would like to stay married and let’s try some therapy and let’s get back on track. So we started a few days after that.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ldziesinski said:


> I know, I keep trying to remind myself of that. But then I asked him why start talking to her, I warned you I had a feeling about her, I told you exactly how it would play out and it did. And he said if I hadn’t have talked to her I would’ve put a bullet in my mouth. Again, I told him even if the problem was about me or our marriage it should’ve been me. But it made me feel like damn I’m so awful he wanted to kill himself like ****


He is being very over dramatic. Stupid thing for him to say.


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> He is being very over dramatic. Stupid thing for him to say.


I told my attorney that I was concerned after he said that, it’s not from a place of bitterness but I do love him so no I do not want him dead, and she said no no men say stupid things when they are “in trouble”. But right now being new still it does make ya go damn our life was that bad you wanna die and she’s the only thing that got you off the ledge? Geez


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ldziesinski said:


> I told my attorney that I was concerned after he said that, it’s not from a place of bitterness but I do love him so no I do not want him dead, and she said no no men say stupid things when they are “in trouble”. But right now being new still it does make ya go damn our life was that bad you wanna die and she’s the only thing that got you off the ledge? Geez


I agree with her. He is just desperately trying to justify what he has done by making out that life was so terrible when it clearly wasn't. He sounds like a cruel man. 
He has no repentance at all.


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## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

@Ldziesinski so he is love with this OW who is married.. he never loved you.. he is suicidal..He has cheated..he gaslights you by saying your marriage was a sham...Why do you really want to be with him? I get that you love him, but loving someone who is in his affair fog is not good for you. It seems like the life you have shared with him has counted for nothing. Diana7 has it right he is cruel. You need to get out and live a good life without all his drama.


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

Pip’sJourney said:


> @Ldziesinski so he is love with this OW who is married.. he never loved you.. he is suicidal..He has cheated..he gaslights you by saying your marriage was a sham...Why do you really want to be with him? I get that you love him, but loving someone who is in his affair fog is not good for you. It seems like the life you have shared with him has counted for nothing. Diana7 has it right he is cruel. You need to get out and live a good life without all his drama.


I know. I’m just still trying to take everything in I guess. I have spoken with an attorney.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Ldziesinski said:


> I know, I keep trying to remind myself of that. But then I asked him why start talking to her, I warned you I had a feeling about her, I told you exactly how it would play out and it did. And he said if I hadn’t have talked to her I would’ve put a bullet in my mouth. Again, I told him even if the problem was about me or our marriage it should’ve been me. But it made me feel like damn I’m so awful he wanted to kill himself like ****


So his response to you is PURE manipulation. He is trying to make YOU feel like ALL of this is your fault -- TYPICAL CHEATER crap -- don't believe it for a second!


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> So his response to you is PURE manipulation. He is trying to make YOU feel like ALL of this is your fault -- TYPICAL CHEATER crap -- don't believe it for a second!


I know and it sucks. Just hard to come to the realization the man I thought was an outstanding example of a human being - just sucks.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ldziesinski said:


> I know and it sucks. Just hard to come to the realization the man I thought was an outstanding example of a human being - just sucks.


Yes it's horrible isnt it. I feel for you.


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