# Help!!! Constantly moaning husband!



## TryingToStayCalm

Dear All,

I'm new here and I would really appreciate your advice or opinion.

My husband and I have been married for more than 3 years now, but we've been together for 11 years. We've been having a tough time pretty much since we got married because of huge financial issues, problems with jobs, lack of friends (we've moved to the UK not knowing a soul here). So we're both rather tired by all this - but that's rather "external" to our relationship. But... there are two "internal" issues I just can't solve: 

1. I'd like my husband to appreciate what he has, particularly after all the problems we've been having. He's very ambitious, and I like that, but recently I can't help thinking that he just wants too much at one time. He's been dreaming of having a senior management job and he's got one just after finishing his training in April. And it was the first and the only job he applied for - and it's really well paid. No one from his course has been as lucky as he's been. But... the problem is that the job is not exactly in his field (he's now in food-related business and would prefer to be in clothing). So he moans, and moans, and moans... that he can't be bothered to go to that work, that he's not interested in it, that he's bored, that it's stupid, pointless, that he's fed up ... you name it. I'm trying to make him realise that what he has t the moment is really good for a person with his experience (that is: with zero managerial experience), that he should appreciate it and that I'm sure he will eventually get into clothing - but he has to wait for it a little bit (because I genuinely do think so!). He just doesn't get it. He just wants more and more, and he's moaning all the time. To be honest, I'm really fed up with it - all the more so because my situation is faaaar worse than his and I'd "kill" for a job like his (I had to quit my own course lately because of personal issues and now I can't even get an unpaid internship). But I try to appreciate what I have and be happy with whatever I'm given. 
So please, could someone tell me: am I being unreasonable? Is his situation really so "horrible" and I'm just not being understanding enough? I don't know what to think or what to do with this situation anymore.

2. My second problem somehow stems from the previous one - when he's moaning/sulking because "everything's so horrible" he tends to act as if he was angry at me - he doesn't answer my questions, when he does talk to me he does it with this terrible annoyance in his voice but overall - he basically ignores me. Like right now, for example. When I ask "what's going on" - he says that "nothing" and he keeps on ignoring me. I've tried to explain to him that his behaviour makes me think that he's angry at me and that if he isn't, he should be more considerate of how I might feel when he behaves like that. I've reminded him that when I'm upset I don't take it out on him and if he asks me what's going on I always try to talk to him at least a bit (while he just mumbles angrily at me). So afterwards we often end up arguing about that, and then he's even more angry and I'm upset because I've just tried to help him. So again, what do you think about this behaviour? Do you have any suggestions about how should I "handle" almost constantly angry/moaning husband?

Sorry for the long message... and thanks for ANY advice...

Best,
N.


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## Prodigal

TryingToStayCalm said:


> We've been having a tough time pretty much since we got married because of huge financial issues, problems with jobs, lack of friends (we've moved to the UK not knowing a soul here)


VERY major issues ... financial pressure is the pits. I would suggest the two of you get involved in some activities in order to meet friends, but with the other stressors ... you need to address those first.



TryingToStayCalm said:


> I'd like my husband to appreciate what he has, particularly after all the problems we've been having. ... he just wants too much at one time. He's been dreaming of having a senior management job and he's got one just after finishing his training in April. And it was the first and the only job he applied for - and it's really well paid.


You were not born with the power to make anyone, let alone your husband, feel like you want them/him to. Yes, I think your husband is a complaining, whining baby (JMO), because there are millions of people out of work, or barely scraping by with two crappy part-time jobs. Does he realize the economic realities of the times in which we live? Does he have some special sense of entitlement? I mean, c'mon ... let's get real here!

I will be honest with you; well, as least as honest as I can be, given the information I have to work with ... I am only getting your side of this story. It sounds like your husband cannot make lemonade out of lemons. So he was handed a bunch of lemons (in his opinion). So make the best of it. 

Can you sit down and calmly speak with him, or will he go ballistic and get defensive? I couldn't live with all that negativity - been there, done that, bought the teeshirt, took it back. Your husband has a lot to be grateful for. I hope he wakes up and realizes it.

How old are you two?


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## TryingToStayCalm

Hi!

Thank you soooo much for your reply! I feel so isolated that I just crave feedback... 

I'm 28 and my husband is 29. I know that I can't make him feel anything - and I'm far from even wanting that. I just want for him to stop that terribly negative attitude. Every single evening I'm just waiting to see his face so that I know if today's going to be really bad or not so much. It's draining and so far it's been only a few months - I don't know what I'll do if he continues moaning like that for the remaining 2 years (that's when his contract ends). I've noticed that if at a given point in time I feel really positive and he starts his "everything's so terrible" routine, my energy levels just drop and afterwards I feel really down. So then there's no one to lift the mood in the house. I'm trying not to absorb this negativity but I'm only human, and with so many other issues going on, it's becoming more and more difficult. 

You've captured perfectly what I've been thinking all along: he needs to "get real". Whenever I have the chance, I'm giving him examples of people that haven't been as lucky as he's been, people that have trained with him and now have to put up with really crappy jobs. I'm also reminding him that in this economic "climate" having a full-time job, let alone well paid and really not very demanding, is something in itself to be happy about. Sure, we all have dreams, but for the time being I think we should just be grateful for what we have. I think that one of the reasons he's behaving like that is that it's his first real job and he didn't have to put much effort in obtaining it. I think he just doesn't know how hard it can be to find a job. I don't think I could really talk to him openly about that because whenever I've tried, he gets defensive and just doesn't understand what I'm talking about. He keeps being in that "it's horrible" mode and my talking to him just doesn't do the job...

You've mentioned that you had experience with a negative person - could you tell me how did you cope? Any strategies?

Thanks!


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## EleGirl

If he wants another job, his best bet is to continue working this one and to keep applying for another one. He's lucky to have found a job... you know that.

Maybe the job is misserable. Maybe the people he works with/for are terrible. It does not matter, he can at least live because of the job.

It reminds of of an Abe Lincoln quote "A person is about as happy as they make up their mind to be."

Personally.. I'd put a little talk together and read him the riot act about being a brat. What he is doing is not charming, it's cruel. He can find a way to relieve his stresss... like an excercise program or a hobby that he can look forward to.


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## TryingToStayCalm

I'm just sad right now. Really sad. 

I just don't know what I'm doing wrong. This whole weekend he's been sulking, and now, right at the end of the day, we've had an argument. Each time he's angry/upset he behaves as if he was trying to prove that he's "independent" - so for example he doesn't want me to do his laundry. I'm quite traditional, and I like "taking care of him", which includes doing laundry. He knows that, but at times like this I feel that he just ignores that it means so much to me - because for him it's more important to prove something. Silly thing, but for me it means a lot (and it's not the first time). 

We (and me in particular) have been having such a hard time for the past three years. And I'm just so saaad that he has to add more negativity to this situation. 

As for his work - it's nice office job. 9-5, very respectable, deals with important issues but it's not stressful and people are really lovely (I've met them). 

I need a hug....


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## As'laDain

ok, do your self a favor! go out with friends, pick up a hobby that YOU enjoy, do something for you. tell me if im wrong, but im assuming it has become a pattern in your marriage: he *****es moans gripes about his life and you try your damndest to cheer him up, to get him to see the bright side of things. he is feeding off of your attention and will only continue to sulk even more. yes, he never seems happy, but trust me, you trying to make him feel better wont help at this point. i really dont know why people get into this funk, but they do. its like they get addicted to the attention they get, and in the end just wind up with a burnt out spouse. try acting like your give-a-damn is busted. if you dont and he never changes his attitude, your give-a-damn really will be busted, and that isnt a good place to be in.


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## accept

Maybe he resents you for some reason. Like having to support you and youre not working. This is his way at getting back at you. You dont once mention in your post if you love each other. I take it you dont have children. I say again make a recording of it. I dont think you should get into an argument about it. Its possible he is so used to it he cant help it anymore. I dont think its because its food and not clothes. Its most likely a very difficult and demanding job. One doesnt get paid for nothing. Does he at all discuss the job with you. I get the feeling that he doesnt. Maybe if he did that would cure him.


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## EleGirl

tryingtostaycalm said:


> i'm just sad right now. Really sad.
> 
> I just don't know what i'm doing wrong. This whole weekend he's been sulking, and now, right at the end of the day, we've had an argument. Each time he's angry/upset he behaves as if he was trying to prove that he's "independent" - so for example he doesn't want me to do his laundry. I'm quite traditional, and i like "taking care of him", which includes doing laundry. He knows that, but at times like this i feel that he just ignores that it means so much to me - because for him it's more important to prove something. Silly thing, but for me it means a lot (and it's not the first time).
> 
> We (and me in particular) have been having such a hard time for the past three years. And i'm just so saaad that he has to add more negativity to this situation.
> 
> As for his work - it's nice office job. 9-5, very respectable, deals with important issues but it's not stressful and people are really lovely (i've met them).
> 
> I need a hug....


(( hugs ))


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## EleGirl

If he wants to do his own laundry just let him. Don't get in a tiff about it. If him doing his own laundry is the worse thing in your life, you are blessed.

If I were you I'd look at doing a 180... not the 180 that's in my signature. A 180 were you do things quite a bit differently than you do now. Things are not working the way it is right now... so you need to stop doing things are you are right now.

If you go to the Divorce Buster's web site you can find an explanation of the 180.

Now about you. You say that you cannot find even an unpaid internship. Can you go back to school? Can you do some charity or volunteer work? Something to get active and out of the house?


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## TryingToStayCalm

Thanks for all your replies. I really mean it... 

I'm just sad that he can't even try to see the bright side. He does talk to me about his work, a lot, and always has been. I like that and I always listen to him, give him advice, etc. But general moaning like "everything's horrible" is really hard to pinpoint and then explain because it's "everything". I'm really trying to make the most from the situation we're in now, but it's so hard with his attitude. And I'm afraid that it's something that he picked up as a child - in his parents' house there was/is almost no laughter or even simple smiling. It was always so strange for me but I just thought that "every household is different". But seeing what I'm seeing now - I'm not sure if he'd be more positive even if he got into clothing. Maybe or maybe not. 

As for me... well, I do crave contact with other people but it's just not happening right now. I will be trying to go back to school when they start enrolment period and in the meantime - yes, I do charity/voluntary work. Whatever I can find. 

I think I'll just give up. I'm tired of everything. And recently, I feel really panicky when we argue, and especially afterwards - because I'm not sure if I'm good enough for anything. I used to be so self-confident. Then "life happened" and now I'm so self-conscious that I can't help thinking that everyone is better than me. I don't know why but somehow I feel so ... vulnerable, especially after we've argued. I can't find internships, I can't make him see the bright side. I feel useless...

Thanks for reading this...


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## TryingToStayCalm

Also when I've tried to tell him how I feel when he behaves like that he just dismisses what I'm telling him by saying "so now I can't be in a bad mood!" or "you just have to have a go at me". And I just want for him not to ignore me when he's angry and to appreciate what he has. 

A few days ago I met a girl, who is unemployed for more than a year, was heavily bullied at school, is disabled and has difficulty with speaking clearly what makes other people treat her as if she was retarded. But when you really listen to what she's saying, she's really smart and down-to-earth. And the other day, during a charity event we were running, she told me: "I always tell my mum that she shouldn't worry about me because there are lots of people that have it so much worse than me. Compared to them I'm really lucky". I wish he was there when she said that...

I don't want to be insensitive and that's why I patiently listen to his complaints. But sometimes I'd just like to tell him: please get real... but I don't. And we end up arguing under the pretence of something silly. And then "it's my fault" because I'm "just looking for a reason to argue and he can't be bothered and he just wants to have some peace". I want peace too - but not a fake one - with sulking and anger underneath...


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## TryingToStayCalm

Also when I've tried to tell him how I feel when he behaves like that he just dismisses what I'm telling him by saying "so now I can't be in a bad mood!" or "you just have to have a go at me". And I just want for him not to ignore me when he's angry and to appreciate what he has. 

A few days ago I met a girl, who is unemployed for more than a year, was heavily bullied at school, is disabled and has difficulty with speaking clearly what makes other people treat her as if she was retarded. But when you really listen to what she's saying, she's really smart and down-to-earth. And the other day, during a charity event we were running, she told me: "I always tell my mum that she shouldn't worry about me because there are lots of people that have it so much worse than me. Compared to them I'm really lucky". I wish he was there when she said that...

I don't want to be insensitive and that's why I patiently listen to his complaints. But sometimes I'd just like to tell him: please get real... but I don't. And we end up arguing under the pretence of something silly. And then "it's my fault" because I'm "just looking for a reason to argue and he can't be bothered and he just wants to have some peace". I want peace too - but not a fake one - with sulking and anger underneath...


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## s.k

I don't think you should try so hard as you are because the only one who is getting hurt by it is you. His not going to change being angry if you try or give in its a no win situation. Some colleges start courses in January check them out. When his angry or sulking leave him to it explain to him that you don't want to argue and when his ready come talk to you.


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## Jellybeans

Sorry to hear you are experiencing this.

This would drive anyone batty.

Stop doing his laundry. Explain to him how his attitude is annoying and how he should look on the bright side. Also tell him you don't appreciate him blowing off your feelings...that it makes you feel like he is discounting how you feel when you voice your concerns and when he takes his anger out on you.

Suggest marriage counselling.

Busy yourself with hobbies, make new friends, join a gym. You cannot change him or his attitude, you can only change how you react to him. 

I have been you before and it sucked. People like that really do suck the life out of you. 

Realize, the problem is his, not yours.


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## HelloooNurse

Do what my mother did and keep mentioning the "starving kids in Ethiopia" every time he starts to eat a meal.


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## EleGirl

"so now I can't be in a bad mood!" 

Stop complaing about his bad moods. When he acts like that do whatever you can to get away from him. Busy yourself, go to another room or leave the house. Get busy doing your own thing. If he says anything, just tell him that he's obviosly in a bad mood and you respect his right to his own moodes. But you are not going to be part of it.

OFten times people who are in bad moods all the time around their spouse are simply throwing tantrums like a two year old. In order for the mood to have the affect they want they need an audience. So deprive him of the audience and get busy living your own life.

When my son was in his terrible 2's he threw all kinds of fits. I realized at one point that he needed an audience. So when he'd do his little act I'd tell him that it was his job to calm himself down and leave the room. Well he'd stop his tantrum and follow me. Once I was settled somewhere else in the house... he turn on the tantrum.. he had complete control over it... switch on, switch off, switch on. I got to where I would close the door so he could not see me... if I did this he would not switch on the tantrum... it was no fun.. no audience.

Your husband is acting like a 2 year old.


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## TryingToStayCalm

To "HelloooNurse": I did something similar to what you're suggesting - mentioned unemployed and/or homeless people whenever he started moaning about his work. No effect. 

To "EleGirl": I know that this behaviour feeds on audience and I do busy myself when he's in that mood and try not to talk to him. I just leave him alone. In the past it did work but now it doesn't seem to. Now when I don't respond to his bad mood it doesn't go away - it just continues. And after two-three days I become so drained emotionally, that I just want to clear the atmosphere and try making him talk to me.

I have also noticed that if he's alone (and each one of us has been travelling quite a lot for various reasons), his mood is really bad (if everything isn't going perfectly). It's as if it was me who is making him smile and realise that even when things are tough you really can have a laugh. This is the way I was brought up (my mother taught me that by her example - she tends to have a really hard time but somehow manages to have a good laugh). But he was brought up in a house where "doom and gloom" ruled. They had a lot (not only in terms of money) but moaned constantly. But the worst thing is that for people from outside the family they were covering it up by saying that they are "very happy and everything is great". I always thought it was a bit "schizophrenic" but was too young to say anything.

And I'm afraid that he just copies that pattern - but I can't live like that. I do have really bad moods myself, but for me it's so uncomfortable that I try doing anything to make it better (even if it means quitting/leaving/getting rid of what makes me unhappy). He, on the other hand, won't quit anything but also won't do anything so that that situation becomes better. The best example is when he has a headache - he will moan that his head will explode in a minute but he won't take an aspirin. Why? Because not. End of story. As if he preferred to be stuck in that bad situation. I don't know. The only thing I know is that I would like for us to have a breather and just live. And not having to deal with moaning all the time. 

Also, I have no idea how to distinguish between giving him space to just "calm himself down" when he's in that mood, and being simply insensitive and ignoring his needs. 

How do you do that?


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## As'laDain

simple. dont give him anything he wants while he is being a whiney little *****. tell him to fix himself or quit his moaning. its my experience that the more people suffer, the less they ***** and moan during the times when there is nothing wrong. 

i know when im not in the middle of a cluster headache, life is ****!ng beautiful...


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## FirstYearDown

Sometimes my husband moans about his job too. I just remind him of the year when he couldn't find work, and that stops the whining.

I also tell him that it is not fair to complain about his chosen career, when I can only get stupid McJobs that pay very little and have awful people working at these fly by night places. 

So now I have to return to school, when I am five months shy of my 30th birthday. It is either this or settle for minimum wage for the rest of my life. I have more ambition than that.

Some people don't realize how blessed they are.


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## TryingToStayCalm

To As'laDain 
"its my experience that the more people suffer, the less they ***** and moan during the times when there is nothing wrong"

It's my experience too - and actually my own experience. For the past few years I've been having a really hard time and I've come to a point where I appreciate even one calm day. 

To FirstYearDown:
That's the thing - he has a really good job and I can't find even an internship. Before I did have a job - but really crappy, where the boss was verbally abusive towards me. And all that having a postgraduate degree - but the times are tough now and everyone struggles. That's why I'm sometimes boiling with anger when he starts moaning.... and then I'm just sad...


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## FirstYearDown

*hug* I have had people send emails to my colleagues, threatening to hit me. I have had Muslim women try to get me in trouble with HR, because it "didn't look like I was wearing a bra." (I was.)

So when we have these awful experiences, it is very difficult to listen to our husbands complain about their careers. They have decent salaries, benefits and stability. We are floundering or having to go to school, like we are 17.


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## TryingToStayCalm

Thanks, FirstYearDown. I can see you understand what I'm talking about. In my previous job my boss was constantly yelling at me so it was really tough...


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## birdy

hi trying to stay calm, 
everything you are saying seems like its modelled on my life!
I’m in exactly the same situation, I’m 27 and moved to Ireland 4 years ago with my husband (Irish) to meet his family for the first time (we got married in Australia) 

It was the most intense experience of my life meeting his family, his friends being in his country without anything of my own.
don’t get me wrong for the first year it was amazing, then we went to a festival, he got drink in the back seat of a van with a girl, introduced me to her as his wife, then slept with her. We had such a strong relationship then. I forgave him thinking "yeah, it was just a extremely drunk, massive mistake on his part".
He’s never cheated on me again and never would, but I sometimes think I should have seen that as a warning and left.
for the past year and a half he has been moaning about EVERYTHING, about having no money, even though he has a car a truck and a motorbike sitting outside, about how our house sucks, we are renting a house for cheap mates rates from a friends sick father, it’s one of the nicest areas in Ireland. Amazing views of the beach etc. about his college, he’s on his final year of a 4 year course, he’s doing so well but every day when he gets up tells me that he’s "going to chuck it in" that he cant be ****ed. 
As soon as he wakes up he just starts complaining, the house is a mess, there’s no food look at this **** place were in.
I try to perk him up saying that well be out of college soon and doing our thing but he just thinks that all of a sudden well be out of college and be able to have a nice house of our own and everything will right as rain he also wants everything right now.

he gets so sulky he comes home from school and see's me, its like a flick switches in his head and we just start having pointless arguments, he ends it by saying "I was having such a good day before I came home, I hate this place".
And then just storms around the house talking to me like a child all night or ignoring me.

his doctor tryed to put him on anti depressants last week, I cant stop thinking that he’s just depressed cos he’s with me but dose not know that he is depressed because of me.
I think sometimes he would be so much better off without me and I think I should just leave. its making me feel very deflated alone and question who I am as all self confidence has diminished.

in all fairness I did try to leave him 6 months ago because he was a horrible drinker, crying, tantrum throwing, being absolutely horrible to me. so he gave up drinking, he a very good man, but his moods are so bad I’m unsure how to handle it.



sorry for the rant, I feel I cant talk to anyone about this.
have you had any break through?


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