# Right of 1st Refusal



## PM720 (Oct 10, 2012)

Hey,

So divorce is finally final. I think I did alright and I am happy with the agreement. Would have liked more time with the kids (55/45), but I think I made out OK in the end.

Anyway, my issue now is with the Right of 1st Refusal. Our settlement agreement states that if one of us is going to be away from the kids for over 4 hours, that we must first ask the other parent if they want the children.

So my understanding is, If I am at work, then I have to ask their mom if she wants the kids, during that entire time period. Am I correct? She interrupts it as, she gets home 1.5 hours before I do, so she can pick up the kids from my aunt's house and take them to hers. I would then need to go to her house and pick them up. I don't believe this is how the law works.

If she were a reasonable person I wouldn't have much of an issue. Except that she is often rude and nasty when I interact with her. Sends me nasty text messages and constantly insults me. So, obviously I would rather not go to her house.

Can anyone tell me what the correct answer is? Does the right of 1st refusal mean the entire time period that I am gone or can she pick and choose which hours she can have the kids during that time period?


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Wait, on your 45% of the time with the kids your ex wants to take the kids from your babysitter while you're at work?


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

My ex and I have this in our agreement, too. But we didn't set a minimum amount of time for it to kick in. If either of us are not able to have DS on a day we would normally have him, we are supposed to give a minimum of 24-hour notice to the other parent (barring emergency or illness, of course) to see if he/she wants DS before the other parent gets a friend/babysitter instead. We also don't require the person to take for the entire day. 

This hasn't been much of a problem, as I've made it clear from the beginning that the divorce is the only reason I'm not there with my son everyday. I'll take as much time as I can, and rarely have I turned my ex down a chance for extra time. Likewise, he's nearly always taken him in an emergency. 

If it wasn't for the animosity between the two of you, would it be a problem otherwise if she was with the kids during that time? Are you not wanting them to have the extra time with their mom (it's not technically taking time from you personally, as they wouldn't be with you anyway)? If that's the case, request that she bring them to your place or to a neutral drop-off place, like a supermarket parking lot, or something like that. 

IMO, if you've agreed to the idea of Right of First Refusal anyway, it's because you both are recognizing that you think it's preferable for the kids to be with one of their parents if at all possible.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are right. This is not how it works.

How old are your children? 

How many hours a day are they in day care?

I think that the disruption of going to day car, her house and then your house is too much.


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## wtf2012 (Oct 22, 2012)

In my state right of first refusal does not apply when family is watching kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

Yep. That's the way it works.

The idea is that if you can't be with the kids, you rather leave them with the other parent and give them more time together, instead of dumping them with a babysitter or leaving them home alone.

I too, insisted that this be included in our parenting agreement. 

My wife works in retail and often works weekends and evenings. She's required to inform me of her work schedule as soon as she knows what it is. So, I'll be getting extra time with the kids during the school year, and sometimes on the weekends in the summer, too.

I work a regular M-F day shift, so she'll pick up some extra time with them on weekdays during the summer.

Forget about how your ex acts towards you... This is about the kids.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

If they are old enough just get them in the habit of coming out when you honk. This isn't a date; you don't have to go to the door. I struggled with having to see ex all of the time. 

Also, ignore the nasty comments. Shut them down. You can't stop them but if it's in person or on the phone you can certainly say "if you need to talk about the kids/their schedule/etc then let's resolve that. Otherwise I'm going to hang up now as this is no longer productive. And hang up. If it's in text, tell her that and ignore every message until it is about the kids. Don't reply to anything else. She will eventually stop - it only took a couple months to get ex trained. He still goes on and on in emails on occasion but I stopped engaging there, too. I see no need to justify myself to him and you don't have to, either.


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