# Looking for advise



## nytoia (Jul 1, 2007)

I just registered here, actually thinking it was a live chat room, but as I started reading people's story I realized that this might not be that bad after all. I'll try to keep my situation short. I'm 31 years old and have been with my husband for 15 years (married 8). We were high school sweethearts. A week before our 8th wedding anniversary my husband came home and told me that he isn't happy. He said that he doesn't love me like he used to, that at times when we are intimate that it's just sex for him, and that he isn't sure if he wants to be married anymore. 

Let me take a step back three years ago my husband walked in and told me he didn't want to married and wanted us to separate. I can't put into words how much this shocked me, because there were NO WARNING SIGNS!!!! Since there was no getting through to him I found the strength to give him what he wanted and started a new life for myself, so I thought. The night before I was to move into my new apartment he cried like and baby and literally begged me on his hands and knees to take him back. He wanted to work things out, realizing that he made a big mistake.

OK, now to the present. We are not in our house two years yet, and again my husband is telling me he wants out. He states that he is stressed. His job is stressing him out (he is a cop), but he won't tell me why, our house, I'm guessing it's because he wants to do things to it but doesn't have the time. I know it's not a money thing because we both have very good paying jobs. Last but not least (actually this is at the top of his list), ME!!!!!!

Why do I stress him out, let's see..... My husband is 34 years old and feels that there is nothing wrong with going out after work and not letting me know. He feels there is nothing wrong with sitting at a bar and drinking until the next morning (meaning walking into the house at 6:00 a.m). He feels there is nothing wrong with driving home impaired or wasted at times, and he feels there is nothing wrong with verbally abusing me because I'm up when he comes home. Oh yeah, but he has no memory of the verbal abuse!!!!!
Why am I up when he gets home, you ask.... for starts just to ease my mind that he is in one piece, and to see what type of morning it's going to be. Depending on how much he drinks, depends on how harsh the words that come out of his mouth are. Also I try to prevent things from being left on and or open (i. e. my frig all night because he has no clue that he was in it, or a pot on my stove, with nothing in it with the stove being on). Laslty I make sure that he doesn't hurt my cats. (aside.... I have two cats who I love with all my heart and the first time this happened they helped me get through this. They are very loving and when my husband is in his state he can't be bothered with them and at times he has pushed them some what aggressively away from him).

Now I know if people are reading this you will tell me that he has a drinking problem and you are 110% correct. I really do know that. The issue I'm having is that he feels he doesn't have one and that I'm the one with the problem. I don't let him live his life and I'm smothering him. 

Other issues I'm having with him is that I feel he has some type of depression (which runs in his family), again he feels that he isn't. My husband has changed so much since he became a cop that at times I feel that he is a complete stranger. 

I'm at a crossroad right now. He has asked to give him time. It will be two weeks on Tuesday since he broke this to me again and we have not spoken one word. I told him I would give him time, but to be honest how much time is fair. I'm in the process of looking at all my options, which is the crossroads for me. I know my husband won't get help, and since he has hurt me again, I don't think I can take him back and fogive him yet again. At the same time, if I walk away from him and he hits rock bottom I don't think I could live with the guilt. So what are my options.....

1. Once again do all the work for my husband and end this, for good this time. Sell the house and we both go our separate ways in NY. 

2. Do the work for my husband and end this for good and pack up my cats and relocate, where I can start my life over.

Now I know some would say, that relocating is a drastic move, but let me fill you in on this a little. Where I would like to move is Iowa. Now before you ask why let me tell you. I travel there for business a lot and in the past 7 years have grown to love it. It's exactly what I'm looking for, slower pace, cheaper living, close community family, etc.... The people that work with out there have become close freinds of mine, and it will be tougher for me to take my husband back for a 3rd time. 

See I love my husband with all my heart and I know the type of person he is as well as myself. When I leave is when he will realize what he has lost (again) and he will do the same thing again, he will ask me to take him back, and because I love him and want to protect him I most likely will even through I know it's wrong on so many levels.

So moving to Iowa, I can escape all that drama and start a new life for myself where very few people know me in a place where I feel safe and loved.

The hold up....... my job here in NY. I love my job and make good money. I know money isn't everything but my boss will freak if he knew I was leaving the state. My other hold up..... will I find a job out there making enough for me to live on. I will be taking more then a 50% pay cut and yes the cost of living is cheaper, but I have a fear that I won't find a job.

So much for making this short. Bottom line is I'm looking for advise as to what I should do, I know in the end people can't tell me what to do, that I'm the only one that can make this choice, but I don't have a support system here (not close to my family at all), and I just need guideance. 

I know what I want. I want to start my life, with some one who loves me unconditionally and wants to come home to me at night. I want to be happy, start a family, and just stop crying every night trying to figure out what I did wrong in my life to derseve this!!!!


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## fruitloop70 (Jul 1, 2007)

Dear NYTOIA,

I am dealing with some of the same feelings you are. I am also married to a retired cop. We moved away from my family and friends two years ago so I am here with him and my two children.

My husband doesn't drink and go out but he doesn't show he loves me either. So needless to say I am lonely.

I can't give you advise because I simply do not know what to do with my own life. What I do know is that we both deserve to be happy and I do feel for you and understand you. 

I truly hope you can find a solution to your problem.

Fruitloop70


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## happygirl88 (Jul 2, 2007)

*not much help*

You are right, I can't tell you what to do except this. I have a friend who is soooo completely unhappy in her marriage and has told me time and time again that she does not love her husband and she's not really sure if she ever really did. I simply tell her this. I can't tell you whether or not you should get a divorce. You just do whatever it is that you need to do to make yourself happy. If getting a divorce and starting a new life is what it takes, then that's what you need to do. I know this may not help, but I feel from your story that you deserve to be happy just like my friend. I'm one of the lucky ones I guess you could say because I've been happily married for almost 6 years and my husband is wonderful to me. This is a rariety in my family since both of my sisters are in their 3rd marriage. But, they did what they needed to do to make themselves happy and I have nothing but respect for them. Hope things work out for you in your future. Good Luck!


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## KAISER (May 29, 2007)

*demand a change*

I would demand he get help for his drinking problem first before you can even attempt to work on you marrital issues.If he can overcome his drinking problem then maybe you can adress some of your other problems.I would suggest that you let him read your post and it should become very clear to him that if he values your marriage he will make a honest effort to change.In my own marriage, it may already be too late but I am definitely going to change some of my own bad habits concerning my treatment of a darn good women whose feelings I have neglected over the years.I wish you the best of luck finding happiness again.


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## SageMother (Jun 28, 2007)

I am probably a rare breed here but, in your shoes, there would be a divorce and I would initiate it.


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## MrsLV (Jul 3, 2007)

I'm a firm believer that the truth lies within yourself. You already know the answer, don't you? It's that little voice inside of you that gives you honesty even when you don't want to hear it. The trick is to totally fall in love with yourself enough to want the very best for YOU. Once you do that, you'll begin to put YOU first and not feel guilty for taking care of YOURSELF. He's a grown man, obviously. And like you said, once you leave he will realize his mistake and try to get you back...so if you know that and he knows that, why is he playing games at your expense?
I think you already know that you will be leaving and that you will be in Iowa, so why not begin seeking a job there, doing phone interviews, and also schedule interviews when you have to travel there on business. Secure a job there and then you won't have to worry about finances. You are already going through crap at home, so just get it in your mind that this is the move you are going to make, and begin to prepare. And who knows, perhaps if he notices you not paying so much attention to what he's doing and how he's feeling, he may realize that he's not the center of attention anymore and begin to realize he's making a mistake BEFORE you actually leave. 
Put yourself first in this situation, and you'll be okay.


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## quelinda (Jul 5, 2007)

If you dont have any kids together, I personally see no reason whatsoever to stay. Just because you've been together this long is not a good enough reason, and once you have a baby it gets a lot harder to leave. I have a strong feeling you'll find that family man in IA who will treat you so well. Start looking for a job there just to see what comes up. NY (if you're in the city) is a hard life full of stress and aggravation (though lots of fun and excitement too). Sounds like you're in the mood for change so go for it! Dont let an abusive drunk hold you back. Let him worry about himself and get himself together. Who needs or wants to be around all that negativity!


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