# What to do?



## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

I am completely at a loss. My situation is not nearly as dire as some. My husband has never been physically abusive. He is, however very verbally and emotionally abusive, at times. We have been married for nearly 12 years and together for 15. He had three children from previous marriages, and I had two when we got married. All of those children are now grown and living on their own. We also have a 9 year old son together. 

Before we got married, he had become very grumpy. I pulled him to the side one day and tearfully told him that I was with him because I loved him, but my children were with him because I was. I told him that I was responsible for my children and they would always come first. I told him that he needed to find his happy place, or I would be forced to leave. Things got better for a couple of years.

That's when he started having problems. In January of 2001, he started having pain that doctors just couldn't figure out. All told, he's had eight surgeries plus another non-surgical hospitalization since we've been together. Our son was born in 2003. By 2004, he was no longer able to hold down a steady job because of the pain. I have taken him to countless doctors and been thrown out of emergency rooms as "drug-seekers" while looking for a diagnosis. I'll be taking him for yet another surgery in less than two weeks to try to treat the pain.

In 2008, my youngest daughter graduated high school and moved to be near her father and attend college. Three months prior to her graduation, my husband moved to a larger city and got a job in preparation for my and our son to follow after my daughter moved. During those three months, he had an affair. He didn't tell me until I had left a good-paying job with the state to move. At that point, I had no job, no friends or family. I had no choice, I felt, but to fight for my marriage.

He only knows one way to express any negative emotion. That is through anger. He yells, is sarcastic, and can be downright mean and hurtful. To make matters worse for him, his pain has completely immasculated him. The pain centers around his testicles. I have told him multiple times that I could go the rest of my life without sex, as long as we still shared intimacy. It wasn't a lie. The problem is, that there is a total lack of intimacy. We share the same kind of kisses that he would have shared with his mother. We don't touch. We don't talk.

We moved last year to live near my two older children and our grandchildren. Since we have been here, he has completely alienated himself from everyone. He is downright hostile toward my daughter. I try, without success to intervene and calm the situation, but usually to no avail. Our son sees all of this and routinely goes to his room and cries. 

About 2 1/2 months ago, I suggested that he should go speak with a psychologist to deal with his anger and depression. He went to one appointment for triage, and was sent home with paperwork that was to be filled out and returned. It's still on our desk. About a month ago, I told him that I was considering leaving. The stress in this house has become too much. I'm unable to concentrate at work, and my grades in college are suffering, as well. I told him that I felt we needed marriage counselling, because I didn't know what else to try. He rolled his eyes in response. After a week had passed with no action on his part, I began trying to get the clinic near our home added to my employer's EAP and get an appointment through them. It took two weeks, but I finally got it done. I printed my triage paperwork, filled it out, and faxed it in the same day. 

Unfortunately, going through the EAP saved us money, but cost us time. I couldn't get an appointment until next Monday. He saw my frustration at his inaction, and finally took the hint after I asked him daily if he'd had any luck getting us an appointment through his insurance. We actually had an appointment on 4/1. On Sunday, he had overdone it, though, and hurt to badly to go Monday morning to counselling. 

He tells me that he would do anything to save our marriage. All that I have asked of him is to be civil to my daughter, and to go to counselling with me. It appears he's unable to do the first and reluctant to do the second. Our son feels completely abandoned by him. 

This evening, in one of his characteristic fits of anger, he stormed to the kitchen and began cleaning up after supper. That is generally the time that I work on my school work, and I usually wash the dishes the next afternoon when I get home from work. Tonight that was just not good enough. He was slamming dishes around, demanding that my daughter come in and do the dishes. He mopped the kitchen floor after the dishes were washed. By then, I was sending our son to bed. I told him to go give his father a kiss and a hug. He dutifully walked to the kitchen to tell his dad goodnight, and received a scolding because the floor was still damp. No kiss. No hug. No goodnight or I love you. Just harsh words. 

I may nor may not deserve better than this, but I'm darn sure that my son does. I'm just afraid that he would be devastated if we moved away from his dad. I also worry that my husband would become suicidal should I leave. That's something that he's said to me on numerous occasions. I just don't know what to do. I'm going through with the counselling. I'm just not sure that I hold out much hope, at this point. Please, any suggestions are encouraged and very appreciated.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Hi MattsMom,

I am sorry for what's happening. You are so used to tip toeing through a minefield your only expectation is for a few mines to be removed? I hope you find your anger and stand up for yourself and your kids. 

First, lets deal with how chronic pain can make a person crazy. Your H has been in pain for years, had multiple surgeries, seen countless doctors, and the pain is still there? Has he seen a pain specialist? If not find one and make an appointment. Chronic pain can make a person crazy, yes that bears repeating. I wonder why none of his docs have referred him for psychiatric care, or for acupuncture? If a person suffers chronic pain and medical docs can't fix it, then that person must learn to live with said pain and the only way to do that is through counseling. So this whole pain thing plays a big and mysterious role in what is going on with your H.

Second, bravo for forcing marriage counseling. Lets hope the marriage counselor will refer him to individual therapy so he can learn coping skills so he is NOT a beast due to low frustration tolerance. I bet on good days, your H is a pretty decent guy. I bet you would like to see that guy a heck of a lot more often than you are currently. With antidepressants and therapy, he can learn to bring that decent guy back on a regular basis.

Third, your boundaries are too weak my dear. Getting his pain/frustration tolerance taken care of and under control is number one. If he fails to make it a priority, he has failed to be a spouse. He cannot expect you or your kids, to take his abuse, and it is abuse, indefinitely. Get help or get out! It really is that simple.

Good luck!


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## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

Anon Pink:

You're absolutely correct. I'm an incredibly co-dependent enabler. I know that he's in pain, and I don't want to make things worse for him, but who suffers the consequences for that? He does go to pain management, but as yet, hasn't found the magic ****tail to make things tolerable. He's been on antidepressants for several years. I just can't seem to get through to him that he has to talk to someone to get through this and that I can't always be that person, because I'm too close to the situation to be completely objective.

I have considered the question whether his pain may be psychosomatic. I don't know the answer to that. Hopefully this procedure will make things tolerable for him. Hopefully he will commit to the counseling. Hopefully we can make this work. 

After last night's tirade, I have decided that our 9 year old needs to go to counseling, as well. He's hurting, and won't talk to me about it because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings. I've told him that my feelings aren't nearly as important in this thing as his are, and that it's my job to look out for him. He just looks at me with these big, sad, blue eyes and breaks my heart.

Thank you for pointing out the blatantly obvious. I do need to grow a backbone and stand up to him. If not for my own sake, then for our son's. If he is unable to deal with that, then he can make whatever decision he feels necessary.

Thank you so much,
mattsmom


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Your son is hurting... I imagine he feels rejected big time. Heart breaking! See if you can get your son to write a letter about how he feels. Feeling rejected by a father to a son... Horrible! 

I'm so glad to know you recognize how destructive enabling can be. Your son is 9 and that's the time when he should be feeling like he is just the greatest. You still have a window open to fix this destruction with your son, but only if your H steps up. You have to force it HARD, for your son at the very least.


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