# being gay after years of marriage



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

It seems that there is a rash of women who after raising a family in a traditional marriage. Decide that they are now gay?


I have met more and more people who have had this happen.

were these people bisexual? and if thats the case then they are poor excuses for humans. get married have a family then when the kids are gone say Oh by the way I just realized I'm gay. So I'm going the take half of everything after I've been lying to you all these years.

I know they were confused and it took awhile to figure it out.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

if anything it'll start happening less since homosexuality is becoming more accepted (after a spike) and people can stop hiding their sexuality identity before being pressured into marrying. (btw, it happens a lot with husbands too, it's not just women)


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I wonder more about gay men who get married to women.

As already pointed out, there is a period of shame perhaps and confusion, but how do gay men fake it through marriage? Perhaps a small percentage are bisexual, but the overwhelming majority must be actually gay. Don't quite get how they can get through man/woman marriage that way.

I have heard (and I can't back up my heresay with studies, so I could be wrong) that up to 30% of gay men have tried traditional man/woman marriage. How does that work. How does one fake it?

Also I've heard that bisexuality in women is far more prevalent than true bisexuality in men. Anybody have data/information on this, rather than 'I heard'?

As to the original comment, I guess it's just that these 'gay' women are just not sure of their sexuality and are under pressure to marry traditionally. I don't think there's that many that go into marriage fraudulently. That's just my guess though.


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

It's would seem to be a lot easier for a woman to 'fake it' than a guy.

Thoughts?


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Could be that the total number of gay and bisexual people will increase because it is more acceptable.

Many men wouldn't mind if their wives had a bisexual itch that did not threaten the primacy of their marital relationship. Some may even feel that it is okay for their wife to have sex with women outside of marriage.

The same is not true of women. I would guess that most don't want a bisexual husband. The mind movies of a boyfriend or husband having MM sex must be a deal killer for most. But maybe some women will chime in and say they don't mind if their husband was into men in early 20s and now is hetero.


----------



## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

I know of a guy that did that too. I guess he was from a conservative religious family and tried to suppress it and go along in hopes he would 'get over it'.

I don't think that ever works, and is amazingly unfair to the spouse (there was nothing she could have done more, or better, or differently to save the marriage). Basically he was living a lie, which never ends well.

On the positive side, they didn't have kids.


----------



## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

Straight women (and men) leave, lie their whole marriage, and take half as well. "Oh by the way, I really didn't mean for the rest of my life when we got married. I want to go see if I can find a better man."


There is no difference other than it's just another excuse. Some women aren't gay (because they have always wanted women), but because their husbands treated them so poorly, they did fall for a better person, who happened to be the same sex. Especially if this person actually cared about their needs and sat down and listened/gave attention.


----------



## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

...and some do have mid life crisis, hit their sexual peaks, and realize that women treat them better.


----------



## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I've seen more men make that leap than women. 

In one scenario it was explained to me that he really wanted a family and the only way he could have one was by marrying a woman. 

It's sad when you think about it. I know I couldn't have lived 30 years as a gay man in order to have a family only to come out of the closet as straight once the kids were grown.


----------



## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

In 1967, in the case of Loving v. Virginia interracial marriage became legal everywhere in the U.S. 

However, it wasn't legality that made people of other races suddenly start finding each other attractive and even fall in love with each other. Consensual (not just master-slave), interracial relationships occurred long before that - though in secrecy.

Similar to interracial attraction, homosexual, heterosexual, bi-sexual attraction has always existed. I don't think anyone "becomes" Gay or bisexual anymore than I have never had to become straight...and only straight. Though I can appreciate female beauty and even objectively consider another woman sexy, I am repulsed by the idea of myself performing oral sex on another woman... pity because I think the other aspects of having a wife could be quite nice. 

Basically, I believe that bigotry and prejudice drives people into the closet.

The teenage boy that likes fat girls might be embarrassed to actually date a fat girl, lest his friends poke fun.

The atheist with devout parents might never tell them that they don't believe in God anymore.

The 1960's white man who was in love with a black woman might not marry her because it just wasn't done in "polite society."

So it makes sense to me how someone could be secretly Gay and try to live the lie and not be their authentic self when doing so would make them an "other", an outcast, deviant and not part of the group.

As homosexuality becomes more accepted, it will seem like there are more gay people but the larger numbers will just reflect what was always there, though in secret and hopefully less "sham" marriages will result.


----------



## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I have a friend who after her divorce, and it was a nasty divorce with years of infidelity by him, is now in a very loving, stable relationship with a woman. They live together. Her family and children are totally accepting of it. I never saw it coming. My friend doesn't call herself a lesbian. The woman she is in a relationship is a lesbian and I think has only had relationships with women. My friend said it's one kind of a one-off thing. As far as women go, she hasn't been attracted to other women before. Just this one other woman. I've met her girlfriend. They seem so happy together. It's a stark contrast to her marriage.


----------



## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

I am guessing that because same sex lifestyles are getting accepted everywhere, and the proliferation of gay porn, that men in sexless marriages might be coming out either bi or gay. The sexless marriage leads to the porn for masturbation. He accidentally stumbles on some tranny porn, and it is a hidden surprise pleasure. Then a little gay porn, some cam chatting online...and poof...he is hooking up with guy on craigslist.

Some with, and some without, the knowledge of the sexless wife.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> and if thats the case then they are *poor excuses for human*s.


And I'd say it takes one to judge one so harshly.

Seriously, what's your problem, here?

I suspect such people don't have a strong sexual identity when they're young, and went with social pressures and conventions. Eventually, they discover that their sexual identity isn't what they thought - that's hardly their fault, now, is it?

I briefly dated a woman in high school who has remained a lifelong friend. She got married the same year as me. She had kids about the same time. She got divorced the same year as me. I knew her husband well, too. As it turned out, she finally figured out she was bi, with more of a lesbian leaning, and that's how she's lived her life since.


----------



## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

This happened in my family. My aunt, (mom's sister), was married for 20+ years to my uncle. They didn't have any kids together but my cousin is from a very brief marriage my aunt had before she met my uncle. I think near the end of the marriage he had an affair or the beginnings of one but I think they were heading for divorce anyway. 

A few years after the divorce, she came to the conclusion that she was a lesbian or at least that is when she came out. What was weird, (or maybe not weird), was that no one was really that surprised. My cousin was totally okay with it. My aunt has had two long term relationships since her divorce but they didn't work out. When I found out, it was no big deal. She is like a 2nd mom to me. She is the most kindest, sweetest person and she is always right there when someone needs help.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Married but Happy said:


> And I'd say it takes one to judge one so harshly.
> 
> Seriously, what's your problem, here?
> 
> ...


REALLY?

I think is very selfish to marry someone when your unsure of your sexuality. and wasting someone life when they finally decide......guess what I'm gay so I'll be moving on now that I wasted all you youthful years. 

I guess I'm not so forgiving


----------



## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

*Re: Re: being gay after years of marriage*



chillymorn said:


> REALLY?
> 
> I think is very selfish to marry someone when your unsure of your sexuality. and wasting someone life when they finally decide......guess what I'm gay so I'll be moving on now that I wasted all you youthful years.
> 
> I guess I'm not so forgiving


I agree that it is "selfish". Still I am able to see both sides of the coin. I feel sorry for anyone that's wasted years with someone that could never truly love them back in a certain way. However I also feel sorry for anyone who was so afraid or ashamed that they felt they couldn't be who they really are so went with the status quo to be accepted in society. That people feel they have to do this is the bigger travesty IMO, while I feel both are sad and feel sorry for both but if it came down to it, I feel worse for the Gay person. The straight person got the short end of the stick in the marriage. The Gay person gets the short end of the stick in life.

It wasn't that long ago in the US where blacks that looked white, "passed" themselves off as white so as to avoid racism. I see similarities with what has/is happening in the LGBT community as well. It is something that hads gone on for centuries, if not from the dawn of man... Georgie Porgie anyone?

Until people stop calling each other [email protected] to insult each other or use the word Gay to describe something unsavory or lame, I will feel that way.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Let's see I can think of 3 guys who did this.

1) My cousin's husband left her when their daughter was 10. He came out as gay.

2) One of my daughter's high school friends had her father do this when she was in high school. The mother was so freaked out that she went back to her home state. The daughter went back and forth between the parents. It really messed the girl up.

3) I used to know a guy, Steven, who left his wife after their children were in high school. He tried the homosexual thing for a while. Eventually he decided that he was really a woman in a man's body so he got a sex change operation. After he became a 'woman' he looked like Pres. Lincoln would as a woman, Stephanie. Very homely. But the oddest thing is that Stephanie was a lesbian.. 'she' had a very beautiful girl friend. So I guess Steve became Stephenie because at heart he was really a lesbian. :scratchhead: Stephanie was a brilliant computer scientist. But could not get the job she wanted because she could not get a security clearance do to her changing who she was so many times.


----------



## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Elegirl, I had an escrow once where the Seller purchased the home she was a woman but when she sold he was a man. She had changed her name to a man's name too. He had to provide us with all kinds of legal documentation proving the sex change and name change so the property could be properly transferred to the new owner.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

soccermom2three said:


> Elegirl, I had an escrow once where the Seller purchased the home she was a woman but when she sold he was a man. She had changed her name to a man's name too. He had to provide us with all kinds of legal documentation proving the sex change and name change so the property could be properly transferred to the new owner.


Crazy stuff. I can see how that would complicate the closing. I guess a person gets some kind of court documents that basically is a legal name and sex change? Is that right?


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

If it becomes easier for gay and lesbian parenting, over time their percentage of the population should grow, assuming that there is a genetic component that can be passed on.

Also, it is likely that two women will be able to benefit from IVF with eggs that are fertilized by their partners somatic cells, creating a female child that is 50% of each of them.

Will gay men have the same level of desire to have children that women do?


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

My ex husband decided after years of being with me that he couldn't continue as a man. At first asked if we could stay together after he started the change (I said no way), then after I left, -she- identified as a lesbian, then I learned a few months later through a mutual friend that she was now attracted to men and had a boyfriend. Last I heard she is living like a bisexual. 

So.... Heck if I know what others may go through dealing with sexual identity, but I do know that lying to your spouse and dragging them along for the ride while you figure it all out is not OK.

I also worked with a woman who came out as a lesbian, was married and was a grandma. She confided in me that her husband was quite devastated. She is happier now and it seems like this was a change she wanted later in life and told her husband right away. It still hurts, but in this case she wasn't intentionally deceiving him for years.


----------



## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

having a sex change man to woman, and then acting lesbian, should not be possible. I had a psychiatrist friend who did the REQUIRED screening for sex change patients. Wanting the change to allow lesbian sex was a immediate disqualifier.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I don't know the intricacies, but this was happening in the UK. I stopped contact early on. There's nothing for me to go on but my last days together and then word of mouth and I hope my old friends would not make any of this up. That would be rather cruel.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> REALLY?
> 
> I think is very selfish to marry someone when your unsure of your sexuality. and wasting someone life when they finally decide......guess what I'm gay so I'll be moving on now that I wasted all you youthful years.
> 
> I guess I'm not so forgiving


Really. 

40 years ago, it was pretty easy to NOT know much about bisexuality, and in the example I gave, I dated her and she seemed normally hetersexual to me. The equivalent selfishness today is probably the low libido person who marries a high libido person - shouldn't they know better than to waste all their youthful years with a sexless marriage? I suspect they just don't realize that they're LD and how that can affect a relationship.

So, I think you are confusing lack of self-knowledge with intention.


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> It seems that there is a rash of women who after raising a family in a traditional marriage. Decide that they are now gay?





jorgegene said:


> Also I've heard that bisexuality in women is far more prevalent than true bisexuality in men. Anybody have data/information on this, rather than 'I heard'?
> .



Ya'll are trying to apply the rigid, fixed male sexuality to the female variety, which is much more fluid. NYT: What Do Women Want?

Basically, these wives aren't necessarily craving poon for their whole married lives, as opposed to the phallic cravings of married homosexual males, but some woman starts an EA with her and it progresses from there.


----------



## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I've learned a lot about myself sexually in the past 18 months.

Perhaps you are just going about your life and pretending everything is fine. Like I was doing with my husband about never having an orgasm. Thinking I would take that secret to the grave.

Then maybe nearly 20 years have passed and the truth becomes too heavy to bear anymore. 

And you think - am I going to spend my whole life without ever having the sexual connection I hear other people taking about? And perhaps it just becomes too painful.

Ps - I'm not gay. Or bi. But I have seen the same process in my own life and have empathy for others as well.


----------



## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

it is also possible that the spouse is not necessarily gay. Maybe spouse is not enjoying sex with you, for one of the myriad of reasons often discussed on here. Spouse either reasons it out, or is titillated by internet same-sex porn, and gets the thought in their head "hey, maybe the reason I feel this way is I am gay?". Then it becomes a self-reinforcing thought pattern. Spouse flirts with a same sex person, gets aroused from that (possibly only because they were bored, etc, and this is something new and kinky) and says "see, I thought I was gay!". Then seeks out a same sex partner for an affair...then its D day and the spouse gets the shock of their lives when told their partner is gay.

I would bet that a lot of these "coming out" affairs/divorces are short lived. After actually shacking up...it is not so kinky anymore. The WS hears their body saying "hey, I am not really all that turned on by this". But it is too late, the previous marriage was trashed, so can not just slink back and apologize and carry on like nothing happened.

I think this might be the reason behind so many same-sex relationship break ups. They, statistically, do not last very long.

it is too bad there is not really a mechanism for "curious" married partners to try this out, get it out of their system, then recommit to the original partner with a renewed purpose in the marriage if they find they were only pseudo-gay. But, of course, the fact of trying the lifestyle out usually trashes the marriage.


----------

