# Wife's best friend problem



## trinitron (Apr 1, 2013)

Hello everyone,

Phase 1: So this has been going for past 2 years. As of late it became worse . I think my wife got closer to her. In the beginning I was okay with it, but as I started going to her house it become very difficult. The main problem started that I was bored to death. For 12 Hours I had to seat there and try to talk to people I have nothing in common with. For the time being, I was okay seating there up till about 10-11PM. But then it got the point where it would go on till 1-2-3AM. And in almost every case my wife would get so drunk that she falls asleep there. And I have to carry her out or this women insists she stays there. The other problem if she doesn't pass out, she gets sick and pukes everything out at home. That was phase I of the problem.

Phase 2: This phase is where I started getting mad because of the same drunk/late pattern. I realized that about 80% of these people are basically alcoholics. The reason I call them that is because I don't really drink. Most of these people at these gathering would get so wasted that they can barely stand up.
It took a while for this woman to realize that I don't drink. See drinking is part of their blood. They think that not drinking is not normal. And when I tried to explain that I don't like the taste of alcohol and dehydration I get from it, they don't get it.

Phase 3: So now I realized there is something wrong with this woman. I realized that she is trying to do all for her benefits. She doesn't work, she is bored, okay but at the same time she uses up wife's time to benefit herself. The reason I figured this out is that, on about dozen occasions I noticed this woman tries to waste a lot of time for her benefits. Let's say they want to meet at a specific location. And the location is the opposite direction. However if both of them agree to meet there, it would make most sense. So everytime, this woman would pick my wife up, make a huge circle, then go to this location. Whats really bad in this situation, they would hang out all day, then she would bring her to her house, then I have to pick her up 1AM drunk. Ye by the way, she has a husband and kid. There were other instances like she would do this. One time they bought something at a store chain. And she wants to return it. She can return it somewhere close to her house, no she needs to find an excuse to return that is close to our house. (Of course to hang out). So she would come up with any excuse just she could be with my wife. 

So here are my top issues: 
- This friend gets her drunk everytime. I feel like she is poisoning her. 
- She keeps her there till very late night. 
- If she hangs out with her, it will be morning to late night event.
- When I go to the parties, I hate it over there. I have 0 in common with any of them. And I don't drink. And wife wont let me use an iPad or something, she thinks that I am embarrassing her.

Here is the big one: 80% of all arguments are about this friend. 
There were arguments that I don't talk to these people. Then talks that I would like her not to drink as much, and she told the more you tell me that, the more I will get drunk. 

So it is a very big dilemma. I can't say one bad thing about her, otherwise she starts talking about divorce.

What should I do? 

Thanks!


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Problem is not the friend it's your wife.


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## MysteryMan1 (Nov 4, 2012)

richie33 said:


> Problem is not the friend it's your wife.


Bingo. Your wife is a grown woman, her friend can't make her do anything.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'll pile on.

The others are right. The probelm is not with your wife's best friend. The problem is your wife. She's choosing to go out and spend time with these people. She would like YOU to hang out with her too, but it's not your thing. 

Bottom line is, no one is making your wife do anything she doesn't want to do.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

trinitron said:


> So it is a very big dilemma. I can't say one bad thing about her, otherwise she starts talking about divorce.
> 
> What should I do?


Oh boy, there's a button of mine that just got pushed.

She wants to talk about divorce anytime you express how you feel about this friendship? As opposed to, you know, an adult conversation over the effect of this friendship on you, your wife, and the marriage?

Then fine, have that conversation with her. I predict that she'll start back-peddling, THEN maybe you can have a useful conversation. If she doesn't back down, that'll be useful information. You'll have to calmly determine what to do with it, but it's good information nonetheless.

But whatever you do, don't let your wife bully and threaten you into silence by merely invoking the "D" word.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

trinitron said:


> - This friend gets her drunk everytime. I feel like she is poisoning her.


Here's some food for thought: Alcoholism is called "the disease of denial." Those married to an alcoholic often take part in the "denial dance." Your focus is on a friend, who you claim gets your wife drunk.

I bet if you looked around your house, you would find a few hidden bottles. I also bet if you demanded your wife choose between you and drinking, you would be in for a sad surprise.

Put your foot down. Tell your wife you want her to cut out the boozing. Then see if she denies she has a problem, or defends her right to get drunk.

Oh, and her friend isn't the real issue here. Your wife's excessive drinking is.


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## Joey Joe Joe Jr. Shabadoo (Mar 22, 2013)

I'm dealing with some of this stuff myself right now. I think one thing I've found that helps is instead of trying to push my wife to change, I simply try to do the right thing myself. Be responsible, live how I want and in a way that is right, and also be an interesting person. That way I'm not always coming across as the "bad guy" who wants to get in the way of my wife having fun, which was a pattern that existed before. It's helped some and she doesn't want to go out as often as she did before. 

But also if divorce keeps coming up, you have a broader set of problems that just her social habits. I think if you focus on strengthening your overall marriage, the problem you mention specifically will also get better.


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## trinitron (Apr 1, 2013)

Prodigal said:


> Here's some food for thought: Alcoholism is called "the disease of denial." Those married to an alcoholic often take part in the "denial dance." Your focus is on a friend, who you claim gets your wife drunk.
> 
> I bet if you looked around your house, you would find a few hidden bottles. I also bet if you demanded your wife choose between you and drinking, you would be in for a sad surprise.
> 
> ...


I kind of did just the other day. Past 2 years I noticed she seems little buzzed, not fully 100%. That is when I found the hidden bottle. I was shocked and it was one of signs of alcoholic. I told her this is not a good sign of being an alcoholic. She denies that and says I am not. So the other day I told her you don't that to hide the bottles. It is okay. I still feel she will still hide them. So if she denies that she is alcoholic then there is no way to treat it in my opinion. See she can get drunk at home, I don't care because sometimes I get laid because of it. If she gets sick or falls asleep, she's under my care. The problem outside is that I have to monitor the situation like crazy. At a party I have to see ask her every 30 mins, are you still okay, because she might be too drunk and just fall asleep right there in that house. She doesn't know how to control. And what bothers me, is that everyone else at the party, even super wasted, they are still fine. What I am trying to say is that her best friend is adding to this alcohol problem. If she didn't have it, she would still drink but in a safer environment with me where I could control. Like at home, if she needs more beer and I see that she is done..I say no more... no more left, I won't go buy. At a party she will drink her 7th and 8th beer or wine because its there. So she crosses the limit at parties 90% of the time I'll say. I'll say half of the time she doesn't make it to the bedroom. One time it was really bad where I had to carry her and it was very very difficult to carry her. I didn't want to leave her in the car.

Can I approach her friend and tell her please make sure she doesn't get drunk? Is that going to complicate things?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

trinitron said:


> If she gets sick or falls asleep, she's under my care. The problem outside is that I have to monitor the situation like crazy. At a party I have to see ask her every 30 mins, are you still okay, because she might be too drunk and just fall asleep right there in that house. She doesn't know how to control. And what bothers me, is that everyone else at the party, even super wasted, they are still fine. What I am trying to say is that her best friend is adding to this alcohol problem. If she didn't have it, she would still drink but in a safer environment with me where I could control. ... One time it was really bad where I had to carry her and it was very very difficult to carry her. I didn't want to leave her in the car.
> 
> Can I approach her friend and tell her please make sure she doesn't get drunk? Is that going to complicate things?


^^^^ This. Read it again.

You are not respecting your wife's choice to drink herself crazy. In fact, you are the classic enabler. Why? Because you are NOT ALLOWING YOUR WIFE TO SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES OF HER ACTIONS/CHOICES. Please, step away from her addiction.

I've been married to an alcoholic for many, many years. And I can tell you that one of the very first things a newbie hears in Al-Anon are the three C's:

YOU DID NOT CAUSE IT.

YOU CANNOT CURE IT.

YOU CANNOT CONTROL IT.

I can tell you that your wife WILL find a way to get booze, regardless of how much you try to "control" her environment, the amount she drinks, or who she hangs with.

Do not speak with her friend(s). You are going to make yourself crazy. Trust me. You need to keep your hands off your wife's drinking problem, get back on your side of the street, and control what YOU can control; namely, yourself. 

Alcoholism is an equal-opportunity destroyer. It takes down everyone in its path. If you start trying to control your wife's drinking, you will discover just how insane things can really become. She is going to deny, deny, deny until SHE is ready to accept her life is unmanageable and out-of-control.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

If you wife needs that kind of monitering, you are getting into parent/child relationship territory, rather than husband and wife. I would let her dig her own grave. When she hits rock bottom, she will get help. Until then, there's nothing you can do except frustrate yourself. I say this coming from a family of alcoholics.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

trinitron said:


> I kind of did just the other day. Past 2 years I noticed she seems little buzzed, not fully 100%. That is when I found the hidden bottle.
> 
> So you know _she_ is the problem
> 
> ...


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

My first thought was it's the wife, not the friend. But this toxic friend isn't helping. Boozing it up with the girls and A LOT of disrespect for the husbands. Infidelity is SURE to follow. 

She needs to cut the toxic friend out of her life. I don't hear much talk of interventions on this board, but maybe here...


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