# Wonderful Christian family trying to get things "RIGHT"



## jaclynnbaker

Hello. I am new here and joined to seek some marriage advice for me and my DH. We are not sure that counseling is what we need at this point, but either way cannot afford it right now, so I am hoping to get some sound advice and direction on here. 
To start off, I have been raised in the church. I was saved as a teen and have had my struggles, but for the most part have always kept my faith. My DH on the other hand was not raised in church, had a very troubled past, and was an addict when we met. We married and I was the model "praying wife". I was patient and kind and dealt with some really horrible things that he put me through before coming to know Christ himself. Well, eventually all of my praying paid off and not only did God convict him of his sin and wrong living, he called him to the ministry to work and witness with troubled youth. It all happened so fast for me. I was so scared. I did not sign up for this! I married a bad guy...I was the victim. Now I am taking him to youth homes and prisons to witness? I feel that part of it was Satan leading me and I was so weak, but basically I made his life as a new working Christian horrible. I refused at night to pray together (crazy I know), I would constantly "watch" him to slip up and pounce if he ever did. I was horrible and unsupportive. I have no excuse for it and still to this day really do not understand myself why that I did this. It hurts me so bad when I remember what I put him through. I guess I thought I was punishing him for what he had done to me. He finally decided that he loved me, and the way he started treating me was so wonderful and greatful that I just abused it horribly. Again, I don't know why...it just happened that way. Well, now finally, he has had enough. He has told me that I have been a horrible wretch the past year or longer and that he is fed up. That I have pulled him away from God and pushed him away from me and that he wants nothing to do with me or God. I begged him and pleaded with him until he agreed for us to both start trying to follow Christ again. So, that is where we are. This happened yesterday. I don't "feel" close to Christ, close to my DH, and I don't feel he does either. I don't know what to do. We have not been to church in a month muchless read together or studied or prayed. We have just went through so much spoiritually lately and I don't know what to do. How do you make yourself choose to follow Christ again when you don't "feel" that excitement as you once did? I know that I would give anything in the world to have that man back. The man that went and helped these kids, never said a foul thoing about anyone, begged me everynight like clock work to please pray with him....God what have I done and can it be fixed????
Thank you so mcuh in advance for your help. 
Jaclyn


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## draconis

read the poem footsteps in the sand....

draconis


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## swedish

Do you think you felt more comfortable when you first met him, because you 'rescued' him and once he turned his life around you felt no longer needed? If that's the case, you might need to do some soul searching on your end to figure out why you feel this way.

When your faith was strong, you gave so much to him and when his faith was strong, he gave so much back to others. I hope you will both find your way back to your faith, together. You would make a great team.


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## Blanca

its probably really hard for you to gather all your thoughts and feelings right now. just be patient with yourself. i know you feel a sense of urgency since your H wants to leave, but you cant force progress. it just takes time.


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## jaclynnbaker

I wrote my DH a letter and got a really good response from it. I poured out my heart to him about how much I had been hurting and missing "him". I told him that I was SO sorry for how I had acted in the past and that I would do just anything to have him back. We are going to a CR meeting next week (we decided to go tonight but we have 3 sick girls). Thank you all for your input and support. I really think I have found a great place here to help and reach out for help! I am excited about making new friends here.


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## MarkTwain

jaclynnbaker-

On another thread you wrote:



jaclynnbaker said:


> I have joked recently with mutual friends that I would not care if sex became illegal tommorow.


However, on that thread I mentioned that having a controlling husband is the fastest way to go off sex. You did not mention his controlling behaviour here. Maybe your religious views are forcing you to see his control as valid because that is what the "HoH" (head of the household) is supposed to do. However, you can't cheat your own female nature. So I ask you to look again.

I put some more stuff in that other thread.


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## revitalizedhusband

I did a sermon (I'm not a preacher but have given a few sermons) once that turned to be a 50/50 sermon/testimony of my own life that centered around the poem Footprints.

I changed the original poem however into something that fit not only my life, but many of us out there in our Christian walks.

I wasn't just in a "bad time" in my life once where the original poem has Jesus carrying you, I, just like the original poster, was completely walking away from God and doing whatever I wanted to do. I was completely, utterly, backsliding and wanted nothing to do with church and God.

I wasn't walking the same path and Jesus carrying me, I was completely turning away from Jesus and walking the other direction, I was walking away from God for 3-4 years. 

You can walk for years away from God, but what I found, and how I changed the Footprints poem to fit my testimony, is that no matter how far you walk away from God, it is ALWAYS only one step back.

In my life it was a friend of mine just asking me to go to his church with him (not the church I grew up in) and I said yes, that 1 day, 1 step, has put me back on the right track with God.

I know for a fact that if I said no to him, I would not have met my wife (met in church), would not have my kids I have now, and would probably be further down that backsliding road.



Off topic: A comment to MT's post about a controlling husband. Unforunately SO many people miss interpret what the Bible says about the marriage relationship and the "head of household" and stretch it to being the controlling "you will do what I say and be 'submissive'" husband that a lot turn into. 

The Bible actually only says the husband is "over" or "in charge" of the wife in one area, in that he is supposed to be the "spiritual leader" and if his family is not in church/following God then he is the one accountable to God for that, not the wife.

The "submit" in the marriage description is really talking about respecting your husband, 100% in everything, not doing whatever your husband says whenever he says it.  

Personally, when the Bible describes marraige relationships I think the husband got the tough end of the stick as we are supposed to "love our wives as Christ loves the church". We are held to the same standard as Christ himself. 

Ok, done with tangent, but I could go on further about what the Bible really says about the marriage relationship, unfortunately TOO MANY people translate what the Bible says into "the man is the king of his castle and the woman is to obey everything he says". If you read the verses in the context they are written a 50/50 relationship is described just with different responsibilities to the relationship.


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## TNgirl232

Totally agree reviatlized husband. I went into pre-marital counseling worrying about this and the preacher cleared it up. The wife is to submit to husband as the Church submits to Christ, and the husband is to love his wife as Christ loves the Church.

He summed it up as "You love your wife well and she will "fall in line"  - meaning she will work with you in harmony on things as long as she feels loved and respected. If she doesn't, you better watch out.


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## revitalizedhusband

TNgirl232 said:


> Totally agree reviatlized husband. I went into pre-marital counseling worrying about this and the preacher cleared it up. The wife is to submit to husband as the Church submits to Christ, and the husband is to love his wife as Christ loves the Church.
> 
> He summed it up as "You love your wife well and she will "fall in line"  - meaning she will work with you in harmony on things as long as she feels loved and respected. If she doesn't, you better watch out.


Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!

I live by those words .


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## InspiredWife

revitalizedhusband said:


> Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!
> 
> I live by those words .



I agree with what revitalizedhusband has said. There are so many more details but here is something I have learned and experienced and this is just taking it one more step.
First, go to your husband and say to him "I respect you." and make sure you can give specific examples as to why you respect him. Then just see what happens.
Then read the book "Love & Respect" by Dr. Emerson Eggerecht. This will explain why that works. This is a scripturally based book that gives unimaginable insight into why women and men are the way they are and very practical knowledge on how to truly and completely overcome those differences.
Even good marriages will have these problems. Ephesians 5: 21-33 gives you alot of information about what God expects out of husbands and wives. Every husband *must love *his wife and every wife *must respect* her husband. Revitalizedhusband is right and I will take that even one step further. Society and almost everyone says that love is supposed to be unconditonal and that is especially true of marriage but also in marriage respect must be unconditonal. We may not feel either emotion all the time but in a marriage with God at the center we must act with *love and* *respect* for it to truly work as He intended. In the book it explains why respect is so important to men and why we often accidently as women can be seen as being disrespectful instead of loving as we intended and men do the opposite, they try to do things that, even though they are well intentioned, we interpret as being unloving simply because we are women. 
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned but be certain that was the intent. Ask yourself if you believe your husband is a good willed man and that should give you your answer. 
This is a fact, and every couple I have ever met has had this basic problem so you are definitly not alone. We each in turn, man and woman, react to eachother in the way that we are designed and the design is not flawed. Read the book and follow the scripture and you will have what you always wanted in fact I encourage all married couples wether you think you are having problems or not to read this book. It will only make a good, strong marriage even better, I have seen it! It may not always be perfect but it sure is a great start. 
I wish you all of God's blessings.


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## Rough Patch Sewing

God desires that husbands love their wife and that wives respect their husbands, true. This becomes easier when you look to Jesus even if you do not feel close to Him. It is a fact that Jesus showed the way to the Kingdom of God and eternal life through His words and actions. He rose from the dead and payed for our sins and save us from Hell and God the Father's judgement and gave us hope from death because He rose from the dead as He said He would. 

If it is true that the Holy Spirit regenerated yours and your husband's heart and you confessed Him with your mouth and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, then you are saved whether you feel it or not. You have the Holy Spirit that will work on your heart whether you pray or not. The Holy Spirit will give you the strength that will break through the clouds of frustration in what is going on in your marriage. It may take time. You and he may make terrible mistakes through sin, but God will not let you go. Jesus is your hope. The Holy spirit will do His work in your life.

I recommend working on your relationship with Jesus and getting healing from Him and pray for your husband. The great thing is that the Holy spirit can do a quick work in both of you. The Holy spirit will help you listen to him, love him and forgive him and visa-versa. I will pray for you. God is in control because God is the creator of everything. The Bible will help you find good counsel because you will know if they are good counsel if they do not contradict the Bible. Sure, there are some hard to understand things in the Bible, but there are also many plain teachings there that you can use as a benchmark for Godly friends that will help you with Godly counsel and encouragement. I will pray for you and your husband.


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## wilderness

Prayers for you and your husband in the name of Jesus Christ, my Lord and Saviour.
God bless you (that is, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, the God of Jacob).


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## EleGirl

Since you cannot afford counseling you can use some very good self help books to help you get through this. One book that I often suggest is "His Needs, Her Needs". Start there.

I don't think dwelling on why you did what you did will be a lot of help. Instead figure out what you both want and work towards that. If you can fix your marriage, the past will not matter. YOu both did things to hurt each other. There is forgiveness for that.


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## sandc

Jaclynn, where do you and your husband stand at this point?


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## Rough Patch Sewing

sandc said:


> Jaclynn, where do you and your husband stand at this point?


Also, is there emotional healing concerning how you felt about his ministry and how it affected the way you saw him as your husband? Checking up on this thread has reminded me to pray for your situation.


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