# Hello. I'm here because I'm lost.



## InLimbo50 (3 mo ago)

A friend recommended this forum to me, I'm experiencing a lot anxiety about what to do next now that I have discovered my husband was unfaithful.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

InLimbo50 said:


> A friend recommended this forum to me, I'm experiencing a lot anxiety about what to do next now that I have discovered my husband was unfaithful.


I’m sorry you are here @InLimbo50. You’re in the right place, many here have been where you are.

Can you tell a little more about yourself? How old, how long married, any kids?

What is your current status? Are you separated or? Have you consulted with an attorney or a counselor?


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

So sorry to hear this. The pain from infidelity is horrendous. Glad you found TAM. Hope you stick around as you have a crazy road ahead of you and there are people here who are willing to help you in any way they can.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

A lot of people on here have been where you are, myself included. Does your H want out of the marriage or has he broken things off and want to work on the marriage?


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## InLimbo50 (3 mo ago)

I turned 50 earlier this year, my husband is 52. We never had children due to a health issue on my part. We are currently still together. I suspected infidelity, he denied for years, but confessed during counseling a few months ago. Not only did he have physical relationships with several other women, he was also sexting with strangers he met online. He says he has stopped all relationships and sexting, and that he wants to work on our marriage. I thought maybe we could work through this, but I'm realizing that I can't bring myself to trust him again. Also, I don't see any real change in his behavior. During the past couple of months, I've caught him surreptitiously texting, and when I first started confronting him about it, he claimed it was work related or from his family, but his tone seems dishonest. He agreed during counseling that he needed to be upfront and transparent about who he texts with, but lately he very pointedly avoids discussing it. I think he's addicted to sexting, and he's hoping I'll drift back to ignorance of his habits. I feel angry, and like a fool. By his refusing to be upfront about who he's speaking to increasingly more often, he puts me in a position to either feel like an accusatory nag, constantly harping on what he's doing, or like an idiot who just lets him continue to disrespect me. I don't know where to go from here because I can't afford our mortgage on my own, he doesn't make enough to pay for the house but also live elsewhere, and I don't think it's fair that I have to leave my home of 20 years when I wasn't the one who cheated.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Nothing about this is fair.  It's doubtful he will ever change his behavior. He's living the life he wants to live, with no concern for you, and likely sees no reason to change. 

There is no easy answer. He blew up your life with his selfishness. You have to decide if you want to stay and eat the poop sandwich he's offering or take the very frightening step of changing this situation. I'm so sorry this happened. You didn't deserve it, he is entirely in the wrong, and it's so, so unfair.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

InLimbo50 said:


> I've caught him surreptitiously texting, and when I first started confronting him about it, he claimed it was work related or from his family, but his tone seems dishonest.


If he REALLY wants any chance at reconciliation with you, those electronic devices should be fully available to you. You should have all the passwords for phone, email, phone records, bank accounts, etc..

If you think he's texting and he says it's work or family, ask him to show it to you RIGHT NOW (so he doesn't have time to delete anything).

In addition, you should see a lawyer to see how the finances would play out -- you may be owed alimony, etc. from him. This would help you understand the various possibilities of what divorce would do for you.

VERY sorry for what you are going through...


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

I would try and get copies of his texts. One way is to link an iPad with his iPhone. You’ll get to see the messages, pictures, etc. being sent. If you can ever get into his phone, turn on location tracking. Go through all his apps on his phone and see what’s there. Photos, messages, etc.

If his phone is in your name, get copies of the texts from your provider. (That won’t get you his Apple message texts, just the real SMS texts.)

You can install software on his computer to find everything there. Emails, etc.

Do you live in a fault or no fault divorce state? Gathering evidence might not matter. Your attorneys can answer that.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

InLimbo50 said:


> I don't know where to go from here because I can't afford our mortgage on my own, he doesn't make enough to pay for the house but also live elsewhere, and I don't think it's fair that I have to leave my home of 20 years when I wasn't the one who cheated.


Could you separate within the house? You get the main floor and he lives in the basement, for example?

What positive things you are getting from your relationship with this man, aside from paying the mortgage?

As I see it, he has effectively converted your marriage into an open marriage. You can stay in the house together as FWBs or roommates. If he’s free to sext and date others then you are free, too.

At the very least, get him to agree that from this point forward, if he ever again sexts or sleeps with another woman, your marriage converts into an open marriage. If he’s a reformed man, he should have no problem doing that. When you catch him doing it again, you’re officially free to date.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

InLimbo50 said:


> I turned 50 earlier this year, my husband is 52. We never had children due to a health issue on my part. We are currently still together. I suspected infidelity, he denied for years, but confessed during counseling a few months ago. Not only did he have physical relationships with several other women, he was also sexting with strangers he met online. He says he has stopped all relationships and sexting, and that he wants to work on our marriage. I thought maybe we could work through this, but I'm realizing that I can't bring myself to trust him again. Also, I don't see any real change in his behavior. During the past couple of months, I've caught him surreptitiously texting, and when I first started confronting him about it, he claimed it was work related or from his family, but his tone seems dishonest. He agreed during counseling that he needed to be upfront and transparent about who he texts with, but lately he very pointedly avoids discussing it. I think he's addicted to sexting, and he's hoping I'll drift back to ignorance of his habits. I feel angry, and like a fool. By his refusing to be upfront about who he's speaking to increasingly more often, he puts me in a position to either feel like an accusatory nag, constantly harping on what he's doing, or like an idiot who just lets him continue to disrespect me. I don't know where to go from here because I can't afford our mortgage on my own, he doesn't make enough to pay for the house but also live elsewhere, and I don't think it's fair that I have to leave my home of 20 years when I wasn't the one who cheated.


Hi
Have to say this is a difficult one, especially after many years of marriage and being middle age.
On reading your post it appears your husband is a complete loser and doesn`t give a toss to be blunt.
I can only suggest without your husband`s knowledge is to visit a lawyer for advice and discuss your options.
There are also free legal advice organisations that you could check out online.
Once armed with some legal knowledge and taken out of the fog, you can then decide your best way forward from there.
That`s what I would do in your situation.


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