# Getting married in secret...



## marshmallow (Oct 15, 2013)

...and I'm kind of worried that people are going to be upset with me because of it.

STBH and I met almost five years ago on the internet. He lived in a different state, and we'd make trips to see one another for the first year. After that first year, he moved to my state and we got our own place. He proposed in late May of this year, and at first I was going to organize a '14 Fall wedding.

Wedding planning is... exhausting. Expensive. I don't want to have to worry about who to invite, who to include, etc. I'm not interested in big froofy dresses and all of that - it's just not who I am, and more importantly, it's not who we are.

Soooo, we've decided to just kind of elope in his home state when we return to visit his father for the holidays. In the particular county that his father lives in, you can just pay for your wedding license and they'll provide an "express wedding" at the counter.

SUPER ROMANTIC RIGHT.

We are going to notify close family and friends via phone once we're married so they won't find out from Facebook when we update our statuses or whatever, but I'm a little worried that people might be upset. I try and convince myself that hey, this is what we want and this makes me happy, and I don't want to have to wait a whole year before we get married.

I guess I'm looking for anyone who has had a similar experience - either you know someone who has eloped, or you have eloped and you've dealt with any hurt feelings that might have come up.

Thanks in advance!


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Do it. Your wedding is about you and your husband not about other people. If you choose to elope, so be it. They need to respect it.


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## marshmallow (Oct 15, 2013)

99% of the time that's exactly how I feel. I'm lucky in that I have a small circle of family and friends, and I really hope they'll understand because it's what I want and it's what's right for me.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

We told people we were eloping as it really wasn't up to them to decide and felt no reason to keep it a secret.

In hindsight I wish I hadn't told anyone because a couple of family members did show up and they successfully monopolized my husband on what was supposed to be our wedding weekend.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

His entire family had hurt feelings about the way we got married.When he first proposed we were going to do a "real" wedding with the family.His parents are narcissists and looney so when DH came to me with concerns about them ruining our day,I listened.We scrapped the wedding plans and decided to elope.
His mother screamed and cried and wailed at him for months.She felt we were excluding her from some sort of right to be the center of attention on our day.
Long story short,we ended up canceling our elopement bc we needed to use the money toward our new house.We got married at the courthouse then had a lovely dinner for two.

No one said congratulations,no one sent cards,and we received nothing in the way of wedding gifts.

But we're happy regardless.

What others think of how you get married doesn't matter.The only thing that matters is what the two of you want.Those people aren't going to be around for the rest of your lives.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

I wanted to elope, H didn't. We ended up with the big wedding, which didn't mean anything to me.

On the other hand, my daughter is getting married soon, she is having a normal wedding, but it isn't costing us much - there are ways to keep the cost down. I am excited to be there for her, but I would be OK with what ever she wanted (as long as she told me first).:lol:


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

No comment just -- 

*Congratulations!!!!*

:yay:

:toast:


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## Moose Mania (Oct 28, 2013)

My 2nd marriage, his 3rd. We let immediate family and close friends know that we were getting married by Justice of the Peace. Did so on a Wednesday afternoon then left for a long weekend. Later in the year, we invited those closest to us for a large BBQ to celebrate. No registering for gifts, no planning a big reception, no expectations. Just relaxed fun with friends and family. Best decision we ever made.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

When I got married I wanted to go to the Justice of the Peace. Instead I allowed myself to be talked into a traditional wedding by my mother. It was not who I was and I resented it. The lesson I learned? Do what you want. Not what someone else wants.


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

*Congratulations on your engagement and future marriage!​*
You really need to do what you want. When I married my husband, the justice of the peace came to our house. We only had 3 people in attendance to serve as witnesses. I didn't wear white. My husband dropped the ring. Still, it was the most memorable day, aside from my daughter's birth, in my life.

A person can live his or her life to please people, but I do think that the person misses out on a lot. The most important person will be your husband. Do what is best for him and you.

Congratulations again!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

marshmallow said:


> Soooo, we've decided to just kind of elope in his home state when we return to visit his father for the holidays. In the particular county that his father lives in, you can just pay for your wedding license and they'll provide an "express wedding" at the counter.
> 
> SUPER ROMANTIC RIGHT.


This is actually my ideal wedding. 

I always wanted to get married in Vegas at one of those super quickie wedding chapels with a drive-thru. Lol.

You will probably upset family members because they are going to want to share in your big day with you -- and that is completely normal (because they love you). BUT, the bottom line is you get to call the shots. If you want to do it this way, then have at it. 

I personally got married "in secret." I didn't tell anyone and it wasn't until a year and a half later that we had our big "formal wedding." Most of the guests (parents excluded) thought we were getting married for the first time. 

In the future, if I remarry someday, I am doing it totally elope-style and/or at the justice of peace. No frills. No problem.

Weddings are damn expensive.

DO YOU.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I wanted to elope--the wife wanted a traditional wedding. We compromised and had a package ceremony in Vegas (a nice one, not the drive-thru) with some family. It saved a lot of hassle with planning, etc because all the flowers, photography etc was included, and it ended up costing about a third of what a "normal" wedding would have run us.

I'm like you, OP. I was more interested in BEING married than in GETTING married.


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## captainstormy (Jun 15, 2012)

My wife and I got married in June. 

What we originally started to plan, and what took place were very different. Mainly because of her mother and the rest of her family.

We ended up with a nice wedding, but not what we would have planned. 

We both said many times during the planning that we should have just eloped. It was a nice wedding though.

Honestly, to me an elopement or very private ceremony is what a wedding should be. It should be about the bride and groom, and very intimate.

Her uncle was our preacher and he offered to marry us in his living room after we finished the marriage counseling. We would have liked to, but we didn't so her family could be involved.

Obviously I wasn't there, but my grandparents wedding sounds perfect to me. They got married in the preachers living room. Just them, the preacher and the necessary witness for the license.

After that they had a big back yard pot luck with friends and family. Sounds awesome to me.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I remember my oldest brother back in '59' proposed to his college sweetheart. She wanted a big church wedding but he could have cared less. He was on a basketball scholarship and was tied knee deep to the program!

His eventual father-in-law, a prominent Houston business owner, called him in to his study on their breaking the news of the proposal, and made him a secret offer of either going ahead with paying for their grand church wedding, or giving them $10K in cash to elope and to promise to never to say a word to her mother!

They made the latter choice ~ and in 1959 monetary figures, 10K was an absolute fortune to pair of collegiate newlyweds!*


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Cool father-in-law! I would have taken the $10k, too!


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## marshmallow (Oct 15, 2013)

Aww, thanks for sharing your stories and advice, everyone. It really helps to know that there are other people out there who have done the same thing, or wish they'd eloped. I mean, I know I'm not the only person on the planet to have planned such a thing but it really helps ground me when I can read about the experiences that you all have had.

We're going to get married in his home state because the state I live in requires a three-day wait AND two witnesses - which means I would have to choose witnesses, and I just don't want to have to deal with that, either. I mean, my sister wants to buy me a wedding dress behind my back (she'd asked my best friend for her thoughts on it, and of course my best friend told me about it because she knows me all too well). I just know that things would spiral out of control (people offering me venues, suggesting places to buy cakes, suggesting caterers) and I would end up miserable.

DO NOT WANT.

I know that my elopement won't be glamorous or glitzy, but that's okay. I'm not glamorous or glitzy either. I'm a simple woman with simple tastes, and the lines at City Hall shouldn't be long the day after Christmas, haha.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

My fiance and I are going to Vegas to get married. No big ceremony or anything. Probably going to grab some old married couple off the street to stand up for us. Everyone knows our plans and they aren't bothered. Not that we'd care because it's what we want.


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## marshmallow (Oct 15, 2013)

I also feel like my BFF is going to be the most hurt by it. I was a witness for her wedding, and she feels like she should play a role in my wedding - just like she "can't wait for me to get pregnant" because "she wants to be there" like I was for her when both of her kids were born.

I just want to be married. I want to be my fiance's wife. If my sister wasn't getting married this month, we'd get married this month - and she's such a bridezilla that she would probably never talk to me again if we did decide to get married in this state with a couple of hobos off the street as our witnesses (and before her, gasp, how could I?!)


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

marshmallow said:


> Aww, thanks for sharing your stories and advice, everyone. It really helps to know that there are other people out there who have done the same thing, or wish they'd eloped. I mean, I know I'm not the only person on the planet to have planned such a thing but it really helps ground me when I can read about the experiences that you all have had.
> 
> We're going to get married in his home state because the state I live in requires a three-day wait AND two witnesses - which means I would have to choose witnesses, and I just don't want to have to deal with that, either. I mean, my sister wants to buy me a wedding dress behind my back (she'd asked my best friend for her thoughts on it, and of course my best friend told me about it because she knows me all too well). I just know that things would spiral out of control (people offering me venues, suggesting places to buy cakes, suggesting caterers) and I would end up miserable.
> 
> ...


See my signature... My STBW and future step daughter were talking about and looking at wedding dresses. THey saw one and my STBW told her daughter that I wouldn't like it, and the daughter started in with how the wedding is all about the bride and it's her day and all that. That's when my STBW said what I quoted. She is a woman who gets it...part of why I'm marrying her. Well that, and her smokin hot bod


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When my h moved out I to NM from MD with his children in 2000, we married at the jp a month before the move. My bff and a close friend were the witnesses. Doing this enabled me to put h and his kids on my health insurance. Then in 2001 we had a small wedding at a chapel and dinner for guests. The entire wedding cost us about $2k. We did the wedding mostly for our children. ..his 2 and my son. 

Actually his 11 year old daughter was the one who made most of the decisions about the wedding. She was a riot. 

A friend of mine eloped and then had a big pot luck bbq when they got back. I made a 3 tier wedding cake for the party. Some people brought presents some not. This is one way to make friends and family feel included. Let them help plan the party. It's a lot less stressful. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

marshmallow said:


> I also feel like my BFF is going to be the most hurt by it. I was a witness for her wedding, and she feels like she should play a role in my wedding - just like she "can't wait for me to get pregnant" because "she wants to be there" like I was for her when both of her kids were born.


My BFF was one of the bridesmaids in my wedding and a couple years later she essentially eloped. Although her parents and his parents were present. I was told after the fact. Sure, I was disappointed and hurt that I couldn't have at least gone to the courthouse to be a witness but I eventually got over it because she was my BFF and she was happy. 

If you feel she is going to be the most hurt by it then call her a few hours before you tie the knot and let her know that she is the only one with advance notice. At least that will make her feel more special.


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## marshmallow (Oct 15, 2013)

IrishGirlVA said:


> If you feel she is going to be the most hurt by it then call her a few hours before you tie the knot and let her know that she is the only one with advance notice. At least that will make her feel more special.


This is a fantastic idea, thank you so much for this!


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## Boottothehead (Sep 3, 2013)

Just make sure that the office will be open the day after Christmas! Some places might be closed for a long holiday weekend.


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## loving1 (Aug 5, 2013)

I'm late to the party but you know I can't wait to see you married! I'm so excited! :smthumbup:

Checking in as someone else who got married at the courthouse and loved it!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* CONGRATULATIONS, SWEETHEART! I'm so very proud of you and thrilled for you, all at the same time!

Now from the voice of experience: In my lifetime, I've had two rather lavish church weddings with two blatant cheaters! Batting 0 for 2 in that ballpark is not an admirable statistic.

Now, provided that the Heavenly Father ever gets around to sending me the right loving woman, and if He ever deems it necessary for me to reenter the holy state of matrimony again, then it will definitely be by way of an elopement, with a post-marriage announcement made to the entire world just as soon as we would get back home from our "trip!"*


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Well everyone has to make their own decisions. As a father of three (unmarried) daughters I look forward to maybe one day walking them up the aisle if they get married. Is your father alive, might get upset if left out? I think I might wonder what I had done wrong.

My wife says she would be hurt to be excluded.

I can understand your not wanting a large wedding. You can have very small ones with just close family members. My grandparents got married in France at the end of the First World War (my grandmother was French). The only people there were the happy couple, her parents, her sister and the priest. They had to drag someone in off the street to be a witness! His parents were outside the country as he was one of the Allied soldiers who had come to help the French.


The only expense I know of is that the party went to a restaurant for lunch afterwards. They were very happily married for 41 years. 

Good luck whatever you decide


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

Totally agree with all of the above: It's your wedding and most important your marriage!

H's older brother married our SIL in a parking lot on Christmas, my H and a friend were witnesses. Afterward everyone ate bologna sandwiches out of the trunk of the car. All of this some 45 years ago... she was pg and the baby was later stillborn, but they're still together, 2 grown kids. 

Good marriages seem to be irrespective of how grand the party that kicks it off. 

Now go forth and have a good MARRIAGE.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

My advice is: Elope and take all the money you would spend on a big wedding and take a fabulous honeymoon!!! If I had it to do over again, that is definitely what I would do!


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