# What did I do wrong?



## dvsninja2 (May 2, 2019)

Ok this is going to seem a little strange but then again maybe not since this is a forum. Yesterday my family (wife of 9 years and 2 boys 4 and 6) were going to celebrate the 4th by going to a movie, grilling, then spending time in the front yard and have a fire and fireworks. I got a text from my neighbor asking what we were doing and I said we were going to be out front later and they were welcomed to stop by and say hello. Told my wife that the neighbors might stop over to see the fireworks. When we got to the evening we went out front and the neighbors came, mostly only their 5 kids and it was a little chaotic as we were just sitting around. My wife just got up and left and went inside. I came in and talked to her and she said she was not going to hand out with us with how things were outside, felt like babysitting. I was really shocked by this and went back outside and grabbed all our stuff and moved it to the back thinking the neighbors would leave, they didn't. It came time for fireworks and I asked my wife again if she wanted to come out and told me no, do whatever I wanted. I know what this means so I felt stuck, tell the neighbors to leave minutes before I was going to do fireworks to please my wife, or be OK with the situation and continue. What I ended up doing was a few fireworks and calling it an end and came back inside. Of course my wife is mad at me for inviting my neighbors over (to be fair I just said they were welcomed to stop by and say hello), she mad I did not kick the neighbors out of our yard and do a more private get together, and of course I did a bad job talking to her at the end of the evening.

What I struggle with is what and when did I do something wrong? By being nice to the neighbors and in a way inviting them over, nothing formal though? Should I have kicked out the neighbors (5 kids 2 adults)? because that is what the wife wanted? I struggle with the things I want vs what my wife wants. Should I always do what she wants no matter what I want? Doesn't seem fair but seems like what my wife expects from me, hell some things on the internet even suggest this. This is really something that happens a lot in our marriage, what do you do when each spouse wants different things and has a hard time communicating and compromising? Typically I will fold to what my wife wants because if she is happy then I find myself being happy.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Even if you hadn’t invited them over who’s to say that they wouldn’t have called in anyway once they seen you guys in the garden. If it was a date night or a romantic evening then I could maybe understand her being a little annoyed but if sounds like she just wanted to fight.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

You should have asked your wife before inviting people over. Especially people who have 5 kids.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

dvsninja2 said:


> Ok this is going to seem a little strange but then again maybe not since this is a forum. Yesterday my family (wife of 9 years and 2 boys 4 and 6) were going to celebrate the 4th by going to a movie, grilling, then spending time in the front yard and have a fire and fireworks. I got a text from my neighbor asking what we were doing and I said we were going to be out front later and they were welcomed to stop by and say hello. Told my wife that the neighbors might stop over to see the fireworks. When we got to the evening we went out front and the neighbors came, mostly only their 5 kids and it was a little chaotic as we were just sitting around. My wife just got up and left and went inside. I came in and talked to her and she said she was not going to hand out with us with how things were outside, felt like babysitting. I was really shocked by this and went back outside and grabbed all our stuff and moved it to the back thinking the neighbors would leave, they didn't. It came time for fireworks and I asked my wife again if she wanted to come out and told me no, do whatever I wanted. I know what this means so I felt stuck, tell the neighbors to leave minutes before I was going to do fireworks to please my wife, or be OK with the situation and continue. What I ended up doing was a few fireworks and calling it an end and came back inside. Of course my wife is mad at me for inviting my neighbors over (to be fair I just said they were welcomed to stop by and say hello), she mad I did not kick the neighbors out of our yard and do a more private get together, and of course I did a bad job talking to her at the end of the evening.
> 
> What I struggle with is what and when did I do something wrong? By being nice to the neighbors and in a way inviting them over, nothing formal though? Should I have kicked out the neighbors (5 kids 2 adults)? because that is what the wife wanted? I struggle with the things I want vs what my wife wants. Should I always do what she wants no matter what I want? Doesn't seem fair but seems like what my wife expects from me, hell some things on the internet even suggest this. This is really something that happens a lot in our marriage, what do you do when each spouse wants different things and has a hard time communicating and compromising? Typically I will fold to what my wife wants because if she is happy then I find myself being happy.



Items like this and others you need to be in agreement with your W. My W and I always discuss anything such as this so we are in agreement. The 4th of July my W did not feel like entertaining anyone(she does all the time). I had not issue with that and certainly would not have asked neighbors over. Anyway, you should have spoken with your W before offering up an invite to stop by. 

Communication and agreement is ONE of you keys to a happy healthy marriage.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I think that instead of fighting about what happened you need to not only apologize but take it a step further and make a plan so this doesn’t happen again. Apologizing for the same thing over and over gets old, (not saying this happens all the time) but fixing the problem goes a long way. This way you can put it back on her so she will be held accountable also. Tell her if you want it to be just you guys that we needs to communicate that with ahead of time because your not a mind reader. This way... she can’t get mad if it happens again and she didn’t say anything.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Girl_power said:


> You should have asked your wife before inviting people over. *Especially people who have 5 kids*.


No doubt!!!!


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Agree with Girl Power. You can apologize but sit together and discuss were you went wrong. Acknowledgment is always good. Then advise in the future both of you will be in agreement with this and well...a lot of other things that come up in life.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

By hanging out in the front of the house, that pretty much indicates that you are open to visits from your neighbors. I dont feel you did anything wrong, your wife over reacted and honestly sounded pretty snobby. It doesnt sound like anyone had expectations of you guys to entertain them, the 4th is generally a day to just hang with neighbors and friends.


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

Yeah, I would be annoyed if I found myself babysitting when I thought I was going to be relaxing. 
You did say it was a bit chaotic and that it was mostly the children round at yours?
Where were their parents?

But you say you were shocked by her reaction.
Was it out of character for her? 

How does your wife feel about these neighbours normally? 

Is your wife more introvert and wanting close family time, and you're more extrovert, wanting more company?

Why do you ask if you should always do what she wants and not what you want?
What do you feel you have had to compromise too much on?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> By hanging out in the front of the house, that pretty much indicates that you are open to visits from your neighbors. I dont feel you did anything wrong, your wife over reacted and honestly sounded pretty snobby. It doesnt sound like anyone had expectations of you guys to entertain them, the 4th is generally a day to just hang with neighbors and friends.


I do not agree. His W has every right to be upset. It was to be a simple family 4th. Next thing she knows an army of kids show up. I understand the W position completely. 

No where is it written that the 4th is to be a day to hang with family and friends. Our 4th my W was not going to entertain family and kids all day. It is a lot of work and clean up. We spent the day together relaxing. It was nothing short of refreshing.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

dvsninja2 said:


> What I struggle with is what and when did I do something wrong? By being nice to the neighbors and in a way inviting them over...


BINGO. You sound like a really nice, open, friendly guy who is inadvertently being really inconsiderate to his wife.

Look at how you are wording this "by being nice to the neighbors..." like your choice was to invite company over without consulting your wife, or be a mean person. 

But those weren't your only options. The third option is to say "Hey honey, the neighbors want to know what we're doing tonight. Do you mind if I invite them over? And is she says YES, I DO MIND. then you respect that and tell your neighbors "The wife and I are enjoying some one on one time."

You say it always has to be *what your wife wants*, but based on how you described this scenario I wonder if your wife's frustration isn't more that you make decisions *that affect her *without consulting her first. When you are married, pretty much everything your spouse does affects you and the marriage. When your spouse makes decisions without consulting you first, even if it's just seemingly little things like having the neighbors stop by, it creates a feeling of frustration and powerlessness. Who knows what they're going to do at any given moment? Maybe your wife was looking forward to a simple, kind of romantic evening with her husband, or some private family time, just you two and the kids. And now there are people crashing your party who have no idea they aren't welcome right now.

Here are two really good articles that might help you and your wife A LOT. Good luck!
https://www.marriagebuilders.com/independent-behavior.htm
https://www.marriagebuilders.com/the-policy-of-joint-agreement.htm


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I can see both sides here.

When we lived in town, what you describe was the way it was on the 4th. Super casual, people roaming, visiting and watching each other’s fireworks. I never felt like it meant we had company...just that the neighbors were coming by and casually visiting. No big deal (to me). If that is “the usual” by you, then I think she was in a mood, and you got the results.

I agree though that with true company it is ALWAYS best to consult each other. This to me didn’t sound like actual company. You weren’t feeding them, and if their parents were there you shouldn’t have felt like you were babysitting either.

The other factor, is that it is important to teach *your* kids to be good to their neighbors and also to be hospitable. Perhaps you can point this out if you end up discussing this again.


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## dvsninja2 (May 2, 2019)

Thanks everyone for the replies. Like 3x said I felt that if we were in the front yard around all kinds of neighbors with kids we basically already invited everyone to stop and say hi without saying a word. I see how I could have handled it differently and see how I put my wife last and the neighbors and my own kids at a higher priority, and myself. Well either way today is going to suck because she is mad and I feel guilty.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Let’s be honest it doesn’t matter who is right or wrong. Your wife is upset and she has every right to be. What matters is what your going to do about it.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> By hanging out in the front of the house, that pretty much indicates that you are open to visits from your neighbors. I dont feel you did anything wrong, your wife over reacted and honestly sounded pretty snobby. It doesnt sound like anyone had expectations of you guys to entertain them, the 4th is generally a day to just hang with neighbors and friends.


I gotta agree with your assessment. 

Back to OP, the only thing you did wrong ... like many of us ... was marrying the wrong woman. Unreasonably pissy behaviour is a tell tale sign of a bad picker.

Might as well ignore her “fit”, because at this point you won’t be able to wipe your own ass to suit her.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

MyRevelation said:


> I gotta agree with your assessment.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Worst advice ever.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

Girl_power said:


> Worst advice ever.


Tell you what ... you advise based on your experience and I’ll do the same, but I’ve been M’d to an immature ***** that enjoyed making those around her miserable, just like what OM is facing now.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

MyRevelation said:


> Tell you what ... you advise based on your experience and I’ll do the same, but I’ve been M’d to an immature ***** that enjoyed making those around her miserable, just like what OM is facing now.




You and your wife are not the OP and his wife.
If people carry this sort of flippant negative attitude about their spouse what’s the point of being married?? If you love and respect your spouse and want to be married to them then you will sacrifice, and come to a common ground.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

Girl_power said:


> You and your wife are not the OP and his wife.
> If people carry this sort of flippant negative attitude about their spouse what’s the point of being married?? If you love and respect your spouse and want to be married to them then you will sacrifice, and come to a common ground.


I agree ... and that’s the problem ... total lack of respect. BTW, there is no common ground when the W intends to be a *****. Also, the W I described is my XW because after a while you just get fed up with the attitude and drama.

Something to think about OP ... “Never kiss the ass that is ****ting on you.”


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

dvsninja2 said:


> Thanks everyone for the replies. Like 3x said I felt that if we were in the front yard around all kinds of neighbors with kids we basically already invited everyone to stop and say hi without saying a word. I see how I could have handled it differently and see how I put my wife last and the neighbors and my own kids at a higher priority, and myself. Well either way today is going to suck because she is mad and I feel guilty.


Did she say anything to you before hand about wanting it to just be you guys? Did she participate in the plan to be out front doing fireworks? ALSO - I'm very curious -- when she went inside the house, did the neighbors notice? They sound a little clueless too...

Anyhow, I would just tell your Wife: I'm sorry I invited them over without consulting you first. I really thought it would be fine since we were going to be out front where they would see us anyhow. Let's talk about how we'll handle this type of thing when it comes up again. What would you think if I make sure to ask you how you'd feel in advance? And will you promise to do the same thing for me. And maybe help me think up what to say in response for a situation like this?"

ALSO - It sounds like maybe you have trouble saying NO to people??? You may have sensed your wife might be miffed but felt ridiculous not saying "come on over" when you were going to be right out front? I know when other couples want to do something I hear my BF say "Let me run it by WW and get back to you." I hear other people do this too -- let me check with my other half... No one seems to be hurt or offended if the answer is Not Tonight. 

And remember, *you can always just ignore text messages*. You're not obligated to the neighbors to be monitoring your phone 24/7. I've been known to leave my cell in the other room for days. If anyone other than my spouse or an employer doesn't like that -- TOO BAD. My phone, my phone habits, my life. 

SERIOUSLY THOUGH - give those two articles I posted to you earlier a read. They may give you and your wife some good ideas on how to handle these things moving forward.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

I can partially see why the wife is upset the husband invited neighbors over without asking her (I say "partially" because in some neighborhoods its perfectly normal for neighbors to drop by during holidays such as this). 

However, once they are there, the wife ignoring guests and expecting husband to kick them out is really over the top. She could have talked to him LATER about what bothered her. Once they are there, she could at least make a token effort to welcome them. It doesn't sound like they were especially rowdy, or causing problems. And these are neighbors, after all, so you have to live near these people. You need to consider the long term picture. I don't see what is to be gained by kicking them out and generating hard feelings.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I think it's always a mistake to make plans and not confer with your spouse, that's simple respect.

Yes you made a mistake inviting them, and I get she was mad and frustrated. For her to go hide in the house seems a bit immature, but my guess is there's some history that's pushed her to the breaking point.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

MyRevelation said:


> I agree ... and that’s the problem ... total lack of respect. BTW, there is no common ground when the W intends to be a *****. Also, the W I described is my XW because after a while you just get fed up with the attitude and drama.
> 
> Something to think about OP ... “Never kiss the ass that is ****ting on you.”




All I know is that no one is perfect. I know I get moody and crabby and overly emotional at times and I over react. My boyfriend gets the same way, especially if he is under a lot of stress or working a lot/not sleeping. It is what it is. We all need more sensitivity and a little more love and understanding. Less you SHOULD do this and SHOULD act like that. If it’s too much to deal with then leave the marriage. 
The OP made a small mistake that wasn’t the end of be world, but was Insensitive. The wife got upset and didn’t handle it the best she could of. This is life. This will happen literally 100 more times. Couples need to come together and address it but not make a mountain out of a molehill. 
Getting into this am I right or is she right battle is not worth it and kills relationships.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Girl_power said:


> Worst advice ever.





MyRevelation said:


> Tell you what ... you advise based on your experience and I’ll do the same, but I’ve been M’d to an immature ***** that enjoyed making those around her miserable, just like what OM is facing now.


Sorry you married the wrong woman. But how do you get that the OP did the same out of this one post when more than half the responses on here are that he should have consulted her before inviting people to stop by?

You sounded extremely bitter in that post. I definitely did a double take. I hope you can get out of your bad situation and get your life on track.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

WorkingWife said:


> Sorry you married the wrong woman. But how do you get that the OP did the same out of this one post when more than half the responses on here are that he should have consulted her before inviting people to stop by?
> 
> You sounded extremely bitter in that post. I definitely did a double take. I hope you can get out of your bad situation and get your life on track.


Might want to work on reading comprehension before criticizing the posts of others.

I’m in a pretty good place now ... with its own different circumstances. I like to think I’ve learned from past poor picks like OP is dealing with now.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

MyRevelation said:


> Might want to work on reading comprehension before criticizing the posts of others.
> 
> I’m in a pretty good place now ... with its own different circumstances. I like to think I’ve learned from past poor picks like OP is dealing with now.


I'm glad you're in a pretty good place now! But there is nothing wrong with my reading comprehension. You told him "the only thing you did wrong ... like many of us ... was marrying the wrong woman. Unreasonably pissy behaviour is a tell tale sign of a bad picker."

Considering more than half the responses on here were that his wife's pique was *not *unreasonable given the circumstances, you sound very bitter from your own experience to call his wife unreasonably pissy and the wrong woman when she was understandably irate. Unless you know more? Maybe he has posted other threads with examples of her getting pissy without reason?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

MyRevelation said:


> Tell you what ... you advise based on your experience and I’ll do the same, but I’ve been M’d to an immature ***** that enjoyed making those around her miserable, just like what OM is facing now.


I agree with you. She sounds like a *****. Sorry, I'm just calling it as I see it.

I don't think you did ANYTHING wrong OP, and I strongly *disagree* with those who are telling you to go pander to Miss Thang because she's all upset and you need to make her feel _better_ Pffft.

Tough **** if she's upset. For God's sakes, there are much more worthy things to be *legitimately* upset about so tell her to knock it the hell off and save it for when it matters. Drama queen.

Oh - and your neighbors SUCK the big one, OP. They dumped their litter of 5 kids on you while they sat in the quiet of their house enjoying the peace.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

When you're single, every decision you make is unilateral. When married, very few are as you need to take your spouse into consideration. That's because 1 + 1 = 2.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

What kind of neighborhoods did you people grow up in? If you're outside on the fourth...with fireworks...people will gather (or call the cops LoL). His invite wouldn't have mattered. I would expect my wife to be a good sport in this situation. If being away from kids is the goal...it was an unrealistic expectation in the first place based on the venue. Sitting outside shooting off fireworks in front of your house is the same thing as sitting outside with a bowl of candy on Halloween in a neighborhood. In fact most people shooting fireworks off in front of their houses actually want their neighbors and their kids to come watch. I agree with those that think her attitude is over the top in this situation. As for babysitting c'mon...the kids were outside. Hand them some popsicles, a few water balloons, and some sparklers and they won't even know you are there.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Unfortunately this day and age the mentality of a lot of people is the husband can not make a decision without first consulting the wife. I would have apologized to the neighbors for my wife acting like a child and continued on with the festivities. Unfortunately the op chased after her trying to make her happy (impossible at that point) instead of demanding she be an adult. 

I can see the responses now if the roles had been reversed. He would have been called manipulative, and his anger issues would have been screamed about (remember men are not allowed to get upset). 

Sent from my Moto Z (2) using Tapatalk


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Your wife was a shrew. Its fireworks. They didn't stay all day or drop off their kids and leave.

Only a high-maintenance shrill type would have made a thing out of this.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> Let’s be honest it doesn’t matter who is right or wrong. Your wife is upset and she has every right to be. What matters is what your going to do about it.


Stating opinion as fact doesn't make it so. Just because I'm upset DOESN'T mean its someone else's responsibility to fix it.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Girl_power said:


> Worst advice ever.


....says you.....


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

ReformedHubby said:


> Hand them some *popsicles*, a few *water balloons*, and some sparklers and they won't even know you are there.


 Feed them candy bars, Redbull, and Monster, then send them home.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

personofinterest said:


> Your wife was a shrew. Its fireworks. They didn't stay all day or drop off their kids and leave.
> 
> Only a high-maintenance shrill type would have made a thing out of this.


I second this.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

I'm wishing the OP would give us more of the back story about the neighbors. What happened previously?


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

ReformedHubby said:


> What kind of neighborhoods did you people grow up in? If you're outside on the fourth...with fireworks...people will gather (or call the cops LoL). His invite wouldn't have mattered. I would expect my wife to be a good sport in this situation. If being away from kids is the goal...it was an unrealistic expectation in the first place based on the venue. Sitting outside shooting off fireworks in front of your house is the same thing as sitting outside with a bowl of candy on Halloween in a neighborhood. In fact most people shooting fireworks off in front of their houses actually want their neighbors and their kids to come watch. I agree with those that think her attitude is over the top in this situation. As for babysitting c'mon...the kids were outside. Hand them some popsicles, a few water balloons, and some sparklers and they won't even know you are there.


I agree with this except they DID inquire before just "stopping by" and he DID invite them and he mentioned that to his wife so she KNEW he had invited them over and they hadn't just seen them outside.

Though it sounds like her objection may have been more about the fact that it was mostly rambunctious kids she felt she had to babysit if she stayed outside. So I'm not sure why that converted into anger at her husband. She could have said something to the neighbors at that point just as easily as her husband could have. If you want to pinpoint exact blame I'd say it comes down to what was her reaction when hubby said he invited them over -- did she say "I wish you hadn't done that." Or was she fine with it until they turned out to not be fun guests.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

personofinterest said:


> Your wife was a shrew. Its fireworks. They didn't stay all day or drop off their kids and leave.
> 
> Only a high-maintenance shrill type would have made a thing out of this.


It's only fireworks. It's only for an ice cream. It's only for run through our sprinkler. When does "it's only" not apply?


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

WorkingWife said:


> I agree with this except they DID inquire before just "stopping by" and he DID invite them and he mentioned that to his wife so she KNEW he had invited them over and they hadn't just seen them outside.
> 
> Though it sounds like her objection may have been more about the fact that it was mostly *rambunctious kids she felt she had to babysit if she stayed outside.* So I'm not sure why that converted into anger at her husband. She could have said something to the neighbors at that point just as easily as her husband could have. If you want to pinpoint exact blame I'd say it comes down to what was her reaction when hubby said he invited them over -- did she say "I wish you hadn't done that." Or was she fine with it until they turned out to not be fun guests.


Here's the thing. His wife is an adult capable of creating her own boundaries. If she was "babysitting" other people's children, it was because she was CHOOSING to whether it was because she felt obligated or because she just has control issues. Some neighbors with kids came to the front yard with their energetic kids on a holiday to watch fireworks.

The wife's response was to pout inside and then punish hubby.

Like I said, a shrew.


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