# Being called a pervert for wanting sex with wife



## BlueMoon1111 (Feb 8, 2012)

Title says it all recently but on a number of occasions in the recent past if I have suggested to my wife about getting it on, and she has laughed it off and replied "no, I'm not a pervert like you"

It feels like a real slap in the face as even the thought that I am branded a pervert for wanting to have sex with my wife is very hurtful, despite the fact that she says it in a joking kind of way.

We have been married for 13 years and to be honest our sex life has been infrequent and, to be quite frank, dull as hell.

My drive is very high, whilst hers in now low to non-existent, and it is always me doing the initiating and would be basically up for anything, whilst she just seems to have turned into a prude over the years and would probably would not be bothered if we never had sex again.

I normally get some sex and a quick BJ on my birthday each year (don't laugh!!) which kind of makes it even worse in that it is some kind of special treat on certain occasions.

We probably have sex once a month at best and its just the same routine every time, and I want so much more than this from life!!

We have a great relationship, but the lack of sex and the routine way it happens is really getting me down.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Her normal and your normal are greatly mismatched - it's a common problem. She is completely content, because she's getting all the sex she wants and needs, so of course to her you seem perversely interested all the time. Of course, you are normal too. There is rarely a solution to mismatched libidos, but there have been a few posters here who have managed to improve things. Most just end up frustrated - or divorced.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

What your wifee doesn't get, is she must take care of your needs as her own. It's not what she only wants and nuts to you. That's very selfish of her and not loving either.

Most men have high sex drives. We are built this way. We need sex for our mental and physical health and it bonds us to our women more than talk will ever do.

If you can, take the 5 love languages quiz together and compare. Then you know what her needs are and she'll know what yours are.

After my wife and I took that quiz, we now are having sex about 3x week compared to 1 - 2x month. We posted the results on our fridge as reminders to each other.

13 years of no change on her part? That's not a loving wife.

You could have the talk with her and tell her, she is sexually starving you and you're miserable. Either she meets you half way and keeps it there, out of love for you, or she doesn't change, file for divorce, give her the papers. At that point, she may say, lets go to MC or she really doesn't care and in her mind, she was done a long time ago.

But one thing is clear, she is an uncaring woman, who only cares about herself.

I feel for you brother.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

BlueMoon1111 said:


> Title says it all recently but on a number of occasions in the recent past if I have suggested to my wife about getting it on, and she has laughed it off and replied "no, I'm not a pervert like you"
> 
> It feels like a real slap in the face as even the thought that I am branded a pervert for wanting to have sex with my wife is very hurtful, despite the fact that she says it in a joking kind of way.
> 
> ...


You have a great friend, but a shi$$y marriage. The sexual bond is too important in marriage to say you have a great relationship. Minus one day a month, you have the same relationship with your W, I have with my brother.
Of course, your W has her needs met right? So why should she change? I mean, who cares about your needs? Obviously she gets to live life as she wishes and you have to oblige. 
Let her know that you will accept nothing less than a complete change or you will file for D and follow through and you will see a different wife emerge. Wake her up man. Or leave her and fins a woman worth being married to.
I liken a marriage like yours to having a mailman who only delivers the bills, never the letters or magazines or gifts. Now he would get fired, so why does she get to keep her job?


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Married but Happy said:


> Her normal and your normal are greatly mismatched - it's a common problem. She is completely content, because she's getting all the sex she wants and needs, so of course to her you seem perversely interested all the time. Of course, you are normal too. There is rarely a solution to mismatched libidos, but there have been a few posters here who have managed to improve things. Most just end up frustrated - or divorced.


I agree with the above assessment. I see a big additional issue - however - in the level of disrespect shown by the LD wife.

To the OP: Trust me - your W may sound lighthearted (and she probably does not believe it), but that attitude belies contempt. She thinks so little of your needs that it's cool to make jokes. *What would happen if, the next time she says that, you say "no, the problem is that you are a frigid old hag who doesn't mind growing coochie cobwebs"?*

I bet she would verbally kick your a$$, if not just walk off on you. And what does that (the way she treats you vs. the way she would allow you to treat her) say to you?

Understand that there is no chance this will get better unless she sees you as her equal and thus sees your priorities as equal to hers. And that will not happen until you stand up for yourself and put an end to this. You must confront her, insist that your needs and perspective matter as much as hers, and then insist she stop treating you in this way and instead work on reaching a true compromise.


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

Just so you know you are not alone, my wife calls me a pervert for thinking that married couples should have sex. She would just rather have orgasm by herself and to just live as room mates.

The only things that hold me in here are that I want to be with my kids every day and that I have seen the financial destruction that goes with divorce.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Her definition of pervert needs to be changed. You must tell her what you stated above 

"We have a great relationship, but the lack of sex and the routine way it happens is really getting me down."

If it indeed a great relationship then she should take steps to address it. I would start with telling her you find it insulting you want to make love to your wife and she insults you over it. 

Discuss dull while you are at it. You have to take steps to improve. it won't fix itself. 

good luck


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Heard a lot of this from Wife No. 1, that I was a pervert for wanting sex with her ~And it largely played out that way only until I suspected that she was having no trouble in banging an old fart company VP more!

I reckon that he just had a few more perks to offer her, promotion-wise!*


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

Put your needs first. Tell her exactly what you want. Tell her that it's disrespectful to call you a pervert. Then be done with it. Don't engage her, don't try to reason why. Keep it on track. If she try's to reason with you, blame shift etc tell you **** like " well if you just did bla blah blah" be clear and concise. Needs are not traded tit for tat. 

If she says "no" either walk or live with it. But man up and tell her straight up.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Are you over weight? Smoke?

Can you up your sex ranking? Can you make yourself more attractive?

Since you resent her attitude, will it poison your marriage in the long run?

Does she have friends or relatives who have divorced? What does she about their decision?

Short of divorce, what would she say to an open marriage?

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

His love language is the physical stuff and hers is keep out!

She needs a wake up call soon. Stop the meaningless sex and if you have any issues with her pound them on. Do not give her a free pass on anything.

Eventually she'll get the message or leave. 

Sex of this frequency and quality only helps legitimize a marriage that has long ago gone belly-up.

Think of it as an 180 with a punch. If she can tolerate you for more than a couple months she either loves you or is codependent.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

bbdad said:


> Just so you know you are not alone, my wife calls me a pervert for thinking that married couples should have sex. She would just rather have orgasm by herself and to just live as room mates.
> 
> The only things that hold me in here are that I want to be with my kids every day and that I have seen the financial destruction that goes with divorce.


How long would she be content to live as roommates if you were unemployed?


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## kitty2013 (Dec 6, 2013)

Life is unfair!!! ( I wish my husband was a HD guy.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

BlueMoon1111 said:


> Title says it all recently but on a number of occasions in the recent past if I have suggested to my wife about getting it on, and she has laughed it off and replied "no, I'm not a pervert like you"
> 
> It feels like a real slap in the face as even the thought that I am branded a pervert for wanting to have sex with my wife is very hurtful, despite the fact that she says it in a joking kind of way.
> 
> ...


Tough man, sorry!! What happens when you guys talk about it?


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## alphabravo (Feb 4, 2013)

There was a part of your marriage vows that said, "...to have and to hold." So right there, she is the one (not you) who has broken the vows first.

And she can call you a pervert because she has the power. You need to get that back in balance. The next time she says something like that, rather than sit there and look at her like a deer in head lights think of a clever response before hand.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

She is trying to shame you. It is her way of avoiding the issue, and casting the blame on you.

I will suggest two books for you. The first one will help you to understand that you have no need to be shamed for your desires.

That book is "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Dr Glover. Someone recently posted a free pdf version. 

https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf


The other book is called "Passionate Marriage" by David Snarch. In this book the author explains how the one who has less desire for sex controls the sexual relationship, if the one with more desire allows him/her to. And he talks about ways to break the cycle. 

In my opinion Divorce *HAS* to be an option in every discussion of how much sex and the quality of the sex.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

My I suggest thinking of a clever initiation statement rather then a responsive statement.
Instead of asking for sex ask her is she would like to build some more resentment.
When she ask you WTF you are talking about then ask her for some sex.

I wish I had some great advise but my old lady is HD and I just can't imagine.

alphbravo does make a point, next time she calls you a pervert tell her to leave name calling out of this and lets adress the issue for her lack of sex drive for her husband. Then really listen and come back here and let us know what she has to say.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

That whoosh sound was the clever comeback flying over the LD's head :rofl:

Clever comebacks work great in sitcoms but battle hardened LD's have heard it all. If they're willing to put their marriage on the line to avoid sex, a few clever words won't make any difference.

For the most part the same with many DIY books...


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## Janky (Nov 26, 2013)

Was your sex life always like this?

When did it start to fade away?

Has she seen a Dr about LD?


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Same boat as the OP. 
If I want anything other than what my wife is prepared to give, I am a disgusting pervert. She thinks once a month vanilla sex is enough.

Her attitude towards sex has basically killed my libido. And yes I resent her for it.

I hope that when the time is right, I will find a woman who understands me, is prepared to think about me and my needs.
In return, she will get someone who will do anything for her.

Sadly, there are so many married people on TAM married to partners who are selfish and don't care about their partners needs.

I hate my wife, maybe even despise her. But my love and need for them (our children) in my life, far outweighs my hate of her. For now.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

sparkyjim said:


> The other book is called "Passionate Marriage" by David Snarch. In this book the author explains how the one who has less desire for sex controls the sexual relationship, if the one with more desire allows him/her to. And he talks about ways to break the cycle.


I've read (and really like) Passionate Marriage. It's fairly dense and takes a while to get through. I've heard another Scharch book - Intimacy and Desire - expands more on the issue and is less dense. But, I've never read it and can't speak to it.

Be careful about sharing the contents of that book with your wife. The author makes some bold claims that some LD folks might find offensive. The first that comes to mind is that he derides the sex life that consists of only those acts both partners are comfortable with as "sexual leftovers".\

The second (and more problematic) is his claim people who refuse sexual variety are immature. They do so because they attach their self-worth to their sexual style and haven't grown enough to see sex as a gift to their spouses. You can imagine how your wife will react if she gets the message "you're an emotionally stunted person who hasn't grown enough to be sexually generous".

I'd recommend you work on the principles of the book as you can, without having her read it (as is suggested with "No More Mr. Nice Guy), at least until you feel she can accept the book's advice in a constructive manner.


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## 12345Person (Dec 8, 2013)

DTO said:


> I've read (and really like) Passionate Marriage. It's fairly dense and takes a while to get through. I've heard another Scharch book - Intimacy and Desire - expands more on the issue and is less dense. But, I've never read it and can't speak to it.
> 
> Be careful about sharing the contents of that book with your wife. The author makes some bold claims that some LD folks might find offensive. The first that comes to mind is that he derides the sex life that consists of only those acts both partners are comfortable with as "sexual leftovers".\
> 
> ...


My husband loves anal. I HATE it. I do it for him anyways.

If you can't even "sacrifice" to make your partner happy you are NOT relationship material.


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

Anonymous Person said:


> My husband loves anal. I HATE it. I do it for him anyways.
> 
> If you can't even "sacrifice" to make your partner happy you are NOT relationship material.



Sorry I can't resist...

Some times love is a pain in the ass. But we sacrifice for those we love.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Anonymous Person said:


> My husband loves anal. I HATE it. I do it for him anyways.
> 
> If you can't even "sacrifice" to make your partner happy you are NOT relationship material.


I'm sure all is good for you guys. Just wanted to say that I cannot imagine my partner expecting something if he knew that I hated it. I don't think we have to go beyond our own boundaries just to make another happy if it makes us unhappy.


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## 12345Person (Dec 8, 2013)

Holland said:


> I'm sure all is good for you guys. Just wanted to say that I cannot imagine my partner expecting something if he knew that I hated it. I don't think we have to go beyond our own boundaries just to make another happy if it makes us unhappy.


There are things I want he doesn't like doing, but he does for me. Wouldn't have it another way.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

I'd echo the others who asked if she was always this way or was she once a more enthusiastic and energetic partner? This could be much more about power and control then about the actual act. As mentioned above, its the same old crap about "who cares the lease has the power" be it sex, affection, or how clean the house is. Some people seem to be very good at hiding who they really are until they have their hooks in you. Then, when they don't have to keep up the facade, you get to see what you're really with.


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

Anonymous Person said:


> There are things I want he doesn't like doing, but he does for me. Wouldn't have it another way.


There is also a certain enjoyment that a partner gets from seeing the other partner enjoy themselves and be really turned on.

Beyond the "pain in the arse" (sorry...had to) its one of the things that I enjoy very much. Seeing her turned on. Watching her move certain ways, the look in her eyes, etc. IF I have to do something that may make me a little uncomfortable in that situation then so be it. I am doing it for her....and truthfully a little bit for me....because I love to see her turned on.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Cyclist said:


> There is also a certain enjoyment that a partner gets from seeing the other partner enjoy themselves and be really turned on.
> 
> Beyond the "pain in the arse" (sorry...had to) its one of the things that I enjoy very much. Seeing her turned on. Watching her move certain ways, the look in her eyes, etc. IF I have to do something that may make me a little uncomfortable in that situation then so be it. I am doing it for her....and truthfully a little bit for me....because I love to see her turned on.


I get this and agree. My other comment was a general one about doing things that a partner HATES doing. I was in a sexless marriage and my ex was not into sex other than vanilla but even though my likes are far broader, I would not have enjoyed myself if he was doing things he hated doing.

Personally the ultimate place for me is being with a partner that I have complete compatibility with, we both enjoy trying new things, there is nothing either of us do that we hate. Utopia.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

That's pretty much how it is. Last night it was kind of cold and my wife specifically asked me to come close to her in bed so she would not feel so cold. This morning she complained that she could not sleep because I was too close :rofl: it feels that she is quite upset I'm not "bothering her" any more...

It's all a big contradiction fueled by insecurity. That's about the gist of it. Ultimately we destroy the best years together to avoid what?


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

john117 said:


> That whoosh sound was the clever comeback flying over the LD's head :rofl:
> 
> Clever comebacks work great in sitcoms but battle hardened LD's have heard it all. If they're willing to put their marriage on the line to avoid sex, a few clever words won't make any difference.
> 
> For the most part the same with many DIY books...


It might not make a difference with the sex, but it will most certainly help regain respectful treatment from his wife. At the very least, she will treat him better because doing so is easier than hearing his responses to her disrespectful behavior.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Holland said:


> I don't think we have to go beyond our own boundaries just to make another happy if it makes us unhappy.


Well, if that works in your marriage, and if it goes both ways, then go for it.

I think the general answer is the appropriateness of this attitude depends on where your boundaries lie. If your boundaries are monogamy and indoors, you're golden. If, OTOH, your boundaries are PIV only, then you're right at what Schnarch calls "sexual leftovers".


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

DTO said:


> It might not make a difference with the sex, but it will most certainly help regain respectful treatment from his wife. At the very least, she will treat him better because doing so is easier than hearing his responses to her disrespectful behavior.



They don't care. Trust me.... The selfishness inherent in many LD's is well past caring.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

DTO said:


> Well, if that works in your marriage, and if it goes both ways, then go for it.
> 
> I think the general answer is the appropriateness of this attitude depends on where your boundaries lie. If your boundaries are monogamy and indoors, you're golden. If, OTOH, your boundaries are PIV only, then you're right at what Schnarch calls "sexual leftovers".


Yes it works well for us because the golden thing here is mutual respect. I would never expect him to do things that he hates and visa versa. 

No idea what sexual leftovers means, is it a cultural expression? We have a great old time here as we seem to be very compatible, neither are vanilla, both are high to very high drive, we like to experiment with positions and locations, we have been to live sex shows and Burlesque clubs together, we enjoy a bit of rough play, sexting, light bondage, mutual masturbation etc. We read books about sex together and generally have very open communication about our sex lives. If any of what we did were not for him I would rather drop it from the menu than make him do things he didn't want to do.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

john117 said:


> They don't care. Trust me.... The selfishness inherent in many LD's is well past caring.


Again, as this relates to the mistreatment issue (not so much the sex per se), I have to disagree. 

My ex was terrible about providing sex. And, she liked to make snide comments about it. I flat out told her (at different times) that we had a terrible sex life (probably the worst of anyone I knew) and that it was in fact so bad that it was a non-factor in my decision to remain with her. She said I remained only for the sex, with the idea I was sex-crazed and was so undesirable that I could not get even the little bit she was willing to perform (15 minutes of PIV, once per month) elsewhere.

Well, after those exchanges, she stopped doing it. I gained back some respect and she knew she would pay some sort of price for "popping off". And, knowing I would no longer tolerate disrespect, she stopped hassling me about other stuff too. Essentially, she knew I had regained my self-esteem and that she'd have to try harder if she wanted me around in her life.

That's why I say nothing happens if you don't have that respect. Of course, having it doesn't guarantee your sex life will improve. But without it, nothing anyone does will matter.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Respect is earned either by accomplishment or by action or by contemplating what life will be without the respectee.

I do not have to worry about respect for my wife anymore than she from me. We are equals professionally and financially. Personality wise we differ considerably. I do not fear losing respect when I tell her in no uncertain words what I think of her particular thought-de-jour. likewise with her. 

She tried the cute insults and clever comebacks a few times but I tend to pick my fights. My comedy and humor skills run deep in the family and it is a rare occasion when I'm at a loss for words. Plus her command of the language even after 35 years in the USA has many gaps in the humor department...

But overall, at least from my experience, i would rather earn and keep respect with actions and accomplishments, not words. Few people are intimidated or coerced enough by words alone if the words are not backed up. Again that's been my experience so others may have different experiences.

Right now I'm waiting for her neurons to make the connection between emotional disconnect - internal- and checking out - external -... I doubt a clever comeback or three will fire the right neurons into agreement.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> How long would she be content to live as roommates if you were unemployed?


A terrible, but bullseye comment on what I think I see happening in this 'friendship'.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

A relationship in which only one produces for the desires of another isn't called "marriage". It's called "slavery". I do make exceptions for relationships involving a disabled party, in which case, the marriage transitions to a caretaker/dependent relationship.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

bbdad said:


> Just so you know you are not alone, my wife calls me a pervert for thinking that married couples should have sex. She would just rather have orgasm by herself and to just live as room mates.
> 
> The only things that hold me in here are that I want to be with my kids every day and that I have seen the financial destruction that goes with divorce.



I feel for you, sounds like you are a very honorable man and great father. Your wife doesn't deserve you.

Hang in there


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

alphabravo said:


> There was a part of your marriage vows that said, "...to have and to hold." So right there, she is the one (not you) who has broken the vows first.
> 
> And she can call you a pervert because she has the power. You need to get that back in balance. The next time she says something like that, rather than sit there and look at her like a deer in head lights think of a clever response before hand.


Exactly! I once read that a spouses INACTION to meet the other's needs is just as bad as an ACTION that a spouse takes to meet their needs.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Dawg, 

That's a weak statement to make, when you know they want you to be weak and release that statement. You are in a tough position. Many of us have been put in it. Be as much of a man as you can be, also be attractive and charming to the other ladies. It will help you.

Your wife may never come around, because they figure they got you by the balls. Once they start thinking leverages and control, the relationship will never be the same. There's no love you are a resource that steadily and dutily provides.

Wish you the best on the holidays, and want you to know that there is still life in the rest of the world and someone who will appreciate a great man that you are.


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## basementboy (Oct 29, 2009)

My love life has sucked for the past eight or nine years. My wife is an unhappy person and projects her misery and blame onto me. I am the nearest and largest target she can find. At this point I would just like to get a divorce but it would be the biggest and hardest project of my life and I just don't have the energy (and probably the money) to get it done.


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## testr72 (Jan 15, 2013)

askari said:


> Same boat as the OP.
> If I want anything other than what my wife is prepared to give, I am a disgusting pervert. She thinks once a month vanilla sex is enough.
> 
> Her attitude towards sex has basically killed my libido. And yes I resent her for it.
> ...


Im in the same situation, once a month or less is fine by her. The kids are keeping me in this relationship. 
She always says that Im selfish when I try to initiate anything with her. 
Shes become unavailable physically and emotionally, doesnt realize that shes destroying her marriage.
I think some women become mothers and they just cant seem to get out of this role. They forget that they have husbands and a relationship with their man keeps the family together


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I think there are two important things about a "joke" like this ("you're a pervert" etc.).

One is that it may hurt the man a lot more than the woman may realize. Men are often portrayed in the media as sex animals with no emotions. Yet a man can feel very rejected and slapped down when he is told that his desire to be intimate with his own wife is nothing more than being "horny" or a "pervert," even if it's a "joke."

The second thing is that when a woman makes a "joke" like this, she may herself be expressing anxiety about sex without realizing it. Jokes often say a lot about our psyche. The woman does not realize that something about her husband's sexual desire, or perhaps any sexual desire, is threatening, and hence she "jokingly" calls the man a "pervert" -- something that implies a bad and threatening person.


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## BerryBlue (Nov 5, 2011)

I can sympathize and empathize, 
I'm in a similar situation. As my tech career was being compromised by the tech bubble bursting I agreed to help put my wife through grad school and stay home to raise our child in the best interest of the family. For seven years I've heard more excuses for why sex 1x every 2-3 months is "normal" for married couples with children and the implication that I'm un-enlightened and focused too much on my "lower/base" desires... I could puke! I'm so fed up and pissed about it. 

At first I asked for help with masturbation but after a while she would just say she was too tired but I was welcome to rub one out anyway. After about a year of doing that I started feeling really low, my self esteem plummeted more and more as I realized that she just wasnt/isn't interested. I tried everything to get her interested including offering to "warm her up" any way she asked for as long as she wanted. We have had many conversations on the subject but it just comes down to "she's too tired, she doesn't want sex, she doesn't feel comfortable in her skin, it doesn't feel as good to her any more and she doesn't care about it like she used to" - apparently it's my problem to deal with but I'm not allowed to find help outside the relationship. Her suggestion to me is that I should exercise and meditate more in order to "get over it", maybe even get psychological help and medication. She implies that I have a problem that needs to be "treated", that I might be a sex addict - the fact that I watch porn a few times a week reinforces her beliefs. On top of that, when she does give me mercy sex it's the most boring act imaginable. She isn't interested in role play, or experimentation, or kink, or toys, or foreplay, it's just "turn out the lights > kiss > roll over onto my side for a quick blow and then MAYBE I get a little vanilla missionary action for ten minutes before she decides she's had enough. I've gotten to the point of being resentful and angry not to mention I want her to feel what I feel. I've never been a sexual deviant or "addict", sex has never been such a focus that it has detracted anything from my life, until now. I have always had very open, candid and experimental sex life with previous partners. When I met her I was disappointed at how vanilla she was but the sex was "passable". Not any more...

Honestly, If I had a career I would be in a much better place to bargain but as it stands, if I leave her or if she leaves me, I have no income and my tech skills are outdated by a decade so I'd have to take out student loans and go back to school @ 45yrs of age while trying to make a living and find time for our child. 

I feel trapped, depressed, lost, lonely and completely debased without any recourse except to leave her and my child and start my whole life over. I can't do this to my child and in every other way our partnership is great. This one problem though.... At my age and in this economy I don't know what to do.

So, needless to say, you (the OP) and I are on the same page.

Just know that it's not us with the "problem" but there is obviously a problem. The question is: How does this get "fixed" when both people in the relationship thinks it's the others "problem"?


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Lots of sympathy here. Sexless months at a time. Sometimes 6 or more months. Angry and annoyed glances if I so much as put a hand on her shoulder in the kitchen in the morning to say I am here and care about you. An affectionless marriage, despite what I think are my best and daily efforts to introduce some warmth. Even just some civility, please. Our relationship most certainly did not start this way and I have never been in one like it before. Makes no sense to me. And then there will be an odd spell when she wants sex, often when it is not really what's on my mind but I have never said no. Who would sign up for this? My marriage is pretty much over at this point. For the better, I suppose (we've just become so toxic and impacted and our lack of intimacy I think was no small part of how we got here), though I cannot stand to see my children's family fall apart.

What about counseling? I have heard of some women counselors who specialize in low libido, what may cause it, and how to restore a healthy balance. Might have been something we could have used about 10 years ago.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

You know I feel so sorry for your wives one day when they turn about 45 -50 yrs old and their libido hits the roof and they find out what its like to be horny all the time and have a husbands who's libido is declining because of their age ...boy is the Karma truck going to hit them. Sorry guys....I really do feel bad for you I wish I knew what to tell you to do, your wives are missing out on the best part of their youth and they don't even realize it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BerryBlue (Nov 5, 2011)

Harken Banks said:


> Lots of sympathy here. Sexless months at a time. Sometimes 6 or more months. Angry and annoyed glances if I so much as put a hand on her shoulder in the kitchen in the morning to say I am here and care about you. An affectionless marriage, despite what I think are my best and daily efforts to introduce some warmth. Even just some civility, please. Our relationship most certainly did not start this way and I have never been in one like it before. Makes no sense to me. And then there will be an odd spell when she wants sex, often when it is not really what's on my mind but I have never said no. Who would sign up for this? My marriage is pretty much over at this point. For the better, I suppose (we've just become so toxic and impacted and our lack of intimacy I think was no small part of how we got here), though I cannot stand to see my children's family fall apart.
> 
> What about counseling? I have heard of some women counselors who specialize in low libido, what may cause it, and how to restore a healthy balance. Might have been something we could have used about 10 years ago.


How do you ever get to counseling when she thinks you are the one with the problem? I don't know about the OP but my wife wants affection ALL of the time. I still give her that sometimes, cuddling, hugs, foot rubs, etc. but inevitably it leads to me wanting more and her rejecting me again. I quit doing the snuggle thing because there is nothing worse than a months long, unrequited, snuggle boner and blue-balls like nobody's business! Over all I'd say that real, connected, affection is all but gone. We live platonic lives with superficial affection and after seven years I have developed a superpower: Rejection and denial of all hope! 

If ANYONE could have told me this would be the deal I'd get I never would have married OR had a child. I've lost everything that traditionally defines a man, I'm in new territory now without any guidance or support. 

Sometimes I wonder if there is biology and psychology at play with me being the stay at home parent and her being the breadwinner... I don't know but if that's the case it's a horrible way to treat someone who sacrificed so much for her.

For the OP, good luck, I hope you get your issues worked out. You are not alone in your misery.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

BerryBlue said:


> How do you ever get to counseling when she thinks you are the one with the problem? I don't know about the OP but my wife wants affection ALL of the time. I still give her that sometimes, cuddling, hugs, foot rubs, etc. but inevitably it leads to me wanting more and her rejecting me again. I quit doing the snuggle thing because there is nothing worse than a months long, unrequited, snuggle boner and blue-balls like nobody's business! Over all I'd say that real, connected, affection is all but gone. We live platonic lives with superficial affection and after seven years I have developed a superpower: Rejection and denial of all hope!
> 
> If ANYONE could have told me this would be the deal I'd get I never would have married OR had a child. I've lost everything that traditionally defines a man, I'm in new territory now without any guidance or support.
> 
> ...


Just a thought...have you explained to her what "blue balls" are? That a man has natural build up and that if he doesn't release every certain number of days it is extremely painful. Does she understand this is part of a normal males anatomy? Have you bought her a book that explains that to her? I am not being glib...but could she really not get it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

Blue balls are a myth, if you are experiencing physical pain from lack of "releasing, there is something else wrong. I've gone as long as 6 months with no discomfort. Your body just reabsorbs unreleased sperm, my urologist confirmed all of this.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

True it does reabsorb but it is not widely agreed upon if it cause pain while waiting to be absorbed. If it helps her understand that sex is a need for a man not just a nice to have, its worth a shot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

A couple more thoughts to the OP. Sexual desire comes from a lot of things. Your sexual rank versus hers. Body agenda. A balance of dominance and service (Alpha/beta). Married man sex life primer is a great book to explain this. 

A couple points to all of you with "mercy starfish sex" wives. When they deny sexual intimacy they deny themselves too. In the case of a response of "I'm not a pervert like you" to me that may be a **** test. Sometimes you need to power through that **** and get a hard no. Put sex in terms of her turning it down instead of saying yes. Say "tonight we're in for some sexy time" not "do you want some sexy time tonight?" There's so many things going on with the way the question is stated, but that's another discussion. 

A quick synopsis of the MMSLP, get in shape, drive sexual tension, make sex something you turn down. This is very simplified so read the book to understand. 

You may get to a point where you have a higher sexual rank than your wife, and your doing all the things right to have a great sex life, and she still won't initiate. You need to decide if you can stay married. Me, I'm working on being the best me I can be. Why would any one stay with someone just to be roommates? Why would you teach your kids that a loveless sexless marriage is ok? Isn't it better to be a good divorced couple than a bad married one? Believe me, they don't see you bonking your wife, but they say the lack of affection. They learn that's ok.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

This so true U.E. McGill...I didn't realize how much kids notice until my future daughter in law told my son "I want what your parents have. The love on each other all the time...they act like teenagers.... its obvious they still love each other." I wasn't sure about the teenager part but it appears we must be doing something right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

I got a prostate infection some time back....my urologist said that a man really needs to 'flush the pipes out' a couple of times a month.

In our teens its done naturally with wet dreams (I never had one because I was flushing the pipes 2 x a day!!!) but once we hit 20'ish its up to us and our partners.

Thing is, if you have a partner who isnt interested and just kills your libido to the point that you couldn't even be bothered to jack off...then you have a problem!

I have to make the effort now to watch some porn, get turned on and do the business.

yup....my asexual wife has killed my passion to that extent.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

I feel for all on here are deprived of sex from your spouses, I myself could not live like it. I need my cuddles, kisses and all that is involved, If i was not being satisfied in the bedroom and deprived from it all i would be questioning my relationship to whether i would still want to be in it.

I could not stay in a sexless marriage, I need to feel loved, and sex is all part and parcel of it.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

mineforever said:


> You know I feel so sorry for your wives one day when they turn about 45 -50 yrs old and their libido hits the roof and they find out what its like to be horny all the time and have a husbands who's libido is declining because of their age ...boy is the Karma truck going to hit them. Sorry guys....I really do feel bad for you I wish I knew what to tell you to do, your wives are missing out on the best part of their youth and they don't even realize it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Karma WILL NOT hit them. What will happen is the sex drive will peak in that age range. Hubbies sex drive has been degraded so long it will be a miracle if it returns, and his c0ck confidence is less than half of what it was when he was having consistent sex and feeling good about his abilities.

So wifeys drive will peak, and she will be interested in sex, horny and looking around at men, wondering what their packages are like how it feels to be close to them. She will want some young guy by that point, after wasting all these years of her husbands sex life.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

The one thing that would bother me would be confronting her about the lack of sex to the point where she finally gives in and has sex with you a lot more that you have been getting and what have you got? 

Your getting pity sex and to me that is far worse than being called a pervert or any other name.

The thought of my wife giving up sex and just laying there willing to be used just so I can get off, is more of a slap to the face then anything else. 

There has to be some middle ground that both can agree on but pity sex is the biggest disrespect. It's like using sex as a weapon.


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## arhodd (Feb 18, 2013)

And here I am with a husband who rarely wants it, always does the SAME routine and can barely make it through one session without collapsing from exhaustion.

Only married two years and I practically have to beg for it. So much for every man always wanting sex. 

Anyway, not to make this about me, sorry. You are definitely not a pervert and she should not be calling you that for wanting to be intimate with his WIFE. Another woman, another man, another animal - then you have a pervert. You should tell her that it hurts your feelings that she calls you that when you simply want to be intimate with her because you love her. Seems to me she has some insecurities she needs to work out. OR she could have hormonal issues (which I think may be my husband's problem) that are keeping her from wanting it and that may be causing her insecurities/anxiety.

I'm so jealous of her right now. I would be ecstatic if my husband wanted me all the time. You have a great relationship, so please don't let this break you. Sex is important, but it's not THE most important thing. I'm not content with my sex life, either (obviously), but I wouldn't consider cheating or leaving for it.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Want sex with someone else. Make youself charming amongst the other ladies in and around your life. Do some things that are fun to you.

Don't keep feeding the wife with your sexual energy and effort being unreturned, it is not good for your spirits. You'll look like someone who doesn't get sex and is rejected, sexually frustrated.


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## bettermarriage (Apr 8, 2013)

This seems like a common issue, and one I encountered in my own marriage. I reached a point where I wasn't happy in my marriage (I felt like I was being ignored, mistreated, and generally taken for granted) and I kind of "shut off" that sexual side of me. From what I've heard, this seems surprisingly easy for women to do when they need to, and I thought I was quite content in a relatively sexless marriage. Once my husband and I reconnected, sex re-entered our marriage and was better than ever, but I wouldn't recommend our method (he left me for another woman, which led to a reconciliation down the road where we worked out a lot of our issues and fired up our sex life again). 

Have you tried marriage counseling? Your needs are legitimate, and your wife needs to respect them. If you have expressed to her that you want to have sex with her and she constantly rejects you with explanations that make you the problem (you're a "pervert") and ignore the fact that you're not having mutually enjoyable sex on a regular basis (which is a real problem), then that's a problem. 
Perhaps ask her what she needs/wants from you sexually (if she doesn't want anything, then perhaps ask why). For many women, an emotional connection is a big part of sexual attraction, so I would suggest working on that and hoping that good sex follows. Good luck!


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## Peaches2 (Jan 21, 2014)

These responses are pretty harsh. Does anyone really think threatening your wife with divorce or explaining blue balls to her is going entice her to have more sex? If you're done with the marriage anyway I suppose you could just lay out the rules and see what she agrees to. But if you still care about her and just want things to get better you really need to talk to her not at her. You said she's turned into a prude- does that mean she was more open before? Has anything changed in the relationship? Is it possible she's resenting you for something you thought was long under the bridge. Are you looking at porn? Many, many wives get the same feelings from that as if you have physically cheated. Maybe she couldn't bring herself to divorce you for it but it can definitely, absolutely, positively change her attraction to you. Maybe it's something else, has she gained weight and needs extra assurance you're attracted to her-not just horney but really turned on by just her? Are you good in bed, is it any fun for her when you do have sex. It would be sad to end the relationship or spend the rest of it mad at her for something that could be worked out.


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## MarriedManInHis40s (Mar 28, 2013)

BerryBlue said:


> Honestly, If I had a career I would be in a much better place to bargain but as it stands, if I leave her or if she leaves me, I have no income and my tech skills are outdated by a decade so I'd have to take out student loans and go back to school @ 45yrs of age while trying to make a living and find time for our child.


Yikes. Is she working? Would you qualify for spousal support if you left her? That's how it would work in my jurisdiction (Canada).


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## ladyavon (Oct 10, 2011)

I have the exact opposite problem. I want it, he doesn't.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

MarriedManInHis40s said:


> Yikes. Is she working? Would you qualify for spousal support if you left her? That's how it would work in my jurisdiction (Canada).



You know I was just thinking the same thing. That would be the case in some of the states as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Peaches2 - I agree they are harsh responses...but calling your husband a pervert because he wants intimacy is harsh and disrespectful. It might take rocking her boat to get her to quit blocking and side stepping the issue. There are some people that the only way to get them to change is to shock them out of complacency.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

mineforever said:


> Peaches2 - I agree they are harsh responses...but calling your husband a pervert because he wants intimacy is harsh and disrespectful. It might take rocking her boat to get her to quit blocking and side stepping the issue. There are some people that the only way to get them to change is to shock them out of complacency.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


At one point several years ago I suggested to my wife that if she did not have interest in intimacy or affection with me maybe we should each be free to find that elsewhere. To make the point that the situation was miserable. She called to my daughters to get them to come and listen and screamed "Did you hear that, your dad wants to f*ck other women." I remember it clearly and other episodes like it before and after. These are little kids, mind you. At the time our oldest was 8 and our youngest was 2. Nice imagery for developing minds. It's a total mess when you are in this situation and maybe the only solution is out. And lots of patience until then. Because anything you say can and will be used against you.


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## ratfink5 (May 6, 2013)

BS. BB is a genuine and real physiological phenomemon. Repeated arousal without release causes painful tender accumulation of fluid in the scrotum. I am 60 years old and had the worse case of my life after a third date with a woman who invited me to her home for what I thought would be sex. I was aroused repeatedly before and during the date, and left frustrated. By the next day, I had such a case of BB it was painful to masturbate. My scrotum was full of what seemed like gelatinous fluid. My ejaculate was the largest volume ever, and thin and watery. After that, it took 3 days for the fluid in my scrotum to be reabsorbed. Sure, if you never get aroused, or never have unreleased arousal, you will never get BB. And if you get it, it may subside on its own in time, as your doc says. But it is real. I also had a bad case once in my early 20's, after a similar date situation, overnite with a woman who wanted to have physical closeness but no sex. I spent all night with an erection. Next day, I rode my motorcycle home (40 miles) and my balls ached so bad I pulled off the road and tried to masturbate.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

There is a memory I have that probably should not exist of hell night as pledge at one of the stations of hell. I was blindfolded then seated across a candle lit table from 3 brothers in hooded robes. The blind fold was removed, as it was at most stations. There were three cups placed before me. I don't remember exactly what it was all about but I was to choose from one of the 3 cups and drink. Each had its own virtue and vice and each would take me to a different place. It was like the lady or the tiger. I chose the one that looked most like my most favored spirit and drank. "You have chosen well." It was all sh*t and it didn't matter what I drank they were going to say the same thing anyway. I know because I later became president of that house in a bit of a conscription campaign. That memory and imagery come to mind the last few years when I think about my marriage. And I smile at the memory.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

That may be true but most spouses not giving up sex, aren't arousing their partner either? BB doesn't happen from lack of sex, I know men that have gone over 20 years, and have had no prostate or pain issues, they may masturbate, I don't know??


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## ratfink5 (May 6, 2013)

I am a recently divorced man of 60 trying to date my way to a sustainable new relationship. And what I really wanted to add to the discussion is that somehow I don't just want to be with a lover who complies with my wishes in order to go along and get along, somehow I want her to be similarly aroused and enthusiastic about doing the various moves together, and yes, sensing her arousal, and feeling that I am the source of it, is just about the best part. Along with being stimulated by her, and feeling that she is being aroused by the act of stimulating me. I have been with two women in the past few years, one my ex wife, and one who I was dating, that said "I need to know it is me you are doing this for, not just anybody", and "All you want is sex". Neither of these is clear cut. Yes, you are special, and I am with you because I recognize that, and I want to be with you. And if I can't be with you for whatever reasons, then there is somebody else out there with the qualities I need for a fulfilling relationship. And the fulfillment depends on sex. Not just on sex, and that isn't the only thing I want, but just as other forms of intimacy are foundational for you, mutually enthusiastic voluntary aroused sex is foundational for me. My therapist once asked me whether I would seek sex outside the marriage if my wife were physically unable to join me in sex. No doubt that would depend on other coincidental circumstances, including the strength of the relationship otherwise.


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## BerryBlue (Nov 5, 2011)

mineforever said:


> You know I was just thinking the same thing. That would be the case in some of the states as well.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, she's working. That's not much consolation though because grad loans take 25% of her income and once again, well being and security would be taken from my child x2 so I wouldn't feel great about that. 

I guess in that sense I might have some sense of security albeit slight. 

This whole concept is sooo painful. I feel as though my options are: stay in a comfortable relationship where I feel that I can trust her, be there for my child daily to guide her through life and be loved but... no sex, possibly for the rest of my life. Or, leave her, leave my child knowing she will move across the country and I will possibly lose contact, lose the comfort of a good relationship in every other way and some sense of financial security - but - possibly find someone just to have sex with even though I have no career and will have to start my life over at 45... To be honest I don't know which is more frightening.  I've been dealing with this quandary for a couple years now thinking that something would break, that some path will make itself known... nothing is clear, no path feels right. 

I'm paralyzed that if I take the divorce path it will be a worse hell than what I'm currently facing. To a certain extent I feel like I need to wait it out a bit longer until my child is older and better equipped, at least that's what I keep telling myself in order to keep going through my days. 

In all honesty didn't come here for help or to create drama, this is my struggle and I'm not sure there is a right answer over all, just a right answer for now... the right answer for the long run might be another story but unfortunately there is a child involved whom I love dearly. I found this post looking for ways others in my position are dealing with this and I wrote to support the OP and commiserate by acknowledging his ordeal with my own anecdotes. 

Actually, in some ways I feel worse talking about it because I feel like a coward not knowing the right answer or possibly blind by not seeing it.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

woundedwarrior said:


> That may be true but most spouses not giving up sex, aren't arousing their partner either? BB doesn't happen from lack of sex, I know men that have gone over 20 years, and have had no prostate or pain issues, they may masturbate, I don't know??


BB comes from getting aroused with no release, but I have found that it happens so fast sometimes that you don't even have time to fix the problem before it's on you. Hard to tell your date that you just need to nick into the bathroom to service your inflamed testicles.

No arousal, no BB.


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## BerryBlue (Nov 5, 2011)

Harken Banks said:


> At one point several years ago I suggested to my wife that if she did not have interest in intimacy or affection with me maybe we should each be free to find that elsewhere. To make the point that the situation was miserable. She called to my daughters to get them to come and listen and screamed "Did you hear that, your dad wants to f*ck other women." I remember it clearly and other episodes like it before and after. These are little kids, mind you. At the time our oldest was 8 and our youngest was 2. Nice imagery for developing minds. It's a total mess when you are in this situation and maybe the only solution is out. And lots of patience until then. Because anything you say can and will be used against you.


Holy ****, that's horrible, I feel bad for the kids! Why would she do that? We try not to argue in front of our child, when we do we keep it civil and clean, otherwise, all bets are off, hahaha.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

BerryBlue said:


> Holy ****, that's horrible, I feel bad for the kids! Why would she do that? We try not to argue in front of our child, when we do we keep it civil and clean, otherwise, all bets are off, hahaha.


Sadly, it's been much worse since. Things I will not put into print. Just be mindful when confronting this stuff. Sometimes out is better than through.


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## BerryBlue (Nov 5, 2011)

ratfink5 said:


> I am a recently divorced man of 60 trying to date my way to a sustainable new relationship. And what I really wanted to add to the discussion is that somehow I don't just want to be with a lover who complies with my wishes in order to go along and get along, somehow I want her to be similarly aroused and enthusiastic about doing the various moves together, and yes, sensing her arousal, and feeling that I am the source of it, is just about the best part. Along with being stimulated by her, and feeling that she is being aroused by the act of stimulating me. I have been with two women in the past few years, one my ex wife, and one who I was dating, that said "I need to know it is me you are doing this for, not just anybody", and "All you want is sex". Neither of these is clear cut. Yes, you are special, and I am with you because I recognize that, and I want to be with you. And if I can't be with you for whatever reasons, then there is somebody else out there with the qualities I need for a fulfilling relationship. And the fulfillment depends on sex. Not just on sex, and that isn't the only thing I want, but just as other forms of intimacy are foundational for you, mutually enthusiastic voluntary aroused sex is foundational for me. My therapist once asked me whether I would seek sex outside the marriage if my wife were physically unable to join me in sex. No doubt that would depend on other coincidental circumstances, including the strength of the relationship otherwise.


Ratfink - love the name BTW, hotrod comic reference? - I can't agree more. This is part of the issue at hand, even if she did just take one for the team and "service me" it wouldn't be much better than what I can do for myself, I'm a *lot* better at pleasing me than she is. What I want from her is genuine, loving, emotional and physical arousal. If I'm not getting that then it's just a physical release that feels contrived and artificial. Actually 50% of the times we do have sex it's totally mechanical and afterward I think to myself "why did I even want that, is that all there is?"


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

OP - you didn't indicate in anyway what discussions you've actually had with your wife, which is why I'm surprised at some of the responses. Advice that you get should be different depending on whether you've actually shared any of these thoughts with her.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

BerryBlue said:


> Yes, she's working. That's not much consolation though because grad loans take 25% of her income and once again, well being and security would be taken from my child x2 so I wouldn't feel great about that.
> 
> I guess in that sense I might have some sense of security albeit slight.
> 
> ...


If you have no career then what's stopping you from following wherever across the country she decides to go? Honestly this all sounds like BS excuses to me. Start working on your education and career right now while you can, then when you can support yourself, dump her.


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## DistantFire (Dec 12, 2013)

If she has always been like that there can be several reasons for her behavior. 
1. She may have been sexually abused as a child.
2. She may have chemical imbalance, estrogen/ testosterone.
3. Sex may be painful for her.
4. She may have a low self image
If she has NOT always been like that then it could be
1. Number 2 or 3 from above
2. If you have developed a personal hygiene issue, e.g. bad breath, body 
odor. 
3. She is having an affair.
Try this first...Make a date with her. Take her to dinner. Compliment her on how nice she looks. Hold her hand. Things like that, just dont mention sex.
When you get to the point where she seems receptive to sex, take your time. Do lots of foreplay, tell her how pretty she looks, smells. Women respond to that type of thing. btw asking her if she wants to get it on is not the way to get sex. You might as well just say " Hey ya wanna f-- k?.
If you try a couple of date nights and get no results the I suugest you sit down and have a chat with her about sex. Don't point out her faults rather tell her you are concerned about her because she seems not to be interested in having sex. Tell her when she calls you a pervert it hurts your feelings. If you seem not to be getting anywhere with your chat, tell her you think it would be a good idea to see a counselour. If she refuses then you go see a counselor alone. Dont give up on your effort. Keep in mind she may be turned off by you. Do a self assessment before doing anything else.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Distant - I know you are trying to be helpful and positive...but very often by the time guys get to TAM they have often tried all of the above.

My wife and I went to counselling together...when the importance of sex came up my wife clammed up and within two weeks stopped going. She didnt think we had a sex issue and that sex maybe once a month was normal and why should she do something that doesnt interest her?
I still go twice a month, for me.

I have lost all interest in her and our marriage but stay, like so many do, because of our two children.

So whilst all your suggestions above are spot on, its probably a case of been there, done that, didn't even get a t-shirt!


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## RaiderGirl (Jul 3, 2013)

I'm sorry for all your pain . Passion is a lovely thing so dont change.

What you do want to change is her. I can tell you what will never work.
Dont argue
Dont beg
Dont think clever replies do it.
Dont stop initiating thinking she will cave in.
Dont to porn or other.
Dont sulk, fight, ignore it or do the puppy face.
DONT EXPLAIN YOUR SELF OR YOUR NEEDS.

What will work.
Change yourself by
Upping your sexual ranking
Destablizing her world
Displaying your value
Earning your place as husband.
and more....

Many of the self help books here are excellent but there is alot of phsyco-babel and you want action.
Learn to do these things with the no BS no Physco BS book called Married Mans Sex Life or
MMSL: The primer by Athol Kay
Its a plan, like an instruction manual. Its funny too.
A step by step, no BS , action plan on how to get your spouse to f8ck you.
If you want more information there is a forum by the same name . You can read posts of men doing the MMSL thing. 

Do it. it works I have seen it work.
You can not continue as you are.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

woundedwarrior said:


> Blue balls are a myth, if you are experiencing physical pain from lack of "releasing, there is something else wrong. I've gone as long as 6 months with no discomfort. Your body just reabsorbs unreleased sperm, my urologist confirmed all of this.


Not true. Just because it isn't that way for some, doesn't mean it's not that way for others.

Many men with vasectomies experience testicle pain. Yes, the sperm does re-absorb into the body, but there is often pressure accompanying that or prior to it which can cause considerable discomfort.

Myself, I don't have a vasectomy, but if I go about 6 days without a release, I will start getting pain, primarily in my left testicle. Sometimes quite bad.

Had an experience some years ago as well with a girl I was dating. Apparently she thought it okay after a couple months of dating to finally engage in intercourse. You see, she read this book "why men like b!tches". Well, in this book they describe how women should be like a candy store, and giving up the "goods" is like giving out juju-bees. To be given out a little at a time to keep them trying harder and making sure the guy would stick around, as well as to make sure he was genuinely interested in you as a person, and not just for sex. Well, apparently she missed the part in the book that says to not sexually frustrate a man, and starting and stopping was cruel.

In my hot tub we started kissing, foreplay, and eventually intercourse. Hot and heavy. Half way through we stop and move to bed. I'd gotten fairly "close" to orgasm before we stopped, but couldn't finish off in the hot tub. Once up in the room, she proceeds to brush her teeth and finally come into bed....where she puts the brakes on things. And there I was about as wound up as a steel spring. Well, with her staying the night, I had no means of release, and finally fell off into a disturbed and frustrated sleep. 

I awoke the next morning with such an erection that would not go away, and with such a pain in my testicle, it felt like I'd been kicked in the boys.

Same thing happened the following weekend.

Sometime during the week after this second time, I found out about this book she'd been given. I read it. She was following the book as though it were a script. 

There was no third time. Saw everything I needed to see to anticipate what my sex life was going to be with that one. I stopped calling or taking calls, and she was off to give someone else a case of the blue balls...

She scoffed at the "blue balls" thing as well, and never did see an issue with leading a guy down that path and leaving him frustrated. 

She tried to continue seeing me, but I'd seen enough and nexted her, and never looked back. She's still single, and even years later I get the occasional text from her. Still unanswered.

I've got no room in my life for a woman who will not be concerned with the frustration and physical pain (as minor as it may be comparatively to other things) that their teasing, lack of drive, or lack of empathy brings.

Don't accept it. Never let a woman think she's doing you a favor by giving you sex. Don't settle for crumbs. NEVER accept pity sex. And when they start to do that, start preparing yourself to leave. Once that starts, the resentment and frustration builds, and the love and closeness starts to fade. And what you're left with is not much more than an entitlement mentaility pain in the azz room mate.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

RaiderGirl said:


> What will work.
> Change yourself by
> Upping your sexual ranking
> Destablizing her world
> ...


Good list. But I would add to it "her earning her place as a wife" as well.

Be a good man (not a "nice guy", but rather a "good man"), do the right things, stay in shape, keep temper and emotions in check at all times, NEVER accept pity sex, don't accept less than you deserve, don't allow yourself to be disrespected, and let the cards fall where they will. If she doesn't take notice and start "earning" her place as your wife, you can BET someone else will try to... And nearly EVERY woman alive KNOWS this. It's instinct. Trigger that instinct in her, and her libido may very well follow.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

*Re: Re: Being called a pervert for wanting sex with wife*



donny64 said:


> Not true. Just because it isn't that way for some, doesn't mean it's not that way for others.
> 
> Many men with vasectomies experience testicle pain. Yes, the sperm does re-absorb into the body, but there is often pressure accompanying that or prior to it which can cause considerable discomfort.
> 
> ...


Everyone is different, but I would say only a small percentage experience this. Of course, if you are repeatedly stimulated without release, you could have problems, but most guys finish on their own so no issues. I can only speak for myself, I've only had 3 partners & 2 marriages, with a lot of sex "downtime" & no problems. If you let it "sleep", it tends to stay that way.


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## cent130130 (Nov 6, 2011)

Hearing your story makes me ill. I have been married 28 years and I'm here to tell you that it doesn't get better with time, at least it hasn't for me. Have a frank conversation with your wife now, or accept it.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

woundedwarrior said:


> Blue balls are a myth, if you are experiencing physical pain from lack of "releasing, there is something else wrong. I've gone as long as 6 months with no discomfort. Your body just reabsorbs unreleased sperm, my urologist confirmed all of this.


"Blue balls" is the colloquial name for a couple of conditions and neither of them are mythical. The first is Epididymal hypertension. In humans, penile erection is achieved via vascular restriction. (i.e. We don't have a baculum. Blood is allowed into the region, but its escape is restricted.) After awhile, the genital region starts to throb and ache. Damage can occur when this condition persists for too long which can happen with circulation altering drugs like Viagra. (Which is why there are warnings on the packaging.)

The second condition is Congestive prostatitus. You observed that the, "...body just reabsorbs unreleased sperm" which is true, but the efficiency of that process varies from man to man to man. Semen can congeal into a semi solid resulting in congestion of the prostate, which is usually quite painful. Congestion also makes one more susceptible to secondary bacterial infection which can be very stubborn and take months to treat.

Both of these conditions are described at length in any college level medical textbook, so it's curious indeed to hear that a Urologist would use the word, "Myth" in connection with them.


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

How is BlueMoon going - how about an update OP?

All this talk about balls turning all shades of the rainbow is very distracting indeed.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

FizzBomb said:


> How is BlueMoon going - how about an update OP?
> 
> All this talk about balls turning all shades of the rainbow is very distracting indeed.


It takes a vasectomy to get ALL of the shades of the rainbow.


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## daveca (Jan 14, 2014)

People play a very dangerous game when they deny their partner sex. It is the height of selfishness when one refuses to spend such a short period of time with their partner. 

When I hear people say they're too tired or too busy or not in the mood they have no idea how tired and busy and the mood they'll be in if they have to deal with their partner having an affair.

Unfortunately, many believe their partner would never do that so they deny with impunity. Most unfortunate.


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## madcapzany (Feb 20, 2014)

It seems that most replies are geared toward auto- hating the wife, and less toward finding the real issue, and saving what used to be a good relationship.
It is almost certainly NOT about sex. When a woman no longer enjoys or initiates sex with her partner the way she used to, you need to look first at yourself. 
Was she feeling close to you, and achieving orgasms when you were sexually active? Did she start withholding sex during a time when she was sexually satisfied? You know that she didnt. When did she cease to be satisfied, and what did you do then, to try and help your mate, your chosen life partner?
Women do not withhold sex without a reason, and that reason nearly always has to do with not feeling valued by her man. 
Cry all you want about how these women are so awful, emasculating, and giving you reasons to go elsewhere...but a woman that is satisfied in the bedroom does not need to look elsewhere, nor would she ever withhold sex. 
I know from (sad) experience that men find it quite easy to get used to having their own 'happy ending', with far less concern about their wife, and hers. As time goes on, the apparent lack of concern on the husbands part (whether intentional or not) begins to be perceived as selfish, uncaring, and unloving. 
Women need to feel valued and loved BEFORE they can truly enjoy sex. If a woman does not want sex with her mate, it is often because they have come to believe, over time, that their happiness means nothing to her husband, as long as he 'gets his'. 
Think for a moment, fellas, how that would be for you. The old lady hops on you, when you arent at all ready, your mind is crowded with busy busy busy day to day stuff and you need to decompress. By the time you are fully erect, she has already finished up and has turned over on her side, just beginning to snore. You lie there, aroused, with no outlet because the one you love has begun habitually gettin' it, the quittin' it.
I just described for you the scenario that many women deal with constantly. 
I doubt, especially after many of these encounters, if any men would feel valued, or even like a man at all. I think, if a man were simply used in that way, repeatedly, never achieving orgasm, there would be little incentive to even bother with trying to have sex again.
Withholding sex is not about sex, gentlemen...at least not the way you think it is. 
It is nearly always a reaction to feeling undervalued, unloved, disrespected, or any combination of these types of feelings. Not to say that it is all centered in the bedroom, it is through all aspects of life. Do you still tell her you love he laugh, her hair, her smile? Do you ever just hold her and tell her how much it means to you that she is with you, out of all the guys she could have chosen?
No marriage is fireworks all the time, and that is fine. If you want that, you will 
need to focus on short, hot encounters with little emotional connection. If you are trying to make a marriage work, you had better ask yourself why this woman who used to love your touch now flinches instead.
It doesn't happen all by itself.
Are there other trust issues? Have you given her any reason at all to think she is not 'the one woman above all others' that you want and love? Here is a tip; the guys who stare at girls while with their wives, or watch porn (especially when the wife is available) are constantly 'telling' their wives that they would prefer to be with any of those other women and not her. 
Fellas, you may not feel that way, but if we are talking about respecting , repairing, building a real relationship you have to find out why she is so angry at you, understand where the feelings stem from, and do your best to try and recreate the situations which brought you close to each other in the first place.
Angry, hurt, sad, spiteful...lots of these feelings crop up over time on both sides, and for sooo many different reasons.
There is absolutely no way a couple can be experiencing these types of issues if good communication is present.
If you want to rebuild a relationship, rather than just complain about it, it will take a lot of effort. Teach your children that their parents can overcome conflict instead of just tolerating each other...think about how it would feel to see your children making the same mistakes you are now.
Be kind and tender, and don't expect instant results. Anyone who has been withholding sex for a while has a great deal of resentment, anger, and fear too, most likely.
Get into a decent counselor and get to work. 
Or don't, and watch it get uglier and die more every day, as you trade horror stories about the boring sexless fembots you have at home. They weren't boring or sexless when you got together. It isn't likely that it happened overnight. You were there. When did things change? How did you go from crazy in love to where you are now? Do you ever just lay together, holding each other, or does your wife feel that everybtouch has to lead to sex...so she simply avoids all contact?
Don't you want your lover back, to love each other and grow together?
If not, keep doing things just the way you are.


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

madcapzany said:


> It seems that most replies are geared toward auto- hating the wife, and less toward finding the real issue, and saving what used to be a good relationship.
> 
> It is almost certainly NOT about sex. When a woman no longer enjoys or initiates sex with her partner the way she used to, you need to look first at yourself.
> 
> ...



I call bullshît. Everyman or woman who doesn't get what they want because they just sit there and let someone "hit it and quit it" get what they deserve. Your orgasm is your responsibility. If you let someone "use" you and then don't ask for yours that's your fault!!!

My wife was famous for running around like a chicken with her head cut off. Then she'd get all huffy with me. "Can't you see I'm going crazy!?! How can you let me just work like that? Don't you see I'm busy?"

Meanwhile, she never once said "I need help". She got really mad at me and I finally said "if you don't ask I'm not going to feel guilty. So quit *****ing I'm not a mind reader". Now she asks. 

People can't do something expecting something in return. It's a covert contract and no one wins.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

> 3. She is having an affair.


I would consider the possibility of this.

My XWW's attitude towards sex changed gradually and became like your wife's when she was cheating. She even called me a pervert as well. I never would have suspected that she was cheating. Some of that was due to the fact that she seemed to have such a low sex drive. 

It turns out it was only low for me.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

madcapzany said:


> Women do not withhold sex without a reason, and that reason nearly always has to do with not feeling valued by her man.


-Could not disagree more with your second clause. Often it is simply hormonal.


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## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

Harken Banks said:


> Lots of sympathy here. Sexless months at a time. Sometimes 6 or more months. Angry and annoyed glances if I so much as put a hand on her shoulder in the kitchen in the morning to say I am here and care about you. An affectionless marriage, despite what I think are my best and daily efforts to introduce some warmth. Even just some civility, please. Our relationship most certainly did not start this way and I have never been in one like it before. Makes no sense to me. And then there will be an odd spell when she wants sex, often when it is not really what's on my mind but I have never said no. Who would sign up for this? My marriage is pretty much over at this point. For the better, I suppose (we've just become so toxic and impacted and our lack of intimacy I think was no small part of how we got here), though I cannot stand to see my children's family fall apart.


Wow! I don't remember even posting this.
Oh wait, you're not me...


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## madcapzany (Feb 20, 2014)

DistantFire said:


> If she has always been like that there can be several reasons for her behavior.
> 1. She may have been sexually abused as a child.
> 2. She may have chemical imbalance, estrogen/ testosterone.
> 3. Sex may be painful for her.
> ...


Excellent advice. Though 'dating' your spouse may seem strange, it can do wonders. It is too easy, nearly inevitable, that we forget who we were when we fell in love (fun, happy, creative, etc). Busy lives, frustration, careless words and actions can pile up over time, and before you know it, they form a huge wall between us. 
The tension and pain leads us to become adversaries instead of team mates.
Creating positive situations helps to heal the scars and get the relationship heading in the right direction.
For any type of relationship to work, BOTH PARTNERS need to humble themselves, admit their own mistakes, and forgive their mates.
If either is unwilling to do this unconditionally, the marriage is already dead.


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## madcapzany (Feb 20, 2014)

U.E. McGill said:


> I call bullshît. Everyman or woman who doesn't get what they want because they just sit there and let someone "hit it and quit it" get what they deserve. Your orgasm is your responsibility. If you let someone "use" you and then don't ask for yours that's your fault!!!
> 
> My wife was famous for running around like a chicken with her head cut off. Then she'd get all huffy with me. "Can't you see I'm going crazy!?! How can you let me just work like that? Don't you see I'm busy?"
> 
> ...


It sounds like you overcame all your marraige woes with a simple expletive. Bravo. 
However, most of my post was not about orgasm. The bulk of the post, including that one simple example, was about thoughtless / careless treatment and disrespect, and their effect on a relationship. (Which goes both ways, obviously) 
It is interesting that you only focused on that one example, the 'un-asked for' orgasm, and did not address any other aspect. 
Concerning the 'ask for what you need', it is great advice and both parties should work on it. That is a basic rule in any relationship, but obviously most people just don't, or can't, do it. 
Women in general are (or, traditionally have been) raised to subdue their own wants and needs, not just in favor of their husbands, but also to 'make nice' with others. Women are taught to be sweet, quiet, pleasant, and put their own needs on the back burner,.but living that way breeds resentment.
If you noticed your wife 'running around like a chicken with her head cut off', then obviously you did know she was distressed, and did not ask what you could do to help. THAT is exactly why people (both sexes) get hurt and angry. If you know that your mate (friend, family member, etc) is in need, running around like the proverbial chicken, why in the world would you not do anything you could to help? 
How is it better for the relationship to just sit back and watch them until the inevitable explosion, and then blame them for not telling you what you have known the whole time?
Yes, it would be wonderful if people would just tell us what they need at all times. The fact is, male or female, it very often does not happen. Men are taught that they must be strong and self sufficient, and women to be nice and quiet. Not all, of course, but at any rate, we all have 'stuff' that preconditions us to act in certain, often non-productive ways.
Blaming either mate for not asking for help does no good. If you sense distress and do not address it, it is certainly as much your fault as the other persons'.
Both people MUST take responsibility for where their relationship stands if they want it to improve. Blaming one for not asking for help, blaming the other for not offering help...nothing along those lines will ever help anyone.
If the point is to heal, then someone has to be the grownup and start/keep the ball rolling. Relationships are difficult to keep healthy.
If you wish to heal it, there will be much effort. 
If you don't believe it is worth the effort, get out of it and let your mate seek happiness elsewhare as well. 
Those who say they are staying because of the children, yet aren't doing their absolute best to heal the marraige are showing their children that it is normal to be in a bad relationship. 
Best of luck to all...we all have lots of work to do.


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## madcapzany (Feb 20, 2014)

ocotillo said:


> -Could not disagree more with your second clause. Often it is simply hormonal.


I agree that can definitely be a factor. 
I do not believe it to be so in the majority of instances, but hormanal issues definitely come into play in many situations. 
If that is, indeed, a factor, consulting with a trusted doc should be high on the to do list. 
These days there is a good bit of help available for hormonal problems and many women have found that hormonal therapy can turn things around. It sure is worth a shot, anyway!:smthumbup:


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

madcapzany said:


> I agree that can definitely be a factor.
> I do not believe it to be so in the majority of instances, but hormanal issues definitely come into play in many situations.
> If that is, indeed, a factor, consulting with a trusted doc should be high on the to do list.
> These days there is a good bit of help available for hormonal problems and many women have found that hormonal therapy can turn things around. It sure is worth a shot, anyway!:smthumbup:



I appreciate your comment, but what I had in mind was a little more subtle than a measurable deficiency that can be treated with therapy.

My wife and I had a happy, active sex life for around 9 1/2 years while we both worked on our educations, built our careers and just generally had a good time.

That came to a screeching, full stop a few weeks after the first child was conceived and she went off into an emotional La-La land where I was no longer necessary. 

I'm of the opinion that there was a shift in hormone balance rather than an actual deficiency and it had a striking effect on her behavior. 

Things did not go back to normal with a baby to take care of, they actually got worse and it's not because I wasn't doing my share. I actually took a one year sabbatical at one point so she could finish an advanced degree. 

Fast forward the clock through 25+ years of virtual sexlessness sprinkled with dry spells of 14 months and more and her rock steady cycle starts to falter. 

Suddenly things changed. Now she's the one having trouble concentrating at work, struggling with inappropriate thoughts about attractive workmates and plagued by an insomnia that only sex will cure. Her libido blew through the roof. What changed? Nothing except her hormone balance. Estrogen and testosterone are similar chemically, and ovaries can actually shift more towards the latter of the two as they're winding down.

My tale of woe here is a very, very, very common one that many men will tell you. The happy ending we've experienced later in life is far more unusual. 

Don't take this as overly critical, but your fourth post here sounds like an attempt to make these situations somebody's fault and assign blame.

I think plenty of times it's nobody's fault.


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## pinotnoir (Jul 13, 2013)

Are you married to my wife? No...wait...I don't get birthday sex...nevermind.


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## madcapzany (Feb 20, 2014)

ocotillo said:


> I appreciate your comment, but what I had in mind was a little more subtle than a measurable deficiency that can be treated with therapy.
> 
> My wife and I had a happy, active sex life for around 9 1/2 years while we both worked on our educations, built our careers and just generally had a good time.
> 
> ...


I absolutely agree with you. Hormonal shifts also have an effect on brain chemistry. Together or seperately, those issues can be libido killers, among other, much more dangerous things.
I also believe that an excellent ( read; nearly impossible to find) physician can address those issues and help to create a positive outcome. 
It just plain stinks that you guys went through all that time with no relief from the problems.
It is a fairly common occurrance that women have major hormone fluctuations all during and after childbirth...there is a lot going on there...sometimes just too much to deal with, along with a new baby, the inevitable shock of being parents, no sleep, no privacy...the list goes on, as you know. 
It seems just as grueling trying to find a competent doc these days as it ever was, but, luckily there are much more advanced testing and treatments available for new parents (or any situation that has the hormones going nuts). 
Hopefully people that find themselves in similar situations now will seek and find solutions...so that they don't have to suffer the same distress as you did.
I'm sorry you both had to pass through so many years with this struggle, and glad to hear the libido is once again on the uptick! 
Remember, too, that this particular upswing has been prompted by hormones as well, and is temporary...keep in mind that if you begin to have issues again, there is now the option of much more accurate hormonal therapy.
It may take some time to find the right doc, but they are out there.
In the meantime, what are you doing on the computer, man? Go get your wife and get busy!


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## madcapzany (Feb 20, 2014)

ocotillo said:


> I appreciate your comment, but what I had in mind was a little more subtle than a measurable deficiency that can be treated with therapy.
> 
> My wife and I had a happy, active sex life for around 9 1/2 years while we both worked on our educations, built our careers and just generally had a good time.
> 
> ...


Oops! Sorry, I did not mean to ignore the rest of your post...the 'blame' that you felt from my response actually was a response to the comment about seeing the wife in such distress and not responding. 
It seems to me that when we see a friend or loved one in distress, we nearly always ask what we can do to help, as opposed to observing, and waiting till the distressed party blows up, then yelling at them that it is their fault, and that they must ask for help if they need it.
My question, then, was really about why anyone would do that, instead of simply offering to help. It is a different way of thinking, and although I know it is important to ask for help when we need it...the fact is, not everyone is good at it.
Whether our partner (friend, loved one, etc) asks or not, I believe that if we are valuing that person, and we see their distress, our response should be loving and helpful. Observing without responding (except to yell at them to ask for help when they need it) seems disrespectful, unloving, and selfish.
In so many cases we are kinder to strangers than we are to our beloved. I have done this myself. We tend to take our partners for granted, and it becomes less 'what can i do to help you?' and more 'what have you done for me?' as time goes on. More a win-lose struggle than the teamwork that came before all the struggle began.
It doesn't have to be like that, but it takes a lot of patience and understanding to stay as a team, and sometimes the win-lose becomes such a pattern that it seems more natural than the team, like the team never existed at all.
So many of these posts talk about hating the spouse, or sick of the spouse, etc...but these are the same folks that fell in love with the person they now hate. 
It seems sometimes like leaving the marriage is the easiest solution...but if attention had been paid early on to each others problems, and a pattern of continuing mutual support was established and nurtured, just about anything could have been overcome. 
There is no reason, if both partners are willing, that the relationship cannot be repaired.
It is all about respect, love(as a verb), patience, and time.
Its not easy...but it is simple.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

pinotnoir said:


> Are you married to my wife? No...wait...I don't get birthday sex...nevermind.


I am so sorry for you....


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