# My wife had an affair



## notted

It's hard to even say.. I found a screenshot on her iPad in september, and she said it was from a friend and I believed her. Then something else popped up last week and I brought it up again and even contacted the friend who verified it wasnt her. Friday I spoke to my wife while I was at work, and she again said no. We had a great weekend, although I was very suspicious.. we made love 3/4 times from friday to sunday.. well Monday 1st I sent her an email and said "thanks for your understanding with me .. blahblah" this made her feel guitly as hell I believe. So it was just eating at me it all didn't make sense, so I came home went to the gym and got home at 9ish she was asleep. I went through the ipad again and found more stuff. and I sent it to her, she came down around midnight and it all came out. I had to call out of work yesterday I'm devastated to say the least... She started chatting with this guy it grew, she went to NC to run a marathon (march) and they spent 2 days together it evidently was the only time. 
I love my wife so very very much, and I'm in love with her. We've been together 15 years and married 13.. THere's so much more but this is just start.. 
I'm going to try and work it out, she says she loves me, she broke it off because she said it wasn't right. I want to believe her.. right now we are both off for veterans day and spent time today breakfast and shopping. I'm sick over this and totally 1000% devastated.


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## Dude007

OK, breathe and think for just a second(ie Igore the Hysterical Bonding Feelings). Is there any advantage to getting out of your marriage? You can usually get a great settlement if you play your cards right. I've seen BS reconcile only to later wish they used the leverage while they had it!!!! DUDE


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## tom67

Slow down and read this... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html
Sorry you are here.


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## Marduk

There will be more, man. 

I'm so sorry. 

Reconciliation begins with accountability and coming clean. 

There's always more than gets admitted at first. Just be ready.


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## notted

We have kids and frankly I just love my wife too damn much it didn't take this but I knew.. I resented some of the crap she pulled, hell I've been 2nd fiddle for a while now. I'm hoping things will get better. We are going to goto counseling and try to move forward. I never thought I'd do this, my ex-wife cheated on me too and that was it divorce. THis is different, I'm in love with her and man this really sucks.


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## convert

Is she still going to these race events?
if so, I hope you are going with her.

has she sent a no contact letter/email to OM (other male)?

is OM married?

One thing that may help is some *exposure* it helps keep the affair dead. sometime these affair will start back up quickly.

exposure should at least include:
OM's wife/girlfriend
your parents
her parents.
exposure is not done to be vindictive but to help ensure the affair stays dead (no guarantees)
and it give you some support.


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## MountainRunner

I'm assuming you both are considering reconciliation as you mentioned counseling for the two of you. With that being said, what demands have you placed on her regarding terminating the affair and reconciling if I may ask?


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## convert

and what ever you do ,do NOT RUG SWEEP this affair


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## notted

It's been over since at least may... as she said she was hoping it would never be discovered. 
I told her all the bs apps on her phone all contact with that world is over now... if she plans on making this work I expect nothing short of everything she has. She has stopped all contact for months now, in fact the screenshot I found was from may where she didn't want to talk to him. 

I'm not rug sweeping it, I can't I'm rock bottom. I'm sleeping in my sons room and I'm struggling to look at her without tearing up. Anger, sadness, total rock bottom.. feel like a fool, totally deceived.


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## Dude007

notted said:


> We have kids and frankly I just love my wife too damn much it didn't take this but I knew.. I resented some of the crap she pulled, hell I've been 2nd fiddle for a while now. I'm hoping things will get better. We are going to goto counseling and try to move forward. I never thought I'd do this, my ex-wife cheated on me too and that was it divorce. THis is different, I'm in love with her and man this really sucks.


GET TESTED FOR STDs!


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## GusPolinski

Sooo... she ended it months ago, hasn't spoken w/ the guy at all, wants nothing at all to do w/ him... and yet she's still hanging on to pics, screenshots, etc ...?

Do you see the disconnect there?


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## Acoa

notted said:


> I'm not rug sweeping it, I can't I'm rock bottom. I'm sleeping in my sons room and I'm struggling to look at her without tearing up. Anger, sadness, total rock bottom.. feel like a fool, totally deceived.


Get away for a while, or send her away. At least a week, no contact and clear your head. Go fishing with a buddy, visit your parents or relative who you respect. 

If she asks why you need this, just tell her that you need some space to sort out what you are feeling, and you can't do that with her stirring up new feelings every time you see her or talk to her. 

Then figure out what you need. Get some sleep, eat healthy and get your head clear. It's not easy, but critical that you prepare yourself. Either choice you make right now, divorce or reconcile are both mentally exhausting. And making no choice is a choice, just not a good one.


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## cdbaker

Well, the OP can probably clear it up, but I'm guessing she didn't realize she was saving the pics/screenshots. I can't imagine that's something she'd want to hold onto, especially if it's just screenshots of conversations and such. I bet she accidentally captured them somehow and didn't realize they were still there, or didn't know how to delete them, or who knows.


In any case... don't rug sweep, but don't react too rashly either. You need access to everything she has, the whole truth, and you might even want to contact the other man or his wife (if he's married). Then marriage counseling. Just don't give in to her tears or begging too quickly, if that's what she's doing.


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## GusPolinski

@notted, it's time to start checking phone records. In fact, check her e-mail, PC, tablet, Facebook, Instagram, etc... anything and everything that you can get your hands on. Verify that what she's telling you is the truth.

Also, the other guy... find out everything that you can about him as well. Your wife should be very forthcoming in this regard; if she's not, that should tell you all that you need to know w/ respect to how remorseful she is for her actions.

Is this other guy married? If so, his wife needs to know about his involvement w/ your wife ASAP.


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## notted

She's giving me space even though we're int he house, she wants to work it out she said she'd never do it again (heard that before i bet) and she said she felt wrong when she did it. I'm hoping this works out, I love this woman and I'm devastated.. I'm no angel but I never cheated and I'd feel wrong if someone flirted with me.


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## samyeagar

notted said:


> She's giving me space even though we're int he house, she wants to work it out she said she'd never do it again (heard that before i bet) and she said* she felt wrong when she did it*. I'm hoping this works out, I love this woman and I'm devastated.. I'm no angel but I never cheated and I'd feel wrong if someone flirted with me.


But not wrong enough to stop. Not in love with you enough to stop. Not caring about the kids enough to stop. Get the picture?


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## Dude007

samyeagar said:


> But not wrong enough to stop. Not in love with you enough to stop. Not caring about the kids enough to stop. Get the picture?


Worse than that, SHE KNEW HE ENDED HIS FIRST MARRIAGE BECAUSE THE EX CHEATED!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Truthseeker1

notted said:


> It's hard to even say.. I found a screenshot on her iPad in september, and she said it was from a friend and I believed her. Then something else popped up last week and I brought it up again and even contacted the friend who verified it wasnt her. Friday I spoke to my wife while I was at work, and she again said no. We had a great weekend, although I was very suspicious.. we made love 3/4 times from friday to sunday.. well Monday 1st I sent her an email and said "thanks for your understanding with me .. blahblah" this made her feel guitly as hell I believe. So it was just eating at me it all didn't make sense, so I came home went to the gym and got home at 9ish she was asleep. I went through the ipad again and found more stuff. and I sent it to her, she came down around midnight and it all came out. I had to call out of work yesterday I'm devastated to say the least... She started chatting with this guy it grew, she went to NC to run a marathon (march) and they spent 2 days together it evidently was the only time.
> I love my wife so very very much, and I'm in love with her. We've been together 15 years and married 13.. THere's so much more but this is just start..
> I'm going to try and work it out, she says she loves me, she broke it off because she said it wasn't right. I want to believe her.. right now we are both off for veterans day and spent time today breakfast and shopping. I'm sick over this and totally 1000% devastated.


You don't have the full story yet----she is in CYA mode...first off you need individual counseling to figure out what you want and why you pick cheaters for wives....that is the first order of business...if you decide to R or D you need to do so from a place of strength nor fear or weakness..you say you love her now but as the magnitude of what she did sets in your respect for her will be diminished and there is no true love without respect...

Also are you sure this is her first affair? You need to have her take a polygraph and DNA test your kids for good measure...if you plan to stay then you need to know the absolute truth...if you rug sweep this your are voluntarily giving yourself a life sentence in hell...she has to feel the consequences for her infidelity - her crocodile tears after getting caught don't matter....its time she pays the piper....

My money is on that their affair went MUCH deeper and went on a lot longer - rule of thumb whatever a cheater tell you is probably a lie...thats what cheaters do - lie


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## Thor

Moving forward via MC is a good idea. But, separate from that is processing the infidelity. Two separate processes which are both necessary to recover.

Whatever imperfections you have as a husband are in no way responsible for her cheating. Really be sure you understand that. She could have talked to you, whacked you over the head and told you to get your act together, demanded you go to MC with her, or just divorced you due to whatever you've done wrong in the marriage. Her choice to cheat was not a valid answer to your weaknesses or errors in the relationship.

So don't let a therapist try to put any blame on you.

In MC you can work on things which will build a new strong relationship. That is good to do!

But then there needs to be exploration on why she let herself go down that road of infidelity. It was not a simple moment of drunken weakness (which would be bad enough), it was a series of decisions to proceed on the road of infidelity. She has to own her decisions and actions. She has to communicate to you that she understands what she did and why. She needs to be fully honest about everything you ask her, and she needs to volunteer everything which could possibly be relevant about the affair even if she thinks you might never find out those details on your own. She has to apologize profusely and ask forgiveness. Don't let her skate on this either!

Many MCs will gloss over the infidelity and proceed right to the relationship building process. That would be rug sweeping, and that will be deadly to your marriage in the long run.


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## jsmart

Why are sleeping in guess room? You sleep in your bed and have her sleep in guess room/sofa. I know you want to secure this out of fear of another divorce and more importantly the kids stability. The problem is that you can't be the only one making the sacrifices. It will require a truly remorseful wife that is fighting for the family and your forgiveness.

You can't rug sweep this. If you read through the threads here, you'll see the trend. TRICKLE TRUTH. "We did it only 1 time and I didn't enjoy it" becomes, they were doing it each opportunity they met and she performed acts that you were turned down for. 

You really must go 007 and dig all sources. In order to forgive, you really need to know what you're forgiving.


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## Truthseeker1

jsmart said:


> Why are sleeping in guess room? You sleep in your bed and have her sleep in guess room/sofa. I know you want to secure this out of fear of another divorce and more importantly the kids stability. The problem is that you can be the only one making the sacrifices. It will require a truly remorseful wife that is fight for the family and your forgiveness.
> 
> You can't rug sweep this. If you read through the threads here, you'll see the trend. TRICKLE TRUTH. *"We did it only 1 time and I didn't enjoy it" *becomes, they were doing it each opportunity they met and she performed acts that you were turned down for. You really must go 007 and dig all sources. In order to forgive, you really need to know what you're forgiving.


There is no way this was a one time deal and you are right her a** should be sleeping somewhere else...the more I read stories like this the more I think more waywards need to experience the sting of infidelity to finally get it...


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## zzzman99

First and foremost, begin to take back your self respect. You get the bed and she has to sleep in another room. She is the one who is wrong, not you. Quite giving her a free ride.


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## notted

I've gone through the emails, and stuff on her ipad, I'm going to request her phone next. I didn't ask if he was married.. She has seperated herself from the communicating she was having, she was using an app called "Line". I had seen some pop up messages from a chatroom she was in and it raised my eyebrow last thursday and rekindled my push about the screen shot. 

She is saying all the right stuff.. it's been 2 days now, and it's going to take longer.





GusPolinski said:


> @notted, it's time to start checking phone records. In fact, check her e-mail, PC, tablet, Facebook, Instagram, etc... anything and everything that you can get your hands on. Verify that what she's telling you is the truth.
> 
> Also, the other guy... find out everything that you can about him as well. Your wife should be very forthcoming in this regard; if she's not, that should tell you all that you need to know w/ respect to how remorseful she is for her actions.
> 
> Is this other guy married? If so, his wife needs to know about his involvement w/ your wife ASAP.


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## notted

zzzman99 said:


> First and foremost, begin to take back your self respect. You get the bed and she has to sleep in another room. She is the one who is wrong, not you. Quite giving her a free ride.


She wants me in our bed, my sons in there most of the time anyways I don't mind it but I understand what your saying..


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## GusPolinski

notted said:


> I've gone through the emails, and stuff on her ipad, I'm going to request her phone next. I didn't ask if he was married.. She has seperated herself from the communicating she was having, she was using an app called "Line". I had seen some pop up messages from a chatroom she was in and it raised my eyebrow last thursday and rekindled my push about the screen shot.
> 
> She is saying all the right stuff.. it's been 2 days now, and it's going to take longer.


What kind of phone does she use?


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## Dude007

Truthseeker1 said:


> .the more I read stories like this the more I think more waywards need to experience the sting of infidelity to finally get it...


You mean like a tactically place REVENGE AFFAIR??!! :smile2: NAH!! Who in their right mind would do that...DUDE


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## notted

GusPolinski said:


> What kind of phone does she use?


Iphone 6 just went through the ipad again.. nothing.



Dude007 said:


> You mean like a tactically place REVENGE AFFAIR??!! :smile2: NAH!! Who in their right mind would do that...DUDE


I wish I could... I really wish I could hurt her back let her feel how ****ty I feel right now.


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## notted

Im' going to train tonight, I'm going to put my full attention back on my jiu jitsu, plus choking people and arm locking people is fun


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## jld

You could just divorce. Then, if you both wanted to, you could decide to reconcile.


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## Dude007

notted said:


> Iphone 6 just went through the ipad again.. nothing.
> 
> 
> 
> I wish I could... I really wish I could hurt her back let her feel how ****ty I feel right now.


The thing about the RA, you would have to do it with someone who knew it was just revenge. Maybe a single female friend who would be willing? You'd need to do it in the marital bed and leave evidence like a used condom. DUDE


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## jsmart

notted said:


> I've gone through the emails, and stuff on her ipad, I'm going to request her phone next. I didn't ask if he was married.. She has seperated herself from the communicating she was having, *she was using an app called "Line"*. I had seen some *pop up messages from a chatroom *she was in and it raised my eyebrow last thursday and rekindled my push about the screen shot.
> 
> She is saying all the right stuff.. it's been 2 days now, and it's going to take longer.


You need access to EVERYTHING. Phone, email, social media, and login to that chatroom. Do this quickly before she deletes everything. Look at deleted folder and sent items. Get a VAR in her car. 

Also get the info on POS and find out independently if he's married or has a steady girlfriend. Don't take your wife's word. If he is, expose to his wife, so that he has his hands too full with an angry wife, that he won't pursue you wife. Don't tell wife that your exposing.


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## jld

Dude007 said:


> The thing about the RA, you would have to do it with someone who knew it was just revenge. Maybe a single female friend who would be willing? You'd need to do it in the marital bed and leave evidence like a used condom. DUDE


Then his son would be disappointed in _both_ of his parents.


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## GusPolinski

notted said:


> Iphone 6 just went through the ipad again.. nothing.
> 
> I wish I could... I really wish I could hurt her back let her feel how ****ty I feel right now.


Purchase a copy of either Wondershare Dr. Fone or iPhone Backup Extractor and then use it to run data recovery against her iPhone and iPad. Both apps will recover deleted texts, pics, videos, etc up to a certain point, and each of them offers support for certain 3rd-party apps like WhatsApp, SnapChat, etc. Line may or may not be included in either list, but iPBE will capture pretty much everything that is available on either device... it just may not natively parse it. Still, you should be able to render pretty much anything into a readable format w/ a bit of study.

If you want, tell her beforehand that you're going to do this, and watch her reaction -- it should tell you pretty much everything that you need to know.


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## Dude007

Maybe, maybe not. Most humans understand the need for revenge.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld

I doubt his son will feel that way about his mother.

Think hard before you consider an RA, notted. You are likely to lose your moral authority in the eyes of your son. He _will_ find out someday.

Why not just divorce?


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## Dude007

Yeah I really don't recommend an RA. They are hard to pull off anyway just logistically speaking. I think you will most likely divorce. You divorced last time so why would this time be different? Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Florida_rosbif

You have my commiserations man. Hurts like a bastard doesn't it? Prepare yourself for insomnia and weight loss, if my experience is anything to go by.

I am wrestling with the same dilemma as you, damage limitation for the kids. Seems that our wives didn't think about the potential consequences for the family units when they were having fun - that's one of the aspects that keeps me coming back to the "How could you do that to us?" question, which is completely rhetorical and useless.

Hang in there and I hope it works out for your marriage. At least the evidence so far shows that you wife finished this of her own accord and feels bad about it - my wife's pride wouldn't let her admit to remorse for 7 weeks after DDay. As she said, " How can 
I regret something that felt so good?". An affair seems to affect them like high end drugs, but that doesn't help the pain of the betrayed partner.


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## F-102

While there is every chance that she has been forthcoming and honest with you about the affair, you really should go under the assumption that she is hiding more, much MUCH MORE than she is telling you. She may be "trickle truthing" you, just giving you little bits and pieces of the whole story, hoping that the next tidbit that she gives you is the one where you're finally satisfied, and then get the hell off of her case. It is my, and just about everyone else's, sad experience here that when you catch someone in a compromising position, that they are not interested in confessing the truth... they are only interested in damage control. It's sort of like those cop shows: when the arresting officer searches the suspect's pockets or car, and they find illegal drugs, do the suspects say things like "Yes officer, that is mine and I accept full legal responsibility for it"...? Of course not! They start saying things like: "Oh, I don't know how that got there" or "That's not mine...I SWEAR!"

So again, for the time being, go under the assumption that she has NOT told you everything!


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## badmemory

notted said:


> I'm not rug sweeping it, I can't I'm rock bottom..


OP, you may believe you're not rugsweeping; but you need to understand what rugsweeping is. Most newly betrayed spouses don't understand - because they've never had to go through this. I was one them.

Basically rugsweeping is a failure of the BS to give the WS all due consequences for cheating, and committing to R before she accepts each and everyone of them. 

Those consequences would include: 

- You expose her to friends, family, and the OM's wife or SO. She accepts it.

- She agrees to take an STD test. Don't have sex with her before you get the results.

- She provides truthful details of anything you want to know about the A, to include a timeline.

- She sends the OM a written no-contact letter that you read and approve of. No sentiments.

- She becomes completely transparent with all her communication devices.

- She accounts for all of her time away from you.

- She accepts new marital boundaries - No GNO's, no male friends - to include social media.

- She demonstrates consistent, unconditional remorse.

- She accepts a reasonable period; for you to consider whether you want to stay married. That period should not be less than two weeks. She needs to feel what it's like to lose her husband for cheating. Immediate agreement to R is the wrong thing to do.

If she doesn't agree to all of these; and you do anything less than start divorce proceedings - then to some or a full degree, you have rugswept; and if you attempt to R, you will have future regret for not serving them up initially.

WS's have to receive and accept consequences for what they've done; to help you heal, to demonstrate their remorse, and to reduce the likelihood of them cheating on you again.

Sorry you're here.


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## MattMatt

notted said:


> Iphone 6 just went through the ipad again.. nothing.
> 
> 
> 
> I wish I could... I really wish I could hurt her back let her feel how ****ty I feel right now.


*Please don't*. Here's a clue from someone who had a revenge affair. My revenge affair hurt me more than my wife's affair did.


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## MattMatt

jld said:


> I doubt his son will feel that way about his mother.
> 
> Think hard before you consider an RA, notted. You are likely to lose your moral authority in the eyes of your son. He _will_ find out someday.
> 
> Why not just divorce?


Because he only wants to hurt his wife because he still loves her.


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## notted

I couldn't do an RA...I f*kn angry I am at her I love her enough to not want her to feel this way. She's told me how ashamed she is and how she feels horrible because she knows she has an amazing husband and family.


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## Truthseeker1

notted said:


> I couldn't do an RA...I f*kn angry I am at her I love her enough to not want her to feel this way. She's told me how ashamed she is and how she feels horrible because *she knows she has an amazing husband and family*.


But that didnt stop her form cheating did it? And she knew you had been cheated on before...and still cheated on you..what does that say about her?


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## Sports Fan

Notted i am truly sorry you are going through this.

However for true reconciliation to occur she must experience consequences come from you.

She must hand up all passwords to devices, Phones, Laptop, Email, Facebook, etc.

She needs to give you full and transparent whereabouts for her at all times. She needs to answer your calls and not have any time lapses where she is uncontactable or time unaccounted for. 

Friends of the opposite sex just became a thing of the past. You get where this is going.

Unless she experiences the above chances are it will happen again cause no consequences were imposed the first time that this kind of behavour wont be tolerated.

Its not just me saying this hundreds of stories here prove it.

I wish you all the best.


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## Truthseeker1

Sports Fan said:


> Notted i am truly sorry you are going through this.
> 
> However for true reconciliation to occur she must experience consequences come from you.
> 
> She must hand up all passwords to devices, Phones, Laptop, Email, Facebook, etc.
> 
> She needs to give you full and transparent whereabouts for her at all times. She needs to answer your calls and not have any time lapses where she is uncontactable or time unaccounted for.
> 
> Friends of the opposite sex just became a thing of the past. You get where this is going.
> 
> Unless she experiences the above chances are it will happen again cause no consequences were imposed the first time that this kind of behavour wont be tolerated.
> 
> Its not just me saying this hundreds of stories here prove it.
> 
> I wish you all the best.


Also does the OM have a wife? You need to inform her what happened....No one gets away free..


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## Marc878

notted said:


> We have kids and frankly I just love my wife too damn much it didn't take this but I knew.. I resented some of the crap she pulled, hell I've been 2nd fiddle for a while now. I'm hoping things will get better. We are going to goto counseling and try to move forward. I never thought I'd do this, my ex-wife cheated on me too and that was it divorce. THis is different, I'm in love with her and man this really sucks.


The reality is you are in love with who you thought she was.

Wait till the rest of the story comes out. Unless you don't want to know.

Living in limbo is hell. Sorry man


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## Marc878

You both need tested for STD's


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## Forest

Even with the scant details we have, I'm hoping that your case is one that is "less typical". By that, I mean that it appears the affair was very limited, you wife realized it was wrong, and ended it on her own. More often, the stories that run thru these pages involve spouses that engage in this horrible activity until they are caught. 

You must keep a wary eye out, though. The overriding truth is that *cheaters are liars*. It is just a fact. Cheaters are *selfish*. Another fact. When you couple the two, bad things can be the outcome. Most people, especially cheaters find it hard to admit fault, and accept responsibility. It is human nature to try and escape blame. "Blame shifting", we call it. The sick part is that as a betrayed spouse, you may be hesitant to accept that the person you chose as your partner could do something so terrible to you. It will be hard to understand why.

So, you may look for ways you might have failed, things you may have done, or failed to do. Right there is where you have to *STOP COLD* for a few minutes. Sure, no one is perfect, etc. This is adultery we are talking about. The is *no excuse* for it. None whatsoever. Nothing you did or did not do will make adultery an option.

My point is, be ready for the possibility of some type of rationalization. "My needs", "I felt...(insert excuse)", "more attention", "compliments", "charming", "exciting"....All are key/code words for rationalizing something complete irrational, immoral, hateful, and disgusting.

This is a situation that requires unconditional acceptance or responsibility and unquestioning acceptance of consequences.


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## Truthseeker1

Marc878 said:


> The reality is you are in love with who you thought she was.
> 
> Wait till the rest of the story comes out. Unless you don't want to know.
> 
> Living in limbo is hell. Sorry man


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

According to her she has an awesome husband and family - a husband she knew had been cheated on and knew how it devastated him - but she still went and set up along distance affair - at LEAST one time that we know about - my hunch is there are way more escapades she has not accounted for...this is only the teeny tip of the ice berg....
@notted I understand you love your wife right now - but part of that is the fear of losing your family and going through another divorce but the fact of the matter is she knew you were wounded from infidelity and wounded you again - she went out of her way to do it as well - it did not just happen - she went and met the guy to screw - think about that - she actually traveled to cheat on you....

Whether you R or D -you need ALL the facts and you do not have them yet - not by a long shot...if you cling to your wife and the marriage you only empower her to do it again - she needs to feel the consequences for her actions...

First - access to all her emails, social media, everything
Second - If the OM has a wife she MUST be informed, if there are more OM - their wives must be informed also
Third find a good INDIVIDUAL counselor - do not commit to anything until this is all sorted out
Fourth She has to take a polygraph and answer your questions, write out a timeline of the affair and answer any and all of your questions as many times as you ask them
Fifth DNA test your kids just to be sure they are actually yours...

She needs to know this is serious and you are serious...good luck


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## bryanp

Wait a second. If the roles were reversed and you flew off for the weekend to have sex with another woman for a couple of nights behind her back, not telling her, putting her health at risk for STD's and lying to her face while never having any intention of ever telling her, how would she react? Would she be so accepting and forgiving as you?

I have a hunch that you are one of the nice guys. Your wife knew that even if you caught her you would end up forgiving her anyway so why not have sex with another man for a couple of nights behind your back and continued to put your health at risk for STD's by not telling you so you could even be tested and and be able to protect yourself.

You judge a person by their actions and not by their words. Your wife knew exactly what she was doing and betrayed, disrespected and humiliated you in the worst possible way. Get tested for STD's and see a lawyer just to understand your options.

IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL SINCE YOUR WIFE CLEARLY DOES NOT. It sounds like she was very very sorry.....for being caught.


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## Hardtohandle

notted said:


> I couldn't do an RA...I f*kn angry I am at her I love her enough to not want her to feel this way. She's told me how ashamed she is and how she feels horrible because she knows she has an amazing husband and family.


Are you this fvcking stupid ? Please don't be.. You should look up rug sweeping because you are doing it in your own way.. 

I can show you the card my EX WIFE wrote me after I caught her the FIRST TIME.. *"You're the best thing that ever happen to me, I will spend the rest of my life showing you I deserve you..Blah..Blah..Blah"* 

When she was leaving I was going to give her that letter. To remind her what she told me the FIRST TIME and to remind her this was the 4th time.. But it sort of seemed a moot point atm.. Several months later I refound that card and thought how sappy and stupid I was for even thinking like that back then.. I was so glad I didn't give it to her as I am sure she would have laughed or smirked at it.

Oddly enough I gave her a post here about a woman that lost everything and wanted to come back to her husband and then found out it was too late.. She actually fvcking chuckled at it to my face.. 

How funny is it today she lost everything along with the kids and is paying me child support..

All fvcking bullsh!t.. 

You think she was thinking what a great guy you were and what a great family she had when she was fvcking and sucking him ?

Please don't be this fvcking idiot.. I was.. I accept it.. But please you have to be much harder then you are now.. 

First off as already said.. YOU should be in the bed and she should be on the fvcking couch.. 

She should be telling you EVERYTHING you want to know.. First name, Last name.. DOB.. SS#, phone number, Address, Email address.. ETC.... 

You must look into everything so you can verify her last time of contact is true.. 

BUT TRUST ME... .Expect the worst and hope for the best.. It will be utterly mind and heart crushing when you see your wife telling this man how much she loved his c0ck or how good it tasted.. 

I am tell you.... YOU better be fvcking ready for this.. Because it is utterly going to mind fvck you forever and a day..

Your *"LOVE"* for her is shining through all the fake hard a$$ bullsh!t you are trying to do.. So she just knows just to play it off and minimize it all.. 

She needs to feel like she is hanging off a cliff and YOU are her only hope of survival.. Anything short of that and you will utterly fail and she will do this again.. 

She needs to remember what happened the first time she did this.. She needs to say, *"Holy Sh!t, I don't want to cross this guy again because I know what he did the first time and it just isn't worth it"* 

Otherwise trust me they just get better at it.. 

The hardest thing about suicide is doing it.. That is the BIGGEST hesitation someone has when truly looking to do it.. The initial act of hurting themselves.. 

BUT after that first time, if they survive.. Guess what ?... They are NO LONGER AFRAID of cutting themselves or doing it.. Because they already did that the FIRST TIME AROUND... 

Well if you haven't figured it out.. It is the same for cheating.. 

Understand this is marriage cancer and you need to treat it as such.. You need to make it crystal clear to your wife that this sh!t is no good in the most aggressive of ways.. 

She needs to be begging for you NOT to end this.. 

You need to tell everyone in your and her family what she did.. She needs to have no place to turn to.. She needs to know public shame.. She needs to know that this is WRONG by society terms as well.. 

Otherwise trust me the sting of this is much less and becomes minimized later on.. 

The first time with my EX wife I blew her up all over the place.. EVERYONE knew.. She was begging for forgiveness as I verbally assaulted her.. 

For some reason the other times I was like you.. It sort of worked but as you can see the severity wore off much faster the few other times.. Until the last time.. The last time made me emotionally scarred in such a way that I know I will never be fixed.. I just have too much PTSD over it.. I understand it and accept it and try to deal with it.. The GF understands and copes with it as well. I just have very little trust and faith in women now.. Mind you I trust, it just isn't the utter blind trust I had in the past.. Any time her cell phone rings I get suspicious even if I don't say it.. She knows.. 

Good luck.. Keep posting.. 

Please Wake the Fvck up a bit about this situation..


----------



## Dude007

Think of having the strength to pull off an immediate RA, that's ****ing ballsy beyond belief to a wayward. I'm talking a real RA, hangin out in restaurants, flaunting the AP in front of friends and family, bangin in marital bed. meanwhile WS is like, "how can u do this?!" Just sit back and watch ws!! I'm that badass and feel my wrath..dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## nursejackie

Ugh!! so sorry you're here.


----------



## jsmart

Hardtohandle said:


> Are you this fvcking stupid ? Please don't be.. You should look up rug sweeping because you are doing it in your own way..
> 
> I can show you the card my EX WIFE wrote me after I caught her the FIRST TIME.. *"You're the best thing that ever happen to me, I will spend the rest of my life showing you I deserve you..Blah..Blah..Blah"*
> 
> When she was leaving I was going to give her that letter. To remind her what she told me the FIRST TIME and to remind her this was the 4th time.. But it sort of seemed a moot point atm.. Several months later I refound that card and thought how sappy and stupid I was for even thinking like that back then.. I was so glad I didn't give it to her as I am sure she would have laughed or smirked at it.
> 
> Oddly enough I gave her a post here about a woman that lost everything and wanted to come back to her husband and then found out it was too late.. She actually fvcking chuckled at it to my face..
> 
> How funny is it today she lost everything along with the kids and is paying me child support..
> 
> All fvcking bullsh!t..
> 
> *You think she was thinking what a great guy you were and what a great family she had when she was fvcking and sucking him *?
> 
> Please don't be this fvcking idiot.. I was.. I accept it.. But please you have to be much harder then you are now..
> 
> First off as already said.. YOU should be in the bed and she should be on the fvcking couch..
> 
> She should be telling you EVERYTHING you want to know.. First name, Last name.. DOB.. SS#, phone number, Address, Email address.. ETC....
> 
> You must look into everything so you can verify her last time of contact is true..
> 
> BUT TRUST ME... .Expect the worst and hope for the best.. *It will be utterly mind and heart crushing when you see your wife telling this man how much she loved his c0ck or how good it tasted.*.
> 
> I am tell you.... YOU better be fvcking ready for this.. Because it is utterly going to mind fvck you forever and a day..
> 
> Your *"LOVE"* for her is shining through all the fake hard a$$ bullsh!t you are trying to do.. So she just knows just to play it off and minimize it all..
> 
> She needs to feel like she is hanging off a cliff and YOU are her only hope of survival.. Anything short of that and you will utterly fail and she will do this again..
> 
> She needs to remember what happened the first time she did this.. She needs to say, *"Holy Sh!t, I don't want to cross this guy again because I know what he did the first time and it just isn't worth it"*
> 
> Otherwise trust me they just get better at it..
> 
> The hardest thing about suicide is doing it.. That is the BIGGEST hesitation someone has when truly looking to do it.. The initial act of hurting themselves..
> 
> BUT after that first time, if they survive.. Guess what ?... They are NO LONGER AFRAID of cutting themselves or doing it.. Because they already did that the FIRST TIME AROUND...
> 
> Well if you haven't figured it out.. It is the same for cheating..
> 
> Understand this is marriage cancer and you need to treat it as such.. You need to make it crystal clear to your wife that this sh!t is no good in the most aggressive of ways..
> 
> She needs to be begging for you NOT to end this..
> 
> You need to tell everyone in your and her family what she did.. She needs to have no place to turn to.. She needs to know public shame.. She needs to know that this is WRONG by society terms as well..
> 
> Otherwise trust me the sting of this is much less and becomes minimized later on..
> 
> The first time with my EX wife I blew her up all over the place.. EVERYONE knew.. She was begging for forgiveness as I verbally assaulted her..
> 
> For some reason the other times I was like you.. It sort of worked but as you can see the severity wore off much faster the few other times.. Until the last time.. The last time made me emotionally scarred in such a way that I know I will never be fixed.. I just have too much PTSD over it.. I understand it and accept it and try to deal with it.. The GF understands and copes with it as well. I just have very little trust and faith in women now.. Mind you I trust, it just isn't the utter blind trust I had in the past.. Any time her cell phone rings I get suspicious even if I don't say it.. She knows..
> 
> Good luck.. Keep posting..
> 
> Please Wake the Fvck up a bit about this situation..


This is so true. OP really has to mentally prepare for the likelihood that the mother of his kid, did much more and loved it. BHs don't want to believe that the wife they love would betray them in such a manner and risk their kids stability. WWs notoriously trickle truth and down play how wanton they were until they're busted by their own words via text or emails. 

The fact that she traveled to get with this guy for a weekend should tell you she got buck wild. That weekend she wasn't a wife or a mother, she was some douches cvm bucket and probably loved every minute.


----------



## Truthseeker1

jsmart said:


> This is so true. OP really has to mentally prepare for the likelihood that the mother of his kid, did much more and loved it. BHs don't want to believe that the wife they love would betray them in such a manner and risk their kids stability. WWs notoriously trickle truth and down play how wanton they were until they're busted by their own words via text or emails.
> 
> *The fact that she traveled to get with this guy for a weekend should tell you she got buck wild. That weekend she wasn't a wife or a mother, she was some douches cvm bucket and probably loved every minute.*


Definitely..and I would say this is not the first time they met and you can be rest assured she enjoyed it despite her amazing husband and family...if a spouse really treasures their "amazing" family they dont travel to another state to cheat....


----------



## MountainRunner

Truthseeker1 said:


> First - access to all her emails, social media, everything
> Second - If the OM has a wife she MUST be informed, if there are more OM - their wives must be informed also
> Third find a good INDIVIDUAL counselor - do not commit to anything until this is all sorted out
> Fourth She has to take a polygraph and answer your questions, write out a timeline of the affair and answer any and all of your questions as many times as you ask them
> Fifth DNA test your kids just to be sure they are actually yours...
> 
> She needs to know this is serious and you are serious...good luck


Yep, yep...Might also add a GPS tracker app on her phone too.


----------



## notted

jsmart said:


> This is so true. OP really has to mentally prepare for the likelihood that the mother of his kid, did much more and loved it. BHs don't want to believe that the wife they love would betray them in such a manner and risk their kids stability. WWs notoriously trickle truth and down play how wanton they were until they're busted by their own words via text or emails.
> 
> The fact that she traveled to get with this guy for a weekend should tell you she got buck wild. That weekend she wasn't a wife or a mother, she was some douches cvm bucket and probably loved every minute.


The funniest f*kn part is my wife flew from f*king NJ to Seattle to be with some white supremisist a**hole that she met on yahoo chat in 99. I'm a real f*king POS for a husband, and for the record that includes.. taking care of the house, puting them above me, accepting their bull**** on a daily basis and dealing with it for the kids.. I believe I'm a bag of ****, and care too much. WHen I got promoted at jiu jitsu my professor said "the most selfless person I know" and little did I know that meant being a door mat. the only place I can call "Mine" is at the jiu jitsu academy and I couldn't get through the first 5 minutes of takedown drills because I had F8king visions in my GD ADHD mind... 

She gave me her phone I went through it.. nothing... she deleted it all as of what looks like April, when she broke it off. 

F*K me! The rush of emotions.. hate, sadness, feeling wrecked and lifeless, and just like a bag of **** is awesome.. great gift!


----------



## Truthseeker1

notted said:


> The funniest f*kn part is my wife flew from f*king NJ to Seattle to be with some white supremisist a**hole that she met on yahoo chat in 99. I'm a real f*king POS for a husband, and for the record that includes.. taking care of the house, puting them above me, accepting their bull**** on a daily basis and dealing with it for the kids.. I believe I'm a bag of ****, and care too much. WHen I got promoted at jiu jitsu my professor said "the most selfless person I know" and little did I know that meant being a door mat. the only place I can call "Mine" is at the jiu jitsu academy and I couldn't get through the first 5 minutes of takedown drills because I had F8king visions in my GD ADHD mind...
> 
> She gave me her phone I went through it.. nothing... she deleted it all as of what looks like April, when she broke it off.
> 
> F*K me! The rush of emotions.. hate, sadness, feeling wrecked and lifeless, and just like a bag of **** is awesome.. great gift!


 @notted reread this thread - put the advice to use - become a man of action and dont wallow in this - if your wife does not come clean and I mean giving you everything then there is no marriage left t save..if you think rug sweeping will work read riverrats thread...


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## jsmart

I'm so sorry for your pain. Most on this board know that pain. Don't beat yourself up. This is ALL on her. You being a selfless man, giving his all for his family, doesn't make you less than. It makes her that much less for fvcking up a good thing.


----------



## notted

No I'm doing it.. I told her, hell I sent her a post from here so she knows. I just went through the phone nothing, we have my macbook nothing, her ipad nothing.. 

**** my daughters home from college. I'm taking your words forward!


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## GusPolinski

notted said:


> *No I'm doing it*.. I told her, hell I sent her a post from here so she knows. I just went through the phone nothing, we have my macbook nothing, her ipad nothing..
> 
> **** my daughters home from college. I'm taking your words forward!


Doing what?


----------



## truster

There are programs that restore deleted texts..


----------



## CH

Check phone records for any unusual numbers

Poly?

BTW, you're 1st wife cheated and you bailed right away, why r you staying with this one? Kids?

No kids with the 1st wife?


----------



## ThePheonix

Notted my man, this may be something you won't be able to reconcile. Before you decide she's worth it consider if what she did is intolerable causing you to be on a slow burn for years to come. Don't get tens years down the road to realize your life would have be better if you just walked away. Additionally, and it sounds obvious, but even if you decide to stay because you love her so much, remember she's only going to turn from her wayward ways if she loves you enough to do it. When a woman gets in an affair, she has a low romantic interest in her partner. (well maybe not if its Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp, and similar guys)


----------



## sparrow555

YOu realize what happened,right ? She started an online affair and went to his place(town/city) to f*ck him under the pretense of a marathon. She well and knew what she was doing. 

What is more worrying is



> I had seen some pop up messages from a chatroom she was in and it raised my eyebrow last thursday and rekindled my push about the screen shot.



It looks like she is still trolling online to have affair with other guys. Do you know what app it was ? That guy in NC was neither the first one or the last one. her affair behaviors are still continuing which is why you remained suspicious.


----------



## JohnA

Hi,

Please clarify: are you a stay at home dad? The wife who went to seattle, was your first wife? The older daughter coming home is from your first marriage? How did your WS and posm begin. Reading between the lines it seems a chat board, sexing, texting then a meet up. If so what boards.

What would be the outcome if you divorce. The biggest mistake BS make is trying to figure out if they want to reconcile first, then look at divorce options. If she is leading you on at this point you are giving her a 80 yard head start in a 100 yard race. You find a lot of threads here where the BS lack of foreknowledge cost them dearly. The second reason is for many the fear of the unknown options of divorce leads them to accept a less then idea marriage. 

You been though this before, how did you handie it before vs now? How could you have you handled it better last time.

Be well keep going at the gym, it is the only way to handle stress.


----------



## notted

CH said:


> Check phone records for any unusual numbers
> 
> Poly?
> 
> BTW, you're 1st wife cheated and you bailed right away, why r you staying with this one? Kids?
> 
> No kids with the 1st wife?


1st marriage I was young in the military when I got married, I realized soon after I f*d up. Prayed to god she'd cheat so I'd have a reason to leave her, boom.. 2 days after christmas found a letter from this dude to her and I walked in to our room 430am as I was getting ready togoto work and was like WTF! LOL 

A truer thing has never been said "NICE GUYS FINISH LAST!" LOL I put others before me and bam... lol


----------



## notted

She's deleted all of her contacts etc, the phone dates go back to at least April with delted messages etc.. it's clean, nothing...
I told her we both need to get checked for STD's.. although she went to the OB/GYN not too long ago, I assume it was for that and pregnancy test but who the **** knows. 

My 1st marriage was a horrible PO trash... she was a lazy POS I had 2 kids with. 

My wife hit the 39/40 ear old age marker and she started playing some game on her phone.. talking to these people. she said I assume about october she started talking to this dude... 6 months later bang. she ended it a few weeks after they did it. 

I'm angry as all hell, I'm not pushing it under the carpet.. I'm trying to figure this out. I love my wife tremendously and what she did is ****ing unbelieveable I have to for my kids try to make it right... if it seems like a waste I'm going to bail. 

I told her you want this to work you need to find us a counselor.. you need to work. you need to win me back.

FML.. the worst is I can't close my eyes without seeing her face or a blank face next to her. F*K!!!!! I can't close my eyes... can't sleep


----------



## notted

JohnA said:


> Hi,
> 
> Please clarify: are you a stay at home dad? The wife who went to seattle, was your first wife? The older daughter coming home is from your first marriage? How did your WS and posm begin. Reading between the lines it seems a chat board, sexing, texting then a meet up. If so what boards.
> 
> What would be the outcome if you divorce. The biggest mistake BS make is trying to figure out if they want to reconcile first, then look at divorce options. If she is leading you on at this point you are giving her a 80 yard head start in a 100 yard race. You find a lot of threads here where the BS lack of foreknowledge cost them dearly. The second reason is for many the fear of the unknown options of divorce leads them to accept a less then idea marriage.
> 
> You been though this before, how did you handie it before vs now? How could you have you handled it better last time.
> 
> Be well keep going at the gym, it is the only way to handle stress.


No I work, she works.. it's my step-daughter who's 20.

She was playing Clash Of Clans which must be the newest dating game for some reason... they get into clans and have private group rooms and it matured from there I played a game, but never ever thought of something like this. My ex-went to visit family in "Seattle" lol...


----------



## jdawg2015

notted said:


> She's deleted all of her contacts etc, the phone dates go back to at least April with delted messages etc.. it's clean, nothing...
> I told her we both need to get checked for STD's.. although she went to the OB/GYN not too long ago, I assume it was for that and pregnancy test but who the **** knows.
> 
> My 1st marriage was a horrible PO trash... she was a lazy POS I had 2 kids with.
> 
> My wife hit the 39/40 ear old age marker and she started playing some game on her phone.. talking to these people. she said I assume about october she started talking to this dude... 6 months later bang. she ended it a few weeks after they did it.
> 
> I'm angry as all hell, I'm not pushing it under the carpet.. I'm trying to figure this out. I love my wife tremendously and what she did is ****ing unbelieveable I have to for my kids try to make it right... if it seems like a waste I'm going to bail.
> 
> I told her you want this to work you need to find us a counselor.. you need to work. you need to win me back.
> 
> FML.. the worst is I can't close my eyes without seeing her face or a blank face next to her. F*K!!!!! I can't close my eyes... can't sleep


Just realize you DO NOT have to stay with her soley for your kids.

You love a woman who betrayed you. Don't lose self-respect.

The relationship with her will never be the same. 

Sorry you are here many but read TAM and you'll see the reason why reconciliation fails most of the time. Mind movies, the not knowing if you ever got the full story, etc. It's hell.

If she has yahoo, start typing each letter of the alphabet one at time and check for email addresses she may have created to send OM or herself. If she did not clear the browser history they will still be in there.

Also, don't fail to plan and contacts a lawyer so you know what your options are. Keep divorce on the table and have blanks forms out in the open. Time to **** test her.


----------



## jsmart

There is software that can restore info including deleted text and emails on I-phones, I-Pads, and Macbooks.

Get a VAR in her car. She's probably confiding in with someone who's helping her navigate through your questioning and guiding her on how to get her story straight.

In order to R, you have to forgive but to forgive, you really need to know what it is you're forgiving. Right now you only have what she's giving you. My time here and similar boards has taught me that there is almost always WAY more. 

You need to find out how many times they met. Is he the only person. If there are things she turns you down for, did she perform these for him. Don't know how many times I've read a thread started by a distraught BH that found something that he thought was an EA but further digging found a PA. Or guys who thought a short PA that turned out to be a years long love affair that WW planned to leave her family for but POS flaked at last minute. The worst are the ones who thought it was a PA but then find she's a serial cheater with a string of PA streching out for years.


----------



## GusPolinski

notted said:


> She's deleted all of her contacts etc, the phone dates go back to at least April with delted messages etc.. it's clean, nothing...


Well that's not good.

See my previous reply re: data recovery tools.

Or have you already done this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## z_man

notted said:


> *I'm going to try and work it out*, she says she loves me, she broke it off because she said it wasn't right. I want to believe her..
> 
> I'm sick over this and totally 1000% devastated.



A few things about the bolded quote above.

Your decision to work towards reconciliation is your choice, but understand your attitude can/may change and should be dependent on how your wife behaves from here on out.

Reconciliation does not mean sweeping this under the rug (better know as 'getting past this')

Reconciliation also depends on your wife putting in 100% effort, its not just you doing the hard work to repair/rebuild the marriage.

There are no guarantees reconciliation will be successful. There are many variables that can aid or hinder your chances.

Here are some terms that work towards successful reconciliation and can also quickly determine how willing your wife is to get the marriage back on track.

*Exposure* - If the guy your wife cheated with has a wife or girlfriend, tell her. She deserves to know. Exposing to family and friends is your call, however, you are going to need all the support you can get and it is best to get it out in the open.

*Transparency* - For the immediate future, you have 24.7 access to her phone, computer, social media, chat apps, whatever. She accounts for all her time. No GNOs. GPS her car and have find my phone app on all the time. She wants you to trust her, you want to trust her, this will help rebuild it.

*Disclosure* - she tells you everything, who, what where, when, and why. If you are going to try and forgive, you have to know what you are forgiving. Trickle truth is actually worse than telling all because you get to experience the pain of betrayal over and over again. If you find out more happened after disclosure, then proceed with divorce.

*No contact* - She blocks him on phone/computer/social media. No contact. If he tries to contact her, she ignores it and tells you immediately. If she contacts him, file for divorce. A No Contact letter is written by her, approved by you, and verified that it was sent.

*Marriage Counseling* - mandatory with a counselor specializing with infidelity and PTSD.

*Remorse *- she owns the affair. She accepts her affair as her failing, not yours. There may or may not be problems with the marriage, but they are no excuse for her decision to have an affair. No blameshifting to you, anyone else, or other circumstances. If your wife has no remorse for her cheating, then reconciliation will not work. It is probably your biggest indicator of how reconciliation will/will not work. The Chump Lady has a good explanation of Real vs. Imitation Remorse.

*STD - DNA Testing* - demonstrates a no bull**** mentality and expresses the grave nature of her betrayal.

*Contact a lawyer *and start the process of divorce. You do not have to follow through and it can be stopped/started at any time. This gives your wife the message you are not ****ing around and are willing to end the marriage if she cannot accept/follow through on her commitments to reconciliation.

If you really want to reconcile the marriage, remember, it will take both of you to succeed. If she is not willing to put in the hard work and live with the consequences, then you are wasting your time.

Good Luck.


----------



## convert

notted said:


> No I'm doing it.. I told her, hell I sent her a post from here so she knows. *I just went through the phone nothing, we have my macbook nothing, her ipad nothing.. *
> 
> **** my daughters home from college. I'm taking your words forward!


Do as Gus said and recover the deleted texts


----------



## Graywolf2

notted said:


> My wife hit the 39/40 year old age marker.


I’ve seen it over and over again on these boards. Around 40 is a dangerous age for women even in happy marriages. My theory is they want to prove they still have it before they lose it. Sometimes an empty or about to be empty nest plays a factor. 

It didn’t matter how attentive you were. One of the saddest things I’ve read is a BH telling his WW (wayward wife) that I always told you how beautiful you are to which the WW replied: “You had to say that because you love me.” A husband’s complements can never compete with a stranger’s.

They plan to take their fond memories to the grave and grow old with their husband. If caught they panic because they are no spring chicken. In general, women fear growing old alone more than men do. She is freaking out at the realization that she risked for entire future for some cheap thrills. 

Make no mistake about it. Your value to her are the stability and companionship you provide. When she says she loves you that’s what she loves. She will do anything not to lose it.

There is an old saying that men give love to get sex and women give sex to get love. That’s why (in general) an EA (emotional affair) is more troubling for a woman and a PA (physical affair) is more troubling for a man. 

What some women don’t get is that for a man marriage is a trade for a steady supply of exclusive sex. (Biologically the exclusive part is so that the husband can have confidence that her kids are also his.) You were all in paying full price (heart and soul) and some %^$#@ got the sex for free. 

Tell your wife that you want to be her OM. Someone else can provide her with security and companionship and you will drop by for an occasional free [email protected] See how she responds. This will demonstrate why you are of value to her. You are a resource.


----------



## Thor

notted, when things calm down a bit I think you might benefit from reading the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. R. Glover. Another book you might get benefit from is "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty" by Smith. Both books are a lot more than what the titles suggest.


----------



## Marduk

You do martial arts. 

Seperate fear from instinct and reason. If the affair was over in May, and she's still getting pics last week...

What my instinct is saying:

#1 the affair isn't over, perhaps until at least very recently.
#2 she isn't sorry for the affair, she's sorry she got caught.
#3 she knew it was a vulnerable area for you because of your history and she did it anyway.

What is the proper response to atemi?


----------



## Marc878

Look check the phone bill. It'll tell you all the calls/texts made how long, to what number etc.

Then down load her phone so you can see what she's deleted.

It's worse than living in limbo.

The truth has a way of fixing things.


----------



## Hardtohandle

Notted.

I understand you are all over the place here.. I have been there.. I thought about killing myself during my times.. It was horrible.. 

But try to be structured with all of this.. 

You need to get a time line written down even if it is by her... 

She needs to explain all the deleted stuff.. 

Check with your cell phone carrier.. For example AT&T gives you all the NUMBERS that have called and texted you online.. You will not get content but it doesn't matter..

Download all your cell phone bills starting back 2 or 3 months BEFORE the date she mentioned. Get them in PDF format, which you usually can.

Now start with the month she says it started.. Get this guys number and do a control F and search these documents for his number.. Do this for all the months and including the previous 2 months.. 

Do this with your home phone bill as well. Again with Verizon you can do this as well. Search it for his number.. 

Get all the numbers she has for him..

Then pay for a spokeo account to search the rest of the numbers.. Its really not that expensive but it will help you find anything else she might be lying about.. You pay for 30 days or so and then terminate it.. If it cost you 100 dollars, it would be the best 100 you ever spent..

Your not going to get deleted stuff from an Iphone with free software so don't bother.. 

If she or you ever backed up her phone to the computer, you can as was already mentioned search these backups for text messages,contacts, calls, photos.. ETC... Do that its a wealth of information.. Again TONS..

Do not let this be YOUR shame.. Let the family know.. Let her deal with some sh!t as well.. 

How is she dealing with this ? Is she crying ? Is she begging for forgiveness ?

Trust me she a good sign is she utterly beating herself up over this.. She should be crying with snot coming out of her nose.. 

To me it sounds like she is just trying to cover her tracks which means little remorse and more self preservation.. 

Did she find a counselor ? 

Keep posting and do not make a new thread regardless of the topic related to this..


----------



## eric1

You next step needs to be to inform your wife's boyfriend's wife.

Period


----------



## BobSimmons

notted said:


> She's giving me space even though we're int he house, she wants to work it out she said she'd never do it again (heard that before i bet) and she said she felt wrong when she did it. I'm hoping this works out, I love this woman and I'm devastated.. I'm no angel but I never cheated and I'd feel wrong if someone flirted with me.


She spent two days with him. She felt wrong for two days? All those times it felt so wrong? Don't listen to that..also if it felt wrong why did she keep all that info as a momento, someone feeling guilty as hell would want to delete that information and try their best to forget it.


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## MattMatt

BobSimmons said:


> She spent two days with him. She felt wrong for two days? All those times it felt so wrong? Don't listen to that..also if it felt wrong why did she keep all that info as a momento, someone feeling guilty as hell would want to delete that information and try their best to forget it.


She may well have felt guilty. But... that didn't stop her, did it?


----------



## PreRaphaelite

MattMatt said:


> She may well have felt guilty. But... that didn't stop her, did it?


Many, many waywards feel guilty about their affair, but it doesn't stop them.


----------



## BetrayedDad

notted said:


> She started chatting with this guy it grew, she went to NC to run a marathon (march) and they spent 2 days together it evidently was the only time.


Romantic getaway on your dime, huh? She arraigned the whole thing and was the aggressor. Make no mistake.



notted said:


> I love my wife so very very much, and I'm in love with her.


That's great but she doesn't love you. Do the 180, you're codependent.



notted said:


> We've been together 15 years and married 13..


Don't fall victim to the sunk cost fallacy. 



notted said:


> There's so much more but this is just start..


There always is so much more. You're being trickle truthed HARD.



notted said:


> I'm going to try and work it out, she says she loves me, she broke it off because she said it wasn't right.


Women "in love with their husbands" don't fvck other men. How do you know for certain she broke it off? If she did, it was probably only because of logistics.



notted said:


> I want to believe her..


Don't, she's a proven liar.



notted said:


> I'm sick over this and totally 1000% devastated.


As you should be because this is a disgusting betrayal. File for divorce and you can't be more than 100% of anything.


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## Roselyn

She spent a weekend with her lover. She flew in to be with him. You found out! You still want to reconcile? I truly believe that you are Plan B. She is pursuing this guy. To the OM, she is just a piece of tail. He doesn't want her, so she keeps you as an unknowing husband. Now you know that you have a cheating wife in your hands.

She is not wife material, but a "Booty Call". She has sex with you and sex with her lover. File for divorce. Get tested for STD. She is a time-bomb! She will repeat this behavior over and over again. You will regret taking her back. Sorry you are here.


----------



## jsmart

Roselyn said:


> *She spent a weekend with her lover. She flew in to be with him.* You found out! You still want to reconcile? I truly believe that you are Plan B. *She is pursuing this guy.* To the OM, *she is just a piece of tail*. He doesn't want her, so she keeps you as an unknowing husband. Now you know that you have a cheating wife in your hands.
> 
> She is *not wife material, but a "Booty Call"*. She has sex with you and sex with her lover. File for divorce. Get tested for STD. She is a time-bomb! She will repeat this behavior over and over again. You will regret taking her back. Sorry you are here.


That's what makes this especially egregious. It's not one of those I was drunk and loss control of my senses or a work place EAs that slowly started unplanned. No, the plotting involved to make this happened. She's spending family money to be some douches free prostitute. And from the looks of it, she pursued it.

I agree that OP should file D, kick her out of marital bedroom, split finances, expose to her family and friends, and go totally 180 on her. No interaction, just for household or parental needs.
If she turns it around and shows true remorse, you can stop the D but she needs consequences.


----------



## winchesterjasonr

My wife also had an affair, we ended up divorced. Trust in a marriage is the most important part. She stepped out, u should let het know u want ur two days with some chick and then you'll try to work it out with her, or its never going to work out. Females do **** like that, until they have it done back to them, they don't get it. So make it clear u don't feel like ur equal, fok the I'm sorry bull**** and it will never happen again, go get urself some and then see if she wants to work **** out.

And if u do stay with her, if I was u I'd keep a couple girls on the side, cause she will do this **** again to you.


----------



## Asclepius

Roselyn said:


> She spent a weekend with her lover. She flew in to be with him. You found out! You still want to reconcile? I truly believe that you are Plan B. She is pursuing this guy. To the OM, she is just a piece of tail. He doesn't want her, so she keeps you as an unknowing husband. Now you know that you have a cheating wife in your hands.
> 
> She is not wife material, but a "Booty Call". She has sex with you and sex with her lover. File for divorce. Get tested for STD. She is a time-bomb! She will repeat this behavior over and over again. You will regret taking her back. Sorry you are here.



I am really sorry to hear about this but I have to agree. I have been there and stuck it out for a little over a Year or so before calling it quits. I have recently just started feeling whole again. Read this before you talk to her. It may help. Is Your Spouse In An Affair Fog? - Bounce Back From Betrayal

Best of luck


----------



## eric1

Notted,

What do you want to do?


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## mkk

Divorce, with favorable financials toward you, but joint custody. Then offer to live together........tell this IN FRONT as the ONLY way you would stay.....this protects you from repeat performances as you can just leave without strings. That security is the PRICE she pays and it is extrememly significant for women. Other Conditions : don't out her to anyone and keep the divorce quite .......let her keep her dignity. Stop looking for details, they DON'T MATTER if this truly was a one and off affair..........BUT , if it was serial.....head for the hills.....SO AN EXCEPTION TO THE NO DETAILS.......just find out if there were OTHER MEN beside this guy. Women cheat because they lose their love and emotions for their husband and look for a new and better love and emotional attatchement.......not like most men who usually only look for added sex without emotional attatchment.....that makes it easier for most women to put it behind them. Your wife's affair very well may have ended ONLY.....and I mean ONLY!.... because the new jocker treated her, after the initial gentlemanly behavior to nail her, as the trollop she was behaiving like. Don't discount this as important as it CAN get her to realize how stupid she was and what she forgot about you.....actually reforming her thiking about you. That is the only hope after what went on to get her back as a loving wife and not just be living with a **** hound. By being fair, except for financials, she keeps her dignity as the matter is just between the two of you and she has hope for the future and will look upon your fairness as a positive in her thinking about you. Other matters are you both promise to be faithful with an added wrinke, if YOU slip with a SINGLE short term affair she promises to work it out .....you will also need to apologize profusely .......and, if she wants, you will re-marry her.!That is your price to pay if you wander. If all goes well, you really should re-marry her anyway in about 10 years time. Be as generous as possible in the new relationship....try your best to rebuild the emotional bond between you and her. From your viewpoint she will have paid a just price for her indescretion and your pride will be repaired by this arrangement and you WILL be able to live with it. The side benefit is the stability you both provide your children....a significant factor. The children SHOULD NOT KNOW OF THE AFFAIR OR THE DIVORCE. In this manner she will respect you and your actions toward her will make it clear to her you can still repect her. This will help repair her pride as it is important to both of you. You will have extracted a steep price but also given her a very real way to repair your marriage. GOOD LUCK, RH M.D.


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## TDSC60

Her entire betrayal was planned. She went 1,000 miles away for a Marathon, she just did not tell you what type of "Marathon" she intended it to be. She stayed in contact with him after returning to you, her loving husband. Did you happen to ask her if she had a good trip or a good time on her trip? What was her answer?

I am with others here who say you don't have the entire truth yet. I am also positive that a wife who is in love with her husband and holds her family in high regard will not intentionally make plans to travel in order fvck another man. It was intentional, coordinated, and planned between the two of them.

But one thing is absolutely certain - once a spouse crosses that line into infidelity and betrayal, it is much easier the second time.

Maybe she is sorry now. If she is, it is because she does not want to lose Plan B (you). She will probably do it again when the next Other Man flirts with her and makes her feel desirable safe in the knowledge that all she has to do if caught is say she is sorry and play the remorseful spouse for a couple of months until things go back to normal. She has probably already got a burner phone.


----------



## notted

So I can at this time, I'm just working on me.. I'm working on me getting better for me. I don't initiate texts, conversations, hugs or I love you's. That's not my job anymore, I'm here to be better get better and figure my poop out. If things don't workout I'm ok with that because I'll be a better father and man for it. 

I put this on her, she needs to do the right thing by me, if she's not willing to do it then she's made it clear. I'm doing nothing for her at this point, and I do not plan on doing it! Actions speak louder than words especially in this case. her actions were that I am an afterthought, I'm good enough to take care of the house, the bills, support her etc but I'm not good enough to be it. Well until she proves it to ME, I'm just fixing me. 

I'm also putting my stuff together, looking at financials, apartments close by etc. I'm setting up for it not to work, because at this time it's 60/40 it won't. 

Thanks


----------



## TDSC60

notted said:


> So I can at this time, I'm just working on me.. I'm working on me getting better for me. I don't initiate texts, conversations, hugs or I love you's. That's not my job anymore, I'm here to be better get better and figure my poop out. If things don't workout I'm ok with that because I'll be a better father and man for it.
> 
> I put this on her, she needs to do the right thing by me, if she's not willing to do it then she's made it clear. I'm doing nothing for her at this point, and I do not plan on doing it! Actions speak louder than words especially in this case. her actions were that I am an afterthought, I'm good enough to take care of the house, the bills, support her etc but I'm not good enough to be it. Well until she proves it to ME, I'm just fixing me.
> 
> I'm also putting my stuff together, looking at financials, apartments close by etc. I'm setting up for it not to work, because at this time it's 60/40 it won't.
> 
> Thanks


Good for you. I see too many husbands here who want to keep a cheating wife at any cost.

Don't forget to look at life insurance benefits. Designate a trust for small kids or have it go to adult children after paying expenses. Most forget about that during emotional times.

Hope for the best - Plan for the worst.


----------



## notted

TDSC60 said:


> Good for you. I see too many husbands here who want to keep a cheating wife at any cost.
> 
> Don't forget to look at life insurance benefits. Designate a trust for small kids or have it go to adult children after paying expenses. Most forget about that during emotional times.
> 
> Hope for the best - Plan for the worst.


Thats what I'm doing.. I hope for the best but I'm planning for the worst. 

I'm looking at me, she needs to look and see WTF she wants and make up for it, and if she can't then it's time to move on.


----------



## Truthseeker1

notted said:


> Thats what I'm doing.. I hope for the best but I'm planning for the worst.
> 
> I'm looking at me, she needs to look and see WTF she wants and make up for it, and if she can't then it's time to move on.


What is she doing exactly? Do you have the details? do you have the OM's name, his contact info? Does he have a wife, have you exposed to her? Have you exposed her to friends, family? I mean its good to work on you but you also need to make her aware that there are consequences for cheating - and not just giving her the cold shoulder. BTW she should move out - not you..she cheated...


----------



## notted

What is she doing? Right now I believe she's stewing in **** because she knows she F****ed up! She knows, and I hope it's gutting her like it's gutting me. I'm being proactive by reading about how to process, and progress in a positive way. 

When we get to that place where it's done, i will expose her. It will be out there, trust me. I can't find anything on the dude.


----------



## Truthseeker1

notted said:


> What is she doing? Right now I believe she's stewing in **** because she knows she F****ed up! She knows, and I hope it's gutting her like it's gutting me. I'm being proactive by reading about how to process, and progress in a positive way.
> 
> When we get to that place where it's done, i will expose her. It will be out there, trust me. I can't find anything on the dude.


You need her phone records..can you get those? There are people on TAM well versed in technology who can help you...you might want to put a VAR in her car to see if she still talks to him when she is out. Talk to the folks here..you might have to hire a PI....

She is not stewing she is doing the CYA - she wants one thing right now - to get away with it - she wants her family back and to keep her little affair contained - it would not shock me if she has had a LTA with this guy or has had flings along the way in your marriage...the reason to expose is not to punish but to STOP the affair...I think there is so much more here you dont know...and th elonger you wait the more she will cover up...


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## manfromlamancha

60/40 !!!!! Are you kidding me ? It should be 99.999/0.001 it won't. That's her starting point and she has a lo-o-o-ong way to go!

Do you have the time line and all the details others have also asked you about ? Do you know exactly how the trip was planned, who all were involved etc ? Have you determined whether the marathon was real, was the main reason she was there, why the OM was there, whether they actually ran the marathon at all, what hotel etc


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## LongWalk

If and when she approaches you, requesting reconciliation, request a timeline.


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## JohnA

The apartment is for her, RIGHT !!!

The apartment is for her, RIGHT !!!

The apartment is for her, RIGHT !!!

The apartment is for her, RIGHT !!!

The apartment is for her, RIGHT !!!

The apartment is for her, RIGHT !!!

It is an apartment you feel comfortable leaving the kids at when they VIST her, RIGHT !!!


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

Do not trust her at all. I am there now. I received wonderful advice and read"no more mr nice guy" it pushed me in the right direction and I am in the drivers seat now for what that is worth. I do not know if I want to reconcile or not. My wife and I are 53 and she was involved with a 35 year old. I went to war and got to the root of the matter. Busted OM and let his wife know. Sadly, I have been married 30 years and in out 29th the ***** decided to cheat on me. Get your facts, do your research, and interrogate the hell out of her.


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## GusPolinski

notted said:


> What is she doing? Right now I believe she's stewing in **** because she knows she F****ed up! She knows, and I hope it's gutting her like it's gutting me. I'm being proactive by reading about how to process, and progress in a positive way.
> 
> When we get to that place where it's done, i will expose her. It will be out there, trust me. I can't find anything on the dude.


Tell your WW that, if she has even the faintest hope for reconciliation, she will tell you everything that you need to know about the guy.

Where do you live, by the way? No need to be specific, just wondering if you happen to live in a state where adultery "matters" at all in terms of divorce.


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## mkk

You are playing it wrong.....don't care what all these guys are telling you. First off, YOU DO NEED TO DIVORCE HER for two reasons, the affair, and as important, I discern she has obviously been putting you second now for quite some time with the affair the ultimate escalation of that behavior. BUT.......the wild card is you have kids and, face it, she still does it for you sexually....that feeling in the pit of your stomach and your groin. So what to do? Without divorcing her it is like playing tennis and she is a point up.....no matter how well you play. You need to change the game and win the first set by divorcing her with financials favoring you.....if she doesn't agree then get rid of her with the divorce period, go to war with her. But IF she agrees then let her live with you and give her continuances as earned by her to try and WIN YOU BACK. Right now, with out divorce all you will get are words of regret, "I did not mean it....it was a mistake....I didn't know what I was doing....etc". all B.S. Only by taking her security away can she be reformed.....and you will be the one to judge her effort. Staying married takes nothing from her.......no pressure for her to re-evaluate you and her relationship with you. But for it to work don't fall for exposing her at this point. How does it help you??....she wronged you, not her friends and family. Do you think exposing her to your kids is the right thing? I don't. Grow up and take back what you gave her when you married her, security. Then let her try and win your respect back by really looking inside herself and changing her feelings of respecting you again. If her behavior isn't right then proceed when you are convinced it is over. If she cheats again, you don't need to do anything but send her packing as you are already divorced. Play from ahead of her.......don't play with her always ahead because she will still be married. There is no reform until you make her understand she lost you and now she has to win you back. But let her keep her dignity so she is not hindered in wanting you back. Show her you are the kind of man that doesn't hurt her like she hurt you. The first thing she needs to get back is a real respect for the man you are. Crying, lashing out, exposing her will doom things ultimately and leave your kids in a broken home. There is no downside in this course of action and believe me a divorce will schock her back to reality and that she has now paid a real cosequence. Again the only investigation you need to do is confirm it was only this time and there were no others. R.H. M.D.


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## HobbesTheTiger

Hi. I'm sorry you're faced with this, but it's great you found this site. You'll get lots of advice here, mostly good, take what you want and ignore the rest. The advice you've received thus far is very good.

Some of my advice: 
1. Go see a GOOD lawyer IMMEDIATELY! Don't let her know you've been to see one. Just so you know your options.

2. Go buy a VAR (voice activated recorder) or a GoPro immediately and use it to record all your interactions with her. She might try to falsely accuse you of domestic violence to the police. Better safe than sorry, and there have been betrayed husbands here who were hit with false DV charges.

3. Start documenting your and her care for the kids immediately. I recommend you be as detailed as possible, and I recommend you send the details of the day every day to a good friend of yours or to an alternate e-mail account so you will have time-stamped proof in case of a custody battle. 

4. Set up individual counselling for yourself IMMEDIATELY! You need professional help in dealing with this level of betrayal&shock. Also, if you separate or divorce, ask your counsellor if they can recommend a good children's therapist for the kids.

5. Go see your doctor about STD testing. Be aware that if you have sex with her, you risk getting an STD and/or getting her pregnant.

6. Confide in your friends&family about this, both in person and in writing. You will get their support, plus it will help you in case of later false accusations of domestic violence, because you'll have proof of her cheating and thus her lack of credibility. Have you told any of them yet of her cheating?

7. Have you told the guy's wife/gf, if he has one, what happened? She deserves to know, just as you deserved to know.

8. Make sure you eat, sleep and exercise as much as possible. If you're having trouble, talk to your doctor or a pharmacist. DO NOT DRINK ALCOHOL.

9. Google "No more mr. nice guy pdf", it's a great book available online for free that might be a source of great strength for you. Please, do it!

10. She needs to go to IC at least for a month before you two even consider MC together. I recommend YOU find a good IC for HER, one that you will know has a no-nonsense approach to infidelity (knows that cheating is 100% cheater's fault,...) and go to her first session with her to make sure the counsellor knows all about the cheating. Afterwards, YOU select the MC, not her.

11. Google "How to help your spouse heal linda macdonald pdf", it's a great book available online for free that might help you two tremendously. It is essential she reads it IMMEDIATELY!

12. What was her and your childhood/youth like? Please, google "Toxic parents pdf", it's a great book available online for free that might help you two tremendously.

13. Has she written you a detailed timeline of the affairs? I urge you to get her do so. Tell her before writing that you'll be asking her to take a polygraph to prove the veracity of her timeline, to see if he was the only one etc. I also understand that at this time you might not be ready. The good thing about the poly is that you can always change your mind later and decide that she should take it. So no worries there.

14. Most of all, keep talking to us, the more you talk to us, the more we can help you and support you!

Best wishes


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## JohnA

Number 14 is the most important. It keeps clarity in the midst of chaos.


----------



## Keepin-my-head-up

GusPolinski said:


> notted said:
> 
> 
> 
> What is she doing? Right now I believe she's stewing in **** because she knows she F****ed up! She knows, and I hope it's gutting her like it's gutting me. I'm being proactive by reading about how to process, and progress in a positive way.
> 
> When we get to that place where it's done, i will expose her. It will be out there, trust me. I can't find anything on the dude.
> 
> 
> 
> Tell your WW that, if she has even the faintest hope for reconciliation, she will tell you everything that you need to know about the guy.
> 
> Where do you live, by the way? No need to be specific, just wondering if you happen to live in a state where adultery "matters" at all in terms of divorce.
Click to expand...

And be prepared for her willingness to end the marriage so she doesn't have to give up this info.
It happens more than we would like to believe


----------



## knobcreek

The vast majority of marathons have the times of the finishers posted online, just search which marathon she ran and look for a finishers time to see if she really ran it. I would also look for a fella finishing right around the same time assuming they ran it together. Just say his name to her one day, see what she does, then get to work in finding out about him, where he works, who he is married to, no reason you can't blow this dudes **** up.

As for a revenge affair, they don't work, your spouse cheated because she no longer loves or respects you. For you to cheat wouldn't impact her like it did you because her feelings for you are not the same as your feelings for her. Ever had that girlfriend you really just didn't care about but for some reason kept ending back up with her? If you found out she was cheating would you care? Not really... You're that girlfriend right now.

She's likely still in the aftermath of this entire thing and still in contact with the guy, you have no chance of inflicting any punishment on her, you leaving will leave her time to search him out again and look for new guys, you cheating relieves her of any possible guilt. It will be years or potentially never until she actually gives a crap about what she did.


----------



## Mr Blunt

> *By Notted*
> So I can at this time, I'm just working on me... I'm working on me getting better for me. I don't initiate texts, conversations, hugs or I love you’d. That's not my job anymore, I'm here to be better get better and figure my poop out. If things don't workout I'm ok with that because I'll be a better father and man for it.
> 
> I put this on her, she needs to do the right thing by me, if she's not willing to do it then she's made it clear. I'm doing nothing for her at this point, and I do not plan on doing it! *Actions speak louder than words especially in this case.* her actions were that I am an afterthought, I'm good enough to take care of the house, the bills, support her etc but I'm not good enough to be it. Well until she proves it to ME, I'm just fixing me.
> 
> I'm also putting my stuff together, looking at financials, apartments close by etc. I'm setting up for it not to work, because at this time it's 60/40 it won't.
> 
> Thanks


*The above is one of the best plans that I have seen by a BS in a very long time!!*

Notted, use our pains and hurts to keep you focused on your plan. *If you work your plan right then in a year or two you will be strong enough to have a good life with her or without her.* If you need a thought to keep you on your plan then maybe this will help;* nobody can get you a lot better except you;* you are in this improvement period without your wife. She has proven to you that you are not number one or even number two. So you are now in the jungle kingdom. Only the strong survive!

When you get a lot stronger than you can evaluate your wife or ex-wife, whichever the case may be, and then decide if you want to be in a trusting relationship with her or not. Do not be sidetracked by trying to be the hero and fix her; that is a job that is solely for her to do. If she does the right things for a long time she may become trustworthy enough for you to have a close relationship with. The goal is for you to be able to live with her or without her and to be self-sufficient enough that you can have a good life without her. If she has proven for a very long time that she really is worthy of being loyal and committed, then you can use your improved self to make the relationship better! Seriously fractured relationship can only get better when both get stronger. That takes a lot of pain and effort.

Your plan is a win win!! The hard part will be staying with it because your wounded emotions will tempt you to compromise. If you succeed you will be more secure than you ever were.


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## cgiles

I advice you to read the 180lists : The 180 | AFFAIRCARE

And for No more mr nice guy : https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf


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## LongWalk

Did Gus help you recover the phone data?

You don't have to make a decision now but you lack information about your wife's state of mind going into the affair, in the midst of the affair and after Dday.

The affair gave your wife excitement and pleasure. For you to feel comfortable going on in your marriage, you need to feel certain that you can meet your wife's needs, whatever that means. Alternatively, her needs must change. If she needs sexual and romantic novelty to get through the slow and long months of everyday life, either she has to suppress or sublimate this or you have to be the hot guy. Maybe your imminent exit will up your sex ranking.

You say your love your wife. Objectively, what is good about her. Write up a list with two columns, positives and negatives.


----------



## Chaparral

If you decide to end the marriage that's OK. About 65% of marriages break up when infidelity is discovered. If the wife cheats, the marriage only survives about 15-20% of the time if my math is correct. The fact that 80% of cheaters are never caught skews the numbers I suppose but I assume many marriages dissolve because a cheater wants out and the betrayed spouse never knows why.

My favorite stat is that the odds cheating couples stay together is only 3 out of 100.


----------



## Keepin-my-head-up

Chaparral said:


> If you decide to end the marriage that's OK. About 65% of marriages break up when infidelity is discovered. If the wife cheats, the marriage only survives about 15-20% of the time if my math is correct. The fact that 80% of cheaters are never caught skews the numbers I suppose but I assume many marriages dissolve because a cheater wants out and the betrayed spouse never knows why.
> 
> My favorite stat is that the odds cheating couples stay together is only 3 out of 100.


Where did you get these numbers?
I ask because there is another thread that someone is saying that it is a little over 50% that cheating couples stay together.
He would be wise to read the data on this


----------



## Gabriel

I think you need to communicate well here. Tell her exactly what you need from her if there is to be any hope to salvage things. Tell her there is no guarantee it will work, but step 1 is you needing X, Y, and Z. If she works hard and gives you X, Y, and Z, it may help you work out a plan to save the marriage. 

Be very clear with her. 

Should she fail, then you shall bail. Should she succeed, then you STILL have the right to decide either way, depending on how your emotions develop.


----------



## RWB

notted said:


> *When we get to that place where it's done, I will expose her. It will be out there, trust me. I can't find anything on the dude.
> *


N, 

Wait... She cheats on you with some runner she met online (questionable). I would bet they crossed paths at other events. Then, she goes to NC to run an event and sleeps with this dude in a hotel for 2 days. "It was only one time... I swear". Hardly.

Now, she is so sorry (caught) and wants to R. She knows the OM. *Tell her to give you his info. * This will let you know who she is interested in protecting? 1) herself, 2) you, the 3) OM?

BTW, She didn't confess out of guilt. She was sloppy and left clues and you confronted. She confessed because she was afraid of being caught. This is the last ditch effort of a cheater. The "Hail Mary" of affairs.

There is always more...


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## OldWolf57

N, you do know that that friend that lied for her is not a friend of your marriage.
So cut her out of your circle.


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## happyman64

Notted

I do hope you are getting your emotions under control.

We all understand how hurtful her affair is to you.

And while all the lying and cheating is hurtful what would worry me more is the fact that she met a guy online, playing a game and then flew to meetup with a total stranger for two days of anonymous sex.

Think about it.

A stranger. A trip that she lied to you about. An affair.

Your W is lucky she did not end up dead in a hotel bathtub.

Her complete lack of judgement is scary.

Add that all up and the fact that she knew you had been cheated on by your first wife should really make you look closely at your wife.

Who is she?

Do you really know who she has become?

Take her for a polygraph to see if she is still lying to you now and if she has done this crap before?

HM


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## RWB

happyman64 said:


> Notted
> 
> I do hope you are getting your emotions under control.
> 
> Think about it.
> 
> A stranger. A trip that she lied to you about. An affair.
> 
> Your W is lucky she did not end up dead in a hotel bathtub.
> 
> Her complete lack of judgement is scary.
> 
> Who is she?
> 
> 
> HM


Really... Sit down and think about it?

My wife ended up in a Hotel with a college BF (30 years in the past). All it took was a F-ckBook post and 2 week later she was in the Hotel No Tell. Aside from the affair I was like... this dude could of been some killer. Are you Insane? 

People are crazy! Your wife need serious help.


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## Decorum

Why did she cheat?

Its a question that can help you access true remorsefulness and self awareness.


Both of these ( remorsefulness and self awareness) can be born and increase in her as you go through this process, or not.

At the moment at least some of what you are seeing is just the fear of loss, and relates to her self interest (not a totally bad thing) and her selfishness (never a good thing). She got caught. 

If she blames you in any way for her cheating, to that degree she is not taking responsibility and to that degree she is unremorseful.

A wayward spouse can grow in these qualities (remorsefulness & self awareness), many dont have what it takes. It is a painful journey. Unless she is already a person with developed personal character who fell, she will need appropriate consequences to help crowed her to her needed growth.

She broke her vows, you are under NO obligation to help her become "reconciliation ready", but you may choose to. Its your call. But the decision to reconcile should be made in time but not in haste. Weeks, months, a year from now, it all depends.



Her willingness to keep it hidden is an indicator of a limit to her intimacy with you. She has a hidden part of herself she will never share with you, one she shares with another man. You have "forced" yourself into her hidden secret. This will also be an indicator of remorsefulness and self awareness.

Is she willing to be cometely honest?
Will she willingly and without reserve give you or help you find any information or answers you ask for?

What price is she willing to pay to restore intimacy with you?.



I like the perspective on an RA that is stated in the post below.



knobcreek said:


> The vast majority of marathons have the times of the finishers posted online, just search which marathon she ran and look for a finishers time to see if she really ran it. I would also look for a fella finishing right around the same time assuming they ran it together. Just say his name to her one day, see what she does, then get to work in finding out about him, where he works, who he is married to, no reason you can't blow this dudes **** up.
> 
> As for a revenge affair, they don't work, your spouse cheated because she no longer loves or respects you. For you to cheat wouldn't impact her like it did you because her feelings for you are not the same as your feelings for her. Ever had that girlfriend you really just didn't care about but for some reason kept ending back up with her? If you found out she was cheating would you care? Not really... You're that girlfriend right now.
> 
> She's likely still in the aftermath of this entire thing and still in contact with the guy, you have no chance of inflicting any punishment on her, you leaving will leave her time to search him out again and look for new guys, you cheating relieves her of any possible guilt. It will be years or potentially never until she actually gives a crap about what she did.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Decorum

What about her rings?

Did she wear them when she had sex with the other man?

Did she take them off?

They are a symbol of her commitment.

If she wore them she has tarnished them, they are a reminder of her disregard for you in choosing another man to have sex with, her acts of infidelity.

Did she remove them? They are now the symbols of her betrayal, for you, your children, and your families.

Many feel that the original marriage has been destroyed and if "R" is going to happen a new relationship and marriage must be rebuilt.

You can tell her that her rings are now a symbol of her infidelity and betrayal.

You will not even consider reconciliation until they are gotten rid of.

How?

Well capturing the spirit of an RA previously mentioned, you could tell her that you are going to take them to a strip club, have the girl wear them during the lap dance she gives you and then give them to her afterwards. You might even get down on one knee to put them on her.

Orrrrr...
You could sell them, or better yet "hock" them and give the money to a local soup kitchen or some charity, or an organisation that does STD research.

Also did she come home from shaging him and hop into your marriage bed like nothing happened? I don't blame you for not wanting to get in that bed, maybe a new mattress is in order. Why should you have to live with these triggers.

She is also a trigger, what can she suggest to change that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator

*It's all too apparent that you've been "trickle-truthed" as well as"iceberged!"

Her lies are so damn apparent that all that you can visibly see is what you've found sticking up out from under the ocean ~ fact of the matter, much like an iceberg, what you have not seen equates to roughly 90% of the matter!

One's emotions should richly dictate whether to stay or leave, but judging solely by just the "common sense" elements, IMHO, she has given you little choice! 

To quote/paraphrase the book of John in 8:32, "and then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free!" *
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral

Keepin-my-head-up said:


> Where did you get these numbers?
> I ask because there is another thread that someone is saying that it is a little over 50% that cheating couples stay together.
> He would be wise to read the data on this


Google infidelity statistics s. Supposedly the reconcilliation rate in the UK is about fifty percent. The rate is much lower when the wife cheats than if the husband cheats.


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## wmn1

jld said:


> I doubt his son will feel that way about his mother.
> 
> Think hard before you consider an RA, notted. You are likely to lose your moral authority in the eyes of your son. He _will_ find out someday.
> 
> Why not just divorce?


This is true. However, you will lose the moral authority in your mind too. Don't get me wrong. Some people think that RA's are the quickest way to even the score and to put the cheater in your shoes. Thatis true. However, infidelity is infidelity, you lose the higher ground and become what you detest and who knows what you bring into your life as well. 

You aren't even in reconciliation mode yet and I am not pushing you either way. Just settle down, play things to your schedule and play them smart. but also find out the truth as well. Polygraph ?


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