# Wife and Best friend....



## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

Hello, I am new here. Found this site while looking up marriage counseling and other help. I guess I will just give my story and see what happens from there.

My wife and I have been together since High school, so about 8+ years now. We have been married for a over a year, and have 2 daughters. One is 17 months and one is 4 months old. My wife is 22 and I am 24. 
We had a shaky relationship in high school, which admittedly was my fault. I was a high school moron, boy. We broke up the year I graduated, and over the course of the summer, realized what I passed up, and how much I loved her. I started talking to her again, and BOOM we hooked back and she moved in with me. It was great for a very long time. 

Well 2 years ago, we started taking a turn for the worse. I was being lazy about the relationship and did not give her the attention she deserved and need at the time. She thought on my birthday was a good day to separate. After a lot of talking, we worked things out, and yet again going great. Just to find out 2 months later, (After we were working things out) she was fooling around with a guy via, internet and on the phone. Nothing Physical happened, but anything and everything that could happen over the internet and phone did. (Pictures, phone sex, video sex, etc, etc,). Well, I told her it would take a while but I was willing to work things out, if she was willing to work to get my trust back. After 6-8 months I forgave her, and we moved on. 

Now more present day matters. Or marriage has been rocky the last 2 months or so. (she claims to have been unhappy longer, fooled me). Then one day I sat her down and asked what the hell was going on. She said she wanted a divorce. I asked why, and after about 4 or 5 hours of arguing and talking, we came to the conclusion that we have a big communication issue. During this talk as well I asked her if she had, or has been cheating on me, because I just had that "gut" feeling. Well a week went by after the talk and things where looking up. Then I found out, that the week prior to our talk, her and our roommate (My best friend for 8 years) had attempted sex twice.
The first time both where drunk, and he wooed her. He rubbed her back listened to her cry, and her problems. Kissed her neck, etc, etc....About 2 or 4 minutes into, she got up and ran into our bedroom. The second time was just about a week later (So probably the day or 2 before we had the divorce talk) and she was sober, (supposed) thinking we where going to be threw anyway, while he was drunk kissed him, and "jumped" on top of him. That time I guess they went at it less then 30 seconds when he got up and ran out of the house, and has only slept back the apartment twice since. He is moving out, and we have decided to try to work things out. My only issue is, sometimes she seems to forget what happened. There are days that I find myself staring at the wall for about an hour thinking about everything. (Mind you this all happened in the last month) she then asks me whats wrong, and I sometimes tell her, sometimes I don't. 
She does come from a screwed up family, and the normal parts of her family, along with friends, and myself all think she needs help. But she gets angry when we mention it. We all also think she has postpartum, she had 2 kids right in a row, and her tubes tied all during her "party" years. I agreed to marriage counseling, but I have no idea what else I can do to keep our marriage working, and hopefully not get "burned" again. She says it was a dumb mistake, (and the first time a drunken mistake)....but I swear sometimes she acts like I am the one who did something wrong.

Like I said I don't really have a question just more or less a story and see what ever one here thinks.

Edit to ADD: I talked to her tonight, and asked if she feels bad, or remorse, dirty, hell anything. She said she feels bad, but wants to work on "us" and get this behind us. I don't know, is it just me, or does it seem kind of fast. She said she understands if I need time...


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

Sorry about the wall-o-text. I guess I am looking for opinions on the subject....I am giving her another chance. Is that a mistake? The thing is I love her so much it scares even me sometimes. Should I keep working at this and hope she does not do it again?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Admittedly you neglected your wife when she needed you the most.You can still save your marriage but both of you need to work on earning the trust back. Then she needs to heal and begin to trust in you again too... get it. how does she know you wont neglect her again?

In the same breath you need to heal from her betrayal. In order to achieve that she needs to step up. You both have a long road and finding this site is a start. In addition, MC counseling will help.

I neglected my wife for most of our 20 year marriage and just found out a year ago that she cheated on me with many men. One of them a best friend.

We healed fast because we were both willing to forgive each other and accept our part of the blame. One year after finding out we're renewing our vows 3 days after we celebrate our twentieth anniversary.


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

the guy said:


> Admittedly you neglected your wife when she needed you the most.You can still save your marriage but both of you need to work on earning the trust back. Then she needs to heal and begin to trust in you again too... get it. how does she know you wont neglect her again?
> 
> In the same breath you need to heal from her betrayal. In order to achieve that she needs to step up. You both have a long road and finding this site is a start. In addition, MC counseling will help.
> 
> ...


Wow...that is a big thing to swallow. I guess, I am having a hard time coping with that something that small, (which she never really talked to me about in the first place, (before the divorce talk)) would cause someone to cheat. Honestly it would take a hit of EX, a bottle of 151 (or two), and maybe an okay note from her to cheat...Just the way I was brought up.


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## Mustang! (Jan 17, 2011)

Bigwayneo,

Welcome, I'm sorry this has happened but from what I've read you definitely have a chance to save your marriage. The guy has a lot of great advice. You both need to accept responsibility for what happened. While what she did was very very wrong.. it happened for a reason. Cheating is ALWAYS the product of another problem. 

First and foremost you need to make sure that this cannot happen again. Its good that your "friend" is moving out but make sure they ZERO communication.. No FB, No calls, no texts, no emails, nothing. Its probably a good idea to do a no contact agreement. 

This is a very crucial time in the healing process. This is where she will either start lying and hiding things better, or commit to working things out with you completely. 

Your marriage still has hope and you are not wrong for wanting to work things out. But you cant live your life "hoping" she wont do it again. You need to make damn sure it NEVER happens again and take the appropriate steps to protect you marriage. Make sure she understands you will not tolerate that behavior.

Good luck.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Its not about the cheating. Should she get a note from you allowing her to neglect you while you take care of the kids for a couple of years... while she loses herself in a career or whatever. two wrongs wont make it better.

Remember the thing to look at is what caused the cheating... cheating was the end result of a problematice marriage. Fix the problem stops the cheating and repairs the marriage.

There was a reason my chick step out side the marriage. I found that, and will do what it takes that my family will never go through the sh*t I went through when I was growing up.

I have to believe that the both of you want the same thing, and it is a matter of training, so with the right training your marriage will succeed. Go get some MC!


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

We already planned on the MC. Only problem is paying for it right now. (due to some job problems) we are both un-insured. Though are kids are mind you. I am Atheist to the core, so a pastor will not work either, we thought about that. So hopefully we can find someway to get it in. Is it normal for her to act like nothing happened? It has only been a 2 weeks since I found out, and I find my self still full of different emotions all the time, and sometimes just staring for 20+ minutes at a wall, or my dinner, thinking about what happened, and they did.....Not being able to get it out of my head. Then she asks whats wrong, I tell her if she wants to know, I will tell her, but that she should know... Then for example, the "roommates" last day is tonight, and she gave me hassel when I asked her to stay somewhere else with the kids for the one night, was that wrong of me? I don't think it is, being I work the graveyard shifts (not to much longer), and I wont be able to work worrying about what might still happen.


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## Mustang! (Jan 17, 2011)

No that is not wrong to think that way. Like I said you need to make sure they have zero contact. But since he lives there its dificult. However I dont think your wife should be the one to leave. Mabye your roomate should stay somewhere else until you are available to oversee him moving out. 

I think it is normal for her to act like nothing happened. It might be that she is embarassed and she's not yet ready to fully accept the gravity of the situation. Also guilt could play a role. I would say just give her some time to come to terms with it. 

As for a MC I wouldnt count out a pastor or chaplin. Although their role is a religiouse one they still have expirience dealing with these situations. Maybe you could explain to them that the two of you just need marriage counseling and make sure he is aware of your beliefs. If he pushes religion on you then leave and find one new one. Since your short on cash this could just be a temporary solution until you can find a regular MC.


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

Well, the thing is the roommate is moving out in the next week, maybe sooner. But, he has been staying at another place the whole time, but he needs to stay at the apartment one more night, because he has no place to bring his kids, (and timing wise, the lease is up). Otherwise I would agree with you on that one. It is one night, I will talk to her in the morning and tell her, I understand why she is upset about me asking that, but she needs to understand it is one night while I work. He has stayed there one other night last week, but I was home as well.

Maybe we will try the Pastor. Hopefully the one we would use can exclude religion out of the factor, but I doubt it.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

Hi Bigwayneo, Sorry to hear of your troubles. Your emotions are normal and typical of so many on this site and very much like those affected by infidelity.

You can fix your marriage with councelling and learning to communicate. The pastor idea sounds good. I am of a certain religion but don't mind discussing my "healing" with those of other religions. In my mind, I replace the name of "their" God, with "My Higher Power". In the end, it's all the same.

I agree that she shouldn't be alone with "him". No need to stir up emotions.

My wife was "forgetful" as well. She was even forgeting about things she had already told me. She revealed some physical things and then months later, said "nothing happened". I said "how his he putting his fingers in the wrong place and sucking on your t*ts NOTHING". Her reply, "oh yeah, I forgot about that!" How do you commit adultery after 15 years of marriage and just forget about the events of that infidelity? I think it's something psychological that protects their mind from the guilt & hurt of the experience. Why "forget" about something that you've already revealed if not to protect yourself.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Your best friend was also living with you and your wife? If so, that's always a recipe for disaster.

I would give her the "three strikes and you're out" speech though.


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## Mustang! (Jan 17, 2011)

Just make sure when she does choose to reveal something, dont get mad or upset. Instead be thankful that she's deciding to come forth with the imformation willingly. While some things might be hurtful to hear, having to dig and find out yourself is way worse.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

All great advice. I too always wondered how he could forget so easily. I think it's all what has been said. Part guilt, not wanting to think about the hurt they caused or how badly they acted, what they did, etc. Not because they don't feel bad it, because they do.

Do either of you have an EAP at your work? I guess that usually comes as part of the benefits package so if you don't have that, you probably don't. But wouldn't hurt to check. It's usually provided by the employer. 

My hubby is not religious either. The MC we went to wasn't but I had to make sure to say that when they were looking for one. (I went through our EAP) I told them they could not bring up religon. 

Good Luck to you. You can work through this and save your marriage. (My H's A was with one of MY best friends.)


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

I'm not trying to be a jerk, but are your sure that she has disclosed everything about these encounters? It seems kind of odd that they "tried" to be physical two times and that both times it lasted just a few minutes and never got to the finish line. Rather, it ended with one or both them running away in other directions. I might buy it if it was just the one time when they were both really drunk, but it's a little hard to believe as she puts it. 

Listen, my H has never admitted anything of substance so I just have to put all the pieces together in my own head. I get it. People in this situation usually don't come clean, at least not entirely. I just want you to be prepared when you go to MC and really start working through this that they could have been together a lot more and it could have been a lot more intense than she's telling you. Although she cheated, she doesn't look too awful horrible right now with the way that she described these two encounters. She knows that. The less terrible it looks, she knows the better chance she has for your forgiveness. The friend knows that too so just watch and be prepared for what they call the "trickle truth". 

Good luck!


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

Thanks for all the advice! I am really trying to make things work out. Though today she is very distance, and seems very annoyed. Which kind of makes me depressed, and I ask her whats wrong and she says nothing, and seems annoyed when I ask. Yeah, I should have figured that it would have been bad knowing his history, but I never thought he would cross that line with me.

Blownaway- She might not be. But I talked to him about details as well, and though they were not dead on to the facts there stories were pretty similar. The only be disagreement was what happened the first time. I guess he was so drunk her barley remembers the fine details. But like I said, the details where not spot on to each other, but close enough to see that its probably true. 

I also told her that I would do my best not to get angry with any new information, and be more thankful that she is telling me these things. So I hope once that sinks in, if there is any more she can tell me and I won't blow up. But hopefully there really is nothing else.


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

Blownaway- I guess you where right, at least partly. I told her she could tell me anything, and that I would not get upset with her. (Though I could not promise anything else) She told me every little detail....and I got sick to my stomach all night. They really only did things twice. BUT, she never got up and stopped due to her "feelings". The first time my Daughter woke up.... supposedly that knocked some sense into her and she cried all night (doubtful). and the second night the OM stopped it. She said she probably would have kept going other wise. BUT, in light of all this, the OM I learned is a total scum sucker. The worst part to me isn't the sex any more, its the EA she also had going on with him for a while. They were making out (before the first time) when my daughter woke up, she then put her to bed, then walked out to find him in his boxers and he put her arms around her and walked her into his room.......That will be in my head for a long time. Knowing all this, should I keep trying? I want to be with her, is this good news she is telling me things with out worry? Is it bad that she didn't even care or think about myself or my daughters at all? For 2 weeks she had me thinking everything was 100%. We talked about divorce or working things out, we were working things out, went on dates, talked...then I found out and 2 weeks later learned the gritty, stomach turning, me throwing up, details.....


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## Mustang! (Jan 17, 2011)

Remember I said if she opens up it might be hurtful. But how much more hurtful would it be to have to find out on your own or from someone else? The fact that she opened up and told you is a great sign. Most women refuse to talk about any details or just stick to their guns and say nothing happened. 

I know how you feel. You ask yourself how could she do these things with another man? Was I just so unimportant that she didnt even care to stop? How can I ever feel important again? 

And the image of these acts only makes those thought worse. But I can tell you its probably better than what your imagination would come up with. 

I'm only 1 month in from my Dday so dealing with all these things are very hard for still. But from what I read it does get easier.


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

Thanks mustang. I hope your right. While at worked we talked. I told her how bad it hurts to think of him holding her, even more then the sex I think. She then kept saying sorry, and asked if I was going to turn cold on her... I told her, I don't want to, but I cant promise I wont either...


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

I'm really sorry to hear that, but I would have to agree that it is a good thing that she's opening up and divulging the details. My WH continues to lie about everything. Not that I had the choice or chance to try to work it out, but I think he's so ashamed of this whole thing that he minimizes and rationalizes with the best of them.

As to what to do now, my advice would be to take it slow. This is raw for you right now. You need to get in front of the MC and see where things go. My IC says that the BS has to do an awful lot of work because of the level of deceit and betrayal, but some people can really get there.

Your questions about how she could do this are obviously common among our group. From what I've seen and read, a lot of it has to do with the fact that she is, in some way, broken. Her opinion of herself may be at an all time low. Her opinion of her abilities as a wife and mother may be right there too. These are no excuses, mind you, but apparently, affairs a lot of the time are born out of depression and low self esteem in the WS. You may hear some things that will really surprise you as you move through this process.

For now, hang in there and be kind to yourself.


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

Thanks Blownaway. I agree with your broken comment. Her dad and mom both have had several divorces, and both have cheated on there partners several times. Just an example of how ****ty (though never beat her, thankfully) they are, her mother moved to Florida and did not tell her for a month, and her father Amansipated her at 17 without telling her so he would not have to pay child support anymore....That is not even close to the worst of it. The bad part is she did tell me at one point in another in the last 5 to 8 months that she did feel some of the things you mentioned. Like a bone head I just ignored it, or treated it as dumb.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Those thought will eat you a live, as soon as they get in your head force them out. Think about someting positive like the effort she put into being open or the great posibility that you are working on rebuilding a marriage, anything that will replace that dark thought.

You will be doing this this every second of the day, in 6 month you'l be forcing them out every minitue, by 1 year it will be every hour, so point being it does get better.

For me I have a new marriage with new behaviors that I focus on so that I...we don't repeat the same behaviors that got us to the point of her filling a void.

Good friends or strangers it is all BS and the reality is what the two of you have and what the future will bring. Those OM's where just bandaid for her.. that took advantage of weak married women. Our spouses were just looking for things that filled a void and the vampires came in and took what was not thiers. 

We have all learned here and we all have the oppertunity to make a healthy change. With or with out our chicks. I know if my chick left I still won't do the sh*t I did to her in my next relationship. But she stayed and we are working it out, she is helping me heal.

More importantly is my imagination is not controling my thoughts, her details are so ugly that I know what went on and can now move past the acts them selves and just deal with the fact that it happened. Its been a year and I am not focused on who was on top, how they held each other, or how long it went on, but that it happened period and what we need to do to prevent it from happening again.

Again this is just my point of view and the experience I have had. 

Sorry for the spelling, its hard to watch the game and type at the smae time.


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

the guy, Thanks for the advice and the words. I know its only been a day (kinda 2) and I figured that the sooner I try to get the details out the sooner we can try to move on. It's great you and your other are moving on, and that she stayed to work it out! I find your vampire metaphor perfect! I (and the rest of the apartment building) have been just calling him a sleez.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

Bigwayneo, Sit the Mrs. down and let her know that you would like to hear the details, as painful as they are so that you can stop imagining things and put it all behind you. There are stages to go through to heal from infidelity and complete open and honest revelation is the first stage.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Yes. Don't cave and give in so quickly. Love is not about what you can put up with, but whom you can't live without. Check out extramarital affairs expert Peggy Vaughn's resources @ DearPeggy.com - Extramarital Affairs Resource Center. 

Love can be painful, but working it out can be very rewarding. A friend of mine who counsels says that the marriages which recover are the strongest marriages of all.

Best,

Lyn


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

Thanks lyn! But after what I learned this morning...I don't know if I am going to keep trying with her. Even after our divorce talk (before I found out about the Affair) she was still sexting him....I found out she was not even that drunk, or drunk that much. She was flirting with him the whole night on my birthday, and if they had the chances, they would have done it several more times. I have been breaking down all morning, even though I have to watch my kids, and I promised I would never do that. 
I know everyone keeps telling that this would happen, this "trickle truth" and that it would be better to find out everything to move on. But, honestly...I just don't know. I still do love her, though I wonder if that is a mistake. I always thought we would be together till we got buried in the dirt....but I just don't know. I know its still really early but I live with her, I told her we would work it out...though somedays I can not even tell if she feels guilty, or if she cares. I have to watch my kids 5 days a week, and the only other place I can live is my parents, and I hate living out with them. (not because of them, but because they live so out of the way) What the hell do I do? Do I stay strong and keep working at things or give it up?


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