# New Here - My Story RAMBLING POST



## atjust0327 (Oct 14, 2009)

Hello - I just found this site today and have spent time reading your posts. I don't know what I'm looking for here - maybe to just connect to someone who is going through what I am.

I've been married nearly 10 years - got married very young. I don't really know why - I guess we felt some type of instant connection to one another. We had our first daughter about a year later and another one three years ago. 

Maybe it was because we got married so fast or so young or both, but over time we have grown apart. Most people that know us probably would never think this of us - my husband and I both managed to go to college and live a fairly successful life. I think we put on a good show - we love each other, but it has grown to be incredibly platonic. 

We are completely cordial - there's never any fighting - probably because neither of us likes confrontation. I really wanted to stay married and felt like I needed to just keep the peace and go about my business to do so. The result: I'm so unhappy. I feel alone even when I'm not. I feel like I've just been let down over and over again. I'm jealous of my friends who's husband's seem to actually care about them, want to spend time with them, or actually acknowledge their presence. 

I can't put my finger on what's really wrong - I feel guilty because I know that other people probably have it worse than I do. He doesn't abuse me - he's a relatively good dad and an okay husband. But there's just nothing there - and there hasn't been for a long time - I'm talking years. 

A couple weeks ago, things came to a head. We had a car break down and it could cost more than it was worth to repair it. We discussed it and decided we wouldn't fix it if it was under a certain amount. The next day, my husband authorized charges that FAR EXCEEDED what we decided together. I freaked out - did I mention he is not working - or even looking for work really? I felt like, hey you are spending money that I've been busting my hiney to earn so I can feed this family and you go blow it after we decided together we wouldn't. I felt completely disrespected and completely taken for granted. I don't think he would have made that decision if he had to work for a month to pay for it!

I asked him to go home to his parent's house for a couple weeks- not only because of the car expenditure, but because he's not working or trying to find work and sits at home all day playing on the internet and there just seems to be no love left between us. I know this may all sound pretty stupid and I know it probably is. I think it kind of shows me how completely on edge I have been that this would *essentially lead to my divorce.

Since he's been gone, I realize that he really isn't contributing much if anything to my life. He hasn't called me once, I've had to call him. I know that sounds immature - I just hoped he'd be thinking of me. Really. It's been pretty devastating for me to reach this conclusion. Today I asked him not to come back and that I wanted a divorce or at the least a legal separation. He freaked out. I don't know what's going to happen. I'm not sure what he wants - or really what I want. I just know that I need more than this.

I've been crying ever since. I don't know if I made the right decision. I can't take it back now. I think this is what I want, but I'm really scared. 

There's obviously a lot more but I'm pretty tired of thinking of it today. It's been a long day....


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

atjust0327 said:


> I've been crying ever since. I don't know if I made the right decision. I can't take it back now. I think this is what I want, but I'm really scared....


atjust, I am sorry you are going through this. I think you came to the right place to get some support or at least a please to vent. Hopefully others will chime in here and comment on your situation.

In your comment above did you mean take back asking for a divorce or where you talking about the right decision about being married? If you are talking about the divorce of course you can take it back - anything can be undone if both of you value and want to save your marriage. Maybe this will be a wake up call to your H about how you have been feeling. I will say this though you both need to have a very calm quite talk about how you each feel and about what is going on with you.

I don't quite understand why your H is just sitting at home and not looking for a job. From your post, I gather that he has a college degree so I am kind of wondering what it is he is waiting on.

On another note, you said you married young. One thing that may be going on with him is that he is not mature enough to know how keep things interesting in your marriage. I mean, he needs to know that you are feeling unloved, missing passion and that you need that to feel wanted, needed and loved - I promise you he needs the same thing. My W and I had a similer problem and the resolution was for us to recognize each others needs and make adjustments to feed each others needs. After 10 years of marriage and children you tend lose that edge. When you had your first child you probably put so much attention on that child that your H became 2nd hand - that's probably where he learned to take care of himself and not you. I am just interjecting an idea there becuase that is what happened to me; its a vicious circle. She pays more attention to the kids, I need as much affection, I don't get it so I don't give it then over time dissatisfaction with each other creeps up on you and then a few years down the road you resent each other. The funny thing is that open, straightforward and honest communication is vital to marriage - that's where we failed and from reading these posts; that's where many failed.

If you both love each other and are willing to work on your marriage you need to let him know that you care about him and that you need his attention and that you feel alone.

Well, that's a lot of ranting on my part. Let's see what others have to say.


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## blah (Oct 14, 2009)

Hi, sorry about your situation. I know how much it hurts to be in this position. I honestly don't know what advice to give you because I am going through the same thing. I was married fairly young as well, and had a child very soon after. I honestly don't know how some people stay married for thirty years. I admire them, because right now I don't feel like I can do it, and I have only been married for four years. Well, sorry I probably wasn't any help. But let me know how things are going for you. We are going through the same thing and it is nice to know that I am not alone too. Keep your head up. There has to be happiness down the road


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

brighterlight said:


> If you are talking about the divorce of course you can take it back - anything can be undone if both of you value and want to save your marriage. Maybe this will be a wake up call to your H about how you have been feeling. I will say this though you both need to have a very calm quite talk about how you each feel and about what is going on with you.


:iagree:

actually, with brighterlight's entire post...

on this point, you may want to read 'The 5 Love Languages' by Chapman...it may help you understand how you've been feeling and may help you both going forward.

Resentment can build over time and sort of creep up on you until one day you say 'Life is too short...I deserve to feel loved' and it's hard to imagine getting the love you want/need from your spouse because 'If he really loved me, he'd be doing all these things on his own...I shouldn't have to ask'...In reality, sometimes you do need to communicate your needs and put one another at the top of the priority list...he may be thinking 'I need sex 3-5 times a week and she should know that...she should initiate if she really loved me' and then when it doesn't happen, become distant and resentful. It can work both ways in the marriage and really fall apart if you don't take stock, drop egos and really have a heart to heart.


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## atjust0327 (Oct 14, 2009)

Thank you to all of you! I'm sorry it's taken me so long to reply - I've been pretty out of it the last few days. We got into a huge fight on Wednesday and I ended up telling him I thought a divorce would be best. I meant it when I said it - this was the first time those words have ever actually came out of my mouth....and when they did, they led to an ever bigger fight. I cried my heart out all day Wednesday and most of Thursday and decided to try one last time to speak to him from my heart. I told him I wanted to do some serious marriage counseling before we actually called it quits - he agreed that he wanted to do that also. I felt so much better after that, but am actually feeling weird about it again. He is not here (out of town staying with his family) and after this conversation more than a day ago, I have not heard from him. So, I hoped things would change after this...I don't know what I expected to happen though. He is suppose to come home today, I had to send him a message asking him when he'd be here and got a one work reply - 2pm....like always. 

I don't know if this is going to work


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

What has he said with respect to his minimal communication when you've brought it up in the past?

I sort of don't feel surprised that he's not talking right now though. I suspect he's doing a lot of thinking and panicking -- without a job he probably feels a lot less of a man and his self-esteem is probably in the toilet and he may be wondering why you'd even want to hear from him...


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## atjust0327 (Oct 14, 2009)

In the past when I have brought it up he's basically just told me that he is the way he is. He know's it'a problem and says he's try to communicate better - it pretty much doesn't change though.

I think you may be right in regards to how he feels about himself. I can't help him if he won't admit there is a problem.

I feel like he's not being honest with me and may be continueing to figure out how to move out of town.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

It sounds like things have hit a bit of a crisis for you both - and you know what they say - in a crisis do nothing....
try and look at it this way 
you've finally got a lot of things that needed saying off your chest...and you have asked your H to respond ...
it is early days yet..and words are just that ...
If you are both willing to get some counselling I'd say you guys have a good chance of working things out...
it is not fair on yourself nor on your H to make this decision quickly -
it is obvious that you still care about him (you wonder why he doesn't call etc.) 
I agree with dobo who said he is probably feeling pretty low right now - 
and you did ask him to leave - 
I wouldn't be surprised that he's not contacting you -
He needs to find his power and his self -respect - unless he feels like the man and husband he needs to be for you he will probably stay away...


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