# Dont know what to do, completely conflicted



## DodgingRain (Jun 25, 2013)

History:
Been married 20 years, together for 4 before that. It's had it's good and bad times. 2 kids, 19 and 13.

Sex life was never that great. Often went months years ago without out it. Not sure what her reasoning for that was. At times I'd just give up and get more and more resentful I guess. Things have improved some over the recent years to 1 or twice a week sometimes. Then something happened and her hormones went crazy or something. It was all of a sudden all the time. And she was looking at every man with two legs, had porn on her phone, etc. She started spending time in the gym and dropped about 50lbs. Of course the gym was at work and mostly filled with men who she started conversations, etc. with. I don't know that anything did or did not happen.

Three months ago she volunteered for a project at work that has a significant amount of travel. There was 2 weeks in December and she is gone again already in January. There is no pay increase involved with this, no promption, nothing and it was strictly voluntary. She also makes significantly less than half of my income but she has good insurance/benefits while I do not. I have 2 years of her take home pay in cash that I don't consider part of our retirement funding.

There was no discussion about the volunteered project, I was just hit over the head with it one day when I got home. I had no opportunity to express how I feel about it or take part in the decision which obviously affects the entire family. I have a long history of abandonment issues that she is aware of going back to my childhood and occurring multiple times. One incident put me in the hospital for several days as I couldn't cope about 5 years ago. I have medication for it but it's only a very short term assist. The drugs last about 2-4 hours at best and have addictive side effects.

I really don't know what to do. When she leaves I completely freak out due to my mental illness to the point of within an hour or two I'm ready to move out or change the locks or go get my own apartment. I've signed up on match.com, etc. In most of my life I've done ok by attacking problems head on and getting them fixed. In this there is nothing I can do, the source of the problem is her and see isn't there. I end up suffering for days while she is gone in a completely conflicted state yo-yo'ing between things maybe being ok to outright panic. why is she intentionally doing something that hurts me? Isn't that pretty much emotional abuse when someone does it over and over and then does things like expecting make up sex?

Yes it's the mental illness and I know that but she is doing something intentionally that triggers it and she knows that. It also doesn't seem to bothers her. It sure as hell would bother me if I was doing something that was causing her a lot of pain intentionally over and over. It would rip me up until there was just no way I could keep doing it.

If I bring it up its either going to be entirely blamed on my mental illness or that I'm not being supportive and I'm being selfish (there's no value to the volunteer thing at all for the family's perspective). She has not taken any responsibility at all for making the decisions she is making.

I don't know what to do. This is ripping me apart to the point that I want to leave in order to feel ok again.


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## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

At first read there are a few things that are troubling. I think the lack of discussion from her regarding the travel/volunteer project is wrong. This should have been discussed with you first...whether there was a pay increase, would it be worth it because she will be away from the kids, etc. The decision to take the project affects BOTH of YOU, not just her. 
The not-so-great sex life is concerning as well...months without sex not good for a marriage. Was this discussed either?

You need to bring up the fact that she should have discussed the work issue of taking on a travel project with you first. Sounds like you two need marriage counseling asap.


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## DodgingRain (Jun 25, 2013)

I've tried to say that that decision wasn't fair to me. I don't even get an apology. Its thrown back on me that the only reason it a problem is because of my mental health issues or that they had to know right away. There also hasn't been any planning around when she is going to be gone. It's constantly changing. I'll get promises that she won't be leaving for months and then two days later there is another trip scheduled for a week out.

I'm so beyond angry frustrated and hurt that I don't want to talk to her when she is going as I would probably say things that are not very nice. Its easier to go dark when she is gone which means I'm going to get complaints that I'm not communicating. But if I do communicate about how I feel about this is going to be my fault for not being supportive and my fault for having mental illness problems or other times she just simply doesn't see to care what I say like my feelings don't matter at all in this.


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## MRR (Sep 14, 2015)

you signed up on match.com? Is that your solution? I hope you put yourself as currently married on there.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

She should have talked to you about this project before taking it on, but she is doing it so accept it. You need to get some help, a spouse should be able to go way for work or vacation without the other spouse freaking out about it. It sounds like you think she is cheating but until you have proof then don't assume that. How do you know she is looking at men at the gym? Are you there? It sounds like her weight loss has increased your jealousy and insecurities. You are the one who is cheating so she should be thinking about leaving you (I know I would be). Get some help with your mental health problem before you destroy a 20 year marriage with your insecurities and paranoia.


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## DodgingRain (Jun 25, 2013)

Happilymarried25 said:


> She should have talked to you about this project before taking it on, but she is doing it so accept it. You need to get some help, a spouse should be able to go way for work or vacation without the other spouse freaking out about it. It sounds like you think she is cheating but until you have proof then don't assume that. How do you know she is looking at men at the gym? Are you there? It sounds like her weight loss has increased your jealousy and insecurities. You are the one who is cheating so she should be thinking about leaving you (I know I would be). Get some help with your mental health problem before you destroy a 20 year marriage with your insecurities and paranoia.





> How do you know she is looking at men at the gym?[/END QUOTE]
> 
> She tells me she is looking at other guys and it obvious she is making compairisons. She tells me about doing arm wrestling and other physical contact that is going on. And shows me the porn she has on her phone.
> 
> I'm not cheating and have never considered doing that, there are far better more efficient sites for hookups other than match.com if I were bothing with that. I signed up for match.com out of planning to leave, similar to the same day I did research on appartments. I have not contacted anyone and my account is setup so no one else can contact me on match. These are actions for preparting to leave, nothing more.


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## DodgingRain (Jun 25, 2013)

She should have talked to you about this project before taking it on, but she is doing it so accept it.????


Really? If I decide to move to Africa just because I want to your rational is that I should talk to her but if I don't bother too its her issue?


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## hotshotdot (Jul 28, 2015)

She should have talked to you about the project before volunteering, so why didn't she? Do you think she knew you'd disagree & really wanted it so didn't ask you? I think it's important to have a discussion about why she didn't ask you first. I don't know her, but when you describe your separation anxiety & abandonment issues it makes me wonder if she feels trapped by your mental illness & decided not to ask because she feared you would get upset & tell her no, figuring you were going to be upset either way she might as well get what she wants. Just saying, the reason most people don't ask for permission ahead of time is when they either expect their spouse will agree wholeheartedly or they know they will be told no way & they really want it anyway. If she thinks you're always going to say no without a real discussion & understanding of why it's important to her & she can't possibly convince you to agree, you are also responsible for her not wanting talking to you about it. So how do you think it would have gone if she had approached you first? If you want her to talk to you then you need to be approachable & understanding, if she knows you're never going to even consider it then that's not really a discussion, it's control & she will avoid talking to you. 

I think you guys need to go to counseling to work on your communication. You also need to understand that just because you are controlled by your mental illness doesn't mean she should be controlled by it too. It's really not fair to expect her to give up things that matter to her just because you have issues. Of course she should take your feelings into consideration, but when your illness makes you feel something irrational why should she be punished... This is coming from someone who has anxiety and depression myself, although I expect my hubby to empathize with me I don't expect him to tiptoe around my anxiety either.


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## hotshotdot (Jul 28, 2015)

One more thing...when someone is planning to leave a marriage, those plans don't include signing up for a dating site. That's not something that should even be considered until after you have officially split. You should be focusing on either fixing the marriage or arranging for divorce, not on finding a replacement before you're even separated, only cheaters do that.


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