# Am I being selfish?



## Stuckinrut (Feb 24, 2013)

I have not been on here for a year or so but here is a little review...My wife has some mental issues (OCD, Depression, Bulimia and body image issues) which have gotten much better over last couple years. We are mid 30s and married for over 10 yrs. I am very proud of the big strides she has made in last 5 yrs with the mental stuff. I love her very much and I think I have been very patient and understanding with her problems. The big issue here is our sex life. I can put up with a lot of crap if I am getting action on a regular basis. We have had times early in our relationship that sex was once a month or so and I almost lost my sanity but because of the metal issues I tried my best to keep my mouth shut and deal with it.

Now she is doing much better after being on some meds and taking some counceling to help get through the rough patches. I would like a better sex life! I don't think she cares if we ever have it again which is a kick in the teeth for me. She has been very good with fulfilling my needs lately about 10X a month I would love it everyday but hey it sure beats once a month. What I don't like its the same every time like a broken record. Either mission style usually with her shirt on or doggy if she is feeling more shy. I have been asking to sleep in the nude for 10 yrs never happens not even on my birthday. The other thing is 95% of the time its me asking. if I just try some moves and try get her is the mood she is like "hey what are you doing don't do that I am _______" always an excuse. I have pretty much given up on that method. Once in awhile she will ask "Hey want a quicky before I get in the shower?" Then I say sometimes why cant you just "DO" instead of ask? Just act like you want some attention would be a day maker for me. NEVER HAPPENS

I tell her I need some variety and some skin on skin stuff. She says she doesn't want me to HAVE to look at her. (She is a beautiful woman 130lbs with nice tatas.) I tell her how beautiful she it and nice body and she just rolls her eyes. I think I am a normal male when I say it would make my day to see her naked. It is so frustrating to have a knockout body laying next to you and you cant see it. Then the sex part I love giving her oral but she hates it she says it grosses her out so that's ok. She has gave me a couple bjs when I begged many many times. A couple weeks ago I pulled a back muscle and she offered to give me a back rub which was nice and I really enjoyed then I said how about a rub and suck on the front that would do more than rubbing my back she said no she doesn't like that she said we could have piv later well she must have meant a day or two later. Maybe she has just grown up doing only what she wants...idk. Sex is better than no sex but our sex life is just like the rest of her ocd day all repetitive the exact same thing again and again.* I guess I just would love to feel needed and wanted is what it comes down to.* *I would suck the poop off her butt or drink her piss if she really wanted me to I don't want to but if she wants she will get just wish it was a two way street.* Should I feel bad for wanting more or because of these mental issues should I just be happy for what I got?


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

No you should not feel bad for wanting more but at the same time you should probably be realistic that she just does not have the same interest in sex that you do and instead of dwelling on what you can't change you should focus on the good things. 

Everyone has moments in their life when they have to decide if the price is worth it or maybe they should move on. If you have children than that gives you additional responsibilities. 

At least you have two positions and 10 times a month would sound great to a lot of people around here. I think you should try to make what you have as good as possible.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I believe what you are craving is passion. Although not unreasonable it may be unrealistic. Some people have it and some people not so much. Those lacking it have no concept of your desire for it as they have no understanding. In reality, ten times per month is better than 10 times per year. If your wife is willing to acquiesce with that frequency then you are (possibly way) ahead of many here in terms of regularity.

I know you want more but many here would trade for your frequency even as vanilla as it is. I firmly believe in open, honest communication and perhaps it would be worthwhile to have a very heartfelt conversation with your wife explaining how you perceive her and your feelings towards intimacy. That route is seldom successful but your options are limited and you have little to lose.


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## Stuckinrut (Feb 24, 2013)

Thanks for some honest opinions. I should say the frequency is not my problem. Its the me having to ask or beg every time. I have tried waiting till she brings it up but that never happens. I just feel not needed or wanted. I feel like I am a big thorn in her side when I have to ask. I hate it when I try kissing her neck or something trying to get her warmed up and get rejected. 

Like tonight she is laying in bed watching sex in the city with phone in hand on Facebook. They are talking about sex and vibrators non stop on this show getting me all reved up and she doesn't even think hey " why don't we get it on instead of watching it on this stupid show" oh well I guess I am just wishing I was this dude on this show getting hunted down by this chick.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Stuckinrut said:


> Thanks for some honest opinions. I should say the frequency is not my problem. Its the me having to ask or beg every time. I have tried waiting till she brings it up but that never happens. I just feel not needed or wanted. I feel like I am a big thorn in her side when I have to ask. I hate it when I try kissing her neck or something trying to get her warmed up and get rejected.
> 
> Like tonight she is laying in bed watching sex in the city with phone in hand on Facebook. They are talking about sex and vibrators non stop on this show getting me all reved up and she doesn't even think hey " why don't we get it on instead of watching it on this stupid show" oh well I guess I am just wishing I was this dude on this show getting hunted down by this chick.



Hi Stuck, glad to hear your wife is coping so much better.

What you're looking for from your wife would be a good goal for her to shoot for in terms of learning a healthy body image, not to mention just needing to feel loved by her, but it might be pie in the sky for right now.

If she is taking psychotropic meds, these likely interfere with her sex drive and her ability to orgasm.

You cannot expect her to enthusiastically love offering something she hates.

I hate broccoli and no amount of talking, no recipe will make me like it. I prepare it for my family because they like it. But when I bake a chocolate cake... I can't wait to serve it! I am very enthusiastic about putting it out so we can all salivate over it before it's time to cut into it. I have several cake pedistals for different seasons and reasons and love seeing my yummy cake being displayed. Broccoli...? I cook it and dump it into a serving bowl. 

Your wife thinks her body is broccoli and you want her to serve it up like chocolate cake. In time she could learn to do that. But only if she is aware that's what you want her to do and if she learns how to do it.


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## Marriedwithdogs (Jan 29, 2015)

Glad Anon talked about how the meds can mess with ones sex drive. I'm actually surprised she's up for it ten times a month...which is the average btw. All marriages get stuck in a rut sometimes. While you're having sex do you ever say, "hey let's move in this position",or try moving her around? What does she say when you tell her you are getting bored with your sex life(in a more graceful way of course)?

Please don't base your whole relationship on the type of sex you are having. If you generally enjoy each other's company,and there are other good things you recognize about her then you guys have a decent marriage and are in a better place than half the marriages here!! Ever heard the saying, she/he loves her/him, they just don't know how to show it. She probably has no idea how the love connection ties into sex. Sex in marriage is not always a hanging from chandelier experience. The minute we feel that our marriage sucks, if every encounter isn't a ten, is the minute we loose reality.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I'm going to give a slightly differing view here.

My ex wife was almost exactly how you describe yours - eating disorder, depression, OCD, lack of sexual interest, including oral. (also a big fan of Sex and the City). If you didn't mention you'd been together for 10 years, I'd almost have thought you were talking about her...

Anyway, the above issues don't always have much, if anything, to do with sexual attitudes. When she and I met, she had all those issues, yet we went at it like rabbits for the first few years, and not just "vanilla", either. Over time, it turned into more what you're describing.

What I'm trying to say is to not jump to the most obvious reasons why your sex life with her is the way it is. It's not necessarily her mental issues that are affecting it. She's clearly willing to have sex up to 10x a month, and no, she probably doesn't feel "sexy", but honestly, who does? The way we feel about our bodies (men and women) are rarely positive, yet they generally don't impact our respective sex lives, especially with our long term partners/spouses.

The thing that is most tricky about living with somebody like this is that compliments and ego-building (even if true) rarely make a dent in how they feel about themselves. You could find your wife is the sexiest, hottest woman you've ever met and tell her this several times a day, and she won't hear you, won't believe you, and likely won't care.

My advice, and I'm not guaranteeing it'll work for you, is this: generally ignore her over all mental issues (unless it gets severe and/or harmful), and stop trying to reassure her about things like her body image. Believe it or not, telling her she looks great or is sexy or this or that can end up being more harmful in the long run, particularly if your wife doesn't believe you - which is common. You run the risk of her building up resentment over time, as she'll believe you're only saying these things because you "have to". Sounds ridiculous, I know, but it happens.

The second thing is to stop pursuing her immediately. People with OCD and anxiety (not to mention eating disorders) already have their plates full, so to speak. The brain is working over time just to get through the day, and it's exhausting. Add on the pressure of having to perform for your husband and, again, resentment builds up. It's just one more thing she feels she has to do, which is NOT how you want your sex life to be.

I spent many many years changing my life to suit my ex wifes, and happily, I might add. I thought I was doing the right thing, being supportive, understanding, etc. But when all was said and done, it ended up that I was simply catering to her and making it easier for her to continue on her path. That's not to say that the opposite angle would have worked, either (ie. be a drill sergeant). In retrospect, what I should have done was continue on my own path and not help her follow hers. I don't mean ignore her issues and/or not be by her side. I mean not to feed her issues by doing things like telling her it's okay and she'll get better, etc.

I went through a good 2 years or so where I hit a middle ground with her. I stopped catering to her every need and I stopped pursuing her so often. I was still there for her, but I didn't placate her the way she was used to, either. What ended up happening is that she started to pursue me a little bit. She started to take matters into her own hands, including seeking outside help for her issues. I was no longer babying her and holding her hand every step of the way. She also started coming to me for sex occasionally. Not saying this is a sure-fire way of turning things around, but it helped me (and her) when I took a step back.

A word of caution, however (and this certainly is not how all these types of relationships end up, so don't let it scare you), but my ex wife did end up getting proper help along the way. Like many with mental issues such as hers, she swung wildly in the opposite direction, which is common. She over-compensated and seemed to be looking to make up for lost time, and not with me.

It's a dangerous game to get involved with people who have such disorders, as if/when they seek help and make progress, it's not difficult for them to see you as part of the past and no longer needed. Or worse, that they married you BECAUSE of their issues. In other words, that you were what the "old" them needed at that time.

What ends up happening is that they see themselves as somebody completely different. Not just "the old me". They often don't recognize themselves after getting help. They feel like a completely different person and consciously or subconsciously try to remove any and all traces of the old them. It's the unfortunate side effect of mental healing.

My wife, I believe, let herself think that she could do better (and perhaps she could have, I don't know). She eventually got to a point where she was relatively happy with her body, and she started to dress as such with her new-found confidence. This lead to many (many) men who she otherwise thought wouldn't ever look at her, doing just that (and more), and it went to her head, and led to her trashing the marriage. Again, over compensating, making up for lost time. Not seeing the forest for the trees.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I think with all the porn available today that it is easy to imagine that we are missing out if our real sex life is fairly vanilla. 

The grass greener on the other side of the fence syndrome. 

I do not recall seeing my wife's breasts in the past decade. We have one position once a week same time same everything. (with a few exceptions on time)

Dwelling on that or expecting her to change who she is is not reasonable or productive.

I avoid being rejected by not asking (unless I have a good chance of success)

But I have to give her some credit. She learned to accept giving oral sex as part of foreplay and has actually managed to get quite good at it over the last four years. And she even seems more enthusiastic about sex in general. 

Maybe because I just leaned to accept that she is who she is and just try to make sex as easy and enjoyable for her as possible and try to make changes very slowly. 

I simply made the determination that my life would most likely be better with her than without her. 

Maybe your wife is more adaptable than you think.


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