# Here we go again.....



## kayaker (Jan 22, 2012)

I never thought I would be back here again. Didn't even realize that I was a member of this forum from my previous marriage until right now.
I guess I am just looking for a place to vent at the moment so please feel free to skip this if you like.

A little recap.... Years ago, my first wife turned out to be a lazy, cheating, lying, deadbeat mother that ended up giving me full custody of our now 16-year daughter. By the way, my daughter is a rock-solid kid that does great in school and I have no issues with her at all!

Not sure how to condense this current situation but I will give it a try.

This morning my wife tells me she is done and wants a divorce.

I am currently 46 years old. My daughter is 16. My wife is 45 and also has a 16-year-old daughter. We have two dogs, a house, a small family camper, and both kids have cars. I have my motorcycle and kayak.

We have been together for going on 11 years I think and have been married for around 7 years.
My wife was born and raised in another country and I was born and raised here in the US. 

My wife's previous marriage was a difficult one, to say the least, and I believe is the leading cause of stress and anxiety issues which also leads to an alcohol problem. In turn, the alcohol issues also turn into issues between us.

She is a very good-looking, very hard-working, and extremely devoted mother. She is not needy or spendy. When we first met, she did not even have a couch in the house she lived in. We were both in a low place and I think rather lonely. We became friends because our kids were friends in school and wanted to get together to play.

After a while, we kind of fell for each other. I always knew she had a drinking issue but it always seemed like it would come and go. The more I was there for her, the better things seemed to be. Long story short, guess I was stupid to think the drinking issue would eventually go away because it never has. Things between us have degraded a bit over the last couple of years. Some things are my fault, some are her's.

The thing is, I am more than willing to try and make things better. Go to counseling or just try anything. She is not. She does not believe in doctors or that any kind of counseling can help. I am a talker, she is not. I will tell her how I feel, but she will not.

We have both done things that I feel have fueled the fire that has gotten us where we are now. 

This past week has been a bit tuff for her but really not that big of a deal for most people. We had a family camping trip planned. She had been drinking this week also.

As a side note, when she drinks, she is a real asshole towards me and directs a lot of negitiveaty towards me.

I really did not want to go on this trip. My daugheter was fine with not going. Her daughter really wanted to go but could also pass if needed.

I asked my wife before we left about skipping this trip but she wanted to go anyway. Five minutes after we left the house I started to see how much she had really been drinking and I offerd at that moment to turn around and cancel the trip.

About an hour up the road she really started to show her her ass and caused me to pull off to the side of the interstate. At that point, I called the trip and said we were going home. I took the next exit and headed back to the house. Both kids were upset but not that I canceled the trip, it was how my wife was acting. I just finally lost my patience and said enough was enough. When we got home, needless to say, she let me have it!

This morning she got up and would not speak to me. I told her coffee was in the pot. A few words were spoken back and fourth which turned into more of a heated conversation. She told me she was done and wanted a divorce. I did not agree and said I would like to give anything a try. I would do counsleing, try a doctor or just anything that may improve our relationship. She said NO. That it would not do any good and she would not talk to anyone. She said she was done. Made me out to be an asshole and said how I would tell everyone lies about her.

I told her again that I did not agree and that I would like to try and make things better. But, if this was what she really wanted, I would not fight her on it and I would give her what she wants.

I'm really not sure what is going to happen now. If this ends our relationship, part of me will be very sad. But there is another part of me than may feel some relief. It will be hard to start again but I feel that my dog, my daughe,r and myself can do it and will have a future ahead of us.

The future of my wife..... I have my concerns for her, her daughter and even her dog.


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## newgirl11 (4 mo ago)

I would try to have a conversation with her about why she feels like she needs to drink all the time. If she opens up to you about it she maybe secretly asking you to help her. If she won't talk about it or try to get help there's not much you can do


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

You cannot have a one-sided marriage. If she is hell bent on getting out and will not put in the work, there honestly isn't much you can do.
Have you ever directly confronted her about her drinking?
Her D must also be upset with her doing this all the time.
Does she have any family that could help you with an intervention of sorts?


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## kayaker (Jan 22, 2012)

No family here. Her family is on the other side of the world and she really is not that close with them anyway. 

She has serious stress and anxiety issues. She self-medicates by grabbing a glass of wine. One glass, no big deal. But then that one turns into bottles which turns into binge drinking for a week or more at a time. When she does drink, even a little, she directs a LOT of anger toward me. I become her target of frustration. 

Getting her to try something different.... Well that would be like trying to blow up a building with a simple firecracker. It just won't happen. I have tried for years to come up with different ways to help, some good, some not so good. There are times when I know I could handle things better. She refuses to try anything different, talk to anyone or get any kind of help at all.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You can’t fix her. What has talk gotten you? Let her go and save you and your daughter. There is no magic fix. You cannot fix a drunk.
Drop your hopium pipe.
Take a good look at what this is doing to your daughter.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Have you looked into AL ANON? It’s for people around the drinker.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Stop trying to talk her into staying and going to counseling. That’s only going to drive her away more.

What I would do is back off, give her space and tell her you agree you should separate. You didn’t beg her to marry you and you shouldn’t beg her to stay married.

Sometimes one person will say they want a divorce, but they really don’t. So by giving her what she wants, you will see where she truly stands. If she’s okay her it, then one of you should move out. Then continue giving her space. Only talk to her about business matters (house, money, etc). Let her come to you. And if/when she does, you will be in control. You can tell her she must get help for her drinking if she wants to remain married. Also suggest counseling. But while you’re possibly waiting for her to come to you, you take care of yourself, spend time with your daughter and prepare for the future.

The other side of the coin is she’s fine splitting up and doesn’t want to reconcile. In that case, you move on with your life and do what’s best for your daughter and you. Yeah it’s not the outcome you want, but it will be best for you in the long term.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

There’s really nothing you can do since your wife is an alcoholic and doesn’t want to quit.
It’s sad, but you should take the gift that she’s given you and definitely divorce her


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## kayaker (Jan 22, 2012)

Everyone here does have good points and everything said has already run through my head.

I’m one of those guys that fixes almost everything. But I can’t fix her.

I’ve always felt that if she would just let go of her stubborn ways, step out of her comfort zone and we do some counseling together, that we could find a way to deal with her anxiety levels. If that could be managed, then I feel like there would be a chance that she would no longer have a need to reach for alcohol. What she went through with her previous marriage is why she is the way she is now.

When she doesn’t drink, and she is not stressing stuff, she is a very talented, gifted, and an amazing person to be around. Only real reason I think I’ve stayed this long is because she actually is everything I ever wanted in a partner. But…. She comes with some issues 

Part of me wants it to work. The other part wants me to take the opportunity to walk away.
We have not spoken other than a few text since yesterday. I guess I’m going to give it a few days and see what happens.

I have lost all patience for her hiding alcohol and doing what she does. I’m at the point now of telling her we do counseling, we try to get the anxiety under control and see if we can be done with the drinking. If she still says no, then maybe it’s time to move on.


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## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

Sorry for the position you are in. She’s not giving you much to work with. I agree with your last statement in the above post. If she’s not willing to talk / work with counseling , try to get anxiety under control, anger under control, then you are in an unworkable position.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You’ve been living on hopium for too long. It doesn’t work. I spent decades of my life that I obviously can’t get back trying to “fix” my exH. I had to finally let go. Very likely you’ll have to do the same.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Life is too damned short to live like you're living OP. You're more than half way through your time on this planet. Don't waste your precious time trying to fix someone who doesn't want fixing.


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## kayaker (Jan 22, 2012)

Tested_by_stress said:


> Life is too damned short to live like you're living OP. You're more than half way through your time on this planet. Don't waste your precious time trying to fix someone who doesn't want fixing.


I have thought about that more than once! I hope I have many more years left and I would like to think I can enjoy them. Either with the right person or solo.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

kayaker said:


> I have thought about that more than once! I hope I have many more years left and I would like to think I can enjoy them. Either with the right person or solo.


Think about how your daughter is affected. If she were faced with this what would you want her to do?
You are teaching her whether you know it or not.
Right now *you* are keeping yourself bound up in this.


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## kayaker (Jan 22, 2012)

It’s been brought to my attention that there could also be the possibility of her having a relationship of some sort outside of our marriage. 
I have a hard time believing she would actually do that but if I take the emotional side of things out of the equation and look at some things I have not mentioned here, it’s very possible.
If that is true, it could also explain the increase in negative emotions towards me.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

She's an alcoholic. You aren't going to solve this. 

Get divorced.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I think it might be best to seek legal counsel, and divorce. Then...spend some time on yourself, sorting out how you select women. Your first wife cheated and didn't treat you well, and this one is an alcoholic and doesn't treat you well.

Just my advice.


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## Scrooge (Dec 28, 2021)

kayaker said:


> Everyone here does have good points and everything said has already run through my head.
> 
> I’m one of those guys that fixes almost everything. But I can’t fix her.
> 
> ...


Not the best person to give advice, but reading your post, I felt like I could somehow relate to it.

Her previous marriage might be one of the reasons why she resorts to alcohol, but the main reason will always be her own free will.

Many people would find the fact that they are married to someone that loves them and is doing their best to look after them and their children as a blessing and leave any baggage from previous relationships alone, or at least accept your attempts to help, specially after going through divorce once, she clearly isn’t interested and happy to do things her way instead.

This is not on you.

I used to be one of those guys that likes fixing things too, now I’m trying to fix myself out of that, some things/people are just the way they are.

Let her go, you’ll be doing everyone a favour, including her.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

1. You don’t fix other people (because you can’t), you lead them.
2. What are the other factors you didn’t mention that now lead you to consider that she could be cheating?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

The alcoholism and terrible relationship are enough to divorce. Don't spin too many wheels about is she cheating or not, that wastes time and energy that could be spent getting the divorce process started.


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