# Advice -What should I do to fix this?



## Niceguy (Nov 12, 2008)

Here is my story- I have been married for 18 years - kids (6-11-16). Not everything is bad with us, there are good times, but there is an overall theme here that I could use some feedback with. I have not had sex with my wife for four months. She hasn' kissed me for five years, oral sex stopped six years ago. I DON"T UNDERSTAND and when I try to talk about it she gets angry.

It seems like much of what we do is focused on the kids (taking them to basket ball practice, to football practice, to gymnastics practice, picking them up from practice taking them to school, picking them up from school, on and on,....... ) It's all the stuff that parents do.

BUT, HOWEVER, after ALL THAT, I can still see my wife as SEPARATE. 

At the end of the day I don't feel like I have given everything to my kids- all my energy- I have the ability to CONTAIN this into one quadrant of my life- and I have set aside a separate- completely separate quadrant -for her. But I find that she (and perhaps many women) is not able to separate being a wife from being a mom. I, as a husband, somehow gets lost in all this. Yes I can understand when she is overwhelmed and why, however it seems that this overwhelmed feeling goes on a very long time. To the point where if I never brought up "US", then it seems like things would just concrete in as if just being mom and dad would be the permanent way to live. 

This I think, is what sets me up to become a muzzled man. Don't get me wrong I DO speak up, however there is an energy, if you will, I am discovering about myself (that I don't like) a sense that if I ADJUST to her issues, to help and try to ease up the stress, to just let things go, even if I disagree, to deal with her, then it will make things better. And for me at least, I think I am thinking (figuring this out as I write it) if I can make things better/easier for her, then there is a chance we could get to US. 

So my focus becomes less about my own needs (voice) and more about how I can sacrifice these needs to free her up so that she may find some relief and then be available to meet my needs. So I begin to feel a bit crazy. That's the trap in this gravitational spiral, to make things better is to hesitate to ask for what I need, to censor myself in conversation, to avoid certain topics, and I have some how convinced myself that in doing so its best for US. But it is incongruent to what's best for me and I am left feeling like a mouse in my own house. 

What scares, me, pisses me off the most is I don't understand in all this is why it seems she doesn't feel the same void I feel. She may, but I associate the feeling of void with doing something to close the void. I don't see a lot of effort from her to do that. That's when my insecurities kick in. Yes she is overwhelmed, but I think some of it is self created, some is accurate though, it's friggin hard sometimes. Sometimes I feel mad, like she's taking me for granted- like I want to do something to shock her into recognizing that I am not a lamp in the house that will always be there to shine money on the family and fix things and cook and help out with everything ,then be turned off when not needed. 

Right now I am just waiting and working at making things better, but in doing so I don't want to loose myself and my self respect in the process. 

When I say working, I mean it, I am doing EVERYTHING I can - getting up extra early to help with the kids, driving them to school, getting home as early as I can to feed them. I wait on my wife hand and foot. I do laundry, I cook, I make a **** load of money and let her spend every last cent to be happy, I feel like I give my all. And what response do I get? If I miss one thing, I mean ONE THING- like put a sock in the wrong drawer after doing all the laundry, she will yell at me about he one sock.

I wonder if she has had an affair? I Don't know why she doesn't show me ANY love. Sometimes I feel like I should just become an avid fisherman or join some sort of club - or just go out more on my own- I feel like giving up

Someone please give me some advice, particulary a woman's perspective.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Not kissing for 5 years is strange. 

One thing I can say from a woman's perspective is that sex can be out of sight, out of mind. If I would go a while with no sex, I wouldn't give it much thought & wouldn't be looking to get it elsewhere or anything like that. It may not necessarily feel like a void to her as it does to you.

My desire is also very much linked to having an emotional connection with my husband. If we are distant the desire is not there. Kissing itself is a great way to keep that connection so it's sad to hear she's not doing that. 

It sounds like you've been really involved so I don't see where she would resent you in a way that would make her pull back like that, unless she stopped because her sexual drive stopped and she didn't want to lead you on that kissing would lead to sex? 

After your last child was born, did she have any female problems or did she have her tubes tied? She may have issues with hormonal imbalance that she's not aware of. 

The only other thing I would suggest is to try and convince her that you need time alone together...go on dates...talk and laugh together and try to re-establish a connection with her...many women have self-image issues especially after having children...do you compliment her? If you haven't for some time, start letting her know if you like something she's wearing, etc. If you haven't dated in years, take advantage of that time when you are out alone with her to look into her eyes and tell her she is beautiful, a great mom, etc. She may need a reminder that she is still a wife, not just a mom.


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## magicsunset08 (Oct 30, 2008)

She may have fell out of love with you because of the "business". Nothing you have done, but it's the same we have all been through. Communicate with her. Find out what makes her feel loved. Obviously, it does not sound like she feels love from you helping. She may need a subtle reminder that you are putting in alot of effort. Relationships are alot of work. Do your best to communicate. If she does not want to communicate, spend time with the kids and get back into some hobbies. You will lose yourself in all of this if you are not careful. Don't drive yourself crazy. What would she do if you did not give her $$ to spend? It is a give and take, not give-give. Good luck.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

i admit im having my own phase at the moment, basically just wanting to be left alone. 
hopefully this is short term for me.
but i dont know how you have coped for the length of time you have.
especially as it has effected you.
i would surely have said something earlier . 
even after a month i would have felt things were going down hill.
i have actually told my hubby if we have a life that sounded like yours, i.e no intimacy or contact . i would rather be on my own.
which i would.
sometimes when i take the children out and its me and the children and H does not come with us. i feel like a single parent in a marriage.
personally ive told my H that if this continues , id rather b single on this aspect also.
but then thats me.


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## Niceguy (Nov 12, 2008)

Thanks for those who responded so far. 

Some responses to the replies. Swedish- I do compliment her but I have now stopped. When I would compliment her about how she looked her response would be "you have to think so because your married to me." She goes on to tell me that she wants other guys to think she is pretty. Or if I tell her she looks nice, sometimes she tells me to stop because she thinks I am trying to push for intamacy. 

Also, yes she had her tubes tied AND has only one ovary. She had to have one removed. She is also on birthcontrol pills to help regulate bleeding during menstral cycles. I have pushed her to look at her hormones thyroid etc. She tells me they all checked out ok. SHe also told me that she used to have sex with me when we were younger because "I knew you liked it." But that now she wasn't going to do anything she didn't want to. I don't believe that. I was there, I know she liked it.

MagicSunset-

She has said some of the things you state. She is overwhelmed. I ask her if we were just friends. I told her that I need to know. It is the expectation/hope that I have that I might get to hold her, make love to her, that is so painful. If she would just tell me that we are just friends it would make things better. When I bring intimacy issues up she calls me NEEDY, and tells me there is somthing wrong with me. "Can't we just be, can't we just hang out, why do you always need that." She says. I told her it's been three months and I haven't pressured her at all. She just get's mad and goes into her room. Something is not right.

Justean- I hang on because I do love her very much. I am starting to ask myself if I can live without effection and I don't know. Heck, I have even thought about cheeting myself. But, I don't know how other guys do it. I am actually a decent looking guy (if I may say so myself) but I think I send off that "I am married" signal. We were at a party recently where we saw some old friends and my wife told me that all her friends told her that she was lucky because I was "so hot." Her response to me was "I guess I just don't see it."

Thank you for those who have given me some things to think about. Any and all perspectives are welcome.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Niceguy said:


> When I would compliment her about how she looked her response would be "you have to think so because your married to me." She goes on to tell me that she wants other guys to think she is pretty. Or if I tell her she looks nice, sometimes she tells me to stop because she thinks I am trying to push for intamacy.


This is a fairly common response from women who have self-image issues. It is also common for women who feel this way to not want sex. Is she generally happy or do you think she may be depressed? If she's generally happy maybe change your approach when you compliment her and avoid directly complimenting her looks (to avoid her negative response) and if she seems cheerful say things like 'hey, sunshine, you are happy this morning ' or something along the lines that you notice her current state of mind. 


Niceguy said:


> Also, yes she had her tubes tied AND has only one ovary. She had to have one removed. She is also on birthcontrol pills to help regulate bleeding during menstral cycles.


Been there with the tubes tied and the issues that result...it serves as a monthly reminder of what sex and the resulting childbirth has done to your body and can put you off wanting sex...if that's the case that's something she will have to work through on her own if she wants to and unfortunately she's not there.


Niceguy said:


> When I bring intimacy issues up she calls me NEEDY, and tells me there is somthing wrong with me. "Can't we just be, can't we just hang out, why do you always need that." She says.


When I look at marriages of my friends, the strongest are the ones where the wife understands the sexual needs of their husband, but I know far too many that share your wife's opinion and basically if I don't feel I need/want sex and you do there must be something 'wrong' with you. 

I honestly think this is based on ignorance and not malicious intent but the 'if I don't want to do it, I'm not going to' attitude is selfish within the partnership of marriage and not doing much in terms of loving, honoring and cherishing their husband.

Have you read the book 'The 5 Love Languages' by Chapman? It focuses on recognizing what makes your spouse feel loved which can be very different from one person to the next and although you may feel you are doing loving things (that would make YOU feel loved) she may not be receiving them in that way...Anyway, it would be even better if you could get her to read it as well. She would benefit from 'The Proper Care and Feeding of a Husband' but handing that to her would probably not go over well!


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## Niceguy (Nov 12, 2008)

Swedish,

Thanks for giving me some things to think about. I must say I laughed at the title of the book "Proper care and Feeding of a Husband." What she says to me is "take care of yourself." Literally, when I am trying to speak with her about how our marriage is going and the way I envision a marriage and my needs, she tells me over and over again "take care of yourself." I tell her I didn't get married to take care of myself, I want a partnership. But it doesn't seem to matter.

Regarding the book love languages, I know the concepts very well. That's why I switched to action oriented ways to show her love. She appreciates actions, quality time (sitting in a room together, going out to eat) gifts and kind words if the timing is right. 

I have told her that I don't feel much love from actions. Quality time for me would be hanging out listening to live music, hiking camping, active fun. And I like intimate touch. She really doesn't meet any of my needs- nor attempts to. We watch what she wants, we go where she wants to go and we never have sex. She doesn't even touch me. I mean that. It's been a month since she "allowed" me to hug her. She never hugs me. Ever. The more I write this stuff the more I am realizing the reality of my situation. This is friggin sad. I wonder if she has just lost all respect for me for me allowing this. 

I think my greatest fear is that I am slowly falling out of love with her. Sex is connection. I am feeling like a ship being carried out by the tide. I have seen this before, by the time the spouse wakes up and realizes that they need to change it’s too late- too much damage has been done and the other spouse doesn’t feel anything anymore, they are numbed up or callused from being treated this way for so long.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

my husband laughed at that title too...i'm a pretty independant woman and that book pretty much says a woman's place is to serve her husband (why I think it might not be received well by your wife!) but she (Dr. Laura) makes some good points about giving (on both sides) and not stepping too far out from traditional roles/needs of a man & woman within a marriage.

What is standing out for me is her getting angry about the one sock and telling you 'take care of yourself'...and the lack of intimacy...she seems totally disconnect from you. The ? is why? 

Are there things in the past that may have caused her to resent you that you didn't see as a huge deal? Things like porn, not being there when I've needed him emotionally...I know you are not a mind-reader and if she has built up resentment over time w/o telling you why (I have been guilty of this myself) you may be fighting an uphill battle until she opens up.

I understand your greatest fear & maybe it's time to tell her that...I don't know that intimacy, having been absent for so long, will be easily changed overnight, but starting with quality time and doing fun things together might be the best way to approach it. 

To find the time, I have set up car-pooling for some of my kids' activities so that we have some free time...we will even go for a quick dinner out when my daughter is at her 1.5 hour bball practice...think about the excuses (we don't have time) in advance and a work-around.

I really think she needs to understand how serious this is for you. She may not get it.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

Niceguy said:


> I think my greatest fear is that I am slowly falling out of love with her. .


i dont think this is necessarily a bad thing. i dont love my H at the moment and we have had times in our marriage where we have a few times fallen out of love with eachother and weve separated for different reasons.
maybe im lucky when i say this, but sometimes detachment in my case of mind and body , well sex becomes naughty again.

im not interested in other men but my H knows how to press my buttons, i dont care for affairs. so my marriage stil has an importance to not give up on. 
even if we spend time away from eachother. 
i admit to not having that spark in my eye for my H at the moment, but im not unhappy. 
were already trying to think of ideas to put things back. but thats where the fun can be .


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## Niceguy (Nov 12, 2008)

I spoke with her again on Sunday. She says she is depressed, she hates her job, she hates the kids and she doesn’t want to be here. She says this has been going on for many years. I told her if she doesn’t want to be here then she should leave. She said that what that means is that she would just go to bed and sleep all the time. She says she could easily just sleep all day and loose her job. She says she was not suicidal but had thought about it in the past. 

She will not go on any medication. She has tried that in the past and she had horrible withdraws coming off of one of the SSRI's. She won't go to counseling. However, we have been a couple of times to a therapist recently for my son. I think I will try to keep that up and adjust slowly to us. 

I ask her specifically if she just wants to be friends. She said, "I told you last time that I don't just want to be friends." I didn't say anything else because my face said it all. Yes I know she is depressed but if she does nothing about it that leaves me out in the cold. I can't fix this and I AM TIRED OF BEING ALONE. 

She knows this is all reaching a point of critical mass. It's been four months since we had sex. Before that it was three months and I had to beg. She has called me pathetic before because I wanted to make love with her. I took her to an EXTREMELY nice hotel on our anniversary three months before that. She wanted to "just have sex" real fast when we 1st arrived at the hotel to "Just get it out of the way." 

All this would make sense if I pressed her to have sex. I don't. I have gone three months without a peep, then three months before that. This is crazy. I am scared if a girl came up to me and was interested I would just go- HELL YEA!!!

I will try to take her out more often. We did something fun on Saturday and she actually grabbed my arm once. HOLLY ****. Grabbed my arm. Wow...... 

But how old do I have to grow before it’s too late. And WHAT ABOUT ME!!! Why am I the one who is always trying to fix things. Where am I in all this…..


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Niceguy said:


> I spoke with her again on Sunday. She says she is depressed, she hates her job, she hates the kids and she doesn’t want to be here. She says this has been going on for many years. I told her if she doesn’t want to be here then she should leave. She said that what that means is that she would just go to bed and sleep all the time. She says she could easily just sleep all day and loose her job. She says she was not suicidal but had thought about it in the past.


Based on her own description, she definitely sounds depressed. I have been there myself and have never gone on medication, but it could really help her to go to counseling. I don't know here reasoning behind not wanting to go, but I never thought to go because I figured I'd still hate my job, feel unloved & still need to raise my eldest teenager w/attitude so why bother...I guess I felt that I already knew what was bothering me and didn't feel I could change any of it...but when I finally went it really helped me a lot to put things into perspective.

A year later, I love my (new) job, eldest is off to college & I feel more loved than ever, so things can get better for her!

I actually think it's great that she opened up to you...the last thing on my mind when depressed is sex, so I can tell you it likely has nothing to do with her love or desire for you and everything to do with her state of mind. I know that doesn't solve your problem of getting more sex, but at least you know where she is coming from. Makes total sense to me that she said she doesn't want to just be friends.


Niceguy said:


> I will try to take her out more often. We did something fun on Saturday and she actually grabbed my arm once. HOLLY ****. Grabbed my arm. Wow......


She is reaching out. She still loves you. She can't help how she is feeling about herself inside right now, but I do agree she needs to take action to change it, for herself, your kids and your marriage.


Niceguy said:


> But how old do I have to grow before it’s too late. And WHAT ABOUT ME!!! Why am I the one who is always trying to fix things. Where am I in all this…..


Where are you in this? You are the NICEGUY! You said so yourself  

Just my opinion, but if you want to stay married and have sex with your wife, stop thinking about always being the one to fix things...take the approach that the woman you loved and married needs you right now to pull her out of a bad place...if that is your focus, you will know you are doing everything you can for your marriage.

Continue spending time together and continue the talk she started on how she's been feeling...and come up with some real solutions for her...

I never in a million years thought leaving the job I hated was an option (because it paid extremely well and I worked from home so from the financial standpoint and being home for my kids it was ideal) and one day my husband said, "quit...don't stay if you are unhappy" It took such a load of pressure off just to know that's how he felt...I did line something else up in the meantime (fortunately with the same setup) and it made a world of difference for me.

I don't know what's going on with your kids that triggered her comment, but raising teens especially can be challenging times...She may feel she is failing as a mom & since that is typically where woman place their focus, it can be devastating. If you are not already, stay very plugged in to what is happening with the kids and how to parent...she may not ask for help but if you talk and agree on things she will feel more supported, and if the kids are not responding/respecting her, sit him/her down with both of you together and have a talk.

If you can just come up with one idea that will make her feel less burdened/overwhelmed, share it with her...tell her it's a first step (not the only) in turning this around and your goal is that she is happy again, for her.


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## Niceguy (Nov 12, 2008)

She thinks she has failed at everything. BUT- will do nothing to fix it. I don't want to come across as insensitive and just wanting sex. Any kind of intimate touch would help. If you really love some one why do you treat them like this? I think she just wants to be friends and co parent. If we split up it would hurt the kids and she would loose my income. So she is just setting it up to co-exist in the house with me and then avoid any sex with me at all. She also says "all my friends don't have sex with their husbands, it's normal and more common than you think." I feel like calling up her friends husbands and asking. I am sure it's not been two times in eleven months!! 

I like the reframing idea around not fixing but supporting and being their for her. But it is a lonely place. I have to stop my impulses to hug my wife. It's getting to the point that it is painful to be in the same room with her. It's hard to explain, and something I am beginning to think only a guy can understand. But, I think she is beautiful, she had some new pajamas on and looked so cute and I wanted to hold her , to snuggle etc... but I couldn't. Not being able to hold her was painful emotionally to me. 

I ask her if I could hug her and she said yes. Asking for a hug made me feel like a friggin little kid fool. So I hugged her. Then I made the mistake of kissing her on the cheek and I saw her roll her eyes. I quickly said something about a conversation I had about a friend of hers to change from what I did but I still had my hand on her. She listened to my story but ask me to take my had off her because it was “on a personal spot” -- her stomach. I tried not to show her I was upset so I finished up the story real quick and then had to leave the room. 

She says she just doesn't want to just be friends but I am thinking that that may be what I need. All her actions show that that’s what she wants. It's the expectation of sex, of intimacy that’s killing me. And the longer it's been (almost four months) the more I think "ok this weekend it will happen." Its frigin hell. And I am always getting let down. 
I think I will have to tell her that she needs to not wear pajamas around me, or stop dressing nice, stop doing her hair, try to look like crap so it will be easier for me. This is crazzy insensitive on her part. 

AND- when I am around her friends/co-works etc. They DON"T KNOW. My wife acts fine around them and I have to pretend that nothing is wrong. I have told my wife she should tell her friends what is going on but she refuses. I have been considering lately about speaking to one of her friends and asking her what is up with my wife. To let her know that she is always down. When I write that though, my wife is NOT down with her friends. Perhaps this is just an act, but I sometimes wonder. 

I have had two women come on to me in the past week. One was nice looking and I found myself interested. I probably came off as odd because I got nervous because I was so scared of the feelings of interest I felt. It's just hormones I suppose, but my wife has not said anything nice to me in years. Meanwhile her friends tell her how lucky she is. I am afraid to go out by myself because if I drink and some woman shows interest in me or wants to kiss me, I swear I think I would do it. It has been too long. I am finding myself wanting to take my wedding ring off my finger when in public more and more. So I am self monitoring now.

I read someone else’s post who said they just told their spouse that they need more from them and that this is not the way they want to live and they would stay and support the spouse if they worked on the marriage otherwise they would leave. I am somewhat held hostage I think. I have kids and I don’t want to hurt them. This is feeling more and more like me going and having affairs. But, that is foolish because that will lead to me getting emotionally attached with someone else. then to a divorce. 

I think it is this. If I begin to go out on my own more then will that wake my wife up that she is in danger of loosing me? Distance in the house isn’t working so how about movement closer to other women. What will make her pay attention to me?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Niceguy-

I have resisted posting in your thread because I have found that people can't take my directness, and people in you position have so much guilt that they feel my viewpoint is a million miles away. So I decided to leave you alone, and see what happened. I notice in your last post that you are gradually coming to all the "correct" conclusions. Eventually you will wake up and be very angry with yourself for letting this happen. For now, I will make just a few comments:



Niceguy said:


> I think it is this. If I begin to go out on my own more then will that wake my wife up that she is in danger of loosing me? Distance in the house isn’t working so how about movement closer to other women. What will make her pay attention to me?


Yes, that will probably get her attention, and also remind you what you are missing - being desired. Do not get drunk though, keep your mental faculties intact.




Niceguy said:


> She also says "all my friends don't have sex with their husbands, it's normal and more common than you think." I feel like calling up her friends husbands and asking. I am sure it's not been two times in eleven months!!


This is a very good idea. you may well find that she is correct, you may not. but it will take you one more step away from being the timid man you have become.



Niceguy said:


> AND- when I am around her friends/co-works etc. They DON"T KNOW. My wife acts fine around them and I have to pretend that nothing is wrong. I have told my wife she should tell her friends what is going on but she refuses. I have been considering lately about speaking to one of her friends and asking her what is up with my wife. To let her know that she is always down. When I write that though, my wife is NOT down with her friends. Perhaps this is just an act, but I sometimes wonder.


This is all part of the syndrome, she is getting you to play along with the "stage act".

You are nearly there, I just wonder if you can put the final pieces of the jigsaw together without my prompting you...

For me, sex is very important, I have been with my wife nearly 20 years and we have it most days. This was not always the case, but the longest drought was probably 2 weeks several years ago when we had a bad argument. I would not stay in a marriage that had sex less than twice per week - I would sacrifice everything, no question, I did not get married to be celibate. I do not think sex is dirty, I think it is necessary for a popper marriage.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

I'm a newbie around here and don't know how much bluntness is allowed. But I will be blunt. She's not in love with you. I don't see why else someone would not kiss their spouse for five years - I speak from experience in my own marriage (I being the one not in love). And saying things like "I just don't see it" when referring to you being good looking is just mean, so she's not a good friend to you either.

You are banging your head against a wall and sacrificing your very soul as you try to figure out how to make her happy and why she behaves the way she behaves toward you. She's not in love with you. It's that simple. In fact, her depression may stem from the fact that she's not in love with you. It's not easy to fall out of love with your spouse once you have kids together and you feel like you desperately want your children to have you both there. You stay. You try. You go through the motions. But deep down it kills you a little and you kill the other person's spirit in the process. But it's too scary to leave, to start over. The house is good, the kids are healthy and happy, all the bricks are stacked up and you fear knocking them down and ending up alone with nothing. You have a nice, caring husband who treats you well and does his chores. How could you let that go? Would you find someone else? Isn't that better than being alone? Why can't you just try harder to fall in love with him?

Then you start to resent him. Unfair, but you do. You think there's something about him that's unlovable and that's why you don't love him. You examine all the things about him that are annoying and they become magnified. He tries to please you and starts to look like a weak spineless man. How can one be attracted to a spineless man who doesn't know how to lead his family, how to take charge and merely puts his head down and says "yes, m'am. No, m'am" like a child. You blame him sometimes. But you feel guilty too because you know he deserves more than what you are giving him. You know he's a good man. You hate yourself for not loving him. You want to be loved, but you don't think anyone but him will love you. But you don't love him back, so his love is almost worthless. 

You become bitter, angry, guilty, depressed, resentful. You throw yourself into your work as a mother. You put all your energy in the kids. You turn the kids into a barrier, a shield, between you and your husband so that he thinks it is the work of mothering that's getting in the way of "us". Sometimes that's the case, but not all of the time. 

You know he will stop loving you soon. You fear it, but you also wish for it. You can't get the backbone to leave. You don't want to be the bad guy. So maybe he will get sick of it and leave. You worry that, once he's gone, you might realize you loved him afterall. You worry that you just don't know how to love. You worry that you are defective somehow. You don't know how to fix it nor how to get out, so you just shut down. 

I could go on and on and on.

I could be completely and utterly wrong. But it's another perspective.


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## Niceguy (Nov 12, 2008)

Ms. Lady,

Wow, that was eloquent. I mean that. It logically follows and I feel like you very well might be right. I may just cut and paste some of what you said and put it in a letter to her and ask her if this is it. Really, that kind of crystalized what my spinning, emotion filled brain tries to sputter out when I am talking to her. I would like to know, deserve to know what she really thinks. 

Something is definitely wrong. She tried to have sex with me about a week ago and it didn't go well. She was very rigid and seemed repulsed. It was a get it done kind of thing. Very sad really. She said at one time "I hate that you want to do this stuff." She tells me all the time that she has no sexual feelings "for anyone." She told me that she should be neither a man or a woman because she feels no sex drive at all. Me, my paranoia says, yea I don't believe that, I think it is just me. Good news is, my self confidence is still for the most part intact. Bad news is I suppose i am in denial. ****, things were going a bit better I thought because at least she tried.

We used to make love so passionatley. That's where I am so confused, I mean, it was amazing. She looked forward to it. Ms. Lady, do you think SHE may have had an affair? I really question it. I sometimes think, she did, and then the guy left her or wouldn't stay with her because of her family, or his, and that she now see's us all as just in the way- what caused her to loose the other guy. I am just trying to figure out why her feelings towards me would have changed so much.

She has decided to go to the Dr. recently and she is on xanax now for anxiety and will be going to the Dr. again tomorrow. I have been thinking about telling her to make sure to tell the Dr. that she has had sex with her husband only three times this whole year and that was only to keep her husband happy. What do you think? Should I do that, or just let it be?

I have spoken to her about a divorce when in anger- and hinted at it when calm and she says- You would get a divorce over sex- that's pathetic. You would hurt your kids so that you could go get sex from someone- that's selfish. That's just sad. Kinda hits me pretty hard. Is is selfish to leave for sex? That's why I start to think maybe I should just go out more, slowly, then see how she responds, then maybe hopefully/ find someone to have sex with- maybe just that, and still try to stay married?


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## stumped (May 16, 2008)

Niceguy said:


> Ms. Lady,
> 
> Wow, that was eloquent. I mean that. It logically follows and I feel like you very well might be right. I may just cut and paste some of what you said and put it in a letter to her and ask her if this is it. Really, that kind of crystalized what my spinning, emotion filled brain tries to sputter out when I am talking to her. I would like to know, deserve to know what she really thinks.
> 
> ...


Sex and intimacy is part of the entire "marriage" package. If sex wasn't something reserved for just your spouse then you couldn't cheat or commit adultery. So that being said isn't it pretty selfish of her to not be sexually active with you??? I mean come on now she is not even trying to figure out what the probelm is or seek any help. It could very well be a medical issue but she doesnt even want to try and figure that out. 

It amazes me everyday the amount of posts I see on here where this is a problem. Even though my marriage has ended sex was never an issue for us.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Niceguy said:


> She said at one time "I hate that you want to do this stuff." She tells me all the time that she has no sexual feelings "for anyone." She told me that she should be neither a man or a woman because she feels no sex drive at all.
> 
> I have spoken to her about a divorce when in anger- and hinted at it when calm and she says- You would get a divorce over sex- that's pathetic. You would hurt your kids so that you could go get sex from someone- that's selfish. That's just sad.


I think because she isn't feeling sexual urges she has no idea how difficult it is for you to go without. She is also using guilt to make you feel bad for even suggesting it is a problem. 

It does sound as though she loves you and fears you leaving because of this...the problem is she brushes it off by making you feel bad instead of really trying take action herself.

I don't know if xanax affects sexual desire or if she has hormonal/depression issues that may be causing it, but she is accusing you of having selfish thoughts yet she is just as selfish if she won't even bring it to the dr.'s attention and try to resolve it for you.



Niceguy said:


> I have been thinking about telling her to make sure to tell the Dr. that she has had sex with her husband only three times this whole year and that was only to keep her husband happy. What do you think? Should I do that, or just let it be?


I would definitely bring up that she should talk to her Dr. about it...the way you worded it sounds a bit sarcastic so maybe just bring it up...will you let him know about your lack of sex drive in case it is related to the medication?



Niceguy said:


> That's why I start to think maybe I should just go out more, slowly, then see how she responds, then maybe hopefully/ find someone to have sex with- maybe just that, and still try to stay married?


I think this would turn out really bad if you go that route...I hope she puts in some effort in determining if there is a medical reason (medication, hormones, etc.) because I think a big part of it right now is that you feel she doesn't care to change this and it's very important to you so it's easy to think she must not care about you...From a woman's perspective I never until recently really understood the male sex drive and honestly could not put myself in a man's shoes when it came to sexual needs.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Niceguy said:


> I have spoken to her about a divorce when in anger- and hinted at it when calm and she says- You would get a divorce over sex- that's pathetic. You would hurt your kids so that you could go get sex from someone- that's selfish.


What she fails to notice is that she is of the same opinion - she would let you divorce her rather than fix the sex. So she is not thinking of the kids either. 

She has problems. The fact that you have let it go this far shows that you have problems too.


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## lostluv (May 12, 2008)

You say she has recently gone to the doctor for medication and is going back...was this before or after the divorce discussion? Perhaps this was a catylist that she needed to have the desire to try and move out of her depression. If she is making an effort or progress then you have to decide if you are willing to see where it goes or if it is "too little too late". I would not recommend finding someone to have sex with. I fear this would only complicate things for you and leave you feeling guilty later. As for her having had an affair...I doubt it. If she has and that is the reason for her current state of being this could be a very long road to travel.


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