# Am I doing the right thing?



## LostInLove82 (Jun 22, 2011)

A little bit of back story:

I met my husband 8 years ago and things were great. We were both in our early twenties with very little responsibility. We enjoyed dancing all night and drinking and all kinds of carrying on. We were exciting and passionate. After 8 months of dating we decided to move 1500 miles away, just for a change of scenery.

We continued our partying ways for several more years, in the meantime we also got careers, vehicles and bought a house together. 

The problems started about 5 years ago. My husband lost interest in making love, and I was devastated being constantly turned down by him (sure takes a toll on the old self esteem). I tried many things to get him to notice me, including role playing, sexy outfits, trying to encourage him to share his fantasies with me etc. All I got was rejection. I wondered if perhaps he had some kind of physical or hormonal problem that could have caused this, but he was still "taking care of himself" on a fairly steady basis, so clearly the problem wasn't physical.

He is also a video game and sports addict, choosing to spend his time with the TV instead of his wife. Now I'm no shy violet and I expressed very clearly how his behaviour made me feel, countless times I'd be crying in front of him while he tried to look around me to see what the score was. He brushed me off as being overly emotional. I started to see this mean streak in him when he drank, while he would never lay a hand on me, he seemed to get off on pushing my buttons and making me angry, then mocking me. This brought out a very ugly side of me too, some angry, vicious person that I don't care for at all. I asked him to go to counseling with me, but he refused saying that we didn't need it, and that it would be an embarassment.

I pushed my issues to the back of my mind and tried to keep going, because there was a time I loved him with every ounce of my being.

It's to the point where I feel like I'm living with a platonic best friend. After all the years of rejection I have adapted and no longer even want to have intimate relations with him. In the past year I have begun to acknowledge that I don't feel the same way about him anymore, and that hurts me because there was a time I would do anything for him, even put my own needs aside. My heart is still full of love for him, but not the kind of love a wife should feel for her husband.

A couple months ago I told him that my feelings were changing and that it frightened me to think that we might not make it. He said he would change, go to counseling and make it work. While I did see small changes in him I feel like it's too little too late, and that all he's doing is trying to appease me.

Two nights ago I told him that I wasn't in love with him anymore and that I wanted to move back to my hometown. He's crushed and that makes me feel like crap. I feel guilty for hurting him. He's taking responsibility now saying that he should have listened and taken action years ago when I first expressed my unhappiness.

I feel like I don't want to be married to him anymore but I am so heartbroken over causing him pain and losing my best friend of almost a decade. Fun has never been our problem, we are so good in some ways but not in the fundamental ways of a healthy marriage.

I plan to leave this fall, but a part of me is having second thoughts. I have lapses where I become unsure of whether I'm doing the right thing or not. This is the most difficult time in my life, I'm terrified of losing my husband but equally terrified of waking up one day 20 years down the road and realizing I hate him.

I just really want to be happy, and I want him to be happy too...but I don't think that happiness lies in one another.

Am I doing the right thing?


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

I think you are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## broken1 (May 10, 2011)

IMO, No. you're not. Your post is littered with too many things based on "feelings" and "happiness." Love is not a feeling, and your happiness should not be dependent on your husband. Does he have some maturing to do? Sounds like it. So do you. If he's willing to make some changes and go to counseling then go. Talk to a pastor or something. Don't just give up. You've described very normal marriage problems from the perspective of someone who thought it would all be a fairy tale. You guys just need to start acting like mature, adult, husband and wife... and learn how to love eachother the way you are supposed to.

BTW... Most people turn into someone else when they're drunk. So stop the drinking and partying. you're not in high school anymore.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

He denies her sex but masturbates. What is that about? I wouldn't stay. She tried and he didn't do the work. He wore out her ability to care by not being cared for herself. There is such a thing as too little too late. 

If you ignore something long enough it will go away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

I agree with ClipClop. If you feel like you are just "Best Friends," then that's not a marriage. I'm in an almost identical situation, just not as many years into it. 

I too have the fear that 5, 10, 20 years down the road I'm going to regret not having a complete life with someone. It seems easy to stay, I mean, you guys have fun right? Is that enough for you? I wish you luck!


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