# Oh God, never thought I'd ever be here..please help



## johndc30 (Jun 15, 2014)

Day 2 of our vacation I knew something was up with my wife, for the previous 2 weeks she had been acting weird, hiding her phone and other things.
I decided to pull her up about it, to which she told me she had kissed a man in work on a night out. I was in shock, my previous marriage ended the same, now we've only been married a few months now this. 

I asked her why, her response was she got her life back. I've been working a lot and probably neglected her for some months looking back. The other guy is in an unhappy marriage and has a child, he's 10 years older and isn't good looking (thank God). I told her we can work through it, her response was I was free to go home if i wanted too.

I was heartbroken, didn't want to leave her but I couldn't face the fact she wouldn't let me hold or touch her. She wanted me to stay but just no touching, I couldn't bare it and decided to leave, I booked the flights, then 75 minutes later she comes into the room crying asking me not to leave - it was an amazing feeling - does she still love me? Love me just enough not to see me leave, or didn't she just want to be alone.
She cried and told me we can work on it and get through it, we had a brilliant 3-4 days together with the best sex ever. Then the last 2 days of the vacation, she went weird again, almost like a robot...not the person I married. She wouldn't let me touch her and basically treated me like ****.

Next thing she said when we get back she thinks we should have a break to which I agreed, even though it ripped my heart out. She now stays at her mothers but I know she's constantly texting this guy from work (even on vacation), to the point it's almost 24hr chat with him.
My head is a in a mess, on the way back on the plane she still talked about the future, like "Remember to buy x a present before we go to their wedding".

I'm in no mans land at the moment. I took advice on the internet and done the following

* No contact rule, I never text her even though it's killing me inside, she did text me though to say the house was lovely when she came around and thanked my for ironing her clothes. I simply replied "oh that's ok, I've got more time now anyway" and left it at that - no response.
* I've joined the gym and started to get fit, buying more fruit, cut sugar out of my diet and generally trying to make myself as attractive as possible.
* I joined dating sites - god knows why, maybe it's because my confidence is shot and I need reassurance?
What should I do next, I know she will text me in a couple of days as shes coming back to the house and I'm moving out. Should I text her? How should I respond to texts? Does she still love me?

I get the feeling I'm Plan B, I think shes going to have sex with this guy and if it's all roses she will permantantly want to end the marriage. I'm at whits end, there's nothing I can do about it, and I know if we do manage to get back together she will have already had sex with this man.

Please help


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Give her what she wants and divorce her. And stop ironing her clothes. She should be at your feet begging to be forgiven. She didn't just kiss guy you know right?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

You need to go into surveillance mode and find out a lot more. What are they discussing ? What are her plans ? You can put a VAR in her car and in the house too. Put a key logger on her computer. Do you have access to her passwords ? Her phone ?

In order to stop this before it gets any worse you need to find out more as quickly as possible, gather and secure the evidence, expose it to the other man's wife, your and her friends and family and also at their work.

That should put the fear of God into him and then you may have a chance at recovering this.


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## johndc30 (Jun 15, 2014)

richie33 said:


> Give her what she wants and divorce her. And stop ironing her clothes. She should be at your feet begging to be forgiven. She didn't just kiss guy you know right?


I know she's not slept with him (yet), I overlooked one of her texts to a close friend where she said the same, so i believe shes telling the truth.


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## johndc30 (Jun 15, 2014)

manfromlamancha said:


> You need to go into surveillance mode and find out a lot more. What are they discussing ? What are her plans ? You can put a VAR in her car and in the house too. Put a key logger on her computer. Do you have access to her passwords ? Her phone ?
> 
> In order to stop this before it gets any worse you need to find out more as quickly as possible, gather and secure the evidence, expose it to the other man's wife, your and her friends and family and also at their work.
> 
> That should put the fear of God into him and then you may have a chance at recovering this.


He's completely unhappy in his marriage, she told me this, if I do this what if it makes it worse, he decides to leave his wife for sure and they get together?


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

johndc30 said:


> He's completely unhappy in his marriage, she told me this, if I do this what if it makes it worse, he decides to leave his wife for sure and they get together?


You need to find this wife and let her know. Would bet almost anything she thinks her marriage is on solid ground and has no idea how 'unhappy' he is.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Given how short the marriage is, maybe you have made a mistake.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Check to see if you still have some testicles before you continue. 

They there? 

Okay, tell the other dude's wife and do it pronto... don't tell your wife you're gonna do it. Just do it. 

Yeah, "what if".... what if your wife gets mad... what if the dude leaves his wife and your wife joins him... is that really a loss? Think about it. Think about it hard. Believe me, she's not a prize. 

Oh, stop ironing her clothes for christ's sake!


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## johndc30 (Jun 15, 2014)

Christ you guys are harsh...


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Inform his wife asap.

File for divorce. Go dark on your wife.

Do not talk to her. Do not email her.

Why are you moving out? Let her move, she can go and live with OM.

Tell her family.

Unfriend your wife on Facebook and block her from seeing your profile. On the marital status write "single".

Read the 180.

Do you want to read threads by guy's like you? WantWifeBack.

Harsh?

Your WW is being harsh. Your marriage is toast. The only chance you have of saving it is to want the relationship less than she does. There is some small chance she will flip and seek R. However, the ugly fact remains that she betrayed you in the honeymoon period of your marriage. Not a good sign for the fundament of your relationship.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Only married a few months? Annulment.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

johndc30 said:


> He's completely unhappy in his marriage, she told me this, if I do this what if it makes it worse, he decides to leave his wife for sure and they get together?


Then she was never yours. Simple.

If you have to manoeuvre her back into your marriage it's likely to be toast anyway.

Walk tall, be strong. I know it seems counter productive but you have to be prepared to let her go to keep her.

Completely unhappy? Possible, but it is just as likely that this guy is feeding your wife a pile of carp to try and get her knickers off. Oldest trick in the book, "My wife just doesn't understand me, we never make love. But you and I have this amazing connection, it's almost as though we were made for each other."


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

blow it up go to HR see if I can be separated do not leave the house! I repeat do not leave the home. Some fine friend she has that knows about this
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

```

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LongWalk said:


> Inform his wife asap.
> 
> File for divorce. Go dark on your wife.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

You're married for two months and she's already cheating. Yes, an on going EA and she "kissed" him(my money's on there's been more than a kiss...), that's cheating.

If you convince her to stay married, what do you think she'll be doing in another 2 years?...

You were and still are too wishy washy about her cheating. You should tell her if she contacts him again, you are getting an annulment.

I know that you still love her, but you are setting yourself up for a lot more heartache. She only seems interested in staying married because the OM is not single, YET.

Once he splits up with his wife, her tune will change and fast.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

johndc30 said:


> Christ you guys are harsh...


We're nothing. Wait for the women to arrive...


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

johndc30 said:


> I know she's not slept with him (yet), I overlooked one of her texts to a close friend where she said the same, so i believe shes telling the truth.


She can lie to her friend too. Expose this guy and your wife at work and file for divorce..


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

johndc30 said:


> He's completely unhappy in his marriage, she told me this, if I do this what if it makes it worse, he decides to leave his wife for sure and they get together?


Then you don't have a chance and never had one. your SO should be someone that enjoys your company..


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

Thank your lucky stars you found out this so early.
End the marriage now and move on.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Jdc30,

Only married a few months and your wife wants out... Hmmm.

Good chance that she has been cheating on you long before your marriage. How long have you known her?

Hey, I'm all about R. It's extremely difficult even when both parties firmly want the best and are willing to re-commit. That being said... even in the best circumstances, it's a risky, mind numbing, rollercoaster of a ride.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Don't bother talking w/ her, checking up on her, or any of that -- it's not worth it. Given that you've been married for only a few months, both of you should be in the "honeymoon" phase and all over each other. Clearly that's not the case. Based on that, I'd say it's safe to assume that she was cheating on you (maybe w/ this guy, maybe not) since before you were married. Sorry if that's hard to hear.

Now, since you've been married for only a few months, you won't be on the hook for any sort of long-term spousal support, if any at all. Obviously this is a good thing.

Divorce. Kick her to the curb, work on you, and move on.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I second what everybody else has said here - 2 months married? Move on. Great that you found out so early.

I don't care who you are, how old you are, where you're from, any of that - 2 months into a marriage is supposed to be happy fun time. She's having that. Just not with you.

Hell, don't even bother with telling the OM's wife. NC her, throw her crap on the front step, change the locks, the phone number, your email address. Have the divorce (or annulment) papers couriered to her place of work.

Right now, there's no need for any communication between the two of you. She's off doing what she's doing, and her friends (and perhaps family) know she's doing it. You have no reason to be nice to her OR to be mean, either. No contact - she isn't worth it. You'll see through the fog eventually.

Also, word of advice, get off the dating sites for the time being. 1) it won't help your cause if you hook up with somebody and/or your wife/wife's friends/family sees you on there, and 2) you'd potentially be jerking some other woman around who may be looking for Mr Right. At the moment, you're in no position to potentially start a relationship with anyone. 

Looking for somebody else to feed your ego right now is not much different than what your wife is doing. You're better than that, no?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

alexm said:


> I second what everybody else has said here - 2 months married? Move on. Great that you found out so early.
> 
> I don't care who you are, how old you are, where you're from, any of that - 2 months into a marriage is supposed to be happy fun time. She's having that. Just not with you.
> 
> ...


I agree w/ all of ^this... except for the part in bold. Expose to *EVERYONE*, including the other man's wife. She deserves to know. If they split and your WW and OM wind up together, that's fine. Hell, he'd be doing you a huge favor, as that would keep her from crawling back to you after for at least 3-6 months, during which time you can annul/divorce, begin to heal, and move on w/ your life. They'll also be forced to do whatever they choose to do in the light of truth instead of scurrying around in the dark like c*ckroaches.

Exposure to your families (assuming that this hasn't been done) will keep her from tearing you down to them. Don't be cruel, petty, or vindictive when you do it. Just calmly let all involved know that she's been cheating on you and that, as a result, you will be pursuing annulment (ideal) or, if necessary, divorce.

And the whole crying and having sex w/ you after you were going to leave? That's just her doing her best to keep you on the hook while she spins her wheels (and yours) weighing her options. Don't be an option. Don't be her Plan B.

Annul/divorce, work on you, and move on. And yeah, stay off of the dating sites until after you've annulled/divorced *and* you've had time to accept, grieve, and heal.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You sound like you need a firm hand.

If you were my son, I would be that firm hand for you. I would stand by you as you do the following:

- Tell the OMW IMMEDIATELY. The effect of this is not what you imagine. Most of the time it throws a monkey wrench into the affair. In all cases, the betrayed W has a right to know what is happening in her own life, so it's the right thing to do.

- Do a 180 to detach from your cheating W.

- Make sure all of your finances are shored up and secure.

- Consult with an attorney re an annulment/divorce. Tell your WW that you are doing this.

Stay firm, strong, resolute. Do NOT let her see you sweat. No crying, begging, waffling. Present strength and a 'take no sh!t' attitude. It doesn't matter how you feel inside. Fake it until you make it. You will make it.

Your WW is not marriage material. She is not good enough for you. This is your mantra. You deserve better.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

^ Knows what's up


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

In whose name is the lease?

Regardless, don't move out.

Pack all her crap in garbage bags and have it ready to shove out the door.

Borrow a mean looking dog to keep her from coming in the door.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> You sound like you need a firm hand.
> 
> If you were my son, I would be that firm hand for you. I would stand by you as you do the following:
> 
> ...


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## Singleton (May 30, 2013)

Divorce her my friend! She was never your wife. Your marriage was fake. I feel sorry for you. Most of us were/ are in your shoes.

I am all for the affair exposure but that approach is valid only if you want to save your marriage. I am all for R but is it worth in your case? I do not think so. You will only send her a signal that she can continue with cheating.

Divorce her and do not date for a long time. Learn to be by yourself and learn to love and respect yourself. During that period find out why do you chose women that will be unfaithful to you. This is a pattern in your life.


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## Just Joe (May 26, 2014)

johndc30 said:


> we've *only been married a few months* now this.
> 
> I asked her why, her response was she got her life back. I've been working a lot and *probably neglected her for some months* looking back.


You're only married a few months and you've probably neglected her for some months.

Cheating is wrong, always.

But really?

She's been neglected from day one, she has no intention of staying in this short marriage where she has no significant financial ties and no kids.

Why do you want her back? You didn't pay attention to her while you had her.

I'm not trying to be harsh. Add some more detail and explain this.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Singleton said:


> I am all for the affair exposure but that approach is valid only if you want to save your marriage. I am all for R but is it worth in your case? I do not think so. You will only send her a signal that she can continue with cheating.


I have to disagree w/ this. While exposure _can be effective in breaking up an affair_, that's not it's only purpose, and it shouldn't be used w/ that motivation here.

By exposing the affair to OMW, OP will be giving her the information that she needs (and deserves) in order to make solid decisions regarding her future, as well as the future of her marriage and family.

Additionally, by exposing to his family, in-laws, and any common friends, OP will be able to keep his WW from waging a smear campaign against him. 

Third, a combination of exposure and the 180 will send OP's WW a very clear message -- that he won't be her Plan B, and that he isn't interested in having any sort of relationship w/ a cheating spouse.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Just Joe said:


> You're only married a few months and you've probably neglected her for some months.
> 
> Cheating is wrong, always.
> 
> ...


Sounds like he's just bought into the blameshifting and deflection to me.

But hey, so what? Let's say he did neglect her. That doesn't change the fact that after having been married for only a few months, she's already cheating. Hell, like I (and someone else) already said, she's probably been cheating since before the were married.


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## Singleton (May 30, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> I have to disagree w/ this. While exposure _can be effective in breaking up an affair_, that's not it's only purpose, and it shouldn't be used w/ that motivation here.
> 
> By exposing the affair to OMW, OP will be giving her the information that she needs (and deserves) in order to make solid decisions regarding her future, as well as the future of her marriage and family.
> 
> ...


Gus the premise of my advice regarding exposure is that the marriage is not worth saving and that he should divorce her.

As far as educating her for her future life therapist, parents and family serve that purpose. By no means it is his job!


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

If she says she needs a "break", you can take it to the bank she means she wants "space" so she can do whatever she wants, and what she wants now is for this POS OM to pay attention to her, compliment her, and bang her.

That's the way it goes with women in this stage.

By the way, what do YOU want to do? Is this the gal you wanted to cherish forever, and were gaga-over-the-moon with?

If you really do want to keep her, obviously something's got to give. Is she emotionally stable?

She's living in dreamland right now, craving to be craved, and will roll over for whoever shows up to do it first, and with the most mush talk.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

johndc30 said:


> I get the feeling I'm Plan B, I think shes going to have sex with this guy and if it's all roses she will permantantly want to end the marriage. I'm at whits end, there's nothing I can do about it, and I know if we do manage to get back together she will have already had sex with this man.
> 
> Please help


When I started reading your post my thoughts were, "I wonder what happen that caused here romantic interest in you to go south so quick. Than I read about you ironing her clothes and thought, "here we go again". 
I've got news for you Dawg, you're not even plan B, You're plan H, like in History. Her new boyfriend was plan B when her interest level in you hit the skids. 
Hell no she doesn't love you. If she loved you she wouldn't be at her mothers texting this guy. Women who love their husbands don't go home to momma so they can text other guys. The reason this "brilliant 3-4 days" together burned out was that she thought about having to go back to living with a guy that does nothing for her. 
Lastly in my view, she's already slept with this guy. I hope you don't believe every chick who sleeps around on their old man spills their guts about it. Many do keep secrets, at least for a time.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Singleton said:


> Gus the premise of my advice regarding exposure is that the marriage is not worth saving and that he should divorce her.
> 
> As far as educating her for her future life therapist, parents and family serve that purpose. By no means it is his job!


I agree that the marriage is done. At some point, though, friends are family are going to ask *why*, and (if it were me) I'd want to get my narrative out there before my STBXW had a chance to spin things so far in her favor that I seemed like an absolute d**chebag to anyone willing to listen. Again, there's no need to demonize her -- the truth (stated calmly, concisely, and w/o excessive detail) will be enough.

As far as "educating" her, that's not for her sake, that's for OP.


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## Just Joe (May 26, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Sounds like he's just bought into the blameshifting and deflection to me.
> 
> But hey, so what? Let's say he did neglect her. That doesn't change the fact that after having been married for only a few months, she's already cheating. Hell, like I (and someone else) already said, *she's probably been cheating since before the were married*.


I thought the same thing, she's probably been cheating since before he got married. She sounds awful, didn't approach him to talk about how she felt about the neglect - he does post that he probably neglected her for some months, I take that to mean that he did neglect her, he's just not sure how long.

Anyway, my post was NOT in defense of her cheating. It was to point out something very odd - neglecting your spouse from day one of your marriage. Also, I asked him for some details.

It is very plausible to me that she was cheating from before the marriage. It is equally plausible that she got married, expected to spend time with her husband, has gone 2-3 months without it, and decided "F this sh1t, I'm taking my life back."

Here is what he posted: _"I asked her why, her response was she got her life back."_

My wife cheated on me, I am not sticking up for cheaters, but who gets married and "neglects" (his words, not mine) their spouse from day one?

Not every betrayed spouse is worth defending. Sometimes they are at fault for the marriage going south, too. I agree, not for the cheating, but for the state of the marriage. In a marriage so short, with no kids and no financial ties (I'm guessing here because original poster didn't say), why should she stay? And why should she care about cheating if she's leaving the marriage anyway? It's not what I would choose to do, I think it's morally wrong, but I also recognize that not everyone shares my morals.

Do none of you guys see that in this particular case the cheater seems to have a legitimate complaint?

Also, I know you guys talk about 180 and going cold on the cheater and all that, but is that really one-size-fits-all advice?

In this case, the guy's wife told him she's taking her "life back," she's sick of being neglected, which he admittedly has done, and you think the best way for him to get her back is to neglect her some more?

Now, if you are pushing him to separate and divorce, I happen to agree that it seems the better outcome to me, given his - and her - situation, but, and this is a big BUT, this guy wants to reconcile, so you are giving him advice to do the opposite of what he wants.

That 180 and go cold and file for divorce stuff works most of the time. Hell, I threw my wife's sh1t on the floor and offered to pack her up and send her to her other man, but, and this is another big BUT, I was married for 18 years at the time, and I was not neglecting my wife.

Do you think the advice should be the same in both situations?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So what does your MIL have to say about her daughter hooking up with a married guy?

Let me guess your old lady told her mom you abuse her so she had to move out?

So your wife is an accomplished lier, why are you believing any thing she has to say?

You do understand the OM couldn't join your wife when you were going to bail on the vacation?

Hell the OM propably told your wife he would join her if you weren;'t there...thinking no way in hell you would leave....then you booked a flight and it all fall abort for him and made an excuse why he couldnt join her and so you became her plan B.

You got played...and continue to get played cuz the OM is also playing your wife, so until the OM can commit to your wife she will play you as her plan B.


JUST LET HER GO!!!!!!!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

OP's old lady still wants OM...he can't compete.

Letting her go is the only way to get her to think twice about what she is losing.

If OP wants to make his old lady second guess her choices he has to have the confidence to just let her go.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

and smile while doing it


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

THEY JUST KISSED = THEY HAD SEX !

In your case you can count on it ! 

Why ? Because right after her TT confession, she wants to separate. 

She couldn't even be happy with you on a vacation !

I saw one of your replies that said ":God, you guys are harsh"

Yes, but brutal honesty is almost always harsh ! The people here have seen it all and, unfortunately, lived it all.

We are not being harsh to hurt you, but to open up your eyes to what is really going on.

She is having a full blown PA, and you need to understand that.

Sorry you are here.


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## TheBaxter (May 19, 2014)

Annulment. Go to the courthouse and fill out the paperwork yourself. Much quicker and cheaper than a divorce. The woman you married is a cheating skank. Sorry, but that is what she is. Be glad you didn't waste twenty years of your life on her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Then you don't have a chance and never had one. your SO should be someone that enjoys your company..


Lol, Warlock knows they all tell the betrayed husband this story. Its very rarely true. They tell you this so you won't call his wife. Your wife is in heat/love. The other man is just getting laid. The om almost never wants to bust up his family, for a woman that will cheat on her husband, just for a piece of a$$. Get real. Call her before she really does want to get rid of him.

Get the two books linked to below. They're also sold and downloaded from amazon.com. Mmslp will show you why your wife was attracted to you in the first place and what happened to that attraction.

No kids. Safe bet is to find a good person to marry.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Harsh? Were you hoping to hear we think your marriage should be saved?

A few months? No kids? Why are you hesitating? You are in for a very long life of this if you don't get out now. I ended a 45 year marriage 30 years after I should have. Do you want to waste your life too?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Get STD tests, ASAP.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

johndc30 said:


> Day 2 of our vacation I knew something was up with my wife, for the previous 2 weeks she had been acting weird, hiding her phone and other things.
> I decided to pull her up about it, to which she told me she had kissed a man in work on a night out. I was in shock, *my previous marriage ended the same*, now we've only been married a few months now this.
> 
> 
> (



You have to ask yourself why history is repeating for you.

Figure it out. Get good professional help if necessary.

You have been through this before so you know the whole routine.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

There is a woman in my old neighborhood who is in her late 30's and has been married three times. 

She finds a guy and makes him her whole world until the guy is goo goo for her (she is not attractive at all IMO). She marries him for financial security and then as soon as they are married, her new husband is dirt. 

She starts ignoring her new husband, girls night out.......until the marriage ends....rinse, repeat. 

Was your new wife seeking financial security or something else possibly when you two married? 

Just a thought. 

I'm sure you are devastated beyond words but you should end the marriage. It's a sham and there are good women out there.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I say to not bother in this case. 99% of the time, I'd say go for it.

In this case, I'm saying don't bother, because it's been a 2 month long marriage and frankly, OP can just get out clean and leave it all behind him, relatively easily.

This can be a clean break and he can get on with his life. While I agree that OM's wife SHOULD know, for OP's sake why invite that extra complication to what could be an otherwise easy, quick, and un-complicated divorce/annulment?

In THIS case, he can, and should be able to put this behind him, and fast. The easier he makes it for himself, the better, imo. That's all.



GusPolinski said:


> I agree w/ all of ^this... except for the part in bold. Expose to *EVERYONE*, including the other man's wife. She deserves to know. If they split and your WW and OM wind up together, that's fine. Hell, he'd be doing you a huge favor, as that would keep her from crawling back to you after for at least 3-6 months, during which time you can annul/divorce, begin to heal, and move on w/ your life. They'll also be forced to do whatever they choose to do in the light of truth instead of scurrying around in the dark like c*ckroaches.
> 
> Exposure to your families (assuming that this hasn't been done) will keep her from tearing you down to them. Don't be cruel, petty, or vindictive when you do it. Just calmly let all involved know that she's been cheating on you and that, as a result, you will be pursuing annulment (ideal) or, if necessary, divorce.
> 
> ...


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

alexm said:


> This can be a clean break and he can get on with his life. While I agree that OM's wife SHOULD know, for OP's sake why invite that extra complication to what could be an otherwise easy, quick, and un-complicated divorce/annulment?
> 
> In THIS case, he can, and should be able to put this behind him, and fast. The easier he makes it for himself, the better, imo. That's all.


I agree with him getting out of this and putting it behind him, but not letting this woman know what is going on is just wrong and, frankly, cowardly. She has every right to know what's going on in her marriage and our friend has the knowledge of just what is going on. It would be cruel to withhold this info from her simply for the sake of a path of least resistance.

He's completely in the driver's seat as young of a marriage this is. He just needs to do the right thing for not just himself, but for others involved as well.

JMO


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Meh, whatever. Again, people are going to ask why he's ending his marriage, so there's no reason to not expose in his case. I mean seriously... what would be the difference between exposing and explaining?

And Just Joe, just about every wayward spouse *ever* has complained, lamented, b*tched, griped, whined, or moaned over some degree of neglect suffered at the hands of his/her spouse, pointing at said neglect as absolute justification for his/her infidelity. Does that excuse the wayward's decision to engage in adultery? Duh. No.

There is a single story here on TAM that comes to mind when I think of the affair -- due to the degree and duration of the neglect endured -- as being understandable, and damn near justifiable, and even that *former* wayward is more than willing to own his/her decision to cheat. As a result of this, along w/ the BS's (or former BS... has that term ever been used here?) acknowledgement and admission of said neglect, and a *ton* of heavy lifting by *both*, their marriage is now stronger than ever. 

That's ONE story... and so far, this one doesn't even come close.

Either way, OP hasn't been back in a while, so these may all be moot points.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

3putt said:


> I agree with him getting out of this and putting it behind him, but not letting this woman know what is going on is just wrong and, frankly, cowardly. She has every right to know what's going on in her marriage and our friend has the knowledge of just what is going on. It would be cruel to withhold this info from her simply for the sake of a path of least resistance.
> 
> He's completely in the driver's seat as young of a marriage this is. He just needs to do the right thing for not just himself, but for others involved as well.
> 
> *JMO*


Mine as well, sir.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

3putt said:


> I agree with him getting out of this and putting it behind him, but not letting this woman know what is going on is just wrong and, frankly, cowardly. She has every right to know what's going on in her marriage and our friend has the knowledge of just what is going on. It would be cruel to withhold this info from her simply for the sake of a path of least resistance.
> 
> He's completely in the driver's seat as young of a marriage this is. He just needs to do the right thing for not just himself, but for others involved as well.
> 
> JMO


I can't disagree with you (or Gus) to be honest.

Please understand that I have very high moral standards, despite my advice. I would certainly feel for the OM's wife if I was in OP's shoes, and it's not a case of "meh, she can find out for herself".

But I do really think that it's the best choice in this situation, for OP, and that's who this is about right now. It's about him being stung twice with the same situation, and this time was extremely early on, and the quicker he gets out of it, and the easier he makes it on himself, the better off HE will be. Sometimes, and it's rare, one should focus solely on themselves and not feel like they have to worry about others, and I believe this is a good example of this.

Seriously though, no need to respond, your point is very valid and absolutely not wrong. I can't, won't and wouldn't argue against what you've said, because I actually can't disagree with you.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Just Joe said:


> I thought the same thing, she's probably been cheating since before he got married. She sounds awful, didn't approach him to talk about how she felt about the neglect - he does post that he probably neglected her for some months, I take that to mean that he did neglect her, he's just not sure how long.
> 
> Anyway, my post was NOT in defense of her cheating. It was to point out something very odd - neglecting your spouse from day one of your marriage. Also, I asked him for some details.
> 
> ...


I think people are suggesting he does the 180 because they feel she isn't worth it. Obviously only OP can make that decision, but from what he's said, she doesn't appear to be.

From my POV, neglect or no, she's having an affair. If she felt like she was being neglected, it's up to her to tell her husband that, and then it's up to him to make the change.

If she feels slighted, and her first inclination is to seek out attention elsewhere, she's not marriage material.

And come on, 2 months in? This isn't 10 years of being neglected, attempting to get through to her husband, counselling, etc. and nothing gets better so she has an affair to get what she's been missing. This is 2 months in, and she's taking the easy way out. Good riddance.

So the advice to 180 is directed more to him, for his sake, rather than to spite her, or to get her back. It's so he can get his OWN life back, imo.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

johndc30 said:


> Christ you guys are harsh...


I really kinda cringe when I read threads like these....when the Betrayed Spouse seems hesitant to take advice which is essentially unanimous among the responders. 

You just know the OP's headed for trouble, but he thinks he can make it different somehow. It's like watching a train wreck in slow motion; or, like watching a slasher movie where the victim is stupidly headed for disaster. 

Dude, they're harsh because they know the script. You're not unique. Read the threads. This happens over, and over, and over and over again. Poor betrayed slobs like you sometimes think they can spin it a different way. It never works. Never.

They're harsh like a parent watching their kid run into traffic is going to be harsh.


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## Just Joe (May 26, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Meh, whatever. Again, people are going to ask why he's ending his marriage, so there's no reason to not expose in his case. I mean seriously... what would be the difference between exposing and explaining?
> 
> And Just Joe, just about *every wayward spouse ever has complained, lamented, b*tched, griped, whined, or moaned over some degree of neglect* suffered at the hands of his/her spouse, pointing at said neglect as absolute justification for his/her infidelity. Does that excuse the wayward's decision to engage in adultery? Duh. No.
> 
> ...


Gus, I love your posts, you're a funny guy, but the original poster, the one who was betrayed, is the one who said there was neglect, not her, the cheater. She was not complaining of neglect, he said he neglected her. Well, maybe she implied it with the getting my life back comment, but he is the one who said it's true.

You know, she probably was cheating on him from before the marriage, that was my first thought. Who cheats two months into the marriage, I get it. But who gets married and neglects their wife from day one?

I've read a lot of the threads here, I agree, the wayward claiming neglect is bullsh1t most of the time, but in those cases usually they have a long (or longer) marriage where there is some goodwill built up and the "long hours of neglect" were only fairly recent, OR the betrayed denies it and says it was not that bad. In this case, the marriage was only 2 months old and the neglect lasted the entire time it would seem. I haven't seen another thread like this one. I asked the original poster for some clarification, you know, did he pull the old bait-and-switch on her, give her a lot of time and attention before and then do an about-face after he got married, but he didn't answer. Also, I didn't mention it, but aug did, the original poster also said this is the same thing that happened in his first marriage, which to me is another red flag that something might be up with him. I don't think you should assume that he's good to go just because she cheated.

Anyway, only the original poster can really say, but I think the original poster left. Maybe he will come back later and clear it up. In the meantime, I'm thirsty, who's got the kool-aid?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Just Joe said:


> Gus, I love your posts, you're a funny guy, but the original poster, the one who was betrayed, is the one who said there was neglect, not her, the cheater. She was not complaining of neglect, he said he neglected her. Well, maybe she implied it with the getting my life back comment, but he is the one who said it's true.
> 
> You know, she probably was cheating on him from before the marriage, that was my first thought. Who cheats two months into the marriage, I get it. But who gets married and neglects their wife from day one?
> 
> ...


I will refer you back to this, good sir...



GusPolinski said:


> *Sounds like he's just bought into the blameshifting and deflection to me.*
> 
> But hey, so what? Let's say he did neglect her. That doesn't change the fact that after having been married for only a few months, she's already cheating. Hell, like I (and someone else) already said, she's probably been cheating since before the were married.


Whether he's neglected her a little, a lot, or has been completely snowed over and hasn't neglected her at all, it really doesn't matter, as she's cheating only months into the marriage, and was likely cheating for some time before that. It seems that we're all in agreement on these points.

Either way, let's let the OP say what's what. And if he doesn't come back to do that, then at least he's gotten a lot of solid advice.

And thanks for the compliments! :smthumbup:


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

johndc30 said:


> I decided to pull her up about it, to which she told me she had kissed a man in work on a night out. I was in shock, *my previous marriage ended the same*, now *we've only been married a few months* now this.
> 
> *I told her we can work through it*, her response was I was free to go home if i wanted too.
> 
> ...


So let's see. Your previous marriage ended due to infidelity, which tends to make one callous towards that kind of behavior. Yet you seem completely vulnerable, even though you've been through the exact same thing before.

And you've only been married a few months- not much emotional investment there. Kicking the spouse to the curb should be pretty easy, especially having been scarred up by previous adultery, right?

Instead, you "tell her we can work through it," and she tells you to go away, which left you heartbroken. Except she didn't really tell you to leave, she just said no physical contact, which was so upsetting to you that you made concrete plans to leave. Only then she came into the room crying and asked you not to leave, which was AMAZING!

Then she told you that the two of you could work through it. Which allowed the two of you to have a brilliant vacation with awesome sex, because you like having sex with a woman who has cheated on you.

but then came the last 2 days of the vacation, where she returned to the "no touchie" stance, which caused you to make concrete plans to leave. No, wait, you stuck around.

After you got home, she said you need to separate, which you agreed to even though its not what you want. So she's living at her Mom's house constantly texting the OM and apparently has gone on another vacation, although this one seems to be in-house.

Meanwhile, you do her laundry while implementing the 180 no-contact protocols. And you have joined dating sites, because you desperately want to save your marriage and are heartbroken by your wife's actions.

Fortunately, you have managed to keep your sense of humor, as evidenced by your witty comment that some of us commenters are "harsh" with the grinny face emoticon. 

My advice to you is that you should do whatever it takes to keep this thread alive.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Just Joe, take note... ^This guy is funny. :lol: :rofl:


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP

I hope that deep down you know that she is not worthy of your love. Detach emotionally from her asap. Based on her behavior I don't think she us capable of loving anyone.


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## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

Even if she is back, you are so hurt that thing will never be the same.

Do 180, divorce (annulation if in time), look for CI and move on


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## peacenlove (Jun 16, 2014)

You deserve better...go live your life..there is someone else out there for you. good luck and so sorry.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

looks like a runner. They say they read some threads, but when the advice is to them, and not what they want o hear, bye bye birdie


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

johndc30 said:


> What should I do next, I know she will text me in a couple of days as shes coming back to the house and I'm moving out. Should I text her? How should I respond to texts? Does she still love me?


You should either expose the affair to her family and friends if you're trying to stay married, or you should kick her out.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Best of luck 

If you want to try for R then expose ASAP and read up on the 180. 

To have this happen so soon in your marriage is very concerning.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

OldWolf57 said:


> looks like a runner. They say they read some threads, but when the advice is to them, and not what they want o hear, bye bye birdie


well I will add my 2 cents since i was a lurker her for a long time before i decided to post....
you have to take into consideration how shocked those people that come here during desperate times are....and honestly the feedback they are given, although completely correct in every way, can sound terrifying and intimidating as hell....i wish there was a way to take that shocking fear out of them and allow them to see thru the fog.....
few days after my dday the last thing I wanted to hear was people telling me to push her away, it sounded totally insane....and now I see how much it wasnt and how it was indeed the right thing to do......
but thats part of infidelity isnt it? the shock and awe factor that the BS goes into.....sucks...just saying...


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Wolfman1968 said:


> or, like watching a slasher movie where the victim is stupidly headed for disaster.


And the soon to be dead victim goes out with a flashlight as the weapon of choice.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> I have to disagree w/ this. While exposure _can be effective in breaking up an affair_, that's not it's only purpose, and it shouldn't be used w/ that motivation here.
> 
> By exposing the affair to OMW, OP will be giving her the information that she needs (and deserves) in order to make solid decisions regarding her future, as well as the future of her marriage and family.
> 
> ...


There's another message sent to the social circles. That if you cheat on this man, there will be repurcussions. I might not want the wife or gf back, but your not going to walk away unscathed.


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## TheBaxter (May 19, 2014)

Wonder how he is doing?


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

*Re: Re: Oh God, never thought I'd ever be here..please help*



TheBaxter said:


> Wonder how he is doing?


if he isn't following the advice given here then I would haft to assume he's in his own private hell


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## changedbeliefs (Jun 13, 2014)

Man, it never ceases to amaze me, the language people use. "his own private hell"? Such misery is wished upon people who come here, sincerely trying to deal with an awful situation. What's worst to me is, the exact same mechanism which generally leads TO marriage, is the one that messes it up: i.e., attraction, desire, sexual needs, etc... A marriage can fall short on these, and it's vilified to even purport that those feelings crop back up towards someone else. Are people just supposed to shut that down? I know, they are not SUPPOSED to act on it, and that's all fine and good....but for crying out loud....we are sitting here on a forum with - how many - hundreds of threads, where it happens? Still, a lot of posts speak to a "ruined life," "destroying a family," we inundate these people with condascension and shame, and wonder why some "go running" or withhold some details, e.g. They're trying to find a safe haven among empathetic people (and there are some, don't get me wrong), but an awful lot of you just berate or wish bad things on them or vengeance. Was it another thread, I saw someone say that the cheatee (I don't know the acronyms yet) should rat them out to his family and friends!?!?! Can you imagine another context where we would condone that? It's amazing to me...and the pervasive attitude is that, well, the culprit deserves it. This admittedly incredibly, most difficult of all human relationships, with a forum right here laying out the plethora of problems countless people experience in it, and yet, slip up and cheat, and you are a veritable pariah, deserving of an infinite degree of punishment exacted upon you.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

changedbeliefs said:


> Man, it never ceases to amaze me, the language people use. "his own private hell"? Such misery is wished upon people who come here, sincerely trying to deal with an awful situation. What's worst to me is, the exact same mechanism which generally leads TO marriage, is the one that messes it up: i.e., attraction, desire, sexual needs, etc... A marriage can fall short on these, and it's vilified to even purport that those feelings crop back up towards someone else. Are people just supposed to shut that down? I know, they are not SUPPOSED to act on it, and that's all fine and good....but for crying out loud....we are sitting here on a forum with - how many - hundreds of threads, where it happens? Still, a lot of posts speak to a "ruined life," "destroying a family," we inundate these people with condascension and shame, and wonder why some "go running" or withhold some details, e.g. They're trying to find a safe haven among empathetic people (and there are some, don't get me wrong), but an awful lot of you just berate or wish bad things on them or vengeance. Was it another thread, I saw someone say that the cheatee (I don't know the acronyms yet) should rat them out to his family and friends!?!?! Can you imagine another context where we would condone that? It's amazing to me...and the pervasive attitude is that, well, the culprit deserves it. This admittedly incredibly, most difficult of all human relationships, with a forum right here laying out the plethora of problems countless people experience in it, and yet, slip up and cheat, and you are a veritable pariah, deserving of an infinite degree of punishment exacted upon you.


What can I say, welcome to TAM? You have 2 types on these forums. If you stick around, you'll see who's who and can associate with those you like best.

Also, TAM can appear to be the island of misfit toys. You'll see the worse case marital issues on here. The sections where you'll see the most normal types of people with normal marriages will be in Social, Long Term Success in Marriage and Gen Relationship discussions. Also, men's and woman's forums can be better. CWI and SIM will have the worst problems that should not be seen as typically seen IRL. Be that as it may, there is something for everyone on these boards.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

We are at page 5 and the OP has only ever posted on page 1 and no comment since. Maybe the online creative writing classes are paying off.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

When I found out my husband was cheating on me and had been for years, complete shock is an understatement. 

Two kids, work, no sleep, no food, nauseated,........... Terrible. 

I signed up for some sort of phone number tracer to find out from the cell bill who the numbers where for. I forgot the site and password and username within minutes of making the account. 

Who knows what people are going through who don't come back. I didn't find TAM until I was almost divorced. 

Hopefully he will find his way.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

richie33 said:


> And stop ironing her clothes.


Dude! You ironed your cheating soon to be ex wive's clothes for her?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

murphy5 said:


> Dude! You ironed your cheating soon to be ex wive's clothes for her?


Whats an iron?


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