# Could use some advise?



## kmn750 (Aug 19, 2009)

Heres the background the wife and i have been marriaed for 3 years have two children and we both work.our marriage has had its ups and downs but we manage.so last nov she started a new job and things went way south..she met new friends at work and i was happy that she did because where we live in the country she really didnt have no body down there.

I started to notice that she would come home from work and would be texting her girfriend and talking to her all the time.it didnt bother me at first but it got worse and worse.i also noticed that our emotional conection was slowly fadeing.i tried to talk to her and tell her my feelings but it seemed to fall on deaf ears.this went on for about 6 months we would do good then bad so on and so on.

About 2 months ago i asked her to stop texting so much while we are together,and it did slow down.but reality set in and our relationship was taking a nose dive.so i looked and some emails between her and her friend and found that back in april they had some sexually desire for each other,but it didnt happen if shes telling the truth.i did confront her and she admitted to having some flirting and some talk of what it would be like to be with another woman.

Now to the present day its been hard for me knowing that this has happened and i told her to stop all conversations with this girl she works with and i even called this girl with my wife on the phone to tell her to not to have anymore to do with my wife or i would tell her boyfriend, but they work together.Now the other day my wife told me that its hard not being able to talk with her friend because she really understood her and she didnt really have a best friend.

Now my wife is saying that i need to get past that her friend was the root of the problem and that we needed to comunicate better and this has been going on long before she came into the picture.which i admit we have had communaciton problems all along but something just doesnt seem right.she wants to work on the marriage and i do as well but in the back of my mind i think she is still missing her friend.At this point im in la la land and need advise!


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## amberlynn (May 24, 2009)

I understand just exactly how your wife feels, I understand it down to the core. When I first met my husband, I didnt come forward to him that I was curious about being with another woman. After I moved in with him, a friend of mine that I attended school with, came to me, also curious, we talked about it, she came over, but nothing never happened. He found out about this and was crushed, hurt, and angry that I had even consider going thru with my curiousity. I no longer talk to this other girl, and thats okay with me. I have other friends that arent "curious" and wont get me into trouble, so to speak. Your wife on the other hand, only has this one friend, someone who understands her, and how she feels, most men dont understand how a curious woman feels, and its often hard for a woman to come out to her husband that shes interested in women. If I were you, in your situation, I would seek marriage counsoling, but I wouldnt make your wife cut off all contact with her friend, they do work together, have her limit the time she would talk/hang out with her. Talk to your wife about her feelings, let her open up about how she feels and just sit there and listen, and support her. Hope it all works out.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Please know that what your W is experiencing happens with men too - meaning married heterosexual men in a relationship with other men. It is so hard to understand, but I think its an act of desperation. A cry out for some kind of connection that isn't felt elsewhere. It doesn't mean its your fault, but the two of you might need to really hit a wall and break through it. Put it this way, I have been in your shoes. An affair, physical or emotional, heterosexual or homosexual is just as painful as the 'normal kind' you think everyone 'else' experiences. 
I always say, go with your gut. Be vocal about your feelings. And if you think she's honestly trying to fix things with you, dare to be open to it. Its hard stuff, I know. I'm sorry you are experiencing this and I wish you the best.


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## WTFshewants (Sep 12, 2009)

kmn750,

Treat this like it is an affair with another man. Your wife may have curiosity about what it would feel like to have sex with a woman she hasn't been with before, but the same can be said about having curiosity about what it would be like to have sex with a man she hasn't been with before.

I know this sounds like very "Black and White" logic, but the situation demands respect for your selves and your marriage. 

If your wife feels that she can no longer relate with you and that she is ultimately closer to this other woman, she will probably continue to seek her. 

By forbidding her to see/talk to her friend (possible lover) you are going to make your wife upset, hurt, and maybe even more attracted to the ideas she has of being with this other woman. Remember how Juliet loved Romeo and would do anything to be with him when she was forbidden? This situation is not very different. Temptation is often more attractive when it is a forbidden one.

But what choice do you have when you are standing up for your marriage. Somebody has to, right?

Right, but going ahead and calling the other woman with your wife on the phone to tell them not to see her is slightly belittling to your wife. It is almost like having a parent at her age calling one of her friends and (embarrassingly) telling them they can't play together any more. 

Since the event has already happened, an apology for having done that would be a good place to start the healing.

Then give your wife some trust in this situation so that she can come to terms with her relationship with this other woman. She knows your feelings, so trust her to end the affair herself. 

It is not a bad idea to let the other woman and your wife know that you are insulted by the lack of consideration taking place when they allow your wife to "cheat", but it is best that you don't place yourself in between them, or in the middle of their communication, or you just may find yourself ganged up on.

Keep your marriage between you and your wife. State your wants for your marriage and your relationship to your wife and listen while she tells you what her wants are. 

Make sure you are both completely honest with your basic needs. Ask questions like "What have you found that you absolutely must have in your relationship with someone?" "Is there anything I do that you wish I did more of?" "What about our relationship feels comfortable to you?" "What turns you off?" Tell her your own answers, too.

Let your wife handle letting go of the other woman in her own time, and trust her to do so if she says she will. Together, see if you can sort out how to improve your own relationship so that neither of you feel you have to look for outsiders to fulfill your most important relationship needs.

If, after you work on solving the problems within your relationship, you find that she is still seeking someone else or you find that she is not trustworthy, you'll have to post another thread. But, start at the beginning and see what you two can fix about what's wrong between you both.

Good luck!
Wendy

50 Years and Still Making It! WTFshewants.com asked publicity artists Jeanne and Alan Abel how they manage their successful marriage, and what readers can look forward to for years to come!


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