# Need advice



## askingadvice (Jun 21, 2015)

I've been married for 25 years and have been thinking about divorce for quite a while (5 years at least). Numerous times throughout, I have considered divorce but stayed. I had basically told myself that when my kids were through high school, I would divorce. My wife and I have not had sex in years, we rarely do anything together. I'm to the point that I don't like hanging out with her. So, youngest child will finish HS next year, recently the wife and I have had a few arguments and I've told her things that have bothered me. She said something to me that really took me back, she said that I made her feel that she was never good enough for me. I'm at the point that I think we both deserve to be happy. She isn't making me happy and I don't think I will make her happy. I feel like we are just existing and not really in a marriage. It does not feel like a relationship.
My question, should I talk to my wife and tell her I want a divorce before filing or should I get everything in order and then tell her?
This will be a shock to her. I've talked to a friend that went through a similar situation. His comment was this, long term happiness is more important than short term guilt. That is what I feel when I want to bring this up, is guilt. I don't feel in love with her anymore. I don't feel like spending time with her. ANyone that has gone through this, I'd love to get some advice.


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## Zman (Jun 14, 2015)

I'm in the same situation except at the 32 year mark. I talk to a lot of guys in our age bracket and seems to be a very common theme. I could probably make it work but my wife is so unhappy all the time that it makes me feel horrible for making another human so miserable. Over the last couple of years that sick feeling I used to get when I would think about splitting up is not so bad and some days I can almost dream about how nice it will be not to be blamed for someone else's misery.

She just started hormone replacement therapy but I don't know if that will fix things. I've already let her know we need to start discussing how we are going to split up. I will let you know, you might be better to get yourself and affairs ready before saying anything. She just totally clammed up on me and told me she will get her own attorney.

I hope you can work things out but let us know how things are going either way. I will be interested and am right along with you on this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What have you and your wife done over the years to fix your marriage? It's not clear from what you wrote that it was addressed at all.

If the two of you wanted to fix it, you could.

If you don't, the tell her and see if you two can work out a divorce without high paid attorneys. Most states of self help websites where you can get the forms. You can use a mediator.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

In general, torpedoing a marriage out of the blue is frowned upon here. But it really depends on how you rationalize it. Not two situations are alike.

But it's prudent to talk to a legal resource and find out what you're in for.


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## backpacker (May 30, 2015)

What state do you live in? Here in Louisiana you have to be separated for 180 days and live apart as well before getting a divorce. Unless there is a reason for divorce (adultery, you committed a felony etc.)


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It is important to understand the legal requirements for divorce where you live, and the consequences. After a long marriage, you may be facing alimony, but probably not child support if the kids are all 18 or older. Some states may require you to pay until they complete college or reach 23 - so, that matters for your planning.

I had intended to wait until our son finished high school, after also considering divorce for years. We had talked about it previously, and we'd tried everything to fix our marriage without making any progress. I decided I couldn't live like that for another 3 years, so I exited then.

Whether or not to tell her depends on a variety of factors. How she'd react, would she be vindictive and try to get revenge or sabotage the process, steal or squander assets, or other actions? (You sometimes can't know how low a person will go until it's too late to undo, so be careful.) I suggest researching local laws online to know what you face, and start protecting yourself fairly. Get legal advice so you don't inadvertently break any laws. After that, you can tell her if it seems appropriate, or surprise her later if that is wiser.


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