# Husband too stressed for sex?



## wildoneforhorses (Mar 11, 2013)

I am 32, my hubby is 42. Last time we had sex was last April. I can't even get him to kiss me anymore, well nothing more than a peck. He says he has no interest whatsoever in sex and that I shouldn't take it personally. He blames it on stress from work. I asked him when is the last time he got himself off and he told me last week. So evidently he still has some urge there! Why would he rather take care of himself in the shower when he knows I am there begging for it? It seems like if you were too stressed for sex you would be too stressed for that too. Am I wrong? Can anyone shed some light?


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Maybe he likes his porn.

What does he do for work, hours?

Is he seeing someone at work?

I man at 42 that takes care of himself should still have a healthy sex drive.

Sex to me is the #! stress reliever!!! The more sex, the more mellow and stress free I am.

Try waiting for him in the shower before he gets up. Surprise.

Watch adult movies with him and find out when he likes.


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Since April???? I'd give some serious thought to Cuddlebug's #3.

Sorry but men dont go 11 mos wo sex from stress....especially if he's taking care of business in the shower. No. Sounds like he is not wanting sex wiht you unfortunately. Now you have to get to the 'why' of it.

Good luck.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Yeah, for some reason he has gotten into the habit of jakking off, and that's why your not getting any. That's the surface reason anyway. When a man has cum, he feels completely non-sexual for a while. The older he is the longer it lasts.

If you can get him to stop jackking off, he will probably want sex. Look at it this way: Sperm is a limited commodity. He is wasting his, none left for you.

However, the *reason *he is doing all this, is what is more interesting.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Are you good at sex? Do you keep it interesting? You know, the women in porn do some pretty freaky things....hard to compete with that. Are you still as attractive as when you first married?


----------



## wildoneforhorses (Mar 11, 2013)

He doesn't watch porn, I have hinted at the idea of us watching a movie together but he is not interested. I got mad when he told me he was still jerking off and he said,"do you know how many times I've tried and I couldn't even do it?" 
He runs an electrical contractor business and now the owner wants him to take over the business. More stress! 
I feel like I am good at sex, I do everything he wants, he never has had a problem getting off before. 
He says he has so much going on in his head that sex just isn't a part of it right now. He is supposed to be going to the dr. to see if he can get on something for the stress but not sure it will help.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

This sounds fishy to me. Sex is a great stress reliever. Honestly I'm thinking possible affair. I'd start snooping if I were you. His type of job has a lot of unaccountable time.


----------



## wildoneforhorses (Mar 11, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> This sounds fishy to me. Sex is a great stress reliever. Honestly I'm thinking possible affair. I'd start snooping if I were you. His type of job has a lot of unaccountable time.


I have checked everything, his phone, computer, wallet, I can't find anything that points to an affair. He did come home at midnight a couple nights, they are trying to finish up a job and he had to go help the guys work. Should I check up on that?

We both spent the entire weekend crying with each other. He knows and admits he has a problem and he knows I am ready to give up on our marriage. He thinks as work as his top priority, he says if he didn't work then he wouldn't have a family. I try telling him we are going to be here no matter if you have a job or not that's what family is for. he just doesn't get it.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

wildoneforhorses said:


> He thinks as work as his top priority, he says if he didn't work then he wouldn't have a family.


I'm not buying it. Most men find sex a great stress buster. However, stress can lead to performance anxiety. Did he start to lose his erection during the last few times you had sex?

By the way, unless you are very lucky, any med the Doc gives him is likely to lower his sex drive.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

He spent the weekend crying but still didn't put out? Sorry I'm pretty cynical. I say pay attention to his actions and ignore his words. Something is fishy here. I can't put my finger on it. Perhaps a medical ED issue he's embarrassed about.


----------



## wildoneforhorses (Mar 11, 2013)

MarkTwain said:


> I'm not buying it. Most men find sex a great stress buster. However, stress can lead to performance anxiety. Did he start to lose his erection during the last few times you had sex?
> 
> By the way, unless you are very lucky, and med the Doc gives him is likely to lower his sex drive.


It's been so long I can't even remember what happened the last time we had sex.
When we first started dating he was on anxiety medication which caused problems with him being able to have an erection. His dr. gave him some viagra and he eventually went off the meds and everything was fine. 

Are there any other signs I should be looking out for? If he's having an affair?


----------



## notperfectanymore (Mar 1, 2012)

Is he a passive-aggressive nice guy? If so, I think he just isn't that into you anymore, feels really bad, but can't talk to you about it...hope I'm wrong, just a guess on my part...


----------



## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

Sex is a natural pain & stress reliever. The old "I've got a headache" routine is funny because sex releases headache killing endorphins, not wanting to for stress is the same thing. The pleasure, closeness results in relaxation. He should want to more when he is stressed. An ED issue would cause him to withdraw, so that might be a possibility??


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I'm guessing ED. He can still get off if he's not completely hard, and so rather than get embarrassed about failing penetration, he just grabs his morning wood in the shower and takes care of himself.

get him to the doctor for a checkup. Try to go with him because despite the number of Viagra and Cialis commercials on TV not every guy is comfortable talking about this to their doctor.


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> I'm guessing ED. He can still get off if he's not completely hard, and so rather than get embarrassed about failing penetration, he just grabs his morning wood in the shower and takes care of himself.
> 
> get him to the doctor for a checkup. Try to go with him because despite the number of Viagra and Cialis commercials on TV not every guy is comfortable talking about this to their doctor.


For 11 months?!?!?!? Not once in 11 mos has he been with his wife. There is something more wrong here. I havent heard her say he "cant" with her. He says he "has no interest in sex whatsoever" yet he's rubbing one out in the shower......


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Any signs of cheating?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## wildoneforhorses (Mar 11, 2013)

No signs of cheating I can see. We actually ended up having sex last night!!! :smthumbup::smthumbup:
I asked him how often he was pleasuring himself he said once in the last month and he had tried a couple other times but couldn't do it. Maybe it is ED, but he didn't have any problems last night!


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Good for you 

Maybe he senses that you are beginning to get serious about this. Or maybe it's just coincidence that, round about now, he's pulling out of his funk.

Either way, a wise wife will not send her "inner Sherlock Holms" packing just yet. I'm speaking of emotional issues here, not cheating. Though, anything is possible, even if not very probable.


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

canttrustu said:


> For 11 months?!?!?!? Not once in 11 mos has he been with his wife. There is something more wrong here. I havent heard her say he "cant" with her. He says he "has no interest in sex whatsoever" yet he's rubbing one out in the shower......


Absolutely.

What would you like him to say...

"sorry honey, I can't get hard and I'm embarrassed about it?" Ideally, yeah he should say that but he won't. So he will take his semi-erection and masturbate in the shower and use the excuse that he's just not interested.


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> Absolutely.
> 
> What would you like him to say...
> 
> "sorry honey, I can't get hard and I'm embarrassed about it?" Ideally, yeah he should say that but he won't. So he will take his semi-erection and masturbate in the shower and use the excuse that he's just not interested.


yeah. Ok. I'll buy that. But since he had more than a semi hard one last night it sounds like, I dont think thats the problem at all...And I'd bet he is full mast in the shower alone. My guess is either performance anxiety or he isnt attracted to her.But no physical problem that would cause only a half hard penis as proven last night. Again, jmo.


----------



## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Wildoneonhorses ... my husband was on a big project and was working 6 days a week for 2 yrs., he was so stressed and tired we had sex twice in 2yrs it was a real rough time for us both. There were very few marriages that survived that project and two men committed suicide over stress and broken marriage (one 35yr marriage). Stress can kill a persons libido, you two need to figure out priorities as to where home life and work life balance. For us we decided there was a end date to tbe project and hung on for it to end. Of course me and Mr. Vib built a strong relationship over those two years....its kind of a running joke I tease my husband about having date night with Mr. Vib and having to check my calendar to see if I can work him (my husband) in....;-) that usually gets me a "Grrrrr and to get my a** over here".... a can be a real smart a**, but got to laugh at life sometimes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

I have been there. When I was studying for the Bar, I couldn't. When I have big work projects, I get too stressed. I don't know about a solid year though...


----------



## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

Get a massage table they are great for releasing stress and can lead to some pretty hot sex too


----------



## wildoneforhorses (Mar 11, 2013)

mineforever said:


> Wildoneonhorses ... my husband was on a big project and was working 6 days a week for 2 yrs., he was so stressed and tired we had sex twice in 2yrs it was a real rough time for us both. There were very few marriages that survived that project and two men committed suicide over stress and broken marriage (one 35yr marriage). Stress can kill a persons libido, you two need to figure out priorities as to where home life and work life balance. For us we decided there was a end date to tbe project and hung on for it to end. Of course me and Mr. Vib built a strong relationship over those two years....its kind of a running joke I tease my husband about having date night with Mr. Vib and having to check my calendar to see if I can work him (my husband) in....;-) that usually gets me a "Grrrrr and to get my a** over here".... a can be a real smart a**, but got to laugh at life sometimes.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks for this post! He is on a big project now and on a deadline. He worries about his guys and if they have a job and their families. He worries about everything! Thankfully we have a lot in common and still do things together. I just don't want to be his buddy. He wants me to set up a marriage counselor session for next week, he says he needs to find a way to manage his stress and I need to find a way to be supportive. I will try.


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

wildoneforhorses said:


> Thanks for this post! He is on a big project now and on a deadline. He worries about his guys and if they have a job and their families. He worries about everything! Thankfully we have a lot in common and still do things together. I just don't want to be his buddy. He wants me to set up a marriage counselor session for next week, he says he needs to find a way to manage his stress and I need to find a way to be supportive. I will try.


That is an excellent plan. And the fact that its HIS idea- very encouraging!

Good luck. And yeah, try the massage thing too.


----------



## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

I run my own business. When I am stressed out, I will admit that sex does not cross my mind near as much as it does when things are less stressful. However, it can also be a great stress reliever. 

Go online and buy him some viagra. Have it ready for him when he gets home. Pop the pill, have some dinner, then go at it . Do this a few times and he will have some reduced stress, which may lead to a more physical relationship for you. He is just caught in a crazy cycle and can't get out of it right now. Take some initiative and "push" him out of the cycle.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

bbdad said:


> Go online and buy him some viagra. Have it ready for him when he gets home. Pop the pill, have some dinner, then go at it .


This could be dangerous. Some people have a reaction to Viagra. You are "supposed" to speak to a doctor before taking it. However, if one is going to experiment without medical oversight, it might be best to take a half or a quarter on the first go, rather than a whole one.

I have never tried V myself, only repeating what I have read.


----------



## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

Sorry, I guess that sarcasm doesn't come through in text. I wasn't expecting anyone to take that serious to buy some Vitamin V online without checking with a Dr first.

The point was just to get him to do it in order to break the cycle of too much stress. Sex will provide a stress relief, but too much stress and no desire for sex. May have to just have it the first few times without desire...eventually as increased sex allows for stress relief, then desire should return.


----------



## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

He should have no problem with you asking him if you can jerk him off. Then you will have your answer. Either he will say yes and you do get him off, or if he truly has a medical issue he will not get hard. 

If he does not even try to let you I would start digging very deep. This is very far from normal!!!


----------



## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

LoriC said:


> He should have no problem with you asking him if you can jerk him off. Then you will have your answer. Either he will say yes and you do get him off, or if he truly has a medical issue he will not get hard.
> 
> If he does not even try to let you I would start digging very deep. This is very far from normal!!!



If he is having stress-related ED, he might not want to be "jerked off" because he'll be worried about getting it up for the experience. That is, he'll avoid the situation entirely.


----------



## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

wildoneforhorses said:


> I am 32, my hubby is 42. Last time we had sex was last April. I can't even get him to kiss me anymore, well nothing more than a peck. He says he has no interest whatsoever in sex and that I shouldn't take it personally. He blames it on stress from work. I asked him when is the last time he got himself off and he told me last week. So evidently he still has some urge there! Why would he rather take care of himself in the shower when he knows I am there begging for it? It seems like if you were too stressed for sex you would be too stressed for that too. Am I wrong? Can anyone shed some light?


Mrs. Wild,

I am LD and when I am all stressed out due to work (I work for the government), then I am absolutely totally not thinking of sex. That's the way some persons are wired, myself included. 

But that's no reason to cut off the intimacy. KISSING does not take much energy, so if your hubby does not want to kiss you deeply, that's a problem. 

Some people actually do put their self-worth in their business achievements, and feel like "less worthy as a person" if their business accomplishments is not as good as they want it to be. This could seriously mess with their head, to the point where they prefer masturbation over real sex, because they think like this "I am not worthy of having sex with my spouse until I am successful at business". Sounds twisted? Extremely weird? Indeed!! VERY twisted. But then again, human behavior are often weirder than we could imagine.

These kind of people need to be convinced by their spouses, that "I love you just the way you are, don't stress too much over business, the most important thing is we have each other..". Or something to that effect.

I agree with Mrs. Lori, who said this:



> ..He should have no problem with you asking him if you can jerk him off. Then you will have your answer. Either he will say yes and you do get him off, or if he truly has a medical issue he will not get hard..


Why don't you try that advice. Say something to him like "I know you're all stressed out, so I am doing this as a favor to you, I love you and it kills me to see you all stressed like that..". Maybe it will actually work to relieve his stress, and hopefully he would reciprocrate.

Or, if he cannot get it hard, it's a medical issue, and it's time to dial in professional help!


----------



## wildoneforhorses (Mar 11, 2013)

He was awake this morning so I asked him if I could give him a bj before he had to get up and go to work. I told him him it might help start his day a little less stressful and he can think back on it during the day. He laughed and changed the subject. Then that made me upset and after he gets dressed he sees I am crying and has no clue as to why?


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

wildoneforhorses said:


> He was awake this morning so I asked him if I could give him a bj before he had to get up and go to work. I told him him it might help start his day a little less stressful and he can think back on it during the day. He laughed and changed the subject. Then that made me upset and after he gets dressed he sees I am crying and has no clue as to why?


Have you made that MC appt yet??? Sounds like you need it for sure.


----------



## wildoneforhorses (Mar 11, 2013)

canttrustu said:


> Have you made that MC appt yet??? Sounds like you need it for sure.


Yes, Monday at 9 am!


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

wildoneforhorses said:


> Yes, Monday at 9 am!


Good bc 1 time in 11 mos imo is NOT stress IMO. Especially if he can manage while alone.....Then it is not a physical problem it is stress related to the relationship(especially since HE requested MC) and needs to be dealt with before it gets any further out of hand since this is clearly affecting you so deeply. And rightfully so. Being rejected by your H is painful. I hope he is open in counseling so it goes quickly for you.


----------



## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

wildoneforhorses said:


> He was awake this morning so I asked him if I could give him a bj before he had to get up and go to work. I told him him it might help start his day a little less stressful and he can think back on it during the day. He laughed and changed the subject. Then that made me upset and after he gets dressed he sees I am crying and has no clue as to why?


Ouch! I honestly have never heard of a man refusing a BJ? But why did you ask him if he wanted one, why not just start giving him one?

Very good move on getting the marriage counseling set up. I wish you the best of luck!


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

LoriC said:


> Ouch! I honestly have never heard of a man refusing a BJ? But why did you ask him if he wanted one, why not just start giving him one?
> 
> Very good move on getting the marriage counseling set up. I wish you the best of luck!


BC I suspect she has been in this position before...


----------



## wildoneforhorses (Mar 11, 2013)

LoriC said:


> Ouch! I honestly have never heard of a man refusing a BJ? But why did you ask him if he wanted one, why not just start giving him one?
> 
> Very good move on getting the marriage counseling set up. I wish you the best of luck!


I asked because him saying no would be better than pushing me away and if he is having ED problems and couldn't get it up that would of been bad. If he had been sleeping i would of just started. He did wake up in the middle of the night complaining about his chest being tight and the first thing he thought of was stuff he had to do at work. Maybe a mini panic attack?


----------



## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Well,you say he's not cheating so that's good.He says hes really
stressed out so If you can deal with it,just be a listening spouse.
Maybe if he open up and talk this will help both of you.

Try giving him a massage after he gets home if he's willing.
This might get him revved up.Also keep an eye out if he's
showing signs of depression.

Your husband sounds just like me,even after work you can't
slow your mind down,you relive your day.Over time it takes 
its toll on you.Your husband could be the sensitive type,
who constantly worries,even when things are in control.


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Nearly a year without sex because he's too stressed? What is he doing to reduce his work related stress levels?

Stress is a key factor in creating ED in males and, coupled with the fact that he's over 40, this could be why he's avoiding having sex with you. If the root cause is indeed stress, he needs to prioritize finding some sort of solution for it, instead of masturbating and denying you physical intimacy.


----------



## wildoneforhorses (Mar 11, 2013)

Cosmos said:


> Nearly a year without sex because he's too stressed? What is he doing to reduce his work related stress levels?
> 
> Stress is a key factor in creating ED in males and, coupled with the fact that he's over 40, this could be why he's avoiding having sex with you. If the root cause is indeed stress, he needs to prioritize finding some sort of solution for it, instead of masturbating and denying you physical intimacy.


He isn't doing anything to reduce his stress. He used to love to go hunting but now I have to shove him out the door. He is actually going on a hunting trip with a few friends, leaving today for 3 days. Maybe he can unwind a bit while he is with the guys.


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

wildoneforhorses said:


> He isn't doing anything to reduce his stress. He used to love to go hunting but now I have to shove him out the door. He is actually going on a hunting trip with a few friends, leaving today for 3 days. Maybe he can unwind a bit while he is with the guys.


Any chance of you also getting away somewhere for a change of scene yourself, or turning those 3 days into a giant pampering routine for yourself?

Perhaps the break will help relieve your H's stress, OP, but if not I'd suggest MC. No one should have to live in a sexless marriage - man or woman.


----------



## wildoneforhorses (Mar 11, 2013)

Cosmos said:


> Any chance of you also getting away somewhere for a change of scene yourself, or turning those 3 days into a giant pampering routine for yourself?
> 
> Perhaps the break will help relieve your H's stress, OP, but if not I'd suggest MC. No one should have to live in a sexless marriage - man or woman.


Sadly no, I have work and the kids. But I did take the day off, trimmed up down there, shaved, put on my makeup and was applying lotion to my legs when H came in the door. He asked why I was doing all of that and I told him for myself, so I can feel attractive and then he asked who was coming over since he is going out of town. I guess a little jealousy never hurts!


----------



## d2snow (Mar 17, 2013)

sigh ... I feel for you wildoneforhorses, lol.

Hubby always had a lower SD than me, sexless for over 5 years, he claims it was stress from work and his family. yet he always found time to go golfing with his buddies.

i've offered to 'hand-service' him but he refuses. I've pleaded with him to go to a doctor and get tested. said he would, but still has not. he swears he has no resentments toward me, loves me, etc. 

in the past year, when we finally started to try to have sex again (after much talking about our problems) he had trouble finishing. 

I got tired of trying to inititate it since he is still not very interested and when we did, he couldn't finish. still blames it on stress issues (after all these years!)

he refuses to go to MC and says he's trying to work on his issues himself - won't accept my help. Apparently there is no hope, so I decided to separate and moved to Honolulu. Am now contemplating divorce, but he doesn't want that.

So confused ...


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

d2snow said:


> he refuses to go to MC and says he's trying to work on his issues himself - won't accept my help. Apparently there is no hope, so I decided to separate and moved to Honolulu. Am now contemplating divorce, but he doesn't want that.
> 
> So confused ...


If all else fails, there is always the ultimatum. This is my personal belief and I have no proof, but I believe that men respond better to ultimatums than women. Women hate them; they will look to get even. Men on the other hand are more likely to take the view that they "had it coming". Your hubby is keeping information from you. It might just be emotional information. Or he might be having an affair. 

I used to live next door to a couple where the man would not have sex with the wife. We knew this because we could here her begging through the walls! They had a kid because they went on holiday one year and he got horny! 

He was always off playing golf. Last I hear, he finally left her and moved in with a man. I'm not saying that is what is happening here. But the fact is, there is a reason for everything. I am beginning to form the opinion, that the reasons things happen are probably not as important, as how one reacts to the situation. After all, we seldom get to the truth of anything.


----------



## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

wildoneforhorses said:


> I am 32, my hubby is 42. Last time we had sex was last April. I can't even get him to kiss me anymore, well nothing more than a peck. He says he has no interest whatsoever in sex and that I shouldn't take it personally. He blames it on stress from work. I asked him when is the last time he got himself off and he told me last week. So evidently he still has some urge there! Why would he rather take care of himself in the shower when he knows I am there begging for it? It seems like if you were too stressed for sex you would be too stressed for that too. Am I wrong? Can anyone shed some light?


I* am giving you my reply to another thread from this morning.....*my wife and I have been married 47 years...Our marriage was in a bad place, no sex, no affection, lots of fights, to the point of discussing divorce...After a big blowout, she said someone told her about a book that might help....I was so desperate I ordered it that day....Ten bucks on ebay...

The book was "The 5 Love Languages"...I had NO hope the book would help...When we got it, she started reading it, but after a couple of chapters had to do chores, so I picked it up and started reading...The premise is simple, The wording isn't psycological crap, and it made sense....I don't think I put the book down till I finished it......Then the wife picked it up, and finished reading it....

A person feels good about the person who fulfills them emotionally...It makes that person EASY TO LOVE...

The whole point of the book is that different people need different things to feel emotionally fulfilled...You speak the language you understand to your mate, and they reply in the language they understand.....If both don't speak the same languages they do not give their mate the emotional support they they crave...They become emotionally bankrupt....

There are 5 languages:
1 Acts of service
2 physical touch
3 Words of affirmation
4 Quality time
5 gifts


If you need "Physical touch" And your mate speaks gifts...
You are craving a hug, and sex, and she buys you a ROLEX......
You become emotionally bankrupt.....

Your wife craves "words of affirmation", and you tile the bathroom....She is going to be pissed....

You are both saying I love and support you, and both of you hear 
nothing but gibberish....

If two people decide they want to love one another, and want their partner to be emotionally fulfilled, The book will show both of them how...

People who learn how to communicate have less conflict...It's as simple as that...

Saturday my wife was in a bad mood...We are doing some work on the kitchen, and she felt she had wasted the morning because she couldn't find a light fixture....She came home and began acting out in a negative manner.....In the past I would have picked up on it, fed off of it, and a blowout would have ensued...DEAD CERTAIN.....

Instead I tried to tease and reason her out of her mood...Everything stayed light, and no fighting...

Sunday I lay down after breakfast to watch TV. The wife joind me and said she had been silly for being in such a bad mood the day before, and was very affectionate....

We had HONEYMOON SEX for 3 hours.....It was absolutely one of those lovemaking sessions that you always remember.....

It was not the first time we have done that since reading the book........

How much would a day like that mean to you.....

If you look up my threads last Oct.-Dec. You will se the absolute hell my life was then....If someone had told me they could make this big a change in my marriage, for $5,000 cash....I would have paid GLADLY.....Not bad for $10 on ebay....


*
I think this reply fits you as well...We went fom no sex, all excuses to hours long sessions of wonderful lovemaking...I can't promise you the same results, but you don't have anything to loose....*
Good luck
the woodchuck


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Woodchuck said:


> Instead I tried to tease and reason her out of her mood...Everything stayed light, and no fighting...


I read a book I did not really like, but he had one REALLY useful thing to say: Part of the male role is to bounce the female out of their negative moods. He said that women often get into these moods even though they don't really want to. If the guy can just playfully tease them, it can dissipate it. It needs a certain lightness of touch to pull it off...

Sorry to go off topic, OP.


----------



## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Happyquest said:


> Get a massage table they are great for releasing stress and can lead to some pretty hot sex too


Massage, the worlds best foreplay.....

And yes to the massage induced sex....Especially if the one giving the massage is naked too....I feel all exposed to all kinds of little nips and tickles....

good luck
the woodchuck


----------



## wildoneforhorses (Mar 11, 2013)

I have been really doing some cuddling with my hubby. I think he just wants me to be there for him. He was all over me Sun morning and we did it again Sun. WooHoo 2x times in a week, already more than last year!! I have really had to watch my "bit*hing" and complaining and that has helped tremendously! He gets enough of that at work. I read Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue Book and he really focuses on the power the change yourself and how to take control of your relationship. I think it is helping. I can see the stress starting the creep back in to my husband but he has decided to change some things dealing with work as well and that should help.


----------



## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

Twice in one week, way to rub it in. Just kidding, I'm extremely happy for your progression & keep it up.


----------



## LadybugGirl (Mar 19, 2013)

New here.  
I decided to join b/c the posts are intelligent, respectful and offer insight, but I have to admit I am uncomfortable. 
I, too have the same situation for a long time now.


----------



## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

LadybugGirl said:


> New here.
> I decided to join b/c the posts are intelligent, respectful and offer insight, but I have to admit I am uncomfortable.
> I, too have the same situation for a long time now.


Welcome lady bug. Thats the best part there is always someone that can offer advice and give you an opinion other than your own. Sometimes good advice and sometimes not so good. 

The best thing is someone can always relate to about any issue that you can think of.


----------



## d2snow (Mar 17, 2013)

LadybugGirl said:


> New here.
> I decided to join b/c the posts are intelligent, respectful and offer insight, but I have to admit I am uncomfortable.


LoL, you'll get over that pretty quickly. Everyone here is very open and can offer insights from a 3rd perspective.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

wildoneforhorses said:


> but he has decided to change some things dealing with work as well and that should help.


Just don't encourage him to go down the medication route for stress. Apart from all the other side effects, you will proabably never have sex again


----------



## LadybugGirl (Mar 19, 2013)

MarkTwain said:


> Just don't encourage him to go down the medication route for stress. Apart from all the other side effects, you will proabably never have sex again


My husband takes meds for anxiety and it's always been a challenge but I've never pressured him or judged him but I have to say I've felt deeply rejected at times and resented him for it. I don't remember the last time we were intimate. I feel myself shutting down, losing hope that things will improve. He is constantly on his cellphone (txting, FB, BBM) which in turn feeds my insecurities (am I not attractive to him, is he cheating?) to make things worse I had an accident which left me injured and home bound, going stir crazy with these negative thoughts. I spy on his FB and get so upset over his chatting. He comes home, he's not late, cares for me(food, shopping, etc) and always calls/msg when I need him, even just to have him check in to see how I am. So why can't I get past my insecurities?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LadybugGirl (Mar 19, 2013)

Happyquest said:


> Welcome lady bug. Thats the best part there is always someone that can offer advice and give you an opinion other than your own. Sometimes good advice and sometimes not so good.
> 
> The best thing is someone can always relate to about any issue that you can think of.


Thank you, I appreciate that I can be honest and open here. I've tried to speak to my husband but it is a *very* touchy subject and no matter how I approach it it ends in a fight, me crying and feeling badly. I hope I can get some new perspective to understand him and change my reactions to the triggers and insecurities.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

I think whenever a spouse isn't giving you enough attention or intimacy, it is normal to feel a little insecure when they are giving it to everyone else. Just be careful with accusations.


----------



## LadybugGirl (Mar 19, 2013)

woundedwarrior said:


> I think whenever a spouse isn't giving you enough attention or intimacy, it is normal to feel a little insecure when they are giving it to everyone else. Just be careful with accusations.


Yes, I've come to realize my questioning is pushing him further away, and he'll say it's because he's stressed/sick/tired. Sometimes he'll surprise me (flowers, brings dinner home, good conversation) but then retreats the next day to minimum communication, the tv, cell, go to sleep after dinner or stay up super late to outlast me (I'm a pumpkin by 10 when after working fulltime and caring for our daughter and her activities, the dog etc..) almost like "there, that will shut her up awhile", but still no intimacy other than a peck on the cheek IF that.
I never felt insecure/jealous before in our relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

Try to not let the neglect bother you. Get the mindset that if something happens or not, you are still okay. This has become a win win situation for me. If they become affected by your lack of attention or trying, it may wake them up or if not then you will start to adapt & it won't bother you anymore. It still makes me sad at times, so I don't focus on it. I've chosen to stay out of having unconditional love, but it is fully justifiable to leave, because really it's not a real marriage & we do deserve better.


----------



## wildoneforhorses (Mar 11, 2013)

MarkTwain said:


> Just don't encourage him to go down the medication route for stress. Apart from all the other side effects, you will proabably never have sex again


He has been down this route before and had to get on viagra for help!(When we first starting dating) I told him no way he was getting back on that medicine!


----------



## wildoneforhorses (Mar 11, 2013)

LadybugGirl said:


> Thank you, I appreciate that I can be honest and open here. I've tried to speak to my husband but it is a *very* touchy subject and no matter how I approach it it ends in a fight, me crying and feeling badly. I hope I can get some new perspective to understand him and change my reactions to the triggers and insecurities.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, I can relate. I was so bitter and angry. Every little thing he did I blew out of proportion. I accused him of cheating, of being gay, and the more I complained about it the more I drove him away, I can see that now. But when you are so hurt and feel so lonely you really don't care what you say to them. He said all I cared about from him was sex because that's the only thing I ever brought up. Well that's because that was the only thing we had to argue about. He just wanted to know that I was there for him, somehow he didn't feel like I was. I finally figured out what he needed and now it's gotten better.


----------



## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

Has he been checked for low T? My H also is stressed out, has major anxiety and we didn't have sex for years, yes years. Thanks to TAM, I learned about low T and the symptoms. I suggested to my H that he talk to his urologist (he sees one for kidney stones). Sure enough, it was way low. He is now on shots and life is good. He feels better (he was suffering from being really tired in the afternoon and exacerbated his depression) and he's in the mood and can finish! He thought his ED was from kidney stone procedures that he had had, but low and behold it wasn't, but he didn't want to tell me. Our problems in the bedroom predated the kidney stone procedures, but it made things worse for us.

See if he will get his T levels checked!


----------



## wildoneforhorses (Mar 11, 2013)

Hubby is back!! Sex again last night!:smthumbup: Wonder if it's any coincidence that his big project at work is finished? Whatever the reason I don't care as long as he keeps it coming...


----------



## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

Great news, I'm extremely happy for you!!!!


----------



## LadybugGirl (Mar 19, 2013)

That is interesting about the T levels...thank you! Extreme fatigue: he comes home from work and sleeps, gets up eats sometimes tv and goes back to bed. Weekends he says is catch up sleep. You have given me some hope with your suggestions everyone and I love that we have good news! 😊
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

