# What's a high number?



## Oldfaithful

Before you read other responses, what is a high number in terms of people a woman has slept with?


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## johnAdams

2


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## RandomDude

lol


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## I Notice The Details

8 would be a HIGH number....


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## ScarletBegonias

wouldn't that depend on her age? Do gentlemen expect an unmarried woman of oh let's say 45 to have 2 partners in her lifetime?


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## I Notice The Details

ScarletBegonias said:


> wouldn't that depend on her age? Do gentlemen expect an unmarried woman of oh let's say 45 to have 2 partners in her lifetime?


That is what I am thinking too. Big difference if a college girl says 5 or a 45 year old single woman says 5. Age does make a difference in this question. I agree with Scarlet.


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## alexm

This again! lol

In the interest of actually discussing the topic, I've always felt that double digits is "high" (ie. 10 or more).

BUT, I don't really care. It's all about context, as well as age. I was my ex wife's 6th, but she was 16 when we started dating. I am my current wife's, oh, 20-something, but the only one that matters. And we are well into our 30's.

I'm not old fashioned, I'm not a prude, I love sex, BUT, I also believe sex is to be shared by two people who at least know, like and respect each other enough to do so. I don't fall into the camp where two people have to be in love to be intimate. I am not _against_ ONS or casual sex (as I have partaken, as have most/all of you), however it should be in moderation.

If your wife/gf/husband/bf has had 20 partners and they've all been actual relationships (whether they were for 2 months or 2 years) then no big deal imo. If 18 of the 20 partners have been hook ups, that could be a different issue. Or not.

The # doesn't matter one way or another. It's the context, age, and many other variables that matter.


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## Caribbean Man

A " high number" is a relative or subjective term.
It is any number that you aren't personally comfortable with.


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## Shazz1991

alexm said:


> This again! lol
> 
> I don't really care. It's all about context, as well as age. I was my ex wife's 6th, but she was 16 when we started dating. I am my current wife's, oh, 20-something, but the only one that matters.


Totally agree. I'm on the high end of the scale but hubby's no problem with it and knows all about it.


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## Oldfaithful

Caribbean Man said:


> A " high number" is a relative or subjective term.
> It is any number that you aren't personally comfortable with.



That was the point of the thread: what are you uncomfortable with or what would you consider high?


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## Married but Happy

My _personal _opinion is that "high" would be over 30 - but it's not at all a problem. _Possibly _problematical - for me - would be over 70. 

On the other hand, I'd be suspicious and skeptical of anyone with less than 5 at my age (unless there are extenuating circumstances), at least in terms of a potential relationship.


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## Wolf1974

Hmm anything double digits I guess would be high to me. 

That said who those partners were are more important than number. In other words if given option of dating two women ,one with the number 20 other with 2, but the 2 had an affair as one of those sexual encounters I would immediately pass her by. Quality of person is way more important than a number


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## Faithful Wife

A high number is when you toke a doob before you go on stage and do your tap dance performance.


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## CharlieParker

Numbers threads are the new penis size threads. Is 7 high? Oh wait, that's the number of her ex's I've met in person (but that hasn't happened in years). 

More seriously I'd call high somewhere in the 30 to 50 range.


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## Thor

It depends on her age and life experiences. It also depends on why I would be interested in her. Am I dating her casually or am I screening for a potential future wife?

Under 25 and never married: 8
35 and never married: 15
Over 35 and never married: Doesn't matter, she's not marriage material for me whether it is 1 or 100.

If she's divorced, more than 1 per year average since the divorce.

I admit to being an older and traditional kind of man. These reflect how things were for me at those ages. For my son, 18, I think it is quite different. For example, oral was not common when I was a teen, certainly not as a casual activity for hookups. For me, oral would be added to The Number. But in his generation oral is much more accepted as a casual non-number activity. ONS are more common in college now than 35 years ago. Even with the same basic moral template as me, I would expect him to be comfortable with higher numbers than I was.


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## bbdad

50+...maybe... I really don't care about past romps as long as it doesn't affect what is happening today.


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## treyvion

That if they had over 500 sexual encounters, mostly unprotected?


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## Thor

Similarity in experience is equally important imo. There is an enormous difference between 0 and 1. For the virgin, the partner with 1 or 2 previous lovers has a high number. For someone with 5, they might see 10+ as high, but someone with 20 would be quite comfortable with someone who also had 20.


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## treyvion

bbdad said:


> 50+...maybe... I really don't care about past romps as long as it doesn't affect what is happening today.


If they were multi dating, cheating on folks, decieving them, doing player stuff right up to and before they met you, I can almost guarantee you that those activities will not completely shut down just because they think they found love. They have been conditioned and it takes years for it to either wear off or enough bad experiences accumulate for them to not want to do it anymore.


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## CharlieParker

Thor said:


> Similarity in experience is equally important imo. There is an enormous difference between 0 and 1. For the virgin, the partner with 1 or 2 previous lovers has a high number. For someone with 5, they might see 10+ as high, but someone with 20 would be quite comfortable with someone who also had 20.


IDK, maybe we're outliers but 0 vs 70+ has worked out OK for us, it's just not a big deal.


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## Cosmos

Oldfaithful said:


> Before you read other responses, what is a high number in terms of people a woman has slept with?


Why is this gender specific?:scratchhead:


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## thunderstruck

I'm all for double standards, so I'd say her number should be at, or less than 1/3 of my number.:moon:


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## Oldfaithful

Cosmos said:


> Why is this gender specific?:scratchhead:



I keep reading threads where this comes up as an issue for men. I don't see anything from women who are concerned with his number. People keep talking about someone having a high number but I have no clue what that is. So I asked. 

Does a long distance fling with Sexting and phone sex count?


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## Oldfaithful

thunderstruck said:


> I'm all for double standards, so I'd say her number should be at, or less than 1/3 of my number.:moon:



But why? I'm trying to understand what difference it makes.


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## Thunder7

AAARRGGHHH!! 

Sorry. That's just how I feel about this thread. Of course, the dreaded RJ won't stop me from reading it in its entirety.


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## Oldfaithful

Thunder7 said:


> AAARRGGHHH!!
> 
> Sorry. That's just how I feel about this thread. Of course, the dreaded RJ won't stop me from reading it in its entirety.



Sorry what is RJ? 

Why does it bother you? I'm sorry.


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## Thunder7

Retroactive Jealousy. You could probably do an entire research paper based on RJ threads on TAM. Once you know what it is, you'll know why it bothers me, and samyeager, and jarthur, and lordhavok. Ah, the list goes on and on. But, I'm coping.


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## Oldfaithful

Thunder7 said:


> Retroactive Jealousy. You could probably do an entire research paper based on RJ threads on TAM. Once you know what it is, you'll know why it bothers me, and samyeager, and jarthur, and lordhavok. Ah, the list goes on and on. But, I'm coping.



I take it this is based solely on the ideas in your head and not things a spouse says like "he was so much better than you." 

It doesn't sound like something that you can logically explain away but as someone who has a lot more experience in terms of quantity than my mate, it just really and truly doesn't have anything to do with him. Other than maybe just making me more appreciative of him. 
I can barely remember sex with my exhusband. 
There's nothing I've done with people in the past I wouldn't do with him and a lot of things I never did with anyone casual. 
People change so much over time. The person I was ten years ago or twenty years ago isn't me now. 
I don't know it just really don't think about unless this topic is brought up here and I just think "huh?"
I wish I had met my husband earlier but I didn't. Is trade in some of my numbers to have him be the only one but that's not going to happen.


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## Cosmos

Oldfaithful said:


> I keep reading threads where this comes up as an issue for men. I don't see anything from women who are concerned with his number. People keep talking about someone having a high number but I have no clue what that is. So I asked.
> 
> Does a long distance fling with Sexting and phone sex count?


I think the reason why it's possibly more of an issue for some men is because traditionally a woman having had several previous sex partners was far from the norm. However, since the sex revolution (and the availability of birth control) this is no longer the case, and men are still trying to get their heads around it. Women, on the other hand, traditionally never had such expectations of men, so this might be why it isn't a problem for them.


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## Thunder7

Oldfaithful said:


> I take it this is based solely on the ideas in your head and not things a spouse says like "he was so much better than you."


Correct. Also, the reason I never ask questions about where I rank on her list, regarding either performance or size. Those are answers that could only make it worse. Even if they're on the positive side.


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## Oldfaithful

Thunder7 said:


> Correct. Also, the reason I never ask questions about where I rank on her list, regarding either performance or size. Those are answers that could only make it worse. Even if they're on the positive side.



Why would it make it worse? Jeez the first week we were together I told him he was the best. Maybe some women just don't say those things.


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## Oldfaithful

Cosmos said:


> I think the reason why it's possibly more of an issue for some men is because traditionally a woman having had several previous sex partners was far from the norm. However, since the sex revolution (and the availability of birth control) this is no longer the case, and men are still trying to get their heads around it. Women, on the other hand, traditionally never had such expectations of men, so this might be why it isn't a problem for them.



Maybe these people are all older that would explain it.


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## JustSomeGuyWho

Oldfaithful said:


> *I keep reading threads where this comes up as an issue for men. I don't see anything from women who are concerned with his number. *People keep talking about someone having a high number but I have no clue what that is. So I asked.
> 
> Does a long distance fling with Sexting and phone sex count?


My first instinct is that it is a problem for a lot of men due to insecurity. We are competitive, we want to be the best lover she's ever had, etc. It may make us wonder if she will be satisfied with us and may want to move on ... or worse, be unfaithful. That's all about insecurity with a little bit of truth. There's a reason she moved on from these other men too. I don't know if that would be a problem for me ... I would look at it the other way; she was with all these other men and yet she has chosen to be with me.

For me and maybe other men, it is somewhat of a red flag if the number is extremely high. The reason is that I have known numerous women who sleep around A LOT due to their own insecurities or problems. It isn't necessarily about sex, they are having sex to fill something in their lives. At the worst, a few of them are cheaters too ... never leaving one relationship without having another one lined up to take it's place. That isn't true of all women who have had a lot of partners but you see enough of them to raise the red flag. On the face of it, that doesn't sound like long term partner material to me. That doesn't mean I wouldn't take the chance and see how it goes instead of making assumptions. Just have fun, learn everything you can about her and if doesn't work out then chalk it up to another experience.


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## Thunder7

Oldfaithful said:


> Why would it make it worse? Jeez the first week we were together I told him he was the best. Maybe some women just don't say those things.


Hmmm. OK. I've always been told (maybe incorrectly) that sex is not a competition. So, if someone says,'you're the best I've ever had', it has now become a competition. No. She gets uncomfortable talking about sex, so she has never verbalized whether I was 'the best', in an unsolicited manner. So, if I ask and she says after 20+ years I am not, I will be devastated. And if she says I am, I will be suspicious of why she never said so in the past. Loose-loose proposition.


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## Caribbean Man

Oldfaithful said:


> That was the point of the thread: what are you uncomfortable with or what would you consider high?


That's why I said that it is relative.
Relative to your perception and what you want out of a relationship with that person.

Even pornstars have steady boyfriends and husbands.
Belladonna for example. Her husband was once her manager until she decided to quit porn. Today they still remain married, and happy I suppose. They made a lot of money from porn.

Then there is also former pornstar Asia Carerra ,who got married and divorced twice and both her husbands were wealthy men.

I don't know many men out there who would want to marry a pornstar , because they might probably feel insecure.
The same type of dynamic tend to play out sometimes in normal relationships when marriage is being considered.

What is a high number for me?

I don't have any " high number."
What I'm more concerned with is what was the thinking / emotional state behind the number whether it is " high" or " low ",
And how does it impact our present relationship.


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## Oldfaithful

Thunder7 said:


> Hmmm. OK. I've always been told (maybe incorrectly) that sex is not a competition. So, if someone says,'you're the best I've ever had', it has now become a competition. No. She gets uncomfortable talking about sex, so she has never verbalized whether I was 'the best', in an unsolicited manner. So, if I ask and she says after 20+ years I am not, I will be devastated. And if she says I am, I will be suspicious of why she never said so in the past. Loose-loose proposition.




Well it's silly isn't it because if you fall in love with someone then everything they do is awesome in the beginning. 
We just have a really great connection and that flows over into sex. I was only the second person he slept with and man, quantity really has nothing to do with quality. 
He was with the same person for a long time and they didn't have a very good sex life. Mostly because of her issues I think. 
It's kind if like every person you fall in love with you think that you love them more than previous people. I've only loved three men and maybe my capacity to love and to find what I want is greater so I do love him more. 

Our minds and our memories change and play tricks on us. I haven't been with my ex husband for seven years and we were together for fifteen. I barely remember what he looked like naked, I barely remember sex with him. 
I think if you have been with her for twenty years she probably can't remember much from before you. And really in twenty years what a woman wants from sex and a relationship is going to change. So you really can't even compare it.


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## DavidWYoung

8 would be a high number in high school, less than 50 would be high at 50.Just my 2 cents David


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## ScarletBegonias

Caribbean Man said:


> I don't have any " high number."
> What I'm more concerned with is what was the thinking / emotional state behind the number whether it is " high" or " low ",
> And how does it impact our present relationship.


Ok,this was perfectly stated. YES! :iagree:


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## JustSomeGuyWho

DavidWYoung said:


> 8 would be a high number in high school, less than 50 would be high at 50.Just my 2 cents David


I was the skinny, smart, quiet, shy kid in high school ... needless to say I was zero for high school. If I had got lucky in high school, the question about number wouldn't have remotely crossed my mind, lol.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## alexm

Oldfaithful said:


> I can barely remember sex with my exhusband.


There's a big part of your answer right there, if you read into it.

If someone has had a dozen partners, but they don't remember the actual acts (fondly or not), then it doesn't matter. If somebody has had 5 partners, but they can describe in detail what they did, how good it was, how big they were, etc. then it can be an issue.

I can only remember a handful of times over my almost 15 years with my ex wife, and not because they were good (or even exactly how we did it). I remember them because they stood out for other reasons (place, for example, or she did something out of context, whatever). If I remembered those times I had sex with my ex wife as though it was last week, there's a problem..

I would not be comfortable or particularly amused if my wife could recall in detail any one time she spent with somebody else, thankyouverymuch. "And then we did this, and I was like..." Yeah, no thanks.

I'm sure I had some great sex with my ex wife over that long a time, but I definitely don't remember it in detail. And I'd give my head a smack (and deserve one from my wife) if I did.


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## larry.gray

Thor said:


> I admit to being an older and traditional kind of man. These reflect how things were for me at those ages. For my son, 18, I think it is quite different. For example, oral was not common when I was a teen, certainly not as a casual activity for hookups. For me, oral would be added to The Number. But in his generation oral is much more accepted as a casual non-number activity. ONS are more common in college now than 35 years ago. Even with the same basic moral template as me, I would expect him to be comfortable with higher numbers than I was.


That's not my experience. The 'sexual revolution' was 50 years ago. I do not think casual sex is any more prevalent now that it was in the 80's and beyond.


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## alexm

Oldfaithful said:


> the first week we were together I told him he was the best. Maybe some women just don't say those things.


You got it. And that is why people with RJ (I consider myself one, though it's not obsessive) feel that way.

It's a total mind**** that we do to ourselves, and our partners don't help. My wife is not the type to tell me "you're the best I've ever had". Therefore, guys like us automatically assume that silence means we're not. "If you can't say anything nice..." etc.

FWIW, during one of our seemingly endless and frequent conversations about our sex life and how our drives are drastically different, I let her know that compliments and such would be greatly appreciated (provided they were true and/or earned). She immediately said that I am the best she's ever had, and told me exactly WHY. I never asked or said anything about being her best ever (I know better!). I asked why she never said that before, and her reply was that it should have been obvious... lol. I gave her a short lesson on the male ego and how to give us confidence in that regard, and that the result will be to her liking, as well as ours. Done and done.

But we need to hear that stuff. Preferably when it's true! Just like most women expect/want/need their partners to tell them they are the most beautiful girl they've ever seen and how lucky they are to be with you and how awesome they are, and how they complete you and they'd be lost without you 

But those of us with RJ, and especially those of us with experienced partners, not only need to hear this stuff, but without having to ask if it's true, etc.


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## JustSomeGuyWho

larry.gray said:


> Thor said:
> 
> 
> 
> I admit to being an older and traditional kind of man. These reflect how things were for me at those ages. For my son, 18, I think it is quite different. For example, oral was not common when I was a teen, certainly not as a casual activity for hookups. For me, oral would be added to The Number. But in his generation oral is much more accepted as a casual non-number activity. ONS are more common in college now than 35 years ago. Even with the same basic moral template as me, I would expect him to be comfortable with higher numbers than I was.
> 
> 
> 
> That's not my experience. The 'sexual revolution' was 50 years ago. I do not think casual sex is any more prevalent now that it was in the 80's and beyond.
Click to expand...

Not my experience either. You have some kids who are very active and others who aren't ... no different than when I was that age. I think it's easy (and incorrect) to make assumptions based on one group and apply it across the board.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## Deejo

One Meelion partners ...


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## Oldfaithful

ScarletBegonias said:


> Ok,this was perfectly stated. YES! :iagree:



Me too.


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## ScarletBegonias

Oldfaithful said:


> Me too.


I was trying to figure out a good way of explaining my view and then VOILA! there it was LOL


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## manticore

well, difficult question, women and men always lie about their numbers, and also depend on the age, when I was 21 a woman that had slept with 5 or more was kind of a red flag (I have always dated younger women) now at 31 if I were single I would say that as long as it don't reach 2 digits I would feel safe dating the woman


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## Oldfaithful

alexm said:


> You got it. And that is why people with RJ (I consider myself one, though it's not obsessive) feel that way.
> 
> 
> 
> It's a total mind**** that we do to ourselves, and our partners don't help. My wife is not the type to tell me "you're the best I've ever had". Therefore, guys like us automatically assume that silence means we're not. "If you can't say anything nice..." etc.
> 
> 
> 
> FWIW, during one of our seemingly endless and frequent conversations about our sex life and how our drives are drastically different, I let her know that compliments and such would be greatly appreciated (provided they were true and/or earned). She immediately said that I am the best she's ever had, and told me exactly WHY. I never asked or said anything about being her best ever (I know better!). I asked why she never said that before, and her reply was that it should have been obvious... lol. I gave her a short lesson on the male ego and how to give us confidence in that regard, and that the result will be to her liking, as well as ours. Done and done.
> 
> 
> 
> But we need to hear that stuff. Preferably when it's true! Just like most women expect/want/need their partners to tell them they are the most beautiful girl they've ever seen and how lucky they are to be with you and how awesome they are, and how they complete you and they'd be lost without you
> 
> 
> 
> But those of us with RJ, and especially those of us with experienced partners, not only need to hear this stuff, but without having to ask if it's true, etc.



For me if someone weren't really good or we weren't on the same page sexually I wouldn't pursue the relationship and definitely wouldn't get married. 
She's with you for a reason.


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## Faithful Wife

larry.gray said:


> That's not my experience. The 'sexual revolution' was 50 years ago. I do not think casual sex is any more prevalent now that it was in the 80's and beyond.


Everyone I knew in high school had lots of casual sexual encounters (not always PIV) (both in high school, and beyong)...but I do still think it is different now, because nowadays, many younger people don't even know what dating is. They honestly have never done it.

For us who were wh*res back in the day, yeah we did that but we DID also date and expect to be able to date, as in traditional(ish) dating and courting. And the guys really did ask us out on proper dates. Most of my casual romps were still the result of a "real" date. (Lots weren't, but most were, in the 80's).

My son who is 25 has had multiple partners, a couple of girlfriends, lots of FWB's...and has never gone on one date.


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## alexm

Oldfaithful said:


> I think if you have been with her for twenty years she probably can't remember much from before you. And really in twenty years what a woman wants from sex and a relationship is going to change. So you really can't even compare it.


I would generally agree with you, but there are always going to be the outliers.

If someone had absolutely mind blowing sex when they were 22, moved on, has been married for 20 years and never had that kind of sex again, they will remember it. Maybe not in great detail, but it will be there. It is now the yardstick at which everyone else is measured. And given that time plays tricks on the mind, the memory will likely make it even better than it was originally.

It doesn't mean that sex with your partner of 20 years isn't, or can't be good, obviously.

But... most of us have probably had some pretty mind blowing sex in our lives, at least once, and they weren't necessarily with our partners of 20 years.

I used to be one. My first wife didn't compare to my first girlfriend ever (who is now my wife. Long story. We dated 3ish years, broke up for 15, found each other again.) The sex with my ex wife didn't hold a candle to my ex girlfriend, and trust me, I remembered... Now that we're back together (and married now), I have almost no recollection of my ex wife in any sexual context, or naked, or whatever. None.

But while I was with my ex wife, I remembered in great detail how my ex gf looked, and what she and I did, and a number of specific TIMES, even. Yes, I felt guilty, but hey, my ex wife didn't even try, really. No concept of sexuality, no desire to learn, etc etc etc. It wasn't my fault my ef gf stood out like that...


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## JustSomeGuyWho

Faithful Wife said:


> Everyone I knew in high school had lots of casual sexual encounters (not always PIV) (both in high school, and beyong)...but I do still think it is different now, because nowadays, many younger people don't even know what dating is. They honestly have never done it.
> 
> For us who were wh*res back in the day, yeah we did that but we DID also date and expect to be able to date, as in traditional(ish) dating and courting. And the guys really did ask us out on proper dates. Most of my casual romps were still the result of a "real" date. (Lots weren't, but most were, in the 80's).
> 
> My son who is 25 has had multiple partners, a couple of girlfriends, lots of FWB's...and has never gone on one date.


What a funny difference in perspectives. Very few of the people I was close to in high school in the 80's (83-85) had sexual partners. For most of our group, that happened after high school. I had none ... kind of like now, lol. Of course, I knew of those that did but I didn't hang with that group. 

I'm trying to remember who if any of our group even went to prom. We called ourselves the 'No Talents' ... probably for good reason. 

That said, after high school when I did start having sexual experiences, I never dated either. I just kind of fell into relationships. I married at 25 and never really "dated" my wife ... we just sort of hooked up and then became an item.


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## Racer

If you were married, anything over 1 during that period is a big problem 

For me, I'd say after the age of 26 (grown up adult age who should be somewhat mature), more than 3 partners over a 5 year period is disconcerting.


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## Faithful Wife

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> What a funny difference in perspectives. Very few of the people I was close to in high school in the 80's (83-85) had sexual partners. For most of our group, that happened after high school. I had none ... kind of like now, lol. Of course, I knew of those that did but I didn't hang with that group.
> 
> I'm trying to remember who if any of our group even went to prom. We called ourselves the 'No Talents' ... probably for good reason.


Eh, boredom and lack of parenting will get kids having sex faster than anything else. 

For myself, I have just always had a huge sex drive and tended to hang with the girls who also did (still true now).

I am sure with more direct parenting, I'd have had less actual sex...but I'm kinda thinking I still would have had all the sexual playing around (mashing, making out, etc) because I honestly started that in about the 5th grade.


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## JustSomeGuyWho

Faithful Wife said:


> Eh, boredom and lack of parenting will get kids having sex faster than anything else.
> 
> For myself, I have just always had a huge sex drive and tended to hang with the girls who also did (still true now).
> 
> I am sure with more direct parenting, I'd have had less actual sex...but I'm kinda thinking I still would have had all the sexual playing around (mashing, making out, etc) because I honestly started that in about the 5th grade.


Yeah, I was pretty sheltered as a kid and very naive about sex and relationships. That isn't to say I didn't have a huge sex drive ... good god, I think I walked around with a nonstop boner ... I just didn't have any place to put it, lol.

My oldest daughter is in 6th grade and is very naive about sex. We've discussed it with her but she isn't there yet. It is also about opportunity ... she isn't in situations where she is alone with boys and we are extremely active in her life.


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## larry.gray

Faithful Wife said:


> Eh, boredom and lack of parenting will get kids having sex faster than anything else.
> 
> For myself, I have just always had a huge sex drive and tended to hang with the girls who also did (still true now).
> 
> I am sure with more direct parenting, I'd have had less actual sex...but I'm kinda thinking I still would have had all the sexual playing around (mashing, making out, etc) because I honestly started that in about the 5th grade.


So much of that started with the latchkey generation. 2:30 to 5:30 was hookup time for those inclined. With the availability of good bike lanes and public transit, you go have a whole lot of fun before mom and dad got home.


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## Faithful Wife

Totally true...but it didn't matter if she was home.

"Mom, I'm going down to FITB friend's house!"

"Ok see ya later!"


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## larry.gray

alexm said:


> There's a big part of your answer right there, if you read into it.
> 
> If someone has had a dozen partners, but they don't remember the actual acts (fondly or not), then it doesn't matter. If somebody has had 5 partners, but they can describe in detail what they did, how good it was, how big they were, etc. then it can be an issue.
> 
> I can only remember a handful of times over my almost 15 years with my ex wife, and not because they were good (or even exactly how we did it). I remember them because they stood out for other reasons (place, for example, or she did something out of context, whatever). If I remembered those times I had sex with my ex wife as though it was last week, there's a problem..
> 
> I would not be comfortable or particularly amused if my wife could recall in detail any one time she spent with somebody else, thankyouverymuch. "And then we did this, and I was like..." Yeah, no thanks.
> 
> I'm sure I had some great sex with my ex wife over that long a time, but I definitely don't remember it in detail. And I'd give my head a smack (and deserve one from my wife) if I did.


That's hard for me to comprehend. If anything happened to my wife and I, there is so much that I would remember. Unless she did something really bad to end 'us' I would no doubt look back on it fondly. 

It is a combination of many things. We were each others firsts in many things. Wiht 24 years together, that's more than half of our lives. We were and still are pretty dang wild. Several dozen outdoor escapades.... there are many places if I were to visit again that would be on my mind. There are so many scenic places around where I live that I would have to forgo ever visiting to avoid triggering one of those memories. Plus I'd have to live with deciding about leaving any future romances in the dark over or leaving her wondering if I was thinking about them.


----------



## Philat

johnAdams said:


> 2


Perfecto.


----------



## SadSamIAm

The number doesn't matter. The reason for the number does.

When I graduated high school the number was 2. During two months in the summer before College the number when to 15 (time following a serious breakup). College the number became 16. Been that number ever since (30 years).

I am guessing for most people, if they have a high number, it happened in a fairly short period of time. Some period of time when they were hurting or just being rebelious.


----------



## Oldfaithful

SadSamIAm said:


> The number doesn't matter. The reason for the number does.
> 
> When I graduated high school the number was 2. During two months in the summer before College the number when to 15 (time following a serious breakup). College the number became 16. Been that number ever since (30 years).
> 
> I am guessing for most people, if they have a high number, it happened in a fairly short period of time. Some period of time when they were hurting or just being rebelious.




I resemble that remark!


----------



## Thor

larry.gray said:


> That's not my experience. The 'sexual revolution' was 50 years ago. I do not think casual sex is any more prevalent now that it was in the 80's and beyond.


I grew up in a particular slice of time and space in between the 60's and 80's. During the mid 70's, my high school years, in the town I grew up in, we were probably more like the 50's or 40's. There were definitely those who were sexually active in high school, but I'd bet at least 2/3rds of my graduating class of 600+ were virgins. In college there were a few girls who'd sleep around on their quest for their MRS degree. 

Mostly, though, people tended to date without sex until several months into the relationship and establishing exclusivity. Anyone who'd dated for a year in high school almost certainly had had sex. Anyone in college who'd dated 3 months probably had had sex.

The _median_ number of claimed sex partners at age 21 for women was probably 3 or less, at least in the crowd I was in.


----------



## Dad&Hubby

There's no deep reason for this, it's just what "felt right".

I always looked at it as 1 per year since becoming sexually active was a good number and would fit me well. So if I was dating a 28 year old who started at 18...10 partners seemed right. What's a "high" number for me....a partner every 3-4 months. I put a high priority on the emotional side of sex. If my partner was changing partners as often as I change my tooth brush....probably not a fit for me. It's not that she would be wrong for doing it, but her views on sex are obviously not compatible with mine.

Now it doesn't mean someone who fit my "model" would also have compatible views...but it would be more likely.

To me, the number 1 issue is two people having similar views on sex. It doesn't matter if that's 1 vs 70+ as was stated earlier, or 1 vs 1. As long as the two people shared in their beliefs and thoughts about sex.

A big problem with this whole "numbers" issue is it's used as a judgement, when it shouldn't be. Partners need to look at each others' beliefs etc and look for someone who they are similar.


----------



## Thor

Faithful Wife said:


> but I do still think it is different now, because nowadays, many younger people don't even know what dating is. They honestly have never done it.


I know it is weird here in Utah, but didn't know it was so wide spread of a problem. Both my daughters, in their 20's, have never dated the way we used to way back when. They've both had serious boyfriends but they always seem to either hang out doing nothing or they do a group activity with a bunch of people. Never just the couple going out on a date.


----------



## Thor

Dad&Hubby said:


> A big problem with this whole "numbers" issue is it's used as a judgement, when it shouldn't be. Partners need to look at each others' beliefs etc and look for someone who they are similar.


:iagree:


----------



## Racer

Dad&Hubby said:


> To me, the number 1 issue is two people having similar views on sex. It doesn't matter if that's 1 vs 70+ as was stated earlier, or 1 vs 1. As long as the two people shared in their beliefs and thoughts about sex..


That’s if you can get the real truth. My wife is one of those that will tell you what she knows is socially acceptable. It’s part of that whole ‘fitting in’ external validation thing. 

Her number was “5 past boyfriends she’d been sexually active with”. Acceptable for a at the time 23 year old. What she did though was ‘technically accurate’. She omitted the ONS’s, the friends she’d slept with casually, the vacation lays, etc.. The real number was probably more like 12??. I started figuring that out after we were married and hanging out with her friends who’d talk about some of their adventures leaving you thinking “wtf?” You simply can’t envision it without her having sex knowing those weren’t any of her past boyfriends or guys she’s mentioned...

edit; Oh and ick... nothing like having a common friend who mentions to you one night that ages ago he'd been with my wife. That's how I found out she can sleep with friends without a boyfriend/girlfriend sense of things. "just felt like it; it wasn't a big deal..". 

Basically, whatever they tell you is a lie or omission or even an exaggeration to whatever they feel the ‘right number’ is supposed to be.


----------



## Oldfaithful

2ntnuf said:


> So, apparently you are worried that your number is too high? As stated, it's subjective. What one will think is high, another will not. I had one partner between 16 and 30. I had 2 between marriages. I have not had any more than my second wife since. So, that's 4.
> 
> 
> 
> Someone stated it's rejection jealousy when it bothers a person that their partner might have had more partners than them? I reject that.  It bothers most men to varying degrees. It bothers women to a varying degree as well. I think it's much less prevalent in women than men.
> 
> 
> 
> It seems that this stuff is only a problem when one person believes they would like to date someone who has really low numbers. Why would you want to date someone with such a huge difference? That's the question that needs answered. If the folks you slept with were good enough to expose your most intimate secrets to, why weren't they good enough to marry or have a long term relationship with? Why look for someone that is so different, when we all know that compatibility in all things is best for a successful long-term relationship? I just don't see the fuss, personally, unless you have some issue with jealousy about someone else getting something you can't. There are plenty of fish in the sea. There are lots of folks with high numbers who have a good career and want children. I don't understand this at all, from the opposite perspective. It doesn't make any sense to force folks to think like everyone else.
> 
> 
> 
> I don't understand who is looking down on who? How is there and injustice or discrimination? What is it that is being done? Did someone tell you you weren't eligible for a job or promotion because you have high numbers? Were you refused service at some business because of your high numbers?
> 
> 
> 
> Seriously, I don't get it. I never asked anyone if they had high numbers before I answered if I would help them move something or paint something or make dinner with them or etc.
> 
> 
> 
> If you have low numbers and you expect to find a woman with low numbers, and you are older, it will be difficult as heck. Who then, is really the minority? Who then, is really the one suffering? We can only blame ourselves for our numbers, high or low.
> 
> 
> 
> I have plenty more thoughts. This is a good start.
> 
> 
> 
> Here is a link to rj. Not sure how good it is. Just thought it was interesting. I don't see a problem with this attitude. Past practice is usually indicative of future practice. It's tough to change who we are. It would be great to know things before hand, but unfortunately, we will not know. So, you must be ready to accept another divorce through infidelity if the partner you are with, has been unfaithful in the past. I don't see how that is a bad thing, unless you were the one who was unfaithful. If we consider infidelity a bad thing for a marriage, how do we reconcile calling someone who does not want to marry a known unfaithful spouse retroactively jealous? I don't get that it's jealousy. Seems sensible.
> 
> 
> 
> Here is an excerpt from the article and the link:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Can Jealousy Be Retroactive? | Psychology Today




Were you asking if I think my number is too high? No or I wouldn't have done that. 

I personally don't care if other people think it's too high, all that matters is what I think and what my husband thinks. My experience with him has been so 180 different from what I'm reading on here that I was really just curious about why people think what they think. 

I think that some people at times decide they will never ever be in a relationship again and they don't want another intimate relationship, but they still have needs. Not everyone believes in love 100% of the time. 
Some people I picked because they just weren't someone I would be emotionally involved with. 
I had no idea I would ever fall in love again or get married.


----------



## SpinDaddy

A high number would be any number that is higher than mine 

I think much of this is generational. I was talking with a follow who’d done a tour with the Peace Corps back in the 1970’s in the same country I did a tour in during the late 1980’s. 

In his generation (Baby Boomer), it sounded like a veritable orgy of sexual delights. In my generation (Gen X), we sere so freaked-out by AIDS we might as well have been Mennonite or Mormon missionaries.


----------



## Oldfaithful

2ntnuf said:


> I don't understand the point of this thread? I guess you are trying to help others find more partners? The only other thing I can gleen from that is when you find someone who is right for you, you are afraid your numbers will be too high for them to marry you? If the person slept with you, they obviously don't care about the numbers. I can only imagine sleeping with some woman because she is just so hot, I can't stand not sleeping with her. Seems like an obsession, so I generally do not go there. There is always an emotional connection, due to brain chemicals and there is an imprint in our memories of that person. Maybe we forget details, but the nice thoughts, if sex was good, will be there. When we see them, we may want to hug them for old time's sake. That's an emotional connection. So, I don't understand that either? I'm really scratching my head on this. I don't usually have sex just for sex. I want it, but I wont sleep with any woman who is interested in me. I have to be interested in her, and take into account that I could find her suitable for a mate. Why would I risk that with just anyone? I'm not sure I will ever understand.
> 
> 
> 
> Anyway, I don't expect an answer. Just wanted to give my 2 cents. I'm not judging you or anyone else here. I'm just trying to wrap my head around this concept that keeps coming up. It doesn't bother me that I don't have multiple partners.



Not at all. I'm happily married now. Like I said, I'm just trying to figure out what is going on in people's heads because I don't get it. 

Why would I want other people on a marriage site to find more partners? Ha.


----------



## Caribbean Man

Ok.

My wife & I actually have the same number.

It's 486-7543.

If you're calling from out of the region , put 1 - 873 before the number.

Our office hours are 8 - 4 , Monday to Friday.


----------



## skype

Be careful, CM, you live in a beautiful vacation spot. You just might be inundated with TAM refugees from this miserable winter.


----------



## Thor

Racer said:


> That’s if you can get the real truth. My wife is one of those that will tell you what she knows is socially acceptable. It’s part of that whole ‘fitting in’ external validation thing.
> 
> Her number was “5 past boyfriends she’d been sexually active with”. Acceptable for a at the time 23 year old. What she did though was ‘technically accurate’. She omitted the ONS’s, the friends she’d slept with casually, the vacation lays, etc.. The real number was probably more like 12??. I started figuring that out after we were married and hanging out with her friends who’d talk about some of their adventures leaving you thinking “wtf?” You simply can’t envision it without her having sex knowing those weren’t any of her past boyfriends or guys she’s mentioned...
> 
> edit; Oh and ick... nothing like having a common friend who mentions to you one night that ages ago he'd been with my wife. That's how I found out she can sleep with friends without a boyfriend/girlfriend sense of things. "just felt like it; it wasn't a big deal..".
> 
> Basically, whatever they tell you is a lie or omission or even an exaggeration to whatever they feel the ‘right number’ is supposed to be.


This seems to apply to my wife as well, though I don't have any specifics. Only a few indicators. It doesn't matter at this point in time other than the issues of honesty and compatibility of values.


----------



## Racer

Thor said:


> This seems to apply to my wife as well, though I don't have any specifics. Only a few indicators. It doesn't matter at this point in time other than the issues of honesty and compatibility of values.


But it did matter didn't it? That she'd lie about it and make it appear she won't have sex outside of an exclusive sort of relationship?

If I had known ... things might have been different. I would not have assumed. I have to have a exclusive relationship to avoid feeling guilty about a ONS or purely sexual thing with another person. Quite frankly, I'd feel like I was selfishly using them just for sex (a bad thing). I thought my wife was like that too based on what she had shared. I did not realize she compartmentalized that 'just sex' carries the same casual value as sharing a drink together (just a slight exaggeration, but you get the drift) ... only 'making love' is exclusive. 

Two different numbers and two ways to look at sex to make it 'the truth' when she tells you that number. She gave you the 'making love' number, not the number of times she's had sex with different people. It was irrelevant in her head like asking how many guys she's allowed to buy her a drink... It didn't matter and she didn't keep track because it wasn't special. Just something to do at the time... :slap: But she won't tell you that because you might think she's a **** and she isn't thinking of you in that role. She wants you to be one of those 'special' ones she remembers and values. So she projects onto you basically how she wants you to be in her life.


----------



## alexm

Racer said:


> But it did matter didn't it? That she'd lie about it and make it appear she won't have sex outside of an exclusive sort of relationship?
> 
> If I had known ... things might have been different. I would not have assumed. I have to have a exclusive relationship to avoid feeling guilty about a ONS or purely sexual thing with another person. Quite frankly, I'd feel like I was selfishly using them just for sex (a bad thing). I thought my wife was like that too based on what she had shared. I did not realize she compartmentalized that 'just sex' carries the same casual value as sharing a drink together (just a slight exaggeration, but you get the drift) ... only 'making love' is exclusive.
> 
> Two different numbers and two ways to look at sex to make it 'the truth' when she tells you that number. She gave you the 'making love' number, not the number of times she's had sex with different people. It was irrelevant in her head like asking how many guys she's allowed to buy her a drink... It didn't matter and she didn't keep track because it wasn't special. Just something to do at the time... :slap: But she won't tell you that because you might think she's a **** and she isn't thinking of you in that role. She wants you to be one of those 'special' ones she remembers and values. So she projects onto you basically how she wants you to be in her life.


The more I read this thread, the more I realize nobody should ever bother to ask their partner what their # is. You won't get a real answer 99.9% of the time. Whether it's low, or it's high, the person answering the question will undoubtedly provide an answer that he or she thinks is the "right" answer for the person asking. It may be off by 2 or 3, it may be off by 10, who knows.

Or worse, you won't get an answer at all! 

Seriously, that's worst case scenario right there.. The "none of your business" response.

While technically true, the answer matters to the one asking it, and the non-answer speaks volumes.

It's a slippery slope, that question, and many of us have fallen prey to it.

Ironically, it's usually the ones with higher numbers who refuse to answer at all, or greatly diminish the number when answering. These people are also the first to say "the number doesn't matter!!!" It's true, though, it really DOESN'T matter. But it matters at that point, early in a relationship (to some of us) for the reasons some of you mentioned above. It IS important to be on the same page in that regard and not have two differing or opposing views on something such as sex. While the number will not 100% accurately define this, it is definitely a solid indicator as to whether ones sexual brain operates on the same frequency as their potential partner.

I never slept around, and not without chances, either. I can't say I made a conscious decision to not do that, it just never appealed to me. The casual encounters I did have were empty and left me with nothing, as opposed to the more emotional encounters I've had. My brain wasn't, and isn't, wired that way. My wife's is/was. She detaches emotionally from sex, which is why we don't have it that often. But when we do, it's freakin' magical rainbows and fireworks porn sex. She doesn't need or desire the emotional aspect of it, only the physical. And her physical needs are only a few times a month. Whereas it's the opposite for me, I need the emotional part as well as the physical, therefore my needs are higher - I derive more from it over all. She was much more active than I was in a previous life, and I believe this has everything to do with how she is now. Sex, to her, and from the beginning, was about physical pleasure only. As someone mentioned above, some people are able to detach and move on to the next one easily. She was capable of this, I was not. And consequently, we don't see sex the same way as the other does.


----------



## Oldfaithful

I should have just done a poll.


----------



## Oldfaithful

2ntnuf said:


> I don't understand the point of this thread? I guess you are trying to help others find more partners? The only other thing I can gleen from that is when you find someone who is right for you, you are afraid your numbers will be too high for them to marry you? If the person slept with you, they obviously don't care about the numbers. I can only imagine sleeping with some woman because she is just so hot, I can't stand not sleeping with her. Seems like an obsession, so I generally do not go there. There is always an emotional connection, due to brain chemicals and there is an imprint in our memories of that person. Maybe we forget details, but the nice thoughts, if sex was good, will be there. When we see them, we may want to hug them for old time's sake. That's an emotional connection. So, I don't understand that either? I'm really scratching my head on this. I don't usually have sex just for sex. I want it, but I wont sleep with any woman who is interested in me. I have to be interested in her, and take into account that I could find her suitable for a mate. Why would I risk that with just anyone? I'm not sure I will ever understand.
> 
> 
> 
> Anyway, I don't expect an answer. Just wanted to give my 2 cents. I'm not judging you or anyone else here. I'm just trying to wrap my head around this concept that keeps coming up. It doesn't bother me that I don't have multiple partners.



No offense to you but if you have never had casual sex how can you claim to know that there are always emotions involved?


----------



## Oldfaithful

2ntnuf said:


> I'd be happy to provide more evidence if this isn't enough. Sex is what causes bonding. These are just two articles from trusted sites.
> 
> Oxytocin: The Love and Trust Hormone Can Be Deceptive | Psychology Today
> 
> Friends with Benefits: Can Women Handle It? | Psych Central
> 
> Here's another: http://www.youramazingbrain.org/lovesex/sciencelove.htm



Sure it can happen that people develop feelings for FWB but people don't always have emotions other maybe gratitude to someone they are casual with. 
If you have never had sex without emotions you have never been in a bad marriage.


----------



## Don-Juan

Caribbean Man said:


> A " high number" is a relative or subjective term.
> It is any number that you aren't personally comfortable with.


I agree with this answer!


----------



## Oldfaithful

You can disagree but your opinion is not based on experience, so I don't know how you can claim to know it. 
I know lots of people, some on this board who have emotionless sex with their spouses all the time.


----------



## Thor

Racer said:


> But it did matter didn't it? That she'd lie about it and make it appear she won't have sex outside of an exclusive sort of relationship?


And she lied about the guys she did tell me about. At least 2 of them were quite a bit older. She also lied about how quickly they went to sex. She left a lot out, too. She was trying to appear to match my values so that I wouldn't reject her.

Yes it did matter that she lied and deceived. It doesn't matter now from the narrow aspect that I can't reject her retroactively. While I would have back then had I known the truth, those extra facts aren't by themselves enough to D over today.

But the lies and continued deception are a current problem. As is the disconnect in values.


----------



## Oldfaithful

2ntnuf said:


> If they had no emotion, they wouldn't be here talking about it. They wouldn't care.
> 
> 
> 
> My opinion is based on the fact that I had sex. It is based on the fact that even in a relationship lasting only six weeks, after the first night of sex, I had feelings that were not there, before sex. My opinion is based on science, also. It's awful hard to refute scientific results.



I thought you said you didn't have multiple partners? 

So here was my process: 
-reading multiple posts referring to a woman having a high number of people she's slept with
- wondering what they mean, are they talking five, twenty, a hundred? 
-hey I'll start a thread about it to see what the general opinion is or range of opinions 
-wish I would have just started a poll


----------



## alexm

Thor said:


> It doesn't matter now from the narrow aspect that I can't reject her retroactively. While I would have back then had I known the truth, those extra facts aren't by themselves enough to D over today.
> 
> ----------
> 
> As is the disconnect in values.


It's ironic, isn't it? I was/am in the same boat as you, more or less. I "discovered" over time that the number was a lot higher than I was led to believe, or that was let on to.

Had I known then what I know now, I don't think I would have continued the relationship. And not because I would have been disgusted or anything like that. Simply because it wouldn't have been a good match.

Honestly, I am happy it ended up this way, regardless of whether it was through hiding the truth (no outright lies, like your wife, just not being forthcoming in my case). We have our issues, and they all are based around sex, unfortunately, but everything else is as perfect as it can get. You win some, you lose some.

I still don't suggest anyone lie to their new partner, though.. even though it apparently CAN work to your advantage. It's still not cool. Thor's relationship, although having lasted as long as it has, still started out with lies and deception, and that will never be forgotten.

Best to just tell the truth, no matter what it is, and see where the chips land. If the person you're into isn't cool with your number, that's their problem, and you're doing yourself a favor later on down the road.


----------



## Dad&Hubby

Racer said:


> That’s if you can get the real truth. My wife is one of those that will tell you what she knows is socially acceptable. It’s part of that whole ‘fitting in’ external validation thing.
> 
> Her number was “5 past boyfriends she’d been sexually active with”. Acceptable for a at the time 23 year old. What she did though was ‘technically accurate’. She omitted the ONS’s, the friends she’d slept with casually, the vacation lays, etc.. The real number was probably more like 12??. I started figuring that out after we were married and hanging out with her friends who’d talk about some of their adventures leaving you thinking “wtf?” You simply can’t envision it without her having sex knowing those weren’t any of her past boyfriends or guys she’s mentioned...
> 
> edit; Oh and ick... nothing like having a common friend who mentions to you one night that ages ago he'd been with my wife. That's how I found out she can sleep with friends without a boyfriend/girlfriend sense of things. "just felt like it; it wasn't a big deal..".
> 
> Basically, whatever they tell you is a lie or omission or even an exaggeration to whatever they feel the ‘right number’ is supposed to be.


Wow Racer, that SUCKS!!!

I couldn't even imagine how livid I would be and would be a notch towards insecurity. Security starts with having a firm understanding of the truth, how can you be secure with something if everything you know is a lie.

That's why honesty is such a HUGE issue for me. My exW was pathological, the problem is that you never find out until you're already invested. It's one of the most unfair situations.

They should change "Caveat emptor" to "Caveat data"


----------



## Dad&Hubby

Caribbean Man said:


> Ok.
> 
> My wife & I actually have the same number.
> 
> It's 486-7543.
> 
> If you're calling from out of the region , put 1 - 873 before the number.
> 
> Our office hours are 8 - 4 , Monday to Friday.


I really thought you were going with

867-5309 for a second, with your wife...Jenny.


----------



## Dad&Hubby

Oldfaithful said:


> You can disagree but your opinion is not based on experience, so I don't know how you can claim to know it.
> I know lots of people, some on this board who have emotionless sex with their spouses all the time.


I would disagree when you say emotionless. There is ALWAYS positive or negative emotions happening.

If one spouse is looking for sex and the other spouse performs what you call "emotionless sex". That spouse has still felt things.

Could be anxiety because they don't really want to and they know their spouse is going to come looking for it.

Disdain because they don't really enjoy it.

When you say "emotionless sex" you're describing someone being asked for sex, giving it and never once feeling ANYTHING before, during or after the encounter...sorry...that doesn't exist.

After you had a good "emotionless sexual encounter" what did you think of the guy....you had positive thoughts right....those are emotions. It may not be LOVE, they may not be deep, but you still have SOME emotions.


----------



## Racer

Dad&Hubby said:


> Wow Racer, that SUCKS!!!


Yes and no. The number or the ability to separate sex versus making love don't bother me. What bothers me is that from the start, she couldn't just be who she is and let me judge that. I would have picked her anyway because the number isn't that important for me.

Instead, she chose over and over to present only whom she thought I would like and accept more.


----------



## alexm

Racer said:


> Yes and no. The number or the ability to separate sex versus making love don't bother me. *What bothers me is that from the start, she couldn't just be who she is and let me judge that. * I would have picked her anyway because the number isn't that important for me.
> 
> Instead, she chose over and over to present only whom she thought I would like and accept more.


Yep, that's more or less what I went through. Sucks.

If you ask me, it gives more credence to the "people who have had more partners tend to have less self esteem" argument.

If you've had what even YOU think is a lot of partners, and you feel you have to lie about it in order to reel in a bf/gf, you probably don't feel too confident about yourself.

I've also caught my wife in a number of (small) lies about this subject. When there was enough of them, I confronted her and told her to knock it off, I don't care and there was never any reason to lie to me. I also told her that it insults ME, because she thought she had to lie about those things in order to keep me. Talk about not having faith in your partner...


----------



## Married but Happy

The numbers weren't that important to us. We did talk about past lovers and experiences in general terms and both knew about how many people we'd been with previously, and it was moderate for us both. Now, our numbers are probably what many would consider high.


----------



## Caribbean Man

Dad&Hubby said:


> I really thought you were going with
> 
> 867-5309 for a second, with your wife...Jenny.




But isn't that line in the song supposed to be 857-6309!:rofl:

Was one of my favorites anyway!


----------



## Applejuice

Why has this thread got 99 posts?


----------



## Tall Average Guy

Applejuice said:


> Why has this thread got 99 posts?


Trying to reach a high number?


----------



## michzz

rule of thumb:

A high number is double mine.

A low number is half mine.


----------



## Oldfaithful

michzz said:


> rule of thumb:
> 
> 
> 
> A high number is double mine.
> 
> 
> 
> A low number is half mine.



So if your number is one hers should be .5? Like she had sex with a man with no legs?


----------



## over20

Thor said:


> It depends on her age and life experiences. It also depends on why I would be interested in her. Am I dating her casually or am I screening for a potential future wife?
> 
> Under 25 and never married: 8
> 35 and never married: 15
> Over 35 and never married: Doesn't matter, she's not marriage material for me whether it is 1 or 100.
> 
> If she's divorced, more than 1 per year average since the divorce.
> 
> I admit to being an older and traditional kind of man. These reflect how things were for me at those ages. For my son, 18, I think it is quite different. For example, oral was not common when I was a teen, certainly not as a casual activity for hookups. For me, oral would be added to The Number. But in his generation oral is much more accepted as a casual non-number activity. ONS are more common in college now than 35 years ago. Even with the same basic moral template as me, I would expect him to be comfortable with higher numbers than I was.


A really good way to look at it Thor ! We have older kids too 20,18,16,12. Sadly even though DH and I grew up very traditional he was my first and I was his second, I think our kid's are surrounded with way too much casual sex among their friends and peers that they might be happy if their future spouse # was under 10..

Sorry to post men....I usually just read the Men's Clubhouse threads, but thought this was a great topic.....forgive


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## JCD

Oldfaithful said:


> So if your number is one hers should be .5? Like she had sex with a man with no legs?


Don't be silly. Three inches.


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## chillymorn

420


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## Married but Happy

chillymorn said:


> 420


Mary Jane, is that you?


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## couple

Somewhere between 3.5 and 4 linear feet of aggregated penis length across all of a woman's partners (e.g. 7-8 partners with average 6 inches each) would make most men a bit uncomfortable. The thought of 5+ linear feet of penis (10+ 6 inch partners) would probably make most men squirm with extreme discomfort.

Even a relatively low number like 3-4 partners still means quite a lot of penis when you consider the total length.

I guess it's all a matter of how you think about it!


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## Married but Happy

couple said:


> I guess it's all a matter of how you think about it!


I'm guessing you're a member of the pipe layers union.


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## chillymorn

Married but Happy said:


> Mary Jane, is that you?


lol i was wondering if anybody would catch it.


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## Philat

johnAdams said:


> 2


I still think this is the post of the year. Says so much with just a single character.


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## ntamph

Oldfaithful said:


> There's nothing I've done with people in the past I wouldn't do with him and a lot of things I never did with anyone casual.


Then you are in a minority based on my experience in TAM.


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## ntamph

Oldfaithful said:


> Before you read other responses, what is a high number in terms of people a woman has slept with?


As long as it doesn't keep rising while we're together then I don't care. And that you try as hard to please me as I will try to please you.


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## WyshIknew

ntamph said:


> As long as it doesn't keep rising while we're together then I don't care. And that you try as hard to please me as I will try to please you.


Exactly!

A really great response ntamph.


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## Oldfaithful

ntamph said:


> Then you are in a minority based on my experience in TAM.



I don't understand why people do that to their spouses.


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## Married but Happy

ntamph said:


> As long as it doesn't keep rising while we're together then I don't care. And that you try as hard to please me as I will try to please you.


Different strokes ...

As swingers and having an open relationship, our modest number has probably tripled or quadrupled since we were married.


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## CuddleBug

All depends on the person really. Everyone is so very different.

But for me, if my wifee had slept with 5+ guys, too much for me. I know if I slept with 5+ women, my wifee to be would of been hesitant to marry me.


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## WyshIknew

Married but Happy said:


> Different strokes ...
> 
> As swingers and having an open relationship, our modest number has probably tripled or quadrupled since we were married.


Not sure how these things work, but is it that you are happy if your numbers increase at the same rate?

Is there a possibility of dissatisfaction if one partner or the other gets streets ahead of the other?

You know the old saying, don't know that it is necessary true for everyone, that a woman can get laid like that *snaps fingers* but a man has to work at it.


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## michzz

Oldfaithful said:


> So if your number is one hers should be .5? Like she had sex with a man with no legs?


You stumped me with that one.


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## Married but Happy

WyshIknew said:


> Not sure how these things work, but is it that you are _happy if your numbers increase at the same rate_?
> 
> Is there a possibility of dissatisfaction if one partner or the other gets streets ahead of the other?
> 
> You know the old saying, don't know that it is necessary true for everyone, that a woman can get laid like that *snaps fingers* but a man has to work at it.


That's pretty much it, and we're doing this together. In the cases where we (very rarely) play alone, we are very careful of each other's feelings and will reschedule or cancel if necessary, and we have veto rights if anything really bothers us. So far we've only needed to talk a few things through.

It could become a problem if we get too out of synch, but that hasn't happened and is very unlikely given our process and preferences. She could easily attract 100x as many new partners than me if she really wanted to (which she doesn't), but we've agreed to not let that happen. We play almost exclusively with other couples, so this really isn't going to be an issue.


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## Runs like Dog

Two or more different partners in the same day?


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## arbitrator

*Even with college and all, 7 would be somewhat high for a college-educated woman, IMHO! And slightly higher for a college-educated guy!

With the marked exception of my skanky XW however, which should be exponentially more!*


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## netcruiser72

I agree that it all depends on the circumstances of the woman, her age, relationship status, etc. etc. My wife was a virgin when we met. I took her virginity when she was 21. Before her I had a girlfriend who had been with 14 guys. I was disappointed when I found out to be honest. No wonder she was amazing in bed! So it depends.


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## treyvion

netcruiser72 said:


> I agree that it all depends on the circumstances of the woman, her age, relationship status, etc. etc. My wife was a virgin when we met. I took her virginity when she was 21. Before her I had a girlfriend who had been with 14 guys. I was disappointed when I found out to be honest. No wonder she was amazing in bed! So it depends.


Imagine if it was 740 guys...


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## Oldfaithful

netcruiser72 said:


> I agree that it all depends on the circumstances of the woman, her age, relationship status, etc. etc. My wife was a virgin when we met. I took her virginity when she was 21. Before her I had a girlfriend who had been with 14 guys. I was disappointed when I found out to be honest. No wonder she was amazing in bed! So it depends.



I don't think numbers have much to do with ability.


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## treyvion

Oldfaithful said:


> I don't think numbers have much to do with ability.


High numbers would have less warm up time to a new sexual partner. They would be more comfortable with the totally casual sex scene.


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## Oldfaithful

treyvion said:


> High numbers would have less warm up time to a new sexual partner. They would be more comfortable with the totally casual sex scene.



What does that have to do with being good in bed?


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## treyvion

Oldfaithful said:


> What does that have to do with being good in bed?


Nothing at all
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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