# Wife just told me shes having an affair



## hurthusb (Jul 25, 2011)

I can't believe how much this hurts.

My wife of 22 years told me yesterday that she is having an affair with someone who is also married. We have 8 children and are not in a position where we could split, it would be financially ruinous. While I love her, she has told me in the past that if she could leave she would.

I caused all this. I'm 100+ pounds overweight and have weight-caused sleep apnea. My sleeping problems were making it impossible for her to sleep so we haven't slept in the same bed in years. I'm ADD and I constantly forget to do things - she's incredibly organzed and she's sick of being my "mother". And finally, last year, I began having erectile dysfunction - Viagra works, but she really doesn't enjoy sex with me.

She says she loves this man, and that he gives her the love and emotional bond she needs. She went on a trip to California with a "friend" last month, and I found out that she went with this man. She even had me buy the tickets for her!

I feel like a complete and utter idiot. I'm a very trusting person who always thinks the best of people - one of the traits about me that drivers her nuts, because I trust people I shouldn't. 

Because of our kids (who are wonderful and we both love very much) and the financial situation we need to stay together. We live in a house that will never sell in our area, and we need both our incomes to maintain it. We can't afford 2 households. I don't know what would happen if this other man were single, my guess is she would go and live with him, but he also has a family. I guess his wife and kids know what is going on.

Our kids don't know and I don't want them to know. I have no friends outside of the marriage who I can trust, because if anyone starts talking about this it WILL get back to my kids. 

My wife and I talked more yesterday than we have in years. She says she cares about me, that she doesn't like the fact that I'm hurting, but that she's not willing to give this relationship up. She offered to move out if that's what I need. I told her I don't want to give up on our marriage, and she said she doesn't want to give me any false hope.

I just don't know if I can handle being the house if she's going to leave and see this man. I've got nowhere to go and I am very involved in my kids lives and I need to be with them.

Does anyone have any advice? I just need to be able to talk to someone! I couldn't sleep last night. I have these thoughts in my head - stupid thoughts about finding this guy and confronting him, or asking her for details. She'd probably be willing to have sex with me occasionally, because she knows I have no way to find a relationship outside of the marriage, but then I'll feel like it's a competition. My youngest sine is 2 years old, so there are a lot of years ahead of me in this family. Do I find a way to live a celibate life, allowing my wife to find her emotional fullfillment outside the marriage, and maintain the household? Do I fight to win her back? 

I discovered that I can forgive the infidelity. If she was telling me she had an affair but it was over, this wouldn't be an issue. It's the thought that this is ongoing that is killing me.

Help.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

The first thing you MUST understand is that you ARE NOT responsible for your wife's affair. Is your marriage perfect? Have you been the perfect husband? The answer to those questions are probably no because all of us make mistakes. But you did not make the choice for your wife to give her affections, time, etc. to someone else. She made that choice. It's 100% on her.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

The affair is NOT your fault; she is the one forgoing her vows to you. She has compromised her morals and is disrespecting you.

There isn’t anything you can do or say to her right now that will make her stop the affair. She is going to continue to hurt you so she can enjoy herself. Don’t waste your time trying to talk her out of it or make her feel guilty, it won’t work.

It’s time to focus on yourself. Use this motivate you to get back in shape and developing an independent life without her. When she starts to notice you are doing well and improving yourself for yourself (not to get her back) she will start to have second thoughts. This will take time but I don’t see you have much choice. You have to do something different and radical in order to get her to change and that means changing yourself. 

Get a gym membership and make that your home away from home.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

hurthusb,

I agree, the affair is not your fault. She is to blame 100% for that. The state of your marrige is however 50% your fault.

It sounds like you love her, and financially the two of you need to stay togeather. 8 kids.... you are in a very complicated situation and you are going to do some hurting my friend. 

Here is my advice if you want to keep it all togeather....

Keep talking to your wife. This is super important. Be open and honest. Encourage her to also be open and honest. DO NOT allow her or yourself to build up walls of secrecy or resentment. The two of you got married because you were once in love and you got along. You can still do this, and proably in a way you never thought possible. I'm 7 months out from my wife's A and I have been there my friend.

100+ LBS.... Dude, you may not know this, but this affair is a kick start for a huge diet. You are going to start losing weight simply because your world has been turned upside down. Take advantage of this!!! Do this for yourself. Drop as much as you can. Cardoi, weights, whatever you like. This is going to make you feel much better in a lot of ways. And, your wife may just come to enjoy your new body.

Trust me on this, I lost 85lbs in about 10 months. I'm working out like a mad man. I was a fat dude at the first part of 2010, and now I'm getting pretty darn ripped. I've never looked like this of felt like this before. And it is a highly addictive thing. If you want to PM me about diet and excercise stuff, you are more than welcome to.

I don't know this for sure, but the ED may also become less of an issue with weight loss. It can't hurt right? Plus your pulse and BP will drop (I got off BP meds simply from losing weight). At the very least, the size increase you will experience "down there" will probably give you a confidence boost that will wipe out the ED. Thats right.....about 1 inch for every 30lbs....so your looking at about 3+ inch increase. Sign me up for some of that....lol


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## hurthusb (Jul 25, 2011)

Actually, that's what hurts so much. In January I started to make some real changes in my life. I've lost 55 lbs, been exercising regularly, I've got an appointment tomorrow morning about my ADD. We started to see a marriage conselor a few weeks ago, although she kept telling me it was to find a way to manage our house together, that she really didn't love me romantically any more. But I really thought I was on my way.

I'm not sure, but I think the affair started AFTER I started to get better. 

I feel completely lost and devestated.


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## Cypress (May 26, 2011)

You need to find more information about this guy.

Privately start snooping. Put a VAR in her car. She may be making phone calls to him from the car. She may say his first name. Put mobistealth or a similar type of software on her phone You may be able to get a phone number for him, by looking at the phone bill. Put the number in Intelluis and you may get an address. There are plenty of sites to get a persons name or phone number with an address.

With all the information gathered, contact his wife.

Has she considered what life would be like as a single mom with 8 kids?


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

hurthusb, the conditions that lead to the affair probably started years ago. This is not your fault. You owe it to yourself to be all that you can be. You can be the best man, and the best father.

If you do all that you can, you can at least know that in your heart when it hurts.


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## hurthusb (Jul 25, 2011)

Why would I want to find out about this guy? I know he's married, older, has kids, his wife and kids know about the affair, he's in a similar situation as my wife. She claims he's not a serial adulterer, that this is the first time. She's a pretty suspicious person and a quick judge of character, so she's probably right.

I could very easily call him. I own the cell phone she's using to talk to him, I could get his number and call him. 

But what's the point? She'd not seeing him because he forced her to do it. 

From what she's said, I know he's local. He may be someone I have met, and most probably is someone that knows people I know. But all that pursuing him would do is blow things up. I don't want my kids to know - my oldest son is about to leave for college. My parents got divorced my senior year, and it F**ked me up royally, and my problems at that time have haunted me the rest of my life. My second son is going into his Senior year, we're starting to look at colleges, and he's emotionally very fragile. My 3rd son is having issues, and my 11-year-old is a very anxious young man who needs strong support to get past his ADD. 

So yes, I could blow this whole thing up. But why? I live for my kids - while in the initial shock I had a momentary thought that everyone would be better off without me, it's my kids that brought me back. My boys and I have great relationships - even to the point that my wife feels that with the older boys they are closer to me than to her.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

hurthusb said:


> She's a pretty suspicious person and a quick judge of character, so she's probably right.


Consider this sentence. I would say that your perception of your wife's judgment needs clarification.

She, a mother of 8, your wife, chose to cheat with another man who is also a spouse and father. She may be quick at judging, but she does not know GOOD character right now.

Fow whatever reason, she believes it worth it to ruin her good name, her family, your marriage, and potentially all of your economics.

She even indulges in humiliating you by having you buy travel for her.

I think you also need to reassess your thinking that you can't toss her out. You can and she can be paying child support to you--for eight kids.

You really need to contact a lawyer. Protect your kids and yourself.

BTW, eventually your children are going to know about this. This secret will not stay one. At some point you will have to address it. The biggest way you can address it is by your right living. The contrast between your being their protector and living well and what your wife is doing will be apparent and obvious. It is on her to protect her own character -- or not.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

hurthusb said:


> Why would I want to find out about this guy? I know he's married, older, has kids, his wife and kids know about the affair, he's in a similar situation as my wife. She claims he's not a serial adulterer, that this is the first time. She's a pretty suspicious person and a quick judge of character, so she's probably right.


I assume this is what your WW told you. You need to accept the fact that your WW is a cheater, and cheaters lie. There are so many stories that cheaters say and this is one of them: That the OMW knows about the affair and doesnt care, or the OMW has a boyfriend of her own and is divorcing him, so she doesnt care.



hurthusb said:


> But what's the point? She'd not seeing him because he forced her to do it.


The whole purpose is to find his wife and EXPOSE the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy.



hurthusb said:


> But all that pursuing him would do is blow things up. I don't want my kids to know - my oldest son is about to leave for college. My parents got divorced my senior year, and it F**ked me up royally, and my problems at that time have haunted me the rest of my life. My second son is going into his Senior year, we're starting to look at colleges, and he's emotionally very fragile. My 3rd son is having issues, and my 11-year-old is a very anxious young man who needs strong support to get past his ADD.
> 
> So yes, I could blow this whole thing up. But why? I live for my kids - while in the initial shock I had a momentary thought that everyone would be better off without me, it's my kids that brought me back. My boys and I have great relationships - even to the point that my wife feels that with the older boys they are closer to me than to her.


Look, you came here for help. If you aren't willing to expose the affair to stop it for fear of hurting your grown children, then you can basically forget about stopping the affair. You need to accept that you are in an open marriage as far as your WW is concerned. You need to accept that you are being cuckolded, that your WW is spreading her legs for another man and is enjoying it. Accept your reality.


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## hurthusb (Jul 25, 2011)

michzz said:


> Consider this sentence. I would say that your perception of your wife's judgment needs clarification.
> 
> She, a mother of 8, your wife, chose to cheat with another man who is also a spouse and father. She may be quick at judging, but she does not know GOOD character right now.
> 
> ...


She only works part time, I make three times as much money as her, but without her income we wouldn't be able to maintain this family and this home. Splitting up means declaring bankruptcy and losing the home I've worked so hard to build for my children.

I'm angry about the travel - she's a technophobe and couldn't figure out how to book her flight. But I don't believe she did it on purpose to humiliate my - although I do admit that when I was looking over my bills yesterday and saw those charges I broke down and cried.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

All this information came from your loving deceitful wife, get your head out of the ground and call his wife . Affair people have a habit of disproportionally making problems in the marriage sound worse. Phone his wife and confirm what is happening and make your wife accountable , if she continues the affair she leaves , the affair then becomes public knowledge , if she cares an one iota for your children she will stop if not you take static steps an shift her out. 

Don't hide behind your children what do you think is going to happen WHEN not IF they find out mom has a f&@k buddy and you are covering for her, you never signed up for an open marriage don't accept one now and stop blaming yourself for the affair.

Her strength is she knows you do not want to rock the boat so she is going to happily carry on. Take the OM down then see how much she loves him when he refuses to leave his marriage , OM's with many years of marriage, stable finances and grown children rarely leave their wives when the sh?t hits the fan . The finacial consequences are to great to them and the threat of their children never talking to them again is very real.

Take the power away and start running the show.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cypress (May 26, 2011)

You must take control of the situation. You can only do this by gathering information. Read other threads here, you will see that in most cases the BS, gained control of the situation. They did not always save the marriage, but they know how to respond to the situation. 

You have to understand that *all waywards lie*. You can only find the truth by gathering the information yourself


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## hurthusb (Jul 25, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Look, you came here for help. If you aren't willing to expose the affair to stop it for fear of hurting your grown children, then you can basically forget about stopping the affair. You need to accept that you are in an open marriage as far as your WW is concerned. You need to accept that you are being cuckolded, that your WW is spreading her legs for another man and is enjoying it. Accept your reality.


My children aren't grown. 18,16,15,12,11,8,4 and 2. 

The affair has already been exposed on the other side. Apparently, his wife is telling her friends. My wife has already said that if I can't deal with it, or if it looks like it's going to get public and I will be humiliated, we'll sit the kids down and tell them. But I don't want to do that. I remember how I felt when I found out my father was having an affair. 

I guess I'm hoping that the newness will go away and she'll realize the guilt isn't worth it any more. But I'm probably stupid.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

A good starting point is to assume you are divorcing and will loose the house , do not make life comfortable for her, there is nothing like a huge dose of reality to shake a wayward up . You may end up divorced , you may still recover your marriage what you cannot do is live like this finding excuses that enable her poor and despicable behaviour .

Check your divorce laws, haul him to court if you can, some states allow you to sue the OM/OW. 

Divorce is not a rosy picture , ensure your wife knows this and that you will not tolerate an affair under any circumstances , nor will you accept a marriage where she does not love you and actively work on the marriage.

The advice sounds harsh to a newcomer however waywards follow a script you being here will help tilt the balance that enables you to make decisions from a position of strength.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Right now, you are in a panic because your life has been turned upside down, and she is your only focus. What you have to realize is that anger will eventually set in. Problem is, at this rate, it will set in when she either leaves you, or finally decided to give your marriage a real try. By then, the anger is either useless or counter productive.

I'm saying this because I really feel that you've summed up the reason that she cheated on you, but you are missing the way to show her that you are worthy of her attention and love.

Now is the time to stand up and be strong instead of this victim mentality that you've slowly slidden into for years. To her, the weight is probably not a turnoff as much as the fact that you just gave into it. And you kneel before her, convinced that the ADD is a weakness. Did it just start recently? No, it existed when she chose you to marry.

Start working on you. Immediately. Lose the weight, and get back your self-respect. Be angry about the affair now. Not bitter or childish. Just angry like the man she married would be angry.

One day, she'll realize that she's lucky that you are giving her a chance. Make that your mission.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

As has been suggested let the other wife know what is going on, she may not know

You have talked yourself into a box, in that you have made excuse after excuse, of what can't be done to rectify this situation 

She is rubbing your nose in this---she seems to have a bit of guilt, but she also doesn't seem to care, and has great disrespect for you

Be prepared to live in misery if you do nothing,


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## hurthusb (Jul 25, 2011)

She doesn't expect this guy to leave his wife. She knows he won't. She says what she's looking for is love.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I agree with most of this. My wife had an EA and I thought it was all my fault. She ended it and we are reconciling.

Look, stop being a doormat. Call this man's wife, forget about the man. Call the wife. Ask her what she knows. Your wife might have told you her whole family knows JUST SO YOU WOULDN"T RAT HER OUT!! If the wife does know, then you can just say you are calling to commiserate and strategize with her on what to do.

Your kids will likely find out. This is the reality. You are not going to be the same person. Your mood will tell them something is going on, and they are old enough to figure it out. 

Here's something else you need to do. Find a hobby and a couple of friends. Hang out with someone from work. You make 3x her income, so your job should be more important than hers. Say you have work stuff to do and go have a beer with a couple of coworkers. Get a life outside the home so you can feel like you have some worth elsewhere. And it would show your wife you can move on.

I made HUGE strides when I told my wife my plan if we split up. I had it all figured out. Go to the gym more, join a support group, try online dating, etc, etc. I was very specific and she was SHOCKED and HURT! Once she knew I could not just survive, but actually had a plan for a life if she left, she really snapped back to reality. It was awesome.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Yet you still say his wife knows ,call the wife and work together to break the affair.

Do yourself a faviour and reread all our posts, draw up an action plan and work to it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hurthusb (Jul 25, 2011)

I need to get past the shock - I'm still just over 24 hours from finding out I was betrayed.

She's not going to walk out unless I ask her to. But as of now, she also isn't going to stop the affair.

So I have to decide. Do I accept the new situation and hope to win her back with my understanding and love? Or do I blow up the family and kick her out?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

You call the OM's wife first then when you have a better understanding of what is happening you make a decision as to the next steps.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

I would NEVER accept this situation. Either she needs to go, or you need to. She's not giving this affair up. This is smacking you in the face on a daily basis. You need to make major changes- NOW.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

hurthusb said:


> So I have to decide. Do I accept the new situation and hope to win her back with my understanding and love? Or do I blow up the family and kick her out?


Do NOT accept this situation! You have not blown up your family--she has. You kicking her out is just part of what she did, not you!

There is no shame for you to accept what has transpired and attempt to protect yourself and your family. However, do not even own what your wife has done.


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

You're taking the word of a cheating spouse, who has every intention of continuing the affair in front of your face? Suffice it to say, there is a possiblity she's still lying about things.

She has it pretty great doesn't she? She gets to continue the affair, only work P/T, gets to stay in the home, and has no repurcussions for her actions. Sounds good to me. 

Listen to the experience of others on here, and if you don't want to live that way, start blowing up the affair and call the OMW.

Who exactly would leak the news to your children?


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## hurthusb (Jul 25, 2011)

@KGF - We have a large circle of aquaintances from many different areas in our community. It's highly likely that rumors of this would get to people I know - and who have children that a friends with my kids. 

That's how I found out about my father's affair.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Whatever you decide---you do not leave the home---otherwise you will get nailed for abandonment


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## hurthusb (Jul 25, 2011)

If the situation becomes unbearable, she has already said she would move out. She accepts that she is the one who betrayed our marriage. The issue is that she would rather get divorced than lose this guy, and divorce means my children's lives get completely turned upside down.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

"If the situation becomes unbearable, she has already said she would move out. She accepts that she is the one who betrayed our marriage. The issue is that she would rather get divorced than lose this guy, and divorce means my children's lives get completely turned upside down."

EXACTLY Hurt!! You lay down the law and say she can keep the OM and you file for D and everybody, including the kids will know why, OR, she kills the affair now!

That way, guess what? SHE makes the decision. NOT YOU! It's all on her, the guilt, the agonizing choices, etc! That's the way it should be! You see how this works??

I know it's been such a short time, but we are trying to turn on the light bulb for you.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

hurthusb said:


> She's not going to walk out unless I ask her to.


so ask her.


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

michzz said:


> Do NOT accept this situation! *You have not blown up your family--she has*. You kicking her out is just part of what she did, not you!


:iagree:
You're trying to make right what she set wrong. A wife and a mother sleeping with another man is wrong. If she wants someone else, she should have gotten out of her marriage first.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

I'll be really surprised if the OMW knows of the affair. There is no freakin' way I would've been okay with my H continuing his affair while married to me. On d-day when I learned it was not just an EA, but a PA... I wanted a divorce. My H talked me into trying to R for the kids, but I only would consider it as long as the A was over.

You're being way to hard on yourself. You can loose weight and improve your self confidence by feeling physically fit. As far as the ED, it's not a deal breaker if someone truly loves you. There's a whole slew of other toys to keep the bedroom activities fun and interesting, plus the Viagra you mentioned. Some women might actually prefer to keep sex to a minimum and enjoy intimacy in other ways. Remember, your wife is not the only woman in the world for you. It would be better to be single and alone than to be treated with such disrespect. 

Would you ever want any of your children to stay married to someone that refused to give up their affair partner? Teach them now that it's preferrable to be alone than to be second choice. You won't be able to hide the fact that you're a roommate and not a husband to your wife if you stay together while she cheats. Better to be the one to tell your kids an honest but softer truth, so they don't hear the harsh reality from another source. Your kids will find out eventually if the affair continues, but it sounds like your wife doesn't mind them knowing, so it's just a matter of time before they know.

I'm so sorry you're going through this and I'm appalled at your wife's selfishness. It's another thing all cheaters have in common. Lying and selfishness go hand in hand in every person who chooses to cheat. It does get better in time, but you'll never be able to heal if you have to have her affair in your face daily. That would be doing an injustice to your happiness and your children's.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

She is following the script, call the OM's wife, out her to her family and your older children, ensure they know you love them and will be there for them, rather they hear from you now then via overheard conversations and cut off all finances to her . She needs a dose of reality
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I'd suggest that you try negotiating with her to make it a non-contested divorce. If she has any iota of remorse or guilt about betraying you, it can be used to your benefit when writing the terms of the divorce - i.e. you get to stay in the family home, you get custody of the kids, etc. You can even consider allowing her to stay in the family home even after the divorce is finalized simply for the purpose of helping sustain the household finances.

How sad that your wife would allow herself to become nothing more than another man's f**k buddy. All for a man who is probably still having sex with his wife and will probably not leave her, if ever, for many years to come. She certainly knows how to pick 'em , doesn't she?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

hurthusb said:


> My children aren't grown. 18,16,15,12,11,8,4 and 2.
> 
> The affair has already been exposed on the other side. Apparently, his wife is telling her friends. My wife has already said that if I can't deal with it, or if it looks like it's going to get public and I will be humiliated, we'll sit the kids down and tell them. But I don't want to do that. I remember how I felt when I found out my father was having an affair.
> 
> I guess I'm hoping that the newness will go away and she'll realize the guilt isn't worth it any more. But I'm probably stupid.


That is a lot of kids for sure. Will she not want to have an additional of his? I would think so.
If so that will be your responsibility.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

hurthusb said:


> She doesn't expect this guy to leave his wife. She knows he won't. She says what she's looking for is love.


And she is willing to be this married man's mistress and willing to cuckold you so she can have this love. She is his second choice becasue he will not divorce. But she wants him more than you. She has had eight children with you. I am assuming they are all of your children but with her attitude now I would not bet on it. I am not trying to beat you up, but I am trying to show you how crazy this is.

They are going to want to get away from the in house spouses for some vacations. You will of course be expected to pay for those as well. I am assuming they do not have sex in your home, but maybe they do. If not are you also paying for the hotel rooms?


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

Pick your BALLS up off the floor and tell her to [email protected] already. This is why she doesn't respect you- You're waffling. Man-up already


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Some of you folks are in a pretty bad mood today.......just saying


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

Bro... she's not giving up the affair, man. He's been eating a **** sandwhich for a while now. He needs to act... and act NOW. Just saying.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

BigBri said:


> Bro... she's not giving up the affair, man. He's been eating a **** sandwhich for a while now. He needs to act... and act NOW. Just saying.


:iagree:


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

it-guy said:


> Some of you folks are in a pretty bad mood today.......just saying


He is totally stunned right now. He has gone into low level survival mode. Understood. Sometime soon he will get to the anger like Halien has stated. We are trying to get him to realize he should not be accpeting of this.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

hurthusb said:


> She doesn't expect this guy to leave his wife. She knows he won't. She says what she's looking for is love.


In your panic, I'd encourage you to consider that you are overlooking one thing: this guy is giving her love. You are trying to offer love to get her back. In a sense, he is willing to risk your retaliation to get what he wants, though. He is pursuing her. She likely feels lucky to have this passion directed towards her. 

There has to be some degree of passion within you if you want to force a decision. You do this by behaving in a way that she can respect, and admire, even if it feels like pushing her away. She will only forget him the moment after she realizes that losing you will be a very stupid thing to do, and that it is inevitable that she will lose you if this continues. Harsh reality sets in the moment she is faced with being homeless if contact with him continues. She didn't have eight children by accident. You have all the cards that really matter, but standing by with your hands open doesn't show her a man who holds promise of replacing this passion she feels. 

Ten years from now, its highly unlikely that she will tell you thanks for loving her while she continued this relationship with another man. It'll be a source of shame to know that she turned her back on you, if you two work through this. But if she remembers that you were strong and solid when she was weak, she'll thank you for reeling her in.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Halien said:


> In your panic, I'd encourage you to consider that you are overlooking one thing: this guy is giving her love. You are trying to offer love to get her back. In a sense, he is willing to risk your retaliation to get what he wants, though. He is pursuing her. She likely feels lucky to have this passion directed towards her.
> 
> There has to be some degree of passion within you if you want to force a decision. You do this by behaving in a way that she can respect, and admire, even if it feels like pushing her away. She will only forget him the moment after she realizes that losing you will be a very stupid thing to do, and that it is inevitable that she will lose you if this continues. Harsh reality sets in the moment she is faced with being homeless if contact with him continues. She didn't have eight children by accident. You have all the cards that really matter, but standing by with your hands open doesn't show her a man who holds promise of replacing this passion she feels.
> 
> Ten years from now, its highly unlikely that she will tell you thanks for loving her while she continued this relationship with another man. It'll be a source of shame to know that she turned her back on you, if you two work through this. But if she remembers that you were strong and solid when she was weak, she'll thank you for reeling her in.


Nice :iagree: Well put.


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## mkl (Jul 9, 2011)

Be strong and hang in there. This is the one of the hardest experiences of your life but you will come out on the other side with a strength you have never known. 

She is in the “fog” right now, and making selfish decisions. I wouldn’t totally write her off but at the same time she can’t stay in the house and continue this relationship with the om. She has to choose.

I think she will find that this man will not be willing to flip his world upside down for her as she is willing to do for him. If I had to guess I would say the other man’s wife has no clue. I’m sure you will figure out soon who this guy is. That would be a good starting place. I hope that your wife can take a step away to see what she is doing before she loses everything. 

I am thankful that my husband didn’t do a 180 and turn his back on me. The fog is powerful and I am thankful to be back in the loving arms of my husband. He was firm and loving and endured more pain than any man should ever have to. But thank god he stuck by me. He allowed me time to go through this process and recommit my life to him. We are working towards having the greatest marriage ever. We have more love and respect for each other than I ever knew was possible. 


I wish all this for you in your marriage. You have a long curvy road ahead of you. I pray that your wife will come to her senesces. In the mean time you begin working on who you want to be in this life. Be strong and stand tall. You can do this!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

*Just Let Them Go*

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,
let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse,
and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,
wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.
A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

And for your last point,
The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.
You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,
they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them


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## Lily_B (Jul 28, 2011)

First let me say I am sorry you are going through this, it really does suck! Coming from just finding out 2 weeks ago, i know how it feels when it's so fresh in your mind and you are still putting the blame on yourself. However, that part does start to diminish quickly, with reading this forum and speaking to people you quickly realize that they are the ones that cheated you are not responsible, you are only responsible for 50% of the marriage! In your case with all your kids involved, it is a tough situation, BUT remember, YOU need to think of yourself first. Not an easy task, but the kids will survive anything, as long as you are there ROCK, which means that you need to think about what you want! Everyone on these forums mean well, but it is difficult to take sometimes as everyone's situation is different! Stay strong and remember YOU!!!!


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## hurthusb (Jul 25, 2011)

I appreciate all the advice, folks, and I'm glad to know I'm not the only one going through all this. My solution isn't one that is going to make many of you happy but it's the only one I can live with. I won't punish the children by kicking her out and I won't leave the children myself, so we are both staying in the house. We are working on building a stronger relationship as parents and even friends. For the moment, she is continuing her relationship. I'm not happy about it but she's not a prisoner and adultery isn't illegal, so unless I'm willing to break up us as parents there's not much I can do about it except rise above it. 

There's a lot more going on in my life over the last 2 weeks than even I imagined - the crisis that came over me when she told me of the affair changed my life in ways I could never have imagined. I have begun a spiritual journey that I hope is going to take me to a place where I will be a better man. She is amazed at the change in me and, although a little concerned about where it's coming from, she has become much more open with me and me with her. I'm hoping that the affair is an infatuation that eventually runs out of steam. If it isn't, then we'll deal with the consequences. I'm prepared to accept whatever happens, whether it's reconciliation, or we end up in a married partnership where we find some fullfillment outside of the marriage, or, if necessary, if we separate. However, with 8 children she will always be a part of my life and I will not use the children as pawns. So yes, she's a cake eater. And I am enabling this. It's possible she's using me and will leave me as soon as the OM can extricate himself from his marriage. But I choose to accept my fate, work on being the best father, partner and, if I am allowed, husband I can be.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Part of the problem is that you wife does not respect you, soon my friend this this disrespect will turn into discust and hate.

You solution in your last post is guaranteed to turn any respect she has for you into discust and hate.

You can still MAN UP and keep both of you in the house......you need to do a 180, you will find some very good 180 information on this site. 

Simply, stop talking about the relationship, stop talking to her, quit showing her love and affection, quit doing the little things you do for her, stop it all, when she is home with the kids, take off and do something for your self...GO TO THE GYM....don't tell her were you going. 

God, MAN UP

Also, contact the bastards wife.....let her know what her husband is doing......if you want your wife back, if you want what you had before but only better......

You need to quit being a puxxsy and MAN UP and fight for you wife.........its going to be hard but if you truly study the 180 material you will see its genius.

If you are not going to man up and take our advise why post, just be her pet until she finds a man.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

you are right, hurthusb. I don't like your response to this - but this isn't my bed, or anyone else's on this board. It's yours.

I completely agree with calif-hope that by doing what you are doing, you are losing whatever remaining respect you have from your wife. 

You are being a doormat. Doormats are not attractive. Women don't want to sleep with, or be married to doormat men. 

But mostly, you need to respect yourself. She doesn't really want a divorce, but she wants to cake eat. So if you are going to let her for the sake of the kids, then do things for yourself and stop thinking about her needs. She doesn't care about yours, clearly. Go have a beer, play some poker, pick up golf. Something just for you.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Hurthusb,

I agree with them on this. I don't think you realize that she is continuing to damage those around her. And allowing her to continue damaging you and your children is not a very good idea.

Thanksgiving is gonna be a little weird for the kids when daddy and mommy's boyfriend are both trying to outdo each other cutting the turkey.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

hurthusb said:


> I caused all this. *I'm 100+ pounds overweight* and have weight-caused sleep apnea.
> 
> Does anyone have any advice? I just need to be able to talk to someone! I couldn't sleep last night. I have these thoughts in my head - stupid thoughts about finding this guy and confronting him, or asking her for details. She'd probably be willing to have sex with me occasionally, *because she knows I have no way to find a relationship outside of the marriage*, but then I'll feel like it's a competition.
> 
> ...


This is from your initial post in this thread and I highlighted the relevant parts. Its obvious you're using the kids as an excuse to stay in this marriage, when it's clear that you have extremely low self esteem due to your huge weight problem. So you take whatever your cheating wife dishes at you and settle for the occasional pity f#ck. You're absolutely terrified of leaving the marriage and she knows it, so she'll continue to rub the A in your face because she knows she can. 

And now you want to wait out the affair because of your fear. And despite all the great advice of everyone here who's been in a situation like yours, you choose to live in fear and accept your fate. I truly feel sorry for you that you have no self respect left. Maybe one day you will find it, I don't know. Start losing the weight and work that fat off, since that is the basis for your lack of self esteem. Try a low carb diet, or try to find one that works, plus you MUST exercise. Dieting alone won't work and working out without dieting wont work either. You need both. Get to the gym or at least start taking walks in your neighborhood.


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## Wolf359 (Jun 10, 2010)

calif_hope said:


> Part of the problem is that you wife does not respect you, soon my friend this this disrespect will turn into discust and hate.
> 
> You solution in your last post is guaranteed to turn any respect she has for you into discust and hate.
> 
> ...



What the H*ll, Dude I have read almost every thing in the TAM Coping with Infidelity forum. You have to be the most love sick person yet. You have a count down clock running on you life right know. I bet as soon as she gets some money saved, and gets the OM ready, she is leaving you. Maybe with the kids also. I can not believe a male, that lost his family at a young age She needs somebody to act like a man. I care about what happens to you. You need to pray, and read the book "no more mister nice guy" ASAP. I have a hunch that your wife is a old school girl that loves, what the males of the old days did. (took no S**T) Sure she may say you have to do this, or that or I will leave, or is she testing you ? I would go down fighting for my family, so my sons do not think, that I'm not a man, and can do the right thing. If my dad did, what you have been doing, I would lose a lot of respect for him. I think you need to have a meeting with your sons older then 16 and ask what they say, about what to do. The feed back my surprise you. You then will have more support to stop this, and maybe she will get some negative thoughts about it. I say if this happened to me, everybody would know, I would make it my new job, so I could wake up, and know I did not brake up the house like she did, I tried to stop it. Also you have 8 kids, what if she, rewrote history later on and had you be the bad guy. You need to record, what is happening everyday, so you can have a log of whats going on. To show your kids, (WHEN THEY WILL ASK, NOT IF, WHEN). You just, pull out the info and show them, what there mother did, not you.


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

I just wanted to say that my parents are similar. Not the weight issue or infidelity (as far as I know) but the principle is the same. My mum has no self esteem whatsoever, and she puts up with everything my dad dishes out. My dad is an extreeeemely authoritarian person and thrives on telling the whole family how much of a disappointment and disgrace they are, constantly. I know its not the same in your situation but the principle is the same: my mum just takes it and never stands up for herself because she believes she could never get any other man, she believes that she is not worth anything. Your post struck a chord with me because I get the impression that you believe the same thing. And my dad has no respect for her whatsoever. He used to make an example out of her to us all the time , eg "don't end up like your mother" etc. And she just sat there and took it. I'm 100% sure if he decided to have an affair she would just nod and agree and turn a blind eye, just to keep the peace, and so that she would not lose him. 

If I could have one wish, it would be that she could get her mojo back, and kick him to the kerb. That would be the happiest moment of my life. Your kids aren't stupid, I'm sure they can see exactly what is going on in your relationship. I'm sure they (especially the older ones) would be thinking the same thing. But they may not want to say anything so as not to rock the boat. Sometimes "staying for the kids" just doesn't cut it. You could be doing them more harm than good.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

hurthusb said:


> My children aren't grown. 18,16,15,12,11,8,4 and 2.
> 
> The affair has already been exposed on the other side. Apparently, his wife is telling her friends. My wife has already said that if I can't deal with it, or if it looks like it's going to get public and I will be humiliated, we'll sit the kids down and tell them. But I don't want to do that. I remember how I felt when I found out my father was having an affair.
> 
> I guess I'm hoping that the newness will go away and she'll realize the guilt isn't worth it any more. But I'm probably stupid.


I apologize if this is too rude or blunt! 

1) WAKE UP!!! You have no idea whether this guys wife knows the story. Personally, I think you OWE it to her to make sure she knows all that you know.
2) You do not have to be imprisoned by the financial situation. You can move forward with a divorce and structure the agreement so you retain the house. Even if a second job delivering pizza's is necessary. Don't let her turn you into a prisoner.
3). Collect all the data you can on the A. It won't help with the divorce itself but may help yo in the settlement issues.

Good luck!


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

This sounds horribly familiar to my situation. I told her to stop the affair or tell the kids and get out.
She chose to tell the kids and get out.

six months later she is furious that I made her do it because it effectively killed any chance of the affair fantasy working. The fantasy is this.
You will get over this very quickly with minimal hurt
The kids will understand that mom has a higher love
She will introduce the kids to her new love and they will play happy families 
You will continue to be a good friend occasionally coming over for BBQ with them.

Reality.

She tried to introduce him to my older daughter. She went ballistic . Actual bodily harm was mentioned . 
I threw her out. 
She has lost the respect and trust of her daughters.
Her life is ****.

If you want to stop this affair and have any chance of keeping your family together you need to act. You need to give clear consequences. You need to protect your kids from this. 

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction..

You need to have CLEAR BOUNDARIES and CLEAR CONSEQUENCES for the actions she takes.

Do the 180. Start now.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Is there a cake or a card that goes with that? "I'm Having Sex with Someone Else!!!!!"


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## Darth Vader (Jan 2, 2011)

Why don't you drop the *****'s ass and divorce her?! No consequences for her actions means no motivation for change! You must make change for yourself since she wants to screw her OM, then you change her marital status from married and having sex with another man instead of her husband, to divorced, losing her home and her children! Kick her ASS out of the house! She cheated, SHE LEAVES! Don't you dare leave that house!


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## HEADENDTECH (Nov 8, 2009)

first i want to say im sorry its horrible that she is having an affair and its not your fault , what i would do is go on a diet get your self in a better mindstate and go from there..


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## crazyace (Aug 20, 2012)

I wonder what happened here !!


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

Dead Thread...but I bet his head is still stuck in the sand and is taking it up the rear.


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## TimesOfChange (Mar 20, 2013)

LOL nevermind it's from 2011 lol


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I have talked to this poster within the past 6 months. Last I heard, he has moved on with his new life. He is no longer with his wife. They are getting, or have finished their divorce by now.

He is a great example of a man crushed as many BS’s are, but then he moved on to something better in the end. He was also kind enough to support me through some tough times. We are all stronger at different times you know.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

it-guy said:


> I have talked to this poster within the past 6 months. Last I heard, he has moved on with his new life. He is no longer with his wife. They are getting, or have finished their divorce by now.
> 
> He is a great example of a man crushed as many BS’s are, but then he moved on to something better in the end. He was also kind enough to support me through some tough times. We are all stronger at different times you know.


What became of his ex-wife? Did she move on with her AP?


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I don’t know a lot of detail, but I believe she did stay with her AP. She also tried to take the poster for far more than she deserved. He was at a very weak point when he made the last post on this thread. He was about to just give up. But he manned the f*&k up and took care of himself in the end. Lawyers got involved, and I believe everything evened out about as well as it could in the end. 

I may check in with him today to see how he is doing.

I just saw this thread pop up because someone “liked” a previous post of mine and I got a notification.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

it-guy said:


> I don’t know a lot of detail, but I believe she did stay with her AP. She also tried to take the poster for far more than she deserved. He was at a very weak point when he made the last post on this thread. He was about to just give up. But he manned the f*&k up and took care of himself in the end. Lawyers got involved, and I believe everything evened out about as well as it could in the end.
> 
> I may check in with him today to see how he is doing.
> 
> I just saw this thread pop up because someone “liked” a previous post of mine and I got a notification.


What kind of person torches a marriage with 8 kids? Did he find somenone new?


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

He didn’t torch it. His wife was trying to make him a **** and he would not stand for it. She gave him no other choice. She refused to drop her AP, and never did.

I think he has a girlfriend now. He really is in a much better place. And his kids are fine.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Some really great points in morituri's post that I have quoted from below. I've never been cheated on, and I sometimes wonder, I honestly cannot fathom why some betrayed partners go to such lengths to try to win back a cheater.



morituri said:


> The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.


I have posted the same.. forget about revenge and exposure and posting the other person on cheaterville and telling their job (if applicable), forget about threats. Just freaking walk away and tell them to have a nice life because you are done. I don't condone this as a way of trying to win them back but I get that it could actually work out that way, once the cheater realizes their partner is walking away they just might realize the mess they made and reconsider. Certainly it will work better than trying to entice them back by being nice or something. 



morituri said:


> If you really loved your spouse,
> and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,


True. People are inherently selfish, let's face it. We put ourselves first, possibly with the exception of our children. Cheaters are thinking only of themselves, the betrayed spouses who want them back only think of their own needs. "I still love them, they made their vows to ME, they must come back!". If you love them in return, give them what they want! Otherwise you're being as selfish as they are. 



morituri said:


> Fighting the affair? For what reason?
> To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
> What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
> They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love?


Right! The only way to reclaim your own value and self esteem following your partners affair is to walk away. 



morituri said:


> You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
> you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
> you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"


You can say it but it doesn't mean a damn thing because you aren't telling your cheating partner anything they didn't already know and they don't need the reminder.



morituri said:


> You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.


Yes, the old 'nicing them back' loser strategy which I've seen on other threads, one of which I've been following closely to see what's going to happen because the Ops strategy flies in the face of common sense and established "dealing with cheater" strategy.

To the Op:

She loves another guy. She's already said she'll leave. Let her go. The rest will work itself out. 

OR, try to win her back by exposing the affair, threatening, coercing, nicing her, etc. Obviously not my recommended approach. 



hurthusb said:


> She'd probably be willing to have sex with me occasionally, because she knows I have no way to find a relationship outside of the marriage


Keep losing the weight, and eventually you'll get back out there and you will figure out how to have another relationship. You did it at least once, you can do it again.

Don't count on pity sex from her because she knows you can't get it elsewhere. You'll get to the point where you won't even want it.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

it-guy said:


> *He didn’t torch it.* His wife was trying to make him a **** and he would not stand for it. She gave him no other choice. She refused to drop her AP, and never did.
> 
> I think he has a girlfriend now. He really is in a much better place. And his kids are fine.


I was referring to the wife....she sounds like a real piece of work....when the karma vbus hits her it's not going to be pretty..did he get custody of the kids?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

it-guy said:


> He didn’t torch it. His wife was trying to make him a **** and he would not stand for it. She gave him no other choice. She refused to drop her AP, and never did.
> 
> I think he has a girlfriend now. He really is in a much better place. And his kids are fine.


Good to hear!


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

"_ My solution isn't one that is going to make many of you happy but it's the only one I can live with. I won't punish the children by kicking her out and I won't leave the children myself, so we are both staying in the house. _"

Hurt,

You've made one giant, glaring omission when you said the above statement. You continue to talk about "punishing" and "damaging" the kids ... but what you are forgetting is that the "damage" is already done .. BY YOUR WIFE. You can't stop it unless you have a time machine that I am unaware of.

Your kids would be far better served by you acting like a better role model who commands respect. Sticking your head in the sand while your wife gets bedded by another man with your endorsement does not make a good role model. Your kids are going to see this.

Instead of accepting this crap from your wife, make the preparations in your life/finances that will be required for a life without her .. even it means finding more affordable living arrangements. It is inevitable. You're kidding yourself if you think you can live like this.

PS: Betrayed spouses always use the "I'm staying for the kids" excuse to justify their denial or confrontation avoidance. I know plenty of children of divorce who grew up to be outstanding, stable, productive adults. You say you don't want her to use the kids as pawns ... well neither should you use them to justify your inaction.


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## SofaKingWeToddId (Feb 7, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Ok, so this post opened early 2011. We have no prognosis since then?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

OMG I made such a long post on a necro'd thread.

I'm almost ashamed


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

hurthusb said:


> I can't believe how much this hurts.
> 
> My wife of 22 years told me yesterday that she is having an affair with someone who is also married. We have 8 children and are not in a position where we could split, it would be financially ruinous. While I love her, she has told me in the past that if she could leave she would.
> 
> ...


Oh, god. Been there, or somewhere similar. Hurts like nothing else, doesn't it?

You both need counselling. Please find the thread "Reconciliation."

You need to lose weight. For her? No. For you. And your kids.

She's sorry your hurting? That's nice.

And does her lover's wife know about it? No. Of course not.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

lenzi said:


> Some really great points in morituri's post that I have quoted from below. I've never been cheated on, and I sometimes wonder, *I honestly cannot fathom why some betrayed partners go to such lengths to try to win back a cheater.*
> 
> 
> 
> ...


*
I'll tell you. In my case it was love. I'd met my soulmate and, as crushing and hurtful as her affair was, I could not let that get in the way of my feelings for her.*


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

it-guy said:


> I have talked to this poster within the past 6 months. Last I heard, he has moved on with his new life. He is no longer with his wife. They are getting, or have finished their divorce by now.
> 
> He is a great example of a man crushed as many BS’s are, but then he moved on to something better in the end. He was also kind enough to support me through some tough times. We are all stronger at different times you know.


I remember this thread. He actually came back under another name, RadicallyAccepting. Apparently his WW was spying on him and found out his posts on this forum.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/33464-wife-ongoing-affair-learn-my-fail.html

He claimed to have started divorce proceedings. If it-guy says he moved on and has a better life, then that's great. Because he would be the exception to the rule here. The vast majority of BS's who come here and then disappear because they can't handle or don't want to believe the advice given here, end up coming back and report everything is worse, or never come back here at all.

This was one of the horror stories, the WW was rubbing the affair in his face.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Please think about not having more children with your wife. Eight is a lot of children and it's a full-time parenting job. I don't understand how your wife has eight kids and time for an affair. 

How could your children have enough motherly attention while she carries on an affair.

Lose weight, get into a healthy state and find yourself a life partner who wants to be with you and your kids. This could take two or three years but it seems like you are willing to wait.

I would tell the other man's wife. She is the real victim in all this because she has not been allowed to make a choice. 

If the other man's wife throws him out, he may or may not want your wife. My guess is he will not. It's not fun anymore when his tension-release fvck buddy becomes his live-in girlfriend he has to support along with his family. He will drop your wife like a hot potato.

It's very sad that so many lives are affected but please don't think your kids are going to be better off living in a dysfunctional home. Let them grow up with honesty as their foundation.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

*THIS THREAD IS DEAD*


Read the original post date. Someone necro'd it by accident I think.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

I wish I could tear the lungs out of whoever convinced you that this is your fault.


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

hurthusb said:


> Do I accept the new situation and hope to win her back with my understanding and love? Or do I blow up the family and kick her out?


This is the problem with your attitude. You are not blowing up the family, she is. How can anyone expect you to live in a situation like this with an active cheater?


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## vox.populi (Aug 8, 2013)

I couldn't believe how much it hurt either.

Now I can't believe what a sentimental heart I have. She's still around because of my good grace. Her face is like that other piece of my soul. Now that being said...

All indicators point to you being the smarter of the two. Here is a question for everyone who has an opinion.

Is hurthusb going to land on his feet? Is his cheating wife?

You will buddy. Not her. In my mind, that is a fact. I want you to keep working out buddy. You have new shapely, intelligent, and sexually talented women to pursue. You are going to get laid like tile. You are going to turn down sex in favor of better sex. You are going to stand amazingly close to the fire and not get burned. You're the one who will have amazing sex with amazing attractive people and still have a nice warm meal waiting for you compliments of your wife. It's obvious dude. Her adoption of a **** buddy is just her acting out in fear. If you work to cage your inner beta-Male for just a brief, year long, timeout then you are gonna find that you are the hotness. You have the game. You can find yourself two or three insatiable part time lovers, have a good run, and welcome Mrs. Hurt right back into her corral all at the same time (if you ultimately decide that she is worth it). I know from experience that sentiment is hard to overcome. You don't want to really answer the hard questions. Right now the Beta Male Mr. Hurt is making excuses for more failures than just her faithfulness. Both of our homes have been neglected. Your children and my children both have some delays due to lack of adult supervision. Few people have mentioned that. Are the young ones struggling with homework during mommy's pitiful rendevous? Mine did. Is the living environment healthy? Mine wasn't. So add leadership to your list: Clean this place up. Wash those dishes. Take out your homework. I don't have all day. I'm scheduled to bench 300 pounds in one hour and I have an attractive young blond who wants to meet over drinks. It's too easy. Throw in a Masters Degree while you are at it.

There are other wounded ex-husbands on here who would even go so far as to tell you that basic services purchased in moderate portions from 1 maid and 1 hooker would augment your quality of life tenfold for one half the price but Im more of a realist. Hookers don't quite fill the need. I like some enthusiasm. Dont go down that road.

Give yourself about 6 months, look in a mirror and ask if you think you're any stronger, mentally or physically. You'll see. In the meantime; do you prefer blondes, brunettes, or readheads? Do you like when the drapes match the carpet? How do you feel about tatoos? Will she need to be a Tiger in the sack? Is she going to be required to persevere through long and difficult fellatio? Will you poach some other guy's wife once or twice for sport? Do you want two chicks at once? The sky is your only limit.

Everyone here agrees that you've earned the happiness that you're soon to rediscover. So get to it. Life is long and has many seasons and spring isn't very far off for you.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

vox.populi said:


> Will you poach some other guy's wife once or twice for sport?


*FAIL*

You were doing almost OK until you skewered your whole post with this line.


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