# Do you ever get past the guilt and pain you know you've caused?



## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

For those who were the ones that filed, and guess even if you weren't the one that filed, even though you know/knew it was the right thing for yourself, for you to get back your self worth, your happiness, even with a young child, you know/knew this is what needed to be done for you to be the happy parent your child deserves, did you ever get past the guilt of the pain you seen your stbex go through?

Is it right to stay in it out of guilt? The words that are said are like knives. Dull knives at best! He repeats how we've been through so much...(lost a child and both dads) and how he didn't want to get married and did, and didn't want kids, and did, how after all that can I have grown out of our marriage. He believes I love him, and I do, but knows I don't love him intimately or desire him like he does me. He wants to be content with that. ??? How is that healthy?

I feel things won't ever change. It's been 18yrs together, 12 married. Soon to be 13. He repeats to me how I'm going to regret all of it and it will be too late as once it's over he is done and won't look back. I made comment people divorce and some do end up back. He says no. Once it's over it's done, as I should know better once he puts his mind to something he does'n't turn back. 

He cries more then I've ever seen. He's been diagnosed as sever depression and anxiety. But refused medication as he states it's all my doing in what I'v created. He didn't need meds prior to my 'change' so doesn't need now. Just needs me fixed. Problem being, I can't be 'fixed' as he puts it, to his liking in what he wants for rest of life. He has turned deeply into religon. He doesn't feel a marraige should have outside friendships, at least not individual friendships. He states me and daughter is all he needs and wants me to be same. He's content of us being in our own little world. I'm not. 

I miss people my own age. I miss going out once in a while, lettin' my hair down, having fun. We use to go out with other couples have few drinks, dance. Haven't for long time. He doesn't even like to go to their card parites anymore. When we do, after about 2hours he's ready to go home. Of course now with this strong religon thing...I can only imagine that the 'lettin' hair down times' are definately a taboo! 

I never wanted to hurt him. I deeply in my heart never ever thought this momen would come in my lifetime. I too believed in ever after. Not only have a I grown, I also have come to see our parenting skills together are not at all healthy for our daughter. He treats her more like a boy. Kind of bulliesh. No compassion. Very gruff and rough. She fears him. He always says "she loves ya when she neeeds ya". My fears of him and her together with how he acts sometimes, he states are not valid. I'm a pushover and our daughter knows it. That when it's just the two of them she is fine they get along great. That she only acts 'fear of him' when I'm around because she knows how to come between us. Well, after last incident, I know that's a lie. How many kids, if learning discipline, yell at there parents with the fear of god in them? I'm talking it was if she was being attacked by a total stranger yelling for anyone to help her. An incident like that, I'm to chalk up to a learning curve. That it happens and we learn from it. He apologized, owned it, so we need to pass it. I can't. Too many of them have happend. Now, he only recognizes because I've found courage to be honest and said I've grown out of this marraige and don't feel we should continue.

He points around the house we just bought 2 years ago..."what about all this? look at what we have....you are just confused, you will regret this....." Those thoughts go through my mind, yes. And...I think...what if the day comes in a few years I do regret? Well...I made my bed I lie in it I guess. I'm sure even those who divorce on solid warrant, have a moment of regret...correct? Maybe I'm completely nieve thinking that's human? I'm so tired of worring. Tired of crying. Tired of doing and saying to 'appease' the situation, to ease the pain. It's doing nothing but adding more mud to the waters. His love language is physical so I give him sex. He even says it's not love, there's no connection it's just sex. But he's okay with it. I"m not. I want the passion, desire, the connection. If I want just sex, I'm sure that can be found or done on my own. 

How do you do what is right when you do love the person, just not to what they need? He's hurting and I'm so very sorry for that. My crystal ball obviously no so crystal clear. I hate hurting people....hence why I have always done things their way, to thier liking so they will like me and not look at me as a bad person. Husband included.


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## sad_dad (Dec 20, 2010)

My wife and I are going through a divorce. Some of the stuff that you say sounds like what she says.

Six months ago she said she would be happier a year from now. I doubt it. It's a painful thing, and it's hurt her, my kids and me.

She says she wanted more freedom and friends, too. She's got it, now.

But I think we could have worked it out so that she got it inside the marriage.

Divorcing someone is a big thing, especially when you have kids. You may regret it a year from now.

It's easy to blame the one next to you for your unhappiness, but I've learned that happiness comes from within. Not from your partner. It's up to you to communicate your needs and make sure you get them. If he stops you from getting your needs met, that's one thing. But if he doesn't know what you are missing, can you blame him?

My wife (ex-wife) still doesn't get that happiness comes from within, and she is now blaming her for her greatly increased unhappiness. I'm unhappy, too. And struggling to re-build my life.

I wish that I had known what I know now a few years ago.

Good luck


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

> It's easy to blame the one next to you for your unhappiness, but I've learned that happiness comes from within. Not from your partner


Sad dad: I completely agree with you. Unfortunately, I feel I'm18yrs too late. We started out connected at hip, me 23, he 33. I never developed my own friendships. I moved back home from college, met him and it's been us ever since. The friends, or acquantences rather, I have are all through him. All older. 

It truly started when I deceived him in getting pregnant without his knowledge. Well..lol..he was involved but he thought I was taking my bc pills. We lost baby prior. He never wanted kids (long story) and I got to point, he had all these friends, things for himself and nothing, or so I felt. So..I wanted and felt I deserved a child for myself and thats what happend. I feel for me, back then is when I should have either A) got counseling or B) got out. So here I am, 8 yrs. later feeling it all over again. Out of our 12 yr marriage, I have literally gone out with my own friends (co-workers at time) 4 different times. In 12 years! A year ago I wanted to go out with an old girlfriend we planned a shopping day, dinner and overnight to go out somewhere dancing and yes, a few drinks. I'm not an irresponsible person, no reason for him to not trust which he also agress to, but he knew this girls husband and flat out said to me, "you are not going out with her, I've heard too much about her and her husband being swingers." Ummm...do you trust me? Yes. So what her and her husband do on thier time affects me how? It doesn't, I just don't want her coming in and disrespecting me and disrupting our life. And that happens how? 

It has gone down hill ever since. H and I have never cheated on one another. In fact, he has been upset with ME becuase I'm NOT more jealous of him. That I don't constantly worry what he's doing, why or with whom. He flirts a lot, always has (that's how he got me) and I made comment once he was harmless. Well, that was huge ego crusher he told me to never take him for granted as he knows all to well what he's capable of. I explained wasn't taking for granted, just was that comfortable in our marrige to know who he was with and coming home to. Never once thought the 'what if's' with him.

So, now it's come down to this he and my daughter are all I should need, I shoudn't need outside friendships, I shouldn't need a girls night out, or if I do it should only be dinner. I'm sorry, everyone can hate me but I'm only 40. I'm not dead. We met dancing. I LOVE dancing and unfortunately, to dance you have to go to a club/bar and yes, I like to have a drink once in a while. I don't drink and drive and again, I've never done anything against my marriage. There is no happy medium. I did go to just dinner one night with a friend whom he values. Found out later, he stewed all night wondering if I was getting advise from her about divorce and how her kids handled it. She's been divorced 5 yrs now. 

It's a lot of things all combind from way back when just now all coming out via my counseling, which I have quit. Why? Because I was realizing more and more this marriage may not be right and like above, the guilt started so figured I'd sweep it under the rug, continue to do what he wants, makes him happy and play the part to not ruin lives, other than my own. However, now...there are things with our daughter that have surfaced that he definately needs help with and he feels I'm just being ridiculous over. They are emotional where he contantly teases her, antagonizes her, plays too rough with her like she's a boy, feels she needs to 'toughen' up, and just a whole gamet of things.

I know you didn't need this long explanation. I apologize. You are right, happiness comes from within and H doesn't not get that nor want to. He feels we make each other happy and that's that. 

Thank you for your input. I do appreciate it!


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

emotionalwreck said:


> For those who were the ones that filed, and guess even if you weren't the one that filed, even though you know/knew it was the right thing for yourself, for you to get back your self worth, your happiness, even with a young child, you know/knew this is what needed to be done for you to be the happy parent your child deserves, did you ever get past the guilt of the pain you seen your stbex go through?
> 
> Is it right to stay in it out of guilt? The words that are said are like knives. Dull knives at best! He repeats how we've been through so much...(lost a child and both dads) and how he didn't want to get married and did, and didn't want kids, and did, how after all that can I have grown out of our marriage. He believes I love him, and I do, but knows I don't love him intimately or desire him like he does me. He wants to be content with that. ??? How is that healthy?
> 
> ...


well I think there isn't any guilt or pain in leaving if no love is left there . Because if there is still love , you try to work & change your situation in order to be happy rather than walking away without trying . 

Best of luck


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## krispy30 (Dec 23, 2010)

You sound just like I did several months back when I confronted my husband that I wanted out of the marriage. As someone posted, you find happiness within! That is something I am learning the hard way. I regret telling him to leave and walking away. I am miserable and I hate myself and life. I cant seem to find any happiness within. I know we were suppose to be together till death and I screwed that up. Not only by walking away from the marriage but having one affair 5 yrs into the marriage. I have hurt him plenty and regret it so much. I cry every day and I am literally begging for his forgiveness at this point but you know...the truth...nothing will be ok in our marriage again. Even if he did find it in his heart to forgive me and take me back, I haven't found peace within myself. I am majorly depressed, anxiety and bipolar. My medications do not seem to be doing their job anymore. So ... what do I do? How do I find the strength to go on when I am so miserable and unhappy? I just want to sleep forever. That is what happiness is to me. So anyway, I relate to where you are. I do not have any answers for you but I am right there with you. I just want to give up but for some reason I keep moving forward. Maybe we can help each other and give encouragement when needed? I am just saying....who know. It might be crazy enough to work.


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