# Very Quick Rant



## nice777guy

You don't live here anymore - and if you were really that ****ing fond of me why did you spend the last 3 years of our marriage on your phone and laptop with a bunch of unemployed losers?

Grass ain't so green is it *******?


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## deejov

Aww, she still loves you after all. 
Or you got your tax refund ??


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## nice777guy

Lol!!!

I think she might actually be realizing some things.

Pisses me off when she acts needy.


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## that_girl

I hate that ****! Your rant is valid and you should tell her that.


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## nice777guy

Hard for me to tell off an idiot who is acting sad and vulnerable.

She's gone - time for me to get back to how I can enjoy steak and BJ day as a single man!


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## that_girl

She's just manipulating you with her sulkiness.

See through it!!


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## nice777guy

I was only seeing red. She left quickly. Whatever I said worked...can't/won't get nasty with the kids around...

Weird - it's harder to deal with when they "act" nice to you.


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## Traggy

Yeah, but it has to be a little bit empowering. To know that you were actually right about a few things.


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## ing

A kid is sick at the moment [just flu] and she is with me. I did the right thing and texted her that I wont be sending her to school and that she was staying bed for the day. 
She has called about 6 times telling me how good I am, how kid is in safe hands. 

For Fcks Sake. Just fckn fck off you fckn fcker.. 

Ok feel better now..

[nice thread this.. }


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## nice777guy

ing said:


> A kid is sick at the moment [just flu] and she is with me. I did the right thing and texted her that I wont be sending her to school and that she was staying bed for the day.
> She has called about 6 times telling me how good I am, how kid is in safe hands.
> 
> For Fcks Sake. Just fckn fck off you fckn fcker..
> 
> Ok feel better now..
> 
> [nice thread this.. }


Right there with you...


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## nice777guy

Traggy said:


> Yeah, but it has to be a little bit empowering. To know that you were actually right about a few things.


Double edged sword in a way.

At this point I'd almost rather be "Fat Dumb and Happy" than to be able to say I was right....

Feels good to say that I'm mostly a happier person now than I was a year ago.


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## Shooboomafoo

Glad it gets better. On month seven after the D.
I cant (meaning wont) think of the ex anymore. The resulting bitterness towards her and availability of things to justifiably be p!ssed about are refreshed daily in her life. 
I guess shes happy. I guess she just needed to get rid of all the problems in her life, which undoubtedly was all compiled in "me".
I know better than this of course, but I could go on for hours..

Beginning to think Ive entertained the pity party for myself long enough. I believe we are supposed to grieve, as it is good for us to release the emotions in this way. But I dont like the pathetic sense I get about myself anymore, and to allow that would continue to give credence to my self imbibed state of victimhood.

So,,, fk her.

LOL,, thats pretty much all I have anymore..


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## Jayb

Shooboomafoo said:


> Glad it gets better. On month seven after the D.
> I cant (meaning wont) think of the ex anymore. The resulting bitterness towards her and availability of things to justifiably be p!ssed about are refreshed daily in her life.
> I guess shes happy. I guess she just needed to get rid of all the problems in her life, which undoubtedly was all compiled in "me".
> I know better than this of course, but I could go on for hours..
> 
> Beginning to think Ive entertained the pity party for myself long enough. I believe we are supposed to grieve, as it is good for us to release the emotions in this way. But I dont like the pathetic sense I get about myself anymore, and to allow that would continue to give credence to my self imbibed state of victimhood.
> 
> So,,, fk her.
> 
> LOL,, thats pretty much all I have anymore..


Just curious. When and how did you reach that point?


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## Shooboomafoo

I initially had the sadness, hopelessness, and was grieving about it daily.
All of that sadness turned to anger after awhile, and was supported by the continuing wreckless way she was making stupid decisions based on her selfcenteredness. 
Simply put, nothing, not even the well being of her own flesh and blood mattered to her. 
And here I was, grieving for the loss of a relationship with a piece of sh!t person.

I found myself asking if I would ever want to be back with her,, everytime I started feeling sorry for myself or getting sad about it all,,, and my answer to myself was a resounding NO-hell no-, and it began to take the edge off of the sense of loss. My daughter was seemingly fine with all of it, her grades were better, no problems with behavior at school, so it wasnt the disruption I thought it would be to her. 

I know that if I were to keep in touch with my exwife, and continually witness her lifestyle and decisions develop, that it would only be a source of continued disgust for me. I was talking to my friends and family about it all, and found myself becoming a broken record. I began to wonder if I wasnt enjoying the attention and support that I was getting from people a little too much, and I felt a bit ashamed at myself.

Something had to give. I was still holding on to what was, holding onto this huge flag of "look what happened to me" as if I was looking to show as many people as possible and garner their sympathy about it.

I got to the point of being able to allow myself to look at it as an event that actually saved me from a life of hell with that person. I had to be honest about how our relationship truly was while married, and it wasnt super by any means. I was allowing myself to be a victim. 

Moving into my own house, being away from that woman, and then the extent of grieving I did, I think has finally drained it all out of me. Two nights ago I saw something on t.v. that made me trigger and think about some of the good things in our past. Thing is, this time, I wasnt bawling about it, this time I thought to myself.. what a fking btch. And that was it. Thats when I realized I had given too much energy to this, when I was the only one giving it any energy. The ex had already moved a guy in, so basically I was being pathetic in my own eyes. 
I catch myself now, when I think in ways that lead me to feeling sorry for myself and where I am. I try to understand what the real problem is. I think I am just taken aback by where I am right now, as I had never even considered it possible in the past. (Alone, single, 40, lifes plans all shredded)

So, to answer your question, I think I just got tired of living like I was with that as a focus. I think I pretty much drained myself of the sorrow of its occurrance. 
I know that I am not going to be a friend of hers, as so many people seem to be able to do. Perhaps different situations allow for that, but not this one. I can forgive her, but its going to take time, and I can forgive, but from a distance. 
I'm not trying to punish her, by staying away and keeping away from her.
I am exercising my right, given BY her, to not give a sh!t in the slightest anymore. 
It no longer gets any power, becuase I refuse to give it any power over me.
I believe Ive grieved long enough, and can tell because I cant seem to really cry about it anymore... (weird).

Im at the point, that I dont like her, even as a person. 

Also, I think about the "new" person, that doesnt exist yet.
The woman I find that will be the complete and total opposite of what this "meat encased in flesh" turned out to be.
There are so many positives I am beginning to look forward to in stark contrast to how my ex was.

For now, I am just doing my own thing, and trying to figure out what course I want my life to take now. Kind of exhilarating, and enticing. To think, I can do any damn thing I want now. I am no longer bound by my own sense of commitment to someone undeserving of it. 

I feel free now. I may have moments where I think to myself what a disappointment that was, and be a little sad. But I am no where near where I was in the beginning. 
This forum was instrumental in my healing. Hearing other people express their agreement that what happened was not right. Hearing that people were going thru the exact same thing, and feeling the exact same way.


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## LovesHerMan

What a great post, Shoo. I remember your original avatar, and I am so glad that you have worked through the misery. Your words will help others who believe there is no light at the end of the tunnel.


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## proudwidaddy

Shoo,
I read your post, and a light went off in my head. When you wrote, "I began to wonder if I wasnt enjoying the attention and support that I was getting from people a little too much, and I felt a bit ashamed at myself.

Something had to give. I was still holding on to what was, holding onto this huge flag of "look what happened to me" as if I was looking to show as many people as possible and garner their sympathy about it."

This has been me for the last month, and I realize that if I keep going at it I'm going to lose my true friends who have been there for me.

I can either be a victim the rest of my life, give her the power.....or take the power back from her, and start living my life for me, for my children, show them the best person possible.

Thank you for your post!


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## nice777guy

Picked an old post of mine. Ex got under my skin with a very "snippy" text and for some Dumb reason I'm struggling to let it go.

Really pisses me off that she has Any influence whatsoever over my mood. Thought "I" was doing better than to let her unhappiness impact me.

What an *******!!!!


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## notreadytoquit

nice777guy said:


> Picked an old post of mine. Ex got under my skin with a very "snippy" text and for some Dumb reason I'm struggling to let it go.
> 
> Really pisses me off that she has Any influence whatsoever over my mood. Thought "I" was doing better than to let her unhappiness impact me.
> 
> What an *******!!!!


What happened?


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## nice777guy

Not much really. I think she's just grumpy because our youngest daughters grades slipped from As to Bs - so she's having to actually pay attention to her homework.

I made a joke about "sounds like a party" and she claimed that "i" was the "party parent!"

Little thing really - just got under my skin.


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## OldGirl

Wish I could make you laugh like you're always making me laugh, but I just don't have that gift. (((hugs)))


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## nice777guy

OldGirl said:


> Wish I could make you laugh like you're always making me laugh, but I just don't have that gift. (((hugs)))


Thanks. Just "noticing" helps.

Feeling better now. Just need to not let HER bad moods bother me...


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## that_girl

Lame. Text a friend something mean. lol START A FIGHT! WOOT! :woohoo:


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## nice777guy

Exactly...


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## Shoeguy

Nice,

Probably good that you didn't reply with something like "maybe true, but I think balloons are inappropriate for the occassion".

Have a great day.

shoeguy


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## Shooboomafoo

My little girl is in a club at school that meets early in the morning before school, so on one day of the week that I have "conservatory possession" of her, (lol), I have to take her over to her moms to be taken to school since the school is adjacent to the neighborhood over there. 

When I wake up on that day of the week, and remember that its "that day" that I have to take her over there, I get a sinking almost nauseous feeling. Like I'd rather not go.
Having to see the ex, is not something I would prefer, but I have to, in order for the kid to participate in things that are important.
But seeing the ex makes me sick. Not because I miss her or care about her, but becuase I dont want to see anything about her or her life or whatever.. I just want to be away from her for good, she means nothing to me, except a person ready to manipulate and use any inch you give her. Im not that guy anymore. 
I guess I may still resent her which would be normal, but I dont have the slightest obligation to her, and I like that. It comes from being manipulated and used, and for lack of the ability to leave a handprint across her forehead, I choose to stay away as much as possible.


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## Shoeguy

Shoo,
I used to get that empty pit feeling as well. She had the boyfriend, my old house and my kids the majority of the time etc. I have tried to figure out a way to switch it around so if anyone has the pit in the stomach it was her.

I use that thought to try and be the best I can and make positive steps in my life. Then when she and my kids see me they can think about how much I've grown positively since the divorce.

An example of that is this past weekend I helped adult staff a leadership camp for high school kids with a focus on alcohol, tobacco and drug prevention. It was the first time I have ever done anything remotely like that. Instead of celebrating St. Patty's day with drinking (the past method of celebrating) I was hopefully making a positive impact of one of the 58 kids there. What a great feeling that was and that would have never happened if I didn't get divorced.

Is there anything you can think of to get involved with around the community? 

I also started volunteering at the food bank. I found it is a great way to meet people and get some self fulfillment. Disclaimer notice...I only do these things once in a while. Which is less than once a month or so not every week. I don't want to make it sound like I've become a huge supporter/volunteer because I don't think that is the case. Just something to do that is new for me.

Sorry if I hijacked the thread.

Shoeguy


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## nice777guy

I'm mentally and physically exhausted. And also very horny.

No - not joking. Just feeling the need to vent a bit.


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## proudwidaddy

Nice,
I know I won't get any sympathy from people on this but it's been 5 months for me since I've had sex, and I'm craving it. It's going to be a long while I know.


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## nice777guy

Some days it seems possible that I may never have sex AGAIN!

And - I'd like to take a nap - but my co-workers keep complaining about my snoring. Darn office cubicles...


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## SRN

proudwidaddy said:


> Nice,
> I know I won't get any sympathy from people on this but it's been 5 months for me since I've had sex, and I'm craving it. It's going to be a long while I know.


Fuuuuuuuuck.... and I thought two months was bad. 
That said, now that my divorce is all but final, I'm less reticent about thinking about "picking up" a girl when I'm out with friends. It was never my thing. My ex was my only one ever, but now that thats over, game on? (does that make me sound like a pig?)


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## proudwidaddy

SRN,
No I've been told by many people to go out and pick up someone, I just have to wait until my divorce is final (couple months I hope). What sucks is right before my wife said she wanted a divorce, we had a 2 - 3x a week ratio for sex, now nothing. It's been tough.


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## nice777guy

SRN said:


> Fuuuuuuuuck.... and I thought two months was bad.
> That said, now that my divorce is all but final, I'm less reticent about thinking about "picking up" a girl when I'm out with friends. It was never my thing. My ex was my only one ever, but now that thats over, game on? (does that make me sound like a pig?)


No - especially if you were faithful to your ex.


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## nice777guy

proudwidaddy said:


> SRN,
> No I've been told by many people to go out and pick up someone, I just have to wait until my divorce is final (couple months I hope). What sucks is right before my wife said she wanted a divorce, we had a 2 - 3x a week ratio for sex, now nothing. It's been tough.


So - are people telling you to just pick up someone for the night - or to get out and meet people?

After 17 years of marriage - must admit - I'm a little gunshy about the "just for the night" business.


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## SRN

nice777guy said:


> No - especially if you were faithful to your ex.


Completely faithful.



nice777guy said:


> So - are people telling you to just pick up someone for the night - or to get out and meet people?
> 
> After 17 years of marriage - must admit - I'm a little gunshy about the "just for the night" business.


Depends on the friends. A few advocate just picking up some chicks and "get it out of my system". Not really my thing, but I get where they are coming from. And to be honest, there is some appeal to that. Most, though, think that I just need to try and meet some people, lay some groundwork, build up the confidence again.

I hear you, eight years with the same person here and not really much of a dater prior to that. I'm not really excited by the prospect of being "out there" again.


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## OldGirl

Don a uniform, saddle up a horse, and light up a cigar. The girls will be lined up down the block, OR you'll get hauled off to the looney bin where you can get some much needed rest


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## nice777guy

OldGirl said:


> Don a uniform, saddle up a horse, and light up a cigar. The girls will be lined up down the block, OR you'll get hauled off to the looney bin where you can get some much needed rest


Lol!!!


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## that_girl

Just be careful of the crazies!! The ones who say they're up for a fling/ONS, but never go home.



Beware


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## nice777guy

that_girl said:


> Just be careful of the crazies!! The ones who say they're up for a fling/ONS, but never go home.
> 
> 
> 
> Beware


THAT'S part of what I'm afraid of!!!


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## Jayb

I am so afraid I will fall so head over heels for any next woman, that I am dtermined not to let it happen.

Dating? What's that? LOL


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## ing

Over a year and my life is looking up in so many ways, and then out of the blue. I miss her. Just being around her. Twenty Five years of living and working together and then nothing. 
I know that to heal it has to be nothing and it is nothing.

I know that the person she is is not the same person I loved, but I miss the woman I loved for so long. I miss her smile.
I
suppose it is like the death of a loved one. Some days, you just miss them. 

Fck.So annoyed with myself. I just needed a little rant. Be okay in a min. 

My heart aches for that woman I loved. Not the living dead I see when she looks at me now, not the morally bankrupt person she is. I wonder if she misses herself? I wonder if she misses the man who loved her, for herself not what she brings to the bed.

Pick myself up again. Kick myself in the ass again. Think of my new life and all that holds. Think of the things said and done by her. Think of all the terrible things.
There. done..
Still miss that woman I loved though. Gone as though dead.


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## SRN

So keeping with the theme this thread has taken, I was at a coffee shop in town here last night working on a presenation I have coming up. A friend stopped by and we got to talking about women, dating, et. all. He's got a bit more experience in that realm and he said, "Just do it. Don't worry about the rejection, you're going to get rejected a lot. But if you don't try, you'll never know. And the more you try, the more confident you are." He's a bit of a 'thug' (I keep an eclectic group of friends) so his advice was perhaps a little more 'street' if you will. 
So there was this girl there that I had been eyeing, and I caught her looking my way a few times. So on my way out, I stopped off at her table said a few complementary things, gave her my number and told her to call me if she's not seeing anyone and might like to grab coffee.
I've _never_ done anything like that before. So I probably came off uber-nervous, but I did it! Felt pretty good about myself afterwards.
Of course this morning I was back to pinning about my wife and wanting to contact her. But I went to sleep feeling good!


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## nice777guy

SRN said:


> So keeping with the theme this thread has taken, I was at a coffee shop in town here last night working on a presenation I have coming up. A friend stopped by and we got to talking about women, dating, et. all. He's got a bit more experience in that realm and he said, "Just do it. Don't worry about the rejection, you're going to get rejected a lot. But if you don't try, you'll never know. And the more you try, the more confident you are." He's a bit of a 'thug' (I keep an eclectic group of friends) so his advice was perhaps a little more 'street' if you will.
> So there was this girl there that I had been eyeing, and I caught her looking my way a few times. So on my way out, I stopped off at her table said a few complementary things, gave her my number and told her to call me if she's not seeing anyone and might like to grab coffee.
> I've _never_ done anything like that before. So I probably came off uber-nervous, but I did it! Felt pretty good about myself afterwards.
> Of course this morning I was back to pinning about my wife and wanting to contact her. But I went to sleep feeling good!


I could do that - but I know I'm not ready for anything serious. Met one girl online who said the same, but then she was texting me all the time.

Just wondering if it's a good idea to stick with the whole "take a year off from dating" advice.


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## SRN

nice777guy said:


> I could do that - but I know I'm not ready for anything serious. Met one girl online who said the same, but then she was texting me all the time.
> 
> Just wondering if it's a good idea to stick with the whole "take a year off from dating" advice.


I've had a lot of people say take time to be alone. Get your head screwed on straight before you try to see anyone. It won't be fair to you or them. But I'm just looking to get some confidence back, you know. Trying to lay some groundwork. I think going to coffee and such is safe enough, especially if you lay it on the table right off the bat that you're just looking for someone to go on some dates with, have fun, but nothing serious. If their game, then see where it goes. If they are not, then its off. No harm, no foul.


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## proudwidaddy

Nice & SRN,
I think sometimes the whole take a year off of dating is because you need to find yourself again. I know that I was never a needy person for the majority of my marriage, but the last six months of my marriage I became codependent on my wife. I still feel a little needy right now. I know that right now if I were to meet a woman, I would be so needy. I need to be able to get past that, and I think that is where the cooling off time comes from, to actually get to know yourself again.

I remember having an argument with my wife when she said she wanted a divorce, she said get to know yourself. I was so mad because I said I did know myself.

I've found out over the last 4 1/2 months that I am discovering things about myself that I didn't think was possible.


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## nice777guy

Rough and weird freaking week here.

Divorce final nearly 3 months - Ex moved out about 6 months ago - marriage was over about 9 months ago...

And I don't feel like I'm making any ****ing progress towards figuring out who I want to be


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## WomanScorned

nice777guy said:


> And I don't feel like I'm making any ****ing progress towards figuring out who I want to be



AMEN! I feel that way a lot. I guess it just takes time and some work. I just hardly have any time to explore with work and kids.


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## nice777guy

WomanScorned said:


> AMEN! I feel that way a lot. I guess it just takes time and some work. I just hardly have any time to explore with work and kids.


On many days - with kids and work - I really don't feel like I have too many choices.


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## MEM2020

NG,
One night stands strike me as the opposite of your thing. 

Gentle suggestion. Sign up on eharmony or match or whatever. The reasons I think that is a good starting point are:
- Your profile itself will be appealing and HWOPs will respond positively to it. I say HWOPs (humans without penises), because you are going to need to get used to Acro-speak. 
- Your written interactions will of course continue to be appealing to all humans, cleft and crowned as the Brits used to obliquely refere to females and males. 
- You are the only other person I have ever encountered, as funny as me. The only one. Women love a funny guy. 
- You play the guitar

As Yoda would say: Very popular will you be

This is a way to put your toe in the water and begin to touch people who might eventually end up being more than "words on a screen".





nice777guy said:


> So - are people telling you to just pick up someone for the night - or to get out and meet people?
> 
> After 17 years of marriage - must admit - I'm a little gunshy about the "just for the night" business.


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## MEM2020

*Your eHarmony profile*

From the movie Mrs. Doubtfire, when Robin Williams is mocking his ex wife and suggests she place a singles classified ad. 

DWF seeks WWM with BMW into light B&D? 

WWM = wealthy white male

We can do way better than this for you NG





nice777guy said:


> THAT'S part of what I'm afraid of!!!


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## nice777guy

Thanks MEM.

So far the psychotic ones seem to think I'm fascinating!!! Or maybe I've been looking in the wrong places...

And yes - as great as a ONS or FWB sounds - I'm just not wired that way.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I'm glad my guy didn't go out and have casual sex with anyone. He isn't that kind of guy and so didn't do that. I remember talking to him last summer when we were out back of the dance studio having an ice cream 'date' between classes, and I asked him point blank what it was like in the single world with regards to sex. He said there wasn't any of that happening, he wasn't into what was available. He would have dates but social dates, he wasn't interested in being involved with anyone (what he meant, I later found out, was that he was in love with me and intended to wait for me while I found my way clear out of an abusive marriage, at that point my husband was still deployed so I couldn't file or anything, was just meandering my way through the end of a relationship, was on the same 'take care of myself' plan as my guy was at that time...) actually by my question I was feeling him out, I wasn't into casual sex and wanted to see if he was or not. Answer was not. Ding Ding Ding winner! 

After his brain hemorrhage and the ambulance took him away (ten days after we finally became intimate after I finally filed for divorce knowing my marriage was most definitely not a two person enterprise) I found in his coat pocket and in his gym bag toiletry kit brand new condoms he had bought and stashed around waiting and hoping for me, lol, we ended up not using them because he had a vasectomy and I completely trust him that he was clean, had not had sex since his marriage two years ago, we had apparently been fantasizing and ummmm self-satisfying ourselves with thoughts of each other (and he admitted to porn, a bit sheepishly...) 

While he's laid up recuperating and rehabbing I will go back to that only now I have actual experience to stoke my fire with. Ironically he has forgotten details of our being together but says it sounds like fun and we'll have to do that again. I am pretty sure he's not having sex in rehab, and I know I'm not. It is what it is. People are sexual beings, but if your feelings of fulfilment are tied to emotionally intimacy you absolutely have to respect that and don't think it's strange. Not everybody wants to hook up. God knows I've been propositioned and could, but I even tell my guy friends that I might be attracted to and vulnerable to, I have not called you recently because I've been lonely and feeling vulnerable, I will call/communicate when I can share positive space with you safely, my loneliness is something that belongs to me only.

You should encourage your fantasies and dreams. Get out and take care of yourself. I took myself to dance classes, to the movies, to the Y for yoga, archery, rock climbing, I write and will go to meetups for writing... Your fantasies and dreams will fuel your reality, look where mine brought me, follow your heart and your intuition, you will only find fulfilment, truly, along that path and no other. It's not right to shoot and arrow willy nilly and to drag yourseld body and spirit to where it falls. You have to be centered and make sure of your aim, and follow only that.


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## Deejo

nice777guy said:


> And I don't feel like I'm making any ****ing progress towards figuring out who I want to be


'Splain please ...

I don't think you need to figure out who you want to be. I think you just need to get comfortable with who you are. 

I didn't really change much at all. But I did change the way I think about, and respond to certain circumstances.

It's human nature. After going through a traumatic event, or being hurt, your body and mind look for ways to avoid or cope with that trauma and pain in the future. By virtue of the fact that you have not thrown yourself at the first opportunity to be involved with a woman .... I'd say you're doing just fine.

My very good friend is convinced that I have become a non-commital serial dater as a self-preservation mechanism. I responded, 
"You know, that's interesting. Might be true. But I'm not worried about it."

I appreciated the input and their concern ... but it just isn't something I'm going to ruminate over. 

I'm convinced that a very big key to the whole 'journey of self-discovery' is simply not worrying about it - and not worrying in general.


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## nice777guy

I haven't been working out, playing music, haven't started painting and re-doing the house. And on down the line.

A lot of days I feel like I'm just getting by.


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## MEM2020

NG,
Depression is a mild paralytic, and paralysis is a strong depressant. 




nice777guy said:


> I haven't been working out, playing music, haven't started painting and re-doing the house. And on down the line.
> 
> A lot of days I feel like I'm just getting by.


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## bandit.45

Nice you gotta take care of yourself. You have to force yourself to exercise and stay active. I'm in the same boat as you and I'm pretty sure I have slipped into full blown depression. But I make myself get to the gym and walk my dogs because I have to survive this. 

I refuse to let my STBXW control any more of my life. Take the control back from your ex. Get up and do something, especially when you don't want to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo

nice777guy said:


> I haven't been working out, playing music, haven't started painting and re-doing the house. And on down the line.



Don't set yourself up by building a list that you CAN'T get done regularly, and then beat yourself up over it.

Pick one. One you feel good about. Not one that you think will make you feel good.

And if you feel like you're slipping, see someone. Whatever came of your thyroid and testosterone tests?


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## nice777guy

Deejo said:


> Don't set yourself up by building a list that you CAN'T get done regularly, and then beat yourself up over it.
> 
> Pick one. One you feel good about. Not one that you think will make you feel good.
> 
> And if you feel like you're slipping, see someone. Whatever came of your thyroid and testosterone tests?


Medically - nothing really jumps out. I'm on a low dose of thyroid meds - but so are a lot of people. Testosterone was ok when originally tested. 

Have my annual physical later this year. Will bring up my issues again.

Even tonight - got some things done around the house - but it's still kind of a mess.


----------



## Deejo

Blame the kids ... that's what works for me.


----------



## heartsbeating

Ya know what? I think cut yourself some slack NG. Maybe accept that you are who you are right now. It's highly unlikely you'll stay this way (not playing guitar etc), but maybe it's fine for right now. Maybe this is who you need to be right now. Sometimes getting by is good enough. The house might still be kind of a mess but you got *some* things done. That's good  

You'll get your groove back when the time is right. Don't worry about it. Just keep on keeping on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## heartsbeating

And I realized you wrote playing music..have I read somewhere here that you play guitar or was I dreaming that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## heartsbeating

Not to imply I've dreamt of you, it's just what I say as a saying "or did I dream that?" Hello, welcome to my awkward moment 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## nice777guy

heartsbeating said:


> Not to imply I've dreamt of you, it's just what I say as a saying "or did I dream that?" Hello, welcome to my awkward moment
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Lol!!!

Yes - I have three guitars right now that are "mostly" collecting dust at the moment.

Last night - got home around 6:30 - my Ex wanted to talk for a bit about her GMs health. And I care about my Ex and love her GM very much.

Then - around 7:00 I noticed that I'd missed a "late" call from work. So - picked up the other kid from Girlscouts and "quickly" ran back into work, both kids in tow. The "emergency" took about an hour to address. Kids didn't get showers and were late to bed.

Then I went to put some clothes in the Dryer - but nothing happened when I pushed the button. Could be a fuse.

Not every night is like that - but things sure do feel a bit insane at times...


----------



## heartsbeating

Those kind of nights happen. Is it plausible that it might feel heightened to you right now? 
Here's what I took from your post: you care about your family, even if they relate to your ex. You took time to listen. Props for compassion. You made sure your kid was picked up (listen, I can barely look after my potted plants), and you saw to your job/responsibilities. The damn dryer needs fixing. The kids will be fine with one night of late sleep won't they? ( read previous comment about potted plants). 

Three guitars, eh? Nice. 

Seriously, just keep on keeping on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## heartsbeating

GM - grandmother?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## nice777guy

heartsbeating said:


> Those kind of nights happen. Is it plausible that it might feel heightened to you right now?
> Here's what I took from your post: you care about your family, even if they relate to your ex. You took time to listen. Props for compassion. You made sure your kid was picked up (listen, I can barely look after my potted plants), and you saw to your job/responsibilities. The damn dryer needs fixing. The kids will be fine with one night of late sleep won't they? ( read previous comment about potted plants).
> 
> Three guitars, eh? Nice.
> 
> Seriously, just keep on keeping on.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not like I have much of a choice. But to keep on - keeping on.

And yes - its all heightened right now.


----------



## nice777guy

heartsbeating said:


> GM - grandmother?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes.

I don't have much family, so over the last 17 years I became very close with my Ex's family. So far they don't treat me any different - and so far - I'm still invited to "family" dinners. Feels great - except for my Ex being there.

And I do have compassion for my Ex when it comes to certain things. Although I don't have much patience. I can feel myself start to get "antsy" after being around her for some length of time.


----------



## heartsbeating

The only reason I asked if things might feel heightened right now, was to try to convey (perhaps poorly), that based on what you have written, you sound more together than you probably feel. 

Sounds to me you're actually doing pretty damn good, dryer aside.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## nice777guy

heartsbeating said:


> The only reason I asked if things might feel heightened right now, was to try to convey (perhaps poorly), that based on what you have written, you sound more together than you probably feel.
> 
> Sounds to me you're actually doing pretty damn good, dryer aside.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So - the BIG question - do I order a $15 fuse for a 17 year old dryer and try to fix it myself? Call a repairman and likely get charged $100 or so? OR spend $500 for a new one...???


----------



## heartsbeating

Depends on your finances, and how long it's likely to last if repaired.

And is it easy enough for you to try to repair yourself? I'm hopeless with the handy-stuff ...I heavily lean towards frugal though, so my vote would be if it's fairly easy for you to try to fix for $15, do it. If it's going to take up a lot of time and enegy, then $100 option - so long as it's likely to last a good while. Otherwise new dryer option. 

What will it be?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shooboomafoo

Hey Niceguy!
Probably some redundant checks but:
check your fusebox, did a breaker trip?
check any GFCI's that may have tripped.
Ive got a dryer brand new for 299.00 basic model and works great. But the heating element has a trip on it that if the exhaust tube or vent gets too clogged it trips off the heating element and the laundry just tumbles around.

If a fuse is accessible on the machine, and you see its fouled, that'd be my first try.


----------



## nice777guy

Shooboomafoo said:


> Hey Niceguy!
> Probably some redundant checks but:
> check your fusebox, did a breaker trip?
> check any GFCI's that may have tripped.
> Ive got a dryer brand new for 299.00 basic model and works great. But the heating element has a trip on it that if the exhaust tube or vent gets too clogged it trips off the heating element and the laundry just tumbles around.
> 
> If a fuse is accessible on the machine, and you see its fouled, that'd be my first try.


Checked the breakers - no issues there.

Fuse is on the back...probably behind a panel - and of course backed up against a wall!


----------



## nice777guy

Shooboomafoo said:


> If a fuse is accessible on the machine, and you see its fouled, that'd be my first try.


So - if I get to the fuse - will I be able to SEE that its been tripped or whatever?

And - would I have to order online through Sears - or could I take the fuse to Home Depot or Lowe's and look for a match???

I just don't want to wait a week for the "part" and then spend four hours working on something that I don't know for sure is the problem...


----------



## nice777guy

Aha!!!

Duct Tape!!!

Apparently you can temporarily bypass this fuse using duct tape or electrical tape. If the dryer runs, I've found my problem!

Now if I can just figure out all of this other crap!!!

Maybe I should have tried using Duct Tape on my Ex...


----------



## Shooboomafoo

nice777guy said:


> So - if I get to the fuse - will I be able to SEE that its been tripped or whatever?
> 
> --Depends on the fuse type. If its one of the huge copper cased fuses it could be tested at Lowes or HD. You mentioned the dryer being around 17yrs old, so Im trying to think what was commonly used back then. Im sure you could tell with the smaller glass fuses whether or not the element is burnt out.
> 
> And - would I have to order online through Sears - or could I take the fuse to Home Depot or Lowe's and look for a match???
> 
> Should be able to find a match, if not at HD or Lowes, maybe a Radio Shack or similar.
> 
> I just don't want to wait a week for the "part" and then spend four hours working on something that I don't know for sure is the problem...


---I get ya there. 
When my furnace quick working, I went online and searched by model number to find a lot of information about it. Many times it was in forums where people post questions, and problems they are having with their machines.
Its where I found out about mine, how the mfr was involved in a class action lawsuit, and went belly up, but I did find information on replacement parts, common issues with helpful instructions... I was able to install a replacement/upgrade control board inside the furnace and bring it back to life. 
Still cheaper than a tech coming out. 

Perhaps searching for some forums or discussions going by your model number and mfr might lead you to some good information.


----------



## heartsbeating

Soooo...how's the dryer situation looking?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## nice777guy

heartsbeating said:


> Soooo...how's the dryer situation looking?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Lol!

Bought the fuse today but got home late. Didn't want to start messing with it and get aggravated! 

Thanks for asking!


----------



## heartsbeating

Alright..! You're one step closer to having it fixed.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## nice777guy

Yes - suppose so.

Got it pulled out from the wall and realized that my Ex had the socket wrenches (?) I needed to take the back off. So - I went out - bought new ones - and then went out for a few beers and some wings!!!

The joys of divorce!!!


----------



## Shooboomafoo

It'd be a good time to get your vaccuum out and since your pulling panels off, to give it a good going over. Do the vent tube, etc. 
I hope this goes well for you. I remember laying out in an inch of water trying to replace a transmission mount by flashlight becuase I had to go to work the next day. It was raining and about 40F outside and dark, in the parking lot of an apartment complex.


----------



## nice777guy

Woo hoo!

Not that I'm going to DO any laundry tonight - but if I did - I could dry it!!!

Going out for champagne and strippers!!!

Or - beer and a frozen pizza!


----------



## angelpixie

Good for you, Nice! :smthumbup: :toast:


----------



## nice777guy

I've been working a lot of extra hours lately. Been getting by with a combo of leaving the kids at home alone for short spurts, bringing them in with me, and asking the Ex to watch them.

Which lead to me getting a "lecture" about my work hours - and how her time is no less important than mine.

But now I think she's kind of eating crow a bit - either that or I'm thinking too hard. School event last night - several times mentioned having to take "Immodium" - not feeling well - cancelled an appointment today, etc., etc.

Not sure if I'm supposed to take her "hints" and offer to grab the kids - but after her discussion about how important our schedule is, I'm sure not ready to volunteer to help her out anytime soon.

For those of you out there still in Limbo - have it put in the Divorce decree that your spouse is not to describe nor complain to you about their bowel movements...


----------



## angelpixie

nice777guy said:


> I've been working a lot of extra hours lately. Been getting by with a combo of leaving the kids at home alone for short spurts, bringing them in with me, and asking the Ex to watch them.
> 
> Which lead to me getting a "lecture" about my work hours - and how her time is no less important than mine.
> 
> But now I think she's kind of eating crow a bit - either that or I'm thinking too hard. School event last night - several times mentioned having to take "Immodium" - not feeling well - cancelled an appointment today, etc., etc.
> 
> Not sure if I'm supposed to take her "hints" and offer to grab the kids - but after her discussion about how important our schedule is, I'm sure not ready to volunteer to help her out anytime soon.
> 
> For those of you out there still in Limbo - have it put in the Divorce decree that your spouse is not to describe nor complain to you about their bowel movements...


I'll make a note of that one... Make sure you don't catch anything from her if she's got a bug of some kind!


----------



## nice777guy

angelpixie said:


> I'll make a note of that one... Make sure you don't catch anything from her if she's got a bug of some kind!


Not an issue - don't plan on going anywhere near her.

Must admit, earlier, was very frustrated. Now - feeling a bit down about the fact that we used to be able to depend on one another. Now - we have to negotiate via text if we need help (regarding the kids).


----------



## angelpixie

I know. It's something STBXH and I do every day, too. Since I really want to see DS everyday, it's a necessary evil now. It used to just be part of being a family.


----------



## nice777guy

angelpixie said:


> I know. It's something STBXH and I do every day, too. Since I really want to see DS everyday, it's a necessary evil now. It used to just be part of being a family.


Sucks...


----------



## nice777guy

And NOW - the lawnmower (3 years old?) is leaking gasoline.

From what I can tell - I need to check the carb-abobulator or something...

I just want to be on a beach with a Margarita - and let the kids and the ex and the boss figure things out on their own for about a week...


----------



## angelpixie

Get an old reel mower. Found one at the thrift store and it's been my saving grace. No engine. No need for gas or oil. I could never pull the starter cord all the way, either, dang it...
And it's good exercise! :smthumbup:

Funny tidbit: STBXH has left the door on the shed open continually all winter. I kept re-locking it when I'd go over there, but he'd always leave it open. This past week, he asked if I had his lawnmower (we had a reel mower that I bought when we first bought the house but he's too wimpy to use, and then his power push mower) -- I knew where this was going. Sure enough. Looks like the mower(S) were stolen over the winter. Hmmm... I guess he'll be using the electric string weed trimmer to do the yard now, cuz I'm not lending him MY mower, LOL. :FIREdevil:


----------



## nice777guy

angelpixie said:


> Get an old reel mower. Found one at the thrift store and it's been my saving grace. No engine. No need for gas or oil. I could never pull the starter cord all the way, either, dang it...
> And it's good exercise! :smthumbup:
> 
> Funny tidbit: STBXH has left the door on the shed open continually all winter. I kept re-locking it when I'd go over there, but he'd always leave it open. This past week, he asked if I had his lawnmower (we had a reel mower that I bought when we first bought the house but he's too wimpy to use, and then his power push mower) -- I knew where this was going. Sure enough. Looks like the mower(S) were stolen over the winter. Hmmm... I guess he'll be using the electric string weed trimmer to do the yard now, cuz I'm not lending him MY mower, LOL. :FIREdevil:


First of all - good for you!

Second - no way I'm ditching my 3 year old mower over a gas leak!!!!!

I FIX things now!!!

Something floating and too many carbs or something...


----------



## angelpixie

nice777guy said:


> I FIX things now!!!
> 
> Something floating and too many carbs or something...


:scratchhead: 

:rofl:


----------



## nice777guy

Hey - I fixed my dryer...


----------



## angelpixie

nice777guy said:


> Hey - I fixed my dryer...


Yes, you did! You're on a roll for sure. You'll do fine -- just ribbin' you a little. Still friends?


----------



## nice777guy

angelpixie said:


> Yes, you did! You're on a roll for sure. You'll do fine -- just ribbin' you a little. Still friends?


Of course...


----------



## nice777guy

Since this was started by "me" as "my" rant thread, let me add "puking kid at 4am" to the mix!

Amazing - two kids - born of the same DNA. The older one can't hit a trash can or toilet to save her life. The younger one rarely misses...

Just sayin...


----------



## angelpixie

Oh, Nice, I'm sorry. What a way to start the week! I hope your little one feels better soon.


----------



## notreadytoquit

I was sick all weekend and also had a puking kid all day yesterday. It pisses me off that me ex only sees the child once a month for barely a day and a half and never has to deal with any of this. My ex MIL even cooks the food for son. The child is more like entertaiment to him.


----------



## Deejo

notreadytoquit said:


> I was sick all weekend and also had a puking kid all day yesterday. It pisses me off that me ex only sees the child once a month for barely a day and a half and never has to deal with any of this. My ex MIL even cooks the food for son. The child is more like entertaiment to him.


Funny what you remember, or what someone says that triggers a memory. I remember vividly my then 4 year old vomiting all over my bed, me, and her sleeping brother in my 600 sq ft apartment. Both kids were in bed with me, the boy never even woke up while I peeled the puke pajamas off him.

It stunk. Like rotting goat carcass in the sun for 3 days, kind of stink. Seriously tested my constitution, because I had no place to put the barf bedding. No basement. Laundry wasn't available at 2 am. So I threw it in the tub with some soap and hosed it with the shower head. Apparently 4 year olds can projectile vomit over 40% of their own weight by volume in a singular horrifying event.


----------



## nice777guy

And the hits keep coming!

Lawnmower leaking gas - kid leaking something that looked like oil (carpet finally clean) - thermostat wigged out on me (replaced) - and now the garbage disposal is leaking.

I need a sexy French maid...


----------



## angelpixie

STBXH has a 'close' friend that's blond & French. I'll send her over.


----------



## nice777guy

angelpixie said:


> STBXH has a 'close' friend that's blond & French. I'll send her over.


That's fine...I'll manage!


----------



## angelpixie

Thanks a lot...
(grumble, grumble, Gee, you try to help a guy -- and yourself -- out, and grumble, grumble, no appreciation, grumble, grumble...)


----------



## nice777guy

angelpixie said:


> Thanks a lot...
> (grumble, grumble, Gee, you try to help a guy -- and yourself -- out, and grumble, grumble, no appreciation, grumble, grumble...)


I just assume when someone mentions their (STB)X and a blonde French girl - its probably not a pleasant story!!!

From what I gather on "google" - its time to get a new disposal.


----------



## Shoeguy

Wow what a week you are having.

Keep your chin up.


----------



## nice777guy

Old disposal - removed!!! Will install new one tomorrow night when I don't have the kiddos.

Looks like a fairly easy job - as long as I have some patience and don't try rushing!!!

My Ex would always call her Dad or Brother almost immediately when things like this broke. Not that I'm complaining - they've fixed a lot of things around my house over the years. But I'm definitely learning a lot more by doing it myself.

So one day - when my either of my D's disposals need to be replaced - Dad can come to the rescue!!!


----------



## nice777guy

notreadytoquit said:


> I was sick all weekend and also had a puking kid all day yesterday. It pisses me off that me ex only sees the child once a month for barely a day and a half and never has to deal with any of this. My ex MIL even cooks the food for son. The child is more like entertaiment to him.


Wish I knew what to say to this.

Hopefully - if you are getting your share of the troubles now, you'll get more of the good times later on. You'll be the one he wants to visit on college breaks - the one he calls when he meets that "special girl" - and the first one he calls when he finds out he's going to be a Dad.

Plus, would you really just want to be the part-time parent who sends a check and a card now and then?

Can't see you doing that...


----------



## angelpixie

nice777guy said:


> Old disposal - removed!!! Will install new one tomorrow night when I don't have the kiddos.
> 
> Looks like a fairly easy job - as long as I have some patience and don't try rushing!!!
> 
> My Ex would always call her Dad or Brother almost immediately when things like this broke. Not that I'm complaining - they've fixed a lot of things around my house over the years. But I'm definitely learning a lot more by doing it myself.
> 
> So one day - when my either of my D's disposals need to be replaced - Dad can come to the rescue!!!


That's a great attitude, Nice!


----------



## nice777guy

I have my moments!!!


----------



## Shoeguy

Nice,

I replaced a disposal once and my only tip is make sure you pop out the plate that is by/in the drainage hose. not sure if they all have one but mine did.

I forgot and had to disconnect and put it on twice. ugh..learning sometimes sucks. lol


----------



## nice777guy

Shoeguy said:


> Nice,
> 
> I replaced a disposal once and my only tip is make sure you pop out the plate that is by/in the drainage hose. not sure if they all have one but mine did.
> 
> I forgot and had to disconnect and put it on twice. ugh..learning sometimes sucks. lol


Gotcha on the DW drain hose! Think I have to knock something out of a hole on the new one...


----------



## Shoeguy

something like that. I had to use a screw driver and hammer to pop the plate/plug out.


----------



## nice777guy

DONE!!! New disposal is up and not leaking!!!

Have yet to put any actual garbage in it. 

Its just too pretty to mess up right now!!!


----------



## angelpixie




----------



## nice777guy

Thank you!!!

(small leak...will fix tomorrow...!!!)


----------



## heartsbeating

nice777guy said:


> Thank you!!!
> 
> (small leak...will fix tomorrow...!!!)


Look at you go!!

Keep it up ....:smthumbup:


----------



## heartsbeating

angelpixie said:


>


hahaha I love seeing you post this gif.


----------



## nice777guy

Leak appears to be fixed.

Haven't touched my mower all week.

My Ex continues to "amaze" me with wild and unpredictable mood swings. Mostly related to her relationship with and treatment of our oldest (12 years old) daughter.

We never get complaints about her at school, no complaints from the grandparents, never had a friend's parent say a bad word...etc,etc...

But to hear my Ex talk, this kid is just totally out of control.

Because...

She listens to loud music
Smarts off to her parents sometimes
Picks on her little sister
Doesn't like to do chores
...

And - I kid you not - somehow this list is going to bite "ME" in the butt one day via an early pregnancy!!!

Oldest D had her first school dance last week - and had a fantastic time - spending most of her night hiding from a boy!

Before the dance, she and my Ex were arguing over bras and shoes - just a ridiculous amount of drama and tension. I don't even think Ex told us goodbye when I left to drop D off at school.

And after the dance - neither one called the other for two days. Even as the Dad, I couldn't wait to pick her up afterwards and hear how things went.

I don't get it. Makes me sad that my girls don't have that classic Mother figure - who knows how important it is to enjoy these moments...


----------



## angelpixie

Oh boy, Nice, does that bring back memories -- right down to the pregnancy predictions! There's one big difference in this case, though -- YOU!! Your emotional support of and respect for your daughter is so important to helping her feel good about herself. Her mom doesn't realize that all of the negativity is actually pushing her daughter away, and making it MORE likely that she'll go look for 'love' elsewhere...where she could possibly end up pregnant (not likely, I know). But it's so hard to understand why parents who are like that can't see how they're bringing about the very problems they're afraid of!

I know it's really frustrating for you, but keep hanging in there for your daughters' sakes. They'll really appreciate you for it someday, even if not right now. It's so great that your daughter only has to deal with one crazy parent.


----------



## heartsbeating

nice777guy said:


> She listens to loud music
> Smarts off to her parents sometimes
> Picks on her little sister
> Doesn't like to do chores
> ...


Sounds like a normal teenager to me.

Just keep doing what you do. Be there for your family the best way you know how.


----------



## heartsbeating

nice777guy said:


> Before the dance, she and my Ex were arguing over bras and shoes - just a ridiculous amount of drama and tension. I don't even think Ex told us goodbye when I left to drop D off at school.


Might not be the most mature way of handling things (your wife), but at 12, I had moments like this too. I wanted to wear my skirt short like the other girls, but mine wouldn't let me. We argued about that. "I look like a square!" haha. She told me it was better to be a square at that age. I understand her perspective now though. A group of girls were going into the city. Mine wouldn't let me. We argued about that too. I'm not a parent but I remember being 12 and trying to push boundaries and not understand 'what the big deal' was when she enforced things I disagreed on. I guess I just assumed it went with the territory of being a teen.

I think mine was a great mom though. She had her issues too but for the most part, I think I turned out alright. And that's actually thanks to her in many ways. 

I also agree with Angel. If you can remain the 'rock' for your daughter - not necessarily choosing sides - but as someone who she can rely upon to talk about anything, you'll be taking a lot of stress off her and you'll be able to help guide her through the next few years. When boundaries get tested more and more and she figures out who she is.


----------



## Deejo

nice777guy said:


> My Ex continues to "amaze" me with wild and unpredictable mood swings. Mostly related to her relationship with and treatment of our oldest (12 years old) daughter.
> 
> We never get complaints about her at school, no complaints from the grandparents, never had a friend's parent say a bad word...etc,etc...
> 
> But to hear my Ex talk, this kid is just totally out of control.
> 
> 
> I don't get it. Makes me sad that my girls don't have that classic Mother figure - who knows how important it is to enjoy these moments...


Every once in a while, I'd like to see some posts by your alter ego, Mean666Guy.

When the ex starts going off on one of her tangents ... fully expecting you to acknowledge or validate her mild insanity ... you need to remind her that she's insane.

Trust me. It feels good.

I have a great relationship with my ex. A very distinct reason for that is because I seldom behave like the husband she remembers.

You should curiously point out that she is the only one that seems to have all of these issues with your daughter and wonder why exactly that is ... "Can't imagine why that is with you as a role model. Maybe things will improve when the two of you can go get tattoos together?"

You need to visit the dark side occasionally. :FIREdevil:


----------



## angelpixie

^^ Seriously need a 'Love' button for this post! ^^


----------



## nice777guy

Deejo said:


> Every once in a while, I'd like to see some posts by your alter ego, Mean666Guy.
> 
> When the ex starts going off on one of her tangents ... fully expecting you to acknowledge or validate her mild insanity ... you need to remind her that she's insane.
> 
> Trust me. It feels good.
> 
> I have a great relationship with my ex. A very distinct reason for that is because I seldom behave like the husband she remembers.
> 
> You should curiously point out that she is the only one that seems to have all of these issues with your daughter and wonder why exactly that is ... "Can't imagine why that is with you as a role model. Maybe things will improve when the two of you can go get tattoos together?"
> 
> You need to visit the dark side occasionally. :FIREdevil:


Communicating with her is often very difficult (understatement). She may be the one person on the planet with who I am no longer my normal sarcastic (and witty) self. 

When we interact, I want to give info, get info, and get out.

So - whether she's flirting with me, or trying to push my buttons - I just do my best to keep the conversation as even keeled as possible.


----------



## Deejo

Believe me, I understand. I really do.

I don't go negative unless or until the ex seriously breaches my boundaries. And I let her know it with measured, but extreme prejudice. It's rare.

I still believe that you and I function under many of the same premises. I need my ex to ok, because I need my kids to be ok. 

There was a point in time that I would unconsciously seek her out for communication to cover some subject involving the kids, the house, or the divorce, that I knew she was simply going to ignore. I still felt compelled to influence, control, or prevent her or her circumstances from imploding ... I don't have that anymore. 

Don't mean to put you on the spot ... well ... sure I do; do you feel like you have resolved your feelings for her as a spouse?

There is a difference between acknowledging and accepting that the marriage is over, and the feelings being over as well. I'm not trying to be insightful here; I'm talking from experience.


----------



## nice777guy

Deejo said:


> Believe me, I understand. I really do.
> 
> I don't go negative unless or until the ex seriously breaches my boundaries. And I let her know it with measured, but extreme prejudice. It's rare.
> 
> I still believe that you and I function under many of the same premises. I need my ex to ok, because I need my kids to be ok.
> 
> There was a point in time that I would unconsciously seek her out for communication to cover some subject involving the kids, the house, or the divorce, that I knew she was simply going to ignore. I still felt compelled to influence, control, or prevent her or her circumstances from imploding ... I don't have that anymore.
> 
> Don't mean to put you on the spot ... well ... sure I do; do you feel like you have resolved your feelings for her as a spouse?
> 
> There is a difference between acknowledging and accepting that the marriage is over, and the feelings being over as well. I'm not trying to be insightful here; I'm talking from experience.


As a spouse, I truly think I'm done. Although I think I'm still in mourning for the marriage itself and much of what I thought it meant.

And I think I'm still struggling to figure out what being single is going to mean for me - if that makes sense.

I just find it difficult to "co-parent" with someone that I don't communicate with very often.

My understanding and the way I operate is that if the kids are with her - I leave the parenting business up to her. And sadly that means that they will have to find ways to cope with their Mother without my direct help or involvement.

One of the reasons I held on to the marriage was that I knew I'd lose at least some influence over her behavior, and also some of my ability to protect the kids from her "personality."

Unless she's abusive or neglectful - I'm not real sure what boundaries I can actually set and reinforce at this point.


----------



## Deejo

The kids will adjust. I suppose the difference in our circumstances is that ex and I do trust one another when it comes to parenting. 

I absolutely believe that she has the kids best interest in mind, but there are things that I also think she stinks at ... but can do nothing about, and I have come to accept that.

When I'm referring to boundaries, I meant my own personal boundaries. She (very rarely now) would defer to the dynamic we had in the marriage; that she intrinsicly knows best, or use shaming, or presume that I couldn't possibly know something, or the old, "I'm right, therefore you're wrong ..." chesnut.


----------



## nice777guy

Deejo said:


> The kids will adjust. I suppose the difference in our circumstances is that ex and I do trust one another when it comes to parenting.
> 
> I absolutely believe that she has the kids best interest in mind, but there are things that I also think she stinks at ... but can do nothing about, and I have come to accept that.
> 
> When I'm referring to boundaries, I meant my own personal boundaries. She (very rarely now) would defer to the dynamic we had in the marriage; that she intrinsicly knows best, or use shaming, or presume that I couldn't possibly know something, or the old, "I'm right, therefore you're wrong ..." chesnut.


As long as she and I are connected via the kids, she will continue to try pushing my buttons. What works best for me is to just let it slide off my back...

And no - I don't think my Ex always has the kids best interests in mind. She's too self-involved.


----------



## Deejo

Guess all I'm saying is that sometimes it's ok to smile and push a few of her buttons in return.

If you mean what 'works best for you' is tolerating her crap to remove her from the space as soon as possible, and you're ok with that, then so be it.

But ... what do you have to lose? In fact, your ex-wife is the perfect lab-rat to test button pushing and lighting her up. 

C'mon, wouldn't it be wonderful if just a FEW times, she actually dreaded having to interact with you because she knows it will be 'unpleasant'?


----------



## nice777guy

I'm not so sure she doesn't enjoy a bit of drama.

And while I might be trying to pretend to be a bit unstable - she's got at least a little bit of the real thing going on inside of her.

It's not that I keep all of my opinions to myself either. I just let more things go.

She'd probably think I was flirting anyway...


----------



## Deejo

nice777guy said:


> She'd probably think I was flirting anyway...


That made me LOL :rofl:


----------



## angelpixie

I just have to interject that my mind automatically plays this exchange between the two of you in the voices of your avatars. That is pret-ty trippy. :crazy:


----------



## nice777guy

angelpixie said:


> I just have to interject that my mind automatically plays this exchange between the two of you in the voices of your avatars. That is pret-ty trippy. :crazy:


At least I'm wearing pants...punk...


----------



## nice777guy

Deejo said:


> That made me LOL :rofl:


You laugh because because you understand!!!

This morning we both attended my Oldest Daughter's graduation from 6th grade. My "Ex" slipped back into her old habit of basically snapping at me to take pictures. They were good photo opps - but after the 2nd or third "Hey Niceguy! Camera!" - I kindly asked her to stop barking at me and use some manners. Her initial reaction was kind of $hitty - accused me of starting a fight at our daughter's graduation - but I kept my cool and her manners suddenly showed up a few minutes later.

In addition - I got a nice phone call 30 minutes later - apologizing again - saying she was just "emotional." THEN around lunchtime, someone sent me a copy of a nice post that my Ex put on Facebook about how proud she was of our daughter and how blessed she is to have such a great "Ex Husband / Co-Parenting partner." How sweet! 

But even with the nice apology and the FB stuff - it still feels like too much drama.


----------



## angelpixie

Sounds like she needs some serious re-training on how to deal with her 'emotions'.  You don't need the ups & downs with your stress level. 

I hope you had a nice time with your daughter in spite of your ex.


----------



## nice777guy

angelpixie said:


> Sounds like she needs some serious re-training on how to deal with her 'emotions'.  You don't need the ups & downs with your stress level.
> 
> I hope you had a nice time with your daughter in spite of your ex.


Had a very nice time!!! Very proud of both of my kids!!!


----------



## nice777guy

Wish I had the time and patience to write about my Ex and her disabled handyman - and how this guy has given my oldest daughter even more reason to not like her Mom. Just too many moving parts...


----------



## angelpixie

nice777guy said:


> Wish I had the time and patience to write about my Ex and her disabled handyman - and how this guy has given my oldest daughter even more reason to not like her Mom. Just too many moving parts...


Ohhh, boy. She is a drama-loving drama queen, isn't she?


----------



## nice777guy

I just can't even find the words...

Of course, my D still acts like a 12 year old sometimes - because she IS one!

Not sure what my Ex's excuse is.


----------



## nice777guy

So frustrated right now.

Kids telling me today about Mom "needing to get out of the house" sometime recently - or how her trips to the grocery take 2 hours while mine only take one. And how sometimes when she leaves she doesnt answer her phone.

BUT - I'm stuck working 60 hour weeks - so WTF can I do about it anyway?!?

I've been leaving them at home some days for 3 hour stretches while I go into work. BUT - they know where I am and how to get ahold of me.

Tomorrow is our first day of summer - which means me dropping them off at the Ex's house on my way to work. Then tonight she texts asking if - instead of waking them up if they could just wait and call her when they wake. Which to ME says "I'm 'out' somewhere tonight and don't really want to rush to get home by 7:30" - in addition to seeming like another way to minimize the amount of time that she has to spend with them!

I work too hard - my boss doesnt seem real patient with flexible situations. I could never handle all of the Doctor appointments and school events - and manage to keep my job.

She's just a really ****ing ****ty mom!!!

Literally - I am so tired and exhausted from the drama. Thought it would get better - but it's not...


----------



## angelpixie

I'm sorry, Nice. You do sound really stressed. I'm not sure it does get 'better' -- maybe it just doesn't bother us as much, or we find different ways to deal with what isn't our choice...or something. I feel bad for your kids, too. She is a crappy mom. What kind of mom leaves and doesn't answer her phone?! 

Hang in there, sweetie. ((Hugs)) Just keep venting. You know we care.


----------



## notreadytoquit

are there any grandparents nearby that can also help with the kids so you dont depend on her all the time?


----------



## nice777guy

notreadytoquit said:


> are there any grandparents nearby that can also help with the kids so you dont depend on her all the time?


Hers only. So - I run the risk of alienating myself if I run to her parents to tell them how lousy she can be.

Oldest Daughter called her GM yesterday to talk about Mom's "friend" coming to their Memorial Day cookout. Just not sure if that will actually help anything or not.


----------



## nice777guy

Finding that I have a lot to say lately - so much on my mind that it's almost paralyzing.

Right now, really struggling with not passing my frustrations with work and The Ex onto the kids via my own bad mood.

Found another really cute girl from my high school who spends a lot of time playing games on Facebook. I recently reached out to someone similar, but to say it didnt go well would be an understatement.

Every time I think about dating I find myself quickly listing off my faults and issues - things I'm working on or would like to work on. 

Then I look at other people and think she's too young, why doesn't she have a better job, she's too good looking, she's just not my type, etc, etc...

If any of this makes sense - then you may need to have your medication dosage checked.


----------



## angelpixie

nice777guy said:


> Finding that I have a lot to say lately - so much on my mind that it's almost paralyzing.
> 
> Right now, really struggling with not passing my frustrations with work and The Ex onto the kids via my own bad mood.
> 
> Found another really cute girl from my high school who spends a lot of time playing games on Facebook. I recently reached out to someone similar, but to say it didnt go well would be an understatement.
> 
> Every time I think about dating I find myself quickly listing off my faults and issues - things I'm working on or would like to work on.
> 
> Then I look at other people and think she's too young, why doesn't she have a better job, she's too good looking, she's just not my type, etc, etc...
> 
> If any of this makes sense - then you may need to have your medication dosage checked.


Ha! I already have an appointment with my psychiatrist next week just for that purpose. 

The thought process you're going through is just par for the course, I think. We're getting back into a situation that was nerve-wracking enough when we were teenagers. Throw in a disastrous divorce and a few years under the belt, and it just makes insecurities grow -- for a while, at least. I hope it may take only a few positive experiences to make those inner voices die down a little. 

Just keep venting on here if you need to. I know you don't want it to impact your time with your girls. But the feelings have to go somewhere, right? Bandit seems to get some benefit from working out with a punching bag. Do you have anything like that?


----------



## nice777guy

Yes - I have the punching bag.

Was looking at martial arts classes again the other day - but with unpredictable overtime at work - and a 50/50 child split - it doesn't seem practical.

Took yesterday off and rode the worlds largest water coaster with my oldest daughter even though it was only about 55 degrees - and went 6 rounds with three of the worlds best WOODEN coasters! No lines...but starting to feel a bit old.

Went into work this morning and became even more frustrated about job demands - and having to leave kids at home alone for several hours nearly every Saturday over the last couple of months (every other weekend.)


----------



## angelpixie

That really sucks -- any end in sight for the overtime? Or maybe can you get more time with your girls to make up for it?


----------



## Dollystanford

the thought of even attempting to jump back into the dating pond again fills me with dread - I'm just not even going to look for a while
we are here for you niceguy, talk to us we are the best!!

look at the positives within yourself - you work hard, make a decent living, are a great dad, have a lot of love to give, you have honesty and integrity. Hell dude I'd love to find a guy like that!

all of us have insecurities and it's made worse by the fact that the person we chose to spend our life with, the person who was supposed to look past our annoying habits and faults rejected us for whatever reason. Who wouldn't be affected by that?

giving out Dolly hugs just for YOU xx


----------



## nice777guy

Thanks to you both.

Boss actually has two new people coming in over the next couple of weeks. Will help - I think.

Now - onto getting oldest daughter packed for a week at summer camp. This is one of those things the Ex used to take the lead on. So - between worrying about D being away from home - and some resentment that I have to get her packed up on my own - just another set of frustrating emotions to deal with.


----------



## angelpixie

You can do it! Not any harder than fixing the garbage disposal or the lawn mower, right?


----------



## that_girl

Don't resent ex for you being a dad  I loved summer stay-away camp as a kid  Your daughter will have a blast! My 12 year old has been gone for 2 days and will be back tomorrow (camping).

I used to have that resentment about my ex. Then I learned to not think of him at all. My mom is the only one who brings him up and I politely remind her that he doesn't exist to me. But it's a different situation, I'm sure. He calls our daughter on her phone. If he and I talk, it's 2 times a year to organize her visiting him. And it's through email. He doesn't exist to me. At all. I like it that way. Cause he's a deadbeat.


----------



## nice777guy

My Ex is still involved. Just enough to be a pain in my side.

I don't mind the packing - I'm just concerned I'll mess up somehow. This packing and organizing was always one of the places where she was the stronger one in the marriage.

So far - so good though.

Next up - the dreaded trip to WalMart to get those last-minute items. Then maybe we can put a bow on it and relax a bit tonight!


----------



## nice777guy

Had a dream (nightmare!) that some woman called me up and told me off because I'd been flirting with her but she knee I had no intention of asking her out!!!


----------



## angelpixie

I believe this is a subconscious message being sent to you by the collective females of the species that you need to get your a$$ in gear and start asking women out. Just sayin.


----------



## nice777guy

But flirting is fun!!!


----------



## nice777guy

nice777guy said:


> My Ex is still involved. Just enough to be a pain in my side.
> 
> I don't mind the packing - I'm just concerned I'll mess up somehow. This packing and organizing was always one of the places where she was the stronger one in the marriage.
> 
> So far - so good though.
> 
> Next up - the dreaded trip to WalMart to get those last-minute items. Then maybe we can put a bow on it and relax a bit tonight!


Update: packed up the kid LIKE A BOSS - with no help from the Ex!!!

Ex rode up to camp with us - went about as good as it could go.

AND - I did not cry when we left DD there...

Been a good day!


----------



## Paradise

You Da Man! 

You rode up with the ex? As in the same car? And then rode back? It would be too tempting for me to leave her at a gas station somewhere in between and not look back!  

Nice, I need a wingman! Why don't you drive a couple of states over to the left and we can get crazy this week since you don't have the daughter!


----------



## nice777guy

Paradise said:


> You Da Man!
> 
> You rode up with the ex? As in the same car? And then rode back? It would be too tempting for me to leave her at a gas station somewhere in between and not look back!
> 
> Nice, I need a wingman! Why don't you drive a couple of states over to the left and we can get crazy this week since you don't have the daughter!


Yes - almost two hours total with the Ex. We are usually pretty civil - except for her crazy mood swings!

And - still have one at home! But know exactly what you mean about needing a wingman!


----------



## Paradise

You are a better man than I....Could not do it. Nor do I want to entertain such a thought. 

I don't think being divorced is an issue in our society but being a single dad is tough. Number one, us dad's usually don't want to give away our time so that means when we have the kids we refuse to ever find a sitter. I plan my life around my kid (and I'm starting to wonder how healthy this actually is but I really don't care). Seems like I have to make plans a week or two in advance and then when those fall through there are no back-up plans right now. Most other dudes are married with a family. Hence....Finding a wingman is tough! lol


----------



## nice777guy

Yes - it is very tough. I've basically got a 50/50 split with my kids. I'm really struggling with work demands right now. I no longer have someone else who will be there for me/the kids when it's my time with them and I'm stuck working late. Tough to get it all done and still be able to enjoy the time I do have with them.


----------



## Shooboomafoo

Ive got a 50/50 week to week split with my kid too, and so far the weeks that I have her have been nice, but the week I send her back to her moms is when I get lonesome. Its mid-work-week so not alot of people doing anything. I end up wishing that I had done more with the kid when she was with me, becuase her mom spares no expense whatsoever and I cant compete. 
At the end of the weeks with her, I feel like I am looking forward to a week where I can really do something for myself, but then nothing happens and another week goes by. 
Limited a lot by the available time, and finances for sure. 
But it wont always be that way, I hope.


----------



## nice777guy

My resources are certainly more limited than they used to be. But last night, took my younger Daughter to the library, helped her make some Mac and Cheese, and watched a little TV with her. Was a great night!

I often feel like I have to make up for how lazy their mother is. So - sometimes when I could or should be saying No because I'm too tired or stressed - I say yes because I know how little they get to do with Mom. Some of it with Mom is financial - but some of its pure selfishness and laziness...


----------



## Shooboomafoo

I dont know how much real attention the girl gets over at her moms house. I dont know how her mom divides her attention between the kiddo and her new bf who lives there. It guts me to think of them out and about like a family doing sh!t together. To know from where and at what cost it all came from as well.
I think most of what goes on and what she takes our kid to are things the ex planned on doing anyways for herself, as shes been in "vacation mode" for about three years now.


----------



## nice777guy

Feeling bitter and angry (again) about the financial impact that divorce has had on my life and my kid's lives.

Looking at my "financial plan" this morning - even if I meet my short term goals - I just feel like I'm screwed. Daughter was talking about all her friends who were planning summer vacations - in addition to camp.

There IS no college fund now. That basically went to my Ex's half of the assets and was used by her to buy a house.

In general - just a rough weekend for a lot of reasons I can't quite put my finger on.


----------



## Intruder

Shooboomafoo said:


> Ive got a 50/50 week to week split with my kid too, and so far the weeks that I have her have been nice, but the week I send her back to her moms is when I get lonesome. Its mid-work-week so not alot of people doing anything. I end up wishing that I had done more with the kid when she was with me, becuase her mom spares no expense whatsoever and I cant compete.
> At the end of the weeks with her, I feel like I am looking forward to a week where I can really do something for myself, but then nothing happens and another week goes by.
> Limited a lot by the available time, and finances for sure.
> But it wont always be that way, I hope.


Wow....my story also. The boys Mom and boyfriend have the resources to do anything at anytime.....I once did also. Right now just getting by is a struggle.


----------



## Shooboomafoo

nice777guy said:


> Feeling bitter and angry (again) about the financial impact that divorce has had on my life and my kid's lives.
> 
> Looking at my "financial plan" this morning - even if I meet my short term goals - I just feel like I'm screwed. Daughter was talking about all her friends who were planning summer vacations - in addition to camp.
> 
> There IS no college fund now. That basically went to my Ex's half of the assets and was used by her to buy a house.
> 
> In general - just a rough weekend for a lot of reasons I can't quite put my finger on.


---I really wish I could figure out what my problem is sometimes. Theres so much I should be glad about, happy with, I just cant seem to maintain a sense of healthy joy within myself right now. I think about the whole last couple of years and feel alright about how all the cards fell, but theres a lingering funk that has me standoffish and skeptical about a lot. Im short with people that offer bullsh!t when in the past I took a more passive attitude. I feel the time for blaming the divorce has passed, and further reference would be a scapegoat..
I sort of has this sense that the divorce was a major positive change in my life and wish I could clear other things off the table as well, since Im going thru all the upset anyways..Man, I'd love to just pack up and move to somewhere with mountains and clear streams to fish trout out of, and pan fry them in garlic butter right there streamside.. 

There were a lot of little cuts that followed the divorce for me. The lightspeed insertion of another man right into what at one point was my whole "life". Healing on the fly, while trying to maintain normalcy for the kiddo, and being so constantly in contact with the ex during her transition to the "other".
I think some of that made it hard to cope for me, as Im the type to cut and run, and never see me again.. I didnt get to do that this time. 

Financially things have been difficult only because theres such a limitation to whats coming in, in comparison to a decade of a 3 person family living on credit cards, that are now mine to dispel.. I think about what I have to offer in terms of what I am as a man, and it seems to pale in comparison to the highly educated, business owning entrepreneurs that are now well vested and arent concerned with next month's bills. It seems that the idea of a "good hard working man" may be minimally interesting at first, but will eventually pale in comparison to a womans desire for security and wealth. 
I have truly failed in devoting sixteen years at this company.. Now I'm rambling.. sorry.


----------



## Shoeguy

Well add me to this group as well. The group that has been smacked with the financial boulder. I have taken it one step further to see a debt management company only to find out I couldn't afford the payments anyway. The gruesome task of aligning all the monthly expenses with the income only put a spot light on what ialready knew, I'm under water by $300/month. Which doesn't include any "Hey dad my friends and I would like to go (fill in the blank) could I have $5 to get some food while we are there." Man it is like gettting punched in the stomach and not at all the childs fault for asking.

So I have given a shout out to a bankruptcy attorney. I can't sleep anymore becasue it rolls around in my head. I have to do something. I'm not late on any payments so it appears on the outside I'm doing fine. But it almost feels like the first few weeks of my divorce where I ran around in my head trying to figure out what the heck happened. I had a rough time getting over those times and now I'm in the same boat just a different set of rapids to navigate.

Not postive how I'll get by but the kids need me so I'll figure it out.

Sorry to ramble...

Take care

Shoeguy


----------



## Intruder

Right with you exploring bankruptcy. I have explored every possible option....

Hard to even remember what my life was, and hard to even fathom how I got here....40 y/o and struggling...SIGH


----------



## nice777guy

Still in a really f'kn foul mood tonight...


----------



## Shoeguy

Hopefully you got some great rest and feel better this morning.

I didn't..I got a good round of golf in last night but drank too many beers so this morning I'm a little hazy. LOL

Just stunned my senses about the financial issues for a few hours. Check them this monring and yep they are still there.


----------



## nice777guy

Yeah - rest WOULD be the smart thing - wouldn't it?


----------



## Shooboomafoo

REst? Whats that? OH, yeah, that blackout period between the time I find my bed, and wake up in the morning all too early to start the most excruciatingly stressful part of my day,,, the drive to work! Somewhere in the midst of all that, is value ?

Financially, I find at least a margin of relief knowing that it IS up to me right now, and I dont have a spendaholic hating me for ruining her life with my trivial desires to have something at retirement time, and not be working at a department store as a greeter.
Yeah, fun needs to be had, but one would think seven years of compounded credit card use and the resulting outsend of literally all of the income would have influenced ones intentions, being all that care and concern for the marriage and the wellbeing of each other was so terribly evident..... 

I really do breathe a sigh of relief knowing I dont have her working against me anymore. The bleeding has stopped, now I can repair.


----------



## nice777guy

My Ex is completely Nuckin' Futs!

A week ago - flirty.

Three days ago - as nasty (mean) as could be after an exchange regarding her parenting techniques.

Tonight - calls out of the blue asking for a very truly small favor - as friendly as can be - as I'm still stewing over the really mean things she had said just a few days before.

AND THEN SHE LITERALLY ASKS WHY I NEVER TELL HER I MISS HER!!!

My answer - "I don't really miss you! I don't like to tell you I don't miss you - as it seems a bit rude. But the last two years of our marriage were Hell - and that's kind of burned into my brain. Even the last week has been dramatic and draining - and I'm just tired of it"

WTF?!?!

Thinking more lately about what Deejo said - about maybe showing her just a bit of crazy. Make her uncomfortable. Not something to do around the kids - but tonight would have been a good chance to throw her off HER equilibrium for a change...


----------



## Deejo

*Nods sagely*

You my friend ... need to dip your toes in a little bit of crazy. Take it for a spin. You just might like it.

Your ex STILL feels like she can just lob emotional grenades at you whenever she so chooses.

You unleash just a wee bit of crazy to the point that she knows when poking the bear may yield a face-full of teeth and she'll start thinking twice about pulling that sh!t.


----------



## nice777guy

Deejo said:


> *Nods sagely*
> 
> You my friend ... need to dip your toes in a little bit of crazy. Take it for a spin. You just might like it.
> 
> Your ex STILL feels like she can just lob emotional grenades at you whenever she so chooses.
> 
> You unleash just a wee bit of crazy to the point that she knows when poking the bear may yield a face-full of teeth and she'll start thinking twice about pulling that sh!t.


I'm starting to think you may have a point.

I think it would work better if she were merely a manipulative jerk. The more distance I gain from her - the more I truly wonder just how imbalanced the chemicals are.


----------



## angelpixie

nice777guy said:


> The more distance I gain from her - the more I truly wonder just how imbalanced the chemicals are.


**nods sagely herself**


----------



## Shoeguy

> You unleash just a wee bit of crazy to the point that she knows when poking the bear may yield a face-full of teeth and she'll start thinking twice about pulling that sh!t.


I knid of like this suggestion.

Nice777, is there rough ideas that you can think of that we might be of assistant in polishing up?


----------



## nice777guy

Stop the presses!!! Cityville Girl just told me Goodnight!!! A major minor victory!!!

About dang time!!!!


----------



## angelpixie

I'll save the entire clapping crowd for when you get a Cityville date.


----------



## nice777guy

Deejo said:


> *Nods sagely*
> 
> You my friend ... need to dip your toes in a little bit of crazy. Take it for a spin. You just might like it.
> 
> Your ex STILL feels like she can just lob emotional grenades at you whenever she so chooses.
> 
> You unleash just a wee bit of crazy to the point that she knows when poking the bear may yield a face-full of teeth and she'll start thinking twice about pulling that sh!t.


Upon further thought - I think she truly enjoys the drama. Drama equals attention.

An angry, growling bear is better to her than having to sit alone in the woods and listen to the crickets. Some people truly can't stand silence. 

But - here's a setup for you clever people. We drove together to pick up our oldest D from summer camp - about an hour away. It was Ex's day - but I'm not going to miss that trip. In the way up, Ex was flirting and complimenting - while youngest D sat in the back. I kept my mouth shut and said very little. But I was uncomfortable - and my options for replies were limited due to the presence of my YD. 

Should I have flirted back? Made comments about things from the past that would have gone over D's head (so - have you talked to M lately? He still text you a lot? He ever leave his wife?)

But that feels like engaging an otherwise powerless enemy.


----------



## angelpixie

With anyone else I'd never do this, but in situations where STBXH is being extra friendly because he's extra needy and I just don't feel like dealing with it, I just give him one syllable answers and physically turn toward DS and engage him in conversation. I just shut STBXH out as much as possible. I concentrate on DS and sooner or later, he'll do or say something that makes me laugh. Eventually, STBXH just stops because he's not getting any response -- not verbal, not tense silence, nothing.


----------



## nice777guy

angelpixie said:


> With anyone else I'd never do this, but in situations where STBXH is being extra friendly because he's extra needy and I just don't feel like dealing with it, I just give him one syllable answers and physically turn toward DS and engage him in conversation. I just shut STBXH out as much as possible. I concentrate on DS and sooner or later, he'll do or say something that makes me laugh. Eventually, STBXH just stops because he's not getting any response -- not verbal, not tense silence, nothing.


And that's been my general approach as well. I think it's the best way to handle things. But maybe I would feel a little less uncomfortable - and shut her up for good - if I could somehow turn the tables a bit...


----------



## Deejo

Only other thing I can suggest is that you stop, or minimize the interface time you have with her.

You and your wife now have separate lives. Ex and I tried to maintain that familial 'facade' for our kids as well. All it does is muddy the water. In our case it didn't ease anything for the kids. It just made them more confused. "If we have fun as a family, why can't you live together?"
Kids sure know how to condense the nonsense.

I don't ever expect you to bad-mouth your ex. But ... it's ok for your kids to know that you disapprove of her, or set some tough boundaries for what you are willing to tolerate.

Sounds like every time she gets bored, or feels like she needs validation, she starts pushing your buttons. Nothing wrong with making it clear that if she continues she risks losing a finger at some point.


----------



## nice777guy

Not trying to maintain a "facade." Trying to be "friends" - which in itself may be too much.

Onwards and upwards!


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## Deejo

I keep imagining that some time in the future you are going to make a post that's along the lines of 'The Hangover'. And I make a solemn vow, I will bail you out of whatever 3rd world jail you find yourself in at the time.


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## Deejo

Friends can be challenging. Ex and I have a really, really good rapport. But as you know, it was pretty messy and confusing for a good long time.

We are friendly. I wouldn't call us, friends.


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## nice777guy

Deejo said:


> I keep imagining that some time in the future you are going to make a post that's along the lines of 'The Hangover'. And I make a solemn vow, I will bail you out of whatever 3rd world jail you find yourself in at the time.


Ok! Can see me rambling on - telling the guards at the jail to call Deejo!

"Hes a mod - and looks like Ron Burgandy! Or Ron Jeremy? I get confused! The anchor guy - not the porn star..."


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## angelpixie

nice777guy said:


> "Hes a mod - and looks like Ron Burgandy! Or Ron Jeremy? I get confused! The anchor guy - not the porn star..."


Easy to see how you'd be confused -- they both know how to rock the 'stache. :rofl:


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## cherokee96red

Did everyone go on vacation? Been trying since Monday am to get responses from 3 different people. VM's, emails, texts remain unanswered so far. Irritating enough when it's the STBXH, but this is the D atty, the tax atty that are being ever so slow. WTF?


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## nice777guy

Sorry to hear Cherokee...things just really move slow sometimes...


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## cherokee96red

nice777guy said:


> Sorry to hear Cherokee...things just really move slow sometimes...


Well, at least I finally got a reply from the D lawyer.
Just frustrasted 'cause, for a rare change, I have plans that involve me being out of town for a bit and away from my 'puter.


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## nice777guy

Buttons pushed again tonight. Minor - but a button is a button.

If I didn't love my dog (whom I have joint custody of) he'd be tied to her mailbox right now.


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## Paradise

I feel for ya, Nice. My ex does the same and changes her mind and plans on a daily basis. Sometimes I think about it and am glad I don't have to deal with that as her husband anymore because I'm a logical thinker type of person. 

We all (you, shoo, myself and the other fellas and ladies on here) are all going to have to figure this deal out sooner or later. Not sure about you but I cannot go another 10, 12, 20 yrs like this.


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## notreadytoquit

nice777guy said:


> Buttons pushed again tonight. Minor - but a button is a button.
> 
> If I didn't love my dog (whom I have joint custody of) he'd be tied to her mailbox right now.


What happened?


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## nice777guy

notreadytoquit said:


> What happened?


Dog drama!!!

I'm over it. Thanks for asking...


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## nice777guy

This is so minor, but then, it’s not.

Last night – Ex calls just as I get home. Girls are going to spend the night with her mother. Fine. Asks if I want “The Dog.” The Dog normally goes where the kids go. I say no thank you.

The other part of the conversation – the kids needed to stop by my house to get some things before going to Gramma’s. They show up – with the dog.

So – it’s my kids – and “my” dog. I can’t tell the kids to turn around and take the dog back because Daddy’s a big old grump and Mommy’s playing mind games.

Its minor – I honestly didn’t mind having him. But of course the REAL issue is that we discussed it and she sent him anyway.

Sent her a couple of texts basically saying “WTF?” – which she ignored. I hate being ignored. So I sent a few more – politely saying that I was on the way to her house with the dog. Figured if she can lie, I can too.

Have almost sent a few more – blah blah blah, respect, etc, you still can’t keep your word, blah, blah, liar – but really, there would be no point.

Or – tempted to text and tell her that I got her garage door code from our daughter and put him in her garage.

Part of it is a mind game – I think. The dog hates people. To me, this is her way of saying that she’s going to have company. She did something similar a week ago – but then later denied the head game and said she had simply been out with a friend.

That’s why I said last night – if I didn’t like the little guy – he’d be tied up to her porch step right now – rotting in the 90 degree heat.

I could easily have just let this go last night. Probably would have been the healthy thing to do.


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## nice777guy

Texted again - asked if the kids were with her tonight and if she'd found the dog. She acted surprised - said she wasn't at home and asked where the dog was. 

Told her that of course he's safe and sound - but pointed out that apparently I have to be an a$$hole to get a response from her.

Not my most mature moment. Oh well.

She said I was "sick..." 

I told her I just wanted the same courtesy and respect in return that I've consistently given to her...

The End.


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## angelpixie

Got your point across though, didn't you? I believe this may fall under the heading of 'throwing a little crazy back at the ex.' Good for you.


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## UpnDown

Its amazing the little things they will do to just try and get to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nice777guy

UpnDown said:


> Its amazing the little things they will do to just try and get to you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





> Got your point across though, didn't you? I believe this may fall under the heading of 'throwing a little crazy back at the ex.' Good for you.


But if she's just crazy - and I know it - at what point is it up to me to just deal with things mentally on my own?

I could have simply rolled my eyes - and got on with my life.

Instead - I'm sittin here "venting" again while she's doing whatever crazy people do in their spare time. Weaving baskets or painting pictures of bunnies in biker jackets. She's medicated - but unsupervised.

I don't want her inside my head and I don't want to be in hers either.

And even more crazy - I KNOW - beyond a doubt - that if we go a week with little or no interaction, she will be as sweet as honey to me the next time I see her.

And then crazy.

And then sweet.

And then crazy.

Rinse, wash and repeat...until I pull my hair out and start weaving baskets of my own...


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## nice777guy

And the apology came via text tonight.

Bat$hit crazy...


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## working_together

Welcome to the crazy ex club....

If my ex could get me out of his head, things would be great.

Same pattern....

crazy, then apologize, crazy, apologize...you know the drill.

I figure if I was the one making postcards around a big table with other "crazy" people, things might be easier, it's more fun being the crazy person...they seem to forget stuff from one min. to the next.


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## Deejo

Nope ... you can't be friends. She ain't your friend ... unless or until she wants something.

You can be colleagues. Not friends. You should neither attempt, nor contribute to any such gestures.

You need distance. You need boundaries. Otherwise ... you stay on this merry-go-round for exactly as long as she can keep you there, or you keep yourself there. Thus preventing you from moving on in any way shape or form because you are constantly consumed with how you deal with the next round of 'crazy'.

You need to seriously consider cutting down on, or eliminating this attempt at closely co-parenting your kids with this woman ... presuming you do want to move on.


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## nice777guy

Deejo said:


> Nope ... you can't be friends. She ain't your friend ... unless or until she wants something.
> 
> You can be colleagues. Not friends. You should neither attempt, nor contribute to any such gestures.
> 
> You need distance. You need boundaries. Otherwise ... you stay on this merry-go-round for exactly as long as she can keep you there, or you keep yourself there. Thus preventing you from moving on in any way shape or form because you are constantly consumed with how you deal with the next round of 'crazy'.
> 
> You need to seriously consider cutting down on, or eliminating this attempt at closely co-parenting your kids with this woman ... presuming you do want to move on.


Would print and put on my bathroom mirror if not for the questions it would raise from the kiddos...


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## nice777guy

One of those days when I think I'm going to be broke and single until I die.


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## Paradise

Ha! OMG, that thought just crossed my mind. I went to watch a ball game and eat some food and grab a few beers tonight. A couple of very attractive ladies were sitting next to me. I realized how tacky it would be to talk to them as they are involved in a deep conversation and I am there by myself. I almost went to another watering hole to have another beer and realized that was futile. What's the point? 

I'm with ya. Tired of being single and while I'm not an introvert I am not the type of person that can just go out by myself and meet a bunch of new people. This sucks! lol....At least I'm laughing about it an not depressed.


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## angelpixie

Sorry you're having a tough day, Nice. Hang in there. It will get better, even if it's only little by little. 
You'll have someone riding your train for real in no time, LOL.


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## Paradise

Nice,

I realized tonight that in order to meet someone that I want to date I am going to have to find some outside interests other than my daughter. This is the first night of silence I've had in my home in over a week as I've had her every night. I have been happy as can be this week. My life is revolving around her and that is not healthy. You and I need to find something else to do outside of the home and work and kids.


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## nice777guy

angelpixie said:


> Sorry you're having a tough day, Nice. Hang in there. It will get better, even if it's only little by little.
> You'll have someone riding your train for real in no time, LOL.


It's the Mini-Van that's a problem. And the 12 year old couch. And the penny pincher budget...


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## nice777guy

Paradise said:


> Nice,
> 
> I realized tonight that in order to meet someone that I want to date I am going to have to find some outside interests other than my daughter. This is the first night of silence I've had in my home in over a week as I've had her every night. I have been happy as can be this week. My life is revolving around her and that is not healthy. You and I need to find something else to do outside of the home and work and kids.


Has to be something cheap!!! Lol!!!


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## angelpixie

nice777guy said:


> It's the Mini-Van that's a problem. And the 12 year old couch. And the penny pincher budget...


Don't think of it as 12 years old, think of it as 'vintage.' And it's not penny pinching, it's 'living simply.' You gotta know the lingo that attracts the chicks!


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## nice777guy

angelpixie said:


> Don't think of it as 12 years old, think of it as 'vintage.' And it's not penny pinching, it's 'living simply.' You gotta know the lingo that attracts the chicks!


I'm all kinds of vintage right now!!!


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## Paradise

Me too, nice! I sometimes think about how broke I am and how no decent woman is going to want this type of baggage. It is frustrating.


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## nice777guy

Paradise said:


> Me too, nice! I sometimes think about how broke I am and how no decent woman is going to want this type of baggage. It is frustrating.


But then we know there are decent women out there with baggage of their own.

Patience...I suppose...?


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## Deejo

I would like the both of you to stop and think about how many friggin threads on this site revolve around women getting their freak-on with unemployed, recovering alcoholic, overweight and generally dysfunctional men.

None of which either of you are.

Both of you have approach anxiety. End of story. You will always be able to find a plethora of valid reasons for why no woman would possibly want you, and why you will die alone and poor.

Simple truth?

You only need one reason, just one, to engage someone and see if it goes anywhere.


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## Paradise

Deejo said:


> I would like the both of you to stop and think about how many friggin threads on this site revolve around women getting their freak-on with unemployed, recovering alcoholic, overweight and generally dysfunctional men.
> 
> None of which either of you are.
> 
> Both of you have approach anxiety. End of story. You will always be able to find a plethora of valid reasons for why no woman would possibly want you, and why you will die alone and poor.
> 
> Simple truth?
> 
> You only need one reason, just one, to engage someone and see if it goes anywhere.


Master Deejo calling me out! :smthumbup:

You are correct, sir! Was at the bookstore recently reading Neil Strauss (Sp?) book and realize that I am definitely going to have to start at stage 1.....Just talking to people.


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## nice777guy

Deejo said:


> I would like the both of you to stop and think about how many friggin threads on this site revolve around women getting their freak-on with unemployed, recovering alcoholic, overweight and generally dysfunctional men.
> 
> None of which either of you are.
> 
> Both of you have approach anxiety. End of story. You will always be able to find a plethora of valid reasons for why no woman would possibly want you, and why you will die alone and poor.
> 
> Simple truth?
> 
> You only need one reason, just one, to engage someone and see if it goes anywhere.


You said that you intentionally removed yourself from the dating pool for about a year - correct?

That's consistent with what most divorce recovery books and articles advise.

That's also what my head says I should be doing as well.

Even though it's probably the right thing to do doesn't make it easy. And there are a couple of other body parts that feel differently. One is my "heart" and we all know what the other is!

So thanks for the pep talk. But I'm just not ready to date yet. Still - sometimes its just nice to know your voice is being heard and that other people feel or have felt the same.


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## nice777guy

Oh - and I just divorced one of "those" girls. Setting my sights a bit higher next time!!!


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## Paradise

Nice, I forget, how long has it been since you were separated/divorced? I've been divorced over a year but the entire divorce process only took a couple months so a total of a year and a half. Just curious.


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## nice777guy

Ink was dry in February.

Or - you could say we stopped having sex about a year ago!!!

We amicably agreed to part ways somewhere in between. She moved out in Nov/Dec.

Last 2 years of the marriage were basically hell.


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## Paradise

nice777guy said:


> Ink was dry in February.
> 
> Or - you could say we stopped having sex about a year ago!!!
> 
> We amicably agreed to part ways somewhere in between. She moved out in Nov/Dec.
> 
> Last 2 years of the marriage were basically hell.


I'm a little less than a year ahead of you, I guess. My job last year halted my progress since I was just living day to day and struggling through it. I hear ya on the last two years of marriage. Sometimes I forget how miserable I was in the marriage. I was a typical guy and internalized it all instead of focusing on making myself happy so I'm still paying the price for that.


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## Deejo

nice777guy said:


> You said that you intentionally removed yourself from the dating pool for about a year - correct?
> 
> That's consistent with what most divorce recovery books and articles advise.
> 
> That's also what my head says I should be doing as well.
> 
> Even though it's probably the right thing to do doesn't make it easy. And there are a couple of other body parts that feel differently. One is my "heart" and we all know what the other is!
> 
> So thanks for the pep talk. But I'm just not ready to date yet. Still - sometimes its just nice to know your voice is being heard and that other people feel or have felt the same.


You are correct. I did do that; after a brief relationship with an old flame and and a dip into the dating pool.

I wanted to start dating once I knew that I didn't 'need' to be dating. Hope that makes sense.

But ... I did engage people and women, just never took it beyond the conversational stage, which worked wonders come the time I felt ready to jump back in.

I apologize if I have misread your intentions, or Paradise's. I certainly don't mean it as calling you out or trying to push you to do something you don't feel ready for. But ... I would strongly advocate for both of you to go after and get what you want, and trust me, there are women out there that will want what you have to offer, and amen to trading up.


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## nice777guy

Deejo said:


> You are correct. I did do that; after a brief relationship with an old flame and and a dip into the dating pool.
> 
> I wanted to start dating once I knew that I didn't 'need' to be dating. Hope that makes sense.
> 
> But ... I did engage people and women, just never took it beyond the conversational stage, which worked wonders come the time I felt ready to jump back in.
> 
> I apologize if I have misread your intentions, or Paradise's. I certainly don't mean it as calling you out or trying to push you to do something you don't feel ready for. But ... I would strongly advocate for both of you to go after and get what you want, and trust me, there are women out there that will want what you have to offer, and amen to trading up.


Lol!!! No problem!

I DO try to flirt more than I EVER did before. And I do feel anxiety at times that I need to learn to "push through."


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## nice777guy

Frustrated. Foot is killing me - no clue why. Seems to "flare up" once a year or so.

I knew days like this would come - and it's hard to say it - I don't miss Her at all - but I do miss having a partner sometimes.

Even though I was much more often the careGiver - would be nice to have someone make me an ice pack or run to the pharmacy to get some more Aleve - just little things...

Plus - She was always good about keeping a few extra pain pills around from her procedures!!! Could have used one around 2am last night!

Ugh...


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## angelpixie

Sorry, sweetie. Someday you'll have someone again, don't worry.


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## nice777guy

angelpixie said:


> Sorry, sweetie. Someday you'll have someone again, don't worry.


Thx...


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## Shoeguy

Why does your foot flare up? Did you hurt it pulling it out of your ex's a$$?


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## nice777guy

Shoeguy said:


> Why does your foot flare up? Did you hurt it pulling it out of your ex's a$$?


Sadly - no a$$es were involved. I may just be getting old!

On the top/arch of my foot. Happened for the first time 10 years ago - easy to remember because I had just turned 30 and thought "great, I'm falling apart!" Doctor thought it might have been a stress fracture, but nothing showed on X-ray.

Flares up every 2 years or so. Soaked it in ice and kept it elevated last night. Not perfect, but better today.


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## teewhy

nice777guy said:


> I had just turned 30 and thought "great, I'm falling apart!"


:lol:

Now THAT was funny!


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## nice777guy

Foot Flare is done. Kids back home in one piece.

REALLY think I should go to church tomorrow...really should...really...

But sleeping in on Sundays feels so good, surely it is God's will - right?


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## teewhy

I'm not touching that one! lol... Now I'm going to church just because... Thanks a lot Nice! lol


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## nice777guy

Went to Church! Small victory...


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## angelpixie

Hallelujah!


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## teewhy

Just got back.. now I'm ready to entertain you heathens!!


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## nice777guy

Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition!!!


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## nice777guy

Just got a weird apology text from The Ex.

Started to actually reply and say a few things - but stuck with "Thx" instead.

I think I'll make a set of laminated cards out of it - hand her one the next time she gets angry with me.

She and her Mom aren't speaking right now. Think her Mom tried to give her some advice on parenting. 

Also, apparently my MIL isn't supposed to talk to me post divorce - per The Temporarily Apologetic Ex...


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## teewhy

nice777guy said:


> Started to actually reply and say a few things - but stuck with "Thx" instead.
> 
> I think I'll make a set of laminated cards out of it - hand her one the next time she gets angry with me.


Yes sir! :iagree:


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## Shoeguy

Nive,

You are a strong guy to be able to give hold back and say Thx instaed of replying.

I need to learn that skill. I usually bring up some crazy crap that happened in the past and it is just not productive. Oops. I guess I still have a vain of anger running through me and she hits that nerve jsut about every time I have to communicate with her. LOL

Take care

Shoeguy


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## nice777guy

Both kids have Birthdays this month. Tried to talk to Ex yesterday about plans. Ended up being a "tense" discussion about Oldest Daughter's "Behavioral Problems."

Ugh...


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## nice777guy

Well - I think I may officially have a stalker.

Ex Wife sent me a text, asking me to stop slandering her online and to stop pouring my emotions out into cyberspace.

I asked her how long she'd been following me. She gave some lame response about having common Facebook friends. Which then turned into people at Church asking her Mom about my Facebook posts.

Thing is - I truly do not post about her on Facebook.

So - I will be signing off - at least publicly - for awhile until this latest mess sorts itself out.

Thank you all!!!


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## nice777guy

And for the record - she can kiss my ass!!!


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## nice777guy

Actually a bit torn about having a stalker.

Reading back through things I've said in this particular thread simply remind me how hard things have been - and what a great Father I've been.

Packing the girls for camp, refusing to argue in front of the kids, cleaning up puke and fixing the disposal while working 50+ hours per week. Taking OD to her first dance. NOT just inviting ANYONE to the house who might complicate things further...

Etc, etc...


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## angelpixie

You have a right to your feelings, Nice. If she thinks she's been portrayed unflatteringly, well, maybe it's because her actions haven't been very civil to you and your girls. I'm sorry this has happened to you. I'm waiting for it to happen to me next. 

Feel free to PM if you ever want to.


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## nice777guy

Thank you...


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## Shoeguy

Nice,

I make it a point to stay away from FB. Although I think it is a great way to keep connected with lost freinds and extended family posting about day to day life just doesn't make sense to me.

You have been doing a great job keeping your kids relationship strong. Keep up the good work. It is work but the most rewarding type in the long run.

Take care,

Shoeguy


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## nice777guy

Shoeguy said:


> Nice,
> 
> I make it a point to stay away from FB. Although I think it is a great way to keep connected with lost freinds and extended family posting about day to day life just doesn't make sense to me.
> 
> You have been doing a great job keeping your kids relationship strong. Keep up the good work. It is work but the most rewarding type in the long run.
> 
> Take care,
> 
> Shoeguy


Again - thank you.


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