# Just why?



## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

I took the kids and left about 6/7 weeks ago. I am perfectly OK and proud of my decision and cannot wait to file for divorce. I should have done it 2 decades ago. Most days I don't like him and some days I have hated him (never thought I was capable of hatred). But, some days I crave talking to him. Then I do and remember why I don't like it. It's all fake. I even know he's not listening to me because he never does. He can't. So, why the heck do I want to have a conversation with this man? Ugh. How do I change this behavior of mine?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

You are still bonded to him, time is the only thing that will fix this. It's like a diet you have to suffer.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It just takes time to break the bond. 


How old are your children? Does he see them now that you have moved?


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Time. One day, when your're not even thinking about it...you will suddenly notice...you haven't thought about him in a while.


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## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> It just takes time to break the bond.
> 
> 
> How old are your children? Does he seem them now that you have moved?


21 and has a baby of her own (does not live at home). 16 and 14 real soon. I have absolutely no clue what his brain thinks. It's a mystery to me.


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## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

MarriedDude said:


> Time. One day, when your're not even thinking about it...you will suddenly notice...you haven't thought about him in a while.


That would be awesome.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What were/are the problems in your marriage?


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## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> It just takes time to break the bond.
> 
> 
> How old are your children? Does he seem them now that you have moved?


I didn't move. I left. He calls them every 2 weeks. His plans are to move 1300 miles away from them and move in with his dad. I am going back in a couple/few weeks when he is gone.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Yep..... time. 

It's a habit. Like any habit it takes some time to get over...or to really, really quit. 

You can change some things..... for example, if you always talked to him at dinnertime, then change up the dinner time routine. Change the time, change the dynamics. Google it. 

If you are used to discussing the kid stuff with him (or at him, I TOTALLY get that).... find a new ear, start a journal, write emails to him and delete them instead of sending.....etc....

Wear a rubber band on your wrist. Snap it whenever you think about talking to him. MAYBE that helps, some say it does. 

But mostly....it just takes time.


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## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

SunnyT said:


> Yep..... time.
> 
> It's a habit. Like any habit it takes some time to get over...or to really, really quit.
> 
> ...


I just talk and he never listens/hears because he has no desire to. Emails do nothing. He admits to not reading them because I send too many he says. My emails were a way of not distracting him so he could read and respond at his own pace.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Get a brick and draw a frowny face on it with his name at the bottom. Everytime you feel the need to talk to him, talk to the brick. The end result will be the same and you will have gotten it out of your system.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Lean on your support system. Create one if you have to. Keep a journal of all the things you want to say to a guy who doesn't care to listen. That is what I did. Sometimes it was sad, sometimes hateful, but sometimes it was just stuff I'd like to share with my husband. I'd hide it under the mattress. I used to kinda wish he'd find it. Then he'd know what I wanted to say!!! He didn't. It was moot. I burned it when he left. I didn't want the kids to find it. And I didn't need it any more. I let him go, I quit wanting him to listen. Kinda. 

He'd call to see how things were going (fine), how the kids were doing (fine), what's everyone up to (same ol, same ol)...... I resented his leaving, even if he was a schmuck.... and I resented him calling. 

One day, I figured out what I wanted to do about it. I went to see him ....at his little apartment at the beach (I resented that too)... and I said my piece. Kind of a mix of everything I'd wanted to say. He kinda listened, I know he heard me....I also know that he didn't want to deal with any emotions/honesty/reality/etc... He pretty much blew me off. 

So away I went. I was ok with that. That was pretty much what I expected. I'd said my piece....I was really really done. 

That was about six months after he'd left. I never looked back. 

It gets better.... it really does.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I tried and tried for decades to communicate with my ex-husband. Everything went in one ear and out the other with no stop inbetween. Talking is obviously a waste of time when your spouse refuses to listen. I was slow to learn that. When I said I was getting a divorce (cheating) he was totally shocked. He never imagined I really would leave but I did. I'm grateful I no longer have any of that to deal with but it took time to get there. You will.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

prunus said:


> I just talk and he never listens/hears because he has no desire to. Emails do nothing. He admits to not reading them because I send too many he says. My emails were a way of not distracting him so he could read and respond at his own pace.


The next time you get the urge to have a conversation with him, keep ^^THIS^^ in mind. It's normal to grieve a loss. Often, we grieve our expectations; what we wanted rather than what actually happened. 

You can't force yourself to stop feeling what you are feeling. However, in time, you won't give a crap trying to figure out this man's motivations as to why he said and did what he did. For me, I just found that getting busy with moving forward in life helped a great deal. We tend to cling to the familiar, even when the familiar is awful.

Be kind to yourself. Quit trying to analyze it. We often don't get answers in this life to our questions. I quit asking when I realized the only person I was driving nuts was ME ... all in the name of trying to find answers to why my husband did what he did.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

SunnyT said:


> Yep..... time.
> 
> It's a habit. Like any habit it takes some time to get over...or to really, really quit.
> 
> ...


I agree with SonnyT, it's just a habit. You were together a long time and he was part of your daily life, you were just use to each other being there, now it's not so much that you miss him as a person, but you miss the presence of what you were use to. If the decision has been made to divorce begin limiting your contact with him, no communication unless it's divorce or child related. The more you phase him out of your life the healthier and stronger you will become. You may even have moments you think "well, maybe it wasn't so bad", but as someone mentioned, when that happens hit your self with a brick and remind yourself it was bad enough for long enough that you left to get away from him.


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## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

Openminded said:


> I tried and tried for decades to communicate with my ex-husband. Everything went in one ear and out the other with no stop inbetween. Talking is obviously a waste of time when your spouse refuses to listen. I was slow to learn that. When I said I was getting a divorce (cheating) he was totally shocked. He never imagined I really would leave but I did. I'm grateful I no longer have any of that to deal with but it took time to get there. You will.


I got the "shocked" reaction a long time before I left. He wondered why I was rushing things. I wasn't rushing things. I'd been trying to keep it together for years and years and years and I was very open with my emotions (which were ignored).


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## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

SunnyT said:


> Lean on your support system. Create one if you have to. Keep a journal of all the things you want to say to a guy who doesn't care to listen. That is what I did. Sometimes it was sad, sometimes hateful, but sometimes it was just stuff I'd like to share with my husband. I'd hide it under the mattress. I used to kinda wish he'd find it. Then he'd know what I wanted to say!!! He didn't. It was moot. I burned it when he left. I didn't want the kids to find it. And I didn't need it any more. I let him go, I quit wanting him to listen. Kinda.
> 
> He'd call to see how things were going (fine), how the kids were doing (fine), what's everyone up to (same ol, same ol)...... I resented his leaving, even if he was a schmuck.... and I resented him calling.
> 
> ...


I don't have a support system. It's just me and the kids. I have a couple of friends, but nobody close anymore. He's picked them off one by one over the years. He would bad mouth them so much that I eventually just stopped seeing them or doing things with them. He denies this, as well. I didn't even realize it myself until we moved to a different state and I had to make new friends. He started it with the first friend I brought around. At that point, I realized it and didn't allow his comments or attitude into MY friendships. But, I lost a lot along the way.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Maybe you're just very very high maintenance and are annoying. Guys tune out if they can't do anything about what you're saying. If you go on and on about your feelings and thoughts without getting equal feedback from him, what do you expect?

Please consider this. You may be incredibly needy and without a support network you are dumping this on your STBXH.

Guys typically like to respond to problems with solutions. A bit too often but it's a common joke because that's how we're built. Women can blather on and it becomes very difficult to discern the real problem - and before you know it the talking stops and you can't figure out if a problem was solved or not and if so how - no solution involved you.

I realize more than a few TAM women are seething right now but I'm telling you like it is.

A "good husband" learns to appear to listen, nod, and try very hard not to help fix the horrible problems you hear. I learned that and now I try and I'm a good husband. I'm good not because I think this way EVER but because I understand she does and I understand she gets something from talking to me. Plus she laughs at my jokes which is at least as hard as me listening.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I want to point out another key thing. Watch these:

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=UiVCD9QMAMI

And this

"it's not about the nail"

https://www.bing.com/videos/search?...FORM=VIRE&qpvt=its+not+about+the+nail&PC=APPL

They are incredibly funny ways of saying this


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Maybe you're just very very high maintenance and are annoying. Guys tune out if they can't do anything about what you're saying. If you go on and on about your feelings and thoughts without getting equal feedback from him, what do you expect?
> 
> Please consider this. You may be incredibly needy and without a support network you are dumping this on your STBXH.
> 
> ...


Congrats on the incredibly accurate username, TheTruthHurts.

I would never word this that way, but, it has some truth to it. Vent here if you need to.
Or start a journal like other posters suggested. It's good to keep them and read back through if you ever have a weak moment.
When I left, and he had alienated all my friends, many similarities, etc. I started a journal on wordpress.com. I post songs or memes or vent, and it's just mine. It has a password, so i don't worry about the kids finding it. It helps.


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## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Maybe you're just very very high maintenance and are annoying. Guys tune out if they can't do anything about what you're saying. If you go on and on about your feelings and thoughts without getting equal feedback from him, what do you expect?
> 
> Please consider this. You may be incredibly needy and without a support network you are dumping this on your STBXH.
> 
> ...


I guess I should have worded my post differently. The emails were all business. They had absolutely nothing to do with me wanting to talk. There was no being chatty or asking to talk to him. I wasn't emailing him my thoughts or feelings. It was me giving him the responsibility to pay his own bills, logins, etc. He hates financial stuff and has never done his own banking. His mom did it until he was 29 (something I learned recently). He said there were too many to try to make me give up on it and keep doing it for him. That way it was my idea to keep paying them for him. That's how he works. Very frustrating.

I have dumped nothing on him. I know it goes in one ear and out the other. I stopped trying to have conversations with him long ago. I was just sharing on here that I had the urge to talk with him and how stupid me wanting to talk with him was.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

prunus said:


> I guess I should have worded my post differently. The emails were all business. They had absolutely nothing to do with me wanting to talk. There was no being chatty or asking to talk to him. I wasn't emailing him my thoughts or feelings. It was me giving him the responsibility to pay his own bills, logins, etc. He hates financial stuff and has never done his own banking. His mom did it until he was 29 (something I learned recently). He said there were too many to try to make me give up on it and keep doing it for him. That way it was my idea to keep paying them for him. That's how he works. Very frustrating.
> 
> I have dumped nothing on him. I know it goes in one ear and out the other. I stopped trying to have conversations with him long ago. I was just sharing on here that I had the urge to talk with him and how stupid me wanting to talk with him was.


There are stereo types. And as is always true, stereo types only fit a few people but are often used to dismiss everyone of a particular class. Clearly that stated stereo type does not fit you.

If your intent with the emails is to send him information that he requires to do things like pay his own bills, then it's info he needs. From what you have said, you are still doing that chore for him. 

Have you filed for divorce? Are you planning to file for divorce?

You need to determine which bills you would be held responsible for if he does not pay them. You might need to talk to an attorney to do this, to find out the laws in your state. Then just stop paying the bills that you are not legally responsible for. In a community property state, you would be responsible for all bills if he fails to pay them. That puts you in a bind. In equitable distribution states, it's a lot more iffy. So find out.

Do you two still have joint checking/savings/etc?


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

@prunus ahhh that paints a very different picture. So you don't want to be his mom anymore. Can't blame you for that. I'm sure mommy will be glad to take back her job if she had that hard a time letting go the first time.

The videos are still funny IMO


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## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> There are stereo types. And as is always true, stereo types only fit a few people but are often used to dismiss everyone of a particular class. Clearly that stated stereo type does not fit you.
> 
> If your intent with the emails is to send him information that he requires to do things like pay his own bills, then it's info he needs. From what you have said, you are still doing that chore for him.
> 
> ...


I will be filing once I get back home. Once he leaves the house in a few weeks, the kids and I can go back.

We have worked out who will pay what for now. It is a community property state.

Yes, there are some things we are both on. The bank account will be closed soon. I will take care of anything that has my name on it, even if his name is on it, too. I know I'll pay it. For now, that works for me.


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## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> @prunus ahhh that paints a very different picture. So you don't want to be his mom anymore. Can't blame you for that. I'm sure mommy will be glad to take back her job if she had that hard a time letting go the first time.
> 
> The videos are still funny IMO
> 
> ...


His mom is dead.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

prunus said:


> I will be filing once I get back home. Once he leaves the house in a few weeks, the kids and I can go back.
> 
> We have worked out who will pay what for now. It is a community property state.
> 
> Yes, there are some things we are both on. The bank account will be closed soon. I will take care of anything that has my name on it, even if his name is on it, too. I know I'll pay it. For now, that works for me.


In a community property state, even if only his name is not a bill, the company can come over you, his spouse, if he does not pay it. That's the concern. If he has no idea how to go about paying bills, it could hurt you to leave him to pay the bills in his name only.


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## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> In a community property state, even if only his name is not a bill, the company can come over you, his spouse, if he does not pay it. That's the concern. If he has no idea how to go about paying bills, it could hurt you to leave him to pay the bills in his name only.


Oops, I hit enter too soon.


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## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> In a community property state, even if only his name is not a bill, the company can come over you, his spouse, if he does not pay it. That's the concern. If he has no idea how to go about paying bills, it could hurt you to leave him to pay the bills in his name only.


Yes, I am aware.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

prunus said:


> His mom is dead.




Well sucks to be him. Time to grow up I guess. Don't let his needs outweigh yours, but sounds like m preaching to the choir


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I wouldn't NEED a rubber band on my wrist or to draw a sad face with his name next to it in order to keep myself from talking to him.

Just the fact that Father of the Year is planning on deserting his kids by moving back in with his daddy - over 1,000 miles away - says it *all*. Is he really THAT developmentally and emotionally stunted that he's not even capable of getting his own apartment and acting like a grownup?

No wonder you kicked him to the curb. Better late than never, I guess.


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## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Is he really THAT developmentally and emotionally stunted that he's not even capable of getting his own apartment and acting like a grownup?


As sad as it is, I think so.


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