# The "R" word (resentment)



## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

I keep coming across resentment as being the big obstacle to a couple having sex. I know in my case my wife says I have done things that she keeps replaying in her head, and it keeps her from being able to give in and have sex. 

I tell her "If you simply can't forgive me, lets just get a divorce". I mean if someones transgressions are so grevious they can't be forgiven, why stick around?

Then she backtracks, and says she "forgives", but can't "forget"
....At this point I throw down the bull$hit card. I mean, it makes no difference if it is a sheep or a goat in the end they both mean "no sex for chuck" right.....

How many of you folks get the big "R" as a flimsy excuse for no sex?:scratchhead:


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

I think that's a terrible excuse for no sex.

It is probably bullsh!t like you say.

If it's true then she needs to process it in counseling or by some other means. 

But just keeping in her back pocket as a weapon to use whenever she wants? 

I'd be looking for the exit sign.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

Oh, and if she can't have sex because of it then she hasn't forgiven you. Period.

The definition of forgiveness might as well be "sex life is as good as it was before".


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

I never get that as an excuse as my problem is related to abuse as a child (for her). I have done my fair share of mean things in the past and I think that if I felt or sensed this type of behavior I doubt I'd feel any love for her. So that's my question? Do you love her despite the fact that she can't forget. Has she done anything that you have been able to forget (that is equal on the resentment scale). What about cards and other things where she expresses her feelings for you? Are they standard 'xoxoxo luv you' or are they heartfelt words. I am dealing with a very slow sex routine but the things we talk about as partners are very deep meaningful conversations that leave no doubt how my wife feels and therefore I want to be in the relationship. If I felt like my wife was just hanging around out of convenience I doubt I would even bother trying anymore. The punishment I receive is not really premeditated - but in your case it sounds he is really punishing you. I don't know why she is so resentful but sounds very mean and kind of ridiculous...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

You need to stop that crap dead in it's tracks. 

Call her out on it, instantly.

Draw a clear line. Tell her clearly that either she lets it go, or the two of you end it and move on. But, in no case will she ever use it against you again, period.

This is a classic sh!t test and should be smacked down hard.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

The unforgivable incident was about 4 years ago. She felt ill and went to the doctor, upper resp. thing...

I was working, and her girl friend was taking her to the doctor every couple of days. After a couple of weeks, she was healthy to the point that her temp, heart rate, bp, and all the usual signs were back to normal...The dr. said he could find no reason for her to feel ill. 

I took her to several specialists, infectious disease, allergist, pulmonary specialist, all said there was nothing wrong with her...except allergy to her cat, for which she gets allergy shots.

In the mean time when I was home she wanted me to wait on her every need, while she was on the couch. One day we were both watching a tv show, when she said she wanted some soup and a coke. The show had about 10 minutes to run, so I decided to watch it to the conclusion...BAD DECISION...

She started screaming that I didn't care about her welfare, and yadda yadda yadda....I was a lazy ba$tard for not getting her snack right fuc%ing now....

She went to the fridge, still yelling, and at that point in what I call a hissy fit. She started shaking and said I had upset her and had to take her to the hospital "right now!!!!!".....

That was the unforgivable event. No I did not take her to the hospial, and no, no one ever found her to have any trace of actual illness.......

She has a girl friend who is a borderline hypochondriac, and my wife seems to want to be one too.....She is in pain management because she seems to by hyper sensitive to pain. she has some bulging discs, but they are not really giving her trouble, her problem seems to be more fear of pain than actual pain...

At any rate, that was my unforgivable act, and not a week passes that I am not reminded of it, or told how when she became old and ill, I will be a lousy caretaker.....


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> The unforgivable incident was about 4 years ago. She felt ill and went to the doctor, upper resp. thing...
> 
> I was working, and her girl friend was taking her to the doctor every couple of days. After a couple of weeks, she was healthy to the point that her temp, heart rate, bp, and all the usual signs were back to normal...The dr. said he could find no reason for her to feel ill.
> 
> ...


Is this a fracking joke?

You didn't get her a bowl of soup 4 years ago?

Sh!t test is right. You proved yourself a pu$$y by not putting her back in her place at that time. And every time she uses it against you you seem like an even bigger pu$$y for putting up with this. She sees you as a pu$$y and that's while she doesn't want you sexually.

Go read MSSL, run Athol's MAP program. Basically you need to put your foot down, stop catering to her ridiculous behavior, and make her fear that that you are getting ready to leave. Then she will want to bang you.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

east2west said:


> Is this a fracking joke?
> 
> You didn't get her a bowl of soup 4 years ago?
> 
> ...


Well, she might not want to bang him, and that's why she treats him so bad. So, if he puts the smack down she will respect him, but she still might not want him. But for sure nothing will change the way things are now, and the respect alone is worth putting her in her place.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

"Resentment" is legitimate! And it can bederived from both factual occurences as well as from the far reaches of the imagination. In either event, it is totally deadly as far as lovemaking, intimacy, and even common civility goes.

You don't deserve to have to put up with that crap! You need to exercise your option in "moving on." Do the 180!


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

DTO said:


> Well, she might not want to bang him, and that's why she treats him so bad. So, if he puts the smack down she will respect him, but she still might not want him. But for sure nothing will change the way things are now, and the respect alone is worth putting her in her place.


I am not making a big sympathy play here, (well mabe just a little) About 12 weeks ago I was scheduled for prostate surgery...I told her a week before that it would probably go well, but there was a possibility that it would leave me impotent, and that we might not be able to have sex EVER AGAIN.....With that news, she made a half hearted effort the night before my operation....Does that really suck or what?

As far as putting my foot down, lately it seems that if we have a big blowout about sex, if I go ballistic and go AWOL for a few hours, she will come in heat within 24 hours????

All kidding aside, I truly love my wife, and she has had some really hard times lately due to 2 deaths in her family. It just seems that her family keeps calling her, bringing up bad memories and not letting her heal. She is also on a drug for the past few months that can cause depression and rages. I am trying to be patient, while making sure she knows sex is a necessity for me.....


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

That's just plain weird.

You are a doormat.

My ex H really did do some awful things that caused real resentment. I was very ill, had to have surgery and in the weeks leading up to it was the sickest I have ever been in my life. He neglected me and acted like a total a$$.

What you did was nothing like that. In fact it sounds like she is used to treating you poorly and walking all over you, so now she has no respect for you at all.

That's why she doesn't want to have sex with you.


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## sweaty teddy (Nov 13, 2012)

what do you love about a person who treats you like that?

no kids? move on and be happy


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Her resentment doesn't prevent her from stuffing her face with the fruits of your labor. She puts out or gets out. She's eaten quite enough cake. Does she imagine that everything she's ever done has always blown your skirt up? Free this poor, oppressed soul and let her find that magical man who will never fall short of her lofty expectations. Clearly, she deserves much better than she has and she needs to hit the streets immediately in search of a Mr. Wonderful who will always be thrilled with her crap but will never disappoint her.


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

The next time she brings it up, try this.

Stop her mid-sentence.

Very calmly, but sternly ask her "What do you need to get over this?"

Her answer will be some crap about how shes just unhaaaaaaappppyyy.

Then look her dead in the eyes and say "OK, you have had your chance to express yourself, now never fuc**** throw this in my face again, I am sick of it" Then calmly walk away and leave for a few hours.


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## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> The unforgivable incident was about 4 years ago. She felt ill and went to the doctor, upper resp. thing...
> 
> I was working, and her girl friend was taking her to the doctor every couple of days. After a couple of weeks, she was healthy to the point that her temp, heart rate, bp, and all the usual signs were back to normal...The dr. said he could find no reason for her to feel ill.
> 
> ...




That is no way to live. I know I've been there. You really can't win against this kind of manipulation. She's using a your "mistake" as an excuse not to have sex. I promise you there are other reasons having nothing to do with what happened four years ago. You need to get to the bottom of it. If she loves you she will work with you to fix your marriage if she doesn't, get out of it. Life is too short to be in a marriage like that.

When my stbx kept throwing the same things in my face that he resented and just couldn't get over my IC told me to say, "That is in the past, I have apologized for it and I will not ever discuss it again. It's your choice to let it go or not, but I'm done with it." She hasn't let it go because she is able to hold you hostage with it. Is that really a quality you want in a wife, partner, or lover?


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

cantmove said:


> That is no way to live. I know I've been there. You really can't win against this kind of manipulation. She's using a your "mistake" as an excuse not to have sex. I promise you there are other reasons having nothing to do with what happened four years ago. You need to get to the bottom of it. If she loves you she will work with you to fix your marriage if she doesn't, get out of it. Life is too short to be in a marriage like that.
> 
> When my stbx kept throwing the same things in my face that he resented and just couldn't get over my IC told me to say, "That is in the past, I have apologized for it and I will not ever discuss it again. It's your choice to let it go or not, but I'm done with it." She hasn't let it go because she is able to hold you hostage with it. Is that really a quality you want in a wife, partner, or lover?


I am the sole caregiver of my 97 year old father...He is quite well off, and I will inherit several hundred thousand dollars....

Should I get a divorce now, so she could only get half of what we currently have, and offer her the opportunity to live with her new rich ex as husband and wife, with the provision that her behavior go's through a dramatic transformation for the better?????

It would sure put some teeth into "My way or the highway"


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Tell her that its time for counseling or for splitting up. Fighting over a bowl of soup? You are not her servant and that is not a reason to hold a grudge. Her anger is about something else that she isn't confronting. Time to confront it or let go.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

My wife is the same way. Over the past week, I had got her to acknowledge her resentments towards me and it seemed as though we turned the page to a new chapter in our lives. Passionate kissing came back and an interest in sex also seemed to be present. I'm not sure exactly what happened between then and now, but she has resorted back to her negative thinking and blaming me for the loss of our home to foreclosure. Now she is asking me to setup her other bed in the spare bedroom, as that is where she plans to sleep, since she can't be with me. 
I am done playing her head games...today, for the first time ever will I tell her I want a divorce. She has threatened this to me so many times in the past, and I have always played Mr Nice Guy and begged and pleaded for her to stay. Oh, what a fool I have been. The ball is now in my court and I don't intend on losing any longer. There is no room for this type of manipulation in my life. She is holding onto something I did in the past as reason to be upset with me today, which then gives her the power to control me...until now...my foot is being placed firmly on the ground and it will be her that has to change or she might as well pack her bags.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

IndyTM said:


> My wife is the same way. Over the past week, I had got her to acknowledge her resentments towards me and it seemed as though we turned the page to a new chapter in our lives. Passionate kissing came back and an interest in sex also seemed to be present. I'm not sure exactly what happened between then and now, but she has resorted back to her negative thinking and blaming me for the loss of our home to foreclosure. Now she is asking me to setup her other bed in the spare bedroom, as that is where she plans to sleep, since she can't be with me.
> I am done playing her head games...today, for the first time ever will I tell her I want a divorce. She has threatened this to me so many times in the past, and I have always played Mr Nice Guy and begged and pleaded for her to stay. Oh, what a fool I have been. The ball is now in my court and I don't intend on losing any longer. There is no room for this type of manipulation in my life. She is holding onto something I did in the past as reason to be upset with me today, which then gives her the power to control me...until now...my foot is being placed firmly on the ground and it will be her that has to change or she might as well pack her bags.


Same thing happened to me last week, hot sex one night, back to fuc$ you the next day....Getting tired of the split personality...


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## discouraged1 (Mar 16, 2010)

Woodchuck said:


> The unforgivable incident was about 4 years ago. She felt ill and went to the doctor, upper resp. thing...
> 
> I was working, and her girl friend was taking her to the doctor every couple of days. After a couple of weeks, she was healthy to the point that her temp, heart rate, bp, and all the usual signs were back to normal...The dr. said he could find no reason for her to feel ill.
> 
> ...


I would put the breaks on this right now... what a crock of --it! She is basically holding you hostage over a bowl of soup? I would have her mentally evaluated or you need to get checked for letting her pull one over on you... TOTAL BS!:scratchhead:


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

Some partners love to be miserable - seriously, no kidding. They can't handle change and actual happiness is uncomfortable for them. You can't change them, only they can. If you are going to inherit a nice chunk of change, better get out now.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> Same thing happened to me last week, hot sex one night, back to fuc$ you the next day....Getting tired of the split personality...


My wife is currently in denial. She somehow thinks that since she doesn't currently have a job, that I will delay my insistence for a divorce, as I wouldn't put her out on the street without the ability to support herself. I told her she'd best find a job real quick.
The manipulation card can no longer work on me...if she is willing to throw our marriage away over something I did in the past and cannot get past it, there is no reason for us to be together. Last weekend, she agreed to put it all behind her...we had a great evening of passionate kissing and touching. Over the course of this past week, parts of the past crept back into her head and she now finds it necessary to still be upset with my past actions. She refuses to let it go, so I shall let her go!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Resentment Test* on 1st line in this thread.... & some good links to explore >> 








http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...l-etc-how-robs-us-intimacy-we-crave-most.html


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