# Help, I'm in an unusual position? refering to emotional affair



## jo.n (Jul 12, 2012)

My wife and I met 5 years ago, we fell in love and fast forward... are now married with two beautiful children. This story starts about two months ago when a good friend of ours' was diagnosed with a terminal Illness, we will refer to this friend as "Lisa". We were both devastated at the news. We live in a small town and this friend is at a hospital over 150miles away in a large city. Following her diagnoses, my wife would frequently travel to the city to visit Lisa. I would stay home with the kids while she would be gone. She is MUCH closer to lisa then I, so I felt she should be the one to visit. After a few visits, she was invited to stay with lisa's family. Lisa's brother is my wife's co-worker and would sometimes car pool with my wife down to the city, especially after my wife was invited to stay with the family We will refer to this guy as "steve". During one visit, Lisa told my wife to help steve during this hard time. Lisa was especially worried about steve because years ago when he lost his other sister, steve went "off the deep end". His depression led him into the wrong crowd, but he managed to get his act back together. Lisa asked my wife to help steve get through this hard time by being his friend and being there if he needed someone to talk to. This is the kind of request that someone just can't say no to. I obviously agreed this was a very good thing for her do to, especially considering what steve is going through. When visiting Lisa, my wife would spend most, if not all, of her time with steve. She would tell me storys of playing board games and talking about Lisa and the situation. Well, this friendship has gown. In fact it's gown way out my comfort zone. While back home in our small town, she started visiting steve at his house. And these "comforting talks" turned into playing games, drinking beer, watching movies (at home), and other activities that although innocent, did start to make me wonder how much she enjoyed this time with him. But, my real concern started when she had "a few too many beers" and decided to stay the night at his house. I told her truthfully that driving drunk is something I'm glad she decided not to do, but that I was uncomfortable with her staying at a single guy's house all night, she told me she was sorry, nothing happened, she slept by herself on the coutch and that I have nothing to worry about. I started to get a little worried and insecure about this friendship. And When I would talk to her about it, she would say it was "unattractive" of me to be insecure and that I should not worry. Well not more then a week later she stayed the night again. This time, she told me she would be home around 11, and I asked her to let me know when she was leaving. By 11 I sent her a text message asking when she was leaving, and I received no reply. After an hour of sending messages and calling, I finally send steve a message and asked when she left, ten minutes later she called. She said she had a few beers and did not feel comfortable driving home so she went to sleep and that's why she didn't answer my messages. I wanted to scream! I can't believe that not only did she do this to me again after I had told her it bugged me, but she didn't even let me know she was gonna stay! When she came home the next morning, I confronted her and asked if anything was "going on". She assured me that nothing was going on, but were just good fiends. To summarize a long conversation, she admitted that she has mild feelings for this guy, she thinks he's "a good looking guy" and very much enjoys their friendship, she said she can tell him things that she cant tell me. My heart was broken. I left crying and I could tell she truly felt bad. We've had many talks now and to make a long story short, she is still friends with him and seems to care less about my feelings. She sends text messages all day, every day and won't let me read them. During one of her visits to steve, she told him that I've been uncomfortable with this and steve sent me a text message apologzing for "spending so much time with my wife, nothings going on, I don't want to hurt your family, We just talk and hang out. I've got nobody else I can talk to here" It took me 3 hrs to think of a reply. I wrote back saying that "my wife and I have had a great relationship for the last 5 years, but she's changed. I feel like shes growing apart from me and growing closer to you" 

I don't know what to do, I truly trust that nothing has been "going on" in terms of a sexual affair. I do give steve credit for talking to me about it and although it made me feel a little better, I still feel like the marriage is a mess. We argue frequently about this friendship, and this arguing is causing even more problems. I truly feel like she enjoys spending time with him because there are no kids, to chores, and nothing to worry about. I don't think she's planning on having a sexual affair, but I feel absolutely horrible about this. I feel like shes escaping not just me, but the whole family. She has had a lot of stress with her new (at home) job and she likes to escape the stress and arguing. She's putting him in front of me emotionally and I CANT STAND IT!!!!! She promises she won't break up our family, but she doesn't seem to think it's as big of a deal as I'm making it out to be. She frequently tells me "If I didn't want to be with him, I would have left my now"

I feel like I'm stuck in between a rock and a hard place. because of Steve's situation and his dying sisters request to my wife, I feel very guilty trying to interfere. Sorry to blab on forever, but I don't know what to do. Please, any advice would be greatly appreciated !


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Despite the request of a dying person, your wife is having an affair with Steve. All their laughing, playing games, drinking, SPENDING THE NIGHTS TOGETHER.

Dude, open your eyes!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Your wife IS having an affair. She is prioritizing Steve over you and opening up to him about your worries and concerns. Does she also share his feelings with you? Nope.

She is at a minimum in an EA, but the staying over night etc. says it is likely gone PA by now.

Sorry, but you need to pull the plug on this now. No more seeing Steve at all. Ask her to take a polygraph to prove there has been no PA, not even and holding or kissing.

Franky a married woman should never be hanging with another man at his house, watching movies, drinking beer. That's a relationship. If anything the dying friend should have asked to you to befriend Steve. I think it's quite clear Steve ade a play for your wife during those car tris and now he is having an affair with her.

So standard stuff here then: drop a var under her car seat. Get into her phone and read those texts, and truly be prepared for the worst.

Also arrange the next time she pulls staying over night to have her bags packed and outside when she returns the next morning. You are going to have to play hardball to break up the affair, including filing for D.

You should move this thread over to coping with infidelity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

GET THIS BOOK.

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"


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## jo.n (Jul 12, 2012)

I don't want a divorce. I just want my wife back. I mean, we just got back from our honeymoon 2 months ago! She is having a lot of stress about lisa dying and her new job (which I will happily admit must be a very stressful job) she's changed, not just with steve, but overall. Even before this crap started. I want to heal her. But most of all, I just want her to come running to my arms! I miss her.

One part of me wants to just YELL, SCREAM, FIGHT, and get a DIVORCE, but a bigger part of me wants what we had back.

I feel JUST like Jim Croce's song "lovers cross"

"You were trying to make me your myrtr
thats the one thing I just wouln't do
baby I cant hang upon
no lovers cross for you,

I hope you could find another
who could take WHAT I COULD NOT
he'd have to be a super guy
or even a super god!"


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Think back,did this change begin with early contact with Steve or accelerate because of it.

OF course you don't want a divorce that is why standing up and not compromising on boundaries is essential here. So Steve hasn't a friend in the world? Yet somehow your wife and he just refectory click? Is your wife that unique? 

And what about the future? I S she going to be spending multiple nights a week going to hs place etc? Taking care of him? She is puting him first over your family. 

If it hasn't gone PA I assure you it will and soon. Steve is latching on to her bug time,and she is accepting it. Well Steve's got needs like any other man, guess who he will be turning to to take care of those needs. 

If he needs company so much, why isn't he at your place? I'll tell you why, because over at hs place they can be together.


I am not trying to be mean to you here. I am trying to get you to see this situation for what it really is. Do not btw, try to win her back by crying and telling her how much you miss her etc. that will only lower you in attractiveness.

Consider reading the married man sex life primer, it talks about threat situations like this.

If you won't go the D and packing her bags when she doesn't come home, then you should drive there unannounced and see what is going on. I bet the only light you find on will be in the bedroom.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

jo.n said:


> I don't want a divorce. I just want my wife back. I mean, we just got back from our honeymoon 2 months ago! She is having a lot of stress about lisa dying and her new job (which I will happily admit must be a very stressful job) she's changed, not just with steve, but overall. Even before this crap started. I want to heal her. But most of all, I just want her to come running to my arms! I miss her.
> 
> One part of me wants to just YELL, SCREAM, FIGHT, and get a DIVORCE, but a bigger part of me wants what we had back.
> 
> ...




I understand your position. And you have every right to be seriously concerned,because you_ trusted her to comfort him_.
Ask yourself this:
What manner of man would steal from a man that went out of his way to help him?
Maybe, just maybe, they deserve each other.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

jo.n said:


> One part of me wants to just YELL, SCREAM, FIGHT, and get a DIVORCE, but a bigger part of me wants what we had back.


 If you want to save your marraige, your best odds to do this is to "YELL, SCREAM, FIGHT", and be willing to "get a DIVORCE" if she does not go full not contact with the other man (OM). Do this now. Do not wait. She may try to call your bluff, so you should not be bluffing. 

Also, I suspect that you are being played the fool by this whole dying wish thing. I am sure that your wife's dying friend asked her to look out for her brother, but I am just as sure that she did not mean for her to get drunk and sleep at her brother's house. Besides, your wife's friend is looking out for her brother and not you. You have a right to protect your marraige. She has no right to tell you that your wife can have an affair with her brother. That is not her call. Your marraige is yours not hers. Man up right now.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

This would NOT be happening in my house or there would be major fights every single time it occured! :nono:


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## Nigel (Mar 14, 2012)

Can't Steve come and stay at your house instead? If nothing's going on I'm sure he and your wife won't mind sitting on your sofa watching movies with you as well. That way you can all support Steve and at the same time you can sit in between them on the sofa
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You should create a thread over in Coping with Infidelity as well as read the stories over there. Sadly your tale is all too familiar.


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## Ansley (Apr 5, 2010)

This happens more than you think. I dont mean to fuel the fire but after my mother passed away, her best friend was comforting my dad. Her husband too had been there through my mothers illness. Six months later she divorced her husband. She and my dad have been together ever since. Im happy that they are together. My dad was lonely and obviously her 30 year marriage wasnt what it was cracked up to be. However it would have never happened if they werent comforting each other after my mothers death.

In a nutshell, if you want your wife to stay "your wife"....stop this as soon as you can.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Put this back on your wife, and do it immediately. If it was the request of a dying friend, tell your wife that if she wants to be able to support that request, her relationship with the brother has to change immediately. I'm just saying that it is normal to support friends in their time of need, and many do that without being the shoulder to cry on for an unmarried man. Promising to support a family doesn't always have to be the package deal, where she drops her marriage and is no longer your wife. If she needs to be close to another man, she can do this with you, or with the conditions that both of you accept.

My wife works in the medical care of the dying. She is attractive, and I can't tell you how many times men who are family members use this to try to start a relationship when she is in the patients home frequently. We've had stalkers, lovesick lonely men, you name it. Thankfully, my wife goes into these emotional situations with her eyes wide open. She would never spend an evening alone with an unmarried man, even if it was the brother of her closest friend. I think that your wife has allowed her good intentions to be taken advantage of, thinking initially that this was doing the right thing. Then the affair started.

Certainly, the two of you shared a common vision of what it meant to be faithful when you first got together. Some people talk about this more than others. What would you allow concerning friendships with the other sex, etc? Those kinds of questions. Use these accepted norms as your discussion starters with her. If it wasn't something you discussed, establish your boundaries, and start enforcing what it takes to stay married. Things like no time alone with this guy. Full honesty about what really happened.

I've been around the block for a decade or two more than you, I guess. If she stayed the night, and the technology of her phone suddenly decides to become unreliable, its hard to believe certain assertions that she would make. Unfortunately, people become very vulnerable to affairs at times like this, and men like the brother take advantage of it. Responding sooner rather than later might be your only chance to save this. And you can do it with empathy for their situation.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

jo.n said:


> I don't want a divorce. I just want my wife back. I mean, we just got back from our honeymoon 2 months ago!


This is no bueno.

She is already in an EA (yes, she is having an affair, there doesn’t have to be penetration for it to be “official”) this early in the M then that’s a bad sign that she is not marriage material. Everything she is doing with him she should be doing with her husband, a wife does NOT become all buddy-buddy with another man. That is highly inappropriate. 

You have to understand that in order to save your marriage; you have to be willing to end it. Being passive and taking a weak “wait and see” attitude will fail. You have to take action and are going to have to do things you don’t want to do in order to save this. At the same time, you need to see her for what she really is and how she has been disrespecting you and ask yourself if being with her is in your best interest. Most wives don’t act this way.



> She is having a lot of stress about lisa dying and her new job (which I will happily admit must be a very stressful job) she's changed, not just with steve, but overall. Even before this crap started. I want to heal her. But most of all, I just want her to come running to my arms! I miss her.


She is not going to come to you if you chase her. The more “beta” and nice you act, the more repelled she will be.

You can't fix her and trying will just make things worse so don't.


> One part of me wants to just YELL, SCREAM, FIGHT, and get a DIVORCE, but a bigger part of me wants what we had back.


What you think you had might have all been in your head. 

Like I said before, if you want to save your M, be prepared to end it. She needs a wakeup call and that should be letting her know you are going to walk out the door because of her disrespectful behavior. Odds are she has fooled around with the OM already, you need to be mentally prepared for that (if she hasn’t it’s just a matter of time). She will not give up the A without a fight so get ready to file for a D if it comes to that (don’t worry, only about half the people that file actually get a D).

Tough love buddy, don’t get stuck in limbo and don’t let her make the rules. Act like a man, that’s all women want from us in the end even if that means kicking them to the curb.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

I can remember back when I first moved in with my ex she had this creepy older guy "James" hangin around, who was the maintenance guy for that community and was doing some handyman work for her after her divorce from her 2nd husband. Well after awhile I decided to take over those duties and politely told the guy he was not needed anymore, because he was creeping me out and hanging around waaaaay too much, and even though he was 20 years older than my wife I think he had "eyes" for her but she _naively_ didn't think so.

So he was told to...........BEAT IT!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Tell her she either chooses your marriage or Steve.

YOu must mean it too.

Right now she is cake-eating extraordinarily so and you are allowing her. 

No more contact with that guy. She should NOT be spending the night with him.

That whole thing about her saying she'd be home at 11 and then not coming home or answering her phone when you called and then you messaged him and all of a sudden she calls you... saying she feel asleep:

YEAH
RIGHT

Sometimes things are EXACTLY what they seem.

The fact she's confessed she can tell him stuff she can't tell you and she finds him attractive = NOOOOOOOOOOO GOOD for your marriage.

She is choosing him over you everytime she has contact with him and you know it.

If she has nothing to hide, she wouldn't hide her phone.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Tell her she either chooses your marriage or Steve.
> 
> YOu must mean it too.
> 
> ...


If this were my wife and it happened more than 1 time she would either have to total STOP, or we would be splitting up soon after that.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

jo.n said:


> *My wife and I met 5 years ago*, we fell in love and fast forward... are now married *with two beautiful children.* This story starts about two months ago when a good friend of ours' was diagnosed with a terminal Illness, we will refer to this friend as "Lisa".





jo.n said:


> I don't want a divorce. I just want my wife back. I mean, *we just got back from our honeymoon 2 months ago! *



Let see if I got this right...


Met 5 years ago. Have 2 kids. Went on honeymoon 2 months ago.

I presume you just got married?


So, back from a honeymoon 2 months ago, she starts getting involved with another man.

And she has stayed with this other man overnight twice?

Doesn't look good. Doesn't say much of what she thinks of your marriage.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I repeat: GET THIS BOOK

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

I would explain to your wife that Steve needs some male companionship and that you are going to take her place for a while or introduce Steve to some male friends of your own.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

anony2 said:


> I would explain to your wife that Steve needs some male companionship and that you are going to take her place for a while or introduce Steve to some male friends of your own.



And then stay overnight with him for a few nights. Take him to a strip club. Then tell your wife how much fun he had with other girls.

Watch her get jealous.



(btw, she had sex with him, in case you havent figured that out yet.)


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I don't care who died thier not going to f^ck with my marriage! I suggest you show some confidence in your self. Chicks dig confident men, and don't cry in front of her that is unattractive.

Dude I think your chick needs to see a man that won't take sh!t and will protect his marriage. I mean she can except this kind of protecttion just like you can tolorate this emotional torture. 

In short both of you have choice, and boudries are needed so if they are crossed or respected then the both of you can see the choices the other spouse has made in the marriage.

BTW we all know your don't want a divorce, especially your cheating wife....thats why she continues the affair.


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