# Should I say I'm sorry?



## nj85 (Nov 17, 2013)

A little background, I'm a navy vet, now navy dependent. I'm attending school full time so I get a living allowance from the VA every month. I currently am not working, and don't have any children. My husband and I decided I should just focus on school. 

I know this is long...but I'm confused and don't know if what I did was inconsiderate, or if it was ok? Please be honest.

We've been at our new location for a little over a year and I find it very boring. I haven't made any real friends and pretty much stay home all day. I've never not worked, and I'm getting tired of having to take care of all the household duties, and my school work with no help (that’s another complaint for another day). I talked to my husband about getting a part-time job next semester (I’ll have a lighter course load), because I'm board and want to contribute more to our savings. He always tells me, "It's fine, you don't have to work, you don't need to work" etc. Anyway, I told him I was thinking about a part-time retail job on base. He seemed so-so about it. Two days ago I signed up on a babysitting site and in less than 24 hours someone wanted to interview me for a position starting in January. After I had made my profile on the site and signed up, I told my husband. He seemed fine. Thought it was good, but reminded me that I didn't need to work. Then tonight, I was talking about how I was nevouse about my interview and he got mad at me, saying I should have talked to him first before signing up on the site. He doesn't like that I "just went and did it" he said its like I didn't even care what he thought. He was so mad, that he actually left the house. He's never done that before. It upsets me that he's upset about this. He wants me to apologize, but I'm not sorry. I want a job and I have no children....so I don't see what the big deal is.


----------



## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

How old are you two and how long have you been married?
Has he been married before? If so, why was he divorced?
Have you spoken to anyone about his personality history from before you met him? (His family and friends)
What is his normal way of working through conflict of interest?
Do you have joint bank account access?


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

How much household duties do you have with no kids? You are not wrong to want a job, your own money, etc. Your husband may be a little controlling.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I would kill for a partner who didn't ever want me to work! 

LOL. 

No but seriously, tell him you want your own cash and also to get out of the house some. He should understand.


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

If he works and you don't.... then I think you don't get to complain about household chores. Unless of course you live on a farm and ALL the animal upkeep is yours. Then I could understand.

Be grown. Sheesh.

If you want a job, get a job. PERIOD. 

Who cares if he gets pissy about it. Isn't that HIS problem??? He can't possibly justify it.... so it's all him. 

What you do with the money may matter... since THAT is a marital issue.


----------



## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

If she is in school full time, that is her job. I wouldn't say it negates him from helping as classes require out of the house time as well as study time. It's not like she's sitting watching soap operas all day, eating bon bons.


----------



## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Sorry, nothing useful to add but it does seem like there is more to the story for now.

Given the OP's information at face value, if the husband had no issues with the signing up at first, then has a melt-down when it becomes closer to reality....something seems off.

As others have mentioned, you two are adults and should be able to work this out.

Good luck.


----------



## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

He seems to have control issues.Why this persistent line of telling you that you don't have to work? That reminds me way too much of a man who wants to keep his wife under his thumb. I'm wondering if he'll become less supportive of your schooling when you get closer to graduation...

FTR,I don't think you did anything wrong.


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

If you are in school and working be careful that you can still invest in the relationship.

Apparently you cannot tell us his reasons, that is very telling.

It sounds like he is unable to articulate them to you. He can tell you what he wants but not tell you why. And then he gets mad, that sounds a little passive aggressive, and very male of him.

BTW It would be helpful if you would answer some of the questions asked in the posts above.

This sounds like a communication problem at least, some men need to be more self reflective and understand why they feel the way they do. This will help them to explain it as well.


You have a role here as well, he likely feels like he has not been understood, or respected (I know he did not explain himself).

You have every right to disagree with him, but do it in a way that he knows he has been heard and respected, and then be firm.

His behavior of getting mad and leaving illustrates (like a mirror) what he is feeling, and I think it is what I have said.

He may be embarrassed to admit his reasons once he realizes them.

Try this "In order to apologies I need to understand the offense." Find out the why.

If he thinks that you have no right to your own opinion then he is being disrespectful to you.

It would be good to have some consensus here, for that to happen, both have to speak honestly, listen sympathetically, and respect mutually.

The alternative is to build walls of resentment between you with the bricks of unresolved conflict.

Don't sacrifice respect to achieve appeasement and don't assert self-interest at the expense of the relationship.

Take care!


----------

