# Q's for spouses who are wanting more



## Bellaballoo (Jul 13, 2017)

Just trying to understand a few things so I'd like some opinions from the spouse who is unhappy with the frequency and spice of your sex life. 

1. How far away are you from the sex life you are wanting?
2. How does it affect how you treat your spouse?
3. What have you tried to bridge the gap?
4. If you know your spouse is trying to compromise, what's your reaction to that?
5. Do you blame your spouse for not wanting as much or the same stuff as you?
6. What do you think are acceptable and unacceptable methods of trying to get your needs met?
7 Would you ever insist that your spouse do something knowing it made them uncomfortable?

Thanks


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## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

I'm pretty far from the sex life I am wanting. I find myself fantasizing less about sex with my husband and more with random people I see on the street. It affects the way I treat my spouse by me being less accepting of his masterbation. In a healthy relationship I think that people need their own time, but I feel like since I am lacking what I want that that rational side of me goes out the window. I don't blame my spouse but I do resent him sometimes. I wouldn't insist on my spouse doing something he's uncomfortable with. I don't think that's fair at all. No idea what acceptable methods of getting my needs met are. I just know I can't get them met outside of my relationship, as badly as I sometimes want to. 

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## 247769 (May 18, 2016)

1. How far away are you from the sex life you are wanting?
Pretty far away, I'm adventurous she's not

2. How does it affect how you treat your spouse?
It causes a wall between the two of emotionally

3. What have you tried to bridge the gap?
Gifts, rewards, positive reinforcement and negative reinforcement

4. If you know your spouse is trying to compromise, what's your reaction to that?
She is trying again now, I'm very supportive and willing to compromise my feelings

5. Do you blame your spouse for not wanting as much or the same stuff as you?
Yes

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## Bellaballoo (Jul 13, 2017)

Oops. I did this twice. I thought the first one didn't work! Can the powers that be please delete this?


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## 247769 (May 18, 2016)

6. What do you think are acceptable and unacceptable methods of trying to get your needs met?
Whatever works personally for me anything short of cheating or divorce

7 Would you ever insist that your spouse do something knowing it made them uncomfortable?
Yes, if they are not willing to try it then they'll never be able to make an informed decision on the act

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## Bellaballoo (Jul 13, 2017)

peterrabbit said:


> 6. What do you think are acceptable and unacceptable methods of trying to get your needs met?
> Whatever works personally for me anything short of cheating or divorce
> 
> 7 Would you ever insist that your spouse do something knowing it made them uncomfortable?
> ...



About #7, assuming she had tried it and didn't like it, would you continue to make her do it?


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## Bellaballoo (Jul 13, 2017)

Can I ask also, why do you blame your spouse for wanting less? And do you blame yourself for wanting more?


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## 247769 (May 18, 2016)

Make her no, but if it was something I really liked I would encourage her to keep trying to see if she would learn to like it if for no other reason to please me. If it's something she just can't do, I would compromise for the sake of love

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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

@Bellaballoo

I get why you're trying to understand a HD person's POV, but please understand that your situation is not a normal representation of a typical LD/HD dynamic. Not by far. Your ex is a piece of crap for what he put you through. That's not the kind of thing that happens, even in a "normal" (if that word applies) LD/HD relationship.

People have different libidos, hangups and preferences. But how you treat another human being is irrespective of all of that.


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## 247769 (May 18, 2016)

Bellaballoo said:


> Can I ask also, why do you blame your spouse for wanting less? And do you blame yourself for wanting more?


This is a double edged sword, if she loves me she should put my feelings above her own and if I need more she should try to meet my needs however, if I love her I should the same by putting her feelings before my own. The reason for refusing is the Crux of the issue

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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Bellaballoo said:


> About #7, assuming she had tried it and didn't like it, would you continue to make her do it?


 I certainly wouldn't expect my spouse to do something that they felt was wrong, and I wouldn't expect them to try it even once if they felt that strongly about it. 
It's not all about us, it's about loving our spouse and respecting them.
Compromise is important as well. 
It also depends on what it is you are referring to.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

1. How far away are you from the sex life you are wanting?
Over the past decade, sexual frequency has ranged from 1x/week to 1x/2 months. (better more recently, and to be fair, there were times when she had legitmate physical limitations). At this point, it's impossible to tell how far that is from what I'd like since it's been so long since I've gotten what I'd like. I've grown, matured, changed, settled down; aged. I'm guessing I'd be pretty darn happy with 2x/week and 3x/week would fulfill my wildest dreams at this point. In addition to additional frequency, I'd also like to see more enthusiasm, appreciation, and variety. Those things are more difficult to quantify.

2. How does it affect how you treat your spouse?
I try to not let it affect how I treat my spouse, and I always try to reassure my spouse I love her no matter what. That said, there are times when I just get cranky in general from lack of sex. There are also times resentment builds up and I eventually get less touchy/affectionate. I work hard to not let those go on or deteriorate further. 

3. What have you tried to bridge the gap?
Explain my desires. Explain that it's not about the sex itself, the orgasm, just being horny. It's about the togetherness that is unique to sharing physical intimacy. Explain that, at least for me, it's an important part of a well rounded relationship.

4. If you know your spouse is trying to compromise, what's your reaction to that?
On the rare and short-lived occasions of extra effort on her part, I'm generally very pleased. It is emotionally satisfying and highly appreciated. The effort can be more impressive than the actual result and it also contributes to bonding. There have been a couple times when my instinct was to think "too little, too late" and actually increase resentment, but I'm usually able to tame those thoughts pretty quick. 

5. Do you blame your spouse for not wanting as much or the same stuff as you?
That's not really a simple binary (yes or no) question. It's a mix. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Sometimes partly. We want what we want and we may as well ask someone who likes apricots but hates strawberries to change their taste in produce, so you can't blame someone for what they like and, by extension, what they want. The but comes in when I think about all the things I do specifically to help myself want to do what she likes (go to an opera, eat health foods, provide a high income) and don't see reciprocation. While it's impossible to change core tastes, there are things we can do to facilitate or enhance certain desires. 

6. What do you think are acceptable and unacceptable methods of trying to get your needs met?
That's going to be situational and individual dependent in most cases. Certainly there are things which are always unacceptable. But for the most part, a proper strategy in one case may not be right in another case, or for another couple. 

7 Would you ever insist that your spouse do something knowing it made them uncomfortable?
No. However, I would like to know why some things make her uncomfortable in the first place. With understanding, I could free myself of the desire, or she could free herself of the discomfort. Just like in virtually every other aspect of a relationship, open, honest, effective communication is essential. 


It's also important for me to note that, whatever disappointment I may express in 1-7 above, overall, I have a mighty fine marriage which has, on balance, been quite wonderful. The love we have for each other, and the commitment we have to our union, has always been far stronger than differences in libido. While I might grouse occasionally about a less than perfect sex life, it's never been bad enough for me to forget all the positives, and my love, appreciation, and respect for my wife would never allow me to mistreat her in any way, no matter how neglected I may feel.


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## leon2100 (May 13, 2015)

If my wife wanted sex as much as I do, then we would screw ourselves to death. Thank goodness one of us has a pause button!!


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## Bellaballoo (Jul 13, 2017)

Fozzy said:


> @Bellaballoo
> 
> I get why you're trying to understand a HD person's POV, but please understand that your situation is not a normal representation of a typical LD/HD dynamic. Not by far. Your ex is a piece of crap for what he put you through. That's not the kind of thing that happens, even in a "normal" (if that word applies) LD/HD relationship.
> 
> People have different libidos, hangups and preferences. But how you treat another human being is irrespective of all of that.


Yeah I guess I do have a really hard time seeing that sometimes. I find myself mentally justifying his actions as an understandable response to a very sexually frustrated man. I'm kind of hoping that if I can see several examples of how people normally treat eachother under those circumstances, I will be able to decisively say the way he treated me was wrong.

I know that sounds a little crazy. Sometimes I think I may be!


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## Bellaballoo (Jul 13, 2017)

peterrabbit said:


> 1. How far away are you from the sex life you are wanting?
> Pretty far away, I'm adventurous she's not
> 
> 2. How does it affect how you treat your spouse?
> ...


Can I ask what negative reinforcement looks like?

Also, I'm kind of curious, you blame her for not having the same desires as you. Do you equally blame yourself for not being more like her? Like, I imagine if there was anything she could do to increase her drive you would be quite upset if she wouldn't try. Would you be equally willing to decrease your sex drive if it were possible to make it not so hard on her?


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## Bellaballoo (Jul 13, 2017)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> 1. How far away are you from the sex life you are wanting?
> Over the past decade, sexual frequency has ranged from 1x/week to 1x/2 months. (better more recently, and to be fair, there were times when she had legitmate physical limitations). At this point, it's impossible to tell how far that is from what I'd like since it's been so long since I've gotten what I'd like. I've grown, matured, changed, settled down; aged. I'm guessing I'd be pretty darn happy with 2x/week and 3x/week would fulfill my wildest dreams at this point. In addition to additional frequency, I'd also like to see more enthusiasm, appreciation, and variety. Those things are more difficult to quantify.
> 
> 2. How does it affect how you treat your spouse?
> ...


Thanks for your answer. I found it really helpful to get perspective and I think your wife is a very lucky lady!

Can I ask what you would say are always unacceptable ways of getting what you feel you need? I know that sounds like a pretty daft question! But I'm curious where the line is drawn on that from a man who obviously respects his wife.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

@Bellabaloo I think you should ask those replying in this thread to read your other thread and tell you if they would consider the ways your ex handled things would be appropriate.

You will then see how different your situation is than the usual LD/HD relationship.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Bellaballoo said:


> Fozzy said:
> 
> 
> > @Bellaballoo
> ...


You aren't crazy. You are an abuse survivor, and many survivors can't see the reality of the abuse for quite a long time sometimes.

You loved this person, and can't reconcile in your mind how they could be so horrible to you, so your mind seeks ways to make the abuse seem justified.

That ends up back at a typical place abuse survivors go to..."it must have been my fault somehow".

Have you done any reading about abuse in general? If not, you really need to. So that you can get out of the abused mindset and free yourself from the feeling that it must have been caused by you somehow.

There are a lot of good resources for you about this, but you have to be ready to accept that it wasn't your fault. It is difficult to get your mind around this at first, but the more you understand about the abusive dynamic, the more you will see that you did not deserve the abuse.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Bellaballoo said:


> Thanks for your answer. I found it really helpful to get perspective and I think your wife is a very lucky lady!
> 
> Can I ask what you would say are always unacceptable ways of getting what you feel you need? I know that sounds like a pretty daft question! But I'm curious where the line is drawn on that from a man who obviously respects his wife.


That's s hard question to answer... not daft, but just really hard because anything inappropriate is just very distasteful to me. And exactly where to draw the line is hard to pin down. The most obvious answer would be to physically force sex on someone who didn't freely and willfully consent. Also, to levy emotional abuse and verbally badger an unwilling or uncomfortable partner into performing an unwanted act. Those are sever examples. I might add less extreme examples like yelling, denigrating speech, or even pouting or other passive aggressive behavior.

The bottom line for me is that the only things which are acceptable, are those which promote mutual pleasure. Anything which only serves one but at the expense of the other is inherently unacceptable. Personally, I can't comprehend why any man would want anything that would upset someone he supposedly loves.

I understand you have a previous thread that more explains your specific situation. Feel free to share that link if you think it might help me more directly answer your question.


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## Bellaballoo (Jul 13, 2017)

Faithful Wife said:


> You aren't crazy. You are an abuse survivor, and many survivors can't see the reality of the abuse for quite a long time sometimes.
> 
> You loved this person, and can't reconcile in your mind how they could be so horrible to you, so your mind seeks ways to make the abuse seem justified.
> 
> ...


I've not done much reading on abuse, no. I guess my idea of abuse is more physical violence so the label doesn't seem to fit. I just don't want to believe I was in an abusive relationship if I wasn't. 

I will see if I can track down a good book on the topic. I just really want to move on from this.


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## Bellaballoo (Jul 13, 2017)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> That's s hard question to answer... not daft, but just really hard because anything inappropriate is just very distasteful to me. And exactly where to draw the line is hard to pin down. The most obvious answer would be to physically force sex on someone who didn't freely and willfully consent. Also, to levy emotional abuse and verbally badger an unwilling or uncomfortable partner into performing an unwanted act. Those are sever examples. I might add less extreme examples like yelling, denigrating speech, or even pouting or other passive aggressive behavior.
> 
> The bottom line for me is that the only things which are acceptable, are those which promote mutual pleasure. Anything which only serves one but at the expense of the other is inherently unacceptable. Personally, I can't comprehend why any man would want anything that would upset someone he supposedly loves.
> 
> I understand you have a previous thread that more explains your specific situation. Feel free to share that link if you think it might help me more directly answer your question.


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/387617-sex-nightmare.html

That is the link to the post, but you pretty much did answer my question. Was quite surprised that you found badgering your partner to do something she didn't want to be a severe example. I really must read about what emotional abuse is as well. I guess my picture of abuse is physical violence, and because I didn't experience a lot of that, I didn't see my relationship as abusive.


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## Olorin (Jun 5, 2016)

I echo what Faithful Wife has said so well. You were in an abusive relationship that is nothing like a 'normal' LD/HD situation. Your ex behaved horribly, selfishly, and to say that he did not love you is an understatement of the highest magnitude. A husband should cherish his wife, and it is clear that this was never his intention. I think that in addition to getting reading about what an abusive relationship looks like, you might seek counseling to help you see the fact that you were totally the victim.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Bellaballoo said:


> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/387617-sex-nightmare.html
> 
> That is the link to the post, but you pretty much did answer my question. Was quite surprised that you found badgering your partner to do something she didn't want to be a severe example. I really must read about what emotional abuse is as well. I guess my picture of abuse is physical violence, and because I didn't experience a lot of that, I didn't see my relationship as abusive.


Thanks for the link. I do remember reading the original post and opting out of responding because all I could think of to say was"I'm sorry" and I knew some of the other regular posters would be able to contribute more.

It's good you are divorced from this man. Hopefully, you have some sort of support network (friends, family, church, social club). You've got a tough life there with your children; hopefully you've looked into resources for parents of special needs children as well.

Bless you and take care.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

@BellaBaloo I get what you are trying to do but it really isn't your job to "understand" your ex's abuse and mistreatment. It's your job to get away from him, keep away from him and heal from the trauma he has inflicted upon you. 

All you need to understand is that he is a disordered, evil monster that is bad and that needs to be kept away. 

Think of it like Charles Manson. The criminalists and the prison shrinks may have a reason to try to "understand" him so they can use that information to help people avoid monsters like him and to help police learn about people like him so that it can help them to catch people him and lock them up and throw away the key. 

But his victims on the other hand really don't need to know what motivated him to attack them - they only need to know how to get away from him and keep him away and to recover from their trauma. 

Your ex is an evil and bad person. He inflicted great harm and trauma upon you and he did it because he is an evil person who hurts others and not because he was sexually dissatisfied. 

He is not like a normal, decent, healthy, caring person who is dissatisfied with their sex life and wants to improve it. 

He was an evil, harmful criminal who is probably going to molest a child or rape someone or assault someone one of these days and go to jail. 

That will be a good place for him because that will keep him away from children and other potential victims and it will give him a chance to be butt raped. 

You are a good person in that you want to seek understanding. But it is time and energy misplaced and for the wrong reason. We really do not need to 'understand' evil. We just need to recognize it, stop it, and keep it from harming ourselves and others in the future. 

Like I said, this is not a case of a normal, decent spouse and parent who wishes they had a more active and satisfying marital love life. This was a predator and a criminal and a person of bad character who harms others for his own pleasure.


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

Bellaballoo said:


> Just trying to understand a few things so I'd like some opinions from the spouse who is unhappy with the frequency and spice of your sex life.
> 
> 1. How far away are you from the sex life you are wanting?
> 2. How does it affect how you treat your spouse?
> ...


1. I'd be satisfied with sex 3 - 4 times per week (even happier 5 - 7 times per week). With the exception of her trying to get pregnant with our two kids (in which she did a complete 180 on me). You'd never know my wife even possesses a sex drive at all. At best, I'm lucky to get it once per month from her. On top of that, the few times I do get sex. It's the passionless "duty sex". She really shows no enthusiasm at all (and yes, I do know what I'm doing in the bedroom...).

2. I try not to let it, but I know I do. The resentment builds every time I get turned down and it's extremely frustrating. 

3. I more than pull my weight around the house, give her complements for things she does, give her little physical gestures like rubbing her or back massages, help with the kids, etc. She's not big on spending money, so little gestures like flowers or candy have backfired on me as much as they've worked...

4. If that's her idea of "compromise," it's no wonder her first marriage ended...

5. Yes. 100%. We had a frequent amount of sex leading up to the wedding. Afterwards, something turned off and within a few months, it was down to almost nothing - and this happened long before the kids, so I know this was not a factor in the change.

6. Hmm...
Unacceptable methods include: Cheating, coercion, any type of forced sex/rape, drugging, or anything else even close to not allowing one partner means of consent.
Acceptable methods: If you figure out any that work, please let me know (As of now, most of my needs get met watching adult entertainment along with my mistress, Mary Jane...).

7. Maybe, yes. But you'd have to understand that my wife is a very vanilla, "inside the box," type of person. She was raised to believe that anything remotely outside of normal was wrong and should be avoided (lots of super catholics in her family). Since we met, I've introduced her to many things (not even bedroom related, just in general) that she was wary to try at first but ended up loving. It's a hard question to answer though, because "insisting" denotes being a little more forceful than I'd feel comfortable with myself...


PS: I read your other post. I'm very sorry for the ordeal that you had to go through. It sounds like you are finding a much better for yourself now. Good luck and best wishes to you...


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Bellaballoo said:


> Just trying to understand a few things so I'd like some opinions from the spouse who is unhappy with the frequency and spice of your sex life.
> 
> 1. How far away are you from the sex life you are wanting?
> 2. How does it affect how you treat your spouse?
> ...


Now that all being said, I do think there is some benefit in you seeing how normal, decent people deal with discrepancy in sex drive so you can compare and contrast.

In my situation, my wife and I had an extraordinary sex life for many years. Over time (22 years this fall) things like kids, bills, some relationship issues, age, weight gain, hair loss and especially menopause have taken its toll on her libido until our sex life is nothing even resembling what it used to be. 

While my libido has slowly declined over the years (I am 53) hers dropped off the cliff several years ago. 

So to answer your questions -

1. I am not quite far away enough to actually leave yet. I'm still holding out hope that I can live with this. It's not really a matter of how many times per week or frequency, but rather quality and actually experiencing some desire and interest and energy. It's lacking enough that I am pretty dissatisfied and frustrated, but not dismal enough to actually throw in the towel yet.

2. I have gotten to the point where it has caused me to lose a lot of passion and desire for her. I don't mistreat her at all, but a lot of the "specialness" and "cherish" has faded. I probably treat her more like a friend and roommate now as opposed to a 'special someone' and I really miss that. 

3. I've spent hours in gym, change my wardrobe, whitened teeth, colored my facial hair etc, tried to become more flirty and seductive etc. date nights, candlelight dinners, massages etc. we have had some relationship issues so went to a couple different counsellors. We have been to doctors as she was having "female" issues and she had a uterine ablation and was on hormones for awhile. She has an estrogen patch now etc. and we have had many discussions, some of which she attacked me in defensiveness and accused me of only caring about sex etc. 

4. I haven't left yet. If someone is at least trying, it's hard for me to throw in the towel. However I do struggle with the fact someone has to "try" in order to want to be with me. Is it fair and ethical of me to remain with someone who has to "try" in order to be with me sexually. Isn't that something people should just do naturally? I am struggling with this aspect of it.

5. No. Everyone has their own likes and dislikes and has their own sex drive and sexual thermostat settings. If someone doesn't want to have sex with me, it's either my fault for not being sexy enough or it is just not their preference. 

6. The only acceptable method is to make your interests known and ask to try it nicely and then accept it if the answer is no. If I have a particular need or interest, it is my responsibility to make it enjoyable for the other person. If they don't like it, I must accept that and not try to pressure, manipulate or coerce them into doing it. 

7. No. I only want to do things that people want to do with me. It is a total turn off for me if someone is not comfortable or does not want to do the same things as me. If someone was uncomfortable being sexual with me or didn't like the things I like, there really wouldn't even be another date and I would not continue even dating them and I certainly would not remain in a relationship with them or Heaven forbid, marry them.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Bellaballoo said:


> Just trying to understand a few things so I'd like some opinions from the spouse who is unhappy with the frequency and spice of your sex life.
> 
> 1. How far away are you from the sex life you are wanting?
> *Pretty far. I want multiple times a week, and a variety of positions. We have increased to maybe every other week (from once a month). Our variety has dropped from 1 position, to hands. *
> ...


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

1. How far away are you from the sex life you are wanting?

Very far. I would like far more frequency and variety than my wife does.

2. How does it affect how you treat your spouse?

It leaves me frustrated and resentful. I do my best not to show it, but the result is that I am often distant - treating my wife like a friend or business partner, not a lover.

3. What have you tried to bridge the gap?

Yes, but its such a wide gap. Things I think of as a normal part of sex like oral, she thinks of as a special once every few years special activity. 

4. If you know your spouse is trying to compromise, what's your reaction to that?

I know she is trying. I'm trying. I don't blame her, but the gap is so big.

5. Do you blame your spouse for not wanting as much or the same stuff as you?

I don't think either of us is to blame, but the gap is very wide. Sometimes I don't understand why she can't do some things for me - they seem like they would be easy for her to do. 

6. What do you think are acceptable and unacceptable methods of trying to get your needs met?

Asking is fine. Pressuring is not. Threatening to leave is not OK, but leaving is OK. (I almost did once about 5 years ago).

7 Would you ever insist that your spouse do something knowing it made them uncomfortable?

Never ever "insist" on something sexual. 


Peoples interest vary a lot, and some couples simply should not be in a sexual relationship. I think this is why it is so important for couples to be sexually active before they get into a committed relationship.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

uhtred said:


> 1. How far away are you from the sex life you are wanting?
> 
> Very far. I would like far more frequency and variety than my wife does.
> 
> ...


I think the opposite, that sex is better if you wait.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

... Not if you happen to have a partner with extreme sexual dysfunction that you didn't discover until after marriage.... Because you waited.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> I think the opposite, that sex is better if you wait.


This is one of the great fallacies that the world tries to sell.

Sexual compatibility and "waiting" have nothing to do with each other. Compatibility and chemistry are either there fairly early in a relationship or they are not there at all. "Waiting" does not generate it or assure it. If there is an attraction and desire and chemistry to begin with, waiting may make people inpatient and yearn a little more, but if it's not there to begin with, waiting is not going to generate it or create it. It just makes you used to not doing it and makes you ok with settling for not having it.

Some of the most compatible people I have ever been with the chemistry could have been cut with a knife and some of the best sex was within hours of meeting.

The people that I dated for months hoping the desire and Chemistry would appear or grow never did. 

People need to get to know someone well enough to realize there is an attraction and they need to be comfortable enough to know the other isn't an ax murderer or killer clown or something, but waiting just for sake of waiting does nothing but increase the chances one of the party's will lose interest and move on.


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## Wife5362 (Oct 30, 2013)

1. How far away are you from the sex life you are wanting?
At about once a week or slightly less of not very passionate (boring, very vanilla), whereas my ideal would be 3 times per week with some enthusiasm and apparent passion from him.
2. How does it affect how you treat your spouse? 
how it affects my thoughts of him - Resentful, sad, angry at times, regretful for wasted years of trying for improvement. How it affects my actions towards him - not sure. I think years ago, I detached somewhat.
3. What have you tried to bridge the gap?
Me - Finally discussing it (5 years ago), suggestions for us, reading, etc. Him - going along with whatever I drive, but doing nothing on his own to seek improvement.
4. If you know your spouse is trying to compromise, what's your reaction to that?
Somewhat happy that at least he is doing a bit, but not entirely satisfied that he cares to do anything more to change more.
5. Do you blame your spouse for not wanting as much or the same stuff as you?
Yes, to a degree, but can I blame him for being who he is? I blame myself more for not insisting on discussions and changes years ago.
6. What do you think are acceptable and unacceptable methods of trying to get your needs met?
For me, there is no acceptable means other than divorcing and seeking a new partner or accept things the way they are.
7 Would you ever insist that your spouse do something knowing it made them uncomfortable?
Sexual act - no. Who wants to feel like they had to force their patrner to do something they don't want to do? 
Discussion or reading - yes.


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## Bellaballoo (Jul 13, 2017)

Olorin said:


> I echo what Faithful Wife has said so well. You were in an abusive relationship that is nothing like a 'normal' LD/HD situation. Your ex behaved horribly, selfishly, and to say that he did not love you is an understatement of the highest magnitude. A husband should cherish his wife, and it is clear that this was never his intention. I think that in addition to getting reading about what an abusive relationship looks like, you might seek counseling to help you see the fact that you were totally the victim.


Thanks, I'm thinking about counselling. I find the idea slightly mortifying.


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## Bellaballoo (Jul 13, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> @BellaBaloo I get what you are trying to do but it really isn't your job to "understand" your ex's abuse and mistreatment. It's your job to get away from him, keep away from him and heal from the trauma he has inflicted upon you.
> 
> All you need to understand is that he is a disordered, evil monster that is bad and that needs to be kept away.
> 
> ...


I see what you're saying, but I guess I feel that if I don't have a good grip on what is an acceptable response to the situation he felt he was in, I'm not going to be able to stop wondering if what I experienced was truly as evil as it seems it was. He blamed me for his unhappiness and the consequences of it for a couple decades. The feelings of shame and guilt aren't letting up easily. I always seem to circle back in my thoughts to that and it's causing me a tremendous amount of anxiety and depression lately.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Bellaballoo said:


> I see what you're saying, but I guess I feel that if I don't have a good grip on what is an acceptable response to the situation he felt he was in, I'm not going to be able to stop wondering if what I experienced was truly as evil as it seems it was. He blamed me for his unhappiness and the consequences of it for a couple decades. The feelings of shame and guilt aren't letting up easily. I always seem to circle back in my thoughts to that and it's causing me a tremendous amount of anxiety and depression lately.


And that is exactly why everyone is urging you to seek therapy.

This was a trauma and an injury that you endured. I understand you aren't comfortable seeking treatment for this.

But think of it this way, it is not comfortable getting a cast on a broken arm, but if you broke your arm, you would seek treatment for that wouldn't you???

So WH is this any different. You received an injury that is still effecting you and causing you problems just like a broken arm would. So accept the initial and temporary discomfort of getting treatment so you can heal and recover effectively in the long term.


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## Bellaballoo (Jul 13, 2017)

You are quite right . Were it a physical injury, I'd have no problem taking my butt into a doctor. 

So many people telling me that therapy is the way to go, I would be foolish not to listen. 


It just sucks.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

If it helps at all, I am a woman who enjoys some (most, really) of the sexual practices you mentioned your ex liked. How I have historically handled being with someone who didn't enjoy those things was not to pressure or behave badly, I'd just simply end the relationship in favor of being with someone who also enjoyed my kinks. Note the key word there: enjoy. It's never ok to put pressure on someone to perform sexual acts they do not wish to perform. Besides, the passion and enthusiasm would be lacking and it wouldn't be any fun, anyway.

So, speaking as someone who is kinky and enjoys a lot of what you mentioned you weren't into, I'm going with the general consensus and saying your ex was a complete knob.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

If you are lucky enough to end up with someone who is compatible, that could well be true. OTOH, if you end up with a life-long commitment to someone and then discover that you are completely incompatible, you are setting both of you up for a lifetime of misery. No now wants to leave the love of their lives over sex, yet they cannot be happy with a bad sex life. 

If you have never experienced serious incompatibility, it may be difficult to imagine what it is like. 



Diana7 said:


> I think the opposite, that sex is better if you wait.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

uhtred said:


> If you are lucky enough to end up with someone who is compatible, that could well be true. OTOH, if you end up with a life-long commitment to someone and then discover that you are completely incompatible, you are setting both of you up for a lifetime of misery. No now wants to leave the love of their lives over sex, yet they cannot be happy with a bad sex life.
> 
> If you have never experienced serious incompatibility, it may be difficult to imagine what it is like.


Like I said, the compatibility is either there from the git-go or it isn't. 'Waiting' does not create or assure compatibility. 

Now what I will say what waiting can do is reveal a person's character. Predators, manipulators, narcissists, borderline personality disordered and a whole host of other bad apples can put on a charming front and play the part of a decent person for awhile. But in time all of them will show their true colors. 

A bad apple as rotten as the OP's husband may have been charming and appeared to be decent initially, but at some point fairly early his rotten core had to have been showing through. 

The lesson to be learned here I think is not so much about waiting to have sex so that the sex is good. Because the sex is either going to be good or it's going to be bad whether you wait or whether you get down on the first date. The part that is critical to take your time and evaluate closely is the other person's character and DO NOT MAKE ANY COMMITTMENTS until you have been through at least 4 seasons and know their family history and have seen first hand how they treat people and if they are disordered or manipulative or entitled or treat any bad. 

I really don't care when people have sex. Just be careful and mindful and discriminating when it comes to people's character and how they treat you and treat people in general. And when you see red flags - take them seriously!!!


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

peterrabbit said:


> 7 Would you ever insist that your spouse do something knowing it made them uncomfortable?
> Yes, if they are not willing to try it then they'll never be able to make an informed decision on the act


they say to get them to try something twice. the first time there is the shock of doing something kinky and new. the 2nd time, the shock is over and they can really judge if they like it or not. They might say "oh i did not like that", and then spend the next week fantasizing about it, hoping you will ask them to do it again


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Livvie said:


> ... Not if you happen to have a partner with extreme sexual dysfunction that you didn't discover until after marriage.... Because you waited.


That why you communicate deeply about it before you marry and have sex.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

uhtred said:


> If you are lucky enough to end up with someone who is compatible, that could well be true. OTOH, if you end up with a life-long commitment to someone and then discover that you are completely incompatible, you are setting both of you up for a lifetime of misery. No now wants to leave the love of their lives over sex, yet they cannot be happy with a bad sex life.
> 
> If you have never experienced serious incompatibility, it may be difficult to imagine what it is like.


Marriage is about being unselfish and thinking of your partner.It's also about compromise. So there will usually be a way you can meet in the middle in what you want. Communicating about sex before marriage is very important. Interesting that we have a better sex life when we waited than I did with my first husband when we didn't wait for marriage. Having sex before marriage guarantees nothing.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Talker67 said:


> they say to get them to try something twice. the first time there is the shock of doing something kinky and new. the 2nd time, the shock is over and they can really judge if they like it or not. They might say "oh i did not like that", and then spend the next week fantasizing about it, hoping you will ask them to do it again


There are things that are just a no no for some people and they should never be forced or coerced.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Livvie said:


> ... Not if you happen to have a partner with extreme sexual dysfunction that you didn't discover until after marriage.... Because you waited.


i can see people who are deeply conservatively religious, waiting for sex. But you have to go into that sort of deal KNOWING there is a high risk the partner will NEVER be good in bed. AND being deeply religious, that would NOT be a valid reason to divorce them. 

If great sex is important to you...you had better kick the tires BEFORE you take that jalopy out for a ride. You do not have to become a ****, but after things get serious, like betrothal, i would for sure want to try them out for sex.


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## Bellaballoo (Jul 13, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> Like I said, the compatibility is either there from the git-go or it isn't. 'Waiting' does not create or assure compatibility.
> 
> Now what I will say what waiting can do is reveal a person's character. Predators, manipulators, narcissists, borderline personality disordered and a whole host of other bad apples can put on a charming front and play the part of a decent person for awhile. But in time all of them will show their true colors.
> 
> ...


In retrospect, I do see those red flags. However at the time, they really were not easy to spot! There were lots of good times too, and I was also reeling from my father's death, so my head wasn't on quite straight, I think. I was longing for stability. Honestly, there's a reason people from all walks of life, race, socioeconomic status, ect, end up in bad or abusive relationships. I never thought I'd be that person who put up with such crap. And I still waver on whether or not I even experienced it. It's super confusing to go through.


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## Bellaballoo (Jul 13, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> That why you communicate deeply about it before you marry and have sex.


Except that ideas and reality don't always work together, especially for young people who really haven't experienced much of a sex life if any. I could totally see how good communication and waiting could work for a second relationship. Not really for a first though.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Bellaballoo said:


> Except that ideas and reality don't always work together, especially for young people who really haven't experienced much of a sex life if any. I could totally see how good communication and waiting could work for a second relationship. Not really for a first though.




Why would it work for a second one if it didn't for the first? I'm pretty sure there's only ONE person here that thinks it's a good idea to wait. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Talker67 said:


> i can see people who are deeply conservatively religious, waiting for sex. But you have to go into that sort of deal KNOWING there is a high risk the partner will NEVER be good in bed. AND being deeply religious, that would NOT be a valid reason to divorce them.
> 
> If great sex is important to you...you had better kick the tires BEFORE you take that jalopy out for a ride. You do not have to become a ****, but after things get serious, like betrothal, i would for sure want to try them out for sex.


We are both Christians and sex before marriage was a no no, but we discussed it a lot and knew we were on the same page. We also know that compromise and working things out together is needed in all marriages. 
Marriage is about so many things, sex being one of them, there is no way I would end my marriage if my husband was unable to have sex again.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Talker67 said:
> 
> 
> > i can see people who are deeply conservatively religious, waiting for sex. But you have to go into that sort of deal KNOWING there is a high risk the partner will NEVER be good in bed. AND being deeply religious, that would NOT be a valid reason to divorce them.
> ...


That might be different if you were in your twenties and wanted to have children.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Livvie said:


> That might be different if you were in your twenties and wanted to have children.


Or felt sharing sex was an essential part of any sexual relationship.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> That why you communicate deeply about it before you marry and have sex.


Communication is great and all, but Bellaballoo is totally correct that an idea of something isn't the same as the reality of it. 



Bellaballoo said:


> Except that ideas and reality don't always work together, especially for young people who really haven't experienced much of a sex life if any. I could totally see how good communication and waiting could work for a second relationship. Not really for a first though.


The reality of performing a certain act or acts with one partner is not the same as the reality experienced when performing those same acts with a different partner. Even having experienced and enjoyed those certain acts in a prior relationship is no guarantee one would enjoy them in their current relationship.


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## Finwe (Nov 5, 2015)

1. How far away are you from the sex life you are wanting?
We are about 3x/month what is best described as quickies. I would like 2x/week with more adventure.

2. How does it affect how you treat your spouse?
I have had the talk. She knows. I have an instinct to hold back affection and romance is virtually non-existent or forced. I work hard to overcome this instinct. She wants to schedule an overnight date without the 
kids and I have 0 inspiration. I just view it as an expense as our dates in the past, any romance or fun doesn't seem to work out. How do I treat her? I am a dutiful husband that finds extensive affection and 
romance emotionally painful. I am working on getting through this, myself.

3. What have you tried to bridge the gap?
I have had at least three talks over the years. Went MC a couple of times, not related to poor sex life.

4. If you know your spouse is trying to compromise, what's your reaction to that?
I think my wife is trying to compromise, she just can't bring herself to be more adventurous. 

5. Do you blame your spouse for not wanting as much or the same stuff as you?
No. We are all different.

6. What do you think are acceptable and unacceptable methods of trying to get your needs met?
I could continue to talk to her or go to counseling. 

7 Would you ever insist that your spouse do something knowing it made them uncomfortable?
No way. Insist? The repercussions in the marriage would be terrible.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

1. Far, far away
2. Pre-separation, H and I treated each other like roommates
3. Yes, I have
4. H hadn't tried to compromise or suggest we try new things in bed until about a month before we separated. The reaction I had in my head was: "why?" 
5. No, I blame myself for saying "yes" in the first place
6. Acceptable methods are communicating openly and honestly, and trying new things that both parties are comfortable with. 
7 Never


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> That why you communicate deeply about it before you marry and have sex.


If both are virgins, they could agree that after getting married, they will communicate openly about sexual needs. That is better than nothing, but they won't know themselves yet if they will have a high, low, or non-existent sex drive for each other.


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

Her ex didn't abuse her, he has a much different sexual barometer and wanted his wife on par with him. They were not sexually compatible, but from reading the post he never forced anything on his wife. Maybe he just likes butt play? I'm not into having my butt played with but millions of gay men can't be wrong right? I've also licked my wife's butthole she loves it, it's not all the time but when the moment is right... The OP didn't want anal so he stopped and asked her to give it to him via strap-on, again not abusive. Taking on the side piece was wrong but again doesn't qualify as abuse.

Sex addict is a term people use to describe people with different sexual needs than them. They don't understand why uninspired sex once a week isn't enough, must be the porn they're watching and sex addiction...


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## Bellaballoo (Jul 13, 2017)

knobcreek said:


> Her ex didn't abuse her, he has a much different sexual barometer and wanted his wife on par with him. They were not sexually compatible, but from reading the post he never forced anything on his wife. Maybe he just likes butt play? I'm not into having my butt played with but millions of gay men can't be wrong right? I've also licked my wife's butthole she loves it, it's not all the time but when the moment is right... The OP didn't want anal so he stopped and asked her to give it to him via strap-on, again not abusive. Taking on the side piece was wrong but again doesn't qualify as abuse.
> 
> Sex addict is a term people use to describe people with different sexual needs than them. They don't understand why uninspired sex once a week isn't enough, must be the porn they're watching and sex addiction...


I go back and forth on this a lot. He didn't physically force me, but there were a lot of times where I couldn't say no either. So I don't know.

Just editing because I was rethinking this. His difference in tastes wasn't wrong. I hope I never insinuated that. Looking over the responses that sexually frustrated spouses have made on this thread though... his reaction to his frustration was wrong (and trying to come to a conclusion on that was the point of this thread). I'm not reading from people here that it's okay to manipulate, belittle, pressure, or threaten to get these needs met.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Bellaballoo said:


> I go back and forth on this a lot. He didn't physically force me, but there were a lot of times where I couldn't say no either. So I don't know.


If you felt you literally couldn't say no, as if your wishes would not be respected and/or you'd be somehow punished then you were, in effect, forced.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I just deleted a thread jack that was one member attacking another member and then others stood up for the attacked member.

If you see someone attacking another member, please don't perpetuate the attack and thread jack by responding. Instead use the report button and report the post. That will send an email to all the moderators and admins. Someone will be along to take care of the attacking post.

Moderators cannot possibly read every single post on TAM. We largely rely on members to help keep the forums free of offensive and attacking post. 

So thinks to the person who did report this instance. 

Now to the attacker..............

Do not attack another member on the open forum. If you object to a post, use the report button and report that post.

A wide range of points of view are allowed on TAM. I read posts all that time that make me cringe. But they are allowed as long as members are not name calling, attacking, arguing, or otherwise breaking forum rules.

If you are bothered by the posts of a particular member, please feel free to block that member so that you do not see their posts.

{posting as a moderator}


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ETA... about the thread jack. If you want to discuss the topic of religion, posting on TAM based on religious beliefs, etc. Start a thread. I'll even move the now deleted posts to that thread... with the attacked member's name removed of course.

If that's what you all want, let me know.


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## spawn2031 (Jul 19, 2017)

Bellaballoo said:


> Just trying to understand a few things so I'd like some opinions from the spouse who is unhappy with the frequency and spice of your sex life.
> 
> 1. How far away are you from the sex life you are wanting?
> 2. How does it affect how you treat your spouse?
> ...


1) Far. It's pretty much all duty sex with no initiation from here and has been that way a few years now.

2) I try my best to not let it affect that considering that I fear if I get angry about it, it'll just make the duty sex stop as well.

3) Talking, too much talking I think. Tried toys also durring duty sex to try and make sure she gets an O every time. My theory is if she physically enjoys it more, maybe it'll wake her drive back up.

5) No. But I do blame her for not trying very hard to help rekindle her drive.

6) I dont think anything is out of bounds as long as it's kept in the marriage and both parties are agreeable. You never know what might jump start things.

7) Never. I would think that would only add to the problem.


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

Bellaballoo said:


> 1. How far away are you from the sex life you are wanting?


Not far away at all. It just keeps getting better and better the longer we are together, which is over 20-1/2 years now.



Bellaballoo said:


> 2. How does it affect how you treat your spouse?


I treat my spouse with the utmost respect, mainly because I actually DO respect her. The sex just makes us get along with each other better. The little things don't bother us as much anymore.



Bellaballoo said:


> 3. What have you tried to bridge the gap?


There was a time in our marriage where it was pretty rocky, and it was mainly my fault. I won't go into detail, but I wasn't nearly as good a person as I could be. That changed 180 degrees when I committed my life to Christ. The nonbelievers won't understand, but it's all good. Trust me, it was the best thing that ever happened to me, and our marriage.



Bellaballoo said:


> 4. If you know your spouse is trying to compromise, what's your reaction to that?


It shows me that she is committed, and loves me. If it is something I know she doesn't won't I don't feel good about it at all, so I definitely don't try to put her in a compromising position.



Bellaballoo said:


> 5. Do you blame your spouse for not wanting as much or the same stuff as you?


No, we're pretty much on the same level there. We still do things we don't particularly enjoy just because we know it makes the other happy. Pleasing each other is what makes us happy, and any compromise brings joy in the end.



Bellaballoo said:


> 6. What do you think are acceptable and unacceptable methods of trying to get your needs met?


Acceptable: speak up, say what you need and why! You absolutely have to be able to communicate.
Unacceptable: whining about it, emotional blackmail, and withhold and reward when getting your way.



Bellaballoo said:


> 7 Would you ever insist that your spouse do something knowing it made them uncomfortable?


Tough question because anytime you try something new it could make you feel uncomfortable. I think it depends on whether it is an actual "need" or not. The point is, sometimes we all have to step out of our comfort zone to make an informed decision on "comfort" level for the ones we love.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

If he pressured you, then I think almost everyone agrees that he was wrong.

What constitutes pressure is open to discussion. Is it unreasonable pressure to say that without X you will be unhappy? Is it reasonable to say that you want X or you will ask for a divorce?

I think its a somewhat tricky question. 






Bellaballoo said:


> I go back and forth on this a lot. He didn't physically force me, but there were a lot of times where I couldn't say no either. So I don't know.
> 
> Just editing because I was rethinking this. His difference in tastes wasn't wrong. I hope I never insinuated that. Looking over the responses that sexually frustrated spouses have made on this thread though... his reaction to his frustration was wrong (and trying to come to a conclusion on that was the point of this thread). I'm not reading from people here that it's okay to manipulate, belittle, pressure, or threaten to get these needs met.


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## Jason Bourne (Jul 30, 2017)

Funny  
On a serious note, i'm sure if couples would be busy screwing each other more, they would be less tempted to look outside the fence.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think there are a variety of reasons people cheat. Lack of sex is one of them, so in those cases I agree. 



Jason Bourne said:


> Funny
> On a serious note, i'm sure if couples would be busy screwing each other more, they would be less tempted to look outside the fence.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

uhtred said:


> If he pressured you, then I think almost everyone agrees that he was wrong.
> 
> What constitutes pressure is open to discussion. Is it unreasonable pressure to say that without X you will be unhappy? Is it reasonable to say that you want X or you will ask for a divorce?
> 
> I think its a somewhat tricky question.


It comes down to the objective of the ultimatum.

If it is a bona fide boundary and deal breaker, then it is being open and upfront and allowing someone to make an informed decision while knowing the ramifications. 

If it is doing it to make someone do what you want even though they don't like it and you are using duress to get tem to comply with your wishes, then it is manipulation and pressure.


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

This is a great post, I think you can tell from the responses that many couples are on other ends of the spectrum when it comes to sex and needs. My wife has such a higher drive then me as I try to compromise with her needs I still don't feel like I am doing what I need to to keep her sexually satisfied. I just need a clone that can keep going. lol


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