# Should I Stay or Should I Go



## guearyt (Apr 30, 2021)

Hello everyone. I'm a new member looking for an answer. The questionable situation I want advice on is....
My wife's daughter, son n law, and wife's daughter's good friend are having a birthday party for my wife's grandchild and daughter's friend's child. Both turning age four. I do realize they are my step children. This party is an annual party and my wife and I are invited along with my wife's X and his wife along with my wife's mother, my mother n law.
My mother n law is the reason for this question. Every time we have this gathering, or any others like it, my mother n law clings to my wife's X as if she is a groupie. She totally ignores me and snubs me until the X leaves. Then she comes to me and expects me to carry on with her as if all is well. And I do. I act as if all is well while I am really hurt by her actions. My wife sees this happen every time but won't say anything about it to her mom. I feel there should be separate birthday parties so that X's don't have to be around each other. I do stress this to my wife but her comeback is always, "It wouldn't bother me". 
If I didn't go to the party this time, would I be wrong? Should my wife talk about this situation with her daughter? Should my wife bring up this with her mom?
Thank you for your time and Have a great weekend as well.


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## Manner1067 (Feb 22, 2021)

Many bad experiences in life can simply be avoided by asserting yourself, saying "no", and standing your ground.

You are under no obligation to attend a party where your wife's X is present. You can have a separate get-together for the grand child the night before.


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

I'm not sure what to do. You, of course, don't want to make a scene at the party and ruin other people's evening, understandably.

1. You can send your regrets for not attending via your wife.

2. You could call your MIL and let her know you don't like the way she treats you vis a vis your wife's ex and therefore, that creates an unpleasant experience for you. So you will not be attending.

3. You could go and continue dissing your MIL even after the ex leaves. Be prepared to move from one conversation to another so that she doesn't get the satisfaction that she can treat you any way she wants and it will be alright for her. Or, pretend you don't hear her until after she repeats herself at least twice.
No open, honest discussion about this with anyone. If you're asked about your behavior, be obtuse about it. ie "Oh, really, what was I doing?"

Good luck in deciding what to do. Maybe someone else will have an additional idea.


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## guearyt (Apr 30, 2021)

Manner1067 said:


> Many bad experiences in life can simply be avoided by asserting yourself, saying "no", and standing your ground.
> 
> You are under no obligation to attend a party where your wife's X is present. You can have a separate get-together for the grand child the night before.


Thank you very much.


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## guearyt (Apr 30, 2021)

NTA said:


> I'm not sure what to do. You, of course, don't want to make a scene at the party and ruin other people's evening, understandably.
> 
> 1. You can send your regrets for not attending via your wife.
> 
> ...


Thank you very much also. I feel this is all good advice.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Manner1067 said:


> You can have a separate get-together for the grand child the night before.


...and give MUCH nicer presents.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

That's completely disrespectful. Give your wife the opportunity to address this with her mother and if she refuses, tell her mother yourself to knock it off. If she doesn't, simply quit going.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

How close are you to these step children? If you didn't help raise them then I would not go and not bother with a separate party at all - let your wife go and make your apologies since she doesn't mind if you are not there. I am assuming you have no children and ex of your own - if you did, would your wife mind you hanging around them without her? And I would keep your MIL at arm's length although I sort of understand where she is coming from. The Ex is the father of her grand kids and you are .... not. You are her daughter's "boyfriend".


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

In these situations I would always advise that each family have their own celebration. I wouldnt want to socially mix with our exes except at weddings which is unavoidable.
However you can choose to be the bigger man and just go along for the children's sakes and don't worry about what others do. Her children effectively became yours as well when you married her, my husband sees my children and grandchildren as his own, and after all it's only once a year for a few hours max.
Please remember also that it's hard for parents when their children split with partners who have been part of their family for often many years and who they probably loved.


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

Personally, I would be the bigger man here and go. When the MIL messes you about, put a fixed grin on your face, over complement her and then forget about it when it is all over. This will only be for a few hours and there is nothing to stop you from having another, separate party which you can enjoy.

By not going, you put yourself In a bad light and give the MIL an opportunity to bad mouth you. I am very sure the step children/ grandchildren will also be very upset and avoiding this on the day should be the most important thing.

I would talk to your wife about it and I think it is reasonable to expect your wife to visibly fuss over you during the event, to over complement you etc and, when the ex leaves, to ensure your MIL is not able to swarm all over you.

Just a couple of thoughts, how does the x feel about his ex MIL swooning all over him? Is he as uncomfortable about it as you are? Secondly, if that is the only problem you have with your MIL then many will think you are a lucky man. 😁

Remember, your wife is there with you - you won that one.


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## jin (Sep 9, 2014)

I agree with Harold be the bigger man about this and don't let it get to you. Separate parties for kids because exes can't co-operate is petty.

If your mil pulls the same stunt then you can highlight it in a polite or playful way that doesn't make you look bad but makes mil aware that it's not gone unnoticed. She may not even be aware of what she's doing.

How's your relationship with mil?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I would go and have a good time!

Poster above mentioned MIL is doing the right thing to the father of the kids, and then when he leaves she comes over to you. She’s in a bit of a tough position too. It’s tough for everyone.

We just don’t know the background to why she does this, we can even assume he is the really difficult one and would throw a fit if she spoke to you first and clung to you. But we don’t know this?

So have a good time, let it go and enjoy your wife and your family. After all, he is the ex.

Unless your MIL has expressed her disapproval of her daughter’s relationship? This isn’t clear either, it might be a passive aggressive message she’s sending to her daughter, maybe it’s the daughter she’s not happy with, rather than you. Again, we can assume but don’t know what’s behind the behaviour. Maybe ask the lady in a gentle way?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I wouldn't say anything to your MIL, and if your wife does, she needs to frame it as though it irritates her rather than you. You will look like a whiny sook otherwise. If she won't do that, just don't say anything.

If the ex's were high conflict, I would say separate parties, but if they're not, no. Kids, even adult kids, shouldn't have to hold two of every function because their parents can't get along or agree, or exclude a parent because the other or their spouse is uncomfortable. That's BS and completely unreasonable.

I feel your frustration, I have to deal with my husbands ex wife sometimes, and have for birthday parties in the past, it's not fun.


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## guearyt (Apr 30, 2021)

jin said:


> I agree with Harold be the bigger man about this and don't let it get to you. Separate parties for kids because exes can't co-operate is petty.
> 
> If your mil pulls the same stunt then you can highlight it in a polite or playful way that doesn't make you look bad but makes mil aware that it's not gone unnoticed. She may not even be aware of what she's doing.
> 
> How's your relationship with mil?


Our relationship is actually perfect until this occurs.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I would go, you are part of the family now. You need to accept that your mother in law can like who she wants, you're not the boss of her. Maybe she's just trying extra hard to make him feel a part of the family still, or maybe she is exaggerating her attention toward him because she just doesn't know how the hell to act around an ex. Or maybe just truly likes the guy and misses him.
That's life buddy, you won't always be everyone's favorite person.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

You now have recommendations to go and to not go. I hope we've been helpful.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

There is nothing that says you have to play the MIL's game. When she starts sucking up to you, say 'excuse me' and walk away. Go to the bathroom or outside or simply walk over to someone and start an animated conversation. You are the outsider at these events; but, that doesn't mean you have to like it.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

_"Hellow everyone, I am a new member here. The questionable situation I want advice on here is..... My daughter and a friend of her's is having a joint bday party for her daughter (my granddaughter) and her friend's daughter who are both turning 4. They always invite me and my current wife, as well as my ex and her current husband. 

The issue is my ex MIL. 

Whenever I arrive, my exMIL comes up with a fake smile and a fake hug and treats me like I am some kind of long lost friend. She treated me horribly during our divorce and basically blamed me for my wife's affair with her now-husband spread false rumors about me to our friends and especially to our kids to where it really strained my relationship with my daughter so a part of me really feels compelled to attend these God-awful joint bday parties for these little girls. 

It drives me up a wall when my MIL treats me like she actually likes and cares about me when I know darn well that the moment I leave. she is over sucking up to my ex's new husband and fawning all over him. _

It also makes my wife very uncomfortable to have my exMIL acting like I am still part of her family and she can see right through her fake facade. She hates going with me but is afraid of what my ex's side will say about us if we're not there. Personally, I'd rather be home mowing the lawn or cleaning the garage or something but of course I don't want to miss out on my grand daughter's events due to issues with my ex and her family. 
_I want to be the bigger man and be there for my daughter and my grandchild , but being around my ex and her insufferable mother is making everyone uncomfortable and awkward. Should I stay or go?"_


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You teach people how they can treat you. Instead of kissing her butt *ignore her*. There’s nothing wrong with not putting up with ********.

Your current tactic will just get you more of what you’ve been getting. Why would you disrespect yourself?

If being the bigger man means acting like a doormat then screw it. Self respect is more important.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I'll be honest, I could barely stand being at my own kid's bday parties when they were that little and we did not have any exes or blended families to contend with. It was bad enough with blood-related aunts and grandmothers and cousins etc. As a father you may be arguably obligated to endure your own 4 year old's party if you can't find a valid way out of it. But the grandmother's current husband?? No way! 

IMHO, grown men and especially new husbands have no place at little kid bday parties in the first place. It would be less painful to stay home and beat your head with a hammer. 

Don't you need to replace the starter on the car before it leaves someone stranded or fix a leaky hot water heater before it floods the house or something that day? Did your dentist mention something about needing an emergency root canal or something? Or how about needing hernia surgery that day? Those would all be a whole lot less painful.


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## guearyt (Apr 30, 2021)

Sfort said:


> You now have recommendations to go and to not go. I hope we've been helpful.


Yes and thank you to all. I will go to the party and I will apply the advice received.


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## guearyt (Apr 30, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> I'll be honest, I could barely stand being at my own kid's bday parties when they were that little and we did not have any exes or blended families to contend with. It was bad enough with blood-related aunts and grandmothers and cousins etc. As a father you may be arguably obligated to endure your own 4 year old's party if you can't find a valid way out of it. But the grandmother's current husband?? No way!
> 
> IMHO, grown men and especially new husbands have no place at little kid bday parties in the first place. It would be less painful to stay home and beat your head with a hammer.
> 
> Don't you need to replace the starter on the car before it leaves someone stranded or fix a leaky hot water heater before it floods the house or something that day? Did your dentist mention something about needing an emergency root canal or something? Or how about needing hernia surgery that day? Those would all be a whole lot less painful.


This is great. I am now undecided. Very good advice in both directions.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> I'll be honest, I could barely stand being at my own kid's bday parties when they were that little and we did not have any exes or blended families to contend with. It was bad enough with blood-related aunts and grandmothers and cousins etc. As a father you may be arguably obligated to endure your own 4 year old's party if you can't find a valid way out of it. But the grandmother's current husband?? No way!
> 
> IMHO, grown men and especially new husbands have no place at little kid bday parties in the first place. It would be less painful to stay home and beat your head with a hammer.
> 
> Don't you need to replace the starter on the car before it leaves someone stranded or fix a leaky hot water heater before it floods the house or something that day? Did your dentist mention something about needing an emergency root canal or something? Or how about needing hernia surgery that day? Those would all be a whole lot less painful.


This implies that you believe women enjoy being at little kids birthday parties. News flash - not fun for us either! We have to suffer for our kids and grandkids and you should too. Plus none of you do any of the work involved so suck it up.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Is sounds really irritating. It's very disrespectful for your mother in law to ignore your when your wife's ex is around. How old is this mother in law?

Do you HAVE to go?

If you absolutely can't get out of it, have you thought about doing your best to ignore the mother in law completely, no matter what she's doing? If the ex leaves and she starts to finally acknowledge your presence, you could be direct and say, you've deliberately ignored me up until now, why is that? And then, YOU can choose not to engage with her.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Bluesclues said:


> This implies that you believe women enjoy being at little kids birthday parties. News flash - not fun for us either! We have to suffer for our kids and grandkids and you should too. Plus none of you do any of the work involved so suck it up.


I‘m glad my grandchildren have aged out of birthday parties. They were a lot of work (and not my idea).


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Bluesclues said:


> This implies that you believe women enjoy being at little kids birthday parties. News flash - not fun for us either! We have to suffer for our kids and grandkids and you should too. Plus none of you do any of the work involved so suck it up.


I disagree that he needs to "suck it up" and has to watch his mother in law pretend he doesn't exist while acting like his wife's ex husband is the best thing since sliced bread. That's a ****ed up dynamic on display for everyone.

This is a bday party for his step grandchild and a friend of the grandchild. Being there isn't important enough to suffer through this disrespectful scene on view for all.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

Livvie said:


> I disagree that he needs to "suck it up" and has to watch his mother in law pretend he doesn't exist while acting like his wife's ex husband is the best thing since sliced bread. That's a ****ed up dynamic on display for everyone.
> 
> This is a bday party for his step grandchild and a friend of the grandchild. Being there isn't important enough to suffer through this disrespectful scene on view for all.


I wasn’t telling OP to suck it up. My comment was in response to oldshirt saying men in general shouldn’t attend kids parties anyway because they don’t like them.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Bluesclues said:


> I wasn’t telling OP to suck it up. My comment was in response to oldshirt saying men in general shouldn’t attend kids parties anyway because they don’t like them.


You make it sound like NO ONE should attend (and I can't say that I'd disagree with that assertion)

As the father, OK fine, he should probably suck it up and do what he can and then tell himself that he won't have to do it for another 364 days. 

But the grandmother's new husband??? Where do we draw the line on the misery here? Third cousin's 2nd husband on the dad's side??? How far up the family tree do we need to go here? 

How much contact and involvement does this guy even have with the 4 year old in the first place? From her standpoint she's getting presents, cake and ice cream. Does she even know who this guy is?

Just because some people in his wife's family tree feel they should have some compulsory misery doesn't mean that he is obligated to endure it.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Bluesclues said:


> This implies that you believe women enjoy being at little kids birthday parties. News flash - not fun for us either! We have to suffer for our kids and grandkids and you should too. Plus none of you do any of the work involved so suck it up.


Here you have the truth @guearyt, everyone else is miserable also. So this comes down to whether you want to enter into the group-suffer and endure with everyone else in your wife's fam and be one of the gang as misery loves company. 

Or you can be smart and save yourself some pain and anquish and have that root canal that day. 

So really two ways to look at this. One is you can roll up your sleeves and suck it up and share in the misery and be one of the family. 

Or you can extricate yourself so there is one less miserable and awkward person there so you aren't adding to all the awkwardness and angst there. 

There really is no win-win here. It's about what will suck the least for the most people. 

(and IMHO as I indicated above, I'd bet the farm the bio grandfather is just as miserable and feels just as awkward and uncomfortable as you)


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Openminded said:


> I‘m glad my grandchildren have aged out of birthday parties.


It really is one of the great milestones of a child's development that doesn't get the credit it deserves IMHO. I'm not sure it quite ranks up there with being potty trained or feeding and dressing themselves. 

But I do think it ranks in there with being able to climb into the car seat by themselves and getting themselves to and from school on their own.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> It really is one of the great milestones of a child's development that doesn't get the credit it deserves IMHO. I'm not sure it quite ranks up there with being potty trained or feeding and dressing themselves.
> 
> But I do think it ranks in there with being able to climb into the car seat by themselves and getting themselves to and from school on their own.


Have to say it definitely was a wonderful moment when my youngest grandchild was done.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Op’s problem is not birthday parties it’s the lack of respect. Dodging a birthday party won’t fix that.

His correct attitude of not taking bull **** will.

Running from a problem never solves a thing.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I fail to see how this is some big thing.

First I'd have to know more about the divorce. Who initiated and such. 
Second you'd have to actually know more about MIL motives.

If wife divorced XH or cheated on XH. Then MIL maybe trying to make it less awkward for XH to attend where new husband is when he maybe doesn't have a new wife. Second some women are stupidly attracted to men maybe she inappropriate likes XH. Third it isn't up to your wife to tell her mom how to act.

You say the MIL is nice you. Your big ***** is that she is nice to you after she is nice to XH. So you are complaining that your MIL is nice to what everybody and this is bad? You expect because you wife chose you, your MIL must fall in line and if not your wife better get her inline or you will then choose not to support your wife? Did you not know she had children when you married her?

Bottom line your wife is attending a family affair, a decent husband would go with her and be supportive. And if you go then you will be treated nice by you MIL.

How would she feel if XH came up and said so where's your new husband if you choose not to attend?

Nobody like small children's birthday parties. Not sure why people even hold them. Go, try to have some fun, try thinking of at least 10 reasons why your MIL maybe nice to XH that doesn't somehow have to personally reflect on you cause chances are they way she treats XH doesn't have anything to do with you.

Edited to add: so you expect separate events so people don't have to be around their X's. Well isn't that naive. What happens when people get married or die or go to the hospital. How about the X's grow up and act like adults. I eloped because of this same ****. Would I have liked to have my parents and family at my wedding maybe but I chose to elope because the adults couldn't act like adults.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Some of the advise h


Anastasia6 said:


> I fail to see how this is some big thing.
> 
> First I'd have to know more about the divorce. Who initiated and such.
> Second you'd have to actually know more about MIL motives.
> ...


I agree with much of this. There are times in life when we have to put our big boys/ girls panties on and do things just because they are the right thing to do. 
Family events are one of those things. It's not all about us and who says or does what to 'offend' us, it's thinking of the child, the spouse, our own children etc. 
As adults surely we should be able to put our own childish feelings and grumbles aside for a few hours and just be there? To actually put others first?

I have been to family events in the past many times that weren't especially enjoyable for me, but it was the right thing to do and it's part of being a spouse and parent especially if you are in a second or subsequent marriage. 

Put the effort into chatting to others, being friendly, helping out, supporting your wife, and don't just stand there watching how others are acting so you can get offended. 

My husband has been to family get togethers of my ex husband's family because I still keep in touch and see them from time to time. It's not easy for parents when their children divorce and marry again, especially when there are grandchildren involved. You say you get on well with your MIL, that's great so don't worry about it, it's really not a big deal.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

guearyt said:


> Hello everyone. I'm a new member looking for an answer. The questionable situation I want advice on is....
> My wife's daughter, son n law, and wife's daughter's good friend are having a birthday party for my wife's grandchild and daughter's friend's child. Both turning age four. I do realize they are my step children. This party is an annual party and my wife and I are invited along with my wife's X and his wife along with my wife's mother, my mother n law.
> My mother n law is the reason for this question. Every time we have this gathering, or any others like it, my mother n law clings to my wife's X as if she is a groupie. She totally ignores me and snubs me until the X leaves. Then she comes to me and expects me to carry on with her as if all is well. And I do. I act as if all is well while I am really hurt by her actions. My wife sees this happen every time but won't say anything about it to her mom. I feel there should be separate birthday parties so that X's don't have to be around each other. I do stress this to my wife but her comeback is always, "It wouldn't bother me".
> If I didn't go to the party this time, would I be wrong? Should my wife talk about this situation with her daughter? Should my wife bring up this with her mom?
> Thank you for your time and Have a great weekend as well.


Dude lots of people have difficult relationships with their mother in laws. Who cares. It's your mother in law. Make it a joke and go on with your life.

Maybe your mother in law is just trying to make X feel comfortable. Who knows. The real question is why do you care? You are the one who is married to her daughter. All you need to do is treat that women respectfully, and not get involved with your wife's relationship with her. That's it, it's very easy.

Why did they divorce?

Another thing, you are not only not going to show up therefor making you the focus of your wife's daughter's birthday party, but you a grown man are going to complain to this daughter about it? What is going to say to her? That man is her Dad. Do you expect everyone to shun him? When it comes to his kids you are going to lose and you are going to come across really petty and bad.

Honestly you married a women with kids from another guy, this comes with the territory. Quit competing with your wife's ex, you are married to the women you already won, by competing you look weak. Just engaging is the only way you can lose.

I mean you are really competing over your mother in laws affection? You are actually going to call out sick cause your feelings are hurt by your mother in law? That doesn't look weak that IS weak.

I can't believe that is the advice. Look emotionally strong people pick and choose their battles. They don't draw lines in the sand over things that have very little influence in their lives. You know when this will have an influence in your life, when you choose to not show up to your wife's kids birthday cause your feelings are hurt because your mother in law didn't spend enough time with them. What are you going to go pout in your room. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot.

Your wife isn't disrespecting you, she just knows this is some bull**** that she doesn't want to get involved with. Maybe it's her Mom's MO. She told you as much, follow her lead.

Go, act respectful and confident and have a good time.

This is life, suck it up.

Hell go talk to him like you have no problem with him and assert your dominance.


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

> This is a bday party for his step grandchild and a friend of the grandchild. Being there isn't important enough to suffer through this disrespectful scene on view for all.


I agree with this. one shouldn't overextend their ties with other people.


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## guearyt (Apr 30, 2021)

Livvie said:


> I disagree that he needs to "suck it up" and has to watch his mother in law pretend he doesn't exist while acting like his wife's ex husband is the best thing since sliced bread. That's a ****ed up dynamic on display for everyone.
> 
> This is a bday party for his step grandchild and a friend of the grandchild. Being there isn't important enough to suffer through this disrespectful scene on view for all.


Awesome!!!


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## guearyt (Apr 30, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> You make it sound like NO ONE should attend (and I can't say that I'd disagree with that assertion)
> 
> As the father, OK fine, he should probably suck it up and do what he can and then tell himself that he won't have to do it for another 364 days.
> 
> ...


Awesome again.


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## guearyt (Apr 30, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Here you have the truth @guearyt, everyone else is miserable also. So this comes down to whether you want to enter into the group-suffer and endure with everyone else in your wife's fam and be one of the gang as misery loves company.
> 
> Or you can be smart and save yourself some pain and anquish and have that root canal that day.
> 
> ...


I do agree. I am so glad for this forum.


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## guearyt (Apr 30, 2021)

sokillme said:


> Dude lots of people have difficult relationships with their mother in laws. Who cares. It's your mother in law. Make it a joke and go on with your life.
> 
> Maybe your mother in law is just trying to make X feel comfortable. Who knows. The real question is why do you care? You are the one who is married to her daughter. All you need to do is treat that women respectfully, and not get involved with your wife's relationship with her. That's it, it's very easy.
> 
> ...


Everyone calm down. The advice I'm getting now doesn't even apply to my question. Other advice is being mixed up with my original question. 
I will fill in a few of the voids ....My wife get very angry with her mom for this. My wife divorced her X because he was abusive, treated her as if she was his slave, and she had to be the mother and the father for her two children. 
The party was today. I went. I do mingle with many people there every time. I don't just sit and stare or feel sorry for myself. I am educated and know how to act around others. 
My MIL did as she always does. My wife stuck with me the entire time as she always does. I tell her to go talk to others there but she seldom does. 
So now that the party is over, let us let this go. Thank you to all for participating and have a great weekend.


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## guearyt (Apr 30, 2021)

Livvie said:


> Is sounds really irritating. It's very disrespectful for your mother in law to ignore your when your wife's ex is around. How old is this mother in law?
> 
> Do you HAVE to go?
> 
> If you absolutely can't get out of it, have you thought about doing your best to ignore the mother in law completely, no matter what she's doing? If the ex leaves and she starts to finally acknowledge your presence, you could be direct and say, you've deliberately ignored me up until now, why is that? And then, YOU can choose not to engage with her.


My MIL is 85.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

guearyt said:


> So now that the party is over, let us let this go.


You brought it up.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

guearyt said:


> My MIL is 85.


Wow!


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

Sounds to me that your MIL is passive aggressive. She wants to show her daughter how forgiving she can be while your wife is not. Do you get that pa vibe from her.


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

We seem to forget the most important person here - the grandchild whose birthday it is. These occasions are precious enough as it is and you don’t get them back once they are gone.

I found it quite sad to read comments about it not being worth going or that it is hell on earth. How do people on here remember their childhood birthday parties? When you go to a child’s birthday party, don’t you see the excitement and joy?

It’s not about the adults and if a lot of this macho cr#p is true, well I feel sorry for those who missed out.

Perhaps you should think about that next year.


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

I don't remember my b day parties when I was really young. I remember them more when they were for my later years. Someone gave me the 45 to ABC when it first came out. The first time I ever heard of the Jackson 5 ........ but I digress. I might not like it that my grandmother has to have her nose up my bio dad's butt since he was abusive before my mother decided to divorce him. 

In my own life, my mother likes putting on a show when we're around people I have not had pleasant experiences with.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

guearyt said:


> Everyone calm down. The advice I'm getting now doesn't even apply to my question. Other advice is being mixed up with my original question.
> I will fill in a few of the voids ....My wife get very angry with her mom for this. My wife divorced her X because he was abusive, treated her as if she was his slave, and she had to be the mother and the father for her two children.
> The party was today. I went. I do mingle with many people there every time. I don't just sit and stare or feel sorry for myself. I am educated and know how to act around others.
> My MIL did as she always does. My wife stuck with me the entire time as she always does. I tell her to go talk to others there but she seldom does.
> So now that the party is over, let us let this go. Thank you to all for participating and have a great weekend.


What you need to understand is, your wife's Mom and her Ex have one thing in common, they both lost her to you. That makes them allies now, miserable, commiserating in their jealousy of you.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

How old were her kids when you married your wife?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

guearyt said:


> Everyone calm down. The advice I'm getting now doesn't even apply to my question. Other advice is being mixed up with my original question.
> I will fill in a few of the voids ....My wife get very angry with her mom for this. My wife divorced her X because he was abusive, treated her as if she was his slave, and she had to be the mother and the father for her two children.
> The party was today. I went. I do mingle with many people there every time. I don't just sit and stare or feel sorry for myself. I am educated and know how to act around others.
> My MIL did as she always does. My wife stuck with me the entire time as she always does. I tell her to go talk to others there but she seldom does.
> So now that the party is over, let us let this go. Thank you to all for participating and have a great weekend.


As with so much in life the worry of what MAY happen stresses us out unnecessarily. OP you sound like a mature rational thinking adult, sounds like you conducted yourself perfectly, nicely done.


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## guearyt (Apr 30, 2021)

manfromlamancha said:


> How old were her kids when you married your wife?


Her two kids were 18 and 21 with no grand children in sight yet.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Ah parties!

There are the sulky people in the corner, the people who never show up, the people who make it clear they are bored and didn’t want to be there. All of them have stewed over their justifications for not wanting to be there and why they deserve to feel the way they do.

Then there are the people who jump right in and don’t worry about themselves and get into the spirit and show how happy they are to celebrate someone else’s happy day in this $&”t-storm we call life. 

Always be the happy person who is happy to make someone’s special day special. Because you have a great time doing so!


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