# False R?



## SPQR (Mar 27, 2014)

My wife had an affair with guy who works in the high performance auto/racing industry. They met once at a marathon that she competed in but I did not attend.

The affairs are over, and my question is focused.

A few times a month my wife wants to talk to me about racing trivia, something I was never interested in or that we did through most of our marriage. She traveled to races with her family 20 years ago or more so it is not so strange that she has an interest in it but it strikes me as insensitive.

She also frequently tells stories to others in front of me, or even to me, of her experiences at the marathon that they arranged to meet at. I have told her that this really bothers me and I don't want to ever hear about that weekend. 

Is this a **** test to see if I care? Is she just clueless, or self absorbed. 

Things otherwise appear to be on the mend in the relationship.

I would appreciate your thoughts.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

She is clueless and self absorbed.

You could shut her up quickly.. every time she mentions the weekend you can say something like .. "Isn't that the weekend you planned to meet up with x?" Hopefully that will get her to stop talking.

If she keeps on talking say out loud for all to hear. "It's insensitive for you to constantly talk about the weekends you spent with x for your affair".. or something like that.

You could even let her know that since she does not get how her talking about her times with that guy hurts you, you will be reminding her every time she brings it up no matter who is there to hear it.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

SPQR said:


> My wife had an affair with guy who works in the high performance auto/racing industry. They met once at a marathon that she competed in but I did not attend.
> 
> The affairs are over, and my question is focused.
> 
> ...


I'll refer to you one of my posts from another thread...



GusPolinski said:


> I'd think that -- at some point -- a well-timed "Dear, please shut your f*cking face-hole..." would be called for...
> 
> RIGHT?!?


And I'm just wondering... has your wife ever been diagnosed as being anywhere within the ASD spectrum?

And no, that's not a knock on anyone here.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Whatever her reasons, it certainly shows a lack of empathy.

I am interested to know her reaction/response when you tell her that she is being insensitive.


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## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

It sounds like you have the same issues I have. And after 9 months I can tell you from my experience it is because they truly do not think what they have done is wrong. Don't get me wrong they are very sorry they got caught. It doesn't mean I support the once a cheater always a cheater lines but I do truly believe once a liar always a liar. My spouse wants R and I am on the fence but yet still today said to me I should go on the annual trip to Vegas with our staff. The same trip last year that he started his affair and yes the OW will be on it. This is him trying to be nice and supportive. Do you feel she is truly remorseful for the pain she has done to you and the relationship? If so R always stands a chance but you need to be sure it is not remorse for being caught. That is the best advice I can give you.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I hate to say this, but she's not over him. She still gets that "high" from talking about things they did and times when they were together.

Are you sure it's completely over?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

SPQR said:


> My wife had an affair with guy who works in the high performance auto/racing industry. They met once at a marathon that she competed in but I did not attend.
> 
> The affairs are over, and my question is focused.
> 
> ...


If the affair is over and your marriage is on the mend...she would not bring this crap up at all...period. 

In addition to the really good suggestions of EleGirl...

The next time she brings this crap up...no matter where. Get up and leave. Leave her wherever you are. Let her walk her arse back home. 

She will do this as long as you allow it. Stop allowing it. Whining about it...or telling her your "feelings" about it is pointless. 

The next time she brings up racing trivia...have some stats on failed marriages in the sports industry....maybe some stats about how unusual it is for a woman to be taken back by her husband after an affair. 

If she persists in bringing this crap up after all of this....Just file the damn papers. 

You don't need this $hit.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

You my man have not explained it where she understands it. Do what EleG is telling you to do and add these stories are starting to bother and hurt you more than you love her. She is either overtly disrespecting you thinking is no big deal if it pisses you off or she's 
purposely try do it. Either way indicates you don't matter. 
I'd tell her the next time is the last time, and mean it. Why put up with someone who places so little value in your feeling.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

SPQR said:


> My wife had an affair with guy who works in the high performance auto/racing industry. They met once at a marathon that she competed in but I did not attend.
> 
> The affairs are over, and my question is focused.
> 
> ...


This is the kind of stuff my wife does.

In her case it is a function of her being on the high functioning part of the ASD.

unless your wife is on the same spectrum, she is either testing you or is unconciously re-living the excitement of the affair. Or is still having an affair.

You need to monitor her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> This is the kind of stuff my wife does.
> 
> In her case it is a function of her being on the high functioning part of the ASD.
> 
> ...


Even if your wife has that condition, how is it an intelligent woman can't remember that doing certain things hurts her husband? I think you put up with too much. Look up operant conditioning. Use it on her.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

SPQR,

Did you expose this affair to anyone? I'm asking since it seems to be a fond memory to her of what happened at that marathon. My WW had spoken once of a memory to friends that was during her affair period. Perhaps you could wait until your WW speaks again of this marathon and in front of everyone just say "why don't we tell the truth of this marathon"? I'm sure she would get your hint rather quickly and either be quiet or tell everyone she had an affair. Sometimes you just need to call them out on their stupidity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

The OM completed a full length marathon and had gas in his tank to share some with your wife. That's real mental torment.

Did the exposure come from some friend who ratted out your WW?

Your WW is trying to pretend that these important activities are back to normal as reconciliation is a return to your old life. This lack of awareness suggests that your wife's emotional intelligence is not brilliant. Alternatively, she is narcissistic.

Putting her down when you trigger is not unreasonable to clarify moral order. However, you may wish to look deeper.

Do you want to remain married to her? Why?

How is your running going? Do you run faster or slower than your wife? Do you work out together? Is her running also a trigger?

What did your wife say on Dday? Has she doubted the safety of your marriage?

Do you have children?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

SPQR said:


> My wife had an affair with guy who works in the high performance auto/racing industry. They met once at a marathon that she competed in but I did not attend.
> 
> The affairs are over, and my question is focused.
> 
> ...


It is insensitive, uncaring, remorseless, carpet swept and good camp fire stories for your W. 

I have seen similar and experiences similar situation. It is not funny nor entertaining. 


If you have asked repeatedly not to speak of this very bad time in your life yet she continues perhaps strongly demanding she shuts her grocery hole is in order.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If the roles were reversed you wife would not put up with such disrespect and insensitivity from you so why do you accept this from her? Have the both of you been tested for STD's? What were the consequences to her betraying and humiliating you in the worst possible way?

If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## SPQR (Mar 27, 2014)

jelly_bean said:


> It sounds like you have the same issues I have. And after 9 months I can tell you from my experience it is because they truly do not think what they have done is wrong. Don't get me wrong they are very sorry they got caught. It doesn't mean I support the once a cheater always a cheater lines but I do truly believe once a liar always a liar. My spouse wants R and I am on the fence but yet still today said to me I should go on the annual trip to Vegas with our staff. The same trip last year that he started his affair and yes the OW will be on it. This is him trying to be nice and supportive. Do you feel she is truly remorseful for the pain she has done to you and the relationship? If so R always stands a chance but you need to be sure it is not remorse for being caught. That is the best advice I can give you.


I fear you might be right about here not understanding it was wrong.


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## SPQR (Mar 27, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> And I'm just wondering... has your wife ever been diagnosed as being anywhere within the ASD spectrum?


No, definitely not.



FormerSelf said:


> Whatever her reasons, it certainly shows a lack of empathy.
> 
> I am interested to know her reaction/response when you tell her that she is being insensitive.


She gets very quiet, says very little and apologizes. It is upsetting to her but probably because it makes her have to confront what she did. Rug Sweeping? Probably.



happy as a clam said:


> I hate to say this, but she's not over him. She still gets that "high" from talking about things they did and times when they were together.
> 
> Are you sure it's completely over?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know they have not had the opportunity to meet but I am not sure what she feels.



drifting on said:


> SPQR,
> 
> Did you expose this affair to anyone?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No I have not told anyone that she knows but I did tell a counselor. Aside from it being personally embarrassing it did not seem like it would help R.



LongWalk said:


> The OM completed a full length marathon and had gas in his tank to share some with your wife. That's real mental torment.


He did not compete, he was there for "work".



LongWalk said:


> Did the exposure come from some friend who ratted out your WW?


Wife left phone on counter while I was cooking and an intimate text came in from him on alerts. I waited for her to go running and got all the messages while she was out. As she got ready I kept touching the phone to keep it unlocked.




LongWalk said:


> Your WW is trying to pretend that these important activities are back to normal as reconciliation is a return to your old life. This lack of awareness suggests that your wife's emotional intelligence is not brilliant. Alternatively, she is narcissistic.


Probably true.

Putting her down when you trigger is not unreasonable to clarify moral order. However, you may wish to look deeper.



LongWalk said:


> Do you want to remain married to her? Why?


I don't know how to answer that question in writing right now.



LongWalk said:


> How is your running going? Do you run faster or slower than your wife? Do you work out together? Is her running also a trigger?


I don't do a lot of running but go to the gym but it is not a trigger. Running has been her thing for many many years.



LongWalk said:


> What did your wife say on Dday? Has she doubted the safety of your marriage?
> 
> Do you have children?


Officially I ended the marriage and this was R at her request. I think she understood how dire it was.

No Children.


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## SPQR (Mar 27, 2014)

I posted several replies in this thread yesterday. Can it take several days for a moderator to approve them or are they lost?


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