# Dating and dealing with x



## lulu2010 (Jun 6, 2011)

I am in the process of a divorce. My x husband left me in July for another woman that he moved in with her. He was mentally abusive, slightly physical and he raped me. I have a hard time getting back into the dating game. I have been talking and seenot a few times. He is a really good guy. He knows my past and is completely respectful of it and me. My problem is that he is a recovering from a drug problem. Been clean a year put his self through rehab. If church doors are open he is there. He has 50% custody of his kid. My x found out about this through it being a small town. My x is throwing a fit because we are in the middle of a custody fight that he is loosing. The new guy has never even seen my daughter and she doesn't know about him. I will not introduce her to a guy until I am about to remarry and I trust him completely. Which takes a lot 
I am just completely lost in what to do. I fill this is just another way for my x control me. The new guy is completely understanding he said he would back off until the custody fight or pee in a cup every day. To prove to my x he was clean. I just really don't know what to do. I don't want to loose my kid over a guy. But I also don't want my x to win and have that control.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

July? Too soon to date. Every single decision right now should be about your daughter even if your ex isn't doing that. Dating can wait! It hasn't been long at all!


----------



## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Of course the guy you are dating will promise the world. My advice is stay away as you don't need more baggage. You came from a bad marriage and now dating a guy with a history of drug abuse. My advice is your BF is possibly just going to be another toxic relationship. 

Most likely you are nowhere near ready to date yet and your decisions are clouded. The fact that it's so soon and you're ready to downplay issues about your daughter's well being to be with this guy? Would you tell a friend to be so willing to do such a thing?

Drug abuse is no joke. Do people recover from it? Sure. But do many relapse over and over again? Yes. 

Good luck but I'd focus on yourself and daughter and leave the dating for later.


----------



## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Are you seeing a therapist? I agree with everyone above--before you start dating, you need to figure out why you married and stayed with someone like your X. Future relationships will more likely than not involve a repeat of these patterns if you don't address your own issues.

Good luck!!


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Greatly contingent upon who your domestics relations court judge is, is going to be the chief determinant if they are OK with you dating while still being deemed to be married! Some judges will come down on you for it, while others simply don't care!

Know exactly who your presiding court judge is and know their personal standpoints on that rather serious subject matter! That is something that can certainly be ascertained by your legal counsel!

Run that same question by them and fastly adhere to their advice on this important subject matter!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Less than three months ago you faced a life altering event. How you feel notwithstanding, you simply have not given yourself enough time to compile, sort and file all of the irrationality you have experienced. Additionally, in this state, you may not see with complete clarity and although I do believe in the rare occurrence of someone fundamentally changing, a man with a drug history could be problematic. I feel that your x may have a legitimate concern. Allow yourself more time to absorb everything and, as you indicated you are doing, keep your daughter out of your new relationship until you have taken some more time and allowed more dust to settle. Good fortune to you.


----------



## boltam (Oct 14, 2015)

Once a drug addict, always a drug addict.

You can't trust a drug addict.

You've made bad mistakes regarding relationship partners in the past, time to take a step back and rethink your judgement here.

You also made a comment about remarrying. Learn from your mistakes the first time around. There is no good reason for you ever to get married again.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lulu, no offense, but you have no business dating right now. Take your 'boyfriend' up on his offer to back off for now. Replace him with therapy. Fix all that damage your stbx did with therapy so that you will KNOW in the future (next year at the soonest) if a guy is a decent match. Your picker is broken because of what you dealt with and you need therapy to fix YOU first.

I know it feels good to have a guy 'want' you after what you went through. But it is a bandaid on a major wound. You can survive without a man for a few more months. 

And one year drug-free? Not enough. Especially if he's not going to therapy himself.


----------



## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Not sure your state but for the most part, the new guy is a minimal direct problem. But he does carry a lot of baggage that you really don't need right now. most importantly, he could become a distraction from your goals. 

Get your life together before sharing it with another person.


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Just associating with a known drug addict can be an issue, coupled with the fact you aren't divorced yet is recipe for court trouble. 

And just like everyone else has said, it's too soon. You haven't healed emotionally from all that happened to you. Focus on getting your life back in order and feeling confident and happy alone. Only then will you be ready to welcome someone else in your life.

And one year clean isn't good enough. And who cares about church doors - a recovering addict who goes to church is still a recovering addict. I wouldn't touch that with a 10-ft pole - who needs the trouble? Even someone 5, 10 or 20 years clean can have a trigger that sets them back to using. Just don't risk it. See the red flag, don't ignore it.


----------

