# falling for coworker



## michael1181

I'm married, have a good job, young daughter but ultimately got married because I felt pressured to. My mistake but we were young and I caved to pressure from family.

I do love my wife and family but our relationship has gotten very dull over the years. She's not a girly girl and never will be and I miss that from my dating days. She's a wonderful woman, we get along, we have fun together, but she probably always was better meant as a friend and not a wife. Just too many things missing from our relationship.

A coworker who I've known for 2 years and I hit it off from the beginning. We work closely together on projects so spend a lot of time together and have gotten to know each other really well. We've never had an argument, we see eye to eye on 99% of what we work on, she's fun, full of energy, intelligent, very attractive, and shows real interest in me. Whether it's work conversations or personal conversations, we just seem to connect. I'm developing a huge crush on her and feel silly saying that but it seems to be progressing further than a harmless crush. She is single and not dating anyone at the moment either.

I've been trying to be more intimate with my wife, do more with her, go on dates together without our daughter, talk with her more, and just try to work on the problem areas of our marriage. My thought is my feelings for my coworker are more what I feel I'm missing in my relationship so it's attractive.

Our marriage is doing better because of the extra effort but I continually find myself thinking of my coworker and wanting to get to work so I can interact with her, talk with her, see her. I have dreams about her and just can't get her out of my mind. She went from coworker to friend to "if I was single we'd be together" slowly over the last 2 years.

I try to find faults with her that might help me break this crush but she is so physically and intellectually attractive she's one of those 1 in a million women, I have never met anyone like her.

I don't want to hurt my wife or kids, but no matter what I seem to do I keep thinking of this other woman and can't help but wonder what life would be like with her and if I'm missing out on that "soul mate" relationship. My parents are divorced and are far happier now with their new spouses than they ever were together.

These are feelings I never felt with my wife even when we were dating. 

I can't exactly quit my job or limit my interaction with her, the company is small and only so many people in each department and the economy isn't good for my line of work. It would help if she had a boyfriend but she's content being single and seems more like she's waiting for something...or someone.

I haven't talked with my wife or coworker about this. I'm afraid my coworker would reveal the same feelings for me which would really pull at my heart...or she would have the exact opposite feelings and not be understanding and then work becomes very awkward. 

If I'm reading her right, she shares the same feelings as I but is being respectful of my marriage. My wife by nature worries about things and would end up worrying that I'm having an affair or would be seduced and so on. 

How do you have that conversation with your wife? 
I love you but I'm falling for my unmarried coworker.

Is it wise to have this conversation with my coworker? outside of work of course.
How do I have this conversation with my wife?
Do I continue to hold back the urge to say/do something and leave things be?

I'm not unhappy in my marriage, but I know in my heart it was the wrong thing to do and now I feel stuck that I'm missing out on the person I should have married (whether it be my coworker or someone else) and I have the same sorrow for my wife.

any advice would be helpful
Michael


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## a.mckay26

I don't have too much advice, but I would bring up one point. It is very easy to see all the good things in your coworker when you have those feelings of lust. But do you have to have hard conversations with her like about your house, money, family, etc? Probably not. 

It’s fun being with that other person, because you are putting your best foot forward around them. Everyone has flaws, does she know yours? Do you let them come out around her or at work? Probably not. 

I would talk to your wife about feeling unfulfilled in the marriage. Then you could try a therapist and if that doesn't work go your separate ways. Don't remain in a loveless marriage, you will only regret it and resent her. 

And don't get physical with your coworker. If you feel like you are both in love, it will work out in the end. After you are divorced.


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## PBear

+1 on the above advice. Make your decision to work on your marriage or end it WITHOUT regard to the other woman. She's likely got warts of her own that you just haven't seen yet, since you're not even dating.

Also check into "emotional affairs". Just because you haven't "done anything" doesn't mean you're not investing in a relationship with this other woman. And to some people, these emotional affairs are as damaging (or more damaging, even) than a physical affair.

C


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## RandomDude

> I try to find faults with her that might help me break this crush but she is so physically and intellectually attractive she's one of those 1 in a million women, I have never met anyone like her.


Oh boy... this is rather tough one... rather good thing I've always been picky come to think of it. Looks like you've met 'one of those'... aka soulmate.

From my experience though - try to think about the fact that people change, they do, and not always for the better. Try and think about that to kill off the lovey dovey feelings. I learnt that over the years with the missus.

She is my soulmate sure but there are tons of issues and problems because people by nature do grow and change (until a more mature age I guess), and in many unfortunate cases - grow apart. Perhaps even 5 years from now even if you do leave your wife and get together with this co-worker it probably won't be anything you expect. 

You may even end up back at square one. Just how it is. Marriage can't survive on love and passion alone either, think about that.


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## michael1181

thank you!

With regard to an emotional affair I think I'm standing on the line with one foot in the air about to cross it. Which is why I'm here.

I'm in that "I want my cake and eat it too" problem. I have this stable, happy relationship built over time with my wife, although not fulfilling. To give that up, break her heart, hurt my daughter for something that may be the best thing to ever happen to me or something that may not last... venturing into an affair emotionally or physically is very tempting. If it doesn't work out I didn't lose my marriage if no one found out. And if it does work out then at least I know it will work and am not giving up everything for nothing. 
NOT saying I want to do that, it's just the scenario that becomes so tempting and selfish not wanting to make a firm decision that will impact several lives....Wish I had more support before getting married in the first place.

I don't know what to do. This isn't the typical lustful crush on a beautiful woman then you get to know the person and lose those feelings. This went the other way, starting from simply coworkers and has developed in time into a strong friendship that isn't slowing down...and she's gorgeous, intelligent, fun.

If the lust feeling was gone its a no brainer continue working on my marriage and hope things continue to get better. And after some amount of time if they didn't, then would know it's time to move on. But these feelings are so overwhelming I don't know how much they are warping my view of my marriage and blinding me to my relationship with my coworker.

I know everyone is different, but do I tell my wife?
Do I tell my coworker? After all, she may not share the same feelings but I think otherwise...

So I decide yes people change, marriages have problems, but I'm committed and we can work through it...how do I lose these feelings for my coworker?? 

I think waiting it out and she gets a boyfriend who is good to her and I'll hear all about it and lose these feeling for her...and be genuinely happy for her. If the next guy is as bad to her as the last then it's going to have the opposite effect. Or will I forever feel that I let my soulmate slip past? For the time being she seems to have put things on hold waiting to see...try to figure out...me.


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## Tiredspouse0297

I understand your dilemma and at least you haven't acted on it. I'm married and unfortunately having an ea and pa. My husband is emotionally abusive and we haven't had a good relationship, well probably the whole marriage. About six months before we met I had met and dated what I felt like was the other half of my soul. The crushing part was he had just got divorced and was in no shape to have a relationship. So I moved on and met my future husband. I was so happy to be wanted. My ex-boyfriend contacted me about a job with his company a few months later. I told him I'd ask my boyfriend and sent him my resume. I never heard back. I was ok with that though. I never forgot him, I could never understand feeling that right with someone and it not working out. I've never felt that way for anyone before or since. 
Flash forward six years and I, completely innocently, sent him a message asking how he was. I knew he was married, apparently happy and honestly just wanted to say hi. You would have thought I handed him a winning lottery ticket. I was overwhelmed by his enthusiastic response. Long story short, all the feelings were still there, the chemistry, the pure enjoyment of just talking and joking. We've been seeing each other for three months and it's harder and harder to not fall even further every day. He knows I was already working towards independence, financially I can't leave yet. We haven't talked about his marriage much, although I do know he is unhappy. Maybe nothing will come of this, maybe I'll get divorced and move on. God help us, we may get caught and destroy a lot of people's lives. I'm not proud but it happens. 
So my advice would be to really look at your marriage, think about what you're willing to give up, what you're willing to risk etc. An affair doesn't mean you're a terrible person nor does divorce. I can't give you any more advice than that, especially since I'm being stupid myself. Hang in there.


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## RandomDude

> I know everyone is different, but do I tell my wife?


No! Hell I wouldn't, as long as you haven't acted on it. It'll just make things worse.



> Do I tell my coworker? After all, she may not share the same feelings but I think otherwise...


Dangerous call there, I wouldn't.



> So I decide yes people change, marriages have problems, but I'm committed and we can work through it...how do I lose these feelings for my coworker??


Just keep telling yourself people change, and tell yourself what I mentioned on my last post. You mentioned your current marriage also ain't forfilling, work on that.


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## angela85

My own opinion is think twice because you have a young daughter to raise I'm sure it would be difficult for her to see like that.


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## changehappens

michael1181 said:


> A coworker who I've known for 2 years and I hit it off from the beginning. We work closely together on projects so spend a lot of time together and have gotten to know each other really well.


Holy Cow! You decribed me flash forward for you about 3 years! Here's what I advise based on my personal and ongoing experience - DROP THE THOUGHT FAST! 

Unless you're looking for a whole lot of excitement, stress, anxioty, sleepless nights, pain, hurt, trouble, etc. etc., you need to FIRST get it figured out with your wife without the distraction of someone else being there to cloud your vision. You only have the following list of people who could potentially get emotionally hurt unless you take care of matters outside said distraction; yourself, your wife, your daughter, the other woman, your family, your wife's family, your friends, your wife's friends, the other woman's family and friends, your coworkers, people you don't even care about who are your neighbors, and on and on. Just think about the concept of trust and how hard it is to keep it, but how easy it is to lose it forever. It only takes once. I'm telling you - you're playing with fire here. You WILL get burned if you aren't smart.

On the other hand, you could do what I did and get involved (emotionally) thinking that you can handle it - that you're justified because of blah blah blah about your wife not meeting your needs - that you can just do what you think you need for yourself becasue of blah blah blah reasons and you only have one life to live so you might as well make the best of it - that love will trimuph....:sleeping: Well, if any of that rant is even close to what you've been telling yourself, you're already in over your head.

If you haven't said anything or made a move yet - your lucky - don't. At least not until you're legit and have finished EVERYTHING with your wife (that's a whole 'nother' rant). 

All this is coming to you courtesy of my personal experience - because right now, I'm standing in front of a 90 mph emotional freight train - it hasn't hit yet, but it's coming. I hope my rant can spare you pain similar to mine - just don't do it - at least not until you know you've done the right thing about your current relationships.


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## Rob774

Your having a EA, but its not that big of a EA, because more than likely, its one sided... yours. You are experiencing, the Grass is always Greener. Well sometimes its not, you are seeing all the good traits of hers that you want to see. Dating her... might be something totally different. You come into contact with a lot more emotions of woman when you are actually seeing her.

As for telling her on your wife. I live by the rule to never volunteer hurtful information. You could permantly damage your wife with this. And you could damage your professional relationship with this woman to talk to her about it. You've admitted your problem, which is step 1, now take the actions to not feel this way about this woman by concentrating on you marriage.


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## jc32

This is very dangerous ground you're walking. I've been in the same situation with a female coworker. A few years ago I had a job where most of my coworkers were women. I really clicked with one woman in particular, and it wasn't long before we were regularly having our coffee breaks together and going off privately to talk. She would share very intimate details about her sex life with me to see how I'd react, and frequently complain about her common law partners' lack of interest in her. To add more tension, she'd sometimes get changed in front of me in the locker room at work, just bra and panties, but still...
Anyway, I'd been happily married for 7 years, and all of a sudden I was feeling that "7 year itch". I found myself thinking about her all the time, comparing an imagined life with her to the reality of my existing marriage. I married young, and had never been with anyone other than my wife, and I started thinking that maybe I had rushed into it. All I can do is thank God I didn't do anything stupid. It has been over a year since I worked with this woman, and I realize what a HUGE mistake it would have been to act on this lusty, one sided flirtation. I love my wife so much, and to hurt her for some silly crush would make me truly hate myself. Many marriages go through stages where the magic seems to have fizzled, and you wonder if you're wasting the last few years of your (relative) youth with the wrong person. The truth is, you are probably at a stage in this infatuation where your brain is trying to convince your heart to leave your family, but your heart knows it's the wrong thing to do. All those people who are dating online and going out to clubs every weekend would kill to have a marriage like yours. Every time you start to think of this woman, think of your wife instead, remember all of the emotional intimacy you've shared with her over the years. I did this, and after a little while I stopped thinking of my coworker as often, and when I did think of her, it was in a non-sexual way. As a bonus, the knowledge that I had passed a very important test in my marriage made me appreciate the true value of my relationship with my wife in a way that I had not for a long time. Bottom line is don't do anything rash, cause the grass is always greener.


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## michzz

I have to wonder what is in it for this lady friend of yours from work.

I mean, think of it. She knows you are married with a child.

And if she is this stunning and smart woman you say she is, then she could crook her little finger and get any guy she wants.

So what does she do? Flirts with a married guy she works with.

Leaving aside your warped thinking that is about to consume you for a moment. 

Don't you find that a bit of a warning shot over the bow?

An honorable person who is such a catch would not indulge in such a destructive thing as to get involved with a married guy she works with.

It's a self destructive path that could screw up her career, work friendships, her reputation is on the line. And for what?

Back to you now.

Do you really think that now the only reason you married your wife was out of friendship and no other reason?

Seriously? You sound to me like someone rewriting his history so he can be ok with the idea of cheating.

Let me ask you this, does this woman bring out the best and most honorable aspect of your personality?

I doubt it.

You're bored with your wife with whom you raise a child.

So step up your game--with her!

Has it occurred to you that maybe you've been boring to her too?

Whatever you do, don't cheat. It is a devastating thing to find out that your spouse is a deceptive person willing to risk infecting you with STDs and use family funds to pay for the theft of time and affection that the affair represents.

If you just cannot refocus yourself on your wife, then divorce her and let her live a good life without you.

It is not likely that this woman you are infatuated with would be anything more than a dramatic short-term and hugely career impacting mistake if you cheat with her.

Do the right thing. End this infatuation.


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## Therealbrighteyes

michzz said:


> I have to wonder what is in it for this lady friend of yours from work.
> 
> I mean, think of it. She knows you are married with a child.
> 
> And if she is this stunning and smart woman you say she is, then she could crook her little finger and get any guy she wants.
> 
> So what does she do? Flirts with a married guy she works with.
> 
> Leaving aside your warped thinking that is about to consume you for a moment.
> 
> Don't you find that a bit of a warning shot over the bow?
> 
> An honorable person who is such a catch would not indulge in such a destructive thing as to get involved with a married guy she works with.
> 
> It's a self destructive path that could screw up her career, work friendships, her reputation is on the line. And for what?
> 
> Back to you now.
> 
> Do you really think that now the only reason you married your wife was out of friendship and no other reason?
> 
> Seriously? You sound to me like someone rewriting his history so he can be ok with the idea of cheating.
> 
> Let me ask you this, does this woman bring out the best and most honorable aspect of your personality?
> 
> I doubt it.
> 
> You're bored with your wife with whom you raise a child.
> 
> So step up your game--with her!
> 
> Has it occurred to you that maybe you've been boring to her too?
> 
> Whatever you do, don't cheat. It is a devastating thing to find out that your spouse is deceptive person willing to risk infecting you with STDs and use family funds to pay for the theft of time and affection that the affair represents.
> 
> If you just cannot refocus yourself on your wife, then divorce her and let her live a good life without you.
> 
> It is not likely that this woman you are infatuated with would be anything more than a dramatic short-term and hugely career impacting mistake if you cheat with her.
> 
> Do the right thing. End this infatuation.


Standing ovation Michzz. :smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## OhGeesh

Brennan said:


> Standing ovation Michzz. :smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:


I agree Awesome post Michzz!!!!! I agree also with another this is probably one sided!!
Give us a update OP best of luck to you and your Family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## scarletblue

Michzz hits the nail on the head!

Two things pop into my mind here. And they are kind of conflicting. One is that if you end your marriage...do it because you would rather be alone rather than with your wife. 

The second is that your wife deserves to be with someone she love, who can return that love to her. If you don't believe you can give that to her, let her go so she can get over you and find someone that deserves her love and returns it. 

Just a final thought here: You know those tv shows that over the years, there is sexual tension between the two characters? It builds up over episode after episode. Everyone wants them to get together. Then they finally do, and what happens? The show dies, the excitement is over. The build up is better than the final result.


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## Scannerguard

I have to agree with Michzz.

And it's ironic. . .I in a similiar situation, but interestingly enough. . .this woman and I never stepped over the line during our drama during our relationships and nutured an infatuation.

You are attracted to her. Fine. People attract other people.

You need to just categorize her in the category of "An Attractive Woman" and not a friend and all that.

Like Billy Crystal said to Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally: "Men and women can't just be friends."


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## SadSamIAm

I am of the opinion that everyone can have multiple soul mates. If you spend enough time with someone who has similar interests and who is attractive, you can end up having feelings for them. 

Also, even if you marry your soul mate, a few years down the road, things will get somewhat boring.

So, your choice is to start over every few years with a 'new' soul mate, or commit to the choice you made and work on that one relationship.

From reading this forum, and all the problems associated with affairs (EA or PA), I vote for working on your marriage. 

Yes the grass is greener on the other side for a while. But eventually, without a bunch of water and sunlight, the green starts to fade . I say fertilize the grass you are on.


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## LuckyCharmH

everyone outside the marriage will appear to us as stunning and hot and feel the tingling in your heart and down there, that is normal, that how men are created, I'm in same situation as yours and even many women to be the girl friend or friend with benefits. 
I always think about my kids and how much i love them, therefore I wont do any mistake and cut all the robs to cheating. 
everyone gets bored of his wife that is normal. may be that lady very nice to you because she knows u are married and wont hit on her so she trust u as friend.
dont look for what other people have look at what you have an what others are missing and be thankful, you have a job and a nice family and that worth the whole world.


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## Catherine602

LuckyCharmH said:


> everyone outside the marriage will appear to us as stunning and hot and feel the tingling in your heart and down there, that is normal, that how men are created, I'm in same situation as yours and even many women to be the girl friend or friend with benefits.
> I always think about my kids and how much i love them, therefore I wont do any mistake and cut all the robs to cheating.
> everyone gets bored of his wife that is normal. may be that lady very nice to you because she knows u are married and wont hit on her so she trust u as friend.
> dont look for what other people have look at what you have an what others are missing and be thankful, you have a job and a nice family and that worth the whole world.


I am curious - you did not mention the pain it would cause your wife. Would you take the women up on their offer if there were no children in the picture? Speaking of picture, is that you in that picture or just a some random hot hot dude?


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## Scannerguard

> Speaking of picture, is that you in that picture or just a some random hot hot dude?


Oh, that's me.

I loaned it to him. . .I was out for a bike ride that day and it was getting hot and I took off my shirt in slow motion.


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## Therealbrighteyes

Scannerguard said:


> Oh, that's me.
> 
> I loaned it to him. . .I was out for a bike ride that day and it was getting hot and I took off my shirt in slow motion.


And then rubbed suntan oil on.


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## Scannerguard

Oh, right, so, that was you, Brennan. . . who giggled, blushed, and looked shyly at me after I said:

"Eh, How YOU doin'?"


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## jessi

I want you to picture your wife's and children's faces when you tell them you have feelings for someone else, they have given you their love and loyaltiy and this is what you tell them. 
You will rip their world apart with this news.........marriages can survive a divorce but to add that someone has taken your wife's place, cruel.............
You are in the middle of affair fog thinking and hurting your family is an option for you, how sad that you have gotten yourself to this point........
If I were you I would start looking for new employment before your life becomes a living hell......
Read this site and give yourself a good understanding how you would feel yourself if you did this, how your wife would feel, both families......
Think about how everyone would feel about you and the OW......do you think people would still respect you two........
You have the power to wake up and be a better man than you are thinking of being..............


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## Catherine602

Scannerguard said:


> Oh, that's me.
> 
> I loaned it to him. . .I was out for a bike ride that day and it was getting hot and I took off my shirt in slow motion.


:rofl: I knew there was something about you I liked, now I know and am absolutely in lust with you Scanner :awink:

Michael I think you have gotten good guidance here and much to think about. It's difficult in your day to day life to keep it fresh and strong. 

I'm married and love my husband but I'm not immune from admiring the opposite sex, I have even had crushes on other men when my husband and I were having problems. 

The mistake is to take such attractions seriously. It may be cultural but, in my subculture it is considered natural to be attracted to members of the opposite sex even when in a committed relationship. It's just an amusing private thought, nothing more. It's considered abnormal to act on a crush and abandon one's family. 

What mature dignified person with an ounce of common sense would leave an established relationship and pursue an airy fairly relationship? I feel I hold the lives of my husband and children in my hand and for that reason, I will do all I can to concentrate on preserving that union.

There are probably 100's of compatible partners for each of us, and we will probably meet at lest 10 of them during a long-term relationship. So why stay with one person and let the others go? Simple, the relationship you are in will be similar to the relationship you will have with the crush, maybe or maybe not. You can jump ship and leave behind history, plans, kids, lifestyle for the a new life that may be similar to the old one in 3 yrs with less history and more chaos. 

You can't get away from the work that you need to do to maintain a relationship. You carry 50% or more of the trouble in the relationship with you to the next one. You rewrite history by saying that you never felt for your wife the way you feel for this woman, but you may want to look honestly at that feeling. 

What you are doing is making a mental slight of hand - all of the problems in the relationship is because of your incompatibility with your wife, you married her, had children but you are totally incompatible. You turn yourself into the perfect man capable of a vastly better relationship if only you had the right woman. 

But you would be the same man, the man who is ineffective at communicating and resolving conflicts in a long term relationship. He day dreams and then bolts. It's not all on you, but if you have given 110% and it still not working then do the honorable thing and end things with your wife and find someone else. A man who does that is of the highest caliber. 

Now, man up, you are too old to believe in fairy tales.


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## older&smarter

Hi Michael...Hope things are getting better for you. My suggestion would be to read this book. It'll give you alot of insight into your marriage/relationship. The book is called "Too good to leave Too bad to stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum. It'll help with your confusion


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## johnboy63

I would just be blunt with your coworker and tell her that you have a crush on her but also value your marriage. Maybe she will tell you she only likes you as a friend and your problem is solved. If she she ends up liking you more than a friend then you two need to work something out, either spend less time together or take it to the next level. That is definitely a tough situation. I have a female co-worker who I hit it off with right away. Only problem is she is a newly wed and loves her husband. She always invites me to hang out with them which can be awkward at times when she flirts with me in front of her husband. I have confronted her before and she plans on being faithful to him though she also said things would be different if she was single. 
So either: 
a)keep it just friends and work on your marriage 
b)divorce wife, get with co-worker
c)keep wife and co-worker (yeah right)
d)dump both, work on your self


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## johnboy63

johnboy63 said:


> I would just be blunt with your coworker and tell her that you have a crush on her but also value your marriage. Maybe she will tell you she only likes you as a friend and your problem is solved. If she she ends up liking you more than a friend then you two need to work something out, either spend less time together or take it to the next level. That is definitely a tough situation. I have a female co-worker who I hit it off with right away. Only problem is she is a newly wed and loves her husband. She always invites me to hang out with them which can be awkward at times when she flirts with me in front of her husband. I have confronted her before and she plans on being faithful to him though she also said things would be different if she was single.
> So either:
> a)keep it just friends and work on your marriage
> b)divorce wife, get with co-worker
> c)keep wife and co-worker (yeah right)
> d)dump both, work on your self


I just realized I might have been insensitive with my post. Sorry if I was. It is true your wife and daughter may and most likely will feel betrayed if you left them for someone else. That is the selfish route. But being unhappy with yourself in your marriage is also unhealthy for everyone involved. I've known a few dead beat dads/husbands who pretty much tell me the same thing... they were better off without me than with me there and cheating.


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## Snooring

a.mckay26 said:


> I don't have too much advice, but I would bring up one point. It is very easy to see all the good things in your coworker when you have those feelings of lust. But do you have to have hard conversations with her like about your house, money, family, etc? Probably not.
> 
> It’s fun being with that other person, because you are putting your best foot forward around them. Everyone has flaws, does she know yours? Do you let them come out around her or at work? Probably not.
> 
> I would talk to your wife about feeling unfulfilled in the marriage. Then you could try a therapist and if that doesn't work go your separate ways. Don't remain in a loveless marriage, you will only regret it and resent her.
> 
> And don't get physical with your coworker. If you feel like you are both in love, it will work out in the end. After you are divorced.


:iagree:


Well explained


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## Jellybeans

Tread carefully.

Your options are to either work on your marriage or get a divorce. Don't cheat. It's the worst thing you could do.


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## Jellybeans

Ok I just noticed this thread was from January and someone necro'ed it. I guess the OP never came back...


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## iammine26

I am in a very similar situation to the OP. I have an important element to add to this scenario that might shed another dynamic that could be at play. I am married and we have a very stable, functional relationship and we rarely fight. In my case I would say that we probably have never actually ever really been in love but have stayed together because things were stable and work well. Further to this I grew up in a household where there was not any real overt love and therefore I had grown up probably not knowing what love was. I now have children and because of them now know what love really feels like - obviously love for children is different than that of a spouse, but I would do absolutely anything for my kids and honestly I can't say the same thing about my wife. Now I have a coworker that I have been working closely with for a number of months. There are so many facets to her that just totally capture and engulf me. What is even more interesting is that despite the fact that I find her stunning and beautiful I do not lust for her primarily for physical purposes. I simply just love being around her, talking to her, being close to her. Physical interests are a distant second and that is a bizarre state for me. This is uncharted territory. I haven't felt this way for anybody and I have never felt this way for my wife. 

So, what I am trying to say is that despite being 'married' sometimes it takes further life experiences to really undestand and recognize actual love. I feel I have found that and feel that way for this coworker. I just wanted to add this perspective to the conversation.


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## DoF

OP, your post has 80/20 written ALL over it.

Lots of advice for you.

#1 first and foremost. PUT YOURSELF IN YOUR WIFE'S SHOES, and assume everything you are doing SHE is doing.

How does that make you feel? You should think about this for 10-15 min. Accept that you are doing something VERY VERY wrong (Emotional Cheating).

#2 STAY AWAY from your co worker. You do realize that even if you were single, dating a co worker is a HUGE no no. For THOUSANDS of reasons. 

#3 Practice MENTAL CONTROL. You have very little/none. if the thoughts of her come up, you need to deflect them and think of other things. It's YOUR RESPONSIBILITY as a married men.

Remember "Men is defined by their word", right now, your word you gave to your wife....is worthless, and your current actions are that of a BOY/not a MAN.

#4 let's assume you chase this girl. Why in the world would you start a relationship while you are IN ONE. First, settle your current relationship, once divorced, you wait good 6 months to a year to HEAL......LONG LONG LONG before you date again. By that time, chances are high she will be off the market (especially since she is 1 in a million like you tell us).

#5 She is NOT one in a million, if she was, she wouldn't' be single. This is your brain tricking you again.

#6 You need to work harder on your current relationship. Problem is, you have disabled yourself from doing so by engaging with this woman. Have you spoken to your wife about what you wrote here/your feelings? Have you taken Marriage Counseling? You need to put the effort you put into your co worker and put it into your marriage.

#7 read up on 80/20 rule in a relationship. There is a GOOD reason why you are with your wife!

#8 Stop BSing us and yourself with "forced to married". No one had a gun to your head and YOU made a decision and you need to stick to it now. This is your brain tricking you AGAIN to justify your cheating.

I can go on and on, but I will tell you right now.......as I read your post, RED FLAGS are going off left and right.

BTW, This is completely normal, human nature. Whenever you have 2 members of opposite sex spend lot of time together......it's a matter of time. Now you see why I don't believe in male/female "friendships".

STAY AWAY FROM OPPOSITE SEX.Especially those that kick up feelings/certain atmosphere. This is YOUR responsibility as a married person.

You need to deal with the consequences of your own actions (which is, spending way too much time/and thinking too much about this lady).

Be smart, wise up and make YOUR WIFE/CHILDREN a priority (like they deserve to be!!!). 

For every hour you spend working with this lady, you should be spending 2-3 hours with your wife!


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## DoF

iammine26 said:


> I am in a very similar situation to the OP. I have an important element to add to this scenario that might shed another dynamic that could be at play. I am married and we have a very stable, functional relationship and we rarely fight. In my case I would say that we probably have never actually ever really been in love but have stayed together because things were stable and work well. Further to this I grew up in a household where there was not any real overt love and therefore I had grown up probably not knowing what love was. I now have children and because of them now know what love really feels like - obviously love for children is different than that of a spouse, but I would do absolutely anything for my kids and honestly I can't say the same thing about my wife. Now I have a coworker that I have been working closely with for a number of months. There are so many facets to her that just totally capture and engulf me. What is even more interesting is that despite the fact that I find her stunning and beautiful I do not lust for her primarily for physical purposes. I simply just love being around her, talking to her, being close to her. Physical interests are a distant second and that is a bizarre state for me. This is uncharted territory. I haven't felt this way for anybody and I have never felt this way for my wife.
> 
> So, what I am trying to say is that despite being 'married' sometimes it takes further life experiences to really undestand and recognize actual love. I feel I have found that and feel that way for this coworker. I just wanted to add this perspective to the conversation.


BS

Your words are of a weak minded individual. 

Every single men in this world feels like this at one point or another. Many stray because they allow their mental state/thoughts you wrote out take CONTROL of them.

The proper thing to do is MANAGE your brain (which we all know tricks us/plays game son us ALL THE TIME)l and deflect those feelings when they come up with the co worker.

ALSO, RECOGNITION of these feelings is also extremely important. When they come up/you feel them > recognize and deal with them RIGHT AWAY. This happens to me few times a year.....and just about every men out there too (and women I'm sure).

Problem with you and OP (although I have a feeling you 2 are the same people) is that you have 0 recognition, you don't deal with it and you don't exercise any mental control.

If you were to do so, you would have NEVER EVER gotten to a point where you are today.

This is no different then dealing with normal life issues. Think of it as as snowball going down the hill. If you don't deal with it/address it, it only gets bigger as it rolls down the hill and the crash at the end is bigger.

DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR INACTION. Yes, the snow ball is HUGE now and YES you are about to crash into something big (end your marriage and get into rebound type of relationship which most likely won't last anyways).

Cause you know VERY VERY Well that you will jump into bed with this lady the second your wife knows it's over. No way in HELL you will do the right thing and WORK on your marriage, put in effort, Divorce and then heal for # of months like any smart/mature adult WOULD do.



And again, let's assume you end your marriage AND heal.

Getting into a relationship with a co worker is probably one of the dumbest things a person can do. Heck, I will go as far as saying that getting even into FRIENDSHIPS at work is sketchy. I've had my share, and there always comes a point where work/company creates enemies out of you or creates some kind of awkward situation.

I just don't do it anymore, I've been burned too many times....and we are NOT even talking love relationship (which would be 10x worst).


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## Yeswecan

michael1181 said:


> I'm married, have a good job, young daughter but ultimately got married because I felt pressured to. My mistake but we were young and I caved to pressure from family. * Justifying are we?*
> 
> I do love my wife and family *no you don't* but our relationship has gotten very dull over the years. *What did you do to stop it?* She's not a girly girl and never will be and I miss that from my dating days. *Poor thing you.* She's a wonderful woman, we get along, we have fun together, but she probably always was better meant as a friend and not a wife. Just too many things missing from our relationship. *Like you. You are at work looking to dip your pen in the company ink. *
> 
> A coworker who I've known for 2 years and I hit it off from the beginning. We work closely together on projects so spend a lot of time together and have gotten to know each other really well. We've never had an argument, we see eye to eye on 99% of what we work on, she's fun, full of energy, intelligent, very attractive, and shows real interest in me. Whether it's work conversations or personal conversations, we just seem to connect. I'm developing a huge crush on her and feel silly saying that but it seems to be progressing further than a harmless crush. She is single and not dating anyone at the moment either. *Just the land of unicorns and butterflies. Your W can not compete against that. But she can clean you drawers.*
> 
> I've been trying to be more intimate with my wife, do more with her, go on dates together without our daughter, talk with her more, and just try to work on the problem areas of our marriage. My thought is my feelings for my coworker are more what I feel I'm missing in my relationship so it's attractive. *You are comparing your W to your coworker. Not good. *
> 
> Our marriage is doing better because of the extra effort but I continually find myself thinking of my coworker and wanting to get to work so I can interact with her, talk with her, see her. I have dreams about her and just can't get her out of my mind. She went from coworker to friend to "if I was single we'd be together" slowly over the last 2 years. *Your are deep in an EA. Again, your W cannot compete with that. *
> 
> I try to find faults with her that might help me break this crush but she is so physically and intellectually attractive she's one of those 1 in a million women, I have never met anyone like her. *Oh brother...unicorns and butterflies again. Sir, she is just like everyone else. But you cannot see that through the fog. *
> 
> I don't want to hurt my wife or kids, *You already are.* but no matter what I seem to do I keep thinking of this other woman and can't help but wonder what life would be like with her and if I'm missing out on that "soul mate" *Sheeh..another soul mate.* relationship. My parents are divorced and are far happier now with their new spouses than they ever were together. *That makes it all better now when you D your wife? *
> 
> These are feelings I never felt with my wife even when we were dating. *Sounds like a personal problem. Your coworker is not going to help with that because soon you will feel this way with the next coworker that is your "soul mate"*
> 
> I can't exactly quit my job or limit my interaction with her, the company is small and only so many people in each department and the economy isn't good for my line of work. It would help if she had a boyfriend but she's content being single and seems more like she's waiting for something...or someone. *Reads like a romance novel. *
> 
> I haven't talked with my wife *You should. She has the right to know of your EA* or coworker about this. I'm afraid my coworker would reveal the same feelings for me which would really pull at my heart...or she would have the exact opposite feelings and not be understanding and then work becomes very awkward.
> 
> If I'm reading her right, she shares the same feelings as I but is being respectful of my marriage. *Glad someone is. Sure is not you.* My wife by nature worries about things and would end up worrying that I'm having an affair or would be seduced and so on. * Ummmm...you are in EA right now. Your W fears are not unfounded. *
> 
> How do you have that conversation with your wife?
> I love you but I'm falling for my unmarried coworker. *Good luck with that. She just lead the conversation for you. It will start with, "pack your belongings. *
> 
> Is it wise to have this conversation with my coworker? outside of work of course. *Nope*
> How do I have this conversation with my wife? *You tell her flat out. Then prepare to look for another place to stay. *
> Do I continue to hold back the urge to say/do something and leave things be? *You remove yourself from the job. Find another. *
> 
> I'm not unhappy in my marriage, but I know in my heart it was the wrong thing to do and now I feel stuck that I'm missing out on the person I should have married (whether it be my coworker or someone else) and I have the same sorrow for my wife. *Justifying again are you? *
> 
> any advice would be helpful
> Michael


My advise...respect your W, kid and marriage. That simple. Find a new job. Tell your W about your EA going on. Hope she does not drop you like a bad habit. 

Sorry I'm appearing a bit harsh but you really need to read what you wrote and understand the fantasyland you have just purchased a ticket for. Nothing but drivel. 

Your W and kid deserve better. You just don't have what it takes. Sorry.


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## Yeswecan

iammine26 said:


> I am in a very similar situation to the OP. I have an important element to add to this scenario that might shed another dynamic that could be at play. I am married and we have a very stable, functional relationship and we rarely fight. In my case I would say that we probably have never actually ever really been in love but have stayed together because things were stable and work well. Further to this I grew up in a household where there was not any real overt love and therefore I had grown up probably not knowing what love was. I now have children and because of them now know what love really feels like - obviously love for children is different than that of a spouse, but I would do absolutely anything for my kids and honestly I can't say the same thing about my wife. Now I have a coworker that I have been working closely with for a number of months. There are so many facets to her that just totally capture and engulf me. What is even more interesting is that despite the fact that I find her stunning and beautiful I do not lust for her primarily for physical purposes. I simply just love being around her, talking to her, being close to her. Physical interests are a distant second and that is a bizarre state for me. This is uncharted territory. I haven't felt this way for anybody and I have never felt this way for my wife.
> 
> So, what I am trying to say is that despite being 'married' sometimes it takes further life experiences to really undestand and recognize actual love. I feel I have found that and feel that way for this coworker. I just wanted to add this perspective to the conversation.


That is all well and good but perhaps your spouse would like to have a choice. It is best to start with communicating the dissatisfaction with the marriage. Look to have a amicable separation and carry on. Not cake eat(having your soiled undergarments cleaned for you and all the other trimmings) while looking to score the coworker. Crappy perspective if you ask me. Funny how this perspective comes into play when a person has found there soul mate and true love. Just fitting.....


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## Amplexor

Zombie Thread. I have asked the new member to open a new thread to discuss this issue.


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