# what do you do on your "15 hours a week" and what do you talk about?



## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

so... as most of us here know, it is good for our relationships if we spend 15 hours a week with our spouse.. so if you are doing it, what activities do you do on that time? 

what topics do you talk about? (because it seems all we talk about is how was work? it was ok.. ok and then we just read together)

what do you laugh together about? any special sites where you read funny stuff to each other etc?


thanks


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

We cook together practically every night. For us it's second only to sex. Hmm, what do we talk about (besides the food), basically everything and nothing. Current events, family, the weekend, people are idiots, what we've read, whatever.

No specific sites but we do share what we've read. We do tend to be goofy.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

We go way over the "15 hours".... and love it!

It's great because in each of our prior marriages we'd each felt neglected, rejected...all of that. And now it's the total opposite. 

When we first started dating I remember telling my friends "He talks...A LOT." And he does...which is awesome. We talk about everything and anything.

Family stuff (huge blended family), cultures (Yankee vs. Texan...I'm the Yankee... in Texas), sex, work, jokes, politics, historical events (I teach Texas history and he is a history buff with the memory of an elephant), current events, movies, friends, travel plans, travel wishes, friends travels ("why would anyone want to go THERE???), the cats (we speak for them), exes, projects, hobbies,TAM, religion, money, house plans, grandkids....

And the list goes on. We do have quiet times.... but we are guilty of talking during movies, interrupting each other's computer time, sharing websites and jokes, and facebook posts.... 

What do we do? We have date nite every Friday....and it seems like we've added Monday too, sometimes kids and grands join us on Monday nite at the local Mexican diner. We sit on the patio and listen to songs (we have an awesome Sunday morning playlist), we go to random Harley or HOG events, we check out "downtown" city events, go to a bar and listen to local musicians, hang out with our friends just talking and singing on their patio, ride around town just talking and singing, go window shopping (especially at the junk shops), neck in the park (or more, depending on the time of day and amount of people around!), ride somewhere on H's motorcycle, help the kids with a home improvement project, eat together, sometimes go to the gym together, once in awhile ride bikes around the neighborhood, help each other with projects, etc.... 

And we still find time for ourselves to have "alone time". Or friend time. Or grandkid time. And we have amazing sex every nite. We go to sleep easily and wake up smiling! 

Life is good.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

The Marriage Builders concept recommends that a couple spend this time doing fun date-like things to meet the top four intimate emotional needs - conversation, recreation, affection and sex. So, do a hobby together, talk to one another, be affectionate, have sex. Basically, the stuff you two did together when you were dating and falling in love. Marriage Builders also doesn't count the time toward that 15 hours if the two of you are just in the same room doing parallel activities. You need to be engaging with one another.

There are boxes of conversation starter cards available online if you need some help talking to one another. But do keep in mind that both partners will need to be on board with actively working to make conversation, to find a fun hobby to do together, to be affectionate with one another and to make time for sex in order for all of this to really work. It's next to impossible to fill those 15 hours a week if one or both partners aren't willing to really engage and participate. And it may feel awkward or forced at first, until you two get good at making yourselves pleasant companions for one another and build greater compatibility.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

SunnyT said:


> We go way over the "15 hours".... and love it!


Same here... Way more than 15 hours.

A lot of those hours are spent just snuggling in each other's arms, which is my favorite place to be


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

We have about 50 hours together each week, and a great deal of that is interactive. Some of that is shared chores and planning, sex, discussing what we watch on TV or have read about online or in the various books we're reading, exercising together, running errands together, going dancing or dance practice at home, planning activities and trips, etc.

Our conversations cover a wide range. A common one is relationship issues (occasionally ours, mostly issues and attitudes of others, how and why they work or fail, etc.). Others may be fashion (she likes programs like Project Runway or What Not to Wear, and I help her shop and edit her wardrobe), religion and philosophy (it can get interesting as we come at it from an atheist/Buddhist perspective), science (the recent paper on cosmological inflation, or implications of neutrino decay on the antimatter abundance question - yeah, we're a little nerdy), or maybe just when and where to retire, or which bottle of wine to open.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Back when I was married, and under normal conditions, me and my rich, skanky XW spent a great deal of our time together doing ranching chores, like feeding and watering horses and cows, fixing fence lines, chasing wild feral hogs off the ranch, hauling hay, et.al. 
*
*We also spent time on the road together with her watching my officiating and would spend time out of town together at various livestock, trade, and book shows. At home, we spent hours working on lawn maintenance and the like, only until she told me that she didn't like how I performed it, so I was then relegated to doing only certain ranch chores on my own, without her assistance. 
*
*That's when we really seemed to start growing apart! Her out-of-town trips were then being made without me, and as the evidence would later reveal, were done to facilitate her trysts with men, whose existence to me was something that I didn't really have the first damn clue about!*


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you have trouble thinking of things to talk about google "conversation starters" or things like "Conversation starters for lovers"

Copy of several that look interesting and then bring those up when you are together. Make sure some of them are just down right silly so that some humor is introduced.

Get involved in a hobby together: Scuba diving, dancing, gardening... something that you can both learn and do together.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Well since we moved to opposing work schedules 15 hours a week sleeping together is pretty rare. 
I like cooking together she prefers eating out together. 
I think I should make a goal and start tracking this. Conversation is probably the only one of the four that is getting enough time. I'm pretty sure an even split of time isn't going to work. 4 hours of sex a week, I think that might go back to honeymoon standard. I'll have to figure out how to work in ore recreation and affection.
MN


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> *...chasing wild feral hogs off the ranch...*


This is one of my FAVORITE things to do TOO!

(jk Arbitrator, never seen a feral hog in my life and wouldn't know what to do if I saw one -- but your comment made me smile)

:lol:


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> This is one of my FAVORITE things to do TOO!
> 
> (jk Arbitrator, never seen a feral hog in my life and wouldn't know what to do if I saw one -- but your comment made me smile)
> 
> :lol:


*This was what we were chasing!
*










*This is the damage they did to prime pasture and ranch land!*










*And serious bodily damage if a boar ever got to you with his tusks!*


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Are they good eats?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

my wife and I usually spend time ,lying on the bed talking about how we spent our day whenever we spent it apart. We tell each other jokes, exchange massages and back rubs.
We also spend time surfing TV channels and looking at each others favorite shows [ sometimes.]

But we work together so we spend a lot of working hours discussing work related stuff.

Sometimes we lie in silence , her legs or part of her torso across mine ,just enjoying each others company.

We don't always talk, but still enjoy each other's company a lot.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

LOL @ "People are idiots"

That's a prime topic of our convos, too. 

Those pigs are adorable! Seriously your previous life sounds dreamy. I would love to have land and animals...we live deep in metropolitan suburbia. 

Staying on topic: H and I have trouble coming up with unique things to talk abt that are not work or kid related. We sometimes pull up CNN and use whatever is on the front page news as a convo topic. Or we use Reddit.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

CharlieParker said:


> Are they good eats?


*You tell me!*



















*As we say in Texas vernacular, "It's larrupin good!"*


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

We're cooking more together or at least catching-up while dinner is being made. Conversations vary from work, our experiences, books we're reading, observations, comedy, etc. We're house-hunting so that's a focus of conversation at the moment. Sometimes it's just goof-ballness. Sometimes topics arise from pod-casts or articles or friends.

Picking last night as a random example. Hubs needed some chill time. He read his uber-cool comic book that I got him for his birthday while I made us dinner. We sat chatting at the dinner table for about 2hours, long after the food was eaten. We talked about his work concerns, behavior of ourselves and others, certain industries of growth and decline, and about comic books lol - with him sharing in great detail the story-lines of the ones I'd gotten for him. And I'm all ears with that stuff! 

I had cued up 90's slow-jams for dinner and so we also had a laugh over some of the songs. There was a little bit of shoulder grooving occurring. Then we went into the kitchen to clean up together and ended up making-out...... good times.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

finding-a-path said:


> what do you laugh together about?


I think laughter with us greatly comes from just being silly - often something a bit random and then both of us running with it. 

We both enjoy similar comedians too. The other week we were in stitches watching old Bernie Mac clips. We love Chris Rock, Louis CK, Brian Regan ...sometimes our silliness stems from their skits afterwards.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> *This was what we were chasing!
> *
> 
> 
> ...


OMG , what an alien invasion. Looks like you need a silencer on that rifle....shoot as many as you can before they get spooked.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

murphy5 said:


> OMG , what an alien invasion. Looks like you need a silencer on that rifle....shoot as many as you can before they get spooked.


*And a hunting license is not required to shoot them here in Texas!

And this is where they are currently situated in the United States!*


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

We spend a lot more than 15 hours doing things together, just the two of us. Then there is family time on top of that.

We have about an hour together each morning, sex, talking over brekky and we shower together most days.

Then evenings about 4 or 5 hours hours of cooking, talking, having a wine and sex.

Weekends ATM are renovating and the odd social catch up. But the usual weekend is cycling, gardening, cooking, sex, watching our fave shows, seeing bands, socialising. 

We are off for a family holiday next week, 16 days living in each others pockets lol, the kids will be sick of us.

Topics we talk about vary from kids (we don't have kids together but have 5 between us), politics, sex, our lives and future together, current affairs, football, travel, music etc.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

We spend time exercising, walking around our neighborhood, talking about our day, playing racquetball, and going to the nearby driving range and hitting two buckets of balls followed by 40 minutes of putting. We read together at times, share a few TV shows together, and talk to family a lot. We all work in our yard and love to be outside when the temperatures are not too hot. We also talk about politics and current events and upcoming travel. We try to get in "date nights" about once ever other week when possible. Our son is out of school right now, so he is usually with us.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

15 hours A WEEK is enough to sustain marriage?

I will have to disagree with that.

Assuming one works 40 hours and sleeps 8 hours a day, you end up with about 70 hours a week. 

Marriage is a PRIORITY and one should dedicate MOST of that 70 hours to their loved one. At the VERY least 50% which is about 35 hours.

15 hours is a joke....


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

We are SO lacking in this area. Between H's travel schedule (he's away now and has missed this year Valentine Day Mothers Day and Fathers Day) and baby, time for just the two of us is truly lacking. When he comes home from work its usually baby time for him, then dinner and then the 3 of us together taking a walk, playing outside, or at the park until she goes to bed around 9:30. We usually talk/watch a hour of tv then to bed between 10:30 and 11:00. Sex is still the same frequency about 3 or 4 times week when he is in town. 

Weekends for us are usually 3 or so hours of yard/car/fix-it stuff for him and misc stuff for me, then family stuff (we both have big families and the graduations, recitals, promotions, celebrations have been ENDLESS since early May).

Did any other couples find it extremley hard with the first baby?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

committed4ever said:


> We are SO lacking in this area. Between H's travel schedule (he's away now and has missed this year Valentine Day Mothers Day and Fathers Day) and baby, time for just the two of us is truly lacking. When he comes home from work its usually baby time for him, then dinner and then the 3 of us together taking a walk, playing outside, or at the park until she goes to bed around 9:30. We usually talk/watch a hour of tv then to bed between 10:30 and 11:00. Sex is still the same frequency about 3 or 4 times week when he is in town.
> 
> Weekends for us are usually 3 or so hours of yard/car/fix-it stuff for him and misc stuff for me, then family stuff (we both have big families and the graduations, recitals, promotions, celebrations have been ENDLESS since early May).
> 
> Did any other couples find it extremely hard with the first baby?


1st is always the hardest, but if time investment is lacking I would suggest looking for a job with no travel.

As a father, I simply could never accept a job that required ANY travel. My wife needed reinforcement EACH AND EVERY DAY (especially once we had #2, #3 and #4).

I even changed careers due to that. Now I'm down to 5 min commute to/from work and LOVE it.

I used to do 1 hour each way, that sucked but still 10x better than traveling.

I'm sure your husband can find a job that doesn't require travel.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I've never took a tally on the hours in a week me & H spend , but I know it is way more than 15....he has 2 days off during the week...so when the kids are in school.. there is a good 8 hrs in that day alone we are side by side, it's all about us..(unless we are working on some project)...we savor our Play time...we watch movies together... every night we shut the kids out , have a good 2 + hrs right there.. After work, often we are near each other.. we may just be in the same room, doing our own thing... or outside getting something done -helping each other.

Our communication...it's very free flowing ...Husband is not the social animal I can be ...but he's more than willing to engage.. he is open, approachable.... we banter....we have heart to heart discussions... (sometimes just hanging outside in our gazebo swing).. he likes to make fun of me -but I love this somehow, and I do the same.. our form of amusement at times.. then we're affectionate in our sharing with each other.. we can be all over the map... but it's all good.. We've cried together and laughed so hard I peed myself. 

He tells me about his day at work ..what's up with the guys, some of the crazy things they talk about ... the Boss's antics, anything funny, juicy, the highlights.. and I always do the same.. if we ran into an old friend out & about... we'd fill each other in...stuff like that.. 

I did a thread on this sort of thing.. if one is struggling to know what to talk about.. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ng-intimacy-insight-open-ended-questions.html

As for what we DO....our kids keep us hopping/ running them around/ their activities... we like to get out and take walks in the woods/ the park... ride bikes together, go to the movies, out to eat, we enjoy hostessing parties at our house for our teens -we invite our friends, these are good times...

We are kinda homebody-ish..can't say we belong to any country clubs or fitness clubs - we try to take a # of little vacations away from home -this gets us out....cabins, camping...making those memories.... We enjoy taking them to amusement parks, museums, the zoo..... swimming.... sometimes it's just about the kids.. and this makes us happy too.


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## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

DoF said:


> 15 hours A WEEK is enough to sustain marriage?
> 
> I will have to disagree with that.
> 
> ...


wow. you spend about 35 hours a week together? that is sweet  can i please request you to answer the 1st post too? because it will be nice to know what you are doing and what you are talking about  

thanks


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

finding-a-path said:


> wow. you spend about 35 hours a week together? that is sweet  can i please request you to answer the 1st post too? because it will be nice to know what you are doing and what you are talking about
> 
> thanks


I'm at 8-9 hours per day during week day and about 12-14 hour per day on weekends.

MOST of our time is spent together as wife and I are best friends as well.

During the week, mostly family/household oriented stuff (cooking, kids, homework etc). We usually go out for a walk/hike or play sports after dinner during the week.

On weekends we schedule longer hikes/sports or go to sons games. Watching movies, playing pingpong/legos........it really doesn't matter what we do.

What matters is that we are together.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

DoF said:


> 1st is always the hardest, but if time investment is lacking I would suggest looking for a job with no travel.
> 
> As a father, I simply could never accept a job that required ANY travel. My wife needed reinforcement EACH AND EVERY DAY (especially once we had #2, #3 and #4).
> 
> ...


Not that easy. He doesn't have a degree and this was an opportunity for him that is unprecedented.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

It would be nice to be able to schedule a possible 70 hours together in a week instead of a month. I've put together a record of the week so far. If the rest of today goes well there will be a possible 10 hours in the first 3 days. 5 of them will be taken up by meals. 
I brought up this topic with my wife this morning. Her first thought was where would we find 15 hours. Then she agreed that affection and recreation should get more time. now if we count tv or movies as together time we could work in an hour a week of things we watch together. 
Wife spends about an hour and a half on commute each week. averages 48 hours on the clock. My commute is minutes and I average 40. She sleeps 9 hours out of every 24, I sleep 7.
We live for Friday and Saturday, but lately that hasn't been working so well. This past weekend she spent 20 of 24 asleep. just stunned me I didn't think it could be done. Of course I will be with friends (church) and Son (16) from Friday after work until Saturday night. There is no point in changing that schedule because She is much more interested in me after I spend time camping. (more proof that having outside interests and hobbies make a guy more interesting). If this post is still active at the end of the week I'll report again.
MN


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

finding-a-path said:


> wow. you spend about 35 hours a week together? that is sweet  can i please request you to answer the 1st post too? because it will be nice to know what you are doing and what you are talking about
> 
> thanks


The key is to find what you and your spouse like to do. You may not enjoy what others do during their 15+ hours. Think of activities you two would like to do based on your lifestyle and where you live. Think of topics you two would like to talk about. If you do what others do it may not work for you because that's not what you two are about.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

Between work and teenage boys activities, we struggle to find the time. Especially since we are both relatively introverts at heart.

I tried to get her to watch TV w/me, but that is a struggle: find things we both like, keep her from multi-tasking (aka internet), etc. 

Good thread, I am coming up with some ideas for us


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## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

i thought watching TV together didn't count?


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

I would think t.v. could count depending on how you watch t.v. My family says that watching tv with us is like watching interactive t.v. Because we are constantly talking to each other, joking, commenting, etc. I have gotten addicted to a house flipping show that is 30 minutes but it takes us an hour or more to watch because of the pause, comment, joke, etc. So to me that would count, right?

ETA: if both are just engrossed in the show and just shushing each other if one of them talks, then thats another thing.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

About a year ago we got new couch we both can lie on while watching TV (previously we had smaller his and hers couches). It really helped up the intimacy, we have no kids so we're all over each other. And while not the core of our quality time it is a fun and welcome addition.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

CharlieParker said:


> About a year ago we got new couch we both can lie on while watching TV (previously we had smaller his and hers couches). It really helped up the intimacy, we have no kids so we're all over each other. And while not the core of our quality time it is a fun and welcome addition.


Pics? (Of the couch I mean, LOL)


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I would not include TV viewing such as watching the news as quality time. 

Over here we tend to always have a special series on the go and will snuggle up together to watch between 2 and 4 episodes together. We have mini breaks, go outside to chat and have a wine and then back to the next episode. I see that as together time.


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## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

Holland said:


> I would not include TV viewing such as watching the news as quality time.
> 
> Over here we tend to always have a special series on the go and will snuggle up together to watch between 2 and 4 episodes together. We have mini breaks, go outside to chat and have a wine and then back to the next episode. I see that as together time.


what shows do you watch? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Walk/Hike


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

finding-a-path said:


> what shows do you watch?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


ATM we are half way through Six Feet Under, I have seen the whole series before, he hasn't. Before that it was Sons of Anarchy. Both shows give us lots to talk about, the politics involved, the relationships etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

Holland said:


> ATM we are half way through Six Feet Under, I have seen the whole series before, he hasn't. Before that it was Sons of Anarchy. Both shows give us lots to talk about, the politics involved, the relationships etc.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We are watching person of interest. 
we have grimm season 3 arrow season 2 and some more to watch


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

We are hooked on Person of Interest too...My wife loves this show!


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Hubby and I had a short talk about this when he got back home on Wednesday. Short because when I brought it up that we needed more time together he said he had been thinking about that while he was away and had put in for leave on Thursday and Friday. We had good family time with baby on Thursday and on yesterday, we dropped baby at my Mom's right after breakfast and had a whole day of just carefree fun. Swam in the pool for a few hours, sun bathed a little, fixed a nice, healthy lunch TOGETHER (that RARELY happens!). Canceled out the healthy lunch by eating ice cream cones in the park. Went a few places to look at some exercise equipment, did a few drive-bys for possible house flips. Grilled some turkey burgers for dinner and picked up baby an hour or so before her bedtime.

It was GREAT!


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