# Advice for dealing with a roommate like marriage situation?



## NiceGuy36 (Feb 22, 2012)

Ok, I have been married for 8 years. My wife and I have had our share of issues like any couple. Increasingly, it feel like I am living with a roommate instead of a wife. We barely talk except to talk about things of essential day to day household function matters. We have been to MC a couple of times over the years. My wife is, and has been a person willing to just accept things as they are. I have a lot of drive and ambition. They fact that she doesn`t take care of herself physically is a problem for me, the fact that she has barely worked throughout our marriage is a problem to me, the fact that she stays home yet I am constantly having to do housework is a problem for me. She bores me sexually. There just isnt that "it" that spark there anymore. I am bored with my marriage, constantly frustrated by how my wife chooses to live her life, and starting to question why I am still with her other than because of our two children. I have a good job that pays well, have kept myself in excellent shape over the years, and I`m not one of these men who expect their wives to do everything while they sit and watch tv when they get home from work. I have no problem doing my fair share. I increasingly feel like I am being cheated out of a life that I should have because my wife isnt willing to do what I should be able to reasonably expect from her. So my qestion I guess is: How do I get more out of her since she seems to not care what my needs are. I have been bordering on blunt at times and have made it clear the things I want and need from her, butshe thinks I should just accept things how they are and deal with it. Thanks.
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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

NiceGuy36 said:


> So my qestion I guess is: How do I get more out of her since she seems to not care what my needs are.


You can't make someone do something they themselves don't want to do.

She's already stated that she thinks things are fine and that you need to just accept that.

Balls in your court now. You asked for more and she said no. Is this a dealbreaker or not?


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## NiceGuy36 (Feb 22, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> You can't make someone do something they themselves don't want to do.
> 
> She's already stated that she thinks things are fine and that you need to just accept that.
> 
> Balls in your court now. You asked for more and she said no. Is this a dealbreaker or not?


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## NiceGuy36 (Feb 22, 2012)

That`s the question obviously. not sure what the answer is. My question is can I get more out of her and if so, how? genuinely dont want to split because of my kids. maybe I should have asked how can I compel her to give me more?
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## behappy123 (Jan 5, 2013)

The only person that you can change is yourself and nobody else. If she is happy with the ways things are and she isn't willing to change some things because they will make you happy than there is nothing you can do to change her mind.

That being said, you need to look within yourself and see how you are contributing to the same old same old. Are you trying to interact the same way every single time and expecting different results? 

One spouse has to start the ball rolling with change or it will never happen. If you interact differently than that has to change the outcome. 

There is a book called "Divorce Busting" that really talks about this. If you don't like things, start changing the things that you can and she will have no choice but to change her response to it. 

As far as the working, housework, ect, that is a tough one because you can't make her do these things. I did read one time that the more one spouse does, the less the other will do. if you are always the one to do dishes than she won't because she knows that you will do them. If they sit there long enough, she will get the hint.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Are you certain there is no one else in the picture? 

Was she ever a go getter? You can encourage her by making changes in yourself. If you leave things undone, what does she do? Suppose you let things go and no matter what, don't do them. 

Do you part only and no more. Why not stop cleaning the BR, leave the dishes in the sink, do the vital task like washing clothes. If she does not put her clothes in the laundry dont pick them up. 

You work so you do about 25 % of Chores the 75% goes to the kids and yiur wife. Make an announcement dint explain and then do it. 

Put you wife on an austere budget. No more extras. Cancel credit cards, tell her you have decided to put more towards retirement. Get a new bank account with your name and put enough money for household spending and a little extra. 

Get yourself spruced up. Get out of the house take the kids out 2 X a month with out her. Spend special bonding time with them. Do something fun.

Finally tell her she must find a job because you are planning on saving even more so money will be thight. 
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## hopeman1970 (Jan 9, 2013)

Lots of free advice I guess. The only person that can change anyone is themselves. My wife up and left after 7 years as she said the marriage was just "too hard". Even after we had two great kids. She didn't have to work either as I have a great job. In fact, I committed myself to the marriage fully. She said that she had never really done that. 

The books out there...Save the M and Divorce B...they all have great points but if your mate is unwilling to listen and does not have her heart in it, you can try to right the ship with conditions. If she does not play along, well, then I guess that is a decision point.


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## NiceGuy36 (Feb 22, 2012)

amandad0428 said:


> The only person that you can change is yourself and nobody else. If she is happy with the ways things are and she isn't willing to change some things because they will make you happy than there is nothing you can do to change her mind.
> 
> That being said, you need to look within yourself and see how you are contributing to the same old same old. Are you trying to interact the same way every single time and expecting different results?
> 
> ...


Thanks for the advice. I will have to check out the book. I wasnt aware that book was out there. Maybe a different approach would work
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## aoe316 (Jan 13, 2013)

It depends on how bad you want things to change and what are you willing to do. Also is she a narsasit? Does she care about anything? Is she maybe depressed? How controlling are you? Is she allowed to talk to friends, guys? Every relationship is different and there can be many reasons why she is the way she is. It could be you, it could be her, it could be some experience in the past. If you want her to work out more maybe try and work out as a family by taking walks, jogging, playing a sport. I know you already do alot of the work and now this would put even more on your plate but maybe all she needs is a little push. If you cant or she cant do something easy maybe you make her realize what she is about to loose. This may be immature but make her jealous, make her scared, or just make her miss you. I know that if this is a mental disorder that your wife is experiencing right now she will fear change. She may not show it but if she actually thinks you will leave it will light the fire she needs for change. BUTTT that is only temporary unless you help her through the way. 
Humans want what they cant or don't have so if you leave for a wile and or make her jealous she has to believe that she will not have you again unless change is made. I hope I did not offend anyone here hell I could be complety wrong and this answer may be immature but I thought I would try and help someone.


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