# I want out...



## Lee_Schreck (Apr 18, 2012)

Hello everyone, 

I've been lurking here from time to time for quite a while. Things have finally become so desperate that I'm reaching out for advice.

My husband and I have been together since I was 14 years old, a total of 15 years. We have two young children together, I am their primary care giver, as I stay at home with them.

Our relationship has always been emotionally/sexually abusive, and he has always exhibited manipulating and controlling behavior towards me. Everything has always been his way or not at all, and if I show any resistance it turns into a major fight - even over insignificant issues. I won't get into the details, but you name it, I've been through it with him.

I recently, about 4 weeks ago, uncovered an affair he'd had a few years ago. I knew at the time but could never prove it. It's been eating away at me since, and driving a significant wedge between us. At this point the affair is mostly a side note as the abusive behavior is more worrisome. I make note of the affair only because that was finally the driving force behind seeking therapy as a couple.

However, I must state that my heart isn't in it, and I've already checked out, so to speak. My decision to go to counselling was a calculated one in that it buys me some time to get a plan together, and also the history of abuse has been documented by a professional should I ever need to prove it. 

Here goes my question: I'm curious if anyone here has ever been in a similar situation, and if so, did the abusive behavior come to an end with the help of counselling? I'm not holding out hope, but a small part of me wonders if it's possible that things can change.

I am so scared to leave, but every fiber of my being tells me it's time. Well over-due, in fact. However, I have nothing. I am financially dependent on my abusive spouse. I have few friends or family who could help me, and even so it would be very temporary. 

Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated. I feel utterly lost, and without much hope. Thanks in advance.


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## prisoner84 (Apr 18, 2012)

Wow, we defintely do have a similar situation. I too have initiated the process of counseling but have very little to no hope that this marriage will survive. I also believe that I am just buying time and using a professional to validate my claims.

We are on opposites in the way that I am the one who makes the money and thus, I am hesitant to end things because I know my wife has little help on her end and would struggle financially. What worries me more is that she is an amazing mother, would want primary custody of our daughter, but wouldn't be able to give her much of a home.

I wish I knew what to tell you. I feel for you and hope you're able to figure things out, as far as making work once leaving the abusive spouse. Keep following what you know to be right.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Lee:

It seems hopeless now, but that's because you're overwhelmed. You will figure this out one step at a time. 

1.) Do you have a job at all?
2.) Do you have job skills?
3.) Do you have education?
4.) You should check out (via the library or the internet) local programs for abused women. There may be counseling available (that your husband is NOT privy to), skills assessment, job training, educational advice, advice on budgeting, legal advice re: spousal support and child support in your state.

Start making inquiries with these experts. They have (unfortunately) met many women like you. They understand your problems and have valuable advice. 

Once you start thinking about your future with the children in a productive way (considering this, eliminating that) you will start to feel better about your situation as you realize it is something YOU CAN DO. You will be stronger for it and better able to parent your children in a healthy manner. Remember, it's not just for YOU, you are modeling a healthy adult role for your children.

Good luck and feel free to ask for advice anytime.


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## Lee_Schreck (Apr 18, 2012)

prisoner84 said:


> I wish I knew what to tell you. I feel for you and hope you're able to figure things out, as far as making work once leaving the abusive spouse. Keep following what you know to be right.


Thanks for this. It is tough, isn't it? I'm sorry for what you're going through as well. I, too, wish I had the right words for myself, you, and everyone in a similar situation. It's sad how common this is.





SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Lee:
> 
> It seems hopeless now, but that's because you're overwhelmed. You will figure this out one step at a time.
> 
> ...


Thank you for taking the time to reply. I am not currently employed, nor have I ever had a "career." I am currently in school obtaining an education and job skills for a very specific area. I have the full support of one of my instructors who has offered to help in any way he can. 

I have looked into shelters/programs for women in my situation, but only as far as seeing what's available. I haven't actually made a visit, but know I should. Thank you for bringing this to my attention again.

As a good friend said to me recently, at least I'm moving forward, and not backwards.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Amen, to that!

The abuse programs may have info, referrals other things available that we have not even thought of.

So glad you are getting your education and making plans for a brighter future.

You know you can come to these boards any time. Even if you don't need advice. Even if you just want to vent!


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