# 5 month emotional rollercoaster



## Vincent_Vega (May 6, 2012)

Hello Everyone, first time posting on this forum.

I come here because I got myself into a bit of a mess, and to be honest I could really use some outside perspective on my situation. 

So, I am currently 10 years married with 1 child. The story begins 2 years into our marriage when everything appeared to be going well, our child was close to 2 years old and I was working hard to keep my family secure and comfortable. I was asked to work away from home for 1 month, and so I did it, but days after I returned I noticed suspicious behavior from my wife, she was over protective of her computer screen whenever I would walk by. This worried me, and I also noticed she was on the phone a lot. So I dug up the latest phone bill and my heart sank when I noticed a pattern – long phone calls when I am not around, to an area code not too far. I confronted her about it, and it took a few days, but I finally got the truth? She had invited some guy who she had met online into our home while I was away working. To this day I don’t for how long, or what exactly happened, but she claimed she couldn’t go through with sex and broke down crying in front of him. I can’t say I believe this version of the story.

I stood by her, and tried to move on from this, but as the years went on, she had formed a few additional emotional relationships online and over the phone. I eventually put a keylogger on her computer because trust was severely damaged at this point. Some of the stuff disgusted me to read. She was trying to win sympathy from these guys by painting a false reality for them, depicting me as some sort of horrible husband. She would outright lie and one of the conversations I read was her asking this guy if he wouldn’t mind taking on a kid! 

She then had a job where she worked alone most of the time, and I can’t remember how I found out, but she had basically reconnected with an old friend and invited him over to her work. She admitted to oral sex, and that was it, she said. It broke my heart.

I would say this went on for a good 5-6 years, then she finally stopped everything. The problem was that our relationship was damaged, and I would say that I am too kind as a person and refused to get divorced, I was committed to trying to make it work, at least for our child. 

During all of the above, and until this day, there is another issue of my wife not really pulling her weight. I’ve essentially been dealing with a depressed wife who never wanted to get help, she rarely works, would let her bank account overdraft constantly and still no spark to get a job - would do almost nothing around the house during the day. She also neglected our child by day as well by not really doing anything with the child. Never any abuse, just lack of interest.

All of this made me depressed, unhappy and just beginning to feel used. Life was becoming more dull, and my optimism and dreams began to die. I don't want to become that person. My view on work became less fun, but more of an obligation, and I would ask my wife to look for work, but she would always say she was, but I would often check internet history and see that she was lying.

At the turn of this year I almost lost my dad, and it woke me up. I began to understand how short life really is, and how we must try to live it happy. It is such a waste to live an unhappy life by choice.

I worked up the nerve and told her one weekend in January that we’re getting a divorce, and listed a lot of the reasons I mentioned above. She was devastated. Stating that she can’t see a future without me, and basically begging for me to reconsider. I held my ground for some time as we lived together, but after a few weeks I think I let the guilt eat away at me. The result was me asking her for an open marriage, at the time hoping she would also do it and meet someone. She agreed to it. At that point in time I wanted her to move on, as for me, I just wanted to find some warmth in the world from another person out there, I felt like I had been in the cold for so long and I craved that attention, that clean slate of trust.

Skipping along a little bit. I met a woman who is married to a man who decided one day to not have sex anymore with her, so after years of this, she went outside of her marriage for sex. We met and had intense chemistry, within a few weeks, began falling in love with each other. She was in a panic because she wasn’t looking to leave her husband, and I was in panic because I didn’t plan on falling in love. I was still living at home, and going home to my wife, and during this period I began to feel a pull towards me wife again, but I am not sure what the pull was, but it damn sure created a lot of confusion in my head. I finally told her I had fallen in love, and she was hurt but stood by me. 

The current day situation is that I am still confused about how I feel about my wife. I also don’t know if the trust and history we’ve had can ever be fixed for real. As for the other relationship, I am still in that, and it has progressed onto her on the verge of leaving her husband, which, if that takes place, I will be faced with a choice to make. I dread making the wrong decision and ironically I think I might be hurting more than my wife over this, if that makes sense. So much guilt, so much sadness about putting her through this situation, and so much anxiety coming from the other woman’s side – she is having a rough pre-separation time right now with her abusive husband, and I need to keep out of it.

That’s my story. It might be easy for some people to deal with, but I wasn’t cut out for it at all. I didn’t know what I was getting myself in for by having an open marriage, and I certainly wasn’t prepared for falling in love. Speaking of which, people say you can’t love 2 people, so how do I explain this? My mother has heard this story and she thinks guilt is the only thing keeping me with my wife.

Thanks for reading.


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## Riven (May 4, 2012)

Sorry, but it doesn't sound like your wife values your marriage, which lead you to not value it either. The one thing I'd do is fight for custody. Wish I could offer more, but it kind of sounds like you're just her meal ticket at this point.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Your married to a serial cheater who never seems to have loved you. She's cheated for years and you've caught her a few times. Now you've joined her. You are ado cheating, I don't care if you dress it up as an open marrage. You don't have a marrage. You don't have a partner that you can trust or who can trust you.

You need to just end the ongoing cheating and diviorce your wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is your wife in an affair right now? 

Guilt is not a reason to stay in a marriage. Your wife is not going to change any time soon. She has no reason to change. It sounds like losing you is not even reason enough for her.

Several things... remember how your wife told some of those guys that you are a terrible husband, etc. ? How do you know that your AP (affair partner) is telling you the truth about her husband?

The chances of you and your AP making a life together after the divorces is about 3%. Why? Because the dynamics of the relationship change after the divorces. So if you leave your wife, do not do it for your AP. Do it because you know it’s the right thing for you. 

You say that your wife is not really there for your child. You are busy in an affair. Who is spending time with your child being a parent? Taking your child to do things, play sports, etc? It sounds like your child is getting the short end of all of this mess.


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