# My Marital Dilemma



## ConfusedMan2015 (Jul 7, 2015)

I have been with my wife for nearly 10 years, married for 2 of those and we have lived together for 6-7 years of those. We're both in our 20s.

I have always had a nagging feeling about whether or not I have made the right choice of partner, as we have had quite a rocky relationship. Although I care strongly about her and we do sometimes get along well and have good times, I frequently find getting along with her and avoiding arguments almost impossible. It's hard to put all of this into concise words without writing a massive essay, but the reason I feel I am struggling with her is mostly due to her temper and argumentative personality. 

She says she is depressed and always has been through most of her life. I have encouraged her over the years to try and deal with the depression. She went on antidepressants once and also went to a private counsellor. Both of these were at my request, but neither seemed to particularly help and I've since tried focusing on helping her myself. As an example, I printed her out a self-help guide to depression the other day which she has only read one page of so far.

I feel like I've been walking on eggshells for so long. We can be completely fine (or at least I think so) and then suddenly she'll explode over the most trivial of matters. She doesn't back down in these arguments, even when she's very obviously in the wrong, and only says sorry sarcastically when she does calm down. Then the same thing will happen again and again.

We have bought a house that needs a lot of work doing to it, we also have a few animals and I have my own health problems. I work from home, while she works part time at a shop. I do the majority of the housework, plus the vast majority of the house renovations, looking after the animals and dealing with my own issues. I feel very alone in all of these areas. My wife says the reason she isn't interested in any of them is down to her depression, but she seems to have no interest in changing things. She says depression is by its very nature a selfish condition and she often says that she couldn't care less about the things that I'm bothered by.

Our sex life isn't great. My sex drive with her is very low, because I feel so much frustration about her, that I feel disconnected to her like that. I find myself attracted to other people, not just sexually, but in the sense that I imagine what life would be like with them instead. 

I feel very sympathetic about her depression. I have read up about it and understand how it can make people feel, but I also feel that not trying to do something about it isn't good for the person, nor those around them. I find myself frustrated that I can't see her trying and my attempts to persuade her are usually met with hostility.

Going back to myself, I feel like I am in a dilemma, as to what to do about this. I don't want to continue life like this, yet I feel terrified of leaving her. If I did, I will be throwing away
10 years of my life and I would probably have to be the one to move out and start again with everything. I enjoy my job, but my wife wants me to give it up in order to get another that pays a lot better, so that we can start a family. I would like to have a family, but I don't want to bring a child into this sort of situation. 

I find myself constantly questioning what my life could be without her, wondering if I could find a happier relationship and be a happier person. 

Does anyone have any advice they could offer?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Why did she go off the anti-depressant and how long was she on it?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Honestly, I would leave. If you are not sure about your choice of partner, there is a reason for that.

You are young. Please do not get her pregnant. Divorce and free her to find someone who will feel he has made the right choice with her.


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## ConfusedMan2015 (Jul 7, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Why did she go off the anti-depressant and how long was she on it?


About four weeks if I recall correctly. She didn't like being on medicine, so she went to sell a counsellor rather than continue on them.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

ConfusedMan2015 said:


> About four weeks if I recall correctly. She didn't like being on medicine, so she went to sell a counsellor rather than continue on them.


Well, my opinion is that she really needs to be medicated and give it more than 4 weeks, but you can't force her to do that. She has to want to do it for herself. An ultimatum might be in order here.


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## ConfusedMan2015 (Jul 7, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Well, my opinion is that she really needs to be medicated and give it more than 4 weeks, but you can't force her to do that. She has to want to do it for herself. An ultimatum might be in order here.


Ultimatums are only good if I follow through if she doesn't do anything about it. That's the trouble, I don't know what to do for the best.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

ConfusedMan2015 said:


> Ultimatums are only good if I follow through if she doesn't do anything about it. That's the trouble, I don't know what to do for the best.


Truth.

She sounds like she could be bi-polar based on your description of her outbursts, etc. 

How would she like it if you stopped treating YOUR health issues? 

When depressed, it can be very, very difficult to make rational decisions and it's not until you're on the other side of it (through treatment) that you see how sick you actually were. 

Maybe you should have her read this thread.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

is sounds as if you are approaching a point where you might feel you need to say and do the following: I love you. I care about you. I can't live this way. Your actions when you are depressed are simply too much for me any more. I know you didn't like the medicine you were taking and the counselor you went to didn't seem to help. But there are other counselors and other medicines and other treatments. I'll help you to find a way out of your depression but you have to want to do that. If things don't change I think it is best if we separate.

And, of course, if nothing changes you have to be ready to leave.

Doesn't sound like you are quite at the point yet but getting closer all the time.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

You are not qualified to be her therapist. Nor is the reason for her unacceptable behavior important. Either she meets your needs in a spouse or she does not. She has a responsibility to be the best adult she can, and if she knows she has some kind of significant issue, she has the responsibility to seek whatever professional assistance is needed.

The way to deal with this is for you to set a boundary. "I cannot remain in a relationship with someone who XYZ". Or perhaps something less drastic. A good marriage counselor may help, too.

You might want to read the book "No More MR. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover. I suspect you are a Nice Guy. Nice Guys frequently pair up with women who have some kind of emotional dysfunction, and it can result in both being locked into a death spiral of a marriage.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Leave her and worry about your own issues first. If she is motivated to save the relationship, she will put in the effort.

Plus, you sound very much like you are emotionally abused and should seek help on how to escape that cycle. Due to your nature of wanting to help her out and fix her issues, you remain stuck and she feels safe that she is allow to continue on her path because you will not leave.

You, yourself, should always be your first priority.


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

Hi there.
It looks to me that you have reached a point. Why did you got married to her? Was she like this all the times? 
My advise, do not have kids yet. Have honest one on one conversation with her. If it helps, write down on paper what issues you have, and what steps you would like her to take in order to save this marriage. Also, listen for her responses, it might provide you with some important clues.
Monitor progress. If there is no change on her end, I would consider separation, perhaps D. without changes for better, it would not get better with time, only worst...


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## SouthernBelle822 (Jul 8, 2015)

I'm very sorry you're in this difficult situation. I can understand your feelings and why there's no easy solution for you. My question to you would be: does ending the relationship with her upset you because she would no longer be in your life any longer and you'd greatly miss her, or because you're filled with regret over "losing" the past ten years you've spent trying to have a relationship with her and fears of having to start over? To help you answer that, think about this: have you spent the last ten years in a relationship with her because you love her, you want to build a future with her, you realistically believe the problems can be solved, and the relationship enriches your life, or have you stayed this long in what you know deep down inside is a doomed relationship because either the relationship with her is familiar and safe (even if unhappy), you feel a sense of obligation to work things out because of the time you've invested, or you feel sympathy and compassion for her due to her struggle with depression?

I'm all in favor of providing compassionate support to your spouse when they're going through a struggle. I applaud all of the efforts you've made to help her break free from her depression. However, after reading your post a couple of times, it sounds to me that she is really taking your love and support for granted. She isn't returning that emotional support and compassion, going so far as to justify her coldness and lack of concern by blaming her medical condition: "She says depression is by its very nature a selfish condition and she often says that she couldn't care less about the things that I'm bothered by." So she doesn't show concern for your own health issues (which she is probably exacerbating by stressing you so), starts needless arguments, doesn't participate and share the load when it comes to doing things around the house, doesn't meet your sexual needs, and wants you to quit the job you enjoy so you can make more money, presumably in part for her. You don't feel that you can talk to her and be heard, because she'll either start an argument or use her condition as an excuse for every problem. For the most part, she has rejected or brushed aside any attempts at improving the situation (because frankly, it doesn't sound like she really cares whether you're happy or not). I'm sorry, but I don't see many redeeming qualities yet. 

You seem like you have a non-confrontational personality type (as do I), so I know this is going to be difficult for you. However, I just don't see how staying with her under the current circumstances is ever going to be fulfilling for you. If you think you have regrets now, just how will you feel if you spend twenty or thirty more years living in the status quo? I'd suggest having one good serious talk with her, making sure you've got her attention. Make sure she knows that you are not making empty threats and won't back down. Maybe even put some divorce paperwork on the table in front of her so she knows what's at stake. If you lay it all out there and she still refuses to acknowledge the problems and work on them, then she's answered the problem for you. Give her one last chance to make it right, and if she doesn't, make a clean break knowing you did everything you possibly could to make it work. You deserve to be happy and you deserve someone who will love you the way you love them. There's a lot of unknown with starting over, but you already know what you'll have a lifetime of if you stay.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

When a woman says "I'm depressed", what she really means is:

"I'm depressed because I married you and now I feel like I'm trapped in a $hitty relationship with a man I don't love".


My advice: Get out now and find someone else more compatible.


This posting was brought to you by the number 1, the letter Z, and the Council For Divorce Lawyers.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

ConfusedMan2015 said:


> Going back to myself, I feel like I am in a dilemma, as to what to do about this. I don't want to continue life like this, yet I feel terrified of leaving her. If I did, I will be throwing away 10 years of my life and I would probably have to be the one to move out and start again with everything.


Confused, to make it really short, I suggest you leave the marriage.

Why? Here's a slightly longer explanation. I'm 54 yrs old, married 33 years. There's not a day I don't think about divorce, but it is financially impossible. My wife is overall a very good person, and we match really well in many ways. I care very much for her well being and happiness. Etc etc. But she doesn't connect emotionally, and her version of marriage is very different than mine. She likes a cool, distant, polite, practical relationship. I like a warmer, closer, fun relationship.

There are a few major issues I have with her, which came to a head in the last 5 years. Some cropped up 10-15 years ago, but by then we had kids, and I was not willing to break up the family to have some other man raise my kids (and possibly molesting them).

I had actually reached the point of seriously considering divorce while she was trying to get pregnant, about 6 or 7 years into the marriage. She had fertility issues, and the doc said she wasn't going to get pregnant. She begged me to try one more time, and yup she got pregnant!

About 4 years ago I approached her with a serious "fix it or end it" talk about the marriage. That was when she finally let me know she had been sexually abused as a young child. Suddenly, all the puzzle pieces fell into place. It explained _everything_ I had struggled against for 29 years of marriage!

I'm not claiming I'm perfect. I was the classic Nice Guy.

Anyhow, the point here is that there was a very major contributing factor to our marriage problems, but I was unaware of it, with no way to find out the truth on my own. Yet from the beginning I could have dealt with the symptoms without knowing the root cause. I could have set boundaries on what I would accept in the marriage. I could have told her my expectations and needs in the marriage. She could have either then met my standards or not. If she did, we would have had a much better marriage. If not, I could have moved on.

Note that she could have (and should have) sought professional therapy for her abuse issues as soon as she realized they were causing her problems. I could have hastened her awareness by setting boundaries and expectations _the very first summer we were married_ when the issues sprung up. She didn't realize for a few years more.

It is the responsibility of every adult to bring the best person they can to the marriage, and to seek out whatever is necessary to overcome their issues. This is true, too, for your wife. Don't make excuses for her! Be kind, be loving, offer moral support in whatever way is helpful to her healing from any issues she has. But don't sacrifice your life's happiness for someone not willing to make an effort.

So, I think you need to be pretty selfish and firm about what you need, want, and desire in your marriage. Give her every opportunity to understand the situation and to step up. Have some unspoken lines in the sand to monitor progress. Don't be weak for another 20 years and then find yourself trapped by circumstances, feeling you wasted 30 years.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

That sounds like more than depression to me. Whether it is another mental illness, a personality disorder, or plain old laziness, you should set boundaries to protect yourself. Don't do so many things and if she doesn't care to do the minimum, I would just file for divorce. You can only help her if she wants to help herself. 

Maybe she will hit "rock bottom" and see to it that she gets a second or third opinion on her health condition (if any) and get consistent treatment. Being on meds for 4 weeks isn't really giving it a chance to work, and if she has bipolar disorder, ADs can make it worse. I hope you figure out how you want to deal with this soon.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

CM, I agree with Scatty that you seem to be describing behavior that may go well beyond simple depression. Specifically, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., verbal abuse, never being wrong and always being "The Victim," event-triggered irrational anger, and controlling behavior -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and, to a lesser extent, NPD (Narcissistic PD). 

Of course, you are not capable of diagnosing your W. Only a professional can do that. You nonetheless should be fully capable of spotting the red flags for BPD and NPD if you take a little time to learn what warning signs to look for. I therefore suggest you read about them to see if most sound very familiar.



ConfusedMan2015 said:


> I feel I am struggling with her is mostly due to her temper and argumentative personality.... she is depressed and always has been through most of her life.


Perhaps she is only depressed, as you believe. On the other hand, depression frequently is seen in those folks suffering from strong traits of a personality disorder (PD). About 80% of female BPDers, for example, suffer from a mood disorder and 36% of them suffer from major depression -- according to a recent study of nearly 35,000 American adults.



> She went on antidepressants once and also went to a private counsellor. Both of these were at my request, but neither seemed to particularly help.


If her outbursts and controlling behavior are due to strong traits of a PD like BPD, they are believed to be caused by emotional immaturity and thought distortions -- not by an imbalance in body chemistry (as bipolar is). This is why medication will not make a dent in BPD behaviors.



> We can be completely fine (or at least I think so) and then suddenly she'll explode over the most trivial of matters.


If she has strong BPD traits, she's been carrying enormous rage and hurt deep inside since early childhood. This means you don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do some minor thing that TRIGGERS a release of anger that is always there under the skin. This is why BPDers are able to _"explode over the most trivial of matters"_ in just ten seconds.



> I feel like I've been walking on eggshells for so long.


You should stop doing that. Granted, you do it to keep peace in the family. This doormat behavior nonetheless is harmful to both you and your W. It is harmful to her because, by enabling her to behave like a spoiled child -- and have a free pass to GET AWAY WITH IT -- you are destroying her opportunities to have to confront her own issues and learn how to manage them. 

That is, your enabling behavior is destroying her incentives to learn how to better manage her own emotions -- a skill the rest of us learn in childhood. Hence, by protecting her from suffering the logical consequences of her own childish behavior, you are harming both of you. This is why the #1 best-selling BPD book (targeted to the abused spouses) is called _*Stop Walking on Eggshells*.
_


> She doesn't back down in these arguments, even when she's very obviously in the wrong.


If she has strong BPD traits, that is exactly the behavior you should expect. A BPDer is filled with so much self loathing and low self esteem that the LAST THING she wants to find is one more mistake or flaw to add to the long list of things she hates about herself. For this reason, a BPDer's subconscious mind works 24/7 to protect her fragile ego by keeping her conscious mind from seeing too much of reality. 

It accomplishes this by projecting all hurtful thoughts and painful feelings onto her partner. Because this projection occurs entirely at the subconscious level, her conscious mind usually will be absolutely convinced that the hurtful thought or stupid mistake originated from her partner.



> I feel terrified of leaving her. If I did, I will be throwing away 10 years of my life.


Assuming you're correct, it would be better to throw away 10 years (which are already a sunk cost) than to throw away an additional 50 years (an avoidable cost if you divorce). Moreover, I would disagree with your view that you've somehow "thrown away" 10 years. On the contrary, you had a lot of good times and bad times with your W and learned an enormous amount along the way.



> Does anyone have any advice they could offer?


CM, I share the view of Thor, Fisty and others that you should leave this toxic marriage, given your W's refusal to seek professional help and follow their advice. Yet, if you are still reluctant to do that, I would advise you to see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you likely are dealing with. 

If you decide your W is strongly exhibiting most of the BPD red flags, it is important to see your own psychologist -- one who has not treated or seen your W -- because he will be ethically bound to protect YOUR best interests, not hers. When a PD may be involved, relying on your W's therapist for candid advice during the marriage would be as foolish as relying on her attorney for candid advice during the divorce.

I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you read about BPD warning signs to see if most seem to apply. An easy place to start reading is my list at _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_. If most of them sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings any bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful experience and motivate you to seek professional advice. Take care, CM.


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## ConfusedMan2015 (Jul 7, 2015)

Thank you so much everyone for your replies, I really appreciate all the advice you have given to me.

The BPD possibility was very interesting. I can certainly see some of the symptoms in her, as I can with bi-polar. The trouble is there seems to be so many different names for mental health labels, where symptoms overlap between them.

She tells me often that she is unhappy in her life for various reasons and I have tried to explain to her on many occasions that if she doesn't deal with her problems, then she'll be just the same in years to come. Ironically, that seems to be the same valid advice I'm being given on here! 

I don't ever see much effort happening from her to improve things. The self-help booklet I got her is still sitting on our coffee table on page 1, which was just a checklist of symptoms, not the actual help bit! She hasn't read any more of it. I have asked her about it several times only to be told she hasn't got the time, as she's been too busy, yet she has found many hours over the last week to just go on her laptop....

I have explained over the last week how unhappy her behaviour makes me, so I would expect the booklet to become her number-one priority, only it clearly isn't!

To answer SouthernBelle822, my fear of leaving her is based on several different things, such as what that would do her emotionally, the worry that I would deeply regret it and also the fear of the unknown, i.e the life ahead of me, on my own. I am the sort of person that prefers an easy life, so to turn life upside down like this genuinely terrifies me. I've barely been single since I became an adult, so it feels so daunting.

I have drawn some parallels between my marriage and also my wife's parents' situation. They are not married, as her mother said she didn't want to feel tied down, yet they are still together after all these years. My wife tells me that when she was younger, her mother was always threatening to leave her father and that for some reason made her resent her Dad and wanted it to be just her and her mother. They are still together today and to be honest, seem outwardly happy, however, I notice that her father makes no decisions at all, everything is decided by her mother and his feelings seem to be pretty much ignored. He is a very easy-going person as well, so I wonder if my wife expects me to behave in the same way? 

I appreciate what you are saying Thor and I'm sorry that you haven't had a great time by the sounds of it. I realise it should be her responsibility to sort her problems out, but I feel like I'd be letting her down by walking away, even though I know she is letting me down.

If she was writing her thoughts on this forum, I'm sure she'd tell you a completely different version of the story. I realise that sometimes things may well be my fault, but I have always felt that I've always been wanting to make things better in terms of our relationship where as I feel like with her, she hasn't. Sometimes I "bet" myself that my wife will manage to start an argument with me within 10 minutes of walking into the room if I haven't seen her for a while. Worryingly so, I'm often right. 

I feel like the best step forward is to try and sit her down and explain how seriously low I feel about things and that if things don't change then I'll have to go. The trouble I have in my own mind is actually having to follow through with that. I've never had to make such a hard decision in my life and I am honestly terrified of the consequences, yet I just don't want to spend my life unhappy.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

ConfusedMan2015 said:


> I don't ever see much effort happening from her to improve things. The self-help booklet I got her is still sitting on our coffee table on page 1, which was just a checklist of symptoms, not the actual help bit! She hasn't read any more of it. I have asked her about it several times only to be told she hasn't got the time, as she's been too busy, yet she has found many hours over the last week to just go on her laptop....
> 
> I have explained over the last week how unhappy her behaviour makes me, so I would expect the booklet to become her number-one priority, only it clearly isn't!


It's apparent she isn't interested in reading the booklet at this point. Granted, her behavior makes you unhappy, so what do you think you could do for yourself to feel happy. After all, happiness is an inside job. Consider taking up a hobby you would enjoy. If she wants to join in, fine. If not, that's fine too. Her emotional problems and issues are hers to own.



ConfusedMan2015 said:


> ... my fear of leaving her is based on several different things, such as what that would do her emotionally, the worry that I would deeply regret it and also the fear of the unknown, i.e the life ahead of me, on my own. ... so to turn life upside down like this genuinely terrifies me. I've barely been single since I became an adult, so it feels so daunting.


Here's a suggestion. Get your focus off her problems and get them on yours. What is it you would fear about being alone? I assume you have a job, know how to drive, can clean your living space, maintain good personal hygiene, and shop for groceries and prepare a meal.

So what do you really fear? It sounds like the dynamics of your marriage are unhealthy and show no immediate signs of improvement. You are still quite young. Would you rather be with this woman than no woman at all, or do you feel like there may be a woman out there better suited to you?


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## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

Make sure you're responsible for birth control, if you bring a baby into this unhealthy relationship it will only make things worse , these kind of women have a sixth sense when they feel you're about to bail


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

Maneo said:


> is sounds as if you are approaching a point where you might feel you need to say and do the following: I love you. I care about you. I can't live this way. Your actions when you are depressed are simply too much for me any more. I know you didn't like the medicine you were taking and the counselor you went to didn't seem to help. But there are other counselors and other medicines and other treatments. I'll help you to find a way out of your depression but you have to want to do that. If things don't change I think it is best if we separate.
> 
> And, of course, if nothing changes you have to be ready to leave.
> 
> Doesn't sound like you are quite at the point yet but getting closer all the time.


THIS! That's perfect and as someone who suffers with depression, it's not a selfish condition by nature. It is a horrible dibilitating condition and it sounds as if she's using it as a weapon to keep you around. NOBODY wants to be depressed and getting help has to be their choice. But the way you describe it makes me feel as if she is using it because she did go on medication and she did opt to see a therapist. Sounds like she's keeping herself sick enough to make you feel guilty and that you have to do everything but, well enough that she can function.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

ConfusedMan2015 said:


> The BPD possibility was very interesting. I can certainly see some of the symptoms in her, as I can with bi-polar.


If you're interested, CM, you may want to take a look at my description of the differences I've seen in the typical behavior of BPDers (e.g., my exW) and that of bipolar sufferers (e.g., my foster son) at *12 Bipolar/BPD Differences. *


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