# Is it just me



## Carolchrys (Oct 16, 2013)

Is it just me having this kind of a problem? Why am I finding marriage so difficult even though we love each other so much? The main issue that I face in my marriage is, if we have a fight I cant control myself from crying too much and my husband is very much irritated about this. I just feel like crying the whole time and he gets irritated more and more. Why doesn't he understand that I am so much hurt? On an average we have a big fight in every 10 to 12 days... ( I mean he doesn't talk much that day after the argument and may end up sleeping in another room and I cry and cry for a long time...).
the reason for every fight seems to be small, sometimes I even forget about what we started arguing.. but then it just goes out of control... he is telling he is getting angry because of me crying and it is an insult for him if someone hears it and he says my crying is loud enough for outsiders to hear.. even when we go out if I get angry or hurt over something and if my face changes, he says that my face looks like I am about to cry and I am insulting him in front of others,... I really don't want to insult him.. but sometimes I cant help myself from crying... but I think I have improved so much nowadays as I am putting lot of effort in controlling my emotions... but still sometimes everything goes wrong, I cry and he stops talking and go to the other room.. I wont sleep the entire night but I will be mostly calm by next day and he will also be fine after sometime unless I cry again.. I am really upset about this, I love him.. I don't want to lose him...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Why are you crying? Is it the subject, his tone of voice, his style of fighting or the fact that you don't like confrontation?

Gotta say that having a fight every 10-12 days sounds excessive - no wonder your nerves are shot.


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## Carolchrys (Oct 16, 2013)

I was like this from my childhood, very emotional and cry very easily. But it has become a real problem in my life only after marriage.. because he is getting irritated with my crying and I cant stop because he is angry. 

I am wondering if it is just me who is crying every time when there is a fight with husband? does others spouses get irritated because of this behavior? 

For your question about his style of fighting and tone of voice, it is usually ok in the beginning but as he starts getting angry with me, that too goes bad and he goes into another room or out of the house for sometime. the next day everything is again fine.. he hugs me and tells don't cry like this as it is making it so difficult for him as the main problem is my sound going high....

I really want to change this as we are having a difficult time dealing with this..


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

What nationality are you?
How old are you?


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## LVF (May 5, 2013)

> I am wondering if it is just me who is crying every time when there is a fight with husband? does others spouses get irritated because of this behavior?


I never cried when arguing with my husband. I just get irritated. I argue only if I think I am right and that he did something wrong. If I was wrong, I will acknowledge and don't argue. 
I think big part is your personality. Crying implies you feel weak or afraid of something. If you are arguing with him, you should stood up for what you think is correct, then why would you cry? Maybe you feel threatened by his behaviour? If so, then explain that to him.
I can understand he becomes nervous if you cry too easily. It's not pleasant for him either. But try to identify what makes you freak out like that and tell him if he can help. It's his interest too after all...

And as said before, every 10-12 days is too often. It is making you even more nervous than what you already are.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

You talk about the arguments but think, what is at the source of this? Is it his behavior that is making you sad? There is a reason for your hurt and your tears. His getting angry with your emotions doesn't mean that you should not be feeling what you are feeling. He might not be able to relate to your emotions but your feelings are real and they need recognition......this is your gut that is telling you something is not right.

How long have you been married and do you have any children?


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## Carolchrys (Oct 16, 2013)

Arguments starts from issues like he giving more chocolates to our kid than I agree and things like that... but mostly its about punctuality. He is very punctual and gets ready before time, while I am always late. He is mostly ok with this on weekends, but on week days if there is something like a doctor appointment that we need to go if I am late he gets so angry telling I am not respecting his time. If I am late then usually I would agree to manage it myself, though it is difficult as we have an infant and a toddler. He is very much worried about his taking offs in b/w his work time but I think he is worried too much... then if we are late he drives fast which makes me more tensed so I prefer to go by my own if I am late.

We are both 31 yrs old, married for 7 yrs together for 11 yrs.. have two boys , an infant and a toddler.. We were both software professionals but I chose to stay at home after having my first child.

I agree it is more about my personality but I think we both should learn to communicate better.. And as said about the fear within myself, I agree I have a fear that he may not understand my views and concerns.. though he tells he is always ready to listen to my problems, its the way that I tell is making it difficult.. I don't know.. maybe no one can understand others concerns completely.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

I hate to say this Carolchrys, but I do think that your inability to control your crying and lack of respect for his time is the root cause of your problems.

If you can go see a counselor to figure out some techniques you can use to control your emotions, maybe that would help. You seem to be hypersensitive. I can see crying if he did something really hurtful, but to cry over every little thing would get very tiring. You need to be able to have disagreements and conversations without you bursting into tears. He knows you are hurt and you say he does apologies, but he has no control over the fact that you are too sensitive and shouldn't be so hurt so often.

As for him being punctual and you being late. Can't you be on time? And why does he have to take time off work to run you and the kids around? I had 5 kids in 10 years and at no time did I have my husband take time off work for anything other than their births. I took them all to Dr. appointments, shopping, errands and all their little functions, clubs and activities alone. If he had to work I took them to church alone. I did all that whether I was pregnant, nursing an infant, or whatever, even if I was sick I did it.

If he is taking time off work to take you to appointments, I do not understand why you would keep him waiting.

It sounds to me as if you are wrapped up in yourself, your emotions, your needs. Try being a little more thoughtful towards what your husband needs.

Again, I know this is hard to hear, but it is meant with good intentions.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

I don't know if the crying is as big of the issue as the chronic lateness. That is very disrespectful of anyone's time. That is one of my pet peeves so if I was taking off time for an appointment and found my husband causing me to miss extra time off work, I would be annoyed the first time. If it happened all the time it would be a major source of marital irritation to me.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Carolchrys said:


> *I was like this from my childhood, very emotional and cry very easily.* But it has become a real problem in my life only after marriage.. because he is getting irritated with my crying and I cant stop because he is angry.



Was he aware of this before you were married?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Work on your punctuality. 

For those of us who are always punctual it's maddening to deal with those who are always late. It's usually an argument trigger. 

If you learn to be punctual perhaps there will be fewer arguments. And less crying. That's the second thing you need to learn to control.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Carolchrys said:


> I am really upset about this, I love him.. I don't want to lose him...



Understand that he's a man, and he probably doesn't cry very easily. So it's hard for him to understand why you do. When you start crying, or look like you are going to cry over a trivial argument, he sees that as you deliberately trying to manipulate the conversation and avoid addressing the actual problem. 

I'm not necessarily saying you are doing this, but that's probably how it looks from his end.


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## Carolchrys (Oct 16, 2013)

Infact it is very much relaxing to understand that the fault is with me, because that means I can work on my problems to reduce the arguments. If it was his fault, then he had to work on it which means I had less control on correcting things..

thank you so much for the replies, it means so much.. I understand punctuality is a big concern for most of the people, not just my husband.. and about the crying I am thinking if I really can't control it initially I should go to another room without bothering him so he will be less stressed.. and I am not putting much expectations like the arguments will be stopped suddenly in a day, but I am sure being punctual and less crying means there will be less arguments.. thank you so much.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Not trying to dig into you on this.. you seem to get it now..

But OH MY.....you would never want to be married to me ! I get very irritated with people who make a habit of being late... I will even tell them outright... if you aren't here on time, you miss the train.... I won't wait for them... It's not my duty to play their Mom.

My husband is never late, he always calls if something would come up and of course sometimes things come up - reasonable excuses...(we have 6 kids, it's the nature of life)... just imagine if we had all 6 of them acting like this... or one of the parents, how this would mess up our lives, our whole family would look like slackers... and we'd all be stressed out. 

I also would be be irritated and mad at myself if I dared allowed him to miss a day of work or he was late to work over me...This would never happen. 

If you have to set your clock a half an hour early in every room of your house to curb this... do it. It's not fair to anyone who has deadlines....late people push other peoples's schedules back and this is highly inconsiderate. 



> *Carolchrys said*: Infact it is very much relaxing to understand that the fault is with me, because that means I can work on my problems to reduce the arguments. If it was his fault, then he had to work on it which means I had less control on correcting things..


 The peace in your marriage will surely CLIMB when you resolve this, step up to the plate and show him you can Be ready , willing and walk out the door when HE is... you will see a Big  and I bet he will encourage you... ...little things like this can make of break someone's day...seriously...


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

What I've found is it usually takes TWO to mess up a marriage BUT the only way to fix it is to fix your side of the street first.

That said in addition to working on the crying you might want to learn how to set healthy boundaries. 

I've set one with my husband that states I'm okay with him being angry with me I'm NOT okay with him raising his voice at me. If he's upset I'll talk to him CALMLY about it. I've asked him to calm down before he brings up issues with me. Angry men upset me. 

Also I had 3 kids back to back to back. When they were little I was late a lot. Does your husband help you with the kids?


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## swade87 (Oct 23, 2013)

I get what you're saying. I'm kind of in the same state. I cause a lot of little arguments that turn into big fights. I get too emotional, but instead of crying, I just get downright mean sometimes! I don't express sadness well. It's pushing my fiance away. I know it's mostly my fault (my personality) as well. It's become a cycle, and it's almost as if I was/am addicted to the ups and downs. Now my fiance is getting caught up in it too.. it's like we do this because we're bored, and we enjoy the highs of making up. Problem is.. the fights are getting worse and we're getting really stressed out. It's exhausting. I'm sure you feel the same? I'm so sorry. PM me if you'd like to talk!


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## Carolchrys (Oct 16, 2013)

thank you all  Yes, my husband helps me with the kids.. now that we have a new baby he takes care of our first child whenever he is at home. Even before having the second one, he helped me with the dishes, laundry, grocery and things.

I like the idea of changing time in clocks, thank you!

swade87, yes I agree its very much exhausting.. I do not feel like eating or sleeping if we are fighting.. I do not see him awake like me though! I feel sorry for you too, maybe things like deep breathing and removing yourself from the situation like going to another room will help.. I am researching a lot on how to calm down myself. The make ups after the fights are definitely nice, but spoiling the entire day for it is not worth of it, at least for me.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Post partum and lack of sleep can also make you more emotional. If you are more depressed than normal, have it checked out and try to get some rest.


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## ladyj23 (Oct 28, 2013)

I used to cry, and then we would forget what we arguing about LOL, what did this resolve, Nothing.

To actually come to a resolution, you have to both civilly state your thoughts.
If your getting angry and conversation is getting heated be cautious of what you say, think before you speak. 
If he starts to say something that is insulting and getting off subject then tell him, that was unnecessary and I want an apology before I start crying 

Just both of you come to an agreement that you will both try not to explode. An agreement to actually fix the main problem. Chose your battles, if it wasn't a big issue in the beginning then remember that you can just shrug this off.


If you cry all the time, I think later on it wont mean much to him.
It'l just be, "there go the tears, again"


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