# He puts his children ahead of our Relationship



## Sunnyside83 (Aug 26, 2013)

So this is my very first post. Bare with me, as I am pretty emotional at this time.

My BF and I have been dating for over two years now. I have two children from previous relationship and he has two children from previous relationship. I love my BF very much, and I know he loves me very much as well. We talk about spending the rest of our lives together. But as of right now I am feeling pretty selfish. 

My X and I get along really well. We compromise with the kids, and we know each others boundaries. My girls feel NO animosity at all to my new relationship and visa versa with his. My X and I have done a very good job keeping things calm and as relaxed and easy on the children and ourselves as possible. I can not however say that for my current BF and his X. 

I meet and fell in LOVE with my BF. he lived in a town an hour and half from me. But that didn't matter, I worked around his schedule so I could take time off work and come out and see him every time he was home from the work. We fell madly for each other. He has great kids and I know BF loved mine. 

We decided it was time to take next step, and move in together. We decided it was best for me to move to him, as I had the younger children that weren't in school and the process would be easier. Plus he had his kids who were already in school and he owned a home there. So I broke the news to my X that I was moving away. But that he could see the kids whenever he wanted. It broke my heart because he is a good dad to them. But he understood that I wanted to be with this guy and start a relationship. 

Now we get to the complicated parts......

My BF's X is a complete PSYCHO!!!!!!! Once I came into the picture she would be across at the neighbors house spying on me. Would break into our home and take things. Would do silly things like purposely leave some of their kids belongings at her house so she could come over AGAIN and drop them of, or BF would go have to pick them up. She would cause so many problems with him and their kids, that that TOPIC was a constant conversation in our house. Of course at first I thought well this would all go away eventually. She will get over it and get a life. 

My BF was not divorced at this time. So I help him in the process of getting divorced, emotionally and financially. Let me tell you it was a LONG process. Took over a year with her delay tactics. And she tried to get full custody of the children and blah blah blah blah! 

I am HAPPY to report that he has finally been divorced and custody and child support are in FINAL orders. But here's the problem. Everything in our lives revolves around those kids. (his) kids. I have spent the past two years trying to make things in our house equal and loving to all. 

I treat ALL the kids with the same respect and responsibilities. No one child gets special treatment. They are all treated the same. In fact I am probably harder on my OWN children! We have to walk on egg shells around his kids. Because they are pretty traumatized about everything they have been put through with him and his X. It's all so EXHAUSTING! Honestly I just wish he would stop asking his kids what they want to do. For chirst sake you tell them what to do. They're kids!!!! I know for certain WE tell my kids what to do. But his kids get this special treatment. And spoiled! My god lets talk about that!

I would like it if all the kids in our home were treated equally. But they are not. I am told that my kids skating costs to much ($375/yr) but his Kids hockey cost a massive $1500/year. Not including all the gear that goes with it! The middle child (his) get anything he wants. And will not stop asking for it till he gets it. BF thinks it's a good quality and it's cute. I think it's rude! My children are not spoiled they are very well taken care of and have everything they need. But if they need more, they come second to his. And so does my relationship with BF. 

But maybe that should be saved for another thread.

What do I do. I really do love him and his children. I visualize our lives together and it's great. But how in the world do I convince him that WE all need to be treated equal! He once told me that they will always come before me. But can't we all be loved and treated the same???

Super long, I know.. if you're still here I'd love some advice. Thanks


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

That's a tough situation. I understand him making his children his priority. I think if I was in his position, I would find it a tough balancing act, especially given the circumstances of his divorce. His love for his children is unconditional, as mine is for my own ... so I get it. When you have small children, they do tend to consume your life, even when you are in a strong marriage. It doesn't mean there can't be rules that are enforced equally. It also doesn't mean he can't set aside time for you.

Certainly things do get more difficult when you move beyond the initial stage of dating and settle into the responsibility of raising children.

Really need more information. You talked about some of the unequal treatment he gives his own children over your own and he stated that his children will always come before you but you haven't said much about how he treats you unequally.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

You're not married to him, I don't see how you can do anything but let go of this relationship for your kid sake. He SHOULD treat his kids as a priority if you are not married. How would it be healthy for him to put them on the back burner for every relationship he is in?

But at the same time he should not treat your girl unfairly. This is a preview of what life will be like with him. That not fair to your girls.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Was he like this with his kids before you moved in with him ?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Save your self some grief, if you are not into his children as much as he is, move on. Children are part of the package.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Train wreck in the making. Did you get any professional advice when you decided to blend your families? You are in a bracket of people that has the highest divorce rate, second marriages (relationships) with children involved. You sound very bitter and the resentment is going to kill your relationship.

Seek some professional help asap before you screw up all your lives. You took your kids away from their dad to be with this new man, that is a very selfish thing to have done especially when you have only been with the new man for 2 years and not enough history to know if this is a LTR.

It does not sound like you have a good enough grip on the reality of blended families. There is no such thing as "let's all live together, equally, peacefully and in total bliss". It is possibly one of the hardest dynamics to be successful at, sadly you two have jumped in head first, dragged the kids along for the ride and clearly did not set up the ground rules first.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sunnyside83 said:


> I would like it if all the kids in our home were treated equally. But they are not. I am told that my kids skating costs to much ($375/yr) but his Kids hockey cost a massive $1500/year. Not including all the gear that goes with it!


Can you help me understand this? 
What % of joint income does he bring in and do you bring in. 
Do you get child support from your ex? If you do, do you keep that child support in a separate account for your children or do you mix it with joint income?

When you want to pay for skating for your children, how much of it will need to be paid by his money? How much by your money and your child support.

How much of the $1500/year for kids hockey comes out of your money?


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## RoninJedi (Jun 22, 2013)

I can't really say it much better. Yes, in my opinion his kids are spoiled and that should definitely change. But they are *his* kids. Not yours. You're not married, and so just to be honest you really don't have any say-so when it comes to his children.

At least you admitted to feeling selfish. Good on you for that, but I think you need to reverse this situation. You took your kids away from their dad (who in your own words is a good dad to them), moved them in with a man and two other kids, took no time to set guidelines or even wait for his divorce to be final.

I think you jumped into this way too early, and neither one of you really seems ready to take on a very complicated family setting. Get out of his house and go back home. Get into counseling together and individually, and revisit this again 6-12 months from now when you've both matured a little bit and have had time to really get things set before jumping back in.

Quit worrying about his kids and start thinking about yours. If this situation doesn't change, there's nothing in it for them but being hurt. Children (especially young ones) are *always* hurt in situations like this, and anytime a relationship falls apart. Anyone who tells you different is either a liar or a moron.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

committed4ever said:


> You're not married to him, I don't see how you can do anything but let go of this relationship for your kid sake. He SHOULD treat his kids as a priority if you are not married. How would it be healthy for him to put them on the back burner for every relationship he is in?
> 
> But at the same time he should not treat your girl unfairly. This is a preview of what life will be like with him. That not fair to your girls.


I don't know ... I think it is hasty to make that decision. Yes, if all things have been tried then absolutely ... if the two of them decide to get married then this is going to be a BIG problem. It has to be resolved. Interestingly though, I usually hear it from the other side ... that the woman is the one who turns into "momma bear".

Look, this is all new for the both of you. He might not see it from your perspective without a lot of conversation ... maybe some ultimatums if nothing else works. He has to know it is a deal-breaker. In addition there are age differences where yes, the older children are going to get treated differently ... that would be the case in a family that wasn't mixed. I don't know if you can compare dollar figures to say what is equitable. The one child likes skating, the other likes hockey ... one is going to cost more than the other but at the end of the day you are supporting both of their activities. You say that your children are accepting of the relationship and the two of you have created a good environment for the children. Not somebody you want to quickly say "get lost" to.

It might just take some time. Your children are not his children and it is going to take some time to get in the mindset that the two of you are raising all of the children together ... that they are his to care for too. Not everybody can be Mike and Carol Brady right out the gate.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

as was asked above---what is the financial situation---if you had to give him money to complete his D---what does that say about him

What it looks like, is that HE IS ALWAYS GONNA PUT HIS KIDS AHEAD OF YOUR FAMILY---and if his X---is meddling in your life, and allowed to handle your kids property---you got MAJOR PROBLEMS

You may love him now---but that love is gonna be something very different---if you don't get this worked out

Money spent on kids needs to be equal, same thing for time spent, and attention---and biggest of all---DISCIPLINE

You may have made a very big mistake---giving up your life to move in with him----no matter what, do not even think of marrying him, till you have a proper EQUAL living relationship


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

So, you got involved with him while he was still married. That explains why his ex is giving you a hard time. Tell us honestly, were you the OW? Did you contribute to their split, or prevented them from reconciling in any way? I smell something more here...

His kids will always be more important than you. Just like, if you are a good mother, your kids should be more important than him or any other SO you will have. They're your kids, your blood, spouses can come and go.
But, my advice is do not get married, and consider moving separately again, until he understands that you will not tolerate your kids to be treated differently than his. Fix this now, and be firm, rather than get married and find yourself and your children in a big mess.
Either he changes his behavior, or you leave him. Don't be afraid to speak up.


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## ManOhMan2013 (Aug 1, 2013)

A parent should always put heir children first.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

jnj express said:


> Money spent on kids needs to be equal, same thing for time spent, and attention---and biggest of all---DISCIPLINE


Ok, I agree with most of this except the money part. It only needs to be fair, not equal ... that is a battle worth avoiding.

My youngest daughter is in gymnastics while my oldest daughter goes to dance. It appears to be fair to both of them. Gymnastics ultimately costs me more than dance ... but they don't know that and it doesn't matter.

I'm planning to pay for the college education of both my daughters. Suppose my daughter gets into Duke and it costs me $150K and my other daughter can't get into a place like Duke but is able to go to "Whatever State University" and it costs $50K. What would be fair ... should I hand my one daughter a check for $100K to make up the difference? Should I tell my one daughter ... sorry, I know you've been accepted to Duke but your sister could only get into "State College" so it's only fair you go to State College too?

Getting into that battle of ... well, you spent this on her so I get to to spend that too ... is something that should be avoided like the plague.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Sunnyside83 said:


> But how in the world do I convince him that WE all need to be treated equal! *He once told me that they will always come before me. *


I lived with someone like your b/f for 4 years, so I understand where you're coming from. 



> I am told that my kids skating costs to much ($375/yr) but his Kids hockey cost a massive $1500/year.


He's not treating you and your children *fairly*. The point is _not_ that he's spending $1500 on HIS child. I'm sure you could care less about how much he spent. But for him to complain to you about how much you're spending on YOUR child, when you're spending less than what he spent on his, well, that's a symptom of entitlement and possibly control. And I can tell you from experience, it won't get any better if you get married...

...which from everything else you've written, I hope you're not considering! 

The major relationship 'guru's' say that relationships succeed when there is _fairness_. If one person thinks or acts that they are _more important _than the other, that's where problems begin. 

People tell us who they are. The problem is, that we don't always LISTEN. Your b/f has already TOLD you that his child will always come _before_ you. It's time for you to listen to what he told you, and decide if you want to be in a lopsided relationship with this man. 

Unfortunately, people like him do not change. 

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Vega


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Can you help me understand this?
> What % of joint income does he bring in and do you bring in.
> Do you get child support from your ex? If you do, do you keep that child support in a separate account for your children or do you mix it with joint income?
> 
> ...


I agree with Elegirl on this.
Ypu need to give more details about the financial / income disparity [ if any exists ] between both of you.

Also remember you are living in his house , which at this time does not augur well for any semblance of fairness or leverage you would like to have in this situation.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> I don't know ... I think it is hasty to make that decision. Yes, if all things have been tried then absolutely ... if the two of them decide to get married then this is going to be a BIG problem. It has to be resolved. Interestingly though, I usually hear it from the other side ... that the woman is the one who turns into "momma bear".
> 
> Look, this is all new for the both of you. He might not see it from your perspective without a lot of conversation ... maybe some ultimatums if nothing else works. He has to know it is a deal-breaker. In addition there are age differences where yes, the older children are going to get treated differently ... that would be the case in a family that wasn't mixed. I don't know if you can compare dollar figures to say what is equitable. The one child likes skating, the other likes hockey ... one is going to cost more than the other but at the end of the day you are supporting both of their activities. You say that your children are accepting of the relationship and the two of you have created a good environment for the children. Not somebody you want to quickly say "get lost" to.
> 
> It might just take some time. Your children are not his children and it is going to take some time to get in the mindset that the two of you are raising all of the children together ... that they are his to care for too. Not everybody can be Mike and Carol Brady right out the gate.



I have to say I'm surprised at you JustSomeguy. Besides even what I said there are so many other red flags. playing house before divorce. Paying for his divorce. Excess drama with the ex.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Ok, I agree with most of this except the money part. It only needs to be fair, not equal ... that is a battle worth avoiding.
> 
> My youngest daughter is in gymnastics while my oldest daughter goes to dance. It appears to be fair to both of them. Gymnastics ultimately costs me more than dance ... but they don't know that and it doesn't matter.
> 
> ...


This not the issue at all. She living with some guy that not her kids father and going to tell her what she can and can't spend on them? Forget that!


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## DaytoDay (Jun 23, 2013)

I've done the blended family thing. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy and I consider my decision to marry into it the worst decision of my life. Now granted, that's not true for everyone, but with a 65% D rate for second M's, my sitch is obviously not unique, and I know a number of friends in the same sitch that are still M'd but not happy. It's an ugly deal, few people can make it work, and it requires tools/skills that seem to be lacking in your sitch already.

I'm also going to go against the crowd here and say that I disagree with the statement that children should always come first. We're not talking life-and-death scenarios here, just basic day-to-day stuff. The spouse has to come first, whether that's the bio-parent or not. If you can't trust that your spouse has the kids' best-interest at heart and is your partner in the effort, then the M is already messed up because of the lack of trust. And doing things "differently" doesn't qualify as untrustworthy. The M partnership has to be the priority. 

How do you sustain a M for the rest of your life with someone that will dump you at the drop of a hat whenever the kids need/want something, even under the guise of "putting the kids first?"


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

DaytoDay said:


> I've done the blended family thing. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy and I consider my decision to marry into it the worst decision of my life. Now granted, that's not true for everyone, but with a 65% D rate for second M's, my sitch is obviously not unique, and I know a number of friends in the same sitch that are still M'd but not happy. It's an ugly deal, few people can make it work, and it requires tools/skills that seem to be lacking in your sitch already.
> 
> *I'm also going to go against the crowd here and say that I disagree with the statement that children should always come first. We're not talking life-and-death scenarios here, just basic day-to-day stuff. The spouse has to come first, whether that's the bio-parent or not.* If you can't trust that your spouse has the kids' best-interest at heart and is your partner in the effort, then the M is already messed up because of the lack of trust. And doing things "differently" doesn't qualify as untrustworthy. The M partnership has to be the priority.
> 
> How do you sustain a M for the rest of your life with someone that will dump you at the drop of a hat whenever the kids need/want something, even under the guise of "putting the kids first?"


I don't know what the crowd here was saying but I was not saying kids come first over a spouse. I was saying kids come first over SO's. SO's come and go. Every time someone get a new BF or GF they supposed to put them in front of their kids? He!l no!


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

I think you need to move back to the town where your girls father lives, forget about this relationship and all its drama, and look for something far less complicated. Here is the simple truth. You never go into a relationship with someone who is not divorced yet, especially if they have kids. Its a bunch of mess and resentment and problems waiting to happen. And now you are seeing the results. Focus on your kids who you obviously feel are being cheated. Let them spend more time with their real dad and find a partner for yourself who will appreciate your children as much as you do.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Ok, I agree with most of this except the money part. It only needs to be fair, not equal ... that is a battle worth avoiding.
> 
> My youngest daughter is in gymnastics while my oldest daughter goes to dance. It appears to be fair to both of them. Gymnastics ultimately costs me more than dance ... but they don't know that and it doesn't matter.
> 
> ...


Not all parents would see it the way that you see it. some do see it in purely money terms and if the child needs more...... then too bad. 

I remember a friend of mine telling me that she got into Harvard Law. Her mother said, that's great if she has Harvard Law money. My friend did go and has done well since, don't know if she was handed more money than her sister because of the name brand of the school or if they got equal amounts for grad school.

Also, how much time an activity took also mattered. I think that parents, particularly mothers, will become concerned about how much time a child, particularly a daughter is involved in an activity when the parents depend on this child to take care of the younger ones.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Sunnyside83 said:


> So this is my very first post. Bare with me, as I am pretty emotional at this time.
> 
> My BF and I have been dating for over two years now. I have two children from previous relationship and he has two children from previous relationship. I love my BF very much, and I know he loves me very much as well. We talk about spending the rest of our lives together. But as of right now I am feeling pretty selfish.
> 
> ...


You say you love his children but then you go on to criticize his parenting & that you think his children are spoiled, etc. & how well behaved your children are.

This won't end well.

Blended families are very difficult on everybody especially the children. The "Brady Bunch" is fantasy not reality. You also are very critical of his children's Mother. I 100% agree that his children should be his priority. You are not his wife and you are not the children's Stepmother.

If your want your children to have skating lessons, why are you not paying for them? Are you financially dependent on this man?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> I meet and fell in LOVE with my BF. he lived in a town an hour and half from me. But that didn't matter,* I worked around his schedule* so *I could take time off work and come out and see him every time he was home from the work.* We fell madly for each other.
> 
> We decided *it was time to take next step*, and move in together. We decided *it was best for me to move to him*, as I had the younger children that weren't in school and the process would be easier. Plus he had his kids who were already in school and he owned a home there. So I broke the news to my X that I was moving away.





> My BF was not divorced at this time. So I help him in the process of getting divorced, emotionally and financially. Let me tell you it was a LONG process. Took over a year with her delay tactics.


You sound like you've been steering the ship this entire relationship. Making all the moves, doing all the rearranging of schedules. Paying for divorces...

What are you getting out of this relationship really? I imagine his X is 'psycho' because you look like a home wrecker to her. You and your kids have invaded her space. And honestly, uprooting your family and blending with a BF and his kids isn't a wise move on your part. If you were getting married in the very near future, that would make sense, but it doesn't sound like that's on the table. 

Shacking with kids is just not a good move. Your kids had a good thing with their own father. Whatever you see or feel them lacking with the BF is in abundance with their dad. Your BF isn't obligated to treat your kids like he treats his own. You're asking for too much in that department.

I think you should get over it if you plan on staying in this relationship. You can't have EVERYTHING your way.


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

Sunnyside83 said:


> So this is my very first post.
> 
> ...
> 
> ...


This would have made me leave him in a flash. Goodbyeseeyouneveragain.

My kids are happiest when they see Mom and Dad (or bf/gf in your case) holding hands, talking, laughing, spending time with each other. They learn from what they see.

Your kids are well behaved because you and your ex get along. His kids are all over the place because he and his ex still have issues. Kids pick up on that.

Your bf needs to show his kids that he loves you and you are his everything and that he respects their mom but she is just their mom to him now. But, you can't change adults. They have to do it on their own. Doesn't sound like he's that type.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

From your post your made a big mistake putting yourself into a situation like this and exposing your kids to this unhealthy drama. How about you place YOUR kids first and drop the guy until the kids are older and figure things out. Think about what you are putting your kids through. It's not fair to deal with this just so you don't sleep alone at night.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Sanity said:


> From your post your made a big mistake putting yourself into a situation like this and exposing your kids to this unhealthy drama. How about you place YOUR kids first and drop the guy until the kids are older and figure things out. Think about what you are putting your kids through. It's not fair to deal with this just so you don't sleep alone at night.


At the very least, it would be wise to move out on your own. Give your kids their own house, where they don't have to compete for resources or feel like guests.


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## Sunnyside83 (Aug 26, 2013)

Wow!! I can't believe the response I got! Thank you!

First of all I slept on it that night and realized that I didn't want to fight about it. There is a double standard in this house when it comes to his and my children. But I have faith that it will eventually even itself out. It really doesn't happen all the time..... But when it does I am usually already in a crabby mood not at all related to the kids.

I would like to add, that wow! some people on here think they know what's going on but they do not. So I would like to clarify a few things that were written by some folks that are completely untrue and irrelevant to this situation.

First, I am NOT the other woman! Haha I met my BF 3 years after he had been seperated from his X. I also did NOT leave my X for my current BF. His X has been in a relationship with the same man since they split up. So to say that "she acts like this because I am the other woman" is partially true. But it is not because I am the other woman it is because she is a PSYCHO! Haha, total nut job! 

Second, why can't I live with someone who isn't divorced yet? That does not make any sense to me. As there are a lot of people out there who's divorce could take years to complete. So they shouldn't be in a serious or committed relationship till the divorce is final? That in my opinion is just silly.

These last two years of our relationship has been stressful. But as I have read in many blended family books, that is a normal part of the process. I do think that 'we' as in him and I should come before the kids in day to day life. I hear his views on my girls and respect them (most of the time) and he is starting to hear my views on his children. But it has taken him a little longer to get comfortable with that idea.

We are not just any ol' BF, GF situation. We live together, have joint bank accounts. A fight or 5 is not going to send me packing. This isn't that type of relationship. We are very committed to each other. Yes, i'll be it not married, but very committed nonetheless.

I really wanted to write to get it off my chest. I was about to burst. I feel much more relaxed today. Sometimes I feel inferior in this house, but not always. Lots of times we are a BIG happy family. And those times far outweigh the bad, thankfully! 

I really like this forum. It's fun hearing strangers talk about something so personal to me. It put things in a whole other perspective. Normally the very few I do talk about this too, only tell me what they think I want to hear. So thank you again!


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## Sunnyside83 (Aug 26, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> You're not married to him, I don't see how you can do anything but let go of this relationship for your kid sake. He SHOULD treat his kids as a priority if you are not married. How would it be healthy for him to put them on the back burner for every relationship he is in?
> 
> But at the same time he should not treat your girl unfairly. This is a preview of what life will be like with him. That not fair to your girls.


I have been his only serious relationship since he separated. The children only know two extra people who have come into their lives, and that's myself and BF. They have never been exposed to numerous 'relationships'.


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## Sunnyside83 (Aug 26, 2013)

Holland said:


> Train wreck in the making. Did you get any professional advice when you decided to blend your families? You are in a bracket of people that has the highest divorce rate, second marriages (relationships) with children involved. You sound very bitter and the resentment is going to kill your relationship.
> 
> Seek some professional help asap before you screw up all your lives. You took your kids away from their dad to be with this new man, that is a very selfish thing to have done especially when you have only been with the new man for 2 years and not enough history to know if this is a LTR.
> 
> It does not sound like you have a good enough grip on the reality of blended families. There is no such thing as "let's all live together, equally, peacefully and in total bliss". It is possibly one of the hardest dynamics to be successful at, sadly you two have jumped in head first, dragged the kids along for the ride and clearly did not set up the ground rules first.


This is whole thing is quite far fetched. We put a lot of thought into our situation. I really don't think we need professional help. To each their own I guess, but your statement is way left field.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Sunnyside you came back! That's more than some do. 

I can appreciate that it is difficult to present a problem in your relationship without making your SO look like a jerk. He may very well be a great guy and you could have a great relationship overall. However it still seem very selfish of you to have take your girls away from a good Dad to go live with another man and he was still married. You could have exercise patience let him pay for his own divorce and work out his own issue with his wife. You took money away from your girl to purchase your bf freedom. 

By your own admission you let him stop your girls from doing their activity while he gave his boys what they want. This speak volume about who he is. You can't sugar coat that. Sure lots of people get into relationship with married people. But you have daughters that you should try to be building character and integrity by example. 

You also should want more for yourself.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Sunnyside83 said:


> These last two years of our relationship has been stressful. But as I have read in many blended family books, that is a normal part of the process. I do think that 'we' as in him and I should come before the kids in day to day life. I hear his views on my girls and respect them (most of the time) and he is starting to hear my views on his children. But it has taken him a little longer to get comfortable with that idea.
> 
> We are not just any ol' BF, GF situation. We live together, have joint bank accounts. A fight or 5 is not going to send me packing. This isn't that type of relationship. We are very committed to each other. Yes, i'll be it not married, but very committed nonetheless.


I appreciate you coming back and adding more information. 
I guess by your statements what you're really looking for is a way to get him to be more equal in his treatment of your kids , because both of you have invested heavily in joining your families together. After all, even your money is joined.

Is it that you feel he's taking too long in your opinion to come around to that point?


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## Sunnyside83 (Aug 26, 2013)

To answer your question, yes, sometimes I do feel like he has a double standard when it comes to the kids. He is more quick to be annoyed or see a fault in one of the girls than his boys. But to be fair his oldest boy is a real angel. That kid can do no harm! Hahaha seriously though. The middle guy, his youngest can be a little more difficult. But my girls aren't angels by any means. They can be little hellions, haha. I do try to see all of them as equal and should be treated or disciplined the same.

Though, he may not see it this way just yet. But I would hope that one day as time goes on it will just do it all by itself. He is in no way abusive or angry with my girls. But sometimes he can be harder on them then his own. 

I would like to add, I really only notice this when the boys are in our care. (1 week on, 1 off) All the other times I don't notice it.


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## SugarMonstaa (Aug 30, 2013)

Wow, that is hurtful what he said at the end. I understand how parents need to be everything for their kids but dang there's a thing called balance.

My sister and her husband both have one child together and a child from previous relationship making altogether 3 kids. My sister treats everyone the same as well as her husband (except he has his sons name's tatted on him except her daughter which I think is understandable lol).

Anyways, I also know another couple, This lady had a daughter and this guy had two boys. They all live like a family and are so happy together. She treats them as if they were her own even before they got married which they recently did.

I'm sorry I wasn't much help. But in my opinion, no one should be treated better than the other.

I hate how people say "you're not married so you can't blah blah" If you're committed, living together...I don't see why it changes automatically overnight when you say "I do"


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## justdance4me (Jul 12, 2013)

I have been away for a few weeks on vacation before back to work on Tuesday. Quickly read the post, my fiance puts his kids above me - he told me from day one his kids are "numero uno" and I have no problem with that. Now that we are settled living together, he tells his kids to be in their bedrooms by 9pm, doors closed. He doesn't care if they are asleep or not (since its the summer) but no coming downstairs as its time for him to spend with me.

I think its a good routine, the kids (16, 14, 12) respect our privacy. I just can't believe I am going to be a stepmom to teenagers, I'm only 17 years older than his oldest!


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## Sunnyside83 (Aug 26, 2013)

SugarMonstaa said:


> Wow, that is hurtful what he said at the end. I understand how parents need to be everything for their kids but dang there's a thing called balance.
> 
> My sister and her husband both have one child together and a child from previous relationship making altogether 3 kids. My sister treats everyone the same as well as her husband (except he has his sons name's tatted on him except her daughter which I think is understandable lol).
> 
> ...


I totally agree with that marriage statement! Thx for that! I do very much feel that if we (my BF and I) are going to make a family out of this. We need to treat it as such. No favorites. And the children get all the same treatment and praise. I make a real good effort in that way. Because of my BF's past with his X and how looney she was, it is going to take him a little more time to trust that I am here for him and his boys. That I would love nothing more then to grow old together with "our" grandbabies and children (step, naturel) in tow. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Sunnyside83 said:


> I totally agree with that marriage statement! Thx for that! I do very much feel that if we (my BF and I) are going to make a family out of this. We need to treat it as such. No favorites. *And the children get all the same treatment and praise. *I make a real good effort in that way. Because of my BF's past with his X and how looney she was, it is going to take him a little more time to trust that I am here for him and his boys. That I would love nothing more then to grow old together with "our" grandbabies and children (step, naturel) in tow.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Even in an intact family kids respond better to equitable treatment not necessarily equal treatment. In a blended family it is even more paramount. The same treatment and praise can come off as fake and is not sustainable. Better to deal with children on a "needs" basis. what one needs is different to the next. 

And all the experts I have ever spoken to and/or read say that the biological parent is the one to discipline a child not the step parent. Therefore the parents do need to treat children differently in blended families.


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## Sunnyside83 (Aug 26, 2013)

Holland said:


> Even in an intact family kids respond better to equitable treatment not necessarily equal treatment. In a blended family it is even more paramount. The same treatment and praise can come off as fake and is not sustainable. Better to deal with children on a "needs" basis. what one needs is different to the next.
> 
> And all the experts I have ever spoken to and/or read say that the biological parent is the one to discipline a child not the step parent. Therefore the parents do need to treat children differently in blended families.


Very very true!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

I think the fact that he is seeing the boys one week on one week off is what is making the difference here.

Hubby and I do not have children but he has 2 from his first marriage. When they came to see us he would throw money at entertaining them. It became ridiculous and we talked it through. It was the guilt at the split and trying to make the most of the time they had together but he wasn't seeing that he wasn't necessarily providing a loving, stable and sensible relationship by always going out to theme parks and the like with them.

Also, although your BF would probably never admit to such a thing, it can often be the case that parents compete with one another to give the children a good time.

When it is just you and him and your girls it sounds like you are seeing a normal family dynamic and he is not hard on them but when his boys come over all bets are off and they are number one. I can understand that but if the relationship is to continue it is very important that he gives it proper priority. Yes, the welfare of all the children is paramount but their welfare does not necessarily entail putting the adults at the back of the queue. A good strong relationship between the two adults will only enhance the stability of the family. If a child can say "jump" and the response is "how high?" the dynamics are totally wrong imo.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

You need to get some good literature on setting boundaries with the kids.

Talk to him about all the kids, tell him, you want to make sure that you treat them all equally. 

I agree that his children should not be deciding everything. Children should get to make to make choices, within reason. However when children feel they are in charge things do get out of hand. 

I wish you luck, because step parenting is hard.


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