# One day after separation - Wife already making plans with a facebook friend



## Supernova (Mar 23, 2011)

Hello, I have posted here before about my situation. It has been a few months since I last posted and going through a hard time right now. Looking back I should be used to all of this, yet I still hurt. I know I need to let go. I do not think I have ever done that. I feel I have always been the one to make changes and or try to hold on to a relationship that is unhealthy for me. 

Short recap: Married 8 years on Aug 16th, wife is very pretty, takes care of herself, two children, is a RN, I am a Marine of 12 years, wife has had 4+ EA's one she almost left for a married man with kids starting early in our relationship. Currently she has moved 300 miles with the kids. I have the separation agreement to pick up on Monday for signatures. 

If you read my story you can see we were having some issues from the past I was facing a few months ago while I was in Arizona for a training evolution. I felt I was at a crossroads. I read a few great books called "after the affair" and "how do I forgive you" by Janis Spring among others. It really helped me make up my mind and give it one last shot. I suggested if she wanted to read the books I would be more than happy in letting her. The book did a good job at not placing blame on either party so I thought it would be good for her to. But she never read them. 

We started talking in while I was in Arizona in April and things started going really good. We were communicating our wants, needs, hurts and respecting each other.

When I got home we were doing the normal family stuff we did previous; going to the beach with kids, working out together, sons tball, getting ice cream, making love, laughing and playing at the park. Things were going really good. I remember thinking.....we made the turn! We made it through the 7 year itch! Here comes "for better"! We were getting along well.

We were going to look at renting a bigger home but she wanted to buy a house. Something we always wanted. Being in the Marine Corps and moving a lot we decided to wait later on to purchase a home. We both thought it was time and very excited. Before taking the plunge I had a little voice saying "are you sure you want to do this"? But I figured if I am going to love I am not going to hold back or think about what could happen or what has happened. So I took the dive and said "Lets buy a house"! We were very happy. 

We decided to have a builder build a beautiful 3000 square foot home. Brand spanking new! It was a dream come true for both of us. I grew up in a trailer poor so this was such an exciting time. We signed the contract put down our deposit and waited for the builders to break ground. 

Then towards the end of June everything changed in one day. I don't recall how it all started but she came down from our bedroom one day upset and we got in to a little argument...it was something silly like leaving a napkin on the floor or something. I really do not remember. But she said "I don't think its a good idea to buy the house". I was like ok, fine. Then she tells me that she is going to separate mainly because I was going to deploy. I did not fight her about separating I kind of said fine. After all the times of being hurt and left I just figured what is the point. I obviously know there was a lot more going on in her head. She was probably thinking this way for months.

My deployment changed around July and I was no longer deploying .

After she said she was leaving we lived together in the same house. We were cordial. I did not want strife between us as we have children. I finally saw the attorney and had a separation agreement drafted up. She got a job as a Nurse and a apartment 300 miles away. Towards the last two weeks we started to feel for each other in a bittersweet way. But in my heart I knew we have to separate even though I wasn't looking for it, in my heart of hearts I knew it would either bring us back stronger or enable us to move on healthily. I wasn't going to beg or plead. The last few days she asked if there was a possibility of reconciliation. I said anything is possible but didn't push it. She said she was going to get individual counseling and I too (I have been since Feb). She was saying things like "I love you", "I have so much love for you right now", "you are a great man", "I am not trying to hurt you", "maybe we can be friends and go on some dates and do things the right way if things work out". We slept in the same bed since June, but never made love. We hugged every now and again. We even danced one last time at midnight in the dark before she left. We both were crying and confused. It took us 3 days to go over the separation agreement because we kept breaking down.lol It was a mess. 

She left on Wed Aug 10th and I was doing ok. I almost felt like a weight had lifted off of my shoulders. Reading TAM, reading books, being gentle with myself. My work has been taking care of me too which feels good that people care. I told myself that "I will make it", I will come out better. Welcome to the emotional roller coaster...ticket please, enjoy your ride!

Last night I pick up my ipad to browse the internet. I had let her borrow it while she was at work the other night. Well the first thing that opens is her email and right there in front of my face plain as day is a conversation between her and a guy from Facebook.

He was added to her friends on Wed (she left Wed) and Thur was already making plans on meeting up when she gets settled. I guess this would be when i had the kids for the weekend. Going to a Panthers game. Saying she was sad she was at a theme park with the kids and family and looking forward to his messages. He was also feeding in to it saying she brighten his day up. They only met one time growing up. He said it would be good meeting a 2nd time after 15 years. He is her age, single, no kids, never married and says has a good job. She is very beautiful and will not have a hard time finding a guy if not him. 

Immediately, and it isn't the first time, I have this stabbing sensation in my stomach. All the wind leaves my lungs, I am crushed. The world stops, mind is racing a hundred miles an hour. You know that feeling. You just deflate.

Perhaps this is what I needed to truly let go. Closure, right smack in front of my face that she doesn't give a damn about me. I have come to the realization that I need to let go for my own sanity. After 4 EA with one in the works she obviously has. I am only causing pain to myself thinking there was even a hint of her wanting to work it out. 

I understand we are separated but damn she didn't waste any time and we are still married....legally. Emotionally she divorced me a long time ago I guess. I feel a lack of respect for myself in trying so hard. All the times she cheated on me and I still stayed? I feel like a chump. I would always justify "well, I need to stay for the kids", "or focus too much on the good times'. I am angry at myself for not taking a stand so much sooner. But I didn't know a lot about relationships nor marriage in general. 

I am just so hurt today and confused. I look forward to the day that this is all behind me and I am a stronger man that can love again. 

I have not told her yet I know this is all going down. I don't even feel like talking with her at the moment.


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## Supernova (Mar 23, 2011)

Ugh, looks like there is more than one. I guess she is fishing. Screw this.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Get a divorce from this woman.  You don't deserve this.


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## risinphoenix (Aug 11, 2011)

I feel your pain. My estranged wife emotionally divorced me 3 months ago & she had 1 EA that I know of. Im moving out tomorrow & I know she will go buck ass wild. She has started drinking heavily these past few months just so she can't feel & doesnt have to deal with everything. Its gonna be hard to move on but sometimes thats all we can do & keep hope in a small corner of our hearts that they will get themselves right 1 day & wanna be back with us & hopefully by then we will be in a healthy enough place within ourselves that we will decide if we want to try again instead of reacting off of our hurt emotions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Supernova (Mar 23, 2011)

I pick up the separation papers Monday but we don't have a clause in there about introducing another man/women to the children while separated. I am concerned that she may...I don't think the children should have to deal with that if it does happen. Not saying she is going to do that...but it is not in the agreement. I was thinking about that while we were drafting it up but was naive enough to think that wouldn't be a possibility. 

I am not planning on starting a relationship....hell no, not until I fully heal from all of this. I want to be the best emotionally for myself. To be happy with myself. Love will come eventually. I am in no rush. Especially for a rebound relationship. I must face my hurt and not bury it. I must take advantage of this time......I am going to look at it as a gift.


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## Supernova (Mar 23, 2011)

That_girl - Thanks, it is what I need to do.

risinphoenix - Sorry you are going through the same crap. Hang in there! I feel my wife is going buck wild too. You know what though, have at it. Karma, what goes around comes around. 

I am going to go NC (except for kids), 180, not to win her back but to get myself right. It finally makes sense! You do the 180 with disregard to her. It is all about YOU. You take power back. in order to 180 I guess you have to be honest with yourself and accept that you may lose them but in the end it will be worth it.


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## risinphoenix (Aug 11, 2011)

I agree with you supernova....its time to take the power back. I also will have NC with her except where our son is involved & take care of myself so I can be a better man for my son. This whole situation is bs & im just ready to be over it. It drives me absolutely insane that she went from loving & being loving towards me & then the next day she decided it was time to absolutely disconnect from me. There will be no relationship for me in my near or immediate future. I have to many wounds that need healed first.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Supernova, you got this...I can tell from your writings that you are acknowledging the pain, but know how to heal yourself. The 180 is the perfect elixir to desperation and disillusion. I have been through the fire,and I know how sweet the nectar of freedom from constant pain is. Good luck in all your decisions.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Divorce her.


Separation in these cases is just an open marriage for at least one of the spouses.


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## Supernova (Mar 23, 2011)

Yeah, I think that was her intent in the first place. I think I saw a post her about the "Separation is a crock". I can see similarities with wanting to get out of the marriage to test the waters but at the same time lead me on. If she had not left her email open on my iPad I would of never known. 

So in a sense I find closure in it. Like a nail in the coffin. I have to accept it and push forward. Yeah there are gonna be hellish days and there will be better days. Eventually I know the bad days will start to dwindle and I awake one day with a new sense of self.

I got a long road ahead of me. Thanks for the encouragement and support. I find TAM very beneficial.


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## Supernova (Mar 23, 2011)

Well today has been a pretty good day. I know I will have bad ones and good ones....but it is nice to feel like I am going to make it

She came by with the moving truck to pick up her things. I wasn't around, we both agreed that it would be odd with her father there and whatnot.

I picked up the separation agreement today and signed it. It was somewhat surreal. I am sending it to her tomorrow for signature/Notarized.

I have not initiated any contact. I tell the kids good night. Last few days she has been getting on after I talk to the kids and try to small talk. I am respectful, don't talk about the Marriage, then I keep it short. She has been texting more it seems to. I really feel I am headed in the right direction. I really feel like this is the best thing for use. I don't know, everything feels different than other separations.

I have been really focusing on my shortfalls as a person in the marriage. I can definitely see me playing the "nice-guy" routine which is not attractive. I am not saying I need to be a jerk but I need to do a better job at expressing my needs and whatnot. So I am learning a lot and growing.

I saw on the history of our computer that she had visited Match.com back in late July so I am pretty sure she has a profile or about to.

Today I saw her Mom had sent her a picture of a guy. My wife responded "Haha! much cuter in person". then started talking about "guess who is my sisters Time Warner Guy is"...not sure what that is all about. Then her Mom was like, I am sure it would be fun to hang out with someone for now...and it has been a long-time coming, and your the one making the break, but your heart needs mending. She said she speaks from experience....she is on her Thrid marriage and my wife says it isn't too good. Anyways, it looks like it runs in the family. 

She text today that she was crying and it was one of the worst days of my life. Says its very hard to leave her lover and friend. Its all lip service to me...after the convo with her Mom.

I told her I wished her happiness in whatever is in store for her.

Tomorrow is my anniversary. I plan on driving to the Beach(10 mins away) and watch the sunrise on my new life. Trying to do new things and enjoy what life I have in me.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Sounds like a good plan. On another note, were there no jobs closer than 300 miles for her? That is selfish in itself, but that is not news to you. You are going to fine, her, we'll see!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Supernova said:


> Well today has been a pretty good day. I know I will have bad ones and good ones....but it is nice to feel like I am going to make it
> 
> She came by with the moving truck to pick up her things. I wasn't around, we both agreed that it would be odd with her father there and whatnot.
> 
> ...


Good idea.


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## Supernova (Mar 23, 2011)

Locard, thanks for bringing that up about her moving 300 miles away.

She quit her job here as a RN working 3 days a week. She makes decent money.

She was initially was going to separate due to me deploying. Then she decided building the new house was not a good idea. I was ok with that but I told her that I had 4-5 months until I would deploy and I would love to be able to take this time to be with my kids as much as possible. Now, I am not saying I was going to go overseas and die....but you never know what could happen when you are in a hostile land with people that want to kill you. You know, just saying. I know the dangers of my job. I dont always agree with the politics.

So that was hard on me. I respectfully told her my thinking behind it. I told her she can separate but please let me share these last few months with my kids. She could of worked here for a while longer while I gear up for the deployment. I was scheduled to be away for a whole year.

Honeslty if you have ever served you would know that dates fluctuate. They are not always in stone to say. I could of easily got the call 2 months earlier or later. 

Deployment has been pushed up and I am getting promoted soon so I am probably going to go later.

But yeah, I felt it was her looking out for her needs and not really seeing my side of it. Again, I wasn't saying do not separate...just asking her to hang around a few months until I leave.

She has family and friends in Charlotte.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Semper Fi, Devil Dog. Hang in there. Your wife sounds a lot like mine. The "Just let them go" thread on "Coping with Infidelity" is a good one. I hope you are able to spend as much time as possible with the kids before you go back to the sandbox. I just went to a friends retirement party this past weekend. I've never seen so many Sgt. Majors in one place, lol. He was a Sgt. Maj. It was good to reconnect to all of the old friends. I've been out about 12 years. I was over there in 90/91 for Desert Storm. We had it a lot better than you current Marines do now. I heard a lot of stories and saw a lot of pictures this weekend from their last deployment. You know the type of pictures. War is ugly. 

Congratulations on your upcoming promotion. First or second rocker? There are a lot of us in the same situation with regards to your marriage. It sucks, but misery loves company. It helps some to know you are not alone.


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