# should i believe him?



## minky28 (Dec 27, 2012)

I’ll try to keep this as short as I can
So I’m 28 and my husband is 30. We’ve been together for 8 years and married for 4 months now. 
We got engaged 2 years ago and started planning our wedding but then last November he left me, his reason being he was a horrible person and didn’t deserve to be with me. I’m still not sure why he thought he was such an awful person. January can around and we got back together and carried on with our wedding plans.
We’ve been together for a long time (8 years) and in the main its been great and we’ve been really happy. However he has text other girls so I have a few trust issues anyway but a month before the wedding I found out he was texting a girl at work. He played it down and said there was nothing going on which I believed.

We got married and had a perfect day. On the 2nd week of honeymoon he started to act a bit odd and really distant, I felt like he kept going off on is phone but I don’t know if I’m just really paranoid now! We got back from honeymoon & he disappeared for the weekend and had his phone turned off the whole time. Then a week later he left and said that he didn’t deserve me etc, the same as the last time. He acted really erratically, one min saying what a horrible person he is, the next that he loves me and misses me. This carried on for the last 3 months.
2 weeks ago I finally got him to go to the doctors and as I suspected he’s depressed and has anxiety. Also he has admitted to having $40k debt! He lies a lot, about small things and I heard a rumour that he hadn’t told people at work he was getting married but when I question him he denies it.
Now he wants to try sort things out and go to counselling but I’m scared he’ll do it again, I really couldn’t take it. The last 3 months have been torture and I don’t want to be taken for a fool. But he I love him so much & I know he loves me and wants us to have a good future together.

I just wondered if anyone has been through anything similar or has any advice? x


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

I think when someone tells you that they don't deserve you, you should take them seriously.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

He's telling you he doesn't deserve you because he really doesn't. He's cheating on you, and he knows that by telling you what he is, you will keep believing he's such a nice guy.

Dump him. Now. BEFORE you have kids. Run far far far away and do not look back. He only wants you around as a place to be when he doesn't feel like being somewhere else. What do you think he disappeared for a whole weekend for?!?! It sure as heck wasn't to 'find himself'.

He doesn't love you. He loves the idea of you maybe, the stability he knows he should try for, but he isn't willing to do it. The same thing will keep happening over and over. Do you want to look back in 20 years and ask yourself, "WHY didn't I run away when those people on TAM said I should?"


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## LifeAsIKnowIt (Dec 26, 2012)

Did you marry my ex-husband? We had quite the similar story. Strange behavior, leave, come back, kiss and makeup. The two newest Taylor Swift songs are our marriage.

The first time I caught him cheating on me was 2 weeks after we married. Like an idiot I stayed. Things got better for awhile but then slowly went down hill again. And when I was 6 months pregnant he said that his company (construction) was sending a crew out for a weekend so he would be gone until Monday night. Little did he know I had already suspected he was cheating and the girl he had been emailing and set up a plan to spend the weekend with was "me". When I told him I knew, his job miraculously no longer needed a weekend crew and he was staying home. We talked, he left, we talked, he came back. And it went on like this for 3 more years. The last time he left we didn't talk. And he never came back. That's was 6 years ago.

I agree with the other posters. Run. Run. Run.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## minky28 (Dec 27, 2012)

thank you all so much for your advice. I think deep down i know it all makes sense and that i need to be strong but thats easier said than done!

I think the thing that keeps bringing me back to him is that hes depressed and i have a bit of hope that once he gets the depression sorted out that he might go back to the lovely person that i once thought he was. i see glimmers of this every now and then and that what im holding on to. 

Also, I feel like i need some real proof thats hes cheating to justify ending things to me and everyone else so i dont feel like im just giving up. 

Thank you all so much. Your wise words have really put things into a bit more perspective xx


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## minky28 (Dec 27, 2012)

Thank you all so much for your advice. It really is helping.

I’m so torn at the moment - I don’t know whether to believe him when he says he’s sorting himself out and wants to get things back on track or whether I should cut my losses and get out. When im with him things are good and he seems like he’s really trying. We’ve also been going to counselling and it looks like a lot of things in his past have affected him more than he’s ever realised. Then when im by myself I feel like I don’t deserve to have been treated like this and wonder if he really loves me after acting this way. 

Because I don’t have hard evidence that he’s cheated I feel I can’t just walk away, because if he hasn’t and he really does sort himself out then I don’t want to throw something good away. But I don’t know if he’s ever going to be the person I thought he was.
I feel I can’t have peace of mind either way at the moment as there’s so many questions unanswered. help!!


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

minky28 said:


> However he has text other girls so I have a few trust issues anyway but a month before the wedding I found out he was texting a girl at work. He played it down and said there was nothing going on which I believed.


I wouldn't worry too much. I like hanging with women, so most of my friends are women. I would worry if he absolutely insists you and his female friends never meet or hang out. He shouldn't do that with male friends either. He has a bunch of guy friends but he doesn't want you to meet them or be part of that social circle? That would be a huge red flag.



> Then a week later he left and said that he didn’t deserve me etc, the same as the last time. He acted really erratically, one min saying what a horrible person he is, the next that he loves me and misses me. This carried on for the last 3 months.
> 2 weeks ago I finally got him to go to the doctors and as I suspected he’s depressed and has anxiety.


This would make sense. I'm not joking when I say this, but most humans are total psychopaths. A normal person can steal, cheat, and still believe they are worth knowing. Thinking he's a horrible person, even if he is a horrible person, is not normal.



> Also he has admitted to having $40k debt! He lies a lot, about small things


According to Cracked.com author John Cheese, lying about things for no reason is what happens when you grow up in a crappy family. It takes a lot of work/time to get over that hump. Having massive debt might be another thing related to growing up poor and having no concept of how to manage money.



> and I heard a rumour that he hadn’t told people at work he was getting married but when I question him he denies it.


I don't tell anything to coworkers. Why would I? It's not like we're friends.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

I think you need a second opinion about his mental state. I know that the usual first conclusion people make here on TAM for odd behaviors is cheating. 
There can be other causes for similar behavior and those two are mental illness/disorders and addiction.
Next time he says he does not deserve you ask him why? If he is going to make statements like that then he needs to give you cause/ reason he has that belief. 
I feel that the other options for his behavior are worth looking at along with the possibility that he is cheating on you.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Minky you have to look at his actions, not listen to his words.

I am trying to fix myself after long term depression. It can make you do weird things, hell I was behaving so out of the norm my wife believed I was having an affair. Becoming withdrawn from your partner and being defensive are both traits that are shared by cheats and depressives. My situation is proof enough the two can be mixed up.

What I would say though, depression does not excuse anything. I am now taking responsibility for what I did (even though it kinda feels like I was watching someone else do them) and it absolutely does not excuse cheating. Even on my darkest days my morality was still there and I would never have cheated on my wife. Not ever.

Seems to me first thing you need to do is some digging and see if there is evidence to find. As someone that has empathy with anyone struggling with mental health I would urge you to get him to seek help if he is depressed and has past issues. I have to stress though you can support him but HE has to be the one taking action.

If digging turns up he has been cheating then you should kick him out. Depressed or not.


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## minky28 (Dec 27, 2012)

Hi all, thanks for your comments.

So a bit of an update. My husband’s ups and downs have been carrying on for the last few months now. Hes been to the doctors and was prescribed antidepressants. We’ve been to couples counselling which started to get to some of the issues he has with his dad and his upbringing. Things kept getting better and then he’d flip out and be really down. We’d talk and things would get a bit better and then he’d get down again, its like a circle, the same thing kept happening. 2 weeks ago he got really down and was signed off from work with stress. He went to work everyday that he was signed off which really hasn’t helped anything. Hes working at the relationships he has with his parents and last week wrote me a letter saying how he wants to focus on us, that im the most important thing in his life and he can’t live without me, etc. He said he wanted to move back in and sort things out. He moved back in last Sunday and stayed for the whole week, which is the longest time we’ve lived together in the last 6 months. I was really happy that things seemed to be getting better although was on edge that he’d flip out again. He even booked us a holiday for a months’ time as he wants us to spend quality time together with no distractions. The last few days every time I tried to talk to him about our issues he got really moody and just blocked me out. Last night he didn’t come home and this morning told me he’s stopped taken the anti-depressants as he doesn’t need them and he can sort this out by himself. 

I really don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know if hes going to stay in this circle forever or if he even wants to be with me anymore. I just can’t understand how someone can book a holiday one week and the next act like they don’t care about you. I feel like I’ve been living in limbo for the last 6 months, not knowing what’s going to happen to my life. I feel like I have no control and I’m just waiting for him to decide what he wants. The up and down is killing me. I just don’t know what to do xx


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Nothing has changed. We already gave you advice which you aren't following. You can't fix him. Only he can fix him, and he obviously isn't willing to do what needs doing.

So the question is, how long are you going to keep taking this from him before you've had enough?

Words mean nothing. He can write all the letters he wants, but unless he follows up with ACTIONS, it means nothing. He's proven to you over and over he will never follow up with actions.


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## minky28 (Dec 27, 2012)

Two weeks ago I found out my husband has been cheating on me. The worst part is that he’s been seeing someone for over a year. ….I can’t believe it. I found out his work doesn’t know he got married and I’ve even found out that he went away with this girl 2 weeks before our wedding and also after our honeymoon. I’m so shocked!!
When I confronted him he was absolutely distraught and since has ended things with this girl. He told me he’s been a totally different person the last year, she meant nothing to him and wants to get back to the old him. He’s constantly been texting/calling/turning up begging me to give him a chance to let him prove to me he’s changed and that im all he ever wants.
I’m finding it really hard as all I’ve ever wanted is to have the life id planned with him and now he’s offering it to me. the only problem is the MASSIVE betrayal , lying and cheating and I don’t know if I could ever trust him. I know what I should do, its just not I want to do. My head is telling me to run but my heart is still wondering what if he could get back to the man I fell in love with. Help!!!


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

*Re: Re: should i believe him?*



minky28 said:


> Two weeks ago I found out my husband has been cheating on me. The worst part is that he’s been seeing someone for over a year. ….I can’t believe it. I found out his work doesn’t know he got married and I’ve even found out that he went away with this girl 2 weeks before our wedding and also after our honeymoon. I’m so shocked!!
> When I confronted him he was absolutely distraught and since has ended things with this girl. He told me he’s been a totally different person the last year, she meant nothing to him and wants to get back to the old him. He’s constantly been texting/calling/turning up begging me to give him a chance to let him prove to me he’s changed and that im all he ever wants.
> I’m finding it really hard as all I’ve ever wanted is to have the life id planned with him and now he’s offering it to me. the only problem is the MASSIVE betrayal , lying and cheating and I don’t know if I could ever trust him. I know what I should do, its just not I want to do. My head is telling me to run but my heart is still wondering what if he could get back to the man I fell in love with. Help!!!


He was never the man you thought you fell in love with. You never knew him how he really is, and now more an more is showing. He played you big time, and shows no respect for you.
Please make yourself no. 1 and leave him, he will never be someone he never was or could be. Wish you lots of strenght without someone that makes you feel so bad...


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