# Help needed please



## Alex22Burton (Jul 21, 2011)

Hi everyone. I am after help and advice from a female perspective. I am married and have been for 11 years to the most amazing and beautiful woman. We have a beautiful child. My wife is perfect in every way. She is smart, sexy, clever, funny, a brilliant mother. Ony its taken her to stop wearing her wedding band for me to see this is how I truly feel. I had what some may term an EA (?). I used FB, had a laugh and a flirt with a couple of women. I was blind to the hurt I was causing my wife. She saw what I had done. I also used to compliment her on how she looked ie sexy and gorgeous but would spoil it by adding a comment that was meant in jest but upset her and I didnt notice it. Intimacy became unintimate as I would get frustrated at things. This happened infrequently but not numerous times. I would talk over her, feign interest in how her day had been, lose my temper at the silliest of things both privately and in public. It is a culmination of all this that has made my best friend, my soulmate, the woman I love react as she rightly has. I hold no-one else to blame. We had no major problems. It is all my fault. 

We did have a long heart to heart and my wife told me that because I had said before I would change (and seemingly havent) she wasnt wearing her wedding band. It was this that really took the wind out of my sails and made me realise just how much of an idiot (and so much worse) I have been. I have never physically touched my wife or physically betrayed her. I know that an EA is as bad.

Please could you advise me how to be. I love my wife unconditionally and dont want to lose her. We are still sleeping in the same bed and talk as we always did so that has given me hope. We are going on holiday together with our child. A trusted female friend had told me it is just a lady's way of reacting to what has happened. I should behave as I did when my wife and I were first together. Listen to her, treat as she should be treated, love her but dont smother or harass her, give her as much time and space as she needs and not what I think she needs.

I have closed my FB account and have offered to show my wife my email account. 
I have seem that this type of problem is covered in different forums but would be grateful of any advice in one forum.
Thankyou.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I think you need counseling, because your behaviours are symptoms of other problems. They won't be fixed without a lot of work and self reflection by you. If you don't do the work you will end up back in this same place.

Act like a man who values his wife and family above any one else.
Never ever belittle your wife, no reasonable person makes a compliment and then takes it away by making an awful remark. It's not a joke to do that to someone you love and it certainly isn't funny.

Never ever put other women or people before your wife. Her feelings should matter all the time, even if she would never know what you have said and done, you need to mindful about what you are doing and if it's respectful to your wife and marriage.

Don't treat your wife worse then a stranger or guest. Imagine every day when you see her that she's a guest in your home, greet her with a smile, hug her and take genuine interest in her. If you love someone you will want to be there for them.

You should give your wife complete access to your computer, any accounts and phone.


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## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

My H also had an EA..a long distance one, but he did have one, none the less so I can really identify with how your wife feels.
If your wife is as wonderful as you described, why on earth did you do what you did? My H was on a photo sharing site with his former EA partner..I just recently found out...and when I saw the comments he made on photos of naked and nearly naked women I almost hit the floor..just one of the many ways I was hurt by this EA. This will stay with me for the rest of my life.
It will take a long time, but if you work hard at mending your marriage, I think it can work.
I wish you all the best.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Alex22Burton said:


> I would talk over her, feign interest in how her day had been, lose my temper at the silliest of things both privately and in public.


You sound like my ex-husband. He did all of those things. Can I ask why you did those things if you love her? 
Treating her poorly, giving backhanded compliments, being mean/rude to her in public (and privately)? I would really like to know.

The reason why your sex life diminished is because:

1. Women tie sex into their emotions and you were neglecting her emotionally and add to that the affair, that led her desire to wane for you
2. You weren't respecting her by doing all of the above so again, loss of libido and the third and final thing:
3. Eventually SHE lost respect for YOU. 

And it's an unwritten rule that women do not love men they don't respect.

So now you have to gain her respect back and earn her trust.

It's good you have deleted your FB and are being open with your passwords. Have you apologized to her? I would start there. Really apologize, and not just a "Sorry" but an apology stating WHY you are sorry, what you did to cause her pain and empathizing with how she feels as an end result of your mistreatment of her.

Right now, the ball is in her court. Don't smother her, like your friend advised. Commit to changing your behavior. Your biggest battle right now is to convince her you will stop past repeated behaviors because now she's got it locked in her head that that is how you are.

Offer and schedule going to marriage counselling.


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## Alex22Burton (Jul 21, 2011)

_


Jellybeans said:



You sound like my ex-husband. He did all of those things. Can I ask why you did those things if you love her? 
Treating her poorly, giving backhanded compliments, being mean/rude to her in public (and privately)? I would really like to know.

Click to expand...

_


Jellybeans said:


> I have a coarse sense of humour and sometimes I forget myself. What I deem as a harmless joke others dont. That is the honest truth. I was too blind to notice her discomfort. Had I seem it I would never have done anything like it. I have no justifiable excuse.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well I meant, more for the other things you were doing to her -- losing your temper at her in public, talking over her, feigning interest in her. The stuff that isn't joking--it's intentional.


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## Alex22Burton (Jul 21, 2011)

I have always had a quick temper. I never realised how bad it was until now. Things like road rage set it off. I am refelcting on it and making huge changes to myself and I know it will take a lot of time and effort. It was when she mentioned work that I would lose interest and then it became par for the course. 

I know I have so much to do. My friend has told me that the fact my wife and I still talk as we used to, text as we used to, sleep in the same bed and the fact that she still changes in front of me is a good sign. Its a sign that I must change though or it will be lost


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Have you considered getting counselling for yourself or therapy to help you deal wiht your anger?


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## Alex22Burton (Jul 21, 2011)

Yes I have and I am actively looking into it. I have tried recommended self help techniques such as listening to soothing music, keeping occupied, reading etc. All of this has helped as I seem to have become more positive about managing my anger. As I have already said there is long way to go but I am wholly focused on reagining the trust and love and respect of my wife. She (along with our child) are my sole reasons for being now and for the foreseeable future. I have taken comfort from the advice and some of the similar threads and also from the advice my trusted friends have offered.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

All I see is you saying you know what did wrong, you know need to change, you know you were a complete A$$hole. I DON"T SEE ANY SERIOUS ACTION. Self help books! Please...do they work for an addict or an old dog that can't learn new tricks. GET OFF YOUR A$$


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## Alex22Burton (Jul 21, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> All I see is you saying you know what did wrong, you know need to change, you know you were a complete A$$hole. I DON"T SEE ANY SERIOUS ACTION. Self help books! Please...do they work for an addict or an old dog that can't learn new tricks. GET OFF YOUR A$$


Yes Sir, Gunnery Drill Sergeant, Sir! I am getting of my ass as you so eloquently put it. But thanks for the encouragement


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> All I see is you saying you know what did wrong, you know need to change, you know you were a complete A$$hole. I DON"T SEE ANY SERIOUS ACTION. Self help books! Please...do they work for an addict or an old dog that can't learn new tricks. GET OFF YOUR A$$


Made me :rofl: Good advice, very matter of fact!


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

No wonder my wife says I can slice someone to pieces with my voice and leave them standing vertical before they know what hit them!


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

ANd thank you for the respect of calling me gunney!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Alex, I think therapy is a really good idea along with anger management. I don't know the extent of what you did to your wife but on the surface of what you say--all of those things I postd my ex-husband did--he was emotionally abusive. I don't now if waht you did was a constant and she got fed up but if it was, then you have a HUGE uphill battle in showing her that you understand what you did wrong and are fully committed to righting your wrongs.

An apology goes a long way. Offer marriage counselling. Call and schedule it.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Great advice JB. Listen up ALex you scum sucking piece of SH!t your mother crapped out because she was tired of carrying you!


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I'm too good at this!


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I hope you know I'm pulling your chain Alex!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> All I see is you saying you know what did wrong, you know need to change, you know you were a complete A$$hole. I DON"T SEE ANY SERIOUS ACTION. Self help books! Please...do they work for an addict or an old dog that can't learn new tricks. GET OFF YOUR A$$


the only thing I ever see on here is colored pixels that make up letters on a screen and has some sort of meaning. The only kind of "action" I really see on here is all the :rofl: icons I see JB posting on here the last few days.

But yeah I get your point, one thing to talk, another to do, that is my big challenge in life!


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