# Unsure if I want to stay married



## joshp689 (Jun 19, 2012)

Hello every one,

I am new to this forum and am in need of advice. My wife and I have been married for 2 years, we dated 3 years before that. Let me first say I still do love my wife, here are the problems.

My wife and I have really different interests and lifestyles; here is a list to compare.

Mine 
-I like to be outside.
-I like to be active.
-I like an adrenalin rush(don't take this as an extreme dare devil...etc.)
-I like to go camping, fishing, and swimming.
-I am not afraid to get dirty or hurt(physical pain or short time current hygiene conditions won’t stop me from doing things I enjoy)
-I don't mind doing things that "bend" laws and rules( do donuts in snow covered parking lots, go fishing in sections of local lakes after hours that have curfew.)


Now for my wife
-watch T.V.
-surf the net
-she won't go outside because bees might sting her
-she is too lazy to do anything active
-she won't go camping because she doesn't want to get "dirty"
-she won't swim in anything but a pool because she doesn't want to touch the bottom of the lake/river
-she won't bend any rules/laws(mind you I'm not talking about big things IE DUI, theft, drugs... she won't even go swing on a swing in the park after hours.

The question not whether I love her or not, it's can I cope with her lifestyle. For the time being if I want to do any of my hobbies I have to do them without her, if I do something with her I feel as a wild animal locked up in a cage. I have pushed aside the things I like to do to spend time with her but now it's starting "hurt" and I think it's causing me to become depressed. The more I think about it the logical it seems to get a divorce. That's the reason I'm here I do love her, but we can't spend "quality" time together doing something we both enjoy. I am starting to think that I would rather be with some one I can take fishing, camping, and be "lively" when we party.

We also fight over small/petty things. This last weekend we( I was drinking but was with me) were at my buddies. One of my friends wanted to fight( playing)/wrestle and started to throw empty(once had beer in them but we drank it all) at me and I blocked them with my arm/hand in doing so some beer splashed(I would say a 20oz bottle lid size) on my wife, she then blamed me for getting beer on her as if I am not supposed to defend myself in the off chance that she might become an innocent bystander.

If/when you reply please don't jump to any conclusion, ask for clarification before making a drastic statement.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you spoken to her about any of this?


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## joshp689 (Jun 19, 2012)

Yes, I told her that if we spend time together I am bored, or I am having fun but I'm not with her.


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## miss812 (Jun 17, 2012)

Has she always been like this or has something recently changed?

Does she know that you are so bothered by it?


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

These are the kinds of complaints I wonder why you didn't consider and address before marriage.

Josh, when you post on public forums, you have to be prepared for responses you don't like. This is going to be one of those responses. Are you ready?

It is a well-known fact that girls and boys mature at a different rate with girls moving ahead during/after puberty. Even after adulthood (ages 18-23 and possibly older for some), men are still not as mature as women. Some of the things you mentioned doing are things she did at 12-14 years old and is no longer interested in childish behaviors. Several of the things you described are irresponsible behaviors. You are angry and considering divorce because your wife won't be irresponsible with you. The other things are simply a matter of different interests. Rather than hold them against her also, find some things that interest both of you, things the two of you can enjoy together. The purpose of marriage is to build a life together. You capricously entered (another immature reaction) into a marriage with whom you have nothing in common. That doesn't mean you can't find some things you both like to do. Let her know it is imperative that you both find things you like to do together. It isn't fair to you that you are being considerate enough to spend time with her and have to be bored doing nothing, at least not all the time. Doing nothing together is also important, but doing nothing can't be expected all the time either.

A typical scenario of a child's behavior is the proverbial "taking my marbles and going home" as an immature reaction when a kid cannot get his way. And that is what you are doing right now, or rather that is what you are considering you want to do. You want out of your marriage because she won't be your playmate. 

Marriage is supposed to be a lifetime commitment. You took a vow. That vow was supposed to mean something. Not only that, but you are expected, as an adult, to keep your word - to keep your vow. Marriage doesn't mean you can run away for every reason that causes you dissatisfaction. 

Think over your life, your commitments, and your routines. How often do you give up? How often do you decided to no longer be committed to your commitments? I'm not jumping to any conclusions. These questions are for you ask yourself. I don't even want to know the answers, so please don't tell me. The purpose is for your own self examination.

The bottom line is, you are, at some point, going to have to grow up. You might as well grow up with the woman you love, particularly since you took the vows of marriage.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Try to find things you can do together, as well. You can have separate hobbies of course, but it will help you to identify the common ground.

You sound a bit more rough and she more refined; did you guys fall in live because of your differences? What kept you together before? Are you bored with your marriage because you've got your eye on someone else? Are you feeling emotionally disconnected from your wife? Are you both pursuing some kind if joint goal or project that helps you feel like allies? Are you fulfilled in your life's purpose or trying to be? How old are you both?

I ask because...these just seem like hobbies really. If you two are life partners and not just social companions, then you've gotta find the thing you're partnered in...that's where your common ground will be. Boredom is a poor excuse for leaving a marriage; do you both support each others goals? Do you have a good sex life? Do you still date each other?


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## joshp689 (Jun 19, 2012)

First I want to say sorry for not finishing my thread(it was getting past my bed time)

River1977: Your right we should have worked out those things before getting married, but no one told gave me a guide book or told me how to do it. I don't agree with the word "irresponsible", I think young hearted is more fitting. The reason I say this is I work full time 6am-430pm, I'm in the National Guard, I am never late on a bill(I pay for them without her help), I have my own place(renting). I have my fair share of responsibilities and I always make sure they come first. There has been a few days I haven't eaten because I spend all my money on bills.

Here are the other reasons I am thinking of leaving. My wife is lazy, our bedroom floor is covered with her clothes, I had to move my dirty laundry basket in the hall way so my clothes won't get lost in her mess. She only does laundry when she runs out of clean clothes.
She won't help with chores, she will fill the garbage can to the point stuff starts to fall out and then I end up taking it out. she will let the sink fill up to the point dishes start to over flow on to the counter, and yes I end doing them we even have a dishwasher. she will go out to eat and leave "the bag" sitting on the floor/couch foe a week. her car passenger seat is full of fast food bags it's parallel to the seat(no room for your feet).
She has gained weight over the last two years(by no means am I saying I'm in perfect shape, but I am fit enough to be in the army), and that has caused her periods to stop. Instead of trying to lose weight and see if that will restart her periods, she just wants to take medicines to kick start it(Yes, I have told her how I feel and that I would rather her lose weight first, all she said is that I am mean for calling fat and not supporting her). she sits on the couch all day complaining about her weight, but won't do anything to change it. 

She gets really snappy with me, as stated above she freaks out one me over little/ things I can't control. She wants to text through out the day, and gets mad when I'm busy at work. She then turns around and her friends come over and I don't get a reply back. When we get into fights she always come "both pistols loaded and firing", meaning she wont come ask why I did/didn't do what I did. She come yelling saying its my fault, I try to make an effort to talk to her in a stern but normal tone(IE not yelling, smart a** tone,.....) if I feel the urge to yell I leave the situation. 

There have been times she has yelled at me for something I did(usually has to do with driving, her life or any ones else was never in danger or there was no threat of property damage) then her brother turns around and does almost the same thing and she laughs. I called her out on this one, she sad" It's his personality to do things like that, and that I am held to different standards."

She never approves/supports any thing I want to do. Every time I buy/do any thing I have to fear she is going to yell at me for it. I don't feel like she appreciates me or the things I offer to the relationship. I always feel like "I'm just here" and some times because of my paycheck. She recently went to school(cosmetology 30hours a week at a trade school), and I let her quit her job "going to school and working part-time was too stressful. so I got to deal with 100%of our financial well being. Now that I want to go to school I have to go full time school(12 credit HRS) and work full time. I have told her that is unfair, but she says we can't live off her wages(she now works at a candle make place, not doing any thing she spent $20K and two years getting a license for.)

Well that's all I can think of at this time, as the conversations continue I will add more information/ answer question.

Thanks in advance for your help.


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## joshp689 (Jun 19, 2012)

bump any more advice??


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## bluelaser (May 26, 2012)

It seems quite obvious why your marriage is shaky although i doubt you will see it the same way.

Bottom line both of you got married too young. I don't think either of you were ready for this commitment. (thinking along the lines of what river1977 is saying)


For you - 



joshp689 said:


> -I don't mind doing things that "bend" laws and rules( do donuts in snow covered parking lots, go fishing in sections of local lakes after hours that have curfew.)
> 
> One of my friends wanted to fight( playing)/wrestle and started to throw empty(once had beer in them but we drank it all) at me and I blocked them with my arm/hand


This is the kind of stuff i did with my friends in college. Now that i am in my early 30s, i look back and think it was so juvenile. (So i'm going to assume you are in you early 20s) Women like their husbands to be mature and responsible, so they can look up to them. Any juvenile behavior can turn them off. That is why your wife gets upset when you do these things (same does not apply to her brother) 


For your wife -



joshp689 said:


> our bedroom floor is covered with her clothes, I had to move my dirty laundry basket in the hall way so my clothes won't get lost in her mess. She only does laundry when she runs out of clean clothes.
> She won't help with chores, she will fill the garbage can to the point stuff starts to fall out and then I end up taking it out. she will let the sink fill up to the point dishes start to over flow on to the counter, and yes I end doing them we even have a dishwasher. she will go out to eat and leave "the bag" sitting on the floor/couch foe a week. her car passenger seat is full of fast food bags it's parallel to the seat(no room for your feet).


She is not responsible enough for the chores you have to do when you get married. Its like she is expecting someone else to come and do housework for her. She is living like a messy room mate not a wife.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Is she depressed? Has she always been this way?


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I think you should give up. Did you mention if you had kids? If you havent definitely give up.


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## HiMaint57 (May 24, 2012)

I agree with Accept -- sounds like you two weren't ready for marriage or you're not suited for each other or both. From what you said, I can't see any reason to stay married.


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