# Gentlemen...Help me understand



## ravynne (Aug 6, 2010)

First off, let me apologize for the length in advance. My husband and I have been married 9 years, have 2 kids. He was very romantic, loving, affectionate and more when we were dating and first married. Of course, we've had our ups and downs sexually. Several months ago, he started a "friendship" with another woman. The friendship was broken off because I let him know in no uncertain terms that I was uncomfortable with it. I don't think it ever got physical, but it did wake me up and I tried really hard to show him more attention in the bedroom. 

Unfortunately, that led mostly to only him getting pleasure (oral). Now, he either demands or begs for that daily. There have been some sessions that weren't just that, but that's all he really wants. There's no affection, no hugging, no kissing - only "please me, please Me, please ME". Oh, and by the way, I should go ahead and play out all of HIS fantasies too. Never mind whether I have any of my own fantasies or would sometimes like to be treated better than a common prostitute. Not that that's a bad thing sometimes either, but not ALL the time. He doesn't understand why now I'm completely turned off to sex, even though I've told him that I need some satisfaction - physically and emotionally - to get in the mood too. 

He doesn't bother trying to romance me, doesn't help with house or yard work, barely helps with the kids. Sometimes I understand the no-help thing because he works 2 jobs. But, really, his second "job" is playing in a band on weekends. It's not so much a job as a hobby that he happens to get paid for, while I'm stuck with housework and the kids (btw, suddenly what I do is not a "real job" like he has during the week). He used to help out-at least a bare minimum-even while still playing in the band, but now he does nothing. I am also expected to listen to every detail of his day, but never get asked about mine.

The last time he showed any affection was when we happened to run into one of his old girlfriends and her family. Then all the kisses, hugs, sweet nothings came pouring out like he used to do. It was the one time I actually felt attracted to him again, even though I knew it was just to show off. To tell the truth, if I got that kind of attention more often without the prompt of an old girlfriend and felt I meant more than slave labor to him, he'd get his fantasies plus some. But he rather ignore me unless his needs are being met. It's like he has no concern about my happiness anymore, only his own. 

So, now we're stuck in a no-sex standoff because I'm tired of feeling used and taken for granted while getting nothing (emotional or physical) in return, and he's tired of asking for it all the time. I want sex too, but not like this. And he's the one that found a "friend". Shouldn't he be kissing MY a**? Guys, please help me understand what's going on here. Is he not in love with me anymore or just being selfish? What do I do? 

PS-Please don't try to say I'm withholding sex as a punishment. I'm not. I enjoy sex as much as anyone else. I'm just not turned on by someone who is only in it for themselves. Who wants to have sex with someone like that? It's an attraction thing, not a punishment thing.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

A couple of questions. Did your husband's disconnect come before, during or after the "friendship"? How long did it go on and how long ago did it end? Are you sure it's over?


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## ravynne (Aug 6, 2010)

The disconnect was on and off during the friendship, but mostly after. It lasted about 6 months, and ended about 3 months ago. As far as I know, it is over because I've found no other communications between them, but you know, that's never 100% verifiable unless I follow him around 24/7.

He also disconnected before when we were new parents and arguing over roles, helping, etc. But he seemed to turn around for awhile-helped more, was more affectionate. A couple of years later, he started this friendship. It all went downhill again.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

More than likely he was involved in an emotional affair and they can be devastating to a relationship. Most affairs begin because the wandering spouse feels they are missing something in the marriage. In an EA the WS may feel they have done nothing wrong because they haven't had sex with the other person. You were 100% correct to tell him the relationship needed to end but because you forced him to end it he resents you. If he felt the friendship was innocent then the resentment could manifest itself in not meeting your needs. Probably a sore subject but have you asked him about the friendship and if he is angry with you for forcing it to end? Also if the intimacy you seek ended near the timing of the EA I would suggest the two of you sit down and discuss what you need and want in the marriage. What was he might have been missing that drew him to TOW and what you are missing now. Look at it as an opportunity for the two of you to work together to improve the marriage from where it was.

For the record, my wife was involved in a very serious long term EA. It took her a month or so to get past her resentment of me for forcing her to end it and about 6 months to a year to get over him. We have recovered very well and are very happy in our marriage today.


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## ravynne (Aug 6, 2010)

He told me the friendship was innocent, but confided in one of our mutual friends that although nothing happened, there were innuendos. She is in the same business as him, so he told our mutual friend that he could discuss things with her that I just wouldn't understand. He doesn't know our mutual friend told me this. 

He was definitely angry when I made him cut it off. Didn't speak to me for 3 days. Supposedly because he felt betrayed that I didn't trust him and I was trying to control his life by not letting him have a new friend. I think it's because his flirtation was caught and it was actually an EA, like you said.

He will not discuss any of the details with me. He says he's finished the friendship like I requested and now I should just get over it. He doesn't want to hear or say anything else about it. 

Yes, I do feel like I'm being punished for his resentment. But, you know what - I'm resentful too! He brought that on himself.

So how do you pull your marriage out of that hole?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

ravynne said:


> Yes, I do feel like I'm being punished for his resentment. But, you know what - I'm resentful too! He brought that on himself.


I can certainly understand this sentiment but one of your first steps on moving past the EA is forgiveness. Part of forgiveness is to try and understand what he wants from you as his wife. What emotional needs, physical... I'd try and key in to find out what kinds of things he could talk to her about that you just don't understand. Can you work to better understand his business, take a more keen interest?? That is likely a major factor. You don't have to discuss the EA per se but try and understand what he wants.

A few things.

His resentment is a normal reaction.
Feeling untrusted is normal.
Feeling controlled is normal.

He doesn't accept that what he did was wrong or dangerous to the marriage. Maybe he never will but that's not as important as understanding what went wrong in the first place. It is key that you both discuss your needs with the other. Once those needs start to be met the bonds will become stronger. Don't look for a quick fix this will take time.


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## ravynne (Aug 6, 2010)

I've tried to understand his business, but much of it is technical, job-specific lingo that I won't ever get. So, yes, if he finds someone to talk to about business, I'm okay with that. I'm not okay with the flirtations. I'm also okay with just listening to him if he wants to discuss it, which I do often. I may not comprehend all of it, but I'll listen. I'm there everyday when he wants to discuss it. I also can't really discuss how the boss at Company A is a **hole, but his assistant is a super-duper gal since I don't know those people. That's the kind of things he and his "friend" would talk about.

I have also tried to fulfill his needs physically, hence the wake up call to pay more attention in the bedroom. I've also tried to be more romantically receptive, initiating snuggles and kisses. I get ignored or he takes it as an invitation for immediate, self-gratifying sex with no foreplay. (May be TMI, but that can be painful for a woman if she isn't aroused too)

It all boils down to me trying and trying to find the right combination to set things right, and him not bothering to try at all. He won't tell me any of his needs other than he wants more oral. Yeah!!! He wants more pleasure for only him! He's gotten his pleasure over and over and over again with little to no reciprocation for my wants or needs. I'm starting to wonder what's keeping me around if I get nothing out of the marriage and he gets everything?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

ravynne said:


> I've also tried to be more romantically receptive, initiating snuggles and kisses. I get ignored or he takes it as an invitation for immediate, self-gratifying sex with no foreplay.


He has not reconnected with you emotionally. Getting past TOW is part of the problem and that can take time. I would suggest you read The Five Love Languages by Chapman. If you could get him to read it even better. People have different things that tell them they are loved and it is not unusual for a couple to have different languages. My wife and I do. But I understand hers and she mine so we make sure we "talk" each others language. It is a great concept and can open some doors in better understanding each others needs.


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## willzy (Aug 4, 2010)

I think you have a problem that needs sorting out urgently. As you asked for opinions from 'gentlemen' I will be straight with you.

Oral sex is not about physical pleasure. It IS NOT more physically pleasurable than sex. But it can be more of a turn-on. It is based on some deep-rooted male instincts. It is about a role that you are playing for him. he prob gets a huge amt of the turn-on just from looking at you do it. 

As part of a varied sex-life its great for both of you.

But if it's all one-way and that's all he wants then it speaks volumes about how he sees you and what he wants from you. And that's not positive.

Men love to know that their partners are sexually adventerous. Maybe you can communicate what you want / need from him in a different way? Make it graphic and sexy and if he doesnt repond to that then you have some big issues to discuss

On the 'friend' front if it's been 3 months with no contact then that is a postive. It just sounds like you are in a rut where he thinks he deserves something for dealing with you asking him to stop that relationship. But what he's asking for from you is unreasonable and unhealthy to your roles as equal partners in a relationship. I wld say try to get him excited about what you want. If that fails I dont rly know what to suggest other than trying to make him understand why this is wrong.


GL


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## WadeWilson (Jul 4, 2010)

I feel if like he is just being an a** he had the EA you did not... But that won't help you any... My advice do not go on a full on strike tempt him tease him make him look at you with want because if you keep breaking your neck to please him he will never come to terms with "his" problem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dave321 (Aug 4, 2010)

You need to get help with this and not just the two of you.Take him to therapy.See where that goes.There needs to be time in this, the games that come from this can be bad.Get help.After some time if he doesn't come around then consider separation.Seek out help.


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## Willow (Jun 17, 2010)

I know you were looking for the guys perspective, but there are a few similarities with your and my situation so I wanted to add a girl's perspective too. 

The first thing I would ask you is whether you want your marriage, and if so are you prepared to fight for it, to put all you can into making it work? If you can say yes to both then you will succeed, but it will take time. 

Your h is still bruised from his EA, his feelings for you will be buried / slighted by the aftermath of it. That will go in time. Read up on here about what happens in EAs, how it feels when you've had one and ended it. Understanding where he is at - possibly more than he does- will help you. 

Take a good hard look at where your marriage was failing. This is not to say it was your fault but there is a reason he had an EA. Read 'His Needs Her Needs', and the Love languages book as recommended above. Work on what was missing. These books will also give you fuller understanding of your needs and that will help you with the feelings of resentment you have. 

Also work on you. Make sure you look great as much as you can, not for him for you. Confidence is sexy. Make sure he is aware that he is married to a strong, sexy woman.

My h goes through phases where he wants blow jobs predominantly and it was particularly true at the end of his EA, so your post resonated. I find that if I start off giving him a blow job and then switch to having sex - doing not asking - I can hold his attention to get what I want, even if we go back to oral sex to finish off. My h finds oral sex gives him the most intense orgasm, maybe that's the reason for your h's obsession too? Try and shift your perspective on these times, see it as a chance to promote your intimacy. Work on your technique, push your boundaries, get excited by his excitement. Look him in the eye as you are sucking him. If you find yourself too frustrated, could you introduce sex toys for you?Also work on the visual aspect, when you can make sure you are wearing some sexy lingerie or nightwear when you are giving him oral sex. Being on your knees in a skimpy bra and thong will push his excitement to a new level. 

I think you should push through this because I think it is a phase that is part of his 'healing' from his EA. Being a bit further ahead of the curve than you here I can tell you that having gone through the blow job phase and upping the excitement level doing it, has brought us back to a sex life that is hotter than anything we have ever had. 

Outwith all the above I know that you will personally be going through a huge amount of pain. It does get easier to deal with, and I have found that dealing with the problems in our marriage has made me learn and grow as a person far more than I could have thought possible. 

Good luck.


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