# I'm in a glass cage of emotion! Dreams, regrets, letting go.



## GuacaColey (Sep 19, 2017)

I don't know what I'm really wanting to ask. Maybe I'll figure it out as I go.

A few times a week I have a dream about STBXH. 

Last night I dreamt I was lying in this huge bed. And my head was resting on this mans chest. (You ladies know what I'm talking about... the little nook you rest your head where the guys arm meets his chest.) So in my dream I'm laying there and I feel so much love coming off this guy for me. I know in my heart that he's crazy about me. I can't see his face, only from the neck down. 

But I look at his arms and I realize it's not my STBXH, (he has tattoos all up his arms) and I start to panic, and then cry.

I know this probably means I'm no where near ready to date. Our D will be finalized 02/18. 

I think part of me regrets leaving... even though I did not really have much of a choice. Maybe if I did not leave our home we could've saved it. 

Here's my very first post here about it:

I'm Lost- Currently Separated

https://r.tapatalk.com/shareLink?sh...ge.com/showthread.php?p=18437874&share_type=t

Most days I feel happy and hopeful about the future. Some days I just feel crazy and like I will never find someone I love that much again. 


I work 2 jobs because I'm trying to get out of debt. My finances have gotten so much better since being separated. I have a pretty active social life and I try to go to church when I'm not working at job #2. I started going to the gym which is helping me feel more in control of my life. 

When will it get easier? Does anyone have any encouraging stories? Any tips on how I can get myself to emotionally move on from him better? 

It's been 23 weeks, I should be so over this by now, right? 



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## Hexagon (Jun 20, 2017)

Its been around 6 months for me as well. One thing that helps isn't staying so busy that I don't have time to feel, its sitting down and embracing those feelings. Feel it. Cry. Allow yourself to feel those things. Don't bury them because they will come back.....sometimes in worse forms. 
Don't know if that helps but it did for me.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You spent, what, a year and a half with this man. You spent many hours with him...
Now he is gone.

It is easy to remember the good times you had together.
The bad times are kept below the surface, our own protective mental health keeps them at bay.

Right now you are lonely. You miss having a man in your life.

Guess what... 

This shows you have a heart.
This shows you are capable of loving another. Holding a man close to your body and feeling complete.

The reason you and your husband clashed was chemical and personal.

Your chemistry was completely opposite of STBXH.
Your chemistry is likely rather normal. You want the best outcome for your loved ones. And you work towards that...
Maybe pushing a little to much!

On his personal behavior, his extreme independence, his lack of empathy makes him a bad candidate for any women.
Maybe a women who is his slave. Who does not talk back. Does everything at his beck and call.

You will be fine.

He will be alone until the soil takes him back. And that likely pleases him just dandy.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I have heard getting over an ex-spouse takes less time for most than getting over the death of a loved one. I know the death of a loved one can rock your world for years. 

And the advice to embrace the issue is good advice. You have to face your grief, to get through it. At least, that is how it worked for me.


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## GuacaColey (Sep 19, 2017)

Hexagon said:


> Its been around 6 months for me as well. One thing that helps isn't staying so busy that I don't have time to feel, its sitting down and embracing those feelings. Feel it. Cry. Allow yourself to feel those things. Don't bury them because they will come back.....sometimes in worse forms.
> 
> Don't know if that helps but it did for me.




Read your story. I can relate to some things. I also felt totally blindsided as my STBXH told me he "practically worshipped the ground I walked on" and that I was an "amazing wife" a week before we split and he did a total 180. Also relate to the desire to make sense of it all and feeling like your marriage was a lie. 

I like your idea for daily walks. It's cold as hell by me right now so I might have to hit up the treadmill inside but I find myself dreaming about the weather getting nicer and connecting with nature again. 

I am glad to read you are doing better! 


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## GuacaColey (Sep 19, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> You spent, what, a year and a half with this man. You spent many hours with him...
> Now he is gone.
> 
> It is easy to remember the good times you had together.
> ...




Wow, Sun. This is so profound. I would swear you actually know my STBXH. 

Weird thing is I had a chance encounter with someone who used to work with him and he said that my STBXH would often say "totally misogynistic things" and seemed like he stepped "out of 1952". He also said that my STBXH is a "total mess right now" and "must've been crazy to let you go" since I must've been the "best thing to ever happen to him". 

I thought hearing that stuff would make me feel better than it did. But I wanted to hear that stuff from him.

I need to face the fact I likely never will and move forward. 

You were right about what you said about me too. I do "push maybe a little too much" in the sense that I love deeply and give my heart deeply. I continued to try and try when it was evident he had checked out. 


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## GuacaColey (Sep 19, 2017)

WilliamM said:


> I have heard getting over an ex-spouse takes less time for most than getting over the death of a loved one. I know the death of a loved one can rock your world for years.
> 
> 
> 
> And the advice to embrace the issue is good advice. You have to face your grief, to get through it. At least, that is how it worked for me.




You know, I thought about this a bit. It's weird because I cried (at least a little) every day for 7 weeks. Then on the first day of the seventh week I decided I had cried enough tears to last a lifetime and I was just going to stop. 

Now it's like I can't really face this. 

I know it's over. I know our final divorce date is looming. But I can't face the total loss of all my hopes and dreams with him.

Something is blocking me from digging deep. 

Another strange thing is one distinct emotion I have felt through all this is shame. What a confusing emotion to feel. 

I didn't cheat on him. I tried my best to be a good wife. But yet when I think about him leaving me, our marriage ending... I feel shame coming off me in waves. 

The human brain is such an delicate thing. 



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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Perhaps not delicate. Convoluted?

Shame because you failed? It does not matter why you failed. Fault is not the issue. My wife thinks that makes perfect sense.

You will get over it. It will take time. 

Seven weeks is not enough time. No matter what you decide. Sorry about that.

One of the things that occurs to me when things like this come up is to wonder why we, humans, seem hard wired to need to be part of a "couple". Being single is so unacceptable. Our society is also structured to encourage people to be coupled. Being single is seen as a poor state, as though a waiting state. Ah well, how do we fight our biology?


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## GuacaColey (Sep 19, 2017)

GuacaColey said:


> I don't know what I'm really wanting to ask. Maybe I'll figure it out as I go.
> 
> A few times a week I have a dream about STBXH.
> 
> ...




Update:

Things got weird.

We are in the final stages of divorce. Turns out STBX missed a paper he needed to file so we were ordered to mediation. In order to avoid this, he picked up the correct paperwork and asked to meet me so we both could sign.

He came over and we talked for maybe half an hour, then I signed the paperwork and told him he could go since he had what he came for. He sat there for awhile and asked me if I was sure I didn’t want him in my life at all after this. I told him I just didn’t see how we could be friends because he hurt me very deeply, then went total NC on me and I felt like it was all really cruel.

He told me that our separation hasn’t been easy for him either. And then when I asked him why he wasn’t just honest with how he felt since I felt so alone, like I was the only one doing any grieving, he said “this is how I feel” and kissed me. He told me he loved me and has missed me and wants me in his life but just feels we can’t be married because we fought way too much. 

Yeah.

Well, I made some bad decisions as I realized he is my kryptonite and I am pretty helpless to his advances, we ended up having sex. A few times.

I told him I needed to get some sleep and to drive safe and when he wasn’t making any moves to go I asked him if he wanted to spend the night.

He eagerly said yes and held/kissed me all through the night.

So... I’m really confused at this point. On one hand I feel he just wanted sex or maybe wanted the papers signed, on the other I had signed them and told him he was free to leave. 

Then... things get crazier. I will simplify this part of the story and just tell you all that I saw him a few night later, and he basically allowed his friend (who has never liked me because he’s an open misogynist and a bit in love with my STBX in the most heterosexual way possible) to demean and disrespect me. When I asked him how he was allowing his friend to speak that way to me, he said “what you expect me to defend your honor?! *laughing*” I left when I saw I was not going to be heard or respected. Trust me when I say I have given this friend NO reason to not like me, he is just a strange bird. 

That for me was the final straw. I felt like I saw a glimpse of softening of my STBX’s heart and possible reconciliation, then that fire had smoldered as quickly as it began.

He’s dead to me now. 

Anyways... just felt like I should add to the saga. Divorce should be finalized February. 
Took me 6 months to finally see who my STBXH is.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Your gest bet is to advoid him at all costs!

Probably bragging how he shagged you one last time to his ******* friend.

Sorry.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Look at the bright side, the scenario played out to help you break that emotional bond because you realize he's still an a-hole, and you had some good sex to get you thru the dry spell coming up when you go thru the "one year" recovery after divorce phase.


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