# My story



## EAedX3 (Apr 28, 2014)

Hi guys and gals. 
So I am currently going through what most of you have been through or are going through at the moment. This is more or less a vent. 

Wife and I have been married for 10 years, were together for 5 years before that. We are both mid 30's, with a 4 year old daughter. 

Since our daughter's birth, we have had some more troubles than normal. Starting with postpartum depression, just a real rough patch. My wife has always had issues stemming from her childhood and preferential treatment that her brother received. Over the years, she developed anxiety that could have stemmed from her inability to discuss her issues. She was prescribed lexapro and has been on it for a very long time. I noticed a lot negative changes while she has been on it, mostly combative, paranoia, impulsive, etc. But her crippling anxiety attacks had ceased. So there was at least one benefit. She finally agreed to go to therapy in effort to sort out some of her issues, and at one point, brought me in to work on our own. My wife is very good at not allowing herself to look like the bad guy. So the therapist, naturally sided with her (it is her therapist after all), and basically told her that I am already checked out of the relationship. (Horribly irresponsible and way off base). Over the last few years, I was becoming increasingly frustrated as nothing seemed to be getting through to my wife, she had always seen things in a very skewed manner. Gestures towards her were basically ignored as they were not exactly as she had in mind. I ended up backing out of the therapy, as each session was just a rehash of the previous week's arguments and there was zero progression. 

Last month I found out why. Over the last three years, she has been emailing and texting (inappropriately, pics exchanged with 2 of 3 as per her) with 3 different individuals, 1 ex from another state, of which I caught the beginning stages, and kindly asked her to refrain from private contact with the guy, she said ok, I said that she could remain in contact publicly. Periodically I would ask if they have been in contact, always to have been told no. Yay trust. 

The other two were co-workers, one of which I had considered a friend, even went to his wedding which was only a few months before the inappropriate junk started. The other one, which I think was more of a pure emotional affair, did not involved pics, was claimed to be not as sexual in conversation, just more implied. 

Fortunately, I was trickle-truthed for a week and a half, so every bit of power I had on the first day of revelation, was quickly sucked out of me. Along with that, any bit of believing her on her word was sapped away as well. 

A lot of the way she has responded, is text book. Which scares the crap out of me, especially when reading similar situations. She is claiming that they were not physical, and more for attention. I hold out hope, but I would be crazy to believe her, I know. A few things of note, judging from conversations she has had with others, only one person knew of one of the situations, and in those conversations, she had mentioned that it was emotional and not physical. Again, she is good at not looking like the bad guy, so it's not like she would admit to a physical affair. 

Both of the coworkers have been contacted by me, both apologetic, both forthcoming with whatever was asked of them. Strangely enough, one of the coworkers was even going through her personal email because he was suspicious of her relationship with the other. I confronted him about that as well and he admitted to it immediately and explained his suspicions. They are also both married... pretty ironic that she would run from her 'bad' husband, to people who are acting like bad husbands. I have made it clear to them, that if there is any further contact with my wife, that their wives will be notified of their actions and that I would use their conversations with me as proof. So they know that I have that over them at least. I am not looking to destroy other marriages. 

I was able to pull a lot of conversations from her phone via a backup. I was also able to pull the messaging activity through verizon, which just shows numbers. But there is a ton of activity which has completely ceased since being caught. 

A lot of what worries me now, is that she didn't get closure (provided that it is not still going on via secret email accounts again). That these relationships didn't end "naturally", they were stopped by me, so there could be further resentment when the next bump in the road comes. 

I am hopeful that nothing physical actually took place... I love my wife dearly, always have. She was too busy being angry, and wanting what she saw everyone else with (yay social media), instead of being happy with what she had. At the very best, this will be a wake-up call to her, if not with me, at least somewhere down the road where she can be a better partner for someone else. 

Since this has happened, she has finally started researching the effects that lexapro has on people. And has been actively weening off of it. Could just be for show though, more of a 'see, look how much I am trying' kind of thing. 

She also finally seems to be starting to be remorseful. At first, it was clearly just regret, and not getting how to handle my feelings, would always try to explain how it is hard for her too. 

Unfortunately, I feel we are going to have to go the polygraph route. I do want to believe her, but why should I be so lucky that unlike most, these emotional affairs did not turn physical? Especially considering the duration and proximity. Her job is not that of private industry, civil service office type job. She is also a full time student. I never would have imagined that this could happen with her and due to her schedule, but I suppose lust just finds a way... heh. If I find out via polygraph that I have been further lied to (if ended up physical), our relationship will be over and I will be informing the wives as well. Part of me just _wants_ to believe her, and not go through with it, as I do not want the marriage to end, I want our lives together to be what they should have been all along. And the other part of me (using my head) knows that we will not be able to progress without knowing the truth. 

I hope what I have said is not misconstrued as making excuses for her, I am not. I understand (or felt I did at least) her to a degree. I get that she is human and that humans make mistakes. Although "mistakes" usually do not go on for this long.

Oh and to add... signs that I had missed, or didn't take seriously. There were points where she started exercising, a lot... would dress a bit sexier for work... perfume, etc. I would joke with her and ask if she had a boyfriend, she would always say (of course...) "no". Of course when compared to timelines, it all makes sense. There was also a time where she was routinely using her personal email account with me while I was at work, that ceased when she started using it with the first of the two co-workers. New underwear at times, nothing too sexy or out of the norm, could have either been to feel sexier, or to not be wearing older underwear in the event of it being physical. 

I currently have access to her work email, personal email, icloud backups from her phone (that I use teensafe to access). As for the accounts that she had used with her affairs, they have been deleted, by her. Which really means nothing positive other than that I can verify that they are in fact deleted. The one thing that they could have proven, or dis-proved, is that the affairs did not turn physical. So she either shot herself in the foot with that, or thought it would save her as I would not be see that it was in fact physical. 

I am aware that it's basically 50/50 at this point whether or not this was a physical affair. I guess that is why I am so conflicted.

If I am looking for anything, does anyone have a story where emotional affairs (especially long term ones) did not end up physical? Or where polygraphs either verified or disproved the story being told?

Thanks for taking the time to read.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Sorry you are hear.

You mentioned you have read the other stories on here.

That means you have some idea of what you have to do to bring about the closure.....for you. 

Keep in mind that you didn't destroy those other messages....the bad husbands did that all on their own.

Exposure will help with the closure and to help make sure it does not happen again. No guarantees, but exposing does make a big impact.

More seasoned vets will be here with better suggestions.

Remember, you might have added to the marriage issues, but your wife is 100% responsible for the cheating.


Good luck and keep strong.


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## EAedX3 (Apr 28, 2014)

Noble1 said:


> Sorry you are hear.
> 
> You mentioned you have read the other stories on here.
> 
> ...


Thanks buddy. I know that I am not responsible for this. Though at times it is difficult to not question what I could have done differently, (if anything due to her personal issues/blocks), I know to not blame myself. In my case, I am just regretful that it took this stuff to finally (at least it seems) to get through to her. 

As for exposure, I completely understand how it would be beneficial. Being that her job is political in nature, I fear repercussions that would effect her job. I explained to them my ultimatum regarding contact, and currently, I will leave their fate in their own hands. My wife has claimed responsibility for pushing the relationships to that point, so they're just 'idiots' that went along with it. Her morality is what I am presently concerned with, you know?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm not a bug fan a polygraphs, but just the threat of taking one might make her come clean, so I would follow through with it.

They way I see guys don't hang a round chick just for the emotional need they are getting.If there not getting laid well i'd imagine they would bail.

I mean think about it ...if the coworker was so worked up about the other coworked to go as far as hacking her email well it sound to me like they were boy friend and girl friend and we all know what goes along with that kind of relationship.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

if your going to dump your chick you better make sure she keeps her job or you will pay out the butt in the divorce.

Has your old lady looked for some counseling to figure out why she has such lack of boundries? Has she looked for some help in why she stepped out of her marriage to get the attention she wanted? Is she going to do the heavy lifting to understand and learn why she betrayed the one man that loved her the most?

Your old lady has a lot of work to do on her self to affair proof her marriage in the future!


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Couple things…
She does not need “closure” any more than a thief needs to return to the scene of the crime to make sure his victim’s insurance covered it so he doesn’t feel ‘as bad’. You actually look better if you are the wedge; Would you expect anything less if you had girlfriends, or would you expect your wife to let you spend some quality time with them so you could tell them ‘maybe some day if this marriage doesn’t work out’ Plan B hook? Cold turkey to get it out of the system so she doesn’t have that simulant and triggers to keep her thinking about them and keeping it fresh. Which brings me to ‘co-workers’. She still works there?

If so… run. They will go underground and chat during the day. At some point they will hook up. You simply can’t monitor her like that and she can’t be trusted around them (already proven). She has to quit or you will go insane and never be able to restore trust. It will poison your ability to reconnect.

You also need remorse; Not pining away for what she lost in them or what she got out of those relationships. She really needs to hate them and what they stand for; Cheating husbands who lack morality like herself. Otherwise, she’ll keep that romantic fantasy alive of forbidden love. And you get to play the role of the prison guard keeping her locked away from her true destiny. Poor princess… You need to see full remorse out of your wife. That basically means she’s got to hate who she became. That’s the only reason she’d change. She won’t change for you; People only change when they want those changes for themselves really bad.

Just EA’s. Multiples? Doubt it unless you caught it early. My wife had a couple of these. The only things that kept them EA’s: Distance and opportunity, something you don’t have. My WW has admitted she would have gone physical and was fully ramped up and excited about that possibility and trying to figure out how logistically it’d work.

On the flip side, mine had a gradual decay of boundaries. Sort of a slow escalation where she’d allow those relationship to go just a bit further each time. So, the ones that got physical fast were the guys who pushed for it hard and she’d already crossed over to the adultery is ‘ok’ lala land. The married ones didn’t because there was some fear of their own marriages; They moved slower and were more timid about it.

So what do you do? Distance is your friend and stop thinking about outcomes. Just be yourself and see how this new path starts before deciding where it should go. Right now you are still in that information gathering phase. Trust your gut. Does it feel like you have the complete story? Just observe and make choices based on ‘the now’, not what you hope, not what it should be, but just how it is. If you aren’t seeing true remorse, she’ll probably do it again and do a much better job of covering her tracks. 

Also sounds like she needs a new therapist. Never trust one who 3rd person diagnoses someone they haven’t ever talked to or gotten to know. The good ones also give you tools and homework rather than just sit there letting it be an argument week after week. They’ll continue to dig and push.

Sorry you are here….


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

"Being that her job is political in nature, I fear repercussions that would effect her job."

This tells me that you prefer money over your marriage.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Of course she never cheated on you physically. Or maybe she did?

STD tests will protect you in case she has, also a DNA check on your daughter would be useful, if only to indicate to your wife the damage she has caused to your trust.

Individual and couple's counselling will be very helpful, I feel.

Good luck.


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## EAedX3 (Apr 28, 2014)

the guy said:


> I'm not a bug fan a polygraphs, but just the threat of taking one might make her come clean, so I would follow through with it.
> 
> They way I see guys don't hang a round chick just for the emotional need they are getting.If there not getting laid well i'd imagine they would bail.
> 
> I mean think about it ...if the coworker was so worked up about the other coworked to go as far as hacking her email well it sound to me like they were boy friend and girl friend and we all know what goes along with that kind of relationship.


Completely aware and you are spot on with why I have my suspicions. It would defy logic if I actually believed her at face value. 

She originally said she would take one to prove. I mentioned it to her again yesterday because she is off from work for the next two days and I can track her search history on her phone if she is going to be looking up how to "beat" a polygraph. She seemed upset by the prospect of it, due to the embarrassment of having to take one, but did not protest. I also made it clear that if she did have any remorse and hopes of saving the marriage, it would be shown by her confessing before the polygraph as if I find out via a test, there is no shot of saving it.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Go the polygraph route.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

tom67 said:


> Go the polygraph route.


I'd do that too for a piece of mind. 50/50 isn't good, nor is relying on her (a liar) or the OM's (also liars) to know what really happened. She's already TT'd and is probably in damage control mode.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You ought to contact OMs' wives and let them know what has been going down. They may raid the phone or email and get back to you with bad news, i.e., your wife fvcked those guys or engaged in cybersex.

It is not uncommon for OM's wives to have known about the affairs and been angry about what they had learned. The moment you share, a lot of honey sweetness of the affair become sticky.

PA doesn't have to mean the end of your marriage, just the end of what you thought it was. You need real remorse.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> You ought to contact OMs' wives and let them know what has been going down. They may raid the phone or email and get back to you with bad news, i.e., your wife fvcked those guys or engaged in cybersex.
> 
> PA doesn't have to mean the end of your marriage, just the end of what you thought it was. You need real remorse.


:iagree:


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your poor wife, shes so embarrest...did any one ever tell her that bad behavior has consequences?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Poly is a good idea. You have the right idea w regard to checking her search history. But keep in mind that she may just be checking on the mechanics of how they work. 

If, however she's searching sites that advocate against polygraphs she may be looking for ammo for dissuading you from going that route. And of course the biggest red flag would be searches on how to trick the poly. 

Her use of an SSRI may be an aggravating factor. Keep that in mind. What type of counseling is she undergoing? Any reports from the counselor? That could be a source for you to check on - but you'd need her permission to get info from the counselor.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You are an enabler is some sense. You let her use these excuses for far too long that she got very good at it.. She was cheating on you while bashing you to MC. Time to open your eyes my friends.

Imagine doing the same to your wife. What would you need to feel about her to do the same ?

Her 2nd OM was snooping on her worried about her cheating on him with the OM1 ?? You cannot make some of this stuff up!! The rabbit hole goes much deeper my friend. Passing a lie detector test proves nothing. 

Would these details of her affair affect the jobs of both these OM ? I would try to use them as a leverage to find stuff about her affair. make her the enemy.


Th affair is very likely physical. Dressing up , one of the OM's stalking her mail(Hw did he know her password ?)...Signs of deep affair. What was the nature of texts with these guys ?

She could have lied to her friend about this being an a emotional affair. She might have ashamed.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Give her a hall pass of some sort. Right now she would take the risk of the poly and blame it on nerves if she fails.

Tell her that she has a certain time before thee poly that she can come clean about stuff you did not find about. 

Affairs with co-workers is one of the more easier ones.


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## EAedX3 (Apr 28, 2014)

walkonmars said:


> Poly is a good idea. You have the right idea w regard to checking her search history. But keep in mind that she may just be checking on the mechanics of how they work.
> 
> If, however she's searching sites that advocate against polygraphs she may be looking for ammo for dissuading you from going that route. And of course the biggest red flag would be searches on how to trick the poly.
> 
> Her use of an SSRI may be an aggravating factor. Keep that in mind. What type of counseling is she undergoing? Any reports from the counselor? That could be a source for you to check on - but you'd need her permission to get info from the counselor.


I am aware that she could be researching for general info, and that is ok. I am also aware of the anti poly sites that give info to beat them. 

She is going to a regular (?) therapist, she has claimed that she has since told her what happened and is trying to sort out her personal issues along with how she ended up straying from our marriage. I would absolutely be willing to go back to therapy with her once she gets herself in a better place. 






warlock07 said:


> You are an enabler is some sense. You let her use these excuses for far too long that she got very good at it.. She was cheating on you while bashing you to MC. Time to open your eyes my friends.
> 
> Imagine doing the same to your wife. What would you need to feel about her to do the same ?
> 
> ...


OM2 (jealous of OM3) got her password from when she used the same PW for her work email. And yeah, quite the rabbit hole. 

She wasn't actually making the excuses, to a degree I was making them for her (but would not say them to her), in an effort to understand what would allow her to put herself in that position. She had always insisted that I was the problem... and ultimately rationalized her own behavior. 

The friend that she told, was her SIL. Whom even after she confessed that she broke our marriage (did not get in to full details, but a strong contrast to how she usually presented difficulties), was still telling her (my wife) that she was sure that she wasn't fully responsible for our troubles. The SIL eventually ended up asking if it got physical, and my wife told her no (in private conversation via text). I do understand how embarrassment could play a part in her fully admitting what happened. 

She had told me that she masturbated at times during these conversations (w/OM1 and OM2, I did not ask about OM3 as I just assumed yes), so they were definitely physical in that sense. It's just a matter of whether it crossed over from the computer/phone to in person. So to a degree, there were releases for the pent up tension, could be a good thing... or not. 


-----


Replying to everyone would be a bit of a chore during work, but all of your replies are greatly appreciated, including the hard truth stuff. I do get it. Though it may seem that I do not. 

I will touch on a few things, currently at her job, she is in a fire-able position, in 2-3 weeks, she moves to a union-ed position where she will be secure. My motives of not wanting to cause her trouble at her job are not about money, as they are more about avoiding any further disruption within our family at the present time. I have asked then when in that position, that she request a transfer to a different location, and she said that she would request it. (though I do know that she could just say, "I tried and was denied")

As for DNA test, there is zero question that my daughter is mine. She looks almost exactly like me, especially when compared to baby pictures. That has never been a concern. 

She has expressed some remorse, hating herself for letting herself get out of control, for believing that I was something that I am not. Being embarrassed for who she was, to be that kind of wife, etc. Could all likely be damage control, I understand that. 

As for whether or not her therapist is a good one or not. I do not fully fault the therapist, my wife was not open with her. When I ended up going to therapy, the therapist witnessed a frustrated man, and put together her own assessment based off of what she saw in me vs what my wife told her. It completely matched my wife's narrative. She has since told the therapist what has happened. The therapist called her out on not doing her "homework" (things that she would tell her to try). 

Overall, the point is, anything could have happened... every imaginable scenario was/is completely possible, especially with her school schedule and the trust that I extended her. Never checked up on her, never questioned anything, if she wanted to go out with friends, it was never a problem.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

You do the DNA test for her to show her you don't believe a word she says. Read the book married mans sex life primer. You should consider telling the other guys wives. If it was the other way around you would want to know.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

OM1.
OM2.
OM3.

What's your place in her life, EAedX3?


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## EAedX3 (Apr 28, 2014)

Racer said:


> Couple things…
> She does not need “closure” any more than a thief needs to return to the scene of the crime to make sure his victim’s insurance covered it so he doesn’t feel ‘as bad’. You actually look better if you are the wedge; Would you expect anything less if you had girlfriends, or would you expect your wife to let you spend some quality time with them so you could tell them ‘maybe some day if this marriage doesn’t work out’ Plan B hook? Cold turkey to get it out of the system so she doesn’t have that simulant and triggers to keep her thinking about them and keeping it fresh. Which brings me to ‘co-workers’. She still works there?
> 
> If so… run. They will go underground and chat during the day. At some point they will hook up. You simply can’t monitor her like that and she can’t be trusted around them (already proven). She has to quit or you will go insane and never be able to restore trust. It will poison your ability to reconnect.
> ...



Racer, 
She has never mentioned needing closure, I was referring to my fear that there was none. In other words, the last two ended because she got caught. Not on her (or their) terms. In fact, she seems resentful towards them at this point in time (D day was march 10). 

Yes, she still currently works there. I explained a bit in my previous post. But I do understand. 

EA's. Yes. There were 3. 1 was an ex who lives in Florida (we live in LI, NY. And the two co-workers. OM1 and OM2 involved masturbation and pictures. As per her, they never pushed for it to go physical. OM3, while she claimed no where near as graphic conversation (again, more implied), would discuss scenarios as to where it could go physical. People were suspicious of their work relationship, someone informed his wife. She had questioned him about his and my wife's relationship in the past. So, that could be a good thing as a deterrent to ensure that it never got to that point. That or an incentive to be extra discreet. He has since changed positions within the company and no longer has a working relationship with my wife.

Both OM2 and OM3 are married. Her relationship with OM1 ended by him drifting away. 

I also explained the therapist bit in my previous post. 

I wholeheartedly appreciate your advice and sharing your experience with this stuff.


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## EAedX3 (Apr 28, 2014)

WhiteRaven said:


> OM1.
> OM2.
> OM3.
> 
> What's your place in her life, EAedX3?


Ridiculous, huh? That's what I am trying to figure out.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

WhiteRaven said:


> OM1.
> OM2.
> OM3.
> 
> What's your place in her life, EAedX3?


He is the beta provider sadly. JMO.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

OP how is the sex life is it 2 to 3 times a week?


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## EAedX3 (Apr 28, 2014)

tom67 said:


> You do the DNA test for her to show her you don't believe a word she says. Read the book married mans sex life primer. You should consider telling the other guys wives. If it was the other way around you would want to know.


I will consider informing their wives. Initially, when I told them I wouldn't, it was more of a catching flies with honey approach. But I do understand your point and I do not owe them (the OM's) anything.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

tom67 said:


> He is the beta provider sadly. JMO.


:iagree:


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## EAedX3 (Apr 28, 2014)

tom67 said:


> OP how is the sex life is it 2 to 3 times a week?


During the affairs? Things were pretty regular, par for the course so to speak. Times when she would reject advances, were always consistent as they were pre-affair(s). Currently, pretty much on my terms as she is trying to let me have my space. If I am withdrawn, she will not push for intimacy, but would likely not reject advances if I were to express interest. I have backed away on my own a bit over the last couple of weeks. 

I have seen you ask the same question in other threads, what are you hinting at? Over-compensation? Throwing me off the trail?

There were never times where she would go straight to the bathroom to wash up, or brush teeth or anything odd in that regard. Nor did she seem "showered" when she would arrive home from school.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The dna test is not about if the kid is your or not.

Its a tool to show your wife that there are consequences for her actions, and now that she has betrayed you, you now in a awful position to verify everything she tells you.

See its not about the kid it about showing your wife how bad her choices were and the consequences they have in not only taking a lie detector test but to also prove the father of her child.

It shows that her behavior is now in question and it will only be her actions that will make it or break it.

On a side note it funny how cheaters go after the same looking guys as the one they are married to...no wonder the kid looks like you...just saying thats all.

Again the DNA tells your wife there are consequences for her behavior and now the whole marriage is now question.

The polygraph, the DNA test, the lose of privacy, having to be accountable for here were about all the time....it all consequences for her bad choices.


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## EAedX3 (Apr 28, 2014)

tom67 said:


> He is the beta provider sadly. JMO.



Ouch. But point taken.


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## EAedX3 (Apr 28, 2014)

the guy said:


> The dna test is not about if the kid is your or not.
> 
> Its a tool to show your wife that there are consequences for her actions, and now that she has betrayed you, you now in a awful position to verify everything she tells you.
> 
> ...


Completely understood and I agree. I will do the dna testing.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

EAedX3 said:


> Completely understood and I agree. I will do the dna testing.


:smthumbup:
Without consequences bad behavior continues!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I believe that it is a moral imperative to inform the OMWs.

When people ask the 'why' and 'how could he/she?' of affairs, they always, always bring it down to selfishness. When a BS comes to TAM, however, more often than not the victim of this selfishness responds to the admonition to tell the OMW/OWH with a 'not my business' or 'don't want to destroy a marriage' reaction.

This is a reaction that I think is itself selfish. After all, if one of those wives knew this before you discovered it (and they may have...), wouldn't you want a heads-up?

You should tell the OMWs. It isn't your right to make decisions about what they should know about their own private lives, in my opinion.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> I believe that it is a moral imperative to inform the OMWs.
> 
> When people ask the 'why' and 'how could he/she?' of affairs, they always, always bring it down to selfishness. When a BS comes to TAM, however, more often than not the victim of this selfishness responds to the admonition to tell the OMW/OWH with a 'not my business' or 'don't want to destroy a marriage' reaction.
> 
> ...


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:



EAedX3 said:


> I will consider informing their wives. Initially, when I told them I wouldn't, it was more of a catching flies with honey approach. But I do understand your point and I do not owe them (the OM's) anything.


You got it. 

I presume you want the marriage to work? If so, exposure is critical for that endeavor, not just a moral thing to do. 

Don't have to be vindictive about it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

tom67 said:


> *You do the DNA test for her to show her you don't believe a word she says. *Read the book married mans sex life primer. You should consider telling the other guys wives. If it was the other way around you would want to know.


:iagree:

Exactly so.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

If you do go to counseling with her, go to one that is not so vested in her. 

Find one that is not in her corner. You need at least a neutral party, not one that she has been seeing for some time.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Get her to the polygraph test. If she gives you a hard time, tell her to close her eyes and masturbate and pretend that OM#1 and 2 are asking the questions.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

EAedX3 said:


> I will consider informing their wives. Initially, when I told them I wouldn't, it was more of a catching flies with honey approach. But I do understand your point and I do not owe them (the OM's) anything.


I can never understand why people don't inform the other spouses.

If I hadn't been informed I would never have known that there was a possible problem in my marriage all those years ago. Or I would have found out too late.

Being informed gave me the tools to fix the problem.

It is common courtesy, it (hopefully) stops them coming back for more when the dust has settled and not informing, in my opinion, enables affairs.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

> I have made it clear to them, that if there is any further contact with my wife, that their wives will be notified of their actions and that I would use their conversations with me as proof. So they know that I have that over them at least. I am not looking to destroy other marriages.



Its ironic that you'll keep the truth from their wives but want the truth from yours. Is it you destroying marriages or is it there actions with your wife destroying EVERYONE'S MARRIAGES??? Let the wives know the truth, why are you protecting the other men. Burn those bridges to increase the chances that is over. Tell the Wives.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

the guy said:


> if your going to dump your chick you better make sure she keeps her job or you will pay out the butt in the divorce.


This is just one of the many reasons why I don't support exposing affairs to the public, particularly the workplace. However, I agree that the other men's wives should know. 

And I guess I might be the only one here against the polygraph idea. It's a waste of money because if your wife passes it, you will always wonder if she used some trick to beat it. You will never be certain. Besides, polygraphs are for criminals. If you have to rely on that to save the marriage, then trust is already totally gone and it's better just to move on.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

First of all, you need the two books linked to below immediately. Download them, do not wait.

Your wife doesn't need closure. She still work with them. The affair, if not affairs have just gone underground. People in affairs cannot work together or see each other. Every time they see each other, its another arrow from cupids quiver.

You can see I have been here awhile by my post count. I cannot remember one thread where affair partners working together stopped the affair.

Get the poly. Check with local law enforcement to see who they use. There are bad polygraphers.

If you choose divorce, let her stay at her job. If you want to reconcile, she quits. No other choices. Period.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

She's a crappy wife who treated you horribly.

You should be talking to a lawyer, and letting her figure out what she needs to do to save her marriage to you.

You are doing this the other way around. And that will never work becuase she will be confused why you want her back, since she is a crappy wife who treated you horribly.


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## Lexigirl (Apr 25, 2014)

Unfortunately I have been in your same position with my husband. After extensive investigation I found the affairs was purely emotional and lasted a couple of years. However no less painful or damaging. The truth is I will never be absolutely sure nothing else happened. Perhaps this lack of certainty is more unnerving and leaves a lot to my own imagination. Would it really matter if it was indeed physical or is an affair an affair? There has been enough hurt between the two of us so I have chosen to let it all go. Forgiveness is the best I can do for both of us but mostly for myself as well as our future. Regret and remorse is key to this process. These are required for change and a new begining. As for his consequences, I think my complete lack of faith and trust in him is enough. Two wrongs don't make a right. So think twice before you do something you will regret.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

*Both of the coworkers have been contacted by me, both apologetic, both forthcoming with whatever was asked of them. Strangely enough, one of the coworkers was even going through her personal email because he was suspicious of her relationship with the other. I confronted him about that as well and he admitted to it immediately and explained his suspicions. They are also both married... pretty ironic that she would run from her 'bad' husband, to people who are acting like bad husbands. I have made it clear to them, that if there is any further contact with my wife, that their wives will be notified of their actions and that I would use their conversations with me as proof. So they know that I have that over them at least. I am not looking to destroy other marriages. *

Bad idea. Contact the OM's wife's without their knowledge nor your wife's. Explain to me how you would destroy their marriages? In my view of thinking they are the ones responsible for their actions, not you. And if you think if by having your wife stay in this work environment that things are cool, it would not take much to rekindle the flame as long as she stays employed there. Two OMs work there if I am correct, and one already had access to her personal email, I could not sleep at night if my wife stayed in this situation.


*A lot of what worries me now, is that she didn't get closure (provided that it is not still going on via secret email accounts again). That these relationships didn't end "naturally", they were stopped by me, so there could be further resentment when the next bump in the road comes. *

Explain to me how a cheating spouse ends a relationship naturally with OM. :scratchhead:


*I am hopeful that nothing physical actually took place... I love my wife dearly, always have. She was too busy being angry, and wanting what she saw everyone else with (yay social media), instead of being happy with what she had. At the very best, this will be a wake-up call to her, if not with me, at least somewhere down the road where she can be a better partner for someone else.*

WTH :scratchhead: How about being a better person with you, her husband!


As as a therapist myself, as you describe your wife's, her therapist sounds like an idiot.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

What's the story of her personality issues? Was she abused, spoiled etc.? What is her family like?


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Wait a second..

She has a sensitive political job which means discretion should be of the highest order.. and yet she has no problem banging all those men

Losing you was a risk worth taking for all that pleasure, not even risking her very lively hood was a deterrent, so what makes OP think a couple of therapy sessions will do any difference?

Especially since her husband finding out she banged three men is not a deal breaker.

Not exposing to me is rug sweeping of the highest order. What does she have to fear after this? Not losing her job, not losing her husband because he'll protect her come hell or high water.

Stop protecting her.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

BobSimmons said:


> She has a sensitive political job which means discretion should be of the highest order.. and yet she has no problem banging all those men


Bill Clinton's protege, eh?


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## EAedX3 (Apr 28, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> What's the story of her personality issues? Was she abused, spoiled etc.? What is her family like?


She was not abused, not spoiled. Tighter restrictions compared to her brother. They would come down harder on her for her mistakes than they would on her brother. I have witnessed it over the years. She was desperate for their attention/approval. She never felt she had a voice with them.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

JMO but, if she's still working w/ these guys, there's still something going on w/ at least one of them. Given the period of time that it went on (months?), along w/ their proximity, I'd also be high skeptical of any claim -- from any of them -- that there wasn't a physical component to either of the relationships.


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## EAedX3 (Apr 28, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> JMO but, if she's still working w/ these guys, there's still something going on w/ at least one of them. Given the period of time that it went on (months?), along w/ their proximity, I'd also be high skeptical of any claim -- from any of them -- that there wasn't a physical component to either of the relationships.


Definitely understood. She is going to request a transfer and we will take it from there.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

EAedX3 said:


> Definitely understood. She is going to request a transfer and we will take it from there.


I take it getting a new job is off the table...? Why?


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## EAedX3 (Apr 28, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> I take it getting a new job is off the table...? Why?


It's not, just trying to sort everything out still. I have put that out there though as possible next step.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

EAedX3 said:


> It's not, just trying to sort everything out still. I have put that out there though as possible next step.


Many of us have been here. The wind has been knocked out of our sails. Take a deep breath and try to gain some grounding. As I look back on what I did and did not do in 2010, when my wife had a very sexual online EA, that led to her having a PA with onother guy from 2011 till April 2013, I could kick myself in my arse.

Hang in there my friend, it is tough.


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## EAedX3 (Apr 28, 2014)

Thorburn said:


> Many of us have been here. The wind has been knocked out of our sails. Take a deep breath and try to gain some grounding. As I look back on what I did and did not do in 2010, when my wife had a very sexual online EA, that led to her having a PA with onother guy from 2011 till April 2013, I could kick myself in my arse.
> 
> Hang in there my friend, it is tough.



Thank you Thorburn. A lot of what has been said is obviously due to forum member's personal experiences, I do get it and it is all certainly a bitter pill to swallow. I do appreciate the examples shared and the angles that I didn't necessarily think of.

*edit - I just browsed some of your story, from the initial EA post to the PA discovery... I am sorry... that is awful. I really appreciate you responding to my situation.


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## EAedX3 (Apr 28, 2014)

So a bit of an update. 

I was able to confirm 100% via safari email cache files from her phone, that absolutely nothing physical has happened with OM3. From the looks of things, it was being discussed whether going physical was worth the risk. Obviously dangerously close. Certainly not out of the water yet. I know. 

I think the reality of the poly spooked her. I had informed her that I contacted two different people regarding scheduling an appt. The next day she gave up a few more things. Some ridiculously trivial... Before we were married, at a different place of employment, she would flirt with people, including one instance of sitting on someone's lap. I think she was afraid that that would pull up a deceptive result regarding physical contact on the poly. Some other things that came out is just a little more salt in the wound, but nothing like the other stuff. Once she got the remainder of stuff off of her chest, there was a visible change in how she responded to further questions, she seems more clearheaded, no "thinking" before answering questions, her eye contact is no longer suspicious. She is also still willing to take the poly and seems eager to do so if that is indeed what we are going to do. 

OM2 was presented with a choice/opportunity last night. I informed him that my wife would be going for a poly, and that if I found out through that method that both he and she lied to me about their affair going physical, that I would inform his wife of everything. If he wanted to spare his wife from being notified, that he would tell me on his own. He is sticking with nothing physical, and understood the options. Even explained that the only time that they were alone together was one time that they went to lunch. Which I already knew. 

As for the OM's wives, right now the leverage I have over the OM's is to my advantage. Once everything is in the clear, I will figure out how to notify them. 

She has requested her transfer, seemed to get a positive response to the idea. So hopefully that will go through. I explained to her that if the transfer does not go through, that she is to look for another job. She understood. 

I feel somewhat fortunate in the sense that I have read through the forums and I see how these usually end up. This is not to say that everything is "better" for me, or that there is still not a lot of work to be done and still a lot for me to process. Obviously she has a lot more that she needs to show and a lot of work to do on herself, but I too have my work cut out for me with the need to ensure that she feels that she is getting the attention from me that she needs. 

Hopefully, I will not have to make another thread. Thanks all for your input. A lot of what was said was extremely motivating, and helpful for me to sort out this mess a bit.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

There are way too many OMs for her. One is too many.

Something is not right. When is she going to counseling? 

Where are her boundaries? 

I hope you get something that if she cheats again ( or when) that you get a "nice" divorce. (there is no nice divorce)

Is she that attention seeking?


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## EAedX3 (Apr 28, 2014)

harrybrown said:


> There are way too many OMs for her. One is too many.
> 
> Something is not right. When is she going to counseling?
> 
> ...


I completely agree. Yes, it is way too many. And yes, apparently she is that in "need" of attention.

She has been going to therapy, but roadblocked herself by not being upfront with her therapist. She was more hellbent on rallying support so she felt "ok" with what she was up to and not wanting to appear as the bad guy. 

Provided that we make it through all of this messy stuff right now, if it were to come to this (I won't miss the signs next time) again, I will quietly file for divorce and just be done with it.


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