# Divorcing Spouse with Mental Issues



## .292705 (May 28, 2017)

My husband I dated off and on for about a year and a half before getting married. Our issues started with his alcoholism, once he was in recovery I thought things would be better but it turns out that wasn't even the biggest problem we'd have. His medical conditions include being bipolar, has anxiety, depression and a host of other issues that he's being treated for. I wasn't aware of the "non-clinical" problems that come with these diagnoses. The things that ultimately made me file for divorce are the (1) non stop lying, (2) failure to take responsibility for his actions and the things he said, and (3) his continuous need to be a victim (even if he created the problem he was somehow always the only person that was wronged). It was exhausting constantly defending myself for things I didn't do...and it was draining mentally and physically. I later researched and found that these things are pretty common - wish I'd did that BEFORE marrying this person.

We went to counselling but because he's "never wrong" he couldn't see his contribution to our problems and thus nothing could be resolved. We'd mutually agreed on divorce but now he's coming up with reasons to not sign the papers....its frustrating. No matter what agreements we come to he NEVER honors them so his credibility is non-existent.

Is anyone else going through anything similar?


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

My wife's heart is in the right place.

Many people lie because they want to get away with things. They don't care who they hurt. Or they don't care how much they hurt the people who love them the most. They just don't love people very much, I guess.

My wife has been diagnosed as a pathological liar. It is usually a symptom of some other psychological disorder. She has been through a lot of therapy, and several shrinks. They don't diagnose any other disorder, only the lying. In her case we treat it somewhat like being an alcoholic. And I am the one in control of her illness. She can only lie to me if I ask her questions or give her the chance to lie to me. So I control her illness by controlling her. We have many coping mechanisms in place so I know if she lies.

None of that helps you.

Because your husband does not care. He has other problems. He does not love you. 

Sad, but if he did, he would sometimes admit his faults, and fall apart at the seams. He would want to be treated, in my opinion.

Mary is a special little snowflake, and we put her through as much treatment as we thought she could take, and could use. She is at a place where she can cope with life now, and with the coping mechanisms we have in place we are both happy. But she wanted to get well, or as well as she has gotten.

At one point she described herself like that block game where you pull out blocks until the stack comes tumbling down. She is at the point where she might come tumbling down if we do anything more, and she is happy now, so we leave things as they are.

But she accepts responsibility for her illness, and recognizes she is sick. She accepts all the coping mechanisms we have in place which make it possible for us to be happy together.


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## .292705 (May 28, 2017)

I am happy for you that you were able to "manage" your wife's illness...and you're right about my husband. I thought we could find ways to work it out as well but I've learned that can't solve what you don't acknowledge and since he's in severe denial I had to ultimately do what was best for me. Loving him was not enough.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

Yes, you need to take care of yourself and do what's best. Loving him is not enough, he needs to take ownership and help himself as well. My spouse has anxiety and I find myself exhausted most of the time. I believe that him in denial is affecting me....


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Yes. You must accept he doesn't love you. That is probably because of other illnesses. His lying is likely the result of those other illnesses. 

The coping mechanisms we have in place for my wife are fairly severe. Some people would find them "extremely controlling". She finds them comforting. 

I might have relaxed some of them years ago, but she doesn't like it if I back off on them. She is afraid of her illness. She was diagnosed in 1980 and continued therapy for years afterwards. 

It is my opinion people like your husband are destined to be alone. They should be if they cannot recognize their illness and beg forgiveness and help in coping. I wouldn't have stayed married to an alcoholic if she kept drinking.


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## .292705 (May 28, 2017)

cc48kel said:


> Yes, you need to take care of yourself and do what's best. Loving him is not enough, he needs to take ownership and help himself as well. My spouse has anxiety and I find myself exhausted most of the time. I believe that him in denial is affecting me....


I know my husband's issues affected me. I suffered continuous headaches, I wasn't sleeping and I got sick a lot.


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## .292705 (May 28, 2017)

WilliamM said:


> Yes. You must accept he doesn't love you. That is probably because of other illnesses. His lying is likely the result of those other illnesses.
> 
> The coping mechanisms we have in place for my wife are fairly severe. Some people would find them "extremely controlling". She finds them comforting.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your words...


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

justsimplylisa said:


> My husband I dated off and on for about a year and a half before getting married. Our issues started with his alcoholism, once he was in recovery I thought things would be better but it turns out that wasn't even the biggest problem we'd have. His medical conditions include being bipolar, has anxiety, depression and a host of other issues that he's being treated for. I wasn't aware of the "non-clinical" problems that come with these diagnoses. The things that ultimately made me file for divorce are the (1) non stop lying, (2) failure to take responsibility for his actions and the things he said, and (3) his continuous need to be a victim (even if he created the problem he was somehow always the only person that was wronged). It was exhausting constantly defending myself for things I didn't do...and it was draining mentally and physically. I later researched and found that these things are pretty common - wish I'd did that BEFORE marrying this person.
> 
> We went to counselling but because he's "never wrong" he couldn't see his contribution to our problems and thus nothing could be resolved. We'd mutually agreed on divorce but now he's coming up with reasons to not sign the papers....its frustrating. No matter what agreements we come to he NEVER honors them so his credibility is non-existent.
> 
> Is anyone else going through anything similar?




Wow I'm so sorry! I have major depressive disorder anxiety and PTSD. I have caused problems in our marriage but I own my **** and fix things when I do wrong. I'm glad ur getting out because if he can't get help to be stable then He isn't worth it. I do everything I can to keep my symptoms at bay, but sometimes I cause an issue. He talks to me about it and I fix it. Is he perfect, no. Some things r his fault but placing the blame on u for everything is just saying to me he's not stable on meds or on the right meds and doesn't care to get himself treated with what he needs. Glad ur getting out. Life with us isn't easy but it's impossible if that person doesn't have proper treatment and own their ****. Oh and this will be all ur doing he never did anything u were the nasty one u did everything wrong and he just couldn't take u anymore. BE prepared that he may tell mutual friends and even ur family that. Run far far away and quick.


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## .292705 (May 28, 2017)

Remee81 said:


> Wow I'm so sorry! I have major depressive disorder anxiety and PTSD. I have caused problems in our marriage but I own my **** and fix things when I do wrong. I'm glad ur getting out because if he can't get help to be stable then He isn't worth it. I do everything I can to keep my symptoms at bay, but sometimes I cause an issue. He talks to me about it and I fix it. Is he perfect, no. Some things r his fault but placing the blame on u for everything is just saying to me he's not stable on meds or on the right meds and doesn't care to get himself treated with what he needs. Glad ur getting out. Life with us isn't easy but it's impossible if that person doesn't have proper treatment and own their ****. Oh and this will be all ur doing he never did anything u were the nasty one u did everything wrong and he just couldn't take u anymore. BE prepared that he may tell mutual friends and even ur family that. Run far far away and quick.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Thank you. Its encouraging to hear that it could have been doable...there were days I felt like I was losing my mind. The way you and your spouse are working through it. I don't believe I'm perfect either and I openly acknowledge my shortcomings but it's impossible for it to have been me EVERY time. And the blaming me has already started much to my dismay...but I expecting it...apparently I was mean to him and couldn't see things from him shoes as he puts it.

Now the part I left out was that I was supporting us so that he could go to school full time; so taking the constant put downs and accusations made it hard to keep my eye on "Team Us"


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

justsimplylisa said:


> Thank you. Its encouraging to hear that it could have been doable...there were days I felt like I was losing my mind. The way you and your spouse are working through it. I don't believe I'm perfect either and I openly acknowledge my shortcomings but it's impossible for it to have been me EVERY time. And the blaming me has already started much to my dismay...but I expecting it...apparently I was mean to him and couldn't see things from him shoes as he puts it.
> 
> 
> 
> Now the part I left out was that I was supporting us so that he could go to school full time; so taking the constant put downs and accusations made it hard to keep my eye on "Team Us"




 yeah sounds like there is no helping him. Most issues were probably his fault, drama is a bipolars friend unfortunately. Ignore the blame and make sure others see through his crap. They should already but u never know. The fact that u supported him through school is amazing, u deserve better! U r going to feel a huge weight lifted after this.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Alcoholism, chronic lying, blame-shifting, lack of accountability etc etc are all perfectly valid reasons to divorce. 

Noone should have to put up with that crap. 

You can't change him. The therapists, shrinks and counselors can't change him. You can't control his actions nor can you control the life you will have with him. 

The only life you can control and the only outcome you can affect is your own life. 

If you want a life of sanity and peace, you will have to create it on your own. 

If he shows up on your doorstep 5 years from now after intensive therapy and sobriety and has created a sane and responsible life for himself and he asks you out on a date, you can cross that bridge when you get to it and consider it like you would any other date offer.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

On paper I had a simple divorce, no kids and basic finances. She created an over 3 year battle out of it playing the "victim" for all she could. She was diagnosed with ptsd, major depressive syndrome and a couple of pd's.....all caused by me of course. I always found it ironic the longer she was away from me the worse her mental issues got. 

Getting a final agreement for divorce is near impossible depending on the severity of his problems. They will agree to bits and pieces one day only to reverse the next. They create new issues at every turn. You trying to negotiate with him only fuels his issues. Removing yourself from the negotiations and having a lawyer do it is probably the best strategy. He won't like it and it will be your fault and he will claim your trying to get everything he has to play the victim but that loses steam quickly as lawyers don't care about those things and a deal gets done.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I was married for over 20 years to a man like you describe, but he wasn't an alcoholic. I eventually hit a wall and couldn't take it anymore. I am divorced and remarried to a happy, successful person. It is wonderful to finally be with a true partner, to work toward mutual goals. My ex is not only the same, but even much worse without a wife to do everything for him. 

It was a horribly hard decision to make and divorce is very difficult on everyone involved. Leaving someone because of an illness (mental or otherwise) is hard on your mind and spirit because of the vows most of us take, "in sickness and in health." I tried to stay until our kids were all the way grown, but I didn't make it. It has been very hard on our youngest.

I hope you are able to find the solution that is right for you all, and that things go as good as possible.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

justsimplylisa said:


> His medical conditions include being bipolar.


Lisa, perhaps he is Bipolar. Yet, several of the behaviors you describe -- his failure to take responsibility for his actions, lack of impulse control, emotional instability, verbal abuse, and continuous need to be "The Victim" -- are some of the classic symptoms for BPD (Borderline PD). I mention this for two reasons. First, about half of males exhibiting Bipolar behavior in the past year also have co-occurring BPD. See Table 2 at 2008 Study in JCP.

Second, it is important you know the distinction between these two disorders because BPD typically is far more difficult to treat than Bipolar. Whereas Bipolar often can be treated quite successfully by simply swallowing a pill, BPD treatment takes years of intensive therapy and it is rare for a high functioning BPDer to remain in therapy long enough to make a real difference.



> He has anxiety, depression.... and alcoholism.


The 2008 study cited above found that, for men exhibiting full-blown BPD, 66% of them also suffer from an anxiety disorder, 61% also have a mood disorder such as bipolar or depression, and 71% also have an alcohol abuse disorder.



> He couldn't see his contribution to our problems and thus nothing could be resolved.


Patients usually are aware of having an illness when they have a "clinical" disorder such as bipolar. Of course, a bipolar sufferer may not be aware of having the disorder while he is experiencing a strong manic episode. Yet, because the strong mania likely occurs only once or twice a year, the person is self aware for the vast majority of time.

In contrast, nearly all of the people suffering from a personality disorder such as BPD are unaware that they have the disorder. This is why BPD is said to be "egosyntonic," i.e., is said to be in such complete harmony with the ego's desires and needs that the disorder is invisible to the BPDer. And this is why it is rare for a BPDer to seek therapy and stay in it long enough to make a real difference.



> No matter what agreements we come to he NEVER honors them so his credibility is non-existent.


If your H is a BPDer, it is worse than that. A BPDer not only will refuse to honor agreements but also will be absolutely convinced that he never made the agreement in the first place -- or, if you have a recording proving that he did, he will be absolutely convinced that he did so only because you were so insistent that he had no other choice. The result, as @*Honcho* states above, is that your H likely "will agree to bits and pieces one day only to reverse the next."

Like a young child, a BPDer's perception of your intentions, motivations, and agreements is almost fully dictated by whatever intense feeling he is experiencing AT THIS VERY MOMENT IN TIME. As soon as his intense feelings change, his perceptions of you will be colored and distorted by that new set of feelings.



> Is anyone else going through anything similar?


I have done so -- if your H actually is exhibiting strong BPD traits. I describe the major differences I've seen between the behaviors of a Bipolar-1 sufferer (my foster son) and a BPDer (my exW) at 12 Bipolar/BPD Differences. 

If most of those BPD symptoms sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs and my more detailed description of them at my posts in Maybe's Thread. If those descriptions ring many bells, I would be glad to join *Honcho *and the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, Lisa.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Sorry you are going through this.
My ex suffered from major recurrent depression with anxiety and paranoia disorders. Just before I told him I wanted a divorce he was threatening suicide. He was abusive and while I could get him to a psychiatrist, he refused marriage counseling. Like your spouse, he could not accept responsibility for his illness or his actions because to him, everything was someone elses fault. Part of that is the illness, itself. Its hard to accept you have an illness that impacts how you interact. The most you can do is offer them treatment, and then let them do the work, or not.

My ex did sign an agreement and that allowed me to actually divorce him. Of course, he hasn't lived up to anything under the agreement, and now, well, he's beyond enforcement process. At least the kids and I are in a better place. I wish the same for you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

He sounds like a narcissist. Honestly, I had severe depression and anxiety in the past but I never lied or blamed everyone else for my problems. Depression does NOT cause those things. We choose whether or not to lie.


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## .292705 (May 28, 2017)

Uptown and Honcho ... the information you provided was so accurate I couldn't believe someone understood so detailed what I'd been experiencing. I knew something else was going on with him but he would never want to discuss or consider it. As I read your responses tears welled up in my eyes because it bought back all the things I had been experiencing. The funny (not haha) thing is he kept saying I had Borderline PD...and that made no sense to me because I knew I wasn't even close.

In Texas there's a way to still get divorced even if he refuses to sign so I have contacted a lawyer. After all the reversals I knew I would be tied up for years if I didn't get help


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

justsimplylisa said:


> Uptown and Honcho ... the information you provided was so accurate I couldn't believe someone understood so detailed what I'd been experiencing. I knew something else was going on with him but he would never want to discuss or consider it. As I read your responses tears welled up in my eyes because it bought back all the things I had been experiencing. The funny (not haha) thing is he kept saying I had Borderline PD...and that made no sense to me because I knew I wasn't even close.
> 
> In Texas there's a way to still get divorced even if he refuses to sign so I have contacted a lawyer. After all the reversals I knew I would be tied up for years if I didn't get help


They often deflect and say your the one with issues as they don't believe it's themselves, it MUST be everyone else. Getting an accurate diagnosis often takes quite a long time and unless the patient has a true willingness to seek help it's often a futile exercise. They tend to bounce from therapist to therapist and the initial diagnosis will vary with each one. My ex blew thru too many counselors/therapists to count. She wasnt truly seeking help but using them to at first get sympathy and play the victim role then once they wanted to start doing "hard work" she would quit and bounce to the next...rinse and repeat.


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## .292705 (May 28, 2017)

honcho said:


> They often deflect and say your the one with issues as they don't believe it's themselves, it MUST be everyone else. Getting an accurate diagnosis often takes quite a long time and unless the patient has a true willingness to seek help it's often a futile exercise. They tend to bounce from therapist to therapist and the initial diagnosis will vary with each one. My ex blew thru too many counselors/therapists to count. She wasnt truly seeking help but using them to at first get sympathy and play the victim role then once they wanted to start doing "hard work" she would quit and bounce to the next...rinse and repeat.


That's him too. He's been to so many therapists I've lost count ... even prior to me. He prefers the female students from the local university because they sympathized with him and cater to his victimization. So I chose an actual professional male therapist and he didn't like it...and I knew it was because the guy was calling him on his stuff. And I used the word "deflection" so much it virtually became my mantra. I waited a very long time to get married and this is truly disappointing. I'm in therapy now to get over the guilt of leaving - sickness and in health and all that - and to work through the way he made me feel. Even though it didn't stem from me the constant tear downs was starting to take it's toll and I want to be healthy emotionally again.


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## Outside Again (Feb 1, 2016)

Yes, I'm going through something similar.

My soon ex-wife is bi-polar, says she has fibromyalgia and says her ex-boyfriend will kill her any day. But it's exactly as you say... they play the victim card about everything and everything you do is wrong and everything they go through is your fault. It's a no-win relationship with these people. And when they drink on top of it, it just becomes a nightmare. For me, it was like "gee I'd rather be dead then in this relationship". That's how bad it got to me. They make you crazy! I fell into a deep depression and got sick more often like you say you did.

Just get out and don't look back. My ex is making me wait the full year until I can file divorce. Because she wants to ride on my health insurance. I've got about 4.5 months left. We've had to live together the whole time because she won't find a job. I've been slowly gaining my sanity and happiness back and have making plans for "beyond the crazy one". Things can, and will be better


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Outside Again said:


> My soon ex-wife is bi-polar, says she has fibromyalgia and says her ex-boyfriend will kill her any day.... they play the victim card about everything and everything you do is wrong.


Outside, welcome back! As I discussed with you in my post a year ago, the behaviors you described then -- and the behaviors you are describing now -- are classic symptoms for BPD, not for Bipolar-2. The paranoia, blaming you for every misfortune, and always being "The Victim" are symptoms for BPD, not Bipolar-2.

Moreover, the fibromyalgia you mention here is strongly associated with BPD, not with Bipolar-2. A number of studies have found a strong association between BPD and chronic pain syndromes. A 2012 study, for example, reports that _"Since 1994, eight studies have explored the relationship between chronic pain syndromes and borderline personality disorder. In averaging the prevalence rates in these studies, 30 percent of participants with chronic pain harbor this Axis II disorder."_ See Innov in Clin Neuro, 2012. 

As to fibromyalgia specifically, a number of studies have found a strong relationship between it and BPD. See, e.g., Fibro and BPD - GH Psychiatry and Fibro Prevalence in BPD and Fibro and BPD -- AAPEL View. Anecdotally, I can report that my BPDer exW suffers from chronic fibromyalgia.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Explains my wife's mystery hand or leg pains. Nothing observable during a 20 mile bike ride but immediately apparent at bed time 😷😀


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Uptown said:


> Outside, welcome back! As I discussed with you in my post a year ago, the behaviors you described then -- and the behaviors you are describing now -- are classic symptoms for BPD, not for Bipolar-2. The paranoia, blaming you for every misfortune, and always being "The Victim" are symptoms for BPD, not Bipolar-2.
> 
> Moreover, the fibromyalgia you mention here is strongly associated with BPD, not with Bipolar-2. A number of studies have found a strong association between BPD and chronic pain syndromes. A 2012 study, for example, reports that _"Since 1994, eight studies have explored the relationship between chronic pain syndromes and borderline personality disorder. In averaging the prevalence rates in these studies, 30 percent of participants with chronic pain harbor this Axis II disorder."_ See Innov in Clin Neuro, 2012.
> 
> As to fibromyalgia specifically, a number of studies have found a strong relationship between it and BPD. See, e.g., Fibro and BPD - GH Psychiatry and Fibro Prevalence in BPD and Fibro and BPD -- AAPEL View. Anecdotally, I can report that my BPDer exW suffers from chronic fibromyalgia.


My crazy ex didn't have fibromyalgia that I know of but had chronic pain issues thru the second half of our marriage.

Outside don't be surprised if she starts to transfer the "trying to kill me" onto you as the divorce date gets closer. As my final got closer and closer my ex'ex's paranoia really ramped up to a new level of weird.


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## .292705 (May 28, 2017)

Uptown said:


> Outside, welcome back! As I discussed with you in my post a year ago, the behaviors you described then -- and the behaviors you are describing now -- are classic symptoms for BPD, not for Bipolar-2. The paranoia, blaming you for every misfortune, and always being "The Victim" are symptoms for BPD, not Bipolar-2.
> 
> Moreover, the fibromyalgia you mention here is strongly associated with BPD, not with Bipolar-2. A number of studies have found a strong association between BPD and chronic pain syndromes. A 2012 study, for example, reports that _"Since 1994, eight studies have explored the relationship between chronic pain syndromes and borderline personality disorder. In averaging the prevalence rates in these studies, 30 percent of participants with chronic pain harbor this Axis II disorder."_ See Innov in Clin Neuro, 2012.
> 
> As to fibromyalgia specifically, a number of studies have found a strong relationship between it and BPD. See, e.g., Fibro and BPD - GH Psychiatry and Fibro Prevalence in BPD and Fibro and BPD -- AAPEL View. Anecdotally, I can report that my BPDer exW suffers from chronic fibromyalgia.


It seems that not getting the BPD diagnosed is pretty common. How is that it's missed when the signs seem so clear? As a person that dealt with someone that suffers from it it seems pretty evident.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

justsimplylisa said:


> It seems that not getting the BPD diagnosed is pretty common. How is that it's missed when the signs seem so clear? As a person that dealt with someone that suffers from it it seems pretty evident.


People who suffer with bpd in many cases also have secondary issues such as depression, addiction problem etc. Often the first initial diagnosis is say depression as an example and treatment may start for that. Bpd generally takes a long time to get a proper diagnosis and usually the patient gets treated for say depression feels better and quits therapy.
@Uptown wrote this on other thread in the past regarding bpd diagnosis as therapists generally hate giving this diagnosis 

therapists generally are loath to tell HF-BPDer clients the name of their disorder -- primarily because the news could make her behavior worse, would like cause her to immediately terminate therapy, and would likely result in the insurance company refusing to cover the treatments.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

justsimplylisa said:


> It seems that not getting the BPD diagnosed is pretty common. How is that it's missed when the signs seem so clear?


Good question, Lisa. Psychologists and other therapists rarely see the high functioning BPDers who constitute the vast majority of BPDers (studies suggest 2/3 to 3/4 of BPDers are high functioning folks who almost never seek therapy). Even in those rare instances when the HF BPDers do seek therapy, the therapists may never witness the BPD traits. Because high functioning BPDers generally are excellent actors, it is a cakewalk for them to hide their BPD traits during a 50-minute session held once a week. It therefore may take a therapist three years to see the dysfunctional behaviors you see all week long -- and it is highly unlikely a BPDer will remain in therapy that long.

Moreover, in the unlikely event a HF BPDer does seek therapy and does reveal his dark side, a therapist is unlikely to tell anyone that the diagnosis is BPD. There are several reasons why therapists generally are loath to reveal this information -- the diagnosis name -- to the patient, his spouse, or the insurance company. 

*First,* because BPDers have fragile egos, giving him the name of his disorder almost certainly will result in his immediately quitting therapy. Hence, if the spouse is insistent on the BPDer remaining in therapy, a HF BPDer typically will replace the therapist as soon as she catches on to his act. My exW, for example, was treated by six different psychologists in 15 years.

*Second,* telling a HF BPDer the name of his disorder may cause his behavior to become WORSE, not better. Because BPDers have a fragile, unstable sense of who they are, they are often looking to other people for cues on how to behave. The danger of disclosing the disorder name, then, is that it will give the patient a new identity as "the BPDer." The result is that a patient who had been exhibiting 5 or 6 BPD traits may suddenly start exhibiting 8 or 9.

*Third,* therapists know that listing the diagnosis as "BPD" likely means insurance companies will refuse to cover it or will cover only a small portion. Although laws here in the States require them to cover mental health, they typically deny coverage and claim -- falsely -- that BPD treatments have not been proven effective. It therefore is common for the "diagnosis" to be listed, instead, as one of the co-occurring "clinical" disorders such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, or adult ADHD -- all of which are covered by insurance because they are not PDs. Therapists generally regard the PDs as _unbillable_ and the clinical disorders as _billable_.

*Well known practice.* This withholding of information is no secret inside the psychiatric community. It has been discussed in academic articles for decades. See, e.g., the classic 1992 Dartmouth Medical School article at The Beginning of Wisdom Is Never Calling a Patient a Borderline. Twenty years later, a forum of resident doctors discusses this very same issue at Do You Tell Your Borderline Patients about Their Diagnosis?

Also see the 2015 Minnesota study, BPD: The Frequency of Disclosure and the Choice to Disclose. That study interviewed 170 licensed therapists, 74% of which are psychologists. It finds that only 30% of them say that they _"always"_ tell BPDers their diagnosis -- and 31% say that they _"usually"_ tell them.

Further, this reluctance to disclose is no secret to the family-law attorneys. One law firm explains on its website why there is little chance of being able to use a BPD diagnosis in divorce proceedings. It explains, _"Often mental health care clinicians in completing their DSM list of differential diagnoses will 'defer' or simply leave an Axis II diagnostic impression blank, irrespective of whether a personality disorder exists.... __many psychotherapists are loathe to list Axis II personality disorders."_ See Do You Know Someone Like This: The BPD?


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## .292705 (May 28, 2017)

Wow that's remarkable. I'm literally speechless...because the fall out is that the partner's mental state is being tested because the HF BDPer isn't being treated for the 1 thing that could make life with that person bearable. And that definitely explains why my H has been in therapy literally his whole adult life (and he's 46 yo) and hasn't shown signs of improvement.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

justsimplylisa said:


> I'm literally speechless...because the fall out is that the partner's mental state is being tested because the HF BDPer isn't being treated for the 1 thing that could make life with that person bearable.


Lisa, if the therapist sees him long enough to spot strong BPD symptoms, she will treat him for that (to the best of her ability) but likely will not tell him the primary diagnosis (of BPD). My exW, for example, saw six different psychologists over 15 years. None of them told her about the BPD. The very last one, who treated her weekly for five years, would never tell her or me what the diagnosis was. Of course, I asked her numerous times and all she would say is "I don't use labels because I don't believe they are useful." 

After my exW had me arrested on a bogus charge and I got out of jail 3 days later, that psychologist persuaded me to see her one more time because she had important information to tell me. So I agreed and, during the meeting, learned only that she wanted me to pay for several hundred dollars my exW owed her. Because I was very angry about her withholding information from me about a wife that clearly was disordered, this psychologist reluctantly agreed to tell me what was wrong with her at my insistence. She would only say, "Your wife has a thought disorder."

Of course, that is exactly what personality disorders are. Hence, I had to pay for weekly sessions ($150 each) for five years to get that weak admission out of the psychiatrist, who still could not bring herself to say "BPD." Never mind that my exW exhibited all 9 traits at a strong and persistent level and had been sexually molested by her own father for years starting at about age 7.

This dispiriting experience with six psychologists is why I remind abused partners that the spouse's therapist is not their friend. They are ethically bound to protect the sick clients they are treating -- not the abused partners who likely are paying the bills. Hence, when BPD is a potential issue, it is as foolish to rely on your spouse's therapist for candid advice during a marriage as it is to rely on his lawyer for candid advice during a divorce. It is important to consult with a professional who is ethically bound to protect only YOUR best interests.


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