# Just about ready to give up....



## GoneGrey (Sep 15, 2013)

My wife maybe soon to be ex wife has been through a lot. I cheated on her with one of my co workers almost 8months ago. Our marriage was falling apart and at its low point. We stopped talking to each other and when I tried to talk to her or wanted her to listen to me, she always ignored me or tuned me down. Our sex life was dull and we haven't had sex in a year. She had two miscarriages and things at work was hectic. Long story short I told my wife about the affair because I felt guilty and couldn't stand to look at her. I went to counseling and she suggested I tell my wife. When I did it broke my heart. The look on her face said it all. She told me she hated me she never wants to see me again..Then she said that she had an affair too and our youngest child might not be mine. She stormed out and told me she hopes I die and rot in hell. She filed divorce papers and promised me I would never see our children again. Currently we are living in different homes. However I am still trying to work on our marriage. I gave her all of my passwords to all of my accounts. She has my bank statements calls and visits my job at random times. A few months ago we had sex. I thought she forgave me but it made it worse. After we were done she started crying,cussed me out, and told me she couldn't stand to look at me. She yelled at me to leave so I did. It made me feel horrible. She still wants to have sex but I refused and told her no. Then she accused me of cheating on her again and starts crying. I tried to console her but she tells me to leave and go away. She said some hateful things to me but it always makes me upset when she always brings up the affair. Currently we share custody of the kids but she always tries to use our kids to her advantage. She tells them daddy is a bad man and hurts mommy. She keeps telling hem daddy is a cheater and can't be trusted. When We have disagreements she always brings up the affair. It's like she is holding it over my head and uses it to her advantage. When she does that I feel bad and do whatever she wants me to do right away. Both of us are in counseling. However my wife only goes every once in a while. she said I'm the one with the problem nit her. But if my wife doesn't want to work on our marriage and keeps using guilt to get me to do the things she wants me to do, then maybe I will sign the divorce papers. I love my wife with all my heart. She gave me beautiful children, a nice home, and we have been together since college. We created a life together. We were each others first. I love her and my children. But if she wants out then maybe I should just let go. I'm confused on what to do. Can anyone please give me some advice? I usually don't talk about this kind of stuff with strangers but I will listen to any suggestions or advice you may have. I thought by now she would forgive me and move past this.


----------



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

She cheated and told you one of the kids may not be yours? Sign the papers. Both of you don't need to be married.


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Both cheated. You confessed. After your confession she says she too cheated and one of the kids might not be yours.

Good marriage this one!


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

I think the best thing you can do is avoid contact for awhile and see if the dust settles. If your marriage is like you say, I don't see much point in staying together. It ain't likely to get any better.
Her cheating may be true but I suspect it was more to take a poke at you. If by chance she did cheat, she really doesn't have grounds to complain. You may need to just put this thing out of its misery.


----------



## GoneGrey (Sep 15, 2013)

She said that that to hurt me. She said she would never do anything like that and I'm the only man she ever slept with. However I did do a DNA test to put my mind at ease and our youngest child is mine.


----------



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

GoneGrey said:


> She said that that to hurt me. She said she would never do anything like that and I'm the only man she ever slept with. However I did do a DNA test to put my mind at ease and our youngest child is mine.


If that is the case then you both need *patience* and to continue *counseling*. _Did you thinks she would just get over your affair?_ She sounds like she is in an incredible amount of pain. It is going to take years for her to go through the grieving and healing process. For her sake she should embrace counseling to help her through this. Good luck....


----------



## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

She did say that to hurt you, glad you proved it. Now do you still work with the co-worker? Did your relationship with the co-worker end and how did it end?


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Some times, maybe most of the time, cheating is the death of a marriage without any hope of return.

Maybe it is time to move on and finish the D and both of you to move on?


----------



## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Some times, *maybe most of the time, cheating is the death of a marriage without any hope of return.*
> 
> Maybe it is time to move on and finish the D and both of you to move on?


:iagree::iagree:


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

So, she said it to hurt you. Did it hurt you? If so, you must have some idea that 8 months is not long enough - not by a long shot - to get past the knowledge that the person who was supposed to be committed to you did the most intimate things with someone else.

She may never get over it.

You haven't said whether you are still working with this co-worker. If you want any chance at all to avoid divorce, you have to stop working with your AP.


----------



## GoneGrey (Sep 15, 2013)

Poohbear said:


> Whatever happens, I would be very concerned about what she is telling the children. I don't know what you can do if she doesn't want to go to counseling. Do you go together?


She said I'm the one with the problem not her. She does go sometimes, but then she says she hates me and walks out.


----------



## GoneGrey (Sep 15, 2013)

Calibre12 said:


> She did say that to hurt you, glad you proved it. Now do you still work with the co-worker? Did your relationship with the co-worker end and how did it end?


No. We don't work together anymore. I haven't talked to her in 8months. I did see her in the street one time but I walked past her and didn't say anything. It ended when I said to her it's over and she needs to stop calling and texting me. However she didn't stop and I blamed and cussed her out for breaking my family apart. I know the affair is my fault but she was getting on my nerves. She was very upset that I broke it off and thought my wife and I would divorce.However we are legally still married just not living together. I had to change my number four times because she wouldnt stop texting and calling. At first I did miss her because I missed having someone to talk to but I don't have those feelings anymore.


----------



## GoneGrey (Sep 15, 2013)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> :iagree::iagree:


But she keeps trying to have sex with me. But I keep turning her down which makes it worse


----------



## GoneGrey (Sep 15, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> So, she said it to hurt you. Did it hurt you? If so, you must have some idea that 8 months is not long enough - not by a long shot - to get past the knowledge that the person who was supposed to be committed to you did the most intimate things with someone else.
> 
> She may never get over it.
> 
> You haven't said whether you are still working with this co-worker. If you want any chance at all to avoid divorce, you have to stop working with your AP.


It did hurt me when she told me that. I couldn't understand how anyone could do that to another person. Getting pregnant by someone else while married. Then after all these years lying about it. I'm relieved that it wasn't true. And even if our youngest child wasn't mine I would still be her father. I'm not working with the OW anymore. I haven't seen or talked to her in a while. It's been 8months since I talked to her.


----------



## Carlchurchill (Jan 23, 2013)

Make love with her every time she wants it. When you reject a willing women you risk shutting that door forever!


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

GoneGrey said:


> She said that that to hurt me. She said she would never do anything like that and I'm the only man she ever slept with. However I did do a DNA test to put my mind at ease and our youngest child is mine.


How nice for you!

*But tell me, how are you going to make things right for your wife and the children who you cheated on?*

You didn't cheat on your children? Oh, yes you did. You cheated them out of a proper family.


----------



## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

GoneGrey said:


> It did hurt me when she told me that. I couldn't understand how anyone could do that to another person. Getting pregnant by someone else while married. Then after all these years lying about it. I'm relieved that it wasn't true. And even if our youngest child wasn't mine I would still be her father. I'm not working with the OW anymore. I haven't seen or talked to her in a while. It's been 8months since I talked to her.


You don't actually know that it wasn't true. You only know that the child turned out to be yours. She introduced the question. It may have been a slip out of anger that was later recounted, and maybe the reason your M was bad for so long before your A. When did the M go downhill?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Ovid said:


> You don't actually know that it wasn't true. You only know that the child turned out to be yours. She introduced the question. It may have been a slip out of anger that was later recounted, and maybe the reason your M was bad for so long before your A. When did the M go downhill?


How long did it take for you to get the DNA tests done from the moment she "confessed" to the moment your parentage was confirmed?


----------



## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Just to be clear. You have no excuse for cheating. I'm not giving you that. I just know that the usual response isn't "I cheated too"


----------



## GoneGrey (Sep 15, 2013)

Carlchurchill said:


> Make love with her every time she wants it. When you reject a willing women you risk shutting that door forever!


The last time we had sex after it was over she broke down crying telling me how much I hurt her, cussed me out and told me to leave so I did. I turn her down because I think I'm doing more damage.


----------



## GoneGrey (Sep 15, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> How nice for you!
> 
> *But tell me, how are you going to make things right for your wife and the children who you cheated on?*
> 
> You didn't cheat on your children? Oh, yes you did. You cheated them out of a proper family.


I'm have her all my passwords, laptop, cellphone codes, I pick up the kids from school, I cook for them even if they don't eat it, I go to counseling even if she doesn't. She has a extra key to my car, office and apartment. So she can come in anytime she wants. I attend recitals and soccer tournaments, parent conferences, etc. I'm trying to make things right.


----------



## GoneGrey (Sep 15, 2013)

Ovid said:


> You don't actually know that it wasn't true. You only know that the child turned out to be yours. She introduced the question. It may have been a slip out of anger that was later recounted, and maybe the reason your M was bad for so long before your A. When did the M go downhill?


She said she wanted me to feel pain like she did. So that's why she said it. Our M was downhill two year ago. My wife suffered two miscarriages, things at work was hectic, we didn't sleep in the same bed, she was dealing with her sexual abuse past,we haven't had sex in year, then on top of that our daughter had major medical problems. She had to have surgery and now she might have aspergers syndrome.


----------



## GoneGrey (Sep 15, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> How long did it take for you to get the DNA tests done from the moment she "confessed" to the moment your parentage was confirmed?


About a week. She was hurt that I would think that, but I told her it would put my mind at ease.


----------



## poppoppop (Aug 16, 2013)

GoneGrey said:


> I'm have her all my passwords, laptop, cellphone codes, I pick up the kids from school, I cook for them even if they don't eat it, I go to counseling even if she doesn't. She has a extra key to my car, office and apartment. So she can come in anytime she wants. I attend recitals and soccer tournaments, parent conferences, etc. I'm trying to make things right.


I'm not trying to be a jerk here, but honestly this is all stuff you should be doing anyway as a father and as a husband who cheated on his wife. Your wife is lashing out because she has so much anger. She does need counseling and you need a TON of patience with her. Think about her perspective. She is so much pain. You seriously wronged her and you need to stop having the attitude that you should get credit for being a father to your kids or for being open with her. That's all stuff you need to be doing anyway. 

Apologize often even when you don't think you need to. She may even seem mad when you apologize, but each time you do it, she's going to feel a little better about you.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If she wants sex do it. If she cries just hold her and apologize. Do as she asks in this regard. That doesnt mean you become a door mat. Get the books linked to below.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

You know Gone Grey you are getting some good advice.

And even though you cheated it takes two to fix a marriage.

So you are a good father. You should be. Now start being a good husband.

And just maybe you can start being a good man.

Do not give up on your marriage just yet.

If you really want it then keep telling your wife as well as showing her.

And if she does divorce you continue to show her that you still love her.

HM64


----------



## GoneGrey (Sep 15, 2013)

poppoppop said:


> I'm not trying to be a jerk here, but honestly this is all stuff you should be doing anyway as a father and as a husband who cheated on his wife. Your wife is lashing out because she has so much anger. She does need counseling and you need a TON of patience with her. Think about her perspective. She is so much pain. You seriously wronged her and you need to stop having the attitude that you should get credit for being a father to your kids or for being open with her. That's all stuff you need to be doing anyway.
> 
> Apologize often even when you don't think you need to. She may even seem mad when you apologize, but each time you do it, she's going to feel a little better about you.


I don't know what else to do. I try talking to her and communicating with her. She shuts me down. I do apologize every chance I get. She says she hates when I say I'm sorry because if I was really sorry I wouldn't have done this to her. I don't want credit I just want to comfort her and forgive me. I know it it be hard but I don't know what more I can do.


----------



## GoneGrey (Sep 15, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> If she wants sex do it. If she cries just hold her and apologize. Do as she asks in this regard. That doesnt mean you become a door mat. Get the books linked to below.


Thanks for the links. I'm just afraid I'm doing more harm than good. I want to have sex with her but I don't want to do it if all I'm doing is adding more pain.


----------



## GoneGrey (Sep 15, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> You know Gone Grey you are getting some good advice.
> 
> And even though you cheated it takes two to fix a marriage.
> 
> ...


I don't want to give up on my marriage. I want to fix it. I know it will be a long journey but I'm willing to do whatever it takes to put my family back together. Right now my wife hates me. She is starting to turn our children against me.  I know I caused her pain. I wish I could go back and do things differently but I can't. I'm trying my hardest to get her to love me again. I don't know if she wants me anymore.


----------



## 4myson (Jul 17, 2013)

poppoppop said:


> Apologize often even when you don't think you need to. She may even seem mad when you apologize, but each time you do it, she's going to feel a little better about you.


This is so true. My WH gets frustrated and asked how many times can he apologize. I told him never too many. It's been a year in R and when he knows I've triggered he will say sorry and tell me he will never do anything that stupid again. Hard to trust him still but every time he says it it helps a little.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

GoneGrey said:


> Thanks for the links. I'm just afraid I'm doing more harm than good. I want to have sex with her but I don't want to do it if all I'm doing is adding more pain.


By refusing her sex you are reinforcing her notion that you do not want her because you have someone else. She doesn't think like you do, she is not a man. Simply put, your only chance is to do as she asks and hope it will be enough. People do not get over infidelity in wks or mos but years. It is as bad or worse than the death of a close family member.


----------



## 4myson (Jul 17, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> By refusing her sex you are reinforcing her notion that you do not want her because you have someone else.


Every time my WH comes home from work too tired, logically I know he works a hard job so he is probably too tired, but the over sensitive emotional mess I can become since DDay goes into panic mode because of all the times he turned me down during his A.


----------



## 4myson (Jul 17, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> If she wants sex do it. If she cries just hold her and apologize.


I think this is good advice, as a betrayed woman. This is what I'm still trying to get my WH to realize. I don't cry after sex, but I do when I get triggered. He thinks I need to be alone when I cry, but what I really want is for him to hold me and apologize, again. I think really he doesn't like to see the manifestation of the pain he caused me, because of the pain that causes him. Or maybe he would just rather be left alone if it was him. Men and women definitely do think differently.


----------



## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

GoneGrey said:


> It did hurt me when she told me that. I couldn't understand how anyone could do that to another person. Getting pregnant by someone else while married. Then after all these years lying about it. I'm relieved that it wasn't true. And even if our youngest child wasn't mine I would still be her father. I'm not working with the OW anymore. I haven't seen or talked to her in a while. It's been 8months since I talked to her.


Your disbelief about your wife's lie - multiply that by 100 to gain an understanding of how she feels, if you truly care. I do not hear true remorse, I hear you condemning your wife and being annoyed with her. Your efforts are half-ass. File a restraining order against the homewrecking freak, changing your number 4times is a testimony to her mental instability, which btw has nothing to do with how attractive or sexy you "are". Rather you are the host she decided to be a desperate leech or tick on because you allowed it. Also evidence that she lacks boundaries and every man she sees is a "potential" host. This is the mistake many attached men make, they believe the attention from the OW is exclusive therefore genuine when it in actuality it is a generalized "One size fits all" motto. They yield to the "flattery" of it all and so did Julius Caesar. 

Allow your wife in, show her the leech's messages/conduct that required you to change your number 4 times. Believe me, it will help build trust again and only a "woman/wife/mother" knows exactly how to eradicate the other woman.


----------



## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

... At first I did miss her because I missed having someone to talk to but I don't have those feelings anymore.[/QUOTE]

BTW, how did you deal with missing her and what did you do to kill those feelings?


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Chaparral said:


> If she wants sex do it. If she cries just hold her and apologize. Do as she asks in this regard. That doesnt mean you become a door mat. Get the books linked to below.


I was going to say the same thing. I triggered during sex In May right after my wife came clean and I decided to give R a chance. Your wife has mind movies and it is about sex. Sex will trigger her responses but it can also bring healing down the road. Not easy working through it.


----------



## GoneGrey (Sep 15, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> By refusing her sex you are reinforcing her notion that you do not want her because you have someone else. She doesn't think like you do, she is not a man. Simply put, your only chance is to do as she asks and hope it will be enough. People do not get over infidelity in wks or mos but years. It is as bad or worse than the death of a close family member.


Thanks for the advice. I didn't think I was hurting her even more when I turn her down.


----------



## GoneGrey (Sep 15, 2013)

4myson said:


> This is so true. My WH gets frustrated and asked how many times can he apologize. I told him never too many. It's been a year in R and when he knows I've triggered he will say sorry and tell me he will never do anything that stupid again. Hard to trust him still but every time he says it it helps a little.


I say I'm sorry every single time I see or talk to my wife. She tells she she hates that word but I keep saying it to her


----------



## GoneGrey (Sep 15, 2013)

4myson said:


> I think this is good advice, as a betrayed woman. This is what I'm still trying to get my WH to realize. I don't cry after sex, but I do when I get triggered. He thinks I need to be alone when I cry, but what I really want is for him to hold me and apologize, again. I think really he doesn't like to see the manifestation of the pain he caused me, because of the pain that causes him. Or maybe he would just rather be left alone if it was him. Men and women definitely do think differently.


 Thank You for the advice. I didn't know this is what my wife might be thinking.


----------



## GoneGrey (Sep 15, 2013)

Calibre12 said:


> Your disbelief about your wife's lie - multiply that by 100 to gain an understanding of how she feels, if you truly care. I do not hear true remorse, I hear you condemning your wife and being annoyed with her. Your efforts are half-ass. File a restraining order against the homewrecking freak, changing your number 4times is a testimony to her mental instability, which btw has nothing to do with how attractive or sexy you "are". Rather you are the host she decided to be a desperate leech or tick on because you allowed it. Also evidence that she lacks boundaries and every man she sees is a "potential" host. This is the mistake many attached men make, they believe the attention from the OW is exclusive therefore genuine when it in actuality it is a generalized "One size fits all" motto. They yield to the "flattery" of it all and so did Julius Caesar.
> 
> Allow your wife in, show her the leech's messages/conduct that required you to change your number 4 times. Believe me, it will help build trust again and only a "woman/wife/mother" knows exactly how to eradicate the other woman.


THE OW was very upset and angry at me that I told her it was over. I cut off all contact both personal and business with her. She thought we were a couple and was going to be together. She kept calling and leaving messages. She told me my wife doesn't deserve a man like me and it wasn't fair that my wife could treat me like trash and I would still go back to her. She said I was blind and told me when was I divorcing m wife. My wife knows I change my number. She suggested that I change it. The OW was in a relationship and she was my business partner. The messages and calling has stop now. It's been a few months since she stop.


----------



## GoneGrey (Sep 15, 2013)

Calibre12 said:


> ... At first I did miss her because I missed having someone to talk to but I don't have those feelings anymore.


BTW, how did you deal with missing her and what did you do to kill those feelings?[/QUOTE]
Honestly it was hard at first. I did miss someone to talk to. I was depressed for a couple of weeks after it happened. My therapist helped me get through these feelings. She said it was normal. She said I should find things to take my mind off of it. So I joined a gym and started working out. I also took up swimming and tennis. It was a huge stress reliever. Eventually those feelings surpassed.


----------



## GoneGrey (Sep 15, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> I was going to say the same thing. I triggered during sex In May right after my wife came clean and I decided to give R a chance. Your wife has mind movies and it is about sex. Sex will trigger her responses but it can also bring healing down the road. Not easy working through it.



So matter what I do I will still be causing her more pain. I love my wife. I want to have sex with her. To be honest I feel used. We don't kiss or cuddle after sex. We don't sit in bed and talk. We just have sex.


----------

