# Think my husband is narcisstic; I need guidance please



## musiclover (Apr 26, 2017)

Hi,
I've been reading the forums here for a bit, I'm really glad I found this site. 

Anyway, we've been married 20 years and have two boys, 18 and 14. I have been at a loss lately, so I started googling some of the weird traits my husband has and I have come to the conclusion that he has some traits of narcissism. He tries like hell to control me, can get jealous over me giving anyone else attention, and gets upset over the tiniest hint of criticism. He goes thru these rage episodes over trivial things, and this is where I'm starting to get scared and nervous.

The rages happen every 3 to 4 months. The last one was Friday. I met him out after work and we were having a good time with some friends. Anyways after a bit my husband decides he wants to go home. Ok fine let me finish my drink and ill be home a few minutes after you. Well he got home and called me but I didn't answer because I didn't hear the phone and even if I did I don't talk on the phone while driving. 

So I walk in the door he asks why I didn't answer phone. He called at 953, I was in the house at 956. For the next half hour I listened to him how I don't respect him, I'm an ungrateful witch, he was having the phone company shut me off since I don't call him, on and on. Then he goes off on every wrong i have ever done in his mind. The only way I can get him to stop arguing with me is if I completely ignore him and go to bed. 

That was a middle type of experience to me; I've dealt with worse in the past. He has flipped out on me for talking to men even though he was standing right there, accused me of texting random men when i was texting my son, on and on it goes. The smallest infraction can set him off like a madman. I am at this crossroads right now; he can be a loving husband but these incidents are getting old with me. I used to cry and try to figure out what happened to make him like this. Now I've gotten to the point where I don't get upset, I'm just getting mad. I asked him previously to go to marriage counseling, you would have thought I told him to check into a nuthouse. So that's out of the question.

Guess I'm just trying to figure out what to do. We've been together 20 years I hate to throw it all away. Other hand, he seems to me like its getting worse. Almost like he holds in the rage because he's afraid I'm going to leave. After the Friday incident he will be on good behavior for a maybe 3 months. Then bam out of nowhere this crap starts again. 

I don't know where to turn; I really can't afford counseling for myself. Not sure if I should put up with this, hey it's not daily right? I don't know my head is just spinning over here. 

Any advice would be appreciated
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## beautiful_seclusion (Oct 22, 2013)

My husband is like this; I've left because of it. I really have no advice as I couldn't imagine how being married 20 years and having to leave would be. But it's certainly not right and it is scary as they get more and more out of control. You could also tell him you are leaving if he won't get counseling. He may change his tune when he realizes there are consequences for his behavior.


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## HangingOnHope (Oct 26, 2013)

First, I'm sorry you're having to endure these painful outbursts, having to run & hide within your own home. It might not be daily, as you say, but this is no way to live. Always waiting for the next episode? Perhaps walking on eggshells?

Have you ever heard of Intermittent Explosive Disorder? Perhaps read up a bit on that & see if that doesn't also sound familiar of his behavior.

He needs help. But you need to be safe. Has it ever escalated to physical violence, either against you or inanimate objects?


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## musiclover (Apr 26, 2017)

Thanks for the replies.

He won't go to counseling, he says I need help not him. 

The other disorder, I'm going to read up on that tomorrow. He'll be home from work soon, don't want to start looking into it with him here.

A little over a year ago he did get physical with me. Pulled me out of my car (he broke the seatbelt doing that) and grabbed me by my arms and pushed me against the car. I had hand marks as bruises the next day.,,I told him the next day if he ever touched me again I was filing for divorce the minute after I had him arrested. 

A part of me says he won't do it again, then another part of me says he did it once he can do it again. 
I feel so empty tonight. After thinking of this nonsense it is bringing me down
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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

That doesn't sound like narcissism to me. Major trust issues with you though. Had he been cheated on prior to your marriage? He is clearly worried about you with another man even if you've given him zero reason to believe that.


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## musiclover (Apr 26, 2017)

I think it's all about control with him. He calls, I better answer. He wants to go home I better leave the second he does. I went to a book fair thingie with my friends he text me that it was an awful long book fair. I invited him to go, he didn't want to so sit home and sulk. He had a rage once when the company I worked for had a get together. My husband and I both went, I ran into a coworker that I've worked with for 25 years. The guy was in a bad car accident and this was his first time out in 3 months. So I walked over with my husband, told my coworker I was glad he was feeling better and gave him a hug. A couple of weeks later my husband went into a rage over that. Not that night, not talk about it the next day, two weeks later out of nowhere. Said I was hanging all over him. 

Stuff like that he does. Not all the time, just whenever his 3 month good time is over. Since he knows I am still ticked about Friday he is going out of his way to be nice. Making dinner when he gets home. The man helps with me with hardly nothing, now he's making dinner. I can't figure him out.
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## beautiful_seclusion (Oct 22, 2013)

He's just doing whatever will get him what he wants. He's nice when he's in danger of losing you and then reverts to his old ways when he thinks there are no longer consequences. I personally don't know how you could fix this other than leaving or counseling. I know you say he won't do counseling, but you could give him an ultimatum. Either you leave or marital counseling. You can tell him it's not for him alone but for both of you, even though he is the problem. That's how most marriage counseling works anyway. And really, if he's not willing to even try counseling when it means losing you, is it really worth staying? Only you can decide that but it you decide you can't live like this any longer, making him choose losing you or working on it with therapy or just plain leaving without giving him a choice is really the only way to make it stop.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

musiclover said:


> Think my husband is narcissistic.


Perhaps he is narcissistic, MusicLover. I nonetheless agree with Sinnister that you are not describing a narcissist. Rather, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., verbal abuse, temper tantrums, irrational anger, inability to trust, emotional immaturity, very controlling actions, and lack of impulse control -- are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). If your description is accurate, your H may have moderate to strong traits of BPD.

Of course, you cannot determine whether your H's BPD traits are so severe that they meet 100% of the diagnostic guidelines for having the full-blown disorder itself. Only professionals can make such a diagnosis. You nonetheless are capable of spotting the red flags for BPD. There is nothing subtle about strong occurrences of traits such as always being "The Victim," verbal abuse, and temper tantrums.

I caution that every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all of the BPD traits, albeit at a low level if the person is healthy. This is why BPD is said to be a "spectrum disorder," which means everyone has the traits to some degree. At issue, then, is not whether your H exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do.

Rather, at issue is whether he has most BPD traits at a strong and persistent level. Not having met him, I cannot know the answer to that question. I nonetheless believe you are capable of spotting any red flags that exist if you take time to learn the warning signs. I therefore suggest that you read about BPD warning signs to see if most of those red flags sound very familiar. 

An easy place to start reading is my post at My list of hell!, where I describe the typical BPD symptoms and what it is like to live with a BPDer (I lived with my BPDer exW for 15 years). If that discussion rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. I also would recommend you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a professional's candid opinion on what it is you and your children are dealing with. Take care, MusicLover.


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## musiclover (Apr 26, 2017)

Ok I just finished some quick reading on BPD. I think that's what he has. He has a lot of the signs. He is so black and white, there is never a middle with him. It's terrible. If he has a disagreement with someone and I say oh just let it go, I will get an earful how I don't defend him. I don't bother anymore. The rages are starting to get on my very last nerve, his thinking is completely out of whack. 

I need to go back and read more. Not sure i want to continue living like this, he can be on top of the world one day and hate me at the drop of a hat. It's an emotional roller coaster for me. 

What now?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

musiclover said:


> Thanks for the replies.
> 
> He won't go to counseling, he says I need help not him.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


CLASSIC narcissist response! Its like they read a script!



musiclover said:


> Ok I just finished some quick reading on BPD. I think that's what he has. He has a lot of the signs. He is so black and white, there is never a middle with him. It's terrible. If he has a disagreement with someone and I say oh just let it go, I will get an earful how I don't defend him. I don't bother anymore. The rages are starting to get on my very last nerve, his thinking is completely out of whack.
> *
> I need to go back and read more. Not sure i want to continue living like this, he can be on top of the world one day and hate me at the drop of a hat. It's an emotional roller coaster for me*.
> 
> ...


Whether he is N or BPD, he is not going to change. So that means that you have to learn coping skills so that you can live with this, or you start making your exit plan. Those are pretty much the only two choices you have. You are going to need professional help if you are going to stay and cope.

I am surprised that he has remained consistent with the 3-4 month time frame with the rages all these years, usually they escalate.


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## musiclover (Apr 26, 2017)

I spent half the night reading up on BPD. He has it. Alcohol makes it 100x worse. Not even a lot, a couple of vodka drinks, he starts with this crazy jealous control thing.

I think back to how much he has put me through and I always said oh I must have did something to cause it. I'm not doing that anymore. A friend of mine who is over 6 feet tall, leaned over to tell me something because I couldn't hear him with the music and my H kneed him in the nuts! The guy said do that again you will be sorry.

So, word goes out what my H did, and he blamed me! Seriously, this is what I put up with.

I asked him to stop with mixed drinks, he will for a bit. I asked him to go to counseling, wont go.

I don't know what else to do. I need to seek help I guess, maybe start preparing for an out. Funny, I used to have an escape bag in my car after he got physical with me. 

And after all this reading, Im pretty sure my mom has BPD. Years and years of mental abuse. Rages about cleaning, not spending time with her, etc. At the moment she isn't talking to me because I didn't spend enough time with her at a party. I must be nuts for putting up with this stuff


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## musiclover (Apr 26, 2017)

It just dawned on me that I am living the same life as my dad. I always wondered how he put up with my mom all these years. He's a warm and loving person and was/is being emotionally abused. Wonder if my kids feel the same way. Well my older one is, wants to make a plan to leave next summer and get a place together. I'm starting to think I have been blocking my husbands remarks right out of my head.
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## beautiful_seclusion (Oct 22, 2013)

I also have a similar situation where I feel like I'm living the same life as my dad with dealing with my mom. Although my husband is definitely worse than my mom. It's crazy how we get into such eerily similar situations as we grew up in. I've decided I'm not keeping that cycle going anymore and making my parents mistakes. I suppose it's more complicated for you having kids and whatnot, but I know when I was growing up I always thought I and them would have been happier if my parents had split. I know people go on and on about divorce hurting kids, but I think dysfunctional marriages are just as bad if not worse. It sounds like a good idea you're preparing an exit. The fact that he can get violent makes it all the more necessary to really have things planned out ahead of time.


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## beautiful_seclusion (Oct 22, 2013)

I also have a similar situation where I feel like I'm living the same life as my dad with dealing with my mom. Although my husband is definitely worse than my mom. It's crazy how we get into such eerily similar situations as we grew up in. I've decided I'm not keeping that cycle going anymore and making my parents mistakes. I suppose it's more complicated for you having kids and whatnot, but I know when I was growing up I always thought I and them would have been happier if my parents had split. I know people go on and on about divorce hurting kids, but I think dysfunctional marriages are just as bad if not worse. It sounds like a good idea you're preparing an exit. The fact that he can get violent makes it all the more necessary to really have things planned out ahead of time.


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## agreenbough (Oct 1, 2012)

Look at the website "Out of the Fog". It has a lot of good information about personailty disorders. 
Alternating being abusive and then being nice is called hoovering - like a vacuum cleaner, he's trying to suck you back in to putting up with his abuse.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

BPD is a scary condition. Try to speak to him about this please. When they fly off the handle it can get nuts....(pardon the pun).


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

sinnister said:


> BPD is a scary condition. Try to speak to him about this please. When they fly off the handle it can get nuts....(pardon the pun).


Its my understanding that you are NOT supposed to talk to the BPD'er about their issue.


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## musiclover (Apr 26, 2017)

Thank everyone for the responses. I looked over the fog website, I need to go back when I have more time. I was kind of overwhelmed today; finally realized that I'm not the one with the problem.

After reading and reading I realized something. All these things he does, I've been blocking them out. I agree with him about things I shouldn't, I watch what I say to him in fear of him being criticized, etc. I didn't even realize that I blocked it out. It just became normal for me. No wonder the rages are every 3 months lol. I placate him so I don't have to deal with it.

He's all about himself, and I mean that seriously. Is that one of the signs? I can't remember. And one of the things that jumped out at me is how BPDs have a hard time finishing a project. My house is an unfinished mess. Start a job, stop, never to return to it. 

And the black and white, no gray. Oh that's him to the T. One little infraction by someone will set him off. It's ridiculous. 

Would he change with counseling? Does he realize that his rages are not normal? I don't know what to do. My insurance doesn't pay for counseling, I checked today. Sucks because I think I could really get into talking to someone.
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## musiclover (Apr 26, 2017)

Uptown said:


> Perhaps he is narcissistic, MusicLover. I nonetheless agree with Sinnister that you are not describing a narcissist. Rather, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., verbal abuse, temper tantrums, irrational anger, inability to trust, emotional immaturity, very controlling actions, and lack of impulse control -- are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). If your description is accurate, your H may have moderate to strong traits of BPD.
> 
> Of course, you cannot determine whether your H's BPD traits are so severe that they meet 100% of the diagnostic guidelines for having the full-blown disorder itself. Only professionals can make such a diagnosis. You nonetheless are capable of spotting the red flags for BPD. There is nothing subtle about strong occurrences of traits such as always being "The Victim," verbal abuse, and temper tantrums.
> 
> ...


Thank you Uptown for posting.

I was reading your comments to Dogman, it is so much like my situation. I am sick thinking I have been putting up with this and turning a blind eye. I don't think my H is extreme, but if I add all the little things he has done over the years, it makes my stomach turn.

Gets mad if I go out with friends, every single text or phone call he is over my shoulder asking who it is, tries to control me, etc. 

I really need to figure out what I'm going to do. I'm afraid to confront him, he twists things that I am the one that needs help. 

We've been together for a long time, I'm used to living like this. My son said wouldn't it be nice to come home to peace and quiet. He's right, its usually a nice calm when he's not around. When he's here, its all about him, who is going to do this and who is going to do that while as if we are here to run his little tasks. While he sits there and continues to talk about himself.

What a mess.


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## musiclover (Apr 26, 2017)

While its on my mind, I just want to throw this out there if I haven't already. A couple of drinks can set him off. Not beer but mixed drinks. I've asked him to stop; he will for a bit but then he goes back to it. Like go F yourself I can do whatever I want. UGHHH


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

musiclover said:


> While its on my mind, I just want to throw this out there if I haven't already. A couple of drinks can set him off. Not beer but mixed drinks. I've asked him to stop; he will for a bit but then he goes back to it. Like go F yourself I can do whatever I want. UGHHH


Its not uncommon for people that may have some type of mental illness, to also have either a drug or alcohol problem. Not saying one causes the other, but they sometimes can go hand in hand.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

If your SON is making those kinds of comments, then sorry, its time to get the heck out of dodge.


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## musiclover (Apr 26, 2017)

3Xnocharm said:


> If your SON is making those kinds of comments, then sorry, its time to get the heck out of dodge.


Yea, not sure if its the issues, or just his way. He's always been loud, kind of takes over a room when he talks. But other times, its just do this, do that, bossing everyone around. Or the rage crap. Thank God it isn't a lot; I would be in a nut house by now.

Today, he is perfectly normal. Just took my son out, has been interacting with us since he got home from work, isn't all about him every sentence. This is the guy I fell in love with...

I just started jotting in a little book his/my moods day to day. Want to see how often I am going thru inner turmoil and how often he acts up. It all kind of blends together at times, I have a hard time keep things straight.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

What I MEANT by that comment was that your SON is letting you know that he is unhappy in this situation. That should be a wakeup call for you, our kids deserve peace in their own home.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

MusicLover, I have a pretty in-depth article that I think you'll find helpful: 

Borderline Personality Disorder and Relationships


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

musiclover said:


> Would he change with counseling? Does he realize that his rages are not normal? I don't know what to do. My insurance doesn't pay for counseling, I checked today. Sucks because I think I could really get into talking to someone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Will he change? Why should he, when the way things currently are is working for him. Why should he go to counseling? A counselor will see him for who he is and people like him avoid those who see them for who they are. He needs for you to continue thinking YOU are the problem. A counselor will ruin that. Does he realize his rages are not normal? Does he behave that way out in public, or at work? Probably not.


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## musiclover (Apr 26, 2017)

Thank you Kathy, I read the article yesterday. Its all starting to piece together.

And Saltinwound, he has only had a rage once in public; after drinking. He pretty much went nuts on me in front of my friends. I'm glad they saw that, everyone thought he was the greatest guy ever. When I went to my car to leave, that was the night he pulled me out of the car and bruised me up. No one saw it happen, otherwise someone would have called the police. 

I have a lot of thinking to do and figure out what to do next.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

musiclover said:


> Thanks for the replies.
> 
> He won't go to counseling, he says I need help not him.
> 
> ...


Sorry but this is a deal breaker right here. Just leave plain and simple.


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## musiclover (Apr 26, 2017)

RClawson said:


> Sorry but this is a deal breaker right here. Just leave plain and simple.


I'm surprised I didn't at the time, honestly. I was never so angry in my life. He was like an animal; just full blown nuts. The next day I put on a tank top and he said you wearing that shirt out? Only because you could see visible hand prints on my arms. Yes I am wearing it and if anyone asks I'm telling them what you did. He knows if he ever ever so much as hurts me again I am having him arrested.
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