# Sex fading away



## djmason (Nov 14, 2020)

Hey everyone I have been married for almost 10 years and am 40. I have been with my wife for 13 years.... Are life has hit a sexual flat spot for the last 3-4 years... I have been begging and pleading for sex, sexual engagement and sexual growth.... This is after our first daughter was born... I am always met with promises of I will work on it, I will show you... but year after year the same result. My wife is very sexually repressed.... She has tried masturbation twice in her life and says he she gets no pleasure from it.... She is able to orgasm only when she is on top in the same repetitive way time after time.... She has recently had her hormones tested and has low levels needed for desire... She is taking DHEA and using estrogen cream to try to help... I have tried to coach her back into the game with articles, gifs, texts, websites like omgyes.com and beducated.com but still no real progress. She tries to say she is working on it and has made small attempts. We have tried to schedule sex to help to find time during the chaos that is life.... She was able to go for the first time from oral sex last week! But that is about as far as we have gotten in my attempted journey to have a health and adventures sex life before i am to old lol... I am just looking for support, suggestions people who have gone through similar situations... I am just trying to keep my sh!t together..... I find her irresistible and my libido is as high as it has ever been which makes it suck even more. Does anyone have any input? 

Cheers,

Matt


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## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

I have a small suggestion... Don't beg or plead for sex... Ever

It will come across as weak from the female perspective and will have the opposite effect of what you are wanting to achieve. 

Look around here, there is enough evidence on this site to prove that statement.

Have you considered being a little more affirmative in your actions?


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## djmason (Nov 14, 2020)

Yeah when I used those words I guess I was being dramatic but yes I have tried it all my friend. I have been aggressive no aggressive and everything in between. Firm/and also given up control.... Trying to guide the journey as best possible without losing my ****


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Sounds like your trying the 123 technique this week , throwing in articles the next, followed by trying something you read the next.
Stroke the fire of a woman by being a man that believes in being and acting like a man. You do it because that is who you are.
Being disingenuous to who you are in an effort to extract sex from your partner isn’t going to work.
Women can smell that like a fart in an elevator and it’s about equally attractive.
She already has all the sex you can handle trapped inside her. Work on yourself to set it free.
Sorry friend..... but that’s how it really works.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Stop begging and pleading and start seducing her. Slowly without so much pressure. I can think of very few things less sexy than having an appointed time for sex. Sounds like a job to me.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

These are surely tales of woe and are always puzzling to read.(for me anyway)....

I don't get the coercion or whining to get laid...If it comes down to that it's not worth it, IMO....Forget it...I wouldn't want it at that point...At that point you almost have to resign yourself to a life of getting yourself off or go get what you need...It's as simple as that, really...I know either of those options aren't ideal, but it often comes down to just that, unfortunately.....

Most people advise you to rub her back, buy her flowers, cook her a nice dinner, etc....all well intentioned but it rarely works...Throw in counseling and that is another thing that rarely if ever. works...The one thing that can work is if you ignore her, get your own shyt together, work on your looks/appearance, physique,etc,...she starts seeing you get attention from other women, and then you may see her come out of her shell...So many stories about how women(men too) often don't recognize what they have, until someone else is wanting it...

I wouldn't do anything you are doing...I am not knocking it, but sexual attraction/sex isn't something that should ever have to be "coached"...That just entirely kills the whole experience...It would almost be more enjoyable and rewarding to pay a prostitute at that point...

Its been my experience that when the sex ship sails it doesn't come back...Or what winds up happening is that the couple then settles on some kind of "duty sex".as to not upset the family unit and keep things from blowing apart...Like what you are trying to do now...Whoop de doo...about as enjoyable as an IRS audit...

Id delve into finding out why she actually married you in the first place...Maybe for security and not attraction?? I don't know, but I have seen it a lot in my experience...That never ends well...The women all seemingly get tired of faking it and wind up banging someone else more her sexual type or just shutting off completely...

Sorry bud, but your approach is not gonna do it, IMO...this is not going to be easy and may not end well..start to take another look at it and refocus away from her and don't put yourself in the position you are in now...I wish you the best..


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## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

Have you considered trying to (re) introduce a fun element to it?

The more light hearted it is the less pressure there will be all round.

Do you still flirt with her? Give her a pinch on the bum walking past just because you wanted to? Not because you expected/wanted sex? 

Heck, if the children are out of site, a gentle spanking and a cheeky smile might go a long way.

You know her better, but perhaps taking a different approach might help...?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

djmason said:


> Hey everyone I have been married for almost 10 years and am 40. I have been with my wife for 13 years.... Are life has hit a sexual flat spot for the last 3-4 years... I have been begging and pleading for sex, sexual engagement and sexual growth.... This is after our first daughter was born... I am always met with promises of I will work on it, I will show you... but year after year the same result. My wife is very sexually repressed.... She has tried masturbation twice in her life and says he she gets no pleasure from it.... She is able to orgasm only when she is on top in the same repetitive way time after time.... She has recently had her hormones tested and has low levels needed for desire... She is taking DHEA and using estrogen cream to try to help... I have tried to coach her back into the game with articles, gifs, texts, websites like omgyes.com and beducated.com but still no real progress. She tries to say she is working on it and has made small attempts. We have tried to schedule sex to help to find time during the chaos that is life.... She was able to go for the first time from oral sex last week! But that is about as far as we have gotten in my attempted journey to have a health and adventures sex life before i am to old lol... I am just looking for support, suggestions people who have gone through similar situations... I am just trying to keep my sh!t together..... I find her irresistible and my libido is as high as it has ever been which makes it suck even more. Does anyone have any input?
> 
> Cheers,
> 
> Matt


If she is not taking testosterone it will mot get better. Low level for desire....she needs testosterone. Easy fix.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

hamadryad said:


> I'd delve into finding out why she actually married you in the first place...Maybe for security and not attraction?? I don't know, but I have seen it a lot in my experience...That never ends well...The women all seemingly get tired of faking it and wind up banging someone else more her sexual type or just shutting off completely...


OK, so he finds out why she actually married him in the first place. Then what? Asking for a friend.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

How was sex at the beginning, before your daughter? Still rather lame and vanilla?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Casual Observer said:


> OK, so he finds out why she actually married him in the first place. Then what? Asking for a friend.


Well, he won't find out by asking her. She isn't going to come out and say, I was never/am not very attracted to you and married you for other reasons.

Sometimes the evidence speaks for itself--- evidence being how she reacts to you and what kind of a sex life you have.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Many post and sometimes mine included come off as making someone’s wife sound like the enemy when they actually haven’t done anything wrong.

Just to be clear: She isn’t the enemy.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I suggest keep looking for new things to try, and that may included counseling. In my experience - and from what I read here and elsewhere - there is seldom any significant improvement, but I hope you are one of the few who does. I think you'll keep trying for 5 to 10 more years, and when nothing much changes you'll get to the point where the only solution is divorce - by then you'll be ready for it. That will be easier if you don't have more children with her, and she has a job/career.


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## djmason (Nov 14, 2020)

The sex was always very Vanilla even at first but we were in our late 20’s and her desire was strong... life just seems to get in the way over the years which I know is a broken record here. We have bought toys for the first time this year. She went to her doctor to find out why her libido was so low and her estrogen was very low... I know the whole schedule thing is getting knocked but I feel it allows us to put a focus and getting back into having a weekly sex life... spontaneity is there on my part.... I see the inner struggle but she is making an effort to have some sexual growth... we’re just so far apart on expectations... I feel the fact she has never masturbated minus a couple times but never cum is a sign of just being sexually repressed?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

djmason said:


> The sex was always very Vanilla even at first but we were in our late 20’s and her desire was strong... life just seems to get in the way over the years which I know is a broken record here. We have bought toys for the first time this year. She went to her doctor to find out why her libido was so low and her estrogen was very low... I know the whole schedule thing is getting knocked but I feel it allows us to put a focus and getting back into having a weekly sex life... spontaneity is there on my part.... I see the inner struggle but she is making an effort to have some sexual growth... we’re just so far apart on expectations... I feel the fact she has never masturbated minus a couple times but never cum is a sign of just being sexually repressed?


I wouldn’t put a bunch of focus on the fact that your wife doesn’t masturbate. I doubt my wife ever has but it doesn’t seem to have any relation to her labido.
Your association of man behavior with a woman’s behavior is throwing you off track.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Let me guess, she gets headaches in the evening often or maybe suddenly gets tired and needs to go bed early (and then is on her phone).

If you were to not initiate, how long would she go before she did?

You're not going to convince her to have sex with you.... she needs to be attracted to you.

Stop trying with her and start doing other stuff instead. Do manly stuff around the house...find some projects.... workout. Don't complain.

When she stops getting your attention is when she might start giving you some of hers.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

djmason said:


> The sex was always very Vanilla even at first but we were in our late 20’s and her desire was strong... life just seems to get in the way over the years which I know is a broken record here. We have bought toys for the first time this year. She went to her doctor to find out why her libido was so low and her estrogen was very low... I know the whole schedule thing is getting knocked but I feel it allows us to put a focus and getting back into having a weekly sex life... spontaneity is there on my part.... I see the inner struggle but she is making an effort to have some sexual growth... we’re just so far apart on expectations... I feel the fact she has never masturbated minus a couple times but never cum is a sign of just being sexually repressed?


I think scheduling sex is a great idea for some couples!!!

I did it for years with my husband, and I loved it - it gave me something to look forward to all week, and I was excited and ready to go by the morning of our scheduled day! Also, as the HD partner, scheduling took the stressful wondering and guessing about WHEN I was finally going to be able to have sex away, and made it easier to wait, even when I didn't want to! Lol!!

If it works for you guys, keep doing it!


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

LisaDiane said:


> I think scheduling sex is a great idea for some couples!!!
> 
> I did it for years with my husband, and I loved it - it gave me something to look forward to all week, and I was excited and ready to go by the morning of our scheduled day! Also, as the HD partner, scheduling took the stressful wondering and guessing about WHEN I was finally going to be able to have sex away, and made it easier to wait, even when I didn't want to! Lol!!
> 
> If it works for you guys, keep doing it!


Scheduling is good but both partners have to stay on schedule. If one "has to answer the phone" or "has to get something done" it won't work.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Scheduling is good but both partners have to stay on schedule. If one "has to answer the phone" or "has to get something done" it won't work.


VERY true...but that is supposed to be the purpose of it - you both agree to commit to the schedule you set up. It won't work at all if one of you doesn't honor that agreement. And then that presents a new (or existing) problem...


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

djmason said:


> .....I have been begging and pleading for sex, sexual engagement and sexual growth....
> 
> ..... My wife is very sexually repressed.... She has tried masturbation twice in her life and says he she gets no pleasure from it.... She is able to orgasm only when she is on top in the same repetitive way time after time....
> 
> ...


Well Matt, I have been married to the same woman for 49 years. A little over a decade ago, I was in a sex starved marriage and ready to divorce my wife. Prior to divorcing her, I figured I needed to work on myself so I didn't give the next woman in my life damaged goods. Besides, I wanted to try to save my marriage.

First thing you need to understand is that begging and being needy is not sexy to a woman. I strongly suggest that you read and study MW Davis the sex starved marriage and Glover's book No More Mr. Nice Guy. They both recommend you stop pestering your wife for sex, that only she can change herself, but that you can change yourself. Do change yourself, get a life (code words....read the books), become a new and better you that makes you feel confident and proud of your accomplishments. Although not stated, I would wager your relationship with your wife is now filled with covert contracts regarding sex (yes read the books to learn what that means.)

Give your wife some credit, oral sex is a big deal. My wife still will not give or receive oral sex and this is something we talked about prior to marriage and she told me it was too intimate prior to marriage, but that she would after marriage. Yes, I believed her, and I think she believed herself, but just couldn't emotionally handle it.

Stop trying to be her father with all the gif's, websites, etc. If she wants to change she will figure out what she needs for change.

Medical reasons really require months to get the body hormones back into check. 

A great sex therapist and then a couple of marriage counselors saved our marriage. They are expensive, but a lot cheaper than two divorce attorneys. I strongly recommend you seek professional help. My W and I have sex twice a weak and even though I would like it more often at 71, I can live with that, while it is stretches the limits of what my wife can handle so it is a compromise.

Good luck.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

The good news is she seems to be open to trying to get in the mood more often.


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## 347055 (Nov 7, 2020)

Having been married 53 years, thankfully we never used counseling and never considered divorce. Just blessed I guess because we had plenty of life stresses over the years, including menopause and cancer. Rather than focusing on the flaws in one another, we always focused on all of the things we loved.

Everything Young at Heart said is right on target. Only person we can improve is ourselves, and there is always ample opportunity for that


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Rus47 said:


> Having been married 53 years, thankfully we never used counseling and never considered divorce.


Congratulations!


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I’m walking the same path as you. Now in my mid 40s and HL to where I can easily go 2-3 times a day where my wife is maybe once every two months to where it would be obvious to me she is into it.

It sounds like you’re obviously working on it and she is trying so I think you’ll be able to work it out. So far here are some things I did:

1. Stopped masturbating and looking at porn. It has been 43 days now since I have done this.

2. I know it is 43 days because I installed an app (QuitIt) so I can keep accountable for any behaviors I am trying to change.

3. Started a journal on my phone that I update every day.

4. Learn about the dual control model from “Come As You Are” in my case I read that terrible book which is hard for a man if I’m going to be honest. I also listened to the Foreplay podcast on their sexual pursuer/withdrawer model. The key point here is accelerator and brakes. Learn your wife’s brakes. I bought my wife the audiobook.

Lucky for me she was able to identify brakes immediately like: feeling unhygienic/messy, fear of pregnancy, and others.

She has been on birth control for forever so no condoms; I had no idea in the back of her mind she is still worried about getting pregnant and it’s pressing her brakes.

I’m still too wimpy to get a vasectomy but you know what I don’t have a problem wearing a condom. Hey she doesn’t like giving oral much however with a strawberry condom she gets into it and can finish me in record time because it takes off some of the brakes!

5. Don’t do behaviors that are unattractive and needy. Check out dadstartingover I started with the podcast and ended up reading his book.

6. It didn’t really apply to me but I checked out No More Mr. Nice Guy. I quit reading it part way through because the traits in the book didn’t describe me but if they apply to you, think about changing it.

7. I doubled down my workout efforts and decided to actually go for a six pack all the way. This means I gave up drinking/partying on the weekends.

8. I now touch my wife all the time and kiss her many times throughout the day with no expectations of sex.

9. I started giving her long massages with no covert contracts or expectations even in bed.

10. I wrote down a list of things I wanted to improve in our sexual relationship and shared it with her. We’re not 100% but we went from 0-80%.

11. If I go PIV I make sure she has an orgasm every time, 100%. I decline PIV if she is not willing to try and have one.

12. We both have physical pain issues with our bodies so we work around that as needed.

There are probably moreI can’t think of but that is a start. The point I hope you get from this is that is it your (both of you) problem not just her problem. What things can you do as the sexual pursuer to improve your success?


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