# Pushed for Divorce, But Actually Want R



## Saffy

I was tired of her "I don't know" sobbing and running around in circles, or her running further away while refusing to admit she was leaving me for good.

I told her I wanted a divorce, even though I truly want her back but saw no hope. I saw some for a second afterwards, but I don't see any now.

I obviously pushed her to make a decision, which wasn't good, and she for SOME reason doesn't understand why we need to get divorced, even if she's done for good, but maybe I'm being impatient since it's only been 4 months.

If she says yes and we get divorced, has anyone actually reconciled successfully after going all the way to D?


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## EleGirl

Have either of you filed for divorce yet?


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## PBear

I think there's at least one couple in here that got back together after divorcing. Other's have gotten back together after filing for divorce, but before it went through. But in general, be very careful about starting something that you don't have the guts to finish, as your bluff may get called.

C


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## Saffy

Neither of us has filed, because she pulled this discernment counselling thing out when I said I was going to. Apparently her IC recommended this. We've done one session, where I volunteered to go first and made it very clear I still want this marriage to work but she needs to make a decision and stand by it.

For some reason, probably due to her messed up parents, she thinks it's acceptable to separate indefinitely without divorcing. I dont - if she doesnt want to be with me then its over. Ive had a mediator lined up for some time, and one phonecall will start the paperwork.

I basically dont want divorce, but I dont feel it'd be right to start seeing other people while still being married, and while Id always hope she would change her mind and come back, I refuse to be her backup plan.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whitehawk

How long you been together Saff ?
Just opinions here but it depends on the why's for her to me, what's her problem ?
ls she hoping to get free for awhile to party or, never been happy with you guys or, just a bit messed up whatever ?
Anyway , l admire your not being second best attitude as it is such a bloody insult when the person you love decides crap like this but depends big on what it's all about too .
Personally if she just wants to go play or has had any serious undecided views on you two before , l don't blame you, that sh!ts bs. l'm not usually for divorce but at times like that , different story.
Wouldn't do it as a bluff though myself as people have said, could backfire big time yet if it's nothing serious, it's lost anyway.


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## mablenc

You did the right thing, if she truly loves you she will come back. Don't feel like you pushed her away, you just did what was best for the situation. Stay strong better days are ahead.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cdbaker

Certainly there are people who have gone the divorce route and then reconcile sometime later down the road. There is a good friend of mine who divorced, remarried someone new, but then eventually divorced again and remarried his first wife. It happens, probably more often for people who are quick to turn to divorce.

For me, my wife left me after a couple of affairs, moving into an apartment with the last one and lived with him for about 18 months before he was arrested for sexually pursuing a 13 year old girl. (He's in prison now) I initially filed for divorce in order to keep her from taking our daughter with her (thank God I did too right? Given her living/sleeping with a pedophile) but I never wanted the divorce and eventually took the big risk of dropping it about six months later after deciding I could trust her again. Now it's a little over three years later and she moved back home two months ago. So while we never pulled the final trigger on divorce, anyone could look at our situation and see that it's really the same difference. We were fully apart, not talking for weeks at a time, financially separated, no emotion, no sex, no anything, for years.

Now we're well on the path to a successful R I think, so yes it does happen!


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## Saffy

We've gone through the second session of discernment counseling and she's decided she doesn't have feelings for me anymore. I'm pretty much devestated....

Our counselor has suggested 3 weeks of actual communication, face to face and on the phone. I really don't know why. We were able to pick a couple of small changes we'd like to see the other make. I asked her to be completely honest and open with me, she asked me to not shut her out and actually talk to her when we meet, and to not be angry about little things like waiting in line. Our first meeting like this is today.

Her reasons for leaving were we just grew apart. I went through a rough patch, so did she, and we weren't there to support each other and we didn't feed our love through about 2 years. We've both spent time in IC, and I've come to terms with a lot of things, and I still love her but unfortunately she feels she doesn't love me anymore.

I guess I'll find out more today. I don't think coffee and chit-chat are going to stir up anything - it's not like we don't know each other, we've been together for 10 years, and we had very good communication for 7 or 8 of those. I also don't expect any amount of effort to make her fall in love instantly, or in 3 weeks. What I'm looking for is to make her interested in spending time with me... but I have some questions I need answered first. Is she seeing someone else or is she chasing someone else right now, is she even interested in trying or is she just going with the flow? And I think the best approach is to "date" and have fun and relax, rather than forcing small talk for an hour and feeling awkward. That works for people when they first meet because they're learning about each other.

I know it's not the healthiest thing to do, but I have to try.... I told her at our last session I've made a lot of personal changes, growth, through the IC and there's no way she'll see any of it if we go our separate ways.... A lot of it are things she wanted, and I made the changes because I wanted to. They're things I wanted from myself.


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## Stretch

She thinks it is over but is not in a rush to get D?

Sounds like she is using you to get her life in order with you as a safety net.

I think you have done the right thing to make her decide where she really stands on your future.

I believe that remarriage after D would be stronger than the fear, unknowns and craziness of trying to R while still married.

Just my opinion,
Stretch


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## Saffy

Stretch said:


> She thinks it is over but is not in a rush to get D?
> 
> Sounds like she is using you to get her life in order with you as a safety net.
> 
> I think you have done the right thing to make her decide where she really stands on your future.
> 
> I believe that remarriage after D would be stronger than the fear, unknowns and craziness of trying to R while still married.
> 
> Just my opinion,
> Stretch



She wasn't before. But now her feeling is it's over so might as well. When we separated 5 months ago we completely separated. Living apart, finances, the whole thing. She has her life in order, so I'm not a backup.

I think I asked for D for all the wrong reasons. Not to shock or push her, but I was being torn apart and I blamed her for it. I just wanted the feelings to go away, but it wasn't her it was me, and I made things worse. She was reconnecting a little bit from our meetings, and then I stopped them and said get the hell out of my life... and now I regret it.


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## FeministInPink

Saffy said:


> I think I asked for D for all the wrong reasons. Not to shock or push her, but I was being torn apart and I blamed her for it. I just wanted the feelings to go away, but it wasn't her it was me, and I made things worse.


Saffy, I don't have any good advice, but I feel you on this one... while my exact circumstances are different, I've found myself in the same boat.

I never actually asked my H for a divorce, but it was pretty clear that's where we were headed. I didn't see any other option, since he wouldn't even acknowledge that we had any problems to begin with. He's now, finally, after 6 mos. apart, coming to terms with our issues and the role he's played in the disintegration of our marriage, and I've been doing the same. So we're at a point where we finally could actually do something about it, but he says that he's mourned our relationship and he's moved on, and that he doesn't want to try for reconciliation.

Sorry, didn't mean to hijack your thread. I just wanted to say that I know what you're going through, and I wish you the best. For myself, I think I just need to let him go. But I don't know if he'll actually pull the trigger. I can file today, and we could be divorced in a month; but if he wanted to file, he moved out of state (only a couple miles away) and hasn't established residency there, so he would have to establish residency and then have to wait a year. So, in a sense, if I don't do it, he's dragging his feet, too, even though he says that he's moved on.

What I'm trying to say is that, you and I? We are stuck in limbo. Partners who don't want to R but are unwilling/unable to pull the trigger. And what are we supposed to do? We can either pull the trigger ourselves, or stay in limbo a little longer.


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## Saffy

FeministInPink: Sorry to hear you're going through similar circumstances (or anyone, for that matter). Limbo is worse than hell. Misery does love company though, and it's nice to know you're not completely alone.

We had our first face-to-face meeting today of our 3 week "Can people change" trial. I emailed our discernment counselor, and he admitted this is unorthodox in the realm of standard discernment counseling, but that my wife isn't sure what move to make next, and she doesn't trust just simple lack of loving feelings as a sign of which way to go.

The meeting was good. We both displayed the things we each asked for - she was open and completely honest with me, I was open and communicative, and calm and relaxed. We had a good chat about things we've done, time spent with friends and family, upcoming events, etc. The rest I initiated, where I basically stated my views and my intentions, and my hopes that after 3 weeks she'll see that it is possible for people to change, and our relationship and communication to change for the better. Sometimes it felt like a sales pitch. She's still very unsure of what to do, and I'm trying hard not to pressure her. I told her I understand she doesn't love me anymore, and rightfully so, but also that I've made major changes through hard work, sacrifice, and a lot of introspection and work with my therapist. I did my best to show her I accept her for who she is, and my previous couple years of anger, resentment, jealousy, and criticism all stemmed from looking for someone to attack because I hated myself and who I had become. 

I don't want to put the horse before the cart and live off hope but I can't help it. My goal is to be myself, and show her how I've changed for the better, and to try to convince her through actions and words that when 3 weeks is up, we can try another 3 weeks, and another, in small steps and after spending time together and rebuilding our connection she may love me again.


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## FeministInPink

Saffy, I hope that works for you. It's really hard to maintain a "no pressure" approach when the answer seems so obvious to you, and your partner isn't seeing it. I may have applied too much pressure too soon, which was dangerous ground considering that for much of our relationship, I took the lead. When I wanted our relationship to move forward, I started applying pressure (not fully realizing I was doing it), and he went along with it, rather than really examining his own feelings about the progression of our relationship. For us, the love it still there, which is why all of this is so hard. I hope you guys can find the love again, and that it will be enough of a reason for her to make an active go at it.


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## Saffy

Just thought I'd throw it in there that the waiting is physically painful. I'm not a patient person by nature, and I'm normally goal-oriented but I think this is the first time in my life I've not known if a goal is attainable or not....


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## FeministInPink

It's hard, not being in control. But we have to recognize that some things are out of our control, and there's nothing we can do about it. In your case, the goal is only attainable if she agrees to pursue reconciliation - and you can't control her. So you just have to wait and see.

It's the Schrodinger's cat of relationships 

But once you get that answer - whether it's the one that you want or not - it will get easier. I didn't get the answer that I wanted, but the fact that the answer I received wasn't the answer I wanted also helped put things in perspective for me, and once you have that answer, you can work on moving forward, whichever direction that may be.


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## Saffy

We had our first phone call of this test (I initiated). It was odd... not as relaxed as our face-to-face meeting, but still sorta positive, maybe.

I did my best to stay engaged, chat her up... except she kept bringing up her new place, her plans for it, friends coming over... and she oddly said "You should come see my new place sometime" and I didn't even know what to say. I stammered out a "Well, we'll see how things go." I thought it was a pretty thoughtless thing to say to me.

We talked about "fitness" for a little too. I sorta used it as a stepping stone to tell her she looked good last time I saw her. I'm really struggling with the boundaries there, as I am still in love with her and very much attracted to her, and her "love language" is words of endearment, yet I don't feel I'm allowed to use any....

Otherwise just day-to-day stuff. I really don't like the phone thing because I can't read her at all. We're supposed to talk again in "a couple of days" and are supposed to schedule another meeting. I don't know what to suggest - we want to do something more interactive than just talking BUT still allows conversation, but I don't think she wants a date... can't think of anything that won't tear my soul out.


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## Pepper123

You ate in an abusive situation. Please call YWCA and get into their counseling that they offer. It helped me tremendously


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## Saffy

Pepper123: Huh?


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