# I don’t want to be with my husband anymore



## Katie1015 (Sep 14, 2018)

This is going to be kind of long so you can get an idea of how our relationship was and currently is. I’ve been married for 6 years and together for 11. I met my husband when I was 18. I lost my virginity to him and he had only been with a couple of people. When I was 19, I got pregnant and had a miscarriage. I went on birth control and got pregnant when I was 20. The following year , we got engaged. It was us and our little girl. I was working part time and he was working full time and overtime. We didn’t have many bills as my parents had a finished basement and didn’t have to pay much. After a few months he wasn’t helping out as much and I stayed quiet and took on the extra slack. He was too busy playing video games and I felt ignored. He was helping out with the baby and stuff but I wasn’t getting the attention i once got and because I felt ignored I started talking to someone behind his back. He found out and to get back at me, he started talking to someone he worked with. A week before our wedding I cheated on him. I didn’t want to ruin the wedding so once we got back from our honeymoon we agreed to take a break. After a month, I told him what had happened. Of course he was upset and mad. He forgave me and never stopped coming everyday to see me and the baby. We talked things out and agreed to work together to make our marriage work. After a few months, I got pregnant again and we had our second daughter. And that brought us together pretty good. In 2016, i gave birth to our third daughter who was very sick. She almost died and it was the most traumatic thing we ever went through. She was not expected to survive and we spent everyday there. Eventually she got well enough that we could take her home. My parents sold their house and we were now living out of one bedroom while we searched for an apartment we could afford. I slept on the couch downstairs with the baby in the pack and play and he slept in the bed with the other two girls. In March 2018, we finally got our own apartment AND my husband was hired by the local police department working the midnight to 8 shift. Working that shift was very difficult because he slept during the day when I was up with the girls and then leaving when I was going to bed so I feel we got very distant. He became a different person and says because of the sleep. He started talking down to me, calling me names and getting mad over little stuff. Some days he was working 16 hours two days in a row or being forced on to work sometimes being up for 32 hours straight. Because I felt as if we were now two different people and I felt like a single mother, I started talking to another person, he found out and confronted me and I stopped. He has said that because he doesn’t sleep enough, that he works and pays all the bills, that is why he has been acting the way he has been. We went to one session of marriage counseling and since April, I haven’t felt any feelings for him, not sexual nor in love. We have been living apart for a month. He quit his job at the police station last week because he said that was the reason for our problems because we weren’t sleeping together, doing stuff together and that he wanted to make us back to how we use to be. I don’t think we can ever get back to how we use to be. We did marriage counseling two months ago but only went once. I don’t want to go again, he does and he said he doesn’t want to let this marriage end until we have tried everything. When he tries to kiss me, I feel no spark. When we have sex, I enjoy it, but it’s not romantic and I don’t feel in love. I don’t think we can ever get back to how we use to be and I don’t think counseling will fix things. I also received a call from my kids school last week and their teacher said they were crying because “mommy and daddy are going to get a divorce”. That made me feel horrible, but I don’t want to stay in an unhappy marriage for them. I know what I want, but I’m not sure what to do. Any suggestions? Can this marriage be fixed? Am I being selfish?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I'm sorry you are in this situation. 

One comment though is that I don't think it is doing children any favor for them to have parents who do not love each other - it teaches them very bad lessons about what love should be like.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

If he wont go to MC, then go by yourself. You have a pile of problems to work out, and I'd bet that divorce isn't going to solve those difficulties. It seems like you are so stressed that you don't know what to do. Solve one problem at a time with professional help.


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## Knips (May 23, 2017)

Should have seperated before marriage. Why marry if you don't love each other and cheat on you're fiance 1 week before marriage. Know that this situation is bad for you're children. Because of you're act of sellfishness cowardness you will make you're children and soon ex husband very unhappy. For the kids it is a trauma they will carry the rest of their life. Should have seperated with you're man a long time ago. So he would had the chance to start a family with a non cheating loyal wife. Omg cheating 1 week before marriage, what were you thinking.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I think you never should have got married in the first place and then go on to have so many kids! You both sound immature and selfish and then bring kids into the mess.
Your marriage has take a huge beating due to neglect and selfishness on both your parts as well as the work arrangements which would have a huge toll on the strongest of marriages so you have to give yourselves a break. Your H sounds like he is leading and willing to step up to the plate. Note that many marriages hit a very rocky patch around the 7 year mark when all the butterflies and rainbows are gone and all the normal day to day stresses are the main thing in the marriage. 
Deciding this is not working and wanting to end it is not the answer. You young lady really need to grow up. YOu will go into another relationship and probably do the same thing when the novelty wears off after 6-7 years but now you are playing with 5 lives not only your own.

I am sure there are many resentments built up on both sides but you sound as if you are not even willing to try to do anything. Love is not a feeling it is an action and your actions have not shown any commitment to the marriage, so maybe you should start there first. 
Decide to give it one year. Decide to commit to your H and your family. Choose to love even when you don't feel loving.
Loving feelings ebb and flow in a marriage, it is not all butterflies in the stomach and rainbows and it is naive to think so.
Work on yourself, work on your marriage, work on helping your H to make things better, you may surprise yourself and him. 
If after one year of being fully committed, going to IC and MC also to learn how to work together as a team and learn to make better decisions. If your mind and actions are with one foot out the door, of course nothing is going to work. Marriage is commitment.
If it still is not working out then go your separate ways knowing you have done everything to make it work. You owe that to yourself, your H and your kids.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The thing is.....

There is a thing about the mirrors in your house.

A strange thing indeed.

When your husband looks in the mirror he sees his wife and three children and he sees himself.
When your children look in the mirror they see themselves, their siblings and Mommy and Daddy.

When you look in the mirror you see yourself. The Children and Daddy are barely visible.

Open your eyes. Life is hard, harder when you cannot see.

If you cannot see, expect no one to see for you.

You sound rather spoiled.
The husband does not.
The children certainly feel not.

He forgave you for cheating on him just before your wedding. 
This was a HUGE gift.

Yes, he was playing video games. He did this to relieve stress. 
He did take care of the baby.

Nobody is perfect. 

On perfect, try to perfect your behavior.
If not for this family, for the next one.



Lilith-


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## Katie1015 (Sep 14, 2018)

I appreciate the responses. I just don’t feel like if we try to fix this it will just end up back in the same spot. I don’t think I will ever get feelings for him again.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

@katie1035, you have every important reason in the world to try to save your marriage. Your H is right- you will regret it later if you don't do everything possible to save your marriage. It might not work, but at least you will know you tried.

Put another way: as a mom to three kids, with a husband who is a good man (no infidelity, abuse, addictions and still good sexual chemistry), your greatest chance at happiness is to improve your marriage. This means staying with the only other human on the planet who will love your kids like you do. It means being together for holidays and important milestones. If you could fall back in love with your H, can you think of any other better option?

The trick is falling back in love with your H. You think it can't be done, and a pretty fair number of people will agree with you. But I suggest that it is well worth the try. You and your H have done some things that cause love to die. You have bad boundaries with other men and reach out to them, creating a situation where your H looks bad and the other men look better. You've allowed other men to meet an emotional need (probably conversation and admiration.) Your H has worked opposite hours so you haven't been able to spend any quality time together- this alone lets love wither on the vine. He hasn't been available to meet other emotional needs like family time. You've been left to handle it all. This is love-draining. 

In other words, you and your H have failed to create an environment that builds and supports love. That sounds harsh but it is true. Don't feel too badly about it, as most of us have done the same thing at some point. 

One of the best books on how to create and maintain a happy, romantic relationship is "His Needs, Her Needs." Another good book is "The Five Love Languages", but I think HNHN goes further and has more information. Both book talk about emotional needs. The idea is that we all have emotional needs, and when enough of them are met, we fall in love/stay in the love with the person who is meeting them. Both books will help you identify your and your spouse's (often, spouses have different emotional needs) and will help you work out how to meet them. HNHNs also talks about making sure you and your husband have quality time alone to date each other, to make sure you have time to meet each other's needs.

If you're not a fan of books, you can google both books and get a lot of information just from the internet.

You have nothing to lose by giving this a try for six months or a year. If you learn how to build and maintain a loving relationship, but it still doesn't work out with your H, you will have knowledge for the next relationship. And, on the Christmas mornings when your kids are opening up their presents in front of their step-mom, or she is doing Mom-Daughter mani-pedis, and making pancakes on Sat AM for all your kdis, you will at least know that it had to be this way. You will know that you tried everything possible but it didn't work out, and you will have some peace with it. You won't be sitting there looking at your new fella, still facing the same issues that you never faced or resolved with your current H. 

But chances are, if you and your H really work at it, you will instead fall back in love with your H and have a much improved marriage.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Katie, until you stop confusing limerence with love, your current relationship pattern will continue to repeat.

I would suggest reading on both of those subjects.

Then you might just figure out that love is something completely different than what you thought it was, and much more rewarding.

Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Katie1015 said:


> ... it will just end up back in the same spot. I don’t think I will ever get feelings for him again.


The only thing I can suggest is you see an attorney and file for divorce. To save a marriage, you have to be committed to expending the effort to do so.

BTW, marriage is about a lot more than feelings.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Katie1015 said:


> I appreciate the responses. I just don’t feel like if we try to fix this it will just end up back in the same spot. I don’t think I will ever get feelings for him again.


Sugar, you did not have feelings for him to start with. I mean come on, could you just admit that. 

Cheating a week before you got married, and you wonder why your marriage is not going well. 

You cannot be that ignorant, can you? 

Your husband was stupid for taking you back to start with. 

Someone here has to be an adult, you or your H. 

Just get divorced and grow up a little. Then start over with someone that you actually love to start off with.

Oh, and yes you are incredible selfish and immature...


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

Hey Katie - what attracted you to your husband initially? From your story it sounds like you've both had a very rough relationship from get-go, started very young, had children very young and then nothing but turbulence the whole way. Sometimes those experiences can bind. Sometimes they tear apart. Sometimes you find yourself staying with someone for a million other reasons beyond love and can't remember how you got there to begin with.

Best be sure that your heart is set and really try to give your husband an honest look. All these extra "talks" with other men will really cloud your judgement. But if in your heart you are truly done then try to make that process and transition as painless as possible, particularly for your kids. You are still young. People change a lot from 18-30 - that's why getting married and having kids really young is risky. But there's a lot of self-reflection needed here. And a lot of maturing or growing up too.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I read until I saw you cheated a week before the wedding and just didn’t think there was much left to be said. Wow.
You’re quite a catch. I hope he doesn’t fumble the net and let you get away.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

@Katie1015 I want to say this nicely but I think you were way to young for all of this. I don't think you have really grown up yet. I'm sure that probably pisses you off that I say that but I have to call it like I see it. There is no guarantee that you will ever be mature enough to get some of this but if you don't you are going to have a hard life. You seem to already have a hard one. 

It seems quite clear you are looking to outside external forces to make you feel happy. Some of that makes sense, but it's not your husbands job to fulfill you, and you won't get that from just one relationship no matter who you are with. I suggest some of your issue is you are kind of stuck in this kind of dead end life. But that is not your husbands fault, so he can't fix it. All he can do is love you and it seems he does. You have to fix you. You need to improve your situation (in the context of your responsibility to your children) and you can ask you husband to help you do that. Maybe it's taking classes or just the two of you going out every once in a while. I guarantee you though if you look for a romantic relationship with another man or men in general to do that you are not going to find it. You may find that your husband was the best man you ever had the chance with. After all he stayed with you after you cheated. 

I think before you do anything you should get into some IC and figure out you. You are still young. Yes it may be that you are just not in love with your husband, and if that is the case then it's actually better for him and In my opinion everyone if you are not together, assuming you can work out a healthy parenting strategy. But I don't think you should be their yet. Because I don't think your marriage is your problem. I think you have a problem. Partly it's just not being fully mature yet.

Love is not somebody who makes you feel good. It's something you give to others. Until you get that you are going to struggle and be blown around like a boat in the wind. Not a happy life.


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