# I Just don't get it.........



## eugene361 (May 23, 2013)

My wife and I have been married for 24 years. As with most marriages we have had our ups and our downs and most of the downs centered around SEX or should I say that lack there of.
I'm in a way kind of "old Fashion", when we were dating we only had sex once and that was within weeks before getting married.
Sex in my mind at that time with for after you were married at least that is what I thought. Everything was great for about 6 months and then it disappeared. From then till now it's been harder and harder to get anything related to the word much less the act of actually doing anything. She continues to say "I don't feel like it". "It will get better in time". 

Now everything else about our marriage has been pretty good with the occasional issue with money but all in all it's been good. I have no interested in getting a divorce, I truely love her and she says the same.

So what am I to do, sexless is not getting it, pleasuring myself I am tired of, it's just not the same. She seemingly has no interest at all, I've tried getting her to tell my what I need to do and I get no help, no understanding, no nothing.

Suggestions anyone ?


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Am I to understand that your marriage has been sexless for almost 24 years ?

If so, why is this an issue now more than when you were a younger man ?

Just trying to understand the situation fully.


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## eugene361 (May 23, 2013)

barbados said:


> Am I to understand that your marriage has been sexless for almost 24 years ?
> 
> If so, why is this an issue now more than when you were a younger man ?
> 
> Just trying to understand the situation fully.


Sorry. 
For the last 24 years we might have "quick" sex once or twice in 3 months and then it might be every 6 months till now and it's been 2 years sense the last time.

Is that better ?


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

She refuses to talk to you about it? That seems so odd. Does she enjoy sex? Meaning does she have an orgasm?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I don't get why you've accepted that for 24 years. Why didn't you make this an issue right away when you two stopped having sex regularly?

It's happening because you two allowed it to happen.

I don't think much is going to change after 24 years of the same behavior no matter what you do.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Thanks for the clarification Eugene. I guess this is a situation where I would have to basically insist your wife seek IC and / or MC, if I was you.

The problem however is that given such a long length of time your have tolerated this, she may just feel it all just "normal" now for you two.

You did state that you have no interest in D, so either she agrees to some sort of counseling, or you just continue to live with it has you have been.

If you read through enough threads here on TAM, especially in the CWI section, you will see that sometimes the THREAT of D is enough to wake the other person up. Does not mean that you will have to go through with it, of course.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Would you put up with her having an affair? A sexless marriage also breaks the marriage contract the same way. Marriage is a sexual contract that is all. All else we can do without a contract, like have a roommate or live with our siblings or parents.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

eugene361 said:


> My wife and I have been married for 24 years. As with most marriages we have had our ups and our downs and most of the downs centered around SEX or should I say that lack there of.
> I'm in a way kind of "old Fashion", when we were dating we only had sex once and that was within weeks before getting married.
> Sex in my mind at that time with for after you were married at least that is what I thought. Everything was great for about 6 months and then it disappeared. From then till now it's been harder and harder to get anything related to the word much less the act of actually doing anything. She continues to say "I don't feel like it". "It will get better in time".
> 
> ...


 I suggest you tell her she either puts out or you are going to look elsewhere, that pretty much worked for my husband, so did flirting with other women, with the intention of getting some... opened my eyes real fast. Either that or you can stay miserable, I am affraid you let this issue go on far too long, you may be stuck. Does she know you masturbate? Tell her and tell her how often because she isn't pleasing you. Let her know that you are willing to compromise on frequency (come to a mutual agreement) but that you need it... you are a man, who if needs dont get fulfilled with be driven by your animalistic tendencies to another woman.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

norajane said:


> It's happening because you two allowed it to happen.


This!


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

If you have a good relationship outside the bedroom I would sit her down and have a heart to heart with her about your feelins and needs and hers. I would recommend reading "His Needs, Her Needs" and "The 5 Love Languages". Don't wait any longer...its time for a change.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Uglee70 (Jan 2, 2009)

I won't bore you with my life story, but for various and not always obvious reasons, sex in my marriage has from time to time gone from good to non-existent. I will tell you some of the things that I have found successful that you might want to try.
Stress - my wife will work 16 hours a day if I let her (I used to let her) and the more she worked the more stressed and tired she got and the less sex we had. Now I make her pick up our kids from school, no exceptions, and that forces her to be at home by 5.00pm. She still leaves the house at 5.00am but at night the kids and a good meal at a decent times seems to ease her mind somewhat. I also forbid her to work weekends. The finances suffer, but I'd rather be happier than richer.
Communication - Talk about EVERYTHING! You, her, work, likes, hates, expectations, wants. Spill your guts about everything and anything and most of all listen when talks and ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS take her side over something or somebody that really pisses her off and be vocal and emotional about it.
Romance - Spontaneity is important. Buy her a flower for no reason. Send an "I love you" text at 10 in the morning. Buy a bottle of wine, cook a meal and light some candles on a Tuesday night. Bring her a cup of tea and a cookie when she in bed or watching TV.
Strength - Yours and hers. Don't become her slave or let her become what I call "damsel in distress syndrome". Don't always do things that she is quite capable of doing herself. Remind her that she has two legs of her own. If it's something that she honestly can't do, then let her have hands on while you stand there and guide her and then praise and acknowledge her effort. Nothing makes a person feel taller, more confident and happier than a well deserved pat on the back.
Remember that this won't get her wanting sex every single day, but it may encourage her to try to invest more time and effort than she normally would.
You can't do these things for a month and expect results. A successful relationship is forever and therefore the effort must also be forever and anything worth working for is worth the rewards. 
It's all about attitude.
I changed my attitude, and it changed my life ... and the sex is considerably better too!
I hope I have helped.


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