# so confused



## adikasmommy (Sep 22, 2007)

Hello, Ive been married for 2 years and a couple months. Im so confused on what to do the 2 years weve been married have not been very good ones. My husband is not the same person i married hes changed so much he hates everything and everyone. I found out a while back that when we were dating and the whole first year of our marriage he was lying to me about looking at porn and then he said he was ashamed and so on then not even a month later i caught him doing it again then again. Then recently hes lied to me about smoking then told me he was going to stop then i keep catching him. hes told me he thinks he likes getting caught. I just dont want to live like this to lie over something so stupid. I left him for about a week when i came back he changed for litarely 2 days then back to his normal self. We have a 18 month old daughter and i dont want her to see me unhappy and have her hearing us fight all the time. I just need some advice thanks.


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## mraykain (Sep 23, 2007)

Hello,
I'm not a professional, but I can compare to what I'm going through with my girlfriend and try to get you a man's perspective. When you say he's changed, you first should realize people change. Second you should think, why has he changed? Third, have you changed? The porn thing is totally normal. Guys will masterbate no matter what. If you are having sex with your husband 10 times a day, he will still find the time to masterbate, and porn is just a road to travel on. If you REALLY want eggs, you drive to the store(a man masterbating while looking at porn). You COULD walk, but it'd take much longer.(a man masterbating without porn, OR, waiting until you want to have sex). Either way, it has nothing to do with him being sexually sick. You need to ask yourself something. Have you let yourself go? Put on extra wait, been less sexually active with him, stopped putting on make up? These things do two negative things. Make you feel less sexy, and make him fell like you don't WANT to have sex, which in turn makes him feel insecure about sex. You both need to look at your sex life and be comfortable.

He is dishonest because it's easier. You need to let him know two things.... 1) Don't lie, and let him know if he does feel the need to lie, not to because you guys can work things out, you're in love. 2) Don't do things he would have to lie about. He should be honest about porn, and tell you WHY he watched it. He should be honest about smoking and tell you WHY he does it. Only then can you start to heal and work on the things. lies and seperation are the easy way out.... work for it and work hard, only then will you be truely rewarded. Both of you. I hope this helped!


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## Foxie (Nov 19, 2007)

I cannot believe your reply to her was question has she gained weight, quit wearing makeup etc. That is absurd! It's just a pitiful excuse for why he cannot direct his sexual energy into their relationship. Not ALL men need porn, or masturabation, some men do value intimacy in a relationship enough to not NEED to just achieve orgasm. Your response really iritates me and is degrading because you found every reason in the world to blame her and tell her she shouldn't do things he would have to lie about. How disgusting!


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## frustratedinphx (Dec 29, 2007)

Did he smoke and look at porn when you got married? It stinks that your husband is lying to you. I think that's really the worst issue here. I do think that some men are really visual and just like porn. Smoking sucks because of the devastating effects of 2nd hand smoke on you and your daughter. My husband also smokes and it's also an issue for us. I've come to the realization that until he realizes how dangerous it is, you wanting him to quit won't make him quit. My husband's grandfather died of lung cancer and my husband has been diagnosed with melanoma. Our 3YO son is showing signs of being an asthmatic. Despite all this he still smokes. I've made rules about smoking (not in the house, or in the presence of our son) and per our pediatrician he's supposed to wear a jacket or shirt when he goes out and leave it outside to minimize the amount of smoke on his clothes. You can lead a horse to water, but... Good luck to you.


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## SageMother (Jun 28, 2007)

adikasmommy said:


> Hello, Ive been married for 2 years and a couple months. Im so confused on what to do the 2 years weve been married have not been very good ones. My husband is not the same person i married hes changed so much he hates everything and everyone. I found out a while back that when we were dating and the whole first year of our marriage he was lying to me about looking at porn and then he said he was ashamed and so on then not even a month later i caught him doing it again then again. Then recently hes lied to me about smoking then told me he was going to stop then i keep catching him. hes told me he thinks he likes getting caught. I just dont want to live like this to lie over something so stupid. I left him for about a week when i came back he changed for litarely 2 days then back to his normal self. We have a 18 month old daughter and i dont want her to see me unhappy and have her hearing us fight all the time. I just need some advice thanks.


Why are you still with someone that you are fighting to change? Do you *love* him, or do you feel driven to change him? This will become a barrier to trust, and if you end the marriage now you avoid the added issues surrounding children.


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