# Separated 11 months



## StillhopefulCA

Hello, I’m looking for perspective and advice here. I originally posted this on another forum, but thought it might fit better here. 
My husband moved out 11 months ago. We have a 3 year old daughter, and he comes here several times a week to see her, so we end up spending a fair amount of time together. I’ve been getting mixed signals from him throughout, but every time I’ve brought up reconciliation, he says he wants a divorce. But he hasn’t filed. Things were tense in the beginning of the separation and every time we argued he’d say he wanted a divorce. I decided to be patient, and to get therapy and really “clean up my side of the street” as I very much want to stay married to him. Things seemed to have plateaued recently; we have been getting along well, even chatting/joking and generally enjoying each other’s company. Then yesterday he texted me that he wants to move forward with the divorce. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, I just felt like things were moving in such a positive direction. I can’t help but feel he wants me to do something or I’m being tested somehow, but maybe I’m fooling myself. Does anyone have any advice, or
Has found themselves in a similar situation? I’m really hoping to reconcile with my husband if at all possible


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## StillhopefulCA

I’m trying to decide if I should just try to keep stalling for time, or if I should make a last ditch appeal to him to try in just some tiny way, like a mini date or a counseling session or something? Or will that just push him always and ruin all the progress I’ve made?


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## Spicy

What are the reasons the marriage is failing?
What are his complaints about you?
How long has he been unhappy?
What changes did you make during this separation?


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## StillhopefulCA

I detailed it in my other post, but the short version is that we were fighting a lot and stuck in a bad cycle. He was unhappy for a couple years. His main complaints about me are that I was controlling and overly critical, and that I yelled and said mean things when I lost my temper when we fought. 
I have been in therapy, working hard to identify why I act the way I do, what my triggers are and better ways to deal with them.


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## 3Xnocharm

StillhopefulCA said:


> I’m trying to decide if I should just try to keep stalling for time, or if I should make a last ditch appeal to him to try in just some tiny way, like a mini date or a counseling session or something? Or will that just push him always and ruin all the progress I’ve made?


You arent making any progress. Stop waiting around for him and file for divorce. Why do you wish to stay married to a man who doesnt want to be married to you?? Keep going to your therapy and get a grip on your own issues, that gives you a goal and something positive to carry into the next relationship.


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## StillhopefulCA

That’s definitely not bad advice. I guess I don’t believe 100% that he doesn’t want to be married, because it’s been so long and he hasn’t filed, and because he has sent a lot of mixed messages along the way. And just a gut feeling. I think he feels scared to try again and just doesn’t know what else to do. I’m trying to figure out how I can show him that there are other options. I believe in fighting for my marriage, if at all possible.


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## 3Xnocharm

He wants out but doesnt want the responsibility of ending it, and looking like the bad guy. If he wanted to be with you, he would be by now. Stop leaving your life up to him. You deserve to be with someone who wants you... at the very least, you need to stop living your life on the fence.


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## StillhopefulCA

You might be right. I hope you’re not!


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## Openminded

He's said he wants a divorce. Believe him.


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