# What the heck is happening?



## summerB (Aug 31, 2011)

I don’t know what is going on. On Monday night, H said he wanted to separate because he felt like I lied to his face and he “caught me”. Honestly has been an ongoing challenge for me due to some family of origin issues. Our marriage has also been full of ongoing issues from the beginning. I have been in counseling with a marriage-focused therapist and I have never cheated and that has never been called into question. Mostly, its making decisions without consulting him and have an internal life that he deems “shady” because I don’t share it with him. He also accuses me of being egocentric, impulsive and invalidating. I am not blameless and am getting help, but it is slow-going. He is angry and won’t go to counseling. He says that counseling hurts him too much and the only reason I want him to go is to purposely cause him pain. He is also unwilling to acknowledge that a percentage of our dynamic is his responsibility and that his behavior is not always righteous. He is also paranoid and assigning malicious intent to my behavior and the behavior of others (co-workers, his step-mother). He told me I needed to find a new place to live, and that he didn’t want to talk about the separation details again until after he finds out if he is getting a job interview this week. He asked me to sleep in the guest bedroom so he can sleep in “his” bed alone. We have a 3 yo child.

The crazy thing, is that since he asked for the separation, he has been acting VERY differently. He made the bed, he went grocery shopping for himself (he won’t eat anything I cook or sit down for meals with us), he is listening to music while working, he bought new bath products with a different fragrance. I don’t know what to make of all this. He won’t talk to me except to coordinate about our child, he doesn’t say goodnight. Its like we are living as roommates with our child as the only connection. Where was all this independence and self-care while we were getting along?

In the meantime, I have no idea if he still wants to separate. I can’t sign a lease or make an offer on a house without a separation agreement and he has made that discussion off limits. I have little furniture, no place to go long-term. I don’t know how long this will last and when it will be ‘ok’ to talk about the separation (when he is asked to an interview, after the interview, once he is offered/denied the job?). I am basically in this eternal holding pattern that seems hopelessly unfair. I have resisted bringing it up because I read somewhere that giving the person who asked for the separation what they want is important, but now it is beginning to feel like a power-play on his part.


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## waitwhat (Jun 12, 2011)

No, as a matter of fact, you don't have to wait for his directions or let him dictate how your living situation is going to play out. Read that again. Read it until it starts to sink in.

You can leave any time you want and you don't need much, actually. I left our home and moved into an apartment and took hardly anything. I took no furniture except our bed headboard, my bedside table and my dresser. Maybe you can find an apartment with a short lease or a month to month lease, just in case you reconcile.

If he experiences financial insecurity or uncertainty as a result of you moving out, so be it; that is something he should have taken into consideration before separating himself from you.

Get indignant, then take control. You are a human being. You have value. You are a woman of dignity and worth. Don't allow others to treat you otherwise.


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