# why does it have to hurt so deep.. i thought I was moving forward ??!!



## catch22gofigure (Apr 26, 2013)

Acceptance of things will never change not only empowers but can disarm you all at the same time. I'll have good days and bad I know. But why is it always the ones you love the most hurt you the most. I don't think I could do this to anyone for any reason.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Because we make ourselves vulnerable to people we love - we let down our guard that's why it hurts so much when they hurt us. Thats why its important that we be happy with ourselves & dont rely on other people exclusively to make us happy. Some people don't have a conscience they don't care who they hurt.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Betrayal...........is so painful. I think its the idea that your supposed to fully commit, give this person EVERYTHING, mind/body/spirit. You just don't open yourself up like that to anyone. So, when your spouse trashes those very ideals, it rocks you in every cell of your body. When you lose a father or mother, it hurts, but you don't even tell your parents everything, the act of betrayal, not physically-although that hurts too, hurts so much more on an emotional level.


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## catch22gofigure (Apr 26, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> Because we make ourselves vulnerable to people we love - we let down our guard that's why it hurts so much when they hurt us. Thats why its important that we be happy with ourselves & dont rely on other people exclusively to make us happy. Some people don't have a conscience they don't care who they hurt.


I totally get the making myself happy part, i truly do. I love me some me...doesn't take away the sharpness of the hurt. I know it won't be a swift process, I have accepted that. I'm just venting as I learn to cope and detach.


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## catch22gofigure (Apr 26, 2013)

Thumper said:


> Betrayal...........is so painful. I think its the idea that your supposed to fully commit, give this person EVERYTHING, mind/body/spirit. You just don't open yourself up like that to anyone. So, when your spouse trashes those very ideals, it rocks you in every cell of your body. When you lose a father or mother, it hurts, but you don't even tell your parents everything, the act of betrayal, not physically-although that hurts too, hurts so much more on an emotional level.


Exactly, I feel like I did when I suddenly lost my very young mom 2 yrs ago. It's Mother's Day today so a combo of that and grieving from what im going through in tgis separation is a bit much today. Limbo, rollercoaster , and actions. ..the story of my life right now.


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## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

I can totally empathize, catch22. this may be the worst mothers day yet...I lost my mom at 55, almost 10 years ago...now that my H has left, the wound is even deeper. or reopened with acid poured in it. or something.

trying to have a decent day with D...struggling....and feeling for all of you out there who are mothering alone today...or parenting alone when mom's the one who left. it's all hard. 

i feel some small relief in knowing i'm not alone...and that there will surely be better mother's days from here on in...


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## catch22gofigure (Apr 26, 2013)

Saddest part is he's here right now wanting and trying to console me. Im bot weeping but after 19 yrs , he knows me and my moods. It's awful when tge WAH actions are seeming to be in place for an R, yet he has an ego and lack of ability to talk about his feelings, that seems to be forcing me to turn the tables and become the WAW. 180 is not will work best for me 100%. He'll never learn what got us to this point if I do opposite of what ive been doing. Yet my love language requires me to want to hear him ask me blatantly. His love language requires me to touch him more and present him with attention and affection, yet 180 since he is the one who left says , cut him off intimately. What's a girl to do ?
Though he moved out we are in constant contact, we laugh and have good times together still, he's financially and emotionally supportive. Im just in a really bad confusing place right now. He's even asked me to sell the family home and move in his apt with him, wth ? But can't ask to R. Im moving forward with plans to move to a nearby city for a fresh. Start since he announced" he's done " and he's seemed saddened by it every since. Why me and such a difficult situation. Most posts here are so black and white. My stuff is everything but. Im just praying God leads me the right way. I've somehow ended up in no man's land with the battery dying n my GPS.


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## catch22gofigure (Apr 26, 2013)

lucy mulholland said:


> I can totally empathize, catch22. this may be the worst mothers day yet...I lost my mom at 55, almost 10 years ago...now that my H has left, the wound is even deeper. or reopened with acid poured in it. or something.
> 
> trying to have a decent day with D...struggling....and feeling for all of you out there who are mothering alone today...or parenting alone when mom's the one who left. it's all hard.
> 
> i feel some small relief in knowing i'm not alone...and that there will surely be better mother's days from here on in...


Yep this feeling I have today is just as you explained. Like someone poured acid on a almost healed wound. Her birthday was last week, emotionally I aced it. But something about today has sent me in a downward spiral. I'm not truly even wanting to be around anyone. ..just me, my phone, and TAM. The WAH and kids are about to go to my MIL. I'm declining, as I don't want to ruin her day with my mood. She wants us to R and today is just not the day for her to get started with me on that. I may say somethings ill regret. Like if you all had not raised the entire family to be rugsweepers that he could have his family back. I love her as my own. Just venting about it all right now.


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## catch22gofigure (Apr 26, 2013)

I'm even really beginning to feel there is not a lot of support here unless your WAH/WAW has a posOM/posOW. Or if the WaH/WAW is not communicating with you. Not a lot of advice for those of us not in the worst case scenario situations. Guess it's like everywhere else people only looking for the juiciest story.


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## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

catch - it's okay. there is still support here. i feel alone too, when i check back and no one has commented on my posts. i've felt so low this week, actually a little suicidal even (or just wondering what the point of life is, really). no answers. 

but keep coming, write even when you think no one is reading. 

i'm going to compose the letter i want to send to my ex, but won't, over on my thread.

i invite you to do the same, just to vent it all.

it's a dark night of the soul...you've got to be in it for as long as it holds you. it will let you go, i promise (and i hope, for myself, the same)...


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Maybe the only thing that will give us comfort is to understand our part in the breakup of our marriages and change to make sure that will not contribute to any undermining of our relationships in the future.

I do not think I can understand the WAW but I can understand my contribution and make a change for the better.

Be honest with yourself, if they were completely honest with you about why the left or cheated or both, would it make it any less painful or would you assume there was something more that was being held back?

Looking forward,
Stretch


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## hank_rea (Mar 13, 2013)

catch22gofigure said:


> I'm even really beginning to feel there is not a lot of support here unless your WAH/WAW has a posOM/posOW. Or if the WaH/WAW is not communicating with you. Not a lot of advice for those of us not in the worst case scenario situations. Guess it's like everywhere else people only looking for the juiciest story.


Perhaps it's because your situation is kind of unique. I've gotten tons of advice on here but I don't really feel like it's helping me....that may be because it's ME who is not yet ready to move on. I just keep clinging to the past hoping that some miracle will bring my ex back to me, tears in her eyes, begging to try again. This even after my ex went through with the divorce that SHE initiated (claiming that she went through with it because she was mad at me) has told me on countless occasions that she doesn't love me and doesn't want to be with me. Has told me to move on and said that there is absolutely zero chance for us to ever get back together. I'm still in denial. In my alternate reality, she's just confused. She'll come around once she's cooled off. 

Everyone around me sees the reality that I just refuse to accept. Offline and on. I'm starting with a psychologist today. Hopefully I can get my head screwed on right and start healing. I don't really have any words of encouragement for you, as I have yet to make peace with my situation. Just know that you are not alone.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Catch,

As far as the Love Language goes, maybe you need to do a two week hardcore affection blitz to subconsciously stimulate his Love Language response and then if he is still wishy-washy pull back and go dark.

This way you lay the groundwork but you will potentially turn on the "maybe I made a mistake" switch for him to start working towards R.

You cannot stay in limbo forever,
Stretch


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## catch22gofigure (Apr 26, 2013)

lucy mulholland said:


> catch - it's okay. there is still support here. i feel alone too, when i check back and no one has commented on my posts. i've felt so low this week, actually a little suicidal even (or just wondering what the point of life is, really). no answers.
> 
> but keep coming, write even when you think no one is reading.
> 
> ...


Thanks, kinda feels good to come back and see more responses. I just went back to my old thread. I have made some real good buddies who are trying their best to help me as we help and support each other. No love lost for TAM...just how I was feeling at that moment.


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## catch22gofigure (Apr 26, 2013)

Stretch said:


> Catch,
> 
> As far as the Love Language goes, maybe you need to do a two week hardcore affection blitz to subconsciously stimulate his Love Language response and then if he is still wishy-washy pull back and go dark.
> 
> ...


Thanks Stretch how do I do that without appearing too needy or fake? I'd surely give it a try.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Based on your post about his Love Language, how about brushing into him when you pass each other, a hand on his back as you pass by in a room or hallway, a hand on his knee or thigh as you reach across him for the TV remote control, brush against him as he eats at the table. If your love language assessment is correct, you should not have to say anything except "excuse me" as you clandestinely push his buttons. It is all so subtle, but do you see how a hand on his back or arm or shoulder as you pass by can be seen as confidence on your part? A confident touch as you move confidently to your destination

Hope this helps,
Stretch


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## catch22gofigure (Apr 26, 2013)

Stretch said:


> Based on your post about his Love Language, how about brushing into him when you pass each other, a hand on his back as you pass by in a room or hallway, a hand on his knee or thigh as you reach across him for the TV remote control, brush against him as he eats at the table. If your love language assessment is correct, you should not have to say anything except "excuse me" as you clandestinely push his buttons. It is all so subtle, but do you see how a hand on his back or arm or shoulder as you pass by can be seen as confidence on your part? A confident touch as you move confidently to your destination
> 
> Hope this helps,
> Stretch


Marvelous info !!! Makes it all clear to me now , thanks Stretch :smthumbup:


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## catch22gofigure (Apr 26, 2013)

Stretch said:


> Based on your post about his Love Language, how about brushing into him when you pass each other, a hand on his back as you pass by in a room or hallway, a hand on his knee or thigh as you reach across him for the TV remote control, brush against him as he eats at the table. If your love language assessment is correct, you should not have to say anything except "excuse me" as you clandestinely push his buttons. It is all so subtle, but do you see how a hand on his back or arm or shoulder as you pass by can be seen as confidence on your part? A confident touch as you move confidently to your destination
> 
> Hope this helps,
> Stretch


Marvelous info !!! Makes it all clear to me now , thanks Stretch :smthumbup:


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