# Just feel worn out.....



## itskaren

Summary ... Found out husband was having an affair oct 2012. shock of it all just like nothing I have ever experienced. But now ....

we have really tried to reconcile. However, I think about their affair all the time. When I wake up, When I go to sleep , when we make love. It's always there in the back of my mind. I just cannot forgive him. I will never trust him. where do we go from here? Has anyone ever had experience of this. Any thoughts would be appreciated.


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## survivorwife

itskaren said:


> Summary ... Found out husband was having an affair oct 2012. shock of it all just like nothing I have ever experienced. But now ....
> 
> we have really tried to reconcile. However, I think about their affair all the time. When I wake up, When I go to sleep , when we make love. It's always there in the back of my mind. I just cannot forgive him. I will never trust him. where do we go from here? Has anyone ever had experience of this. Any thoughts would be appreciated.


What has he done for you to fix this? Is he truly remorseful? Does he show it? Is he trying to earn your trust or is he merely rug sweeping the whole thing? Just from your brief description, it seems to me that he has put the affair behind him and expects you to do the same, however the core marital issues, such as earning your trust back, have not yet materialized.

Can you elaborate a bit on why you still feel you can no longer trust him? His behavior and demeanor?


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## itskaren

survivorwife said:


> What has he done for you to fix this? Is he truly remorseful? Does he show it? Is he trying to earn your trust or is he merely rug sweeping the whole thing? Just from your brief description, it seems to me that he has put the affair behind him and expects you to do the same, however the core marital issues, such as earning your trust back, have not yet materialized.
> 
> Can you elaborate a bit on why you still feel you can no longer trust him? His behavior and demeanor?


I honestly don't think he is remorseful. It is never mentioned. I just get the impression that .. Well it's happened. Move on. I feel resentful. I am no longer the same person.


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## Hope1964

End it. If you and he never speak of what he did, you can never heal. You need to move on, alone. I am very sorry.


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## Openminded

R is a hard road. And it's an impossible road if the cheater isn't completely committed and remorseful. Since he isn't, why be there?


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## Mmdog60

Same issue here. Wife cheated. For years now desires reconciliation....I agree with you how do you trust, how do you get past thinking about the affair constantly...seems impossible. People that do accomplish it i don't know how they do it.


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## weightlifter

Think of YOU. Do you think you will be able to get past it? Note I did not say over it.


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## Acoa

Four things are needed for a solid R:

1.) No contact with afair partner
2.) Transparancy (no secrets, shared passwords access to all social media / email / phone)
3.) Remorse
4.) Honesty

Can you R without all four? Sure, you can also drive a car with a flat tire. It's just not as smooth, you can't go as fast and later down the road it could lead to an accident or something more major and expensive is going to break. 

Of all of these, remorse is the hardest to evaluate. The others you can observe. Remorse needs to be felt. It can be hard to accept while you are in pain, and for the wayward it can be hard to express due to guilt. But I think the trick is for the wayward to be willing to relive that guilt as many times as needed until it kicks in for the betrayed spouse that it is sincere. 

It sounds like your H is either not remorseful, or isn't willing to express that remorse as frequently as you need to hear it. 

Remind him, you need to hear it not to punish him. You need to hear it again because your pain is still there, and hearing that remorse helps you begin to heal. When a trigger reopens the wound, that remorse helps seal it back. In his remorse there is hope that he understands the pain he caused and won't let it repeat. Properly protected the wound heals. Without remorse the wound stays open, prone to infection and gets inflammed, painful and angry.


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