# Betrayed and desperate. - please help



## Demitria (Jun 5, 2011)

Hello everyone,
I am new here and in need of some guidance.

First off please please please.. if anyone isn't understanding of my problem and doesn't see why I am feeling so bad and betrayed then please be nice. I don't need to be made to feel worse.

My problem is regarding my husband viewing porn.

If you are one of these ladies that doesn't see men viewing porn as a problem and cannot understand certain women's insecurities regarding this please either don't post or just be nice. Admitedly I am a insecure woman for many reasons. I have read where other women have had a right go at other women on forums because they are feeling bad their husband has viewed porn. Things like ' what's your problem' ' you need to get a grip'

Sorry for sounding 'off' I don't mean to be i just know how fragile I feel at the moment.

Anyway, My husband watched porn 3 times after knowing full well I detest it. I also have personal grievances with it. He use to use porn constantly in his past marriage due to not having any closeness or sex from her. My husband always knew my insecurites with porn and told me many many times he would never need porn again because I made him so happy and he knew porn was for saddos - (His words, not mine)

Since this year started I have had terrible amounts of stress. My Mum and Brother have disowned me. My Dad died on my birthday, We have had a lot of trouble with neighbours who are soon to be kicked out. My eldest presented me with some terrible, heartbreaking news (she's 16) and generally my depression has taking a hold of me pretty badly. I am currently on higher mgs to try to help and I am awaiting anger management and counselling.

My husband used to reassure me that porn would never come back into his life again. He was more than satisfied with me and if need be photos and little videos he had of 'us'. 

So I found out 2/3 months ago he viewed porn 3 times. At the time I was depressed and going through turmoil and our sexual relationship had dwindled. We were always sexually satisfied with each other and had a very healthy appetite. However for about 2 months I lost my libido and was going through a lot of negativity. We did argue quite a lot too. My husband always gave me the impression he knew how badly I'd be affected if he started back on is porn addiction. Yes he did this. After years of not doing it he started agaion all because I wasn't feeling good about life and I was depressed. Still am, if not worse. I have gone through and keep going through anger, betrayel and sadness. I don't feel I can forgive him, ever. This worries me. I am so angry that he used 1 of my top insecurities and basicaslly kicked me in the teeth with it. 

The last couple of months have been awful. We've argued so much about it. He has left a few times but then he comes back because he starts being really nice begging me and telling me how much he know he's hurt me. Within a week he becomes complacent again and I am still feeling angry. 

Will I ever be able to move on? I did a hell of a lot for my husband over the years. Supported him through thick and thin. He hasn't seen his 2 other kids for around 4 years. I helped him through court cases. I helped him with letters, solicitors. I counselled him and have been a very good,giving wife. To top it off if it wasn't for me he'd most probably be in prison by now, a drunk or at least, a very lonely man.

I feel betrayed, hurt, disgusted, sad and so very angry.

What can I do? Has anyone else been through this? I hope you will help. Sorry for such a long post. Feeling so helpless.

Thank you all for reading and please.. be nice

Susi x


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

You need to start with making a decision on whether you want him in your life. On the positive side, you know he had needs that you were not able to fulfill, for a lot of reasons. He fulfilled those needs the one way he knows how that ISN'T an affair. It's still, in your situation, a very bad choice. But let's face it, the choice could have been devastatingly worse... I'm not minimizing what he did, but in context, he made a bad choice -- not a choice that should be marriage-ending.

The way to manage it should probably be much like a spouse who has had an affair -- a full-on apology and taking accountability for his actions; promising no more 'contact', proving he is not doing it openly with transparency, and doing frankly whatevet you require of him to prove to you his remorse and re-commitment to your marriage, your emotions, and your feelings here -- to regain your trust in him. 

The key is to communicate now, during your time of pain, and to work with him to help you two heal together, rather than individually which will not be fully. Part of that healing might need to be MC, or at least open dialogue about what he feels he's missing and why he couldn't control himself -- and what he will be doing about that in the future. 

Good luck.


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## Demitria (Jun 5, 2011)

Thank you for all your kind words and support.

I feel our marriage is near it's end. If I had of written everything he has let me down on most people would have fallen asleep reading it...

I know the porn thing was just the icing on the cake for me. 

It's so hard because i do still love him but I know and have known for some time that I want out.

I am so sad. I don't know if counselling and anger management will help. I am having to wait a long time for both, end of June and July! 

In the mean time we sleep seperately now and there is a lot of hostility. I hate the atmosphere but I need to be true to myself. I cannot get over it. I cannot move on. I am so pathetic

Thank you again everyone


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Do you have any suggestions that he could take in satisfying his libido? 
Admittedly, you said things were difficult in many areas there. I sure am not condoning the viewing of porn, as it does progress into worse and worse things, so out of concern for his needs, what would you like him to do? I hope he doesnt think you are "withholding" for reasons of control or spite. That would not be good. Knowing that you two are having these issues is "awareness" of a problem, and not necessarily grounds for ending it all.
Scrounge up the cash and go see a marriage counselor that is pro-marriage, maybe a lot of this can be cleared up.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

"It's so hard because i do still love him but I know and have known for some time that I want out."

Are you really mad at him because of his actions? Or could it be that you are using this as a way out and trying to justify leaving him? If there's a problem you need to talk about it, maybe it can be worked out, maybe not. If you don't think you can work any of this out and/or you want to leave him then leave him. Why stay and punish him because you don't want to be with him?


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## xanderdeg (Oct 6, 2011)

My older sister went through the same thing about a year ago, she was always feeling down and it caused her husband to lose his connection with her. She went through a couple months of depression until she decided that she really needed help to get out of it, so she did a bunch of research on it and found a program online to help her get herself into a happier situation. When I read your thread, it reminded me of her so I thought that experiences like hers could really help somebody in your situation. She told me the website which is Depression Treatment | Depression Help | Overcoming Depression . I think you should check it out since you seem to be suffering from your emotional situation. Hope it helps 

As for your husband, I used to have the same problem and it really affected my social life because I was spending hours on porn trying to find that video that really got me off. So I used this guide to get myself over my addiction and stop watching so much porn all the time. 
Here's the link: Say NO to PORN - Recovery from Pornography Addiction
Best of luck to you and I hope you get out of your situation


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