# Same Sex Emotional Affair - Is This Possible?



## Ten_year_hubby

My question is, if my wife withdraws emotionally from our marriage and proceeds to have her emotional needs met by a single female friend, is this an emotional affair? Her friend is her former college professor/faculty adviser with whom she has had a close personal relationship ever since undergraduate days. My wife stays over at her house and they are constantly in touch through phone, email, text, et cet. I have never seen or heard of her friend having a boyfriend, male companion or even a date. My wife says she (the friend) was married for a short period of time (like a year) long ago with disastrous results. My wife also says her friend claims to have been abused by her (the friend's) father although the father and everyone else (mother and sister) deny any abuse. Back to the question, can there be an emotional affair with the same sex?


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## the guy

Yes, and plant a VAR (voice activated recorder) in her car and this will help comfirm if it has gone PA (phsyical affair).

Start investingating your wifes loyalty, a PI is well worth the money, you diserve the truth and her behavior has broken the trust in the marriage.

Why continue to be lied to, you diserve the truth, so don't ask her, she will deny any PA, do this quitely and get the answers you diserve.


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## that_girl

I am not so sure. I have very close female friends (4 of them) and we share almost everything. I think it's good because we can talk and vent and stuff. But I don't share anything with them that I don't share with my husband.


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## F-102

Yes, it is possible, and it may very well NOT be anything sapphic or romantic. This friend is filling a need that she feels you are not giving her-maybe affirmation or even something as simple as a sympathetic ear.


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## that_girl

So people can't have friends? I can't have the type of friend where you don't talk about your issues and triumphs and sometimes nothing at all....that would be pointless to me. 

I am close to my female friends. We talk about everything and console each other when needed. I see nothing wrong with that.


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## pidge70

that_girl said:


> So people can't have friends? I can't have the type of friend where you don't talk about your issues and triumphs and sometimes nothing at all....that would be pointless to me.
> 
> I am close to my female friends. We talk about everything and console each other when needed. I see nothing wrong with that.


I agree...starts to border on the paranoia when talking to a female friend is assumed to be cheating. Geez.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy

TG, & P-
Yes, people can have friend but there is a reason an intution that TYH has posted here, there is something more to it and whether a EA or a PA, his chick is cheating him out of a marriage. Who knows most likely they are cheating each other out of a healthy marriage.

I take the stand that since her mentioned the OW relationship statues that the possiblity that .......well the sure fact that someone else is influencing the marriage and TYH is looking for different perspectives.

So for the sake of being proactive TYH's W is not cheating , there still is a problematic marriage that needs to be adressed.


Forgive me for mentioning the possiblity that an affair is effecting his marriage and he should just have blind trust, the kind of blind trust that got many of us in trouple over at the Infidelity Forum.


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## meson

Emotional affairs can happen between same sex as well as oposite sex friends. An emotional affair pulls too much emitional energy away from the spouse. If a woman gets the majority of her emotional support from a woman and not her husband it can cause all of the same problems as an EA with a man. I have known a few wives that do this and think nothing of it. But the problem is that they rely upon their female friends so much that it has excluded their husbands. As a result they don't really communicate with them. Then their "support" group reenforces the idea that husbands are incapable of doing or understanding anything. You might say this is really a toxic freindship and it is but it is also an EA. Those ladies that have great news and come home to ignore the husband to call their friend first to tell them the news are having an EA. And it is everybit as damaging to a marriage. 

Most women friend are not like the few I am refering to but they do exist. So yes, that_girl you can have woman friends as long as it does not damage the marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lotuslove

Emotional affairs are only affairs IMO if they become primary to yours. Do you feel that's the case? I dont think most people can lean just on one person completely emotionally. Friends, family, colleagues all color our lives and help us meet all kinds of different emotional needs... but if it seems to be taking too much time away or your relationship has changed drastically or you dont feel anywhere near the same connection I think you should talk to her.


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## pidge70

Ten_year_hubby said:


> My question is, if my wife withdraws emotionally from our marriage and proceeds to have her emotional needs met by a single female friend, is this an emotional affair? Her friend is her former college professor/faculty adviser with whom she has had a close personal relationship ever since undergraduate days. My wife stays over at her house and they are constantly in touch through phone, email, text, et cet. I have never seen or heard of her friend having a boyfriend, male companion or even a date. My wife says she (the friend) was married for a short period of time (like a year) long ago with disastrous results. My wife also says her friend claims to have been abused by her (the friend's) father although the father and everyone else (mother and sister) deny any abuse. Back to the question, can there be an emotional affair with the same sex?



Not many families who had abuse in the family will admit it. It took my mother over 20yrs to admit what she did to me and apologize for it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pidge70

the guy said:


> TG, & P-
> Yes, people can have friend but there is a reason an intution that TYH has posted here, there is something more to it and whether a EA or a PA, his chick is cheating him out of a marriage. Who knows most likely they are cheating each other out of a healthy marriage.
> 
> I take the stand that since her mentioned the OW relationship statues that the possiblity that .......well the sure fact that someone else is influencing the marriage and TYH is looking for different perspectives.
> 
> So for the sake of being proactive TYH's W is not cheating , there still is a problematic marriage that needs to be adressed.
> 
> 
> Forgive me for mentioning the possiblity that an affair is effecting his marriage and he should just have blind trust, the kind of blind trust that got many of us in trouple over at the Infidelity Forum.


Maybe, just maybe, he doesn't listen when she does try to talk to him. Not saying that is the case but, if we're going to throw probabilities out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy

Very true, F- has a good point, a need isn't being met. With that TYH should look at him self, for sure, and explore all posiblities as to why. Hopefully finding the why will help him find a cure.

I just have to take into account the statement TYH made to the OW relationship statues that got me to wonder.


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## meson

lotuslove said:


> Emotional affairs are only affairs IMO if they become primary to yours.


I used to think this for awhile but I no longer think it is this simple. I think the thing to focus on is the impact to the spouse. The OP has had a real impact and thus notices the vacuum of the relationship. This is the problem.

I came to realize this because of my EA where I fell in love with another woman and was being more than a friend towards her. I still loved my wife more than anyone else in the world and we have a good relationship. However she did notice my behavior differences towards the OW and this caused her some pain. It was damage to the marriage. The fact that my wife was the most important person to me helped but was not enough to prevent the feelings she had. This is where boundaries come in and they are what enables each spouse to set the comfort zone of their relationship to others. In my case primary was not enough there needed to be a wider gap.


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## Ten_year_hubby

lotuslove said:


> Emotional affairs are only affairs IMO if they become primary to yours. Do you feel that's the case? I dont think most people can lean just on one person completely emotionally. Friends, family, colleagues all color our lives and help us meet all kinds of different emotional needs... but if it seems to be taking too much time away or your relationship has changed drastically or you dont feel anywhere near the same connection I think you should talk to her.


In this case my wife has withdrawn, out of spite regarding something where she didn't get her way in my humble opinion. She is a needy person and she has replaced me with her "friend". She and her friend are in the process of breaking up our marriage, again out of spite or just to prove they can using a "my way or the highway" approach but trying to get me involved in a guessing game regarding what exactly their way is. The question remains to be is my wife being unfaithful?


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## Ten_year_hubby

pidge70 said:


> Maybe, just maybe, he doesn't listen when she does try to talk to him. Not saying that is the case but, if we're going to throw probabilities out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is certainly a factor. "Listen" is a codeword here that means "do what I say". But this is not always realistic and is a source of conflict. So she talks to me and I don't always "listen" which means I don't do what she wants, ie, she doesn't get her way. This is her justification for emotionally abandoning me and finding what she needs from her "friend". So is this an emotional affair?


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## Monty4321

that_girl said:


> I am not so sure. I have very close female friends (4 of them) and we share almost everything. I think it's good because we can talk and vent and stuff. But I don't share anything with them that I don't share with my husband.


I agree. You should have those one or two friends that you share much with. Hopefully she shares more with you than her friends. You should be her number one support.

On the flip side of things. No disrespect to anyone. If you flip on the television - lesbian and gay relationships appears to be exploding. (I believe most of that is media trying to make it appear common - that's a different story).

How transparent is your wife when talking about her friend? If she doesn't discuss their details much, then maybe that's an issue. Being that the friend had a very short marriage, and hasn't had any relationships, there's something strange going on there. Ask your wife about the details of that failed marriage about why it imploded. Your wife shouldn't have a problem talking about it, unless she's hiding something. 

Maybe check out friend's facebook. She what kind of friends she has on there etc.

Regardless, don't get too paranoid. Could be innocent.


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## Ten_year_hubby

Monty4321 said:


> Regardless, don't get too paranoid. Could be innocent.


I'm afraid we're past innocence here since the woman is giving my wife specific advice to escalate conflict in our marriage in order to get her way or get back at me. Unfortunately, this is not particularly good advice since it is literally breaking us apart. We have three kids and my wife is taking advice from someone with no husband and no kids. This is not good. The biggest losers are the kids who are already suffering, followed by my wife who is persevering enormous pain (caused by herself). Oddly, I may come out ahead here but it still makes me very sad


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## the guy

Give her a taste of reality and send both your W and the kids to have an extented visit with this toxic friend.


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## Shaggy

You know the other person just might be a lesbian who is after your wife. Don't dismiss it too quickly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ten_year_hubby

Shaggy said:


> You know the other person just might be a lesbian who is after your wife. Don't dismiss it too quickly.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm certainly not dismissing it but I don't want to jump to unwarranted conclusions. So far it looks like these two are very confused and find themselves in each other's arms.


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## F-102

Of course, it may very well go the route of a full-blown opposite-sex affair if this "friend" starts feeding her the "Oh, honey...you can do SO MUCH BETTER than him" lines.


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## saveamarriage101

Have you tried talking to her about this? Before jumping to PI's and invading her privacy, which I find absurd to do. That is a last resort.

Talk to her, find out what is going on with her, her feelings, her life. There is more to this story, what else is happening in both of your lives?


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## Ten_year_hubby

She is back with me now and is busy revising what happened to protect her friend. But I'm not the vindictive type so it's not really a problem. To answer my original question, yes. My wife was seperated and unfaithful to me and our marriage whether there was any physical activity or not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Monty4321

Ten_year_hubby said:


> I'm afraid we're past innocence here since the woman is giving my wife specific advice to escalate conflict in our marriage in order to get her way or get back at me. Unfortunately, this is not particularly good advice since it is literally breaking us apart. We have three kids and my wife is taking advice from someone with no husband and no kids. This is not good. The biggest losers are the kids who are already suffering, followed by my wife who is persevering enormous pain (caused by herself). Oddly, I may come out ahead here but it still makes me very sad


Have you guys attempted marriage counseling at. If she does care about your well-being, then she would consider going. 

Since the other woman is giving her marriage ruining advice, you guys need to talk.


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## ThinkTooMuch

Ten_year_hubby said:


> In this case my wife has withdrawn, out of spite regarding something where she didn't get her way in my humble opinion. She is a needy person and she has replaced me with her "friend". She and her friend are in the process of breaking up our marriage, again out of spite or just to prove they can using a "my way or the highway" approach but trying to get me involved in a guessing game regarding what exactly their way is. The question remains to be is my wife being unfaithful?


I think unfaithful is the wrong term for what your wife is doing, but it is clear she has withdrawn from your marriage to a large extent and is having what I would call an EA.

You need to decide what you want and after doing that see if she will meet you or not. In the meantime you might want to try to find a good marriage counselor but be aware there are a lot of lousy ones.

As for a PA I know several women who were married, had children, and in their 40s and/or 50s decided that other women met their needs far more than men. Sexuality is not a given for men or women, nor is it a point on a line. 

My stbx spent hours daily on the phone with her mother, went out with her mom and or gf's several times a week and ignored me a great deal. At some point I realized that my marriage had died some years back so I moved on with my life, I'm much, much happier since I left.

There is life after marriage TYH.

Good luck!


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## Unsure in Seattle

To answer the initial question, sure, it's possible. Now, this is not to say that wour wife can't have friends or whatever. There's absolutely nothing wrong with your wife (or husband) having a ear to vent to.

However...

Not to threadjack, but I'm in a long term relationship. 11+ years. Blah blah blah. My SO has (yet another) EA. Her best friend (at the time) was fanning the flames and encouraging her EA, whilst angling toward... I dunno, something in their own relationship. It started off innocently enough, with minor gripes... but suddenly, my tight-lipped SO was offering up info that was absolutely crossing boundries to her best friend while indulging in an EA. I don't know exactly what her friend was angling for, but my SO was giving all of her positive emotions to a man at work while getting encouragement (and negative reinforcement) from her friend... while her friend was telling her how bad her marriage was and how ours reflected it in so many ways (and was therefore just as bad)... how their "terrible" situations were so similar... it was building a negative charge. 

Everything was great for her when talking to her pet scumbag at work... and then she'd talk to her "bestest pal" about how everything between she and I was horrible, and her friend would agree and fuel the flames.

To this day, I don't know exactly what her agenda was- whether it was merely "misery loves company," or "switch your sexual orientation and run with me to the Casbah" or what.

To drag this all around to an actual point, I eventually pointed out that I (indeed, we) couldn't work on our problems if I wasn't the one being told about them. No one is a mind reader.

Eventually, she broke off the friendship. And, after being busted, the EA.

She was absolutely getting her emotional needs (different needs) tended to by two different people that weren't, y'know, me.


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## losing my wife

I introduced my Wife to an old highschool female friend of mine, who is a massage therapist. Shortly thereafter, my wife and I went thru the worst several months of our entire 17 yr marriage. My Wife had always adored me, and put me on a pedestal that I honestly didn't deserve. Think co-dependence, she needed and trusted me too much. I even told her so a few times. We always had a very good sex life, but my wife had problems reaching orgasm unless she'd had a few drinks. 
Her new friend was very "spiritual" (think Hippy Heaven lifestyle) and bi-sexual. I sincerely believe my wife would never cheat on me w another man. Anyway, after a few months of their once a week paid massage appts where they would hang out and chat for an hour or two after the massage, I started noticing my wife wouldn't be where she said she was. "I'm running to the bank and to our wholesale account to make a payment" except she never made it to either location. She also started hiding her phone, keeping her phone on her person at all times. She got very distanced from me, and eventually it escalated into her kicking me out for a few weeks even, so she could "find herself".
Short version, I fond out she was spending 4-6 days per week w her friend, not the one day a week I knew about. She had no reason to hide this from me? What do I care if she wants to hang out w her friends? I'm not controlling, I don't care what she does w her time. Then on New Years Eve, she left her phone on the counter and I looked thru it. I was shocked! They had been texting eachother "good morning gorgeous" "good morning sexy" etc every single morning 7 days per week for months. I have a real problem w this, I feel that your spouse should be the first person you greet in the mornings. And of course, she had been very careful to hide all of this. 
I confronted her, she denied everything. I told her I read her phone, she was very angry (why? We've never hidden our phones from eachother??). She said they were "just friends" and that I was being an *******. The secret meetings & texts continued for the next 2 months, until our marriage was truly on the verge of ending. Finally, she broke down and admitted she had (in her words) "An unhealthy attachment". 
She offered to stop seeing her friend, but asked if I was ok w her still getting the weekly massages. I don't want to control her, so to this day they still do weekly professional massages. (which drive me up the wall!). 
Another huge aspect; my wife during this time blossomed into a sexual monster! Most guys would be happy, and I won't deny that I love the multiple orgasms on cue, the constant need for sex, the crazy use of toys. My problem is, she didn't learn all this w me. I sincerely believe something sexual happened to unleash my Wife's sexual potential. Perhaps she has orgasms on the massage table, and learned how to finally orgasm while sober. Even that, tho somewhat innocent, drives me nuts that she would hide it from me. 
Any ideas???


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