# Tough Day Ahead for me - STBX moving out



## Betterman (Dec 10, 2011)

Well, as I posted in my other thread, my STBX (we've been married two months) and I discussed divorce Sunday and ultimately agreed to do that. I wanted to try and give it some time, maybe counseling or something, but she was resolved that it was time to move on. She said she had done some real soul searching over the weekend while I was away and made up her mind.

Looking back she emotionally checked out a couple of months ago, right before the wedding.

Well, that was Sunday. By last night, she had made arrangements to move in with a friend and she is moving out today! Two days later! Unbelievable. She has to be lying about there not being someone else for all this to happen so fast and resolutely. Not a whiff of remorse or regret from her. 

She asked if I was going to be at the office and I said he!! no, I'm going to be here. Don't want her or her friends taking anything they shouldn't.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Well sir, sorry you are here. However, you have seen what your future could have been. The current day activity indicates a serious issue with the STBX at a later date. Who needs that?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Betterman said:


> Well, as I posted in my other thread, my STBX (we've been married two months) and I discussed divorce Sunday and ultimately agreed to do that. I wanted to try and give it some time, maybe counseling or something, but she was resolved that it was time to move on. She said she had done some real soul searching over the weekend while I was away and made up her mind.
> 
> Looking back she emotionally checked out a couple of months ago, right before the wedding.
> 
> ...


Yep.

Hope you didn't pay much for the wedding and/or honeymoon.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I am so sorry for you pain. It hurts, so just let it for a bit.

I have no idea if there is someone else, or if she just froze with the commitment of marriage. Something sure sounds wrong. But look what you've already learned about yourself. You mentioned in the other thread that you had reservations about the marriage. Now you know you CAN trust your instincts. That is a tremendous accomplishment.

Do you have support people to call tonight? Maybe go out to dinner with some buds.


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## Betterman (Dec 10, 2011)

Thanks for all the replies. This forum really helps a lot. She will be here in about an hour.

To respond to everyone; 

Thankfully, my friend is coming over to be here with me while she is moving out. I want to present a strong and confident disposition to her and her friends. I am meeting a different friend later on for a late dinner. I've had knots in my stomach all day.

The wedding didn't cost much - the honeymoon did, so oh well. Yes, I believe that there is probably another man in the picture in some capacity. And yes, I am going to be much better off whether there is or not. I have had reservations all along and I seriously believe she is alcoholic and bi-polar, which often go together. She is heavy into drinking again and she is moving in with a single mom friend who has been arrested for cocaine twice. It still hurts real bad, though, because she was so resolute and so sudden having not mentioned her unhappiness to that degree before. There was no real chance to try to make things better, but maybe that was The Universe helping me to get out of a bad situation. I had been praying for things to get better. I remember one night when she came home at 4:00 in the morning having been drinking all night, we got into a big fight, and I was begging God to help me and that I didn't know what to do or how to deal with this. Maybe all of this is my answered prayer.

I just wish she showed even a little bit of sadness or that she will miss us. If it were really just about her realizing that the two of us will never be on the same plane, I would think she would be more sad. Well, time to get cleaned up and desperately try to not looked completely depressed.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Just know your not alone. Most of us never even seen a tear or so much as any kind of a apology. I know its hard but at least you know the truth now. The sooner you get her out of your life all together the happier you will be. 

I am really sorry you are going through this. 

Clay


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## Tivo (Jun 16, 2015)

Betterman said:


> I seriously believe she is alcoholic and bi-polar, which often go together. She is heavy into drinking again and she is moving in with a single mom friend who has been arrested for cocaine twice.


You can disparage her and blame her for being all these things but it will do you some good to accept responsibility for your own failures in this mess.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Question...is this your home?


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## Betterman (Dec 10, 2011)

Well, it's finished. I am proud of myself for handling it well in the moment. I helped her move her things out and I even gave her money to help her out. It seems like such a shame despite all the differences. I noticed among her things was the engagement picture of us with the lines, "... in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, till death do us part."

I suppose I sound like I'm having a pity party right now, but it's just where I'm at. 

She did sign the settlement agreement I drafted, so I'm good there. Now just to see if there is any way to annul a 60 day marriage.

Thanks to everyone on this thread for the kind words and even the tough love.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Good job and don't give her another dime.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Annulment Laws > Procedures > Nullification of Marriage

If you really want an annulment, run don't walk to an attorney. Most have pretty quick time limits.
Probably for the best.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Betterman said:


> Well, it's finished. I am proud of myself for handling it well in the moment. I helped her move her things out and I even gave her money to help her out. It seems like such a shame despite all the differences. I noticed among her things was the engagement picture of us with the lines, "... in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, till death do us part."
> 
> I suppose I sound like I'm having a pity party right now, but it's just where I'm at.
> 
> ...


I understand where you are at emotionally. I can assure you better days ahead. Things worked out for the better in my situation. No doubt yours will as well.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Sorry this happened to you, but think what it would have been like had you two been married for ten years and had two kids! No, you did the right thing.

I'm a recovering alcoholic and there is no way I would marry me. I would just not take the risk marrying someone with an addiction. Alcoholism can be mistaken for bi-polar disorder...she may or may not have a mental illness. Dollars to donuts she has been hiding the full extent of her alcoholism from you this entire time you have been a couple. Alkies can lie and act with the best of them, and I would bet she has been putting on a front this whole time. But no alcoholic can sustain the act forever.


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## Betterman (Dec 10, 2011)

Well, since this all went down so fast, and she moved out today, I'm going to allow myself to be sad today. In my heart, I believe she was likely unfaithful. At the very least, as bandit stated, she has been lying about drinking and where she goes - in fact, she admitted the night we talked that she lies about how much she drinks. I asked her why she does that and she said, "That's just what I do. I always have." She also told me that she doesn't think like me and she has no interest in "growing together." She has admitted she has an alcohol problem before, but now she is saying that she thinks she is just fine and I am just much farther along than she mentally and emotionally.

Of course, she is right.

In my mind when I have brief moments of peace and clarity these past many days, I know that in reality it doesn't matter whether she cheated or not. I have many times over the last year or so written letters to her (never gave them to her)suggesting that we simply don't fit - these were usually written after a night when she got home at 4:00 in the morning which happened frequently. I know that I have to take responsibility for my pain right now, because I could have and should ended it myself long ago. I also know that I need to seriously look at and work on how I am selecting women. Duh!

HOWEVER... right now, it hurts like hell. And I am struggling to keep my mind on other things - And I am the President of a start-up company!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> That's just what I do. I always have." She also told me that she doesn't think like me and she has no interest in "growing together." She has admitted she has an alcohol problem before, but now she is saying that she thinks she is just fine and I am just much farther along than she mentally and emotionally.


Yeah...typical alcoholic denial. She has been playing these duck and jive games for years and is very well practiced at hiding things.

You should pity her, because she has a dark, long, twisting road ahead of her. She is an alcoholic, but sadly she does not realize it. It will take years for the cycle of self destruction to come full circle and she is forced to face her addiction. 

Don't stick around and don't look back. You dodged a bullet...

...actually you dodged an armor piercing RPG.


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## Betterman (Dec 10, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Yeah...typical alcoholic denial. She has been playing these duck and jive games for years and is very well practiced at hiding things.
> 
> You should pity her, because she has a dark, long, twisting road ahead of her. She is an alcoholic, but sadly she does not realize it. It will take years for the cycle of self destruction to come full circle and she is forced to face her addiction.
> 
> ...


First, Bandit, thank you very, very much for your input. It helps me to move towards actually feel compassion for her as opposed to resentment. I do believe that her alcoholism is real, as many friends have told me that about her as well, and she has been arrested two times for DUI and still drives drunk. She will also start drinking before noon on her off days from work and usually drinks 5-6 days a week. 

When we had an extended period of having a wonderful relationship, she wasn't going out and she wasn't drinking. I saw the potential, and I guess I was hooked. The root cause of all of our problems lies within the drinking in my assessment, however, she tries to spin it that I push her too hard and that we just have different expectations and different behaviors in a marriage. Which is true.

But ultimately, Bandit, I think you are right - I dodged a bullet here because it was going to get worse before it got better. Knowing this will certainly help me to heal and eventually I will be able to genuinely send her blessings.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Wow...2 DUIs? 

Man get out now and don't look back...because when she plows into someone and kills them, you do not want to be on the hook for that. 

If she continues to drive, my hope is that she wipes out on a curve or goes into a wall and solves her own problem, because she is a menace until she either gets help or goes to prison. 

I sound cruel saying that, but at my AA meetings we talk a lot about DUIs, and I have had old guys come to my groups in the past who have done decades of prison time for vehicular manslaughter. To a man they have said they wished they had just packed it into a wall or gone off a cliff, because the guilt of living with what they did is a pain worse than any death or prison sentence. 

I would not wish that guilt on her or you.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I hope that by losing you maybe she will wake up a little and see she has a real problem. You are actually helping her by doing this, because losing you will, for better or worse, bring her lower...and closer to a place where she may bottom out and have an epiphany. 

Long ago it took me almost killing myself to get to that place. Hopefully she won't get that bad.


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## Betterman (Dec 10, 2011)

Actually, I was hoping that us being together would be her epiphany. Sooo many of her family and friends have told me how much better she had gotten since being with me. But, she never did AA or any introspection or anything from a growth standpoint - she just doesn't do that. She sweeps everything in life under the rug and lives like it never happened. She had a real tough childhood (both parents on drugs and alcohol and some prison). And I guess she just had to get back to the party scene. She just seemed so motivated to overcome, but I guess she doesn't think the partying aspect needs to change yet.

I really hope she does get better because she has a good heart. We don't belong together for other reasons as well, but once I finish aching, I will genuinely wish her well.

Bandit, you have been such an amazing help for me today, and I am very grateful to you for that.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You have White Knight Syndrome my friend. You think it is your job to save broken women...

Well you need to put the kabosh on that mindset or you will doom yourself to wandering from one lousy relationship to another. 

Get thee to counseling for codependency...post haste.


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## Betterman (Dec 10, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> You have White Knight Syndrome my friend. You think it is your job to save broken women...
> 
> Well you need to put the kabosh on that mindset or you will doom yourself to wandering from one lousy relationship to another.
> 
> Get thee to counseling for codependency...post haste.


I've already made an appointment!


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Agree with Bandit.

Find a woman you don't have to fix.


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