# Looking for Advice from Separated/Divorced Dads



## Arioch (Jul 9, 2013)

I have been married for about 20 years and have three kids under 10. While rocky at times, I always thought my marriage was pretty solid other than a lack of sex since having kids but on some level I really knew she just didn't love me anymore.

A few months back I confronted her on the issue and she admitted that she had fallen out of love with me. After a long talk we decided to try to start fresh and IMO things were going really well. Then she went away for a weekend to visit some friends and when she came back she said she wanted out of her LIFE. Not just me but the job, kids, everything. She said it wasn't the life she wanted.

I had heard this in varying degrees but never to this extreme. Plus she became very secretive with her phone and internet use and for the first time I really wondered if she was cheating on me. Still don't really believe she is but the little nag won't go away.

Anyway, I decided to keep pushing the issue telling her I need the truth about how she feels about us and our future. After a few weeks of this she admits she wants a separation. She wants to see "what else is out there".

I got the truth but now am barely functional. How do I pick myself and move on from here?? Do I give her a free and clear separation to "play the field" while I raise our children alone?? What if she decides she wants to come back?? Can things ever be the same??

Does this sound familiar to anyone?? Please if you have had this happen tell me how you coped.

Thank You


----------



## Arioch (Jul 9, 2013)

Also forgot to say we have done couples counseling and know how approach and address problems between us. She has been in counseling individually for about two years for anger and depression.


----------



## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Arioch said:


> I have been married for about 20 years and have three kids under 10. While rocky at times, I always thought my marriage was pretty solid other than a lack of sex since having kids but on some level I really knew she just didn't love me anymore.
> 
> A few months back I confronted her on the issue and she admitted that she had fallen out of love with me. After a long talk we decided to try to start fresh and IMO things were going really well. Then she went away for a weekend to visit some friends and when she came back she said she wanted out of her LIFE. Not just me but the job, kids, everything. She said it wasn't the life she wanted.
> 
> ...



I kind of did the same thing. For several years, I had the feeling my wife didn't love me. So, I started reading many marriage books to improve my part, came to TAM, got in the best shape of my life, did all I could do to help around the house, and nothing changed on her part... Nothing increased her desire for me..

The difference is my wife doesn't want out of the marriage. She wants companionship and an intact home.

Like you, I forced the truth out of her. I got my answer and it hurt like hell for a while...

I am better now.

Most will say to divorce and let her go so you can have the opportunity to find another...

For me, I found my inner strength and peace. I am developing friends after 20 years... Find your inner strength, exercise, get in shape if you're not, find other interests and become a better you...


YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS.

TAM is a good place to vent.


----------



## Arioch (Jul 9, 2013)

Hey Trickster,

Good advice. I did get in shape. Lost 40 lbs and 6 inches off my waist (to a 34). I did everything I could to be the best dad I know how. It all did bring me peace for a time. But the status quo began to eat at me to the point that it was dragging me down again so I decided to push back for the first time and this is where it got me. Not sure I am better off though I was likely only delaying the inevitable anyway. Friends I have but I don't think I'll ever love another not sure I'll ever want to.

It sucks to see other guys in a similar situation. Hope it works out for you too. Peace through strength brother.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Sorry things aren't working out for you, Arioch. I'd be surprised if she is not conversing with another man. Couples counseling just won't work if she has one foot out the door, that way. It would be like trying to get your footing on some wet clay. I don't know if you want to invest more time looking down that rabbit hole? 

Here's a place you might find what you're looking for. You can find some resources there and other fellows, going through divorce, you could speak with, in the forum. 

Divorce Information for Men and Fathers | DadsDivorce.com

Best


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Her dissatisfaction is extreme.

She is the WAW (probably a cheater or trying to).

Keep working out. Stay focused on yourself and your kids. Draw up an economic plan for divorce. Don't let her quit her job before you file. File? Yes, you should file to give her what she wants. It may not be so sweet, living in some crap apartment.

Don't talk about reconciliation or hanging on.

Read the 180.


----------



## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Arioch said:


> Hey Trickster,
> 
> Good advice. I did get in shape. Lost 40 lbs and 6 inches off my waist (to a 34). I did everything I could to be the best dad I know how. It all did bring me peace for a time. But the status quo began to eat at me to the point that it was dragging me down again so I decided to push back for the first time and this is where it got me. Not sure I am better off though I was likely only delaying the inevitable anyway. Friends I have but I don't think I'll ever love another not sure I'll ever want to.
> 
> It sucks to see other guys in a similar situation. Hope it works out for you too. Peace through strength brother.



I went from a 34 waists to a 30 in. I have about a 47 inch shoulder girth. I have more muscles than ever before in my life. I spend quality time with my daughter. I earn more money than ever and nonevof that changed anything...

I am OK with that now... You will be OK as well. 

If your wife wants to leave, let her... Just like LongWalk said, file... I know that will be hard for you to do. I don't have the gumption/chutzpah to do that yet...

My wife tells me I can have relations with other women, just so she can avoid sex. She still wants to stay married...So we are sexless now...I don't want sex with her.


How is your income? Can you make it financially on your own? 

Three kids under 10? 

Do you have family near?

Can they help in any way?

Can you afford after school care if needed?

You will meet women in the future. Your attitude will change. I still believe women are amazing... Ummm, most are amazing.


----------



## Arioch (Jul 9, 2013)

Thanks for the great advice. Moving on.


----------



## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"Then she went away for a weekend to visit some friends and when she came back she said she wanted out of her LIFE. Not just me but the job, kids, everything. She said it wasn't the life she wanted.

I had heard this in varying degrees but never to this extreme. Plus she became very secretive with her phone and internet use"

Big RED Flag here....weekend get away was probably a planned meet with a POSOM she was in contact with.

Check the phone records, FB, etc, from the months prior to the trip and you will find out who this POS is.

Sounds to me that she is cheating....the separation is just to keep you on the hook in case it doesn't work out with this scumbag.

And she wants total freedom to explore this relationship with POS...hence why she wants you to keep the kids and all the responsibilities while she is off exploring Fantasyland.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

*Re: Re: Looking for Advice from Separated/Divorced Dads*



Arioch said:


> Thanks for the great advice. Moving on.


Good luck.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Consult with a divorce attorney, separate finances, get checked for STDs, and fight for 100% custody of your children. insist on not paying her any support or child support.

If she wants to walk away, then let her go. Actually, insist that she go. Get her to agree to your terms while she has some shred of guilt over what is actually going on that she hasn't told you about.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Just let her go...just like your old lady ...you too will find someone else !

In fact letting her go with a smilre on your face just might save your marriage.

Chick dig confident guy, so wish your old lady the best and start emotionally distancing your self....no more " I love yous" stop doing thing for her.

In fact help her get her independence ASAP by seperating your money and divide your assets.

Start bring home boxes and help her pack...what sucks is your old lady thinks you will be the one to leave ha ha ha....she wants out then she leaves....get those boxes and start spreading them all over the house. Start helping her pack with a smile.

Be warned she won't like how easy you are letting her go...but then again why in the hell would you want to share your wife.


And trust me ...currently you are sharing your wife...you have been replaced.

Begging and crying for this marriage will doom it!

Again chicks dig confident guys!


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

She's probably cheating. If you want to find out for sure, answer this question...

_What kind of phone does she use?_


----------



## Arioch (Jul 9, 2013)

Its an iPhone. Not sure what generation.


----------



## Baablacksheep (Aug 29, 2013)

There's really only 1 reason for her to keep her phone from you: because she's doing stuff on it she knows you won't like if you found it. Who are her friends ? Are they married ? Single ? The people she's hanging with will have a bigger influence than you think. I totally agree that begging, pleading, etc. will only push her further away. Own the problems in your marriage that you are responsible for, that's really all you can do. If there's goodwill left in her heart, she should[eventually] respond to that. If not , at least you can know you did all you could to work it out. 
BTW, if she's talking to another man the above advice won't work. I'd do my level best to find out what's going on on her phone.


----------



## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> She's probably cheating. If you want to find out for sure, answer this question...
> 
> _*What kind of phone does she use?*_


This should be your signature Gus.


----------

