# Going Out Sperately--Any Thoughts?



## Kasme (Sep 27, 2010)

Hey my wife and I have been married for two years so far. She likes going out with her friends, and at first she took me with her. Her friends weren't really too into me, and since she also straight and gay guy friends. So she started taking me out less with her, i would notice things, and she would say there in your head or your being insecure, i would keep saying it and she would eventually agree. That kind of made me uncomfortable that my wife was hanging out with other guys. I told her I didn't like that, and felt she should be going out alone with them. She has not cheated on me, and is just a very social person. She will go to charity fundraisers at a lounge or bar with her friends, but doesn't feel comfortable bringing me. Hey and guy and girlfriends will be there. I ask to come; she says that she doesn't want me to be her shadow. Also that I am being insecure about one of her guy friends who has known for years is good looking and straight. She does message him and other friends a lot, and when i get annoyed she is like your trying to control me. I say only want to more part of your life. She says that she has known them for over 6 years , and me a little 2 years. Each person is different and you can’t be like them. So if there is a fundraiser/comedy show, and instead of taking me, she is going to take one of her guy friends. Am i making a big deal out of this? How should i pursue this? She does say to suggest things for us to do, but i never suggest things that she is doing since most she gets invited to do, or are part of her field of work/interest. She has told me they all respect that she is married, and she or they wouldn't do anything.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Sounds very inconsiderate to me. I know I would definitely be miffed for going out without me and I would be absolutely pissed for going out with a guy "friend". I would do some high level snooping and back off hounding her for a bit. Maybe back off and act indifferent towards her and work on yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kasme (Sep 27, 2010)

The guy is like her brother, since she had no brothers and he was an only child. As per her story i met, and he has tried being my friend. I just feel like he is doing it so he can stay friends with her. She didn't tell me she was taking him, she mentioned the event. I saw the rsvp and it was with him, its a comedy show. So i am going to now ask to see if she is going with someone, she will probably lie, and her excuse for lining is usually your insecure, and i know what you would think that's why i didn't tell you. I just feel like I am competing with her friends, for affection and conversation. I am a bit of an introvert, but when comfortable i do interest with people. She says that i don't make an effort in talking to her, but whenever i do it feels rushed or forced and she doesn't talk back to much.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

If she's lying about her activities (going to the comedy show with her "friend") that is a bigger problem than actually going out with them. Maybe you are being insecure...but I DO know that someone who are up to no good as far as their "friendships" with other people go use that as a way to deflect the attention away from them. Instead of it being on her, she's pushing it back on you. Making you seem like the one who's doing something wrong.

I don't understand why she REALLY doesn't want you to attend these functions or hang out with her sometimes. So she's got some gay friends? So what? Unless you're a homophobe who attacks these people verbally, or you're rude and disrespectful..there shouldn't be a problem with letting you hang out too. 

You've apparently got some warning bells involving this male friend. That tells me her behavior is suspect enough that it's causing you concern. It doesn't necessarily mean you're insecure. I'd sure do some snooping around. I know about the invasion of privacy and all, but since she's not exactly being forthcoming, this is what you have to do. Check things out thoroughly.


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## Kasme (Sep 27, 2010)

Yeah I don't mind her gay friends, she is a very needy person socially as she says. And i just worry that, without me there is more risk of her getting trouble. 
It's just her friend is single now. She has told me if she told him she would be with him he would go for in a second. She has told me she wouldn't do that. I just feel like left out, since they are like best friends, and the will make jokes that i don't get. She will be like we have known each other for so long, don't expect our relationship to be similar to the two of theirs. It takes time as she says. A few times i made a fuss, and she stopped talking to him, and then restart later on. I tell her didn't you stop talking to him, she likes i don't, then she like yeah but every now and then we message. So I get so frustrated. I have told her i don't mind, but i feel like your talking to him to much.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

You're not overreacting. It's disturbing that she wants to exclude you from these functions, and it's not respectful to you or your relationship that she compares yours as "only 2 years" and their friendship as longer and therefore more important.
Sure, having other friends is ok and you don't need to be together every moment. But it sounds like she's just not being nice to you and treating you like a spouse---friend, partner.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Thats a shame that its only beed two years and your lossing your best friend. How transperant is she with regards to text messages and phone conversations?

The reason I ask, Is im curious in how secretive she is. She is responding to you inqueries with no real explaination. It seems every question gets responded with" your insecure" there seem to be no real answer for your questions.


Intuition is given to us for a reason so please do not ignore it. It could save you some heart ach down the road.

My feeling..... soon she will be claiming "your invading her privacy"  when inreality your will be invading her secrecy. 

For many, I believe our wifes freindship with us, is replaced with others and soon an emotional connection is formed then it become physical. (gay or not the temptation from others is still possible.

My advise, start going with her no matter how hard it is on you, force the issue and go, you are not a shadow, you are her husband and she should be poud to show you off and show off the love she has for you. Ya right.... good luck man.


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## Kasme (Sep 27, 2010)

I see her on the phone and am whats going on anything new, and she says i don't do that when your looking at the markets with me. I told her i stopped. I told her i don't like her talking to other people so much, because it's our relationship that is important. It takes away form us. Oh and previously she made a fuss of me talking to my sister more then her, which i realized and stopped, she didn't do the same.

So about the situation with this event. I told her that since she wasn't sure about it, and had a exam these last days it would be nice if we go out on that day. She said why pick that day, and that the only reason she wasn't going to go was i was being, jealous, needy and insecure about it. I told her fine we can do it another day, and asked for specific details, on the event. She gave me the name and said she was going alone, which she really isn't. I told her mentioned you were going with a friend, but you didn't tell me who.

Also whenever I bring up something and do my searching she takes it as me being passive aggressive. She told me if you don't want me to go say it.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Here's my thing, when you are married to me, you don't get to have your cake and eat it too. My point, i'm not saying you aren't allowed to have guy friends. But you aren't gong to go to socials with a guy on your hip that is not your husband. To me, that's a major RED FLAG!!! The guy is single too and would be down to smash if she batted an eye, all you gotta do is mix a little bit of alcohol and she's in trouble. Shame on her for putting you on the back burner to her other friends socially. She doesnt' want to chill? Okay, two can play this game. I'd start going out with a single female friend and give her the same BS exscuses why she doesn't want you to go. That would wake her up.


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## Kasme (Sep 27, 2010)

She has told me you should think up of things for us to, and then we can go out together. After I made a fuss before she also planned some things for us to do together, and then when she decides to do something alone or see when her gay friend, she will invite the other people, and i stay alone. I got depressed from all this and gained some weight, so now am trying to motivate myself to get fit again. I know she would be furious if i did what she is doing, but i feel like she has a double standard. I lie, its like Armageddon, she lies, she excuses it all the time.


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## BuddyL33 (Jul 16, 2009)

I have a pretty simple and straight forward viewpoint on this. I feel there is no place I go that my wife isn't welcome to come and vice versa. I don't feel a spouse should ever say I don't want you to come. If they are then there is a problem in the relationship that needs to be addressed.


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## bilbo (Nov 28, 2010)

Start doing more fun things with her and her friends. Talk about your fun times together. Exclude those that make you uncomfortable and go out some more Have a heart to heart and tell her that both of you have to be honest! Start finding things about yourself that you love and respect yourself. The more you do the more she will! Don't have kids until this gets straitened out. If you can't fix it, leave and find someone who will respect you. Relationships are about RESPECT. It needs to be mutual. It ebbs and flows over time, so give it some time, but don't wait your entire life.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Please take the time to do things with her you are so close to screwing this up.Don't act needy, just show her the confident man that she married. You need to replace her time with her "friend" with her real friend, the man she married. I have been down this road, my biggest regret was not being there to take her out and fill the voids that are being filed by her "friends" It is so easy to dismiss the marriage and before you know it there is ton of resentment on both partners. Things like "you never took me out" and "you never stayed home" then it gets worse like" you never show me attention" and "we are just friends" It can really get bad when you hear " it was a mistake and I won't sleep with him again" 
Heres my favorite "I love you but I'm not inlove with you" 

So please reconnect with your wife and do not dismiss her behavior. If she wants this marraige to work she will need to follow boundries.


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## Kasme (Sep 27, 2010)

So i spoke to her, and she said she wasn't go with anyone. She was upset that i didn't trust, but i saw the rsvp which i didn't mention since i don't want to open a problem about intruding on her privacy. She says she hasn't talked to him in a while, and she stopped doing so for us. I feel like she counts him as a friend and only says that so i don't worry or get annoyed. I will do my best to do more activities with her, and try to get her attention toward me. She constantly reminds me she loves me and doesn't know how to get me to trust her. She says my intuition is just my insecurity, which is annoying since, when the tables are turned her intuition is always right. I'm going to work hard on doing things with her, and dealing with my weight gain, mainly from worrying about her. I feel like she justifies her friendship, she knows shes married to me, and she says shes not a *****, and loves me. So if there just friends then, it's ok to lie since nothing bad is happening in her book. She told me what do i want a list of details on each event she goes to , and who she is going with. I don't know, I don't want to go that far. I feel like i want to trust her, but is this the only way to ease my worries? If so then doesn't that make the relationship different. I want to give her freedom, but i feel like if i give her an inch she takes a foot.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

K,
Heres my play when you dont want to reveal your resources; [So she doesnt know how to get you to trust her?] your reply" I get this feeling, I see signs that I cant' explain, cops know how to see it , for me it just comes to me. I just can't explain the feeling I get when you you some times lie.

I used that one after reading my W cell bill " Are you sure you haven't called OM, I feel as you have."


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

One more point, communicate the intuition point. put it on her when her intution is always right, we all have that ability. dont waiver on that.


I suggest going as far as you can, keep this thing in check and balance it out with taking her out, all the time.


Yes she will take a foot, she is still a little girl and has not learned how to be a partner/ team mate. It will take some time for her to understand that she can not have her cake and eat it to. So if she wants to play house, she will need to put her big girl pants on and behave like a wife. Once she can learns to take care of her man then she can go out and play with her friends.

If you don't set some boundries it will go south, so yes she will try to out wit you with her double talk, all kids do, but daddy knows whats best. Make your stand now, If she falls in love with OM you will push her away. Right now you will just piss her off and she will saulk in her room for the day.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Do not let her trick you with the Line" If you don't want me to go. say it". Tell her you will go with her, she then will refuss and then you will say your not going. This is when you sit her in the corner.

I wish I would have taken this stand 13 years ago, just remember you need to balance this controlling behavior with a reward that both partners will get. Show her you are confident in your dicisions and be strong in the fact that best friend always hang out together.


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## Kasme (Sep 27, 2010)

I will keep an eye on her, she tells me she isn't talking to that friend, but i know she is. I believe she see them as just friends, and tells me she needs to be social to be happy. She tells me if i was different or better to her, then she wouldn't need them. I did end up confronting her about that event she denied planning on going with him or even messaging him. I know that's not true, and she said if he was there it would because he was part of that group, which is unlikely since i saw her rsvp him and her. I never mentioned that, since it would be me invading her privacy, so she told me I should of told her from the start not to go, and not made such a fuss with my insecurities. I guess i will keep trying to talk to her, and plan things for us to together to help improve our relationship. Thanks for your help, this relationship means a lot to me, and i want to make it work. She does love me, she says it, and tells me if she didn't want to be with me then she wouldn't be. She just tells me I am not doing enough to make her happy and wants me to do more, and that's why she resorts to seeing her friends.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Relationships are hard work. Its easy to sit back in the lazyboy and watch her go by. The work is, instead of relaxing we have to get up, put some nice clothes on, get in the car and drive, wait in line, so on and so on. Its important to flirt with them and listen to them when your sitting acroos from then in some bar or resturant, when alls you want to do is watch the game.

For me it was to easy to watch her go by, thinking she was ok with it, and her telling me everything was fine. 13 years later and multiable affairs it really wasn't. Back then and even now she really wanted me to be her best friend, a friend that did things together and had other friendships together.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

What you're describing is pretty much the story of my marriage. Part of it anyway. I'm a super-social person and my husband is a total homebody. Plus we had several years in our relationship where he worked nights and I was in grad school at night. He gets along with most of my friends okay I suppose, but he's ahem....far too blunt and quick to share most of his opinions to socialize with me for work. But in the end, he still doesn't like dressing up, exploring town, new restaurants, clubs. He complains so much about traffic, parking, crowds, noise, etc. that even when he goes he's such a pain that we're both annoyed by the time we get anywhere.

If you want to improve/save your relationship, let me tell you: you have to DO things with your wife. Outside the house things with your wife. And you have to be fun doing them. Figure out ways for you guys to make friends together to do stuff with. Otherwise, it will always be more attractive to be out where the people are. 

I suspect that she's an extrovert at heart and her energy, the way her batteries recharge, as it were, comes from being around other people, so that's what she'll seek out. I'm the same way and can tell you, it's really hard to balance my personality and my husband's introverted one so that we're both happy. Mostly we just do our own thing, actually.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I use to think my marriage was ok, by just doing our own thing, but in reality my wife just wanted attention. See she is shy and likes to stay home, but she is very attractive so her "friends like her to go out with then b/c it attracts the guys. Talk about pear presure, and the combination of me dismissing her. BAM SHE GOES OUT and got into trouble. 

Now adays we go out together, and we just siding around the house and giving her my undivided attention, that is what she like and needs.
Just be a best friend that she can talk to.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

the guy said:


> I use to think my marriage was ok, by just doing our own thing, but in reality my wife just wanted attention. See she is shy and likes to stay home, but she is very attractive so her "friends like her to go out with then b/c it attracts the guys. Talk about pear presure, and the combination of me dismissing her. BAM SHE GOES OUT and got into trouble.
> 
> Now adays we go out together, and we just siding around the house and giving her my undivided attention, that is what she like and needs.
> Just be a best friend that she can talk to.


I've often been a little envious of people who are happy just hanging out around the house, it would make my marriage _so_ much easier if I could learn to like things like that.  While it's too bad you had to go through some rocky times to get there, I'm glad you've figured out what your basic needs are!


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## Kasme (Sep 27, 2010)

Yeah I know i need to be tougher on her on going out with me and less her friends. When I first went out with her friends, we were having problems, fighting over things. So I would go with them, but be emotionally drained by the time we all met up, so i was no fun. I would do my best to be outgoing, i am an introvert. I do say the wrong things sometimes, and I am learning to be careful. Her GF's make sure to mention when i do to her. Even though I am an introvert, I can easily adjust my personality to the party and crowd, and she hates that she tells me to be myself and people will either like or dislike me. We went to listen to a band at the bar, and one her friends pulled me over to talk, away from the music and she got mad that i left her. Even though she was with her friends. I do feel like her friends are watching me, which she says is not true, but they do ask questions that sometimes clearly come from her, or tell what i say. COGypsy, I'm curious she is similar to your personality, and her friends want her to come also since she is very pretty, and usually can send the guys who come to her to her gf's. She has told me to plan things for us to, but I always feel like i can't plan things that are at her level, but then she says she will go to my level, so I am unsure about how i should take that. She usually gets invites to parties and events, but rarely invites me since she says i am an introvert and will be weird there. I mentioned a few times that I never really went out much, so if you have any suggestions since you get invites more than i do, let me know she is like i want you to plan things. I have tried giving her my undivided attention, but sometimes I don't have much on my mind, or am stressed from work, so i come to see her and try to talk to her. 

Sorry if I am rambling on, but I generally do get the opinions everyone is giving me, and I have a lot of work to do before things can be good between us. I mentioned once if I have so many problems, maybe i should go to a psychiatrist, and she told me don't since they don't understand our overall situation and will give you bad advice, and you shouldn't go especially if you thought you were fine before meeting me, and you shouldn't go just because of me.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Kasme...you've got a problem developing here. GO seek the counseling if you want. You're not doing it for her, you're doing it for yourself. Something tells me she doesn't want you to hear what you might hear. 

I don't know where you live..but there are tons of things to do. It's not at her "level"? What the hell does that mean? You can check the community and see what all is offered. Don't worry about it being on her "level", just b/c it's not something she would ordinarily do. There are other things besides clubs and bars. She might not be the center of attention, but too bad about that. 

But her lying to you is a BIG problem. She shouldn't be lying. I'm not a huge Dr. Phil fan..but sometimes what he says hits to the truth. "People with nothing to hide, hide nothing". That is a personal truth for me. I'd check with my cell phone company to see if they keep a record of the text messages. Not just how many, but the ACTUAL text. Some do, some don't. But I'd sure check. And if they do, I'd get a copy of those texts. 

Sounds to me like she's "cake eating" here. She's got good ole dependable, stable you at home, and her "friend" as well. Her protestations that she'd never do anything with him would fall on deaf ears if it were me. Doesn't sound like she's got well defined boundaries..and that's going to lead to trouble.


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## Mrs Chai (Sep 14, 2010)

> . I told her I didn't like that, and felt she should be going out alone with them.


That is perfectly normal feeling to feel. I’m surprised to hear she hasn’t taken steps to reassure you about this insecurity. Generally, married women shouldn’t be hanging out with single men. It’s a recipe for disaster, especially if the woman is dissatisfied with her current married life.



> Hey and guy and girlfriends will be there. I ask to come; she says that she doesn't want me to be her shadow.


I’m not quite sure I get this reasoning. Is it because you don’t talk? Are you unfriendly? I’m not a big social butterfly, I tend to be very quiet when we go out with people or friends I don’t know (my husband and I) but I still go. He once upon a time didn’t get why I was so introverted around his friends, I just take a while to warm up to people and be myself. Him being so extroverted didn’t quite understand that until we had a informal discussion about it. He understands better and just lets me do my thing in my own way.
But since he did mention that he doesn’t like how quiet I am, I took steps to be more interactive with his friends. I ask questions that are not too personal but nothing like, “So how’s the weather?” This way I get to know his friends quicker and can feel more comfortable speaking with them and I’m being part of the group, even if I’m not really divulging information that I prefer to keep private to new people.


> I say only want to more part of your life. She says that she has known them for over 6 years , and me a little 2 years. Each person is different and you can’t be like them. So if there is a fundraiser/comedy show, and instead of taking me, she is going to take one of her guy friends.


This is a disturbing response to your effort of asking to be a part of her life. Sure she’s only known you two years, but… you’re her husband. And your spouse should be placed before your friends, especially if one feels as if you’re neglecting them for your friends. And sure you’re not going to be like her friends, if she wanted to marry her friends that’s what she would’ve done. So there’s something special about you being you that made her want to become your wife. I would be curious as to why she doesn’t want to share her husband with her friends.
Me personally, I would love if my husband had interest in going out with me. I don’t go out very often, but he’s just not interested in listening to our girl talk or going to bars. Which at first bothered me, but again we *talked* about it and came to an understanding.
Taking a guy friend to an event would be okay… if you had no interest in going. But her choosing that guy friend (gay or not) is not something I find to be a good sign.

The rest of your explanation seems a little confusing. You say you tell her you want to be part of your life, but you don’t make an effort to talk with her or do the things she likes? You don’t make suggestions, which seems to frustrate her. You also tell her she talks too much to another man and she tells you that “You’re being insecure and you ignore me anyway, so hush.” And…. You do?

You have a right to tell your wife that she is spending an inappropriate amount of time speaking with a single male friend of hers during free time that should be husband and wife time. If she wants you to talk more, she needs to hang up that phone and talk to you. Otherwise, she’s going to get emotionally involved with this single male friend of hers and that’s just bad news for everyone.

And sure, she might get pissed. She might throw a fit and say you’re insecure and crazy and thinking up things. But if she RESPECTS you and your marriage, she will see that both of those things come before this friend. And she can be an adult and explain to her friend that their interaction is making her husband uncomfortable – and he knows it. No single man speaks extensively with a married woman and is her ‘friend’ without motives. Would he act on them? Maybe not. But if the opportunity presents itself… well would a starving man turn away a steak?

Also, lying is unacceptable, no matter what. You can’t have healthy, loving marriage if either of you is lying to the other. It will suffer and it will hurt someone (or both of you) in the end.

I think you should do counseling, individual and together. You really need to take a stand here, since it sounds like she figured out how to guilt you into not saying anything to her anymore and playing on your own insecurities to stop your prying. This is not loving behavior from a wife. This is manipulation for her to do what she wants, regardless of how it might make you feel.

I think you really need to work on your communication here. Counseling is probably the best thing for you. If you guys are involved in a church, your pastor would be a real help as well.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

My best friend for a while was a guy. My husband was not threatened by him and there was no attraction (in that way) between us.

Both being retired military, we were separated many times in different countries and states and have gone out without each other more times than I can count. Never bothered either one of us.

If you feel that she's doing more than that - address that - going out without your spouse and having your "own" interests is actually healthy - according to my counselor - but, if the going out is an excuse for something else - that is a different situation entirely.

Why exactly don't you trust her? Just the going out on her own, what? It sounds like you may be insecure due to your weight-gain, and she is doing nothing and you are projecting your insecurity on her. If that's the case, you need to work on you - your insecurity is not her fault.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I bet your wife wants two things: one being for there to be something to do with you and the other being for you to step up and take the lead sometimes socially. 

That's half the appeal of going out with friends--you don't always have to plan it all and then convince your husband to come along with you etc. Plus, if you come up with something, then she can relax some because you chose it, so she doesn't feel as responsible for your good time. I can't tell you how stressful it is trying to balance taking my husband around places sometimes because I feel like I have to "take care" of him and make sure he has someone to talk to, isn't off in a corner somewhere, and I can't ever tell if he's having a good time because his affect can be so flat. When it's me and my friends, I can just go, you know?

Anyway, as far as things that you can plan for you guys to do, there are lots of things. Easy things, really. You go to dinner, right? So instead of the neighborhood burger spot you always go to, or takeout--spend half an hour checking out the paper or asking around at work and find a good downtown restaurant instead. It doesn't even have to be a fancy night, like where I live, there's a pizza place uptown that's certified by some place in Naples to make Neapolitan pizza--it is SOOO good, out of our way, but amazing. It would be huge if my husband said, hey, forget the pub, let's go to Marco's. Or hit happy hour somewhere that has cool ****tails. Things like that. Then be happy about going there. If you have to, make a list of things to talk about. You could even get one of those sets of questions for parties, just to have conversation starters handy. That way you have things to talk about that aren't your "issues" or long lapses of silence.

Another thing you could do would be to look on meetup.com or places like that for things like couples dinner clubs, or outdoor groups or whatever it is that interests you. Then you could make some "couple friends" instead of trying to tag around with all of her longtime friends that are still single. I know it's probably pretty hard for you to make that step out to initiate--but it would be a worthwhile investment in creating a social circle for the two of you that would bring the two of you closer together and reduce the time she has to spend with the other group. BUT--you have to take the initiative, not just suggest it and think or hope she'll just arrange it all and do it.

It sounds like she's giving you all the hints she can that she really does want to do things with you---she just wants there to be things to DO with you. Another thing you could do is kind of "beat the others to the punch". If there's a movie she mentions wanting to see--ask her to see it opening weekend. "Like" the bands or places she likes on Facebook, if you're on there, and if something is going on with one of them, make plans. Then the answer to her friends becomes, "oh, my husband got us tickets/is taking us/took me to...." instead of "sure, I'm in". 

Just don't be paralyzed by thinking about what's at "her level" it's not about her level, it's about knowing her interests and acting on them, that's all...


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

You make her feel like a wife. The OM makes her feel like a woman. Do you really want her going somewhere with another man, having everyone thinking that they are "together"? Ten-to-one, if people ask her about you when she is at one of these events with him on her arm, she's telling them that you are separated or divorced. And I'd also be willing to bet that her GFs are encouraging her to act inappropriately.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

While I know that the nature of this board and the experiences of its members skews thoughts toward the worst-- I would like to point out a few things:

It IS possible for men and women to be friends, just friends who enjoy spending time together.

Opportunity does NOT equal intent, nor does it equal action. So just because someone with a vagina is in the ongoing presence of someone without one, doesn't mean an affair is imminent or ongoing.

Single girls are likely FAR more motivated to get laid themselves than to get their married girlfriends hooked up.



As a childfree, married extrovert who has always had far more male friends than female, who has always spent as much, if not sometimes more time out with male and female friends than with my husband--I can tell you none of those things or people led to, instigated, or participated in infidelity with me. Being out without the presence of my husband didn't make me say I was single, or suddenly rip off all my clothes and offer sexual acts to passing strangers, either.

Like Freud said, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. And if your partner doesn't want/like to go out, doesn't get along great with your friends and doesn't want/like to talk or engage with you at home--what else are you going to do? 

While lying about who she's going with is definitely wrong, I'm not saying that it isn't, it seems more understandable if it's someone he doesn't like anyway. If she's already feeling judged about her friends and has no reason to stay home, she probably feels like she has to fudge things. 

It's a hard situation for them both to be in and really hard to work out a balance between two such different personality types.


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## Kasme (Sep 27, 2010)

I do want to thank everyone who has commented on my top so far, your help and advice has been greatly appreciated. 


I agree I am lacking in a lot of areas, and feel like I am alienating her. I have hard time getting close to her, if you she doesn't like something you’re doing she can be harsh to tell you. I also repeat things that I am told not to do. I will do better, to make her want to be around me. I am uncomfortable with her friends being around her, but she has made it clear there just friends and she wouldn't try anything. She never went to that event, but we ended up having an apartment party with her friends. My friends were out of town. We had a good time, I made a couple mistakes, looking or staring at her too much. A problem I have, and also she got annoyed when I corrected her stories, some events she saw me differently then I saw myself or it wasn't that bad, but I felt like sometimes they would make me look worse off, which I disagreed. She told me don't pretend to be someone else, I am better at telling people what happened then you are. Other than those things the night went well. She got to drunk we had 8 bottle of wine between 6 of us, and started becoming bitter toward me, i told her that i love her, at the end of the night and that got her upset. I am not a person who will yell or be harsh; I may notice something and complain. So I couldn't smooth things over so I passed out, she spent the next two hours on her computer. I wake up the next morning and see her laptop in the bathroom, which makes me sucpicious, she was checking out adultfriendfinder.com and chatrulte. She got mad I invaded her privacy, but I confronted her about the sites. She couldn't remember she said, and said it was spam, and that they were spamming her email account to. So I feel like she blacked out and went on these sites, since she wouldn't have told me about the emails if she had remembered. She has never gone on them before, and hasn't since that one time. So it's annoying, she is mad at me for my shortcomings and failures, and I am upset over her going to the sites. I apologized about my behavior and told I am trying to be better. She did tell me that her friends liked me and had a good time. I did my best to be social and talk about things to keep things lively. When I mention the sites, she doesn't want to talk about them saying she wouldn't cheat with a stranger; she has all these people around her would if she wanted to, but she doesn't. I still bring up the sites, and she then changes the subject to my failures. We haven't been talking to each other, I apologize about my actions, and she says she doesn't want to talk. She did the first day to humiliate me, and says since you can't understand nicely this will do. So I have tried talking to her, and she is in a bad mood, when I get upset I can get over it that day or in a day, she takes a couple days. 

This is gotten worse lately, and we usually have these flare ups one every month or two. I am most likely going to recommend a marriage counselor, I feel like she is very bitter toward me, and she has said if I change then that shows I want forgiveness. She has told me she shouldn't have to give me all the details if she is going out, since I am not her father, but her partner. She then asks me to give her a list of things that I feel I have done to show change.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Kasme said:


> The guy is like her brother, since she had no brothers and he was an only child. As per her story i met, and he has tried being my friend. I just feel like he is doing it so he can stay friends with her. She didn't tell me she was taking him, she mentioned the event. I saw the rsvp and it was with him, its a comedy show. So i am going to now ask to see if she is going with someone, she will probably lie, and her excuse for lining is usually your insecure, and i know what you would think that's why i didn't tell you. I just feel like I am competing with her friends, for affection and conversation. I am a bit of an introvert, but when comfortable i do interest with people. She says that i don't make an effort in talking to her, but whenever i do it feels rushed or forced and she doesn't talk back to much.


I feel your frustration. My husband is very introverted, while I am chatty and friendly. He also gets jealous when I spend excessive time with friends. We have learned to meet each other halfway and poke our heads into the opposite introvert/extrovert world. I sit and read with my hubs and I ask questions to get him to talk. He makes an effort to be more sociable with my friends, while I have learned to put him first. If my husband would prefer that I stay home with him, I often oblige. Sometimes, I just tell my love that I can't be bothered to have one sided conversations. It gets too annoying and difficult.
Your wife needs to be more sensitive to your insecurity. No husband wants to see his wife constantly with another man.
It can be very boring to go out with an introvert. Maybe you're wife feels that you are simply too quiet for her at times. It also seems like she is very independent, perhaps even too much. It took years for me to make the psychological changes which are necessary to be married.I had to change from "me" to "we"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tattoomommy (Aug 14, 2009)

I would SO put my foot down! No way would I be comfortable with my husband going out without me with another girl! No way. It's inappropriate. Prior to dating, I had 99% guy friends. My best friends were always guys. Some of which there were some stupid drunken kisses or whatever, but it was never an ex or anything. When my H and I got serious, I knew that meant the closeness with the guys had to change. He is the only man I should ever go out with alone (my daddy and brother are the only exceptions lol). There's just no excuse for it. If she's lying, RED ALERT dude!! NO way. no way. no way would I let that go.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The first thing on the list should be 1) Not tolorating her inappropriate behavior.

She has twisted this so much that you are now appoligizing for her being on dating sites, How does that work?

Next time she throws that invading her privacy crap, tell her "I.m invading your secrecy and if she didnt have secrets there wouldn't be a proplem.

So even thought your not her father, but her Partner, well it should be Officer Partner- welcome to the cheating police, I've been on patrol since Feb. '10

It took me 19 years for my marriage to go from me to we and what makes it work is the fact that we both are on that same page. It sucks that your wifes happiness revolves around her wants and needs. I hope and pray that her happiness will some day revolve around making you happy, so good luck and try not to apoligize to much for the behaviors that your wife is bring out of you. I hope her actions change so she can see the change in you.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Too much time wondering what is going on. Keylogger the computer and get the phone records.


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## Kasme (Sep 27, 2010)

So we got in a fight over everything. I called her out about the websites, and she got mad. She said you don't know how to bring things up. I say things the wrong way, and she then uses it against me. She deleted the sites, and said that she didn't sign up. She deleted the profiles that she made when she was really wasted. She then switched everything to me not being supportive or caring. Also my lack of doing things with her or planning them, is saying i don’t want to be with her. I made a few events in the past, but usually she will get critical of me. I have made my mistakes with her in the past, hurting and embarrassing her, I have never cheated on her. She has hard time, since they were pretty serious and made her look bad. I apologized and have been ever since, but whenever i do something wrong she brings them all up. Saying I may have forgiven you, but I haven't forgotten. So I hesitate or unsure with her, since i always remember the things she says. She has a temper problem, and yes i am guilty of a lot of things that i poorly treated her, so she will go on to humiliate me. I am planning on suggesting a marriage counselor, but am afraid she will say you are blaming me. If she recommends it's fine, but coming from me i am dumping my problems on her. I am unsure, I feel like when she gets upset, she stays like that for days. She got mad Friday morning, and has been upset since then. She will stay quiet, and then go of on me. She will bring new things up, that were never a problem before, but when i do the same she says why are you bringing up the fast. I try to talk to her, but she isn't in the mood or will twist my words against me. So currently I will try to get her to come with me to a marriage counselor. Her mother has told her in the past you get angry to fast, and to let it go sometimes, since she stays that way for a long time. She told me I judge her friends, but I generally don't. One time they were talking about getting high, and she didn't participate in the conversation. She would hang out with them, and i thought about it, and figured she has been getting high when i am not around, since I have been noticing the effects on her sometimes. Talking weird when your high or being so tired that you sleep on the couch and eat a lot of food. She is a small girl and rarely eats anything, for her to eat a lot is not normal. She lied, and i new she was lying, and threatened her with a drug test, and she still lied. I didn't want to do that since I know i was right, but didn't want to put us in that predicament of her failing. I just wanted to scare; she turned it around as me not trusting her. 

She has told me she wants to be social and go out with her friends, like once a week, but that easily pushes to twice or three times. Then she will suggest a weekday night out for us, so i don't get upset or something. I was planning to get a keylogger, since I am not trusting her anymore. She tells me she doesn't act this way, and it's just me not treating her right.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Oh, man. She doesn't sound like the type of person who can maturely find solutions to problems-she spends all her time looking for someone to blame, even when she knows that she is damn well at fault. I don't think I could stay with someone like that.


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