# Are affairs thrilling?



## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

This topic can up in another thread, where a poster remarked:

"Very , very few WS's have ever said that an affair was thrilling"

This struck me as particularly inaccurate, as "thrilling" was precisely the word my wife used to describe the affair. I've also seen this word used often when reading up on infidelity.

Just curious what others with experience think on this.


----------



## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Same phrase my wife used - I think some ws are afraid to mention it


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

My ex wrote many letters to her om and she thought so. Also, while moderating a diff board I inquired about that as the subject fascinated me, and also have talked to people I know personally, and about 90% stated it was and 10% felt it not but were sort of pushed into it by their cruel spouses. Now, that said, years later most say that the thrill wears off, but they still recall it and they always have the memory of it.

So maybe the best way to put it is that at that very time it was thrilling but once they saw the totality of the damage they did they no longer regarded it as thrilling- but to me it doesn't change the fact that at the very time they were betraying, it was the thrill of their life. The chase, the seduction, the wantonness, the forbidden lust and passion, feeling someone actually cares for them...... are all very alluring.


----------



## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

My WW readily admitted it was very thrilling. I probably wouldn't have taken her back if she hadn't admitted it. We had been married for over 35 years at the time and she said she "felt" like a roommate. Ever heard that one before? So when the younger OM came along, bingo!

She also told me it eventually became very stressful and she just about had a nervous breakdown. She wasn't in love with the POSOM so it was all about the illicit sex, sexting, etc. It was eventually just too much. I wasn't her plan B, or plan A. She didn't have any plans.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Of course it's thrilling, at first and during until it isn't, I'm sure. It's just that's not what people trying to reconcile really want to dwell on, and by the time they are trying to reconcile, the thrill has turned to anguish and guilt. 

It's another form of rewriting history - they did that when they entered into the affair, and do it after the affair in order to reconcile their actions in their own minds and to their BS.


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I believe that if there was a machine one could be hooked up to and it made that person tell the absolute truth (and they could not suppress it), and if a betrayer was so hooked up on their death bed and asked what was the most thrilling and excited they have ever been, at least 80% (and probably over 90%) would say the first time they betrayed their spouse.


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

norajane said:


> Of course it's thrilling, at first and during until it isn't, I'm sure. It's just that's not what people trying to reconcile really want to dwell on, and by the time they are trying to reconcile, the thrill has turned to anguish and guilt.
> 
> It's another form of rewriting history - they did that when they entered into the affair, and do it after the affair in order to reconcile their actions in their own minds and to their BS.


I believe this is so true for the vast majority.


----------



## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

I think that's why people cheat, its thrilling


----------



## tonedef (Aug 7, 2014)

No it is not thrilling, the affair itself. The falling in love or what not is thrilling, but not the deceit. That is how it was for me anyway. That is one of the many reasons I told my ex H about him because I do not get a thrill from things like that. Believe it or not I actually have a conscience. Most WS want to cake eat, lead a secret life, which may be thrilling I suppose, if you're like that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

The WS is playing for big stakes. The affair had to be thrilling to be worth the risk. That is the positives had to outweigh the negatives for the affair to occur.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

HarryDoyle said:


> My WW readily admitted it was very thrilling. I probably wouldn't have taken her back if she hadn't admitted it. We had been married for over 35 years at the time and and she said our "felt" like a roommate. Ever heard that one before? So when the younger OM came along, bingo!
> 
> She also told me it eventually became very stressful and she just about had a nervous breakdown. She wasn't in love with the POSOM so it was all about the illicit sex, sexting, etc. It was eventually just too much. I wasn't her plan B, or plan A. She didn't have any plans.


Same with me, my old lady was just looking for a band aid, no real plan or emotion....just hanging out with someone that wanted her, and sex was the currency.


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

tonedef said:


> No it is not thrilling, the affair itself. The falling in love or what not is thrilling, but not the deceit. That is how it was for me anyway. That is one of the many reasons I told my ex H about him because I do not get a thrill from things like that. Believe it or not I actually have a conscience. Most WS want to cake eat, lead a secret life, which may be thrilling I suppose, if you're like that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This question may be too personal, and if so I offer a sincere apology, but can you recall the first time (may be the only time, or maybe it was an EA so you can disregard) you knew you were going to have sex with your AP, was there a sense of excitement (or similar), did you feel like a condemned being led to the gallows, or was it a sense of this was something you had to trade for to have the feeling of being loved..... Was it sexy taking your clothes off for him to admire your body, was another man's hands on your body knowing how he wanted you make you feel desired like you hadn't for some time...?

I mean, there may have been regret immediately after the sex (or maybe not), but most intimate to me that it was a thrill for that moment in time when it was actually happening. Another poster here feels the opposite about people having betrayals- that it was somehow a miserable and terrible experience throughout..... and I have a hard time thinking that for most betrayers.


----------



## tonedef (Aug 7, 2014)

But how? Most betraydd rugsweep affairs anyway. A majority of bs from what I see are always begging for the ws to come back. If an affair was thrilling, wouldnt a ws know the risk was there to lose everything? The bs probably is already being taken advantage of, being treated bad, nicing his way through life. The ws probably wouldnt see much of a risk of losing anything. The H got treated like crap and is still there. Losing him was never a real threat. According to this forum my thoughts are semi backed up by all the betrayed pleading they do. I am not discounting the ws feelings of thrill, I just logically do not understand it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

the guy said:


> Same with me, my old lady was just looking for a band aid, no real plan or emotion....just hanging out with someone that wanted her, and sex was the currency.


That makes a lot of sense.


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

tonedef said:


> But how? Most betraydd rugsweep affairs anyway. A majority of bs from what I see are always begging for the ws to come back. If an affair was thrilling, wouldnt a ws know the risk was there to lose everything? The bs probably is already being taken advantage of, being treated bad, nicing his way through life. The ws probably wouldnt see much of a risk of losing anything. The H got treated like crap and is still there. Losing him was never a real threat. According to this forum my thoughts are semi backed up by all the betrayed pleading they do. I am not discounting the ws feelings of thrill, I just logically do not understand it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think that most betrayers have to rug sweep those feelings or they lose their marriage and all that goes along with that. My ex sent those letters for weeks and they expressed her very true emotions, but today she has to tell her current husband it was all so terrible. I think he knows she is lying, but it just seems to be part of the game. Or, maybe those who have genuine remorse simply change their feelings about it all to themselves..


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

While I am the betrayed spouse I will tell you I found nothing thrilling about it. My WW did not use that word exactly but she found it flattering that he gave her so many compliments. OM found every word she ever spoke to be amazing. OM hung on her every word and made her feel so good. All I can say is she wasn't the first female to ever speak. OM found her attractive, witty and pleasant to talk to. Sad part is I did too. WW knows this now after the affair and says I'm her everything and always have been. That confuses me to this day. I asked her if I disappeared for those six months.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I've been told it was more of a rush coming home to the BS after the ''hook up" then the actual "hook up".

I use the term "rush" cuz it wasn't so much as a thrill but the fact that what she was doing was wrong and possibly coming home and getting busted for what she had just down.

After a while she realized I didn't care about her, or what she was up to. So with that said, there wasn't much of a thrill, rush, or anything for that matter... for me and the old lady it was just two ships passing in the night....well the early morning in our case.


----------



## tonedef (Aug 7, 2014)

The thrill was from being in love and having him, not the deceit. The guilt was there. He and I got married and have been for years. So the first time was exciting yes, but it still would have been had I been completely single. I am not your typical ws though. I was honest (would have been even if I didnt plan on leaving) I dont find the hiding and lies thrilling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

tonedef said:


> The thrill was from being in love and having him, not the deceit. The guilt was there. He and I got married and have been for years. So the first time was exciting yes, but it still would have been had I been completely single. I am not your typical ws though. I was honest (would have been even if I didnt plan on leaving) I dont find the hiding and lies thrilling.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That makes sense.
For Mrs. the-guy there wasn't any love, just the excitement of meeting someone new.

"Then there was fear.... what did I get my self into"


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

the guy said:


> I've been told it was more of a rush coming home to the BS after the ''hook up" then the actual "hook up".
> 
> I use the term "rush" cuz it wasn't so much as a thrill but the fact that what she was doing was wrong and possibly coming home and getting busted for what she had just down.
> 
> After a while she realized I didn't care about her, or what she was up to. So with that said, there wasn't much of a thrill, rush, or anything for that matter... for me and the old lady it was just two ships passing in the night....well the early morning in our case.


Really interesting.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

thatbpguy said:


> Really interesting.


More like "painfully interesting"


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

the guy said:


> More like "painfully interesting"


Yes, true. Sorry about that.


----------



## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

drifting on said:


> While I am the betrayed spouse I will tell you I found nothing thrilling about it. My WW did not use that word exactly but she found it flattering that he gave her so many compliments. OM found every word she ever spoke to be amazing. OM hung on her every word and made her feel so good. All I can say is she wasn't the first female to ever speak. OM found her attractive, witty and pleasant to talk to. Sad part is I did too. WW knows this now after the affair and says I'm her everything and always have been. That confuses me to this day. I asked her if I disappeared for those six months.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I suspect that she compartmentalized the two of you. And she never really expected to get caught.

We all learn to compartmentalize. For example it is also called "not bringing work home with you."

So no, you did not disappear for those six months. And it also explains how you could be her everything and always were.


----------



## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

Of course it is "thrilling" for WSs! The dopamine is running high, its addicting and those like my FWS loved the rush of danger that was part of the whole thing.

He was a pro at compartmentalizing, living a double life and the taboo nature of the sex was just an added allure. The constant challenge of trying to find time between two families and spouses to meet up, the disappointments of not being able to get together must have heightened the enjoyment so much more when they did. 

He has admitted that the positives of the A outweighed the negatives of marriage, but that now he doesn't feel any positives remain, he doesn't remember any thrills. 

But yet deep down in his heart I still wonder if he looks back on it as a thrill, with fondness....


----------



## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Forest said:


> This topic can up in another thread, where a poster remarked:
> 
> "Very , very few WS's have ever said that an affair was thrilling"
> 
> ...


Hi Forest. I must have missed it, but when I read your other thread concerning your wife's 20-year-old affair, I seem to remember that she was very contrite and remorseful about it. I don't recall her using the word "thrilling" to describe what she felt while it was going on.


----------



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

thummper said:


> Hi Forest. I must have missed it, but when I read your other thread concerning your wife's 20-year-old affair, I seem to remember that she was very contrite and remorseful about it. I don't recall her using the word "thrilling" to describe what she felt while it was going on.


She liked it at the time or else she wouldn't have done it. 

Why is this question even being posed?

Very few way wards are in affairs which are escapes from the everyday routine of marriage.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

staystrong said:


> She liked it at the time or else she wouldn't have done it.
> 
> Why is this question even being posed?
> 
> Very few way wards are in affairs which are escapes from the everyday routine of marriage.


Maybe that's true, but I guess Mrs. the-guy is one of the few....our everyday routine of marriage wasn't pretty, that's for sure.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Yes. Yes, of course they are thrilling.


----------



## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

no, they are like eating broccoli and drinking castor oil. Is THAT what you wanted to hear?


----------



## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

thummper said:


> Hi Forest. I must have missed it, but when I read your other thread concerning your wife's 20-year-old affair, I seem to remember that she was very contrite and remorseful about it. I don't recall her using the word "thrilling" to describe what she felt while it was going on.


Yes, she's contrite, remorseful, and much more mature now, obviously. 

This came out when I'd grill her about the why's and what's that were going on back then. She says it sickens her to talk or even think about, but we had many in depth talks.

She admits she was a horrible wife and mom, and that she behaved like an irresponsible, immature, flipped out nutjob. At one time she just shook her head, and said "at the time, it was thrilling". The word really struck me. Hurt to hear, but it was honest at least.

I think today it would be diagnosed as stress related PPD, probably. Which is still no good excuse. 

Anyway, that's why I was so skeptical about the whole idea that affairs are not "thrilling" for the participants. Makes no sense.


----------



## musashi (Apr 10, 2014)

Yes. There will be exceptions but in general I think most would say it is. Highest of highs and lowest of lows.


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I never had an affair so I can only assume that the fun (if that's what you want to call it) of sneaking off with another person and having sex is fun but there always has to be that fear of being caught, looking over your shoulder when you go into the motel room and always having to make sure that your lie is somewhat valid. Sooner or later though you trip over your own lie and I witnessed that fist hand and then..............hoo boy when the $h!t hits the fan it just keeps on coming. 

Then after two family's are destroyed is when you realize that a whole lot of people were hurt.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I think many who cheat do so because they are bored with the ordinariness of life and daily routine. So for awhile it's exciting and thrilling but I can't imagine that lasts long so I'm not sure what cheaters in long-term affairs are getting out if it once the thrill disappears. Probably that high is difficult to sustain over time. Maybe it settles into routine, just like the marriage, and eventually ends and the serial cheater then searches for another source. Of course, not all who cheat are serial cheaters but I would imagine chasing that high is addicting.


----------



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Openminded said:


> I think many who cheat do so because they are bored with the ordinariness of life and daily routine. So for awhile it's exciting and thrilling but I can't imagine that lasts long so I'm not sure what cheaters in long-term affairs are getting out if it once the thrill disappears. Probably that high is difficult to sustain over time. Maybe it settles into routine, just like the marriage, and eventually ends and the serial cheater then searches for another source. Of course, not all who cheat are serial cheaters but I would imagine chasing that high is addicting.


Funny how "boredom" is not something they mention friends and family as causes for the affair. Because, well, that would sound heinous. No one wants to be perceived as someone who risked their marriage and family (or destroyed their family) for love highs, thrills and eroticism. But that's what it comes down to. Trying to validate the affair by moving on with the AP and blaming the marriage is just so low... the amount of deception and manipulation required is mind boggling.


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

This is perhaps the silliest thread I've seen in quite some time. You ask if an affair is thrilling, and only BS's respond, with very few WS's bothering. It's like asking a group of Dogs if cats like dogs. How do they know?


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

This is just another attempt at a BS cop out. Perhaps it would be better to ask why so many WS'S end affairs, if they are so thrilling. If affairs are thrilling, it would seem that there would be Even more of them, when statistics show that most WS's only engage in one, and almost never repeat..


----------



## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Rookie4 said:


> This is perhaps the silliest thread I've seen in quite some time. You ask if an affair is thrilling, and only BS's respond, with very few WS's bothering. It's like asking a group of Dogs if cats like dogs. How do they know?


Well, maybe the cats told them at a time when they had no reason to lie.


----------



## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Rookie4 said:


> This is just another attempt at a BS cop out. Perhaps it would be better to ask why so many WS'S end affairs, if they are so thrilling. If affairs are thrilling, it would seem that there would be Even more of them, when statistics show that most WS's only engage in one, and almost never repeat..


I agree with you, that the OP is a rethoric question, of course it's thrilling. 

The reason why many (I don't know if it's most) only have one affair is, that experienced negative consequences outweighed the positive thrill of the affair - that's my opinion, but it's also why I don't engage in affairs - I think it would be thrilling, but I assume it's not worth the price.


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Statistics schmatistics. I take them with a large grain of salt. If it wasn't thrilling, they'd just leave without adding the problems that come with an affair.


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

cpacan said:


> Well, maybe the cats told them at a time when they had no reason to lie.


 I would like to hear more WS's comment, I already know what the BS'S are going to say.


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

cpacan said:


> I agree with you, that the OP is a rethoric question, of course it's thrilling.
> 
> The reason why many (I don't know if it's most) only have one affair is, that experienced negative consequences outweighed the positive thrill of the affair - that's my opinion, but it's also why I don't engage in affairs - I think it would be thrilling, but I assume it's not worth the price.


I agree and want to add that when a child is caught with his hand in the cookie jar, he says he only ate one...nearly every time.


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

cpacan said:


> I agree with you, that the OP is a rethoric question, of course it's thrilling.
> 
> The reason why many (I don't know if it's most) only have one affair is, that experienced negative consequences outweighed the positive thrill of the affair - that's my opinion, but it's also why I don't engage in affairs - I think it would be thrilling, but I assume it's not worth the price.


Has it ever occured to any of you that the affair is NOT thrilling at all, But is better than their marriage? I would guess that if you are constantly getting hit in the head, getting hit in the foot would be thrilling.


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> Statistics schmatistics. I take them with a large grain of salt. If it wasn't thrilling, they'd just leave without adding the problems that come with an affair.


That's not true at all. there are many reasons why people stay in marriages , besides the "thrill".


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> I agree and want to add that when a child is caught with his hand in the cookie jar, he says he only ate one...nearly every time.


Are you saying that every cheater is a serial cheater? Got any proof.?


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Rookie4 said:


> That's not true at all. there are many reasons why people stay in marriages , besides the "thrill".


This doesn't make sense. I don't think you understood what I was relating. 

If the affair wasn't thrilling, they would get out of the marriage first and then find someone else. The affair is thrilling, as evidenced by scientific studies associated with the brain and receiving pleasant comments, sex and feeling safer and more secure. 

What I wrote has nothing to do with whether or not the WS has been treated badly. Sometimes, what they perceive as bad treatment, is not. It is a matter of perception and wishing they had what someone else has.


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Rookie4 said:


> Are you saying that every cheater is a serial cheater? Got any proof.?


Nope. I don't think every cheater is a serial cheater.


----------



## musashi (Apr 10, 2014)

Rookie4 I am a WS and believe most would say it is thrilling. Mine was an intense year long EA with two occasions of inappropriate sexual touching, one included kissing. No sex of any kind. Sexting and many instances of hand holding touching arm or leg.


----------



## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Rookie4 said:


> This is perhaps the silliest thread I've seen in quite some time. You ask if an affair is thrilling, and only BS's respond, with very few WS's bothering. It's like asking a group of Dogs if cats like dogs. How do they know?


Of course you feel its silly when it proves you are wrong. If you support adultery, just come out and say it. Don't make things up, and hope others believe it. Do some research. The exhilaration of the affair is a well documented part of the formula. Accept reality.



Rookie4 said:


> This is just another attempt at a BS cop out. Perhaps it would be better to ask why so many WS'S end affairs, if they are so thrilling. If affairs are thrilling, it would seem that there would be Even more of them, when statistics show that most WS's only engage in one, and almost never repeat..


And wrong again. The is the second time you've made that inaccurate claim. The first time you were clearly shown to be wrong, but here it comes again.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209850-current-state-cwi-19.html

You make these blanket statement that are patently false, with nothing to back them up. Then, when called on it start demanding names and addresses.


"...According to an online survey of nearly 21,000 men and women who claimed to have had affairs, 60% of the men and half of the women were unfaithful more than once."

Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater & other Clichés: Myth or Fact? - Dr. Joy Davidson


----------



## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Rookie4 said:


> Has it ever occured to any of you that the affair is NOT thrilling at all, But is better than their marriage? I would guess that if you are constantly getting hit in the head, getting hit in the foot would be thrilling.


Yeah, I saw this one coming - all affairs are like painkillers caused by bad, bad marriages.

Did it ever occur to you, that not all marriages are bad, even if and when infidelity strikes?

Do you believe that people surf or skydive because they have nothing but sh1tty lives? Or could it be that it's because they want to?


----------



## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

It is all thrilling I suppose whether it is an EA or PA that lasts from 1 week to 6 months. I think the duration of an affair determines the motive of the WS. They had 6 months to participate in it and think about it. Affairs longer than 6 months is bigamy. Affairs after 6 months needs the BS included in the picture to sustain the affair thrill. Needs and wants, love language all that is bulls**t. People seem to have affairs because they are gluttons and feel entitled long before they ever got married, a testament to the mothering they hadn't received.


----------



## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

I have it in written words from txting how thrilling it was for h. He wishes he had done it months ago ! 

My good guess would be like the first time you do it with someone you really like, the chemistry is already there...like losing your virginity all over again, but this time you're not young, inexperience ... 

~sammy


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Forest said:


> Of course you feel its silly when it proves you are wrong. If you support adultery, just come out and say it. Don't make things up, and hope others believe it. Do some research. The exhilaration of the affair is a well documented part of the formula. Accept reality.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Dude, you can believe anything you want. But don't make claims you cannot prove. Quoting one secondary source, isn't proof of anything , except that you believe it. Claiming I am for adultery is a false statement, and again, one you cannot prove. You seem to think that just by stating something, everybody should agree with you. Well, I don't and my opinion is just as valid as yours.


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

cpacan said:


> Yeah, I saw this one coming - all affairs are like painkillers caused by bad, bad marriages.
> 
> Did it ever occur to you, that not all marriages are bad, even if and when infidelity strikes?
> 
> Do you believe that people surf or skydive because they have nothing but sh1tty lives? Or could it be that it's because they want to?


Cpacan, I thought that you were better than this. Show me where I ever said, in any thread, that ALL affairs are caused by bad marriages. You cannot. I might not agree with you, but I always thought that you were a fair minded person. Apparently I was wrong.


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Rookie4 said:


> This is just another attempt at a BS cop out. Perhaps it would be better to ask why so many WS'S end affairs, if they are so thrilling. If affairs are thrilling, it would seem that there would be Even more of them, when statistics show that most WS's only engage in one, and almost never repeat..


Affairs end because the initial thrill is gone, or they get caught, or their AP ends it.....


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Rookie4 said:


> Has it ever occured to any of you that the affair is NOT thrilling at all, But is better than their marriage? I would guess that if you are constantly getting hit in the head, getting hit in the foot would be thrilling.


Hmmmm.......

the marriage is flat and the betrayal is also flat so then why would they betray?


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> Affairs end because the initial thrill is gone, or thy get caught, or their AP ends it.....


I agree, and I'd venture to say that the AP is generally not a well thought out choice. S/he is a decision based primarily in emotion. Of course with the disclaimer, not in all cases.


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

sammy3 said:


> I have it in written words from txting how thrilling it was for h. He wishes he had done it months ago !
> 
> My good guess would be like the first time you do it with someone you really like, the chemistry is already there...like losing your virginity all over again, but this time you're not young, inexperience ...
> 
> ~sammy


Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, don't let Rookie4 see your post. Betrayals are never ever thrilling. They're actually like having teeth extracted without anesthesia.


----------



## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Rookie4 said:


> Cpacan, I thought that you were better than this. Show me where I ever said, in any thread, that ALL affairs are caused by bad marriages. You cannot. I might not agree with you, but I always thought that you were a fair minded person. Apparently I was wrong.


It seems I stretched it a bit by saying "all", I also try to be better than that - most of the time.

Quote: "If you cheat, then something is wrong. If you are COMPLETELY satisfied with your marriage and wife, then why go looking for trouble? It makes no sense, not even from a wayward."

The above is a quote from one of your posts to me, there are others, and they just rub me the wrong way (I don't know why, but I'll work on that, so that I don't take it personal). I read posts like this as if you can't believe that infidelity occurs in, what most people would refer to as, normal and happy marriages.

Quote: "Has it ever occured to any of you that the affair is NOT thrilling at all, But is better than their marriage?" 

When you say this, I think it sounds like you are saying that either the affair is good, or the marriage is bad - wouldn't you agree?


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> I agree, and I'd venture to say that the AP is generally not a well thought out choice. S/he is a decision based primarily in emotion. Of course with the disclaimer, not in all cases.


Well, at least you are honest enough to admit that affairs are different and not according to one scenerio.


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> Affairs end because the initial thrill is gone, or they get caught, or their AP ends it.....


See, you make these sweeping statements without a single grain of proof. If you had said that SOME affairs end because of these reasons, I would have agreed with you.


----------



## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

tonedef said:


> The H got treated like crap and is still there. Losing him was never a real threat.


Wow. Does he know you view him this way? Poor bastard.


----------



## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Rookie4 said:


> This is perhaps the silliest thread I've seen in quite some time. You ask if an affair is thrilling, and only BS's respond, with very few WS's bothering. It's like asking a group of Dogs if cats like dogs. How do they know?


What the heck has happened to you Rookie?


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

cpacan said:


> It seems I stretched it a bit by saying "all", I also try to be better than that - most of the time.
> 
> Quote: "If you cheat, then something is wrong. If you are COMPLETELY satisfied with your marriage and wife, then why go looking for trouble? It makes no sense, not even from a wayward."
> 
> ...


No, I would not. What it shows is three major points. 1. The reasons for affairs are as different as the participants, and the reactions TO affairs are just as different. To paint all WS's as evil and all BS's as good is unfair and not true. 2. If a marriage is "normal and happy" then why did someone go outside of it? Apparently ONE of the partners is NOT " normal and happy" . AS has been said before, affairs do not happen in a vaccuum. 3. Speaking of "normal and happy", how many BS's have the guts to admit that half or more of the marital problems are theirs? Very few. Either BS's are the most clueless people on earth or they are simply not telling the truth.
You and I have both read post after post of a BS proclaiming his innocence, and railing at the WS about facing their responsibilities, well, all I'm saying is that it goes both ways.
BS's will , literally blame the affair on anything and everything. BPguy blames it on the "thrill", someone else blames it on the AP, someone else blames it on just about anything you can name, but very few will man up and admit that they were not the spouse that they claim to be. I freely admit that at the time of my wife's affair, I was not a good husband, and could have done more to make my marriage better.


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

larry.gray said:


> What the heck has happened to you Rookie?


To be frank, Larry. I have gotten tired of the BSs whining and bashing. As if they are angels and the WS is some sort of wh*re. I have decided that fair play for all is the best motto.


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Rookie4 said:


> No, I would not. What it shows is three major points. 1. The reasons for affairs are as different as the participants, and the reactions TO affairs are just as different. To paint all WS's as evil and all BS's as good is unfair and not true. 2. If a marriage is "normal and happy" then why did someone go outside of it? Apparently ONE of the partners is NOT " normal and happy" . AS has been said before, affairs do not happen in a vaccuum. 3. Speaking of "normal and happy", how many BS's have the guts to admit that half or more of the marital problems are theirs? Very few. Either BS's are the most clueless people on earth or they are simply not telling the truth.
> You and I have both read post after post of a BS proclaiming his innocence, and railing at the WS about facing their responsibilities, well, all I'm saying is that it goes both ways.
> BS's will , literally blame the affair on anything and everything. BPguy blames it on the "thrill", someone else blames it on the AP, someone else blames it on just about anything you can name, but very few will man up and admit that they were not the spouse that they claim to be. I freely admit that at the time of my wife's affair, I was not a good husband, and could have done more to make my marriage better.


Pretty interesting. I disagree in some areas and agree with others. Mostly I disagree in areas where you put the blame of the affair on the BS, even a small part of it. The affair is, was and always will be the choice of the WS. It is not caused by the poor choices and actions or inactions of the BS. The bad marriage and a subsequent divorce can be partially attributed to each spouse. Sometimes, a bad marriage and subsequent divorce can be blamed almost entirely on one spouse. 

That's the only place I disagree with you and others on this.

Read what tonedef posted on page one.


----------



## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Rookie4 said:


> To be frank, Larry. I have gotten tired of the BSs whining and bashing. As if they are angels and the WS is some sort of wh*re. I have decided that fair play for all is the best motto.


We can always count on you for some comic gold.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

@Rookie4,
I learned a lot from my old lady... we talked for days about her second life.
I think I quilify...and as any one that's been here a while knows 1) I'm was a angel, a dark angel and 2) I still can't spell.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

That "@" stuff is old school... before we had a "Quote" button.lol


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> Pretty interesting. I disagree in some areas and agree with others. Mostly I disagree in areas where you put the blame of the affair on the BS, even a small part of it. The affair is, was and always will be the choice of the WS. It is not caused by the poor choices and actions or inactions of the BS. The bad marriage and a subsequent divorce can be partially attributed to each spouse. Sometimes, a bad marriage and subsequent divorce can be blamed almost entirely on one spouse.
> 
> That's the only place I disagree with you and others on this.
> 
> Read what tonedef posted on page one.


Then you mis read my post. NEVER, have I ever said that the BS is to blame for the affair. Not in any of my posts or threads.


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Also, Cpacan, you will notice that never in my statement, do I say that ALL BS's behave this way. AND NEVER, have I ever said that adultery was Ok. That is what I mean about "putting words in my mouth , that I didn't say".


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Rookie4 said:


> Then you mis read my post. NEVER, have I ever said that the BS is to blame for the affair. Not in any of my posts or threads.


It may be your style of writing. I've seen things written similarly by others.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Rookie4 said:


> To be frank, Larry. I have gotten tired of the BSs whining and bashing. As if they are angels and the WS is some sort of wh*re. I have decided that fair play for all is the best motto.


I thought you had gotten yourself crushed being forced in a cuckholded position and cheated on and used as a plan B beta-provider. Now you are bashing the BS?


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

the guy said:


> @Rookie4,
> I learned a lot from my old lady... we talked for days about her second life.
> I think I quilify...and as any one that's been here a while knows 1) I'm was a angel, a dark angel and 2) I still can't spell.


One of my family member has been banging wives since his Army days. It's a point of pride of his.


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

treyvion said:


> I thought you had gotten yourself crushed being forced in a cuckholded position and cheated on and used as a plan B beta-provider. Now you are bashing the BS?


Another internet tough guy.


----------



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Rookie4 said:


> To be frank, Larry. I have gotten tired of the BSs whining and bashing. As if they are angels and the WS is some sort of wh*re. I have decided that fair play for all is the best motto.


*Pre-Affair*

Good-----WS/BS----|----------------Evil


Enter: Attraction + Opportunity + Lack of boundaries


Result: Affair


*During Affair* 

Good-----BS---------|-------WS----Evil


That's sort of the way I see it in my own case.

Sorry if you have a problem with that, Rookie.


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

staystrong said:


> *Pre-Affair*
> 
> Good-----WS/BS----|----------------Evil
> 
> ...


This is better than most.
pre affair......both have issues. Responsibility.....both

During affair..... despair.....bad judgement.......no communication
result... affair..... fault..... WS


----------



## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Rookie4 said:


> Dude, you can believe anything you want. But don't make claims you cannot prove. Quoting one secondary source, isn't proof of anything , except that you believe it. Claiming I am for adultery is a false statement, and again, one you cannot prove. You seem to think that just by stating something, everybody should agree with you. Well, I don't and my opinion is just as valid as yours.


Figures. 

You're the one making false claims you're completely incapable of backing up. You seem to have never learned not to state your opinions as facts. You make stuff up, I've stated opinions, cited facts, and then confirmed them among posters here.

Remember, you say no one gets a thrill from cheating, and almost no one ever does it twice. False on its face. You're an ostrich.


----------



## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Rookie4 said:


> To be frank, Larry. I have gotten tired of the BSs whining and bashing. As if they are angels and the WS is some sort of wh*re. I have decided that fair play for all is the best motto.


This is hilarious. "like the WS is some sort of wh0re"...well, bust my buttons, why wouldn't anyone do that?

"fair play for all"....right after defending lying, cheating, wh0res. They're the ones who don't understand the concept of fair play in the first place.

Rookie must work for a politician to talk this much contradictory crap in back to back sentences. Must be dizzying living in a world with no true north.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Rookie4 said:


> Another internet tough guy.


I'm just cynical. I'm not tough behind this at all. If someone thinks they are that good to cheat on me and have me take care of them, they have something else coming

That's reality.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Rookie4 said:


> To be frank, Larry. I have gotten tired of the BSs whining and bashing. As if they are angels and the WS is some sort of wh*re. I have decided that fair play for all is the best motto.


Many WS male or female did go on a "wh*re" run. It's not usually about a bad relationship at all, but simply some greed and knowing they can do it.

Occasionally the sex starved and ignored will cheat, but look around here for how long these types will remain loyal and even question looking outside the relationship.

A affair isn't better than a good marriage. It's a bunch of bs, it is a "thrill" because you aren't supposed to get caught, so it heightens all the senses behind it.

When people are caught and even if they are not, lives are damaged, and some damaged irreparibally.

I think I heard you defending a bashing and cheating wife before, who was basically being a cruel and callous wh*re, bshing the one who loves her and defending the one(s) who only use her body, saying you prescribe to a regiment where if you saw a man bashed by his spouse that you would likely pile on also.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Rookie4 said:


> This is better than most.
> pre affair......both have issues. Responsibility.....both
> 
> During affair..... despair.....bad judgement.......no communication
> result... affair..... fault..... WS


The BS may have had the sole responsibility in that they let someone build themselves up who has little respect for them and treats them badly. And thusly allowing this to continue on they get cheated on.:smthumbup:


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I submit, an affair isn't better than divorce, either.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> I submit, an affair isn't better than divorce, either.


What if you tell him or her before doing anything? Then it's not cheating.


----------



## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Rookie4 said:


> To be frank, Larry. I have gotten tired of the BSs whining and bashing. As if they are angels and the WS is some sort of wh*re. I have decided that fair play for all is the best motto.


So you're getting upset that one group is lumping all of the other into one camp and painting them with the same brush?

And then in the process you're doing the same thing?


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

treyvion said:


> What if you tell him or her before doing anything? Then it's not cheating.




That's just abuse. It's shaming. It's a threat to emotionally harm the potential BS if they do not comply with whatever is wanted. I don't agree with that. 

Again, let me qualify that with, it may work in some marriages. I doubt it is very common.

It's cheating in my book.

What if she came to you and asked if you thought bj's were sex, or maybe handjobs? Can she claim the next time she gives another man a bj or hj that you approved if you answer in general that they are not the same as sexual intercourse? They aren't. They are sex. They are an intimate betrayal. Would you then say that it's okay for a man to give her head or hand?

There are all kinds of gray areas. We can play with semantics all day long.


----------



## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

BS's will literally blame the affair on anything and everything? 

The two people who are to blame for my WS's affair are my WS and his xAP. 

I've always taken responsibility for my part in our marital problems, pre and post affair. However, I am not to blame for other adults' choices made in secret behind my back. 

I most certainly have the guts to acknowledge where I have gone wrong - always have, always will - but never will I accept that sticking one's d*ck in an AP's VJJ will solve a husband's problems with his wife. Or vice versa, whatever.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> That's just abuse. It's shaming. It's a threat to emotionally harm the potential BS if they do not comply with whatever is wanted. I don't agree with that.
> 
> Again, let me qualify that with, it may work in some marriages. I doubt it is very common.
> 
> ...


If someone made up excuses for a year or six months why they can't be intimate with you, and you have all this time vested, you may just decide to let them know if they don't meet your needs you will get them met elsewhere. I don't think it's wrong or shaming.

Also if someone cheats on you, to cheat on them back in return I don't think anything is that wrong with that either.


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

treyvion said:


> If someone made up excuses for a year or six months why they can't be intimate with you, and you have all this time vested, you may just decide to let them know if they don't meet your needs you will get them met elsewhere. I don't think it's wrong or shaming.
> 
> Also if someone cheats on you, to cheat on them back in return I don't think anything is that wrong with that either.


I hear ya. It's tit for tat. I don't like that game. It isn't productive. Best to just get a divorce. All will come out better in the end.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

In my case it was so much of a tit for tat or even a thrill for my old lady. At the end of the day we were...well we thought we were happier doing our own thing apart from each other.

I guess we did divorce...but who needs a piece of paper...right

Some of you folks that have been living together for a long time and don't want to get married might understand this.


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

larry.gray said:


> So you're getting upset that one group is lumping all of the other into one camp and painting them with the same brush?
> 
> And then in the process you're doing the same thing?


Didn't I say that not ALL BS's act like this. I believe I did. I clearly stated that not ALL BS's are guilty.


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Forest said:


> Figures.
> 
> You're the one making false claims you're completely incapable of backing up. You seem to have never learned not to state your opinions as facts. You make stuff up, I've stated opinions, cited facts, and then confirmed them among posters here.
> 
> Remember, you say no one gets a thrill from cheating, and almost no one ever does it twice. False on its face. You're an ostrich.[/QUOTE You never prove anything because you cannot, and so you attack, because you cannot defend.


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

treyvion said:


> I'm just cynical. I'm not tough behind this at all. If someone thinks they are that good to cheat on me and have me take care of them, they have something else coming
> 
> That's reality.


Reality is that when your spouse cheats, you divorce them and get on with your life. But it is also admitting that you make mistakes too. I suppose you are one who believes that he is blameless for the marriage.


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> I hear ya. It's tit for tat. I don't like that game. It isn't productive. Best to just get a divorce. All will come out better in the end.


I agree that divorce is the best option, it was the one I took. But a lot of posters are trying to R, so we have to work with the info that is given by them, and not distort their posts or make false statement about them. That is why it is so important to be accurate when replying to a poster. To avoid misunderstandings. To make blanket statements for ALL BS's is wrong, just as making blanket statements for ALL WS's is wrong.


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Forest said:


> This is hilarious. "like the WS is some sort of wh0re"...well, bust my buttons, why wouldn't anyone do that?
> 
> "fair play for all"....right after defending lying, cheating, wh0res. They're the ones who don't understand the concept of fair play in the first place.
> 
> Rookie must work for a politician to talk this much contradictory crap in back to back sentences. Must be dizzying living in a world with no true north.


You see. I clearly stated that the affair was the fault of the WS. Clearly But you continue to make false statements about me, so you are not worth talking to.


----------



## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Rookie4 said:


> Didn't I say that not ALL BS's act like this. I believe I did. I clearly stated that not ALL BS's are guilty.


I don't see that in your comment I replied to:



Rookie4 said:


> To be frank, Larry. I have gotten tired of the BSs whining and bashing. As if they are angels and the WS is some sort of wh*re. I have decided that fair play for all is the best motto.


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

larry.gray said:


> I don't see that in your comment I replied to:


You are assuming that I "lump" all BS's together, which , if you had read my posts, you would know is not the case. I have clearly stated that Fair play for all is my motto. Fair play for BS's as well as WS's. So are you saying that you do NOT believe in fair treatment?


----------



## Threetimesalady (Dec 22, 2010)

IMO, any kind of sex that is arousing and near sinful is thrilling...Come to think of it, it was a sin...Mine was not full SI, but I let that jerk have his way pretty much with me...He was older...I was young and emotionally immature....Horny, hot, too over confident...You name it, I was at that age in my life...

However, as I have aged I have looked back at that time in my life and what I did and how hot I was with a bit of a smile...The reason being other than my husband, he was the only man that ever touched me sexually and for me this was a good thing...I was far too hot to trot and didn't know my way around the block.....Ah, the joys of youth...I was young and both lacked good judgment and too much a cat on a hot tin roof....I think that is one of the reasons I write on this site...I am all the ages of woman and remember them well...We have a great marriage...


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Forest said:


> This topic can up in another thread, where a poster remarked:
> 
> "Very , very few WS's have ever said that an affair was thrilling"
> 
> ...


Most definitely.

The risk, taboo, new lover, new sensations, the spontaneity, the rush of excitement.

Most definitely thrilling


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Threetimesalady said:


> IMO, any kind of sex that is arousing and near sinful is thrilling...Come to think of it, it was a sin...Mine was not full SI, but I let that jerk have his way pretty much with me...He was older...I was young and emotionally immature....Horny, hot, too over confident...You name it, I was at that age in my life...
> 
> However, as I have aged I have looked back at that time in my life and what I did and how hot I was with a bit of a smile...The reason being other than my husband, he was the only man that ever touched me sexually and for me this was a good thing...I was far too hot to trot and didn't know my way around the block.....Ah, the joys of youth...Sinful as it was, it helped me be who I am now...and I do rock his boat....


Did this incident with the older man take place while you were married to your husband?


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Rookie4 said:


> Reality is that when your spouse cheats, you divorce them and get on with your life. But it is also admitting that you make mistakes too. I suppose you are one who believes that he is blameless for the marriage.


I agree. Why fight for someone who cheats on you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Threetimesalady (Dec 22, 2010)

Rookie4 said:


> Did this incident with the older man take place while you were married to your husband?


Lord no...This was before marriage, but for a woman it could and was an awakening experience...I could never call it thrilling, but maybe for me necessary....It taught me the true dynamics of sex...That you are playing with fire...That what could start out as something simple could quickly grow into a place you didn't want to be....For me it was good...I find that I am a very sexually oriented woman...This is not bad, but can be for some who do not keep this under control...


----------



## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

I would say to a extent, but for me back in my philandering days it was variety and newness that made it fun. Not a "thrill" like we loved each other or she was my soul mate, but just a new piece of strange, the way she kissed, gave BJ's, how she felt, etc etc that was the appealing part.


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

The more I think about it, the more I am inclined to believe that for some WS'S the affair probably was thrilling, especially if the WS wasn't getting thrilled at home. So what we have here, is a choice. Either the affair was thrilling, which implies that the BS wasn't doing the job. Or the affair was a desperate attempt by a seriously unhappy person, craving attention. Either way, it was the fault of the WS. He/she could have ended it or could have demanded that they be satisfied. Both would have been better than cheating.


----------



## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Rookie4 said:


> The more I think about it, the more I am inclined to believe that for some WS'S the affair probably was thrilling, *especially if the WS wasn't getting thrilled at home.*


Fallacy of presupposition.

The OM doesn't have to deal with bills, cleaning, kids throwing fits or dirty diapers. How's a BS supposed to compete with that?


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

larry.gray said:


> Fallacy of presupposition.
> 
> The OM doesn't have to deal with bills, cleaning, kids throwing fits or dirty diapers. How's a BS supposed to compete with that?


Pretty much if they are in the "thrill game", each new guy especially ones they haven't had yet will have more appeal than the tried and true.

The pickup game ( and I don't mean pickup artists ) has an entirely different thrill and excitement to it than real life one on one relationships. 

Even then there are still things you can do as a man or a woman.

1. Stay competitive in physical attractiveness with the single market. 
2. Have a bunch of hobbies and blocks of time that are all for you
3. Stay busy, have outside friends
4. Be adventurous with sex. It's something you can continually get better at or add new and interesting techniques
5. Don't take a lot of crap from your relationship partner. Insist that they treat you good and spend time with you at least one date night a week.

Still if someone gets on a run with girls or guys who are out on the prowl, they may get addicted to and want a taste of "the hunt" and this is what the pickup game is mostly about.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Most definitely.
> 
> The risk, taboo, new lover, new sensations, the spontaneity, the rush of excitement.
> 
> Most definitely thrilling


Also important, and thrilling, is the attention and validation they get from that new person. It takes a person out of their ordinary self and makes them feel like a million bucks and makes them feel like they are exciting and thrilling themselves instead of just ordinary, boring mom/wife/dad/husband.


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

larry.gray said:


> Fallacy of presupposition.
> 
> The OM doesn't have to deal with bills, cleaning, kids throwing fits or dirty diapers. How's a BS supposed to compete with that?


Like every other spouse who deals with it and doesn't have an affair or have a partner who has had one. Once again, this is an excuse, not a reason. Many marriages have the same issues and cheating doesn't occur. You can have a family and still be thrilling, can't you? The thrill is gone only if you let it go.


----------



## loyallad (Aug 1, 2014)

Rookie4 said:


> Like every other spouse who deals with it and doesn't have an affair or have a partner who has had one. Once again, this is an excuse, not a reason. Many marriages have the same issues and cheating doesn't occur. You can have a family and still be thrilling, can't you? The thrill is gone only if you let it go.


Rookie I think you're missing Larry's point. WS seldom see the OP in daily mundane tasks as Larry listed but the BS is usually seen at "less than thrilling" times. It's hard for the BS to be judged equally, some of the times the judging is skewed heavily to OP because the WS wants it to be that way.


----------



## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

Rookie4 said:


> No, I would not. What it shows is three major points. 1. The reasons for affairs are as different as the participants, and the reactions TO affairs are just as different. To paint all WS's as evil and all BS's as good is unfair and not true. 2. If a marriage is "normal and happy" then why did someone go outside of it? Apparently ONE of the partners is NOT " normal and happy" . AS has been said before, affairs do not happen in a vaccuum. 3. Speaking of "normal and happy", how many BS's have the guts to admit that half or more of the marital problems are theirs? Very few. Either BS's are the most clueless people on earth or they are simply not telling the truth.
> You and I have both read post after post of a BS proclaiming his innocence, and railing at the WS about facing their responsibilities, well, all I'm saying is that it goes both ways.
> BS's will , literally blame the affair on anything and everything. BPguy blames it on the "thrill", someone else blames it on the AP, someone else blames it on just about anything you can name, but very few will man up and admit that they were not the spouse that they claim to be. I freely admit that at the time of my wife's affair, I was not a good husband, and could have done more to make my marriage better.


For God's sake..Two people got MARRIED. IT IS NEVER ONLY ONE WHO IS UNHAPPY. It is only one who chooses to get stuck or stick it for their so-called "unhappiness"! The BS never saw sticking or being stuck as the SOLUTION to their marital unhappiness! How dare you believe for one minute that a BS is always 100% happy in a marriage and how dare you believe that a WS is "the" perfect partner? If I had your opinion and my WS's solution to his unhappiness, I would not have turned down any of the many men who approached me for affairs throughout my 17 years of a mixed-bag marriage. There is something called a DIVORCE. One person cannot keep a marriage together. You file a divorce if you are so unhappy with your BS that you are willing to forfeit their trust behind their back.


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Calibre1212 said:


> For God's sake..Two people got MARRIED. IT IS NEVER ONLY ONE WHO IS UNHAPPY. It is only one who chooses to get stuck or stick it for their so-called "unhappiness"! The BS never saw sticking or being stuck as the SOLUTION to their marital unhappiness! How dare you believe for one minute that a BS is always 100% happy in a marriage and how dare you believe that a WS is "the" perfect partner? If I had your opinion and my WS's solution to his unhappiness, I would not have turned down any of the many men who approached me for affairs throughout my 17 years of a mixed-bag marriage. There is something called a DIVORCE. One person cannot keep a marriage together. You file a divorce if you are so unhappy with your BS that you are willing to forfeit their trust behind their back.


When did I say that the WS was the perfect partner? Find it and get back to me with proof. Otherwise don't put words in my mouth that I did not say.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Some folks think they can generalize this infidelity crap....you cant.

The reason for cheating vary as much as the folks that have to cope/have them.

Granted there is a script, but in the end there is always something that brings a twist to anyone persons story.


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

the guy said:


> Some folks think they can generalize this infidelity crap....you cant.
> 
> The reason for cheating vary as much as the folks that have to cope/have them.
> 
> Granted there is a script, but in the end there is always something that brings a twist to anyone persons story.


Absolutely right. Every marriage is different, so every affair is different.


----------



## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

*Sv: Re: Are affairs thrilling?*



Rookie4 said:


> Absolutely right. Every marriage is different, so every affair is different.


Do you have proof to back up this statement?


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

*Re: Sv: Re: Are affairs thrilling?*



cpacan said:


> Do you have proof to back up this statement?


Show me two affairs that are identical?


----------



## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

*Re: Sv: Re: Are affairs thrilling?*



Rookie4 said:


> Show me two affairs that are identical?


It was your statement, and this isn't proof of you statement, which I think you very well know


----------



## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

*Re: Sv: Re: Are affairs thrilling?*



Rookie4 said:


> Show me two affairs that are identical?


Show me 2 WSs that are identical and 2 BSs and 2 APs then (2 marriages, 2 divorces), while your are affair-justification-tunnel-visioned. Do the research yourself, there are more similarities in WS than the 3. While you are doing that look up the most irresponsible, fracturing act a spouse can do to his/her marriage partner then have the audacity to blame the BS for their significantly less than honorable deeds. It is a presumption I believe, that WSs think that other people do not find their "BS" attractive too but the only thing they got stuck with from a BS was a bird. That was ONLY because of a belief system that a BS has that a WS does not. It was never because a BS was having their needs met by their "so-attentive" spouse. What do you think Rookie, that all human beings aren't programmed for thrills? Or is it only WSs & APs? Don't even bother minimizing the "thrill" of an affair.

I suppose in your book of facts, it is thrilling to deceive and betray someone who trusts you and is loyal to you, not because you are worth it but simply because they are of some measure of calibre. For the sake of a libidinal urge...Because that's what it boils down to...the libidinal urge...In which case, then, marriages are made up of two sets of people: Ones that can control their urges and ones that cannot. Let's open up this tunnel, shall we?

PS It isn't what you "state", it is what you insinuate.


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

*Re: Sv: Re: Are affairs thrilling?*



cpacan said:


> It was your statement, and this isn't proof of you statement, which I think you very well know


Actually , I was being facetous. It is too easy to prove. If affairs were the same, then the participants would also be the same and the situation would be the same and the circumstances would be the same, and everything would be the same. Is any of this true? There you have your proof.


----------



## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Rookie4 said:


> Absolutely right. Every marriage is different, so every affair is different.


But they all share one thing in common, don't they?


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

*Re: Sv: Re: Are affairs thrilling?*



Calibre1212 said:


> Show me 2 WSs that are identical and 2 BSs and 2 APs then (2 marriages, 2 divorces), while your are affair-justification-tunnel-visioned. Do the research yourself, there are more similarities in WS than the 3. While you are doing that look up the most irresponsible, fracturing act a spouse can do to his/her marriage partner then have the audacity to blame the BS for their significantly less than honorable deeds. It is a presumption I believe, that WSs think that other people do not find their "BS" attractive too but the only thing they got stuck with from a BS was a bird. That was ONLY because of a belief system that a BS has that a WS does not. It was never because a BS was having their needs met by their "so-attentive" spouse. What do you think Rookie, that all human beings aren't programmed for thrills? Or is it only WSs & APs? Don't even bother minimizing the "thrill" of an affair.
> 
> I suppose in your book of facts, it is thrilling to deceive and betray someone who trusts you and is loyal to you, not because you are worth it but simply because they are of some measure of calibre. For the sake of a libidinal urge...Because that's what it boils down to...the libidinal urge...In which case, then, marriages are made up of two sets of people: Ones that can control their urges and ones that cannot. Let's open up this tunnel, shall we?
> 
> PS It isn't what you "state", it is what you insinuate.


In other words...opinion. Frankly, I don't care what you think you know, I'm only interested in fair play for all. So...you are entitled to your opinion. I disagree with it, but support your right to have it.


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Healer said:


> True. But they all share one thing in common, don't they?


Actually, I think that they share two things in common. Marriage and adultery. But that doesn't make them the same. As I said before, lumping all WS's together is wrong as is lumping all BS's together.


----------



## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Rookie4 said:


> Actually, I think that they share two things in common. Marriage and adultery. But that doesn't make them the same. As I said before, lumping all WS's together is wrong as is lumping all BS's together.


I meant that they are all heinous, cruel acts of deceit.


----------



## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

*Re: Sv: Re: Are affairs thrilling?*



Rookie4 said:


> In other words...opinion. Frankly, I don't care what you think you know, I'm only interested in fair play for all. So...you are entitled to your opinion. I disagree with it, but support your right to have it.


It is more than opinion my friend, more than a perception too...It is called a fact...Because I experienced it and I lived it. That makes it a FACT. Yours is an opinion, you have never been a BS, I suppose. Who cares. Justify your calibrelessness, all you wish, it ain't gonna give you one iota more of what you never had in the first place. 

You know, so sorry I am a lil bit schooled in psychology because when I came to TAM and wrapped my mind around the fog, trickle-truthing, gaslighting, re-writing history etc. and tried it on him, more than once for predictability and reliability (Let's even say I ran my own ANOVAs)...I got some serious attention from him...Then decided who the hecks wants someone THAT fickle?...Yes, I flipped the script...Started being on my phone 24/7, ignoring him and "daydreaming" with a hell of a 24/7 smile etched permanently on my face, laughing more, being more fabulous daily, without doing the deed and he couldn't hold up in it for more than 17 seconds as I had held up in it for 17 years. He started to lose ground. Why? Because he thought I was doing to him behind his back, what he was always doing to me behind mine. He wore my 17 year old shoes for a lil while. 

So let me tell you...I walked away knowing I am just, I am loyal, I am fair, I am generous, I am kind, I give the benefit of the doubt and I have character and a belief system that serves me well and the only thing was I had been giving my pearls to swine. That's not too hard to recover knowing now what I am made of. Don't blame me for not being thrilling when my WS was boring as hell and I still was resourceful enough to find a way to stay with him that long without needing to get stuck by a foreign prick.


----------



## loyallad (Aug 1, 2014)

*Re: Sv: Re: Are affairs thrilling?*



Rookie4 said:


> In other words...opinion. Frankly, I don't care what you think you know, I'm only interested in fair play for all. So...you are entitled to your opinion. I disagree with it, but support your right to have it.


What is up with this "fair play for all"? Are you defending WS actions because of what? That there is reasons WS cheat? That it's somehow justified? That somehow the marriage losing it's magic is all the BS fault. Don't get what your driving at? Adultery and problems in a marriage are two separate things. One may have a bearing on the other but they are not the same. Opting to have an affair over MC, improving communication and even divorce is just the selfish way out. At the end of the day the affair is strictly about the WS and damn the consequences. And that is way worse than a BS not being thrilling enough for the WS. As for "fair play for all" since when did cheating on your spouse become equal to whatever problems there are in a marriage? If you don't like BS comments about their WS you're in the wrong place. Don't believe anyone is perfect, BS or WS. And yes there are probably some BS with a lot wrong with them and the actions they do in their marriages. The thing you need to remember is a lot of people on here are extremely hurt and devastated by their WS actions. If these BS want to vent they have every right. Betrayal by your spouse can be the deepest cut of all.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I wonder if there any CWI threads left these days that don't devolve into pointless argumentative exercises


----------



## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

Yes, I gave him back his FR "brownie points" especially when I discovered he had the audacity to believe he was the one giving me "the" second chance. Yawn.


----------



## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Just wanted to pop in and say that the sky is blue, the sun is hot, and cheaters are inconsiderate.


----------



## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Forest said:


> Just wanted to pop in and say that the sky is blue, the sun is hot, and cheaters are inconsiderate.


Prove it!?


----------



## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Exactly. We're about one thread away from hearing something along the lines of "they only cheated to help you".


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Healer said:


> I meant that they are all heinous, cruel acts of deceit.


 That would be the adultery part. Although the marriage part is no bed of roses , either.


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> I wonder if there any CWI threads left these days that don't devolve into pointless argumentative exercises


Probably not. Unless you believe that there aren't, in which case there probably are


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

*Re: Sv: Re: Are affairs thrilling?*



loyallad said:


> What is up with this "fair play for all"? Are you defending WS actions because of what? That there is reasons WS cheat? That it's somehow justified? That somehow the marriage losing it's magic is all the BS fault. Don't get what your driving at? Adultery and problems in a marriage are two separate things. One may have a bearing on the other but they are not the same. Opting to have an affair over MC, improving communication and even divorce is just the selfish way out. At the end of the day the affair is strictly about the WS and damn the consequences. And that is way worse than a BS not being thrilling enough for the WS. As for "fair play for all" since when did cheating on your spouse become equal to whatever problems there are in a marriage? If you don't like BS comments about their WS you're in the wrong place. Don't believe anyone is perfect, BS or WS. And yes there are probably some BS with a lot wrong with them and the actions they do in their marriages. The thing you need to remember is a lot of people on here are extremely hurt and devastated by their WS actions. If these BS want to vent they have every right. Betrayal by your spouse can be the deepest cut of all.


None of the above. Fair play for all means exactly that. All posters are treated with civility and respect. No posters are bashed or insulted or called names, or ganged up on, and each poster gets to have his say, without the acrimony.


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Healer said:


> I meant that they are all heinous, cruel acts of deceit.


 . Adultery is just about as bad as it gets in a marriage. I am in full agreement.


----------



## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

*Sv: Re: Are affairs thrilling?*



Rookie4 said:


> . Adultery is just about as bad as it gets in a marriage. I am in full agreement.


Rookie, is that you?


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Forest said:


> Exactly. We're about one thread away from hearing something along the lines of "they only cheated to help you".


Maybe it's true, so you could stop wasting your time and attention on them.


----------



## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> I wonder if there any CWI threads left these days that don't devolve into pointless argumentative exercises


I'm getting the tingly feeling that the forum is about to have fewer active members really soon.


----------



## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

treyvion said:


> Maybe it's true, so you could stop wasting your time and attention on them.


Well said...Now that's a 21 gun salute from me to you Treyvion


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

*Re: Sv: Re: Are affairs thrilling?*



cpacan said:


> Rookie, is that you?


Yep, Lil OL Me. What some posters can't wrap their minds around, is that I will defend a WS's right to tell his/her story without fear or bashing, and not agree with the WS, at all. 
There are some WS's I have a high regard for, there are some WS's I think are disgusting, and bat sh*t crazy. There are some BS's who are wise and intelligent, and there are some who are hatemongers. I'm not going to mention names, because I don't want to get banned again. BTW, I was once banned for advocating violence against my wife's AP. True, you can look it up.


----------



## loyallad (Aug 1, 2014)

Rookie4 said:


> That would be the adultery part. Although the marriage part is no bed of roses , either.


Irony of the analogy is roses come with lots of thorns.

With that in mind marriage can compare to roses. Left to their own they become bushy overgrown shrubs. They require grooming, pruning, care for disease and pests. Some may not find this very "thrilling" stuff.


----------



## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

Let's hope so.


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

loyallad said:


> Irony of the analogy is roses come with lots of thorns.
> 
> With that in mind marriage can compare to roses. Left to their own they become bushy overgrown shrubs. They require grooming, pruning, care for disease and pests. Some may not find this very "thrilling" stuff.


It isn't thrilling if you regard it as a chore. It can be thrilling if you regard it as making things grow. That was the problem in our marriage. For 20+ years we were on the same page, but for the last two years it was a chore.


----------



## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Isn't it even sadder if it's not thrilling? 

Here the WS is doing something with utter disregard to how they are ripping the heart out of their BS and stomping on it. If they aren't at least having a good time themselves while they do it, then it's even more pathetic.


----------



## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

For all that it COSTS and all that it's WORTH...It had better be damn thrilling...Indeed!


----------



## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Now to get back onto the topic.....

Of course it was thrilling while going through it. I think to deny that is daft. For a WS to deny it, it is only more trickle truth, more distorting the past, more revisionist history to minimize what was done.

What the BS is really afraid of is that the WS looks back on it fondly. That they "got away with" having a good time. That when they look back on their life, they will view that among their good times.

The hard reality is that some WS's will. Truly remorseful fWS won't be. They will have the reality of the horrible pain they caused in the present color the past into one of pain and regret. 

The problem is you can't read somebody's mind, so that fear will sit there. What a fWS can do is be honest about both aspects - yeah, don't lie about that it indeed was fun, but also share how it is remembered through the lens of pain and regret now. It can help so it is a minor fear instead of festering resentment and anger.


----------



## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Rookie4 said:


> Absolutely right. Every marriage is different, so every affair is different.


You realize something else that is very different? 

Reconciliations.

You've been through a successful one. While you've been kicked in the nads by infidelity, you've also had a remorseful spouse who came clean and showed you humility and regret. One who tried to help you heal any way she knew how. One who still wants you back.

Many of these BSs here didn't get that. They got kicked in the nads many more times than you. Got treated way more cruel than you. And are still viewed with contempt, lied to and humiliated to this day.

Walk a mile in their shoes before you claim the high horse buddy.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ya it sucks big time but larry is right....more folks got phucked over then R....

Their old lady or their old man walked away with out a phucking clue...even *worse* some of these waywards blow smoke up the betrayed's @ss with fake R.....

So ya its a given that its always thrilling to meet new people yet then when it starts to go further some may think "ya I got one over on my spouse" and smile while others could say " what the phuck did I get in to"....

I mean I'm sure there is more that can be said and generally an A can be one phucked up thrill ride ....no matter how you slice it, it is wrong.


----------



## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

larry.gray said:


> Now to get back onto the topic.....
> 
> Of course it was thrilling while going through it. I think to deny that is daft. For a WS to deny it, it is only more trickle truth, more distorting the past, more revisionist history to minimize what was done.



Yep. The whole point of the thread.

To deny it is daft. 

Yet....


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

larry.gray said:


> You realize something else that is very different?
> 
> Reconciliations.
> 
> ...


Pretty pompous, Larry. High horse, hardly. I disagree with you., that is all. My wife Hated her affair and blamed me for it. The only thrill she had was heaping the invective on me during our final argument on Dday.


----------



## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Rookie4 said:


> My wife Hated her affair...
> 
> 
> > Rookie4 said:
> ...


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Rookie4 said:


> Pretty pompous, Larry. High horse, hardly. I disagree with you., that is all. My wife Hated her affair and blamed me for it. The only thrill she had was heaping the invective on me during our final argument on Dday.


Rookie4, help me out here....

To have sex with another man meant there should have been some attraction on some level.

Then some sort of wooing process from a lunch to flirty conversation to a drink or two at some point in time.

Then there needed to be some sort of seductive process other than him bellowing, "get in the pickup, b1tch". 

Then there is getting naked with a man who desires you like crazy... knowing you will meet for illicit taboo sex... these thoughts do run in people's minds.

That's the thrill of it all. 

Sure, at some point in time if there is genuine remorse they will look back and hate what they did, BUT, at that time before the regret and before the remorse they were having a darn good time. Good enough to have sex. And that's pretty darn good.

Now, I suppose if it was a blind drunk ONS or something like that where there was no wooing or foreplay... then maybe there was no dramatic thrill but to have sex with another person even when drunk has some aspect of a thrill.

I guess I just don't understand why you don't think there is, at any point along the way, some thrills in the betraying process.


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> Rookie4, help me out here....
> 
> To have sex with another man meant there should have been some attraction on some level.
> 
> ...


OK, BP, here is my take on it. It is all about the PURPOSE of the affair. People have affairs for different reasons, right? You seem to think it is all about sex and the secrecy, but in my wife's case, the sex was NOT her purpose for cheating. Her purpose was to punish me for my "sins" against her. You have to understand her mindset. My wife has always had anger management issues. Read some of my back posts and you will get the idea. While things were going good in our marriage, she had them somewhat under control, but to other people, she could be the single most vindictive b*tch on earth. She always gets her revenge. So, if there was any thrill, it was that she was , in her mind, getting me back for my neglect and "mistreatment" of her. Yes, presumably there was some attraction, but it was minimal on her part, but at least she didn't f**K some old wino. If there was any thrill about the sex, she would have done it more than she did, (3 or 4 times) because she likes sex a lot. Looking at her phone records and emails, she was always putting him off and only did it to keep him in line. Our fight on Dday, was all about how she wanted me to suffer like she felt she was suffering. so no I don't agree that all WS's experience some kind of thrill from the affair.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Rookie4 said:


> *OK, BP, here is my take on it. It is all about the PURPOSE of the affair. People have affairs for different reasons, right? *You seem to think it is all about sex and the secrecy, but in my wife's case, the sex was NOT her purpose for cheating. Her purpose was to punish me for my "sins" against her. You have to understand her mindset. * My wife has always had anger management issues.* Read some of my back posts and you will get the idea. While things were going good in our marriage, she had them somewhat under control, but to other people, *she could be the single most vindictive b*tch on earth.* * She always gets her revenge.* So, if there was any thrill, it was that she was , in her mind, getting me back for my neglect and "mistreatment" of her. Yes, presumably there was some attraction, but it was minimal on her part, but at least she didn't f**K some old wino. If there was any thrill about the sex, she would have done it more than she did, (3 or 4 times) because she likes sex a lot. Looking at her phone records and emails, she was always putting him off and only * did it to keep him in line.* Our fight on Dday, was all about how* she wanted me to suffer* like she felt she was suffering. so no I don't agree that all WS's experience some kind of thrill from the affair.


I think they have affairs for one reason - there is something broken within them that allows them to make that kind of choice. In your wife's case, she has *terrible* conflict resolution skills, anger management issues, a controlling nature, and a streak of cruelty. If she didn't have those issues, she wouldn't have cheated. She'd have been able to address and resolve her marital problems with you, one way or another, without cheating.

As for the thrill, I believe someone that can be described as a vindictive b*tch and someone who always gets her revenge definitely gets a thrill out of _that_, for sure. I'm sorry about that. "Hurting my husband was thrilling" sounds worse to me than "my affair was thrilling."


----------



## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

Instead of just giving you a black eye? Even then, wouldn't she just have grabbed the cat, the dog, a tree, a light post...I mean...Come on here...Let's get real...No attraction? Makes zero sense to me.


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

norajane said:


> I think they have affairs for one reason - there is something broken within them that allows them to make that kind of choice. In your wife's case, she has *terrible* conflict resolution skills, anger management issues, a controlling nature, and a streak of cruelty. If she didn't have those issues, she wouldn't have cheated. She'd have been able to address and resolve her marital problems with you, one way or another, without cheating.
> 
> As for the thrill, I believe someone that can be described as a vindictive b*tch and someone who always gets her revenge definitely gets a thrill out of _that_, for sure. I'm sorry about that. "Hurting my husband was thrilling" sounds worse to me than "my affair was thrilling."


Sometimes I almost wish she DID have the affair for the sex, at least that would be more understandable. Problem is, after the anger fades, she is always sorry and super remorseful, and goes out of her way to be kind. The things she called me during our last fight were horrible!! Then she calls begging forgiveness and can she come home. I couldn't do it. I simply couldn't take it anymore.


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Calibre1212 said:


> Instead of just giving you a black eye? Even then, wouldn't she just have grabbed the cat, the dog, a tree, a light post...I mean...Come on here...Let's get real...No attraction? Makes zero sense to me.


Dude, I live it, so I don't give a sh*t if it makes sense to you or not.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

My old lady had some real gross OM.....she got her self into some scary situations and figured it was better to give it up then to have it taken.


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

That sucks, a$$, Dude.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The worst is the dbl betrayal.
My old lady banged a "good friend". That phucer is toast if I ever catch him.
As long as stay in county and not state 
I'll do the 18 month for AB. But that kind of thing isn't a given.lol


End thread jack.


----------



## cashybum (Aug 16, 2012)

Thrill? I'm not sure if that's how I would put it. I cheated on the first man I ever really loved with a good friend who was there when my boyfriend wasn't and almost fell into that same pattern with my husband now. I did it because I felt alone and unloved (and drunk). I knew the OM really wanted a relationship with me and was always there when I needed him so I felt compelled to see he was the right man for me even though I was almost certain he wasn't. I can't speak for other people but I kept hoping that the affair would grow into that epic love we all secretly hope for but only felt extreme guilt and shame that really over-shadowed the reason for the affair in the first place: attention, love, passion, pleasure and it was miserable. I regret it almost every day that I hurt the person I loved most even though he probably never loved me as much as I loved him. Even though this was over 8-9 years ago it still affects me and makes it that much harder for me now knowing there is no way to fill that same void I feel now with my husband.


----------

