# Do not punish the one you love, for someone else's mistake



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

My wife and I were having this discussion last night about a friend of ours. 

This womans husband likes to blame and and he addresses the wrong person when it comes to being hurt or wronged. 

My wife feels that if someone has wronged you, hurt your feeling made you upset etc, you need to address the person that made you feel that way. I agree with this, its the way I was taught too. 

So, basically what is happening with my wifes friend is, her husband will not address other people that have hurt and wronged him in the past, or recently etc. He takes it out on his wife, with anger and pretty much verbal/mental abuse. Her friend told us she feels she is being punished for someone else's wrong doing/mistake. She has told her husband he should talk to the person who has hurt him and stop taking things out on her. His response to her was, "I would never talk to my mother about the way she treated me!" :scratchhead:

Ok, so its his mother that he feels has wronged him. So what would someones reason(s) be for not talking to the person that hurt them? Is it really that hard for for someone to talk to a family memeber about something they did to them? 

I wonder if that is some of the problems in marriages today, people are taking out their anger/frustrations on the wrong person. They are making their loved one feel punished because of some other persons mistake.


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I think the reason some people can not talk to the person(s) that hurt them is fear, and because they are more worried about what that person might think of them, than they are not taking things out on their spouse. Which says to me, they have things backwards and their priorities messed up.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

A lot of people take out their frustrations on an innocent person, someone they *assume* will not hold it against them or react. This is a huge mistake and stems from feelings of fear and powerlessness to do anything to the one hurting them.

It is sad that a grown man cannot be honest with his own mother--she may be dysfunctional, but he sounds like he is too. He also has the choice to avoid his mother. But taking it out on his wife is absolutely the worst thing and she should NOT put it up with it.

My ex tried to argue that home is where you can be "yourself," so "kicking the dog" was ok (ie, taking it out on those closest to you). I believe that if you don't love and cherish those closest to you, you will lose them and, perhaps more importantly, why would you WANT to be ugly toward those you love? So you can see why we ended up divorced.

This man is risking a lot by ignoring his wife as the one person he should cherish above all others.


----------



## Leah L (Jan 11, 2011)

I think you have a real point. 

I believe my husband does this, he has such a difficult time discussing issues and starts arguments out of nowhere, even the issues are random.

He had a tough childhood and sadly a very dysfunctional marriage. Hearing the story/outcome I feel bad for both him and his ex.

If I point out an issue today, even minor, he almost argues with himself, an example....he gets upset about how I I call him a "loser". 

It was really strange at the time. Its not a word I use, I would never say that, and he's very successful, I was like.... huh????:scratchhead:

Anyway, I later learned his ex used to tell him he was a loser and ruining her life. Back in the days when he was starting his career (like 20 yrs ago!) He has also occasionally calls me by her name when stressed, sometimes he realizes, but not always.

My MC said his random "attacks" are simply because I am there, its convenient. He also said that despite I am so different from my hubbies ex wife, when my husband feels threatened, he's right back there with his ex wife in his head. 

Its not an excuse but it helps me to know this, makes it less personal for me.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Yes the old "I am not your mother/father". That always goes well.


----------

