# When dating, should I be honest about the cheating ex?



## dennisg1

Being back in the dating world, I've noticed eventually there comes a point naturally where we discuss ex's and why it didn't work out. 

My question is should I be honest and say ultimately what ended our marriage was her cheating, or is this irrelevant because it could also be viewed as there were other issues in our marriage and the cheating is the way she decided to handle it? Obviously, not saying that the cheating was the right way to handle it.

I've got mixed suggestions from friends/family; some tell me I should just say we grew apart and we weren't compatible anymore and just leave it at that, and others say that I should bring up the cheating because ultimately I couldn't be with a person with that type of character who would break the trust we had for one in another in that way.

Thank you!


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## StartingOverHopeful

When the topic comes up, I am always honest about my exH's affair. This is important for several reasons:

1. It's the truth. Having been lied to for so long, how could I start a potential relationship with a lie? Being cheated on is not "growing apart." If my partner ever later found out I lied about why I was divorced, he might feel betrayed---"WHAT? Your ex had an affair? Why didn't you say so? You let me believe other things all this time??"
2. Leaving a cheater shows that you value marriage (but won't tolerate infidelity). Leaving for ambiguous reasons is a red flag to me when I'm dating. When a man can't really say precisely why his marriage ended, I think he either doesn't value marriage vows (didn't really have a compelling reason), or he was a cheater and doesn't know what to say.
3. Cheaters will not pursue you as readily. There have been a couple of guys I seemed to hit it off with, for a date or two, then we start to talk about reasons for divorce. When they hear about my experience, they don't contact me again. I figure they don't want to mess with a betrayed spouse--easier picking among the naive.


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## oldshirt

StartingOverHopeful said:


> When the topic comes up, I am always honest about my exH's affair. This is important for several reasons:
> 
> 1. It's the truth. Having been lied to for so long, how could I start a potential relationship with a lie? Being cheated on is not "growing apart." If my partner ever later found out I lied about why I was divorced, he might feel betrayed---"WHAT? Your ex had an affair? Why didn't you say so? You let me believe other things all this time??"
> 2. Leaving a cheater shows that you value marriage (but won't tolerate infidelity). Leaving for ambiguous reasons is a red flag to me when I'm dating. When a man can't really say precisely why his marriage ended, I think he either doesn't value marriage vows (didn't really have a compelling reason), or he was a cheater and doesn't know what to say.
> 3. Cheaters will not pursue you as readily. There have been a couple of guys I seemed to hit it off with, for a date or two, then we start to talk about reasons for divorce. When they hear about my experience, they don't contact me again. I figure they don't want to mess with a betrayed spouse--easier picking among the naive.


I think this explains it perfectly. 

The cheater bears the culpability and as was said above, the fact you divorced shows you don't tolerate infidelity and are prepared to nuke from orbit if it comes to that. 


You have nothing to hide or be ashamed of here.


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## honcho

dennisg1 said:


> Being back in the dating world, I've noticed eventually there comes a point naturally where we discuss ex's and why it didn't work out.
> 
> My question is should I be honest and say ultimately what ended our marriage was her cheating, or is this irrelevant because it could also be viewed as there were other issues in our marriage and the cheating is the way she decided to handle it? Obviously, not saying that the cheating was the right way to handle it.
> 
> I've got mixed suggestions from friends/family; some tell me I should just say we grew apart and we weren't compatible anymore and just leave it at that, and others say that I should bring up the cheating because ultimately I couldn't be with a person with that type of character who would break the trust we had for one in another in that way.
> 
> Thank you!


Nobody believes the grew apart or weren't compatible anymore lines so it will appear your dodging the question or you were at fault. Just be honest and don't dwell on the topic


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## Vinnydee

I told my wife about my cheating fiancé and the girlfriend after her. I think it important to let them know because it does sometimes give you trust issues. This way if you tell, they will understand where you are coming from.


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## Faithful Wife

When I’m dating a new person, I welcome that kind of honesty. And I also feel compassion for them for what they have been through. 

The only time talking about exes is a problem is when a date says all of their exes are crazy and every relationship ended because of things the other person did. Huge red flag, usually means that THEY are crazy and all relationships ended because of that. Sometimes they don’t say all of that on the first date so you listen over time to how they speak about an ex and break ups.

A guy I dated and really cared for for over a year (it didn’t work out but no hard feelings), his marriage ended like a text book case from the CWI section. His ex wife went on a girls night after a decade of marriage, fidelity and 2 kids, hooked up with a horrible POS out of the blue that night, fell “in luurrrvvee”, then proceeded to destroy their lives. He was blind sided, financially destroyed, and barely made it out with his sanity. Just to add TAM drama to the story, the POSOM also had previously broken up 3 marriages by screwing the wife, married all 3 of these OW, had a kid with a couple of them, cheated on and dumped each one for the next. My boyfriend’s ex wife was OW #4. I was just shaking my head like, damn did the TAM community come up with a script of the hi lites of the “best of CWI” or what?

Anyway...I developed so much respect for him over the time we were together, in large part for how dignified he was about the horrible abuses she put him through. It was like, he hated her for what she did to him, but he also saw what a horrible person she was and was just happy to know the truth about her and be away from her. He was glad this POSOM swept her away so her true colors came out and the fog he did not know he was under was lifted.

Though he was divorced and settled for several years when I dated him. When their divorce was fresh he may have not been in a good place and I don’t know how he would have come across back then. So take that into account in your sitch.


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## arbitrator

*Telling the truth is always better, but never try to unduly belabor it with any new relationship interest!*


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## Cooper

When asked why I got divorced I always answer "I just never got along with any of my wife's boyfriends".


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## dubsey

A friend has always been funny about it, date or just acquaintance. it would go something like this:

Date: if you don't mind my asking, what happened
Friend: oh, we just wanted different things out of our relationship. pretty typical
Date: oh, how?
Friend: well, lets just say I'm more of a 1 penis per relationship kind of person, and she wasn't, so we both had to move on.


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## Bananapeel

You should always be honest but I wouldn't volunteer the information upfront. Too much talk about an ex in the beginning usually means that you aren't over her yet and leads to some really boring dates because you aren't focused on your prospective mate. 

You are also going to find that a lot of people you take on a date (well over 50%) have cheated before so be prepared for it and think about whether you'll consider it a deal breaker and if so, under what circumstances. The women I've dated that have cheated before, I just place in a category that I'll date them short term if they are fun but I'll never completely trust them enough to have a committed relationship. The only exception was a woman that had an exit affair after telling her H she was unhappy, thought the relationship was over, and wanted a divorce. He guilted her into staying for two years so to end things so she went out and F'd another guy, then came home and told him and finally got him to agree to D. I don't really like or approve of her strategy but I can at least somewhat understand it given her non-dominant personality. 

Usually when people I date ask why I got divorced I tell them that my XW cheated on me but I don't hold it against her because everyone is free to end a relationship at any time and for any reason. I then tell them that we have an excellent co-parenting relationship and work really well together in helping each other with the kids, but that is the limit of our relationship and we don't have any interactions outside of the children.


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## Thor

I have been honest but brief. As the relationship grows there are follow up questions looking for more details. That's where I feel uncomfortable because I was the stupid one who didn't end the relationship when it was obvious she was disloyal in about every way a spouse could be. Either I look like a passive rollover or maybe I've imagined a lot more than really happened. Or I may look like I'm trying to blame her for everything.

The simple fact of infidelity isn't itself for me something to keep secret or to minimize. I do want to show that I understand what happened in the marriage, that I understand my part of the dysfunction, and that I've moved on fully.

One reservation I have about discussing dishonesty in the marriage is I want to leave my new date enough rope to hang herself if she is a cheater. I have a few disqualifiers, one of which is being a cheater. So I don't want to let the person know to hide it from me.


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## Ursula

I find that honesty is the best policy when it comes to stuff like this. Actually, when it comes to everything, honesty is the way to go.


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## personofinterest

Cooper said:


> When asked why I got divorced I always answer "I just never got along with any of my wife's boyfriends".


This is my favorite


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## dennisg1

Thanks for all the replies!

Yeah, I'm usually not the one to start talking about ex's but if she brings it up I can't avoid the subject; so I agree that honesty is probably the best route to take.

However, some thoughts that cross my mind are; would she think that I now have trust issues because of this? Or believe that I must have done something that drove her away to cheat?


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## Bananapeel

You can never predict what another person will think so I wouldn't dwell on it. However, most people that have been cheated on do have trust issues to some extent, so if you do, just own it. Basically, if a woman asks if you have them, just say that of course you do but you don't let those issues control your life. As far as contributing to someone else's decision to cheat (and yes, I've been asked this), I usually just say that decision was solely hers, and while I was a really great husband there were some things I could do better on and I've definitely grown as a person due to the experience.


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## Faithful Wife

dennisg1 said:


> Thanks for all the replies!
> 
> Yeah, I'm usually not the one to start talking about ex's but if she brings it up I can't avoid the subject; so I agree that honesty is probably the best route to take.
> 
> However, some thoughts that cross my mind are; would she think that I now have trust issues because of this? Or believe that I must have done something that drove her away to cheat?


Of course she may assume you have some trust issues but for a trust worthy woman this will not be a problem.


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## lovelygirl

Bananapeel said:


> *You should always be honest but I wouldn't volunteer the information upfront. Too much talk about an ex in the beginning usually means that you aren't over her yet and leads to some really boring dates because you aren't focused on your prospective mate. *
> 
> You are also going to find that a lot of people you take on a date (well over 50%) have cheated before so be prepared for it and think about whether you'll consider it a deal breaker and if so, under what circumstances. The women I've dated that have cheated before, I just place in a category that I'll date them short term if they are fun but I'll never completely trust them enough to have a committed relationship. The only exception was a woman that had an exit affair after telling her H she was unhappy, thought the relationship was over, and wanted a divorce. He guilted her into staying for two years so to end things so she went out and F'd another guy, then came home and told him and finally got him to agree to D. I don't really like or approve of her strategy but I can at least somewhat understand it given her non-dominant personality.
> 
> Usually when people I date ask why I got divorced I tell them that my XW cheated on me but I don't hold it against her because everyone is free to end a relationship at any time and for any reason. *I then tell them that we have an excellent co-parenting relationship and work really well together in helping each other with the kids, but that is the limit of our relationship and we don't have any interactions outside of the children*.


On point! 

I'm always for the truth, but there's a fine line between _telling the truth_ and giving _unnecessary details_ or talking about it all the time during a date, especially when it comes to an ex. 
Not only does it take away the minutes that should be managed to talk about you two exclusively and your possible future together, but it might leave your date thinking "He talks about her all the time...! Does he still have feelings for her?? :scratchhead:" 

I've always had a problem with guys who talked abut their exes more than they should, ESPECIALLY when I don't ask for any sort of info related to their past.

Also, the *tone of the voice* SAYS a lot. It's not just talking about your ex, but it's also _how _you talk about them. If you're nervous, if the tone of your voice trembles or expresses sadness...., chances are you're not over your ex. 
If the tone of your voice feels indifferent and you're cool about it and laid back, I realise you're done with her. 
As an attentive observer of body-language, I myself put a lot of emphasis on _the way_ you talk about your ex.

I like how @Bananapeel made it clear that even-though they're in contact, there's nothing more than just child-caring between him and the ex. 
Your date needs to know on what terms you're with your ex, as well.

So keep it *real*, cool and short.


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## lovelygirl

dennisg1 said:


> Thanks for all the replies!
> 
> Yeah, I'm usually not the one to start talking about ex's but if she brings it up I can't avoid the subject; so I agree that honesty is probably the best route to take.
> 
> However, some thoughts that cross my mind are; would she think that I now have trust issues because of this?  Or believe that I must have done something that drove her away to cheat?


To be frank with you, I'd wonder why she cheated and what you did to cause her drift away from you. *BUT, *it doesn't mean I'd justify her. Cheating is NEVER the solution and it's a flaw in the cheater's character.

But I'd be more interested in YOU than her, so what I'd wonder would be: 
Have you grown from this experience? Have you changed for better? Do you still have those issues from the past relationship/marriage that made your ex cheat on you?
What caused the cheating and was you providing your part in the relationship? 

Even-though cheating is NOT your responsibility, it implies there was an underlying reason and the relationship was suffering as a result of both people in it (_most times - but there are exceptions though_).

As for the trust issues, I'd be considerate and I'd understand that such experience leaves wounds which could surface in the next relationship. HOWEVER, as long as I don't suffer the consequences, I wouldn't mind it if you had a few trust issues here and there. 

But as a mature guy, I'd expect you to realise that:

1- I'm not your ex, so if there's something the triggers her memories, think about how she's not me and I'm not her;
2- I understand what you've been through and I'd be considerate of your trust issues;
3- BUT, I won't tolerate you walk all over me and expect me to justify all your unreasonable trust issues that might surface between us, because of your past.

Example: 
Supposing your ex cheated on you during a night-out with girls. 
Does it mean you'll never tolerate your future partner to go out with girls at night, anymore??
While your future SO might understand your trust issues, you can't take advantage of her empathy by not allowing her to go out with girls at night, once in a while. 

This is what I was trying to say. There's gotta be some empathy from your future SO and you might have issues at the beginning, but once you've known her for who she really is, you can't associate her with your ex. (even-though she might undertake similar activities as your ex).


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## Ynot

I agree with many of the others here who advise you to just be honest and tell the truth. If someone reacts negative to your truth that isn't someone you should want to be around anyways.
OTOH, I don't understand how one could avoid talking about an ex. Especially one you were married to for some period of time. Our pasts are what make us who we are today. How one can avoid talking about their past (and by inclusion an ex) is a foreign concept to me. It doesn't mean you need to dwell on the subject and go on and on discussing it, but it is still something that should be discussed, openly and honestly.


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## lovelygirl

Ynot said:


> I agree with many of the others here who advise you to just be honest and tell the truth. If someone reacts negative to your truth that isn't someone you should want to be around anyways.
> OTOH, I don't understand how one could avoid talking about an ex. Especially one you were married to for some period of time. Our pasts are what make us who we are today. How one can avoid talking about their past (and by inclusion an ex) is a foreign concept to me. It doesn't mean you need to dwell on the subject and go on and on discussing it, but it is still something that should be discussed, openly and honestly.


In general I agree with you. But there's a time and place when talking about an ex more extensively makes sense.
On a first or second date you can mention the ex and give a general review on why the marriage ended, but to me, makes more sense to leave a deeper discussion after some time has passed and both partners feel more comfortable talking about exes.

Even then, one has to have common sense on why an ex should be brought up during a conversation with the actual partner. You can't just bring up a random ex and start talking about her all the time without a logical reason. It's not the same as talking about a random ex and an ex-*spouse*. Naturally, the latter will be an important part of someone's past, that not only will be mentioned but also elaborated on different viewpoints, so that the new partner will have a better understanding of what was going on, especially if we talk about marriage or LTR (and/or kids).

So, the amount of time someone spends talking about an EX should thoroughly depend on the type of the EX we're talking about. 
Maturity and common sense will be determinant.


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## Ynot

lovelygirl said:


> In general I agree with you. But there's a time and place when talking about an ex more extensively makes sense.
> On a first or second date you can mention the ex and give a general review on why the marriage ended, but to me, makes more sense to leave a deeper discussion after some time has passed and both partners feel more comfortable talking about exes.
> 
> Even then, one has to have common sense on why an ex should be brought up during a conversation with the actual partner. You can't just bring up a random ex and start talking about her all the time without a logical reason. It's not the same as talking about a random ex and an ex-*spouse*. Naturally, the latter will be an important part of someone's past, that not only will be mentioned but also elaborated on different viewpoints, so that the new partner will have a better understanding of what was going on, especially if we talk about marriage or LTR (and/or kids).
> 
> So, the amount of time someone spends talking about an EX should thoroughly depend on the type of the EX we're talking about.
> Maturity and common sense will be determinant.


Which is why I said " It doesn't mean you need to dwell on the subject and go on and on discussing it, but it is still something that should be discussed, openly and honestly."


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## DustyDog

dennisg1 said:


> Being back in the dating world, I've noticed eventually there comes a point naturally where we discuss ex's and why it didn't work out.
> 
> My question is should I be honest and say ultimately what ended our marriage was her cheating, or is this irrelevant because it could also be viewed as there were other issues in our marriage and the cheating is the way she decided to handle it? Obviously, not saying that the cheating was the right way to handle it.
> 
> I've got mixed suggestions from friends/family; some tell me I should just say we grew apart and we weren't compatible anymore and just leave it at that, and others say that I should bring up the cheating because ultimately I couldn't be with a person with that type of character who would break the trust we had for one in another in that way.
> 
> Thank you!


Eventually, yes. But when you are first meeting someone, it's really not a relevant topic.

There is a sequence of discussion topics that was once called the process of intimacy. As a memory aide, think of "Intimacy" as "Into Me See". What you expose of yourself depends on how long you've known the person and how much trust has built up between you. When meeting a total stranger, you avoid personal topics. 

Complete stranger
"Nice day isn't it?" Does this sound shallow to you? It's not. How the other person responds tells you something about them. 
For instance, if they respond "It really is, I was worried we would have a rainy week, but today is great and I'm spending as much time outdoors as I can!"
versus, for instance, "Yeah, but it's going to be rainy again tomorrow".
Both answers gave you clues about how that person responds to life, and you can, right now, decide which of those two folks you'd prefer to be with.

Some time later, you talk about your events of today.
"It was my day to do grocery shopping for the week" - again, shallow?
Response 1: "I hate shopping of all sorts and get it over with as fast as I can" versus
"I love the grocery store, it's like a microcosm of nature, with different produce every week, reflecting what's fresh and vibrant right now".
Again, the response from the other person gives you insights into how they react to life.

If, at these early stages, someone asks why you got divorced, it's perfectly appropriate to reply "things just didn't work out." and change the subject.

IMO, you have to be fairly deep into getting to know someone before it matters why either of you got divorced. With my current GF, this aspect of conversation did not happen until after the sexual part of our relationship began. But then, we're old, so to us, sex is a desirable part of a relationship, and we don't reserve it only for people who have the potential for being a lifelong mate.


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## Diana7

dennisg1 said:


> Being back in the dating world, I've noticed eventually there comes a point naturally where we discuss ex's and why it didn't work out.
> 
> My question is should I be honest and say ultimately what ended our marriage was her cheating, or is this irrelevant because it could also be viewed as there were other issues in our marriage and the cheating is the way she decided to handle it? Obviously, not saying that the cheating was the right way to handle it.
> 
> I've got mixed suggestions from friends/family; some tell me I should just say we grew apart and we weren't compatible anymore and just leave it at that, and others say that I should bring up the cheating because ultimately I couldn't be with a person with that type of character who would break the trust we had for one in another in that way.
> 
> Thank you!


I do think its important that you tell them that your ex met another person and had an affair. This is because they will know that you aren't the sort of man to end a marriage for a relatively minor reason but only a major one. For many women, and I am one of them, it would be important for me to know that. If a man I met told me that they 'just grew apart' or whatever I wouldn't be interested as I want a man with commitment to marriage in the good and more difficult times.


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## Wolf1974

I think you should be honest. Your past is important. The reason your marriage ended is important. I told every woman I went out with that my x cheated and I left her over it. Showed that 1) I had character and resolve. 2) that’s I don’t tolerate poor behavior. I think that spoke volumes to who I was and what I was about.


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## hope4family

If it's in your dating profile. Not a good idea. If you are asked, you most certainly should.


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## DustyDog

dennisg1 said:


> Being back in the dating world, I've noticed eventually there comes a point naturally where we discuss ex's and why it didn't work out.
> 
> My question is should I be honest and say ultimately what ended our marriage was her cheating, or is this irrelevant because it could also be viewed as there were other issues in our marriage and the cheating is the way she decided to handle it? Obviously, not saying that the cheating was the right way to handle it.
> 
> Thank you!


Ultimately it was NOT her cheating that ended the marriage. It was your RESPONSE to the cheating. The Gottmans have surveyed many couples (hundreds of thousands over 40+ years) and determine two things that seem to contradict common themes here on TAM:

1) Cheating is NOT the #1 reason for divorce. In divorcing couples, cheating was reported in only 20-30% of them (If I recall the Gottman's blog entry correctly)
2) In relationships in which cheating was involved, some 70 to 80% of them recovered despite the cheating.

The way I explain my divorce (and previous split from a non-wife) is an attempt to be humble and humorous at the same time. Here are a few things I say that are truthful AND acknowledge that "fault" is never, properly, handed to only one person.

"When I met my first ex, she claimed that she was trying to get better at handling anger, and that she was trying to become less materialistic. Those were two things that appealed to me, as I had msyelf overcome issues with handling anger, and I have never been materialistic. Well, over nearly ten years, by her own admission, she decided to not bother handling anger any better, but use it as a lifestyle tool, and that she decided to embrace materialism to the point that she spent money heavily and hid it from me, and claimed she planned to keep it up. Call me intolerant, but I decided that living a life opposite of what I'd planned wasn't for me."

"After 15 years of my now ex-wife threatening to divorce me if I didn't behavior according to her standards, she finally admitted in counseling that those threats were never real, and she'd have never left me if I didn't obey (which I kinda knew because I didn't always obey). Call me intolerant, but living 15 years with that kind of lying and deceit wasn't something I felt I could recover from."


One thing I learned about dating - if the woman I want to date is still blaming the ex - she's not ready to accept her role in our relationship either.


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