# Just found out



## david1129 (Sep 11, 2015)

My Wife an I are both young. Married right at 19, and dated for a few years before that. I'm 24 and she's 25. When we met, we were both in other relationships,neither one particularly serious. We hit it off right off the bat and hung out all the time and had a more or less great time. The first problem we had was when she told me she was going to hang out with a friend, and I found out a week later from the friend she was supposed to have been hanging out with the they hadn't seen eachother in ages. I confronted her and she told me she was actually hanging out with her ex. I dumped her, and was crushed, feeling betrayed. She called me in hysterics the next morning saying how much she loved me, that his dad had just died and he had no one yadayada. I chose to continue in a relationship with her throughout the rest of high school. After high school, we both moved to another state together to find better job prospects and basically be young and care free. We now have 2 beautiful children together, a home and all you imagine when you think of a typical suburban life. I have a great job, and she stays at home with the kids. This past week or so she's been rather depressed which is normal for her to go through occassionally. She was diagnosed with BPD 2 years ago and pretty much denied it was true, that her psychiatrist was crazy and it wasn't true. Well lest night, she said told me out of the blue that the night we broke up, she was already at her ex's house and they had sex and she's sorry and it was only a one time thing. I'm lost now. I've spent the last 7 years thinking she had only ever had sex with me. I had sex with a girl one time before we met and i was open about it. I keep imagining himn railing her, how much better he was than me. How his body was better,he was a better guy all around. I don't know what to do now. Were the last 7 years a lie? How much was? Was there really more? No way to tell.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Has she given you any reason to think she's cheated on you since? If not, consider some couples counseling to help you both get over it. If there hasn't been any infidelity while you were married, it's probably not worth sacrificing your marriage and your kids' home life over.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Your biggest concern right now is her BPD. You need to address this with her psychiatrist. She is only 25. This could get worse as she ages. This condition is often very difficult for marriages. You have children to care for. She came forward and told you the truth. You can go to a psychologist for individual counselling if it will help your mindset.

Sorry you are here.


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## truster (Jul 23, 2015)

She brought it up, instead of you finding out? Idunno, sounds pretty remorseful to me.. she has genuine guilt she wants to be absolved for. And 7 years is a long time, especially that young. I'd give her the benefit of the doubt based on this little bit of information, unless something else comes out in your followup posts that's suspicious.


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## david1129 (Sep 11, 2015)

I don't think she has cheated on me since. Although she is still friends with him on Facebook and I found his number hidden in a recipe book. When I confronted her she said she put that in there years ago. The only reason I haven't left is because she openly told when she could have taken it to the grave with her. I would have never found out. Being states away does make it hard to cheat with him though. So she may be faithful out a lack of opportunity for all I know. I told her I wanted to go to counseling and work things out, but she's like in shock or something. She's been walking around in a daze with a blank expression on her face and ignoring most of what I say. I said some pretty cruel stuff to her when she told me so that's probably why.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Has she had any contact with the ex since that time?

were any of your kids born about 9 months later?

has she been tested for stds?

you need to talk to her and get more answers. There are some that could help.

for example, there is online, a place called affair recovery, but there are other counseling places. Would you and your wife be willing to go the some place like this? I do like affair recovery better than some places. There they feel it is important to disclose but some other counseling places council to keep it all quiet. I do not like this last advice. 

But you should be able to find a place to get some help.

If she is remorseful, and trying to help you and to take her medications, you could try to stay together. See if she is safe first with you. If she is not safe, transparent, remorseful, and this was the only time. then you might be able to work thru this.

This happened to her several years ago. Does she know that it is in her past, but for you it is like this happened now?


maybe you can work thru this. Good luck to you and your family, but do remember you have kids together.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

When you say BPD do you mean bi polar or borderline personality disorder?

It is what it is. You were in high school and I doubt either of you assumed you would end up married at the time. Get yourself counseling and see if you can save your family.

Back in the day, most every girl claimed to be a virgin while all the guys claimed they weren't. The biggest problem is your lack of confidence in your own abilities to please her.


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## david1129 (Sep 11, 2015)

She definitely was still a virgin. I saw the proof so to speak. I just feel like obviously this guy had something I didn't. And by BPD, I mean Borderline. As soon as she was diagnosed, she stopped going and went about life like her diagnosis never happened.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

david1129 said:


> Well lest night, she said told me out of the blue that the night we broke up, she was already at her ex's house and they had sex and she's sorry and it was only a one time thing. I'm lost now. I've spent the last 7 years thinking she had only ever had sex with me. I had sex with a girl one time before we met and i was open about it. I keep imagining himn railing her, how much better he was than me. How his body was better,he was a better guy all around. I don't know what to do now. Were the last 7 years a lie? How much was? Was there really more? No way to tell.


Here's the deal and it sucks and it's all fresh and new for you and I get that.

But #1 you dumped her. So she ****ed him. That's what happened. People do funny things when they get dumped -- I've actually had women that I've broken up with tell me that the reason they hopped into bed with someone else right away was actually because of the loss -- they wanted the pain of losing me to go away so they used another guy to do that. That's human nature, bub. But when you dumped her what she did with anybody else wasn't your business any more.

#2 it was before you got married so you can't blow this up now. You weren't even with her. It sucks she didn't come clean sooner, but she didn't because she wanted you back. You have an obligation now, bub, and that sucks and I hear you on that. But it is what it is.

#3 even if he was king **** in the sack with a giant **** and rode her like there's no tomorrow -- she still picked you. Not him. And more likely she was weepy and sad and hurt and she let her have sex with her and she didn't really get off on it. I've been the rebound guy, dude, and it actually sucks -- knowing she's letting you have sex with her but she's really just thinking about him. How it's not about you at all and she'd rather be with him. 

Let yourself be sad. Let yourself be hurt. Don't disguise that.

But don't let it hold you back, either.

And I'd be far more worried about the BPD and trying to figure out why she told you about it at this point.


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## david1129 (Sep 11, 2015)

And both of our kids were born in our new state. The first came about a year after we moved here,and the second was only born in june. When you have kids as a woman, I believe they test you for STD's and such correct? I donate blood fairly often so if I had something, It should have come to light by now. I would love counseling and we had talked about it before any of this came out. She can be very childish and selfish and is honestly incapable of surviving on her own. She has never held down and job, and has trouble understanding many simple concepts. She has a hard time learning new info and is very good at manipulating me. I can see it coming sometimes, but I still can't stop it for some reason. I feel bad for her a lot.


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## david1129 (Sep 11, 2015)

Its was really random actually. I knew she'd been in a funk all week, so as soon as I got home, I told her how much I loved her, how great I thought she was, and how much I needed her. (She's always convinced she isn't good enough for me). Then she started crying and said I need to tell you something. I'm guessing me being sweet made the guilt she's had for so long reach a boiling point and she had to say something. That's my speculation on the reason she told anyways. I guess it just bothers me that I leave her for hanging out with him behind my back, so she goes and hangs out with him, and ****s him. The ****ty thing is she called me cryng from his bathroom and told me how much she loved me and what not right after they did the deed. It upsets me that she waits for thousands of miles, 2 children, one marriage and a home to tell me. I probably wouldn't have changed a thing in my life, but I could have had all these years to heal.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

david1129 said:


> She can be very childish and selfish and is honestly incapable of surviving on her own. She has never held down and job, and has trouble understanding many simple concepts. She has a hard time learning new info and is very good at manipulating me. I can see it coming sometimes, but I still can't stop it for some reason. I feel bad for her a lot.


This problem needs to be addressed, along with her BPD. You need to enroll her in a community college to get a training certificate of her choice. If something happens to you, you need to have someone to take care of your children. However, you need to address her BPD.

If your marriage remain this way, in time you will resent a woman of a 15 year old mindset and without employment skills. You can't stop her behavior because you feel sorry for her. You are only 24 years old. You need to thrive in your marriage, not simply survive.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Do your research on BPD. Sorry to say there is a poor track record for recovery. If you stay with her it will always be rocky. Always.

You're a good man to feel badly for her. She has a condition not of her choosing or doing. Life is going to be hard for her forever. It is not your obligation to take on the burdens required to stay in a marriage with a BPD.

Does she have a history of sex abuse or other childhood trauma? Those do have a correlation to borderline personality disorder. If so, she needs to be in good psychotherapy with a clinical psychologist who specializes in trauma therapy. It may help her a lot regardless if it helps your marriage.

Your reaction is typical to finding out some kind of lie or disloyalty happened in the past. You now question everything. This is normal. IC and MC can help you quite a bit. You will have to consistently see trustworthy behavior from her over a long period of time before you will gain back trust.

Many will say since you broke up she had the right to go have sex with her ex. Social rules say this is so. Still you feel betrayed because of the lie, which is very valid for you to feel.

Do you know why she spontaneously told you she had sex with him?


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

Like everyone is saying david worry about the BPD thats a time bomb ticking that will blow your world apart. Do a search at the top of the page for BPD on tam to open your eyes, your wife needs help


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

*cough* DNA the kids!


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## david1129 (Sep 11, 2015)

Her childhood is full of childhood trauma and sex abuse. Most pertaining to her mother and her mother's many boyfriends. Most of the things happened to her older sister. She doesn't remember anything but bits and pieces of what happened to her. Occasionally she has random flash backs of being touched, and other gross things like that as a child. She shakes uncontrollably, cries, and screams at me until she realizes I;m not there to hurt her. She's been cashiering for the last month or so. She wanted to work, and I thought having a job would build up her confidence. Most nights she comes home in tears because many people said something incredibly hurtful to her, and she has a very hard time remembering job related skills. After all these years, I'm confident all the bad things people are saying to and about her are just misinterpretations of things that were said that either didn't apply to her, or were said in a different context than she thought.


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## david1129 (Sep 11, 2015)

I could DNA them I guess, but the timelines make since that I'm the dad. And they have quite a few of my genetic traits. Like two of my sons toes are webbed a little in the same spot mine are. I actually didn't notice mine were until I saw his and the pediatrician said it's a genetically passed on trait.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

She needs good qualified trauma therapy. Start doing research on the effects of child sex abuse. Her having BPD is a bad sign. This is not something you can help her with. All your kindness and love cannot heal her at all. She does need your support and your strength to go through trauma therapy. But you are not her therapist, and can never be.

I highly recommend you read the book "Haunted Marriage: Overcoming the Ghosts of Your Spouse's Childhood Abuse" by Clark E. Barshinger. It can be a bit difficult to find. I think I bought it from his website but don't see it with a brief search. It is worth your effort to find it, as it is highly regarded as the best book out there about being married to a CSA survivor.

You are a Secondary Survivor, meaning you are in a close relationship with someone who is a survivor of childhood sex abuse (CSA). Being a Secondary is not ever easy. You need to be in counseling yourself, not because you're crazy but because you'll be dealing with some difficult stuff.

At some point I suggest you read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. R. Glover. You may or may not fall into the Nice Guy paradigm, but I bring it up because many times the Nice Guy pairs up with the CSA victim or BPD woman. When they do it is the perfect storm. If you are a NG at all, you need to work on learning better strategies and thought patterns to deal with life in general. This work is for your benefit.


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## david1129 (Sep 11, 2015)

I've tried telling her I forgive her, that I'm hurt and my trust is broken, but I'm willing to work hard and end up stronger together. We've face many storms that have broken up young couples. We have always had each other though, and that's all we need. I was hurt and told her exactly how I felt and my thoughts. She has been in shock or something. Not responding to questions other than affair related ones. She just sits and stares blankly like she's in another place or something.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

David1129 thor is more right then you can imagine. He is deadly accurate. The CSA is most likely the cause of the BPD. Her original Therapist mostly likely began discussing it and she ran. You marriage can flourish if you both get professional help. Dam her mother to hell. What is the sister's life like. How do you know the sister took the brunt of it?

Finally, if you read other post her they discuss trickle truth at length. Your posts reflect that. David why did you look though an old recipe book to find evidence? Are we about to discover she had a slew of self punishment affairs? Guys externalize, women internalize. This internalization can cause horrific example of self destruction.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

david1129 said:


> I don't think she has cheated on me since. Although she is still friends with him on Facebook and I found his number hidden in a recipe book. When I confronted her she said she put that in there years ago. The only reason I haven't left is because she openly told when she could have taken it to the grave with her. I would have never found out. Being states away does make it hard to cheat with him though. So she may be faithful out a lack of opportunity for all I know. I told her I wanted to go to counseling and work things out, but she's like in shock or something. She's been walking around in a daze with a blank expression on her face and ignoring most of what I say. I said some pretty cruel stuff to her when she told me so that's probably why.


I assume that the night she cheated happened while she was still in high school. That's a time when people are rarely mature enough to be in a stable committed relationship. High school students shouldn't even be expected to maintain exclusive relationships.

The fact that she decided to come out and tell you what she did years ago is a sign of responsibility. She had sex one or two times with another guy several years ago. I barely remember anything about a couple of one night stands from my younger years. 

At your age, it is probably difficult to process this new detail about her, but I hope that are able to. As others have said, this is something to forget about, but your wife's BP issues are something to be more concerned about.


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## david1129 (Sep 11, 2015)

Her sister is actually good. She has been in the armed forces for a few years now. She is in a stable relationship, not married but will be when her enlistment is over. All the stories I've heard have all been things that happened to her sister that she either witnessed, or knew was happening but wasn't in the same room. I'm sure there is a lot I don't know. She isn't a fan of talking about this stuff. She can't remember a lot though. Sometimes she has recurring dream in which she can remember people touching her, the feeling of it happening and how she felt at the time. For some reason when she opens her eyes in the dreams the peopl doing are people who weren't around at all when this stuff was going on. Like her dad who protected her, or me sometimes. Like her mind won't let her actually see who it was.


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## ODAT (Sep 5, 2015)

david1129 said:


> My Wife an I are both young. Married right at 19, and dated for a few years before that. I'm 24 and she's 25. When we met, we were both in other relationships,neither one particularly serious. We hit it off right off the bat and hung out all the time and had a more or less great time. The first problem we had was when she told me she was going to hang out with a friend, and I found out a week later from the friend she was supposed to have been hanging out with the they hadn't seen eachother in ages. I confronted her and she told me she was actually hanging out with her ex. I dumped her, and was crushed, feeling betrayed. She called me in hysterics the next morning saying how much she loved me, that his dad had just died and he had no one yadayada. I chose to continue in a relationship with her throughout the rest of high school. After high school, we both moved to another state together to find better job prospects and basically be young and care free. We now have 2 beautiful children together, a home and all you imagine when you think of a typical suburban life. I have a great job, and she stays at home with the kids. This past week or so she's been rather depressed which is normal for her to go through occassionally. She was diagnosed with BPD 2 years ago and pretty much denied it was true, that her psychiatrist was crazy and it wasn't true. Well lest night, she said told me out of the blue that the night we broke up, she was already at her ex's house and they had sex and she's sorry and it was only a one time thing. I'm lost now. I've spent the last 7 years thinking she had only ever had sex with me. I had sex with a girl one time before we met and i was open about it. I keep imagining himn railing her, how much better he was than me. How his body was better,he was a better guy all around. I don't know what to do now. Were the last 7 years a lie? How much was? Was there really more? No way to tell.


I don't know how good my advice will be due to the fact I'm still in the midst of my own wife's infidelity but I can tell you how I would feel in your shoes. 7 years is a long time to hold something like that in and there has to be a reason she didn't tell you. Yes it is wrong to not open up about it as you deserve the right to know everything about what happened between the two of them just as those of us who are currently facing this type of crisis. But to me you have one thing going for you. She told you the truth without you have to pry it out of her. Some of is never get that. I'll never get that. I had to explode her world just to get her affair to stop and I still haven't gotten to the bottom of everything. If I were you I would definitely start counseling. Unless she has given you any reason to think she isn't currently being faithful I would cautiously give your marriage another chance. Talk to someone to get over your anger about the situation. Best of luck to you.


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## justastatistic (May 16, 2014)

Do you know what borderline personality disorder is?? Because many posters have mentioned it in their responses but you don't even acknowledge it.

As one poster said, it's a ticking time bomb and it will go off. What do you plan to do about that??


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I agree this is a big deal and I would be constantly wondering if there any more big secrets out there. It would be hard to trust her. Because she's bipolar I would have a bigger issue, with this in mind, about her being a SAHM. She could use the time away from you to arrange meetings with other men or to plan to divorce you if you don't give her everything she wants or if she's having a bad day. I would definitely make her go to work to do her part to support the family, and yes, staying home taking care of the kids IS NOT ENOUGH. 

All of this doesn't help you heal after what you found out and I definitely would not recommend IC, since it never works nor makes a difference. You'll have to make a decision as to if you are able to continue with the marriage knowing what you know now. From what you said, I think that you may not have married her if you knew what you know now.


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## david1129 (Sep 11, 2015)

Most of what i've read about BPD fits her to a T. I'm not sure what to do. I can't force her to go to therapy. The best I can do is educate myself on her disorder and learn the right way to respond to her manipulations. Marriage counseling would be nice, I just hope I can get her to go. She's very self conscious about her BPD that she "doesn't have".


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## david1129 (Sep 11, 2015)

As far as finding his number in a recipe book, that was before I found this out by a few months. Our Zuchini is overtaking us so I was making zuchinni bread with her and found it. She said she didn't even remember it was there. I also don't think she has or is planning to cheat again. I work your standard 9-5 and live close to home so we spend my hour lunch together daily with the kids. I've snooped through her phone and facebook and never found anything that would suggest she was actively participating in,nor seeking an affair. We live in a rather small town, so I worry that finding someone qualified to deal with BPD may be impossible, At least without several hours drive. If it must be done though, we will do it.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Here's the thing with CSA, it creates deep insecurities and fears. Not just fears related to the abuse events, but fears of being found out. She probably fears anyone knowing what happened, including you. She likely feels unbelievable shame over what happened, as if she were somehow responsible for it. Many times the victim feels they have been dirtied, and nobody will love them if they know about it.

Chances are she was told by the abuser(s) these kinds of terrible things. Even worse, if she tried to tell her mother or other adult, they may have shamed her and told her to shut up. Imo much of the long term damage comes from what people said to her, and from people not protecting her.

Even you fit into this, where she may fear telling you what happened. She may fear if you knew the truth you would leave her. She is probably carrying a double burden because she knew of her sister's abuse and couldn't do anything to stop it.

There is a likely explanation why you and her dad are in her dreams. All adult men are potential threats to her. On an emotional level she is still that young child. It was adult males who molested her. You are an adult male. It is that simple and that unfortunate. This is one major reason you cannot ever be her therapist.


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## david1129 (Sep 11, 2015)

Her mom partook in the abuse. Believe me, I've tried to help her, but I just don't have the tools. How do we go about finding a good therapist/psychiatrist? The few she's seen were quacks with recommendations like try going to the farmers market on Saturday to get out and make new friends etc. I hope she can be helped. Seeing her in pain hurts me deeply too, which I suppose is how close relationships are supposed to be.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

*BPD?*


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

david1129 said:


> Her mom partook in the abuse. Believe me, I've tried to help her, but I just don't have the tools. How do we go about finding a good therapist/psychiatrist? The few she's seen were quacks with recommendations like try going to the farmers market on Saturday to get out and make new friends etc. I hope she can be helped. Seeing her in pain hurts me deeply too, which I suppose is how close relationships are supposed to be.


No, you can't help her. All you can do is tell her where the help is, and to set strong boundaries around what you'll accept from her. Get hold of the book I mentioned earlier "Haunted Marriage". You need to read it.

You're looking for someone who specializes in sex abuse trauma therapy. Beware the marriage family therapist who lists a bunch of different specialities. You're looking for someone with training and experience specifically in trauma and sex abuse. They may list a couple other specialties because they have to pay the bills, too. You might see eating disorders as one of their specialties, as those pair up with abuse frequently.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

OMG, her mom partook in the abuse? Are you for real, or a troll? How do you know this? Do you know the story of the pedophile involved in Meagen's law? He was sexual abused by his father and older brother. In 76 in the area I attend school the mother was jailed for repeatly trading her daughter's body for a new car. Your statement raises the issues to a whole other level. 

It sounds like she can not stand the thought of anyone knowing. Hence the running away from therapy. Did her sister ever confirm any of her story? Her dad? Is her sister completely shut down too? Is she really a CSA or are there other mental health issues?


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## david1129 (Sep 11, 2015)

John, I am most definitely not a troll. Her dad has told similar stories, but they aren't exactly dinner table subjects so they are very rarely brought up. How do I know? I stay up till the wee hours of the morning comforting my wife who has sudden panic attacks and reverts to childlike behavior because she just can't cope with her past. I become the subject of her intense anger and pain because she has no where else to direct it. I get to try to wrap my head around what horrible things happened to two little girls who should have been enjoying the easiest carefree years of their lives. As far as your other questions, most were already answered in previous posts. Please reread.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Thor said:


> . . . I highly recommend you read the book "Haunted Marriage: Overcoming the Ghosts of Your Spouse's Childhood Abuse" by Clark E. Barshinger. It can be a bit difficult to find. I think I bought it from his website but don't see it with a brief search. It is worth your effort to find it, as it is highly regarded as the best book out there about being married to a CSA survivor . . .


http://www.amazon.com/Haunted-Marri...YCO_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1442008409&sr=1-1


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## david1129 (Sep 11, 2015)

Thanks Carmen, I just bought the book


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

David,

You wrote, *(She's always convinced she isn't good enough for me). Then she started crying and said I need to tell you something.*

Be glad you got this confession while you are still young enough, I can almost guarantee you that your W thought about this everyday since it happened, it's good that she can begin to recover now.

I can't tell you how many BHs have put up with years and decades of trickle truth or complete denial, you at least avoided finding out 20 years from now.

Given the one circumstance, that you were broken up, even I would forgive. However no contact with this former lover must be for LIFE!

Tamat


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

I'd block ol'boy from Facebook. No more contact with him. I think she had already done him and was trying to relieve her guilt by saying it was because you broke up with her.

Yes it was once, because you can only give your virginity to one special person. She has problems and you are gonna have to get ahead of the curve to help her and your kids. God speed my man.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Some things that don't make sense:

You've been asked if your wife had Bi-Polar Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder.....no answer and in some instances you use Bipolar and others BPD

So, which is it and was she actually diagnosed with it or is this something that she told you her "doctor" said?

You said that she just had a baby in June yet has been working as a cashier for the past couple of months. 
IF this is true - then she most probably has been dealing with some post partum depression 

You mention very little about your 2 children.

Regarding the CSA - you say that you've had discussions with her Father about said abuse and that her Mother actually participated..............hmmm so why wasn't your first reaction why in the hell didn't Daddy intervene and remove his daughters' from the abuse?
In what way was her Mother involved in the abuse? 

Giving you the benefit of the doubt,

My advice
Where there's a will there's a way
If you don't have a proper specialist for her in your town , then you may have to look in the next biggest town near you. Try a town where there is a University and you might find better resources.

Fact: She needs some help to learn how to cope with whatever is going on, be it Bi-polar, Childhood Sexual Abuse, or Borderline Personality Disorder, or whatever the correct diagnosis is.
Once you have a correct diagnosis, then there are medications to try as well as BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION therapy and she needs some coping skills to be able to make it out in the real world as an employee and as a parent to help your growing children. She will have to deal with daycare people (since she is working and you have an infant and another little one) teachers, pediatricians, dentists, other parents etc.

IF everything you have shared is even remotely true - then you have soooooooo much more to worry about than a shenanigan from HIGH SCHOOL and BEFORE you were married. You need to learn to pick your battles.
You have a wife and mother to your children who is having severe difficulty coping. Presumably she is being left alone with the children, that in itself should highly motivate you to get her the accurate and correct diagnosis and then the proper help specifically geared towards recovery/management.

Regardless of whether you stay together or not (in the long run) you need to ensure that your children's mother is as mentally healthy as she can be. Even if you end up divorcing and you are the sole caregiver to your children, she will always be their mother and you owe it to them.

The longer you wait, the harder it is and will become.


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## 10th Engineer Harrison (Dec 11, 2013)

A couple things bother me a bit about this story. How long has she had that cookbook? Why would she put a reminder of the boyfriend in it? Why is she facebook friends with him?

She may not get out much, but what do you know about the old boyfriend? Does he travel? Could he have visited recently?

-10th Engineer Harrison


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## david1129 (Sep 11, 2015)

She has borderline personality disorder. I dont believe anywhere i said she was bipolar. Yes our sone was born on june 13th. She got her job relatively soon after his birth. Post partum may be accentuating her depression and episodes so to speak but they are definitely there even before she was pregnant with our daughter. I just came hete looking for advice on all that o have to figure out. The sex thing was the reason i realized i cant do this on my own.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

You might take this opportunity to speak with the pediatrician or her obgyn ABOUT post-partum depression and start from there.

Your child isn't even 3 months old yet - add to everything else extreme exhaustion.

Good luck dude.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

And, look you were not even together when she had sex with the other dude, you were high school kids. Best advice is to just get over it.....

You have more on your plate to worry about than that, right?!


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

david1129 said:


> I guess it just bothers me that I leave her for hanging out with him behind my back, so she goes and hangs out with him, and ****s him.


 This only confirms that she was more than just hanging out with him when you left her back then, and that her whole platonic story for secretly seeing him behind your back was total bull. To think that right after she had sex with him she called you "in hysterics the next morning saying how much she loved" you, "that his dad had just died and he had no one yadayada", what an act. Also, this changes things such that she must go full no contact with him, including not being FaceBook friends.


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## eastsouth2000 (Jul 21, 2015)

do not take bpd lightly best to see a counselor

most cases of cheating occur due to postpartum depression not being addressed. so i suggest as soon as possible get her some counseling.

you have to keep an eye on that depression. this can make women vulnerable. specially to players.

depression makes people vulnerable.

you have to address her comfort her if she is in that state. don't ever leave it unresolved.

you have a lot of work get to it. this is an up hill battle. find ways to make her happy.

again ASAP, counseling counseling counseling, Yesterday!


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

OK lets see it. 

1.Your wife cheated on you
2.She is friends with him on fb.
3.She has his phone number and she hide it from you

First of all your wife is lying,a good wife or good husband should never hide anything from their spouses.

You should DNA your kids

If she loves you like you just said,then she should go and try to help herself,but most importanly she should try to help you and your kids.

Do you know what is Borderline Personality Disorder ??? You keep telling us your wife is ok with that,well my friend if you want to live with that then good luck to you.

She is risking your life and your kids life.
Even when she goes to the job she is easly to manipulate from others so she needs help ASAP.


This is what you HAVE TO DO :

1.Tell her to block all contacts with this guy or other guys,you never knew
2.Tell her to go and ask for some help ASAP

Good luck to you. You will need it


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Unique Username said:


> And, look you were not even together when she had sex with the other dude, you were high school kids. Best advice is to just get over it.....
> 
> You have more on your plate to worry about than that, right?!


Sorry but the "Just get over it" advise is some of the worst advice ever.

I have seen far too many people eventually explode from not dealing with hurt by trying to "Just get over it".

It wasn't a usual break up. She was behaving like an idiot and seeing her ex on the sly. OP found out what she was doing and made the break.

If she had two brain cells to rub together, she would have cut her ex out permanently and then begged him to come back.

Instead she heads for the other guy's penis like a heat seeking missile, fvcks him and then calls from the dudes bathroom fresh from getting banged and begs to come back, omitting the tiny detail that she just got done sampling the guy's unit. The very guy she was stupidly harming her relationship to see behind her man's back.

Pretty shytty behavior.

I get she is one screwed up pup but what she did caused some pretty significant pain and for OP to just ignore it is foolhardy.

He has expressed a desire to stay with her and she obviously needs serious help but he could use some good advice to help heal from the damage she did.

I have never understood dismissing someone's injuries and pain like that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Lot's of issues, she needs IC for sure. What you can do immediately...

1) Dump "Ex" from F--kBook. It only took 2 weeks, for my wife to "re-connect" with ex on FB. In 2 weeks time they were meeting in the Hotel No Tell for sex. This after 30 years of No-Contact. 

2) No opposite sex "Friends" on FB. Sounds childish I know, until "it" happens to you.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

david1129 said:


> She's very self conscious about her BPD that she "doesn't have".


David, BPD by its very nature tends to be invisible to those suffering from it. This is why its said to be "egosyntonic," which means that the thought distortions are such a familiar way of thinking for BPDers that they are unaware these distortions are abnormally strong in them. 

I've not seen any statistics on it but my guess is that perhaps only 4 or 5% of BPDers have sufficient self awareness to realize they are experiencing frequent thought distortions. The vast majority of those "self awares," however, lack the ego strength to do anything about the problems. I therefore would be surprised if any more than 1% of high functioning BPDers will stay in therapy long enough, and work hard enough, to make a real difference.



> I can't force her to go to therapy. and learn the right way to respond to her manipulations. I just hope I can get her to go.


"Forcing her" into therapy likely would be a total waste of money. Unless the BPDer is strongly self motivated to take advantage of therapy, she likely will just play mind games with the therapist -- at enormous cost to you.

My BPDer exW, for example, was sexually abused in childhood just like your W. Indeed, in my exW's case, she and her two sisters were all sexually abused for years by their own father. Being a caregiver like you, I insisted that my exW go to therapy. She complied, with the result that I spent a small fortune sending her to weekly therapy with six different psychologists for 15 years. Yet, because she is one of the 99% of high functioning BPDers lacking self awareness and ego strength, all that expensive "therapy" failed to make even a small dent in her BPD traits. 



> Marriage counseling would be nice.


I seriously doubt that. In addition to taking my exW to six psychologists, I also took her to numerous weekly visits with 3 different MCs. My experience -- and that of hundreds of other abused partners I've discussed this with online -- is that MC likely will be a total waste of time and money. Until a BPDer has learned to manage her far more serious issues (e.g., the lack of emotional skills and inability to trust), teaching her simple communication skills -- which is what MCs do so well -- likely will only result in making her better at controlling you. On top of that, untreated BPDers usually use MC only as a stage on which to beat you up in front of an approving audience (the MC). 



> The best I can do is educate myself on her disorder


Toward that end, David, I offer several suggestions: *First,* I suggest that -- in addition to reading the excellent book recommended by Thor -- you also read _Stop Walking on Eggshells._ It is the best-selling BPD book targeted to the abused spouses. 

*Second,* I suggest you start participating (or at least lurking) at BPDfamily.com -- the most active BPD forum I've found that is devoted fully to the spouses and family members of BPDers. It offers eight separate message boards on various BPD issues. The ones that likely will be most helpful to you are the _"Staying"_ and _"Leaving"_ boards and the _"Raising a Child when One Parent Has BPD"_ board.
While you are there at BPDfamily.com, I suggest you read the excellent articles in their resources section. 

*Third,* I suggest you read an explanation of how we excessive caregivers get to be this way during childhood. I recommend Shari Schreiber's article at Do You Love to be Needed, or Need to be Loved? Schreiber argues that, due to childhood dynamics with our parents, our desire to be _needed _(for what we can do) FAR exceeds our desire to be _loved_ (for the men we already are). 

*Finally*, I suggest you take a quick look at my list of _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_. You likely will find most of those signs to sound very, very familiar. If so, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, David.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

JohnA said:


> OMG, her mom partook in the abuse? Are you for real, or a troll?


This is more common in CSA that you think. It happened in my FOO, dad was the perpetrator and mom knew about it (all of it) while it was happening (many years), covered for dad, destroyed evidence and prevented the victims from getting outside help from another adult.

Four siblings and the abuse didn't stop until one of us, as a teenager, told dad we would kill him if he touched anyone ever again. Dad believed it and stopped. Moral of my family's story is that some women will do anything to keep a man in their bed; some will sacrifice their children. Yes it is absolutely evil and yes, it happens in families.

OP, the part where your wife says her sister took the brunt of the abuse is a very common self-protection/denial technique used by CSA survivors. Fragile, abused minds need to deny to protect themselves from what they cannot face.


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## old red (Jul 26, 2014)

From Conan Hub:


Sorry but the "Just get over it" advise is some of the worst advice ever.

I have seen far too many people eventually explode from not dealing with hurt by trying to "Just get over it".

It wasn't a usual break up. She was behaving like an idiot and seeing her ex on the sly. OP found out what she was doing and made the break.

If she had two brain cells to rub together, she would have cut her ex out permanently and then begged him to come back.

Instead she heads for the other guy's penis like a heat seeking missile, fvcks him and then calls from the dudes bathroom fresh from getting banged and begs to come back, omitting the tiny detail that she just got done sampling the guy's unit. The very guy she was stupidly harming her relationship to see behind her man's back.

Pretty shytty behavior.

I get she is one screwed up pup but what she did caused some pretty significant pain and for OP to just ignore it is foolhardy.

He has expressed a desire to stay with her and she obviously needs serious help but he could use some good advice to help heal from the damage she did.

I have never understood dismissing someone's injuries and pain like that.


Needed to be said again.


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

Oh come on! I know discovering these things years later hurts. I know! The fact remains this mentally ill girl was in high school...dumped...allowed her ex to have sex with her (bloody hard given her trust issues...very self destructive!)...went to the bathroom burst into tears, collapsed on the floor & called HIM!! This does NOT sound like great sex! This sounds like another traumatic experience.

DNA test the kids!!?!? REALLY? She broke down & told him about this one experience & he's going to put his family through that embarrassment?!?

I'm a BS. I know the devastation. This is something so different. I understand things said in the heat of the moment but I truly believe its WRONG to treat her like just any other cheating wife! Saying those things has really damaged her. I think the OP has calmed & realizes this is a small part of a huge problem. 
Even if they end-up apart he has the responsibility to her as his wife & mother of his children to try to help her. Borderline personality disorder is very 'big' at the moment. It covers a multitude of things. I got pulled into that as a possible diagnosis for my H. He's COMPLETELY different from his wife. Find a proper Psycologist NOT a therapist. 

She is very broken. Please try to help her. I understand your pain but this is bigger, much bigger! I'm not saying that anyone should stay with someone who's mentally sick but please try for the sake of your kids to make her as healthy as you can before you leave.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

BrokenLady.

Just because someone is mentally ill does not mean they don't seriously harm others and relationships.

She needs help but to simply overlook the fact that her stupidity hasn't caused harm and trust issues is foolish.

Just because a mentally ill person stabs you doesn't mean you don't lock them up and tend to the injury they inflicted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

I dont see true infidelity here.
BPD do have a higher incidence of it, but i see little. You were broken up.
Imho this belongs where we put psychological issues.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

weightlifter said:


> I dont see true infidelity here.
> BPD do have a higher incidence of it, but i see little. You were broken up.
> Imho this belongs where we put psychological issues.


:iagree:


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
You asked specifically for advice on how to handle finding out that your now wife had sex with an ex back in HS before you were married. There are many complicating factors involved but I will try to address only that issue. If we examine this logically, assuming your descriptions of events are accurate, then we must conclude that your then GF was extremely immature and as such very insecure and vindictive. Upon finding out that she had been "hanging out" with her ex you became angry and broke off your relationship with her. In her young mind she was both angry and indignant that she would be treated in this way so she did what most children would do, she lashed out.

After having done so her rage calmed and the reality of what she had done suddenly hit her. She called you crying and apologizing for her actions and begged forgiveness. This is not typical of people with a cheating mentality but is much more representative of an immature person who realizes she made a mistake. The fact that she openly confessed this to you years later further points to this conclusion. So, if we conclude that she is not a "cheater", in the truest sense of the word, then your inability to trust her would be an overreaction.

That leaves us with your thoughts of the OG (I use other guy because in HS boys are usually a far cry from men) "railing her" and giving her something you could not. Again, if we look at this logically, if this OG did indeed give her more than you could why would she call you crying, begging you to take her back? Would it not be logical for her to pursue a relationship with the one from whom she felt she received the most in the way security, respect, caring and pleasure? I posit that she did just that. If he had been this special creature your mind has made him out to be why would she come back to you, the inferior prospect, begging to be forgiven and taken back? It would be illogical as is your mind ascribing the OG traits which he clearly lacks.

She handled the situation poorly, as would most HS kids but I do believe your angst regarding the OG is unfounded and should therefore be relegated to the realm of immaturity. She made what she determined to be the best choice and you should consider yourself as such.


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## david1129 (Sep 11, 2015)

Maybe this thread now belongs in another area,but the "infidelity" I overreacted on was just the very small beginning of my hell of a weekend. I came home from work and found her still seeming off and distant as i mentioned earlier. She couldn't go to bed,so i offered to get her a melatonin. When I came back with it, She examined it closely and declared that what I was giving her wasn't melatonin. That i was trying to poison her to get rid of her. And my stupid self didn't realize something was very wrong at that moment still.

The next morning i made a big batch of scrambled eggs, and gave her a bowl. She examined every piece of egg in her bowl to confirm i hadn't put anything in it, and didn't eat anything. I was growing very concerned, but didn't think professional intervention was necessary yet. I offered to take her out of town about an hour away where she loves to go because they have all kinds of shopping and family stuff to do. Her response was she knew what was in that town. I asked what was there and she told me the women's prison. She thought I was trying to lock her up to escape from her or something. A few hours later I suggested we get Panda Express for dinner because It's her favorite and she still hadn't eaten anything all day which is very out of character for her. We decided to pick up Panda, and go over and visit her grandparents. They are very close with us and the only people we have since we moved here. Once we got to there house, she starte crying and saying she had to go home and couldn't go inside because she was afraid. So i took her home, and gain she started bawling and saying the house was like Hell due to flies inside and scratches on the wall. The flies weren't all that bad, and our wall definitely has no scratches. I immediately took her into the hospital.

Once we arrived, they asked for a urine sample and told her not to touch it to herself because a clean sample was needed. After about 5 minutes, I went in to check on her in the bathroom and found her staring at her filled cup on the ground. I asked what she was doing and she said she didn't know what to do because it has to be clean, and he pee definitely wasn't clean. She was implying that they requested her to have clean looking urine. i told her it was fine, took the cup and gave it to the Doc. They sent a psychologist in to talk with her. He decided she was suffering from depression and to make a follow up appointment with her PCP in 5 days. Even though I told him about the paranoia and things that didn;t make since. (She also thought her mother had flown to Korea to Kill her sister and was hysterically crying about it despite the fact that there was no feasible way she could have.)

On the way home, she says to take her back to the hospital because she might hurt herself at home. I comply and take her back. She wanted to go home once we got there. I asked if she would hurt herself if we did go home and she said maybe. I forced her to go in and they booked her into a mental group home sort of place. This all took place at around 1am.

I visisted her today, and the psychiatrist there said she's very slowed down. has a hard time understanding simple tasks and it was quite the chore convincing that if she signed some paperwork, I'd be able to go see her. She is still being observed, but he believes she in the middle of a psychotic break caused by Bi polar disorder. Bi polar runs in her family, but I had never heard of manic bipolar causing sluggishness, confusion,and psychosis. But hey, what do I know?

Visitation was rough to say the least. It's like she's checked out or something. She doesn't say much other than that she needs help. I tell her that's why she's here and she says yeah. There was about 20 seconds of sunshine where we thumb wrestled like we used to do when we were bored, and she seemed to be herself. Radiant smile, laughing etc. Then mid thumb wrestle match she just stopped using her fingers, and got the same dull expression on her face like she was elsewhere. It broke my heart honestly. She thought by filling out their admission forms, she was signing away custody of our children. She asked the therapist if she got better and was being very good if she could live in our garage for a while and if that works out if she could move into the home eventually. That really broke my heart. She thinks she's such a bad person that she shouldn't be allowed inside. She also indicated that she needed help quitting alcohol and that she had been promiscuous and had been sleeping with a lot of different guys. Neither of which is true. The last time she was drunk was last year on her sisters birthday. And believe me, she can;t hold her booze. We don't even have alcohol in our house.When I told her I was going home to get clothes and stuff for her, it was like the only words she heard was I was going. She hugged me tightly and was crying. It took 5 minute to convince her I wasn;t leaving her for good, and that I would be back soon. She is very much like a lost sad little girl right now. 

So now I'm sitting home alone with the kids for the second night, trying hard to be a dad and mom, and convince my 3 year old that mommy's at work. They are in bed now, but when I think of all that's taken place in the last 2 nights, I break down. I have no idea if the woman I love and married is coming back. I don't know what to tell my kid for much longer. The house is lonely and my bed feels empty. I miss her asking me for cuddles and good night kisses. I miss being able to touch her at all. I have no idea what to do next. I have day care figured out this week for the kids so I can work, but grandparents might not be up for much more than that.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

david1129 said:


> The psychiatrist there said she's... in the middle of a psychotic break caused by Bi polar disorder. Bi polar runs in her family, but I had never heard of manic bipolar causing sluggishness, confusion,and psychosis.


David, I am so sorry to hear that, in addition to BPD, your W likely suffers from bipolar-1 also. Yes, it is very common for bipolar-1 disorder to produce mania so strong that the person slips into psychosis. I've seen it happen at least ten times with my bipolar-1 foster son, whom I had to take to the ER each time and have him hospitalized. With him, his mania always gets worse until it produces psychosis unless he gets on a mood stabilizer (e.g., lithium) soon enough. By the time a bipolar sufferer is experiencing mania, however, it typically is impossible to persuade him to take the mood stabilizer.

Moreover, it also is common for a BPD sufferer to also have co-occurring bipolar-1. Indeed, a recent study of 35,000 American adults found that a third of female BPDers also have bipolar-1. See Table 3 at 2008 Study in JCP. If you're interested, I describe the major differences I've seen between the behaviors of bipolar sufferers (e.g., my foster son) and BPDers (e.g., my exW) at 12 Bipolar/BPD Differences.



> I have no idea if the woman I love and married is coming back.


Yes, she is coming back. Unfortunately, the BPD will still be with her. With regard to the bipolar-1, however, the current episode will pass. Because it is caused by an imbalance in body chemistry, the prescribed mood stabilizer and anti-psychotic drugs will eventually restore her health. Some folks recover quite quickly from psychosis and others take many months.

My foster son, for example, takes about two months before his mind is sufficiently clear to be released from the hospital. And he takes another 3 months before his mind is back to being as clear as he normally is. Other people, however, can heal from psychosis more quickly than that.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Very sorry David. It seems like she is halfway reliving parts of her childhood and early relationship with you and she is obviously feeling crushing guilt and hasn't ever been able to develop coping mechanisms.

Definitely agree with this being moved to the proper forum.

She did cheat at first, at least emotionally, and then did an incredibly shytty thing by sleeping with the guy but she isn't close to being able to deal with any of it.

I bet you she has been packing things away and shoving things down her whole life because she hasn't had the tools to deal with her negative experiences and emotions.

Again, really sorry. I think you should level with your kids and let them know mommy is sick right now. It might be nice for them to visit her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## eastsouth2000 (Jul 21, 2015)

wait! something popped up i my mind. she told you about her "affair" from way back.

could this be her checking your reaction to an affair? so yeah you better state clearly what you feel about it.


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

I'm so very sorry. We moved from England too the USA & coping with illness without a large support system can be brutal. Reach out for help (I need to take that advise more!) Do you have family that could come & stay while you're going through this? 

I have a friend with VERY managed Bi-polar. She does have some bad times but has found a great balance of meds that keep her so stable that most people don't know that anythings wrong.

Now you know what you're dealing with. I know it doesn't seem like it but that's a break through! Love, reassure & support her. That's all you can do at the moment. Once she's stabilized she will be more willing to finally deal with her problems.

Bi-polar can be managed. It's a far more positive diagnosis than borderline personality disorder. If I was diagnosed with borderline & researched it I would be devastated & in denial like your wife! It seems like a mean, hopeless disorder. 

You & your family are in my thoughts.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I'm so sorry man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## david1129 (Sep 11, 2015)

It sucks big time. Thank you all for your support. And Broken Lady,you're probably right. A known enemy is better than one you don't know right? AS far as support, we only have her grandparents and there's only so much they can do because of their age. They did watch my kids today while I was working. i get the feeling I only have a few more days left before a more permanent solution is found. I went and visited her again today, and it went very well. She seemed to be mostly herself with the odd trailing sentence and drop into wherever she goes,but at least this time she spent more time being my wife than the stranger as I call her in my head. They had me on the impression when she first arrived that she should only be there for 3 days. Well, at least they impressed upon me that that was the average length of time anyhow. I asked about her being released tomorrow, but it didn't seem too promising. They said to call around noon and talk with the head psychiatrist for her opinion after she interviews my wife some more. But it did seem like we're looking at Wednesday the earliest. 

Nights are by far the worst. I sit in this house, surrounded by pictures of her and us in high school, at prom, goofy pictures we've taken over the years etc. I can't help but stare and think how much better I could have been if I'd known where I'd be today. I guess you really shouldn't take good times for granted. Work helps me keep my mind off things, but the whole time I'm there, I think i should be doing something to support her, but there really is nothing. Also I'm a wee bit crabby  
My 3 yr old hasn't asked any questions about mommy yet, although I'm dreading them. 

I'm praying she can come home tomorrow. I used to like a break from wife and kids for a day while I did my own thing. Now that She's there all i want is her back home to laugh and joke and cook with me. I look back on the birth of our children and remember the biggest grin I've ever seen her have on her face. If She doesn't come all the way back through the psychosis, That's how i'm going to remember her.


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

Holy f*ckaroni I am sorry wow good that you got her some help in the nick of time too 

God bless your family and give everyone strength David


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

david1129 said:


> Her sister is actually good. She has been in the armed forces for a few years now. She is in a stable relationship, not married but will be when her enlistment is over. All the stories I've heard have all been things that happened to her sister that she either witnessed, or knew was happening but wasn't in the same room. I'm sure there is a lot I don't know. She isn't a fan of talking about this stuff. She can't remember a lot though. Sometimes she has recurring dream in which she can remember people touching her, the feeling of it happening and how she felt at the time. For some reason when she opens her eyes in the dreams the peopl doing are people who weren't around at all when this stuff was going on. Like her dad who protected her, or me sometimes. Like her mind won't let her actually see who it was.


David, I was also married to a CSA victim, and she claimed a lot happened to her sister, much of what she was telling me didn't add up, I suspected that it was all just a lie.

Shortly after hearing of a PA I went into sleuth mode. I found a box of letters, many of the letters were addressed to the predator, they were never delivered obviously. I realized that what my wife was describing as happening to her sister actually had happened to my wife.


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## imperfectworld (Jan 18, 2015)

Best wishes to you. Try to take care of yourself through it all. I went through remarkably similar circumstances early this year including having her involuntarily committed to a mental hospital for a week. Things finally started to get better after that.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

david1129 said:


> If She doesn't come all the way back through the psychosis, That's how i'm going to remember her.


David, if she has bipolar, she almost certainly will recover fully from the psychosis. As I said, my foster son has always taken months to recover but many people recover far faster, some in only a few days. 

When I once checked him into the ER, for example, I saw a dozen police men come in with a psychotic man who apparently was so dangerous that they had him handcuffed and leg cuffed to the gurney he was wheeled around on, flat on his back. The hospital staff and police cleared everyone out of the hallways while that crazy man was being wheeled through, on his way to the padded "rubber room" in the psychiatric wing -- where he would be unable to hurt himself or anyone else.

Well, two days later -- when I was visiting my psychotic foster son -- I ended up sitting right next to the dangerous wild man in the TV room of the psychiatric wing. What had happened was that he had suddenly experienced a psychotic break down when he learned that his wife had just died. The anti-psychotics brought him back to sanity in just two days. He was actually an intelligent, very gentle man.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

Everybody BP (bipolar) I have ever met was either in a funk or loopy, but still seemed sane. This psychosis is beyond my understanding of the symptoms, somebody please explain @Uptown

I am all to familiar with BPD wife, sadly. I put all my hope into behavioral therapy, learnt it, studied it endlessly, it was the gospel, or so I thought... I didn't even get the opportunity to exercise that knowledge, to her DBT was just a hurdle to overcome, a crutch she could kick from under me.

David, treat her early, as soon as you can, once they hit midlife, your not teaching them, your accepting it is what it is.
At that point, I'm sorry bro, my only advice is to walk away like crutches are passé.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

David, I am sorry for your situation and hope and pray that your wife gets the help she needs so she can become better.

It is very clear that you two love each other and should be with one another and also that she is damaged and unwell.

I normally go scorched earth on infidelity but this is one case that I am praying that the two of you get back together and are healthy and happy going forward.

My advice - your wife (to whom you made vows about supporting her in sickness and in health) needs you now more than ever and I hope you can be there for her to help her heal and reassuring her of your love for her.

God Bless my friend.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

> Everybody BP (bipolar) I have ever met was either in a funk or loopy, but still seemed sane. This psychosis is beyond my understanding of the symptoms, somebody please explain @*Uptown*.


Gouge, the bipolar-2 sufferers, of course, are very unlikely to ever experience psychosis because they suffer only a mild form of mania. Bipolar-1 sufferers like my foster son, however, usually do experience psychosis because their mania can be very strong when it occurs. 

A 2011 study concludes, _"About two-thirds of manic episodes are psychotic, with delusions and hallucinations. Mania usually requires psychiatric hospitalization."_ See Prim Care Companion CNS Disord. 2011; 13(4). I've not seen this prevalence figure cited in any other journals so I don't know if this figure has been substantiated by similar studies.


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