# 'spice-up-your-marriage-and-sex-life' tips that are USELESS for me



## FurryFluffy (Dec 2, 2011)

Hi everyone, need some advice here 

I'm a 30yo woman, and I've been married for 4 years. Overall, he's a good husband, except for sex.

back when we were dating, sex was hot and spontaneous. after 2 years of marriage, the passion was suddenly going under the floor.Problem is, I love my husband and he's such a turn on for me.

In the last year (2011), we only had sex 2 times, each 4-6 months apart. I'm depressed because I think I do everything in my power to keep his interest in me stays on the track. I go to gym, I keep my appearance on tabs and we have plenty of times together since we both working from home and we're without children.

I don't see anyone else, and I'm not getting off about having an affair or 'get it done' with another man. So I initiated a bit. I wanted to spice up this sex life with him.

I talked about costumes and role playing with him, just to have him frowned and saying that he wasn't into those things. Ok, checked. So on a fortunate night [or unfortunate] when we finally got it in the groove, I asked him to play this game: 'name 5 things you love the most about us having a romantic moment'.
I let myself got carried away, and I started talking dirty [without f word, s word, whatever word, just hot talking], ended up he resenting me, couldn't get the intercourse done, let alone the big O.

I feel stupid, naked, idiot, and cheap. I now can't stand the fact that I actually let him to have sex with me; I can't stand the fact that I'm his wife; I can't stand to be touched by him, etc.

Should I file for divorce? We have no kids after all and the dogs surely come with me.

help?thank you everyone


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## bellamaxjoy (Oct 27, 2011)

Have you just tried asking him if he would consider sex more often? Have you told him you need to have sex more than a couple times a year, and that it is important to you. I recently quit, "beating around the bush" with my husband, and just said, this is really important to me, we need more intimacy. Maybe try that?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

How is he getting his needs met? Do you know?

In other words.. does he really have zero sex drive (and why, and what is he doing about it) or is he getting "off" some other way \ person?

Everyone will scream that this is not normal for a guy to go 6 months. And they are probably right. 

Whatever is going on.. it shouldn't be acceptable to just not have sex for months at a time. Find out why.


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## FurryFluffy (Dec 2, 2011)

bellamaxjoy said:


> Have you just tried asking him if he would consider sex more often? Have you told him you need to have sex more than a couple times a year, and that it is important to you. I recently quit, "beating around the bush" with my husband, and just said, this is really important to me, we need more intimacy. Maybe try that?


I already did. I already asked him what's wrong with us, with him, and with me; so we both can find solution together. But he said that nothing was wrong; that he was just tired (aw come on, constantly being tired for the whole year?)

I also said that this sex thing is not only about the physical, that I want to feel close. Even we're always together, it doesn't mean we do the talking. Yes we talk, but mostly it's about work since we both work in the same field, or the dogs, or 'what's for dinner' thing; then go to bed like it's the same routine.

Im hitting a wall here


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## FurryFluffy (Dec 2, 2011)

deejov said:


> How is he getting his needs met? Do you know?
> 
> In other words.. does he really have zero sex drive (and why, and what is he doing about it) or is he getting "off" some other way \ person?
> 
> ...


This crossed my mind once. Did he get it somewhere else? But come to think of it, it's highly unlikely. He stays at home most of the time, and if he goes somewhere he'd ask for me to go with him. We're like having this 24/7 together life. If it's about social life, it is I who have friends to hang out for a coffee etc. He doesn't. He meets people for work or for church-thing.

Sometimes, I wish that he'd come to me one day, telling me that he's gay (I don't mind at all, really. I have lots of gay friends, and they're nice persons). But he doesn't show the signs.

And about getting off on porn (that's the easiest explanation), again, it's me the porn 'expert'.

i find my problem is so frustrating because i dont know the 5Ws and that H


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Stop being so nice?
Express your needs, and boundaries. If it is unacceptable to you... tell him so.
Give him specific solutions. Go see a doctor. Go see a counsellor. 

Go on date nights on a regular basis. Schedule it. Tell him what you want, specifically. Twice a week, once a month, or whatever. 
Tell him you want "date nights" every Saturday. Have a nap during the day, forego housework, get a housecleaner.

Start being more physically initimate without having sex. Flirting, etc.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

If an affair is ruled out, he may have a medical condition that has lowered his libido. You should get him to the doctor to rule that out. If you think he will balk, just get him in for a physical and call the doctor yourself and tell him your concerns and ask him to consider them during the exam.

If there is no physical condition, then you may need to implement the thermostat approach. You are the hot spouse and your husband is the cold spouse. Your husband is comfortable with the current temperature in the marriage. If you lower your temperature, then he will have to raise his in order to keep the equilibrium he wants.

So stop doing things for him. Start to match his effort in your marriage. If you are meeting his needs by being his companion, but he's not meeting your needs sexually, stop meeting his needs. Stop inviting him with you when you're going out. Stop going with him when he's going out. Destabilize your relationship a bit to knock him into action.


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## FurryFluffy (Dec 2, 2011)

deejov said:


> Stop being so nice?
> Express your needs, and boundaries. If it is unacceptable to you... tell him so.
> Give him specific solutions. Go see a doctor. Go see a counsellor.
> 
> ...


that's why i name the thread 'spice-up-your-marriage-and-sex-life' tips that are USELESS for me :|

I already tried several 'methods'; nice way, angry way, frisky way, the only thing I haven't tried was maybe pointing a gun at him.

We don't get a nap, our small business is growing, and we have a house cleaner coming every day.I already asked him to seek a professional help, but since we are Asians and we live in South East Asia, sex isn't the thing you want to go forward and talk about it with strangers.

About leisure time, we have it on regular basis; we'd go to the spa but then again, we'd just sit and talk about nothing but work (yay?)

pretty confusing --;;


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> If an affair is ruled out, he may have a medical condition that has lowered his libido. You should get him to the doctor to rule that out. If you think he will balk, just get him in for a physical and call the doctor yourself and tell him your concerns and ask him to consider them during the exam.
> 
> If there is no physical condition, then you may need to implement the thermostat approach. You are the hot spouse and your husband is the cold spouse. Your husband is comfortable with the current temperature in the marriage. If you lower your temperature, then he will have to raise his in order to keep the equilibrium he wants.
> 
> So stop doing things for him. Start to match his effort in your marriage. If you are meeting his needs by being his companion, but he's not meeting your needs sexually, stop meeting his needs. Stop inviting him with you when you're going out. Stop going with him when he's going out. Destabilize your relationship a bit to knock him into action.


 :iagree:


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## FurryFluffy (Dec 2, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> If you are meeting his needs by being his companion, but he's not meeting your needs sexually, stop meeting his needs. Stop inviting him with you when you're going out. Stop going with him when he's going out. Destabilize your relationship a bit to knock him into action.


Worth trying. Let's see where this leads to  :iagree:


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## FurryFluffy (Dec 2, 2011)

Wajee said:


> You say you love him so much and no other affair at all then why you think about divorce . It is not a solution . Any other option you can try .


Because :
1. I can't stand it anymore; it's a dead end with no way out except stepping back.
2. I love him, hence, maybe, just maybe, the reason of he couldn't function is me. maybe he'd function well with someone else. who knows? it's not im going to let him missing his life, right?he's 28 fgs..


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Is your husband able to perform sexually when you do have intercourse? You seemed to suggest that he may have issues there, so could he have ED or severe performance anxiety issues?

In either case, a check with the doctor would be a good first step, and sometimes using something like Viagra may work to help a guy get some of his mojo back if he had performance anxiety problems.

Do you think he's intimidated by your exuberance? Or he could be turned off if he thinks that women are not supposed to be the aggressor?

Here's the thermostat thread, if you haven't already read through it. It may be just the strategy that you need to try to get some kind of a reaction from him.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html

Best wishes.


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## FurryFluffy (Dec 2, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Is your husband able to perform sexually when you do have intercourse? You seemed to suggest that he may have issues there, so could he have ED or severe performance anxiety issues?


barely. sometimes he could get it right, but it's barely reach the middle of the game.
yes I did think that ED is the main problem, but i then noticed that he got it fine other than intercourse. I know that he's the nocturnal instead of the early morning erection type. 



Enchantment said:


> In either case, a check with the doctor would be a good first step, and sometimes using something like Viagra may work to help a guy get some of his mojo back if he had performance anxiety problems.


i dont want he gets his mojo back just because he takes the blue pill :|
I'd rather have a sexless marriage than having popping pills rite everytime I need my fuse 'repaired'.



Enchantment said:


> Do you think he's intimidated by your exuberance? Or he could be turned off if he thinks that women are not supposed to be the aggressor?


This....well, so what am I suppose to do then? Enlight me :|



Enchantment said:


> Here's the thermostat thread, if you haven't already read through it. It may be just the strategy that you need to try to get some kind of a reaction from him.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html
> 
> Best wishes.


thanks Enchantment   it's very kind of you  will check it out asap


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## FurryFluffy (Dec 2, 2011)

deejov said:


> Start being more physically initimate without having sex. Flirting, etc.


I just notice this line; well, the fact is he's pretty physically intimate with me without the erotic - touchy- feely thing.
He'd come to my station just to give me a bear hug or kiss my hair, but I feel like I'm not being a woman/wife. It feels like I'm a cuddly plush toy.

As for myself, no, I'm not the kind of giving free hug/kiss. Rarely initiate on this huggy thing as well.

wait..why do I feel like I'm the male here? 0_0


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

FurryFluffy said:


> i dont want he gets his mojo back just because he takes the blue pill :|
> I'd rather have a sexless marriage than having popping pills rite everytime I need my fuse 'repaired'.


ED meds like Viagra and Cialis don't increase desire or libido. They simply address the physical conditions of ED. That said, if his low drive/ED are connected psychological issues, the meds could indeed help resolve the issue as a whole...if they take care of the physical aspect, his subconscious can then take care of the mental aspect. Then...voila! His mojo is back, both physically and mentally, with the meds no longer necessary.

If he truly is "tired" all the time, though, it most definitely might be worth having his testosterone levels checked. Low libido, ED, fatigue and irritability are all symptoms of low testosterone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bellamaxjoy (Oct 27, 2011)

My husband had to use the pills, and sometimes still does. But having taken them a few times, and sex being GREAT it has gotten him back in the groove, and he doesnt need them so much now. They may just help him start feeling good about his needs again?


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## monkeyface (Dec 2, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> So stop doing things for him. Start to match his effort in your marriage. If you are meeting his needs by being his companion, but he's not meeting your needs sexually, stop meeting his needs. Stop inviting him with you when you're going out. Stop going with him when he's going out. Destabilize your relationship a bit to knock him into action.


This advice seems like it would do more harm than good  Sounds like it would made the divide even wider, no?


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## FurryFluffy (Dec 2, 2011)

hi everyone, he went out of town for couple of days back when i wrote the first post on the thread.
by the time he got back, i told him about the divorce option if we continue on this state of marriage.

then blablabla, mundane details of 'so-here-we-go-again' fight; but the point is he's never gonna take that divorce option. 

So, we were going science; at least it's the most objective thing we can do.
It appears that he has low testosterone level; meanwhile on the opposite, I have high testosterone level for a woman. 
So after we laughed about the fact, we sat down and had a long talk.

He said that he loves me for who I am: blatant tomboy girl; but sometimes he wonders if I ever be more gentle and caring [-____________- gentle?]
We're Asians, and well yeah, here, women are supposedly to be lady-like or something like that [gentle?? geezz]. 

Other than that, we're apparently okay. Just hormone glitch; looks like we've got our genitals got switched or something like that.

We're still working on it, so thank you everyone for your supporting posts


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

FurryFluffy said:


> Because :
> 1. I can't stand it anymore; it's a dead end with no way out except stepping back.
> 2. I love him, hence, maybe, just maybe, the reason of he couldn't function is me. maybe he'd function well with someone else. who knows? it's not im going to let him missing his life, right?he's 28 fgs..


Furry Fluffy, you are missing the point... nice name BTW

You talked to your husband about this and he says there is no problem. Let me translate: he is ok with having sex that infrequently, he doesnt see it as a problem like you do.

You can make yourself crazy over the next few years trying and not trying and him just sitting there going along with his things. 

Point number 2... you spend too much time together. You may have crossed into friend/business zone, bc you are always around each other. There are some couples who make this work, I could, but it would require both spouses.

So, you can shake it up as suggested, great suggestions. If you cannot work outside the home, then are you in separate rooms? If in the same workroom, can you re-organize so that there is a divider shelf unit of some sort between you? Do you have another area you can set up your office in, with a viable explanation other than trying to get distance... such as "more light over here" or "quieter." 

He sounds like just a homebody type man, and he is ok with not going out alot, not having excitement, it just sounds as if, that is who he is. If that is who he is, he is not motivated to change it. 

You also mentioned church stuff that he likes. Use the scripture as your best friend. 

Ephesians 5:22-33 - Wives submit to your husbands, husbands love your wives...

And actually, this one alone says it all... 1 Corinthians 7:1-6..."Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for man not to marry. 2 But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then, come together again so that Satan will not tempt you bc of your lack of control."

Meet him on his own "terms" with 1 Corinthians and say calmly that you do not want to let Satan have a grip and that you need to fulfill this scripture in order to stave off Satan from tempting you with passions elsewhere. You fulfill his desire when it happens 2 times a year (ugh) and yet this scripture clearly states that it is to go BOTH ways, not just HIS needs... his body belongs to you as much as yours belongs to him... and do not deprive each other lest giving Satan a chance to sneak in! If he is very religious, he should get that. It is to forsake your vows to each other in front of God to forsake and deprive each other's needs.

Good luck! I personally would divorce him bc your drives are so mismatched and you dont have kids yet, but I dont know what it is like in your culture and area of the globe and maybe its not as easy to do it where you are. Here in America, if you dont have kids or combined assets, its fairly easy to leave these days.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Sorry, I just saw your last post. Low testosterone or not, he is still functioning and you want sex more often. Good luck! Glad you can laugh about it.


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## FurryFluffy (Dec 2, 2011)

Hi toolate, thanks for your post 

Well, we're working in separate rooms since the beginning; can't imagine to work in that rat's nest like his office room,lol.

About getting a job outside the house, I've tried. On the early time of this year, I had worked outside the house, but it didn't last long. I kept thinking about my other projects at home, the dishes, the dogs, and I missed my husband all day. After 3 months I quit, had him saying 'I know you're not happy, so just do what makes you happy'. 

At this point I'm convinced that we're best work together.

About the verses of the Bible, well, even he's a devout Christian, I'm an agnostic myself. So if I start to quote the bible, I'm sure he'd ask me if I got my head bumped ^^

As I stated in my previous post, the root of our problem is the hormone glitch ^^ we're still trying to work the kinks, so wish us luck!


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## FurryFluffy (Dec 2, 2011)

toolate said:


> Sorry, I just saw your last post. Low testosterone or not, he is still functioning and you want sex more often. Good luck! Glad you can laugh about it.


thank you ^_^


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