# System shock or love?



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

My wife and I are seperating after our discussion tonight, we aren't going to hide this decision from our daughter so tomorrow is the day, we have both agreed to tell her together and not fight.

For the last week I've felt nothing but indifference, disgust, followed by hate. Now knowing that I've lost her... I'm feeling a whole surge of different emotions twisting me up inside. Is this just a system shock of realising I'm about to lose the woman I've spent 7 yrs, 4 yrs married with? Or is there still love after all? I really don't know.

I feel sad now, and like my whole world is about to be destroyed. But I know it has to be done, and there's no hope of reconciliation as we can not come to any agreement to salvage our marriage. Is all I'm feeling a system shock? Will I get over it soon?


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## the liberal one (Nov 4, 2012)

sorry for your misery, is there anyway you can turnaround this situation? btw are you having a amicable divorce? just askin


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

It sounds like you're going through normal stages of grief. You'll find yourself going back and forth through feelings of numbness, disbelief, anger, sadness, and eventually, acceptance for a while. 

It's a healthy response to loss. There are many good resources on the Internet about grieving.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Nope liberal one, this is the only way, my wife and I are both in agreement in this, we both have no fight left, whether to fight each other or to fight for our marriage. We're done, and we need this.

Stages eh? *sigh*
I wonder what's the next stage... have to find out when I wake up tomorrow. Thanks though, at least now I have some comfort that I'm still human with feelings.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Nope liberal one, this is the only way, my wife and I are both in agreement in this, we both have no fight left, whether to fight each other or to fight for our marriage. We're done, and we need this.
> 
> Stages eh? *sigh*
> I wonder what's the next stage... have to find out when I wake up tomorrow. Thanks though, at least now I have some comfort that I'm still human with feelings.


If you're not feeling much better after six weeks, consider talking to a counselor. Most people get through the anger/numbness/disbelief stages pretty well by that time. There may still be some sadness, which should be faded within a few months after that. It can take up to a couple years to really get back to good after a divorce or separation, but each day brings you closer to it. 

Those stages go back and forth. It can be unpredictable. There can be weird things that trigger them, too, but it *is* normal and it *is* healthy. 

Keep coming back here when you're struggling with what you feel. We'll be here.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Just six weeks? So by next year... that's not... very long to go.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Does it seem like forever right now?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> My wife and I are seperating after our discussion tonight, we aren't going to hide this decision from our daughter so tomorrow is the day, we have both agreed to tell her together and not fight.
> 
> For the last week I've felt nothing but indifference, disgust, followed by hate. Now knowing that I've lost her... I'm feeling a whole surge of different emotions twisting me up inside. Is this just a system shock of realising I'm about to lose the woman I've spent 7 yrs, 4 yrs married with? Or is there still love after all? I really don't know.
> 
> I feel sad now, and like my whole world is about to be destroyed. But I know it has to be done, and there's no hope of reconciliation as we can not come to any agreement to salvage our marriage. Is all I'm feeling a system shock? Will I get over it soon?


You haven't even separated officially yet and you're already looking for a deadline for getting over it? That's not healthy.

Why even question whether or not there's love? How can there not be love there still? The whole fight,blow up,and escalation to separation happened in a matter of days,of course there's still love there.


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## the liberal one (Nov 4, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> You haven't even separated officially yet and you're already looking for a deadline for getting over it? That's not healthy.
> 
> Why even question whether or not there's love? How can there not be love there still? The whole fight,blow up,and escalation to separation happened in a matter of days,of course there's still love there.


i guess he needs MC fast, random dude seems to be living in a limbo and unsure what he really "wants" 

just sayin


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

the liberal one said:


> i guess he needs MC fast, random dude seems to be living in a limbo and unsure what he really "wants"
> 
> just sayin


They've been in MC and for whatever reason it hasn't gotten them anywhere.Then he decides he's going to slap an abstinence rule on his wife,the sex addict,and then sh*t blew up...days later,they're separating.If he doesn't know what he wants by now,he'll never know.All the drama they create for themselves seems to cloud the view.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

ScarletBegonias said:


> They've been in MC and for whatever reason it hasn't gotten them anywhere.Then he decides he's going to slap an abstinence rule on his wife,the sex addict,and then sh*t blew up...days later,they're separating.If he doesn't know what he wants by now,he'll never know.All the drama they create for themselves seems to cloud the view.


Weeeeellllll.... his avatar speaks for itself.


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## the liberal one (Nov 4, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> They've been in MC and for whatever reason it hasn't gotten them anywhere.Then he decides he's going to slap an abstinence rule on his wife,the sex addict,and then sh*t blew up...days later,they're separating.If he doesn't know what he wants by now,he'll never know.All the drama they create for themselves seems to cloud the view.


after scrolling through random dude's threads and post, i mean that relationship is dysfunctional....... both of them initially cheaters to their bf/gf got married have a daughter but the W is pretty lazy and demands lots of things RD cracked and divorce......

looks like the karma trains gets them for cheating and thus it proves that affair relationships don't last after all......... feel sorry for the daughter and in an economy like this anything bad can happen


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Relationship grief is normal. Even when you know relations with the specific person are not going to work out... you still miss the relationship because of what it was, and more importantly, for what it could have been, given different personality traits and circumstances. 

Your future ex is still going to be in your life. So you will still have a relationship with her, it's just going to be different. Many people think it will be a clean break, but if you're co-parenting you don't have that option.

You have to muddle through the sometimes painful process of re-adjusting your thinking and also fielding your emotions, which will sometimes be all over the place.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

In my personal experience getting over anything is rarely 'soon' but hey maybe you'll do better than I did.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

the liberal one said:


> after scrolling through random dude's threads and post, i mean that relationship is dysfunctional....... both of them initially cheaters to their bf/gf got married have a daughter but the W is pretty lazy and demands lots of things RD cracked and divorce......
> 
> looks like the karma trains gets them for cheating and thus it proves that affair relationships don't last after all......... feel sorry for the daughter and in an economy like this anything bad can happen


I'm pretty sure RD wife was single when they got together.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> You haven't even separated officially yet and you're already looking for a deadline for getting over it? That's not healthy.
> 
> Why even question whether or not there's love? How can there not be love there still? The whole fight,blow up,and escalation to separation happened in a matter of days,of course there's still love there.


I don't think it's fair to say he was looking for a deadline. I introduced a timeline and he reacted to it.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> I don't think it's fair to say he was looking for a deadline. I introduced a timeline and he reacted to it.


I'm sorry you don't feel it's fair.My reaction and post is based on reading all the other hundreds of posts about his marriage.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

The purpose of this thread is trying to figure out my own feelings because at the moment I don't know how or even what I'm feeling.

However, now that you mention it, what is so wrong about knowing about a deadline? For me, it reminds me that this pain won't go on forever, and I need that.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I'm sorry you don't feel it's fair.My reaction and post is based on reading all the other hundreds of posts about his marriage.


Oh.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> However, now that you mention it, what is so wrong about knowing about a deadline? For me, it reminds me that this pain won't go on forever, and I need that.


The problem is there is no way to tell for sure exactly when you will feel better.

However I can assure you with 100% certainty that the pain won't go on forever.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, I feel better or at least relieved that my wife and I aren't really fighting no more either then her short fit a few hours ago telling me that her life is a living hell right now and pins it all on me while we were trying to discuss how to bring the news to our daughter

But meh, she apologised, and I know it's hard on her so I let her vent, especially when I want to procastinate this just as much as her... it's not as easy as I thought, one can't just go up to their own child and tell her something that will break her heart and break a promise.


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## Madman1 (Oct 24, 2012)

Rd sorry for you man,
I have only just started reading your threads, weirdest dynamic I have even seen in a relationship.
Dont make a decision based on feelings.

The poster MAVASH, you liked what they did, but this may be a break for you guys, or an end.

Your feelings are burned out, you need a rest. 

I hope it works out for the best.

(I have no idea what that is)

You're gonna be a legend around here.


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