# Brief marriage, 2.5yr relationship - unhappy



## jrnyc (Jun 3, 2010)

I love my wife. I love her so much that I constantly sacrifice things that perhaps I shouldn't. As I try to be more assertive, she lashes out (making me feel worse, insecure, and the cycle continues).

She used to do a lot of nice things for me. Not anymore... It is becoming obvious to me that she is simply with me because things are comfortable. I am her "best friend," someone she can trust (to get things done, to give her solid advice, be a very good provider, etc). 

My needs aren't met, and haven't been for a long time. I have discussed some of those needs in another forum. Ultimately, she has told me that she is not "in love," and feels nothing romantic for me. She doesn't know if that will come back, but isn't willing to work on it (right now) because she has too much other stuff going on. She has also said she will never see another therapist (and won't go on medication). Our "marriage counselor" won't see us again until she at least takes a step in that direction.

We had a similar issue in January (prior to being married), where we went to counseling, she claimed to have figured out her feelings (at the time - cold feed...), and wanted to marry me -- was excited to marry me. Within weeks of being married, she said "this isn't how it supposed to feel," and has gone right back to how she was acting in January. She has since let me know that she married me in hopes that it would fix her feelings -- and that they weren't cold feet, she just said that. Obviously it didn't fix her feelings.

I feel like I lost the ability to make a choice, as I am not sure if I would have gotten married (or not) had I known I wasn't marrying someone who was head over heals in love with me, but rather someone who was head over heals in convenience with me.

I am really hurting. We have been married only a few short months. I thought we did everything right, from a long dating period to a long courtship to living together. We had struggled through challenges together, traveled together, made big decisions together. I can't understand why she has changed. 

She has basically said that I am too good of a guy to pass up, and that she isn't going anywhere (at least I am not going to be abandoned, heh). However, who wants to stay in a marriage where their partner is progressively detaching, becoming more moody, and treating them less and less like a spouse.

Areas impacted: communication, our connection, our physical (and emotional) intimacy, finances (she lets me pay everything, and snaps at me if I even ASK for her to pay a commensurate portion). 

I mentioned separation, and the only way I can depict her response is "if you even go there, I am SO out of here." Obviously that touched a nerve and her "comfort" was threatened.

My therapist, CODA group, and friends are all telling me it is time to get out... 

I think I need out. But I am dying emotionally... I have been married once before, and don't want to divorce again. I am in love with what I THOUGHT we had (would have), and am still holding onto hope that we could have it again...

I feel like I am standing on the edge of a cliff. I know I won't DIE by taking the step, that there is something there to catch/save me. But I don't know what it is, and can't understand it. I am afraid. Worst of all, I know there is no going back. She is flighty.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

jrnyc said:


> I love my wife. I love her so much that I constantly sacrifice things that perhaps I shouldn't. As I try to be more assertive, she lashes out (making me feel worse, insecure, and the cycle continues).
> 
> My needs aren't met, and haven't been for a long time.


Learning to stand up for yourself is a good place to start. Not just for your marriage, but for you in general. 

There is a great book/workbook out there called Boundaries in Marriage by Dr. Cloud and townsend. You can do it yourself or do it with your wife. She will lash out at you at first because she's learned she gets her way if she acts out. She has also lost all respect for you and resents you also, believe it or not. You'll have to fight through your insecurities when that happens and keep pushing forward. 

When you're doing this book it will get worse before it gets better. But if you can complete the whole book things will improve. My H and I used to read a chapter and then write each others answers in the workbook. My H is a lot like you- he's the martyr. and i used to lash out. we got in some of our worst fights when we first started to do the book but after a year things mellowed out. we hardly fight anymore and if we do its not bad. im learning to respect my H when he says no and he's learning not to back down if i get pissed.


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## jrnyc (Jun 3, 2010)

I tried to talk with her this morning. She really doesn't want to talk about things. She told me she is absolutely miserable (in her life), and that she is with me because she loves me. When I mentioned felling taken for granted, she replied with "I have stayed with you, haven't I?" I don't know that simply staying with someone is sufficient contribution when the other person is doing quite a bit more... 

A part of me feels like I just need to step back, stop putting things into a "today" perspective, and put them into a 50-year perspective.

It is hard, though, as I don't want to be in this same boat in 50 years. She seems to think we will fix things "in the future," and "just not right now." I can't imagine things will ever improve with that attitude.


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

I am so sorry. I am going through a very similar situation. Only my husband asked me to marry him, and I of course accepted because I love him more than anything ever in my life. He is my other half and had been for 4 years prior to us getting married. 1 year after marriage and he wants to end because he wants to be alone. I have bent over backwards to please him and be patient with him as he deals with his depression in his own way. I'm not sure what else to do either. I want to stay because I know we used to be happy. But is that sufficient enough? Just because we were happy does that mean we can find happiness together again? He seems to think he will never be happy but he will be content alone. I'm the opposite. I will be devastated. I don't want to end things. I'm happy bending over backwards and being taken for granted. I'm a very strong individual and I know my own self worth. But when they no longer want anyone... then what? I can't accept that we made a mistake.


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## jrnyc (Jun 3, 2010)

Mandia, I am sorry for your pain. It has to be tough. I have been reading a really interesting book "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum. I got to question 9, and realized my wife does the "off the table-itus." Meaning, sex, money, my needs, her depression, our relationship are all "off the table." I can't bring them up. She will get mad, stop talking to me, or threaten to leave me.

While I have to make my own decision (and not follow Mira's advice blindly), she is telling me that people in a relationship with someone who does that have to get out. I guess I know what I need to do, I just have to find the wherewithal to do it.

I strongly recommend the book. I have only gotten through about 9 of the 30+ questions, and feel like I have been very honest with myself about the relationship. 

Now I am just mourning the loss of what I thought I had, and thought I WOULD have in the future. What I have today is nothing like either of those.


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

jrnyc said:


> Now I am just mourning the loss of what I thought I had, and thought I WOULD have in the future. What I have today is nothing like either of those.


I have been disciplining myself to no longer live my life with these thoughts in it. I have what I have, and I chose this. For richer or poorer, in sickness & in health. I may look and see all the things that I want but don't get, but I think it would be this way with any relationship. There will always be flaws. If anyone finds one that is flawless, they should hang on for dear life, if they even have to. Because marriage is hard... and easy marriage is unrealistic or uncharacteristic of that in which a typical marriage subsists. Our journey together is supposed to be challenging, and finding the perfect partner can be even more so.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Mandia99508 said:


> I have been disciplining myself to no longer live my life with these thoughts in it. I have what I have, and I chose this. For richer or poorer, in sickness & in health. I may look and see all the things that I want but don't get, but I think it would be this way with any relationship. There will always be flaws. If anyone finds one that is flawless, they should hang on for dear life, if they even have to. Because marriage is hard... and easy marriage is unrealistic or uncharacteristic of that in which a typical marriage subsists. Our journey together is supposed to be challenging, and finding the perfect partner can be even more so.


:smthumbup:

Im on the same path. I mourned the loss of my illusion and am working my way into accepting the reality of myself and my situation. Im attempting to accept that the situation is perfect just the way it is.


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## jrnyc (Jun 3, 2010)

She is moving out, at least temporarily... I am pretty emotional tonight... been a rough weekend =( 

She told me she would have run a long time ago if she wasn't worried about my happiness. She said she still sees us having kids together, and I am her best friend, and she loves me. But when I asked if she would rather move on, she said yes.

I am not really ready to be alone & go through all of this again, but I guess that's life...


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

I'm so sorry to hear this. I have a feeling the same thing will happen to me very soon as well. He seems pretty determined and is remaining the martyr, but I have done nothing wrong. So he will be the one to leave. Stay strong, and as hard as it might be remember to keep your chin up. Suffering and rebuilding is part of life, both we could not truly live without.


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## jrnyc (Jun 3, 2010)

Mandia99508 said:


> I'm so sorry to hear this. I have a feeling the same thing will happen to me very soon as well. He seems pretty determined and is remaining the martyr, but I have done nothing wrong. So he will be the one to leave. Stay strong, and as hard as it might be remember to keep your chin up. Suffering and rebuilding is part of life, both we could not truly live without.


Now she wants to take it day by day. I responded to her moving out comments with "OK." She was caught off guard. She is ultra depressed, but continues to do nothing about it. She said again today that she is worried about my happiness. She also said if we weren't married, she would have split by now. I told her flat out that by hiding her real feelings and going through with the marriage, she removed my ability to make an educated decision to marry her, and had I known, I may not have gone through with it. 

I also told her that she isn't doing me any favors by staying with me when she would rather not be with me. If she doesn't start trying, I am going to end things. Is it obvious I am now in an angry phase?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

jrnyc said:


> I responded to her moving out comments with "OK." She was caught off guard. She is ultra depressed, but continues to do nothing about it. She said again today that she is worried about my happiness. She also said if we weren't married, she would have split by now.





jrnyc said:


> Is it obvious I am now in an angry phase?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


One thing is obvious, she is playing the martyr just like my husband is. Self loathing and expecting some kind of change to "just happen" when in reality it is happening just not in the way she expected. 

I would say you have every right to be angry. For probably several reasons. She seems unable to care for herself financially, am I right?


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## jrnyc (Jun 3, 2010)

Mandia99508 said:


> One thing is obvious, she is playing the martyr just like my husband is. Self loathing and expecting some kind of change to "just happen" when in reality it is happening just not in the way she expected.
> 
> I would say you have every right to be angry. For probably several reasons. She seems unable to care for herself financially, am I right?


Ironically, before me she made good money -- really good money. She has made choices over the last year to put her in a bit of a financial bind. I don't consider money a reason to stay together, and I don't feel all that obligated, since she is in a "demand" career where she could easily command 3x what she is earning.

I guess we will see if I am taken for a ride financially. I am about to get a significant bump @ work, which will play into things perfectly for her should we split...

She is "acting" sticky sweet tonight, but something underneath smells like poop. She just asked me to go get her beer, which usually means she is gonna get sloshed so she can "perform her duties in the bedroom." I am sure she will be surprised when I am disinterested. Being told one too many times that she doesn't want me has that effect.


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## jeffreygropp (Jun 9, 2010)

Any updates? I'd really like to know how everything went over the last week...


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

jeffreygropp said:


> Any updates? I'd really like to know how everything went over the last week...


I as well would like an update. Keep us posted.


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

She sounds extremely immature and emotionally unstable. Why would she think you would want to have kids with her at this juncture, considering her behavior?

I'm so sorry.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

She is "staying with you" because you pay her to. Demand she pay her fair share and she will be gone in a heartbeat. 

You WILL find someone who will truly love you. She doesn't. She simply does not want to have to think about money and with you around she does not have to. 

You are cheating yourself out of happiness. 




jrnyc said:


> I tried to talk with her this morning. She really doesn't want to talk about things. She told me she is absolutely miserable (in her life), and that she is with me because she loves me. When I mentioned felling taken for granted, she replied with "I have stayed with you, haven't I?" I don't know that simply staying with someone is sufficient contribution when the other person is doing quite a bit more...
> 
> A part of me feels like I just need to step back, stop putting things into a "today" perspective, and put them into a 50-year perspective.
> 
> It is hard, though, as I don't want to be in this same boat in 50 years. She seems to think we will fix things "in the future," and "just not right now." I can't imagine things will ever improve with that attitude.


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