# He should have just hit me!



## angerhurts (Sep 10, 2009)

I have been married for almost 17 years and things have not been terribly bad but we have always had our ups and downs. Lately, we have had a lot of stress in our marriage due to long work hours, graduate work and kids schedules with activities and school. We are a busy family but love one another very much. 
Unfortunatley, there is a severe anger problem within our family, too. My husband has a very mean temper and his fuse is nearly non existent. He raises his voice, yells and gets bent out of shape for almost every aspect of his life. He has road rage, hates his boss and co-workers, is annoyed by everyone and the worst part is he takes many things out on our oldest son, age 13. He tries to find every opportunity to get in his face and pick a fight. In many ways he bullies our son. Our son has learned to talk back and try to defend himself but he always loses in the name of "do not disrespect your parent".
Last week, I jumped in and stuck up for our son because he was not guilty of what my husband was accusing him of and the fight turned and became a blown up fight between me and my husband.
he claims that because I spoke up to tell him to stop treating our son that way that I disrespected him and talked down to him in front of our children and that he was sick and tired of me doing that. I said that if he considred me sticking up for our son when he was being bullied and accused of something he did not do, then he should get used to it because I would not allow him to treat our son that way anymore.
that is when things go really bad...he glared into my eyes with the kind of hatred I have never seen before and told me point blank to "F*** Off". 
After many different arguements over the years, we never treated eachother with any kind of hurtful disrespect like that. I still have the angry look of hatred that was on his face in my mind and cannot erase it.
I told him that if he thinks of me that way, he must not love me and that I think we should consider a divorce. I simply will not tolerate that kind of treatment and told him that he blew a hole in the middle of our marriage by degrading the respect so much that it cracked our foundation.
He is mad that I threatened divorce but I am not afraid and mean what I say. I would prefer not to divorce but I also cannot see how we can move forward. He apologized after I did not speak, look, or acknowledge him for 5 days, and said he should not have spoken to me that way.
I told him that right now I could not forgive him and that he needed to seek counseling for himself because his anger was out of control and I was not willing to live with it one more day. I told him that if i forgave him then the words, "F*** You" would become the accepted/forgiven standard in our fights.
I also told him that I was going to leave the ball in his court to get the help, that it was not going to be me to find help for him or us. So far, nothing.
I went to see a counselor today on my own and it helped to get some of this off my chest and cry it out. I want to be firm in placing the boundary about how unacceptable it was in the way he treated me but still let him know that I love him.
Please offer your advice on how I can proceed. I feel like our marriage went from being a raw egg in a shell to a fried egg in a pan...it can never go back to the state of being in the shell.
thanks for reading.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

His anger is out of control. It may get worse. 

The boundary that you gave was smart and needed. 

What are you plans if he doesn't get help?


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## angerhurts (Sep 10, 2009)

It's tricky. A divorce would seperate us but not him from the kids. No legal documentation has been made against him from his anger so it is my word against his, meaning he would get split custody. I would be giving up my kids to an angry man without me there to protect them. If we stay married, it will be a struggle to maintian civility and happiness is out of the question -- damaging to the kids either way. I am struggling with this decision. Any advise?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

i feel that if my h and i have kids, that it'll come to this. my H likes to intimidate and punish the dog. i know that sounds stupid but i think he'll act that way towards kids, too. 

i think you are doing the right things. you stood up to your H and i think that was good. i really hope he gets help. my h exploded at me a few months ago and i also told him id leave if he didnt get help. it took him a week or so, but he eventually did get help.

and i think it's just going to take some time for you to deal with him talking to you that way. i still have the memory, and feelings, from when my H blew up at me, but over time, and as he does things to mend his ways, the memory is becoming less and less hurtful.


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