# The next relationship



## Wolf1974

So those of us who are divorced and single have you made a list of the criteria you need in someone to establish a new relationship and or get married again? What are they? 

I know for me some of my criteria is prevention from what I have learned in the past, others are things I need for the future. I also find that I am way Way more rigid on my thinking and what I am willing to bend on. Just wondering if anyone else would be willing to share.


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## Nomorebeans

1. Must love dogs

2. Must love kids - and not mind teenagers

3. Must be intelligent and have a good sense of humor

4. Must be kind - not just to me, but in general

5. Must not be bigoted in any way

6. Must have the courage to be emotionally open and available, without being a drama wh0re

7. Must like going to sporting events and watching sports on TV, or at least not mind that I love doing those things

8. Must not be an alcoholic or have any other addiction issues

9. Must be sexually compatible with me

10. Must not be a cheater


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## Ynot

Beyond the obvious physical attraction, they must be honest and open. I don't have a bunch of criteria, but I do have my particular wants and needs. I plan to openly and honestly discuss them with the women I meet. I will offer, they can accept. If they do great. If they don't great. Either way I win. I will not be in another relationship where anything is off the table for fear of ending the relationship.


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## Thundarr

Wolf1974 said:


> So those of us who are divorced and single have you made a list of the criteria you need in someone to establish a new relationship and or get married again? What are they?
> 
> I know for me some of my criteria is prevention from what I have learned in the past, others are things I need for the future. I also find that I am way Way more rigid on my thinking and what I am willing to bend on. Just wondering if anyone else would be willing to share.


I was divorced and single once upon a time and you bet I had criteria. A woman who is just nice and caring for others. Too often we don't pay attention to how someone treats others so long as they treat us nice. That's crap.


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## Holland

Wolf are you in a relationship? Did you have a partner recently?

I had a very firm list of criteria for it to become a serious relationship. Casual dating and my FWB had a very simple list, just to be decent men, fairly attractive and clean.

Serious relationship:
Sexually compatible with style, frequency, boundaries.
Financial equal, high income and/or asset base.
Good looking.
Hard working (white collar only).
Good with kids and have his own kids.
Family orientated.
High IQ and EQ.
Good manners.
Not a misogynist.
Well dressed, stylish man.
Same core values, morals and ethics.
Same nationality.
Atheist or Agnostic.
Shared hobbies and interests (cycling, football, gardening etc).
A man that wanted to be part of a team of two, aspired to achieve a lot in life together.

Even with Mr H meeting and well exceeding these criteria we still have our "moments". Nothing is guaranteed even if they meet your list.

The one thing I never considered before getting into a LTR was the impact of his ex and her mental health issues. There have been some challenges in this area but I have also learnt a bit too. I no longer let people walk over me, no tolerance for toxic people, no time for unhinged people, I have learnt to not engage with nutters to be blunt.


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## Wolf1974

Holland said:


> Wolf are you in a relationship? Did you have a partner recently?
> 
> I had a very firm list of criteria for it to become a serious relationship. Casual dating and my FWB had a very simple list, just to be decent men, fairly attractive and clean.
> 
> Serious relationship:
> Sexually compatible with style, frequency, boundaries.
> Financial equal, high income and/or asset base.
> Good looking.
> Hard working (white collar only).
> Good with kids and have his own kids.
> Family orientated.
> High IQ and EQ.
> Good manners.
> Not a misogynist.
> Well dressed, stylish man.
> Same core values, morals and ethics.
> Same nationality.
> Atheist or Agnostic.
> Shared hobbies and interests (cycling, football, gardening etc).
> A man that wanted to be part of a team of two, aspired to achieve a lot in life together.
> 
> Even with Mr H meeting and well exceeding these criteria we still have our "moments". Nothing is guaranteed even if they meet your list.
> 
> The one thing I never considered before getting into a LTR was the impact of his ex and her mental health issues. There have been some challenges in this area but I have also learnt a bit too. I no longer let people walk over me, no tolerance for toxic people, no time for unhinged people, I have learnt to not engage with nutters to be blunt.


Yes I am currently with a woman I have lived with about a year. It's a satisfying yet odd relationship to me lol.

Your list of criteria is in depth. Has it always been so or because of the past are you less willing to compromise on more of these areas? Has your criteria list grown?


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## Holland

Now that sounds interesting "satisfying but odd". 

My criteria list is actually not that different than it has always been post the stupid days of late teens/early 20's. There are a couple of major differences though after divorce, sexual compatibility is paramount and something that was never on my radar. 
High EQ is a new addition to the list.
These 2 things have made a huge difference to my post divorce relationship life, all for the good.

I was not willing to compromise on any of the items but then again I was having so much fun dating and having a FWB, NSA sex and no commitment that a LTR was not really on my mind anyway.


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## Evinrude58

I wanted a person of high character. Honesty was the biggest thing. I wanted someone that wasn't lazy, that kept a clean house and mind. Same morals/religious views. High IQ. High sex drive. Attractive. Clean. Liked physical affection.

What I didn't know is I would meet someone that exceeded all my needs. I have, and it's helped me learn a lot about myself. I really didn't know exactly what I wanted, until I got it.😊

I guess being very beautiful, very accomplished, and completely free with showing her feelings for me is a plus!☺ All smiles here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator

Nomorebeans said:


> 1. Must love dogs
> 
> 2. Must love kids - and not mind teenagers
> 
> 3. Must be intelligent and have a good sense of humor
> 
> 4. Must be kind - not just to me, but in general
> 
> 5. Must not be bigoted in any way
> 
> 6. Must have the courage to be emotionally open and available, without being a drama wh0re
> 
> 7. Must like going to sporting events and watching sports on TV, or at least not mind that I love doing those things
> 
> 8. Must not be an alcoholic or have any other addiction issues
> 
> 9. Must be sexually compatible with me
> 
> *10. Must not be a cheater*


*... who has an unrepentant track record of such!

11. Must be a Christian, but not one of overzealous means, nor of some "holier than thou" mind frame!

12. Must place the concept of "love" far in advance of that of "money" or "materialism!"

13. Must be clean, neat and help with maintaining a tidy abode.

14. Must be able to give and receive unconditional love and have sexual and moral boundaries firmly in place!

15. Must be open-minded and never present a blatant persona of negativity!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gouge_away

1. Must not be from Chicago
2. Enthusiastic about sex


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## Pluto2

I'm still not convinced I'm going to have another relationship, but no question any criteria would include:

-Honesty
-No history of infidelity
-kindness to the world (animals, nature, family, waitstaff)
-a sense of humor
oh and must enjoy fine wine


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## Wolf1974

Holland said:


> *Now that sounds interesting "satisfying but odd". *
> 
> My criteria list is actually not that different than it has always been post the stupid days of late teens/early 20's. There are a couple of major differences though after divorce, sexual compatibility is paramount and something that was never on my radar.
> High EQ is a new addition to the list.
> These 2 things have made a huge difference to my post divorce relationship life, all for the good.
> 
> I was not willing to compromise on any of the items but then again I was having so much fun dating and having a FWB, NSA sex and no commitment that a LTR was not really on my mind anyway.


Sorry was talking out loud a bit. It's a different dynamic where sometimes feel more like roommate who have sex than a couple building a future. Not necessarily a bad thing

Where this all comes from is I was recently having lunch with a friend of mine. My friend loves my GF and has in the past said I should marry her. But this time it was different. She said I should move on maybe. When I asked why she said I was too rigid and had high criteria. She said the only way I would ever get married again is to find someone who I would make compromises with cause I won't where I am currently. Essentially what was said is my GF isn't the one because I haven't comprimised on any of my long list of criteria.

I disagree. I once followed my heart and heart alone and got screwed. I'm not capable of doing that again. I feel that I have a list of long criteria because I deserve to have input in my relationship and my life, which I didn't have before. I think I am just way up in my own head about how things will need to be to take the plunge again. 

Has nothing to do with fear mind you. My thinking is just very logical... Would I rather get married again and make compromises or stick to all I want even if it means I am single until I die I choose the later no doubt. Just curious if others were feeling the same way


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## RisingSun

1) Must be authentic, honest, not unrealistically romanticize life and happiness, and have a high EQ. 

2) Must love unconditionally.

3) Must be authentic, honest, not unrealistically romanticize life and happiness, and have a high EQ. 

4) Must be able to converse and have a good sense of humour.

5) Must be authentic, honest, not unrealistically romanticize life and happiness, and have a high EQ. 

6) Must be affectionate, and love to hug and kiss. 

7) Must be authentic, honest, not unrealistically romanticize life and happiness, and have a high EQ. 

8) Must be sexually compatible.

9) Must be authentic, honest, not unrealistically romanticize life and happiness, and have a high EQ. 

10) Have a beautiful soul.


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## joannacroc

In no particular order:

1) Not set off my bull$hit-ometer
2) Be honest without being cruel
3) Be nice to kids in general but not overeager to meet my son in a creepy way
4) Be attractive, generally in good shape and with good hygiene
5) Be a good communicator
6) Be a snuggler
7) Be at least tolerant of my cats
8) Enjoy staying physically fit, so we can be active together
9) Enjoy at least one of the same hobbies
10) Occasionally laugh at my terrible jokes
11) Be a faithful person, both emotionally and sexually
12) Not loathe my family
13) Be adventurous and communicative in the bedroom
14) Be funny/generally upbeat


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## Holland

Wolf1974 said:


> Sorry was talking out loud a bit. It's a different dynamic where sometimes feel more like roommate who have sex than a couple building a future. Not necessarily a bad thing
> 
> Where this all comes from is I was recently having lunch with a friend of mine. My friend loves my GF and has in the past said I should marry her. But this time it was different. She said I should move on maybe. When I asked why she said I was too rigid and had high criteria. She said the only way I would ever get married again is to find someone who I would make compromises with cause I won't where I am currently. Essentially what was said is my GF isn't the one because I haven't comprimised on any of my long list of criteria.
> 
> I disagree. I once followed my heart and heart alone and got screwed. I'm not capable of doing that again. * I feel that I have a list of long criteria because I deserve to have input in my relationship and my life, which I didn't have before. * I think I am just way up in my own head about how things will need to be to take the plunge again.
> 
> Has nothing to do with fear mind you. My thinking is just very logical... Would I rather get married again and make compromises or stick to all I want even if it means I am single until I die I choose the later no doubt. Just curious if others were feeling the same way


Absolutely you deserve to have input, this is your life, you owe it to yourself to be important. 

If you don't mind, what is your list of criteria? Are they deeper things or things like hair colour etc?

I don't do blondes, never have been attracted to men with blonde hair but this is a superficial thing, I would compromise on it if needed. The serious stuff like morals, intelligence, work ethic etc I would never compromise on.

There are no rules Wolf, none of us have to remarry, good on you for not jumping in if it is not the right thing for you.


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## Acoa

I have a list, and I encourage everyone to make one. On paper (or on you computer if you prefer) as that keeps you from mentally changing it without being deliberate about it. It's okay to change your list, but make sure you realize you are and that you've thought it out.

The best reason for a list is chemistry. It happens, sometimes you meet someone and for no explainable reason you are infatuated with them. Maybe it's pheromones or timing, but whatever 'that' is it's not logical. You can then reference you list and at least realize what you are experiencing probably isn't great long term potential for you. 

Eventually you find that magic combo of chemistry and someone that fits your list. It does take some active searching, but hey, that's fun too!


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## Wolf1974

Holland said:


> *Absolutely you deserve to have input, this is your life, you owe it to yourself to be important. *
> 
> If you don't mind, what is your list of criteria? Are they deeper things or things like hair colour etc?
> 
> I don't do blondes, never have been attracted to men with blonde hair but this is a superficial thing, I would compromise on it if needed. The serious stuff like morals, intelligence, work ethic etc I would never compromise on.
> 
> There are no rules Wolf, none of us have to remarry, good on you for not jumping in if it is not the right thing for you.


agreed but I spent almost two decades living as priority zero, last year was the first time I, as an adult, got a birthday present from a SO to give you an example. Won't go back to that ever :laugh:

I do have things on criteria that involve looks

For example: in shape 
Long hair
Little or even better no tattoos

But most involve how she treats me and others, how she sees the future, and that I will be priority one on the list


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## 3Xnocharm

I dont think I ever really put together a list, but these are important to me:

- Faithful
- Honest
- Kind
- Easy going
- Affectionate
- Sense of humor
- Compatible sex drive
- Willing to communicate
- Must be present in the relationship and pay attention to me.


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## Threeblessings

Excellent thread. The soon to be ex is everything I will never want again. If there is someone in my future, he must:

1. Love animals
2. Not mind children
3. Be a Christian
4. No more than a 3 - 5 year age gap
5. Not have previously cheated....relying on honest here, although I got burnt in my marriage
6. Must not be lazy
7. Love me and my children
8. Not smoke!
9. Not drink too much alcohol 
10. Be a great communicator
11. Be trustworthy
12. Have a steady job
13. Not have a temper or short fuse
14. Have all his teeth, be clean and hygienic
15. Tattoos???? I'm unsure about this 

Not sure this person exists out there in the world, but if this is you don't be shy to apply =).


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## nafanka

I don't have any criterias, don't think I should tell Universe what is best for me.
I just want to be happy next to man, the rest is irrelevant. 
I've been there before, had my list of criterias done, I even got married to that man. But hey, I'm finally happily divorced and know that if I won't lie to myself pretending like everything is okay cause he's total match, everything would be perfect. 

Sent from my SM-A500H using Tapatalk


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## Satya

When Constable Odo reminisces about our first "date**", he says that he was surprised I did not have a clipboard with me. I was a determined woman on a mission. As we sat having dinner, he asked me to share my honest dating experiences since my divorce and he shared his.

Then he asked what my "must-haves" were.

1.) He must be at or under 40.
2.) He must not have kids (I wanted the experience to be new for us both). 
3.) He must have been either divorced once or gone through a personal, life-altering challenge (because I had and I wanted to be with a man who could relate). 
4.) He must know what he wants; be driven, with his own goals. 
5.) He must thrive on deep, intellectual conversation. 
6.) He must love giving and receiving oral sex. (Told him this on our 2nd date). 
7.) He must be comfortable being emotionally available and not afraid of forming intense bonds with what he considers to be the right woman. 
8.) He leads through actions over words. Acta non verba. (This was more observational, over time). 

ETC.... 

Our conversation carried on and on, him playing devil's advocate until we were thrown out and the Tavern closed. He walked me to my car and I asked if I could hug him. 

As I drove home, I felt it in my gut... I realized my life was changing..... I smiled. 

Constable Odo didn't meet #s 1 or 2, and it's a whole other story, but after we dated for a time, I was convinced that those must haves, while important to me, were negotiables. Many of the others, we're NOT!  


**It was not actually a date per se, but a meeting of two OKC pen pals at the local Tavern near where I lived and he worked. We'd been writing emails to each other for several weeks, while I was dating about 3x a week. We knew at the time our friendship would end (because we both knew boundaries would make our continued friendship inappropriate if my dating proved to be fruitful) so the "Lady Satya" and "Constable Odo" agreed to meet in person to talk about all manner of intellectual things. 

Little did we know the magic that would happen THAT night.


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## RisingSun

She must...

1) Believe in UFOs.
2) Harvest various kinds of berries to make jam.
3) Yodel.
4) Moonwalk. Daily.
5) Wear a cape.
6) Do impersonations.
7) Possess unsurpassed psychic abilities (she knows this already).
8) Make lean, mean meatloaf.
9) Have the strength of 10 women.
10) Love me for me, as I will love her for her... with the above list satisfied, that will be easy.


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## Ynot

I am somewhat surprised in the number of responses that did not mention sexual compatibility. Is it because you felt sexually compatible in your previous marriage or LTR and assume it won't be an issue in the future? For those who listed sexual compatibility as a requirement, was it for the opposite reason ie lack of sexual compatibility in a past LTR?
I know from my experience, if I had to make a list, I would probably start with sexual compatibility. The relationship would not have progressed to this point had I not had some inkling of her meeting my other criteria. But for me this issue is a deal breaker. I was married for a lifetime to to a woman who was out of touch with her sexuality. I was conditioned to accept this as reality, To this day I am still blown away by the women of TAM or when meeting a woman face to face who openly professes loving and enjoying sex. Because this was not what I had been led to believe. I don't want to live in the Victorian ages, sexual compatibility is a requirement. It wouldn't matter if she meets every other criteria.


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## Bananapeel

Ynot said:


> I am somewhat surprised in the number of responses that did not mention sexual compatibility. Is it because you felt sexually compatible in your previous marriage or LTR and assume it won't be an issue in the future? For those who listed sexual compatibility as a requirement, was it for the opposite reason ie lack of sexual compatibility in a past LTR?.


I was wondering that too, but assumed it was just a given. FWIW a person's sexual boundaries which determine sexual compatibility is directly related to how aroused they are. In my point of view, if two people don't get each other aroused enough to enjoy the sex fully, especially in the beginning, then the relationship wouldn't make it anywhere past a short term fling or FWB.


As for my list: 
1. Be a sweet caring woman
2. Be more in love/committed to me that I am to her (I'm not trying to be a jerk here, but I've just found relationships work better for my personality type when I maintain relationship control). 
3. Shared vision/goals for our future together (e.g. lifestyle, financial planning, retirement, family, etc.)
4. Similar religious background and morals
5. Strong self identity


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## NextTimeAround

Overall,

I want a man who has relationships wit other people that I can agree with.

That means, that he doesn't have inappropriate friendships with other women. IOW, I am always a part of the friendship he has with other women. After we are exclusive, I will expect those women to call me because any plans that she is making will include me. and even if my husband cannot attend, I am still welcome.

If I date / marry a man who has children children (as opposed to adult children), I will expect that I am part of that relationship. 

I will also expect him to be an equal to his (male) friends. So we're not rushing around at the last minute trying to keep some a--hole who's rude to me anyway happy.

And after that, I haven't thought about it.

Of course, these days, I don't need to.


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## Pluto2

Ynot said:


> I am somewhat surprised in the number of responses that did not mention sexual compatibility. Is it because you felt sexually compatible in your previous marriage or LTR and assume it won't be an issue in the future? For those who listed sexual compatibility as a requirement, was it for the opposite reason ie lack of sexual compatibility in a past LTR?
> I know from my experience, if I had to make a list, I would probably start with sexual compatibility. The relationship would not have progressed to this point had I not had some inkling of her meeting my other criteria. But for me this issue is a deal breaker. I was married for a lifetime to to a woman who was out of touch with her sexuality. I was conditioned to accept this as reality, To this day I am still blown away by the women of TAM or when meeting a woman face to face who openly professes loving and enjoying sex. Because this was not what I had been led to believe. I don't want to live in the Victorian ages, sexual compatibility is a requirement. It wouldn't matter if she meets every other criteria.


Ynot, if a man can't meet the criteria I already posted (which honestly isn't that demanding) I'd never give him a chance to find out about our sexual compatibility. Perhaps this is a male/female thing, Love, trust, respect ....then seduction.


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## BetrayedDad

RisingSun said:


> She must...
> 
> 1) Believe in UFOs.
> 2) Harvest various kinds of berries to make jam.
> 3) Yodel.
> 4) Moonwalk. Daily.
> *5) Wear a cape.*
> 6) Do impersonations.
> 7) Possess unsurpassed psychic abilities (she knows this already).
> 8) Make lean, mean meatloaf.
> 9) Have the strength of 10 women.
> 10) Love me for me, as I will love her for her... with the above list satisfied, that will be easy.


I feel like for number 5 a cloak, preferably velvet, should also be acceptable...


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## Rowan

BetrayedDad said:


> I feel like for number 5 a cloak, preferably velvet, should also be acceptable...


Exactly! Some of us just prefer something with a little more sweep and coverage than a cape, ya know?


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## Wolf1974

Ynot said:


> I am somewhat surprised in the number of responses that did not mention sexual compatibility. Is it because you felt sexually compatible in your previous marriage or LTR and assume it won't be an issue in the future? For those who listed sexual compatibility as a requirement, was it for the opposite reason ie lack of sexual compatibility in a past LTR?
> I know from my experience, if I had to make a list, I would probably start with sexual compatibility. The relationship would not have progressed to this point had I not had some inkling of her meeting my other criteria. But for me this issue is a deal breaker. I was married for a lifetime to to a woman who was out of touch with her sexuality. I was conditioned to accept this as reality, To this day I am still blown away by the women of TAM or when meeting a woman face to face who openly professes loving and enjoying sex. Because this was not what I had been led to believe. I don't want to live in the Victorian ages, sexual compatibility is a requirement. It wouldn't matter if she meets every other criteria.


I guess it's how you look at it. I look at sexual comparability as an absolute deal breaker so it never needs to be mentioned in criteria. I have never been in a sexually dysfunctional relationship and never will be


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## Acoa

Pluto2 said:


> Ynot, if a man can't meet the criteria I already posted (which honestly isn't that demanding) I'd never give him a chance to find out about our sexual compatibility. Perhaps this is a male/female thing, Love, trust, respect ....then seduction.


I think it falls under chemistry, to a degree. 

You could be really into someone, find them attractive, like their scent and feel giddy around them. But if they are just bad in bed is that reason enough to kick them to the curb? 

If they don't have the same drive you do, or if they don't want to improve, then sure. But maybe they are open to learning and just haven't had the right partner to explore with. Sometimes a person just needs the right environment to grow and flourish. 

But I do agree that after a few attempts, if all else is good and the sex sucks and isn't improving. Then it's a no go.


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## Holland

Pluto2 said:


> Ynot, if a man can't meet the criteria I already posted (which honestly isn't that demanding) I'd never give him a chance to find out about our sexual compatibility. *Perhaps this is a male/female thing, Love, trust, respect ....then seduction*.


It is a person thing, not a male/female thing. Personally I do it all the other way around, sex then trust, love etc.

I did list sexual compatibility, it is now top of the list for me after living in a sexless marriage that almost destroyed me.

And my problem is that I do things in the order of sex then love and trust that I got sucked into the vortex of a sexless marriage. The sex was great at the start, it was the long, slow decline that I didn't have any understanding of till it was too late.

So post divorce I had lots of IC and did some reading and worked out that while it is fine to have sex before building a relationship I would never again let it become an established relationship if the sex was not high quality and quantity.


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## FeministInPink

Wolf1974 said:


> I guess it's how you look at it. I look at sexual comparability as an absolute deal breaker so it never needs to be mentioned in criteria. I have never been in a sexually dysfunctional relationship and never will be


That's very fortunate for you. My relationship with my XH started out as very sexually satisfying. Then he started withholding in some sick and twisted way to control me--or he was pretending to be HD at the beginning of the relationship because he knew it was what I wanted, and once he put a ring on it, he turned off the faucet.


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## FeministInPink

Holland said:


> *It is a person thing, not a male/female thing. Personally I do it all the other way around, sex then trust, love etc.
> 
> I did list sexual compatibility, it is now top of the list for me after living in a sexless marriage that almost destroyed me.*
> 
> And my problem is that I do things in the order of sex then love and trust that I got sucked into the vortex of a sexless marriage. The sex was great at the start, it was the long, slow decline that I didn't have any understanding of till it was too late.
> 
> So post divorce I had lots of IC and did some reading and worked out that while it is fine to have sex before building a relationship I would never again let it become an established relationship if the sex was not high quality and quantity.


ME TOO.

Will be posting my list shortly.


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## FeministInPink

1. Sexual compatibility--must be high drive, among other things
2. Dominant/take-charge personality; confidence (but not arrogant)
3. Has goals and dreams of his own, and is driven/working on reaching them
4. Fiscally responsible/makes sound, reasonable decisions
5. Adventurous and can be spontaneous
6. Likes to travel/compatible travel style
7. Atheist/agnostic strongly preferred
8. Strong EQ (no emotional dysfunction, please) and emotionally available
9. Lifelong learner (appreciates that we never stop learning and is actively learning new things)
10. Is either moderate or left-of-center
11. Doesn't want (more) kids (I don't want kids of my own, but I'm perfectly happy to be a step-mom)
12. Well-groomed and good hygiene, takes pride in his appearance
13. Takes pride in his living space (keeps things clean, and will contribute equally to maintaining a shared living space)
14. Appreciates the arts and likes to read
15. Must be honest, even when he knows I won't like the answer
16. Non-smoker (very important now that I am a non-smoker)
17. Strong ethical convictions (compatible with mine)
18. Age within 5 years of my own
19. Appreciates that I am an introvert and sometimes need quiet and time to myself

And I'm not putting this on my list of must-have, but @Satya had this on her list, and I think I will include this on my list of "Preferred Qualifications"

- He must have been either divorced once or gone through a personal, life-altering challenge (because I had and I wanted to be with a man who could relate).
- Can dance (or wants to learn)
- Likes karaoke (he doesn't have to sing well, though--but it would be nice to have someone to do duets with)
- Can drive a manual transmission
- Can cook real Italian food

I feel like I should add one more on, to make it an even 20. That turned longer than I thought... no wonder I am still single.


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## Wolf1974

FeministInPink said:


> That's very fortunate for you. My relationship with my XH started out as very sexually satisfying. Then he started withholding in some sick and twisted way to control me--or he was pretending to be HD at the beginning of the relationship because he knew it was what I wanted, and once he put a ring on it, he turned off the faucet.


Did you leave him over it? I hope so. Sounds like bait and switch to me


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## BlueWoman

I don't have a list. 
Mostly because right now if he's not absolutely perfect I'm not interested. And what perfect is, I have no idea. 

I guess my list right now would be:
He must be able to read my mind and behave exactly how I want him to, even when I don't know what I want. 

I'm kind of thinking that guy doesn't exist.


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## Pluto2

BlueWoman said:


> I'm kind of thinking that guy doesn't exist.


On this, I'm pretty sure you are correct.
If you were joking, ok.
If you weren't-well maybe you should figure out what matters to you.


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## deg20

I think I'd marry a monkey if she didn't cheat on me...that's first and foremost!


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## Married but Happy

deg20 said:


> I think I'd marry a monkey if she didn't cheat on me...that's first and foremost!


LOL And so we tread on the slippery slope towards gay interspecies marriage. 0

(And have you ever known a monkey to refuse a banana, regardless of who offered it?)


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## bkyln309

Holland said:


> It is a person thing, not a male/female thing. Personally I do it all the other way around, sex then trust, love etc.
> 
> I did list sexual compatibility, it is now top of the list for me after living in a sexless marriage that almost destroyed me.
> 
> And my problem is that I do things in the order of sex then love and trust that I got sucked into the vortex of a sexless marriage. The sex was great at the start, it was the long, slow decline that I didn't have any understanding of till it was too late.
> 
> So post divorce I had lots of IC and did some reading and worked out that while it is fine to have sex before building a relationship I would never again let it become an established relationship if the sex was not high quality and quantity.


Sex is super high on my list now. My Ex Husband never wanted sex. He was like that from the beginning. I will never compromise on sexual attraction again. If the sex isnt great, no relationship.


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## FeministInPink

Wolf1974 said:


> Did you leave him over it? I hope so. Sounds like bait and switch to me


Yes. It was one of many things over which I divorced him.


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## Ynot

Holland said:


> So post divorce I had lots of IC and did some reading and worked out that while it is fine to have sex before building a relationship I would never again let it become an established relationship if the sex was not high quality and quantity.


One thing that I realized about my marriage in the after math of the divorce was how much resentment I had about my sex life at the time. Now I realize how important this is to me. I will not settle, ever, again.
Sexual compatibility is also very high on my list. So high in fact that it has become an issue that needs settled before any type of relationship can develop. I am not interested in romancing someone for weeks only to find out she is a prude, or not interested or has some other hang up about sex. 
I am not looking for the mother of my children. I am looking for someone to enhance my life. Sex is important to me. She can not and will not enhance my life if I have to settle for less than I want/need in such an important part of who I am.


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## deg20

Married but Happy said:


> LOL And so we tread on the slippery slope towards gay interspecies marriage. 0
> 
> (And have you ever known a monkey to refuse a banana, regardless of who offered it?)



Well, I'm a guy so it really wouldn't be "gay" interspecies marriage...LOL


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## Ynot

deg20 said:


> Well, I'm a guy so it really wouldn't be "gay" interspecies marriage...LOL


That would depend on the sex of the monkey then.


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## deg20

Yes Ynot, that's why I said "she" in my post...


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## Married but Happy

deg20 said:


> Yes Ynot, that's why I said "she" in my post...


Once you allow interspecies marriage, the Supreme Court has already allowed gay marriage, and will have to extend the privilege to gay monkeys.

Of course, this is all tongue-in-cheek, as monkeys probably do not have the mental capacity to give informed consent to marrying you. It's a little less clear for chimpanzees and gorillas, though.


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## Ynot

Married but Happy said:


> Once you allow interspecies marriage, the Supreme Court has already allowed gay marriage, and will have to extend the privilege to gay monkeys.
> 
> Of course, this is all tongue-in-cheek, as monkeys probably do not have the mental capacity to give informed consent to marrying you. It's a little less clear for chimpanzees and gorillas, though.


Heck, many humans don't give informed consent, they just marry because that is what they are supposed to do. I think if most were informed before hand, they would probably make different decisions.


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## Married but Happy

True! But, most humans are at least _capable_ of giving informed consent, whether they bother to be informed or not - those who aren't capable require permission of a legal guardian. Animals don't have the cognition to make such choices, and it wouldn't be ethical to make them for them.


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## Holland

Ynot said:


> One thing that I realized about my marriage in the after math of the divorce was how much resentment I had about my sex life at the time. Now I realize how important this is to me. I will not settle, ever, again.
> Sexual compatibility is also very high on my list. So high in fact that it has become an issue that needs settled before any type of relationship can develop. I am not interested in romancing someone for weeks only to find out she is a prude, or not interested or has some other hang up about sex.
> I am not looking for the mother of my children. *I am looking for someone to enhance my life. Sex is important to me. She can not and will not enhance my life if I have to settle for less than I want/need in such an important part of who I am*.


Yes, yes and yes. 

It is interesting to me that pre marriage I gave no real thought to sex and the implications for the rest of our lives together. Post divorce it has become one of the major, defining factors in who I choose to partner with.
It is like pre marriage sex was no big deal, it was there, no problem. Then after ending up in a sex starved marriage the importance of sex became very apparent.

Anyway what I wanted to say was that the bolded line struck me as really interesting. I never considered that sex or my desire was an important part of who I am yet my SO thinks the same as you. Sex in some ways defines part of who he is.

I wish I had of known and understood the importance of sexual compatibility all those years ago. How stupid to have learnt that lesson in my 40's.


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## Wolf1974

Holland said:


> Yes, yes and yes.
> 
> It is interesting to me that pre marriage I gave no real thought to sex and the implications for the rest of our lives together. Post divorce it has become one of the major, defining factors in who I choose to partner with.
> It is like pre marriage sex was no big deal, it was there, no problem. Then after ending up in a sex starved marriage the importance of sex became very apparent.
> 
> Anyway what I wanted to say was that the bolded line struck me as really interesting. I never considered that sex or my desire was an important part of who I am yet my SO thinks the same as you. Sex in some ways defines part of who he is.
> 
> I wish I had of known and understood the importance of sexual compatibility all those years ago. How stupid to have learnt that lesson in my 40's.


Sex is like air, becomes awfully important when you aren't getting any.


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## Ynot

Wolf1974 said:


> Sex is like air, becomes awfully important when you aren't getting any.


Since I am not interested in autoerotic aphyxsiation, I wouldn't be interested in someone choking the life out of me either!


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## FeministInPink

Ynot said:


> One thing that I realized about my marriage in the after math of the divorce was how much resentment I had about my sex life at the time. Now I realize how important this is to me. I will not settle, ever, again.
> Sexual compatibility is also very high on my list. So high in fact that it has become an issue that needs settled before any type of relationship can develop. I am not interested in romancing someone for weeks only to find out she is a prude, or not interested or has some other hang up about sex.
> I am not looking for the mother of my children. I am looking for someone to enhance my life. Sex is important to me. She can not and will not enhance my life if I have to settle for less than I want/need in such an important part of who I am.


Fvck yes, to all of this. I want to establish sexual compatibility early on, because I do not want to risk my time--or WORSE, risk seriously falling for someone and then breaking my own heart--with someone who isn't sexually compatible.

A friend of mine says to me, "You need to stop sleeping with guys so soon. You won't find true love until you start respecting your body."

Fvck that. I AM respecting my body, by making sure they are compatible (or not) before I risk my heart. I'm respecting my body's long-term needs. (And she has short-term needs, too.)

She says, "Guys won't see you as relationship material if you sleep with them early on."

Fvck that. It's never been a problem before. Those relationships ended for reasons having nothing to do with sex. Oh, and 30% of married couples slept together on their first date. I don't usually do that. I'm thinking maybe I should do it more often.

She says, "I've had to teach every long-term partner how to properly make love to me. Compatibility is never immediate."

Uh, fvck yes, it is. And I don't want to have to teach a grown man how to handle me. I want someone who's in tune enough with his own body that he knows how to tune into mine as well, and who is capable of reading body language.

I should not be taking relationship advice from this friend. She sounds very wise sometimes, but she's also been married three times, and will eventually, at some point divorce the third, but she needs his health insurance at the moment. :|


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## Ynot

FeministInPink said:


> **** yes, to all of this. I want to establish sexual compatibility early on, because I do not want to risk my time--or WORSE, risk seriously falling for someone and then breaking my own heart--with someone who isn't sexually compatible.
> 
> A friend of mine says to me, "You need to stop sleeping with guys so soon. You won't find true love until you start respecting your body."
> 
> Fvck that. I AM respecting my body, by making sure they are compatible (or not) before I risk my heart. I'm respecting my body's long-term needs. (And she has short-term needs, too.
> 
> SHe says, "Guys won't see you as relationship material if you sleep with them early on."
> 
> Fvck that. It's never been a problem before. Those relationships ended for reasons having nothing to do with sex. Oh, and 30% of married couples slept together on their first date. I don't usually do that. I'm thinking maybe I should do it more often.
> 
> She says, "I've had to teach every long-term partner how to properly make love to me. Compatibility is never immediate."
> 
> Uh, fvck yes, it is. And I don't want to have to teach a grown man how to handle me. I want someone who's in tune enough with his own body that he knows how to tune into mine as well, and who is capable of reading body language.
> 
> I should not be taking relationship advice from this friend. She sounds very wise sometimes, but she's also been married three times, and will eventually, at some point divorce the third, but she needs his health insurance at the moment. :|


A-Fvcking-Men! To all of this!


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## Dude007

Wolf1974 said:


> So those of us who are divorced and single have you made a list of the criteria you need in someone to establish a new relationship and or get married again? What are they?
> 
> I know for me some of my criteria is prevention from what I have learned in the past, others are things I need for the future. I also find that I am way Way more rigid on my thinking and what I am willing to bend on. Just wondering if anyone else would be willing to share.


What happens if they meet your criteria perfectly, then CHANGE??!

DUDE


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## Ynot

Dude007 said:


> What happens if they meet your criteria perfectly, then CHANGE??!
> 
> DUDE


Haha! According to some bitter-enders around here - people don't change.


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## Holland

It's a shame we live at opposite ends of the Earth *FIP* or I would ask you out for a drink and a nice long chat about life, love and men.


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## Dude007

Ynot said:


> Haha! According to some bitter-enders around here - people don't change.


Oh, they CHANGE, its the CHANGE that would concern me if I were single for SHO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUDE


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## Holland

Yes people change, it can be for the good or bad. IMHO second or subsequent time around it is vital to really get to know someone well before committing to a LTR. 3 or 4 yrs at least before you really know not just the other person but also what the dynamic is between the two of you.

All the other factors including ex's, kids from previous marriages, financial, mental health etc really add to the difficult dynamic post divorce relationships can bring. For Mr H and I there were a lot of rocks we both carried with us and working through that has made us even closer, it could have made it harder, communication, empathy and love are the key. 

Looking back I can now see that my ex and I didn't change so much the real problem was we were not compatible in certain areas, the ones we were compatible with carried us through for many years. 

Look at the intention behind a persons words and actions, that will tell you the truth.


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## Dude007

Holland said:


> Yes people change, it can be for the good or bad. IMHO second or subsequent time around it is vital to really get to know someone well before committing to a LTR. 3 or 4 yrs at least before you really know not just the other person but also what the dynamic is between the two of you.
> 
> All the other factors including ex's, kids from previous marriages, financial, mental health etc really add to the difficult dynamic post divorce relationships can bring. For Mr H and I there were a lot of rocks we both carried with us and working through that has made us even closer, it could have made it harder, communication, empathy and love are the key.
> 
> Looking back I can now see that my ex and I didn't change so much the real problem was we were not compatible in certain areas, the ones we were compatible with carried us through for many years.
> 
> Look at the intention behind a persons words and actions, that will tell you the truth.


Said differently, there are a LOT of variables, too many to even mitigate to any large extent. At the end of the day, its a big gamble, maybe not Powerballesque, but a gamble for SHO..DUDE


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## Holland

Dude007 said:


> Said differently, there are a LOT of variables, too many to even mitigate to any large extent. At the end of the day, its a big gamble, maybe not Powerballesque, but a gamble for SHO..DUDE


Yes it's a gamble for sure, even with Mr H meeting my criteria we have our stuff to contend with. But like I said it is all about the intention behind the words and actions. So we get some things wrong he and I but in the end the intent is not bad, we are just human and get it wrong sometimes, learn and move on.

I guess everything is a gamble though, are we willing to take the high or the low risk that's the question. Having a list of criteria, knowing ourselves having boundaries etc can all lower that risk.


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## FeministInPink

Holland said:


> It's a shame we live at opposite ends of the Earth *FIP* or I would ask you out for a drink and a nice long chat about life, love and men.


Because you think it would be a great conversation, or because you think you need to give me some pointers? 

I don't know where you are, but I enjoy traveling, so there's a good chance I will be in your neck of the woods eventually. If you PM me and tell me where, I'll let you know if I'm ever planning on visiting your city/country.


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## Holland

Bc it would be an interesting discussion, our list of criteria is very similar. And also bc I don't subscribe to your friends POV so that would make for some interesting talk. No you don't need pointers, your head is on the right way round :grin2:

I live at the bottom of the world in Aussie. Come and visit, hot here ATM though 41deg (about 106F) so beer is the drink of the day.


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## FeministInPink

Dude007 said:


> What happens if they meet your criteria perfectly, then CHANGE??!
> 
> DUDE


That happened to me. It wasn't so much that he CHANGED that it came to light that he was faking it, and pretending to be everything on my list, and after we married, he started to let the real him out incrementally.

So... long story short, we got divorced.

The point is, the stuff on the list should be stuff that won't change, not easily, anyway. The list items amount to personality and character. My character is very similar to what it was when I was a teenager. Any changes I have made have been intentional to become a better version of myself. Most people don't go from being very ethical, to being completely unethical. People who are adrenaline junkies don't all of a sudden become bookworms. People who love the opera don't all of a sudden get into WWE.

If someone DRASTICALLY changes, I don't think it's them changing... I think it's them revealing who they really are, or you're finally opening your eyes to who they really are.


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## FeministInPink

Holland said:


> Bc it would be an interesting discussion, our list of criteria is very similar. And also bc I don't subscribe to your friends POV so that would make for some interesting talk. No you don't need pointers, your head is on the right way round :grin2:
> 
> I live at the bottom of the world in Aussie. Come and visit, hot here ATM though 41deg (about 106F) so beer is the drink of the day.


OK, good!

Oh, Australia is definitely on my list! Not immediately, but eventually. I want to do the whole extended, backpacking-in-Europe thing first. I think I'll do that about 3 yrs from now, when I have my car and vacation share paid off. In the interim, I'm hoping to do some more domestic travel/roadtrips, and maybe some closer international travel (Mexico/Caribbean/Canada). I also want to go to Iceland. There are cheap flights to be had, apparently. I want to practice shorter-jaunt backpack traveling before I try to do an extended trip.


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## Ynot

FeministInPink said:


> OK, good!
> 
> Oh, Australia is definitely on my list! Not immediately, but eventually. I want to do the whole extended, backpacking-in-Europe thing first. I think I'll do that about 3 yrs from now, when I have my car and vacation share paid off. In the interim, I'm hoping to do some more domestic travel/roadtrips, and maybe some closer international travel (Mexico/Caribbean/Canada). I also want to go to Iceland. There are cheap flights to be had, apparently. I want to practice shorter-jaunt backpack traveling before I try to do an extended trip.


Did you see Wild with Reese Witherspoon?


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## FeministInPink

Ynot said:


> Did you see Wild with Reese Witherspoon?


No, not yet. I think I have the book on my e-reader.

I am planning on backpacking in civilization. I require daily showers.


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## Wolf1974

Dude007 said:


> What happens if they meet your criteria perfectly, then CHANGE??!
> 
> DUDE


Then you decide if the changes are worth still staying around for
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mandik

Omg I through I was the only one with a list, I look at a person to see if they married aka ring, than start talking about lil things like do you have girlfriend.. A good job, how they carry themselves, tall, strong and well, family man, faith , not perverted, strong hands, opinionated and smiles..I can take hardheaded and stubborn if it comes with slow talking and gental hands, someone who says what he means & means what he says..comfortable on a bar stool as In a church pew and can handle a lil sassy and a whole lot of independent and say baby watch I got that, move momma ..and just do it don't ask..

Sent from my QTAQZ3 using Tapatalk


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## FeministInPink

Ynot said:


> Did you see Wild with Reese Witherspoon?


I checked, and I DO have the book on my e-Reader! Adding it to my *52 books in 2016 Reading Challenge* 

And now I'm thinking that I should watch the movie, too. Maybe I'll get it tonight, or this weekend.


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