# My H says I don't listen to him



## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

I do listen to him , but I always have a positive come back about things he says. 

When he talks he says he wants out he wants to be alone. I tell him how can you want to give all this up , me, your kids, our new home. A wife that loves you with all her heart and is willing to make up for all the hurt that I caused you ! 

What do I do ? I don't want to give up but I think me repeating myself over and over is not helping either.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

From your own reports, it sounds like you're telling him things.

Would you consider that listening?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Conrad said:


> From your own reports, it sounds like you're telling him things.
> 
> Would you consider that listening?


:iagree: There is a huge difference in listening and conversating. If he wants you to listen, then your only responses should be questions about his comments. If you are trying to conversate with him while he just wants you to listen to him, then he will feel like you don't care. If you are replying with anything like " but I ......" then you probably aren't sending off a listening vibe, but more of a defending vibe.


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## Drayvius (Nov 30, 2010)

Jaded Heart said:


> I do listen to him , but I always have a positive come back about things he says.
> 
> When he talks he says he wants out he wants to be alone. I tell him how can you want to give all this up , me, your kids, our new home. A wife that loves you with all her heart and is willing to make up for all the hurt that I caused you !
> 
> What do I do ? I don't want to give up but I think me repeating myself over and over is not helping either.


The other things that can be said, is to pick your battles. You may not agree with everything he says, or you may not want to go along with every plan he has, but if you are always contradicting him, or always comming back when he says something, then he may begin to feel like he cant even talk to you because you will just dissagree or argue with him, so he could completely shut down and then you wouldnt have much of a relationship if he did stay.


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

Totally understand, but how do I sit there and listen to him say things like " I don't want to be here" I want to be alone" I don't think you love me, You don't trust me, You appreciate me " 

Should I not respond to those things, cause I don't want to sit in silence and him think that I agree with him


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Jaded Heart said:


> Totally understand, but how do I sit there and listen to him say things like " I don't want to be here" I want to be alone" I don't think you love me, You don't trust me, You appreciate me "
> 
> Should I not respond to those things, cause I don't want to sit in silence and him think that I agree with him


Watch his body language. Comment on it.

"This makes you angry" "This really ties you up"

"This is difficult for you"

Nothing gets someone more upset than not being heard when they're pouring it out.

Reassurances from the person that hurt you won't get the job done - unless you are certain they understand how you feel.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Jaded Heart said:


> Totally understand, but how do I sit there and listen to him say things like " I don't want to be here" I want to be alone" I don't think you love me, You don't trust me, You appreciate me "
> 
> Active listening. Can you please help me understand? What would I do differently to show my appreciation so you feel it? Can you give me an example of showing you lack of trust?


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

there is a difference between "listening" and "hearing".

when some one is talking saying...yea,but..yea,but...yea,but...
isnt listening...not saying you do that.

when someone is talking nodding and saying yea...every 2 seconds isnt listening...not sayng you do that.

trying to justify everything and reason it away is discounting the other persons feelings.

if your husband feels like XYZ, then he can feel that way. you cant tell him he feels ABC because you DEF and then 123 so really 789 see...no need for you to feel XYZ...you cant control how a body feels.

just take it in. if you can change your behivor and attitude then apply it to your life.

you cant make someone love you. either they do or they dont. you can tell him no, and you do not accept it, but it will not change reality.

what conrad said is right. i will sometimes say "ok", and leave it at that. and think about it later...if i see his point of view, then a few days later i will say hey remember what you said yesterday?, well i think so too. 

thats all i will say about it, and it leaves it out there him to talk about further if he wants to, and now he can come to me in the future with things he needs to say and i wont judge.

now this is not easy to do, i wish i would follow my own advise sometimes...


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

I don't know your whole story, but when you said,

"he says he wants out he wants to be alone."

I think you listened to that. BUT, if he wants out, why bother questioning anything? You're questioning him because you don't want him to leave, however, in his mind he feels you are not listening because he has TOLD you what he wants, From that statement alone it sounds like his mind is made up.


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