# no motivation



## can'tbelieveit (Dec 8, 2009)

I found out about my H affair in Oct. We have decided to work on our marriage because we still love eachother. He has told me basically that he loves me but not "in love" wth me (BS, I know) and he is not happy, he feels like he is living a lie. I feel I have been doing everything I can to work on myself for us, I have been reading on line, bought 4 books, His Needs, Her Needs, The Love Dare, I love you But I'm Not In Love With you and The 5 Love Languages. While I am doing everything I know, he does NOTHING!!! I mean NOTHING. He knows I am doing these things and he just watches. I confronted him about this the other night and he told me that he has no motivation to work on us. 

We have our 1st counselling session on Tues. I feel like I am losing the fight. I am starting to think that this might be a lost cause. I told him that i can't be the only one that fights for us. I can't be the only one doing all the work while he sits back and observes. What can I do to get him motivated? I just don't get it. I am so sad all of the time now. And that is not me, not my personality. I am usually pretty happy, always smiling and laughing. Now I feel like I'm just getting by day by day.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hey there, 
I'm in the same boat as you, I found out in Nov. about my hubby's affair, I got the same line, I love you but I'm not in love with you.
I have read the books and i have learned what I did wrong and why he felt the way he did. 
I felt very bad as well, but I also know that you can't force someone to feel something they don't.
I've decided to just be me(I turned into this wimpy kind of woman that I didn't even like) and live the way I wanted and just showed him how I could survive without him.
I'm not happy with all that has happened but I think I'm at a spot that what ever happens I will be alright. 
He wanted to end our marriage and explore some new kind of life.
He says not with the OW.....but who knows what is really true.
We have a separation agreement and have taken care of all the banking issues and legal issues, everything has happened except him moving out.....
He now says he needs more time to think, which I've given him, things are calm between us so it's not hard to do, just weird I guess since everyone thinks he is leaving.....
Maybe your hubby will have some kind of light bulb moment in your counselling session......give him time, I think there is some kind of tansition they have to live through when there has been an affair.....
being patient is hard because it feels like you are doing nothing.....
hang in there hun......sending hugs, I know I need them .....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do you have all his passwords? Do you check the phone/text records regularly? Half the time when someone says they end an affair, they just hide it better. Thus the no motivation.


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## MrsInPain (Feb 5, 2010)

My situation was different, as he begged and begged to have me have me back after I found out, and I am the one lacking motivation to continue. 

However, having gone to counseling I can tell you that it will open your eyes to the situation and shed light on areas you didn't realize before. I hope for your sake that he is extremely open and honest during this process.

Listen carefully to him during therapy, you may be surprised to hear what is going on inside of him.

If he continues this affair, even after all of your efforts - then you know that you are not blame. I know each situation is different and warrants different outcomes (ie to divorce or not), but remember this: 

"You can forgive someone almost anything. But you cannot tolerate everything...We don't have to tolerate what people do just because we forgive them for doing it. Forgiving heals us personally. To tolerate everything only hurts us all in the long run." - Lewis B. Smedes

Keep your head up. I have reason to believe that if maybe you start being a little more assertive and act more confident it may cause him to reconsider his "motivation." I told him I deserve a happy marriage then I left for a week, telling him to think hard while I was gone. He REALLY changed his tune after that. But, like I said, each situation is different. Just know that this is not your fault. You are beautiful and you deserve the best. Make him see that. 

Good luck! Stay strong!


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## Enough!!! (Feb 1, 2010)

I guess I am in a similar situation, however my H stills tells me he is in love with me and wants to grow old with me. The problem is, I am working my **** off trying to make our relationship better, and It seems he is just sitting back enjoying the changes I am making. I have sent him flowers, left notes for him etc. Basically all the things I would love to receive... and Nothing!!! I have tried several times to discuss with him the importance of him putting some effort in to repair the damage HE caused to me and our relationship. I try to act happy most of the time, but the truth is, my needs aren't being met,
My husband is the one who cheated and I feel like I'm the one left to repair the damage. I excepted my part in the way our relationship ended up. But I no means gave him a reason to cheat.
It feels as though we are like this..... If I want to continue being married to my man, then it has to be at the sacrifice of my own happiness and needs. But talking about this to my H, makes me worry I'm going to open another can, that I'm just not ready to deal with.
The pain over the past few months has been overwhelming, I'm just not ready for another helping yet.
While your man says he's not IN LOVE with you anymore, he is still there, and sounds like he's being honest. I don't know if I'm coming or going.
Just hang in there, If you can get to the point where you are living for you, then hopefully you will be fine without him. We shouldn't accept any less that 100%..... But we do


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

what exactly happens when you try 'several times to discuss with him the importance of him putting some effort'? What does he do? What does he say?


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## thebanker02 (Feb 14, 2010)

I think Turnera made a great point and the better question is why he has no motivation.

I never cheated on my wife (she had EA recently) but I did lose my motivation a few years after we got married. Although I only truly realized it when I found out she had the EA. Once I realized what I could lose, that was all the fire I needed to reinvent myself, which everyone should seek to do. This is my first (hopefully only) marriage, first kids, etc. and my responsibilities have changed completely over the past 6 years. We all change.

Unfortunately, my wife does not share my realization. She is content keeping her emotional distance from me and it hurts.

We are in the same boat... I always thought that since she had the A, her desire to "right the wrongs" would exceed mine - I was wrong. It has been 10 months and today I joined this website. It is so sad to see so many people going through this. I hope your H will soon realize what life would be like without you, before it is too late.


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## can'tbelieveit (Dec 8, 2009)

thebanker02 said:


> I hope your H will soon realize what life would be like without you, before it is too late.


ME TOO!!!!

It's hard because we have 2 young children (5 and 4). I almost want to leave for while just so he can see that he won't be happier without us. The problem is, is I have no where to go. My family lives 16 hours away. Besides that, my parents don't know. Only my sister. If my dad found out he would hate him, and if we stay together, i don't want to deal with that. I'll tell them IF i absolutely have to.

turnera: I do check his phones, periodically. If I check them daily i get obsessed and i can't live like that. I do believe he has ended it, he only goes to work and comes home. There are no outside activities without me right now.

We started councelling last week and in that hour we were there our therapist said that we were emotionally disconnected. I agree. I find it hard to emotionally connect with someone that i trusted with everything i am, who lied and betrayed me. I am trying, I really am, but when is enough, enough? Do i just keep working on it until he makes the decision? Do I even make it up to him to make that decision? I can't imagine my life without us being a family, I can't imagine not growing old with him. I just don't know if he feels the same.


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## can'tbelieveit (Dec 8, 2009)

LuvMyH said:


> Hang in there. My husband was almost unbearable to be around for almost 5 months after his EA/PA ended. I didn't know the reason for his behavior at the time, but when he was finally over it, the change in him was remarkable. I have a lot of respect for those spouses who know the reason for the ugliness and are able to deal with that. Did the A end in November or before?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I found out about the EA in Sept. I was led to believe that it was just that until I found an explicit pic of her on his phone on Oct. 25. I believe it ended in Sept. when I initially found out about it. 

He is now at the point where he doesn't know if we can be happy together. He keeps saying he loves me, but something is missing. I'm thinking that initial bloom/excitement/giddyness of love is what he wants. Who the hell knows anymore. I know he doesn't!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Go to marriagebuilders.com. They have excellent advice on how to recover after an affair -very logical, well laid out plans.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> While I am doing everything I know, he does NOTHING!!! I mean NOTHING. He knows I am doing these things and he just watches. I confronted him about this the other night and he told me that he has no motivation to work on us...


May I make the observation that it may be that you are creating an environment for him in which there is no incentive to do anything?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Great point. We avoid what makes us unhappy and do what makes us feel good. Don't you want to be the person who makes him feel good, so that he WANTS to make YOU happy?


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## moonlover (Dec 30, 2009)

You are grieving the lost of "Trust" & "Security". Grief has a process and you have to heal. It will not happen over night. Your expectations are unrealistic of him. Our marriage has suffered on both sides from EA's. I was devastated when I discovered the relationships, my first reaction was divorce. My second reaction was depression. My final reaction was counseling, this was needed for me to understand me. Our doctor was excellent at not wasting time getting down to the real facts about each one of ideas about marriage. THE GOOD, THE BAD & THE UGLY. Then he told us we both had a choice we could stay or we go our separate ways. However we would not be allowed to use the past a weapon to control the present or the future. Once you accept the past and discover what they root of the problem is, you have to put some weed killer on it and move on. Some weeds do grow back if you don't get the entire root.


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## can'tbelieveit (Dec 8, 2009)

turnera said:


> Great point. We avoid what makes us unhappy and do what makes us feel good. Don't you want to be the person who makes him feel good, so that he WANTS to make YOU happy?


Absofreakinlutely. So what do I need to stop doing. Everything?


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## can'tbelieveit (Dec 8, 2009)

Tanelornpete said:


> May I make the observation that it may be that you are creating an environment for him in which there is no incentive to do anything?



Ok, ouch.... 

Do you think I am expecting too much too soon? Please explain further.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Unless you actually know what your husbands emotional needs are, you won't be actually doing anything to build the fires in your relationship. Meanwhile, he is laying on some major love busters that can easily damage your relationship.

Is he simply not interested in remaining married? You mentioned that he agreed with you to 'work on your marriage' - but he isn't doing a thing. He also agrees to going to counseling. 

On the surface this makes no sense. Why would he go to counseling at all, it, as you say, he says he has no motivation to 'work on us'. How can he want to work on the marriage, and agree to counseling, but not want to work on us? It's a little confusing. 

Its possible - and I am just guessing - that he thinks he is doing the right things to work on the marriage. It's obvious that it isn't working for you - so the problem seems to be that there is a major disconnect in communication.

Also - could it be that some of the issues earlier in your marriage stemmed from you trying to control him? Perhaps (again, just guessing) he is reacting to previous manipulative behavior by passively withdrawing from any attempts you make now to arrange his thinking...

There are solutions to the issue - but I'm still a little unclear about what's going on...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

can'tbelieveit said:


> Absofreakinlutely. So what do I need to stop doing. Everything?


 Well, like I said, marriagbuilders.com gives you clear paths to take. In infidelity, first, listen to nothing he says about feelings, because the affair put a 'fog' in his brain that keeps him from seeing the truth. So just don't listen to the ILYBINILWY speech. If you print out the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires there, you can ask him to fill them out. If he won't, try to do them FOR him. Once you know what YOU do that always bothered him (snoring, shopping, messy, independent behavior, etc.), your LBs, work really really hard to make sure you never do them again. It takes a while to change your habits, but you need to do this anyway, right? 

Then, once you know his particular ENs, make sure YOU are the person meeting those needs. Affairs start because the OW meets some of those needs - usually admiration, conversation, attention, and of course, sex, if it goes that far. Figure out why you aren't meeting those needs, and CHANGE that behavior! Most men need to hear that you appreciate their hard work, or are proud of where they've gone in their career, or keep your yard nicer than anyone else in the neighborhood...stuff like that. 

These are very subtle things, but they work! They make him feel GOOD when he's around you, so that he wants to be around you.

Once he gets to that point, he WILL be motivated. Unless he's really still seeing OW, or someone else.

Finally, MB specifies that, if you work hard like this, and get no results, and your needs aren't getting met, you should NOT do it indefinitely. Set a goal of six months, if you can deal with it that long; if nothing changes, you need to reconsider whether you want to stay married to someone who won't commit. In your case, I would let him know you are doing that - there's a great motivator! The instant he knows you won't just hang around forever, he will probably see things a little differently. I can't tell you how many men I've run across who simply didn't believe the wife would ever leave them, thus they had no reason to listen to her - until she LEFT.

And then they come to the forums, crying, cos wife won't give him a chance. I was told to tell my H how close I was to leaving, and I finally did. Wow! what a difference that made.


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## can'tbelieveit (Dec 8, 2009)

Tanelornpete said:


> Is he simply not interested in remaining married? You mentioned that he agreed with you to 'work on your marriage' - but he isn't doing a thing. He also agrees to going to counseling.
> 
> He is interested in remaining married.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your input. I appreciate it.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Thanks for your replies! 

If he is indeed interested in working on the marriage, then the process Turnera talks about will work for you. The incentive he needs is simple: he wants to stay around, if he does he needs to start working. Otherwise, be prepared to have him move - or else be prepared to move out yourself.

That's a huge step - and I am not advising divorce (I never do). He says he is willing to work on the marriage - let it be so! Instead of words, you need to see actions. The idea is that if he is unwilling to work on the marriage (that is - actually do the things that are required to build it) then you need to remove the perks he gets from the marriage - let him see what life is without you and the kids. Start preparing that NOW, don't wait till you have to all of the sudden. At the very least - if hubby comes around - you'll have some money saved up for a little 2nd honeymoon for the two of you.

That's a ways in the future, though. Right now, be the person he fell in love with. 

And although you don't come across as a controlling person, I had to ask 

May I point out, however, that being irritated - wanting things to move faster than they are, getting upset when they don't, etc. _can_ be seen as controlling behavior. Right now, until your hubby wakes up and starts doing what he says he wants to do, you'll need to do a lot of the work yourself. 

But - not forever. Give him, as Turnera points out - a timeline. It's not good for you, him, or the kids to maintain the status of doormat forever: what kinds of things does this teach kids?


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## can'tbelieveit (Dec 8, 2009)

turnera said:


> Well, like I said, marriagbuilders.com gives you clear paths to take. In infidelity, first, listen to nothing he says about feelings, because the affair put a 'fog' in his brain that keeps him from seeing the truth. So just don't listen to the ILYBINILWY speech. If you print out the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires there, you can ask him to fill them out. If he won't, try to do them FOR him. Once you know what YOU do that always bothered him (snoring, shopping, messy, independent behavior, etc.), your LBs, work really really hard to make sure you never do them again. It takes a while to change your habits, but you need to do this anyway, right?
> 
> Then, once you know his particular ENs, make sure YOU are the person meeting those needs. Affairs start because the OW meets some of those needs - usually admiration, conversation, attention, and of course, sex, if it goes that far. Figure out why you aren't meeting those needs, and CHANGE that behavior! Most men need to hear that you appreciate their hard work, or are proud of where they've gone in their career, or keep your yard nicer than anyone else in the neighborhood...stuff like that.
> 
> ...


thanks turnera! your feedback is appreciated.

I have the book His Needs, Her Needs, is that the same questionaire that is in the back of that book? I will try to get him to do the questionaire, I'm not sure he will though.


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## can'tbelieveit (Dec 8, 2009)

Tanelornpete said:


> Right now, be the person he fell in love with.


I'm trying. It's hard. I have never been an insecure person, but this whole situation makes me. That however, is up to me to get over! 

I have started to take measures that if it happens to not work out, or I need to do something drastic, I should have the financial ability to do so. It makes me sick to even think that I have to do such things. 

Thank you Tanelornpete!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

can'tbelieveit said:


> thanks turnera! your feedback is appreciated.
> 
> I have the book His Needs, Her Needs, is that the same questionaire that is in the back of that book? I will try to get him to do the questionaire, I'm not sure he will though.


 It should be the same. Make sure you do the Love Buster one first, though. If you are poking holes in his love bucket by doing things that make him unhappy, all the needs you meet will just empty out through the holes and you're spinning your wheels. If you still blow all the money, it doesn't matter how much sex you give him, he'll still be upset about the money. Like that.

Tell him WHY you want it - so you can do what HE wants. If he won't, read it yourself, and look for opportunities to ask him about the things in it, individually, so he won't feel like he's being grilled.


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