# Wife smokes and I can't get over it.



## zxctf

I am a college track runner and my wife smokes. She smoked when I met her, she smoked through her pregnancy with my daughter, and she continues to smoke now. I was always against it and I made her aware of that. She always promised to quit, and several times told me she had quit. But I would always catch her doing it. The worst time was in her ninth month of pregnancy. I was not happy. 

I do not find it attractive, and I can't being myself to have sex with her anymore because of the smoking. I'm at a complete loss. I can't get over it. Just today she compared her smoking to my running. Saying that my running is going to kill me before cigarettes kill her. This made me angry. 

I can't get over it. But I still love her, I'm not looking for someone to tell me to get a divorce. I just want opinions on the situation. 

Am I wrong? She wants me to quit running altogether before she'll even consider quitting. I'm joining the Marine Corps, I have to run. And I've been running since I was 9 years old, I can't stop.


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## melw74

Sorry, She smoked when you met her tho. I know a lot of people do not like smoking and that is fine, but if i hated it as much as you do then i would not have got with them in the first place.

I can understand you feeling the way you do if it was a habit she picked up, but you knew this before you chose to settle down with her.

No i do not think its right for her to make you give up running, but i do not think its right for you to tell her to give up smoking either.

I smoke, I have anxiety, and sometimes believe it or not its been known to calm my nerves .


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## tdwal

Have her use the ecig.


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## Pamvhv

My husband enjoyed and quit using the e-cig. Take her to a vapor shop. They'll let her try out all kinds of flavors and what not.


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## Gonnabealright

Bottom line is you married her knowing she smoked and had no intention to quit. It's simple....shut up about it or get divorced.


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## honcho

You can quit running, she wont stop. Its like any other addiction until she wants to quit its a futile argument and she has nothing to lose right now in her head.

Your not going to divorce her and she has no fear of losing anything so its win/win in her head.


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## 6301

My buddy was a two pack a day smoker and he bought that EVOD electric cigarettes and in a month he was off the cigarettes. Yeah he still smokes the e cig but it mostly water vapor and the have a ton of flavors not to mention that there are different strengths of nicotine. Try it out for her. At least the smell will be gone.


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## WallaceBea

Does she want to quit smoking?


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## EleGirl

How long have you been married?

You married her knowing that she was a smoker. What did you think would happen?

She should not be smoking around your child or you.

See if you can get her to use ecigs. I know people who have used them and slowly gotten off nicotine addiction.


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## PBear

If being pregnant won't persuade her to quit smoking, I doubt there's much you can do about it. 

I just can't understand why you married her, if it was so important to you. I wouldn't marry a smoker, and if my partner started smoking while I was in a relationship, if she chose her cigarettes over me, that would be her option, I guess. Kissing an ashtray was never my thing.

C


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## Wiltshireman

OP,

Your wife is an ADDICT and you can not make her give up. she must want to give up for herself. 
The best that you can do is to promise to be there to support her when she is ready to give it a go.

Can I add a personal voice in favor of e-cigs / Vaping as a way to help stop smoking. After 30+ years of smoking and numerous attempts to give up using gum / patches etc I have now not smoked since the first week of December last year.


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## Maricha75

I can sympathize with what you are going through. Not because my husband smokes (he doesn't), but my mom did. My dad used to, and even my godmother, who lives with dad and my sister's family, used to. Dad quit many years ago, and it took a week for him to be completely free of them. My godmother quit, cold turkey, almost 10 years ago. Mom swore for many years that she'd quit. She'd tell us that she did, then sneak off to have a cigarette, thinking we wouldn't notice the smell on her. Even our pleas, that we wanted her to see her gradkids grow up, graduate, etc. weren't enough. She finally quit, for good, March 28, 2014. Official cause of death was septic shock, but she had so many other ailments related to her smoking, that the infection that caused the sepsis was just one more nail in the coffin. Bottom line, OP, is that your wife won't give up smoking unless/until she wants to.... or it will kill her... whichever comes first. No matter how much you beg, plead, yell, etc., you cannot make her quit. She has to make that decision herself.


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## chillymorn

your driving a huge wedge between you and your marriage. you married her knowing that she smoked. you say you love her.....then show her you love her by stopping all nagging and complaining about it. Have a talk and set some rules. she has to not smoke in front of you or the kids,she has to go outside to smoke,she has to pay for them out of her spend money.she has to brush her teeth after smoking everytime. she has to pay for a life insurance policy so if she dies your not left finanicaly straped raising a daughter by yourself. encourage her with understanding to try to quit.

realise that she will only quit when she is ready.


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## Maricha75

Yea, a lot of good "setting some rules" will do. Eventually, she will test those boundaries. I GUARANTEE it! Stop complaining about it? Wow.... Sorry, I disagree with you on that, as well, chillymorn. The woman said that she would quit... and even PRETENDED to quit. Brushing her teeth after each time she smokes? Nope. Doesn't work. The smell still lingers, regardles of what they try to do to rid themselves of it. 

The only thing about your post, chillymorn, that I agree with is that she will quit IF she wants. And the fact that she put the stipulation that OP is to quit doing something HEALTHY before she quits doing something UNHEALTHY says that she has no intention of quitting.... likely not ever.


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## chillymorn

Maricha75 said:


> Yea, a lot of good "setting some rules" will do. Eventually, she will test those boundaries. I GUARANTEE it! Stop complaining about it? Wow.... Sorry, I disagree with you on that, as well, chillymorn. The woman said that she would quit... and even PRETENDED to quit. Brushing her teeth after each time she smokes? Nope. Doesn't work. The smell still lingers, regardles of what they try to do to rid themselves of it.
> 
> The only thing about your post, chillymorn, that I agree with is that she will quit IF she wants. And the fact that she put the stipulation that OP is to quit doing something HEALTHY before she quits doing something UNHEALTHY says that she has no intention of quitting.... likely not ever.




If its this important to him he could make it a boundary/deal breaker for her to try a compromise. Realizing he is just as wrong as her.....he knew she smoked and hes paying the price for compromising his standards when he married a smoker in the first place.Or complain and nag acting all high on his horse until both of them dig their heels in then everybody loses.


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## Maricha75

And compromising only shows it's OK with him that she continues. My dad and we girls set those boundaries you mentioned. They don't work. Sorry, this is one thing that you and I will not agree on, chilly. Nothing anyone can say here will ever convince me that a boundary, that still allows an unhealthy behavior to continue, is a food compromise. If ecigs were to be tried, that would be a better compromise, but not one where actual smoking continues.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## chillymorn

Maricha75 said:


> And compromising only shows it's OK with him that she continues. My dad and we girls set those boundaries you mentioned. They don't work. Sorry, this is one thing that you and I will not agree on, chilly. Nothing anyone can say here will ever convince me that a boundary, that still allows an unhealthy behavior to continue, is a food compromise. If ecigs were to be tried, that would be a better compromise, but not one where actual smoking continues.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


so in your opinion he should just divorce her even though he knew she smoked prior to being married.

another case of they will change for me once were married!


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## Maricha75

chillymorn said:


> so in your opinion he should just divorce her even though he knew she smoked prior to being married.


No. Don't put words into my mouth. What I said is COMPROMISING ON SMOKING DOES NOT WORK. She will push the boundaries, again and again.



chillymorn said:


> another case of they will change for me once were married!


Yea, that's what happened. Never mind the fact that she did tell him she would quit, after he said he hates smoking, and broke her promise... which he stated in the OP.


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## OpenEnded

Well, you know. You have no power to change others. The endgame in your case may be to divorce. So better be prepared. 

Or accept her as she is and work on your resentment. 

Talk to her. Put all options on the table and ask her what would she be willing give. Can she imagine herself not smoking?


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## LongWalk

If this has killed your sex, then your marriage will die eventually in any case, so it is best to 180. When your wife understands you are checking out, you can make one last plea and then you need to divorce.


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