# So what do i do now?



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Im not sure how to post links to my other threads but basically
Been married 18 years
3 children 17, 14 and 10
Husband had brief EA in April lasting 7 weeks with a co worker.
Usual emotional turmoil that goes with EA. both of us following WS and BS scripts to the letter!!

I have had lots of helpfull advice and support over the past couple of months so here i am again looking for more!

So we are at the point now where seperation has been discusssed and we have agreed that he will move out after xmas, providing we can afford it.

We are living together as "friends" and it is hell. I still love him deeply and want my marriage to work. I am so emotional ALL the time and despite my best efforts i find it very difficult to hide it from him. 

i am taking small steps in trying to detach from him emotionally, but the bottom line is, i dont want too. I STILL feel like this is all a bad dream.

I wish we could afford for him to move out now (i know this sounds contradictory) but i just feel so emotional when he is here its killing me.

i am still grieving for my marriage and a husband that has completely emotionally shut down from me.

So what now? 
Do i put the 180 into practice, or, as some others suggest be his friend, love him and support him and put a smile on my face and carry on as normal. Im so confused right now.

He is being very passive right now and at times this makes me angry. He tells me its ok for me to be emotional and to cry, he will do whatever i need to maje this easier for me, he is kind and helps around the house and is great with the kids. But in some ways it makes it worse because it gives me hope that he will change his mind. 

Im not ready to give up yet, even if he is. I know he is full of guilt and remorse and he thinks hes this awaful person yada yada. Ive tried reassuring him but its getting to the point now where i want to tell him to get a grip of himself and man up!! lol

ANY advice is more than welcome. 
Thankyou
Daisygirl


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Husband had brief EA in April lasting 7 weeks with a co worker.


Any possibility whatsoever that this is still going on, or could it be happening with someone else?



daisygirl 41 said:


> i am taking small steps in trying to detach from him emotionally, but the bottom line is, i dont want too. ... i am still grieving for my marriage and a husband that has completely emotionally shut down from me. ... Im not ready to give up yet, even if he is.


Are you in counseling? It would help you work through the process of grieving the loss of your marriage. Having your H still there is somewhat of a roadblock in the getting over it. You can't heal until you have space to yourself. Even then, it will take time, and it stinks. I know, I've been there myself. 

You may not be ready to give up, but he's making it clear he is. I think doing a 180 is the only way to take care of yourself. When I left my first husband many years ago, he still wanted to hang on for dear life. It was a huge turn-off for me. Once I was done, that was it. So I've been the dumpee and the dumper. Neither role was pleasant.

I wish I had the solution to this, but all I can tell you is, force yourself to get involved with family, friends, and do stuff with your kids. Allow yourself to grieve.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Do the 180.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Sorry Prodigal and That girl tha i havent reponded to your post. My life is just one long rollercoaster of emotions right now and im just trying to deal with it the best i can. I do apreciate you replying to me though.

Prodigal of course i cant be 100 per cent sure that the EA isnt still going on but as far as i am aware there is no contact at all outside of work. I keep a close eye on him and his behaviour and everything appears ok in that respect.

I start IC on Friday. Im very nervous and scared about what is going to come up. I am just about holding it together at the moment and the thought of letting all my emtions out again is terrifying. I am sceptical about how the IC is gpong to help me but i am aware that i have control snd insecurity issues that need to be adressed.

To both - The 180. God help me i am trying, but failing miserably. I continue to push conversations about his feelings and our seperation, i tell him im sorry, i love hime, we can work this out and he continues to get further away from me. If i never talked about hin moving out and how he is feeling, it would never come up in conversation, so why am i doing it? Im still depserately tring to hang on to him and i know its got to stop.

Part of the probelm i think is that there are no boundaries in place and that we still get on so well as friends. We had a lovely weekend last weekend. Did things with the children and seperately and generally had a nice time. there was some fun and banter between us. Hw told me i looked good and hugged me. He is struggling with the situation to, I know that.

But last night, while i was in work i had another emotional breakdown and started a stupid txtin thing where i was pushing for answers and questionong him on WHY he didnt want to try anymore and in the end he just said "Because the love isnt there"! Oh boy. Where has my dear H gone. I blame myself so much for all of this. For 17 years he loved me and told me i was beautiful and now its gone. 

Im scared to do the 180 because i dont want to push him away any further, but i dont think there is anywhere further he can go!


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I'm kinda where your H is at with regards to my ability to love is lost. Don't blame yourself!!! 

It's part of the withdrawals of an EA where I believe we took our heart that we had given to our wife, and gave it to the OW instead. Now the heart is confused as to where it belongs. The EA is over, so it can't go there. And since it was taken from it's original spot, can it really go back to where it was? This is what he is likely thinking. At least, this is what I'm thinking.

Don't beg him to stay with you. Please don't. My wife has does this a few times and all it does is drive the guilt deeper into me and make me feel like I don't deserve someone so loving because of how I hurt her. It makes me more distant.

Get those boundaries in place, and enforce them. Encourage him by letting him know that you know he's struggling, and that you are going to help him through it. Let him know that you are going to IC to get some individual help in getting through this, and to learn how you can help him too. He also needs to go to IC. And both of you need MC. 

If my wife did the 180 on me while I'm enforcing my own boundaries and working on myself, I'd likely leave out of extreme guilt and disgust with myself. I'd be convinced that she has given up on me, and is moving on. But that's just me.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

HerToo once again thanks for your input. I'm kind of doing a semi 180 at the moment. Trying to distance myself to protect myself but not being too distant because afterall we are still together in the same house. My H is hurting too. He is a shadow of his former self and it's painful to see. I want to protect myself but I want to be there for him too.

We slept in separate beds last night for the first time. It was horrible but he came and hugged me this morning before going to work and he's kept in contact by txt a few times today. 
I'm so lonely. I miss my H so much. I just want him back!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

TIME

You need to let him come back to you.

LET HIM GO!!!! Let him move out if that is what he wants for now.

Do the 180 mostly... when you want to talk...DON'T (IF you do only talk about current and future...drop the past)
DO NOT ASK HIM ABOUT HIS FEELINGS... He is still sorting those out...GIVE HIM SPACE.
ACT instead.
Stay upbeat and friendly.

All your clingy behavior is pushing him more away from you.

HE HEARD YOU ALREADY (unless he's deaf)...give it time.

Seems to me he wants to work it out... let him.

Did I say TIME! Lot's of TIME.

There is NO QUICK FIX!
Look in the MIRROR and learn about MEN.

He had the EA because you didn't provide love in a way he felt it. 
Sounds like he needs your RESPECT... he's probably a big word of affirmation guy.

Might take years...get your mind straight about settling in for the long haul.

It's NOT all your fault... fix your part of it.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I wish you good luck Daisygirl. I'm sorry you are hurting. I hope your H finds his way back to where he belongs. Your chances are good. You are both young, and your kids still need both of you there. 

Don't give up on him and have him end up like me.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

HerToo said:


> I wish you good luck Daisygirl. I'm sorry you are hurting. I hope your H finds his way back to where he belongs. Your chances are good. You are both young, and your kids still need both of you there.
> 
> Don't give up on him and have him end up like me.


I see so much of my H in your posts HerToo and I look at how you are feeling as a sort of guide as to what my H might be going through. I feel his pain. I see the stress written all over his face. And with all due respect, your wife sounds as if she is feeling like me. She wants your marriage to work. She loves you. Why can't you (and H) accept it and just move on with us? I feel like shaking him (and you!!!) lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Trying2figureitout. I hear you. I am listening to what you are saying. I keep on telling myself he is confused and doesn't know what he wants but am I just kidding myself?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I don't want to hijack your thread with my problems. 

Best wishes


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

HerToo said:


> I don't want to hijack your thread with my problems.
> 
> Best wishes


You're not doing that at all and I hope I didn't give you that impression. We are all here trying to get through very tough times. Hijack away! : - )
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Trying2figureitout. I hear you. I am listening to what you are saying. I keep on telling myself he is confused and doesn't know what he wants but am I just kidding myself?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He is as confused as you... be a woman he can respect that is your goal right now. Let him go until he wants to come back to you. Think about what you want when he returns could come in very handy later. Its up to you to do the right thing.... so he can eventually come up to your level.

He's leaving NOT YOU.... You have the upper hand. Use it.

Look at this as a blessing (I know that's hard)... it's not often you get a do-over in life. If you play your cards right your marriage will vastly improve in time. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!

This is simply a "course correction" start doing some 180 when he leaves.

Reality will soon smack him upside the head... let him experience that on his own!
In the meantime... improve yourself for yourself and any man (Hopefully your husband one day)
Learn about men... it's not all sex... mostly but not all.

I actually many times thanked my wife for her REALITY CHECK two years ago with ILYNILWY... it gave me a chance to return the favor. Now we are on track!


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

You did not give me that impression. It was a courtesy.

This has been a very rough day for me. Tomorrow is a critical day for me. So is the weekend that follows. What occurs will dictate the future. I'm not afraid, scared or depressed. I've lost the ability to feel anything. I don't know what the outcome will be, but it will be movement of some kind. I'll have to wait and see.

Back to you. Tell your husband this, please: "I will stand here always with my arms open to welcome you back. What you did only caused a scar, not a fatal wound, for both of us. Let me help your scar heal, while you help heal mine. We can't heal alone, it must happen together. You have the power to heal me, as do I to heal you. It's time to start our treatments, no matter how long it takes. Your wonderful hug this morning helped me realize this."


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

You really seem like a good woman. I hope he realizes what he's throwing away at some point while there is still time. 

Best wishes


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## wantitmorethananything (Nov 10, 2011)

I'm in a very similar situation only a couple of months farther, my wife of 14 years moved out about two months ago, and its hell. I am working on the marriage with everything that I have, she says she doesn't want to put much into it. I think think that I have been handling the whole thing in the best way possible. I have been going to individual therapy and have improved myself hugely, both as an individual and as a husband(potential). Not that this has had too much tangible effect on her-I think that she actually now sees that I am the husband that she has always wanted but has so much resentment that it took me this long that she can't currently let me in, but she does see it, and to me right now that is the important thing. So I would do this first. Too much begging will make him feel pressured but he may will see the changes that you can make in yourself. Don't ask him to commit to anything but you might be able to discuss potential future scenarios. Listen intently to his grievances. Go to therapy with him. Our therapist has help to set up some guidelines for my wife a I's contact. It seems rigid but does make some sense. We meet briefly for dinner tuesdays just to check in, we meet thursdays at one of our places for the evening and usually discuss heavy topics, then on saturdays we go somewhere and have a nice time-to revisit the nice parts of our relationship and also put into practice some glimpses of the future, and try not to discuss heavy topics. If anything might help these might.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> He is as confused as you... be a woman he can respect that is your goal right now. Let him go until he wants to come back to you. Think about what you want when he returns could come in very handy later. Its up to you to do the right thing.... so he can eventually come up to your level.
> 
> He's leaving NOT YOU.... You have the upper hand. Use it.
> 
> ...


Thankyou for your input. Your straight talking is just what i need right now. I know he has to go in order for him to work out what he wants. unfortunately we just havent got the finances right now in order for him to do that. Its a difficult situation. If we had the money, he could go. It will break my heart but i know its for the best. 

Im trying very hard not to be clingy and i have good days and bad days. On the one hand im so afraid of letting him go because im so scared that he wont come back, but on the other i know that its for the best, even if he doesnt want to return. I worry about my children too and how they will react. My daughter absoultely idolises her dad. She will be devastated! For some reason he doesnt think the kids will be affected by it! Hes in such denial right now.

Thanks again


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

wantitmorethananything

He refuses any sort of counselling. he says its not going to fix it. Nothing will, because the love isnt there! 

I start IC today. Im very nervous, and am anxious about what to expect.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Soccerfan73 said:


> You really seem like a good woman. I hope he realizes what he's throwing away at some point while there is still time.
> 
> Best wishes


Thankyou. You are not the first person to say this about him. Friends and family cannot believe the decisions he is making right now. Funnily enough though, he hasnt told his own father that he is moving out! So that tells me he knows damn well he is not doing the right thing!

We have had out problems in the past. Im not perfect by any means, and there are times when i have neglected his feelings and not been the wife i should have been. But i have always loved him and supported him. 

I almost feel like hes done a 180 on me! He gone from being loving, affectionate and demonstrative, to being totally shut down and withdrawn from me. I look at him and i dont know this person who is standing in front of me!


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Just wanted to add that on top of our marriage problems there is other stuff going on right now also. His dad has been diagnosed with skin cancer. We live 400 miles away and my H is the only person he has to rely on. He rings hime every evening for at least half an hour to make sure he is ok and he visits him monthly/ He is having an operation next week to remove growths on his neck and face. My H is going to stay with him for 4 days. H says that this is worrying him and what will be will be but i cant believe that this isnt adding to all his stress.

Also on Dec 4th its the 2nd anniversary of my dads passing. We were very close and i miss him so much right now!


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Hi all.
up and down over the weekend.
Friday i started my IC, which was more of a getting to know me session but she cocluded that H is acting lioke the victim in all of this, and yes i suppose she is right. She said i appeared to be suffering from acute symptoms of stress and anxiety!! Really!!! Felt very emotional after it but went for lunch with a friend so that helped.

Met him in town after work (his request) and felt very anxious when i saw him. The strain between us was evident. Got home,made tea, then he asked me about the IC. didnt get emotional about it, told him it helped to talk to someone and that she wasnt going to give me any advice on what to do but help me to come up with the answers myself. Suggested it would be a good idea for him to consider it and this was the FIRST time he didnt actually didmiss it completely, which was positive.

Went upstairs for a sit on the bed, he came up to change,so i asked him about the sleeping arrangements as he had said earleir in the week that we were going to slepp seperately from now on. He couldnt answer me, so i said look, whatever you decide is fine, dont be afraid to tell me what you what!! He sat on the bed and started crying. Said how stressed out he was and that hes finding this all so difficult and that he just needed some space, so i agreed with him, just put my arms around him and said nothing!! so proud of myself

So he slept in my daughters room Fri night. Now understand, this was so hard for me, we NEVER sleep in seperate beds. In 18 years, apart from work, i can count on 1 hand how many times we have slept apart. But i survived! Sat morning me and my daghter got up early, watched a movie, i showered and dressed, and left him in bed. I called him at 10.30 to say i was going out for coffee with a friend, it was fine!

Saturday,ny emotions were all over the place a bit again. It was one of my oldest friends 40th bdays and he had origionally said he would attend with me but, on Friday he said he just wasnt up to socialising at the moment (hes not the most social of people anyway). So i was torn as to what to do because there were going to be a lot of couples there. i really didnt feel up to it but i didnt want let my friend down either. but in the end i went, H even drove me to the event and offered to pick me up, and it was fine, had a fab time!

So yesterday was pretty calm, we slept in the same bed, as my daughter had a friend sleeping over, which HE had arranged. Still keeping his sense of humour though and he got some green tape ane put it down the middle of the bed to seperate my side and his side!!  But that was fine, He went food shopping for me yesterday morning and we played the Xbox together for an hour when he got back. He had some work to do in the afternoon so i took my daughter to the cinema, and last night we watched a movie. As it was coming to bed time i washed and brushed my teeth and just walked past him and said "goodnight, see you in the morning", To which he replied, "ill be up in a minute, ill sleep with you tonight shall i ?". So i just said "0k thats fine". So in bed we had a little hug, i kissed him goodnight and turned over and went to sleep.

So all in all i think my mini 180 is working a bit. Even though i have still been emotional this weekend i have NOT talked about my feelings, affirmed the way he is feeling and told him its ok to feel that way. He mentioned moving out once or twice and i just agreed and said that whatever happens it will be ok.

He went to work this morning and i am the one who usually aproaches him for a hug or kiss but i just sat on the sofa and smiled and siad have a good day. He came over and stuck his cheek out for me to kiss him,and i didnt, so he rubbed his cheeck on me and then kissed me on the lips!!  first time hes done that in ages. So i must say, i caved a bit and gave him a hug  know i shouldnt have but i did.

so this week is gonna be a tough one. He is taking the rest of the week off and he is going to visit his dad on Wednesday who is having an operation to remove 2 cancerous growths. He will be back on Friday or Saturday, depending how it goes. I told him not to rush back and take as much time as he needs. Im going to try and put my feelings on hold this week as he needs my support through this. So definately no talking about my fellings and our relatioship, this week is about his dad and supporting him through that. Ive got to get this right so any encouragement and words of support would be more than apreciated.

Oops! Long post! Just needed to talk i guess.

One more thing!! Im really doing well on the forgiveness, trust thing. I havent metioned the OW in over 4 weeks now and the phone bill came on Saturday and i didnt even open it, just left it on the side. I take the ocasional look at his phone, hes got a new one now, but there has been absolutely no eveidence of contact outside work for months!


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Very good news! I'm glad to see you two are reconnecting. As he visits his dad, contact him to see how his dad is doing. It will be all about this dad, and not your relationship. The support you express for his dad will be very meaningful and heart felt to him. 

You post was long, but worth reading. It's nice that you have people to talk and socialize with. I imagine that helps.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

So I reckon I've got about 8-10 weeks before he moves out.
My attempts at the 180 only alienate him further. I am in IC. I'm working on my issues.
He says he doesn't love me, I'm controlling and moody. Dialogue between us is better but there are communication issues but I feel they are improving.
I love him. I don't want him to leave. Could it really be for the best?
So anyone please what can I do over the next couple of months to show him what a huge mistake he is making?
I will continue to improve myself and grow stronger mentally and I will attempt to try and disconnect. But the bottom line is I STILL can't believe he is really gonna go! 
Help!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

We have always been the type of couple that the more time we spend together the closer we get. If he goes, I'm afraid the distance will Finnish us!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I think this limbo is the hardest part. Once he has actually moved out i think it will be easier for me to cope day by day. While he is still here there are times i almost feel immobilised with hurt and grief. Im afraid of loosing my best friend.

We are communicating a bit better now and we chatted this mornnig about the future. I can barely bring myself to listen . But he says whatever happens he will never see me and the children short and he will do what he can to make this easier for both of us. Is this just to make him self feel better? once hes gone will he just stop caring?

Im not afraid of being alone and im not particularly afraid of the future. I know whatever will happen will be ok. This is the hardest part. Letting him go when i want to cling on with all my might. But i know he needs to go. He needs to find himself again and have space to sort out the muddle in his head.


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## Sindo (Oct 29, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> So I reckon I've got about 8-10 weeks before he moves out.
> My attempts at the 180 only alienate him further. I am in IC. I'm working on my issues.
> He says he doesn't love me, I'm controlling and moody. Dialogue between us is better but there are communication issues but I feel they are improving.
> I love him. I don't want him to leave. Could it really be for the best?
> ...


Daisy, the 180 is not for him, it's for you. It's to help you find the strength to continue whether he stays or not. 

It can sometimes have the side effect of helping you reconnect, but that wouldn't happen overnight, and would take consistent and sustained effort. He complained that you are moody and controlling. It is not possible to be either of those things when doing the 180 properly.

That said, the only one who can make the choice to stay is him. That is the main reason you should be doing the 180. If push comes to shove, you need to be able to let him go. For yourself, for your children, and even for him.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Sindo said:


> Daisy, the 180 is not for him, it's for you. It's to help you find the strength to continue whether he stays or not.
> 
> It can sometimes have the side effect of helping you reconnect, but that wouldn't happen overnight, and would take consistent and sustained effort. He complained that you are moody and controlling. It is not possible to be either of those things when doing the 180 properly.
> 
> That said, the only one who can make the choice to stay is him. That is the main reason you should be doing the 180. If push comes to shove, you need to be able to let him go. For yourself, for your children, and even for him.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Sindo: I'm getting there. He is going to look at a flat this week and I've been ok about it. I know it's what he needs to do. On the other hand I desperately don't want him to go. I am just about holding it together and am supporting his decision to leave. Today I just feel numb. 
He asked me if I wanted to go see the flat with him!!! What do I do? He says he wants us to be friends and when I mentioned divorce he said it hadn't entered his head!
I feel very down and alone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bellamaxjoy (Oct 27, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> TIME
> 
> 
> He had the EA because you didn't provide love in a way he felt it.
> ...


I really resent the fact that you say HE had the affair because of HER not giving him what he needed. That is BS. In a marriage, if your needs are not being met, you discuss it, not bail and go get your rush with another woman. 
She did NOTHING to cause this. PERIOD


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