# Creative Ideas Please!



## ShuffleUp (Jun 5, 2009)

I was tipped off this week that there is a box of stuff in my house that evidently the OM bought a few items for my wife and I have located this stuff up in the attic. A couple stupid things like CD's, a purse, some photos, a coffee mug, a couple dvd's.

The A was pretty recent (D-Day was May and NC has only been in force for about 2 months). I have intelligence that told me that she plans to do something with the box imminently (disposal-wise). She doesn't yet know I know about the box. We keep our intelligence a secret until we figure out how to play it, right?

Anyway - help me think of some creative things to do to the items in the box or the box itself. (Or tell me that I am handling this wrong.) 

I have been doing OK, but for some reason seeing this stuff in my house is eating me up and I feel for the first time, vengeful, in the sense of wanting to destroy this stuff. Talk me out of it if you want to. I am confused on what to do for some reason. 

What would you do as a BH? I guess there should be some context: NC for 2 months, her w/d symptoms are still present but improving. Beginning to do some MB stuff, maybe it would be a LB to destroy this stuff but should I care? 

Help!!! I don't see myself sitting on this for long!!!


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Just move the stuff somewhere else. The chances of her asking you about it are slim to none.

You could even couch it in something else -- "I moved some stuff around in the attic because I want to put X, Y and Z up there before the holidays."


----------



## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

Yeah, I would just move them or donate them to Goodwill or something. If she asks about them, tell her you didn't recognize them and threw them out. Might be a good time to discuss how things are going with the two of you, and how things are improving.


----------



## NightOwl (Sep 28, 2009)

I think if you are dealing with the affair together you should tell her you found the stuff. In my case my partner had a coat the OW had bought him. We agreed to donate it to the goodwill, to take something painful and use it to help other people, and that was a satisfactory approach.


----------



## Lostandconfused (Jul 6, 2009)

Oh and here I thought you were looking for creative ideas like well ... uhm maybe hiding the coffee mug in the back of the cabinet and the next time you sit down for coffee/hot tea, w/e with the wife, pulling it out and using it all the while commenting on how cool of a mug it is. You know, making a really big deal about how much you like it and it could become your very favorite mug of all!

Or uhm well ... it could be putting in one of the CD's and saying something like wow, didn't know we had this cd. It sure relaxes me, how about you hon??? Maybe "this" could be "our" song?

Okay, okay, NOT what I'd really do because that's a sure fire way to alienate your wife I imagine. But it sure was fun thinking about it. :rofl:

Giving away to goodwill sounds like the best plan to me after discussing it with her. 

Gosh, I'm tired of being the one doing the right thing ... I mean what about her? Shouldn't she have brought them to you and asked what you'd like to her to do with them? 

Never mind me ... guess I'm having one of those snippity days. Listen to the others ... they gave good advice.

Lost


----------



## ShuffleUp (Jun 5, 2009)

I called my counselor and was told to calmly and softly take the box to her tonight, explain that it is hurtful to me, and that having items around that can cause memories of the A is bad for our progress. 

Then, that I should let it sink in for a second, and ask her what she thinks would be a good idea to do with the items RIGHT NOW. To give her a chance to come up with the right answer. I don't know how that will go but I'm guessing it won't be comfortable. 

So then if she doesn't come up with the right answer, that I need to say that I can't have them in our home and I can invite her to go take care of the disposal with me. 

Initially I wanted all kinds of creative and vengeful ideas, but I thought better of it!

Prayers please!


----------



## mrsbroken (Sep 23, 2009)

Prayers for you. You are stronger then me. I think that I would have had fun burning them watching all the stuff she keep aways from you go up in smoke then if she would have asked about the box I would have said what box? See I did rip up hubby's pic of her in front of my hubby all the time him asking what do u think u are doing then me telling him if he wanted our marriage to work out I couldn't have her pic in our house then he sit down and watch me finish ripping up the pics. Made me feel better


----------



## Lostandconfused (Jul 6, 2009)

Shuffle,

Absolutely my prayers are with you AND my admiration. You are doing such a great job of doing the right thing. I'm really glad that you were able to connect with your counselor and that they gave such great advice.

Hang in there!
Lost


----------



## Calypso (May 11, 2009)

I would ask her to get rid of it. If the OM is out of the picture and you guys are working on your marriage. Then there is no need for her to hang on to that part of her life. My H got rid of everything the OW had given him I never had to see or deal with it. Sending good thoughts and prayers your way.


----------



## ShuffleUp (Jun 5, 2009)

Ok I will abbreviate the story just so I can get this posted. We were driving home from church and this was my only opportunity to have the discussion without our daughter around who was staying with a friend. The bottom line is that I stayed remarkably calm and soft, and told her that we have both had to make hard decisions to do what's right for our family, and that I apprecaite that. And that sometimes when one of us is weak we have to rely on the other to help accomplish things in our life. But that I have been having some anxiety about something, then I described the box and its contents. I said I needed to ask her what she would like to do with the box tonight so that we can move past it.

She went crazy mad. She said she was getting to the point where she was about to get rid of it herself, why am I amking her make a decision about it today, she wanted to do it on her own time... I asked her again, what would she like to do with the box toinght? She said she wanted to handle it herself when she was ready, and that she was almost there. I said OK when are you going to solve this? No answer. So I drove by a dumpster and told her she could do it if she wanted to, or I would be glad to throw it out. She wasn't ready to do it. So I threw it in the dumpster. 

She was really going nuts mad about it. I told her I understand that she is upset, but she has to understand my pain when I saw this stuff. I told her she had plenty of chances in the last 2 months since NC to go ahead and get rid of it, and that I appreciate she was ready to do it herself and that honestly I wish I had never seen the stuff because she had already gotten rid of it, but that wasn't how it played out.

We got home, she was still livid. She was saying how she had been doing so much better but now this was a setback. I told her I knew it would feel that way to her, because I thought things were going better as well and then when I found the box, it was a setback for me as well. She screamed about why couldn't I let her do it on her own time. I told her that I couldn't sit at home knowing that hurtful reminder of her affair was up there. She said, why do we always have to do it your way? I said, believe me, this entire scenario has not been played out as I would have wished for, but it is important for me to be able to move on by getting rid of the stuff.

She then started packing a bag. She said she was going to go stay at her mom's tonight. I told her OK. She walked out the door and my daughter (4.5 yrs old) started balling for mama.


----------



## Lostandconfused (Jul 6, 2009)

Shuffle,

I'm really sorry that she reacted this way. I know how badly it feels when they turn the blame back on you as "controlling" them or "having everything your way". I know how much it hurts to have them care so much about the other person and having their own way that they get angry and throw fits. I wish they could see the view from the other side. How controlling and selfish they appear, but they don't.

I think you handled expressing how you felt very well. Explaining that yes, as much as it appears to be a set back to her that it was a set back to you as well. I hope she hears that clearly. She needs to see your feelings, acknowledge them, and accept them rather than trying to blame you for everything.

Right now it seems she's only seeing things from her own point of view. It's human to do that but it's hard to rationalize with someone who won't try to be objective even a little bit.

I guess it's easy from my vantage point to say what she should be doing. Unfortunately, you have to deal with what she's actually doing. I hurt for you.

Hang in there. Keep on being kind and gently expressive with your feelings and I'll keep praying for you and your daughter. How sad.

Lost


----------



## New Beginnings (Sep 9, 2009)

ShuffleUp said:


> Ok I will abbreviate the story just so I can get this posted. We were driving home from church and this was my only opportunity to have the discussion without our daughter around who was staying with a friend. The bottom line is that I stayed remarkably calm and soft, and told her that we have both had to make hard decisions to do what's right for our family, and that I apprecaite that. And that sometimes when one of us is weak we have to rely on the other to help accomplish things in our life. But that I have been having some anxiety about something, then I described the box and its contents. I said I needed to ask her what she would like to do with the box tonight so that we can move past it.
> 
> She went crazy mad. She said she was getting to the point where she was about to get rid of it herself, why am I amking her make a decision about it today, she wanted to do it on her own time... I asked her again, what would she like to do with the box toinght? She said she wanted to handle it herself when she was ready, and that she was almost there. I said OK when are you going to solve this? No answer. So I drove by a dumpster and told her she could do it if she wanted to, or I would be glad to throw it out. She wasn't ready to do it. So I threw it in the dumpster.
> 
> ...


Why is it that the adulterous spouses always shift the blame or react like above when their the ones that commited the offense. I wish for once that those people would open their eyes and accept the fact that what they did was the injustice, not the recovering spouse who had it happen to them.


----------

