# Help - Husband does nothing with kids ever.



## eulb4demrahc (Feb 7, 2011)

Hello
We have a few problems that after reading other posts I feel like I can try really really hard to better myself and maybe increase my hubbies sex drive. Be more interesting and take better care of myself. One major obstacle is that I homeschool so all aspects of everything is my responsibility. 
The house, the cleaning, the kids, vacations, breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks. Kids activities, everything is my JOB.
My husband goes to this office for 40 hours a week then when he's home he's online gaming. 

There have been a few times when I've made him go with us on the weekend to one of our kids events but he's always so mean and makes everyone be on their tip toes around him.
Very stressful. 

AFter 11 years of this, My daughter is 11 now. The kids and I just stopped asking him to do stuff with us. We go away camping for weeks and just leave him home. He doesn't want to go or be bothered. Some of you may think he's got a girl friend on the side. NO He doesn't leave the house. He's a hermit! If it wasn't for his work or me making him do things he'd never never leave the house. Just doesn't want to. 

My son is starting hockey and he said " I don't have to go to any games do I" I ignored him and told our son that it was ok he was kidding. But I know he's not.

Besides never having sex because I do not initiate. That's the only way we'be ever had sex. But since the way he treats the kids makes me not attracted to him. Our relationship is basically roommates and he brings home the money I spend it to take care of the home and him. I'm the maid service, the cook, the Laundry service, and the 24 hour daycare. Hell I wouldn't be attracted to me either... Makes me so sad!!

Sorry to rant. 
It's just been coming to a head this last year. We've had a few rough spots that I just seem to not be able to get over. 

Lately I'm asking myself if I love him. We've been together for 17 years. I know he's a better person then who I'm living with lately! I don't know how to get him back. I don't know how to motivate him when I feel like I'm busy trying to minimize the damage for the kids. I'm running for three people usually and never have help. 
Help


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

"One major obstacle is that I homeschool so all aspects of everything is my responsibility.
The house, the cleaning, the kids, vacations, breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks. Kids activities, everything is my JOB".

Umm no its not. Everything is NOT your job, unless you are allowing it to be. I understand you doing most of that stuff, because you are the one home. However, I see so many people, men or woman who think that because they are the bread winners, and once their foot hits the door from a job thats all they have to do. WRONG, this anit the 50's. Having a family is shared responsibilities. Also, not sure how old your kids are, but some of that stuff they can do as well, such as chores etc. 

He sounds like a dud! He doesn't want to do anything, but go to work and play online games. He isn't even interested in any of his kids stuff. You don't have sex, which I can see why, I mean I wouldn't feel attracted to a man who never wanted to do anything with me and my kids either. 

Do you think he might have a online gaming issue? Or has he always been like that? If not, when did you notice, him not wanting to do anything with you or the kids. I'm sorry you're going through all of this, however, if he isn't willing to meet you half way at least and work on things, you will need to make a decision.


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## Izabella (Dec 22, 2010)

1.)just go on and live your life,just you and the kids.meet other stay at home or home school parents and help each other with looking after each other kids and go out and have a life,let your husband just be your roommate,at least until the kids are off on their own and get an online degree so you can support yourself if you decide to leave.

2.)or divorce him,the kids will have to go to school,you will have to get a job.

(this is what i would choose)
3.)or,tell him everything you just wrote to us. your unhappy with the marriage and why,ask him does he want to stay married and if he does tell him the only way for that to happen will be to change the marriage around for the better and he will have to want to be a husband and father,that you will not except any less from him.
go to counciling.

you have children and a history together,you took vows.do everything you can to save your marriage/family.you can get that passion back and attraction to your husband,but you both have to want the marriage/family and each other.


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## eulb4demrahc (Feb 7, 2011)

1. Divorce is not an option. I've worked way to hard for 20+ years to just give up.

2. It could always be worse. He's not abusive. He's not demanding or cruel. I pretty much do whatever I want.

This issue is that I'm doing it alone. I didn't get married to be a single mother. I just really really need to figure out what I'm doing that is preventing him from participating.

I've known from the beginning that he's not very social but his job demands that he be in charge and function in that capacity so I get that when he's home he needs down time.

I've always made excuses and need to accept responsibility for that but i'm feeling so lonely. 

Why does it have to be a choice Either the kids or him. I feel like I'm mom all the time. Book after Book says to be sexy be the wife he fell in love with. But he's always putting me in the mom roll and I just do not know how to make that different. 

OMG Weekends are the worst. We stay home to be with him. You can cut the pressure in the house with a knife. My kids have taken to just staying on their computers all day to avoid any drama. Tv or computer that's our weekend because I made the decision to be around him no matter what. Kids are 11 and 9. They are desperate to be outside and explore. Or they used to be. Now they've decided to be like him and actually told me NO to bike riding they wanted to just stay and watch tv. UGH

He does complain that we avoid him and do not include him. Please explain this to me... He doesn't want to do what we NEED to do to feel real but he doesn't want to be left out either. I don't get it.


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## eulb4demrahc (Feb 7, 2011)

Isabella. That option 3 is definitely what I want. I'm afraid to confront him. On one hand I feel like he lives here he should already know. Plus when I do talk to him about serious stuff it's like we are different countries at war. He immediately feels like I'm complaining and he's "all wrong" He feels attacked. Believe me that is never worth it. I wish I can figure out a way for the kids and I to have the life we want around him and I feel like he'll wake up one day and say to himself. Wow they are great I need to be apart of that!!!


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## eulb4demrahc (Feb 7, 2011)

My deepest desire. Gladiator man comes home one day and whisks me off my feet. Takes me to the bedroom and ravages me. Then takes the kids out for the afternoon so i can relax in a bubble bath in a quiet house of BLISS! 
Is this to much to ask. Once in 17 years. I don't think so.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

After he gets in from work tonight, dinner has been eaten, kids put to bed, he has had his "down time" on the his gaming or whatever he does, you need to tell him you would like to talk with him. 

I would take no excuses. Its understandable he would be tired but so would you be after your day as well. If he makes an excuse of to tired, then next thing you know, he will have another excuse, and the subject will go untouched. 

Make sure you tell him in a nice but firm way for him to please explain to you why it is that you have tried to include him in things but HE is the one who doesn't want to do things etc. Only he knows why he will or will not be interested in what you and/or the kids are doing etc. 

He needs to communicate with you more. You need to communicate with him and not be afraid, you see thats not helping anything. Also, I understand you say divorce isn't an option and that is fine, I'm all for trying to work things out in a marriage if possible. However, you said yourself the kids were acting or being like him, so remember, they are learning what they see and hear in your household. 

Talk to him tonight. Lay some ground rules. Tell him what you need from him. He brings home a paycheck, thats wonderful and respectable, but so is helping a spouse out with other things and being involved in family life. He can't b*tch about not being included or asked to be, when he has and when its him who is choosing not to be.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

eulb4demrahc- Ok. First off. There is hope. My wife and I have 4 children and we homeschool. Your husband sounds a ton like me 6 months ago. I wasn't quite that bad, but I know I would have became that if allowed to trudge through another 5 years. (we have been married 12) You have to drop the bomb on him. Tell him you are detached. That you aren't ready to go get a lawyer, but you are on that road. (this is what I was told) Your husband is in a funk. He needs to come out.

6 months ago- I had no relationship with my children. I would come home from work and get on the internet or watch tv. I however, was addicted to football. I was irritable around the children. I would actually initiate sex, but it wasn't what it could be and was entirely mechanical/physical and not emotionally bonding. My wife did everything around the house including educate our children.

Now- My kids are dying to see daddy come home. I am involved in their homework. I took my son yesterday to ride dirt bikes with some other kids/dads for the first time in his life. They are all over me loving on me. It is fantastic. I take over for my wife when I walk in the door. I tell her- Do you need to go somewhere? I've got this, take a break. I cook dinner, clean the kitchen afterwards and make sure the kids get their bedtime stuff done. I haven't watched football since September and I'm loving it. We are in therapy, and I am really finding my groove. Only problem. You inside, are angry. When you get into counseling, you will have to flush all the stuff out from years of lack of emotional support. We are going through it now. She tells me stuff like I hate you and I don't love you anymore. Quite difficult. Homeschooling has been brutal and she has needed everything I can give. Sometimes it is hard to see the forest through the trees. 

Regardless, there is hope. He can change. He needs to change now. For you, for your kids, and most of all----for him. He probably doesn't realize how miserable he is. (I didn't) However, now my wife is miserable trying to deal with all the suppressed emotions. lol


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## eulb4demrahc (Feb 7, 2011)

Thanks to everyone who is posting. It is unbelievable how much better I feel just being able to talk it out. 

Dedicated 2 her... Way to go. Congrats on your new found life and happiness. I couldn't imagine that scenario happening here. 
I do take responsibility for a lot of the way things are.
If my husband came home and said go do whatever! I'd feel lonely and not really know what to do. I enjoy being with my husband and having fun with the family. Going off alone is not the prize. 
Your wife is probably having new scary emotions in addition to suppressed emotions. 
If it was me I could imagine myself being pressured to do more. If my husband steps up to the plate and does his share then I need to step up and do more also. When would it be enough. How long before you actually achieve happiness just being together again without it seeming like a job! 
It's so frustrating thinking sometimes. 
You know what it is. The weekend is hard and now it's Monday. Monday is my reflection day. Today it's not so bad. Hubbies at work. Kids and I are working our schedule with is fantastic through the week and we are at peace. So now I'm having feelings of "Why rock he boat" It's not so bad. Ok that's my reality. 
The roller coaster. 
Am I still lonely. Yes
Do I crave loving attention. Yes
Can I manage it. Yes when he's at work. 
I'm sure tomorrow will be better.

Do you know what happened putting you in a funk? Do you think you'd have found a way out of it on your own? 

I guess I'm in a funk also because I like being in charge of everything but then that means I do everything also. To have him be here more isn't appealing to me right now. We don't see eye to eye and it's stressful. 
But it boils down to being lonely and wanting a partner who would want to be with me. I'd love him to ask me to go on a bike ride. I think I'd suffer extreme euphoria if he did that. Scary! 
Ok change is more scary on My blissful Monday's then it would be on Yucky Saturday.


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## eulb4demrahc (Feb 7, 2011)

trey69 said:


> Talk to him tonight. Lay some ground rules. Tell him what you need from him. He brings home a paycheck, thats wonderful and respectable, but so is helping a spouse out with other things and being involved in family life. He can't b*tch about not being included or asked to be, when he has and when its him who is choosing not to be.


:smthumbup:
Your right. This is a good idea. I do think I need to figure out exactly what to say before jumping into this though. I have a tendency to ramble and he will have stopped listening long before I get to the point. 

The hard part here is listing exactly what I want and need WITHOUT resentment. 
Maybe I don't really know exactly what I want. I do really appreciate him going to work everyday and dealing with all his responsibilities there. I don't want him to feel like I don't appreciate that because I do. 
Maybe he's not happy because of something I'm doing. I always do this. I feel like I need to do more. I should exercise and take better care of myself and then he'd be more inclined towards me and the kids. 

You know the hard part is. I know as sure as I'm typing this that as soon as he shows me the least bit of attention and I'm open to being receptive we'll be good to go again for a few weeks maybe even months. 

My tank will be filled up again and we start all over. I'm drained of love then get filled up again,etc... The problem lately is that the fills are running out faster because I feel like the connectedness is missing. We are just creatures of habit lately and can't really stand each other. 

On a lighter note. Maybe we just need a vacation! That's my solution for everything.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

"Do you know what happened putting you in a funk? Do you think you'd have found a way out of it on your own? "

Yes. But it is too long to go into. Found out through intense individual therapy. No, I wouldn't have found my way out on my own. I needed my wife to shake me up.

"I'd love him to ask me to go on a bike ride. I think I'd suffer extreme euphoria if he did that. Scary! "

My wife said these exact same things....at first. Now she says things like: "you can't make someone fall in love with you." It's just where we are in the process.

"To have him be here more isn't appealing to me right now. We don't see eye to eye and it's stressful. "

This is because you are living seperate lives. It will be tough to mix together now, and even more stressful at first!

"If my husband came home and said go do whatever! I'd feel lonely and not really know what to do." 

She never takes me up on it, but just it's nice to know the offer is on the table if she needs to calm her nerves.

Fact is, you deserve a man who helps you especially homeschooling. It takes so much out of you. You don't need another kid at home after work. Obviously, you are not ok with the status quo or you would not be here. Pray about how to approach him and do it. However, just know. The road is very HARD. You will want to QUIT. My wife wants to quit alot. Just push through, journal everything. (therapy) Work through the suppressed emotions and you will hopefully have a NEW marriage at the end. This old one has to die.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

"My tank will be filled up again and we start all over. I'm drained of love then get filled up again,etc... The problem lately is that the fills are running out faster because I feel like the connectedness is missing. We are just creatures of habit lately and can't really stand each other. "

And THERE you have it. My wife calls it "false hope". That I have let her down so many times she doesn't want to open up again. Well, here we are. 5 months in. Longest I ever made it before was 6 weeks.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

I was in a funk too! I wasn't that bad as above, but there were some days I just wanted to tune out. I also got bitter and resentful! Stress was high in my house too! With me, though, I was diagnosed with massive clinical depression. After one month of my happy pills, I couldn't believe the difference. I'm like a 'new' man, but I have to say I'm more like the real me now!

I now have fun with the kids. I go out all the time with my wife and can actually enjoy it! I entertain now! And it's me organizing the food and drinks when the friends come over.

I used to tune out with video games too, because it felt like an escape for me where I didn't have to think. Now, I can't play them anymore because it feels like I'm wasting my time in front of the tv when I should be out interacting with the real world! Strange stuff!

Kudos for you for wanting to work this out! My wife didn't, and fell into the EA trap. However, we are working through that particular issue as we speak, with success so far.

Not that I'm happy about the EA ( that's an entirely different story), but without that happening, I wouldn't have self reflected and found out how screwed up I was. Sometimes when we are at the brink of losing it all do we find the strength to change. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## eulb4demrahc (Feb 7, 2011)

Here's my thoughts today. Maybe I'm not at a place to take action yet.
1. I don't feel I can demand change in him when I feel myself lacking.
2. I need to be better about following my schedule, making meals at home and not eating out, exercising, and taking better care of my self and my appearance. Making more of an effort to not just look like the stay at home mom. 
3. It would just be really nice if we did things (exercise, activities) as a couple together. I'm just really sad and tired of being emotionally alone. 
I have talked with him about this before and it was just pushed off as me being really needy. So. I need to figure out how to be a better individual I guess.
I read books and it says to take care of your soul before you can help others. Find girlfriends to hang with. But I don't find emotional connection with girlfriends. I want to walk with my husband. I want to bike with my husband. I want to sit and watch tv talking with my husband. I want to be wanted by my husband. 
I want my husband to want to be in a bowling league with me. 

Have to run. Talk later!!


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

Why feel like you have to make yourself perfect before you can ask your husband to help you in improving the situation? It's all one big inter-connected circle and he doesn't get to be exempt from participating in the healing process (of the relationship, and of the family) just because everyone else isn't totally put together.

Sounds like you've let him off the hook for too many years. It also sounds like you have mixed feelings about having him more involved. You DO have to resolve that within yourself before asking him to participate more. If he's a grump when he's involved, I could see how it's a mixed bag. But if you are over-controlling when he's involved and he just feels like the extra wheel that's crashing on your and the children's party, well, I could see how he would get grumpy. He needs to feel like an essential part of the family's life. That's both on him and on you to make it happen.

There's the issue of the children too. This isn't just about your relationship with your husband, but about his relationship with his children. If you've been everything to them all these years, then it's both of your fault that his relationship with them is distant. While many men are proactive with childcare, many need to be nudged. Once they form that bond with their children and feel confident in their abilities to parent them, they take pride in it and feel that much more attached to the children.

You HAVE to get out of the way in order for him to do that. Tell him he has to take them skating (insert whatever activity) on such and such a Saturday (and on other weekends after that). Just him and the kids. Take that time to breathe. Yes, you'll feel lost with nothing but time for yourself on your hands. But it's important that you learn how to have that alone time, accept it and enjoy it. It's in a sense of your own independence and enjoyment of who you are that you will re-discover yourself as a woman apart from the title "mother" or "wife" or "chauffer" or "cook" or whatever other roles you have been fulfilling. That will be good for you ... and will be good for your marriage.

Don't let him sit around the house with the kids - that will be unproductive as they'll all stare at a screen. Send them out in to the world. Then step aside. Don't micromanage, don't criticize, don't jump in to console when they get at each other's throat a bit. It's bound to not go well on the first rounds and that's okay!!!! It's their relationship to sort out and your job right now is to force that time to happen. How it happens is beyond you and the more hands-off you are about it, the more they will be forced to work it out.

As for the two of you, get a babysitter for an evening or a weekend afternoon and go do something together. He'll ***** and moan about having to leave his video games behind, but just tell him it has to be done. And then make your effort to have a good time. Go biking, go for drinks, do something totally out of your routine and comfort zone (like going dancing!!). 

Right now, it doesn't have to be a big "I'm going to leave you if you don't change" talk, as it sounds like you haven't even tried milder approaches due to your ambivalence and complacency. Have you asked him straight out to come biking with you or to join you bowling?

Now, if he refuses all those things, THEN I would have a big talk about your unhappiness.

When was the last time you had a date together? When was the last time he and the kids went out to do something without mom around? (I mean, even sending him to the grocery store with a list and one of the kids would be good sometimes!) Have him take one kid at a time if all of them is too overwhelming.


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## eulb4demrahc (Feb 7, 2011)

Ms Lady.

Wow! You make me feel like I just had a major serious heart to heart with my sister. In combination with everyone's responses. I seriously feel much better. 

I have the strength to move forward with a plan. My plan is to stop whining. Plan a date night. Hey Valentine's is coming up so instead of doing nothing and complaining that he never does anything I'll plan a night out. 
Having him do something with the kids on the weekend will be a little harder but I'm thinking about what it will be and will make it happen. I do see light at the end of the tunnel sort of speak...

Thanks for all your responses. And I'll update to let ya'll know how it's going. 

Great advice!! I'm so glad I found this site!


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## eulb4demrahc (Feb 7, 2011)

Dedicated 2 her.
Rock On! Sounds like you are trying to be all for your wife.
Keep it up. I'm sure she appreciates all your efforts!


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