# Advice please..



## gardensphotosguitar (May 15, 2017)

Hi,

So, my wife told me yesterday she wants a break, which after her description today seems to be a separation. We have 2 girls, 5 and 2. I have been asking and trying to work on our marriage for 3/4 of a year now, but I only get more distance from her. I have never been through a situation like this before, and am just looking for advice to help me get through this process.

Thanks so much in advance.

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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

gardensphotosguitar said:


> Hi,
> 
> So, my wife told me yesterday she wants a break, which after her description today seems to be a separation. We have 2 girls, 5 and 2. I have been asking and trying to work on our marriage for 3/4 of a year now, but I only get more distance from her. I have never been through a situation like this before, and am just looking for advice to help me get through this process.
> 
> ...


Why she wants to separate? Has she told you? You know by "separate" she might means, you to be out of the house or her life
Maybe she's bored in you marriage or
Chances are she has her eyes on someone else or already being someone. You need to look for clues, like changes on her behavior, changes on her physical look, extra time for herself, changes in intercourse behavior, ect

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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Do some discreet sleuthing. When this happens it is almost always because another stallion has snuck into the paddock.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

gardensphotosguitar said:


> Hi,
> 
> So, my wife told me yesterday she wants a break, which after her description today seems to be a separation. We have 2 girls, 5 and 2. I have been asking and trying to work on our marriage for 3/4 of a year now, but I only get more distance from her. I have never been through a situation like this before, and am just looking for advice to help me get through this process.
> 
> ...


Like Bandit said already, more often than not the 'break' term means there's another man. I would not let on to anything, this is going to be the biggest acting job of your life but it's time to find out what's really going on. 2 separate questions that can help us help you.

1. First of all, leading up to the time where you said you were trying to work on your marriage for the last 9 months, why was that? Was it stuff she said, was it stuff you think you did, please don't hold back on what the issues were. This can be key on figuring out what's really wrong from that angle, a good backstory, one where you are completely honest will help us.

2. For figuring out if there's someone else. Is she on her phone a lot, is she on the computer a lot, does she work during the day? Helping us here figure out patterns can help you in your investigation. If she is on her phone and computer, etc. Does she lock it, is she secretive about that stuff?


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I am not saying an affair could not be taking place, but before jumping to conclusions, what else has been taking place up to this point?
Apparently you have know for a while that something wasn't right or why else would you have been trying to work things out for 3/4 of the year?
So, tell us more, please
In the mean time focus on yourself.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

The best example of what they are trying to tell you is this. 
Years ago I had a Gf that one night changed on me. While watching a movie she got a text and changed right before my eyes. I knew what was coming. Next morning was the I need space talk from her. When I asked why she said that I stayed to long at her house. Ok I thought you invited me to stay the few days that I was there. I didn't tell her that. I just got my things and headed out the door. Two days later I got a call from a friend saying that she was at the local mexican food place with her ex-bf. They had showed up and left in the same car. Three days later I got a drunk call from her needing a ride home from the bar. He dumped and left her there. I did go and check up on her as she got a ride from another friend. I had to carry her to her room as she couldn't walk well that night. She begged for me to stay but I just told her that I didn't want to outlive my welcome again and left her. 

If your wife's main concern is the marriage then she works on it as a team with you. If she wants space she means to work on it with someone else. You are not the plan A anymore.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Check your phone bill.


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## gardensphotosguitar (May 15, 2017)

Hi everyone,

I had another thread earlier on in the process that might explain things further..

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/showthread.php?t=401170

I have ruled out the other person thing from my 'research'. She is actually encouraging me to see other people, but said I don't have to worry about her because she has no interest in meeting other people. She's actually debating whether or not she even wants to be in a relationship period.

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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

gardensphotosguitar said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> I had another thread earlier on in the process that might explain things further..
> 
> ...


her telling you to date is essentially telling you she is dating already or at least has someone lined up. She will use your dating as an excuse to make it your fault.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Ok, on the other thread I said this:

I don't know about any of the cheating stuff, that I would even be concerned about any of this. But it does sound like your marriage is at a cross roads. She may in fact be at a point in her life where reality is hitting home and she is not interested in dealing with it. She might be feeling pinned down and trapped by two younger children and a marriage to a man who wants more than she is willing to give. The bottom line is that you cannot force some one else to compromise of they do not want to. It sounds like the two of you may not be as compatible as you both thought. So at this point the question for you is, can you accept your wife's thoughts on the matter and if not what does that mean for you? Then you need to discuss the reality with her. If this is something you cannot accept in your mind, and she is unwilling to compromise your choice is already made for you. Otherwise all you can do is work on it. 

I would repeat the same thing today but add, that at this point it appears she has made the decision for you. So what you need to do is start focusing on your self. Look at your self and decide what it is that you want out of life. Do not allow the "anchor" of this or any relationship determine how you would want to spend the rest of your days on earth.

In the other thread you admitted that you are somewhat needy and that she has even told you this. So, by your own admittance and verified by your wife this is the place to start. Why are you needy? What can YOU do about it? How can you change so that you are not needy any longer?

It probably is too late to salvage this relationship, but you can save yourself and establish the possibility of a better relationship in the future.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

gardensphotosguitar said:


> Hi,
> 
> So, my wife told me yesterday she wants a break, which after her description today seems to be a separation. We have 2 girls, 5 and 2. I have been asking and trying to work on our marriage for 3/4 of a year now, but I only get more distance from her. I have never been through a situation like this before, and am just looking for advice to help me get through this process.
> 
> ...


The only advice I could give is to tell her you respect her choice, but you aren't going to put your life on hold for her. Then immediately ask her to move out and file for divorce. That will either light a fire under her butt to try to work together on fixing the marriage or she'll say OK and allow the divorce. Either way, you'll know whether she was bluffing and what her true intentions were for your future as a couple. There's no point in kicking the can down the road waiting for her to figure things out when you can take immediate action and move on with your life...whether that is alone or with her.


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## gardensphotosguitar (May 15, 2017)

Ynot said:


> Ok, on the other thread I said this:
> 
> I don't know about any of the cheating stuff, that I would even be concerned about any of this. But it does sound like your marriage is at a cross roads. She may in fact be at a point in her life where reality is hitting home and she is not interested in dealing with it. She might be feeling pinned down and trapped by two younger children and a marriage to a man who wants more than she is willing to give. The bottom line is that you cannot force some one else to compromise of they do not want to. It sounds like the two of you may not be as compatible as you both thought. So at this point the question for you is, can you accept your wife's thoughts on the matter and if not what does that mean for you? Then you need to discuss the reality with her. If this is something you cannot accept in your mind, and she is unwilling to compromise your choice is already made for you. Otherwise all you can do is work on it.
> 
> ...


Thanks Ynot, that's great advice. I had already kind of started down that path a little before she decided she wanted this separation, so I'll keep it going and focus on myself. I appreciate the advice. 

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