# Afraid to look weak



## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

I have a thread here telling what happened to me in detail but to sum up i divorced my wife after 5 years of suffering. It's been a week since it's over and i only see myself getting worse. I want to cut ties with my ex completely but we have a 5 years old daughter. I wanted suggestions on how to do that without looking like i am suffering so much. I don't want to giver her the satisfaction. She'd hurt me too much already.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

The 180 list

NC... no unnecessary contact for anything except the children and finances. 

No More Mr Nice Guy

Best


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

What is your biggest struggle with her? Is it seeing her when you drop off and pick up your child? Or is it talking or texting about your child?

You are only at the very very beginning of this, so it's natural and NOT weak at all to be hurt and sad about your loss. The fact that she is perfectly fine with everything shows what a cold, detached, and unfit partner she is for you, which means you will have a much better future without her!

The link for "the 180" from the previous poster is great advice and direction for you!! It will help you feel strong right away!


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

LisaDiane said:


> What is your biggest struggle with her? Is it seeing her when you drop off and pick up your child? Or is it talking or texting about your child?
> 
> You are only at the very very beginning of this, so it's natural and NOT weak at all to be hurt and sad about your loss. The fact that she is perfectly fine with everything shows what a cold, detached, and unfit partner she is for you, which means you will have a much better future without her!
> 
> The link for "the 180" from the previous poster is great advice and direction for you!! It will help you feel strong right away!


Biggest problem is both. We're only in contact because of our daughter and the fact that we still have any kind of contact makes me feel Very anxious. 

The 180 have a Lot of things for people still married but somethings are useful. I'm already applying the no-contact rule the best o can and i already read "no more mr. Nice Guy" last year when she broke up with me. It helped me a Lot and i thought i could use that to improve our marriage but there was nothing left to improve. She only came back because she was afraid of being alone but now she has another man which also makes me feel worthless. We broke up on a Sunday and literally the next day she was with him. I Just want to move on.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

What caused your breakup?


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> What caused your breakup?











Divorce and daughter


Me and my wife started dating 7 years Ago. 4 years Ago we had a daughter. She was born with autism (until recently It was called asperger's syndrom). Since our daughter was borned our sex life declined and we were having It once a month or two. This went on for the past 4 years. I never cheated...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Dad84 said:


> Biggest problem is both. We're only in contact because of our daughter and the fact that we still have any kind of contact makes me feel Very anxious.
> 
> The 180 have a Lot of things for people still married but somethings are useful. I'm already applying the no-contact rule the best o can and i already read "no more mr. Nice Guy" last year when she broke up with me. *It helped me a Lot and i thought i could use that to improve our marriage* but there was nothing left to improve. She only came back because she was afraid of being alone but now she has another man which also makes me feel worthless. We broke up on a Sunday and literally the next day she was with him. I Just want to move on.


These suggestions are to improve *you*, not y/*our marriage. *

You must work at becoming an individual again, someone who is happy with themselves, not someone who is dependent on someone else to make them happy. In other words, who cares what she does, you don't need her or her approval.

Have you started the NMMNG exercises? 

Are you in counseling?

Are you regularly exercising?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Dad84 said:


> Biggest problem is both. We're only in contact because of our daughter and the fact that we still have any kind of contact makes me feel Very anxious.
> 
> The 180 have a Lot of things for people still married but somethings are useful. I'm already applying the no-contact rule the best o can and i already read "no more mr. Nice Guy" last year when she broke up with me. It helped me a Lot and i thought i could use that to improve our marriage but there was nothing left to improve. She only came back because she was afraid of being alone but now she has another man which also makes me feel worthless. We broke up on a Sunday and literally the next day she was with him. I Just want to move on.


The most important thing for you to remember is that your feelings of anxiousness and loss are only temporary...you WILL get over them and be relieved to be rid of her eventually, because you can do so much better!!

You are NOT worthless...SHE is!!!

Can you have someone else do the exchanges with your daughter? Can you make sure to only text or talk about important things for your daughter?

The 180 is to create DETACHMENT from a toxic partner for your benefit. It's not only for married people. It's a mindset of breaking away and being your own person, and keeping the toxic person from affecting you as much as possible.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Dad84 said:


> She only came back because she was afraid of being alone but now she has another man which also makes me feel worthless. Just want to move on.


I'll be blunt for your own good.
*You are the only one stopping yourself from moving on.*
The hard part is complete. The trash has already been taken out.
The only thing that matters now is you and your kid.
You have extracted yourself from the circus, and she is no longer your monkey.
Improve yourself. Be the person you always wanted to be.
Put yourself out there. New friends, new opportunities, even potentially, a new "Interest."
The more distance you put between the ex and yourself, the faster you will heal.
Post #2 is an excellent list. Fully utilize it.
The best revenge that you can mete out is for you to be happy and successful, with total indifference for her.
Be a good Dad, and take care of your kid. Put the focus on her, and live your best life.
The rest will take care of itself.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

LisaDiane said:


> The most important thing for you to remember is that your feelings of anxiousness and loss are only temporary...you WILL get over them and be relieved to be rid of her eventually, because you can do so much better!!
> 
> You are NOT worthless...SHE is!!!
> 
> ...


Unfortunately i do not have anyone to do this for me. I Will try my best not to express my feelings in any way. With time everything Will be better. For nowbi have to accept that what i am feeling is part of the process. Easier Said than done but there's no way around It.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

Tdbo said:


> I'll be blunt for your own good.
> *You are the only one stopping yourself from moving on.*
> The hard part is complete. The trash has already been taken out.
> The only thing that matters now is you and your kid.
> ...


Thank you for your words.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Dad84 said:


> Thank you for your words.


You are welcome.
Sometimes people need to hear a neutral perspective on things.
Think of all this as the reset and restart of the rest of your life.
Focus on yourself, the details, and do the work to get it right.
Your kid needs you. Your stability and happiness is a win/win for you both.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

@Dad84 , get mad, then get over it. 

Take this as an opportunity to change your life. 

Best


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## Jeffsmith35 (Apr 8, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> What caused your breakup?


OP's statement likely identifies the cause of their breakup:
"We broke up on a Sunday and literally the next day she was with him."


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Dad84 said:


> I have a thread here telling what happened to me in detail but to sum up i divorced my wife after 5 years of suffering. It's been a week since it's over and i only see myself getting worse. I want to cut ties with my ex completely but we have a 5 years old daughter. I wanted suggestions on how to do that without looking like i am suffering so much. I don't want to giver her the satisfaction. She'd hurt me too much already.


*No contact is up to you. *A friend of mine does well with his situation. He has 2 girls in grade school.
1. Limit communication to text or emails. Kids only. Keep it civil but short and to the point. 
2. pickup/dropoffs only take 2-3 minutes. You don’t need to chat.
3. All holidays, birthdays are kept separate. No time together.
4. If your x needs you to keep the child in case of issues on her end and you can thats fine. Expect your x to do the same. 
5. Never go into her home or allow the x into yours.
6. In most cases the x will want to play the friends game. This will be for her not you. 
Definition of friend is loyal, honest, trustworthy.

Moving onto a better life takes time. You won’t get there with needless contact. You can control that.
Children will adjust. Unfortunately there is so no better pat.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Dad84 said:


> Biggest problem is both. We're only in contact because of our daughter and the fact that we still have any kind of contact makes me feel Very anxious.
> 
> The 180 have a Lot of things for people still married but somethings are useful. I'm already applying the no-contact rule the best o can and i already read "no more mr. Nice Guy" last year when she broke up with me. It helped me a Lot and i thought i could use that to improve our marriage but there was nothing left to improve. She only came back because she was afraid of being alone but now she has another man which also makes me feel worthless. We broke up on a Sunday and literally the next day she was with him. I Just want to move on.


Minimize your interaction with your ex -- there are co-parenting apps that will let you do scheduling, coordination, etc. with NO actual talking or contact. PLUS it's documented (so if, for example, she blows off picking up your D a few times and asks you to cover, THAT can be used in later custody hearings).


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Dad84 said:


> Unfortunately i do not have anyone to do this for me. I Will try my best not to express my feelings in any way. With time everything Will be better. For nowbi have to accept that what i am feeling is part of the process. Easier Said than done but there's no way around It.


YOu can have exchanges done at places like police departments, etc. so that you absolutely minimize any discussions (as in NONE -- just a hand off happening....)


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

jlg07 said:


> YOu can have exchanges done at places like police departments, etc. so that you absolutely minimize any discussions (as in NONE -- just a hand off happening....)


A friend of mine does his exchanges at school or a halfway point like a certain store at the mall. Lots of options that should work for both of you.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

The exchanges are not the problem. The problem is being near her and our house because it hurts me. Now that she is with someone Else she is treating me with despise like she loathes me and It hurts. 8 years of being nothing but good, she is the one that hurt me and treats me like that. I keep myself together everytime but inside i'm crying. I hope this feeling goes away soon.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You share a child. You do not get the luxury of NC. Low contact focused solely on wrapping up any lose ends around your divorce & co-parenting are the only subjects you discuss. 

You feeling anxious when near her house is on you. Only you can address that stressor. How she is treating you is probably her way of enforcing boundaries & trying to keep things civil. Since that is much colder than the warm loving way she treated you when you were together it feel like she despises you when in truth it's just polite. In your vulnerable state it feels meaner. 

You need to flip the script & find silver linings. Your time with her brought you your daughter. You are now free to pursue happiness. You two are figuring out how to co-parent & you know you will do anything for your daughter. Better empowering self talk will help you


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

D0nnivain said:


> You share a child. You do not get the luxury of NC. Low contact focused solely on wrapping up any lose ends around your divorce & co-parenting are the only subjects you discuss.
> 
> You feeling anxious when near her house is on you. Only you can address that stressor. How she is treating you is probably her way of enforcing boundaries & trying to keep things civil. Since that is much colder than the warm loving way she treated you when you were together it feel like she despises you when in truth it's just polite. In your vulnerable state it feels meaner.
> 
> You need to flip the script & find silver linings. Your time with her brought you your daughter. You are now free to pursue happiness. You two are figuring out how to co-parent & you know you will do anything for your daughter. Better empowering self talk will help you


She is not trying to keep anything civil it's just the way she is. She is mad at me for not breaking up sooner because she didn't have the courage to do it or had something in mind to manipulate me. It's been years and years since she was warm and loving towards me, 5 years to be precise. I only stayed because i put family as a priority and we had a daughter. Now she wants me gone because she has someone else and is bothered by my presence. That hurts deeply because at this moment i can only remember the dreams, the plans and the few good moments we had. All shall pass although i am afraid to stay in this dark place mourning for years and i don't want that. I'm in therapy and have my mom as support. I Just want to get out of this Black hole.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Dad84 said:


> The exchanges are not the problem. The problem is being near her and our house because it hurts me. Now that she is with someone Else she is treating me with despise like she loathes me and It hurts. 8 years of being nothing but good, she is the one that hurt me and treats me like that. I keep myself together everytime but inside i'm crying. I hope this feeling goes away soon.


Cutting contact as much as you can is your only good path. It will take time. Nothing worthwhile happens without effort. Do some thinking. What are you really losing? From what you’ve posted. Not much. Use that as a perspective to move on.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Dad84 said:


> She is not trying to keep anything civil it's just the way she is. She is mad at me for not breaking up sooner because she didn't have the courage to do it or had something in mind to manipulate me. It's been years and years since she was warm and loving towards me, 5 years to be precise. I only stayed because i put family as a priority and we had a daughter. Now she wants me gone because she has someone else and is bothered by my presence. That hurts deeply because at this moment i can only remember the dreams, the plans and the few good moments we had. All shall pass although i am afraid to stay in this dark place mourning for years and i don't want that. I'm in therapy and have my mom as support. I Just want to get out of this Black hole.


I'm sure it does hurt but if that is the way she is, nothing you do will change her. Stop trying. 

You have a kid together. She doesn't get to have you gone. She needs to put on her big girl pants & figure out a way to civilly co-parent with you. I suggest you tell her that in those words. Explain you understand the romance is over & that she has someone else. You respect that but keep on being your little one's Dad. 

You will make new dreams. Just because your future isn't what you thought it would be doesn't mean you don't have one. It's just different. If you want to climb out of the black hole where you are, you will, with effort. Therapy is a great step. Keep it up. try making a Gratitude Journal. Each morning write 3 things you are grateful for. They don't have to be profound but they can be. Write 3 more each night. Try to make them different. I will share with you that my warm fluffy down comforter makes quite a few appearances on my list every winter.  Read the journal at least once per week. It helps.

My therapist used to tell me all the time "happiness is choice." I wanted to throw him out the window. He made it sound so easy. I was like it can't be that simple but it is. Try it. 

Meanwhile keep putting one foot in front of the other.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Look. You said she made your life miserable, etc. So what are you hurt about now? You should be glad to get away from that. What do you think laying in the victim’s chair is gonna get you?
The positives I see is you don’t have to be around her much. Any contact is up to you on your terms.
Life going forward should be better for you so……


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> Cutting contact as much as you can is your only good path. It will take time. Nothing worthwhile happens without effort. Do some thinking. What are you really losing? From what you’ve posted. Not much. Use that as a perspective to move on.


Yes. I have been thinking about that. Back in our First year i tried to end our relationship because she has some issues that were getting me off balance but she cried, told me she loved me and to stay. I stayed and wanted to help, she complied and started treatment but abandoned It. Months later i decided to end things again and It followed the same Pattern. Then when we were completing 2 years things were not good and i was not good but she turned her back on me. She was never really good to me i am trying to Focus on that. I believe in time she Will regret her decisions (she was also Very influenced by a **** of friend she has) but it's already too late. I see some guys here forgive when they're left for another and i am not judging but i am not like that.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Dad84 said:


> The exchanges are not the problem. The problem is being near her and our house because it hurts me. Now that she is with someone Else she is treating me with despise like she loathes me and It hurts. 8 years of being nothing but good, she is the one that hurt me and treats me like that. I keep myself together everytime but inside i'm crying. I hope this feeling goes away soon.


You realize that SHE is the crappy person -- so why would you expect her to NOT be crappy? SHE did this, not you. It is just her real lousy personality coming out. It should be more of a "taking off the blinders" instead of hurting you.
BUT you will get to that point eventually.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

The only way you are going to get away from this dark place is to *get a life* on your own, other than the one you had with her. Work, hobbies, regular physical exercise, good diet, arts, find new friends and social activities. Redefine yourself as an independent and improved man, not someone who is codependent on a partner. Wouldn't that be a goal worth achieving?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Dad84 said:


> She is not trying to keep anything civil it's just the way she is. She is mad at me for not breaking up sooner because she didn't have the courage to do it or had something in mind to manipulate me. It's been years and years since she was warm and loving towards me, 5 years to be precise. I only stayed because i put family as a priority and we had a daughter. Now she wants me gone because she has someone else and is bothered by my presence. That hurts deeply because at this moment i can only remember the dreams, the plans and the few good moments we had. All shall pass although i am afraid to stay in this dark place mourning for years and i don't want that. I'm in therapy and have my mom as support. I Just want to get out of this Black hole.


When she gives you crap just say, "You know what? Go F*CK yourself and talk to someone who cares. It's not me." There is no reason for you to accept her treating you badly anymore. You MAY have been willing to do that while married -- but it's not anything you need to worry about any more. YOU control that now.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Dad84 said:


> Yes. I have been thinking about that. Back in our First year i tried to end our relationship because she has some issues that were getting me off balance but she cried, told me she loved me and to stay. I stayed and wanted to help, she complied and started treatment but abandoned It. Months later i decided to end things again and It followed the same Pattern. Then when we were completing 2 years things were not good and i was not good but she turned her back on me. She was never really good to me i am trying to Focus on that. I believe in time she Will regret her decisions (she was also Very influenced by a **** of friend she has) but it's already too late. I see some guys here forgive when they're left for another and i am not judging but i am not like that.


Bud, never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Your instincts told you to get out. Staying was your choice. You made a bad one. Learn!!!

No good deed in these situations will go unpunished. You should be euphoric at getting out of this. Now you can have a life. I get you’ve got a daughter in the mix. You can only control your end. So concentrate on that.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

jlg07 said:


> When she gives you crap just say, "You know what? Go F*CK yourself and talk to someone who cares. It's not me." There is no reason for you to accept her treating you badly anymore. You MAY have been willing to do that while married -- but it's not anything you need to worry about any more. YOU control that now.


IMO you walk away. A discussion won’t get you a thing here. Learn to ignore.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Do not engage. Once she is insulting, argumentative, belittling, or cursing... conversation over!!! Walk away!!!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

anchorwatch said:


> Do not engage. Once she is insulting, argumentative, belittling, or cursing... conversation over!!! Walk away!!!


Exactly. That’s why you have two feet. 😎


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> Exactly. That’s why you have two feet. 😎


I know but she is not like that. She is cold, distant and won't even look me in the eyes so fighting is not an issue. I know she wasn't good to me but i feel guilty because her stepmother was abusive making her work on their house almost like a slave when she was young. She wanted a men that was a good provider so she wouldn't have to work so much and i was not that man. I could not win her admiration. It's all over now. I'll have to learn to forgive me on that point.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Dad84 said:


> I know but she is not like that. She is cold, distant and won't even look me in the eyes so fighting is not an issue. I know she wasn't good to me but i feel guilty because her stepmother was abusive making her work on their house almost like a slave when she was young. She wanted a men that was a good provider so she wouldn't have to work so much and i was not that man. I could not win her admiration. It's all over now. I'll have to learn to forgive me on that point.


Why let her problems and issues be yours? What is that getting you?
You cannot fix her. Right now you are your biggest problem so fix that.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> Why let her problems and issues be yours? What is that getting you?
> You cannot fix her. Right now you are your biggest problem so fix that.


I'm still blaming myself thinking that If i was more of Man i'd still have my family but i never thought of it from that perspective. That was very helpful. Thank you.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Dad84 said:


> I'm still blaming myself thinking that If i was more of Man i'd still have my family but i never thought of it from that perspective. That was very helpful. Thank you.


Bud, if you want to live in misery you will. This is up to you.
Maybe you should read “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover. Its a free pdf download and short.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Dad84 said:


> I'm still blaming myself thinking that If i was more of Man i'd still have my family but i never thought of it from that perspective. That was very helpful. Thank you.


By the flag I gather that you're Brazilian. Is amazing that coming from such macho culture you're acting more like if you come from England. Dude, time to get back your colhoes and stop acting like a teen that lost his first puppy love, and start acting like a man that has pride and self respect.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Dad84 said:


> The exchanges are not the problem. The problem is being near her and our house because it hurts me. Now that she is with someone Else she is treating me with despise like she loathes me and It hurts. 8 years of being nothing but good, she is the one that hurt me and treats me like that. I keep myself together everytime but inside i'm crying. I hope this feeling goes away soon.


I don't mean to sound cliche, but time does heal all wounds. Every single adult has been through this and hurt the same as you are now. Most have gone on to find a better life with someone else that treats them with respect. In a year or so, you'll look back on this with nothing but gratitude.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> Bud, if you want to live in misery you will. This is up to you.
> Maybe you should read “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover. Its a free pdf download and short.



Last year when we broke up i read the book and it helped me a great Deal. After we carne back together i thought It was my Second chance and made changes but she only came back because she was alone (she has an issue with being alone). But even with my changes there was nothing i could do because It was already too late. She came back out of fear not to try again which is something i reset.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

Rob_1 said:


> By the flag I gather that you're Brazilian. Is amazing that coming from such macho culture you're acting more like if you come from England. Dude, time to get back your colhoes and stop acting like a teen that lost his first puppy love, and start acting like a man that has pride and self respect.


Brazil does not have a macho cultura, It has a promiscuous one. When It comes to relationship people a Very likewise all around the world. What makes It different for every person is their background and personality. I was raised to believe i was worthless and my previous marriage was with a diagnosed psycopath that destroyed me but those are things i am treating in therapy.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Dad84 said:


> Brazil does not have a macho cultura, It has a promiscuous one. When It comes to relationship people a Very likewise all around the world. What makes It different for every person is their background and personality. I was raised to believe i was worthless and my previous marriage was with a diagnosed psycopath that destroyed me but those are things i am treating in therapy.


No one destroys you unless you let them. Right now this is about you. Until you get that in perspective you’ll just stay in your victim mode.

Your life for the most part is what you are going to make it.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

@Dad84, so here's the thing. You feel you can't win if you confront her. OK, then don't, but also DO NOT put up with her crap. If you won't confront, then just IGNORE her completely (that will really piss her off).
As for the fact that She feels that YOU should have provided 100% for her to sit back on her ass and not do anything -- do you realize how RARE that is? MOST couples have BOTH people working. You did not fail her -- SHE did.

I do have this to suggest -- forget HER -- focus on YOU. Get some new hobbies (or ones' you USED to have but gave up), get working out -- make sure you get plenty of sleep. Improve your wardrobe, your hairstyle, and GET OUT THERE. Use Meetup.com if you need to join groups of interest. DO NOT let HER define YOUR life. YOU define the life you want to live.


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## LivedThroughIt (12 mo ago)

Dad84 said:


> I have a thread here telling what happened to me in detail but to sum up i divorced my wife after 5 years of suffering. It's been a week since it's over and i only see myself getting worse. I want to cut ties with my ex completely but we have a 5 years old daughter. I wanted suggestions on how to do that without looking like i am suffering so much. I don't want to giver her the satisfaction. She'd hurt me too much already.


Went through a divorce years ago - did a lot of inner work and remarried someone who I am much more aligned with. There is definitely hope! A few things that helped me - 1- time is a healer- take care of yourself as much as possible and rediscover the things that bring you joy. 2- I’m a big fan of the no contact unless absolutely necessary rule- over time it helps you establish a new reference point for your life.3- Another good one but tough one is not allowing yourself to set your emotional compass on the actions/inactions/ thoughts etc of your x. Keep at it one day at a time and you can grow and become a better person bc of the experience. You can get through this and turn it into a positive.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> @Dad84, so here's the thing. You feel you can't win if you confront her. OK, then don't, but also DO NOT put up with her crap. If you won't confront, then just IGNORE her completely (that will really piss her off).
> As for the fact that She feels that YOU should have provided 100% for her to sit back on her ass and not do anything -- do you realize how RARE that is? MOST couples have BOTH people working. You did not fail her -- SHE did.
> 
> I do have this to suggest -- forget HER -- focus on YOU. Get some new hobbies (or ones' you USED to have but gave up), get working out -- make sure you get plenty of sleep. Improve your wardrobe, your hairstyle, and GET OUT THERE. Use Meetup.com if you need to join groups of interest. DO NOT let HER define YOUR life. YOU define the life you want to live.


Yes. I start working out tomorrow even though i Don't feel like It because It was something i enjoyed doing so with time i Will improve. Therapy also helping. Thanks for the input.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Find a plan to do something to get your mind on that improves your life greatly, and REQUIRES constant focus. Learning a trade, getting a new certification, going back to school, building something you always wanted, Restoring a car, remodeling your home,……..
Something. Time is the only thing that fixes it. You were happy before you met her, no reason you can’t be again. If you weren’t before you met her—- that’s the problem that led to this along with your cheating wife. Nobody finds a man the day after they break up. He was already with her,you just didn’t know . 
She’s horrible. You’ve been given a gift, keep that in mind until you are able to see it for yourself. It hurts. But so does getting a tumor cut out. Gotta be some pain before you heal. What you’ve been through, getting this parasitic life leech removed— it naturally takes a while to heal from. Hang in there buddy! We all have been there. It’s like going down a long tunnel that has a submarine door at the end of it. You can’t see a hint of light until you make it to the end and open the door and realize the sun has been out all day, you just didn’t know it because you were still under the mountain.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> Find a plan to do something to get your mind on that improves your life greatly, and REQUIRES constant focus. Learning a trade, getting a new certification, going back to school, building something you always wanted, Restoring a car, remodeling your home,……..
> Something. Time is the only thing that fixes it. You were happy before you met her, no reason you can’t be again. If you weren’t before you met her—- that’s the problem that led to this along with your cheating wife. Nobody finds a man the day after they break up. He was already with her,you just didn’t know .
> She’s horrible. You’ve been given a gift, keep that in mind until you are able to see it for yourself. It hurts. But so does getting a tumor cut out. Gotta be some pain before you heal. What you’ve been through, getting this parasitic life leech removed— it naturally takes a while to heal from. Hang in there buddy! We all have been there. It’s like going down a long tunnel that has a submarine door at the end of it. You can’t see a hint of light until you make it to the end and open the door and realize the sun has been out all day, you just didn’t know it because you were still under the mountain.


I know what i have to do but right now i still love her and can't shake this feeling that i want her back i want to fight for our family. I know it's over and believe me i'm not coming back but my heart is making It difficult. I tried to Focus on what she did to me. Anxiety is off the roof but like you Said i was happy before her and i Will be again.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Dad84 said:


> Brazil does not have a macho cultura, It has a promiscuous one. When It comes to relationship people a Very likewise all around the world. What makes It different for every person is their background and personality. I was raised to believe i was worthless and my previous marriage was with a diagnosed psycopath that destroyed me but those are things i am treating in therapy.


LOL dude.You really have a skewed view of things. I work at a company owned by Brazilians, and I was showing your statement to all the brazilian females here, They were laughing at your statement.
One of them ask me to ask you to check the femicide percentage in Brazilian society due to the high percentage of machismo in your culture. Not that I already didn't know that, because I did, and that's why I made the statement that I was surprised about your weak character as a male in a society that is very so macho.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

*Dad84*

She's a gold-digger. No matter how much money you had or gave her, she would still leave if somebody offered more. She's not a good person. It doesn't matter that her step-mother was awful. That doesn't give her the right to be awful. Many people overcome & are still kind. She's not one of them. 

Telling her off may feel good in the moment but make sure your child doesn't hear you badmouth mommy. Be the better person. By being a great dad you are not only fighting for your family, you are winning. You are teaching your child strength, forgiveness, resilliance & kindness. You still have your child. She still gave you that child. What you don't have his her sorry @$$ to support. You win!


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

Rob_1 said:


> LOL dude.You really have a skewed view of things. I work at a company owned by Brazilians, and I was showing your statement to all the brazilian females here, They were laughing at your statement.
> One of them ask me to ask you to check the femicide percentage in Brazilian society due to the high percentage of machismo in your culture. Not that I already didn't know that, because I did, and that's why I made the statement that I was surprised about your weak character as a male in a society that is very so macho.


Machismo is different from being macho. Macho in our culture, as in many others is the traditional view of what masculinity is. Machismo is to have prejudice against women. Maybe you're taking a stance of tough truth, i don't know, but i know now exactly what my issues are and where they come from. You and your friends do not have any Idea what i've been through and the abuses i have faced in my life to get to where i am. If i had put a bullet in my head years ago no one would be surprised they would suffer and understand why i did It. That is why i do not see me as weak in any way because If i were i'd be dead inside a coffin or at her feet begging to have me back. Instead, i made my mind that is over. I am suffering a great deal over the loss of my family and how this whole thing can affect my daughter and that is why i am here sharing my feelings, being vulnerable and since you are too it means you suffered something as well so you should not be so judgemental. As to your friends having a few laughs at my expense It says more about them than me.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Dad84 said:


> Machismo is different from being macho. Macho in our culture, as in many others is the traditional view of what masculinity is. Machismo is to have prejudice against women. Maybe you're taking a stance of tough truth, i don't know, but i know now exactly what my issues are and where they come from. *You and your friends do not have any Idea what i've been through* and the abuses i have faced in my life to get to where i am. If i had put a bullet in my head years ago no one would be surprised they would suffer and understand why i did It. That is why i do not see me as weak in any way because If i were i'd be dead inside a coffin or at her feet begging to have me back. Instead, i made my mind that is over. I am suffering a great deal over the loss of my family and how this whole thing can affect my daughter and that is why i am here sharing my feelings, being vulnerable and since you are too it means you suffered something as well so you should not be so judgemental.* As to your friends having a few laughs at my expense It says more about them than me.*


I do not claim neither pretend to know what you have been through. I made the claim the you come across as weak, because that's what you are portraying here with your statements. As to my friends laughing about you? did you read what I wrote: 



Rob_1 said:


> *They were laughing at your statement.*


That's right, they were laughing at your statement that machismo does not exist in Brazil. THEY WERE NOT LAUGHING AT YOU. To be honest I would take any time their opinion as valid rather than yours. There's sufficient data that you can research that demonstrate what women have to suffer at the hand of men in Brazil. Like I previously said: read about femicide in Brazil.

And good luck with overcoming your pain over the loss of your family and how it can affect your daughter. You need to get strong here FOR HER SAKE.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

Rob_1 said:


> I do not claim neither pretend to know what you have been through. I made the claim the you come across as weak, because that's what you are portraying here with your statements. As to my friends laughing about you? did you read what I wrote:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I could argue further and break that data to show a variety of different cases but that is not why i'm here for.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Dad84 said:


> I know what i have to do but right now i still love her and can't shake this feeling that i want her back i want to fight for our family. I know it's over and believe me i'm not coming back but my heart is making It difficult. I tried to Focus on what she did to me. Anxiety is off the roof but like you Said i was happy before her and i Will be again.


There is nothing to fight for. A marriage takes two. Drop the hopium pipe or linger.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

“Fake it til you make it.” You will feel pain and sadness, you just have to hide it from her. You can do it, and it will make you stronger. Focus on yourself, find things to take up your time and attention so you don’t wallow. Pretty soon you’ll find you’re having to fake it less and less. It’s not easy, but you will survive this and be better for it in the end.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Time, no contact will get you where you need to be. I get you love her but that won’t get you much. Your love obvious means nothing to her.
Many fall into the trap. I love her so she must love me too. Nope, her actions tell you that.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> Time, no contact will get you where you need to be.


This is very true but they share a child. He doesn't get the luxury of NC. He has to find a path to be OK with his baby mamma no matter what because he needs to stay in contact with his child & be the parent.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

D0nnivain said:


> This is very true but they share a child. He doesn't get the luxury of NC. He has to find a path to be OK with his baby mamma no matter what because he needs to stay in contact with his child & be the parent.


Not true at all. I know two people in similar situations with younger kids that run a great no contact.
You just limit communication to text or email, kids only. Ignore anything else. Pickups/drop offs can take just a couple minutes. All holidays, birthdays are separate. Zero shared time. Civil but distant. The kids adjust and there is no conflict as a result. They say it works great and is the best thing under the circumstances.
Read up on grey rocking. It works.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> Not true at all. I know two people in similar situations with younger kids that run a great no contact.
> *You just limit communication* to text or email, kids only. Ignore anything else. Pickups/drop offs can take just a couple minutes. All holidays, birthdays are separate. Zero shared time. Civil but distant. The kids adjust and there is no conflict as a result. They say it works great and is the best thing under the circumstances.
> Read up on grey rocking. It works.


I think we are having a terminology issue. I wholeheartedly support limited contact where they only talk about what is best for the kids. 

But talking about the kids is still talking. It is not NO Contact. It is some contact. Civil but distant is the goal but some engagement remains. 

IMHO, NC means absolutely NO contact. . . you never speak to the person again ever; you don't call; you don't text; you don't wish happy birthday; you disconnect on social media (possibly block just so you don't have to see the other person's posts even through mutual friends). If you randomly bump into them while out & about, they get a tight lipped half smile (very unfriendly) & a curt nod of the head in acknowledgement, then you cross the street, move along or just disengage. You completely erase them from your life, like they never existed. That is not possible when you share children. 

I'm not sure what grey rocking is. I Googled it & it seems like it might be able to help the OP. Might as well give it a try but again is not NO contact. It's managing toxic people but there is some limited & sporadic interaction while protecting yourself.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The no contact I’m referring to is outlined in my previous post. It works. It’s great for avoiding conflict. 
Anything referring to kids can be done by text or email. You really don’t need to chat or get together.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

When someone tells you and shows you they no longer want you around you should give them what they want. Most often they want it on their terms for their benefit.
You like most will probably get the “let’s be friends” spiel. This will be for her not you.
Definition of friend=loyal, honest, trustworthy.
You may also hear “do it for the kids” when the fact is they never thought a thing about the kids as she blew their life up.
This is about getting you in a place where you can move on and forge your own way. You will not effectively move on with an x in the mix. Your family now is you and your kids. Yes, it’s a big adjustment but it’s not like you have much of a choice.
Your life and that of your kids is totally up to you. No one else gets a say in that.
You can either move on or keep yourself shackled.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

This is a link to a friend of mines journey in dealing with divorce, etc.








Getting out of limbo.


@ 5 years ago a guy asked me if he could call me. His wife wanted a separation and had moved out. Sure enough once he checked the phone bill it was her boss. They had 2 young kids. Always check the phone bill! He was in shock like most upfront. Wondering how he could save his marriage, etc. I...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Dad84 said:


> I have a thread here telling what happened to me in detail but to sum up i divorced my wife after 5 years of suffering. It's been a week since it's over and i only see myself getting worse. I want to cut ties with my ex completely but we have a 5 years old daughter. I wanted suggestions on how to do that without looking like i am suffering so much. I don't want to giver her the satisfaction. She'd hurt me too much already.


If she is the kind of person who will make unnecessary calls to you as you share custody of your child, you can take that to your attorney and before a judge and try to get them to rule that all contact must be through a email site for parents sharing custody. You can Google that and see there are a few of them. These sites keep your emails where they can be legally used in court if necessary. So if someone is needlessly contacting you and keeping you upset and fighting with you or making threats or whatever, they can get in trouble. 

You can get them to mandate that contact must be limited to this email site except on the occasion of a medical child emergency. And that communications must strictly be about the child. 

If seeing her during the weekly exchanges is upsetting and you don't just both stay in your cars and keep your mouths shut during drop off, you can have the judge mandate that someone else does this, but of course that runs into some logistics or having to pay an intermediary to do so. You should just get an agreement not to converse during drop off.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I wanted to just add one other piece of advice. Don't let your current vulnerable state influence you making any decisions that give you less time with your child. That is something you will come to regret. 

Right now you are at your weakest as I expect we all are right after a nasty ordeal. I expect your confidence is low and you feel very vulnerable and easily triggered. You are likely still worried about what she thinks about what you do and how you act still out of habit. 

Please keep this goal in mind. The goal is to get to the point where you no longer care at all what she thinks about how you act or whether you're weak or strong or successful or unsuccessful. It's a goal to work toward. You no longer have to care about that with her. Once you accept that it can be very freeing.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

I have decided to cut contact with my ex since It was hurting me too much. My mother Will mediate things for a while. I do not care If she knows i'm having a hard time anymore. I Will Just pickup or drop off my daughter at home. Yesterday she came by to grab a swimsuit for our daughter. She tried to open the door to let herself in but It was locked. I opened and she went through saying she needed to apply some lotion on our daughter and dress her with the swimsuit. She then proceeded to charge her phone to get an Uber. All the time she was acting like nothing happened at all, like she didn't screwed me over. It was too much for me. Later i sent her a message telling not to enter the house anymore and that i was cutting contact. I blocked her on my phone. She hasnt sent any messages to my mother yet but will be forced to If she wants to see our daughter.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Bud, she acts like everything is ok because you are meaningless to her. 
What you’ve just witnessed is contact just resets the clock. 
Hopefully you’ll learn. Contact is up to you.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> Bud, she acts like everything is ok because you are meaningless to her.
> What you’ve just witnessed is contact just resets the clock.
> Hopefully you’ll learn. Contact is up to you.


Tough truth to admit but that's basically it. All her past behaviours prove it. I meant nothing for her for a long time.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The biggest step is realizing where you’re at. Many live in denial and keep themselves bound in limbo.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> The biggest step is realizing where you’re at. Many live in denial and keep themselves bound in limbo.


I have a friend whose wife made him expend 50k renovating their apartament and then he found out that she was cheating on him and planning to kick him out to live with the other Guy. It's been 3 years and he still haven't moved on. He says she comes to mind everyday and he finds himself cursing her. He made changes in his life out of spite and to provoke his ex. 

That is not what i want for me. I'm doing therapy 2x a week and psychiatry once a month for my prescriptions. I want to move on. I know It takes time but i'm afraid to end up like my friend because right now It hurts too damn much. I want to know what is like to be happy again, to feel loved. It's been 10 years since i started suffering with depression. I am done, exhausted, lethargic. I don't want to feel like this ever again and i Will do whatever It takes, take whatever meds i have to just to get better. I Just want to get better.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Dad84 said:


> I have a friend whose wife made him expend 50k renovating their apartament and then he found out that she was cheating on him and planning to kick him out to live with the other Guy. It's been 3 years and he still haven't moved on. He says she comes to mind everyday and he finds himself cursing her. He made changes in his life out of spite and to provoke his ex.
> 
> That is not what i want for me. I'm doing therapy 2x a week and psychiatry once a month for my prescriptions. I want to move on. I know It takes time but i'm afraid to end up like my friend because right now It hurts too damn much. I want to know what is like to be happy again, to feel loved. It's been 10 years since i started suffering with depression. I am done, exhausted, lethargic. I don't want to feel like this ever again and i Will do whatever It takes, take whatever meds i have to just to get better. I Just want to get better.


What you do with your life is really up to you.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> What you do with your life is really up to you.


What's your story? I really thank you for the support through your messages but i am curious of How you came about TAM. Sorry If i am being invasive


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

My bother went through a nasty divorce but ended up getting custody Of his kids. Unheard of at the time.
My sister was a wayward. A couple of friends of mine have had to deal with infidelity. 
Ive managed as many as 750 people over multiple departments.
Most of the time this crap follows the same script. Some think it’s a special circumstance but it’s not. Same pattern just different names, etc.
Blame shifting, gaslighting is just BS. 
The thing I know is anyone can run their life if they want too. In order to do that you have to cut the cancers out of it. Your fate is in your hands.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Staying in these situations is a choice.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> Staying in these situations is a choice.


Indeed It is but not as simple. You know what you have to do but sometimes the pain is just too strong. Some people give up and take their lives, some people choose to stay in an unhealthy relationship because It won't hurt as much, some people stay in limbo 'cos they can't move on, etc. I understand them all, i've been through all of those things (luckily failed to kill myself) and after losing 10 years of my life i had enough. In my heart i want her back but If we were together i'd feel disgusted. I made my choice to move on. It was the hardest i ever had to make. I am a mess now but eventually i'll be okay. I come here often for reassurance because It helps and for that i am grateful i really am. I know i'll get back here telling how much better i got and hopefully someone Will read this for reassurance as well. Thanks again.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Dad84 said:


> Indeed It is but not as simple. You know what you have to do but sometimes the pain is just too strong. Some people give up and take their lives, some people choose to stay in an unhealthy relationship because It won't hurt as much, some people stay in limbo 'cos they can't move on, etc. I understand them all, i've been through all of those things (luckily failed to kill myself) and after losing 10 years of my life i had enough. In my heart i want her back but If we were together i'd feel disgusted. I made my choice to move on. It was the hardest i ever had to make. I am a mess now but eventually i'll be okay. I come here often for reassurance because It helps and for that i am grateful i really am. I know i'll get back here telling how much better i got and hopefully someone Will read this for reassurance as well. Thanks again.


I get it but you either make a decision for your own well being or you keep yourself stuck. No one has that power over you.
Not making a decision is easy. You have to take what comes with that though.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Dad84 said:


> I have decided to cut contact with my ex since It was hurting me too much. My mother Will mediate things for a while. I do not care If she knows i'm having a hard time anymore. I Will Just pickup or drop off my daughter at home. Yesterday she came by to grab a swimsuit for our daughter. She tried to open the door to let herself in but It was locked. I opened and she went through saying she needed to apply some lotion on our daughter and dress her with the swimsuit. She then proceeded to charge her phone to get an Uber. All the time she was acting like nothing happened at all, like she didn't screwed me over. It was too much for me. Later i sent her a message telling not to enter the house anymore and that i was cutting contact. I blocked her on my phone. She hasnt sent any messages to my mother yet but will be forced to If she wants to see our daughter.


Good for you.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Once you start taking the first rights steps out of this you like most will find it gets easier and you’ll probably look back and shake your head at why you didn’t start sooner. Living in fear or being a martyr only gets you more of the same. 
You will probably also discover that you were your own worst enemy. 
It can be an enlightening experience and one for the better. You are the one that has to take that first step. The Calvary isn’t coming to save you. You have to do it. 
What has your past shown you? If you do nothing you’ll get nowhere.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

I have taken my First steps but when she came by and pretty much let herself in the house, like you Said, It resets the clock. I went back to being overly anxious, refusing to eat (Just don't feel hungry), lacking at work and lethargic. Today she entered the ****ing house again to drop off my daughter After i Said not to do It because my daughter couldn't carry her bag up the stairs. I do not care, leave the bag wherever Just don't open the gate and come in (It was unlocked this time). Luckily i wasn't at home. Now It Will stay locked at all times.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

It’s not going to iron itself out immediately and you will have problems to resolve.
Strength is a mindset. Once you attain that there be less effect on you.
If it were me I’d push that divorce through as fast as possible. She probably likes pushing your buttons because you are vulnerable and she knows it. Stop with the “you hurt me” scenario. It makes you look weak. You are hurting yourself more than she is.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

I do not care If It makes me look weak. I believe you were right when you Said that she acts like nothing is happening because i am meaningless to her. It made complete sense so i don't bother what she thinks anymore. I am interested in me, in having the least amount of contact as i possibly can so that hurt Will fade. Thanks again. Hope you're having a good day.


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