# Don't know how to move forward



## crazygirl14 (Feb 15, 2013)

I've got no where else to turn to talk about my problems and hoping to get some different perspective.

It started the weekend before new years and my husband was going out with his friend and he was going to set him up with his co-worker. Long story short my husband didn't get home till 2am and was walking home because they all went to park she got arrested for outstanding warrant and the other guy stayed with her. That morning I was in shock because he's never that late so I'm checking phone records and I see texts made to her number 30+ a day..At this point I can't focus. I confront my spouse and he says their just friends. They talk about family, friends, work and anything else..He apologized for being out late but his friend and her were hitting it off..He said he apologized for all the texting but that's how she communicates w/everyone. He did cut down on texts. She came over for super bowl because another friend of his was here she supposedly liked and vice versa..Of course now she doesn't like him..A couple weeks later a bunch of us meet at a bar to hang out and she wore these tight pants and of course all the guys were starring at her ...My husband then text her at 10:45 "nice pants" and again 11:21 "your easy"..I know this because I read the texts..Mind you my spouse had a lot to drink(not excusing what he did) Next morning I wrote him a letter saying it has to stop or I want a divorce. He stopped.
Our history: We've been married 13yrs 3kids..We haven't slept in same bed because our 2 little ones want each of us but after this whole fiasco things changed. We sleep in same bed and talk every night before we go to sleep. Our intimacy relationship was never an issue but now that we sleep in the same bed it's even better. My spouse is a very likable person he"ll talk to anyone and makes friends easy. Everyone flocks to him to talk about anything. He's told me with her she likes a guy at their work but guy has girlfriend and so she just hangs out w/her brother or friends. She's 26 and attractive..Should I still be concerned?


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Yes. It is inappropriate for a married man to be hanging out with a 26 year old single co-worker. His friends can find their own dates. His comments about her pants were inappropriate. He should be investing his time/texting/chatting with you NOT her. Listen to your instincts. 

He should have no problem letting you see his phone/texts. If they are deleted, well that's what we call a red flag. There shouldn't be privacy in a marriage - except in the bathroom. If he won't show you his texts to her, well that's secrecy - and that's bad. I recommend that you read some threads on CWI, and also suggest reading "Not Just Friends".


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

I get the gist of your story. But its a bit all choppy. I get your upset.

1. Is there anything dirty in these text messages. Are they talking about hooking up or fvcking ? 

2. Honestly I'm a friendly guy myself but even my Soon to be Ex wife said men and women cannot be friends outside of marriage unless one of them is gay or a relative. I agree with this and don't think your husband needs to be that friendly with her. He should understand COMPLETELY no if, ands, or buts..

3. Off the track a bit. But are you saying that the kids sleep with you guys ? If so I don't need to tell you that is a BIG NO,NO.... You need to have the kids in their own beds period.. And they need to go to bed at a reasonable time so you and your husband can have some alone time.

4. Talk to her tell her your uncomfortable how you feel about the conversations. But again you didn't express anything sexual in nature between them.

5. I do agree 30+ is getting into the realm of emotional affair waiting to happen or happening. He might be deleting the dirty stuff.

6. Like you did with the letter, NO bull$****. Its either me or her and GTFO.. Trust me when I tell you, you MUST BE STRONG. Any signs of weakness and your done. No begging, no crying. TRUST ME. Read my story in my link to see how I screwed up to understand why you need to be tough.

More will come along with some better info. But honestly you found the right place to get info. If I would have listened to people here sooner I would have probably saved my marriage.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

I disagree about talking to her, if she has her eye on your man then talking to her gives her the upper hand. 

Another book I suggest reading is "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Harley.


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## crazygirl14 (Feb 15, 2013)

After the 1st text issue he showed me text messages. Since the last text episode he stopped completely. He says our marriage and children are more important to him than her..Always tells me over and over again their friends. Nothing more. 
Our children in the past slept w/us but no more..I know we've got to have that time together.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Hindsight Aunt Ava is right.

Marriage counseling ? 

I have issues with the statement his marriage is more important then him and her. I might be reading too much into it, but what does that mean him and her. If she was nothing to him then it would be her. 

Since you don't have much ATM it is hard to push him when all he will do is deny anything happen. Sometimes MC will help come clean.

You want to know the truth regardless of how bad it might be and then start from there. Otherwise something else will creep up and if they ever did have something physical it will just hurt you again. So best be hurt once and start fresh.


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## crazygirl14 (Feb 15, 2013)

He means his friendship with her..I've thought about bringing up the idea of MC but finding time is very hard. He works 2 jobs so I can stay home with our girls. He's got 2 nights off but already full with kids functions. I'm still going to make the suggestion.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

It is possible he has no feelings for her BUT HE IS IN STEP 1 of an affair at a minimum. There are TONS of threads that end up in full blown fvckfests that started out as harmless texting.

Reread Hardtohandle that advice is DEAD ON.

I see a red flag not mentioned. Your husband says she is into his friend... Yet you find out she is not into that friend...

The whole park thing makes zero sense. (As in sex in the park??) get a police report on that. I believe those are public records.

With given info I would say PA 20% chance EA 49.9999% chance. He may have gone underground. Do your due diligence and do not confront unless you get something new and concrete. NEVER reveal your sources.

Sorry you are here.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

crazygirl14 said:


> so I'm checking phone records and I see texts made to her number 30+ a day.
> 
> She came over for super bowl because another friend of his was here she supposedly liked and vice versa..Of course now she doesn't like him.
> 
> ...


Yes, you should be concerned. There is not a man alive who can run fast enough to get away when a 26-year-old hottie is chasing him. I exaggerate, but really, if she keeps pursuing, there's a good chance she eventually catch him.

You do realize SHE is pursuing HIM, right? And he is flattered she laughs at all his jokes and gives him some level of adoration. It's hard to not like someone who lets you know, either through words or actions, how great you are. Especially when they're 26 and hot.

You do realize that women like men who can make them laugh, right?

You realize she may be at an age where she feels like settling down and your husband has a good track record of taking care of and providing for a wife and family, right? She would like to replace you.

Why is your husband in charge of her romantic life? Why is she talking about who she "likes" and who she doesn't "like" with your husband? Do you think she ever tells your husband, "if only I could meet someone like you!"

She may "like" some of these guys she dates, but she "like likes" your husband.

My advice, sit down and discuss this with your husband, including why a married father of three is so involved with a 26-year-old single hottie's dating and sex life. How she is building his ego and trying to get him. How you love him and feel this is inappropriate.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Read "not just friends", and yes you should be concerned/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You should spyware his phone.


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## boogie110 (Aug 3, 2012)

Gosh. Sorry he is DOING THIS TO YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hope you really hear this. HE IS DOING THIS TO YOU. You are correct - your gut feelings are correct. Glad you came here. This is one time I can really say - someone came here in time..

Now you must be vigilant.

An outstanding warrant??? WHAT???

Going on a date with her and a guy???? WHAT? NAH, SORRY DON'T BUY IT.

You have kiddos and he is going out with the guys and leaving you at home with the kiddos with a girl in hot pants???? WHAT? Am I really hearing you letting him do all this?


GIRL, GIRL, GIRL. I'm sorry, it almost seems like you feel you deserve this or something. I mean, what is going on here, Crazygirl? Do you feel that just because he works 2 jobs that he deserves to go out with the "guys" and a girl because he is just such a good father and husband? Do you feel that just because you stay at home and TAKE CARE OF THOSE CHILDREN OF HIS, that he deserves to text and have an affair (of some kind at the very least) with a hot girl at work?

A GOOD HUSBAND DOES NOT DO THAT.

A GOOD FATHER DOES NOT DO THAT.

A GOOD FATHER ACCEPTS HIS responsibility of deciding to have kiddos and wife and is happy to do so and is home every night and every moment from work and spending time with you and them and putting effort into home life and not giving a $hit about the hot girl or dating partners of co-workers....Uggh, here.

And I'd ramp up the sex.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

crazygirl14, this is very simple. It's going somewhere bad if you don't stop it which you seem to already know. The simple part is that *NC (NO CONTACT) is required*.

It's not optional if you want your marriage to be safe. *NC has to be part of "stop it or divorce"*. No questions, no compromise.


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## crazygirl14 (Feb 15, 2013)

We had a long heart to heart talk last night. I told him that I do appreciate him not texting since the last issue but I need it to stay like this forever. I explained the line was crossed one to many times and no more. I explained about ea and that in his mind he may think of her as either lil sis/friend but a bond was growing. I also recommended mc and I'll say I think the wording I used really opened his eyes. He agreed and wil not text no more. He says he loves me and our girls and doesn't want to jepordize any of that..I know they'll pass each other at work but he's going to tell her they can't talk no more..I'll be able to confirm this because my father, brother n law and very close friend work with my husband. I appreciate all of your fedback because it helped me say the right things to him.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Not just friends by Shirley Glass is only $10. It's highly recommended on this subject.

Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity: Shirley P. Glass, Jean Coppock Staeheli: 9780743225502: Amazon.com: Books


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