# Newlywed - to a man I think has BPD.



## Second_of_Ten (Apr 5, 2010)

First - my history:

I was married at the age of 19 to a man who struggled with his sexual orientation and took it out on me and our four children by violent anger, mood swings, verbal, emotional and physical abuse. I ended the marriage after 5 years of therapy. We had been married for 24 years. The children from that marriage are now 17, 19, 23 and 25. I have two grand children.

I am the CEO of my own scrapbooking and paper crafting business.

After my first marriage failed, I moved about fifty miles away. At the end of the first year after my divorce, I met and married my dentist. My second marriage ended when I discovered he had daughters. These daughters had been sexually abused by him. He had only revealed to me that he had two sons.

I moved again, to another state. 

I then met and fell in love, taking a lot of time to date a lot of people, and then, married for a third time.

Our relationship was great until the day his son came home from boot camp. My husband is constantly, daily, going through severe mood swings. He is angry one minute, and then depressed, and then five or ten minutes later, he is giggling, dancing, and talking like a little child.

Through out the day, he often lays on the couch in the living room and puts his hands inside his underwear. He says he does this to "calm down". 

Before his son came home from Boot Camp, none of these behaviors were present.

We have been married four months. He gets upset over the smallest things. For example - after buying a brand new home, he began to file complaints and request that the builder come and make repairs to the house. Some of the things were important, like the door knob that would not engage, and the back door would swing open in the wind. But other things were far beyond the scope of necessary repairs. One evening, I arrived home from work to find hundreds of pieces of blue masking tape stuck on the walls, door trim, baseboards, and cabinets. He said that he had spent hours that day marking the flaws in the paint. He was ecstatic that he had "found" more flaws and that he was not going to let the builder get away with such poor workmanship. I looked at each place he had marked with tape and found nothing. After a week went by, I began to remove the tape, little by little, wanting to see if he would even notice. He didn't. The builder came one day, to look at the areas marked with tape. Only a few pieces of tape were still on the walls. My husband was furious at that point and wanted to know where all the tape had gone. He ran his hands over the walls, hoping to 'feel' for the flaws he had marked with tape. The builder gave him directions on how to touch up the paint when he found the flaws again, and left him with a gallon of fresh paint.

Many things like this happen daily. I am at my wits end. When I confront the behavior, I try to remain calm and loving, instead, he denies the behavior and yells at me, raising his voice and screaming that he wants a divorce. 

Three weeks ago, he got angry when I asked him to help me re-arrange the furniture - moving my office from the basement to the upstairs guest room. His other son- age 25 will be moving in soon, as he has graduated from college and is waiting to go to another university for post graduate work. We both agreed to move the furniture upstairs. When I asked for his advice on how to arrange the furniture in a much smaller room, he became absolutely enraged. We were driving to the store. All the way there, he screamed and drove wrecklessly. I climbed into the back seat of the car, afraid we would crash, or that he would hit me.

When we arrived at the store, he suddenly became calm, mature and said in a sweet tone - "Honey, let's go shopping."
I was crying and scared. I told him I wasn't getting out of the car. He drove out the parking lot, enraged once more, and yelled at me all the way home. That evening he went on and on about how I am not grateful that he provides a home for us to live in, and that he pays all the utility bills. He said that I was ungrateful and he couldn't stand how often we argue. He filled out divorce papers online and printed them, setting them on the kitchen counter.

He told me to get out, to pack my things and leave, and gave me 24 hours to be out of his house. He owns the house.

So, I did so. About 2 am, he came in to the bedroom and looked in the night stand for his hand gun. I was taking my pictures and drapery down from the walls as quietly as I could. He had been sleeping in the guest room down the hall. 

I had hidden the gun several weeks earlier, after he said he felt suicidal and how easy it would be to reach in that drawer, and just shoot himself in the head. The next morning, I moved the gun to another place in the house.

When he continued to press me for the location of the gun, I refused. I told him that he didn't need a gun at 2am and to go back to bed. He wouldn't stop. I finally told him that if he didn't back off about that gun, I would call the police... and eventually I did. The police came and said that no crime had taken place and they left!

I gathered my most priceless things, and left the house, sleeping in my car at a park and ride - around 3:30am. I went to work totally wiped out, but too embarrassed to tell anyone what I had been through.

The next few days we did nothing but argue as I packed all of my things and made arrangements to move all of my furniture out. The third day after this, he called me at work and begged me to stay. He said he would schedule an appointment with a therapist and we would go to marriage counseling.

Last night, I asked him what day and what time our appointment is with the therapist and he yelled at me. He said that his insurance was canceled and so, we are not going. Then, yesterday morning, he went to nursery and bought hundreds of dollars worth of new - almost mature trees and bushes for the yard.

I am terrified to bring up his broken promise to go to therapy, because I don't want another fight.

I am working hard to save up money to get into an apartment, as I have spent most of my savings paying off business debt and helping my son who is getting ready to leave on a mission for the LDS church. Another son of mine is getting married this summer, and I have promised him the money for his honeymoon, and so my savings has dwindled to the point where I cannot come up with the deposit and first month's rent on even a cheap apartment.

I really don't think this man is going to change. Today, he went off on me about the strawberries I left on the counter. I was planning on dipping them in chocolate, an Easter tradition, and so they needed to be at room temperature. He put them in the fridge and told me that I was rude. 

He then proceeded to make a huge breakfast - eggs, bacon, ham, and potatoes. I was making strawberries and muffins- hoping to help him fight his serious cholesterol problem... I said nothing about the strawberries, I just quietly went about dipping them in chocolate and putting them on a plate.

Later he announced his plans for the day and expected me to go with him to his parents' for Easter dinner. I reminded him that he had promised me to go to another event. He got angry and said that he was never going to be able to please me. He drove off in his truck without me.

I am now feeling severe anxiety because he is home from his parent's and is acting so 'sweet' and mature. If I dare ask about the therapy appointment, and remind him of his promise, it will turn into another major blowout.

Any advice would be appreciated.


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

Stop thinking about him think about YOU
You need to get out as soon as possible 
You need to seek help don't wait for him go to the therapist by yourself she will advice you what to do 
Talk to your pastor tell your friends don't hide the truth you need to act very fast
You are in an abusive marriage and it's getting really dangerous what are you waiting for
I am reading your story and i feel scared 
I am worried about you don't give him anymore chances


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

One more thing you cannot help anyone who doesn't want to help himself
So focus on your happiness and safety


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## Second_of_Ten (Apr 5, 2010)

I appreciate what you said about thinking about ME and protecting myself instead of worrying about him.

After confronting him last night about the therapy session, he - as predicted - blew up. I slept on the couch. My furniture is dismantled and in storage, and most of my things are still packed in boxes. I reminded him that I am capable of taking care of myself.
Both of my boys have offered their support and advised me to get out.

I found a letter in my husband's dresser drawer from the doctor who did a psych evaluation on him last fall. He was denied further advancement in the military because of his testing. The date of the letter and the time frame is around the very same time his son came home from boot camp. Both my husband and his son are in the army.

I am certain that this rejection, and the evaluation are evidence that he has serious problems and I also believe that his personality and mood swings became much more evident at this time, because he was rejected and demoted. 

I have an appointment with my pastor. One of my artists has offered her home to me in case of an emergency. My bags are packed and in my car.

I've decided that getting out now is the right thing to do.

Thanks for your help!


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

I encourage your decision to leave keep going don't hesitate this is the right thing to be done. 
Good that your boys are supporting you.
And i am sorry that you went through three bad marriages don't give up it wasn't your fault sometimes we don't know the truth before it is too late. 
Good that you know now and you have a safety plan but still don't wait you are predicting his reactions so you know him he won't change
You need to get out before it is too late


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

> My husband is constantly, daily, going through severe mood swings. He is angry one minute, and then depressed, and then five or ten minutes later, he is giggling, dancing, and talking like a little child.


Second, I am so sorry you are having to deal with such a painful situation. I agree with Le Vieux and your sons that it is important you move out IMMEDIATELY. I lived with a BPD wife for 15 years and, before that, took care of a bipolar foster son for 12 years. I will be happy to share that experience with you by answering any questions I can. I will make myself available here as long as you need me. 

It is not difficult to spot a strong pattern of BPD traits after you learn how to recognize them. That task is made easier by the fact that we all have the 9 BPDs traits at a low level. Hence, you will be able to identify with them to some extent. Before leaving high school, for example, you already could tell when someone is too selfish to make good marriage material -- without having a PhD and without being able to tell if it rose to the level of a NPD diagnosis.

What is difficult, then, is knowing when BPD traits are so severe that they warrant a diagnosis of BPD. Consequently, only a psychologist can diagnose your H's behavior and tell you for sure what you are dealing with. 

Many of them work on a sliding scale depending on your income. Some are available through social services and you may have access to one through the army. Your first priority, then, should be getting out immediately and your second priority should be finding a good psychologist. Between appointments with that professional, forum members here like me will be glad to be supportive if you find us helpful.


> Our relationship was great until the day his son came home from boot camp.


If you H suffers from BPD, the arrival of his son could have caused symptoms to return more quickly by creating added stress. But, if so, it did not matter much because the BPD behavior would have returned soon anyway. You were lucky to get 4 months plus what you had before the marriage.

Let me explain. Because BPDers have a very weak ego, they adopt the personality and preferences of any woman they are attracted to. 
One reason is that they have a very weak and unstable self-image, i.e., they don't know who they really are. This means they don't know how to act around you to make a good impression. They therefore will adopt nearly all your preferences and likes. They will enjoy the same things and people that you do. 

This process is called "mirroring." Hence, for up to six months, you will think you have met your "soul mate." For that brief period, life will be better than any romance movie you have ever seen. You will seem to think the same thoughts. You will communicate easily with a glance.

A second reason for the six month honeymoon is that BPDers fear abandonment and thus want desperately to avoid rejection. A third reason is that, like you, they are infatuated during this period, which means they are projecting qualities onto you that you don't actually have -- idealizing you. But all that must soon come to an end because such mirroring requires great energy and sacrifice and they eventually start growing resentful of having to make such sacrifices, i.e., pretending to like everything you do. That is when the anger (which they have carried since early childhood) starts showing itself.

You then start paying big time as his idolizing period starts alternating with the periods in which he demonizes you. If he has strong BPD traits, he cannot avoid doing this because BPD distorts his perception of you. Moreover, the disorder causes him to do black-white thinking, where people (including you) are perceived as very good or very bad -- no in-between. BPDers do not handle gray areas well. My ex-wife, for example, started believing I was a frequent liar and very violent. Actually, those were her characteristics. That behavior is called "projection."


> My husband is constantly, daily, going through severe mood swings. He is angry one minute, and then depressed, and then five or ten minutes later, he is giggling, dancing, and talking like a little child.


That sounds more like bipolar disorder than BPD. There are several clear differences between the two. Bipolar mood swings usually are very slow because they are caused by gradual changes in body chemistry. They are considered rapid if as many as four occur in a year. My foster son, however, was an extremely rapid cycler -- changing moods sometimes several times a day as you describe. Although rare, that type of bipolar might be part of your H's problem.

In sharp contrast to the usual bipolar mood swings, BPD mood changes can occur several times a day (like the rare, extremely rapid cycling bipolar). BPD rages, for example, typically last about 5 hours and rarely as long as 36 hours. It would be very unusual for them to cool down in as little as 5 minutes, as you say occurs with your H. Hence, that behavior is more indicative of the rare form of bipolar which is extremely rapid cycling.

A second difference between the two is that the onset is very different. Whereas a bipolar change typically occurs over several weeks, a BPD change typically occurs in less than a minute -- often in only 15 seconds -- because it is event-triggered by some innocent comment or action. That behavior is consistent with the way your husband rages in response to your comments about the paint imperfections and the need for a therapist.

A third difference is that, whereas bipolar can cause people to be irritable and obnoxious during the manic phase, it does not rise to the level of meanness you see when a BPD is splitting you black. The difference is huge: while a manic person may regard you as an irritation, a BPD person can perceive you as Hitler and will treat you accordingly.

Finally, a fourth difference is that a bipolar sufferer -- whether depressed or manic -- usually is able to trust you if she knows you well. Untreated BPDs, however, are unable to trust -- even though they sometimes may claim otherwise. This lack of trust means there is no foundation on which to build a relationship. Moreover -- and I learned this the hard way -- when a person does not trust you, you can never trust them because they can turn on you at any time -- and almost certainly will.

Yet, despite these four clear differences between the two disorders, many people confuse the two. The primary source of this confusion seems to be the fact that many BPD sufferers also have the bipolar disorder. Indeed, most BPD suffers also have regular depression or bipolar. So your H may have both. 

If he has strong BPD traits, they were entrenched in early childhood and likely started affecting his behavior in his late teens. He therefore would have had it when you met him. How long was your relationship before marriage? I ask because, if he has BPD, it is unlikely he could have hidden it for more than 6 months. Were there any red flags during that period that you now recognize in hindsight?

I will be happy to discuss this further with you, Second. But, if you are sitting in your H's home reading this, your first priority should be to leave now and get to safety -- not to read. If he really has BPD, his perceptions of you are distorted by the illness and you cannot know what he might do. Please take care of yourself.


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