# Two of my former GFs are now openly gay - what does that make me??



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Just as the title says, 2 of my previous GFs are now openly living as lesbians. 

The first one I will call 'A'. A and I dated for awhile in our early 20s and while I never saw her as serious LTR or marriage material, we got along great and our sexual chemistry was off the charts. Best ever in fact. 

We went our separate ways after awhile but have always loosely kept in touch and remained friends. 

She did not marry (until recently), no kids and while she had a wide variety of hook ups, flings with married men and living a bit of a hippie-chick life, she never had a serious, traditional LTR with any man. 

A couple years ago she and I hooked back up as FWBs and had an FMF threesome with my wife. And again the sexual chemistry was still through the roof 30+ years later. 

She did tell me that back in her mid or upper 20s she had a relationship with a woman for several months, but it never really went anywhere and they each just difted off in their separate ways.

Then earlier this year, she started working with a woman 20+ years younger than was the daughter or one of her long time friends and they quickly fell in love and are now married (we are in a same-sex state) 

(Just an FYI she end our swinging/FWB arrangement when she started seeing her now wife) 

The other GF I will call 'B'. I was in a serious LTR with B back in my mid-20s for several years. B and I also had great sexual chemistry and a high-energy sex life. 

Then one night she met a female friend of a friend while going out with some coworkers one night and didn't come home until about 4am. She started going out after work night after night and by the time I realized something was up, she had dumped me and was moving in with her new friend. 

She adamantly denied any funny business with this gal and blamed on break up on me being an A-hole and not committing.

We went our separate ways but I know she was involved with a few other women after our break up even though she denied being gay. 


We lost touch for many years and she ended up moving across the country. We connected on social media a couple years ago but never really talked much other than catching each other up on generic stuff like what we do for a living and where we live now. 

Then this past summer while I vacation I met up with her and we had some fairly deep talks and she finally after 25 years admitted to being gay and admitted that I was actually a good BF and said we had great sex and that it was probably our sex life that kept us together as long as we were. She also said that she had not dated another male or had any other BFs since me. 

So that is all fine and dandy. I am glad that they found their niche and have special people in their lives and I am glad they are happy. 

In both relationships, they were both good people, we had awesome sex lives, but the reason I never went further with the relationships is there was always something "off" or just not quite right that I could never put my finger on. …..now I know. 

The question that has been weighing on me is is there something about me that drew two lesbians to me and then made the jump to their own gender?? 

I suppose I could get a complex and think that I was so bad as a BF that I drove two women to lesbianism, but I believe people are born into their orientation and are not driven to it. 

But what I do wonder is if there is something about me that makes gay women give the male one last shot and then jump the fence?? 

I outright asked B if I was effeminate or something that made her think of me as just one of the girls that happened to have a penis and she laughed out loud and said I was definitely not effeminate. 

But I still have to wonder if this is just coincidence or if there is a connection at all. 


I know there is probably no true answer to this as everyone is an individual and has their own motives and objectives and such - but I would be interested in hearing your thoughts and ideas to this. 

Any discussion will be welcome.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I don't think that it make you anything. What they do with their lives has nothing to do with you.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Sounds like they were bi and not gay.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

And as a side note, since both A falling in love and marrying another woman and me meeting up with and having some deep conversations with B both occurring within a number of months of each other, I have had to challenge some of my beliefs on sexual orientation and challenge some of my own biases and stereotypes etc. 

I had always kind of held in the back of my head that many lesbians aren't sexually attracted to men and/or were uncomfortable with male sexuality and were more sexually attracted to women and the female form. 

I also believed (and have probably stated in these forums) that many lesbians were victims of abuse or CSA etc. 

None of these things were true with either A or B. 

'A' could put most porn stars out of business and while she never had what I would consider a LTR, healthy R with a man, she loved male sexuality and to just be blunt and tell it like it is/was, she loved penises and loved intercourse and all forms of ejaculation etc if you know what I mean and could go for hours and hours and in her own words (did not have an 'off' switch)


B also was much like A but just not quite to the Nth degree like A. 


Unlike A, B had had previous BFs and healthy relationships with men and neither had suffered any abuse or CSA and both had loving and healthy relationships with their fathers and male relatives and friends etc. 

If they each stated similarities, it was that they enjoyed high-energy sex with men, but could only find close emotional connections with women. 


In B's words, I was a good BF but a lousy GF and it was a GF that she needed.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> I don't think that it make you anything. What they do with their lives has nothing to do with you.


That is what the rational part of me says. 

But the irrational part can't help but wonder if there is some kind of connection or common thread.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Have you checked to see if the manufacturer has put out a recall on your gaydar?

Seriously, I think it's just coincidence. It may seem odd that this type of lightning has struck twice in the same place, but even the rarest of occurrences happen to somebody. In this case, it just happened to be you.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

One of my ex-gf's (and long-time friend) from high school days decided she is lesbian many years later, after a marriage and children. I don't think anything of it, really.

However, if YOU have a sex change, you could be a lesbian, too!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

😎😎 you broke them. Or improved them. I'm flexible. 

But very likely had no impact. But humorous.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> But what I do wonder is if there is something about me that makes gay women give the male one last shot and then jump the fence??


You claimed that the sexual chemistry was intense during these relationships. Perhaps these women were already the way they were and did not feel the same chemistry as you did. Instead they were just focused on trying to make you happy and just make things somehow work. When it did not, they finally just started being themselves.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> Just as the title says, 2 of my previous GFs are now openly living as lesbians.
> 
> The first one I will call 'A'. A and I dated for awhile in our early 20s and while I never saw her as serious LTR or marriage material, we got along great and our sexual chemistry was off the charts. Best ever in fact.
> 
> ...


It means you clearly have good chemistry with bisexual women.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> ......If they each stated similarities, it was that they enjoyed high-energy sex with men, but could only find close emotional connections with women.


The above seems to be the answer to your question. I would say they are bisexual, highly sexual, and need committed female-oriented LTR. It is easier today to be true to one's sexual orientation than it was 25 or so years ago.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Wasn't it a Seinfeld episode where George made a girl gay and Kramer made her straight again?

I think that makes you George.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

badsanta said:


> You claimed that the sexual chemistry was intense during these relationships. Perhaps these women were already the way they were and did not feel the same chemistry as you did. Instead they were just focused on trying to make you happy and just make things somehow work. When it did not, they finally just started being themselves.
> 
> Regards,
> Badsanta


It's always possible that they weren't feeling the groove as much as I was and if these were 19 year olds that had only been with a couple people, I could see that.

But These were adult women that had a variety of relationships and experiences.

B was 31 years old when she left me for the other gal. 

And A was 54 when she got with her now wife. 

Sure, someone can always be blowing smoke if they tell you that they had the "best" sex with you. 

But we had very active and high-energy sex throughout the relationships right up until the ax came down. 

These are both very mature and self-aware adult women and if they say the sex was good but they needed more than good sex for a relationship, I have no reason to doubt them.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

So let me understand this....your the last man they were with and then both came out gay....so it took a straight man to make them realize they were gay.
Yeah about that..... I'm sorry Oldshirt, but i am going to have to ask you to turn in your Man Card, we can't have you turning other women gay its not good for our image. It could be a PR disaster. ;-)


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Laughed my butt off. 

Anyway, is your picker broke? Who knows. I doubt it.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

There's nothing to make of it. They were both bi, so they were both happy to be sexual with you. Maybe they are 60/40 bi, meaning 60% leaning towards preferring women and 40% towards men. So when it came time to settle down they were biased towards it being with a woman. Or maybe they just both randomly ended up with a woman. 50/50 chance for a bi person on which gender they are with.

Given your age range, CSA is a possibility even though they both deny it. Not that it matters at all either in terms of your relationship with them. CSA victims, even more especially back decades ago, routinely deny it happened for a variety of reasons. Never assume a denial of CSA is accurate.

Lady "A" has a relationship history indicating some issues of some sort. Maybe feeling confused about her sexuality, maybe some emotional or sexual trauma from her childhood. And, only very recently has it been acceptable to openly be gay. That must have been a very difficult thing for both ladies to have been bi but not able to be fully open about it.

If I were you I'd assume you were the best ever. Once they were with you they realized no other man would ever exceed that standard, so they switched to female lovers.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Oldshirt,

You wrote, *A couple years ago she and I hooked back up as FWBs and had an FMF threesome with my wife.*

So your W is also Bi or Les, or did you pressure her into doing it.

Tamat


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

TAMAT said:


> Oldshirt,
> 
> You wrote, *A couple years ago she and I hooked back up as FWBs and had an FMF threesome with my wife.*
> 
> ...


I have written frequently (probably ad nauseum actually) here that my wife and I were very active in the swinging lifestyle for many years. 


She is primarily heterosexual and lives a completely heterosexual lifestyle, but there have been a few women over the years that tripped her Trigger. 

She does what she wants and no one pressures her into anything if they want to see their next sunrise LOL


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Your penis turns women gay?

Powerful vudu dude!


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## WildMustang (Nov 7, 2017)

happyhusband0005 said:


> It means you clearly have good chemistry with bisexual women.


I think it means @oldshirt clearly has good chemistry with sexual women, bisexual or not.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> It's always possible that they weren't feeling the groove as much as I was and if these were 19 year olds that had only been with a couple people, I could see that.
> 
> But These were adult women that had a variety of relationships and experiences.
> 
> ...



*DISCLAIMER: I'll admit I am mansplaining here about women, but this should help when splaining to another man!* 

In my opinion it is easy for those in the LGBT community to just be themselves today as there is much more awareness. Online porn helps the self discovery process for some to also learn that the ways they feel (sexually) is normal and that they are not alone. However those that grew up in the 70s, 80s, or 90s would have been shamed into trying to make heterosexuality work at whatever means. Perhaps the great sex was, "yes I can be normal and fit into society as that did feel kind of OK!" Therefore it would be validating in a messed up way for the sex to feel OK and perhaps why these women bragged to you about about it for helping to give them a chance to be normal. 

It is not uncommon for some older folks to be married many years and not understand why things didn't really work. Perhaps after being married to King Author and having an affair with Lancelot, it wasn't until Guinevere got much older that she realized it was Cleopatra that her heart really desired. 

Point being is that if these women were older and raised when times were way more conservative... it only makes more sense that they would be trying as hard as they could to be "normal." Seriously did you ever hear about the person that kept trying to use the "wrong" restroom in the 80's? They all got arrested and probably had to be registered on a sex offenders list. OK I know transsexuality is not the same as homosexuality, but I was just trying to make it a point about how society is progressing in terms of being more aware and accepting of the LGBTQIA members of the community (wait did that LGBT acronym just get a few more letters?). 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## almost (Apr 14, 2015)

After being in two long term relationships with men, 5 and 3 years respectively, I'm (mostly happily) in a longterm (about 3 years) lesbian relationship. 

I left my male partner for my current partner and though I greatly regret the way I ended the relationship, I don't regret ending it. 

I've spent quite a bit of time thinking about my ex partner's thoughts about everything.. I've often wondered if he thinks that he 'turned me into a lesbian' or that the sex wasn't good, or if I thought of him as a girlfriend, and honestly none of that true.

The sex was fine, though I admit that I find it much more satisfying now and he didn't change my sexuality. I've always found masculine presenting women appealing and alluring, and when given the opportunity to indulge, I took it. 

If I were single again, it's unlikely, though not impossible, that I'd date a man. After having sex with my girlfriend, and enjoying her anatomy and the warmth, moisture and softness that comes with that, it would be challenging for me to go back.

I've also wondered if a man would be interested in dating me in the future. I would not be interested in dating a man that had any sexual experiences with a man, and certainly not one that had a long term gay relationship.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

almost said:


> I've also wondered if a man would be interested in dating me in the future. I would not be interested in dating a man that had any sexual experiences with a man, and certainly not one that had a long term gay relationship.


Studies show that, in general, men are tolerant of women who've had lesbian experiences. Men don't see lesbian activity as unappealing or a disqualifier to dating. This is a generalization from studies. Personally I won't date a bisexual woman because I believe the chances are lower for a strong long term relationship, and possibly the chances of infidelity are higher.

Otoh, women in general do not find male homosexual activity as attractive, and it disqualifies the man as a potential partner. Again, a broad generalization from studies.


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## almost (Apr 14, 2015)

Thor said:


> Studies show that, in general, men are tolerant of women who've had lesbian experiences. Men don't see lesbian activity as unappealing or a disqualifier to dating. This is a generalization from studies. Personally I won't date a bisexual woman because I believe the chances are lower for a strong long term relationship, and possibly the chances of infidelity are higher.
> 
> Otoh, women in general do not find male homosexual activity as attractive, and it disqualifies the man as a potential partner. Again, a broad generalization from studies.



Well that's good to know I suppose, though I wonder if men's 'tolerance' of lesbian relationships is based on an idea that they're not legitimate relationships at all. I couldn't (hypothetically) date a guy that feels that way, it's so reductive.
My girlfriend has also told me that she worries about my being bisexual, she has similar concerns as you. In my opinion, being attracted to more than one sex does not make one more likely to cheat. People generally are attracted to more than one 'type', they may be attracted to multiple races, sizes, heights etc.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

almost said:


> My girlfriend has also told me that she worries about my being bisexual, she has similar concerns as you. In my opinion, being attracted to more than one sex does not make one more likely to cheat. People generally are attracted to more than one 'type', they may be attracted to multiple races, sizes, heights etc.


Idk if there is any true data to support my feelings, but if someone is bi it means they are attracted to every attractive adult regardless of gender. Every person is a potential threat to the relationship. This makes every activity a potential avenue to get involved with someone else. I guess I have to relate it to my own experiences where an attractive woman brings an entirely different ambiance to any activity. I can't help but notice she is attractive even when I have no interest in seeking a relationship. Whereas when it is just the guys it is something else entirely, with no threat of me becoming romantically or sexually interested in them.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

My question is what was it about these women that made you like them... did they have a certain attitude or personality that made them different in a good way compared to straight girls?

This guy I dated shortly told me that 2 out of the 3 long term relationships he has had he girls ended up being lesbians. And one of those girls today is super butch and he was engaged to her and with her for 7 years. And I mean 2/3 is like statistically significant.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Girl_power said:


> My question is what was it about these women that made you like them... did they have a certain attitude or personality that made them different in a good way compared to straight girls?


For all practical purposes, they were "straight girls" at the time. Both both dressed like every other woman if their age, wore the same make up, the same '80s hair and they both dated and had sex with men and did not date or have sex with women. 

They both lived heterosexual lifestyles ......until they didn't. 

'A' was what you could call a girly-girl and was a doppelgänger for one of the biggest female porn stars at the time. 

That was when she was 20.

In recent times,30 years later, she still looked feminine and not "butch" at all but more like kind of what called a "hippie chick." 

B was several years older by the time I started seeing her and she was more casual in dress and appearance, but still did not look or dress any different that any other woman if her age at the time. 

However today if you were to see her from a mile away you think of her as the architype lesbian and she is fairly butch now. 

If there was a common trait that I found attractive in both was that both of them were assertive and not afraid to say what they wanted not what they didn't. They were both also very sexually forward and uninhibited and not afraid to get down and dirty. They both had powerful sexualities and didn't require me to make all the first moves. 

Eventually over time I did begin to suspect B's orientation and I did begin to wonder if she may somewhat gay but just wanting to live the traditional, white picket fence lifestyle.

(Which she did later admit to me this past summer)

I never suspected that of A and that still has me scratching my head.

A is so overtly sexual and so free-spirited that it would suprise me in the slightest if she had sexual experiences and such with women.

But I never would have suspected her of marrying a lesbian and living that lifestyle fulltime.

(Just an FYI, her wife is very butch. As in being mistaken for a man by various people that don't know her)


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

badsanta said:


> In my opinion it is easy for those in the LGBT community to just be themselves today as there is much more awareness. Online porn helps the self discovery process for some to also learn that the ways they feel (sexually) is normal and that they are not alone. However those that grew up in the 70s, 80s, or 90s would have been shamed into trying to make heterosexuality work at whatever means. Perhaps the great sex was, "yes I can be normal and fit into society as that did feel kind of OK!" Therefore it would be validating in a messed up way for the sex to feel OK and perhaps why these women bragged to you about about it for helping to give them a chance to be normal.
> 
> 
> 
> Point being is that if these women were older and raised when times were way more conservative... it only makes more sense that they would be trying as hard as they could to be "normal."


It is very true that homosexuality was treated with much shame and contempt back in the 80s and people were under tremendous pressure to be "normal" and countless people dated and married and had homes and families with members of the opposite sex when their true orientation was homosexual.

B did struggle with her orientation and was in her early 30s when she accepted her orientation. 

She denied it at the time and blamed me for the demise of our relationship and stated it was because I was an Ahole.

As she worded it to me this past summer was she did not want to be gay but eventually had to come to terms with it.

While I do think and I have always believed that she wanted to live a traditional, white picket fence lifestyle and in a way was trying to use me to obtain that - I do not doubt that she had sincere affection and love for me. .....just not the kind of love she needed.

'A' on the other hand I think was as surprised as everyone else when she fell for her now wife.

It's up to the academics and church ladies and armchair shrinks to determine whether she really was gay all along, but she never self-identified as gay or even gave it consideration until it smacked her in the face.

She may have had a variety of relationship issues and dysfunctions over the years, but I certainly don't think she was play-acting or trying to fit into any kind of mold.

Frankly, I don't think there is a mold for heR. She is definately her own catagory all together LOL


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## Steelman (Mar 5, 2018)

SadSamIAm said:


> Wasn't it a Seinfeld episode where George made a girl gay and Kramer made her straight again?
> 
> I think that makes you George.


Yup- and Kramer brings them right back.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Glad to see someone else with my past relationship stuff. Ex fiancé is married to a woman. Second girlfriend is bi and had a girlfriend she visited one or two weekends a month when she was living with me. My third relationship is with my wife of 46 years. She is bi as is her BFF who we shared for most of our marriage. I have never been in a relationship with a heterosexual woman either.

As to why I do not know, but my wife has a theory. She said that after sex with all girls turn gay. Could be. I really do know what this makes me. It makes me the luckiest guy in the world. My wife never had sex or dated a girl without me. I have been in close to 2,000 FFM threesomes over the almost 5 decades and had full access to our girlfriend without my wife joining in. I had the love of two women for most of my adult life and two women to love. It has been great and would not change a thing.

The one downside is that for the last few years my wife is more interested in girls then guys so that means a lot less sex for me. Small price to pay for the life I had though.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

From your posts it sounds like you have had an unconventional sex life; "threesomes", swinging.

So perhaps, since you have fewer boundaries to experimenting with various sexual pursuits, you tend to attract people who are the same. Like to like.


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