# Babied my daughter too much, now what?



## Trying2MakeItWork (Mar 12, 2014)

So... I know what I did wrong, and I know that my reasons might not be agreed with, but I don't know what to do about it.

I have babied my youngest child too much and at 11 she doesn't want to take a bath by herself because she wants me to sit in the bathroom with her, and she doesn't want to sleep alone and guilts me if I don't sleep in her double bed with her at night.

I keep saying that any time now, I will be chopped liver and she will want her privacy and I will be evicted, but I am pretty sure that I have to find a way to force this along for the sake of my marriage. (Yes, I have not shared a bed with my hubby with any regularity for 11 years).

Any advice?


----------



## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

How about the Nancy Reagan solution....Just Say No.


----------



## Trying2MakeItWork (Mar 12, 2014)

I don't just mean the part where I say no to my daughter. That is going to be very difficult, but I know it is necessary. She had some chronic health stuff that needed surgically corrected and it has been so now I worry less about her health (which is WHY I have slept with her, so that I can check her a thousand times a night to make sure she is still "warm and breathing")

It will be a bumpy road of her not wanting to sleep alone, my hubby having to sleep with another moving/snoring person in the room, and my own habitual worrying when I can't check on her a thousand times a night, but it needs done.

I am just looking for the least disruptive way to do it and didn't know if anyone else had good advice (possibly a husband whose wife had babied their kids too much and needed to make changes).


----------



## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

The only advice I have on that front is to talk with hubby, openly and honestly, about the issue. You'll need to solve it together, and neither one of you should guess at what the other one thinks about the situation.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Well, you know it needs to be done, so you just DO it. You have to be the parent here. An 11 year old sleeping with her mommy is not normal. I realize your reasons at one point, but now its time to cut the cord. She will not die because you make a rule. And I am sure your H will be more than happy to finally have his wife back in bed with him like it should be, so I wouldnt worry too much about that part.


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Take small steps. Work out your goals and a strategy with your DH. I babied my youngest for a bit too long, but I started pushing him towards independence by refusing to do small things for him. After a while he realised he liked being independent. We always gave him lots of encouragement and praise when he'd do something for himself. Note he's gone through all this before 5yrs old. But the main thing is you can't make all the changes in one hit, start with small things.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

breeze said:


> Take small steps. Work out your goals and a strategy with your DH. I babied my youngest for a bit too long, but I started pushing him towards independence by refusing to do small things for him. After a while he realised he liked being independent. We always gave him lots of encouragement and praise when he'd do something for himself. Note he's gone through all this before 5yrs old. But the main thing is you can't make all the changes in one hit, start with small things.


What small thing CAN be changed here though? She either sleeps alone or she doesnt. She is 11, so the idea of mom sitting with her til she falls asleep seems pretty absurd. You have to shove the baby bird out of the nest for it to fly, ya know?


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Have you talked with your daughter about WHY she insists that you watch her bathe and sleep? Maybe she is afraid (picked it up from your fears for her) that something BAD will happen to her if you aren't there. Could you allay her fears somehow?

Have you watched movies that show lots and lots and lots of kids sleep alone? Does she know that?

Has she ever gone to a slumber party with friends? Sometimes it helps kids be more independent when they see their friends are independent.

Does she look up to any kids, like your other children or cousins? Does she notice that they sleep alone? Does anyone tease her about sleeping with mommy?

Could you tell her she can take a bath with the door open (if that's feasible), or try it with the door closed while you sit outside? Maybe you can gradually show her that she's fine bathing alone with you just a shout away.

Can you use baby monitors, and tell her if she wakes up and is scared, she can just call out and you'll hear her?


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If you just suddenly change all of this, your daughter is going to react very badly. Like NJ says, it needs to be done in increments.

Our daughter liked to crawl in with us (well, me anyway - I was always the one squished in the middle!) till she was about 14. Once a week or so, she'd end up in our bed. She would go thru periods where it was more often too. She's just an anxious person. But I never kicked her out - that would have made it worse. I did finally put a bed for her on the floor of our room and when she would come in, I would soothe her for a couple of minutes in our bed then mover her out and tuck her in on the floor. That satisfied her and kept her anxiety at bay.

I assume you have a shower? Get her to start showering. Have you talked with her about menstruation? You should if you haven 't. That would also be a good way to bring up the fact that she needs to start doing this stuff in private.


----------



## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

I agree with the poster who said you cannot make changes all at once. 

Can you tell your daughter that for her own sake she needs to become more independent and that you made a mistake in not doing things to encourage this when she was younger but you are going to start putting things right from now on.

With the sleeping, you could start the night in her bed as usual but get your husband to come wake you up after say a couple of hours and she can wake up in the morning on her own.

Likewise with bathing - start off with her and leave the bathroom half way through.

With both the bathing and sleeping, cut the time down every few days and see how that goes. Within 2 or 3 weeks hopefully these problems wil be no more. 

I am wondering if her friends know about her sleeping and bathing arrangements - does she have friends over and how do they react. Are there other siblings and if so what is their reaction. Tell your daughter it might be embarrasing if it were common knowledge and how sensible and mature she is becoming and this is just another step along the way in growing up. 

Perhaps it would be helpful if you could work towards an event to give her some incentive to accept the new independence. Maybe she could spend the night at a relative's house, or have a friend sleep over (but have the friend in a separate bed - not your daughter's double bed). And what about getting rid of the double bed? She'd have more space for a starter! Maybe a new/alternative more spacious bedroom layout/furniture to look forward to might help.

Also, maybe a radio on in the bathroom to distract her from noticing your absence so much, and one of those nature music cd's at night might help her drift off to sleep when you're not there.

Hmm - who is more anxious about all this? You or your daughter. If it's you, you can always check on her once or twice during the night to begin with, but no more.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Advocado said:


> Perhaps it would be helpful if you could work towards an event to give her some incentive to accept the new independence.


This reminded me of the 'bottle party' I had for my son when he was four. So he would give up the bottle. I invited family over and we had a party just like a birthday party, with a bottle cake and stuff. I purposely did not call it a NO MORE bottle party. It worked like a charm


----------



## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Trying2MakeItWork said:


> I don't just mean the part where I say no to my daughter. That is going to be very difficult, but I know it is necessary. She had some chronic health stuff that needed surgically corrected and it has been so now I worry less about her health (which is WHY I have slept with her, so that I can check her a thousand times a night to make sure she is still "warm and breathing")
> 
> It will be a bumpy road of her not wanting to sleep alone, my hubby having to sleep with another moving/snoring person in the room, and my own habitual worrying when I can't check on her a thousand times a night, but it needs done.
> 
> ...


----------



## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> If you just suddenly change all of this, your daughter is going to react very badly. Like NJ says, it needs to be done in increments.
> 
> Our daughter liked to crawl in with us (well, me anyway - I was always the one squished in the middle!) till she was about 14. Once a week or so, she'd end up in our bed. She would go thru periods where it was more often too. She's just an anxious person. But I never kicked her out - that would have made it worse. I did finally put a bed for her on the floor of our room and when she would come in, I would soothe her for a couple of minutes in our bed then mover her out and tuck her in on the floor. That satisfied her and kept her anxiety at bay.
> 
> I assume you have a shower? Get her to start showering. Have you talked with her about menstruation? You should if you haven 't. That would also be a good way to bring up the fact that she needs to start doing this stuff in private.


Didn't you claim that you and all your kid's smoke pot all together?


----------



## Trying2MakeItWork (Mar 12, 2014)

Thanks to those that were supportive, and to those who found the need to be callous... I hope you never have to face the possibility of your child going to bed and not waking up, EVERYDAY for a decade. 

I will take the advice that was given to me to heart.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

over20 said:


> Didn't you claim that you and all your kid's smoke pot all together?


What does that have to do with anything


----------



## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

over20 said:


> We had four babies and NEVER went through this.....get her out of your bed.....


That was rude... 


I understand worrying about your child OP, but you also have to show your daughter how to slowly become independent.

My 8 month old son has Laryngomalacia, has blue spells occasionally, and actually stopped breathing right before Christmas(very scary!). I don't bring him into our bed though because I just don't want to start that habit. If you are so worried about her breathing, use a pulse oximeter. Then you can actually see her oxygen levels and have more peace of mind. You can either get one through the insurance company(but may have to put up a fight to get it covered) or you can even just buy one at Walmart or other stores. 

Start making slow changes to help her grow up to be independent. I would start with bath time, having her shower alone. You definitely do not need to be there. Once that is accomplished, move on to her sleeping alone. You can sleep in the same room at first, but then move farther away after some time, so she gets used to having the room to herself. 

Hope it all goes well.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> If you just suddenly change all of this, your daughter is going to react very badly. Like NJ says, it needs to be done in increments.


I have to say, all other things being equal (like scary medical issues are already resolved) rip that band aid OFF. Speak to her. She is old enough. Tell her you made a mistake, and that though the transition period may be uncomfortable, you know that she can deal with it.

Then do it.

BUT you do need to figure out why a little kid can successfully "guilt" you!

At 10, she is well old enough not to freak at sleeping alone or bathing (showering if she prefers) alone.


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Trying2MakeItWork said:


> Thanks to those that were supportive, and to those who found the need to be callous... I hope you never have to face the possibility of your child going to bed and not waking up, EVERYDAY for a decade.
> 
> I will take the advice that was given to me to heart.


Since she has/had medical issues, is a monitor enough? or have you talked to the doctor about placing a sensor on her at night to give you peace of mind?

I think YOUR nervous nelly habits have made her afraid to be alone - she takes those cues from you. I understand you had reason to worry about her well being but you recognize it has been out of hand for a very long time now.

What about putting walkie-talkies in both rooms? You could make a fun little goodnight routine where you tell her goodnight over the walkie talking from your room and tells you back - she can check in with you at any time. Maybe you read a story over it or sing a song while she lay in bed in the dark settling down...

As to the bath - I would think by now she is developing and wouldn't want you in there. Ask her what she thinks will happen if she bathes alone. Address her fears. Next time she's bathing, after a few minutes, leave the bath - have a good excuse - phone ringing, dryer buzzed a load of clothes is done, check something in the oven, whatever. Then try to get her to start her bath with out you - tell her you'll be in in a minute. Now she's starting her bath alone, or ending her bath alone. It's a simple step from that point to skip the middle of the bath time altogether by saying she's a big girl and she'll be fine. Play music in there if she likes to chat while bathing - let her sing while in the bath to distract her from the lack of company.

Without knowing what her health issue is it's a little hard to know just how warranted all of this is.

Don't shame her - after all, you encouraged it. But do praise independence - congratulate her any time she does things on her own, including bathing.


----------



## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

, why didn't your Dr consider this a serious enough medical issue to prescribe a monitor? Odd to say the least. If her medical issues have been resolved then it's time to rip off the bandaid. If you do it in increments then she will manipulate you at every turn.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

And what made being in the bathroom while she bathed necessary?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Trying2MakeItWork said:


> I hope you never have to face the possibility of your child going to bed and not waking up, EVERYDAY for a decade.


I don't understand.

Why would you be afraid - every night for a decade - that she would not wake up?

Does she have a disease?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Hope1964 said:


> What does that have to do with anything


Uh, maybe that the parent doesn't understand what's involved in raising a child?

OP, is that true? you smoke pot with your kids?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm getting conflicting stories here. What's the real story, OP?


----------



## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

Tryingtomakeitwork,

With your daughters health condition(s) has her doctor(s) given her a clean bill of health? Is she able to sleep by herself or does she need to be monitored still?

If she is ok to sleep on her own, then maybe just take it slow with regard to changing the routines that you have all been accustomed to. Maybe a gradual pulling away with the hands on stuff.

Have you considered getting some advice from a counselor with regard to the emotional trauma you and your husband have suffered with regard to the health issues your child has had? I imagine it would be hard to live with thinking your child may not wake up. Maybe even family counseling as a group to address any issues relating to those traumatic years.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

turnera said:


> Uh, maybe that the parent doesn't understand what's involved in raising a child?
> 
> OP, is that true? you smoke pot with your kids?


He/she was talking about me smoking pot with MY kids. Who are all grown. I fail to see what that has to do with anything on this thread.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok, misunderstood. Thanks.


----------

