# The 8th deadly sin - insecurity



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I recently read a post about the importance of facing your weaknesses. Made me realize that the folks who benefit most from TAM are secure enough to be 'weakness focused'. Watching them strive to improve is a joy. And seeing them turn around and pay it forward, even more so. Then there are the folks who are less secure, and engage in 'weakness avoidance or weakness denial'.

Up until a few months ago I was engaging in a form of weakness avoidance related to alcohol. I have a lot of familial experience with drink. My father was descended from German immigrants and loved his beer. It's also true that while my mother lived, he managed his drinking with the precision of a Swiss watch. I never saw him drunk or hung over. He didn't drink before 10 PM at night. 

Then my mom died. Overnight he switched to scotch and turned into a total alcoholic. My older sister was his primary support person because she lived nearby. It was very hard on her. 

Up until a few years ago I had a chronic case of heartburn/reflux disease. When I identified the source of that disease - a quart of milk a day contains a LOT of lactic acid - my reflux disease disappeared. And the biggest gating factor to my drinking disappeared with it. I was now healthy enough to drink as much as I wanted. Turns out I LOVE alcohol. 

Last year came the realization that I was slowly getting out of control. I was up to a bottle a day of wine. I was hiding my drinking from M2. And then I started to drink Scotch. In November I decided to quit for a month which I did fairly easily. But at the end of the month, believing that I had proved I was strong enough to manage my drinking, I resumed. 

A couple months ago I got drunk during the day. Really drunk. Blackout drunk. The next day M2 and I had a short, low key conversation. She said she was worried about me. Asked if I thought I was an alcoholic. I told her the truth which was this:

"I don't know if I'm an alcoholic YET. And all I mean by that is, I'm not sure how difficult it will be to permanently stop drinking right now. I do know that if I don't stop drinking completely - I WILL become the raging alcoholic my father turned into. And I'm not going to put YOU through, what he put my sister through. So yesterday was my last drink - ever."

She thanked me and offered whatever I needed in terms of support. I told her: You're a great partner and deserve a non alcoholic H. If I need your help I'll ask. Since then, we've had maybe a half dozen conversations about alcohol. I do get cravings when watching folks on TV drinking scotch/whiskey. Milder cravings when we are out and our friends are drinking wine. When we talk, I acknowledge those cravings. It helps that I can easily and honestly say: I love you a lot more than I love alcohol. 

So I have a weakness for drink. I'm not strong enough to drink like a 'healthy person' does. I AM however strong enough to admit that weakness and not drink AT ALL. 

So tonight I raise a glass - of ice water - to all the folks who've come on TAM and shown the strength to acknowledge, focus on and overcome their weaknesses. Collectively you've inspired me. And I thank you for that.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

You've made a wonderful decision. One that you will always be pleased with, however, you are likely to not be able to accomplish this alone. If you aren't in AA, then start going to meetings.

I know several "friends of Bill" on this forum, myself included, and it's a great thing but this is only the start for you. There will be times when it is extremely difficult unless you have support and by that I mean support from other alcoholics.

I wish you well.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Good post MEM.

Smooth sailing on your new journey


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Thanks Ele, 
So far so good.





EleGirl said:


> Good post MEM.
> 
> Smooth sailing on your new journey


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Mostly,
That's actually a good point. 

Thanks for the suggestion. 



Mostlycontent said:


> You've made a wonderful decision. One that you will always be pleased with, however, you are likely to not be able to accomplish this alone. If you aren't in AA, then start going to meetings.
> 
> I know several "friends of Bill" on this forum, myself included, and it's a great thing but this is only the start for you. There will be times when it is extremely difficult unless you have support and by that I mean support from other alcoholics.
> 
> I wish you well.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

Godspeed on your new path, I second Mostly's post in saying that AA meetings will be useful and supportive.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

MEM, alcohol in itself is not the issue - my father drank a bottle of (his own very strong and very good) wine and lived to 86 years... The out of control / blackout part is the concern and you were wise enough to see the problem and address it. It's a long journey but you'll be better for it!


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

Thank you so much for sharing that with us, MEM. I have told B1 many times, throughout the years, that I have always learned the most, not from the "perfect people," who appear to sail, seamlessly through life, completely unscathed, with their perfect marriages, great careers, fat bank accounts, beautiful homes, and perfect children; but instead, from those who have stumbled, and fallen, and then picked themselves back up, to rise above it, using honesty, courage, and determination, and then extended a hand of compassion, to those who come after them. 

Wow, Holy run-on sentence, EI! 

I wish you nothing less than a future filled with peace, happiness, and sobriety. Again, thank you for sharing that with us.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I've seen the effects of alcohol at their worst... my Mother married an alcoholic...he lived for the bottle...she lived a horrific life...

Many times it's some sort of tragedy that gets one to go over the edge, they drown themselves in it.. in his case, speeding with a friend in his youth...he was behind the wheel.. his friend (who had a wife & kid) was killed.. he never forgave himself...anything to NUMB the pain.. alcohol was his ticket... even 30 yrs later.. if his name was mentioned, he'd break down & cry, even in his drunkenness....

He was a good person.. heart of gold, but he destroyed his life with alcohol.. and was just the fraction of the man he COULD HAVE BEEN....which was the biggest tragedy of all..not to mention the hell it brings upon family members...

His raging slurred speak trashing my mother angered me so badly one day in my younger yrs...I knocked him to the ground... this is NOT like me.. but one thing I knew early on was.. I could not live with an alcoholic. 

He died an early death with his body blowing up like a balloon.. his liver shutting down...

It would be a wonderful world if no one became seriously addicted to this stuff.. but this will never be reality..

I don't know if this is so much of insecurity (more a sober "self awareness" maybe)...as much as the effects of what an addiction can steal from a life.. a marriage.. a family...



> *MEM11363 said*: So I have a weakness for drink. I'm not strong enough to drink like a 'healthy person' does. I AM however strong enough to admit that weakness and not drink AT ALL.
> 
> So tonight I raise a glass - of ice water - to all the folks who've come on TAM and shown the strength to acknowledge, focus on and overcome their weaknesses. Collectively you've inspired me. And I thank you for that.


 Every winner or those who finish this race in life are aware of their failures and can raise that glass saying..."This is NOT going to take me down" yet realizing the power it does have at the same time..

We have a guy friend who will *REMOVE* himself from situations with alcohol because he fully recognizes his weakness here.... he's managed to stay sober for years -that we know of.. holding these boundaries.. 

Here's to you for your self awareness, & courage (not making excuses) to cut this out of your life.. for the love of your wife & family...we'll raise our glasses with you !


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

John,
Totally agree. Nothing wrong with alcohol itself. Most of our friends drink in moderation. 

Truly, I wish I could. I just can't. 




john117 said:


> MEM, alcohol in itself is not the issue - my father drank a bottle of (his own very strong and very good) wine and lived to 86 years... The out of control / blackout part is the concern and you were wise enough to see the problem and address it. It's a long journey but you'll be better for it!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Intheory,

Not offended at all. So I've read about a phenomena called 'dry drunk'. These are typically long time alcoholics who have the same anger, bad behavior issues sober, that they had while drinking. 

My main gauge of that type thing is M2. I've asked her whether I've been different/more difficult/more volatile since I quit. 

Her comments are in line with my subjective self perception:
Overall happier and less volatile. Very rarely angry/combative. 

As for the 'why'. I'm not escaping anything bad. Just really like how it feels. 

That said I also like how I feel after 4 hard miles on the tread mill. Or a good strength training session or an hour of racquetball...





intheory said:


> MEM,
> 
> Congratulations on your introspection, and honesty.
> 
> ...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

SA,
That's such a sad story about your - step father. 




SimplyAmorous said:


> I've seen the effects of alcohol at their worst... my Mother married an alcoholic...he lived for the bottle...she lived a horrific life...
> 
> Many times it's some sort of tragedy that gets one to go over the edge, they drown themselves in it.. in his case, speeding with a friend in his youth...he was behind the wheel.. his friend (who had a wife & kid) was killed.. he never forgave himself...anything to NUMB the pain.. alcohol was his ticket... even 30 yrs later.. if his name was mentioned, he'd break down & cry, even in his drunkenness....
> 
> ...


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## Ntsikzo (Apr 12, 2015)

Well done MEM. I reckon it cannot be easy to give up something you enjoy for the sake of the greater good. I think it also shows maturity.

In my case I do not really enjoy alcohol, but I do drink in a social setting if I am with friends who are drinking. My father was also not a drinker. So I think addiction can also be genetic.

My father's addiction was smoking weed. He would come home from work and sit in the garage and smoke until evening. When he came in the house he would become very abusive, physically and verbally.

But I have often heard people say you can't get addicted to weed, but I think my father was addicted.

So I respect you MEM for recognizing a problem that could potentially destroy your life and dealing with it:smthumbup:


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

EI,
I don't know anyone whose life looks quite as shiny from the inside as it does from the outside. 

One of my favorite movies: Inventing the Abbots



EI said:


> Thank you so much for sharing that with us, MEM. I have told B1 many times, throughout the years, that I have always learned the most, not from the "perfect people," who appear to sail, seamlessly through life, completely unscathed, with their perfect marriages, great careers, fat bank accounts, beautiful homes, and perfect children; but instead, from those who have stumbled, and fallen, and then picked themselves back up, to rise above it, using honesty, courage, and determination, and then extended a hand of compassion, to those who come after them.
> 
> Wow, Holy run-on sentence, EI!
> 
> I wish you nothing less than a future filled with peace, happiness, and sobriety. Again, thank you for sharing that with us.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Mem:

I thought things might be off with you about that same time period. I am thrilled for you to have made this decision, brother. It ain't easy, but it is so worth it.

Just an aside, but we're you self medicating? If so, what was it?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Some of my late night posts were made while drunk. Kind of embarrassing to read them in the cold light of day. 





farsidejunky said:


> Mem:
> 
> I thought things might be off with you about that same time period. I am thrilled for you to have made this decision, brother. It ain't easy, but it is so worth it.
> 
> Just an aside, but we're you self medicating? If so, what was it?


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