# Unsure?



## DBT34 (Apr 10, 2011)

Hello,

I might be putting the cart before the horse in my current situation, but it unfortunately appears that my marriage with my wife is not going to work out. I met my wife in the spring of 1999, and we married in the fall of 2004. Prior to meeting my wife, I began the process of purchasing a piece of property from my father. The land had been in our family for many years, and I hoped to one day build the home of my dreams on it and start a family. In 2005, my wife and I began the process of building our home and by early 2006 we moved in. In late 2009 we had our first child, a daughter. Prior to having our little girl, my wife and I came to an agreement as to how best handle taking care of her. My wife works in the city, and has close to a 2-3hr. commute each day. I on the other hand have my own business and work from home. Although I’ve been in business for some time now, financially it is far from what my wife’s job can provide our family. On top of this, her job provides health benefits that I just wouldn’t be able to afford being self-employed. Where my business can be slow from time to time (especially during the winter months) we decided that I would stay home with our daughter during the day, and then work what I can at night. At first it was quite hard, but I’ve learned to adjust to it. In recent years, I’ve noticed that my wife and my relationship has suffered. She leaves for work very early in the morning, and sometimes she doesn’t get home long until after I’ve put our daughter to bed. I spend my days taking care of our daughter, try to get some work done in between her naps, then try to do what I can after she goes to bed for the night. My wife is very stressed with work and life in general, and I am as well. Our relationship has suffered, and it had been brought to my attention that I am not nearly as “affectionate” as I once was. Unfortunately I don’t think she realizes that she makes it kind of tough for me to feel affection towards her. When she gets home, she just wants to relax. She doesn’t have the time or energy to go do anything together, and pretty much watches TV for a little while, takes a shower, then goes to bed. We have very little to talk about even when we do talk (this could easily be due to the fact that we really aren’t around each other that much to EVEN HAVE things to talk about). We’ve probably never had as much in common as some other couples in the first place, but to me (and others that know her) it is quite evident her personality has changed quite abit… much of this due to work I’m sure. To make my long story short, over the last year or so things have been REALLY distant between us. Although I had a hard time feeling like I was pulling my own weight where I don’t make a lot of money, I now realize that I do so much more than I had given myself credit for. I take care of our daughter for 12-14 hrs. a day. I do all of the cooking, cleaning, and laundry. When that is all done for the day, I go downstairs and try to run my business for as long as I can keep my eyes open. In my free time, I even manage my a charity event I created (which utilizes hundreds of hours of my time in itself). I work hard too… and I am also tired. Recently things came to a head when my wife pretty much said she thinks we should get a divorce. I suggested maybe trying a separation first, or at least try some counseling. She’s agreed to go to counseling, so that is where we are at right now. Knowing my wife (and others that know her as well) feel the whole counseling plan could very well be a waste of time, that she already has her mind made up, and is really only doing it to keep her own “piece of mind” and maybe even to tell our daughter one day that she gave it an “honest” shot. So far… I haven’t been impressed. I’ve poured my heart out in these meetings, said things that I feel I need to change about myself as well, and all she’s really done is finger point… never once saying even one thing that SHE could do to make things better. Hoping for the best (but realizing it might be the worse) I need to prepare myself for what lies ahead. Although I would love for our daughter to live with me, I unfortunately won’t be able to provide the financial security that my wife would be able to. I plan on getting another job regardless of what happens to our relationship, but even still I think I would have a hard time gaining custody in a court. My wife is still a fit mother, I am comfortable in her having most of the custody, and I know that regardless of what happens she would never keep me from seeing my daughter as many times a week as I would like. So on that end of things… not a big issue I forsee. What DOES confuse me is how we are to separate everything? When we first built our home, it was probably valued around $375,000.00. Our mortgage was around $235,000.00 (or so) and that of course doesn’t include the land I already owned before meeting her. I’ve been told I’m entitled to half of EVERYTHING we’ve gained together (including her 410k). I’ve even been told I might be entitled to some alimony due to the amount of her current salary, the lifestyle we have built, and the situation that I am in and that we had agreed upon the fact that I would be a stay at home dad. I’ve told my wife that I don’t want this thing to get bloody, and I don’t want to take things from her to be spiteful. I am proud of what she has accomplished, and want the best for her… especially considering that she’s the mother of our child and will more-than-likely have most of the custody. On the other hand though I feel that I’m caving in FAR more than I should? First of all, I am the one that is making an honest effort to make our relationship work. I am the one that originally sought counseling for us, and I AM the one that’s sleeping on our horrible futon in the spare bedroom while things are worked out. I am also the one that brought $100,000.00 - $150,000.00 worth of my family’s land to the deal, and ultimately I would be stuck walking away from it with nothing. She makes over $100,000.00 a year, while I will more-than-likely have to move back in to my old apartment at my parent’s house (and hope) they don’t charge me rent at least until I can get back on my feet again. I am 36 yrs. old, and I have always done my best. I’ve worked hard to be where I am at, and have a tough time swallowing the fact that I might (when all is said-and-done) walk away from this deal with $0.00. I’m going from the “American Dream” of a beautiful house, a wife, a beautiful daughter, our dog, and a truck that I’m actually proud to drive around in… to moving back in with my parents, hoping my dad’s alcoholism doesn’t rear its ugly head again, and feeling like an empty pile of crap. I know in the long run that things will be better one way or another though. Either my wife and I will work things out in counseling and our relationship could potentially grow to something really strong again. Or, I will realize that her and I were definitely not meant to be, I am only 36 and not really THAT old, and that having a new “freedom” and not feeling like I live under a microscope may be the best thing for me… regardless of my living situation. This is a tough deal for me, and even tougher to figure out what each of us are entitled to? I have so much more to lose from this than she does (for MANY reasons) and although I told her I don’t want to take things from her that she’s worked so hard for, I also don’t want to screw myself and make it that much harder for me to rebound from this. If anyone has some advice they wouldn’t mind lending, I would truly appreciate it! Thank you…


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Alimony and child support are gender neutral. Usually alimony will last for a finite period of time until you go to school for more training. As far as custody, why do you think you would not get as much time with your child as your wife. With the alimony and child support you should have no problem providing for her. 

I would definitely get a lawyer. I am certain your wife realizes the financial consequences of divorce but you don't seem to be aware of all of your options so don't go in blind. 

Is it possible that your wife is having an affair? I have learned by reading many of these post that you can never be sure and it is worth the effort to investigate.

BTW why cant you get a comfy bed for yourself in the spare bedroom? Start being nice to yourself. You will see that you financial situation is not as bad as you think.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Does your wife resent the time she has to spend away from her daughter so that you can live your dream--the land and house you dreamed about? I suspect I would, even if I agreed to it. No one can know how they feel about something until they try it. A 2-3 hour commute for her is "her end of the deal." She may feel she has gotten the short end of it, after all.

Is it possible to rent the house for a while and move close to her job, with you continuing the child care and business? Is it worth a try?

By the way, just b/c you are a guy, it does not mean you will lose everything in a divorce. Check the laws in your state--she may well end up paying you the equivalent of alimony, or perhaps you can retain your property as a "lump sum" settlement (since she put money into the house, which would otherwise have to be sold to liquidate the asset). You might have to rent it, then, to afford living on your own income, at least for few years. 

If you have been your daughter's full-time caregiver, it might be possible to continue that, b/c your wife would have to pay for day care, anyway, and paying you (in child support) would lend consistency to the child's life. You could see your child every day, then, and continue your business. If the two of you really want to make the divorce work, it is likely to still involve moving closer to wife's job for both of you, you providing the day care, and your wife continuing to foot most of the bills (on two separate homes/apartments). Your wife will be in what is traditionally the male role, since she's been the major breadwinner. The only thing that hampers you from asking for the traditional type of settlement is that you really don't want to sell the house and property, so you'll have to think creatively (with your attorney) about how to negotiate so you can keep it (and rent it) and still get enough in child support and alimony to make ends meet. 

But at least consider moving (if there is any rental market in the area of your home). As your child gets older, your wife will get to see more of her once the commute is cut, and your day time will free up when she starts school--not as much as full-time, but some. You are in a tough stage of life and if you can get through this together, it might be worth it. Good luck.


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