# EA that I kind of though was a PA



## HappilyMarrried (Jan 17, 2014)

Ok now that I got that lingo down I feel better. Honestly, I don't feel too bad at this point, but that's part of the story...Teaser CHECK

Hi my names Mike....Introduction CHECK

About six years ago my wife was having an EA with some guy in Hawaii. I found out because there were like 200 text in a month to him. She completely denied it etc... same stuff everyone else goes through. Long story short wife tells me the reason is I don't pay enough attention. On the night that I found out I was devastated, crying, extremely pissed off etc... Eventually I forgave and we rug swept it. Backstory CHECK

Because of that, I've kind of always kept tabs on my wife's online affairs...Pun intended. So basically lately I got some whiffs of something that smelled bad and I've gone into full recon and I got caught this morning. My wife asked me why I was trying to text, lets say Mark, she was very, very concerned as she woke me up to ask. I told her we have something to talk about, she wasn't quite sure yet what I wanted to talk about, so she said something and I said stop lying. Ding, Ding, Ding this is where it gets good. 

She tells me we hardly ever have sex anymore and I can barely get it up(true about not having sex, but I was in recon last time she "wanted it", needless to say it was tough). She said that she felt I was done with her, blah, blah, blah. At this point she basically confirmed my suspicion without actually saying it. Climax CHECK....um pun not really intended there.

Well, we had a really great life together and this really sucks. Monday we went snowboarding had a great time even though I had all this in my head. We both make very good money, lots of toys, basically our life WAS pretty awesome. I'm emotionally not hurt from the PA because she already destroyed that part of me the first time.

I'm not sure what to do and need help. I'm thinking of getting the D paperwork ready for her when she comes back after work.

Honestly, I'm in a position I've never been.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

If I'm reading your story right, your wife had a prior EA, then sometime after that, you caught her in a PA. Same guy?

Either way, your wife is now in the serial cheater category. You gave her a second chance and she cheated again. She's blameshifting.

I would never encourage R with a serial cheater. I would never encourage R with a non remorseful spouse. It appears you have both.

Particularly, if you have no children; put her in your rear view mirror and find someone else that will be faithful to you. History is the best predictor of future behavior.


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## HappilyMarrried (Jan 17, 2014)

Different guy, 

In fact I think this guy was a HS squeeze or something. I've met him, he's really nice, I think they're perfect for each other.

No children, married for 12 years, lived in Germany, Arizona, Hawaii, and now Utah. We've done a ton of fun stuff in our life, and I'm really at a loss as to why. 

So I guess I should lawyer up?

Should I kick her out of the house, I mean what should I do?


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Very sorry for what you are going through. I would suggest:
1. Get tested for STD's
2. See a lawyer immediately to understand your options.

Your wife shows absolutely no remorse for her affairs and her betraying you. It is time to move on and hopefully find someone in the future who can truly love and respect you which your wife does not. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

The choice to D is yours, but I believe it's a reasonable one. If you have made that choice, you can't legally force her out of the house. You can ask her to leave, and she might. My wife did.

If she won't, separate her from your bedroom. She leaves it, not you. Implement the 180 to help you detach from her (google it), lawyer up, separate your finances. Keep away from her as much as possible, talk to her as little as possible, and find something to keep you busy away from the house. Don't get in any other relationship until the D is final.

It's not easy to do this of course. But before you succumb to any display of remorse on her part; please post back. We can help you along, even if you decide to consider R down the road.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

^^ agree with all the above.

I would also stay in recon. you might get some more info.

unless you don't need it.


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## HappilyMarrried (Jan 17, 2014)

I called and talked to a lawyer. 200 an hour and 2k for reatainer. This seems like a lot, but then again I've never talked to a lawyer???


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

First, if you rug sweep like you did before, she has no reason to stop. If you can accept an open marriage, then just fuss at her a little. She will say she is sorry and be more careful next time. You need to quit checking up on her too.

If, on the other hand, you want to R or D, you need to file for D now. The WS needs to see concrete and swift repercussions from their actions. Someone needs to move out for a bit, even just to a motel for a few days. You could stop wearing your wedding rings. 

Do not beg her to stay. Tell her that you want her to be happy. If the OM makes her happy, that’s what should have. She has to work her way back to you. 

Look here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/148497-divorce-even-if-you-might-reconcile.html


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

I think you already know your answer and it sounds like you feel ready to just move on with your life due to the damage she has already caused. I personally am a straight forward person. I would start separating your finances. Open new accounts ect. I would get a app with a lawyer and find out the rights you have. Once that is done I would ask her to leave and if she does not want to leave then I would have her move into a separate bedroom. I do agree 100% with the 180. If she does not want to move in the next room then I would. 

I am really sorry you are going through this. This being the second time I think its clear on what you need to do. Some people will just never change and you don't deserve to be cheated on. 

Clay


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

HappilyMarrried said:


> I called and talked to a lawyer. 200 an hour and 2k for reatainer. This seems like a lot, but then again I've never talked to a lawyer???


Sounds reasonable. Might be the best money you ever spent. 

Clay


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

yeah agreed, two affairs are more than enough,.

if you really want to divorce remember that threre is a big possiblity that you will see a total change once you tell her you are filing divorce, she may jump on you and become sexually agressive towards you and sweet and attentive as never before, but this is just temporary and many other WW have done it before.

she may also insist that there was never a PA and that all is in your mind, she may even make you doubt about yourself, but again this is also made by alot of WW.

lastly if for any reason you are considering R, arrenge a polygraph test to find the truth about all his paramours, most cheaters confess all the truth minutes before taking the text.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

also you should implement 180º to detach from her.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Given the situation you've described, your choice of a "handle" is somewhat of an oxymoron. You don't sound very "happily married" to me. Anyway, depending on how much love you have in your heart for this lady, you need to do everything you can to see if you two can put this behind you. If it ends up that there can be no reconciliation, then at least you will know you gave your marriage every possible chance. Good luck in whatever you decide to do. It's good to come here. There are a lot of people who can give you good advice and council. It's a good place, too, to just be able to vent your frustrations.


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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

HappilyMarrried said:


> I called and talked to a lawyer. 200 an hour and 2k for reatainer. This seems like a lot, but then again I've never talked to a lawyer???



Actually, it's a very reasonable rate assuming that she/he is any good. Mine is $350.00/hour and $5,000.00 retainer but she is worth every penny.


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## HappilyMarrried (Jan 17, 2014)

Ok, so I guess the divorce lawyer rate is ok. I'll call them back and get things going. We just had the talk, she's going home for a while. She agreed to be reasonable and everything about it, as did I. She said she doesn't really want anything, but I'm going to insist on splitting things evenly.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

HappilyMarrried said:


> Ok, so I guess the divorce lawyer rate is ok. I'll call them back and get things going. We just had the talk, she's going home for a while. She agreed to be reasonable and everything about it, as did I. She said she doesn't really want anything, but I'm going to insist on splitting things evenly.


HappilyMarried,

Despite your matter of fact writing style (as well as mine), I know you're hurting and I'm sorry you're here. Most of us have been where you're at. Some have divorced, some have attempted R.

You have to do what's best for YOU. We're here for help and support either way.


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## HappilyMarrried (Jan 17, 2014)

Of course I'm hurting, but I guess I've been mentally prepared for it for some time. The first time it happened it broke my heart, but I think since that has already happened, I'm going through some other grieving stage. Honestly, I'm trying tokeep it together and stay strong and get this crap storm over with so I can figure out the next chapter of my life. Not sure what that entails really, in the short term a lot of pain and the financial stuff isn't going to be fun either.


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## HappilyMarrried (Jan 17, 2014)

Well, I haven't been doing to well lately. Started having panic attacks, thought I was having a heart attack, but the doctors sent me home with anti depressants and Xanax. Needless to say, I'm not doing well. I can't believe this is happening after 12 years. The worst part about it the wife left to go "home" for a while, obviously with him and here I am ****ing stuck at home trying to sort through the misery. I feel so empty, the house is so empty. She just gets to leave, this sucks so bad.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

HappilyMarrried said:


> Well, I haven't been doing to well lately. Started having panic attacks, thought I was having a heart attack, but the doctors sent me home with anti depressants and Xanax. Needless to say, I'm not doing well. I can't believe this is happening after 12 years. The worst part about it the wife left to go "home" for a while, obviously with him and here I am ****ing stuck at home trying to sort through the misery. I feel so empty, the house is so empty. She just gets to leave, this sucks so bad.


So just what do you want to happen here?


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## HappilyMarrried (Jan 17, 2014)

What do you mean?


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

HappilyMarrried said:


> What do you mean?


Well, do you want help busting up the affair with exposure, separation or divorce advice, whatever.

Sorry you're here. We know your pain.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

HappilyMarrried said:


> I called and talked to a lawyer. 200 an hour and 2k for reatainer. This seems like a lot, but then again I've never talked to a lawyer???


*That's cheaper legal fees than I had here in Central Texas! BTW, what are your ages, and is or was your W heavily into Facebook? Was just wondering!*


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

HM

You can hire the lawyer, get the D ready and hand her papers.

Or you can do all of the above but send a quick email to friewnds, family and loved ones just updating them.

"Dear F,F and Loved Ones,

B!tch and I are divorcing. She decided to take all her past emotional affairs and escalate her new BF into a physical affair.

At my medical checkup as my blood was being drawn for an AIDS/STD test (thankyou B!tch) I have decided she is truly not worth it.

So we have decided on D and I have decided to replace her with someone younger, prettier, smarter and not a *****.

Say a prayer for her. She needs them I don't.

HM"

That is how I would do it.

But it is your decision.

HM


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## HappilyMarrried (Jan 17, 2014)

Well, I want to get her out of my life as quickly as possible and to not have to pay her any alimony. So I'm attempting to be Mr. Nice guy, just to get the ***** out of my life without going through a contested D. 

Yes she was heavily into Facebook which seems to be the root of all evil, we're 34 and 35. 

Post D, there would be nothing I'd love more to tell her family. 

Those words happyman are about perfect, and I do mean perfect. I will post them when the paperwork is done.


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