# wife wants separation and I'm a little freaked out



## MrPink (May 23, 2012)

Ok, I never thought I'd be posting online, but I need some support and advice from somewhere.

My wife and I are in our mid to late thirties, I've been with my wife for 18 years (married 7), we have two beautiful children (7 and 2). I went through a major depression due to work for the last 10 months and she has been my rock for me the whole time. She has tried everything to snap me out of it but I've been in a fog and just not happy all the time. It happened just a year after we had our second child (which we tried for several years due to inftertility) and we just bought a house and everything was supposed to be perfect and happy. However this depression sent me spiraling.. for a long time. Now that I got it managable and feel somewhat better due to some changes at work and a proper medication dosage which took months to figure out, I am too late for my family. My wife reached the end of her rope after keeping it all bottled up for months and told me she wants some time to figure out what she wants. It was like a bombshell to me. I knew she had been unhappy, but we had a weekend apart and she started adding up more things throughout our 18 years together that just started making her think that we were not compatible. 

We are a great team with the kids, house, daily functions, have a lot of mutual friends we grew up with, and sex was still great between us, we hadn't had a big fight in a long time, but we do bicker and not respect each other as much as we should. But the scar tissue is just too much for her and I'm having a hard time trying to deal with this as we have a new house, 2 young happy children, and what I thought a pretty great life. 

It has been three weeks since this nightmare started and I have tried to give her space by staying at my moms or her staying with her bff and sometimes I stay at home and sleep in the other room. But this hasn't been enough space for her. It's also been very hard to give her the space especially when I stay there and I end up just making her feel uncomfortable. She says she still just doesn't know what she wants. I've pleaded with her that I am feeling much better now with my depression and am ready to give our relationship the attention it deserves, but she still insists that I get an apartment and live on my own for a while since I never have, and learn to take care of myself and that I'm too dependent on her. To some extent I agree I have been very dependent on her due to the tough last 10 months I've had but I am trying everything I can to save my marriage and stay in the house with my family. I have been overcompensating since this happened by giving her great mothers day, helping her with anything, being nice, complementing her, loving her... but she has only been cordial back to me and still keeps the distance.

I have been a counsellor see by myself throughout these months I've been dealing with the anxiety and depression from work and yesterday we visited him together and it was one of the hardest things ever for me. She spent most of the time talking about how we are just friends and don't have the loving relationship and respect that a married couple should have. She takes most of the blame for it because she always wanted me around all thsese years and wanted to always "take care" of me instead of letting me live on my own first. I disagree and think I can stand up and be the man she wants me to be. Not just for her but for myself because I want to. 

Anyway, I'm trying to stay sane and trying to hang on by a thread. I feel we have way too much invested to risk it by splitting up and having a "trial separation". I'm a little afraid she will get wooed by someone else (if she hasn't already) and I will never get my chance again to try.

I wish it was easier, but there are so many complications and we have always had a different relationship than most, but I love her more than anything and can't and don't want to let go of this.

Any adivce?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, first, you are in a horrible spot and of course you feel awful. That's normal. And you need to take care of yourself, especially since you are just coming off a long depression. The fact that you have counselors involved is excellent.

Secondly, talk to people. Talk to your friends, your family if you can, talk to people here.

You will hear all kinds of different opinions on here. Many people will assure you that your wife is having an affair. Maybe she is, maybe she isn't. Maybe she's just tired of everything and needs a break. None of us know that -- it's all good information that you can use, but don't let yourself be too buffeted by varying views. Just take the assurance, and the support.

It does sound like you are smothering her a little bit right now. Someone here will surely link you to the 180, which you might use a bit of right now.

I'm sure you will get many other good pieces of advice. I'm glad you found TAM. Good luck to you.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

MrPink said:


> . I'm a little afraid she will get wooed by someone else (if she hasn't already)


Do you suspect?


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## MrPink (May 23, 2012)

Amplexor said:


> Do you suspect?


I have been smothering her for a while now with my depression. She is a social butterfly and has many friends. She has always been friends with more guys. Even when we were together as young adults, she would be like one of the guys with all our friends. That was never a problem with me. All of our guy friends are mutual and she doesn't want to involve any of them. 

So, yes she found an emotional friend recently. She has talked and texted him but assures me they are just friends and she hasn't done anything wrong. The only othe thing she would share with me is that I don't know him. I know she is getting some kind of attention I have not been there to give her, but after being with this woman all my life I am very confident that it has only been an emotional relationship. We just know each other too well and I know I could tell if there was something else. Like I said, up until this separation, sex was pretty good and normal between us. She is sorry that it was bad timing and all, but they are still in contact and I can't do anything about that. It's been playing a toll on me, but I know how she will react if I get pissed off about it. She will turn and get pissed at me in return and it will become more of a permanent wedge between us which will fuel hostility and make things worse especially with the kids.

If we didn't have two young children, a house and life together, I may be more prone to standing up for this, but right now I feel like there is a chance that she will come back around and will be able to break this whatever it is off with him because I know what ever it is, it just started about the same time she told me she wanted to separate and she was looking for some attention.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Oh, dear...


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## MrPink (May 23, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Oh, dear...


I know... a real mess huh?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Keep yourself safe, MrPink -- financially, legally, emotionally.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Yeah... your wife is at the very least having an emotional affair with this guy. The time and space are for her to decide whether to make him plan A or not. She's just waiting for the high sign from him. Others with more experience in this sort of thing will chime in here.


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## SabrinaBlue (Apr 18, 2012)

MrPink said:


> So, yes she found an emotional friend recently. She has talked and texted him but assures me they are just friends and she hasn't done anything wrong. The only othe thing she would share with me is that I don't know him. I know she is getting some kind of attention I have not been there to give her, but after being with this woman all my life I am very confident that it has only been an emotional relationship. *We just know each other too well and I know I could tell if there was something else. * Like I said, up until this separation, sex was pretty good and normal between us. She is sorry that it was bad timing and all, but they are still in contact and I can't do anything about that. It's been playing a toll on me, but I know how she will react if I get pissed off about it. She will turn and get pissed at me in return and it will become more of a permanent wedge between us which will fuel hostility and make things worse especially with the kids.


Bolded for emphasis because - and I hate to be the one to tell you - almost everyone whose spouse gets involved in a physical affair (PA) will think or say that. She's already in an emotional affair (EA) that you say you can't stop. Brother, I am deeply worried for the future of your marriage right now.

Tell her she's got to cut contact with this guy immediately. Just because you were in a depression doesn't give her license to "get some kind of attention" that you weren't really able to give her during that time. She could've found a nice girl friend to confide in; instead, she chose a man she claims you don't even know. Big red flag, my friend. Huge.

It's good that you're in counseling. But if your marriage is to stand a chance, she's got to end her side gig with the other man. Otherwise, her asking you to move out just smacks of her asking you to clear out so she can deepen her relationship with him.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Mr.pink, find the man she is having the affair with and get the dirt on him. Thn expose him and her wide and far. Because you sir are being played by a woman who is cheating and wants to dump you to make room for her bf.

Hire a PI to help locate him. He is out there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Which phone is she using? 

Can you check her emails? Or other secret accounts?

You need to act quick before it gets physical, if not already.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Oh, dear...


Yes, I guess those people who suspect an affair when the spouse checks out might just be right part of the time after all.  I know some people really want to believe that ILYBINILWY speech isn't a useful barometer. But the truth is, affairs are secrets hidden away _on purpose_ by a spouse who isn't brave enough to divorce a spouse before dating. You take your clues where you can find them and while one needn't assume there's always an affair, it's important to rule one out when these words are uttered by your life partner.

I'm sorry you're here MrPink. Some people might bristle at the use of the word "affair" so let's not call it that. Let's say, she has found a member of the opposite sex who has become her confidant. She has developed a secret hidden relationship with them, and she is telling him her hopes/dreams/fears and is investing all energy in that direction. As a result, she is not doing the same within the marriage. Most people would consider this a betrayal.

A 'friendship' like this generally starts with the best of intentions. However, it is never appropriate to confide your marital problems to someone who you might find sexually attractive. It is a slippery slope toward becoming infatuated with them and it sounds very much like that is what has happened here.

Essentially, you've received the I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You speech (that's the acronym in my first paragraph). It signals that she is likely beyond the friendship stage with this person and she believes she's in love with him (not real love, it's infatuation, but that is how she feels).

I agree with Shaggy, your first order of business is to find out who this person is. Does she work outside the home--could it be a co-worker? Neighbor? Ex-boyfriend?


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## trish79 (May 25, 2012)

MrPink - have you not involved your wife in your therapy sessions? If not, shame on you. Depression affects the whole house, kids included. Sounds like you've been checked out for some time b/c of personal issues - the fact is that your wife has had to bear the brunt of everything on her own w/out you to rely on (b/c you've been checked out) - kids, work, bills, her own womanly needs for attention, affection. Why is it so hard for men to understand this? You seem to recognize the impact of your personal issues on your marriage, but this goes pretty deep. My husband has been depressed, cheated on me multiple times and has his own job and emotional issues. I have not cheated on him, nor found solace in another man. I've worn this pain on my sleeve alone - MrPink - that is tough for any woman to do.
Reach out to your wife - get her into your therapy sessions quick. She has been handling this on her own and it's deeply affected her. She may be friends with this guy and finding someone to actually listen to her b/c she's lost the ability to depend on you for this amongst other things. Time to reset and make her a priority in your life if she'll let you.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

It may very well be the case that MrPink's issues place the marriage in a very vulnerable state. But you know what a mature adult does? What you did. They don't cheat. That doesn't mean that anyone should just lie down and take being treated poorly in a marriage. But his wife is a grownup. If she felt that they would have benefitted from marriage counseling, or her participating in his IC, then she could have spoken up too.

It's hard to say how long this has been going on--and why would that be? Because his wife has kept him very neatly in the dark about her "friend." He doesn't even know who this person is--and she won't tell him. That speaks volumes right there.

Marriage counseling can be terrific. My husband and I have luckily found an excellent counselor who is trained to deal with infidelity and he does it with sensitivity and fairness without sweeping anything under the rug or letting my FWH off the hook.

But I've also been through MC--6+ months of it, in fact, with a different counselor--while my husband was secretly in an emotional affair. And I can tell you, while she maintains contact with her "friend" any such MC is not only a waste of money but also a waste of time.

If you're wondering why, it's very simple. When you're infatuated with someone while married to someone else, you are not going to open up and bare your soul in MC. No, you already have a "counselor" and his name is "secret friend." No one, and I mean no one, does the heavy lifting that MC takes while infatuated with someone else. MC is HARD WORK and emotional affairs are the fluffiest of cotton candy fantasies. She has found an escape and she is going to be powerfully motivated to protect it.

Why should she give it up first? Well, why should she be entitled to have her cake and eat it too? Why should the OP put a tremendous amount of effort to change while she dangles him on her string and takes her time making up her mind about what she wants in life? The OP could be an ogre and that doesn't make what she's doing right or fair.

So, OP, again, your best shot at sorting this out is first, figuring out who the OM is. There will be lots and lots of time for counseling later, but she has to show a willingness to be committed to the marriage. Assuming (I just throw that out there for the people still doubting) that this is an emotional affair, she will have to end contact with this person before MC will have any measureable effect.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

trish79 said:


> MrPink - have you not involved your wife in your therapy sessions? If not, shame on you. Depression affects the whole house, kids included. Sounds like you've been checked out for some time b/c of personal issues - the fact is that your wife has had to bear the brunt of everything on her own w/out you to rely on (b/c you've been checked out) - kids, work, bills, her own womanly needs for attention, affection. Why is it so hard for men to understand this? You seem to recognize the impact of your personal issues on your marriage, but this goes pretty deep. My husband has been depressed, cheated on me multiple times and has his own job and emotional issues. I have not cheated on him, nor found solace in another man. I've worn this pain on my sleeve alone - MrPink - that is tough for any woman to do.
> Reach out to your wife - get her into your therapy sessions quick. She has been handling this on her own and it's deeply affected her. She may be friends with this guy and finding someone to actually listen to her b/c she's lost the ability to depend on you for this amongst other things. Time to reset and make her a priority in your life if she'll let you.


For shame!


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

MrPink said:


> So, yes she found an emotional friend recently. She has talked and texted him but assures me they are just friends and she hasn't done anything wrong.


In an EA they always claim they are "just a friend" and that they've done nothing wrong. And in general, they believe that if they haven't slept with them yet. 





MrPink said:


> The only othe thing she would share with me is that I don't know him. I know she is getting some kind of attention I have not been there to give her, but after being with this woman all my life I am very confident that it has only been an emotional relationship.


Sorry you are being naive here. An emotional bond with someone besides your spouse is just about as fast a way to destroy a marriage as any. Make no mistake about this, her wanting to separate has a lot more to do with TOM than it does with your past behavior. You are setting yourself up for failure the longer you let it go on.




MrPink said:


> If we didn't have two young children, a house and life together, I may be more prone to standing up for this, but right now I feel like there is a chance that she will come back around.


You are not standing up for your kids by not standing up for your marriage. She is slipping further and further away very quickly.



,


MrPink said:


> it just started about the same time she told me she wanted to separate and she was looking for some attention.


What part of the math isn't making sense to you here?? This is textbook. She's pushing you out now that she's found someone else.


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

Take it from me, don't leave. Don't smother her, but be there for the kids. Let her be the one to move out if she needs space to sort out her feelings for the OM. 

It took me time away to realize what I needed to do/how to behave. And it all has to do with how I feel about myself, not her.


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