# Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?



## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

*Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*

I do not know why the conversation came up. I think we were watching TV and the show was about adultery. Anyway, my wife of 18 years blurts out. If you ever cheat on me, I am going to make your life a living hell. Before I responded, I was thinking what an *******. Here is the person in the relationship who rarely initiates and I have never done anything remotely close to wondering off the marital path.

So I responded, Ok and if you cheat what should I do? Her response, I would never cheat. I said never say never. I decided to tell her what I would do. I told her I would not give her the benefit of letting her know I know. I told her I would meet with an attorney and treat her as a piece of business and just file for divorce without discussing it with her.

She started laughing and called me an *******. Anyway, what a stupid conversation.:rofl:


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*

I have had those conversations. I think they come from a place of fear and anxiety.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*

Before we were married we had the discussion of potential marriage ending moments and how we felt about various offenses.We needed to be sure we both understood what the other considered was a EA,PA,etc. It was a useful conversation that I'm glad we took the time to have.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*



ScarletBegonias said:


> Before we were married we had the discussion of potential marriage ending moments and how we felt about various offenses.We needed to be sure we both understood what the other considered was a EA,PA,etc. It was a useful conversation that I'm glad we took the time to have.


STBW and I had that conversation as well. While it is nice to be of completely like mind, each knowing what the others deal breakers are, even if they aren't exactly the same is crucial before getting too far in.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*

I think it's healthy to ask *WHAT IF * scenarios while dating, throughout our marriages...it shows we are still learning of each other... we still care how each other feels... we're still listening....taking time for those deeper discussions...not to just assume how the other would be, feel, react ... but ASK!

Being the curious woman I am... I've always been one who asked many questions....thankfully this has never bothered my husband....I genuinely want to know how he feels on Everything.. and I like to share how I feel as well...the bouncing back & forth... this leads to intimacy and understanding at the same time...and learning each others deal breakers as well. 

What has he learned...on either side, it would rip our hearts out and something irreplaceable would be lost forever between us....I see a sexless marriage on Par with cheating... he probably doesn't.. We are both very forgiving people - depending...not doormats... But neither of us can imagine it happening as close as we are...yet we both understand ... "Never say Never" ...we are only human and need to continue to stir our hearts towards each other & keep the sex life happening.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*

Well, she stayed with me. But she told me along time ago if I ever did cheat again I would get a Lorena Bobbitt!!!

Yep, I'll divorce her 1st before cheating. But then again, she told me she would take me to the cleaners if I did divorce her, lol. Either way I'm screwed....


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*

We had the conversation before we got married. I found my wife's answer upsetting. Basically she said if I didn't embarrass her publicly with the OW, and that I didn't have feelings for the OW she could look past it. I guess I wanted her to take a more hardline approach. 

Sadly I did end up cheating. True to her word my wife was only concerned if I had feelings for someone else. Once she was assured I didn't have feelings for anyone else she was ok. That was over ten years ago and sometimes I feel like she is holding it all in, but the reality is after this much time I think she meant what she said. There wasn't anything keeping her in the marriage, at the time she was working and we were also childless.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*

I've had the conversation. I think there's some bravado when we have these talks, but I think ultimately until you face that situation in your own marriage, you don't know how you'll react. I think it's easy for me to say "I'll divorce you and make it painful as possible," and I've said it, but who knows, maybe I'll want to reconcile depending on the whether it's an EA or PA. I've known friends whose spouses reassured them that they would never cheat only to end up doing so. So while it's a good conversation to have, I don't also expect people go through with the threats they say. You might be in a different state of mind when D-Day happens.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*



ReformedHubby said:


> We had the conversation before we got married. I found my wife's answer upsetting. Basically she said if I didn't embarrass her publicly with the OW, and that I didn't have feelings for the OW she could look past it. I guess I wanted her to take a more hardline approach. *Wow. I have heard that that is how the aristocracy used to handle this, though.*
> 
> Sadly I did end up cheating. True to her word my wife was only concerned if I had feelings for someone else. Once she was assured I didn't have feelings for anyone else she was ok. That was over ten years ago and sometimes I feel like she is holding it all in, but the reality is after this much time I think she meant what she said. There wasn't anything keeping her in the marriage, at the time she was working and we were also childless. *Are you kind of disappointed she was not upset? Like, how deep is her love for you? Or is that not it at all?*.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*

We also discussed such issues. Even though we have an open relationship, there are still boundaries and expectations of behavior and disclosure that if violated would be cheating. If we do want to get involved with anyone else, we normally discuss it in advance and check in often on how things are going, and if necessary, make mid-course corrections. There is really no reason to hide anything, so we are not really worried about cheating.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*

*I've had two marriages with two vastly different women who both eventually succumbed to cheating and infidelity, and both brought about from their extracurricular activity!

I can honestly say that I never had "the conversation" with either, primarily because I loved both beyond compassion and greatly thought that doing so was tantamount to exhibiting insecurity to the "nth degree!" Nor did either of them ever ask me!

To that end, if there's ever going to be another Mrs. Arbitrator, you can bet your sweet a$$ that she will be fastly querried on that particular subject matter, and I would fully expect her to ask the same from me!

I can no longer afford the luxury of making faulty assumptions!*


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*



ReformedHubby said:


> We had the conversation before we got married. I found my wife's answer upsetting. Basically she said if I didn't embarrass her publicly with the OW, and that I didn't have feelings for the OW she could look past it. *I guess I wanted her to take a more hardline approach*.
> 
> Sadly I did end up cheating. True to her word my wife was only concerned if I had feelings for someone else. Once she was assured I didn't have feelings for anyone else she was ok. That was over ten years ago and sometimes I feel like she is holding it all in, but the reality is after this much time I think she meant what she said. There wasn't anything keeping her in the marriage, at the time she was working and we were also childless.


I think in that situation I'd feel the same as you (bolded section). I answered this in a thread in another section of TAM. If my husband just forgave infidelity too easily, I'd lose some respect for him and I'd wonder if he really loved me enough to feel betrayal. I'd want him to take a hardline stance against infidelity. I'd want him to be utterly devasated and very angry. Anything less than that would make me think he's not all that into me so he can easily move past the infidelity. My two cents...


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*

I don't at all take it to mean she doesn't love me. I took it to mean that she loves me too much to leave me for a mistake. I certainly don't think she is giving me a green light to cheat. She just doesn't view it as a deal breaker.

I guess you would have to know my wife. I'd imagine that quite a few folks on TAM would be put off by her opinions on relationships. The folks on CWI would probably tear her apart.

However, I don't think you'll see women like my wife ever posting in CWI, but I know there are others like her. All the women in her family are this way including her mother. I knew she had this opinion, but I was unaware that pretty much her whole family did too. I guess some cultures and families have a different view point of adultery. 

She certainly had a right to leave, but she didn't. I've made sure over time what she would not regret this decision.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*

RH, is she French?

I'm only kind of kidding. The Europeans do seem more tolerant of this sort of thing.

Or is she from a wealthy family? Like the aristocracy's way of handling things . . . that could explain it.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*

Okay, I just asked dh what would happen if I cheated on him. He told me he would be very hurt, very sad, and very angry. He would want to know why, and we would go to counseling. He said he doubted he would divorce me, but this would not be "no big deal".


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*



> *ReformedHubby said*: *I don't at all take it to mean she doesn't love me. I took it to mean that she loves me too much to leave me for a mistake. I certainly don't think she is giving me a green light to cheat. She just doesn't view it as a deal breaker*.


Reformed Hubby.... my husband would probably be seen as a wuss cause I think he would be very similar to your wife.. from our talks.. it would not be an automatic deal breaker for him either.... though (his words)...he'd NEVER LOOK AT ME THE SAME AGAIN, and something between us would be lost forever.. that in itself.. would destroy ME...his trust would be gone... he probably wouldn't want to touch me either for a time ....but If I was remorseful, still loved him... he'd want to keep our family intact.. 

My feelings...after coming into my own High Drive spell & realizing how tormenting this can be ...just imagining what it would have been like to be rejected by my own husband...it would have killed me inside...When I landed here....reading all these sexless marriage stories, I had a tremendous amount of compassion on these spouses..... then beating myself up for not being there MORE for him in our past...the way he was for me in Mid life... (though I caused a fuss, he never did) 

Just discussing these things...in more detail... my own reactions..(or so I feel).....if he was suffering, he fought with me for more sex ....and there I was... rejecting ....turning a blind eye....he voiced his needs to have me basically push him away emotionally COLD & aloof....(how often does this happen in marriages - my own Parents dealt with it- my dad stepped out but he never hid it)

...if after that...my husband "fell into the arms of another" - yet couldn't live with himself...and remorsefully came to me on his own....I DO believe I could forgive that ...if what he wanted all along was his wife -but fell in a moment of weakness... not ongoing lying deceit, a hot secret flame type thing...(I would see these varying situations weighing on different scales so to speak)......

For me, too much sexual rejection in a marriage (to the point of causing emotional pain) -I see it as a *betrayal of the vows *in itself.. so maybe I am a little twisted on this.. but there it is...


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## Browneyedgurl020610 (Apr 18, 2012)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*

Yes we have had this convo. I don't see this ever happening BUT if it did I always told myself I would never take back a cheater and they were pond scum. But the man I have been with for 7 years is not just some high school boyfriend. He is my husband and father of my soon-to-be child. That is a long time and a child will be involved. Since I know he has never cheated on me and if it happened only once instead of a long time affair, I might be able to take him back. Trust issues would clearly be there and it would be really hard to ever forgive or forget, but I would be willing to try. My mom gave up on 3 husband just because she didn't want o deal with all the issues. Marriage to me is sacred, and if for some reason this one does not work out, I will just live in sin with boyfriends lol.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*

I was married twice. In both cases we talked about deal breakers. I was asked what I want out of a relationship.

My answer was what I want, I shouldn't have to ask for. It should be a give in any relationship.

Don't lie to me. If there is a problem, spit it out. I'm not a mind reader and if I'm doing something wrong, tell me then it's up to me to fix it. Same thing goes for her. She can't read my mind either.

Don't cheat on me. If your not happy and want out, then tell me. Yeah, I'll be mad and I'll be hurt but I would rather hear it from her then hear it on the street. At least after my anger passes and my hurt goes away, I could still have respect for you for telling me rather than cheating.

God how I wish they would have listened. Could have made things so much easier.


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## johnAdams (May 22, 2013)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*

I remember lying in bed having a conversation on this years before my wife's affair. She said if I ever had an affair she would forgive me, she said if she ever had an affair she knew I would never forgive her. You never know until it happens.....and hopefully it never happens to you.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*

Yes, we've had this conversation more than once. I've told her that I don't think we'd be able to reconcile because I do not believe she would have the humility to be truly remorseful. She's a rather proud woman, who's very hesitant to admit fault.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*

Two posts in and I have forgotten my promise to my H to nix the ebonics in social media in 2014. This post will be reflective of that. He say he never seen someone who writes worse than they talk; that most people write in ebonics because that's how they talk. He could see if I talked that way but I don't. So here goes in 2014!

Anyway, I digress. We had the conversation before marriage about dealbreakers. We mainly had it because of his past lifestyle, even though he initiate the conversation. We both said it was a dealbreaker and he has changed his position since being married. He said it would depend on the circumstances, but I still maintained it's a dealbreaker. Since we've had our first child, I confess it's no longer an automatic dealbreaker. I would consider the circumstances as well, EA, PA, any outside stimulant involved (we don't drink, not even beer and wine so if he ever decided to take one I'm sure he would be stinking drunk). I would also consider whether I caught him or he confess, whether he told lies, etc etc. 

I thought that would be a minority opinion when it started reading this thread but I see it is not.


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## timedoesnothealall (Sep 15, 2013)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*

The trouble with these conversations is that they're hypothetical. When betrayal is real and staring you squarely in the face, what was said "back then" seldom is the way that it plays out in real life.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*

I wonder if we had that conversation would it have made an iota of difference. 

Post her affair a recent comment from my WS during a minor blow-up (u tend to have these when one partner has cheated) was instructive...."It's nothing, it happens all the time!".

I told her that gave me "great comfort" for the foreseeable future. I also told her that if I get even a whiff of a molecule of straying, in any form, then we are finished.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*

My wife has always told me that if I cheated on her she would be gone and would take everything she could on the way out. I dont doubt her on this for a second. 

While I have never stated to her what I would do in such a situation, I have generally figured that I would take her back if she was remorseful and wanted to save the marriage. This because I've always had low self confidence and would not want the stress of dating, remarriage, etc. BUT. I've grown quite a bit in the last year and now honestly don't know what I would do. 

While I'm sure I could survive an emotional affair, I would probably not be able to get over a physical affair. The thought of my wife pleasuring another man and mental pictures that would accompany it would probably more than I could deal with in the long term.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*

When we were just dating, I made it crystal clear to my husband that cheating was a deal breaker for me. 

It became a gray area for several years when I saw that his mistress became the bottle. It was then that I expanded my definition of "cheating." 

I walked out almost 4.5 years ago. I won't be returning.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*

We had this discussion briefly because one of our friends caught her boyfriend of 5 years cheating with his ex and he gave her ridiculous excuses (ie I was drunk, she came on to me and it was only one time, blah blah). My hb jokingly said "what would my (meaning his) excuse be?". I told him he could think it over while he was packing his sh!t.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*

Yes we have had this conversation, in a respectful manner. I think it would be totally remiss to not have it.

I have zero tolerance for cheating, EA, PA makes no difference to me. I would never take back a cheater and I expect and give 100% loyalty. I would not enter into a serious relationship with a man that could not say the same.

I don't care if people don't want monogamy, it isn't a judgement call but I do ask that if a man wants to be in a serious relationship that it be monogamous. They have the chance to get out of the relationship early on if that is not the lifestyle for them.

So far cheating has never been an issue in my life.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*

We had this conversation before we got married and a couple of time during married life. It is very hypothetical and till it hits you in the stomach you never know the true answer. 

I personally still find it quite ironic that I usually answered the question that if she found someone else and thought she would be much happier then go. We would not have fights, we would have a nice easy 50/50 split. She goes her way, I go mine. I always told her this because I didn’t want the fights and hard feelings. I felt that she would find no one who would love her more than I or try and care for her more than I. She would just have to learn it the hard way.

She has an affair, bails out for fantasyland, it was fun for a few months and now her life is miserable. I have had almost a year of lies and battles and a simple divorce is nowhere near done. All she had to do is just say she found someone else and I would have signed anything to get it over with and done.

So yes we had this conversation, we both knew where we stood and we had boundaries clearly established. I wish she would have listened…


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## reesespieces (Aug 3, 2009)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*

My husband also said he'd make my life hell and would divorce me without any chance for reconciliation. DH is a rather "liberal" and more temperate guy when it comes to a lot of things in marriage-- he's okay with male friends, me emailing them to communicate and IM, meeting together as a group, etc. But he won't tolerate sexual infidelity. I think he's confused as to what EA's are, but if there's touching involved, all bets are off. I'd probably end up destitute and publicly humiliated, so lol no desire to cheat here.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*

We have not directly talk about what would happen in our marriage if one of us cheats but indirectly when talking about his brother and SIL, (she's cheating). My BIL is definitely my SIL's Plan B and both of us have stated we wouldn't stand for that in our own marriage and would probably divorce the other.

Recently, I was telling him what I would do if I was his brother, (SIL is in the fog). Real scorched earth type stuff. He responded, "Woman, thanks for reminding me to never cheat on you."


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*

Nope.

Never had that " if you were to ever cheat" type of conversation.

But we've had lots of : " _If I won the lottery I'd buy us and Island_ " kinda talks.

Then she reminds me that I hardly ever play.


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## TheCatfish (Jan 3, 2014)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*

I had this conversation and it's very different. She says "If you ever cheated on me, that would be the end of our relationship." and I completely understand her even though she cheated many times on her husband.

I, however, said "If you cheated on me, I would think that you did because you wanted to and therefore you did. I would want to know what it was I was lacking in providing her that led her to that decision or maybe it was just the heat of the moment. None the less, not the end of the world."

I was then told how I didn't love her enough and it became a whole different argument at that point. The fact is, she is not my slave and nor am I hers and I felt that I was more concerned about what I was not providing her instead of feeling like I was just stabbed in the back. What am I doing wrong?


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*



gonefishin said:


> I do not know why the conversation came up. I think we were watching TV and the show was about adultery. Anyway, my wife of 18 years blurts out. If you ever cheat on me, I am going to make your life a living hell. Before I responded, I was thinking what an *******. Here is the person in the relationship who rarely initiates and I have never done anything remotely close to wondering off the marital path.
> 
> So I responded, Ok and if you cheat what should I do? Her response, I would never cheat. I said never say never. I decided to tell her what I would do. I told her I would not give her the benefit of letting her know I know. I told her I would meet with an attorney and treat her as a piece of business and just file for divorce without discussing it with her.
> 
> She started laughing and called me an *******. Anyway, what a stupid conversation.:rofl:


No but she has told me that if I ever divorced her, she would make my life a living hell.

Guess this is the year I figure out if that living hell is worse than the living hell I already know.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*



TheCatfish said:


> I had this conversation and it's very different. She says "If you ever cheated on me, that would be the end of our relationship." and I completely understand her even though she cheated many times on her husband.
> 
> I, however, said "If you cheated on me, I would think that you did because you wanted to and therefore you did. I would want to know what it was I was lacking in providing her that led her to that decision or maybe it was just the heat of the moment. None the less, not the end of the world."
> 
> I was then told how I didn't love her enough and it became a whole different argument at that point. The fact is, she is not my slave and nor am I hers and I felt that I was more concerned about what I was not providing her instead of feeling like I was just stabbed in the back. What am I doing wrong?


I'm not sure taking responsibility for a womans affair is going to be very attractive to many women. Basically what you said was "Wife, if you cheat on me, I will take the blame for it."

She was probably seeing it as you not being really bothered if another man has her.

I know all that touchy feely take responsibility for anything your woman does wrong so she doesn't have to crap is really in right now, but it's a load of horse sh1t. Most women would have a hell of a lot more respect for a man who flat out tells her he won't share, and if she choses to share herself, he's done with her.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*

My husband would leave me immediately. Or rather, he might not leave but he would stop loving me and withdraw. Either way our relationship would be over.

It's one of the many reasons I think I would never ever cheat. There'd be no reconciliation nonsense.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*



Lyris said:


> My husband would leave me immediately. Or rather, he might not leave but he would stop loving me and withdraw. Either way our relationship would be over.
> 
> It's one of the many reasons I think I would never ever cheat. There'd be no reconciliation nonsense.


My STBW knows I don't share. I was married for 17 years to a woman with NPD and didn't divorce until she decided she liked my sons teacher better than me.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*

when it comes to cheating, my first response is to get a divorce.

i have already set up criteria that would allow for reconciliation. without these criteria, i will go for divorce.

number one: if my wife cheats, she must go no contact, immediately, when i find out. 
number two: she must be completely transparent. she must give me access to all of her accounts and show me all her text any time i want to see them.
number three: she must be willing to put up with any demand i place on her that i need in order to start trusting her again.


if my wife ever cheats, and she is not willing to do these things, it WILL end in divorce.

im not just saying these things. i have lived them. 
i give my wife credit for doing what needed to be done. she proved to me that she loves me.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*



As'laDain said:


> when it comes to cheating, my first response is to get a divorce.
> 
> i have already set up criteria that would allow for reconciliation. without these criteria, i will go for divorce.
> 
> ...


I know myself well enough to not even bother setting up any criteria, because no matter what they were, she would never be able to accomplish what I needed to trust her again.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*



samyeagar said:


> I know myself well enough to not even bother setting up any criteria, because no matter what they were, she would never be able to accomplish what I needed to trust her again.


i set up criteria to make myself feel better. if i get weak, i can just resort back to my plan that i already set up. it really has nothing to do with her.
it has to do with what i am able to accept. 
my wife surprised me.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*

I have never suffered infidelity and I won't.
Mrs. Conan and I had a discussion after our first date when we knew it was really serious between us. 

Among the things we discussed, I told her infidelity was an absolute deal breaker and unlike many, I meant it.

I gave her my life, my love, and everything I am and I demand and give sexual security.

She was both cheated on and cheated in 2 previous marriages.

22 years later, we are still going strong. I am a pretty freaky alpha though and she was the most determined and committed woman I had ever met, so we worked.
In a way, I think my hardliner stance and jealous possession of her affections, helped her be who she wanted to be.

She has told me she has never felt safer or more protected than with me. She has also told me she has never experienced sexual satisfaction like with me. I think it is mostly mental and emotional.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*

Since her affair I have, on two occasions told her that any further cheating, of any type, physical or not, is the deal breaker. It's pretty f**ked up - kind of like the deal is busted anyway. There is no conversation about anything "delicate' as she prepares for her first OS trip in her whole life. You could cut the air with a knife though. This is the first of 3 trips she has to make each year with her new position. I'm full of doubt about it as you can imagine and not a word from her, nothing. She's too excited about the next week to think about us or tune into my head space, and I of course don't want to be the party pooper.


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## TheCatfish (Jan 3, 2014)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*



samyeagar said:


> I'm not sure taking responsibility for a womans affair is going to be very attractive to many women. Basically what you said was "Wife, if you cheat on me, I will take the blame for it."
> 
> She was probably seeing it as you not being really bothered if another man has her.
> 
> I know all that touchy feely take responsibility for anything your woman does wrong so she doesn't have to crap is really in right now, but it's a load of horse sh1t. Most women would have a hell of a lot more respect for a man who flat out tells her he won't share, and if she choses to share herself, he's done with her.


You are absolutely right. I don't think women see that as very attractive at all but I can't and won't change who I am. She has always said "You don't love me, then" but I disagree. I do love her very much but she is her own person and doesn't belong to me so if she has decided that is something she wanted to do then it is what it is.[/


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*



TheCatfish said:


> You are absolutely right. I don't think women see that as very attractive at all but I can't and won't change who I am. She has always said "You don't love me, then" but I disagree. I do love her very much but she is her own person and doesn't belong to me so if she has decided that is something she wanted to do then it is what it is.[/


Yeah, I don't think it means you don't love her, but I think I understand were she is coming from in that. Many women and men enjoy, want, need certain mate guarding displays from their mates to feel comfortable and secure in the relationship. This is one of them. Saying 'hell no I'm not willing to share' is taken as a display of love by many, many people, and it seems your wife is one of them. It is a partner saying I will fight to protect you, to protect our relationship.

My STBW has told me she would almost assuredly be able to forgive an affair if I had one, especially if it was something like a drunken ONS. 

That has caused so many conflicting feelings in me. On one hand, she forgave her ex-husband many times, and so part of me feels like she should me as well because I bring a whole hell of a lot more to the table than he ever did. Another part of me feels like she must see everything I bring to the table and think it's worth it to her. But then there is the part of me that feels like she doesn't love me enough to protect me, to keep me for her own, to guard me.

Honestly, I would feel better if she flat out said she wouldn't share me.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*



TheCatfish said:


> You are absolutely right. I don't think women see that as very attractive at all but I can't and won't change who I am. She has always said "You don't love me, then" but I disagree. I do love her very much but *she is her own person and doesn't belong to me* so if she has decided that is something she wanted to do then it is what it is.[/


But her fidelity does belong to you. The marital contract you signed states that very clearly.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*

My wife and I had this conversation way back when we were starting to get serious, and then never again. I think once is enough. Get your feelings out there, and that's that.

If this is a recurring conversation in a relationship, I think it's because there's anxiety within, if not some mistrust.

My wife knows that my previous marriage ended because of infidelity, and she knows that I did not handle it well. She also knows that because of my experience in this field, that there are no second chances.

Mind you, I did not tell her this as a threat, and she does not take it as one. She knows that I already went through hell, and that if I ever found myself in that situation again, I'd pretty much disappear. She said she'd do the same thing. This ain't our first rodeo!

My wife and I respect each other more than our exes respected us, and we both recognize that. I trust that if she ever wanted to go in a different direction, that there wouldn't be any foul play involved, and that it'd be out in the open for discussion beforehand. In other words, if it ever gets to a point where we are tempted, we'd both recognize that there are problems between us, and we'd deal with those without ever going "that" route.


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## TheCatfish (Jan 3, 2014)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*



samyeagar said:


> But her fidelity does belong to you. The marital contract you signed states that very clearly.


You can't put a contract on another human being. That is just wrong.


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*



TheCatfish said:


> You can't put a contract on another human being. That is just wrong.


you put it on yourself if you agree to an exclusive relationship, you can always end it if you want other people, theres no reason or justification to cheating,


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## Microwavelove (Sep 11, 2013)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*

I don't think we've had a conversation like that since we were newlyweds. That's the type of conversation that usually doesn't end well. I do think they usually. come from a place of insecurity


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*

We've had this conversation several times. My husband thinks (because this is what I told him) that if he cheats on me, I will simply disappear - as in, he will never see me again. I am from a different country and we live in his country. I literally mean I would fly back to my home country and whatever happened after that would be between the lawyers. In actual fact, I don't know what I would do. I hope I never have to find out. But I told him this because he asked, and that was what I felt inside... I still think it's the most likely scenario, but it's certainly possible that if it happened, I would react any number of other ways.

He claims that he would forgive me, but the thought of cheating on him is so ridiculous to me that I don't give it any thought.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*



TheCatfish said:


> You can't put a contract on another human being. That is just wrong.


Fidelity is not a human being. It is a behavior, and behavior based contracts exist all over the place.

The standard marital contract strictly forbids sexual relations with anyone other than the person you entered into that contract with, therefore you are contractually giving your fidelity to your spouse, and they are contractually giving their fidelity to you. It really is that simple. Your partners fidelity belongs to you.


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## Cloaked (Sep 15, 2013)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*

my wife threaten to cut off my sixth appendage if I had one. I told her if she's unhappy with this marriage to just leave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*

Yes we have. I think that cheating will always come up somewhere and sometime in a relationship, especially if you have been crapped on in the past by someone you really loved, the fear, sadness, worry, of it happening again, and being able to put that trust in someone again, without worrying yourself sick not knowing, I think its better to have the conversation so you know exactly where you stand.

I have told my husband that i am not willing to go through all the heartbreak again, and if he feels the need to cheat then please do the decent thing and tell me before hand, so i can leave with dignity, and not have to live my life also thinking that everything is hunky dory, while hes playing around on me behind my back.

I have also told him that he has any problems with me, and hes not happy, or his feelings are changing then let me know.... I would rather him just go, rather than all the deceit, and everything that goes with it.

I will not be giving second chances, my husband is my world and i love him so much, but i will NEVER forgive or stay with him if he cheats on me.... I will never go through that pain again..... so he knows, that if he does do it then there is no going back.

I have never cheated, and i never would, he knows this, I do think talking about it is best.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*

I know my husband has cheated on me and he knows I know. So one night he told me it wasn't cheating if you were just engaged so I told him I don't see it as cheating if your with someone that has cheated and I would have no problem doing anything that he has done. His eyes got big when I said that. ha ha


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*



Thebes said:


> I know my husband has cheated on me and he knows I know. So one night he told me* it wasn't cheating if you were just engaged* so I told him I don't see it as cheating if your with someone that has cheated and I would have no problem doing anything that he has done. His eyes got big when I said that. ha ha


I just never understod that mindset. Sexual exclusivity is one of the FIRST parts of a new relationship to go exclusive. When people talk about exclusively dating a person, when the couple agrees to exclusivity, at the core of that is sexual exclusivity. So when I hear about the whole 'Last fling before the ring' thing, to me, it's nothing more than cheating before there are any legal ramifications of doing so.


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## AlmostYoung (May 24, 2012)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*



KathyBatesel said:


> I have had those conversations. I think they come from a place of fear and anxiety.


Right. If you (seriously, not just playing) have this conversation with your spouse then there are problems of trust that should be tended to.

Jealously and non-trust in a relationship is unhealthy... and not at all attractive in a partner. It really makes you look insecure.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

*Re: Have you ever had the "if you cheat on me conversation with wife of husband"?*



KathyBatesel said:


> *I have had those conversations. I think they come from a place of fear and anxiety*.


I think the conversation is a very important one to have for the exact situation I described below. Different people have different standards when it come to what exactly is cheating. I am not saying the partners need to have the exact same standard, but they should both be very clear where the other stands, what the boundaries are, and respect that in the other person.

A friend of mine was getting married a while ago, and his now wife had a bacchelorette party where there was a male stripper. The stripper used his erect penis to put whipped creame on her exposed breasts and proceed to lick it off while grinding on her. My friend found this out through pictures posted on Facebook. To me, this was cheating and raised a whole bunch of red flags, as it did with my friend. They worked through it and did end up marrying.

I told my STBW about the situation and she saw it as a very grey area. She agreed it was in bad taste and was wrong, but entirely forgivable. That if it hadn't been for the Facebook post, he never would have known and everything would have been fine, and that they weren't technically married yet.

We have slightly different boundaries on this, but both made our own clear. She knows that if something like that were to ever happen, it would not go over well with me at.all. no reasons, no excuses like being drunk.



samyeagar said:


> I just never understod that mindset. Sexual exclusivity is one of the FIRST parts of a new relationship to go exclusive. When people talk about exclusively dating a person, when the couple agrees to exclusivity, at the core of that is sexual exclusivity. So when I hear about the whole 'Last fling before the ring' thing, to me, it's nothing more than cheating before there are any legal ramifications of doing so.


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