# Interracial relationships



## Lady1010 (Dec 28, 2010)

What are most peoples take on the difficulties in an interracial marriage?

I am of Pakistani origin, grew up in North America. Mister is Caucasian from South Africa, grew up in North America. We are getting along really, really well. He is concerned about his parents who have lived all their lives through institutionalized racism/segragation in SA. They've held opinions against segregation, but when it comes to the two of us, his mum is "cautious".

I really like him and wouldn't want something like that to get in between us. My family will not have as much trouble with it. 

I haven't met his parents yet. But I am concerned (and a little angry that I would have to deal with the vestige of institutionalized racism. I have been lucky I guess to have never felt discriminated against in the large metropolitan city I live in.) I don't know how I would deal with this situation :s.


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

well really, how often would you see his parents (do they still live in SA?) and at the end of the day who is sitting next to you, him or them?

Don't worry about it


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lady1010 said:


> What are most peoples take on the difficulties in an interracial marriage?
> 
> I am of Pakistani origin, grew up in North America. Mister is Caucasian from South Africa, grew up in North America. We are getting along really, really well. He is concerned about his parents who have lived all their lives through institutionalized racism/segragation in SA. They've held opinions against segregation, but when it comes to the two of us, his mum is "cautious".
> 
> ...


Your family is from Pakistan. What do your parents think about you dating and marrying him?

Are you both of the same religion? If not what is your family’s take on this?


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

I think that you shouldn't worry about what anyone thinks about your relationship. I personally don't see how anyone could be against it; love is love. You love who you love, and that's okay. 

I understand you wanting to gain his parents' approval, but if they really love him, his happiness should matter the most to them. Just stay by his side through it all & good luck.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

IMHO it is often not the differences in RACE that cause problems with a relationship but more the different cultural outlooks.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Wiltshireman said:


> IMHO it is often not the differences in RACE that cause problems with a relationship but more the different cultural outlooks.



This, although, I will say that IMO, while it is nice to pretend all are color blind in my experience that is not really the case for any ethnic group as a whole. People notice differences, but it is how we deal with those differences that matter.


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

I'm bi-racial myself all my significant relationships have been interracial.

The issue isn't whether or not his parents have an issue with your interracial relationship...the issue is whether he cares whether or not his parents have an issue with your interracial relationship.

Believe me, me and my sisters have dealt with issues like this all of our lives and I can tell you that if you have a guy that cares about what friends and family think about your racial status...you need to dump him now.

After my marital separation, almost 5 years ago, I dated a guy (very attractive) who called me before a date that he had informed his friends that he was bringing me to the outing because he didn't want to be "that guy." I was confused and asked "what guy?" And he said, the guy that shows up at an event with his half-black girlfriend.

I was completely shocked and paused for a full 10 seconds and then told him that it wasn't an issue because I wouldn't be attending and no longer wanted to see him. 

He literally begged me for days to reconsider but there's no way I'd ever date anyone that made such a comment. Its insulting, demeaning and I have zero interest in someone who has friends superficial enough to care that my skin is a darker color than theirs is without even knowing me. I like the color of my skin anyway but its the least important thing about me and has nothing to do with who I am.

Two days later, I met the guy of my dreams. The guy who made that comment to me still contacts me every 6 months to see if I've broken up with my current partner. My current partner thinks everything about me is beautiful and proudly wants to bring me everywhere he goes. I love his family and they value me for who I am...not how I look.

I guarantee you that if your boyfriend loves you and values you, he won't care what his mother thinks on the issue. It isn't her problem. If he does care, you've got way bigger issues than just this because she'll impose her unneeded opinion on many issues and he won't be strong enough to deal with her.

Never let anyone tell you that you're anything less than what you are based on superficial nonsense. You deserve to have a guy who understands how beautiful, special and unique you are and won't let other people interfere in your relationship. Have the dignity and sense of self-worth to stand up for you.


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

> IMHO it is often not the differences in RACE that cause problems with a relationship but more the different cultural outlooks.


I think any two people who have a basic respect for each other can easily overcome these types of things.

Variety is a wonderful thing. It really is the spice of life. I can't imagine how freaking boring it would be to be with someone with exactly the same background as me. (Its unlikely to happen given my upbringing anyway).

I see soooooo many boring as ass couples walking around...there's nothing about those relationships that strikes me as exciting or fun. There just borrrrrringgggg. They literally seem to me like the walking dead.


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## Binji (Jun 25, 2014)

Nikita2270 said:


> I think any two people who have a basic respect for each other can easily overcome these types of things.
> 
> Variety is a wonderful thing. It really is the spice of life. I can't imagine how freaking boring it would be to be with someone with exactly the same background as me. (Its unlikely to happen given my upbringing anyway).
> 
> I see soooooo many boring as ass couples walking around...there's nothing about those relationships that strikes me as exciting or fun. There just borrrrrringgggg. They literally seem to me like the walking dead.


I'm sorry love, but I think you need to re-evaluate yourself. Can you explain this word "boring"? If two people that are of the same race are in a loving relationship they are boring? And it seems as you base your life on needing to be in a fun and exciting relationship. To me when I hear those words, it's usually from girls that have gone through some childhood trauma, and partake in many relationships involving "excitement" and "fun", that lead to a road of destruction. 

What is a boring ass Couple? and Why do you need a fun and exciting relationship?

Variety is good, but you can have variety in an intra-racial relationships as well. Most people choose the same person with the background as them, for compatibility reasons, cultural reasons, and just basic family structural reasons. Marriage isn't some big disney world amusement park ride where excitement last forever. When the shiny wears off, the real nuts and bolts work begins. 

Some people are mature enough to know that fun and exciting is good, but basing a relationship on these hedonistic values, pales in comparison, to being stable, safe, and compatible.


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## jane1213 (Aug 10, 2012)

Nikita2270 said:


> I think any two people who have a basic respect for each other can easily overcome these types of things.
> 
> Variety is a wonderful thing. It really is the spice of life. I can't imagine how freaking boring it would be to be with someone with exactly the same background as me. (Its unlikely to happen given my upbringing anyway).
> 
> I see soooooo many boring as ass couples walking around...there's nothing about those relationships that strikes me as exciting or fun. There just borrrrrringgggg. They literally seem to me like the walking dead.


Maybe they look boring to you,but I bet they aren't bored of their relationship themselves. Now I've got a question for you. How do you know that a couple are in an interracial relationship just by looking at them? Don't tell me it is only skin tone or hair. That is superficial.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Wiltshireman said:


> IMHO it is often not the differences in RACE that cause problems with a relationship but more the different cultural outlooks.



Nailed with a size 10 (metric) HILTI.

I'm involved in a 30 year intercultural marriage (I'm from one of those expansion countries in Europe and she's from one of the -istan Central Asia countries. We live in the USA.

Initially things were going peachy - we were exploring cultures etc as much as each other .

I never got to meet her parents before marriage. First BIG mistake because of mental health issues that run in her family... Plus seriously skrewed up role models.

Second BIG mistake was that cultural things we laughed off as grad students in college (dating inhibitions) became reality when we had daughters... 

We had 25 good years and the last 5-6 have been a disaster largely due to cultural and mental health issues. 

I'm not telling you my experience is typical but I am telling you to consider ironing out as many differences as you can and getting to know his parents before marriage.

Interracial is not an issue. My older girl is dating a guy of curious racial composition  and he's a good kid and awesome family. Race is not the issue, family and culture are.


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## CoralReef (Jul 1, 2014)

I think that what is more important than his parents' response to you is how HE responds to his parents response to you.

What I mean is that if his parents flip out and call you ugly names OR act in passive aggressive racist fashion towards you it is important that he calls this behavior out and stands up for you. If he chooses to pretend he can't see their hateful behavior and says its all in your head then his behavior is more of an issue than theirs because he is your significant other. Also, if he fails to call them out for bad behavior they will continue to act that way and it will only get worse. 

You may have no problem at all but instead of fretting over how his parents will act with you, have a long conversation with him about boundaries and what type of behavior you won't accept from his family as well as what type of behavior you won't accept from him (e.x. ignoring his family's bad behavior)


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## Lady1010 (Dec 28, 2010)

You all made some really helpful points.

Yes, I realize the potential for problems here is the intercultural aspect, not "race".

We both grew up in the same city, so between us, we have not come across any major differences - let alone cultural differences.

He has dated interculturally before and hasn't let parents' opinions get in the way. His parents have recently told him they would support him if that is the right decision for him. They are concerned about cultural differences leading to divorce later down the road.

I know after some initial discomfort, my parents would be supportive too. They are okay with it in theory but I am expecting there to be some uncomfortable feelings when they actually see it happen.


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## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

My parents basically disowned me after I married my first wife; they said it was for different reasons but I believe it was primarily because she was a different race (or culture, as others say here). The problem was they didn't understand that I was more of her CULTURE (American) then their culture; they moved over here to USA, I grew up here in the USA, so that's what I associate with.

They eventually (like a decade later) got over it.. just in time for me to get divorced (lol, welcome to American culture!). Now I am with someone that is still not my race, but very similar to my culture. You should see how happy they are!  

My sister also dated someone who was a different culture than her, and in the end, his family could not take it and they broke up because of that. She is now with a new guy that is the same culture and everything is great, too. 

So, I guess what I'm saying is that culture/race/religion differences are complications but they are not complications that can't be overcome if everything else is right.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I don't see anything wrong with them.

Live and let love.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Lady1010 said:


> What are most peoples take on the difficulties in an interracial marriage?
> 
> I am of Pakistani origin, grew up in North America. Mister is Caucasian from South Africa, grew up in North America. We are getting along really, really well. He is concerned about his parents who have lived all their lives through institutionalized racism/segragation in SA. They've held opinions against segregation, but when it comes to the two of us, his mum is "cautious".
> 
> ...


 Lady. I have a question please and I'm serious about it. What race would you be if your from Pakistan? I honestly don't know. Thank you and good luck. 

I think that if two people love and care about each other, then skin color and culture shouldn't matter. Yes there are different things to consider such as religion but that why the word "compromise" was invented.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

6301 said:


> I think that if two people love and care about each other, then skin color and culture shouldn't matter. Yes there are different things to consider such as religion but that why the word "compromise" was invented.



Skin color is irrelevant - culture and religion is very relevant because in the absence of other inputs we may defer to them for guidance. 

While I have no major issues with -istan foods and the like, I do have issues with a lot of -istan culture that one never thinks about at age 25 but all of a sudden become issues at age 45 i.e. dating for your kids...


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

> If two people that are of the same race are in a loving relationship they are boring?


lol...what made you think I meant racial background????

Typical pathetic assumption...

I meant "background"...which is what I said..as in:

-socioeconomic
-religious
-educational
-family history
-geography
-etc.

My comment had really ZERO to do with race. Race is a superficial quality that often doesn't define anything about a person's background. For instance, you can be black in every country around the world.

What I stated and said is that I admire diversity. Diversity of food, culture, thought, education, financial, etc. Its boring as hell when people only meet others exactly like them and don't branch out to different types of people. The experiences of meeting new people and learning how they've dealt with life and how they think has been invaluable to me.

As for your couch psychology of what kind of relationships I need...lol, you're way off the mark. I only have stable, long-term relationships. I was married for over 21 years and after divorce have been with my new partner for over 5. Those are pretty much the defining relationships of my life.

Again, people who don't value diversity and who are too afraid to branch out...in my opinion are BORING! I know many people who live in fear of doing anything different.

If you don't like my opinion...whatever...but spare me the stereotypes of who I've am. Stereotypes are the vice of the intellectually lazy.


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

> Maybe they look boring to you,but I bet they aren't bored of their relationship themselves. Now I've got a question for you. How do you know that a couple are in an interracial relationship just by looking at them? Don't tell me it is only skin tone or hair. That is superficial


. 

I said "background"....I said zero about race.

What's revealing though is that you and the guy who posted above you jumped to that conclusion.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lady1010 said:


> I haven't met his parents yet. But I am concerned (and a little angry that I would have to deal with the vestige of institutionalized racism. I have been lucky I guess to have never felt discriminated against in the large metropolitan city I live in.) I don't know how I would deal with this situation :s.





Lady1010 said:


> You all made some really helpful points.
> 
> Yes, I realize the potential for problems here is the intercultural aspect, not "race".
> 
> ...


I find it curious that your concern is about his parents. Yet his parents have told him that they are supportive of his choice.

All the while, your parents would have reservations. Is he angry that he has to deal with your parents’ discomfort?


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

john117 said:


> Skin color is irrelevant - culture and religion is very relevant because in the absence of other inputs we may defer to them for guidance.
> 
> While I have no major issues with -istan foods and the like, I do have issues with a lot of -istan culture that one never thinks about at age 25 but all of a sudden become issues at age 45 i.e. dating for your kids...


 That's why you discuss these things and come up with compromises before you get married.

I have a friend who is Catholic and hi wife is Jewish. They had duel wedding ceremonies and agreed that the kids will learn about both religions and when old enough can make their mind up what they want. 

27 years and their still together. Now I agree that if one party wont budge and stay pat on their beliefs and wont compromise, then yeah a problem.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

In 1985 when we got married we were both relatively westernized  and both assumed culture would not be an issue. After all we lived together for 2 years prior to marrying, let the stoning begin etc 

But as they say, life is what happens when you make other plans so... If you think you will get at age 45-50 the same answer you would at 25, then you are very optimistic or very strict.

It also boils down to details you can't predict 20 years ahead of time ie that you will have daughters, that they will be attractive like crazy, and that every teenager in the high school will be hitting on them 

Or my ever favorite, "at which age does the Prophet say you don't need to have sex" ??? It's not like there's an FAQ out there for all to see.

Culture or religion provide guidelines and that's way too theoretical. Things get different in practice. If the culture delta (difference) is small it's no big deal but make it large and it looms large.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Culture is deeply ingrained in a person. It affects one's outlook on everything.

I married someone from my own race, and country, but our grand parents were from different cultures. His side is more stoic, and ignores problems. My side is more emotional and gets everything out in the open.

After 20 + years of marriage I see that problems have largely stemmed from our different cultures, which formed our responses to life's problems.

I love different types of food, clothing, etc. How one deals with life's problems affect me more than what I'm going to eat for dinner.


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## Lady1010 (Dec 28, 2010)

john117 said:


> Skin color is irrelevant - culture and religion is very relevant because in the absence of other inputs we may defer to them for guidance.
> 
> While I have no major issues with -istan foods and the like, I do have issues with a lot of -istan culture that one never thinks about at age 25 but all of a sudden become issues at age 45 i.e. dating for your kids...


Could you elaborate on that please? What kind of problems might there be with kids dating?


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## Lady1010 (Dec 28, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> I find it curious that your concern is about his parents. Yet his parents have told him that they are supportive of his choice.
> 
> All the while, your parents would have reservations. Is he angry that he has to deal with your parents’ discomfort?


No, no. Not at all.

Before his parents told him they would support him, he thought it would be tough. From what he said, it appeared it would be way tougher for his parents than it would be for my parents.

But then they told him they will support him. 

And half of my parentals are 100% on board as well (had the conversation today )


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Lady1010 said:


> Could you elaborate on that please? What kind of problems might there be with kids dating?


Maybe from the fact that girls in the "-stan" countries generally don't date at all, and are often killed for marrying someone they love, rather than the partner their family chose for her.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Lady1010 said:


> Could you elaborate on that please? What kind of problems might there be with kids dating?



Sure... Per the gospel (or equivalent, I'm not current into theocracy terminology) according to mom, dating is something to be done after (college, marrying, etc). Of course this presents a bit of a chicken and egg problem. In any case relationships with the opposite gender are not encouraged until later, and later is to be defined later .

It's not just my wife. A friend of her from the same country sent his daughter off to the west coast for college a few years ago. The daughter came back 2 months later married, divorced, and pregnant, in no particular order. 

To compensate I have done my part to help my girls lead normal life which includes interacting with the opposite gender but still... Some cultures are resistant to change to say the least... Now mom is worrying that they are not meeting the right people


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## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

Yes, that culture is a little odd, the whole 'date later' aspect is weird. Both my girlfriend and my families wanted us to finish college and get a job BEFORE we started dating. I didn't listen  (she did!) At least by now my family is now used to me not listening to them and acting like an American. Her family, still somehow magically believes a perfect relationship will just pop up without her dating like an American.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

There is a significant list of dating dos and donts that mom has offered. Saturday Night Live material pretty much 

I don't expect them to date like any culture, just use their brain. Seems to work so far.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

But the bottom line is you can't anticipate at 25 what cultural baggage will pop up at 50. In my wife's culture for example the only valuable profession is physician - so everyone sends their kids to med school there or overseas and as a result wages for locally trained physicians there suck 

My wife has two physician siblings and she was considered not quite as "worthy" by the parents despite earning a PhD in the US.

So needless to say it took a major war to convince her that our older girl should use her extraordinary talent in the arts... Mom gave up eventually but it wasn't pretty.

So again you can't know 25 years down the road what crazy thing will pop up.


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## Lady1010 (Dec 28, 2010)

john117 said:


> Sure... Per the gospel (or equivalent, I'm not current into theocracy terminology) according to mom, dating is something to be done after (college, marrying, etc). Of course this presents a bit of a chicken and egg problem. In any case relationships with the opposite gender are not encouraged until later, and later is to be defined later .
> 
> It's not just my wife. A friend of her from the same country sent his daughter off to the west coast for college a few years ago. The daughter came back 2 months later married, divorced, and pregnant, in no particular order.
> 
> To compensate I have done my part to help my girls lead normal life which includes interacting with the opposite gender but still... Some cultures are resistant to change to say the least... Now mom is worrying that they are not meeting the right people


Lol, thanks for pointing that out!

I started "secretly" dating way earlier. I wish it didn't have to be a secret, but it had to be given parents expectations.

I hope I wouldn't revert back to cultural expectations when I am in my 50s and expect my kids to not date until they are done school/have a job.

As for the physician-is-the-only-worthwhile career, I dealt with it myself too. And I know I will deal with it all my life. I broke away from it. Again, I hope I don't revert back to the ideologies I have worked so hard to fight in my personal life.


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## Lady1010 (Dec 28, 2010)

john117 said:


> But the bottom line is you can't anticipate at 25 what cultural baggage will pop up at 50. In my wife's culture for example the only valuable profession is physician - so everyone sends their kids to med school there or overseas and as a result wages for locally trained physicians there suck
> 
> My wife has two physician siblings and she was considered not quite as "worthy" by the parents despite earning a PhD in the US.
> 
> ...


Was there a time she held strong opinions against forcing children to pick a career that parents desire? I am wondering if the comfort of the culture makes you want all the same things you grew up with - even if at some point you thought that wasn't right.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

She always pushed our girls towards STEM careers but sometimes they don't cooperate. Not everyone can be a doctor. 

Even our younger one who is premed in college has her own ideas about what she wants to do so... Med school - psychiatry - forensic psychiatry...

Good observation about the comfort of culture... That's how I see it too.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Lady1010 said:


> No, no. Not at all.
> 
> Before his parents told him they would support him, he thought it would be tough. From what he said, it appeared it would be way tougher for his parents than it would be for my parents.
> 
> ...


And your other parent? 100% opposed?


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## Lady1010 (Dec 28, 2010)

^Haven't had the conversation yet. But I think the other half would be okay too. There might be some uncomfortable feelings.


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