# “He’s not a threat to you…”



## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

Sometimes when discussing work if my wife brings up a male coworker she will often preface it with “he’s not a threat to you” or “he’s not someone you have to worry about” without me even saying anything. Now she knows that I was cheated on in the past and it’s something I’ve been on guard about before. So is she just saying that to assuage what she thinks are my fears or is she inadvertently letting me know that there is a type of guy to worry about? 

The thing is I usually never say anything about whoever she’s talking about anyways. When she said this last time I said “umm, did I say they were threat?”. It’s just kind of weird to me and I thought I’d see what you guys have to say. 

My ex used to talk about a guy at work a lot. When I would ask her “do you have a thing for this guy?” She’d say “oh NO he’s ugly!” etc. and then I found out a couple months later she was screwing him. So it feels similar to me in that regard for someone to already include a disclaimer when talking about a man at work.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I don't know... are there others you should be worried about then? I know why she is saying it, but it'a weird way of articulating that concept.


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## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

I agree. The way she says it almost sounds like she’s just saying that this particular guy isn’t her type. So do I worry when her type finally comes along? It is a weird way of articulating this concept like you say.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

jjj858 said:


> I agree. The way she says it almost sounds like she’s just saying that this particular guy isn’t her type. So do I worry when her type finally comes along? It is a weird way of articulating this concept like you say.


yep., I agree with you!


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

It probably stems from past experiences with you. Because you were cheated on in the past, you are highly sensitive to the issue of opposite sex interactions by your SO. If we asked your wife she would probably say you overreacted in the past when she mentioned a work colleague so now she prefaces everything with this disclaimer. She may not even realize she's doing it & it's become automatic as her way of defusing you before some benign work story turns into a fight


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## Jeffsmith35 (Apr 8, 2021)

jjj858 said:


> Sometimes when discussing work if my wife brings up a male coworker she will often preface it with “he’s not a threat to you” or “he’s not someone you have to worry about” without me even saying anything. Now she knows that I was cheated on in the past and it’s something I’ve been on guard about before. So is she just saying that to assuage what she thinks are my fears or is she inadvertently letting me know that there is a type of guy to worry about?
> 
> The thing is I usually never say anything about whoever she’s talking about anyways. When she said this last time I said “umm, did I say they were threat?”. It’s just kind of weird to me and I thought I’d see what you guys have to say.
> 
> My ex used to talk about a guy at work a lot. When I would ask her “do you have a thing for this guy?” She’d say “oh NO he’s ugly!” etc. and then I found out a couple months later she was screwing him. So it feels similar to me in that regard for someone to already include a disclaimer when talking about a man at work.


There was a thread on reddit about a month ago discussing men who were assured by their gf or w not to worry about a man who they ended up having an affair with. It's a type of Freudian admission of attraction to an OM which prompts an overreaction via a statement that "he's not a threat", when it is precisely the sexual thoughts of the gf/w causing that public display. In effect, she's trying to make her lustful feelings go away by outwardly downplaying her desires. So watch the phone bill for increased contact with that OM who she deems "not a threat".


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

I'd say definitely something to be on guard for. My issue is whenever a woman says she wouldn't sleep with a certain guy because he's "not her type" it just makes me think of all the women I've slept with who have told me that I'm not normally "their type"


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)




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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She is reaching, first, for your trigger-hammer and then using her wordy tongue to un-cokk it.

She knows well your worries.
She _seems_ to have your back.

Remain alert, that _old female shadow_ may be following you.
This is a common thing.

Too early to tell.


_King Brian-_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

jjj858 said:


> I agree. The way she says it almost sounds like she’s just saying that this particular guy isn’t her type. So do I worry when her type finally comes along? It is a weird way of articulating this concept like you say.


The after shocks of being betrayed, never subside, or go dormant.

Paranoia has set in.

Your wife is very in-tune with your anxious feelings, likewise with her own.

Don't badger her or push her away. 
Women do not like insecure men.

Let her feel comfortable talking to you about anything.


_Lilith-_


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Nobody has banged more wives and girlfriends than "just a friend" or " no one you have to worry about".


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## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

Jeffsmith35 said:


> There was a thread on reddit about a month ago discussing men who were assured by their gf or w not to worry about a man who they ended up having an affair with. It's a type of Freudian admission of attraction to an OM which prompts an overreaction via a statement that "he's not a threat", when it is precisely the sexual thoughts of the gf/w causing that public display. In effect, she's trying to make her lustful feelings go away by outwardly downplaying her desires. So watch the phone bill for increased contact with that OM who she deems "not a threat".


I agree with this and it’s a good assessment. This was definitely the case with my ex. She would routinely say how repulsive and ugly this other guy was when I caught her texting him. And of course I bought it. My current SO hasn’t gone so far to do this. 

Except there’s one other thing I should mention. I’ll check her phone from time to time. There was a long series of texts with a male coworker that she had deleted and I had never seen before. A series of texts going back for a few months. It popped back up when he texted again. The content all appeared to be work related and I didn’t see any active flirting aside from a lot exclamation points or positive affirmation “you’re dong a great job!” etc. This guys number wasn’t even saved in her phone. I figured out who he was and she told me that he’s gay. But according to her he’s also been married and divorced and has a kid. She said he’s in the closet. 

That wouldn’t mean much except the other male coworker she mentioned the other day with the disclaimer I mentioned in my initial post, she says she thinks he’s gay too. It seems like every man she works with is gay apparently. I’m not buying that. It reminds me of the excuse my ex used.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

jjj858 said:


> This guys number wasn’t even saved in her phone. I figured out who he was and she told me that he’s gay. But according to her he’s also been married and divorced and has a kid. She said he’s in the closet.
> 
> That wouldn’t mean much except the other male coworker she mentioned the other day with the disclaimer I mentioned in my initial post, she says she thinks he’s gay too. It seems like every man she works with is gay apparently. I’m not buying that. It reminds me of the excuse my ex used.


This is interesting. I've seen this too where they "think" the guy is gay even if he has a gf or is married. Yet they still act shady (deleting messages) from their "gay" friend. It's almost like they're giving themselves plausible deniability ahead of time. Well its not my fault we had sex.......I thought he was gay!!!!!


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You can't police her work interactions & there is no need to get upset about one person saying somebody else is doing a good job. 

If there are other signs then of course be on the lookout. You don't have to be naïve or blind but maybe give her the benefit of the doubt. 

Please tell us she knows you check her phone. If you are doing that behind her back, your suspicions & lack of trust will destroy your relationship just as surely as infidelity.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

jjj858 said:


> I agree with this and it’s a good assessment. This was definitely the case with my ex. She would routinely say how repulsive and ugly this other guy was when I caught her texting him. And of course I bought it. My current SO hasn’t gone so far to do this.
> 
> Except there’s one other thing I should mention. I’ll check her phone from time to time. There was a long series of texts with a male coworker that she had deleted and I had never seen before. A series of texts going back for a few months. It popped back up when he texted again. The content all appeared to be work related and I didn’t see any active flirting aside from a lot exclamation points or positive affirmation “you’re dong a great job!” etc. This guys number wasn’t even saved in her phone. I figured out who he was and she told me that he’s gay. But according to her he’s also been married and divorced and has a kid. She said he’s in the closet.
> 
> That wouldn’t mean much except the other male coworker she mentioned the other day with the disclaimer I mentioned in my initial post, she says she thinks he’s gay too. It seems like every man she works with is gay apparently. I’m not buying that. It reminds me of the excuse my ex used.


When I was younger I lived in the Village in NY. I had a female roommate/best friend who is gay. She had friends who were involved in the fashion industry and we were often invited to shows which I would attend enthusiastically. One time at a show I was standing beside a supposedly gay guy when an absolutely gorgeous woman walked by. He was admiring her as much as I was and I said to him “I thought you were gay” he said “I am but I’m not thaat gay”.
Remember a high percentage of gay people are actually bisexual.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I would make it very clear to her that you will NEVER EVER tolerate cheating ever again and you will divorce in in a nano second if that ever happens...there is no second chances....just so she clearly and utterly understands...there are no mistakes in cheating


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

jjj858 said:


> Sometimes when discussing work if my wife brings up a male coworker she will often preface it with “he’s not a threat to you” or “he’s not someone you have to worry about” without me even saying anything. Now she knows that I was cheated on in the past and it’s something I’ve been on guard about before. So is she just saying that to assuage what she thinks are my fears or is she inadvertently letting me know that there is a type of guy to worry about?
> 
> The thing is I usually never say anything about whoever she’s talking about anyways. When she said this last time I said “umm, did I say they were threat?”. It’s just kind of weird to me and I thought I’d see what you guys have to say.
> 
> My ex used to talk about a guy at work a lot. When I would ask her “do you have a thing for this guy?” She’d say “oh NO he’s ugly!” etc. and then I found out a couple months later she was screwing him. So it feels similar to me in that regard for someone to already include a disclaimer when talking about a man at work.


“Sooo… which ones _are_ a threat?” 🤔


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Why do you think the women in your life routinely talk about their male coworkers? I never talked about my male coworkers unless they were being real pricks. And, I had to be careful because my husband would offer to solve the problem for me.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

“Well it doesn’t matter because he’s married.”

“Uhh… so are you. THAT’S what should matter — whether he’s married or not should be of no consequence.”


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## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Why do you think the women in your life routinely talk about their male coworkers? I never talked about my male coworkers unless they were being real pricks. And, I had to be careful because my husband would offer to solve the problem for me.


I think it’s normal for people to vent about work since we spend so much time there. The mere fact of her mentioning work or a coworker doesn’t bother me in and of itself. I just find the disclaimers weird and I find it weird that every male she mentions is supposedly gay.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Talking about WORK with a work colleague and even complimenting that person on a job well done is NOT cheating.! It's life. Recounting a work story to a SO to include that SO in part of your day is also not cheating. Absent more than texts about WORK & an occasional shared story from the day, the gender or orientation of the third person doesn't matter. This is all innocent.


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## Jeffsmith35 (Apr 8, 2021)

jjj858 said:


> I think it’s normal for people to vent about work since we spend so much time there. The mere fact of her mentioning work or a coworker doesn’t bother me in and of itself. I just find the disclaimers weird and I find it weird that every male she mentions is supposedly gay.


Saying men she works with are gay is another telltale attempt to throw you off her thought process. She may even use that characterization as a justification to go on "lunch dates" with these men ("Hey, they are gay so it's really like having lunch with one of the girls, right? Nothing to worry about!"). This is textbook suspicious behavior.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

jjj858 said:


> Sometimes when discussing work if my wife brings up a male coworker she will often preface it with “he’s not a threat to you” or “he’s not someone you have to worry about” without me even saying anything. Now she knows that I was cheated on in the past and it’s something I’ve been on guard about before. So is she just saying that to assuage what she thinks are my fears or is she inadvertently letting me know that there is a type of guy to worry about?
> 
> The thing is I usually never say anything about whoever she’s talking about anyways. When she said this last time I said “umm, did I say they were threat?”. It’s just kind of weird to me and I thought I’d see what you guys have to say.
> 
> My ex used to talk about a guy at work a lot. When I would ask her “do you have a thing for this guy?” She’d say “oh NO he’s ugly!” etc. and then I found out a couple months later she was screwing him. So it feels similar to me in that regard for someone to already include a disclaimer when talking about a man at work.


She knows you're jealous and distrustful, but she would still like to be able to share daily anecdotes with you, but is prefacing that way to head off at the pass your suspicions. It's better that way. You don't want her to just shut up and never tell you what's going on in her life. That's how you lose communication.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Jeffsmith35 said:


> Saying men she works with are gay is another telltale attempt to throw you off her thought process. She may even use that characterization as a justification to go on "lunch dates" with these men ("Hey, they are gay so it's really like having lunch with one of the girls, right? Nothing to worry about!"). This is *textbook suspicious behavior.*


Exactly correct and well worded.


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## Jeffsmith35 (Apr 8, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Exactly correct and well worded.


Thanks - I speak from experience.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

That is weird. I’ve never heard anyone say that as a preemptive disclaimer in my 57 years and the thought of saying that has never even crossed my mind even though there are several thousand females employed at my work place. 

I can’t help but think that the fact she feels she needs to make that disclaimer about those particular men means that there are some she thinks are a threat.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

jjj858 said:


> She told me that he’s gay. But according to her he’s also been married and divorced and has a kid. *She said he’s in the closet.*
> 
> That wouldn’t mean much except the other male coworker she mentioned the other day with the disclaimer I mentioned in my initial post, s*he says she thinks he’s gay too. It seems like every man she works with is gay* apparently. I’m not buying that. It reminds me of the excuse my ex used.


*Red Flags.*

Or, that is her casual way of describing passive men.
Privately, flipping them off.

It is rather derogatory, I might add.

Many ladies like gay men, as they are not felt a threat.
Yeah, right.

Does she feel you are passive?
Hmm?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

So I guess that means there are some men that are a threat? I would be more apt to believe that it’s more of what @Jeffsmith35 said about it being a Freudian slip. We men need to be very mindful that looks are not as important to women as a guys status / confident vibe. I’ve lost count of the number of times women have said , “oh I hate that guy. He so cocky.” To end up in his bed. Do not judge the other guy’s threat level based on his age or looks. How many BH threads have we had of their WW being with a guy 20+ years older or not as in shape as their husband? So take that he’s not a threat, seriously.

It sometimes happens with men too. A guy may say “oh, Jane from accounting? No way, she’s ugly or overweight. Problem is that if she’s a freak and puts out the vibe, it won’t matter to a guy who’s getting less than he wants at home. So just like we men need to be trying to show our wives that they’re special to us through our actions, women need to do the same.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

My ex used to constantly talk about this one guy, a retired fireman. 'He's just a friend.
The little voice inside my head Told me something was going on, but I chose to ignore it. 
This guy had a girlfriend who told her to 'back off!'.
She would tell me "i don't know why she says this, I'm no threat to her !".
I found out about a year later, she screwed him.

Yeah............ I know all about 'no threat'.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

"And you say he's just a friend...."


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

“Maybe save us both some time and point out the ones that _are_ threats.” 🤷🏻‍♂️😆


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Well ... let's pick this scab a little more.

Have you ever asked her to provide you details about the nature of any interactions with male co-workers, or have you inquired if she finds any of them attractive?

In my mind, it is an odd thing to reference entirely unprompted.

If you have NOT been looking for information or input from her on male co-workers, then I would advise you to do same and see how she responds.

Highlight any interactions you have with female co-workers. "Shirley in project management chats me up and is definitely into me ... but no worries, she's not my type.

See how that plays.

I can tell you how it will play of course. But where's the fun in that?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Deejo said:


> Well ... let's pick this scab a little more.
> 
> Have you ever asked her to provide you details about the nature of any interactions with male co-workers, or have you inquired if she finds any of them attractive?
> 
> ...


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## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> *Red Flags.*
> 
> Or, that is her casual way of describing passive men.
> Privately, flipping them off.
> ...


I wouldn’t classify myself as passive. If anything she tells me I’m too aggressive when I put my foot down about something in the relationship. I don’t mean that I’m abusive or anything like that. But she gets self righteous about certain things and she doesn’t like it if I point out that she’s wrong about something. She seems to want me to be more passive if anything, which is not gonna happen.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Anytime you’re feeling like a woman might even consider being with someone other than you, probably best to start planning a getaway.


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## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

jsmart said:


> So I guess that means there are some men that are a threat? I would be more apt to believe that it’s more of what @Jeffsmith35 said about it being a Freudian slip. We men need to be very mindful that looks are not as important to women as a guys status / confident vibe. I’ve lost count of the number of times women have said , “oh I hate that guy. He so ****y.” To end up in his bed. Do not judge the other guy’s threat level based on his age or looks. How many BH threads have we had of their WW being with a guy 20+ years older or not as in shape as their husband? So take that he’s not a threat, seriously.
> 
> It sometimes happens with men too. A guy may say “oh, Jane from accounting? No way, she’s ugly or overweight. Problem is that if she’s a freak and puts out the vibe, it won’t matter to a guy who’s getting less than he wants at home. So just like we men need to be trying to show our wives that they’re special to us through our actions, women need to do the same.


Good points and I think very accurate. I can see just from the guys she dated before we met that looks weren’t the biggest factor. If anything I’m more attractive and taller than any of the guys she was dating. She seemed to respond more to how “nice” they were to her and got bedded easily just by buying their BS nice guy act. So from that I can deduce that whether a guy is attractive or not isn’t really a deciding factor for her. 

And yeah like you said as a man, sure if I was really looking to cheat (I’m not and I wouldn’t) I wouldn’t have an issue with the female being less attractive than my spouse if they were offering up what I wasn’t getting at home either.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

jjj858 said:


> I wouldn’t classify myself as passive. If anything *she tells me I’m too aggressive when I put my foot down about something in the relationship.* I don’t mean that I’m abusive or anything like that. But she gets self righteous about certain things and she doesn’t like it if I point out that she’s wrong about something. She seems to want me to be more passive if anything, which is not gonna happen.


That can be just as bad as being too passive.

Better approach would be “You can do whatever you want, but if you cross certain lines, we’re done.”

And she has to know that you absolutely mean it.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

jjj858 said:


> I agree with this and it’s a good assessment. This was definitely the case with my ex. She would routinely say how repulsive and ugly this other guy was when I caught her texting him. And of course I bought it. My current SO hasn’t gone so far to do this.
> 
> Except there’s one other thing I should mention. I’ll check her phone from time to time. There was a long series of texts with a male coworker that she had deleted and I had never seen before. A series of texts going back for a few months. It popped back up when he texted again. The content all appeared to be work related and I didn’t see any active flirting aside from a lot exclamation points or positive affirmation “you’re dong a great job!” etc. This guys number wasn’t even saved in her phone. I figured out who he was and she told me that he’s gay. But according to her he’s also been married and divorced and has a kid. She said he’s in the closet.
> 
> That wouldn’t mean much except the other male coworker she mentioned the other day with the disclaimer I mentioned in my initial post, she says she thinks he’s gay too. It seems like every man she works with is gay apparently. I’m not buying that. It reminds me of the excuse my ex used.


The gay line excuse is bull ****e.

They are men, they like sex and will have sex with women.

I'm perpetually gobsmacked by people who somehow think the gay label precludes straight sex......🙄


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

P.S. my wife already knows other men are no threat to me and would feel ridiculous telling me that.


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## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

ConanHub said:


> P.S. my wife already knows other men are no threat to me and would feel ridiculous telling me that.


Yeah, I do find it offensive when she makes the assumption that I would automatically view any male she mentions as a threat.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

jjj858 said:


> I think it’s normal for people to vent about work since we spend so much time there. The mere fact of her mentioning work or a coworker doesn’t bother me in and of itself. I just find the disclaimers weird and I find it weird that every male she mentions is supposedly gay.


What I don't like about it is how she sounds like she's coddling you, as if you need to be babied...WHY?? Have you fought with her before about guys at her work, or is she just saying to herself, "he's so jealous and unreasonable, I better not upset him because he can't handle it"...?

If my partner was saying that to me, I would immediately respond with, "Are you reassuring ME of that...or yourself?"


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Are you over sensitive and jealous due to having been cheated on before? If so that may be why she feels the need to say what she does.


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

Her constant caveats in front of each conversation come across to me as unsolicited denials.

Unsolicited Denials
An unsolicited denial is *when someone being interviewed spontaneously refutes a statement that was never made*. A classic example is when someone says, “It's not like I was feeling guilty or anything,” when feelings of guilt were not any part of the previous discussion.

In your wife’s case, he is not someone you need to worry about when concerns about an individual were never mentioned.

Unsolicited denials are strong indicators that the opposite of the denied statement is true. So, in my opinion, you do have something to worry about and, no he is probably not gay.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

jjj858 said:


> Sometimes when discussing work if my wife brings up a male coworker she will often preface it with “he’s not a threat to you” or “he’s not someone you have to worry about” without me even saying anything. Now she knows that I was cheated on in the past and it’s something I’ve been on guard about before. So is she just saying that to assuage what she thinks are my fears or is she inadvertently letting me know that there is a type of guy to worry about?
> 
> The thing is I usually never say anything about whoever she’s talking about anyways. When she said this last time I said “umm, did I say they were threat?”. It’s just kind of weird to me and I thought I’d see what you guys have to say.
> 
> My ex used to talk about a guy at work a lot. When I would ask her “do you have a thing for this guy?” She’d say “oh NO he’s ugly!” etc. and then I found out a couple months later she was screwing him. So it feels similar to me in that regard for someone to already include a disclaimer when talking about a man at work.



Well my vote is for "inadvertently letting me know that there is A TYPE OF GUY to worry about?"


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Maybe the only men at work you needn't worry about are the ones she doesn't mention?

Really, what difference does it make? IMO there is no point to worrying about any of the men at work or elsewhere. If she wants to cheat on you with someone from work or outside of work she will. And you worrying about it will make no difference. Does she already realize you have a zero tolerance policy? That is all that needs to be clear if for some reason it is unclear for her.


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## mickybill (Nov 29, 2016)

It might be 100% innocent...or it could be she's getting the tingles and feels the best way to make it look innocent is to hide in plain sight. He is on her mind, she wants to talk about him (it feels good) but wants to pretend it's nothing.
I wonder if the guy at work knows he's gay?
I would keep quiet about it but keep him on your radar, there's a good chance if she does stray it'll be with that guy. Look out for lunches, after work events, etc...


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Have a visit with the divorce attorney you’d like to use, so she can’t, and tape his card to the refrigerator. Along with a note that says, “he’s not a threat to you, nor is he someone you need to worry about, until I find out there’s a guy I DO need to worry about”.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

jjj858 said:


> Sometimes when discussing work if my wife brings up a male coworker she will often preface it with “he’s not a threat to you” or “he’s not someone you have to worry about” without me even saying anything. Now she knows that I was cheated on in the past and it’s something I’ve been on guard about before. So is she just saying that to assuage what she thinks are my fears or is she inadvertently letting me know that there is a type of guy to worry about?
> 
> The thing is I usually never say anything about whoever she’s talking about anyways. When she said this last time I said “umm, did I say they were threat?”. It’s just kind of weird to me and I thought I’d see what you guys have to say.
> 
> My ex used to talk about a guy at work a lot. When I would ask her “do you have a thing for this guy?” She’d say “oh NO he’s ugly!” etc. and then I found out a couple months later she was screwing him. So it feels similar to me in that regard for someone to already include a disclaimer when talking about a man at work.


This is just so wrong. She's unilaterally determining the definitions for boundaries. She knows what would bother you, and she does it anyway and rationalizes that it's ok because it shouldn't bother you. There's also a feeling of dishonesty in that suggestion.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Rus47 said:


> Maybe the only men at work you needn't worry about are the ones she doesn't mention?
> 
> Really, what difference does it make? IMO there is no point to worrying about any of the men at work or elsewhere. If she wants to cheat on you with someone from work or outside of work she will. And you worrying about it will make no difference. Does she already realize you have a zero tolerance policy? That is all that needs to be clear if for some reason it is unclear for her.


We have so many threads of BHs that were told, oh, not him, he’s old, married, overweight, etc for that person that the husband’s gut was going off about that ended up being the OM. When they mention a guy, it’s because he’s got their attention. When they STOP mentioning him, the affair has started. 

For OP, his wife emotionally distancing herself would rightly have him on edge. Is she still depressed about having a son? Is the lost of her sister still impacting her? Is she still on Zoloft?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

jsmart said:


> We have so many threads of BHs that were told, oh, not him, he’s old, married, overweight, etc for that person that the husband’s gut was going off about that ended up being the OM. When they mention a guy, it’s because he’s got their attention. When they STOP mentioning him, the affair has started.
> 
> *For OP, his wife emotionally distancing herself would rightly have him on edge. Is she still depressed about having a son? Is the lost of her sister still impacting her? Is she still on Zoloft?*


Until this, I didn't realize this was the same OP with the wife who was on Zoloft. Seven days ago he posted in his other thread that their intimacy was still glacial.

So her talking about other men at work in any way is pretty disrespectful. But, OP seems determined to stay with her so what difference does it make?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

jjj858 said:


> Yeah, I do find it offensive when she makes the assumption that I would automatically view any male she mentions as a threat.


I repeat...
Do you have her walking on eggshells, and she finds it necessary to pre-clear the air, when discussing other men.


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