# QUESTION FOR MEN who had an affair & with the OW



## Eliserobin78 (Jun 8, 2013)

My question is are you happy? Is this OW everything she seems to be while you were having and affair? Did you think she was your soulmate, your were 100% compatible, was she your best friend? Are you are still even with the OW?


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Eliserobin78 said:


> My question is are you happy? Is this OW everything she seems to be while you were having and affair? Did you think she was your soulmate, your were 100% compatible, was she your best friend? Are you are still even with the OW?


As a former cheater I have to say that men generally only get emotionally attached to the OW if their wives don't appreciate them, ignore them, or are mean to them and/or demean them regularly. There are exceptions of course but generally we aren't wired that way. Male cheaters for the most part are the ultimate cake eaters. We view our wives as the "cake" and the side chick as the "eat it too" Meaning any long term success with a OW is highly unlikely. To put it frankly we just don't care. Would never leave our wives for someone that slept with us knowing we were married. We value the "cake" but would drop the "eat it too" in a New York minute if she stepped outside her bounds. 

There was one woman that I swore up and down was my soul mate, but once it went physical I couldn't have cared less. In my mind I still loved my wife. I exposed my indiscretions shortly thereafter. And to answer your question she wasn't anywhere near the woman my wife was. She simply had some of the characteristics that I wish my wife had.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Eliserobin78 said:


> My question is are you happy? Is this OW everything she seems to be while you were having and affair? Did you think she was your soulmate, your were 100% compatible, was she your best friend? Are you are still even with the OW?


I hate to double post but I just read your other posts. After reading about your situation I'm sorry to say that I think your husband does have an emotional attachment to this woman. 

I think you are better off focusing on yourself and moving forward at this point. If he decides to wise up you can decide if you want to give him another chance at that time.


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## Eliserobin78 (Jun 8, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> I hate to double post but I just read your other posts. After reading about your situation I'm sorry to say that I think your husband does have an emotional attachment to this woman.
> 
> I think you are better off focusing on yourself and moving forward at this point. If he decides to wise up you can decide if you want to give him another chance at that time.


I understand his emotional attachment, but going from one relationship to the next do you think it's going to work.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Eliserobin78 said:


> My question is are you happy? Is this OW everything she seems to be while you were having and affair? Did you think she was your soulmate, your were 100% compatible, was she your best friend? Are you are still even with the OW?


1.every relationship is pure perfection in the beginning.
2.as time goes on the relationships that don't have a solid foundation at the start will crumble.

Starting off as an affair does not give the relationship a solid foundation.Trust me,OW will eventually begin to wonder if her prize will cheat on her someday.It will eat at her and she will drive him away with paranoia.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Here is the deal: Cheating is 'dating'. And when you date, first, it's always 'fun time' and second, you are on your bestest behavior. Right?

So she's been suppressing that annoying laugh. He isn't farting in bed. She takes two hours to get ready before the date. He actually looked up the word "Foreplay" on Wikipedia...

So there is little 'reality' in that relationship. He thinks she's his soulmate because he sees the very best image of herself that she can project. The fact she ties one on every third week with projectile vomiting, that she can't save a dime of anyone's money, and that she has crying jags which come intermittently he misses out on...because the majority of his time is still with his family and job.

BUT...that doesn't mean it isn't real in HIS eyes.

He is likely due a rude awakening...as is she. But the question is, do you want to wait for that?


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Eliserobin78 said:


> I understand his emotional attachment, but going from one relationship to the next do you think it's going to work.


I don't think it will work. Statistically it almost never does. But, in your situation this doesn't matter. Do you really want to be his back up? He doesn't even appear to be sorry for what he did.

In my opinion you should really only consider taking him back if he is remorseful. From what I've read he isn't really concerned about your feelings right now, only his obsession with her. I think you deserve better. Don't you?


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## Eliserobin78 (Jun 8, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> I don't think it will work. Statistically it almost never does. But, in your situation this doesn't matter. Do you really want to be his back up? He doesn't even appear to be sorry for what he did.
> 
> In my opinion you should really only consider taking him back if he is remorseful. From what I've read he isn't really concerned about your feelings right now, only his obsession with her. I think you deserve better. Don't you?


I totally understand what you are saying. I do deserve better. I just want to save my family & I'm still in love with him. . I know I sound pathetic but it's how I feel. I just need to come to grips with this it just to hard.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Eliserobin78 said:


> I totally understand what you are saying. I do deserve better. I just want to save my family & I'm still in love with him. . I know I sound pathetic but it's how I feel. I just need to come to grips with this it just to hard.


You can be in love with him from a distance 

if he gets rid of the OW and is truly sincere about reconciling with you and working on the marriage then that's wonderful. but the family can't be saved if you're the only one trying to save it.

Sometimes you have to think selfishly and save yourself before you worry about anything else.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Eliserobin78 said:


> My question is are you happy? Is this OW everything she seems to be while you were having and affair? Did you think she was your soulmate, your were 100% compatible, was she your best friend? Are you are still even with the OW?


NOPE!! When I dabbled in that world many years ago it was always casual.......it was never better than what was at home, but it was different and that's the reason I wandered.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

OhGeesh said:


> NOPE!! When I dabbled in that world many years ago it was always casual.......it was never better than what was at home, but it was different and that's the reason I wandered.


As misguided as it sounds to non cheaters. Most of the male friends and acquaintances I grew up with didn't judge you for cheating on your spouse. However, if you caught feelings for the OW they viewed you as scum. Weird, cheaters judging the morality of other cheaters.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Eliserobin78 said:


> I understand his emotional attachment, but going from one relationship to the next do you think it's going to work.


It doesn't matter. The only thing relevant here is that it isn't working out with _you_. You really need to stop worrying about how solid the relationship is between your husband and his girlfriend and start finding a way to move on with your life and get your sense of self worth back.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

jaquen said:


> It doesn't matter. The only thing relevant here is that it isn't working out with _you_. You really need to stop worrying about how solid the relationship is between your husband and his girlfriend and start finding a way to move on with your life and get your sense of self worth back.


I agree. The only thing I will say to the OP is that just because it isn't working out with you it doesn't mean its your fault.


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

My mother was the "ow" and yes she married him. (It was her sisters husband.) 

They've been married 4 years and hell no they're NOT HAPPY. The first two years were the hardest, he had a court order and his two kids came over every weekend which she HATED. She's left him around 10 times and rang the police on him twice.. 

She regrets marrying him. She's lost all her family. They both agree that they went into it too quickly. Their interests are completely different.. He flirts a lot (which she hates), he can't save money at all (which she hates.) she hates his family.. She doesnt trust him at ALL. You get the idea. 

She says to me that she married him because she thought it would ONLY be him and her, she didn't want the "baggage." 

They remain together so people won't say "I told you so." Pathetic I know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

ubercoolpanda said:


> My mother was the "ow" and yes she married him. *(It was her sisters husband.)*
> 
> They've been married 4 years and hell no they're NOT HAPPY. *The first two years were the hardest, he had a court order and his two kids came over every weekend which she HATED.* She's left him around 10 times and rang the police on him twice..
> 
> ...


Wait a minute. she wasn't happy when her nieces and nephews came around. she knew what she was getting into.


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## JustAnotherMan (Jun 27, 2012)

I had a 5 year affair, considered leaving my wife and kids, but never did. The thought of only seeing my kids every other weekend was too much for me to actually leave my wife. 

I am still not very happy with my wife, but my kids are awesome! Could I have lived with OW? Well, the affair lasted 5 years and only ended because she divorced her husband and was ready for another relationship. I was her first choice, but I wouldn't leave because of the kids. I think we would have been very happy.


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

Next time around - yes she knew what she was getting into, but she didn't think he would want to be involved with the kids after he divorced his wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eliserobin78 (Jun 8, 2013)

ubercoolpanda said:


> My mother was the "ow" and yes she married him. (It was her sisters husband.)
> 
> They've been married 4 years and hell no they're NOT HAPPY. The first two years were the hardest, he had a court order and his two kids came over every weekend which she HATED. She's left him around 10 times and rang the police on him twice..
> 
> ...


Wow!! That is very sad!


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## Eliserobin78 (Jun 8, 2013)

JustAnotherMan said:


> I had a 5 year affair, considered leaving my wife and kids, but never did. The thought of only seeing my kids every other weekend was too much for me to actually leave my wife.
> 
> I am still not very happy with my wife, but my kids are awesome! Could I have lived with OW? Well, the affair lasted 5 years and only ended because she divorced her husband and was ready for another relationship. I was her first choice, but I wouldn't leave because of the kids. I think we would have been very happy.


Why keep up the affair for 5 years? And you stay married because of kids????? You think you would have been happy? How. Sure are you? Your relationship with her was based on a lie. Just a little frustated with what you are saying, but I guess you was just answering my question......


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