# Help with H texting and possible EA?



## tennessee0869 (Dec 16, 2010)

We've been married for 12 years and together for 22 years total.

My H is about to be 40 and told me 3 months ago that he doesn't know if he's in love with me anymore, he said that I irritate him, he's been unhappy for about a year now, and he wants his own space. He doesn't want to divorce but in his mind he thinks along the lines of "we are seperated". 

About 3 months ago, he started texting 2 different co-workers who ages are 25 and 23. I saw their names pop up on his iphone and asked who they were. He told me and I had no issues with it. I was paying bills one night and noticed we had over 17,000 text messages on our account. We have 5 lines so I wanted to see who had the biggest amount. Surprise! It was him and he was texting these 2 like crazy. Some days there were 400 texts between one of the girls. I asked him who's number was this and he said he didn't know. I said well you have to know cuz you sent a bagillion texts to her and she the same. He never said her name. We had a big blow up over it and he said he wasn't doing anything wrong.

Miss 25 is the one he texts constantly. He never calls her though. It's all text and it starts at 8am and continues until 1 or 2 am. She's married with 2 kids. He said her husband was fine with their texting and secure in their relationship. Even though they are co-workers, my H isn't at her location all the time. However, since I confronted him about the texts, he goes up to the location and "works from there" a lot. He has an office at his work but chooses to go here cuz it's closer to home. Perhaps but I don't know....

Miss 23 is the one he texts and calls. She's single as far as I know. I believe he has gone to see her a few times. She lives about 100 miles from us in MS and when he was on vacation, he said he had his stuff that he wanted to do and he would not be home for dinner. 

He goes to the gym and texts these 2 the whole time he's there which is about 2.5 hours. He goes to the gym about 8:30 or 9pm a few days a week.

I found all of my information regarding these 2 from Facebook and my cellphone bill. 

We've tried talking here and there about our relationship BUT he doesn't want to talk about very much. He wants to see where it goes, he wants to see what he wants ... us or new women... We've talked about seperating officially but he doesn't want that nor does he want to get divorced. He did say he didn't know how long it would take for him to figure his feelings out... a few weeks, months, a year since it all didn't happen over night I shouldn't expect it to be corrected over night.

I'm trying to understand his feelings and why he wants these connections now with these women. Does he need validity, his ego stroked, I don't know??? We used to text all the time. Now, not very much and when we do, his replies to me are 98% of the time one word answers.

He has cut off all affection towards me except for a good night kiss. Now that he's back at work I get a morning kiss before we leave for work. No hugs, hand holds, rubbing back or shoulders, no cuddling in bed...NADA. He said he knows this is childish but he wants to punish me for the last year. My mom passed away 2 years ago and I know that pulled me down but I didn't think things had gotten to this point. Through this time, our relationship stayed pretty much the same. Same amount of affection, we laughed, had great times together, took day time road trips....Now for past 3 months, we exist together more as friends than man and wife. We've had sex one time in 3 months and I spilled out to him what I wanted in a very descriptive way. He said he liked what he read but didn't act on it that night as I was hoping.

SO, what do ya'll think? I am here, I don't want our marriage to end, I want to fight for us and him. I feel this is a phase, a moment of neediness that I can't give him. I have thought about contacting Miss 25's H but I don't know if that's even necessary. This is about her but it's more about my H and his needs. I don't know if it's fair to mention this to Miss 25's H if it's really nothing more than texting??????

Please any advice.....Thanks!


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

Let Ms H's husband know. He deserves to know! One of the consequences of infidelity is that you may get caught! Reveal! It's the proper thing to do.

Regarding your husband, while a young 20-something wets most older men's appitite, he made a commitment to you when he married you. He needs to decide if he wants to work on the marriage or get out of it. He doesn't get the opportunity to "play the field" to see what he likes better! You can't win that game. My 43 year old married buddy has been banging these 20-somethings for years and he just can't get enough! The things they let him do would sicken his wife! Put an end to that now. 

Let him know that if he want's to stay married, you'll get into counselling and do whatever it takes to fix what's missing, but that you won't be a doormat and let him try what's out there. The newness of those young things will keep him busy for a long time. Stop it now!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Workingitout said:


> Let him know that if he want's to stay married, you'll get into counselling and do whatever it takes to fix what's missing, but that you won't be a doormat and let him try what's out there. The newness of those young things will keep him busy for a long time. Stop it now!


:iagree:

At best, he's just really getting a big charge from all of this attention. At worst, its possible he is outright cheating on you.

He's afraid to give up the stability of your marriage, but he also wants to have some adventures on the side. You need to let him know that this is NOT Ok with you.

Do you have the ability to have his phone plan changed? Is there anything else that you actually have control over that would slow this down?

If you have any info on this girls' husband, you could certainly threaten to call him - and be ready to actually do it. Don't make any threats about divorce or leaving - or anything else - if you aren't prepared to follow through.

There's a really good book I found at my library called Not Just Friends by S. Glass. See if you can find it.

Good luck...


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## tennessee0869 (Dec 16, 2010)

Thanks for both your replies. I DON'T WANT TO BE A DOORMAT but I feel like I've already allowed myself to become just that.

I can't change our cellphone plan because it's in his name. I don't want him to know I get all my info from our bill so I can't call him out on things. I am trying to be creative with my information so I don't lose my source. It's really hard!!!

I am on the fence with what I believe is going on. If you think your spouse is cheating (sexually), I figure you'd have that gut feeling. I do not and have not had that gut feeling. I do, however, have the feeling of WTF... is this all an EA? He spent 3 hours on his cell last night with Miss 25. She called him 3 times back to back to back = 3 hours of talk. 10pm to 1am. He texted me as soon as they hung up.

I tried to call him while they were talking unknowingly of course. He's got 3 different cell phones - 1 personal and 2 work related. I called all 3 and got all 3 voicemails. I left messages to please call cuz I wanna say goodnight. I sent texts cuz it's not like him to not answer a phone. I checked the personal cellphone bill at midnight and saw the first 2 calls. My stomach turned. They have texted non stop since November that I can tell from the bills. When I say non stop....8am - 2 or 3 am. 

I asked if he got my VM and he text me back calling me his sweet little name for me & said yes, stop being a drill sargent all is ok. 

When I read "stop being a drill sargent all is ok", my take was him saying quit snooping and get outta my biz. A friend said maybe it's his way of say ok enough, everything is fine don't worry.

What do any of yall think? Am I snooping cuz I want him to tell me what I know OR should I not worry about anything????


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Track the OW down find out what her details are as in full name , is she on facebook, friends, family etc . Do not let on what you are doing once you have that info post, there is plan to follow, you have some evidence now you need the contact details to sink the affair. As for snooping there are no secrets in a marriage and your husband is involved in inappropriate activity with another woman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tennessee0869 (Dec 16, 2010)

I have her name, I know where she works, she is friends with my H on Facebook and Myspace. She's married, I know her H's name and I am sure I can find his employment when I need too.

All my H and the OW do, to my knowledge, is text and now have 3 hour talks on the phone late at night. My H does see her almost daily at her employment because they work for the same company. He just recently started going to her particular store way more often. He won't admit it though.

To me an EA is way worse than a PA (unless there's a pregnancy). PA's, IMO, are usually all about sex. EA's, again IMO, are a connection to building a relationship whether it ends up being plutonic or progresses into much more. With as much texting that is being done, this has to be an EA in the works. 

Does sending on average (just the average) 300 texts a day to another married woman seems extreme? Obviously, some days are more some days are less. I know I don't get 300 texts a day from my H but I know who does...... Yes he sends over 9,000 texts a month. She is the number 1 text receiver in the group.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

This is BS. My God, he's so almost 42... The worst age for a man I believe. This pisses me off.

He wants his cake and wants to eat it too.
When I first had to confront my H about HIS 42 year old BS, I said, ok, you think what you're doing is "not that bad" lets have a family meeting. Lets call your mom and dad, your family... lets see what they think about this. Lets tell the kids and make it public. If you want this path, then get ready to make it public because I'm not keeping this in. You want to be an a-hole, be ready for the world to know you're one. Own it.

Of course at the same time, I completely put my ego on the shelf. As much as he was hurting me, I didn't "kick his XXX" - this is what he expected from me, and honestly knowing me I would have expected the same. But some how I went with my gut - and at the time, all that I had. I said I didn't know what I was going to do - stay or go - but that either way, I was so hurt by his actions because I was so in love with him and everyday thought he was the most handsome person I've ever known. That I was so hurt that he clearly didn't think the same. 

Point is, stop taking his crap. But be honest and ego-less in explaining why. Make sense? 

There's no guarantee about what his response will be. But right now HE has nothing to loose with his actions. You my friend have already lost... something. What you've lost you don't yet know. But clearly its time for a change. 
Good luck. I'm sorry you are experiencing this.


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