# Any Advice would be helpful



## fandj03 (Mar 11, 2008)

Hello everyone. I'm new to the site, but I really need advice. I've decided to have "the talk" with my husband on Friday. About 3 years ago, I came home unexpectedly while he was on a lunch break to find him doing well, undecent things while watching gay pornography on the computer. Of course, I was shocked. He finally confessed that it was his biggest secret. He said he doesn't want a male to sleep with him, but he wouldn't mind sleeping with a male. Okay, I'm trying to find a way to put all of this without being obscene. I decided to stick around, and he swore he'd never do it again. Then, about a year later, I found in the computer history that he'd been looking again. So, I confronted him and told him that I was thinking about leaving him. He, of course, said that he couldn't survive without me. I told him we'd take it slow so he would have time to get used to the idea. At this point, we already had a daughter. During our discussion, he said that he'd been thinking that he wanted to try having another child. Bout 2-3 weeks after our discussion, I would wake up for about a week or two with him on top of me. Next thing I know, I'm pregnant again. Well, this child is a year old now, and I still think that I want a divorce. I've made up my mind to talk to him again on Friday. I'm just terrified that I'll end up in the same position that I was in last time. I love him. He's been my best friend for 9 years, but that's as far as my feelings for him go. When I walked in on him that day, the spousal love that I felt for him died instantly. And it has NOT come back. It's had 3 years to come back, and it hasn't. Whether you have advice on a better approach to leaving him or whatever your advice may be, I will appreciate it.


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## fandj03 (Mar 11, 2008)

please help me. I'm absolutely terrified of the outcome of the discussion with my husband, scared for my two girls, and afraid of the backlash that may occur in the community.

Do you think that I'm doing the right thing? I don't think he's totally in love with me or totally straight. I have nothing against whatever his sexuality may be, but I don't feel like he's happy with me. I don't want him to touch me anymore, and for a long time(trying to not be too graphic), I did not like the "doggy" position b/c it hurt me too much to think that he wanted to be with another man. Now, I'll get in that position to get everything over with that much quicker b/c I don't want to be with him-period. I've even considered an affair with a friend of mine(who is very willing, that I know for sure), but I am from a religious background. My bro is a preacher. He's the only one that I've confided in, and he assured me that what my husband did was considered "sexual immorality", which the Bible says is the only reason to seek a divorce. So, I feel like I could morally seek a divorce and not worry about my soul. Of course, I'm not planning to tell everyone what the problem with our marriage was b/c he's the father of my children and I respect and love him enough to not want to ruin his good name. 

My question is, do you think I'm doing the right thing and/or going about this the right way


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

You need to have the talk with your husband but maybe just to see where the relationship is going. Get a better understanding of both of your feelings. He obviously has some sexual issues and may need time to sort them out. If he has been true to you then that is a good sign. If you have read my rants on porn you’ll know my feelings about that and he must stop. It is hurting you no mater the sexual orientation. You should both seek professional counseling to help you with this problem. You do have two children to take care of and if the household is stable, loving and functioning well you owe it to them to go to the next step and try to work things out. Don’t let yourself get pulled into an affair. Work on the marriage then if it ends in divorce move on to someone who will fill your needs. An affair now is unfair to everyone including yourself. Please move towards counseling. Good luck.


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## fandj03 (Mar 11, 2008)

I don't intend to have an affair, and don't get me wrong, I don't want to leave him just so I can sleep with someone else. I'm hoping to suggest counseling, but just to be honest, he probable won't agree. He sure won't agree to discuss it even with me(and I know about it!) Bout 3 weeks ago, he pushed my 4 year old for no reason(seriously-all she did was walk up and say she wanted to play-she didn't yell or even touch him). He just turned around and shoved her, she tripped over a shoe and went running to her bedroom crying. When he finally apologized after about 2 hours, I heard her ask him, "Do you still love me?" That tore me apart. Then, the other night, she woke up during the night to pee. My one year old also woke up at the same time. So, I grabbed the one year old and figured he could make sure she got to the bathroom. She went and peed, but she got confused b/c it was the middle of the night and she was tired and sleepy. She wouldn't come out of the bathroom. Well, my husband had to pee. WE HAVE ANOTHER BATHROOM, BUT HE WOULDN'T GO TO IT!!!!! So, he picked her up(to eye level), and dropped her onto the floor. He swore he didn't, but I saw it with my own to eyes. He just didn't realize I had come back into the room. So, now, I worry about what comes next. And-if my 4 year old tells me that he did something to her-I won't know if I should believe her or not. B/c I have seen a bit of a violent side. And this has been a large part of the reason that I think I'm so determined to talk to him and convince him one way or the other now. What if he hits her next time? Not to mention, he's not listening when I say "no" in the bedroom anymore. Though, last time, I finally got him to stop(after I became hysterical). He's become different in the past couple of weeks, and I'm scared of what comes next. If I don't do something now, will I end up just putting up with it and never really living my life?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Your husband is violent to your children you need to get the heck out of there period and as soon as possible they are more important then you, him or your marriage.

draconis


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Tell him to leave the house immediately. If he won’t go the pack up the kids and go somewhere safe. This is abuse by any standard. Both physical abuse of your children and sexual abuse of you. Once you are safe from him call the police and report the incidences. This is ugly and if he is not willing to seek counseling it will more than likely get worse and you or your children could be seriously hurt. This may hurt you a lot but your safety and the safety of your children must come first. Take care.


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## fandj03 (Mar 11, 2008)

Thanks for your replies. He's never done any of this stuff until recently!!! NEVER! But, I have been scared of where it might progress to. Other than these incidents, most of the time, we just do the things we have to do(eat, etc.) and don't really speak to each other. I've been told that the bipolar disorder runs in the family, and it's in his. So, maybe this is just the beginning. My father is bipolar, and it's not pretty when he doesn't take his meds. He never physically abused us, though. His abuse was mental. Neither me nor my bros have shown any signs of becoming bipolar, though. This makes my mother think he's schizophrenic(that was the original diagnosis, but they changed it later on). I just don't want my kids to go through what I went through, except, as I said, the abuse I suffered was more like mental. But where will it end? Up until the past month, everything has been fine, boring, and sort of separate. We just don't talk. Of course, we don't have much time since we both work. It's just like we're two acquaintances living in the same house instead of husband and wife. I've decided to tell him tonight, though, instead of tomorrow. He's off work tomorrow, and if he suffers any at all, I'd rather him not go to work while he's in pain.


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## fandj03 (Mar 11, 2008)

I did talk to my husband. He wants to do counseling, which, honestly, I don't know that I want to do. But, I'm afraid that he might end up suicidal, so I'm going to give him time to adjust before I make the real split. I don't want to be the reason that his life ends, and I don't want my girls to grow up without a father(even if there are sometimes problems in that area). So, right now, I'm just waiting.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

OK Let me get this straight...

You been married so far fora quite a few years,

In various posts you ahve said your husband has homosexual tendencies, he is violent and abusive, he basically raped you to have a second child so you would not leave.

You found another man that you want to be with, but you are worried about what others would think?

You live in a small religious town and your brother is a preacher, saying you can get a divorce on Biblical terms but you should seek counseling.


I say your marriage is done and go see a lawyer, you do nto want to work it out from what you have posted about your husband, you want out but want validation that you are "doing the right thing".....for the children.

Honey, if your not happy, then go find happiness. But if you do so, please keep the children's best interest in play and at least be civil with your husband during the procedings and when it is over.

It really sounds like you are just looking for validation, that you already made up your mind. I wish you the best of luck.


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## juls (Apr 1, 2008)

GAsoccerman said:


> OK Let me get this straight...
> 
> You been married so far fora quite a few years,
> 
> ...


:iagree:

and excuse my rant here.....Had my husband dropped my daughter for WHATEVER lame reason he gave... I would have throw him down the stairs. Viiolent for me to think that way ..Yeah...But you know what as much as I will preach your husband comes first before all and the rest falls into place.. This is where I draw the line. Not to mention he doesn't listen when you say no. Hell no...I have been violently raped(at 17)and hubby knows when I say no, he should listen. 

Sweetheart the things you describe here tell me the first thing you need to do is worry about you and those babies safety above all eles. If he says "oh I will kill myself"...Doubtful, just another way for him to keep control of you. If he was gonna do it he wouldn't talk about it. 

I wish you luck and will keep you and your daughters in my prayers. I fear for your safety...


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