# Newly married - is she lesbian?



## lk1999 (Nov 4, 2014)

Hi everyone

I'm a male in my early 30's only married a few months and need some advice - its not something I can talk about to my friends for help.

My wife (who is a few years younger) and I have been together 5 years, and were friends for a year before that. 

At the start of the relationship our sex life was great, just like most people find it. We were having lazy days in bed were we would make love so many times that I would lose count, it was frequent and it was always very good - however I have to point out it was *always* me initiating it and also leading the way. 

Although I always gave her the opportunity to make the first move or lead, this would never happen so I always stepped in to start the fun. She would obviously sometimes retract and stop me, but it was normally willfully accepted and always enjoyed herself. The reason I always had to make the moves was (in my mind) as I was more experienced than her, to be honest I am not even 100% sure that she wasn't a virgin (or at least a full intercourse virgin) before we first got together. I'm certain she has never had a one night stand for a start.

She has always been very shy about talking about sex, having sex and really anything around that subject area has generally been the only topic I feel she finds it hard to discuss and frowns upon - she really does not like me bringing up anything about this topic either about us or others. Nothing to do with religion may I add.

This is not a reflection on being unable to talk to me, as I am a very balanced individual and actually work as an adviser in my employment, and am always the go-to guy for advice with all my friends - even females - and also my family. I am therefore what I feel "very approachable and easy to talk to" and we can easily talk about anything else in our marriage and before we married. She confides in me about almost everything - except sex talk obviously. 

My wife may I point out has also been very vocal with her friends or acquaintances who ever portray promiscuous tendencies or behave in any lewd or sexual way in public. She fell out with her best friend for a few months over what happened on a girls holiday in Majorca before we got together, over her friends antics - she went back to a guys apartment one night (for a presumable one night stand) after being out clubbing.

Right - thats a bit of background - now onto the problem. 

We got engaged over two years ago, and to be honest our sex life was lower at this time compared to from the start of the relationship as it sometimes happens with relationships. She lived with her parents still at this time, so instead of us like bunnies every weekend, it became sex every 2nd or 3rd weekend, and usually once or maybe twice when it happened. No more long drawn out all day sessions. I tentatively tried to bring up the topic, but for the sake of embarrassing her (she really hates any sex talk) I lived with it, as I loved her. Sex was only a part of the relationship and everything else was perfect.

She moved in last year - about 9 months before the wedding. When she moved in everything continued to be great - except for our sex life. We rarely argue, and compared to our family & friends our arguments pale in comparison. Usually it is due to my tendency to diffuse them - admit when I am wrong, forgive her if she apologies and is wrong - lets not make this a big deal and worry about this small thing lets just move on - kiss and make up - if you understand - is my view.

Our sex life has dwindled, to the point of where it has been maybe 6-8 occasions in the last year, again being initiated by me only. Including only once since we got married - the first morning of the honeymoon, 2 days after the wedding. We have been married approx 2.5 months now. 

Why did I marry her you may ask with the lack of physical activity? Well I presumed (wrongly maybe in hindsight) that things would improve once the stress of the wedding was out of the way. She stresses very easily, is a worrier (about nothing most of the time), reacts badly when under stress or pressure by not eating / sleeping etc. I didn't want to add to the stress leading up to the wedding by talking about our sex life being a problem - she would have started worrying that I was going to leave her, so I bottled it and thought it will return to at least being slightly more frequent. 

To be honest in the last year this is how bad its got:
- she wears thick pajamas in bed (never negligee's any more)
- if I try to initiate touch she takes my hand and drags it away from anywhere sexual or holds it so I can't start to try anything
- She always plans things at the weekend for us so we can't lie in or stay in bed all day (or even all morning) which I see as an excuse not to get intimate
- She "cocoons" herself in the duvet as she snuggles up beside me but there is no way I can possibly get my hands near her body without forcing my hands under the duvet (which I don't do obviously)

there are probably other things she does, but I am dragging on with the post so i will move on.

I know she is not cheating on me with another man - we work the same hours and she is back and forth from work like clockwork. She used all her holidays for our honeymoon so the only way this could happen if it is taking place during her working hours and in her work place - which is so unlikely that I totally disregard anything like that. She doesn't get any strange messages or phone calls so an affair is out of the question in my mind.

Now...the other thing. 

About 3 months after moving into my house and subsequently every month since or so my internet provider has been alerting me of "inappropriate material" being accessed and searched for. They don't tell me what it was exactly, but its been adult material / searches. It is a setting they provide but they don't provide exactly what these searches are, just the websites that may have been used (if they are not already blocked that is).

Shes not watching full hard core porn websites as the internet provider blocks all these but has been watching soft core - like searches on youtube and dailymotion for sex etc. She always deleted the history after accessing it - but rarely if she was on for other things. It was definitely her (password protected and only me and her know the password and only us two live there) and it bothered me for a while but i forgot about it. Until last week when she didnt properly clear the history on the computer and the searches showed up. 

The were basically all for lesbian sex.

Now I have been acting weird with her and she has noticed. I have been going over it in my mind but its not as easy as giving advice to others -i know she will react badly for a start as she will be so embarrassed- I just don't know what to do - should I bring it up or forget about it? Is she actually lesbian? Is that why our sex life has diminished? Then why marry me?
Why has she talked about us starting a family next year??

Any help / ideas would be appreciated, and for the record I have not gained weight or anything, I am actually in better physical shape now than when we started dating. I tend to her every need and am always here for her, she knows this, and I have already asked her to talk to me if she ever has any problems - she just says "I know. I don't have any though"......

Thanks for your time


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The only one who knows the truth is your wife. Stop p(u)ssy footing around the issue and have that uncomfortable talk. 

You may also want to read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "Married Mans Sex Life Primer". 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

How old are you two?

What was her upbringing like? Does she have strictly religious parents?

Did she discuss her beliefs about sexuality with you before you got married? If so, what did she say?

Ultimately, no matter what the reason for the downturn in sex, and no matter what her interests may be in lesbian sex, what is important is whether you two have a fulfilling marriage or not. So, a word of warning not to work too hard on diagnosing the cause. You (and we) are not qualified to diagnose her. You might gather some information which would inform you on possible avenues to pursue in getting your marriage back on track. But more importantly is that you start working to get the marriage back on track, not spend a lot of time or effort working behind the scenes to figure out what is going on.

Where do you live that your ISP blocks porn and notifies you of inappropriate material being accessed?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I doubt she is a lesbian. There could be several reasons why she watches lesbian porn none of which have to do with actually being a lesbian.

She doesn't ever initiate sex. You said yourself she is inexperienced and shy. I'd bet my house she firmly believes that woman who act like they want sex are slvts. It's the product of the "virgin" message many young girls grow up with and it takes a LOT to over come it.

She doesn't ever talk about sex. Again, this is the product of the slvt shaming virgin message. She turned away from her BFF because she didn't approve of the slvtty behavior. That right there says more about her shameful attitude toward sex than anything else.

Now for some questions for you.

Why don't you know whether or not your wife was a virgin? That's basic info dude.

You think you are showing respect by respecting her desire not to talk about sex. That like respecting her by respecting her desire not to ever say I love you. Sex Needs Discussions!!!!!!!

Your wife is a sexually inhibited woman and this will only change when she realizes her inhibitions are something keeping her back. And this maybe, is where the lesbian porn is coming in. My thought was, and I admit I may be way off base here, if she watches other women enjoying sex she might be able to learn to let go herself. Watching hetero porn is useless for this because it is so staged and fake. Unless she watching lesbian porn that is actually made for men, which is just as staged and fake.

You're going to have to bite the bullet and get her to talk about sex. I suggest you give her some advance warning. "Tomorrow night I want us to talk about something very important and I know it will make you uncomfortable. We need to talk about our sex life. So be prepared with some wine of something because I really want us to be open and honest with each other."

During this discussing your goal is NOT to find answers, your goal is to open the doors to sexual honesty and openness. You want her to be comfortable with this, don't ask her her questions that will send her into a state of defending herself.

Maybe just reminisce about the long lazy days in bed. Admit you wished she would initiate sex sometimes. Ask her how she feels about initiating sex? 

You see you can't go from totally black out of a topic to totally honesty in one go. From that initial conversation, explain that you both need to become more comfortable sharing about your sexual thoughts and you think sex conversations should happen more often. You share something's and ask her to share some things. Talk about positives, things you like, things you remember fondly. Hopefully, somewhere in those early conversations you will hear clues about her sex drive.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

For gods sake don't get her pregnant!


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Thor said:


> Where do you live that your ISP blocks porn and notifies you of inappropriate material being accessed?


The OP said it was a service offered by his ISP. It is a common feature.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening lk1999
you have GOT to address this now, or it may become your life. 

Is she low desire? Did she pull a bait / switch to get you to marry her? Is she a lesbian? Bisexual? 

If you get her pregnant and she continues to deny you sex afterwards you could spend the rest of your life miserable. Do not underestimate just how awful it is to be married to someone who won't be intimate with you. This is not a little thing.

Once you know what is going on, you can decide what to do.

Do not get her pregnant. No matter what, do not do this. It will leave you trapped with no honorable way out. 

I love my wife, but I have spent so much of my life unhappy because she doesn't want to be intimate with me.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> I doubt she is a lesbian. There could be several reasons why she watches lesbian porn none of which have to do with actually being a lesbian.


It's not just the porn. She uses every trick in the book to avoid sex with her husband, and doesn't even get affectionate. Add to that she secretly watches lesbian porn exclusively, not straight porn. 

Seriously, is there anything in the OP's description that suggests she is heterosexual?

Nothing wrong with her being lesbian per se, but marriage requires honesty and all cards should be on the table. It's very possible she didn't realize her leanings until long after she was involved with her current husband.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Theseus said:


> It's not just the porn. She uses every trick in the book to avoid sex with her husband, and doesn't even get affectionate. Add to that she secretly watches lesbian porn exclusively, not straight porn.
> 
> Seriously, is there anything in the OP's description that suggests she is heterosexual?
> 
> Nothing wrong with her being lesbian per se, but marriage requires honesty and all cards should be on the table. It's very possible she didn't realize her leanings until long after she was involved with her current husband.


I'm glad you asked Theseus.

It is common for the LD partner to turn away from all affection fearing any affection welcomed is a prelude to sex. I know in my own sexless days the only time I got affection was when he wanted sex. It took me a while to stop being affectionate toward him in order to prevent him from initiating sex.

It's also possible she is watching lesbian porn simply because she's more comfortable watching a woman's body than a mans. I am totally heterosexual but I think a woman's body is just stunning!

It's lso possible that she is skipping around to different sites and only remembers to delete this history of the sites in which she actually spent time on. Of course this is based on my limited knowledge of how these blasted contraptions actually work.

I think it is far more likely she has a hidden kinky soul than a hidden lesbian orientation.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I don't know if she's a lesbian. I figure she's a bad wife either way though.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I don't know if she's a lesbian. I figure she's a bad wife either way though.


Classic bait and switch.
Only married a few months do yourself a favor and get an annulment before you have to pay alimony and other crap she is not worth it.
Sorry for what you are going through but YOU can stop the pain.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I don't know if she's a lesbian. I figure she's a bad wife either way though.


We don't know that! What we do know is that she is inexperienced, inhibited, and not comfortable talking about sex. We also know their relationship has never stretched her comfort zone.

This could turn out well, but only if the OP makes this the issue it rightly deserves to be. If he waits for her to figure it out on her own, it will be a mighty long time.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> We don't know that! What we do know is that she is inexperienced, inhibited, and not comfortable talking about sex. We also know their relationship has never stretched her comfort zone.
> 
> This could turn out well, but only if the OP makes this the issue it rightly deserves to be. If he waits for her to figure it out on her own, it will be a mighty long time.


But Anon he said the sex life was great early on.
I'm just saying.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Doesn't really matter whether she's a lesbian or a taco salad. She is not having sex with you with any reasonable frequency and the ink is barely dry on your marriage certificate. Whatever else she might find sexually interesting, she doesn't find you sexually interesting. What she's fantasizing about isn't your problem. She isn't fantasizing about you and that is your problem. She was burning up the sheets, got an engagement ring and things slowed down, moved in, things got slower, got married, things came to damned near a halt. You know how folks put cheese on a trap to catch mice? Maybe she didn't want a sexual partner but she did want a man with a job. What was her financial and job situation when you met her and what is it now?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

We're not talking about repairing a 20 year marriage. We're talking about a sexless honeymoon period marriage with no kids. It won't get easier to bolt than it is right now. Make it clear right now that sexlessness is a deal breaker. And that if she wants to watch lesbian porn and neglect you then she's out. She can do it on her own dime.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

WorkingOnMe said:


> We're not talking about repairing a 20 year marriage. We're talking about a sexless honeymoon period marriage with no kids. It won't get easier to bolt than it is right now. Make it clear right now that sexlessness is a deal breaker. And that if she wants to watch lesbian porn and neglect you then she's out. She can do it on her own dime.


Now this, I agree with, and that's rare for me to suggest something like this so early on.

The rest of this discussion about "is she or isn't she" is pointless and fruitless. It really doesn't matter. (fwiw, I'm leaning towards "no", but whatever).

She needs to communicate with OP and stat. Like yesterday. He needs, no - is OWED an explanation for this.

See, the thing is - she knows what is going on. She may be confused about some things, isn't sure about this or that, etc. Doesn't matter. She's a grown woman, who had sex with her boyfriend fairly regularly (albeit via his initiation only), and it's come to a full stop less than 3 months into the marriage. Sex ONCE, 2 days after the wedding?

There's an explanation for this, and she knows what it is. And even if she can't quite pinpoint it, for her to assure her husband that there's nothing wrong... yikes.

Talk to her, now. She's already had almost 3 months of her being able to avoid any issue around this, because you're too afraid to speak up and say "what the hell?" She can clearly live without sex or intimacy for this long, and she's only getting the vibe from you that it's okay via your silence. Door mat syndrome.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

This.


PBear said:


> The only one who knows the truth is your wife. Stop p(u)ssy footing around the issue and have that uncomfortable talk.


And all of this.



Anon Pink said:


> You think you are showing respect by respecting her desire not to talk about sex. That like respecting her by respecting her desire not to ever say I love you. Sex Needs Discussions!!!!!!!
> 
> Your wife is a sexually inhibited woman and this will only change when she realizes her inhibitions are something keeping her back. And this maybe, is where the lesbian porn is coming in. My thought was, and I admit I may be way off base here, if she watches other women enjoying sex she might be able to learn to let go herself *(Truth. When the Wife and I watched videos, it helped her relax, even if some of it was GoG)*. Watching hetero porn is useless for this because it is so staged and fake. *(depends on the video, AP  Some you can watch BECAUSE you know its fake. It's so funny, it negates the 'taboo'. Pirates, and the sequel, Stagnetti's revenge spring to mind. Among others. She was too busy laughing to get offended. But it had the desired effect...)* Unless she watching lesbian porn that is actually made for men, which is just as staged and fake. *(This however is true . Instead, look at, for instance, Anna Span's videos. Much better.)*
> 
> ...


Good advice from AP. Listen to it.


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## Cinema79 (Aug 30, 2013)

Went through the same things with my ex-wife. She went completely cold after the marriage. I'm talking honeymoon over, and then nearly three months until the next humping. It's a long story and I'm not going to hi-jack the thread.

I'm here to tell you that it does not get better. Once that attraction is gone, it's tough to get it back if not impossible.

Is your wife...

1. on anti-depressants?
2. a bridezilla and was hell bent on getting married? She might care about the wedding, status, etc, and not about you at all. 
3. suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder?
4. moody and angry all the time?

So like others have said, CONFRONT her and demand some answers. And, this is just me, but I would tell her she has 3 months to make some changes. If she is not making any progress, tell her you are DONE, no questions.

Life is too short, and at age 30-ish, you still have plenty of time to find a good, young woman with a great sex drive.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

tom67 said:


> But Anon he said the sex life was great early on.
> I'm just saying.


All marriage go through ups and downs right? She hit a down and has no idea what to do about it. Maybe, who knows for sure because...NOBODY'S asking her!


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Cinema79 said:


> So like others have said, CONFRONT her and demand some answers.


AWESOME IDEA!.... 

If you want her to retreat even further into her shell. 

Did you miss the part about 



> She has always been very shy about talking about sex, having sex and really anything around that subject area has generally been the only topic I feel she finds it hard to discuss and frowns upon - she really does not like me bringing up anything about this topic either about us or others.



OP, you need to bring it up with her. But only you know her, none of us do. Find a way to get her to open up, but respectfully. Play it by ear, but play it. It has to be done.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

DayOne said:


> AWESOME IDEA!....
> 
> If you want her to retreat even further into her shell.
> 
> ...


That's the trick, isn't it? Finding a way that she doesn't see as accusatory. Damn near impossible, but it can be done.

My wife is the same. I have NO idea why she's like this, but she is. She had a, I don't want to say "colorful" past, but somewhere above the norm, I'd say. To her, talking about sex is about the last thing she wants to do. In bed, she's insane, outside of bed, she's a self-admitted prude. In fact, OP's description of his wife in regards to attitudes towards sex (ex. judging others by their conduct, etc.) aptly describes my wife. Talk of sex, even by others or on TV, makes her uncomfortable.

Now, I don't want to say I wore her down, but we've made progress over the years. She still hates talking about sex, but she powers through it when it's necessary, and there have been changes made as a result. But it's also very clear she's doing it for the sake of the marriage, which is more important to her.

I can't give any tips that are guaranteed to work, as I don't know your wife, but the best I can do is to bring it up gradually, and not be accusatory. It's like trying to get a chipmunk to eat out of your hand. One sudden move and they'll run off, but with patience, they'll be sitting on your shoulder in no time.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

alexm said:


> She needs to communicate with OP and stat. Like yesterday. He needs, no - is OWED an explanation for this.
> 
> See, the thing is - she knows what is going on. She may be confused about some things, isn't sure about this or that, etc. Doesn't matter. She's a grown woman, who had sex with her boyfriend fairly regularly (albeit via his initiation only), and it's come to a full stop less than 3 months into the marriage. Sex ONCE, 2 days after the wedding?
> 
> There's an explanation for this, and she knows what it is.


Yup. My wife had a similar trajectory. Her issue was her childhood sex abuse. She knew it all along in the marriage that it was a serious problem but never said a word to me. She denied any abuse or assault when I asked 3 different times. She refused to go to MC when I asked.

Ultimately the reason for OP's wife's issues don't matter. What matters is getting her to recognize there is a *marital* problem which needs her to take action. She has to feel a true need to seek change, which can only happen if OP makes her uncomfortable.

OP needs to confront her, though it can be done in a calm polite manner. She can choose to take strong action to address whatever the cause is within her, or not. And then OP can decide how to proceed.

Note to OP, when she starts changing it will be upsetting to you somewhat. Change is uncomfortable even when it is good change. But don't avoid it out of fear.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Here is what you know:
Your wife has a sex drive.
Your wife does not want to have sex with you (lack of attraction to you).

Now, you have the possiblity that she is a lesbian. But, there is also to possibility that your actions and behaviors are turning her off. One great way to turn off a woman is to be scared you will lose her and allow her to mistreat you because you are afraid of upsetting her. Based on your description that is a real possiblity too.

So you have to figure out whether it's your lack of manliness or her lesbianism that is the reason. Disconnect and tell her you will not tolerate this sitauation any more and you will get your answer. Disconnection and not tolerating are the acts of a confident attractive man.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon Anon Pink
I'm usually very willing to give the benefit of the doubt, but this looks really bad. The woman was engaging in an active sex life (even if she wan't initiating), when stopped almost immediately after marriage. 

Its possible something changed, but it looks an awful lot like she was having sex she didn't particularly want in order to "catch" a husband. 

It is consistent with her being a lesbian, who (for social or other reasons) wanted to get married and did what she had to do to get what she wanted.

Maybe its not intentional, she thought she would enjoy sex once she was married. Maybe she only stumbled on lesbian porn after getting married and discovered her orientation. Its possible that the OP has changed his behavior in some way that is driving her away. All possible, but the way I would bet.


Whatever the cause they need counseling RIGHT NOW. And they need to avoid getting her pregnant at all costs. I fear that she may use him yet again to secure her situation.


We aren't hearing from her. The situation may be completely different from what I am imagining. 




Anon Pink said:


> We don't know that! What we do know is that she is inexperienced, inhibited, and not comfortable talking about sex. We also know their relationship has never stretched her comfort zone.
> 
> This could turn out well, but only if the OP makes this the issue it rightly deserves to be. If he waits for her to figure it out on her own, it will be a mighty long time.


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## BrightEyes86 (Nov 1, 2014)

Whether or not she's a lesbian at this point is moot, because your marriage is suffering. Sex is a super important part of a relationship, and if you can't be open and honest with one another things are not going to get better. You're going to have to bring this up with her, no matter how uncomfortable she is with it. Find a way to let her know that by initiating this conversation you aren't expecting anything from her but honesty. She shuts you down when you try to get physical, so try putting some physical space between you when you talk. Sit in chairs instead of on the couch, maintain an open body posture without reaching out for her as she might take it as a come-on. And pay attention to her body posture as you're speaking. If she's sitting with arms and legs crossed, or curling up in a ball, she's clearly trying to shut out the world. But if as she speaks she opens up more, puts her feet on the floor, gestures with her hands and arms, those are signs that she's opening up, and that's what you're looking for.

If it all leads up to an admission that she's into women then you suspicions were correct and you can start moving on. But it could be something else. Maybe she's not interested in sex at all, with either men or women. Some women are under the impression that one they get married they don't have to have sex at all. I've actually heard someone say "I can't wait for the wedding to be over so I don't have to blow him anymore", and it's kind of messed up. But maybe that's what she was thinking. Or maybe something happened to her at some point, either before you got together or after, that has caused her to repress her sexuality. Maybe she was assaulted and hasn't told anyone, maybe someone propositioned her and she's terrified she's just a sex object, maybe something else entirely.

But at this point all we're doing is speculating as to what the issue might be. The only way to tell for sure is to suck it up and talk to her. The first conversation isn't going to reveal everything, but it needs to happen. If she's completely unresponsive and shuts down any attempt to discuss this at all, then you need to let her know you can't spend the rest of your life in a sexless marriage. Where the conversation goes from there is up to both of you.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

BrightEyes86 said:


> Whether or not she's a lesbian at this point is moot, because your marriage is suffering. Sex is a super important part of a relationship, and if you can't be open and honest with one another things are not going to get better. You're going to have to bring this up with her, no matter how uncomfortable she is with it. Find a way to let her know that by initiating this conversation you aren't expecting anything from her but honesty. She shuts you down when you try to get physical, so try putting some physical space between you when you talk. Sit in chairs instead of on the couch, maintain an open body posture without reaching out for her as she might take it as a come-on. And pay attention to her body posture as you're speaking. If she's sitting with arms and legs crossed, or curling up in a ball, she's clearly trying to shut out the world. But if as she speaks she opens up more, puts her feet on the floor, gestures with her hands and arms, those are signs that she's opening up, and that's what you're looking for.
> 
> If it all leads up to an admission that she's into women then you suspicions were correct and you can start moving on. But it could be something else. Maybe she's not interested in sex at all, with either men or women. Some women are under the impression that one they get married they don't have to have sex at all. I've actually heard someone say "I can't wait for the wedding to be over so I don't have to blow him anymore", and it's kind of messed up. But maybe that's what she was thinking. Or maybe something happened to her at some point, either before you got together or after, that has caused her to repress her sexuality. Maybe she was assaulted and hasn't told anyone, maybe someone propositioned her and she's terrified she's just a sex object, maybe something else entirely.
> 
> But at this point all we're doing is speculating as to what the issue might be. The only way to tell for sure is to suck it up and talk to her. The first conversation isn't going to reveal everything, but it needs to happen. If she's completely unresponsive and shuts down any attempt to discuss this at all, then you need to let her know you can't spend the rest of your life in a sexless marriage. Where the conversation goes from there is up to both of you.


Brighteyes very well said.
Again we all remember the honeymoon stages of our marriages and this is so not normal.
He should have a talk with her and show that he is more than willing to walk away.
Showing strength is the only way to go.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

richardsharpe said:


> Good afternoon Anon Pink
> I'm usually very willing to give the benefit of the doubt, but this looks really bad. The woman was engaging in an active sex life (even if she wan't initiating), *when stopped almost immediately after marriage. *
> 
> Its possible something changed, but it looks an awful lot like she was having sex she didn't particularly want in order to "catch" a husband.


Actually, this doesn't seem to be the case at all, quite the opposite. The sex dwindled before he even proposed over two years ago. He said when they got engaged, it was their lowest point sexually. 

They've only been married a couple of months. There was no bait and switch, sex didn't stop right after the wedding - it had already dwindled:



lk1999 said:


> My wife (who is a few years younger) and I have been together 5 years, and were friends for a year before that.
> 
> At the start of the relationship our sex life was great, just like most people find it. We were having lazy days in bed were we would make love so many times that I would lose count, it was frequent and it was always very good - however I have to point out it was *always* me initiating it and also leading the way.
> 
> ...


OP, it seems like you and your wife started disconnecting after she moved in with her parents. You never actually re-connected sexually after that and after she moved in with you 9 months ago. 

Your problems started years ago, you married her anyway under the mistaken expectation that, once married, sex would magically improve without actually doing anything to try to change anything. You expected that after the stress of wedding planning was over, she'd be back to the way she was with you sexually. 

But, the wedding planning stress wasn't the problem at all. The problem of dwindling sex had already started years before that. So the lack of wedding planning stress wasn't going to "fix" anything.

You and your wife need to reconnect. Start dating each other again, PLAN something that you and your wife can do together alone, plan a weekend getaway, plan to take some dance classes together, or tennis or bike riding or concerts or anything that focuses on the two of you together. 

Then up your game! Seduce her! Remember when you first met and you did whatever you did to get a date and then court her and seduce her? Try doing that again. After 5 years together, yeah, things can get stale if you've stopped treating her like she's the girl you want to date. If you never did any of that stuff in the beginning because she was so hot for you, then START doing those things to show her that she's not just a wife - she's your lover, treat her like one.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Brilliant NoraJane!


ETA: Richard, what she said...

It's natural to read through our own lenses ...all of us. I just don't think the OP has examined what might be happening through his wife's eyes and I think that's what both NoraJane and I have tried to do here.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Anon Pink
Absolutely agree
There are inevitably gaps in stories here and we each fill in from our own experience. I hope anyone looking for advice is aware that people with the best of intentions may give terrible advice because they have made wrong assumptions .




Anon Pink said:


> snip
> It's natural to read through our own lenses ...all of us. .


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening Anon Pink
> Absolutely agree
> There are inevitably gaps in stories here and we each fill in from our own experience. I hope anyone looking for advice is aware that people with the best of intentions may give terrible advice because they have made wrong assumptions .



:iagree:

You get what you pay for.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Read MMSLP.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

I don't care what is planned for the weekends, the day starts in bed with intimacy, and ends the same way. She can make all the plans she wants, make your own plans as well. Compromise and work together to make sure you are both happy and get what you want out of the relationship. If she wants a buddy to pal around with all weekend and you want a wife to be intimate with and have sex with, do both. 

My wife did the same with lesbian porn, but never secretly. She openly enjoyed it and would at times get off with me while watching a lesbian video... much faster than with other videos or without. Years later she is open about being bisexual, so watching lesbian porn may mean something, or it may not. Maybe she just wants a softer touch, or wants everything intimacy has to offer except penetration, grunting, and some guy orgasming inside her and flopping down on her after he is done. Kissing, touching, rubbing, licking, and that's it. 

Maybe.

Communicate with your wife. You "think" she wasn't with someone sexually before you? I mean, I'm not road map to a successful marriage but if you are both that disinterested in sharing those parts of your life and history, then I really don't know what to say. I mean, not wanting to know how many partners, or what she did is one thing, but completely just not knowing if she has ever had sex prior to you, yet unsure because you've never talked about it? Crazy. You need to learn to talk and ask things that you are curious about. It's good in some cases to pretend the past is the past, but a basic question about her being a virgin should not be left up to your assumption. Obviously you guys never learned how to communicate.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

norajane said:


> Actually, this doesn't seem to be the case at all, quite the opposite. The sex dwindled before he even proposed over two years ago. He said when they got engaged, it was their lowest point sexually.
> 
> They've only been married a couple of months. There was no bait and switch, sex didn't stop right after the wedding - it had already dwindled:
> 
> ...



This is good. But, use condoms just in case this plan does not produce the desired effect!


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

A lot of women like lesbian porn... but are not lesbian.

Maybe she is a bit more comfortable with it? 

Not sure why people bring up alimony and god knows what else. There is no alimony usually when both spouses work. 

Maybe she loves you but is not "in love" or hasn't been with anyone/explored her sexuality. 

I know its hard but you should TALK to her.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Look, you can sit and do nothing or you can open your mouth and voice your concern about the lack of sex and the way she's acting. 

You can do this in a way without going off on her by screaming and shouting. Let her know that you feel there's something wrong and want to know the reason why she's so untouchable. In other words put the ball in her court and let her know that there needs to be a change and not just in the bed but also with communication that is really lacking. 

Sometimes you have to shake the tree a bit and this is one time it needs shaken.


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