# Update on my situation (agian, serious advise only please)



## confused husband (Sep 10, 2011)

ok, here is the latest. I still have not brought this topic up with the wife (just dont know how to start the conversation). Today, she leaned over to buckle her son in the back seat and her breast where in my face. Instead of thinking "Wow, breast in my face", all i can think is "I wonder if the other man liked those breast". And of course that got the pictures of her and this other man in my head, making me sick to my stomach where i could even eat lunch (which is where we were going). Please, someone help me get over these feelings. I can't make this marriage work on my own, with all this going on. 

My wife and I separated in September of 2011. Before and after the separation I was about 90% sure that she had cheated on me, but never confronted her about it and she said the text to this guy was innocent texting. We got back together in December 2011 and agreed for a "Fresh Start". In April of this year I discovered that she did in fact cheat on me in September 2011. I also discovered that a friend of hers was constantly asking her for sex (and she always told him no and that it would never happen). I also found her texting another friend. This other guy is a good guy and a good friend and he doesn't do anything with anyone besides his girlfriend (hes one of those that only sleeps with his girlfriend and has to be in a relationship before they do anything, I know it's kinda unheard of now in days, that's just his beliefs). They texted for a few weeks (all innocent) and then they joked about dirty pics. He sent her a pic of a pile of dirt, telling her this was his dirty pic (thought it was funny as hell) but he did send a pic of him in a towel (nothing showing but his face/chest. At no time did my wife send him a pic of her in return. I confronted her about all of this and I told her that if we were going to work on things between us, I needed her to prove to me that I can trust her again and that I am the only man for her. We talked about us and she is very happy being back with me. She is still not physically attracted to me or physically happy with herself (that's why our sex life is pretty crappy), but she wants to be with me, loves me and doesn't want to loose me. She is emotionally attracted to me just not physically. I told her to prove to me that I am the only man for her and that she wants to be with me, she needs to do a few things to prove it and that these things will help me get over the fact that she cheated, betrayed, hurt me: 
1.) Change her last name. We have been married for 2 1/2 years and she has yet to change her name (She has a son and wants the same name as him).
2.) Tell the guy that keeps asking for sex to quit asking. She just tells him no and that it will never happen. 
3.) Tell the guy that sent the pic of him to her that I didn't appreciate it (even if it was innocent).
4.) Work together on our physical problem's so that she can be attracted to me again as well as herself and work on our sex life.

It has been over two months and she hasn't done any of my request. She deleted her facebook account and that is why she says she hasn't told these guys this yet. She doesn't communicate with either one of them anymore. I am having been having major promblems with this. Every time i look at her, i picture in my head her sleeping with this other guy (pretty graphic pictures in my head). I dont have the urge to have sex with her anymore, and when we do, i wonder if shes thinking about the other guy pleasing her instead of me. I get sick to my stomach when I get these pictures in my head. 

ARE THESE FEELINGS EVER GOING TO GO AWAY?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

"2.) Tell the guy that keeps asking for sex to quit asking. All she does is tell him no."

Somebody is asking for a sex from your wife and you're here asking for an advice? :scratchhead:


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Just posted some which might help on your other thread.


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## confused husband (Sep 10, 2011)

keko said:


> "2.)
> Somebody is asking for a sex from your wife and you're here asking for an advice? :scratchhead:


at least she tells him no, she also tells him it will never happen...just want her to tell him don't ever ask agian


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## ScubaSteve61 (Mar 20, 2012)

confused husband said:


> at least she tells him no, she also tells him it will never happen...just want her to tell him don't ever ask agian


You might want to go more along the lines of "Just want her to never talk to him again."

He keeps asking. There must be a reason he is asking. Because he thinks in the back of his head that if he keeps asking, she'll eventually say yes.


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## confused husband (Sep 10, 2011)

She dont talk to him anymore...but thats not what i wanted her to do to help me.


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## ScubaSteve61 (Mar 20, 2012)

confused husband said:


> She dont talk to him anymore...but thats not what i wanted her to do to help me.


What we want and what we need aren't always the same beast. What you want is for her to tell him to stop asking. What you need is for her to have no possibility of contact with him, or with a guy who sends half naked pictures of himself to someone else's wife, whatsoever. 

Until these fishermen are out of the picture, permanently, in the back of your head will always be the thought "what if she says yes?" or "what if she sends pictures back?"

Trust, once broken, is one of the hardest things in the world to mend.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Please understand that while a former cheating wife can certainly help her betrayed husband through her actions, she does not have the capacity to heal him. As unfair as it sounds, your healing is dependent on you, not her

This is the reason why I harp constantly about why all BS should seek therapy wiht a professional counselor who specializes in helping victims of infidelity and other traumatic disorders to process the devastation of marital betrayal in a healthy fashion. This forum is great because you get the emotional support from others that have already experienced - or are experiencing -what you are now going through, but nevertheless it is no substitute for therapy.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

confused husband said:


> ok, here is the latest. I still have not brought this topic up with the wife (just dont know how to start the conversation). Today, she leaned over to buckle her son in the back seat and her breast where in my face. Instead of thinking "Wow, breast in my face", all i can think is "I wonder if the other man liked those breast". And of course that got the pictures of her and this other man in my head, making me sick to my stomach where i could even eat lunch (which is where we were going). Please, someone help me get over these feelings. I can't make this marriage work on my own, with all this going on. Below is a brief of what’s been going on and here is the link to the original forum (for you to view the original advise from people) http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...-advice-serious-advice-please.html#post745996
> 
> My wife and I separated in September of 2011. Before and after the separation I was about 90% sure that she had cheated on me, but never confronted her about it and she said the text to this guy was innocent texting. We got back together in December 2011 and agreed for a "Fresh Start". In April of this year I discovered that she did in fact cheat on me in September 2011. I also discovered that a friend of hers was constantly asking her for sex (and she always told him no and that it would never happen). I also found her texting another friend. This other guy is a good guy and a good friend and he doesn't do anything with anyone besides his girlfriend (hes one of those that only sleeps with his girlfriend and has to be in a relationship before they do anything, I know it's kinda unheard of now in days, that's just his beliefs). They texted for a few weeks (all innocent) and then they joked about dirty pics. He sent her a pic of a pile of dirt, telling her this was his dirty pic (thought it was funny as hell) but he did send a pic of him in a towel (nothing showing but his face/chest. At no time did my wife comment on the pic of him, nor did she send him a pic of her in return. Nothing has been said by either one of them in text after the pic and it has went back to casual talk between them about how their lives are going (all innocent talk). I confronted her about all of this and I told her that if we were going to work on things between us, I needed proof that I can trust her again and that I am the only man for her. We talked about us and she is very happy being back with me. She is still not physically attracted to me or physically happy with herself (that's why our sex life is pretty crappy), but she wants to be with me, loves me and doesn't want to loose me. She is emotionally attracted to me just not physically. I told her to prove to me that I am the only man for her and that she wants to be with me, she needs to do a few things to prove it and that these things will help me get over the fact that she cheated, betrayed, hurt me:
> 1.) Change her last name. We have been married for 2 1/2 years and she has yet to change her name (She has a son and wants the same name as him).
> ...


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I don't understand this. You separated back in 2011 and got back together a few months later. Months after this you found out that your wife had cheated on you while separated and your wife initially lied to you that she had not. You clearly got back together again based on false information from your wife. Why did you remain when you found out she cheated?

On your another question it seems quite obvious. All your wife has to say is stop asking period or I will contact your significant other and file sexual harassment charges against him. What this man is doing is humiliating you. What I found most disturbing is that she is not sounding angry about this even though she says no she continues to engage with him. If your wife was truly serious about this I guarantee you it would stop.

So what do we have. Your wife lied and cheated on you while you were separated saying she did not cheat. She then proceeds to put your health at risk for STD's when you find out later she lied to your face and indeed cheated on you. This should have been the deal breaker for you. You then find out another man has constantly been asking your wife for sex and she continues to talk with him. If the roles were reversed would your wife have put up with such humiliation and disrespect from you? If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

My rule of thumb since becoming single again:
If a woman tells me that she "wants to be with me" but "isn't sexually attracted to me", she is telling me she is only with me for financial support.
Were I EVER to be stupid enough to get married again, I would continue to apply the rule.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

hookares said:


> My rule of thumb since becoming single again:
> If a woman tells me that she "wants to be with me" but "isn't sexually attracted to me", she is telling me *she is only with me for financial support.*
> Were I EVER to be stupid enough to get married again, I would continue to apply the rule.


That's the thought in my head when I read the OP's post.

No sexual attraction. And not taking your name? She's together with you for financial reasons, I would think.

Could she still be hung up on the child's biological father?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You tell me---How long can your mge survive, as a sexless/loveless mge---Some spouses may be able to live like roommates---can you????---Can she?????----then the next question becomes, who tween the 2 of you will cheat 1st---cuz unless you both want to drop out of life altogether, you both are gonna get sexual urges/desires----whoever acts on the urges/desires, will end up cheating----

Your visions, they may be with you the rest of your life---or they may go away, in a shorter time period----If you two were to D/Sep---the visions might go quicker----probably due to the fact the she herself is a main trigger for you.


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## confused husband (Sep 10, 2011)

We r getting off track. I dont think she contacts them anymore (99.9% sure, when i told her the list of things to do, i made a deal that i would not check her computer/phone anymore) The purpose of this forum is about my feelings. I am happy with her, but the feelings wont go away. I have kept my end of the deal and not once looked at her stuff. i just want to know will these feeling disapate if she does my list and how to confront her about the list not being completed or started and my feelings.


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## Encore DT (May 29, 2012)

Do you feel that she wants to mend things? Granted, we only have your side of the story here, but it sounds like you're the only one who wants to make this marriage work.


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## confused husband (Sep 10, 2011)

Good question, she did when we first got back together and ive asked your a few times since and she says shes happy. But if she's truely happy, you would think she would do the list for me. I did my part (except tell her about what i'm going through right now).


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## Encore DT (May 29, 2012)

From everything you've said it seems like you're beating at a dead horse. All of the enthusiasm is coming from you and no initiative from her...


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## confused husband (Sep 10, 2011)

Very true, but I'm just as guilty. I have yet to get off my but and tell her about how this is bothering me and let her know how serious my request were. I want to be with her, just wondering if her not doing the list is a sign that she is unhappy and don't want to be with me. Is it to late to bring the list up agian?


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## Encore DT (May 29, 2012)

Timing is everything, but does she care? Does she ask what's bothering you? Can she tell that SOMETHING is? Seems like if she did, she would find a way to ask you about it, and you seem pretty eager to tell her.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

tell her how important it is to you. tell her you have not done any spying, so you kept your end of the agreement, now it is time for her to do her part. say,if you won't honor your word, why should I honor mine.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

confused husband said:


> We r getting off track. I dont think she contacts them anymore (99.9% sure, *when i told her the list of things to do, i made a deal that i would not check her computer/phone anymore*) The purpose of this forum is about my feelings. I am happy with her, but the feelings wont go away. I have kept my end of the deal and not once looked at her stuff. i just want to know will these feeling disapate if she does my list and how to confront her about the list not being completed or started and my feelings.


First off, I bolded the portion I think isn't a wise move to help you get over these feelings. Being able to check up on your wife to rebuild trust is vital while in R. If she has nothing to hide, she should take no issue with you checking up.

As it stands, I highly doubt the feelings you're experiencing will disapate even if your wife complies with your list. You have no way to verify and rebuild trust, so the doubts will linger causing the mind movies to replay over and over again.

I've been in R for a year and a half with a WS who has done everything I asked to heal, including me being able to check up on him whenever and however I wish, and I still get those random negative thoughts. H suggested sexting recently while were were bantering via text and I couldn't, because I didn't know for sure if he ever sexted with the OW.

My point, odds are you will always get the yuck feelings. Hopefully over time they will diminish in intensity and happen less frequently, but that can only happen if she can earn back your trust. I don't think it's possible to earn back trust without being able to verify a known liar and cheat is being trustworthy. 

Side note, yes this forum is about your feelings, but it's also about how to cope with infidelity. It is only my opinion, but I _don't_ think allowing your wife privacy on her computer/phone is the best way to cope with her infidelity. Please reconsider. What do you have to loose? If you say you'll loose your wife, then she is already lost.

As far as reminding your wife to comply with your list. I say take it as an opportunity to check up on her computer/phone activities. Afterwards tell her you did it and if she gets mad, you can remind her she didn't follow through on her end of the deal, so it is now null and void. I wouldn't agree to the original deal again if she follows through, tell her transparency has now been added to your list since you need it to help with the mind movies and negative thoughts.


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