# Share versus scare



## toxxik (May 20, 2013)

Ok, I have realized that communication with DH could be better but I need some guidance to find the balance between sharing needs/wants and flat scaring him into thinking I have gone off the deep end. 
A little background....we have been together for 18yrs and I am his one and only partner, ever. I brought some experienced into the relationship but nothing more than basic vanilla. Problem is I think DH is pretty much just cream, haven't even got the vanilla added in yet. I would love to change things up a little but I think I might freak him out since we never talk about our sex life and I can't get him to even flirt outside the bedroom. I've even tried s simple suggestive text and it was responded to with Oh.

So from those that have crossed these barriers, how did you do it???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Sounds like you might be HD and he is LD and just likes the vanilla.

I would say, just hint at what you'd like to do and when its time for sex, just do it and surprise him, bit by bit.

If you want to dress up and role play, just do it.

If you want a quickie in the middle of the night, just do it.

In the car, just do it,

Outside, just do it.

If you want to try toys, just buy them and say, try this on me tonight. Just do it.

If you want him to have anal sex with you, while doing doggie or missionary, just move him to the other area and guide him in.

I don't know what you think would freak him out. For me, nothing much freaks me out except sex is just between my wifee and I and no third or fourth party.

Try 69 or missionary with your legs together and his on the outside. He might be more of the sexual passive guy and then you should be the initiator. Unlimited things you can try.......

http://www.wewomen.ca/relationships/album871381/sex-positions-kamasutra-sex-positions-0.html


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## MicroStorm (Aug 10, 2012)

You've been together 18 years and he doesn't even have the "vanilla added in yet"...? Seriously...was that a typo or have you really been together 18 years? To your question, I've struggled with this over the years in terms of vocalizing my desires and reasonable fantasies to the wife out of fear she would be dismissive or flat-out make fun of me altogether, but she's been receptive for the most-part and has also been more suggestive and vocal with me on her desires. This has helped us immensely in the bedroom department, but it was a discussion that did not come easy for me.

I'm very introverted and quiet and my wife doesn't respond well to criticism, so for a long time I never broached the subject, mostly because I didn't know how. I realized in the last year or so that I wasn't getting any younger and that if I wanted to improve my desires in the bedroom and get her to do new things or at least reconsider things she used to do, I best ask and hopefully get an honest answer even if that meant rejection.

The wife and I have been fairly adventurous over the years (albeit, often a sexless marriage until recently), but I wanted more from her. I don't encourage this for everyone, but I found it best to consume alcohol to lighten the mood and my inhibitions, and made sure she was relaxed and not stressed from work or anything else and broached the subject then (maybe a bath together?). To my surprise, the initial conversation went very well. It opened the door for future discussions, and even outside of the bedroom she's been more approachable and sexual lately.

Of course, everyone's definition of vanilla is different. Generally speaking, what kinds of things do you have in mind?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

toxxik said:


> So from those that have crossed these barriers, how did you do it???


Nothing works like the direct approach.

When I say works, I don't necessarily mean gets you the results you want.

Your post if full of guesswork. You don't know what he wants. You don't know if he's interested in expanding your sex life and scared to try or disinterested completely. You're acting in an information vacuum that makes every step a guess and a gamble.

So you have to ask. Not in the heat of the moment in the bedroom, but before, when you're at the dinner table. I understand that this seems like a risk to a person with a sexually unadventurous spouse. So don't spill all the beans at once. If you're into dungeons and ball gags, start out by asking about something less threatening like a blindfold. 

But most of all, talk about it, even if only around the edges. You have to find out if his vanilla character is intentional or accidental for you to know what to do next. His being a little nervous is a whole different situation than being repulsed. You won't know where to go until you know which you're dealing with.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

You will probably need to do the ages old "honey, we need to talk" thing. Then sit down and open up with "well, I am feeling that we need a bit more spice in the bedroom, can we talk about ideas we each have on how to do that?"....and then gauge his reaction and go from there. If he shuts you down, you will know you are not going to have an easy time of this.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Has he said something that makes you think this would freak him out?

He may be assuming the same about you.

Try talking to him directly about it and see what he thinks, feels, wants. 

It might be that he'll find the exciting sex goddess unleashing herself on him very erotic.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Adding spice, especially at this point in the relationship, is a bit tricky but essentially just like cooking when not following a recipe. Add some, give a taste. Add some more, give another taste. Add something different, stir it up and give another taste.

Keep trying. keep sending texts. Send a few that are relatively mild. Send a few that are very suggestive, send a naughty pic and ask him to name the body part. Hint: corner of your elbow is always fun but I don't suggest starting with that! 

This would be the same advice for a man as well. And bravo to you for seeking to make your marriage as fulfilling as possible!


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

I mean.. there have to be a zillion little things you can simply try in bed without making a big deal of it, right?

Seee what he responds to, if you want him to take a more active role.. position yourself accordingly, guide, nudge, smile. ;-)

This may not be a 'problem'.. this may be a very entertaining time for the both of you. You have 18 years under your belt - stop worrying and get busy - you have a certain amount of trust built up by now. Cash some of it in.

I wouldnt go straight for the bu++plugs and handcuffs, but just start on some of the small things that would really get your groove going...and his too. Take a few chances and (ready for this?) if it doesnt go as nicely as you hope, dont despair! That just means you didnt strike gold in the first spot.

My guess is.. and it is only a guess... that he may not be as 'cream' as you think. Wouldnt that be interesting, hm?


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## maynsx (May 21, 2013)

you will know you are not going to have an easy time of this.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

You know I had this problem with my big guy. I have a feeling I am a generation of two older than you and lets say things were a little more taboo back in my day. Well I have always been a little more of a free spirit and wouldn't you know I would marry the stuffed shirt. Well things were fine for the first couple of years but that didn't last very long for me, I wanted alot more variety than him. Here is how I started. I started by giving him messages. You would be surprised all the types of sensual messages and books on sensual messages there are and what you can use to give messages with ....your hands, fingers, lips, tongues......then there is oils and lotions etc..... Of course I started with I just wanted to give him a message to relax his poor sore muscles...hmmmm


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