# Normal Sex after Porn Addiction



## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

My husband is a recovering porn addict, is and has been in therapy for a year and has been clean for a year. He has always told me has has NO triggers, etc and we would fight about this all the time. His therapist would tell me it wasn't important for me to know his triggers.

So the other day I sent him a text while I was at work. It wasn't a bad one but it was a bit racy. So that night we fought over something totally different but that came out in the argument. He said "Do you think that was smart of you to send me something like that when you aren't home with me?" So that weighed on me heavily as now I realized that was a trigger. Today we were arguing a bit and I got up to shower to get away. He came to the shower and started talking and I told him that I was really concerned about the text and the text comment. I told him that it concerned me that I could not be sexual with him now as it triggered him and that he couldn't tell the difference between sex with his wife and porn "sex." He said all this time I talked to him about his triggers and now he realizes this may be one. He said he can't talk about it or think about it.

I feel completely cheated and heartbroken. This is something that I was always concerned about. Normal sex will trigger the porn addiction.

Has anyone here dealt with this?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

hifromme67 said:


> I told him that it concerned me that I could not be sexual with him now as it triggered him and that he couldn't tell the difference between sex with his wife and porn "sex."


I find THIS to be rather problematic, and perhaps a area of where your self esteem has likely been scarred by your husband's past use of porn. THIS notion of yours that your husband can't tell the difference between you and porn, and that perhaps he is just using you as an alternate means of satisfying his addiction... 

Porn = solo experience
Wife = Partnered experience 
Addiction = ???

...what is it about "porn" that you husband was addicted to? Was is "sex?" Ummm, no it was likely that he has "compulsive habits" that he struggles to control. He likely needs a means to self sooth, and porn/masturbation was likely his favorite way to calm himself down when he had an anxiety attack.

You sent you husband a text that gave him an "anxiety attack" which in turn triggered his compulsive behavior patterns to calm himself down. 

What part about anxiety and your husband's need to calm himself down, will benefit from you accusing him as if he is using you the same as porn? Is he doing that? YES, he needs you to calm himself down! Does he need sex for that? NO, it is not about sex, it is about having someone there with him to help calm an anxiety attack. 

I could be completely wrong, but this is me thinking candidly.

For the record I do not think there is a problem with porn, as long as there is no compulsive behaviors associated with it that are destructive and prevent one from working and taking care of themselves and those that depend upon them. Some people can handle it in moderation and some people can not. 

One thing that will make it bad is shaming a person for struggling with it. Shame does all kinds of horrible things to one's sexuality. Much like shaming someone for being overweight and eating unhealthy. You first have to love and accept yourself just the way you are, THEN work on making healthier choices in life.

Badsanta


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## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

badsanta said:


> I find THIS to be rather problematic, and perhaps a area of where your self esteem has likely been scarred by your husband's past use of porn. THIS notion of yours that your husband can't tell the difference between you and porn, and that perhaps he is just using you as an alternate means of satisfying his addiction...
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I didn't accuse him of using me, but I did say that it concerned me he couldn't separate the two. By me sending him that text, that triggered him to want to watch porn. How can I ever have a normal, healthy sex life with him if anything I do or say may trigger him? For example, I can't wear lingerie, no sexy talk, etc. I was cheated for 2 years and now once again I am being cheated. 

Porn is not acceptable in my marriage. We are both Catholic and he knows if he wants to stay in the marriage, the porn must never be a part of it again. 

I just don't know how to deal with our sex life and his triggers. 


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

hifromme67 said:


> We are both Catholic and he knows if he wants to stay in the marriage, the porn must never be a part of it again.
> 
> I just don't know how to deal with our sex life and his triggers.


The Catholic Church also teaches that masturbation is a sin. 

Many people closely associate porn and masturbation as one and the same because it is a solo experience. Even if adult materials (books and video) were to be intended for educational use, once combined with masturbation they become sinful because of the users sinful intent. 

Is THIS what is forbidden in your marriage?


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## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

Yes. Porn and masturbation. 


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

hifromme67 said:


> Yes. Porn and masturbation.


My wife is Catholic and shared your same struggle early in our marriage. She strongly objected to porn, and was also against masturbation. She thought the idea of masturbation was something that was perhaps understandable during teenage years for men to prevent themselves from engaging in premarital sex, but that once married and as an adult there should no longer be any use for it.

I on the other hand shared many of her views that porn was the same as prostitution or watching prostitutes working, and that it had a wealth of other problematic issues it could cause. Some instances of porn are the result of human sex trafficking and criminal extortion by violent gangs. Not all porn is that way though, but there is enough of that out there that it should make even the most liberal person's stomach turn that content such as that easily gets mixed in with all the rest. 

At the same time in my marriage, I also agreed with my wife that there were many aspects of masturbation that are problematic in marriage. Particularly if one lies about it or feels ashamed. So I stopped lying to my wife about any of my habits and opened up to her. This lead to many discussions and debates that took place over many years. Here is where we are today.

I view masturbation as healthy. In that one can not share themselves sexually with a spouse unless you first know yourself. I prefer not to use porn, but instead enjoy fantasizing about my own wife. She now has the confidence to enjoy nurturing these fantasies. If we are going to have sex, she prefer that I not masturbate for a day or two ahead of time in order to cultivate sexual energy for her as she enjoys feeling me extremely aroused when we are together. She however does not have the same drive as me, and needs some space after sex (few days) before I initiate again, so during this time she does not mind me exploring my own fantasies of her. 

My wife does not enjoy masturbation and views it as something that is more problematic than beneficial. She prefers that sexuality is something reserved only for a spouse to explore and discover. She has little to no guidance on what things excite her, but she enjoys me exploring in our relationship and the two of us making those discoveries together. 

While we don't exactly agree with each other's views on masturbation, we have grown to accept each other views over the years and understand how to be respectful towards each other. 

I would encourage you to address porn and masturbation as completely separate topics with your husband. Place much more emphasis on porn as the problem and try to tackle that one first. Then if you have different views on masturbation, tackle that problem second as a separate issue. If you both agree that porn has no place in your marriage, that should be easy to accomplish. If you both think masturbation has no place in your marriage, you may find yourself struggling to define what is OK and not OK in your marriage. What is important is to have very open channels of communication, be patient, and accept the fact that no one is perfect. 

From a religious perspective I think god designed us all to be imperfect, because that is what teaches us what love is truly all about. 

Hope that helps, 
Badsanta


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## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

We spoke more last night and he explained what he meant when he told me about sending the text. He said he is trying to be clean, really clean and for him that means no talk of it (I'm assuming sex) with anyone. That concerns me because like I said, he should be able to be sexual with me without being triggered to have porn triggers. I just don't want to feel like I have to cut off my limbs in order for him to survive. I know that sounds mean but those are my true feelings. There is a book my therapist suggested but it would take both of us working on sex and he pretty much avoids any talk of it.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

hifromme67 said:


> We spoke more last night and he explained what he meant when he told me about sending the text. *He said he is trying to be clean, really clean and for him that means no talk of it (I'm assuming sex) with anyone.* That concerns me because like I said, he should be able to be sexual with me without being triggered to have porn triggers. I just don't want to feel like I have to cut off my limbs in order for him to survive. I know that sounds mean but those are my true feelings. There is a book my therapist suggested but it would take both of us working on sex and he pretty much avoids any talk of it.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I'm not a porn addict - or at least I don't think that I am - but I wonder if this is more of a temporary means to help ensure that he remains porn free. IDK, if he's been clean for 1 year, maybe that is not long enough of a time for him to feel like he is out of the woods with this. It sounds like he's still fighting a serious internal struggle with himself and that his temptation to use porn again is still pretty high. Maybe open and honest dialogue about his temptations with you can help speed his recovery - especially if you can be there to help him. I would think that whenever he's thinking about porn, he should be trying to change the thoughts back to you.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

hifromme67 said:


> We spoke more last night and he explained what he meant when he told me about sending the text. He said he is trying to be clean, really clean and for him that means no talk of it (I'm assuming sex) with anyone. That concerns me because like I said, he should be able to be sexual with me without being triggered to have porn triggers. I just don't want to feel like I have to cut off my limbs in order for him to survive. I know that sounds mean but those are my true feelings. There is a book my therapist suggested but it would take both of us working on sex and he pretty much avoids any talk of it.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Is he OK with you being sensual and playful as long as you are there WITH him, or do you fear that will trigger him to want porn as well?

If your husband struggles to communicate about sex with you, you may find it helpful to engage in a conversation about what things he needs to calm/cool down in the event he get aroused, and what are things you can do to help him with that aside from sex. And try to help discover acts of love that help with this as opposed to the proverbial cold shower. 

Porn for those with a compulsive habit towards it is something that is "extremely stimulating," "distracting" and "rewarding." So with that in mind, what things could you help provide for your husband that are "extremely stimulating," "distracting" and "rewarding" that will make him feel loved and closer to you in the event he finds himself in a moment of needing your help?

A fun example may be to buy him a remote control helicopter (some cost as little as $20) and attach a card to it with some words of encouragement for him. Have this set aside and for him to only plan to use it in a moment of crisis to help. 

Another example may be an expensive set of headphones and a premium subscription to an online music service, such as Spotify or something. Let him use that as often as he wants. You can even make playlists for him so that he thinks about you and feels loved. 

You can also talk to him about trying to redirect any anxiety into doing something constructive, such as hiking, biking, or any form of exercise. 

The point is to help plan for his next moment of weakness as if it will happen, and have a variety of ways to help him cope and to help him feel that you love him and care about him. If you can find ways to do this that are also "fun" for him, then you are hitting a home run. 

Switching gears...

Now if you want to be playful with him and cultivate some sexual energy with him that will permeate throughout the day and make everything flirtatious, you will need to be sure and minimize anything that may cause him anxiety. An example may be to schedule sex so that he knows exactly when it will happen, and ask him if he can enjoy being playful and sensual with you ahead of time. 

Generally speaking his sexuality should respond well to the two of you being playful, but you may have to set in place a few guidelines of how to go about that. In my opinion you have to be really careful about sexual anxiety.

Some examples of things that may cause your husband sexual anxiety:

*•* You struggle to climax when he wants to please you. 
*•* He wants to explore A, B, C, & D, but you limit him to only A or B. 
*•* He has a fantasy that he is ashamed about and struggles to suppress it.
*•* He fears his sexual behavior will be destructive in your marriage.
*•* He fears an unplanned pregnancy (This can be an issue for Catholics using the timing method)
*•* He fears that he will be aroused when you are unavailable.
*•* This list could go on and on.

My point is, there are MANY things that can create sexual anxiety even with normal sexual behavior. Try to work out what those things are with your husband, and work with him on them. The more you can get him to communicate the better. 

Another thing to try and do is explain to him that if he feels ashamed about his desires for any reason, that you will not judge him for talking about those things with you. He should not struggle with those things alone, and what is important to you is that he only demonstrate that he loves and cares about your marriage in a way to prevents from acting on temptations. Explain that all men are tempted, and try to explain to him that you will not judge him solely on a temptation, but only for his struggle to try and make healthy decisions for your marriage.

Hope that helps, 
Badsanta


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

hifromme67 said:


> Today we were arguing a bit and I got up to shower to get away. He came to the shower and started talking and I told him that I was really concerned about the text and the text comment. I told him that it concerned me that I could not be sexual with him now as it triggered him and that he couldn't tell the difference between sex with his wife and porn "sex." He said all this time I talked to him about his triggers and now he realizes this may be one. He said he can't talk about it or think about it.


It's interesting that he wants no talk or suggestiveness of sex, however, he found it ok to come into the bathroom while you were in the shower. What would he have done if you step out of the shower?


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## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

I am going into my therapy session right now but will respond when I get home. 


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## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

jb02157 said:


> It's interesting that he wants no talk or suggestiveness of sex, however, he found it ok to come into the bathroom while you were in the shower. What would he have done if you step out of the shower?




He just opened the door to talk to me but please remember I am not a porn star with a plastic body doing freaky things in the shower. After the porn discovery, I always turn away from him and hide my breasts. I don't allow him to look at me naked as I am not comfortable with it now.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

hifromme67 said:


> I don't allow him to look at me naked as I am not comfortable with it now.


Is it that you do not allow him to look at you nude outside of a sexual context out of fear that it may trigger him, or do you not even feel comfortable with him looking at you even during intimacy?

I've read a instance of one wife that did not have problems with her husband using porn so long as it was something that was not hidden. In this case her confidence was shattered because she feared that when her husband looked at her that he was fantasizing about her as if she was a porn star. She has to close her eyes and look away. When she would open her eyes and find him ogling her during sex it would be very disturbing to her. If you feel that same way, then you are not alone.

The question becomes how do you work with your husband towards something that can resemble a normal sex life again? 

In my opinion I think a therapist would recommend spending time together in the nude more often until it becomes something that is more relaxed and normal. The easiest time to start with this might be just after sex during the male refractory period while your husband temporarily is unable to become aroused again. If you can keep him awake that is!

Badsanta


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## 71Climber (Dec 15, 2016)

Sex addiction/porn addiction, whatever it may be called is a complicated matter. Certainly, it is capable of destroying intimacy at its very root, and it is an unwelcome partner inside the bedroom. It does awful things to the brain of the addict, actually forms specific neural pathways, and affects neurotransmitter release, etc, AND it has an effect on the spouse, who inevitably may find his or herself dealing with issues of lack of trust and vulnerability with her partner. There is no timetable it seems for adequate recovery from sexual addiction, but it is certainly possible. I believe the average is 3-5 years, with adequate professional counsel, accountability, and staying connected with others.

I am absolutely convinced myself that this addiction is only one example of an idol, and real, lasting recovery comes from identifying it as such, and slaying it by surrendering it to God, and asking for His help to overcome it. It can be a daily struggle, and involve a concerted effort to overcome it, which, as you say, as you are going to your own counseling, also means the spouse has to be doing her own thing to get healthy, as often she is a co-addict herself, even co-dependent. Normal intimacy, healthy intimacy is impossible with pornography. It just is. Furthermore, both of you have to work on yourselves and figure out areas where you may be unhealthy in your own lives, areas where addiction has touched, or other things as well. Health for both can result in healthy intimacy.

As far as being "triggered" by a racy text or photo, I truly do not know what all of that is about. My guess is that he is NOT in a good place with his addiction, and that he is not in a good place to receive such a text, even though he may be telling you he is sober. I have dealt with such addiction for a number of years, and am in a good place currently. If non-sexual intimacy is good, beginning in the living room, if we are relating well, if there is trust, vulnerability, safety, all the ingredients for a healthy relationship, and if there is true sobriety and healing from sexual addiction on his part, and if you feel like reaching out to him with a flirtatious text, then he should be able to receive that. Sexual attraction is a big thing for me, and I am very visual. If my wife hid her body from me, I wouldn't know how to deal with that. Why would you hide your body? What is behind that? It is unusual that you would hide your body, and yet send a provocative text.


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## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

71Climber said:


> Sex addiction/porn addiction, whatever it may be called is a complicated matter. Certainly, it is capable of destroying intimacy at its very root, and it is an unwelcome partner inside the bedroom. It does awful things to the brain of the addict, actually forms specific neural pathways, and affects neurotransmitter release, etc, AND it has an effect on the spouse, who inevitably may find his or herself dealing with issues of lack of trust and vulnerability with her partner. There is no timetable it seems for adequate recovery from sexual addiction, but it is certainly possible. I believe the average is 3-5 years, with adequate professional counsel, accountability, and staying connected with others.
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The text was basically " hey, I'm in the mood and I really want it." Not wanting him to see me naked is totally different. I am now uncomfortable with that because in my head (and in most spouses of PA) they feel as if we cannot compare with "perfect" porn stars. I don't have fake boobs, fake butt, not 21, doubld D breasts, etc. There is no way of competing with that and it destroys you as a woman. 

I believe him when he tells me he is sober. He knows that this is his last chance at the marriage because he has screwed up so many times before in other areas. It has only been a year and it is my understanding that an addiction is lifelong. With that said, I love him but seeing what I have to give up as far as my own sexuality is sometimes too much.


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## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

badsanta said:


> Is it that you do not allow him to look at you nude outside of a sexual context out of fear that it may trigger him, or do you not even feel comfortable with him looking at you even during intimacy?
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I don't feel comfortable with him looking at me naked now since discovery of the porn. I never used to feel self-conscience about my looks. Now, I don't know if he's comparing me to what he is seen and I do feel bad about myself. Porn tears apart people, marriages, spouses and it takes them somewhere almost impossible to get out of. 


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

hifromme67 said:


> The text was basically " hey, I'm in the mood and I really want it." Not wanting him to see me naked is totally different. I am now uncomfortable with that because in my head (and in most spouses of PA) they feel as if we cannot compare with "perfect" porn stars. I don't have fake boobs, fake butt, not 21, doubld D breasts, etc. There is no way of competing with that and it destroys you as a woman.
> 
> I believe him when he tells me he is sober. He knows that this is his last chance at the marriage because he has screwed up so many times before in other areas. It has only been a year and it is my understanding that an addiction is lifelong. With that said, I love him but seeing what I have to give up as far as my own sexuality is sometimes too much.
> 
> ...


It all depends on what type of porn he was using. Not all porn is of the Playboy PMOMs/PMOYs variety. There's all kinds of porn available to fill any niche you an think of.


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## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> It all depends on what type of porn he was using. Not all porn is of the Playboy PMOMs/PMOYs variety. There's all kinds of porn available to fill any niche you an think of.




When I discovered the porn on his phone, it was just a close up of a penis and a vagina. Thank God it was nothing really freaky because it's been tough getting images out of my head. One time in counseling, I asked what kind of porn he was watching. At that time, it was a few months after the porn discovery and still having sex issues. So I became upset in counseling and said maybe he was watching so and so and that's why he couldn't get turned on. The therapist said I really shouldn't know that stuff and if he wanted to tell me that was up to him. When we left there and got in the car, he asked me if I wanted to know. Of course I said yes. He said it was nothing crazy but he watched threesomes and different nationalities. Not that it made me feel any bettet. I just know I felt cheated and humiliated because with me he has ALWAYS been very vanilla. Not wanting to talk nasty or try anything new. Yet here was this other side of him. Through therapy I am beginning to understand it a bit more but I don't think I'll ever fully get it.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I have nothing against porn.

His problem is not porn (aside from your religious objection)... his problem is _addiction_. Until he gets to the root of his addiction -- could just as easily be alcohol, pot, gambling, etc -- he will continue to struggle with this. It's doubly hard because sex is a normal part of marriage so he's faced with it everyday.

Unless he tackles the real issues driving the addiction, he won't get better. Simply avoiding triggers (and you!) isn't going to cut it--at present he's no different than a "dry drunk". Sure, they give up the booze, but haven't dealt with the underlying issues so all of the problems are still there.

Maybe he should look into finding a new therapist. Sounds like he may have reached the end of the line with this one. Just plain bad advice that you don't "need to know his triggers"...


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## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

happy as a clam said:


> I have nothing against porn.
> 
> His problem is not porn (aside from your religious objection)... his problem is _addiction_. Until he gets to the root of his addiction -- could just as easily be alcohol, pot, gambling, etc -- he will continue to struggle with this. It's doubly hard because sex is a normal part of marriage so he's faced with it everyday.
> 
> ...




I agree with you on this. He is happy with her because he has stopped watching porn. I don't know what they discuss in there. I know that they have discussed triggers because she told me so when I was seeing her for IC. He is a very difficult person to get through to. He is still full of shame and embarrassment and I think that prevents him from truly being open. He would rather aboid discussing things and pretend things are okay instead of being embarrassed.

During the time that I noticed changes in our sex life and I look back and feel the addiction escalated, we were having significant marital issues and were in joint counseling. He was also have big issues with his mother who abandoned him as a child. Since he had watched porn starting at a young age, I never noticed it because it didn't affect us. Once I noticed the rejection, excuses, etc, I at that point realized something else was going on and the porn was discovered. So I always wonder if this is why it escalated during this time.




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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

hifromme67 said:


> When I discovered the porn on his phone, it was just a close up of a penis and a vagina. Thank God it was nothing really freaky because it's been tough getting images out of my head. One time in counseling, I asked what kind of porn he was watching. At that time, it was a few months after the porn discovery and still having sex issues. So I became upset in counseling and said maybe he was watching so and so and that's why he couldn't get turned on. The therapist said I really shouldn't know that stuff and if he wanted to tell me that was up to him. When we left there and got in the car, he asked me if I wanted to know. Of course I said yes. He said it was nothing crazy but he watched threesomes and different nationalities. Not that it made me feel any bettet. I just know I felt cheated and humiliated because with me he has ALWAYS been very vanilla. Not wanting to talk nasty or try anything new. Yet here was this other side of him. Through therapy I am beginning to understand it a bit more but I don't think I'll ever fully get it.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Sounds like he was more interested in seeing sex acts being done as opposed to looking at attractive naked women. It doesn't look like he was trying to look at women because he was disappointed in your naked body.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

hifromme67 said:


> Since he had watched porn starting at a young age, I never noticed it because it didn't affect us. Once I noticed the rejection, excuses, etc, I at that point realized something else was going on and the porn was discovered. So I always wonder if this is why it escalated during this time.


 @hifromme67 I will share with you that in my marriage that my wife and I had a lot of problems going on. A HUGE problem with porn, and I repeat it is a HUGE problem, is that it is so easy to point the finger and blame EVERYTHING at porn and only porn as the source of problems. It is as if the topic of porn is this ugly demon that distracts all of a couple's attention away from working on other problems that are so easily buried and hidden underneath the vulgarness of porn. 

Just from reading the few posts in this thread, it sounds as if you and your husband are struggling with much more than just porn. Be sure and try to put effort on those issues as well and try not to allow porn to trick you into neglecting other issues that are actually easy to solve. 

It is like walking into your home and smelling smoke and the smell keeps getting worse. Then you look on the TV and see porn and become so upset that you stop noticing that something in your home is about to catch on fire. Next thing you know your TV is on fire and you insist that it was porn alone that just burned down your home. Meanwhile no one was paying any attention to dinner overcooking in the oven.


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## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

badsanta said:


> @hifromme67 I will share with you that in my marriage that my wife and I had a lot of problems going on. A HUGE problem with porn, and I repeat it is a HUGE problem, is that it is so easy to point the finger and blame EVERYTHING at porn and only porn as the source of problems. It is as if the topic of porn is this ugly demon that distracts all of a couple's attention away from working on other problems that are so easily buried and hidden underneath the vulgarness of porn.
> 
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I know that we have many issues going on but while working on those, once porn was discovered, they got put on the back burner. He has been in IC and now does not want to do joint counseling with someone else. I know it is because he is ashamed and embarrassed about the porn and doesn't want to open up to someone new he doesn't know. So we are both in IC and I am stuck with not being able to discuss things in a joint setting. Plus, the most difficult part is he is not the type to say you did this wrong so I did this. Believe me, I have expressed that something was going wrong when I felt the porn escalated. All I get was "no, I watched porn because that's all I ever knew and was exposed to it as a child."


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

hifromme67 said:


> I know that we have many issues going on but while working on those, once porn was discovered, they got put on the back burner.


While it may not be easy to just put porn on the back burner and resume work on other issues in your marriage, you may want to try doing just that in the event things just keep getting worse. 

The cause and effect status of porn's relation to marital problems can become complex. Porn can actually be BOTH cause and effect at the same time, but most of the time it tends to overshadow some really important things in a marriage that are simple to deal with and need attention. 

So keep that in mind! You may be surprised to find that when you focus on non-porn related problems that your husband's ability to cope with porn drastically improves and that your marriage begins to heal faster. 

Badsanta


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## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

badsanta said:


> While it may not be easy to just put porn on the back burner and resume work on other issues in your marriage, you may want to try doing just that in the event things just keep getting worse.
> 
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Thank you! I really needed to hear something positive today. He really tries to make things up to me and tells me all the time he realizes the damage the porn has caused. I just wish it were easy to forget. I sometimes just wish I never would have discovered it. He tells me he is glad that he got caught. 


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

hifromme67 said:


> Thank you! I really needed to hear something positive today. He really tries to make things up to me and tells me all the time *he realizes the damage the porn has caused. * I just wish it were easy to forget. I sometimes just wish I never would have discovered it. *He tells me he is glad that he got caught. *


When he has this conversation with you again, or he blames porn for creating damage, try to redirect him away from blaming porn. You may want to suggest that him _hiding_ things from you and feeling _ashamed_ was what ALSO caused a great deal damage (this should be true, so you can be sincere about it). Most men (including myself) assume our wives are way more upset about the offensive content in porn that we may have been watching than compared to the simple fact that we were hiding something. The nature of hiding something severely undermines trust in a marriage, which is the foundation of any relationship. Undermining trust in a relationship is way worse than the offensive content of a porn. Make sure that is very clear to him!

Ask him to work on ways to improve "trust" and "communication" with you in your marriage. Let him know that by doing that it will help heal your relationship from the damage that has been caused. If you feel he continues to shut down communication on topics he is struggling with, then let him know that is the equivalent of him building a barrier. 

If he admits that he fears loosing you, then the two of you should watch this video together about how embracing vulnerability makes one stronger as opposed to running away from vulnerability out of fear.

Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability | TED Talk | TED.com

Then talk about if you agree with what was discussed in that video and how it might apply to you marriage. It is a fun video to watch because the lady is a very talented "researcher/storyteller" on the topic of vulnerability. 

Regards,
Badsanta


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## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

badsanta said:


> When he has this conversation with you again, or he blames porn for creating damage, try to redirect him away from blaming porn. You may want to suggest that him _hiding_ things from you and feeling _ashamed_ was what ALSO caused a great deal damage (this should be true, so you can be sincere about it). Most men (including myself) assume our wives are way more upset about the offensive content in porn that we may have been watching than compared to the simple fact that we were hiding something. The nature of hiding something severely undermines trust in a marriage, which is the foundation of any relationship. Undermining trust in a relationship is way worse than the offensive content of a porn. Make sure that is very clear to him!
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Broken trust is what we were working on in therapy for 1.5 years before the porn discovery. So once the discovery was made, I felt like that was the icing on the cake. Everything else got put on the back burner.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

hifromme67 said:


> Broken trust is what we were working on in therapy for 1.5 years before the porn discovery. So once the discovery was made, I felt like that was the icing on the cake. Everything else got put on the back burner.



OUCH! 

A year and a half of therapy on broken trust and THEN you discover porn... and you discovered it by "catching" him which only adds insult to the injury. 

Here you go... I should not make jokes, but tell him you want to stop therapy and just buy one of these!

https://www.amazon.com/Swamiware-UP00-USB-Polygraph/dp/B001RMXZ9I/










Badsanta


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## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

Yeah not very funny, especially today.


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## noloverelation (Jun 21, 2013)

Ok I don't know if I would listen to mr bad santa hence the name. Of course he's going to defend porn he watches it. Just because his wife gave up doesn't mean they are in a good marriage he just thinks he's happier because she gave up. If he really cared and wanted more of an intimate relationship he wouldn't be such an ass. And good intimacy makes for great sex. I'm sure his wife doesn't feel the same or enjoy it like she should. And yes porn kills relationships fast should a woman like his wife bringing a picture of his mother in the room every time he had sex with his wife? I don't think so it would kill it pretty fast so show some damn respect and kick the bad habbit why should your wife tolerate that when you wouldn't I'm talking to you mr bad santa.


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## noloverelation (Jun 21, 2013)

I'm sorry that you have to go through that every day I know how that feels. I found porn on my husbands phone after we had our second child. He said he watched it because I didn't give him bjs at the right time of the day 😱! He wanted it in the morning WTH right!? If he would have told me I would have done it and he knew that he's just a liar. Men know they are doing something wrong that's why they hide it. And master bating kills your sex drive too. Men need to learn to control it until they get to their wives. It sounds to me like he's still doing it and he doesn't want you to find out. I'm sure if you tried to get him turned on it wouldn't work because he's already done himself recently.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

noloverelation said:


> Ok I don't know if I would listen to mr bad santa hence the name. Of course he's going to defend porn he watches it. Just because his wife gave up doesn't mean they are in a good marriage he just thinks he's happier because she gave up. If he really cared and wanted more of an intimate relationship he wouldn't be such an ass. And good intimacy makes for great sex. I'm sure his wife doesn't feel the same or enjoy it like she should. And yes porn kills relationships fast should a woman like his wife bringing a picture of his mother in the room every time he had sex with his wife? I don't think so it would kill it pretty fast so show some damn respect and kick the bad habbit why should your wife tolerate that when you wouldn't I'm talking to you mr bad santa.


If I had to be put in a position to advocate for porn and the benefits it can have, I could argue that. If I had to argue how destructive porn is and the harm it can cause, I can do that as well. The variable there between those two stances would be the "context" of how and why porn is used. 

By no means am I a perfect person, nor is my wife. We both have our issues and we continue to work on them. Neither of us has "given up" as you say.

Do I still look at porn? As I said I am not perfect, but I do use that struggle to try and come here to help others, and by doing so I find it helps myself. So if you see all my posts here on TAM, they were made out of the choice of, "hey I'm not going to watch porn, but instead try and find something positive to do with my time." Am I ashamed that I might still watch porn? No, because I find letting go of that shame results in me watching less and less porn. Here recently if I find myself watching any, I also find myself no longer thrilled by it, and I turn it off and enjoy doing other things instead. That is my journey. Not a perfect one by any means, but it is who I am.

Badsanta


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

hifromme67 said:


> Yeah not very funny, especially today.


Sorry about that! Many people defend themselves with humor and use it as a barrier. But humor can also help bring down barriers. It is all about trying to look at things from a different perspective and see if humor can find a way to remind you to be thankful for something. 

Remember, no one is perfect!














































Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## noloverelation (Jun 21, 2013)

Porn release dopamine in the brain in large quantities which is why for men they have to find different kinds and sometimes more and more provocative porn. They essentially become unresponsive to an actual woman and look to porn to become aroused. Relationships are delicate and should be treated as such no one should be able to intrude into anyone's relationship that's why both parties need to constantly work at keeping the negative things out. Once a man get bored from porn he has damaged his dopamine receptors which in turn makes him depressed and depression sucks and kind of sex drive out of a man. I wouldn't pull your hair out about what you need to do it's not up to you it's up to your husband and a good psychiatrist. Sounds like you should do some more shopping around for a different one for your husband. As for you take care of yourself and don't be a doormat. Sounds like he's not cooperating with you and this could be worse that you know remember you just found one. How many others has he deleted and honestly he probably doesn't feel guilty because most men don't see that as anything to be ashamed of. Heck depending on where he works they probably talk about it. My husband used to work at an a/c residential company and most of the guys there kept a playboy under their seat in their work van. I can tell you still love him that's why you say he's got a problem and that's the only way to cope with something like that and not completely despise him. I was at your point I've moved way past that because I didn't want to get hurt anymore. I understand you want to love him like you used to and honestly I don't know if you will ever get that back unless he makes a big change soon and showed you he's ready to be a good husband to you. A lot of men think oh she's not young anymore that's why she doesn't act like a giddy school girl around me anymore WRONG! It's because you've stomped on her heart too much. My sister is 45 and still acts giddy around her husband and excited to see him I can see it in her eyes. He protects their marriage and respects her and obeys God. Also it is about the porn not just lying the big part is is the porn. If he needed something from you he should have told you and if he didn't what he wanted was probably something he saw watching porn and you would have wondered where he got that idea. 

Also bad santa what I meant was by her excepting your porn addiction is giving up. She had to give up some of that love she once felt for you so it's not there and it won't ever fully come back. If you worked hard then you may get some of it back. 

If your wife doesn't beam every time she sees you something is wrong in her life ether it's kids work or you. If you make a effort to ask and not flee from conflict and be prepared to hear what she has to say and make a change you will bring your relationship to a whole new level. If you put her feelings first you will see a different side of her and you will be working at the relationship not her. In turn she will give back because women are natural givers let her be who she naturally is a beautiful woman that has feelings that are ready to come out. 

My husband did that for a week and it was awesome he said it was great too but he battles with depression form doing drugs watching porn and now dipping. He is on Wellbutrin to kick the habit and that first week he was on it he was still dipping but the way he showed he cared and he was an attentive father was something he hasn't ever done before. My life felt normal and right I thought this is how a woman is supposed to be treated after that week he started going back to his distant ******* self. He had told me to let him know when he started to act like that again and I did he would say oh I'm sorry with no caring in his tone at all. So I stayed away from him now things are back to our normal which isn't anything good.


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## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

I am completely sure he is no longer watching. The frequency of our sex is completely opposite of what it was. He no longer has ED and quickly responds to my touch whereas before he didn't. I knew when he masturbated before and know now that isn't happening. That isn't the issue, the issue is how do you have a "normal" sex life after porn addiction has taken it over. I know it will be a long, long process and despite the work he has done for the last year, I don't know if I can hang on. 


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## noloverelation (Jun 21, 2013)

Oh well if things are getting better you'll get over it believe me it could be a lot worse. Does he show remorse? And if you start thinking about something and need to talk does he listen or get angry? Also does he look at or flirt with women while y'all are out if y'all go out on dates?


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## noloverelation (Jun 21, 2013)

I guess you don't need to answer that but if he is working on getting things back together and keeps them that way doesn't go back and forth on his feelings to what he did then I would say yes. It will just take time and a lot of consoling and reassuring from him. Now if he where to do it again or show signs all of those feelings will come flooding back. And keep going to a psychiatrist and if you don't feel better walking out of that office like you have a friend find someone else.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

hifromme67 said:


> I am completely sure he is no longer watching. The frequency of our sex is completely opposite of what it was. He no longer has ED and quickly responds to my touch whereas before he didn't. I knew when he masturbated before and know now that isn't happening. *That isn't the issue, the issue is how do you have a "normal" sex life after porn addiction has taken it over.* I know it will be a long, long process and despite the work he has done for the last year, I don't know if I can hang on.


OK, your husband has stopped watching porn and masturbating to it, but am I correct that your primary problem now is that you live in a shadow of fear that he will resume that behavior if triggered?

If that is true, perhaps it would be best to try changing your perspective. Instead of focusing on the fear that he will relapse, try to focus on being thankful that your husband is going through this struggle in order to learn how to be a better spouse to you. If your husband does not show the same appreciation towards you being patient, he will look back one day and find a whole new world of meaning in the love that you have for him! 

You may also find it helpful to learn that research indicates that our sexuality does NOT respond well to expectations. We compare what we have with what we expect and it only serves to frustrate one's sexuality. You may be suffering from the proverbial "the grass is greener on the other side of the fence" of thinking that everyone else is blessed with something better and more "normal" in their marriages. Be sure and talk to your husband and therapist about what your expectations of "normal" are, and ask if those expectations are helpful or problematic. In the event something about your expectations is problematic (even for an average relationship), learn to be mindful of that expectation and be realistic before allowing yourself to become frustrated. 

Is it fair to be frustrated that you feel that you can not trust your own husband? Well that is a situation that can create a great deal of ugliness and tax a great deal of energy out of you. Relationships built with a high level of trust can function extraordinarily efficient, but that is not to say that those relationships are free from other struggles such as health or financial misfortunes. 

From where I am sitting, I admire your husband's resolve to let go of porn for his marriage and to stay away from it for so long, even if he still has his momentary struggles. Perhaps there are issues of trust that still need nurturing, but at least you have a husband that is willing to put himself through a struggle and work on his personal development for your marriage.

Don't allow the shadow of porn to allow you to focus solely on the negatives and frustrate you with your particular expectations. Take a moment each day, reflect on your marriage, find something positive, and be thankful. That is where you will find your strength.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## noloverelation (Jun 21, 2013)

You seem to heading in the right direction at least you still have feelings for him. When my husband and I have sex that's all it is I can't make it anything else or he will hurt me. So take it from my life you are way better off. So what kind of a normal sex life do you want? To not be uncomfortable around him or are you trying new things thinking he will like them and you not liking it because it's pornographic? 

I'll have to agree with badsanta on most of his last post. Look at the positive. Sounds like you need more communication like badsanta said. Men what different things in the bedroom a lot and you can't be afraid of showing him your body. If he is getting turned on by your touch and y'all are having regular sex than that's awesome! Yes you are scared that he's going to go back and that could happen but don't let that steal your happiness he is trying for y'alls marriage most guys won't do that. Most of them ether don't say anything and skulk off say get over it at least I didn't sleep with anyone (even though it sure does feel like it). 

If you don't mind me asking how long have y'all been together?


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## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

noloverelation said:


> Oh well if things are getting better you'll get over it believe me it could be a lot worse. Does he show remorse? And if you start thinking about something and need to talk does he listen or get angry? Also does he look at or flirt with women while y'all are out if y'all go out on dates?




Yes he shows remores, he will talk if it is the right moment and doesn't feel attacked. He is a very defensive and closed person and always has been. He does not look at women or ogle them at all when we are out. He makes every effort to look away.


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## noloverelation (Jun 21, 2013)

Sounds like you've got a lot to work with you just need time and a friend to talk to if he won't listen. I can't even go out with my husband without him looking at someone. So count your blessings. Hang in there 😊


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## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

noloverelation said:


> Sounds like you've got a lot to work with you just need time and a friend to talk to if he won't listen. I can't even go out with my husband without him looking at someone. So count your blessings. Hang in there




Is your husband in any treatment?


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## 71Climber (Dec 15, 2016)

OP, I completely understand where you are coming from, but as a man who wishes for the same thing with his wife. I believe, as Patrick Carnes says, you have to replace intensity with intimacy. For those who have struggled with porn, it means accepting normal sexuality, as opposed to seeking out the next, more progressive titillation. There is absolutely no doubt that porn generates the release of multiple neurotransmitters, causing "normal intimacy" to seem boring and inadequate. But, I believe that real recovery and real abstinence from porn and all of its derivatives, can, in time, allow the brain to return to a place where those neural pathways normalize. Studies have proven that's true. That's physiology. That's anatomy. The ability of a brain to change once it has been exposed and hijacked by porn and fantasy for a number of years. The real question is whether or not you and your husband, or me and my wife, for that matter, can establish new normals, which include healthy nonsexual and healthy sexual intimacy. It is almost as if, instead of restoration, what is really needed is renewal, starting over completely, throwing away the old dysfunctional intimacy. This will take time. Have you guys had a conversation in which you laid everything out on the table and acknowledged that things just aren't working, but that you WANT them to work? If you both are committed to wanting to experience real, faithful, loving, passionate intimacy, then you probably have to start at "ground zero", and just chunk it all and start over. Press a reset button. Don't even think about sex with your husband. Both of you guys start out by just being friends, just enjoying being around each other. Make time to talk, laugh, do things together. Communicate. Get re-aquainted with one another. Be kind and thoughtful to each other, help one another, compliment one another. Allow time to pass. Who knows, maybe you'll begin to date again, maybe a normal courtship will begin, and then who knows what. I told my wife that, after my addiction, and after my breech of trust, after all of the crap I have put her thru, that I realized I was nowhere near the bedroom, I was on the outskirts of the town where she lived. In other words, I was and am that far from being able to experience her in that way, in the bedroom, with passion, attraction, and romance. Metaphorically, I have to come from the outskirts of town, find her neighborhood, find her house, drive up her driveway, onto her porch, in thru the front door, then the living room, and then the bedroom. I hope that makes sense.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My husband is a recovering sex addict (porn addiction is a type of sex addiction) and we have a great sex life. 

Your husband needs to see a certified sex addiction therapist, not just some random therapist. Unless they're trained, therapists can do a great deal of harm.

We practice lots, that's how we got back to having great sex after he cheated.


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## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> My husband is a recovering sex addict (porn addiction is a type of sex addiction) and we have a great sex life.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




He is not seeing a CSAT. She was a therapist that we were seeing joint and individually when porn was discovered. She does have experience with sex addiction and sec offenders. My new therapist is a CSAT. He is very embarrassed so of course is difficult to open up to a new person.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

hifromme67 said:


> My husband is a recovering porn addict, is and has been in therapy for a year and has been clean for a year. He has always told me has has NO triggers, etc and we would fight about this all the time. His therapist would tell me it wasn't important for me to know his triggers.
> 
> So the other day I sent him a text while I was at work. It wasn't a bad one but it was a bit racy. So that night we fought over something totally different but that came out in the argument. He said "Do you think that was smart of you to send me something like that when you aren't home with me?" So that weighed on me heavily as now I realized that was a trigger. Today we were arguing a bit and I got up to shower to get away. He came to the shower and started talking and I told him that I was really concerned about the text and the text comment. I told him that it concerned me that I could not be sexual with him now as it triggered him and that he couldn't tell the difference between sex with his wife and porn "sex." He said all this time I talked to him about his triggers and now he realizes this may be one. He said he can't talk about it or think about it.
> 
> ...


If you both didn't buy into idea that your husband is a "porn addict", perhaps you wouldn't be having such problems.



MarriedToTheOne said:


> Well, as the great American spokesman said, "You are entitled to your opinion. But you are NOT entitled to your own facts." (Daniel Patrick Moynihan)
> 
> And what you have expressed is a personal opinion, which is not backed up by any current psychological research or clinical studies.
> 
> ...


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## noloverelation (Jun 21, 2013)

hifromme67 said:


> Is your husband in any treatment?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


No he's not but I guess he needs to be


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Personal said:


> If you both didn't buy into idea that your husband is a "porn addict", perhaps you wouldn't be having such problems.


 @Personal "porn addict" or not, if you are doing something/anything that KNOWINGLY HURTS your spouse and you have serious trouble to stop yourself from continuing to do it, well then what would you like to call that?


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## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

Personal said:


> If you both didn't buy into idea that your husband is a "porn addict", perhaps you wouldn't be having such problems.




I'm sorry but he is a recovering porn addict, like it or not. He is not a recovering alcoholic or anything else. It is not like I call him that to his face, I am referring to him here. I'm not aure what the rest of your entire post is about as you are quoting someone.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

badsanta said:


> @Personal "porn addict" or not, if you are doing something/anything that KNOWINGLY HURTS your spouse and you have serious trouble to stop yourself from continuing to do it, well then what would you like to call that?


Oh I concur it's a problem for them. Especially with the hiding of it, which is certainly toxic to a relationship.

As far as I am aware the research indicates it is an issue of compulsive behaviour rather than addictive behaviour. With high pornography consumption correlating with people who are neurotic, agreeable, conscientiousness and have obsessional checking behaviours.

Funnily enough conscientiousness is lauded by many who who loathe pornography.

That said, if they get over the idea that pornography is an addiction and let it go, they might be better placed to address their problems and get on with each other.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

hifromme67 said:


> I'm sorry but he is a recovering porn addict, like it or not. He is not a recovering alcoholic or anything else. It is not like I call him that to his face, I am referring to him here. I'm not aure what the rest of your entire post is about as you are quoting someone.


Pornography addiction isn't a real thing.

It is an issue of compulsive behaviour rather than addiction.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Personal said:


> Pornography addiction isn't a real thing.
> 
> It is an issue of compulsive behaviour rather than addiction.


OK, so someone can just drink alcohol "compulsively" and allow it to just destroy their life. ...sounds more like an elaborate form of denial if you ask me! 

READ THIS: Overview - Compulsive gambling - Mayo Clinic



> Compulsive gambling, also called gambling disorder, is the uncontrollable urge to keep gambling despite the toll it takes on your life. Gambling means that you're willing to risk something you value in the hope of getting something of even greater value.
> 
> Gambling can stimulate the brain's reward system much like drugs or alcohol can, *leading to addiction*. If you have a problem with compulsive gambling, you may continually chase bets that lead to losses, hide your behavior, deplete savings, accumulate debt, or even resort to theft or fraud to support your addiction.
> 
> Compulsive gambling is a serious condition that can destroy lives. Although treating compulsive gambling can be challenging, many people who struggle with compulsive gambling have found help through professional treatment.


Call it what you will, but that outline of compulsive behavior and it's direct relationship to addiction is from the Mayo Clinic.

Sounds like what the OP is dealing with, and she is correct to view it as an addiction!

Badsanta


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

hifromme67 said:


> He just opened the door to talk to me but please remember I am not a porn star with a plastic body doing freaky things in the shower. * After the porn discovery, I always turn away from him and hide my breasts. I don't allow him to look at me naked as I am not comfortable with it now.*
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


*So exactly what does your therapist say about all of this?*


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

...


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## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

arbitrator said:


> *So exactly what does your therapist say about all of this?*




If you read about how porn addiction affects the spouse, you will see that this is very common and normal. I just started seeing my therapist a few months ago and right now we are working on my triggers. 


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

hifromme67 said:


> If you read about how porn addiction affects the spouse, you will see that this is very common and normal. I just started seeing my therapist a few months ago and right now we are working on my triggers.


While every person is different and the dynamics of each relationship are different, my wife behaved the same as well. Even today when she gets a shower or something, she wants me out of the room and for me not to see her. Although she is OK with me in the room if there is a reason for me to be there, but she strongly prefers to just have her privacy. 

My wife is actually very confident about being nude in front of me when she wants to be, but she is still rather uncomfortable with casual nudity such as me seeing her getting dressed in the morning. 

If I had to guess WHY she still behaves that way, it is about setting boundaries and being respectful towards her. There are some times during the day that she can not deal with triggering me to become aroused and/or she just wants her privacy and for me to respect that. I see no problems with that.

When we used to have more problems, I had to do a great deal of work to restore her confidence that was destroyed from me having used porn. This was a very slow process which was likely aided by improving trust, & communication in our marriage. 

Don't expect anything to change/improve overnight, and make sure you husband is aware that he has to open up more in order for things to progress, and even with that, that you may need to set some boundaries moving forwards to feel comfortable and respected in the marriage.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## JustAnotherMan (Jun 27, 2012)

I see that you are not comfortable having sex with your husband because he formally looked at porn...but has not for a year and a half

That's an eternity to hold it against him...

Have you considered forgiveness....It will set YOU FREE!!!


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

hifromme67 said:


> If you read about how porn addiction affects the spouse, you will see that this is very common and normal. I just started seeing my therapist a few months ago and right now we are working on my triggers.


This issue has obviously caused you a lot of stress. One thing that might help a tiny bit is that it's very possible that your husband is still physically more attracted to you (his wife in the flesh) than any type of body on a video screen. I have seen my share of porn videos and the only fantasies that really get me going are those involving my wife, despite the fact that she doesn't desire sex often.


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## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

JustAnotherMan said:


> I see that you are not comfortable having sex with your husband because he formally looked at porn...but has not for a year and a half
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Obviously you know nothing about porn addiction and the long-term damage it causes. Me being uncomfortable with him seeing me naked has nothing to do with holding it against him. Also, forgiveness has absolutely nothing about how it makes me feel. I can forgive him but it is still going to take a very long time for my self-esteen to recover. Please get your facts straight before coming on my post and telling me what I am doing wrong.


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## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

Steve1000 said:


> This issue has obviously caused you a lot of stress. One thing that might help a tiny bit is that it's very possible that your husband is still physically more attracted to you (his wife in the flesh) than any type of body on a video screen. I have seen my share of porn videos and the only fantasies that really get me going are those involving my wife, despite the fact that she doesn't desire sex often.




The only thing that does help a bit is that
not once has he ever blamed me for his porn use, compared me to that or a porn star, etc. He has always taken responsibility for his viewing of porn. As a matter of fact, he has always told me he loved how I was and that I didn't need to wear a lot of makeup to be beautiful and looked beautiful when I wake up.

On the flip side, when I think of that, it also reminds me that he was watching someone completely opposite of what I am.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

hifromme67 said:


> Obviously you know nothing about porn addiction and the long-term damage it causes. Me being uncomfortable with him seeing me naked has nothing to do with holding it against him. Also, forgiveness has absolutely nothing about how it makes me feel. I can forgive him but it is still going to take a very long time for my self-esteen to recover. Please get your facts straight before coming on my post and telling me what I am doing wrong.


 @hifromme67

Before allowing the opinions and suggestions of others offend you in any way, be mindful that everyone here likely struggles with their own set of problems and is probably hurting as much and if not more than you. 

@JustAnotherMan gave advice that may very well resonate with your husband. Everything your husband is doing for you at the moment may be out of seeking your forgiveness and attempting to reconcile the situation. He may very well view therapy as a form of punishment you are subjecting him to. He may be shutting down communication because he feels you are ramping up your anger and punishment towards him. He may continue to put up barriers as a way to protect you from himself.

If you want some advice, when something makes you upset, take a moment and try to look at it from a different perspective. You might learn something.


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## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

badsanta said:


> @hifromme67
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I am all for advice, that is why I am here. I just didn't like he was implying I was holding it against my husband had anything to do with me being uncomfortable. And the fact that forgiving my husband would immediately rid me of those feelings. They are not one in the same. Forgiving him and healing from the damage are two different things and run at a different pace. I continue to enjoy everyone's advice.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

hifromme67 said:


> I am all for advice, that is why I am here. I just didn't like he was implying I was holding it against my husband had anything to do with me being uncomfortable. And the fact that forgiving my husband would immediately rid me of those feelings. They are not one in the same. Forgiving him and healing from the damage are two different things and run at a different pace. I continue to enjoy everyone's advice.


Just out of curiosity, have you found in yourself to actually tell your husband you forgive him? Or do you feel forgiving him would minimize the consequences he would perceive if he were tempted to look at porn again?

I'll be honest and say, I don't think my wife ever forgave me. If anything she admitted that is was not the worst thing I could have done and she decided to just stop being so upset about it. I think this also corresponded to her seeing her own siblings and close friends all dealing with much bigger and more damaging problems in their marriages than anything that could ever compare to porn. 

Imagine finding out your husband might be a grandpa already, but he swears it is not true even though your jaw drops and it obviously is true! Not to mention the fact that he completely disowned his own daughter for her entire life.


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## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

badsanta said:


> Just out of curiosity, have you found in yourself to actually tell your husband you forgive him? Or do you feel forgiving him would minimize the consequences he would perceive if he were tempted to look at porn again?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I don't think I have forgiven him and I don't think I am ready. The therapist said that takes time and nobody can rush that. I don't dwell on it all the time and I don't yell at him for the porn daily. I struggle with how it has affected me, our marriage, etc but not angry about it daily. Someday perhaps I will be able to forgive him or maybe someday I will figure out I can't and need to walk away. Either way, I will know when that time comes.

I didn't understand your analogy about the grandfather?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

hifromme67 said:


> I don't think I have forgiven him and I don't think I am ready. The therapist said that takes time and nobody can rush that. I don't dwell on it all the time and I don't yell at him for the porn daily. I struggle with how it has affected me, our marriage, etc but not angry about it daily. Someday perhaps I will be able to forgive him or maybe someday I will figure out I can't and need to walk away. Either way, I will know when that time comes.
> 
> I didn't understand your analogy about the grandfather?
> 
> ...


The analogy about the grandfather was a bizarre hypothetical situation to illustrate there are mistakes in life that one can make that are much worse than porn. 

Regarding forgiveness and porn and feeling as though you may just decide you can't deal with that anymore and just need to walk away from your husband...

...If by chance you want your husband to chase after you, don't walk away. Instead, give your husband a head start, but then just stand there and see how far he goes! 

(a positive joke to try and get you to smile!)

Cheers,
Badsanta


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