# Sister's wedding vs. 10th anniversary



## Parallax (Dec 10, 2008)

Alright ladies, I need your opinions.

Our 10th anniversary is coming up in June. For a long while we've been planning to get away on some kind of just-the-two-of-us trip to celebrate it (leaving the 7- and 3-year-old with family). No specific plans made, tickets bought, or anything yet - but definite agreement that we want to go.

Then, last summer while visiting my family, we found out that my sister has planned her wedding for the same day as our anniversary.

Needless to say, this sucks and it's been causing a lot of tension and fighting between my wife and I. I feel like I have to go to the wedding; my wife feels like I'm choosing my family over our marriage. I've asked about taking the trip later and she's not interested - she says it won't mean anything if I'm only spending "leftover" time with her - time when I don't have anything better to do.

So what I want to know is...
1) Is scheduling your wedding on another woman's 10th anniversary a huge no-no between women?
2) How would you feel if your husband had a wedding to go to on your 10th anniversary? What could he do to make it easier for you?

Thanks, I appreciate any answers you can give me.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

To be honest, if I were your wife, I would want to attend the wedding with you and plan our anniversary trip around it. To me, it sounds as though she has made this an issue for you to prove your marriage takes priority. Are there reasons why she feels the need to refuse compromising on this?

If push came to shove, I would likely skip the wedding and plan the trip. Your sister chose a day that is bad for you and your marriage should take priority and she should understand that could be a problem for you to attend when choosing that day to marry. My inclination would be to make the decision on attending the wedding with my spouse where both of our feelings were taken into account and respected. Otherwise, it will be difficult to do as you please and get her to soften up to the idea and you may harbor resentment if you feel she is preventing you from attending an important family event.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

I agree with Swedish. If this were my situation, I would attend the wedding with my H and plan my trip around that. I am not a stickler that our anniversary HAS to be celebrated on the exact day.

We actually did a little of the same thing when planning our wedding. I didn't know our wedding day fell on the 5th anniversary of our good friends...one of whom was my H's groom in our ceremony. So groom was busy with bachelor parties and wedding stuff and they celebrated around us. I didn't know this was going to happen until it was too late. They were fabulous. They celebrated everything with us and then celebrated their own anniversary later.

I think this is a bit selfish of your wife. But....as Swedish says above....if push comes to shove, you have to live with your wife and not your sister. If your wife does not relent, go on your anniversary trip with her and send your sister an extra wedding gift!


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Attend the wedding then leave for your trip immediately afterward. Call it a second honeymoon. Surprise her with your own limo taking you from the reception to the airport. Clear it with your sister to make sure it doesn’t steal her day. While I can see your wife’s point I feel she is being selfish on making such an issue out of this. Was there tension between your sister and your wife before this? Have you in the past neglected her for the family that has made this such a big issue?


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## Parallax (Dec 10, 2008)

Thanks for the perspective, everyone. I think part of the problem is the way I handled it at first - sort of dug in my heels and wasn't able to really consider not going to the wedding.

The only time I can think of that I've (sort of) chosen my family over my wife was my birthday about seven years ago. My brother bought me tickets to go to a concert on my birthday and my wife was really hurt that I would consider going with him instead of spending the day with her and our new baby. She was going through some post-partum stuff at the time though, so I just attributed it to that. 

Other than that, it's mostly been normal family stuff - holidays a few times a year. I don't have all that much contact with my family, honestly.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I'd like to point out a couple things here.

1. Your sister getting married in June is something that a lot of brides want to do. There are limited options if she is trying for a Saturday or Sunday wedding. 

2. Your 10th anniversary, while a significant milestone does not rise to the level of a good reason to miss your own sister's wedding. Mind you, I'll bet you anything that she attended your wedding. Do you really want to insult your sister? Does your wife want to set up bad feelings between them?

3. Weddings are special to extended families way more than a 10th anniversary ever could be. They allow you to connect with the rest of the "clan". 

4. Your 10th anniversary is special, do not misunderstand me, it is a uniquely personal bond between your wife and yourself to honor and celebrate. But helping your sister celebrate with joy about her own wedding should be something that the both of you should want to do.

5. If your wife has not learned yet that marriage is more than the two of you, that it is she and you joining a greater family and sometimes putting aside selfishness FOR ONE DAY, then frankly she won't learn it ever.


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## Peridot (Dec 30, 2008)

I agree with all the above posts. 

Your sister's wedding is a very special one-time event (I hope) and there is no reason you need to celebrate your 10th anniversary on the exact date.


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## Parallax (Dec 10, 2008)

A quick point about picking dates in June - this is actually one of the problems. It's June 12th, which is a Friday - my sister went out of her way to NOT pick a weekend so as to save money on the venue. This has, I think, contributed to my wife's hurt feelings.

I agree with those of you who have said it's not a big deal to celebrate on a different day. And I tried that approach with my wife - I even suggested that we could leave the next day to go somewhere together. (Didn't think of the limo thing... maybe I should have said that!)

Anyway, in this case, it doesn't really matter what I feel: she _does _feel like it's a big deal to set that day apart for ourselves. We've had many (many!) conversations / fights about this in the last few months, and I'm not going to change her mind. I'm just not sure what else to do.

Thanks to everyone for responding. I appreciate the perspective.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

If it's important to your wife, then it's important. Period. 

I understand, from her POV, it's your two's day and it should be special, just for you two. Having your sister horn in (as it were) make your day never again special. 

It's unfortunate that your sister picked your wedding date for her own. I'm not sure, though, that it's too late to change the date (say, to the following Monday). Is this possible? And, if so, would your plans make attendance impossible? 

I also think that your wife should loosen up a little bit...yes, it's your sisters wedding which (theoretically) only happens once...but your 10th only happens once, too. And you and your wife are YOUR family, not your siblings. 

I don't see this as having a happy (long term) ending as long as your wife thinks it's a problem. And she seems to. 

You're screwed, dude; unless you can promise to REALLY, REALLY make it up to your wife after the wedding... 

Maybe, at the risk of stealing some of your sisters thunder, she could make an announcement at the reception (if you attend) that this is also your 10th and raise a toast to you two as well - perhaps as being a shining example of how to live as husband & wife.


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## Parallax (Dec 10, 2008)

Yeah, I like the toast idea too. Maybe I'll see if I can work out something like that.

In any case, it helps to know that there are ladies out there who wouldn't be spitting fire about this. For one thing, it means my approach does not ultimately have to include disowning my sister.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

dcrim is right, I am sorry, but it IS a huge no no,,, this girl , your Sister, not some person who didn't know you, and know important dates in your life, planned her Own wedding , on your wedding day? HUH????? What kind of inconsiderate stuff is that? Now, since what's done is done, and you can't change what your sister so thoughtlessly did (sorry, but this is just common knowledge/etiquitte , and she could have Easily planned her wedding for a different day) then you will have to compromise with your wife, and no, I don't think she is being unreasonable in terms of wanting that day to be your special day. Since you probably have to go to your sisters wedding, then I agree with the other posters, make it a special trip, and after the wedding is over, take her on a getaway, to a special place, and really lay it on thick! An answer to your second question... I would just try to be as understanding as I could, and go with the flow if my hubby had a wedding to go to on our special day. But you have to realize, that this is an unusual circumstance, this is not some office friend, or aquaintance that is having a wedding, that you want to go to and could skip is necessary, this is your Sister, who planned her wedding, on her own brother's wedding anniversary, that's just obnoxious. 
And likely, your wife feels a bit betrayed, and she's every right to. It was a rude thing for your sister to do that, I'm sorry, but that's the plain truth of it. Unless she was just ignorant of your wedding date, but once you had brought it up to her, she could have changed it before any solid plans were made. 
You say your wife is a no go for the trip, and for trying to make the best of it, and as far as that is concerned,,, she will have to try and get over it. It's probably very hurtful to her, that someone did something so thoughtless, and that you, at least in her eyes, are going along with it. But, she can't cry about it forever, what is done, is done. So I would just really have a heart to heart with her, apologize for your sister's Sheer thoughtlessness and beg her to go away with you after your sister's wedding..... Sorry you're in a pinch! this one is difficult, but maybe one day you and the wife will look back and laugh? Here's hoping....


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

I do have to add.. that I dont' think your wife is being selfish at All.... after all, your sister could have chosen a different date, how many days are there in a year???? 365 was my last count. I understand if she wanted a June wedding, the most popular month for weddings, but there are also 30 days in June... and I'm sorry, but your sister really, really should have thought this through better before she did something so thoughtless. Everyone keeps talking about your sister's "big day" Well, just look at it this way, It is YOUR big day with your Wife too... and as much, it was your day a long time ago,,,, 10 years ago.... so, perhaps the selfish one here is not your wife, but your sister? Just a suggestion, something to ponder. I don't know that her ultimatum type , overboard reaction is worth bothering with, given that she can't change anything now, and will have to accept that what's done is done, but I Certainly don't think she's being selfish in any way..... It must occur to you,that she is genuinely deep down, Hurt.... There are certain things that are inappropriate. You Always send a thank you note, for weddings gifts, showers, or any type of gift. You always send a gift in lue of your presence if you can't make it to a wedding, or graduation, or baby/wedding shower,,,, and you Also Just do not plan your own wedding day, On the same day as your own Brother, thereby creating a huge issue for your brother and his wife. It's just not done, not unless you're not thinking of others.... This was you and your wife's "big day" first.... try to remember that, and don't be so hard on your wife.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

think back to your own wedding day 10 yrs ago, look how important it was to you then, you got married.
i think your sister is the selfish one, of the rest of the 364 days, she chose 365 - your date.
unfortunately i have been in a similar situation b 4 and it was with a wedding, my H at the time chose the wedding, but it caused nothing but heartache after and i stil dont forget. 
its because the issue at the time was very close to my heart and that little stab in the heart doesnt truly go away.
i dont think it wil for your wife.
im afraid if its causing that much tension, wife should come first,
but for the right reasons that you had intentions of doing something special on your day.
however if there were no intentions to do nothin on your day, then the wedding is an opportunity to have a different anniversary momento and you can stil enjoy it in the end.


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## Peridot (Dec 30, 2008)

But to put this into perspective.... Life's too short to quibble about a date. 

Parallax mentioned that part of the reason the June 12th date was picked is because it was not on a weekend, and thus cheaper. If I were planning a wedding, and if it couldn't be on a Saturday, I'd most likely pick a Friday date to make it as convienient as possible for guests. Considering there are only four Fridays in June 2009, she had a 1 out of 4 chance of picking Parallax and Mrs. Parallax's wedding anniversary if she wanted to have the wedding in the month of June (if she indeed had the choice of any of the Fridays, she may have not!) 

What I'm reading here, she should have been sensitive about the Parallax's wedding anniversary and planned accordingly... but wait, isn't this Parallax's sister's wedding? When push comes to shove, if I really wanted a June wedding, and the only date I could get was the 12th, then it is going to be the 12th regardless! I would only be able to hope my brother and sister-in-law would be gracious enough to understand.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

It's just not done. Not if the person has any kind of manners. If I had had my wedding day, on the same day as my sister's she would have given me the smack down, so to speak, and I don't think she would have been so thrilled at the idea. There was no reason this girl couldn't have worked around One day, out of the entire year. Out of all the days, of the Entire year,,, the only one that came to mind, was the same date as her Brother's???? I'm sorry, but I don't think that's kosher at all. And neither do most other people. However, I dont' think the wife will be able to do anything about it, so of course, she'll just have to live with it, and try her best to make the best of it with her hubby. But remember, this guy (the poster) already admitted, that he left his wife and new baby, alone on a special day that she wanted to spend with him, his birthday, to go to a concert with , his brother.... something that could have happened any other time. I am sensing a pattern here.... I am not saying anything bad about this guy, but he does seem to not realize how insensitve and brash his family members are being, and can't seem to see that they dont' have the ability to think of him, and his wife, and how they might feel about them planning events on days when they must realize unless they are totally inept , that he'll want to spend that time with his wife. I would be Super super sad , if my hubby chose to spend his birthday without me there. If she couldn't come to the concert, because of a new baby, or for whatever reason, then he should have told his bro, that it was a no go.... likewise, his sister then takes another important day from his wife, her TEN year anniversary... for pete's sake,, how hard would it have been, for this girl to simply Pick another date????? Or another month, if she had any sense, or consideratioin for her brother's wife, she wouldn't have done this. That is just my opinion. It was an obnoxious, and issue provoking thing to do. And any person with a brain could have seen this one coming, that's why, you just don't do stuff like that. You don't plan your wedding day, on your own brother's Ten Year Anniversary date.... you just don't. Ya pick another darn day... period...


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## Parallax (Dec 10, 2008)

marina72, I think my wife would like you a lot.  It sounds like you both think about this the same way.

I have since found out from my mom and my sister the way this came about: basically they arrived at that as a good date and started paying for things, and only then realized that it was our anniversary. So it was a coincidence on their part, rather than malicious. They certainly could have handled it better, but I don't think there was any intent to provoke.

My sister is the youngest of four and is definitely a bit spoiled in the way youngest children sometimes are. She's so used to getting her way that it doesn't even occur to her to consider other people a lot of the time.

I heard my wife say something the other day when we were talking about this that I thought was really interesting, and I wonder if anyone else has experienced this: She said that she really wanted for this not to be a big deal to her, that she really wanted to not care, but she couldn't. She actually said she feels guilty that she can't let it go. I tried to reassure her that her feelings are what they are and that she shouldn't pretend not to have them, but it made me wonder... has anyone else ever felt that way? What did you do about it?

Sidenote about the concert - it wasn't quite as bad as I made it sound in my short description. My brother actually called her before he got the tickets to find out of she had made plans for my birthday. In part due to her post-partum depression, she told him no, and so he got the tickets. When I found out how upset Mrs. Parallax was, I asked him to get another ticket and she came along while my mom watched the baby. So maybe it wasn't the best idea for my brother to get tickets for that day, but it wasn't as bad as I made it sound at first.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

Sorry to be so hard on you Parallax! LoL... but I understand how your wife feels. And yes, I have actually felt the way you described, I"m sure many people have. It's a feeling of being really hurt by something, and then second guessing yourself, and wondering if maybe you're overreacting, and then feeling guilty about not being able to get past it. It's not an uncommon thing. And although I'm sure your sis didn't mean to be malicious, in any way, she really should have realized that this would cause an issue, and even if she didn't think it would, she must have known that not everyone thinks the same way as she does. 
At any rate, I did mention in my other posts,,, that since the date is set, there's not much to be done at this point, except to go ahead and go to the wedding, unless, you are going to be bold, and tell your sister, that you already had planned to make this a special time with your wife, and that you regret not being able to be there, that would be an option, but one that you would have to think of carefully, as you don't want to hurt your sis either. 

I do think your wife, however hurt she may be, will have to suck it up, and go for your sake, and her sister-in-laws sake. I think your wife is feeling like you said, a mixture of emotions, from anger, to feeling betrayed that someone would plan an event on such a special day for her, to being upset at herself, for not being able to handle it with more grace. 
Well, look at it this way... what if you had planned, a big trip, bought tickets, or planned a party, a 10 year anniversary party, and then your sister, regardless of your anniversary, planned her wedding anyway. Or, for instance, let's say your sis has a baby, and plans a baby shower, and then your wife, makes a weekend getaway plan for you two? Do you not think your sis would be offended, hurt, and feel unimportant? This is assuming you would acutally go to a baby shower. The point I'm trying to make, is that whether you had bought tickets, made plans, booked a hotel for your anniversary or not, you both agreed that you'd make it special, ahead of time, and then this comes up, and totally messes up the plan and you didn't think twice about putting aside the plans for your wife and yourself to go to the wedding, this is likely making your wife feel like she's less important to you than your family, a huge no no,,, because your wife , is ultimately, the one you owe your first loyalty to. Your wife was likely very much looking forward to getting away with you, and making this a time to remember for the rest of your lives, yes, women think that way....

So, when her hopes got dashed a bit, she got crushed, and is digging in her heels, and staying hurt. You can't blame her. But the feelings of guilt arise, because maybe she knows that your sister is also important, and that now that it's set, it can't be changed easily. So she's torn. All I can suggest is, try your best to let her know, that you never meant for her to be hurt, and that your sister probably didn't use the best judgment, and that you dont' blame your wife for being upset about this. Then, tell her she's the most precious thing in the world to you, and ask her to please consider going away with you, after the wedding. Buy her a reallllly nice present if you can afford it! LOL.... diamonds are always good... and anyway, the 10 year anniversary gift, is a diamond band! And , remember next time Parallax, Your wife Always comes first,,, Always.... she's your wife, your bro , and sis, will have to be second. This is not a bad thing, it's the way it's intended to be. Your marriage and wife should always be your first priority. I know you know that, as I can tellyou love her dearly. So just try to gently work her into going away after the wedding, and try to make the best of it, what more can you do? Good luck! 

ps,... flowers never hurt either! hehe...


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Dude, all i can really say is: women (rolling my eyes).


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## pinkprincess (Jun 10, 2008)

well i see you have had a lot of advise on this, but i will add my quick comment also...

You only have that sister once and fingers crossed she only gets married once, it would be a terrible shame to miss her big day.

I can see why your wife is upset about this, however to make you choose between your sister and her is not on... i wonder what she would do if it was her family... tis trip can always be taken a day later, just one day.... or even you could attend your sisters wedding breakfast and then wisk her away after to a preprepared hotel room (ie roses and anything that symolises your big day 10 years ago and the next day head away on the planed trip..


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## Pete (Mar 10, 2009)

Wow, I've got a VERY similar situation.

My (older) sister's wedding is the day after our 5 year anniversary. Her wedding is halfway across the country, and she wants our 1 and 3 year old kids to be "in" her wedding. We fought the battle between the two of us about the date, although its still a sore subject with my wife. Now we decided that we just don't want to bring the kids, and we want to go off on a quick mini-vacation immediately after the wedding to celebrate our anniversary. My sister is now really upset that we are not going to bring the kids. I told my wife that maybe we should reconsider bringing them and just coming back and it turned into a huge fight. Help!


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

Tell your sister you'll bring the kids to her wedding if she and her new hubby are willing to watch them while you and your wife go off on your mini-vacation the next day.  I guarantee she won't want to do that!


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## Peridot (Dec 30, 2008)

Leahdorus said:


> Tell your sister you'll bring the kids to her wedding if she and her new hubby are willing to watch them while you and your wife go off on your mini-vacation the next day.  I guarantee she won't want to do that!


:rofl:


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Oh how I wish this was my issue and only issue Wanna trade! just be whatever about it who cares


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## heartbroken1957 (Apr 8, 2011)

I am with Sunflower. I WISH this was my biggest problem. 
I married on my brothers wedding annv., and my fathers first marriage annv. 
First I asked my Father if it would cause memory problems. He laughed and said "H**L I didn't even remember that date."
Then I phoned Brother and asked if it would bother them. No Problem. So we married on that date. It was a month after brother-in-law and his wife, 2 days before Father/Mother-in-laws annv. 
Ours was a small thing with out much ado, because we were both divorcees. 

Now how would you handle two sons getting married a week apart, with one in Texas on a moments notice, (one week) and the other in Illinois, (planned for a year). 
I was upset because it was Good Friday for the Texas, small, we could not go, bride didn't invite. Poor oldest son was coming to Il to stand up with his brother and his new wife refused to come. 
Lots of heartache and you just keep remembering they are family and in 10 yrs we will laugh at the drama.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Dead Thread


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

I have an idea. Go to the wedding and recipeption. Eat, Dance and Drink with the family to celebrate the new couple and then leave right after for your vacation. Sort of like a honeymoon. Please tell your wife that if she start an arguement about this, it will continue well into the future. She will never be forgiven as a daughter-in-law.


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