# Sex addiction



## GA2009

Hello I am new here.I am not the type to join groups online but I am here out hopelesness. I have been married for 24 years and recently found out my husband has been viewing pornography for many years.

I was wondering for a while what was wrong with my relationship, my husband was very absentminded and show little interest for our family. After reading many articles about men becoming addicted to pornography and messing their marriages I became addicted to finding out more about it. Well, I have been really shocked to find out that pornography is more serious than I thought. Sexual addiction is what my husband's porn addiction has developed into. Here are some of the symptoms, emotional detachment, lack of involvement,lying, anger, spending alot of time by himself, waking up in the middle of the night, lusting, lack of intimacy and even affairs. 

After confronting my husband about his pornography and talking to him about how he could have a sex addiction he denies having anything like that. I live with him I have seen all the symptoms but again he denies and gets really angry everytime I see him act a certain way and I confront him. btw...myhusband spends lots of his time on the computer and in the bathroom, he also lusts after every attractive woman when we go out in public which off course takes away all my confidence. This has been going on for years and we argue alot about this. We have good days but lately the bad days are more than the good ones.

He denies having any problems and instead says that I am possesive and jealouss. I now think that my husband has been viewing porn for many years behind my back. 

I don't think pornography is good for any relationship in fact I think porn is degrading to women and harmful to any relationship. Men that view pornography as my husband said want to masturbate to those pictures and also prefer to that to their spouses because it is quick and it doesn't requiere any type of intimacy.

We have been seeing a counselor but my husband says it is not necessary because he has quit looking at porn and he has no desire to do it, yet his behaviors of lusting after every woman he sees are still there, as well as his anger and detachment from us. 

I am sorry if this got kind of lenghty, I just wanted to explain what I am going through. Hopefuly I can get some advice.

thanks


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## Blanca

GA2009 said:


> myhusband spends lots of his time on the computer and in the bathroom, he also lusts after every attractive woman when we go out in public which off course takes away all my confidence.


I know how you feel. I knew my H was addicted to porn, but he always lied to me and told me he wasnt checking out other girls. but i could tell something was off b/c he was so detached from me. i felt like he didnt even know i was there when we were in public together. 

so one day when we were at the mall, i asked him to be honest with me. i asked him if he was checking out other girls. he said yes. man, i lost it. after everything else i had been through with him, this was the straw that broke me. i stormed out of the place, threw my ring out the window on the drive home, and filed for divorce when i got home. 

I didnt go through with it, and although things are better between us, i still dont like being in public with him.



GA2009 said:


> We have been seeing a counselor but my husband says it is not necessary because he has quit looking at porn and he has no desire to do it, yet his behaviors of lusting after every woman he sees are still there, as well as his anger and detachment from us.


If he's really being honest about not viewing porn, then im sure he wouldnt mind if you put a monitoring system on his computer. K9 Web Protection - Free Internet Filtering and Parental Controls Software this is what i have on mine. my H put it on himself b/c he really wants to quit the porn addiction. i have the password and i can look at it whenever i want. ask your H to put this on his computer. if he gets angry and defensive and wont let you put it on there, then he's lying and hiding things behind your back. he'll tell you you're trying to be controlling, treating him like a child, blah, blah, blah. dont listen to it. he's manipulating you b/c he doesnt want to be accountable for his lies. you dont have to put one on there if he wont let you. You'll have your answer one way or another.


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## jaclynnbaker

Sweety my heart is hurting for you right now. I so know first hand where you are coming from. Your husband has brought other women into your home and possibly your bed and I know that is hard. We as women see this for what it is. Wrong, disgusting, sinful, harmful...men sometimes don't. They make excuses as do any addict. Get out your bible. Read him scripture about how God feels about porn and lust. The bible says that any man that looks at a woman with lust in his heart has already commited adultry. How does he feel about that? That should be a slap in the face. 
I agree with the other poster, you should definately have an online filter placed on all computers in your home immediately. www.truevine.net/contract.html is the one that we use. It is VERY cheap, simple, and you can set it to be as free or strict as you see fit. They are a Christian blocker and I highly recommend their service. There is a website that you should check out. You may have beem there already in your search for answers. It is Free info about porn and sexual addictions. I recomend you visit this site, have your husband visit it (it WILL bring him to conviction) and if he will not, print off things for him and leave them lying around where his curious mind will most definately find them and check them out. I also recomend you and him watching the movie Fireproof. It is about a man that is also addicted to porn. It is new, just came out on DVD and me and my DH highly recomend it for good, great, and troubled marriages! It is wonderful. There is also a website with help and direction that is linked to the movie. It is Welcome To FireProofMyMarriage.com Check that out. 
Next, I would suggest you FLOOD your home with scripture. This is something that I did when me and my DH were first married (he was an unbeliever and addict of MANY things). I am in the process of doing it again as well as we are in a rut in our relationship and our faith. I am telling you hunny... it will do wonders for your heart, your mind and will definately affect him as well. Sometimes reading Gods word is not enough. Sometimes we really have to soak it all in. I simply took sticky notes and wrote some topical scripture and notes on them. I the placed them on the mirrors, on the door frame to the front door for when we are walking out of the door. Look in the back of your bible and look up any word that you are dealing with right now. Hope, Peace, Addiction, Marriage....go to bible.org or focusonthefamily and search for scripture. Then, you need to do some house cleaning honey. You are the wife here and you alone. You go through your house and get EVERYTHING that has any idea of sexual immorality and you box it up and you throw it out. Magazines, movies, advertisements. You have got to make your home a "safe zone" for you and for him. Sin don't live here no more...I got odd looks from the trash man the day me and my DH cleaned house. Have you ever seen a man take a four foot stack of porn out back and burn it??? That is what all of this and some serious prayer led my DH to do. I did not even know that he had them. 
God bless you honey and your hurting heart. I will bow before God tonight and pray a special healing prayer for you and your husband. If you need anything at all, know that I am here and have been there. I am young, and you have almost been married as long as I have been alive, but I have been there and I care about you. I know that together you and God can bring conviction and healing to your dear husband. Pray for him right now honey. 
Dear Lord....I life up my dear friend here's husband to you...I pray Lord that you would convict this man of his hurtful horrible sin Lord that is not only tearing him down but is causing real pain for his wife. Lord I pray that he would see what is happening here, come out of denial and into your throne of grace...seeking forgiveness from you and her as well. Lord God, I lift up my dear friend here as well Lord as we know that porn and lust affects more than just the addict...it affects the whole family and is like a vulture waiting for the dead flesh. Lord I pray for her strength and wisdom in this horrible time of confusing. I pray that you would lead her to do and say the things that you would have her to...In your holy and precious name....Amen
God Bless you dear...


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## GA2009

Thanks to both of you for your support and for the great advice. I truly appreciate it and even though I don't wish this to any woman, it is good to know that I am not alone.

I have tried so many different things to get rid off of this problem. You see I thought that this was all my fault because I have been busy raising my children and since my husband has not been too involved with us I have had to do the job of both of us. I have been a stay at home mom the entire time, and had felt very alone because as I said this has been going on for along time. The pronography that I found back in sept was the tip of the iceburg and that is what has made me realize that my husband has a sex addiction.

Right now we argue constantly because it seems to me that he sexualizes every woman, I have even seen him lusting after our two daughters ,that is how far things have gone.

I keep hoping that if we find the right counselor and that he will be able to spot what is going on, but my husband has become very deceiving and he is very good at puting on a face for each person he talks to. I keep telling him that I can no longer recognize him and I feel that I do not know who he is anymore.

We go to church but even in church his looks are very lustful and I can tell he is not receving the message... I can tell by the way he acts and looks around at women and hardly participates.

I am constantly throwing away material that may trigger any undesirable feelings but he is not too happy about that. I put on the parental controls but he doesn't want me to block him of any websites, he says that it slows down his computer.

So far he has lost two jobs because of his lusting, recently I basically told him if he didn't quit his job I was going to leave, he was flirting with his boss I could tell by the way he treated me and his behavior altogether, and he even went as far as asking me for a divorce last year, a comment I completely ignored.

He is completely possesed by lust and denies it and instead calls me a puritan when i tell him that watching some shows that have women showing too much skin is not good becuase it causes distance between us. The reason I say this is because I know how this things trigger him and then he wants to go into the bathroom for long periods of time.

He went to a Sex anounymos gruop but he said it was too carnal and didn't want to go back, he said "besides I am not as bad as those guys, I don't think I have those problems". 

Thanks for the prayer and advice and I am continually praying for him that he could be a better father and husband but for now I just hope he will accept he has a problem.


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## Blanca

GA2009 said:


> I have even seen him lusting after our two daughters ,that is how far things have gone.


You need to leave him. Its one thing that he is completely disrespecting you, but now he's warping your kids. Dont subject them to this. Your H is not going to quit. He needs a wake up call.


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## jaclynnbaker

ok, you need to get you and your daughters out of there as fast as you can. That is incestuous disgust and he does not need the chance to change with you. He should be in prison for a long time, I am sorry, but this is just something that should NOT be taken lightly. How can anyone, sick or not, lust after thier children??? OMG...if you need help finding a shelter or something I can search your area for you, but it would be a great sin and a crime to stay there with him (to keep your daughters there anyway). How old are your girls?? NOt that that matters, but just wondering. Do they feel that he is watching them??? wow hunny, please do not make excuses for him, you must leave.


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## MarkTwain

GA2009- 

I really feel for you, this must be very difficult.



GA2009 said:


> I have even seen him lusting after our two daughters ,that is how far things have gone.


Are you absolutly sure this is the case? If you are sure, you must not let it carry on, you have a duty of care as a mother to protect your children.

However, I wonder if you are sure. What has he actually done so far? I'm not saying you are incorrect, it's just that you are making a very serious allegation here. You must be sure it is a fair judgement before you move the process further forward, becuase this man's life will be ruined once the police get involved.

Again, I'm not saying you should protect him, the children must come first.


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## GA2009

He has given so many reasons to believe this. 
Well, to start with my daughters are 11 and 21. Since my 21 y.o. was younger her looked at her and checked her out just like a man looks at a woman. I brought that to his attention and he just said you are crazy. Also, now that she is older he cheks her out everytime she would walk by and he would be sitting in our living room on his computer, he also gave her this little grin every time she went by and I notice those looks. I couldn't believe it. I also, asked him about that and he denied it completely.

When our 11 y.o was younger she used to climb between us in the middle of the night and when I was sleep I felt something that woke me up several times, some time of movement and when I would wake up, I would noticed him adjusting himself on his crotch. I became very suspicious and I started sleepin with our daughter and he started sleeping more and more in the living room. Well, I saw him several times going towards my daughter and trying to touch her. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was checking to see who was there. Dum excuse! I saw that a few times ans I also saw him get out from our daughters room one night and when I went in there she has no covers on. He didn't see me he waas going into the bathroom. All this happened at night while everyone slept. Right now he is constantly trying to look at her when she comes home from school and looks at her with the same looks he gives women when we go out in public. He also want to go by and touch her and get really close to her and rubs his crotch against her adn off course my daugther is too young to notice anything. He is very sneaky. He definetely does not treat her like his daughter.

So what do you think? these are some of the things I notice and he denies it all the time. He screams at me so loud when I ask him, he is very volatile.


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## GA2009

I have asked my husband if he was molested when he was younger and he says he wasn't. However, my father in law was an alcoholic and he was not very involved with his kids.

He said that when he was growing up he spent most of his time outside wiht his friends and his friends were not the best company. I met him before we got married. My husband jyst didn't seem like that the type of person who would have or would develop this type of problem.

I truly think that pornography along with lust and lack of something spiritual in his life is the major reason he has developed all these moral issues.

I keep hoping that if we attend church he is going to change, many people change their lives completely when they convert to Christianity. So far my husband's heart is very hard and feels that he is not hurting anyone. He has lost his consience that is what I think, otherwise ho can you go as far as looking at your own children that way. It is unexplanable to me.

I have been reading alot about sex addiction and it says that men that suffer of lust and sexualize women take a lot of risks and because of that end up ruining their lives.


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## GAsoccerman

Wow, I just sat here and read all of this.

I agree with your husband that you are jealous and very possesive.

So far to think that he is lusting after his own daughters... have you asked your daughters hs he ever touched them inapproprately? have they ever said anything along this line? are they distant from them?

You do realize that while a man is sleeping his penis will get hard if rubbed in any which way, it is almost an instinct, and kudos for him of pulling him out of the situation by going downstairs to sleep, I made our daughter go to her bed where she belongs, same for my son's. 

I'll tell my daughter if she looks good in an outfit or if she looks bad, I'll give her a hug and a kiss on the forehead, I tell her every day how pretty she is and how beautiful she is, why? to help her and her self esteem, and that she is my daughter and I only hope great things for her.

You sound very paranoid, you actually think he lusts after every woman? LOL 

I have a older woman at my work that walks by my desk in a leopard shirt, she is a good 20 years older then me, but when she walks by in her shirt I always say to her, " grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr baby looking good!" She lets out a big laugh and says thanks, she knows I am teasing her and just having fun.

I can see a very good looking woman on TV, the mall or simply on the street, and I can say to my wife, "wow she is really pretty" and my wife will agree or disagree with me, but she can also do the same thing for men, I hear " brad Pitt, George Clooney, etc" all the time.

I was even given a picture of a man out of people magaize and asked if I can make my body look like his, I replied, "sure honey I'll get right to work!"

Sounds like you are parnoid your husband will leave you for whatever reason, you been married 24 years and he has never strayed, yet you have it in your mind that he must be a pervert.

I have viewed porn, it's unrealistic and most of the women are really ugly from the neck up. But hey if you can't get anything from your spouse you need a outlet right?

I believe you have very low self esteem and being home all these years has not helped. I think you both should go to marriage conseling, there are deeper issues here, while you are trying to blame your husband and the porn, that is just a symptom.

I am really sad you accused your husband of lusting after your daughters, is your 21 year old a mess? Does she have any signs? Does she stay away from your husband as much as possible? or does she hug him or anything?

I guess I am a pervert when I tell my sisters they look smoking hot an the boys should watch out.

Really I think you should really examine this situation, I imagine you have zero sex life with your husband.


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## GA2009

Just because I haven't seen my husband doing more serious things of what I have seen it doesn't mean he hasn't, and that is one of my major worries. As I said he walks around at night when we are all sleep. I can't leave my 11 y.o alone with him anymore because He has tried to go by and rub his crotch against her when I am around thinking I can't see him, my daughter has no idea she is too young and knows very little about men. 

As I said before I started sleeping with my daughter and he even came in at night in the room and tried to touch her and I woke up and, I saw him several times trying to touch her or doing something to her it was dark but I could see him doing something. I was half sleep and this happened several times. I have also caught him staring at her buttom when she is leaning down towards the computer, he was just sitting next to her starring at her butt, and I have also seen him trying to touch her butt when he is close to her. His behavior towards our daughters is just too wierd and un-dad like. He ignores our son and wants to interact with our daughters, only in a certain way. He doesn't takes the time to discipline unless I ask him to and then he gets really angry because I ask him to. Instead he acts like a dirty old man around them. My older daughter is now not living with us, but when I asked her about this, she simply says that she feels uncomfortable around him.

I think the lust problem has been going on for many years and he has cultivated those thoughts maybe at work with his coworkers and with other women because he is very flirty and then it has gone as far as our daughters.

The porn as I said is the tip of the iceburg, but I don't think porn is good for a marriage, I think is a degrading thing for women. It makes women look like objects and that has to affect men and their percepcion of women. It has turn my husband into a sex Zombie, that is the only thing that seems to get his attention anymore.


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## GAsoccerman

OK, let me get this straight...

You have zero solid evidence, just what you think or imply.

If I were you, I would sit down with your Oldest daughter alone somewhere. I would be blunt and just say to her, Has your father ever done anything wrong to you when you were younger? you know the basic, "good touch or bad touch" theory. 

Don't steer her and don't come up with your own conclusions.

Let her tell you, and if she asks why, just say, I want to make sure nothing is happening to (11year old child). So I need to know, has you father EVER done anything that was inappropriate?

I don't mean a slap on the butt, either. I coach my daughters soccer team and I am around young girls all the time some of them are extremely loving girls, but as their coach I have to make sure they understand what is appropriate behavior, while it is OK for my daughter to jump on my back or slap my tush, it's not ok for the other girls to do it, becuase they are not my daughters. I had my goalie who ahd gloves on say to me, Can you tuck my shirt in for me, I simply said no dear, I can't do that, have another player help you or go see your mom or dad to tuck it in. 

As a father society has made me uncomfortable around my daughter, I am worried about what other people think or might interpet as to what is good or bad touch. Will someone call the cops if I slap my daughter on the tush for doing a great job on the soccer field?

When we go on vacation we usually get 1 room for 5 of us, My wife and 2 sons sleep in 1 bed, while My daughter and I sleep in another....OH MY GOD!!! why is this? well I will tell you why, becuase my daughter and I are "still" sleepers, we do not toss and turn, when we fall asleep, she stays still and so do i, While my wife and two boys are all over the place, which makes for a very uncomfortable sleep for the "driver" which is me, if I am going to be driving any amount of time, I need a good sleep.

While soon we will be getting a second attached hotel room for the kids, it is hard not to save a couple of hundred dollars by sharing a room.

Also for the "walking around at night" I've done that as well, often to check on my children, to make sure they are ok or to make sure they turned the TV's off, etc.

If I were you, I would sit down witht he 21 year old and make sure nothing bad has happened in the past, if she comes out and says something has? well I would call the cops immediately and have him arrested and get him out of your lives.

Have you ever taken your 11 daughter to an OBY to make sure nothing has ever happened to her? they would know if she has ever had anything happen to her.

I mean seriously, you need to seperate fact from fiction.

none of this "what if or what could happen"

Someone has filled your head with some really bad thoughts, you need to decide what is going on here.

You best answers with your 21 year old, if she says, "dad has never been bad with me" I would take her word, I would even ask the 11 year old, has dad ever done anything inapproprate?

Tell them you need to know the honest truth, it is a simple Yes or no. Then you decide your course of action.

Have a talk with both daughters together or even the son included.

IF it is a yes, I am calling the cops.

If it's a no, then you must ask yourself, what are you really doing here....

It's like you been driving and you are just waiting to hae a car accident....like you want it to happen.

I would sit down and have a very serious talk with your kids, either alone or together. I wouldn't wait another day.

IF you do do this, please let us know what they said.

I have a co-worker whose father verbally and physically abuse him and sexually assaulted his sisters, yet the guy still married to his mother and the co-worker does what ever the father asks, like he still has control, and one of his sister's ended up killing herself. This man has so much control, the wife stays and just denies what happened, and the son is a miserable person....If it were me the father would be in jail or dead.

My children are the most precious things on this earth to me, if anyone were to harm them in that fashion I would have them terminated, ruining innocence is unacceptable.


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## italiana86

GA Soccerman, I mean you are right she should be sure about what she sees, she sayed that "...I can't leave my 11 y.o alone with him anymore because He has tried to go by and rub his crotch against her when I am around thinking I can't see him, ..."
so this is a way different thing than to give a smack on the butt!

But than to you GA2009, if you are so sure about it, how can you stay with someone like that...?? I love my H very very much, but if he would do stuff like that I would leave the first time I have seen that!!!! 

And how can a father play with his self while his daughter is sleeping next to him... (I hope I didn't misunderstand) 
OMG, this is so AAAHHHH
I can't even explain it in words!!! 

If you are really sure about that, don't work on your relationship, get rid of him!!! I know, god said in good and bad times, but if somebody trys to hurt my kids, it's not bad it's the worst and I gotta leave....

make up your mind and keep us posted.


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## GAsoccerman

Italian, don't get me wrong, if this guy did anything to his daughters I would hang him....and that is being nice.

But, ga2009 seems to do alot of assuming. I want confirmation from her oldest daughter, If I had confirmation, then I would have him arrested and get therapy for both girls.

but you can't ASSUME in something like this, you are talking a felony crime.

Talk to your daughters and get the truth. I have a 11 year old daughter I would kill anyone that harmed her.

But society has also made me scarred to give her a hug.


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## Blanca

I read about this sort of thing once; asking about sexual abuse. It was awhile ago but from what i read i actually dont think its a good idea to ask the oldest daughter, at least not directly. If nothing did happen, then mom is introducing thoughts into an impressionable mind. Then the daughter mind start to read more into events and actually create events that never really happened. that's what i read at least. 

I think if mom wants to consult the daughter about any alleged abuse, she ought to consult a professional on how to go about it. These things can be very tricky.


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## MarkTwain

GA2009-
This is a tough thread.

One reads about cases where the mother ignored all the signs, and bang something happens.

On the other hand, you are seeing all the signs, but have no solid evidence. 

I wonder whether he appears to be perpetually thinking of sex because you don't want him. What is your frequency of sex like?

On the other hand, fathers will go out of their way *NOT* to rub their crotch against any family member who is not their wife, so this does sound odd. 

Again on the other side, all healthy young men get erections during dream sleep, irrespective of the content of the dream. It is caused by the nervous system relaxing the smooth muscle in the penis.

He is now sleeping on his own and you are sleeping with the daughter? This is getting to the point where outside help may be needed.


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## GA2009

Yes, I believe alot of you think that I am assuming alot and to an outsider it seems like alot of assuming.

Before I actually confronted my husband about the situation with my youngest she was already maybe 6 years old. The reason is because I was waiting to be sure, because this is a very serious accusation. 

When we first got married he' very attractive and he was more of the wordly kind of guy, but a very nice guy, just not the churchie type person. We had some very happy years for the first three years of our marriage and then after I had our first child he became very uninvolved and almost recentful with the baby daughter. It was alot of work and it took away from our time together. He told me recently that I have ignored him since I became a mother.

He has always been kind of flirty and it kind of bothered me but I didn' have a lot of time to worry about that because I was rasing the children pretty much alone. I have been a stay at home for that many years. I have also gone to school durring that time so I have been very busy to really give him more attention. I think that he should just got involved more with our family.

My husband is also very retrospective person he doesn't try hard to make friends, he doesn't keep contact with his family and with my family since they are more religious he doesn't really tries too hard to make friends with them. My borthers and sisters all seem to have pretty good marriages at least for what I hear and see. But...we seemed to be the falshy ones with all the problems.

I have been lately trying to figure out what I did wrong for him to behave this way, and I asked him and he said that I told him one day that I didn't care for sex anymore. I don't rememver saying that, but I do remember that due to hormonal changes I have been having low sex drive so I remember telling him that I didn't have as much interest anymore.

My youngest daughter sleeping between us didn't help, and maybe my husband had urges and I was pooped and also my daughter was sleeping with us and so maybe he allowed his mind to run wild. I have heard that pornography will disensitize men and will affect their judgement. 

My husband's pornography problem wasn't just recently I think as I said before he has done it in the past, and it has been affecting his judgement, because I have no other explanations for him to look at our daughters that way.

My oldest daughter loves her dad so much and doesn't want to get involved and say bad things about him so when I asked her if he has ever touched her inapropiately, she said no that I remember, but she did say that she feels uncomfortable to go out with him alone, so she never went out without her brother, I could never understand why but now, I can understand better.

My youngest daughter ahs been taking health classes and she hates that class she says is disgusting stuff and she doesn't want to share anything about her class. I have asked her if anybody has ever touched her inapporpiately and she said no.

I think my husband is good man but he is very misguided, his dad never had a relationship with him and he doesn't call him. He feels his dad should call him and so I think my husband was raised without that guidance. Perhaps that is why he got into porn as well, perhaps to overcome those feelings of emptiness because he is a shy person (except with women).

We have been going to counseling and I have shared my concerned about his sex adddiction with the counselor but my hsuband denies it. He told the counselor that he knows his limitations and that he would never hurt our daughters. So I don't know what to think anymore. I can't talk to anyone about this except the counselor. The counselor tells me if you really feel that you have to be watching him every moment because you are afraid for your daughter then you should leave him. BUT...

This is the scary part, my husband told me,think about what you want to do about this feelings you have about our daughter, because if we get a divorce,she will have to come and stay with me alone, because you have no proof for the court to stop me from seeing her.

So... I get really confused about what to do.

Right now I sleep half of the night with our daughter to protect her and half of the night with him to stop him from going back to porn. It is exhausting.


Thanks for all the advice everyone and I am sorry this got so long.


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## Blanca

GA2009 said:


> This is the scary part, my husband told me,think about what you want to do about this feelings you have about our daughter, because if we get a divorce,she will have to come and stay with me alone, because you have no proof for the court to stop me from seeing her.


I was actually thinking about this the other day after i said to leave him. I remember reading another posters story about having to leave her kids alone with a man that might abuse them, and that the courts wouldnt do anything about it because she had no 'proof'. 

you are in a very tough situation. i think you should do whatever feels like you would be protecting your daughter.


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## MarkTwain

GA2009

Than you for withstanding my tough questioning 
I have been loath to jump to conclusions either way. It is important to make efforts to be fair when one only hears the story from one side.



GA2009 said:


> I have been lately trying to figure out what I did wrong for him to behave this way, and I asked him and he said that I told him one day that I didn't care for sex anymore. I don't rememver saying that, but I do remember that due to hormonal changes I have been having low sex drive so I remember telling him that I didn't have as much interest anymore.


OK. So sexually speaking, what has been the outcome since the kids came along. Do you have a regular sex life, or was he going for long periods of time frustrated.




GA2009 said:


> It was alot of work and it took away from our time together. He told me recently that I have ignored him since I became a mother.
> .
> .
> He has always been kind of flirty and it kind of bothered me but I didn' have a lot of time to worry about that because I was rasing the children pretty much alone. I have been a stay at home for that many years. I have also gone to school durring that time so I have been very busy to really give him more attention. I think that he should just got involved more with our family.


So is he correct? Did you ignore him?

My guess a this point is that there may be two issues here. His sex drive was frustrated, and in getting no response from you, it has become somewhat twisted and manifests as inappropriate flirting and worse, but hopefully has not yet crossed the line into full blown abuse. 

Did the porn start up after the baby was born?


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## T.O.girl

GA2009 said:


> This is the scary part, my husband told me,think about what you want to do about this feelings you have about our daughter, because if we get a divorce,she will have to come and stay with me alone, because you have no proof for the court to stop me from seeing her.


Asking your daughters might not help...maybe he's been masturbating or doing other stuff to them while they are asleep?

maybe you should start collecting some evidence...maybe you should install hidden cameras? what about computer spyware to see what kind of porn he looks at? there's a lot of incest porn out there...if he has facebook profile or other profile, maybe you should set up a fake teenage girl profile and send him messages see if he bites...? or maybe you should look for a professional investigator to help you if you have money? 

A lot of perverts exist out there...my best friend's father is one of them...he has given me looks, invited me to his house for wine...but i never went...and the last straw was when he squeezed my breasts and butt...i have never went to their house since, i told his children but they just laughed it off saying he was just an old guy having some harmless fun...but thanks God i wasn't a minor...i was 24 at that time...but who knows what he might be doing to other girls? they are very social people and there's always young kids coming in and out their house...


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## raising5boyz

I would definitely seek some professional help to address this with your daughters. I had to deal with the suspicion of someone (her mothers boyfriend) possibly molesting my step-daughter, and the advise I got was DO NOT TALK TO HER ABOUT IT! They said to take her to a professional and have them ask the questions. The problem with a parent asking is the possibility of the parent putting ideas in the daughters head and then they cannot rely on what the daughter says and use it in court. It is a whole different situation if the daughter just starts talking about it on her own. IF that happens, they said to not give a reaction in anyway...act as though she were telling you about her day at school. The reason being that the girl is more likely to keep talking since you don't act surprised, mad, or anything else. And remember, in situations with a father, the daughters will feel loyalty to their father, or a whole slew of other emotions that may keep them quiet about anything that may of happened. You can call and ask questions of people without giving names and details...ie: Child Protective Services, or any Child Advocacy Center. Listen to your gut and get a definite yes or no one way or the other. Your guilt will be immense if you ignore your intuition and later find out you could of prevented something horrible from happening. I would also say it won't do any good to ask him about it...how many cases do you know where someone openly admits to a crime of any type?


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## GAsoccerman

well there you have it...

Take BOTH your daughters to see a professional and get the truth.

if he has sexually abused your daughters in anway, have him arrested, file a restraining order on him for both your daughters, find the best damn lawyer you can find that specializes in this and don't worry about $$.

If you were my neighbor and I faound out he did this to your daughters I would Kick his ASk....

But you need to find out the truth....


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## GA2009

Thanks for the support everyone.

MT I will answer your question. Yes our intimate life has definetely been affected by circumstances such as the kids, and life in general, his work and commuting also. However, if he would have been more involved with our kids when he came home, then I would have been more available and perhaps more up to it.

I remember telling him one day that I was going through hormonal problems because I had no interest, but I also remember that the reason I lost interest was because I was starting to see strange things from his behavior towards our daughters, this was about 6 years ago.


My thoughts on that matter is that he wants things done but he doesn't want to have to work for them, if would spend less time in his computer I would be more into him. Lack of commitment and that unfortunately is his personality in many aspects. He gets excited about starting something but he never goes through with it. He doesn't get completely involved in anything and he is not very motivated, perhaps he was more when we first met but then he slowly changed and lost it. He lacks passion for anything except, his lusting habit and his computer game that he plays. World of WarCraft, he is definetely into fantasy, spends about 4 to 8 hours a day. That is his religion, and his passion. He tells me I need a hobby.
I am more spiritual than he is, actually and I am closer to my children. 

My husband likes to isolate himself and doesn't particpate or like to make friends. However he is very friendly with the women neighbors, he smiles and gives them looks and tries to make conversation with them. The same with our daughters he loves to make conversation with them, however, the only relationship that he has with our son is through the game they play and it is very impersonal. That always makes me wonder. Because he tells me that I am stopping him from having a relationship with his kids, but I know that what he is really talking about is our daughters.

This is a really difficult situation. Today I asked him to go to counseling by himself and talk to him openly and to be honest with him about his flirting and lusting after our daughters and he said he would at one point and later he shared with me that what he did instead was to complain about how I have made out to be such a monster, and that I am savotaging his relationship with our children, and that I acusse him of going to porn websites when he already stopped.

Truth is he told me stopped but he still continues with the same behaviors. I honestly think that he has been doing this porn thing since before we got married. He said his brother used to show him magazines when he was 14 or 15 and maybe he got addicted since. Porn messes up people and relationships. My husband is the result of many years of lusting after those pictures and other women too. His behavior is very careless and he doesn't plan for the future, he is always in fantasy land, and impossible to get his attention. Always into computers or TV. or lost in his own thoughts. Gets angry if I ask him why he is so uninvolved, and spaced out. Just doesn't live much of a life. He says he likes fantasy.

GAsoccerman it seems to me you are a great father, good for you. I have been thinking about taking my youngest daughter to a counselor but I don't want to traumatise her with those types of questions. She is already very reluctant to talking about sex. As for my older daughter she leaves away from us and these problems with me and my husband have created distance between us and she doesn't care to get involved. I wish you could teach my husband a lesson or two about how to be a good father.

To all of you who suggested cameras, I have thought of it but don't know how to go about it.

I can see sometimes that my husband feels remorse but it doesn't seem to last too long. 


Thanks for reading everyone.


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## MarkTwain

GA2009-

OK, so you gave some good answers, but can I ask for detail? How often have you had sex in the last 12 months? and what kind of sex is it? (quality etc.)


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## Mr B

It's important to understand that so-called "sex addiction" is not an official diagnosis recognized by the American Psychiatric Association. It is a term made up by "Sexperts" trying to peddle books, various 12 step cultists. and religious hellfire and damnation types. 

However, hypersexuality can be a problem whether it is serial affairs, porn, prostitutes or fetishistic behavior. There is a very good reason why these problems are not grouped under an official heading of "sex addiction" It is because they are all symptoms of psychological disorders already recognized by the APA such as obsessive compulsive disorder, attachment disorders (RAD) and various types of anxiety and depressive disorders which, like alcoholism, are considered mental illnesses which are treated by psychotherapy and/or medication.

This is also the reason why 12 step programs to treat these psychological sexual illnesses have an extremely high failure rate.


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## GA2009

Hello,

MT to answer your question, how often do we have sex. Our relationship was not very good for a few years, because of what I saw my husband trying to do to our baby daughter. It really hurt me so bad that I didn't even care be close to him.

Last sept I found porn on his computer and I was also devastated with that, in fact I think the fact that I found the porn in sept. doesn't tell me that he hasn't been doing it for longer, because he said I rejected him, he said he has done it for a few years but I think it has been longer than a few years I think it has been more like many many years, because during our pregnancy, we never had sex. I also think he became addicted to porn, because he was very reluctant to be close to our family and just very destracted all the time, seemed into another world. I just know it was the porn...

As for now, he has told me that he quit the porn and so I have been trying to fix our relationship by sleeping with him at least part of the night, and being intimate at lest once a week. He says he is fine witht that. But, I think he would rather Mast.. and fantasize because he has become so addicted to Mast.... He denies it. He says he is not doing it. But...everytime I go downstairs and he is all alone(which he likes to spend alot of time alone) he is touching his crotch and turns away from me, he is obssesed with his sexuality.
He says he is not and yells at me so loud that the whole neighborhood can hear him.

So, I feel that even though I am trying to fix our intimate life, he is still more into fantasizing and even trying to look at any women's panties adds or tv shows and mast.... I find that unacceptable.

Mr.B you said that sex addiction is just a term Psychiatrist use for people with obsessions. Well, my husband is defientely obsessed with lusting and his P.... It is the only thing that I think is important in his life. 

Something intersting, he saw the counselor and told him that I don't trust him and that his sex obsession is mild...??? I don't think so. He didn't tell me everything the counselor said but he said that I will conitnue my comp is dying


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## MarkTwain

GA2009-

The problem is, you seem to be disgusted with his sexuality, even on a good day. Is that a fair comment?


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## MarkTwain

Mr B said:


> It's important to understand that so-called "sex addiction" is not an official diagnosis recognized by the American Psychiatric Association.


And in this capacity, are they any more knowledgeable?


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## T.O.girl

GA2009 said:


> As for now, he has told me that he quit the porn and so I have been trying to fix our relationship by sleeping with him at least part of the night, and being intimate at lest once a week.


wow i don't know how u do that, u are very strong...

i think you have to protect yourself and your daughters, there's nothing you can do to cure a sex addict in denial


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## GAsoccerman

penis and masturbates can we not typw out these words on here?


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## GAsoccerman

Hmmm we can, ok I know some words are blocked....

the more I read this thread, the stranger it gets....

So what does your priest have to say about this? Have you discussed this with any of your church members or group?


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## GA2009

Sorry...I couldn't continue my posting, my computer was dying.

MT i am not disgusted with his sexuality, in fact now that our children are older and in college we have more time for us, this is the time when we could reconnect, but the fact that he looks at our daughter's with man like eyes, I don't like. If you have any daughters you would understand what i mean.

He said the reason he doesn't feel so close is not because of the sex addiction but more because we argue about this things, that to him are all nonesense.

The porn was all my fault because I didn't pay any attention to him, and... he denies checking out women when we go out as well as looking at our daughters that way. He says I am to possesive and jealous, and that all man look at women.

Well, it is natural to glance when you see someone attractive but to sit there and do googoo eyes at women it is disrespectful, specially in front of your wife. I don't care how attractive you are it will start to hurt your confidence.

My husband's solution to this problem is ignore those problems and don't talk about them and they will go away, in other words if you act as if everything is dandy, everything will eventually will be. Besides he says I make all thes things up to make our life interesting, and that he has never touched our daughters and he just want a normal relationship with them.

My husband was more like the party kind of guy when I met him, and I took him out of his pond sort of speak, I tried to take him to church and make him more of a family kind of guy. Him and his brother were both definetely party guys, played tennis, and had lots friend girls. 
He complains that I have tried to change him to much and that is why we have issues. He says you have to accept people as they are and not try to change them.

GAsoccerman I guess is ok. to type those words, I didn't want to offend anyone.

I have a question. When a men masturbates does he have no desire to be intimate with his wife...? 

Thanks for the replies.


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## GAsoccerman

You GA2009, I agree with your husband...you seem VERY Jealous and Very Possesive, you have your mind Wrapped around these thoughts.

Did you have simialar issues with your father or uncles or a an adult family member when you were a child?

He is right, you can not change him, sounds like you have the saviour complex, where you tried to "rescue him" and make him go the way of your church.....not going to happen.

My wife grew up going to catholic school all her life, including College, I am not religious person, But I never asked her to stop going and she is raising our children catholic, I even take them to their faith formation classes, I have no problem with my children learning their religion or my wife practicing it. But it's just not for me.

I am glad my wife is not a jealous woman or posseive, becuase I would surely get upset and push her away mentally. But we ahve a very healthy relationship. We watched the Oscars tonight, she Drools over Hughe Jackman (sp?) She also commented on Brad Pitt and a few other males at the show. I enjoyed Boyonce and Sara Jessica parkers dresses as well as the nice low cut of Angelina Jolie, and Jennifer anniston.

Life is to short to be jealous and possesive, I think you have some real deep hard core issuses here and I am actually surprised your hubby has stuck around this long.

I really think you need some serious counseling, becuase you constantly seem to say your hubby is a pervert and "wants" your daughters....Yet you don't want to ask them, or remove them, or arrest him....Sounds like it is all in your mind.

You pushed him away and would not allow him to have sex with you, you sleep with your children and not him. So he turns to porn and you think he is a pervert.....crazy....

As for your masturbation question...when I do it, it's usually about my wife. Normally it's when I can't have sex with har, she is sleeping, at work, etc. I usually think of her in situations she would never do in real life, like a threesome with me and a male friend, or her being naughty in some other fashion, something that she could never do in real life.....Have I thought about other women? In the past I have, pre-wife and pre marriage...90% about women I know....now for about the last 15 years it's always been my wife.....Becuase she is smoking hot.


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## broo

Your husband sounds like pornography has twisted his mind, and that he can't stop lusting after and objectifying women, even his daughters.

In the past I have looked at porn when I was sexually frustrated. It made it worse. It became difficult to interact with women (even a cashier) without imagining them engaged in a sex act. Lust can completely take over your mind and leave you in a complete fog. 
If you are in that frame of mind, it can be difficult to function in a normal way without leering. The good news is that once you stop, the leering fog completely wears off.

It is very disturbing that your husband is trying to grope your daughters or touch them at night. I would think that would be impossible for any but the most hardened sociopaths. I would install a hidden camera with night vision and let your daughter sleep alone to see if he goes in there. This is a big deal, and if he wants to molest his daughter while she sleeps you will need evidence to get custody. He may have even convinced himself that he is not hurting her if she is asleep, or if there is no sex act. It is legal and admissable in court to film security video in your own house. If he tries anything, you can call the police and have him in jail, and not worry about custody. 

Otherwise if you leave him, you will possibly be sending your daughter unprotected into the lion's den. If his compulsion is to molest her without her knowledge, then it is very possible he may drug her or do other things so that she will never know. It is also possible that he may drug you while you are still in the house. Get a camera. It may even put your mind at ease, if you find he's not trying anything.

As far as night time erections go, all men have them every night. When they do medical exams for erectile dysfunction, it involves a sleep test, because all men get full erections during sleep, unless there is a medical problem. So I would immediately discount that. 

If you can get him to wake up out of his stupor that is the best. He may be incapable of enjoying normal sex at this point if he has been heavy into porn this long. 

If you can verify that he isn't going to try anything with your daughter, separate from him. That may be the rock bottom he needs to get help. Otherwise, get proof of it, and protect your daughter by putting him behind bars and getting a restraining order so that he can't come near your daughter ever again.


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## GA2009

Broo! you are right about so many things.

The pornography has twisted his mind. My husband is not the same person anymore, he doesn't make sense anymore in anything he says. His behavior towards our daughters is wrong and he knows it, and that is why when i tell him what he is doing is wrong he gets so mad. He gets angry and denies it and tells me that he knows his limitations and he is not going to hurt our daughters.

I really don't know how far he has gone with our younger daughter but I know that he has no control on this addiction of his, and that if he doesn't get it treated he is going to hurt our 11 y.o daughter one day. This is a scary thought, and the reason I have stayed is because I know I married a good man w/out all these weird personality trades. The porn turn him into this. He objectifies evey woman he sees.

Something that you said about how you were fantasizing even with the cashiers at the store. Well... that really got to me, because my husband looks at the casheirs at the store that way... and he does strange things like for example he tries to pretend to bump into women when we are at the store, so that he can touch them, it is really wierd he nerver used to do that, and his expression tells me he gets a thrill out of that. It is kind of creepy! Because I have heard about creeps that do that with women.

He also loves to get attention from women, when we go out in public. He goes out if his way to get attention and be noticed by any women. He used to be an attractive man when I first met him and he has gained alot of weight about 100 lbs, he says is because, he quit smoking. So lately things have gotten worse because he is constantly trying to get more attention from women, but he is not getting it, and it bothers him. But...doesn't he understand that doing that hurts my feelings and our relationship as well?

I have read everywhere that after you stop the porn you still need help and I have told my husband that, and he says he doesn't need help, and he can do it on his own. I think not! especially because I know he has done it through our entire marriage. He even admited it today, that he has been lusting and leering since before we got married and looked at porn as well. Yet he doesn't want help?

When he goes to the counselor he doesn't go to talk about his issues, becasue the man is a Pshychotherapist with specialty in issues of men such as porn addiction and masturbation etc. he could help him alot, but when he goes over there all he does is to deny deny and deny that he has any problems, instead he talks about me and how I put filters on his computer and don't alow him to be alone with our daughter and complains, complains...the counselor told him last time, you complain alot so if you are that unhappy why are you still here?

He didn't tell me what he answered him. Instead he told me today, he is really not liking this counselor that much any more because he asked him that and also because he told him to seach for God and look outside himself.

I thought that was good, but my hysband didn't like it one bit.


I have a question for anyone dealing with porn addiction, do people need help after they quit looking, in trying to get back to having a normal relationship with family or people outside the family? and...also, can a person go back to being normal again? Will my husband ever treat our daughters normal again? or will I have to continue watching him around our daughters??

GAsoccerman, I am glad that your wife is opened minded, I read your other posts and it sounds as if you have a very opened realtionship with her and she doesn't mind you flirting with other women. Hey, if she is okay with it, then good for you. Still you are very quick to judge me, yet you have no idea the kind of man my husband has become due to the porn addiction.

BTW... I don't mind if my husband watches the academy awards, he finds the celebrities really shallow at least that is what he says. He would rather watch the sci-fi channel, there is alot of hot women there...

Thanks for the replies.


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## marina72

are these his step daughters, or biological? I know , it doesn't matter if he's molesting a child, he is, and it's wrong either way. But I was just curious, as to whether or not these are his blood children, thinking that maybe it is even More likely that he's doing something inappropriate if they are step children. this is all too common, and I have to say, if you truly think something untoward , or sick is going on, and your girls are being touched inappropriately, or molested.... then you need to get out, Now... 

Also, I have an 11 year old daughter, and although that is young, they are not totally clueless, they have enough sense to know if someone is touching them or not. Ask your daughter, you owe it to her, it's not about you being embarrassed, or not wanting to stir up trouble, but if this is going on, you Must ask her. 
You must tell her she can confide in you, and tell you Anything... and that it is absolutely Not her fault. I have heard that what molesters do, is convince the child that if they tell, something bad will happen to either themselves, or their family.... 

You have said you're pretty sure he's having inappropriate feelings, sexual desires and singling out your girls, so why are you still there? 

You have to confirm that this is truly going on, by talking to the girls, and then eventually him... 

Even taking your daughter to the doctor, to make sure she's not been compromised, and is okay, might be an option. But certainly you'd want to ask her about this, and him , first.

As a mom, even I have told my daughter, when she spends the night at a friends house, and inevitably there is the Father of the friend, and sometimes brothers of the friend... I have told her, that if anyone ever did anything that made her feel uncomfortable, or ever touched her in a place, or way that was inappropriate, or made her feel like something bad was going on, that she should call me, and I'd come get her, and that it would be something that she could always tell me..... Mind you, not planting ideas inher head,,, rather,just letting her know, that her Dad and I arehere for her, if she should ever be in a situation that makes her feel uncomfortable. She knows what appropriate, and inappropriate touching is. I think this is such a common issue these days, goes on more than people know, that you cannot afford not to talk about it with your kids, if you are going to let them alone with a step-parent, or at a friends house, or even with biological parents.... people do sick things..... 

You must get her help if this is happening to her. there is no staying in a marriage where one parent is molesting the children....


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## GA2009

Marina,you ask if they are his daughters??

Yes, they are. He is their biological father.

I think my husband is confused because, I would have never thought of him doing anything like this. However, I have heard of brothers and uncles molesting their sibling and nieces bu, I don't know how common it is.

I have tried to talk to my daughter about sex and everything related to that, but she doesn't like to talk about it.
My other daughter is 21 now and is in college does not live with us. She says she never remembers him doing anything to her but she says, she doesn't like to be alone with him, she doesn't feel comfortable.

My daughters are both beatiful girls but it is not a excuse for a father to go after their daughters. I haven't taken my daughter to get her checked with GYN, I could do that. 

The reason I don't leave is because my husband says that he is not a bad man and he would never hurt his children and that I have to understand that. Which off course makes me question myself.


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## marina72

I feel so badly for you. You sound like you are so confused, I would be too. But, if you say , as you have in your posts, that you are fairly sure your husband is behaving inappropriately toward your younger daugther, then you really can't stay in a situation like that.
As for your husband telling you he'd never do that, that's not a huge surprise, no man would admit to that, not to his wife, or anyone else, people that molest, never openly admit it to people that they are close to. Why would he? He will continue to lie about it, and if you really feel it's going on, then you've got to do something about it.

If you feel you might be mistaken, and are reading into something into it that isn't there, then keep a close watch and see what happens....although I have to say, I don't know how you can read anything other than pure sickness into something like a father rubbing his groin up against his own daughter, 

If he truly has done that, and you've Seen him touching, or rubbing on your 11 year old daughter, then that's molestation... pure and simple. It's not normal, it is not right, and it's also illegal. 

He knows that if he's caught he could get in a lot of trouble, so of course he's going to tell you that he'd never do something like that. 

Look, I am not there , and I don't know if he's truly doing that or not, but you have expressed many many concerns on this forum, that he might be molesting your child... IF he is, then she will suffer life long damage... and you Have to get her out of there... so either way, you must find out for sure, if he's doing this. 

Plus, you've said anyway, that his sex addiction is ruining your marriage. So, having said all that. It's time for some serious counseling for this guy, and both of you as a couple, and also you need to take your daughter to a professional therapist, to see if they can assertain as to whether or not his relationship with her, is appropriate. But to tell you the truth, if this was me,,, and I saw my husband touching, rubbing, or looking at my 11 year old daughter, like she's a sexual object..... I wouldn't even have to ask him , and I wouldn't have to hear it from my child's lips. If you've seen it happen, then , assume it's happening. This is my best advice, I hope you can figure out what to do. But don't let an innocent child get lost in this. Your daughter's health and sanity is ultimately more important, than staying with a sex addict.

Good luck, and God bless you and yours


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## StillStanding

Where to begin...

After reading all three pages here TWICE, I truly think that *your *addiction to reading up on what you believe is your husbands sexual addiction has given you reasons to look for things that dont exsist or justify what comes off as extreme insecurities. You cant seem to even breathe without "seeing" him lusting or objectifying every woman that comes into his line of sight...EVERY WOMAN. This really does sound like paranoia on your part.
*Paranoia is a thought process characterized by excessive anxiety or fear, often to the point of irrationality and delusion*

You say you have seen your husband rub himself up against your eleven year old daughter. Did you really? Or are you "watching" your husband so closey because of your addicition to reading up on sexual addiction that you are scrutinizing every little thing he does and says? 

You say you have had these feelings that his relationship with your eleven year old daughter has been inappropiate since she was six. If this has been going on for FIVE YEARS why havent you taken you daughter to be examined, or talk to? Why are you still trying to maintain a relationship with a man you believe is a child predator/molestor? This makes zero sense.

As a survivor of seven years of child molestation until the age of ten its disheartning that you feel strong enough to make these allegations against your husband via the internet but not strong enough about them to go to the police or have a rape kit done on your daughter. 

As far porn additiction goes am I the only person who just happens to notice the correlation between the porn addiction and a lack of sex or rejection from the partner? Its almost like Im not going to do it with you and I dare you to do it without me. Why is the only option for a man is no option?

Frankly, I think you are still very angry, hurt, betrayed, and obessive about your husband sexual addiction that you are causing yourself to be insecure, irrational, and that you are intentionally sabatoging your husbands relationship with your children. However, I think its more about the fact you felt that you raised your children solo while he was pleasuring himself, than the porn addiction alone.


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## StillStanding

According to several sex addicts sites, I am a sex addict because I answered yes to more than one question. Also many of these sites go on to say how looking at porn can turn you into a rapist and/or a serial killer.

I am not making light of this, I am just trying to get others to see how easily it is for anyone to be labeled in this manner with the yes or no format being so black and white. 

*Were you sexually abused as a child or adolescent? *

Did your parents have trouble with sexual behavior?

*Do you often find yourself preoccupied with sexual thought*

Has your sexual behavior ever created problems for you and your family? 

Has anyone been hurt *emotionally *because of your sexual behavior? 

*Are any of your sexual activities against the law? *

Is sex almost all you think about? 

*Has sex (or romantic fantasies) been a way for you to escape your problems? 
*
Have you purchased services online for erotic purposes (sites for dating, pornography, fantasy and friend finder)? 

Have you subscribed to or regularly purchased or rented sexually explicit materials (magazines, videos, books or online pornography)? 

Have you spent considerable time and money on strip clubs, *adult bookstores *and movie houses? 

Have you regularly purchased *romantic novels *or sexually explicit magazines? 

Have stayed in romantic relationships after they became *emotionally* or physically abusive? 

After sexually acting out, do you sometimes *refrain from all sex for a significant period? *


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## GA2009

To stillstanding.

It took me a long time to confront my husband about the feelings I had of him coming in the room at night when I was sleeping with our daughter, because he always found an excuse for being there. Plus this is a very serious accusation.

Also, how can you know what a man with a sex addiction thinks like, according to you anybody can be labeled as a sex addict, so you wouldn't know what the thought process of a sex addicted person is like.

The reason I have stayed is because I didn't marry that type of person, I married a normal man, that is now very confused by his addiction to porn and lust etc. He continuall promise me that he is getting better and that he has hopes that we will get back to normal but that I have to trust him. I am sorry trust is something you gain back through actions you don't just demand it.

He looks at our daughters that way because as the Psychotherapist said. A sex addiction is an addiction like any other addiction and he has no control over it and the partner has no control over it. So he does it as something he has always done and he doesn't even notice doing it anymore, after all he looks at all women that way as well. The only thing that I can do is get him to accept help and that is what I have been trying to get him to do, mainly because I know that deep inside he is a good man with an addiction. 

I think he is in denial, but I have hope that he will accept some help soon.

In the meantime I sleep with my daughter to protect her.


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## marina72

"He looks at our daughters that way because as the Psychotherapist said. A sex addiction is an addiction like any other addiction and he has no control over it and the partner has no control over it. "

"In the meantime I sleep with my daughter to protect her"

I am only trying to help you, so please take what I say as it is meant, as help and advice only.

If you read your words above , in quotes. You have pretty much said, that this is going on. You have said that he is a sex addict and that he is singling out your child, his own daughter. Now, since you admit addicts, and the therapist says, that addicts cannot control themselves, and you say you are sleeping with your daughter to "protect" her.... and that youv'e seen your husband doing very inappropriate things to her. 

Why are you still there? I can't understand this. It's not like you have said that he's not an addict, and that you are not sure he's after your daughter. It sounds from your posts,that you are fairly sure that he's making inappropriate gestures and perhaps even touching your child. This is molestation GA2009. It's not you reading in, it is not you overreacting.... if you have seen him do these things, and you have hard enough suspsiciions. And you've been told by his therapist that this is not unusual for a sex addict like him to do.... and you're scared enough to make your daughter sleep with you. this is not just a small marital problem , or an issue that can be resolved with a little hard work. 

If what you are saying is true, then he's a very sick man. And yes, maybe it's not his fault and maybe it is not something that he can control, but that does not change the fact, that you should be taking your child, and getting out fast , if this stuff is going on.

I am not inferring, or implying, or assuming... I am going based off what You have said. So, if what you are posting, is true, and I've read all your posts,,,, then, why in God's name are you still there? I don't understand it. 

As for your daughter telling you nothing has happened to her, this is Classic , textbook,,,, it's so common for kids that are molested to not admit what is going on. They feel shame, guilt, like maybe they did something to cause it, they feel fear, that they will tear apart a family if they tell, or that they'll get their molester in trouble..... Your own 21 daughter said " she does not feel comfortable being alone with him" 

This is not normal. No girl would say that about her own Father, unless something untoward had happened, or was happening. She might very well be minimizing,because she does not want to admit, anything that might shame her. There is no way to know, if she won't admit it, then she wont'...

But since all these really apparant signs, and symptoms of sexual abuse are there, and he's a sex addict, and is visually making inappropriate gestures and obsessing over your daughter.... I can't believe you're still there.

I understand you say you married a normal man, and I can't speak as to whether he's always been that way, or something triggered it. It has been my understanding that people who molest children are just that, molesters, and that no amount of porn , could make a man want to have sexual relations with his child. But, I suppose porn could very well aggravate someone who is already predisposed to be a sex addict.

I understand you don't want to lose your marriage, but really, what kind of marriage is it? You are living with a sex addict, by your own admission, and physically having to guard your daugher every night, perhaps you need to leave, and maybe resume your marriage if he ever gets help and stops targeting your children?

If would be my inclination to not ever keep my child in a situation like that. I am only telling you what I would do. If my husband began acting like this, I'd take my kids and leave, without so much as a second thought..... this is not an extramarital affair, or arguing about finances, or not giving each other enough attention, or nagging... things that married people can work through. this is a possible , and according to you, Likely case of child molestation, and at the very least, a severe sex addict for a spouse.

It's your responsibility to leave, that is my take on it. I'm not suggesting you abandon your husband, if he needs help, then he does.... but he must get that help, without being around your children....


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## StillStanding

GA2009 said:


> To stillstanding.
> 
> It took me a long time to confront my husband about the feelings I had of him coming in the room at night when I was sleeping with our daughter, because he always found an excuse for being there. Plus this is a very serious accusation.
> 
> Also, how can you know what a man with a sex addiction thinks like, according to you anybody can be labeled as a sex addict, so you wouldn't know what the thought process of a sex addicted person is like.
> 
> The reason I have stayed is because I didn't marry that type of person, I married a normal man, that is now very confused by his addiction to porn and lust etc. He continuall promise me that he is getting better and that he has hopes that we will get back to normal but that I have to trust him. I am sorry trust is something you gain back through actions you don't just demand it.
> 
> He looks at our daughters that way because as the Psychotherapist said. A sex addiction is an addiction like any other addiction and he has no control over it and the partner has no control over it. So he does it as something he has always done and he doesn't even notice doing it anymore, after all he looks at all women that way as well. The only thing that I can do is get him to accept help and that is what I have been trying to get him to do, mainly because I know that deep inside he is a good man with an addiction.
> 
> I think he is in denial, but I have hope that he will accept some help soon.
> 
> In the meantime I sleep with my daughter to protect her.


One, I of all people understand how serious the accusation can be and am all so well aware of the phycological affects of the reality of it down the road.

Two, I didnt crate a list of what I thought sex addicts thought like, that information came from several sex addicts websites and again my point was how easy it is to throw that label on anyone and began searching out evidence to prove it to be true.

So did you tell psychotherapist that you believed you seen your husband rub himself against his daughter or did you only mention that you think he is looking at them in a manner which you believe is in appropiate? Im trying to figure out how a physotherapist can overlook or justify sexual abuse. Im more concerned as to how you can overlook and justify it, when you believe thats what you saw. It seems you are much more concerned about saving your marriage than your daughter that you believe is in danger.

Im going to go against the grain and say that your husband is/has not molesting/ed your daughters.

I think the moment the words sex addiction came out, the anger, hurt, betrayal, and disappointment may have resurfaced for several of the women who responded to this thread. I understand that and I respect it. However it seems that what was overlooked was how GA2009 is spending so much time "catching" her husband lusting after EVERY woman he comes in to contact to. 
GA2009, you mentioned how your husband is missing out out he word at church because he is objectifying every woman in the room. How is it possible that you are hearing any of the scripture yourself if your so busy keeping track of everything in his line of vision. 
So he is objectifying women at church, in public, at home every woman that enters his line of eyesight...every woman but you? 

*"A sex addiction is an addiction like any other addiction and he has no control over it and the partner has no control over it. So he does it as something he has always done and he doesn't even notice doing it anymore, after all he looks at all women that way as well."* He has no control of it until it pertains to you... 

You just wrote that trust is not something you demand but earn, yet on your first page you mentioned how you demanded that your husband quit his job because you thought he was flirting with his boss. You have placed parental locks on the television in your home and you are throwing out material that you think will trigger his desires. All of this sounds like demanded trust and insecurity.

You seem to have become addicted to placing your husband under constant survelliance and scrutiny. How is this any different then his addiction? 

Its amazing that four posts into this thread, this man has been labeled as a sex addict, and then a child molestor. There are two people in this marriage yet it has been overall determined that it must be him. So far only the men and myself have even possibly entertained the notion that there is more than what meets the eye here.


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## marina72

That is not really true, I am a woman, and I pointed out in one of my first posts, that if she is certain that this is going on, then there is not excuse for being there, but that if she is thinking she might be reading into things, that she should do further investigating. Really as posters, all we can do is read, and interpret. And when someone says that their husband is rubbing his crotch, or groin, on his own daughters.... that's fairly obvious. As for myself, I only pointed out that she seems to be worried that her daughter is being abused, so worried that she is sleeping in her room to protect her. Now, I spose there is a chance that she is making all this up, people do stuff like that, and since it's an anonymous type site, the only true way to know, would be for all of us to be there, like a fly on the wall. But, as for advice, I went based on the assumption that what she is typing and what I'm reading is accurate, and that she's being honest. And I say it's better to err on the side of an innocent child, than a man who is supposedly a sex addict. 

I see your points though, and if she is imagining all of this, then she needs to not be making those types of accusations. but that is the very point, She Is making those accusations. And unless she's flat out lying.... this child, is in danger, and that's not a subject to take lightly. So , I just told her what I personally would do. I know you probly didn't mean it to sound bad, but I as a woman, and someone with common sense, take offense at the notion that I might only be saying what I am, because I am a woman. the whole post was not , a kid is being molested and it might be the mom or dad..... it is this woman who got on here, looking for help, and we were only trying our best to give her some advice, just as you and anyone else did. 

I never accused anyone, I pointed out many many times, that she is the one saying these things, and that if they are true, then she should get out. It's not a blame game, it's common sense and protecting a child. 

She goes back and forth, and the only thing one can accertain from reading is that something is not right with the husband nad his kids... so , I went based on that. No doubt, this is a sticky situation. It's a hard one to call, and undoubtedly, with a site like this, there is always a side of the story that is not told, and also always stuff people leave out... but that is true of every post on here I'd say.... whether it deals with infidelity, drugs, molestation, finances. We always only get one side of the story, since unequivocally only one of the spouses, is writing. This is a hard one indeed. 
And I'm sorry if you felt that all the supposed women on this site, were gainging up on sex addicts or child molesters, or this man in general. that was definitely not my intention, but I can only speak for myself. You just seem very bitter and angry about it. I was only giving advice based on what I read, and it's nothing personal to anyone or anything. I only wanted to address you personally so you'd know I dont' hold anything persoanl against men, or this guy that she's talking about, I really am simply only trying to help her. And I can't base my advice on anything except what she says, and she said some pretty disturbing things, that she's witnessed her husband do to her child.... so , I took that at face value.


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## StillStanding

*Really as posters, all we can do is read, and interpret. And when someone says that their husband is rubbing his crotch, or groin, on his own daughters.... that's fairly obvious* I understand what you are saying. I just feared that many people were not reading past that point, her reactions to his alleged actions dont really say "protecting".

*I see your points though, and if she is imagining all of this, then she needs to not be making those types of accusations. but that is the very point, She Is making those accusations. And unless she's flat out lying.... this child, is in danger, and that's not a subject to take lightly.* Im not accusing her of lying, I am just asking if she is sure that she seen the incidents take place and that she isnt scrutinizing what she saw because of what she has been reading up on about sex addicts. Also, if this is all irrational thoughts on her part, then her child is still in danger because she is emotional abusing her child and sabatoging her husbands relationship with his daughter (as he suggested.) 

*So , I just told her what I personally would do. I know you probly didn't mean it to sound bad, but I as a woman, and someone with common sense, take offense at the notion that I might only be saying what I am, because I am a woman.* That was not what I wrote, I said:*I think the moment the words sex addiction came out, the anger, hurt, betrayal, and disappointment may have resurfaced for several of the women who responded to this thread.* Several is not inclusive in all, just more than one.

*And I'm sorry if you felt that all the supposed women on this site, were gainging up on sex addicts or child molesters, or this man in general.* Again, this was not what I said...*Its amazing that four posts into this thread, this man has been labeled as a sex addict, and then a child molestor.*

Bitter? Angry? No, not in the slightest. I just am astounded that very few have entertained the notion that she could very well be so addicted to the research of this sex addiction, that she may have become parinoid and irrational.
I have survived sexual abuse and I very much understand how serious this situation may be, trust me I do. 
However, I cannot tell you how many countless group counseling sessions, all girls camps for victims, and talking to everyday women in general where many of the girls/women admitted that there was never any sexual abuse but their one of their parents had spent a significant amount of time trying to trigger false memories for various reasons. Some women do this when they have experienced sexual abuse themselves yet, never told anyone or when they did were ignored. 
I also know a few male friends and a female friend who had all been falsely accused of sexual abuse, the damage that is done their and the time they have been isolated from their children is heartbreaking.

I have an eleven year old stepdaughter whom I love dearly. If I seen any of what had been described in the OP's posts, my concern would be for her well being above everything, not analyzing my boyfriends addiction. 
GA2009 priorites seem to be more on fixing her marriage, not on the safety of the youngest daughter. Just perplexs me, thats all.


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## marina72

You were so right when you said:

"I have an eleven year old stepdaughter whom I love dearly. If I seen any of what had been described in the OP's posts, my concern would be for her well being above everything, not analyzing my boyfriends addiction. 
GA2009 priorites seem to be more on fixing her marriage, not on the safety of the youngest daughter. Just perplexs me, thats all. "

Yes I Totally agree with you on this point, this is really strange... I actually even said to her that if she really thought that her child was in danger, that I couldn't understand why she was still there, and that the marriage is not as important as protecting her daughter. I can't understand it either..... It is all very strange. I just hope they can work it out, for the kids sake.


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## MarkTwain

I go out of my way not to take sides on this site.

It may be that your hubby is guilty, it may not.



GA2009 said:


> In the meantime I sleep with my daughter to protect her.


However, how healthy would the above look to an outsider?


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## GA2009

MT this answer is for you.

What are my options?

Leaving will leave my husband opened to hurt our daughter because I have no evidence. Healthy or not.


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## GA2009

That answer also applies to the other post. I know that leaving is the most obvious thing to do but my husband will get parental rights. I thought that if he could get help then I could wait until she is old enough to go to college and I could live in peace.

As it stands, things aren't looking good, my husband has an anger problem and screams so loud the entire neighborhood can hear him. The kids are always scare when we argue. Even though the houses are pretty far apart. He said today he is not going to give up that easy, because we argued about the filter for his computer, he hates it and he wants it off, he said I have to trust him.


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## marina72

I understand your dilema Ga2009, and I'm so sorry you're in this situation, I know it's hard to know what is the right path... maybe you can ask a higher power, and find your answer? If that's not something you do, then you will have to think, long, and hard, and really try hard, to figure out what is best. Above all, nothing is more imporant when you feel your child might be in danger... Nothing... I am thinking of you. Take care.


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## MarkTwain

GA2009 said:


> MT this answer is for you.
> 
> What are my options?
> 
> Leaving will leave my husband opened to hurt our daughter because I have no evidence. Healthy or not.


Assuming your husband is not criminally insane...
The quickest route is to remember that "Perfect love casts out all fear". So maybe working on your marriage and opening a genuine dialogue with your husband could be the way to go.

It is impossible to tell the level of your husband's problem simply by reading your posts. If your fears persist you should call in the professionals.


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## GA2009

Hello Mark,

"Perfect love casts out all fear". 

I think this is what I have been trying to do. Because perfect love casts out all fear. I need to remember this sentence to help me with my moments of anxiety, and when I see no solution to this problem. Thanks Mark. 

Marina, thanks so much you are very thoughtful and I believe in God and I think that is what has kept us together for 24 years, because even tough my husband is not very spiritual, with my example and my desire to succeed in our relationship we have stayed together.

His brother had 3 marriages, and my husband and I both agreed that he just needed someone that loved him and his first two wives were very into parties and drugs etc...his last wife was a nice woman who helped him so much and he changed into a completely differnt man. He became very mature and he was involved with his kids and nicer and he quit smoking and his drug addiction that he quit. So I know that my husband can find himself and be a good man.


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## Anna1974

I agree with you guys. I know full well what a online sex addict does to a relationship. I went thru everything that you all described so i will not be repettitive. But the flip side to my story is that he did recognize his addiction and went to counceling for it. We also went together many times and it did help me understand what an addiction does to a persons brain and how it affects everyone around us. He has made huge inprovements over the last two years and our relationship is strong as ever. I will always have a eye on him but i know he is going to be fine with counseling and support from me and some family members who know. We can let addicion of any kind win out. If we did there would not be many of us left.
Much love and well wishes!


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