# Are my requests unreasonable?



## Harford (Aug 10, 2011)

Been married for over 16 years. Sex frequency is good, but fairly routine. Same stuff. Same progression.
I want to spice things up and throw in some variety to the routine. Wife is open to some but not others.
For instance, 69 is no problem. She watches porn with me. That's good and spicy, right.
Well, I have a few requests that just aren't happening...
1) talking dirty. Love it. Want it. Nothing outrageous, just a little taboo talking.
2) oral sex in some different position like standing, or in a chair, just something to allow better visual. She says it makes her feel submissive to do,this.

I don't see these requests to be outrageous. I'm not asking for anal, s and m, cumming on her, bondage, or 3 somes.

My problem is that she is controlling the variety of our sex life. I feel like my desires are being ignored.

On the one hand I shouldn't complain because I'm getting sex, but on the other, I feel like my desires don't count.

Am I being unreasonable?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

No.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

These requests are not outrageous at all.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

One of them is: if she says kneeling etc. makes her feel submissive, listen to her on that one. If you become insistent, it could mean the end of BJ altogether. 

She can easily make eye contact laying down; I'm not sure what is the issue with not having eye contact there.

Edit: With _you_ laying down is what I meant. *more coffee*


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

TikiKeen said:


> One of them is: if she says kneeling etc. makes her feel submissive, listen to her on that one. If you become insistent, it could mean the end of BJ altogether.
> 
> She can easily make eye contact laying down; I'm not sure what is the issue with not having eye contact there.
> 
> Edit: With _you_ laying down is what I meant. *more coffee*


How is it going to kill someone to kneel for just a little while?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Harford said:


> Been married for over 16 years. Sex frequency is good, but fairly routine. Same stuff. Same progression.
> I want to spice things up and throw in some variety to the routine. Wife is open to some but not others.
> For instance, 69 is no problem. She watches porn with me. That's good and spicy, right.
> Well, I have a few requests that just aren't happening...
> ...


Are you finding through the sex and the routine which you are "allowed" to work from that she is never in a submissive or less controlling position?


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

Harford said:


> Been married for over 16 years. Sex frequency is good, but fairly routine. Same stuff. Same progression.
> I want to spice things up and throw in some variety to the routine. Wife is open to some but not others.
> For instance, 69 is no problem. She watches porn with me. That's good and spicy, right.
> Well, I have a few requests that just aren't happening...
> ...


The talking dirty, I can relate to. My last girlfriend wanted me to do this but I was having trouble expressing myself where it was even comfortable. She wanted feedback during sex, so she would ask me how it felt and so on...all I ever came up with were comments like, "great, fantastic, excellent, awesome, amazing, outstanding and wow!" These were not what she was looking for and usually caused her to laugh because they were corny sounding during the act of it all.
I don't know if she was wanting the whole porn scene where she wanted me to say "Oh, yeah baby, &^$%##* me harder...right there, that's the spot!" :rofl:


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Harford said:


> Been married for over 16 years. Sex frequency is good, but fairly routine. Same stuff. Same progression.
> I want to spice things up and throw in some variety to the routine. Wife is open to some but not others.
> For instance, 69 is no problem. She watches porn with me. That's good and spicy, right.
> Well, I have a few requests that just aren't happening...
> ...


I don't think your requests are unreasonable. What is unreasonable is the lack of discussion and discovery.

So, your wife thinks being submissive is a bad thing. Being sexually submissive doesn't make a woman submissive. Being sexually submissive here or there doesn't make a woman sexually submissive. You wife lacks understanding about the wife variety of sexual expression and she is resistant to examine them because she has this image in her head of what she is SUPPOSED to think, feel and do, in order to match the image of competent, independent, strength. And why does she think playing at being submissive is a bad thing? Discuss this with her. Find out her deeper feelings and preconceived notions, the image of supposed to and should...when it comes to sex "supposed to and should" need to exit the building.

But what if kneeling at your feet just doesn't turn her on? Well, that's okay too. We all do things for others to make them feel god and our pleasure is in making them feel good. Getting a back scratch feels great, but not to the person scratching. But they do it anyway because it's nice to make people feel good.

Talking dirty is hard for me to do, simply because my brain shuts off and I can only make noises. But I can send dirty texts and write dirty passages and dirty stories. Some people don't know what talking dirty means and it is rather broad. Maybe start with having her send you suggestive texts, working you way to foul mouthed crude texts, then to outright dirty demands. Maybe the whole pie is too much but small slices at a time will work.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

It sounds to me like she is afraid of not being in control or of being dominated. I think in most sexual relationships, both partners are dominant or submissive at least some of the time, although to varying degrees. Have you ever asked her "why does it make you feel uncomfortable to be submissive?"


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

IndyTMI said:


> The talking dirty, I can relate to. My last girlfriend wanted me to do this but I was having trouble expressing myself where it was even comfortable. She wanted feedback during sex, so she would ask me how it felt and so on...all I ever came up with were comments like, "great, fantastic, excellent, awesome, amazing, outstanding and wow!" These were not what she was looking for and usually caused her to laugh because they were corny sounding during the act of it all.
> I don't know if she was wanting the whole porn scene where she wanted me to say "Oh, yeah baby, &^$%##* me harder...right there, that's the spot!" :rofl:


Yeah, pegging. The natural progression of things.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I guess I'm a little confused by who gets you decide what's unreasonable. Are people entitled to anything they want, and if spouse doesn't care for it they are unreasonable? I might ask myself how important these things are, esp given that you have what sounds like a decent sex life. Is it worth it to you knowing full well your wife may not enjoy it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> I guess I'm a little confused by who gets you decide what's unreasonable. Are people entitled to anything they want, and if spouse doesn't care for it they are unreasonable? I might ask myself how important these things are, esp given that you have what sounds like a decent sex life. Is it worth it to you knowing full well your wife may not enjoy it?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


People are entitled to express themselves and to be heard. And that is what OP might be missing. Maybe I am reading too much into his post, but if a married/committed couple freely express themselves and feel heard, the details, assuming each person has fully expressed themselves and felt heard, will work themselves out.

But sexuality is a huge grey mass of subterfuge, preconceived notions, and shame. Removing those will take care of everything else.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> People are entitled to express themselves and to be heard. And that is what OP might be missing. Maybe I am reading too much into his post, but if a married/committed couple freely express themselves and feel heard, the details, assuming each person has fully expressed themselves and felt heard, will work themselves out.
> 
> But sexuality is a huge grey mass of subterfuge, preconceived notions, and shame. Removing those will take care of everything else.


Agreed, it just seems to me the general attitude on this board is that spouse is entitled to whatever they want and however much they want it. There's a thread I posted on yesterday where the guy said they were having sex a couple of times a week and that wasn't enough, and everybody went crazy about his wife being selfish and not meeting his needs. WTH? What is reasonable? In this case he has been heard in that he's discussed it with her, but SHE isn't being heard as she has expressed to him how these things make her feel and what is his response? To get on here in order to poo poo her thoughts about it; why else would he be on here asking if he's reasonable? He asked, she responded, he didn't like the answer, and of course the TAM crowd is here to let him know that she's selfish and unreasonable. They have sex, he gets oral, she watches porn with him, but it's still not enough! I see very little discussion involving a balance of both partners wants and needs. I find this troubling. And let's not forget that were he to decide to walk because his "needs" weren't being met everyone would support it, but if she were to decide to walk because she felt his demands unreasonable she would be tagged a waw that must be having an affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

No, you're not being unreasonable. No, she's not being unreasonable. I agree with those who have said much more communication is in order. Or maybe you've had that communication but haven't told us.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Agreed, it just seems to me the general attitude on this board is that spouse is entitled to whatever they want and however much they want it. There's a thread I posted on yesterday where the guy said they were having sex a couple of times a week and that wasn't enough, and everybody went crazy about his wife being selfish and not meeting his needs. WTH? What is reasonable? In this case he has been heard in that he's discussed it with her, but SHE isn't being heard as she has expressed to him how these things make her feel and what is his response? To get on here in order to poo poo her thoughts about it; why else would he be on here asking if he's reasonable? He asked, she responded, he didn't like the answer, and of course the TAM crowd is here to let him know that she's selfish and unreasonable. They have sex, he gets oral, she watches porn with him, but it's still not enough! I see very little discussion involving a balance of both partners wants and needs. I find this troubling. And let's not forget that were he to decide to walk because his "needs" weren't being met everyone would support it, but if she were to decide to walk because she felt his demands unreasonable she would be tagged a waw that must be having an affair.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I certainly see your point. My STBXW complained to me that I sought out advice online and got the answers I was looking for, even though they were not the right ones to follow. She believes I wanted out of the marriage for a long time and just found those to support and reinforce my own thoughts.
While I truly don't believe that to be the case, as she has come up with any and every excuse possible to shift the blame from her to me, there are other factors that go into any particular scenario. In the one you described, there could be all sorts of reasons why a couple of times a week wasn't enough. If they have the time and the desire is there, why would the other partner turn them down? Did she put a sex governor on their relationship or there just simply wasn't any time? Time, I don't think can ever be used as an excuse, as I think if you truly love your spouse, you will make time for this one very important aspect of marriage.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Those requests are quite tame, actually. My wife is not a dirty talker, either, but when she does it once in a while I go insane. 

Lots of times, women are more vanilla at home than they would be away. Especially with the kids sleeping down the hall. 

When my wife and I go away alone, we get loaded and screw like animals. And she throws some wise ass lines at me when I ask for that at home like, 'that was there. We' re home now. 

Go to one of those couples places with the jacuzzis and pools in the room, get her hammered and plow away.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Harford said:


> 1) talking dirty. Love it. Want it. Nothing outrageous, just a little taboo talking.


Was she harshly punished as a child for using dirty words? Or is it very taboo in her family?


Harford said:


> 2) oral sex in some different position like standing, or in a chair, just something to allow better visual. She says it makes her feel submissive to do, this.


Do you give her oral sex in these positions? Have you ever kneeled to give her oral while she stands?

Kneeling in front of a person is a position of submission. That’s why it’s used as a way to acknowledge one person’s power over another. 

My take is that your wife does not feel 100% safe emotionally around you.


Harford said:


> My problem is that she is controlling the variety of our sex life. I feel like my desires are being ignored.


Let partner who wants less always is the one who controls the sex life.


Harford said:


> On the one hand I shouldn't complain because I'm getting sex, but on the other, I feel like my desires don't count.


She has hangups … do things to slowly move her towards what you want. Go in small steps.


Harford said:


> Am I being unreasonable?


no


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## Coach8 (Jun 17, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> I guess I'm a little confused by who gets you decide what's unreasonable. Are people entitled to anything they want, and if spouse doesn't care for it they are unreasonable? I might ask myself how important these things are, esp given that you have what sounds like a decent sex life. Is it worth it to you knowing full well your wife may not enjoy it?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would do things I woudn't enjoy if my wife was turned on by it. Vice versa, I expect her to step out of her comfort zone to please me sexually. It's part of being an unselfish lover, IMO.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

If you read some of the threads on this forum, you'll see a lot of guys posting threads that their sex lives are so bad that when they drop their pants, there's cob webs and crickets chirping in their crouch area because of the lack of activity. That being said, there's nothing wrong with upping the activities with your wife just as long as it's mutual.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

If she thinks it's unreasonable, then it's unreasonable.

It doesn't matter what I think. It doesn't matter what anyone here thinks. It only marginally matters what you think.

The sooner you come to grips with this reality, the less you'll fight about it in your marriage. Take it from someone whose wife has never consented to viewing pornography. Who has never allowed oral sex of any kind. Who would kick me out of the bedroom for talking dirty.

People are who they are. You can nibble around the edges, and try to convince her that she should expand her horizons. You may, with great patience, make some progress. But ultimately you have to leave her the self agency to decide what she will and will not do sexually.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

40isthenew20 said:


> Those requests are quite tame, actually. My wife is not a dirty talker, either, but when she does it once in a while I go insane.
> 
> Lots of times, women are more vanilla at home than they would be away. Especially with the kids sleeping down the hall.
> 
> ...


The problem is often concern about kids. Waking them or being overheard. 

Many men are better able to shut all other concerns out when sexually aroused. Many women find that hard to do, if at all. I had to work at it. It's probably an inherent gender difference. 

Try to pick up some time when the kids aren't home yet. Or take a weekend away. 

My first thought was that distractability or lack of it is gender- based so the OP should understand his wife. But in the spirit of being fair, she should understand him. So what to do. There is a point where you have to accept trade offs. 

You don't have to compromise in exactly the same area or on the same thing, do you? If I had to do line item compromises, I'd go nuts. I happy with the big picture and the challenge of good things to come. I don't scream like a banshee out of concern for my kids but, do I have to? I'm afraid to ask my husband if it's a problem. I may not like the answer. :=\
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Harford (Aug 10, 2011)

I think being concerned about the kids overhearing may be a concern.
As far as our communications goes, she just doesn't want to talk about it. I bring it up, but she gets offended that I say something to her about it. It's all black and white. Either she's a prude, or some kind of skank. Nothing in the middle.
Yes, I have given her oral in a submissive position, and have requested to do,it more often. I'm game for anything.
Honestly, our marriage is pretty good otherwise. I'd just like a little more variety...


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

The 'why' behind why she's uncomfortable is important here. If the answer is "just because", hold her accountable for following through on her denials.

I'll throw out my usual "she might be a sex assault/abuse survivor" line here as well. I wish the general public understood how under-reported are such things. A childhood of strict gender roles and strict religious upbringing often leaves devastating shame in its wake. I'm willing to bet that's why she refuses submissive oral. I assume she also won't opt for a more dominant position as well?

If ya can't talk about it, ya can't do it.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Harford said:


> I think being concerned about the kids overhearing may be a concern.
> As far as our communications goes, she just doesn't want to talk about it. I bring it up, but she gets offended that I say something to her about it. It's all black and white. Either she's a prude, or some kind of skank. Nothing in the middle.
> Yes, I have given her oral in a submissive position, and have requested to do,it more often. I'm game for anything.
> Honestly, our marriage is pretty good otherwise. I'd just like a little more variety...


Why do you think she gets defensive? Do you think she sees it as a complaint? How to say it without it seeming to be a complaint. 

I know this may make some posters angry but, maybe you should consider that it is not a question of asking too much. It may be that you seem to be unhappy with what you already have which by your own admission is good. That may be especially true if your request come off as complaints. 

Do you ever talk about the things that you are happy about? Do you communicate about your work, hopes, dreams and plans for the future? Do you talk about your kids? 

Do you act dissatisfied about this? Make time to talk about your dissatisfaction with sexual variety but withdraw, avoid or show lack of enthusiasm about subjects that concern her? 

Make sure you are giving her what you want her to give you. You want her to appreciate you and not to sweat the small stuff, right? Be sensitive and back off if you are not ready to talk about or do something, right? 

You want her to appreciate your hard work. You'd be affronted if she keep at you to make twice as much money as you make now, right?


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## Harford (Aug 10, 2011)

Good points Catherine.

She just seems uncomfortable talking about sex. She doesn't like sexting, which is odd because porn is ok.

One other thing. I am her first and only.

Abuse as a child is not a factor. Yeah I know anything is possible, but I didn't happen. Not possible.


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## jac70 (Sep 7, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> The problem is often concern about kids. Waking them or being overheard.
> 
> Many men are better able to shut all other concerns out when sexually aroused. Many women find that hard to do, if at all. I had to work at it. It's probably an inherent gender difference.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

What is reasonable and unreasonable to a person is subjective.

The audience of this particular board is comprised of those who have sexual issues within their marriage (there are also those who are sexually satisfied in their marriages, but a lot of us ended up here by doing a google search on our most problematic issue.)

Many people here have become confused by their sexual dynamic. If a wife tells a husband hes a pervert for wanting sex more than once per month, say, it wouldn't be unreasonable to ask the opinions of others - does this make me a pervert? Often we have been in our situations so long it seems perfectly normal.

I don't find it wrong to ask - is this reasonable - and also understand the subset of this board is mainly those who really like sex.

To the OP - no, I don't find your requests unreasonable.


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## Harford (Aug 10, 2011)

This is more than just sex. It's about mutual respect and meeting each other's needs and desires.
My wife wanted to stay home and be with our kids. Fine. That put a lot of stress on me and pushed me out of my comfort zone. That was what she wanted, and I went along.
So when I have a need or want, I think that it is unfair of her to not get a little out of her comfort zone to make it happen. Again, my question is about whether my requests are too much to ask of her. Plus it's not like she's isn't getting anything. It's sex! It takes 2 to tango.
I think that men need sex and feeling desired to get a sense of validation. I don't think my wife understands that. I almost feel like I'm the female in this because I want to be seduced, have lots of foreplay, and cuddle after. She likes sex, but it's more of an attitude of "let's go in the bedroom and get this over with." So then it's the same routine. She has the O, and it's on to the next activity. I'm taken care of too, but I'm left there thinking "is that all?"


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Did she like foreplay and cuddling before you had kids? How about when vacations without the kids, is she more relaxed then?

Children and their needs may take up her thoughts. Is she likely to read a relationship book? Might be better to approach the sex problem as a relationship issue. 

Show an interest in making the relationship as satisfying as possible for you as well as her. Back off from expressing dissatisfaction with sex. 

Are there other issues besides sex that concern you and your wife?


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## Harford (Aug 10, 2011)

Things are pretty much the same after kids as they were before. But I'd say she's less into cuddling and foreplay after kids, just not drastically so. 
I'm just trying to add variety and spice things up.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

On the face of it your requests don't seem unreasonable, but sex is a two way street, and asking her to do something that is going to ruin the experience for her is unreasonable.

Talking dirty - fun. I love it. But if she is self conscious or can't think of what to say it will just be awkward, she won't enjoy it and you probably won't either. Have you tried taking the lead and talking a bit dirty to her rather than asking her to talk dirty to you?

BJs in different positions - I don't get her objection to this so much. But, how about cutting out the request for kneeling down and perhaps suggest having her lie on the bed with you standing at the end. If she lies on her back and hangs her head off the end you will get a great view of her and will be able to fondle her head or breasts if you lean over. Using a chair - was your idea for you to be in the chair or for her? If you, then how about using an armchair? You sit in the chair but she does not kneel (seems she might have an issue with kneeling). Instead she leans over the arm of the chair to reach you, which is a perfect position for you to stroke her bottom or even deliver a slap or two if you dare to go that far.

When you watch porn, do you tell each other what you like? You can find some great artistic looking black and white porn pics and gifs on the likes of Tumblr. How about setting up your own Tumblr blogs and post stuff on there that appeals? You may find that she likes the look of some stuff that would spice things up that you hadn't even thought of.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

Jeez "doing that makes me feel submissive" is just a bs excuse...I just dont get that nonsense...submissive...really?? get a grip woman!


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

missthelove2013 said:


> Jeez "doing that makes me feel submissive" is just a bs excuse...I just dont get that nonsense...submissive...really?? get a grip woman!


When someone is in a dominance mindset they don't want to be in positions that put others above them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

missthelove2013 said:


> Jeez "doing that makes me feel submissive" is just a bs excuse...I just dont get that nonsense...submissive...really?? get a grip woman!


But that's the way she feels. It not the way you feel and that's good for you.

The worse thing a loving partner can do is to ridicule and discount a partners feelings. His wife is even less likely to consider any accommodations for him if he takes that attitude. 

I'd suggest he accept her statement without getting angry or demanding. The first thing he should have said is that he does not want to make her feel that way. Also, he is suggesting these new experiences for her as well as himself.

He wants them both to enjoy. It's supposed to be mutual. She may be more open to trying if she felt he was as likely to consider her feelings as his. 

She would trust him. If he is angry and dismissive then she needs to take care of her own feelings because he may not seem interested.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Harford said:


> It's all black and white. Either she's a prude, or some kind of skank. Nothing in the middle.
> .


Harford did she ever say she felt like a skank after saying or doing something? What did you say in response? 

If she said that, it may be important, . 

When she says she feels bad about something sexual, let her know that you don't want to make her feel that way. But don't back off like it is true. Suggest a few things that are mildly different. Make sure it's something that she will get as much pleasure as you. try not to make a heavy dissatisfied frustrated atmosphere about sex. 

It's seems as bad as a woman having dead fish sex. It would close me up and make me want to protect myself if I had to deal with that. Also, I would avoid talking about it if all the conversations were about what I was doing wrong. 

I was not very much fun sexually when I first got married. I have to give most of the credit to my husband for coaxing me out of my shell. 

Most of the time he was patient but persistent. not all of the time, that is too much to expect of a human. When I tried he did nit seem frustrated that there were some very funny no goes.


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## Lovesong (Nov 26, 2012)

Harford said:


> Been married for over 16 years. Sex frequency is good, but fairly routine. Same stuff. Same progression.
> I want to spice things up and throw in some variety to the routine. Wife is open to some but not others.
> For instance, 69 is no problem. She watches porn with me. That's good and spicy, right.
> Well, I have a few requests that just aren't happening...
> ...


I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Especially given the fact you're in a long term marriage/relationship. It should grow and evolve over time. Having said that, if she is uncomfortable with something then you'll have to explore her feelings around the issues with her. Do it gently. Let her talk about why she is uncomfortable. Likely, as another responder said, it has to do with her belief system about being a strong, I depends woman. I know. I am one. But... As another said, the politics of gender should be left at the bedroom door. Out in public, treat me with respect and like a lady. Bit behind closed doors then let's play ball. If you can listen to her feelings and beliefs about it then you may get somewhere. Generally, people just want to be heard. If you can open up and tell her why the things you want turn you on that may help too. But you'll have to dig deeper than, cuz it turns me on! If you can get deeper into your Carmel desires and express them with her, it may allow her to feel more empowered even in her knees! Talk, share your vulnerable side and you'll likely get it back in return. Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Harford (Aug 10, 2011)

UPDATE

So I talked with her about this. It was a bit of a heated discussion. Silence for a day or so. Then the playful sexts started rolling in. Photos that were highly suggestive. Then she hinted at something good. Made an awesome dinner, and took things to a whole other level sexually and she was the agressor. Awesome.

I guess communication is key. Now, how do we maintain this? I don't expect that every time, but as I've been saying, variety and spice is important to keep things from being stagnant...


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Harford said:


> UPDATE
> 
> So I talked with her about this. It was a bit of a heated discussion. Silence for a day or so. Then the playful sexts started rolling in. Photos that were highly suggestive. Then she hinted at something good. Made an awesome dinner, and took things to a whole other level sexually and she was the agressor. Awesome.
> 
> I guess communication is key. Now, how do we maintain this? I don't expect that every time, but as I've been saying, variety and spice is important to keep things from being stagnant...


She upped her game. Now you will have to as well. Time for some quid pro quo in whatever manner is important to her so she doesn't feel like the only one giving in the relationship.


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## Lovesong (Nov 26, 2012)

Cletus said:


> She upped her game. Now you will have to as well. Time for some quid pro quo in whatever manner is important to her so she doesn't feel like the only one giving in the relationship.


Exactly! I echo this sentiment. It is very important that she not feel like the only one having to rise to meet your challenge! Well done so far and lucky you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Coach8 (Jun 17, 2013)

Once you get on the same page, it makes everything so much better


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

treyvion said:


> How is it going to kill someone to kneel for just a little while?


That isnt the point. Someone expressed a concern out loud about feelings they have and you want to pick that particular point for debate?

Move on. Its not like there aren't 50 million other things on the sexual menu to pick from.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Harford said:


> UPDATE
> 
> So I talked with her about this. It was a bit of a heated discussion. Silence for a day or so. Then the playful sexts started rolling in. Photos that were highly suggestive. Then she hinted at something good. Made an awesome dinner, and took things to a whole other level sexually and she was the agressor. Awesome.
> 
> I guess communication is key. Now, how do we maintain this? I don't expect that every time, but as I've been saying, variety and spice is important to keep things from being stagnant...


Be careful this may be short lived. How to make this a new beginning and avoid what ever happened to interfere with your intimacy. Have you figured that out yet? I don't think It's communication. Something much more subtle and intangible. 

This is just from my point of view. I find that my attraction to my husband is strongest when he is being independent. When he is engaged in some all consuming male type activity (from my perspective) or he is acting cool towards me because I said or did something that he did not like. 

Do you have a hobby that you do with male friends that are not couple friends? Do you hang on her every word and mood? Do you get depressed when she is moody? 

If you are too "clingy" (her feelings) then you might fall back to square one. If so, work on your moods and don't give the appearance that she is the center of your universe. That would scare me. 

I think it would be better for you to be the anchor for her and your family. That means you have to be independent, have goals and plans and work towards them. Let her know what they are but make them things that you know you can accomplish. 

Anyway don't rest on this seeming success because it ain't over. You don't know what happened in the first place. Remember what you were like when you were dating? Your future wife was not so sure of you. Be a little mysterious.


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## wifey87 (Dec 15, 2012)

You are definitely not being unreasonable! I wish my husband would ask me for stuff like that I would do it in a heartbeat. Also 16 yrs yes you have to spice it up a bit and besides 16 yrs of being together she should know that you don't want her to be submissive to you. You just want some pleasure!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> ....But sexuality is a huge grey mass of subterfuge, preconceived notions, and shame. Removing those will take care of everything else.


That is a VERY true statement Anon Pink. You are a smart lady!


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

> and took things to a whole other level sexually and she was the agressor. Awesome.
> 
> I guess communication is key. Now, how do we maintain this?


But I thought you had an issue with her saying your BJ ideas were too submissive...and now her dominance is a good thing?

I'm confused. 

I'm not so sure it was "a talk" if there was silent treatment for two days. Who refused to talk? Her? What was your approach? I guarantee nothing kills my drive for H faster than a spat, especially one about sex. Gripe about what you're getting, and you're less likely to get any. Be encouraging and willing to take risks equal to the ones you're asking her to take, and I bet fireworks ensue. I could be that she thought about it and is taking the risk of doing these things, which is great. 

I keep coming back to wondering "How is two days of silence considered great communication?"


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Harford said:


> Been married for over 16 years. Sex frequency is good, but fairly routine. Same stuff. Same progression.
> I want to spice things up and throw in some variety to the routine. Wife is open to some but not others.
> For instance, 69 is no problem. She watches porn with me. That's good and spicy, right.
> Well, I have a few requests that just aren't happening...
> ...



Your wifee likes 69, and watches porn with you. Fantastic.:smthumbup:

Talking dirty I would love as well. Both our wives are similar in that regard. For some reason, mine doesn't talk dirty either. Maybe she is uneasy doing so? Maybe she feels its inappropriate?

I know if I asked for oral somewhere else in the house and not always on my back, she would pause for second, look surprised, but then she'd do it. Getting out of the routine and comfort zone is harder for some than others. I love change and my wife finds it difficult. Perhaps your sweetie is similar?

One time, she asked me, what do you want (sexually)? I said get on your knees and she did and gave me a BJ looking up at me. She had control and watched how I loved it. I think when trying new positions, she has to be comfy and have control, so she feels at ease. If she's not that comfortable, you have the control and she doesn't feel completely at ease, probably not going to happen.

She likes it when I take the initiate and be the aggressor but then when we are having sex, she has control in some cases, like oral sex. I don't grab her head and force myself deep in her. Instead, my hands are massaging her back and she has the control and is relaxed.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

Harford said:


> UPDATE
> 
> So I talked with her about this. It was a bit of a heated discussion. Silence for a day or so. Then the playful sexts started rolling in. Photos that were highly suggestive. Then she hinted at something good. Made an awesome dinner, and took things to a whole other level sexually and she was the agressor. Awesome.
> 
> I guess communication is key. Now, how do we maintain this? I don't expect that every time, but as I've been saying, variety and spice is important to keep things from being stagnant...


Communication about needs can only happen in an environment where trust is given and reciprocated. It's not enough to tell your partner, "your secret longings are safe with me, I won't reject or judge you, you can trust me". The partner has to believe this from the very core of their being. You appear to like the way things are heading and want to see more. When I want my wife to open up to being vulnerable, I always try to lead in the direction I want her to follow. For example, when I want her to tell me what turns her on sexually, I lead by telling her my sexual turn-ons. Then leave some space for her to fill. Everyone has hit on good points, there is sexual shame, there is fear of intimacy, and the need to slowly peel these layers back. I tell my wife I may not be willing to do everything you ask, but I will never judge you and never reject you. OK, sometimes I laugh curiously, but a lot of that is simple appreciation for her 'otherness', how she is such a unique and special creation, a gift in every way.


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## marriedmommyof2 (Nov 11, 2013)

This is hilarious! My husband is much like your wife. I feel so stupid trying to talk dirty that I just don't do it. He makes the whole thing awkward by doing it, imo. :iagree:




IndyTMI said:


> The talking dirty, I can relate to. My last girlfriend wanted me to do this but I was having trouble expressing myself where it was even comfortable. She wanted feedback during sex, so she would ask me how it felt and so on...all I ever came up with were comments like, "great, fantastic, excellent, awesome, amazing, outstanding and wow!" These were not what she was looking for and usually caused her to laugh because they were corny sounding during the act of it all.
> I don't know if she was wanting the whole porn scene where she wanted me to say "Oh, yeah baby, &^$%##* me harder...right there, that's the spot!" :rofl:


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

IndyTMI said:


> The talking dirty, I can relate to. My last girlfriend wanted me to do this but I was having trouble expressing myself where it was even comfortable. She wanted feedback during sex, so she would ask me how it felt and so on...all I ever came up with were comments like, "great, fantastic, excellent, awesome, amazing, outstanding and wow!" These were not what she was looking for and usually caused her to laugh because they were corny sounding during the act of it all.
> I don't know if she was wanting the whole porn scene where she wanted me to say "Oh, yeah baby, &^$%##* me harder...right there, that's the spot!" :rofl:


 The problem with talking dirty and not making an ass of yourself is you gotta be in to it. If not then it could turn into a comedy. 

My EX got a obscene phone call one night. She motioned to me to get on the other phone (pre cell phone days) so I can here him. All he kept talking about was how he wanted to lick her ass and his voice sounded like he sucked in helium. Finally she hung up and when we went to bed, were laying there not saying anything and she brought up the obscene caller with the nasal disturbance and I damn near pissed the bed I was laughing so hard. Then she started laughing and after a while we were both wide awake, tried having sex but I made the mistake and whispered in her ear what the guy said trying to use the same tone of voice and it started all over again with the laughing. Made a real good story when we went out and could barely tell it without laughing. That was in 1979 and to this day I still laugh about it. His voice, I'll always remember.


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