# he isn't attracted to me anymore



## eaustin87 (May 6, 2009)

ok its a long story but i feel like if i don't tell it all then i won't get the advice that i desperateley need. my husband is 20 yrs i am 21 yrs and we are exactly a year apart we met at job corps.in oct 07' i was over 200lbs when he met me. he cheated on me once at job corps but didn't tell me until after i left job corps to come live with him and his family. march of 08' i lost around 40 lbs. because his family couldn't afford to eat and his mom was strict about when and what and how much we were eating. me and him were tryng to have a baby and i think the drmatic weight loss allowed me to conceive. i went from 240 t0 265 when/while i was pregnant and the whole time i was the one who didn't want to have sex he was always horny then but it was my hormones i didn't want to. when i was 7 mos pregnant (dec 08') we got married. and in on march 12 09' i had a beautiful little girl. since i had my baby i felt weird like my husband didn't want or love me anymore. he acted like having sex with me was a chore and something he did not want to do. and then when we did he would not look at me and it was almost like he was trying to get it over with as fast as he could so he wouldn't have to do it again for a while. well when the cable bill came(on the day i got the internet turned on) i found that on the day i was in the hospital having our little girl when he told me he was going home that night to get a bite to eat he was at home watching porn(something i am not ok with because i feellike this if he can look at another woman and lust on her and get off on her it is the same as cheating so he may as well be doing her forreal cuz thats basically what he's wanting to do) and kept he watching porn every other night while i was asleep. i thought i was going to lose my mind. I dont like him watching porn he knows i will never look like those girls and it makes me feel inadequate and less of a woman that he would rather watch that and masterbate than be with me(his wife). he said he was addicted to it and that is just someting he is used to doing. i cried my eyes out a whole day in the bed and he said "sorry"...well,a week later porn ended up on the browsing history of the computer i asked him about it and he said he was just watching it to see if he got aroused.(lying to me because he ended up fessing up that he was masterbating again) and i started to get a gut feeling::my husband is not attracted to me:: i told him again it hurts me that he would neglect me and watch some girls rather than be my husband and take care of both our needs at once. well the other night i went to work and when i came home the browsing history was deleted. i asked him what happened and he lied saying he dropped the computer. but i knew better by his ansy behavior trying to devert my attention to anything but the internet or computer. so i sat him down and i let him know that i was going to recover the missing files and he really needed to come clean before i found out anything. he admitted to watching the movies and said he was just watching them to learn new things for us. i snapped. i really lost my mind i called him a liar because he i knew he was lying because i already told him if he wants to watch porn for that then he wouldn't have a problem with watching it with me like i have aldready offered to do to spice up our sex lives..and if that were really the reason he would have told me he wanted to watch it to get some new moves and he wouldn't have so desperately tried to hide it from me {again} WELL I ENDED UP TAKING MY WEDDING RINGS OFF AND TOLD HIM THAT I HOPED HE WAS HAPPY WITH THE DESICION HE MADE BECAUSE IT COST HIM HIS MARRIAGE AND FAMILY. THAN WHEN HE STILL HAD NOTHING TO SAY I TOLD HIM I HATE HIM (NOT MEANING IT BUT IN ANGER) HE DIDN'T CRY HE SHOWED LITTLE OR NO REMORSE OR REGRET FOR HURTING ME OR THAT HE WAS ABOUT TO LOSE ME. i demanded the truth. and he gave it to me::. HE TOLD ME HE WATCHES PORN BECAUSE HE"S NOT ATTRACTED TO ME. IN HIS WORDS NO IM NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU AND SOMETIMES IT HURTS TO HAVE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU.""YOU KNOW YOU DON'T LOOK NOTHING LIKE THEM GIRLS, YOU'RE FAT."HELL HALF THE GIRLS IN THIS NEIBORHOOD GOT YOU. YOU KNOW YOU AREN'T SKINNY. YOU WANTED THE TRUTH THOUGH AND THE TRUTH HURTS" he said he loves me and i have a pretty face but he is not attracted to me. so this is someone that i married. someone that promised and told me so many times he loves me as i am but now he doesn't.BASICALLY TELING ME WE COULD BE FRIENDS AND LIVE TOGETHER BUT NOT HAVE ANY ROMANTIC OR SEXUAL CONNECTION. WE JUST HANG OUT AND HAPPEN TO HAVE A BABY TOGETHER....im lost...im hurt and i don't even look at him the same now that i know how he REALLY feels about me. and to top it off in the last 3 days i havent eaten and ive been drinking water water water to fill me up. i feel like my spirit is broken and i don't know what to do about my marriage or my daughter.what does this mean? will i ever feel the way i did before about him?? im so worried that i can't work past it. and what do i do if i can't? will i have to tell him and explain to him the same way he explained to me. I LOVE YOU BUT IM NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU ANYMORE, SINCE YOU TOLD ME HOW YOU REALLY SEE ME I JUST DON'T SEE YOU AS THE SAME PERSON I MARRIED. then what?? do we get a divorce? do we stay in the same home for zaniah? do i just not tell him the way i feel at all? i know he'd take it the wrong way anyway.. THE WORDS KEEP PLAYING OVER AND OVER IN MY HEAD LIKE A BROKEN RECORD...AND LIKE SAID I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN BE WITH HIM ANYMORE BECAUSE WE HAD SEX LAST NIGHT AND IT WAS NOT THE SAME.....IT WASN'T LIKE MAKING LOVE OR EVEN HAVING SEX..I CRIED THROUGH THE WHOLE THING BECAUSE I FELT LIKE I WAS BEING ****ED BY A COMPLETE STRANGER WITH NO LOVE OR FEELINGS IN IT. I AM UNCOMFORTABLE AROUND HIM. I DON'T WANT HIM TO SEE ME NAKED ANYMORE. AND HERE'S A GOOD LAUGH 4 DAYS AGO HE ASKED ME IF I WANTED TO GIVE ZANIAH A BROTHER OR SISTER...HA ****ING RIGHT....and to top it off he isn't even worried that our marriage is over he keeps telling me if i got him an xbox 360 with games to keep him occupied none of this would happen or have happened. WHAT DOES him having an xbox have anything to do with him being attracted to me or our marriage HE KEEPS saying " he's bored " but why would i invest 600+ dollars in a game system for him to have entertainment while i go to work bust my ass to pay bills for him to sit at home do nothing but play video games and make me feel like im not good enough for him...where is the sense in that?? why would i do that?so yeah i think my marriage is in the ****ter...and really i think im the only one that cares..like right now it's 1am and i can't even sleep in the same bed as him...but he can go to sleep knowing that im up stressed out...HE DOESNT CARE. HE DOESN"T want to talk about it. he always tells me he's nothing like any of my ex's- he's so wrong::he's just like them..all of my exe's did me wrong in so many different ways but they ALL did one thing in common: MAKE ME FEEL LIKE IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR THEM.AND ALL OF THEM DID AN EQUALLY GOOD JOB OF IT. BUT I THINK HE'S DOING THE BEST JOB OF IT BECAUSE HE REALLY MADE ME THINK HE REALLY LOVED ME FOR ME. HE REALLY HAD ME GOING IF I KNEW THEN WHAT I KNOW NOW I WOULD NEVVVVERRR HAVE MARRIED HIM OR GOT PREGNANT I WOULD HAVE LET HIM LEAVE ME GET WITH SOME SKINNY CHICK THAT WOULDN'T PUT UP WITH HIM AND LET HIM GET HURT AND CHEAT ON AND PROBABLY AND STD OR TWO BECAUSE NEITHER ONE OF THEM WOULD BE FAITHFUL..AND I WOULD HAVE WAITED FOR THE REAL PERSON THAT WOULD WANT ME AND THINK MY BACK FAT AND JIGGLY BITS WERE SEXY...NOT DISGUSTING....SO I DON'T KNOW IF ITS THE SAME SITUATION THAT YOU THOUGHT IT WAS BUT I REALLY WOULDN'T MIND YOUR THOUGHTS OR OPINIONS..WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF IT WERE YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND..IF HE EVER TOLD YOU YOU WERE TOO FAT FOR HIM AND IT MADE HIM NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU...BECAUSE YOU DON'T TURN HIM ON...WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU COULDN'T SEE THE MAN YOU MARRIED ANYMORE AND INSTEAD SAW THE REAL MAN THAT YOU MARRIED...?


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## thinkingaboutdivorce (Aug 26, 2009)

I'm in the same exact boat! I so feel your pain. My husband was worse. He stopped having sex with me all together and then when we had a heated argument he told me he thought I was a fat ***** and that he was unattracted to me. Mind you were are newlyweds!!!

I thought he loved me as I was...this is how he met me. Im a size 10, but I like me, I think Im hot...WTF!

So now he says he still loves me but I need to work on my weight and then he gets all excited when I tell him Im considering having a tummy tuck.

Here's the kicker...he tells me "oh let me get you a belly piercing when you get it done"..."my treat" he says. 

I swear to you I dont even know this guy...who is this *******?

I cant even picture having sex with him after how he made me feel. 

I dont know what to do. Right now he is out of town and I dont know what to do either. ;(


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## They Call Me Smooth (May 5, 2009)

Was this you venting or were you looking for advise?

Sorry but you lost me at the part were porn is cheating. Good God you H was horny while you were in the hosp ready to push our a baby. What did you want him to do? Ask you for a quicky?


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Wow, so many things going on on so many levels. Before I address the rejection issues, I want to address the job issue. Why are you the only one working? Maybe if he had a job, not an xbox, he wouldnt be spending so much time on porn. Now, that being said, he is a horny guy, and still loves you he is not attracted to you anymore... he was once. That is what I read in your post... SOmetimes guys go through a period where they cant even think about sex with their wife who just had a baby, even with wives they are attracted to... ther is some reason behind it, but cant explain. AND, I read that you had sex again, and you were the one crying b/c of the words that had been exchanged between you about your weight and his alleged non-attraction. Well, he wouldnt have sex with you if he werent attracted to you, period. He doesnt sound like the kind of guy who would have sympathy sex. 

The best way to "get back at him" which I prefer to term "get him back into you" would be to pull yourself up by your bootstraps, and get over all the hurt from the rejections you have had with others in the past (and him in his most recent words). You need to think more positively about yourself... perhaps you were feeling that way prior to having a child? Because you married a man who loved you for who you are? Maybe in his eyes he isnt attracted to the nervous, self doubting phase you are going through. 

Heck, I watch porn myself. Im not attracted to the people in the videos at all... in my mind the looks of my husband blow away any of those guys... but there is something arousing about it... I need to do it when Im not getting it with my husband bc my drive goes down and needs to be revved up again... maybe if you tell him that its ok to watch the porn if he then brings that passion to you and your marriage, or as an outlet when you arent doing it.

Honestly, what I wouldnt do, but loved to see in Fried Green TOmatoes... wife began exploring her own sexuality and feminity and got on a health and happiness track... she lost weight, primped herself up and looked pretty mostly bc she was finding inner peace about herself... now that is attractive anyone. He obviously was attracted to you with the weight, so stop using that as an excuse, or use it as a reason to lose the weight and become what you think he wants you to be... and make him beg for it until you feel he has earned the right to have you again!

I consider myself attractive, and thin, and my husband still doesnt want to be with me sexually... or he's punishing me, or controlling. He is to the point where he wont have sex with me, but then says if I dont with him, he will go find it elsewhere and I would never know (you are invited to read my posts here... very f-ed up situation here as well) So, we are actually in the same situation for different reasons... he needs to grow up and realize his lack of desire or wall to intimacy, is killing us. I have been through the tears and anguish that I see you in right now. Im over it... now Im just plain old pissed off and frustrated... but those are powerful motivators for change. When you are ready, take the reighns and go with whatever you need to do to feel good about yourself in spite of what he said. 

No matter what else he said, he did say he still loves you AND he had sex with you again... those are 2 positives that you arent able to see right now b/c of your hurt... I have been there too. Hurt keeps you from seeing the positives, but hurt also needs to be felt... its a grieving process. Its a process that allows that bubble to be burst of the ideal marriage that you thought you had... and now you have clumped him in with those others that hurt you... as I did as well. Once you grieve and begin to move on from that, try to see the positives of him still loving you, and having sex with you despite being a new mom and him liking to watch porn.

Until you have grieved the loss of that image you had of your marriage, you will not be able to effect positive changes for yourself which, in turn will effect your marriage. You cannot change him... you are young still... you cannot demand he stops the porn, you cannot make him get a job, you cannot force him to think of you in any way... HE has to do that... You can only work on YOU. Please know that if he loves you and married you the way you are, then weight does not really matter to him... he wouldnt have married you and wouldnt still love you if it really did matter to him.

If after all that it still does not change, then you all can consider divorce... but with a child involved and love still there, please try to change how you feel about yourself and see if that changes the synamics in your relationship. You may never go back to the way it was before all the hurt... I think its impossible and not a good thing... part of being married is to realize that its not the illusion you fell in love with, marriage is the reality you choose every day! Things dont get worked out when you want them to, like yesterday! It takes time and patience... some couples go through ruts for years before finally working out how they are going to be with each other.

Ok, I am really rambling, but I feel so much for what you are going through bc I am going through the same thing for different reasons. You are not alone in this.


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