# Hi to all



## /ˌlaNG ˈzīn/

Hi there!

Firstly, I feel very fortunate to have stumbled across this forum. I spent a few hours yesterday looking through the topics and replies and felt that this was a good place to talk. While I have a couple special people in my life that I can confide in, I am not the kind of person who likes to be a burden; I also feel that it would hurt those closest to my heart and I am very protective of those I love. Sometimes I find it's just easier for me to throw on a smile and tell everyone that everything is OK.

I've been with a Covert Narcissist for the last 17 years (married 16), and didn't even know it until 2 years ago when I was diagnosed with CPTSD due to (what I like to call), his, "Chinese water torture". 

When I first met my husband he was pretty much everything you could have wished for in a friend/boyfriend/spouse and most importantly, a parent to your child(ren). I remember thinking to myself, "this is too good to be true" because in the past I had experienced 2 particularly traumatic relationships (one was physically abusive, the other one I'd rather not say yet, or, if at all. 

Back to the, "this is too good to be true"... Welllll, all I can say is this: if and when you find yourself thinking or feeling that something is too good to be true, run. RUN and don't look back. My gut instinct was warning me and I did try ending it, he did not accept my decision and somehow after our long conversation I ended up feeling like I had made the wrong choice ending it with him. I didn't recognize it then, but that was the beginning of the abuse. For the past 17 years my husband has been emotionally, mentally and physically bullying, belittling, degrading and critisizing. I am no longer who I once was as a woman and I miss her so, so much. Every once in a while I get a little glimpse of her, but I feel the damage is done and I've lost her for good. 

Unfortunately, PTSD is no stranger to my life as I was diagnosed with PTSD from a rape. 9 months later, I had a baby. LSS, I found a therapist who helped me tremendously and within 3 & a half years I had the tools to manage the trauma post rape and begin to live my life peacefully again to some degree. Since being married to my husband therapy hasn't been as successful or progressive for me and I believe it's because it's not a one-off trauma I'm trying to work through, it's day-to-day trauma I have endured since being with my him. My spirit is broken. I've been running on embers searching for the road to peace and I know in my heart of hearts there's really only two options: throw in the towel or stand by him in hopes that he will seek long term professional help now that we know what's going on with him. I understand there isn't a cure for personality disorders, but I do know that if they are self aware and are willing to put in the hard work they can learn strategies and techniques to help them manage their illness better. 

I recognize that I am no longer in love with him due to being chipped away at for all of these years; with that said, I am loyal, I love him (but unsure why there is still a feeling of love for him), and really feel for what he has endured as a child. 

My 2 children are completely aware of what is considered healthy and unhealthy in regards to relationships - even with him. I try to be as candid as I possibly can for them so they make the right choices in relationships and other areas of their lives. So far, so good.


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