# Just found out my husband has sex addict and seeing prostitutes(escort) for 5 years



## softcindy

Just found out today that my 3.5 years married husband has the sex addiction and been seeing prostitutes(escort) for 5 years.
He forgot to delete the "appointment email" from his iphone and I found it right in front of his eyes.

He is a very normal engineer, very nice and always has sunny smile.

But he has sex addiction...he admitted it.
His last meeting with the prostitute was last Thu. while he traveled to the Bay Area for business.

Per his email which I hacked into later; he did that almost 1 to 3 times per month as long as he got the chance.
Even when we were just dating and right after we got married.

We have good sex and sometimes it is up to 19~20 times per month. (Yes, I did mark our sex on the calendar).

My heart and my mind are falling apart...

I moved from Taiwan to US 3.5 years ago because we were both sick and tired of the long distance.
I gave up my promotion and left behind my family.
Look what I put myself in.
What a bummer...


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## *LittleDeer*

He doesn't necessarily have a sex addiction. He could just be a cheater. 

Don't let him get away with not taking responsibility and saying "oh poor me, I have a sex addiction" that's a cop out. He's choosing to betray you.


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## JustHer

I agree with LittleDeer, someone who seeks out prostitutes isn't necessarily a sex addict, but what he is, is a cheater.

I am really sorry for your situation, I know how hard it is to be faced with the reality that your spouse betrayed you. You are now faced with some choices you probably don't want to make.

He cheated, so if you accept the fact that he is a sex addict and can't help himself, you are allowing him to continue this behavior with no consequences.

If you say he is a cheater and demand that he quit his cheating ways, you have to be prepared to enforce consequences. This could come down to you having to leave him.

Are you prepared to do that? 
How will you know if he is telling the truth? He travels and has been able to live this lifestyle for many years.

May I suggest that you have this thread moved to "Coping with Infidelity", I think that is your real issue.


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## softcindy

When I was reading all the emails between the prostitutes and him, I found out most of the emails were replied during our lunch, dinner or when I was driving for him. 
He outcall the prostitures to our old apt when I was back-and-forth TW and US. And of course after I moved to US, he continued. 

He had sex with them during his business trips to SF, LA and Boston. 
He even asked the prostitutes if sometimes they could had him tried 2 girls in once. 
Some girls said " wow, you were like a porn star" after the business. 

He normally asked for 2 hours and sometimes 3 hours. Which is $800 to $1200 or $1500 each time, and he said several times to me that "you / we have to watch our spending".

He spends so much time viewing online porn, video and live cam chat. I found the Kleenex with sperm in the trash can next to his desk. 
He is canceling his Asia business trip and looked for the consultation. 
Of course he said that he loves me and he was stupid. 
He said he will regain my trust if I gave him chance. 
He is 55 years old.


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## Pattiroxxi

softcindy said:


> When I was reading all the emails between the prostitutes and him, I found out most of the emails were replied during our lunch, dinner or when I was driving for him.
> He outcall the prostitures to our old apt when I was back-and-forth TW and US. And of course after I moved to US, he continued.
> 
> He had sex with them during his business trips to SF, LA and Boston.
> He even asked the prostitutes if sometimes they could had him tried 2 girls in once.
> Some girls said " wow, you were like a porn star" after the business.
> 
> He normally asked for 2 hours and sometimes 3 hours. Which is $800 to $1200 or $1500 each time, and he said several times to me that "I / we have to watch our spending".
> 
> He spends so much time viewing online porn, video and live cam chat. I found the Kleenex with sperm in the trash can next to his desk.
> He is canceling his Asia business trip and looked for the consultation.
> Of course he said that he loves me and he was stupid.
> He said he will regain my trust if I gave him chance.
> He is 55 years old.


DISGUSTING! divorce him don't give him a second chance, he was like a porn star? wow what a pig he is, he deserves the worst.


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## richie33

You will never be able to trust this man again. Sorry but divorce seems the best option.
Best case he gets help and starts living a healthy life.
Worst case he gets worse than ever. Either way you probably wont be able to forgive this. ( no one could blame you either)


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## softcindy

He planned all the escorts; actually they are all prostitutes in ahead from his business trip or even one night trip for anything.

Sometimes different girls in different nights in one trip.

Even when he helped his 23y daughter for the optometry school interview in Costa Mesa. 

He convinced me that he needed to spend quality time with my step-daughter so he would like to go alone.

And after he finished the dinner with the daughter and check into different rooms, the prostitute arrived.

He even tried to outcall the prostitute to our new house during my business trip; all arranged but his schedule changed so that one was cancelled.
Of course I believe that he did that when I visited my family in Taiwan too.


He is looking for all the marriage counseling near our area now.


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## lifeistooshort

What is marriage counseling going to accomplish? Is he screwing hookers because you guys don't communicate well? Please, it's just a delay tactic to keep you from going anywhere; prostitutes don't cook and clean, and you're convenient for cheap sex when they're not a possibility.

Get rid of him how, and do not sleep with him again. Who knows what he's been exposed to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## softcindy

He deleted the gmail account and told me that he has no longer has the contact information of those prostitutes. 
He must be very sorry for the "5 years credit" lost because every time when he tried to connect a new escort; he needs the " reference" from previous businesses. 

So, I just found out that he created a "secure mailbox" so I might not be able to hick into.....I guess.


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## long_done

He sounds like a dirty old man who married an overseas mail order bride, forgive me if I'm being too direct.

You obviously are in a very powerless situation since you gave up your home country, family, friends, and career to be with this old pervert.

What are you willing to do about it? Are you willing to suffer because you gave up so much and can't go back? Or are you willing to divorce, get out, and do what's best for yourself?


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## softcindy

It's fine. We know each from work, I knew a lot of US people thought OF Asian women who married with American are all mail order brides. 
We support Apple's OEM in Asia, which he worked at apple at that time.
I thought he is a good engineer .....now I know that is not true. 
He said the good one is still there, he will try to bring him out.


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## softcindy

long_done said:


> He sounds like a dirty old man who married an overseas mail order bride, forgive me if I'm being too direct.
> 
> You obviously are in a very powerless situation since you gave up your home country, family, friends, and career to be with this old pervert.
> 
> What are you willing to do about it? Are you willing to suffer because you gave up so much and can't go back? Or are you willing to divorce, get out, and do what's best for yourself?


The difficult part is I really love him.


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## long_done

softcindy said:


> The difficult part is I really love him.


No, you love the idea of a perfect him. The real him is someone you really do not love.

You can stay in this toxic relationship and love him despite him totally disrespecting you, that's your right and choice.


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## lifeistooshort

He's going to get better at hiding it, and he knows you're not going anywhere.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc

You need to go tested for STDs. Call your doctor ASAP and tell him/her the truth so that they test you for everything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## softcindy

lifeistooshort said:


> What is marriage counseling going to accomplish? Is he screwing hookers because you guys don't communicate well? Please, it's just a delay tactic to keep you from going anywhere; prostitutes don't cook and clean, and you're convenient for cheap sex when they're not a possibility.
> 
> Get rid of him how, and do not sleep with him again. Who knows what he's been exposed to.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was wondering; if he loves to play around, why he tried to make me stay after I found out yesterday. If I left him; he could do whatever he wants, right?
Actually I don't really do the housework and seldom cook....I do enjoy the sex with him. 

I wish I could smash his face....


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## Anomnom

softcindy said:


> I do enjoy the sex with him.


You still enjoy sex with him?? Don't you imagine all the dirty hoes he's been sticking his penis into? Sex is very mental for women, I personally would feel disgusting knowing how many prostitutes he's been having 'porn star' sex with and then hours later putting it inside me...ewww. Think of how many people just one prostitute has sex with, multiply by hundreds for each different pro he's with, that is how many people you in effect are having sex with. Do not have unprotected sex with him again. Go get checked for STDs. And have some self respect, leave him.


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## long_done

softcindy said:


> I was wondering; if he loves to play around, why he tried to make me stay after I found out yesterday. If I left him; he could do whatever he wants, right?
> Actually I don't really do the housework and seldom cook....I do enjoy the sex with him.
> 
> I wish I could smash his face....


He wants you around because you're his back up plan, you'll always be there, in his mind. He's got nothing to lose. Have his pie and eat it too.

If you were to leave his plans would fall apart.


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## Thundarr

Too often a label of addiction is the easy to justify bad stuff. Five years of frequenting escorts means he cheated many times with many women.

Let's not pretend he's not a serial cheater.


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## JustHer

Sometimes men marry to cover their real lives, or who they really are. If a guy is gay and can't admit it, he will marry and tell himself and others he is straight. Then he will go have sex with other men and tell himself that he isn't gay, it is just experimentation...

Your husband might be doing the same thing. As long as he is married he can lie to himself and say he is normal but just likes to mess around. He can hide the fact that he enjoys sex with hookers, even in his own mind. But in reality he likes doing hookers, he likes the thrill of being powerful and in control. He enjoys living a double life. 

I am sorry you are in this situation but I would think very carefully about your future. He is probably never going to change, and remember, he is a master liar. He has been lying to not only you, but himself and everyone else. He will continue to lie to you, always.

And please, go get tested for STD's


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## softcindy

mablenc said:


> You need to go tested for STDs. Call your doctor ASAP and tell him/her the truth so that they test you for everything.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks, I just finished my annual check and all the test data seem normal.
But I will contact my doctor to make sure that the STDs are included.


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## softcindy

Anomnom said:


> You still enjoy sex with him?? Don't you imagine all the dirty hoes he's been sticking his penis into? Sex is very mental for women, I personally would feel disgusting knowing how many prostitutes he's been having 'porn star' sex with and then hours later putting it inside me...ewww. Think of how many people just one prostitute has sex with, multiply by hundreds for each different pro he's with, that is how many people you in effect are having sex with. Do not have unprotected sex with him again. Go get checked for STDs. And have some self respect, leave him.


Of course not now, I mean from June 14 afternoon; after I found out. I meant since we've met, I do enjoy the sex with him.
And yes, I do feel something dirty on him.


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## softcindy

Anomnom said:


> You still enjoy sex with him?? Don't you imagine all the dirty hoes he's been sticking his penis into? Sex is very mental for women, I personally would feel disgusting knowing how many prostitutes he's been having 'porn star' sex with and then hours later putting it inside me...ewww. Think of how many people just one prostitute has sex with, multiply by hundreds for each different pro he's with, that is how many people you in effect are having sex with. Do not have unprotected sex with him again. Go get checked for STDs. And have some self respect, leave him.


And one more thing; I did mention about how dirty of those "holes"...
He said: "they are all very high-end escorts and not having sex around, I did some researches. Also I used the condom all the time. They would not do the business without condom either".
What a "thoughtful" person he is!


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## softcindy

JustHer said:


> Sometimes men marry to cover their real lives, or who they really are. If a guy is gay and can't admit it, he will marry and tell himself and others he is straight. Then he will go have sex with other men and tell himself that he isn't gay, it is just experimentation...
> 
> Your husband might be doing the same thing. As long as he is married he can lie to himself and say he is normal but just likes to mess around. He can hide the fact that he enjoys sex with hookers, even in his own mind. But in reality he likes doing hookers, he likes the thrill of being powerful and in control. He enjoys living a double life.
> 
> I am sorry you are in this situation but I would think very carefully about your future. He is probably never going to change, and remember, he is a master liar. He has been lying to not only you, but himself and everyone else. He will continue to lie to you, always.
> 
> And please, go get tested for STD's


Thanks, you got the point that I was thinking about "he likes doing hookers, he likes the thrill of being powerful and in control. He enjoys living a double life. "

I am suffering and painful now. Need to put myself together first. And thanks all of your messages, it really helps a lot.


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## lifeistooshort

Look, you can psychoanalyze and make excuses all you want. The fact is that you're married to a guy that screws hookers, and that's not going to stop. He'll just get better at hiding it.

If you want to stay married to him that's up to you, and you don't have to justify it to anyone. If it's not a deal breaker then forget about it and don't worry about what he does. There are lots of reasons he'd want a wife at home and wh0res on the road; decide what your dealbreakers are and stick to them. Either accept your hb does this and live with it or get rid of him, but stop making excuses and trying to analyze why he does what he does. Marriage counseling isn't going to accomplish anything except to bullsh!t you while he continues to do what he does. It's possible that IC to find out why he does this could help him, but unless you serve him with divorce papers he has no real incentive. The choice is yours, decide what you can live with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## softcindy

He even hired a hooker on my birthday because he travel to Boston for business on my birthday and arranged in ahead for that!!
His email to them were so romantic and patient.... He said that was the "process" or the hookers would not see him!
He even started to look for the hookers in the same city that we live; if I didn't find out, I think he will **** the hookers in our new house when I am away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964

So what are you going to DO about it???????


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## homedepot

Not a sex addict. He is actually a very smart man that has "some" respect for you in a way. Would you rather him have a relationship with a woman who knows who are, such a co-worker or neighbor?


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## homedepot

Also your chances of catching an std from a high end escort is just as high as hooking up with some one that has sex for free. Think about it.


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## kitty2013

long_done said:


> He sounds like a dirty old man who married an overseas mail order bride, forgive me if I'm being too direct.
> 
> You obviously are in a very powerless situation since you gave up your home country, family, friends, and career to be with this old pervert.
> 
> What are you willing to do about it? Are you willing to suffer because you gave up so much and can't go back? Or are you willing to divorce, get out, and do what's best for yourself?


She is not a mail order bride. Taiwan is a nice country. She could travel to the US easily. It is not a third world country. 
Love is blind. I am praying that she does not have any STDs from her dirty husband. I hope she can find the best solution for herself.


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## couple

long_done said:


> He sounds like a dirty old man who married an overseas mail order bride, forgive me if I'm being too direct.


The OP responded to this ignorant and extremely insulting (to the OP) comment with class although it did not deserve such restraint. Unfortunately I saw this same type of comment before on TAM and it should not be tolerated here.

Taiwan has a higher per capita GDP than Britain, Germany, France, Italy, Denmark, Israel, etc and has a globally mobile business, tech and scientific elite so I have no idea why anyone would automatically assume that a woman from Taiwan sold herself for a ride to the USA.

Like many here on TAM, the OP is going through extreme pain of adultery and needs our support. She does not need to be called a 'mail order bride' - essentially equating her with the prostitutes that her husband has been cheating on her with! 

So your comment is shocking on two fronts - insensitive toward someone who's hurting and needs our help and incredibly ignorant.


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## roostr

Sorry to be blunt, but forget the "sex addiction" thats a crock. The fac is, your husband is a player, on a professional level. 

Do you reallise how much money he has spent on these women and he tells you that you need to watch what you spend? Wow, thats pretty pathetic. He wants you to curb the spending so he has plenty of hooker money.

Also, if he is hooking up with these escorts, dont you think there is a high probability that he will also hook up woth a non-escort if the opportunity arrises? 

I wish you luck but it seems you are most likely going to let him get away with it.


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## Imstrong123

softcindy said:


> Just found out today that my 3.5 years married husband has the sex addiction and been seeing prostitutes(escort) for 5 years.
> He forgot to delete the "appointment email" from his iphone and I found it right in front of his eyes.
> 
> He is a very normal engineer, very nice and always has sunny smile.
> 
> But he has sex addiction...he admitted it.
> His last meeting with the prostitute was last Thu. while he traveled to the Bay Area for business.
> 
> Per his email which I hacked into later; he did that almost 1 to 3 times per month as long as he got the chance.
> Even when we were just dating and right after we got married.
> 
> We have good sex and sometimes it is up to 19~20 times per month. (Yes, I did mark our sex on the calendar).
> 
> My heart and my mind are falling apart...
> 
> I moved from Taiwan to US 3.5 years ago because we were both sick and tired of the long distance.
> I gave up my promotion and left behind my family.
> Look what I put myself in.
> What a bummer...


I am SO SO sorry you are going thrugh this!! You didn't mention children, so that makes everything easier. I found out my H had a sex addiction to onine dating and met and cheated with maybe 100 women before he stopped on his own, completely.....and then I found out. We are still together, working very hard to accept and understand WHY the H he needed this kind of validation from total strangers (is not really sex, is validation they are after)...but is still very hard. Had I not had any children, had I been younger...I would have left him, no doubt. Life is too short, too precious to be carrying HIS baggage, his problems for the rest of your life. I found out about my H after 26 1/2 years of marriage, with three teenage kids, no career of my own...you don't have anyone of these elements in your marriage. Let it go, there's someone better out there. YES my H and I are happy now, but I feel I am carrying a huge rock on my back...the trust will never be there the way it was before, I see him and I remember the pain...I guess time will help, so will creating new memories a new history where he can say he will never cheat on me and I will believe him....but again, I did't choose this, it chose me...so...I repeat, had I been younger, no kids, married for only a few years..I would have walked out.


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## Kaci

Do you want this party animal to be the father of your children? Change your name from 'Softcindy' to 'StrongCindy'. Get rid of him, go home to your family. You'll be happy there.


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## Tomara

I almost choked when I started to read your post. I KNOW exactly what you are going thru as this happened to me. I didn't know the behavior was happening for six years when I caught him. He ended up giving me an STD what cost me my female parts as to avoid cancer. PM is you need to talk to someone that has been in your shoes. He will never stop!


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## confusedinTX

I am in the same position. I have been with my husband for 15 years (13 married) and found out in the end of October that he has been seeing escorts for the past 8 years and admits to around 50 times. He travels a lot now but it started before that and has had problems with porn and strip clubs. We started counseling before this came out and the counselor called him out as an addict before this came out. I wish I didn't but I love him and have two little girls lives to consider. The day after I found out he got himself a sex addiction counselor of his own doing and has been told to join SAA which he has started calling in. I don't know if we are going to make it but as someone living the same story I would say this if he is truly sorry and believes himself an addict he needs to take steps to get help. For you there are groups for us S-Anon. I would suggest reaching out and finding yourself some support. A friend suggested I was a movie called Thanks for Sharing which is about this topic. It was interesting because it had a small focus on the person dealing with the addict. Good luck because it is truly a nightmare.


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## Tomara

The only way is to get out. They will not change, ingrained in their person. I made my ex pay me $1000.00 a month for every year he hired escorts. Moral turpitude clause in his job so I had him over a barrel. I raised my kids alone. We are doing just fine. The loser is still hiring his hookers.


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## Pooh Bear

softcindy said:


> Just found out today that my 3.5 years married husband has the sex addiction and been seeing prostitutes(escort) for 5 years.
> He forgot to delete the "appointment email" from his iphone and I found it right in front of his eyes.
> 
> He is a very normal engineer, very nice and always has sunny smile.
> 
> But he has sex addiction...he admitted it.
> His last meeting with the prostitute was last Thu. while he traveled to the Bay Area for business.
> 
> Per his email which I hacked into later; he did that almost 1 to 3 times per month as long as he got the chance.
> Even when we were just dating and right after we got married.
> 
> We have good sex and sometimes it is up to 19~20 times per month. (Yes, I did mark our sex on the calendar).
> 
> My heart and my mind are falling apart...
> 
> I moved from Taiwan to US 3.5 years ago because we were both sick and tired of the long distance.
> I gave up my promotion and left behind my family.
> Look what I put myself in.
> What a bummer...


Ewwww. Gross. I wouldn't be able to live with that. I don't want to have to use a condom during sex to prevent STD's with my own husband!


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## Pooh Bear

softcindy said:


> I was wondering; if he loves to play around, why he tried to make me stay after I found out yesterday. If I left him; he could do whatever he wants, right?
> Actually I don't really do the housework and seldom cook....I do enjoy the sex with him.
> 
> I wish I could smash his face....


People are complicated. He may love you but he wants the entitlement of having sex with prostitutes. The thing is he has lied about it so I don't know how you could ever trust him.


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## Pooh Bear

couple said:


> The OP responded to this ignorant and extremely insulting (to the OP) comment with class although it did not deserve such restraint. Unfortunately I saw this same type of comment before on TAM and it should not be tolerated here.
> 
> Taiwan has a higher per capita GDP than Britain, Germany, France, Italy, Denmark, Israel, etc and has a globally mobile business, tech and scientific elite so I have no idea why anyone would automatically assume that a woman from Taiwan sold herself for a ride to the USA.
> 
> Like many here on TAM, the OP is going through extreme pain of adultery and needs our support. She does not need to be called a 'mail order bride' - essentially equating her with the prostitutes that her husband has been cheating on her with!
> 
> So your comment is shocking on two fronts - insensitive toward someone who's hurting and needs our help and incredibly ignorant.


I agree completely. It was a racist, sexist comment. Although, I am not sure that I would equate a mail order bride with a prostitute. But, yes, the first comment was inappropriate.


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## Pooh Bear

roostr said:


> Sorry to be blunt, but forget the "sex addiction" thats a crock. The fac is, your husband is a player, on a professional level.
> 
> Do you reallise how much money he has spent on these women and he tells you that you need to watch what you spend? Wow, thats pretty pathetic. He wants you to curb the spending so he has plenty of hooker money.
> 
> Also, if he is hooking up with these escorts, dont you think there is a high probability that he will also hook up woth a non-escort if the opportunity arrises?
> 
> I wish you luck but it seems you are most likely going to let him get away with it.


That's not fair. This may not be a dealbreaker for her. Maybe she is ok with it. It doesn't seem that way from her posts and it also doesn't sound like she will "let him get away with it" either.


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## A_DelVeccio

Oh my, how devastating! You need to get tested now and then you need to see a counselor to help you deal with this. Do not fall for tears or blaming this as an addiction.


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## NosborCrop

So sorry for you =/


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## MEOW

Sorry for you I am in this myself right now. One thing I would say at least with the hookers there is no feelings it just sex. But that doesn't make it hurt any less. My man started doing it around 49 mid life but then got addicted to the 20 year old. No one can tell you what to do but yourself but if You stay I would demand openness to everything banking credit card phone emails and phone tracking. Where I am now and he has agreed basically told him if he isn't going to do it again then shouldn't be a problem. So we are trying. Good luck with your situation and soul search everything before making your decision.


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## pragmaster

Hmmm. So much hate against this man, but he's just a man.
It's the oldest profession in the book. I want to defend him a bit just to create a contrast. 

I've heard of so many married men who see prostitutes. It seems to be a commonality unfortunately. I have friends who are, and it's literally over 70% of their business. What do you expect when you are with the same person all this time? Quite simply, you get bored. You said you have sex multiple times in a month but is it really of high quality? How often do you change it up? Do you take risks with him? Do you force him to use a condom all the time? That alone will do it for many men. How bored, deprived and sad is he? You must find out! 

If you've been happy this whole time but he hasn't, talk about it. Perhaps he simply enjoys the risk. Lots of guys do that just for the risk. 

One of my friends who is an escort told me this a long time ago: Some guys simply can't get all they need from one person. Perhaps he is one of those. Lots of guys like to have their cake and icing too and without one or the other they crumble. Have you ever seen him crumble? 

For all you know this may have been a pattern from the start, or a past life. You can walk away from him or try and help him, despite the pain he has caused you. And I am sorry for your pain. I too was cheated on and I know how it feels. Do you care enough about him to truly help him or are you going to indulge in your own sadness? 

You didn't do anything wrong. It's not your fault, unless your like 400lbs and treat him like crap all the time. 

I wouldn't say he doesn't love you because good people do bad things and bad people do good things sometimes. True love preservers. I think you can still cheat on someone you love but the guilt would be more obvious and harder to suppress with each passing day.

This man simply lacks self-control and discipline. I wouldn't call him a sex addict YET, that may be something he enjoys to believe he is.

He is for sure a cheater and probably a compulsive liar. 

The question is not whether you should break up with him. The question is if you can handle the pain of him doing it again, or the risk of him doing it again when he leaves behind your back, because unfortunately, it sounds like he most certainly will. 

Thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family. Stay strong. Get counselling ASAP or leave and don't look back.


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## MEOW

These hooker friends of yours are not the innocent little things you make them out to be. They lie and tease these drunken men into thinking they give a **** about them when all they care about is the money and taking as much of it as possible.


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## Amplexor

softcindy has not been here in nearly a year. Thread locked.


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