# My wife always says "I would like you to" - I am overreacting?



## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

I can't stand when my wife says "I would like you to go out and bring XXX" or "the garbage has to be taken out." It always feels like a little kid in class.

I keep on telling her she can simply ask me "can you" or even "please take out" "please go here" etc.

Am I overreacting? I just hate those lines. Really.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

In a world of irritations, your's does seem blissfully mild. I appreciate good manners, too, but correcting those who forget to say "please" isn't using any better manners than the person who forgot. You could notice the trash needs to go out and just take it and avoid all trash-related discussion. 
Not sure how long you've been married, but I notice my wife has adopted some of my mannerisms and language. I expect I've adopted some of her's. If you consistently use great manners, she may eventually follow your example even without you correcting her.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

joshbjoshb said:


> I can't stand when my wife says "I would like you to go out and bring XXX" or "the garbage has to be taken out." It always feels like a little kid in class.
> 
> I keep on telling her she can simply ask me "can you" or even "please take out" "please go here" etc.
> 
> Am I overreacting? I just hate those lines. Really.


Is there more too this? Are there other behaviors by her that give you that feeling?


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

If a couple are lucky enough to have a long marriage there will be a list of things thatthey each do that will irritate the other.

Silly things such as My wife squezzes the toothpaste in the middle of the tube, I brush my teeth under a running tap. They are not worth worring about, just each agree to except them an carry on. 

N.B. My wife is great (better than me) at rembering her "please and / or thank you" but annoys me by asking "CAN" when she means "WILL". As I say if its no big deal why make it one.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

joshbjoshb said:


> I can't stand when my wife says "I would like you to go out and bring XXX" or "the garbage has to be taken out." It always feels like a little kid in class.
> 
> I keep on telling her she can simply ask me "can you" or even "please take out" "please go here" etc.
> 
> Am I overreacting? I just hate those lines. Really.


She could say

"Go here/there"
"Take out the garbage, it's too full"

etc. 

It sounds like your wife is still at least asking and not telling. Is she asking in the most respectful way possible, no.

You could use humor to drive a point home though and talk about "I would like a steak dinner" as soon as she says what "she'd like".


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## Silly Husband (Aug 30, 2010)

JoshB, 
My wife used to do the same thing. It felt like she was saying "you failed to do this thing I just expect of you". It made me feel unappreciated. 

I went the passive/aggressive route initially, her-"the garbage needs to go out", me-"yeah, I agree"(goes and does something else) but that usually ended in an argument and didn't change anything.

What did work was telling her that the simple act of asking instead of making a statement made a difference to me. Doing things that aren't important to us but make our spouse feel good shows we care.

I also wondered how she would feel if I made statements like "the baby needs changing" or "your husband is horny".

BTW the more often she asked, the less it bothered me when she didn't. At least she was trying.

Hope this helps.

@ Wiltshireman- Don't get me started on the toothpaste!


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

joshbjoshb said:


> I can't stand when my wife says "I would like you to go out and bring XXX" or "the garbage has to be taken out." It always feels like a little kid in class.
> 
> I keep on telling her she can simply ask me "can you" or even "please take out" "please go here" etc.
> 
> Am I overreacting? I just hate those lines. Really.


It really is all about tone and word placement isn't it.Sounds like you're being picky but who am I to tell you how you should feel.
use the same type of sentence formation on her that she uses on you OR take the direct,mature route and tell her that how she words things bothers you.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

Communication is such an important matter in relationships. So many time it is how you say it, not what you say. If she loves and respects you, there is no reason why she can't say "please". It's common courtesy and you should talk to everyone that way, especially those you love.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I like to phrase things in a way that shows SO he's really helping me by doing the things I've asked.He likes being needed so it works for him.
"hey babe it would be such a huge help if you could let the dogs out for me while I'm setting up for dinner"
"sweetie would you mind taking the garbage out for me?"

then when he does the task,he gets smiles and kisses and a big "thanks for helping me my love,you're the best!"


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## Leobwin (Apr 28, 2012)

My DW says, "I didn't know if...." and follows up with something that couldn't be further from my mind, but is the first thing on her mind. Maddening.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I would like you to find something more important to complain about


(see what I did there?)


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## ginger-snap (Apr 10, 2013)

> You could notice the trash needs to go out and just take it and avoid all trash-related discussion.


:thumbup:


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Have you ever thought about taking out the trash without being told to. Believe me, I have learned it makes a difference
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

There very well might come a day where you'd give anything to hear your wife ask you to take the trash out again. Neither of you will be here forever.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Mine says, "Would you like to bring out the trash?" It must be a glimpse of her image of an ideal world where everyone else volunteers to do the distasteful jobs so that she doesn't have to. My reply is usually something like, "How could anyone possibly like taking out the trash?" Then I take out the trash. I should note that it doesn't come up often because I'm on top of the trash situation. It is a stupid way of asking, though. 

There's also another angle to it that I've experienced. I take satisfaction in doing household projects well. I've built decks, patios, walkways, moved walls, rewired, etc. My wife interpreted this to mean that I 'liked' to do them. As in, if you like doing it then it isn't work, and you will be happy doing any old project that I dream up, and I can pretend that I asked you to do a fun thing rather than a hard, sometimes back-breaking thing.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Have some fun with it. Feign hard of hearing and respond "say you wanna suck WHAT??" "Ok, but let me take this trash out first. I'll be right back."


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

The difference to me is did she tell you the trash needs taken out or did she say please take the trash out. If she said please, then you have no argument. My wife always said, would you like to take the trash out? My response was always....that's what I live for dear....lol. Being an old military guy, I always found a duty roster helpful around the house. Then no one had to tell you, it was your job. Growing up on the farm, we all had jobs and it was expected of you to do your job. Jobs were age appropriate, but can start at a very young age.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I can't recall five times I've asked my husband to take the trash out. If I see it full I just do it myself. I could ask him to do the more difficult things, but he's on top of those so it doesn't have to come to my asking. 

I do agree, there is a WAY to request things.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

My wife likes to use the term "Let's", as in "Let's get the trash out tonight." or "Let's open the pool this weekend."

When she says "Let's", it means "You". If I said "Honey, let's get the laundry done this weekend.", to her it would mean "Honey, you haven't done a good enough job doing laundry all week so get it done this weekend."

But as others said (a) recognize the wording for what it is... a request, nothing more and (b) there are so many other things to worry about in a marriage.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Chris Taylor said:


> My wife likes to use the term "Let's", as in "Let's get the trash out tonight." or "Let's open the pool this weekend."
> 
> When she says "Let's", it means "You". If I said "Honey, let's get the laundry done this weekend.", to her it would mean "Honey, you haven't done a good enough job doing laundry all week so get it done this weekend."
> 
> But as others said (a) recognize the wording for what it is... a request, nothing more and (b) there are so many other things to worry about in a marriage.


Exactly my case. If I would say "the baby needs to be changed", she will respond "you think I am sitting and doing nothing? I know, I will do it later" etc. Basically she will see this as an attack or criticizing her. But she uses it all the time.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Women are relational beings while we tend to be rational. Your wife doesn't just want you to take out the trash. She wants you to want to take the trash out; to share with her whatever emotional pain the trash is causing her. My wife asks me crap all the time that she doesn't want a real answer to. "Do you like this color of paint? Do you think the couch would look better over there?" What she really wants is for me to agree that her paint choice is perfect and that I can't wait to move furniture. Any other response is only asking for drama I don't need. "Are you wearing that?" means "please change". Some skirmishes just aren't worth fighting.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> In a world of irritations, your's does seem blissfully mild. I appreciate good manners, too, but correcting those who forget to say "please" isn't using any better manners than the person who forgot. You could notice the trash needs to go out and just take it and avoid all trash-related discussion.
> Not sure how long you've been married, but I notice my wife has adopted some of my mannerisms and language. I expect I've adopted some of her's. If you consistently use great manners, she may eventually follow your example even without you correcting her.


It's not about the please. It's about not direct request. As if I don't do if she asks, so she needs a whole roundabout way to say it.

The "I like this to happen soon" sounds like an army commander telling me what he would like to happen, so I must obey.

"I would like my dinner cooked"

Like, if you want something - say it! If you are asking me, I don't care if you would like or not - I also would like plenty of things and don't get them. If you need help with something, say "can you do xx".

It's not about the please - although that is missing too


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

She's not changing how she asks you. She doesn't care how much it irritates you.

So now what? Are you going to steam over it until the end of time or just let it go? You asked if we thought you were over reacting. I vote yes. It can be your hill to die on, but she doesn't sound interested in making requests the way YOU would like them.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> My wife asks me crap all the time that she doesn't want a real answer to. "Do you like this color of paint? Do you think the couch would look better over there?" What she really wants is for me to agree that her paint choice is perfect and that I can't wait to move furniture. Any other response is only asking for drama I don't need. "Are you wearing that?" means "please change". Some skirmishes just aren't worth fighting.


Why would she want you to lie to her? I'd be unhappy if I asked SO if he liked a certain room arrangement or paint color and he didn't tell me his honest opinion about it.


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

joshbjoshb said:


> I can't stand when my wife says "I would like you to go out and bring XXX" or "the garbage has to be taken out." It always feels like a little kid in class.
> 
> I keep on telling her she can simply ask me "can you" or even "please take out" "please go here" etc.
> 
> Am I overreacting? I just hate those lines. Really.


I dislike this type of speech.

I tell my wife the garbage doesn't have to anything it's an inanimate object. I usually take care of garbage, but if I've overlooked it she knows I only respond to the "can you, or please will you".


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

I absolutely can't believe NO ONE has already brought up that this is talked about in Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus book!

He talks about it by saying that the "can you..." warrants a "no" if the husband doesn't want to. And that's that in his mind. The "would you..." is supposed to be a loving request.

IMO "can you" sounds more like something you are being really told to do. I actually say "would you" to hubz because I think it makes it sound like if he does the thing I am asking, that it is a huge help to me.

Does your W actually say "I would like my dinner cooked" - because that makes it sound like she's the Queen talking to no one in particular


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