# What the hell is going on?



## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

*Am I being used?*

Im almost going on 9 months being pregnant and 3 months since my shocking 6 month anniversary gift of my husband shutting the door on me and telling me "We HAVE to get a divorce." Claiming it was the only way he could survive, that he couldn't handle the pressure of the word 'marriage'.

Yup, it was a total nightmare for me, but he says he thought I didn't care about him anymore. Which I don't understand because every time we had talked prior to that time, every message sent, I said I love you and always expressed concern for him. 

Well, we've been talking for a while now. He still says he loves me, wants to make things work etc. But not married. He says he still wants to get a divorce, and start all over again. Whatever that means. This he told me a while ago. He's really so wishy washy - this from the same guy who told me coldly, "our relationship is at a civil level, for the baby's sake". But since seeing him his coldness has more or less dissipated.
I just went to the doctor and so I had to rely on him to pick me up, and I even stayed with him. Now, Im trying to get my FAFSA and other numerous paperwork done for financial aid type things and last we spoke the divorce was being handled. 
I decide to ask him again while Im there, I say "So how far along are the divorce papers?" He says "Its not. It isn't going anywhere". Then we're interrupted by a phone call. I try to ask why no divorce papers yet and he's avoiding the question majorly. 
So Im left to make my own assumptions. Im wondering if he halted the process because he will have to pay for child support. Or is it because he never really wanted a divorce and is saying he's going through the motions because his mother wants us to divorce. Im so unsure. 
What could he be playing at?? Is he just trying to get close again so he can take my son?
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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

I mean, don't get me wrong, I love my husband but he can be very conniving. I've seen him be so with other people. I am more worried than thrilled that my husband wants to be with me and that the divorce papers haven't progressed. Am I being overly suspicious? I don't know what his motives are and Im scared that if I bite his bait, which I've already started to nibble at (because damn, its hard to let someone go when a few months ago you promised before God, you'd love them forever), I'll just end up being the fool. For once I don't have a gut instinct, its all on my overworking brain. 
How do I play it safe for myself? How do I keep loving him and not let down my guard at the same time? And can I really trust his words? I mean no divorce, but he took his ring off months ago. 
I feel more confused than ever.
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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Sakaye..this is how i feel with H. I doubt every single thing that he tells me ,i always think there is a hidden motive....it's so hard.

Do you think he might take your son ?! It seems he doesn't like responsibilities so much so isn't taking care of a baby/child the biggest responsibility there is. 
Also how is he going to escape to pay child support...one way or another ...even if you stay married you can report that he abandoned you financially and they can still make him pay.At least that is what i know.

I also want to wish you wonderful and safe delivery.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

You need to sit him down and talk to him, and no, you probably can't trust what he says.

He might be slowly changing his mind, he might be confused, he might be using you.


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

I don't know whats going on but he's really warped. He seems like he is torn between doing what HE wants and what his FAMILY wants, but I just can't be sure. Gosh, the trust is so hard once its been broken. But GET THIS!! Yes, it just keeps getting more bizarre!! In the midst of all these problems, he says he wants to have more children with me, and wants to get me pregnant again after this child is born. 
WHAT?!?!?! ARE U F*ING JOKING?!?!
After I found out that he WASN'T joking, I totally flipped my lid. So now, I feel like he's playing nice so I'll have his babies or something. I already told him I'm not having any more kids unless I am with someone who is fully committed, who is with me for the right reasons, and can love ALL of my children, and who is as self sacrificing as I am. And I'm definitely not going to have more children with someone who is hanging divorce over my head, regardless if he's doing anything about it or not.
I just can't believe how twisted he is. Seriously, I really don't know what to make of him. He's been sincere enough, but idk.
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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

He is messed up. People do and say stupid things went hurt and confused. In a messed up way he probably thinks having more kids will make you both happy. I don't know.

In a weird way, I think he still loves and cares for you. Have you suggested IC for him or youself? I always push for getting in MC, but they usually want you both to want to work it out and suggest IC otherwise. MC and IC worked for my story, which is in my profile if you want to check it out.

Just stay strong. This might turn out for the best, but you might end up splitting.


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

Vivea & anx,

Thanks for the responses. It is so very hard to trust him again and take his words at full value. I am going to IC now, and its helping to get through all of this myself. Hard to get MC because we don't live on the same island. I just take it one day at a time. I don't know what to believe anymore. Im not hung up on the hope that we'll get back together or stay married. I have learned through this to keep realistic expectations. So if we did split up, then, his loss. But it will be easier to move on from. 
It is as though we are starting all over again, like re-forming the friendship. I call him, he calls me, we email. But not excessively like before. I think this is healthy for us. Minimal contact for now is good. We both need space, and we had rushed into each other last year and what has happened to us is the repercussion of trying too hard too soon. I love my husband and I will love him always.
We are in, I guess, the stage where our relationship/marriage went from fantasy to reality. And it was a rough and painful transition. 

And thanks Vivea - I hope to have a good quick birth!! Im due the first week of May, but Im already swelling up. I had to take off my wedding rings this morning because of the swollen-ness. I wonder if it will come sooner? Hmm
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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*Re: Am I being used?*



Sakaye said:


> Well, we've been talking for a while now. He still says he loves me, wants to make things work etc. But not married. He says he still wants to get a divorce, and start all over again.


Oh wow. Your situation is very similar to mine in some ways (check my thread out on here - "Looking for advice" http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/22784-looking-some-feedback.html
). The good thing is the D is on hold right now. Are you sure there isn't someone he's involved with which could be causing his confusion? Mine has said all along he wants to be together but wants the D. I told him recently that when D is over, there is no more us. I can't do that to myself knowing I want to be married and he doesn't. Living together and playing house and "girlfriend" doesn't appeal to me after the fact that I've been his wife before. 

I hope it works out for your guys. He is def being confusing!


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

Jellybeans,
Our story is almost similar except there was no affair on my end. Also, you were together way longer than my husband and I was. I can't say for sure on his end, as far as an affair goes. He looks me in the eye and is quite adamant when I ask him. The majority of me believes him, the rest of me is not so sure. With internet and everything, how can I be sure right? I just have to either choose to trust him or not. There's really no gray area there.
However, I know for a fact that the divorce comes from family and not from having a SO on the side. His mother just confessed to me that she didn't believe that I loved her son, and since the day she found out we were married, she had been pushing him every which way to get him to divorce me. Im guessing that after the first 3-4 initial months of that, it started wearing down on him. So he shut her out, but in the process he shut me out too, saying he wanted a divorce and on top of that a paternity test (which I also later found to be because of his family). That was the most hurtful thing in the world and I completely fell apart. 
After talking to his mom, I guess I felt that maybe my H was telling the truth and that there wasn't anyone else in the picture. 
So now, the divorce is only words, completely non-existent. And when I ask him about it, he dodges me. So I'm wondering, does he really not want to get a divorce? Is he just waiting till the baby's born? Or what? Its so emotionally taxing. 
I understand the feeling of going back, like what??? We're gonna go back to bf/gf? Emotionally thats soooo wtf-ish. But I told him I love him, and if thats the level that he'll feel more comfortable at, then I'd be willing to. Because really, we are a young couple, we have not even been together a year, intimately as bf/gf. Although he's been a friend forever.
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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

I have known him, and we've been good friends for a very long time. It just goes to show, good friends becoming lovers definitely need as much time as a couple of people who just met to build and establish a loving relationship, I guess. It was stupid and crazy of us, and a bit whimsical for us to think otherwise.
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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sakaye said:


> I can't say for sure on his end, as far as an affair goes. He looks me in the eye and is quite adamant when I ask him.



I have never met a cheater who admitted to being involved with someone else at the first time they are asked. All cheaters lie. I know because I myself have cheated, unfortunately. I don't know if that's the case for you but I'm just telling you, a lot of times you dn't think someone is cheating and they are. 



Sakaye said:


> His mother just confessed to me that she didn't believe that I loved her son, and since the day she found out we were married, she had been pushing him every which way to get him to divorce me. Im guessing that after the first 3-4 initial months of that, it started wearing down on him.


If he relies on his mother to make life changing decisions, then he has got some bigger issues to work on. That is too bgad his mom doesn't like you but ya know what...not everyone is going to like you in this life. I wouldn't push him on relationship talk right now if you have already asked and he dodged the question. Right now kind of feel out where he is at and go from there. I do wish you luck  Please post on my thread as well if you get a minute.


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