# Bliss is not forever ;o(



## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

In 2006 I met a very nice man online. He was seperated from his then wife. He lived near me and we proceeded to date and have a generally good time He makes me laugh, took care of business, was always available to me, kind, decent, dependable. Not a spend thrift, and some times short on cash due to toher responsibilities. His negatives didn't bother me because I could handle the cost of anything I wanted to do as well as help him out. Three years ago, the courts concluded it was best for his baby daughter to live with him and by extention me, since we were living together by that time. Well, his daughter (a beautifully spirited and special) came in and we made a family. Things were going what I thought well,, but that was only for me. He was resenting the fact that I made him get married two years ago, I was not going to continue with all that I was doing as a girlfriend. He also stated resenting the fact that I had more liquid assets and was doing more to help us move forward. In Feb he told me he was not happy...WTF We talked and I thought we resolved some issues. Guess not...I came home from work one day and he had moved him and his daughter  I was at a loss and deeply hurt, I love them both and want my family to make it through this. He is stubborn now, and can't face me. I am getting a handle on my emotional state with the help of family and friends. I have scheduled counseling for myself and the first appointment is in a week. I can not believe that he was so unhappy that he felt he had to escape. When his car broke down I went to my credit union and got financing to help him get a car. When he left I told him to buy it from me or give it back, because I was not going to have him driving around with other women and what not in a car in my name. He did, parked it in the garage and got on the bus....this man really hated being married  or at least married to me. I miss them and I still love them both, but as days go by I am getting stronger and healthier, and the crying as almost dried up. I read some where to limit your contact and give yourself some months to see where things actually are. I hope this time apart will confirm my love for him and his daughter and we find a way back to one another. But if not, I pray God has a better plan for me.

Just needed to see this in writing. Thanks for taking the time to read.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

With each day that passes, you will get stronger.

I know this is a hard place to be, I don't think any of us want to be here. 

You will get through this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

It sounds like you are handling things extremely well. He obviously has some issues that he needs to work out. Hang in there! Things will improve.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Thank you Blanca,

I pray you are right SOON. I think back and am amazed that I didn't think the problems were that big. In November he started drinking too much beer and it progressed. But I remember coming home and generally being happy just to see him and SD here. I miss that so much, and on days like this it s very upsetting. I look back over pic and see the good times and can't remember the bad. I can talk anything out, but I guess his inabiity to communicate his feeling grew bigger and bigger. He is a cowardly azzhole, but he was there for me. Now I am all alone, and can only imagine that he is having a nice life with someone else and making new memories. Which he probably is not, he hated taking pics with me, and not the most sociable person on earth ;o) This evening has been a very wet one, but I will get it together.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Delinquentgurl, you pray for me and I will pray for you. This is not a easy spot to be in for sure. I can't wait for the day when it will not consume the majority of my day.


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

Sounds tough and very sad but do you really wanna be w/someone who you had to "force" to marry you, or that walked out on you in such a cowardly way?? Imagine the turmoil you would have if you two had children together (besides his child). 
Def go to IC and work on yourself and do this in a very healthy manner, but also know that you don't need a man to be happy, especially one that will walk out on you at any moments notice.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

@ Kathy'sfan, actually the forcing part was pretty easy LOLOL I was a very mature bride ;o) and when I saw my chance I took it. I would do it again. But the fact remains that if you force someone to do something, at some point they will resent it. Even if it is in their best interest. When two people are in a relationship of any kind and they want different things, one is gonna be hurt or disappointed. I thought to myself when should I be the one not getting what I want? I know it sounds selfish, but it is life. I lived a long time without a constant companion, and I know I had good times before, I just can't remember them. I have loved having someone there for me when I went places and did things. I pray that the good times will return to me soon. He is a coward, and so many things that are not pleasing, I can not wait for the time to all the bad memories come to the forefront of my memories. And no I don't want to live wit someone who is so disrespectful that they would shurk their responsibilities for their own insecurities. He is an azzhole of the third level.


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## Duddy (Apr 29, 2011)

Hesnothappy, I'm a professional counselor and behavior consultant. I've worked with hundreds of couples and individuals in my private practice on relationship issues. I agree with others here. From what you've said, it's your partner who has the relationship maintenance skills and communication deficit here. 

It's always good to look at the worst case scenario, which would be that your relationship ends. I'm not saying that's the case right now, but that it's helpful to explore that scenario from a therapeutic perspective. It allows your mind and body to slowly adapt and get healthy again. 

If he ends the relationship, it means a grieving process for you, that you will get through and you will come out of this stronger and emotionally more healthy than before. It takes time and doesn't feel good at first but you must continue to act in spite of your self and continue making healthy choices like you're doing already. 

For example writing (journal-ling is great) and talking about your feelings like you're doing here is wonderful. It enables you to detoxify so to speak, emotionally from what you've been through. 

Social support (primary and secondary) facilitates healthy grieving also. Primary social support means planning regular healthy hang outs (as with all coping strategies -no alcohol/drugs, eating as healthy as you can, sleep sanitization and minimum 8 hours of sleep each night, daily exercise, spiritual practice) with loved ones where you can ask for and receive emotional support and talk about your feelings during grieving. 

Secondary social support is just getting out there and doing healthy social activities where you don't necessarily have to talk about your problems, just to enjoy and sometimes distract yourself.

Getting counseling is great. Check out your insurance and if you work for a company check and see if there is an EAP program that provides free counseling services to employees. 

With EAP counseling you can often gets lots of free high quality counseling by strategically setting up new sets of sessions to deal with new presenting issues. For example, you could start by seeing an EAP counselor to deal with the initial separation. You could then request new sessions to explore grieving and coping strategies. You could then even request couples counseling as a separate file. 

Again, this is so normal what you're feeling and you will be strong and vibrant again through proper grieving and coping. 

The second and of course best-case scenario would be that your partner commits to make the emotional, behavioral and communication changes that every relationship needs to be healthy and strong. This is a very realistic possibility if he agrees to learn and implement new skills and strategies. 

One strategy would be to attend 7-10 sessions of "exploratory" evidence-based couples therapy. I'd recommend EFT (emotion focused therapy) because it is literally the best in the world right now. 

You can do an internet search for Dr. Sue Johnson and go to the EFT main web site for a summary of the research and therapy. Insurance companies love it because it gets great results that last for years after just a handful of sessions. 

To save you from reading books that are not helpful or even harmful (so many of them on the market right now) I also recommend Books and articles by Dr. John Gottman. He's the relationship researcher who proved you can predict divorce based on the criticism/defense/stonewalling/marital contempt, patterns of communication, with close to 100% accuracy. He transforms relationships with simple strategies for changing these patterns of communication. 

There are some great informational videos for both the EFT and Gottman approaches on youtube if you go there and type in their names. I highly recommend Sue Johnson's book "Hold Me Tight" for you and your partner to read as well. 

Saving and maintaining a relationship requires a skill set that sadly we simply are not born with as couples. Relationship maintenance skills need to be practiced like driving a car, until they becomes automatic. People can get hurt if you try to drive without learning how! Sound's like your partner needs some strong teaching and learning around relationship maintenance to me. Yet so many of us do. 

Hang in there, and keep up the great work you're doing. In a few months you will be strong and energized again, if you do! What a great example you've provided for current and future readers who are going through or will go through the difficult process you are right now!

Your Online Marriage Coach,
- Duddy.
( YourOnlineMarriageCoach.com )


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Thank you for the virtual support. You will never know what reading this means at this time. I can not stop crying today, as today is the day I set for looking for a new apartment. I have literally cried for many hours, no matter how hard I have tried. Definitely a set back day. I had gotten a handle on the crying, but being in such an emotional state today is not good. My HMO has psychiatric services as part of the plan, so I will be attending the first appointment next week. I can reason in my mind that even if we proceed to the hardest choice possible, the D-word, I know I can still make it. I was alone and doing me all the way till I was 46 and married at 49. But when I think of how close I came to having the dream situation with my H and how easily he snatched it from me...I get so depressed. Life is not fair, but it is still good. This site shows me that if I continue to rise everyday, my Lord and Savior will ease this pain and the me of being happy will return (and not soon enough for me)


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## TwyztedChyck (Sep 11, 2010)

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I know your pain. Seven years ago my husband left me and our 3 sons for my best friend. They are now married. The pain was the rawest form of crippling torment I have ever known.
I want you to know the crying jags are normal and it does get better. Crying is a natural release, so cry. It's very therapeutic. . 
There is a time and a purpose for everything under the Heavens, and sometimes it's just time to cry. Just as there is a time for night, and then comes the morning. 
Life sometimes drops us on our head when setting us on a different path, but time is a kaleidoscope and the picture you see today is not the picture you will see tomorrow. 
Here is a saying that I read many times through my darkest hours: 
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. ~ Max Ehrmann's 'Desiderata'
I wish you peace, light, and love.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Wow, that was not nice Twyzted, but I am encouraged that you made it through. Thanks for taking a momemt to inspire me to go on, whic is not easy ;o( Life goes on.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Life gets easier and easier every day. Time is the great healer of a broken heart and spirit. Starting to get things in order for the rest of my life.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Was he living with his wife when you hooked up with him? Had he filed divorce?

He does seem very immature. I think you are better off w/o him.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

@ Jellybean, The wife had filed for Divorce 5 months before I even met him. I made sure to see the papers and title of the action and dates. He was living alone, and always available to me...that is one of the reasons I fell in love with him. He wierd! and immature and stubborn, and irrational, stupid.....etc etc ;o)


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Life definitely goes on and things do become easier. It is my prayer that we all find resolve and happiness on this road to where ever we are all going.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You don't need someone like him in your life.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

@ Jellybeans, he thinks so too ;o) But I still miss him ;o(


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What do you miss about him? What do you love about him?


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

His physical presence. His daughter. He was always dependable, and available and until November willing to comply with all my wishes. Was very agreeable, and he had a wonderful dry sense of humor that was always laced with intelligence. He is very tall man, which I love. He was never late (or if he was a few minutes late....he always apologized) Friendly, however not very sociable. A great travel partner. Bascially I miss him being here ;o(


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

I wake up this morning praying that God will create in me a new heart and a renewing of the mind. I don't want to love this man, and I am praying that time will reveal to myself that I will be much better off without him. I still love him today, but I don't want to be able to say this much longer. He did us both a great disservice, but this is life. I have to keep moving forward and setting my sights on things bigger.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

If anyone could give me insight as to why I am still crying so much, I would truly appreciate it ;o) I can not stop, I have a fleeting thought and I am crying. Yesterday I started looking for a smaller place to live and as I drive I am crying, then I go to one apartment and manager notices my ring and asks if this will be just for me and I am crying. WTF is wrong with me? I don't think it is about him as much as it is how I am dreading how my life will be without him. I am praying for a new way to come and come soon. I am going to make myself sick or something.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

I have to find another way to end the crying and perpetual sadness about a situation I can do nothing about. This is not about me, this is all about him and his choices. Love does not act like this.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

im so sorry things are so bad right now  your guy definitely has some issues. sometimes we wrap a lot of our hopes and dreams up in someone who is not exactly stable and it really hurts when they let us down. but its a really good sign that you're crying! i know that sounds horrible but of course what you're going through is going to hurt and its a good sign that you are allowing yourself to hurt. Maybe you should read the stages of mourning since it sounds like that is what you are going through.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Thanks Blanca, I pray you are 100% correct ;o)


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Today should be interesting. I have an appointment with a therapist ;o) I wonder how that is gonna go. I pray she can understand me through the tears LOLOLOL I am feeling I am entering a new stage, hope so. Life is hard and not fair, but it is still good. 

Vanessa


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Let it all out


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Well, my appointment was very interesting. Therapist very sympathetic to my side of the story...which is good, I shared both sides, and the therapist was very understanding of the whys, hows, and not gonna's of my situation. The therapist after the hour was over she called to book another appointment for me and said she wanted me in the crisis slot ;o) I cried a lot, don't know when this will stop. Therapy should prove beneficial.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

The 180 plan is not that hard to follow everyday ;o) I have found a lot of good advice on this site in dealing with the separation from my husband and SD.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Today I woke up full of something, and happiness ain't one of them ;o( I miss being married and having another person in the house. But really what good it another person when they don't want to be here? I have moments of lucid understanding that I have not loss much, he had his issues (as do I) life is just that life and it doesn't wait for anyone. My H is not who I thought he was. I knew he had anti-social behaviors, but he always was available to do what ever, and we would have a good time when together. Sex life became non-existent over the past 5 months, which leads me to believe that there was someone else for him. I didn't push the issue as I am entering the other side and my libido is on hiatus. But I never turned him down when he made his moves. I can't believe it when people don't act in their own best interest based on reality. I need something to do today to get myself out this funk.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

GM,

And here we thought we had problems ;o) Can you imagine it all played out on T.V. like Maria Shriver and the azz-wipe she married ;o( Betrayal knows no boundaries. I on the other hand have entered the next phase....anger ;o) My cowardly lion is just plain stupid, no two ways about it.


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## sadand (Apr 2, 2011)

I woke up this morning with a very heavy heart, knowing there is no way out. My H slept here Sunday night cause kids are home and they don't know. I snuggled him most of the night, cause it is likely the last night I will sleep with this man I have loved for 29 years. How, how, how to go on?? I need to get out of bed to go to a meeting, but I can't figure out how to do it. I pray, meditate, cry, exercise, try not to eat bad food (not doing so good with that one). He left last night because my son went back to his apt., not even a good bye. Its time to tell everyone, I don't even want to think about that part but there is no changing it.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

To a certain extent, I have always been an open person, figured I had nothing to hide (but I know what I want people to know ;o) So, telling people was the least of my concerns. The night the bastid left I called my family first and they came over, the next day in between crying I told everyone that I felt connected to...and it snowballed from there. You have nothing to be shame of, it's not your decision, and we can not be in charge of another adult person's decision. Tell your people in the most comfortable setting you can find and not make it too big of a deal. People are more used to separation of marriages than giving birth, sadly. This is a beautiful raining day (California) and you can make a decision to get up and put on your make up and be a part of it. You have so much to live for and you might as well pick today to start living again ;o) It is a decision that we all make hundreds of times each day.


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## sadand (Apr 2, 2011)

I did it. Not my best day so far, but here I am. I worry, irrationally probably, that people are going to press me to tell them the reason for the separation and I don't want to do that. I am planning to say that I did not want it and I am heartbroken, but I don't want H to be a bad guy, there is no coming back from that for the kids or family members. My heart still looks at him and sees the kids we were, he has great legs, still makes my heart jump. I am so sad for both of us that he can't see any other way out. Thanks for the encouragement


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ Sad, I can understand your fear but don't let it rule your life.

You don't have to say anything you don't want. You can simply say "It just didn't work out" or "We wanted different things" (which you do cause hello he wants out of the marriage and you wanted to save it) or however elseyou want to word it. You don't have to badmouth him and it will look better if you don't (sounds like you had no intention of that either way).


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

LOL @ Jellybean, but you are absolutely correct. I find it funny that people are so wrapped up in their own stuff, that they really are not paying you too much attention ;o) For the most part, people will be sympathetic with you during this time. Sadand, I am so glad to read you got up and you are participating in life. Tomorrow, same thing for all of us ;o)


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Everyday truly does get better and clearer as to my value as a person and a wife who truly loved, but it was not return in true fashion. I can accept that now and know that I was duped, but I was true to who I am. I will love again, hopefully ;o) Everyone go out and have a good day, even if the sun is not shinning in your area, let the sun shine in your spirit.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

But true evil never dies.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yes, you will love again. 
Just be glad he's out of your life so you could really see him for who he was. Carry on!


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

For some crazy reason, as I was coming home I stopped to get me something to eat and got sad ;o( I missed coming home to a family. Then as I opened my emails, as friend had sent me a link to a song that made me feel better. It is a christian song, so don't open if you would take offense. But the song is speaking to so many of us in our individual situations.

YouTube - ‪Smokie Norful - Don't Quit‬‏


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Moving forward in a new direction. Not going where I thought, but it still will be a good journey going the new way.


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## sadsuzy (May 15, 2011)

Hesnothappy, what happened with your condo? I'm worried cause if I cannot take my name off of the lease what will happen? Any exceptions in apt complexes when in comes to divorce?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

I put together a letter of intent to pay, and had him sign it and scan it back to me stating that he will pay his share to me (I have paid the entire sum) on July 10 after he gets his money from his thrift plan. If I don't get it I will sue him for that plus penalties. You probably won't be able to take his name off the lease till it concludes and you try to extend the lease if you want to. Get everything in writing with signatures. If it's not written down,he didn't say it.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Wow, and if you break the lease, they will take all the deposit and maybe more. Try to get what ever he says in writing.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

What's that I see over there....oh that is a rainbow, wonder what is at the end of it for me? A pot of happiness, that's what! two months down and forever to go for me. I will not be defined as a loser because a loser didn't know how to love me right. Have a wonderful day one and all!


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## sadsuzy (May 15, 2011)

hesnothappy:

YOU ARE WONDERFUL. 

THANKS FOR YOUR LAST UPDATE. 

GAVE ME STRENGTH. 

MADE ME SMILE.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

@ Suzy, thanks for stopping by. We got this thing and we will work it to death. We can not be limited by the disappointments of love gone bad. I wake up with the anticipation that life will be fine without a man who deceived me into thinking he was nice. There is a lot of living to be done, and I am going to be busy living it ;o)


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

I have felt better in the past, yesterday for no reason....I got very sad over the entire situation. Still NC, and I still miss my SD. I will be so glad when the emotional rollercoaster comes to an end. He is the loser here, and I am the Winner.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Still on the rollercoaster ;o( one day bad and two days good ;o) Life is moving along, so hopefully this will be behind me soon. Going to have a wonderful day to day, spa appointment for a massage and some quiet time being pampered. Everyone keep your head up, one day this pain will be all over.


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