# Percentage of men rooting for counseling over divorce



## tamdesp

My wife and I were seeking marriage counseling until a few months ago she stopped going, saying it is not a good experience for her. I have suggested that she find a counselor of her choice, but she is not willing. I am continuing to seek counseling since the heavylifting of making our marriage work is taking a toll on me and the counseling helps me stay focused. 
I know I will get asked, so Yes, she did have an affair over a year ago, but i am 100% confident it ended a year ago. Yes, she does not love me any more.

I have been reading several forums and noticed that most of the time men are not the ones who seem to initiate marriage counseling. Which makes me think that a) there is something seriously wrong with my wife or b) its a lost cause

Or maybe I am wrong in my statistical observation. Among couples seeking counseling, what percentage of men initiate counseling?


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## GusPolinski

tamdesp said:


> My wife and I were seeking marriage counseling until a few months ago she stopped going, saying it is not a good experience for her. I have suggested that she find a counselor of her choice, but she is not willing. I am continuing to seek counseling since the heavylifting of making our marriage work is taking a toll on me and the counseling helps me stay focused.
> I know I will get asked, so Yes, *she did have an affair* over a year ago, but i am 100% confident it ended a year ago. Yes, *she does not love me any more.*
> 
> I have been reading several forums and noticed that most of the time men are not the ones who seem to initiate marriage counseling. Which makes me think that a) there is something seriously wrong with my wife or b) its a lost cause
> 
> Or maybe I am wrong in my statistical observation. Among couples seeking counseling, what percentage of men initiate counseling?


Respectfully, you're having the wrong conversation, and w/ the wrong person(s); you should be talking about the dissolution of your marriage w/ a divorce attorney instead of talking about your marriage w/ a marriage counselor or anyone here.


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## Dogbert

How is the answer going to help you to restore your marriage?


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## MachoMcCoy

Dogbert said:


> How is the answer going to help you to restore your marriage?


Right?

She doesn't love you. MC isn't going to change that.


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## arbitrator

*When both of my XW's so aptly proves to to me that they are both just as good at being liars as they are cheaters, then MC would largely be off of the table and completely out of the window! *


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## 2ntnuf

It's possible she does love you, but now, in a way that is more sibling love or friendly love. It's really tough to get the kind of love you want to come back. There are a few threads here that discuss that, but not many. It may be easier and more fruitful to see an IC for yourself and an attorney for the dissolution. 

It's not impossible for her to find that love again. It's just really unlikely that it will ever come back in a satisfactory manner. You have to figure that she won't love you the same as she did. Sometimes that's good. You have the past to compare to as an ideal and therefore you must realise it won't be like that. It's really tough. You would both have to change. Some have done it.


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## 2ntnuf

That's a pretty good article lila posted. I looked at it briefly. 

I did not look up what was an easy googel search. Not all will find such a good article, though. 

I did ask for counseling after I knew x2 had cheated. She would not admit and I had no proof to hold her to my gut and some pretty good evidence I had with my eyes and ears. She went as I requested. I told her I would go after she addressed any issues she had(infidelity, why, etc., etc.) Never spelled that out, but I don't see an issue with her realising she could ask. She really didn't. I figured she would talk with me, and she did talk with me for some time. She eventually stopped all conversation, likely ordered by the counselor, from what I have gathered from my counselor in the recent past. I went to two(?) sessions with her and then she left. I was under duress and the counselor just accused and blamed me with a whole bunch of stuff that I had no idea was coming, but could all have been addressed and the separation made much easier. The counselor was experienced with my own mother and a few sessions with me from long before I met my second wife. Little did I know she had no intention of giving us a chance. 

Be careful what you wish for. Go to counseling for yourself. Don't ask her to go until you have gone. You really can only change yourself and have no right to expect your wife to change. You do have a right to end the marriage, if you are not happy with it. That's another reason why I didn't look anything up.


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## Deejo

Attended marriage counseling twice in seven years, each time for about a year. 

I initiated both.

We are no longer married. I'm happy. She's happy.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.


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## Dogbert

OP feel free to disregard my question but why create the thread here in this forum and not the CWI forum?


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## Deejo

Dogbert said:


> OP feel free to disregard my question but why create the thread here in this forum and not the CWI forum?


Optimism. Hope.

And the feedback tends to be a bit less vitriolic.


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## EleGirl

Your question was answered so I have another for you now.

Is your wife willing to work on your marriage outside of marriage counseling?


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## tamdesp

Folks, thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my inquiry. Based on the responses, it doesnt seem like its unnatural for men to seek counseling first. 

Here's my story. After her affair, I initiated the counseling sessions to which she hesitatingly joined. The counseling sessions were used by her to vent and not work on our marriage. we had to stop the sessions since we were to travel to attend her sister's wedding. After returning, she declined to go saying that it was not a good experience for her. Nor would she do anything outside of counseling to work on our marriage. We just live together with our kid, but hardly do anything as a family. 

I suggested divorce, but she doesnt seem sure about getting a divorce right now. Her biggest concern is sharing parenting time with me. She seems to be comfortable with the situation and does not want to think about our future together. At home, she is visibly displeased with me all the time. I try my best to keep pleasing her and ensure that I provide for all of us and be the best father. I think I may have fallen out of love with her, but i really dont want a divorce, but this situation frustrates me, so i have started going to counseling by myself to keep my sanity.


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## anonfrank

She has said she doesn't love you and that she is unwilling to do the work necessary to improve the marriage. I don't think you just "suggest" divorce, just lawyer up and do it. You can't live the rest of your life with someone who doesn't like you, has no respect for you, and doesn't want to be around you.

I wish you luck in your endeavors.


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## Married but Happy

b) it's a lost cause.

I'm in favor of counselling when it may do some good. If it can't (or the spouse is resistant), or it fails, divorce is a good option. Many marriages with problems really aren't worth the effort to save. Save for what? More misery, most likely. Cut your losses and move on. You may well find a much better relationship if you've learned anything from past experience.


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## woundedwarrior

Sadly, if she admits to not loving you and no desire to work on the marriage, in or out of counseling, then there isn't anything left to hope for? I will say that the longer your child is subjected to seeing you two act as virtual strangers, it will damage him or her.

"If there is no gas in the car & she doesn't ever plan on getting any, then the car will never run". I thought this quote was applicable.


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## Thor

tamdesp said:


> I suggested divorce, but she doesnt seem sure about getting a divorce right now. Her biggest concern is sharing parenting time with me.


So staying together is all about her? She gets to spend more time with the kids if you stay together. She gets the benefits of your help with parenting, housework, and of course your income. She has none of the downside of divorce such as being marked as a cheater who caused the end of her marriage, having to provide financially for herself, etc.

Where are you in all of this? Do you want to stay in this marriage as it is today? Ignoring the kid issues, is this marriage today good enough to stay in it forever? If not, get out. I say that as someone who stayed for the kids.

By going ahead with the divorce process you also have a chance of waking her up. She may decide to get serious about MC. She may have some true regret for her actions, and she may learn to be a better spouse. She may agree to MC. Or, she may not. In which case you get your freedom to have your own life again.

Do you live in an alimony state? Do you know how it works? Do you know how child support would work for you two? Chances are the longer you stay together the worse things get for you.


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## sisters359

Thor said:


> So staying together is all about her? She gets to spend more time with the kids if you stay together. She gets the benefits of your help with parenting, housework, and of course your income. She has none of the downside of divorce such as being marked as a cheater who caused the end of her marriage, having to provide financially for herself, etc.
> 
> Where are you in all of this? Do you want to stay in this marriage as it is today? Ignoring the kid issues, is this marriage today good enough to stay in it forever? If not, get out. I say that as someone who stayed for the kids.
> 
> By going ahead with the divorce process you also have a chance of waking her up. She may decide to get serious about MC. She may have some true regret for her actions, and she may learn to be a better spouse. She may agree to MC. Or, she may not. In which case you get your freedom to have your own life again.
> 
> Do you live in an alimony state? Do you know how it works? Do you know how child support would work for you two? Chances are the longer you stay together the worse things get for you.


When I see responses like this, I'm reminded that few people seem to understand what putting children first means. 

"She gets what she wants"? How about, they *both* get more time with their child/ren, they both get more help with parenting and all that goes with it; they both get a shared income. 

Divorcing simply to "punish" a wayward spouse (male or female) is childish and wrong, when children are involved.

Divorcing b/c you want something more than a life of shared parenting, that's a different matter. The gentleman here sounds like he has good reason to want more--his wife treats him badly. If she treated him kindly but wasn't in love with him anymore, maybe he could see sticking it out until their kid(s) grew up some. 

OP, make your decision based on what you think is best for you and your child. Leave the pettiness aside, if you can. I know it isn't easy, but it can be done, and you will do a lot less damage to your kids if resentment isn't your motivation. You cannot make her a better person, perhaps, but you can make a huge difference in your child's life by handling it with grace and poise. Good luck, whatever you decide.


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## 2ntnuf

> If she treated him kindly but wasn't in love with him anymore,...


I believe there is no marriage left, since it was originally based on love. What is best for the children is opinion when there is no love. There are many factors to be considered and each will have to decide for themselves. Kindness is what would be best after divorce, to show the children how two divorced parents should treat each other. If there is no love, the children will likely learn that it's alright to marry someone you don't love. Children learn by example as well as from books. Actually, learning kindness when faced with such difficult realities seems more important and better for the children than denying yourselves happiness and teaching them that this is what marriage should be. Actions will speak louder than words that tell them, don't do what I did. We stayed together for you. That's placing blame on the children for the unhappiness of the parents. They don't need that. That's not fair to them.


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## Thor

sisters359 said:


> When I see responses like this, I'm reminded that few people seem to understand what putting children first means.
> 
> "She gets what she wants"? How about, they *both* get more time with their child/ren, they both get more help with parenting and all that goes with it; they both get a shared income.
> 
> Divorcing simply to "punish" a wayward spouse (male or female) is childish and wrong, when children are involved.


I think you completely missed the context of my comment. OP only talked about what his wife wanted, not what he wanted. He is leaving the decision totally up to her. He is putting what he thinks her wishes are ahead of himself. She certainly gets a lot of benefits if they stay married, including financial support and more than 50% parenting time. She apparently gets to keep her AP, too, if OP is not willing to leave the marriage under any circumstances.

He needs to consider what he thinks about the situation, and what he wants out of it. Then he should pursue whatever it is. If his priority is to keep married no matter what until the kids leave the house, he can try that. If he wants to get away from his wife, he can pursue that. Whatever parenting arrangement he wants, he should pursue that.


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