# Please help



## taekwondogirl0821 (Jul 21, 2011)

Ok I'm going to get right out and say it I'm married and we're expecting our first child together in March.My husband work 8:30-5 and doesn't get home until 5:30 but we live with his family so we don't get any alone time until 10 minutes before bed. Anyway One of my problems is that his mom is verbally abusive towards me and alot of the time he just takes whatever it is she says and beleives it. It causes alot of fights. Also he never wants to hear where I'm coming from on things. He takes me to see my mom and grandma(who I was super close to before everything)once every other week. But yet he doesn't underdstand I miss them and would love to see them more.I'm just wondering if I should leave or if I should stay for our baby's sake


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

How long have you been married?

I`m thinking the majority of your troubles would be gone if you guys simply got your own place.


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## taekwondogirl0821 (Jul 21, 2011)

We've been married 4 mths today.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Ok, don`t leave him just yet lets see if you can salvage something here.


As I said before your biggest problem seems to be your living arrangements.
If you weren`t always dealing with your MIL on a daily basis in her home the vast majority of these problems would magically disappear...yes?

This gives you your first goal.

1. Get your own place and the two of you move out of his moms house.

Now I know you`re going to say this isn`t financially possible but I`m telling you if it doesn`t happen soon you`ll be moving out anyway without your husband.

You guys also sound very young, what are your ages?

The youth problem is that he probably doesn`t have much experience with the give and take compromises needed to make a long term relationship work.

You are going to have to be the grown up here.
You need to sit down with him and tell him you need to talk about a subject that are going to upset him but you need him to be calm, rational, and understanding.
Then start in on the problem.
Use a lot of "I" phrases to avoid him getting all defensive and shutting down or getting angry.

Don`t say...

"YOUR mother is driving me nuts and YOU don`t stand up for me and I can`t take the way YOU make me feel".

Do say...

I am not comfortable here in this house as ( MIL`s name)(don`t say "YOUR mother") stresses me out and I need more support from you(That ones ok as it`s not accusatory)as I`m carrying OUR baby and it`s a lot of pressure on me at a time when I should be able to feel secure in OUR environment.

Talk to him about the resources needed to get the hell out of there.
Talk about a possible time frame for getting the hell out of there.

Do all of this in a gentle, rational, calm, manner.

If he starts to get upset ask him to please not get mad at you because this is a subject WE need to talk about because it`s really difficult for me right now.

Try this before you do anything but I will tell you that as a husband no one comes before my wife.
No one speaks ill of her in front of me.
No one dares abuse her with my knowledge

Even if she is wrong I have her back, I may later get her alone in the bedroom and ask her "What the hell did you think you were doing?' but I never, ever undermine her in from of anyone else nor do I allow anyone to give her an ounce of **** in front of me.

If your husband can`t eventually get on board with putting you first and foremost, especially with his family you will never make it.
But that`s a project you can work on after this living arrangement has been fixed.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

:iagree:Great post, Takoma!


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## taekwondogirl0821 (Jul 21, 2011)

Thanks this helps I'll try it.


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