# Can we really move on?



## DeeM (Nov 16, 2013)

Hi I'm new, really confused and need help.

Husband and I have been together 14yrs and married for 9yrs and we have a beautiful little girl.

I found out that my husband had been using a married dating website, after finding emails and photos etc. To cut a long story short he was talking to women and has admitted meeting up with one. This was going on for almost a year and a half.

He says he is full of remorse, apologises etc etc, says he loves me and only wants me, wants us to work it out etc etc.

We are trying to work through things but Im finding it really hard. I feel worthless, how can anyone who loves me cheat on me? I dont trust him in any way, cant even look him directly in his eyes, cant bear him touching me. I know deep inside that I love him but I am not currently IN LOVE with him. Are these normal feelings?

It makes me feel physically sick thinking of everything we have done and gone through over the last year and a half now knowing he was seeing this woman.

He says Im not trying to fix things as I dont seem interested and thats maybe the truth. I wonder constantly if I would not be happier alone as when hes not here I dont miss him. If anything, Im happier when not around him, I dread coming home but am scared of this marriage failing and being a failure.

I know I am currently making him miserable and that things have not been right between us for a few years but I never thought he would cheat on me(especially as he has done this before in his previous marriage and knows the consequences).

I always told myself that if anyone ever cheated on me that things would be over but we have so much to lose, I just dont know whether I actually can stay with him though as my gut tells me to move on. Im so angry, hes asked if I want him to move out, I want to say yes but think the right thing is for us to stay and try and work through things. 

Any advice is appreciated xx


----------



## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

DeeM said:


> I know I am currently making him miserable and that things have not been right between us for a few years but I never thought he would cheat on me(especially as *he has done this before in his previous marriage* and knows the consequences).
> 
> I always told myself that if anyone ever cheated on me that things would be over but we have so much to lose, I just dont know whether I actually can stay with him though as *my gut tells me to move on*.


He has shown you who he really is.....a repeat cheater. Listen to your gut.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Lie detector.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You have a right to feel the way you do. But you need to realize that ....

*he CHOSE to signup on that website
*he CHOSE to signup put out a profile detailing what he was looking for
*he CHOSE to meet someone through that site
*he CHOSE to engage in extra-marital sex 

And he used resources that should have gone to the family:.....

*time he could have spent with his child strengthening the bonds
*time he could have spent with you strengthening the marriage 
*money that could have been better spent - even if it was just to charities

How did YOU fail? 

He should be the one who should be ashamed to look you in the eye. 

If you don't already 'keep the books' for the family - you need to start. Keep an eye on your bank accts and credit cards. It's not beneath this husband of yours to abscond with cash. 

Take some time for yourself. Tell him you need time to decide if you're willing to struggle with trying to remain in the marriage. But that if you decide to do it - he'll have to pull more than his weight.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Please read the leading post from the poster "Just Grinding" I think you may be able to relate to his feelings. Here's the link:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/74737-you-re-sorry.html
















.


----------



## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> If you don't already 'keep the books' for the family - you need to start. Keep an eye on your bank accts and credit cards. It's not beneath this husband of yours to abscond with cash.


I would also recommend running a credit report. I had a major panic attack when I checked my stbxh's.


----------



## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

DeeM, 
Are you in any kind of counseling? May I suggest IC for you, and if you want to MC too. IC for your own sanity, and MC to figure out if this relationship is over.


----------



## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

Can we really move on?

No, not together.


----------



## DeeM (Nov 16, 2013)

Thanks for the replies.

Today has been a good day but no matter how good the day has been the doubts and thoughts continue to go round in your head.

He has control of everything, joint account, my phone account, everything. Im going to open a personal bank account this week to start putting money aside. Money is a huge thing also as in arguments he has mentioned that I don't know anything about what he has tucked away - Ive been a complete idiot letting him rule me and things are going to change!

I have thought about counselling, in the first instance for myself only just to try and establish how I'm feeling and how I move on either together or apart.

Im just so damn confused. Some days, like today, I think we can work through it this is worth saving and then in the space of ten seconds he can change everything. He can open his mouth and say the smallest comment and this can be the one thing that sets off a chain reaction and I lose the plot!

Im not saying he's the only bad person here. Although I have never and would never cheat I can admit the relationship has not been right for a few years but as mentioned previously we've been through alot. Intimacy has definitely been lacking in our relationship and this has been for a number of years, mostly from my part as I feel I have just lost my "zing" so to speak. Talking to most of my friends this appears normal for a marriage and something that most couples seem to go through but to him, he has felt rejected etc so I do feel somewhat it takes two to cheat although this never forgives the action.

I sound like I am trying to give reasons for his cheating and I know there is no excuse, I'm just honest.

Thanks again for your help and suggestions, I will follow up with counselling and let you know progress/developments. In the meantime I'm definitely looking after number one and my little ray of sunshine ;-).

xxx


----------



## DeeM (Nov 16, 2013)

Thanks again x


----------



## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

DeeM said:


> I'm not saying he's the only bad person here. Although I have never and would never cheat I can admit the relationship has not been right for a few years but as mentioned previously we've been through a lot. *Intimacy has definitely been lacking in our relationship and this has been for a number of years, mostly from my part as I feel I have just lost my "zing" so to speak.* Talking to most of my friends this appears normal for a marriage and something that most couples seem to go through but to him, he has felt rejected etc so I do feel somewhat *it takes two to cheat *although this never forgives the action.


D,

You did not make your H cheat. He consciously, willingly made that choice all on his own. 

You speak about a lack of Intimacy... Don't you think that your H focus on other women while conducting his affairs had a direct effect on Intimacy. He's justifying... don't play into this. 

BTW, you state that this has been going on a couple of years... It did not start instantly... He checked out long before that with his thoughts of other women.


----------



## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

If you are married you have control over him too. It is not a joint account if both your names are on it.

It is both of your phones. Don't forget that.

Opening a yours only account is a good step.

You need to be strong sister. Don't be confrontational but be strong. You are not here because this is your fault. You are here because you married a wanker. He is using the 'control' because he is afraid you will leave. The decision to stay and try to R or D is yours and yours alone.

This issue is not yours to fix. It is his. I wish you all the luck. God Bless!


----------



## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

> He has control of everything, joint account, my phone account, everything. Im going to open a personal bank account this week to start putting money aside. Money is a huge thing also as in arguments he has mentioned that I don't know anything about what he has tucked away - Ive been a complete idiot letting him rule me and things are going to change!


Dee:

If your husband has been hiding marital assets that is abusive and possibly criminal. 

Talk to an attorney ASAP to learn your rights, so you can unload some of your financial concerns. 

The attorney can freeze the accounts and order funds be used to hire a forensic accountant to ferret out the hidden money he has hinted about. 

As for feeling worthless: No one can make you feel worthless about you but you. Don't do that to yourself. 

Many extremely attractive, famous people have been cheated on.



DeeM said:


> Thanks for the replies.
> 
> Today has been a good day but no matter how good the day has been the doubts and thoughts continue to go round in your head.
> 
> ...


----------



## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

He is a repeat cheater. Detach and seek legal advice ASAP.

Very sorry.


----------



## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Please run credit reports and see an attorney. As for opening a separate bank account it helps but only to an extent. 

In my state all assets are looked at as community property (with few exceptions). So a safety deposit box with cash in your name might be safer. I found out that my inheritance was considered "mine" but everything else was on the table. It was actually an empowering feeling to know what was what in the eyes of the law if things don't work out. Sad but at least I knew.


----------



## DeeM (Nov 16, 2013)

Hi all, update from me...

Well, I have an appointment with bank tomorrow and hoping they will help. We are trying to lead a 'normal' life for the sake of our young daughter but in reality things are very strained.

He has tried a couple of times to come close to me and my natural instinct is to reject his advances and this makes him very upset and obviously clearly feels hurt and rejected but I simply cannot bring myself to be in any way intimate or affectionate towards him.

He confronted me the other night and asked why I was not trying to patch things up... I broke down. Explained that I was dong all I could to even bring myself to looks him and be around him let alone try and live normally and pretend everything day to day is okay.

I find myself constantly thinking inside that this relationship will not last, I do not believe I can bring myself to forgive him, it just isn't there. He announced two nights ago that he had gone ahead and booked a major holiday for next year for the three of us, I couldn't believe it! We had spoken about it and I had suggested we leave it for a little while given current situation but he's taken it upon himself to ignore and carry on. Just bizarre! Then he actually wanted me to be happy about it and thank him ???

He is really really trying to make me happy and keep the peace but in doing this is making me feel even more distant and uncomfortable.

I do feel as if I am on a roller-coaster, one that has fast scary turning moments, dips that make your stomach churn and sudden braking points that make you grab anything in site to keep your sanity and top you from breaking down every minute of every day.

I've searched around for counselling but looks like I will have to pay so struggling with that also.

The thought of every week being like the last week upsets and worries me and now Im not sleeping again, suffering with exhaustion and sleep deprivation. I'm also finding that I've started comfort eating or some days not eating, Im just all over the place.

My daughter keeps me going otherwise I don't know what I would do, buts its just so damn hard to keep smiling through the pain.

:-(

Sorry if Im rambling, having a bad day ;-(


----------



## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

I'm sorry you are going through this. 

From what I read he doesn't want you to be happy, he wants to stay in control. If he gave a flying fig what you feel...well, you can probably fill in the blanks. 

He wouldn't ignore how you feel and commandeer a vacation you asked him NOT to book right now. He wants gratitude?

You seem to be worried about $ a vacation is nice. But therapy would be better (of course it's no fun)

How is a cheater still in control of the $$$ ? I'm calling BS on that. 

You need him to stop pushing his agenda. 

I'm sorry your post pushes some buttons for me. I guess because I took great comfort in knowing and having control over money (and my future with or without H) so it really chaps my @ss that he's pulling this and you're exhausted, and reeling.

Is there any way to call around to some therapists to find one that will see you on a sliding fee scale? My therapist will see some patients for free or very little. I know many work like this. 

Is it possible to start telling your WH your terms? I'd work on setting the relationship up to be a bit more equal. 

Maybe I'm off base, you just seem to be hurting.


----------

