# Help!



## Brisangelbaby (Oct 11, 2018)

*Hello*

Hi, I decided to post on here because I feel like i am no longer sexually attracted to my husband of a year. We have been together 7 years and don’t really have sex anymore (my issue). I want to try and get that back with him before I seek it with someone else!


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## Brisangelbaby (Oct 11, 2018)

Hi, I decided to post on here because I feel like i am no longer sexually attracted to my husband of a year. We have been together 7 years and don’t really have sex anymore (my issue). I want to try and get that back with him! I recently met someone who makes me happy and I can’t stop thinking about him, but I still am in love with my husband! I am sexually attracted to this new guy! Help


So... with all of this I should add that I’m not with him for money or anything. We have no kids. he does work 2 full time jobs as well as I work 1part time and 1 full time. I have done my best to work my schedule around his so we both have off together. So far that isn’t really working out. If we do have off together I will come home from one job and find him already sleeping and not really showing me he cares. For me I feel like there is no romance. I honestly don’t remember the last time we had a good home cooked meal together. So I’m stuck. I have talked to my husband and he said he would try and work on things which is great! I just hope things can get back to the way they were years ago when we weren’t stuck in the same routine.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Brisangelbaby said:


> Hi, I decided to post on here because I feel like i am no longer sexually attracted to my husband of a year. We have been together 7 years and don’t really have sex anymore (my issue). I want to try and get that back with him! I recently met someone who makes me happy and I can’t stop thinking about him, but I still am in love with my husband! I am sexually attracted to this new guy! Help


What is the issue that makes you refuse to have sex with your new husband. Is it a case of buyers remorse,bait and switch or familiarity breeding contempt. 
Please tell him you are at the least having an emotional affair with another man and you want it to turn physical.Let him move on to find someone who can give him the love and respect he is entitled to. 
You don’t seem like marriage material to me,you are self centered,disloyal and frivolous.If you are older than twenty I would be surprised.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

If you have only been married a year and you are already depriving your husband of 6 and say you are not attracted to him, the kindest thing you can do for him is to divorce him and let him find a woman who will love him.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

*Re: Hello*



personofinterest said:


> If you have only been married a year and you are already depriving your husband of 6 and say you are not attracted to him, the kindest thing you can do for him is to divorce him and let him find a woman who will love him.


Read her other thread,she allready has another guy lined up.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Brisangelbaby said:


> Hi, I decided to post on here because I feel like i am no longer sexually attracted to my husband of a year. We have been together 7 years and don’t really have sex anymore (my issue). I want to try and get that back with him! I recently met someone who makes me happy and I can’t stop thinking about him, but I still am in love with my husband! I am sexually attracted to this new guy! Help


How would you feel if your husband said, "My wife won't have sex with me, and I have met someone who makes me happy (think about new girl all the time) and I feel guilty because i want the new woman?" Answer that question.

Your husband can't be ok with the current situation in your marriage. Sounds like he is mostly a habit to you now.

Are there children or other important factors we need to know? Marriage is about more than feelings--takes a lot of work, sacrifice, and dedication. Are you invested enough in the marriage to do the reboot?


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

The kindest thing you can do for your husband is to divorce year. 1st you deprive him of sets, and now you are cheating on him. It's time to end this marriage and allow him to find a woman who will love him.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I just saw that period that just confirms what I said and initially. She's depriving him and she's already cheating. There is nothing here to save Except to save him from years of misery.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

I'm not going to make any snarky comments, I'm not going to sugar coat it. Just going to let you know if you are still here, the honest truth.

If you have already devoted effort and your mind to the other guy, there is nothing that really can be done to save your marriage on it's current path. You will start to see more faults in your husband, that you weren't right for each other, not compatible and any effort he makes to 'win you over' will actually make him less appealing and attractive to you. It will start to feel like the other guy was right for you all along, you will see all of his attractive qualities, etc. 

You going to get more advice here and you are going to start to think, well we don't know you, we don't know the situation so how could we understand? Unfortunately, your story is one of millions that all start and end the same way. With misery for your husband now and MUCH more misery for YOU later.

If you love your husband, you will break ALL contact with the other man, you will tell him (Husband) how you feel and you will go to counseling to work on it together. If you even just talk, email, see the other guy, again ... there's nothing that can be done to stop this current trainwreck that seems like fate to you now but will end up as fatal later. 

https://livingwithlimerence.com/2017/11/22/the-three-phases-of-limerence/


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Well I guess that shows that marriage doesn't fix relationship problems. I would like to know more of the history. It isn't spelled out here, so what exactly is your issue with sex?


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## azimuth (May 15, 2018)

*Re: Hello*



Brisangelbaby said:


> Hi, I decided to post on here because I feel like i am no longer sexually attracted to my husband of a year. We have been together 7 years and don’t really have sex anymore (my issue). I want to try and get that back with him before I seek it with someone else!


What does a marriage mean to you? What were you thinking when you said your vows to your husband on your wedding day that was only a year ago? It seems like you think you can just flit from man to man without consequence for yourself, or thinking how it will affect others. Let's say you go through with cheating - what do you think is going to happen to your marriage? You're going to lose your husband, who made a lifetime vow to you, and you'll be left with what? Some stranger you banged who'll be on to the next after he got what he wanted from you. You've been with your husband for seven years and you're just now discovering that you're not attracted to him?? If you care at all about your husband, then you need to drop the other guy now and put 1000% into your marriage. Or alternately, since you're already in this mindset which is horribly cruel and selfish, let him go and file for divorce. He deserves someone who loves and is attracted to him, and who doesn't want to cheat on him.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

*Re: Hello*

Cake eating....

Claims lack of sexual attraction, but is just justifying extramarital dalliances.....

I agree with POI, divorce amicably and let the guy have a life to share with someone who is truly invested in a relationship.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

*Re: Hello*

There are two simultaneous threads going here on same topic......

Hello and Help.....


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

I hate when people get into marriage with a TV view of the way the relationship is supposed to go....

Yet they claim "love"...Honestly, this one here has poor boundaries, unrealistic expectations and the morality lacking narcissism. 

I agree with others....Let the husband go. You need the C*ck carousel, not marriage. You just need the hubby for what again? Money, security? You obviously don't love and respect him...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

So this is probably one of the most important moments in your life. It's going to shape the rest of it. First of all you should know being attracted to others when you are married is pretty common and normal. It doesn't mean something is wrong with your love for him, your marriage. 

Some people get the idea that once you fall in love with someone you never are attracted or desire other people ever again. I think this is because when you first get with someone and the feelings of attraction for them are SO STRONG they tend to block out any attraction. But with time the intensity and the newness of the relationship goes away and YES that happens in every relationship, you will have feelings of attraction for other people. 

The truth is you can have relationships with any number of people and this idea that there is one person you are destined to be with is just bull****. But understand even if you were with anther person you would probably still end up at this place at least as far as the attraction part. This is life. Part of that is being mature enough to deal with that responsibly. 

There is a much greater reason not to cheat. If you do it will change your life forever, it will change his life forever and it will change you forever. You will cause someone who loves you probably the worst pain that they can feel in their life. It is akin to rape, and in fact I have read many post from people who have unfortunately had both experiences who say that infidelity is worse, or at least the same. It's clearly a terrible form of abuse. Once you are a cheater you can never change that status in your life. 

I suggest if you are seriously considering this you owe it to yourself and your future to at least spend a few days reading SurvivingInfidelity.com Read the post from the folks who just found out. I mean read them, think about the words coming from your husband, think about the person who did it being you. Try to remember how you felt about him when you first got together. THIS will be a very big part of the action and your life if you decide to cheat. It won't just be exciting lust and sex. Then read the section from the cheaters or waywards at they call them. None of them seem to have gotten out of it what you think you are going to. Most of them grow to really regret it, but at that point it's too late. 

Read this -

https://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/429201-i-am-fool.html

This is not how you deal with this problem in your marriage!

So finally you need to address where the problem is that prevents you from wanting to have sex with your husband. If he has given up on your marriage, his appearance, hurt you in some way. Also their is probably some thinking where you are also wrong and contributing to the problem. But whatever it is and if you continue to post we can help you, YOU need to deal with that. You are in this position because you have pretty much abandoned what is a necessary part of your being. Even if he is the one abstaining, by not addressing it, even to the point of divorcing, you have abdicated your personal responsibility in your own sexuality and because of that you are now in this position. 

Once you do address it if he doesn't change and you won't change then you should divorce him. If it can't be fixed you should divorce him. But don't destroy your honor, and humiliate him by having an affair. If you ever cared for this man don't do that. I can tell you as someone who had it done to me it is the worst pain I have ever felt. It changed me as a person. 

Your honor and who you are as a person is the only thing in this life that you have complete control over. It shapes your whole life. If you cheat you will never be able to fully restore that. It will always be a blemish in your life. It's more important then having sex even if that would feel great at the time. Being good is more important then feeling good. That is what it means to be an adult, even with sex. 

Work on your marriage and then decide what to do. I promise you, fix your marriage or divorce, you can get back physical intimacy in a honorable way and your life will be much better for it.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

My question is why do you and your husband work so much? Are you in debt? Are your living expenses high?

With all the time both of you spend at work, it's not surprising that you come home too tired to expend any effort on the relationship.

Is it possible both of you could cut back on work hours? Your marriage is suffering because of it.

As far as thinking about another man, you do have the power to nip that in the bud. You don't mention what issues you have that has made sex with your husband a no-go. THAT needs your primary attention, not working two jobs.

I wonder how your husband feels being in a sexless marriage?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

This looks like a hit and run?

The first OP comment part that really stuck out I heard was "when I came home he was sleeping showing me he doesn't care". Showing her immediately making it all about her, even though the H may have been tired as hes working two jobs. 

Maybe he needed a short nap to be able to recharge and fool around in a way that both would get enjoyment out of an encounter. 

Just a first impression. 

Hopefully W will refocus on the M and not be a selfish person.


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## Brisangelbaby (Oct 11, 2018)

Prodigal said:


> My question is why do you and your husband work so much? Are you in debt? Are your living expenses high?
> 
> With all the time both of you spend at work, it's not surprising that you come home too tired to expend any effort on the relationship.
> 
> ...



He has a lot of debt... I don’t have any. Our living expenses are normal.. I have talked about cutting back my hours but his debt is so high he can’t (debt to his parents/student loans).


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## Brisangelbaby (Oct 11, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> This looks like a hit and run?
> 
> The first OP comment part that really stuck out I heard was "when I came home he was sleeping showing me he doesn't care". Showing her immediately making it all about her, even though the H may have been tired as hes working two jobs.
> 
> ...



I’m not being a selfish person. I just wish that sometimes he would focus more on us... I tend to plan everything for us...


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Brisangelbaby said:


> I’m not being a selfish person. I just wish that sometimes he would focus more on us... I tend to plan everything for us...


If you have been married less than a year, you are already refusing sex, and you have found "someone who makes you happy," then yes, you are a selfish person.


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## Brisangelbaby (Oct 11, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> Brisangelbaby said:
> 
> 
> > Hi, I decided to post on here because I feel like i am no longer sexually attracted to my husband of a year. We have been together 7 years and don’t really have sex anymore (my issue). I want to try and get that back with him! I recently met someone who makes me happy and I can’t stop thinking about him, but I still am in love with my husband! I am sexually attracted to this new guy! Help
> ...


Our sex life has been like this for years. I am 30. And I do love and respect him. I give him credit for working as much as he does just so he can get his debt down, however I just wish I could be with him more...


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Brisangelbaby said:


> Our sex life has been like this for years. I am 30. And I do love and respect him. I give him credit for working as much as he does just so he can get his debt down, however I just wish I could be with him more...


You can't always control your heart. If you don't feel it for him, it's unlikely to really get better. And your work situation is terrible for a relationship. Even the best relationships would be struggling when you guys are working so much. It's no surprise he's sleeping when you come home, he's exhausted! He doesn't have time for himself, much less for you.

I think it's great you're acknowledging the problem and are looking for solutions. But, unfortunately, it is very hard to fix a problem like this. Maybe if you guys win the lottery and can spend time together in a life of leisure, but in the real world it's hard to see how it works out.

If you care about your husband, you need to get far away from that other guy. Your brain is going gaga and you can't think straight. And you'll break your husband's heart if he finds out. Even if you divorce, there are lots of other guys out there. That hot guy is nothing exceptional. For everyone's sake, cut him out of your life and brain so you can do the right thing.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

sokillme said:


> *So this is probably one of the most important moments in your life. It's going to shape the rest of it.* First of all you should know being attracted to others when you are married is pretty common and normal. It doesn't mean something is wrong with your love for him, your marriage.
> 
> Some people get the idea that once you fall in love with someone you never are attracted or desire other people ever again. I think this is because when you first get with someone and the feelings of attraction for them are SO STRONG they tend to block out any attraction. But with time the intensity and the newness of the relationship goes away and YES that happens in every relationship, you will have feelings of attraction for other people.
> 
> ...


There are so many powerful thoughts here... thank you for stating them @sokillme.

My other thought is you are spending too many hours working... make your second "job" time spent on your relationship and I'll bet the time together may take away much of your unmindful thinking of others.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Brisangelbaby

I merged your two threads since they are about the same topic. You will get more and better responses if you stick to one thread.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Brisangelbaby said:


> Our sex life has been like this for years. I am 30. And I do love and respect him. I give him credit for working as much as he does just so he can get his debt down, however I just wish I could be with him more...


How many hours a week do the two of you spend together, just the two of you, doing things that you both enjoy?


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

Hey BAB - I think you'll likely find this forum to be pretty hostile to those that openly admit to having feelings or engaging in affairs (emotional or physical) outside the marriage. For good reason as many of them have been hurt before and it's a major trigger. I'm not trying to be judgmental but I think it's pretty important for you to really think about this and what you wrote and what you really want. You can't possibly improve your marriage with your husband if you're actively engaged in something emotional with someone else. Also if you've given your heart to someone else (whether you realize or not) you'll naturally close yourself off to your husband. You'll resent him for taking these opportunities away and blow his flaws up and out of proportion. Human nature. Your real life husband with real life problems and post-honeymoon feelz can't compete. It's not a fair comparison to someone that you only see the very best side of, gives you regular lighting bolts of dopamine, and has all the mystery that your husband does not.

You're going to get pilloried here but probably worth sticking around if you want to save your marriage. Seems very at-risk right now, maybe more than you realize.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Bris Angel Baby,
I want to break this down a bit. Try to get everything into a timeline.

7 years ago - 2011, you were 23. You started dating or became official. You were 5 years out of highschool. 
3 or 4 years ago, a little vague on this one - you were around 27, sexual frequency drops to near zero in the relationship. You have probably had a bachelors degree for 4 years.
1 year ago - 2017 you are 29. you haven't had sex for 2 or more years. Despite crushing debt and back breaking work schedules you two decide to get married. You are 12 years out of high school and about 8 years since your bachelors degree. You have no debt. He still has a lot of debt. 
A few months ago, - 2018 you met captain wonderful. He has twice the time your husband has for you. He makes you feel young again. Suddenly the sexual arousal that you thought was dead is back full force.

we could flesh this out a bit more with information about his age, both of your careers and education, and some info on life goals. Right now I'm having trouble figuring out why a sexless couple in serious debt decided to get married. Let me know how I did. let me know if I need to correct.


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## Brisangelbaby (Oct 11, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> Brisangelbaby said:
> 
> 
> > Our sex life has been like this for years. I am 30. And I do love and respect him. I give him credit for working as much as he does just so he can get his debt down, however I just wish I could be with him more...
> ...



His schedule is 8:30am-midnight and I work 7pm-7am. The days we have off together we get from 7pm-bedtime to spend together unless we happen to be off for a few hours on the weekend together.


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## Brisangelbaby (Oct 11, 2018)

Mr. Nail said:


> Bris Angel Baby,
> I want to break this down a bit. Try to get everything into a timeline.
> 
> 7 years ago - 2011, you were 23. You started dating or became official. You were 5 years out of highschool.
> ...



You did pretty good! 
So yes 2011 we got together. I just got over a breakup and was dating people when he came into my life! When he asked me to be his gf I turned him down to see other people. At this time my part time job was my full time job! He was just bartending once or twice a week. Also moved in with me fairly quickly.

3-4 years ago we got engaged. At this time I had a new job and my old full time job switched to part time after school. He had numerous jobs sense I first met him and hasn’t completed collage (becoming a pilot is expensive). I dislike school so I didn’t go back and found something I love instead. Sexual frequency is maybe a few times a month at this point.

About a year ago we got married, yes despite his $60,000 in debt with his parents and his student loans. We did not pay for the wedding. I was having the wedding jitters right before that caused me to get an owi....Sex life is maybe once a month give or take. Didn’t even have sex on the wedding night.

A few months ago my husband and I met the new guy (he helps his friend bartend). He was super nice and I found him attractive, but never acted on it. When we frequent the bar we would always see him and be friendly but still nothing. Then we go out with friends, my husband leaves me at the bar with my friends and goes to work. After a while my friends leave me there. I get a little drunk and I’m talking to the new guy and people I know at the bar. He offers to give me a ride home. Nothing happens but I can’t help but have the same thing that happened to me before I got married come rushing back. Unfortunately the new guy doesn’t have a lot of time for me with work. But he knows how I feel about him and knows what’s going on with my husband and I. 
The new guy does make me feel young again. And yes I do crave him. My husband and I haven’t had sex in over a month and the last time we had it it didn’t end too well.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Quit going to the bar. Quit emotionally investing your time and energy into this other man. Quit telling him anything about your personal life. IN fact, cut him out of your life entirely.

You and your husband need to start spending quality time together, date nights, etc.

You need to tell your husband what is going on and work to stop the affair and reignite your marriage.


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## Brisangelbaby (Oct 11, 2018)

FieryHairedLady said:


> Quit going to the bar. Quit emotionally investing your time and energy into this other man. Quit telling him anything about your personal life. IN fact, cut him out of your life entirely.
> 
> You and your husband need to start spending quality time together, date nights, etc.
> 
> You need to tell your husband what is going on and work to stop the affair and reignite your marriage.



My husband knows what’s going on (not with the guy) but he is going to try and work on it with me. As far as date nights... this is the first time I have seen him this week (tonight when I get home)sense Sunday morning, so we will see things go tonight after I had that talk with him Monday..


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Thanks for filling that in. It helps a lot. I'm seeing more red flags than a may day parade. Your crush is on your husband's friend! That is not going to end well. Your husband has big debt and no degree. He should have joined the navy 7 years ago. Alcohol lifestyle, lots of lowered inhibitions and lower performance for him. I'm not sure your Crush is a better pick.


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## Brisangelbaby (Oct 11, 2018)

Mr. Nail said:


> Thanks for filling that in. It helps a lot. I'm seeing more red flags than a may day parade. Your crush is on your husband's friend! That is not going to end well. Your husband has big debt and no degree. He should have joined the navy 7 years ago. Alcohol lifestyle, lots of lowered inhibitions and lower performance for him. I'm not sure your Crush is a better pick.



No the other guy doesn’t know my husband like that.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Are you at all bothered by your emotional cheating??


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

OK I think your thinking on both these men is just wrong.

Your husband's friend doesn't care a flip about you (I am being nice especially tonight because some folks are sensitive). You would only be a sex trophy for him. You will be one in a long line of many. He knows exactly what to say and he can smell your unhappiness. You are going to destroy a man who actually has given you his life and I think he feels he is doing that daily. And what pleasure that will give his friend. He will get to know that he didn't have to do **** except flirt with you and he got you in bed. All the while your boyfriend will think, ha my "friend" was busting his ass for both of you but she wanted me. Talk about the ultimate ego trip. He makes a fool out of both of you, and frankly that is what you would be if you give your body to this man. That's all it would be about, your body and proving to himself that he is better then your husband. That's what men like your husband's friend have to do because they know they are POS, but at least I got to bang my hard working friend's wife. The body you pledged to you husband by the way. 

By the way maybe I am wrong and he doesn't care about you at all but YES whether you see it this way or not, I believe in your husband's mind he is working all those hours so YOU can have a better life without debt. If say, you had kids they will be in a better place. Or so one day you can take vacations without the stress of the dept that would occur. This is how men think, they think the family and their wife's financial well being is their responsibility. If they have a ton of debt they think, I don't want to saddle her with that if something happens to me (which is exactly what would happen). They think if something should happen to me I have to put her in a financial position so she will be OK. Let me rephrase my sentence, this is how GOOD men think. It's how we have been taught to think. I mean come on really? Do you think he wants to work hours like that? Besides when I read post like this I often wonder why YOU don't also get a part time job to help pay down the dept together and then you can both spend more time together. That is what good teammates do by the way, that is how a good marriages work. 

I see this no difference then a wife does all the work around the house does all the stuff with the kids and her husband cheats on her. He says, "You were never sexy for me" and she say "I was raising your child! Why didn't you just help so I wasn't so damn tired and maybe then I could have thought about being sexy." Yes that is what you are doing. 

I can't tell you how many posts I have read where women just like you cheat on their husbands when the marriage is young for exactly the same reasons. After a few years the debt is payed down and the husband is now at home and life is back to what it was like when they had more time together. The wife hides the affair only for it to come up years later. The husband ends up feeling like his life work was wasted. He thinks he would have been better off being the friend who ****ed his wife. Who didn't do anything but say nice things. Many many threads. The wives have now matured and also have a lifetime of sacrificial love given to them by these men. They grow to appreciate it not the least because now all that financial sacrifice has now given her a great life. They know what and evil thing they did just because they were young and selfish. If you do this your husband would be much better off if you just divorced him. MUCH BETTER OFF. 

A big part of those women, and your problem is that you have no idea how men think at all. It's just wrong to assume that he works his ass off because of malice or neglect.  WE ARE TAUGHT FROM A YOUNG AGE THAT THAT IS WHAT YOU DO TO SHOW YOUR FAMILY LOVE. You bust your ass, sacrifice and even if you hate every moment, you work hard to provide for your family. The problem is that the world has changed and lots of women are now in a financial position where they don't need that kind of provision. Not many parents of boy's were perceptive enough to teach them that by the time they got to be adults they would need to provide for their wives emotional well being to a certain extent and the financial would no longer be as important. Besides we all know that a man who doesn't provide for his family is a POS. (I'm sorry I know that is harsh.) 

Now this is not me saying you DON'T have a right to want to spend more time with him. But let me ask you, have you cut back on spending so you can put more towards paying down the debt? Why aren't you helping to pay down his debt? I mean you want him home more why not step up so he can be. You are effectively saying you want him to spend more time with you and you don't need him to help you financially, but if that is the case where it is not the husband's responsibility then it has to become both your responsibilities. One way or another the debt needs to be paid down.

Make no mistake this kind of stuff IS marriage especially when you are young and financially trying to make you way. You have to sacrifice. Your husband gets this and is thinking 20 years down the line. You are thinking I am lonely right now. In fact all cheaters do this it's called short term thinking. If you are terribly lonely then scream at him "I AM LONELY! Wake up or you are going to lose me. I am suffering." Don't cheat on him. All you have done is get mad at him and shut him off. 

If you think I am crazy tell me how I am wrong, but do that before you ruin both your lives. STOP seeing this other man RIGHT NOW! Only the very worst people cheat on their spouses with their friends.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I can appreciate what she is saying because there is is no real relationship and she does not want to have a two minute endeavor. First and obvious question- (debt to his parents/student loans????????????????????????????????????

HIS PARENTS NEED TO WAIT! To destroy a marriage for to prove a point, that he is honorable in repaying his parents makes no sense.

They need to have a good talk, probably counseling, she took vows, as did he, and they need to discuss the relationship, speak of compromise, make the commitment to consider the other's wants and needs. Maybe if he took more time off, the could at least have a nice weekend together, she may feel emotionally attached and then physically. Both of these people need to grow up a little. I read of a very well-known lawyer who earned 4 million a year, but was on his 5th marriage because he was a workaholic.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Excellent post @sokillme


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

So...why exactly aren't you and your husband having sex again? Real talk reasons please. I don't buy the long work hours or debt excuses - you both seem to have plenty of time to spend with friends and out at bars. The new friend bar dude crush is a red herring here and a big symptom of your much bigger problem: your marriage is broken. 

So...in your words and thoughts why do you have a dead bedroom situation. Can you be honest with yourself on that?


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## Brisangelbaby (Oct 11, 2018)

personofinterest said:


> Are you at all bothered by your emotional cheating??


Not one but. The new guy broke it off with me till I figure things out.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

You and your husband need to read these two books, then re-evaluate your work schedules.

His Needs Her Needs

Love Busters


If you keep up the long work hours, and just bump into each other once a day you are not investing emotionally in the marriage and it will continue dying. It is already dying and you may have already caused a death blow to it by having an emotional affair with the bartender.

Sure, as @sokillme says, your husband might be showing his love for you and your future children by working 80 hours a week. Even so, since you are needing to actually be in his presence, speak with him, and feel his touch to feel loved, you will not feel loved. He won't have you or children when his debt is paid.

You both need to cut back on the work and leave some time open to have "quality time" together as well as whatever his and your needs are.

When is the projected payoff date for the loans? If it is a few years out, there will not be a marriage by then if the two of you keep going the way you have.

You stated that you haven't had a home cooked meal together in a very long time. So why don't you plan and cook a nice meal this week?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Brisangelbaby said:


> My husband knows what’s going on (not with the guy) but he is going to try and work on it with me.


If your husband doesn't know about the guy, you are engaging in "trickle truth". This is a very bad thing to start, it will set your rebuild process "off on the wrong foot".

Without knowing about the guy, your husband does not know "what's going on". It's very, very unfair of you to conceal the truth from him. The truth of the matter comes through here:



Brisangelbaby said:


> The new guy broke it off with me till I figure things out.


If you want to save your marriage, you must break it off with him FOREVER, never again have any contact, for any reason, to this man. It is not "until you figure things out"..... you will have to have completely and totally figured things out, and be willing to give your husband the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth NOW.

@sokillme has this 100% right. You would be wise to read what is written in that post 3 times per day for the next 100 days.

Oh, and BTW, the reason you are lusting after another man has nothing to do with your husband. His debt, his work schedule, or whether or not he ignores you completely.

This lust comes from the inside of you. You CHOOSE to give yourself permission to indulge in it. Own that, and seek the help you need to put it out of your life, for the rest of your life.

You need to expect more of yourself than this.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

TJW said:


> If you want to save your marriage, you must break it off with him FOREVER, never again have any contact, for any reason, to this man. It is not "until you figure things out"..... you will have to have completely and totally figured things out, and be willing to give your husband the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth NOW.


Not only that, but you have to change this kind of behavior in yourself. The world is full of hot guys who will flirt with you and don't care you're married. Some of them will try even harder knowing you're married. So what if you throw the current guy in the trash pile, there's a dozen more everywhere you go. How are you going to be able to resist getting back in this situation over and over?


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