# Having problems adjusting to 2nd husband



## springsport (Nov 3, 2012)

Hello, I'm new to this forum and am hoping someone can help me save my marriage. I found out my husband of 20 years had cheated on me many times throughout our marriage. I stayed with him for three more years after I found out. He was my best friend, but I eventually realized that I could not get over the pain and anger, nor would I ever be able to trust him again, so we divorced. Then I met my current husband who had also been cheated on by not one but three wives. He is a good man and a faithful husband, and we have been married for two years. My problem is that we are not nearly as compatible as my first husband and I were. I like outdoor activities. He does not like to be outside in general. I am or at least used to be in excellent physical condition. The ex and I would jog, ride bikes, hike, ski, etc. I have to twist current husband's arm to go for a leisure walk. I continue to exercise on my own, but I miss having a friend to do things with. Also, current husband is ultra-critical whether I'm filling the dishwasher, folding clothes, cooking, and even during intercourse. Everything has to be _his_ way. He even criticizes my hobbies; I like to paint and knit, and he nearly always finds fault in what I do. He has now criticized me for losing some muscle tone, which is in part due to the fact that I have no one to exercise with and have lost motivation. I am beginning to resent him terribly, but I have no intention of leaving him. I just want things to get better. I believe I was too dependent upon my first husband, and I am certain that is part of the problem. On top of that, one of his adult children is a terrible burden to us, which I also resent. I need to find a better outlook on our marriage. Can someone help me, please?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

A man who has been married THREE times is NOT a good bet.

A man who has had THREE wives cheat on him has something wrong with him; either they were not ALL cheaters and he's a LIAR *OR* they did ALL cheat on him and he has something fundamentally wrong with him that cheaters find attractive in him or that drives his wives to seek SOLACE with SOMEONE ELSE. Considering how YOU'RE currently feeling after TWO SHORT YEARS, guess which one I'm betting on?

*If you're determined to stick it out with this husband for whatever reasons *(don't want to be a 'two-time loser', don't want family/friends to perceive you as a 'failure', don't want ex-h to say 'told you so'...not that I think any of those are true, I just FEAR that YOU might think they're true), *then you will have to learn to suck it up - plain and simple. *

You'll never change this man. He doesn't want to change: 3 ex-wives and a currently-unhappy wife are PROOF of that.

You're wanting the IMPOSSIBLE and you'll make yourself nuts. GET OUT or SUCK IT UP. Only choices possible, sorry!


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

****A man who has had THREE wives cheat on him has something wrong with him; either they were not ALL cheaters and he's a LIAR OR they did ALL cheat on him and he has something fundamentally wrong with him that cheaters find attractive in him or that drives his wives to seek SOLACE with SOMEONE ELSE. ****

I see a research project that needs to be done.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

springsport said:


> Hello, I'm new to this forum and am hoping someone can help me save my marriage. I found out my husband of 20 years had cheated on me many times throughout our marriage. I stayed with him for three more years after I found out. He was my best friend, but I eventually realized that I could not get over the pain and anger, nor would I ever be able to trust him again, so we divorced. Then I met my current husband who had also been cheated on by not one but three wives. He is a good man and a faithful husband, and we have been married for two years. My problem is that we are not nearly as compatible as my first husband and I were. I like outdoor activities. He does not like to be outside in general. I am or at least used to be in excellent physical condition. The ex and I would jog, ride bikes, hike, ski, etc. I have to twist current husband's arm to go for a leisure walk. I continue to exercise on my own, but I miss having a friend to do things with. Also, current husband is ultra-critical whether I'm filling the dishwasher, folding clothes, cooking, and even during intercourse. Everything has to be _his_ way. He even criticizes my hobbies; I like to paint and knit, and he nearly always finds fault in what I do. He has now criticized me for losing some muscle tone, which is in part due to the fact that I have no one to exercise with and have lost motivation. I am beginning to resent him terribly, but I have no intention of leaving him. I just want things to get better. I believe I was too dependent upon my first husband, and I am certain that is part of the problem. On top of that, one of his adult children is a terrible burden to us, which I also resent. I need to find a better outlook on our marriage. Can someone help me, please?


Wow...sorry.

I think he has 3-ex wives who wouldn't put up with his controlling & critical nature.

Was he sweet & charming when you were dating?

He could be a narcissist.

Is he your re-bound relationship after your long marriage?


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## springsport (Nov 3, 2012)

Sweet & charming when we were dating? No, but his honesty was refreshing after being lied to for 20+ years.
Narcissist? Quite possibly. He is in the field of entertainment, and is hyper-critical of himself, and super sensitive to what others think about him.
Re-bound? Sad to admit, but yes. He is the only man I dated after my divorce.

Nevertheless, as I mentioned before, he is a good man. He has no weird hang-ups, he works hard, and he tries to help others. I, as most spouses do, get the brunt of his frustrations with everything that is wrong in the world.

I know there are happily married couples out there who do not share like interests with their spouses, and have learned to ignore the things they don't like and focus on the positive. If you are one of those couples, how do you do it? My ex and I got along fantastically; however he hid his negative feelings and acted out passive aggressively (by having numerous affairs). How does one have an honest relationship that works?


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## springsport (Nov 3, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> ****A man who has had THREE wives cheat on him has something wrong with him; either they were not ALL cheaters and he's a LIAR OR they did ALL cheat on him and he has something fundamentally wrong with him that cheaters find attractive in him or that drives his wives to seek SOLACE with SOMEONE ELSE. ****
> 
> I see a research project that needs to be done.


I do not understand what you mean by "research project." Are you suggesting that I contact his ex-wives to discover whether or not he is being honest with me? I'm guessing that if they are guilty as charged, they will not admit to it. 
Or, did you have something else in mind?
Thanks.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

You mentioned not having an exercise partner & that's why you've lost muscle tone.
Why do you need a partner to work out?
If you want to work out, then work out, don't use lack of a partner as an excuse.
Maybe in a perfect world spouses shared the same interests, but in reality I think it tends to be they share fewer interests.
My husband & I do share some of the same interests but there are things that only one of us has an interest in.
Those are the interests that we share with our friends.
I don't believe that spouses should be the end all be all when it comes to our lives, talk about too much pressure.
I can't imagine that expecting your spouse to be everything to you is healthy for you or them.
Look for some common ground you can share with your husband & seek friends or family to share the interests your husbnd does not.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Counseling. Talking about it if you can afford a couples therapist... 

But, definitely some discussion is needed.

How long did you know this guy before you marrried him? Did you marry him on the rebound from first marriage? Kinda seems like it.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Three wives.

Three wives who cheated.


The main factor was him. I'm not saying he made them cheat. hells no. BUT...he didn't give you the whole story. 

I'm so sorry you are here, but...get out. Honestly. Therapy could work, but he has to be part of it...REALLY wanting to change...


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Emerald said:


> Wow...sorry.
> 
> I think he has 3-ex wives who wouldn't put up with his controlling & critical nature.
> 
> ...


Sometimes rebounds work - my 2nd marriage is proof of that (so far LOL) but I see you comparing new H to old H. That tells me that you miss old H & your lifestyle with him..alot.

Normal but not good for your next marriage.

His critical nature would be a deal breaker for me but if it's not for you, then I think you need to focus on all of the positive attributes of your H that you talked about here. You really cannot change him or make him into an activity partner.

Once you stop comparing old H to new H, you will start to ACCEPT new H & your lifestyle together.


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## springsport (Nov 3, 2012)

Phenix70 said:


> You mentioned not having an exercise partner & that's why you've lost muscle tone.
> Why do you need a partner to work out?
> If you want to work out, then work out, don't use lack of a partner as an excuse.
> Maybe in a perfect world spouses shared the same interests, but in reality I think it tends to be they share fewer interests.
> ...


You're absolutely right about exercising. I do exercise alone, just not as much as I would if I had a partner. My ex was my partner for so many years; I just miss that. It was a way we shared intimacy in our marriage. I guess the answer is to try to find another common ground with which we can share intimacy. Thanks for your response.


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## springsport (Nov 3, 2012)

Chelle D said:


> Counseling. Talking about it if you can afford a couples therapist...
> 
> But, definitely some discussion is needed.
> 
> How long did you know this guy before you marrried him? Did you marry him on the rebound from first marriage? Kinda seems like it.


We've tried counseling, but he gets up and walks out if he doesn't like the way the conversation is going. This is the main reason I have come to this forum. 

I knew him for over two years before we married, but he was the only man I seriously dated after my divorce, so yes, he was a rebound; looking back, I am certain of that.


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## springsport (Nov 3, 2012)

Emerald said:


> Sometimes rebounds work - my 2nd marriage is proof of that (so far LOL) but I see you comparing new H to old H. That tells me that you miss old H & your lifestyle with him..alot.
> 
> Normal but not good for your next marriage.
> 
> ...


You are right, I do miss my old life, even though I was living a dream. Three weeks before I discovered my ex's secret life, we celebrated our 20th anniversary, and as we danced in the living room to "our song," I told our teenaged kids how lucky they were that they had parents who loved each other so much and who would never divorce. I crashed big-time after I discovered my ex's infidelities, but I held onto him because he was my everything. I realized later that I had made him way too important, and I think I intentionally married a man that is a bit "rough" so that I would never place him on such a pedestal; hence, I would never be hurt by him to the degree that my ex hurt me. 
Realizing all of that now helps me understand why I did what I did, but it doesn't help me find a new happiness in the choices I have made. I know that I can be happy, and I think you're right, the first step is in not comparing new H to old H. I appreciate your words of wisdom.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

springsport said:


> You are right, I do miss my old life, even though I was living a dream. Three weeks before I discovered my ex's secret life, we celebrated our 20th anniversary, and as we danced in the living room to "our song," I told our teenaged kids how lucky they were that they had parents who loved each other so much and who would never divorce. I crashed big-time after I discovered my ex's infidelities, but I held onto him because he was my everything. I realized later that I had made him way too important, and I think I intentionally married a man that is a bit "rough" so that I would never place him on such a pedestal; hence, I would never be hurt by him to the degree that my ex hurt me.
> Realizing all of that now helps me understand why I did what I did, but it doesn't help me find a new happiness in the choices I have made. I know that I can be happy, and I think you're right, the first step is in not comparing new H to old H. I appreciate your words of wisdom.


I can imagine it was beyond devastating when the life you thought you had came crashing down around you.
From the betrayal to the loss of a marriage, it most have been a very painful experience for you. 
Makes me mad on your behalf that your husband betrayed you in that manner. 
Have you gone to IC?
I think it could be very helpful to you, especially to help you find happiness within yourself & not through another person.
Sure most of us would like to say that our spouses make us happy, but the truth is it is US who make us happy. 
Maybe take the focus off your 2nd husband & put the focus on yourself, you may just find that it's that choice which ultimately makes you happy.


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## springsport (Nov 3, 2012)

Phenix70 said:


> I can imagine it was beyond devastating when the life you thought you had came crashing down around you.
> From the betrayal to the loss of a marriage, it most have been a very painful experience for you.
> Makes me mad on your behalf that your husband betrayed you in that manner.
> Have you gone to IC?
> ...


I had lots of IC and spent some time on anti-depresants. My doctor diagnosed me with PTSD and depression. I joined several support groups and my heart healed slowly but surely with time. 
I think you're right; it's a whole different way of thinking, but I need to face the truth and realize that I will never have the same kind of intimacy with my current husband. I knew he was critical when I met him, and I do believe that his unkindness was a part of why his other wives left him. To add to his bad experiences with women, his mother is highly critical of everyone she encounters; she is 10 times worse than him. I know he takes some of his anger towards his mother and the other women in his life out on me. He even has admitted to that fact.
I will take your advice, and take care of myself, and in the meantime, I can only hope that my husband will begin to realize that I'm not his mother, and I'm not like his ex-wives. Maybe he will begin to appreciate what he has in me and learn how to express that appreciation. Maybe.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

springsport said:


> I do not understand what you mean by "research project." Are you suggesting that I contact his ex-wives to discover whether or not he is being honest with me? I'm guessing that if they are guilty as charged, they will not admit to it.
> Or, did you have something else in mind?
> Thanks.


Only saying research project in general. I agree that if you spoke to his ex wives, they may not be completely open or honest. who can blame them when they don't know you or your agenda.

I was thinking this was a topic for a professional researcher as I would like to know what would be behind someone who gets it so wring, not once but 3 times in their life.

I know a couple of women who claim that "they were used and abused" in every relationship with a man. that's a sweeping and IMO careless remark. And not very healthy.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> A man who has had THREE wives cheat on him has something wrong with him;


Absolutely, such as having sh!t taste in women, marrying ones who are still pretty obviously still into their ex-husbands!


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

If he keeps up being an complete a$$ & a $h!thead... then I'd say it is time for wife #4 to leave him.

Sorry.... but you don't want to end up miserable in your old age with hubby #2 that could end up treating you like Cra p for longer time than you put up with hubby #1's cheating ways.

Life is too short to spend your entire adult life being walked upon.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Make sure you yourself are not hyper-sensitive to requests for acclmodation or change. I saw that he is displeased with the sexual relationship. Especially in this realm, accomodation and compromise should be the rule. Are you sure he is really that rigid and selfish? Maybe you are still hurt by your ex's constant cheating and have developed an aversion of sorts? Or maybe you are hurting and projecting your rigidity onto him?

Food for thought.



Emerald said:


> Sometimes rebounds work - my 2nd marriage is proof of that (so far LOL) but I see you comparing new H to old H. That tells me that you miss old H & your lifestyle with him..alot.
> 
> Normal but not good for your next marriage.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> *A man who has been married THREE times is NOT a good bet.*
> A man who has had THREE wives cheat on him has something wrong with him; either they were not ALL cheaters and he's a LIAR *OR* they did ALL cheat on him and he has something fundamentally wrong with him that cheaters find attractive in him or that drives his wives to seek SOLACE with SOMEONE ELSE. Considering how YOU'RE currently feeling after TWO SHORT YEARS, guess which one I'm betting on?
> 
> *If you're determined to stick it out with this husband for whatever reasons *(don't want to be a 'two-time loser', don't want family/friends to perceive you as a 'failure', don't want ex-h to say 'told you so'...not that I think any of those are true, I just FEAR that YOU might think they're true), *then you will have to learn to suck it up - plain and simple. *
> ...



Not necessarily. I married my first at 21 out of lust. She was a control freak I came to find out and very insecure. We were together for 3 yrs. My next we were together 12 yrs but grew apart as we entered our 40's. Currently at 50 my 52 year old wife of 3 years is divorcing me because she is basically a spoiled little princess, that we find out in counseling has BPD and has cheated on every man she has been with (her admittion in counseling) . I do ALL cooking, shopping, driving, most of the house work except laundry.. Her bigges concerns are watching TCM channel and trying to live those movies or ensuring she has makeup and fake eyelashes. Prior to marriage life was good.. lived together for a year... after marriage I ask why the change.. her response, " I was trying to impress you."


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

springsport said:


> My problem is that we are not nearly as compatible as my first husband and I were. I like outdoor activities. He does not like to be outside in general. I am or at least used to be in excellent physical condition. The ex and I would jog, ride bikes, hike, ski, etc. I have to twist current husband's arm to go for a leisure walk. I continue to exercise on my own, but I miss having a friend to do things with. Also, current husband is ultra-critical whether I'm filling the dishwasher, folding clothes, cooking, and even during intercourse. Everything has to be _his_ way. He even criticizes my hobbies; I like to paint and knit, and he nearly always finds fault in what I do. He has now criticized me for losing some muscle tone, which is in part due to the fact that I have no one to exercise with and have lost motivation.


It sounds like he's depressed. 

Dysthymia - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


> According to the DSM's definition of dysthymia, it is a serious state of chronic depression, which persists for at least 2 years; it is less acute and severe than major depressive disorder.[3] As *dysthymia is a chronic disorder, sufferers may experience symptoms for many years before it is diagnosed, if diagnosis occurs at all. As a result, they may believe that depression is a part of their character, so they may not even discuss their symptoms with doctors, family members, or friends.*


In my opinion, an incredibly high percentage of people have this disorder. These are the people who don't seem to enjoy anything. They don't get excited about sports, they don't get excited about vacation, they don't want to go to a concert or a movie. Life sucks if you have this disorder, and the only thing left to do is count the seconds until death.

Symptoms of dysthymia:


> Dysthymia has a number of typical characteristics: *low drive, low self-esteem, and a low capacity for pleasure in everyday life*. Mild degrees of dysthymia may result in people *withdrawing from stress and avoiding opportunities for failure*. In more severe cases of dysthymia people may even *withdraw from daily activities.[4] They will usually find little pleasure in usual activities and pastimes*. Diagnosis of dysthymia can be difficult because of the subtle nature of the symptoms and patients often can hide them in social situations making it challenging for others to detect symptoms. Additionally, dysthymia often occurs at the same time as other psychological disorders, which adds a level of complexity in determining the presence of dysthymia, particularly because there is often an overlap in the symptoms of disorders.[5]


Waiting to die = dysthymia.

Diagnosis:


> Sufferers have often experienced dysthymia for many years before it is diagnosed. People around them come to believe that the sufferer is 'just a moody person'. Note the following diagnostic criteria:[1][17]
> *During a majority of days for two years or more*, the adult patient reports depressed mood or appears depressed to others for most of the day.
> When depressed, the patient has two or more of:
> decreased or increased appetite
> ...


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

that_girl said:


> Three wives.
> 
> Three wives who cheated.
> 
> ...


 I am my husbands second wife, all of the relationships my husband has had, they have all cheated on him including his first wife. I understand the why now, but there are two sides to every story. My husband claims that he never cheated on anyone, but i know that to be a lie, because while he was with his x, i was the other woman :scratchhead:. 

I am afraid that he has fallen into the same pattern that he did with them. He is no longer affectionate, isn't there for me when i need him, Is distant and I can't read him anymore, he isn't the loving teddy bear that he was when i married him. WE went from being really close and in sync to like we are living on 2 different planets and being totally disconnected from each other.


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