# Incapable of having a discussion with husband



## Puchn (Jul 1, 2013)

My husband came home from work this evening and I casually asked him when we were going for this holiday with his parents. He told me everything was already booked last week. I was taken aback because he didn't say a word or even bother to ask me if the dates were ok with me. When I told him how I felt taken-for-granted this whole thing snowballed into how he regretted marrying me. I told him to just stick to the issue at hand and he went on to tell me how his life is now a disaster.

I am alone in this new country, without job and no family or friends and I've left behind everything I had for our love. Being alone was not a big deal for me, but now I feel more lonely by the day. Any situation we have, no matter how small or big, it always come down to one of us saying how regretful marriage is.

We have been married only a year. I sleep on the sofa and often cry because I have no idea how to deal with such a situation. I feel ashamed that I am incapable of handling my own relationship. I feel weak and vulnerable, I never was so. I cant discuss this with my family or friends as I don't want to jeopardize the way they look at me and my husband. 
I am so confused that it hurts to be in this situation but at the same time my heart is preparing for the worst. I'd hate to give up on this marriage because of such reasons but between us every reason/situation ends up in tears and screams.

I would greatly appreciate your thoughts, comments, experiences and suggestions.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

How long were you together before you got married?

Did you get married for an immigration issue?


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## Puchn (Jul 1, 2013)

We were together for two years before we got married.

I did not get married for immigration reasons.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Did you see red flags during your courtship?


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Was your relationship long distance before marriage?


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## Yeehaw (Jun 30, 2013)

Perhaps you can calmly ask him why he regrets marrying you. What is it about marriage he doesn't like? Then see a counsellor so the 2 of you can remind yourselves why you married in the first place and establish healthy patterns early on. The trick is to be calm and open to his answers. The goal is to learn and do your best not to take what he says personally. His words reflect his viewpoint, not THE absolute truth. You will learn so much if you are open.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Puchn (Jul 1, 2013)

I did. Absolutely. I can't give any possible reason for why I went ahead with our relation despite seeing the red flags. 

I already do blame myself for this situation.


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## Puchn (Jul 1, 2013)

@justonelife yes, out of the two years we were together one year was a long distance relation.


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## Puchn (Jul 1, 2013)

@Yeehaw, Thank you.

I shall try to be open. I must admit, I do take it personally.
"The goal is to learn and do your best not to take what he says personally. His words reflect his viewpoint, not THE absolute truth. You will learn so much if you are open."


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

It isn't that you should "blame yourself" for the situation. It is that you should face up to the choice you made then and decide if you still want to make that choice now.

Every morning, each of us wakes up and makes a choice to be married or to leave. It may not seem that way, but it certainly is that way. There is no gun to anyone's head.

So make your choice, and own it.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

> I've left behind everything I had *for our love.*


This is as close as you come to saying you love him. Do you?

I think Yeehaw's question is a good one. Find out why he regret marrying you. And why do you regret marrying him? 

Do you feel connected to him at all? How is your sex life? 

What were the red flags?

I don't know about anyone else, but I don't see a clear picture of your relationship from your post, so it's hard to make any meaningful comment


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

he has no right to make any kind of vacation plans without discussing with you. Even a child has a right to know when and where they are going away. It sounds like he is in total control of this marriage and he treats you like some incompetent child. There is way more going on here than you are saying. Why did it become so bad? If he regrets marrying you, and you are admitting now that you did not see the red flags, then you don't need to be a martyr and stay in this marriage. Own up to your mistake and move back home. There is nothing wrong with that. I admire people who own up to their mistakes, and learn from it, move on, and be stronger for it. Only you know how long of this you can take, but if things keep on the way they are, hopefully you will decide sooner rather than later to free yourself from an unhappy marriage.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

You'd think he would have checked to be sure you could get away from work those days. Unless you don't work or he knew well in advance you'd be off.

Perhaps he was trying to be spontaneous? 

My wife is currently not working so she can dedicate her time to her degree and the process of an IVF. She likes me to make decisions without her at times. I sometimes plan weekends or times that I know are safe to plan and surprise her with getaway plans. I do hope she doesn't feel as though I'm treating her as an incompetent child or being controlling.


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## VeggieMom (Jun 25, 2013)

Are you and/or your husband from another country? You already mentioned you are new to this country . . . but is he also from the same country you are from, or, is he a first generation immigrant? In the country of your (and maybe his) origin, do men do things like this and they are culturally acceptable?

It sounds like has a different set of values and feels completely justified in what he is doing.


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