# Husbands, does your wife’s past trouble you?



## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

My now second wife who is Thai was the niece and secretary for her uncle, the Thai ambassador and my wife lived in the Thai embassy at Kensington in London. She arrived in England in 1985 and prior to that she’d been all over the world having diplomatic status.

I met my Thai wife in London back in 1986 and we married in 1987 after her uncle retired.

When we first met she claimed to be a virgin and that I was her first boyfriend.

My wife and I with our daughter immigrated to Thailand in 2003. I had a lot of stuff shipped over from England, including thousands of photos I had in albums.

Due to the climate here the photos were beginning to deteriorate and I began scanning them and putting the photos in digital form onto my computer, which took several years to complete.

I have a large 24in computer monitor and in my albums were a few photos of my wife taken in London before we met. When I scanned some of those photos and for the first time I could view them in more detail on my large monitor I noticed on her finger that looked exactly like an engagement and promise ring. I sent copies of a photo of those rings on my wife’s hand to some family and friends asking what type of rings do they think they are? Without saying my wife was wearing them, just a photo of the hand and everyone said, engagement and promise ring. I have attached a photo of my wife’s hand wearing those rings.

My wife denies ever being engaged to someone else and has given me several version stories of where she got them and what happened to them because she did not have those when we met.

Although she’s wearing them on her right hand, this is common on the continent and in Thai culture and I’ve never seen any single women wearing rings like that on their engagement ring finger. What do you think?
Whatever, we`ve been married for 34 years now and guess I`ll never know and the past is the past, it was a long time ago. I am not paranoid about this, just curious wondering if my wife has lied to me.

My question to the husbands are, have you ever been curious about your wives past or discovered anything about your wives past that has made you feel less connected to your wives or even damaged your marital relationship?
I`ve read stories whereas fiances have cancelled their weddings after discovering their fiancee's have had a promiscuous past and even who`s wives were total prudes with them but were the local carousel riders before they met.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

gameopoly5 said:


> My wife denies ever being engaged to someone else and has given me several version stories of where she got them and what happened to them because she did not have those when we met


Retroactive jealousy is one thing, but not being honest right now is another.

To answer your thread question, yes, I have had issues with my wife’s past. But I accept that I can’t do anything about that and have to put it behind me.

If my wife lied to me about her past, or is currently lying about it, then that’s a different question and would require some closer scrutiny. I need truth. And I can handle honesty.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

You married in 1987 and found the photos in question in 2022. That's a very long time. If your marriage has been good and your wife hasn't lied throughout the marriage, there is zero reason to worry about this. You have a long history with your wife and that's all that matters.

And if my wife's past troubled me, I wouldn't have married her. Digging around too much suggests an insecurity on that spouse's part. Everyone has a past. But leave it there.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

I guess what bothers me is the lack of transparency. I've shared 95 percent of my sexual history with her. The other 5 is kinda boring, LOL.

But she is very reluctant to share her past with me. I find that odd. Tells me one guy was "inconsequential." I don't know, I think nobody is inconsequential because everyone from our past - be it in a good way or bad way - has an impact on our lives.They influenced the persons we are today.

We've been marrried 28 years. I'm not threatened or judging her. Honestly, told her it would be a turn-on if she told me what she and her FWB did long ago. We can whisper details in foreplay. She claims she "can't remember." Really? Yet she recalls she and him "were naked in bed" and that he had blond hair, was 10 years older than her and out of work. Son of her landlady. 

Can't recall how they got into bed. Can't recall what happened in bed. Hmm, I'd think there would be a memory or two. She at first said she "kinda had a one-night stand" with him, then it was "one time" then it was "two times." Last week she said "a handful of times." I don't care if it was 25, 50 or 100 times over a year. Whatever. What i do care is her refusing to share the info. Again, it's not a deal-breaker. Not at all. No attorney will be called, LOL. The info would be a turn-on and I have a hart time believing a woman who claims there were two guys before me can not recall one sexy detail about this guy.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Retroactive jealousy is one thing, but not being honest right now is another.
> 
> To answer your thread question, yes, I have had issues with my wife’s past. But I accept that I can’t do anything about that and have to put it behind me.
> 
> If my wife lied to me about her past, or is currently lying about it, then that’s a different question and would require some closer scrutiny. I need truth. And I can handle honesty.


"Just gimme some truth" - John Lennon


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

In regards to your concern, frankly, I wouldn't be too concerned unless there were some other events that merited concern.
They were on her right hand. She may have been at an event , and wanted others to FO, or maybe it was jewelry that she had access to and wanted to wear.
I have a female cousin that is not in any kind of relationship with anyone, and she wears her mother's engagement ring on her left finger. So, I wouldn't be real concerned.
I pretty much know my wife's past. We dated a couple of years before getting married and saw nothing that countered what I was told. Just typical teenage, young, immature stuff.
In actually, she was really the one that took the chance on me. She was the rebound girl and I was coming off an engagement that blew up in a spectacularly gnarly fashion. There was still "Drama" from that event, even 2 years after our wedding. I was up front with her, and she knew what she was walking into, handled it well, and actually had a hand in redirecting the "DramaLlama" herself.
We both have full access to each others phones, and any limited social media that both of us partake in. So, I'm not real concerned. However, as Ronald Reagan used to say: "Trust but verify."


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

Not at all. She had her life and I had mine before we met. 

I was going to say I had no criteria other than feeling my love returned, but our getting to know each other had quite a bit of drama on my side. She is Australian and had lived in Germany. I began investing myself in her while being uncertain whether she would remain in the US and give me the long term relationship I needed.

I have told her more of my limited sexual past than she really wants to know. I suspect she was much more socially and sexually active than I, but I've heard only bits and pieces here and there. No problem other than I wish she'd open up enough to teach me what she learned.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Never asked. 
Don’t care.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

I think you're doing pretty swell if this is the only worry that has been presented to you after 30 years of a relationship


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

No


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

My wife told me she had only done anything (hand holding to sex) with one guy, who she dated from around 12-17 (then jumped into a relationship with me). In reality she slept with two other guys during that relationship, and kissed a fourth. 

I really don't care about what came before me though. I have been with more people than she has and I didn't have any interest in marrying a virgin. I was nervous to be with her when I thought she had only been with one other guy (I thought she'd want more experiences later on). So not entirely sure why she even lied about it. 

It's not something that I think about though. It came before me, so who cares.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

gameopoly5 said:


> My now second wife who is Thai was the niece and secretary for her uncle, the Thai ambassador and my wife lived in the Thai embassy at Kensington in London. She arrived in England in 1985 and prior to that she’d been all over the world having diplomatic status.
> 
> ......When we first met she claimed to be a virgin and that *I was her first boyfriend.*
> 
> ...


This is an easy question. You have children, been married a long time are happy with your marriage. Forget about her past. Don't over think it.

I know women who wore fake engagement rings, when they worked in bars just to keep from being constantly hit on and allowing them to say no to guys trying to chat them up.

It sounds like your wife led a life of privilege, so I doubt she worked in a situation where an engagement ring would have been a way to stop unwanted advances. Or possible traveling the world, being at various diplomatic functions and around powerful men who are away from home, she could have worn the ring to allow her to diplomatically decline any advances.

I have two suggestions. The first is believe that it was a defense mechanism on her part. Really believe it through the use of visualizations and affirmations. My second suggestion is to ask yourself, why you never noticed that ring, when you were dating her. It sounds like either you took those pictures or she gave them to you long ago.

In short don't over think it and enjoy the woman you married.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

I’m not troubled about my wife’s past because I married someone without a troubling past. We married in our mid-20s and were together since our early 20s in college. I’m sure I don’t know every detail about her past, but I know more than enough to know that there’s nothing particularly troubling to me.

OP, in your case I really wouldn’t be worried about this. You’re talking about her past, prior to you that was over 30 years ago. If all has been good with your marriage all these years, I’d let it go. Or at least wouldn’t let it trouble me.
Maybe there was an undisclosed prior relationship / engagement 30+ years ago. Of course I’d be curious, and maybe it would even bring it up to her. I’d want to know why she wasn’t honest about it back then. But I wouldn’t let It trouble me at this point.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Longtime Hubby said:


> I guess what bothers me is the lack of transparency. I've shared 95 percent of my sexual history with her. The other 5 is kinda boring, LOL.
> 
> But she is very reluctant to share her past with me. I find that odd. Tells me one guy was "inconsequential." I don't know, I think nobody is inconsequential because everyone from our past - be it in a good way or bad way - has an impact on our lives.They influenced the persons we are today.
> 
> ...


My wife also seems to suffer from an acute case of amnesia when I ask her about her past. She can`t remember names or places or even the names of many of her friends and as for other events in her past she`ll tell me but only if I ask. She has been all over the world as a diplomat with her uncle and rarely talks about it. I have reached a point whereas I no longer care.
I wont bore posters with the details but I`ve discovered some other odd stuff that seems strange in some of her old photos and when I ask her about them she just brushes it off as being nothing. The same when we were dating, I did notice some odds things.
Like you, I do not and never will judge my wife for her past. and that will never be deal breaker with me.
There have been times when I`ve asked her to tell me anything exciting about her past that may turn me on, but when I do she gets angry and says, nothing to tell.
What this means is, I virtually know nothing about what my wife was like before we met, yet I`ve been completely open about my past to her. As for the rings her story changed each time I`ve asked about them so now I have given up.
My point being my wife being such a closed book about her past makes me feel less connected to her due to her lack of transparency and perhaps means there is a side of her I`ve never seen, I only know this person the way she is with me since our marriage.
I wonder if other husbands have similar experiences and it`s not only me? And do we really know the people we are married to?


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

gameopoly5 said:


> My wife also seems to suffer from an acute case of amnesia when I ask her about her past. She can`t remember names or places or even the names of many of her friends and as for other events in her past she`ll tell me but only if I ask. She has been all over the world as a diplomat with her uncle and rarely talks about it. I have reached a point whereas I no longer care.
> I wont bore posters with the details but I`ve discovered some other odd stuff that seems strange in some of her old photos and when I ask her about them she just brushes it off as being nothing. The same when we were dating, I did notice some odds things.
> Like you, I do not and never will judge my wife for her past. and that will never be deal breaker with me.
> There have been times when I`ve asked her to tell me anything exciting about her past that may turn me on, but when I do she gets angry and says, nothing to tell.
> ...


oh my gosh, perhaps our wives are related? LOL. yes, i call it "selective memory." Case in point: We are friends with a married couple. He's a few years older than me, we've been friends a long time. My wife and her friend used to hang out with Chris and his buddy. They claim it was platonic. Anyway, before we got married, Chris told me that one night, my future wife invited him up to her place "for coffee" after a night out at the bars. He said the implication was more than coffee and he declined her offer. Keep in mind, this was before she and i were dating, so he had no reason to "protect" her or me. 

Fast forward years later: I say that i sometimes have a problem with visiting this couple because i think about the past and how she invited him up for coffee. At first, she denied making the offer, denied being attracted to him. Then, she slowly remembers after I told her what Chris told me years ago, before she and i began dating. Then she suddenly remembered and shrugged it off as "years ago, doesn't matter, not attracted now." Well, I suppose that's the case. But when we visit them, I can't help but have an image in mind of them together had he indeed accepted her come-on. Again, I don't doubt him because, guys being guys, he would hae told me all the details had he gone upstairs. The selective memory is at work for her with this instance and with her FWB.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

My wife's past doesn't bother me but she has given me no reason to believe she ever lied to me about it either.

My wife lying to me is a serious relationship threat.

Who she did or what she had done to her by whoever, before she met me, hasn't caused me a second of concern.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

gameopoly5 said:


> .....I wonder if other husbands have similar experiences and it`s not only me? And do we really know the people we are married to?


My wife went to a different university than I did for one year. Late in my freshman year, we met and dated a few times, she went to a university in another state for the next year. Then after her freshman year ended, she transferred back to the university near where her parents were and that I attended. We started dating again and things became more serious. When I graduated we married. 

So, do I want to know what she did with other men, while she was at that other university? A little, but not really. Has she told me stuff that has made me wonder? Sure. She told me about the parties she went to every Wednesday, when the university classes ended early in the day. She once told me about a Pimp & Prostitute Halloween party she went to while at that other university. I think she was trying to make me a bit jealous. It didn't work. 

I figure that I did a lot of things, I was not completely proud of before her and would not want to discuss with her. I also am pretty sure that she has never cheated on me. So her past is her past. Her present and OUR past while together is another mater. 

To answer your question. I am pretty sure that I know the woman I am married to. Does her past bother me? Not really, I took the time to get to know the woman I married and nothing we have done together shows any sign that she is really someone else.


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## Loves Coffee (4 mo ago)

I had an issue in the past with an ex that didn't have much of a history before me. At least as far as her recollection goes. That never really set well with me because I knew she was being dishonest about it. Today I like hearing my wife's stories from her past. We don't do it often, but sometimes will swap stories.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Loves Coffee said:


> I had an issue in the past with an ex that didn't have much of a history before me. At least as far as her recollection goes. That never really set well with me because I knew she was being dishonest about it. Today I like hearing my wife's stories from her past. We don't do it often, but sometimes will swap stories.


Wish that was the case here. I tell 95% of the stories as she refuses to or claims no memory.


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## Jeffsmith35 (Apr 8, 2021)

She chose you and has stayed with you all these years. Therefore, you are the winner 🙂


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

In the west those rings worn like that would be an engagement ring and a wedding ring. How old was she when you met?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> Never asked.
> Don’t care.


I'm obviously of a similar mindset but if you found she had been dishonest or hiding something big, how would that play out?

I've got thick skin but need transparency with my wife.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Jeffsmith35 said:


> She chose you and has stayed with you all these years. Therefore, you are the winner 🙂


The breadwinner! LoL!😋

Just having fun.😉


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Seriously.....

What good will come from knowing about her past lovers?

Not knowing, and suspecting, still beats knowing and fretting.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Wish that was the case here. I tell 95% of the stories as she refuses to or claims no memory.


She is being the smart one.
She is being practical and cautious and protective of her marriage.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> She is being the smart one.
> She is being practical and cautious and protective of her marriage.


Interesting. so if she’s the smart one, that makes me the …hey, wait a minute! … seriously, things are going well. just wish she’d remember something to share with me. Maybe it would spice up our love life.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Why does it matter if she was engaged, if she didn't marry the guy? You wife is a living breathing human being that had a life before you. It's 34 years, nothing good is going to come out of you pushing it.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

_Retroactive jealousy_ always shows up when you are at your emotional worst.

_RJ_ pops out when one of those marriage hiccups presents itself.

The diaphragm spasm and resultant shock wave sends those insecure and bad thoughts, up your throat and into your vulnerable molar-mood.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

My wife's past is fist fights with a drunk evil dad to keep him off her little brothers. She married her HS boyfriend at 17, divorced his serial cheating ass at 27. I met her 4 mo after she filed and 9 mo before we married. Knew about her past childhood to divorce by 2nd date.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Retroactive jealousy is one thing, but not being honest right now is another.
> 
> To answer your thread question, yes, I have had issues with my wife’s past. But I accept that I can’t do anything about that and have to put it behind me.
> 
> If my wife lied to me about her past, or is currently lying about it, then that’s a different question and would require some closer scrutiny. I need truth. And I can handle honesty.


As regards my wife`s past, if I`d had known about this soon after we met or even earlier on in our marriage it would not have bothered me at all, I loved who she is or thought she is, I wouldn`t have cared about her past relationships, considering I was married previously and had another life before we met in which I have told my wife everything.
It came as somewhat of a shock finding this after 34 years of marriage knowing that my wife has secrets that has made me feel less connected to her although I`d never leave her and won`t drive myself crazy over this.
Some posters and people I know have said, the past is the past forget about it. But I don`t think it`s as simple as that because it`s made me question my wife`s honesty and I hate gaslighting being treated like an idiot.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Longtime Hubby said:


> oh my gosh, perhaps our wives are related? LOL. yes, i call it "selective memory." Case in point: We are friends with a married couple. He's a few years older than me, we've been friends a long time. My wife and her friend used to hang out with Chris and his buddy. They claim it was platonic. Anyway, before we got married, Chris told me that one night, my future wife invited him up to her place "for coffee" after a night out at the bars. He said the implication was more than coffee and he declined her offer. Keep in mind, this was before she and i were dating, so he had no reason to "protect" her or me.
> 
> Fast forward years later: I say that i sometimes have a problem with visiting this couple because i think about the past and how she invited him up for coffee. At first, she denied making the offer, denied being attracted to him. Then, she slowly remembers after I told her what Chris told me years ago, before she and i began dating. Then she suddenly remembered and shrugged it off as "years ago, doesn't matter, not attracted now." Well, I suppose that's the case. But when we visit them, I can't help but have an image in mind of them together had he indeed accepted her come-on. Again, I don't doubt him because, guys being guys, he would hae told me all the details had he gone upstairs. The selective memory is at work for her with this instance and with her FWB.


Similar for me except my wife still is in contact with her friends from those days and it annoys me that her friends probably know more about her than I do.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

I by no means regret marrying my now wife.
I made two big mistakes.
My first wife dumped me for a lover after 7 years of marriage. Only knew her for 5 months before we married.
My now second wife we only knew each other for 3 months before we married.
If I could turn back the clock I`d have dated at least for a year before considering marriage that would have giving me a chance of finding out more about them first.
This is what I`d advise any guys to do and not rush into marriage.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

gameopoly5 said:


> Similar for me except my wife still is in contact with her friends from those days and it annoys me that her friends probably know more about her than I do.


Well we still socialize with Chris and his wife. And i do wonder at times


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

There are multiple considerations going on here.

( 1 ) If the W lied about her past who, what, where, how many.

Then there may be an issue for many men, especially if the lies were made before the marriage which is a form of entrapment.

My W told me about a guy who kissed her under an umbrella for half an hour 40 years or so ago.

Thirty or so years later she confessed, on her own, that he also fondled her breasts. Not sure if I’m jealous, but if the guy Showed up for a social visit I would throw him out. It’s almost funny that she felt she had to hold on to
That for so long. 

I would be jealous if she told me she orgasmed from kissing him.

( 2 ) If the H suspects that he was always the plan B or C man. Could be sexually, socially, financially or attractiveness.

( 3 ) If the H is the plan B or C man

( 4 ) If the W has maintained contact.

Before me my W had a Frenchman for a friend, she always maintained it was platonic, and for perhaps 15 or 20 years letters were Sent back and forth.

Should it ever turn out that they were physical I would not be happy about it.

( 5 ) It’s always good to know who the Ex’es are, it’s a cliché here isn’t it that people go back to ex lovers even decades later.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Longtime Hubby said:


> I guess what bothers me is the lack of transparency. I've shared 95 percent of my sexual history with her. The other 5 is kinda boring, LOL.
> 
> But she is very reluctant to share her past with me. I find that odd. Tells me one guy was "inconsequential." I don't know, I think nobody is inconsequential because everyone from our past - be it in a good way or bad way - has an impact on our lives.They influenced the persons we are today.
> 
> ...


I don't want to know. My wife was a virgin when I married her in her 20's but I'm sure there were some **** sucking adventures that I plug my ears too if the topics arise on occasion.


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## DamianDamian (Aug 14, 2019)

No, because my wife is quiet, and has only had 3 sexual partners her whole life. If she had a lot more then she probably wouldn't have been the type of woman for me.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Well, there were a couple of troublesome things from her past.

But they are both dead now.😉


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> Well, there were a couple of troublesome things from her past.
> 
> But they are both dead now.😉


there Ya go … two of my ex GF lost to Big C


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> In the west those rings worn like that would be an engagement ring and a wedding ring. How old was she when you met?


32


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

DamianDamian said:


> No, because my wife is quiet, and has only had 3 sexual partners her whole life. If she had a lot more then she probably wouldn't have been the type of woman for me.


My wife is also quite and is a good wife, doesn`t drink, never done drugs, never had nights out or gone out with friends without me since we`ve been married. I have and always have been the breadwinner throughout our whole marriage. She takes care of me well except for the sex part and was a great mother to our daughter.
But it`s her being quite and somewhat mysterious that makes me feel less connected to her, she rarely conveys her feelings to me or what`s she`s thinking.
Being quite means nothing, in-fact it makes me more inquisitive as to what`s going on in her mind. I`d rather have a wife who is more open to me.
As regards sexual partners, it is said that whatever body count a woman claims to have had, is to multiple that number by 3 and whatever body count a man claims to have had is to divide that number by 3.


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

It didn’t bother me until... it did.

Then again, for 30 years of my life, I thought I had married the town's virgin. Turns out I actually married a porn star.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

I had a friend who married a gal who was once a stripper.  After about five years he found out she was getting laid like asphalt by other men. When he came crying to me I said "Um... dude... you married a stripper. WTF did you think was going to happen?"


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

BoSlander said:


> It didn’t bother me until... it did.
> 
> Then again, for 30 years of my life, I thought I had married the town's virgin. Turns out I actually married a porn star.


Holy cow! How did you find out? Was she a porn star before marriage? Or during?


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

No woman instantly becomes a nun the moment she gets married. A woman's past does matter. Most women who spend their 20's banging bad boys and chads end up settling down with Mr. Safe and Dependable in their 30s, and that poor sap always gets the scraps off the table.


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Holy cow! How did you find out? Was she a porn star before marriage? Or during?


I was exaggerating a bit. When I met my XW she played me pretty good. She withheld sex for weeks and moron me took it for her being extremely committed. We get married, I come to find out she’s been “passed around” (and I’m biting my lip on this one) and that she has an ex that still misses her a lot. Like A LOT A LOT.

Moron me decides to look the other way.

Worst mistake of my life.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

BoSlander said:


> I was exaggerating a bit. When I met my XW she played me pretty good. She withheld sex for weeks and moron me took it for her being extremely committed. We get married, I come to find out she’s been “passed around” (and I’m biting my lip on this one) and that she has an ex that still misses her a lot. Like A LOT A LOT.
> 
> Moron me decides to look the other way.
> 
> Worst mistake of my life.


Dude, we’ve all done that. I’m just finding out now - 30 some years later - things about her past. And this is long after she knew about my past.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

My wife has zero past before me. It isn’t the holy grail of anything and comes with its own set of issues. We were each other’s first and in the long run I think it might of been better if we had both had a little bit of experience to bring to the table. So while the question of this thread is Does my wife’s past bother me ….. it isn’t for the reason you would think.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

ArthurGPym said:


> No woman instantly becomes a nun the moment she gets married. A woman's past does matter. Most women who spend their 20's banging bad boys and chads end up settling down with Mr. Safe and Dependable in their 30s, and that poor sap always gets the scraps off the table.


If this is true then the opposite is likely just as true in that married does not turn sexually repressed and inhibited people into sex kittens.

these 25+ year old virgins that have never let a man touch their boobies are not going to instantly turn into a sexpot when you put a ring on her finger either.

If an adult woman has never had any sexual experiences and has never gone past a side hug and good night kiss on the cheek,, it’s not because she is so virtuous and pure and so devoted to Jesus….

it’s because she’s not into sex and is sexually repressed and inhibited and has a bunch of hang ups and issues.

so while marriage doesn’t turn people into nuns, it doesn’t turn people into their husband’s own private porn star either.

marriage does not cure problems or fix problem behavior. If anything, it may create or at least exacerbate problems.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

BoSlander said:


> I was exaggerating a bit. When I met my XW she played me pretty good. She withheld sex for weeks and moron me took it for her being extremely committed. We get married, I come to find out she’s been “passed around” (and I’m biting my lip on this one) and that she has an ex that still misses her a lot. Like A LOT A LOT.
> 
> Moron me decides to look the other way.
> 
> Worst mistake of my life.


It's because she saw you as true marriage material, and she didn't want you to think she was cheap, so she faked implying she was a virtuous woman, when in reality she was playing you. It's all about maintaining control in the relationship for some women. For her to let loose with you and let her freak flag fly on the first date would have sent you a warning signal, so she starved you instead.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

gameopoly5 said:


> My question to the husbands are, have you ever been curious about your wives past or discovered anything about your wives past that has made you feel less connected to your wives or even damaged your marital relationship?


Knowing what I know about my wife's past before me, and not knowing what I don't know. All I can say is I hope she had lots of fun and enjoyed herself immensely.

Of which what she has chosen to share or to not share with others sexually, doesn't matter to me. Since a) her past doesn't belong to me, b) she isn't my property, c) I'm not insecure, and d) I'm not the thought police.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

oldshirt said:


> these 25+ year old virgins that have never let a man touch their boobies are not going to instantly turn into a sexpot when you put a ring on her finger either.
> 
> If an adult woman has never had any sexual experiences and has never gone past a side hug and good night kiss on the cheek,, it’s not because she is so virtuous and pure and so devoted to Jesus….
> 
> ...


Dunno. Some people just need that permission. That was virgin me at 29. No flirt, no touch, but once I was given permission it was, as Martha Raye used to put it "Whoooooh boy!" I still need explicit, volunteered permission before I will approach a woman. I suppose there are some women out there that just need permission as well.


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

Personal said:


> Knowing what I know about my wife's past before me, and not knowing what I don't know. All I can say is I hope she had lots of fun and enjoyed herself immensely.
> 
> Of which what she has chosen to share or to not share with others sexually, doesn't matter to me. Since a) her past doesn't belong to me, b) she isn't my property, c) I'm not insecure, and d) I'm not the thought police.


Just answer the question… No need for the moral grandstanding orgy.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Personal said:


> Knowing what I know about my wife's past before me, and not knowing what I don't know. All I can say is I hope she had lots of fun and enjoyed herself immensely.
> 
> Of which what she has chosen to share or to not share with others sexually, doesn't matter to me. Since a) her past doesn't belong to me, b) she isn't my property, c) I'm not insecure, and d) I'm not the thought police.


sound advice. thanks


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

BoSlander said:


> Just answer the question… No need for the moral grandstanding orgy.


No, it's necessary.

@Personal , good answer.
👍👍👍👍


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

No, it doesn't trouble me at all. We (over the first year or so) shared our past experiences and stories. She experienced some abuse and misuse as a teen, had a variety of partners (as had I) but that had no effect on our relationship then or since.


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## Parallax857 (May 15, 2012)

I was once married to a woman who was a virgin when we first met. Of course we met when she was young. At the time it meant a lot to me that I was her first. But looking back, that was a reflection of my insecurity. We had a great relationship for a while and then things went wrong. Eventually, she left me.

My sense is she left in part because she wanted what we once had. The thrill of falling in love, the beauty and purity of new love, untainted by disappointment. I wasn't that much more experienced than she but I knew that relationships like ours were rare and that maintaining (and getting back to the love if things get messed up) requires work and commitment. She expected it to be easy, like falling in love.

I share this because my sense is her lack of experience had a big part in our marriage ending. Had she known how rare and precious such love was, I'm fairly sure she would have been more motivated to go to counseling together and work to restore it.

Now it's not as simple as I write because eventually she did open the door to reconciliation and I chose not to go through. Plus, I did much more to mess things up originally than she did. What can I say? Things are complex. People are complex. I was pretty damn immature.

Took many years to find someone I cared about that much again. But now I'm 12 years married to an amazing woman. It's a beautiful marriage. We grow closer with time. Of course she has a past. We've shared about our prior relationships. Pretty much everything, I think. At least to the extent appropriate. I don't think it would benefit anyone to get into details of sexual experiences or too deep into past feelings. It is, after all, the past. The past is dead, except to the extent it influences the present. So when one of us can shine light on the present by sharing about the past, I think it's healthy. If one is living in the past or using it to hurt someone, then one is on the wrong track.

I don't think my wife has lied about anything. It would not surprise me if she downplayed details, either to protect me, or because she forgot them or saw them as irrelevant, or simply because it's human nature to turn away from things we'd rather not remember. I recall her telling me about one experience that she described one way at first, and then later on came to see as unhealthy and abusive. I appreciated her willingness to share her journey of self discovery and to be vulnerable enough to let me see her pain.

I can't say these discussions have never brought up challenging feelings. We're all insecure at times and I don't want to think about her being intimate with others. But I truly trust that our relationship is way beyond anything that came before. Even more important, it's alive in this moment, whereas the past is dead. So it's easy to move beyond it. It would be silly to dwell on the past, and be weighed down by it, when life and love are right here in this moment. As I worked through my insecurities, I've made that mistake in other relationships. I'm glad I was able to work through enough of my challenges to no longer get caught in that stuff because it was so senseless and self defeating.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

A woman's past, or a guy's, doesn't have to trouble you. If that past hasn't been kept hidden (the infamous "Secret Sexual Basement"), it's likely not a big deal. But if someone has misrepresented themself, through outright lies and omission, it can create a bad pattern in which the person misrepresenting themselves sees dishonesty as better serving their needs in general. 

And there's the big one, denial of agency. Manipulation and gas-lighting fall under this catch-all category, a category that you don't hear much about.

When you understand your partner's past, when you can figure out if that's who they still are, or how they've moved on from that, nothing there has to be scary. It's just the stuff that created the man or woman you love today.


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

Casual Observer said:


> [...]If that past hasn't been kept hidden (the infamous "Secret Sexual Basement"), it's likely not a big deal. But if someone has misrepresented themself, through outright lies and omission, it can create a bad pattern in which the person misrepresenting themselves sees dishonesty as better serving their needs in general.[..]


That's the crux of the story: you don't know what you don't know, you can only pretend you do. 99.9999% of people with shady pasts trying to reenter the sexual or romantic marketplace *will LIE through their teeth* precisely because they know that divulging their past sex and romantic life will seriously handicap their present chances/_mojo_. So they keep it quiet or minimize it or blame someone else's "runny mouth" for their bad reputation.

It's only when you're well into your marriage that someone (usually a drunk friend) will let something slide that will awaken your curiosity and then, BOOM MOTHERF-CKING BOOM! You find out you married a porn start turned Mother Theresa. And now she won't even give you a BJ, even though she once swallowed 35 oral cream pies in a crazy Saturday at Jennifer's.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Casual Observer said:


> A woman's past, or a guy's, doesn't have to trouble you. If that past hasn't been kept hidden (the infamous "Secret Sexual Basement"), it's likely not a big deal. But if someone has misrepresented themself, through outright lies and omission, it can create a bad pattern in which the person misrepresenting themselves sees dishonesty as better serving their needs in general.
> 
> And there's the big one, denial of agency. Manipulation and gas-lighting fall under this catch-all category, a category that you don't hear much about.
> 
> When you understand your partner's past, when you can figure out if that's who they still are, or how they've moved on from that, nothing there has to be scary. It's just the stuff that created the man or woman you love today.


Yep, everyone in our lives has played a role in developing the persons we are today. No doubt.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

BoSlander said:


> That's the crux of the story: you don't know what you don't know, you can only pretend you do. 99.9999% of people with shady pasts trying to reenter the sexual or romantic marketplace *will LIE through their teeth* precisely because they know that divulging their past sex and romantic life will seriously handicap their present chances/_mojo_. So they keep it quiet or minimize it or blame someone else's "runny mouth" for their bad reputation.
> 
> It's only when you're well into your marriage that someone (usually a drunk friend) will let something slide that will awaken your curiosity and then, BOOM MOTHERF-CKING BOOM! You find out you married a porn start turned Mother Theresa. And now she won't even give you a BJ, even though she once swallowed 35 oral cream pies in a crazy Saturday at Jennifer's.


Damn. Excitable today, huh?


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Damn. Excitable today, huh?


Warren Zevon song in my head now.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

BoSlander said:


> That's the crux of the story: you don't know what you don't know, you can only pretend you do. 99.9999% of people with shady pasts trying to reenter the sexual or romantic marketplace *will LIE through their teeth* precisely because they know that divulging their past sex and romantic life will seriously handicap their present chances/_mojo_. So they keep it quiet or minimize it or blame someone else's "runny mouth" for their bad reputation.
> 
> It's only when you're well into your marriage that someone (usually a drunk friend) will let something slide that will awaken your curiosity and then, BOOM MOTHERF-CKING BOOM! You find out you married a porn start turned Mother Theresa. And now she won't even give you a BJ, even though she once swallowed 35 oral cream pies in a crazy Saturday at Jennifer's.


Wow. You certainly put my issues in perspective. 99.999% of people (with shady pasts) routinely lie about their pasts to get what they want in a relationship? Has it always been this way, or is it something that's worse now than before? The irony being, it is so easy to uncover one's past through a digital trail, without even intending to. Happens all the time. 

What exactly is a "shady past" anyway? I would be far more trusting of someone with a believable "shady past" story than I would someone whose sense of self depended upon being snow white.


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## Parallax857 (May 15, 2012)

What is "snow white" anyway? BoSlander's view of the world strikes me as extremely cynical. My feeling is one's past is irrelevant, no matter what it is, as long as it's in the past. If a woman was a prostitute who, as a result of personal growth, came to a place where she just wants one special guy, that's great. I'd be fine with it as long as she didn't lie about it because the lie removes my agency, my ability to make healthy choices about what works for me. 

We all make mistakes. Most of us have some degree of pain and trauma in our pasts. We also have the potential to grow and evolve. That's what makes life worthwhile. That there's always a road back, always compassion and forgiveness (if we can forgive ourselves). I'm sure there will be people who would not be alright with a partner's promiscuous past. Others will be just fine with it because they're more focused on the here and now.


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

Parallax857 said:


> [...]My feeling is one's past is irrelevant, no matter what it is, as long as it's in the past.[...]


Well, according to Corey Wayne, "*current and past events form future trends*."

Good luck with life.


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

Casual Observer said:


> Wow. You certainly put my issues in perspective. 99.999% of people (with shady pasts) routinely lie about their pasts to get what they want in a relationship? Has it always been this way, or is it something that's worse now than before? The irony being, it is so easy to uncover one's past through a digital trail, without even intending to. Happens all the time.
> 
> What exactly is a "shady past" anyway? I would be far more trusting of someone with a believable "shady past" story than I would someone whose sense of self depended upon being snow white.


"Shady past," to me, is the type of past that, were the person to sincerely divulge what they'd done sexually with other people, it would seriously compromise any present romantic/emotional relationship, certainly in it advancing to the marriage stage. Which is why these people keep it secret.

Life is about making informed decisions and anyone preventing you from making informed decisions is crossing many lines, all at once.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

It's not that we live in past it's more that........

The past lives in us.

We are the summation of our past, even if we cannot retrieve or understand all the details. 2 + 2 = 4 but so is 3 + 1.

I wonder about how many of those foreign brides offered on websites etc are actually ex prostitutes.

In a way it's fraud by either the groom or bride to conceal anything significant before a marriage.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Casual Observer said:


> Wow. You certainly put my issues in perspective. 99.999% of people (with shady pasts) routinely lie about their pasts to get what they want in a relationship? Has it always been this way, or is it something that's worse now than before? The irony being, it is so easy to uncover one's past through a digital trail, without even intending to. Happens all the time.
> 
> What exactly is a "shady past" anyway? I would be far more trusting of someone with a believable "shady past" story than I would someone whose sense of self depended upon being snow white.


As regards a digital trail, that`s not always possible for couples who have been together for 25 years or more before the days of the Internet and social media.
In these situations it`s only if a partner has a friend or family member who will spill the beans but in most cases friends or family won`t say anything. 
And people who do gaslight about their past or don`t divulge too much about their pasts means they have something to hide and that`s where the shady part kicks in because their silence makes it appear suspect and shady.
And as you said; "I would be far more trusting of someone with a believable "shady past" story than I would someone whose sense of self depended upon being snow white" and that`s exactly it. Because people who try to hide, cover up or lie about their past makes them seem less trustworthy.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Well, there were a couple of troublesome things from her past.
> 
> But they are both dead now.😉


I know what you mean. Kind of glad I did not have to shoot her real dad, he did that himself before we met.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

If you look, you will find and you will never forget it.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Your wife said she was a 32 year old viegin?

Do you believe that?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Livvie said:


> Your wife said she was a 32 year old viegin?
> 
> Do you believe that?


Not impossible, but...


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> Your wife said she was a 32 year old viegin?
> 
> Do you believe that?


Back in the day I was naive and bought it, but today no, I don`t believe that any more.
But too late now to worry about that and have to place it at the back of my mind.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

Livvie said:


> Your wife said she was a 32 year old viegin?
> 
> Do you believe that?


I almost made it to my 30th. Just one month short. There are some of us around.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Julie's Husband said:


> I almost made it to my 30th. Just one month short. There are some of us around.


yeah but you’re a dude, that doesn’t count.

If a chick is half way attractive and a 32 year old virgin,, there’s something way way strange about that. 

Some guys will think that is a good thing and think that she is just very pure and virtuous and devoted to faith and think they somehow tripped over a jackpot and fell into a gold mine.

But there’s a very real chance instead of getting a gold mine, they are going to get the shaft.

The biggest chance is she is simply lying.

But if it’s true, there’s probably something more going on than Jesus.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

@*gameopoly5*

You were sold a false bill of goods. Unfortunately, it took you 35 years to find out. Whatever she is hiding must not have made any difference in your life together, but the lie alone would drive nuts.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Rubix Cubed said:


> @*gameopoly5*
> 
> You were sold a false bill of goods. Unfortunately, it took you 35 years to find out. Whatever she is hiding must not have made any difference in your life together, but the lie alone would drive nuts.


I don`t believe I am alone in this respect.
I`m sure many wives have events from their pasts that they are keeping from their husbands. 
I really do not understand the reasoning behind why some wives have secret pasts.
I`d like to know if any other guys have discovered things from their wives past that they were not told about?


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

gameopoly5 said:


> I don`t believe I am alone in this respect.
> I`m sure many wives have events from their pasts that they are keeping from their husbands.
> I really do not understand the reasoning behind why some wives have secret pasts.
> I`d like to know if any other guys have discovered things from their wives past that they were not told about?


Mine was a treasure trove. She told me, while being courted, that she only had two or three lovers before me. Turns out it was more like 40 or 50. In college, she was known as "the queen of the one night stand." All the bad things I found out AFTER we got married.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

gameopoly5 said:


> I don`t believe I am alone in this respect.
> I`m sure many wives have events from their pasts that they are keeping from their husbands.
> I really do not understand the reasoning behind why some wives have secret pasts.
> I`d like to know if any other guys have discovered things from their wives past that they were not told about?


My wife never told me about one guy she had a mysterious relationship - before we dated - with until we were married nearly 26 years. She knew about all my past women. Names. Why she waited so long to reveal this guy is beyond me.

She claims she can’t recall his name. Uh huh. And has zero memories of any fun they enjoyed. Not one detail. Um, sure. And he allegedly was her first. …Yet, she recalls he was 10 years older, the son on her landlady, was unemployed. Oh, and she traveled three hours out of state with him
one weekend for rock climbing.

Bet she climbed his rock. And she says NO sexy memories. Not one! Do I look that dumb? Lol. Makes me wonder if she only had two guys - as she claims - before me.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Longtime Hubby said:


> My wife never told me about one guy she had a mysterious relationship - before we dated - with until we were married nearly 26 years. She knew about all my past women. Names. Why she waited so long to reveal this guy is beyond me.
> 
> She claims she can’t recall his name. Uh huh. And has zero memories of any fun they enjoyed. Not one detail. Um, sure. And he allegedly was her first. …Yet, she recalls he was 10 years older, the son on her landlady, was unemployed. Oh, and she traveled three hours out of state with him
> one weekend for rock climbing.
> ...


Are you happily M today and through all the years...., she a good W, you a good H?
If so, why in the world is this a sticking point for you?


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Are you happily M today and through all the years...., she a good W, you a good H?
> If so, why in the world is this a sticking point for you?


Not a sticking point. Both relatively happy.LOL. Just wondering why she brought it up all these years later. And why she has no memories. Was hoping to hear a few to use in pillow chat that we both find inspiring in bed. Need a little extra now and then.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Longtime Hubby said:


> My wife never told me about one guy she had a mysterious relationship - before we dated - with until we were married nearly 26 years. She knew about all my past women. Names. Why she waited so long to reveal this guy is beyond me.
> 
> She claims she can’t recall his name. Uh huh. And has zero memories of any fun they enjoyed. Not one detail. Um, sure. And he allegedly was her first. …Yet, she recalls he was 10 years older, the son on her landlady, was unemployed. Oh, and she traveled three hours out of state with him
> one weekend for rock climbing.
> ...


Best to let this one go. She may or may not actually remember his name, or maybe doesn't want to remember his name anymore. No point in worrying about it. My wife won't speak the name of the first person she had sex with. She has told me about him a long, long time ago, but I can't remember his name anymore. She only had sex with him 3 times and I know she enjoyed it at the time, but she also felt used by him afterwards. All she will say is how much she regrets it. I tell her not to, it is part of what made her the women she is today. I'm reasonably sure that her sexual past with him is partially what caused a rift between her and her next BF that she was engaged to prior to us meeting. I'm actually very happy that her ex-finance was not her first sexual partner. 

There are plenty other sexy topics to discuss than a past lover.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Longtime Hubby said:


> My wife never told me about one guy she had a mysterious relationship - before we dated - with until we were married nearly 26 years. She knew about all my past women. Names. Why she waited so long to reveal this guy is beyond me.
> 
> She claims she can’t recall his name. Uh huh. And has zero memories of any fun they enjoyed. Not one detail. Um, sure. And he allegedly was her first. …Yet, she recalls he was 10 years older, the son on her landlady, was unemployed. Oh, and she traveled three hours out of state with him
> one weekend for rock climbing.
> ...


This all sounds familiar to me.
When I ask my wife about certain people she knew in the past, suddenly she develops chronic amnesia.
Can`t remember names, can`t remember places, can`t remember events, says she has no idea what happened to them or where they are now. But other things she can recall in absolute detail.
When I pushed her on questions she once told me about an older male friend of her landlord she thought was a handsome guy, but they never dated she said.
I found photos of her just before we met where she is dolled up and made up, that she has never worn for me. I asked her who took the photos? Oh, some guy I used to work with she`d say but again can`t remember anything about the guy.
In response to Ragnar Ragnasson post. Yes, my wife and I have been happily married for many years, but that`s not the point. When a partner has secrets it can make one feel less connected with them and probably have friends that know more about them than their partners do and that does craw in the throat somewhat.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Not a sticking point. Both relatively happy.LOL. Just wondering why she brought it up all these years later. And why she has no memories. Was hoping to hear a few to use in pillow chat that we both find inspiring in bed. Need a little extra now and then.


 I can offer, in a long M, like mine for example, from me as example sometimes random tidbits come up sparked by a random, weird, or strange scene in a movie or things we see during the day, oddball or even common stuff sometimes sparks a thing I may comment on to W. But nothing said in hurtful way, just huh that's interesting, I remember that a bit, etc etc. 

All that stuff is just casual and trivia type conversation in today's times.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

gameopoly5 said:


> This all sounds familiar to me.
> When I ask my wife about certain people she knew in the past, suddenly she develops chronic amnesia.
> Can`t remember names, can`t remember places, can`t remember events, says she has no idea what happened to them or where they are now. But other things she can recall in absolute detail.
> When I pushed her on questions she once told me about an older male friend of her landlord she thought was a handsome guy, but they never dated she said.
> ...


But those friends don't really know more about her than you. They may know more about some specific event, set of events, or something like that, but they don't have the other many years of being married to your wife. Would you feel better if she said I remember, but I don't want to talk about it? Or would that lead you mull it over even more in your mind and want to bug her about it?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

gameopoly5 said:


> This all sounds familiar to me.
> When I ask my wife about certain people she knew in the past, suddenly she develops chronic amnesia.
> Can`t remember names, can`t remember places, can`t remember events, says she has no idea what happened to them or where they are now. But other things she can recall in absolute detail.
> When I pushed her on questions she once told me about an older male friend of her landlord she thought was a handsome guy, but they never dated she said.
> ...


My point is that at some point old memory stuff is simply that. One making mountains out of molehills is a bad sign of insecurity and DOES NOT lead to a spouse sharing anything more. Why would she if she gets beat on the head every time?

Hell I can't remember the names of at least a third of the women I had sex with when single.

Eta: correct spelling


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Best to let this one go. She may or may not actually remember his name, or maybe doesn't want to remember his name anymore. No point in worrying about it. My wife won't speak the name of the first person she had sex with. She has told me about him a long, long time ago, but I can't remember his name anymore. She only had sex with him 3 times and I know she enjoyed it at the time, but she also felt used by him afterwards. All she will say is how much she regrets it. I tell her not to, it is part of what made her the women she is today. I'm reasonably sure that her sexual past with him is partially what caused a rift between her and her next BF that she was engaged to prior to us meeting. I'm actually very happy that her ex-finance was not her first sexual partner.
> 
> There are plenty other sexy topics to discuss than a past lover.


Sometimes she will discuss. Usually quiet as a church mouse


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

I dont know man. I can relate a bizarre story. My bio-dad's third wife, will call her P. They married when I was a young adult. The firs ttime I met her was at my own wedding.

To me, she always seemed "off", but I joined the military and was only around her for short periods of time in the next twenty years. She always told stories that seemed to my wife and myself, to be exagerrations, etc.

About 15 years ago, she came down with lung cancer. Both her and my dad smoked like a blast furnace. She died in the hospital. My dad, when trying to close up al the legal stuff for her probate, ran into a brick wall. He had to get my mother (1st wife) to help him sort it all out.

Turns out nothing she had told him about her past, had anything remotely to do with reality. Her teenage son when my dad married her, was not hers, was supposedly adopted, but no records could be found and he was not biologically related to her. Her birth certificate was found to be falsified. In reality, she was the same age as my dad's mother (my grandmother). Turnes out she had been married back around 1943, my dad was born in 1946. She had given birth to a son and daughter (both older than my dad). She had abandoned her husband and children in the early 1950's. The son is serving life in the state prison, the dauughter lives i the town she was raised in nad has her own family. 

Turns out that P had spent multiple vacations in insane asylums over the decades. She had jumped from man to man, been involved in the drug culture int he 1960's. All kinds of bizarre stuff. Her entire biological family actuall thought she had died or something. Her parents never knew what happened to her, her first husband and children also. She completely changed her appearance, forged birth certificate, applied for a SSN under the new id, everything. 

Her and my dad had a relatively stable marriage for twenty something years. She did not work and she adopted a motherly, wait on him hand and foot kind of relationship. I have no idea about their sexual life and have no desire to, but my dad was happy. After she died and it all unraveled, he has spoken to me and is absolutely baffled at it all.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

BootsAndJeans said:


> I dont know man. I can relate a bizarre story. My bio-dad's third wife, will call her P. They married when I was a young adult. The firs ttime I met her was at my own wedding.
> 
> To me, she always seemed "off", but I joined the military and was only around her for short periods of time in the next twenty years. She always told stories that seemed to my wife and myself, to be exagerrations, etc.
> 
> ...


Wow. Like a movie!


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Longtime Hubby said:


> She claims she can’t recall his name. Uh huh. And has zero memories of any fun they enjoyed. Not one detail. Um, sure. And he allegedly was her first.


It's amazing how some women's memories fade. It's also amazing that they think we're stupid enough to believe them. Why not just tell the truth? "That was before we met, and I don't want to talk about him."


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> But those friends don't really know more about her than you. They may know more about some specific event, set of events, or something like that, but they don't have the other many years of being married to your wife. *Would you feel better if she said I remember, but I don't want to talk about it? *Or would that lead you mull it over even more in your mind and want to bug her about it?


In my opinion that`s just a bad.
Keeping secrets within a marriage can ignite feelings of suspicion and resentment among partners. We would all like to believe that those closest to us can be trusted, that those we love and respect say what they mean, and that what they say is truthful. Trust is severely compromised when partners learn that a secret, especially one that is compounded by a lie, has been hidden from them.
In my case it makes me feel being treated like a school boy who`s mother is telling me this sort of adult stuff is not for my ears.
Regardless that the past is the past so why bother mentioning this, it can still have an effect on relationships, even if only seeming trivial to some. (Fact).


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Sfort said:


> It's amazing how some women's memories fade. It's also amazing that they think we're stupid enough to believe them. Why not just tell the truth? "That was before we met, and I don't want to talk about him."


That is exactly what I’ve said. “If you have memories and don’t want to share with me, that’s cool“ 

a friend calls is WSA, wiife’s selective amnesia. only applies to sex, before you and with you.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

gameopoly5 said:


> In my opinion that`s just a bad.
> Keeping secrets within a marriage can ignite feelings of suspicion and resentment among partners. We would all like to believe that those closest to us can be trusted, that those we love and respect say what they mean, and that what they say is truthful. Trust is severely compromised when partners learn that a secret, especially one that is compounded by a lie, has been hidden from them.
> In my case it makes me feel being treated like a school boy who`s mother is telling me this sort of adult stuff is not for my ears.
> Regardless that the past is the past so why bother mentioning this, it can still have an effect on relationships, even if only seeming trivial to some. (Fact).


Then you leave her in a no win situation unless she tells you everything or keeps it a well hidden secret. I can say from my perspective I have much more respect for my wife's choice when she says I remember his name, but I don't want to talk about it rather than lie and say she doesn't remember. Of course you don't really know if the can't remember comment is true or not. 

We are pretty much an open book to each other, but if there is something she doesn't want to tell me and has a reasonable explanation I've found it best to drop it. There have been times in the past where I've badgered her into telling me and it has never been worth it. I get an almost useless piece of information at the cost of creating some level of resentment in her.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

gameopoly5 said:


> In my opinion that`s just as bad.


Maybe so, but this problem should be uncovered early in the relationship. If it's a deal breaker for the husband to want to know the details, and if it's a deal breaker that the wife doesn't want to share them, the relationship shouldn't continue. The problem is, retroactive jealousy often kicks into gear for the first time after MANY years of marriage. Things the woman tells her then-boyfriend can manifest into serious issues decades into their subsequent marriage. It's a mental thing.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

gameopoly5 said:


> I don`t believe I am alone in this respect.
> I`m sure many wives have events from their pasts that they are keeping from their husbands.
> I really do not understand the reasoning behind why some wives have secret pasts.
> I`d like to know if any other guys have discovered things from their wives past that they were not told about?


Fear of judgement...and in all fairness, it is not a baseless fear. 

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

gameopoly5 said:


> This all sounds familiar to me.
> When I ask my wife about certain people she knew in the past, suddenly she develops chronic amnesia.
> Can`t remember names, can`t remember places, can`t remember events, says she has no idea what happened to them or where they are now. But other things she can recall in absolute detail.
> When I pushed her on questions she once told me about an older male friend of her landlord she thought was a handsome guy, but they never dated she said.
> ...


We ALL have secrets. The real question is why you need to know so much about your wife's history prior to you. 

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Hell I can't remember the names of at least a third of the women I had sex with when single.


Yep.

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Sfort said:


> Maybe so, but this problem should be uncovered early in the relationship. If it's a deal breaker for the husband to want to know the details, and if it's a deal breaker that the wife doesn't want to share them, the relationship shouldn't continue. The problem is, retroactive jealousy often kicks into gear for the first time after MANY years of marriage. Things the woman tells her then-boyfriend can manifest into serious issues decades into their subsequent marriage. It's a mental thing.


I agree and why I don`t believe in getting married too quick until getting to know more about the person one is marrying.
Last year one of my wife`s closest female friends who go back a long way together died.
I managed to sneak preview one of my wife`s texts to the friend`s fiance. He told my wife that he has photos from my wife`s friend`s albums and asked would she like them?
My wife replied no, because she doesn`t want me (her husband) to see them because she looks better in the photos with some guy (foreign name I`ve never heard of) than with me her husband.
So I did not let on I`d seen the text and asked if her friend had any photos of her in her albums? My wife replied no and didn`t bother to ask, but I`ll ask my friend`s fiance if you like, she said.
So my wife obviously has past events in her life and even between her friends now that are off limits to me.
I left it at that but I was upset knowing my wife was gaslighting me. And now I don`t bother asking her anything.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

gameopoly5 said:


> And now I don`t bother asking her anything.


And THAT is one of the things you have to do to deal with RJ. It's probably as difficult as stopping smoking.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

farsidejunky said:


> Fear of judgement...and in all fairness, it is not a baseless fear.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


Sometimes I think this is my wife's take. It wasn't until I was seeing a psychologist to deal with emotional issues from cancer treatment that we both opened up. After 43 years of marriage.

I suspect I opened up more than she. I had experiences I had not been able to talk about until I opened up to the psychologist after over 45 years. I let it all hang out, but I think she was more cautious.

I am openly curious and would in no way judge. Her experiences made her the woman I love.

As to remembering sexual experiences, the last woman I slept with before chasing my wife to be is a total blank. I remember taking her to a restaurant for a drink and conversation as I could not believe she was actually in on a blind hookup with me. (She was.) And I remember seeing myself all disheveled when leaving her apartment and asking her what the neighbors would think. Her answer "That you got what you deserved," is puzzling and hard to forget.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Julie's Husband said:


> Sometimes I think this is my wife's take.


Has that feel here, too.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> We ALL have secrets. The real question is why you need to know so much about your wife's history prior to you.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


The pic he posted was an engagement ring and a wedding band worn in that fashion.
Some secrets may be fine for some people but being previously engaged or married seems like it should be on the 'honest and forthcoming' list. Just like everything, there are levels of the severity of the secrets.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Rubix Cubed said:


> The pic he posted was an engagement ring and a wedding band worn in that fashion.
> Some secrets may be fine for some people but being previously engaged or married seems like it should be on the 'honest and forthcoming' list. Just like everything, there are levels of the severity of the secrets.


Yeah, I agree with that. You don't need to know all the ins and outs and details of past relationships, but you should at least know about the existence of a previous fiancé. That is a pretty big part of your life to fail to mention or "forget".


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Partly it also depends on your W.

My W felt guilty for decades for not revealing to me that someone she told me she kissed also fondled her breasts. The guy was a few years before me and it hit me like a goose feather but it was traumatic for my W to reveal it, perhaps it was the long term lying.

Sometimes the confession is for your W as much as it is for your need to know. It will allow your W to free herself from her trap of guilt and embarrassment. This trivial detail was on my Ws mind for years.

It may also allow her to reveal what she really likes sexually which she abandoned and suppressed in her past with someone else.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I rarely asked and didn't worry. Be thankful for 34 good years.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

_"My question to the husbands are, have you ever been curious about your wives past or discovered anything about your wives past that has made you feel less connected to your wives or even damaged your marital relationship?" _

Only the part of the past where she was trading body fluids with an AP after we traded vows -

and the "connection" hasn't been the same since - 

no need to talk about hindsight 😒


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

gameopoly5 said:


> I agree and why I don`t believe in getting married too quick until getting to know more about the person one is marrying.
> 
> Last year one of my wife`s closest female friends who go back a long way together died.
> *I managed to sneak preview* *one of my wife`s texts* to the friend`s fiance. He told my wife that he has photos from my wife`s friend`s albums and asked would she like them?
> ...


Do you see that your behavior is just as deceitful as your wife’s?

You seem to think you’re better than her. You’re not.

You lie to each other.

On a fundamental level, you both lack trust.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

minimalME said:


> Do you see that your behavior is just as deceitful as your wife’s?
> 
> You seem to think you’re better than her. You’re not.
> 
> ...


I`ll try to convey this another way and this applies to both men and women.
If applying for a job in most cases a prospective employer will ask for references as a means of trying to determine if a job applicant is suitable for the job, that includes are they honest or have a past history that they are hiding and prefer not to divulge.
Similar applies if thinking of getting married because a person would want to know as much as possible about a partner they`ll be spending the rest of their life with. Again this applies to both men and women.
It`s nothing to do with trust it`s about being connected to each other in every aspect and knowing the person one is going to be with forever, past and present.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

gameopoly5 said:


> I`ll try to convey this another way and this applies to both men and women.
> If applying for a job in most cases a prospective employer will ask for references as a means of trying to determine if a job applicant is suitable for the job, that includes are they honest or have a past history that they are hiding and prefer not to divulge.
> Similar applies if thinking of getting married because a person would want to know as much as possible about a partner they`ll be spending the rest of their life with. Again this applies to both men and women.
> It`s nothing to do with trust it`s about being connected to each other in every aspect and knowing the person one is going to be with forever, past and present.


We didn't need it. We were attracted by what we saw and how we shared. What we saw was the result of past experience. We didn't ask what that experience was. We did share bits from time to time, but mostly about 43 years after marriage. We were satisfied that each was the center of the other's world.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

BigDaddyNY said:


> But those friends don't really know more about her than you. They may know more about some specific event, set of events, or something like that, but they don't have the other many years of being married to your wife. Would you feel better if she said I remember, but I don't want to talk about it? Or would that lead you mull it over even more in your mind and want to bug her about it?


May be more of a "she wants to keep secrets, what else is she hiding from me"


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Luckily, my wife married her HS BF at 17, she filed divorce 10 yrs later, 4 mo before I met her. After leaving him she had 2 angry ONS which she stated she cried after because it did nothing for her anger toward her STBXWH and she felt worse having a ONS as that was not her. She met me and 2 mo later, I went with her to court to finalize her divorce....26 yrs ago.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> May be more of a "she wants to keep secrets, what else is she hiding from me"


Exactly how it feels here. She told me - after near 26 years marriage - about this fling she had before us. She had to know all about my history. This nugget was left out of what she told me. Why? Now says she can't recall the guy's name. Puhleeze. He allegedly was her first. Allegedly cuz I don't know for sure. The mystery crap is really weird


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Exactly how it feels here. She told me - after near 26 years marriage - about this fling she had before us. She had to know all about my history. This nugget was left out of what she told me. Why? Now says she can't recall the guy's name. Puhleeze. He allegedly was her first. Allegedly cuz I don't know for sure. The mystery crap is really weird


WTH would she bring crap up after this long. I would tell my wife what you have said, "You just had to know my past when you have lied and hid this all these years, makes me wonder what else you been hiding from me over the years" "How convenient you "Can't remember" "Makes me second guess how trust worthy you are as a partner" "partners don't hide **** from each other"


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

My wife's past can't bother me because I was her first, her last, and her only. If it did bother me, I would be looking in the mirror.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> WTH would she bring crap up after this long. I would tell my wife what you have said, "You just had to know my past when you have lied and hid this all these years, makes me wonder what else you been hiding from me over the years" "How convenient you "Can't remember" "Makes me second guess how trust worthy you are as a partner" "partners don't hide **** from each other"


That’s pretty much what I said to her. Said she’s hiding nothing. Said her nameless lover is “inconsequential.” I said i feel sorry for him cuz I’m sure he recalls you.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

farsidejunky said:


> We ALL have secrets. The real question is why you need to know so much about your wife's history prior to you.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


Of course we do. The issue is whether someone is witholding context from their relationship, basically denial of agency. Made worse if there are attempts to cover those secrets up. It's a relationship, not just all about the individual. You could say there are actually three people in a marriage; the two spouses plus the two together. Different people will have different views; all of this should be discussed early on. Boundaries for privacy. And it should be considered that things have a way of being discovered accidentally, and how will that play out?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Longtime Hubby said:


> That’s pretty much what I said to her. Said she’s hiding nothing. Said her nameless lover is “inconsequential.” I said i feel sorry for him cuz I’m sure he recalls you.


If she "failed" to bring it up for 26 yrs, that is hiding something, if he was inconsequential....then why did she bring it up after 26 yrs. Her actions do match her words.

When something is brought up in the future about something you failed to do or information you withheld.....tell her "Well that information was, How did you say it, Inconsequential.... so I just forgot to mention it"


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> If she "failed" to bring it up for 26 yrs, that is hiding something, if he was inconsequential....then why did she bring it up after 26 yrs. Her actions do match her words.
> 
> When something is brought up in the future about something you failed to do or information you withheld.....tell her "Well that information was, How did you say it, Inconsequential.... so I just forgot to mention it"


Exactly! You read my mind. I’m not buying what she is selling. i don’t care about her past. I do care about why it took so long for her to bring up. And, as you noted, what else is being hidden? …will use that line!


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Longtime Hubby said:


> That’s pretty much what I said to her. Said she’s hiding nothing. Said her nameless lover is “inconsequential.” I said i feel sorry for him cuz I’m sure he recalls you.


Ouch! This turned out to be 100% true in our case. Therapist recommended trying to validate what wife had written in diaries (source of huge and not-known-to-me angst and trauma for her and our marriage). She insisted it was all fantasy. She remembers zero. The guy remembered e-v-e-r-y-t-h-I-n-g exactly as written. Therapist did not believe either of us would have the balls to contact that guy. But I did and it presumably has saved our marriage.

You can argue all you want about secrets and privacy, but when it affects someone’s mental state, when it’s a source of huge pain that they hide, that’s where things can go wrong

The situation I describe is different from a long time happily married couple that suddenly learns something about a past that is very upsetting and causing retroactive jealousy or trust issues in general. The best way through that situation may require being a better, more forgiving, more understanding person. If the past together was great, why not the future!


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> My wife's past can't bother me because I was her first, her last, and her only.


Same here.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

In my case, suspecting my wife had been engaged before we met and the more I discover the more I become certain that my wife is lying including last year when she told her recently deceased best friend`s fiance she doesn`t want me to see photos her friend had in her albums because she looks better with some other guy than with me, to me is a big deal because as other posters have said, what else has my wife been keeping secret from me over the years. Obviously when discovering your wife is hiding something like that the mind starts to boggle.
I`ve been married before and my wife has even met my first wife.
We are happily married, still continuing our lives as normal but after this I can`t look at her in the same way again and just something I`ll have to live with.
Reverting back to a post I made earlier, this is why it is wise to first get to know more about a person before rushing into a marriage as I did.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

I try to just live in the Now...I would only be concerned if a past Bf showed up


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

This Thread is very hard on women.

Deservedly, or not.


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

Oh, another thing that I found extremely offensive about my XW was finding out, well into our marriage, that she had a network of orbiters. This group was mostly made up of coworkers and friends of friends on her side, some of whom she stopped communicating with at one point or another (probably because they figured out they would never get any _punani_,) but some of whom she did engage in sexting with once in a while. 

Another thing that still baffles me to this day is my XW's strange attraction for her ex. I mean, when I met her she made it abundantly clear she did not want anything to do with the guy because he treated her like sh-t. Twenty five years into our marriage, I come to find out she was meeting the guy a couple times a year (probably having sex too) for about 20 of those years, and that she only dropped him because his wife found out (she never told me anything). Hardest part was knowing some friends of ours kind of hinted they knew this was going on and never said a thing.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Casual Observer said:


> Therapist did not believe either of us would have the balls to contact that guy. But I did and it presumably has saved our marriage.


You contacted your wife's previous boyfriend?


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Sfort said:


> You contacted your wife's previous boyfriend?


i had to read his post twice. Looks like he did. yowza


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

BoSlander said:


> Oh, another thing that I found extremely offensive about my XW was finding out, well into our marriage, that she had a network of orbiters. This group was mostly made up of coworkers and friends of friends on her side, some of whom she stopped communicating with at one point or another (probably because they figured out they would never get any _punani_,) but some of whom she did engage in sexting with once in a while.
> 
> Another thing that still baffles me to this day is my XW's strange attraction for her ex. I mean, when I met her she made it abundantly clear she did not want anything to do with the guy because he treated her like sh-t. Twenty five years into our marriage, I come to find out she was meeting the guy a couple times a year (probably having sex too) for about 20 of those years, and that she only dropped him because his wife found out (she never told me anything). Hardest part was knowing some friends of ours kind of hinted they knew this was going on and never said a thing.


Something similar to this with my wife, though I found out much sooner.

She had been divorced six years when we met. Her ex was physically, verbally, emotionally abusive. Druggie and drug dealer, meth cooker, in and out of prison, serial cheat. About six months before we got married, a lot of things from her past came to a head. Circumstances forced some things to come out and I had lots of questions. She was honest even when honesty didn't paint her in a good light.

Putting together the pieces of those conversation with things I had heard her friends say in the past led to me asking her when the last time she had had sex with her ex was. That particular question really got her defensive. Where she had been open about other things, her initial response was that she didn't feel it was any of my business, and she was offended that I would even ask. She did finally answer once she realized I was ready to walk away from the relationship if I didn't get an answer. The last time was less than a week before we met, and it was a regular thing for her every week or so since about six months after they divorced, except for the 18 months she was dating this other guy.

What that told me was that for her, how a partner treated her, the state of the relationship, had absolutely no bearing on her having sex with someone. Sex was something she could fully compartmentalize separate from a relationship, and even the partner.

Something I still can't begin to wrap my mind around.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Sfort said:


> You contacted your wife's previous boyfriend?





Longtime Hubby said:


> i had to read his post twice. Looks like he did. yowza


Yes. Nice guy. He tried to cover for her first until read the relevant part of the diary. She made quite the impression on him, this church girl who was saving herself for marriage. Exact same story she gave me. His tune changed when he learned there were two before him. She was leading two very separate lives which she was never able to reconcile. She blamed me for her loss of interest in sex, immediately after first becoming fully intimate, because I’d taken her virginity before marriage. Which, by the way, was her idea at the time.

So there you have it. Crazy thing is, there was no lie. The only potential deal breaker was her cheating on a boyfriend prior to me.

3+ years of therapy so far. More to go. It’s like living in the twilight zone and all of it because of “secrets” and not knowing things that would directly affect a long term relationship. This isn’t about sexually-damaged “goods.” What a horrific label. This is about mental damage caused by not being who you are.

The hatred for herself, that she has tried to keep hidden, is intense. She never dealt with her failures (to herself). She expects the worst of everyone, and for good reason, she believes nobody is ever truthful or trustworthy. She’s finally getting help and getting better.


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

samyeagar said:


> Something similar to this with my wife, though I found out much sooner.
> 
> She had been divorced six years when we met. Her ex was physically, verbally, emotionally abusive. Druggie and drug dealer, meth cooker, in and out of prison, serial cheat. About six months before we got married, a lot of things from her past came to a head. Circumstances forced some things to come out and I had lots of questions. She was honest even when honesty didn't paint her in a good light.
> 
> ...


I still, to this day, get flashbacks of what I was doing when all of this was going on... almost like my brain does not want to let it go. It's been months since d-day happened and, even though I've been able to put most of the pieces of her puzzle together, what really irks me is the overwhelming feeling that all of this was happening and there I was, with my kid, sitting at home thinking I had the perfect life, that my wife coming home 30 minutes later was nothing unusual. One of the thoughts that keeps me up all night is a particular afternoon... son was 7 at the time and we were building a Thomas the Tank Engine track that he liked to do... twas right before Christmas too... fireplace lit up... all nice and cozy... she comes home and says "I love my life!" and proceeds to kiss and hug us. I felt so proud... 

Little did I know, many years later, I'd find a text from her to her ex (in her old flip phone) in which she tells him "I wish you could be here with me right now" about 2-3 hours after I remember her saying "I love my life!" This nightmare I can't get out of my head. As well as many others.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Longtime Hubby said:


> That’s pretty much what I said to her. Said she’s hiding nothing. Said her nameless lover is “inconsequential.” I said i feel sorry for him cuz I’m sure he recalls you.


Or maybe he is still someone in your lives that she doesn't want to be excommunicated from your circle.
Not cheating with him but wants to keep him as a 'friend'.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Rubix Cubed said:


> Or maybe he is still someone in your lives that she doesn't want to be excommunicated from your circle.
> Not cheating with him but wants to keep him as a 'friend'.


Anything is possible. Can't recall name? Can recall "he was blond, unemployed, about 10 year older, son of my landlady" Oh, and the trip they took three-plus hours away for rock climbing in Baraboo, Wis. but can't recall name or what they enjoyed together. Um, okay. ... I'd be surprised if he was still part of her life all these years later. Then again, was surprised to learn about this guy . who knows with wives?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Jimi007 said:


> I try to just live in the Now...I would only be concerned if a past Bf showed up


Problem is with a secretive woman, he would not know who that was. I'd find a way to get a look at those photo albums, to find out who I married.


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