# Former cheater having fantasies of cheating + reliving old memories



## purrhotstuff (Apr 21, 2011)

I'm not sure if this should be in this side of the forum or in sex in marriage. I apologize if I posted incorrectly :scratchhead:

Hi all. I've been married to my DH for 5 years and together with him for 7.5 years. No PAs or EAs for the both of us.

I am a former cheater. In all of my adult relationships, I either cheated on my bf's or was open about seeing other people. Once i met the dh, that all stopped. We just celebrated our 5 year anniversary and for the first time in a long time, I'm having fantasies about cheating but more of a problem is me reliving my past. I'm going back to my memories of cheating and satisfying myself to the thought of them. What I'm worried about is not me cheating, but this can't be healthy and it sure isn't fair to my H. It would hurt me to find that he was satisfying himself while thinking about previous sexual episodes.

I seem to be concentrating on previous cheating episodes. Also I am fantasizing about watching my husband being with another woman. I was willing to explore this option with my bf's in the past but it just never happened. I know this would be a deal breaker if my husband knew about this, he's firm on not introducing a 3rd party to the sex relationship. Like the cheating, it's not something I'm even considering. I just feel very guilty for fantasizing about these things.

Any former cheaters in here experience the same problems?


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

purrhotstuff said:


> Any former cheaters in here experience the same problems?


No. The pain from my cheating and his cheating was enough to make me never want to do it again. It makes me sick actually when I think about what we both did. Not worth it.


----------



## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I am not a cheater. Never have been. I was faithful to my H for our entire 15 years together but he was a serial cheater. I do think that you are doing the right thing by recognizing you have a problem. A fantasy can easily become an obsession and an obsession becomes so powerful that a person is driven like a mad man with only one thing in mind. The desire to satisfy themselves. I would suggest getting help now. Go speak to a therapist. Your H does not have to know right now. Do not get to the point where you lose control.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

AppleDucklings;300173[ said:


> You have not cheated in this current relationship...YET. And your past has ALOT to do with it. Our past shapes us into who we are today. You are a serial cheater, you have admitted to it and nowhere do you mention that you have gone to counseling to help yourself. A person such as yourself who repeatedly cheats, WILL do it again. You probably won't find anyone here who feels sorry for you. Now, as victims of infedility, we can offer you straight up, no holds barred advice and opinions but because of your past with serial cheating, if you want to have a future with your curreny GF, get yourself help or down the road you will be back on here crying that you cheated and she left you.


What's good for the goose....


----------



## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I do think it's very bad to be fantasizing about others in order to get off. 

In the past when my relationships have been bad, i did resort to fantasizing about other men, in order to get turned on and to cum.

I don't do that any more, I allways fantasize about my fiance, and if i don't feel like I am connected with him or am feeling a little unloved, and particularly if we have not been flirting it can be harder for me to do that. However this is not his fault, or is often unintentional so I tell him, and we work on it. he makes me feel loved and sexy and turns me on.

Instead of looking to other men and creating less intimacy between you and widening the gap (which i believe is a huge mistake for males or females) you should let go of your inhibitions and let him know what he can do to turn you on.

For instance, i particularly like like it when my SO gets a bit bossy (dominant) or tells me he can't wait to f%^k me etc. I let him know this, so that he can help fullfill my fantasies. And if he likes me to do something or to wear something then i do it too.


----------



## purrhotstuff (Apr 21, 2011)

Thank you for your responses. 
I will probably begin IC for this and work on our sex life at the same time.

DH has been working lots and if I'm honest with myself, I tend to do this when I'm home alone and bored. I should fix this before it goes any further.


----------



## HungUp (Feb 26, 2011)

While I definately see that keeping these thoughts from your DH is obviously the easiest, possibly appearing the best option, but I do believe there could be something to gain by telling him.

One being that since no cheating has occurred then it will emphasise your willingness to be open and trying to sort issue's before they go further - I would REALLY appreciate my wife bringing things up like that rather then them potentially getting the better of her - and cheating again.

A secret kept is more likely to be a thrill to you which if told, then it's not a secret so less thrilling! An easy fix?

And of course this is an issue you need to work on, and why not encourange your DH to help - possibly strengthening what you have? Just another perspective...


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

purrhotstuff said:


> Thank you for your responses.
> I will probably begin IC for this and work on our sex life at the same time.
> 
> DH has been working lots and if I'm honest with myself, I tend to do this when I'm home alone and bored. I should fix this before it goes any further.


Did you tell your husband that you were a serial cheater before you got married?


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Once more, did you tell your husband about your serial cheating before you married him?


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey PHS----along with going to IC---why don't you spend your boring time---thinking of ways to spice up your mge---and make it, so both of you will want to be involved with each other, and no one else

If you have all this time on your hands---why not get into some hobbies, or whatever else you are interested in---do charity work, go to sporting events, get involved with sports you can do---go out with your girlfriends---do things, and don't just sit and think about how you wanna cheat, and have kinky sex


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

purrhotstuff:

If my ex-wife had told me about her fantasies and her desire to have sex with another man, it sure as hell would have bothered me but I'm a big boy and *I would have taken it as a sign of her trust in me*. It's too bad that she didn't trust me enough, kept it to herself and eventually acted on it.

Do you trust your husband enough to share your deepest, darkests secrets? If not then you've got a huge problem on your hands and you may end up cheating on your husband like my wife did. More so in your case since you have stated that you a recovering serial cheater.

Don't allow your marriage to become a cesspool of secrecy.


----------



## purrhotstuff (Apr 21, 2011)

morituri said:


> Did you tell your husband that you were a serial cheater before you got married?


Yes he was full aware at the time. It was a sore point for a few years.


----------



## purrhotstuff (Apr 21, 2011)

jnj express said:


> Hey PHS----along with going to IC---why don't you spend your boring time---thinking of ways to spice up your mge---and make it, so both of you will want to be involved with each other, and no one else
> 
> If you have all this time on your hands---why not get into some hobbies, or whatever else you are interested in---do charity work, go to sporting events, get involved with sports you can do---go out with your girlfriends---do things, and don't just sit and think about how you wanna cheat, and have kinky sex


I don't have an abundance of time when I'm not doing something, I usually keep busy. The DH and I just have different shifts at work. I work a standard salary, 8 hour a day job but the dh is often at work for 12 to 14 hours. 

I've always been alone for maybe a hour or two but now it has increased to 3 to 4 hours. I do not just sit around and twiddle my thumbs, I tend to the household and work on occupational projects but like clock work, I get a thought in my head and it is hard to fight. This began a few weeks ago and the frequency in which I pleasure myself to these ideas has increased. The increase catapulted after I was at the store one day and ran into a former affair. We didn't speak, we just locked eyes and I flew out of there but my bad activity has picked up after this.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

purrhotstuff said:


> This began a few weeks ago and the frequency in which I pleasure myself to these ideas has increased. The increase catapulted after I was at the store one day and ran into a former affair. We didn't speak, we just locked eyes and I flew out of there but my bad activity has picked up after this.[/FONT]


It sounds like you need to tell your husband that you are experiencing a surge in your sexual appetite. 

He's must step up to the plate to give his woman (you) what she desperately needs. It's his duty as your lover.


----------



## Wondering1 (Jul 7, 2011)

Hi,
We experienced the same and still do at times.
Maybe we can share help and see if we can win.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

No but I think there are ways of role playing with your H to act this out. I'd maybe see a therapist about it since who knows it could be helpful or it could be playing with fire. It's your sex drive, don't go out on the road without a license. I think you sound very objective and aware and still in the driver's seat. So you'll probably stay that way. If not you wouldn't be worried. I wonder if this is more about other uncertainties in your life and a faltering of confidence that's been generalized to what used to be an achilles' heel.


----------

