# I had an emontional affair



## imlost2 (Apr 10, 2014)

I had an emotional affair with a female coworker that lasted a little over a year. We talked, confided, texted(sexting) and emailed each other. Her marriage has been rocky for a while and mine I thought was just fine, but obviously it wasn't. A while back her husband began suspecting she was up to something and found some text messages on her phone, not just from me by the way. One which included her scantily clad that she sent me. I knew this was wrong but I kept going with it. The affair basically started fading and eventually ended, but we still see each other at work.

Her husband walked out on her last week after more incidences, (his wife going on girl's only Cuba trip with condoms in her suitcase, flirting with other men at work and at bars, etc.). But the texts he found were also part of why he left her.

The guilt became unbearable so I felt I had to confess what I did to my wife because I didn't want her to hear it from him. Last night I came clean about the affair to my wife of 8 years and I have to say she took it better than I thought she would. She somehow felt that it was both our faults that I went looking outside the marriage for whatever reason. I'm incredibly lucky to have her in my life and can't forgive myself for what I have done to her. I love my wife more than anything and we are both committed to salvage our marriage. I agreed to get individual and couples counselling in order to fix what I did.

Her marriage is I think coming to an end, she has 3 children and I have none. I know that what happened between us wasn't the only reason her marriage is falling apart but I know I did my share to ruin it. She's had infidelities more than once and the trust in their relationship is pretty much non-existant. 

Now that I know her husband knows, should I send him an email or facebook message telling him the details?

That we didn't sleep together, how long it lasted, how it started, that it is over and also that my wife already knows. He's always been suspicious of his wife sleeping around, but she didn't do it with me that's for sure.

Am I going to create more problems by doing that?

If I do should I get her to read it first before I send it to him?

Is it rubbing salt in the wound?

Sincerely,

Confused


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## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

I'm curious since our situations are similar. I'm the BS and my wife is the WS and she had an EA with a coworker. One of my demands, which she so kindly declined, was for her to find another job. Has that talk come up yet? Are you willing to do that?

This sounds salvageable on the surface but she's in shock right now, so who knows what the following weeks and months will bring for you. All I know, is that if you want to make this work, you have to move heaven and earth for her. You have to show her that. My wife did not and now we're on our way to an official separation, which, I better pack up and get ready to go


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

imlost2 said:


> I had an emotional affair with a female coworker that lasted a little over a year. We talked, confided, texted(sexting) and emailed each other. Her marriage has been rocky for a while and mine I thought was just fine, but obviously it wasn't. A while back her husband began suspecting she was up to something and found some text messages on her phone, not just from me by the way. One which included her scantily clad that she sent me. I knew this was wrong but I kept going with it. The affair basically started fading and eventually ended, but we still see each other at work.
> 
> Her husband walked out on her last week after more incidences, (his wife going on girl's only Cuba trip with condoms in her suitcase, flirting with other men at work and at bars, etc.). But the texts he found were also part of why he left her.
> 
> ...


Don't contact him. She's been cheating on him for years, with multiple OM's. Some(probably many) of her cheating has also been PA. Your words will do little in helping him cope.

It's a nice gesture, but yould be dumping a glass of eater on a 3 alarm fire.


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## imlost2 (Apr 10, 2014)

I actually applied for another job last week before I even confessed. I felt like the walls were closing in on me and had to do something.

My wife completely understands why I did it and blames herself as well. I have no one else to blame but myself for this. I'm ready to fight for what I love even if it kills me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

imlost2 said:


> Is it rubbing salt in the wound?


I would say that yes, it is.

Also, I thought you were single til you said you were married, too.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

imlost2 said:


> I actually applied for another job last week before I even confessed. I felt like the walls were closing in on me and had to do something.
> 
> My wife completely understands why I did it and blames herself as well. I have no one else to blame but myself for this. I'm ready to fight for what I love even if it kills me.


You are both to blame for the problems in your marriage but she's not to blame for your choice to have an EA.

Every-time you have problems in your marriage you decide to have an EA?
Problems do not justify your affair. Your wife should start blaming herself and you should make it obvious for her. 

Though, this is a good chance to start working on your problems.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

First of all, your wife should NOT be blaming herself for what YOU chose to do. I really hope you find an MC who emphasizes this. You should do your share about that too - tell your wife that you refuse to let her take ANY of the blame for your cheating, but that you do agree that you both need to own your part of what was/is wrong with your marriage. There are two very distinct issues there, and the cheating is yours and yours alone to address. PLEASE find an MC who approaches it this way, or the damage to your wife will be compounded.

About contacting anyone - don't. Find another job somewhere so you're away from the OW and don't EVER do anything like this again. Get the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass and work through it with your wife.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

imlost2 said:


> I had an emotional affair with a female coworker that lasted a little over a year. The affair basically started fading and eventually ended, but we still see each other at work.


And your BS is OK with that?


> Her husband walked out on her last week after more incidences, (his wife going on girl's only Cuba trip with condoms in her suitcase, flirting with other men at work and at bars, etc.). But the texts he found were also part of why he left her.


So?


> The guilt became unbearable so I felt I had to confess what I did to my wife because I didn't want her to hear it from him.


Maybe not so much the guilt as the fear your BS would find out from WS's H. However at least you told her. 


> Last night I came clean about the affair to my wife of 8 years and I have to say she took it better than I thought she would. She somehow felt that it was both our faults that I went looking outside the marriage for whatever reason.


This is such an unusual reaction, in fact I don't think I've ever heard of such a reaction on TAM. Might she be having or had an A herself? It's just an odd response to finding out the person you love has been having an EA - which hurts every bit as much as a PA. I'm not trying to make an A where there isn't one. I think if I would have such a reaction if I had or was having an A myself.


> I'm incredibly lucky to have her in my life and can't forgive myself for what I have done to her. I love my wife more than anything and we are both committed to salvage our marriage. I agreed to get individual and couples counselling in order to fix what I did.


Good you are doing that.



> Her marriage is I think coming to an end, she has 3 children and I have none. I know that what happened between us wasn't the only reason her marriage is falling apart but I know I did my share to ruin it. She's had infidelities more than once and the trust in their relationship is pretty much non-existent.


I presume by 'her', you mean OW. Does your BS know that you are keeping tabs on OW like this? You know everything that's happening in OW's life? But of course you're still working together. Most BS would be outraged by that. 


> Now that I know her husband knows, should I send him an email or facebook message telling him the details?
> That we didn't sleep together, how long it lasted, how it started, that it is over and also that my wife already knows. He's always been suspicious of his wife sleeping around, but she didn't do it with me that's for sure.


You seem far too concerned about what's happening in your OW.s marriage. Why all this interest? Because you care? Are you trying to save her marriage for her? Do you think she even deserves it? With her other dalliances, condoms in Cuba for instance?


> Am I going to create more problems by doing that?


For whom? Your OW? Don't you see anything wrong with the fact that you will run to OW and desperately try to fix her marriage for her?


> If I do should I get her to read it first before I send it to him?


Sure, invite her to dinner and discuss it with her. Her H would be real happy with that if he found you two colluded in composing the letter. 

Have you heard about NC or have you been hiding under a rock? Is your OW aware of the concept?

You give the impression that you are more concerned about what happens with OW, a confirmed serial cheater and her marriage than you seem to be about your own which has has been glossed over with "BS took it well, I love her very much and we are going to MC". It's as if your marriage is a side show to the main act, i.e. what's going on with your OW and her marriage.

You even seem to have more guilt about any damage you might have caused in OW's marriage than you have about what you did to your own, because your BS 'took it so well' I suppose. 

This post is about your OW and her marriage problems, not about your own. You didn't even mention what problems you and your BS had in your marriage, you glossed over that in a sentence too. 


> Confused.


You are certainly are.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

The XOM contacted me after I threatened him and others, I gave him and others an ultimatum to contact me or else. And he actually called me as I was getting into my truck to head to his house.

I asked for him to talk to me.

If I had not asked I am not sure I would have wanted him to contact me.

It does seem like you have too much of an investment in the OW's marriage. My wife wanted to contact the XOM's wife to say how sorry she was. I told her she can do whatever she wanted but I did not like the idea, so she did not contact her. End it, kill it, don't keep the thing alive.


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## nikoled (Mar 12, 2014)

I'm going thru this very thing right now with my husband who had a workplace EA. you need to make sure your wife is clear that this is NOT her fault. You chose to have an EA. Your marriage may not have been perfect, but who's is? In my case OW no longer works there. If she had my husband would have had to quit his job. No way would I have been comfortable with them continuing to see one another.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## imlost2 (Apr 10, 2014)

Just an update. The OW approached me on Friday during work and asked if I was mad at her. I told her I couldn't talk with her anymore and all conversations from now on are strictly business. I will not be sharing in any personal conversations from then on. She wasn't happy and left. I told my wife about our conversation by the way.

I said my wife took well, she didn't, she was in denial that i did that to her. She is now extremely angry and disappointed with me and for good reason.

She's been looking for an apartment so we can spend some time separated while she decides if she wants to stay or leave. 

I've betrayed my wife during a time in our life where she needed me emotionally and physically and I let her down.

I don't even know if our marriage is salvageable at this point.

Thanks to everyone that replied.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

The stars aligned in your favor because your BW knows that this woman 

*has had physical affairs with others
*was sending you practically nekkid pictures of her cooch
*had physical access to you daily - 

and yet did nothing physical with you for OVER A YEAR calls for a suspension of disbelief. 

Thank your lucky stars. cause I don't think I'd suspend my disbelief. (would you if you heard this story from your wife?)


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

I don't think separation is going to help.

I would invite her to take some time to herself, within the home. Invite her to therapy.

Destroy all souvenirs of your betrayal

Change your phone number

Change your email address

Get off the internet social networking sites - facebook, twitter, etc

Share any accounts you have with her, create new ones OW wont recognize

Just get off the grid until your wife feels safe again.

You can fix this, but separation is not going to help.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

imlost2 said:


> Just an update. The OW approached me on Friday during work and asked if I was mad at her. I told her I couldn't talk with her anymore and all conversations from now on are strictly business. I will not be sharing in any personal conversations from then on. She wasn't happy and left. I told my wife about our conversation by the way.
> 
> I said my wife took well, she didn't, she was in denial that i did that to her. She is now extremely angry and disappointed with me and for good reason.
> 
> ...




I am a little lost as to your first post where your wife was upset and wanted to go to counseling and now the two of you might separate? I apologize if I missed something.

I think you did the right thing. You became completely transparent in your situation. That is very honorable. I was involved in similar situation and confessed my struggle to my DH. It is very, very hard at first. It is all a fresh wound to your wife...it will take a long time to heal but it can be done.

Can I ask...do you both want to reconcile? Have you sought MC? It is very hard to regain trust again, the two of you will have to reset boundaries in your marriage..

For what it is worth, I feel you did the right thing. I am thinking or you and your lovely wife. You two are not alone in these kinds of situations.


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## imlost2 (Apr 10, 2014)

over20 said:


> I am a little lost as to your first post where your wife was upset and wanted to go to counseling and now the two of you might separate? I apologize if I missed something.
> 
> I think you did the right thing. You became completely transparent in your situation. That is very honorable. I was involved in similar situation and confessed my struggle to my DH. It is very, very hard at first. It is all a fresh wound to your wife...it will take a long time to heal but it can be done.
> 
> ...


The night I told her we both agreed to seek help. She was in denial at that point, the next day after thinking about everything all night, she had a lot of questions. We are still seeking help, but she thought spending time apart might be a good time to find our individual selves.

We both want to reconcile and we both want help to understand why this happened. I also want to seek personal counselling to work on myself. 

My affair took place during a point where we were seeking fertility treatments, I wasn't fully into the whole thing, we had to have sex on command and I had to do my thing in a cup. But my wife wanted this bad and even though I didn't really want to I went along with it....you know give and take in a marriage. The timing on my part could not have been worst. Instead of giving her all my love, attention and affection, I strayed away.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Do not beat yourself up! You asked for forgiveness, you cut all contact ,are looking for a new job, willing to go to MC and are fully committed to your wife and I pray new baby in the future!

Friend these situations are so common. Marriage is very hard!! We all struggle! Your transparency is KEY! 

I will share. Two years ago, a very close friend of ours asked me to have a PA. See, we where friends with this couple for over 10 years! Our kids were friends, we all went camping together, shared tears together when a mutual friend died...we were all close. I did find the OM funny, cute personable of, I mean we were all friends.

When he approached me I became so confused...I mean I liked this guy....my mind was confused which led to my heart...I was so upset I confessed my struggle to my Hubs in tears....it was so hard but I had to bring the situation into the light before something worse would happen....we did go to MC a couple of times, broke off the friendship and made better boundaries...it was very tough!!

Long story short, you two are not alone!!!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

imlost2 said:


> I actually applied for another job last week before I even confessed. I felt like the walls were closing in on me and had to do something.
> 
> My wife completely understands why I did it and blames herself as well. I have no one else to blame but myself for this. I'm ready to fight for what I love even if it kills me.


Why does she blame herself for your cheating?:scratchhead:


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

imlost, sounds like your W went almost immediately from the denial phase to the anger phase of the grief process (I did the same, FWIW).

Don't contact OW's husband. What good can it do him? If what you say is true, he has enough to deal with already.


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## imlost2 (Apr 10, 2014)

over20 said:


> Do not beat yourself up! You asked for forgiveness, you cut all contact ,are looking for a new job, willing to go to MC and are fully committed to your wife and I pray new baby in the future!
> 
> Friend these situations are so common. Marriage is very hard!! We all struggle! Your transparency is KEY!
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for your support and kind words. It's comforting to know that I am not alone who made a wrong decision.

Hopefully our story will be a successful one and that we will come back stronger together than ever.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

You will friend. I will keep you and your lovely wife in my thoughts

Listen to Mr Philat...he is one of the wisest men on TAM!


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## imlost2 (Apr 10, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> Why does she blame herself for your cheating?:scratchhead:


My wife has always be goal oriented and never takes no for an answer. This is one of the reason I married her in the first place, she's always been my rock whenever S**t hits the fan, always. 

She blames herself for pushing to hard about fertility treatments and pushing me down to the point, I wanted to escape. I keep telling her that I made that decision, I could have done a million other things, but I decided to do what I did.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

I think it is very wise she saw that in herself....she shouldn't feel blame though.


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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

imlost2 said:


> Her husband walked out on her last week after more incidences, (*his wife going on girl's only Cuba trip with condoms in her suitcase*, flirting with other men at work and at bars, etc.).



Realistically, a husband, whose wife is going to Cuba on girls' only trip, should be glad that his wife is a health conscious woman. Did he think she was going there to shake Fidel Castro's hand? What the hell was he thinking she would do there?


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