# Problems with a cheating wife



## bsc820 (Jul 14, 2011)

I am in a bind, about 2 months ago i caught my wife cheating while I was out of town for work. She went out with a doctor she works with and I intercepted a message on Facebook from him that leads me to believe that the relationship was physical and emotional. She will only admit to a emotional relationship. We have a 1 year old son and we have been not getting along very well over the last few months before the infidelity. Just heated arguments, nothing more. Well after the infidelity, my wife agreed to go to counseling with me so that we could try and fix our issues. She has said that she has wanted to work on the realtionship and that she has no feelings for this other guy and that is completely over (which I believe since I hired a PI to follow her/track her). But since we have started counseling she has done nothing that the counselor has asked us to do and wouldnt even talk to me up until a few days ago. She would just respond with "i dont know" or yes and no answers and "i dont want to talk about this right now". She was neglecting me physically and emotionally as a husband but I have been trying to keep my family together and taking the high road and continuing to try as hard as I can. Well a couple of days ago, I went to her and just said that I am done and i cant be with her anymore. I continued with I am quitting counseling and I cant deal with you and the hurt and strain that you have put on this relationship with your cheating, neglect, and manipulative behavior and that it was over. I have been having anxiety attacks over this and it has hurt my job performance and affected the time that I was spending with my son. Well now she is freaking out that she dont want us to divorce (I filed the Monday after I caught her) and she is begging me to take her back. I dont know what to do now because mentally I am just over her at this point. During the time after the cheating she started taking Cymbalta since she was depressed. She said that the medication numbed her and caused her to lose her sex drive and that is whys he felt the way she did. She has been off of it for a couple of weeks now and i can tell a big difference in the way she is acting in a more positive way. I just dont know what to do, the pain that I have been feeling since she cheated and then neglected me for 2 months has ran so deep that i dont know that i can forgive her. Can anyone offer any advise because i am at a point where I was about to run.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Yes,
1) this sh8t aint going away, it took time to get were it is and its going to take time to resolve.
2) start a journal...write down your thought so you can have some sort of organization.
3) here is what happened; you got all lovey dovey and cried about your marraige which empowered your cheating wife, then you got confident and all f8ck that sh8t, and scared your wife, causing her to second guess her choices.
4) both your and hers emotions are all over the place so get your sh8t together and make sure you can convince your cheating wife that you are not confused and know exactly whay you want.


What you want is her privacy, you want her completely, you want to take control and rework this f8cked up marraige, and these terms are non negogiable (can't spell).

Do not empower her, it sound like your on the fence and the only way off it is her dicision to give her self back to you. If she can give her self back completely then take it if she b~tches about it then she's not ready and walk.

you saw 1st hand the action and reaction of empowerment, harness it or she will drag you along, cake eating and rollercaoster, and limbo b~llsh~t.

Know exactly what you want and except the consequences, iether she's with you or not....do not beg or plead ...this will only empower her to string you along in pain and missorry until *she* figures out whitch man to choose. Giving her this option will only f~ck you up worse.


Granted she is in the fog and will choose the POS, but it wont take long for her to regret it, esecially if you push her away...I know wierd , but people want what they don't have ...get it?


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## bsc820 (Jul 14, 2011)

That is great advise, i have been enabling her to be a ***** to me after the infidelity. She started saying that the arguments that we were having caused her to do what she did and that I was using abusive language. She never used those words until she got caught cheating ironically. When I told her that I am done with her ass, she realized that I wasnt playing around. i took the power back and i am going to keep it.


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## Closer (Jul 15, 2011)

I think you should move on with your life, man. Focus on it and never lose track You're entitled to your own happiness. If you felt powerful because of your decision to leave her, stick with it.

She's just using the "take me back" approach to make you who you were again. Don't fall for it.

You'll see that you'll find someone better, someone who will never cheat or manipulate you (provided that you are the same type of person).

You can do it, man.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

You have done exactly the right thing to get your wife back out of the fog. 
Forget the sex for now. The antidepressants do totally kill it 

You are very hurt and probably very angry. This is normal. 
She will need to do LOTS of work to regain your trust. She is the one who chose to have an affair. You gave her a chance and she was unable to deal with the reality she had created.

By slapping the Divorce on the table you have woken her up to true reality of the situation.

Personally I would leave the Divorce on the table but try a counseling session now. See what happens. Be very honest about how YOU feel. Where YOU are at. This is not about her feelings. It is YOU that was betrayed and YOU that offered your hand out for reconciliation. Which is a gift. 

Take it slowly now. She needs to understand how hurt you are. I think she has been missing this..


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Yup, you gave her a good dose of MR Reality. Is she still working around Dr wonderful? 

Did she ever confess to the physical aspect?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

ing said:


> You have done exactly the right thing to get your wife back out of the fog.
> Forget the sex for now. The antidepressants do totally kill it
> 
> You are very hurt and probably very angry. This is normal.
> ...



:iagree: Your wife is now ready for counseling. 

You also stated that the arguments didn't begin until after the birth of your child. Was depression a factor then? It sounds as though your wife could benefit from individual counseling in conjunction with marriage counseling.


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## bsc820 (Jul 14, 2011)

Locard said:


> Yup, you gave her a good dose of MR Reality. Is she still working around Dr wonderful?
> 
> Did she ever confess to the physical aspect?


She is very adament that she never slept with the guy. After i found out about the relationship I called her works HR dept and filed a claim about their relationship. I know that they met with the doctor and he was almost fired. I also sent her nurse supervisor the message that I intercepted on facebook from the dr to my wife. Everyone knows what happened at her work and if there was anything going on they would both be fired. i also installed spy software on her cell phone and there has been no communication since. So I do think that relationship is over.


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## bsc820 (Jul 14, 2011)

I have a counseling session with her today and i am going to lay down the law. If she even hesitates on any of the things that i say or ask her to do i am literally going to say Im done and walk out.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What did the message to the doctor say that led you to believe it was physical?

Basically she needs to be willing to put forth the same amount of effort you are in order to restore your relationship--maybe even moreso since she is the one who cheated. 

If she doesn't, decide whether you want to stay with her or not.


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## bsc820 (Jul 14, 2011)

Here is what the message said, it is very cryptic but let me know what you think.


Read your letter.. I'm sorry things went so badly yesterday. Hope nothing I said caused add problems, as I tried to deny/defer everything, but was taken by surprise with the texts/call.. 
It was extremely considerate of you to think of me and bring me the card in the midst of all you are dealing with. Had some things I wanted to say that I didn't think would fit in a text or two, so I thought this may be a safe way to send a message..
Please don't feel the need to apologize to me. I too hate that the situation became so frought with drama, but also knew the risks. What we did wasn't right I guess, but I don't believe things are simply black and white in these situations. Your husband may want (NEED) to make us the villains now, but usually things have already be done/damaged in a relationship to open the door for such activity. So dont let yourself get sucked into that..

I know you probably feel down now and your mind is all over the place. I don't think these situations/relationships even are able to end as peacibly as one would hope, even under ideal circumstances. If you truly regret where things have gone with your husband, then admit to only whatever you are comfortable with - Cabana, hand holding, etc - and I will support that claim to him as well, and you two can try to move forward. If the end is truly what you wanted, then all I can do is try to encourage you and say that it definitely will get better, and second guessing yourself is a normal part of the process. You are strong and independent and will be fine. Don't let the legal b.s. scare you either.. One thing I did learn is none of this other ****/behavior/allegations really matters - cause both parties almost always carry their share of the blame/responsiblity. While we shouldn't be proud of what we've done, you shouldn't be ashamed either (and shouldn't worry about being puninshed). Every individual decides when they have had all they can take in a relationship, and sometimes that doesn't coinicide with the judge's signature on the divorce decree.
Now, I guess a word on my end.. As I said I could not have enjoyed the time we spent together more, and had feelings that I haven't had in years - where I genuinely enjoyed ALL aspects of another's company. I looked forward to our texts/interaction and found these past couple months filled with happiness and optimism. I don't consider myself overly romantic, but also not a man who is driven only by his libido. It is hard to say how much of what we had is something more, and what may just be several months of fantasy. I do believe there is a connection and I don't think I would have participated in creating this '****storm' if it were just lust. And I would still like to find out what may be between us. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you. And I can guarantee that either way you will find your smile again, and I very much look forward to that. Really, if there is anything I can do to help let me know. Scott


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

bsc820 said:


> If you truly regret where things have gone with your husband, then admit to only whatever you are comfortable with - Cabana, hand holding, etc - and I will support that claim to him as well, and you two can try to move forward.
> 
> I don't consider myself overly romantic, but also not a man who is driven only by his libido.


They totally f-cked.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

bsc - based on that I have to agree to you. Can't imagine what all that is about otherwise - AND they're conspiring to cover it up to you. Sounds like you're getting trickle truth - which is normal but certainly sucks.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> They totally f-cked.


Yes they did. I don't know this guy and it was not my wife. I still want to kick his @ss until he cries like a baby. But that's just me.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

bsc820 said:


> She is very adament that she never slept with the guy. After i found out about the relationship I called her works HR dept and filed a claim about their relationship. *I know that they met with the doctor and he was almost fired.* I also sent her nurse supervisor the message that I intercepted on facebook from the dr to my wife. Everyone knows what happened at her work and if there was anything going on they would both be fired. i also installed spy software on her cell phone and there has been no communication since. So I do think that relationship is over.


Almost fired is not fired. So your wife still works with him?


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

They fu(ked. No doubt. I want to kick his a$$ also. Let me and Entorphy go after him


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

Yes my man, your wife did the good doctor a tremendous favor!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

it-guy said:


> They fu(ked. No doubt. I want to kick his a$$ also. Let me and Entorphy go after him


LOL. :smthumbup:

The email just makes this guy out to be a real jerk. He is taking advantage of his position at work to enable this affair. They are more likely to fire the woman in this case.

I have actually been in discussions with HR where they had two parties equally guilty about an incident. Not sexual. A confrontation. The decision was to keep the employee with the greater value to the company and fire the other.

Update: I am not suggesting that the OP attack this guy. Just that the OM is a real piece of work and deserves to have his butt kicked severely.


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## bsc820 (Jul 14, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Almost fired is not fired. So your wife still works with him?


I wanted to get him and her both fired but after talking with a lawyer, he said to call back and recend my claim because if she lost her job I would have to pay her alimony and/or child support so I called her work back and negated the claim. Yes, she still works with him. She has been looking for another job, she just hasnt been able to find one yet. She has showed me where she has been applying on her companies website, they cover multiple hospitals. So she is going to go to another hospital. I gave her a 4 week ultamatim last night and if she is not in another job, I am definitely out.


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## bsc820 (Jul 14, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Yes they did. I don't know this guy and it was not my wife. I still want to kick his @ss until he cries like a baby. But that's just me.


Dont get me wrong, I would like to go f*uck this little weasel up but i have a son and i cant. I called him from her phone and basically told him that I knew where he lived and told him his address, I said I know what you drive told him along with his license plate number and said i know where you work also, I would hate for something really bad to happen to you. i think that he is scared of me as he should be.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

bsc820 said:


> I wanted to get him and her both fired but after talking with a lawyer, he said to call back and recend my claim because if she lost her job I would have to pay her alimony and/or child support so I called her work back and negated the claim. Yes, she still works with him. She has been looking for another job, she just hasnt been able to find one yet. She has showed me where she has been applying on her companies website, they cover multiple hospitals. So she is going to go to another hospital. I gave her a 4 week ultamatim last night and if she is not in another job, I am definitely out.


It comes down to me anyway whether you are playing for the divorce or you are trying to save ypur marriage. I realize the threat of divorce is important to save your marriage. 

The thing is that immediate NC is key to end the affair. I see you are doing your best to balance this all out, so I am not critiszing you. This is tough stuff. If this is going towards divorce then you probably did the right thing.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

bsc820 said:


> Dont get me wrong, I would like to go f*uck this little weasel up but i have a son and i cant. I am very fit and I can beat some ass, this guy is a little nerd and i would kill him in a fight. I called him from her phone and basically told him that I knew where he lived and told him his address, I said I know what you drive told him along with his license plate number and said i know where you work also, I would hate for something really bad to happen to you. i think that he is scared of me as he should be.


I am not saying you should beat this guy up. Don't do that. I am saying that his email makes me hate this @sshole. He is a real jerk.


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## bsc820 (Jul 14, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> It comes down to me anyway whether you are playing for the divorce or you are trying to save ypur marriage. I realize the threat of divorce is important to save your marriage.
> 
> The thing is that immediate NC is key to end the affair. I see you are doing your best to balance this all out, so I am not critiszing you. This is tough stuff. If this is going towards divorce then you probably did the right thing.


I dont know what I want honestly, after this infidelity instead of my wife trying to make up for it she completely neglected me. this caused further pain and damage and i am not sure if this thing can be recovered. I am going to a counseling session today and it may be my last before i just get out of this. i am still not sure what to do. Based upon the circumstances, do you guys think that this thing can be salvaged.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

bsc820 said:


> . Based upon the circumstances, do you guys think that this thing can be salvaged.


It can be as long as she ends all contact with him, shows she is truly remorseful and committed to the marriage, and both of you fix what was wrong in your marriage and commit 100% to eachother.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> It can be as long as she ends all contact with him, shows she is truly remorseful and committed to the marriage, and both of you fix what was wrong in your marriage and commit 100% to eachother.


Yup


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Make her take a poly, about any questions you have as to their relationship------that will get you some reaction one way or the other---but that letter pretty much says he was inside her!!!!!!!


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## bsc820 (Jul 14, 2011)

JNJ, you are right man and even though she wont admit to it i know that i am going to have to forgive for a physical and a emotional relationship no matter what she says. She would never have the balls to admit to me that she slept with him. i just dont know if i am prepared to do so. She hasnt shown any commitment until I told her that i was pressing forward with the divorce and that she can go F*ck herself. then she wants to start trying. Why are women so crazy? Not all but most.


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## bsc820 (Jul 14, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> LOL. :smthumbup:
> 
> The email just makes this guy out to be a real jerk. He is taking advantage of his position at work to enable this affair. They are more likely to fire the woman in this case.
> 
> ...


I couldnt agree more with you more. I would like to bash his face in and I think about actually doing it everyday.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

The truth is the truth---you have evidence from that letter, as to anything you might do publicly----go to his website, and proclaim him, a homewrecker, who destroys innocent families, go to the hospital website, and do the same----tell his spouse if he has one, what he does---you have the evidence to back you up---------let the public know what kind of a person they are dealing with, when they go to this Dr.


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## bsc820 (Jul 14, 2011)

I told her today that no matter what happens that this mf'er will pay. If we stay together and i cancel the divorce, i am going to go to HR in person and file a complaint with the letter in hand. If we get a divorce he will have to testify about what they did and that will be a public record. i will take that record to her work and file a complaint with the statement. Either way he is screwed, I am just going to have to be patient because part of the pending divorce is I cant contact her work about anything or it can be used against me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Keep a copy of that letter someplace safe for your eyes only.

Did you tell his wife about the affair? If not, that is the first thing you should do. STAT. Don't let your wife know beforehand you are doing it (or him).


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## bsc820 (Jul 14, 2011)

He just completed his divorce in May. So he is no longer married.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

bsc820 said:


> He just completed his divorce in May. So he is no longer married.


Nice that he's trying to share the misery with you - this guys a real winner....


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

820, In my opinion, this is a lost cause. She hasn't told you the truth, they haven't stopped contacting each other, they are conspiring to Gaslight you, and neither of them are showing the slightest regret. She has done NONE of the things she needs to do to save the marriage, and she has shown repeatedly that she is a liar. She neither loves or respects you, so why would you want a woman like that? Do you really want to go through life with a woman you cannot trust?


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Yup. You are doing a wonderful job of dealing with this WS. Now, regarding forgiveness, you can't forgive someone if they haven't come clean. Someone can't atone for a wrong until they confess it. She NEEDS to come clean and stop playing you for a fool if she want to stay in the R. If you can't get her to confess, ask her to take a polygraph.


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## bsc820 (Jul 14, 2011)

Well here is an update, I wrote Sprint and got her text messaging records from 3/1/11 going forward. I told her no contact with this dr after I discovered the relationship and she agreed to this. She allegedly went to him and work and said no personal contact just strictly professional only and he agreed. So anyways she had no idea that she could pull the records up from her texts and that is how she had been contacting him. Well after June 1st she hasnt contacted him once. Granted from the beginning of april to june 1st she sent him 447 text and he texted her 350 times. I feel like their relationship is over but I am still so angry about everything and I just explode on her sometimes. She is trying to work things out now and I am more angry now than I was. I dont know how to get over this and move forward.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

She is still in contact, if she see's him---she may not be talking to him, on a personal basis, but if she is talking to him about anything, for any reason---she is in CONTACT----he is still firmly implanted in her mind----NC---means just that---she does not SEE him-------so you still have a problem!!!!!!!!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Prayer and time. I heard on radio the other day that over eighty percent of the couples that get a divorce because of infidelity deeply regret that decision. Have no idea where they get that stat. Divorce is way harder on kids than most people know and I have been around long enough to see the damage decades later. Prayers for you both and your children.


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## bsc820 (Jul 14, 2011)

Just an update, I am about to go with my wife on a vacation that we planned back in the winter time for 8 days in Jamaica. I am thinking that at the end of this trip i will know if I should continue to work it out with her or just move on with the divorce. I am praying that i can get some clarity on this situation.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Have fun in Jamaica, mon, and don't forget your sunblock.

This is a great opportunity for you to look hot on the beach and be strong and confident. Let her feel a little jealous if another woman checks you out.


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

You're _still_ taking her on vacation after this- nice reward for cheating on you. :scratchhead:


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

820, I would recommend you delete the letter you posted up on this thread. Just in case things go sour and you do not want her to accidentally discover this site and the letter posted on it.

As to working it out with her, IMO you have already checked out of the marriage. Trying isn't gonna do much at this point, you either know you want to work it out or not. Go ahead and try working it out and trust me in X years you'll wake up so angry and bitter that you stayed and wasted your life.

You're basically going through the motions of trying to R with the wife but your heart is no longer in it from your posts. Maybe you'll soften and open your heart up to her again but whatever you decide I hope the best for you.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I disagree with BigBri here. The vaca is a great make or break thing for you two. I agree you will know a lot more after that vacation. HOWEVER

Do NOT assume that if you have a great trip that everything is okay. My WW and I had a trip planned in advance too. We went on it and had a fantastic time. It really helped us bond and heal. However, my wife told me everything and was remorseful already (it was EA not PA). 

BUT, when we got back, things were tough for about a week or two - getting back to normal responsibilities, etc, we kind of went backwards for awhile. Expect this. The vaca is just that. It's a vaca from life. It will be waiting for you when you get back.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Question - does your wife know you have that letter? I would do as others have said and keep it safe somewhere. But then, I would show her a 2nd copy of it and say because of this you know they had sex. I mean, it's so obvious.

And this guy is VERY similar sounding to the OM in my case. Trying to sound understanding and sensitive to the family issues, husband, etc. But then at the same time he says he wants you and would like to explore continuing the relationship. The "I'm trying to be a nice guy but I'm really just here to keep f*cking up the whole situation."


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

> What we did wasn't right _*I guess*_, but I don't believe things are simply black and white in these situations. Your husband may want (NEED) to make us the villains now, but usually things have already be done/damaged in a relationship to open the door for such activity. So dont let yourself get sucked into that..


"_I GUESS_" And this guy is supposed to be healer of people??? My God, man. Dude... this guy totally screwed your wife, and is still in close proximity to her. Have a nice time in Jamaica, mon... because when you get back- the sh!t is still gonna be here staring you in the face with a stethoscope around his neck.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Angel5112 said:


> I agree w/Gabriel. People don't talk about libido and lust in an email to someone they are only having an EA with.


That depends - my AP and I were all over the place. We were so far into an EA the only thing we didn't do was actually have sex. 

In the OP's case - yes they definitely did the deed.


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