# In-law visits: How much is too much?



## RustBunny (Jun 23, 2016)

Hi all. I'm looking for comments or advice about my in-law situation. My in-laws are really good people, and I like them a lot, except for when they come to visit. Actually, I don't even mind visiting per se, it's just that I feel like it's too much, and my wife disagrees, and I'm not sure who's right. So here's the situation...

We have kids, so they mainly visit to see the kids. As they should. I know they adore the kids and the kids love them back, and I want them to see each other. The problem is that they live far away, so when they visit it's for days at a time, probably 5 days on average, over 4 or 5 visits per year. So in an average year, they're probably staying with us for about 20 days, maybe more. They usually get a hotel, so that helps, but only to sleep in. The rest of the time they're at our place, which is very, uncomfortably small, even for our own family unit, let alone visitors. They take over the place. I feel like I have nowhere to go in my own home. They also bring their dog, who they can't leave in a kennel for reasons too complicated to explain, who reliably pees on our carpet at least once per visit. They also never remove their shoes at the door, no matter how much mud, rain water, snow, or even dog poop might be on them, which they proceed to track all over the carpet. They leave messes everywhere and don't clean up after themselves. They also love to spoil our kids, which they openly admit to as a point of pride, but really grinds my gears, because for 20 days a year, the kids are inundated with junk food from the moment they arrive until the moment they leave. I try to teach my kids delayed gratification, to save money, to work for what they want, but the second their grandparents arrive, they will buy them whatever they want, basically washing out any lessons I've been trying to teach them. 

In our house, I do all the cleaning, because I'm sorta the only one who actually cares about cleanliness in my family, so if I didn't do it, no one would. So when they come over, with their disregard for cleanliness, the dirty shoes on the carpet for example, or the dog peeing on it, it just drives me insane. I keep it to myself though. I don't feel comfortable talking to them about it since they're not my parents, so I've talked about it with my wife numerous times, politely, asking her to please talk to them and put some boundaries on the length of the visits and the junk food for the kids, and the dirt on the carpet, but she seems to be afraid to say anything to them, so she doesn't, and the problems go on, and no one else seems to mind except me, so I end up feeling like there's something wrong with me. Is there? 

On the surface, 20 days of them staying with us doesn't seem like much, but since it's so stressful for me, I feel like they're here all the time. It probably also doesn't help that I'm not used to this. I come from a family that rarely ever saw extended family. Growing up, I probably saw my own grandparents in my entire life as much as my kids see theirs in a year. 

Any thoughts? Am I overreacting? Is the problem with me or them or both? I don't know what to do, because I find it problematic and my wife doesn't, so nothing is ever done about it, and it's starting to seriously strain my marriage.


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## Pinksapphire (Jun 18, 2016)

Can they stay with other family members or in a motel for part of the time or are you their only kids in your city?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

The 20 days is not unreasonable. However, you and wife need to discuss and write down and agree on the ground rules of the visits. Shoes, mess, dog etc. EVERYTHING. Then you both need to enforce those rules. 

The situation you have now is intolerable because YOU ALLOWED it to be that way. It is that simple.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Your wife really does need to be the one that steps up and lays down some ground rules for them. It's a shame that she doesn't have the backbone to do it and as a result, isn't supporting you. 

I think you could do the shoe issue yourself though. Make sure that you have a good shoe rack or basket right at the door. Right when they walk in, the very first time, say this in a upbeat way "We have a new family rule in the house! All shoes must be taken off at the door. Here's the basket to toss them into right here! How was the drive?! It's so good to see you!". 

As for the junk food, you still have the authority to control when the kids can have snacks. You don't have to say no to the in laws if that makes you uncomfortable but you still can say no to your kids. They're your kids. If they've had something today already, then the next time, just say "No, you've already had your indulgence for today. Maybe you can have that tomorrow.". Or, "No, it's too late to eat sugar like that. You'll be bouncing off the walls for hours". They're still getting spoiled (which I don't see anything wrong with because it's not all the time), but you're reducing the number of times that they're eating junk. 

I don't think that it's unreasonable that they're wanting to spend the time with you guys. I envy that actually. I can see how it would stress you out though since you've never had that type of visitation in your life. Try the shoe basket and telling your kids no about the junk more often. The inlaws may pick up on the junk food issue once they start hearing you and start to scale back because they'll see that you want to restrict it.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Is there a reason why you can't talk to your in-laws? It would make your life easier since your wife won't.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You're. It being unreasonable. I don't see a lot of options.
Maybe let the kids spend some overnight visits with them. 

When they come to your house, there should be a reasonable list of do's and don'ts. 

I totally agree with the dog stuff. To hell with their nasty dog. That's their burden, not yours. It's your home and you get to decide if an animal lives on it.

You gotta man up and discuss this with your wife and make the rules known. Make em stick and don't deal with excuses. Yes, they can find a way to at least not traipse mud and not bring their dog. You're just enabling that crap.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

Oh, I have to disagree with the part there that "20 days a years isn't unreasonable". That's a long time to be intruded upon by folks who are either oblivious to, or willfully disregarding your needs! Maybe that part there where you said they come primarily to see the kids has something to do with that? They SHOULD come to see all of you, and by doing so, respect your needs and frankly your presence, too. Why are you making yourself out to be so unimportant?

I think the solution here is to set some clear guidelines and boundaries with them, and stick to them. That they are beloved grand parents doesn't entitle them to treat you like a door mat...literally...and even more so, it's a simply awful message to give to the kids.

Lastly, the part there about you being the one that cleans up generally is troublesome, too. Families work b/c of a shared commitment to each other that go beyond what each individual wants. Sure, no one might want to tidy up after themselves, but that's not the point. When one family member needs that, others should do it b/c they love and respect you..not b/c they necessarily "Want" to or find it fun. What's the message to them about relationships when you allow them to disregard your needs?

Maybe the larger issue embedded in the situations you're presenting is more about you and what you've been tolerating for your own reasons rather than these obnoxious behaviors? This might give you the opportunity to take a closer look at how your own stuff has created a larger problem, and then take the steps to correct it.


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## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

here is an idea, take the kids and let them stay at the hotel with them a couple days of the visit. that way they can swim(if indoor pool or weather permitting) and be spoiled to their grandparents' delight.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Unicus said:


> Oh, I have to disagree with the part there that "20 days a years isn't unreasonable".


Not surprised.

My special perspective. I too did not like the In Law *visiting*. But after MIL died suddenly at 50 y.o. I now look back and think it really was not as bad as I thought at the time. I would rather have put up with that than have her dead. 

I only knew one grandparent. That the kids get to see theirs often is a plus.

Ok, if 20 days is too much, shorten each visit to 3-4 days each, 4 times a year. 

Yes, OP is a doormat.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Uggghhhh, I think 20 days is a LOT, and I'm the wife complaining to my H that he won't spend enough time with family. Especially 4 or 5 days in a row. That's a long time to not be able to sit down in "your" chair and put on "your" show at the time you want to watch it... 

Some people make great guests because they are low maintenance and casual, but my experience is most people expect your life to stop and for you to entertain them while they are visiting. It would make me insane.

It is not okay for them to give your kids crap to eat. I understand grandparents get to spoil - but not harm! Someone needs to talk to them. If your wife won't do it, I guess you have to. But it should be her. How hard it is to say:

Before you get here, you need to know we're paying close attention to the kids diets right now, so please talk to us before you give them anything to eat. Also, I'm making a special effort to try to keep the house nice for hubby since he does most of the cleaning, so we're no longer wearing shoes inside the house and will you please help me stay on top of the clutter while you're here? You know how small our house is and how bad I can be...

Oh, and with the dog, you might frequently ask "Has Rover been out recently?" My SIL visited on thanksgiving once. We have about 30 people in the house and I'm setting food out an step in a pile of dog sh*t. And then she LAUGHED and said "Ooops, they haven't been out once yet today." (It was after 2:00 p.m.) 

The clutter I could live with knowing they will leave in a few days (I'm messy though so that's probably just me). But I can't imagine people feeling at liberty to give my kids sweets and junk food. I'd suggest YOU go get a hotel room and tell them sorry but you're out of town on business, except I wouldn't want my kids left alone with all the junk food for that long.

Bottom line? You're a lot more tolerant than my H. My dad and step mom won't even visit he made them feel so unwelcome last time. My mom will come if we invite her but after 1 day I'm ready to put a gun in my mouth. My H also won't do activities with my family when they come visit either. He'll look up ideas on the internet and that's the extent of his involvement. I am not saying thats okay, but you're doing more than many and I definitely try to keep people's visits short because I know he just hates having people in our home.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Another thing to try. Tell them you just had the carpet cleaned so you cannot take the dog. Tell them where the motel is that takes dogs. Do not offer to pay. 

The dog can be boarded by them at a vet or animal hospital. There is no reason a dog cannot be boarded. And I have dogs too.


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Not surprised.
> 
> My special perspective. I too did not like the In Law. But after MIL died suddenly at 50 y.o. I now look back and think it really was not as bad as I thought at the time. I would rather have put up with that than have her dead.
> 
> ...


Aside form the unnecessary snark, Your not liking your MIL is the issue, not that she died suddenly. Having to put up with something you do not like Vs. having her dead isn't the issue...for you or the OP. The issue is what you put up with (and why) in life. or, put another way, addressing those things that bother your while you still can, so you're not left with guilt.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Unicus said:


> Aside form the unnecessary snark, Your not liking your MIL is the issue, not that she died suddenly. Having to put up with something you do not like Vs. having her dead isn't the issue...for you or the OP. The issue is what you put up with (and why) in life. or, put another way, addressing those things that bother your while you still can, so you're not left with guilt.


No, she was just a chain smoker. I liked her. I meant to say I did not like her visiting. I left out the important word at the end of the sentence. I will correct the post.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

RustBunny said:


> In our house, I do all the cleaning, because I'm sorta the only one who actually cares about cleanliness in my family, so if I didn't do it, no one would. So when they come over, with their disregard for cleanliness, the dirty shoes on the carpet for example, or the dog peeing on it, it just drives me insane. I keep it to myself though. I don't feel comfortable talking to them about it since they're not my parents ...


So you can continue to be the enabler/victim in this scenario. Sounds like your wife grew up in a messy, dirty home. She is comfortable living in it if she grew up in it. 

You? Well if your own wife doesn't feel comfortable speaking about the dirt issue with her parents, I guess that leaves it up to you.

Okay, I could accept the mess to some degree, but a dog peeing on your carpet? Nope. You are being a doormat. Dog pee saturates a carpet, gets into the pad, and causes mold. Yuck.

Look, if you lay it on your line, they will be insulted, your wife will be p!ssed, and you'll be the bad guy. So what? If you want a clean home, and you want your in-laws to respect the way you keep your home, you'll have to speak up.

I doubt your wife sees it from the same perspective, since she grew up with two slobs for parents. Nevertheless, you either have to suck it up or speak up.

Your life. Your choice.

P.S. - I travel all the time with my pets. I stay at LaQuinta, where there is NO CHARGE for pets to stay. If there's one in your vicinity, tell them to stay there with doggie.


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## RustBunny (Jun 23, 2016)

Thank you. To everyone else who said 20 days ain't so bad, I'm sending my in-laws to go live with them for a week :grin2:


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## RustBunny (Jun 23, 2016)

About the doormat hypothesis, since that seems to be a popular one on here, I don't really think I'm being one. My in-laws are particularly sensitive people. Possibly the most sensitive I've ever met in my life. They get offended and hurt at the slightest comment. So if I say something to them, they'll certainly take it the wrong way. So I'm trying to balance: do I hurt the feelings of people I care about, or do I just put up with the stress for a while. Thus far, I've just been putting up with the stress. Primarily, I was trying to get input on whether 20 to 25 days a year of them staying with us is excessive or reasonable. Because I really don't know how long in-laws typically visit other families when they live out of town. It sounds like it's more of a personality issue. If you like having company and you're pretty laid back, 20 days isn't much, but if you're more of a private person who likes your own space, then 20 days is a bit much. I'm more of a private person who likes to be in control, so then it bugs me when my space is invaded. Still, I care about them deeply so I'll probably just shutup.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"My SIL visited on thanksgiving once. We have about 30 people in the house and I'm setting food out an step in a pile of dog sh*t. And then she LAUGHED and said "Ooops, they haven't been out once yet today." (It was after 2:00 p.m.)
@WorkingWife, please tell me you spit on her food. What a lazy, nasty b!tch.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

RustBunny, your in-laws are not sensitive. They just don't like being held accountable for their actions.

Your idea of keeping your mouth shut is not a good one. It's not working for you anymore and that's why you came here. The least you can do is tell them they will have to make accommodations for their dog because you can not have that filth around your children. And, don't back down.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

RustBunny said:


> About the doormat hypothesis, since that seems to be a popular one on here, I don't really think I'm being one. My in-laws are particularly sensitive people. Possibly the most sensitive I've ever met in my life. They get offended and hurt at the slightest comment. So if I say something to them, they'll certainly take it the wrong way. So I'm trying to balance: do I hurt the feelings of people I care about, or do I just put up with the stress for a while. Thus far, I've just been putting up with the stress. Primarily, I was trying to get input on whether 20 to 25 days a year of them staying with us is excessive or reasonable. Because I really don't know how long in-laws typically visit other families when they live out of town. It sounds like it's more of a personality issue. If you like having company and you're pretty laid back, 20 days isn't much, but if you're more of a private person who likes your own space, then 20 days is a bit much. I'm more of a private person who likes to be in control, so then it bugs me when my space is invaded. Still, I care about them deeply so I'll probably just shutup.


I am like you, I like my private space. I like people from afar. I don't mind a week visit but a whole month will drive me nuts. That's when I will start taking coffee breaks at the coffee shop or go for a walk by myself. Or lock my bedroom door and read for a while. My kids are just like me. We leave my H to entertain them.

We had people over for 2 1/2 weeks, the last set left this morning.:grin2: It was nice having the kids they are all late teens but it gets tiring. We had a death in the family and they stayed to finish up everything. It's so nice to have the house to our selves. My son took back all of his gaming things back to the basement this morning and my D ordered a huge lunch and is eating it all by herself. She is enjoying her alone time.

Go visit your friends or take lunch by yourself at a nearby restaurant. I took the kids for lunch almost everyday, we were trying to get away from the adults. It was fun.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

RustBunny said:


> About the doormat hypothesis, since that seems to be a popular one on here, I don't really think I'm being one. * My in-laws are particularly sensitive people. Possibly the most sensitive I've ever met in my life. They get offended and hurt at the slightest comment. * So if I say something to them, they'll certainly take it the wrong way. So I'm trying to balance: do I hurt the feelings of people I care about, or do I just put up with the stress for a while. Thus far, I've just been putting up with the stress. Primarily, I was trying to get input on whether 20 to 25 days a year of them staying with us is excessive or reasonable. Because I really don't know how long in-laws typically visit other families when they live out of town. It sounds like it's more of a personality issue. If you like having company and you're pretty laid back, 20 days isn't much, but if you're more of a private person who likes your own space, then 20 days is a bit much. I'm more of a private person who likes to be in control, so then it bugs me when my space is invaded. Still, I care about them deeply so I'll probably just shutup.


Do your in-laws make online reservations for your house - dates and length of stay - and therefore you are stuck with it??? WTH

Do you invite them or do they invite themselves? If they invite themselves, then who cares if they are "offended". Seems like they are sensitive to THEIR needs, not yours. That does not make them "sensitive". It makes them SELFISH. If you invite them, pick the dates and tell them how long you would love for them to stay. YOu have plans the other days. Just say " Oh, we would love for you to come on Fri Jun 24 and stay with us Sat, Sun and Monday. Can you come?" 

Now if they have to drive 16 hours, maybe three days is too short. So make if 4 days, but only 3-4 visits a year. Get the idea?

Repeat after me. "We just had the carpets cleaned and therefore _______ will not be allowed in the house if you decide to bring him." See, that makes it their decision to bring him and leave him outside, not you kicking the dog outside. So you are leaving them with a reasonable choice. 

The same statement works for shoes in the house. Carpets are clean, no shoes in the house. Paper plates and cups during the stay (nice Dixie paper plates.) They go in trash, nothing to clean up. 

Remember, YOU do not hurt their feelings. Again, THEY are being selfish. So THEY hurt their own feelings. That is their problem. They are adults and know EXACTLY what they are doing. 

BTW, I am a private person so I sometimes retreat to my study or the bedroom during visits. The wife stays with the family, hers or mine.


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## RustBunny (Jun 23, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Do your in-laws make online reservations for your house - dates and length of stay - and therefore you are stuck with it??? WTH
> 
> Do you invite them or do they invite themselves? If they invite themselves, then who cares if they are "offended". Seems like they are sensitive to THEIR needs, not yours. That does not make them "sensitive". It makes them SELFISH. If you invite them, pick the dates and tell them how long you would love for them to stay. YOu have plans the other days. Just say " Oh, we would love for you to come on Fri Jun 24 and stay with us Sat, Sun and Monday. Can you come?"
> 
> ...



Actually that is another issue- they don't usually ask if they can come for a visit, they tell us they're coming, and don't even tell us for how long. It has gotten better- in the past they used to show up unannounced. Now at least they tell us, or tell us in the form of a question. Communication on my wife's side of the family is abysmal That's part of the problem. And yes, I agree that they are acting selfish, but they are still extremely sensitive. It's a very weird combination of selfishness and sensitivity. Combined with the history of no communication between them and my wife, it makes for a very awkward situation. Hence my frustration. I could say something to them, but they will be hurt. Oddly, they will. I think it would be easier for them to hear coming from their own daughter, but she's always had a hard time talking to them. She's tried in the past, but they don't listen.


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## RustBunny (Jun 23, 2016)

brooklynAnn said:


> I am like you, I like my private space. I like people from afar. I don't mind a week visit but a whole month will drive me nuts. That's when I will start taking coffee breaks at the coffee shop or go for a walk by myself. Or lock my bedroom door and read for a while. My kids are just like me. We leave my H to entertain them.
> 
> We had people over for 2 1/2 weeks, the last set left this morning.:grin2: It was nice having the kids they are all late teens but it gets tiring. We had a death in the family and they stayed to finish up everything. It's so nice to have the house to our selves. My son took back all of his gaming things back to the basement this morning and my D ordered a huge lunch and is eating it all by herself. She is enjoying her alone time.
> 
> Go visit your friends or take lunch by yourself at a nearby restaurant. I took the kids for lunch almost everyday, we were trying to get away from the adults. It was fun.



Good advice. I do try to take advantage of them being here. It is nice on that level- having someone to watch the kids so I can get some time to myself. But they're kind of like kids themselves, so I can't totally relax if I leave the kids with them. But it's not all bad. Really, it would be easier if they lived closer, so they could visit in shorter duration. I do love family and having them close, but still enjoy my privacy.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

RustBunny said:


> Actually that is another issue- they don't usually ask if they can come for a visit, they tell us they're coming, and don't even tell us for how long. It has gotten better- in the past they used to show up unannounced. Now at least they tell us, or tell us in the form of a question.


The good news is that with the 4th of July holiday weekend coming up, many stores will have great sales. I suggest you buy another pair of balls since you lost your years ago. Better yet, buy a few sets because you will lose the new ones too.

Listen my friend. The In-Laws know EXACTLY what they are doing. The are emotionally manipulating your wife, and you, so that they get what they want. They might SEEM to be SENSITIVE. Trust me, they are not. They are selfish and they are used to doing and getting exactly what they want. They spent a lifetime practicing this skill.

Don't "worry" that they will get offended. Get PISSED that they are selfish people. It is just that simple. Get PISSED that you have allowed this to happen.

No more. Don't be mean, but be firm. You will enjoy their company and love to have them, but here are the house rules. You kids are watching and learning from what you do. Rather than teaching them to roll over for their in-laws after they are married, show them what a confident, proper father does to set boundaries in the household. 

Do this for your kids as well as for yourself.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

I would first have a respectful conversation with your wife where you address the things that need to change

I think it is reasonable to expect her to deliver the message to them since they are her parents. They will take it better from her and you should not need to be the bad guy

But if she won't do it, then you should still deliver the message. 

if they are so touchy that they can't get some kindly delivered feedback, then it is their problem. (as a side issue, it also would reveal a problem between you and your wife if your wife refuses to stick up for you)

give everyone the benefit of the doubt that they are not intentionally trying to frustrate you

it is totally reasonable to expect that guests will follow your household rules and routine

it's also reasonable to insist on a limitation regarding the frequency/length of time for having houseguests


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

blueinbr said:


> No, she was just a *chain smoker*. I liked her. I meant to say I did not like her visiting. I left out the important word at the end of the sentence. I will correct the post.


That would be really rough. I imagine a chain smoker does not step outside when they smoke.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

WorkingWife said:


> That would be really rough. I imagine a chain smoker does not step outside when they smoke.


There is no smoking allowed in my house ever. Everyone has to go out on the back porch, which means they spend most of the time with us on the back porch. 

But they smoke indoors at their house when we visit. And I am allergic to smoke. We started staying at hotels. With the dogs.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> "My SIL visited on thanksgiving once. We have about 30 people in the house and I'm setting food out an step in a pile of dog sh*t. And then she LAUGHED and said "Ooops, they haven't been out once yet today." (It was after 2:00 p.m.)
> 
> @WorkingWife, please tell me you spit on her food. What a lazy, nasty b!tch.


LOL, no. I forgot it as soon as we got it cleaned up (until now...). I can't remember if she even helped. She just is what she is... She had 3 little kids at the time and drove several hours to get there so I figured she just wasn't thinking about the poor dogs.

Not that she even asked if it was okay to bring the dogs... And it wasn't until the last second that we knew if she would even show. She is always mad at my H about some perceived slight. So I don't have to deal with her but once every five to ten years.

They are basically estranged now because she would just "show up" with the kids unannounced at his parents, sometimes in the middle of the night, thinking she's so special it's a great "surprise" to have your daughter and 3 grandkids appear on your doorstep out of nowhere at midnight...

So the last time she mentioned she might come to town "sometime in the next two weeks" my H said "All I ask is that you do not surprise mom, let her know when you'll arrive." 

So what does she do? Show up on his mom's doorstep unannounced about 5:00 p.m. one day with her 3 kids (mostly teens now). His mom was not dressed and had already eaten, so did not get to go out to eat with them. They called us from her mom's and my H was ticked and while not _rude_ per se, he definitely did not show any enthusiasm for her presence. So instead of coming to our place, they stayed at a hotel that night, then proceeded to ignored our calls/texts to get together the next day. 

The next morning apparently they visited his mom for about 20 minutes then headed off on their 10 hour drive home. During which she made some cryptic FB post about "I love how people lie and think they are fooling you." and unfriended *me *on FB within seconds of my H sending her daughter (the one we're closest to) a text asking where they were and if we'd get to see them.

So, I guess it's worth stepping in a pile of poo to get rid of a crazy person like that but it actually makes me sad. H could not care less about her but I know it kills his mom that they're essentially estranged. His sister is 90% of the problem but he won't give an inch into her unreasonableness. I humor my relatives a lot more. Some of them are whack jobs too, but they're my whack jobs.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

blueinbr said:


> There is no smoking allowed in my house ever. Everyone has to go out on the back porch, which means they spend most of the time with us on the back porch.
> 
> But they smoke indoors at their house when we visit. And I am allergic to smoke. We started staying at hotels. With the dogs.


I am allergic to smoke too.

When I was young I did a lot of contract computer training where I'd be on a project with a handful of other contract trainers, all of us from out of town. There was one girl we really liked but we avoided her because she smoked and always wanted to sit and eat in the smoking areas. (This was 20 years ago when most restaurants allowed smoking inside.) Gag, we just couldn't take it. 

Even sitting out on he porch you're breathing that stuff. I had a project once where I did training in a room that used to be the smoking lounge. OMG. I had to take antihistimines every day just to work. I couldn't breath. My eyes burned. But I'm a capitalist, so I powered on but just the residual smoke in the walls and carpet - uck, it was awful.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I hate smokers. This afternoon I went in the backyard to water my H's tomato plants and I found a heap of cigarette butts in a corner of the yard. It seems like all the smokers went into the backyard to smoke a just threw their butts into a pile. I had to clean it up. Wait until my H gets home next week, I am going to give him good about letting people leaving their mess in the garden. People don't realize that nicotine is poisonous. 

I hate when people stay at your home and thinks it's ok to smoke and not pick up after them selves. Or they leave glasses all over the house. Or throw tissue paper all over the bathroom floor. Or open every bottle of soda, never mind they were a few open bottles right there on the counter for them to see. Or take a fresh towel overtime they shower because they cant keep track of their towel and I have to wash towels every day. Or use the bath tub and not clean it. I hope no one comes back after a long, long time.

So glad everyone went home. I am enjoying my nice quiet house tonight. Tomorrow I will miss them. :laugh: Even my H went away for a few days. It's just me and the kids. The girl got a cold this morning and the boy is going to play Xbox until he drops. It's been about three weeks since he had played. I can finally relaxed without anyone calling me or coming into my room to keep me company. 

I am having a glass of wine and chilling.>


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

RustBunny said:


> Actually that is another issue- they don't usually ask if they can come for a visit, they tell us they're coming, and don't even tell us for how long. It has gotten better- in the past they used to show up unannounced.


Oh dear god no!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

OP, have a talk with your wife, and if it would make it easier for her, get her to tell them "your" rules. They can like it or lump it.

If she won't do that, then tell her that she and the kids have to go to the hotel the in laws are staying at during the day while they're in town, because you're not having peeing dogs, junk food, mud and [email protected] spread through your nice, clean home.

Or, just tell them yourself, you don't have to be mean about it - if they get their noses out of joint about these perfectly reasonable things, that's their problem, not yours.


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

Ummm....you are a door mat if you allow yourself to be treated poorly, for any reason. One of the key symptoms, btw...is that the sufferer doesn't often experience themselves as being abused. 

Your MIL sounds like a true narcissist if she gets her feelings hurt when she 's confronted with her own behavior. You're a nice guy for not wanting to hurt her, but the cost is that you get hurt yourself. That might be acceptable to you, but really..consider the effects on the kids of watching this spectacle.

Consider the possibility that you can set reasonable boundaries and limits and expectations without necessarily hurting her feelings. You can do this by talking about what works for you, rather than her behavior.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Many years ago my W and I and dogs went to visit MIL. Well our younger dog got accused of peeing in the house. Years later while watching the videos we took on that trip in the background we see out MIL's poodle doing the peeing. We just happened to catch that but did not notice. Our's were innocent. I always watched them when we traveled and take them out every couple of hours, as good guests do. Both are gone, as is MIL. The new dog, we board and do not travel with him.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

RustBunny said:


> About the doormat hypothesis, since that seems to be a popular one on here, I don't really think I'm being one. My in-laws are particularly sensitive people. Possibly the most sensitive I've ever met in my life. They get offended and hurt at the slightest comment. So if I say something to them, they'll certainly take it the wrong way.


Yeah, they're so damn sensitive they let their dog pi$$ all over your carpet. They have an extraordinarily dysfunctional family system. They want to protect that system at all costs. I doubt clear-cut, honest communication is possible with these people. Why? Because they act out the oh-poor-me-you've-hurt-my-sensitive-feelings. Meh!

I'd just LOVE to know how they would "take it the wrong way" if you simply stated, "Your dog urinated on my carpet. Either leave Fido at the hotel, walk him often, or pay to have my carpet cleaned the next time he pees on it."

Yeah, sensitive ... sensitive my a$$. You've got one big-time denial fest going with these loons.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Prodigal said:


> . I'd just LOVE to know how they would "take it the wrong way" if you simply stated, "Your dog urinated on my carpet. Either leave Fido at the hotel, walk him often, or pay to have my carpet cleaned the next time he pees on it."


Yep, the dog peeing in the house is gross. We have four dogs, all house dogs and none of them pee (or poo) inside. They use their dog door, or on wet or hot days when we keep them in, we take them outside regularly to go. It's not rocket science.

That's just gross...and carpet...eeewwwww.


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## chatabox (May 4, 2016)

Send your kids to the hotel with the grandparents. That way you get a break from them all!


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

RustBunny said:


> Actually that is another issue- they don't usually ask if they can come for a visit, they tell us they're coming, and don't even tell us for how long. It has gotten better- in the past they used to show up unannounced. Now at least they tell us, or tell us in the form of a question.


Yes, that sounds familiar. DH's mother would turn up and stay indefinitely. I asked her how long she planned to stay once, early in our relationship, and she was incredibly offended (not to my face mind you). 

That said, I'm not sorry for expecting and asking for some common courtesy. I think you should just ask them to take off their shoes at the door. Ask them to take their dishes to the sink etc. Just ask. Nothing will change unless you make a little effort to create some basic guidelines for them.

Oh, and if you don't allow the dog inside, it can't pee on the carpet.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

breeze said:


> Yes, that sounds familiar. DH's mother would turn up and stay indefinitely. I asked her how long she planned to stay once, early in our relationship, and she was incredibly offended (not to my face mind you).


That kind of situation blows my mind. That the MIL is offended when SHE is being grossly inconsiderate is hard to believe.

Your situation does point out that, like OP's situation, it takes TWO parties to allow this to happen. There needs to be balance on both sides. Maybe OP cannot get his in-laws to change, but he certainly can change his behavior to not let his happen again. 
@breeze , for OPs benefit, did you do something to change your MIL's behavior or did it change on its own? And how did you react when she was "offended"?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

blueinbr said:


> That kind of situation blows my mind. That the MIL is offended when SHE is being grossly inconsiderate is hard to believe.
> 
> Your situation does point out that, like OP's situation, it takes TWO parties to allow this to happen. There needs to be balance on both sides. Maybe OP cannot get his in-laws to change, but he certainly can change his behavior to not let his happen again.
> 
> @breeze , for OPs benefit, did you do something to change your MIL's behavior or did it change on its own? And how did you react when she was "offended"?


Well, unfortunately, she tried to use my perceived offences (and no matter how innocent my intentions, she was determined to only see darkness in everything I did) to drive wedges between me and the people around me, which, ultimately only succeeded in driving a wedge between her and everyone around her. 

My MIL is in a different league I think to these in laws. I did learn that being angry over something and never speaking of it, hiding it, dwelling on it and then one day exploding all that pent up bile all over another person is a despicable thing to do (yes, that's how it all went down in the end, when all that hatred she had for me came out for everyone to see).

Hiding it is dishonest, and from dishonesty comes nothing good. It's not necessary to be nasty in asking for things, and if someone chooses to take offence at being asked to take their shoes off, then that's their choice to make. If you never ask for something (and yes, persistently if required), but carry a hidden anger over it because you refused to be honest about what you wanted, then you are the one committing the offence imo.


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