# First week after Divorce and build up



## MovingForward

Had a couple other Thread on here so wanted to link to see if useful for anyone else.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...ion/364514-need-advice-reconnecting-wife.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...tion/369834-entering-divorce-proceedings.html

So I signed my Divorce papers 6 days ago and drove straight to Vegas and partied for 3 days before flying out on a couple of work trips and finally made oit home last night so feeling exhausted but in decent spirits. My XW has left the State with the kids for 4 weeks almost so have a lot of time to find a new routine and figure things out.

Joined a couple online dating sites not really to find a relationship but more to just test out the dating scene and build some confidence up again since that has taken quite a hit and obviously be nice to have company from time to time. I did read on another post about people wanting to set you up when they know you have been cheated on and I can agree I have had a bunch of girls asking if I want setting up with friends but I'm not in a place for that just yet.

The process of finalizing the final settlement agreement was so stressful that once I finally signed it was almost a huge relief, it was also a little sad but its done and its over so I didn't think about anything in the past.

I want to try and keep this positive so going to talk about some good things that have come from the experience of going through a Divorce.

*You find out you might not have been as happy as you thought when you were married* - I look back and realized I was restricted, controlled and subdued at times, I was a different person around her, I never used to be but after kids she changed and forced me to also, she changed back again but tried to keep me in the same place. In future if I will not change who I am for anyone, my XW married me when I was that person and that was the person she fell in love with and I was much happier also so always going to be me in the future and not allow anyone to change that.

*You form new friendships or strengthen existing * - I spent a long time without a social life, never saying yes to anything since I did not know if she would want to or didn't want to deal with the hassle after from her. Since I stopped caring I have made a few groups of really close friends I mean super supportive genuine people who also happen to be fun, I am so busy its ridiculous between work and people inviting me to things that I need to start saying no a little more but I'm not quite ready yet, I found some mutual friends sided with me once they suspected she was cheating and I just feel a lot closer to people because I can just be me. I was terrified of telling people and even kept my suspicions of an affair to myself due to being embarrassed/ashamed and still hoping things would work out between us so did not want to make her mad or have people think bad of her, turned out people had same suspicions and became very supportive towards me. Never again will I give up friendships or social life, I want someone who will be involved in them with me and encourage it

*Freedom * - apart from when I have my children the world is my oyster I can do anything, go anywhere and act however I feel and that is quite liberating, not sure how this would play into a future relationship but I think ensuring you dont feel trapped, I always supported my XW to do things, have fun etc but it was not returned. I want a true partner who wants to make me happy and in return I want to make them happy so it has to be both ways.

Other things I am still getting used to.

*Lack of routine and structure* - need to get more organized although I have more time and freedom I seem to be struggling to keep up with just general house hold chores so enjoy my freedom but do need some structure.

*Not having a partner* I have a lot of Friends but i do still miss having the closeness with someone and sharing raising the kids together.

*Home* I am glad I decided to keep the house I know a lot of people say not to because of bad memories but for me I am glad I did, it does not feel like home anymore since I removed all Family pics, half furniture is gone, usually no one is there so it is silent but I like the place and am enjoying replacing things to try and create home again. 

Divorce is tough, painful and stressful and I would never wish it on anyone but its not all bad, I hear life does move on and I am hoping that is what is going to continue happening with mine. I am still in IC and will continue to go for some time and I understand I will have down times, I will get frustrated, depressed, sad and angry still on occasion but they key is to keep moving forward and not let them consume you, one of my XW's complaints was I lacked emotion, I never lacked emotion I just lacked ability to express it and working in IC and GC the last few months I have become much more open with people and its funny but the more open i am with people the more open they become with me and it creates a closer friendship.

Best advice I took too long to take was do the 180, once she moved out, we stopped communication and I accepted she did not want to be in my life and stopped caring what she thought the easier it made it to start grieving and working towards being happy again, it was really messing with my head being around her day in and day out and was very unhealthy for me, put me in a really bad place that I could not get out of. Still have a long way to go only 22 days in since we lived separately but each day i think about her less and less and have got used to her not being in my daily routine.

Hopeful to get back to happy and find a new normal and i really do think i will come out of this a better person than I was in the marriage, its a shame we could not have worked things out and we both couldn't have realized our weaknesses and worked on them and been happy together like we were when we first got together but she chose a different path and as everyone keeps telling me that is no reflection on me or my character just hers........


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## Bananapeel

Everything you are feeling, I felt after my divorce too. The best piece of advice I got post divorce was hire a housecleaner because that was the one aspect I was really dreading taking care of. Everything else came naturally and became part of my routine rather quickly. Life's really good post-divorce but sometimes I still miss having what I thought was a dedicated partner by my side (although not enough to consider getting married again at this point in my life). Enjoy your new freedom!


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## Elizabeth001

It is quite a process. I don't think I realized how many different phases you go through. I posted on FB the other day:

"I've gained all my divorce weight back. Guess I'm over it. Where are the sprinkles for the ice cream?"

lol 

You'll be surprised one day down the road when you wake up and realize that not only do you see light at the end of the tunnel, you've actually made it through and out the other side!

You will find your groove and a new routine. No worries. Make your house YOUR home 

ETA: Get a schnauzer. I highly recommend them. But then I always do 

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## MovingForward

Bananapeel said:


> Everything you are feeling, I felt after my divorce too. The best piece of advice I got post divorce was hire a housecleaner because that was the one aspect I was really dreading taking care of. Everything else came naturally and became part of my routine rather quickly. Life's really good post-divorce but sometimes I still miss having what I thought was a dedicated partner by my side (although not enough to consider getting married again at this point in my life). Enjoy your new freedom!


I have a number for a housekeeper just been too busy to arrange anything so far. A Lack of dedicated partner especially when you share kids is biggest change for sure.

Exciting times ahead new me, new life, new opportunities and new memories.


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## MovingForward

Elizabeth001 said:


> It is quite a process. I don't think I realized how many different phases you go through. I posted on FB the other day:
> 
> "I've gained all my divorce weight back. Guess I'm over it. Where are the sprinkles for the ice cream?"
> 
> lol
> 
> You'll be surprised one day down the road when you wake up and realize that not only do you see light at the end of the tunnel, you've actually made it through and out the other side!
> 
> You will find your groove and a new routine. No worries. Make your house YOUR home
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Yes lots of different phases and I am sure it will continue for some time but i do believe I am over the worst my head is almost clear and I can see hope again and feel like the depression is lifting or has lifted enough for me to be normal again.

No time for a dog lol i work away too often.


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## Elizabeth001

I hear you, but they are awesome at keeping you on a routine and provide never-ending emotional support, love & companionship. 

PLUS! Chicks dig 'em 


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## MovingForward

Elizabeth001 said:


> I hear you, but they are awesome at keeping you on a routine and provide never-ending emotional support, love & companionship.
> 
> PLUS! Chicks dig 'em
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


LOL unfortunately would not work at this time but sounds like a winning combination in the right situation.


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## Elizabeth001

Ok...for future reference, schnauzers don't shed, come in 3 sizes, are very loyal (particularly the males) and super easy to train. 


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## Elizabeth001

And so stinkin' cute! Hahaaa


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## MovingForward

Elizabeth001 said:


> And so stinkin' cute! Hahaaa
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I do love dogs :smthumbup: and you have some cute dogs.


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## Ynot

Good thread. Way too often it is a less positive OP. Glad to see you are doing so well after such a short period of time. You are on your way!


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## MovingForward

Ynot said:


> Good thread. Way too often it is a less positive OP. Glad to see you are doing so well after such a short period of time. You are on your way!


Trying to think of the good ones, I think it may have been you who wrote one of the only positive threads i saw on LAD, I kept looking to this section of the forum for some hope when i was in the worst.

Not saying I am in a perfect place but its not all bad. :smile2:


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## Marc878

IMO a tight ass and long legs will help cure what ails you!!!!!


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## MovingForward

Marc878 said:


> IMO a tight ass and long legs will help cure what ails you!!!!!


Was waiting for you to pop up with something like that @Marc878 :grin2:rofl::lol::rofl::lol::rofl::lol:


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## Ynot

MovingForward said:


> Trying to think of the good ones, I think it may have been you who wrote one of the only positive threads i saw on LAD, I kept looking to this section of the forum for some hope when i was in the worst.
> 
> Not saying I am in a perfect place but its not all bad. :smile2:


Yeah, I hear you. All too often the only thing you read on LAD are about the immediate aftermath. I wish they had another section entitled "Recovered from Divorce" for positive threads to give hope to those who are just starting out down that long hard road that is recovery.


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## Marc878

Ynot said:


> Yeah, I hear you. All too often the only thing you read on LAD are about the immediate aftermath. I wish they had another section entitled "Recovered from Divorce" for positive threads to give hope to those who are just starting out down that long hard road that is recovery.


Most have no idea how much of an opportunity awaits them but you do have to get your head out of your ass first.

It's just not that hard. You only have you holding you back.


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## SunCMars

Elizabeth001 said:


> It is quite a process.
> 
> *Get a Schnauzer.* I highly recommend them.


Lose a Schmoozer, gain a Schnauzer. 
Same mustache different mug, different animal.
Love is unconditional..even if you forget to feed him.

Kisses are genuine....well, Kibbles are always welcomed by the Schmoozer and the Schnauzer!
The Schnauzer genuinely appreciates them. He will earn his treats, not just expect them like the Schmoozer.


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## Taxman

I won't lie to you, soon there will be women, and the reflection back to your marriage will turn your stomach. I have had many a divorced man sitting in front of me, marvelling at the plethora of females eager to become Mrs second wife. Especially after they hear your story, they will make it their mission to wipe every vestige of your wife from your memory. Get ready for the ride(s) of your life.


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## Marc878

Elizabeth001 said:


> And so stinkin' cute! Hahaaa
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Elizabeth is leading you astray. Those are girly dogs get a bulldog or Boston terrier >


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## Elizabeth001

Marc878 said:


> Elizabeth is leading you astray. Those are girly dogs get a bulldog or Boston terrier >




Boo...schnauzers are big dogs in little bodies that fit perfectly on your lap. Great bed buddies too!!


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## Elizabeth001

SunCMars said:


> Lose a Schmoozer, gain a Schnauzer.
> 
> Same mustache different mug, different animal.
> 
> Love is unconditional..even if you forget to feed him.
> 
> 
> 
> Kisses are genuine....well, Kibbles are always welcomed by the Schmoozer and the Schnauzer!
> 
> The Schnauzer genuinely appreciates them. He will earn his treats, not just expect them like the Schmoozer.




Exactly! lol


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## MovingForward

Taxman said:


> I won't lie to you, soon there will be women, and the reflection back to your marriage will turn your stomach. I have had many a divorced man sitting in front of me, marvelling at the plethora of females eager to become Mrs second wife. Especially after they hear your story, they will make it their mission to wipe every vestige of your wife from your memory. Get ready for the ride(s) of your life.


This is what i am hoping as @Marc878 has told me many times I did not have it as good as I thought i did and it really is the truth.

Only downside for me which is non fixable anyway is i really wanted the family to stay together and be a team for our kids and not cause them any trauma but all out of my hands and what is done is done.


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## MovingForward

Just purchased myself a Green Mountain Grill electric pellet fed Smoker. few more little items for my house and its party central


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## MovingForward

Marc878 said:


> Elizabeth is leading you astray. Those are girly dogs get a bulldog or Boston terrier >


I do Love English Bull dogs but no pets for me I dont have time to look after one, my free time is going to be out doing stuff plus I travel too much for work


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## Taxman

Do not worry good sir, your kids will soon see their mother for what she is. You cannot have a family unit at the cost of Dad's self worth. You cannot have a family unit where one parent is stepping out on the other and feels entitled to her affairs. This will blow up in her face and she will not understand the devastation that is coming her way. I once again refer to two clients of mine; She was the wife of a cheater, he was the husband of the woman that the cheater was banging. He discovered the affair and told the OBS. They both obtained divorces. Something happened between both betrayed spouses. They fell in love. On the day of their wedding, his XWW showed up. He spotted her in the crowd. He amended his speech to thank his XWW; without her he would have never met the love of his life and their kids would never have met THEIR NEW MOM! Everyone in the church literally turned and looked at her fuming face. She could not get out of there fast enough. (PS, within days of the divorce, the affair broke up. She attempted to go back to her hubby, only to find that OBS had already started a relationship with him and they were joining their families...serves her damn right)


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## MovingForward

Taxman said:


> Do not worry good sir, your kids will soon see their mother for what she is. You cannot have a family unit at the cost of Dad's self worth. You cannot have a family unit where one parent is stepping out on the other and feels entitled to her affairs. This will blow up in her face and she will not understand the devastation that is coming her way. I once again refer to two clients of mine; She was the wife of a cheater, he was the husband of the woman that the cheater was banging. He discovered the affair and told the OBS. They both obtained divorces. Something happened between both betrayed spouses. They fell in love. On the day of their wedding, his XWW showed up. He spotted her in the crowd. He amended his speech to thank his XWW; without her he would have never met the love of his life and their kids would never have met THEIR NEW MOM! Everyone in the church literally turned and looked at her fuming face. She could not get out of there fast enough. (PS, within days of the divorce, the affair broke up. She attempted to go back to her hubby, only to find that OBS had already started a relationship with him and they were joining their families...serves her damn right)


Dam!!!! that is one crazy story.

Yes I understand that's why I am not dwelling too much on it but sucks regardless, I do want my kids to see a healthy relationship.

One part of me does want it to blow up in her face and watch her be miserable and regret her choices and the other part thinks i dont care what she does I just need to do what makes me happy and not even have her in my thoughts ever.

Who knows how my story will end but the present day is feeling much better than when she was feeding me false hope a few months ago and making me hate myself.

I actually have a date tonight first one in over 12 years just to test the water, hopefully i am not too awkward and can start getting my confidence up again to be in an even better place, socially and professionally my confidence is very high but in regards to the other sex I'm not quite there LOL


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## Chuck71

MF..... welcome to the LaD section. Ele should be by soon with the t-shirt, bumper stickers, and coupons for hard liquor! Helluva journey wasn't it? Don't place much merit on dating sites, even the pay ones. Lots of scammers and BSers on them. The one I found who had the least... was POF. You get a mixed bag there. I had one ask to move in with me on her 5th reply LOL. I'm sure she dusted the furniture in a french maid.

Eventually you will be able to recall the great times of your M and smile and laugh. I look at our old pictures now and do that. At one time it was great, but that time has long passed. Very glad you kept the house. Man the house up.... NFL, MLB, NBA, NHL, college sports. Get a big arse grill... a man's grill. And an apron that reads "#uck the cook." I still say get that pool table.

I knew my M was going in the schitter. But I had this dumbarse notion, once M, always M. My parents stayed M, all my aunts and uncles and grandparents stayed M (except one). But you can't save it alone, so I let go. Thank God I did. Your XW emotionally D you the first time she allowed him to slid off her panties. Happier days are ahead of you MF. You'll have down days but they will be less and less. The first ann. / holiday / kid's milestones without her will be tough. I dreaded mine but they were maybe 5% of what I anticipated. 1st Christmas and first ann. when we met were the two hardest.

You skipped many times going out with the guys, catching a ball game. You lost who you were, but don't feel bad, you are NOT alone. Now you can hang out at strip clubs... just wash your hands after you touch them. I really got back into collecting baseball cards after the D. But I have fooled with them for over 35 years. If I studied math like I did cards growing up I would have had a full ride to MIT. Renew your hobbies you had before you met xxxxx (still waiting on you to nickname her).

After my D and my post-D g/f...I have lived alone for 2.5 years. I really freaking like it. I can eat Italian in my underwear while watching a baseball game on the West Coast until 1:30AM while sorting cards. It will take a LOT more than a cute tail for me to give that up. The one thing I miss... and I really only had it with 1st love (HS sweetheart) and my XW was the unwritten communication. You know what the other was thinking, you finished their sentences. That's something you don't get a few months in, or even a few years. 

As you grew up you realized not all roads will lead home anymore. And now, no roads will lead back to the family you once had. But this is when you make your new roads. Make your own path. If a female doesn't want to follow that path, then she ain't for you.

Keep posting and give newby guys on here 2x4s when needed.


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## Chuck71

Marc878 said:


> IMO a tight ass and long legs will help cure what ails you!!!!!


New gal is 5'10 and you can bounce a half dollar off her arse. MF.... yes it does help.


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## Marc878

Chuck71 said:


> New gal is 5'10 and you can bounce a half dollar off her arse. MF.... yes it does help.


Pics or it don't count >

Arse? You aren't English. You tryin to steal MF accent too?


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## Chuck71

Marc878 said:


> Pics or it don't count >
> 
> Arse? You aren't English. You tryin to steal MF accent too?


Ass doesn't make it through the filter. MF needs a Lab..... can't beat them

Edit-Ibedamn it did!


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## Marc878

Hahahaha, you learn something new everyday


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## MovingForward

Chuck71 said:


> MF..... welcome to the LaD section. Ele should be by soon with the t-shirt, bumper stickers, and coupons for hard liquor! Helluva journey wasn't it? Don't place much merit on dating sites, even the pay ones. Lots of scammers and BSers on them. The one I found who had the least... was POF. You get a mixed bag there. I had one ask to move in with me on her 5th reply LOL. I'm sure she dusted the furniture in a french maid.
> 
> Eventually you will be able to recall the great times of your M and smile and laugh. I look at our old pictures now and do that. At one time it was great, but that time has long passed. Very glad you kept the house. Man the house up.... NFL, MLB, NBA, NHL, college sports. *Get a big arse grill... a man's grill. And an apron that reads "#uck the cook." I still say get that pool table.
> *
> I knew my M was going in the schitter. But I had this dumbarse notion, once M, always M. My parents stayed M, all my aunts and uncles and grandparents stayed M (except one). But you can't save it alone, so I let go. Thank God I did. Your XW emotionally D you the first time she allowed him to slid off her panties. Happier days are ahead of you MF. You'll have down days but they will be less and less. The first ann. / holiday / kid's milestones without her will be tough. I dreaded mine but they were maybe 5% of what I anticipated. 1st Christmas and first ann. when we met were the two hardest.
> 
> You skipped many times going out with the guys, catching a ball game. You lost who you were, but don't feel bad, you are NOT alone. Now you can hang out at strip clubs... just wash your hands after you touch them. I really got back into collecting baseball cards after the D. But I have fooled with them for over 35 years. If I studied math like I did cards growing up I would have had a full ride to MIT. Renew your hobbies you had before you met xxxxx (still waiting on you to nickname her).
> 
> After my D and my post-D g/f...I have lived alone for 2.5 years. I really freaking like it. I can eat Italian in my underwear while watching a baseball game on the West Coast until 1:30AM while sorting cards. It will take a LOT more than a cute tail for me to give that up. The one thing I miss... and I really only had it with 1st love (HS sweetheart) and my XW was the unwritten communication. You know what the other was thinking, you finished their sentences. That's something you don't get a few months in, or even a few years.
> 
> As you grew up you realized not all roads will lead home anymore. And now, no roads will lead back to the family you once had. But this is when you make your new roads. Make your own path. If a female doesn't want to follow that path, then she ain't for you.
> 
> Keep posting and give newby guys on here 2x4s when needed.


Thanks for the Welcome.

I actually set up my new Pellet fed smoker yesterday this thing is huge..........

Trying all above focusing on what i can do which is pretty much whatever I want, get lonely on occasion but get over it by reaching out to friends and trying to do something.

Going to buy some new patio furniture and start having parties at my house on weekend in the pool.

I met a girl on Friday out she dragged me back to her place after a few drinks i just needed a test run to build some confidence back. Think I might be done with online for a while and just continue speaking to the two girls i met and focus on me more again. This week is going to be my first week back in the gym and got all my shopping done, laundry done and meals prepped so life is getting back on track.

Pool table is going to happen eventually just need to save my pennies.


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## Chuck71

MovingForward said:


> Thanks for the Welcome.
> 
> I actually set up my new Pellet fed smoker yesterday this thing is huge..........
> 
> Trying all above focusing on what i can do which is pretty much whatever I want, get lonely on occasion but get over it by reaching out to friends and trying to do something.
> 
> Going to buy some new patio furniture and start having parties at my house on weekend in the pool.
> 
> I met a girl on Friday out she dragged me back to her place after a few drinks i just needed a test run to build some confidence back. Think I might be done with online for a while and just continue speaking to the two girls i met and focus on me more again. This week is going to be my first week back in the gym and got all my shopping done, laundry done and meals prepped so life is getting back on track.
> 
> Pool table is going to happen eventually just need to save my pennies.


On-line dating is not the best way to meet quality women but.... it is the most convenient way. 

Just don't place too much emphasis on it. Do what I did.... place your profile out there and

let them come to you. Saves you a great deal of time. Plus cuts out a ton of the BS.

It will be soon you will realize you will experience so much positive moments.... within yourself,

through friends, your kids. That will replace all the negativity your XW brought onto you.

Your life will be as different as night and day.


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## MovingForward

Chuck71 said:


> I*t will be soon you will realize you will experience so much positive moments.... within yourself,
> 
> through friends, your kids. That will replace all the negativity your XW brought onto you.
> 
> Your life will be as different as night and day.*




Fingers crossed


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## MovingForward

Quick update.

Had a rough couple days but think it is a normal part of the grieving process I think I focused on the lost future I had planned but recently started looking back on the past and having that destroyed also as it was probably all fake. Knowing my XW is going on a 12 day vacation with the POSOM and I am basically financing it makes me mad but I will get over it.

Been a whirlwind past 2 weeks and after this week ready for it to slow down and get into a better routine, need to plan my days, meals, gym, shop etc I have been focused on getting out the house as much as possible and saying yes to everyone and everything which has been a good distraction but time to get focused as my liver cant take all the alcohol and the lack of sleep is not good. 

Casually dating just to get some practice in since I am so rusty, met one girl last week and meeting her again this weekend, she is not looking for a relationship at this time and meeting another girl tomorrow for a happy hour not expecting anything to come out of either but nice to have some company from time to time. The online world is very convenient but i think once i am really ready to get back out there i will go the old fashioned route and try and meet someone through friends or acquaintances but think it is going to be a while.


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## Taxman

I hope that POSOM gives her a venereal disease.


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## Ynot

MovingForward said:


> Quick update.
> 
> Had a rough couple days but think it is a normal part of the grieving process I think I focused on the lost future I had planned but recently started looking back on the past and having that destroyed also as it was probably all fake. Knowing my XW is going on a 12 day vacation with the POSOM and I am basically financing it makes me mad but I will get over it.
> 
> Been a whirlwind past 2 weeks and after this week ready for it to slow down and get into a better routine, need to plan my days, meals, gym, shop etc I have been focused on getting out the house as much as possible and saying yes to everyone and everything which has been a good distraction but time to get focused as my liver cant take all the alcohol and the lack of sleep is not good.
> 
> Casually dating just to get some practice in since I am so rusty, met one girl last week and meeting her again this weekend, she is not looking for a relationship at this time and meeting another girl tomorrow for a happy hour not expecting anything to come out of either but nice to have some company from time to time. The online world is very convenient but i think once i am really ready to get back out there i will go the old fashioned route and try and meet someone through friends or acquaintances but think it is going to be a while.


Thee journey is not a straight line. You will take two steps forward and one step back, sometimes you just take a few steps back and don't move forward at all. It is all part of the recovery. Be easy on yourself and allow your self to heal. 

At the same time, don't be afraid to make mistakes. These are your opportunities to learn. For instance, that pellet smoker you bought. That is a HUGE mistake! Nothing beats real hardwood smoked meats. Pellets are not real hard wood despite what they may be made of. Sort of like the difference between a good steak (hardwood) and a hot dog (pellet). One may be more convenient than the other but the difference in taste is extreme.


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## Ynot

MovingForward said:


> Quick update.
> 
> Had a rough couple days but think it is a normal part of the grieving process I think I focused on the lost future I had planned but recently started looking back on the past and having that destroyed also as it was probably all fake. Knowing my XW is going on a 12 day vacation with the POSOM and I am basically financing it makes me mad but I will get over it.
> 
> Been a whirlwind past 2 weeks and after this week ready for it to slow down and get into a better routine, need to plan my days, meals, gym, shop etc I have been focused on getting out the house as much as possible and saying yes to everyone and everything which has been a good distraction but time to get focused as my liver cant take all the alcohol and the lack of sleep is not good.
> 
> Casually dating just to get some practice in since I am so rusty, met one girl last week and meeting her again this weekend, she is not looking for a relationship at this time and meeting another girl tomorrow for a happy hour not expecting anything to come out of either but nice to have some company from time to time. The online world is very convenient but i think once i am really ready to get back out there i will go the old fashioned route and try and meet someone through friends or acquaintances but think it is going to be a while.


The journey is not a straight line. You will take two steps forward and one step back, sometimes you just take a few steps back and don't move forward at all. It is all part of the recovery. Be easy on yourself and allow your self to heal. 

At the same time, don't be afraid to make mistakes. These are your opportunities to learn. For instance, that pellet smoker you bought. That is a HUGE mistake! Nothing beats real hardwood smoked meats. Pellets are not real hard wood despite what they may be made of. Sort of like the difference between a good steak (hardwood) and a hot dog (pellet). One may be more convenient than the other but the difference in taste is extreme.


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## BetrayedDad

MovingForward said:


> Knowing my XW is going on a 12 day vacation with the POSOM and I am basically financing it makes me mad but I will get over it.


Makes me mad and I don't even know you.

As a happily divorced man with a hot young gf, let me give you some simple advice that may help.

1) Go to the gym minimum three times a week for at least an hour and lift heavy ass weights (diet down to a normal BMI also if you need too).

2) Keep yourself VERY busy. I've taken time to complete numerous house projects I've been wanting to do for ages. Find something that occupies you.

3) Network with old friends, attend social events as often as possible to meet new people and join OLD only when you are ready. The women will be there.

Good Luck.


----------



## Chuck71

MovingForward said:


> Quick update.
> 
> Had a rough couple days but think it is a normal part of the grieving process I think I focused on the lost future I had planned but recently started looking back on the past and having that destroyed also as it was probably all fake. Knowing my XW is going on a 12 day vacation with the POSOM and I am basically financing it makes me mad but I will get over it.
> 
> Been a whirlwind past 2 weeks and after this week ready for it to slow down and get into a better routine, need to plan my days, meals, gym, shop etc I have been focused on getting out the house as much as possible and saying yes to everyone and everything which has been a good distraction but time to get focused as my liver cant take all the alcohol and the lack of sleep is not good.
> 
> Casually dating just to get some practice in since I am so rusty, met one girl last week and meeting her again this weekend, she is not looking for a relationship at this time and meeting another girl tomorrow for a happy hour not expecting anything to come out of either but nice to have some company from time to time. The online world is very convenient but i think once i am really ready to get back out there i will go the old fashioned route and try and meet someone through friends or acquaintances but think it is going to be a while.


You're looking at the glass as half empty. When in reality, it is half full.

You got two great kids out of the deal. I'm certain she told POSOM the vacation was on your

dime. Why do you think he's going? When her money dries up, no guy will make an investment

in her, unless he's a chump. Just like the bar, everybody's your friend until the whiskey stops flowing.

Focus on you young Skywalker, focus. There's a lot of no strings sex out there.... nothing wrong

with that. Just make sure you're ready for it. How old were you when you met XW?


----------



## MovingForward

Ynot said:


> The journey is not a straight line. You will take two steps forward and one step back, sometimes you just take a few steps back and don't move forward at all. It is all part of the recovery. Be easy on yourself and allow your self to heal.
> 
> At the same time, don't be afraid to make mistakes. These are your opportunities to learn. For instance, that pellet smoker you bought. That is a HUGE mistake! Nothing beats real hardwood smoked meats. Pellets are not real hard wood despite what they may be made of. Sort of like the difference between a good steak (hardwood) and a hot dog (pellet). One may be more convenient than the other but the difference in taste is extreme.


With my limited knowledge the Pellets will have to do LOL. I am looking at the Big green egg also like to have options.

Went out with some buddies last night feel like crap today but in good spirits again.


----------



## MovingForward

BetrayedDad said:


> Makes me mad and I don't even know you.
> 
> As a happily divorced man with a hot young gf, let me give you some simple advice that may help.
> 
> 1) Go to the gym minimum three times a week for at least an hour and lift heavy ass weights (diet down to a normal BMI also if you need too).
> 
> 2) Keep yourself VERY busy. I've taken time to complete numerous house projects I've been wanting to do for ages. Find something that occupies you.
> 
> 3) Network with old friends, attend social events as often as possible to meet new people and join OLD only when you are ready. The women will be there.
> 
> Good Luck.


I will be making a better plan for the gym soon, I am not in bad shape really but room for improvement for sure plus I need a little more structure in my life and that will help. I am too busy with all my social engagements so think I need to keep less busy and have a dedicated day a week to do chores and one to do nothing.... we will see my mind changes often.

I am already on OLD meeting one tonight actually.


----------



## BetrayedDad

MovingForward said:


> I will be making a better plan for the gym soon, I am not in bad shape really but room for improvement for sure plus I need a little more structure in my life and that will help. I am too busy with all my social engagements so think I need to keep less busy and have a dedicated day a week to do chores and one to do nothing.... we will see my mind changes often.
> 
> I am already on OLD meeting one tonight actually.


The gym is equal parts for your physical health and mental health. 

Great for stress and has the added side effect of making you a chick magnet.


----------



## MovingForward

Chuck71 said:


> You're looking at the glass as half empty. When in reality, it is half full.
> 
> You got two great kids out of the deal. I'm certain she told POSOM the vacation was on your
> 
> dime. Why do you think he's going? When her money dries up, no guy will make an investment
> 
> in her, unless he's a chump. Just like the bar, everybody's your friend until the whiskey stops flowing.
> 
> Focus on you young Skywalker, focus. There's a lot of no strings sex out there.... nothing wrong
> 
> with that. Just make sure you're ready for it. How old were you when you met XW?


I know @Chuck71 I have moments when I feel depressed and I have moments like right now where I feel great.

He is actually very wealthy so he doesn't need my money but I am for sure paying her share and judging from what I have seem he likes to spend so I am guessing its not cheap.

I transferred her a bunch of money today and oddly it felt good to tick of boxes from the Divorce decree.


----------



## Bananapeel

Ynot said:


> The journey is not a straight line. You will take two steps forward and one step back, sometimes you just take a few steps back and don't move forward at all. It is all part of the recovery. Be easy on yourself and allow your self to heal.
> 
> At the same time, don't be afraid to make mistakes. These are your opportunities to learn. For instance, that pellet smoker you bought. That is a HUGE mistake! Nothing beats real hardwood smoked meats. Pellets are not real hard wood despite what they may be made of. Sort of like the difference between a good steak (hardwood) and a hot dog (pellet). One may be more convenient than the other but the difference in taste is extreme.



Agreed...pellets are for sissies. Time to dream big and starting thinking about where to build his smokehouse.


----------



## MovingForward

Bananapeel said:


> Agreed...pellets are for sissies. Time to dream big and starting thinking about where to build his smokehouse.


You guys are killing me LOL give a guy a break. :grin2::smile2:


----------



## Marc878

A real man would have started brewing beer!!!!


Hahahshaha


----------



## farsidejunky

Seriously...who smokes with pellets? The same guys who think gas and grill belong in the same phrase.

Don't you just love purists?


----------



## dubsey

the same person who drives an automatic car


----------



## MovingForward

farsidejunky said:


> Seriously...who smokes with pellets? The same guys who think gas and grill belong in the same phrase.
> 
> Don't you just love purists?


I have a propane grill also :crying:



dubsey said:


> the same person who drives an automatic car


And an Automatic Car:crying::crying::crying:

Dam no wonder my wife cheated and divorced me :surprise:


----------



## dubsey

I was more making a dig at the "who would every use..." crowd.

I have a gas grill as well. I do really prefer a manual car, however.


----------



## MovingForward

dubsey said:


> I was more making a dig at the "who would every use..." crowd.
> 
> I have a gas grill as well. I do really prefer a manual car, however.


Yes I much prefer a manual much more fun!!! I never drove automatic until I was 22 we didn't have them back in the UK when I lived there. 

I have almost paid my Car off so going to keep it as the Child mobile and buy a fun one for me.


----------



## TheTruthHurts

Ha was looking at old beetles online with my wife today. Originally for the kids but thought it would be nice to own one again. Until I read these latest posts I'd forgotten they are manual transmissions and how much I enjoyed them


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Ynot

MovingForward said:


> Yes I much prefer a manual much more fun!!! I never drove automatic until I was 22 we didn't have them back in the UK when I lived there.
> 
> I have almost paid my Car off so going to keep it as the Child mobile and buy a fun one for me.


Start thinking big! Go for a motorcycle. I started off with a beater in case I dropped it (never did) a 30 year old 600cc Yamaha Virago. The next year I moved up to an 800 cc Kawasaki Vulcan. Then a year later (this year) I got an 1100 cc Honda Shadow Sabre. The first two were naked bikes. The last one is loaded. I am planning a road trip to Iowa later this summer. You can keep it in that smoke house when you aren't smoking meat :smthumbup:


----------



## Edmund

MovingForward said:


> I have a propane grill also :crying:
> 
> 
> 
> And an Automatic Car:crying::crying::crying:
> 
> Dam no wonder my wife cheated and divorced me :surprise:


MF

I like that you can make some jokes after what happened. If we knew each other IRL, I think we would be friends.:smthumbup:


----------



## MovingForward

Hope everyone had a great 4th of July.

Still happy had a great weekend with Friends and even met a couple girls, girls are much more open and approachable than i remember back in my teen years. Still having all my friends and there wives trying to set me up and being cheated on gets you a lot of empathy from people. I feel free and just positive about life no one to beat me down or nag at me and hope it continues.

Not spoken to XW for a long time and don't miss her at all at the moment or even care about the new but still 'secret' boyfriend having such a good time its not even in my thoughts. Hope this continues also.

Still need to figure out the car and motorbike situation and cant wait I have wanted a motorbike for a long time, want a cruiser of some sort or a Harley so hoping work remains good and i can afford it all.

On another note regarding keeping the house I see in a lot of posts that people are against it, for me its best decision I made so far, I removed all the stuff of hers and got a few new little pieces and it feels like home, no hassle in moving, kids keep there bedrooms and its has just been great to have parties.


----------



## MovingForward

farsidejunky said:


> Seriously...who smokes with pellets? The same guys who think gas and grill belong in the same phrase.
> 
> Don't you just love purists?


Used the pellet smoker for my parties on Saturday and Sunday food was a big hit and so easy its unreal :smile2: Highly recommend for the convenience.


----------



## farsidejunky

MovingForward said:


> Used the pellet smoker for my parties on Saturday and Sunday food was a big hit and so easy its unreal :smile2: Highly recommend for the convenience.


Boo! Hiss!

:grin2:


----------



## JohnA

Use your anger at the gym or other physical activities that require a sustained effort. Let it pour out of you focusing on the last two impossible crunches or 30 secs of a spin class. Let it drive you past the last two crunches and then do 2 or 3 more saying **** her, **** him, **** them. 

You will sleep better and heal faster. Got to get rid of all those stress hormones.


----------



## Satya

If you can't painstakingly make a perfect briquette pyramid, then the food tastes 10x worse, easily.


----------



## MovingForward

JohnA said:


> Use your anger at the gym or other physical activities that require a sustained effort. Let it pour out of you focusing on the last two impossible crunches or 30 secs of a spin class. Let it drive you past the last two crunches and then do 2 or 3 more saying **** her, **** him, **** them.
> 
> You will sleep better and heal faster. Got to get rid of all those stress hormones.


Yes I plan to get in better routine and do this, been partying so much I just have not made time for Gym or anything else really. Feeling really run down and tired today so makes me feel like Crap mentally as well, going to keep partying for just weekends and find some social activities in the week which dont involve alcohol.

Sleep has been an issue with lack of routine and structure.


----------



## MovingForward

Well ended up on another night out and hungover again, cant seem to just go for one drink!!!!

Dreading seeing X on Sunday when I pick kids up and not sure why just feel awkward.


----------



## Chuck71

MovingForward said:


> Well ended up on another night out and hungover again, cant seem to just go for one drink!!!!
> 
> Dreading seeing X on Sunday when I pick kids up and not sure why just feel awkward.


It's your first child swap, of course it will be weird. Stand tall, walk with purpose, do NOT let it

enter her mind you have one inkling or awkwardness or strolling down memory lane.

You're out there, partying it up, been there. Cut off the drinking Friday night. Be 110% prepared 

for the swap. How you present yourself is important but what she thinks of you, is NOT.

If she is all chirpy, end the chat swiftly and calmly. If she is griping.... say 

"I'm sorry you feel that way." And calmly depart with the kids. When she asks "how have you been"

reply "I've been busy."

Cool.............firm........dispassionate


----------



## MovingForward

Chuck71 said:


> It's your first child swap, of course it will be weird. Stand tall, walk with purpose, do NOT let it
> 
> enter her mind you have one inkling or awkwardness or strolling down memory lane.
> 
> You're out there, partying it up, been there. Cut off the drinking Friday night. Be 110% prepared
> 
> for the swap. How you present yourself is important but what she thinks of you, is NOT.
> 
> If she is all chirpy, end the chat swiftly and calmly. If she is griping.... say
> 
> "I'm sorry you feel that way." And calmly depart with the kids. When she asks "how have you been"
> 
> reply "I've been busy."
> 
> Cool.............firm........dispassionate


I know just still a weird situation. I am having a party Saturday the final one before they get back and then taking a couple weeks off. Hate that the kids are going to be around the awkwardness


----------



## Chuck71

Be the rock for your kids. Act as you have around them before. Erase the awkwardness ASAP.

They will feed off of you.... if you are apprehensive, as will they. Do something they both like....

Cook out later that evening. Watch a funny kid movie. Reassuring them everything is A-ok is paramount.


----------



## MovingForward

So update from pick picking up kids.

The POSOM picked them all up from the airport and I then went over to get them, she tried to engage me and was all happy I ignored her, didn't look at her grabbed kids and left, she seemed shocked and said 'oh ok I guess bye?'. Had dinner and just hung out with kids and they both told me they can finally relax and were just happy to sit and watch TV with me.

They facetimed her later and she was with POSOM in his car I guess heading out for dinner.

My D5 started crying before bed telling me she missed her Mom and wanted to see her and POSOM, I asked if she wanted to go stay with her and she said no she just wanted us all to be together, I told her that cannot happen and she cried a lot so I told her to call her mom back if she missed her and she did and told her she wants to be with Mom and Dad at the same time, XW didn't really have much to say to that. Kids really seem to like the 'friend' POSOM. 

Had one last blow out party on Saturday and time to get my head back on and my body back in shape and look after my children again, still have every other weekend to party if i want.


----------



## Chuck71

MovingForward said:


> So update from pick picking up kids.
> 
> The POSOM picked them all up from the airport and I then went over to get them, she tried to engage me and was all happy I ignored her, didn't look at her grabbed kids and left, she seemed shocked and said 'oh ok I guess bye?'. Had dinner and just hung out with kids and they both told me they can finally relax and were just happy to sit and watch TV with me.
> 
> They facetimed her later and she was with POSOM in his car I guess heading out for dinner.
> 
> My D5 started crying before bed telling me she missed her Mom and wanted to see her and POSOM, I asked if she wanted to go stay with her and she said no she just wanted us all to be together, I told her that cannot happen and she cried a lot so I told her to call her mom back if she missed her and she did and told her she wants to be with Mom and Dad at the same time, XW didn't really have much to say to that. Kids really seem to like the 'friend' POSOM.
> 
> Had one last blow out party on Saturday and time to get my head back on and my body back in shape and look after my children again, still have every other weekend to party if i want.


Good play on dodging her fishing lure. Remember... she wants you to accept her new life, new man 

but still maybe you and her get together with the kids and play "family" for a few hours on a Sunday 

afternoon. That is to hide her guilt and try to keep you as Plan B if POSOM takes off.

Your child wants to include POSOM if that meant you and XW would get back together.

You will have many cries from each, as they get used to this new normal. I promise you they

cry for you, just the same way when they are with XW. It will get better.... just be prepared for

the pitfalls..... school year at two homes, holidays at two homes. Kids do not have coping 

mechanisms and.... to be honest, at your kids age, shouldn't have to. But we are here.

Be sure to separate your resentment for your XW for the infidelity but also.... how it inflicts 

unneeded stress on the kids. Small steps.....


----------



## MovingForward

Chuck71 said:


> Good play on dodging her fishing lure. Remember... she wants you to accept her new life, new man
> 
> but still maybe you and her get together with the kids and play "family" for a few hours on a Sunday
> 
> afternoon. That is to hide her guilt and try to keep you as Plan B if POSOM takes off.
> 
> Your child wants to include POSOM if that meant you and XW would get back together.
> 
> You will have many cries from each, as they get used to this new normal. I promise you they
> 
> cry for you, just the same way when they are with XW. It will get better.... just be prepared for
> 
> the pitfalls..... school year at two homes, holidays at two homes. Kids do not have coping
> 
> mechanisms and.... to be honest, at your kids age, shouldn't have to. But we are here.
> 
> Be sure to separate your resentment for your XW for the infidelity but also.... how it inflicts
> 
> unneeded stress on the kids. Small steps.....


Yeah I wanted to tell her how much she is confusing the kids especially since i found out from my D5 today that although my kids go summer camp his daughter stay with my XW in the day on occasion but she is blind to it all and only cares about herself and POSOM currently, I used to think she was a good Mom but losing a lot of respect for her, treating me like a ass is one thing but to put her own kids in that situation is something I would never have thought.

There is no way around it the D is going to affect the kids as is the non existent relationship between there parents but I have no control and can't change it so just going to have to make the best of it when they are with me and provide stability at least 50% of the time for them. People have survived and thrived in far worse situations but you just never want to see your kids hurting ever.


----------



## Chuck71

MovingForward said:


> Yeah I wanted to tell her how much she is confusing the kids especially since i found out from my D5 today that although my kids go summer camp his daughter stay with my XW in the day on occasion but she is blind to it all and only cares about herself and POSOM currently, I used to think she was a good Mom but losing a lot of respect for her, treating me like a ass is one thing but to put her own kids in that situation is something I would never have thought.
> 
> There is no way around it the D is going to affect the kids as is the non existent relationship between there parents but I have no control and can't change it so just going to have to make the best of it when they are with me and provide stability at least 50% of the time for them. People have survived and thrived in far worse situations but you just never want to see your kids hurting ever.


You will see things you never thought possible. Sad to say it but.... you haven't seen anything

yet. But it is as you said, out of your control. That's why you have to be the rock.

Your indifference / detachment from your XW will be sped up by her irrational actions.

The child swap gets much easier as the kids grow older. I find it sad you have to be tied to your XW

in some form or another the rest of your life. Maybe teach them how to use a phone while

they are with you and eventually they can use it to contact you anytime. Just remember..... you are 

now seeing her for who she really is.


----------



## MovingForward

Chuck71 said:


> You will see things you never thought possible. Sad to say it but.... you haven't seen anything
> 
> yet. But it is as you said, out of your control. That's why you have to be the rock.
> 
> Your indifference / detachment from your XW will be sped up by her irrational actions.
> 
> The child swap gets much easier as the kids grow older. I find it sad you have to be tied to your XW
> 
> in some form or another the rest of your life. Maybe teach them how to use a phone while
> 
> they are with you and eventually they can use it to contact you anytime. Just remember..... you are
> 
> now seeing her for who she really is.


Use Facetime so avoided contact with her entirely other than a text to say have kids call or i am calling them etc. Only contact is drop offs an can keep that minimal, frustrating part is having to accept she can do what she wants with the kids on her time regardless of how it affects them and I pretty much just have to suck it up. 

POSOM clearly does not care about his kids and seems like my XW is doing the same, well before he was divorced he was already having family pics taken with his and his new girl friends kids and then a couple months later he moved on to my XW and his daughter spends a lot of time with her on his parenting time.


----------



## JohnA

Stop the parties, do something real for your kids and yourself. Start projects they want to be home to participate in.


----------



## MovingForward

JohnA said:


> Stop the parties, do something real for your kids and yourself. Start projects they want to be home to participate in.


The kids have been away with XW for 4 weeks so got out with friends and had a blast. They got back last night so things have calmed down.

Not had a normal routine for a while and only have 2 more weeks before I take them on vacation and then back to school when the real routine starts.


----------



## Satya

You are the sole captain and hand on your ship. Your kids are the passengers and you're navigating very dangerous waters. You can't afford to be a drunk captain.


----------



## Chuck71

MovingForward said:


> Use Facetime so avoided contact with her entirely other than a text to say have kids call or i am calling them etc. Only contact is drop offs an can keep that minimal, frustrating part is having to accept she can do what she wants with the kids on her time regardless of how it affects them and I pretty much just have to suck it up.
> 
> POSOM clearly does not care about his kids and seems like my XW is doing the same, well before he was divorced he was already having family pics taken with his and his new girl friends kids and then a couple months later he moved on to my XW and his daughter spends a lot of time with her on his parenting time.


Your XW and POSOM are playing a game...... Whose money will run out first? First one who runs

out, the other will vanish like a fart in a baking soda factory. Bet the farm and mine too.

Lifescript's XW tries to play Fun Mommy while making Script look like the Joseph Stalin of 

parenting. Script has to be the disciplinarian with his son since she won't. Many times the hard road

is the right road. I can't tell you the times my pop wouldn't allow me to go out with the guys

and raise he!! or spend the night and party. He knew what was going to happen, he'd been.... where

I was going. I later thanked him. Stand by your convictions and raise your kids in a positive way.

If your XW chooses to be a screwball, that is not your concern unless it inflicts the kids.

She will be held accountable for that one day. Not by you.... but your kids. Kids are not as 

forgiving as we are led to believe.


----------



## Stang197

MovingForward said:


> So update from pick picking up kids.
> 
> The POSOM picked them all up from the airport and I then went over to get them, she tried to engage me and was all happy I ignored her, didn't look at her grabbed kids and left, she seemed shocked and said 'oh ok I guess bye?'. Had dinner and just hung out with kids and they both told me they can finally relax and were just happy to sit and watch TV with me.
> 
> They facetimed her later and she was with POSOM in his car I guess heading out for dinner.
> 
> My D5 started crying before bed telling me she missed her Mom and wanted to see her and POSOM, I asked if she wanted to go stay with her and she said no she just wanted us all to be together, I told her that cannot happen and she cried a lot so I told her to call her mom back if she missed her and she did and told her she wants to be with Mom and Dad at the same time, XW didn't really have much to say to that. Kids really seem to like the 'friend' POSOM.
> 
> Had one last blow out party on Saturday and time to get my head back on and my body back in shape and look after my children again, still have every other weekend to party if i want.




This makes me feel bad for your daughter. Poor kid. Can't blame her for wanting her life put back together.
Good for you though. As long as your parties don't get in the way of your time with the kids then have fun. You didn't ask for this either. Looks like your just making the best out of this situation.


----------



## MovingForward

Stang197 said:


> This makes me feel bad for your daughter. Poor kid. Can't blame her for wanting her life put back together.
> Good for you though. As long as your parties don't get in the way of your time with the kids then have fun. You didn't ask for this either. Looks like your just making the best out of this situation.


They are both just conflicted they miss the other parent when they are not around but have no favorite so just want both of us at same time and if that means POSOM is there then they want him there also which sucks but that's on her to explain. She is still claiming the 'friend' card though.


----------



## MovingForward

Satya said:


> You are the sole captain and hand on your ship. Your kids are the passengers and you're navigating very dangerous waters. You can't afford to be a drunk captain.


I will be good now they are back, I didn't know what to do with myself and was having a lot of invites so just went for everything. I am going to be much calmer now. 

It was a huge overnight change it felt like from having a family and not much free time to having no one around.


----------



## Stang197

MovingForward said:


> Satya said:
> 
> 
> 
> You are the sole captain and hand on your ship. Your kids are the passengers and you're navigating very dangerous waters. You can't afford to be a drunk captain.
> 
> 
> 
> I will be good now they are back, I didn't know what to do with myself and was having a lot of invites so just went for everything. I am going to be much calmer now.
> 
> It was a huge overnight change it felt like from having a family and not much free time to having no one around.
Click to expand...

You are just making the best out of this. Nothing wrong with getting out there and having fun. If you get drunk oh well. Just don't drink and drive or something like that. I would also add to not drink alone.


----------



## JohnA

Someone will raise your children and provide important life experiences and lesson. Who, exWW and Posm, the school system, or friends down the street??? What did you learn from your parents? What do you want them to know? 

What articles and books have you read on child development?

I know I am hammering you, but it is so easy to just drift accepting what ever life hands you. Screw that.

Focus on your kids and build a circle of families their age. 

Focus on your issues that caused harm to the marriage. Your first thread asked a lot of questions in this direction but again you drifted away from them. 

Be well


----------



## MovingForward

OK so latest update and mistakes made..................... I know keep making mistakes hoping to stop.

1) - Thinking Cheating Spouses have the ability to think of anyone but themselves!!!!!

So ****ed up and got mad, for the second night in a row my POS XW was on Facetime with OM in front of the kids so I reacted and told her it would be best if he was not always around when she talked to them or had them around him constantly since they need some transition time to get used to the split family and are asking a lot of questions and getting confused why he is in the picture, She basically told me the kids love him and its fine so deal with it, I was even nice in how i worded it despite being livid inside and her reaction made me flip out, I lost it told her what I thought of them both and send her so much abuse she threatened to take me to court for harassment. 

She only cares about herself and POSOM and even on her time with kids spends it with him, I said would it be too much to ask you just see him on your free time for a couple months but that was too much to ask.

Still mad today so keeping well away from alcohol and going to hit the gym, I am powerless to stop my kids getting hurt in this.


----------



## Marc878

MovingForward said:


> OK so latest update and mistakes made..................... I know keep making mistakes hoping to stop.
> 
> 1) - Thinking Cheating Spouses have the ability to think of anyone but themselves!!!!!
> 
> So ****ed up and got mad, for the second night in a row my POS XW was on Facetime with OM in front of the kids so I reacted and told her it would be best if he was not always around when she talked to them or had them around him constantly since they need some transition time to get used to the split family and are asking a lot of questions and getting confused why he is in the picture, She basically told me the kids love him and its fine so deal with it, I was even nice in how i worded it despite being livid inside and her reaction made me flip out, I lost it told her what I thought of them both and send her so much abuse she threatened to take me to court for harassment.
> 
> Talking never gets you anywhere in these situations. It can get an RO against you and loss of your kids. You'd better wake up here.
> 
> She only cares about herself and POSOM and even on her time with kids spends it with him, I said would it be too much to ask you just see him on your free time for a couple months but that was too much to ask.
> 
> Still mad today so keeping well away from alcohol and going to hit the gym, I am powerless to stop my kids getting hurt in this.


I hope you didn't just put yourself in a losing position.

You're only good action is a hard 180!!!! She's told you and shown you what she is and is capable of. You'd better wise up and start believing her or you'll put yourself in even worse shape.


----------



## MovingForward

Marc878 said:


> I hope you didn't just put yourself in a losing position.
> 
> You're only good action is a hard 180!!!! She's told you and shown you what she is and is capable of. You'd better wise up and start believing her or you'll put yourself in even worse shape.


I was frustrated she was openly hurting and confusing the kids with her selfishness, it just made me so mad.


----------



## Chuck71

MF....... it's almost time for another 2x4. LISTEN..... you can not do a damn thing about who is with you

XW while she Facetimes with the kids. Is it sheety of her, you bet it is but you can not do a thing

about it. Get that through your head. TRUST ME..... your XW wants him there to rub it in your

face and you are allowing it. If you pull back on Facetime, I promise she will too when they

are with her. That simply leads to a urinating contest and NO ONE wins. This is where you MUST be

the mature parent. Let your XW play her high school hi-jinks.... you are better than that.

Your kids need a father, and a mother. She may be an adequate mother sometime down the road,

but right now she is living it up with her new feller. This is where you show the kids you are the stable rock.

Know it, believe it, show it.


----------



## MovingForward

Chuck71 said:


> MF....... it's almost time for another 2x4. LISTEN..... you can not do a damn thing about who is with you
> 
> XW while she Facetimes with the kids. Is it sheety of her, you bet it is but you can not do a thing
> 
> about it. Get that through your head. TRUST ME..... your XW wants him there to rub it in your
> 
> face and you are allowing it. If you pull back on Facetime, I promise she will too when they
> 
> are with her. That simply leads to a urinating contest and NO ONE wins. This is where you MUST be
> 
> the mature parent. Let your XW play her high school hi-jinks.... you are better than that.
> 
> Your kids need a father, and a mother. She may be an adequate mother sometime down the road,
> 
> but right now she is living it up with her new feller. This is where you show the kids you are the stable rock.
> 
> Know it, believe it, show it.


Yeah I know let my emotions get the better of me, when someone ****s with the kids like that its just made me see red, she is completely oblivious to it but oh well kids are smart they will see her for what she is.

Well I have some motivation for the gym tonight now!!!!!!!!!


----------



## JohnA

Christ, you want a 20 page list of my mistakes - and I do not have children? Hard physical labor saved my life. Stress: the result of the suppression of the desire to choke to death someone that should be choked and horse whipped to death. I developed diabetes type 2 in late thirties that has since progressed to type 1. Diabetes causes the sugar level in your blood stream to act as a weak acid bath to your internal organs. Stress hormones do the same. There are only two ways to lower them: resolve and final peace with what has happened or burn them of by hard physical labor. I am 6 foot weighed 212 on DDay, three months later I weighted 165, yet was consuming over 3000 calories a day and my blood sugar was perfect. I was drinking 6 slim fasts and eating 4 or 5 meals a day. 

I knew a father who had his son work on projects like habitat of humanity. My dad was a scoutmaster and my troop did several community projects a year. The point is find something constructive to do with your children. Something that will last and help others. The man I mentioned favored the projects he chose because it taught; you have to help yourself, learn to accept help, sacrifice your time and money to help others. 

Like I said easily 20 pages, if I scold it is been there, you don't want to go there.


----------



## MovingForward

JohnA said:


> Christ, you want a 20 page list of my mistakes - and I do not have children? Hard physical labor saved my life. Stress: the result of the suppression of the desire to choke to death someone that should be choked and horse whipped to death. I developed diabetes type 2 in late thirties that has since progressed to type 1. Diabetes causes the sugar level in your blood stream to act as a weak acid bath to your internal organs. Stress hormones do the same. There are only two ways to lower them: resolve and final peace with what has happened or burn them of by hard physical labor. I am 6 foot weighed 212 on DDay, three months later I weighted 165, yet was consuming over 3000 calories a day and my blood sugar was perfect. I was drinking 6 slim fasts and eating 4 or 5 meals a day.
> 
> I knew a father who had his son work on projects like habitat of humanity. My dad was a scoutmaster and my troop did several community projects a year. The point is find something constructive to do with your children. Something that will last and help others. The man I mentioned favored the projects he chose because it taught; you have to help yourself, learn to accept help, sacrifice your time and money to help others.
> 
> Like I said easily 20 pages, if I scold it is been there, you don't want to go there.


Still cant sleep due to pure rage, worked out so hard until I could barely move then hung out with kids and was fine until 2am when i woke up again raging and mind racing on how much I got screwed over and how the kids are unhappy.

I told them last night when they asked the reason we cant get back together is because Mom has a boyfriend and told them who it was.


----------



## Bananapeel

Anger is a normal part of the grieving process, but it is far too easy for that to spill over into how you interact with your kids. I'm not saying you'd hit them but instead that you're not going to be the best version of yourself and be the best role model if you are focused on your anger. Counseling can help you speed that transition up, at least it did for me.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

MovingForward said:


> Still cant sleep due to pure rage, worked out so hard until I could barely move then hung out with kids and was fine until 2am when i woke up again raging and mind racing on how much I got screwed over and how the kids are unhappy.
> 
> I told them last night when they asked the reason we cant get back together is because Mom has a boyfriend and told them who it was.


That is about all you can do. The rest of her life she will have to explain why she betrayed you and broke the family up by bring a stranger into their lives like that. Of course she will blame you, that it was your fault and she had to do it for her best interests but over time her excuses will ring hollow. When they are completely mature in their late 20's - early 30s they will really understand what happened. Your POS exwife may think that she can easily replace daddy but that is never the case if you stay super involved in their life. She has no decision in how you raise your children when they are with you. Explain to your children what your marriage vows were. Then live by an exemplary example. You have to play a long long game on this. In the end they will know who she is and what she did. It is highly likely years from now they will confront her with her lies. You will hear about it and just smile inside. In the meantime don't do anything rash or argue with her. Its pointless, stresses you out and changes nothing. Time is on your side if you play your cards right.


----------



## MovingForward

Bananapeel said:


> Anger is a normal part of the grieving process, but it is far too easy for that to spill over into how you interact with your kids. I'm not saying you'd hit them but instead that you're not going to be the best version of yourself and be the best role model if you are focused on your anger. Counseling can help you speed that transition up, at least it did for me.


I dont let it spill out to kids at all which is good, when I was depressed I found it hard to be there for them but got past that and the anger doesn't play a part in there lives or at least is has not yet.... not saying if my POS XW tries to pull any **** in front of them I wont lose my mind but hoping not and i can walk away and deal with it out of there view.

i am in counseling and actually had a phone consultation last night because I was so angry earlier in the day I asked him to call me when he was on his way home for the day.

I have to be there for the kids since the POS XW is clearly not.


----------



## MovingForward

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> That is about all you can do. The rest of her life she will have to explain why she betrayed you and broke the family up by bring a stranger into their lives like that. Of course she will blame you, that it was your fault and she had to do it for her best interests but over time her excuses will ring hollow. When they are completely mature in their late 20's - early 30s they will really understand what happened. Your POS exwife may think that she can easily replace daddy but that is never the case if you stay super involved in their life. She has no decision in how you raise your children when they are with you. Explain to your children what your marriage vows were. Then live by an exemplary example. You have to play a long long game on this. In the end they will know who she is and what she did. It is highly likely years from now they will confront her with her lies. You will hear about it and just smile inside. In the meantime don't do anything rash or argue with her. Its pointless, stresses you out and changes nothing. Time is on your side if you play your cards right.


I have always been super involved and will continue to, my POS XW spends no lone time with them at all she has the POSOM around constantly with his kids and they told me they dont like it at her house. 

I dont know why but it still shocks me how she is such a terrible person and doesnt care about her kids she is completely blinded by the new man


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

MovingForward said:


> I have always been super involved and will continue to, my POS XW spends no lone time with them at all she has the POSOM around constantly with his kids and they told me they dont like it at her house.
> 
> I dont know why but it still shocks me how she is such a terrible person and doesnt care about her kids she is completely blinded by the new man


It is shocking. You think you know someone who then reveals another side. She is a traitor, and traitors are hated for the very reason they use trust against the very people who believe in them, love them, care for them. You will never understand why she did it. You will simply learn to live with the fact that it happened. She is a POS. The faster you accept that the better. For your own mental health.


----------



## JohnA

Wished I had given you this link a long time ago, but until the divorce you didn't want to hear about the possibility of adultery. Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums. Note "any child over the age of four needs to be informed". Telling them allows closure on the why issue. 

Also you cannot be friends ever with your exWW. Many exWS seek this to validate and justify there actions. What you can be is allies in co-parenting. This is the only subject you should interact with her. I caution you not to let your children play the two of you against each other. 
You mentioned you have I/C. Do any of your conversations deal with this concern?


----------



## Elizabeth001

Stop asking "why". Even if you knew why, it wouldn't change anything. Trying to figure out the "why" will just slowly drive you insane. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## MovingForward

JohnA said:


> Wished I had given you this link a long time ago, but until the divorce you didn't want to hear about the possibility of adultery. Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums. Note "any child over the age of four needs to be informed". Telling them allows closure on the why issue.
> 
> Also you cannot be friends ever with your exWW. Many exWS seek this to validate and justify there actions. What you can be is allies in co-parenting. This is the only subject you should interact with her. I caution you not to let your children play the two of you against each other.
> You mentioned you have I/C. Do any of your conversations deal with this concern?


I am exposing to everyone telling every single person I speak to and we live in a small community.

Both Children know and I am hoping start asking her the awkward questions they have been asking me finally. 

I have IC and we are dealing with a few things but co-parenting is not one of them I cannot do it she is not on the same page at all so unfortunately I will just have to do my best alone on my time and accept what she does on hers I want Zero to do with her.


----------



## MovingForward

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> It is shocking. You think you know someone who then reveals another side. She is a traitor, and traitors are hated for the very reason they use trust against the very people who believe in them, love them, care for them. You will never understand why she did it. You will simply learn to live with the fact that it happened. She is a POS. The faster you accept that the better. For your own mental health.


Yeah for sure, honestly the best thing I have done is talk to people, tell everyone what has happened and just get it off my chest, i was so embarrassed when it first happened and ashamed but once i realized it was not me it was her things started to change. If we didn't have Children together i would be great but I have to make sure they are good and tried to 'Co-parent' to make the best of a bad situation for them and it backfired so never again just accept who she is and do the best with my time with them, luckily I have 50/50 so can still be a big positive influence in there life.

I feel bad for the guys in the same situation who have less time with kids.


----------



## MovingForward

Elizabeth001 said:


> Stop asking "why". Even if you knew why, it wouldn't change anything. Trying to figure out the "why" will just slowly drive you insane.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I know I am slowly dealing with it moving through the different stages.


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## Elizabeth001

MovingForward said:


> I know I am slowly dealing with it moving through the different stages.




Well… I can tell you… Partying it out is not going to solve anything. I will have to say that you're having fun but still… You have children to think of.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## MovingForward

Elizabeth001 said:


> Well… I can tell you… Partying it out is not going to solve anything. I will have to say that you're having fun but still… You have children to think of.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I was only partying when they were out of town that has stopped since they got back was lost and not sure what to do with myself and kept getting invited out so accepted every invitation.


----------



## Edmund

MovingForward said:


> OK so latest update and mistakes made..................... I know keep making mistakes hoping to stop.
> 
> 1) - Thinking Cheating Spouses have the ability to think of anyone but themselves!!!!!
> 
> So ****ed up and got mad, for the second night in a row my POS XW was on Facetime with OM in front of the kids so I reacted and told her it would be best if he was not always around when she talked to them or had them around him constantly since they need some transition time to get used to the split family and are asking a lot of questions and getting confused why he is in the picture, She basically told me the kids love him and its fine so deal with it, I was even nice in how i worded it despite being livid inside and her reaction made me flip out, I lost it told her what I thought of them both and send her so much abuse she threatened to take me to court for harassment.
> 
> She only cares about herself and POSOM and even on her time with kids spends it with him, I said would it be too much to ask you just see him on your free time for a couple months but that was too much to ask.
> 
> Still mad today so keeping well away from alcohol and going to hit the gym, I am powerless to stop my kids getting hurt in this.


MovingForward
I thought that you asked for 6 months before she could introduce kids to her affair partner, and you eventually agreed to 3 months. It hasn't been 3 months yet.

Everyone else
Please stop picking on him about partying while kids were gone. It was perfectly appropriate he needs support from friends.


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## MovingForward

Edmund said:


> MovingForward
> I thought that you asked for 6 months before she could introduce kids to her affair partner, and you eventually agreed to 3 months. It hasn't been 3 months yet.
> 
> Everyone else
> Please stop picking on him about partying while kids were gone. It was perfectly appropriate he needs support from friends.


We did agree on 3 months before any contact but she broke it before we officially signed the papers, he has even had an overnight which was supposed to be 6 months and in both instances I was supposed to get 10 days notice!! If this was further down the line I would not have been as bothered since they are not openly a couple in front of the kids but............. the kids have only known for about a 6 weeks and for 4 of those they have been out of state and it is really confusing for them currently as they have had no time at all to get used to the family being split up. They ask me all the time why we all cannot hang around together and why cant we get back together and why do we have to be divorced and seeing another guy around Mom immediately while it is all fresh for them cannot be healthy.

I finally told them we cannot hang around and we are not married because Mom has a boyfriend.


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## MovingForward

I am actually calm today no anger or care in the world weird..... hope it continue.


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## Edmund

MovingForward said:


> Yeah for sure, honestly the best thing I have done is talk to people, tell everyone what has happened and just get it off my chest, i was so embarrassed when it first happened and ashamed but once i realized it was not me it was her things started to change. If we didn't have Children together i would be great but I have to make sure they are good and tried to 'Co-parent' to make the best of a bad situation for them and it backfired so never again just accept who she is and do the best with my time with them, luckily I have 50/50 so can still be a big positive influence in there life.
> 
> I feel bad for the guys in the same situation who have less time with kids.


Moving Forward
From your recent posts I now suspect that this is not over. I think her end goal is to get the children 100% and cut you out entirely. This is why she is goading you, trying to get you to make a mistake. Maybe some others on here have some good ideas about how to avoid her traps.


----------



## MovingForward

Edmund said:


> Moving Forward
> From your recent posts I now suspect that this is not over. I think her end goal is to get the children 100% and cut you out entirely. This is why she is goading you, trying to get you to make a mistake. Maybe some others on here have some good ideas about how to avoid her traps.


A few other people have told me it seems like she is trying to get a reaction to make me look bad so i will be cautious. 

I do not believe she wants them full time though she would not be able to manage and it would cut into her fun times it is more to justify her behavior to say something like 'see how he is' 'are you surprised' 'he was abusive' or something along those lines.


----------



## Edmund

MovingForward said:


> I am actually calm today no anger or care in the world weird..... hope it continue.


Ok I am sorry if my post ruin your day, I didn't mean to do that! Peace, man.


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## MovingForward

Edmund said:


> Ok I am sorry if my post ruin your day, I didn't mean to do that! Peace, man.


All good I am fine


----------



## Marc878

MovingForward said:


> A few other people have told me it seems like she is trying to get a reaction to make me look bad so i will be cautious.
> 
> I do not believe she wants them full time though she would not be able to manage and it would cut into her fun times it is more to justify her behavior to say something like 'see how he is' 'are you surprised' 'he was abusive' or something along those lines.


Upfront you were convinced she'd never cheat on you either.

Caution flags should be up at full mast.


----------



## MovingForward

Marc878 said:


> Upfront you were convinced she'd never cheat on you either.
> 
> Caution flags should be up at full mast.


You are very correct....... i just cant see her wanting that though.

I am going to be more careful, I have calmed down quite a lot today I was expecting too much from her and need to have no expectation and be shocked about nothing at all, just focus me and the kids.


----------



## MovingForward

So kids have been with there Mom for last couple of days and spent all the time at the POSOM's house again, she Ignored my calls and did not have the kids call back because they were there so late and guess she did not want me to know or did not want kids talking to me in front of him maybe. They called me this morning and told me all about it and I didn't react at all still trying to just accept I cannot influence anything she does so don't even think about trying.

I get to pick them up tonight and we have the weekend together so happy times and looking forward to the weekend.


----------



## Chuck71

I'm certain everyone understands your anger. It's not all the time but it's there. You have reason 

to be angry. Many reasons.

You got shafted on CS, alimony, entire D settlement, now she is parading POSOM (again need a nickname for your XW) around town, the kids.

I bet you're thinking -Karma bus my ass- but be patient.... it will happen, always does. She is successfully getting under your skin.... she's known how

for many years. She wants to have her fun now, on your dime. Give it... six months and she will start wanting the kids more, to have her 

"new family." When she starts to goad you, her end game is to push you out. She already has your money now.... she wants the kids.....

all to herself. And if you let her manipulate you, she will get it. MF.... when you get to 50k ft. you see things without emotion. Emotion clouds our

judgement. Did my XW do things to hurt me leading up to the D? Yes she did. But once I stepped into the light, everything changed.

When she could not gauge my emotions, she began reaching, and reaching, and reaching. The power shift changed. If she does things to pizz you

off.... let it roll off your back, all she wants is a reaction out of you. Trust me.... when she gets PO'd at POSOM, she WILL take it out on you....

or try to. Silence makes her own her actions and she does not want to do that. That would make her look in the mirror and see reality. Last thing she

ever wants to do. Use that time you are angry to turn it into a positive for you. If you remain angry it will be impossible for you to have any type

of serious relationship. Your inability to control your anger means.... she wins. Doubt you want that. Never let her actions define who you are.


----------



## JohnA

You need to discuss this with IC. Remember the six basic P(s) in life. Proper Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance. Just as therebis a cheater script there is a script for what she is doing now. Be prepared with counter punches. Build a social network in your neighbor hood for you and your children that they want to be part of. 

Remind me again how old are your Children? I know you have a boy and a girl.


----------



## JohnA

Also get a motorcycle.


----------



## Elizabeth001

Just wanted to say that I wasn't really coming down on the OP about a lot of partying. I don't blame him at all for having as much fun as he can, just be careful that drinking doesn't turn into self-medication when you hit the down spots. 

I say this because I experienced it myself and it is an easy trap to fall into. 

I meant to mention that some time ago but life got busy. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## MovingForward

Chuck71 said:


> I'm certain everyone understands your anger. It's not all the time but it's there. You have reason
> 
> to be angry. Many reasons.
> 
> You got shafted on CS, alimony, entire D settlement, now she is parading POSOM (again need a nickname for your XW) around town, the kids.
> 
> I bet you're thinking -Karma bus my ass- but be patient.... it will happen, always does. She is successfully getting under your skin.... she's known how
> 
> for many years. She wants to have her fun now, on your dime. Give it... six months and she will start wanting the kids more, to have her
> 
> "new family." When she starts to goad you, her end game is to push you out. She already has your money now.... she wants the kids.....
> 
> all to herself. And if you let her manipulate you, she will get it. MF.... when you get to 50k ft. you see things without emotion. Emotion clouds our
> 
> judgement. Did my XW do things to hurt me leading up to the D? Yes she did. But once I stepped into the light, everything changed.
> 
> When she could not gauge my emotions, she began reaching, and reaching, and reaching. The power shift changed. If she does things to pizz you
> 
> off.... let it roll off your back, all she wants is a reaction out of you. Trust me.... when she gets PO'd at POSOM, she WILL take it out on you....
> 
> or try to. Silence makes her own her actions and she does not want to do that. That would make her look in the mirror and see reality. Last thing she
> 
> ever wants to do. Use that time you are angry to turn it into a positive for you. If you remain angry it will be impossible for you to have any type
> 
> of serious relationship. Your inability to control your anger means.... she wins. Doubt you want that. Never let her actions define who you are.


You are right easy to let the anger control you at time but do need to channel it into something more productive and improvement versus destructive non beneficial behavior. Like you say it's hard to get screwed over so bad and just let it slide but have to do it unfortunately. She is ot living it up with new man on my cash it's frustrating. I hope Karma comes but not hopeful.


----------



## MovingForward

JohnA said:


> You need to discuss this with IC. Remember the six basic P(s) in life. Proper Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance. Just as therebis a cheater script there is a script for what she is doing now. Be prepared with counter punches. Build a social network in your neighbor hood for you and your children that they want to be part of.
> 
> Remind me again how old are your Children? I know you have a boy and a girl.


8 and 5, still building the network but doing OK so far with it.

Still in IC twice a month


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## MovingForward

JohnA said:


> Also get a motorcycle.


Will be closer to end of year ?


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## MovingForward

Elizabeth001 said:


> Just wanted to say that I wasn't really coming down on the OP about a lot of partying. I don't blame him at all for having as much fun as he can, just be careful that drinking doesn't turn into self-medication when you hit the down spots.
> 
> I say this because I experienced it myself and it is an easy trap to fall into.
> 
> I meant to mention that some time ago but life got busy.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I knew what you meant. It may me a slight crutch at times but I'm great when with kids. Still just figuring out my new routine as never really had a social life here before and also have a lot of down time so just need to figure out my new normal and I will be good.


----------



## Chuck71

MovingForward said:


> You are right easy to let the anger control you at time but do need to channel it into something more productive and improvement versus destructive non beneficial behavior. Like you say it's hard to get screwed over so bad and just let it slide but have to do it unfortunately. She is ot living it up with new man on my cash it's frustrating. I hope Karma comes but not hopeful.


When you have some down time..... check out the three Star Wars, the originals,

1977, 1980, 1983. Pay strict attention to 1980, Empire Strikes Back. Focus on when Luke

sought out Yoda for training on Dagoba. Watch how angry Luke is, how his anger twists him.

You have to let go of the anger. Look at it this way, you have two kids.... and she most 

likely was a good mother. Now her priorities are screwed up. One day your kids will learn what

happened. Children have long ass memories and are as forgiving as a pit viper. 

Notice I still call my dad "pop."


----------



## MovingForward

Chuck71 said:


> When you have some down time..... check out the three Star Wars, the originals,
> 
> 1977, 1980, 1983. Pay strict attention to 1980, Empire Strikes Back. Focus on when Luke
> 
> sought out Yoda for training on Dagoba. Watch how angry Luke is, how his anger twists him.
> 
> You have to let go of the anger. Look at it this way, you have two kids.... and she most
> 
> likely was a good mother. Now her priorities are screwed up. One day your kids will learn what
> 
> happened. Children have long ass memories and are as forgiving as a pit viper.
> 
> Notice I still call my dad "pop."


Yeah her priorities are screwed up for sure............ she doesn't even think she has done anything wrong at all and is oblivious to the kids pain.


----------



## JohnA

She has her prioties and is acting on them. You need to set your own and act on them. Look up the term "gray rocking" which is what you need to do with her.


----------



## MovingForward

Running two separate threads but going to use this one for talking about my actual life after divorce and use my busier thread for all the BS with x etc.

So life goes on but still have great days and have days that are crappy, sometimes really enjoy the freedom and other times wish I had some company other than just friends, cant party forever I fell into the trap of literally drinking pretty much every day so stopping that and trying to get a nice routine again which involved mundane things like actually cooking meals, shopping, cleaning and doing laundry, going to the gym again and getting healthy.

Have been playing around with online dating but find it very frustrating and I am not ready to date anyone if I am honest with myself, still have a lot of anger towards my X and apparently that means i still care so not over it yet, with the online dating I feel like I am desperate for validation or to get confidence to prove I can get someone but also feel its to subconsciously show my X.

I do find myself frustrated she has someone and they are always together and doing fun things and I am alone still, also feel sad i do not get to share my experiences with the children with anyone anymore.

Observation I have made on tinder for men - Lots of hot girls will swipe you to get get followers on Instagram and SC but not actually engage or tell you to follow them and message in Instagram its a weird world we live in but a clever marketing trick.


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## Elizabeth001

Baby steps. You are doing well 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## MovingForward

Elizabeth001 said:


> Baby steps. You are doing well
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Thanks the adjustment to being single is a tough one, some days I cant ever see myself having another relationship again and others i crave it badly. 

Think I might just need to get laid :wink2:


----------



## MovingForward

So I have 2 dates this week just to get out the house and have some company. One I met at a Pool party and she reached out and one I met on Bumble so going to see how goes both seem like nice girls so hoping there is a connection with one of them or at least a new friend to hang out with.


----------



## Chuck71

MovingForward said:


> So I have 2 dates this week just to get out the house and have some company. One I met at a Pool party and she reached out and one I met on Bumble so going to see how goes both seem like nice girls so hoping there is a connection with one of them or at least a new friend to hang out with.


Go in with *ZERO* expectations. They're pretty damn lucky to be able

to spend time with MF. Too many people new to dating get this phobia about feeling it is

something wrong with "them" if nothing works out. Could not be further from the truth.

Make first meets.... short, no thrills, basic. Even if you feel a spark.... don't extend the date. 

If there's a "spark," there will be a definite 1st "real date."


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## Elizabeth001

Great post!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## MovingForward

Chuck71 said:


> Go in with *ZERO* expectations. They're pretty damn lucky to be able
> 
> to spend time with MF. Too many people new to dating get this phobia about feeling it is
> 
> something wrong with "them" if nothing works out. Could not be further from the truth.
> 
> Make first meets.... short, no thrills, basic. Even if you feel a spark.... don't extend the date.
> 
> If there's a "spark," there will be a definite 1st "real date."


Did not see this in time LOL. 

There was a spark for sure it went really well and we have kept in touch and may be meeting again on Saturday we shall see.

I am still going on the other date tonight as she seems really nice also so may as well see how it goes. Time will tell. Having fun anyway and its vgood to get out and have some company and if nothing works out or comes from it then it is still good practice for future.


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## Chuck71

MovingForward said:


> Did not see this in time LOL.
> 
> There was a spark for sure it went really well and we have kept in touch and may be meeting again on Saturday we shall see.
> .


If there were mutual sparks........ and you have not solidified a "1st date" with her for this 

weekend, by now...... try this..... "Samantha I plan on doing xxxxxxxxx from xx pm to xx pm.

I hope it's a blast. Like to see you there if you would be available." She doesn't exactly have to

say no and you're not exactly asking her out with such short notice. If you ask her out for a 1st date,

try giving her at least 4-5 days notice. Yeah this sounds weird, and it is. If you connect with a girl

and she senses you like her...... she will "hint" she will be available well in advance. 

That goes for a female 21, 31, 41, even 51. It's not as much different as you think it is, 

from when you were 18-24, if you are dating women near your age. You're older, are much more 

aware of the games some women play.... and most women, stop playing all those games after 28-32.

Back in 2015, met a girl, spark, great 1st date, asked her out for 2nd.... couldn't make it.

-I have a prior commitment with family but if you are free Monday, your team is on TV,

would like to watch the game with you, I'll make dip chip / salsa / cheese, etc- Was no lie, she had 

mentioned that on the date and I forgot. Took her up on that BTW. If a girl knows you will ask 

her out again, they will drop hints about prior plans (hoping you're listening LOL). That way the 

guy knows when she is free before he asks. Yes dating sucks in many ways. But when you see a spark,

it gets really easy, really quick.

Well..... until the schit tests come.... LOL


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## MovingForward

So my Date Cancelled on Friday oh well no big deal.

The Girl from Wednesday wanted to meet Saturday but was Flakey so I arranged to do something with Friends and had a good time and she wanted to do something Sunday but waited all day to let me know so I met another friend instead, its a good feeling currently being comfortable on my own and not feeling desperate to find someone, we will keep talking and see what happens. I keep going in and out of wanting to date to not wanting to date to maybe just wanting to have sex to being perfectly happy just being single its weird.

So because my date cancelled I spoke to my Children and they asked if they could come over on my X's night, she messaged me to tell me she had a business meeting and had a babysitter for the Children but if i wanted them i could pick them up, not sure why it bothered me but it turns out her business meeting was a meal out with her boyfriend as I saw it on social media as they went with a Car dealer I know and he posted a pic, just dont understand the lies makes no sense at all I would always rather have them than them be with a babysitter.

Also need tips on dealing with anger towards the X, I dont talk to her, have no contact other than child exchanges and going no contact has been great, but I just despise her so drop offs and hearing her voice just annoy me, her fake personality annoys me, when she calls to speak to the kids its annoys me I just dislike her so much that she takes time up in my head being angry at her and it needs to stop so anyone who has got over the anger let me know how you did it.


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## Bananapeel

For flaky girl, don't keep talking with her. Instead just directly ask her out for a specific day, time, place, activity and see if she accepts. If she's interested in you then she'll make it work or tell you when her schedule is free and try to reschedule for then. If she plays any games with accepting then she's not really interested enough for you to waste your time with her. You should only date women that show a high interest level in you because those are the ones that you are going to have your best dates with. If the interest level isn't high enough for her to commit to a date, then just pull away and stop interacting with her (you can tell her to contact you if her schedule changes, then you should stop all contact with her). You need to show that you have options and you aren't going to waste your time being strung along (this includes talking without dating) by someone that's not highly interested in meeting you. 

The only tip I can give about anger towards the ex-wife is that it will go away with time. Exactly how much time is anyone's guess. But the further away from divorce you get the easier things are and the less energy/emotion/anger will be directed towards her.


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## MovingForward

Bananapeel said:


> For flaky girl, don't keep talking with her. Instead just directly ask her out for a specific day, time, place, activity and see if she accepts. If she's interested in you then she'll make it work or tell you when her schedule is free and try to reschedule for then. If she plays any games with accepting then she's not really interested enough for you to waste your time with her. You should only date women that show a high interest level in you because those are the ones that you are going to have your best dates with. If the interest level isn't high enough for her to commit to a date, then just pull away and stop interacting with her (you can tell her to contact you if her schedule changes, then you should stop all contact with her). You need to show that you have options and you aren't going to waste your time being strung along (this includes talking without dating) by someone that's not highly interested in meeting you.
> 
> The only tip I can give about anger towards the ex-wife is that it will go away with time. Exactly how much time is anyone's guess. But the further away from divorce you get the easier things are and the less energy/emotion/anger will be directed towards her.


Thanks @Bananapeel. I am back in contact with both girls again so all good, we are meeting again Wednesday and the other girl is out of town looking after her Mom she messaged to say she wants to meet up when she is back in town so I guess see how it goes, she is a fun girl and we click in person real well just hard time on phone and text, she is Russian and English is her third language so i think that may be part of the problem but who knows we shall see though.


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## MovingForward

So got a text from X at 3am asking me to call her to discuss rumors she is hearing about herself, people are telling her that I am spreading rumors about her and a different guy to POSOM which is funny but not true. Told her we have nothing to discuss and it makes no difference to me what she does in her own time.


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## Bananapeel

Great job with your X. Her problems aren't your problems, so it's good you are wise enough to stay uninvolved in them. 

Try not to do too much on the phone (e.g. max of 10 minute calls) or via text with prospective women. Basically, just use those as a means to set up dates and save the talking for the dates. This way you can get to take your time and develop your relationship during actual dates, which helps with the courtship. Too much talking/texting takes away the mystery of learning about the other person and will make you seem like every other guy these women have gone out with.


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## MovingForward

Bananapeel said:


> Great job with your X. Her problems aren't your problems, so it's good you are wise enough to stay uninvolved in them.
> 
> Try not to do too much on the phone (e.g. max of 10 minute calls) or via text with prospective women. Basically, just use those as a means to set up dates and save the talking for the dates. This way you can get to take your time and develop your relationship during actual dates, which helps with the courtship. Too much talking/texting takes away the mystery of learning about the other person and will make you seem like every other guy these women have gone out with.


That is how I have been trying to do it, introduction and then try and arrange a meeting, My text/phone skills are terrible I am much better in person.


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## Marc878

MovingForward said:


> So got a text from X at 3am asking me to call her to discuss rumors she is hearing about herself, people are telling her that I am spreading rumors about her and a different guy to POSOM which is funny but not true. Told her we have nothing to discuss and it makes no difference to me what she does in her own time.


Instead of responding you'd be better of being silent. Just ignore her man


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## Chuck71

MovingForward said:


> So got a text from X at 3am asking me to call her to discuss rumors she is hearing about herself, people are telling her that I am spreading rumors about her and a different guy to POSOM which is funny but not true. Told her we have nothing to discuss and it makes no difference to me what she does in her own time.


Radio silence...... any text from 10pm-6am not concerning the kids definitely should be ignored.


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## MovingForward

MovingForward said:


> Thanks @Bananapeel. I am back in contact with both girls again so all good, we are meeting again Wednesday and the other girl is out of town looking after her Mom she messaged to say she wants to meet up when she is back in town so I guess see how it goes, she is a fun girl and we click in person real well just hard time on phone and text, she is Russian and English is her third language so i think that may be part of the problem but who knows we shall see though.


Had another really successful date we just have really good chemistry together and get on so well feels like known her for ages, we are in contact daily and i really wish she lived a little closer and my Schedule was more open so I could see her more.


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## MovingForward

Still so far so good with the Russian so we are heading to spend weekend together in Las Vegas to hang out at the pools and some nice dinner and a shows.


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## Edmund

MovingForward said:


> Still so far so good with the Russian so we are heading to spend weekend together in Las Vegas to hang out at the pools and some nice dinner and a shows.


This is good, MF. Hopefully you will soon forget completely about, what's her name? I think I would drop the M - 12 from your signature and leave the kids - 2 now.


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## Chuck71

MovingForward said:


> Still so far so good with the Russian so we are heading to spend weekend together in Las Vegas to hang out at the pools and some nice dinner and a shows.


Enjoy yourself....... just don't get "caught up in the game." Dating is "new" to you.

Yes it is okay to date someone and if things don't progress after..... 3-4 months, you call it.

But MF...... once you meet and feel a slight spark.... has dating actually changed "that much?"


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## MovingForward

Chuck71 said:


> Enjoy yourself....... just don't get "caught up in the game." Dating is "new" to you.
> 
> Yes it is okay to date someone and if things don't progress after..... 3-4 months, you call it.
> 
> But MF...... once you meet and feel a slight spark.... has dating actually changed "that much?"


Only change I have noticed is there is no labels I dont understand what our relationship actually is, I mean we communicate daily, been on a few dates, had an overnight and about to spend a long weekend together but would not say she is a girlfriend or anything just not sure what she is.


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## MovingForward

Edmund said:


> This is good, MF. Hopefully you will soon forget completely about, what's her name? I think I would drop the M - 12 from your signature and leave the kids - 2 now.


I still have to see her a few days a week but mostly over it all i think.


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## Chuck71

MovingForward said:


> Only change I have noticed is there is no labels I dont understand what our relationship actually is, I mean we communicate daily, been on a few dates, had an overnight and about to spend a long weekend together but would not say she is a girlfriend or anything just not sure what she is.


Let her know your app from (insert dating site) is blowing up your phone.

She'll let you know, really damn quick.


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## Bananapeel

MovingForward said:


> Only change I have noticed is there is no labels I dont understand what our relationship actually is, I mean we communicate daily, been on a few dates, had an overnight and about to spend a long weekend together but would not say she is a girlfriend or anything just not sure what she is.


Don't worry about that at all. At this point you are just casually dating each other and having fun. Some women like to really know a guy well before they commit to a label, so if/when she wants a label she'll bring it up. Until then, just enjoy yourself and your time together.


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## FeministInPink

Bananapeel said:


> Don't worry about that at all. At this point you are just casually dating each other and having fun. Some women like to really know a guy well before they commit to a label, so if/when she wants a label she'll bring it up. Until then, just enjoy yourself and your time together.


Yeah, I wouldn't worry about labels right now. Just enjoy it and see what happens.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## MovingForward

Well things still going well so far, we had a great weekend together and seeing each other again tonight. I think I am liking her as she is very physically affectionate and is always holding hands, hugging, kissing etc also she has really started opening up and the texts are getting easier as are the phone calls.

Trying not to get too excited but I do feel really happy just dont want this to be a rebound so luckily or unluckily how ever you look at it I dont have the option to see her that often due to work travel and children so hoping that doesn't become an issue. 

I just realized due to my X's Vacations and Alleged work trips I have the children 22 out of 31 days in October and 5 weekends straight and I am the one paying child support!!!! This will make things difficult to date but going to just have to figure it out. 

Recently i have been trying to forget the fact she is my X-wife and think of her as just the kids Mother which works BUT................... the moment I have to have any interaction with her she still makes me mad so cannot wait until I literally don't need her for a thing.


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## aine

MovingForward said:


> Only change I have noticed is there is no labels I dont understand what our relationship actually is, I mean we communicate daily, been on a few dates, had an overnight and about to spend a long weekend together but would not say she is a girlfriend or anything just not sure what she is.


Why do you need a label? Just enjoy and live in the moment, it is too soon to plan so far ahead


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## Melrose8888

MovingForward said:


> Recently i have been trying to forget the fact she is my X-wife and think of her as just the kids Mother which works BUT................... the moment I have to have any interaction with her she still makes me mad so cannot wait until I literally don't need her for a thing.


Something I have done is to refer to the POSXW to 'the boys mother' or 'your mother' in ALL conversations with people / my kids. Interesting how it becomes second nature after a while and I think it helps the mindset...


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## MovingForward

Melrose8888 said:


> Something I have done is to refer to the POSXW to 'the boys mother' or 'your mother' in ALL conversations with people / my kids. Interesting how it becomes second nature after a while and I think it helps the mindset...


Yes I like that idea. Luckily I have not had to refer to her much but will make a point going forward of referring to her as my Children's mother. Funny how you spend so long with someone and never realize how much of a POS they are, the only reason she ever still plays on my mind is how much money I have to pay her and how terrible she is with my children and how I feel like I have to pick up more with them to counteract how negligent she is.


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## Chuck71

MovingForward said:


> Yes I like that idea. Luckily I have not had to refer to her much but will make a point going forward of referring to her as my Children's mother. Funny how you spend so long with someone and never realize how much of a POS they are, the only reason she ever still plays on my mind is how much money I have to pay her and how terrible she is with my children and how I feel like I have to pick up more with them to counteract how negligent she is.


Be sure to document the extra times you have the children. The first thing I learned working

at a job was.... "if it ain't documented, it didn't happen."

I 110% understand your frustration and anger. You have every right to... but it keeps your focus

on her. Draw up a calendar and mark the months down to when you STOP paying vaginamony. 

Do your kids see a therapist? If not... have a sit-down with their school psychologist.

If your children are verbally telling you examples of them being neglected, the SP can document this.

This is the long game. Your job, you travel often. Can you slide into a non-travel job in a few years?

As for your current squeeze.... know why you're so receptive to her? She is giving you exactly what

you wanted.... from your XW. You're eating it up and it is completely normal. 

This happens super often after a D. Enjoy it for what it is.... in the now.

Maybe after six months... re-assess. For now... enjoy getting what you weren't getting.


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## MovingForward

Chuck71 said:


> Be sure to document the extra times you have the children. The first thing I learned working
> 
> at a job was.... "if it ain't documented, it didn't happen."
> 
> I 110% understand your frustration and anger. You have every right to... but it keeps your focus
> 
> on her. Draw up a calendar and mark the months down to when you STOP paying vaginamony.
> 
> Do your kids see a therapist? If not... have a sit-down with their school psychologist.
> 
> If your children are verbally telling you examples of them being neglected, the SP can document this.
> 
> This is the long game. Your job, you travel often. Can you slide into a non-travel job in a few years?
> 
> As for your current squeeze.... know why you're so receptive to her? She is giving you exactly what
> 
> you wanted.... from your XW. You're eating it up and it is completely normal.
> 
> This happens super often after a D. Enjoy it for what it is.... in the now.
> 
> Maybe after six months... re-assess. For now... enjoy getting what you weren't getting.


You are right she is giving me exactly what I need and actually makes me feel good, happy and motivated, I stopped smoking, eating healthier since she does and workout more since she goes gym often. 

I am booking in for a private therapist just not had time and i want to do it not the XW since she will not be honest in assessment. 

Regarding Job I am not sure I would like to but not sure if the option is there I really need to go back College but just dont have time in my schedule.


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## Chuck71

But do you....as Johnny Carson used to quip, "Smoke after sex?"

If so.... do as the Mormons ..... smoke a ham after sex


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## MovingForward

Well we are officially dating each other, she has brought it up a few times indirectly and made me think she didn't want to so I continued as we were and she finally asked if i was still seeing other people( I wasn't) as she is not and wanted to just focus on me. Feels good to be wanted again so hoping things continue to go well between us.


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## Marc878

MovingForward said:


> Well we are officially dating each other, she has brought it up a few times indirectly and made me think she didn't want to so I continued as we were and she finally asked if i was still seeing other people( I wasn't) as she is not and wanted to just focus on me. Feels good to be wanted again so hoping things continue to go well between us.


50/50 only, make sure she pulls her fair share. Do not go overboard.

Beware of the REBOUND!!!!!!


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## MovingForward

Marc878 said:


> 50/50 only, make sure she pulls her fair share. Do not go overboard.
> 
> Beware of the REBOUND!!!!!!


Yes I have been worried about rebound as similar situation for her also but we just clicked after first time we met. who know how it will go but having fun currently. I did spend a few months alone before and got used to it so sure i could go back no problem.


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## Tobyboy

MovingForward said:


> Well we are officially dating each other, she has brought it up a few times indirectly and made me think she didn't want to so I continued as we were and she finally asked if i was still seeing other people( I wasn't) as she is not and wanted to just focus on me. Feels good to be wanted again so hoping things continue to go well between us.


Just caught up with this thread. MF I'm happy for you dude!


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## Chuck71

Marc878 said:


> 50/50 only, make sure she pulls her fair share. Do not go overboard.
> 
> Beware of the REBOUND!!!!!!


You're getting now what you missed..... intoxicating yes. Watch for red flags, even minis.

Many minis can add up. What's her story? Divorced? Kids? She off the dating site you met at?

Are you? It's early, play it close to the hip. I'm there too. BS meter up. Schit tests will come.

Mine did.... passed with flying colors. Boundaries brother.... pure n simple.


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## MovingForward

Tobyboy said:


> Just caught up with this thread. MF I'm happy for you dude!


Thanks, who knows if it will last but its nice to stop the dating game for a little and concentrate on one person.


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## MovingForward

Chuck71 said:


> You're getting now what you missed..... intoxicating yes. Watch for red flags, even minis.
> 
> Many minis can add up. What's her story? Divorced? Kids? She off the dating site you met at?
> 
> Are you? It's early, play it close to the hip. I'm there too. BS meter up. Schit tests will come.
> 
> Mine did.... passed with flying colors. Boundaries brother.... pure n simple.


No kids and in Divorce process. Yes I have been off the apps for a couple weeks got burnt out and she told me she no longer uses them.

Its a weird story, Not on website I actually met her at a bar, we talked for about 30 minutes or so and i got her number and messaged her up next day, she basically told me she was done with guys and was not interested LOL. Well I text her again a few days later telling her I would like to taker her out still and she agreed so we went out and I thought we got on great, she then went back to semi not interested but I managed to get her out again and again had a great time. I then get a message asking me if i like her or just trying to have sex????? I told her I liked her and we went out again and then planned a weekend together where she opened up a lot more again and then as soon as she asked if we could be exclusive she really opened up a a lot to me, i think she has had a lot of bad experiences so was slow to trust.

No flags yet but i am not worried I have my new routine, I dont need anyone and can mange just fine so feel pretty secure.

I hear rumors POSOM is already cheating on my X so if true her world will fall apart as her entire existence revolves around him so she could finally find herself alone and back on the meat market which is full of surprises, ups and downs so not sure how well she will fare.


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## honcho

MovingForward said:


> I hear rumors POSOM is already cheating on my X so if true her world will fall apart as her entire existence revolves around him so she could finally find herself alone and back on the meat market which is full of surprises, ups and downs so not sure how well she will fare.


I was one of those fools that told my crazy ex her Mr perfect was cheating on her, it was the last time is ever talked to her. She didn't believe me and went on a tirade about how he was such a great man etc etc all while still denying an affair with him to begin with. A couple weeks later he brought home his new gf and tossed out crazy. He never like to be alone I guess. 

She went even deeper into the land of the weird and turned her life into an absolute freakshow. She blew thru several guys quickly in a desperate attempt to find a new Mr perfect. Each one worse than the last.


----------



## MovingForward

honcho said:


> I was one of those fools that told my crazy ex her Mr perfect was cheating on her, it was the last time is ever talked to her. She didn't believe me and went on a tirade about how he was such a great man etc etc all while still denying an affair with him to begin with. A couple weeks later he brought home his new gf and tossed out crazy. He never like to be alone I guess.
> 
> She went even deeper into the land of the weird and turned her life into an absolute freakshow. She blew thru several guys quickly in a desperate attempt to find a new Mr perfect. Each one worse than the last.


This is kind of what i am worried about, I told her when I first found out about them(she still denies cheating) that he had a reputations as a cheat but she told me to mind my own business so I have and will not be mentioning anything to her, my worry is right now the kids are doing OK and despite my thoughts on POSOM the kids do like him and he is nice to them, he has a good Job and money so not spending her settlement and keeps her occupied so she gives me no hassle and I dont have to deal with her at all, I am worried things will end bad and then kids get introduced to more men, some maybe not so nice and one who may get in her ear about things between me and her such as custody schedule/Child support/expenses etc and just cause me hassle again.

I really do hope they stay together to be honest and live happily ever after as my life is good right now without her in it.


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## Chuck71

MovingForward said:


> I hear rumors POSOM is already cheating on my X so if true her world will fall apart as her entire existence revolves around him so she could finally find herself alone and back on the meat market which is full of surprises, ups and downs so not sure how well she will fare.



Hope so..... maybe then she will spend time with her kids. Sad.....

Oh.... then she'll "want you back."

Be very aware of that.

You have someone and she doesn't. 

And........... she wants you because someone else has you.


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## Chuck71

MovingForward said:


> This is kind of what i am worried about, I told her when I first found out about them(she still denies cheating) that he had a reputations as a cheat but she told me to mind my own business so I have and will not be mentioning anything to her, my worry is right now the kids are doing OK and despite my thoughts on POSOM the kids do like him and he is nice to them, he has a good Job and money so not spending her settlement and keeps her occupied so she gives me no hassle and I dont have to deal with her at all, I am worried things will end bad and then kids get introduced to more men, some maybe not so nice and one who may get in her ear about things between me and her such as custody schedule/Child support/expenses etc and just cause me hassle again.
> 
> I really do hope they stay together to be honest and live happily ever after as my life is good right now without her in it.


When he kicks her to the curb..... take a guess whose shoulder she will try to cry on.


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## Marc878

Ha! Yep, " I always loved you"!!!!! I just wanted to try some strange but it was only sex and he didn't mean anything!!!! Even though he came down and met my family and I introduced him to the kids.

You're still my main plan B!!!!

Hahahaha wayward thinking. Boggles the mind.


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## MovingForward

Chuck71 said:


> Hope so..... maybe then she will spend time with her kids. Sad.....
> 
> Oh.... then she'll "want you back."
> 
> Be very aware of that.
> 
> You have someone and she doesn't.
> 
> And........... she wants you because someone else has you.


It wont be mine!!!! that ship has Sailed


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## Rick Blaine

MovingForward said:


> It wont be mine!!!! that ship has Sailed


I fell for it with my ex. I divorced her when she hooked up a guy and wouldn't end the relationship. When it crumbled she came back, we reconciled and remarried. Three years later she was back online trolling and found someone. I divorced again. 

The threat is real. 

Still, I have no regrets as I believe that marriage is a covenant, and I did take her for better or worse. I can say that I gave it my best. But there will be no third chance.


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## Chuck71

Rick..... when you give 110%, everything in your power, then never hang your head down

when you walk away. You left everything on the field. NO apologies.


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## MovingForward

Rick Blaine said:


> I fell for it with my ex. I divorced her when she hooked up a guy and wouldn't end the relationship. When it crumbled she came back, we reconciled and remarried. Three years later she was back online trolling and found someone. I divorced again.
> 
> The threat is real.
> 
> Still, I have no regrets as I believe that marriage is a covenant, and I did take her for better or worse. I can say that I gave it my best. But there will be no third chance.


In my current mindset I have no interest in her at all, she is extremely attractive but I would not even want Sex with her anymore I just dont like her as a person or have any feelings at all for her.


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## MovingForward

So things are still ticking a long with the new girls its nice to have someone around and a regular sex life again and company etc but I am not dependent on her in anyway currently which is comforting, I do like her a lot and enjoy her company but if things didn't work out next week I am pretty sure I would be OK.

Things for my X not going so smooth, it appears the rumors are still circulating about POSOM cheating on her and there are even talks he was spotted on a date with another girl recently, I made 12+ years and never cheated on her a single time and looks like he cannot even make the 4 month Mark. I actually had a text of one of her friends who I have become friendly with over the last few months telling me she saw her the other day and doesn't think things are going well between them and its not all roses like she posts on social media apparently, she then followed up with 'Hey You make your bed you have to lie in it'. She will be crushed as she never had to deal with any of this before or what I had to deal with after the divorce, she was immediately in the arms of another person and has not been alone, she cant have 'grieved' the marriage or made any changes and she has thrown herself into his world and social life leaving behind her old friends and life so this will be a big blow and she will be left with nothing and nobody, I should be happy or feel like Karma is being served but I cant feel happy that this is happening and despite how she treated me I would not wish that feeling on anyone ever including her so hopefully she can figure it out. My Son even told my Mother that he is nice to them but teases her a lot and makes fun of her and makes her mad.

My life so far is good, my house is actually worth $50k+ more than valued when I bought her out, I feel free to do what i want, work is going really well so paychecks have been nice, I have been doing things to house like buying outdoor furniture, putting up new pictures and decorations and little items to make it mine and take away the old house feel. relationship with kids is great although my 8 year old is still having a hard time with the divorce and cries often. 

That's update for the moment so glad its a positive one for LAD and can give some hope for anyone who is going through it currently to show there are ups and downs always but try to embrace the change and leave your old self and life in the past.

Best thing I ever did was cut all non essential contact with X only talk in simple phrases to do with kids schedule, once you remove them from your life and routine you can start to make a new one which you alone choose.

Oh and to add one more thing, I am not tall, Dark or particularly handsome but the girl I am currently seeing is gorgeous and told me the other day 'wow I must have dated nothing but jerks' ' you are the most thoughtful person I have ever met and its not forced or done because your too into me its just natural to you' (all i did was leave a container on the side so she could make some lunch to take to her post-grad lecture) the bar is not very high guys LOL


----------



## GusPolinski

You’ve changed the door locks since she moved out, right?


----------



## MovingForward

GusPolinski said:


> You’ve changed the door locks since she moved out, right?


Yes and she knows as she tried to get in when i was out of town and get more stuff from the house. I told her email what she has and i will box it up.


----------



## GusPolinski

MovingForward said:


> Yes and she knows as she tried to get in when i was out of town and get more stuff from the house. I told her email what she has and i will box it up.


:smthumbup:


----------



## Chuck71

Keep in mind, if her fairy tale with POSOM goes up in smoke,

it is NOT your problem. I completely understand you would love

to see it crash and burn.... but what good would you get from it?

Well.... she would spend more time with the kids then..... But being

serious.... you don't want to see the break-up as much as you want

her to come crawling back, begging you to take her back. Even if the first 

occurs, it does not guarantee the second will. And you are basing your

reaction off of what she does. Trust me..... you will not have to be looking

for it to happen and to see the carnage. Your XW will make sure you see it.

If she is alone... she will start fishing, reaching. Keep in mind though.... when 

she slings snot and tears... saying you've always been the only one............

you were not her choice, you are the "last man standing."

The boys... it will take some time to get used to things. They're nervous and scared.

"Their life" was turned upside down. I was in 4th grade when my uncle picked me 

up from a friend's house. Didn't understand why mom didn't. He took me to mom's

friend's house. There she told me her and pop were getting a D. Yeah... I cried. I was

scared to death.....who will take me to school.....who will pick me up from practice.....

who will teach me how to cook if neither are around..... but that was "my world."

They..... worked things out. But I will never forget that night.

"It's the little things," ..... when I hear that from a female, I know I'm in excellent standing.

You'd be amazed how far little things can go.... pumping their gas (was Southern gentleman

thing but has faded last 30 years) and when cold, warm up car / scrape ice.


----------



## Marc878

MovingForward said:


> So things are still ticking a long with the new girls its nice to have someone around and a regular sex life again and company etc but I am not dependent on her in anyway currently which is comforting, I do like her a lot and enjoy her company but if things didn't work out next week I am pretty sure I would be OK.
> 
> Things for my X not going so smooth, it appears the rumors are still circulating about POSOM cheating on her and there are even talks he was spotted on a date with another girl recently, I made 12+ years and never cheated on her a single time and looks like he cannot even make the 4 month Mark. I actually had a text of one of her friends who I have become friendly with over the last few months telling me she saw her the other day and doesn't think things are going well between them and its not all roses like she posts on social media apparently, she then followed up with 'Hey You make your bed you have to lie in it'. She will be crushed as she never had to deal with any of this before or what I had to deal with after the divorce, she was immediately in the arms of another person and has not been alone, she cant have 'grieved' the marriage or made any changes and she has thrown herself into his world and social life leaving behind her old friends and life so this will be a big blow and she will be left with nothing and nobody, I should be happy or feel like Karma is being served but I cant feel happy that this is happening and despite how she treated me I would not wish that feeling on anyone ever including her so hopefully she can figure it out. My Son even told my Mother that he is nice to them but teases her a lot and makes fun of her and makes her mad.
> 
> My life so far is good, my house is actually worth $50k+ more than valued when I bought her out, I feel free to do what i want, work is going really well so paychecks have been nice, I have been doing things to house like buying outdoor furniture, putting up new pictures and decorations and little items to make it mine and take away the old house feel. relationship with kids is great although my 8 year old is still having a hard time with the divorce and cries often.
> 
> That's update for the moment so glad its a positive one for LAD and can give some hope for anyone who is going through it currently to show there are ups and downs always but try to embrace the change and leave your old self and life in the past.
> *
> Best thing I ever did was cut all non essential contact with X only talk in simple phrases to do with kids schedule, once you remove them from your life and routine you can start to make a new one which you alone choose.*
> 
> Oh and to add one more thing, I am not tall, Dark or particularly handsome but the girl I am currently seeing is gorgeous and told me the other day 'wow I must have dated nothing but jerks' ' you are the most thoughtful person I have ever met and its not forced or done because your too into me its just natural to you' (all i did was leave a container on the side so she could make some lunch to take to her post-grad lecture) the bar is not very high guys LOL


it's just that simple


----------



## Edmund

everything OK, Moving Forward?


----------



## Marc878

Looks like he's found his way out of the abyss. God job!!!!


----------



## MovingForward

Edmund said:


> everything OK, Moving Forward?


Everything is Great and I really mean that. I am going to write an update in a moment been busy,


----------



## MovingForward

Marc878 said:


> it's just that simple


It really is, its hard to do very very hard but once you successfully pull it off quality of life goes up immensely.


----------



## MovingForward

I am sticking on this page with updates.

So life has been good, really good. I have a new routine, life, future plan and just feel good about it all.

My new girlfriend is amazing and I just feel good around her. I have always loved traveling but did not have much chance with my X or our idea of what to do was different, I like gym and working out but my x hated physical stuff, I loved being physically close to someone lots of hugging, kissing, touching, hand holding and cuddling and my X was more into hearing how great she was all the time and often pushed me away if i tried to hug or kiss since she was busy, was not in mood or she assumed i was just after sex, I was often sexually frustrated since frequency varied from once a week to sometimes once a month and sex was always on her terms and when she wanted it, if she got mad or frustrated she would take it out on me and attack me for it so to put this in comparison to my new GF.

She is very well traveled and loves to explore new places and we both seem to have the same places we want to go on our bucket lists.

Sex life has never been this frequent ever, she usually initiates and we have sex daily, sometimes a few times.

She loves working out and going gym, doing physical challenges, new sports or hobbies and is in much much better shape than i am and actually encourages me to do better, eat better and look better in a positive way.

She from day one has been very touchy she is always grabbing my hand, hugging, kissing, cuddling up next to me etc and likes to be close which i love.

She has had a lot of trouble with her X but if she is upset she actually talks with me or just wants me to be around, if she is angry she never directs it at me she talks and calms down.

I do have some concerns though but mostly I think due to divorce and learning to trust again.

I look at new GF and she seems like she is out of my league, she is gorgeous, exotic, extremely intelligent and her past few BF's have been Millionaires which I am not close to being, she is not very materialistic and is extremely frugal but it still makes me wonder how we are together, since we have been dating she has had 2 X's call/text her to try and get back together she is open and tells/shows we everything and tells them she has a BF and is not interested and that they had there chance and it didn't work out etc etc but these are guys who are driving porches and Ferrari's and model good looks and chizzled bodies to go with it, maybe I am over thinking it but I do get insecure and have a little trust issues still which i never had in the past but maybe down to the cheating in my former marriage so something I can work on with IC.

That is my update for the time being


----------



## Marc878

Hey, ready for it?

I TOLD YOU SO !!!!!!!!!

Hahahahahaha!!!!!!!!


----------



## Marc878

Work on that insecurity. It's a real turnoff.

Look at it this way. You my friend have a lot to offer that materially can't be bought. A real good woman can see that. Use that persona to your advantage.


----------



## MovingForward

Marc878 said:


> Hey, ready for it?
> 
> I TOLD YOU SO !!!!!!!!!
> 
> Hahahahahaha!!!!!!!!


Yes you did. When clouded by depression, shock, anger and the range of emotions you feel from an affair, rejection and all the mind ****s that come with it it is a hard process to understand, lucky for me i Found this forum and a lot of people like you @Marc878 who can look from the outside in and make sense of it all and provide support until it passes.

Divorce was the worst and best thing to happen to me, during it was the worst time of my life i have never been lower or in a worse place mentally but once it all settled down, i could see clearer and i was not happy in the marriage and it gave me a chance to try new things and rediscover/reinvent me,


----------



## Marc878

You got it. 

The only one who could ever have held you back was you.

Don't ever forget that no matter what happens.


----------



## Edmund

MovingForward said:


> I am sticking on this page with updates.
> 
> So life has been good, really good. I have a new routine, life, future plan and just feel good about it all.
> 
> My new girlfriend is amazing and I just feel good around her. I have always loved traveling but did not have much chance with my X or our idea of what to do was different, I like gym and working out but my x hated physical stuff, I loved being physically close to someone lots of hugging, kissing, touching, hand holding and cuddling and my X was more into hearing how great she was all the time and often pushed me away if i tried to hug or kiss since she was busy, was not in mood or she assumed i was just after sex, I was often sexually frustrated since frequency varied from once a week to sometimes once a month and sex was always on her terms and when she wanted it, if she got mad or frustrated she would take it out on me and attack me for it so to put this in comparison to my new GF.
> 
> She is very well traveled and loves to explore new places and we both seem to have the same places we want to go on our bucket lists.
> 
> Sex life has never been this frequent ever, she usually initiates and we have sex daily, sometimes a few times.
> 
> She loves working out and going gym, doing physical challenges, new sports or hobbies and is in much much better shape than i am and actually encourages me to do better, eat better and look better in a positive way.
> 
> She from day one has been very touchy she is always grabbing my hand, hugging, kissing, cuddling up next to me etc and likes to be close which i love.
> 
> She has had a lot of trouble with her X but if she is upset she actually talks with me or just wants me to be around, if she is angry she never directs it at me she talks and calms down.
> 
> I do have some concerns though but mostly I think due to divorce and learning to trust again.
> 
> I look at new GF and she seems like she is out of my league, she is gorgeous, exotic, extremely intelligent and her past few BF's have been Millionaires which I am not close to being, she is not very materialistic and is extremely frugal but it still makes me wonder how we are together, since we have been dating she has had 2 X's call/text her to try and get back together she is open and tells/shows we everything and tells them she has a BF and is not interested and that they had there chance and it didn't work out etc etc but these are guys who are driving porches and Ferrari's and model good looks and chizzled bodies to go with it, maybe I am over thinking it but I do get insecure and have a little trust issues still which i never had in the past but maybe down to the cheating in my former marriage so something I can work on with IC.
> 
> That is my update for the time being


Moving Forward,

Thank you for this update. Strangely, I and probably others on here do actually care and hope your life continues to go well, even though we don't know you. In regard to the new girlfriend, I think you should enjoy this while it lasts, but guard your heart. Your comments that she "out of your league", has many past boyfriends who are still chasing, they being richer or flashier than you, make me think she isn't going to be wife material. You are now in your own "fog", like your XW is with the OM. The new GF may just see you as not as shallow as the previous BFs, but then again you may just be the flavor of the month. It is OK, you don't have to be in a new LTR right away. Your "issues" might just be a new intuitive defense system.

One thing you did not update is about your children S8 & D5. It has been about 5 months since this upheaval in their lives. It was heartbreaking to hear when back in May they thought that the OM would become their new father replacing you. This has got to be hard on them. I am wondering how they are coping with the new normal.

God bless you and your kids.


----------



## sokillme

MovingForward said:


> I am sticking on this page with updates.
> 
> So life has been good, really good. I have a new routine, life, future plan and just feel good about it all.
> 
> My new girlfriend is amazing and I just feel good around her. I have always loved traveling but did not have much chance with my X or our idea of what to do was different, I like gym and working out but my x hated physical stuff, I loved being physically close to someone lots of hugging, kissing, touching, hand holding and cuddling and my X was more into hearing how great she was all the time and often pushed me away if i tried to hug or kiss since she was busy, was not in mood or she assumed i was just after sex, I was often sexually frustrated since frequency varied from once a week to sometimes once a month and sex was always on her terms and when she wanted it, if she got mad or frustrated she would take it out on me and attack me for it so to put this in comparison to my new GF.
> 
> She is very well traveled and loves to explore new places and we both seem to have the same places we want to go on our bucket lists.
> 
> Sex life has never been this frequent ever, she usually initiates and we have sex daily, sometimes a few times.
> 
> She loves working out and going gym, doing physical challenges, new sports or hobbies and is in much much better shape than i am and actually encourages me to do better, eat better and look better in a positive way.
> 
> She from day one has been very touchy she is always grabbing my hand, hugging, kissing, cuddling up next to me etc and likes to be close which i love.
> 
> She has had a lot of trouble with her X but if she is upset she actually talks with me or just wants me to be around, if she is angry she never directs it at me she talks and calms down.
> 
> I do have some concerns though but mostly I think due to divorce and learning to trust again.
> 
> I look at new GF and she seems like she is out of my league, she is gorgeous, exotic, extremely intelligent and her past few BF's have been Millionaires which I am not close to being, she is not very materialistic and is extremely frugal but it still makes me wonder how we are together, since we have been dating she has had 2 X's call/text her to try and get back together she is open and tells/shows we everything and tells them she has a BF and is not interested and that they had there chance and it didn't work out etc etc but these are guys who are driving porches and Ferrari's and model good looks and chizzled bodies to go with it, maybe I am over thinking it but I do get insecure and have a little trust issues still which i never had in the past but maybe down to the cheating in my former marriage so something I can work on with IC.
> 
> That is my update for the time being


Character man, work on character. You may never have the money these guys have and some of that is out of your control. Though nothing wrong with trying to make money and striving. Besides that, character is something you have complete control over and will be very attractive to someone else who has it. If she is a good catch she will be smart enough to know how important that is to having a good marriage and good life. Remember this isn't your test it's hers. You are the catch here. Worry about forever when you get to the point where forever makes sense. Right not it is way to early to be thinking that way. She is being evaluated right now. Your happiness shouldn't and isn't dependent on her being with you. Remember that.


----------



## Chuck71

Edmund said:


> Moving Forward,
> 
> Thank you for this update. Strangely, I and probably others on here do actually care and hope your life continues to go well, even though we don't know you. * In regard to the new girlfriend, I think you should enjoy this while it lasts, but guard your heart.* Your comments that she "out of your league", has many past boyfriends who are still chasing, they being richer or flashier than you, make me think she isn't going to be wife material. You are now in your own "fog", like your XW is with the OM. The new GF may just see you as not as shallow as the previous BFs, but then again you may just be the flavor of the month. It is OK, you don't have to be in a new LTR right away. Your "issues" might just be a new intuitive defense system.
> 
> One thing you did not update is about your children S8 & D5. It has been about 5 months since this upheaval in their lives. It was heartbreaking to hear when back in May they thought that the OM would become their new father replacing you. This has got to be hard on them. I am wondering how they are coping with the new normal.
> 
> God bless you and your kids.


EXACTLY! Enjoy what it is now...... but do not get swept up. MF you said if she walked away

tomorrow, you are fine with it. That is how you have to be. As Edmund said.... you may be a flavor of

the month / season. If you are positive with yourself, enjoy it! I was dating a 24 y / o hottie last year....

she pulled her BS, I ended it. Came back pleading.... tried it again. Two weeks later, I called it.

Really bummed me out but.... just the way it goes. What reasons did she give for her D?


----------



## MovingForward

Edmund said:


> Moving Forward,
> 
> Thank you for this update. Strangely, I and probably others on here do actually care and hope your life continues to go well, even though we don't know you. In regard to the new girlfriend, I think you should enjoy this while it lasts, but guard your heart. Your comments that she "out of your league", has many past boyfriends who are still chasing, they being richer or flashier than you, make me think she isn't going to be wife material. You are now in your own "fog", like your XW is with the OM. The new GF may just see you as not as shallow as the previous BFs, but then again you may just be the flavor of the month. It is OK, you don't have to be in a new LTR right away. Your "issues" might just be a new intuitive defense system.
> 
> One thing you did not update is about your children S8 & D5. It has been about 5 months since this upheaval in their lives. It was heartbreaking to hear when back in May they thought that the OM would become their new father replacing you. This has got to be hard on them. I am wondering how they are coping with the new normal.
> 
> God bless you and your kids.


It is a weird situation as she thinks she is more into me than i am into her but I just have a feeling maybe I am different to what she has dated in the past. She is the one that wants to see me everyday and do everything with me I was happy a couple times a week but i do enjoy seeing her more often so no complaints.

Ok to the important stuff the kids............as I was told my 5 year old initially was devastated and that lasted a couple days and she doesn't seem to care at all, never mentions it, never unhappy about it and just gets on with what she wants, my 8 year old initially took it OK but has developed behavior issues, hate towards me, depression, doing bad in school, cries all the time etc. and constantly asks me to get back with his Mom and why I hate her which i have never said. i have him booked into counseling so hope it works. Oh and they both still love the POSOM which is honestly OK with me, at least they have fun and dont dread going his house.


----------



## MovingForward

sokillme said:


> Character man, work on character. You may never have the money these guys have and some of that is out of your control. Though nothing wrong with trying to make money and striving. Besides that, character is something you have complete control over and will be very attractive to someone else who has it. If she is a good catch she will be smart enough to know how important that is to having a good marriage and good life. Remember this isn't your test it's hers. You are the catch here. Worry about forever when you get to the point where forever makes sense. Right not it is way to early to be thinking that way. She is being evaluated right now. Your happiness shouldn't and isn't dependent on her being with you. Remember that.


Actually that is what she said, she used dating APPs prior and told me I was not normally her type and we would not have connected with me online so had I not approached her and she took the time to get to know me nothing would have ever happened, she actually told me a few weeks back she was so happy I kept texting her as she was not initially that interested and then after second date and a few weeks talking she realized I was a genuine person and she started to be really attracted to me.

Regardless of what happens whether it is short term or long term it has helped.


----------



## MovingForward

Chuck71 said:


> EXACTLY! Enjoy what it is now...... but do not get swept up. MF you said if she walked away
> 
> tomorrow, you are fine with it. That is how you have to be. As Edmund said.... you may be a flavor of
> 
> the month / season. If you are positive with yourself, enjoy it! I was dating a 24 y / o hottie last year....
> 
> she pulled her BS, I ended it. Came back pleading.... tried it again. Two weeks later, I called it.
> 
> Really bummed me out but.... just the way it goes. What reasons did she give for her D?


I am enjoying it and I feel good and lucky Zero BS at all like none she is brutally honest about everything never minces her words just straight forward and relaxed.


----------



## Marc878

The thing you have learned is that no matter what happens or face you'll be fine.

Keep a hard 180 with the X.


----------



## Edmund

MovingForward said:


> Ok to the important stuff the kids............as I was told my 5 year old initially was devastated and that lasted a couple days and she doesn't seem to care at all, never mentions it, never unhappy about it and just gets on with what she wants, *my 8 year old initially took it OK but has developed *behavior issues, *hate towards me,* depression, doing bad in school, cries all the time etc. *and constantly asks me* to get back with his Mom and *why I hate her *which i have never said. i have him booked into counseling so hope it works. Oh and *they both still love the POSOM *which is honestly OK with me, at least they have fun and dont dread going his house.


OK MF, I will leave you alone after this, but very troubling because it sounds like your son BLAMES YOU for the divorce, when it was your XW and the "POSOM" who caused it; you did not even want the divorce at first. Your son doesn't blame them? They must be telling him some BS that paints you as the bad guy. Can you explain to him that it was POSOM that caused the divorce and not you? (Obviously, you can not tell him that his mom is as much or more to blame). I hope you can figure this out. I swear I do not understand people hurting their elementary school age children for the sake of a stupid affair. How selfish and disloyal! I wish I had some good advice to give you.


----------



## arbitrator

MovingForward said:


> Yes you did. When clouded by depression, shock, anger and the range of emotions you feel from an affair, rejection and all the mind ****s that come with it it is a hard process to understand, lucky for me i Found this forum and a lot of people like you @Marc878 who can look from the outside in and make sense of it all and provide support until it passes.
> 
> Divorce was the worst and best thing to happen to me, during it was the worst time of my life i have never been lower or in a worse place mentally but once it all settled down, i could see clearer and i was not happy in the marriage and it gave me a chance to try new things and rediscover/reinvent me,


*Well articulated, kind Sir!

Please rest assured that God has a special place in His heart for both you as well as all of cheatings needless victims, be they the betrayed spouses, children, or even the extended families of marital infidelity!

In time, the betrayers shall truly reap their reward!*


----------



## MovingForward

Edmund said:


> OK MF, I will leave you alone after this, but very troubling because it sounds like your son BLAMES YOU for the divorce, when it was your XW and the "POSOM" who caused it; you did not even want the divorce at first. Your son doesn't blame them? They must be telling him some BS that paints you as the bad guy. Can you explain to him that it was POSOM that caused the divorce and not you? (Obviously, you can not tell him that his mom is as much or more to blame). I hope you can figure this out. I swear I do not understand people hurting their elementary school age children for the sake of a stupid affair. How selfish and disloyal! I wish I had some good advice to give you.


Yes I believe he blames me and I believe she has told them both bad things about me which they have repeated, this is a long game though I cannot control her at all and everything i have read and been told points towards the parent who tries to alienate the other parent always ends up destroying there own relationship with the children once they become older and figure it out, I do not wish that at all I want the children to be able to have a great relationship with us both but she will do what she wants so its on her, my Son already broke down to her about being worried about picking sides so he feels pressure from her obviously, I dont show any anger towards her, never say anything bad or negative, encourage them to call her and if they are ever said or miss her i give them my phone to call so they always know they can talk to me about her without feeling guilty about it. My son even said something rude to my GF abot her nationality which he obviously heard from my X and POSOM. Just to clarify kids do not know it is a GF my X told them she was. 
@Edmund FYI - its no bother at all, i enjoy engaging people on here it helps me and hopefully it helps others since it seems most of these situations all work out with the same basic principals.


----------



## MovingForward

arbitrator said:


> *Well articulated, kind Sir!
> 
> Please rest assured that God has a special place in His heart for both you as well as all of cheatings needless victims, be they the betrayed spouses, children, or even the extended families of marital infidelity!
> 
> In time, the betrayers shall truly reap their reward!*


I believe everything happens for a reason and for all the bad things i have experienced the aftermath has always resulted in long term improvement.


----------



## Chuck71

MovingForward;1855565 Just to clarify kids do not know it is a GF my X told them she was.[/QUOTE said:


> If you helped an elderly lady to her car with groceries..... she is your g/f
> If you help a lady boost her car off......she is your g/f
> If you open the door for a lady......she is your g/f
> ....in your XWs eyes. Funny she couldn't wait to get away from you and here she is
> 
> keeping very close tabs on you. Hmm....
> 
> The word(s) your son said to your g/f.... coached to say that. To teach that says a lot about their
> 
> character. The only difference between your XW and POSOM and my POS relatives is....
> 
> one has a prettier address than the other.


----------



## MovingForward

Chuck71 said:


> If you helped an elderly lady to her car with groceries..... she is your g/f
> If you help a lady boost her car off......she is your g/f
> If you open the door for a lady......she is your g/f
> ....in your XWs eyes. Funny she couldn't wait to get away from you and here she is
> 
> keeping very close tabs on you. Hmm....
> 
> The word(s) your son said to your g/f.... coached to say that. To teach that says a lot about their
> 
> character. The only difference between your XW and POSOM and my POS relatives is....
> 
> one has a prettier address than the other.


Yes I knew if had been coached. 

I saw my X yesterday and I still cant believe how bad she looks, gained loads of weight and just looks rough.


----------



## Elizabeth001

MovingForward said:


> Yes I knew if had been coached.
> 
> 
> 
> I saw my X yesterday and I still cant believe how bad she looks, gained loads of weight and just looks rough.




Oooooh!! Mine too!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Edmund

MovingForward said:


> I saw my X yesterday and I still cant believe how bad she looks, *gained loads of weight *and just looks rough.


Pregnant? If so, happened before the D.

MF, you have a lot more patience than I would for having your children deliberately mis-informed. I would be livid.


----------



## FeministInPink

MovingForward said:


> Yes I knew if had been coached.
> 
> I saw my X yesterday and I still cant believe how bad she looks, gained loads of weight and just looks rough.


My XH gained weight after we split, and he doesn't look good either! I think he was drinking and partying a lot, which doesn't surprise me.

She may have some subconscious guilt and is manifesting itself in poor self-care. 

OR as you've detached, you're beginning to see her as she really is. (I think this may be the case with me, too.)

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## Edmund

FeministInPink said:


> My XH gained weight after we split, and he doesn't look good either! I think he was drinking and partying a lot, which doesn't surprise me.
> 
> She may have some subconscious guilt and is manifesting itself in poor self-care.
> 
> OR as you've detached, you're beginning to see her as she really is. (I think this may be the case with me, too.)
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


FIP,
Just 5 weeks ago MF said and I quote:

"In my current mindset I have no interest in her at all, *she is extremely attractive* but I would not even want Sex with her anymore *I just dont *like her as a person or *have any feelings at all for her.*"

I tell you if I was him I would have feelings... feelings of extreme anger and hatred, not just because she cheated, lied and betrayed him, but she is now trying to turn his young children against him so she can get custody of them all the time. This is unforgivable; I don't see how he can stand it.


----------



## Marc878

MovingForward said:


> Yes I knew if had been coached.
> 
> I saw my X yesterday and I still cant believe how bad she looks, gained loads of weight and just looks rough.


Poor muffin. You think she looks bad now wait til posom dumps her ass.

It's coming.


----------



## FeministInPink

Edmund said:


> FIP,
> Just 5 weeks ago MF said and I quote:
> 
> "In my current mindset I have no interest in her at all, *she is extremely attractive* but I would not even want Sex with her anymore *I just dont *like her as a person or *have any feelings at all for her.*"
> 
> I tell you if I was him I would have feelings... feelings of extreme anger and hatred, not just because she cheated, lied and betrayed him, but she is now trying to turn his young children against him so she can get custody of them all the time. This is unforgivable; I don't see how he can stand it.


I'm sure he's still working through this, so his feelings are going to fluctuate. We only see what he posts here, not what he experiences every moment of every day.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## MovingForward

FeministInPink said:


> I'm sure he's still working through this, so his feelings are going to fluctuate. We only see what he posts here, not what he experiences every moment of every day.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


I do on a weekly basis have feelings of anger and hate towards her but only for financial reasons or to do with Children, I dont have any of my old feelings ever I dont want anything to do with her, dont care about her at all, miss her or even like her at all in fact if we did not have children I would easily be able to never see, think or speak to her again.


----------



## MovingForward

Edmund said:


> Pregnant? If so, happened before the D.
> 
> MF, you have a lot more patience than I would for having your children deliberately mis-informed. I would be livid.


No just fat, she eats out a lot more, she clearly doesn't work out anymore etc


----------



## Chuck71

MovingForward said:


> No just fat, she eats out a lot more, she clearly doesn't work out anymore etc


wedding bells she sees......


----------



## MovingForward

So update and realized some mistakes I have made and keep making so for writing reference for me and others who are in same situation.

Things still going excellent with my girlfriend I did not realize how much work I had to do to make my XW happy, this is all effortless with my girlfriend and since we both are physically touch type it is easy to feel good around her, love language for sure makes a difference in quality of a relationship I think at least. 

I am updating house still and removing all her old decor and replacing with my own, I have also booked a contractor to come and make the updates to the backyard i have wanted to do for years and never 'been allowed' this is huge and feels amazing to do, also upgrading speakers outside and adding a TV and adding speakers throughout the house. The house feels like mine, doesn't feel at all like it is missing anything or have any bad memories or memories of her at all which feels so good. 

OK as for mistakes.

Still allowing x to get in my head and ruin my day/mood. she will text me or email me something about kids that requires action and she will word it 50% fine and the other 50% she will nag, moan or talk down to me and it results in a huge fight since I fire back and we end up arguing for a couple hours both trying to get last word in. I know logically this is stupid and non one wins anything, best thing for me to do would ignore and keep to the facts and achieve what needs doing but I get myself too mad and need to figure out a way to let it go, it may because she talks to me like dirt and thinks she is so perfect and has done no wrong and I am the issue and that grinds on me so i need to get it out my head and not care about her opinion at all and live my life.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

MovingForward said:


> So update and realized some mistakes I have made and keep making so for writing reference for me and others who are in same situation.
> 
> Things still going excellent with my girlfriend I did not realize how much work I had to do to make my XW happy, this is all effortless with my girlfriend and since we both are physically touch type it is easy to feel good around her, love language for sure makes a difference in quality of a relationship I think at least.
> 
> I am updating house still and removing all her old decor and replacing with my own, I have also booked a contractor to come and make the updates to the backyard i have wanted to do for years and never 'been allowed' this is huge and feels amazing to do, also upgrading speakers outside and adding a TV and adding speakers throughout the house. The house feels like mine, doesn't feel at all like it is missing anything or have any bad memories or memories of her at all which feels so good.
> 
> OK as for mistakes.
> 
> Still allowing x to get in my head and ruin my day/mood. she will text me or email me something about kids that requires action and she will word it 50% fine and the other 50% she will nag, moan or talk down to me and it results in a huge fight since I fire back and we end up arguing for a couple hours both trying to get last word in. I know logically this is stupid and non one wins anything, best thing for me to do would ignore and keep to the facts and achieve what needs doing but I get myself too mad and need to figure out a way to let it go, it may because she talks to me like dirt and thinks she is so perfect and has done no wrong and I am the issue and that grinds on me so i need to get it out my head and not care about her opinion at all and live my life.


You can learn to ratchet it down by not letting her bait you or ratchet it up by falling for her bait trap. 

Perhaps next time she baits send her pics of remodeled house and new GF enjoying it....Then say THANK YOU!


----------



## MovingForward

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> You can learn to ratchet it down by not letting her bait you or ratchet it up by falling for her bait trap.
> 
> Perhaps next time she baits send her pics of remodeled house and new GF enjoying it....Then say THANK YOU!


I am not sure if she 'baits' me exactly she is just very *****y and its just her nature and I tolerated it when married but these days it just makes me mad, Its still my issue but I think it is frustration on my side. 

Basically she stays out my way all is fine but the moment she talks to me like crap i flip as I think to myself, you cheated, lied, used and abused and got away with it and all the cash and I still pay you and maintain your lifestyle and you have the nerve to act like your better than me and you are the perfect reasonable one and i am the A-hole??!!!!! its just frustration that's all, I really hate paying Alimony as she doesn't need or deserve it and I really hate paying so much CS due to the fact I pay enough to cover all her costs for kids and I still have to pay for them on my 50% of the time and still she asks for more money and i already pay 50% of everything else plus all the medical.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Work on unlearning your Pavlovian reflex to engage her on her terms. You learned to think it was normal, now you have to unlearn it. 

You are very angry and that is perfectly normal. Consider this, the best revenge is completely ignoring her and living happy. It will drive her batty. Good! 

Don't pay a penny more than you owe. Simply ignore any discussion when she asks for more. Next alimony payment have a wheel barrel sent full of pennies for the exact amount with a note she saying could start losing all that new fat by walking it over to the bank and that her nastiness is rather tiresome but 2 can play that game.

CS does not last forever. Enjoy what you have now. They grow up fast.


----------



## Chuck71

MovingForward said:


> So update and realized some mistakes I have made and keep making so for writing reference for me and others who are in same situation.
> 
> Things still going excellent with my girlfriend I did not realize how much work I had to do to make my XW happy, this is all effortless with my girlfriend and since we both are physically touch type it is easy to feel good around her, love language for sure makes a difference in quality of a relationship I think at least.
> 
> I am updating house still and removing all her old decor and replacing with my own, I have also booked a contractor to come and make the updates to the backyard i have wanted to do for years and never 'been allowed' this is huge and feels amazing to do, also upgrading speakers outside and adding a TV and adding speakers throughout the house. The house feels like mine, doesn't feel at all like it is missing anything or have any bad memories or memories of her at all which feels so good.
> 
> OK as for mistakes.
> 
> Still allowing x to get in my head and ruin my day/mood. she will text me or email me something about kids that requires action and she will word it 50% fine and the other 50% she will nag, moan or talk down to me and it results in a huge fight since I fire back and we end up arguing for a couple hours both trying to get last word in. I know logically this is stupid and non one wins anything, best thing for me to do would ignore and keep to the facts and achieve what needs doing but I get myself too mad and need to figure out a way to let it go, it may because she talks to me like dirt and thinks she is so perfect and has done no wrong and I am the issue and that grinds on me so i need to get it out my head and not care about her opinion at all and live my life.


You are still her anger dump depository....... IF you allow it.

Ignore the nags...... learn to stand still. Almost every bitter XW / WW tries this.

Now you can..... have fun with her, if you like. 

Check out @collin8550 thread...... very similar.


----------



## Chuck71

MovingForward said:


> I am not sure if she 'baits' me exactly she is just very *****y and its just her nature and I tolerated it when married but these days it just makes me mad, Its still my issue but I think it is frustration on my side.
> 
> *You trained her how to treat you. Let's make that just a one time mistake in mating*
> 
> Basically she stays out my way all is fine but the moment she talks to me like crap i flip as I think to myself, you cheated, lied, used and abused and got away with it and all the cash and I still pay you and maintain your lifestyle and you have the nerve to act like your better than me and you are the perfect reasonable one and i am the A-hole??!!!!! its just frustration that's all, I really hate paying Alimony as she doesn't need or deserve it and I really hate paying so much CS due to the fact I pay enough to cover all her costs for kids and I still have to pay for them on my 50% of the time and still she asks for more money and i already pay 50% of everything else plus all the medical.


*She has not divorced you financially. Just on paper. She likes it this way. Think of a 15 y/o teenager getting full run of the house for a summer. Parents cover all the bills...while vacationing in Buenos Aires.*


----------



## MovingForward

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Work on unlearning your Pavlovian reflex to engage her on her terms. You learned to think it was normal, now you have to unlearn it.
> 
> You are very angry and that is perfectly normal. Consider this, the best revenge is completely ignoring her and living happy. It will drive her batty. Good!
> 
> Don't pay a penny more than you owe. Simply ignore any discussion when she asks for more. Next alimony payment have a wheel barrel sent full of pennies for the exact amount with a note she saying could start losing all that new fat by walking it over to the bank and that her nastiness is rather tiresome but 2 can play that game.
> 
> CS does not last forever. Enjoy what you have now. They grow up fast.


I agree, I am not really even after revenge I just want rid of her annoyances and have her out my life for good as she is just toxic and I am so happy when I dont hear from her or see her.


----------



## MovingForward

Chuck71 said:


> *She has not divorced you financially. Just on paper. She likes it this way. Think of a 15 y/o teenager getting full run of the house for a summer. Parents cover all the bills...while vacationing in Buenos Aires.*


Yes exactly this, I wish I could never see or speak to her ever again.


----------



## Chuck71

Two kids............impossible.......and she KNOWS that. She can manipulate you..... via the kids.

Oldest trick in the book, even older than prostitution. Next time she spews off hatred.....

which IS why you get so many texts.... Yknow -Little Chuck has tummy ache and made an 82 on a 

spelling test followed by you are so cheap, you won't spend $ on your kids, you never cared for them,

you never loved me, everything was about you- Schit like that LOL ....

Reply with A-"I'm sorry you feel that way." If she continues B-"I see things otherwise." If she is on a roll...

C-"Done yet?" Or...... if you're in "the mood" try some I did with my XW......

I'm constipated, care to help?
I've pooped four times, how about you?
I'm a very special person...my bank says so.
Have you ever been to the South Sandwich Islands?
I'll get back with you.....I'm playing Iron Maiden LPs backwards.....they appear to call for alien invasions.

See.... make HER own HER own anger. They HATE HATE HATE that.... but that makes them

own their own POS tendencies. 

If she has a bad day....dumps on you.
If POSOM pizzes her off.....dumps on you.
If he is scouting other women.......dumps on you.
If she has a period with white pants on......dumps on you.
See the pattern?

TAKE that AWAY

It seems hard at first...... Five years ago, I was where you were. It bothered me at first, to make her

own her own POS tendencies. Then....as her true colors emerged, it became absolute fun.

Year after year, reach after reach...... it has been a LONG time since I hated her. I honest to God,

pity her. Me..... like most people are not sociopaths.....until they cut us/me. Then it is ice cold.

Example..... I will post this on my thread soon but I will show, how they devolve over time.

This is what she sent me, this week.......

"Hey. I know it's stupid to ask. But. I've been out of work. I've got shingles really bad and some knots on my neck dr is concerned about. I am asking if you have some money I can borrow til end of November. I need to pay some on my rent. If not that's ok. Thanks."

*crickets*

We had a parent / child dynamic and hell...she was seven years older than I. That dynamic stopped.....

very soon after DDay. MF.... you'll get there..... I promise.


----------



## Marc878

You do realize anytime you get in a text war you are giving her complete control over you. 

As long as you continue this you?ll never be free and it will affect your life and other relationships

You?d better wake up!!!!


----------



## MovingForward

Chuck71 said:


> Two kids............impossible.......and she KNOWS that. She can manipulate you..... via the kids.
> 
> Oldest trick in the book, even older than prostitution. Next time she spews off hatred.....
> 
> which IS why you get so many texts.... Yknow -Little Chuck has tummy ache and made an 82 on a
> 
> spelling test followed by you are so cheap, you won't spend $ on your kids, you never cared for them,
> 
> you never loved me, everything was about you- Schit like that LOL ....
> 
> Reply with A-"I'm sorry you feel that way." If she continues B-"I see things otherwise." If she is on a roll...
> 
> C-"Done yet?" Or...... if you're in "the mood" try some I did with my XW......
> 
> I'm constipated, care to help?
> I've pooped four times, how about you?
> I'm a very special person...my bank says so.
> Have you ever been to the South Sandwich Islands?
> I'll get back with you.....I'm playing Iron Maiden LPs backwards.....they appear to call for alien invasions.
> 
> See.... make HER own HER own anger. They HATE HATE HATE that.... but that makes them
> 
> own their own POS tendencies.
> 
> If she has a bad day....dumps on you.
> If POSOM pizzes her off.....dumps on you.
> If he is scouting other women.......dumps on you.
> If she has a period with white pants on......dumps on you.
> See the pattern?
> 
> TAKE that AWAY
> 
> It seems hard at first...... Five years ago, I was where you were. It bothered me at first, to make her
> 
> own her own POS tendencies. Then....as her true colors emerged, it became absolute fun.
> 
> Year after year, reach after reach...... it has been a LONG time since I hated her. I honest to God,
> 
> pity her. Me..... like most people are not sociopaths.....until they cut us/me. Then it is ice cold.
> 
> Example..... I will post this on my thread soon but I will show, how they devolve over time.
> 
> This is what she sent me, this week.......
> 
> "Hey. I know it's stupid to ask. But. I've been out of work. I've got shingles really bad and some knots on my neck dr is concerned about. I am asking if you have some money I can borrow til end of November. I need to pay some on my rent. If not that's ok. Thanks."
> 
> *crickets*
> 
> We had a parent / child dynamic and hell...she was seven years older than I. That dynamic stopped.....
> 
> very soon after DDay. MF.... you'll get there..... I promise.


Yes she does dump on me everytime she has an issue. I will no longer be communicating at all with her going total Zero Engagement. 

We have children 50/50 but she handles it on her time and I handle it on mine and if she does something i dont like oh well and if I do something she doesn't like tough **** she can just deal with it and unload on POSOM. We literally cant communicate at all so its not going to be ideal for the children but I see no other way they are just going to have to miss out on certain things for the sake of my future sanity as dealing with her drives me insane.


----------



## Chuck71

MovingForward said:


> Yes she does dump on me everytime she has an issue. I will no longer be communicating at all with her going total Zero Engagement.
> 
> We have children 50/50 but she handles it on her time and I handle it on mine and if she does something i dont like oh well and if I do something she doesn't like tough **** she can just deal with it and unload on POSOM. We literally cant communicate at all so its not going to be ideal for the children but I see no other way they are just going to have to miss out on certain things for the sake of my future sanity as dealing with her drives me insane.


----------



## Marc878

MovingForward said:


> Yes she does dump on me everytime she has an issue. I will no longer be communicating at all with her going total Zero Engagement.
> 
> We have children 50/50 but she handles it on her time and I handle it on mine and if she does something i dont like oh well and if I do something she doesn't like tough **** she can just deal with it and unload on POSOM. We literally cant communicate at all so its not going to be ideal for the children but I see no other way they are just going to have to miss out on certain things for the sake of my future sanity as dealing with her drives me insane.


You should have already done this. Quit being a damn fool for punishment.

You know better. You must rid your self of the final vestiges of "Mr Nice Guy".

Any interaction with her is detrimental to you but for some reason you can't stop. Why?


----------



## MovingForward

Marc878 said:


> You should have already done this. Quit being a damn fool for punishment.
> 
> You know better. You must rid your self of the final vestiges of "Mr Nice Guy".
> 
> Any interaction with her is detrimental to you but for some reason you can't stop. Why?


Zero engagement including the kids I mean. I cannot communicate with her on anything so best consider myself a single parent with an occasional babysitter.

She is game playing constant, refusing to top up kids lunch money anymore after I found out she was paying half the agreed amount, refusing to pay back any out of pocket expenses we had pre-agreed to split, attacking my parenting skills daily via text, threatening court for not parenting how she wants them parented.

Also due to her vacations and work trips we ended up swapping weekends and she was supposed to cover one of mine where i was away but she just messaged this morning she is no longer doing it.


----------



## Chuck71

MovingForward said:


> Zero engagement including the kids I mean. I cannot communicate with her on anything so best consider myself a single parent with an occasional babysitter.
> 
> She is game playing constant, refusing to top up kids lunch money anymore after I found out she was paying half the agreed amount, refusing to pay back any out of pocket expenses we had pre-agreed to split, attacking my parenting skills daily via text, threatening court for not parenting how she wants them parented.
> 
> Also due to her vacations and work trips we ended up swapping weekends and she was supposed to cover one of mine where i was away but she just messaged this morning she is no longer doing it.


This should not surprise you in any way.....


----------



## Marc878

MF this is who she is and always was. No surprise there. Keep good documentation if you keep them more than 50% and file for reduced childcare. If the expenses are mandated it might pay you to take her before a court. 

As for her not liking the way you parent she can't do a damn thing about it.

Ignore her texts on the subject. When you give them silence it's the best thing. You can't win a text war.

Her role of unicorns and rainbows probably didn't pan out like she expected so she's Just trying to take it out on you. The best thing for you is a big cold shoulder.

How fat is she getting?


----------



## Chuck71

MF...... she has always been this way.... she just hid it better then. If you are spending more than you agreed to

and she is spending less....... Next time she threatens to take you to court...reply

"Go ahead, I dare you"

Then go black hole dark. Even have a friend / relative intercede as the recipient of "emergency calls"

about the kids. The time of Fing around is about over.... How much longer did you say she gets vaginamony?

Not CS.... vaginamony....


----------



## FeministInPink

Marc878 said:


> MF this is who she is and always was. No surprise there. Keep good documentation if you keep them more than 50% and file for reduced childcare. If the expenses are mandated it might pay you to take her before a court.
> 
> As for her not liking the way you parent she can't do a damn thing about it.
> 
> Ignore her texts on the subject. When you give them silence it's the best thing. You can't win a text war.
> 
> Her role of unicorns and rainbows probably didn't pan out like she expected so she's Just trying to take it out on you. The best thing for you is a big cold shoulder.
> 
> How fat is she getting?


ALL OF THIS.

Document EVERY SINGLE TIME you have to pay extra because she isn't paying her fair share. You'll need it if you have to take her back to court.

Keep in mind, these are your kids, they are not pawns... if she's nickel and dime-ing you, will it be worth the extra expense to take her to court? You may need to be the bigger person here, if it's a small amount, and pray to god she marries the POSOM soon so you can stop the alimony.


----------



## Chuck71

FeministInPink said:


> ALL OF THIS.
> 
> Document EVERY SINGLE TIME you have to pay extra because she isn't paying her fair share. You'll need it if you have to take her back to court.
> 
> Keep in mind, these are your kids, they are not pawns... if she's nickel and dime-ing you, will it be worth the extra expense to take her to court? You may need to be the bigger person here, if it's a small amount, and *pray to god she marries the POSOM soon so you can stop the alimony*.


You're schitting me right LOL

If she marries his sorry arse I will sing Ethel Merman greatest hits just outside Pennsylvania Ave.....

in my underwear, with a pink toboggan, and a hot pink Ramones t-shirt


----------



## Marc878

Chuck71 said:


> You're schitting me right LOL
> 
> If she marries his sorry arse I will sing Ethel Merman greatest hits just outside Pennsylvania Ave.....
> 
> in my underwear, with a pink toboggan, and a hot pink Ramones t-shirt


Gawd I hope he marries her cause I'm taking pics!!!!


----------



## Chuck71

Marc878 said:


> Gawd I hope he marries her cause I'm taking pics!!!!


My left side is my glamour side 8>)


----------



## MovingForward

Chuck71 said:


> MF...... she has always been this way.... she just hid it better then. If you are spending more than you agreed to
> 
> and she is spending less....... Next time she threatens to take you to court...reply
> 
> "Go ahead, I dare you"
> 
> Then go black hole dark. Even have a friend / relative intercede as the recipient of "emergency calls"
> 
> about the kids. The time of Fing around is about over.... How much longer did you say she gets vaginamony?
> 
> Not CS.... vaginamony....


Another 32 months of Alimony.


----------



## MovingForward

Marc878 said:


> MF this is who she is and always was. No surprise there. Keep good documentation if you keep them more than 50% and file for reduced childcare. If the expenses are mandated it might pay you to take her before a court.
> 
> As for her not liking the way you parent she can't do a damn thing about it.
> 
> Ignore her texts on the subject. When you give them silence it's the best thing. You can't win a text war.
> 
> Her role of unicorns and rainbows probably didn't pan out like she expected so she's Just trying to take it out on you. The best thing for you is a big cold shoulder.
> 
> How fat is she getting?


I am ignoring them all and it infuriates her more and i get more and more nagging but you are right cant win a text war.


----------



## MovingForward

FeministInPink said:


> ALL OF THIS.
> 
> Document EVERY SINGLE TIME you have to pay extra because she isn't paying her fair share. You'll need it if you have to take her back to court.
> 
> Keep in mind, these are your kids, they are not pawns... if she's nickel and dime-ing you, will it be worth the extra expense to take her to court? You may need to be the bigger person here, if it's a small amount, and pray to god she marries the POSOM soon so you can stop the alimony.


I am going to be keeping a record book for all interactions and expenses, i tried a new tactic and threw the ball back in her court so she agreed to pay but still not seen the cash.

I said 'are you still planning to pay the money we mutually agreed to split here or are you no longer prepared to contribute for this? she replied I will pay but that was last of it and i have seen no cash.

I do not know how well things are going with POSOM I blocked all her friends and associates on Social media and we do not hang around in the same groups anymore but i do know she is desperately trying to buy a house so who knows.


----------



## Chuck71

MovingForward said:


> I am going to be keeping a record book for all interactions and expenses, i tried a new tactic and threw the ball back in her court so she agreed to pay but still not seen the cash.
> 
> *I said 'are you still planning to pay the money we mutually agreed to split here or are you no longer prepared to contribute for this?* she replied I will pay but that was last of it and i have seen no cash.
> 
> I do not know how well things are going with POSOM I blocked all her friends and associates on Social media and we do not hang around in the same groups anymore but i do know she is desperately trying to buy a house so who knows.


Only offer the one choice you desire. Never give them the "out option." 

You were her problem solver for many years.... let her happy ass do this now.... or POSOM, or WETF.

You show her by example of how you wish for her to treat you. When she does not comply ..... *crickets*


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Keep detailed records of every penny she promised to pay that she did not. Include screenshots, emails receipts, etc At the end of the alimony period subtract that amount from final alimony payment She cries foul tell her take it the judge, that she is in violation of the judge's order. 

By not splitting expenses as she has agreed she is unilaterally increasing your child support expenses. Only a judge can do that.


----------



## Affaircare

@MovingForward, 

My exH was a "piece of work" just like your ex is. I'll just leave it at that. 

Like your ex, he agreed in court to split the children's expenses 50/50--the court had to order him to pay child support and back child support AND had to garnish him before he'd actually relinquish any money. For things like $5 for this field trip and $10 for that bookmobile...no dice. He never contributed and accused me of trying to "nickle and dime" him. 

So I'll throw out to you what I threw out to him as a proposal. To him, he hated getting the constant drip-drip-drip that is kid expenses, and honestly I get that. You never know how much you'll be asked to pay! As a mom, I just accepted that's the way it was with school-aged children, but it drove him nuts. So I put together a little spreadsheet, and found out that if he paid for the registration fees and equipment for the kids' sports...and I paid all the drip-drip-drips that it was about even. I proposed to him that we split it that way, and he agreed. The kids were in football and baseball... so he could plan when the registrations were coming up, when he had to buy equipment and uniforms, when he'd have to pay for a tournament, etc. (He still didn't come to practices or games, but that's another story!) Meanwhile, I kept records of each little expense I paid, and I did it like a two column worksheet with "his balance" and "my balance" so he could see, month by month, that it did turn out fairly close to the same. 

This was a little unconventional but it worked for us because it eliminated the need to keep going and asking for $$ for a field trip by Tuesday, etc. If I got the slip to register for one of the sports, I just filled out the form and sent it with the kids to his house. We also did not do great talking with each other, and he tended to want to control (surprise! surprise!) so we gave each kid a Parent Notebook in their backpack. The Parent Notebook had a folder, a calendar, and some paper, and we put papers/slips into the folder part...wrote doctor appointments or school events or sport practices on the calendar...and if we HAD to communicate we wrote to each other on the paper. That way each kid only had to keep track of their one Parent Notebook, and everything was documented. NO MORE accusing "you didn't tell me about XX event or doctor appointment" or "I didn't agree to ___" because it was all right there in the notebook documented. Any communication was on the paper and written, and thus it could be evidence in a court of law who did what and spoke like what. As parents our job was just to open the Parenting Notebook and use it--that's it!


----------



## MovingForward

So Friday another bust up. I was 10 minutes 'Late' according to her, I was actually on time according to Parenting plan just 10 minutes later than usual as got stuck at work. She flipped in person and via text, threatened court etc etc, not ever going to help me again etc etc I am a selfish piece of ****, my time and Job do not come first, I am taking advantage of her etc etc it was a full melt down that you would see from a child.

I apologized and then continued to receive a lot of abuse via text but remained calm and simply replied 'You must be so unhappy with your life to constantly have to attack me???? that ended the abuse thanks god.

I keep getting told it gets easier as time goes on but she doesn't seem to be slowing down on hating me and everything I do despite the fact she wanted the divorce, cheated and got the exact settlement she wanted and I am completely out of her life, dont talk, communicate or bother her in the slightest, she still likes to come at me for something whenever things dont go her way. 

It is weird, if anyone should be angry it should be me, I was cheated on, lied to, taken for Alimony, Child support, half my stuff, my 410k etc, I was the one left in shock at what was happening, alone with no family and a fast disappearing friend network due to being a lot of mutual friends, I was the one the kids hated and blamed and had to keep my mouth shut, I got past it all, made a new group of friends and strengthened existing, started having fun, became used to living alone and found a new girlfriend who is the polar opposite to my XW in all the right ways and I am happy and do not bother her at all ever, I do not even speak to the kids on her time since I do not ever want to call her and they never call me when with her. I do not care anymore about her affair or any of it, all I would like is some mutual respect and i would ne perfectly fine communicating with her and being allies as far as the Children are involved but for some strange reason she does not want that despite the fact it would make her life easier as well. i do not understand the mentality of some people.


----------



## Marc878

MovingForward said:


> So Friday another bust up. I was 10 minutes 'Late' according to her, I was actually on time according to Parenting plan just 10 minutes later than usual as got stuck at work. She flipped in person and via text, threatened court etc etc, not ever going to help me again etc etc I am a selfish piece of ****, my time and Job do not come first, I am taking advantage of her etc etc it was a full melt down that you would see from a child.
> 
> *I apologized and then continued to receive a lot of abuse via text* but remained calm and simply replied 'You must be so unhappy with your life to constantly have to attack me???? that ended the abuse thanks god.
> .


You really need to stop this. You did nothing wrong. It just sets you up for more abuse.

Why?


----------



## Edmund

MovingForward said:


> It is weird, if anyone should be angry it should be me, I was cheated on, lied to, taken for Alimony, Child support, half my stuff, my 410k etc, I was the one left in shock at what was happening, alone with no family and a fast disappearing friend network due to being a lot of mutual friends, *I was the one the kids hated and blamed* and had to keep my mouth shut, I got past it all, made a new group of friends and strengthened existing, started having fun, became used to living alone and found a new girlfriend who is the polar opposite to my XW in all the right ways and I am happy and do not bother her at all ever, I do not even speak to the kids on her time since I do not ever want to call her and they never call me when with her. I do not care anymore about her affair or any of it, all I would like is some mutual respect and i would ne perfectly fine communicating with her and being allies as far as the Children are involved but for some strange reason she does not want that despite the fact it would make her life easier as well. i do not understand the mentality of some people.


MF-
Does this situation continue? You really should tell your children what happened to cause the divorce and whose faults it is (XW and OM). They should not hate you.


----------



## Chuck71

MovingForward said:


> So Friday another bust up. I was 10 minutes 'Late' according to her, I was actually on time according to Parenting plan just 10 minutes later than usual as got stuck at work. She flipped in person and via text, threatened court etc etc, not ever going to help me again etc etc I am a selfish piece of ****, my time and Job do not come first, I am taking advantage of her etc etc it was a full melt down that you would see from a child.
> 
> *I apologized and then continued to receive a lot of abuse via text* but remained calm and simply replied 'You must be so unhappy with your life to constantly have to attack me???? that ended the abuse thanks god.
> 
> I keep getting told it gets easier as time goes on but she doesn't seem to be slowing down on hating me and everything I do despite the fact she wanted the divorce, cheated and got the exact settlement she wanted and I am completely out of her life, dont talk, communicate or bother her in the slightest, she still likes to come at me for something whenever things dont go her way.
> 
> It is weird, if anyone should be angry it should be me, I was cheated on, lied to, taken for Alimony, Child support, half my stuff, my 410k etc, I was the one left in shock at what was happening, alone with no family and a fast disappearing friend network due to being a lot of mutual friends, I was the one the kids hated and blamed and had to keep my mouth shut, I got past it all, made a new group of friends and strengthened existing, started having fun, became used to living alone and found a new girlfriend who is the polar opposite to my XW in all the right ways and I am happy and do not bother her at all ever, I do not even speak to the kids on her time since I do not ever want to call her and they never call me when with her. I do not care anymore about her affair or any of it, all I would like is some mutual respect and i would ne perfectly fine communicating with her and being allies as far as the Children are involved but for some strange reason she does not want that despite the fact it would make her life easier as well. i do not understand the mentality of some people.


If you are on time.... NO APOLOGY. If you are late.... apologize ONLY for being late.

Be very specific when you apologize, that way, you own your mistakes.

MF...... write this on your bathroom mirror if you have to "I'm sorry you feel that way" when she starts

with the abuse. If it persists... "I see things otherwise".... smile when you do it. Get the kids.... drive away.

See... she IS mad as hell.... at HERSELF. Not you... but you allowed her to anger dump on you for

so long, it is old habit to her. Old habits are hard to break. The above replies will stop this.

She was mad at herself, blamed you, started an affair and "thought" she was "happier now"

She D you, took everything she could and ran to the arms of POSOM... expecting roses and dandelions.

A strange thing happened on the way to the meadow..... she STILL was not happy, matter of fact....

since her exit plan fell apart like two day old cornbread.....she is more angry and miserable.... than before.

Could he be standing up to her games and BS? Could he be cheating on her? Who knows....

She ain't happy and that NO longer concerns you or is your problem in ANY way. 

Cut off her anger dumps .... if she can't dump it on POSOM.... wellbyschit she'll have to OWN it.

She never has had to before..... no better time than the present.


----------



## MovingForward

Chuck71 said:


> If you are on time.... NO APOLOGY. If you are late.... apologize ONLY for being late.
> 
> Be very specific when you apologize, that way, you own your mistakes.
> 
> MF...... write this on your bathroom mirror if you have to "I'm sorry you feel that way" when she starts
> 
> with the abuse. If it persists... "I see things otherwise".... smile when you do it. Get the kids.... drive away.
> 
> See... she IS mad as hell.... at HERSELF. Not you... but you allowed her to anger dump on you for
> 
> so long, it is old habit to her. Old habits are hard to break. The above replies will stop this.
> 
> She was mad at herself, blamed you, started an affair and "thought" she was "happier now"
> 
> She D you, took everything she could and ran to the arms of POSOM... expecting roses and dandelions.
> 
> A strange thing happened on the way to the meadow..... she STILL was not happy, matter of fact....
> 
> since her exit plan fell apart like two day old cornbread.....she is more angry and miserable.... than before.
> 
> Could he be standing up to her games and BS? Could he be cheating on her? Who knows....
> 
> She ain't happy and that NO longer concerns you or is your problem in ANY way.
> 
> Cut off her anger dumps .... if she can't dump it on POSOM.... wellbyschit she'll have to OWN it.
> 
> She never has had to before..... no better time than the present.


She does have a lot of anger towards me at times. I think she is not quite comfortable to vent on POSOM yet. 

Weirdly i was showing my kids some home improvements last night via Skype and she came on to look also and told me it looked great.


----------



## MovingForward

Quick update.

Not really much to report, still really enjoying being with GF but also slightly worried about being too dependent on her in certain ways, I see her pretty much every single day so spend all my time with her, last night she had work until 10pm so I ended up twiddling my thumbs and trying to figure out what to do with myself. Not sure if I depend on her or just bored at home alone. After the crazy summer the group of people i was hanging out with all also had to calm down and stop partying so much so although I talk with them from time to time i rarely see them anymore since everyone is busy with work, family, kids and life in general etc etc.

Might take up soccer again, my new neighbor asked if i wanted to Join a 6 a side team he plays on and also try and have maybe one other night a week where I am 'too busy' to see my girlfriend and try and get out on my mountain bike more or go shooting or something to get out and occupy myself.

Home improvements still coming along nice and very happy with what i have done, just need to take a break and regroup some cash befomre doing anymore.

Any I know this has been mentioned before elsewhere on the board by others and I may have mentioned it myself but since getting divorced my sex frequency has increased hugely and makes me very happy. 

Good thing with my new GF is she is getting me out doing stuff more, this Saturday I am at a black tie event, Sunday we are going to an escape room type thing with some of her friends, next weekend comedy club with her friends and Thanksgiving we are away and going Skiing and Snowboarding so all fun stuff, plus I have been to watch movies with her more in the last 3 months than me and my X went in 12 years.


----------



## Chuck71

Join the soccer team..... The other day you have free...try a sports bar. Learn about football, basketball,

hockey. I'm a sports writer... if there is a sports bar near me... I always have something to do.

Heck... fill in other guys about soccer, MMA, boxing. Spending all your time with g/f

is understandable.....but you still need "your" time. Just as she wants her time with her g/fs at

the spa, salon, or having brunch or whatever. Just don't come across as needy.

What are you n the kids doing during free time? MF.... a bit of what is going on is "sex on the brain."

Your sex life was ka-poot for what.... last five years? Oh.... what type of movies do yous two watch?


----------



## MovingForward

Chuck71 said:


> Join the soccer team..... The other day you have free...try a sports bar. Learn about football, basketball,
> 
> hockey. I'm a sports writer... if there is a sports bar near me... I always have something to do.
> 
> Heck... fill in other guys about soccer, MMA, boxing. Spending all your time with g/f
> 
> is understandable.....but you still need "your" time. Just as she wants her time with her g/fs at
> 
> the spa, salon, or having brunch or whatever. Just don't come across as needy.
> 
> What are you n the kids doing during free time? MF.... a bit of what is going on is "sex on the brain."
> 
> Your sex life was ka-poot for what.... last five years? Oh.... what type of movies do yous two watch?


Yeah I do not know much about American sports so could do with brushing up but i am a huge MMA fan.

In the week there is not a lot of free time but on my weekends with the kids we usually just do the standard stuff play at house, see friends, park etc.

We watch everything, tonight we are seeing Murder on the Orient express. her taste in movies is like mine we basically like them all!!!

Yes sex on the brain for sure, we are both very physical people so it works though, never really gave the love languages much thought but my x always seemed cold unless we were having sex and if not she didn't really show much physical affection, my GF wants to be touching me at all times which works great for me.


----------



## FeministInPink

@MovingForward It's important that you do activities/hobbies/other stuff by yourself, without your GF or kids. Why? Because it's important to maintain your identity separate from your kids and GF, because you are more than just a dad and boyfriend. You are YOU. If you don't do this, when the kids grow up or you and the GF break up, you'll be faced with the existential, who am I, without these people in my life? It's not enough to identify through your job, because that isn't who you are, either.

I would say, definitely join the sports league.


----------



## Chuck71

MovingForward said:


> Yeah I do not know much about American sports so could do with brushing up but i am a huge MMA fan.
> 
> In the week there is not a lot of free time but on my weekends with the kids we usually just do the standard stuff play at house, see friends, park etc.
> 
> We watch everything, tonight we are seeing Murder on the Orient express. her taste in movies is like mine we basically like them all!!!
> 
> Yes sex on the brain for sure, we are both very physical people so it works though, never really gave the love languages much thought but my x always seemed cold unless we were having sex and if not she didn't really show much physical affection, my GF wants to be touching me at all times which works great for me.


On the weeks where your slime bucket *cough* XW has the kids.... how many days do you

spend with gf? From what I have seen with my guy friends.... a guy doesn't "stop" coming around 

until he has been seeing a certain female for about 3-4 months. Then he vanishes like a fart... for

about 6 months. Then he starts coming around more. Which usually means... LTR.


----------



## MovingForward

Chuck71 said:


> On the weeks where your slime bucket *cough* XW has the kids.... how many days do you
> 
> spend with gf? From what I have seen with my guy friends.... a guy doesn't "stop" coming around
> 
> until he has been seeing a certain female for about 3-4 months. Then he vanishes like a fart... for
> 
> about 6 months. Then he starts coming around more. Which usually means... LTR.


I spend every day with her, we maybe see my friends once a week and her friends maybe once a week also. it was one of those relationships where initially we kept a lot separate and just gradually started seeing each other more and more till basically it was just normal to see each other constantly without actually going out on dates all the time. I mean we do still go out together but we also spend a lot of time just having dinner at home and watching tv also.


----------



## MovingForward

FeministInPink said:


> @MovingForward It's important that you do activities/hobbies/other stuff by yourself, without your GF or kids. Why? Because it's important to maintain your identity separate from your kids and GF, because you are more than just a dad and boyfriend. You are YOU. If you don't do this, when the kids grow up or you and the GF break up, you'll be faced with the existential, who am I, without these people in my life? It's not enough to identify through your job, because that isn't who you are, either.
> 
> I would say, definitely join the sports league.


Yes I think i have to I do not want to end as I did before with my X, it just seemed forced as I would rather hang out with her than go play Soccer or whatever and if i am going out shooting or whatever then she could always come along but i do see maybe some time apart will help long term.


----------



## MovingForward

Just thought I would pop in and say HI. Still happy, still going well with Girlfriend and work.

Trying new things encouraged by her, spent 3 days Snowboarding which was great fun and probably going to be my new Winter weekend hobby. 

Not heard much from X which has been nice but unfortunately didn't hear from the kids either over Thanksgiving but I expect nothing from her when the kids are there and having no expectation is a big relief as never get disappointed. 

I can honestly say I am really enjoying not being married to my X and do not miss a thing other than access to children, that is the only downside to divorce for me, my happiness has increased dramatically and me and my girlfriend were talking about this on the way back from our trip but we were both different people with our X's and we were not living the lives we wanted to live.


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## Chuck71

When do you get the kids during the holidays?

Enjoy time with her.... try not to over-analyse...


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## KevinZX

I loved the detail in your post, after a such a long time together you will benefit greatly from some me time, but i read with interest that you mention that this might be a problem later if you start a relationship, choosing the right woman to begin with will help and a good barometer for this is her letting you have the freedom you so sorely lacked in your marriage to get out and enjoy yourself with her backing, this is the sign of a healthy relationship when you are supported to be be away form your partner without this causing a problem...Good Luck.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


----------



## MovingForward

Chuck71 said:


> When do you get the kids during the holidays?
> 
> Enjoy time with her.... try not to over-analyse...


I do not have much, just Christmas eve until 10am on Christmas day.

I do tend to over analyze too much, spend so long with one person and then try and learn someone new again.


----------



## Edmund

MovingForward said:


> I do not have much, just Christmas eve until 10am on Christmas day.


Hey MF,

Thanks for updating us and glad things are good for you in your new relationship.

The thing that I worried for you about was your relationship with children and them blaming you for the changes in their life. Has that been squared away now, and do they know it was your XW who caused the changes not you?

Have a good holiday season!


----------



## MovingForward

Edmund said:


> Hey MF,
> 
> Thanks for updating us and glad things are good for you in your new relationship.
> 
> The thing that I worried for you about was your relationship with children and them blaming you for the changes in their life. Has that been squared away now, and do they know it was your XW who caused the changes not you?
> 
> Have a good holiday season!


HI @Edmund,

My D6 has no issues and has been unfazed, my S8 still has many issues, he is very angry an mostly takes it out on his sister. He still cannot understand why and wants answers mostly from me, he the councilor he mostly talks to me as he has more chance. He still does not know who was to blame and initially thought it was his fault, we got past that but he is still not settled and wants his old life and stability back.

His main issues

1) he wants to see us both daily
2) he wants us all to have dinner together and do things as a family
3) he does not like moving between houses
4) I think my XW talks bad about me and my girlfriend and he notices and doesn't like that his parents hate each other( I have told him I dont and never spoke ill on her)


----------



## MovingForward

Just realized it has almost been 7 months since I signed my Divorce papers!!!! wow that went fast. difference in my overall happiness and mental state is huge, my XW is like a distant bad memory and I can barely even remember what it was like being married to her anymore.

Anyone else have divorce anniversary coming up and have some positives to share?


----------



## Chuck71

MovingForward said:


> Just realized it has almost been 7 months since I signed my Divorce papers!!!! wow that went fast. difference in my overall happiness and mental state is huge, my XW is like a distant bad memory and I can barely even remember what it was like being married to her anymore.
> 
> Anyone else have divorce anniversary coming up and have some positives to share?


Five years for me coming up very shortly.

The most positive thing is..... WC is no longer a part of my life!


----------



## MovingForward

Chuck71 said:


> Five years for me coming up very shortly.
> 
> The most positive thing is..... WC is no longer a part of my life!


Congratulations @Chuck71


----------



## Edmund

MovingForward said:


> HI @Edmund,
> 
> My D6 has no issues and has been unfazed, my S8 still has many issues, he is very angry an *mostly takes it out on his sister.* He still cannot understand why and wants answers mostly from me, he the councilor he mostly talks to me as he has more chance. He still does not know who was to blame and* initially thought it was his fault,* we got past that but he is still not settled and wants his old life and stability back.
> 
> His main issues
> 
> 1) he wants to see us both daily
> 2) he wants us all to have dinner together and do things as a family
> 3) he does not like moving between houses
> 4) I think my XW talks bad about me and my girlfriend and he notices and doesn't like that his parents hate each other( I have told him I dont and never spoke ill on her)


The statements I bolded above are very disturbing, and show how hard this is on the children. Taking out on sister must stop somehow. It is hard to believe S8 could think it was HIS fault! I wish I could offer some constructive advice, but it seems that only time can heal this. With items 1 & 2 these are not going to happen anytime soon. Item 3, he wont like it but may eventually get used to it. Item 4 could be fixed (and should be fixed) but it would probably require your communicating with XW, and her and OM's cooperation which it seems you are not going to get. Perhaps her parents could speak to her about not continuing to poison the kids relationship with you. Their angle would be as grandparents not wanting this upsetting feeling burden on the grandchildren. I wish you all a good holiday. Your story is rather instructive and may serve as a gift to others in the similar situation.


----------



## Marc878

Kids often blame themselves which is why they need the truth upfront in a sanitized way. 

You followed her lead helping hide her affair and lying to them during the divorce and now you have what you have.

Your mom got a new BF and wanted the divorce that's why we aren't married anymore. 

Her parents won't be any help I doubt. She's their daughter and they normally side with family.

Family dinners, etc or contact with the X will destroy your relationship with your gf. No other woman is going to want an X in the mix. Plus do you really want to go back to being her subservient doormat? That's what got you where you are at this time.


----------



## Edmund

Marc878 said:


> Kids often blame themselves which is why they need the truth upfront in a sanitized way.
> 
> 
> 
> You followed her lead helping hide her affair and lying to them during the divorce and now you have what you have.
> 
> 
> 
> Your mom got a new BF and wanted the divorce that's why we aren't married anymore.
> 
> 
> 
> Her parents won't be any help I doubt. She's their daughter and they normally side with family.
> 
> 
> 
> Family dinners, etc or contact with the X will destroy your relationship with your gf. No other woman is going to want an X in the mix. Plus do you really want to go back to being her subservient doormat? That's what got you where you are at this time.



Good points, Marc. I think however that MF was actually believing that his XW was not having an affair up until just before the D was finalized. Although most TAMers could see the signs of infidelity. So he didn't tell the kids the truth back then because he didn't know it himself, but they should know now.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## Marc878

Edmund said:


> Good points, Marc. I think however that MF was actually believing that his XW was not having an affair up until just before the D was finalized. Although most TAMers could see the signs of infidelity. So he didn't tell the kids the truth back then because he didn't know it himself, but they should know now.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


Nope, he knew.


----------



## MovingForward

Edmund said:


> The statements I bolded above are very disturbing, and show how hard this is on the children. Taking out on sister must stop somehow. It is hard to believe S8 could think it was HIS fault! I wish I could offer some constructive advice, but it seems that only time can heal this. With items 1 & 2 these are not going to happen anytime soon. Item 3, he wont like it but may eventually get used to it. Item 4 could be fixed (and should be fixed) but it would probably require your communicating with XW, and her and OM's cooperation which it seems you are not going to get. Perhaps her parents could speak to her about not continuing to poison the kids relationship with you. Their angle would be as grandparents not wanting this upsetting feeling burden on the grandchildren. I wish you all a good holiday. Your story is rather instructive and may serve as a gift to others in the similar situation.


*apparently it is common for kids to blame themselves*



Marc878 said:


> Kids often blame themselves which is why they need the truth upfront in a sanitized way.
> 
> You followed her lead helping hide her affair and lying to them during the divorce and now you have what you have.
> 
> Your mom got a new BF and wanted the divorce that's why we aren't married anymore.
> 
> Her parents won't be any help I doubt. She's their daughter and they normally side with family.
> 
> Family dinners, etc or contact with the X will destroy your relationship with your gf. No other woman is going to want an X in the mix. Plus do you really want to go back to being her subservient doormat? That's what got you where you are at this time.


*Until after Divorce the affair was not confirmed but highly suspected, once confirmed i did tell then there mother had a boyfriend and who it was and that is why we dont live together and she wants to be with him.

Correct on Parents i told them and was told they want to stay out of it

Correct on 'family' dinners we are not family anymore and no other partner will want to share with the old spouse. It would be nice if there was mutual respect so we could put kids first and discuss that stuff but my X has no respect for me so best we do not communicate at all*



Edmund said:


> Good points, Marc. I think however that MF was actually believing that his XW was not having an affair up until just before the D was finalized. Although most TAMers could see the signs of infidelity. So he didn't tell the kids the truth back then because he didn't know it himself, but they should know now.
> 
> They do but I did not word it in a way to assign blame, I told them sometimes people want to be with other people and mom wants to be with POSOM and she is happy and i am happy and we both still love you etc etc
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## Marc878

Unfortunately she has and continues to put you in a precarious position. 

Sucks


----------



## MovingForward

Marc878 said:


> Unfortunately she has and continues to put you in a precarious position.
> 
> Sucks


Things have been calm recently, kids miss me when with her but do not whine/cry or miss her when they are with me, i think they feel more secure with me than at other mans house.

Life is good, had my best ever year at work, house pricing has raised significantly, got a few new business prospects from new friends who basically became like family during my divorce, new hobbies, new mindset and my girlfriend has been working on my fashion sense since I am terrible and I have been getting a ton of compliments on how well I dress after the shock has worn off. 

It is crazy to look back at my old posts and how desperate and depressed I was, if I had only known how unhappy I was being married. Things really could not have worked out much better other than having no Alimony payment and if it had not affected my son as much.


----------



## Marc878

You're going to be fine. As you've seen better than you had.

Just keep moving forward. Never look back. There's nothing there worth a second of your time.


----------



## Chuck71

MovingForward said:


> Things have been calm recently, kids miss me when with her but do not whine/cry or miss her when they are with me, i think they feel more secure with me than at other mans house.
> 
> Life is good, had my best ever year at work, house pricing has raised significantly, got a few new business prospects from new friends who basically became like family during my divorce, new hobbies, new mindset and my girlfriend has been working on my fashion sense since I am terrible and I have been getting a ton of compliments on how well I dress after the shock has worn off.
> 
> It is crazy to look back at my old posts and how desperate and depressed I was, if I had only known how unhappy I was being married. Things really could not have worked out much better other than having no Alimony payment and if it had not affected my son as much.


You sound a lot like me.... four years ago... in my one year reflection.

Your XW had a plan...well not a plan, just an idea. She expected it to work but

something happened. YOU decided not to play along anymore. And to a degree... neither did her AP.

During the M.... a man is expected to be a provider. Somewhere along the way.... she tested out

her manipulation and narcissistic powers. They weren't even fights.... but like a black widow... that

web was spun. Then you became co-dependent in hopes of making this "better" .... because it had

already crossed your mind...how much you would lose in a D....... not to mention only seeing

your children 50%. You didn't want your W..... you wanted your M to stay intact.

One is a by-product of the other.

Five years ago I had a bright path with potholes and endless toll booths. Or the dimly lit one.... smooth,

paved, relaxing drive. But off in the distance was a small light, maybe a small one red light / one filling station

town. It was the first stop off.... to a brand new life. You passed others going the other way.

Pay your respects to them as they follow the path which leads to nowhere.

MF...now you have an idea which....turned into a plan. A successful plan. Bet the farm XW is

"madder than a wet hen in ice water" watching yours unfold. When she gets angry at herself.... she tries

to take it out on you.....or on the kids to get to you. That is a short window because kids grow up

at lightening speed. Give it 4-5 years.... your kids will figure out the dynamics without being told.

You traveled a rough path MF.... but you.....made it! She was miserable, felt trapped, wanted out, just 

"wanted to be happy" and.....you gave that to her. But your ex-WW now seems to try and get your

attention.....and makes wittle bitty "reaches." And wonders why MF just does not seem to

give a damn..... #becarefulwhatyouwishfor


----------



## MovingForward

Chuck71 said:


> You sound a lot like me.... four years ago... in my one year reflection.
> 
> Your XW had a plan...well not a plan, just an idea. She expected it to work but
> 
> something happened. YOU decided not to play along anymore. And to a degree... neither did her AP.
> 
> During the M.... a man is expected to be a provider. Somewhere along the way.... she tested out
> 
> her manipulation and narcissistic powers. They weren't even fights.... but like a black widow... that
> 
> web was spun. Th*en you became co-dependent in hopes of making this "better" .... because it had
> 
> already crossed your mind...how much you would lose in a D....... not to mention only seeing
> 
> your children 50%. You didn't want your W..... you wanted your M to stay intact.
> *
> One is a by-product of the other.
> 
> Five years ago I had a bright path with potholes and endless toll booths. Or the dimly lit one.... smooth,
> 
> paved, relaxing drive. But off in the distance was a small light, maybe a small one red light / one filling station
> 
> town. It was the first stop off.... to a brand new life. You passed others going the other way.
> 
> Pay your respects to them as they follow the path which leads to nowhere.
> 
> MF...now you have an idea which....turned into a plan. A successful plan. Bet the farm XW is
> 
> "madder than a wet hen in ice water" watching yours unfold. When she gets angry at herself.... she tries
> 
> to take it out on you.....or on the kids to get to you. That is a short window because kids grow up
> 
> at lightening speed. Give it 4-5 years.... your kids will figure out the dynamics without being told.
> 
> You traveled a rough path MF.... but you.....made it! She was miserable, felt trapped, wanted out, just
> 
> "wanted to be happy" and.....you gave that to her. But your ex-WW now seems to try and get your
> 
> attention.....and makes wittle bitty "reaches." And wonders why MF just does not seem to
> 
> give a damn..... #becarefulwhatyouwishfor


Highlighted exactly just did not see it at the time, I wanted the marriage and the family not the XW, I am such a happier person not tip toeing around her.


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## sokillme

MovingForward said:


> It is crazy to look back at my old posts and how desperate and depressed I was, if I had only known how unhappy I was being married. Things really could not have worked out much better other than having no Alimony payment and if it had not affected my son as much.


This is kind of a mantra on here for a lot of us. It's a message a lot of us try to get out, to those being abused. There is hope, get strong and get out. 

Pay it forward.


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## MovingForward

sokillme said:


> This is kind of a mantra on here for a lot of us. It's a message a lot of us try to get out, to those being abused. There is hope, get strong and get out.
> 
> Pay it forward.


Yes this forum was so helpful for me when I needed it, I would read peoples stories to either try and find hope or try and find a solution.

I continue to post so newbies coming through can read and see it gets better.

My first desperate self loathing post was almost 1 year ago.


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## MovingForward

Happy New year everyone lets make this a great year!!!! 

I am so excited for second chance/fresh start in my life, feels like I have been jump started and brought back from death compared to this time last year when I thought my life was over and my entire world was gone. I not only feel different from this time last year but like a new person completely just in general, I feel relaxed, excited, content, happy, optimistic and alive. 

If you had asked me this time last year about my outlook on life and the future it would have been so bleak,I was rock bottom, I could not see or imagine things ever getting better and I was so depressed, I wish I could have gone back and told myself 'she is not worth it' 'you do not need her' life will be better without her I promise' I fought so hard to try and keep hold of someone who really was not worth it, who was not my partner, who did not respect me, who did not support me or build me up and I still dont really know why!!?? Maybe fear of unknown and the old saying better the devil you know than the devil you dont? maybe fear of failure or other peoples opinions, fear of being alone?? I am really not sure, I just know i stayed too long, it cost me so much and I let it happen and am to blame, I needed more balls, I needed to be a stronger person but I was not so I let it all happen and was cast aside and taken advantage of. 

Goals for future are to continue on the path to happiness, be more assertive, do not let myself get pushed around anymore, do not miss out on things because my significant other 'will not allow me to' and be the best Dad I can be and show both my children a positive role model.


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## Chuck71

MovingForward said:


> Happy New year everyone lets make this a great year!!!!
> 
> I am so excited for second chance/fresh start in my life, feels like I have been jump started and brought back from death compared to this time last year when I thought my life was over and my entire world was gone. I not only feel different from this time last year but like a new person completely just in general, I feel relaxed, excited, content, happy, optimistic and alive.
> 
> If you had asked me this time last year about my outlook on life and the future it would have been so bleak,I was rock bottom, I could not see or imagine things ever getting better and I was so depressed, I wish I could have gone back and told myself 'she is not worth it' 'you do not need her' life will be better without her I promise' I fought so hard to try and keep hold of someone who really was not worth it, who was not my partner, who did not respect me, who did not support me or build me up and I still dont really know why!!?? Maybe fear of unknown and the old saying better the devil you know than the devil you dont? maybe fear of failure or other peoples opinions, fear of being alone?? I am really not sure, I just know i stayed too long, it cost me so much and I let it happen and am to blame, I needed more balls, I needed to be a stronger person but I was not so I let it all happen and was cast aside and taken advantage of.
> 
> Goals for future are to continue on the path to happiness, be more assertive, do not let myself get pushed around anymore, do not miss out on things because my significant other 'will not allow me to' and be the best Dad I can be and show both my children a positive role model.


Ah hell...... you're being a bit hard on yourself. I'll tell you why you stayed. Well... the main one.

You did not want your kids growing up in a broken home. I think... the most common reason men stay.

You were also still hoping the woman she was when you first met her..... was still in there somewhere.

You were in love with someone who was not really there anymore. She pulled the "bait 'n switch" on you.

#3-You knew good and well how you were going to get screwed in family court. You could have very well

pulled the trigger on the D a good while back, if you knew you would NOT have gotten screwed in court.

#4-You feared the unknown...... pure and simple. I'm a 40 y / o Brit with two kids, WITF would want me?

Well.... that fear didn't last long now did it? For most guys.... it doesn't. Many D fathers fear

losing out on good females because they're financially strapped for X number of years.

They will lose out on those females who chase wallets. Well... "dems ain't good wemen" as pop used to say.

Cuts out many wasted dates / STRs. Go right to the females who like MF..... for MF.


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## MovingForward

Chuck71 said:


> Ah hell...... you're being a bit hard on yourself. I'll tell you why you stayed. Well... the main one.
> 
> You did not want your kids growing up in a broken home. I think... the most common reason men stay.
> 
> You were also still hoping the woman she was when you first met her..... was still in there somewhere.
> 
> You were in love with someone who was not really there anymore. She pulled the "bait 'n switch" on you.
> 
> #3-You knew good and well how you were going to get screwed in family court. You could have very well
> 
> pulled the trigger on the D a good while back, if you knew you would NOT have gotten screwed in court.
> 
> #4-You feared the unknown...... pure and simple. I'm a 40 y / o Brit with two kids, WITF would want me?
> 
> Well.... that fear didn't last long now did it? For most guys.... it doesn't. Many D fathers fear
> 
> losing out on good females because they're financially strapped for X number of years.
> 
> They will lose out on those females who chase wallets. Well... "dems ain't good wemen" as pop used to say.
> 
> Cuts out many wasted dates / STRs. Go right to the females who like MF..... for MF.


For sure losing hard earned cash and assets, losing friends, family, splitting the kids up etc. I am not thanking her but my XW did me a big favor, she pulled the plug, became the bad guy, lost the friends and removed herself from everything which left me in a good position with a free conscience .

Even though she still drives me insane and I do not like her i still feel bad for her at times, she could have handled it all so much better and a much better outcome been had by all.


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## Chuck71

MovingForward said:


> For sure losing hard earned cash and assets, losing friends, family, splitting the kids up etc. I am not thanking her but my XW did me a big favor, she pulled the plug, became the bad guy, lost the friends and removed herself from everything which left me in a good position with a free conscience .
> 
> Even though she still drives me insane and I do not like her i still feel bad for her at times, she could have handled it all so much better and a much better outcome been had by all.


110% agree........ My late mom was sitting at her kitchen table back in 2012, nothing past HS diploma, read People magazine but only looked at the pictures and did crossword, maker of mashed potatoes and salmon patties........ took me, a PhD candidate, lecturer at post-grad level, 172 IQ, ADHD, autism...... completely to school....on life.

I had a bad case of the blues and she looked right over at me, "She did you a damn favor, she set you free." I was upbeat the rest of the day. But.....y'know.... moms have a way of doing that.


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## Marc878

Chuck71 said:


> 110% agree........ My late mom was sitting at her kitchen table back in 2012, nothing past HS diploma, read People magazine but only looked at the pictures and did crossword, maker of mashed potatoes and salmon patties........ took me, a PhD candidate, lecturer at post-grad level, 172 IQ, ADHD, autism...... completely to school....on life.
> 
> I had a bad case of the blues and she looked right over at me, "She did you a damn favor, she set you free." I was upbeat the rest of the day. But.....y'know.... moms have a way of doing that.


When I got into my late twenties I noticed how smart my mom was. By my 30's she was a genius. She told me once "you may be smart and have a college degree but I know more than you because I've lived longer". I still chuckle about that and tell the same thing.

She's been gone a long time but I think of her often.


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## MovingForward

Marc878 said:


> When I got into my late twenties I noticed how smart my mom was. By my 30's she was a genius. She told me once "you may be smart and have a college degree but I know more than you because I've lived longer". I still chuckle about that and tell the same thing.
> 
> She's been gone a long time but I think of her often.


My Mom is same, just an amazing judge of character.


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## Chuck71

Marc878 said:


> When I got into my late twenties I noticed how smart my mom was. By my 30's she was a genius. She told me once "you may be smart and have a college degree but I know more than you because I've lived longer". I still chuckle about that and tell the same thing.
> 
> She's been gone a long time but I think of her often.


Just a bit over a year for me. Been meaning to hit the Grieving section but just hadn't yet.

Pop's been gone over 20 years..... course much of the advice I give here.... he taught me.

I dreaded bringing home girls to meet mom. She was tough..... -Oh I like her- or just a smug look.


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