# Sex without Intimacy



## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

Is there anyone else out there who has a decent amount of sex with their SO without being non-sexually intimate? I'm happy enough with the 2 times per week sex we have (today she even came multiple times so she likes it too), but there is no non-sexual intimacy. Afterwards it's a quick cleanup and we go on our ways.

In retrospect she has never been non-sexually intimate with me. She wouldn't push me away but I would have to initiate holding hands, hugging, spooning etc. She's not withholding to be mean or out of spite; that's just who she is.

Is this a weird situation to be in? I feel really torn.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I'm not fully clear on what exactly the issue is? You are referring to general affection, like touching, holding hands, arm rubs while watching TV together, right?

If so, you say she doesn't pull away when you touch her but does she appear uncomfortable? Do you notice her tensing or relaxing?

You also mention she doesn't initiate affection with you? That does seem to be something that would trouble me. My husband has never been a very touchy affection kind of guy but I complained often enough about that and he now offers affection frequently and I love it.

Have you talked to her about it? What is her response?

ETA, with regard to affection after sex have you asked her not to get up right away and stay to cuddle for a while?


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

I don't think it's weird.

My wife and I will hold hands regularly yet in many ways aren't particularly all over each other throughout any day. Likewise after sex (which we have 4-6 times a week), we will both readily do our own thing or go to sleep without hugging or gazing into each other eyes in the aftermath.

Funnily enough I am sure plenty of people who know us might presume we aren't particularly affectionate towards each other. Yet alone in private or away from those that we know, we are not shy about vociferously consuming each other in a kaleidoscope of ways.

I don't see anything wrong with how your wife behaves with you outside of the bedroom. What matters is how you and your wife feel about your non sexual intimacy outside of the bedroom.

Although we tend not to hug and be all mushy together we do sometimes flirt and my wife will offer me an eyeful and more (while out without our kids). Does your wife flirt with you at all or reveal herself to you at times?

Have you discussed this with your wife, what are her thoughts on this?


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

ya now, you hear a lot about "i would never want pity sex"..blah blah blah.

My feeling: if the alternative was pity/non intimate but mechanically wild sex, or my hand/porn, i will take the former any day of the week. Hey i can always turn the lights down low and imagine it is sandra bullock there instead! :rofl:


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

We don't have sex that often because my husband is very LD and goes for weeks, if not months, without even thinking about sex. What this has led to is a lack of intimacy in our daily relationship, but also a total lack of intimacy when we do have sex. We go through the motions and have rough, porn style sex which for me is not intimate or satisfying at all. There are no words of love, no tenderness or affection, it's just a recreational activity that he remembers used to be enjoyable in his younger days. I had thought we would be able to work on our sex life and develop something that would suit both of our "sex styles". However, we have sex so seldom that working on improving it is just imposssible. By the time we do have sex, I'm so grateful to be getting some that I'm scared to say anything that would break the mood and end the sex. I also know that talking about it during sex is totally the wrong time. However, talking about sex at all has become really difficult as we never manage to get any further than talking about the fact that I'm not getting enough.


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> I'm not fully clear on what exactly the issue is? You are referring to general affection, like touching, holding hands, arm rubs while watching TV together, right?


Yes, that's it. I should have wrote affection rather than intimacy because I'm referring to non-sexual intimacy.



Anon Pink said:


> If so, you say she doesn't pull away when you touch her but does she appear uncomfortable? Do you notice her tensing or relaxing?


Not uncomfortable, nor tensing or relaxing either. It's as if there were a giant pillow. I would caress the pillow, stroke the pillow, hug the pillow etc. That's exactly how it feels like.



Anon Pink said:


> You also mention she doesn't initiate affection with you? That does seem to be something that would trouble me. My husband has never been a very touchy affection kind of guy but I complained often enough about that and he now offers affection frequently and I love it.


Is it done naturally? My wife did this once based on the counselor's request to be more affectionate and it felt very stilted and unnatural. Like her doing homework; hold hands x times, hug y times etc.



Anon Pink said:


> Have you talked to her about it? What is her response?


In the past I have with the counselor and I believe she says that's just the way she is. She's just not affectionate in general. Personally I think she's a bit cold, too. Definitely not a 'warm' person.



Anon Pink said:


> ETA, with regard to affection after sex have you asked her not to get up right away and stay to cuddle for a while?


I haven't because I kind of know the answer already. She wouldn't understand why at all. Plus she's a clean freak and wants to tidy up right away. If she takes a shower I know there is zero chance of having sex later. That's how she rolls.


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

Personal said:


> Although we tend not to hug and be all mushy together we do sometimes flirt and my wife will offer me an eyeful and more (while out without our kids). Does your wife flirt with you at all or reveal herself to you at times?


She doesn't flirt one bit with me. I flirt with her tell her how hot she is and I get a 'thank you' in return. That's literally what she says.

I have to request she wear lingerie or else she would never do it. I myself have worn tight, short underwear and get absolutely no response from her whatsoever.



Personal said:


> Have you discussed this with your wife, what are her thoughts on this?


We've been through this with the counselor and that's just the way she is. The counselor noted that I need to come to terms with this, or she needs to change, or we get divorced. Maybe if she knows that divorce is in the works that could compel her to change her ways. No guarantee though. The thing is that financially and for the family divorce is not in the cards right now. And I am having sex twice a week which is way better than before so maybe I should just forget about the affection part.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I've had plenty of great, meaningless, loveless sex, but I've never had sex without intimacy. Your situation sounds robotic or mechanical. I wonder if there is a personality disorder that relates to this?


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

doobie said:


> We don't have sex that often because my husband is very LD and goes for weeks, if not months, without even thinking about sex. What this has led to is a lack of intimacy in our daily relationship, but also a total lack of intimacy when we do have sex.


I think that's a more common scenario. Lack of sex coupled with lack of intimacy/affection.



doobie said:


> We go through the motions and have rough, porn style sex which for me is not intimate or satisfying at all.


For me it's dealing with someone who is very passive. I always make sure she is satisfied before myself so the sex part is decent enough for both of us although I miss the affection part.
To make her less passive I ask her what position she wants to do and she'll decide but it's rather uninspiring.


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> I've had plenty of great, meaningless, loveless sex, but I've never had sex without intimacy. Your situation sounds robotic or mechanical. I wonder if there is a personality disorder that relates to this?


That's what I'm thinking although I think it may be related to her culture which I don't think places importance on affection whatsoever. The more I think about this the more I realize this is who she is. Doesn't mean she is a bad person, just that we're different. I've sucked it up for years and I'll need to deal with it for several more years while the kids are small and finances are not there. Then I can reassess what to do. Twice a week sex without affection is better than no sex I suppose.

As an example, finally got kid to sleep in his own room. So just wife and me in bed for first time in years. I held her etc and she did not reciprocate one bit. Like a dead fish. That's after we had sex that afternoon and she came numerous times.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

bravo29 said:


> That's what I'm thinking although I think it may be related to her culture which I don't think places importance on affection whatsoever. The more I think about this the more I realize this is who she is. Doesn't mean she is a bad person, just that we're different. I've sucked it up for years and I'll need to deal with it for several more years while the kids are small and finances are not there. Then I can reassess what to do. Twice a week sex without affection is better than no sex I suppose.
> 
> As an example, finally got kid to sleep in his own room. So just wife and me in bed for first time in years. I held her etc and she did not reciprocate one bit. Like a dead fish. That's after we had sex that afternoon and she came numerous times.


Some people just aren't affectionate. It sounds like she is participating in sex with you it's that out of the bedroom affection is non-existant. Just get the closeness and affections you need during the sex act. Add a few sex days if it's possible if your tank still is not full.

Be thankful that you aren't one of the sexless and affectionless. There are plenty of people who jump right into the sex and may not do alot of hugs or mouth kissing or extended out of the bedroom leadup to sex.


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

Saturday night I asked wife if she wanted to watch something. She sighed and said she had lots of papers to write etc (she's taking 2 community college classes). I told her it's important that we spend time together. Then she reconsidered and said she would.

I asked her what she wanted to watch and she mentioned a show that she's been watching (that she never mentioned to me previously). I said I'd still watch it with her. As we watched I put my arm around her. Absolutely no response from her whatsoever.

Half way through she said I don't need to watch with her since I don't understand the progression and she continued watching on the tablet next to me. As it was 11 I told her I was going to sleep and asked whether she wanted to join me. She said she would after she finished the show (20 minutes left). Anyway, I fell asleep and in the morning I asked her what time she went to bed. She said 12:30 and I saw that she watched 2 more 45 minute episodes.

One of these days I need to talk with her about lack of affection and spending so much time on school etc. Unfortunately I don't see much of a solution to this as she believes everything is a-ok.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Someone to whom affection doesn't come naturally is going to have a learning curve and you are going to have to not only overlook awkward attempts but praise them and find comfort in them. If you want to try to make this marriage work that is.

She comes from a culture that doesn't value affection, clearly in the beginning this didn't affect you since you had enough affection for the both of you. But now your funds on loan have run dry and you need something back from her.

I think the fact that she tries, speaks volumes. I think, also, the fact that she has upped the amount of sex also speaks volumes.

I have had to teach my husband in very direct ways, how I want to feel his love. I didn't want to do this because, like you, I felt like it cheapened it. But now that he is more comfortable offering affection it really does feel just the way it is supposed to feel

She probably has no idea what it is you want, and you probably really hesitate to go so far as to say, "when we have sex I want you to caress me, look into my eyes, smile, vocalize how you're feeling and participate with me." Explaining that level of detail might make it feel cheap and forced when it does happen. However, after a time, she will learn to let go even more as she grows more comfortable showing affection and being a warm blooded lover.

Watching TV together isn't quality time, at least not in my book. Now watching a TV show wrapped in each other arms while someone is scratching my back...that some quality TV there!

I suggest you and your wife agree to practice affection daily.

"Wife," you say, "I want us to grow more comfortable and natural sharing affection with each other and understanding how this isn't something you're used to I have some ideas I'd like you to enthusiastically support."

She rolls her eyes and takes a deep breath, which you totally ignore and then go on to say, "While I understand you weren't raised this way, I need you to understand that I was! I cannot feel loved if there is little to no affection easily and regularly offered between us. As such, it is important that you understand that I cannot stay in a marriage in which I do not feel loved. So here is what we are going to do..."

Each day you talk over some benign aspect of the day, taking turns holding your partners hand and lightly caressing the top and sides of said hand. For 15 minutes each day, 7 minutes of you holding and caressing her hand while she talks of her day and 7 minutes of her holding and caressing your hand as you take about your day.

The you move on to hugs. Does she know how to hug? Does she understand that her body should melt into yours? Does she understand that when you wrap your arms around her she should be wrapping hers around you. Does she feel how you gently run your hand up and down her back, sometimes pressing her tighter into you and sometimes seeking out that itchy spot? Next have her do the same for you. 

Once you two get more at ease practicing this, ask her if she feels calmer after having been held? The hope is that a light bulb will go off for her so you need to give her enough time to actually grow accustomed to touching and being touched. Because once that lightbulb goes off, darn it ...it does feel great to receive affection, that's when she will begin to understand why it is so important to you and why there is no way you could be happily married to a woman who refuses affection.


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Someone to whom affection doesn't come naturally is going to have a learning curve and you are going to have to not only overlook awkward attempts but praise them and find comfort in them. If you want to try to make this marriage work that is.


Thanks for that. Last night after kids went to bed I asked her if she wanted to do something and she said she was busy with her homework. Instead of going away I let her know that if this is going to continue like this it wasn't going to work out between us. She said she was too busy even complaining that she had to go to the grocery store too often. Eventually I explained that there's always reasons for her to be too busy and that in the end this wasn't going to work out if it continues like this, as simple as that.

I said I would help out as well and she eventually agreed to spend more time with me at night. It went well and this afternoon she said she was going to college and gave me a hug and kiss so I know she's trying to improve on the affection part which I appreciate.

Thanks to everyone for your advice, it really helps a lot! Regardless of what ends up happening to us I really appreciate everyone's feedback!


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

bravo29 said:


> Thanks for that. Last night after kids went to bed I asked her if she wanted to do something and she said she was busy with her homework. Instead of going away I let her know that if this is going to continue like this it wasn't going to work out between us. She said she was too busy even complaining that she had to go to the grocery store too often. Eventually I explained that there's always reasons for her to be too busy and that in the end this wasn't going to work out if it continues like this, as simple as that.
> 
> I said I would help out as well and she eventually agreed to spend more time with me at night. It went well and this afternoon she said she was going to college and gave me a hug and kiss so I know she's trying to improve on the affection part which I appreciate.
> 
> Thanks to everyone for your advice, it really helps a lot! Regardless of what ends up happening to us I really appreciate everyone's feedback!


Thats a huge start. A hug and a kiss and a sex life. That's way more than many people have.


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