# getting on track



## lacrosse (Dec 17, 2009)

hi this is my first post here. i have been with my wife for 17yrs i have lied to her over the past yr that doesn't matter the big thing is i have lied to her and it hurt her in a big way we are separated and slowly working on things witch is good is there any advice that anyone can give me to get back on track to show her that i want her in my life any date ideas this is a big thing for her and me with it being cold out its hard to do things that i wold like to do any suggestion on how i can show her to trust me even a little would be good i know trust doesn't come over night it all takes time.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

what did you lie about? how did she find out you were lying?


----------



## lacrosse (Dec 17, 2009)

i lied about a bill and the fact i started smoking back up she found the bill and could smell the smoke i was ashamed of smoking again and didn't want to disappoint her and everyone els.


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I would just be an open book. That helps with me. My H lets me see everything. His email,facebook, his cell phone, everything. If I want to look I can without him getting upset. He has left me all his passwords and everything. That shows me that he isn't hiding anything now!


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

My H has also become an open book with me. that makes all the difference in the world. and if i suspect he is hiding something he doesnt get angry at my accusations. he will go above and beyond to show me he wasnt hiding anything. its coming to the point, after a year, that im starting to believe him. 

but part of it is also me caring about what he is going through. so that's my side of things. i try not to just be accusatory and negate how he is feeling. i try to ask him about his struggles and how he is feeling. i dont do it that often, but i think it helps him.


----------



## lacrosse (Dec 17, 2009)

my wife does accuse me of a lot and i try and prove to her that im not doing any thing but some times thats hard to do when some things thats she accuses me of i have not done at all


----------



## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

thats the problem !! you have lied to her ! why should she belive you now ? 

Trust is so hard to earn back ..


----------



## lacrosse (Dec 17, 2009)

yes it is very hard but its not like she hasnt done some thing to lose my trust for her. right now we are working on things but the hardest thing for me is that i feal like she puts me on hold for her single friends i ask her on a date and she already has plans with her friends on monday befor the weekend.


----------



## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

lacrosse said:


> yes it is very hard but its not like she hasnt done some thing to lose my trust for her. right now we are working on things but the hardest thing for me is that i feal like she puts me on hold for her single friends i ask her on a date and she already has plans with her friends on monday befor the weekend.


It doesn't matter what she did. Thinking like that will get you no where....where would we be if we all thought 'yeah, but that sniper guy killed Kenedy, why wouldn't we all do the same?'. It's an exageration, but you get the point. 

You lied, she caught you. From that point on, if she's insecure she will wonder what else you lied about. She'll scan through everything you said lately. 'did he really wash the dishes?' 'is he really faithfull?' etc. Understand? Well. The more she asks those questions and she gets back a 'yes, he told the truth about that' the less paranoid she will be, the more she will trust you again and the better your relationship will work.

I don't understand the need of lieing except for very very special occasions. I mean, i am free to still be myself after i'm married. If i want to smoke, I will. And that's that. If my spouse asks me not to, i will say no. I will try not to smoke in the house, or in front of him. But i will NOT give up smoking unless i personally want to. Just because my spouse wants to. Hence i find it pointless to lie about it. That person either accepts it or not. 

Chill out, be honest, be strong and wait for time with her if you have to. When she's with her friends, you do something useful for yourself. Getting into this mess didn't happen in one day, getting out of this mess won't happen in one day either


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Thus is the problem with lies. You lie about something small and when the truth comes out the questions come of "Oh my god, what else have they lied about?!?" 

I think the key for you two is going to be talking. Nail down a specific time and date with her. Hey three weeks from Friday we need to meet and have dinner. If she is not one to want to talk about personal stuff at a restaurant, make her a nice dinner at home and start talking. Tell her WHY you didn't tell her. For the love of god don't say the phrase " I wasn't thinking". Drives me nuts LOL. Tell her why you lied and tell her that she can have access to anything she needs so she can see herself whats going on with you. Can't hurt!


----------



## lacrosse (Dec 17, 2009)

ty to the last 2 post


----------

