# Triggers - want some thoughts/opinions...



## angrybuttrying (Jun 17, 2013)

Check out my other threads for the longer story, but briefly wife had an EA last year and in Jan of this year. DDay happened, NC since then, we're in R and doing well (most of the time), and are planning to grow old together.

My questions relate to something my wife said in MC, that was difficult to listen to, and now is likely to be difficult to live through. She met this guy on a plane early Nov, and slowly began an email relationship that turned into an EA, and had plans to turn this into a PA/exit affair.

In MC, she said that it wasn't planned, but where we were in our marriage, etc. she was vulnerable and she said it grew over the Holidays. She was extremely disgusted with herself in MC, and I know she is remorseful, etc. That is not the issue for me. The issue is "over the holidays" means that Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Year's last year was a lie, and it disgusts me to think about that time. She was there with our family, but obviously not there with our family. 

I have "fixed" the Christmas/New Year's issues by planning a trip with the family, so the entire setting for these holidays will be different. I simply don't want to be at home re-creating what we did last year - sound silly?

For T-giving, she has mentioned she wants to do the same thing as last year (go to family members house for a long weekend). I am at first saying I'm not sure I want to do that, but upon reflection I'm trying to sort out my feelings. 

Am I being silly? Normal? Would love to hear others' thoughts...

I know I am "allowed" to feel however I want, but I also want to continue to move past this time in our lives... 

thanks as always!


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## TooBroken (Sep 23, 2013)

At this point in my own recovering from Dday, I'd say whatever makes you feel better about the situation. I'm still trying to get past the whole sick to my stomach feeling, and every time he mentions moving back to the town where he planned to meet up with his EA to make it a PA, I want to scream. 

I'd say anything that distances you from those feelings are good, though at some point we all have to deal with "reality" at home. Choose your own timing, I'd say.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I don't think you are being silly. Her behaviour tainted a special time of the year for you. And I bet if she is honest with herself she will realise she will also have a difficult time dealing with the holidays this year. Maybe she hasn't realised that yet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I think that the best a BS can hope for is that triggers diminish with time. Will they ever go away? I doubt it. Mine haven't after two years. 

For me, I've found that most of my triggers are hidden in my subconscious, only revealing themselves when I don't expect it. But all are unique to the relationship and the severity of the infidelity. 

Once recognized, some can be avoided in the future, some can't. Some the WS can help with, some they can't.

But still, the best defense in dealing with them is a loving, understanding and remorseful WS.


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## Silvr Surfer (Sep 25, 2013)

IMO, if you don't want to go because of the trigger, she should be willing to accommodate you. If not forever, at least until you have new experience to replace some of the pain.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Normal. In 2011 my wife had me go out on Thanksgiving day and buy the meal from a restaurant. She always made a big meal and I helped her, sometimes our youngest son would smoke a duck etc. D-day that year was Nov. 26 and Christmas stank. I think I told my wife to stick the gift I got her somewhere not nice as I triggered. Last Thanksgiving was still in the A and I did not know it (False R) and it was OK, but knowing what I know now the holidays will be hard but I am working on getting over this. 

This is all related to triggers. The feeling of what she was doing over this time. H*ll my wife had sex with the XOM two days after we committed my son. He had a breakup with a girl (he is special needs) got drunk, came home and grabbed one of my pistols, came down the steps with the gun to his head pulling the trigger. My wife bolted out of the house and I grabbed the pistol out of his hand, called the police. 

My wife had planned on having sex with the XOM over a month prior to this and had the date set. Two days after committing my son my wife was banging the XOM for the first time. She told me later that nothing was going to stop her from having fun and excitement, not even the attempted suicide of our son.

Yea, things get bad and there is alot we have to swallow if we do R. My wife was in a real dark place and I do have to keep that in mind.

All I can say is that in time these things fade. 

I could tell you more stories that will make you puke. My wife left me in 2010. Not physically but emotionally, mentally, etc and did not come back till late April of this year. If she is remorsefull, tell her your triggers. Let her help you heal. Let her know your thoughts. If your wife is like mine, she will listen and help you through it. My wife owns it. Your wife is not a mind reader. She does not know how you feel. Tell her. Again, if your wife is like mine is now, she will listen and understand, say that she is sorry for what she has done and is willing to do anything to make it better.

If you are in R, and if your wife is sincere, try to work these things out and try to enjoy the holidays as a new beginning. 

Try to keep things in perspective. your wife was in a bad place. It is her fault. She messed up. She has ruined things that were special to you. In time things will even out. I have read countless posts here on TAM over a long period of time where other posters say this very thing, that things do get better and these triggers lessen.

Ackowledge what they are - triggers and let your wife know and allow her to help you heal.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Do you still discuss the affair with her ? Do you have the complete truth of her affair ?


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## "joe" (Aug 19, 2013)

angrybuttrying said:


> Am I being silly? Normal? Would love to hear others' thoughts...


you're being the opposite of silly.
my situation isn't exactly the same - mine carried through on her exit affair - but tgiving and christmas looked like nightmares anywhere near the old places and i've got plans to be well away for both. i think you're doing the right thing.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

My first date with my wife was on Christmas... She was 16 I was 17.. been together 32 years, 25 year anniversary is in Nov... She'd been cheating on me for the last 5 of those 25 years with a guy from her work... Yea, Christmas is going to suck this year. First holidays since DDay.. 

I deal with mind movies by just changing my thoughts, and if it becomes a challenge, I overwhelm my brain with input like looking at a million things around me and identifying what they are and change thoughts quickly to other stuff etc.... pinch yourself.. you get the idea, fight to keep switching it like changing the channel on the tv, don't let the movie play out. Remind yourself that they don't deserve the time in your brain..

Edit:I shouldn't say Christmas is going to suck, because that's just negative thinking.. it's going to be good, but for different reasons than why I used to enjoy it.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

_For T-giving, she has mentioned she wants to do the same thing as last year (go to family members house for a long weekend). I am at first saying I'm not sure I want to do that, but upon reflection I'm trying to sort out my feelings.

Am I being silly? Normal? Would love to hear others' thoughts...

I know I am "allowed" to feel however I want, but I also want to continue to move past this time in our lives...
_

Not silly, very normal. I'm 6+ years past DDay (EA, as in your case) and we are also doing well (full R), but I still cannot drive certain streets or watch certain movies without getting anxious. If you are truly in a good place now, as you say, I think you should tell W honestly how and why the triggers affect you. If you have a truly remorseful partner she will try to find a way to defuse the triggers.


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## angrybuttrying (Jun 17, 2013)

Thanks. I like "Remind yourself they don't deserve time in my brain."

I'm sure it will come up somehow, and will let her know that the holidays are different now than they used to be, at least as far as we are concerned. Good point about Christmas, though - it's a tiime of joy and beginnings, etc. so that won't suck. I have 3 great kids to focus on as well. 

Thanks as always for the thoughts!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Christmas 2010 and 2011 were write offs for me. He was cheating all through Christmas 2009, and knowing that just ruined the entire holiday season for me. Last year was better, and I am hoping this year is better yet  But I still look at the gifts he gave me in 2009 sometimes and want to rip them to shreds (a robe and slippers)

You have to make new memories to override the trigger memories. I think doing something completely different this year is a GREAT idea. She needs to be on board with this too. This is the kind of thing the WS MUST give the BS, for as long as it takes. And they should do so willingly. If they don't, a serious re-evaluation of R is in order.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

_But I still look at the gifts he gave me in 2009 sometimes and want to rip them to shreds (a robe and slippers)_

Hope: Not intending to threadjack, but I'm curious why you kept these gifts. I'd have tossed them out as soon as I found out.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Triggers are horrible.

They start out bad and get better until in the end, they do ease and go away. I know this from personal experience.


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## angrybuttrying (Jun 17, 2013)

Funny you mention the gifts - had not even thought about that! I know that I have looked at the pictures of those three months, and it's taken a lot of self-control to not delete them! I'm not sure why I don't, just still pondering that. 

I have told her that those 3 months of my life were a lie, and I also told her in no uncertain terms that I do not want to be here at Christmas and New Year's. In fact, I lengthened the trip by 3 days to ensure we're gone the 23rd and not coming back until the 2nd. 

The other thing I will do is work significantly with the kids to do the holiday stuff, no matter what that is (decorate, shop, etc.).

As to why I don't delete the pictures, and why I haven't trashed the presents - guess I need to think more about it and our specific situation.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I know what you are gong through my wife was hot and heavy into her A. Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. I even found a receipt for a Christmas gift for him. The PA was dead by October of 2011 but there were still emails and texts right up until Christmas 2012. Last year hurt but I limped through. 

Special Occasions are tough the pain diminishes with time. I think you have the right idea to do something different from the past

Good luck


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Because it really is a very nice robe 

There've been a lot of things I HAVE gotten rid of or made him get rid of. If I let it, everything would remind me of what he did. The worst things are long gone.

I know what you mean about pictures too. I have a photo book that cost me over $100 of all our 2009 vacation pictures that, right after D day, I came THIS close to ripping to shreds. But I stopped myself because of how much *I* paid for it, mainly. Now I'm glad I did stop myself, because it doesn't trigger me nearly as bad any more, and that whole fun summer would have been erased not only for me but for my daughter as well if I'd given in to the impulse.


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## Tover26 (Oct 29, 2011)

We don't do wedding anniversary, her birthday, or my birthday anymore because of things she did on those days that were above and beyond just F***ing her lovers. It drives my kids and family insane. I help the kids do her birthday and for the most part avoid her and make plans to be gone on mine. 

I think this is normal but you'll get past it. I read somewhere once that Valentine's Day is the loneliest day of the year for some huge %age of all people because it's the ultimate trigger date for past relationships. Let her know how you feel and since you're in R, ask her to help you develop a plan for it. Maybe she'll surprise you with good ideas.


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## Falling1000x (Sep 8, 2013)

I am glad to find out that I am not alone.. That I wasn't being silly.
Triggers are so painful..


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

Hey my stbxw thing kicked off two days before my birthday. Was going strong during our sons birthday/ kayaking trip. Then she and the OM to a rest so that they could come back even harder to make my little girls birthday special. Then later that month had me kicked out of the home on our anniversary. Thats ok as we have two anniversary's. When we got married and then when we had our wedding at the church.

As much as I would like to get rid of the reminders from my birthday I just cant bring myself to get rid of that pipe they got me. It was an Eric Nording and it smokes great.


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

Triggers come out of the blue, and sometimes you won't even realize what your subconscious drags up until afterward. I was recently driving over a bridge and got a sudden heart-sinking shiver. It wasn't until a few minutes later that I realized that was where he told me they had troll sex in POSOW h's truck.


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