# Porn - Vibrators



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

The views below are mine and unrelated to those of the site sponsors. 


Im going to start with a premise, and then with that as a foundation get into this topic. 

In a healthy marriage your spouse should ALWAYS have 'right of first refusal' regarding sexual activity. 

That means you should both maximize the amount of sexual interaction you have with each other. 

That said, over the course of a lifetime partnership there will be periods of desire imbalance. And when those happen the HD spouse has excess sexual energy. They can either walk around tense and edgy or engage in 'self service'. 

Porn and vibrators simply amplify the self service experience. 

The reason I see them as equivalent is simple. When you're using a prop to maximize your 'self service' experience you're thinking about whatever makes you the MOST turned on. This is pure fantasy stuff, which means it's not always your spouse. 

So - whether you're vibrating to thoughts of Gerard Butler, or watching a porn star - what's the difference? 

And FWIW - as long as your self service activities aren't at the expense of your spouse - as long as they are simply excess sexual energy - they seem harmless to me.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

:smthumbup:+1


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

When I am not getting enough sex, masturbation doesn't help. I am not craving a physical release so much as an emotional/sexual connection with my wife.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I agree MEM. 

Although in my limited experience I think a woman excluding her husband because her vibrator is better is no where near as common as a man excluding his wife because he finds porn to be easiest. That said, I do recall one member who came to SIM because his wife was excluding him in favor or her porn (erotica) and her vibrator. This is harmful to a marriage.

But I think there are times when a woman intentionally excludes her husband in favor of her vibrator (he's been a d!ck, forgot her birthday, came home drunk every night) and that speaks directly to the state of the relationship. She is NOT feeling it with her husband but has a sex drive that needs attention. This obviously, is harmful to a marriage but it's not the vibrator hurting the marriage, it's the relationship itself.

I think there might also be times when a woman is too timid to tell her H he isn't getting her there, she doesn't want to hurt his feelings, she's too shy to be open and explain what she needs from him. So she hides her masturbation from him and crosses her fingers that one day he will magically read her mind and be able to help her orgasm. Totally harmful to a marriage!

I am very into written porn and read it, write it and edit it. However, I've never excluded my husband and in fact have a standing invite from him to wake him up anytime I'm in need of servicing, or sit in his home office playing with myself while he's on a conference call. He is a very kind and helpful man.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> Im going to start with a premise, and then with that as a foundation get into this topic.
> 
> In a healthy marriage your spouse should ALWAYS have 'right of first refusal' regarding sexual activity.


Sorry, I cannot agree with the premise. A person who wants to occasionally self-serve even with a willing spouse ought to have that option, all the usual be-there-for-your-mate's-needs caveats in full force. 

Some days, all you want is 10 minutes of "me" time.


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## Cleigh (Dec 5, 2013)

SadSamIAm said:


> When I am not getting enough sex, masturbation doesn't help. I am not craving a physical release so much as an emotional/sexual connection with my wife.


I agree with this. It's not the end product I'm seeking, it's the connection.
Also, if self service is going on with toys it's over in under 2 minutes. No need to fantasies. Get in, get the job done. Actually for me even without toys I don't need visual aid...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Anon,

I believe 'replacemeant of H with vibrator' is more common than it might appear. 

Still, the main point is that no one equates vibrators with porn. And I believe they are comparable. 




Anon Pink said:


> I agree MEM.
> 
> Although in my limited experience I think a woman excluding her husband because her vibrator is better is no where near as common as a man excluding his wife because he finds porn to be easiest. That said, I do recall one member who came to SIM because his wife was excluding him in favor or her porn (erotica) and her vibrator. This is harmful to a marriage.
> 
> ...


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I can only share my own experience. At the age of 42, being single for the second time, I just got my first vibrator. I've used it once. I do need some stimulation (i.e. very light porn) to get me in the mood since I'm single and have nobody I'm fantasizing about! 

I don't need it often at ALL since, for me, sex is about the emotional connection and not just the physical release. I'm talking once a month or once every six weeks when I'm not in a relationship. But, I do need the visual/video. Well, maybe not NEED, but it would take longer without it (but I could get there).


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

MEM11363 said:


> And FWIW - as long as your self service activities aren't at the expense of your spouse - as long as they are simply excess sexual energy - they seem harmless to me.


I do generally agree but I run into the following conundrum. My wife has a more responsive desire, and I've come to the conclusion that she somewhat has a fetish for when my level of desire builds to a point that I almost loose control and "have to have it!" She has admitted to me that that is what she really likes and what gets her turned on the most. 

If I masturbate in the meantime (1-2 days prior to sex), she can tell in the fact that it requires more effort on her behalf to get me off, which she generally likes it to be effortless so she can tease me while having to do very little, such as gentle touches or very slow licking and eventually bring me to orgasm that way. It is as if my penis is a powder keg of nitro glycerin and if not handled carefully it will explode. If I have recently masturbated a day or two before, I can last way longer and resist her teases (which is fun for me!) but she gets upset and tells me that I will just have to wait until I want it more!

So having said that I could generally masturbate once or twice a day, but if I know she is receptive I generally abstain and allow her to take advantage of that energy which ironically is her enjoying me loosing control and ravaging her after she teases me for a while. 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Hello MEM

Mr H and I are very evenly matched in regard to sex drive, there is the odd time where one of us is too tired or simply not up for it. All is good, at these times (maybe 5 times in 4 yrs) we are OK with the other going solo while in bed together, we hold each other and kiss then go to sleep ready for the next days adventures. Before we lived together and when he is away for work he watches porn and masturbates or does it without porn, that is all fine by me, who am I to curb his drive? I rarely watch porn on my own anymore when he is away as I have enough mind movies and my vibe to make it all happen when solo.

The key point is this is in the confines of "a healthy marriage" as you pointed out. In this situation it is very easy to not be upset, defensive, controlling of the other persons habits, angry, bitter and all the other emotions when it comes to porn v's vibe v's masturbation. When I was in a sexually dysfunctional marriage your post would have been very confronting.


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

Your argument is valid. Except that, for most people complaining about sex here (or the lack of it), the issue usually isn't "periods of desire imbalance". It's more like years, or even decades, of desire imbalance.

If that's the situation, then porn or a vibrator is unlikely to fill the gap. Simply because while solo-sex can be pleasurable and release-oriented, it doesn't fill the role that sex does.

As a male, I have a physical need to get off, and have an orgasm once every 2-3 days. That's fine. Porn can do the job for me.

But what I long for is human touch, to connect with another person, to feel the oxytocin rush that comes from touching the human female, from feeling my skin against hers, maybe from feeling dominant in bed with her (but also from feeling submissive, and knowing that I can pass on pleasurable feelings to her).

What also hurts about not getting sex over long is the sense of rejection, the hurt, and above all (often) the feeling that your partner just doesn't care enough for how you feel, despite the many times you've tried to tell her.

This has been a serious problem guys across the generations; for some reason, whenever we get into some after-dinner all-male talk (I'm not doing this too often), the topic invariably veers to how little sex they're getting after X years of marriage. Increasingly, and specially in the West, this is becoming a problem for women too, who feel their husbands are getting increasingly disinterested with sex.

Porn and vibrators can fill in for weeks. Even months. Not years or decades. 



MEM11363 said:


> The views below are mine and unrelated to those of the site sponsors.
> 
> Im going to start with a premise, and then with that as a foundation get into this topic.
> 
> ...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Holland,
If you know your partner is frustrated by your lower desire level, then it's a whole different ballgame. 

That's why I prefaced this with: right of first refusal

I'll put this a different way. I think a subset of the population is hurt / offended by their partners porn use. If I was with someone like that my posture would be very direct: If you want to take reaponsibility for fully satisfying my sexual desires that is fine by me. I strongly prefer to 'connect' with a lover than to self service. 

Sadly their are a lot of folks who want total authority over your sex 
life but no responsibility for ensuring you are satisfied. 



QUOTE=Holland;13434218]Hello MEM

Mr H and I are very evenly matched in regard to sex drive, there is the odd time where one of us is too tired or simply not up for it. All is good, at these times (maybe 5 times in 4 yrs) we are OK with the other going solo while in bed together, we hold each other and kiss then go to sleep ready for the next days adventures. Before we lived together and when he is away for work he watches porn and masturbates or does it without porn, that is all fine by me, who am I to curb his drive? I rarely watch porn on my own anymore when he is away as I have enough mind movies and my vibe to make it all happen when solo.

The key point is this is in the confines of "a healthy marriage" as you pointed out. In this situation it is very easy to not be upset, defensive, controlling of the other persons habits, angry, bitter and all the other emotions when it comes to porn v's vibe v's masturbation. When I was in a sexually dysfunctional marriage your post would have been very confronting.[/QUOTE]


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

MEM11363 said:


> Sadly their are a lot of folks who want total authority over your sex life but no responsibility for ensuring you are satisfied.


MEM, I am glad you verbalized this in this way.

I have wrestled with this specific dilemma (internally) frequently, without yet taking it up with F2. While we are much better than we were when we came here, her drive is still nowhere near mine. I would like 4+ times per week. She is content at once weekly average. Typically we end up at twice a week give or take. 

She very much dislikes the idea of me self servicing, likely largely due to my past history of problems with porn. However, I believe there is some control being being exerted by her in this dynamic as well. 

In fairness, this is rare. But I still think I see it pretty clearly.


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

It all depends on one's "figures", I guess. When we first got together, she wanted it every day (sometimes more than once a day), while I was happy with once every 2 or 2.5 days.

After 4-5 years of marriage, she began to lose interest.

After childbirth, she might have initiated sex once... rejected me maybe 300 times, and agrees to sex at best once a week. If I'm very lucky, twice.

My prefered frequency is still once every 2.5 days!

So porn alone could never fill the gap! There is still a longing, a sense of rejection, a how-could-you-be-so-callous attitude just beneath my skin....


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> Holland,
> If you know your partner is frustrated by your lower desire level, then it's a whole different ballgame.
> 
> That's why I prefaced this with: right of first refusal
> ...


I've never had a problem with porn, or with toys... until my ex-husband stopped fvcking me, and chose to use porn and masturbation instead.

Then I started to have a problem with porn.

I had asked him on more than one occasion if we could watch porn together. I asked him to use toys on me. Explore and play. But he had no interest. Maybe it bothered him that I suggested that. I know he thought it was abnormal that my sex drive was so high; I can only imagine that he thought my desire to have anything other than straight vanilla sex was abnormal, too.

I think the bolded part definitely applied to him, but in many more ways that in just sex. He wanted to control me, but didn't really care if I was happy. It just happened that the most obvious manifestation was in our sex life.

This was throughout the duration of our marriage. I didn't increase self-service to make up the deficit. When our sex life was healthy, I practiced self-service regularly on nights when he was working but I was home. But when the sex dropped off, so did the self-service... it just reminded me that I wasn't getting what I wanted in regards to our sex life. It was the orgasms I was missing, it was the skin-on-skin contact, the human connection.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Porn and toys are like bullets and cars. They can be used or abused. If someone is available to their partner then extracurricular and private activities like porn or toys are a non-issue.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> Holland,
> If you know your partner is frustrated by your lower desire level, then it's a whole different ballgame.
> 
> That's why I prefaced this with: right of first refusal
> ...


I totally agree MEM and yes sadly there are many that want control but no responsibility.
That is the difference between a healthy, balanced relationship and a dysfunctional one.

You know my situation, have had two relationships that are absolute polar opposites and even though I was not the denier in my marriage I learnt a lot from the pain it caused me which in turn has given me a great insight into how to have a functional sexual relationship.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Thundarr said:


> Porn and toys are like bullets and cars. They can be used or abused. If someone is available to their partner then extracurricular and private activities like porn or toys are a non-issue.


I like the way this is put.

I have no problem with porn or toys, either - within moderation.

I also do not believe in "right of first refusal" - provided one's partner isn't RIGHT THERE, or has otherwise shown interest in being intimate with you at that moment. In other words, to turn down your partner, then go off and masturbate = a big nope.

My wife got her first vibrator(s) a few years ago. 30+ years, and she had never used one before, so it was all new. I wouldn't say this type of thing was ever a "problem", but there were occasions where the vibrator won out over me, and I was hurt by it. Some discussions, and it hasn't happened again (or she's at least waited until I'm out of the house!) Exact same thing happened with my ex wife, where she discovered vibrators after we were married. With her, it DID become a problem, to the point where she would turn me down for sex, and within 5 minutes, was vibrating herself to ecstasy in the next room. (long story, but I used to work early mornings, so was in bed much earlier than her. Never had the same bedtime for years).

Here's the thing, though - vibrators are not penises. They can do things I can't. I get it. For my ex wife, especially, who never once had an orgasm by me, the vibrator was a god-send. She had a highly sensitive clitoris, and with the vibrator, she could be in control and use it in the areas around her clit, or over a towel. She had her first clitoral orgasms ever with that thing. And it took her a good two years before she was comfortable enough to use it with me present, or during sex. No justification for her to reject me, then literally go and get herself off right afterwards, but to her, they were two entirely different things.

My current wife wasn't as brazen with it when the first vibrator came along. She didn't reject me sexually, then go into the next room and get off right away. But she also has an earlier bedtime than I do, and there were a handful of occasions where she would reject sex with me ("too tired, up early tomorrow"), and then I'd hear her 10 or 15 minutes later when I had gone back downstairs... Not cool, of course, but we dealt with that, and it doesn't happen (like that, anyway) any more.

In any case, masturbation is not the same as sex, ESPECIALLY for women who use vibrators. It doesn't make it "okay" to reject your partner, then immediately go solo, but at the same time - it's something that's completely different, and for many women, it's often planned in advance, and looked forward to.

But as far as this thread goes, I don't believe that either partner needs to, essentially, check with their spouse prior to masturbating. Again, if your partner has shown no interest in sex with you that day, that minute, whatever, and you feel like a solo session - knock yourself out. If I hear my wife upstairs, and I'm downstairs, and I haven't shown her I was interested, that's my loss. (and if I hear her, I'm too late to join in!) I have no expectation of her having to announce that she's going to masturbate. And it really doesn't happen all that often, anyway. If and when she does, it's usually when I'm not home, and she can't be expected to wait for me.

It IS a slippery slope, however, and things can get out of control quickly. Like I said, my ex wife didn't give a crap. My current wife, when confronted about this when she first discovered vibrators, understood where I was coming from, and we see each others sides. I am welcome to join in, for example, and she will not do it (or at least keep it on the down-low) if I am otherwise available. But we are each entitled to masturbate when we want, provided it is not obviously a detriment to our mutual sex lives. I have caught her, she has caught me. Sometimes it leads to something, sometimes we just smile and go on with ourselves. And neither of us really do it all that often to begin with.


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## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

This is exactly the situation I'm in.
My wife if LL. She is fine with once or twice a month. That drives me to the point of resentment.
But what really bugs me is I know (even when I'm home) that she'll use her vibrator (one I bought for her in hopes of sparking excitement for us together), watch porn (which is surprising more hardcore than she would ever let me know - and believe me...horny resentlful husbands find ways to know). What I get is plain, vanilla missionary. She doesn't orgasm from penetration, she knows that, I know that, but she doesn't want more from me. Our sex is for my benefit...her vibrator time is for her benefit.

I swear one day I'm going to put my wedding bad on her vibrator, tape it, and walk out the door.

Sorry...just a rant.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I have no problem with porn. Or vibrators. (I happen to enjoy them both )

UNLESS they are being used to REPLACE an intimate connection with your partner.

(Sometimes I will send a sexy text to my SO... "Guess what I'm about to do?" It's all good (even better!) when he gets home.) Then I get a real run for my money. 

It's all about transparency...


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## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

CASE_Sensitive said:


> This is exactly the situation I'm in.
> My wife if LL. She is fine with once or twice a month. That drives me to the point of resentment.
> But what really bugs me is I know (even when I'm home) that she'll use her vibrator (one I bought for her in hopes of sparking excitement for us together), watch porn (which is surprising more hardcore than she would ever let me know - and believe me...horny resentlful husbands find ways to know). What I get is plain, vanilla missionary. She doesn't orgasm from penetration, she knows that, I know that, but she doesn't want more from me. Our sex is for my benefit...her vibrator time is for her benefit.
> 
> ...


When you say you get plain vanilla missionary, do you mean you've tried other things with her - positions, oral, etc that she refuses to do? 
In my experience, I've had ex's that just didn't seem to care or didn't seem to know whether I orgasmed. So yes, in my frustration, I would "finish off" in another room. Or I would have my own alone time to watch porn and masturbate. Like you said, I had my time and our time together was mainly for him. I thought this was normal. I understand now that I shouldn't have accepted this and communicated better about what I needed. 
Have you spoken to her about this? Have you asked her specifically what she needs? Have you tried spicing things up yourself in the bedroom? It sounds like she's bored and frustrated. Which you are too so you need to talk!!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

CASE_Sensitive said:


> This is exactly the situation I'm in.
> My wife if LL. She is fine with once or twice a month. That drives me to the point of resentment.
> But what really bugs me is I know (even when I'm home) that she'll use her vibrator (one I bought for her in hopes of sparking excitement for us together), watch porn (which is surprising more hardcore than she would ever let me know - and believe me...horny resentlful husbands find ways to know). What I get is plain, vanilla missionary. She doesn't orgasm from penetration, she knows that, I know that, but she doesn't want more from me. Our sex is for my benefit...her vibrator time is for her benefit.
> 
> ...



That must feel terrible! Your wife should be much more open about her sexuality. She should be sharing that with you, not hiding away and pretending she is some sexless martyr spreading her legs to take one for the team. How damned insulting can she be?

I think this is your wife:



> I think there might also be times when a woman is too timid to tell her H he isn't getting her there, she doesn't want to hurt his feelings, she's too shy to be open and explain what she needs from him. So she hides her masturbation from him and crosses her fingers that one day he will magically read her mind and be able to help her orgasm. Totally harmful to a marriage!


To which I would add "she feels too much shame about her sexuality to share it with her husband."

I really think you should rock the boat and insist she learn to include you in her inner most feelings, fears, and desires. You're her husband, you're not going to judge her a harlot because she has a sex drive or because she has fantasies that may be off the beaten path. You've got to get her to talk to you.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

The big difference, IMHO, is that porn is people and a vibrator is just a device. I do think that difference counts for something. 

Maybe I shouldn't care that my SO knows what practically every woman on the planet looks like naked, AND thinks they are all hotter and much more desirable than me. But I do.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

I miss the cat and mouse of sex, that back and forth between vulnerability and control. Porn just doesn't do it for me, I need the intimate closeness to feel satisfied.

Sometimes I'm not even focused on getting off, I've often thought about just falling asleep piv. Or having a woman just hold my c0ck like a leash in bed, that trumps porn for me.

Even sex, piv, no movement, just making out, that would turn me on.

And of course, sometimes I just want put a woman up against the wall, rip her clothes off, tug on her hair and fvck till she can't walk the next day.

Porn finds its place after 2 or 3 consecutive refusals, but it sure doesn't make me feel any better, it just distracts me from what I really want but can't have.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Over some time, due to mismatched drive and conflicting schedules. We have come to this agreement. It has improved the relationship. Personally I see some other hazards with porn so I avoid it. I do look forward to together time and we still have it regularly. The pressure is off and we are both happier.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

intheory said:


> @alexm I do agree that there is a danger of a woman's body getting used to vibrator orgasms. If she still has an active sex life with her partner; it's not reasonable to expect the penis to do what a mechanical device does.


That's the thing, though, it's really dependent on the personality of the people involved as well as the sexual interaction between them.

My ex wife enjoyed sex, initiated sex, wanted sex, but we were not physically compatible, and she never had a clitoral or vaginal orgasm from me. Gspot, sure (fingers), but clit was too sensitive for proper oral stimulation, and we didnt fit well as far as intercourse was concerned. In fact, she had never had an orgasm of any kind before me, until we discovered her gspot, and she (later) discovered vibrators. So as far as she and I were concerned, I can actually totally understand where she was coming from in that regard. Still not nice, still hurt me, but all the same. Once she got over herself and started bringing the vibrator into the bedroom with me present, our sex life recovered, but that took almost two years of the vibrator winning out and me getting pity sex a few times a month.

My current wife is highly, highly orgasmic, so it wasn't the same thing when she discovered vibrators. It's just that it was different. Completely, utterly different. It's not that I couldn't compete - we still had great sex, it's just that, all of a sudden, here was this thing that made her orgasm in a way that she never had before (not necessarily better, but you women will understand that orgasms can be very different depending on how one arrives at them).

But not only that, it was quicker, without all the things that are usually required with sex (ie. some amount of planning, foreplay, the mess, etc etc etc). Sometimes you just wanna get off in 2 minutes (or less), then roll over and go to sleep. The vibrator allowed her to do this. Totally understandable. So with her, I'm not being replaced at all, though it approached that level when it was "new", and I made sure to speak up. Now it's part of our sex life from time to time, and I have NO problem with that.

Besides, I'm of the age where I was in my late teens when the internet started taking off. One of the first things that people jumped on when the internet started becoming available in homes was porn. You'll bet your sweet a** I was all over that, especially as a 17 or 18 year old. Instantly (well, dial up internet...) accessible, free porn? Before the internet, I had to use my imagination or know somebody who's dad had a stash of videos somewhere (and even then, it'd be a bunch of 15 year old boys all watching porn at the same time. Awkward!)

But the excitement of instantly accessible, free porn, didn't last all that long - just like the newness of a vibrator to my wife didn't, either. But I get it. The summer of '94, I saw more porn than I have in the years since, or before, probably combined.

The problem was, with my ex wife, it became a replacement, just as so many women's husband replace them with porn. My current wife didn't have that issue. It was super exciting for her for a few months (hey, something totally new she had never experienced before!), but it didn't replace me, and has since become a part of our mutual sex lives. Major difference in personality AND physiology.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

I guess the question, or possible issue even for those in a healthy relationship, is there any sort of leeway if you service yourself and maybe b/c you did this you didn't initiate sex that day (you would have otherwise), wasn't into sex as much if you had it that day b/c you had already expended sexual energy, etc...

Maybe a better way to explain, I can think back to a long while ago. I was feeling frisky and messing around with my wife going up the stairs in the daytime, just some teasing until we got the kids to bed at night. She was all for it, but she told me she already had her fun with toys while I was at the gym in the morning, so basically saying she already had taken care of herself. She had no problem being a willing participant at night, but basically it was on me since she was good. Needless to say I got rather annoyed at this, which I think was justified. Never had an issue with toys, etc... but this seems to go well above the intended use in my mind.

So isn't that always the risk with self service, there is always the chance it has some impact on your relationship? If I went and fired off the skin pistol in the morning, had sex with my wife later on with performance not being an issue, but maybe wasn't quite as into it since I had expended some sexual energy earlier on, would that be considered a negative? I know part of my wife's satisfaction (and likewise with me) is when I really get into it, so anything less would also impact her satisfaction negatively.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I see that as more the difference between men and women rather than between porn and vibes.

I think the key is that masturbation with the sex aids of your choice is fine as long as it doesn't interfere with your sex life with your partner. 






peacem said:


> For me I see a one big difference between porn and vibrators. *For me* I can use a vibe morning, noon and night and still be up for it with my H. The more O's I have the more I want. I do not get bored of it. I do get that feeling of sexual release but I can quickly muster up some more of that energy if I want or H wants. I can literally use a vibe in the shower before bed and then have very good orgasmic sex with my H (in fact it kind of primes me for sex). For H - after the age of 40 - once he had masturbated to porn in the morning even by the evening there was no fuel in the tank for me. So I guess the vibes were less of a threat to him than porn was to me. If that makes sense.


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## LainyLove22 (Aug 22, 2015)

peacem said:


> For me I see a one big difference between porn and vibrators. *For me* I can use a vibe morning, noon and night and still be up for it with my H. The more O's I have the more I want. I do not get bored of it. I do get that feeling of sexual release but I can quickly muster up some more of that energy if I want or H wants. I can literally use a vibe in the shower before bed and then have very good orgasmic sex with my H (in fact it kind of primes me for sex). For H - after the age of 40 - once he had masturbated to porn in the morning even by the evening there was no fuel in the tank for me. So I guess the vibes were less of a threat to him than porn was to me. If that makes sense.


I'm very much the same way :smile2: especially the days prior to my monthly visitor. Masturbaring has never made me not in the mood later on for some loving ...... if anything it probably makes me even more aroused. 

A man especially as he ages does often have a significant longer refractory period so any kind of porn or mastrubating will leave his wife or girlfriend all alone to just use her vibrator instead !?


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

EllisRedding said:


> I guess the question, or possible issue even for those in a healthy relationship, is there any sort of leeway if you service yourself and maybe b/c you did this you didn't initiate sex that day (you would have otherwise), wasn't into sex as much if you had it that day b/c you had already expended sexual energy, etc...
> 
> Maybe a better way to explain, I can think back to a long while ago. I was feeling frisky and messing around with my wife going up the stairs in the daytime, just some teasing until we got the kids to bed at night. She was all for it, but she told me she already had her fun with toys while I was at the gym in the morning, so basically saying she already had taken care of herself. She had no problem being a willing participant at night, but basically it was on me since she was good. Needless to say I got rather annoyed at this, which I think was justified. Never had an issue with toys, etc... but this seems to go well above the intended use in my mind.
> 
> So isn't that always the risk with self service, there is always the chance it has some impact on your relationship? If I went and fired off the skin pistol in the morning, had sex with my wife later on with performance not being an issue, but maybe wasn't quite as into it since I had expended some sexual energy earlier on, would that be considered a negative? I know part of my wife's satisfaction (and likewise with me) is when I really get into it, so anything less would also impact her satisfaction negatively.


Ellis,
I undoubtedly believe that for a male, self service will diminish, to some degree, your need or want in that particular time frame.

The degree and time frame are the relatives. We are talking about hormones and receptors, so the answer is Yes.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Well said Mr. Redding. 




EllisRedding said:


> I guess the question, or possible issue even for those in a healthy relationship, is there any sort of leeway if you service yourself and maybe b/c you did this you didn't initiate sex that day (you would have otherwise), wasn't into sex as much if you had it that day b/c you had already expended sexual energy, etc...
> 
> Maybe a better way to explain, I can think back to a long while ago. I was feeling frisky and messing around with my wife going up the stairs in the daytime, just some teasing until we got the kids to bed at night. She was all for it, but she told me she already had her fun with toys while I was at the gym in the morning, so basically saying she already had taken care of herself. She had no problem being a willing participant at night, but basically it was on me since she was good. Needless to say I got rather annoyed at this, which I think was justified. Never had an issue with toys, etc... but this seems to go well above the intended use in my mind.
> 
> So isn't that always the risk with self service, there is always the chance it has some impact on your relationship? If I went and fired off the skin pistol in the morning, had sex with my wife later on with performance not being an issue, but maybe wasn't quite as into it since I had expended some sexual energy earlier on, would that be considered a negative? I know part of my wife's satisfaction (and likewise with me) is when I really get into it, so anything less would also impact her satisfaction negatively.


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## leon2100 (May 13, 2015)

My wife isn't into porn, but she is in to her vibrator. Here's the interesting thing.
she won't use the vibrator unless we're engaged in PIV nor will she seldom engage in PIV without using her vibrator.

Her reason: she wants multiple orgasms but doesn't want t take hours to have them.. so she can have 6 - 8 iin moments, but she can't have them unless I'm in her. Strange woman!!


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