# Passive aggressive behavior?



## B-you (Mar 27, 2016)

I don't want to be too presumptuous in labeling my husband, but I think he has a passive aggressive personality. I have also researched Narcissistic personality disorder, but I think his behaviors are more aligned with PAD. Does anyone have any experience dealing with someone like this? It makes for a very unstable and precarious environment as you never know if you are interacting with the former or latter part of the personality type. Hence, you don't know how to respond. I think this is like gaslighting. They like to sit on the fence, so you can never pin them down verbally, so they don't have to accept accountability for anything besides making you frustrated and angry. And half the time, you are sitting there like "what just happened?"


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

B-you said:


> I don't want to be too presumptuous in labeling my husband, but I think he has a passive aggressive personality. I have also researched Narcissistic personality disorder, but I think his behaviors are more aligned with PAD. Does anyone have any experience dealing with someone like this? It makes for a very unstable and precarious environment as you never know if you are interacting with the former or latter part of the personality type. Hence, you don't know how to respond. I think this is like gaslighting. They like to sit on the fence, so you can never pin them down verbally, so they don't have to accept accountability for anything besides making you frustrated and angry. And half the time, you are sitting there like "what just happened?"


I'd almost guarantee he isn't narcissistic. It is attributed to disconnected spouses far more than you can imagine, whereas only 1% of the population might actually be diagnosable with it.

Passive-Aggressive? In some ways every human on the planet behaves in this way. I would indicate that I have too much experience with this trait. You have to realize that they feed off of the energy that you exert because you fear their emotional reaction. How should you react? Let them do it. Let them have their display. Don't give in. This doesn't mean that they need to be punished or not given love.

If your husband says "Whatever" and walks away, then give him the space he has verbally requested. He doesn't want space, so you will put him in quite the personal predicament very soon after.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

My husband for sure has passive aggressive personality. We are on the brink of a divorce. His behavior makes me crazy and I get so angry I think I'm loosing my mind. Someone just sent me an amazing article about this...


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

http://www.angriesout.com/couples8.htm


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## B-you (Mar 27, 2016)

Thanks for your response. I'm new to the forum, so I'm still learning how to navigate. If you don't mind, can you elaborate on some of the things your husband did or can you send me a message, if you are more comfortable with that. I'm just trying to get some perspective on this crazy making behavior, so I can make some decisions about my marriage as well. I will also check out the article.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

If you check out my posts you will see some of the issues I've been dealing with. But that article is really good, it sums up everything nicely. Basically my husband does whatever he wants. He says one thing and does another and never acknowledges any wrong, he's never apologized to me ever. He says things like I love you so much and I respect you but he acts differently. He is manipulative. And he is so afraid of conflict that he will do anything to get out of it, like lie, deny, defend his behavior, change the subjects, blame me, and one of the big things he does is turn it around and he makes it about himself... I am such a horrible husband, I'm not good enough for you, I try so hard to make you happy but your never happy blah blah. Um no all I need you to do is acknowledge your wrong doings that's it, ur not horrible... But he still can't do it. I usually loose my temper bc these people make you go crazy and make you go insane, and then he gets mad bc I lost my temper and it's all about him again. It's really difficult to deal with. I have showed him articles on PAD, highlighted things gave him examples of how he is like this. He doesn't see it. Never will. He won't go to therapy. He is right and I am wrong. During s fight it is impossible or to keep him focused on one issue. When the evidence is mounting against him, he brings up somthing else. He will pull all stops before acknowledging any fault. 
He is the victim. He's a master manipulator. He makes you feel like your insane bc you can never get through to him. We can argue and go round and round forever. It's exhausting.


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## B-you (Mar 27, 2016)

Wow... That is uncanny. It's like we are talking about the same person. I will look at your other posts, but from the examples you gave, you painted a very clear picture.
My husband will say one thing and do another. Not too long ago he wanted to go see a movie. He was very excited about and asked me to look up times and check on getting advanced tickets. I do all of this, and he suddenly decides he doesn't want to go after talking about it for days. He said, well, I am entitled to change my mind, aren't I?
I have asked my husband if he wants a divorce. He will say no, emphatically, but then act so depressed around me.
He can't handle conflict. It is always my fault and if he gets backed into a corner, he then starts to call me a drama queen and blames me for giving him a migraine.
He will say that I don't spend enough time with him, so when I make the effort to spend time, he acts obnoxious and aloof like he doesn't want me there. His goal, obviously, is to keep me off balance. I guess he feels like a conductor overseeing this twisted tango.


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## Síocháin (Mar 11, 2016)

PA's will make you crazy. It took me a long time to learn how to deal with it. The key is, just don't. Do not engage.

Do not ask them to do anything you can do yourself. If you can't do it, find (hire) someone who can. Whey they say "I could/would have done that", do not acknowledge. When they say "all you have to do is ask for help", do not acknowledge. Just look at him for a few seconds and walk away. 
Do not believe what they say, ONLY what they do. 
Do not rely on them because you will be let down. 
ENJOY the silent treatment. No drama. I go about my business like there is nothing at all going on. Because to me, there isn't. 
And when on the rare occasions, they explode. DO NOT RESPOND. Let them own their own hatefulness. I just stare at him like he's lost his mind and I say NOTHING. There can only be argument if there are 2 or more people. Take yourself out of the equation. 
Know that they will throw you under the bus to EVERYONE in order to avoid conflict. BUT, they will smile in your face and say they got your back. 
Start writing it down. Put down what they say, date & time. They will say "I don't remember saying that" OR deny it completely. Writing it down is for you so you don't feel like you are loosing your mind.

These are just some of the situations I have seen with my marriage. I have only been dealing with it differently for a little while. Takes a lot of practice not to revert back to what I used to do which clearly wasn't working. Also, I came to realize that it's not me, it's him. Not that I don't have my problems, because I do and I am in IC to deal with them. But if you change the dynamic, your partner has to change how he/she responds as well.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

B-you said:


> Does anyone have any experience dealing with someone like this?


Yes, I have 20 years experience dealing with someone just like this. I divorced him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I decided that both my mother and exH are passive agressive.

One parting remark that my exH made was that the more I asked him to do or not do something, the more he wanted to do the exact opposite.

So much for open honest communication.

I had to come to terms that my mother is PA. She rarely says anything on principle.

For example, for a long time (70s, 80s) my parents would say that the US Federal government was the best employer in the world. I remember once as I was agraduating from grad school, getting excited at the prospect that I knew that an alumna from school worked for a Federal agency that I was interested in. 

She took about a minute to respond and asked simply "Have you thought about private industry." No bonding, no empathizing, no sharing of excitement.

And so it went with my mother in more and in less obvious ways.

I don't share with her anymore. As far as she is concerned, everything about my life is fine. Otherwise, sharing any info about me is the same as helping her with "material" (yeah, like a comedian") to ridicule me.

Thankfully, my second husband is not like that.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

B-you said:


> I don't want to be too presumptuous in labeling my husband, but I think he has a passive aggressive personality. I have also researched Narcissistic personality disorder, but I think his behaviors are more aligned with PAD. Does anyone have any experience dealing with someone like this? It makes for a very unstable and precarious environment as you never know if you are interacting with the former or latter part of the personality type. Hence, you don't know how to respond. I think this is like gaslighting. They like to sit on the fence, so you can never pin them down verbally, so they don't have to accept accountability for anything besides making you frustrated and angry. And half the time, you are sitting there like "what just happened?"


Passive-aggressive people tend to needle things, poke the bear and then sit back and watch the show. What behaviors specifically? He wants to go out to his favorite taco stand for dinner so he purposely "forgets" to take something out of the freezer for dinner? Manipulative, aggressive in a passive manner. By being passive they manage to avoid responsibility because, as you noted, they sit on the fence.


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## B-you (Mar 27, 2016)

WhyMe66 said:


> Passive-aggressive people tend to needle things, poke the bear and then sit back and watch the show. What behaviors specifically? He wants to go out to his favorite taco stand for dinner so he purposely "forgets" to take something out of the freezer for dinner? Manipulative, aggressive in a passive manner. By being passive they manage to avoid responsibility because, as you noted, they sit on the fence.


For example, he had been talking about getting takeout from a new restaurant the entire morning. I was excited to try the place as well.

I told him I would go get it b/c I knew he was tired. No honey, he said, you've been working hard too, I will go pick it up at 6p. Then 7p came.

When I questioned him about and reiterated how I offered to go get it, he got irritated and stated that I acted like he did this on purpose. He's right, I think he knew time was slipping away, but he ignored it and decided that he didn't feel like going and he would just get us something else. Because the restaurant closed at 7, I really didn't have a choice. He further went on to say, why should I be mad. It's not like it's the only restaurant on the planet and by the way, I'm offering to go get you something now.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

B-you said:


> For example, he had been talking about getting takeout from a new restaurant the entire morning. I was excited to try the place as well.
> 
> I told him I would go get it b/c I knew he was tired. No honey, he said, you've been working hard too, I will go pick it up at 6p. Then 7p came.
> 
> When I questioned him about and reiterated how I offered to go get it, he got irritated and stated that I acted like he did this on purpose. He's right, I think he knew time was slipping away, but he ignored it and decided that he didn't feel like going and he would just get us something else. Because the restaurant closed at 7, I really didn't have a choice. He further went on to say, why should I be mad. It's not like it's the only restaurant on the planet and by the way, I'm offering to go get you something now.


Yes, classic passive-aggressive, mixed in with a little spoiled brat. I would suggest that next time he does this, don't say a word. When the time rolls around and he hasn't gone go make yourself a PB&J. Let him figure it out, hold his feet to the fire.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

B-you said:


> Wow... That is uncanny. It's like we are talking about the same person. I will look at your other posts, but from the examples you gave, you painted a very clear picture.
> My husband will say one thing and do another. Not too long ago he wanted to go see a movie. He was very excited about and asked me to look up times and check on getting advanced tickets. I do all of this, and he suddenly decides he doesn't want to go after talking about it for days. He said, well, I am entitled to change my mind, aren't I?
> I have asked my husband if he wants a divorce. He will say no, emphatically, but then act so depressed around me.
> He can't handle conflict. It is always my fault and if he gets backed into a corner, he then starts to call me a drama queen and blames me for giving him a migraine.
> He will say that I don't spend enough time with him, so when I make the effort to spend time, he acts obnoxious and aloof like he doesn't want me there. His goal, obviously, is to keep me off balance. I guess he feels like a conductor overseeing this twisted tango.


Wow!

With your mastery of the English language he must be the Master Tap Dancer.

It is hard to hit a moving target.
It is impossible to hit a puff of air, a mere wisp of a man.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Síocháin said:


> PA's will make you crazy. It took me a long time to learn how to deal with it. The key is, just don't. Do not engage.
> 
> Do not ask them to do anything you can do yourself. If you can't do it, find (hire) someone who can. Whey they say "I could/would have done that", do not acknowledge. When they say "all you have to do is ask for help", do not acknowledge. Just look at him for a few seconds and walk away.
> Do not believe what they say, ONLY what they do.
> ...


God, why do you live like this?

Knowing what you obviously know and feel, why not move to a better spot on the beach. 

Get off the rocks!


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Síocháin said:


> PA's will make you crazy. It took me a long time to learn how to deal with it. The key is, just don't. Do not engage.
> 
> Do not ask them to do anything you can do yourself. If you can't do it, find (hire) someone who can. Whey they say "I could/would have done that", do not acknowledge. When they say "all you have to do is ask for help", do not acknowledge. Just look at him for a few seconds and walk away.
> Do not believe what they say, ONLY what they do.
> ...


a great instruction list on HOW to be passive aggressive...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

NextTimeAround said:


> I decided that both my mother and exH are passive aggressive.
> 
> One parting remark that my exH made was that the more I asked him to do or not do something, the more he wanted to do the exact opposite.


Well, at least yours said it out loud.

I have a list of about 20 things that need to be taken care of at our house. Some haven't been fixed in 13 years, like holes in the ceiling. These are things I don't know how to do. I've never paid someone else to do them because he throws a fit and makes my life miserable. Now we're so in debt I can't afford to pay someone anyway.

The point is, he won't do ANYTHING if I ask him to do it. BECAUSE I ask him to do it. For 35+ years, if I ask him to do something, even if I tell him I would do it myself but I don't know how, he will look me right in the eyes, not say a word, turn around, and either go lay down on the couch and go to sleep, or go do something HE wants to do (obviously none of the things on the list). 

The last time we fought, I told him that I had come to the conclusion that, if I need something done, really need it done, I have started asking him to do something ELSE. Why? he asked. Well, I replied, I have discovered over the past 3 1/2 decades that you will never do anything I ask you to do. But you WILL go do something else. So I realized I have a better chance of him actually picking what I DO want done out of spite, if I don't ask for it, than I do actually asking for it. 

He had no response. But he still won't do what I ask.

My IC's response was to give me the name of a handyman to call. She said nothing will ever change until I stop handing him my power.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

turnera said:


> Well, at least yours said it out loud.
> 
> I have a list of about 20 things that need to be taken care of at our house. Some haven't been fixed in 13 years, like holes in the ceiling. These are things I don't know how to do. I've never paid someone else to do them because he throws a fit and makes my life miserable. Now we're so in debt I can't afford to pay someone anyway.
> 
> ...


I did find with my exH that if I mentioned default plans, he would do what I asked him to do.

His brother was an even bigger PA. Even kind civil words to him would be sh!t upon. For example, when we all spent weekends at MIL, one time I said "good morning" only for him to look at his watch for sometime and then say "it's not morning anymore." No smile, no hello back.

On another occasion, I said good morning to him on my way out to jog. I came back his wife was the kitchen table. I said good morning to her and he said to me, "you already said good morning." oh dear. And the brother was also rude to my exH.

I've also decided not to be too clever with a PA. Just think, the one time you say the opposite of what you want, that's when they will do exactly that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

NextTimeAround said:


> I did find with my exH that if I mentioned default plans, he would do what I asked him to do.


That's exactly what I've discovered. My H thinks nobody - especially me - can do anything better than him. So when our new toilet had sat uninstalled for three years, I decided I would try to install it myself. So I watched videos, printed out instructions, and went to get tools from the garage. All it took was me showing him the tools and asking him if they were the correct ones (What are those for?) (I decided I'd try to install the toilet since you're too busy), and he miraculously instantly had time to jump off the bed and install it himself. You know, since I would have done it wrong.

Of course, the problem with that is that it gives him ammunition to use against me - "I never have control over my own life; you're always dictating what I have to do."

And of course, you can't argue _that _position with a PA because it's ambiguous.

And of course, the solution to THAT is what all therapists will tell you: You have to learn to not react to the passive aggressiveness, to not let it get to you.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

turnera said:


> That's exactly what I've discovered. My H thinks nobody - especially me - can do anything better than him. So when our new toilet had sat uninstalled for three years, I decided I would try to install it myself. So I watched videos, printed out instructions, and went to get tools from the garage. All it took was me showing him the tools and asking him if they were the correct ones (What are those for?) (I decided I'd try to install the toilet since you're too busy), and he miraculously instantly had time to jump off the bed and install it himself. You know, since I would have done it wrong.
> 
> Of course, the problem with that is that it gives him ammunition to use against me - "I never have control over my own life; you're always dictating what I have to do."
> 
> ...


Guess that's advice that I can use in the other thread.


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## skyraider (Aug 6, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> If you check out my posts you will see some of the issues I've been dealing with. But that article is really good, it sums up everything nicely. Basically my husband does whatever he wants. He says one thing and does another and never acknowledges any wrong, he's never apologized to me ever. He says things like I love you so much and I respect you but he acts differently. He is manipulative. And he is so afraid of conflict that he will do anything to get out of it, like lie, deny, defend his behavior, change the subjects, blame me, and one of the big things he does is turn it around and he makes it about himself... I am such a horrible husband, I'm not good enough for you, I try so hard to make you happy but your never happy blah blah. Um no all I need you to do is acknowledge your wrong doings that's it, ur not horrible... But he still can't do it. I usually loose my temper bc these people make you go crazy and make you go insane, and then he gets mad bc I lost my temper and it's all about him again. It's really difficult to deal with. I have showed him articles on PAD, highlighted things gave him examples of how he is like this. He doesn't see it. Never will. He won't go to therapy. He is right and I am wrong. During s fight it is impossible or to keep him focused on one issue. When the evidence is mounting against him, he brings up something else. He will pull all stops before acknowledging any fault.
> He is the victim. He's a master manipulator. He makes you feel like your insane bc you can never get through to him. We can argue and go round and round forever. It's exhausting.



Hi,,,I am responding to your dilemma. I am a male with PAD and yes we act or I act just like your husband, but I know with I act out because I have ask my wife to catch me at it. Yes, we will drive your to tears, and yelling and we get quiet and never say a word while you rant and rave. Yes we tell you we love you and maybe for a few days all is well, and then boom, it starts again. I can start the darn diss arguments and then cant remember what they were about. ...I have done it all, but now thru a recovery group based on the 12 step program and I am reading more in here on my behavior, things are improving....I pray a lot, and read the Bible and we have discussions at recovery on the things we have read between meetings..no one calls you down, all individuals that want to talk about their dilemmas in life are heard and input from others can be expressed and directed to you, but no one is judged for what they have done.....all is faith based, and we use Biblical references when we need help...my conclusion on all kinds of disorders can be healed or controlled by God's word, but you gotta go to meetings and be willing to change,,,PAD will kill your marriage , and cause the PAD to lose many a good job and you will ( the PAD person will be angry for ever). I am tired of being angry, it will kill you socially...imho.


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