# How much time is too much time to spend with the in laws?



## DazedandConfused01

My H spends 3 or 4 nights a week sometimes with his family. He wants to be with them all the time and I find myself elaborating excuses so I don't have to be around with them all the time. Sometimes I just want to spend a night at home with him and all he wants to do if spend it with his family, mostly his brother. I have tried talking about it with him and he blames it on being bored and being disconnected from his old friends. 

It's turning into a big problem, I feel like I'm overdosing on his family and he feels like I hate them.


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## Zapp Rowsdower

This is similar to a problem I'm having. My wife is on the phone constantly with her mother and brother, and while I'm at work she goes down there every day. She complains that it's just "too hard" to stay at home with our two kids (2 1/2 yrs. and 6 mos. old) by herself.

Worse, I feel like her mother, and even her brother, have more say in the raising of these children than I do. She will not listen to my suggestions for what we should so, but if her mother suggests *the exact same thing* she will do it. There are many things she says we're doing, after discussion with her mom and brother. (Her father, bless him, is completely dominated by her mother.)

I thought my own mother was overprotective, but my MIL puts everything in perspective. And it's leading to massive strain on our marriage, because my wife is extremely overprotective of our older child (who is developmentally delayed). She won't even let me take him to the library to play in the toy area, for fear that he might get sick!

Marriage counselling is coming up next week. We'll have to see what happens, but I think it's going to come down to her having to choose between me and her family, and I have no doubt which way she'll go. (And to be honest, I don't care anymore.)


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## FirstYearDown

People need to learn to shift their allegiances when they get married. Where is the time to deepen the bond with your spouse if you are always around Mommy and Daddy?

We see my family of origin once a month. We only go because I love my nieces and my father. In fact, we would visit more often if my overbearing and crazy mother was dead. 

A prime example would be last Sunday. I went to see my brother and his wife because they were visiting from NYC. My mother started needling my husband and I about a woman's role in marriage-this is one of her favorite topics. La Maman firmly believes that a wife should wait on her husband hand and foot. 

We do not have that kind of marriage and it urks her, so La Maman loves to pry into our business. Constant questions to my husband about whether or not I am cooking or cleaning enough. "What would you do if (my name) wouldn't cook?"  

My husband hates it, so I tell my father who scolds my mom. She doesn't care if she hurts our feelings but she cares when my dad lays into her. 

I let my guard down too much and I began to talk on the phone with my mother recently. She started asking about things that are none of her business, such as "How much is your rent in your new place? How much does the table that you want cost?" La Maman also loves to tell us how to decorate OUR home.


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## that_girl

We see my mom about 1 time every 6 weeks.

We don't talk to Hubs' crazy-ass family.

It's wonderful.


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## Doghouse

Hi I have a very similar problem we got married about 4 years ago and she has always been very close to her parents but 2 years ago we had a little girl and we moved into a house near her parents ever since she spends the majority of her time there I am away from home a few nights a week but when I'm home she wants to go round there I would say we probably spend 1 night at home together the rest of the time we are at her parents when I speak to her about it she goes crazy I don't want to spend all my time there I want to be at home with MY family (my wife and my daughter) I'm getting to the point where I don't know what to do and I'm thinking about leaving but when I say it to her she just says go then leave I feel like I married her parents and not her!


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## frusdil

Doghouse said:


> Hi I have a very similar problem we got married about 4 years ago and she has always been very close to her parents but 2 years ago we had a little girl and we moved into a house near her parents ever since she spends the majority of her time there I am away from home a few nights a week but when I'm home she wants to go round there I would say we probably spend 1 night at home together the rest of the time we are at her parents when I speak to her about it she goes crazy I don't want to spend all my time there I want to be at home with MY family (my wife and my daughter) I'm getting to the point where I don't know what to do and I'm thinking about leaving but when I say it to her she just says go then leave I feel like I married her parents and not her!


I'm sorry you're in that situation, that's f'd up 

Your wife needs to grow up, cut the apron strings and get her priorities right. When you get married, your spouse becomes your immediate family, your family of origin becomes your extended family.

Don't get me wrong, I love my family - my husband does too, more than his own (I can't stand my in-laws) - but my husband comes first. I talk to mum on the phone (dad died 18 months ago) a couple of times a week, and we don't have a set day when we visit, some weeks I'll see her a lot, others not at all. My husband went away for work for a week recently and I didn't see mum at all.

I don't understand adults that cling to their parents like that, to be frank, it's pathetic.


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