# Rejected by both families



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

I was trying to think of some subtler way to ask this, but I couldn't think of a good way to do this, so forget being subtle. 

For a quick recap:
Dad cheated on mom
She figured out, gave second chance (unknown to me) which he faked a R
She filed, 
He asked me to beg her for a second I chance 
I...kinda went along with it 
Failed, she became distant with me
Got in fist fights with dad
They divorced, both moved, new life. And ostracized by both parents at this point. 

Then around this time last year:
Dad asked me to be best man
I was torn, asked the forum, couldn't get a straight answer, and ended up being the first man. Regret it greatly. 
Dad and I got in a fight a few months back. We aren't talking anymore. 

Mom has been getting better compared to where she was. She got involved with church, stopped being bitter about dad, has friends, is going out with her friends, and is living a better life. 
I am happy for her. I didn't want to see her destroyed by this. And I think she is finally healing. 
But she doesn't really treat me like a son. I feel like she was just slowly cutting me out of her life. 

Today, she told me that my grandparents don't want me coming to Thanksgiving. Since I was the best man in my dad's wedding, they don't want me in their house. 
So...I am now uninvited to Thanksgiving on my mom's side of the family. 
And because of my behavior at the wedding, and the strained relationship with my dad, I doubt I'll be invited to that Thanksgiving dinner. 

So what happens? 
Any BS ever cut their kids out of their life? To try and heal? Or any WS ever do that? 
I always thought that at least one of the spouses would want to have the kids. 
Instead, mom has her little baby, my brother. 
Dad has his little girl, my sister. 
And I am left feeling like the last pick for kickball in gym, with the two teams arguing which gets stuck with me.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Parents break up and place you in the middle. Nice safe way to blame each other through you. Tell them all to grow up.

What did dad do, use your d!ck to cheat?


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Q tip said:


> Parents break up and place you in the middle. Nice safe way to blame each other through you. Tell them all to grow up.


Yea...what the hell does that do? 

I am still uninvited to Thanksgiving with both families. 
My dad already got whatever the hell he could have wanted from me. 
I am still the unwanted step child to my mom and her side of the family. 

Do people actually do this? Place their kids in the middle and make them the punching bag? 



> What did dad do, use your d!ck to cheat?


Ok, I'll give you credit, that made me laugh.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Broken at 20 said:


> I was trying to think of some subtler way to ask this, but I couldn't think of a good way to do this, so forget being subtle.
> 
> For a quick recap:
> Dad cheated on mom
> ...


That's so sad I could never turn my back on my son no matter what he did. You shouldn't blame yourself for their behavior. They should've never put you in the middle of there problems.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

It's disgusting. You've essentially been disowned.
I'd probably go to both uninvited homes on Thanksgiving and make a big, showy, heartfelt speech to everyone present about the disgusting show of parental (and grandparent) love and support, then leave and go feed people at a homeless shelter where they'd at least appreciate your presence.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

2xloser said:


> It's disgusting. You've essentially been disowned.
> I'd probably go to both uninvited homes on Thanksgiving and make a big, showy, heartfelt speech to everyone present about the disgusting show of parental (and grandparent) love and support, then leave and go feed people at a homeless shelter where they'd at least appreciate your presence.


Well, my moms side of the family goes to the grandparents. 
A 2.5 hour drive, so going there to just go there for a few hours is not really an option. 
And my dad's side of the family is another 45 minute drive. 

I don't want to spend all day in my car to go to two family dinners, when I am wanted at neither. 
I just want to be somewhere that I can at least spend some time with some family, or friends. 

Feel depressed when a homeless shelter is the most attractive place to spend THanksgiving, because I am wanted no where else.


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## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

Do you have friends you can get together with? If you do try to get together with them and tell the family to pound salt up their ass.go no contact on your family past the next three holidays unless you hear from them.no calls,no cards ,no presents.no nothing.this sounds like childish bullshyt.sooner or later they will need something from you.good luck!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Maybe you can move out of your mom's residence and live on your own. You already said in other threads that your mother stopped caring about you and that she'd rather go to Thanksgivings at her parents house where you're not invited. What the hell kind of grandparents are these anyway? You have a very dysfunctional family to say the least.

And do you not have any friends or a girlfriend? Maybe its time you cut them both out of your life and live on your own with your own family/friends.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

You deserve so much better. I've read your posts since the beginning. While your mother may not be the adulterer that your father was, she's no better than he is, in my opinion. 

Adults can, and do, do horrible things to one another, but turning your back on your own child is beyond my comprehension. Parents should never put their children in the middle of their issues, they should never expect their children to take sides. They should try to foster and encourage healthy relationships between all family members unless they genuinely believe that those relationships would be toxic and unhealthy for their children. And, yes, I know that you are an adult, but you are still their child and you always will be. 

I am so, so sorry that you are the product of two such selfish parents, and apparently grandparents, as well, who have, and continue, to put their own selfish desires ahead of their children's needs. 

If I were your mother and you were unwelcome at my parent's house for Thanksgiving, I would not be attending Thanksgiving at their house, either. I'd be staying home and cooking for my children. 

I'm so sorry. If nothing else, one day, if you ever have children of your own, you'll know what not to do. For good or for bad, parents teach their children by their example. Sometimes, they teach you what kind of person you want to be. And, sometimes, they teach you what kind of person you don't want to be. (((HUGS)))


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

I have followed your story from the beginning and I'm sorry the situation hasn't improved.

Your parents should be ashamed of themselves, but it seems they are so self absorbed they don't realize that they are failing as parents.

I am assuming that you live at home with your mom, is that correct? Does she have conversations with you? It's truly horrible that she had you uninvited from Thanksgiving dinner with your grandparents. Not to mention incredibly immature on her part. 

Have you told her how your father manipulated you into being his best man? 
Would she consider going with you to a family therapist?
If she isn't willing to talk with you then perhaps you could write her a heartfelt letter explaining things from your side. 
If she refuses to work on the relationship with you, consider building a new "family" of friends. Sometimes we have to let toxic people go....even our mothers.

I'm so sorry that you are caught in such a difficult situation.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Both of your parents are behaving immaturely. Could have been the real reason for their problems. It is always sad when the kids have to be the mature ones in the family while parents misbehave.

You should be disowning them and not the other way around. Not all kids are lucky enough to have a supermom like EI or superdad like the many we have read about here including LuvMyJava etc.

All I can say is, maybe they will come round and mature up one day but don't hold your breath. Get on with your life and don't let them mess around with your mind anymore.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Yup I'd stop being used as the emotional punch bag because your mother and father can't go direct and take lumps out of each other.

Hopefully the relationship between you and your other siblings is strong/ok.

May be hard but I'd talk to your father and mother and tell them how you feel, if they're still posing afterwards then just cut them out and live your life man. You can't force them to do anything, if they can't see how unfair they are being then that's up to them.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Invite them to your place for some coffee or tea and a cookie or something and talk with them. If they don't want to come to your place or you don't, ask them to a nice little diner or restaurant for a bite to eat. Ask the wait staff to place you in a quiet corner and tip them well. 

You can have a slew of questions written and pick out the ones that will get to the point quickly when you see them. Once you have done this, you can make your decision about seeing them. You can tell them what you have decided later, after you think about all the responses you get. 

Good luck.

ETA: Don't take the paper your questions are written on. I just thought writing them down and reading them over beforehand would help you pick the most important points to ask.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

I am not sure if this will receive positive feedback.

Cut them out of your life. They are toxic.

Love them from a distance.

Use the energy that you are aiming towards them, and focus solely on you.

Use this fervor to prove to them that you don't need them.

Create a new circle around you. Fill its ranks full of positive and encouraging people. 

Keep your communication with your parents to a minimum. 

Yes it is family, but your well being comes first. There are stories of children divorcing their parents, and they are better for it.

It doesn't mean that you don't love them, it means your improving yourself, and you want people around you that care about you enough to consider you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Invite your 'mother' to YOUR Thanks giving.

If she says "no" say "I never asked to be born into the family of you and dad. I had no choice in that.

You are not treating me as your son. That is down to you. You have the luxury of treating me as a mistake and running back to your family and pretending that I don't exist. I am not blaming you for dad cheating on you. But I am blaming you for your behaviour to me. Thanksgiving is a time for giving thanks, not acting like a spoilt brat and taking out your mistakes on innocent non-combatants. You are going to have to remember to be a damn adult the sooner the better. Because eventually you will lose me and you will never be a grandmother."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

I just had another idea. Learn to detach from your parents. 

Be free from their circle of drama by letting go.

Letting go will help you gain freedom.

Right now your attachment to them is causing you suffering, and tthe only way to be free is detachment. 

You won't then have expectations, let downs, grief, and you can improve your life. 

You will expend less time and energy on them, and you can use it to get a better job, concentrate on school, focus towards your goals. It will be less mentally exhausting too.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

those who are telling you to detach are spot on i think. 

basically, you need to move on with your life, away from them, until it doesnt bother you to tell them how you really feel. that way, you dont feel like you HAVE to go along with something you dont want to do. your mother probably feels like she was manipulated by her father and you helped him do it. 

you regret supporting him in a bad decision. so yeah, get away from them for a while. unless you can tell them exactly how you feel... ie, telling your mother that you feel manipulated by your father and you regret supporting him but you feel like she has ostracized you and put you back in the middle of it, and telling your father that if he wants to make terrible decisions, he can leave you out of it. 

but distance is probably best. there is a reason why we grow up and leave home...


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Time to make you own Thanksgiving. My brother had a falling out with our parents. Did not see each other for 20 years. Both our parents passed. Amends never made. Such is life.

Family...I think the only real requirement is to love them. You DO NOT have to like them.


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## RV9 (Sep 29, 2014)

I don't have any advice, only sympathy for you. Sorry...


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> I just had another idea. Learn to detach from your parents.
> 
> Be free from their circle of drama by letting go.
> 
> ...


Absolutely.

Don't let them drag you into the nonsense.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> Invite your 'mother' to YOUR Thanks giving.
> 
> If she says "no" say "I never asked to be born into the family of you and dad. I had no choice in that.
> 
> ...


MattMatt the brilliant.

Just repeated cause it's so good.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Ok, I'll try to answer as many questions as I can here:

Parents have only rejected me. 
While Dad/2nd son and Mom/daughter relationship is strained, they are still present. My relationship is the only one that is non-existent. 

I tried having a heart-to-heart with mom a while ago. I want at least one parent to show me some form of love. But it was more of a heart-to-brick wall. 
I got into another fight with dad in July. It did not end pretty. For either of us. I am surprised neither of my siblings, especially my sister, put two-and-two together with our injuries. 

As for grandparents rejected me, I imagine the best man thing did not go over well with them. 
They are very...conservative. I mean beyond politics. They are stuck in the 1950's. So I imagine my idiotic decision to be the best man to them, said I was turning my back on that side of the family. 
Nevermind the fact dad and I have given each other shiners on more than one occasion, and he and I have exchanged more fists than an MMA match. 

Besides, mom already told me I am uninvited to Thanksgiving at her parents. She is still going. 
What good does telling her I will have my own Thanksgiving do? Looks like she made her choice. 

My friends all know something is not right. But all of them are at colleges hours away. To visit, one of us would need a plane ticket. 
At school, sure, I know some people. But none of them know I am the unwanted child. None of them know I question almost all my decisions every day. I don't want to discuss it with them. 

Wish I could just lay in my bed all day. I was always told family is all we got growing up. At the end of the day, family is suppose to be all you have. Mine is disowning me. 

Any BS or WS ever do this? 
Disown their own children? To try and heal? Or hurt the other spouse? Or just direct your anger at them?


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

In view of this sad reality, it's time for you to step up.

You can wallow in misery and self pity, or get strong, date hot decent women, workout, get buff and become the new you. Get involved in life. Become a confident leader of your life. Break out of the funk and become a decent man all women dream of from all of what you've learned. 

You can make a ton of lemonade with your life. Time to get started. Right now.

Maybe read a book like Married Man Sex Life Primer to learn about you and a bit about life. It is a great read for all guys, married or single.

Luckily, you are responsible for your happiness, not them. Thank God for that.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

This may be unpopular, but as far as your mom's concerned, you demonstrated your loyalty when you not only attended her betrayer's wedding, but stood up for him as the best man. You're old enough to make adult decisions, and those come with a consequence. Perhaps your mom (and her family) will forgive you in time, though. I hope they do. 

C


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Find something to do to keep you busy on Thanksgiving. And don't say anything to anybody. 

Your mom probably assumes you are going to your dad's for TG. When she finds out you did not, I guarantee you will get a call from her, probably to b!tch you out for not going to your dads. Her guilt will be enough to wish you had spent it with somebody, just not her. 

You know, I don't care what you did, or if you stood with your dad at his wedding, I have never heard of a mom disconnecting from her child that way. I disagree with P-Bear and agree with most of the other posters....your mom and dad are sorry-ass people , and I don't think they are worthy of your love.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Right now you are hurting is because the attachment you have is making you vulnerable to them. Sorry to say, but detaching from them will take that power that they have to hurt you.

I was reading and there are stories of parents disowning their kids for being gay, and transgendered.

Because of no one accepting them, and believing that they are not worthy of love, they have a high suicide rate.

Sometimes the family we choose and chooses us in return is the stronger bond.

My cousins ar my step cousin, but they love my uncle as their natural father.

He accepted them, and raised them as his own. 

He doesn't abandon them and care for them whenever they needed him. 

They choose to be each others family by choice, and there bond with my uncle is stronger than their biological fathers which they see a couple of times a year.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Well actually 22. 
And I don't know if mom knows that I won't be going to dads. She knew we got into a couple fights before the divorce. Plus if my sister told her how much I drank at the wedding, mom would know it wasn't a happy memory. 

Plus I drank every night for months after the wedding. Mom had to know something wasn't right. Unless she stopped really caring way before


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

What I wanted to make clear, is that you have to make your own life. 

Work with what you have and rebuild a new life.

The only control you have is what you do . 

You can keep pining for their affection, or you can move on.

There isn't a lot of options. 
Sorry your family is sh1tty, but you doing nothing is not going to solv your problem. 

Read mrs.gutpunch and you will find out she divorced her parents. 

She removed herself from a toxic situation. 

you can be thankful for your life being better than most. Stop viewing yourself as a victim.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Yes, I did mean to tell that to a 20 something. He himself said back in his "Son's duties" thread that his mom's family would disown him if he was his father's best man. And he did it anyway. So hopefully they will get over their hurt and ask him for forgiveness for the pain they're now causing him. 

OP, have you ever sought counselling to help you work through your pain? Your parents are messed up. Your other thread was filled with self-medicating with alcohol. You need a healthy impartial individual who can help you heal. Someone who isn't going to hurt you for their own "best" interests, unlike either of your parents. 

C


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Q tip said:


> MattMatt the brilliant.
> 
> Just repeated cause it's so good.


Thank you!


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

You're young, but also do you have a GF or significant other?

What do you do for recreation? 

You said you drank, are you off that now?

Doing any sport? 

Your self esteem must be at an all time low, this stuff with your folks is certainly not helping.

They way they are treating you certainly seems cruel, your mom almost rubbing the salt into the wounds for good measure.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> Well actually 22.
> And I don't know if mom knows that I won't be going to dads. She knew we got into a couple fights before the divorce. Plus if my sister told her how much I drank at the wedding, mom would know it wasn't a happy memory.
> 
> Plus I drank every night for months after the wedding. Mom had to know something wasn't right. Unless she stopped really caring way before


You know it's possible your mom is so battle scarred from having to deal with your dad all those years that she has just shut down emotionally. Is she as cold with your siblings?


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

iwontliedown said:


> Read Hamlet. He is the perfect idol for you. Read how he exacted his revenge from his mother for her betrayal. It will help you find motivation.
> 
> Yes, your mother did betray you by going to your grandparents. And you deserve justice for that.


Isn't that the guy who's mom married her husband's uncle, and Hamlet didn't like him? And didn't he romanticize his father? 
So he killed a few people, and drank some poison, and died in a duel with somebody? 

And...how again is that a good role model? 



BobSimmons said:


> You're young, but also do you have a GF or significant other?
> 
> What do you do for recreation?
> 
> ...


No, no girlfriend. I am too busy with school/work. Though I would have thought working in a jewelry store gets me all the ladies. (obvious joke is obvious, despite lack of tone in writing)

Recreation? I work out. That is about all I have time for now. School takes up everything else. 
Well, school and figuring a lot of shyt out on my own. 

No time for sports. 

So yea, I guess you could say my self-esteem is about as low as the Titanic. 


bandit.45 said:


> You know it's possible your mom is so battle scarred from having to deal with your dad all those years that she has just shut down emotionally. Is she as cold with your siblings?


No. 
She is very close with my brother. 
The relationship with my sister is, while strained, still present. My sister. The only one of us who still maintains an active relationship with my dad has a better relationship than I do with my mom.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

*Re: Re: Rejected by both families*



iwontliedown said:


> Unashamedly admitting that you meant it doesn't make you look sharp. Instead it makes you look like a twat.
> 
> Again I repeat he did nothing wrong. He became his father's best man because he was desperate. Desperate to receive some affection from any of his parents. Poor boy. He thought doing that for his father will give him the love though he knew he had hurt him terribly before.
> 
> If his mother can't understand this, then shame on her.....


Really? That's the name you stoop to for someone expressing an opinion as valid as your own? 

I'm not saying his mom is acting acceptably. But he can't control their actions. He can only deal with his own. 

C


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

broken, your mother is probably hurting pretty bad from everything. she probably views you as having taken sides with the man who betrayed her trust, love, and faith. 

of course, you feel guilty for the support you showed. thats normal in this situation. you were put between a rock and a hard place. if i am not mistaken, you want forgiveness from your mother and you want boundaries with your father. 

so go ask for forgiveness from your mother and emplace boundaries for your father. you know what he has done is wrong. but there is one thing you should never do again... you should never do something you know you will regret. you knew you would regret being your fathers best man. hence the reason for your "misbehavior" at the wedding. too many horrible emotions that you couldnt express, so you couldnt get rid of them. so thats all you felt while you were there. 

this is why you need to distance yourself. also, work on accepting yourself. you did something you regret. forgive yourself. its not like you enter life loaded with experience and wisdom... its something you have to learn through living it. and the quickest way to learn a lesson is to see the consequences of a mistake. 

the ONLY mistake you made was not listening to yourself. learn to listen to yourself, not your emotionally twisted parents. their emotions are clouding their judgment.


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

Are you still living at home with your mom?


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

iwontliedown said:


> Hamlet is a play by William Shakespeare. Hamlet's father was the king of Denmark. But his mother, the Queen, secretly conspired with his uncle and killed his father, her husband. And then his mother married his uncle and made him king instead of Hamlet, her own son.
> 
> Hamlet's fathers ghost urged Hamlet to avenge him. But Hamlet was conflicted about this for a long time because avenging his father would mean killing his mother. In the end he understood that his mother betrayed both his father and him. So he decided to get what was his due.
> 
> So he took his revenge on both his mother and uncle.


So...that applies how? 

You telling me to go punch dad in the face? 
Done that several times. And he has returned the favor. Didn't really make me feel better. I also underestimated how much strength hides underneath his fat. 

Got any more advice from dead 14th century theater writers?


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Broken at 20 said:


> Feel depressed when a homeless shelter is the most attractive place to spend THanksgiving, because I am wanted no where else.


I work as a nurse in the hospital on Thanksgiving (happily missing the 5 hour R/T drive to the inlaws- I like them but dread the exhaustingly long drive) and have a turkey dinner with family on a different day. Have dinner with your mother and your father (separately of course) on different days.

On TG day you could go to a nursing home and visit with residents there who don't have family members. Ask them about their life and listen to them reminisce. You will be greatly appreciated and you may also become more aware of the blessings you have in life.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

As'laDain said:


> broken, your mother is probably hurting pretty bad from everything. she probably views you as having taken sides with the man who betrayed her trust, love, and faith.
> 
> of course, you feel guilty for the support you showed. thats normal in this situation. you were put between a rock and a hard place. if i am not mistaken, you want forgiveness from your mother and you want boundaries with your father.
> 
> ...


I regret a lot of my past. 

But I also wish I wasn't thrown into the middle of this. 
I didn't ask to have my dad beg my mother for forgiveness because he couldn't keep it in his pants. 
I didn't ask to have my siblings turn on my like hyenas afterwards because both parents saw me as an enemy, and an easy scapegoat for blame so they could keep the relationship with the kids alive. 
I didn't ask for people to expect me to be the strong man of the house after the affair. I didn't ask for some expected responsibility like that. 
I didn't ask to be replaced as a son by the OW's son. 
I didn't ask to be the best man. 

All I freaking want is to have a relationship with someone! 
I want to have someone I can at least talk to! I am tired of feeling like the villain in a situation I had no control over! 

And I am tired of being put in the middle of situation where I can't get a right answer, because maybe there is no right answer, and having everyone in the family hate me for the choice I made!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> I regret a lot of my past.
> 
> But I also wish I wasn't thrown into the middle of this.
> I didn't ask to have my dad beg my mother for forgiveness because he couldn't keep it in his pants.
> ...


You can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends.

Learn from how badly your family treated you, use that knowledge to grow wisdom through the years.

Pick your friends wisely and, with them, grow a new family made up of people who are worthy of your love.

And looking for a diversion on Thanksgiving?

United States thanksgiving Volunteer Opportunities
Thanksgiving Volunteer Opportunities - Food & Friends
How to Volunteer to Help During Thanksgiving: 15 Steps


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> You can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends.
> 
> Learn from how badly your family treated you, use that knowledge to grow wisdom through the years.
> 
> ...


Yep.

I detached from my family at your age. Surrounded myself with friends and acquaintances and worked lots of hours, took lots of classes, worked out a ton, and volunteered. You might consider asking your classmates whether there's any interest in a Friends Giving. Some of them may not be able to fly home for thanksgiving break and this would be a great first step to creating a strong friendship with a group of your peers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Worst F-ing day ever. 
Hoping to just pass the test. 
On my way home, some F-er hit my car. Nothing serious, but super F-ing annoying. And of course it was some old man driving a freaking Jaguar. Got his info, but if I am betting man, I don't see trying to get his insurance to pay ending well. 
Because everyone knows the 22 year old college male wins against the 60 something year old business guy that drives a jaguar. 
Pr!ck. 

Called mom. She didn't even pick up the phone. 
Nor she didn't even seem to notice, or care, that I was over an hour late getting home. 



Blonde said:


> On TG day you could go to a nursing home and visit with residents there who don't have family members. Ask them about their life and listen to them reminisce. You will be greatly appreciated and you may also become more aware of the blessings you have in life.


I spent my 18th birthday in a homeless shelter during a mission trip. And it was super interesting. Won't lie. 
But I am getting disowned by my family. I don't really want to go see old people, that have no one, talk to me about their lives. That way I can look forward to dying alone. 


And this will be my first Thanksgiving alone. I thought it might happen. But not at 22. And never because my family is disowning me.

Is there anything I can do at this point to try and patch my relationship with my family? OR is there even a point?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> Worst F-ing day ever.
> Hoping to just pass the test.
> On my way home, some F-er hit my car. Nothing serious, but super F-ing annoying. And of course it was some old man driving a freaking Jaguar. Got his info, but if I am betting man, I don't see trying to get his insurance to pay ending well.
> Because everyone knows the 22 year old college male wins against the 60 something year old business guy that drives a jaguar.
> ...


Are they religious? Could a minister intervene?:scratchhead:

By the way, you need to start to lose some of the bad attitudes your parents dumped on you.



> I don't really want to go see old people, that have no one, talk to me about their lives. That way I can look forward to dying alone.


That makes you sound 10 years beneath your age. 

Bad news about your car. Though being pranged by a Jaguar? Sort of kudos for you, in a way.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Broken at 20 said:


> Worst F-ing day ever.
> Hoping to just pass the test.
> On my way home, some F-er hit my car. Nothing serious, but super F-ing annoying.




You are blessed that this was the 'worst" 



Broken at 20 said:


> Called mom. She didn't even pick up the phone.
> Nor she didn't even seem to notice, or care, that I was over an hour late getting home.


You are 22, a grown man! A mother needs to let go...



> But I am getting disowned by my family. I don't really want to go see old people, that have no one, talk to me about their lives. That way I can look forward to dying alone.
> 
> 
> And this will be my first Thanksgiving alone. I thought it might happen. But not at 22. And never because my family is disowning me.
> ...


It's a day on the calendar. Don't interpret this as "disowning" with "dying alone" as your destiny. It is a day on the calendar.

You are not a boy anymore. You are a man. Visit that nursing home on TG and giving to them will give back more to you.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Broken at 20 said:


> Worst F-ing day ever.
> Hoping to just pass the test.
> On my way home, some F-er hit my car. Nothing serious, but super F-ing annoying. And of course it was some old man driving a freaking Jaguar. Got his info, but if I am betting man, I don't see trying to get his insurance to pay ending well.
> Because everyone knows the 22 year old college male wins against the 60 something year old business guy that drives a jaguar.
> ...


There isn't much you can do _right now_ that will _immediately_ repair your relationship with your family. You can try to talk to your mother and let her know how you feel, but if she is as you've described I don't hold out much hope for that working. The one thing that is likely to help is the passage of time.

In your shoes I'd write her a letter. Let all the pain you've expressed here pour out in that letter, tell her exactly how you feel as if you were put in an impossible situation and didn't know what to do, made a decision that you regret and now feel so alone. Just let the raw emotions go in that letter. Then either burn it or give it to her, but if you give it to her don't expect anything from it. If she has hardened her heart to you she'll likely just dismiss it, but knowing how you feel about it may work on her over time to soften her to you.

In the mean time get with your friends about thanksgiving. Also check the bulletin boards at school to see if there's anything being set up for students that can't get home for the holidays.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Are they religious? Could a minister intervene?:scratchhead:
> 
> By the way, you need to start to lose some of the bad attitudes your parents dumped on you.


Could be the alcohol talking. 

Besides, how would you expect me to be feeling? Full of hope and optimism? Like everything is going to work out for the better? 



> That makes you sound 10 years beneath your age.
> 
> Bad news about your car. Though being pranged by a Jaguar? Sort of kudos for you, in a way.


I hope he was my banker. I hate my banker. 



> You are blessed that this was the 'worst"


You're right. Yesterday was worse. 
Or the day my parents divorced. 
Or my first day I came to TAM. Definitely ranks up there. 
Or dad's wedding. 
Or the day my parents told me they were divorcing. It all really went downhill pretty fast following that day. 

Not really the worst day ever. Just a bad day.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Broken at 20 said:


> Could be the alcohol talking.
> 
> *Besides, how would you expect me to be feeling? Full of hope and optimism? Like everything is going to work out for the better? *
> 
> ...


You're 22 years old. You should be full of hope and optimism, your entire life is stretching out ahead of you. Your life will be what you make of it. If you continue to wallow in misery your life will be miserable.

Meet a good woman, fall in love, raise children and make yourself an example for them. Show them what a good father and husband looks like. You can't do any of this while you're miserable, women are not attracted to that. Sane women any way.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Nucking Futs said:


> You're 22 years old. You should be full of hope and optimism, your entire life is stretching out ahead of you. Your life will be what you make of it. If you continue to wallow in misery your life will be miserable.


And you're surprised? 
I am tired of no one freaking caring. 
I wasn't once asked how I felt during the divorce. I wasn't ever given the "We still love you and our divorce is not your fault," talk from my parents. Or anyone. I can't even remember the last time one of my relatives said they love me, or would just be there for me. Instead, it feels like they want me to be there for my brother and sister and mom and dad so they don't have to be there. 
And I am tired of being taken advantage of. Not just from my family. My old job refused to pay over $5000 in education benefits I had earned. I had my hours cut from 36 to 20, and was told about it the day before it happened. Not a week or two in advance, no, the day before. And I had all my vacation time, both cancelled, and was unable to redeem over half of it. So more money down the drain. 
I am exhausted.

I even had a teacher that when she was making her seating chart, she said I looked like I had aged 5 years since my student ID picture had been taken. 
Haven't even been at the school for more than 2. 


> Meet a good woman, fall in love, raise children and make yourself an example for them. Show them what a good father and husband looks like. You can't do any of this while you're miserable, women are not attracted to that. Sane women any way.


I have seen marriage at its worst for both sexes. From my immediate family. 
I will *never* touch the institution.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

broken, its not us who needs to hear this from you. its your parents. 

none of the stuff that they are putting you through is your fault. you need to OWN that, accept it, and move on. i would start by telling THEM that. but, you may never get validation from them. thats why YOU have to own it, accept it, that you didnt make them do the stupid stuff they do. you KNOW that, but you still feel the judgement, and it cuts deep enough for you to carry it around all day. 

right now you sound like your trying to buck shame that you were never expected to carry. 


you know, i went through some schooling on how to detect lies. one of the things they taught is that when you accuse an innocent man of something he did not do, he responds with anger. funny thing is, if people feel like they are being treated as if they are guilty, they respond in the exact same way as if they are blatantly accused. 

you seem pretty angry. if your like practically every other human on the planet, its because you feel like you have been accused of something that you havent done. you are being judged unfairly. 
and they are wrong. since they are supposed to be the people who are right, it really strikes home. 

well, they are wrong, and the drama they spin is not your fault. you know what the saddest part is? your parents have absolutely no idea what they are doing to you. they havent the slightest clue.


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## jin (Sep 9, 2014)

Hi I read your other thread about being best man for your dad. 

Your other siblings were at the wedding not just you so don't think that is what set your mother off. You said the relationship with her was already strained. Do you know exactly what her problem is with you? 

I think you should move out from your mother's house. You can move on with your life. You might even find the relationship will improve when you are gone.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Blonde said:


> You are blessed that this was the 'worst"
> 
> You are 22, a grown man! A mother needs to let go...
> 
> ...



I married at 22 years old; same as your age. I'm still married ongoing 35 years. I was attending college and worked full time. Work towards financial independence and work to be independent, away from your relatives. Don't let your relatives validate you. 

Blonde's advise to you to spend Thanksgiving with those who are less fortunate such as retirement homes and homeless shelters are so worthwhile. You will count your blessings. 

Don't let hateful actions of your older family folks influence your outlook in life. Old folks are mostly caring people. They can show you love. Love people and they will love you back.

If you show a cheerful and happy life, girls will love you. If you wallow in your pain, you won't look attractive. Try to find some sunshine in your life, away from your immediate family. They are toxic to your well-being.

You are in college, be thankful for your privilege.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Hopefully things will work out for the best. It's tough but we are here for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Broken at 20 said:


> And you're surprised?
> I am tired of no one freaking caring.
> I wasn't once asked how I felt during the divorce. I wasn't ever given the "We still love you and our divorce is not your fault," talk from my parents. Or anyone. I can't even remember the last time one of my relatives said they love me, or would just be there for me. Instead, it feels like they want me to be there for my brother and sister and mom and dad so they don't have to be there.
> And I am tired of being taken advantage of. Not just from my family. My old job refused to pay over $5000 in education benefits I had earned. I had my hours cut from 36 to 20, and was told about it the day before it happened. Not a week or two in advance, no, the day before. And I had all my vacation time, both cancelled, and was unable to redeem over half of it. So more money down the drain.
> ...



Don't let them dictate your worth. 

You have to cut the negativity out of your life.

Try to get back up on your feet, focus with laser intensity to do well in school, find a fulfilling career and creating a new life.

The things you want, you have no control over.

You can't make people understand you.

So surround yourself with people who are positive, and will help encourage you to succeed. 

You also need therapy, because you now have abandonment issues.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Broken, it's time you face some cold, hard truths. The primary focus of your parents are to raise children. Having a relationship with them as adults is great and is what normally happens in most families. Unfortunately, there are also parents that will do their duty and when the age of adulthood approaches they begin to distance themselves from their adult children. Whether it's fair or not, they chose to have you as the scapegoat because you were the one child that could not decide which side to choose. In most families, parents can recognize this and understand when a child tries to get along with both parents when a divorce is happening. Unfortunately, your parents cannot. Neither can your grandparents on your mom's side. But from what I observe in all of this, do you really need people like this in your life? Your relationship with your dad has been unhealthy for a long time, and your mom is showing her true colors. In fact, your mom has probably always been rather cold to people she's supposed to care about and you're simply seeing it for the first time.

A number of people have suggested going to a homeless shelter and spending the day there to help those who need help. While you think your world is crashing down around your ears, you are still way, way better off than people at a homeless shelter. 

You have a lot of positives things going for you right now. You're young, getting an education and most likely in decent health. Soon, you'll be able to be on your own and putting your education to use. Then you'll be able to find someone to spend the rest of your life with AND will have learned a number of important lessons on how to raise a family the correct way. 

Finally, your situation is not unique. Others have blazed this trail before you and have flourished. Your situation is analogous to the young men who came through Ellis Island with nothing and no family to support them in America. They left hopeless situations for a chance to start a new life. This is your chance to start a new life - a life without caustic people in it. You only have one life to live. Why not spend it with people who will truly cherish you? You'll find them if you can clean yourself up and put yourself back out there amongst the rest of us and live your life. It's great to throw yourself into your studies, but wallowing in your misery is not going to get you anywhere. Frankly, you have too much going on for you to even dwell on your misery. Embrace what you have and make a better life for yourself. In time, you won't even know who these people are anymore.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Okay...

I'm jumping in..

My dad left when I was 12.. Never came back to see me.. He kept my 2 older brothers with him because they worked with him in a business he had.. He paid them if they worked 2 days or 5 days.. So he basically paid to keep his kids by his side.. But he never paid any support for me.. 

Over the years I held resentment for my brothers because they basically lived at home getting dads paycheck and living it up not helping out.. One brother had 2 cars and a motorcycle at the time. Where I was eventually working 2 jobs, one during the week at a grocery store and on the weekends working video taping weddings.. I did my homework at catering halls all around the tristate area of New York, New Jersey and Connecticut. I worked to help pay the bills in the house.. 

Eventually my brothers whom at the time of the divorce where 17 and 19 eventually figured it out and cut my father lose as well. Nonetheless the damage was done. 

My mom, well she took it bad.. The worst I remember was my mom spinning in a chair crying hysterical.. I just kept calling her and all she did was keep spinning.. I had to grab her and hold her as she cried. Again I was 12 or 13 at the time.. 

We had no cable tv, no AC.. Me and my mom slept in the same room and had a fan to keep us cool in the summer.. 

We did everything we could to keep the house we had.. 

I eventually went to DeVry straight out of high school. I had 2 weeks off between HS and DeVry. I graduated as an electronic technician. Things got better as I got a full time job and started bringing in some good money.. 

My brothers on the other hand were poisoned by my father and could not keep a dollar in their pockets.. They were married and always broke.. 

3 years into working in computers and making good money I took a pay cut and became a Cop.. 24 years later I am a Detective doing computer forensics waiting to hopefully retire soon enough and do computer forensics in the real world.. 

My middle brother passed away.. He had alcohol problems from the divorce and had epilepsy. His wife cheated on him repeatedly.. I spent 15k paying off his child support.. Yet another long story..

My older brother is and was always broke.. Always.. Today he lives in my middle brothers room in my moms apartment.. His marriage of 25 years fell apart because his wife cheated on him and left him.. He also has some medical issues which he has no control over.. I feel bad for him.. He never took the break up well and he is a big strapping guy that has a hard time holding a coffee cup now.. 

End result since I was 12 I have been working nonstop.. But not my brothers.. They would work on and off. My oldest brother didn't work for 2 years and he did this several times.. It is as if he would work 1 or 2 years and then was tired and needed time off.. 

I work to maintain what is now over a million dollar home in Brooklyn.. 

Remember that fan I was talking about that kept me and my mom cool during the summers as a kid ? Well here is a story about that fan and how much it meant to me and my mom..

One day my mom calls my cell while I am at the Detective Squad. I am concerned because my mom really doesn't call me at work unless its some sort of emergency.. Nonetheless she calls and says I have tell you something. Myself with a concerned voice go mom, what's the matter. She responds the fan broke and doesn't work anymore.. There was silence, I got emotional. I knew my mom did too. It reminded us both of hard times from our past.

Now I know your thinking me and mom got along like 2 peas in a pod. But the reality is we didn't for some time.. I didn't speak to her or see her for 1 year at one point in my life.. Other times I didn't speak to her or refused my kids to see her for 3 or 4 months.. I just had nothing to do with her. 

The reality is my mom is a hard person to get along with. There are times I know how to play the game with her and then there are times we but heads like 2 rams.. 

My mom worked 6 days a week, 12 hour days.. I was home alone A LOT as a kid.. I had no support. No one to tell me "you can do this son".. It wasn't until I was a Cop in my early 30s that I learned to stick up for myself and gain enough self confidence in myself..

As for my divorce.. I will make it short for you.. I have 2 boys.. 14 and 9.. My ex wife hasn't spoken to my 14 year old for over a year and a half.. 

So I have been through this divorce thing in many difference elements and aspects.. What I can tell you at least at 22, you are man enough to understand and relate and grasp the situation. At 12 it was hard for me to understand or grasp.. I was just too young to have the tools to deal with this situation. 

Today for me I'm 47.. I take care of this home that my mom, brother and me and my 2 kids live in.. I am with a beautiful 40 year old woman who has 2 kids of her own, my Ex wife is 50.. I am waiting to retire.. My pension is about 5k a month, my hopefully new salary will be 5k a month.. The G.F. who will eventually move in with me and her kids makes 5k a month.. Thats a total of 15k a month income cash.. Again if I get this job I will get a check from my police job for about 10k each Dec and the new job has a bonus in march.. If its 10k each year I have nothing to complain about.. I am being told it can go as high as 20k to 25k a year.. One top of this my Ex wife pays me child support.

So my simple but long winded point is, things get better if YOU have the patience to make it better and work to make it better. 

Look, honestly.. WTF is thanksgiving ? Just another bullsh!t day like valentine's day.. Look up who created the engagement ring concept.. It was a diamond seller.. 

My family is from another country.. My G.F. family is from another country.. I understand you are alone.. I understand it sucks.. 

I understand they are your parents. But just because they are your parents, it doesn't mean they know better.. It is obvious there parents were lacking to not teach them any better. These personality and psychological issues are handed down from parent to child. 

I go to therapy every wednesday to learn how NOT to bring down my bad traits to my kids and to realize my shortcomings.. 

Sadly at 22 I think you are beyond family court help. But honestly I would check with a lawyer.. 

Or slowly make your own life.. Speak to friends and let them know what's going on.. That is the problem with people sometimes, they don't have the pair of balls to open up, which seems to be your problem.. Don't try to win or fight for your parents affection.. They should be looking to give it to you.. If they don't, its their loss.. Learn from this and make sure when you have kids, you don't do this to them.. That is what I am doing with my oldest now..

Look some people live these great rosey lives.. Everything is handed to them and they have zero issues.. Some of us do not.. We work and bust our a$$es for what we have.. There was a time I wanted to be that silver spoon person... Today I am happy I had to bust my backside to get everything I needed. No one can tell me anything now.. Not my Ex wife, Not my brother, Not my mother.. No one.. I did this all on my own.. If I left everything up to my brothers we would have sold the house 30 years ago and we would be living in a shoebox.. 

My life isn't as great as I want it to be.. But I AM WORKING to make it that way.. ME.. No one else.. ME... I will make sure I have the financial and emotional stability my kids need and deserve.. I will make sure they have the things I was lacking.. I have learned from not only my mistakes, but the mistakes of my mother and brothers.. 

Your worried about one day.. LIfe isn't checkers, it's chess.. 

So you know I have worked every thanksgiving for 24 years.. I have worked MANY, MANY, MANY holidays.. I have missed birthdays with my kids.. I have even missed first halloween with my kids.. 

Its only the end of the world if you want it to be.. Trust me, take it from a guy who was considering to kill himself 2 years ago.. It gets better, you just need to have the patience to wait around to see it get better.. But you have to work towards it.. Have a plan for yourself and work towards that plan.. Yes there will be twist and turns on route to that end result. But have the goal in mind and work to get to that goal.. 

I am positive if you are a good enough nice guy, friends will invite you over and you will become a new part of someone elses family.. People do that.. I tell my kids all the time, I can't fix what I don't know is broken.. Your assuming and hoping people figure it out.. Don't wait for that.. Just tell people in your life, like your doing here..

Keep posting


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Quite a sobering story HTH. You should feel extreme pride in how you overcame your rough childhood.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Didn't read any responses. 
Tired, been drinking, and had a talk with mom. 

Tried talking with her, which ended up with me talking to drywall. 

So I brought up how I was pretty much disowned by her side of the family. 
So I asked what happens Christmas? And Christmas Eve? When the grandparents drive up and stay the night? With rest of extended family. 
All could she tell me "I don't know."

She has to know. She just doesn't want to say it. 

Thanksgiving. Fine. Most of the family goes to grandparents anyway. 
Christmas? 
They all come here. 

Like, why?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you looked into counselling? Your family isn't any support for you, and you're self-medicating your pain with alcohol. 

C


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

At the rate your going, your life is going to be in the dump.

You lack the will to move on, and create your own life.

You have poor coping skills, and you decision making needs work.

Instead of seeking help, you are seeking sympathy.

You want us to tell you how to have someone change the way they feel about you, and love you like they should.

The world doesn't work like that, and your still emotionallly immature.

Instead of changing your circumstances , you rather wallow in self-pity.

I rather help an orphan in a third world country go to school and make a better life for them self, 

At least they use the help I give them.

I am out.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You need support for getting off alcohol. 

Broken, I nearly destroyed myself with alcohol so I know how tough it can be.

A A might be an option, check them out.

You deserve better from life, looks like YOU are going to have to be the one who gets the better life for you. That's unfair but the reality that you face.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Broken... my heart is totally broken for you. 

I am so sorry

I have a long history of abandonment myself

The choices being made around you are abhorrent. Just like they were around me. 

You are hurting now and with good reason. 

From those of us who have overcome the horrible choices of others, trust us when we say "It will pass." You will gain strength and intelligence you never realized you had. But for now, just grieve it. You have started the grief cycle. Connect yourself with someone locally who you can reach out to for strength, comfort, solace and wisdom. 

PM me if you want to know more about my story.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

So saw the old Son's Duties thread was...Frankensteined. 
I would have preferred that thread stay in the dark reaches of TAM. Just like it is in my mind. Not in the fore front. Or at least, it is not part that people can see. 
But whatever. 

I tried to meet a counselor at school. But stupid freshmen had to meet all the freaking counselors because of classes or something like that. 
Tired. 
And none of them wanted to spend 2 hours talking to me. Probably. 


Met some graduate student. He needed something about a project or study. I don't exactly remember. 
But he is taking me under his wing it feels like. I enjoy it, but hate it. He is only helping me because he needs someone for his grade. And to graduate. But it is free counseling. 
Talked to him for like 3 hours Thursday? Or more? 
And diagnosed me with a variety of problems. Like alcoholism. Which might be right. And depression. Which, no point in arguing with. And something else. I can't remember. 

He asked me why I wanted to keep my family. Or wanted a family that hated me. Why fight for that? 
Tried arguing with him. But he just asked me, why fight for something that doesn't want you?

Why is it wrong to want to keep my family? Why is it unhealthy?


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## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

Your mother is not a mother, she has disowned you. Real mothers don't do that.

You however sound really strong. Use that strength to forge a life for yourself away from the "parents" that put you in the middle of their own crap.

Take no ownership of any of it. You are an innocent at only 20.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It is probable that your parents had a dysfunctional relationship for years.

Many parents protect their children from such a reality. 

Yours were too clueless or too wrapped up in their own nonsense to do this and they fought their battles by using their children, more specifically, you.

There's got to be a reason why they are using you as the Judas Goat, they might not eeven understand why, so there's not much chance of you finding out why.

But you don't need to understand why they are abusing you to know that they are abusing you.

Live your life for you not your parents who have proved themselves to be very poor parents and probably always were less than they should have been as parents and as husband and wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Broken at 20 said:


> So saw the old Son's Duties thread was...Frankensteined.
> I would have preferred that thread stay in the dark reaches of TAM. Just like it is in my mind. Not in the fore front. Or at least, it is not part that people can see.
> But whatever.
> 
> ...


Any counselor you use will be doing it for some kind of gain. Whether you're paying them or someone else is they're getting paid to help you, so there's no reason to resent this grad student.

So lets look at what he told you. 1 Alcoholism, check, you've gotten the same here. Depression, check, you've gotten the same here. Cut them loose, check, you've gotten the same here. 

I think you're lucky to have this guy. 



Broken at 20 said:


> Why is it wrong to want to keep my family? Why is it unhealthy?


Your family is toxic. The more you try to cling to them, the more you wish they would love you, the more they drag you down. It's not the usual family dynamic no matter how much you wish it was. They are the source of your pain. It's time to cut them loose.

Btw, alcohol is a depressant, it's making you feel worse.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I swear you need to be under my wing. You are where I was 5 to 10 years ago. Hate to see your pain. Understand it totally. 

Stay strong.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I assume you can delete your previous thread if you don't want people reading it at this point. It does, however, give some helpful insight into your situation. 

You are certainly free to maintain contact with your family to the extent they allow it. But don't expect them to be supportive because it appears they focus on themselves and not you.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Signed up to help in a homeless shelter Thanksgiving. So at least I won't be spending it alone. 

Now, main reason for this post. 
Past two weeks is starting to really wear down. 
I haven't been sleeping very well. Normally go to sleep at midnight, but lately, haven't been able to get to sleep until 2am, 3am, and it is starting to exhaust me. Getting maybe 2-4 hours of sleep a night. 
Plus I am getting bloody noses all the time. Had 3 today. One during a test. TEacher didn't react well to me just running out of class. 
And some other unpleasant medical problems. 

Then my mind decided to get in on the fun, and has been driving me crazy. 
For example, the song Christmas shoes came on while I was driving. And I started crying. 
And today during my test, for some reason, all I could think about was some old family dinner. Not even a holiday, maybe a birthday or something. Super freaking hard to focus. Mind just decided to blank and only think of that. 

I've read about how BS have triggers, but all these problems? And I am not the F-ing BS. I am just the collateral.
How can I make this stop? Or how can I at least get back to sleeping. I'd take the other crap if I could just sleep at night like I used to.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

And no, haven't talked to my grad-student free counselor since I first talked to him. I meet him tomorrow.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Try to get to a doctor or clinic in your area. There are free services available in many areas, if you don't have insurance. Hoping you have stayed off the alcohol. 

Reads like anxiety and depression causing the sleeplessness. You need to see a doctor. Please get there. 

Giving time for Thanksgiving will help give you perspective. It's a really good thing to do.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Drier air from cooler weather can cause nose bleeds, but so can high blood pressure. Get to a doc soon. Also, before I started standing up to my family, I had chronic bronchitis. Stress induced illness like clockwork. As soon as a major stressor hit, one week later to the day I would be in bronchitis again.

This tells me you have internalized a lot. That emotional pressure has to be released. When its not, it comes out somehow and many times it is through illness. I soaked in a mineral spring out in Colorado, but also started speaking my mind and my health imoroved drastically.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Good on you for volunteering! 

And drinking too much will thin your blood. Have you cut back on that? 

C


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

PBear said:


> Good on you for volunteering!
> 
> And drinking too much will thin your blood. Have you cut back on that?
> 
> C


Um......
Is it bad if I am answering this while drinking?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Just be honest, drinking or not. Being honest is the first step to helping yourself, Doll.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Thought I posted someting last night. 

Met my counselor buddy Thursday. 
Don't know why I am calling him buddy. Kinda a jerk actually. 
HE keeps asking me why I awant to holed onto mt family. My dsyfucntional, emotionally abusive family, his words. btw. 

I;d rather have a dysfunctional family than nonn at all. 
Just like when I was the best man. I'ed rather do it becuae i dont want the OW son to di to. Greedy. I know, 

Also got sick. Don't if form dirinking, or poor eaintg habits, 
Tihs is going to make studiny hard. With finals. 


And like last year airnd finals time, my mind decied to start cracking. 
Like toady at work, song Christmas Shoes came on. Borken down. I don't enva know why. Song isn't aboint being abandoned y your mom. Or dad. Or family in general. 

And yes, I know I need ot get a grip on my drinking, 
But i always indulge on Fridays. 

Main thing is this crying. I broke down during a Tust thrusday. So f-ng embarrassing. 
How does this stop? 
Besides getting a control if my drinbking.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

If it helps you feel any better, I broke down crying last year, watching "Nottingham Hill" with my gf. When they played "All I want for Christmas is you", and she's all I wanted... 

C


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Broken at 20 said:


> Thought I posted someting last night.
> 
> Met my counselor buddy Thursday.
> Don't know why I am calling him buddy. Kinda a jerk actually.
> ...


Looks like you were two sheets to the wind when you wrote this out.

It makes no sense to destroy your life because of your "dysfunctional, emotionally abusive family". 

You need to do the same thing we tell people who just found out that their spouse cheated. You need to kick yourself in the rear end and start taking care of yourself. Go out and do things that are good for you. Be the best person you can be.

Your family will come around soon enough. You know when they will come around? When they need something from you. I know... I have a nutty, dysfunctional family and that's how it operates.

Take care of yourself so that you can be the one functional person in the family.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

I'm glad to see that you've volunteered for the homeless shelter. Try very hard not to drink. Drinking will add to your emotional yo-yo. See your counselor as often as you can, even though you seem not to like him that much. Anyway, just bend his ear.

Talk to your academic advisor. Getting inspired by your professors will also help you. Talk to your favorite instructor. A positive interchange will give you a good outlook in tackling everyday challenges. I always took time to chit-chat (a little bit) with my college professors when I was a student. I'm a university professor now and will take time for students for a little uplifting chat.

Most of all, give yourself a little bit of happiness daily.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Darlin' its ok to grieve. You've lost both of your parents while they are still alive. It is extremely painful. I've been there done that. It was brutal, but it does pass and you will be stronger and the crying will stop and you will learn to be the parent to yourself that you don't have.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

lots of stress going on there young man! If you were my son this is what I would tell you.

the world is an ugly place. nothing you can do about how other people act. but you can trust in yourself.

get yourself on a schedule. start exercising. eating better and seeking out quality people. stop drinking. pull your boot straps up and resolve yourself to making a life for yourself.

you can do it. i know it sound hard and overwhelming but resolve yourself to be resilient. and know that this trouble time in your life will pass and that you have a bright future.

good luck.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your family has a problem. And they don't even know it.

The problem? They got rid of you, the only normal, sensitive member of the family.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

You are about the same age as my son when his life came to a complete stop from how he knew it, as my own personal world fell apart. His father cheated on me. 

My son almost failed out of University his Jr., year and I know struggled with his own demons as he saw his perfect family life end. No where did he experience the trauma or choosing you had to endure, but I can tell you I believe you must be feeling like WTF??? I didn't even ask for any of this... I was just trying to be a good son. 

My mom once told me, as she came from the depression era of the irish potato migration into the US, " It's not so important the family you come from, but the family you create."

You've been a good kid, just don't let the drinking or any bad behavior take over... 

~sammy


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Agreed. Your parents chose destructive behaviors. You do not have to do the same. You can choose different, constructive behaviors. Its the choice I have made and I have never regretted it.


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> I was trying to think of some subtler way to ask this, but I couldn't think of a good way to do this, so forget being subtle.
> 
> For a quick recap:
> Dad cheated on mom
> ...


I'm late to this thread and it's been a long while since I posted, but given that I responded to your previous thread about being best man, I feel somewhat compelled to do so.

Long story short, this was to be expected. You jellyfished for your father's approval and sacrificed your principles in the process, when in reality all your father wanted was _someone_ in the family to co-sign on his "marriage" to his AP, so that whenever someone called him on it, he could always say that he had his son's support so he can't have been totally in the wrong. Once you gave him that, you became expendable, which is precisely the mentality that _all_ cheaters have. In the face of their desires, all loved ones are expendable.

And then there's your mother. Rather than support her as the aggrieved party, you tried to get your father a second chance. Then you wronged her much more deeply by giving visible, tacit support to your father's "marriage". And you're surprised that she's reticent to associate with you. She's your mother and she will always love you but she senses an obvious deficiency in character that can only be solved with tough love. Likewise, your grandparents, her parents, don't want you around. Are you surprised? They come from a different generation, where a man's worth, divorced from all of the accouterments of meaningless _things_, is only as good as his principles and his word. A man without principles is a man not worth having around.

I've tried repeatedly to tell you this, as have others here, and you've repeatedly decided against it so as not to upset your personal apple cart, or for personal gain (as in your very original thread, you admitted you were being financially supported by your father). It's time to grow up and make the decision as to what sort of man you want to be. A man who stands by his principles will always have the more difficult life, compared to the shallow, facile one. But that man will also gather to himself the sort of friends and loved ones that make the journey worth living, and will be able to weather any storm.

While your history here at TAM makes it unlikely, I sincerely hope that you make the correct choice.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Was it the best choice, no, but I feel the "older wiser" generation could be handling things differently.


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Was it the best choice, no, but I feel the "older wiser" generation could be handling things differently.


He isn't a child or a teenager, madam. In the eyes of the law and society, he's an adult, and he has to learn, as he apparently has yet to, that every decision carries a consequence. The abandonment of principle might carry with it a benefit, but it is always temporary, as he's painfully discovered. The cost, however, can follow one for life.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

JMGrey said:


> He isn't a child or a teenager, madam. In the eyes of the law and society, he's an adult, and he has to learn, as he apparently has yet to, that every decision carries a consequence. The abandonment of principle might carry with it a benefit, but it is always temporary, as he's painfully discovered. The cost, however, can follow one for life.


I know that Darlin', but he is still a very young adult where as they are not.


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> I know that Darlin', but he is still a very young adult where as they are not.


At what point should accountability be expected then? And in what way is someone making poor decisions helped by everyone around them saying, 'No, it's okay! You do whatever you want, hurt whomever you want, and we act as though it never happened!' Lunacy.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

JMGrey said:


> At what point should accountability be expected then? And in what way is someone making poor decisions helped by everyone around them saying, 'No, it's okay! You do whatever you want, hurt whomever you want, and we act as though it never happened!' Lunacy.


Not at the point where he is trying to have a relationship with his Dad. That's not a sin.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Well, super tired. Been up for 36 hours. 

Mom and sis got in a car wreck during a driving lesson yesterday. Not their fault, and one is injured, but a pain in the ass. 
So mom decided to have a talk with me. Not a heart-to-heart like I am wishing for. A 'we're taking your car to the Thanksgiving that you aren't invited to while mine is repaired,' conversation. 

Plus my computer is failing. Graphics card is giving out, and I could almost buy a new cheap laptop for the costs it would take to fix it. 
But it's not cost I care about. I care more about losing a bunch of photos and files. Some of the photos are all I have of my old family. Thanksgiving from years ago, Christmas, birthdays, events. All I really have at this point. And my school files. Which are equally important. 
So looks like I know what I am doing Black Friday. Once my car gets back. 

Right now I am trying to contact other volunteers so I can hitch a ride to the homeless shelter I volunteered at. So far, no answer from 5 different people. 

I know I screwed up. Neither family will ever care about me. All I do is make everything worse. I am trying to detach, but I still remember the good memories when I was a kid, everything before it came crashing down. I keep wishing my life would go back to that, but I know it can't. I am tired of waiting for 'God's divine plan' to work out. I am tired of talking to a wall, or hoping for a sign to show me this will work out somehow. 
I could just use some advice. Like, how do I detach from my family? How do I forget the good memories?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Read Boundaries, No More Mister Nice Guy, and even Codependent No More might help. Do things for yourself. Remember the good times and smile. Remember the bad times and make the hard decisions. 

My grandmother and my mother used to say, God helps those who help themselves. So, what are you waiting for? Live man. Do what you want to do. Don't be careless. Don't do drugs. Don't drink to excess. You will make mistakes. You will get up and try a different way. God will not just drop something in your lap. Don't fall for that. 

I'm just not sure why you let them borrow your car when you have plans and need it? It's not evil or wrong to tell them you have plans. They have the problem and you can suggest they rent a car. It's fairly reasonable for a day. Otherwise, you could possibly pick them up and drop them off somewhere. 

It's not mean. What do you owe them? Do you live with them? Do they pay your bills for education? Even at that, you have to have boundaries.

I hope you find a ride.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> Well, super tired. Been up for 36 hours.
> 
> Mom and sis got in a car wreck during a driving lesson yesterday. Not their fault, and one is injured, but a pain in the ass.
> So mom decided to have a talk with me. Not a heart-to-heart like I am wishing for. A 'we're taking your car to the Thanksgiving that you aren't invited to while mine is repaired,' conversation.
> ...


I know how difficult this is for you. I'm going through the same family thing but for a different reason. I'm an Alzheimer's caregiver for my mother (76 yo) and have been completely abandoned by all our family for Thanksgiving and Christmas for the past 3 years. Yep, I do everything for her by myself with no help and not so much as a phone call from any of them during the holidays, or any other time for that matter. They come and see her (and me) only twice a year, her birthday and Mother's Day. So I understand completely. It's tough, saddening, maddening, demoralizing and just flat out sucks donkey balls. 

But, you know what?......it does get better. With time.

You may want to familiarize yourself with this. It's truly what you are going through right now.

7 STAGES OF GRIEF

I think it's great that you're working with a homeless shelter. If I could, I would do it as well, but I have my own little problems to deal with here.

I do want to echo one piece of advice you've been given ad nauseum: Watch that drinking, pal. I know it dulls the pain for a little while (BTDT), but once sobered up the problem is still there, isn't it? Be careful with this. Seems like a good idea at the time, but that 'good idea' could easily manifest itself into a bigger problem that will make the one you're dealing with now pale by comparison.

Oh, why are they taking your car? Why can't they get a lift to the dinner. You need your car for more important things. Throw it back on them.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

I already read No more Mr Nice guy. I'll check the others out when I get a break. 
Mom is taking my car because something about insurance. I am too tired to remember exactly. 

And right now, I don't need more lies. 
I know God doesn't help or do anything for that matter. Praying to him is like hoping my dreams will come true. I know they aren't. 
Or the "things get better with time," line. It's a lie. I don't need more of them. 

I just want to know how to detach myself.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> Well, super tired. Been up for 36 hours.
> 
> Mom and sis got in a car wreck during a driving lesson yesterday. Not their fault, and one is injured, but a pain in the ass.
> So mom decided to have a talk with me. Not a heart-to-heart like I am wishing for. A 'we're taking your car to the Thanksgiving that you aren't invited to while mine is repaired,' conversation.
> ...


You do not forget them. Your parents have perhaps forgotten them, you don't need to.

Hold in you mind what was good. That's where you came from, that time, when your parents were not what the are now.


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## jin (Sep 9, 2014)

Your mother can't be serious. 

You're not good enough to be with them for thanksgiving but you have to give them your car?


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## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

It seems they have detached from you already,so follow their lead.As for the car ifit is yours don't let her use it.Have your grandparents pick them up.Like you said you can't forget past memories but these people are not the same as the parents you knew.I would hide the car and tell them it was in the shop for repairs.I haven't talked to my brother for over a year and he lives two towns over from me.Last thing I told him was if I die don't bother coming to the funeral,there will be none.Best advice I got was from a Sgt in Vietnam when he said to me not to get close to anybody here and I have been following that advice ever since.Good luck to you.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Broken at 20 said:


> I already read No more Mr Nice guy. I'll check the others out when I get a break.
> Mom is taking my car because something about insurance. I am too tired to remember exactly.
> 
> And right now, I don't need more lies.
> ...


Your antedote is one you are struggling with, but I'm here to testify it works.

To detach from humans you attach to God

To detach from the earth you attach to heaven

To detach from their words you attach to His Word

To detach from their choices you attach to His choices

To detach from your pain you attach to His pain, the pain he suffered for you so that you COULD attach to him in your darkest hours and in your greatest hours. The only one who becomes Father to the fatherless Psalm 68:5. You do not have a High Priest who does not know your pain because He walked it Himself Hebrews 4:15. But faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God about Christ, Romans 10:17. To stand on the Word, you've got to let that Word dwell richly in you, know it well, Colossians 3:16. 

Down load two apps on your phone Grace to You and Truth for Life. These are the teaching ministries of John MacArthur and Alistair Begg. If your phone can't do apps, google their names and access their teachings by their websites. There is no greater resource to lift your heart and soul above the fray of men than the Word of God. I promise you that. Its what kept me on my feet and kept me from collapsing when I was not an armslength from one of my abusers at a funeral. Run to Him, don't walk James 4:8. You will not regret it.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Broken, who owns the car?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Don't let the have it. You have plans. If she threatens you that she'll kick you out of the house, tell her goodbye and have a nice life. Seriously, better to have no family than to have a family like that. When you opined earlier that it's better to have a crappy family like yours than no family. I disagree. Better to not have people in your life that hurt you daily than to have them in your life. Sorry your life is in shambles at the moment, but life will get better.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

HAd to buyt a new computer beacuse I can't risk my laptop f-ng itself. Got a proejct that only alloweds me to install it once. Becuase Fvkc you that;s why. And it is due the 1st. Gotta love it. 
At least insce I am not invited to Christamas, I can save money. And spend it on a desktop. And alcohol. And maybe some crappy tablet or something. Saw something for like $100. Might totally go fori t,. 
For the win. 

And finally fvickning installed it. I freaking hate technoligy. 
Found out I also can't urn off my computer. Because I can;t repoen it. And I don't understand windows. 8. Fvkcin windows 8. 



Blossom Leigh said:


> Broken, who owns the car?


I pay for pretty much everything. Actually, eveyrhint,g. Gas. Einsunrance. Maintenance. Whatever else. 
But mmy mom's nemame is onit. For insurance purposes. Buecause her name on the insurnace is 3x less than My ame is on the insuanrce. 

And surpringsinyl my brother came thru for me. Letting me borrow his car. I would prefer mine, because trying to fit myself into his civic won't be easy. But I'll take it over walking. 


AT least something worked out. 

And probably drinking. Definitetly drinking. 
What's the difference between God and this bottle of Maple Corwn? This bottle of Maples doesn't reuire 10%, but $20 and makes me happy face longer than God says he will. 
Suck it God. 

Alsi seriously, how to detach? 
Like, the 180? I mean, is that what I should use? IT isn;t a WS, so will it even work?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The 180 is to help you detach from the relationship. So yes, it can help you. How much it will help when you're still entwined, who knows...

And don't drink and type. 

C


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## Joe75 (Oct 12, 2013)

“Like, how do I detach from my family? How do I forget the good memories?”

Hi Broken at 20

Reading your threat, reminds me of my Dad when he was a young man. The following is provided for your consideration.

My Dad’s mom, as Dad once simply said, was “not a nice person.” My Dad grew up in family of numerous brothers and sisters. Before he was ten, my Grandmother went to her ‘sick’ bed and abandon her child rearing responsibilities. It was left to my Dad and his oldest sister to care for the younger siblings in all aspects. If this was not bad enough, she created a toxic family environment by her negativity, selfness, sharp tongue and her constant harsh criticism of all those who lived under the same roof as her. A nurturing mother she was not.

Finally at 17, my Dad had enough and joined the Army during WWII (he lied about his age). In fact, my Dad quit school six weeks from graduating as he could not live with my Grandmother another day.

In the Army, Dad found home. He knew what was expected off him and it was fair. The men that he served with developed deep bonds which lasted with some, decades after the war. Some vets speak of the horror of war when relating their experiences. Not my Dad who saw combat. He did not glorify war, but, would rather would speak fondly of the men he served with and the good times shared. He intended to stay in the Army after the war; but, he was medically released due to his wounds. 

When Dad returned from overseas after an absence of five years, he and his mother were able to reconcile to a degree that civility prevailed. But, he was still resolve to continue to strike out on his own and create a life separate from his family. Then he met and married my Mom.

Once married, my Dad was determine that his childhood experience would remain in the past and not contaminate the future. He and my Mother created a happy and healthy family life that I and my siblings still fondly remember. Although he maintained contact with his family, there was never any large family gatherings, shared Xmas, birthdays etc. As far as Dad was concern, his beloved wife and his children was all the family he needed. He was a happy and contented man for the rest of his life.

Broken at 20, you ask how to detach from your family. As my Dad did, you simply make the decision to do so and then make it happen. It won’t be easy and it is not even necessary to have a grand plan. I am sure that my Dad did not have one when he left his house at 17. But, he knew that there had to be a better life ‘out there’ and ten years later he found it. 

As for forgetting “the good memories”- don’t. Notwithstanding his overall childhood experience, Dad had some fond memories. For example, he and his oldest sister were very close and remained so. I still remember when she visited from far away, she and Dad would tell stories from their childhood with much laughter. Dad once said remembering the good times kept his perspective of his childhood in balance.

Regards

Joe75


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Broken at 20 said:


> HAd to buyt a new computer beacuse I can't risk my laptop f-ng itself. Got a proejct that only alloweds me to install it once. Becuase Fvkc you that;s why. And it is due the 1st. Gotta love it.
> At least insce I am not invited to Christamas, I can save money. And spend it on a desktop. And alcohol. And maybe some crappy tablet or something. Saw something for like $100. Might totally go fori t,.
> For the win.
> 
> ...


Very glad your brother came through for you.

God doesn't promise the feeling of happiness. He promises grace through the fire, salvation of your soul. God is not your genie in the bottle to make your problems go away, but the Sovereign God of Heaven who gives you a place to lift your eyes, and find true hope instead of staring into a liquid bottle of despair. My family problems never went away. But God stood with me through them. And I will tell you this, if you are a believer and you are just angry with God, He is not going to leave you permanently in that bottle. He will get your attention because He pursues man. He loves you too much to leave you in the condition you are in. Trust me, it is no coincidence I am on your thread. But you do need to know that if you are not a believer, He will not contend with you forever. When He calls He is looking for a response. Eventually the call stops...


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

> And surpringsinyl my brother came thru for me. Letting me borrow his car. I would prefer mine, because trying to fit myself into his civic won't be easy. But I'll take it over walking.


Great! Lesson learned? There are plenty of ways to handle things. This worked out. Maybe consider your alternatives next time, before giving up completely? Learn to, "fight", not violence, for what you want and need. It's not always easy, but it gets easier as you, "get a few wins under your belt". 

By the way, lots of folks go through this kind of thing where they have to figure out a way to help someone, but not get screwed by their own decisions. You aren't alone. You did pretty well. Be proud you worked it out. Next time, and it likely will happen again, you can try a different way. 

Nothing to be embarrassed about with the expenses and how you have to do things. You are doing well. Keep up the good work. Keep doing the work you need to get out of there through your education, and you will feel differently because you will be able to distance yourself from them a bit and not rely on them as much. 

You are doing well.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Soi...drinking. 
Something called Sam Houston. Wasd rinking with a budy from work. Old job at the grocery store. So glad I don't worl there. 
Fuvkc that place. Also got out ath the peirthg tiome. \

So tired right now. 
I am not sleeping lately. Last night gt like 2 hoursl of lseep. so F-ing tired. I don't wknow which I want more. A good 8 hours lf sleep or beingt inviting to Thanksing. 
and fvkc spell check. Becauyse tired. 

Halfway through my proejcvint. [email protected] thought iw ould take way lopnger. 
Ei, I wish you were my mom. Even as the WS, you had enough love to care for your kids. 
Hell, I wish half the Ws were my parjnets. At least they loveed thier kids,. 
I would almsot wish anyh ofr their prents here were my parnets. EI and...B something? Or...Pdige and...So-andso? Or...uh...someone, and...Ws. I miss my fial.y 
Anyone that wantlie my parnet. 

anyone ever watch Breaking Bad? And how Walter loved his family so much? Everythign he did for that fmaily. Or hismefl. I just wish my family lovwed m y like Waltyer loved his family. 
Almost wish my daed coulwd ve beene like Walter. Sad isn;t it. Wishing your dad was the dfrug dealer. 
Then again, tv. Who cares. Mioght as well wisgh he was rick Grimes. 

Aw ****. 
ust finished cryhing. 
Norjmaly. I'd take that out. Buity drunk. And I stopped cfaring. 
I miss my family.; 
I kno its Tv. Why is my da unhabkle able to meet it.? ]
How hard is it to be able to be better than the meth drug dealing dead? 

think I got a provblgme. 
Hey. Happy Tjhanksigivng. Tjhink I started this massage at 12 or 1130 somwething. 
Hoo=ray. 
Fvck Thanksgiving,. 


Sol..If this its what Thanksgiving is like, what will CVhrfisatg be liek? 
Guelss I'l spend Christas in that Chrucfh parking lot. Durnkg like skunk.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Damn dude cut back on the alcohol  Hang in there. Weren't you going to AA meetings??


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Jasel said:


> Damn dude cut back on the alcohol  Hang in there. Weren't you going to AA meetings??


Because at 22, ots call;ed parrinyh!!!
And bgeing asesome. Like Comander Shep[ard. Or Captain Ki9rk. 

And "A at 122 is a problem. 
Then again, wjhen I met the madmen definition of alcogioism, that is probably a bad isihn. 
But accoutning,. 
Something. 

Uh.; 

Alcoholism. 
Happy face. 

Will drinking more get me 8 yhours o9f sleeop before I need to be at a homeless shelter in 10 hours top serve lunch? 
Probably? 
Horay.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Drank a fifth! 
Like a bosS1

Gotta go to a
Homerless shelter. 
Like a Boss

Seve.,.Tueky. 

:Lioks a obss!

Why is that not an internet meme?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

It's unlikely your dad and mom don't love you. They just have too many problems to show that love in a way that makes any sense to you. They seem self-absorbed and unable to break free of that. 

Reread what Joe75 wrote. It's what I was trying to say, too. You have to build your own life the way it will make you happy, and then accept your parents for who they are, faults and all. You don't have to subject yourself to their nastiness. You just leave and go live your life when it gets to that point. Then, until you get to a place that you won't or can't put up with it any longer, you come back to visit once in a while for a short time, just to let them know you care. 

Of course, all of that is contingent upon Joe75's dad being able to live on his own and support himself. You will get there. Right now, you need to get your education and a decent job. Joe's dad went to the military to do that. We each do what we can. 

You can find ways to spend time away from them. Do work at school, volunteer in your free time, help those less fortunate than you. Yes, they are out there. 

A fifth of anything is quite a bit to drink. I hope you are sleeping now. I don't think that alcohol will help with the stress in your life. It will just postpone the issues until you are sober enough to have to think about them again. That's likely why drinking isn't helping. You know deep inside, it's not really helping. It's just a way to forget for a few hours. It doesn't solve a thing.

So, I'm wishing you a Happy Thanksgiving. It doesn't have to be with family. You can be thankful(grateful) without being with your family. Life changes all the time. It is not really that constant. Learning to adapt to the changes will help you to get the sleep you need. Try to do the best you can at each crossroad in life, and accept what you did. No one has all the answers. There would be no sites like this if we did. 

Do your best to understand and accept the problems you have. Deal with them the best you can and try to remind yourself with things like volunteering, that everyone has problems they have to deal with, and we deal with them in our own unique ways. Have fun when you can, but don't devote your life to running or hiding in a bottle to relieve your stress. Alcohol is not a panacea. It just exacerbates problems already there.

You are growing up. You are dealing with issues you've never had to deal with before. I wish you could have been a little older and not trying to get your education when all this happened. Is there really any "good" time to have these problems? No. You will make it. Just try to curb that drinking, or quit altogether if you can't. You have enough trouble from others, without creating more on your own.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

2ntnuf is right. The alcohol only numbs and thats as far as it goes. As you work to resolve your life you will find less and less "need" for it. I pray the homeless shelter touches your heart today.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

So, how was your Thanksgiving? Did you make it to the homeless shelter?


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Yesterday was quite an adventure. I'll try to remember as much as I can. 

Woke up at 6 a.m. By the family upstairs. Getting ready to leave for their Thanksgiving. 
They left at 7. I went upstairs and made myself some eggs. And because I was still at least tipsy, downed like half a pot of coffee, and went to this church at 830. Met the group there, drove to the homeless shelter. 
Helped prepare lunch. I was surprised by how much food we had to prepare, and how ancient the kitchen looked. But then again, maybe industrial-like kitchens are suppose to look medieval. 
And I didn't talk to many people. Most must have thought I was forced to be there, or just really anti-social. But better that than the alternative. 

Served lunch. Met some interesting people. Very humbling experience. And the people there were very appreciative. Very nice. 

And afterwards, because it was a church sponsored event, there was a service held. I stayed back and did the dishes. Didn't really want to go to some service. 

Then more talking, meet and greeting, served some pies, and we started packing up and getting ready to leave. Then one of the volunteers, kind of a motherly figure, figured out I was there because I had no where else to go. Likely from something I said earlier in the day. So she invited me to her Thanksgiving dinner with her family. And I went. 

It was nice to see how other families handle Thanksgiving. Functioning families at least. Also that was probably the most awkward dinner I have ever been to. Just randomly showed up to some family I don't know, and invited to partake in their dinner. Super awkward, but...enlightening. 

And got home at 8 ast night. And 
I would post more, but the computer is deciding to move like a glacier, so I'll see if it is in a better mood later.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Good man. That's the way to hang in there. Good job.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

That's awesome! It sounds like a good, if nontraditional, Thanksgiving. 

Most people out there are caring, genuine -- no harm in opening up just a little bit from time to time. 

Thank you for serving your community 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Good job. A really good job!


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Ok, assuming computer doesn't crap out on me, which if it does, I am finishing this project, then taking it the FVCK back to Best Buy and buying something that isn't a piece of sh!t, I'll try to go into more detail on a few things. 

So, woke up still drunk at 6. And drunk dreams are kinda wild. 
Also trying to make myself eggs for breakfast is not easy. At least coffee is easy. 

As for the homeless shelter. 
I was the youngest member of the group. Most were couples of varying ages. I wanted to take pictures, but I was told to not take my phone in. Because it getting stolen would've been very...unpleasant. 

Met a lot of people. White, black, Hispanic, all were nice and appreciative. Kinda makes me laugh. My old boss at the grocery store was an ass hat that was full of himself. He would never be seen with these people. 
Had some very interesting conversations. And interestingly, me, the youngest member of the group, (and by now, starting to feel kinda hung over at the time) was the most comfortable. Went on 10+ mission trips from 6-12th grade with my church. Got some presidential award for completing over 1000 hours of community service during some age bracket. Don't exactly remember what. Even Had my 18th birthday in a homeless shelter. Actually met a guy that shared my birthday in that homeless shelter. Vietnam vet. An unsung hero. 
Anyway, met a lot of interesting people. Slow to open up though. 
And no matter how many times I've been to one, it is always a humbling experience. Granted I haven't been to one in 2+ years. I feel privileged to be going to college. And not living under a bridge. And not wondering how I'll feed myself tomorrow. And knowing my room is only freezing because the basement's insulation sucks and mom likes to keep the house cold to save money. 
But there were other things. I saw a family. Husband, wife (I assume wife), two kids. And I talked to them. They were a family, and they always were together. (apart from work and other obvious crap) I asked them why, and they told me, all you got is family. They may hurt you, they may annoy you, but they are your family. You stick with them, and always look out for them. 
It was a...hurtful moment. 
And met a few other people. One guy sold his house to pay for his sister's cancer treatments. 
So many interesting stories. 

It was a very bittersweet experience. Kind of like my dad's wedding. 
Except, his wedding was more like, 90% bitter/10% sweet. 
Today, more like, 50/50. 

So there was that. 
And then the service. Didn't go to that. No idea what they talked about. Don't care. 
Instead did the dishes. Because I am used to that. 
Also kinda funny. Some of the people in the group (mostly women if I am being honest) did them with me. they Already heard the sermon. And told me what a catch I'll be some day. 
Professional degree, good earning, tall, handsome (whatever that means), going to the gym to stay fit, high metabolism so I'll stay fit, I eat anything and I help with dishes. One lady (but she was kinda...different) joked she should set me up with her niece. 
Nice to know I'll be a hit with the ladies...when I have a life. 
And those ladies don't know about the alcoholism. And the depression. And the family history. And the abandonment. 
But disregarding that, I'm apparently a great catch! In the opinion of a bunch of married religious women ages 30-60ish. 

After that, most of it was kinda boring. 

Got invited to the Thanksgiving. 

Oh, dad sent me a text saying "Hope you had a nice Thanksgiving."
I wanted to send him a pic of the bird, but decided against it. 

The Thanksgiving dinner I was invited to was...different. 
The family there was as welcoming as can be expected from a family that prepared a meal for their immediate family, then have a random 22 year old college student dropped on their doorstep. 
Told them I worked in a jewelry store though and that I can get them some good deals. So...maybe that smoothed things over. 
They also had the longest freaking grace given before a meal I had ever seen. Maybe it was because I was there (doubt it) or normal, who knows. 
Food was pretty good. Met the kids, the parents, the extended family. 

And want to know the most awkward question to ask somebody on any holiday, where they should be family, and they aren't? 
If you guessed "Why aren't you spending Thanksgiving with your family?" then you're right! 

I am glad the answer of family problems, and the fact my last name isn't Soprano, is all they needed, and that they didn't press the issue. 


dignityhonorpride said:


> That's awesome! It sounds like a good, if nontraditional, Thanksgiving.
> 
> *Most people out there are caring, genuine -- no harm in opening up just a little bit from time to time. *
> 
> ...


You'll excuse me if I don't believe that given my current situation. 
I prefer to believe most people are greedy and self-centered. Seems to be a safer assumption, to me at least, than the opposite.


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## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

Broken at 20: you are so right with the last part of your post.people are always looking for what's in it for them.if you open up to them you will probably get shafted.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BA 20, it is possible your parents should never have married. They concentrate on their own happiness at the expense of the happiness of their child and that is not good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Yes, it is the safer assumption, Broken.

You are 100% correct.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I didn't know what to write after reading that. It's true, but it's tough to read from someone so young. It can be bitterness that brings folks to the conclusion the world is greedy and self-centered. I realize you wrote, "most people'. Its still tough to read. 

Yes, it's true. I suppose, if we didn't have some greed in us, we'd not try to make lots of money or buy lots of unnecessary things. We'd live just a little above poverty, only having enough to survive. I guess it's not a totally bad thing. It's taken too far sometimes to a point where we don't consider others before we do something. Sometimes that has to happen. Most times it doesn't.

Yes, you will be much safer if you consider that everyone will attempt to take advantage of you, even if they aren't. Just don't let that allow you to treat people wrongly. Just allow it to keep you on guard to an extent. 

I'm sorry you have to learn that so soon. i'm also glad you are learning it, so you won't be taken advantage of as easily in the future.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Well, computer decided to freak out when I was finishing my project. Lost it. 
I am about ready to kill myself because of it. (obvious hyperbole is obvious) So super angry. 

So drinking, and tired, and angry right now. 


So...totally F-ed tomorrow. 
Woohoo. 

Fvck. 
And drinking. 
Always drinking. 
On a Sunday. 
Well, it was a Sunday. Now it is a Monday. And that magically makes it all better. 


So going try to get my mind off the fact I totally F-ed tomorrow, so I thought what will I do Christmas? 
I mean, I got lucky Thanksgiving. I got invited to a random person's house. And got some turkety. And sweet ptotaotos. I love sweet potatose. 
But with my work, and wanting to go to a late church service, well, not teh best feeling. Work all Christmas eve, go to a bar until 10, go to a church service at 11, then sleep in the parking lot. 
Sounds like a winning holiday. 
Because when you're at a bar 
Christmas eve, that just screams winner. 

I know that won;t happen in Chirstmas. Getting inviited to someone close by for just a day. Have ths urroagate family. 
Sure, I could do the same on Christmas. Homeless hsoleter,. 
But, dafuq else? 
Spend it in the church parking lot? Use their wifi, and watch Christmas movies? Until my extended family leave so I can go back to being the unwanted oldest child living in the basement? Like a prisoner in a hole? 
And this laptop is a POS, and my old one can't connect to le internet. So...
Got some m ovies. And could catch up on theat boardwalk empire. 
But the battery only last 6 ghours. 3 years ago. 
Fvck. Need better plan./ 


but, other ideas? For Christmas?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

One thought is spending the holidays with your brother? Not sure if that is an option.

Do you have extended extended family? For instance I have a aunts and uncles that would be an option that don't come to immediate family functions. 

I havent been to my immediate family functions since 2008. My entire family was so scared of my mother they allowed her to threaten them about me, but slowly over time, the family function has moved to my aunts house because no one wants to be around my horrid mother at the holidays, so I am invited now, but it took five years for the family to see through her abuse and start to make their own stand to it. So I know the pain 1st hand. I went from being very involved in those celebrations for forty years to nothing over night. It was a horrible experience. I was able to see my husbands family, but the pain was still horrible. I grieved a lot. Still do over my mother and step father from time to time. I'm proud of you for continuing to search for answers. You will come out of this stronger than you can imagine right now. I am so sorry you are going through it. Just know, that I know.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> One thought is spending the holidays with your brother? Not sure if that is an option.


I would love to spend it with him. 
If he wasn't...you know...spending it with the family. In the house. That I live in. But am not allowed to be in for Christmas. 


> Do you have extended extended family? For instance I have a aunts and uncles that would be an option that don't come to immediate family functions.


Yea. All them aunts and uncles. 
On my dad's side, they all likely think I am a thug. Since dad has likely brought up how he and I got into physical fights. Several times. 
And I got them on my mom's side too. And if they talked to my mom at all, I am probably a conniving, selfish, son that took his father's side as a helper with the affair. 
Then again, I don't know how my mom or dad talk about me to my relatives. All I know is how they treat me, and that my grandparents hate me. 

So...
Yea. Not the greatest prospects there. 


And my cousin. That gave me crap for all that vodka I drank at dad's wedding. 

So...There's my prospects for who I can spend it with. Which is the best option?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Broken at 20 said:


> I would love to spend it with him.
> If he wasn't...you know...spending it with the family. In the house. That I live in. But am not allowed to be in for Christmas.
> 
> Yea. All them aunts and uncles.
> ...


I would see if your brother could make some time for just you and him either before or after the main event or a separate day.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Super tired. 


Anyway, today, was limke. wierd. 


Met with dad to talk today; Well, after/ crap. 
Working now. '

Anyway, sister told me he wanted to talk to me. Because he is on the block thing of my phone. After I realized how that works. Because as an accounrting major, I only use normal comptuer operating systems. Because Fvck Mac. I ahte my phone sometimes. 
1st world problems for thw in. 


I should probably stop referencing meems you people don't get. Then again, maybe it makes you people get younger references. Damn it I'm awesome. 

But talk with dad. 
He found out I spent Thanksgiving alone. Asked me why I didn;t tell him I was banned from mom's. 
I told him us exchanging more than a few pujhnces made me assume I was unwelcomed. And those blackeuyes we gave each otehr. And that time I hiot him so ahrd he threw up. And that time he hit me so hard I had to deal with sky high tgestostere for a week. 
Figure that one out!!!

Anyway, he said I am his sone, and he would've had me over. 
Strangely, I doubtd his words. Because he is an *******. 

So he asked me whats the plamn Christmas. And New Years. 
Told hijm I plan to spend Christmas in the Church parking lot for 12+ hours, drunk out of my mind for most of them, and watching videos on myh phone with the free wifi.; Because I figured out how to do that. 

He asked me if Iw ould like to go to my cousin, where that side of the family usually goes for Christmas. And his house for Christmas eve. 
I don't trust him. 
But he invited him. 

Wtf do I do? 
I don't trust him. 
But he inviteed me. More than I can say from mom. 

Plus, I still ahte me. 
I want my mom to love me. Not him. He is amn *******,. And bastared. 

So...what's the plan? 
Let me repharse that. 

What should I do?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> Super tired.
> 
> 
> Anyway, today, was limke. wierd.
> ...


Broken can you network with a few fellow students and rent a house via craigslist.
If not look to rent a room through craigslist.
You need to get away at least for a while and heal.
A friends older sister gave me a gin and tonic at 16 and I blacked out never had one after that.
Please you were caught in the middle stop blaming yourself maybe your mother will miss you after some time.
Just my take man.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Does your Mom know you spent Thankgiving at the homeless shelter helping out?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> Super tired.
> 
> 
> Anyway, today, was limke. wierd.
> ...


Stop assuming. It makes an ass(out of)u(and)me. This is just an old saying. It's pretty true, though. Your own fears and lack of self-confidence are holding you back. 

First off, Tom had a good idea. Get away, if you can. Also, make small goals for yourself that are doable and revel a little in your accomplishment. Don't beat yourself up too much if you don't. We all fail at times. 

Jealousy is ugly and childish. I cannot say I am never jealous. I do try to curb that emotion. I encourage you to get things to do that will keep you from having too much time on your hands and allow you to interact with others, thereby keeping you from thinking about these things so much. I also encourage you to make a list of things you are grateful for and add to it as time goes on. Keep it in mind when you feel jealous, and/or keep a small card with the most important things in your wallet at all times to look at and reflect on. You actually do have things you can, be grateful for. 

Make up your mind what you want to do. Make a list of the pros and cons of what is being offered for Christmas. You have time. Put it down and then in a day or two, take another look and see how you feel/what you think. Take a chance that you could make a decent decision. You can do this pros and cons list for anything. Just make it and set it down. After you are less emotional about it, you can look again and see what you want. You can even come back to it after you have done whatever you decided and see if your fears were well founded or just mostly paranoia. 

None of what I am writing are orders. It's all up to you. These are just suggestions. Take them or leave them. I don't live your life. You are intelligent enough to make your own decisions. Just want to help if I can by giving some of my own thoughts.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Oh, don't tell your mom the stuff you do, unless you have to. No sense making her jealous. Better for her to find out through others, if she really even cares and for you to just live a decent, satisfying life.

HuH? What I meant was, just live your life. Don't try to make her jealous. That's what her big issue is, I think. Just leave that alone or you will create problems for yourself. You don't need the drama. You have enough.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

2ntnuf said:


> *Stop assuming. * YES!
> 
> Make up your mind what you want to do. Make a list of the pros and cons of what is being offered for Christmas. You have time. Put it down and then in a day or two, take another look and see how you feel/what you think. Take a chance that you could make a decent decision. You can do this pros and cons list for anything. Just make it and set it down. After you are less emotional about it, you can look again and see what you want. You can even come back to it after you have done whatever you decided and see if your fears were well founded or just mostly paranoia.


I really like this and I also like you pursuing your own space like Tom is advocating with people who hold no leverage over you. 

Make up your mind what YOU want to do that is constructive would be my encouragement. 

But either way... let it be your decision. 

Tell your Dad you will let him know when you know what you decide.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Thought I made a post a few days ago. Must have been drunk or something. 



Blossom Leigh said:


> Does your Mom know you spent Thankgiving at the homeless shelter helping out?


Yes. 
I didn't bother telling her I went to another family's Thanksgiving. She would likely be glad it worked out that way. 
Or maybe mad that someone could actually show me love. I don't know. 
I am not a woman. Nor do I understand detaching from your kids. Or just...kid. 



2ntnuf said:


> Stop assuming. It makes an ass(out of)u(and)me. This is just an old saying. It's pretty true, though. Your own fears and lack of self-confidence are holding you back.
> 
> First off, Tom had a good idea. Get away, if you can. Also, make small goals for yourself that are doable and revel a little in your accomplishment. Don't beat yourself up too much if you don't. We all fail at times.
> 
> ...


You know, about the assuming part...
My dad and I have gotten in several fights. Several times it ended with black eyes, bruises, and feeling really sore the next day. 
So I could safely assume, unless I want to get in another fight, I wasn't invited to my dad's Thanksgiving. 
I will admit though, most of them were caused by yelling some pretty mean and terrible things at each other. And after the first time he got a cheap hit off on me, I was always on my guard. 
And I initiated a few of them preemptively. I figured if we are going to hit each other, I want to be the first one to throw a punch. 

I don't get the jealousy part. 



2ntnuf said:


> Oh, don't tell your mom the stuff you do, unless you have to. No sense making her jealous. Better for her to find out through others, if she really even cares and for you to just live a decent, satisfying life.
> 
> HuH? What I meant was, just live your life. Don't try to make her jealous. That's what her big issue is, I think. Just leave that alone or you will create problems for yourself. You don't need the drama. You have enough.


Again....I kinda get it. But kinda don't. 
Can you explain further? 



Blossom Leigh said:


> I really like this and I also like you pursuing your own space like Tom is advocating with people who hold no leverage over you.
> 
> Make up your mind what YOU want to do that is constructive would be my encouragement.
> 
> ...


I haven't heard too many good stories from college buddies about their roommates. Most of the time, the stories are actually really bad. 
And I expect I would be a horrible roommate. 
Always working, so I can't party. Working late at night too. 
And I doubt my alcoholism is a selling point. 
And I eat a lot. 

So..won't be that easy.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

And would've included this with the above reply, but then it would've been super freaking long. So...part 2. 


Christmas just keeps looking more and more depressing. 

I met dad earlier this week to talk about Christmas, and to pick up my sister from his house. Since she for some reason likes to keep (or at least pretend) she has both families, and a functional family at that. 
Then again, probably easier for her. She is on good terms with the entire family. She was even allowed to go to the Grandparents for Thanksgiving, yet she went to dad's wedding. But she wasn't in it...so....whatever. 
I told dad I am done with him. I am tired of seeing the OW's son act like my replacement, or my dad at least treating him like it. (And I have to include this: OW's married some bimbo that does nothing and is getting a divorce. LOL!)
And I am tired of his BS. I didn't know his angle for inviting me to Christmas, but I am sure it was for something. Something to make me look like a fool. 
He said something back, I don't remember. 
It ended with me telling him (more like...yelled at him, and yes, I did have to pre-plan this one) "I rather have not had a father than have you as one." Or something like that. 

So yea....guess I can cross that off my list of sh1t to do. 

My sister asked me earlier this week during a dinner I was actually present at what I wanted for Christmas. 
I told her "Same thing I'm getting you. Nothing. Because I won't be there." 
That probably irked mom. 
And that kinda made the dinner super awkward...

But I am past caring. 


As for today, had an...up and down day. 
Sold over $4000 of jewelry at the store today. 
But I thought it was odd the guy bought the exact same necklace and earrings twice. 
Then my boss said "He is one of my best customers. Buys one set for his wife, the other for his girlfriend."
I didn't feel too great after that.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> Thought I made a post a few days ago. Must have been drunk or something.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


This is why I thought it best not to bring up what you did for Thanksgiving. You have plenty of things you can talk about with her that don't involve this. 

-school
-her

Those should give you something to discuss. I'm sure you can think of other things.





Broken at 20 said:


> You know, about the assuming part...
> My dad and I have gotten in several fights. Several times it ended with black eyes, bruises, and feeling really sore the next day.
> So I could safely assume, unless I want to get in another fight, I wasn't invited to my dad's Thanksgiving.
> I will admit though, most of them were caused by yelling some pretty mean and terrible things at each other. And after the first time he got a cheap hit off on me, I was always on my guard.
> And I initiated a few of them preemptively. I figured if we are going to hit each other, I want to be the first one to throw a punch.


as·sume
əˈso͞om/Submit
verb
1.
suppose to be the case, without proof.
"you're afraid of what people are going to assume about me"
synonyms:	presume, suppose, take it (as given), take for granted, take as read, conjecture, surmise, conclude, deduce, infer, reckon, reason, think, fancy, believe, understand, gather, figure
"I assumed he wanted me to keep the book"
2.
take or begin to have (power or responsibility).
"he assumed full responsibility for all organizational work"
synonyms:	accept, shoulder, bear, undertake, take on/up, manage, handle, deal with
"they are to assume more responsibility"



de·duce
dəˈdo͞os/
verb
arrive at (a fact or a conclusion) by reasoning; draw as a logical conclusion.
"little can be safely deduced from these figures"
synonyms:	conclude, reason, work out, infer; More
archaic
trace the course or derivation of.
"he cannot deduce his descent wholly by heirs male"


That should explain the difference. One is based in fact and the other isn't. 



Broken at 20 said:


> I don't get the jealousy part.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I have to apologize and beg forgiveness. I don't remember why I wrote that about jealousy. I looked and could not figure what I was thinking. I think it was related to how you ended the part I put in bold in your large post above. After I read it again, I felt like I was overreacting. Sorry about that. 






Broken at 20 said:


> I haven't heard too many good stories from college buddies about their roommates. Most of the time, the stories are actually really bad.
> And I expect I would be a horrible roommate.
> Always working, so I can't party. Working late at night too.
> And I doubt my alcoholism is a selling point.
> ...


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

So understood that the "best customer" was a cheater... Sorry  trigger for you for sure


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

You know what? I've found so many folks who cheat since I've gone through being a BS, it's incredible. I wonder if you could have sold that jackass something else to run up his bill? hahaha Oh well, you didn't know. At least it wasn't anyone close to you. I've found myself feeling strong feelings for those who have let it slip they betrayed or are betraying their spouse. There are so many. I don't know what to tell you other than to keep in mind the sale is most important in your job. You are treating them well for the sale, not out of respect for their values. That sucks.


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## abart (Aug 5, 2014)

meet new people, get a girlfriend, get out of your moms house before 2015.I'm sure its depressing to be there your better off on your own ,man.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> So understood that the "best customer" was a cheater... Sorry  trigger for you for sure


Yea, wasn't a good time. 
When I first came to this site, I though triggers were a joke. I just thought "think of something else. How hard can it be?"

Well, guess I know now. 

Next time he comes in though, I am showing his wife a 2.0kt diamond we got in from some vendor a few days ago. Figure I can't tell his wife about his cheating. 
But if I can make him drop $15k on his wife, he won't be able to afford a gf. 

Or maybe try and get his wife hooked on some Rolex. They like to shove diamonds into their watches for women. And their diamonds have to be excellent of quality. And then if I can sell her on a platinum Rolex because platinum is more expensive than 18k gold and she wears white gold...
Damn it, I need to write this down somewhere. That would easily cost $20k+
I am so evil it is delicious! Or maybe good! Because it is evil to accomplish good! 



abart said:


> meet new people, get a girlfriend, get out of your moms house before 2015.I'm sure its depressing to be there your better off on your own ,man.


I know a lot of people. I just prefer to not share my problems. For example, no one at school knows I was uninvited to my grandparents Thanksgiving and disowned by my mom's side of the family. No one knows that my dad and I have gotten into it several times. 
Why?
Because why the FVCK would I tell them that!? They don't need to know my problems. 
And I don;t trust people. 

Well, except for my grad buddy. 

As for getting a girlfriend, I would be the world's worst boyfriend. 
Sure, I work in a jewelry store. I imagine that is a selling point. And I go to a gym, so I stay in shape. \
I am also always doing homework. I doubt a gf would be ok with 1-date every 3 weeks. Besides, what girl would want to date me? 
I know what I am. A monster. A raging, depressed, alcoholic failure that can't even be loved by his own family. 


I actually talked to my grad buddy today. Over phone. Told him I was disowned by my family and not invited to Christmas. 
And that I will be spending Christmas alone. 

He told me I needed to find something to do that day. And Christmas eve. Otherwise he is scared what I'll do. 

So...what does one do on christmas when disowned? And having to work 24 and 26th? 
Because is it horrible to say I don't want to spend it in a homeless shelter
?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Lol. Broken, trackin ya on the platinum.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

In time, you'll learn to let people in. 

Could you volunteer at an animal shelter?


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> You know what? I've found so many folks who cheat since I've gone through being a BS, it's incredible. I wonder if you could have sold that jackass something else to run up his bill? hahaha Oh well, you didn't know. At least it wasn't anyone close to you. I've found myself feeling strong feelings for those who have let it slip they betrayed or are betraying their spouse. There are so many. I don't know what to tell you other than to keep in mind the sale is most important in your job. You are treating them well for the sale, not out of respect for their values. That sucks.


I am being usepr serious on the Rolex. 

\I'd go for a diamond Piaget or Audemars, but since I don't ahvem, nor does my boss have access to those vendors, goptta choose something realistuic. 

Also, you said you know 50 people mairrages you could destroy. 
Inifdielty? 
Why haven't you done anything? 

If its men cheating, I assune it is because of business./ 
If its women, I suassume you think it is better their husbands not pass on their sh1tty genes to the future gneeation, but pass on the DNa of the PSOSM becauise that makes us all better right? 


Blossom Leigh said:


> In time, you'll learn to let people in.
> 
> Could you volunteer at an animal shelter?


Allergies. So...No,. 

And no, I won't let p[eople in. 
Fvck opeople. People are bad. 


As for my paeenrts, I am aware. I can;'t be loved. Moshnter. Nothing to do about it. Contept. Contemkpt. Fuvck. I am done with it. Just waiting until May when I graduate. 

Also, question for the alcoholics out there. And doctors. 
Is acid reflux normal? Or just the...burning esophoagus? 

Another question, is my sleeping habits. 
I am not sleeping. Except for 3 hours. 
Grad buddy said my alcoholism is not helping it. 
How long does it take before my sleep goes back to normal? Might be useful next semester, but I would enjoy getting sleep right now.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Yes, acid reflux is normal with alcohol. It relaxes the esophageal valve at the end of your esophagus and allows the acid into it.

You are not a monster. 

You are in pain.

Big difference.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> I am being usepr serious on the Rolex.
> 
> \I'd go for a diamond Piaget or Audemars, but since I don't ahvem, nor does my boss have access to those vendors, goptta choose something realistuic.
> 
> ...


I don't think I ever gave a number. I just know of more people now who have discussed it with me than ever before. Maybe I have changed my thinking? I may have felt before, it was none of my business. After being on TAM and after going through a living hell of a life, I believe they need to get their just desserts. I think they should have consequences for their actions. 

These men who have mentioned some infidelity, I don't know very well. I don't know where they live. I've never met their wife. I don't know enough about them to be able to tell the BS anything concrete. It would be like blowing up a family over hearsay. I can't do that. Proof is the key. If I have that, I will say or do something that will alert the BS. 

What I have found in the past when I have mentioned something like this to a BS, is they don't believe me and they get angry with me. Both the BS and the WS are no longer my friends and they say I am not able to be trusted with secrets. It's a tightrope walk. It's best to let them know without exposing yourself and with evidence. Just mentioning something you know is true will not convince the BS that an affair is going on. 

Most of these folks told me of past occurrences that happened years ago. This makes it more difficult to prove. I don't want to spend my life searching for evidence of other's affairs, unless I really knew what I was doing and getting paid for it. 




Broken at 20 said:


> Allergies. So...No,.
> 
> And no, I won't let p[eople in.
> Fvck opeople. People are bad.
> ...


You can be loved. Some people don't know how to love. Love is an action word. You don't know how they feel about you unless they do things that make you feel pleasant. Your parents seem like they haven't been able to show you they love you, in a way you understand as love. Sometimes parents do that. They get lost in their lives and can't seem to remember how to love their children in the way that is best for them. 

Go to AA meetings. You don't have to say much of anything the first few times or until you are ready. It's good support because there are a whole bunch of people out there with the same problems. Attending meetings can help a great deal in many aspects of your life. I know someone who goes. It has helped him greatly. He is a decent man, but he needs the support to get through the tough times. Nothing wrong with that. We all need support. Isn't that why we are on TAM?

ETA: Something else to think about. Some people don't know when they are being loved. They don't allow themselves to be loved in the way that the person loving them is able to show. They reject it so as not to allow themselves to be vulnerable. Check out some TED talks on vulnerability. Do a search when you have the time.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Been a while since a post. 

Finals are winding down. So there's that. 

Don't know if I hit that functioning alcoholic level or not. But it's not getting any better. 
And no. Not going to AA. 

Talked with grad-counselor. He didn't really have much more to tell me that I already don't know. 
Don't know why I keep talking with him. Could spend that hour doing productive crap. 

So there's that. 

Went out to a bar to celebrate finishing up some accounting project last week, and a few girls noticed me and a buddy there, and started talking to us. 
He, being 25 and quite the player when he was younger, must have felt right at home. I wasn't. 
And he either clearly noticed this, or he is the best wing man of all time. Even when I don't want to be wing-manned, he does it. 

As for work today, the family that bought the old family house came in. Or well, the husband did. 
I didn't even recognize him. Husband came in searching for something for the wife. When I realized who it was after getting his info, I finished the sale, then went and threw up in the bathroom. 
Don't even know why. I wasn't disgusted with myself. 

Family situation is still a mess. 
My sister likes to conveniently leave her health book open to the part about alcoholism around the house. Usually somewhere she knows I'll be. 

I am starting to get to that point of indifference with the family. It is...upsetting. I don't like it. But it is what it is. 
How do people continue with the 180? 
I imagine as a BS, if you have a WS, they are likely trying to fix everything, or at least enough to fake a reconciliation. Must make it hard to turn away from someone you both love and that is caring for you. 
I am having trouble doing it to people that don't even care about me. 
How do other BS do it?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Never did the 180. I know it works because my ex did it with me. Ripped me apart. Trouble is, it made me turn around and start to try and talk. She didn't want to talk. So, it worked it's magic for nothing. I guess she needed it to detach. 

Your sister loves you. Don't be mean with her. She's doing the best she can. She doesn't want you to be an alcoholic. She knows it won't do you any good in life. 

Puked, eh? snickers...You'll be alright. You are building character. 

Get off the alcohol. You don't need it. You are a hell of a lot stronger than you think. Networking is good. Don't let that psych go till you are really done. When is that? Maybe Blossom knows.

Hey, keep up the good work. Full steam ahead.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> Never did the 180. I know it works because my ex did it with me. Ripped me apart. Trouble is, it made me turn around and start to try and talk. She didn't want to talk. So, it worked it's magic for nothing. I guess she needed it to detach.
> 
> Your sister loves you. Don't be mean with her. She's doing the best she can. She doesn't want you to be an alcoholic. She knows it won't do you any good in life.


I can't. 
If I have to cut out the family, I can't keep one piece of it, or hold onto one piece of it. I have to cut it all out. As long as I hold onto her, it will remind me of a lot of pleasant memories that I can no longer have. And lead to only pain. 
And it is for her own good. 
She can't hold onto me either. When we get older, I can't be at her birthday. I can't be at Christmas and Thanksgiving with her. Even if I go to her graduation, I can't tell anyone, let alone her. Otherwise, the rest of the family wouldn't go. 
It is better this way. 



> Puked, eh? snickers...You'll be alright. You are building character.


It wasn't from drinking you jerk. It was 2 in the afternoon when the guy came in. And I haven't puked from drinking in a long time. 


> Get off the alcohol. You don't need it. You are a hell of a lot stronger than you think. Networking is good. Don't let that psych go till you are really done. When is that? Maybe Blossom knows.


Done with what?
I am not happy. Talking with him won't change that. And he can't tell me anything to make me happy. Nor can he do anything to make me happy. Or at least feel better.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Hun, I truly get the desire to cut them all out to eliminate the pain. It just elevates the risk of an emotional vaccuum to the degree that self destruction could kick in. If you make that choice make sure you have a network to replace it.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I'm very sorry about your puking reaction to the client. It tells me your trauma runs deep. Very deep..


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> I can't.
> If I have to cut out the family, I can't keep one piece of it, or hold onto one piece of it. I have to cut it all out. As long as I hold onto her, it will remind me of a lot of pleasant memories that I can no longer have. And lead to only pain.
> And it is for her own good.
> She can't hold onto me either. When we get older, I can't be at her birthday. I can't be at Christmas and Thanksgiving with her. Even if I go to her graduation, I can't tell anyone, let alone her. Otherwise, the rest of the family wouldn't go.
> ...


Maybe you just need to distance yourself from them? 

I know it wasn't from drinking. What can I say? I'm sorry you had to sell to a cheater? Do you know how many there are? Likely 50% of all humans, minimum. Many are never discovered. If that is true, how will you know who is and isn't? What could you do about it anyway? You can't live your life hating everyone. You can only hate what they do. 

What do you think would make you happy? Is it realistic? Can you work toward obtaining or doing those things?

Hey, here's a link that might be interesting. I shared this in another thread. I'm reading it myself. If it doesn't help, no big deal. It was worth the try.

The Critical Inner Voice Explained


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Ok then... Some humor:

The difference between swine flu and bird flu...

You fix bird flu with tweetment and you treat swine flu with oinkment.


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> I'm very sorry about your puking reaction to the client. It tells me your trauma runs deep. Very deep..


Going to assume that is a bad thing. 



2ntnuf said:


> Maybe you just need to distance yourself from them?


You mean like, what I'm doing now? 
They already are cutting me out. 
Or more like, cut me out. Cutting out would imply they still maintain some contact. 


> I know it wasn't from drinking. What can I say? I'm sorry you had to sell to a cheater?


the guy wasn't a cheater. It was the guy that bought the old house before parents split, and moved into separate houses. I figured it out when he told me the address. 


> Do you know how many there are? Likely 50% of all humans, minimum. Many are never discovered. If that is true, how will you know who is and isn't? What could you do about it anyway? You can't live your life hating everyone. You can only hate what they do.


Ok, maybe he is a cheater. Who knows. 


> What do you think would make you happy? Is it realistic? Can you work toward obtaining or doing those things?


Someone telling me the divorce wasn't my fault. But I won't be getting that. 
A Ferrari Enzo. But....yea. 
Some form of support from somebody besides faceless names on the internet. At least some feeling that I did the right thing. But won't be getting that so...
A night with Gianna Michaels. But...well, also not going to happen. 
Or just a good night's sleep. Got 2 hours of sleep last night. Not from me finishing some project that I started way to late, or from cramming, my body just won't fall asleep. 
I've tried using supplements to deal with it. I popped three pills of valerian last night, and they didn't do a damn thing.

Granted, I did wash them down with box wine. But I would imagine 3 would eventually cause something. 


> Hey, here's a link that might be interesting. I shared this in another thread. I'm reading it myself. If it doesn't help, no big deal. It was worth the try.
> 
> The Critical Inner Voice Explained


If nothing else, I got some light reading over break at least.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Q tip said:


> Ok then... Some humor:
> 
> The difference between swine flu and bird flu...
> 
> You fix bird flu with tweetment and you treat swine flu with oinkment.


:lol:


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Its PTSD


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Sorry about that. I really need to ask more questions instead of assuming. Shame on me. This is tough on you. 

The divorce wasn't your fault. It wasn't. They are full grown adults. They make good decisions. They make bad decisions. They are all their decisions, not yours. You could no more make them divorce than you could make them marry. It's all on them.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Its PTSD


Ok, I know what that is. 

What makes you think I have it?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Broken at 20 said:


> Ok, I know what that is.
> 
> What makes you think I have it?


You vomited at the sight of a man that bought your old house, the one where the family was last together.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Well, if it's ptsd, here's a link for you to read on that. You need to get help for it. If you don't have insurance, check on getting it from the state where you live. Many young adults going to a university or college can get health insurance at low or no cost. You will have to look this up in your state. Check whatever they offer for mental health services. Some don't cover them as much as others. Some don't cover mental health services at all. 



> If you suspect that you or a loved one has post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), it’s important to seek help right away. The sooner PTSD is confronted, the easier it is to overcome. If you’re reluctant to seek help, keep in mind that PTSD is not a sign of weakness, and the only way to overcome it is to confront what happened to you and learn to accept it as a part of your past. This process is much easier with the guidance and support of an experienced therapist or doctor.
> 
> It’s only natural to want to avoid painful memories and feelings. But if you try to numb yourself and push your memories away, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) will only get worse. You can’t escape your emotions completely—they emerge under stress or whenever you let down your guard—and trying to do so is exhausting. The avoidance will ultimately harm your relationships, your ability to function, and the quality of your life.


Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): Symptoms, Treatment and Self-Help for PTSD


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> Sorry about that. I really need to ask more questions instead of assuming. Shame on me. This is tough on you.


And I try to inject humor in my post and life because I hate it and feel like I am going to hell. 

There I go assuming sh1t again. Like the fact I am funny in the monotone voice people have of me in their heads when they read my posts. Or the fact I wouldn't be invited to dad's Thanksgiving. 
I should get better jokes. The accounting majors I hang out with are an easy crowd. 


> *The divorce wasn't your fault.* It wasn't. They are full grown adults. They make good decisions. They make bad decisions. They are all their decisions, not yours. You could no more make them divorce than you could make them marry. It's all on them.


Hooray. You are maybe the 3rd person to ever tell me that? 
Want to know who the other 2 were? One was my old boss, the other I believe was another TAM member. Probably. Started drinking. So memory isn't...at 100%. 

And fine. divorce not my fault. 
Everything else is. 
My irreparable relationship with my mother. She will never care for me again. 
Supporting my dad when I shouldn't have. Led to the portion of the family I actually cared about to disown me. 
And the lack of any relationship I will ever have with my father. Even my brother started reaching out to him after my sister told him Dad wanted to. 
And the fact this all led to me pretty much spending holidays that are meant to be with family alone. 
That is all on me. 

You asked me what I wanted to be happy. 
I want to know that somewhere, at the end of all this, there is something on the other side. And I mean something more than just success in some career. 
Because simply telling me a good job in accounting, and freedom from my family, doesn't make me happy. Nor is it something I really look forward to.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> You vomited at the sight of a man that bought your old house, the one where the family was last together.


Could be. It wouldn't surprise me. It could be normal feelings exacerbated by drinking and not eating and sleeping right due to homework and studies. He needs a doctor. Now.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Again. Adults make their own decisions. You don't control them. They do as they see fit. Some adults don't know how to be responsible. It's still...not your fault. No children, as much as they want to find an answer that they can understand, the easiest of which is, "it's my fault", can actually be correct when they say that. Because, you are not responsible for those decisions normally made by adults. 

Why do you think they have juvenile court? They know kids don't understand things and don't have the ability to make those big decisions on their own. They know they were influenced somehow. There are exceptions, but they are few. 

Get working on getting some health insurance and seeing a doctor. You may have to do that on your own. It isn't that difficult and there will be lots of adults who will want to help you and do much of the work for you. Check into it, okay?


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> You vomited at the sight of a man that bought your old house, the one where the family was last together.


You know, when I first read this, I kind of wanted to hit you. 
I don't even know why. 

Then I broke down. 
At least I can cry in peace in the basement. No one comes down here, because it is 10 degrees colder than the rest of the house because of crappy building practices. 


Hooray for feeling like a failure. 

I do have health insurance. 
I got that covered by working in a jewelry store. Because I am for some unexplianable reason, ok at selling crap. Pretty remarkable considering I am not 'supposed' to sell diamonds. 

I don't know if it covers mental health.., wahtever. 
Besides, I have a grad student, counselor, buddy, guy. 
Why do I need more help?


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> Could be. It wouldn't surprise me. It could be normal feelings exacerbated by drinking and not eating and sleeping right due to homework and studies. He needs a doctor. Now.


What makes you think I don't have a doctor? 
I do. I just don't go to them.

Besides, I am eating fine. 
When I get to eat. 

I usually just heat up the left overs from the dinner everyone else eats together. I almost wonder if mom has dinner early to not have it with me. 

Besides, my sleep is what is killing me more than my drinking. 
Probably. 
Never heard of anyone dying from lack of sleep...well, physically at least. Car crashes and crpa don't count,. 



2ntnuf said:


> Again. Adults make their own decisions. You don't control them. They do as they see fit. Some adults don't know how to be responsible. It's still...not your fault. No children, as much as they want to find an answer that they can understand, the easiest of which is, "it's my fault", can actually be correct when they say that. Because, you are not responsible for those decisions normally made by adults.


And how the fvck does that matter?

My decisions led to myh situation. 
Fine. Not responsible for divorce. 
Everything else? Who's responsible there? 


> Why do you think they have juvenile court? They know kids don't understand things and don't have the ability to make those big decisions on their own. They know they were influenced somehow. There are exceptions, but they are few.


And I was 20 when I came here. 
Do you think I would be put on the stand in juvenile court? 
Now I am 22. And I wish I was 20. I was still optimistic, had hope, believed in the good of people, and I didn't feel like a monster. 


> Get working on getting some health insurance and seeing a doctor. You may have to do that on your own. It isn't that difficult and there will be lots of adults who will want to help you and do much of the work for you. Check into it, okay?


I already got health insurance. It is probably the cheapest money can buyh. And probably dones';t include mental health. Because fvck mental health as long as you can sell stuff right?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> You know, when I first read this, I kind of wanted to hit you.
> I don't even know why.
> 
> Then I broke down.
> ...


You are not a failure despite your feelings. 

Good. Insurance, that's great.

A practicing psychologist who is experienced in the kind of trauma you've been through will know how to help you heal much more quickly. S/he will be motivated partly by the money s/he will get. This grad student basically gets nothing for his advice and has less responsibility for his recommendations. 

Make an appointment with someone who has experience dealing with the things you've been through. Look some up online and then call them as soon as you can. Make an appointment. Be aware you may not like your first choice. It may take going to a couple of them before you find the best choice for you. Each has a little different approach. 

Do it. It will help you. Come back and post about what you find. You need professional help. Please get it.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> You are not a failure despite your feelings.


My own father called me that. 
My own mother probably thinks that. She would never tell me that, because she doesn't talk to me. 

What else can call you me? 


> Good. Insurance, that's great.


That is cheap. 
Must have missed that part. 


> A practicing psychologist who is experienced in the kind of trauma you've been through will know how to help you heal much more quickly. S/he will be motivated partly by the money s/he will get. This grad student basically gets nothing for his advice and has less responsibility for his recommendations.
> 
> Make an appointment with someone who has experience dealing with the things you've been through. Look some up online and then call them as soon as you can. Make an appointment. Be aware you may not like your first choice. It may take going to a couple of them before you find the best choice for you. Each has a little different approach.
> 
> Do it. It will help you. Come back and post about what you find. You need professional help. Please get it.


If I wasn't going to go to AA, why the fvck would I go to some counselor? 

And what constitutes best choice? 
And how would I know what the best choice is?

For exdample, a WS would probablty consider the counselro that blames the BS and says it wasn't their fault, the best choice. 
Just like the BS that holds the WS to the fire, and expects, something, to be the best choice.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

How to Choose a Psychologist

Check this out. See if it answers your questions.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

So...what is this initial consultation fee? And why is it more? 

And why do I pay someone $100-$200 an hour to talk to?

I could that for free on chatroulette.

Nevermind. Fouind the intial consultation crap.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Depending on your insurance, the out of pocket cost can be a percentage down to nothing. It's likely it will cost something. Basically, you will have to make a call to the insurance provider and talk to someone about your benefits. The basics are covered in that link.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

And I am to accempt the fact I ptoentialy ahve PTSD from a forum of facelss internet users? 

If I am going to drop however much of a fvkcing consulgin fee, I at least want a secfond opinoion. 
Or siomething. 


Oh fvck. 

Who can tell I have been drinking?

My pierra sister dumped out something. 
So all I freaking have left is osme old gin. And it tastes like craop. But drinking gin. with splenda. that's it. 
Do alcoholics go to hell?


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> And I am to accempt the fact I ptoentialy ahve PTSD from a forum of facelss internet users?
> 
> If I am going to drop however much of a fvkcing consulgin fee, I at least want a secfond opinoion.
> Or siomething.
> ...


I believe she said you might have ptsd. I offered a link for you to read and decide for yourself. You have to remember where you are. The majority of folks here aren't counselors. We are just people supporting others in their effort to heal. We aren't able to diagnose a thing. If you didn't know that before, you do now. 

No, you are not supposed to accept anything from anyone here. It's not a place to get counseling for mental health. Although, some here are willing to share what they have read or done that helped them, you cannot rely on anyone except a doctor. 

You come here and accept advice at your own risk. You, as an adult, are responsible for your own decisions about what to do. No contracts are signed and no one tries to make you think they are anything except a human that cares. That's it.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Broken at 20 said:


> You know, when I first read this, I kind of wanted to hit you.
> I don't even know why.
> 
> Then I broke down.
> ...


You wanted to hit me because I bumped your trauma spot. I am glad you broke down, that was excellent. Why? Because when we hold that stuff in it comes oit sideways later. A safer place for those moments would be with a great therapist. You experienced a horrible trauma. Its why more help is wise. No shame in that hun... nor in the crying. I hear the distrust and very much understand it.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> You wanted to hit me because I bumped your trauma spot. I am glad you broke down, that was excellent. Why? Because when we hold that stuff in it comes oit sideways later. A safer place for those moments would be with a great therapist. You experienced a horrible trauma. Its why more help is wise. No shame in that hun... nor in the crying. I hear the distrust and very much understand it.


I am ashamed of it. 
And I wouldn't break down in front of a tjherapist. Ad if I did, I wouldn't want some therapist to tell me it is ok to brea kdown in front of them. 

But I also wonder, how much of my averison to therapist comes from my general distrust of people. 
And from watcfhing the Sopranos. Like when Tony says he could've gotten a ferrari for what he dropped wiht Dr. Melfi. He would've gotten a blowjob out of that. 
But I don't trust p[eople. How am I expected to just randomly talk to a therapist? In some professional environemtn? And don't they have some duty to go to the police? 

Fior example, I ma having to prepare tax returns for...an organbziation I probably shouldn't saty. Real ones. 
And I may be, may be not, but definitely am, doing it at least tipsy. And that nubmer will only go up until Ap[ril. Wjhen tax season stops. 
I im,agine that would go poorly. 

But so, there's that. 

By the way, if anyone here is using...a tax service prodividing free tax services and you are worried, you may want to check over your tax return. Just for...typo's. and...stuff,. 


I met my grad buddy today. Returning text books. Which is a f-ing racket. 
I either rent a book for $100 or buy it for $200 and get like $20 for it. If anyone on here is an executive for any of these book comapnies, Fvck you. Seriously. Just fvck you. Make your books cheaper! 

Anyway, talked to him. 
Told him about the...throwing up. 
We talked. I then hinted at the PTSD. 
He acknoweledged it is possible. But that for something like that, would require someone who has experience. More experience than he has. He is smart, but doesn't have expedrience in the field . 

Oferred to help em through it. But siad that he doesn't really know how to get me through something like tghat. If I have that. 
Did tell me hee could get me some special rates with a few people he knows. 
Hooray for networking. 

Now, mostly asking this because I want multiple opinions. 
Do I display the symptoms of someone with PTSD?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

When you find the right one it will feel natural eventually, but even if it takes time before its natural its perfectly ok. You need what you need. The right one will know how to respect your path and manage pressure well.

It is so interesting to me that after a suggestion you bluster first but then settle into the suggestion by the end of your post. The last few have been that way towards me. Its like a flury of distrust and deflection until you realize you are actually safe, then you relax. I'm seeing progress already. That relaxation and acceptance is good no matter how small it is. You are a good guy and I have nothing but the best hopes for you to break free of the pain of the past. No matter who put it there. I'm proud of you Broken.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Confidentiality in Clinical Psychology


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> And I try to inject humor in my post and life because I hate it and feel like I am going to hell.
> 
> There I go assuming sh1t again. Like the fact I am funny in the monotone voice people have of me in their heads when they read my posts. Or the fact I wouldn't be invited to dad's Thanksgiving.
> I should get better jokes. The accounting majors I hang out with are an easy crowd.
> ...


The sad fact is that your mother probably never really cared enough for you or about you in the first place.


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> When you find the right one it will feel natural eventually, but even if it takes time before its natural its perfectly ok. You need what you need. The right one will know how to respect your path and manage pressure well.


Ok...I kind of understand, kind of don't. 
Explaion. 



> It is so interesting to me that after a suggestion you bluster first but then settle into the suggestion by the end of your post.


You realize I am drinking whenm I am posting right? 
Hell. I am drinking right now. 

[/QUOTE]The last few have been that way towards me. Its like a flury of distrust and deflection until you realize you are actually safe, then you relax. [/QUOTE]
P[lease don't psyhco analyze me.

I doin't want to go to someone therpaist to have to learn how to trust hthem. 

And I don't really want to pay someone to figure out the natural fit withs someone. 
If I am paying $100/hr, something...uh, feels like I am on a date. And after three of these, well, something about a joke with the 3-date rule, and not getting to know people. 
Oh. 
If I don't feel like we're connecting by the third session, and I get a new one...
There's the joke!!! 


> I'm seeing progress already. That relaxation and acceptance is good no matter how small it is. You are a good guy and I have nothing but the best hopes for you to break free of the pain of the past. No matter who put it there. I'm proud of you Broken.


Something else I remembered. 
I am worrried about developing some, connectino with a therapist. 
Like IO remember Tony Sopranos fells in love with Mefli. 
Amnd I m,ight not want to leave himk because I am, replacing the family with soime freaking therapist over the family. 
But so...replacing family with therapist. Possible? Yes. MNo. ? 


Also had a meeting with my...tax, supervisor, preparer, guy, today. 
Most terrified mooment of my life. And didn;t help I was drinking. 
Told me I misspelled someone's name. 
Likely had hippy parents. 

Lol. 
Not a math error. Never a math error. 
Out of the...50?+ returns I've done. No math erros, no numerial errors, it was missppleing some hippy's kid's name.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Broken at 20 said:


> Ok...I kind of understand, kind of don't.
> Explaion.
> 
> 
> ...


P[lease don't psyhco analyze me.

I doin't want to go to someone therpaist to have to learn how to trust hthem. 

And I don't really want to pay someone to figure out the natural fit withs someone. 
If I am paying $100/hr, something...uh, feels like I am on a date. And after three of these, well, something about a joke with the 3-date rule, and not getting to know people. 
Oh. 
If I don't feel like we're connecting by the third session, and I get a new one...
There's the joke!!! 


Something else I remembered. 
I am worrried about developing some, connectino with a therapist. 
Like IO remember Tony Sopranos fells in love with Mefli. 
Amnd I m,ight not want to leave himk because I am, replacing the family with soime freaking therapist over the family. 
But so...replacing family with therapist. Possible? Yes. MNo. ? 


Also had a meeting with my...tax, supervisor, preparer, guy, today. 
Most terrified mooment of my life. And didn;t help I was drinking. 
Told me I misspelled someone's name. 
Likely had hippy parents. 

Lol. 
Not a math error. Never a math error. 
Out of the...50?+ returns I've done. No math erros, no numerial errors, it was missppleing some hippy's kid's name.[/QUOTE]

Omg you crack me up. But you know I see right through you right? I knew you would bluster more once I pointed it out right? You'll have to do better than that to throw me off your trail.. Lol! Yes, I know you are drinking, sometimes so am I. No, therapists can't replace family. Thats not possible. You cant make me not psycho analyze you, na na na na boo boo lol! And yes I know you are smart and competent, already noticed that. Next?


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Broken at 20 said:


> Ok...I kind of understand, kind of don't.
> Explaion.
> 
> 
> ...


Omg you crack me up. But you know I see right through you right? I knew you would bluster more once I pointed it out right? You'll have to do better than that to throw me off your trail.. Lol! Yes, I know you are drinking, sometimes so am I. No, therapists can't replace family. Thats not possible. You cant make me not psycho analyze you, na na na na boo boo lol! And yes I know you are smart and competent, already noticed that. Next?


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> Confidentiality in Clinical Psychology


Already read that. 
So gues IO am safe. 

Probably a good thing. 

but wojn;'t lie, if anyopne is receinv tax assiastance from an unpaid person, still check over for typo's. 

Juist saying. 
You never know. 



Blossom Leigh said:


> Omg you crack me up. But you know I see right through you right? I knew you would bluster more once I pointed it out right? You'll have to do better than that to throw me off your trail.. Lol!


Ok,. hoped OI did that amateur coding correct. 

Throw yoiu opf my scent, what do you mean? 
I like the internet. 
Unless ofne of you can hack my accountm, figuyre out the IP addres, and know where I live, and my new (after replacing the ultra sh!tty laptop) IP address, I am ot thnt worried. 

Somethinge else. 
uh. 

throw you off the trail? Wjhy would I do that? I like people on the internet. Becauise I dojn't jhave to wrroy about people on the internet judging me. 
And if you do, what are you gonna do? give me unhapyp faces? 
It's not liek yiour my boss, and know I am drunkj when I prepared that tax return for that single father at...som,eplace I know enough to ive the nam,e of. 
Not drunk enough yet. 

If you mean the therapist, probably. I hat epweople. 
I don't know. what is right? I don;t wnat to tell a thepaist everytiubng. 
Besides, I imagine opur fiurst appointment would go something like me saying nothing. 
Most expensive firesty date ever. 



> Yes, I know you are drinking, sometimes so am I. No, therapists can't replace family. Thats not possible. You cant make me not psycho analyze you, na na na na boo boo lol!


You jknow that remind me of today. 

think I borught uyp sister leaving her damn health book out ot alcoholic chapter. 
She had to turjn it in today. Suck it. 
Alcoholism for the win!!!

What was it...damn it. 

oh yea. I told her that today when she came home, that she couldn;'t leave her book out to nthe alcohlism part anymore. 
Suckl it. 
Granted, that was at 200, or...uh...like, 1400. When I was drinking for 0200 hours. 



> And yes I know you are smart and competent, already noticed that. Next?


Horay. 
Smart and competent,. 
The annoyiong mothers from Thanksgiving already told me tohat. 

Besideds, I am doing tazxes for people.While drunk. that generally earn >$25000 a year. 
Of couse I am competent. 
Who else does that? 

wish I had something wittier to say.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Yea yea, I know...


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Yea yea, I know...


Confused 
:scratchhead:


----------



## Kresaera (Nov 8, 2014)

I didn't read all 2 million pages on this thread, but I wanted to say that this is bull****! I would NEVER put my kids in the middle of something between my husband and I. I am so sorry you are going through this


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Kresaera said:


> I didn't read all 2 million pages on this thread, but I wanted to say that this is bull****! I would NEVER put my kids in the middle of something between my husband and I. I am so sorry you are going through this


You consider 13 pages 2 million? lol!

BTW been drinjking. 
so don't tak,e opffense. 

Lolz

Wisgh you wish one of my parnets.

ETA:
Could probably say that of like, hlaf the freaking posters here. I hate my parents. 
Or just...angry. And drunk,


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Kresaera said:


> I didn't read all 2 million pages on this thread, but I wanted to say that this is bull****! I would NEVER put my kids in the middle of something between my husband and I. I am so sorry you are going through this


Cool! 

UYpir blog is the sae site my youth orcheats wa p[art of. 

Until the direcot retired and I was kicekd ouat 19. 

Just sayi8ng. 

Interesting fact day FTW


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Broken at 20 said:


> Confused
> :scratchhead:


You wish you had something wittier to say


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> You wish you had something wittier to say


lol

Wish I knew how to put emoticons and...gif's inbto this, 

But gif are only good for porn. 
And emoticons for this:

(╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻

If uyou can;t read thsi. 
Then/. 
Sucks top be you


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

:rofl:


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

By the way. 

I think I read some spread sheet about some husbazmnd keeping track of sex with the wife. 
whcih was blasted by sites. 
And makes me want marriage lioke cuddlinf ect to tpa pocurpine. 

Anyway
Sleep patterns a [email protected]/ !!!

Something. 


anyways/
Sleep pattenrs will kill me firesty. 


how dol I sleep? 
I am not the Bs. I don't have the WS top go to.
I want to sleep. I domn;t car anymoer. 
I want sleep. 

Sleep

Because watching old shows on netflxci on my phone gets old really quicky.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Turn off the phone

Take some melatonin

Close your eyes


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> Already read that.
> So gues IO am safe.
> 
> Probably a good thing.
> ...


Broken,

I think you are doing really well. You have a whole bunch of things going on in your life. It's no wonder you get upset. Hang in there. 

I do think it would be good to go to a counselor. In the end, it's up to you.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

He'll get there, he just likes giving us crap about it. But I can read him like the back of my hand...


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Turn off the phone
> 
> Take some melatonin
> 
> Close your eyes


So...goin g to assume I passed out. 

Beacuse I don't remember posting this. 


> By the way.
> 
> I think I read some spread sheet about some husbazmnd keeping track of sex with the wife.
> whcih was blasted by sites.
> ...


And I woke up on the floor rthis morning. 
Always a good sign. 

Also kinda...broke my shower. or diiir to it. Somehow. Fixed it. 
But everyintgs pok! 

I had my last fional today. 
A teacher went over a buncyh of my stupid course work. Some glirified English calss for business manors. 

And she asked me how I was doing/ 
From there, it...went downhill. 
And I had one of those triggering things. 
Dind't end well. 
And the fact that she could probably smell the alcohol oin my breath from last night, or....well, this morning, like really early this morjmning, 


I also looked into cousnelors. 
Funny story. 
Apparently a lot of beoiope have problems. this time of tiear. Exactly. And getting an apponitofment for whatever initla consultation is not easy/ Especially at the age of 22, and not haivng good insurance. 

Sio...new plan. 
I need a new plan. 

so...other options for counseling?


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

You are right, this time of year is rough on people. Does your school have counseling services?


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Sol...supwer drunk. 
GHooray. 

Probably make this one of pthos two-party post. 
L:ike when youtube vbideo makers made their viedeos in tgwo parts. 
Remember? 




Blossom Leigh said:


> You are right, this time of year is rough on people. Does your school have counseling services?


Not during nopw. 
Of...winter...seaosmn, 
Uh. 
Break,. 


So...I went top church today,. 
Met with the yh ole youth orchestra I was part of. from age 7th grade to 19. 
Six lopng years. 

Anyway, I am allowed ot wplay with the kdis at Christmas eve service. I sually go to it,. 
Haven't planyed in 3 years. Lips are shot. 

Anyway, super fujny. 
The direcotr, some guy I don;t knorw, introduced himself to me. Said he didn;t know my name,. 
Told him name. 
Then asked me3 if I knew how to drive a dtruck. 
And incited me on their misssion trip during thye summer. 

LOLZ

Anyway, wouyld totlaally go. 
but would bring up unhappy memroiesr. 

But lol!

Something eklse.


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Damn it. 

Meant to post something, 

fvcds.c 

Uh. 
Whatevert. 

OPtjher thing. 

My mind is tearing mysself apart. 

I haven't postyed tjhis, because, feels kuike crazy. Insane juioce. 
Hearing and seeing crap for l;ike, past 3 weeks. 
Like today. Heard something this morjningt. 
Reminded me of when mom and dad used to call me down stairs cor Fhchristas

I am not crazyl.! 
But this is making me aC crazy. 
Dafuz? 

:Like, why nthis now? 
Like why"? 
Now?> 
Why?"


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Checking in on you Broken.. Just letting you know I'm thinking about you.


----------



## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Wishing you all the best and a bright future ahead for you.


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

> Checking in on you Broken.. Just letting you know I'm thinking about you.


Hooray. Now that's two people that to that. 

Anywany, been meaning to make a post. But was eithr drunk and working, or working, or driniking with friends, or just drinking. 
And i didn't want to make a druink post. Or more wsepcificaly, my post of Christmas haopening drunk. 
But fcvk it. 

anyway...
Brother backed into the garage door opn like, the 23rd. lolz! Hoep he wasn't stealijng my alcohols. I need those. 
Anyway, grandpearnets dcecided to come up at 9 am. 
So I had to be out of the houyse at 9 am on Christmas eve. And found out Id iodn't actually have work that day. 

So l oaded up my car with booze, goldfish, and went to walmart to buyh this 3 foor long box of chocolateas. IOnly kuiek $10! 

Andthen went to Church. Went to some random service. Tjhey do like 20 services for Chruistams. 
I went to one. 
Then went and got super supert super drunk in my car. 
and watched movies. Because CFhurch doesn't have free wifi. Thank god I packed a bunch of that crap into my car. And had a full battery in both laptops. 
Old one is bout to die from somethig. 


And then I played with the youth orchestaer at the church for the super later 11pm service. I was plastered the entire time. What a role model I am. Buit i didn't break down cvryhing when the pasotor talekd about loving his kids so much. He wrote his daughter a like, love letter, every year for her birthday, from 0, (which started with a name for a both a boy or girl) all the way to 28. 
So clsoe to breaking dolwn. 

Then went bak to the car, and drank till I opased out. 
And left the window open to puke out of. Which I didn't tdo. But car got super afkcin cold! Like, why is it col cold!?!

Then woke up at 4 am, and drank more acloghl, on Christmas day, passed out. 
Then woke up 11 ams, drnak more, and passe dout. O Rfeell aselpe. 
And woek up at 4 pm, drnai more, maybe got sick, and fell asleep. 
And woke up at like , 10pm. and drank more. Then think I fle asleep. 

Sister got my brother, to drive up to the church, and brought me home, and tucked me in. 
How do I remember that? I kind of do. And don't/ And both of them told me thyyd did. 
But ojnly sis helped me to the bed,. Appranetly brother htought I was patehtic, 
Big taljk for a kid that broke the afvcking garagte. 

Anxd ddad gave sis a card to gie to me. 
UI gave it to the shreder. 
Hoep you read that [email protected]!! Suck that! 


So there was my Christasm. 
I was drunk or hungover for all of it. And spent it alolne i a Churhc parking lotl. 

Ajnd since more family. likes th spend Enew NEars with uys, Ill ber out. Waith friends. Or my self. 
Don't kmnow which yet. 
I am beoncing the miserable drunk. 


Whare is that article about the resililnacnecy of klids in divorce? 
They could use me as a some dfckving study rat. 
Sweveraly despressed, alcoholic, failure, disowned by the entire faving family. 

Well, atleast the next holiday, that would inveoll family, insmn;'t til;l; May. 
And I failed to realize I graduate in May. 
Well, gues that will be alone too.


----------



## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Hi Broken, haven't spoken for a while.

What are you going to do about the drinking? You're going downhill a bit at the moment. Your Dad is reaching out to you, and you are blowing him off, and then complaining he doesn't want you. Improving that is on you now.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Broken at 20 said:


> Hooray. Now that's two people that to that.
> 
> Anywany, been meaning to make a post. But was eithr drunk and working, or working, or driniking with friends, or just drinking.
> And i didn't want to make a druink post. Or more wsepcificaly, my post of Christmas haopening drunk.
> ...


I take it by your lack of spelling that you're still drunk while posting this?

Are you proud of yourself?

Are you going to DO something about it?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BA 20 you SHOULD be proud of yourself!

Be proud enough to stop using alcohol as a crutch because it doesn't support us, it cripples us, instead.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I know you know you will have to build your own life. 

I understand the anger with your Dad.

My birth dad was destructive to our family too except his was with alcohol. We didn't talk for 11 years, but by the time I was 35 we reconciled. And we now have an amazing relationship.


----------



## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Broken, as a parent of a couple of young men it breaks my heart reading your posts about your self destruction. I've followed your story from the beginning, and it's painful to see you spiraling downhill. 

That said, I have to wonder what would be a "win" for you? Is your goal to drink yourself to death? To die in your car, from hypothermia, drunk, and alone? That would really show your parents wouldn't it? 

Sweetheart, you have to love yourself and forgive yourself. Be kind to your body-stop poisoning it, heal your body, heal your heart and mind. 

Many of us here have had difficult life situations, toxic families etc. at some point you have to decide that you are going to survive....even thrive in spite of these circumstances. Or you can continue to wallow in your misery.

Every drink you take is a choice. You are deciding to self harm, who do you think it's hurting poisoning yourself? Your family may be saddened or even disgusted watching your behavior but you are only hurting yourself. Why are you punishing yourself for the failures of your parents?

Please make a choice while you still have a choice.


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Wazza said:


> Hi Broken, haven't spoken for a while.
> 
> What are you going to do about the drinking?


Nothing. 


> You're going downhill a bit at the moment. Your Dad is reaching out to you, and you are blowing him off, and then complaining he doesn't want you. Improving that is on you now.


The FVCKING forum told me to cut out my family of my life. My toxic family. 

Now that he suddenly gives me some stupid card for some holiday, I am expected to take it? 
NO! 
He can reach out all he wants. 
If I never see him again, I wouldn't care. 
He tried replacing me once. He can do it again. 



turnera said:


> I take it by your lack of spelling that you're still drunk while posting this?


That, yep!

Now? 
Tipsy. But I can still type while tipsy. 
Drunk...is much harder. 


> Are you proud of yourself?


In some ways, I am very proud of myself. In others, I am a failure and monster. 

At work, I did over $10,000 in sales for Christmas. Pretty good for a 22 year old kid that isn't suppose to sell the big ticket diamond crap. 
In school, I got 2 A's, B+, and 2 B's. 
I can now bench my own body weight. 

So yea, I am proud of myself there. 

As for personal life:
I have been disowned by pretty much everyone on my mom's side of the family. 
On my dad's side, my cousins aren't talking to me. Likely because my sister told them I am an alcoholic, and they are smart enough to put it together that dad and I got into several fist fights. 
I am being disowned by my entire family. How do you think that feels? 

Mentally, I am severally depressed, a functioning alcoholic. And pulling a 180 on the family so they leave me alone. For the most part. 

And I am having to detach from my siblings. Brother doesn't seem to care. My sister does. And is actively fighting it. 
But I have to. She can't have me in her life if she wants to have dad and mom and everyone else. So I have to do man up (so fvcking tired of hearing that, or saying that) and do the hard thing and cut her out because it is for her own good. 

Succeeding in the outside world, rotting on the inside. I feel like there is something to describe that. 


> Are you going to DO something about it?


Uh...to which of the above? 


MattMatt said:


> BA 20 you SHOULD be proud of yourself!


Already am. In some places. 
Ashamed in others. 


> Be proud enough to stop using alcohol as a crutch because it doesn't support us, it cripples us, instead.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Let's table the alcoholic talks for now. 

Besides, alcohol makes things funny. 


Blossom Leigh said:


> I know you know you will have to build your own life.
> 
> I understand the anger with your Dad.


At least you do. Past few posters seem to forget several things...like the reason I came to TAM in the first place, or the fist fights, and the fact he tried replacing me, and he guilt tripped me into being his best man...
But a Christmas card and inviting me over makes it all better. 

Yea...in never never land...


> My birth dad was destructive to our family too except his was with alcohol. We didn't talk for 11 years, but by the time I was 35 we reconciled. And we now have an amazing relationship.


I don't want to reconcile with him. 
I don't want him for a father. 
If he wanted to get to know me in 1, 5, 10, 15 years, and is an entirely different person, I don't care. 
He is not a father to me. Nor will he ever be one. 



Aunt Ava said:


> Broken, as a parent of a couple of young men it breaks my heart reading your posts about your self destruction. I've followed your story from the beginning, and it's painful to see you spiraling downhill.
> 
> That said, I have to wonder what would be a "win" for you? Is your goal to drink yourself to death? To die in your car, from hypothermia, drunk, and alone? That would really show your parents wouldn't it?


I don't have a win in here anymore. 

If I am successful in my career, and became some high powered accountant, and make money, what good does that do? I am still disowned, and unwanted. 
And after talking with my buddies from college, and their girlfriends, (who all say they would totally set me up with their friends if I went to their school, so at least I know I am attractive to the opposite sex, take a complement anywhere I can these days) they all talked about meeting the family. 
Now, how will that end for me? 
"Honey, when will I get to meet your family?"
"No idea. Haven't seen em in years. Don't even know if half of them are still alive anymore!"
Yea, that will go over real smooth. 

There never was a win situation in this. 


> Sweetheart, you have to love yourself and forgive yourself. Be kind to your body-stop poisoning it, heal your body, heal your heart and mind.
> 
> Many of us here have had difficult life situations, toxic families etc. at some point you have to decide that you are going to survive....even thrive in spite of these circumstances. Or you can continue to wallow in your misery.


Personally, I think I am doing quite well. 
Good grades in school, sold a lot of shiny things to husbands and boyfriends for the holiday season (Because nothing says love like little rocks of carbon mined by slaves in dangerous mines in Africa) 

I would say my personal life is falling apart, but that implies some portion of it is together to fall apart later in the future. 


> Every drink you take is a choice. You are deciding to self harm, who do you think it's hurting poisoning yourself? Your family may be saddened or even disgusted watching your behavior but you are only hurting yourself. Why are you punishing yourself for the failures of your parents?


My parents pushed me away long before my alcoholism took over. 
I was disowned as I became an alcoholic. Not because I was an alcoholic (though I doubt that would go over well) but because of my poor choices. Which were thrust onto me by selfish or unconcerned parents. 

Why do I punish myself? 
I feel like a fvcking monster. 
I have triggered like a BS, from throwing up to breaking down and crying. My own parents can't even love me. My entire family hates me. I had to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas by myself because I couldn't spend it with the people that I call family. 
Granted half of those problems stem from my own choices. Guess I shouldn't be surprised my family hates me. I'd hate me too. 
Still hurts all the same. 


> Please make a choice while you still have a choice.


What kind of choice are you expecting?


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I understand.... Truly


----------



## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> Past few posters seem to forget several things...like the reason I came to TAM in the first place, or the fist fights, and the fact he tried replacing me, and he guilt tripped me into being his best man...
> But a Christmas card and inviting me over makes it all better.
> 
> Yea...in never never land...
> ...


I have followed you since your first thread, and I have not forgotten what you went through. Which makes it harder, because you are going backwards at the moment, and I don't want that.

I have no soft words for you, because your situation is potentially dire. 

So cut to the chase. Based on the quote above, is your father rejecting you or are you rejecting him? Tell me which it is. Explain your answer. Talk about it.




Broken at 20 said:


> The FVCKING forum told me to cut out my family of my life. My toxic family.
> 
> Now that he suddenly gives me some stupid card for some holiday, I am expected to take it?
> NO!
> ...


Again, who is rejecting who.

Remind me where I told you to cut your family out of your life. I never did. 

If the forum told you to jump off a cliff would you do it?

You know what. You had a couple of awful years. Are you going to let them destroy you? Right now it's looking that way.

The past cannot be changed. But you CAN have a future relationship with your father. Or you can push him away, and spend more Christmases and Thanksgivings alone.



Broken at 20 said:


> My sister does. And is actively fighting it.
> But I have to. She can't have me in her life if she wants to have dad and mom and everyone else.


"Me or them Sis. Me or them." How is this any better than what your mother is doing?



Broken at 20 said:


> Let's table the alcoholic talks for now.


Cant table it. It's now a large problem. NOTHING will be resolved unless you deal with it.

Destructive behaviour is called that for a reason.

I care about you Broken, and I want to help you.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Broken at 20 said:


> In some ways, I am very proud of myself. In others, I am a failure and monster.
> 
> At work, I did over $10,000 in sales for Christmas. Pretty good for a 22 year old kid that isn't suppose to sell the big ticket diamond crap. In school, I got 2 A's, B+, and 2 B's.
> I can now bench my own body weight.
> ...


Well, that's a pretty good encapsulation of your life, then, isn't it? You have all this skill inside of YOU, you have all these crappy people OUTSIDE of you...so what's the smartest path?

To ACCEPT that you got dealt a crap hand in terms of family, to WALK AWAY from the crappy people who do nothing for you and only hurt, and to MOVE AWAY from that life and make your life on your own, by yourself, without crappy outside influence.

Once you do that, once you're no longer dealing with crappy people, once you fill your life with good people who lift up and don't tear down, you'll start to feel no need to numb yourself.

You're a smart guy. Time to move on.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Broken at 20 said:


> The forum told me to cut out my family of my life. My toxic family.


The forum was right.



> If I am successful in my career, and became some high powered accountant, and make money, what good does that do? I am still disowned, and unwanted.


So what? You can either feel like THEY disowned YOU, or do the smart thing and YOU disown THEM.

I disowned my dad and his wife after she did horrible things to us and he backed her up. Best thing I ever did. 

What you REALLY need is to be in therapy to learn to accept the crap hand you were dealt with this crap family and learn to let go:



> Each year, between 5% and 9% of the population loses a close family member. But that's not the only kind of loss that can cause grief. People can feel loss when:
> 
> 
> They become separated from a loved one
> ...


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Yep... you've got the biggest cheerleader sitting right here when you make those first steps to accepting the task of building your life well.


----------



## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

1st. You are NOT a monster, please don't feel like one. You say your parents don't love you, that they hate you. They are broken miserable people, from what you have written I doubt they know how to love.

2nd. Please read and absorb what Turnera wrote you, reread it. IMHO that's some of the best advise I've read in this thread.

3rd. Congratulations on your excellent grades. I'm so proud of you, and you should be very proud of yourself. 

4th. I wrote "Please make a choice while you still have a choice." You replied "What kind of choice are you expecting?" I mean if you keep drinking yourself into oblivion on a routine basis you are choosing to give up control. Less than two weeks ago a local woman was found dead in a grassy area between a strip mall and some apartments. There was a near empty bottle by her, did she mean to die that night? Your episode drinking in the church parking lot cuts too close. 

5th. Reread Turnera's posts. We, internet strangers are pulling for you.


----------



## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Aunt Ava said:


> 1st. You are NOT a monster, please don't feel like one. You say your parents don't love you, that they hate you. They are broken miserable people, from what you have written I doubt they know how to love.
> 
> 2nd. Please read and absorb what Turnera wrote you, reread it. IMHO that's some of the best advise I've read in this thread.
> 
> ...


I don't think you realize how close to suicide you are. And I don't mean you're going to intentionally end your life, I mean you're going to accidentally kill yourself. Go park somewhere to get hammered, it's snowing, you're running the car to keep the heater running, you drink until you pass out, the snow piles up around the exhaust pipe, you never wake up. Death by dumbassery.

How much are you spending on booze, anyway?


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I knew a young man who was so drunk he died at the age of 21. He drowned in his own vomit.

You are playing russian roulette, Hun. But, I think you already know that.

What you need to know is you are also letting them steal more of your future they dont deserve.

So dont let them have it.


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Wazza said:


> I have followed you since your first thread, and I have not forgotten what you went through. Which makes it harder, because you are going backwards at the moment, and I don't want that.
> 
> I have no soft words for you, because your situation is potentially dire.
> 
> So cut to the chase. Based on the quote above, is your father rejecting you or are you rejecting him? Tell me which it is. Explain your answer. Talk about it.


After the wedding, we barely talked. 

And after a fight in July, we stopped all together. 
He told me I could go to his house for Christmas Eve, and invited me to my cousin's for Christmas. 
I refused. 
Then my sister gave me a card from him. 
I shredded it. 

So at this point, guess you could say I am pulling away. 

I don't trust anything he does. or says. 


> Again, who is rejecting who.
> 
> Remind me where I told you to cut your family out of your life. I never did.
> 
> If the forum told you to jump off a cliff would you do it?


Really? 

Like...the first 5?ish pages of this thread would be a good place to start for where the forum told me to. 

If the forum told me to jump off a cliff, first I would assume its a troll post. 


> You know what. You had a couple of awful years. Are you going to let them destroy you? Right now it's looking that way.
> 
> The past cannot be changed. But you CAN have a future relationship with your father. Or you can push him away, and spend more Christmases and Thanksgivings alone.


I don't want that man for a father. 
I don't want him in my life. 

so yes. I will push him away. 



> "Me or them Sis. Me or them." How is this any better than what your mother is doing?


Because that is not an option. 

She can have me. 
Or dad, mom, mom's side of the family, dad's side of the family, and everyone else. 

Whether or not that is what she wants, it does not matter. It is what is best for her. 
It's not like I am getting any enjoyment out of it. This is probably hardest on me, because she is the only positive person in my life that isn't nice to me for a grade. 




Aunt Ava said:


> 1st. *You are NOT a monster, *please don't feel like one. You say your parents don't love you, that they hate you. They are broken miserable people, from what you have written I doubt they know how to love.


You know, I used to really think that. 
But after being called that by my dad (among much worse) and being rejected by my entire family, kinda hard to not feel like one. 
Because why would a family reject someone. Why would the entire family, from all sides, reject someone? 

Pretty easy to figure out. At least, I think it is. 


> 2nd. Please read and absorb what Turnera wrote you, reread it. IMHO that's some of the best advise I've read in this thread.
> 
> 3rd. Congratulations on your excellent grades. I'm so proud of you, and you should be very proud of yourself.
> 
> ...





Nucking Futs said:


> I don't think you realize how close to suicide you are. And I don't mean you're going to intentionally end your life, I mean you're going to accidentally kill yourself. Go park somewhere to get hammered, it's snowing, you're running the car to keep the heater running, you drink until you pass out, the snow piles up around the exhaust pipe, you never wake up. Death by dumbassery.


I am not stupid. 
I make poor choices, but not stupid. 
I didn't leave my car on. I left the window down slightly so I didn't have to keep breathing the same air. And that is why it got so freaking cold. 
Sure, it was snowing slightly, but it wasn't sticking. 



> How much are you spending on booze, anyway?


Well, I'll go through the month of November since that won't be skewed by...too much. And I keep my receipts because never know when that might come in handy. Mostly thinking for tax purposes, but why not post it for the world to see?
So, in the month of November, I consumed:
5x 5L of Franzia, at $15 ea
4x 750ml of Whiskey/bourbon, averaging around $20
2x 750ml of Vodka, at $15 ea, 

So that comes to 185 ish for the month. 

And I still have enough to pay for school. And books. And all the other sh!t I need to buy. 
And before someone says something about moving out, I already checked. 
Average rent is way more than that. So no! I can't move out if I stopped drinking.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Broken at 20 said:


> You know, I used to really think that.
> But after being called that by my dad (among much worse) and being rejected by my entire family, kinda hard to not feel like one.
> Because why would a family reject someone. Why would the entire family, from all sides, reject someone?
> 
> Pretty easy to figure out. At least, I think it is.


It IS easy to figure out. You have become the family's black sheep. All dysfunctional families have one. Especially one with an alcoholic. Do some reading; you'll see it's true. The most dysfunctional of all picks a black sheep and the other 'white sheep' follow along and make him their god and do whatever he tells them to. Happens all the time. 

Read this. Classic story of what you've lived. Short read, but very profound. Shows you it's not you, it's them:
http://www.pauladaunt.com/books/Dave Pelzer - A Child Called 'It'-1.pdf


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Broken at 20 said:


> Average rent is way more than that. So no! I can't move out if I stopped drinking.


That's what roommates are for.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

turnera said:


> It IS easy to figure out. You have become the family's black sheep. All dysfunctional families have one. Especially one with an alcoholic. Do some reading; you'll see it's true. The most dysfunctional of all picks a black sheep and the other 'white sheep' follow along and make him their god and do whatever he tells them to. Happens all the time.
> 
> Read this. Classic story of what you've lived. Short read, but very profound. Shows you it's not you, it's them:
> http://www.pauladaunt.com/books/Dave Pelzer - A Child Called 'It'-1.pdf


Yep... I used to be that black sheep, now its shifting to my mother

Turnera is right


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BA20, you know the really horrible thing about your family?

You were the only normal member of your family. And they don't have any normal left now.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> BA20, you know the really horrible thing about your family?
> 
> You were the only normal member of your family. And they don't have any normal left now.


This post is perfect. And you have allowed your family to mold and shape your opinion of yourself based on their dysfunction. And your response? To place yourself in the victim chair and run the risk of drinking yourself to death.

I understand being in so much emotional pain that you need alcohol to drown it out. The problem becomes the additional emotional pain that you create while you're doing things you shouldn't be doing as you are under the influence of alcohol. It's snowballs, and only gets worse.

You are essentially drinking poison and expecting your family to die from it. 

Until you accept the fact that it's not okay to feel sorry for yourself, then to self medicate with alcohol, things will never change for you.

You sound like a tremendously bright, gifted young man, with a ton of potential. All it would take is one decision to remove yourself from the victim chair, and everything else would fall in line behind it in short order.

Until you make that decision, nothing will change. I would tell you that my decision to follow Christ is what allowed me to be able to remove myself from the victim chair and to lay down the drink. There are things in this world, and beyond this world, that are greater than ourselves.

I will pray for you.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

This was a major reason I advised a year ago or whatever, to NOT be the best man in your dad's wedding. I seem to remember you were leaning towards it most of the time, despite those of us who advised against it.

It essentially told your mother that you were choosing your dad over her. If I were her, I'd feel the same way. How could she not?

So now you have to live with this decision. You hitched your ride to the wrong truck. Your dad. No clue why you did that.

In your shoes, I would beg my mother for forgiveness, expect nothing in return, but maybe she'll eventually let you back into her life.

Tough lesson to learn. Sorry you have such a crappy father. It's not your fault he is a chump.


----------



## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Broken, I took some time to think before writing this next post. I would have liked to have gone back and reread your original thread as well, but it's not there so I can't.

So here's what I think.

First, on the booze. It's really simple. If booze controls you, it will eventually destroy you. It is not a solution to your problems, and you need to get your drinking under control. If necessary, you need to stop drinking totally.

Second, on the family. You have all been through a horrible few years. Your first thread here was maybe two years ago, and obviously there had been problems in the family before that. 

Your parents are people. They have faults and failings. I realised this as mine grew old and frail. And you get annoyed by their nagging, or whatever, but when a parent actually dies, you will find that you would give anything to be able to see them again. 

I am not going to try and second guess the workings of your family. I am simply going to tell you that one day it will be too late. I don't know what it's like to have your nose rubbed in your parents' humanity at such a young age, so suddenly. I can imagine it would hurt a lot. 

Gabriel's advice in the post above mine was that you should never have been your father's best man, because that said to your mother that it was taking sides. I respectfully think that is REALLY bad advice. Your father is your father, whatever he has done. He shouldn't have had the affair, but he's still your father. If you mother expects a wedding boycott, then she is asking you to take sides, and I think that is her issue to deal with. 

You feel your Dad has replaced you with his step son. Well I don't think so. I can't prove it, but I don't think so. What role did the stepson play in his wedding. Did he have two best men?

If people on TAM advised you to cut off your father, I would guess for some of them it is because he had an affair. I don't agree with that. But you have to decide. If you are going to do it, do it. But in that case you can't keep saying both sides of your family have disowned you, because your father hasn't. 

I can't explain your Mom's behaviour. I'm sure there is a logical explanation, but I don't have enough information to do more than make wild guesses. Not going to do that. If it is related to her hurt over the affair....well she will come to terms with it eventually.

I am a parent, and parenthood is strange. I think it is far more common for a child to write their parents off than the other way around. It's the nature of the relationship. Either there is something really unusually dysfunctional about your family, or there is another side to the story. Maybe you can't see it, or maybe you are not giving us everything. 

As a father....there are times when I have struggled in my relationships with my children, for various reasons. But you never stop loving them.

I am not sure how you should proceed, except to keep trying. In one of your recent posts, you referred to your mother's side of the family being uncomfortable with your drinking. Have there been fights with the family leading up to this current situation? Are there things you can work on? This isn't saying it is all your fault. I have no idea where the blame lies.

It might not be fair how much of the burden for all this you have to shoulder, but it is what it is. It's in your interests to look for ways to improve things. Let's face it, your current approach isn't working for you. 

So, is it possible for you to reply to this post with a list of things you can work on that might improve family relationships? Clearly cutting down on drinking is one. What else?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, let's quantify cut them off. I never went and said "I cut you off" to my dad. I did tell my childcare center he was no longer allowed to pick up my daughter (I was afraid his wife would take her and run; that's who she is). I did stop going over there. I stopped calling. We saw them once or twice a year, at a distance, at family events, and stayed civil. 

That's entirely doable in his case.


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Wazza said:


> Broken, I took some time to think before writing this next post. I would have liked to have gone back and reread your original thread as well, but it's not there so I can't.


And for good reason. 
I don't want it out there. 

I have it somewhere. Think I have a copy of it on my old computer that is dying. But I'd have to check. 


> So here's what I think.
> 
> First, on the booze. It's really simple. If booze controls you, it will eventually destroy you. It is not a solution to your problems, and you need to get your drinking under control. If necessary, you need to stop drinking totally.


I am fine. 
I can operate while drinking. 
I am not saying I don't have a problem. 
I am saying that it isn't as desperate as you people make it out to be. 


> Second, on the family. You have all been through a horrible few years. Your first thread here was maybe two years ago, and obviously there had been problems in the family before that.


There were problems with my parents. I just wasn't aware of them. Before it, the family was pretty much your normal family. 
Nothing out of the ordinary. 


> Your parents are people. They have faults and failings. I realised this as mine grew old and frail. And you get annoyed by their nagging, or whatever, but when a parent actually dies, you will find that you would give anything to be able to see them again.


I might. I might not. 

I will miss my mom. Because our relationship, or lack of one, is my fault. I was the one that pushed her past the breaking point I guess. So her refusing to speak to me, well, I can't blame her. 
I wish she would see everything I had tried to do to make up for it. 
But she either has and refused to change, or hasn't. 

Dad, I don't care. 
Good riddance at this point. 


> I am not going to try and second guess the workings of your family. I am simply going to tell you that one day it will be too late. I don't know what it's like to have your nose rubbed in your parents' humanity at such a young age, so suddenly. I can imagine it would hurt a lot.
> 
> Gabriel's advice in the post above mine was that you should never have been your father's best man, because that said to your mother that it was taking sides. I respectfully think that is REALLY bad advice. Your father is your father, whatever he has done. He shouldn't have had the affair, but he's still your father. If you mother expects a wedding boycott, then she is asking you to take sides, and I think that is her issue to deal with.


Not anymore he's not. He tried replacing me once. For all I care, he can do it again. 
I don't need a manipulative, pathological liar for a father. 

As for mom's boycott, I told her about the wedding. And the best man part. Or at least, I think I did. Can't always remember crap like this. 
All she said was He is your father. (I think) 
She didn't tell me not to. She didn't tell me to do it. 

What's it matter at this point. 



> You feel your Dad has replaced you with his step son. Well I don't think so. I can't prove it, but I don't think so. What role did the stepson play in his wedding. Did he have two best men?


No. 
One of the reasons I did it. Because he asked me. Not the replacement. 
I remember how selfish I felt about that. Being the best man because my replacement couldn't. 

But I also grew tired of hearing about the great things the step son did. How he was a success. And going somewhere. And whatever else. 
Whether or not he was actively or passive-aggressively (think I am using that correctly, not sure. I am not an English major) trying to replace me, I don't care. 
He can have him. 


> If people on TAM advised you to cut off your father, I would guess for some of them it is because he had an affair. I don't agree with that. But you have to decide. If you are going to do it, do it. But in that case you can't keep saying both sides of your family have disowned you, because your father hasn't.


I am cutting him off because I don't want him as a father. 


> I can't explain your Mom's behaviour. I'm sure there is a logical explanation, but I don't have enough information to do more than make wild guesses. Not going to do that. If it is related to her hurt over the affair....well she will come to terms with it eventually.


Great. 
Then she can have my brother. Or my sister. the only siblings that get love. And appreciation. And some form of positive reinforcement. And the only siblings that are told the divorce wasn't their fault. 
I just get the disappointed looks, and abandonment treatment. 


> I am a parent, and parenthood is strange. I think it is far more common for a child to write their parents off than the other way around. It's the nature of the relationship. Either there is something really unusually dysfunctional about your family, or there is another side to the story. Maybe you can't see it, or maybe you are not giving us everything.


Well, there is probably a bit of both in there. 



> As a father....there are times when I have struggled in my relationships with my children, for various reasons. But you never stop loving them.


Doesn't make me feel better. 

Because I don't think that is how my parents feel. 


> I am not sure how you should proceed, except to keep trying. In one of your recent posts, you referred to your mother's side of the family being uncomfortable with your drinking. Have there been fights with the family leading up to this current situation? Are there things you can work on? This isn't saying it is all your fault. I have no idea where the blame lies.


They don't know about my drinking. 
they disprove of my being the best man. Therefore, the disowning. Because 1950's conservatives. 

Could I fix it? Maybe. But I doubt it. 
Trying to get them to change their mind about me would probably be like trying to scale the great wall of China with a fork and 10 feet of rope. 


> It might not be fair how much of the burden for all this you have to shoulder, but it is what it is. It's in your interests to look for ways to improve things. Let's face it, your current approach isn't working for you.
> 
> So, is it possible for you to reply to this post with a list of things you can work on that might improve family relationships? Clearly cutting down on drinking is one. What else?


Probably won't cut down on the drinking. Not going to lie to you. 
And I have no desire to try and get them back. 

I don't to reach out in hopes of getting my family back, only to have them say no. 
I don't want to keep putting myself through that emotional torture. 

And no Tunera, I did not read your story yet. It's on my to-do list.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

The choices your parents have made is not your fault.

Choose well who you surround yourself with in your journey to live well.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

For you....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zLYECIjmnQs


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Wazza said:


> Gabriel's advice in the post above mine was that you should never have been your father's best man, because that said to your mother that it was taking sides. I respectfully think that is REALLY bad advice. Your father is your father, whatever he has done. He shouldn't have had the affair, but he's still your father. If you mother expects a wedding boycott, then she is asking you to take sides, and I think that is her issue to deal with.


Wazza, are you aware that his father asked him to be the best man in his wedding TO THE WOMAN HE CHEATED ON HIS MOM WITH?

To me, his dad asking him to do that was freaking child abuse. 

No way, no how, should his dad have asked him that. 

If it was some other woman, after his parents divorced, then sure, be the best man. But not with the woman who was complicit in tearing out his mom's heart.

Gotta be crazy.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

The father should not have put him in that position 

And neither should his mother

They are ALL being selfish

Broken's relationships are his own and when people start asking him to make allegiances is when things go really wrong and emotional blackmail typically enters the picture.

My birth father should have not put me in the position he did 

NOR should my mother have

But they did.... now it is history that cannot be undone. 

Broken was put in a scenario at an age he was not equipped to navigate well. I think he needs to tell everyone to get over themselves and stop blackmailing him. There ain't a sole in that family that is perfect. And yes, his father's choice was crappy, but so is the behavior of her family. And Broken is adding to it with his choices. The beauty will come when SOMEONE breaks that cycle and starts choosing better, then the rest will follow.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Gabriel said:


> Wazza, are you aware that his father asked him to be the best man in his wedding TO THE WOMAN HE CHEATED ON HIS MOM WITH?
> 
> To me, his dad asking him to do that was freaking child abuse.
> 
> ...


Yes, this is absolutely tragic. But the onus of it's impact is not on the parents. That is on the OP.

To sit back and say it is all the parent's fault is to plant yourself in the victim chair and not take ownership for the current situation. This is what is driving his alcohol abuse.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

farsidejunky said:


> Yes, this is absolutely tragic. But the onus of it's impact is not on the parents. That is on the OP.
> 
> To sit back and say it is all the parent's fault is to plant yourself in the victim chair and not take ownership for the current situation. This is what is driving his alcohol abuse.


Right - the OP should have simply told his dad he wouldn't do that because it would be a slap in his mother's face.

OP made the decision. The wrong one. Look at what happened as a result.

This is also the same dad that physically assaulted him at least once before this. I didn't understand why OP relented and agreed to be the best man. It was a bad call of epic proportions, IMO.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Because he wanted the fathers love he so desparately misses.


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

PLASTERD!!


Goprt my bill from school. $11000,
FVUCK YEA!
OPOVERYT!!!
DEBTS!? 

And still need sgut! Only got half my books!!!

Was thinking tsomething. 
UIh...


Went out edrfinking with the buddiweasl 

Probably explainable. 

Uh. 

Met some chick that wnet co school with ne,. 
Year behind. 
And older. 
Like 26. 
Kinda hot. 

Can't talk to my friends. Gotta brag somewhere about this. Their stupdi grilfriends are all,...not pro-....bro's breing bro's. 

Something. 

got her number!!!

Uh./..whsomething. 

Alcoholism os inot getitng e3tter. 

Uh 

Yes. 
To the abl above quetsions. 

Anyway, ahd to hbrad gsomebhwer. 

Woulne maybe to tgo da. Mabne. 
No sure. 

Probably should be promoted from prifvate fplasteed to...
sergeant shat faced!!!!


----------



## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> Wazza, are you aware that his father asked him to be the best man in his wedding TO THE WOMAN HE CHEATED ON HIS MOM WITH?
> 
> To me, his dad asking him to do that was freaking child abuse.
> 
> ...


I'm not defending the father, but the fact remains, it's his father. 

So what is it you expect? That Broken should have no contact with his father? Limited contact? No contact where the OW is present? How much is acceptable? 

What exactly do you think should be the limit? How much should he take the mother's side? It's a genuine question, not rhetorical.

It's a sh1tty situation, but it is what it is.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Wazza said:


> I'm not defending the father, but the fact remains, it's his father.
> 
> So what is it you expect? That Broken should have no contact with his father? Limited contact? No contact where the OW is present? How much is acceptable?
> 
> ...


Definitely not go NC with his father. That's not at all what I am saying. What I'm saying is by being his best man in the wedding to his affair partner, OP implicitly endorsed the affair.

Once they are married, sure, visit here and there, keep some sort of relationship, but celebrating his marriage with his paramour - bad move.


----------



## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> Definitely not go NC with his father. That's not at all what I am saying. What I'm saying is by being his best man in the wedding to his affair partner, OP implicitly endorsed the affair.
> 
> Once they are married, sure, visit here and there, keep some sort of relationship, but celebrating his marriage with his paramour - bad move.


I guess I see it as a bit more hazy than that, though I can see the logic of your argument. But whatever. What is done is done. 

I guess Broken could ask his Mum outright if that is the problem. But I though the whole taking sides thing started before his father's marriage.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I think the pain of losing his fathers love trumped anything playing in his mind at the time and his mother should be graceful about that though I also understand the difficulty in doing so for her. 

I also believe the elders in the family including her should have said to broken "that hurt us" and let it go. The ongoing blacklisting is wrong. The original sin is getting compounded by EVERYBODY. And its because they are all making it about themselves and their own pain. Someone's got to break the pattern by doing the opposite.


----------



## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> I think the pain of losing his fathers love trumped anything playing in his mind at the time and his mother should be graceful about that though I also understand the difficulty in doing so for her.
> 
> I also believe the elders in the family including her should have said to broken "that hurt us" and let it go. The ongoing blacklisting is wrong. The original sinis getting compounded by EVERYBODY. And its because they are all making it about themselves and their own pain. Someone's got to break the pattern by doing the opposite.


I agree. It's like everyone in this family wants to be the victim and need someone to be the bad guy. The cheating husband has removed himself from their ability to punish so they've picked Ba20 to be the villain. Really, there's only one member of his family that can claim that, and that's his sister.

Ba20, you've gotten a raw deal from your relatives, so much so that I don't think the word "family" applies. But no matter how noble you think your motives are for doing it, you're needlessly hurting your sister and you need to stop.

Your sister knows the deal, probably more than you do since she's probably heard them talking about you. She knows she may be risking ostracism from the relatives and doesn't care. Maybe she sees her relationship with you as more important than her relationship with her grandparents and mother.

Maybe you should give her the respect she's due and trust her to chart her own course in her relationships rather than hurting her to try to save something she may not want saved.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Broken at 20 said:


> *PLASTERD!!*
> 
> 
> Goprt my bill from school. $11000,
> ...


Broken, after trying to read through this post, I would suggest you lay off the booze. It doesn't solve anything and only adds to depression.

Start with an AA meeting.


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Nucking Futs said:


> I agree. It's like everyone in this family wants to be the victim and need someone to be the bad guy. The cheating husband has removed himself from their ability to punish so they've picked Ba20 to be the villain. Really, *there's only one member of his family that can claim that, and that's his sister.*


Two things. 
1. Only mom and sis can really claim to be the victim as the situation plays out. Mom got cheated on, I made stupid decisions and our relationship is gone so she lost her son, and she got shafted in the divorce deal. 
Second person would probably be sister. But that can be explained later. 

2. I don't get the bolded part. 



> Ba20, you've gotten a raw deal from your relatives, so much so that I don't think the word "family" applies. But no matter how noble you think your motives are for doing it, you're needlessly hurting your sister and you need to stop.


There are several reasons I can't. 
I am cutting out my family. I can't keep part of it. She is included in that part. So yes. Selfish on my part. 
She is also 16. She doesn't know what she wants. It is better this way. She either gets me, or the entire family. She doesn't get both. I am not letting her throw them away for me. And that isn't some misplaced "Oh, I must fall on my sword for you" crap. That is a rational decision. She is still family to them. She needs them 100x more than me. I can't be part of her life. It is easier this way. 

This isn't a matter of "Me or them," argument. 
I already made the decision. Is it right by her? You all think no. I think it is. 
Better for her to only have a estranged brother, than be the second black sheep of a family tearing itself apart. 

And no. I am not enjoying this. But what matters to me isn't important in a sense. It is better for her to have the family, than me. 

I don't want to talk about it further. I'd rather discuss my alcoholism. 
So can we just, not bring up the fact that I am having to do this in the future? 

Lolz, who am I kidding. TAM doesn't go for that. It likes to rip your painful and repressed memories out, for the entire world to see. 



> Your sister knows the deal, probably more than you do since she's probably heard them talking about you. She knows she may be risking ostracism from the relatives and doesn't care. Maybe she sees her relationship with you as more important than her relationship with her grandparents and mother.


Doesn't matter. 
Our relationship, on the emotional level, without that sounding...weird, doesn't matter. 
She needs the family far more than I do. 
And if she doesn't like it, well, I am sorry. 
I have already ruined one family relationship, another...
Well, maybe when she is older, she can understand why I did it. I can't stay around. I feel like that is something I saw in a movie, or maybe a TV show. She'll understand when she is older. 


> Maybe you should give her the respect she's due and trust her to chart her own course in her relationships rather than hurting her to try to save something she may not want saved.


Yes, give the 16 year old girl exactly what she is wanting. Because I am sure that can't backfire in any way what so ever.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Broken at 20 said:


> I don't want to talk about it further. I'd rather discuss my alcoholism.
> So can we just, not bring up the fact that I am having to do this in the future?
> 
> Lolz, who am I kidding. TAM doesn't go for that. It likes to rip your painful and repressed memories out, for the entire world to see.


Interesting take. 

Would you believe me if I said we like to figure out your self-damaging spots and highlight them to YOU, not the world, so you can see it, perhaps for the first time, and decide to (or not) then take steps to make your life better?


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Broken at 20 said:


> Two things.
> 1. Only mom and sis can really claim to be the victim as the situation plays out. Mom got cheated on, I made stupid decisions and our relationship is gone so she lost her son, and she got shafted in the divorce deal.
> Second person would probably be sister. But that can be explained later.
> 
> ...


That's not what's going to happen. Later, when you're both older, you'll understand why you shouldn't have done it.

In your old thread I was one of the people telling you not to stand up for your father. You ignored that advice. Now I'm telling you not to kick your sister to the curb. You're ignoring that advice too.

In fact, I don't think you've taken a single piece of advice yet. You've come back and admitted you were wrong not to take the advice before but you continue disregarding our advice and taking the advice of a drunk 20 year old know it all.










I think we're all wasting our time trying to help you.


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## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

So many things I want to say in this post. None of them are nice. 

Cut it short. 

Stop crying about your parents. You are a young man. This is where you are suppose to detach from your parents anyways and start your own life. Who cares about the holiday... make some new friends. Stop worrying about your mom and dad. Seriously your not a child any more. No one needs to hold your hand. Your drinking is not your parents fault. Own your own problems and stop using them as an excuse for your drinking. You don't even take the advice from people on here. Why are you here?


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

BA20 It's been awhile, how are you doing?


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Aunt Ava said:


> BA20 It's been awhile, how are you doing?


I don't know. 

I talked to my sister. 
Told her why I was acting cold, and why I was pretty much trying to cut out everyone in my life. 
I won't go over everything, if someone wants to know, read the first 1-3 pages of the thread, or, more. I don't know where it ended. 
And one reason I am cutting her out, don't remember if I said why here: keeping her in my life, isn't easy. Like, when a BS wants to reconcile with their WS, but their WS serves as a trigger because of everything. 
It is kinda like that. Granted, we aren't the BS/WS (Not livin' in Arkansas, lol) but seeing her is not easy to deal with. 

She told me, she rather keep the relationship with me, than the rest of the family. 
I told her point and blank, that is a terrible idea. Not going to list the reasons why. 
She told me, she'd rather have a broken brother, than a family that turns on someone when they make a mistake. 
Granted, it was like, 20 mistakes...

As for everything else, I am still the black sheep. 
My alcoholism got slightly better. And by slightly better, I mean, I was drinking with friends and not by myself. 
With school, well...probably won't be better. 


I just finished getting ready for school. Starts tomorrow. 
It will be a hellish semester. I wasn't told how to construct my schedule properly when I transferred from the community college I went to, so my last semester will consist of all my high level accounting classes. Corporate tax, Audit, Advance financial accounting, and gov't and non-profit accounting. 
Only redeeming quality is it is 12 hours. 

I graduate in May with a BSA. Hooray. 


At work, I had some guy bring in a fake rolex. I like to call them trollexes. Told me he wanted to sell it for $10k. 
I told him I wasn't buying a fake rolex that looked like someone carved 18k into it, and fake diamonds glued into the bezel for $10k.
He didn't take it very well, and called for the owner. 
Boss told him the same thing. 
Guy got super mad, and started yelling at me. 
What else? A store about 30 mins away, like 5 guys tried to do a smash-and-grab. 
That is the only interesting thing that happened at work since Christmas.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Broken at 20 said:


> I don't know.
> 
> I talked to my sister.
> Told her why I was acting cold, and why I was pretty much trying to cut out everyone in my life.
> ...


Well, it's not great. I'm glad you talked to your sister. I'd be happier if you listened to her and stopped treating her like a child, but I'll take what I can get.



Broken at 20 said:


> I just finished getting ready for school. Starts tomorrow.
> It will be a hellish semester. I wasn't told how to construct my schedule properly when I transferred from the community college I went to, so my last semester will consist of all my high level accounting classes. Corporate tax, Audit, Advance financial accounting, and gov't and non-profit accounting.
> Only redeeming quality is it is 12 hours.
> 
> ...


Just bear in mind that none of that stuff is yours and your boss is insured, so if someone comes in to rob the store just go along with them.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Finished first week of school. 
FTW

Celebratory drinking. FYI



Nucking Futs said:


> Well, it's not great. I'm glad you talked to your sister. I'd be happier if you listened to her and stopped treating her like a child, but I'll take what I can get.


What is that supposed to mean?
I am staying in her life, and she is staying in mine. Despite the triggers she could cause. Because it si better for her. And that matters m,ost right? 
Fvcking forum.

Cutting her out to avoid my triggering isjn;t right by her, but it does help. But whatever at this piont. I don't cvare anymore. 



> Just bear in mind that none of that stuff is yours and your boss is insured, so if someone comes in to rob the store just go along with them.


Dopesn't always work that wayl 
Had some old man get shot a few moths ago during a botched robbery. 
He is dead. So...mentally stressing. Wjhich I got tomorrow. YEA! Work. 

Anyway/ meant to ask ask something. 

Oh, how to ask out a chick. 
Got a cute girl in a couple classes of mine. I am used to meeting girls when already drunk. Or they are already drunk. Or at a bar. 
How does one do it during a class? When sober? And in class?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Smile at her. Walk beside her as she leaves the class. If you're going the same way, try to strike up a conversation. Say "bye, see you next Tuesday" or whenever your next class is. Rinse and repeat.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Well, I know my alcoholsimn is getting wmuch worse. 

I went out with some accounting majors buddies. To abrs. 
And I won in a dirnking game that pitted me with cute chick, and guy with two girls. And the girl on my team waiehgd 100 olbs. sopping wet. 

I had some trigger, unpleasant merory, mind fvck during class monday. Super unepleasnt. 

I had a reason for making this post. 
Damn it. 

Oh yea. 

I had an interview last week. 
Interviewer, after interview part, asked me about family. for some whatever reason. 
Made me almost start cryi8g. Gopt my way out of it. Amnd made it to an elevator, and broke down in a fvcking elveaotr. 

How do people control these fvcking things? 
I mean literally, worst fvcking place for it to hit me. and it does.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

May be time to check yourself into an inhouse rehab treatment facility Hun.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I agree. You need some deep work with a therapist if you can't even get through an interview. You've had an awful childhood and, like it or not, that DOES carry into adulthood and trash you up if you don't deal with it. You're living proof of that.

Get some help. ASK somebody for help.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Yes. Time for intervention treatment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

And sooner than later....

we are ALL rooting for you....


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

The main things is, life throws some bad stuff at you, and at times it seems overwhelming, but you can get through. You've made it this far. 

So, some thoughts around your question.

You have to come to terms with what has happened. It has happened, it will never not have happened.

How you come to terms with things really depends a lot on you as a person. For me, I confront whatever is troubling me, go through the hurt and tears, and get to a point where I can accept it and make plans based on the world as it is. For me, a major crisis like yours, that takes a while. 

You'll have read a lot of advice on TAM about how to cope with major shocks in a marriage. Eat right, exercise, don't drink too much, work on yourself as a person, develop new interests. This is all stuff that would probably help you as well.

I think also your family is unfinished business. Your cutting them all off is a sign of pain. I don't believe that is going to go away. At some stage you will need to make peace with them. That might be a little while away though, and nobody else can tell you what that looks like.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

I had something typed ouyt. 

then it earsed. Because magic. 

Oh, sister and brother bet me today they could ru a mile fasther than me. 
A senior and sophorem in high school. HAven;t taken tgym in 4 years. The bet was, I give them $20 ea, amnd they stop giving me shyt for my alcogholism!!!
And I still beat them! Suck it!!!

Al cohlism is for th WIN!!!! 

I jhad a better reason for making this post/ 

Damn it. what was the reason/ 
I learned today why gov't accounting is super stupdi. And hard. 

Oh, my professor in my gov't class told us, about 20 of us? That he expected like 6 of us ot survive to the final. What a great guy?! right!>

OH! and IO got 3 chicks hitting on me!!!
OPne if from before classes started. I like her. Cool chick. 
Other is from class. Another cfool chick. Hot too. 
Third is from drinking game. 


Oh, how can I get into theraopy, or inhouse....couhnsedling. 
Or...rehab. 
I am, in the \semester before I graduate. IO want top graudate. 
I feel like rehab does not help that. 
Alcoholism, then..uh, more work and classes, and my goal is to be able to spend Christmas 2016 in my own aparmtnet, alone and drunk. 
Wouldn't rehab make that more difficult? 
Saying this. Have p[ut 0 effort into researching it.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Ph Uea!!!


The profssor I borke down in front of last smester, like, 1 1/2 months ago, saw me today

Guess what I did. 

If your guess started with T and ended with rigger, than you are righty!!!

asnd it aws only at 2:30 ish. 
So I only had the flask in my back pack. 
Ad if that sounds bad, what's tfunny isx you think I'm kidding!!!

Want to know how it ended?

Disabled stall with me crying my guts out. 
Kill me right? 
Or is Fvck me right from that meme? 

Something like that.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I'm glad you are grieving. Its helping you recover even though its hard on your body. That stuff HAS to come out and it will whether you want it to or not Hun. Take the best care of you. Proud of your talents. Keep researching rehab. What good will an apartment do you if you aren't around to enjoy it, so yea, it could facilitate that reality. Great goal.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Broken at 20 said:


> Oh, how can I get into theraopy, or inhouse....couhnsedling.
> Or...rehab.
> I am, in the \semester before I graduate. IO want top graudate.
> I feel like rehab does not help that.


Every college I've ever seen has FREE, onsite counselors. Use them.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Broken at 20 said:


> I just finished getting ready for school. Starts tomorrow.
> It will be a hellish semester. I wasn't told how to construct my schedule properly when I transferred from the community college I went to, so my last semester will consist of all my high level accounting classes. Corporate tax, Audit, Advance financial accounting, and gov't and non-profit accounting.
> Only redeeming quality is it is 12 hours.
> 
> I graduate in May with a BSA. Hooray.


Not you're not if you're going to drink yourself under the table. Then you won't be able to sit for the CPA exam. Those are tough courses that are going to require 120% effort. I found Financial Accounting to be a little challenge, yet here you are with 4 tough classes at the same time. That's what happens when you take all the easy courses in the beginning and leave the hardest for last, then you have all the hard courses at the same time. 

Get your sh!t together and pull yourself off the ground. Seek the free counselling that you desperately need and STOP this Pity Party. No one's going to help you if you won't help yourself. No matter how bad your situation is, there's always someone who has it worse.

I'll check on this thread later on in the day, in the meantime, I have to get ready because I have my management class and speech class before going straight to work. My plate is full.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Not you're not if you're going to drink yourself under the table. Then you won't be able to sit for the CPA exam. Those are tough courses that are going to require 120% effort. I found Financial Accounting to be a little challenge, yet here you are with 4 tough classes at the same time. That's what happens when you take all the easy courses in the beginning and leave the hardest for last, then you have all the hard courses at the same time.


No, it's what happens when a counselor tells a transfer student how to arrange his schedule, and doesn't know anything about the accounting program. 
Therefore, you get, yours truly. 


What else...
I got my graduation stuff in the mail. No one in the house seemed to notice. Or maybe they didn't care. 

Oh, so did my brother. 
He already informed me I am not to attend his graduation. 
I almost want to show up drunk to it just to peeve him off, but that is more a 'funny to daydream about than actually do' idea. 


It is my cousin's 10th birthday, the party was Saturday. Cute little girl I haven't seen in 8 months. At this rate, probably won't see her for the rest of my life. 

My old computer's harddrive finally failed. And with it, all of the old family photos I had on it. So they are gone. Wiped. Cleaned out. Never see-able again. Like letting go of the final piece of that life. 

I've read several of the threads here, for...some reason. Not exactly sure why in hindsight...
But I've seen some BS's hit like an indifference stage, or a numb stage. 
Think I'm there. 
How long does that stage last? And does it still come with uncontrollable triggers, and all those unpleasant things?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Numbness is your body's way of helping you heal. A counselor will help you not stay stuck there too long, but for now, allow it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

We are still here for you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Did you start going to your school's therapist yet?


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

turnera said:


> Did you start going to your school's therapist yet?


No. 


Also read the paper this morning. 

My school made the headline. 
Why? 

Stripped of several titles after an external audit revealed they had lied about enrollment records, exaggerated and inflated numbers about alumni (like how many people an entrepreneurship major hired after graduating), among a bunch of other things. All this following an audit done by one of the accounting firms I am hoping to get into someday. 

Well, guess I am going to want/need to get a masters degree. Granted, I am not an entrepreneurship major, but this is the worst F-ing timing however. 
And sure, some people might say it doesn't matter, but I don't want people to look at my resume, and see a degree from a college that was recently in the paper for lying and fraud. 

My teachers tell me I need to be moral, and full of integrity. And not become a crooked accountant. Yet that doesn't apply to the administration? Like, seriously!?!
Can't even trust my school to not lie about shyt. When they're telling me to be honest when I go out into the real world.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

my son is actually about to start an accounting masters in that very same program.......he is tired of being stuck in his current job. Don't worry about the bad press the school has right now....getting the degree is what is important, so you can become marketable.

I wish you well......and try to remember that the booze only puts off dealing with reality........and makes the reality worse.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

One step at a time. Complete your degree. Get the best job you can. Work your way up.

Life throws curve balls. It's how you deal with them that defines your level of success.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

oneMOreguy said:


> my son is actually about to start an accounting masters in that very same program.......he is tired of being stuck in his current job. Don't worry about the bad press the school has right now....getting the degree is what is important, so you can become marketable.


Your son is going to my school? 
After all the bad press? 
Because I sure wouldn't suggest it. 


I was interviewing, or scheduled, to have an interview with a trust company today. For an internship over the summer. 
Life lookin up right? 
WRONG! 
Called me today to cancel. 
And after I pressed them for details, they said they don't want their interns coming from a school that lies and commits fraud. Because they're in the trust business, and you can't have clients that don't trust you. You're not a broker, so you can't F-em over at the end of the day. 



> I wish you well......and try to remember that the booze only puts off dealing with reality........and makes the reality worse.


I am getting a better grasp of my drinking. 
Only drinking 4-5 nights a week now. Which is better than everyday.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Broken at 20 said:


> Your son is going to my school?
> After all the bad press?
> Because I sure wouldn't suggest it.
> 
> ...


Proud of your efforts on the alcohol... 

Thought of you the other day when I heard a song by Natalie Grant called Burn Bright

Use your past as fuel for the future... I have a feeling that is exactly what you are going to do...


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

I had a reason for this post. 

But I can;t for the life of me remember. 

No. Tuesday is not one of those. 2-3 nights a week I don't drink. 

Lady friend I referenced in another friend, while she enjoys social dirnking, hinted that alcohiolisim is not a super sexy straight. 
so working on fixing it. but 4-6 nights a week is better than 7 days a week. 

Oh. Got my hair done liek Don Draper. Idol. for....alcoholism. Something. Joke. 

Went to my tax class dressed like that for the interview I didn;t vtget. 

She complemented me. Totally awesome. 

Whgat was I thinking. 

Oh. 

I am tired. 

I am disowned. ERveryone. Fine. Deserve that. 
And those girls. From the other gthread. Felt kinda uysed. But whatever. Shot in the dark. Cut them out. At least I am good at doing that. 
Cheated by work. And girkls. So who cares. 
Now my school is in the apers. And it is affecting me. Fvcking great. 

I am tired of life throwing me fvcking curve balls. 
I am just...very tired.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Life goes much better when you learn how to turn those curveballs into homeruns.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Life goes much better when you learn how to turn those curveballs into homeruns.


When dioes a strike stop[ costing me family and thousands of dollars? And a job? 
And whatever the gcak else?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Life never stops the curveballs. You get used to it, learn to anticipate them better and the real mastery is knocking them out of the park.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Not all the strikes will cost you big, especially when your life is built in independence more.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Life IS curveballs, Broken. That's something 20-somethings don't get - yet. Life is all about how you DEAL with your own particular curveballs, and whether you can lay in your deathbed at 95 and say, yeah, I did a pretty good job at that life.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Sometimes the curveballs are good....even when you don't see it at the time......


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

So, been going out with some girl from a class. 
Been out on a couple dates. Or several. 

Anyway, tried to hold off for as long as possible about the fact I work in a jewelry store. For...obvious reasons. 

So, female friend, lady friend, uh...girl friend? person I am seeing, anyway, invited me over to her place tomorrow night for some romantic cooked dinner. And some movie. I am probably going to have to watch some stupid chick-flick. 
Better than 50-shades of sh!t.....


So...how do I navigate the murky waters of young girls' expectations for Valentine's Day, since she knows I work in a jewelry store? No jewelry might go poorly. Too much might look...like I expect something. 
And I don't have a lot of other places to go for advice.


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## Ripper (Apr 1, 2014)

Sorry, I got nothing. Valentine's Day blows.

My inamoratas usually get a ticket redeemable for one hour of Ripper loving.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Ripper said:


> Sorry, I got nothing. Valentine's Day blows.
> 
> My inamoratas usually get a ticket redeemable for one hour of Ripper loving.


:lol::lol::lol:

So how do you box that, wrap it, and give it to her? 

Do you just sing them this song? 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ABrSYqiqvzc


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Broken at 20 said:


> So, been going out with some girl from a class.
> *Been out on a couple dates. Or several. *
> 
> Anyway, tried to hold off for as long as possible about the fact I work in a jewelry store. For...obvious reasons.
> ...


Been out on several dates? No jewelry. Unless you want to look desperate. Standard flowers/chocolates or a teddy bear or something like that if you don't know her well. If you know of something small/not too expensive but meaningful to her get that.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Only a few dates? It's too early for jewelry, maybe earrings after a minimum of 6 months.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Also, if she's the type to expect jewelry after just a few dates reconsider the relationship.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Aunt Ava said:


> Also, if she's the type to expect jewelry after just a few dates reconsider the relationship.


I don't know if she does or not. She hasn't hinted, but I don't want to...find myself in a precarious situation. 

I just wanted to figure this out tonight before tomorrow.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Just keep it light, like Nucking Futs said maybe candy or a small token gift.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

If the two of you are already going steady, then do something simple and inexpensive like a picnic under the stars or if its too cold outside then an indoor picnic with candles and soft music (I was going to add wine but you be the judge there). The point is for the the two of you to be alone and close, talking, laughing and making out.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Dogbert said:


> If the two of you are already going steady, then do something simple and inexpensive like a picnic under the stars or if its too cold outside then an indoor picnic with candles and soft music (I was going to add wine but you be the judge there). The point is for the the two of you to be alone and close, talking, laughing and making out.


She's cooking for him so those excellent ideas aren't going to fly this year.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

At the very most, a tiny pair of stud earrings. Which isn't much of a romantic statement. But I wouldn't expect them from you this early on. A box of chocolates. Girls always like flowers (think outside the box and get lilies or something, not roses). Better yet, what does she like? My DD24 is giving her boyfriend of 8 months some special tea that he likes (she's a poor grad student, so nothing extravagant), which shows that she knows him and wants HIM to be happy. What would really make her smile?


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Dogbert said:


> If the two of you are already going steady, then do something simple and inexpensive like a picnic under the stars or if its too cold outside then an indoor picnic with candles and soft music (I was going to add wine but you be the judge there). The point is for the the two of you to be alone and close, talking, laughing and making out.


It is also going to snow. So...

And I am trying to hide my alcoholic tendencies. So is wine a good idea? 
Then again, it might help me get through some stupid chick flick.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Broken at 20 said:


> It is also going to snow. So...
> 
> And I am trying to hide my alcoholic tendencies. So is wine a good idea?
> Then again, it might help me get through some stupid chick flick.


No to wine. No to jewelry. You really don't need her seeing you drinking.

Chocolates or some other candy that you know she likes. A book by her favorite author. You've gone out several times, surely you've done a little probing by now to get to know her. Get her something personal, something that shows you paid attention to her conversation. At this stage something cheap but personal is much more valuable than something expensive.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No way to drink.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Maybe sparkling apple cider would be a better alternative to wine.

As far as the chick flick, why don't you go online and check out some of those and select the one you believe will not make you throw up.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

So had a pretty cool night. 
First time I ate at a dinner table with someone in a very long time. 

Now, not here to brag. Here about something else. 


Other...lady I...went on a few dates with when classes were starting, (if I can even call them dates) I think drove by my work yesterday. Not 100% sure it was her, but you know, creepy stalker syndrome. 

I pretty much cut her out of my life. Which is surprisingly easy. Probably because it wasn't a marriage or even a LTR, or even a relationship. Or a fling in hindsight. 

But she sent me some really sappy, and emotional text last night. While I was on said date. 
I honestly couldn't give less a fvck about her feelings. 
But could this lead to like...stupid, high school drama? 
And should I tell the date this? Or just...delete and forget? My main goal is to just avoid any awkward situations that could arise. I got enough sh1t at home. I don't need it at school.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Is there a ring on a finger or "lets be exclusive" spoken?

If not, you owe neither nothing


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Is there a ring on a finger or "lets be exclusive" spoken?
> 
> If not, you owe neither nothing


Uh...

Not really sure how to put how last night went...
So...

I'll use a song!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQlIhraqL7o

Which would explain the...reason I am unsure how to proceed.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Broken at 20 said:


> Uh...
> 
> Not really sure how to put how last night went...
> So...
> ...


Maybe you should try it again and see if it gives you any ideas.

The other woman that sent you a text? I'd ignore it until she did it again, then respond telling her not to contact you again. She probably won't, she probably got emotional about being lonely on V day and retched out. Not a typo.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Broken at 20 said:


> Uh...
> 
> Not really sure how to put how last night went...
> So...
> ...


So....

You hooked up.

Until commitment is communicated, you are not on the exclusive hook until you put yourself on it.

Therefore don't sweat it.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Nucking Futs said:


> Maybe you should try it again and see if it gives you any ideas.
> 
> The other woman that sent you a text? I'd ignore it until she did it again, then respond telling her not to contact you again.


Like one of those NC things? 
Or just ignore her on my phone? Sounds like the easiest option. 


> She probably won't, *she probably got emotional about being lonely on V day and retched out*. Not a typo.


 



Blossom Leigh said:


> So....
> 
> You hooked up.
> 
> ...


So...if I would prefer it to be exclusive, because...I do, how does one convey that? 
Or is that a bad idea? Considering situation or whatever else?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

You ask her if she holds your same desire to be exclusive and then ask her to mutually agree to do so.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Broken at 20 said:


> Like one of those NC things?
> *Or just ignore her on my phone? Sounds like the easiest option. *
> 
> 
> ...


No, no need to do that. If she tries to contact you again, send her a polite text asking that she not contact you further. I'll be a little surprised if she does try again though, she's probably embarrassed that she did it.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

So probably not in the besty state of mind to make post. 

But I found out where some of my alcohiol is magically dispapering to. 

My brother would tksteal it to get invited to parties with more popular people, and losoe r chicks. 
NO 
I have not bought hin none any. 


Upon fineding out, I decided to yell at him. 
And then when that failed, we got in a brotyherly brawl. 

Now I don't know what to do. 
Apart from locking my alocohl up, whic ish't easy. 
And I am working on cutting down my alcoholism, but it isn't easy. I am down to four-5ish nights a week. I did think of buying a fifth, and having him and me drink it until gone. 
But, besides the being illeegal, I want to make sure he doens;t keep doing this. 

So need quasi-parenting advice.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Take some L-Glutamine amino acid and some B complex vitamins to reduce your cravings for alcohol.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Dogbert said:


> Take some L-Glutamine amino acid and some B complex vitamins to reduce your cravings for alcohol.


Not for me damn it. 
I can't have my brother stealing my alcohol. That is money. 
Second, something. 

Tjhirfdly, he can't be drinking. I don't want to ended up in jail.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Come back when you can speak real English.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Broken at 20 said:


> Not for me damn it.
> I can't have my brother stealing my alcohol. That is money.
> Second, something.
> 
> Tjhirfdly, he can't be drinking. I don't want to ended up in jail.


Then set a good example for him by getting rid of the booze and seeking treatment for your alcoholism.


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## NosborCrop (Feb 25, 2015)

turnera said:


> Come back when you can speak real English.


:iagree::lol:


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Broken, this forum will continue to support you with the aftermath of your father's infidelity but for your addiction to alcohol there is the relationships and addiction forum with people who can help you. Please seek them out. 

We may be strangers but we do care about your suffering.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

broken, you have your head shoved up everyone elses backside.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

So, thought this would be a funny story to post:

Earlier in the thread, I am pretty sure I talked about the husband who bought two pieces of jewelry of the same thing. One for the wife, one for the mistress. 
And the a-hole probably made me trigger. 

Past couple weeks, husband and wife have been coming in to look at stuff for wife's birthday. And the husband said he wanted to try and keep this in the 10k-15k range. 
So boss and I made a bet. He bet he could sell her an upgraded mounting for her diamond, I bet him I could sell her a Rolex. And if I won, my boss told me he would buy me a Rolex! (within reason) 
And If I lost, well my boss is planning on down sizing his house soon and his grown kids are moving back during the summer after living several states away. So...unpaid manual labor.....

Anyway my boss thought this was in the bag. Because he had plenty of mountings to show the wife (plus 40 years of selling experience) while I had to wait for the Rolex come in, then get her to fall in love with it. Plus, the Rolex watches I had her looking at were WAY out of the original price range. 

Well, she didn't fall in love with any of the in-store mountings. So Boss had to get several in from different companies to show her. And some deliveries were delayed with all the recent weather and snow. 
Meanwhile, the Rolex I meant for her to look at arrived yesterday. And she looked at it today, and fell in love with. TODAY!!! Whoever said love at first sight doesn't exist? 
SHE FELL FOR A $35,000 WATCH!!! 

So after the husband bought it, and was pretending to be happy, he had that look of death. Like that "How the [email protected] am I going to do something nice for the mistress now?" Look. (Or I assume it was that look) 

So to all them cheating spouses out there, be careful. Because if your jeweler doesn't approve, he might find a way to F you over!!!
Man I love Karma.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> So, thought this would be a funny story to post:
> 
> Earlier in the thread, I am pretty sure I talked about the husband who bought two pieces of jewelry of the same thing. One for the wife, one for the mistress.
> And the a-hole probably made me trigger.
> ...


hey man....that put a smile on my face. I stay away from those jewelry stores. Sounds like a JoCo type of place....lol

....and it sounds like some heads are rolling at your business school. Hopefully they will regain their momentum. I think my oldest is gonna go ahead and start his masters this Fall, with the ultimate goal of being a CPA.


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