# My wife.



## mrliechten (Mar 15, 2020)

Long story short. My wife worked in an ALDI for about 8 months last year and was fired by the district manager. During the period she has been working there she has talked a lot about him and how much respect how much she admired his way of handling the problems he were given.

She was fired last day in November. I noticed, she the following weeks, spent a lot of time on her pc in the late hours, going to bed around 4 or 5 in the morning, and one night I decided to put a camera up to record during the night. I found out that at one point she ended up masturbating, and I thought I'd look in the history of her browser. She was visiting her former boss Facebook page at the time. I tried to replicate the experiment the following night, and the very same happened and to the boss again. I know it's something people do, but she has called him a lot during January and February and written a long message for him with an apology in Bosnian which he understands. 
She has screenshots of all the pictures from his Facebook and she has Googled his address and birthday. And it is now 5 months since she worked there. 

We've been married for 5 years, have kids. But her behaviour just seems a little excessive

Aside from the snooping on her pc and phone, which I know is unwise on every moral level. Is it me who is going the wrong way?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I hate to tell you this but I think she may have told him that she had feelings for him and she was rebuffed.
She’s crushing heavily on him and if he had acted differently they would be in a physical affair. 
I think you’re going to have to tell her that you know she’s in love with another man and she either stops with the bs or else you will start divorce proceedings.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

mrliechten said:


> Long story short. My wife worked in an ALDI for about 8 months last year and was fired by the district manager. During the period she has been working there she has talked a lot about him and how much respect how much she admired his way of handling the problems he were given.
> 
> She was fired last day in November. I noticed, she the following weeks, spent a lot of time on her pc in the late hours, going to bed around 4 or 5 in the morning, and one night I decided to put a camera up to record during the night. I found out that at one point she ended up masturbating, and I thought I'd look in the history of her browser. She was visiting her former boss Facebook page at the time. I tried to replicate the experiment the following night, and the very same happened and to the boss again. I know it's something people do, but she has called him a lot during January and February and written a long message for him with an apology in Bosnian which he understands.
> She has screenshots of all the pictures from his Facebook and she has Googled his address and birthday. And it is now 5 months since she worked there.
> ...


You're not going the wrong way. Trust but verify is the smart way to go. Try to save all the information and see if you can find out more BEFORE confronting her on her inappropriate and disgusting behavior. Do you two have children? I am so sorry you find yourself in this position, but the facts do no bode well.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

You have the right to get to things such as this in your marriage. Do not think twice about it being wrong or in moral. She has proven already she cannot be trusted already. 

Sorry bro....


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Questions..

She was fired by the grocery stores boss, and not by the district manager?

Why was she fired?

It sounds like she is stalking him.

You need to get those texts translated. 

As others have said, this looks really bad on her part. 

She is having an emotional affair with this district manager.

It may have been more, it may have been physical (sexual), find out what was said in those texts.

Either way, you have lost your wife. 

Yes, you have. :|


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

Aldi? ROTFLMGDFAO!!

Play stupid, get evidence

Get translations, sue for sexual discrimination for her dismissal ( if she was in fact innocent...be careful here. He could have groomed. May need eyes of someone not as emotionally invested but smart and trusting)

Divorce.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## mrliechten (Mar 15, 2020)

SunCMars said:


> Questions..
> 
> She was fired by the grocery stores boss, and not by the district manager?
> 
> ...


She was fired because she was not "qualified enough" for their student /internship way to become a sales assistant. It was laid on the district manager by the one who is in charge of their students are doing well. They had a fight over the phone since my wife felt that they didn't teach her anything. 

So the district manager was ordered to fire her, in front of the store manager, who was brand new. 

I got my camera to translate the letter and it sounds like a poem version of "I love the way you work but sorry". If I find a way to post the pictures I will. It leaves a bit concerned that she seems so invested in him. 


She has more than once said that she is terrible at keeping secrets and if she had an affair she feel so bad that I'd notice in a heartbeat.


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## mrliechten (Mar 15, 2020)

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1OoIavb6BjbnaYEGZd2aSAenNgDglxwe4/view?usp=drivesdk

It was translated through a camera app. It generally seems like an apology. But the way it's written just seems a bit much. Also her guilt? She was being fired for not being taught how to do her work. So what kind of guilt? 
And the latest text to him was in February. But she seems to have gotten quite good at remembering her phone. Though she has informed me that she has nothing to hide and I can check it if I want to.


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

Sorry. Not able to open your app.

An apology is an apology.

I am terribly long winded, just who I am. 

Should have sympathy for that 6’8, 340ish pound man my 5’2 130 frame emasculated at Morrisons in Morecambe Bay a few years ago because he tried to intimidate a cashier in front of my children and he needed a lesson in respect. Then entire store heard me put him in his place and cheered as he walked out with his tail between his legs. 

Point is, Some people are, some people are not.
Is her native tongue (You said she was Bulgarian) possibly the reason for this? 

Are you over thinking things?

Reflect and come to a respectful resolution. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## mrliechten (Mar 15, 2020)

a_new_me said:


> Sorry. Not able to open your app.
> 
> An apology is an apology.
> 
> ...



Thanks for the pov. That's one of the reasons I came here. I don't want to be in the wrong about her if there is nothing to worry about. 
That's also why I respect your reply.
My wife comes from Bosnia and speaks and understands it perfectly. So you could have a good point there. 

My concern was more aimed at, she got fired so long ago, and still looks up his pictures, address, phone number and birthday. And she even got a new contract with IKEA, so shouldn't she at least have moved on?

Again. I don't want to be overthinking things, but it just seems so weird.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

This whole scenario is not unusual.

She values more those who speak her native tongue than those tongues whom she shares spit with.

Their's is this kinship, especially the clan who are Bosnian, especially those who are Serbian.

All else...

All else are felt and tongued inferior. This goes back hundreds of years.

It is so common to identify and value those whom you share kinship with.

The thing about poetry, it is most appreciated by the native tongue readers and listeners.

Others, reading the translation, cannot often, in their bones, appreciate the words. They 'seem', just a collection of words.

Why? 

It is the context and the environmental backdrop, all that 'personal' history that flows through, that becomes so special to the native reader.

And, I suspect, 'that poem' has special meaning to her native countrymen. 
And herself, of course, else, why cite it?

Hmm?

This incident of her masturbating to his Facebook likeness. 

Oh my...

As @Andy1001 has said, she has a serious crush (liking) for the District Manager.
She is fantasizing with her mind, and using her hand to bring him sexually close and making their pairing seem real.

This is why many on this blog, TAM, feel one's country of origin, COO, is so important in how other people view the world and how they act out on this, on our stages of life.


King Brian-


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Herr Liechten, machen Sie liecht, nicht, Ihre situation.

Or the Dutch equivalent.

Keep us updated.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

mrliechten said:


> She has more than once said that she is terrible at keeping secrets and if she had an affair she feel so bad that I'd notice in a heartbeat.
> 
> Again. I don't want to be overthinking things, but it just seems so weird.


That, my man, is womanees for "I'm banging another guy and want to see if my nuances revealed as much".

It seems weird to me too. Most of the time a woman who has the hots of the boss is the last one fired. Men tend to give a lot of latitude to women they're banging.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

My super fast $0.02. Your wife is obsessed with her ex-boss and most likely lies through her teeth as to why she was fired.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Why don’t you take to her about it and see what she has to say for herself.


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## mrliechten (Mar 15, 2020)

Well not much had happened. I'm keeping an eye on her phone and stuff. Nothing new. Though she has deleted the recent search with the boss, from Facebook. And she still goes wild in the bed when I'm not around. I know this because I put up a camera over the bed and told her it was a device for measuring the humidity. She hasn't questioned it.
Her evening walks seem to be as she describes. I found her older s7 edge which was still connected to her Google and Facebook, so that way I know a bit more. I'll give it some time and see if she has changed her behaviour in a few days.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Hell my man, why don't you tell her call you to service her while she pretends you are him.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

I don't believe that you have done anything morally unacceptable. She is YOUR WIFE. She is the person who promised to "forsake all others" and "keep (herself) only unto you".
Do yourself a big favor. Don't bother to "wear the PI hat" anymore..... it'll only make you crazy....

You found out. Now you know. No further evidence is needed. Your own judgement that your wife is cheating on you, I'm afraid, is correct.

Here's the problem. For which you need to consult an attorney.....

Find out where you stand legally in this matter. KNOW. And, do it now. If you divorce, where will you go, if you stay, where will you be, etc. Financially, and if there are any kids, custodially where will you be if you divorce. By "where", I mean situationally, not just where you will reside. Money. Kids. Living space.

Always make decisions based on FACTS and never upon emotions. And, do what is best for you and your kids, and don't give one millisecond of consideration to her or her needs and desires.

Know all the answers BEFORE you confront her.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

If you can monitor this camera live, be nearby when she gets going and then show up all of a sudden. 

What happens next will tell you a lot.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

mrliechten said:


> Well not much had happened. I'm keeping an eye on her phone and stuff. Nothing new. Though she has deleted the recent search with the boss, from Facebook. And she still goes wild in the bed when I'm not around. I know this because *I put up a camera over the bed and told her it was a device for measuring the humidity.* She hasn't questioned it.
> Her evening walks seem to be as she describes. I found her older s7 edge which was still connected to her Google and Facebook, so that way I know a bit more. I'll give it some time and see if she has changed her behaviour in a few days.


Is this legal where you live? Be prepared for when she finds out you duped her.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

MJJEAN said:


> My super fast $0.02. Your wife is obsessed with her ex-boss and most likely lies through her teeth as to why she was fired.


^^^This. Its never really posted about on TAM, but I have seen it happen in real life. Sometimes a crush that someone has might as well be defined as a one way EA. They become so obsessed that they can actually start looking down at their spouse. They do this because they get so caught up in the fantasy of what it would be like to be with their crush. I don't really see this as gender specific but as an employer I've seen it happen from time to time. Just my theory but I think what happens is they initially find the person physically attractive. Then just because the person is being nice to them (they are co-workers after all), they somehow get totally fixated and start obsessing about what it would be like to be with them. 

I see this kind of thing in my employees from time to time. No one likes to believe their spouse is advertising for an affair. We like to think they were seduced or somehow coerced into it by the POSOM. But thats not how it always works. Its just as likely that a potential POSOM is picking up a vibe from the potential wayward wife. I'd be curious to find out what the manager's impression of the OP's home life is. Fairly certain his wife painted a bleak picture. People come to work complaining about their spouses to their crushes in the hopes of getting their attention. I once traveled with one of my female execs with just us two. All she did the whole time was complain about her husband, it was so obvious what she was trying to do. Eventually she did have an affair. Once someone starts shopping for an affair. They tend to not stop until they find a taker. The OP's former boss is clearly not interested, however that doesn't mean there still aren't issues that need to be resolved here.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

ReformedHubby said:


> The OP's former boss is clearly not interested, however that doesn't mean there still aren't issues that need to be resolved here.


Or they did have something going and it became a problem at work, so she was let go. Frankly, every time I have seem something similar happen the boss, if they're any good at their job, will be kept on as the "problem employee" can be more easily replaced.

If she's this unhinged at home 5 months after being fired, I can only imagine how she must have behaved at work in the thick of it.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

MJJEAN said:


> Or they did have something going and it became a problem at work, so she was let go. Frankly, every time I have seem something similar happen the boss, if they're any good at their job, will be kept on as the "problem employee" can be more easily replaced.
> 
> If she's this unhinged at home 5 months after being fired, I can only imagine how she must have behaved at work in the thick of it.


I'd put my money here.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

_"Is this legal where you live?" _ ask Blondi.

He needs to check with Mr. Roarke. 




MJJEAN said:


> If she's this unhinged at home 5 months after being fired, I can only imagine how she must have behaved at work in the thick of it.


If the boss wasn't interested, her in the stock room with him was probably similar to him being in a MMA boxing cage with a woman world "champeen". A lot of guys would have simply banged her brains out. If he didn't, its not her fault he's missed out.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

VladDracul said:


> _"Is this legal where you live?" _ ask Blondi.
> 
> *He needs to check with Mr. Roarke.
> *
> ...


LOL.:wink2:


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

What is compelling to anyone, is what you allow it to be.

Dreams can be most compelling, as they have no solid boots, but can have soiled roots.

As such, they can float about and take shape, newly and daily.

This wife, her mind is fixated on something, most likely that Bosnian man.

As mentioned, that something is connected, first to her mind, then to her hand.

She escapes her 'perceived' marital prison, and quenches her wants, in bed, this, never too late at night.

She is not alone in this, others find that well traveled path, it moistened with needful lust.

...................................................................

Note, and this thought, aside:

When humans masturbate, many need a face to stroke to. She appears to be using the old district manager's likeness.
No so in vain, in plain sight.

He MAY only serve this purpose. 

Her crush for him might be past, but her need of relief keeps him, and his face, fast handy.
A big 'if' here.


The fact that she regularly services herself is a sign that her marriage is not 'intimately' sufficient. 

She is more high desire, HD, than supposed.
A common thing, this. 

Umm, Mr. 'Lichen', leave that dark, cave-way of thinking and jump on it!


The Typist-


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## mrliechten (Mar 15, 2020)

Well. Time for an update apparently. And to all of you, thanks for the replies and great advice. 

6 days ago I confronted her about my worries. 
That didn't go as expected and I have to admit. I'm both relieved but also not sure what to make of it. 
She said that she had the feeling that I was snooping aroundin her private stuff so she had been searching for her boss, just to make me make a mistake and get caught in the act. 
Which she had suspected had happened for 6 months. Which is impressive seeing as I only started being suspicious about 2 and a half months ago. 
She told that she wanted to see if I had been through her pc, mails and more and she decided not to clear her browser history history on purpose. 

So I thought she was being careless and instead she wanted to set a trap for me. 
Now she had put on a password for the pc, changed the Google password too but not her Facebook. 
I kinda believe her and yet I'm just not strong enough to let it go, as it felt a bit easy. 

But I can tell that "The typist" has a point with her high need. There has been a lot more sex so yeah. Thanks for the advice.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

mrliechten said:


> Well. Time for an update apparently. And to all of you, thanks for the replies and great advice.
> 
> 6 days ago I confronted her about my worries.
> That didn't go as expected and I have to admit. I'm both relieved but also not sure what to make of it.
> ...


The Bolded above -- I don't buy it. She was suspicious of you snooping, so she MASTURBATED to her Boss' Facebook pics JUST to set you up? Umm, WHAT? Don't think so.
I think when she found out you HAD snooped, then she made up this story about not clearing her cache, etc..
NOW of course she knows you DID catch her, so she changed her PC password and Google password so that you can't look anymore? 
If YOU were suspicious, SHE should have handed over EVERYTHING and say -- go ahead and look. I have nothing to hide.
She did the opposite.
I hate to say this, but I don't think you are in the clear here.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Lies and gaslighting, is being served up to you.

*1. They tell blatant lies.*

You know it's an outright lie. Yet they are telling you this lie with a straight face. Why are they so blatant? Because they're setting up a precedent. Once they tell you a huge lie, you're not sure if anything they say is true. Keeping you unsteady and off-kilter is the goal. 


*2. They deny they ever said something, even though you have proof. *

You know they said they would do something; you know you heard it. But they out and out deny it. It makes you start questioning your reality—maybe they never said that thing. And the more they do this, the more you question your reality and start accepting theirs. 


*3. They use what is near and dear to you as ammunition. *

They know how important your kids are to you, and they know how important your identity is to you. So those may be one of the first things they attack. If you have kids, they tell you that you should not have had those children. They will tell you'd be a worthy person if only you didn't have a long list of negative traits. They attack the foundation of your being. 


*4. They wear you down over time.*

This is one of the insidious things about gaslighting—it is done gradually, over time. A lie here, a lie there, a snide comment every so often...and then it starts ramping up. Even the brightest, most self-aware people can be sucked into gaslighting—it is that effective. It's the "frog in the frying pan" analogy: The heat is turned up slowly, so the frog never realizes what's happening to it. 

*5. Their actions do not match their words.*

When dealing with a person or entity that gaslights, look at what they are doing rather than what they are saying_. _What they are saying means nothing; it is just talk. What they are doing is the issue. 

*6. They throw in positive reinforcement to confuse you. *

This person or entity that is cutting you down, telling you that you don't have value, is now praising you for something you did. This adds an additional sense of uneasiness. You think, "Well maybe they aren't so bad." Yes, they are. This is a calculated attempt to keep you off-kilter—and again, to question your reality. Also look at what you were praised for; it is probably something that served the gaslighter. 

they are constantly accusing you of that. This is done so often that you start trying to defend yourself, and are distracted from the gaslighter's own behavior. 

*9. They try to align people against you.*

Gaslighters are masters at manipulating and finding the people they know will stand by them no matter what—and they use these people against you. They will make comments such as, "This person knows that you're not right," or "This person knows you're useless too." Keep in mind it does not mean that these people actually said these things. A gaslighter is a constant liar. When the gaslighter uses this tactic it makes you feel like you don't know who to trust or turn to—and that leads you right back to the gaslighter. And that's exactly what they want: Isolation gives them more control. 

*10. They tell you or others that you are crazy.*

This is one of the most effective tools of the gaslighter, because it's dismissive. The gaslighter knows if they question your sanity, people will not believe you when you tell them the gaslighter is abusive or out-of-control. It's a master technique. 

*11. They tell you everyone else is a liar.*


By telling you that everyone else (your family, the media) is a liar, it again makes you question your reality. You've never known someone with the audacity to do this, so they must be telling the truth, right? No. It's a manipulation technique. It makes people turn to the gaslighter for the "correct" information—which isn't correct information at all.


The more you are aware of these techniques, the quicker you can identify them and avoid falling into the gaslighter's trap.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

@Tilted 1, THIS SHOULD BE A STICKY! Hey TAM, is there a "reference" section that could be setup for stuff like this -- add the 180, a few of the "how to investigate" threads, etc.??


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

mrliechten said:


> Well. Time for an update apparently. And to all of you, thanks for the replies and great advice.
> 
> 6 days ago I confronted her about my worries.
> That didn't go as expected and I have to admit. I'm both relieved but also not sure what to make of it.
> ...



Fiction writing at it's best. Don't believe a word of it.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

mrliechten said:


> She said that she had the feeling that I was snooping aroundin her private stuff so she had been searching for her boss, just to make me make a mistake and get caught in the act.
> Which she had suspected had happened for 6 months. Which is impressive seeing as I only started being suspicious about 2 and a half months ago.
> She told that she wanted to see if I had been through her pc, mails and more and she decided not to clear her browser history history on purpose.


Lol, that's just about the lamest lie I've ever heard, and I've heard a lot of them.

Dude, what she is saying is making zero sense and just totally fails the good old occam's razor test for one.

The flip side of this is of course that your response to this has been to go all spy vs spy on her and put cameras up everwhere.

This whole thing is massively spiraling out of control and I suggest you both just take a break from this. She's obviously cheating and you're obviously not reacting to that well.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

mrliechten said:


> Well. Time for an update apparently. And to all of you, thanks for the replies and great advice.
> 
> 6 days ago I confronted her about my worries.
> That didn't go as expected and I have to admit. I'm both relieved but also not sure what to make of it.
> ...


Well, she has a talent for taking her pile of poo, rewhipping it up, and serving you a poo panini.
That explanation simply does not pass the smell test.
If she can't dazzle you with brilliance, she is going to whip you with the kitty.
Flip it back on her. Give her a 180 and put the burden on her.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

that is not a trap its gas lightening.....clearing what she has demonstrated is that instead of trying to clarify to help you she has done just the opposite and you should be clear that her actions means that your trust in her is gone...there should be complete transparency there is definitely something going on and you are being sand bagged.


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## mrliechten (Mar 15, 2020)

Yeswecan said:


> Fiction writing at it's best. Don't believe a word of it.


Her reply or the whole situation thing? 
I really do wish it was just a good house-wife cheating story though. This is just friggin uncomfortable.
She has told me that she was good at lying to her parents, about her whereabouts and small stuff, when she was a teenager because she hated her dad. I don't really expect that to help her cause.


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## mrliechten (Mar 15, 2020)

Lostinthought61 said:


> that is not a trap its gas lightening.....clearing what she has demonstrated is that instead of trying to clarify to help you she has done just the opposite and you should be clear that her actions means that your trust in her is gone...there should be complete transparency there is definitely something going on and you are being sand bagged.



She introduced me to G L by telling me, that I was doing it towards her during an argument a year ago. Never heard of it till then. And it could sound like you have a point here.


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## mrliechten (Mar 15, 2020)

Marduk said:


> Lol, that's just about the lamest lie I've ever heard, and I've heard a lot of them.
> 
> Dude, what she is saying is making zero sense and just totally fails the good old occam's razor test for one.
> 
> ...



Yeah.. We have to decide who is the better spy..  But you are completely right. I do feel like my brain is in a circus from time to time. 
And I actually have considered moving out a few times. Or take a vacation on my own.


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## mrliechten (Mar 15, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> The Bolded above -- I don't buy it. She was suspicious of you snooping, so she MASTURBATED to her Boss' Facebook pics JUST to set you up? Umm, WHAT? Don't think so.
> I think when she found out you HAD snooped, then she made up this story about not clearing her cache, etc..
> NOW of course she knows you DID catch her, so she changed her PC password and Google password so that you can't look anymore?
> If YOU were suspicious, SHE should have handed over EVERYTHING and say -- go ahead and look. I have nothing to hide.
> ...



It's funny now you mention it. In the very beginning of all of this, she actually seemed to be transparent about it. She said that we could look through her stuff together if I was unsure. And then it went the other way after a little while. 
I believe that she's just waiting for me to be all like "why you put on a password?". Unlike her I'm way more patient and I know quite a few ways to gain access to her pc but I want her to relax a bit more now that we had the confrontation. 

And if she got suspicious I could let her gain access to my stuff without worrying.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

mrliechten said:


> Yeah.. We have to decide who is the better spy..  But you are completely right. I do feel like my brain is in a circus from time to time.
> And I actually have considered moving out a few times. Or take a vacation on my own.


Stop spying. You have what you need.

Start acting based on that knowledge instead.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Marduk said:


> Stop spying. You have what you need.
> 
> Start acting based on that knowledge instead.


While ordinarily I would agree with you on this, based on the pathetic load of crap he fell for I think he's going to need to at least walk in on them in flagrante delicto to act.



mrliechten said:


> Well. Time for an update apparently. And to all of you, thanks for the replies and great advice.
> 
> 6 days ago I confronted her about my worries.
> That didn't go as expected and I have to admit. I'm both relieved but also not sure what to make of it.
> ...


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