# Me and my H do nothing together



## mhelp2014 (Aug 3, 2014)

We never talk. If we talk, we end up fighting. So we avoid talking now. We hardly see each other. We never do anything together. H is always consumed with TV the minute he walks in the door. This makes me sad, and angry, wondering why this is. I try to live with the attitude, that 'it is what it is' because you can't change anyone, and can't force anyone to care for you. But I find myself always wondering, why is it like this. His family thinks I'm crazy pretty much and that I need help, and has even told him to 'leave me'. So that makes me wonder am I wanting too much. I honestly think I'm just asking for the very minimum in a relationship. Is anyone else in this situation. I feel like we are leading 2 independent lives in the same home. No bond exists..


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## Max.HeadRoom (Jun 28, 2014)

I do not have any guidance here just sharing the fact that I know a couple like this. They have different rooms, friends and take separate vacations. It seems so sad. For them it was because both of them have medical issues that prevent pregnancy. they are mad at each other and the world.


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

mhelp2014 said:


> We never talk. If we talk, we end up fighting.


How long have you been married?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mhelp2014 said:


> We never talk. If we talk, we end up fighting. So we avoid talking now. We hardly see each other. We never do anything together. H is always consumed with TV the minute he walks in the door. This makes me sad, and angry, wondering why this is. I try to live with the attitude, that 'it is what it is' because you can't change anyone, and can't force anyone to care for you. But I find myself always wondering, why is it like this. His family thinks I'm crazy pretty much and that I need help, and has even told him to 'leave me'. So that makes me wonder am I wanting too much. I honestly think I'm just asking for the very minimum in a relationship. Is anyone else in this situation. I feel like we are leading 2 independent lives in the same home. No bond exists..


Can you give us some more info?

How old are the two of you?
How long have you been married?
Do you have children?
How long have you been married?

Do you know why his family thinks you are crazy?

Why are you staying married?


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## mhelp2014 (Aug 3, 2014)

Hello. Yes maxheadroom..sounds a bit like us. we've been married close to 6 yrs. separate bedrooms for 6 yrs. we have 2 children. I don't really 'hate' him, and I don't think he 'hates' me. But there is no happiness. We're like roommates I feel. Maybe worse than that because we hardly communicate. He has a twin sister whom he loves the most and is extremely close to. I, on the other hand, through various experiences with her, just do not get along with her at all. I feel like she is one of the main reasons we have issues. He gets extremely defensive when her name comes up. He protects her if I say negative comments about her. But when his mom or family attacks me, he just stays quiet and doesn't say anything. Obviously, that hurts me very deep. I don't feel love from the other side. Hard to give love back when you don't feel you are receiving it.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Why the separate bedrooms for six years? Sleeping separately makes it harder to have sex/intimacy with your spouse. I'm guessing the sex is nonexistent also? 

I'm not saying sex is the solution but in my relationship, when we are having trouble connecting emotionally or I find we are distancing ourselves (something we're both guilty of doing as we get entrenched in our own activities sometimes) I find good sex brings us back together and we're more connected the next day. The feel-good hormones like dopamine and oxytocin help. When you're feeling good about each other it is easier to talk about problems and try to work through them together.


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## mhelp2014 (Aug 3, 2014)

Completely sexless marriage - almost since the beginning. I would describe it like having sex with a corpse. So that's why that is nonexistant. And you need a connection between 2 souls to want to have sex anyways. I've tried talking to him - which just leads to alot of fighting. Our fights just go in circles & become defense attacks. I get the feeling that he just wants to remain a bachelor in his bachelor ways, and yet still have the title of being 'married'. His attitude to me and kids is always 'don't bother me'. so he eventually got that - i hardly bother him now. Tough situation... not sure what to do. I go see my family alone with the kids. And he goes alone with kids to see his family. Really tough to deal with emotionally. I feel like I've given in alot and bended to his ways, and he's still never happy. I'm sure he feels the same way probably..


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

mhelp2014 said:


> Completely sexless marriage - almost since the beginning. ..


seems like this and the other issues would have been obvious before you married.

why did you marry?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you have a job outside the home?


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

yep. Very similar situation as mine. What do you fight about? Little things, or serious things? Just disagreements, or yelling?


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## mhelp2014 (Aug 3, 2014)

we dated before marriage. no sex before marriage. i don't think you really get to truly know someone until some time after marriage. everything is all great while dating. yes, we both work. I get frustrated when I don't get any feedback or communication from him. ex. I make all the family travel plans down to every detail and he just comes along. No input at all on where we should go..where to stay..what to do there. Nothing at all. It's odd I think. If I tell him anything, he thinks i'm controlling him. So it's now down to me walking on pins and needles around him because he may think i'm trying to control him. And he's the kind of guy who will hold a grudge for years. I've seen him do it to other people, and now he's doing it to me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So why are you staying with him? If you get nothing out of the marriage, I don't get why you stay.


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## mhelp2014 (Aug 3, 2014)

I want the marriage to work. I want our family to stay together. I want the kids to have both parents.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

I really do not think there is a magic bullet here. You married someone who values his family before you. What is that? A complete deal breaker. So is there any reason you want to continue to perpetuate this relationship while your children observe and catalog this as "proper behavior" in a married relationship?

I am not in favor of ultimatums but it would seem appropriate in this situation. By the way why does his family consider you "crazy"? Their attitude seems fairly sub human to me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you divorce, your children will still have both parents. They will spend time with each of you. What you are doing in staying in this marriage is that you are teaching them that this is what marriage is. Your children will grow up to have marriages just like yours. You could model for them that when people do not work on their marriage their spouse will leave. So working on marriage is important.

This is what your marriage has been since day one. You cannot change another person. You cannot make him be who you want him to be.

What you can do is to tell him that you are profoundly unhappy in your marriage. So either he works with you to fix it or you are divorcing him. The shock might wake him up. Tell him that you want him to go to counseling with you.

See how that goes. At least you will know that you gave him to chance to work on the marriage with you.


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## mhelp2014 (Aug 3, 2014)

Thank u, everyone, for your input. It does help to talk to others.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

mhelp2014 said:


> We never talk. If we talk, we end up fighting. So we avoid talking now. We hardly see each other. We never do anything together. H is always consumed with TV the minute he walks in the door. This makes me sad, and angry, wondering why this is. I try to live with the attitude, that 'it is what it is' because you can't change anyone, and can't force anyone to care for you. But I find myself always wondering, why is it like this. His family thinks I'm crazy pretty much and that I need help, and has even told him to 'leave me'. So that makes me wonder am I wanting too much. I honestly think I'm just asking for the very minimum in a relationship. Is anyone else in this situation. I feel like we are leading 2 independent lives in the same home. No bond exists..


Could he be suffering from depression? I applaud you for wanting to keep your family together through tough times.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

You and your husband need to get into counseling ASAP as a last resort.

What you have is not a marriage or a relationship, it's more of a room mate type of situation.

Relationships require constant time involvement, companionship and most importantly friendship. Without it.....you will continue to feel empty and it will all be worthless.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon mhelp2014
What did you do together when you were dating. What excited each of you about the other? Did this change suddenly with marriage, or just sort of fade away?


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Sounds like you need to have an honest conversation with him about what you need out of the marriage, and let him know what will happen if those needs aren't met.

Could very well be a case of him not taking you seriously. Whatever you do don't bury your head in the sand, and don't stick around until you hit a point where you still want out even if he does change.

Sometimes to save a marriage you have to be willing to walk away.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Staying in this does not mean you have a marriage. You never HAVE had a marriage. Do your kids a favor and get out of this situation.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

1st step: Resolve to not live like this anymore.
2nd step: Delivering in the nicest possible way, an Ultimatum -- MC to work on your marriage improving, or you're out, as amicably and lovingly as possible. Make the appointment yourself, and drag him if you must.
3rd step: D if it doesn't work. you're not keeping it together during bad times", from what you have described. You've never had "good times". I don't get why either of you are still there, unless you both are unsure you'd ever find someone else, or are comfortable just having a roommate to split the bills and no romance, sex life, or adult connection. This is no way to live the rest of your life.


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## IcePrincess28 (Aug 4, 2014)

1) what are the things about him that made you love him 

2) the no sex before marriage - is why i won't do it. I really applaud that you stuck to your moral values on this one- bc IMHO it's too much of a risk- finding out that someone has intimacy issues after vows have been said.

3) how old are your children now? How our parents behave does affect us. We will either have relationships very similar or--- fight hard to make sure we are the exact opposite. 

My parents were hardly intimate during their marriage. They're still married. Going on almost 30 years. I've never seen them touch each other. My mother actually told me last year - (wish She didn't tell me that-- I'm her daughter for Pete's sake!) that they have sex once every five years. Their marriage has been more like two roommates. And they NEVER go out and have fun. 

In turn- I am a commitment phobe. I fear the routine that I assume comes with marriage and kids. I divorced my husband after just one year of marriage. 

Later on- I choose very conscientiously to have kids out of wedlock with a man who was first and foremost- my friend. Secondly- a great candidate to be a good dad. And lastly- a lover. We have two kids. And I left after the jealously, controlling and forced on me- routine- became suffocating. He is a great dad and we are wonderful friends. And we co parent very well. 

The next man I dated wanted to get serious after a year. I left. He was slightly controlling. So I used that as an excuse to leave. 

Currently Ive been with a wonderful man for over a year now- who wants to get married and move into a bigger house. But I won't even move in with him. Much less consider marriage and getting a house together. We are still together bc I told him if he forces me to change if I'm not ready. I will bolt. 

I am slowly, dating in reverse. I went from being paranoid about commitment and getting married anyways- to currently- not even willing to consider living with someone who is wonderful to me.

Sorry for getting into my story- and making this post too much about me. I just wanted to show you how MY parents marriage affected MY life.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

IcePrincess28 said:


> 1) what are the things about him that made you love him
> 
> 2) the no sex before marriage - is why i won't do it. I really applaud that you stuck to your moral values on this one- bc IMHO it's too much of a risk- finding out that someone has intimacy issues after vows have been said.
> 
> ...


You can only blame your parents up to a certain age, let's say, 30 y.o. (2 years to go?) After that own your sh!t.

So, will your kids blame you or can they also blame your parents?


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

IcePrincess28 said:


> 1) what are the things about him that made you love him
> 
> 2) the no sex before marriage - is why i won't do it. I really applaud that you stuck to your moral values on this one- bc IMHO it's too much of a risk- finding out that someone has intimacy issues after vows have been said.
> 
> ...


That's an awesome story and one that needs to be told more often. I think the affect of staying "married for the kids" is often much more detrimental to children than divorcing when you are unhappy.

We model our behavior, and by duking it out while you are a love zombie you are showing your children that marriage is a loveless, unhappy grind. And that you shouldn't expect a certain level of action in your relationships.


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## IcePrincess28 (Aug 4, 2014)

aug said:


> You can only blame your parents up to a certain age, let's say, 30 y.o. (2 years to go?) After that own your sh!t.
> 
> So, will your kids blame you or can they also blame your parents?


I'm not sure what my kids have to blame me for as of yet. First of all they are very young 3 and 4. Secondly- they have a great father. My current bf is the only man they've EVER met. And my bf is a GOOD MAN. Altho I refuse to jump into a commitment right now- does not mean i don't see my faults and am not willing to work on them, FOR THE SAKE OF MY CHILDREN. Thats one of the reasons why i'm here. I don't believe many are on here that don't have significant problems. I have much to work on. 

i've only had "serious" relationships. I've never even casually dated. Thats another fault of mine i believe.

And yes i am 28.


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