# Anyone ever gone from a relationship to FWBs? Can it work?



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I have been dating someone for the past few months. Great gal for the most part, just not for me. When the newness was gone I realized that we had little in common. She is rock and roll, I am hip-hop. She is a die hard Trump supporter, I am not. She likes to stay until the club closes, I rarely even want to go to the club. 

Lately we fight a lot when we hang out and it gets to the point we say hurtful things. We mutually agreed to end things recently. I told her I really didn't see the point of being friends because the break up was too new, I said maybe one day and left it at that. I didn't talk to her for a few days. Then she reached out saying we should be FWBs, at first I was like no way. But she kept badgering me, saying it would be "fun", like things used to be. She also said that even though it would be easy for her to get laid, that she doesn't want the drama associated with someone new, and is afraid they might get clingy. I actually can see the benefit of that from my side too. So I agreed to see her later this week for drinks and whatever else happens.

I regret making the date now. Our relationship was really intense from the physical standpoint, it had to be, because we had nothing else in common. In fact it was so intense I think it blinded the fact that we were a poor match. She thinks that we both can handle it, I am not so sure. I felt relieved the past few days we didn't talk. I actually was looking forward to being alone for a while. My question is, has anyone gone from an intense relationship where love is proclaimed by both parties, to just FWBs? Is this a disaster waiting to happen? I really don't want to relive the bad parts of the relationship with her at all.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

ReformedHubby said:


> I have been dating someone for the past few months. Great gal for the most part, just not for me. When the newness was gone I realized that we had little in common. She is rock and roll, I am hip-hop. She is a die hard Trump supporter, I am not. She likes to stay until the club closes, I rarely even want to go to the club.
> 
> Lately we fight a lot when we hang out and it gets to the point we say hurtful things. We mutually agreed to end things recently. I told her I really didn't see the point of being friends because the break up was too new, I said maybe one day and left it at that. I didn't talk to her for a few days. Then she reached out saying we should be FWBs, at first I was like no way. But she kept badgering me, saying it would be "fun", like things used to be. She also said that even though it would be easy for her to get laid, that she doesn't want the drama associated with someone new, and is afraid they might get clingy. I actually can see the benefit of that from my side too. So I agreed to see her later this week for drinks and whatever else happens.
> 
> I regret making the date now. Our relationship was really intense from the physical standpoint, it had to be, because we had nothing else in common. In fact it was so intense I think it blinded the fact that we were a poor match. She thinks that we both can handle it, I am not so sure. I felt relieved the past few days we didn't talk. I actually was looking forward to being alone for a while. My question is, has anyone gone from an intense relationship where love is proclaimed by both parties, to just FWBs? Is this a disaster waiting to happen? I really don't want to relive the bad parts of the relationship with her at all.


I have had FWB and FB. It really depends on the intentions of both parties and the maturity of both involved. Some can handle it some can’t. My FWB and I were on for about 8 months never a single bit of drama. But we were able to communicate about expectations.

My FB didn’t last long as she crossed lines frequently. 

So really it just depends on the both of you


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

It's really up to you.

Just be aware that if she's going to be your FWB and you want to seriously start to date again, you have to drop her like a rock and she can't come scratching at your door.

Some people believe that women can compartmentalize sex and emotional attachment. I do not personally believe so. I believe they think they can, and maybe some really try to, but really they cannot. Emotions ALWAYS become involved. That's just my experience, but it does not speak for every situation.

If you have regular sex with her, it is my strong feeling that she will become attached to you. It means that the attachment will be that much harder to sever when you want to formally put yourself on the market for a committed relationship again.

But if all you want is no strings attached and you're not interested in a committed relationship... then again, go ahead.

My advice regardless of what you may choose... _*choose wisely.*_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I had a relationship that became a long term FWB, and I've had FWBs that became long term friends. I also had one FWB that nearly became a relationship, but we decided it was best not to.

It really depends on what you each want, and can handle. It works well for some, and not for others - individual differences matter.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

It is really up to you. I recently had a similar scenario but in reverse. I was the one who desired a FWB situation. She worried about emotions creeping in. We had one sexual encounter post break up. It was great for both of us. After wards she did not want to continue to have sex. We have been to lunch a few times since then as friends but nothing else. I even suggested it a few times, but she would not do so.
If you decide to go forward. Simply have a drink to exchange pleasantries and suggest you leave to have your fun. One thing I can tell you is that if you have a woman who simply wants sex with you, then you might be into the ride of your life. So be prepared.
If you decide not to go forward, then let her know. And leave it at that. At this point your only obligation to her is honesty.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

You are over thinking things... which is weird from a man.

Just go have fun.. its clear she wants to be physical... And as soon as you see it creep into the emotional world you can re-assess and say "this isnt what we should do right now" and break it off for a bit.

Be upfront before you even start; being FWB doesnt mean chatting on the phone or texting at all times.... Its booty calls only type situation.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Satya said:


> It's really up to you.
> 
> Just be aware that if she's going to be your FWB and you want to seriously start to date again, you have to drop her like a rock and she can't come scratching at your door.
> 
> ...


I second this! Not only when you decide you want to date again will you need to sever ties, but if by chance, when you are not expecting it, you happen to meet someone amazing, having your life muddied with a woman you are ****ing you can't get rid of immediately can be a bad thing and could complicate things with this new person in a way you don't like.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Steve2.0 said:


> You are over thinking things... which is weird from a man.
> 
> Just go have fun.. its clear she wants to be physical... And as soon as you see it creep into the emotional world you can re-assess and say "this isnt what we should do right now" and break it off for a bit.
> 
> Be upfront before you even start; being FWB doesnt mean chatting on the phone or texting at all times.... Its booty calls only type situation.


Yeah...well...there is maybe a little more history that needs to be provided. We actually started out as FWBs. It started as a one night stand, whenever she was out she would text me to meet up whenever the night was close to coming to an end. I have to say I don't even think we knew each other's last names for the first month, or even what we did for a living. Nor did we care. But then something clicked. All of a sudden she wanted us hanging out to be the main event. We started doing romantic things instead of late night hook ups. She became nurturing instead of a party girl. Next thing you know we are using the L word and exclusive. But over time things slowly became more toxic. I always wondered if the party life would come calling her back, and she always worried I would cheat because of my past. Its something that made us both anxious, that would occasionally flare up. We both acknowledge we still love one another. We just know it doesn't work as couple. I think I know the answer. My gut is telling me that the reality is neither of us can handle it, we'll end up in the same toxic cycle. So probably better to say thanks but no thanks. Its going to suck, because I agreed to do it. I do not think she will take rejection well, even if its in both of our best interests.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Whether to engage in a FWB arrangement with her is up to your own values and moral compass. 

If you do not have any moral or ethical problems with it, it can have some real-world benefits. 

For starters it sounds like you and this gal have a good sexual chemistry, but she really isn't relationship material for you. There for I disagree with the earlier assertion that she won't be able to compartmentalize. It sounds to me like she is already a party girl and already hooks up and is not really all that relationship oriented. 

The benefit comes from the fact you will have options and will be able to date without reeking of desperation and you won't be as likely to cling on to someone and you will be able to be more selective and discriminating since some of your sexual needs will be taken care of elsewhere. 

Assuming you are both sane, sober consenting adults, I see no reason not to do this. 

My caveat will be to make sure that you aren't the one pining for a more real relationship with her and that you do not take yourself off of the dating market to be with her.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

I have nothing that really helps you.
I don't believe in casual sex.

The wife likes to joke (pretty damn sure its not a joke) and asks if we ever got a divorced of we could be still be FWB. Pisses her off every time I tell her NO!

Ugh.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> Whether to engage in a FWB arrangement with her is up to your own values and moral compass.
> 
> If you do not have any moral or ethical problems with it, it can have some real-world benefits.
> 
> ...


I think it depends on who the potential next relationship partner is. I personally would be turned off by a man who couldn't handle being single for awhile between relationships...a man who had to have a FB to use for sex, while he was single. To me that is more desperate (since you used the word) than a man who can be content being single. I'd choose a man who was okay waiting for the right partner over one who was having sex, just to have sex, in a FB situation. But that's me.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Livvie said:


> I think it depends on who the potential next relationship partner is. I personally would be turned off by a man who couldn't handle being single for awhile between relationships...a man who had to have a FB to use for sex, while he was single. To me that is more desperate (since you used the word) than a man who can be content being single. I'd choose a man who was okay waiting for the right partner over one who was having sex, just to have sex, in a FB situation. But that's me.


That's why it is his call. If his values and mores are such that he does not find FWB situations palatable, then all he has to do is not have sex with her. 

But even if he does opt for the FWB option, what goes on in his bedroom is his business. Until he is in an exclusive relationship, then how he expresses his sexuality is no one else's business and no reason anyone else should know. Many people have some form of FWB/FB at some point or another and they are often discrete and private. It's not like he walks around with sign that says he is in a FWB relationship.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Livvie said:


> I think it depends on who the potential next relationship partner is. I personally would be turned off by a man who couldn't handle being single for awhile between relationships...a man who had to have a FB to *use* for sex, while he was single. To me that is more desperate (since you used the word) than a man who can be content being single. I'd choose a man who was okay waiting for the right partner over one who was having sex, just to have sex, in a FB situation. But that's me.


I certainly respect how you would feel about that scenario when it comes to a potential partner, but is it really using someone when they are freely offering themselves and getting something out of it as well? It does however speak to ones attitude about sex.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Windwalker said:


> I have nothing that really helps you.
> I don't believe in casual sex.
> 
> The wife likes to joke (pretty damn sure its not a joke) and asks if we ever got a divorced of we could be still be FWB. Pisses her off every time I tell her NO!
> ...


As odd as it sounds I have heard of married couples that are separated doing just that. Seems kind of weird that if there is still passion like that that they would want to proceed with the divorce, but it isn't unheard of. I guess it beats dating when you are still trying to sort yourself out and find your new normal.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Livvie said:


> I personally would be turned off by a man who couldn't handle being single for awhile between relationships...a man who had to have a FB to use for sex, while he was single. To me that is more desperate (since you used the word) than a man who can be content being single.


And it really doesn't have anything to do with "having to have a FB." It's just simple economics. The more options you have, the better off you'll be. If you have that angle covered, then you're able to focus more on finding the right mix of other characteristics towards a more well-rounded relationship.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

ReformedHubby said:


> As odd as it sounds I have heard of married couples that are separated doing just that. Seems kind of weird that if there is still passion like that that they would want to proceed with the divorce, but it isn't unheard of. I guess it beats dating when you are still trying to sort yourself out and find your new normal.


Maybe for the right person. Not for me.
In all honesty, there's no vagina worth my self respect.
When I'm done, I'm done!

If I get divorced I'm going to go be a Tibetan Monk.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

ReformedHubby said:


> I certainly respect how you would feel about that scenario when it comes to a potential partner, but is it really using someone when they are freely offering themselves and getting something out of it as well? It does however speak to ones attitude about sex.


I don't think anyone, including Livvie, is saying that it is using anyone. 

This gal is obviously OK with this kind of arrangement and is more comfortable having a periodic hook-up with you rather than a full-service relationship. And as you said, she is benefitting from it as well. 

Either way, there is no foul here at all assuming that both of you are OK with it and are each entering into it with informed consent.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

ReformedHubby said:


> As odd as it sounds I have heard of married couples that are separated doing just that. Seems kind of weird that if there is still passion like that that they would want to proceed with the divorce, but it isn't unheard of. I guess it beats dating when you are still trying to sort yourself out and find your new normal.


I would venture to guess that a significant percentage of divorcing/divorced couples hook up at various points during the separation and divorce process and many even after the divorce in finalized. 

That doesn't mean it is always healthy or functional, but it is a whole lot more common that what we realize. It happens a lot, people just don't talk about it or fess up to it.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> Livvie said:
> 
> 
> > I think it depends on who the potential next relationship partner is. I personally would be turned off by a man who couldn't handle being single for awhile between relationships...a man who had to have a FB to use for sex, while he was single. To me that is more desperate (since you used the word) than a man who can be content being single. I'd choose a man who was okay waiting for the right partner over one who was having sex, just to have sex, in a FB situation. But that's me.
> ...


You can SAY how someone expressed their sexuality in the past is no one's business, and not a new partner's business, BUT, and this is a big huge BUT I have heard men say, and show, through their choice of relationship/marriage partner *countless times* that the sexual past does indeed matter. Some people do not want to have a relationship with a person who has had: many sexual partners, or has had FBs/FWBs, or has had threesomes, or had unprotected sex with multiple partners, or has cheated on a past partner, etc. And people sometimes even contemplate ending a long term relationship if they discover these things years later! Men demonstrate that these things matter, and many do not want a woman who has done those things. 

Maybe women feel the same. I know there are women out there who would choose to not be in a relationship with a man who had a history of FB/FWB. Just something to consider.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Livvie said:


> You can SAY how someone expressed their sexuality in the past is no one's business, and not a new partner's business, BUT, and this is a big huge BUT I have heard men say, and show, through their choice of relationship/marriage partner *countless times* that the sexual past does indeed matter. Some people do not want to have a relationship with a person who has had: many sexual partners, or has had FBs/FWBs, or has had threesomes, or had unprotected sex with multiple partners, or has cheated on a past partner, etc. And people sometimes even contemplate ending a long term relationship if they discover these things years later! Men demonstrate that these things matter, and many do not want a woman who has done those things.
> 
> Maybe women feel the same. I know there are women out there who would choose to not be in a relationship with a man who had a history of FB/FWB. Just something to consider.


Damn right.
Im not a hypocrite, I would like a woman to have my same standards.

Are there female Tibetan Monks? >


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Whenever Ol' Arb chooses to get naked with a woman, it is strictly because there is something far deeper there than just her vagina!

I really don't take sex all that lightly because, for it to be in any way satisfying, there has to be a mutual, emotional connection there between the two of us!

Having said that, I would hope and pray that she would feel the very same way about me!
*


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Windwalker said:


> Damn right.
> Im not a hypocrite, I would like a woman to have my same standards.
> 
> Are there female Tibetan Monks? >


You sir, are in luck, I just googled it, apparently there is a female equivalent to the Tibetan Monks.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

What's wrong with non-serious seeing multiple women at same time when you're single? Nothing really as long as you are considerate and handling in good taste. Granted some men cannot do it.

I can't comment directly on one seeing an XW as FWBs as I haven't that experience but as an older perhaps with enough general experience, it doesn't seem a good nor self-improving or comfortable thing to do.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Livvie said:


> You can SAY how someone expressed their sexuality in the past is no one's business, and not a new partner's business, BUT, and this is a big huge BUT I have heard men say, and show, through their choice of relationship/marriage partner *countless times* that the sexual past does indeed matter. Some people do not want to have a relationship with a person who has had: many sexual partners, or has had FBs/FWBs, or has had threesomes, or had unprotected sex with multiple partners, or has cheated on a past partner, etc. And people sometimes even contemplate ending a long term relationship if they discover these things years later! Men demonstrate that these things matter, and many do not want a woman who has done those things.
> 
> Maybe women feel the same. I know there are women out there who would choose to not be in a relationship with a man who had a history of FB/FWB. Just something to consider.


Oh you are absolutely right on all of that!

People absolutely will judge you for your past sexual activities. 

That is why personal private matters should be kept private.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

ReformedHubby said:


> You sir, are in luck, I just googled it, apparently there is a female equivalent to the Tibetan Monks.


Please don't tell me they have matching hair styles.
Lol.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> That is why personal private matters should be kept private.


Nah, that shows a distinct lack of pride in yourself as a person of character. Also shows a sense of shame at what the "cat drug in."


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> I would venture to guess that a significant percentage of divorcing/divorced couples hook up at various points during the separation and divorce process and many even after the divorce in finalized.
> 
> That doesn't mean it is always healthy or functional, but it is a whole lot more common that what we realize. It happens a lot, people just don't talk about it or fess up to it.


Makes sense why people wouldn't fess up to it. When you are separated pretty much everyone roots for the marriage to stay together. If they find out you're both still sleeping together, and actually like doing it. I am sure they wouldn't really understand why you want to get divorced.

Full disclosure, my wife and I considered such an arrangement when we were separated, it was her request as well because she didn't want to just go out there and sleep with some random guy, after years of being married, but she was used to regular sex. We had a different type of relationship though, we are still friendly, but no longer intimate. I remember seeing her online dating profile one day. It was awful! I actually reached out to her and gave her pointers based on what I saw on other female profiles, she appreciated my input.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> Livvie said:
> 
> 
> > You can SAY how someone expressed their sexuality in the past is no one's business, and not a new partner's business, BUT, and this is a big huge BUT I have heard men say, and show, through their choice of relationship/marriage partner *countless times* that the sexual past does indeed matter. Some people do not want to have a relationship with a person who has had: many sexual partners, or has had FBs/FWBs, or has had threesomes, or had unprotected sex with multiple partners, or has cheated on a past partner, etc. And people sometimes even contemplate ending a long term relationship if they discover these things years later! Men demonstrate that these things matter, and many do not want a woman who has done those things.
> ...


That's not always possible. You NEVER know who is going to know someone. What if OP, for example, has this FB arrangement. Then meets someone he wants a serious relationship with. Turns out her cousin is friends with the FB partner and has heard all the details, which are divulged by cousin to new partner. Personal matters have absolutely no guarantee of being kept private.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Livvie said:


> That's not always possible. You NEVER know who is going to know someone. What if OP, for example, has this FB arrangement. Then meets someone he wants a serious relationship with. Turns out her cousin is friends with the FB partner and has heard all the details, which are divulged by cousin to new partner. Personal matters have absolutely no guarantee of being kept private.


Yeah and your Aunt Beulah could come back from her mission trip in Africa and give you Ebola.

Life has risks. No risks, no reward.

Abstinence is available as a lifestyle choice if people are afraid of their lover's neighbor's second cousin on their mother's side finding out about it.

So too can people choose to take reasonable precautions and then not let their lives be govered by fear.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Windwalker said:


> Please don't tell me they have matching hair styles.
> Lol.


My wife (and I to a lesser extent) is a big fan of Buddhist thought and practice. It turns out, the hairstyles (not my wife, thank God) do seem to be consistent across genders. Pema Chodron is a wonderful source of wisdom, but at first glance, rather indistinguishable from her male counterparts.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Windwalker said:


> Nah, that shows a distinct lack of pride in yourself as a person of character. Also shows a sense of shame at what the "cat drug in."


Doesn't have anything to do with either pride or shame.

I've been married 21 years and have 2 kids.

My wife is a beautiful, educated profefessional and is very pleasant and nice.

- I do not discuss our personal and private matters with people in real life.

I am proud to have her as my wife and I have no shame that we have sex. - -- yet I do not discuss our sex with anyone because that is private matters between a husband and wife.

There's really no difference with an FWB. It is a private matter between the two parties and should remain private.

It's no one else's business.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> Oh you are absolutely right on all of that!
> *
> People absolutely will judge you for your past sexual activities.
> 
> That is why personal private matters should be kept private.*


I have mixed feelings on this. I mean for a lot of people they may have experimented in ways sexually that they want to leave in the past. It can be especially bad if you have a partner with retroactive jealousy. I do think you should tell a new partner if you had a tendency to stray in the past, but other than that I don't see a reason for a play by play. 

Regarding my former girlfriend she was certainly the most sexually free spirited women I have known. The younger me definitely would have judged her, because she has done multiple threesomes. The older me knows that someone with no sexual hang ups is actually my preference. Its the other stuff that didn't work in our relationship. With that said I don't want to give the impression that we were doing threesomes. Its something that we both realized we couldn't handle once feelings reached a certain level. With her request I know she is only trying to keep what she thinks of as the best part of our relationship intact, but realistically we are both probably carrying too much baggage and resentment from the other part of our relationship to make it work.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> My wife (and I to a lesser extent) is a big fan of Buddhist thought and practice. It turns out, the hairstyles (not my wife, thank God) do seem to be consistent across genders. Pema Chodron is a wonderful source of wisdom, but at first glance, rather indistinguishable from her male counterparts.


Mind blown. Lol.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

ReformedHubby said:


> Regarding my former girlfriend she was certainly the most sexually free spirited women I have known. The younger me definitely would have judged her, because she has done multiple threesomes. The older me knows that someone with no sexual hang ups is actually my preference. Its the other stuff that didn't work in our relationship.
> 
> With her request I know she is only trying to keep what she thinks of as the best part of our relationship intact, but realistically we are both probably carrying too much baggage and resentment from the other part of our relationship to make it work.


I actually know exactly where you are coming from with this.

I had the exact same thing occur in my past.

The most sexual person I've ever known and the person I've had the most sexual chemistry was much the same way.

And like you, we would not have been compatible for a long term, exclusive, full-service relationship.

As long as we kept the other emotional and relationship stuff out of it, our sexual chemistry and connection remained hot and intact. 

Eventually we both just transitioned in to other things and decades later we are still on friendly and flirty terms. 

And as a side note, she never did marry or have any kids or anything. That lifestyle was simply not in her DNA. 

She would not have ever been wife and mother material (I do not mean that in a bad or derogatory way. Just simply stating fact). But she was the perfect FWB and there really was never any drama or problems.

Your Potential- FWB sounds very very similar.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> Oh you are absolutely right on all of that!
> 
> People absolutely will judge you for your past sexual activities.
> 
> That is why personal private matters should be kept private.


This is the area of, potential double standard...right/wrong isn't my intent to say other than what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander (or something to that effect), so fair for one is fair for the other, IMHO.

But it's real, even if unpopular. Men likely have multiple pre marriage partners, or I should say might have, and with the Madonna complex may search out a less experienced partner. But some men don't care.

But if it's important to one or the other it should come out in the pre engagement relationship during normal discussions. 
If one chooses to lie then it's on them. It may never come out. Or, the wrong social gathering; it may come up. People do bump into one another sometimes. It's ridiculous to say it would never happen.

My generation it was/is always, always treat the opposite sex with affection, courtesy, kindness, compassion, and it's ok to see multiple women overlapping as long as you remember part one of this sentence. Never to play one against the other or even talk about one to another. Discretion and good taste always.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> Doesn't have anything to do with either pride or shame.
> 
> I've been married 21 years and have 2 kids.
> 
> ...



Oh, quite the contrary! 
The minute you enter back into the dating market it becomes a potential point of concern for any potential partner. 

Same goes for **** buddies. 

Everyone has the right to look out for/protect themselves.

You can get indignant all you want about it. But it's a fact of life. To some people, (both men and women) numbers count, as does character.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

gowithuhtred said:


> This is the area of, potential double standard...right/wrong isn't my intent to say other than what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander (or something to that effect), so fair for one is fair for the other, IMHO.
> 
> But it's real, even if unpopular. Men likely have multiple pre marriage partners, or I should say might have, and with the Madonna complex may search out a less experienced partner. But some men don't care.
> 
> ...


Here I fixed it for you.

But if it's important to one or the other it should come out in the pre-****ing portion of the relationship during normal discussions.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Nope, and I'd think it would work about as well as going from FWBs to relationship status. That is, not very well.


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## Um Excuse Me (Feb 3, 2018)

:iagree:


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

The double standard was indeed the intent in my post 😊.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Windwalker said:


> Oh, quite the contrary!
> The minute you enter back into the dating market it becomes a potential point of concern for any potential partner.
> 
> Same goes for **** buddies.
> ...


Everyone has the right to their privacy.

Yes people have a morbid fascination with other people's "number" and will make judgements of their character and worthiness based off that.

That does not mean that they are actually entitled to that information however.

If STDs are the concern they are well within their right to ask for STD testing before becoming sexually active with them.

And people also have the right to choose an abstinent lifestyle or choose to not become involved with anyone they do not feel comfortable with.

But they are not entitled to other people's prior personal matters.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> Windwalker said:
> 
> 
> > Oh, quite the contrary!
> ...


Oldshirt, I have a question. Do you believe a new partner has the right to know if you (a general " you") have cheated in a prior relationship?


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> Everyone has the right to their privacy.
> 
> *Yes people have a morbid fascination with other people's "number" and will make judgements of their character and worthiness based off that.*
> 
> ...


That "number" is a pretty good indicator of character for most of the people that this is a requirement for. Everyone is judged everyday, almost as soon as we all get out of bed. Just the cold hard facts of life,

The only problem I have with it, is that quite a few of those people are hypocrites, wanting a lower number than their own.

The rest of it I cant argue. Both parties are welcome to say "NEXT".


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Windwalker said:


> The only problem I have with it, is that quite a few of those people are hypocrites, wanting a lower number than their own.


I hold to the same standard for myself and anyone else. I require privacy, and I extend the same. 

You can ask all the questions you want, but there's no guarantee you're getting the truth or half truths or lying by omission. People shade the truth all the time.

Testing is pretty much all I'd need. 

The bottom line is that you'll _never_ know everything about a person.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Livvie said:


> Oldshirt, I have a question. Do you believe a new partner has the right to know if you (a general " you") have cheated in a prior relationship?


Please understand I have the same curiosities and and same desire for information as the next person.
I understand where all of you are coming and I have the same curiosities.

But what I am saying is that while we may all be curious and we all may want to know about someone as much as we can before we get intimate with them, we are simply not entitled to their personal business and they are not obligated in any way to divulge their prior activities to us.

We have the right to ask. At they point they either have the right to discole to us or they have the right to decline discussing their personal matters.

If you don't like the answer/non answer, you have the right to walk away. 

You have the right to ask for an STD test. 

You have the right to do an internet background search of public record.

You have the right to ask friends, family. 

But at the end of the day, that person has the right to keep their private matters private.

You may have the right to terminate the relationship or judge them more harshly for not answering. But they still have the right to not discuss their prior personal matters.

So to answer your question, yes someone has the right to ask and the right to try to find out if someone has cheated before.

But that person still has the right to keep their prior personal matters to themselves. 

No one is required to divulge their prior bedroom activities to anyone.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

minimalME said:


> I hold to the same standard for myself and anyone else. I require privacy, and I extend the same.
> 
> You can ask all the questions you want, but there's no guarantee you're getting the truth or half truths or lying by omission. People shade the truth all the time.
> 
> ...


That's why I made a very specific point to point out that bit of well seen hypocrisy. If I was to have to enter the dating market (cold day in hell) I hold myself to the same standard. That number is 5. 

No, you never can tell, but for myself, the other person lies about it and I find out, they're gone! Lies are kinda a deal breaker for me. Or they can be honest and we can part ways like adults if they are uncomfortable. No biggie.

Kind of a mute point anyways. I would be looking for a "unicorn" anyways, because I don't kiss on the first date. Hell, I don't kiss on the 10th date, lol.

Hence why I'm becoming a Tibetan Monk. lol


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

So to bring this discussion back to the OP's situation, yes there is obviously a chance that some woman/women may be put off that he was in an FWB relationship. That is a risk.

There is also a chance that another woman/women will think he is less of a man and less virile and less masculine if he passes up a golden opportunity.

As has been mentioned, there are double standards. Some women will judge a man harshly for NOT taking a golden opportunity. 

Regardless of what other women think, the bottom line is his FWB relationship is between him and his FWB. 

It is no one else's business and he is under no obligation to disclose it to anyone.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> Oh you are absolutely right on all of that!
> 
> People absolutely will judge you for your past sexual activities.
> 
> That is why personal private matters should be kept private.





oldshirt said:


> So to bring this discussion back to the OP's situation, yes there is obviously a chance that some woman/women may be put off that he was in an FWB relationship. That is a risk.
> 
> There is also a chance that another woman/women will think he is less of a man and less virile and less masculine if he passes up a golden opportunity.
> 
> ...


Truth be told, I am really most concerned if entering this thing with her would be just as messy as the end of our relationship. No at all concerned that a future potential partner would be put off by it. In all honesty if she were put off by it, its unlikely she would be my type, so it would be mutual. At the age I am I kind of know what I want, and I prefer a partner that is highly sexual like me.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

ReformedHubby said:


> Truth be told, I am really most concerned if entering this thing with her would be just as messy as the end of our relationship. No at all concerned that a future potential partner would be put off by it. In all honesty if she were put off by it, its unlikely she would be my type, so it would be mutual. At the age I am I kind of know what I want, and I prefer a partner that is highly sexual like me.



You two have already split up as a couple.

You are both still standing and breathing so you both have already survived intact. 

Therefor if the FWB thing doesn't work out, what's the worst that would happen and what would be the fix? You don't have sex with her again?? 

That's where you'd be anyway if you didn't have the FWB arrangment. 

So if the FWB ends up not being all that, is it really that big a deal? 

That's what FWB is, no strings, no commitment, minimal investement. 

If it's not worth the hassle or risk just for some poon, then move along, nothing to see here.

But if the poin is worth it to you and the hassle and risk tolerable, then what's the harm?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

ReformedHubby said:


> I have been dating someone for the past few months. Great gal for the most part, just not for me. When the newness was gone I realized that we had little in common. She is rock and roll, I am hip-hop. She is a die hard Trump supporter, I am not. She likes to stay until the club closes, I rarely even want to go to the club.
> 
> Lately we fight a lot when we hang out and it gets to the point we say hurtful things. We mutually agreed to end things recently. I told her I really didn't see the point of being friends because the break up was too new, I said maybe one day and left it at that. I didn't talk to her for a few days. Then she reached out saying we should be FWBs, at first I was like no way. But she kept badgering me, saying it would be "fun", like things used to be. She also said that even though it would be easy for her to get laid, that she doesn't want the drama associated with someone new, and is afraid they might get clingy. I actually can see the benefit of that from my side too. So I agreed to see her later this week for drinks and whatever else happens.
> 
> I regret making the date now. Our relationship was really intense from the physical standpoint, it had to be, because we had nothing else in common. In fact it was so intense I think it blinded the fact that we were a poor match. She thinks that we both can handle it, I am not so sure. I felt relieved the past few days we didn't talk. I actually was looking forward to being alone for a while. My question is, has anyone gone from an intense relationship where love is proclaimed by both parties, to just FWBs? Is this a disaster waiting to happen? I really don't want to relive the bad parts of the relationship with her at all.


Hell yeah! FWB for the win!

Wish I'm so blessed as to have a FWB who doesn't want a relationship!!!


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Wow, I really do not know women, and I should have followed my gut and not done it. We met up as planned, and over drinks she seemed cool. She said she had a date coming up on Friday and told me all about the guy, who he is, how many cars he has, his house, bla, bla, bla. We had rules set up ahead of time to keep our dating lives private, but I was surprised it wasn't bothering me so I let her talk about it. She also said that she found someone else to go with on the Mexico trip she planned for us, apparently another old flame. I said I would go as friends but really preferred if she found someone else. So my assumption is that she was all good, although I was surprised at how fast she moved on, especially since she insisted she still wanted to be FWBs even though I was reluctant. 

Yeah, so we get to my place and things were fine there too...until afterwards. We were laying in bed and she started asking me questions about what I was planning to do. I said I am starting therapy and want to figure some things out before I date. She then asked if I would ever consider trying to go back to my ex-wife. She has always had major retroactive jealousy issues with my ex. Normally I would have just lied and said "never". But hey, she had moved on and seemed content, so I said its something I would consider if my ex would entertain it, but only after I really knew for sure. She immediately started crying, I said we probably shouldn't do this anymore as far as hooking up is concerned. Then it turns to rage. She storms out angrily grabbing the things she left behind during our relationship. I woke up to 20 texts of her ranting and raving about how I am a POS, and how she is going to put intimate pictures of me all over the web, how she is going to send the pics to my ex-wife (who knows I am dating her btw). It was bizarre. 

Just to shed some background, it always bothered my girlfriend that my ex was the complete opposite of her. My girlfriend was more playboy bunny/ real house wife, my ex was more of your regular cute and sweet suburban mom. They are also different races. I would never bash my ex and that bothered her. My ex and I do have an unusually chummy relationship. I do like to see her happy. I bought my ex a high end sports car for Christmas, outside of our established financial agreements. Its the least I could do for her, for putting up with my crap. My girlfriend knew about that, but hey, I bought her a Rolex, with diamonds around it, and a new tanning machine for her salon. She also can drive any of my other cars anytime she wants, I never cared at all. Plus no way am I buying a car for someone I am just dating. I wish I could call my girlfriend crazy and be upset at her. But.....the crazy thing is, all this time I think my girlfriend knew there was more under the surface then even I knew when it came to my ex. Me validating that is probably what caused the meltdown.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

...


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Well, I told you so.

And... I don't really think she's your gf any longer... Do you?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Wow, you bought your ex wife a sports car for Christmas while you were in a relationship with a new woman!

While your ex (girlfriend) does not sound particularly sane, you have to admit some of the crazy may have been contributed to by the fact that she was right about there still being something there with your ex wife that you were not over...


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Satya said:


> Well, I told you so.
> 
> And... I don't really think she's your gf any longer... Do you?


You sure did. I don't consider her my GF any longer. I was surprised that I wasn't emotional as well given how intense the relationship was. I guess I am really done.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Livvie said:


> Wow, you bought your ex wife a sports car for Christmas while you were in a relationship with a new woman!
> 
> While your ex (girlfriend) does not sound particularly sane, you have to admit some of the crazy may have been contributed to by the fact that she was right about there still being something there with your ex wife that you were not over...


Yes I bought my wife a Porsche for Christmas....but...my Aston Martin was in my girlfriends garage like half the time. I really didn't care that she drove it, and would leave it there for days at a time. In fact when we broke up I was in no rush to pick it up. Of course I did get around to it. But honestly she had nothing to complain about. Her kid loved being dropped off to school in it. Not saying this to be like oh look at me...just providing context. With that said, any woman I am with will just have to accept that I will always do much more than whats written on my agreement for my wife and kids financially.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

The key to having a FWB is to not treat them like a FWB.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

ReformedHubby said:


> Livvie said:
> 
> 
> > Wow, you bought your ex wife a sports car for Christmas while you were in a relationship with a new woman!
> ...


Notice you referred to your ex wife as your wife. That kind of slip up could be really problematic for a relationship in the future, if it happens around someone you really care about and want to keep around.


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