# Need some help PLEASE!



## Yankees31 (Nov 22, 2010)

Hello all,
Here is what I am going through right now and I would like to see what other people think about my situation.
The first thing I want to say is that I have never abused or cheated on my wife, and I do not believe she has cheated either. 

Ok so here goes. To start we have been married for almost 11 years and been together for 14, We have 3 children, daughter 14, son 9, and daughter 6....I am 36 and my wife is 33.

So here is where the problems began, about 5 years ago I decided to take a financial risk and lost about $200,000, I took as cash advances from our credit cards and did not tell her. Needless too say everything went bust and I lost it all and was saddled with 200k in credit card debt. We tried to file bankrupcy but that did not work out at the time because both of our incomes were too high. So I just ignored it hoping that it would just go away....well it didnt. both our pays started getting garnished and it just put alot of stress on her. Keep in mind my wife is not a materialistic woman, she is very conservative and does not want for anything. I was the one always spending, spending, and spending from Ferrari's to Lamborghini's etc. Even through all this we did keep our house and nobody ever went without.

About 2yrs ago I lost my job...this was good and bad. Good because we were able to file bankrupcy again(it went through this time and the garnishments stopped) but bad because I was out of a job. I did wind up starting a business that started to do pretty well but, she still lost that sense of security of when I worked for others. To try to make this short and to the point., I still went on my spending sprees including buying 11 guns after she told me she did not want them in the house. I am not making an excuse but she had been pretty mean to me leading up to this purchase so I basically just ingored her anyway.

Well one night in October it all came out and ever since then it has been a nightmare in my house. She tells me she is very hurt and does not know if she can trust me again. When I asked her if she wants to stayed married she keeps saying she dont know. She needs time. We agreed to go to counseling and after 2 sessions she decided that she was going to go just by herself and not continue the couples thing. Since then I have gotten a very high paying job and continue to run my business that is growing daily. I now include her in every bill that is paid and let her know every dime that is coming in the house. I have also sold a few of the guns and the remaining ones are out of the house.

...and this is where we are at now....


There are a few things I want to add that completly confuse me..
1. I asked her if she wanted me to leave and she said NO
2. We still sleep in the same bed together
3. We still have sex together...I would say probably 2 times a week.


One other inportant issue I need to add and this is a key issue.
About 5 years ago my wife decided to coach cheer with my older daughter(at my suggestion) and it is like it consumes her life. And the biggest problem is that she has become best friends with the head coach. I know that everybody needs friends but their relationship is on the lines of obsession. They text each other on the avg of 2500 times a month, she is constantly going over her house. She definately seems to care more about her friend than me, and I dont like it. This friend of hers is a control freak and now controls my wife and she doesnt even see it. If I say something it just looks like I want to control my wife and dont want her to have any friends...but that is farthest from the truth. I just know where to draw the line between my friends and my wife.

Please I left so much out so any and all opinions would be great, and if you need to know anything else please ask.

I truley love my wife dearly and would do anything not to loose her. But it really hurts when I get spoken to nasty(if at all) and am constantly ignored by her...

Thanks


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

ok you admitted you were wrong. saying the words dosent make the hurt go away like a mr. clean magic eraser. she is carring around hurt and prob resetment. 

she will come around if you keep the lines of comm open. as for the friend, you have to play it by ear. is she a good witch, or a bad witch.

if you push it, she will only pull back from you farther. keep telling her about your business youve got going on, and other daily stuff. she has to rebuild trust in you and you have to mke it as easy as possible.

she has to feel you have no secrets from her. money is very tough to restore trust in. you put her comfort and security at risk. the childern were at risk of loosing everything the two of you have built for them to feel safe. 

that is a small amount of the B roll footage running in her head almost 24 hours a day. you have to resure her on every one of these things. 

hey what is life if not a challenge? go get her back!!


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## Yankees31 (Nov 22, 2010)

The problem is she does not seem to want to communicate with me. When I talk to her she either ignores me or talks nasty with one work quick responses.

If I try to talk with her about things she says I am pressuring her. I feel like I cant win.

And in my opinion the friend is a "bad witch"

Right now this friend is the most important person to her besides our children.

And when I try to tell her about my new job, which is actually my old job where I worked for 12 years, she has not intrest.

And when I tell her about my business there really is NO intrest whatsoever.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You might want to look at some of the things people talk about doing to break through a spouse who's in an affair... Work on improving yourself, and show her that you've changed with your actions, rather than talking it out. 

Just a thought. Why did she decide to go to counseling on her own instead of joint? Have you considered doing the same? Show her that you're serious about fixing yourself, regardless of what happens.

C


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## Yankees31 (Nov 22, 2010)

I agree with you on changing myself, and that is what I have been doing. I actually feel better about myself about the person I am changing into. I also have went to see someone by myself and will continue to.



I still am confused about these two things though.

The fact that she still has sex with me....does this mean anything? Is it a good thing? Keep in mind that my wife is not a very sexual person...

Also no matter what, either when I leave early or she does for work she will always make it a point to kiss me and tell me she loves me. Good thing or just habbit?


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

I think it sounds like your wife still loves you very dearly but she feels very hurt and betrayed by the fact that you abused her trust and did things that disregarded her feelings....loving someone deeply and at the same time being really hurt by them leads to a lot of confusing and conflicting emotions (at least it did in me with my husband) 

the fact that she is still physically able to be with you i think is a really good sign and also that she is willing to go to counseling....just a thought, she may have decided that she wanted to go on her own because she need some space for herself to work through her conflicting feelings about you and she can't really do that with you sitting there....when I did marriage counseling with my husband, I was in an emotional turmoil, I loved him so much but I hated him for the lies and secrets.... in the sessions, he did a lot of talking and managed to get across his emotions / feelings, I just did a lot of crying and didn't really feel able to clarify what I wanted....the counselor suggested I should come on my own instead.......

I think you have a lot of work to do, have you sincerely apologised to your wife and explained why you acted like you did? Have you told her you know it was wrong and you can see that she is hurting and you are sorry you hurt her? after that, I think you will need to have complete transparency so she can learn to trust you again......

regarding your feelings about her friend, you could just explain to her nicely that you would love to spend some more time with her and suggest maybe an evening a week when you do something nice together - maybe cook dinner for her....just try to show you are interested in spending some nice time with her and she will appreciate that, rather than expressing annoyance about this friend...she probably feels she can rely on the friend more than you at the moment and saying negative things might just make it worse.......just feel glad that the friend is not a guy - that would be much worse. Don't worry so much though, I think it sounds like you 2 will make a really good go of it together cos she still wants you and you have recognised the problems and are willing to put it right....

(p.s. if you want to work on communicating with her and she isn't interested in your work / business - which i think is understandable given the past money issues -maybe try to make conversation which focuses more on her and how her day has been or maybe some compliments about her appearance / hair etc or say that dinner tasted really nice, thank you etc


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## Yankees31 (Nov 22, 2010)

Everything you are saying seems dead on.

I actually have been doing all the things you have suggested, but I just dont see the results...yet


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

don't worry if you haven't seen results yet, at least you are trying, that is what counts...your wife will see that and deep down I'm sure she knows you are trying hard....it does take time and effort to re-build things, you'll get there and remember, the counseling she is having is likely to help too....hopefully she can begin to remember some of things she loves about you....keep strong


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## Yankees31 (Nov 22, 2010)

I sure hope it does. Now get this, and this drives me crazy.

Our oldest daugher needs a new laptop and asked for one for Christmas. Well I fpund one for a great deal this morning. I called to tell her and she doesnt pick up her phone. So I call again and again....still she doesnt pick up, she is purposley ignoring my call. I send her emails about it and still she ignores me. And I know she could have picked up the phone because she spoke to my mom a few minutes earlier.... 

I found out tht she went into work late and was at this friends house all morning.

She finally calls me after about 10 calls and 8 emails all pissed off that I called and emailed her so much.

I am at my breaking point right now. I just dont know what to do. The pain and hurt I am feeling is tremendous.


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## dukeman62 (Nov 12, 2010)

It appears that there is a strong foundation to your marriage, but the problems that have arisen are do doubt founded in your monetary bad habits and consequent financial instability. You have three children which you both love dearly and both of you realize deep down that there is much work to do, on both of your parts, to see to it that these little ones are protected from any further aggravation in your relationship. Probably the best thing that you yourself can do is to step back and not place the burdens of making amends on your wife's shoulders. You must do whatever it takes to change your own ways and just let her observe your improvements as they occur over time. None of your marital problems seem to be rooted in her behavior--that behavior (her controlling friend, etc.) is only a defensive move on her part. I've myself been married now for some 38 years and, yes, all of us have had financial and personal conflicts in our marriages. What counts is to understand that this is normal and not react irresponsibly when the magic of reason should always prevail. Work on this and the eventual rewards will be very fulfilling to your marriage, I am sure. Best to you!


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

totally agree with Dukeman....take a step back and take a deep breath....you guys will be ok, don't pressure her and don't pressure yourself, you'll just get wound up......

Dukeman obviously knows what he's on about, he's been married for ages and i bet that didn't just happen....he has definitely been doing something right.....on the other hand, i should tell you that my husband and I are separated (his decision) so please take any of my advice in the context that I am unfortunately obviously no expert on saving marriages


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## Yankees31 (Nov 22, 2010)

I know that is what I have to do..."take a deep breath" but alot of times it is easier said than done.

I know I have caused her hurt, but she told me she thinks I dont understand just how much hurt and anger I caused...but I really do.

Then I go ahead and call her 10 times today and email her a bunch of times and just anger her even more. And by all means that was not my intent. I just wanted to speak to her and got frustrated and angry when she didnt pick up or respond. I guess I have to live and learn from it.

It just kills me inside that I keep getting her even more angry at me than she already is.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Yankees, one thing to think about for the next time you're trying to get in touch with her is what would you do if she was a business contact? Would you call someone 10 times and e-mail them a bunch of times, or just do it once, and wait for them to get back to you? I'm not saying what she did was right, but after about the 3rd call, I'd probably ignore my wife just out of spite, especially if we were in a rocky place to begin with.

C


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## zsu234 (Oct 25, 2010)

Could she be having a lesbian affair? That's the first thing that jumped out at me when talked about the 2500 texts with her freind.


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## zsu234 (Oct 25, 2010)

Put a keylogger on her computer, flexispy on her phone, VAR in her car. You'll very quickly.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

She is cheating, and the affair is effecting you and your kids. I'm so sorry that your wife has reconnected with someone else and has directed her attention to someone else. I hope its not phisycal, but at the very least she is cheating you out of a emotional relationship that a husband and wife should share. In fact the both of you might be cheating each other from having a health relation ship. Anyway, is she willing to reconnect with you? If so she may want to devote more time with you and stop contacting her friend. At least for some amount of time you both aggree on, ask her, and see if she want to give the marriage a shot by eliminating the amount of time she is currently spending with her friend. I'm sure her friend will understand, if she is truely our wifes friend. 

Your marriage is in serious danger, I saw this 13 years ago with my W. Take warning, a serious amount of resentment is building and the both of you can fix this, if you both act now. Bottom line, she/both need to change your behaviors now, for each other, get help!


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## Yankees31 (Nov 22, 2010)

Unfortunately, her anger with me right now is too much that if I bring up the "friend" thing it just makes her more angry.

I am hoping I can wait it out a bit, better myself as a person and she can get over some of this hurt and anger.


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## dukeman62 (Nov 12, 2010)

I still think that you should not do anything like make persistent phone call to your wife, beg or cajole and such. Again just sit back and try to demonstrate by example that you are mending your old ways and doing whatever necessary to remove those things that your wife had been complaining about. To implement an old, but good, saying--"Actions Speak Better Than Words"--is the way to go in your case.


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## Yankees31 (Nov 22, 2010)

Yes I agree, phone calls and emails will get me nowhere. As will getting angry and fighting and saying things that I really dont mean.

I guess the only thing I can do is be patient...plug along, and show her that I am changing.

I really do hope that she will be able to put this behind us and move forward.

She is my best friend, now I just got to become her best friend again


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## zsu234 (Oct 25, 2010)

Yankees

Put away your guilt for cheating she's cheating with her girlfriend.
Put a keylogger on her computer, flexispy on her phone, VAR in her car and you will know very quickly.


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## Phoebe Hutchison Author (Nov 25, 2010)

Hi Yankees
Firstly, thank you for sharing. You have brought up a lot of issues, and from the outside it does appear as though you may need to change your strategy. You made a mistake with the money, but that is the past, so do not keep thinking about it. Forgive yourself. If your wife is having sex with you, that too is a good start. The fact that she is spending alot of time outside the relatiobnship may indicate her needs are being met elsewhere -which is ok. However, if too much time is spent outside the relationship, this will cause you to feel neglected. When someone is pulling away, it is natural to be negative, worrying...but that only makes things worse. You need to try and be positive, treat her 'like a princess' (quote from my marriage guide), and be the man she fell in love with. Of course she loves you, however, women hate being suffocated. Talk to her about your feelings (calmly) and try and chat daily with her. Are you doing things for you? Do you have a hobby? Do you feel balanced? It sounds like you are more worried about her, than yourself. Worrying about losing someone/something is one thing, but worrying too much is destructive. Put your mind (the rudder of your ship of life) firmly on the positive. Spend time thinking about what it can be like again - how wonderful - not stressing about possible postential losses. You care, that is wonderful and you adore her. You have made it this far, so why not until you are old? I wish you all the best, as you deserve it ... Be kind to you, be loving to her, and think about this. If you try and capture a butterfly, you will damage its wings. Let your wife have fun, then come home to you.
May your love deepend daily.
Phoebe Hutchison Author
Honeymooners Forever - Home


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## zsu234 (Oct 25, 2010)

Yankees

How's the snooping going?


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## Yankees31 (Nov 22, 2010)

zsu. No snooping, I did that once by reading her emails, and it wasnt worth it.

If she has to learn to re-trust me, I have to do the same and trust her.


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## zsu234 (Oct 25, 2010)

Yankees

You're putting your head in the sand. The main infidelity sites all would tell you to snoop with the red flags you've listed. 2500 texts, not answering phone, text or emails while she's with her girlfriend. Whatever she's up to it's obvious to us outsiders that it's no good. If you put on a keylogger, a VAR in her car and flexispy on her phone you'll know within 48-72 hours what's going on. 

Your marriage is under assault and you need good intel. The longer you wait the more damage done to your marriage. When you finally know, go to MB.com or SI and the vets will tell you how to nuclear expose and end the affair. Good luck!


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

What your therapist said about that? if you didn't ask yet you need to ask.

I agree that you need to take care of yourself do good things to yoursel just to be less stressed and be able to think clearly just be yourself and be happy like that you will help yourself to handle more and do things he right way

Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zsu234 (Oct 25, 2010)

Hey Yankees 

Update? How's it going?


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## Yankees31 (Nov 22, 2010)

Well I still havent gotten served divorce papers....

I really have been keeping quiet and giving her her space and time she asked for. I have not even talked about anything regarding "us" for a while now. I have limited my texts and email to her to just when it is needed.

We will see, but I still dont have any warm an fuzzy feeling about anything. 

Other than that she pretty much ignores me, and talks to me sparingly.


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

it sounds like you are doing the most sensible thing Yankees - she must have a lot of anger and resentment towards you after all that happened with the money etc 

Are you going to the counselling? - hopefully that will help her see your point of view too and start to forgive you - I think until she can forgive you, it will be difficult to get back the warmth between you.....maybe you talk to her? - without a blaming / critical tone - and just say you are feeling sad that she is so cold towards you and that you are trying hard and could you both try to be nice and kind to each other.....

i hope things start getting better for you and your wife soon....i'm sure they will, I wouldn't start bugging her about this friend she has to be honest.....that will just get her back up.....anyway, the friend isn't a bloke so not sure why it would worry you? she probably just needs her to help her through a very difficult time.....women do, I have been leaning on my female friends so much since my husband left me, it's the only way I can keep going...


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## Yankees31 (Nov 22, 2010)

We started going to counseling, but at the secon session she came to the conclusion that she needed to go by herself. So that is where we are right now.

I figure this is for one of 2 reasons

1. She really wants to get counselling herself to learn to get pas all this anger and hurt she has for me.(That is what she says)

2. She is going so she can get the confidence to leave me.

Hopefully it is 1...but you never know


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Yankees - don't stop working on yourself as well!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Yankees31 (Nov 22, 2010)

Whoops I forgot to include the latest.

Last week we went to Disney for the cheerleading National Championships. My wife, the 3 kids, my mother, and brother. It was the 4th time we have gone for this so I knew that we would not spend much time together with her being a coach.

My mother and brother stayed at a different hotel with our 2 younger children, and I slept in the room with my wife and oldest during our stay. 

During the days I spent my time watching football games or with my mother and other children and we ate dinner together as well.(not once with my wife or older daughter though)

Now here is what bothered me the most. I knew that I would not be spending much if any time with her so I prepared and was ok with that. Now in the past the night before the competition all the coaches do a bed check on all the girls on the team, then after usually go to the bar's lounge and have a few drinks with some of the parents including myself. Well we were all sitting in the lounge when they got done and walked in, my wife did not even say hello to me, or for that matter would not even look at me(this really made me feel bad, but I was kind of expecting it) I stayed for about an hour then decided to go back to the room around 1230. Keep in mind that my daughter was staying in another room with the "friend" and her daughter(she has done it for 4 yrs and is supersticous about staying there the night before the competition)

Well my wife comes in at 2am and we have sex. She doesnt talk to me, doesnt look at me but has sex with me that night????


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## zsu234 (Oct 25, 2010)

Her "friend" got her juices flowing and you were her release.


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## zsu234 (Oct 25, 2010)

Hey dude, when are you going into detective mode? Her behavior defies logic other than an affair.


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## Yankees31 (Nov 22, 2010)

No affair going on.


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## zsu234 (Oct 25, 2010)

Well, if you refuse to get the intel to find out what or who is destroying your family at the very least do the 180 on her. This abusive **** has to stop and you have to get control.


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