# Coping with odd lie or two



## Sadman (Feb 25, 2010)

I`ve posted previously that my wife had two consecutive online affairs, both resulting in texting, phone calls and with the second one, meeting him for a coffee.

My wife of six years, once found out, constantly lied her way through all my upset.

We get on very well now but on the odd occasion I bring things up.

Back then when I first found out, I found that she had sent picture messages to one of the blokes, I thought they must be nude ones as I couldn`t understand why she would send so many picture messages. She said they were normal everyday pictures of her and our family etc. She was adamant about this but I didn`t believe her.

A month or so later, still not believing her, I called her bluff and made out I downloaded some software and found some pictures on her phone, she admitted she had taken pictures of her privates but hadn`t sent them to this bloke. He had asked her to send some (she told me they only talked about his marital problems, she used to work with him about 14 years ago)but she said she never considered it but it was in her head to take some pictures as it was a turn on. I still don`t believe she didn`t send them.

Just the other day she registered for some Mystery shopping website and had to pay £40 to register, she denied all this but I found the email thanking for payment, eventually she admitted it.

I can`t seem to get it into my wifes head that I`m partly suspicious anyway and things like this don`t help.

To make matters worse, today I clicked on to her Facebook account that she lets me access and sitting in her inbox was a message from the second man just saying hello.....

She couldn`t stress enough that it was the first message she`d had from him since January and there had been no contact at all. She sent him a mesage back, Please don`t contact me again!

Should I worry about the lies that keep popping up, I considered sending this bloke a message from my wife asking why after all this time he feels the need to contact her.

I asked her if receiving the message stirred anything up inside her, to be honest, whatever she tells me I probably would question whether true or not!

Any thoughts on this?


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## Sadman (Feb 25, 2010)

Thoughts, anyone?


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## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

why don't you install a keyologger and monitor her every move on the net?


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## whynot (Apr 16, 2010)

I can see a dilemma here... kind of 2 sided. You dont trust what she tells you and you have caught her in lies. Dont really know enough from your psot to make a suggestion other than back off from her bc even though you may feel you need to look into her private stuff, she may feel smothered. Or, do as cherypie said and install an undetectable system to monitor her without her knowing. The only problem with that option is you cant then bring stuff up to her that you "discover" as you will be completely invading her legal privacy (although you used "bloke", English maybe, so maybe laws are different where you live?) You would have to have a terrific poker face to use one of those systems... and then hey, you can both be lying to each other....

If you think you can do it without blowing your cover, do it AND back off from her... maybe she will like the reduction in presence and pressure from you and open up, or at least become a bit more loving (although you only mentioned the others... dont know how she is with you romantically).


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## christmaslady (Dec 21, 2009)

I would not suggest any keylogger information (if you can handle it)...1. I have found that if you are looking for something you will almost always find it and if you don't find it, you will think that there is something you missed. It will drive you crazy. 2. I would suggest that you don't want to try to overcome possible deceit with deceit. Besides, if they are going to do something wrong, they will find a way...your computer is probably not the only one she uses (unless she stays at home all the time etc). Be careful, you can be entering into an unhealthy spiral of questions/deceit. 

This is a serious concern, one of which I dealt with for many years. It is almost obsessive, because you don't know what you can and can not trust-almost as if you will continue to look for things until you find something to confirm your suspicions or the fact that you don't need to be suspicious. That confirmation is not always there. They tell you that you need to just trust them (but then you find something dumb and stupid that they lie about and it brings you flashbacks). They tell you "I did that cause I knew you were looking for something" that is just lame. They say a lot of things to try to justify their situation...but remember, in reality, they are not trying to justify it to you, but instead for themselves. They know if/when they are wrong and really the thought that they would hurt someone they love in that way, normally eats them up inside anyway and the truth ultimately comes out anyway.

I really don't know what to tell you to do, because I recently just split with my now ex for this reason. I felt if I could not trust him and I always felt I had to ask 20 million questions to get the truth etc (which if I did or didn't it wouldn't matter, I always felt I did) then I needed to let that go, cause I was only making things more hurtful and difficult by being there and because of those issues, we had become staginate in our growth as a union. This is just what I did, I am sure that there are ways to work through it, I just didn't feel that I was willing to do that. I had already given him everything for basically 17 years..he took it for granted and didn't appreciate it; continued to lie and try to make me look as if I was being unreasonable for responding.

Good luck. I'm sure there is a way, I hope you figure it out and you both can be happy again.


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## Sadman (Feb 25, 2010)

whynot said:


> I can see a dilemma here... kind of 2 sided. You dont trust what she tells you and you have caught her in lies. Dont really know enough from your psot to make a suggestion other than back off from her bc even though you may feel you need to look into her private stuff, she may feel smothered. Or, do as cherypie said and install an undetectable system to monitor her without her knowing. The only problem with that option is you cant then bring stuff up to her that you "discover" as you will be completely invading her legal privacy (although you used "bloke", English maybe, so maybe laws are different where you live?) You would have to have a terrific poker face to use one of those systems... and then hey, you can both be lying to each other....
> 
> If you think you can do it without blowing your cover, do it AND back off from her... maybe she will like the reduction in presence and pressure from you and open up, or at least become a bit more loving (although you only mentioned the others... dont know how she is with you romantically).


Thanks for the reply.

We are quite loving with each other now, this was one of the problems that we had, I used to be loving but she moaned, complained, criticised over the years and the loving went away.

I still have the odd look on her Facebook account and email, not happy about that but makes it easier for me to deal with.


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## Sadman (Feb 25, 2010)

christmaslady said:


> I would not suggest any keylogger information (if you can handle it)...1. I have found that if you are looking for something you will almost always find it and if you don't find it, you will think that there is something you missed. It will drive you crazy. 2. I would suggest that you don't want to try to overcome possible deceit with deceit. Besides, if they are going to do something wrong, they will find a way...your computer is probably not the only one she uses (unless she stays at home all the time etc). Be careful, you can be entering into an unhealthy spiral of questions/deceit.
> 
> This is a serious concern, one of which I dealt with for many years. It is almost obsessive, because you don't know what you can and can not trust-almost as if you will continue to look for things until you find something to confirm your suspicions or the fact that you don't need to be suspicious. That confirmation is not always there. They tell you that you need to just trust them (but then you find something dumb and stupid that they lie about and it brings you flashbacks). They tell you "I did that cause I knew you were looking for something" that is just lame. They say a lot of things to try to justify their situation...but remember, in reality, they are not trying to justify it to you, but instead for themselves. They know if/when they are wrong and really the thought that they would hurt someone they love in that way, normally eats them up inside anyway and the truth ultimately comes out anyway.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the reply.

All of the above rings true, makes a lot of sense.


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