# Can Our Marriage Survive?



## PittieLover25 (Apr 7, 2018)

Hello and thanks for taking the time. First, a little background information. My husband (J) and I have been married 8 months, and dated for three years before we got married. I have always known his family didn't like me. I will admit that I was disappointed when I figured this out because I come from a small family, and his is large and so I was looking forward to being part of that. 

Our wedding was beautiful, but also a disaster. We had respectfully informed J's parents that we wanted an alcohol free wedding. I have many family members in recovery, and J and I aren't big drinkers. One of the worst parts about this is that I knew they would sneak in alcohol anyway. However, I figured they would be subtle about it. No, their entire side of the family proceeded to get wasted. Enough that I, the bride on cloud nine and totally oblivious, could tell and smell it. Enough that my planner actually had us wrap the wedding up early, and most of my family left early because they were uncomfortable. We were even called by my Step Father In Law (SFIL) for him to brag about how drunk everyone was/ complain that he had to be the DD. I later decided to post a status on facebook, not tagging anyone or naming any names, simply saying how I didn't appreciate that my choices for MY wedding weren't respected. My mother in law (MIL) responded by saying something to the affect of how "at least she didn't smoke pot behind the bathrooms" Which I had done to ease my nerves. When J later called them on this, they responded by saying they were willing to pay the fine if they got caught with the alcohol. 

Fast forward 8 months. I never feel wanted in their home. It's not that I'm not welcome, but I'll show up and it will be like I'm not even their. They'll feed me and say hello but that will be the extent of their kindness. They won't engage in conversation with me, and will not really listen when I try to talk to them. This tends to cause me a lot of anxiety, because I want to be a good wife and Daughter in Law, but it's exhausting putting out the effort when there is never any reward. 

Two nights ago I had gone over to their place for J's birthday party. I wasn't even there 30 minutes when his uncle, who was drunk, decided it was time to berate me. He went on and on about how I need to be nicer to J, how I HAVE to go in and hug my MIL, how I HAVE to make an effort. How it was stupid of me to want a dry wedding. It eventually came out that they all think I'm basically a *****. Now, I will admit that I put up a cold front. I have faced a lot of abuse in my past, both physical and emotional. Some from my own mother. I tend to hold back who I am until I know I can really trust someone, and I guess I just never got comfortable around my In Laws. 

During this whole time J's uncle is berating me (I'm clearly upset at this point, anyone with eyes could tell) J does nothing. He pipes in once when I say I want to end the conversation, and basically says "Yeah, let's end it here" but J's uncle continued to berate me. J said nothing to my defense. He just stood there. 

Now, I am not a bad wife. I am by no means perfect, but I don't believe I'm a bad wife either. I work hard, we both work full time and I just started school. I attend to J's needs as best I can, and I thought we had a good partnership. I am not mean to him, and I don't abuse him. 

After being berated for a good 10 minutes I decided to leave, I gather up my things and walk out to my car. J follows me and we have a conversation/argument because he didn't stand up for me against his uncle. He tells me he was afraid of confrontation and it "Seemed like I was handling it" I am very upset by this point and feeling betrayed. My SFIL comes out, wanting us all to sit down and talk. I didn't feel comfortable doing that at the time and wanted to leave, but he stood in front of my car to prevent me from going. He continued to push to try to figure out what was going on, and it eventually came to this: SFIL: "Well we love J and we WANT to love you" Me: "That's exactly my point! You don't care about me" SFIL: "Well, you haven't given us a chance". J and I dated for three years before marriage. I went to every family event, every party. I was even there at his Great Grandmothers death. I feel like I have given them plenty of chances. I eventually had to threaten to call the police to get him to let me leave. 

J stayed. He stayed at his Parents. I went home alone. He came home an hour later. When we sat down to talk as we naturally would, he started to defend them. Saying "well maybe you need to interpret SFIL words differently" and something to the effect of "Well I didn't realize it was my obligation to defend you, you never told me I needed to do that" He did later apologize for saying those things and not defending me in the situation, but it's clear what he really thought.

Now, I don't doubt the J loves me, not at all. But he lacks emotional awareness and intelligence. Whereas I am overly empathetic but have been working on not letting my emotions control me. And I love J, he's my partner, my husband, and I thought my soul mate. But my question is this, can we really heal from this and move on? He won't cut ties with his family, and I don't really want him to because I'm not comfortable with him having to choose between me and them. However, it seems that he would choose them. He basically said he would prefer that things just go back to normal. Basically me just pretending none of this ever happened and to let everything go. To just be a quiet little mouse. 

So can we really heal? I feel so betrayed by all of this, and I don't know what to do from here. I love my husband, I don't want us to seperate, but I have had enough emotional hurt in my life and am at a point where I just want to protect myself. Other than "give it time" does anyone have any advice? Has anyone been in a similar situation? I would love to hear from you.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

PittieLover25 said:


> I feel so betrayed by all of this, and I don't know what to do from here. I love my husband, I don't want us to seperate, but I have had enough emotional hurt in my life and am at a point where I just want to protect myself. Other than "give it time" does anyone have any advice? Has anyone been in a similar situation? I would love to hear from you.


I think "give it time" would be very bad advice. You need to sort this out sooner rather than later. 

Your H doesn't need to "cut ties" with his family but he needs to make it clear to them he doesn't want to listen to them berating you. He needs to set some boundaries. Otherwise no, it can't survive.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

You married into a trashy family. Your husband should step away from the trash heap and put you first. If he can't, he doesn't deserve you. Yes, he can still have contact with them, but he should have the guts to put them in their place and tell them to knock it off. YOU should be his top priority. Let him prove that _he's_ not trash.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I know that hindsight is always 20/20, but knowing the odds of this happening, I would have eloped to some scenic locale only with my hubby and got married there! 

You would have been far happier and only had the champagne that you and your husband would consume!

I think that you and hubby need to have a "Come to Jesus Meeting" over you going over to your in-laws, more especially whenever booze is so prevalent!*


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Well, you can equivocate about right and wrong here, but I sure as heck wouldn't want to socialize/hang out with a bunch of boozers. Your husband should have your back. However, you dated your husband three years before getting married. Didn't you see the dynamics at work in his family prior to marriage??? Because I don't think it's going to change now.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

So you scolded them on facebook and now you wonder why they don't like you?


Facebook
Facebook
Facebook

I'll never go on fakebook...


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

OP,
You have every right to cut drunks out of your life.

In my opinion, all a drunk deserves is a good throat punch maybe followed by a good stomping if they can still talk.

I despise a drunk with every fiber of my being. 

Sadly, this probably will not change for you. Can you set effective boundaries? You are going to need them.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

J is new at this I guess but he would need to learn quickly that he must put his wife first if his family are bashing her.
I suspect he will learn this soon enough, you sound like you know how to stand up for yourself and make your needs be known.
Tell him, the next time it happens

1, he can sleep at his parents
or 
2. You will never attend another event with or at his family's again. 

That will be a problem for him because if you have kids, it will have a huge impact on the grandparents.
They need to learn to have some respect and he needs to grow some backbone.

Do not back down on this one.


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## completely_inlove413 (Apr 8, 2018)

oh sweetie. my opinion is that when you are with someone -married to them-, the commitment is vital. it sounds like he hasn't grown up to see that when you are married you need to support your wife and be there for her in every way. when a man marrys a woman, she becomes his world. she is his everything. even to their own family, a man should defend their wife's honor. he should be respecting your discomfort with them and see that you are hurting because he's not being 100% there for you.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

As someone said, you dated this dude for a while and yet still married, I doubt they treated you any different but what done is done.

Pretty simple, seems the in-laws don't like you and your husband doesn't have the nuts to stand up to them. So unless you're planning to get a whole family to suddenly like you might be best to stop going over and getting treated like a third rate citizen.


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## jferg0212 (Mar 18, 2018)

Yes, your marriage can be saved. It starts with J and him putting you first before his family. He have to figure out which family is more important. They one that’s badly damaged and don’t respect him. ( Because if they’re disrespecting you they’re distracting him ) Or the family he’s trying to build with you. I have a similar dysfunctional family. When I met my wife I told her who to stay away from. When we started dating I asked her not to get to close to my family. By time we got married it was then my decision to love my family from a far. This was done to avoid any disrespect or negative energy I knew my family was capable of displaying. He is going to have to make that same choice. His natural instincts should be to defend you. No questions ask. That’s not even a thought it’s instinct. Present options for J on how he can slowly distance him self from this dysfunctional family. Once HE start doing that you will start to see the difference in your marriage. I understand that they are family and you don’t turn your back on family. However they’re need to be time away from them. A long period of time you ask me. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Welcome to the world of whacky inlaws! My inlaws are a nightmare and the reason I found TAM - my username stands for FRUStrated Daughter In Law, Frusdil.

This situation is not an inlaw problem, its a HUSBAND problem. Until HE lays it on the line with his parents, and tells them to knock this **** off, nothing will change.

Trust me. I know. Lol. I'm still waiting.

3 YEARS ago, my SIL scolded me through a FB PM, copied to my husband (as if she thought I would "get in trouble", oh ***** please lol). It was over something I'd posted, that she took offence to (it was a positive post, and very generic). I told her to pull her head in, that it's not her business what I post. She then emails my husband with insinuations about me, I respond and lay it all out on the line. Had it stayed between the 3 of us we would have resolved it fairly quickly but no, she's so enmeshed with her parents (it's sad), she had to drag them into it too. I actually felt sorry for them, that was so unfair and my poor husband was a deer in headlights. That was 3 years ago.

Inlaw drama is a dime a dozen. You have to just rise above it, and if your husband won't have your back, don't see them. My husband has seen his parents may twice, three times in the last 3 years. He's decided its just not worth the stress it puts on our marriage. It feels like an enormous betrayal to me, when he willingly goes and spends time with people who hate my guts, it hurts terribly.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

chillymorn69 said:


> So you scolded them on facebook and now you wonder why they don't like you?
> 
> 
> Facebook
> ...


I agree with this.
They are jerks.

You jerked their chain.
Along with the jerked chain, came the junkyard dog, the junkyard Uncle Ben.

And he bites, he smells of licked balls and booze.

Avoid them, keep quiet, do not prod, poke the bears. Bare ass fools.


TRQ-


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

IMO, there is fault all around. 

You had a right to a dry wedding, and you had a right to expect that your in laws would not take over the event with their drunken shenanigans.

Your husband, as another writer said, is new at this. He should have made it clear to his family that you have recovery issues in your family and a dry wedding was a choice for BOTH of you. He should have intervened when the uncle went on and on. He should not have let you go home without him.

You should not have taken your grievances to facebook, and IMO you need to apologize for that. 

Your in laws....you are not going to change them and it sounds like they are circling wagons.

Let things cool and work on your husband. He has to understand that you are his family. You have to agree on how it will go and what your joint limits are before you go to any event with his family and what you will both do if lines are crossed. He hasn't gotten the concept. Get this fixed before you have kids with this man and his family.

It took my husband 25 years and I went through very similar things. We have now been married 30 years and his father just died. Holy moses.....nearly every day he says "I can't believe I let him...." and it's followed by things I would fight for all those years....his family putting him down, the constant slights from his family, the criticism, the gossip, our children being second class citizens because I was their mother....ugh.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Oh, pity lover.

I had this issue when first married. I came from a family of happy drunks. 
Drunks can be fun, but they also can be crude and rude. 

On this, I was the classic nice guy. Hated to make waves. I do/did have a bad temper when pushed.

My family did not like my wife. She was sophisticated, proper and had thin skin.

My solution was not to visit my folks and relatives. We were are always busy.

Actually, we 'were' always busy.
..................................................................................................

Let him visit his folks, alone. Do not tag along, let them, these bores, tag team him, not Thou.

..................................................................................................

The good in this:

Now, as I see it, you can have a husband that takes no stuff, no snuff, no guff from anyone.
A real hard ass. 

But, this is the guy you will go through life with. Likely, a thick skin boar, or bore.

It is better to have a sensitive guy, an emphatic guy than a bar of iron as a mate.
There are some trade-offs, as you know, as you see.

Be happy that you have a nice guy. I presume he is good in 'other' respects.



TRQ- taken from the notes of The Host.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I think he didn’t stand up for you because he agrees with them. Give them one more chance. If they are the least bit ugly, leave and don’t go back. If your husband gets ticked tell him you will be more than fine without him. People think there is only one love for them. The world is full of people to love and love better than the one your with.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Probably not, but not because of the wedding because your husband is a puss. 

Get it, weak beta boy, I will bet you even let him have sex with your once a month if he is good. 

Sugar, you got what you got. And might I say, you may want to loosen the F*** up, and re f****** relax. 

What you have her is an entitled little princess with "several" family members in "recovery" which mean most of them are still drinking or drugging because they are in "recovery". However, you just fell the need to be all upset by the honest drunks in his family. I mean, have a drink and chill out. 

Next, since you are a princess, you are also conflict avoidant which mean the you are too weak to stand up for yourself and you just leave instead of telling his uncle to f off. 

See how that works? Did you meet his family before you married? And you thought they would not drink at his wedding? Hey, how about growing up, both you and your H. 

Now for your little beta boy husband. What he should have done, was this:

"Uncle, that is enough, don't let me tell you again." Uncle says one more word and the next thing you hear is beta boy punching uncle in the face. 

That is how it should have been handled. But beta boy is a "Nice Guy" and he would not do that. Yeah, but it is what he should have done. 

So you have a choice, stay away from his family forever, which will not work. Or, get back in the ring and stand up for yourself. 

But overall, you need to relax and get real and your H needs to grow a pair, or you can just divorce now. 

What do you decide?


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Yah, i agree with @BluesPower. Dry weddings suck... its no fair for the people that want to drink and have a good time... but a wet wedding isn't fair for people with low control and discipline. 

I feel bad for you, but I have a cousin married to someone and everything you said reminds me of her. She comes over and makes no attempt to say hello to everyone. She just sits in the corner and makes no attempt to talk or get to know anyone. Overall its just extremely unfriendly... and i wonder if she is putting a post somewhere about how all of her in-laws hate her...

Ask your husband how he feels about all the points his uncle brought up. 
Maybe you actually have some interpersonal skills that you can work on... things that you dont even realize you do.

Or maybe him and his whole family is crazy and you need to move on.


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