# My marriage is in deep trouble please helps me



## MARK23 (Jan 8, 2010)

I wasted my time on chatting and browsing on the internet I neglected our marriage. Now I realized what I was doing is wrong but I never met anybody or tried to set up a relationship. I am willing to give up anything that could make our marriage better and willing to seek help and advice no matter what.
My wife left me 5 weeks ago I have 2 boys 11 and 4 and one girl 9. I love my wife more than anyone can think of. She saying it is over it is finished you should accept that.
I am doing counseling and life couching and seeking every help and advice I can think of.
My wife agreed to do counseling (relationship counseling) but she said what they want me to talk about she was hesitating. I would do what it takes to win my wife back. She moved out to her mum and dad's house stayed with them for 3 weeks but I wanted her to come back to our house so I moved out of the house to give her the space and time she need just to make it easy for her and the kids because her mum and dad and the whole family want her to divorce and keep nagging her all the time. 2 weeks ago she moved back to our house after I found new place to live in. 
we have been talking in the last 10 days was good. Two days ago we went counseling together.
The counselor asked her why are you here she said because (I) asked her to come and she started her story and she said she made her decision leaving the marriage. She said if she comes back to me her family and her friends would think she is an idiot. I asked the counselor if we can schedule time and meet each other once a week she said I can’t at the moment. Then she said show me your actions first but dont have expectations. Also she said I don’t want you to send me flowers or gifts or letters that makes me under pressure and angry and it shows that you trying to hunt me.
I promised her I won’t send her any of that. 
My question is to you all is there hope she would change her mind I am doing all I can not to put her under pressure or make her angry. I found new job I even cut the internet (I am writing from a friend’s house). When she said show me actions I thought there is still hope otherwise why she would say that. And she said she feels happy when I go around the house as long as I don’t talk about the relationship.
She agreed to keep doing counseling.
yesterday she said she told her parents that we are doing counseling and they got angry but told them that she is doing not to get together but to have happy separation.
I asked her today if she can come with me and have dinner or lunch together she said yes.
(after posting this letter ) she changed her mind didnt want to go out with me even though i told her that we wont talk about the realationship. she said it is better to do counselling at this stage so we dont fight. but i am not fighting with her. should i give up and sell our house and move on? if she is doing for counselling just to have happy separetion i am not interested in that because there is no such happy separetion.

Please tell me what all of this mean. What should I do?
We live in Melbourne Australia


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

Honestly, I would leave her be. Give her space.
Keep doing all the great work on yourself.
Continue the counseling with her, only if she actually does the work.
There are so many similar stories. Read through the threads. There is some great advice and even better people that have battled the same demons.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Mark, 
there are some good signs here - 
it is early days for you guys 
try and take a back seat and let your w 'come back to you'
the fact that you are doing counselling and that you are still talking is great.
try reading through the threads like Wren said
you can see how things develop
don't pressure her at this stage
look after yourself 
be strong and clear but not pushy at all
show her that you respect her decision and that you respect her 
let us know how it goes


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## findingpeace (Mar 14, 2009)

My advice to you is give your wife space and look confident and dont look needy sometimes when we move away from our partner it seems to draw them to want to move towards you, give that a try go out wit hyour friends and just try to enjoy life me and my wife have been seperated for a year now and are still working on things it could work it may not just give it time and see what happens


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## MARK23 (Jan 8, 2010)

Thank you fnding peace.


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## MARK23 (Jan 8, 2010)

Thank you Knortho. You really made me happy by saying "there are some good signs here"
We’ll have our second counselling session on Monday and she agreed to keep going regardless her reason. I said to her I will not talk about the relationship at this stage only at the counsellor’s office because she cries every time we talk about it. Every day she changes her mind 2 days ago she agreed to go out for lunch with me today she said maybe better we do counselling first so we don’t fight. I said to whatever you comfortable with it is fine with me but if you want to talk anytime I am free to talk.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Just take it slow Mark23, she isn't shutting you out completely, you are still spending some together. Just enjoy that for now and in time she may actually be the one who asks you to spend time together, she needs time to figure out what she actually wants, work on yourself, make the changes and she will see if for herself....
good luck


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

What were her actual specific complaints? Why did she say she was moving out?


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## MARK23 (Jan 8, 2010)

Jessi thank you. do you think there is still hope? is it normal she that doesnt want to go out with me or doesnt want me around her?


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## MARK23 (Jan 8, 2010)

Jessi thank you. do you think there is still hope? is it normal that she doesnt want to go out with me or doesnt want me around her at his stage?


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## MARK23 (Jan 8, 2010)

please help me guys please


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

what sort of help do you want?
I thought things were looking up for you..
vent away, 
what is anger, despair..??


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## MARK23 (Jan 8, 2010)

i am not feeling well i dont know what to expect.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

That's normal - you don't know what to expect right now
it is an uncomfortable place to be.
You are giving her space.
This is the right thing to do now \, 
You just have to listen to her for now.
Keep yourself busy with friends, family. 
Do some exercise - go out.
Although you are 'waiting' don't live your life like that 
keep on going 
try to explain how you are feeling what you are going through 
that way we can give you some more thoughts...


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## MARK23 (Jan 8, 2010)

Today my wife and I went for our second session of counselling I have to say it was a lot better than the first one. This time she didn’t say anything about her decision leaving or staying. I was very honest and very open with every answer. She said that she is still angry and can’t go out with me for coffee. also she said that she is confused what to do because there is still brick wall of anger in her head she just want time. We meant to have counselling every fortnight but she said it is ok we can have it every week.
I think that was a lot better than last week. I will keep working on it forever and I am really willing to what it takes and that is for good. 

I want your opinion ladies and gentlemen
Thank you


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

This is all good 
very good 
sounds like you are both being honest..
stay positive
keep onworking on yourself 
give her time to come back to you


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## MARK23 (Jan 8, 2010)

is it normal at this stage my wife doesnt want to have anything to do with me?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Yep, Mark, totally normal.


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## MARK23 (Jan 8, 2010)

sisterrs359 Thank you very much i just need to know that.


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## MARK23 (Jan 8, 2010)

i just wonder is there hope that my wife will come back to me?
is it good that she is willing to keep doing counselling with me regardless her reason? she told me that i should see psychologist because that would help me. i will see psychologist this friday.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

I think it is a great sign that you two are going to continue counseling. Just remember Mark at this point focus on yourself, and things that you can do better. Another things, you may not always get the answers you want but the answers you need. Hang in their Mark whatever the outcome you will be a stronger person for it.


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## MARK23 (Jan 8, 2010)

Ash22 thank you very much. at the moment i am feel empty will see what will happen in the near future.


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## MARK23 (Jan 8, 2010)

I cant find the thread “the dominant man” can anybody please send me the link 
Thank you very much.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Mark,
Why did she move out - you mentioned that you were spending too much time on the internet/ignoring wife/kids. Is that the only reason she left you? 

Were you working? Were you financially supporting the family? 

Why does the rest of her family want her to leave you?






MARK23 said:


> I cant find the thread “the dominant man” can anybody please send me the link
> Thank you very much.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

The dominant man thread is for when your wife is bored and you are too nice. You don't seem to have that problem. Your wife is angry not bored. 

Trust me on this - any man who says there is no such thing as an amicable separation does NOT need more alpha - he needs more beta. 

I think you need to add beta - NOT alpha. 

By the way - man to man. If I were your wife and you ever said to me "there is no such thing as an amicable separation" we would immediately and permanently be done. Because it reflects a lack of willingness to accept the consequences of YOUR mistakes. And that is a posture that does not predict a successful reconciliation. 






MARK23 said:


> I cant find the thread “the dominant man” can anybody please send me the link
> Thank you very much.


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## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

Good news Mark! She sounds like she's softening for sure. 

It's interesting that she feels like her family will disapprove if she gets back together with you. That's probably a lot of pressure for her. But unfortunately, there's not a lot you can do about that (don't know the history behind their disapproval). 

Work on yourself and the positive, dedicated changes you're making. You sound very determined, and that's a great thing! Keep at the counseling and don't give up on your marriage or yourself.


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## MARK23 (Jan 8, 2010)

MEM11363 and Alexandera thank you very much. yes that is the reason she left me i was chatteing to girls it was big mistake. i am willing to do what it takes to make our marriage happy. 
i know she is angry not bored. i respect her decision to separate. i am working and my money is her money i love our kids they are my heart. what BETA do i need add please explain i need the help and advice. I accept the consequences of MY mistakes i made it to her very clear.
i've spoken to a counselor in the USA i explaind to him everything he said My interpretation of her comments is as follows: 
Your wife has take all that you've done wrong in the marriage and compartmentalized it. She's created a "marriage box" and put all of her marriage related thoughts and feelings into that box, and put a lid on it. That means that she can see you and talk to you under normal circumstances and not have to deal with all of the emotions she has around the marriage (because she'd not opening the "marriage box"). So when you pick up or drop off the kids and have coffee and talk about normal stuff, she can just see you as Mark - the father of her kids or someone that she knows socially.
She only wants to deal with the marriage on a very limited basis. If you guys were to go out somewhere socially - on a date or even out to get coffee, then that would seem romantic and remind her of the marriage and bring her back to all of the emotions that she'd really rather not deal with on a regular basis. If you guys did something social, she'd have to open the "marriage box" and then become flooded by all of the stuff that is too overwhelming for her to deal with on a regular basis.By talking about the marriage only during the counseling sessions, she's able to work through her thoughts and emotions in what she sees a very healthy environment for doing so. She also limiting how much of her life is being run over by the negativity she associates with the marriage. 
Because she has yet to REALLY begin to process all of her thoughts and emotions, she doesn't want to give you the impression that reconciliation will surely happen. She's hoping for time and space to work through her stuff, and slowly and naturally reach a decision about whether she wants to try to save the marriage. My guess is that whether consciously or subconsciously she's realized that everything is just too new and her emotions are still too raw. She recognizes that she needs time and perspective.
At this point the door is neither open nor closed. The two of you are in a holding pattern until she can begin to truly sort through her thoughts and feelings. For you this is neither good nor bad news. It could be worse, she could have just said that she wants nothing to do with you romantically ever again. She has not said that. On the other hand however, she could arrive at a place where she realizes that she cannot get beyond the hurt and wants the marriage to end. That is a real possibility. That decision has not happened yet, and may not happen.

what do you think everybody about this?


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## MARK23 (Jan 8, 2010)

My wife still doesnt want to talk about the realationship in btween counselling. but we are still doing counselling. she is worried that her parents would find out she is talking to me or does anything with me and the kids, because they only wants her to "D" me no other way. i dont know what to do. please talk to me.


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## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

I'm sorry that you are going thru this-from what you've said, it seems like you two are still in love with each other. And it looks like you are doing all that you can to get your marriage back on track. I would keep up what you're doing, plus give her some space and some time. 
How are your kids dealing with this?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She will need to address her need to please her parents, at some point. She is an adult; sometime, she has to break away from them and live life on her terms. That said, what can YOU do to get them to like you? You don't want her to have to choose between the two of you.

For your marriage, go to marriagebuilders.com and print out the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires. Ask her to fill them out. Read them, and start working on not Love Busting her and also on meeting her top Emotional Needs. If you can do these things (and she doesn't even have to know you're doing it), you will start to seem like the perfect choice.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Keep up this pace and pressure, and you _reduce_ the odds of her wanting to reconcile.

You have now dodged the question twice. I'm really curious if you will avoid it a third time.

You are steadfastly focused on what she is or isn't doing, but make only passing remarks about your responsibility in what obviously angered her enough to leave with your children.

Porn? Webcams? Live sex chat? Online dating or hook-up sites, what was it? Did you cheat on her? I'm sorry, "chatted online with girls" sounds a bit pedestrian in light of the action she took and the response of her friends and family. I'm guessing there is a history here that you aren't letting on about. If you aren't coming across as open and transparent to a bunch of people on a forum, I can only imagine that your wife isn't buying it either.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

This may sound harsh, but you need to hear it: you sound like a desperately needy little boy who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Quit worrying about what SHE will decide and take responsibility for yourself and your kids. Focus on developing the self-esteem you lack, so you won't need some online (or real life) chickie telling you that you are hot to make you feel good about yourself. If you sound half as desperate to your wife, she is going to figure out you are afraid of losing her--as in, you are chicken to be dumped, not that you love her for who she is and that she is all you will ever want. 

Lots of hard work for you ahead. Focus your energy on that and you stand a good chance of being happy, no matter what happens in your marriage.


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## Enough!!! (Feb 1, 2010)

You say you spent time "chatting" on the internet... With whom!
Having said that, there is something fishy. From what you have said, and my own personal circumstances, you haven't done anything that bad. What's the go with the family. What has she said that makes them react to you like that.
You need to be you, if your heart tells you to express you love with flowers, then send her flowers. If she doesn't want or appreciate them, then send them too me... I will love them.
The way I see it, you have nothing to loose. ALL women love to be shown affection.
Soldier On!!!


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