# Couldn't wait for real evidence



## SweaterSoup (May 14, 2012)

Hi everyone,

I've been a lurker for a couple of weeks and have to post for support and to vent.

I don't have evidence that my wife cheated on me but based on what I've seen around here the past couple weeks, you guys would be saying run. Unfortunately, with 15 years invested and three kids involved and financial constraints, I can't/won't.

I had hoped to lay low until I could get more information/evidence about a relationship she was kindling on Facebook but I had to lay everything out there today because it was just eating away at me so bad and causing other arguments to get way out of hand. While I was somewhat unprepared and not dealing with a full-blown D-Day, I am so glad I discovered this site and recommendations on how to handle this situation.

I laid everything out to her today and the multiple reasons why I question her faithfulness. I was much calmer compared to Saturday when I lost my cool about something stupid (which made for a fun Mother's Day). She's basically unhappy and wants out but can't pull the trigger. I told her that the ball is in her court. I want to live happily ever-after but if she is not on board, then she just needs to go before she really crosses the line. 

She was relatively calm and understood that it was all in her court. She told me that she loved me and has never cheated on me, but that she needs to figure out what she wants to do. I told her that her words currently mean nothing and her actions will have to speak for her.

Against my better judgement, I have exposed her/ reached out to three other groups (her sisters, her best local friends, and her best long-distance, long-term friend) to let them know what is going on and to help her figure things out.

As far as OM are concerned, one's a former high school fling and now a player that she reconnected with on Facebook within the past month. The other is the father of one of my son's best friends. No real evidence other than what I saw, but not really something I wanted to out as it would cause lots of issues.

I'm not perfect. I work hard and try to provide well for my family. She called me on some of my Facebook exes two years ago (even though those conversations were "How have you been? I see you have friends." and not "If you hadn't been with so-and-so we wouldn've hooked up in high school. I see you're single and a player, will you be at the reunion?"). Initially I didn't like it, but decided that if it was an issue for her, then it was obviously an issue for me. So I got rid of anyone that was a threat for her. She made it very clear that what I did was unacceptable but here we are with the shoe on the other foot.

Initially she was calm but now that her various sisters and friends are reaching out to her due to my exposure, she is pissed about me taking it public. I'm pretty private so not very happy about having to do it myself, but went with what was recommended here. Especially since confronted her on some stuff several months ago doesn't seem to have changed things.

Anyway, not sure where we are going. I would be happy to R and stay married if things would stabilize a little on her end. On the flip side, while D would be hard, it would be nice to be in a more stable environment and not having to guess what kind of crazy I'm going to have to deal with from one moment to the next.

Thanks!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Well now you`re in limboland.

Had you taken the time to gather some actual face slapping evidence you`d either be in control of your marriage or on your way to divorce.
Either is preferable to limboland.

So now that I`ve gotten the WTF? out of the way...

You still need evidence.

What have you seen? (exactly) 
Where have you seen it?
Can you access it again?
Do you have any snooping measures in place?

You do know now she`s alerted if she was up to no good it`ll be a serious difficulty getting to any evidence now.
It`ll go underground.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Unlike many others here, I say you need to stop and take stock of your marriage -- what is wrong and what is right. Address that with her. Diverting things with accusations of affairs that may or may not have happened is off point at this time. Address your specific, concrete concerns with the relationship.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Don't beat your self up, it happens. You do however have this going for you and that is she is pissed, you have made this EA inconvienent and uncomfortable. So you do have that.

Your next step is to stay vigalent and continue your investigation. Has she tried contacting either of the 2 OM?

If she has then you need to up you approach and get tougher on your conseguences if she continues. That kids dad thing would be the most concerning. Get the VAR and GPS.

One more concerning issue is her response in not being all in the marriage and she is thinking twice about it. Your reply was weak IMO. You need to print out some legal forms that related to child custody and division of assest. The point here is she doesn't really see what she is about to loss hence her responces.

For what its worth I only heard how calm you were, but not how firm you were, or confident in moving on with out her. It appeared to me that you chased and she had the power to decide about the marriage...You need a shift in power by being confident in letting her go.

You really need to show her the reality of her unhealth choices with regards to *her* marriage.... a scare tactic that make her face the reality of a broken home.

See she is still in the fog....


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## SweaterSoup (May 14, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Well now you`re in limboland.
> 
> Had you taken the time to gather some actual face slapping evidence you`d either be in control of your marriage or on your way to divorce.
> Either is preferable to limboland.
> ...


I had to go with what I had. Some of the stuff I'm seeing on FB is very out of bounds conversations regarding the past and an upcoming high school reunion in July. I can't sit on it until then. I have those chat logs.

I have full access to all of her accounts. I'm an IT guy and there is mutual trust with passwords. In addition, the Find My iPhone app works well as a GPS when I need to find out where she is.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

GPS=check
VAR=????????(get at least 2)

Are you going with her to her reunion?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

SweaterSoup said:


> I had to go with what I had. Some of the stuff I'm seeing on FB is very out of bounds conversations regarding the past and an upcoming high school reunion in July. I can't sit on it until then. I have those chat logs.


Well for starters she`s not going to that reunion.
You do know that`s a boundary correct?
If she simply "must go" then you simply "must escort her" or it`s a deal breaker.

What does she have to say about the level of inappropriate conversation in the chat logs you`ve shown her?
She should be fearful, and remorseful, and compliant, or you`re probably in for a bad time.



> I have full access to all of her accounts. I'm an IT guy and there is mutual trust with passwords. In addition, the Find My iPhone app works well as a GPS when I need to find out where she is.


So I assume there`s nothing improper going on through any other outlet?
Just the Facebook chat logs?

Get a VAR.


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## SweaterSoup (May 14, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Unlike many others here, I say you need to stop and take stock of your marriage -- what is wrong and what is right. Address that with her. Diverting things with accusations of affairs that may or may not have happened is off point at this time. Address your specific, concrete concerns with the relationship.


This is the hardest part. We've already made it well past where most people in our situation would ever get: met in a bar, dated, separated, got back together, found out she was pregnant, got married, Catholic vs. not-Catholic, extrovert vs. introvert, etc. Basically a classic case of opposites attract but then they attack. 

We have similar ideals for raising our kids but it seems like her biggest hang up is always about not getting what she wants (bigger house, nicer cars, better vacations, etc.) and she's pretty pissed that I can't provide it. Never mind that she is a SAHM which while hard, isn't too hard when the kids are in school until 3pm everyday. I want those same things too and I still have to work all day, every day and then go home and hear about how useless I am while they run around and do fun stuff.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Download the fchat program. You might be able to see the chats. Be aware that two of the biggest tools they use are the secret email account and secret phone. Also be aware of the possibility of a secret facebook account. If there is something going on then they will take it underground now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SweaterSoup (May 14, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Well for starters she`s not going to that reunion.
> You do know that`s a boundary correct?
> If she simply "must go" then you simply "must escort her" or it`s a deal breaker.


Yes, that is going to be a boundary if she decides to stay and R. These reunions have never gone over well with me. The 20th reunion several years ago was a big red flag but I moved on and just kind of hoped I wouldn't have to deal with it until a 30th. Unfortunately she is hopping aboard the reunion bandwagon with the classes before and after hers and is constantly trying to go back or attend mini-reunions in our current town.



tacoma said:


> What does she have to say about the level of inappropriate conversation in the chat logs you`ve shown her?
> She should be fearful, and remorseful, and compliant, or you`re probably in for a bad time.


I didn't ask her for feedback but made it very clear that it was way over the line and much, much worse than what I ever did. I basically confronted her with everything and then went back to work. Told her to think about what she wanted to do. She was upset but not fighting back.

I tend to go crazy over-the-top (yelling and posturing) when my button gets pushed but also have calm, you-just-messed-up tone that I was able to call upon.



tacoma said:


> So I assume there`s nothing improper going on through any other outlet?
> Just the Facebook chat logs?
> 
> Get a VAR.


Not that I can tell. I haven't seen anything online or on her phone. There was some inappropriate contact with someone that I've called her on, but I don't know if that has escalated outside of drunken stupidity.

The thing is my wife is a professional hand-raiser and social butterfly. I have given her lots of leeway to be herself and to have an outlet. This includes lots of GNOs, outings after PTA/Band/whatever meetings, etc. I've never questioned any of it because I know who she is with (and it usually works out in my favor when she gets home  ).


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Taking stock in your marrage is great, but until Om or OM's are out of the picture you are in a lost battle.
Of course you get sh*t on everytime you coem home, its easier to have an affair if you can justify it.

Stop beating your self up and stop getting gaslighted by your WW. You work your butt off and provide and your WW wants more. She has intitlement issues and most likely feels entitled to have a lover.

I really believe you have only caught the tip of the iceberge. You can however regroup and as your WW goes deeper underground you will have to get stealthier.

All of this is simply comes from the response your wife had when you 1st confronted. Like many here there are often more then one confrontations. Cheating is way to addicting and I'm telling you until OM is out of the picture completely, you are in a losing battle.

You still have a long way to go before your WW is scared enough to stop her behavior and work on her marriage, and only then can the *BOTH* of you take stock in the M.....

Dude I'll tell you again your chick needs to see some real consequences. As soon as you get the smoking gun will she start taking her own stock in the M and start realizing what she is about to lose if she continues.


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## SweaterSoup (May 14, 2012)

the guy said:


> GPS=check
> VAR=????????(get at least 2)
> 
> Are you going with her to her reunion?


I have no desire to go. As another person responded, not going to the reunion is part of the boundary should she choose to stay.


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## SweaterSoup (May 14, 2012)

SweaterSoup said:


> I had hoped to lay low until I could get more information/evidence about a relationship she was kindling on Facebook but I had to lay everything out there today because it was just eating away at me so bad and causing other arguments to get way out of hand. While I was somewhat unprepared and not dealing with a full-blown D-Day, I am so glad I discovered this site and recommendations on how to handle this situation.


One of the craziest things that I learned here was about the hysterical bonding. That happened when I confronted her several months ago about the first person (her bonding back to me). Then when I ran across this new stuff two weeks ago, it was me bonding with her when I initially found out. Such a crazy phenomenon.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

SweaterSoup said:


> This is the hardest part. We've already made it well past where most people in our situation would ever get: met in a bar, dated, separated, got back together, found out she was pregnant, got married, Catholic vs. not-Catholic, extrovert vs. introvert, etc. Basically a classic case of opposites attract but then they attack.
> 
> We have similar ideals for raising our kids but it seems like her biggest hang up is always about *not getting what she wants* (bigger house, nicer cars, better vacations, etc.) and she's pretty pissed that I can't provide it. Never mind that she is a SAHM which while hard, isn't too hard when the kids are in school until 3pm everyday. I want those same things too and *I still have to work all day, every day and then go home and hear about how useless I am while they run around and do fun stuff.*


Not getting what she wants. That is a red flag to me. You think it is only a bigger house, nice cars, expensive vacations, but that attitude can extend to a more romantic, exciting lover. 

You say you are an IT guy and she is a SAHM. Drop a key logger on all computer in the house and get a couple of VARs. One for her car and one or more for any room you think she might go to for a private conversation.

The thing about telling you how useless you are - did she use those words? It shows a complete lack of respect for you as a husband and a father. If she does not respect you as a man, she may be looking for someone else.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

SweaterSoup said:


> hand-raiser and social butterfly. I have given her lots of leeway to be herself and to have an outlet. This includes lots of GNOs, outings after PTA/Band/whatever meetings, etc. I've never questioned any of it because I know who she is with (and it usually works out in my favor when she gets home  ).


Ok well you seem to have a handle on it.

Sit her down, set your boundaries, firmly, then have that discussion lamaga was mentioning about in his first post to this thread.

Generally maybe man up just a tad, a little more assertive with your expectations of her and such.

Keep an eye on her to make sure she doesn`t cross those boundaries for awhile.


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## SweaterSoup (May 14, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> You say you are an IT guy and she is a SAHM. Drop a key logger on all computer in the house and get a couple of VARs. One for her car and one or more for any room you think she might go to for a private conversation.


I'll definitely follow through on the keylogger. I'd have to outsource reviewing the VAR if I got one or more. If she is not talking on the phone to a sister or friend, she's on the computer with Netflix in the background. Basically I'd end up with 8+ hours that I'd have to review.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

The next time she calls you useless, you look her in the eye and tell her to get the hell out of your house an find someone who is more to her standards. tell her there are plenty of useless holes like her out there that you can dump one in an not have to hear disrespect like that in your own house.


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