# Heartbroken 💔



## leahlately (8 mo ago)

Hi, I'm new here. I've been married for 20 years this year and I'm at a crossroads on whether I should stay or go.
Two months ago I found out my husband has been visiting strip clubs. I have always expressed my feelings on strip clubs and had been very clear on not wanting him to visit. 
The last time he visited he spent $600 in the span of three hours. 
This tells me he didn't just sit and watched with his hands in his pocket.
I confronted him, and got an apology which honestly I feel is half assed because he didn't confess, he instead got caught. He won't tell me what happened. He also doesn't think it's cheating because he didn't have sex with anyone.
On top of that he's always gone out with his friends 2-3 times a week, usually from 8-1am. He is still continuing this behavior and says this has nothing to do with the strip club situation.
Lastly, two days ago I read his messages and he asked his group of friends: 'do we get prostitutes, drinks, or what?'
One of his friends has an open marriage where they use prostitutes often. The other friend has been known to cheat on his partners.
My husband has always been so adamant about paying for sex being sad and pathetic. So I know if I confront him he's going to deny it or say it was a joke. But I have a feeling for him to ask that so nonchalantly, he's probably already paid for it before. 
I mean it's only a matter of time that when you run with wolves, you learn how to howl.
Do I just pull the plug even though I don't have concrete evidence he's actually been with a prostitute? Honestly the whole strip club situation alone is a betrayal of trust and respect for me. 
I'm in disbelief he would jeopardize 20 years of work. 20 years! 😞


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

leahlately said:


> Hi, I'm new here. I've been married for 20 years this year and I'm at a crossroads on whether I should stay or go.
> Two months ago I found out my husband has been visiting strip clubs. I have always expressed my feelings on strip clubs and had been very clear on not wanting him to visit.
> The last time he visited he spent $600 in the span of three hours.
> This tells me he didn't just sit and watched with his hands in his pocket.
> ...


You may have to have him take a polygraph. His behavior could be very dangerous to your health.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

leahlately said:


> Hi, I'm new here. I've been married for 20 years this year and I'm at a crossroads on whether I should stay or go.
> Two months ago I found out my husband has been visiting strip clubs. I have always expressed my feelings on strip clubs and had been very clear on not wanting him to visit.
> The last time he visited he spent $600 in the span of three hours.
> This tells me he didn't just sit and watched with his hands in his pocket.
> ...


You don't have to have any 'concrete' evidence. It is obvious from what you have described he has no respect for you and probably screws other women specifically prostitutes. In addition, he doesn't really act married being out 3 times a week from 8 pm - 1 am.

So the question is what do you want to do. From you description he has no plans of changing and continues to ignore your concerns.

Personally I never would have put up with the going out til all hours of the night to begin with but you did. So you have to decide what are your limits. I agree with you on strip clubs and spending $600 on strip clubs.... ummm just no.

I wouldn't divorce my husband if someone's bachelor party went to one and he went. I'd be furious if he spent $600 at one. For the record, he wouldn't go even for a bachelor party but was just trying to think the one time.... But yours isn't once is it and he's discussing getting prostitutes so even if he didn't that night he thinks it's normal behavior.

So what do you want to do? I wouldn't waste one more moment on him. I'd get a lawyer and file for divorce. I probably wouldn't even tell him until the papers are served. You told him what he was doing is unacceptable and before you ever see a lawyer he'll be back out with is morally bankrupt friends.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

@leahlately 
I'm sorry you're dealing with this, but he's off the rails. Has he always had those friends, or were they a recent addition? In any case, he doesn't sound remorseful, he sounds like he expects you to put up and shut up. 

You've already told him how you feel, and he doesn't care. Time to decide if this is your life now, or file. If he wanted to change he would, he's happy now.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Get tested for STDs and file for divorce. I’m so sorry. I know you’re heartbroken. Understand that this is HIM not you. He lied to you and is using you. Get out before you waste another second on him.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I agree with the others, get out now. He's making choices that are unhealthy for him and really bad for your marriage. It's unfortunate, but at this point, he doesn't seem willing to change.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

leahlately said:


> Hi, I'm new here. I've been married for 20 years this year and I'm at a crossroads on whether I should stay or go.
> Two months ago I found out my husband has been visiting strip clubs. I have always expressed my feelings on strip clubs and had been very clear on not wanting him to visit.
> The last time he visited he spent $600 in the span of three hours.
> This tells me he didn't just sit and watched with his hands in his pocket.
> ...


Well looks like your husband meets his own definition of pathetic. Spending $600 at a strip club is basically paying for sex even if he kept his hands to himself  And I'm sure he will have some lame excuse for the 'do we get prostitutes, drinks, or what?' comment. I'm sure he will say it was just a joke, but... it isn't. It seems pretty obvious he is wh0ring around.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

leahlately said:


> Hi, I'm new here. I've been married for 20 years this year and I'm at a crossroads on whether I should stay or go.
> Two months ago I found out my husband has been visiting strip clubs. I have always expressed my feelings on strip clubs and had been very clear on not wanting him to visit.
> The last time he visited he spent $600 in the span of three hours.
> This tells me he didn't just sit and watched with his hands in his pocket.
> ...


Of course, they're paying prostitutes they're getting at the strip club. Of course it's cheating, and it's cheating whether he put his penis in one or not. It's reprehensible that the takeaway from a 20-year marriage and family is how having sex with prostitutes is important enough to him to risk his marriage.

Your husband doesn't want to be married or respect the institution of marriage OR you. He's probably been doing this for years if not decades. I'll wager he will gaslight and find some way to blame it on you. 

It might benefit you to read an article from Psychology Today I posted this week. It's under "Counseling and professional Help," and then under thread "Articles." It's called "Tactics of Psychological Manipulators." You should read it so you'll see what he's doing when he does it. 

Meanwhile, just keep your boundaries. Remember, you're the ethical one here, so you have boundaries and don't budge on them.

By the way, I'm very sorry for your heartbreak. I'm going through this with my best friend right now, leaving a 23-year-marriage. It wasn't because of strip clubs, but coincidentally, he did used to frequent them, which she graciously overlooked. He was willing to abandon his troubled daughter rather than go to family counseling, so selfish and narcissistic. He will never find another woman who will put up with him. She is so altruistic she gives people the benefit of the doubt and excused a lot of things. It really hurts to find out none of that is returned.


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## leahlately (8 mo ago)

I would LOVE for our marriage to be healed and restored but I know people need to want to change. I know since he doesn't, this isn't possible. 
I allowed the going out believing that he wouldn't do anything sketchy, I obviously trusted way too much.
These are friends of over fifteen years but their lifestyle choices have come to light in recent years. 
I know I should've restricted him from hanging out with them then, but again through things he would say to me about them, I just believed my husband was better than that. He's actually a 'follow the rules in every other aspect, always teaches our kids to do the right thing' kinda guy. So I trusted with everything I had. I obviously see now I've been so blind. 
What hurts too is we separated for a few months five months ago over something different and ever since we reconciled, things were really looking up. Like really good. Even up until 2020. 2021 is when I started seeing changes in our sex life and him being more distant. 
Sigh, I know divorce is what I have to do. It really crumbles me.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Well looks like your husband meets his own definition of pathetic. Spending $600 at a strip club is basically paying for sex even if he kept his hands to himself  And I'm sure he will have some lame excuse for the 'do we get prostitutes, drinks, or what?' comment. I'm sure he will say it was just a joke, but... it isn't. It seems pretty obvious he is wh0ring around.


Yeah, he could get sex cheaper than that and at least not squander the family money. So juvenile. He might be one of those who thinks one of them actually likes him and he has a shot at her. 😆😆😆😆😆


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, you were too trusting but that’s usually the case before you get cheated on. He’s probably one of those who doesn’t believe anything less than P-in-V is actually sex (lots of people think that because it allows them to believe “everything but” doesn’t really count. He’ll tell you it was nothing but if it crossed your line it is indeed something. And he’ll tell everyone you’re crazy to be upset but you definitely aren’t. Many women, and men, would divorce over that. You’ll have to decide what’s best for you. I was married to a serial cheater who got away with a lot because I was too trusting. Don’t be me.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Openminded said:


> Yes, you were too trusting but that’s usually the case before you get cheated on. He’s probably one of those who doesn’t believe anything less than P-in-V is actually sex (lots of people think that because it allows them to believe “everything but” doesn’t really count. He’ll tell you it was nothing but if it crossed your line it is indeed something. And he’ll tell everyone you’re crazy to be upset but you definitely aren’t. Many women, and men, would divorce over that. You’ll have to decide what’s best for you. I was married to a serial cheater who got away with a lot because I was too trusting. Don’t be me.


Well they believe that until their wive give a guy a blow job or even just a few sexy texts then they blow a gasket. But porn and strip clubs are ok. Lap dances are ok. Hookers are ok because there is no emotional attachment.....and the exxcuses go on.

Bottom line he's crossed your boundaries and he doesn't care.

you say you'd love to heal the relationship but also that he's been going out for 15 years.

So chances are he's been doing similar things for 15 years maybe some escalation lately . So are what you really saying is he needs to hide it better?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Openminded said:


> Yes, you were too trusting but that’s usually the case before you get cheated on. He’s probably one of those who doesn’t believe anything less than P-in-V is actually sex (lots of people think that because it allows them to believe “everything but” doesn’t really count. He’ll tell you it was nothing but if it crossed your line it is indeed something. And he’ll tell everyone you’re crazy to be upset but you definitely aren’t. Many women, and men, would divorce over that. You’ll have to decide what’s best for you. I was married to a serial cheater who got away with a lot because I was too trusting. Don’t be me.


Yeah, I guarantee you he wouldn't be okay if it was her doing it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You do have evidence in the message he sent his mates. Sadly it seems he has no moral values at all and has been cheating for a long time. 
I am sorry.😔


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

OP,

I fear, sadly, that you only know the tip of the iceberg.


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## DCMarriageCounselor (Aug 30, 2007)

leahlately said:


> I would LOVE for our marriage to be healed and restored but I know people need to want to change. I know since he doesn't, this isn't possible.....
> Sigh, I know divorce is what I have to do. It really crumbles me.


leahlately, I'm sorry to hear you're going through this right now. 

Can you say why you'd like things to be healed and restored? 

Also, how do you know he doesn't want that? 

I'm very, very familiar with infidelity and what can affect the trajectory afterwards. 

The boundaries being crossed by infidelity can create shock, panic, collapse or oscillations through all of them unpredictably. I'm glad your engaging here for support. At the same time because the subject is so triggering for most of us, some of the advice from outsiders is going to be filtered through their lens of pain in their system. 

Where we find impulsive boundary crossing we often also find restrictive or confused boundaries. In IFS we call the parts of us that don't care about rules "Firefighters" and the parts that love rules "Managers." Both serve important protective roles in our system. Extreme Firefighters, FF, (rage, addiction, disassociation, suicide, other antisocial taboo stuff) get fed by a desperate desire to be loved but feeling hopelessly cut off from it. 

We treat the hopelessness instead of attacking or shaming the FFs. 

If you can find the courage to be curious about my questions above and look the whole system of parts that you and he have, I think healing is absolutely possible. Whether or not you can heal with him and save the relationship is another question. But I do know for myself that when I'm less hijacked by my own fear or shame then my brain sees a lot more creative ways to get through my day, or whatever painful thing is going on in my marriage.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

$600 spent at a strip club is about what a guy would have to spend to get into the VIP with a girl and have some kind of sex with her in there. So yeah, this guy is definitely cheating. You don't tip $600 in a night just watching girls dance.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

leahlately said:


> I would LOVE for our marriage to be healed and restored but I know people need to want to change. I know since he doesn't, this isn't possible.
> I allowed the going out believing that he wouldn't do anything sketchy, I obviously trusted way too much.
> These are friends of over fifteen years but their lifestyle choices have come to light in recent years.
> I know I should've restricted him from hanging out with them then, but again through things he would say to me about them, I just believed my husband was better than that. He's actually a 'follow the rules in every other aspect, always teaches our kids to do the right thing' kinda guy. So I trusted with everything I had. I obviously see now I've been so blind.
> ...


He needs to heal himself before you're both capable of healing your marriage. You can't restrict him from doing anything, but you can enforce what you will/won't put up with. If you try, what do you think his response would be? Also, is he a rule follower, or does he simply like other people to think well of him? Some men like the status of being a married, family man, especially when it comes to their career. It looks good on paper, but they don't really like coloring between the lines. 

Have you talked about this at length? Is he willing to go to therapy? It's really a sad situation all around, but you can't carry a marriage alone.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

leahlately said:


> I would LOVE for our marriage to be healed and restored but I know people need to want to change. I know since he doesn't, this isn't possible.
> I allowed the going out believing that he wouldn't do anything sketchy, I obviously trusted way too much.
> These are friends of over fifteen years but their lifestyle choices have come to light in recent years.
> I know I should've restricted him from hanging out with them then, but again through things he would say to me about them, I just believed my husband was better than that. He's actually a 'follow the rules in every other aspect, always teaches our kids to do the right thing' kinda guy. So I trusted with everything I had. I obviously see now I've been so blind.
> ...


He's being a hypocrite to your kids, but I guess that's not unusual. 

I just don't see hanging onto a farce of a marriage where you have only one person invested.


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## leahlately (8 mo ago)

DCMarriageCounselor said:


> leahlately, I'm sorry to hear you're going through this right now.
> 
> Can you say why you'd like things to be healed and restored?
> 
> ...


We've had really rough patches through the years and from about 5-6 years ago to now, it seemed like we were finally in a good place. We would talk more, laugh more, spend more time with each other. Before I would doubt his love for me but since then, I felt we were getting much closer. I always imagined us growing old together. I guess I just still can't believe the same guy that shows me love and care is the same guy that would blatantly hurt me.

I feel he may not want that because based on his actions lately, I feel he won't want to give up his lifestyle. It's like I'm seeing his double life and I feel it'll have to take him hitting rock bottom to understand that lifestyle is going to leave him alone and with nothing. 

Thank you for your input. There's a lot of healing to be done.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Have a plan. You’ll need one either way.


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## leahlately (8 mo ago)

TXTrini said:


> He needs to heal himself before you're both capable of healing your marriage. You can't restrict him from doing anything, but you can enforce what you will/won't put up with. If you try, what do you think his response would be? Also, is he a rule follower, or does he simply like other people to think well of him? Some men like the status of being a married, family man, especially when it comes to their career. It looks good on paper, but they don't really like coloring between the lines.
> 
> Have you talked about this at length? Is he willing to go to therapy? It's really a sad situation all around, but you can't carry a marriage alone.


My husband had a pretty rough childhood. So I think that's always been a motivator to excel at what he does. I don't think I've ever met anyone else with the work ethic he has. And yes, I have come to see he definitely cares that he is seen as a stand up man with his stuff together.
When I found out about the strip club situation, we did but honestly I was in such a foggy state I feel like I was negotiating most of the time and eventually stopped talking because I've been so emotionally drained. For ten weeks I've walked around like a zombie trying to understand how to forgive and letting my anger go. I felt I was getting there and then I saw the message.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Doesn’t sound like this has been resolved. More like a discussion with a kinda/sorta apology and no expectations — or consequences — going forward.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

And the fact that he refuses to discuss what happened tells you everything you need to know. He may claim it wasn’t technically cheating (in his eyes) but he knows he needs to hide what he did.


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## leahlately (8 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Of course, they're paying prostitutes they're getting at the strip club. Of course it's cheating, and it's cheating whether he put his penis in one or not. It's reprehensible that the takeaway from a 20-year marriage and family is how having sex with prostitutes is important enough to him to risk his marriage.
> 
> Your husband doesn't want to be married or respect the institution of marriage OR you. He's probably been doing this for years if not decades. I'll wager he will gaslight and find some way to blame it on you.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry for your friend. It really does hurt when the affection and love one puts out isn't returned and on top of that just taken for granted. Thank you for your words.


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## Personal Situation (7 mo ago)

leahlately said:


> I would LOVE for our marriage to be healed and restored but I know people need to want to change. I know since he doesn't, this isn't possible.
> I allowed the going out believing that he wouldn't do anything sketchy, I obviously trusted way too much.
> These are friends of over fifteen years but their lifestyle choices have come to light in recent years.
> I know I should've restricted him from hanging out with them then, but again through things he would say to me about them, I just believed my husband was better than that. He's actually a 'follow the rules in every other aspect, always teaches our kids to do the right thing' kinda guy. So I trusted with everything I had. I obviously see now I've been so blind.
> ...


Im new here & just saw your post. I am so sorry you are going through this! Unfortunately I understand all too well as We have a VERY similar situation & relationship length. I recently made a few posts. I would encourage you to read them because there’s ALWAYS more to find. They will only admit to what they are confronted with & will downplay it. Please read my posts as I think it could be beneficial if you decide to ‘scratch the surface’ & look for additional lies…unfortunately, I can assure you there’s more.

He’s not the unluckiest guy who got caught the first & only time, as he’s clearly comfortable behaving this way in front of his friends while married …birds of a feather. You can voice your opinion that you don’t like his friends & don’t feel they are good for the marriage but if you forbid him to stop hanging out with them -he will turn it around on you & say you are controlling, insecure, & jealous. Besides, he WILL just do it anyway-behind your back.
This has most likely been going on your entire relationship/marriage & you are just finding out now. Think back…were there other red flags? Things that seemed innocent at the time? Things that didn’t make sense but you trusted him? Catch him in any lies(even from years ago that recently came to light)?
Is he addicted to porn, gambling, alcohol, etc..?
I would encourage you to dig deeper


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