# Like everyone else here, I need some advice



## mae (Aug 17, 2009)

I apologize because I know this is going to be a bit longwinded but I don't know how to shorten it and get my point across...

So first a little bit of background...My husband and I have been married for 2 years. We got married when I was pregnant (stupid, stupid, stupid, I know). I was in love with him and thought he was in love with me or I never would have married him, pregnant or not. About a week after we got married I lost the baby.

We stayed married and it didn't occur to either of us to divorce when I lost the baby, which I took as a good sign, but we started fighting a lot after just a few months. Mostly we fight about money, my husband is always freaked out that we won't be able to pay bills or will be poor etc. even though we make enough money and have money in savings. Back then I wasn't so good with finances so it was more understandable but he threatened me with divorce a couple times when I was having trouble paying my bills and trying to get a business started. This made me lose a bit of respect for him.

About a year after we were married I got pregnant again and at this time I was working full time and making plenty of money. I never ask him for money and I don't go out and spend money but we still manage to fight about it. My pregnancy wasn't so great with him making me cry pretty much every week or more often. He would get mad at me about everything, saying I wasn't cleaning enough, wasn't saving enough, was going to see my family too often (he likes my family a lot but he would complain about the 2 hour drive and using too much gas), etc. This was despite the fact that I was working 50 hour weeks and saving at least around $400 a month. I seriously considered leaving him at this time. He also told me that he didn't love me when we got married but that he was starting to love me.

After the baby she has been happy point in my life but things are still not good. I am back to working over 40 hours a week and otherwise watching my daughter full time. I give my husband time to go out and do what he wants but he has never extended that courtesy to me. He doesn't expect me to do all of the cleaning a cooking but he expects me to do a lot of it and doesn't understand that I'm doing as much as I can.

The biggest things are that there is absolutely no passion in our marriage. I don't feel like he loves me even though he says he does. He never gets excited, never does anything romantic, etc. I try to do as much as I can to try to encourage him but it goes nowhere. I have bought him tickets to see his favorite band, allowed him to hang out with his friends, made him nice dinners, etc. and none of it matters. He never returns the favor. I have told him I want marriage counseling and he's agreed but he won't take the time to do anything towards that and he refuses to come with me into my church to see the chaplain. 

Essentially we're at the point where we just don't talk about anything that we disagree on (which are some big things) and we just "get along". We might as well be roommates. I don't know how he feels about me and talking to him goes no where. I resent him and feel like he's a jerk. For the sake of my daughter I don't want a divorce but I don't know what to do. Any advice?

PS: He'll sleep with me but he doesn't find me attractive and he makes that clear, which really bothers me.


----------



## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

How does he make it clear that he doesn't find you attractive? Who initiates the sex?


----------



## mae (Aug 17, 2009)

He tells me I need to exercise more or not to eat something (I exercise at least 3 times a week and I only occasionally eat any junk food) often. He never compliments me at all. We used to have sex about 4-5 times a week and now it's about once a month, either initiated by me or when he's drunk. He also myspaced an ex-girlfriend of his and told her he didn't find me attractive at all (OUCH)


----------



## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Does he drink in order to have sex with you, or is he a habitual drinker or alcoholic?


----------



## mae (Aug 17, 2009)

He's not an alcoholic but he is a habitual drinker. He drinks every night, either 1 or 2 beers or glasses of wine. On weekends sometimes more. Some nights he'll have more. I don't know, maybe that makes him an alcoholic. He's not drunk often, maybe once every other week and he doesn't get stupid drunk.


----------



## mae (Aug 17, 2009)

Ok, I'm adding to this as I have not gotten any advice yet and I don't want my thread to go to the back burner. Please anyone, any advice of how to get my husband to appreciate me, adore me, love me? Or at least show that he loves me?


----------



## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

It is basic, but most women don't realise it:

You need to tell him.

Tel him, specifically, what hurts you when he says it to you, re: eating, weight.

Tell him what you want to hear. Tell him you genuinely want to work on it.
Tell him it will be hard.
Tell him it is serious.
Call his bluff when he palms you off with 'okokokok, I'm sorry'. 
Ask him to take this seriously.
Call him on it when you know he isn't being honest.;
Take time for yourself.
Do random nice things for him.
Schedule in sex. Show him how to please you. It will make himfeel great.
See a theapist.
Go out on a date once a week, even if you can't be bothered. They work.
Exercise for you. He is probablly unhappy with you because you don't take care of yourself as guys find this a turn on. It is probablly more that than any weight issue.
Schedule time to go out with your mates once a week. Make him do it too.
If you do all of that, things will turn around. They wil be far from perfect but they will be better.

Take care,

overit x


----------



## WhyohWhy (Aug 19, 2009)

I like what Overitnolove said....

Mine isn't going to be a popular reply with some people on the site, but it'll be the truth.

You first got married because you were pregnant. I don't think thats a good enough reason to get married. He doesn't seem mature enough to be married anyways, he is too worried about money because he hasn't been around it long enough to know that it comes and goes no matter what, maybe he doesn't see or recognize that you are saving and thinks you are spending that money. Maybe he really doesn't love you, maybe he just says it because thats what you do when your married. Your situation is kind of like that of my wife and I, really just roommates that have sex occasionally. I don't know if counseling will fix a romantic relationship if it just doesn't exist.


----------



## mae (Aug 17, 2009)

I fully agree. We shouldn't have gotten married because I was pregnant, but now I'm stuck in this and I want to fix it somehow, if possible.

I know there's fault in both sides of a failing marriage and I feel like I see at least most of my faults and I try to work on them. I have changed and worked on everything he has asked, but he doesn't do the same. He never apologizes, treats me like I'm stupid, makes me feel bad about myself. 

Honestly if it wasn't for my daughter I would've left long ago. But I can't. I don't want her to come from a broken home. However, I was thinking to myself this morning, what if he makes her feel as ****ty as he makes me feel when she's growing up? He didn't get any love an appreciation from his parents and I have a feeling he's almost exactly following in their footsteps. I don't want him to make her feel stupid and unloved. Does this make sense to anyone or am I just trying to live in a fairytale? Am I asking too much to want my husband to do nice things for me and think the world of me?


----------



## phoenix2sun (Aug 24, 2009)

Mae - 
Children who live in homes that have chronic tension and arguing have worse outcomes in life than children whose parents divorce and the parents are civil toward one another in divorce. A little research I have read to keep in mind.
The biggest advice I would give you is that you are an intelligent woman, you deserve to be treated with respect and to be loved and to love yourself. It sounds like his words and actions have made you doubt your own self-worth. And have made you question your own intuition and knowledge. You know what you need to do - you only control you, your husband control's himself. You can not make him treat you the way you want to be treated - he must chose to. 
The only change you can make in your marriage is one that you have control over - you can change the way you think about your marriage, you can change your expectations, you can change your behaviors. 
However think about what you value, who you are and what you want out of life before you make any changes. Does he help you accomplish these things or hinder you? 
Does he build you up or does he break you down? 

Remember you are smart you can and will figure this out regardless of what he tells you.


----------



## mae (Aug 17, 2009)

I stopped writing for a while because I'm not sure anything anyone can say will help (though there is a glimmer of hope) but I just need to vent a bit.

Phoenix, to answer some of your questions, he doesn't build me up, he breaks me down. He doesn't help me to accomplish what I want to accomplish. He doesn't believe I can and he makes me doubt myself. Somehow I keep going but I always feel his disapproval.

We had a conversation the other day about him finding me unattractive and making me feel fat, even though 1. I just had a baby 2. I am exercising almost every day and eating very healthy 3. I am losing weight in a healthy fashion (I've lost about 10 lbs in the last 2 months). His reply was that if he said I looked good it wouldn't encourage me to lose more weight. What the hell kind of logic is that?

We also had a conversation about him not supporting me. To give you more of an idea of how my life goes, I get up throughout the night with my baby, he is never the one that gets up. I then go to work from about 9 or 10 am to 8 or 9 pm (I work a lot of overtime at my job). I then get home and relieve him of baby sitting (he watches our daughter from about 5 pm until I get home) and I feed her, give her a bath, put her to sleep, etc. I then go to sleep at about 11 pm and start all over. In the midst of all this, I am trying to start a business so we don't have to keep living pay check to pay check. So on my days off and during my lunch breaks I work on this. He doesn't think that I can make this business work and he gets mad if I work on that on my day off instead of spending hours cleaning the house (what a great day off, huh?). I keep up my share of the cleaning and cooking and as far as I'm concerned I am allowed to spend my day off as I please. I just think he should be happy that I'm working so hard to ensure our future financially but he's not.

With all said and done, I'm 99% sure I shouldn't be with him but I don't think I can go through a divorce. I have been married before, more than once, and each time I've vowed that I would stick it out the next time and never get another divorce (there were mainly religious reasons for the first 2 divorces so I won't go into those) but I just don't see how it's possible. He says he's willing to work on things but he's all talk and no action. 

I'm so tired and heart broken.


----------



## mae (Aug 17, 2009)

And overitinlove, I agree with everything you said. Unfortunately I have told him how it hurts me but he doesn't get it.

I have tried to schedule date nights but he won't. "we don't have enough money" or "we don't have a baby sitter" etc. etc. Niether of which are really true. I can schedule a date night and work everything out to make it possible but I'm not willing to be the only one to try.


----------



## CarolineMRF (Sep 2, 2009)

Forget about what people will say...You are no door mat...No woman should have to take what you are taking...I would divorce this sucker in a heart beat...You are a beautiful woman both inside and out...He is the one with the issues...By kicking you in the teeth for some reason this makes him feel better...So you have three or four divorces...You tried...Your little girl will be happier with you as her family then what she will see in the future...You can do great out on your own....Probably ten times better than with this loser...

I would give him the ultimatum...Either you treat me with the respect that I deserve or Charlie Brown, there is the front door....Good luck....

Caroline


----------



## mae (Aug 17, 2009)

Caroline, thank you so much for your response. That's exactly how I feel, like a door mat. I'm always doing things for him and thinking about him and how I can make him happy I putting his needs before mine, without getting it back. I feel like I need to live life for myself and just be the best mother I can be and be as successful as I can.

I tell myself that but then I don't how I can actually go through with it.


----------



## CarolineMRF (Sep 2, 2009)

I believe that he is an alcoholic...Any person that drinks daily and who needs it is considered in this catagory...Just a couple drinks can do it...People fool themselves,,,They think that as long as they don't get drunk that they are OK...But, it is the need for the stimulant that is there...Like you have said, he has no role models...He is doing what his parents have done...I hurt for you because you are a good woman...However, along the line you are going to have to stand up for yourself and demand respect...This will be your challenge...Honey, good luck....I send you my love...

Caroline


----------



## mae (Aug 17, 2009)

Thanks for the kind words Caroline. I have read your posts and I would be so happy to have a marriage last as yours had and still have the passion yours has.

I just wanted to put in an update. I guess even though it's probably futile, I'm just not ready to give up yet. I know a marriage takes a lot of work, I just don't think it should be agonizing.

For the last few days I have worked on being more affectionate to him. I sent him an email telling him all the things I appreciated about him. I have hugged him and kissed him more. I have asked him how I can help on things, etc. However, I can only keep this up for so long without noticing any difference. I am hoping that he'll start acting the same way. Am I delusional or does this seem like a logical plan? I am thinking that acknowledging the positive things will help re-enforce them and make him want to do them more, but I could be wrong.

Any input would be much appreciated.


----------



## alwaysalone (Nov 17, 2007)

Mae,
1) I do not think he is an alcoholic. He enjoys a few beers or glasses of wine after work. I do that sometimes and I am in no way an alcoholic. 
2) You probably should not have gotten married because you were pregnant but you obviously thought or do love him so that is neither here nor there. 
3) All though I don't practice what I preach, we (meaning I go through the same things you are) should be staying for the children. 
4) As your child grows, he/she will hear/learn at an early age on how not to treat people. But because he/she is so young, they will think it's normal and start doing the same thing (my 3rd old does). This isn't good for the child.

The main thing, as I stated, I know what it's like, what you are going through. And all though everyone gives great advise, we will always feel guilty if think about leaving with our children. I know, I do not practice what I preach and I have been in a loveless, verbally/mentally abusive relationship for 6 yrs. (married 3 1/2 of them) and I am still dealing with it. I try to leave, say something, and end up blaming everything on myself because he says everything is my problem. 

I don't think this is actually helping you but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone and there are people out there that are going through what you are.


----------



## mae (Aug 17, 2009)

I kinda wish I was alone because I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I know that blaming myself for everything won't get me anywhere but I'm hoping that if I start really treating him how I want him to treat me that he will catch on and start treating me the same. If this doesn't happen, unfortunately I will have to leave him. I cannot live like this for the rest of my life. I feel I deserve someone who loves me as much as I love them and who treats me like I mean the world to them. I don't know if that exists out there but I feel it's what I deserve. It seems to me that I see other husbands who adore their wives and who show them that and that's what I want. I hope I'm not wishing for a fairy tale, I really think it does exist....


----------



## KeepLoveAlive (Sep 7, 2009)

Mae,

I think you know what you want, you just want others to tell you it's okay. Look, it's your life. And like phoenix said, you can only control you. You can't control him or his reaction. 

So ask yourself: Do you want to be married to this man, as he is? Don't say if he would just act this way, I'd stay with him, or if he would just do that I would stay with him. Because you've been married two years and it sounds like nothing has changed.

I am a big supporter of marriage and long term relationships. But I truly think the relationship has to have a good foundation to weather all the things life hands us. You have a baby.....believe it or not, it does not get easier!  As they get older the issues get bigger, and you want to be sure you are married to someone who can be there to weather these trials and tribulations. Is he that man? Only you can answer that....no us.

The next thing is you need to do some serious soul searching and perhaps some counseling. You said you've been married....what twice before? So this is your third marriage? You sound quite young to have that track record. So do yourself a favor and maybe get some help to find out why you have not made good choices when it comes to life partners.

I'm not blaming you at all. I'm just saying you need to figure out why you havent' yet chosen a man you can love long term and give you that love back.

Be strong.


----------



## CarolineMRF (Sep 2, 2009)

Mae, the fault is not with you, but with him...Until you can understand that it is not something that you are not doing, but everything that he does not care to do, your marriage will not go forward....You are not wrong...Love yourself...You are a good woman....Divorce is not a dirty word...For many women it means peace.....I send you all my love...

Caroline


----------



## mae (Aug 17, 2009)

Well, I think I'm giving up. Saturday night we had a huge fight about the dumbest thing. I went to take my daughter for a drive to get her to sleep and he thought I had just took off (uh, do you not see the diaper bag sitting in the living room still? you can't bother to call and see where I went?). I came back 5 min later to find him jerking off to porn in the living room! He was embarrassed as all hell. We had just talked about that the night before and he had agreed not to do that. I'm so done.


----------

