# i really did save it for him (long)



## rorinrory

i am 21 years old, have been with my husband for a year. I pretty much only had one real boyfriend before him, who was also a christian, and we were together for 4 yrs before we broke up. Although i felt it was worng my ex continually pressured me into oral sex, and really pretty much everything short of intercourse. Every time i'd come back around and say yah know, i really feel this is wrong, we need to take a step back and look at this, he would come up with biblical excuses and make me feel like a terrible girlfriend and like i didn't care about us at all if we didn't do it. i still feel terrible about letting him do that to me
There were pictures and videos, but i had him put a lock on them so other people could not access them. 
well, fast-forward awhile and me and my husband had been together a short time before we got engaged, i had told him although me and my ex had done certain things i was still a virgin and wanted to save it for marriage. well anyway, i kept trying to delete the file with photos/video in it, but it wouldn't let me delete the file because it was locked and i could not get it unlocked. appearently i could just go into the file and delete them individually but i did not realize that. i was hoping i could get a techy-friend to delete it for me. 
unfortunately, fiance found it first. he also misinterperited the video i guess, i did not re-watch it but i guess to him it looked like me and my ex were really having sex.
he loses his temper and also calls my ex who hangs up on him. i try to call my ex back to explain the situation and left a message that my fiance is calling because he thinks we had sex and he needs to call him back and tell him the truth because his silence is being taken by my fiance as a confirmation of what we did (but really didn't do). 
he finds out i called him and takes that as a confirmation as well and according to him my ex has confirmed that we did have intercourse.
so now, the thing i worked so hard to save for the person i married is pointless because my husband thinks i had intercourse with my ex and i did not. i pray every night that he finds out the truth before he/i dies. it's so important to me. i also used to have issues with lying and i've tried so hard to always tell my husband the truth, i kinda feel like this irony is punishment for all the lies and wrongdoings i had done before, 
we've mostly put it to the side but when things get very heated he always plays that card. 
i guess i'm really just wanting to talk and get some support, but this is something continually very upsetting to me and i am out of ideas how to get this right. for once i did everything right but everything still went wrong!


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## cb45

for once i did everything right but everything still went wrong!"
----rori

ehhh (cb squirms....), ummmm (not yummmm, mind u), hem/haw.....(looks at shoelaces....)

"not quite rori." copy n paste this website for the picture:

New Arkansas Quarter - Clinton Lewinsky Commemorative Coin

(hint....)

*"I did not have sexual relations with that woman."*


Read more: Bill Clinton - Top 10 Unfortunate Political One-Liners - TIME #ixzz1aAoPoZqt


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## rorinrory

i mean i tried to do everything right with my husband, i did not lie to him about things, i told him the truth about everything up front and instead of me actually lying and screwing things up, i told him the truth and he's convinced he's caught me in a lie and it's really screwed things up. i'm not saying i did not mess up in trying to get rid of that stuff harder sooner, but i did not do any of my usaul screw-ups and i still get accused of them is what i am trying to say. this is very embarassing for me and i do not want to talk about it with any of my friends, it's just extremely frustrating to have a big part of who i was and was about to be considered a total lie for the rest of my life. i am not saying me and my ex did not do anything, i already covered that, but we did NOT have intercourse, and my husband knows i have told him this. my husband can be a very mean angry man when he wants to and my ex probabley told him what he thought he wanted to hear maybe, or because of how things ended maybe he just wanted to screw me over. 
but, i did not come on here to be told once again i was lying, if i was i would not be posting on here, i'm posting because i feel helpless and hopeless about this and thought maybe somebody might have a suggestion or a nice word because i have noone to talk to about this in my life


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## SimplyAmorous

Rorinrory: 

It is ALWAYS Best to tell the honest to God Truth, even if it may hurt. And cause a few problems for a time. 

I , for one, commend you for waiting to have intercoarse with your husband. I hear your heart in this. I do not feel , because of your past, God is trying to get back at you for anything. 

What you have here is an unfortunate chain of events -where many would not want something like that found, but it was- it is not the end of the world. Those phone calls didn't help matters, the timing, the way it played down. So now you & he are picking up the peices of what he views as a "betrayal "-but it really wasn't. Conclusions were jumped too. 

I was like yourself, waited for marraige for intercoarse, and funny cause when I did marry, I was so TIGHT there, I bled, he couldn't get it in, I mean, it was literal Hell -crazy story there , even took months, got pregnant before . DID you also experience this PAIN when you & husband did it the 1st time? If so, remind him of this- this is a "proof" in a way. I am sure not all women experience that, but if you did, bring him back in time to that - as this should speak some truth to your words. 

I take it your husband was a virgin and this really plays on his mind? I can appreciate your dilemma, it would be very hard to be accused of something that didn't happen. Saying you want him to know this before you die, this is a sad statement, a crying of your heart. You need to show him this in the deepest sense. 

So IF you can convince him of this truth -will this again brighten his world - trust restored in you? What is his sexual boundaries that he would find acceptable- for his bride before her weddig day - or would even what you did -still be TOO much- plus making a video in addition? 



Here is what I would likely do... I would take the time & write out a letter - pouring your heart out to him... why you wanted to wait, what it meant to you. Yes, even if you did those others things with your ex, if you have some regret , say this also - but still admists it all ....you had your boundaries.... that ONLY ONE man , on your wedding night - only He would be inside of you. For you, this was sacred, it still IS. And how it makes you feel that -he has taken this moment and trampled on it. Not believing your words in this. This peirces you deeply...and when he fights and throws this back at you, more hurt. 

I understand how you feel in this, as I know how precious this is to ME, so I understand your heart here. I can only imagine if I was accused & it wasnt' so. Pray he sees and feels your heart in this -as you write. I would even READ this back to him, looking into his eyes. 

Be vulnerable in this before him. Now IF he continues to do this to you, causing you pain, accusing you of lying, not trusting you-every time you have an argument ...refusing to believe your heart spilled out to him...... HE is the one with the greater problem here. 

All of us makes mistakes, did some things we are not proud of, we are only human, and the better man or woman will feel that, and give us some Grace. After this, do not accept any guilt before him, it falls on him to accept your "truth".


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## rorinrory

that's part of it is, we did not go straight into sex, i wasdefenately ready for it, and so was my body. my hubby claims he has asked multiple women and gynos who have said you can only get torn thru intercourse. wrong. i was already torn or just never had it to start with like some are, but he just took this and how painless and loose i was as a confirmation i was not a virgin. 
it is not his belief that you have to wait till marriage, he was not A virgin either, he actually has two kids already, which is a whole nother story, but it still meant alot to him. about the third night we hung out at his house i told him i was a virgin and planned to staay that way till i married somebody, his reply was maybe he would be that somebody 
for him it's not so much what we did but that i did not tell the "truth". i've tried to talk to him, write letters, etc. all to no avail, he usaully just says i contradict my own self and make up even more lies. i know how it would look if i were on his side, so much so and just the fact i've been told over and over that i've lied about this, i almost feel like i really did but i will always know in my heart that i did not. i did not really resent my ex before this either, but i have also since found out he forced his cousin in laws 15 yr old sister to give him bjs, pphotos, and videos also, he can convince anybody of anything it seems, all adults think he's such a sweet gentlemen. but anyway, me and him were on ok terms i thought until them and it sickens me that he did this and ruined something so important for me. but i dont dare call him now and try to talk to him about it why he did it. *sigh* my heart is just so sick about it all the time...


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## SimplyAmorous

rorinrory said:


> my hubby claims he has asked multiple women and gynos who have said you can only get torn thru intercourse. wrong. i was already torn or just never had it to start with like some are, but he just took this and how painless and loose i was as a confirmation i was not a virgin.


 Your husband does not have all the facts. Some women do NOT bleed during their first. Many articles you can google about this fact. .... 

ONe article says this...


> Bleeding after interocoarse can be a sign of virginity because it proves that the hymen — a thin, fleshy membrane that partially covers the vaginal opening — "broke*." But not all women bleed the first time they have sex. Not only can hymen tissue simply stretch during penetration, rather than tear and bleed*, *but it is also very common for the hymen to rip before a woman ever has sex*. Physical exercise, like riding a bike or doing gymnastics, injury to the genital area, or inserting a tampon, finger, or sex toy into the vagina can all cause the hymen to split. Sometimes there will be discomfort and blood when the hymen tears, or there may be no blood or pain at all. In fact, you may not even know when your hymen breaks.





> for him it's not so much what we did but that i did not tell the "truth". i've tried to talk to him, write letters, etc. all to no avail, he usaully just says i contradict my own self and make up even more lies.


 He won't allow himself to believe you. Your hands are tied. You have tried till you are blue in the face. At this point, there is no way you can PROVE to him that you were -he refuses to be convinced, alone from God coming to speak to him, not sure he will give you what you are after. 

What is left... maybe a matter to "agree to disagree" , what else can you do. Let him know if he wants to believe that , fine, you can't stop him, but the reality is still that he was your 1st and it is *not changing*. YOu are very disappointed in him not trusting you in this, but damn it, you will continue to say you were HIS 1st and only, and that is that. 

And ask to move past this and for him to NEVER bring it up again in your presence to be used against you, that you NEED that from him (since he is being a stubborn mule) -but you can leave that part out of coarse.


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## cb45

what part re: BJ's dont u understand as having sex with another man really means?

THIS, (sex) is the issue; not the type or what u so called
withheld.

comprende' ?


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## that_girl

I don't understand how people who do everything but penetration of a penis in a vagina can call themselves virgins...


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## that_girl

wifeofhusband said:


> It is horrible to be accused of something you didn't do. Me and my husband were both virgins (completely - had never done anything with anyone else in any way, shape or form) and I did not have any pain, tearing or bleeding the first time. It was easy, we were both surprised. I agree with writing your husband a letter and telling him how special it is that you waited and that you feel a sense of loss over his disbelief.


Most likely you broke your hymen doing something else.  Not every woman bleeds. It's not always painful.


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## that_girl

I don't know how you can make this right...But don't make anymore videos. Lesson learned.


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## Blanca

rorinrory said:


> so now, the thing i worked so hard to save for the person i married is pointless because my husband thinks i had intercourse with my ex and i did not. i pray every night that he finds out the truth before he/i dies. it's so important to me.


Me too! But i was a virgin 'til 25 yrs old which is even harder for people to believe. I had many boyfriends and did some limited sexual things with them, but never sex or even oral sex. It was almost impossible for my H to believe that I could be completely naked with a guy and not have sex. My mother-in-law facilitated my H's disbelief by sending him emails that I couldnt be a virgin if there was no blood (lovely). I'm still not sure if he thinks I am or not. 

I did want it to be something special between my H and I and that turned out to be a complete and total let down, but for other reasons. 

For the most part I didnt do it for him. I remained a virgin for me; because I didnt want a pregnancy, disease, or to become emotionally attached to someone i didnt actually love. And because I thought it would be gross to have sex with multiple people. If my H doesnt believe me I think that is more a reflection on him then me.


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## cb45

Sex is a matter of the "heart" people.

if u think u're "innocent" then keep on keepin on.

but, if u have doubts, or know better in yer heart what u did
was indeed sex, even if in yer own mind.......dont quibble with
others trying to exonerate yerself...pls.

shalom


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## rorinrory

that_girl said:


> I don't understand how people who do everything but penetration of a penis in a vagina can call themselves virgins...


i'm not saying im completely innocent of everything as some have suggested i think, and he had been onformed of everything i DID do and what i didnt so its not like he didnt know the things i did do. the point it, i did not have penetration with any man except himand it is causing such problems that s friend found an online made-at-home porno online of someone who looks alot like me, so much so if i didnt know for a fact it wasnt me i woulve thought so too. and its torn our marriage apart and i not sure wether things will last or not, i know it sounds so condemning to him for me to say "i know it looks like me but its not" but what else can i do? theres nothing i can do otherwise and he tells me so much over and over that ive done this and all this is my fault why have i lied to him for a year, etc. that i almost feel like im crazy and really did it even though i know i havent. god and i are the only ones who really know the truth and even i have to keep reminding myself this is NOT entiirely my fault, that i haven not done the things he accuses me of, the only mistake i made was doing more than i knew was right and not getting rid of everything soon enough


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