# Blended teen stepdaughter not respecting mom.



## kaladarr (Sep 17, 2010)

Just wanted to vent about my 17 year old step daughter.
My wife gives to my stepdaughter with no sense of priority.
Said stepdaughter abuses this fact and does not even appreciate or repay my wife the way that she should.
What got me started on this was my stepdaughter not coming home after leaving for boyfriends home at 8pm in the evening. Then receiving a phone call from the "alternative" high school she is attending stating that our daughter was not in attendance and where was she?
I kind of have an understanding of teen behavior. I am not satisfied with what occurred, but that is not what really burns me up.
What does get my goat is how my wife handles the news and then responds to our daughter.
My wife just nonchalantly sort of shrugged it off.( Again I might add, not first incident with school or staying out.)
I asked my wife how she could be so complacent about the behavior and she explained that she had called our daughter on her cell and got no response , so there wasn't anything she could do about it at the time and why bother getting "worked" up.
Our daughter will give her explanation tonight, my wife will "lecture" her and then life will go on as usual.
No punishent, just a "talk" and everything is just ok.
Well it AIN"T not by a landslide!!!
I am sooo Fing p*** off about this "kid" disrespecting my wife that I want to scream.
My wife needs to get worked up and throw the little brats butt in boot camp!!
Having said that.
"Breathe" take a deep breath. 
Sorry for the ouburst.
Help me with some advice about keeping my cool, maybe even tell me how it is not a good situation but that I have to be the adult and "know" how "kids" can be.
Thanks for hearing me out.
Just had to get this off my chest, it was going nowhere and I was dwelling.


----------



## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Well, I can agree with your wife that if she couldn't get in touch with the daughter and had no idea how to find her, getting worked up at that point wasn't going to do any good. All it would do is raise your wife's blood pressure and stress her out. 

However, if it were me, when I did find my child or my child came home, at that point I would go through the roof. I would lecture my child, most definitely, but she would also be grounded, with cell phone and anything else else she enjoyed taken away. I'd also be taking her to and from school every day. In fact, I remember my grandmother telling me a story once: My older cousin decided he was going to quit school. My grandmother told him he better not, and he responded with something along the lines of what are you going to do about it. For the next few months, my grandmother took my cousin to and from school every day, and sat with him in all his classes to make sure he stayed there all day. My cousin was absolutely humiliated, but he did graduate high school with flying colors. Maybe your wife could do that...might really teach the daughter a lesson. 

Anyway, back to my point...how long have you and your wife been married? And how long were you a part of her and her daughter's lives before you got married? If you've been around most of the child's life, then I would think that to a certain degree, you would have some authority now and could take it upon yourself to handle some of the discipline since your wife seems to either not want to or nto know how to effectively do so. But if you haven't been around all that long, then I think you're fairly limited in what you can do. 

As hard as it is to watch your spouse being treated disrespectfully, there are some situations in which you have to step back and deal with it. Even if you can't directly do anything, you could still talk to your wife and try to get her to see your side of this, and see if that will change anything. 

Good luck!


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Maybe it's time to sit down with your wife and have a frank discussion about what's going on; such as...when said SD becomes a drug addict and steals from you or her, what are your plans? Or when she ends up pregnant, who's going to raise the baby? 

It's time to let her see that you're going to put your foot down if said actions result in more hardships for you two, since she's unwilling to help prepare her daughter for adulthood.


----------



## kaladarr (Sep 17, 2010)

Truckers , my wife and I have been married for 10 years , and together for 13 . My SD was 4 when we met. My SD has been a weekend visitor for all the years up intil drivers license age, at which her Dad was having so many rules and respect issues that he threw his hands in the air and said "get out".
She moved in with us at the end of the school year , beginning of the summer and is now full time with us.
As for your story about how your grandmother handled things. I tend to think like that and act upon those thoughts. My wife is definitely way more forgiving and tolerant.
A short lecture, don't do it again conversation and it is done , until " next time".
I kind of made my own bed as far as being accepting and tolerant of my daughters behavior through the years.
I should have seen things coming. On my behalf this is really my first time parenting a young adolescent. I did hear a lot of horror stories, warnings, and advice. I just didn't take it heart. 
Even if I did heed the warnings, I don;t think it matters until you do experience something first hand.
I have had conversations with my wife, and we had come to agreements that are not honored when I am not around.
I did " put my foot down" but admit to not being vigilant about it.
Also for the sake of my health and marriage I did have to come to accept what kind of person my wife is as a parent and wife.
I really believe that if I push any harder than I have, my only real recourse will to be just drop the divorce papers on her and go my own way. 
That is actually a thought and I am working on putting some money away a little at a time.
Yes Turnera , I am not sure it will be drugs or pregnancy, but there are definitely already problems with the financial support of my daughter as well as her being prepared to be responsible enough to live on her own.
Thanks for the thoughts and advice.
It is sad to believe that a child that "should" one day be out of the house and not a factor will probably be the downfall of an otherwise fairly healthy and workable marriage.
As of right now, I am working on me. Mostly for my own sanity and health, but also for my two bio daughters.
They are too special and their needs are way too important to waste my time beating my head against the wall of wy wifes poor judgement in raising our oldest.
I treat my bio daughters differently and am different to my wife also with my bio daughters.
I do stand firm and am assertive in relation to them.
Confrontation with my wife on the issues of parenting them is not a problem. I just love and enjoy them way too much to cave in or be a wussy.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Maybe your wife would be willing to let you step in and try things your way. Can't hurt to ask.


----------

