# Infidelity In A "Military Marriage"



## frozensprouts (Aug 1, 2009)

Hi
I have been posting on here from time to time, and it's really helped me. I am a "military spouse", and my husband is currently serving in Afganistan. He deployed about 3 weeks ago, and I'm not sure how long he'll be gone for.
About three months before he was deployed, he started acting kind of weird. He had starting "chatting" on facebook with a girl he works with ( he was her supervisor), and one day I told him that it bothered me that he was spending so much time online with her. he told me he would stop, but wanted to take her out for coffee to explain this to her( that made no sense). Then, about two days later, he told me that he wasn't happy and we left, only to come back about four hours later and tell me that a friend had told him that all marriages go through this kind of thing, and to give it time and things would get better. That was okay, then the next day he got an email from that girl saying she had a problem and really needed to talk to him, and he went to talk to her- he came back 5 hours later, and I was so angry! It was then that he told me that he wasn't happy, he didn't love me anymore, and he wanted a separation. He then left, and stayed at her house, sleeping on her couch. I was really upset, and went to see a social worker at the local military family resource center and get her advice. She told me that what he was doing was really bad, and if he didn't stop and HIS boss found out, he could be fined, demoted or even lose his job- it was horrible! I found out a few days later than he had ( he says the day after he told me he wanted to separate, but I don't really believe him) that they had started a relationship. I confronted him and he said he hadn't told me because he didn't want to hurt me. He said that he still wanted to be "separated", but that we could see a counselor and try and get some help and that he would stop seeing her. He sent her an email saying he couldn't see her anymore, but she started emailing him all the time, and their break-up didn't last long. He ended up spending most of the time at her place, leaving me and our three kids alone with no way to contact him if there was an emergency- and two of our kids have problems ( two of our kids are autistic, and the oldest takes a medication that can cause suicidal behavior in some people). I ended up getting in touch with our base padre, who told me not to worry- if there was an emergency, he'd send the duty MP's over to her place to "haul his $%$ out of there". I spent two very hot and horrible weeks trying to hold everything together while he cavorted around with her, and the when I saw the two of them together once ( after him telling me he wasn't seeing her anymore) he freaked out at me and told me I didn't want him to have any friends.

The final straw happened one Monday afternoon- he'd gone to her place Sunday night ( after getting angry with me for wanting him to stay with the kids while i went out for an hour to get a coffee with a friend) , and the next afternoon he still hadn't come home. we had an appointment with a new counselor that evening, and I figured he wouldn't be home, and I just gave up. He did get home, and I confronted him and admitted he was still seeing her. I got really angry, called his unit padre and reported what he was doing and called a local divorce lawyer my dad knew who agreed to handle things for me. The interesting thing is that the lawyer and padre both said I should go to the counselors appointment and the see what I wanted to do.
The appointment went well. I think my husband got the wake up call he needed and was surprised that, even after everything that happened, I would still want to be with him. please don't get me wrong, we both contributed to the situation. that was in the middle of august. 
WE started working on things, seeing the counselor ( she's great) and trying to do more things with just the two of us.
The thing is, i think it's been much easier for him than for me. he knows how I feel ( I still love him) but i don't know how he feels. We are able to"chat" on facebook, and every evening ( morning where he is) we do. But I'm not handling this well. I'm worried that he's also emailing her ( I have no real reason to suspect this, but it's there anyway), and every time the least little thing happens or if I don't hear from him for a day or two, i get all freaked out, and there's nothing i can do- he thousands of KM away. He does tell me that he loves me, and I'm probably reading way too much into everything, but it's really hard not to. When he first left and he called me from trenton and emailed be from germany and camp mirrage and when he first got to KAF, his emails seemed like he really missed me and the kids and that he was happy to hear from me. Now, it almost seems as if it a "chore" that he's "chatting" with me, but I do know he's really busy ( working 16 hour days) and not sleeping well, so maybe he's just tired. but that "little voice" in the back of my head that I wish would shut up keeps saying " I bet he's emailing that other girl", etc. Sometimes I feel like I am going nuts! I find myself thinking about breaking into his gmail and facebook accounts so that i could find out if he's in contact with her- but I won't do that, as what good would that really do anyway?

Anyway, thanks for reading this super long post- I'm sorry it's so long- but nobody seems to really understand what this has been like for me, and being a "military spouse of a deployed person" we aren't supposed to admit we are having issues like this!- it's been good to " get it all out". any comments you want to make are appreciated ( and if you want to tell me I'm a fool for staying, go ahead- sometimes I feel like I am)


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## frozensprouts (Aug 1, 2009)

( I feel really lame replying to my own post- but I have read some of the other posts on here, and a phrase really struck me, as it describes exactly how I am doing right now)

the phrase is "pendulum"- it's like I swing from being really happy and sure that he really does care ( e.g.- yesterday he called while I was out and left a nice message and told me he loved me and was sorry I was out but he would "chat' with me on the internet later on. I had picked up some things to send to him, and I was feeling really good getting them wrapped up and ready to send, I felt great!- then I was checking my email, he came online and I sent him a message, he didn't reply, and I felt absolutely horrible and miserable( it's most likely that the internet got locked down again, they do that all the time there), then after the kids went to bed for the night I waited online to see if he'd come on ( he usually does when he wakes up) and he did, and we "chatted" and I felt happy, but then he said he had to go- no " I love you" or anything like that and I got really sad again, and started feeling suspicious) - then just before I logged off for the night he came online again and said he had 20 minutes to chat before he had to leave for patrol duty- so I was ( you guessed it) happy again.

this "pendulum' stuff is really horrible- i know that a lot of it I'm doing to myself, but it's really hard right now to stop. How do you stop? How long does this last? ( he stopped seeing her and we reconciled in mid August, and he deployed the third week of October)


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## IfYouSaySo (Jun 24, 2009)

Frozen~
Also dealing with a similar situation...pm me or look up my posts fopr the full story. I've actually known for almost 5 weeks about my H's EA/PA and although I'm thinking completely clear and rarely cry about it, inside I still feel completely broken and empty. Some people get over it quickly, some it takes a long time and then some never do. My guess is it all depends on the situation in which you are dragged into and what kind of person you truly are down deep. I'm still finding these things out myself, but if you ever need to chat please feel free to contact me....best of luck to you in moving forward with him or without =)


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## frozensprouts (Aug 1, 2009)

the pendulum has swung again!
Last week, we started using Gmail chat to keep in touch, as it worked better for us. He would come online in ( what was for him) very early morning- between 5 and 6 AM) and evening for me ( there a 16 1/2 hour time difference) . That seemed to work. But on Friday ( three days ago) he called me in the morning to tell me that his passwords for Gmail and for Facebook wouldn't work anymore. he said he would try them again that night, but that he wanted to call so I would know what was going on if he wasn't on line. That was okay, I guess. I waited, but he didn't come online. The next morning, he called again for a few minutes, and said they still didn't work. So I gave him our daughters gmail password and he said he try that. He also said I sounded sad, asked what was wrong ( I didn't tell him), and that he loved me. He said he's try the gmail in the morning ( that would be Saturday evening for me). I waited again, and he didn't come on. This morning I was really upset. I was online with a friend, when I got a gmail chat message from him saying that he was sorry he hadn't been online in the morning, but he had slept in. He said the internet connection in Canada Cafe was much better than in his room, and that he gets 20 minutes a day there, so that's what he wanted to use from now on, as that way he wouldn't have to get up so early in the morning because it takes so long to log on and load a page and crashes so much.

All that sounds logical doesn't it? BUT that other girl finished up a course she was away on ( I know, as she lives close to me and the other day I saw her car was back in the driveway) and now she has a gmail address too. Or maybe she always did, but I was only aware of her hot mail account. Part of me wonders if the reason that he wants his morning internet time "free" is because he's using that time with her as she'd be home from work and online then. I feel so paranoid and I hate it so much.


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