# Say What?



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I love my wife to pieces. She's beautiful, smart, creative, etc, etc. She also never stops talking! This wouldn't be a huge problem but she expects me to actually hear and remember everything she says and she gets upset if I miss something. I am a guy. I focus on one thing at a time. If I'm watching TV, that's where my head is. If I'm writing a letter, my brain is on the letter. She can watch TV, work on the computer, chatter about five unrelated topics simultaneously. If I could keep up with all that, I'd be flying F16s. The really great part is that when I ask her what's on her mind, she says "nothing." :scratchhead:


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## Shesellseashells (Apr 1, 2012)

Does she have ADD/ADHD?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She's bipolar, suffers from depression, she's mentioned dyslexia, ADD and other alphabet strings. Whatever she "has", she's more capable than most folks. When she starts getting manic, it really is a challenge trying to keep up with what she's saying. If she were different, she'd be someone else and I might not find her as interesting. Frustrating sometimes, but it keeps me on my toes.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

It sounds like you view her mania as "kinda cute" and that is a great attitude to have. I do not have bi polar, however, I do talk at the speed of light, sometimes so fast, my husband only hears one long drawn out word. 

I used to get mad at him for not hearing me when watching TV, etc. I took it personal, but you are right, he is a guy and he only wants to focus on one thing at a time. 

So now, when I want to chat him up, I will enter the room and say politely "MUTE" if he is watching TV, or "PAUSE" if he is watching something on DVD. He grabs the controller and mutes/whatever and gives me his full attention. That being said, that time has a limit! So I gotta talk extra fast!

All you gotta do is communicate and come to some kind of agreement so no one's feelings get hurt. However, if she goes over the time limit, buy a tranquilizer gun!


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

My wife is the same way. Talks, talks, and talk some more... I love talking with her but late at night when I have worked all day I start to drift and she holds me responsible for the conversation later. I swear sometimes I have alzheimers because I don't remember part of the conversation. She takes it personally and I wish she would see it for what it is.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I have the exact same problem-my W will tell me something, and I'll forget it two minutes later. Or she'll be talking, and her voice starts to sound like the teacher in the Charlie Brown cartoons. My mind is focused on one thing, and I simply cannot pay attention to several things at once.

Which brings up an interesting point: why is it that when I'm watching TV, or just sit down to read a book, she suddenly sees a brightly lit neon sign over my head that says "I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING IMPORTANT-LET'S TALK".


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

I am pretty horrible with this. 

Doesn't matter who we're talking about either, if I am focused, I am focused. I will let someone talk at me until I pick up on a keyword, and then my brain snaps to attention and I have to make the person repeat what they said.

I'll also gladly bite your face off for being irritated by it. But I live in a house with 9 people, you have to fight for your right to concentrate on anything.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I am a grand multitasker, can talk /think /listen /respond while doing near any task, maybe a 2nd or 3rd in the works going back & forth between them & conversing .... my husband is so not like this.. if he is driving , he may miss the road he is supposed to turn on .... then he tells me It was my fault cause I was talking. (he is just kidding of course).... pretty normal.

Women and Man : Gender Issues » Gender Brain Chemistry – One Task Man Vs Multitasking Woman

Scientists prove that women are better at multitasking than men 

.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Just warn her.

"Talk all you want, babe, but I had a long day and I may not hear everything you say."


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

LOL my husband is just the opposite. I talk while he's doing something like watching tv or searching the computer or even a video game and if he doesn't respond right away I think he wasn't listening and I start to repeat myself only to have him say I heard you the first time honey. Several times I've quizzed him and by golly...he repeats it verbatim. He's got a mind like a sponge.


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

LOL! Yeah, I would be that wife. Talk, talk, talk. I get anxiety too, so if something needs to be done I'll repeat it 10 times. I used to think he was really patient with me because he would let me talk, look at me and not complain too much when I could hear myself going on. But now I think he has developed a special way to tune out and nod at the same time LOL


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> I love my wife to pieces. She's beautiful, smart, creative, etc, etc. She also never stops talking! This wouldn't be a huge problem but she expects me to actually hear and remember everything she says and she gets upset if I miss something. I am a guy. I focus on one thing at a time. If I'm watching TV, that's where my head is. If I'm writing a letter, my brain is on the letter. She can watch TV, work on the computer, chatter about five unrelated topics simultaneously. If I could keep up with all that, I'd be flying F16s. The really great part is that when I ask her what's on her mind, she says "nothing." :scratchhead:


Hi unbelievable ~

It's nice to see a post from you. You sound like you have a good attitude about this attribute of your wife. 

I'm not much of a yakker, but my H is also the kind who will get immersed in an activity and not hear me. We made a rule - if it's really important where I have to interrupt, then I have to touch him to get his attention, and once he's focused on me then we can talk. I found, just like my kids, he has to actually be looking at me and focused before he hears anything.

My MIL is a non-stop yakker, so when we are visiting her I am the one on the other side - trying to tune it out enough so I don't go bonkers from the chatter while listening for key words/themes so I can respond when she asks a question - it's kinda like speed reading -definitely a skill you can learn, but it's really painful to master because of the amount of practice (and yakking) it involves. 

Best wishes.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

In her defense, I do have some hearing loss. Two tours in Iraq, 30 years as a cop and a soldier. Back in the day, I was in a little rock band. Anyway, lot's of years of loud noises. Still, I think our's is a common "problem". Guys are just wired differently. I love the idea of having her tap or touch me to get my attention, but I doubt it'd go over with her. She has a thought and it immediately leaps out of her mouth. Not much opportunity for prep or planning. She may even be at the other end of the house. The good news is that she realizes I'm not deliberately trying to ignore her and she'd be the first to admit she's chock full of quirks. We tease each other about our little differences. Life would be boring if everybody was the same.


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

Ask More Than Once - YouTube

Not sure if we're supposed to share links, but this one is for a comedienne, Mark Gungor, talking about this exact subject. He is absolutely hilarious! And RIGHT!!! We enjoyed this link so much when someone sent it to us in an email, we bought the entire DVD series "Laugh Your Way To A Better Marriage'. Everyone we've shared this with loves it!!! 

Enjoy!!!!


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> She's bipolar....


Unbelievable, after reading your colorful comment yesterday about a dog playing the guitar, I was moved to read through all your threads. What struck me is that the behaviors you describe for your W are closer to BPD traits than bipolar traits. I am not a psychologist but I did live with a BPDer exW for 15 years and I've taken care of a bipolar foster son for longer than that. Moreover, I took both of them to a long series of psychologists for 15 years. Based on those experiences, I have found nine clear differences between the two disorders.

One is that the mood swings are on two very different spectra having different polar extremes. Whereas a bipolar sufferer swings between _mania_ and _depression_, a BPDer flips between _loving you_ and _hating you_. You seem to be describing a W who exhibits BOTH of those changes because you sometimes see mania (e.g., the hyper-fast talking) -- and other times come home to find your W has quickly flipped from adoring you to hating you (i.e., the rapid, unpredictable transformations from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde).

A second difference is seen in the frequency of mood changes. Bipolar mood swings are very slow because they are caused by gradual changes in body chemistry. They are considered rapid if as many as four occur in a year. In contrast, four BPD mood changes can easily occur in four days. 

A third difference is seen in duration. Whereas bipolar moods typically last a week or two, BPD rages typically last only a few hours (and rarely as long as 36 hours). Again, these short-duration rages are consistent with with the tantrums you describe.

A fourth difference is seen in the speed with which the mood change develops. Whereas a bipolar change typically will build slowly over two weeks, a BPD change typically occurs in less than a minute -- often in only 10 seconds -- because it is event-triggered by some innocent comment or action. Significantly, the behavior you describe is consistent with these event-triggered outbursts. The mania episodes, however, are not event triggered.

A fifth difference is that, whereas bipolar can be treated very successfully in at least 80% of victims by swallowing a pill, BPD cannot be managed by medication because it arises from childhood damage to the emotional core -- not from a change in body chemistry.

A sixth difference is that, whereas bipolar disorder can cause people to be irritable and obnoxious during the manic phase, it does not rise to the level of meanness and vindictiveness you see when a BPDer is splitting you black. That difference is HUGE: while a manic person may regard you as an irritation, a BPDer can perceive you as Hitler and will treat you accordingly. This seems consistent with your description of very hateful, spiteful behavior.

A seventh difference is that, whereas a bipolar sufferer is not usually angry, a BPDer is filled with anger that has been carried inside since early childhood. You only have to say or do some minor thing to trigger a sudden release of that anger -- which is consistent with your description.

An eighth difference is that a bipolar sufferer -- whether depressed or manic -- usually is able to trust you if he or she knows you well. Untreated BPDers, however, are unable to trust for an extended period. Before they can trust others, they must first learn how to trust and love themselves. 

Finally, a ninth difference is that, whereas a bipolar sufferer typically has a strong sense of self, a BPDer does not. A BPDer therefore tends to fill in the gap with a false self image of being "The Victim," always The Victim. One result is that a BPDer will attempt to "validate" that false self image by blaming her spouse for every misfortune. 

Another result is that it is common for BPDers to be absolutely convinced they are suffering from a wide variety of illnesses. My BPDer exW, for example, suffered from an unending variety of aches and pains and -- is common for BPDers -- had fibromyalgia (body aches that move from one area of the body to another). Her two sisters, both of which are also BPDers, also have fibromyalgia.

Yet, despite these nine clear differences between the two disorders, many people confuse the two. One source of this confusion seems to be the fact that a substantial portion of BPD sufferers (about 25%) also have the bipolar disorder.

I note that I do not know whether your W has most BPD traits at a moderate to strong level. I am confident, however, that you can spot the red flags if you take time to read about these traits. Significantly, you cannot rely on your W's therapist to inform you about BPD, even if she has it at the diagnostic level. With high functioning BPDers, therapists generally are LOATH to tell the patient -- much less her husband -- the name of the disorder (for several reasons I've discussed in other threads, e.g., lack of insurance coverage for BPD). 

Hence, if you want a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with, I suggest you see another clinical psychologist for a visit or two _on your own_. Take care, Unbelievable.


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