# Polygraph as an answer for Retroactive Jealousy



## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Your SO takes a poly where you get to write the questions. Assuming your SO has been honest with you and no new information comes out. 

Would it work to aleviate RJ? Why or why not?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I'd think it would mostly work to drain your wallet of a few hundred bucks.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

If you have RJ it's not your wife's job to clear it up for you!

Get thee to therapy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree. It's not going to do anything to help. They are wrong often enough to not be reliable. And.... you are the one with the problem, not her. So you need to see someone who help you find peace.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

A 20oz framing hammer to the temple is a whole lot cheaper and more effective.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

I feel like thats the solution sometimes cletus. I don't think it would help. The poly not the hammer. There would be a million more questions come up later. Just wondering what others thoughts were.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

I know it's my problem. She was entitled to make what ever choices she wanted before we met. Still is come to think of it. I think that's what makes RJ so damn hard. You know no one did anything wrong. That they didn't owe you anything. But the thoughts keep coming back. You can rationalize them away. You can ignore them. You can sometimes even believe that you are the one they want. But they always come back. Eventually you can't fight them anymore.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

I Don't Know said:


> I know it's my problem. She was entitled to make what ever choices she wanted before we met. Still is come to think of it. I think that's what makes RJ so damn hard. You know no one did anything wrong. That they didn't owe you anything. But the thoughts keep coming back. You can rationalize them away. You can ignore them. You can sometimes even believe that you are the one they want. But they always come back. Eventually you can't fight them anymore.


I understand what RJ is but I'm not sure how a Poly could help. I thought the purpose of a Poly was to get at the truth of something so unless you're worried that she hasn't been truthful with you about things in some way, I'm not sure it would help.

I suppose you could wonder about her experiences with others and would like to know how you stack up but even that is wrought with all kinds of inaccuracies depending on how long ago we're talking about.

I was with a fair amount of women and even if you gave me some kind of truth serum, I couldn't remember much of any detail. Of course in my case, that was a long time ago.

You know, even if you could learn more detail, it may not be what you think. I remember my own wife volunteering some information about being with a guy she had a crush on when she was in college only to find out that she thought the whole experience was awkward and just not very good. We happened to be talking about old crushes when we were walking on the beach one day when she said this. Funny thing is that I didn't even remember having any crushes at all.

Had she never told me that, I'm certain that I would have assumed otherwise if I was prone to grinding on things like that. Point is that just because you assume or think things may have been better with others before you, that doesn't make it so.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I Don't Know said:


> I know it's my problem. She was entitled to make what ever choices she wanted before we met. Still is come to think of it. I think that's what makes RJ so damn hard. You know no one did anything wrong. That they didn't owe you anything. But the thoughts keep coming back. You can rationalize them away. You can ignore them. *You can sometimes even believe that you are the one they want.* But they always come back. Eventually you can't fight them anymore.


The bolded part is the problem in RJ, you believe you aren't her #1. That is what needs to be worked on.

Also, what is the hangup in your RJ? Do you feel like you are not getting her A Game in bed but she did with others? Do you feel like her previous men were somehow superior to you in some ways? And if so, in what ways?

No, I don't think a polygraph would help at all unless you think she is lying about something in her past. A polygraph is not useful for getting at feelings, so it won't tell you that she loves you and enjoys sex with you more than any previous man. Or are there different kinds of questions you'd want to ask her?


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## imperfectworld (Jan 18, 2015)

I'll be the contrarian here and say yes. The assumption here is that a component of the RJ is hiding, which isn't alway the case, and then of course hinging on the results being better than the fears. 

This is, of course, pure fantasy as it is hard to imagine someone willing to take a poly for a RJ situation. 

I've learned that sadly the SO is the person on the planet least likely to be of help.


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## Luxey (Jun 5, 2015)

I Don't Know said:


> *I know it's my problem. She was entitled to make what ever choices she wanted before we met. * Still is come to think of it.  I think that's what makes RJ so damn hard. You know no one did anything wrong. That they didn't owe you anything. But the thoughts keep coming back. You can rationalize them away. You can ignore them. You can sometimes even believe that you are the one they want. But they always come back. Eventually you can't fight them anymore.


Asking her to take a poly will just make you look like a loon, IMO.


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

Stop asking questions about it, stop asking about her past lovers and what acts they did. None of this is going to help you at all. You know enough to scar you already and I'm sure you have the mind movies to torture you enough. More information is not going to alleviate this at all, in fact its going to make it worse. What you envision in your minds eye is your insecurities wreaking havoc on you. Like others have said, this is your problem not hers. You need to come to terms and work on you and stop badgering her with questions about it. She cant change the past, whats done is done, you cant change it either. Making her feel bad about it will not aleviate this for you either. This is your own personal demon you have to deal with. Rj is an ocd condition and its an inner battle.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

My thoughts when I had the thought was that a big part of RJ is that it would hopefully lend validity to the reassurances given by the spouse. The questions would be things like "do you love IDK more than xxxx." "do you enjoy sex with IDK more than xxxx"

I don't think it wouldn't work, because even if it quieted those questions, the nature of RJ would just bring up more questions and more doubts.
@Thor it's mostly it's everything. I don't usually feel like I'm not getting her A game in bed, so not that so much. A lot of it is did she want someone else more. Did she love someone else more. Yes I feel like they were better than me. Made more money, better musician, better built, more attracted to them, better in bed. Ironically the fact that I have RJ and they didn't. I guess that's ironic? It's at least much irony as "raaayaaaaaain on your wedding day", so I'm going with it.

Some of it is hard to explain. Her second exH was "nothing that she wanted" her words. He was a job hopper, loud, obnoxious, a serial cheater, didn't have kids, lazy, a 2 minute man, and other things I don't remember now. But she loved him. So all yesterday, I'm wondering WHY she loved someone who wasn't at all what she was looking for. How do you even get to the point of love in that case? Why this matters I have no idea. But it seemed very important yesterday. It's a "if he was nothing you wanted but you loved him anyway, how do I compete with that? That sounds like a love that makes nothing else matter" does anyone get what I'm saying here?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Lordhavok said:


> *Stop asking questions about it, stop asking about her past lovers and what acts they did*. None of this is going to help you at all. You know enough to scar you already and I'm sure you have the mind movies to torture you enough. More information is not going to alleviate this at all, in fact its going to make it worse. What you envision in your minds eye is your insecurities wreaking havoc on you. Like others have said, this is your problem not hers. You need to come to terms and work on you and stop badgering her with questions about it. She cant change the past, whats done is done, you cant change it either. Making her feel bad about it will not aleviate this for you either. This is your own personal demon you have to deal with. Rj is an ocd condition and its an inner battle.


Just had to address this point before I keep going through the thread...

Many times, most times I suspect, and most assuredly in my case, I DIDN'T ask questions, I DIDN'T pry for details. I DIDN'T want to know, but the details still came out through other ways, and I lost my choice in the matter to know these things or not.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

It's not important that other people, us here on TAM, understand what you're worrying over.


What is important is that you recognize those thoughts racing uncontrollably through your mind are irrational. Yes, the feeling they prompt are real, but the thoughts and ideas are irrational. Just like those who have a phobia, the feelings are quite real but the thoughts and ideas that prompt those feelings are irrational. 

It is not rational that the spider is going to crawl over and under your skin spawning thousands of other tiny spiders to do the same. But the terror this thought prompts is very real.

Okay, so now you see a little bit that the thoughts themselves are irrational. Why are you having these thoughts? What causes them? 

Self sabotage is what causes these thoughts. You will not allow yourself to be loved. You will not allow yourself to feel confident in her love. It is a crushing sense of self worth that prompts these thoughts. It is a lack of trust and faith in yourself and in your wife that leads you to sabotage.

Thoughts irrational.
Self worth in the tank.
Feelings very real.

How do you combat this and actually make progress? By first understanding the process I outlined above and then by seeing yourself in a different light. This takes significant effort and the help of a trained therapist but it can be done...if you want to rid yourself of this RJ.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I Don't Know said:


> My thoughts when I had the thought was that a big part of RJ is that it would hopefully lend validity to the reassurances given by the spouse. The questions would be things like "do you love IDK more than xxxx." "do you enjoy sex with IDK more than xxxx"
> 
> I don't think it wouldn't work, because even if it quieted those questions, the nature of RJ would just bring up more questions and more doubts.
> 
> ...


Or that there was just something about him, he had that "it" factor that was strong enough to overcome ALL those other shortcomings...and would she love me too if I became the same lowest denominator that he was, or am I being held to a higher threshold and standard...

Then the irrational thoughts of how having her love just really isn't that special because after all...a loser like him was able to get it...


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Assuming she was sexually active before you met:

It is likely she had awesome sex with someone else. Odds are one of her other lovers was better endowed. Odds are that she did something sexual that she doesn't want to do again. Odds are that every now and then she fantasizes about a past lover. Someone else may have been a better lover than you, but if you work at it, you will eventually become the best lover she has ever had.

You need to be able to accept this, and a polygraph won't change anything. It might fill you in on a few details - and they are details you don't want to know. 

Jealousy is extremely unattractive.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> Or that there was just something about him, he had that "it" factor that was strong enough to overcome ALL those other shortcomings...and would she love me too if I became the same lowest denominator that he was, or am I being held to a higher threshold and standard...
> 
> Then the irrational thoughts of how having her love just really isn't that special because after all...a loser like him was able to get it...


Thank you! I couldn't get that out nearly as well as you did! That is exactly it.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> It's not important that other people, us here on TAM, understand what you're worrying over.
> 
> 
> What is important is that you recognize those thoughts racing uncontrollably through your mind are irrational. Yes, the feeling they prompt are real, but the thoughts and ideas are irrational. Just like those who have a phobia, the feelings are quite real but the thoughts and ideas that prompt those feelings are irrational.
> ...


Aaaaaand now I'm terrified of spiders!

Seriously though thanks for he advice. It's right on. I'm going to have to bite the bullet and do some therapy aren't I.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I think you're looking at this all wrong. You're assuming that your wife is the same person that she was when she was with the ex. Is it possible that when she was with her ex, she was young, immature and stupid? That's why she was with him and thought she loved him. Years later she mentally and emotionally grown and now picked a much better man because she has learned from her mistakes.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

I Don't Know said:


> Aaaaaand now I'm terrified of spiders!
> 
> Seriously though thanks for he advice. It's right on. I'm going to have to bite the bullet and do some therapy aren't I.


Yes. Part of that work will include whatever it takes to realize that fantasies about hooking your wife up to a lie detector are not part of the solution, they're part of the problem.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I Don't Know said:


> My thoughts when I had the thought was that a big part of RJ is that it would hopefully lend validity to the reassurances given by the spouse. The questions would be things like "do you love IDK more than xxxx." "do you enjoy sex with IDK more than xxxx"
> 
> I don't think it wouldn't work, because even if it quieted those questions, the nature of RJ would just bring up more questions and more doubts.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the explanation, it helps give some perspective.

So you're hubby #3 for her? That throws up some red flags as to her having some issues. Her second ex-H may have just been some temporary infatuation which led to marriage, but when she saw the real him she realized he was nothing she wanted. Maybe he put up a good front at first but it was all pretend. Anyhow there's no explaining female emotions. There's no reason to fear this guy or compare yourself to him because she can't even come up with something he was good at. You seeking an answer to why she married him is irrational and can never generate an answer. I think every time you start to obsess on this guy you just consciously release it or squash it, and move to some other topic. Force yourself to do this.

Now on to the other guys. Hey I can relate to the "Yes I feel like they were better than me. Made more money, better musician, better built, more attracted to them, better in bed" part! Let me give you a couple of thoughts on it.

First, everyone is good at something, and everyone is bad at something. Nobody but James Bond is good at all of them! My wife dated guys 4+ yrs older than her when she was in high school. I met her in college. One boyfriend was, and is, a professional musician. One had a muscle car version of the car I owned. One was a firefighter. All but one had a decent income, quite a bit more than my minimum wage college jobs. I was a full time student, none of them went to college.

So my wife spent her high school years being wined (literally, drinking age was 18), dined, fvcked, taken on weekends to the beach, given very nice gifts, taken to the city for concerts, etc. She ran around in a mature circle. She had already experienced things as a teen the typical college student would start to do after graduation. What was the best I could do when we were dating, take her to the fast food joint I worked at in my old car?

The thing is, each of her exes was just a mortal human. One was a good performer. One had a cool car. One was the macho firefighter. But none was all of those!

Don't combine all her exes into one superhuman. One might have been good in bed, but he was probably a jerk or couldn't keep a job had other major deficiencies. Thus the relationship failed. Another may have made money but was horrible in bed. See where I'm going with this?

Combine their bad traits in your head to make one superloser. That's who you should picture her exes as. SuperLoser.

I have a theory that RJ is somewhat related to problems in a relationship and/or dysfunctions in how the woman interacts with the man. If you don't feel she is all that into you, of course you worry she may leave. But because there is no current day likely affair partner or crush you can identify, your brain identifies these previous lovers as the most likely poacher to take her away. So one avenue to pursue is building a stronger closer relationship with her. Another is for her to learn to express her desire and appreciation for you.

Read "5 Love Languages". It could be one of your higher LL is words of affirmation. You may need to hear her say she loves you, respects you, appreciates you, etc. She may have to learn to do this.

Another tactic is to work on self improvement and self acceptance. Do what you can to improve yourself. Picture who you want to be (not what you want to be). Put together a plan and work it. Go to the gym or ride a bicycle regularly. Take up a hobby you used to enjoy or want to try out. Take an online class or better yet find something in your local community adult education that interests you. Go on a day or weekend solo exploration trip to somewhere you've wanted to see. And then, accept that you are perfectly ok just the way are. You are not perfect but you are perfectly ok. Someone who isn't into you is the one with the problem, not you!


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> Assuming she was sexually active before you met:
> 
> It is likely she had awesome sex with someone else. Odds are one of her other lovers was better endowed. Odds are that she did something sexual that she doesn't want to do again. Odds are that every now and then she fantasizes about a past lover. Someone else may have been a better lover than you, but if you work at it, you will eventually become the best lover she has ever had.
> ...


You know, I really used to like you. :grin2:


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

I don't know,

What I would suggest is that you write down 100 or so questions in a notebook, then have your W look at them, she can answer them or not, perhaps you will divorce if she does not.

Then take her to the polygraph expert, the test will be did you answer the questions your H asked you truthfully, along with some control questions. 

Has your W been in communication with Ex'es or people who remind her of her Ex'es?

Tamat

Food for thought

New Study Claims People Who've Had More Sexual Partners Report Unhappier Marriages


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

TAMAT said:


> I don't know,
> 
> Then take her to the polygraph expert, the test will be did you answer the questions your H asked you truthfully, along with some control questions.


As his spouse, it would be hard to pinpoint the precise moment at which I decided to kick him to the curb, but this one would be high on the contenders list.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

TAMAT, no since we have been together she has not been in contact with any exes that I know of. Except the one she worked with and sat me next to at the company Christmas party, which was a drunken ONS. She was in contact with exH #2 for a year after leaving him and a few weeks after we met but cut contact with him when we started seeing each other more.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Do you feel you have an accurate representation of her romantic and sexual history? Does she seem openly honest in answering your questions? How much detail has she given you about her exes, for example where they had sex, what positions they used, etc? Does she currently talk about her exes? Does she have any mementos of them around the house?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Most people do until they get to know me :grin2:

I'm sorry to be mean, but I just don't want you to keep picking at a sore. Thor has it right - some people are better than you at some things - but she is with you now because overall you are what she wants. 

I am not the best in the world at anything, but I may still be the best person overall for my wife. 






I Don't Know said:


> You know, I really used to like you. :grin2:


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Honesty in answering questions. I used to think so. Then I found out that there were 2 more guys during the year after her divorce. She denied it and only said yes there were 2 more after I showed her proof (old texts from an iphone backup). Then she admitted another. And finally after I asked her who the salesman she was dating was, she said it was the guy from the Christmas party. So now no I don't think she's honest about it. Unless I can prove something, I don't feel like I will ever know.

Detail. Assuming she has been truthful. Not much. I know one guy made her squirt. I know one guy was bigger than me. I know one guy got her worked up to the point that she came when he put it in. Most of this stuff was revealed early in the relationship while playing the "have you ever" game.

Currently talk about exes. Hardly ever. She may tell a story that involves one of her exH's. Like exH #2 pumping her morphine button after a surgery.

Mementos. No. We had a disagreement about a t-shirt early on. It wasn't HIS shirt but was from one of the places he worked. She got rid of it, but fought me on it for a day.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

richardsharpe said:


> Most people do until they get to know me :grin2:
> 
> I'm sorry to be mean, but I just don't want you to keep picking at a sore. Thor has it right - some people are better than you at some things - *but she is with you now* because overall you are what she wants.
> 
> I am not the best in the world at anything, but I may still be the best person overall for my wife.


For someone dealing with RJ, that tends to ring very hollow, and usually has the opposite effect of what was intended.

I often think certain things might be easier to deal with if the exes were actually good decent guys. When there is a history of bad guys as exe's, a track record of certain bad types, one's self esteem tends to slip, and it's easy to feel as if you are on the same level as they are...after all, she chose them too.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Yep.

She's with you, doesn't help. She was with them too. So if she was with xxxx and he wasn't what she wanted, maybe I'm not what she wants either. I'm sure she never told the exH, "well you're probably as good as I'll find so I'll take it" either. 

When she says "he wasn't what I wanted that's why I left" I think maybe he wasn't but you stayed with him for 6 years. How long will you stay with me before I'm nothing you wanted.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I Don't Know said:


> Honesty in answering questions. I used to think so. Then I found out that there were 2 more guys during the year after her divorce. She denied it and only said yes there were 2 more after I showed her proof (old texts from an iphone backup). Then she admitted another. And finally after I asked her who the salesman she was dating was, she said it was the guy from the Christmas party. So now no I don't think she's honest about it. Unless I can prove something, I don't feel like I will ever know.
> 
> Detail. Assuming she has been truthful. Not much. I know one guy made her squirt. I know one guy was bigger than me. I know one guy got her worked up to the point that she came when he put it in. Most of this stuff was revealed early in the relationship while playing the "have you ever" game.
> 
> ...


My wife has been very honest and open in providing clarification on things that have come up. Pretty much all of it has been initiated by things over heard, or things other people have talked about in front of us, situations where things had to be disclosed, NOT by me initiating conversation or asking questions.

As far as communication with the exes, I think I got you beat on the one year thing...mine was still sleeping with hers for four years after he left her...


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

That sucks Sam. Yes it's vey much a what did you see in this guy? thing. And the answer I don't know is probably worse than an actual answer of "he was a provider" or "I liked his ass" would be.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I'm probably the worst person to be in this discussion - I don't seem to have jealously. 

Once long ago I was in bed with a girlfriend who had had a very active past. She called me by the name of a former boyfriend - then was instantly mortified. I just thought it was funny. 

Back when were were dating, my (future) wife dumped me (and possibly cheated, I don't know) for a guy with more style, sports car, made romantic gestures etc, was a PUA. I just waited. It didn't take long for him to sleep with her, then dump her, leaving her feeling used. She wanted to get back together and I agreed. I wasn't angry at her - I felt she had learned a lesson that couldn't be taught any other way. I never asked for details. I also figured that by being such a slime, he made me look good by comparison. 


I'm a very strange person, and I understand that most people wouldn't feel this way. I'll drop out of the conversation - I think my feelings are just too far from normal for me to be able to contribute. 







samyeagar said:


> For someone dealing with RJ, that tends to ring very hollow, and usually has the opposite effect of what was intended.
> 
> I often think certain things might be easier to deal with if the exes were actually good decent guys. When there is a history of bad guys as exe's, a track record of certain bad types, one's self esteem tends to slip, and it's easy to feel as if you are on the same level as they are...after all, she chose them too.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I Don't Know said:


> Honesty in answering questions. I used to think so. Then I found out that there were 2 more guys during the year after her divorce. She denied it and only said yes there were 2 more after I showed her proof (old texts from an iphone backup). Then she admitted another. And finally after I asked her who the salesman she was dating was, she said it was the guy from the Christmas party. So now no I don't think she's honest about it. Unless I can prove something, I don't feel like I will ever know.
> 
> Detail. Assuming she has been truthful. Not much. I know one guy made her squirt. I know one guy was bigger than me. I know one guy got her worked up to the point that she came when he put it in. Most of this stuff was revealed early in the relationship while playing the "have you ever" game.
> 
> ...


I'm not surprised at your answers here. There is a trust problem which she has significantly contributed to with dishonesty. No wonder you are uncertain where you stand.

This probably plays into your own insecurities. Some people have a fear of abandonment, where it is a deep real fear that someone important to them will abandon them. To counter this you need to develop a strong sense of self, independent from her. There's you, there's her, and there's your relationship. Each is an independent entity. I think you need to work on being ok with being alone with yourself. Yes it would be nice to be with her, but if she died today or left you today, you need to be in a place where you don't feel like it will kill you. You have to be your own self. I think this may take some individual counseling with a trained therapist. Your work should provide you with free EAP (Employee Assistance Program) which is absolutely confidential. Your employer will never know you went, and your therapy is guaranteed to be private by federal law.

Your wife's dishonesty and shifting answers are a problem. For some reason she is afraid to be fully honest with you. She'd probably say she's just protecting you, but in reality she is probably protecting herself from some imagined bad image you might have of her if you knew the truth. Like hiding from you the existence of those 2 additional sex partners. For me I would love to have some basic simple questions answered by my wife. When and how did she meet her boyfriends. Were there any non-boyfriend casual sexual encounters (e.g. ONS). I don't need to know who was bigger or who was best in bed. But I do need to feel she has given me an accurate overview which represents a true picture of her history. Yet this is impossible for her to do because she has some deep need to keep things hidden.

In many ways for me the big problems relate to the unknown due to the partial information. I start imagining things or ascribing more positives to an ex than is reality. Perhaps your wife would be receptive to knowing that the unknown is a big part of your RJ. Then after letting her sit with that knowledge for a week or so she might be willing to openly tell you whatever you want to know. But I would caution you to stay away from sexual details like size of penis or what forbidden acts she did with one guy but not with you.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

If not knowing can lead you to imagine all sorts of ridiculous scenarios in which your wife regrets marrying you... Will knowing lead you to having more faith in yourself and trust in your wife?

Asking these kind of questions is an exercise in futility, like picking at a sore it only causes more swelling and potential infection. So stop picking at the damn sore!!

Do not give in to the mind movies. You have no good reason to imagine worst case scenarios.

Put your effort into imagining best case scenarios.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> If not knowing can lead you to imagine all sorts of ridiculous scenarios in which your wife regrets marrying you... Will knowing lead you to having more faith in yourself and trust in your wife?
> 
> Asking these kind of questions is an exercise in futility, like picking at a sore it only causes more swelling and potential infection. So stop picking at the damn sore!!
> 
> ...


I know you are aware of my situation, and that it is not typical, and as FW has pretty accurately suggested, I am more in a PTSD situation given everything that has happened than RJ. 

What I can relate to is the fact that most of this crap does not start with questions at all. I know myself well enough to know what I can and can't handle, and know well enough not to ask the questions, but when things are forced into ones mind through other ways, against ones will, there has to be some kind of clarification.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

I Don't know,

I just read some of your old posts and the fact that she lied to you about significant details makes me all the more in favor of the polygraph. At the very least you need to know who her ex'es are so you can keep a lookout for them. If you have the full truth now there should be no objection to taking the test. 

Given what you wrote it is almost like you should get an Annulment and not a divorce.

Did she cheat on prior lovers or husbands?

Does she lie about things like how much money she spent etc?

Why is the ex allowed to go to your house can't the kids be passed through an intermediary?

Does the fact that she has 4 kids you are not the father of make you feel used?

Tamat


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

There is no way, no how, not ever for any reason that I would take a poly.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

@TAMAT 

She has never cheated on anyone that I know of. She seems to be a serial monogamist. I believe even when she was single and just dating guys it was one at a time. I would be surprised to find out she had ever cheated. 

I've never found her to lie about anything other than her past. She pretty consistently did that. Like one time she said something about if I'd been a man hoe she wouldn't have dated me. So I asked her about the bass player she screwed a few times. Why was it ok for him to be that way and not me? She claimed she didn't know he was sleeping with half the city. Come on. You didn't think a band guy was sleeping around?

Both our exes pick up kids from our house it's not a big deal. I don't remember if I ever posted that I had a problem with that. 

I'm not actually going to ask her to take a polly. It was just a random thought and I wanted to see if people thought it could be of some help to people with RJ.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How many women did you have sex with before you started this relationship with your wife?

You have children with one woman, so I assume at least one was a long term relationship. How many were long term relationships?


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

I Don't Know said:


> @TAMAT
> 
> So I asked her about the bass player she screwed a few times..


Those damn bass players


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> How many women did you have sex with before you started this relationship with your wife?
> 
> You have children with one woman, so I assume at least one was a long term relationship. How many were long term relationships?


15-20. 3 were LTR. About the same as her AFAIK. I know it's a double standard. It's not so much the numbers that bother me, although I won't lie and say I wouldn't prefer her number to be less than that. It's wondering and worrying about how I stack up. In sex, passion, attraction, lovedness.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

@TAMAT sorry I was posting on mobile and missed a question. No the 4 kids doesn't make me feel used at all.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

I don't know,

The reason I was asking you those questions was to see if something your W was doing here and now was keeping you triggered.

I presume your W maintains appropriate boundaries with men?

Tamat


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Yes she does. I have no worries about her cheating.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

I Don't Know said:


> Some of it is hard to explain. Her second exH was "nothing that she wanted" her words. He was a job hopper, loud, obnoxious, a serial cheater, didn't have kids, lazy, a 2 minute man, and other things I don't remember now. But she loved him. So all yesterday, I'm wondering WHY she loved someone who wasn't at all what she was looking for. How do you even get to the point of love in that case? Why this matters I have no idea. But it seemed very important yesterday. It's a "if he was nothing you wanted but you loved him anyway, how do I compete with that? That sounds like a love that makes nothing else matter" does anyone get what I'm saying here?


I am not going to read this thread but I want to address this.

Do not confound bonding with attraction.

If a woman is attracted to you enough to allow physical contact then she will bond to you, oxytocin will see to that. Hence the reason she may love an ex she was not "greatly" attracted to, as might be the case with another male.

Your job in a relationship is not to be the most attractive man in the world, impossible, but to cultivate the connection and bonding to a level that she is very happy to be in your presence. That's it!

If that is not good enough for her that let her go she is not worth your time.

You are on a fools errand, and you are doing the opposite, you are making your presence toxic for her, cut it the *** out.

Yes...you have to keep the relationship alive and fresh, attraction alone will not do that for you, it may get you between the sheets but staying there is more about being as attractive as you can and keeping the bond and connection, i.e. love, respect, purpose etc.

The other turkey's feathers may have been prettier but she is bonded to you, exploit that and do not be so insecure that you want to self-sabotage because that is all RJ is.

I wish you well.
Take care.


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