# How to repair the damage?



## gr10 (Jan 7, 2012)

I have been married two years and am on the brink of divorce. My wife and I have become very detached and I have sought out comfort by talking to ex-girlfriends. At the time I did not feel bad about it. It did not feel like cheating to me, but my wife feels differently. She feels like I have been "emotionally cheating" on her. I understand after reading what she means by this. Im trying to figure out how to repair the damage I have caused to our relationship. She has been telling me all the things she needs to feel good, but I feel like she is being extremely demanding of me. And in a relationship that has already been bad for so long its hard for me to really give her the extra effort she requires from me. I feel like she is trying to control me and it makes me want to rebel. I don't know who is right or wrong anymore but im having a hard time just giving in to her every need even though I am the one that "cheated"

So.. how can i repair the damage done, but still maintain my sense of dignity and not become a whipping post?


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Dude you need to grow up if you're going to repair this marriage. You're not 17 anymore.

You cheated on her so you have no right to make any demands. From your tone however I sense you're not really in love with her otherwise you would be doing anything possible to please her and amend your actions..


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Dude you cheated, plain and simple. Instead of doing the honorable things of MC (marriage counseling) and divorce, you sought the coward's way by having EAs (emotional affairs).

If you truly love her, then own up to your sh!t and do what she says she needs from you. If not, divorce her so she can be free to find a man who will truly give her what she needs.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

If you wanted to maintain your dignity, you should have gone to counseling, or just divorced her. Talking to your exes after you're divorced is fine.

Since you cheated, the consequence is that you have to do the heavy lifting for the immediate future. You should give your wife access to your email/Facebook passwords and your phone and phone records. She needs to be able to verify that you haven't been speaking to these women.

Then, when you're both in marriage counseling, you can start discussing the reasons that you went outside the marriage.

Good luck.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Maybe it is that attitude that caused the marital problems in the first place. You cheated and have to accept that blame. Any demands she makes in order to feel secure in the marriage should be implemented right away without question. You are going to have to do some heavy lifting if you want to save your marriage.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

It would be nice to know what your wife is demanding to see if she is going overboard.


----------



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Weird thing about EAs-most people in them don't realize that they're cheating until it is too late. But I think, gr10, that you have to seriously ask yourself whether or not you are the person who can give your W what she really wants and needs. If you can, then I agree with everyone else who tells you that it is time to grow up and man up. But if you are unwilling or unable to do so, then perhaps it's time to end this marriage.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

What else was there about EA that created distance. Please tell us more about your relationship? Was there lying in addition to the EA? Was it blatant lying? Like did she ever express any concern about these girlfriends, it sounds like they were never far from your day to day life the way you could just talk to them like that.

Were there other issues such as sexual ones, that she tried to communicate to you about, and you did not listen? How was your sex life? Let me tell you from experience that even if you are driving a car fast and scare a woman, and she asks you to slow down and you don't, then you are absolutely scr*wed trust-wise. Please don't tell me you shorted her concerns sexually. To a woman, even one breach of sexual trust means you are history, FOREVER. I'm not talking about cheating, I'm talking about doing something to her she expressed a desire for you not to do. I am asking questions based on my experience of a man who called me controlling and abusive. (I know I am not, my requests to my husband were reasonable, in fact you remind me a lot of him just in the way you write...one of my requests was that my husband use a condom until he got a vasectomy. Oh he did all right, 5 times on leave, and then he just put it in me, said he thought I wanted it, that I might have changed my mind, that HE was okay with having a baby. In this case, condom use was not at all controlling, I'm 47.) Maybe you tend to be sexist. You could get a feminist therapist to explore this issue you have of feeling concerned by being controlled by a woman. 

Did you become overly jealous of her and feel insecure and accuse her of things she did not do? Did you push her buttons a lot? In my opinion as a woman, most women are head over heels in love or they do not allow a man to move in...so, like, how long did you know her before getting married? Before moving in? What was your life like before you dated her? What were the quality of your relationships? How about her? How old are you guys? So what's the deal with the ex-girlfriends. How did they become ex's? 

There's a lot that can create emotional distance, I don't think we are really able to get the big picture, and what's this about girlfriends in the PLURAL? That doesn't sound quite right. You are the kind of person that has old girlfriends after 2 years of marriage, that's girlfriends with an 's' at the end, where you can just pick up the phone and call them, and they listen? And you were married? It sounds like you never even fully committed to the relationship in the first place. No wonder she's emotionally detached, you never allowed her to have all of you to attach to in the first place.

It seems to me that you MIGHT have issues with giving up control, where no control is actually happening. Just a typical relationship. But you perceive it differently, more paranoia than normal. Sometimes this happens when people lack true authentic power in their lives. Under the veneer of a man who cheats is usually a lack of feeling of authentic power to participate in their life. They usually don't have much of a life to begin with, it's all based on having a girlfriend (or more), so losing even a little of it is threatening and gets chalked up as one person having control. If you had control of your life to begin with, you wouldn't even worry about losing control of it.

It sounds like you get benefit from some therapy. 
Is this your first marriage?
What do you mean by 'brink' of divorce?
What are the divorce laws in your state, can she divorce you without your consent? Are you living together?
What did you do on your own to convince yourself and her that you would not go running off to girlfriends and could be trusted to support a marriage relationship in deed and thought and intent?

You don't say how old you are. But you sound very young.
Why do you put 'cheating' in quotes? An affair is an affair. It takes energy away from a marriage relationship that you promised to your spouse, and you did that without her consent. That's what makes it an affair. A secret affair. Well, maybe not too secret, but well, deceptive.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Complexity said:


> You cheated on her so you have no right to make any demands. From your tone however I sense you're not really in love with her otherwise you would be doing anything possible to please her and amend your actions..


If this is my H as I think it is (I'm a literature major and can recognize both a story and its author just on the semantics and the aura...) you are right. He is not in love with anyone but himself. Now he is missing his 'source'. 

I appreciate your replies, even if I am mistaken about identity.
That would seriously surprise me. But don't cut him off, let him hang out and learn. I think there is a lot said around here about BPD, splitting (in the psychological term), narcissim, and just plain out psychopathic cheating mentality. Then, there are the abusers. More or less the same. 

The 26 letters in the English language can't create enough stories to hide a mentality of a woman hater. The feeling just comes through too strong. Lack of love is a very good and intuitive assessment. Love is something that comes through loud and clear, even without words. This guy does seem sorry, but only for himself. He lacks insight and is scraping the bottom of the barrel, having had the cream on the top and curdled it in his acid.

Dude, OP guy, get help. 
I'd be real interested to hear what your girlfriends said.
Or did they hang up on you?

I hope this post doesn't get me banned.
It wouldn't matter since I filed for divorce yesterday.
It's probably time for me to move on, but I have been hanging out some more reading some of the abuse stories so that I don't forget it wasn't just me that this happened to. What a prize this post was. OP, I really apologize if you are not my husband after all, but take it from me, you SOUND just like him, and because of that, I am very sure that you need some serious help. I do not think you were ready for marriage, if you are honest with yourself you will see that you need to be able to take care of yourself without a woman. Not in a defensive, don't need them way, but in a wholesome way. When you can take care of yourself the way you would like your wife to take care of you (and I don't mean sexually), and do it well, really truly be your best friend and admire yourself even when you have to overcome obstacles (emotional ones), to go the distance for yourself emotionally and psychologically, then you are ready to swap that role with someone else who is similarly prepared. You don't get married to feel better about yourself or to succeed at something. You get married to share love you already possess in your life. 

I agree, with the poster I quoted, that you have cut yourself off from love. Someone in your past may have denied you the love you needed and wanted and deserved, and so you thought, well, I'm not worthy of it so I won't even give it to myself. Right when you most needed it, too. I'd suggest you find a way to stop doing that. Getting by is not the same as really making a commitment to yourself. If you had made that commitment, you would not have gone off looking to discarded or dumped-by girlfriends for comfort. You would have sat down to have a chat with yourself. 

ps your psychic fly is unzipped.


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> If this is my H as I think it is (I'm a literature major and can recognize both a story and its author just on the semantics and the aura...) you are right. He is not in love with anyone but himself. Now he is missing his 'source'.
> 
> I appreciate your replies, even if I am mistaken about identity.
> That would seriously surprise me. But don't cut him off, let him hang out and learn. I think there is a lot said around here about BPD, splitting (in the psychological term), narcissim, and just plain out psychopathic cheating mentality. Then, there are the abusers. More or less the same.
> ...


I'm so sorry homemaker. It sounds like you married a boy not a man, you deserve better. Good luck.


----------



## gr10 (Jan 7, 2012)

Some pretty harsh stuff on here, but i guess thats to be expected. I am 24, and in no way perfect. as a matter of fact I'm a very poor husband and my wife deserves better. But she loves me none the less for some reason and I am taking steps to fix myself so I can be a better person for her. I reached out on this forum blindly because Im not really sure what I'm looking for. When I say girlfriends (plural) I mean girls that have been my friends since high school. Some of them I fooled around with but never turned into anything. My wife is 7 years older, and yes she did mary a boy and our relationship has been very juvenile by my own doing. We were together 6 months (dating) before she got pregnant. She had been married previously and the doctor told her she was not able to have kids. She was married a year without ever becoming pregnant by her previous husband. She assured me she could not be pregnant and did not want me to wear a condom. After we found out she was pregnant I felt i needed to do the right thing and marry her. Unfortunately at 20 i was not mentally ready (or financially) ready to support a wife and kids and i resented the whole experience and she knew it. It set the ground work for many years of problems to come and i feel like I have probably done more damage to her self esteem then I can ever truely fix. I am a very selfish person, its a personality trait I'm trying to overcome but its been difficult. I have made lots of mistakes in our marriage and i guess I'm just trying to get some none bias perspective on the situation. Obviously the real answer to our marriage problems are in counseling which we have been doing as money permits. Also, to whom it may concern in the future perhaps the replies could be lent more toward the constructive side?


----------



## I_Will_Survive (Oct 28, 2011)

gr10 said:


> ... and I have sought out comfort by talking to ex-girlfriends. ...


That does not sound like friends who happen to be women. That sounds like women you used to date. [Just to let you know.]

But I agree. There are people on this forum who can get very forceful about their views. We're all hurting, here. Take it all with "a grain of salt."


----------



## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

gr10 said:


> So.. how can i repair the damage done, but still maintain my sense of dignity and not become a whipping post?


You're either all in or you're not. If you love this woman and want a life with her, forget trying to hold on to superiority. You're not going to become a whipping post just by admitting your own wrong-doing. What you did hurt your wife; whether or not you see it as hurtful, it was. But, you're trying so hard to protect your own pride that you are not willing to give what it takes to make this marriage work. That's my opinion.

You cheated. You have to make up for it. It doesn't make you evil or cursed and it doesn't mean you have to tattoo a scarlet letter on your forehead, but it means that you have to make up for the trouble you caused and just accept responsibility for your actions, however inadvertently hurtful and however lacking in malicious intent they were. If you make this into a contest about who wins or loses, then the marriage dies.

You'd maintain some dignity if you'd stop making excuses for your actions and just own up to them. I know you won't like hearing it, but that is what you are doing. You're saying, "well, what's the minimum that I can concede and still get what I want?" and that does not show true commitment; it seems selfish and immature (I'm sorry to say) and I think you need to think long and hard about this problem because otherwise, you're going to do it again simply because you don't seem to understand what you have done.

I'm not trying to attack you, just to tell you what I am seeing in your own post. I wish you luck and I hope that you're opening your mind to think about this situation from both sides because otherwise you're not going to be able to salvage anything.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

OP, this post was very helpful to me even though you're not my H. :-o
I woke up at 4 a.m. when the pieces of things he said to me and things he has done and things his sisters have said and done, gave me a picture of the truth that he was sexually abused, manipulated and tormented by his sisters and possibly other girls, and neglected by his mother and father, in his childhood. So I gained an understanding of where his behavior comes from. It's still violent, but I gained some ground in not taking it personally, and to me knowing where violence comes from, rather than having it randomly affect someone out of the blue (!) is important in reducing my general fear and anxiety about people. That includes men and women both.

I was going to ask you if there was anything in your childhood or history that would make you feel controlled by women? Or to not have any sense of personal, authentic power, self-esteem, confidence, whatever you want to call it. Even if you had relationship abuse, even minor, in your high school dating experience, this can affect the way you relate to your wife. Unknown to your consciousness, against your strongest desire to be otherwise. Pay attention to impulses. I commend you highly for admitting that you need control, that you FEEL as though you are being controlled. Well, the woman's body certainly has a lot of control over even its owner, I can tell you that much! As a woman, I have struggled to understand my own reproductive powers, the effect of the lunar cycles and how when you are with other women as a group everyone gets in synch with their cycles, and when it's time to give birth, there is absolutely no control over that if you want to have things go right. Then there is lactation, releasing milk when a baby cries. Oh my goodness, a woman has all sorts of things to deal with just by having a normally healthy life, in terms of being controlled! She must come to grips with this, the forces of nature. That's why when a man marries her and is on her side, she feels reassured. To a woman, when a man feels controlled by her, she thinks, well, how is that so? By laws of nature I have so little control over my body to begin with, and once a baby is born, there are all sorts of psychological protective measures that make a woman nurture, attentive. You don't seem to own your own thoughts for a while when there's a baby around. You certainly can't (OR SHOULDN'T, LOL) control when a baby poops or gets hungry or wants to wake up and make sure his adults are still there at 2 a.m.) Then there are all the laws about child seats and immunizations and well child checks that are required more or less of new mothers (fathers too but the mother's usually held accountable). 

Now there are two entities in your house that have control. Both of whom are looking to you for assurance. Neither of whom have time for the BS created by you looking outside your family unit for comfort! Dude, if you're scared of losing control of your life when you get married and have a kid, join the crowd. The right person to cling to is your wife. I guarantee you she's more scared than you are. And the kid, well, it's okay not to know everything. People will help if you say you need it. But first you have to decide what is off limits in terms of help, that is shooting yourself in the foot.

You are astute to come to get advice about getting help.
Now you can see where this can lead.
The pregnancy surely was blindsiding. I can see how that could feed into a sense of loss of control. Hopefully you two will take measures in future for planned parenthood. 

There is a book that will be helpful for you to read, it's called 'Not Just Friends'. And thank you very much for taking what I had to say because it gave me invaluable insight into where the danger in my stbxh arises. If you think there is any possibility that you might have been abused in any way by a woman or a girl in your past, or by a man for that matter, the time to get help is now. I think abuse of men and boys is probably more common than we as a society care to admit. :-(

Do not let this progress. Therapy is time consuming but your marriage is worth it. You can get the kind of fulfilment from your life that you can't even begin to imagine. And look how young you are. You have had a rough start but there are so many years in your future together. The time to be healthy is now, not later.

There are many ways to establish healthy control and authentic power both for you, your wife, and your marriage/your couple, and for your little one as he/she grows. Sneakiness and controlling what another person knows about your personal life, in a marraige, only diminishes control and authentic power. It does not enhance it. That is why you feel confused. You got power, but it was not the kind of power and control you really wanted. I would not turn to ex-gf's for advice. They are women, but if they are nice women, they might be too nice, and not understand where to draw the line with you, especially if you come across as desperate and scared and needy. Then they will secretly resent you and hate themselves for putting them in the position of being confidant and getting their hopes up that they might resume a relationship with you, or making them feel guilty in their current relationships. You don't really want to be that kind of guy, do you? This is why there are therapists, or even moms and dads or aunts and uncles or mentors that you can talk to about these things. In real life is better, but in the meantime, be persistent here. Bark is worse than bite. Nobody invests time here except in seeking something better for themselves, without unnecessarily throwing away marriges made with good intentions.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

gr10 said:


> We were together 6 months (dating) before she got pregnant. She had been married previously and the doctor told her she was not able to have kids. She was married a year without ever becoming pregnant by her previous husband. She assured me she could not be pregnant and did not want me to wear a condom. After we found out she was pregnant I felt i needed to do the right thing and marry her. Unfortunately at 20 i was not mentally ready (or financially) ready to support a wife and kids and i resented the whole experience and she knew it.
> 
> 
> > Let's go with your feeling of being controlled and distant.
> ...


----------

