# Waste of time or should I hold on?



## Jef33 (Apr 21, 2013)

I'm 28 and have been married for almost two years. I absolutely love my husband but I'm having a hard time between his mother and his son. 

Ok, so here's the scoop... first off my husband has full custody of his son because his mother took him out of the country many years ago. He might have been sexually molested, were not sure. He has touched his cousin on more then ten occasions but he is a boy. He has also bullied a kid in the bathroom at school and not let him leave the toilet after going to the bathroom. I was very disgusted as well as my husband. I now have a daughter with my husband and she's almost a year. I am very scared his son will touch her. He has finally agreed to put him in counseling after our marriage therapist has said he thinks he could touch her without help from a licensed therapist. I was molested as a child so therefor I am definitely more protective over my daughter. Needless to say if he ever touches her, he won't ever come near her again and neither will my husband. 

My mother in law is another issue. I have gone out of my way to try to work on our relationship. I took her out for lunch twice and dinner once while I was planning our wedding. She doesn't include me in girl things with the family and when I ask to come hang out she says she's busy but then I find out my husbands sis in law was over there. I hate her with a passion and wish she wasn't around! 

So my question is... Is the a chance to work on our marriage or should I give up and move on? I do love this man but want him to understand his son has issues and he needs help.

Oh another thing, he does call me mom but that's when I was helping raising him, my husband has decided that he wants to say how he is raised not me so I asked for him to not call me mom cause I don't want my daughter to see it later and think its ok for her not to listen to me. 

Please help but be nice


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

There is no way that I could agree to having a step child in my house full time and have no say in how they're raised. 

As for the molestation issue, not all kids who have been abused go on to abuse others. A lot of therapy and firm boundaries will help tremendously. If you're not getting hubby's support on this, it would be a deal breaker for me.

The MIL thing? Eh, I don't need my MIL to be my buddy. It would have been nice but...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MyrnaLoy (Apr 23, 2013)

I agree with TCSRedhead. The MIL situation doesn't sound like a big deal--just let go of the idea that you should be friends with her.

The stepson issues are more concerning. If he lives with you, then you and your husband should be coparenting him, at least to a certain extent. My husband is my daughter's stepfather and he gets a say with the house rules and she has to respect him, just like she respects me or any other adult in her life. Sure, he and I have had disagreements over discipline, but I think that is just how it works. You and your husband should talk and discuss the house rules that will be the same for your stepson and your daughter. Otherwise your family is just going to be really confusing for both of those kids--and you'll have lots of resentment. 

As for the abuse issue--I have no experience with that, but it would scare me too. How old is he?


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## Jef33 (Apr 21, 2013)

I don't want to be friends with my mil at all, my husband just wants us to be in the same room and we can't.

My step son is 7 1/2. 

Today we had therapy and he yelled at the therapist and said he's wrong and I'm manipulating him to think that I am the perfect wife and he is wrong, which if he listened to me I said I was in the wrong and we both need to learn to stop yelling but he took it as I was attacking him and so was the therapist. He walked out half way through and said he's done with therapy and haven't heard from him since. I don't know what I should do at this point. I really think he needs mental help but how do I go about that and I don't want him to have my daughter cause I think he's mentally unstable at this point. 

I feel stuck in a hard situation!!!


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

If he's walking out on therapy, then he's walking out on helping your marriage. You can't do it alone.

So I think you have your answer.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

You can't force someone to fix a broken relationship. He either wants to or he doesn't. Listen (don't interrupt, argue or try to defend) to what he is saying about his perception of your behaviors and actions and see if there is any shred of truth in it. 

Sometimes, we don't really have the chance to see ourselves through someone else's eyes because we're trying to make them see ourselves as we do.


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## Jef33 (Apr 21, 2013)

Thanks everyone. Well I got an email yesterday saying papers will be in the mail.


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

See a lawyer ASAP, in particular about the concerns you have about your daughter and your stepson....your worries are very valid and you will need advice on what you can impose on visitation, etc.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Borrow as much money as you can, to ensure you get the best lawyer possible. His family is messed up, and you need to protect your daughter.


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## Jef33 (Apr 21, 2013)

I don't have any money and my parents don't have money to spend either. Does anyone know how I can get a pro bono lawyer or someone that could help? I'm stuck and don't want my daughter around them if they are going to continue to allow the touching between kids. I did see a lawyer yesterday and said I need to file ASAP then call cps and let them take it from there.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you can't afford a lawyer then you need to go the criminal route - CPS, records, etc. Get a spiral notebook (so you can't add pages) and start at the beginning and put an entry for each incidence you've heard of, date stamped, including anything that SS has done to you or your D, and anything your H has done. Keep sterling records. ANY tiime either of you is threatened in any way, no matter how slight, call the police or file a report. Start a legal trail of the issues so the court has no choice but to keep them away.


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## Jef33 (Apr 21, 2013)

I have emails proving a lot of stuff and recordings as well. I've wrote emails to myself whenever we have fraught showing I sent them the day it happened. Hopefully that will help.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Make sure that any event, no matter how small, that could require the help of the police or other government entity (CPS, etc.), you DO call them and start creating a paper trail that is NOT just your hearsay.


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## Jef33 (Apr 21, 2013)

Ok, will do. I'm just afraid of what they might make up to get back to me. Although the therapist knows too, so maybe they might not know its me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's why you notify the authorities. We've had CPS called out on us twice (thanks, stepmom), and nothing came of it. But at least they DID check the claims out! Plus, it leaves a record somewhere. If I understand you correctly, you are saying this boy fondles his cousin, yes? And they allow it? I'd be calling CPS ANYWAY, whether he touches YOUR daughter or not.


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## Jef33 (Apr 21, 2013)

I believe it started off two and a half years ago with my as touching his cousin but now it's both touching each other but not sure who starts it. He is almost 2 years older then his cousin. My husband blames the cousin and says its his fault and he starts it. He would get so upset with therapist when he brought it up and curse at him and say you don't know my son. He needs help to know its not right and that's what I've been trying to do the last year but then I was told not to have a say in how he is raised. I'm so scared of what might happen to me and my daughter. They've told me they know people that can take care of anything they tell them to meaning hurting someone. I know cps can't tell them but I'm sure they will think its me. I just wish he would sign over rights and leave us alone.


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## Jef33 (Apr 21, 2013)

Stepson*


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Who KNOWS about these cousins touching each other?

And if you're at the point where you are literally fearing for your life, you need to get the hell out of there. Find the closest women's shelter, and ask them for help. They can help you move away so he can't find you.


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## Jef33 (Apr 21, 2013)

I moved in with my brother two months ago because they told me they were going to sell the house but then my husband moved back in and they aren't selling anymore.(in laws own the home). 


My husband, mil, fil, brother and sister in law have all found them doing stuff. At first it was touching wiener to wiener(have emails to back that up). Then it was butt to butt, then pulling down each others pants, then putting butt in each others face. 

We were afraid that when the mom took him to the other country he might have been sexual abused or seen something. He was in therapy for the first year he came back but he continued to touch and do stuff and then the incident with the kid at the school happened and I told my husband that he needed help and he said ok but never did anything and then said its normal behavior for kids to play around with each other. 

If this was another kid they all would be disgusted but because its there golden boy he can do no wrong and they make excuses. My mil told him it wasn't his fault and it was the schools fault for not watching him and now all of a sudden my ss says the other kid made it up.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have YOU gone to the school to let them know how far it's gone? If you do, the school will have to report them and you'll be off the hook until you can figure out how to have the backbone you need to leave.


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## Jef33 (Apr 21, 2013)

I plan to call cps myself as soon as I file for divorce or get the papers. The lawyer I saw said you need to wait till after I file or get papers to show you've done everything you can to work on the marriage and give your husband the benefit of the doubt but now we are divorcing your concern for the kids needs to be addressed.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sounds good! I'm sorry it's come to this, but you just can't deal with this much danger. I worry, though, how will you protect your daughter? Without solid proof, he'll get partial custody.


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## Jef33 (Apr 21, 2013)

I have emails from my husband to my ss old therapist and emails from my sister inlay saying she caught them doing stuff. I hope the judge will at least do supervised if he gives him any custody. I'm breast feeding so I hope also that helps.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok, that sounds better. Good luck.

It still wouldn't hurt for you to visit some authorities in this area, so you can become more knowledgeable in your rights and the legalities.


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## Jef33 (Apr 21, 2013)

Thank you for your help!


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