# Did she really cheat or make it up?



## Babbage (Jan 2, 2013)

Hi all

I have been with my wife to be for almost 12 years. We have lived together for most of that time.

In January last year we had a trial separation for 3 months, we since moved back in together after that time. About 3 weeks into the separation, she rung me and said would i still come back if i had been with someone else? I said all i wanted was to be back with you and try again. A short while later she told me she had a one night stand in 2005, during a spell where we lived apart during another few months of separation. I took it in and said ok it was 6 years ago, we can put it behind us. So the call ended shortly afterwards. An hour or so later she phoned and asked " What if it had of been more recent? " She then went on to explain she met someone in November 2010 at there house, had dinner ended up in bed but then felt guilty and never went the whole way through with it. She then asked me if i remember a night she came home very grumpy? I said yes. She said now you know why. I really got upset at this one and cried and hung up. 

A few days later she met me and explained she had just made it all up to hurt me and prove i wanted her. 

I was very relieved at the time but to this day it still haunts me. Did she make it up or did it really happen and she regrets telling me after the mess it put me in? For it to be false it all seems a bit too detailed.

Any thoughts would be appreciated

Thanks


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

You've got a double-edged sword there, Babbage! There's "confessions" _per se _about betraying you by sleeping with another man, not just once, but multiple times.

Then there's the sudden retraction of that confession.

So she hurt you with the infidelity confession, whether legitimate or not, of the betrayal. Then she told you it was all a lie. The "recanting" also lays the groundwork for deception as it allowed her to see you wallow in all of your hurt and pain. From what you've said thusfar, my gut intuition tells me that there was a far greater liklihood of infidelity on her part~ the recanting, all too often, is just emblematic of her mantra of "cake-eating." Now it would appear that her second thoughts are pretty much richly governed by the thoughts that she may ultimately be losing a very good thing in you, a "meal ticket," so to say!

So if your intent is to stay with this woman, then you are both hereby advised to get into some serious marriage counseling to get to the overall root of her projection of betrayal, whether it is from an actual act of infidelity on her part, or perhaps just her incessant lying about it!

Neither one of them bodes well for you! I wish you well!


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Something is wrong with your wife.
She has a very skewed perception of you and what a marriage is.
Seems to me she has you under her thumb.
You are in love with her,
But is she in love with you?

If her latest " story" of infidelity is true, what are you going to do about it?
I think she " perceives " you aren't going to do anything about it.
You need to change that perception .


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I think that you should think about this long and hard.

If she did sleep with someone else while you were together. is that a deal breaker for you?

If it is, you need to know the truth. Ask her to take a polygraph as a condition a for continuing with the engagement.

BTW, you may have been exposed to STDs so you should get a full workup


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## Babbage (Jan 2, 2013)

Hi all thanks for the replies so far

I did get checked in June last year and was all clear 

I try to get any truth out of her but she denies it still.... Often getting a bit mouthy or stating that she knows i did it to her when she knows no such thing!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She nailed another man in late 2010 and/or Spring, 2011. She asked you this question during the separation either right after she had committed this adultery or right before. She then brought up this 2005 jazz as a deflector, admitting to something she perceived as not as bad and the real crime. Criminals do this all the time during questioning. She brought the subject up and had nothing to gain by doing so. Now, she knows you're upset about it. She now has a real motive to lie. Who's idea was it to separate? The separation was for 3 months, starting in January 2011? She already slept with this guy two months earlier? If the separation was her idea, wouldn't it make sense that she wanted the separation so she could spend time with this new guy? When it didn't work out, she came back to you. Sounds like a brief affair more than a one-night indiscretion.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

It sounds like she WANTS to leave you, but she wants you to walk out on her, so that you can be the bad guy.

Face it bud, if she's going to manipulate your emotions like this, what ELSE will she make up?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

According to her redaction, she admitted this wrong simply to hurt you and prove you wanted her. That doesn't make sense in the context of her admission. She didn't come out and admit anything. She tested the water first and asked if you'd end the marriage if she had cheated. You told her you would not and then she makes this admission. If she wanted to know your commitment toward her, just asking the hypothetical question should have satisfied that. Didn't sound like an angry conversation, so why would she want to hurt you at that moment? If hurting you was the goal, wouldn't it have been more effective to just come out and tell you she'd been nailing some other guy and maybe throw in some gory details? Maybe tell you how much better this other guy was in bed than you? That'd be the logical way to hurt a guy. Her admission sounds exactly like someone feeling very guilty and fearful of the consequences. It was given out piecemeal and only after she got the assurance that you wouldn't leave. Even then, you didn't get the real truth at first. She tested the water again. Once she saw you didn't completely freak out, finally, she gave you a little more. I seriously doubt you still have anything more than partial truth from her.


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## homebuilder (Aug 25, 2012)

Seems either way she is a cold hearted b!tch


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

I'm in agreement with Unbelievable, sounds like your the back up plan


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

She's telling the truth. She cheated on you.

She only recanted when she saw how badly it hurt you.

It IS too detailed for it to be false.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Two words....polygraph test


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

Just for the record, forgiving her for sleeping around does not prove that you want her. It proves that you have no self-respect.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> Something is wrong with your wife.
> She has a very skewed perception of you and what a marriage is.
> Seems to me she has you under her thumb.
> You are in love with her,
> ...


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

I'm afraid that the chances of this being made up are next to zero due to the way you've described it unfolding.

At one time I was left in limbo with a recanted admission so I know how difficult it can be.

She's being extremely manipulative and it's pretty clear that she thinks you are weak and stupid. You need to show her that you are neither. You can't do anything until you get to the truth and that requires convincing her of the importance of the truth.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Polygraph is the only way to go if she wants to continue the engagement

If I were in your shoes, I would demand she take a poly or break off the engagement. You're lucky because since you're not married she can't take half your sh!t!


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## Babbage (Jan 2, 2013)

She won't do any kind of tests. I'd probably end up with my bags packed for good if i suggested that.

Other things that are happening recently that i never added previously, are that if she is on the laptop on Facebook, as soon as i walk in the page changes or closes. Plus i leave my phone lying around the house, nothing to hide, she has to carry it everywhere.

I have considered leaving her to get the truth, to see if she will fight for me. Or i feel like making some crap up and saying i cheated on her to see if she hits me back.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Married twelve years and had at least two periods of separation and during both she ended up in the rack with another guy. Those are the adulteries we know about. No telling what else is out there. Some arrangements are just a bigger pain in the butt than they are worth. I understand every relationship requires forgiveness and sacrifice, but it shouldn't be endless misery, suspicion, and chores. Twelve years is plenty of time to figure out which side or your toast is buttered. She still seems confused on that point. Even if she looked like Jennifer Lopez and came equipped with a surgically implanted joy buzzer between her legs, I doubt she'd be worth the hassle.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

She confessed and feels guilty. She regrets confessing and wants to take it back.

People who cheat constantly lie. I would not give her another chance. She confessed to two affairs which all in all makes her a serial cheater. She'll cheat in the future, especially if she can get away with it.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Babbage said:


> She won't do any kind of tests. I'd probably end up with my bags packed for good if i suggested that.
> 
> Other things that are happening recently that i never added previously, are that if she is on the laptop on Facebook, as soon as i walk in the page changes or closes. Plus i leave my phone lying around the house, nothing to hide, she has to carry it everywhere.
> 
> I have considered leaving her to get the truth, to see if she will fight for me. Or i feel like making some crap up and saying i cheated on her to see if she hits me back.


So you are going to put your tail between your legs because she will pack your bags? I guess the relationship means more to you than it does to her right? That means she is in control and has already neutered you. You don't seem to understand how this should be going. You are the one who was betrayed. You are the one who cannot trust her. You are the one who should be packing your bags. She is the one who should be begging for you to stay. If she's not then you don't have a relationship. Move on and find someone trustworthy.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Babbage said:


> Hi all
> 
> I have been with my wife to be for almost 12 years. We have lived together for most of that time.
> 
> ...


Nope, she didn't make it up. She specifically remembered coming home grumpy and you did, too. This kind of specific detail is usually lacking in made up scenarios.


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## Babbage (Jan 2, 2013)

I know she does lie about things. For example, a few months after meeting her she told me she was BI for a few months in her teens. A couple of weeks later she said it was not true. I later found out she was worried she would want me to see her with another woman. This came up again last year. After a couple of drinks i just asked her. She said she had sex with 3 different women in the space of 3 years. I got 3 very different stories of how they all came about. One woman i thought maybe, but 3? If you were making it up would you really say 3?

Anyway, a few days later she, yes, denied it all then a few days later she said she had done it once but was not to keen on it.

Again, she later denied it. So this is why i wonder if she did actually make the affairs up?

It's so confusing!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

She greatly sounds like an habitual liar to me, on top of being a cheater! 

Now is that really something that you want to hold your relationship hostage to? I didn't think so!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Beware anyone who lies even when there's no reason to.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Hiding the phone action and the facebooking? She's probably got multiple affairs going on right now. As she sees it, you're okay with it.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Hiding the phone action and the facebooking? She's probably got multiple affairs going on right now. As she sees it, you're okay with it.


She's acting like a very skilled manipulator.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

"She won't do any kind of tests. I'd probably end up with my bags packed for good if i suggested that."

Your future and your quality of life will be determined by someone you can't trust? People are only able to do to us that which we allow. In any negotiation, the one willing to walk away wins. I want my marriage to last forever and I doubt anyone tries harder to make a marriage work. Still, there are things I will not abide. There are behaviors I won't tolerate. I believe everything works better when those involved understands the rules. I'm sure your wife has deal-breakers of her own. Does she know what your's are?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> A few days later she met me and explained she had just made it all up to hurt me and prove i wanted her.


:rofl:

Mate, she's either EXTREMELY stupid, or that you are completely under her spell and she knows, or she did cheat and is covering it up.

Personally, I think it's all 3
Unless of course you are going to do nothing, then she's clever alright, cheat left right and center and her husband won't do sh-t.

And come on, stop crying in front of her.


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## Babbage (Jan 2, 2013)

I set about testing the water yesterday a bit.

She was on a 4 hour shift at work yesterday that a short while after getting up turned into a 6 hour shift. When 6pm finishing time arrived, i never heard from her until 6:35pm where she said her team leader wanted a private chat. So what sits in my gut is that she did actually finish at 4pm as originally planned and went elsewhere? 

There is the odd other time when she goes out longer than usual but it is not excessive. 

I confronted her about this fella on Facebook she seems to talk to daily after work. She insisted that nothing was going off that i was being daft, and kept saying things like " He's a right low life as if " or yeah right have you seen him? " 



So it could just be me being paranoid.........


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Babbage said:


> I set about testing the water yesterday a bit.
> 
> She was on a 4 hour shift at work yesterday that a short while after getting up turned into a 6 hour shift. When 6pm finishing time arrived, i never heard from her until 6:35pm where she said her team leader wanted a private chat. So what sits in my gut is that she did actually finish at 4pm as originally planned and went elsewhere?
> 
> ...


You want to head over to the coping with infidelity section? You better believe it. She's cheating and giving you the script. I say go file before you confront her or perhaps you don't even need to, just file and be done with her. She's cheated on you before.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Babbage said:


> I know she does lie about things. For example, a few months after meeting her she told me she was BI for a few months in her teens. A couple of weeks later she said it was not true. I later found out she was worried she would want me to see her with another woman. This came up again last year. After a couple of drinks i just asked her. She said she had sex with 3 different women in the space of 3 years. I got 3 very different stories of how they all came about. One woman i thought maybe, but 3? If you were making it up would you really say 3?
> 
> Anyway, a few days later she, yes, denied it all then a few days later she said she had done it once but was not to keen on it.
> 
> ...


I dated a girl like this once....ONCE!!!!!

And I wasn't the best looking, most romantic guy with buttloads of money or drive the "right" car, but I had enough SELF RESPECT to know that I wasn't going to put up with a conniving person like that again.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

So it could just be me being paranoid.........[/QUOTE]

And will you STOP blaming yourself for this? Like all abusers (physical, emotional, financial), this is what she is counting on, and you are giving her exactly that!


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Babbage said:


> Hi all
> 
> I have been with my wife to be for almost 12 years. We have lived together for most of that time.
> 
> ...


I hope you don't have children.

She's a serial cheater who lies so much, she can't keep her lies straight. She enjoys all your "trial separations" as a free pass to cheat.

I'm sorry but she's a hot mess. If you want to stay married, you need serious marriage counseling.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Let me guess. These separations are her idea?

Seems interesting. She separates...has an affair then takes you back...HMMMMM


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> Let me guess. These separations are her idea?
> 
> Seems interesting. She separates...has an affair then takes you back...HMMMMM


You wouldn't want her to see herself as a _cheater_ would you?


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