# Financial Infidelity



## lonely73 (Jun 27, 2011)

I posted this on the Divorce/Separation Board and I just learned about this board. I'm hoping someone here may have helpful suggestions. 

In the 12 years we've been together, I've never snooped. Well last week my curiosity got the best of me and I went through H's emails. He always seemed to have money yet I couldn't figure out where it was coming from. Well know I have a better idea.

- He's maxxed out 2 credit cards (relatively low limits 1000k and 300, but we just filed bankruptcy less than a year ago)
- He sold a very expensive watch that was given to him by a now deceased family member for half of it's value (5k)
- He took out a personal signature loan (I don't know the amount but his email to a friend asking for a loan to pay the signature loan off said the loan was at 29.99% interest and he was asking for 1700)
- Sold another watch for $450 (i didn't even know he had this watch - have no idea where it came from)
- Sold a camcorder that I bought him - explains why he couldn't find it when I ask him about it so we could use it on vacation.

All of this occurred in the last 3 months and it definitely explains why he always seems to have money to buy things and why I can't figure out where it is coming from (when I ask he always has some story - he got a great deal or the item was "free", "given" to him etc. - his luck seemed to good to be true hence the reason I finally broke down and snooped.)

I also discovered that he did the following:

Applied for an Auto loan on 6/2 and 6/14 for a 2009 BMW (I assume he was not approved as I have not seen a new car appear - he has bought 3 cars in the past without telling me beforehand). 

- He also made multiple expensive purchase (a new Bose headset in April for $350, new iphone, new philip stein watch, etc.)
- Got new credit card in March that he did not discuss with me first or tell me about until it came it and he started using it.

Now what? Whenever I try to discuss issues around money he says he doesn't want to talk about money. I feel completely betrayed and am worried he is going to take us right back to bankruptcy. 

Does anyone have any suggestions on how I should approach this since the information was discovered by snooping? I know he will be angry but I feel that I have every right to be angry and feel justified in my actions given his unwillingness to discuss our finances.


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## lonelyman (Jun 28, 2011)

Snooping or not, you have a right to know these things
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PealedBannana (Jun 9, 2011)

My wife did the same thing to me. I can't fet over the trust issue and she too like tour husband only will say enough to "keep the peace".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

Counseling is probably the best thing. Seems like the financial issue runs deep and is not new. Maybe a counselor can help him see how his decisions affect the family and marriage as a whole (if he cares about these things and not just himself.) This is also permanantly damaging because no one should be making these types of bad financial decisions. I don't know if you are making sacrifices to keep you all out of bankruptcy and other financial trouble but you may want to mention that to him, because its not fair to you. 

Personally, if there was any money that I brought in I don't think any of that would be going toward his horrible spending habits. I believe my money is our money but I don't believe its there to be abused. 

Now what? Whenever I try to discuss issues around money he says he doesn't want to talk about money. I feel completely betrayed and am worried he is going to take us right back to bankruptcy.


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

I am going thru the same thing. My husband as used up all our cash so our expenses were then put on my credit. (his credit was bad and I repaired it for him, in the meantime he ruined my credit!) I am about 60k in debt and have to file for bankruptcy. I am sad. I have tried to cope telling myself that i am young and I can recoup fast. But now he is doing it again. This time he is spending all our money on himself without CC's. In one way there is a positive change because he hasnt used a CC. But in the end I dont have any money to take care of my needs or my childrens. Im upset, depressed and angry. I love him but I dont know how much more I can take. I also caught him texting an old friend (he used to screw with) and he locked me out of our cellphone bill account to punish me for snooping. Im so upset and he refuses to get me back on. Im at a point where i want to leave him but i love him and I want to make it work. I just dont want to be miserable my whole life before I realize he is a selffish ass***. Pleas some one helop


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## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

Cut off the access to the money. Let him spend up all his money only. If he wants to be irresponsible and spend his half of the bill money, well, I guess the utilities get cut off, I guess they send you all get an eviction notice. You and the kids may have to go stay with family (if you can.) He has to realize that he has a family he is responsible for and his irresponsibility actually has consequences. Men don't always respond to how things affect women emotionally (you being sad and depressed), but he will respond when he is about to be without a home and on the street. Its not only your responsibility to keep up the home. Just my thoughts. 



mishu143 said:


> I am going thru the same thing. My husband as used up all our cash so our expenses were then put on my credit. (his credit was bad and I repaired it for him, in the meantime he ruined my credit!) I am about 60k in debt and have to file for bankruptcy. I am sad. I have tried to cope telling myself that i am young and I can recoup fast. But now he is doing it again. This time he is spending all our money on himself without CC's. In one way there is a positive change because he hasnt used a CC. But in the end I dont have any money to take care of my needs or my childrens. Im upset, depressed and angry. I love him but I dont know how much more I can take. I also caught him texting an old friend (he used to screw with) and he locked me out of our cellphone bill account to punish me for snooping. Im so upset and he refuses to get me back on. Im at a point where i want to leave him but i love him and I want to make it work. I just dont want to be miserable my whole life before I realize he is a selffish ass***. Pleas some one helop


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## lonely73 (Jun 27, 2011)

A quick update. I have changed my direct deposit so that it goes in my individual account and I write a check to him each pay period that is deposited into our joint account. We are also in marriage counseling (3 weeks now) and are working to try to find some common ground regarding our finances as well as other issues in our relationship. 

Recently I found out we owe his mom 5k on top of the 4k I already new about and have been saving for. She is expecting full payment by the end of next month - according to my husband. I brought this up in the counseling session and the counselor said to let H figure it out and to quit taking responsibility for the messes he causes... so that is what I'm going to do. We have the 4k to pay her back and he will have to talk to her and figure out repayment of the additional 5k. 

Another issue is that he takes too many exemptions for his taxes and we always end up owing large amounts of mony to the IRS. I made half of what he made last year (due to a leave of absense) yet I paid twice as much in taxes. We ended up owing 3500 to IRS. I have ask him to reduce his exemptions on multiple occasions yet he just doesn't follow through. We don't have any deductions since we lost our house and have no children. The solution - I will file taxed seperately. This has reduced my stress level significantly. Now if we can keep him from spending money in our joint account so we can actually save something.


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## wantfreedom (Jul 10, 2015)

This whole thread makes me cry. I can relate to what everyone is saying! My husband of 17 yrs is also committing financial infidelity, always has. Secrets. Things I suspect but he won't admit to. I have the squeaky clean credit, never carry a credit card balance, never owe nothing to anyone. I haven't a clue of the depth of his debt. He goes to great lengths to hide it, but I see his generous spending and the multiple credit cards in his name, answer calls from creditors looking for him but they won't talk to me because I'm not authorized to. It is getting closer and closer to him drawing me into debt to keep our house running (which is in my name to keep it safe). I won't bail him out except sometimes I have to in order to protect myself / property. I've saved for my own retirement but will have to support this adult child who didn't care to take responsibility. My future looks so bleak and sad to me instead of happily looking forward to it. I'm angry and disgusted and daily sad and teary now.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

wantfreedom,

If you would like some support, please start your own thread. This is a zombie thread (old & dead). So I'm locking the thread.


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