# Not sure what to do...one sided marriage.



## Corpuswife

Another post by me....I am waffling on what-to-do with my marriage of 24 years. My husband, as some of you know, spilled the I love you but no longer in love with you beans. No affairs, no abuse just no longer into the marriage and wants to be alone. This has been going on since Oct. I have tried everything; individual counseling; marital counseling; self help books; begging; etc. Nothing has worked. He still wants a divorce but did nothing until now. In May, I told him "I couldn't stand the pain (his/mine) and was going to leave but not file for the divorce." That was his job to do...I don't want it.

I went on a trip to Chicago for a week and had time to think and accepted some advice from my sister in law and brother in law. I decided to come home and tell him that I wasn't moving out after all and told him my reasons. 

After a week or more....nothing has changed. He still wants to move forward to the divorce. 

Now, I am back (in my mind) to thinking that I can't endure the negative relationship anymore. I am getting beaten up (in my mind). Actually, we never fight and still love each other. It's that he states that he's 100% sure that he wants a divorce and is unhappy. He a very good guy but I feel depressed. I want to stick by our marriage but nothing has changed since Oct.

Should I continue to stay until he makes his move toward divorcing (seeking housing/meeting with attorney) or should I make my own move and give him what he wants on my terms? 

I am so torn because I don't feel it's the marriage that is bothering him but I can't convince him otherwise. However, if I make the moves it's like I am throwing in the towel. 

It seems that I am stuck and waffling between hanging in there and making my own move. What to do?


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## Corpuswife

HELP! Do I stay and wait for him to "make the move" or do I go now.......Is there anything else that I can do????

Opinions????


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## Amplexor

If it were me, since there is no abuse, affairs or lack of respect, I would wait it out for now. Since he is not moving on this either so something is holding him back. Could be logistical, could be emotional. If you feel he is depressed, have you suggested he see someone for help. As for yourself, try reading Dobson’s “Love Must be Tough” I think that might be of help in your situation.


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## Corpuswife

Thanks Amplexor! 

I've been waffling for months regarding how to handle this...

I have read "Love must be Tough." 

Yes, I told him that I felt his was depressed....he said "yea, I am getting a divorce." I told him that he was STILL depressed. He has seen an individual counselor and I suppose that he still is??? 

Something is holding him back...a bit. However, I think it just might be a matter of time.


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## sisters359

Can you get him out? Tell it is too painful to be in the same house and he needs to "fish or cut bait." I think you should do whatever makes YOU feel better, however--if you want to get on with your life without him, then maybe file for divorce yourself--if you just want to get on with life and don't have strong feelings about filing, don't; just get him to separate from you and make sure the terms are as favorable to you as possible. Let him pay for as much as he will--you don't need to be worrying about expenses, etc., right now if you don't have to. 

Take care of yourself!


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## unhappy at home

I think if I were you, I would ask him to leave, if he is that certain that he wants a divorce then he should not be continuously hurting you by sticking around/
Who knows, if he moves out, maybe the realization of what you mean to him will hit him like a ton of bricks and the real problem will become clear.

I hope things work out for you.


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## Corpuswife

Thanks for the input. I don't want the divorce. However, I am torn because he is staying and keep telling myself he must be here for a reason. His words tell me how he is 100% sure he wants a divorce. 

If he comes to leaving.....I want to be the one that leaves. I don't want the house. I'd rather have the cash. Plus, the memories for me would be too much (alone). I've told him this. 

I am hopeful that he will have a EUREKA moment! Something will put the spark of doubt in his mind. However, he says that he is sure. I've told him that I want him to stay with me to let time pass and pursue our marriage. I've told him that I think it not just the marriage that has him depressed it's something else. 

He's still sure that he wants this divorce.

I feel that I am taking a big risk, if I kick him out and he doesn't get the "wake up call." On the other hand nothing else has worked. I keep on thinking...maybe if I give it more time. However, it's been since Oct.

I am one big WAFFLE!!!! It is so hard when you love someone.


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## Cea Me

How long should you wait? Does not sound like he is being completly honest with you. No work affair? No guessing about his choice of sexual orienation? Mid-life crisis? He needs to man-up and not drag your self-esteem and heart through the mud. If he is not willing to communicate, empower yourself and take the steps to do what is right for you and the one and only life you are given, steps towards happiness. Be true to yourself, in the end that is what it totals up to be. Hugs to you!


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## Corpuswife

Update: He moved out this morning as we have decided to separate. Actually, it was my idea as he was racing toward the divorce. He hadn't thought of a separation until I brought it up? 

I've set the ground rules of our separation with his help. It seems that he wanted more contact. I want to let him feel like a real divorce is.....

Two weeks before, I have been using tough love based on Dr. Dobson's book When Love Must Be Tough. I have seen some positive gestures the last week. 

Now, that he is out of the house he will be left to wonder..."I wonder what she is doing." This is what I want. I am doing the chasing NO MORE!

This is not easy!

CEA: I have checked around (internet/cell phone log/) and his schedule hasn't changed. I have no reason to suspect any affair or sexual orientation thing. Sooooooo...


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## Amplexor

Corpuswife said:


> Now, that he is out of the house he will be left to wonder..."I wonder what she is doing." This is what I want. I am doing the chasing NO MORE!
> 
> This is not easy!.


Good for you Corpus. It isn’t easy but is seems to be the only course of action you have left. At a minimum if the marriage is truly over the love must be tough theory can help you with the emotional loss. Good to hear it generating some positive signs. Good luck and hang in there.


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## Corpuswife

I am thankful for this board and the imput of others. During this time, I have made an effort, to seek the support of others and to find new friends. It has helped a great deal in my journey. I'd recommend anyone to do this....As a married person, we had friends that we mutually liked. However, I've had a difficult time relating to those friends and sought new positive friends.

It truly is my last course of action Amplexor....We meet in one month to reevaluate the separation. I am almost preparing for him to say "I am done." I figure if I prepare for this....it won't hurt as much. Wishful thinking?


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## Amplexor

Unfortunately Corpus, when a relationship is in failure and the one trying to make it work hears the words “I’m done” it’s going to hurt like hell no matter how much you try and prepare for it. But it can also be bitter sweet because at least the decision is made and you can truly begin to focus on your life as you move forward. But based on your posts you have done all you can to repair and improve the situation. It was he that gave up and moved on without any real reason as to why as far as I can tell. While I am not a fan of placing time frames on these kinds of things, use your trial period to really explore the positives to time alone without him. Continue to engage with new friends, find or restart a hobby, read…. Move the focus from him and the marriage on to you. At this point he is in control so work on the things you can control. And continue on the tough love path, it might help in several ways. Good luck.


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