# How do I get my wife more interested??



## Drayvius (Nov 30, 2010)

Hello, I will try to make this quick as to not take up too much time. Me and my wife have plenty of sex, a few times a week. It keeps both of us happy, but I find myself wanting more. Not in sex, but other activities. I am a very visual person, I find the the visual aspect of sex is almost as good for me as the physical. I have approached my wife about a few things only to be shot down for just about all my ideas for spicing up our sex life. Toys, videos, anal, roleplaying, even having sex in the car or outside somewhere. No matter what I do she is only interested in having sex in bed, at night right before we go to sleep. I FINALLY managed to get her to use a toy with our sex but that is it. She did do a few pictures(no nudity) and a few short videos. I had thought that if she did a few videos and pics that she might see the effect that it had on me and open up a bit, but she didnt. Im just wondering if the things I am asking are too much, or too extreme?? I have tried talking to her, but right now am just unsure about how to get her to open up some. Anyone been in a similer situation or have any advice??

Dray


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I don't know how long you have been married, and I don't know how old your wife is. 

She might be shy. 

My husband is always exploring my body, we try different positions, he always tries to pay attention to positions I like. 

For example, one time while we were having sex, he started to rub his finger around my a$$hole, I didn't like it very much, it tickles, but I didn't reject it. Next time, he did the same thing, I actually enjoyed it, then after a few times outside, he started to insert his finger into my a$$hole, I was uncomfortable at the beginning, but then after some time, I started to enjoy it a lot, I moan when I am really excited, my husband can tell if I am excited or not from my moaning, now every time when we have sex, I want him to insert his finger into my a$$hole. We tried anal one day, it was too painful for me. But we will try it again since I like anal sensation now. 

For fun sex, I need a few days of rest, then I have the energy to do it. If I have sex every day, I don't have energy to try spicy stuff. 

If you want to try outdoor sex, find a place which is beautiful and peaceful, make sure there are no people around, fondle her, get her horny first, then see what happens next, magic might happen, but don't be disappointed if it doesn't happen. You still have a sweet wife, never make her feel bad that she isn't giving you enough, let her know that you are happy with her!!!


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

greenpearl, you are an open minded person when it comes to sex, which i applaud you for. alot of people arent and probably wont ever be no matter what their partner does. i am married to one of those and it appears the OP is too.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

I am trying to think back to my more repressed days to see if I can dredge up how my husband helped me to explore my funkier side. It was so slow and steady, there was no one thing. Here is what I would suggest.... 

If you haven't already goodled the five love languages and love bank stuff, do so. I don't see any reason why one would wait until there are problems... An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. When you make regular deposits in the love bank, the hope is she will feel the love and be amenable to wanting to please you.

Next start appealling to HER sexually and romantically to whatever degree you think she would like. Does she like massage? Rose pedals in bed? Whips? (Just kidding about the whips.) As you try new things, you are going to have to put on your thick skin. If she is repressed through religious or social training, she may get scared of your attempts and reject. It may feel like she is rejecting YOU. If you can be willing to accept that risk, that may be good.

Read Passionate Marriage. 

Amazon.com: Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships (9780393334272): David Schnarch: Books

Good luck!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

okeydokie said:


> greenpearl, you are an open minded person when it comes to sex, which i applaud you for. alot of people arent and probably wont ever be no matter what their partner does. i am married to one of those and it appears the OP is too.


okeydokie,

My attitude towards sex is so different that even I find myself puzzled all the time. :scratchhead:

I used to think that western people are very open minded about sex. 

I got that idea from movies. 

I guess I was fooled by movies. 

We often get fooled by movies.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> okeydokie,
> 
> My attitude towards sex is so different that even I find myself puzzled all the time. :scratchhead:
> 
> ...


There are so many different factors to the weirdness that is Western sexuality. Have you ever heard the expression "why buy the cow if the milk is free?" That is what I grew up with. The notion that someone sex is what he wants and I have to guard in order to make him do the horribly unpleasant thing of marrying me. Add to that the religious notion that sex is this nasty, dirty thing you only do with someone you really love... GAH! What a mess.

Bill Clinton DID have sex with that woman. BFD,


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## Drayvius (Nov 30, 2010)

Sorry was in a hurry this morning. We have been married for 3 years now. She is very shy. She still dosnt like me to look at her body. I have tried getting her to open up and have been unsucsessfull. We are still kinda young and I was hoping that the few videos and pics that I managed to get her to do, would get to open up and it didnt. I have done the romance and the rose pedals. This was kinda my last ditch effort to find some way of getting her to open up some.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

My wife used to be very shy and reserved.
It took a long, long time to get her to open up and she is still opening up.
Mostly it was compliments from me. Real compliments, not just "get in the sack" compliments.
You look really nice today.
You have such a cute figure. I wish your clothes would show a little more of it.
Honey, that blue shirt makes your eyes sparkle.
Dang you have a cute ass!
You look HOT!
I swear, 20 year old girls are jealous of your legs.

She eventually realized that she was not only pretty, but sexy.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> okeydokie,
> 
> My attitude towards sex is so different that even I find myself puzzled all the time. :scratchhead:
> 
> ...


GP, VT is pretty spot on about this. While I am open to all aspects of sex and have never turned down trying something once, many here have an aversion to sex because of religious doctrine. I think religion plays a HUGE roll in this. 
Please correct me if I am wrong but Eastern religion is much more about spirituality and less about hell and damnation. The East came up with the Kama Sutra for goodness sakes. Despite places like India and China being repressed about _talking_ about sex, it seems that there is not the sort of "shame" surrounding it as it is here, at least not by religious leaders. It is more seen as natural and normal and not perverse and deviant as many "leaders" here would have you believe. 
But hey, what do I know....I am Lutheran and we let lesbians in as ministers. LOL. Damn proud of it too.


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## Drayvius (Nov 30, 2010)

another question would be....how would one go about bringing this subject up and talking about it openly without it feeling like i would be pressuring her into doing something she doesnt want to do?


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Good question! I wonder if that would not be an open and honest thing to ask her.


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## Wantloveback (Nov 22, 2010)

Have you tried having one of those couples (toy) parties? I went to one w/ some of my friends and it made me look at things totally different.. I saw that "other people" are open to these things and it's okay to play w/ your husband. I totally suggest that!! It might not work, but who knows. Maybe look on the internet at some of those sites and see what she likes. 
I'm still working on the outside sex, but my h took me to a special spot and made me lunch and it just happend! Try some of those things. I hope this helps!


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## Drayvius (Nov 30, 2010)

Well, I am going to try to muster up the courage to talk to her tonight and see where the conversation goes.

While I am thinking thou...I pose another question.


okeydokie- you said that some people just never open up. 

So my question is this. How does one go about coping with these wants and desires to do different things with a spouse that doesnt??? I have looked at porn in the past to cool the desires, but there are a few problems with that. The first being that she doesnt want me to, and the other being that it seems as thou that would ultimatly end up causeing more problems long term.

Second question(from my original post) 

Are the things that I am asking for(Videos/pics, anal, toys, outside sex, roleplaying) too much?? Are they too far out there?? Or am I right in thinking that at least for the most part a lot of those are things that lots of other couples do??

Sorry if I am plugging up these boards. I have been mulling this stuff over in my head for a while and its great that I have manged to find a place to dump it all in adn get constructive feedback. Thats kinda why its all jumbled up and in multiple posts lol.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> There are so many different factors to the weirdness that is Western sexuality. Have you ever heard the expression "why buy the cow if the milk is free?" That is what I grew up with. The notion that someone sex is what he wants and I have to guard in order to make him do the horribly unpleasant thing of marrying me. Add to that the religious notion that sex is this nasty, dirty thing you only do with someone you really love... GAH! What a mess.
> 
> Bill Clinton DID have sex with that woman. BFD,


Chinese are reserved about sex too. 

Sex is a taboo topic in our daily life. 

Women are taught that being horny is not a good virtue. Only whxxes are horny. I used to feel guilty for being a whxxe. I don't feel guilty anymore, my husband talked me out of it. 

I don't understand why? Men like sex so much, they had been in control of the education, why didn't they teach women that sex is good and great? Why didn't they teach that sex is important to men? 

Some of those religious leaders are just xxxxxxxxx.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

when my h and i started having sex-we lived together, he thought like yea we've been together for 5 years now, why wont you do this why wont you do that? i wasnt ready, and i felt pressure to do what he wanted, and i didnt perform how he wanted.

so long story short, we talked about where we saw our selves in 6 months or even a year, and we talked about how i was open to do what he might like and he was more than willing to do what i liked.

he stopped pressureing me. we will elevate our sexual activity level, eventually. all good things in time. at first we didnt do pics or anything. but now pics, video, its all about trust, and talking out things before hand, reasurances that the evidence wil be in an safe place, and we even had a plan for a split.

hope this makes sense, and it helps


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Brennan said:


> GP, VT is pretty spot on about this. While I am open to all aspects of sex and have never turned down trying something once, many here have an aversion to sex because of religious doctrine. I think religion plays a HUGE roll in this.
> Please correct me if I am wrong but Eastern religion is much more about spirituality and less about hell and damnation. The East came up with the Kama Sutra for goodness sakes. Despite places like India and China being repressed about _talking_ about sex, it seems that there is not the sort of "shame" surrounding it as it is here, at least not by religious leaders. It is more seen as natural and normal and not perverse and deviant as many "leaders" here would have you believe.
> But hey, what do I know....I am Lutheran and we let lesbians in as ministers. LOL. Damn proud of it too.


In China, we are taught there are no gods. We are atheists. 

I was influenced by Christianity a lot since my professors in university were Christians from the US. Then I married my husband, he used to be a witness. Believe me, they teach you that masturbation is wrong, oral sex is wrong, all fun stuff is wrong. Only missionary is right, maybe, so suffocating. I don't know if it is in the Bible or not, I do think that all those people make up all these rules. To me and my husband, as long as it is between the husband and wife, and they like it, nothing is wrong. 

Taiwan are influenced a lot by Buddhism and Taoism. Japan by Zen, similar to Buddhism. India has their Hinduism and some other religions. 

Buddhism teaches that everybody can become gods if they find the way, but very few people can achieve it because we are human, we can't let of our human desire. I can't. I don't want to become a saint. If you don't focus on their teaching that "all is suffering, shouldn't eat meat, shouldn't kill a cokroach because it might be a human, they have a lot of great stuff about shaping a person's personality. It can really help us achieve peace. What I read is all in Chinese, I would love to share with all of us here, but since English is my second language, I am limited. I can do my best in my posts. 

Again, sex is taboo in Buddhism teaching. Everything is wrong except missionary. 

I love sex so much that I can't become a Christian or a Buddhist. Let them be right, let me be wrong. I don't care if I am wrong. I don't live for them, I live for myself.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

DanF said:


> My wife used to be very shy and reserved.
> It took a long, long time to get her to open up and she is still opening up.
> Mostly it was compliments from me. Real compliments, not just "get in the sack" compliments.
> You look really nice today.
> ...


My husband does that all the time, too. 

Just love to hear all those sexy comments. 

They can really make an ordinary woman feel like she is a sex goddess. 

Yeah, make your own sex goddess.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Drayvius said:


> another question would be....how would one go about bringing this subject up and talking about it openly without it feeling like i would be pressuring her into doing something she doesnt want to do?


Tough question!

It is difficult for me to answer since I don't feel pressured when my husband suggests anything new. 

Does she like to read stuff related to sex? 

How about buying some books for teaching sex. 

I bought several books to learn all the kinky stuff.


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## laurelanne (Nov 29, 2010)

Education is definetly a big need, from sex education for married adults to relational education. It's not just a sexual issue even though that's the big issue. It's just as much a relational issue because whether people (more often women and I don't mean all) want to admit it or not, sex is a major thing and especially when there is none! Or is only minimal and not enough to satisfy the man.

Just as much as she has her feelings and needs, such as insisting on total fidelity, which is not out of line, the woman cannot reasonably expect (or demand) that her man either: remain totally faithful or just stop a porn addiction with no effort or help from her. It's most usually a 2 way street, not "all" just one person, and we need to know that! Some do but many do not.

Sure ladies (and I realize many ladies are right in tune with me), we can become deeply hurt and angry at discovering that he has been involved in sexual things (not talking about actual affairs) and demand that if he loves me he will stop and also if he wants me to stay. But, marriage is "oneness" in spirit, mind, and body, and if half that one body is not adding strength to the other, then guess what? It's just as much the fault of the one who will not provide whatever is needed to make it possible for him to be what we are asking, even if it is right!

Sex is Not an option! It's due! It's Necessary and in more ways than one! It holds the oneness together even in mind and spirit! Let him go out into the world "weak" and don't be so surprised and blown away first that Temptation is already out there to meet everyone! And when we are weak in any area, we stand greater chance of being overcome by temptation.

Even the wisdom of God has said it, "Let the husband render due affection to the wife and the wife also to husband. The wife has not authority of her own body, but the husband, and vice versa. Do not "deprive" one another, except with consent only for a time for fasting and prayer, so that Satan does not tempt you due to (sexual) incontinency," (I Cor. 7:3-5).

Women often have big seasons of very little sexual desire, and these same ones can suddenly at various ages become a sex queen and surprise the life out of you. So we are dealing with heavy testosterone level with men usually and actually it's increased testosterone in women in older ages that cause them to finally know what the man has been feeling all these years.

Sexual desire is not always just a given for women, like it often is for men. Not saying all women, but yes a large %. I hear sweetness suggested often...flowers, gentle touches etc.. maybe. But for sexual desire often it's some kind of sexual triggers more likley than flowers. Flowers may gain cooperation for a "usual" time but to get "her" truly ignited...

It's gotta be something that triggers "her" sexually. It can happen and does...but the thing is finding what will trigger her. Some deep and buried fantasy of hers would do it...if you could discover it. Because right now she often feels nothing would! But that can and does change dramatically in one day...dependent on her being triggered just right. And not necessarily physically at all...but maybe mentally, emotionally...even by something that is taboo or she is very shy about...doesn't matter...

But all in all, education...can be gained online...from psych sources and biblical sources are good because if you can find them...that get to the heart of the sex issue...there is "Truth" to it...to the necessity and "Why" it IS very much in our power and our responsibility to be what the other needs.

If we don't take care of our partners needs...in any area, and even their big desires...then we are failing them...and causing them to be "weak" and suseptible to failing. We are One" in spirit and body and that means your needs become mine real quick!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

laurelanne

I agree with you!


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## Drayvius (Nov 30, 2010)

So, I talked with my wife last night. Basically she started crying because she felt that she was "failing" me. >.> I told her that it wasn't like that. That I had never talked about stuff like this with past relationships because they were not important to me. That I trusted her and loved her enough to want to be open and honest about the things that I wanted. 

It more or less stems to the fact that she is not happy with her body. I feel that this is probably something that a lot of women suffer from(stupid media) so we talked and we are going to work hard together to help her loose weight. I made sure to tell her that, it was her decision adn that I thought she was beautiful the was she is, but that I would support her if that is what she wants to do. So, hopefully things can get better. Thank all of you for the support and responses.

Dray


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Dray,

Your love for your wife will encourage her to try harder. 

Remember, it is your love, not your right as a husband.

Give her good compliments often, help her feel confident. 

You love her, I am sure she has a lot of good qualities which you find attractive, focus on those good qualities of hers and tell her often that you love her because of all those wonderful qualities she has! 

When a woman feels loved by her husband, she will try very hard to make her husband happy. 

That's us! We are just so eager to make our husbands happy. We will feel very bad if our husbands are not happy with us!


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