# Is my relationship/marriage normal? (Long post)



## nirefleur (Apr 26, 2018)

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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Wow. All over a dresser and a piano. 

I don't know he sounds like a drama queen who does not like your mother. Is your mum very involved in your life and tells you what to do. Or does she "give" you alot of things and money? 

Maybe, he feels like she is trying to control you and thus him. Maybe he does not want anything at all from your mother because he feels beholden and does not like to feel like this. 

How old are you people?


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## nirefleur (Apr 26, 2018)

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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

nirefleur said:


> Hello. We are both 31 now, but this all happened between 24-27. He does not like my mom, never has. She is pretty overbearing, but because I'm her only daughter she used to be pretty "worried" about us not having the stuff we need etc living on our own for the first time. She's still kind of like this with me, but I now just tell her "that's enough" and stand my ground about certain things. She's not like this with my brothers. My husband doesn't understand that some mothers are protective over their daughters and have close relationships with them, because all he knows is his two sisters will NOT speak to their mother because of how abusive she was growing up. Even though she has "changed", they till won't. He doesn't know of any positive mother/daughter relationships.


I have one daughter too and we are very close. We speak and text all day long. She is now seeing someone so I have to take a mental step back and not give my opinion on everything. 

I understand your mother's desire to make sure you have all you need. But it's good that you have your boundaries with her. And don't tell your mum everything that goes on between you two. Also, she should not be allowed to give an opinion on your marriage. ( Unless, there is abuse.) Make sure you put your husband first and don't discuss him with your mother if he does something that you don't like. You don't discuss your martial affairs with anyone. Let your mum know you are ok but she needs to keep her distant. You see her on your time. 

Also, because I am a mother too, I would expect him to show respect when she visit and I hope she does not visit too often. And she needs to be respectful of him too and his boundaries. He needs to feel that he can provide for you just fine without your mother. So her help is going against his perceived manhood.

You are going to have to let your husband know firmly, that those things happened along time ago and he needs to stop bringing it up. Because it's causing problems in the marriage. And if you still have those things, just give them away to shut him up. He needs to learn better coping skill and learn how to express himself better instead of pointing out those times over and over again to express how he feels now. 

Good luck.


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## Townes (Jan 31, 2018)

He probably keeps bringing it up because he's never felt his perspective was heard or validated. The way you describe his perspective is, "ridiculous, overdramatizing, insane, etc." So of course he feels like his concerns were dismissed and the issue is unresolved. 

He made it clear that he did not want the dresser but you moved it in anyway. Okay, fine. But then you make it abundantly clear you don't care how he feels about the issue by then moving in a piano against his wishes. To address this with him you tell him, "moving it was the issue, so I had my brothers do it." Clearly the logistics were not the real issue. The issue was respect. 

No doubt he did not handle it well at all. Many mistakes made on his end also. However, I think trying to understand his perspective and then validating that will go a long ways toward putting the issue to rest. You don't have to agree, just empathize.


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## nirefleur (Apr 26, 2018)

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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Clearly your husband needs some help with his coping and conflict resolution skills. Considering his abusive childhood, it's no surprise that he failed to develop those skills. Some individual counseling is in order for him to recognize that reality and the negative impact it has had and continues to have on his marriage.

Nonetheless, your approach to the issues hasn't helped the situation OP. You recognized the two furniture gifting instances were major triggers for him, you recognized that he was not in agreement and both times you went against his wishes. Defiantly. Were these really the right battles to fight? Would it have hurt you that bad to at least skip out on the second instance with the piano? And then you ran away from the conflict that you contributed to, and left your husband to simmer. Neither one of you came together and sincerely apologized for your wrongdoings so the situation is still unresolved between you too. It should be no surprise then that he still brings it up.

Is it more important to you to be right or to be happy with your husband? Both of you could've dealt with the situation better but at least one of you needs to empathize and validate the other's feelings to try to fix things.


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## nirefleur (Apr 26, 2018)

Keke24 said:


> Clearly your husband needs some help with his coping and conflict resolution skills. Considering his abusive childhood, it's no surprise that he failed to develop those skills. Some individual counseling is in order for him to recognize that reality and the negative impact it has had and continues to have on his marriage.
> 
> Nonetheless, your approach to the issues hasn't helped the situation OP. You recognized the two furniture gifting instances were major triggers for him, you recognized that he was not in agreement and both times you went against his wishes. Defiantly. Were these really the right battles to fight? Would it have hurt you that bad to at least skip out on the second instance with the piano? And then you ran away from the conflict that you contributed to, and left your husband to simmer. Neither one of you came together and sincerely apologized for your wrongdoings so the situation is still unresolved between you too. It should be no surprise then that he still brings it up.
> 
> Is it more important to you to be right or to be happy with your husband? Both of you could've dealt with the situation better but at least one of you needs to empathize and validate the other's feelings to try to fix things.


I think a lot of his dislike for my mom is because she does more for him than his mom does. Whenever he has had job interviews she has been excited for him and gone out of her way to buy him a nice shirt and pants if we didn't have the money at the time. His mom never does these things for him. My mom has done a lot of nice things for him, and I think it's maybe a deeper psychological issue that he knows his mom was never there for him like she should've been, and resents my mom for "stepping in" on her behalf. Like he is misdirecting his anger, he should be angry at his mom.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

nirefleur said:


> I think a lot of his dislike for my mom is because she does more for him than his mom does. Whenever he has had job interviews she has been excited for him and gone out of her way to buy him a nice shirt and pants if we didn't have the money at the time. His mom never does these things for him. My mom has done a lot of nice things for him, and I think it's maybe a deeper psychological issue that he knows his mom was never there for him like she should've been, and resents my mom for "stepping in" on her behalf. Like he is misdirecting his anger, he should be angry at his mom.


There may be some truth to that. Childhood abuse affects adults in so many ways and the true reason behind a seemingly instantaneous reaction can run deep.

Pointing the finger at your husband while ignoring your role in the disagreement is not going to serve you or your marriage in the long run. Your presence here is evidence of that.


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