# Why no sex?



## cartel1991 (May 23, 2012)

Hi I am 20 years old and my fiancee is 19. Yes were young but madly in love we have been together for 4 years now. I was her first and she was mine. The reason i am on this forum is to ask other for help in a topic such as sex. When we both lost are virginity at 15/16 we would have sex like rabbits i mean 2-3 times a day then the last two years it cut back to about 3-5 times a week, which is great i dont mind. BUT now in the last six months weve had sex twice maybe 3 times. And i work on wind turbines so i travel through out the country almost year around i work 6 weeks then go home for 1 week. With her knowing that i was going for 6 weeks maybe longer because i normally dont take the time off (i love my money  ) you would think she wanted to make love, but no the last time we had sex was about 3-4 weeks before my deployment. She says she just dont want sex she doesnt need it to be happy, but i do... I try telling her this and she just pushes it off but i keep on her, should i? somebody help me please??? We do have a 14 month old son and sex was on a higher basis through the pregnancy then about a week after the birth we went back to 3-5 times a week and just the last six months and i was laid off the last six months so i know its not infidelity. i returned to work on may 11th.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

She's 19 and you leave her for 6 weeks at a time? Ask a mod to move this to the infidelity thread.


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## cartel1991 (May 23, 2012)

Well our 14 month old son she takes care of and my brother lives with us and i know everytime she leaves the house so i know for a fact that isnt the problem she only leaves to go to grocery store which my brother goes with her, and no its not with my brother hes 11. but thanks


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Too bad there's already a child involved in this mess!

This will not get better on it's own. Is she on birth control? This can be a libido killer. Also, get her to her MD and get her hormone levels checked.

I would be careful to not have any more kids until after you've fixed this. You're already tied to her for the next 20 years at the least!


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

cartel1991 said:


> Hi I am 20 years old and my fiancee is 19. Yes were young but madly in love we have been together for 4 years now. I was her first and she was mine. The reason i am on this forum is to ask other for help in a topic such as sex. When we both lost are virginity at 15/16 we would have sex like rabbits i mean 2-3 times a day then the last two years it cut back to about 3-5 times a week, which is great i dont mind. BUT now in the last six months weve had sex twice maybe 3 times. And i work on wind turbines so i travel through out the country almost year around i work 6 weeks then go home for 1 week. With her knowing that i was going for 6 weeks maybe longer because i normally dont take the time off (i love my money  ) you would think she wanted to make love, but no the last time we had sex was about 3-4 weeks before my deployment. She says she just dont want sex she doesnt need it to be happy, but i do... I try telling her this and she just pushes it off but i keep on her, should i? somebody help me please??? We do have a 14 month old son and sex was on a higher basis through the pregnancy then about a week after the birth we went back to 3-5 times a week and just the last six months and i was laid off the last six months so i know its not infidelity. i returned to work on may 11th.


Could be infidelity on her part (a possibility, not saying it is so), or more than likely in the absence of that, I can say that sex is one area where "absence does not make the heart grow fonder". I believe for a woman to have a continued high desire for sex, she must be experiencing good sex on a regular basis. Not just "regular old plain sex", but rather very good sex with great orgasms and excitement. 

Also, your being laid off could be having a subconcious phsycological effect on her. You are not her "bread winner" anymore, and she may have lost some attraction for you based on that, on purely a pshycological level. I lived that one with my ex. Had nothing to do with me, other than when she came home, she saw me "sitting around" and was upset (even though I had a good stash in savings) that "she was the one working and bringing home the money". Never mind that again, I had my savings, and I'd supported her sorry butt and her 2 kids from another marriage for years when she wasn't working....a few months off while I tested and looked for the job I'd wanted all my life certainly seemed to be enough to flip the "undesireable" switch in the dark places in her brain. There was a huge drop off in sex during this time.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

Don't expect to ever get laid multiple times daily ever again, or at least not for a *long* time. It could happen, years from now, but don't set yourself up for disappointment. Your days of screwing like rabbits day in and day out come to a screeching halt when a baby comes along. that is just part of life and it would be the same for 99% of other women as well.

childbirth can do weird things to a lady's mojo. Most couples are advised to abstain for up to 6 weeks after birth. So doing it 3-5x/week only a week after childbirth - that is not typical at all. 3-5/wk might not seem like much to you, but for lots of guys this would be a dream - especially when you get older. For me, at 31 and with a toddler, even 3x in the same week is a *great* week!

Expect both of your sex drives to fluctuate over the years... years from now it could be _you_ pushing _her_away because you'll be stressed from work and she'll be bored/horny/lonely. 

if you're going to be committed to each other you both have to understand each other's natural rhythms and learn compromise. If you get really annoying about it, whining and talking about all the time, that's pretty much the *worst* thing you can do. What 
turns women on the most are traits that are associated with fathering children and creating a safe and stable environment for them. Be the best dad you can be; help out around the house; bring home flowers and don't expect favors in return. get in shape physically; be strong, emotionally supportive and don't complain about sex. You know which areas need improvement.

Also, when you look for your next job, keep in mind that being away so often is going to be really tough on a new mom. It's hard to be attracted to someone who is barely home. If it's a choice between making more money and being more available, do everything in your power to come home after work. You will never get these years back again with your kid, and you should be treasuring every moment!

She will have her own stuff to work on as well, but first and foremost you have to be attractive to her. 

And if *both* of you don't work on these things *now*, expect it to get much, much worse. If you can't, be prepared for a life of sexual frustration and/or paying child support and being alienated from your kid.

I'm telling you this as the father of a 15 month old. We had an unplanned pregnancy and got married much earlier than we meant to. We're in our 30s so we've had our share of life experiences that probably makes it easier to cope.

You've got your work cut out for you. Don't expect it to ever be easy, but it can still be worth it.

There's lots o good advice in this book, lots of people here will recommend it. I don't agree with 100% of it but there's stuff in here no one else will tell you.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

After a child is born, a lot of women experience a drop in libido (especially if she breastfeeds, which is a natural libido killer, this is natures way of preventing babies too close together, think back in the day where children died because mom wasn't eating enough to provide milk for one child, let alone two, it's a survival thing, good chance humans wouldn't exist if this didn't happen). It can take anywhere from 6-12 months for a woman's libido to come back after child birth, sometimes it can be 2 years, depending on how the pregnancy and delivery went, how exhausted she is when you get home, how much she does during the day with your child. I wouldn't automatically assume she's cheating, there are a lot of other things that could be going on. 

Maybe she's afraid she'll get pregnant again.

And did I read that right? You were having sex a week after the birth of your child? Didn't her doctor tell her to wait until 6 weeks or until her cervix was closed up tight, so she didn't risk a uterine infection.


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## cartel1991 (May 23, 2012)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> After a child is born, a lot of women experience a drop in libido (especially if she breastfeeds, which is a natural libido killer, this is natures way of preventing babies too close together, think back in the day where children died because mom wasn't eating enough to provide milk for one child, let alone two, it's a survival thing, good chance humans wouldn't exist if this didn't happen). It can take anywhere from 6-12 months for a woman's libido to come back after child birth, sometimes it can be 2 years, depending on how the pregnancy and delivery went, how exhausted she is when you get home, how much she does during the day with your child. I wouldn't automatically assume she's cheating, there are a lot of other things that could be going on.
> 
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> 
> ...


She was 41 weeks and no dialtation. Sched csection. So doctor said once her stitches desolve we could have intercourse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cartel1991 (May 23, 2012)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> After a child is born, a lot of women experience a drop in libido (especially if she breastfeeds, which is a natural libido killer, this is natures way of preventing babies too close together, think back in the day where children died because mom wasn't eating enough to provide milk for one child, let alone two, it's a survival thing, good chance humans wouldn't exist if this didn't happen). It can take anywhere from 6-12 months for a woman's libido to come back after child birth, sometimes it can be 2 years, depending on how the pregnancy and delivery went, how exhausted she is when you get home, how much she does during the day with your child. I wouldn't automatically assume she's cheating, there are a lot of other things that could be going on.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


She was 41 weeks and no dialation(mispelled? Lol)so they did a Sched csection. So doctor said once her stitches desolve we could have intercourse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

cartel1991 said:


> She was 41 weeks and no dialtation. Sched csection. So doctor said once her stitches desolve we could have intercourse.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh okay, that makes sense then. I had an emergency c section, but I dialated to 10 and all that fun stuff, so I was told to wait the 6 weeks. Well she sure got a better deal out of that then I did lol.


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## mommyofthree (Jan 7, 2012)

My H and I had lots of sex when I was pregnant too...hormones are rampant!! But he also was laid off a few years ago and when he was.....we did very little.

He was home all day,in my space.He did not help out too much and I was mad.I still worked just as hard and he would sit and take me time,have a beer at noon,nap after that and complain that dinner was not started at 4:00pm.I had no desire to have sex..I more wanted to beat the crap out of him for needing to take a "break" from everything while I still did everything and was the sole income earner.He was NOT on holidays...so should help out with more household duties.

Not sure if you were helping around the house more when you got laid off but if not it could be the reason as well. Now that you are back to work it may help out a bit but you should sit and talk with her.


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## cartel1991 (May 23, 2012)

mommyofthree said:


> My H and I had lots of sex when I was pregnant too...hormones are rampant!! But he also was laid off a few years ago and when he was.....we did very little.
> 
> He was home all day,in my space.He did not help out too much and I was mad.I still worked just as hard and he would sit and take me time.I had no desire to have sex..I more wanted to beat the crap out of him for needing to take a break from everything while I still did everything.He was NOT on holidays...so should help out with more household duties.
> 
> Not sure if you were helping around the house more when you got laid off but if not it could be the reason as well. Now that you are back to work it may help out a bit but you should sit and talk with her.


When i was laid off and when im on my week off i do everything. Laundry dishes get up with baby change every diaper not cuz she doesnt want to but because hes mine too and she does it all year. She does nothing when im home i do not let her once in a great while ill ask her to change or feed the baby but as of household chores its all me. Should i have her do more when im home?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mommyofthree (Jan 7, 2012)

cartel1991 said:


> When i was laid off and when im on my week off i do everything. Laundry dishes get up with baby change every diaper not cuz she doesnt want to but because hes mine too and she does it all year. She does nothing when im home i do not let her once in a great while ill ask her to change or feed the baby but as of household chores its all me. Should i have her do more when im home?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thats a double edged sword.
I work from home and run a daycare so I have a routine.I LOVE when he helps out but also hate when he takes over. When he was laid off I hated he did as little as possible and i did everything...he complained quite often that his way was better and then did nothing OR would tell me to move and he would take over and make me feel like I was doing something wrong.

I think if he had come in and took completely over and told me not to I would have been upset as well since I would feel usless and less of a wife.

There really (for me anyways) needs to be a happy medium. I have a daily routine and would love help or the offer of but not to be pushed out and told to take a break or im giving you your freedom.

Im not sure this is something she would be upset about but while reading your post it made me think of it when you said the problems started basically around the lay off of 6 months.

Have you spoken to her to straight out ask her whats wrong...If anything?


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

> Should i have her do more when im home?


She shouldn't be doing 'nothing,' unless she's sick. You need to rest too. Try and find a good balance and don't become her servant or doormat.

Have a couple things that you are completely in charge of, and leave other stuff to your wife. At home I do a good bit of the laundry, garbage and occupying Nader Jr. while she's doing other chores. if I interfere too much in the kitchen my wife starts to get snarky because she's a bit OCD, but sometimes I do it anyway if she gets behind - because I want the kitchen to be clean too. Everyone has their own way of working it out.

It's tough - if you don't do enough and she'll say you're lazy and neglectful; if you do too much she will start taking it for granted and become less attracted to you.

The best thing to do is discuss it honestly and openly. And if you want to go out and do something fun every once in awhile, you should be able to; as long as you don't abuse it.

One more thing - if she unreasonably interrupts something you're doing for something she could easily do herself (bring me the remote, get me a paper towel, etc.) call her out on it! If not, you'll never have a moment to yourself because you're too busy being her errand boy. This is a pet peeve of mine, and I probably let it go on too long.


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## cartel1991 (May 23, 2012)

mommyofthree said:


> Thats a double edged sword.
> I work from home and run a daycare so I have a routine.I LOVE when he helps out but also hate when he takes over. When he was laid off I hated he did as little as possible and i did everything...he complained quite often that his way was better and then did nothing.
> 
> I think if he had come in and took completely over and told me not to I would have been upset as well since I would feel usless and less of a wife.
> ...


Alright well im going to try that. Asking her to help me do laundry cooking do it as a couple...
Thank you 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mommyofthree (Jan 7, 2012)

cartel1991 said:


> Alright well im going to try that. Asking her to help me do laundry cooking do it as a couple...
> Thank you
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My H was home on the weekend and we did just that.We worked together and made dinner.I told him exactly that...I love that we are doing this and we should do this more often. It felt nice.

We also went for a drive with the kids and had a small hike...family time is really nice 

I was so happy this weekend that we spent about 7 hours (over the weekend) together in the bedroom...mostly touching,but sex too!!


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## cartel1991 (May 23, 2012)

mommyofthree said:


> My H was home on the weekend and we did just that.We worked together and made dinner.I told him exactly that...I love that we are doing this and we should do this more often. It felt nice.
> 
> We also went for a drive with the kids and had a small hike...family time is really nice
> 
> I was so happy this weekend that we spent about 7 hours (over the weekend) together in the bedroom...mostly touching,but sex too!!


Well im at the point that touching would be great if thats all i get like as i said in the last 6months weve had intercourse3 times theres no foreplay at all and i want it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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