# Male co-worker hugged friend's wife from behind



## TRy

A friend of mine told me that he was very upset because when he showed up at his wife's work, he saw a male co-worker hugging his attractive wife from behind with his wife smiling as they chatted. She has acknowledged it was not the first time that this man hugged her from behind, but she insists that he is making too big a deal over it. Even though I told him that he has a right to be upset, he is confused. As a sanity check, I thought that I would ask what others on this site thinks about this situation. Is it a big deal and what should I advise him to do about it?


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## Yosemite

I wouldn't allow it if she was my girlfriend or wife. 

Definitely over the line.


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## 5Creed

It bothers him; but it doesn't seem to bother her. He has shared with her how it feels for him so the next step is for his wife to honor those feelings and shut that down. Even if it isn't a big deal to her-it is to him. Only two people in a marriage and your spouse's feelings about these kinds of things are supposed to come first. My first thought was why does the co-worker feel comfortable doing that? Answer is she lets him.


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## Seppuku

Unacceptable, if it were my wife.

The fact that he is not OK with it should at least mean they should talk about it.

From a professional standpoint, it's inappropriate at best.

Sent from my LG-H810 using Tapatalk


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## TheTruthHurts

Not even a little bit appropriate. That behavior typically would result in and HR incident UNLESS it was specifically welcomed as part of a "special" relationship.

Get out the VAR I bet she's stepping out or being groomed for it


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## phillybeffandswiss

Sorry, for me, we'd have problems. I'd explain it. If it was minimized and blame shifted it would be worse for us. Granted it is my own bias, but it would bother me immensely, even more so if it occurred at work. HR is no joke and my mind would be going into all types of dark places. Sorry, for me, there is a sexual intimacy to behind the back hugs. I was going to post a picture, but every single one just showed exactly why it would bother me. Yes, I know, someone will find one and say really? Sure you may find one that feels innocent. Still, work, HR, laughing, naw... you aren't alone.

Still, I wouldn't blow up the marriage. As I have learned through dating and marriage, my boundaries are not my wife's, nor the other way around. 

Yes, I am gender biased and have a double standard on this issue. Still, I wouldn't downplay how my wife felt if it made her uncomfortable.


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## ReidWright

yeah, this sounds like 'tip of the iceberg' behavior. If those two do that in the office, in front of everyone, imagine how they act when they are alone.

your friend needs to say that behavior makes him uncomfortable AND it's extremely unprofessional.

poor boundaries on the wife's part...probable fat-lip receiving behavior from her coworker 'friend'.


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## ReidWright

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Yes, I am gender biased and have a double standard on this issue. Still, I wouldn't downplay how my wife felt if it made her uncomfortable.


I'm not even sure about a double standard here...if some lady at work 'back hugged' me, I would probably tell her get the hell away from me. I wouldn't think it's ok for some coworker to wrap their arms around me.


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## Malaise

ReidWright said:


> yeah, this sounds like 'tip of the iceberg' behavior. *If those two do that in the office, in front of everyone, imagine how they act when they are alone.
> 
> *your friend needs to say that behavior makes him uncomfortable AND it's extremely unprofessional.
> 
> poor boundaries on the wife's part...probable fat-lip receiving behavior from her coworker 'friend'.



Maybe she doesn't see a problem because:



They've done it often.



She likes it.



They've done more than that.


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## phillybeffandswiss

ReidWright said:


> I'm not even sure about a double standard here...if some lady at work 'back hugged' me, I would probably tell her get the hell away from me. I wouldn't think it's ok for some coworker to wrap their arms around me.


I specifically said me. If a woman did this to a man, I'd look at it differently. I've been raised, have observed and been told women can be friends while hugging, kissing and flirting. There are hundreds of these posts, from some women saying the same thing, all over this website. So, while I would not allow it, I'm being honest in saying I am gender biased. I'd think the man was "cop'n a feel," or "something is going on" long before I thought the same thing about a woman.

Just being honest.


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## uhtred

Absolutely not OK in the workplace. Even if the two are consenting, it may not look like that to other employees.


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## EunuchMonk

TheTruthHurts said:


> Not even a little bit appropriate. That behavior typically would result in and HR incident UNLESS it was specifically welcomed as part of a "special" relationship.
> 
> Get out the VAR I bet she's stepping out or being groomed for it
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk












Might be nothing, OP. Might be the start of something. Yes, I think it is inappropriate.

VAR should be CWI logo...


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## Red Sonja

Absolutely unacceptable in the workplace or anyplace else for that matter unless the guy is a SO or a relative. Adult women know how to fend off unwanted attention in a polite and assertive manner. Most of us also know how to do this a bit more aggressively when it is required.

I am sorry for your friend however I think his wife likes the attention. Ugh.


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## PhillyGuy13

Not just a hug - a hug from behind. So minimally playfully, probably in a flirtatious way. It wasn't out of any kind of "congratulations!" Or "goodbye". 

Is this an office setting? I would be flabbergasted to see coworkers hug like this in the office. Unacceptable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marc878

TRy said:


> A friend of mine told me that he was very upset because when he showed up at his wife's work, he saw a male co-worker hugging his attractive wife from behind with his wife smiling as they chatted. She has acknowledged it was not the first time that this man hugged her from behind, but she insists that he is making too big a deal over it. Even though I told him that he has a right to be upset, he is confused. As a sanity check, I thought that I would ask what others on this site thinks about this situation. Is it a big deal and what should I advise him to do about it?


Right cross with medium power behind it.


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## TAMAT

First it's a big red flag, but as others have said he needs to investigate what's going on and not drive the affair deeper underground if it is an affair. Perhaps the OM is just a "work husband".

Find out who this OM significant other or wife is, what his position at the company is, who his family is etc. 

Did he snap a picture with his phone?

I can't imagine doing this with any woman at work.

Tamat


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## Ikaika

Where I work, this constitutes sexual harassment. Maybe, some work places are different and allow this sort of behavior. Most places do training nowadays to reduce their liability insurance as well as to avoid litigation when a complaint is filed. Maybe he should file a complaint on behalf of his wife and see what happens. 

On personal level, this is over the line and yes a big deal, sounds creepy and not sure why his wife should be smiling about this behavior. Suspicious, very suspicious. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## SunCMars

Answer:

Get your hands off my wife, Pal!

With Red Face, Eyes Bulging in accompaniment

Ah, huh !!


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## GusPolinski

Inappropriate.

Having already voiced my objections w/ my wife, only to have them fall on deaf ears, it would be time for me to a) make it very clear to her that any further inappropriate interaction w/ this -- or any other co-worker -- may very well lead to legal proceedings and b) find a way to politely suggest to Huggy McD**chebag that he keep his damn hands to himself.

Offsite, of course.

I'd probably also start sleuthing a bit.


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## phillybeffandswiss

Yep. Both her reactions bother me more than the guy. I'm talking the smiling, the continued conversation and then the "it isn't that serious" minimization. While I agree all work places are different, like I said earlier, the behind the back bothers me more than the HR issue.


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## Spotthedeaddog

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Sorry, for me, we'd have problems. I'd explain it. If it was minimized and blame shifted it would be worse for us. Granted it is my own bias, but it would bother me immensely, even more so if it occurred at work. HR is no joke and my mind would be going into all types of dark places. Sorry, for me, there is a sexual intimacy to behind the back hugs. I was going to post a picture, but every single one just showed exactly why it would bother me. Yes, I know, someone will find one and say really? Sure you may find one that feels innocent. Still, work, HR, laughing, naw... you aren't alone.
> 
> Still, I wouldn't blow up the marriage. As I have learned through dating and marriage, my boundaries are not my wife's, nor the other way around.
> 
> Yes, I am gender biased and have a double standard on this issue. Still, I wouldn't downplay how my wife felt if it made her uncomfortable.


I agree. Front hugs are getting more common between people. I wasn't raised as a hugger, in our family same-gender members didn't hug after about age 4 (until I left for university, then it was once) and hugging between members of different gender was considered sexual activity. Since then I've been involved with a wide variety of people, so feel at home occassionally hugging guys or girls at martial arts, meetings, or on the street. But it is a front hug (and from many guys comes with compulsory back pats/slaps).

Back hugs are a personal intimate-zone thing, and denote possession/private intimacy. Something OP stressed even more with a private discussion that apparently didn't include ("get off me"). She might not currently be having an affair but clearly she is unaware of appropriate boundaries; so this will either lead to PA or massive blow-up when it heads in that direction.


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## Spotthedeaddog

Ikaika said:


> Where I work, this constitutes sexual harassment. Maybe, some work places are different and allow this sort of behavior. Most places do training nowadays to reduce their liability insurance as well as to avoid litigation when a complaint is filed. Maybe he should file a complaint on behalf of his wife and see what happens.
> 
> On personal level, this is over the line and yes a big deal, sounds creepy and not sure why his wife should be smiling about this behavior. Suspicious, very suspicious.


It's only harassment if she files a complaint. Even then it's only using worth a written warning of "inappropriate behaviour" unless it is repeated, which then it can become "harassment".

Many organisations have what they call "house rules" so they can fire people _before_ it gets to reportable level of "harassment" by firing the person (or persons!) for violating the house rules and potentially exposing the business to undesirable action/reputation.

In places with a "Right to Work" statute it's very easy to get fied for that (so I hear) but it's also places with that legislation is it's often the most junior person, not the offender, who gets retrenched especially if legal action is on the table ("you aren't comfortable working here/risk the business" then someone else who IS has the right to the job)


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## LucasJackson

Of course he's not overreacting. That was highly inappropriate. I probably would have popped that guy which would have forced my wife to quit.


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## frusdil

So inappropriate. Just wtf are they both thinking? It must make the co-workers feel uncomfortable too.


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## drifting on

Totally inappropriate. I don't know how your friend kept his composure with her continued conversation and smiling. Yet it gets even worse as she sees this as no issue at all. This closeness is way to comfortable for them to be displaying. 

Time to shut it down, so take a day off work, go to wife's company, invite her to lunch, she either goes to lunch or quits. OM is also invited, he goes or you go to their respective bosses. At lunch, you in no uncertain terms tell OM any kind of touch I hear about and I'll be taking you to dinner. After dinner, we will take a quick trip to the emergency room, do I have your attention? Now give me your address so I can go talk to OM's wife to let her in on this ACCEPTABLE behavior. Your wife will squawk, but tell her you expect silence or she can sign some papers when she gets home. 

This needs to be shut down hard, fast, and decisively. Any hesitation and she will be his next notch in his gun belt. When your wife gets home, explain to her a hug from behind is complete contact, more so then a hug from the front. The fact she is so comfortable with this is very alarming. Time for full investigation mode AFTER you blow it up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soccermom2three

Hmmm, I'm conflicted on this subject. I've very good friends with the owner of my company. We were working together when he started his business. I was the first person he asked to join him. We've gone from a handful of employees to 200+ employees. I'm very proud of him. We have affection for each other in a sibling kind of way. Yes, we tell each other I love you. There has never been sexual tension between us. He is happily married and I'm happily married. I could see him coming up behind and putting his arms around me in a hug. Not a sexual, pressed up against me type of way though and he wouldn't do it in a professional setting with all employees to see. He would do it in front of those employees that know our history together.


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## Marc878

Tell your friend to check His phone bill.


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## Spotthedeaddog

LucasJackson said:


> Of course he's not overreacting. That was highly inappropriate. I probably would have popped that guy which would have forced my wife to quit.


Which would have resulted in fully justified prison time for you for assault.

Or are you just the type that mouths off about stuff that you fully know is totally illegal and inappropriate to actually do so it makes you sound big and macho, despite everyone with half a clue realising that there is no way you can go around in modern society pulling that kind of BS.


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## Spotthedeaddog

soccermom2three said:


> Hmmm, I'm conflicted on this subject. I've very good friends with the owner of my company. We were working together when he started his business. I was the first person he asked to join him. We've gone from a handful of employees to 200+ employees. I'm very proud of him. We have affection for each other in a sibling kind of way. Yes, we tell each other I love you. There has never been sexual tension between us. He is happily married and I'm happily married. I could see him coming up behind and putting his arms around me in a hug. Not a sexual, pressed up against me type of way though and he wouldn't do it in a professional setting with all employees to see. He would do it in front of those employees that know our history together.


If you've been together that long and though those things you likely know the other parties partner as well, and they know you well enough to understand.


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## Spotthedeaddog

frusdil said:


> So inappropriate. Just wtf are they both thinking? It must make the co-workers feel uncomfortable too.


"Not their problem"


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## vel

Sounds to me like she hasn't crossed into physical cheating, hence acts like there's nothing to hide. It can be a slippery slope though, if she already likes him enough to allow that sort of closeness.

Unless she's usually a very physically affectionate person? Either way, as soon as her husband made clear his displeasure she should really put a stop to it. No matter if it was appropriate or inappropriate beforehand, as soon as it made her husband uncomfortable she needed to deal with it! Not minimize...


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## Rubix Cubed

spotthedeaddog said:


> Which would have resulted in fully justified prison time for you for assault.
> 
> Or are you just the type that mouths off about stuff that you fully know is totally illegal and inappropriate to actually do so it makes you sound big and macho, despite everyone with half a clue realising that there is no way you can go around in modern society pulling that kind of BS.


 It would be jail time not prison time and may very well be time well spent.


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## See_Listen_Love

Ask your friend to provide an example image of 'hugging from behind' like he saw them do? 

When I google it, to see what that is, I only see couples in love....


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## Malaise

See_Listen_Love said:


> Ask your friend to provide an example image of 'hugging from behind' like he saw them do?
> 
> When I google it, to see what that is, I only see couples in love....


And that could be the problem.


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## Blondilocks

The co-workers may not have been there to witness the behavior. It doesn't matter. If the wife is over the age of 18, she knows better. Being hugged from behind is a very, very familiar act. And, I have never seen this behavior in an office setting. Totally inappropriate. Full-on surveillance mode is in order. That and 4 flat tires on his car. The jerk. Her, too.


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## MattMatt

My last job there was a female colleague who was very touchy-feely.

She liked hugging all of her colleagues.

She really didn't mean anything by it.

I can picture her as a little girl clinging to everyone she met. 

But! Re your friend, if that stuff bothers him, she shouldn't let the colleague hug her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt

Rubix Cubed said:


> It would be jail time not prison time and may very well be time well spent.


So, he could be wifeless, jobless and homeless?

That doesn't sound too attractive to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BobSimmons

MattMatt said:


> My last job there was a female colleague who was very touchy-feely.
> 
> She liked hugging all of her colleagues.
> 
> She really didn't mean anything by it.
> 
> I can picture her as a little girl clinging to everyone she met.
> 
> But! Re your friend, if that stuff bothers him, she shouldn't let the colleague hug her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No man! She's cheating! She's having multiple affairs! Get the pitchfork out!

Perfectly sane reasoning, just a shame the two people actually can't provide the context to their relationship *inappropriate as it is to hug at the workplace*
before being thrown to the passively aggressive judge jury and executioners.


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## joannacroc

If she was smiling and not making Scarlett Johansson's patented "your attentions are unwelcome" face:

http://www.filmibeat.com/img/2015/02/27-1425014969-scarlett-johansson-john-travolta-oscar-kiss.jpg

then she and he were both at best grossly inappropriate for a workplace. Perhaps they are having an affair. But I'm not jumping on that bandwagon without more evidence. Tell your friend to monitor her.


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## Thound

keep your hands off me you damn dirty ape


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## bluezone

OP it seems everyone here is in agreement...your friend's wife's coworker is stepping over the line and his wife is allowing it. So your friend has to clearly lay down his boundaries...one of them being that this behavior is NOT acceptable and completely disrespectful of him, no matter how she wants to brush it off. 

Then it is time for him to go into detective mode and find out what the H is going on here. Yes, VAR her car, hire a PI, whatever it takes.


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## phillybeffandswiss

How dare a guy not like another man all hugged up on his wife from behind. Sweep it under the rug, it is all okay, they are just friends hugging in the workplace and you are a jealous controlling jerk. Go get the bunnies and unicorns, it is all good.

LOL.


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## The Middleman

TRy said:


> A friend of mine told me that he was very upset because when he showed up at his wife's work, he saw a male co-worker hugging his attractive wife from behind with his wife smiling as they chatted. She has acknowledged it was not the first time that this man hugged her from behind, but she insists that he is making too big a deal over it. Even though I told him that he has a right to be upset, he is confused. As a sanity check, I thought that I would ask what others on this site thinks about this situation. Is it a big deal and what should I advise him to do about it?


I would have gone up to that a guy, in front of my wife and loudly so everyone can hear it and said "What the fvck do you think you are doing. Get your fvcking hands off of my wife." And then I would tell him "Do it again and I'll kick the living sh1t out of you." He needed to embarrass the POS, and put his wife on notice that he isn't going to stand for that crap. Your friend seems weak and passive.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

The Middleman said:


> TRy said:
> 
> 
> 
> A friend of mine told me that he was very upset because when he showed up at his wife's work, he saw a male co-worker hugging his attractive wife from behind with his wife smiling as they chatted. She has acknowledged it was not the first time that this man hugged her from behind, but she insists that he is making too big a deal over it. Even though I told him that he has a right to be upset, he is confused. As a sanity check, I thought that I would ask what others on this site thinks about this situation. Is it a big deal and what should I advise him to do about it?
> 
> 
> 
> I would have gone up to that a guy, in front of my wife and loudly so everyone can hear it and said "What the fvck do you think you are doing. Get your fvcking hands off of my wife." And then I would tell him "Do it again and I'll kick the living **** out of you." He needed to embarrass nit POS and that would have put his wife on notice. Your friend seems weak and passive.
Click to expand...

Boy did you nail it. This is the type of **** I learned was going on with my FWW. His pal better open his eyes and ears, their is more to this story to evolve. With affairs little things lead to big things. Provide your friend the F102 cheater script you can find on here.


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## Evinrude58

Exactly, the guy should have explained to the guy on the spot that he would get the fat lip if it happened again, and tell him in a tone where it was put up or shut up. It would have shamed then both, deservedly so, and red-established who he was in the eyes of his wife. A woman shouldn't hold it against her husband to put an interloper in his place when it's so obviously called for. She probably sees her husband as a weak man now. One doesn't debate this stuff for two weeks, they act. A stern talking to was as far as it would likely go if the offending OM was the kind to mess with married women.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame

It is not OK and I would start investigating.


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## RWB

Is this a pic of our Mr. Huggy McDbag?

https://www.google.com/search?q=joe...PAhVJFj4KHTxDBbEQsAQIGw#imgrc=4jdkm7MUyyv_kM:


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## RWB

bluezone said:


> OP it seems everyone here is in agreement...your friend's wife's coworker is stepping over the line and* his wife is allowing it*. So your friend has to clearly lay down his boundaries...one of them being that this behavior is NOT acceptable and completely disrespectful of him, no matter how she wants to brush it off.
> 
> Then it is time for him to *go into detective mode* and find out what the H is going on here. Yes, VAR her car, hire a PI, whatever it takes.


He we go again... 

Tell your friend, if he wants to know what's really up with his "friendly" wife, time to shut the F up. Do not soft confront her on this or make claims of an affair. 

Now is the time to look, listen, verify. Definitely use the VAR. 

Don't be me. I did the soft confront and was duped for years to follow. 10 min of VAR would have erased years of grief.


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## Spicy

Shame in him, and TRIPLE shame on her. She better wake up and respect her husband, or someone else will.


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## TDSC60

Hugging from behind all the while grinning and chatting?

Lap dance without the chair.


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## jsmart

The Middleman said:


> I would have gone up to that a guy, in front of my wife and loudly so everyone can hear it and said "What the fvck do you think you are doing. Get your fvcking hands off of my wife." And then I would tell him "Do it again and I'll kick the living **** out of you." He needed to embarrass nit POS and that would have put his wife on notice. Your friend seems weak and passive.


This would have been my exact response. Hugging a woman from behind is intimate. Both sexes know that allowing a man to do that is sign of possession. 

This guy let this slide and looks weak to both his wife and this guy thereby sending a signal that he's a pushover.


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## TRy

Thank you everyone for your comments. They are in line with my thinking. In answer to some of your questions, below are some additional facts.

1) The other man (OM) is single.
2) The OM does not work in her department, and although my friend had heard of the OM before, she did not talk about him that much.
3) The OM was hugging her from behind in front of many co-workers.
4) When my friend introduced himself to the OM as her husband, the other man immediately took off, before my friend could really say anything to him.
5) My friend is kicking himself for not confronting the other man harder, but in my friends defense, he was caught by surprise and the other man took off before my friend got his wits about him. Also, my friend was second guessing himself since he was at his wife's work, and did not know the terrain. To be clear, he would have handled it differently if he could do it again.


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## harrybrown

She needs to get a different job and have no further contact with her OM.

Or give your friend a D and walks away.

She should also stop protecting her OM and start protecting her H. If she cares about him, but is does not seem like she does.


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## LucasJackson

​


spotthedeaddog said:


> Which would have resulted in fully justified prison time for you for assault.
> 
> Or are you just the type that mouths off about stuff that you fully know is totally illegal and inappropriate to actually do so it makes you sound big and macho, despite everyone with half a clue realising that there is no way you can go around in modern society pulling that kind of BS.


Actually I'm a U.S. Marine and if some douche comes up behind my wife and wraps his arms around her he is probably going to get popped. Wouldn't be the first time and my total prison time? Zero minutes. We're not quite that chicken sh*t here in the states. Prison time for popping a douche bag? LOL!!!


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## Seppuku

TRy said:


> Thank you everyone for your comments. They are in line with my thinking. In answer to some of your questions, below are some additional facts.
> 
> 1) The other man (OM) is single.
> 2) The OM does not work in her department, and although my friend had heard of the OM before, she did not talk about him that much.
> 3) The OM was hugging her from behind in front of many co-workers.
> 4) When my friend introduced himself to the OM as her husband, the other man immediately took off, before my friend could really say anything to him.
> 5) My friend is kicking himself for not confronting the other man harder, but in my friends defense, he was caught by surprise and the other man took off before my friend got his wits about him. Also, my friend was second guessing himself since he was at his wife's work, and did not know the terrain. To be clear, he would have handled it differently if he could do it again.


So what did your friend say to his wife?


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## MattMatt

TRy said:


> Thank you everyone for your comments. They are in line with my thinking. In answer to some of your questions, below are some additional facts.
> 
> 1) The other man (OM) is single.
> 2) The OM does not work in her department, and although my friend had heard of the OM before, she did not talk about him that much.
> 3) The OM was hugging her from behind in front of many co-workers.
> 4) When my friend introduced himself to the OM as her husband, the other man immediately took off, before my friend could really say anything to him.
> 5) My friend is kicking himself for not confronting the other man harder, but in my friends defense, he was caught by surprise and the other man took off before my friend got his wits about him. Also, my friend was second guessing himself since he was at his wife's work, and did not know the terrain. To be clear, he would have handled it differently if he could do it again.


Oh, I think the confrontation worked well enough! 

"Gee, there's that sexy little redhead, again. I have fancied her from afar for many months, but never got the courage to really speak with her, before. Well, it's a group situation, I know! I'll hug her from behind. Then I can pretend I didn't mean anything 'romantic' by it if she complains! Oh, she is so beautiful. I hope I can..."

*And then.....*

 *"Ohmigawdshesmarried!Arghhhhhhhhhhh!Gottarunrunrun!"*

Whilst wearing this expression:


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## Evinrude58

Indeed, I can see that happening. Totally caught off guard. I would have turned so red, and would have given him quite a handshake.... That's probably what happened with your friend
Why the snake slithered away
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jsmart

This dude took off because he knew what he was doing was wrong and that no normal man would stand for it. 

As for his wife's reaction that he's making a big deal out of nothing, she's trying to play mind games on her husband. Trying to making him doubt himself. 

Your boy needs to get answers ASAP. This dude hugging his wife from behind in front of others implies that these 2 have been intimate enough times that OM is comfortable displaying possession in front of others.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

LucasJackson said:


> ​
> 
> 
> spotthedeaddog said:
> 
> 
> 
> Which would have resulted in fully justified prison time for you for assault.
> 
> Or are you just the type that mouths off about stuff that you fully know is totally illegal and inappropriate to actually do so it makes you sound big and macho, despite everyone with half a clue realising that there is no way you can go around in modern society pulling that kind of BS.
> 
> 
> 
> Actually I'm a U.S. Marine and if some douche comes up behind my wife and wraps his arms around her he is probably going to get popped. Wouldn't be the first time and my total prison time? Zero minutes. We're not quite that chicken sh*t here in the states. Prison time for popping a douche bag? LOL!!!
Click to expand...

Semper FI


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## See_Listen_Love

TRy said:


> Thank you everyone for your comments. They are in line with my thinking. In answer to some of your questions, below are some additional facts.
> 
> 1) The other man (OM) is single.
> 2) The OM does not work in her department, and although my friend had heard of the OM before, she did not talk about him that much.
> 3) The OM was hugging her from behind in front of many co-workers.
> 4) When my friend introduced himself to the OM as her husband, the other man immediately took off, before my friend could really say anything to him.
> 5) My friend is kicking himself for not confronting the other man harder, but in my friends defense, he was caught by surprise and the other man took off before my friend got his wits about him. Also, my friend was second guessing himself since he was at his wife's work, and did not know the terrain. To be clear, he would have handled it differently if he could do it again.


If you are not expecting something like that, I can imagine you are not knowing how to react. And then the moment is over, because overreacting in a social situation is also very stupid looking to others. Only later the full implication of the situation will have sunk in. Also not everybody is wired for a primal reaction.


----------



## Malaise

jsmart said:


> This dude took off because he knew what he was doing was wrong and that no normal man would stand for it.
> 
> As for his wife's reaction that he's making a big deal out of nothing, she's trying to play mind games on her husband. Trying to making him doubt himself.
> 
> Your boy needs to get answers ASAP. This dude hugging his wife from behind in front of others implies that these 2 have been intimate enough times that OM is comfortable displaying possession in front of others.


yep

And,office gossip? If he has a pipeline it would be good to tap it.


----------



## The Middleman

TRy said:


> Thank you everyone for your comments. They are in line with my thinking. In answer to some of your questions, below are some additional facts.
> 
> 1) The other man (OM) is single.
> 2) The OM does not work in her department, and although my friend had heard of the OM before, she did not talk about him that much.
> 3) The OM was hugging her from behind in front of many co-workers.
> 4) When my friend introduced himself to the OM as her husband, the other man immediately took off, before my friend could really say anything to him.
> 5) My friend is kicking himself for not confronting the other man harder, but in my friends defense, he was caught by surprise and the other man took off before my friend got his wits about him. Also, my friend was second guessing himself since he was at his wife's work, and did not know the terrain. To be clear, he would have handled it differently if he could do it again.


Sounds to me like he didn't confront at all, just accepted a lame excuse from his wife. This ain't over by a long shot unless and he makes an issue of this with the OM directly. He needs to tell his wife that if he hears about this happening one more time, that it's a deal breaker, and he will walk. I'm sure that the company's HR department would be interested in this as well, he needs to embarrass them both to assure this won't happen again. He's still being too beta as far as I'm concerned. 

He is just angry it happened, but he didn't do anything. It's time for him to do something.


----------



## jsmart

The Middleman said:


> *Sounds to me like he didn't confront at all, just accepted a lame excuse from his wife. *This ain't over by a long shot unless and he makes an issue of this with the OM directly. He needs to tell his wife that if he hears about this happening one more time, that it's a deal breaker, and he will walk. *I'm sure that the company's HR department would be interested in this as well, he needs to embarrass them both to assure this won't happen again. *He's still being too beta as far as I'm concerned.
> 
> *He is just angry it happened, but he didn't do anything. It's time for him to do something*.


Totally agree. This can't stand. I actually think this is probably a PA. The fog of an affair puts WWs in an invincible state of mind. She thinks they're pulling the wool over everyone's eyes. Meanwhile everyone around them can see something is going on by their body language. 

The OM being single, he has nothing to lose. The WW, in her fogged up state of mind doesn't care about her husband or breaking apart of her family. She'll haughtily tell her husband that he imagining things or that he's being controlling or abusive. I've lost count of the number of threads I've read where the WW played psychological game on the BH to get him to doubt himself. Some BHs even going to counseling. Reminds me of Done Gone's thread on SI.


----------



## ABHale

How did his wife respond to what happened? 

Is she like its no big deal or what?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## The Middleman

@TRy please invite your friend to join the site and engage with us. While he'll get hit over the head with a brick, he'll also get valuable advice from people who have been there.


----------



## Yosemite

It all comes down to a matter of respect.

Even if nothing else is going on, even if nothing is going to happen.

His wife is disrespecting him. She's outside the boundaries of a healthy, trusting relationship.

It's bad enough that she allows it to happen. It's worse that she doesn't seem to see anything wrong with it.

It's disturbing that he allows it to perpetuate with no consequences.


----------



## JohnA

There is more than one way to cop a feel


----------



## Malaise

JohnA said:


> There is more than one way to cop a feel


More than once, I'll wager.


----------



## Dyokemm

POSOM took off because he KNEW the situation was about to get tense.......they were caught red-handed by WW's BH publicly engaging in a VERY intimate act.

I have known several touchy freely 'huggers' in life, but never once have I seen one of them hugging a co-worker or friend from behind.....a hug of this type is much more intimate and suggests a deep connection between the two people.

This scumbag knew that once the shock wore off, he was probably going to be facing an irate BH.

So he did what nearly every cowardly POSOM does......ran like a c0ckroach when the light flips on.

And WW?

She is desperately trying to calm the waters so her BH doesn't try to dig more into what is really going on with this turd.

Someone else has already posted 'tip of the iceberg'.....I completely agree.

There is probably a lot more going on here than your friend suspects or knows OP.

Tell him to shut his mouth for awhile and start investigating to discover what he is really dealing with here.


----------



## Spotthedeaddog

phillybeffandswiss said:


> I specifically said me. If a woman did this to a man, I'd look at it differently. I've been raised, have observed and been told women can be friends while hugging, kissing and flirting. There are hundreds of these posts, from some women saying the same thing, all over this website. So, while I would not allow it, I'm being honest in saying I am gender biased. I'd think the man was "cop'n a feel," or "something is going on" long before I thought the same thing about a woman.
> 
> Just being honest.


I've heard similar things - however that is just the female version of the groper in the office. Which is only a problem apparently when the attacked person gets something from it. I have a bi-sexual female ex who used to do the same thing, but the guys got off on the freebie contact, and the girls used it to get attention from the guys - how she managed not get fired in a harassment case is beyond me (although in one case that -was- because she was giving benefits to her female boss)


----------



## Spotthedeaddog

Rubix Cubed said:


> It would be jail time not prison time and may very well be time well spent.


Depends on the jurisdiction, here it's prison time. [simple] assault brings a year (max) imprisonment and without parole, and the judges here weigh heavily on the longer side of that due to waiting to be seen to be doing something about violence in society. 
You think getting beaten up be the welcome committee and learning new skills, and being Bubba's new hand buddy is really worth a cheap shot that will generate 100% sympathy for him, and get you kicked from job interviews for the rest of your working life? (many companies have a zero tolerance for hiring criminals, especially with violence convictions)


----------



## Spotthedeaddog

MattMatt said:


> My last job there was a female colleague who was very touchy-feely.
> 
> She liked hugging all of her colleagues.
> 
> She really didn't mean anything by it.
> 
> I can picture her as a little girl clinging to everyone she met.
> 
> But! Re your friend, if that stuff bothers him, she shouldn't let the colleague hug her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My last LTR ex- was like that. Big hugger even strangers. But unlike OP I had no problem with something like that, and we both understood that.


----------



## Spotthedeaddog

LucasJackson said:


> ​
> Actually I'm a U.S. Marine and if some douche comes up behind my wife and wraps his arms around her he is probably going to get popped. Wouldn't be the first time and my total prison time? Zero minutes. We're not quite that chicken sh*t here in the states. Prison time for popping a douche bag? LOL!!!


the police may not react if a complaint wasn't filed.

some jurisdictions take assault very seriously, and the government and politicians campaign on anti-violence platforms have resulted in such cases getting serious attention. It's not about being chicken ... it's about being flat-footed in open ground, mens actus and mens rea being 100% in the a..holes favor. And it's treated as a felony, not just a misdemeanor type offence, because of those campaigns. What are you going to give as a defense? "he deserved it?" Judge will pretty much take that as a guilty plea and a signal of no contrition/repentance in the matter.


----------



## jsmart

This is not a case of a jealous husband being upset about a friendly hug. A man hugging a woman from behind is not even remotely normal. 

It was not said, but I wonder if the guy's groin area pressed up against her @ss. Either way, this is totally UNACCEPTABLE.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

spotthedeaddog said:


> Depends on the jurisdiction, here it's prison time. [simple] assault brings a year (max) imprisonment and without parole, and the judges here weigh heavily on the longer side of that due to waiting to be seen to be doing something about violence in society.
> You think getting beaten up be the welcome committee and learning new skills, and being Bubba's new hand buddy is really worth a cheap shot that will generate 100% sympathy for him, and get you kicked from job interviews for the rest of your working life? (many companies have a zero tolerance for hiring criminals, especially with violence convictions)


 Good point. I was speaking of my country.


----------



## Bobby5000

I am not sure I would go ballistic or dictate what she could do, but it does merit some further investigation, checking web pages, text messages, etc. He is entitled to ask if she has ever kissed him; if she calmly says no that can be reassuring, while if she becomes angry, defensive, or evasive, we may have an issue.


----------



## TRy

The Middleman said:


> @TRy please invite your friend to join the site and engage with us. While he'll get hit over the head with a brick, he'll also get valuable advice from people who have been there.


 I did invite him to post here and even had him read this thread. Just reading this thread made him feel like he was getting "hit over the head with a brick". He declined to post, but did appreciate the feedback. Most importantly, it allowed him to tell his wife with confidence and strength that it is a big deal, and demand full no contact, which she quickly agreed to. They have always had full transparency and each other's passwords when it came to online things, so that is not an issue.


----------



## See_Listen_Love

TRy said:


> I did invite him to post here and even had him read this thread. Just reading this thread made him feel like he was getting "hit over the head with a brick". He declined to post, but did appreciate the feedback. Most importantly, it allowed him to tell his wife with confidence and strength that it is a big deal, and demand full no contact, *which she quickly agreed to.* They have always had full transparency and each other's passwords when it came to online things, so that is not an issue.


That is strange...needs further explanation from her...shows me there is quilt and precaution involved. Damage control. 

I understand the hugging from behind is abnormal, so checking up on her communication IS AN ISSUE!


----------



## becareful2

Ask your friend to ask his wife to take a poly and see how she reacts. If she is stoic, go through with it and have her take the test for his peace of mind. He may get a parking lot confession or she may pass the test, but he'll feel a little easier.


----------



## TRy

See_Listen_Love said:


> That is strange...needs further explanation from her...shows me there is quilt and precaution involved. Damage control.
> 
> I understand the hugging from behind is abnormal, so checking up on her communication IS AN ISSUE!


 It is not strange that she quickly agreed to no contact, since he does not work in her department, there is no work related reason for them to be in contact with each other. As for the no issue, I meant that since they already have full transparency and share passwords, checking up on commutations would not be an issue.

Funny, you cannot win here. If she fought no contact many would say that this would show that she is guilty, yet by quickly agreeing to no contact, you say this shows you that there "is quilt and precaution involved. Damage control." The answer always appears to be guilty.


----------



## Palodyne

No, it is not strange that she immediately agreed to no more contact. The issue going forward is that they still work together and have shown an uncomfortable level of intimacy due to the from behind hugging. Inappropriate workplace relationships require no texting or calling because they can see each other daily. Thus having all passwords and access to all her accounts doesn't mean much.

Don't get on your high horse, claiming no one can win here. This is not a game. All of us posting here have seen and lived infidelity. Workplace affairs are the hardest to detect and catch. Your friend needs to keep his ear to the ground, and I would suggest his wife start looking for a new job, away from huggy bear.


----------



## eric1

No Contact between co-workers is a pile of junk. While I guess it's good that she agreed/suggested it, there is no way to enforce it.

Besides, No Contact is ALSO worthless without a No Contact letter being sent. She would need to send one (using their work email) and if it doesn't include the words 'inappropriate' and 'would feel threatened if you approach me' then you're cray cray.

Again, not like that matters much, but atleast it'll give her boyfriend pause that his job could be at risk.


----------



## Spotthedeaddog

Rubix Cubed said:


> Good point. I was speaking of my country.


Having to (successfully) defend oneself in court against charges of simple assault does give one an appreciation for the risks involved


----------



## MattMatt

jsmart said:


> This is not a case of a jealous husband being upset about a friendly hug. A man hugging a woman from behind is not even remotely normal.
> 
> It was not said, but I wonder if the guy's groin area pressed up against her @ss. Either way, this is totally UNACCEPTABLE.


Hang on. A colleague is sat down, male colleague comes up and hugs her. That's OK.

But groin to rear? That's where a line might need to be drawn, IMO.


----------



## EllisRedding

Your friend should have snuck up behind the OM and given him a big hug from behind, full body pressing... Of course, from there you could take it a step further, get him into a headlock and drop his ass to the ground :grin2:


----------



## syhoybenden

TRy said:


> It is not strange that she quickly agreed to no contact, since he does not work in her department, there is no work related reason for them to be in contact with each other. As for the no issue, I meant that since they already have full transparency and share passwords, checking up on commutations would not be an issue.
> 
> Funny, you cannot win here. If she fought no contact many would say that this would show that she is guilty, yet by quickly agreeing to no contact, you say this shows you that there "is quilt and precaution involved. Damage control." The answer always appears to be guilty.



Oh, she can SAY anything.

Talk is cheap. Buy some today!


----------



## Malaise

TRy said:


> *It is not strange that she quickly agreed to no contact, since he does not work in her department, there is no work related reason for them to be in contact with each other. As for the no issue, I meant that since they already have full transparency and share passwords, checking up on commutations would not be an issue.
> 
> *Funny, you cannot win here. If she fought no contact many would say that this would show that she is guilty, yet by quickly agreeing to no contact, you say this shows you that there "is quilt and precaution involved. Damage control." The answer always appears to be guilty.


Let me say this. A guilty person will sometimes agree to something quickly to calm down the aggrieved party. If that's what she can do, at little cost to her, to get him off her back , it's a small price to pay.

It doesn't necessarily mean she'll adhere to no contact.


----------



## Malaise

Another thing: What explanation did she give for her behavior? For allowing it to happen.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

There is something totally wrong here. He better step up to the plate


----------



## becareful2

Polygraph


----------



## TDSC60

The fact that his wife seemed comfortable, even happy, with this inappropriate hugging in front of coworkers shows that there is something between the two of them and they do not care who knows (except for the husband).

I would not rule out a polygraph after what he witnessed. Especially since she made it seem like it was not inappropriate in her mind.


----------



## bandit.45

Another work marriage huh? These are hard to fight, because it's damn near impossible to gather intel.


----------



## mistakesweremade

If the guy and the wife were having an affair, I find it really hard to believe he would hug her intimately in front of her husband. I mean, really? Pretty ballsy move. 

I think he needs to keep an eye on this, and an eye on her texting or emails if he's able to. I can just see the following -

Her - My husband wasn't comfortable with you hugging me and we can't talk anymore.

Him - It was just a hug...I wanted to do more..

Her - Oh really? Like what?

And so it begins.


----------



## TX-SC

mistakesweremade said:


> If the guy and the wife were having an affair, I find it really hard to believe he would hug her intimately in front of her husband. I mean, really? Pretty ballsy move.
> 
> I think he needs to keep an eye on this, and an eye on her texting or emails if he's able to. I can just see the following -
> 
> Her - My husband wasn't comfortable with you hugging me and we can't talk anymore.
> 
> Him - It was just a hug...I wanted to do more..
> 
> Her - Oh really? Like what?
> 
> And so it begins.


Nah, it's more like this:

Her: "My husband didn't like us hugging and we can't talk anymore" 
Him: "Really? It was just a hug. What an a-hole! He must be really controlling." 
Her: "Yeah, it gets a little overwhelming sometimes." 
Him: "Why are you married to a guy like that? I can't imagine why guys treat their wives like children."
Her: "It's really frustrating! I can't even have privacy on my phone! "
Him:" You deserve better than that."

And, from there it becomes a ***** fest and they begin bonding, etc.


----------



## weightlifter

Try. 
1) He MUST act as if the matter is settled. NO more soft confronts.
2) He needs to look around starting say Oct 1 or thereabouts. Enough for this to "blow over" Nothing all that electronic. JUST look around for missing time, phone guarding, check the cell bill etc, sudden needs to help a sick friend etc.

Not enough to go on. Its HIGHLY suspect. RWB reverberated strongly with me. Dont be RWB (Sorry bud) If he wishes he can PM me. Understand my time is very limited but my RDMU-ometer is going nuts atm. (Yes, RDMU is fine, still married, and she is still clean in all the audits which is down to about 2 fairly extensive ones a year. He lives his life as normal except those audits.) Interestingly my Curt-ometer is also going off. AKA Phillguy13's Curt doing grooming. He may have nipped it early, she was embarrassed and will toe the line.

Do 1 and 2.


----------



## Marc878

TRy said:


> I did invite him to post here and even had him read this thread. Just reading this thread made him feel like he was getting "hit over the head with a brick". He declined to post, but did appreciate the feedback. *Most importantly, it allowed him to tell his wife with confidence and strength that it is a big deal, and demand full no contact, which she quickly agreed to. *They have always had full transparency and each other's passwords when it came to online things, so that is not an issue.


Agreeing and doing it are two separate things.


----------



## WonkyNinja

TRy said:


> A friend of mine told me that he was very upset because when he showed up at his wife's work, he saw a male co-worker hugging his attractive wife from behind with his wife smiling as they chatted. She has acknowledged it was not the first time that this man hugged her from behind, but she insists that he is making too big a deal over it. Even though I told him that he has a right to be upset, he is confused. As a sanity check, I thought that I would ask what others on this site thinks about this situation. Is it a big deal and what should I advise him to do about it?


I'm often one of the lone voices on here that has little or no problem with OSFs in and out of work.

I can't imagine any of my OSFs that I would greet with a hug from behind. A big smile and a hug from in front yes, but not from behind. I'd have a problem with that out of work.

In work that is extremely unprofessional and no way to behave in the workplace. I'd have a problem with it in work, and I'll guess that many companies would as well.


----------



## Chaparral

And he just happened to walk in on them the only time this ever happened? What are the odds? Have you asked hi to check phone records or anything else. Not even that may catch what's going on at work. How often does he show up there unannounced?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## harrybrown

So did the wife agree to report him to her work for sexual harassment?

she needs to be protective of her H and stop being protective of her AP.

If she will not report the sexual harassment, then he should see his attorney.

Her smile was too much to accept and she had humiliated her H in public at her work.

she still needs to change jobs.


----------



## LosingHim

I have anxiety issues and one of my issues is that I don’t like people ‘in my bubble’ – in other words, I really don’t like people that I’m not comfortable with closer than about 2 feet from me. This includes men AND women. Unless I am very comfortable with you, I don’t even like a pat on the back. Some of my coworkers are able to pat me on the back without me freaking out too much, but it’s usually the ones I’ve worked with for a few years. Anything more than a pat on the shoulder better come from a family member or close friend. 

I guess what I’m saying is, even if this chic doesn’t have anxiety and ‘bubble’ issues like I do, she obviously feels VERY comfortable with this man if she doesn’t freak out if he hugs her from behind. To me, a hug from behind is very intimate. One of the salesmen that works for my company was here today. I’ve been working on getting him a particular part for a hot headed customer for a few weeks now. I finally got confirmation today that my part will be here tomorrow. I told him as he was walking down the hallway. He got all excited and said “Awesome sunshine! You pulled it off!” and he opened his arms for a hug. My brain was going “WTF???” but in an effort to not be rude I kind of gave him an awkward sideways half arm around the back pat and then pulled back and high fived him. And I’ve worked with this guy for 6 years! I cannot imagine a male coworker hugging me from behind – unless he knew I was comfortable with it, and if I’m comfortable with it, there’s a lot more going on than meets the eye!


----------



## The Middleman

TRy said:


> Most importantly, it allowed him to tell his wife with confidence and strength that it is a big deal, and demand full no contact, which she quickly agreed to. They have always had full transparency and each other's passwords when it came to online things, so that is not an issue.


I still don't think that this is over. You've been here a long time, you know the drill. Do keep us in the loop about how he's doing and stay close to him. Without TAM, he's going to need your support.


----------



## MattMatt

mistakesweremade said:


> If the guy and the wife were having an affair, I find it really hard to believe he would hug her intimately in front of her husband. I mean, really? Pretty ballsy move.
> 
> I think he needs to keep an eye on this, and an eye on her texting or emails if he's able to. I can just see the following -
> 
> Her - My husband wasn't comfortable with you hugging me and we can't talk anymore.
> 
> Him - It was just a hug...I wanted to do more..
> 
> Her - Oh really? Like what?
> 
> And so it begins.


I think he hugged her and then realised that he had done this in front of her husband. And then ran away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Palodyne

mistakesweremade said:


> If the guy and the wife were having an affair, I find it really hard to believe he would hug her intimately in front of her husband. I mean, really? Pretty ballsy move.
> 
> I think he needs to keep an eye on this, and an eye on her texting or emails if he's able to. I can just see the following -
> 
> Her - My husband wasn't comfortable with you hugging me and we can't talk anymore.
> 
> Him - It was just a hug...I wanted to do more..
> 
> Her - Oh really? Like what?
> 
> And so it begins.


 OR..... He was marking his territory in the husbands face, looking for a response. Doing nothing gave him the go ahead to do more. The husband should have responded sternly and harshly!! There is no acceptable comfort level of intimacy between your wife and a male coworker.

He would have been treated to a 6'3 ,275 lb man unwrapping his arms around my woman, walking him to the closest wall, and explaining to him how his world is about to change for the f*cking worse.


----------



## Dyokemm

mistakesweremade said:


> If the guy and the wife were having an affair, I find it really hard to believe he would hug her intimately in front of her husband. I mean, really? Pretty ballsy move.
> 
> I think he needs to keep an eye on this, and an eye on her texting or emails if he's able to. I can just see the following -
> 
> Her - My husband wasn't comfortable with you hugging me and we can't talk anymore.
> 
> Him - It was just a hug...I wanted to do more..
> 
> Her - Oh really? Like what?
> 
> And so it begins.


My impression from what Try posted was that this scumbag DID NOT know that this was her H....and as soon as he was introduced, POSOM took off and made himself scarce FAST.

At the very least IMO, this shows that POSOM's intentions were shady with the W....even if she stupidly believes 'oh....he's just a friend from work'.

And I still think Try's buddy should shut his mouth for awhile and really dig/investigate to find out what has actually been going on with his W and this dirtbag.

She might be innocent....or, as others have suggested, she has quickly agreed to an almost impossible to monitor NC in order to calm the waters.

Try's buddy should go dead silent and start to REALLY watch/monitor to see if he catches any further contact between them after things calm down and return to normal.......he HAS to find out if this is the extent of things or just the 'tip of the iceberg' before he ever brings it up again.


----------



## See_Listen_Love

TRy said:


> It is not strange that she quickly agreed to no contact, since he does not work in her department, there is no work related reason for them to be in contact with each other. As for the no issue, I meant that since they already have full transparency and share passwords, checking up on commutations would not be an issue.
> 
> Funny, you cannot win here. If she fought no contact many would say that this would show that she is guilty, yet by quickly agreeing to no contact, you say this shows you that there "is quilt and precaution involved. Damage control." The answer always appears to be guilty.


No, years of reading this kind of stories and how it worked out get you a kind of antenna for the subtleties of the situation at hand.

If it is an EA for example and one would ask her to break all contact, WW would fight to the end for her loved one. But if there is an alternative way of communication WW would quickly agree to calm the situation. That is what I expect here.

But *he does not work in her department, no work related reasons*, and then hugging from behind??

She should have explained why this was, it seems a major red flag to me.


----------



## Malaise

MattMatt said:


> I think he hugged her and then realised that he had done this in front of her husband. And then ran away.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Can we agree this is an intimate hug, more than the usual?

If so, why was he so bold as to do it at all? OP says he had done it before. Clearly she was not alarmed, she seemed to be at ease, enjoying it.

Why was she allowing it at all? No boundaries? Sure. Anything else?


----------



## bandit.45

I've worked in a corporate environment for twenty three-years, and not once...not once....have I ever hugged a female coworker from behind...or in front...or held hands...or put my hand on a coworker's back. Nor have I ever felt the need to. 

I can count on one hand the number of times I have physically touched a female coworker for ANY reason outside of shaking hands. If I was this guy's supervisor, and I saw him doing that to a married employee...he would be fired. No ifs, ands or buts. He would be clearing out his desk the next day and he would be gone.


----------



## bandit.45

Malaise said:


> Can we agree this is an intimate hug, more than the usual?
> 
> If so, why was he so bold as to do it at all? OP says he had done it before. Clearly she was not alarmed, she seemed to be at ease, enjoying it.
> 
> *Why was she allowing it at all?* No boundaries? Sure. Anything else?


Why hasn't he asked her that?


----------



## Malaise

bandit.45 said:


> Why hasn't he asked her that?


She agreed to no contact. Great.

But OP's friend needs to ask her..,

that's the heart of the matter, why she let it start, and continue.


----------



## The Middleman

MattMatt said:


> I think he hugged her and then realised that he had done this in front of her husband. And then ran away.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, and it's been going on for a while, I'm sure of it. I can tell you, if it were me, at a minimum, I would have gone to the HR department, regardless of the consequences to my wife. Or I would have went after him. Back in my younger days, growing up in The Bronx, me and a few of my friends would have met him after work "to explain the errors of what he did" to him.


----------



## See_Listen_Love

Why not let the man self come to this Forum?


----------



## The Middleman

See_Listen_Love said:


> Why not let the man self come to this Forum?


I asked the same question. This was the answer.



TRy said:


> I did invite him to post here and even had him read this thread. Just reading this thread made him feel like he was getting "hit over the head with a brick". He declined to post, but did appreciate the feedback. Most importantly, it allowed him to tell his wife with confidence and strength that it is a big deal, and demand full no contact, which she quickly agreed to. They have always had full transparency and each other's passwords when it came to online things, so that is not an issue.


----------



## drifter777

So he gave her a big titty-crushing, d**k-rubbing-her-ass hug? I would be 100% convinced they are screwing. If she was someone I was dating - or even engaged to - I'd dump her on the spot. If we were married I would be angry - of course - but I would hold it together and assure her that "I know I overreacted" and pretend all was fine. Then I would go into full snoop mode complete with GPS monitoring, VAR, computer/phone sleuthing and likely a PI. Then when I get undeniable evidence I would hand it to her, spit in her face and walk away. 

If your buddy thinks this is anything but sexual he is delusional.


----------



## TDSC60

I worked in an office environment for 35 years. We had a male that would hug all females he worked with. But even he never walked up behind a woman and gave her a hug. The only time I saw any "from behind hugging" was between a husband and wife who both worked in the office.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

Yep, that fellow better wake up and smell the coffee.


----------



## TRy

drifter777 said:


> So he gave her a big titty-crushing, d**k-rubbing-her-ass hug? I would be 100% convinced they are screwing. If she was someone I was dating - or even engaged to - I'd dump her on the spot. If we were married I would be angry - of course - but I would hold it together and assure her that "I know I overreacted" and pretend all was fine. Then I would go into full snoop mode complete with GPS monitoring, VAR, computer/phone sleuthing and likely a PI. Then when I get undeniable evidence I would hand it to her, spit in her face and walk away.
> 
> If your buddy thinks this is anything but sexual he is delusional.


 Wow, so just based on hearing about a hug from behind you have added in that he touched her tits (he did not), stated that it was a "d**k-rubbing-her-ass hug" and you are now "100% convinced they are screwing". Was it a cause for concern? Yes. Was it inappropriate? You bet. Would the other man probably like to screw her? Absolutely. Is it 100% proof that it is a full blown physical affair? No, of course not. It is these types of posts that stops people including my friend from posting.


----------



## TRy

MORE DETAILS: My friend's wife works at a large company with hundreds of employees, most of which she has never met. She was struggling with a project that she had never done before that took her to the other side of the building where she first met the other man. When he saw that was she struggling, and since he just completed a similar project, he offered to walk her through the project. During the walk through, they would lean over what they where looking at together with each of them sometimes looking over each others shoulders. One of the times that he was looking over her shoulder, he briefly turned it into a hug before quickly dropping it. Since they are not in the same department, are in the opposite side of the building, are not in that same lunch group, and he is clearly attracted to her, when he saw her again the day that my friend dropped by, he took the opportunity to try to reconnect with her by hugging her from behind while asking her how the project went. In answering the question she said the project went great and smiled as she thanked him for his help. At that point, my friend cut in. I would like to point out that she volunteered information about the first quick hug that my friend would have had no way of knowing about if she did not tell him.

I have know her for years. She is the type of person that always smiles, and gets other people to smile with her. Some men at first misread her smile and friendly chatting, and think something more of it, until they quickly learn that she does this with everyone (men, women, children, and the elderly) and that they are nothing special.


----------



## Evinrude58

Sounds a lot more reasonable. Thing is, what did friend's wife do to put a stop to the hugging? Smiling is usually a signal the behavior is approved of.

Hopefully this is going to be a blip on the radar. Definitely sounds like the friends wife has put together a good story, or is truthful. Hopefully the latter.
What does your friend think? Concocted story or full trust?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tobyboy

TRy said:


> MORE DETAILS: My friend's wife works at a large company with hundreds of employees, most of which she has never met. She was struggling with a project that she had never done before that took her to the other side of the building where she first met the other man. When he saw that was she struggling, and since he just completed a similar project, he offered to walk her through the project. During the walk through, they would lean over what they where looking at together with each of them sometimes looking over each others shoulders. One of the times that he was looking over her shoulder, he briefly turned it into a hug before quickly dropping it. Since they are not in the same department, are in the opposite side of the building, are not in that same lunch group, and he is clearly attracted to her, when he saw her again the day that my friend dropped by, he took the opportunity to try to reconnect with her by hugging her from behind while asking her how the project went. In answering the question she said the project went great and smiled as she thanked him for his help. At that point, my friend cut in. I would like to point out that she volunteered information about the first quick hug that my friend would have had no way of knowing about if she did not tell him.
> 
> I have know her for years. She is the type of person that always smiles, and gets other people to smile with her. Some men at first misread her smile and friendly chatting, and think something more of it, until they quickly learn that she does this with everyone (men, women, children, and the elderly) and that they are nothing special.


TRy, Do you buy her story?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TX-SC

TRy said:


> MORE DETAILS: My friend's wife works at a large company with hundreds of employees, most of which she has never met. She was struggling with a project that she had never done before that took her to the other side of the building where she first met the other man. When he saw that was she struggling, and since he just completed a similar project, he offered to walk her through the project. During the walk through, they would lean over what they where looking at together with each of them sometimes looking over each others shoulders. One of the times that he was looking over her shoulder, he briefly turned it into a hug before quickly dropping it. Since they are not in the same department, are in the opposite side of the building, are not in that same lunch group, and he is clearly attracted to her, when he saw her again the day that my friend dropped by, he took the opportunity to try to reconnect with her by hugging her from behind while asking her how the project went. In answering the question she said the project went great and smiled as she thanked him for his help. At that point, my friend cut in. I would like to point out that she volunteered information about the first quick hug that my friend would have had no way of knowing about if she did not tell him.
> 
> I have know her for years. She is the type of person that always smiles, and gets other people to smile with her. Some men at first misread her smile and friendly chatting, and think something more of it, until they quickly learn that she does this with everyone (men, women, children, and the elderly) and that they are nothing special.


Sounds reasonable, but she needs to put a stop to it and make sure he knows she is HAPPILY married.


----------



## TRy

Evinrude58 said:


> What does your friend think? Concocted story or full trust?


 Based on their history, he believes her, but he thinks that she may have liked the attention.


----------



## TRy

Tobyboy said:


> TRy, Do you buy her story?


 Honestly I do. Knowing her, I give her the benefit of the doubt.


----------



## See_Listen_Love

@TRy,

Why spoil possibly everybody's time with an incomplete story?? The last info should have been given as context right from the start!

That said, it is still a possible gas lighting story from the woman.

The hugging is even stranger....and her reaction even more if she did not know him for a long time as co-worker. So nothing changes in the needed vigilance. More investigation is needed.


----------



## Chaparral

I'm not buying it. I've never seen a man and woman act this inapprpriately. Hugging from behind is extremely sexual.
He runs off when spotting husband?
He coincidently spots them?
Bull sh!t


----------



## MyRevelation

Chaparral said:


> I'm not buying it. I've never seen a man and woman act this inapprpriately. Hugging from behind is extremely sexual.
> He runs off when spotting husband?
> He coincidently spots them?
> Bull sh!t


I gotta agree. However, there is something else that is more troubling to me ... the poster's and H's gut instinct. The H was troubled enough about it to reach out to his friend TRy. Now I don't know about you guys, but something this personal and potentially humiliating would have to be bothering the **** out of me for me to reach out to a male friend for support. Then TRy's, who is a long term member here and has no doubt seen/read enough tell tale signs of an A, gut tells him something is off enough to start a thread on an infidelity forum seeking input.

One undeniable and equally unexplainable fact I've come to embrace is that our gut is rarely wrong. I can't explain it, but it just "is". I knew my W's normal behaviors more than anyone, and my gut was screaming at me that something wasn't right enough that it prompted me to make that first google search about "women's infidelity", even though at that point in time I was convinced that she would never cheat on me. I couldn't put my finger on exactly what it was that wasn't "right", but once I started researching, it became clearer and with a few snooping tips I picked up, she was busted within a couple of days.

However, I've also seen a lot of BH's come to a forum like I did based only on a gut instinct, but then back off when their WW gives them some bull**** made up story that "sounds" somewhat reasonable, because they really don't want to be right about their suspicions only to waste months/years questioning their own sanity as their WW continues to gas light them at home, while continuing their A at work.

TRy, I honestly think you would be doing your friend a huge solid by sharing some of the snooping techniques you've seen used to out a WW for his own sanity. At least he'll find out the truth one way or the other, because if his "gut" is bothering him enough to reach out to you, then it's not going to be fully pacified by his W's story and it will continue to eat at him.


----------



## TRy

MyRevelation said:


> I gotta agree. However, there is something else that is more troubling to me ... the poster's and H's gut instinct. The H was troubled enough about it to reach out to his friend TRy. Now I don't know about you guys, but something this personal and potentially humiliating would have to be bothering the **** out of me for me to reach out to a male friend for support. Then TRy's, who is a long term member here and has no doubt seen/read enough tell tale signs of an A, gut tells him something is off enough to start a thread on an infidelity forum seeking input.


 My friend's gut was telling him that the hug from behind was a big deal and that the other man (OM) was up to no good. My gut was telling me the same thing. Neither of our guts was telling us that she was already in an affair, but it did tell us that the OM was pursuing her in the hopes of taking it there. Our guts also told us that she liked the attention and was thus at first trying to rationalize that the the hug was no big deal, until my friend called bull on this rationalization and got her to agree that the hug was highly inappropriate. I do not think that she thought through that liking the attention could lead to an affair. Now that she has agreed to full no contact with Mr. Huggy, my gut is telling me that my friend needs to stay on the alert and that he needs to closely monitor the situation.


----------



## GusPolinski

So did he go in for the full-on hug from behind -- as in complete w/ double boob scoop -- or no?

Inappropriate either way.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## TRy

GusPolinski said:


> So did he go in for the full-on hug from behind -- as in complete w/ double boob scoop -- or no?
> 
> Inappropriate either way.


 There was no "double boob scoop" or touching of the boobs. Still it was very inappropriate.


----------



## TX-SC

TRy said:


> There was no "double boob scoop" or touching of the boobs. Still it was very inappropriate.


Good. Now time for him to stop this inappropriate activity. She should tell that guy that she doesn't like being hugged from behind or any prolonged physical touch.


----------



## WonkyNinja

TX-SC said:


> Sounds reasonable, but she needs to put a stop to it and make sure he knows she is HAPPILY married.





TX-SC said:


> Good. Now time for him to stop this inappropriate activity. She should tell that guy that she doesn't like being hugged from behind or any prolonged physical touch.


I agree with you even more second time as it's irrelevant whether or not she is married. This is inappropriate behavior towards any woman who is not inviting it.

It's even more inappropriate since it's in the workplace. In public he would have deserved a hard slap round the face, at work it should be a slap round the face and reporting to HR.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Thanks, got the new story and it changes NOTHING I said. We have enough powerful women on here, who have admitted to not knowing when and where to draw the line in the business world. If you don't believe me, go pick the few you think are extremely strong and outspoken, then find a similar thread and watch how they explain "it doesn't mean anything" or "part of the game." It's the societal disconnect, which has made me have gender bias in this situation. 

They need to talk boundaries and her limits. Harassment is no joke in America and women no longer have to play the grope touchy feely game to stay employed.


----------



## bandit.45

TRy said:


> Wow, so just based on hearing about a hug from behind you have added in that he touched her tits (he did not), stated that it was a "d**k-rubbing-her-ass hug" and you are now "100% convinced they are screwing". Was it a cause for concern? Yes. Was it inappropriate? You bet. Would the other man probably like to screw her? Absolutely. Is it 100% proof that it is a full blown physical affair? No, of course not.* It is these types of posts that stops people including my friend from posting.*


But see I don't get your attitude here Try. 

Wouldn't you rather we not blow sunshine up your friend's pants and give him worst case scenario, or would you like us to give you the SI version and tell him he needs to ignore it and stay out of his wife's personal business? 

You aren't always going to get answers you like, so try developing a thicker skin and don't let the more extreme posts rattle your cage. Use what makes sense and ignore the rest. But don't come down on someone for giving you an answer that YOU solicited.


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## bandit.45

There is absolutely NO good reason for a male to touch any female coworker for ANY reason other than a handshake or to help her up off the floor if she falls. 

Hugs do not belong in the workplace. Hugs are for family, close friends, and maybe light hugs for greetings at parties. That's it, and even then a guy should only give another woman a "one-armer".


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## TRy

bandit.45 said:


> But see I don't get your attitude here Try.
> 
> Wouldn't you rather we not blow sunshine up your friend's pants and give him worst case scenario, or would you like us to give you the SI version and tell him he needs to ignore it and stay out of his wife's personal business?
> 
> You aren't always going to get answers you like, so try developing a thicker skin and don't let the more extreme posts rattle your cage. Use what makes sense and ignore the rest. But don't come down on someone for giving you an answer that YOU solicited.


 Bandit, I have a lot of respect for you and most of your posts, but I must disagree with you here. I was not looking for sunshine and I appreciated the vast majority of the often hard posts on this thread (even liking many). But when a poster falsely states that "he gave her a big titty-crushing, d**k-rubbing-her-ass hug" and states that they are "100% convinced they are screwing", I have a right to challenge them without being called thin skinned; especially since without challenge other posters that did not read all of the posts on this long thread would start using this incorrect info as a basis for writing their own posts. Also, I was speaking the truth when I said that "It is these types of posts that stops people including my friend from posting", and I make no apology for stating this fact.


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## Personal

...


----------



## becareful2

Your friend needs a serious discussion with his wife about boundaries and her lack of it. She's the type who can fall into an affair but by the time she realizes she needed stronger boundaries, it would be too late.


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## bandit.45

becareful2 said:


> Your friend needs a serious discussion with his wife about boundaries and her lack of it. She's the type who can fall into an affair but by the time she realizes she needed stronger boundaries, it would be too late.


And she would blame him for standing by and doing nothing.


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## Rubix Cubed

TX-SC said:


> She should tell that guy that she doesn't like being hugged from behind or any prolonged physical touch.


 NO she shouldn't. She's supposed to be full NC with him. So she shouldn't tell him anything.


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## Spotthedeaddog

Rubix Cubed said:


> NO she shouldn't. She's supposed to be full NC with him. So she shouldn't tell him anything.


If it's an affair, it _always_ someone elses fault. him, her, booze, parents, society, money, kids, the cat ....


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## Jntrs

as for me, i would feel disrespected and my mind would start playing tricks about this situation on how they act behind curtains, but thats just me, i would have said something but i know that i would investigate more.

also, seems like she doesn't respect him as her husband if shes ok with some co-worker hugs her like that. it all comes down to respect for me.


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## Malaise

She didn't shut it down right away and that's what your friend should think about.


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## TX-SC

Rubix Cubed said:


> NO she shouldn't. She's supposed to be full NC with him. So she shouldn't tell him anything.


Since they work together, I would assume there will be contact. She simply needs to set and enforce boundaries. If he refuses to back off, report him. 

There is nothing I have seen here indicating an affair. What I do see is a wife with poor boundaries and a guy with bad intentions. Her boundaries need to be fixed pronto. Part of that should be to put this guy in his place.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

TRy said:


> Bandit, I have a lot of respect for you and most of your posts, but I must disagree with you here. I was not looking for sunshine and I appreciated the vast majority of the often hard posts on this thread (even liking many). But when a poster falsely states that "he gave her a big titty-crushing, d**k-rubbing-her-ass hug" and states that they are "100% convinced they are screwing", I have a right to challenge them without being called thin skinned; especially since without challenge other posters that did not read all of the posts on this long thread would start using this incorrect info as a basis for writing their own posts. Also, I was speaking the truth when I said that "It is these types of posts that stops people including my friend from posting", and I make no apology for stating this fact.


Ironic. The same right you have to challenge the post, is the same exact right the poster had to make a harsh comment and the same right another poster has in saying you are being thin skinned. It is an opinion. You challenged drifter's assertion, drifter challenged what little information you gave and bandit challenged your response. 

I'd challenge the use of all the hyperbole in this thread, but I have a terrible knack of derailing threads when I start arguing semantics.


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## See_Listen_Love

TAM statistics are against the idea that there is nothing to it. Just a matter of chance, tells nothing about the reality, just about the chance.

I would guess a 50/50 chance there is nothing to it. And then I give her the benefit of the doubt. So I myself do not like the sight he saw.


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## The Middleman

@TRy I have a curiosity question: what was your friend's wife's attitude or demeanor when he went back to her and insisted on no contact? Resistance? Immediate compliance? Long discussion? What is her attitude towards him now?


----------



## TRy

The Middleman said:


> @TRy I have a curiosity question: what was your friend's wife's attitude or demeanor when he went back to her and insisted on no contact? Resistance? Immediate compliance? Long discussion? What is her attitude towards him now?


 When he went back to her to insist on no contact, there was no resistance and there was an immediate agreement to comply. There was also a long discussion about him feeling disrespected and where she acknowledged that it was a big deal and where she apologized to him for not immediately shutting it down. After reading some of the comments on this thread, he knew what to say and said it with such confidence, his logic was impossible for her to deny. One thing that hit her hard was when he asked her what does she think others at her work were thinking about her relationship with this other man, and her faithfulness to her spouse and marriage, after seeing her let this other man hug her from behind, and if this got even one person at her work to suspect that it was possible that she might be cheating on her husband, why is that not a big deal to her?


----------



## The Middleman

TRy said:


> When he went back to her to insist on no contact, there was no resistance and there was an immediate agreement to comply. There was also a long discussion about him feeling disrespected and where she acknowledged that it was a big deal and where she apologized to him for not immediately shutting it down. After reading some of the comments on this thread, he knew what to say and said it with such confidence, his logic was impossible for her to deny. One thing that hit her hard was when he asked her what does she think others at her work were thinking about her relationship with this other man, and her faithfulness to her spouse and marriage, after seeing her let this other man hug her from behind, and if this got even one person at her work to suspect that it was possible that she might be cheating on her husband, why is that not a big deal to her?


Based on the above, it sounds like he has things under control. I personally consider this a victory for TAM logic. I will say that I think he will need to monitor things for a while, including a few impromptu visits to her work place. 

He did better than I did when my wife was in email contact with her ex. When I insisted on no contact and enforced it, she didn't talk to me for 5 days.


----------



## MyRevelation

TRy said:


> When he went back to her to insist on no contact, there was no resistance and there was an immediate agreement to comply. There was also a long discussion about him feeling disrespected and where she acknowledged that it was a big deal and where she apologized to him for not immediately shutting it down. After reading some of the comments on this thread, he knew what to say and said it with such confidence, his logic was impossible for her to deny. One thing that hit her hard was when he asked her what does she think others at her work were thinking about her relationship with this other man, and her faithfulness to her spouse and marriage, after seeing her let this other man hug her from behind, and if this got even one person at her work to suspect that it was possible that she might be cheating on her husband, why is that not a big deal to her?


TRy,

The above explanation seems to have tied up some loose ends for me, and your friend may very well be one of the lucky one's that was at the right place at the right time to keep his potentially WW from falling for a steady diet of ego kibbles from OM. However, he would be wise to do some snooping to make sure he did catch it in time and that it hadn't already crossed a line many here feared ... you should be able to help him with the knowledge of what would work in his particular situation. Also, he needs to drive home the point to his W of just how close she was getting to doing something stupid, and what to watch out for from office slimeballs. In addition, and this may just be me, but I would find a way that OM gets a very strong message that there will be consequences for OM if he ever tries fishing in your friend's pond again.


----------



## Chaparral

Has your friend checked his phone bill?


----------



## Tobyboy

First of all, it wasn't a hug. A hug is a temporary moment. The OM was holding her, from behind, carrying a conversation with her as she's smiling and being receptive. To me, that's intimacy between two willing participants.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The Middleman

Chaparral said:


> Has your friend checked his phone bill?


Excellent point.
@TRy something to discuss with your friend


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## BobSimmons

TRy said:


> Wow, so just based on hearing about a hug from behind you have added in that he touched her tits (he did not), stated that it was a "d**k-rubbing-her-ass hug" and you are now "100% convinced they are screwing". Was it a cause for concern? Yes. Was it inappropriate? You bet. Would the other man probably like to screw her? Absolutely. Is it 100% proof that it is a full blown physical affair? No, of course not. It is these types of posts that stops people including my friend from posting.


I bowed out of this thread a long time ago. The supposition with the limited info was just off the charts. D*ck rubbing her ass.. quite awesome imaginations going on..hahaha


----------



## MattMatt

BobSimmons said:


> I bowed out of this thread a long time ago. The supposition with the limited info was just off the charts. D*ck rubbing her ass.. quite awesome imaginations going on..hahaha


How did you know the frottage fiend was called Richard? :surprise:


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## TRy

Chaparral said:


> Has your friend checked his phone bill?


 Yes.


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## weightlifter

Sigh. Lay low. Wait several weeks then a basic sniff around.

She is on guard atm.


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## See_Listen_Love

Tobyboy said:


> First of all, it wasn't a hug. A hug is a temporary moment. The OM was holding her, from behind, carrying a conversation with her as she's smiling and being receptive. To me, that's intimacy between two willing participants.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Is this the actual representation?

Was it a hug and after the hug the conversation with smiling and being receptive,

OR

Was it a hug and while hugging he talking and she smiling during the hugging??


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## Marc878

TRy said:


> Yes.


Clean? Or not?


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## Malaise

See_Listen_Love said:


> Is this the actual representation?
> 
> Was it a hug and after the hug the conversation with smiling and being receptive,
> 
> OR
> 
> Was it a hug and while hugging he talking and she smiling during the hugging??


A friend of mine told me that he was very upset because when he showed up at his wife's work, *he saw a male co-worker hugging his attractive wife from behind with his wife smiling as they chatted.* She has acknowledged it was not the first time that this man hugged her from behind, but she insists that he is making too big a deal over it. Even though I told him that he has a right to be upset, he is confused. As a sanity check, I thought that I would ask what others on this site thinks about this situation. Is it a big deal and what should I advise him to do about it? 

The original post.

The guy had to be very comfortable doing this which made me believe he had done this before, more than the one other time she admitted in the next sentence.

And, she seemed, by this description, to be fine with it.


----------



## See_Listen_Love

Malaise said:


> A friend of mine told me that he was very upset because when he showed up at his wife's work, *he saw a male co-worker hugging his attractive wife from behind with his wife smiling as they chatted*


I can read this in two ways:

he saw a male co-worker hugging his attractive wife from behind. AND with his wife smiling as they chatted AFTER THAT

or

he saw a male co-worker hugging his attractive wife from behind WHILE his wife smiling as they chatted

Just askin, to me it makes all the difference in the world.


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## Malaise

I read it as the latter.


----------



## Seppuku

We all read it as the latter.


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## notmyrealname4

A man hugging a woman from behind is the "doggy style" of hugs.


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## eric1

TRy, the reason why people sometimes revert to using hyperbole is because it's a (in my opinion) ineffective way to convey to your friend that what his wife was engaging in was a physically inappropriate relationship with a male coworker. It may or may not fall neatly into "full blown affair", but at this point your friend needs to play the game as if it were. His wife has given him no other choice. 

I'd excuse the folks building it up that way, as a whole we generally see a lot more people come here whose main problem is lying to themselves. Seeing you're already the intermediary to someone else, it doesn't seem like a tactic that would generally be effective. I trust that you, as that intermediary, is providing all of that additional color and skepticism that is warranted in this situation.


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## TheTruthHurts

Sounds like your friend has it under control. I would still seriously cautioned him to monitor things because of her boundary issues. She may simply be naïve and not be aware that the sharks are circling her. That's what I've monitor rather than an intentional attempt by her to have an EA or PA.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## MAJDEATH

Unless the guy is Joe Biden, a long hug from the rear is totally inappropriate in the workplace.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TAMAT

I've seen women let men hug them on the job, in fact at my current job, but in almost all cases the women had significant complaints with their spouse. The women always enjoyed the attention. The ones who didn't warned the guys immediately or threatened to take it to personnel.

Tamat


----------



## drifter777

notmyrealname4 said:


> A man hugging a woman from behind is the "doggy style" of hugs.


Yes - this was my point in my earlier post. In fact, I can't hug a woman from behind and NOT have my crotch into her backside area. And where do I put my hands/wrists/arms? Above her boobs is like a strangle-hold. Below or on them is pretty messed up. Around her tummy is a strange way to hug someone.

I would see this as a purely sexual maneuver and react to it as such. 

You want to criticize me for calling a spade a spade and then telling you what my reaction would be? Why toss a salacious thread like this out here and then rip people who give their honest view and opinion?


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## phillybeffandswiss

It is hard for some folks to take what they dish out, when it is their friends or family members in turmoil.


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## VFW

I think that this has been dealt with appropriately, but I think that it is a lesson to all that if these things are not dealt with that they can get out of hand later. Since you know the lady involved I think we can give her the benefit of the doubt, but this dude seems like a creeper. Looking over her shoulder at first, next he takes that to a hug, always slowly ratcheting it up looking for an opportunity. Once your friend held her accountable she understood the severity of the situation. We all love attention but need to be accountable for our actions.


----------



## 225985

TheTruthHurts said:


> She may simply be naïve and not be aware that the sharks are circling her.


No woman is that naive.


----------



## TRy

drifter777 said:


> Yes - this was my point in my earlier post. In fact, I can't hug a woman from behind and NOT have my crotch into her backside area. And where do I put my hands/wrists/arms? Above her boobs is like a strangle-hold. Below or on them is pretty messed up. Around her tummy is a strange way to hug someone.
> 
> I would see this as a purely sexual maneuver and react to it as such.
> 
> You want to criticize me for calling a spade a spade and then telling you what my reaction would be? Why toss a salacious thread like this out here and then rip people who give their honest view and opinion?


In response to your statement "So he gave her a big titty-crushing, d**k-rubbing-her-ass hug? I would be 100% convinced they are screwing." I stated "Wow, so just based on hearing about a hug from behind you have added in that he touched her tits (he did not), stated that it was a "d**k-rubbing-her-ass hug" and you are now "100% convinced they are screwing". Was it a cause for concern? Yes. Was it inappropriate? You bet. Would the other man probably like to screw her? Absolutely. Is it 100% proof that it is a full blown physical affair? No, of course not. It is these types of posts that stops people including my friend from posting."

It appears that you feel that I was wrong for stating the above in correcting a false statement, that had I not corrected may have become the basis of other posts going forward. You may not be able to figure out how to hug a woman from behind without it being "a big titty-crushing, d**k-rubbing-her-ass hug", but people figure out how to do it all the time when they do it to theirs mothers and daughters, so trust me when I say that it can be done. The fact that this misinformation, coupled with the use of deliberately offensive wording scares people off from seeking help on this site seems equally unimportant to you. I find it ironic that you now criticize me as you play the victim, when all I did was call a spade a spade in giving you an honest view and opinion as to why you were wrong.


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## JohnA

We had a poster here a while back who's SAHW allowed this when she went back to work in her 40s. Posters here got him to shut her down hard. He printed out most of the responses from here (she broke down in tears) and when he stop posting they seem to be in a good place.


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## See_Listen_Love

TRy, is this friend actually YOU?


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## TRy

See_Listen_Love said:


> TRy, is this friend actually YOU?


 No my friend is not me, but I am very close to them which is why I am so protective of them. Also, he decided not to post himself because after taking my advice and reading on this site, he was intimidated by some of the aggressiveness on this site. Something we regulars need to think about.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

MAJDEATH said:


> Unless the guy is Joe Biden, a long hug from the rear is totally inappropriate in the workplace.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well this it In a nutshell. The friend needs to lay it on the line with his wife that her boundaries suck and she needs to shut that behavior down. Other male coworkers notice that behavior and immediately assume she is the kind of woman who is open to being touched and flirted with. 

She lets this guy hug her like that because he has done it before, many times, and she likes the false affection.


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## MattMatt

I had a moment of embarrassment several months back at my old job.

A female colleague who I worked with for several years was upset that I was leaving, so decided to give me a hug on my last day.

I realised that when I responded to her hug I had accidentally grabbed hold of her somewhat capacious bottom! 

I quickly removed my hand, apologised and placed it on her back, instead.

She looked me in the eye, giggled and said: "That's better!"


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## The Middleman

TRy said:


> No my friend is not me, but I am very close to them which is why I am so protective of them. Also, he decided not to post himself because after taking my advice and reading on this site, he was intimidated by some of the aggressiveness on this site. Something we regulars need to think about.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 @TRy, sometimes I use strong language and aggressive posting to slap the sh1t out of passive Betrayed's (and cheaters), to get them to understand the seriousness of their situation. For example the term "affair" almost has a romantic connection to it, like it's OK. But when I say your wife (husband) is fvcking another person unprotected (and I've used worse expressions than that), it sends a completely different signal; a more urgent signal. I think that's what many are trying to do to here, is to make the betrayed (and your friend was betrayed, make no mistake about that) take action.

You have to admit that your friend's initial reaction was pretty weak, passive and he seemed wrought with fear; he could have easily wound up to be a cuckold. That is, of course until you stepped in and gave him a dose of TAM religion, for better or worse.

Please tell us what he is doing now to keep an eye on things? Has he been able to get a comfort level that there has never been anything more than hugs between them? Is going to take any further actions with the POSOM? How is his wife treating him?


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## The Middleman

MattMatt said:


> I had a moment of embarrassment several months back at my old job.
> 
> A female colleague who I worked with for several years was upset that I was leaving, so decided to give me a hug on my last day.
> 
> I realised that when I responded to her hug I had accidentally grabbed hold of her somewhat capacious bottom!
> 
> I quickly removed my hand, apologised and placed it on her back, instead.
> 
> She looked me in the eye, giggled and said: "That's better!"


Hmmmm. Natural reaction or just a slip? :surprise:


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## MattMatt

The Middleman said:


> Hmmmm. Natural reaction or just a slip? :surprise:


I stood up as she made to hug me and it was so big it just got in the way. I thought I placed my hand on the middle of her back and I didn't. 

I could feel my face glowing red. 

Luckily nobody else saw.


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## Marc878

MattMatt said:


> I stood up as she made to hug me and it was so big it just got in the way. I thought I placed my hand on the middle of her back and I didn't.
> 
> I could feel my face glowing red.
> 
> Luckily nobody else saw.


>>>>

Matts alpha caveman instinct came out for just a bit


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## Satya

TRy said:


> No my friend is not me, but I am very close to them which is why I am so protective of them. Also, he decided not to post himself because after taking my advice and reading on this site, he was intimidated by some of the aggressiveness on this site. Something we regulars need to think about.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


TRy, if your friend needs a gentler approach, SI is thataway - - - - >

I am honestly not kidding. I think it offers a different kind of advice, more suitable for posters that need greater compassion than blunt honesty. Not every style works on every person. 

While I agree that sometimes posters here can go a bit too far due to their hurt and projection, I like that this place offers the tough stuff. It's often the things you don't want to hear/acknowledge that you need the most. Then again, I also feel like we have an interesting balance of temperaments here, so from my limited perspective I actually think we have a reasonably balanced community. Not perfectly, but reasonably.


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## Malaise

bandit.45 said:


> Well this it In a nutshell. The friend needs to lay it on the line with his wife that her boundaries suck and she needs to shut that behavior down. Other male coworkers notice that behavior and immediately assume she is the kind of woman who is open to being touched and flirted with.
> 
> *She lets this guy hug her like that because he has done it before, many times, and she likes the false affection*.


Too easy going on both concerned, as was described, to be the second time.

OP, your friend should dig more on this.


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## drifter777

TRy said:


> In response to your statement "So he gave her a big titty-crushing, d**k-rubbing-her-ass hug? I would be 100% convinced they are screwing." I stated "Wow, so just based on hearing about a hug from behind you have added in that he touched her tits (he did not), stated that it was a "d**k-rubbing-her-ass hug" and you are now "100% convinced they are screwing". Was it a cause for concern? Yes. Was it inappropriate? You bet. Would the other man probably like to screw her? Absolutely. Is it 100% proof that it is a full blown physical affair? No, of course not. It is these types of posts that stops people including my friend from posting."
> 
> It appears that you feel that I was wrong for stating the above in correcting a false statement, that had I not corrected may have become the basis of other posts going forward. You may not be able to figure out how to hug a woman from behind without it being "a big titty-crushing, d**k-rubbing-her-ass hug", but people figure out how to do it all the time when they do it to theirs mothers and daughters, so trust me when I say that it can be done. The fact that this misinformation, coupled with the use of deliberately offensive wording scares people off from seeking help on this site seems equally unimportant to you. I find it ironic that you now criticize me as you play the victim, when all I did was call a spade a spade in giving you an honest view and opinion as to why you were wrong.


I don't - and never have - hugged my mother or daughter from behind because it's ridiculously inappropriate.

If you want all sweetness & light and pure sunshine blown up your ass then stop reading my posts. Nearly every post has characterized this behavior as inappropriate even if it is welcomed by the female.


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## Andy1001

Up until about five years ago I would have endless ons and short term relationships none longer than a couple of weeks.This went on for years.This act of hugging from behind is one of the ways I would greet girls that I barely knew,girls love the attention and this was a very successful seduction technique.If this other man is good looking I would bet a lot of money it has gone farther than hugging.Men should realise that no matter how loyal their wives or girlfriends are all women like attention especially from a good looking guy.Think about how you feel when a beautiful women smiles at you in a coffee shop or a bar.
Now I never attempted to hook up with married women but if there was no ring then I didn't give a damn.
The ops friend needs to hit this on the head immediately,this guy is playing the long game and he has everything on his side,she is in the same building with him every day,he can ask her for a chat too clear the air,and then ask her how she puts up with such a controlling husband.The biggest red flag is the wife is not really taking her husband seriously and this om will move in on her before she knows it.
And that is when the husbands problems will really start.


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## TRy

drifter777 said:


> If you want all sweetness & light and pure sunshine blown up your ass then stop reading my posts.


 Although I could just as easily turn exactly what you just said back at you by also saying "If you want all sweetness & light and pure sunshine blown up your ass then stop reading my posts", I do not say such things because I think that being civil in debate is the the better way. So instead I will say that if you do not want me to tell you why you are wrong, stop posting to my thread. 



drifter777 said:


> Nearly every post has characterized this behavior as inappropriate even if it is welcomed by the female.


 I said that it was inappropriate right from the very first post, but that does not mean that you get to make stuff up about what happened now does it?


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## drifter777

TRy said:


> Although I could just as easily turn exactly what you just said back at you by also saying "If you want all sweetness & light and pure sunshine blown up your ass then stop reading my posts", I do not say such things because I think that being civil in debate is the the better way. So instead I will say that if you do not want me to tell you why you are wrong, stop posting to my thread. it?


Yet you say it anyway.

On topic - what's happening with your friend with regard to this incident?


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## switcher

The friend said nothing to his wife.

Because he's weak.

If he was strong, she wouldn't have let it happen in the first place.


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## TheTruthHurts

switcher said:


> The friend said nothing to his wife.
> 
> 
> 
> Because he's weak.
> 
> 
> 
> If he was strong, she wouldn't have let it happen in the first place.




That's not what I read. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## See_Listen_Love

The trouble with this thread is we get too little info. And it is intriguing. Normally the OP, being at the case, is much more reacting to the other posters, I feel that leads quicker to a solution. This is a bit frustrating. TRy knows I guess how much can be dragged out of a little info by the members.


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## bandit.45

MattMatt said:


> I had a moment of embarrassment several months back at my old job.
> 
> A female colleague who I worked with for several years was upset that I was leaving, so decided to give me a hug on my last day.
> 
> I realised that when I responded to her hug I had *accidentally* grabbed hold of her somewhat capacious bottom!
> 
> I quickly removed my hand, apologised and placed it on her back, instead.
> 
> She looked me in the eye, giggled and said: "That's better!"



Yeah....sure mate....:wink2:


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## bandit.45

TRy said:


> When he went back to her to insist on no contact, there was no resistance and there was an immediate agreement to comply. There was also a long discussion about him feeling disrespected and where she acknowledged that it was a big deal and where she apologized to him for not immediately shutting it down. After reading some of the comments on this thread, he knew what to say and said it with such confidence, his logic was impossible for her to deny. *One thing that hit her hard was when he asked her what does she think others at her work were thinking about her relationship with this other man, and her faithfulness to her spouse and marriage, after seeing her let this other man hug her from behind, and if this got even one person at her work to suspect that it was possible that she might be cheating on her husband, why is that not a big deal to her?*


And what is even more incredible to me is that some women...some....are so clueless that they don't think about this stuff. Especially younger women.


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## TRy

See_Listen_Love said:


> The trouble with this thread is we get too little info. And it is intriguing. Normally the OP, being at the case, is much more reacting to the other posters, I feel that leads quicker to a solution. This is a bit frustrating. TRy knows I guess how much can be dragged out of a little info by the members.


 There really is not much more to post right now. What happened was posted, questions were answered, this site changed his thought process on the matter, and this thread "allowed him to tell his wife with confidence and strength that it is a big deal, and demand full no contact, which she quickly agreed to". They have always had full transparency and each other's passwords so he will be using those passwords going forwards. Further following advice from this thread, he is now laying low letting her think that he has accepted everything that she has said at face value as he investigates further. He will be following Weightlifter's posted advice to him to "Lay low. Wait several weeks then a basic sniff around. She is on guard atm." For now my friend has gotten what he needed from this site, and there may not be much new information to post for a while.


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## TheTruthHurts

Thanks for clarification @TRy - I didn't see that he is going to do the @weightlifter folliwup


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## TRy

One more thing. I reminded my friend that a famous con man once said that "you can get anyone to believe the unbelievable as long as they want to believe", and that he and I want to believe. He understood what I meant by that, and will be checking himself.


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## bandit.45

I work in construction. It is still definitely a man's world. All the guys are managers and superintendents. Alpha males all. The female employees are the AP/AR clerks, accountants, office managers and other "supporting" positions. 

I have seen often where one woman will allow this kind of behavior to start. It usually starts with her flirting with one guy, then the other guys see it and start hitting on her. Pretty soon she's like a doe in estrus with a bunch of rutting bucks vying for her affections. It pisses me off. I avoid chicks like this and I have no respect for them. 

Your buddy needs to ask her what kind of image she wants to cultivate, because if she allows this kind of patty-fingering to go on she will end up with a tarnished reputation.


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## Andy1001

bandit.45 said:


> I work in construction. It is still definitely a man's world. All the guys are managers and superintendents. Alpha males all. The female employees are the AP/AR clerks, accountants, office managers and other "supporting" positions.
> 
> I have seen often where one woman will allow this kind of behavior to start. It usually starts with her flirting with one guy, then the other guys see it and start hitting on her. Pretty soon she's like a doe in estrus with a bunch of rutting bucks vying for her affections. It pisses me off. I avoid chicks like this and I have no respect for them.
> 
> Your buddy needs to ask her what kind of image she wants to cultivate, because if she allows this kind of patty-fingering to go on she will end up with a tarnished reputation.


This is the truth.Her husband should ask her does she want to be seen as a professional colleague to her co workers or a type of office mascot.Is she a door handle where everyone gets a turn.


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## TRy

bandit.45 said:


> I work in construction. It is still definitely a man's world. All the guys are managers and superintendents. Alpha males all. The female employees are the AP/AR clerks, accountants, office managers and other "supporting" positions.
> 
> I have seen often where one woman will allow this kind of behavior to start. It usually starts with her flirting with one guy, then the other guys see it and start hitting on her. Pretty soon she's like a doe in estrus with a bunch of rutting bucks vying for her affections. It pisses me off. I avoid chicks like this and I have no respect for them.
> 
> Your buddy needs to ask her what kind of image she wants to cultivate, because if she allows this kind of patty-fingering to go on she will end up with a tarnished reputation.


 This is the type of helpful post that I ask my friend to specially read.


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## Malaise

TRy said:


> This is the type of helpful post that I ask my friend to specially read.


The sad thing is that she has to be told this.


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## TRy

Malaise said:


> The sad thing is that she has to be told this.


 You would be surprised at just how many women just do not understand this about men.


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## Sephirox

Does she not have personal boundaries with her colleagues?


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## bandit.45

Sephirox said:


> Does she not have personal boundaries with her colleagues?


She's probably a "yes" person...a people-pleaser. 

It is very possible that she does not like this kind of attention, but she is afraid to push away because she doesn't want to be seen as unfriendly or snobbish. But the problem is, you have coworkers like this asshat who have no boundaries either. This punk probably acts this way with a lot of the women at that office. He's the break room Casanova of her office.


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## Andy1001

With modern sexual harassment rules this should not occur,that is what the HR dept is for.
These type of guys are the lowest of the low and they never give up.I guarantee he will come up to the woman in question with a sad look on his face to apologise about "the incident"but he will pass some seemingly innocuous remark about her husband overreacting and how he hated to see her upset.She will be guilted into reassuring him that she is ok with him and that is when he will make his move.It starts as a cup of coffee and end in an affair.
Even if she ignores him he will just tell his sad story to another women in the same workplace and he will eventually succeed.The op's friends wife is probably not the first woman he has tried it on with but by all accounts she was not pushing him away,initially anyway.
He selects women in the workplace because they are a captive audience.
This guy would not have much luck in the dating/hook up scene because he is probably not attractive enough to pick up single women but a married women in the workplace is fair game.


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