# walking on egg shells



## in a daze (Feb 10, 2009)

terrible at typing so i copied this from another forum that i posted on. i have been reading this forum since my dilemma began, hpoe someone can give me some advice:


my wife and i have been married for 10yrs, 14 together. 3 months ago after a good sized argument, she told me she feels numb and needs some time to get her head together. she has been on prozac for 8 yrs and she stopped seeing her therapist 6 yrs ago. we have a 7yr daughter and there has been no major conflicts between us so this hit me hard. obviously, being very nervous, i was always asking what i could do etc etc, basically not giving her space( i know, big mistake). finally 3 weeks ago she said she wasnt geting time to " clear her head" and she thought it would be better for her to move out. she said the last year hasnt been great. i just got over my mother dying of cancer ( 18 yr battle) and my father was diagnosed with alzheimers. being an only child and having a close family, this really hurt. at times i put them over my family and when i needed to vent, i took a lot out on my wife. she held it in because she didnt want to upset me, but she was hurt and didnt let me know, or at least didnt make sure i fully understood how hurt she was. she found a 3 month lease in the next town over. she wanted to be close for our daughter and she did not want to sign a long term lease. she has started seeing a new therapist who told us to also think about a marriage counselor. we found a counselor and went 4 times. she didnt like that couselor because at her request i started seeing her as my personal therapist. she found another counselor who we both like and we have been there twice. the big issue now is me NOT giving her space and always asking what i can do etc etc. she says she is having a hard time geting rid of the hurt and anger she has for me because of my actions over the past year or so. i am finding it very hard to comprehend this thus i tend to be overly pushy when we do speak.. what can i do because i love her more than anything and i know that i hurt her deeply. i have changed a bit, but i am having trouble giving her time to clear her head. i am " in a daze". thanks, mike


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

You will need to learn to give her the space she is asking for. At this point that is all she is asking and you need to provide that. Easier said then done, I know. Try reading Dobson’s “Love Must be Tough” This will likely take her some time so don’t put deadlines on it. You are already doing the right things by getting her into counseling and the two of you to see some one together. Relax as best you can, let her come to you for the discussions and give it time. As a general rule, if there isn’t something new to discuss, leave it alone.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

space is a scary thing to give when you are frightened about losing your relationship. but it is such a must, even in healthy relationships. you may find yourself like me, wishing you gave space so your spouse had time to develop outside interests and hobbies, etc.

you'll wish you had if you don't. as you will read over and over here, people end up feeling "trapped" in a marriage if they can't flex their muscles a little bit. trust your spouse to not blow it. that trust comes with the territory.


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## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

in a daze said:


> terrible at typing so i copied this from another forum that i posted on. i have been reading this forum since my dilemma began, hpoe someone can give me some advice:
> 
> 
> my wife and i have been married for 10yrs, 14 together. 3 months ago after a good sized argument, she told me she feels numb and needs some time to get her head together. she has been on prozac for 8 yrs and she stopped seeing her therapist 6 yrs ago. we have a 7yr daughter and there has been no major conflicts between us so this hit me hard. obviously, being very nervous, i was always asking what i could do etc etc, basically not giving her space( i know, big mistake). finally 3 weeks ago she said she wasnt geting time to " clear her head" and she thought it would be better for her to move out. she said the last year hasnt been great. i just got over my mother dying of cancer ( 18 yr battle) and my father was diagnosed with alzheimers. being an only child and having a close family, this really hurt. at times i put them over my family and when i needed to vent, i took a lot out on my wife. she held it in because she didnt want to upset me, but she was hurt and didnt let me know, or at least didnt make sure i fully understood how hurt she was. she found a 3 month lease in the next town over. she wanted to be close for our daughter and she did not want to sign a long term lease. she has started seeing a new therapist who told us to also think about a marriage counselor. we found a counselor and went 4 times. she didnt like that couselor because at her request i started seeing her as my personal therapist. she found another counselor who we both like and we have been there twice. the big issue now is me NOT giving her space and always asking what i can do etc etc. she says she is having a hard time geting rid of the hurt and anger she has for me because of my actions over the past year or so. i am finding it very hard to comprehend this thus i tend to be overly pushy when we do speak.. what can i do because i love her more than anything and i know that i hurt her deeply. i have changed a bit, but i am having trouble giving her time to clear her head. i am " in a daze". thanks, mike


As you anwered my post I wanted to comment on yours.
My wife also claims the anger thing and though I am not 100% sure where it all came from I know that it is real. I have been thinking long and hard about our lives and I can see clearly things that I should have done differently. I cant change the past but I can shape the future. So can you, the hard thing is its easier said then done and what you want to do and what you should do are usually two different things. Like I said in my post, my wife wants time and space but in my heart thats the last thing I WANT to do, i want her with me. I know how you feel the best advice for both of us is to allow them the time. I will be keeping up with your posts as well.


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## in a daze (Feb 10, 2009)

Sportsman said:


> As you anwered my post I wanted to comment on yours.
> My wife also claims the anger thing and though I am not 100% sure where it all came from I know that it is real. I have been thinking long and hard about our lives and I can see clearly things that I should have done differently. I cant change the past but I can shape the future. So can you, the hard thing is its easier said then done and what you want to do and what you should do are usually two different things. Like I said in my post, my wife wants time and space but in my heart thats the last thing I WANT to do, i want her with me. I know how you feel the best advice for both of us is to allow them the time. I will be keeping up with your posts as well.


thanks, and cheers to us both and everyone else in our position. lets pray that it will work out


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## in a daze (Feb 10, 2009)

went out last night and a a few beers with my friends, when i got home, you dont know how hard it was not texting or calling her. i am sure the beers added to this. although it was hard, i made sure i didnt. i wasnt sure about sending her a valentines day xard, so i emailed our counselor and he said fine, if you dont call or text after. i mailed the card yesterday so she would get it before our next meetikng( this way if it bothers her, i can blame him). she will bve coming over sat. night at my daughters request to have dinner as a family and watch a movie, we will see whgat happens.


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## in a daze (Feb 10, 2009)

sta. night went well, UNTIL i started on what we could do to help out the relationship. she then said " i thought we werent going to talk about this, you are not listening( and she was right) . i through in 2 more sentences then stopped before i really screwed things up. we played a few games and then my wife and daughter went back to her apartment. i looked at the clock and it was 9:30 and i said frig it i am going out. i went out to the KOFC and had a few beers with my buddies. i really have to try and give her space without always bringing up the relationship, but its tough. i hope everyone had a decent valentines day


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

in a daze said:


> " i thought we werent going to talk about this, you are not listening( and she was right)


She is raising a huge red flag here Daze. Especially if one of her issues with her it that you don’t listen. Give her time to think this through. Remember she is evaluating your behavior at this time. She will talk about it when she is ready. Your words have little impact on her now, show her you love and respect her by your actions. Shut Up!


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## in a daze (Feb 10, 2009)

i agree 100% i am just starting to realise that there is no " quick fix" to this problem. i have always been one to fix everything immediately. i now know that this is going to take time and i have to deal with that.ty


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## Junebug (Dec 7, 2008)

in a daze said:


> i agree 100% i am just starting to realise that there is no " quick fix" to this problem. i have always been one to fix everything immediately. i now know that this is going to take time and i have to deal with that.ty


As our therapist told my H and I, "It took years to get the relationship to this point, it won't be fixed overnight". It all takes time. "What's worth the price is always worth the fight" ~ Nickelback.


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## ItsOnlyMe (Dec 22, 2008)

I too went through the "I need space" thing, and found out she waqs having an affair. Now we are off to divorce. I dont feel any better now than then. In all honesty, I'd take her back, maybe thats a dumb statement... but


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## in a daze (Feb 10, 2009)

*mini update*

couseling has been going well. i have been laying from pressuring her into a quick fix. i asked her if she would go out next friday night with me and she said she would love to. probably do dinner, then i have courtside seats to the celtics ( which she doesnt know about). hopefully things will go well and i wont go back to pressuring her. all contact re: our daughter has been fine with no fights or arguments. she definately feels that by me not constantly wanting to talk about the relationship, that i am " listening", which was one of my biggest faults. wish me luck


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Great to hear Daze. Keep up changes an be consistent in how you deal with her. The “listening “ skills with get easier with time and will become second nature. Be patient and caring. Have a great time.


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## husbandinthemking (Oct 3, 2008)

in a daze said:


> terrible at typing so i copied this from another forum that i posted on. i have been reading this forum since my dilemma began, hpoe someone can give me some advice:
> 
> 
> my wife and i have been married for 10yrs, 14 together. 3 months ago after a good sized argument, she told me she feels numb and needs some time to get her head together. she has been on prozac for 8 yrs and she stopped seeing her therapist 6 yrs ago. we have a 7yr daughter and there has been no major conflicts between us so this hit me hard. obviously, being very nervous, i was always asking what i could do etc etc, basically not giving her space( i know, big mistake). finally 3 weeks ago she said she wasnt geting time to " clear her head" and she thought it would be better for her to move out. she said the last year hasnt been great. i just got over my mother dying of cancer ( 18 yr battle) and my father was diagnosed with alzheimers. being an only child and having a close family, this really hurt. at times i put them over my family and when i needed to vent, i took a lot out on my wife. she held it in because she didnt want to upset me, but she was hurt and didnt let me know, or at least didnt make sure i fully understood how hurt she was. she found a 3 month lease in the next town over. she wanted to be close for our daughter and she did not want to sign a long term lease. she has started seeing a new therapist who told us to also think about a marriage counselor. we found a counselor and went 4 times. she didnt like that couselor because at her request i started seeing her as my personal therapist. she found another counselor who we both like and we have been there twice. the big issue now is me NOT giving her space and always asking what i can do etc etc. she says she is having a hard time geting rid of the hurt and anger she has for me because of my actions over the past year or so. i am finding it very hard to comprehend this thus i tend to be overly pushy when we do speak.. what can i do because i love her more than anything and i know that i hurt her deeply. i have changed a bit, but i am having trouble giving her time to clear her head. i am " in a daze". thanks, mike



Listen, there is nothing you can do when someone is looking for space but to give it to them. (Not unless you want to go to jail)
Want to help her out? Then agree with her. Tell her, "You know what? I think you are 100% correct in needing space." She wants you to acknowledge her feelings. 
Do some research if you want her back in your life.


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## in a daze (Feb 10, 2009)

*mini update plus advice needed*

so we went out to the game and had a good time, dinner and went to see a band after. she had a few too many wines and was tired, so i took her to her place( i hate saying that), dropped her off and went to a party one of my friends was having. i have/ had been doing well not pressuring her, although i slipped up a few times after having a few brews. this lead to me starting right back on the relationship talk, which got her back into the " why arent you listening mode". she stopped by today to grab some bills, and i told her, i want you to come home a.s.a.p and lkets continue working this out from here. she said she wasnt ready and that she felt if she came back too soon it would make matters worse. also, if it didnt work out, she didnt want to put our daughter through any more pain. i stupidly went off the deep end and asked her right out if she would feel better if i totally gave up on this relationship. i asked her if you are milking this out for any reason, why dont we get a divorce sop we can both move on with our lives and lets cut the bull sh*t. she said if she wanted a divorce, she wouldnt waiste her time at counselling and would have filed already. she continues to state that she needs to clear her head out. i know there is not another man involved, and she is still working on her meds, but after having 2-3 weeks of patience, i am finding it hard to hold back. i have pushed the d word to her a few times giving her the oppotunity to " bite", b ut she hasnt. i have been staying hjome with my sick father, and she has been the bread winner so its not like she is making money from me. i am starting to go on tilt. i do love her a ton, but i just want things fixed soon. any more advice would be awesome!


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## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

*Re: mini update plus advice needed*



in a daze said:


> so we went out to the game and had a good time, dinner and went to see a band after. she had a few too many wines and was tired, so i took her to her place( i hate saying that), dropped her off and went to a party one of my friends was having. i have/ had been doing well not pressuring her, although i slipped up a few times after having a few brews. this lead to me starting right back on the relationship talk, which got her back into the " why aren't you listening mode". she stopped by today to grab some bills, and i told her, i want you to come home a.s.a.p and lkets continue working this out from here. she said she wasnt ready and that she felt if she came back too soon it would make matters worse. also, if it didnt work out, she didnt want to put our daughter through any more pain. i stupidly went off the deep end and asked her right out if she would feel better if i totally gave up on this relationship. i asked her if you are milking this out for any reason, why dont we get a divorce sop we can both move on with our lives and lets cut the bull sh*t. she said if she wanted a divorce, she wouldnt waiste her time at counselling and would have filed already. she continues to state that she needs to clear her head out. i know there is not another man involved, and she is still working on her meds, but after having 2-3 weeks of patience, i am finding it hard to hold back. i have pushed the d word to her a few times giving her the oppotunity to " bite", b ut she hasnt. i have been staying hjome with my sick father, and she has been the bread winner so its not like she is making money from me. i am starting to go on tilt. i do love her a ton, but i just want things fixed soon. any more advice would be awesome!



I too am going on tilt, my wife told me that she wanted a divorce and was going to file, but then I never heard anything else. For the first time she agreed to go to counseling though I believe its so she can say that she did. She also asked me why I thought we should get back together and she seemed OK with the answer. However she still barely talks to me and still is mean and treats me like crap, like having my son and me walk in the rain (it was a short walk) to my daughters school for a performance when she could have picked us up. Anybody else and I would tell them to go **** themselves but I keep taking it on the chin. I want her and I love her but as I told her, even an old faithful dog that gets kicked everyday will eventually run away. I don't think she cares, yes I am very close to going on tilt. And if I found out that she was cheating on me I would at least understand why she is acting like this but then I would lose any cool that I have left. I feel your pain and frustration brother. I need to pick myself up and start to take back some control of my life. She is in complete control, how she treats me effects my whole day, week, month and so on. That is not a good feeling and its not right, I always felt like I was stronger then this..


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## in a daze (Feb 10, 2009)

*Re: mini update plus advice needed*



Sportsman said:


> I too am going on tilt, my wife told me that she wanted a divorce and was going to file, but then I never heard anything else. For the first time she agreed to go to counseling though I believe its so she can say that she did. She also asked me why I thought we should get back together and she seemed OK with the answer. However she still barely talks to me and still is mean and treats me like crap, like having my son and me walk in the rain (it was a short walk) to my daughters school for a performance when she could have picked us up. Anybody else and I would tell them to go **** themselves but I keep taking it on the chin. I want her and I love her but as I told her, even an old faithful dog that gets kicked everyday will eventually run away. I don't think she cares, yes I am very close to going on tilt. And if I found out that she was cheating on me I would at least understand why she is acting like this but then I would lose any cool that I have left. I feel your pain and frustration brother. I need to pick myself up and start to take back some control of my life. She is in complete control, how she treats me effects my whole day, week, month and so on. That is not a good feeling and its not right, I always felt like I was stronger then this..


i have read your posts and im behind you all the way. my wife and i actually dont fight at all nd seem to get along great when we are with each other. she claims to really like the counsellor and that she is trying to clear her head out. i know there is nobody else, but that doesnt mean shes going to come around to me again. i hope she starts to realize what she really wants, on e way or another. as our counsellor said," it took a long time to get to this point, it will take time to get out of it". i guess i have to believe him as ive read other womens posts on various forums, and most say that time is the key. ill keep working on myself and keep praying. gl to you my friend!!!


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

*Re: mini update plus advice needed*



in a daze said:


> i" it took a long time to get to this point, it will take time to get out of it". i guess i have to believe him as ive read other womens posts on various forums, and most say that time is the key. ill keep working on myself and keep praying.


Very very true. Patence is needed in these situations. Good luck to you both.


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