# How to handle this???



## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

My STBXW is now going through hard financial times because her dirtbag AP who is not helping her out like she thought. But she had our 18 year old son wrapped around her finger but who is now seeing the ramiifications of her decision to leave and be "single". She is broke and he is embarrassed by her behaviour. But he needs money and whenever I send him money she holds back giving him money so in essence I am giving her money. Her manipulation of money really pisses me off to the point I do not want to give to my son because it only allows her more moey for her AP? Anyone else experience this? What did you do about it? Thoughts?


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Karma's a beyotch, isn't it?

Your son is 18 and is considered grown (at least in the states - if I recall correctly Bigtone, you're in Canada, eh?) Is he still in school?

I wouldn't give him money directly. If he wants something, let him tell you what he needs and you go and purchase it for him. Of course, clothing and such is going to be tricky but you don't want to be financing your stbxw's affair.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Like the Count said. You make the purchases for your son. Or you take custody of him. Either way, I can see how she manipulates any money your son gets, and you really need to find a way to stop her from taking advantage of her own son.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

JMO, but I'd tell you son that if he wants your financial help, then he has to live in your house. Since it sounds like he is starting to realize that your XW didn't do such a great thing after all, then perhaps he's ready to "forgive you" for being hard on his mother and come back. Your XW needs to feel the consequences for her decisions, and if your son continues to side with her then he should feel the consequences for his decisions. He's of legal age. He's graduated, right? Well then he has to live by his adult decisions too.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

bigtone128 said:


> My STBXW is now going through hard financial times because her dirtbag AP who is not helping her out like she thought. But she had our 18 year old son wrapped around her finger but who is now seeing the ramiifications of her decision to leave and be "single". She is broke and he is embarrassed by her behaviour. But he needs money and whenever I send him money she holds back giving him money so in essence I am giving her money. Her manipulation of money really pisses me off to the point I do not want to give to my son because it only allows her more moey for her AP? Anyone else experience this? What did you do about it? Thoughts?


Karma's a bi*ch BT. Looks like it finally found your wife.

I like the idea of yourson moving back with you.

If I remember correctly your wife moved herself and your son to another provence.

Maybe he would come home to live with you.

Because no matter what you do she is going to take that money.

Have a real talk with him and see what he is up for.

HM64


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Bigtone, upon further reflection I think you should try to convince your son to move in with you. (If that's what you want.)

Your stbxw wouldn't have to worry about supporting him and she can focus on fixing her economic condition without you indirectly financing it. If your son won't go for moving back with you then tell him to get a job.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Do not really agree with most here. Do not use your son or try and manipulate where he lives with the purse strings. Buy him what he needs. You cannot help what your stbxw does. He will figure things out.

I know you want to make hre responsible but how has that really worked out since the A?

Do what you need to do for your kid and stop thinking about what she is doing. It will just piss you off.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

mahike said:


> Do not really agree with most here. Do not use your son or try and manipulate where he lives with the purse strings. Buy him what he needs. You cannot help what your stbxw does. He will figure things out.
> 
> I know you want to make hre responsible but how has that really worked out since the A?
> 
> Do what you need to do for your kid and stop thinking about what she is doing. It will just piss you off.


I disagree. His son is an adult and not a kid. He's not using him - his stbxw is by taking money from him that Bigtone gives him.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

survivorwife said:


> Like the Count said. You make the purchases for your son. Or you take custody of him. Either way, I can see how she manipulates any money your son gets, and you really need to find a way to stop her from taking advantage of her own son.


Thats hard to do when you kboe you will always flinch when it comes to your kids...








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> I disagree. His son is an adult and not a kid. He's not using him - his stbxw is by taking money from him that Bigtone gives him.


the last time i saw this happen in this forum the exwife was taking the monet for drugs. the husband did not know for a few months this was happening until the son called him with his aunt to let him know they needed money from him.

be careful BigTone. I know you do not have much of a relationship with your ex but your son just might need your direct assistance.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Why isn't this kid working?????


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

wiigirl said:


> Thats hard to do when you kboe you will always flinch when it comes to your kids...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


The "kid" is 18, old enough to graduate, further his education, drive a car, get a job and begin the process of "manning up" with the guidance of his parents. If one parent is merely using the "kid" as a meal ticket, it's on the other parent to steer him in the right direction which end result is that he eventually becomes independent of both his parents and can live on his own and make his own decisions


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Why not tell him to go to the bank with 25 bucks and open a bank account. Then have him give you the routing number and you can put money directly into his account.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Your son is 18 and just graduated from High School. He is an adult and has chosen to back your wife (his mom) and the other man (OM), so this is a tough one. Although giving him things means that your wife does not need to, as an adult she does not really have to give him anything. Neither of you do. This is all about helping your son and you chipping in or not.

If you want him to live with you knowing that your wife may not help out if he does, give him that option if he wants your financial support. If you do not want him to live with you and he lives with your wife because he has to, just help him out by giving him the money directly.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Sbrown said:


> Why isn't this kid working?????


I'm wondering this too. Badbane has it right.


Establish a checking account for the young man
Transfer money for your account to his account directly
Help him buy a car so he can get a job if you don't have public transportation where you live.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

When I was a teenager and my folks divorced, my dad just started to write the checks in my name. IDK but back then kids weren't as dependent on there paerents as they are now IMHO.

I mean at 16 I was buying my own socks and underwear, but that was then this is now.

It might be a good time to get your kids a jount checking acount that you can transfer funds directly to his/your acount. You might even be able to adjust your tranfer amount, while you keep an eye on the transactions.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I guess I should have read the whole thread, seeing I've just repeated what everyone else has!


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

I love the perspective that the 18 should just go out and get a job. lol 

Your son is old enough to have his own checking account and the advice to give him money directly is a solid one. 

No child wants to see one parent "punish" another even if it is warranted. He is already suffering enough by the hand of his mother. Continue to take the high road. 

Your son should come to his own conclusions. (Which is likely to be sooner rather than later as when the cash starts to flow directly to him his mother will most likely start charging him room and board and generally drive him crazy for money).


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