# Needing advice on long term relationship/marriage



## puzzled23 (Jun 5, 2013)

I have been dating my bf for a year now (we live in separate homes). My bf has been married before and has 2 kids 16 and 21 who live with his ex out of town. He went through a very messy divorce financially and emotionally. I on the other hand, have never been married and have no children. I have always wanted marriage and a family (though the kid thing is out of the question since I'm 53 now).
Shortly after we met he wanted me to move in with him but, I told him that I wouldn't unless we were engaged. We spoke about marriage every now and then and he never seemed opposed to it. He constantly tells me that he has waited his whole life for me and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. We have almost a perfect relationship and really haven't fought about anything major. We have similar interests and always have a blast with each other. My family and friends love him and his family and friends love me.
Last week we were at a party and unfortunately someone overheard saying that he never wanted to get married again.... "been there, done that" were his exact words. I confronted him on it and he said that he had every intention of marrying me until he spoke to his lawyer. He wanted to draw up a prenup but the lawyer told him that in the state of CA they don't always hold up in court. He has worked hard his whole life and makes a nice living so he is afraid that he will lose everything if we get divorced. 
Since I have never been married I really want to have the comfort of being bound legally. Call me old school, but I really believe in the sanction of marriage. It's not his money that I'm after but I do want some sort of security. He on the other hand just wants me to live with him without being married. My question is do I walk out of a wonderful relationship and hope to find someone who wants to married me or do I stay with my boyfriend in a non-committed relationship? Is there a happy median?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

When my betraying wife was finally kicked out, we divorced. She got 100% of my 401k and now I have a very meager retirement to look forward to. So some men can become bitter about such things due to getting burned badly prior.

But what I don't understand is that unless I am mistaken, CA is a common law state and after so many years (7?) if you split you split assets. He oughta know that.


It's a tough call, but your call. Live together or marry. So all I can say is this- be totally true to yourself and your values.


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## puzzled23 (Jun 5, 2013)

Unfortunately CA is NOT a common law state. Believe me, my bf knows every law inside and out.
Thanx for your reply


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I'm not being facetious asking this, but do you both have to live in California? You're both close to retirement age, right? Well, you have a few years, but you're getting close to it and could move somewhere else in retirement. I'm wondering if moving to a state where prenups are typically held up is an option for the two of you. That way he gets some security from knowing his pre-marriage assets are protected and you have the satisfaction of calling him husband.


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## puzzled23 (Jun 5, 2013)

My bf has to live in CA because of his job. Unfortunately he wants to wait to retire until he is 70-75 so we couldn't move for quite sometime. Believe it or not, I proposed that to him already.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

puzzled23 said:


> I have been dating my bf for a year now (we live in separate homes). My bf has been married before and has 2 kids 16 and 21 who live with his ex out of town. He went through a very messy divorce financially and emotionally. I on the other hand, have never been married and have no children. I have always wanted marriage and a family (though the kid thing is out of the question since I'm 53 now).
> Shortly after we met he wanted me to move in with him but, I told him that I wouldn't unless we were engaged. We spoke about marriage every now and then and he never seemed opposed to it. He constantly tells me that he has waited his whole life for me and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. We have almost a perfect relationship and really haven't fought about anything major. We have similar interests and always have a blast with each other. My family and friends love him and his family and friends love me.
> Last week we were at a party and unfortunately someone overheard saying that he never wanted to get married again.... "been there, done that" were his exact words. I confronted him on it and he said that he had every intention of marrying me until he spoke to his lawyer. He wanted to draw up a prenup but the lawyer told him that in the state of CA they don't always hold up in court. He has worked hard his whole life and makes a nice living so he is afraid that he will lose everything if we get divorced.
> Since I have never been married I really want to have the comfort of being bound legally. Call me old school, but I really believe in the sanction of marriage. It's not his money that I'm after but I do want some sort of security. He on the other hand just wants me to live with him without being married. My question is do I walk out of a wonderful relationship and hope to find someone who wants to married me or do I stay with my boyfriend in a non-committed relationship? Is there a happy median?


Sometimes, pre-neputials are mis-understood.

What me and my wife did was create separate estates before we got married. 

Then, we specified what assets we had in each estate.

The point being, if we go to divorce court, what she owned when she came into the marriage and what I owned when i came into the marriage was specified. There would be no disputing who had what when we got married.

The only thing that would be divided, if we got divorced, was the community property we had accumulated while we were married which would be split down the middle.

Bottom line. She get's what she had going into the marriage. I get what I had going into the marriage and we split 50:50 what we accumulated while we were married.

I did not specify the terms of the divorce.. 

Also, the income MY estate generated while I was married.. stayed in my estate and was mine. The same for her.

And before you get your knickers in an uproar, she had already received her inheritance so she had some assets to protect.


You think he would go for that kind of an arrangement?


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

What did he say when you proposed marrying in a different state? Does one of you have to be a resident there for a pre-nup to hold? 
As for myself, if I had a great guy, and my family loved him, and marriage really has made him gun shy I might just throw caution to the wind and live with him. But that's just me. Compatibility is so hard to find. 
And what about 'palimony' apparently he doesn't worry about that?


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