# I asked my husband to leave tonight...



## Lostinlove88 (May 15, 2021)

Tonight after a heated argument with my husband I asked him to leave.
My husband and I have never had a perfect relationship, we've had many ups and downs over the last 7 years. And truthfully, I think we tried to move past our problems in the past because we've been together so long (11 years before we got married) but the same issues come up over and over again - I feel like I'm at my breaking point.
Over the last few months I've been struggling mentally and emotionally between our kids, my job (I work on average 10 hours a day) and my husband's lack of help. He's an amazing father and would do anything for our kids but other than that he's useless and relays on me to do everything else. He will literally do nothing unless I tell him to do it. He will sit back and let me do everything and not lift a finger, despite me asking over and over for help.
This past Wednesday I had a massive panic attack from being so stressed out, he promised to help me more. It's only Saturday and nothing has changed, and once again he's not helping me at all. Here I am again recovering from another panic attack, confused on what to do. 
How do you know when your marriage is over? Or how do you know when to call it quits?


----------



## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

What was his response? Because once you are divorced you’ll be doing it all anyway. Do you think marriage counseling might help him see how important this issue is to you?


----------



## Lostinlove88 (May 15, 2021)

notmyjamie said:


> What was his response? Because once you are divorced you’ll be doing it all anyway. Do you think marriage counseling might help him see how important this issue is to you?


He wanted to talk about it but we ended up fighting more. He said playing with the kids is his way of helping me. Once he said that I asked him to leave and he just left, haven't heard a word from him since. We've tried counseling in the past for another issue several years ago, it didn't really help unfortunately. I'm a little sceptical it'll help this time.


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Lostinlove88 said:


> How do you know when your marriage is over? Or how do you know when to call it quits?


I don't know if you ever really do. You can set limits, such as "if things are the same in x months" or "if he refuses therapy or it doesn't work after x months" but eventually you just have to make the decision.

If you go to a therapist with this they tend to ask how you got to this point, why the marriage would be worth saving, how/why you got involved and married, and to tell them about your relationship. If your answers and memories are all or mostly negatives, that's not a great sign.


----------



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

I think you two could have benefited from MC before it came to this. 

Maybe a budget adjustment so you could get a cleaning person or some other help once in a while could be helpful 

Since you said he does a task if you specifically ask him to, I'm not sure why you don't just ask. My husband doesn't do much unless I say "Honey can you please *_*." But then he does it no Qs ask. Yes, you feel a bit like a mom rather than a wife with a partner but it's better than divorce, IMO. 

Somewhere in here you could use some conflict resolution skills too because now this is a trigger for you & you react harshly to the slightest provocation


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Does he have a job and does he keep a job and pay bills?
If he doesn’t have a job, or don’t keep a job— he won’t change. Most men keep a job and take care of their families. They may be imperfect in other areas, but they at least know they are the provider and do that.
if he has no job, you’re better off without him. Find a partner in life and not another child to support.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Is there any way you can afford to work less hours? 50 hours a week seems crazy. Few jobs would expect you to work those hours.
Or could you maybe work part time?
As you both work can you afford a cleaner say once a week?
Have you tried sitting down and writing down all that needs doing and marking 'his and yours' jobs?
Seems v sad that you would end the marriage especially as you will have even more stress as a single mum.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

What @Diana7 said. Why are you working ten hours per day? You're putting your job ahead of your family. Bless you for being a financial contributor to your marriage, but are your financial contributions worth the damage they are causing?


----------



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> 50 hours a week seems crazy. Few jobs would expect you to work those hours.


Different perspective here. I don't know any good jobs that require only 50 hours per week. 60+ is the norm in my world. 

Rather than working less, because that is probably not financially realistic, IMO a better option would be to use some of those earnings to free up your time by say getting a housekeeper so then it's not about you doing everything & you would have more time to relax / be less stressed. You have to recharge your own batteries to function optimally. No wonder you have a short fuse if you are the only one doing everything but I'd get domestic help before I got a divorce.


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Lostinlove88 said:


> How do you know when your marriage is over? Or how do you know when to call it quits?


 when the pain of staying is more than the pain of leaving , 
it is sadly easier to get into a marriage than get out of one , 

but there is no point in dragging it out for years ,


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

D0nnivain said:


> Different perspective here. I don't know any good jobs that require only 50 hours per week. 60+ is the norm in my world.
> 
> Rather than working less, because that is probably not financially realistic, IMO a better option would be to use some of those earnings to free up your time by say getting a housekeeper so then it's not about you doing everything & you would have more time to relax / be less stressed. You have to recharge your own batteries to function optimally. No wonder you have a short fuse if you are the only one doing everything but I'd get domestic help before I got a divorce.


The usual hours of almost everyone I know are 35-40 and that's all sorts of types of jobs in many different settings.
Dont know anyone who works more than 40.


----------



## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

Many people in the US work that much. I was in a similar situation with my h.. he literally did nothing unless I told him to. I got a white board and put the things on there that HE was responsible for. Lo and behold they are still being done..this is since OCT. This way I do not feel like the parent nor the nag. As for if it is over.. you need to assess your feeling for him.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> The usual hours of almost everyone I know are 35-40 and that's all sorts of types of jobs in many different settings.
> Don't know anyone who works more than 40.


A lot of people in healthcare in the US work that many hours.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

About the only people in the U.S. who work 40 hours are the non-exempts. An employer wouldn't hire you as an exempt (salaried) if you were expecting to only work 40 hours. That's considered to be lacking ambition.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> Is there any way you can afford to work less hours? 50 hours a week seems crazy. Few jobs would expect you to work those hours.


If OP is in the US this is fairly standard. I haven't known anyone who works less than 50 hours a week since we were teenagers with first jobs. If you're blue collar and not willing to work more than 45-50 hrs, minimum, good luck finding an employer who will keep you on.



Lostinlove88 said:


> He will literally do nothing unless I tell him to do it. He will sit back and let me do everything and not lift a finger, despite me asking over and over for help.


How are you telling him? Are you clear about what, exactly, you need him to do and when? Is there any ambiguity? Do you hint around, toss some snark maybe, and figure he should know what you need because you said words that any idiot would understand? Because some men really do need to be hit with a 2x4 to get it.


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> The usual hours of almost everyone I know are 35-40 and that's all sorts of types of jobs in many different settings.
> Dont know anyone who works more than 40.


it is nice to have a job that you can get a weeks pay for a weekends work lol only a joke .
my son works one job starts at 6 am so leaves home at 5.30 ends 13h and starts another fro himself 14h 30 until 21h some evening it can be later and weekends 
and we work 7 am to 9 pm every day 7 days a week ,


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Lostinlove88 said:


> He's an amazing father and would do anything for our kids but other than that he's useless and relays on me to do everything else. *He will literally do nothing unless I tell him to do it.* *He will sit back and let me do everything and not lift a finger, despite me asking over and over for help*.


So there's a big difference between the first bolded statement where you say he did nothin without being told to do it, and your second sentence where you say he won't help after being asked. Which is it? You can work with the former but not the latter. 




> This past Wednesday I had a massive panic attack from being so stressed out, he promised to help me more. It's only Saturday and nothing has changed, and once again he's not helping me at all. Here I am again recovering from another panic attack, confused on what to do.
> How do you know when your marriage is over? Or how do you know when to call it quits?


Here's my 2 cents. When the dynamics in the relationship starts to affect your mental health, it's time to cut bait. Nothing is worth your mental or physical well-being.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Sfort said:


> What @Diana7 said. Why are you working ten hours per day? You're putting your job ahead of your family. Bless you for being a financial contributor to your marriage, but are your financial contributions worth the damage they are causing?


 Do you think it's her sole responsibility to take on all of the domestic responsibilities in her marriage? 

Her financial contributions are not damaging anything. Her husband's lack of initiative to live like an adult is the true problem.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> If OP is in the US this is fairly standard. I haven't known anyone who works less than 50 hours a week since we were teenagers with first jobs. If you're blue collar and not willing to work more than 45-50 hrs, minimum, good luck finding an employer who will keep you on.
> 
> 
> 
> How are you telling him? Are you clear about what, exactly, you need him to do and when? Is there any ambiguity? Do you hint around, toss some snark maybe, and figure he should know what you need because you said words that any idiot would understand? Because some men really do need to be hit with a 2x4 to get it.


How sad that they don't care about their employees families. The children must rarely see their parents.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> The usual hours of almost everyone I know are 35-40 and that's all sorts of types of jobs in many different settings.
> Dont know anyone who works more than 40.


You don’t know many people, Diane. Few people I know only work 40 hrs.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sfort said:


> A lot of people in healthcare in the US work that many hours.


I have a good friend and a family member who work in healthcare, both work about 37.5 hours a week. 
Goodness your children must spend 10 or eleven hours a day in childcare. Poor kids.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> You don’t know many people, Diane. Few people I know only work 40 hrs.


I know and have known many thousands of people. Scientists, nurses and other healthcare workers, teachers, professors, occupational health workers, IT workers, charity workers, doctors, engineers, librarians, local govt workers, airline staff, etc etc nearly all work 37.5 hours weeks. If they work more they usually get overtime but not many have to.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It appears there are some gross assumptions being made based on gender. For all any of us know, the OP brings home the lion's share of the bacon and her husband's monetary contribution is his spending money for - you know, his hair & nails and romance novels.😅


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> It appears there are some gross assumptions being made based on gender. For all any of us know, the OP brings home the lion's share of the bacon and her husband's monetary contribution is his spending money for - you know, his hair & nails and romance novels.😅


She hasn't commented on her husband's hours of work or earnings.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Lila said:


> Do you think it's her sole responsibility to take on all of the domestic responsibilities in her marriage?


No, and I didn't say that. 



> Her financial contributions are not damaging anything. Her husband's lack of initiative to live like an adult is the true problem.


I agree that her financial contributions are not causing damage. I never said they were. *If* anything is damaging, it's spending more than ten hours per day away from home. And I totally agree with you on her husband.

Men have endured the criticism of spending too much time away from the kids for generations. Who knows? Maybe the kids were better off without them around.

It's fantastic that LIL is working hard for her family. That's what I said. Even my asking the question is not being critical.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> I have a good friend and a family member who work in healthcare, both work about 37.5 hours a week.


You're in the UK, though, where they tell people who are dying to come back tomorrow. And before others say I incorrectly stated that OP was in healthcare, I did not say that. I merely made a statement that I know to be factual. Just because I used healthcare workers as an example, that doesn't mean I'm saying that ONLY healthcare workers in the US regularly work more than 40 hours per week.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Blondilocks said:


> It appears there are some gross assumptions being made based on gender. For all any of us know, the OP brings home the lion's share of the bacon and her husband's monetary contribution is his spending money for - you know, his hair & nails and romance novels.😅


Wow, that's sexist. 

I'm kidding!!!


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Sfort said:


> No, and I didn't say that.
> 
> 
> I agree that her financial contributions are not causing damage. I never said they were. *If* anything is damaging, it's spending more than ten hours per day away from home. And I totally agree with you on her husband.
> ...



What about her post made you think that her working 10 hours a day is causing damages?



Sfort said:


> but are your financial contributions worth the damage they are causing


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Lila said:


> What about her post made you think that her working 10 hours a day is causing damages?


If there is any damage, it's about her being gone, not about her making money. Do you think it's unnecessary for parents to spend time with their kids?


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Sfort said:


> If there is any damage, it's about her being gone, not about her making money. Do you think it's unnecessary for parents to spend time with their kids?


I'm specifically asking why you thought to blame her work day based on the information she posted in the OP regarding her husband's inability to do his fair share of the housework? What does her working 10 hours a day have to do with the damages caused by her husband's inability to do chores?


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Lila said:


> I'm specifically asking why you thought to blame her work day based on the information she posted in the OP regarding her husband's inability to do his fair share of the housework? What does her working 10 hours a day have to do with the damages caused by her husband's inability to do chores?


Nothing. I never mentioned her husband until you did. My comment was about ten-hour work days. 

Now I'm specifically asking you. Do you think it's unnecessary for parents to spend time with their kids?


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Sfort said:


> Nothing. I never mentioned her husband until you did. My comment was about ten-hour work days.


But her OP was not asking if her working schedule was damaging to herself or her relationship with her spouse. That's why I'm asking where that opinion came from. It looks like it's irrelevant to her issue since she's not asking about that. 



> Now I'm specifically asking you. Do you think it's unnecessary for parents to spend time with their kids?


I think it's necessary for parents to spend time with their kids. How they do that is up to them. My ex and I worked long hours and (please sit down for this one), we TRAVELED for work. We spent plenty of time with our son. How? We recognized the need to be a TWO parent household needing adulting. He went to work early and I had a flexible schedule where I could work a 6.5 hour regular daily schedule (+ commute). My ex would come home after his 10 hour day, then pick up kid/house duty for a few hours to let me finish my work day. We each got to spend one on one time with our son. 

See, a 10 hour long work day doesn't have to cause damages if both parents understand that when one is busy, the other picks up the slack and vice versa.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sfort said:


> You're in the UK, though, where they tell people who are dying to come back tomorrow. And before others say I incorrectly stated that OP was in healthcare, I did not say that. I merely made a statement that I know to be factual. Just because I used healthcare workers as an example, that doesn't mean I'm saying that ONLY healthcare workers in the US regularly work more than 40 hours per week.


You have a very wrong idea of our health service. We offer healthcare for all, the rich and poor, the haves and the have nots. It's also really good. My SIL is going through treatment for breast cancer right now, she said the staff have all been brilliant. We are very blessed.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Sfort said:


> You're in the UK, though, where they tell people who are dying to come back tomorrow. And before others say I incorrectly stated that OP was in healthcare, I did not say that. I merely made a statement that I know to be factual. Just because I used healthcare workers as an example, that doesn't mean I'm saying that ONLY healthcare workers in the US regularly work more than 40 hours per week.





Diana7 said:


> You have a very wrong idea of our health service. We offer healthcare for all, the rich and poor, the haves and the have nots. It's also really good. My SIL is going through treatment for breast cancer right now, she said the staff have all been brilliant. We are very blessed.


You two please don't start yet another thread jack about health care when the OP was asking about divorcing her husband and we don't even know if ANYONE involved is in health care?

HMMMM?

Can we just stick to trying to help the OP?


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Anastasia6 said:


> You two please don't start yet another thread jack about health care when the OP was asking about divorcing her husband and we don't even know if ANYONE involved is in health care?
> 
> HMMMM?
> 
> Can we just stick to trying to help the OP?


Sure. I give up. Hopefully the Super Mods will delete all of my posts. There's something in the drinking water.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Lostinlove88 said:


> He wanted to talk about it but we ended up fighting more. He said playing with the kids is his way of helping me. Once he said that I asked him to leave and he just left, haven't heard a word from him since. We've tried counseling in the past for another issue several years ago, it didn't really help unfortunately. I'm a little skeptical it'll help this time.


OP first does your husband work full time?
I understand your frustration. He wants to do the playing and leave everything else to you. When do you get to connect with your children? 
How old are your children?
Why did it take 11 years to get married? Did he not display any of these behaviors before you got married?
Have you ever sat down and made a list of everything that has to get done in a week? in a month? and then put names beside those things? pinned it to the fridge?
Obviously it seems he is just ignoring the obvious but if there is a list there can be accountability.

Also answer Lila. Does he do things when you ask? or does he ignore you over and over when asked?

The big final answer. Imagine your life without him. Does it seem better? Does it seem worse? 
The way you write it appears life would be better without him but you've had a day in the life? Was it good when he was gone? Has he come back ? contacted you?
Did you try to contact him? Where do you imagine he went?

_hugs_


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> You don’t know many people, Diane. Few people I know only work 40 hrs.


In the UK 40 hours is the norm.

And the OP is showing a Canadian flag, so they aren't in the USA.

Please let's keep this on topic.


----------



## Lostinlove88 (May 15, 2021)

I definitely didn't expect my work schedule to become such a hot topic. For clarification for everyone, yes my husband works. He is unionized and works his set 7-3pm Monday to Friday while myself I do have a very demanding corporate job. And yes I recognize working the amount I am right now isn't healthy for myself or for my family. I am actively looking for another job, but haven't had much luck yet. I am trying to change this aspect of my life.
Also to clarify for everyone, I have continuously asked my husband to help me and if I tell him to do something he will do it. But that's not my issue, my issue is I'm not his mother I'm his wife. I shouldn't have to tell him put your clothes away, wash your dirty dishes, etc. Over and over again I tell him I'm burnt out, he's seen me having panic attacks and crying asking for more help but nothing ever seems to change. He tells me he'll help more and the next day it's the same BS. I love my husband but I'm sick of mothering him and want him to help me. 
I feel like I'm at my breaking point, I love my husband, I struggle to imagine my life without him but I feel like I need a partner that will support me and lately it feels like all he's doing is pulling me down.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Lostinlove88 said:


> I feel like I'm at my breaking point, I love my husband, I struggle to imagine my life without him but I feel like I need a partner that will support me and lately it feels like all he's doing is pulling me down.


We are on your side, and we'll try to help.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Lostinlove88 said:


> I definitely didn't expect my work schedule to become such a hot topic. For clarification for everyone, yes my husband works. He is unionized and works his set 7-3pm Monday to Friday while myself I do have a very demanding corporate job. And yes I recognize working the amount I am right now isn't healthy for myself or for my family. I am actively looking for another job, but haven't had much luck yet. I am trying to change this aspect of my life.
> Also to clarify for everyone, I have continuously asked my husband to help me and if I tell him to do something he will do it. But that's not my issue, my issue is I'm not his mother I'm his wife. I shouldn't have to tell him put your clothes away, wash your dirty dishes, etc. Over and over again I tell him I'm burnt out, he's seen me having panic attacks and crying asking for more help but nothing ever seems to change. He tells me he'll help more and the next day it's the same BS. I love my husband but I'm sick of mothering him and want him to help me.
> I feel like I'm at my breaking point, I love my husband, I struggle to imagine my life without him but I feel like I need a partner that will support me and lately it feels like all he's doing is pulling me down.


Your husband might be carrying his "unionised" attitude from his workplace to his family home and that just doesn't fly. Would he allow this kind of nonsense from a work colleague who refused to pull his weight? Of course he wouldn't! So why does he think being a dreadful husband is excusable? And he plays with his children? He can do that can do household chores, too.

He isn't being a good husband. He needs to help with the cleaning, shopping, laundry, etc.

I would suggest marital counselling, unless he's too lazy to attend? Then maybe visit a Solicitor/lawyer if that's the case?


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

some mothers expect their boys to do nothing , but their girls to help out , I have seen this where even at table one mother would hand out the plates to the boys first when one of the girls asked why do you feed the boys first her mother said , "I don't know it is what I do as it is what my mother did and I do the same . 
some men think it is their right to do nothing , 
he could get the kids to play while helping him if he wanted ,


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Lostinlove88 said:


> I definitely didn't expect my work schedule to become such a hot topic. For clarification for everyone, yes my husband works. He is unionized and works his set 7-3pm Monday to Friday while myself I do have a very demanding corporate job. And yes I recognize working the amount I am right now isn't healthy for myself or for my family. I am actively looking for another job, but haven't had much luck yet. I am trying to change this aspect of my life.
> Also to clarify for everyone, I have continuously asked my husband to help me and if I tell him to do something he will do it. But that's not my issue, my issue is I'm not his mother I'm his wife. I shouldn't have to tell him put your clothes away, wash your dirty dishes, etc. Over and over again I tell him I'm burnt out, he's seen me having panic attacks and crying asking for more help but nothing ever seems to change. He tells me he'll help more and the next day it's the same BS. I love my husband but I'm sick of mothering him and want him to help me.
> I feel like I'm at my breaking point, I love my husband, I struggle to imagine my life without him but I feel like I need a partner that will support me and lately it feels like all he's doing is pulling me down.


Is if possible to get some part time help to come in and do some cleaning, laundry etc as it is not possible for you to do it all. You both work, may have all the money in the world but neither will be happy. If you could have some me time, your perspective might change and you will feel like inclined to dump your H.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Lostinlove88 said:


> .........Also to clarify for everyone, I have continuously asked my husband to help me and if I tell him to do something he will do it. But that's not my issue, my issue is *I'm not his mother I'm his wife*. I shouldn't have to tell him put your clothes away, *wash your dirty dishes*, etc. Over and over again I tell him I'm burnt out, he's seen me having panic attacks and crying asking for more help but nothing ever seems to change. He tells me he'll help more and the next day it's the same BS. I love my husband but *I'm sick of mothering him and want him to help me.*
> I feel like I'm at my breaking point, I love my husband, I struggle to imagine my life without him but I feel like I need a partner that will support me and lately it feels like *all he's doing is pulling me down.*


I think I can understand your issues, but words have meaning and actions have consequences.

You said you asked him to leave and he left and didn't contact you. Well you might have meant please give me some alone time to calm down and sort things out, or you could have meant, I want a trial separation to see if we should remain married. It is hard for us to know what you wanted. In a long term relationship often a spouse will know through tone of voice, body language, facial expression what their spouse really means. You probably need to reflect on what you both wanted to communicate to him and what he understood you to say.

I can definitely understand that not wanting to be your H's mother. However, again, you need to be careful. For example, in the past my wife has wanted me to do the laundry and I have. But she doesn't like the way I do the laundry or how I fold things. She has asked me to help do the cooking, but complains I don't make food "the way she likes it prepared." She will also complain that I make foods that she doesn't like. I point out that there are many foods I like, that she will not cook. She has told me I can order those foods when we go out to dinner. After a while, I gave up on each, because nothing I would do every satisfied her. I will offer to cook, but make it very clear, that I get to plan the menu and if she doesn't like that we can do take out. Please do some introspection on the things you feel he isn't helping with and if you may have partially contributed to his responses.

Marriage (to me) is about a commitment to try to work things out. You and your spouse may have reached the breaking point. If that is the case then you have every right to ask for a separation, ask him to leave the house (but don't be surprised is the marital expenses need to support some of his new housing costs). But you also need to understand that your actions may have unintended consequences that you will have to live with and accept as your being responsible for.

Even though you feel marriage counseling will not work, you might give it a try for the sake of your kids. 

Whatever happens good luck and I hope you find the happiness you want.


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

A simple solution would be a cleaner and to lower some expectations. It’s tough having a career and kids and a clean house. That’s a very black and white way of looking at it but with a small and simple solution. We just can’t have it all. And if you’re having crippling panic attacks, that’s a warning sign that somethings got to give. Is being a single mum going to help the burnout? You’ll have a whole new set of stresses as a single mum, so I don’t recommend making a decision about the marriage based on chores. Get a cleaner. Even once a week. 

Both of you are working so you are placing huge demands on yourselves to keep the house just clean. I’ve seen too many marriages go to waste over laundry. It doesn’t have to be that way, get some time back. You don’t have to reduce your hours, it’s pressure on him and on you.

Yes he’s working less, but someone needs time to just hang with the kids too. Kids need that more than a clean house. Kids will be fine if both parents work, but they won’t be fine if the only parent available is always cleaning - remember the kids always, they need some parent time too. I mean all of this kindly, it really is just housework and if you’re time poor, they just need good food, clean clothes and someone to be available for all the other stuff they need.

Heck I remember a mum’s group for PND where health professionals told us it was totally ok to sometimes feed the kids weet-bix and milk or eggs for dinner if it meant mum and dad were going to preserve some sanity, and had that extra time to just sit and play with our kids.

Always remember the big picture ❤


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> How sad that they don't care about their employees families. The children must rarely see their parents.


Actually I know several employers that care greatly for their employees. I have worked for some great people over the years and some not so great.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> I have a good friend and a family member who work in healthcare, both work about 37.5 hours a week.
> Goodness your children must spend 10 or eleven hours a day in childcare. Poor kids.



My kids never spent one day in daycare, even when my wife worked.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Luckylucky said:


> A simple solution would be a cleaner and to lower some expectations.


This... we never had a cleaner - we shared the chores - but we had to lower the standards somehow. Some days the house wan't pretty, but you need to take your mental health into account.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

After the stunt he pulled on your wedding anniversary two months ago, it's obvious he takes you for granted. You are not a priority for him.

Given that he has the easier work day, it would make sense for him to be able to not only pick up after himself but to also take some of the household chores over completely. He could even have dinner going by the time you get home.

He's living like a 1950s husband only he doesn't have a stay at home wife. It's time for him to get with the program a two-income household requires.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> You are not a priority for him.


They seem to be living on two different planets. Or he is just a bastard...


----------



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Lostinlove88 said:


> , yes my husband works. He is unionized and works his set 7-3pm Monday to Friday while myself I do have a very demanding corporate job.
> 
> , my issue is I'm not his mother I'm his wife. I shouldn't have to tell him put your clothes away, wash your dirty dishes, etc. Over and over again I tell him I'm burnt out, he's seen me having panic attacks and crying asking for more help but nothing ever seems to change.


If hubby gets home around 4 while you are still at work -- home work supervision, making dinner & throwing in a load of laundry are definitely his chores. Consider the white board chore list somebody else mentioned.

Also how about this, since he's a union worker -- you two need to renegotiate the collective bargaining agreement that governs your home. Union workers live & die by the terms of the CBA. They don't do a thing that is not spelled out by that contract & heaven help someone that doesn't live up to every single thing that was promised to the union in that agreement. So it's time to bring him to the bargaining table & set forth how your house will run -- spell out the division of labor. But you are also going to have to build in some "fringe benefits" -- what do each of you get for going over & above? A hour of peace & quiet? A foot massage? A special meal? You watch the game with him & bring him beers / snacks? He take you for a mani-pedi? The perks can be anything but they have to be in there.


----------

