# "Types" of indefinitely



## teutonic_metal (12 mo ago)

Greetings,
I have recently posted new and there are some updates to my story. First, I don't have a lot of proof my wife physically cheated other than an email I found in her personal email. It was a draft and it didn't say to whom but she was typing something like, "In response to your questions, her are my likes... Dislikes... Hobbies... Favorite foods... Etc." It's about 1 year old. It was really strange and she never sent it out. 
Emotional Infidelity - I believe she did that to me. She withdrew from me severely (lots of arguments) the last several months but talked about this guy at work a lot and their "great" conversations. I mean I was accepted to law school and she read the letter to me but asked me last week how the wait for law school is going? Really, that's how out of touch she was with me recently.
Financial Infidelity - this is the big one. In the last month she separated, I have found tons of weird purchases, huge expenditures, eating out expensively for lunch, unknown credit cards, unknown purchases on accounts online, etc. 
My attorney had me change the locks last week and she text me at 4 am this morning to confront me on why a locksmith charge was on our bank account. I told her to back off and only talk to me through attorneys and I have nothing to say to her. She kept pestering me through text and I finally warned her again to stop and she made some comment wah wah, "it's my house too" well she left and never came back. In that time she has gone, she has spent about $2200 on crap (eating out high, hair done, nails, shampoo sister's carpet, etc.) I've probably spent $400 toward myself. Today, she went to a goodwill in a town 1.5 hours away and spent $210.28 and then spent about $50 on eating out for all day's meals. I feel she has lost her mind, cheated, and is trying to make me mad. IDk just sharing an update and any advicem thanks! Thanks 👍


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If you are separated surely you need to separate your bank accounts into hers and yours?


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## teutonic_metal (12 mo ago)

I tried that. My bank wouldn't let me make a new account without a court order. I could go to another bank and open an account but I don't want to do that. Let's say she spends $210 like today on dumb stuff (clothes, antiques, etc.). Well I am going to my bank to withdraw cash ($100) and put it in a safe. If we hit zero it's her fault because she spent the money whereas I saved it. I want it to come out in mediation that she has a spending problem and I shouldn't be left on the hook for her numerous accounts and credit cards I just found out about.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Who cares about "types of infidelity" infidelity is infidelity, and that's all it should matter. I for one wouldn't give two red cents as to what type of infidelity my partner committed, she would be out of my life immediately. 

Those that have not self respect, dignity, self worth; those are are insecure and weak are the ones That are kept wondering about what type of infidelity she did, and, if it should be a deal breaker.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Chances are you will never have the full story, and there isn't much sense trying to get it when heading towards divorce. You just have to accept that she's kinda a ****ty person and she did some ****ty things, and now she wants out. 

You do really need to talk to your lawyer about the finances though. She needs to stop racking up more debt and you need to separate your finances. That's more important than spying on her. You realize that she will see the cash withdrawals, right? She will most likely start pestering you what those were for, and could very well retaliate and withdraw everything or as much as the bank will allow. Even if you don't want a divorce, and you would prefer mediation if it gets to that point, you need to be smart and protect yourself.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

What was your attorney's justification for changing the locks on a house that, prior agreement notwithstanding, she partially owns as well?


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

You are dealing with a special kind of stupid.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The only proof you need is for yourself. Her actions tell you enough. 
Under the circumstances you best bet is no contact. It sounds like you are trying. You need to learn to ignore. Unless it’s D related just delete.
Nothing says you have to respond or answer her calls, etc.
Get out as fast as possible. You aren’t losing a thing.


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

Ditto the advice on getting your attorney to get your finances situated.

IIRC, in my state, you are both responsible for any debt racked up, even if you're separated.

Sever that responsibility STAT!


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## teutonic_metal (12 mo ago)

It's not illegal to change the locks as I own as well as she does. It may seem petty but my lawyer told me to do it. She could come back and change them herself though. My attorney said she left which she did and took a bunch of stuff and no intentions to come back. She has "come by" 2 or 3 times and one one occasion took some cooking items with her sister here. I told her I didn't want other people in the home without me present. She also took our family marriage sign down and put it up. Also, she had told me prior of ending the marriage, she had thoughts of taking her medications and killing herself, "screwing" another guy, or hoping I would die. So I kind of take those as threats. Door locks changed for now.

Thanks for the advice everyone. I come from a background drilled in my head that if you're divorced, you stay divorced unless the other spouse committed adultery or is deceased. That is why I was talking about types of infidelity. I am not weak just a mess but trying to pull through. I want this D to be over with even though I don't want it. I want to move on with my life and get my law degree and be happy with someone else if that is possible or be by myself in service to others if so be it. I think I deserve that. She is the one I have unconvered tons of stuff and lied, broken vows, and wanted divorce. 

She is telling people I did domestic violence, can't trust me, controlled her, etc. My lawyer has threaten her lawyer we will sue her if she interferes with my current job or future law school if she does something to harm them in reputation. I have found journals, old text, an email, etc. where she admits pushing me, screaming at me in front of our kid and apologizing, I am a perfect man for her and my son, telling her parents to quit trying to convince her she is in domestic violence and break up our marriage (they were interrogating our son about therapy, hospitalization, etc.).


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

You better get in front of those domestic abuse allegations. Clearing your name with the in-laws and close family friends should be a priority. Expose her affair and name the guy so that she can’t later try to bring him around and act like they met after the break up. 

As for the the finances, you should open an account with a different bank, change your direct deposit to that new account, and remove half the money from that old account and move to your new account. If you have any credit cards, you need to cancel them or ask them to freeze the account.

Now for all future communication, make it all through text or email. No calls. If you talk in person have a VAR to record the interaction. You better take the possibility of her trying to get abuse charges against you very seriously. It is a VERY common tactic used against husbands.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

jsmart said:


> You better get in front of those domestic abuse allegations. Clearing your name with the in-laws and close family friends should be a priority. Expose her affair and name the guy so that she can’t later try to bring him around and act like they met after the break up.
> 
> As for the the finances, *you should open an account with a different bank, change your direct deposit to that new account, and remove half the money from that old account and move to your new account. If you have any credit cards, you need to cancel them or ask them to freeze the account.*
> 
> Now for all future communication,* make it all through text or email. No calls. If you talk in person have a VAR to record the interaction. *You better take the possibility of her trying to get abuse charges against you very seriously. It is a VERY common tactic used against husbands.


This is such a good post, I'm quoting it! QFT!!


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## teutonic_metal (12 mo ago)

jsmart said:


> You better get in front of those domestic abuse allegations. Clearing your name with the in-laws and close family friends should be a priority. Expose her affair and name the guy so that she can’t later try to bring him around and act like they met after the break up.
> 
> As for the the finances, you should open an account with a different bank, change your direct deposit to that new account, and remove half the money from that old account and move to your new account. If you have any credit cards, you need to cancel them or ask them to freeze the account.
> 
> Now for all future communication, make it all through text or email. No calls. If you talk in person have a VAR to record the interaction. You better take the possibility of her trying to get abuse charges against you very seriously.  It is a VERY common tactic used against husbands.


I understand your comment. I don't care trying to clear my name with her family. They have always tried to break us up and I'm sure that's where she has been getting her advice now. Her mother is very religious and has said I am a devil worshipper, controller, abusing our son, etc. Honestly, they all fight like cats and dogs and then are one big happy family again, the Manson family. It may sound like I am jealous, not telling "her" side but it's true. I don't want this but will be better off in the future.
I have several friends that are slightly monitoring her FB (I quit a long time ago). She changed her name back to maiden name and the paperwork was just filed. People are looking mainly if she libel/slander me. Again, I have plenty of evidence in her own writing saying I don't abuse her and I am a great husband. I'm not worried about it.

I just want to move on with my life and I feel I have a right to be happy with someone else if that comes down the road. She is the one that lied, took out all kinds of secret financial accounts, some evidence she physically and emotionally cheating, broke vows and wants divorce.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

In addition to setting up your own bank accounts, go no-contact with her and her family. Stop spying on her. Who cares what she is doing or saying on facebook.


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## teutonic_metal (12 mo ago)

thunderchad said:


> In addition to setting up your own bank accounts, go no-contact with her and her family. Stop spying on her. Who cares what she is doing or saying on facebook.


👍True it is technically spying. It's a mess and I am slowly getting better than I was a month ago when this happened. Trust me. I have lost 23 pounds (couldn't eat). However, I have restarted gym and last 8 days (gym 6 days) I have walked about 15 miles on the treadmill. I will reintroduce weights soon. Law school, meeting new people, happiness, etc. A good friend of mine has told me, you have to take care of yourself and love yourself. This will emit positivity around me and attract friends and possible romance. If I sit around, wondering, fighting, caring what she has done, it will create negativity and repel people from me and ultimately destroy me.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

teutonic_metal said:


> 👍True it is technically spying. It's a mess and I am slowly getting better than I was a month ago when this happened. Trust me. I have lost 23 pounds (couldn't eat). However, I have restarted gym and last 8 days (gym 6 days) I have walked about 15 miles on the treadmill. I will reintroduce weights soon. Law school, meeting new people, happiness, etc. A good friend of mine has told me, you have to take care of yourself and love yourself. This will emit positivity around me and attract friends and possible romance. If I sit around, wondering, fighting, caring what she has done, it will create negativity and repel people from me and ultimately destroy me.


That's the ticket to ride. Just continue this path. Eventually you'll find yourself in the face of indifference, and indifference is the stage where you want to be.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Sounds like you’re doing a lot of the right things. Keep moving forward with living an awesome life. Working out and getting good grades in prep for the bar exam. Do not let her derail your goals. Living your best life possible will give you satisfaction, shows your son how a man faces adversity, and the little icing on the cake is your stbx and in-laws can see they were wrong about you.


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

teutonic_metal said:


> *"Types" of indefinitely*


Please tell me that I'm not the only one, who read that as "indefinitely" and not as "infidelity"?


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## teutonic_metal (12 mo ago)

Asterix said:


> Please tell me that I'm not the only one, who read that as "indefinitely" and not as "infidelity"?


Ha! Sorry


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

teutonic_metal said:


> Ha! Sorry


No worries. The concerns and issues that you've brought up are very valid and I'm really sorry that you are forced to deal with all that.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

teutonic_metal said:


> I tried that. My bank wouldn't let me make a new account without a court order. I could go to another bank and open an account but I don't want to do that. Let's say she spends $210 like today on dumb stuff (clothes, antiques, etc.). Well I am going to my bank to withdraw cash ($100) and put it in a safe. If we hit zero it's her fault because she spent the money whereas I saved it. I want it to come out in mediation that she has a spending problem and I shouldn't be left on the hook for her numerous accounts and credit cards I just found out about.


Better take out more!

Hang in there.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Dont tell her to stop texting. Let her continue showing her rear with nonsense text messages. Hopefully she will send you crazy and angry voice-mail messages as well. Just stay calm and neutral. 

The communications establish behavior patterns.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

My cousin just divorced his wife for her spending habits, etc. He said he would never be able to retire if married to her. Straw that broke the camel's back. He found a credit card in his name, that she took out without his knowledge, that had $25k debt on it. He bought out her house share and out of her cut the CC bill was paid off and he cut up the card/closed the account.


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> My cousin just divorced his wife for her spending habits, etc. He said he would never be able to retire if married to her. Straw that broke the camel's back. He found a credit card in his name, that she took out without his knowledge, that had $25k debt on it. He bought out her house share and out of her cut the CC bill was paid off and he cut up the card/closed the account.


I'm assuming that your cousin is in the US as well. If that's the case, please ask him to freeze his credit with the three credit reporting agencies. She probably still has his information including his SSN. She can very well open another card under his name. That'd be fraud, but we I don't know if she's above all that. It's better to be safe.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

teutonic_metal said:


> It's not illegal to change the locks as I own as well as she does. It may seem petty but my lawyer told me to do it. She could come back and change them herself though. My attorney said she left which she did and took a bunch of stuff and no intentions to come back. She has "come by" 2 or 3 times and one one occasion took some cooking items with her sister here. I told her I didn't want other people in the home without me present. She also took our family marriage sign down and put it up. Also, she had told me prior of ending the marriage, she had thoughts of taking her medications and killing herself, "screwing" another guy, or hoping I would die. So I kind of take those as threats. Door locks changed for now.
> 
> Thanks for the advice everyone. I come from a background drilled in my head that if you're divorced, you stay divorced unless the other spouse committed adultery or is deceased. That is why I was talking about types of infidelity. I am not weak just a mess but trying to pull through. I want this D to be over with even though I don't want it. I want to move on with my life and get my law degree and be happy with someone else if that is possible or be by myself in service to others if so be it. I think I deserve that. She is the one I have unconvered tons of stuff and lied, broken vows, and wanted divorce.
> 
> She is telling people I did domestic violence, can't trust me, controlled her, etc. My lawyer has threaten her lawyer we will sue her if she interferes with my current job or future law school if she does something to harm them in reputation. I have found journals, old text, an email, etc. where she admits pushing me, screaming at me in front of our kid and apologizing, I am a perfect man for her and my son, telling her parents to quit trying to convince her she is in domestic violence and break up our marriage (they were interrogating our son about therapy, hospitalization, etc.).


Since you locked her out of her own house it shouldn't be any mystery to you why she spending a bunch of money at Goodwill trying to get cheap necessities she needs to get by because she can't get to her own!


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## teutonic_metal (12 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Since you locked her out of her own house it shouldn't be any mystery to you why she spending a bunch of money at Goodwill trying to get cheap necessities she needs to get by because she can't get to her own!


I don't think you know what you're talking about. Maybe you would sing a different tone when someone just cold clocks you and leaves for several days not knowing where they went. Then tells you they want a divorce, then says they will do counseling, then is drawing up divorce papers while in counseling. All the while claiming I am comitting DV while she has locked me out of joint email accounts, phone account, taken out hidden credit cards, etc. She brought her family on my property that didn't want me on their property while I wasn't here. My attorney told me to do this and your entitled to your opinion but your opinion is stupid. She blew through tons of our money on eating out expensive, getting her hair down, nails done, etc during all this. If she was so desperate for clothes why did she blow money on crap like that? I'm tired of all these stories are women are the victim crap. I am a victim in all this crap too and I have found some emails that were strange looking answering questions on likes, dislikes, hobbies, etc. That were stored in draft. So again, you don't know what you're talking about.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Since she's the one kicked out of the house she has no other choice but to go spend money getting what she needs to set up a new household. Some of this could have been avoided if you'd let her get what she needs out of the house like some pots and pans and that sort of thing because I'm sure that's what she's getting at Goodwill.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Since you locked her out of her own house it shouldn't be any mystery to you _*why she spending a bunch of money at Goodwill *t_rying to get cheap necessities she needs to get by because she can't get to her own!


Thank you for walking in someone's else's shoes.

Yes, you personally find ladies shoes more comfortable and fitting.

As, is normal and fitting for another weary, and wary (of men) lady.

Angry people see only the bad in peoples actions.


_Lilith-_


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

SunCMars said:


> Thank you for walking in someone's else's shoes.
> 
> Yes, you personally find ladies shoes more comfortable and fitting.
> 
> ...


Forgive me for having common sense.

Do you even know what Goodwill is?
It's a charitable organization where people donate goods and then they are resold cheap for people who don't have much money. That's where she spent the bulk of her money. Instead she could have gone and bought a new mattress and new appliances at Best Buy and spent 20 times more. He's sitting around stewing about her spending money at a place for homeless people when she's entitled to half of what's in their house but he didn't let her take it before he changed the locks. If he's afraid of her because of domestic violence he still doesn't have to be there when she comes.

She spent money eating out. Being locked out of the house where else is she supposed to eat?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

teutonic_metal said:


> I tried that. My bank wouldn't let me make a new account without a court order. I could go to another bank and open an account but I don't want to do that. Let's say she spends $210 like today on dumb stuff (clothes, antiques, etc.). Well I am going to my bank to withdraw cash ($100) and put it in a safe. If we hit zero it's her fault because she spent the money whereas I saved it. I want it to come out in mediation that she has a spending problem and I shouldn't be left on the hook for her numerous accounts and credit cards I just found out about.


Get your OWN account, and start putting all of YOUR money there instead of the joint account.
Also, if you are officially separated, my understanding is that ALL of the debts and things that SHE spends on out of your joint assets is on HER and will be accounted for when you divorce her -- talk with your lawyer and make sure of that. Start documenting all of that.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Since she's the one kicked out of the house she has no other choice but to go spend money getting what she needs to set up a new household. Some of this could have been avoided if you'd let her get what she needs out of the house like some pots and pans and that sort of thing because I'm sure that's what she's getting at Goodwill.


In all fairness, and fairness in reporting...

Before she found herself homeless and without a pot to piss in, she blew through a bunch of money.
We assume that OP is not exaggerating.

One can forgive the latter spending but (maybe not all) the prior spending.

Ladies need to look their best, so her nail and hair expenditures should not be frowned upon.

Buying unneeded and expensive clothes and matching paraphernalia, and expensive dinners is another matter.
She did that prior to being locked out of the house.

Desperate is, as desperate does.
She does sound broken.

Having two eyes, and my lady eye in the back of my head, I see both sides.

From the initial post(s) from our OP, I tend to believe she brought this on herself.

She is coming apart at the seams.
She is a cheater.
Her family is toxic.




_Lilith-_


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## teutonic_metal (12 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Forgive me for having common sense.
> 
> Do you even know what Goodwill is?
> It's a charitable organization where people donate goods and then they are resold cheap for people who don't have much money. That's where she spent the bulk of her money. Instead she could have gone and bought a new mattress and new appliances at Best Buy and spent 20 times more. He's sitting around stewing about her spending money at a place for homeless people when she's entitled to half of what's in their house but he didn't let her take it before he changed the locks. If he's afraid of her because of domestic violence he still doesn't have to be there when she comes.
> ...


We all know what Goodwill is and now you know that is where she spent the bulk of her money? I've already typed the garbage she has wasted her money on and I am not going to go any further doing that. I didn't say I was afraid of DV from her I said she had been making up DV allegations against me. This thread was supposed to be about me uncovering secrets I never knew about including secret credit cards, purchases in the past on credit card that we both agreed upon not to use because it was getting high, locking me out of phone account and joint email account, etc. I'm not going waste anymore time on you.


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## teutonic_metal (12 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> In all fairness, and fairness in reporting...
> 
> Before she found herself homeless and without a pot to piss in, she blew through a bunch of money.
> We assume that OP is not exaggerating.
> ...


She did all that nail, hair, stuff after she left. She had control over all the bills because I trusted her. She managed the money because I trusted her. Now that she left, I am having to have an attorney use discovery to produce user name and passwords for accounts that are in my name and bills. She took out secret credit cards for accounts I never knew existed and locked me out if the phone account so I can't see who she has called/texted, why she went $120 over data, etc. Trust me, she is fine she is living with family and she has been buying them groceries, cleaning their carpets, pet medications for them, etc. None of what she has spent since leaving a month ago has benefited me but my money is still being used. That is not fair. She has only curtailed her spending because I have withdrawn a bit of money and spent a bit of our money to pay down our credit card. All of this my attorney has said to do. 
I'm not saying it's all wrong in her end. It's a two way street. I am just so tired of being told I did this, that, etc. and she won't take responsibility for anything.
Thank you for you insight and balanced perspective.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Ah, she is at home with her familiars.
Back at her FOO hawk nest.

A comfortable place, in plain sight.
She has hands all about her, all supporting.

From this vantage point she can freely fly, branch to branch, from tryst to tryst.

...........................................................................................................



> @teutonic_metal, _I feel she may have cheated on me... mentioned a police officer flirting with her and asking her to marry him, some old family friend hitting her up for dates, ordered body spray and see through heart panties to our house (moved out 20 days ago)_


Those heart-shaped panties will become well seen, well appreciated, and well....... used.

Her choice, her tort made as a still married woman.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The plot thickens, the stew in the pot, already steaming.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Drama clings to unhappiness, as does infidelity to treachery.

An unhappy mind cannot, but help, destroy itself, further.
Bad thoughts, they roll down hill, and grow dire, by the hour.

Such sad minds set fire to all who have become that enemy.



_The Typist-_ from his notes.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

teutonic_metal said:


> She did all that nail, hair, stuff after she left. She had control over all the bills because I trusted her. She managed the money because I trusted her. Now that she left, I am having to have an attorney use discovery to produce user name and passwords for accounts that are in my name and bills. She took out secret credit cards for accounts I never knew existed and locked me out if the phone account so I can't see who she has called/texted, why she went $120 over data, etc. Trust me, she is fine she is living with family and she has been buying them groceries, cleaning their carpets, pet medications for them, etc. None of what she has spent since leaving a month ago has benefited me but my money is still being used. That is not fair. She has only curtailed her spending because I have withdrawn a bit of money and spent a bit of our money to pay down our credit card. All of this my attorney has said to do.
> I'm not saying it's all wrong in her end. It's a two way street. I am just so tired of being told I did this, that, etc. and she won't take responsibility for anything.
> Thank you for you insight and balanced perspective.


withdraw 1/2 of the money from your accounts -- and put it in an account that is ONLY yours. Then STOP adding money to that account. You shouldn't be paying for her anymore -- she's fired you from that job.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Asterix said:


> I'm assuming that your cousin is in the US as well. If that's the case, please ask him to freeze his credit with the three credit reporting agencies. She probably still has his information including his SSN. She can very well open another card under his name. That'd be fraud, but we I don't know if she's above all that. It's better to be safe.


This is what I was going to say. It's important that you lock down your credit immediately. To do this, you inform all three credit reporting agencies to post a notice that you will not allow opening any accounts. You can look this up on Google on how to do it.
You said you don't want to go to a new bank, but if your current bank won't allow you to have a separate account, you need to find a new bank. This should be done immediately.
Regarding her journals, I recommend that you remove them from your property to a safe place. Do you have anyone that would keep them safe for you? If not, perhaps you could rent a storage locker.



DownByTheRiver said:


> Since she's the one kicked out of the house she has no other choice but to go spend money getting what she needs to set up a new household. Some of this could have been avoided if you'd let her get what she needs out of the house like some pots and pans and that sort of thing because I'm sure that's what she's getting at Goodwill.


She left. She has threatened him in various ways. Where did you get the idea that he kicked her out? That didn't happen. He changed the locks on the advice of his attorney, because she is posing a danger to his well-being.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I don’t recommend having a separate account for you at the same bank you have a joint account with her. My then-husband and his then-gf opened a new account at the same bank where we had our joint account, while our divorce was pending, and the bank somehow merged our information and the joint account, which I was still using, ended up with charges that should have been on his separate account. And the merged information was reported to the credit bureau so I had his gf and her stuff showing up on my credit report. It was a big mess — all because he didn’t want to go to a different bank. If I had it to do over I would have opened my own separate account at a different bank before I ever filed for divorce. Live and learn.


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