# Is he on the fence?



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Maybe some of you can help with an opinion or so!

Details: Married to my H.S. sweetheart for 24 years. No substance abuse, adultery, or any other type of abuse. We have (2) kids-the youngest 14. We have been close with little arguments, over the years, regarding finances, parenting etc. It seems that we have always worked as a team. I was a stay at home mom for 14 years. During that time I have also earned my degree and now working on a career. Neither one of us has suffered from jealousy or being too dependent upon each other. In other words, we give each other space to do things. Sounds great huh?

Problems: About 1 year ago, I suffered from depression for several years. I reevaluated my life, lost weight, searched for a reason, but was generally unhappy. My husband tried to make it better. He is always a happy person, for 99% of his life (at least it appeared that way). I questioned, during my depression time, "how can you be so happy...we have nothing in common, you'd be better off without me, etc." I questioned his emotions as being superficial....I have never seen him cry and he's never been extremely angry with me. 

Present: Last Spring, our son, got into trouble with the law. It was very stressful. The Fall... the stock market crashed and my husband is in finance. Around that time, he pulled away from me and became angry and stressed, of course. I had never seen him this way and questioned him. Months later, he mentioned how he was no longer attracted to me, no longer "in love" with me but loved me. I am his best friend. I suggested counseling. He couldn't communicate with me, in fact, I've come to realize that he sucks at communication (hmmm). He is currently in individual counseling. 
In Jan. we began couples counseling. It came out in Feb. that he wants a divorce but doesn't know how or when??? He felt he tried to make the marriage work. I feel that he never told me he was unhappy and needed change. However, I was so emmeshed in my depression, I couldn't see things clearly. I still want to try. Our focus, in our couples sesssins NOW is focus on the divorce how it's going to be for kids, finances, living situations etc.
We still are doing everything we always have with kids, family, sleeping arrangements. However, there is a disconnect. I decided in Jan. to live my life as a happy person...the depression has lifted. Would he rather stay with a happy wife or depressed one...I ask? All sex since Oct. has been initiated by me, but there is still a disconnect there as well. I've told him that I would still like to have sex since we are married, etc. This morning he's initiated sex, with some talk about wanting sex but still being divorced later. 

Question: Do you think I am fooling myself...overanalyzing the marriage, looking for positive signs? Or, is he just guilt ridden, doesn't know how to leave, or looking for the right time?

Should I leave things for awhile, being as happy as I can? He's not making a move, divorce wise. However, I feel like I am limbo. Sometimes, I get so angry that I feel like initiating the seperation!
Maybe, then he will want to work on the marriage or it will scare him over the fence and we will be done.


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## mommydrgnfly (Apr 29, 2009)

k.. not writting a response yet because i have got an exam to do right now.. i will read this whole thing and give you my advice/opinion.. k? Just letting u know I am thinking bout ya and I will be here for ya


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## mommydrgnfly (Apr 29, 2009)

oh crap.. i just read your post.. eek.. thats a tough one.. if counceling is not helping all that much I would say it is time to call it quits.. if you two sit around distant from each other and miserable it is time.. you don't want to continue miserable and if it is not fixable you miswell just let it go.. hmm you would think if he has not done anything to get a divorce going he is still in limbo himself.. a part of him wants to stay.. but than again maybe he is just alittle scared.. idk sweety.. tell him you feel it is time you file for divorce and see what his reaction is.. if his reaction is i don't care than obviously it is time.. I am so sorry to hear all this ..sometimes financial situations (especially for men) will stress them out beyond belief and they get mixed emotions.. but wow! Keep me posted.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I can certainly relate to your post. My estranged husband and I went through that very "stage". Please don't take this the wrong way, but I'm just going to come out and ask. Is he seeing someone else? When my husband was acting that way towards me, it was later revealed that he was seeing other women.

As long as you are still living together, doing things together, and talking, there is probably hope for your marriage surviving. Once you move into separate houses, that hope dwindles. I really think your situation could benefit from you and your husband reading "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Right now neither of you are feeling love towards each other.

Good luck!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Thanks for the replies! 

MommyD: I did call it quits (this week) on the couples counseling. My individual counselor called it my "emotional abuse." Being that I don't want a divorce, he says he does, but is doing nothing but talking about it. No date, no changes. You are right on. I have thought about the divorce and almost mentioned to him about me leaving in a few months. I am at the point where I want to take action and not be the "sitting duck."

827Aug: Also a good call and one that I have asked him. He says "no." In fact all of his time is accountable and nothing schedule wise has changed. He is even kind of cuddly in bed, when we are sleeping? What the heck? I even asked him if he were gay....why not? I really don't have any suspicious vibes regarding his straying. Sooooo, in the meantime.

I have an important exam coming up on Friday. Hopefully, I can pass! Then, I will probably bring up the divorce after that....I dont' want to fan the flames but I don't want to be in limbo for a year. 

Thanks to ALL>>>


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