# "Sounds like you need to start with someone new..."



## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

My W pulled this after I expressed needing her more the other day. Next morning she then said "ah ha!" for putting Axe deodorant on before going to the Gym. She was half-hardheartedly joking, but still.

Does the MAP carry its own set of risks if you have a bullheaded wife? Me thinks so. WTF? She better not try something stupid.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Chumpless said:


> My W pulled this after I expressed needing her more the other day. Next morning she then said "ah ha!" for putting Axe deodorant on before going to the Gym. She was half-hardheartedly joking, but still.
> 
> Does the MAP carry its own set of risks if you have a bullheaded wife? Me thinks so. WTF? She better not try something stupid.


Are you saying she said you need to start with someone new?

She said "ah ha!" when you put on Axe?

What risks are you concerned about. Sorry I am totally not following you.

Does she still have that toxic BFF? Do they hang out? You have ruled out her having an interest in other men?


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## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

Yes, that's what she said after I said I felt like she was dissing me

Yes, she joked about me trying to smell nice before going to the gym...I didn't join to hook up, I'm trying to get buff.

A "risk" is an excuse for her to stray, but I'd be prepared for that and not an immediate concern that she would...ya ya ya. All in all, we're in pretty good shape.

Yes, she still keeps in touch with that friend, but they don't hang out that often.It's only been about the conversations between the two that eggs me on occasion. "Wow, I think I'm in love again"..."Really? Wow!"..."You go girl!!!!"...."So how did your weekend go with xxxxx"..."Is he still smitten for you?"..."Yeah, I'm having so much fun".

Not too concerned about her friend so much anymore. It's better for now. My W doesn't seem to be as curious about her friends drama the past few weeks.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Chumpless said:


> *My W pulled this after I expressed needing her more the other day.* Next morning she then said "ah ha!" for putting Axe deodorant on before going to the Gym. She was half-hardheartedly joking, but still.
> 
> Does the MAP carry its own set of risks if you have a bullheaded wife? Me thinks so. WTF? She better not try something stupid.


Surely the MAP is a lot about making yourself less needy? If it is, you’re certainly not doing the MAP! In fact you are doing the opposite.



Your wife’s statement was a shet test, something designed to wound you and cause you emotional pain.


You need to find out why she has the need to hurt you, put healthy boundaries around yourself to protect yourself from her aggression and to find better ways of handling her shet tests.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Chumpless said:


> My W pulled this after I expressed needing her more the other day. Next morning she then said "ah ha!" for putting Axe deodorant on before going to the Gym. She was half-hardheartedly joking, but still.
> 
> Does the MAP carry its own set of risks if you have a bullheaded wife? Me thinks so. WTF? She better not try something stupid.



_"Sounds like you need to start with someone new..."_

By making that statement your wife clearly demonstrated to you that she doesn’t have any empathy or compassion for you and the situation you are in.

That makes her in this situation somewhat “inhuman”. In that she doesn’t even have the “normal” feelings of empathy and compassion for another human who is somewhat in distress.

But she’s not a normal human being, not just another person on the street, she is your wife and “should” be moved emotionally by your distress.

Your wife is in some ways the “enemy of your marriage” (as is her friend). In that while you are working to improve your marriage she is working against you to destroy it.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Can we clear some things up?

It sounds like you are concerned that if YOU don't play this right, SHE will cheat ... am I understanding that correctly?


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## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

That's correct Deejo. Her emotional distance has taken a toll on my trust for her.


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## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

AFEH said:


> Your wife’s statement was a shet test, something designed to wound you and cause you emotional pain.
> 
> 
> You need to find out why she has the need to hurt you, put healthy boundaries around yourself to protect yourself from her aggression and to find better ways of handling her shet tests.


I think she's trying to test my "faithfulness" since I've opened my eyes to the MAP. She's fishing for something from me.

How do you handle this shet test? I flat out told her it pissed me off what she said.


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## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

AFEH said:


> *My W pulled this after I expressed needing her more the other day....*
> ...
> Surely the MAP is a lot about making yourself less needy?


Let me rephrase:
She came home from work and I wanted to make out. She pulled away after a few seconds because this kids were in the kitchen at the time. Instead of leaving it be, I tried to pull her back in. She says it's because the kids were around...I only half agree.

We had our talk in the morning and that was pretty much the first thing she said [in subject line].

I want more affection from her, she's doesn't see the problem and implies you won't get anymore from me than what I've been giving.

Not trying to be needy, and definitely not being whiny. Just want some real and legit affection....every day. And I don't want to feel like pulling teeth to get it.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

So this is the woman who dresses frumpy but when she goes out she dresses up smoking hot?

Has she found that new job as yet?


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## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> So this is the woman who dresses frumpy but when she goes out she dresses up smoking hot?
> 
> Has she found that new job as yet?


Yes, and yes.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Sorry if this is a stupid question: What is MAP?


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## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

Waking up to life said:


> Sorry if this is a stupid question: What is MAP?


"Male Action Plan".
Be all you can be. For yourself. As a consequence, your relationships will improve too.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Chumpless said:


> "Male Action Plan".
> Be all you can be. For yourself. As a consequence, your relationships will improve too.


Ok, is there a FAP then?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Chumpless said:


> I think she's trying to test my "faithfulness" since I've opened my eyes to the MAP. She's fishing for something from me.
> 
> How do you handle this shet test? I flat out told her it pissed me off what she said.


When you respond to your wife’s shet tests “emotionally” you are responding with your “ego consciousness”. In essence you have let your ego get hijacked by negative emotions (sadness, frustration, fear, anger etc.) and so you respond in an emotional (childish/non Manly) way. This is exceedingly unattractive to the Woman inside your wife.


What you need to do is to let your negative emotions “trigger” your higher level consciousness. This is known as your “observer consciousness”. Learn about this *higher level of being” by reading Awareness: The Perils and Opportunities of Reality: Anthony De Mello, J. Francis Stroud: 9780385249379: Amazon.com: Books. 


So you need a new boundary that says something like “I will not let my wife’s shet tests trigger my emotions such that they hijack me. Instead I will switch from my ego consciousness into my observer consciousness”. To learn about creating and establishing healthy boundaries read Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men: Wayne M. Levine: 9780979054402: Amazon.com: Books.


You will see what I mean by observer consciousness when you read Awareness. When you Observe you are like a third person in the room watching what’s going on. The truly amazing thing is that because your are no longer responding to your wife, because she can no longer “trigger” you, HER behaviour changes. So changes take place even though you do nothing, all you do is observe. In essence, you stop playing her “crazy” game. You are no longer a pawn, a puppet in her game.


Because you are no longer hijacked by your negative emotions triggered by your wife’s shet tests, you can now think of more appropriate responses. If indeed you do want to respond. A seriously good response to a shet test is humour, to get her to laugh and to trigger the Woman inside of her. When you can do that you really do have it cracked.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Chumpless said:


> I think she's trying to test my "faithfulness" since I've opened my eyes to the MAP. She's fishing for something from me.
> 
> How do you handle this shet test? *I flat out told her it pissed me off what she said.*


Women learn from the age of about 4 or 5 how to get under a man's skin. It's very deliberate. "Under the skin" means getting past your "skin" boundaries and into your heart and soul where you are most vulnerable. That's why it hurts. It's the pain that triggers your negative emotions like sadness, frustration, fear, anger etc.


Your wife KNOWS FOR A FACT that she pissed you off. That's why she did it!

And you responded like the typical man and told her she pissed you off. And there you stand telling her she pissed you off and she stands thinking you are truly dumb because she already knows that!


Think on your personal boundaries as your skin. Your personal boundaries are wrapped all the way around you, preventing your wife getting past with her abusive behaviour and into your heart and soul. Your boundaries let your wife's love in while at the same time keep her antagonising, shet testing behaviour out.


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

AFEH said:


> Surely the MAP is a lot about making yourself less needy? If it is, you’re certainly not doing the MAP! In fact you are doing the opposite.


I just wonder if any of this is getting through?

Chumpless has a history of creating threads and completely failing to see the big picture or understand the fundamental concepts in MMSL.

I have said before that MMSL is not the right solution for most people. It should be part of progression, but not the first nor the only self help that needs to be done.

There is a lot of groundwork that needs to be laid before a person can handle the tasks required of MMSL. Levine, Glover, Deida, those are who you should be reading, at which point Kay simply becomes a few action plans that already fit in with your world view.


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

AFEH said:


> Women learn from the age of about 4 or 5 how to get under a man's skin. .


I'm glad you posted that. My daughter is almost 6 and sometimes I can't stand being in the same room as her.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

I don't get why it pissed you off. It sounds like the MAP is working perfectly.

She is seeing you taking ownership of your situation and it's making her uncomfortable.

Her comment was a reflection of that discomfort.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

Also how does "expressing that you need her more" and trying to coerce her into making out fit into the MAP?


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Chumpless said:


> Does the MAP carry its own set of risks if you have a bullheaded wife?


Yes, the author states something along the lines of the MAP not working if you have a flawed W. In my case, running the MAP has somewhat helped, but it also uppped my W's anxiety/depression.

On your W's comment, I heard stuff like that more than once. If you act butt hurt and/or get pizzy...you just failed her shyte test. I killed off those comments with c*cky humor - "You're probably right. I'll get right on it." Smile, STFU and walk off.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Chumpless said:


> My W pulled this after I expressed needing her more the other day. Next morning she then said "ah ha!" for putting Axe deodorant on before going to the Gym. She was half-hardheartedly joking, but still.
> 
> Does the MAP carry its own set of risks if you have a bullheaded wife? Me thinks so. WTF? She better not try something stupid.


She's trying to establish boundaries with you. She's testing. The boundaries of how much crap she can give, and how little affection she has to put out.

Next time she says something like that, try "Yep, you could be right, if you don't get your crap together pretty quick" along with a smile, a wink, turn around and walk out. Leave her wondering just how serious you are AND let her know her little dig didn't affect you.

Her comment about the Axe was likely for a couple different reasons....one, to belittle you, and two, because she's feeling a little nervous about you making changes. Expect more of this the more you put your transformation into effect. The more you transform, the more she'll try. Up to the point she sees it isn't working. Then, if she wants you, she'll stop this nonsense for fear it will keep pushing you out the door.

It is really best, despite what you're feeling inside, to project an air of indifference to such things, or remove yourself from her presense. Don't just act like she's not getting under your skin...don't LET HER get under your skin or "push your buttons". 

Control over your own emotions is a kill shot to a chit test. And there's the added benefit that things never get out of control...at least on your end.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

thunderstruck said:


> Yes, the author states something along the lines of the MAP not working if you have a flawed W. In my case, running the MAP has somewhat helped, but it also uppped my W's anxiety/depression.
> 
> On your W's comment, I heard stuff like that more than once. If you act butt hurt and/or get pizzy...you just failed her shyte test. I killed off those comments with c*cky humor - "You're probably right. I'll get right on it." Smile, STFU and walk off.


Haha, if the program doesn't work your wife is flawed. 

He doesn't talk enough about beta. If upping the alpha is causing anxiety and depression in your wife, you also need more beta. Do more stuff to show her you love her and care about her, in addition to everything else.


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