# "The Grass is Greener" or realistic feelings?



## jaspergretsch (Jul 17, 2010)

I'm not sure how to put this so bear with me  

My wife and I have been married for 5 years and together for 7. Currently we are going to counseling and are considering separation and divorce. The reason being is that in the last few years I have increasingly found myself unhappy in our marriage and having thoughts of being with other people. Not having an affair or anything like that, but just feelings that I somehow wasn't feeling complete in our relationship and wasn't sure why. All I knew was that I felt as if I wasn't with the right person in my life. 

In the last few months these feelings have increased exponentially and up until then I never discussed them with my wife. I just brushed them off as "Everyone has fantasies of what it would be like if they were with someone different...it's normal". But they've gotten so strong that finally I had to admit them to her. It was a shock, but she felt though that while she didn't share my exact feelings, she wasn't happy in our marriage either. For most of our relationship we've struggled with personality conflicts. I'm more of an extroverted outgoing person, and my wife is my reserved and quiet and that has bothered me the most. I've felt like I could never really be myself and had to more reserved with my wife than with other people. My humor, my creative side and my determined spirit has always been something that I've felt wasn't really appreciated by her, though she has always said she wasn't bothered by it.

The biggest feeling this causes is that of there being no real soulful connection or bond between us and this is where she does agree with me to a point. We have things that we can enjoy and share with each other but when it comes to us truly being ourselves, I especially struggle with feeling like I can do that. 

I guess my question is, through talking with family and friends, and with a counselor that I've personally been seeing, I keep getting told that the grass always looks greener, which makes me wonder if how I feel about yearning for a bond and an understanding in my partner that I don't feel from my wife is something unobtainable and if I need to just find the good in our relationship and try and find happiness within that. Most have told me that this is what I need to do. However I struggle with while I agree to a point, feeling more strongly that the heart knows what it wants, and if I'm not truly happy, I will know. 

So what does everyone think? I don't know how clearly I've described my situation and how we both feel but where is the line between just needing a different perspective on your relationship with your partner and truly needing someone more compatible in your life?


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## jaspergretsch (Jul 17, 2010)

Thanks Hunt. 

I know she loves me very much, and I do trust her. We both have also been able to find the good in each other that we felt we were missing and rekindle that flame. The problem is it never lasts long before I start feeling the desire for change again and we both start feeling like we're just going through the motions and not meeting each others needs. 

We're tired of the roller coaster...*I'M* tired of the feelings that I feel like I can't control, and I feel like it goes beyond just wanting that new relationship spark. It is an intense feeling of a lack of understanding and connection for each other. To the point where I feel most happy when I'm with my friends, not with her, and even she has admitted to me of feeling happier when we're not together. UNLESS it's one of those times when we seem to rekindle the spark just long enough before it goes out again.


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## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

Agree with Hunt Brown. 

The grass always looks greener (even real grass lol) on the other side but once you get there you see the yellow patches. I always say that if the grass isn't green on your side it's because you failed to take care of it. Never compare. Deal with your problems and if it's not possible to fix it, end it and _then_ start checking out the neighbor's grass because it's almost never how it seems.


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## PeasNCarrots (Apr 5, 2010)

I have to agree with HUNT on this..... ever hear of that "Seven year itch"? It seems like the 2 of you have pretty open communicstion, have the 2 of you actually sat down and discussed what WOULD make you feel happier and more connected? It could be such simple things that are keeping you feeling disconnected and be sooooo easy to fix! You cant figure out what is making you unhappy until you figure out just what it is that WILL make you happy.


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## Zulu (Apr 16, 2010)

You should read the book the 5 love languages, both of you are out of the "in love" stage and now are not communicating your love to each other. Don't leave, you are much to short a time married to be having those issues. You are still communicating, so why not learn to communicate in a way that you both understand each other. Spend the $10 on the book, will be the best money you have ever spent in your life.

Seems you both may still want it to work out... wish I could say the same.


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