# question



## used2be (May 1, 2012)

for the past 2 days now my wife has told me that we would have sex, note we have no kids, but she always finds a excuse later not to, like yesterday she told me when she got back from her parents we would have sex since she blew me off the day before so she leaves and has been gone for about 3 hrs when she text me and says she will be home soon but she never came home i finally went to bed. Why would she promis something and ignore it later, do other wives do this, i feel like an idiot since after i got the text i kept looking out the window waiting for her to get home and this went on for hours, we have talked about her doing this to me and its like she dont care how can i make her feel the way i do about this
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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Sex isn't a priority for her.

She teases, and probably sincerely so, because in theory having sex with you would be nice and she knows you would really appreciate it.

Then when it comes time to deliver on the promise, the reality of sex sets in... and frankly in her mind all those other things she uses as an excuse are higher priority to her.

So she blows you off. Most likely she loves you very much, but she doesn't really care about sex... she's doing it with you more or less to throw you a bone.

If you are Christian or don't mind a book written by a Christian, a book I'm working through now that helps with matters like these is:

Amazon.com: Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage (9782913356559): Kevin Leman: Books

Other books to consider (that are on my personal list to read next and have come highly recommended to me) are:

Amazon.com: His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage (9780800719388): Willard F. Jr. Harley: Books

In this book they have an idea called "love busters" which is exactly what your wife is doing to you. Take a look at the section on that here:

A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

She doesn't want to have sex but knows you want it so she promises she will. But the desire to NOT have sex overrides when the time comes. Now your challenge is to figure out why. Without more details it's difficult to give advice. Was she always like this or is this new behavior? How long have you been married and how old is she? What is your marriage like outside of the bedroom? What do you think she would say if she were the one posting? Things like this are relevant.

You can't fix a problem you don't understand.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

This is what you should tell her.
Dear, I want a divorce.

Note, you need to play chicken with her on this. If you don't threaten divorce now, you will eventually have kids, become miserable, and see no way out. By setting the tone that sex is absolutely required early in your marriage, you are doing your future self a real favor.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

And do NOT have kids until this is resolved. You will regret it. The sex normally drops even more after kids for women like this.


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## happymrs (May 1, 2012)

I have to ask the question of how good is it for her? Is it something she looks forward to? 

I ask this because for years sex was just and act, just something I did for my husband because, frankly, I didn't get much out of it. 

A couple of years ago my husband and I began changing things up a bit. We read some books and experimented. Alot! Now I look forward to it as much as he does. 

I second the recommendation of the book Sheet Music-we read through it as a couple. 

Another book that my husband read was She Comes First. This really changed things for us as there was so much he realized he didn't know, learned it and applied it. 

Both books also opened up communication between us to share what we each wanted from the other so that there was no guessing. What we liked, what we didn't, what we'ed like to try. This made the biggest difference.

So it may not be so much that she doesn't want to or is purposefully backing out, is that it may not be a priority for her.

Perhaps you can make it so that she wants to make it a priority.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Hicks said:


> This is what you should tell her.
> Dear, I want a divorce.
> 
> Note, you need to play chicken with her on this. If you don't threaten divorce now, you will eventually have kids, become miserable, and see no way out. By setting the tone that sex is absolutely required early in your marriage, you are doing your future self a real favor.


I hear what you are saying, but it's a bit early to pull the divorce card in this case. It doesn't appear they've even really communicated or found a way to connect on this issue. Nor have they been to therapy or worked through any books on the topic.

I think the divorce card comes a bit after all that. Played too early it can just cause harm to the marriage with little gain.

That's just my $0.02 though, I could very well be wrong.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I agree the word divorce should not be said until you have tried everything else FIRST. I threw that word out a few too many times and it caused more harm than I realized. It's a serious word and one that should not be said unless your at the call your attorney stage (I wasn't - I was just threatening). I regret saying it now.


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## used2be (May 1, 2012)

a lil history, we been married 9 yrs she never really opened up about sex till about a year ago and things got wild in the bedroom for about 6 months, but then came the problem where i was doing things for her that she liked(oral and hours of foreplay) and she wasn't doing the things i liked( oral and foreplay) so it became a one-sided thing. At one point i just stoped giving her oral (proabaly about 3 months ago) in hopes she would get the hint but now she just gives me empty promises. Outside of the bedroom we are inseperable its kinda a joke when people want her to come over the there house they ask if she can pry herself away from me for a lil bit. We never argue unless its about sex and her standing me up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

Mavash..sorry to hi-jack here- but I sent you a PM, thanks!
...carry on
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Used,

You are not alone!

Can't tell you how many times I was told that I was in for some great sex and yet it never happened

This will not get better with time! As others have said, do not have kids until this is resolved! I'm over the barrel after 26 years and 3 kids! I am you're "AFTER" picture (as in this is what I looked BEFORE  and this is what I look like after


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

I know this card gets thrown out way too often on here anytime this situation arises, but here goes.

Affair

Sex was so-so for 8 or so years. Then it gets wild for awhile?

Gone to parents house. Texts that she'll be home soon after 3 hours but never comes home. As in not at all that night? She regularly stay the night at her parents? If not, red flag.


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## Jester (May 7, 2012)

Middle of Everything said:


> I know this card gets thrown out way too often on here anytime this situation arises, but here goes.
> 
> Affair
> 
> ...


This is exactly what I was thinking. Doesn't anyone else think its strange she texted him saying she'll be back later but eventually never shows up home? Depending on where she was this could be a huge red flag. Although maybe I'm just over-thinking the whole thing, not trying to make you super paranoid or anything. M
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

Ah! This old chestnut......the 'I was going to make love to you last night, but when I came to bed you were already asleep...'...

Thats because 'you' went to bed at say 11pm, she said she'd be there in a minute then actually comes to bed at 3am. Of course you will be asleep! 

She always 'makes the effort' at times when she KNOWS you are unable.....just the way she gives you a hug and tells you she feels horny as you are about to get in a taxi to go to the airport on a business trip....because she KNOWS you can't take her up on her offer.

So when you moan that she isn't interested in sex she will throw all these things back at you to prove that she is...and its YOU who isn't.

Women aren't stupid!


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## User83947639 (May 9, 2012)

@used2be

Well she obviously can still get you harder than chinese arithmetic with a few words so that's a good thing. No need to obsess about timing. Why not just enjoy the feeling. If her words lit up your brain and gave you a massive boner that won't go away and she apparently doesn't want to do anything about it then why not play it cool. Just snuggle up to her and go do sleep as normal, believe me if you aren't all whiny and needy she'll want to do something about that gun in your pocket. 

And if she doesn't then apologise to her first but tell her that she got you horny and as you don't want to disturb her you'll need to do something about it or you won't be able to sleep and do it right there in bed. That will definitely work.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

karma*girl said:


> Mavash..sorry to hi-jack here- but I sent you a PM, thanks!
> ...carry on
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Didn't get it. Don't forget to put a period at the end of Mavash.

long story.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

used2be said:


> in hopes she would get the hint but now she just gives me empty promises.


Hints NEVER work.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Hints NEVER work.


You need to be both loving and blunt with her. You need to hear her side of the story, without all that you won't move forward.


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## User83947639 (May 9, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Hints NEVER work.


Don't misunderstand. It's not a 'hint'. If it were then I would be suggesting a disingenuous course of action, which I would not do.

Maybe not at first because for many people it takes a long time to get to this stage but if you are able to do this then the point is twofold, 1. you are not putting it upon her to alleviate your immediate 'stress' and 2. you are brave enough to not sneak off into the shower which will only reinforce any notions she may have. 

Now it's likely that this is not something you'd be brave enough to do and indeed may be met with some anger, which would at least be helpful in the immediate circumstances by getting rid of your needing to spend some time with yourself because nothing is less horny than anger. However you need to go past this obstacle if you expect to progress.

Not many men are prepared to do this. I understand the reasons why, I'm a guy, I know, what it's like but I can also assure you that there is a little known surprise that awaits the brave. 

People think guys are visually inclined and it's true they are, but if a woman spies a, how shall I put it on a forum where I don't yet know how blunt I can be, well you know... if she spies that and it's at what I may call no. 11 then you will find that women are also visually stimulated.

And if nothing happens then that's also a good outcome. Let me ask you this, are you brave enough to take care of yourself in front of her.

You see couples must be comfortable masturbating in front of each other, indeed liking to do that, in order to get the full benefits of marriage, which is a relationship that continually grows till death do you part.


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