# To move or not to move, that is the question...



## sadsoul101 (Oct 18, 2011)

To move or not to move, that is the question...:scratchhead: to clarify, by "move" I mean not just move out, that of course will happen during the separation, but I am thinking of moving to a new city or state.

Very brief situation summary:

My husband(we do not have children) of 3 yrs(together 9 yrs) announced he wants divorce & has filled out the paperwork. He is very certain of this and has already hired a mediator to review the paperwork.

We have no history of drug abuse, infidelity or any kind of abuse. Our issues are related to: my underemployment/unstable work history, my shyness in making new friends,my lack of ambition to pursue further schooling(have bachelor's, want a master's but fear won't be accepted due to low GPA) my ADHD, his perfectionism, our parent/child dynamic, his temper(he gets angry easily), my "unwillingness to compromise" our final straw is when he asked if his friends(a couple) could move in for a few months... I said no b/c we had martial stress & other reasons, he saw this as my unwillingness to want to see him happy.

I live in a small town, nearby a small city, without a lot of work opportunities. I don't have any family in the area to seek solace during this very difficult time in my life. I am considering moving to a new city or state.

I have 2 part-time jobs(about 10 hours per week each) that I enjoy, but have only been with the 1 that more relates to the career I want since April and am concerned if I move my resume will look like ****.

I like the area where I live, but feel really alone going through separation/divorce process by myself...

How many of you moved to a new city or state after a divorce? Were you worried about how it may look on your resume?

Did it help to give you a "fresh start", or add more stress?


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

Do you have kids together? If so, I would say no to the move. Kids need both parents in their lives. If not, go for it.


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

Well, if there are kids involved, it makes it harder to move to another state and I'd say NOT a good idea. The experts say a big move in the first year is not a good idea, but I think it depends. A move to a nearby city with kids is ok, I think. At least I hope so, because I've done it.  So far, I'm glad I did. I left a dead-end town to move to the city. It added more stress, but gave me a fresh start. 

There are so many more opportunities in a bigger place, and if you don't have a support system (I don't, either), then I think it's easier to find one in a city. So I'd say, go for it. There are always jobs of some kind, and yes, your resume will not look great, but really I'd worry more about your sanity and well-being and less about the resume, to be honest. But I wouldn't move without having a job lined up. That's what I did, got the job first, then made the move. It is stressful, but for me it has helped give me some direction and the gumption to move forward.


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

No children involved... she's already said that. 

I'd say move. Get out of your comfort zone. Become independent from him. That will make you so much more attractive - to yourself and to others.

Best advice I can give is to look for areas that have openings in the field you want, apply for jobs - if you get one, move. You have the luxury to be picky about places you want to move as well. So check out the cities/towns - visit, look at potential living spaces, spend a weekend there. Make sure it feels right before you make any decisions.


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

Reading your story looks like you are the flip side of my marital situation. My wife is a lot like you, but "solved" her problems through another man. I'll give you the advice I would give her, and again it might not be exactly the same so please forgive any variance or assumption on my part. I would like to compliment you, my wife hasn't been able to say how she is to anyone other than me. It takes a lot of courage to get online and put the truth out there, that is the first step to real healing.

"Move, don't let yourself be ruled by fear or self-doubt. Take ownership of your life and the things you want."

If you want to go back to school, find one in your field and move to the city it is in. Look for internships in that area and connections through the university and go for it.

You have a short term marriage and likely will keep what you both brought. Don't let yourself be bullied into signing something your uncomfortable with. Take time to look over everything and make a decision you can live with. 

In your writing it appears that you may have some co-dependence. I would recommend reading the book "Boundaries". It has a Christian slant, but is very good at defining what we need to do to be complete people. I advise this because from what I've seen, co-dependent people tend to find another co-dependent partner. Take some time and be alone. Learn yourself and who you are. Try to find some support groups for divorce, socialize with people from work, or friends from your new school!

I wish you all the best in your new journey.

Also be prepared that if you do something like this he might change his mind. It is up to you on how you respond to that.

GearHead


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