# My girlfriend's baby talks come back to haunt me



## asylumspadez

My girlfriend is obsessed with having children, More specificly - Having my children. I have known her for 7 years and have been dating her for 2 (our 2 year anniversary is 5 weeks away). I love her and care about her a lot (and vise versa) but recently she has been driving me crazy with this baby talk.

It all started when her best friend got pregnant almost a year ago. She was heavily involved through out her bf's pregnancy (I was as well, Her bf is like a sister to me) and eventually became godmother to her bf's baby girl (I was choosen as godfather). Since then she gone overdrive into this baby craze. Always telling me how she cant wait to have my children, what she will name them, so on so forth.

About two weeks ago I got sick of hearing it all and laid down some cold hard truth on her: We are a young couple (both of us are 23) who have only been dating for 2 years. We are too immature to have children right now, Let alone think about having them. Wait a few years (2-3) and then I will be more open about the idea but until then we gotta bury this thing for the time being.

What a huge mistake that was. She broke down crying (I immediately starting saying I was sorry and tried to calm her down) but to my suprise she wasnt crying about the rant. She is pregnant (3 months, 2 and a half when this arguement happend) and I pretty much told her (through my rant) that I didnt want children at this point in my life. She took some clothes and left, She has been at her bf's house for the past 2 weeks.

To be honest, I dont know what I will do. Thankfully, I have been saving money since I started working at 13 (my father's idea) and I have a rather large sum saved up (a little over 20,000 at this point). I plan on using all of that for the baby (god I hope she isnt having twins). I havent spoken to her much but we are talking (thats a start). I have been reading baby books, looking for supplies, looking for a new apartment (I currently live in a one bedroom, I am looking for a nice two bedroom that will be perfect for the baby), and dealing with a ton of other things on top of this. I have talked to her today and we will meet up and talk tomorrow about things, I hope this goes good.

I just wanna know if anyone can give me tips on what to expect for the future, Thanks.


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## EleGirl

How long did she know she was pregnant before she told you? Geez, talk about timing being off.

It sounds like you are manning up to the situation. So that’s good. You have to talk to your girlfriend as soon as you can. Right now you have been doing baby stuff on your own and have left her hung out to dry. She needs to know ASAP that you are with her on this. She and the baby are really going to need you.


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## accept

I think you are old enough at 23. Many kids are born to parents of that age and are none the worse for it. Although my own kids were born a lot later, their kids my grandchildren were born at this time. I wouldnt spend too much money when they are so little and dont need much. Very few parents get it 'right' however old they are. Each child is different and needs different handling usually by trial and error. You should make it up to your wife as soon as possible.


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## FirstYearDown

At 23, a person is still finding out who they are. 

People who settle down too young often have terrible midlife issues.

That is why the experts say that the closer you are to 30, the more successful your marriage will be. Of course, couples from days gone by are a special situation because society was so different back then.

I commend you for being a man about the situation. Now you have to work on winning back your girlfriend's trust. 

I wonder if she became pregnant to trap you; happens all the time. Women want to keep men with them, so they secretly stop taking birth control. I have no respect for females that are so devious. Nobody should be forced into parenthood and relationships based on obligation rarely work out.


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## Hicks

If you are not ready for children, then you should not be having unprotected sex.

Now that you have created life, you should marry your child's mom, and take care of your family to the best of your capabilitites.


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## asylumspadez

(I will put up 2 posts today. The first is about the conversation we had today and the second will be replies to you guys/girls)

We talked about a few things today but not much. I told her that I would be there for her and our child. I told her that I did feel immature about having a child but it didnt mean that I did not want to have kids (She thought I didnt want them based on my previous rant). There was other stuff as well but I wont be typing it because it will be featured in my other reply to your posts. She decided to move back in with me and we chated for a little more (about the past two weeks apart). She is sleeping right now but when she gets up we will start looking for a new apartment. So wish me luck.


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## asylumspadez

EleGirl - She knew for about two months before she told me. She said she was afraid of telling me because she didnt know how I would react.

Accept - My mom had kids very early in life (she is in her early 40s now and has 7 children) so she was forced to grow up and missed out on a lot. This effected her later in life because she wanted to go out more and more while my dad didnt. Her new "nightlife" soon resulted in an affair and a divorce from my father, She hasnt been apart of my life since (I was 3 at the time). Thats why I didnt want kids early on in life because I wanted my gf and I to enjoy our lives now and get it out of our system before we had got married or had kids.

First Year Down - Couldnt agree me. I am mature and I am responsible but I am still a young guy, Having children effects your life greatly and I wanted be older (25-27) and married before I had kids. Also I completely agree with your idea of her trapping me (which I will explain when I address another poster).

Angel5112 - Thanks for all the advice, It really helped. I have talked with her about marriage during our chat earlier today. I love her, I really do, but I refuse to have a shotgun wedding. I am sort of forced into parenthood already, No way I am going to be forced into a marriage that I am not prepared for. I told her that she better be prepared for a waiting game because I dont plan on asking her for a few years. As First Year Down said - Its better to be married later on in life because you are far more mature then you are when you are in your early 20s. This is exactly why I am waiting, Neither of us are ready for marriage now.

Hicks - Idk if you had mean to but you came off as an ******* in your post (just saying). We had used condoms all the time but a few months ago (about 5 months ago), My gf decided to switch to birth control so once she started that we decided not to use condoms anymore (we both get checked for STDs all the time though just to be on the safe side). The reason she got pregnant is becuase she wanted to have kids and she stopped taking her BC, It didnt take long for her to get pregnant once it got out of her system. I do plan on sticking around (made that clear in my first post) and I will always be there for her and my child. As I said early in this post, I wont be doing a shotgun wedding, I am waiting a few years before I even think about that. So next time you post, Get the whole story first (ask questions for example) before you go bashing anyone.


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## asylumspadez

I did confront her about this and she got pregnant because she didnt want me to leave her (dont know what gave her that idea). She cried and apologized for tricking me, Begging me not to leave her. My anger towards her melted and I calmed her down by telling her I was going to stay with her no matter what because I love her (which is true).

I also told her that I am going to need a lot of time before I can forgive her. Also I told her that she is gonna have to put a lot of effort into rebuilding the trust we had together. She happily agreed with me and is willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild our relationship.

Im suprised by her actions because she never was insecure, I have known her for years and she never came off as that. She did have a few bad relationships in the past though. Im guessing that she did what she did because she realized how good our relationship was and she wanted to be with me forever, Yet thanks to her way of thinking - She did more harm then good.

She's thinking about getting help in order to get over her insecurity, Which I think is a good thing. Right now we are just taking it a day at a time. Ill post in a week or so and tell yall how things are going.


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## FirstYearDown

Hicks, why on earth do you support shotgun weddings?

Marriages based purely on pregnancy are often unhappy unions.

With all of the BC out there, there is no reason for unplanned pregnancies. I have been sexually active for nearly 12 years and I have never needed an abortion. Pregnancy can be easily prevented and sometimes women are just fibbing when they say they became pregnant inadvertently. 

Asylum, what a horrible thing to have to deal with-a woman who is so sneaky and selfish that she would try to use a baby to keep you with her. Her actions say a lot about how dishonest and codependent she is. 

You can be a decent father without being forced to stay in a relationship with an underhanded liar.


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## anotherguy

asylumspadez said:


> I did confront her about this and she got pregnant because she didnt want me to leave her (dont know what gave her that idea). She cried and apologized for tricking me, Begging me not to leave her. My anger towards her melted and I calmed her down by telling her I was going to stay with her no matter what because I love her (which is true).
> 
> I also told her that I am going to need a lot of time before I can forgive her. Also I told her that she is gonna have to put a lot of effort into rebuilding the trust we had together. She happily agreed with me and is willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild our relationship.
> 
> Im suprised by her actions because she never was insecure, I have known her for years and she never came off as that. She did have a few bad relationships in the past though. Im guessing that she did what she did because she realized how good our relationship was and she wanted to be with me forever, Yet thanks to her way of thinking - She did more harm then good.
> 
> She's thinking about getting help in order to get over her insecurity, Which I think is a good thing. Right now we are just taking it a day at a time. Ill post in a week or so and tell yall how things are going.


eegads.

'thinking about getting help'? really? Why would she, she got everything she wanted. Of _course_ she 'happily agreed' - and you seem perfectly willing to...

_{delete 3 paragraphs}_

oh never mind. 23? Makes me want to weep.

good luck.


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## FirstYearDown

Me too, AnotherGuy. Yet another young man forced into fatherhood too early. 

I knew a very controlling woman who met a man four years her junior. She had an "unplanned" pregnancy and I watched her boss about the poor kid. M had no escape really; the car was in her name and the job M worked at came from her father pulling strings.

So she had another baby to tie him down even more. After nine years and two children ages 5 and 3, the young man finally left to live his own life. M isn't an involved father because he never wanted children so early in life; he was just pushed into it by a woman with her own agenda. 

Worst part is, she never learned her lesson. She had _another _baby for a _different _man, who proposed right after ths third child was born. She finally got what she wanted and all it took was three babies.


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## asylumspadez

Dont really see how she got everything she wanted. Our relationship took a huge blow because of her actions and she knows this. She did want a baby but she also wanted us to have/keep our amazing relationship (her words not mine even though our relationship has been great until this point). I said to her that our relationship has taken a huge blow from her actions and if she ever did anything like this again then it would be over between us. The look on her face was proof enough that my message got across.

I also told her that I dont want another child for 3-6 years and she will start taking BC again when we are ready to become intimate again (after this pregnancy of course) and we will use condoms as well. I would be open to having another child sooner but it all depends on how well things go with this one. And we actually have to discuss this and agree together that its what we want, Not just what she wants.


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## Hicks

FirstYearDown said:


> Hicks, why on earth do you support shotgun weddings?
> 
> Marriages based purely on pregnancy are often unhappy unions.


I believe children have the right to be raised within a marital relationship. Two adults made a decision to have sex. The child made no such decision. For the good of the child, the parents owe this child a marriage, and commitment to doing the heavy lifting required to make it a successful one.

Any man who has sex with a woman should do so understanding that both adults are creating a responsibility to the life they can potentially be creating. Just Sayin.


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## FirstYearDown

Don't you think a child deserves to see a happy marriage?

I have never seen a joyous marriage that was based on a pregnancy. The husband's resentment always showed in his lack of involvement with the kids or apathy for a marriage he never wanted in the first place.

Asylum, if your girlfriend will pull this shxt once, nothing you say can stop her from doing it again. By staying with her after such a huge deception, you are playing with fire. She can always poke holes in condoms or just go off the pill again.


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## anotherguy

Hopefully things will all work out. Being taken into this new phase of life via one of the biggest lies you can possibly inflict on another person is simply inexcusable and shows - deceipt aside - how immature, controlling, selfish, dishonest, irresponsible and unprepared she to be an adult in a giving relationship. Sorry - I dont mean to openly pontificate. Much. Notice I didnt add 'insecure'. Maybe she is, but to me it is more about boundless, undilluted, premeditated, selfishness.

The thing is - responsibility, maturity, selflessness, are some requirements of being a parent. Simply getting pregnant and having a baby is the easy part, believe me. 

The next few years will be very difficult & challenging. They can also be very rewarding. May you have more of the latter and less of the former! Sleepless nights, the feelings of total loss of control over your life that has been supplanted by this new life. You are young and probably not really financially secure yet so you will both need to work I expect - and its not easy working full time and also being a full time parent. Hopefully she wil prove up to the task, because how this came about is the exact _*opposite*_ of what it takes to succeeed. 

Dont despair though - people have babies all the time. 

Very frankly... I would never trust her with BC again. Sorry. Its not the sort of thing where you can simply hope for the best.

Again - I dont mean to use your situation as a soap box for my own outrage.. thats pretty unfair to both of you. I think you can get some very good advice on this board not only about about what to expect with a new baby, but insightful relationship advice... so do come back and report what happens. I expect your head must be absolutely spinning!


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## anotherguy

Hicks said:


> I believe children have the right to be raised within a marital relationship. Two adults made a decision to have sex. The child made no such decision. For the good of the child, the parents owe this child a marriage, and commitment to doing the heavy lifting required to make it a successful one.
> 
> Any man who has sex with a woman should do so understanding that both adults are creating a responsibility to the life they can potentially be creating. Just Sayin.


Yeah, thats all very pithy and sounds philisophically convenient and nice. It takes on a little bit of a different hue when 'the decision' is grounded in lies and deception. That is not a 'marital relationship', that is a farcical caricature of one built on a foundation of sand.

Just sayin.


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## Hicks

I agree that the girl did something very bad.
However, the child is innocent and should not be punished for it.


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## Hicks

Angel5112 said:


> A marriage is only healthy for a family if it is a happy one because then it will teach the child how to have healthy and happy relationships in the future. If it is unhappy, it will teach them the opposite.


Totally agree.
But a healthy marriage is a creation, not an accident.


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## COguy

LOL I failed the test majorly when my wife told me she was pregnant. With both our kids actually. Both times she had a cute way of letting me know and I acted like a jackass both times..... so I feel your pain.

I remember the first time I found out we were pregnant. We were both pretty young, been married 3 years, wanted to wait another few so we could have some fun (visit europe mostly). I thought my life was over!

Well it turned out I was right...life as I knew it was over. But amidst that a new life started and in so many ways it's better than what you can imagine. You're doing the right thing. You're preparing on being the best dad you can be, and you're being responsible about further kids. That is much more important than saying the right thing to your girlfriend but then not doing anything about it.

As for the relationship, do not get married just because of the kid. I know it's hard but you need to step back and decide if you think your GF is someone you WOULD marry even if you didn't have the kid. If the answer is no, don't force yourself into the situation just to fit societies idea of a perfect family. Your kid will be much better off with two parents that love them and both parents are healthy and happy and not fighting each other. Contrast that to a kid who grows up in a hostile house because his parents hate each other.

That being said, know that you are permanently bonded to this girl for the rest of your life, so no matter what you do don't burn any bridges and treat her with love and respect at all times.


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## asylumspadez

As I said before, Just because She is having my child doesnt mean that she will have me too. Our relationship took a huge hit and only she can fix it. Today has been an average day for us really. We looked at apartments in the paper, Talked more about baby stuff. We told our respective families that she was pregnant and they were happy for us.

We havent told our families about our situation because it would only cause bigger and bigger problems. Her parents love me like a son and I know they would be upset with her for what she did. My family would absolutely hate her though (which is reasonable). I have enough problems on my plate right now and there is no way I am going to add more to it.


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## COguy

asylumspadez said:


> As I said before, Just because She is having my child doesnt mean that she will have me too. Our relationship took a huge hit and only she can fix it. Today has been an average day for us really. We looked at apartments in the paper, Talked more about baby stuff. We told our respective families that she was pregnant and they were happy for us.
> 
> We havent told our families about our situation because it would only cause bigger and bigger problems. Her parents love me like a son and I know they would be upset with her for what she did. My family would absolutely hate her though (which is reasonable). I have enough problems on my plate right now and there is no way I am going to add more to it.


Sorry I only skimmed through the replies before I responded and didn't see the part about her taking the BC.

That is jacked up.................

Not even sure what I would say to that, just tread very very carefully. Someone that manipulative could be downright horrible in a marriage. I think you are smart to wait many many years. I would be explicit that if you're having sex and she's on BC and condoms, and another "accident" happens, that it will be the end of the relationship. She could poke holes in your stuff and stop taking the pill to "secure" you.

It would take a lot for me to trust someone like that. That isn't a simple mistake. She made you responsible for another human for the rest of your life without talking to you. And for a horrible reason (fear of loss). She has some serious issues and she needs to go to IC immediately.

From what you type though, you seem to have your head on your shoulders and seem like a solid character. Your actions tell me that you will handle this correctly.


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## norajane

asylumspadez said:


> As I said before, Just because She is having my child doesnt mean that she will have me too. Our relationship took a huge hit and only she can fix it. Today has been an average day for us really. We looked at apartments in the paper, Talked more about baby stuff. We told our respective families that she was pregnant and they were happy for us.


You're taking her back, getting an apartment together, planning your future together. It sure SOUNDS like she has you.

What exactly is she doing to take responsibility for her reprehensible behavior? Fooling you, lying to you, and hiding her pregnancy from you...those are some serious behaviors that you should not take lightly and just hope for the best. Your gf is manipulative, devious, and selfish. Not the best traits for a mother or partner.

And, finally, are you sure this child is yours?


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## norajane

asylumspadez said:


> We havent told our families about our situation because it would only cause bigger and bigger problems. Her parents love me like a son and I know they would be upset with her for what she did. My family would absolutely hate her though (which is reasonable). I have enough problems on my plate right now and there is no way I am going to add more to it.


So you can't even tell your own family what your gf has gotten you both into? Do you have any friends you can talk with?

It seems a shame the only person you can talk with about this is the person who lied and schemed against you.


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## FirstYearDown

norajane said:


> You're taking her back, getting an apartment together, planning your future together. It sure SOUNDS like she has you.
> 
> What exactly is she doing to take responsibility for her reprehensible behavior? Fooling you, lying to you, and hiding her pregnancy from you...those are some serious behaviors that you should not take lightly and just hope for the best. Your gf is manipulative, devious, and selfish. Not the best traits for a mother or partner.
> 
> And, finally, are you sure this child is yours?


:iagree::iagree:


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## asylumspadez

Norajane - Im getting a new apartment because the apartment I have no would in no way be able to handle 2 people plus a baby. My parents are divorced (Dad had full custody and Mom was never around) so I know how much it sucks/hurts when your parents arent always around. I want to give the relationship a chance not only because I love her but because I want my child to have a stable family life.

How can she really take responsibility for what she has done? Its one of things where it happend, You cant take it back. I told her straight up that if she ever did anything similar to this again (or even close to it) then it would be over between us for good. As I said before, She wants me in her life as much as she wants the baby so she knows how serious it is and that I am not going to put up with her **** any more.

I do know the child is mine. She may seem like a ***** because of this but she is a very loyal person and she loves me very much. We both know our facebook and email passwords as well (and similar things of that nature), I know all about her friends and she knows all about mine. We have a good relationship (well besides this of course)

I did talk to 2 very close friends about it and they are angry with her as well but they understand where I am coming from and why I am still with her.


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## asylumspadez

COguy - As I said before, In this situation you cant really come back from it (responsibility wise). It will no doubt take years to rebuild our trust and I make sure to remind her of that every day because this is not something that you can get over that easy.

When we do start becoming intimate after the baby is born, I will not only make sure that she is taking her BC with me in front of her but I will also make sure I buy the fewest condoms in a pack that I can buy and inspect each one to make sure there are no holes in it (Water test them). Also as I said before, I told her that if this ever happend again then we are done, No exceptions. I will make damn sure we actually plan for our next child and not have something like this happen again.

We have only talked a little about her going into IC or even seeing a C together but because we have so much going on right now, We are going to put off talking about it for another week or two. No doubt she (or we) is going into C very soon though, Within the next month or two. I want this situation addressed ASAP.


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## norajane

asylumspadez said:


> Norajane - Im getting a new apartment because the apartment I have no would in no way be able to handle 2 people plus a baby. My parents are divorced (Dad had full custody and Mom was never around) so I know how much it sucks/hurts when your parents arent always around. I want to give the relationship a chance not only because I love her but because I want my child to have a stable family life.


I can understand your desire to give your child a stable family life. However, you cannot have a stable family life when your partner has shown you what she's made of and it's lies and deception. She chose to bring a baby into your life and into this world through outright deception - that is not the sign of a stable person. SHE is not stable, so no matter what you do with your living situation, you will not have a stable family life. Not until SHE becomes stable.



> How can she really take responsibility for what she has done? Its one of things where it happend, You cant take it back. I told her straight up that if she ever did anything similar to this again (or even close to it) then it would be over between us for good. As I said before, She wants me in her life as much as she wants the baby so she knows how serious it is and that I am not going to put up with her **** any more.


Again, the "you better not do it again!" approach is hardly any kind of consequence when she already has what she wants. Both you and the baby.

If I were you, I'd spend time apart from her. Take some time to get away from the situation and to really give some thought to who this woman is and what you really know about her. Don't move in with her so quickly, don't be so open to letting her back into your life so quickly - you need time to process and really think about what she did, how she treated you, and how she's chosen to live her life, what kind of person she has shown you to be.

All you did was beg her to come back and move in with you. You're practically asking her to screw you over some more.


> I do know the child is mine. She may seem like a ***** because of this but she is a very loyal person and she loves me very much. We both know our facebook and email passwords as well (and similar things of that nature), I know all about her friends and she knows all about mine. We have a good relationship (well besides this of course)


That's a very BIG "besides this" you just hand-waved. HUGE. 

Did you ever think she'd be capable of something like this? No? Maybe you don't know her as well as you think you do, not when BIG, HUGE life-changing decisions are being made by her unilaterally behind your back, accompanied by lies.

And her loyalty seems to be only to herself. She certainly didn't give a crap how her decision would affect YOU, nor whether you would even choose to be an active father to the child. All she cared about was what she wanted.

She needs to start seeing a therapist immediately to figure out why she sucks as a person like this. This is a sign of character and integrity and she's a big fail. She needs to WORK on determining why she's so needy as to selfishly create a child for her own desires without any concern for yours. The child will need a stable mother - your gf needs to WORK on herself to become one.


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## asylumspadez

(Ill respond to each of your comments on at a time, Nora)
1 - Yes I know this. She is going to see a therapist, We will possible see one together, in order to work on her/our problems. Her lies and deception is actually pretty new, Really started with the whole baby craze she got into. So its definently a shocker to see her become this person total opposite of what she once was - A very kind, loving, trustworthy woman who I love (and still do) very much. She is a stabl woman but she does need help.

2 - Good idea, I will definently be taking another break between us. We had a 2 week break with very limited contact when I first found out about her pregnancy, It worked out good for me because it allowed me time to get my head straight and think about how I wanted to deal with things. I think when she starts seeing a therapist (a month from now) then I will start another 2 week break.

2.5 - I agree but as I said before, I dont really know how I can punish her for what she did. Its next to impossible to punish someone for something like this. She wants the baby and me (not only as a boyfriend but as a husband as well), I think it hurts her knowing that as of now the later of that is in jeopardy. She knows that I dont trust her and that it will be a long time before I do. She knows that she has problems and she is going to therapy to deal with them. What else can I do besides taking a break that will sort of punish her for what she did?

3 - I have known her for years before we dated and we were (and still are) the best of friends. This whole manipulation is completely new to her character and it suprised me to see her in this way because she never has been this way before. Yes it did make me question if I really knew her or not but now that she is pregnant, Its like she is her old self again so it confuses me even more. She is a loyal person, I know she is. This was the first unloyal thing she has ever done to me in the entire time I knew her and it was a major life changing thing as well. It hurts me to see her change like this and its the reason she is going into therapy. I will just have to wait and see.

I will keep my eye on this thread but dont expect me to reply for a week or two.


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## norajane

> What else can I do besides taking a break that will sort of punish her for what she did?


Taking a break isn't about punishing her. It's about giving you and her time to think about what just happened and why. It's about giving yourselves time to take this seriously and consider in what way you truly want to move forward. It's about not rushing into something when you don't know how you'll feel after you've truly processed this. 

She shouldn't be back to her normal self. Not after what she did, not after dropping that kind of bomb on you. How can she be her old self again? Didn't fooling you into fatherhood make any impression on her? It certainly shook your world up. Yet she's back to her old self so quickly...because you're going along with it. Don't be so quick to do so. Give it more thought.


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## that_girl

I had my daughter at 23. No savings but did just fine. That was 12 years ago and we're doing great.

You won't need all that 20,000 for the kid. Kids really aren't that expensive until they get older. lol. Learn the tricks and where to shop.


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## asylumspadez

Nora - She isnt her normal self (as I explained in a previous post). I guess the way to put it is that she is more timid towards me I guess. She seems afraid that if she says or does something wrong that she will lose me. She knows that I am done tolerating the behavior she has shown recently and that I wont put up with it any more. However despite this, I dont think the realness of the situation has sunk in it. I feel she still sees it as I got my baby and nothing more. Hopefully this will change when she gets further into her pregnancy and realize that its not as great as it seems to be in her fantasy world.

The two weeks we spent apart were the two weeks I did a majority of the thinking and really mapped out what I wanna do. As I said before, I am going to be there for her and my child but the whole relationship rests on how she changes and nothing else. If she continues acting this way then our relationship will last much long. Hopefully IC will help her.

that girl - The savings are a huge help though. Instead of going into our pockets and pretty much going broke, We have all that money to buy all the things we need and then some. FYI (just to avoid confusion) - I make 30 grand a year, My gf makes about 15.


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## FirstYearDown

The three of you can live off of $45,000, depending on where you live. 

That_Girl is the only parent I know who feels that children are not expensive.


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## applelemon

that_girl said:


> I had my daughter at 23. No savings but did just fine. That was 12 years ago and we're doing great.
> 
> You won't need all that 20,000 for the kid. Kids really aren't that expensive until they get older. lol. Learn the tricks and where to shop.


Urm... Inflation 
or perhaps you had help? 
No mother that I know of can survive on 20,000. Sure, it won't be spent all on the child but there are bills, rent (or mortgage), food, health costs, clothes, the list goes on. My friend (husband works as well) makes about 36,000 a year and they were on government assistance since their first child last year.


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## asylumspadez

Its been a few days since my last post so I thought Id give you all a minor update. Things have been average as of late. We talk a lot more at night (not just about the baby but numerous things). We have a greatly increased sex life as well. Our sex life has always been good but in the past few days, We just cant control ourselves. Its like the smallest things set us off and we find ourselves in various places (bathrooms, cars) and we go at it like animals. I dont know why its like this now but I love it lol.

Besides that, We talked a lot more about therapists and she wants to go to one sooner rather than later. We are gonna start looking for one in the next few days so fingers crossed. Ill post something new (besides occassional replys) in the next few days).


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## asylumspadez

Little update for you all:
She started IC yesterday. It went rather well (acording to her) but I am going to wait a few weeks in order to see how effective it really is. She is going to IC 3 days a week for 2 hour sessions. I hope it does her some good because her problems are definently the biggest ones in our relationship.

She said her counselor wants to get me in her sessions (couples counseling sort of thing) so she can talk with me and see how I feel about things and what I think needs to be done in order to fix our relationship (and so on so forth). I plan on going but I want my gf to do solo for a month or so, Mainly because I want the counselor to focus on her more then me.

Besides this, Its been pretty boring. All the random baby stuff going on, Its still a bit crazy around here but we make it work. The sex life is still going on like crazy though and it hasnt let up one bit 

Angel5112:
No one said it would be impossible, Its just very difficult. I am sure you had to sacrifice a lot of things in order to make ends meet, Which is the whole point of this arguement.

My friend's dad raised 4 kids (my friend and his 3 siblings) by himself. He made about 14,000 a year working full time in order to support them. He worked **** job after **** job, At times he even had to work 6 days a week just to make ends meet. He got goverment assitance (food stamps mostly) but most of the time he was on his own. That proves how much of a sacrifice and a struggle it is raising a child on low income.

That isnt my case though. I make a pretty decent income and with the money I have on the side, It makes the situation a lot easier.


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## KirkSpock

EDIT: Whoops,m I didn't realize the last post from OP was over 2 months ago. I didn't mean to respond to a "dead thread". My apologies 
END OF EDIT

Asylum, I don't mean to "kick you when you are down", but I feel there are a few fallacies in your posts that I should point out:

1. This notion that you wont get married because, while she may be having your child, that doesn't mean she will "have you". This is an untrue statement and was untrue the minute she became pregnant. She has you completely, both emotionally (the rest of your life) and financially (at least the next 18 years, probably more). The only thing she doesn't have is you physically....which you just posted has changed as well. I'm not saying this is good, bad, or otherwise....just know that she ALREADY has you in many ways, so don't fool yourself into thinking holding marriage over her head will mean anything to her (at this point). She fooled you good and the minute her deception was successful, she had you, hook line and sinker, regardless of the state contract that binds you in marriage. 

2. You post about using BC AND condoms, and checking the condoms before use as a deterrent against this happening again. I'm not trying to be a smarta$$, but come on now...how realistic is that? You posted just a few posts later how you cant keep away from each other (in the bedroom). Can you honestly say that, especially as time goes on and you become more and more relaxed, that you will check the condom each and every time passion takes over? HIGHLY DOUBTFUL. 

3. Because you gave her a free pass (She violates you, and in return you have to apologize for her violating you, she gets a new apartment, etc.), with the stern "But this better not happen again....OR ELSE" warning, you can rest assured that it wont happen again.....in this manner. Instead of fessing up to getting off the BC, she'll simply lie to you and tell you the condom must have broken, the pill just must not have been effective, the timing was off for her placebo pills....etc. See, when people are let off scot free after doing terrible things to others, they learn two things: 1, that they can do it again with, most likely, the same results (ie: no consequences) and 2. that if they do indeed engage in these actions again, they need to modify it slightly so they aren't caught or, at the very least, aren't held responsible.

With that said, I am completely baffled on what advice to offer as you are truly in one of the worst positions to be in: young, tricked, and trying to make the best out of a horrific violation (and trust me, you were violated). But I think understanding the points I made above may help you make better decisions in the future, if nothing else. 

I can only offer my own perspective and how I might handle something like this. If my significant other lied to my face like that and stole my sperm (think about that for a minute), there could never be any trust ever again. I would feel raped: and from a certain point of view, I think this can indeed be called rape. It's ONE THING if the condom breaks or you fall into the .1% of the effectiveness of the BC: these things do happen and are indeed accidents.....but neither of those situations occurred. You were forcibly tricked, by this woman who "looooooovvveessssss" you, into a life altering experience by her theft of your sperm. Imagine the societal outrage against you, as a man, if you drugged your wife and had sex with her with the intent of impregnating her despite her wishes that she not have children. People would be after your head: you would be labeled scum, rapist, freak, terrible person, etc. I wonder if you can make the correlation between the example just provided and your own situation, and if you realize that the man I just described probably would make a terrible father, let alone a human being.............take from that what you will.


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