# He thinks I'm cheating but I'm not



## musicianamanda (Jan 19, 2016)

This is my first post, so I'm not really sure how all of this works....here goes:

My husband and I have been married for almost 8 years. We got married very young and struggled through most of those years. My husband is a veteran, and then after he got out of the service he went back for his undergraduate degree while I continued to work as a teacher. He lived at his university about 2 hrs away for the last two years of his degree. I found out that he cheated on me with someone while he was living up there. I was devastated, and despite his refusal to go to therapy or actually work on our marriage to make it better, I chose to stay with him and over the next couple of years we rebuilt the trust. 

We then got pregnant, had our beautiful daughter, and we're both back to work. He's a wonderful father, but we still lacked a close connection emotionally. 

This past year, a new teacher was hired in my district. We formed a great working relationship, but one night we took it too far, went out for a drink and ended up kissing. It didn't go any farther than that, and I was mortified with myself for letting it get to that point that evening. We agreed the next day that it was inappropriate and that we enjoy each other's company, but it needs to just be as a working relationship. My husband found out about it and was devastated. We've since sought counseling from our pastor and he has taken great strides in putting an effort into our marriage.

I still work somewhat closely with this other man, and that has been a major issue over the last year. I completely understand where my husband is coming from because I would also have a hard time with him still seeing the woman he slept with. My "relationship" with this other man is truly a working relationship. We talk when it's in regards to our work. 

Yesterday, I set up a meeting with him on our professional development day to talk about a certain group of students we both work with as we needed to collaborate on a plan for them. Our only free time was during lunch so I agreed to do a working lunch with him (I chose not to eat because I'd be going home to have lunch with my husband within the next hour.) My husband feels as though he "found out" that I went to see him over lunch and we're back to square one with regards to trust. He feels as though I pulled the wool over his eyes when I told him I had a meeting.

Nothing is going on with this other man, and yet my husband still does not believe that I am not emotionally involved with him. 

He just left for a work trip, telling me he does not trust my decisions and what I'll be doing while he's away, saying that he doesn't want to do this anymore. 

I don't know what I can say that will make him realize that I'm not cheating on him...

Advice?


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I'm afraid that you are going to have to change jobs or at least arrange never to be in the presence of the other man without a third party present. I can't see any other way that your husband could trust you otherwise.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Start actively looking for a new job. Tell you husband you are looking for a new job. Change jobs.


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## Bremik (Feb 6, 2009)

From my experience if you knew you were going to have this lunch then tell your husband ahead of time. If it was last minute then text or call your husband and tell him.

The trust has been broken now both have to go above and beyond to repair it which in my mind means everything has to be accounted for.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

Kissing another man who is not your husband is cheating (physical, PA) and your emotional connection to your male friend is an emotional (EA) affair.....


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

the problem is that you did cheat, now while i am not sure how much he cheated (husband) and he owns you complete transparency on his part and i suspect he is placing himself in the OM shoes because he has been there, but i think that it would be best for both of you to start fresh else where. as long as you are there he will have anxiety about the OM because he's been there and he is worried about losing you.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

musicianamanda said:


> I found out that he cheated on me with someone while he was living up there. I was devastated, and despite his refusal to go to therapy or actually work on our marriage to make it better, I chose to stay with him and over the next couple of years we rebuilt the trust. Advice?


Musician,
@SadSamIAm and @technovelist gave you the standard advice, but it does seem that your husband has a double standard applying here. What did he do to distance himself from his affair/cheating partner? Was his cheating one night stand or on-going affair?


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## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

If I put myself in your husband's shoes, I would doubt every single interaction of every single day you see or are with this guy...even if you are not doing anything as you say, and it's 100% true, he will still have doubts and live with these doubts every day...and now he will have doubts about any man you interact with, just as you should with any female he interacts with.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

He knows he's capable of cheating, and knows the true extent of his willingness to do so, which he evidently concealed successfully from you as his affair was rug-swept instead of dealt with. So he is ready to believe you are also capable of the worst of what he did. If you were tempted once, you could be tempted again, in his view.

Neither of you trusts the other. It's a terrible dynamic in a marriage, and hopefully this pastor can work to help you improve it.


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

Your relationship with this OM is a recipe for disaster. Been there done that. Thats how it starts. Lots in common , time spent together at work, a kiss, admitting you like each others company but won't cross that line again…. Eventually you will cross that line again because it gets easier each time and the high you get from each others attention is addictive. 

Change jobs. I would suggest a voluntary transfer at the end of the year. Let lour husband know you will do this for him and stay the fVck away from the OM at all costs. No contact is "innocent" anymore no matter how much you try to fool yourself. The consequences are not worth it. Trust me.

As for your H's A….you both need to go to MC and work this though. I am sorry for the pain and mistrust he has caused you. He knows how EASY your friendship with the OM could go up in flames. He's right.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Now that the score is more or less even, you are going to have to ask yourself is the job worth the constant suspicion. What would you expect if the chick he banged work with him. And tell me this, was the opportunity for "working lunch" a little hard to resist and the only option available to achieve the task. Be honest, at least with yourself, milady.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

When you went on the first date with this guy and ending up kissing him, where did you go? Yes it was a "date". Just you and him together, correct? 

How did your husband find out about this? Did you confess to him?

You have both agreed that you enjoy each others company and continue to work together. Despite what you think and claim, you are having an on-going Emotional Affair. You will never connect emotionally with your husband while continuing to work with "the guy".

Now you arranged another "date" (lunch meeting) with the guy and did not tell your husband until after the fact. Am I correct in the assumption that it was just you and him at a restaurant?

What your husband did was despicable and wrong. But what you have done and continue to do is just as damaging to your marriage.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

mccarto said:


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> He cast spells for different purposes


A spell caster:surprise:


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Next time you have to meet with this teacher, don't go to a restaurant. Just talk to him at school and don't tell your husband. He is paranoid because he has cheated on you once that you know of. You kissed a man, I'm assuming he did more than that with the OW. It's interesting that you didn't leave him when he cheated but he is talking about leaving you because you cheated. I would remind him that forgiveness is a two way street. You might have to change jobs to satisfy him but if you really wanted to cheat with him then that wouldn't stop you but it might give your husband more peace of mind.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

What would you want from him if the roles were reversed?

You actually said it. You wouldn't want him to be around her, and I'm assuming that comment means that he is not around his affair partner. 

Why won't you do the same?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MovingFrwrd (Dec 22, 2015)

Sorry you're here.

MC is probably the best option, and I see you're working with the pastor of your church. I would recommend you also see a professional marriage counselor as well. I agree with the posters above who have reasoned that your husband has put himself in the OM's shoes etc. I'm sure he's still got issues to deal with from the first crisis in your marriage, and I've got a feeling you do as well.

Trust in a marriage is taken for granted until it's gone. And when it's gone, I've heard it never fully returns as suspicions, doubt, triggers etc. have a way of getting into your head when you least expect it.

The advice of considering a new position is very good advice, and I encourage you (if you are serious about your marriage) to investigate different jobs. Another responder asked what steps your husband took when he ended his affair - I'm hoping he broke off all contact. I'm hoping he took the necessary steps to avoid his AP, and gave you clear communication as to what his schedule and responsibilities were, and let you know if he ever ran into her etc.

Full transparency from both parties is critical right now. If you know you're going to see the OM, make sure your husband knows well in advance, or give as much time as possible. Let him know as soon as the encounter ends, contact your husband, tell him you love him, and ask if he's ok and if he needs any questions answered. He should be letting you know where he's going and when he expects to be back. There needs to be clear communication right now, and nothing can be hidden. Hiding = expectation of lies and 'more to the story' questions regarding any interactions.

In short - you both need to start guarding your marriage far more closely.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Hey, the biggest problem is the distance that the two of you have grown apart. There is hurting going on already and he thinks you are as capable of cheating as he was. You need to look inside yourself and see if what you're saying is true about how you feel for this other teacher. I know from experience if you allow yourselves to grow apart it is hard it will destroy your feelings for one another. This happened with my wife and I. She thought everything was find while being a stay at home mom. I would try to do date night or weekend get away but she did not want to impose on in laws. In 19 yrs we have had two date nights. Just to put it out there, she has never cheated. But, it hurt like hell when she makes a special effort for the girls she works with now and never does for me. We never spend any time together as a couple. These could be why your h is getting upset, he see you doing things with other people he feels your not spending time with him. Hope this helps some.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

*Next time you have to meet with this teacher, don't go to a restaurant. Just talk to him at school and don't tell your husband. He is paranoid because he has cheated on you once that you know of. You kissed a man, I'm assuming he did more than that with the OW. It's interesting that you didn't leave him when he cheated but he is talking about leaving you because you cheated. I would remind him that forgiveness is a two way street. You might have to change jobs to satisfy him but if you really wanted to cheat with him then that wouldn't stop you but it might give your husband more peace of mind.
*

The above is not correct. Your husband is not talking about leaving you because you kissed this guy. He is talking about your refusal to cut out any contact with this guy. How would you feel if he went to work every day a few feet from the woman he cheated with.

Since you are new to this OP, read some books on infidelity, and the first thing that is normally a requirement for a successful reconciliation is NO CONTACT. You had no business agreeing to any working lunch with this guy, period, end of story.

And how did your husband find out both about the kiss and the lunch. ??? You do not kiss other men and still get to tell your husband YOU decided with the OM that for now you will not take it any further. 

But this has nothing to do with the kiss. He apparently accepted that. What he is not accepting is you continuing to put yourself in this guys company, which you are making excuses to do.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I really think that the two of you need to spend more quality time with each other! Relearning to live and trust together is essential!

Meanwhile, at this time, I really feel that MC is going to be your best possible option in achieving this goal!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

With that the fact that he thinks you are going to cheat on him. That is his problem. I guess the things he did when he cheated keep running through his head and he is projecting it onto you. Keep it professional between you and the guy at work and there will be no problems. If you can not, then figure out why before you cheat. You where hurt years ago are you over it? Do you trust your husband on this trip he is taking? If he thinks you're already cheating with the teacher would he believe that gives him a pass on this trip. Just thinking about what he said when he left on the trip. Your marriage needs to be fixed up. You need to decide if that is what you want. Then act accordingly but do not cheat. Don't sink to his level. Yes, I saw where the two of you kissed. Big deal unlike others you stopped it there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

ABHale said:


> With that the fact that he thinks you are going to cheat on him. That is his problem. I guess the things he did when he cheated keep running through his head and he is projecting it onto you. Keep it professional between you and the guy at work and there will be no problems. If you can not, then figure out why before you cheat. You where hurt years ago are you over it? Do you trust your husband on this trip he is taking? If he thinks you're already cheating with the teacher would he believe that gives him a pass on this trip. Just thinking about what he said when he left on the trip. Your marriage needs to be fixed up. You need to decide if that is what you want. Then act accordingly but do not cheat. Don't sink to his level. Yes, I saw where the two of you kissed. Big deal unlike others you stopped it there.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Kissing another man = cheating. Not sure where you live, but I totally disagree with your whole post, because it starts with a false assumption.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

If the shoe was on the other foot would you be happy and tell your husband go ahead, spend time with her. It was just an innocent kiss...

If you're picking this co-worker over your husband (and he is justified) then you don't value your marriage anymore and have no respect for your husband at all.

BTW, you did cheat and you still are, it's called an EA, emotional affair. Well it went semi physical with the kiss.


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## Popcorn2015 (Sep 10, 2015)

convert said:


> A spell caster:surprise:


You'll get what is coming to you if you mess around with that crap...


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

naiveonedave said:


> Kissing another man = cheating. Not sure where you live, but I totally disagree with your whole post, because it starts with a false assumption.



Kissing is cheating if they are somewhere making out like there is no tomorrow. A kiss and then this is not right is not cheating it is a mistake. That is my view. And yes with what her husband said before he left for the trip. I think he believes she is going to cheat on him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Are you sure your cheating wasn't a revenge affair?

I have been in that situation so I have knowledge of this.

You really cannot continue working with your former lover. (And that's what he is.)

You and your husband both need proper marriage and individual counselling. If your pastor is a fully qualified counsellor, continue to see him. If he isn't, please get a qualified counsellor.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

convert said:


> A spell caster:surprise:


That's what happens when you quote advertising spam.

You are left with a sad little orphan post. 

:rofl:


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Unfortunately the only way to fix this is to start actively looking for another job. Next chance you get you need to sit husband down tell him that you fully sympathise with his concerns and you want to assure him that nothing is going on. Inform him that you have made the decision to look for another job in order to save your marriage.

Regardless of whether you ate lunch or not going to the restuarant with other man would have set me off big time as well.

I acknowledge that he has been unfaithful in the past but you chose to forgive him so dont let the past cloud your judgement here. Has he been transaprant since he strayed the first time?

For this marriage to work you both need to be held to the same standards.


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## Grogmiester (Nov 23, 2015)

Kissing is cheating and as long as you work there it will be a problem. It will linger in his mind everyday.

Why was it so easy to kiss him ? Would you have kissed him if your H hadn't cheated on you. That's a important question but probably not easy to answer.

I don't think all the counseling in the world will help as long as you work with there.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Well you did cheat and you're still working with the idiot you cheated with.

Figure out if you care about your marriage and, if you do, get another job yesterday.

Your pastor is a fool if he hasn't told you this already.

How would you like it if your husband was around his AP everyday?

You really don't get why your marriage is falling apart?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Apparently there is someone on here who thinks another man sticking his tongue in your mouth is not cheating. And I am sure while this was going on his hands were behind his back, right???

And then you go for some alone time with this guy under the guise of work, no less still seeing him every day.

Like someone else just told you, your marriage is going to wind up gone if you don't you do not accept some truly different boundaries, and your husband is being silly not letting this guys wife know what is going on if he has one.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

ABHale said:


> Kissing is cheating if they are somewhere making out like there is no tomorrow. A kiss and then this is not right is not cheating it is a mistake. That is my view. And yes with what her husband said before he left for the trip. I think he believes she is going to cheat on him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You might have a special arrangement with your SO but here on earth, getting close to someone emotionally and kissing them is cheating on your SO.

A crappy choice, not a mistake.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

Her husband has no right to place any demands on her until he's ready to give her full disclosure and true remorse. If you truly want to repair your marriage OP, then it needs to start with his complete honesty about his cheating.
My H still hasn't come clean to me about exactly what he did. I know he's afraid that if he does, then I will leave him. He might be right about that so we are in marital limbo for now. Not a pretty place to be, trust me. 
Start with a long conversation about what it would take for both of you to trust the other. If you give up your job because of your H insecurity without him giving you full disclosure, resentment will eat away at you. I speak from experience.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

*Her husband has no right to place any demands on her until he's ready to give her full disclosure and true remorse. If you truly want to repair your marriage OP, then it needs to start with his complete honesty about his cheating.
My H still hasn't come clean to me about exactly what he did. I know he's afraid that if he does, then I will leave him. He might be right about that so we are in marital limbo for now. Not a pretty place to be, trust me. 
Start with a long conversation about what it would take for both of you to trust the other. If you give up your job because of your H insecurity without him giving you full disclosure, resentment will eat away at you. I speak from experience.*


You are obviously not paying attention here. Her husband accepted the kissing and decided to not only accept it but accept her continuing to work with her OM, which he is NOT doing. he has no contact at all with his AP. She works in the same building with hers.

The issue here is her accepting a lunch date with this guy, not telling him, and then excusing it as "work" . i guess you think its Ok for them to go to "happy hour' alone also.


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## eastsouth2000 (Jul 21, 2015)

Simple way would be "Transparency". And that's for the both of you!

~give access to phone,email and social-media accounts. don't delete messages.

best limit contact & interaction with coworkers at work place.

this works both ways! You & FWH should be transparent.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

I will just add another post to say changing jobs is an absolute requirement to even begin to fix things AND both you and he need to set very clear boundaries.

Zero contact with any exes, his OW, your OM. And make it clear with each other that any contact results in marriage is over.

Opposite sex friendships, texting OSFs, fb messages in private need to all be off the table. 

After you set the baseline, then you can start on fixing the trust. But you guys need to each step up to the plate to show how you plan to safeguard your marriage.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

He cheated, so he knows how easy it is to cross that line. 

You kissed the guy, you can't take that back. You are at high risk of that becoming an EA which could easily become a PA. 

Get into MC. Figure out why each of you cheated. Both of you have an unmet need. Identify it and either decide you can live without or figure out how to fulfill without cheating.

Figure out how to never have contact with OM again. You say it's not easy? Too bad, shouldn't have kissed him. Being "sorry" without taking action to prevent reoccurrence isn't sincere. Make the change necessary to prove your marriage is your priority.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

No reply from the OP after so many good replies. 

Once you have kissed the OM, there is almost no chance of having pure professional relations with him again. Its not impossible in theory, but practically very difficult.

You know that. Your husband knows that. Here, everyone reading your post would probably agree with the fact that working with same man (OP) for almost one year, is not easy. Its surprising how you managed that, even though you had fights over that with H.

I think you are playing with fire. If you REALLY value your marriage, get out of OM's shadows asap. Your husband seems to be very forgiving, but he may have more options than what you think.

*Edit:* After reading your post again, it appears that you both anyways have many trust issues from past. But making/keeping him jealous over someone may not be a good solution. Sorry you are here.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

You must have been giving some serious signals to this co-worker for him to feel he has the green light to make a move on a married woman with a young daughter at home.

You have to keep contact strictly work related until you can change jobs. Continuing this EA under the ruse that you're just friends is lying to yourself. Despite some posters that downplay your kissing another man, it is physical cheating. 

I'm sure your husband thinks it was more than just kissing because it is so common for cheaters to downplay what they've done during an affair. We have tons of threads of betrayed spouses coming on here for questions for dealing with an EA or a just kissing PA, then a little digging and it comes out it was a everything on the menu affair.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> You might have a special arrangement with your SO but here on earth, getting close to someone emotionally and kissing them is cheating on your SO.
> 
> A crappy choice, not a mistake.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No not really, I have never done this to my wife or her me. But I have never seen where one kiss was cheating. But to each there own. I would be pissed as h*** if my wife did but would not say she cheated and file for d.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

ABHale said:


> No not really, I have never done this to my wife or her me. But I have never seen where one kiss was cheating. But to each there own. I would be pissed as h*** if my wife did but would not say she cheated and file for d.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Fair enough. Just different standards than most.

Would you be ok with her still working with the a-hole that kissed her? How about if she was having lunch with him?


I'm not egging you here. Just curious about your own boundaries.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

You were living apart for 2 years and he had an affair while you stayed loyal during this time? You forgave each other and decided to start a family. Now that you're with a young daughter you start your own affair? 

Having been apart during his deployments and then while he's in college has probably contributed to the emotional disconnect you mention feeling. But giving your attention to another man is probably the main cause of it. We're talking classic rewriting of marital history.

If you continue this "non" affair, before you know it, you'll find yourself justifying giving BJs because your husband is abusive evolving to full sex because you never loved him.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> Fair enough. Just different standards than most.
> 
> Would you be ok with her still working with the a-hole that kissed her? How about if she was having lunch with him?
> 
> ...


I don't think he would be working with my wife after that. Would find him away from her work place and beat the pos unconscious. Problem solved. I don't think he would go around her after that. Knocked a guy to the floor at a Walmart for getting in my wife's personal space, like just touching her. The look of horror on her face. Complete stranger, told him to back off he smiled I dropped him. I protect my own.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

ABHale said:


> I don't think he would be working with my wife after that. Would find him away from her work place and beat the pos unconscious. Problem solved. I don't think he would go around her after that. Knocked a guy to the floor at a Walmart for getting in my wife's personal space, like just touching her. The look of horror on her face. Complete stranger, told him to back off he smiled I dropped him. I protect my own.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Should have said he brushed up beside her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

OP seems to have disappeared.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

I do not know if your are still reading,
but did you call the OM's wife and tell her that you kissed her H or SO?

hope you are following the advice of NC for your family.

Good luck in staying away from the creeper teacher.

He has had a taste and will keep having you over for lunch and dinner to get some more.

Sorry for your family. so your writing says H thinks you are cheating and you are not cheating.

I agree with your H on you cheating. Sorry he did the same.


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## musicianamanda (Jan 19, 2016)

thummper said:


> OP seems to have disappeared.


I am still reading 

I appreciate the blunt honesty all of you have offered. I think deep down its exactly why I came into this site: seeking outsiders opinions. You are all right, but I still struggle with the notion of leaving my job. I am an itinerant teacher and my certification is very specific. There are no job openings within a 100 mile radius of our hometown. I am not willing to leave my job, but I am trying to set boundaries with this man. Luckily we are not in the same building, just see each other in passing once a week. I talked with my husband about this and he appreciated the boundaries. Also, the OM is single, so at least there isn't yet another layer of this.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

OM being single, means he has nothing to lose. You on the other hand, have a small child that will do better in an intact family with their real mother & father than be raised by a single mom.

Using just your will power to stay away from POS is a path that leads to a deep PA. It'll be a quick descent. You've already made out with the guy. Next comes the BJ, then full sex. 

You've already given off the scent that you're marriage and family are not that important and that you're willing to play. Don't be fulled by a lull in his pursuit. That's part of the push / pull we men do. You've given him a taste and he'll continue until he gets the whole thing.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

OP,

What the hell does "trying to set boundaries with this man mean?????"""

The boundaries are pretty Damm simple. You do not go on lunch dates, you do not talk to him for any reason other than business , and you have no alone time with him for ANY reason.

Can you explain why that is so hard that you have to TRY to have boundaries. Stop making excuses for the fact that you do not want to have boundaries. You have been having men after you since you grew boobs, and stop playing innocent victim here that just can't escape.

You are emotionally cheating on your husband, and you are using the job as an excuse to keep doing it. You single boyfriend will surely get into your pants if you don't stop the BS and accept what you are doing.

Notice I said NOTHING about quitting your job. All I said was stop lying to yourself, your husband, and everyone reading this.


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