# How would you approach this issue with your spouse?



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

We have credit card debt... various reasons.... medical bills, home repairs, car repairs, some probably unfounded spending too. 

Anyway, "I" didn't create the issue myself, my husband certainly uses the credit card when he wants to-- for his motorcyle accessories (like a new helmet when he had one already). 

Now, from MY perspective, it isn't that big a deal... does it cost us more than things should because of interest? Yep.. it does. But eh, to me, in terms of our net worth and in terms of my salary-- the debt isn't all that big a deal. 

HE on the otherhand, is over the top annoyed by it. He mentions it constantly and repeatedly. For example, our new place needs a washer and dryer... we had a discussion about it... he was adamant that we pay cash for it and asked if we had it. I said we certainly did as I put savings money into our account every paycheck, so yes we can pay cash. 

So last night, we are talking about WHAT type we want, and he brings it up AGAIN.. I already agreed to pay cash for it and said we had it, so him bringing it up AGAIN just sort of annoyed me... he does this ALL the time. 

Anyway, he inherited some money from his mother, he kept saying before once she was on medicaid (which she is now), that he was planning to use a small portion of the money to pay off the credit card debt (we also will be using some of the proceeds from our house after we close tomorrow). Now he seems to be back peddling on that saying it is 'HIS' retirement. 

Honestly, I don't care either way... pay it off or don't, but quit BRINGING it up multiple times and quit *****ing about it all the time. Either do something about it or live with it. 

Incidentally, I have used 'my' money-- some money I have inherited from my parents, to pay household things, buy a family car etc... 

I want him to either feel good about it or stop complaining... how would you broach this subject?


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I know what you mean. My H constantly stresses about money and debt. If he has to pay twenty-five cents in interest you'd think someone just asked for his first born. Paying interest doesn't bother me. It only stressed me out when I wasn't working. But I'm learning to let him feel the way he wants and not internalize his stress. 

I think you have to figure out why him stressing out stresses you out. Trying to change him will never work and it is poor boundaries on your part.


----------



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I don't know why some people are so afraid to bring up issues with their spouse. You know how you broach the subject? Open your mouth and speak!

For example, I had a sexual issue with my husband. I was not fearful of bringing it up; he is my spouse after all.


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

FirstYearDown said:


> I don't know why some people are so afraid to bring up issues with their spouse. You know how you broach the subject? Open your mouth and speak!
> 
> For example, I had a sexual issue with my husband. I was not fearful of bringing it up; he is my spouse after all.


I want it NOT to become an argument or a reason to just blame me for everything... it isn't about not wanting to speak, it is about wanting it to go productively and my spouse isn't very GOOD at not being pissy and defensive about things.


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Blanca said:


> I know what you mean. My H constantly stresses about money and debt. If he has to pay twenty-five cents in interest you'd think someone just asked for his first born. Paying interest doesn't bother me. It only stressed me out when I wasn't working. But I'm learning to let him feel the way he wants and not internalize his stress.
> 
> I think you have to figure out why him stressing out stresses you out. Trying to change him will never work and it is poor boundaries on your part.


It doesn't bother me either... but he huffs and puffs and complains and it makes me want to leave the house anytime a bill comes, or he is paying bills etc. The issue seems to permeate everything we do or don't do.... because of this credit card debt. Anytime we need to buy anything etc, he brings it up... and it is exhausting.


----------



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I see.

How about telling your husband, that you want to be able to have productive discussions without him getting upset? Let him know that it is hard to have a happy marriage, if the communication is not there. Maybe if you told him how much you want to leave when he starts his complaining, it might alert him to the issue.

If I have something difficult to say to my husband, I always let him know how much I love him and I want us to be happy. I tell hubby what I like about him, slip in the criticism and then ask him what he thinks. It works a lot better than the shouting I have learned not to do.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

It's not about money it's about control. My blushing bride who has never held a job literally carries on every hour of every day about money, about other people's money, our money. Her only question to any statement of anything is "What did it cost!!!!!!!"

But if things were actually as dire as she complains, I would have to guess she'd get off her butt and do something about that. Maybe not - maybe she'd happily watch everything crash. But as a Bar admitted, never practicing attorney who speaks three languages there's got to be something out there. I hear bankruptcy law is big now....?

So it's painfully obvious this and most everyone's fights about money aren't about money. They're about fighting to be top dog OVER the money.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

lisa3girls said:


> It Anytime we need to buy anything etc, he brings it up... and it is exhausting.


It is exhausting. I think i've lived with it so long that it's faded into the background. It's like having the hum of the air conditioner on and not noticing how irritating it is until someone turns it off.


----------

