# Why and How?



## christmaslady (Dec 21, 2009)

Why is it so easy (even though it is painful) to hold on to the negative things that hurt you from your partners infidelity? (overshadowing anything good)

and 

How do you stop thinking about it all the time and move on?

I am realizing that not only was I obsessed with it when he was doing it and I had not approached him about it yet, but I was obsessed with it when I did approach him (needed to know every detail-still asking questions and get upset when he does not respond immediately) and I am still obsessed over it--to the point that someone called my phone at 6am from a blocked number this morning and I blamed it on him and told him that "that is what b*[email protected]$es do". I later apologized, but he blew that off (and in my head I somehow determined that was almost an admission of guilt-as if he did know who called me and just sat on the phone).

MAKE IT STOP!!!! I want to be happy and this does not cut it for me.


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

You will only see things as you allow yourself to see them...


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

As hard as it is, trust me I know, YOU have to make the conscious choice and effort to not let the negative thoughts consume you. You have to choose to focus on the positives and moving on/past this. 

Think of it this way, what do you want to "define" you? The A and all the negativity surrounding it? Do you want it to eat away at you and take all your happiness? OR do you want your strength and recovery to define you? Your choice to move past and enjoy your happiness and life. I don't know the whole story but by your post am assuming your H ended the A and you have chosen to work through it and keep your marriage. 

Don't let the A or the OW "win", per se. You are stronger than that. You can push that negativity away and concentrate on your H and your marriage. Don't let the negativity poison the rebuilding of your marriage. He's at fault, he knows that and you know that. But obsessing about it day after day and bringing it up all the time isn't helping either of you. 

Everytime you think of something negative, immediately think of something else. Fill your mind and thoughts with all the good things between you and your H. Then when you're mind goes there, you can switch gears and think about your last date, or romantic evening or how he said something sweet to you, etc. You know what I mean?

That's what's helped me. I find myself going "there" and thinking bad thought very rarely now. I have many more new and good thoughts to think of now!  I am a pretty competitive person, so when I need to I think of it as a game and I have the upper hand and I'm going to win!!


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I agree with mommy2, you can't let the affair person take anymore from you and your marriage.
In my books they aren't worth all the thought we give them.
re train the brain to push the negative out and replace it with a time that brings a smile to your face.....
good luck


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I think it is easier to think of the negative aspects when you have been hurt. That it just is how brains operate. You start looking at all the bad stuff and just get more angry. 
My H and I still are working on reading each others body language. He was in on the computer playing a game most of the night, and when he came to talk to me I was in bed. He thought I was mad about the game, and it was just that I had a really long day and was tired. But instead of starting a fight, he got up this morning and made me breakfast and took my oldest to his bus stop. Then when he got back we talked and I let him know I thought it was great he got a chance to play on his game, and that I wasn't mad just exhausted. I told him I would try to let him know next time I was coming off as mad when I wasn't and explain to him what is really going on with me. But the fact he made me breakfast and made so many changes from his norm was AWESOME. Noticing the little things help me not think of all the bad stuff. 

I think sometimes we put too much emphasis on big grand gestures, when all that really matters are the little things in life. Make a conscious effort to talk to your H about things that you remember that are good. That helps take the focus off the bad.

Being over sensitive is normal, but just try to tone it down, and instead of fighting or making a big deal, calm yourself down and say hey, I having a rough day, I need a hug/kiss/quickie or whatever gets you by!


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## hrtnsoul (Jan 21, 2010)

Being over sensitive is normal, but just try to tone it down, and instead of fighting or making a big deal, calm yourself down and say hey, I having a rough day, I need a hug/kiss/quickie or whatever gets you by![/QUOTE]

I'm not too sure how to copy what someone else replied. But anyway, that is exactly what my husband said to me. Tell me you are having a bad day and thinking things, and I will hug you and make it better. So, thats what I do. Plus now he asks me everyday, if I'm ok.


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## noona (Jan 6, 2010)

christmaslady said:


> I am realizing that not only was I obsessed with it when he was doing it and I had not approached him about it yet, but I was obsessed with it when I did approach him (needed to know every detail-still asking questions and get upset when he does not respond immediately) and I am still obsessed over it--to the point that someone called my phone at 6am from a blocked number this morning and I blamed it on him and told him that "that is what b*[email protected]$es do". I later apologized, but he blew that off (and in my head I somehow determined that was almost an admission of guilt-as if he did know who called me and just sat on the phone).
> 
> MAKE IT STOP!!!! I want to be happy and this does not cut it for me.


I am in the same place. I am obsessed with knowing every detail of what occurred. I tell myself that in order to forgive the act(s), I first need to know what i am forgiving. I can't have a situation where I am still trying to piece things together or still thinking about what was actually discussed during the A. I feel my closure needs to include me be totally clued into what they had done together and even discussed together. 

As I go though this, I'm starting to see how crazy I actually am!


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## christmaslady (Dec 21, 2009)

Thank you everyone for your feedback. Noona, i know how you feel but you can't think of yourself as being crazy. It is truly difficult; and I feel the same way. However, I notice that when I am realizing all the things in our past that he lied about, I bring them up to him and I start everything all over...you can see the frustration in his body language/voice/messages etc. 

I tried to tone it down and I did really well for a while (most of January), but then everything blew up at one time cause it was like even though I did not bring it up, I still needed/wanted to know. So when one little thing didn't feel right one day...I threw everything at him at once. I feel like I am doing all of this as my own vengence, because I do not want to cheat on him and I do want things to work, but I think subconciously, I need him to feel how bad I felt/feel knowing, learning, finding out about these things. I feel he has to feel the pain in order to appreciate it so that he does not do it again. At least that is my psycho rationale. The thing is, I can take myself out of the situation and talk myself through all of it very rationally...but then one moment gets me upset and I stay upset for the full day/weekend etc.

This weekend, I literally woke up everyday (even though he has been sweet as candy and I can tell he is trying and he wants it to work..but because of who he is, things are received differently than intended) thinking that I was done with it all...having to question everything, having been disrespected (almost as if everytime I think about it, I am being disrespected all over again), the lies, deceit etc. and the relationship. Luckily I did not voice that (although I did write it in our journal, which he will read when he gets home...right...about....now). 

I never learned to deal with disappointment or cope with disappointment/anger...I always went to sleep...sleep was/is my coping mechanism...but I am tired of sleeping my life away and I (as an adult) now don't know how to deal with things. or if I should even try. The thing is, I have always been emotionally sensitive..which is what many people actually like about me, because it makes me empathetic to many and understand; but now, it is working against me 360%. I try to replace the negative with the positive, and I let him know the positive thoughts that I am having and how they make me laugh or smile etc. and he gets embarrassed...so I don't bring them up anymore (but at least he knows). I am trying not to let this all define me..cause it does not...but in a way, I have now started defining him...and I don't want to do that either. He needs to be his own man that makes his own decisions for him and I just hope that the decisions he chooses to make from here on out are positive for both of us.

Helpless in love.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What have the two of you done to improve your marriage?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

noona said:


> I am in the same place. I am obsessed with knowing every detail of what occurred. I tell myself that in order to forgive the act(s), I first need to know what i am forgiving. I can't have a situation where I am still trying to piece things together or still thinking about what was actually discussed during the A. I feel my closure needs to include me be totally clued into what they had done together and even discussed together.
> 
> As I go though this, I'm starting to see how crazy I actually am!


Oh I actually know of something practical that may help BOTH of you. And by the way, I'm sort of threadjacking for both you christmaslady, and noona. 

One of the weird issues the loyal spouse faces is that they have some pieces of the puzzle--pieces that have been determined by the disloyal spouse--but they don't have ALL the pieces of the puzzle and thus the loyal spouse tries and tries and tries to see the picture but can't because they don't have all the pieces. The disloyal spouse does have all the pieces but they are trying to put the puzzle away and not look at it anymore so they can move forward. So the loyal spouse asks and asks and asks for pieces, and the disloyal spouse gets sick of looking at a puzzle that is a picture of something they did that they now feel badly about! 

Right? Isn't that exactly what it's like? 

Here's my practical advice. First, see if you can figure out some pieces that are essential to getting the picture (the pieces in the middle) and try to let go of the pieces that might be around the edges. Second, see if you can agree with your disloyal spouse to ask ONE question a day and that they will answer thoroughly and in detail--the one burning question that is driving you nuts that day. This way you gradually get a clearer picture of the puzzle -and- your disloyal spouse knows that it will not be an unending interrogation that is forever held over their head. There will be ONE question, they answer in full, and it will be over. 

Finally, if you can agree to the ONE question a day and they agree to answer thoroughly, when they do answer...make it a safe place to be honest. If they actually tell you the truth and then you flip out,  what will the disloyal spouse learn? Don't do that again! So if they are brave enough to actually be honest, even if it does hurt, just say, "I'm going to think about what you said" and that's it. Okay?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Awesome advice.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

noona said:


> I am in the same place. I am obsessed with knowing every detail of what occurred. I tell myself that in order to forgive the act(s), I first need to know what i am forgiving. I can't have a situation where I am still trying to piece things together or still thinking about what was actually discussed during the A. I feel my closure needs to include me be totally clued into what they had done together and even discussed together.
> 
> As I go though this, I'm starting to see how crazy I actually am!


Then I'm crazy too cause I feel the same way..


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## christmaslady (Dec 21, 2009)

Affaircare, thank you. That makes sense, and I have thought of that as well. I do try to think of the picture and remove the edges, but to me it is still not complete and it only leaves me with more questions. My issue is not only what was done but the lies that went with it...so as I am trying to figure out the puzzle (like the analogy), I realize that the edge piece is actually more important than I thought, cause as you move the puzzle from place to place in time, without the edges the picture is not complete and it will slowly fall apart all over again, cause one day I thought that it wasn't important and/or I wanted something much more than to complete the puzzle.

I do like the One question a day though...and while I am all about finding the truth, I am afraid to agree to something that I can not live up to. I give him a safe place to speak truthfully, but I do have more than one question a day....because I constantly have millions of questions racing through my head that I feel I need to understand in order to make us better in the future...so one question will lead to another (naturally). If I don't ask, I will forget (which will pop up later and/or drive me crazy through the night...and maybe wake him up at 12:01am to ask my next question cause its a new day) or I will let it fester and get me more upset, so now the question the next day is fueled by anger and being upset. Also, asking a question a day, to him is not saying that it will not be unending interrogation, he will see it as approval for it not to be an unending interrogation (cause I can not give him an end date for the questions and he knows there are many).

I don't think anyone is crazy for feeling this way, I think it is natural but the extent to which it consumes a person can be problematic. I think that stems from a lot of different things going on in life and in the relationship specifically. Again, I can think through everything very clearly and even a bit unbiasedly, but I still fall into the same traps. Sometimes I feel that as much as I love him, it will never work because I don't know that I will ever trust him again. I put him on a pedastal and he preferred to be on the floor...I can't go back to being on the floor and I can't be the cause of allowing you to roll on the floor. You are either on the pedastal or you are not with me, because I am a queen in my home and you are to be my king...if you choose to be someones jester, or prince or even someone elses king, that is fine (you need to do that) but I can not watch you roll in the floor. That is not the person I was ever attracted to.

Turnera,
What have I done to improve my relationship? I do hold my tongue a lot more, I stopped going through his e-mails and his phones, I stopped texting him mean messages (so much), I stopped picking so much on things that other people do around him that make me wonder, I compliment the good, I tell him I appreciate the things he does do and how he tries to make things better, I did not change how I treat him (cooking dinner, rubbing his back/feet, hanging out, trying to make time for us, etc.), when he does something out of schedule-I do not question him or blow up his phone/email etc-if I have a concern I make comment when he gets home and when we are alone, I let him know that what has happened is somewhat natural and I understand, but I do not have to like it...and honestly I feel that I go beyond any point that I should when someone has violated my trust in that way. I sometimes feel that because I do these things and try not to speak of his error in judgement as often that it makes it ok for him and I know that it is not...another reason, I feel that at times I will ask the 20 million questions all over, as a reminder that you f'd up and it is not over for me therefore it is not over for you; mentality.

I have invested a lot of me in this relationship in the past 16 years and I feel I am deserving of a lot more than what is being presented...and I know that he is capable of a lot more than what he is presenting...part of the reason I hold on with hope and dreams of a better future...but I am tired, I am tired of having to ask the questions, of not trusting, of always suspecting, of not being able to feel free and complete in a relationship that took so much of me already to cultivate. I am one that felt that relationships are natural even though they take work to maintain; this relationship no longer feels natural to me. It feels as if we are forcing the issues because somewhere along the line someone/something tells us that we are supposed to be/need to be together. However, I continue to try to let him know that just because we have love for each other, does not mean that we need to be in a relationship together...if we stay in a relationship together, in the state that we are in now, not only will it not work, but the end will be more destructive than anything that has happened so far. That is not a threat but because I know us, I know that it will not be a let's walk away and be friends breakup.

I love him, I do...without a doubt (always have, from the day I met him), but sometimes it is just too much...and to me the constant lies and deceit I believe are proving to be too much. I stay and I try, but I often feel defeated and as if I am fighting myself to keep me in this. Why? Why do I have to fight him and fight myself to be "happy"? is that what I am right now? happy? cause I really did not think happiness felt this way and if it does, I need something more!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you done counseling? If you can afford about $200, the person who runs the marriagebuilders.com website does phone counseling - half the time for you and half the time for him - and every single person who has posted about counseling with him just raves and raves and raves because he gives them practical, REAL steps to take to address both people's issues. Everyone says it's the best $200 they ever spent.


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## christmaslady (Dec 21, 2009)

I'm sorry...I realized that what have we done to improve our relationship, my response was one-sided. He has started being more open about who is talking to, comes home when expected and calls if he is going to be late, tried to set up times to have lunch during the week, communicates with me more openly, introduces me to more of his friends, recognizes when I am upset and holds me instead of getting irratated that I am upset (of the bat), he tries to get me out of the house so that I am not just sitting around thinking of reasons to hate him for hurting me. So he is trying.

In regards to counselling. We went once when I first confronted him about the situation, but we walked out not speaking and did not speak of it again until just recently. Come to find out, he felt we were going to counselling cause I had a problem; not because of what actually happened and why and how to stop it and/or deal with it etc. We decided that we do need to go to counselling, however, our insurance are different and finding someone has been difficult/draining (cause we both wanted to do individual counselling as well as couples counselling). Then when we got so drained etc., we made the point that we are going to pay someone to listen to us etc; but none of that means anything if we can't even communicate amongst ourselves. We need to learn to communicate together before we even get anyone else involved to try to help fix us. I think we have determined if we can't do that much, then the problem is way bigger than counselling and counselling would only be a bandaid...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

christmaslady said:


> Then when we got so drained etc., we made the point that we are going to pay someone to listen to us etc; but none of that means anything if we can't even communicate amongst ourselves. We need to learn to communicate together before we even get anyone else involved to try to help fix us. I think we have determined if we can't do that much, then the problem is way bigger than counselling and counselling would only be a bandaid...


You aren't understanding what a counselor can do. Or at least, what Dr Harley can do. He doesn't waste time on stuff like that. He finds out your situation, and then tells YOU what you should be doing to fix it. Best $200 you'll ever spend, IMO.


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