# Husband not interested in sex with me



## Babes (Dec 23, 2009)

I have been with my husband since the age of 15, I am now 38 and he is 40. He is just not interested in sex or me), it is really getting me down and is causing me to feel depressed and angry, he does not believe there is a problem. Yes, my drive is higher than his but is twice a week a lot??? At the moment we are doing is once a month or so. It has got progressively worse over the past few months. I have tried to talk to him but nothing helps and it “sort of” gets better for a while and then goes back to the way things were. It is really knocking my self esteem and I feel so ugly etc. We have two children, once has moved out and the other is still at home (16) so it’s not like we have small children. He does have a demanding job and I suppose is tired, BUT he always has the energy for exercise. I feel like I am too young to be living like this but then again I feel like I would be so selfish to end a marriage because of this. I am so down and I really don’t know where to turn.


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## Nicbrownn80 (Mar 20, 2011)

What did you tell him? Does he know you want more? Talk to him why it is?

I always have a hard time imagining a man not wanting to do it.


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## Babes (Dec 23, 2009)

Star said:


> I totally understand how you are feeling, Your situation is similar to my own.
> 
> It is very difficult to find out the cause but it kind od a process of elimination, I would maybe suggest ruling out anything medical at first, had he had a testosterone test done? and a general screen on his bloods for things like thyroid function ect? If not I would strongly recommend that you both look into that, especially as he is getting to the age were T levels in men naturally start to drop off a little. Once you have done that then you can plan your next course of action depending on the results.


I have asked him to go to the doctor and he refuses to go! To tell you the truth I am getting tired of talking about it, he makes out that I am the one with the problem and I NEED sex to feel loved!


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## Babes (Dec 23, 2009)

Nicbrownn80 said:


> What did you tell him? Does he know you want more? Talk to him why it is?
> 
> I always have a hard time imagining a man not wanting to do it.


I have told him I want to be with him more and when he does not want me it makes me feel like there is something wrong with me, he said that is my own insecurities! Yes, it's is now a vicious circle, I am insecure and hide my body becaudr I think there is something wrong with me because he does not want to have sex with me.


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## Babes (Dec 23, 2009)

Star said:


> It took my H a long time to go for a test, he finally did it when put it out there on the line just how important it was both to me and our marriage, maybe you need to try a similar tactic, perhaps he feels uneasy about having a test done through fear of the results and maybe feeling less of a man if they come back low? This is where you need to really reassure him that whatever the results are you are willing to work it out but at the same time he has to want and be willing to resolve this too as I can assure you, you will not be able to do this by yourself, he need to be on board with it also.


Thanks star, did your H tests show up anything? My H really thinks there is nothing wrong and it is all in my head, that is why I am on here, I want to know if it is all in my head or if there really is a problem. Do you think it could be that he no longer finds me sexually attractive after all these years and only sees me to be like a sister?


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## Babes (Dec 23, 2009)

Star said:


> His test came back as normal but at the low end of the normal scale.
> 
> There could be many different reasons for his drop in drive and desire, that's why it is inportant to eliminate one at a time, I know it's all too easy to start looking at yourself and thinking "it must be because he does not find me attractive anymore", or "It must be me" it's all too easy to fall into that trap but try not to do it, you will literally drive yourself around the bend if you do and it will be the start of a very big downward spiral which will only make the situation worse.
> 
> Have you challenged him as to why he refuses to have a test done?


Thanks again for your kind words and I know what you are saying makes sense, but I feel so down and hurt, I so wish he would ravish me every now and again lol

He does not seem to think there is a problem with him, he thinks there is a problem with me and I need sex to feel loved!!! 

I am so tired of all of this, I love him to bit and he turns me on, but I get nothing!


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## Babes (Dec 23, 2009)

Star said:


> Check out the link I have just sent you, There may or may not be some info or advice in there that might be of help you.


Thank you, I will have a look


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Drop the issue for a month or so and then schedule your husband a physical. At 40 years-old, he should get one at least every 2 years anyway. Don't mention sex. He shouldn't be averse to being screened for heart disease and cancer.

Before the physical, call his doctor and tell him you're concerned about his loss of desire. Ask him to subtly check for possible health reasons for it. He has to draw blood anyway, so it shouldn't add any red flags for your husband. The doctor won't tell you the results, but your husband will learn, apparently against his will, if he has any physical problems.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

A drop off in activity can also be a red flag for an affair. Do a bit of subtle snooping (checking his email & text messages, cell phone records, etc.) to see if there are any other indicators.

A tactic that men use when their wives show little interest is to plant subtle hints at the possibility of an affair. I don't know if this will be effective for women to use, but you could try it. Don't go anything obvious, just get dressed up and tell him you're going "out." Then, go to a movie, or out to eat with a girlfriend. You don't want him to think you're cheating. You just want to imply the possibility and for him to think that he needs to step it up to hold your interest.


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## Babes (Dec 23, 2009)

PHTlump said:


> A drop off in activity can also be a red flag for an affair. Do a bit of subtle snooping (checking his email & text messages, cell phone records, etc.) to see if there are any other indicators.
> 
> A tactic that men use when their wives show little interest is to plant subtle hints at the possibility of an affair. I don't know if this will be effective for women to use, but you could try it. Don't go anything obvious, just get dressed up and tell him you're going "out." Then, go to a movie, or out to eat with a girlfriend. You don't want him to think you're cheating. You just want to imply the possibility and for him to think that he needs to step it up to hold your interest.


I am 100% sure he is not having an affair. If he is not at work or the gym(with me) he is at home. He is very touch feely and kisses and cuddles me BUT this is where it stops. I would not say there was a sudden drop in his interest, it has just got progresively worse. Last night, he was lying on the couch watching TV and said come cuddle, I did and we watched TV, when we went to bed he was holding me and lying behind me but there is no desire coming from him - does he see me as a friend, a sister, I feel so low today and I just don' know what to do  I am also sick of brining up the topic as I feel like I am alway moaning.....


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Babes said:


> He does not seem to think there is a problem with him, he thinks there is a problem with me and I need sex to feel loved!!!


I fought with my H about sex, too! he didnt want it and i needed it. i tried to fix him. i read all about everything that could possibly be wrong with him. And of course i was not hesitant to regurgitate everything i had learned about his problems. You know what i eventually realized? I was the one with the problem! it was a real eye-opener for me. my H was completely OK with how things were. I had the problem so it was up to me to change.

Dont get me wrong, his way of being was certainly not going to work for me. If i was going to stay he was going to have to change. But he absolutely did not have to. Im sure there are plenty of women out there that could go months without sex and be completely fine. maybe he'd get along better with someone else, and visa versa. 

the point is tell him what your problem is and ask him if he thinks he can meet your needs. If he says no, which is said more with actions and less with words, then you have to decide how to solve your problem- in a way that is in your control. i wasnt ready to just leave my relationship and so i worked on my resentment and i worked on getting a grip on my sex drive. it was at the point that it was becoming a driving force of negativity in my life.


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## Babes (Dec 23, 2009)

Thanks, the above post really makes sense. I guess I am the one with the problem, I am not happy and I need to do something about it. I love this man to death and I really don't want it to be the end of our marriage, and I know long term I want to grow old with this man - then sex won't really matter, will it??? I juest find it so hard to understand, men are supposed to love sex, are they not??? I know I need to work on myself and I guess it is my self esteem than needs working on. He did say the other night something about sex, and I said, oh I could not be bothered anymore and he said it's a shame because I would never say no! I think that is another problem, I wait for him to come on to me and I never initiate, I think I am scared of being rejected..... but is it going to be me that comes on to him for the rest of our lives??? Sorry, I know I am rambling but I think I just need to get stuff written down......


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## Babes (Dec 23, 2009)

it was at the point that it was becoming a driving force of negativity in my life.[/QUOTE]

Are you totally happy with your life now? did you come to terms with the fact that your husband did not need sex? I don't really know if I ever can


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Babes said:


> Thanks, the above post really makes sense. I guess I am the one with the problem, I am not happy and I need to do something about it. I love this man to death and I really don't want it to be the end of our marriage, and I know long term I want to grow old with this man - then sex won't really matter, will it??? I juest find it so hard to understand, men are supposed to love sex, are they not??? I know I need to work on myself and I guess it is my self esteem than needs working on. He did say the other night something about sex, and I said, oh I could not be bothered anymore and he said it's a shame because I would never say no! I think that is another problem, I wait for him to come on to me and I never initiate, I think I am scared of being rejected..... but is it going to be me that comes on to him for the rest of our lives??? Sorry, I know I am rambling but I think I just need to get stuff written down......


You may be missing the answer here. He has told you he would never say no. You have been together a long time. No matter how much you love each other, sometimes life gets boring, sometimes sex gets boring, sometimes our relationships get boring. You have the power to mix things up and add some excitement. Around the age you are at - some men slow down sexually a little. It often takes more to get them excited and aroused. Maybe he just needs some excitement to help jump start things again. Maybe he wants, desires, needs you to want him - to show him that you desire him! Be the aggressor for awhile. Buy some new sexy stuff. Try new things, new places. Tease him before he goes to work, text tease him during the day, etc. Break your routine!. I suspect if this is the problem that he will respond quickly.

If you want to be desired, act desirable!!!! 

Try it! What do you got to loose.


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## Babes (Dec 23, 2009)

Thank you Mary, thinking back I have tried to be sexy but not really "in your face" of you know what I mean, maybe I do need to just be confident and be "in your face", but I am so scared of being rejected, but you right, what have I got to loose??? Nothing, if it does not work out then I suppose I can truly say I have tried everything (if we need to have a chat again).

I thrown hints about getting some "toys" but he does not seem interested. When I said to him that I will buy some sexy underwear he said he would rather me have nothing on, if confuses me a bit  but you right, maybe I should "take the bull by the horns" and start doing something about it.
:lol:


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

DO "take the bull by the horns" lol

Stop talking about it - don't ask for permission to be sexy and to do sexy things. Just do them! Feel sexy! 

How sexy is it to be asked about everything? Seduce the man! You are already feeling rejected, so what are you really afraid of? 

Initiate!!!!

One night - tell him you are going to give him a back rub. When he is all relaxed have him roll over - kiss him passionatley and then work your way down. Then try this:

A complete guide to lingam massage

I am kind of thinking you won't be rejected!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Babes said:


> Are you totally happy with your life now? did you come to terms with the fact that your husband did not need sex? I don't really know if I ever can


I am very happy with my life now. But NO! i could never accept my H not wanting sex with me. no way. Sure you can try mind games to momentarily convince yourself you dont need it, etc, but eventually you'll explode. 

My H committed to changing. But that was after I realized he did not have to change and he was not a horrible person if he didnt want to. We simply were not compatible if he wanted to stay how he was. I also committed to changing- not for my marriage but for myself. I had become a raving b*tch. I was so bitter, angry, and passive aggressive. Plus my self-esteem was in the toilet. Those were/are my issues to fix and it was something i was going to have to do whether i was married or single. I thought changing my H would fix the problems I was having but then I realized that if i was divorced i would still have these problems and still have to fix them. I leave him alone with his issues while I work on mine, but i have to know he is serious about working on them. 

Its not certain that my H and I will stay together. But staying together is not the point. Finding happiness for myself is the point. Maybe its with him, maybe its not. either way everything will work out just the way its supposed to. the only certain thing is changing you is the only way to be happy.


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## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

There are health reasons this can happen. He needs a physical and a frank talk with his doctor.

If he's cuddling and you're getting along it's probably something you can fix. 

Men are so easily wounded about this subject. Be careful and don't badger him, it will only make it worse.

Stop thinking it's the way you look or whatever...I promise...it's NOT!


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## Quest (Apr 3, 2011)

Well, I know the feeling. After my husband has had several affairs, I was hoping as he is now home more, the sex life that we could have would improve. It has not. I either initiate, or we go weeks without. I feel cheated. He is 40 now. It wouldn't be so bad, but I know he watches porn. Then he will relieve himself. I have spoken to him about how I feel unwanted. It doesn't change things very long, before it's back to weeks without. I have asked him to direct his sexual interest at home, with me by saying the following: you can just eat fast food because it is available, but your health would eventually suffer. Likewise, you can have sex that is like fast food, and it affects the health of the marriage. I know you can't force attraction, but I don't want to be the only one always wanting to be together, especially after in the past he chased other people, and still watches porn. Yes, I take care of myself, and practice good manners. We have a 15 year old girl, and a 13 year old boy. We have been through alot in 17 years of marriage, but I am still wanting a real marriage, not just one for the sake of the children, if we are going to be married. Why not do it the right way?


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## marriedwithkids1 (Nov 10, 2010)

I agree with Mary take charg and make it happen

It is concievable at 40 his drive is dimishing. Try not to take it personal. If you were the hottest women on earth he may not be as "in the mood". Men are not quick to admit this. If this is the case your goal is not to make him feel bad just to get more action. 

If he is not interested in Toys get one anyway. When he turns you down, turn it on. Why be subtle? Life is too short. I was embarrassed to admit i used a toy to my H. He had to pull it out out of me (figuratively). Granted my H is the Hight drive person. nonetheless he has asked me to shoe him using it. It is very arousign for him. If nothing else it will demonstrate the seriousness of your need and send a message you will get it somehow. 

What about his workouts, do you join him in these? Perhaps if you sweated together you would do more...sweating together. Do you share his passion for fitness? 

It is concievable he may have/is starting to develop some sort of decreased drive so you should be cognisent to not to magnify the problem by giving him performance anxiety.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

Agree with others his mojo may be slowing and the suggestions of others regarding a potential physical problem may be in order but, you may need to take more of a lead. (if you have not already) Try mixing it up. Play games, buy something sexy. Maybe he doesn't want lingeri because he is practical and doesn't see the value in it. Are you comfortable with your body enough to model naughty things for him. How does he respond when you attack him? Rip his pant off and tell him what you want. If he is not aroused put his d#% in your mouth. Even if i am tired or not in the mood, moves like this get me going and make me want to have sex. 

I don't agree with the idea that because he is cuddly that all is OK. Make sure everything is cool between you.


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## JessiTexas40s (May 28, 2011)

I get what you are feeling. Been with mine since I was 16, am now 41. I want sex MUCH more often than he does. He doesn't turn me down so much as act like he's performing a service. Sometimes he even looks frightened by the idea. I also am very creative, he appears to be a born again virgin. GEEZ! He also seems averse to trying new ways to connect outside the bedroom. I love porn, he watches for me. His job is very stressful but what better relief? We have grown children, and a granddaughter with a grandson on the way. I dont work anymore outside of caring for my elderly mother, so I'm always here. I have developed severe depression due to family issues and sex is an escape for me. I have no idea what to do. We have almost split up a few times due to his ignoring me, what the hell does xbox offer anyway? Subliminal anit-sex messages? He laughs more with those online friends than ever with me. May just have to go find it elsewhere and just keep it a secret. << just venting wont do that


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

^ You have to get him in a lovey-dovey mood, something the missus has learnt (still learning from time to time) to do. Give him some space sure but also want to spend time with him in non-sexual activity, he plays his xbox? play with him. He goes out rock-climbing, join him. He goes out paintballing, join him and play 'superior officer' later. etc etc There are other skills; such as teasing, indifference, etc. But focus on the above first, see what happens.


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## Blackberry65 (Mar 28, 2016)

Babes said:


> I have asked him to go to the doctor and he refuses to go! To tell you the truth I am getting tired of talking about it, he makes out that I am the one with the problem and I NEED sex to feel loved!


I ask myself this question often... I know I love words of affirmation and I love sex but my boyfriend whom I adore gives me everything but the sex I need. I feel like I'm more advanced in that department honestly. I think he is into me but geez...how do I say.. I need this or I need that....do I just let him go? He's so great in every other dept. JUST NOT SEX!


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