# Holding on but don’t know why.



## tink2019 (May 7, 2019)

Hi my name is Sonya. First time here. I don’t know if this is the right thread to post in. Please let me know if not.

My story is long but I will make as short as possible with hopefully enough details.

Hubby and I have been together for 9 years. No children together. We married in 2011and were divorced in 2015 for infidelity on his part and a hope heap of other issues.

We found our way back to each other but we are still having those same issues but no cheating. Well as of lately I’m starting to believe he’s cheating. 

This man does not trust me for anything in this world yet I still stay and try make him see that he can trust me. Very minimal what he’ll do for me or with me. It’s so hard being with him like this bc he treats me like a stranger that he doesn’t trust. And whenever we are in a heated argument he tells me how much he doesn’t trust me and he calls me sneaky. But then I asks how can he stay with me, he says bc he loves me and doesn’t want to be with anyone else. So confusing.

I have done nothing to earn his distrust and I feel like I’m choking in the relationship. We don’t do anything together. I mean we don’t don’t do anything!!! All we do is have sex whenever he finds the time to actually spend some time at home. I complained about him coming home so late and he stopped for a week or so then right back. 

He comes home I’m sleeping, I leave for work he’s sleeping. What kind of life is this. I lost a lot bc of him and all he thinks about is bettering himself. I’m laying next to him drowning I debt but he doesn’t lift a finger to help me get back on my feet. 

I break my back for this man, but I don’t get that in return. And when I complain he acts like he doesn’t care. Like his body language and the way he speak tells me so. This has been going on for years and I’m really tired of feeling like this. I don’t know what I’m holding on to. I feel like he wants to be with someone else that he feels is better than me bc he’s always saying little things. 

I work a 9-5. Been on my job for 25 years making decent money. He runs his own business and i gets angry bc I won’t quit my job to help him. He’s running across many women who also runs their own business and I feel like that’s what he wants instead.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

*Re: Holding on but don’t know why.*

When he says that you are cheating he is projecting his guilt onto you. Why on earth did you go back, once you had split up you shouldn’t have gotten back together. 
Under no circumstances should you give up your job and work for him. He will have you exactly where he wants you.
Under his control.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

tink2019 said:


> We married in 2011and were divorced in 2015 for infidelity on his part and a hope heap of other issues.
> 
> We found our way back to each other but we are still having those same issues but no cheating. Well as of lately I’m starting to believe he’s cheating.


Sounds like nothing changed between the time of the divorce and getting back together.

You sound miserable. Why stay? And please don't respond with, "But I love him." This is not what love looks like.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

*Re: Holding on but don’t know why.*

So HE cheated yet HE doesn't TRUST you???? Eh? 

To be honest I have no idea why you got back together with him.


----------



## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

tink2019 said:


> Hi my name is Sonya. First time here. I don’t know if this is the right thread to post in. Please let me know if not.
> 
> My story is long but I will make as short as possible with hopefully enough details.
> 
> ...


In the many years I spent volunteering at the marriage group, I never heard of nor met anyone who cheated just the once and was redeemed after. Maybe there are such people but I have never heard of one nor have I met one. As far as I know cheating is not about sex but more about what the cheater thinks about himself/herself and her/his spouse. That cannot be changes by anyone or by logic or by events. So the cheater will always cheat.


----------



## tink2019 (May 7, 2019)

Andy1001 said:


> When he says that you are cheating he is projecting his guilt onto you. Why on earth did you go back, once you had split up you shouldn’t have gotten back together.
> Under no circumstances should you give up your job and work for him. He will have you exactly where he wants you.
> Under his control.


And this is exactly how I feel. He almost had me to that point because he at one point made me feel like having a 9-5 was for lame people. But i came out from under that spell quickly. I knew better than to go back but thought that i'd give it another shot. smh


----------



## tink2019 (May 7, 2019)

Prodigal said:


> Sounds like nothing changed between the time of the divorce and getting back together.
> 
> You sound miserable. Why stay? And please don't respond with, "But I love him." This is not what love looks like.


No, the love is pretty much gone. He treats me like crap. i'm struggling to find the courage to just tell him that i'm done and leave. I have to have all my ducks lined up first. I still have my 16 year old who's being caught up in all of this.


----------



## tink2019 (May 7, 2019)

MaiChi said:


> In the many years I spent volunteering at the marriage group, I never heard of nor met anyone who cheated just the once and was redeemed after. Maybe there are such people but I have never heard of one nor have I met one. As far as I know cheating is not about sex but more about what the cheater thinks about himself/herself and her/his spouse. That cannot be changes by anyone or by logic or by events. So the cheater will always cheat.[/QUOTI
> 
> I believe this wholehearedly!


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@tink2019 welcome to TAM.

I have moved your thread to the Coping With Infidelity section.

You'll receive some good advice and insights.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

tink2019 said:


> Hi my name is Sonya. First time here. I don’t know if this is the right thread to post in. Please let me know if not.
> 
> My story is long but I will make as short as possible with hopefully enough details.
> 
> ...


Unfortunately for most cheaters the problem is in their nature. Now with very hard work they can put behaviors in place to work against that nature, just like and alcoholic can establish boundaries to give them a better chance of avoiding drinking. But it's still in their nature and they must fight against it. Doesn't sound like your husband has even started this. 

Life is too short, there are men out there who you will have a happier healthier life with. You just have to have the courage to move forward.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You made a mistake in deciding to R and now you know. Your child is watching everything that goes on so put together a plan and move on. Don't expect him to make it easy for you because he likely won't. But this time don't look back.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

tink2019 said:


> I have to have all my ducks lined up first. I still have my 16 year old who's being caught up in all of this.


I'm all for having your ducks lined up as much as possible before pulling the plug. But I'm sure you don't want a 16 year old witnessing this type of behavior and possibly using it as a role model.

There are folks here who have a great deal of experience with cheaters. They can give you excellent advice and support. Please listen to what they have to say. I went through abuse with an alcoholic spouse, but he never cheated. I will bow out and leave it to the experienced TAM'ers.

Best of luck, and I hope you are able to get out of this soon!


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

At this time you are the only one keeping yourself in limbo.

No one else has the power but you to do that


----------



## Loveshorror (Feb 27, 2019)

I think your path is clear. File and lose that extra weight. Besides everyone’s great advice about his accusations against you, it also allows him to deflect from his own actions, given you are busy trying to show him his accusations have no merit. Stop doing that.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MaiChi said:


> In the many years I spent volunteering at the marriage group, I never heard of nor met anyone who cheated just the once and was redeemed after. Maybe there are such people but I have never heard of one nor have I met one. As far as I know cheating is not about sex but more about what the cheater thinks about himself/herself and her/his spouse. That cannot be changes by anyone or by logic or by events. So the cheater will always cheat.


There are several of us right here on TAM. So you have met some of us, now! 

However we found TAM because we needed help and we learnt that cheating, yes, even revenge cheating, is not the way forward.

OP's husband will not learn that, probably. Why? Because he is Special in his own mind.

His poor behaviour needs to be rewarded with a second and last divorce.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Openminded said:


> You made a mistake in deciding to R and now you know. Your child is watching everything that goes on so put together a plan and move on. Don't expect him to make it easy for you because he likely won't. But this time don't look back.


OP made no mistakes. Husband is the one making all the mistakes.

BUT! OP can, and should, be the one to fix her husband's mistakes with the application of a divorce.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

tink2019 said:


> Hi my name is Sonya. First time here. I don’t know if this is the right thread to post in. Please let me know if not.
> 
> My story is long but I will make as short as possible with hopefully enough details.
> 
> ...


He accuses you of what he does.

And honestly, why are you wasting the ONE life you have on a person who doesn't meet your needs, doesn't put you first, makes you unhappy, is a cheater, and doesn't put a smile on your face? You don't have enough years in your life to waste any more on this guy.


----------



## tink2019 (May 7, 2019)

MattMatt said:


> @tink2019 welcome to TAM.
> 
> I have moved your thread to the Coping With Infidelity section.
> 
> You'll receive some good advice and insights.


Thank you so much.


----------



## tink2019 (May 7, 2019)

Openminded said:


> You made a mistake in deciding to R and now you know. Your child is watching everything that goes on so put together a plan and move on. Don't expect him to make it easy for you because he likely won't. But this time don't look back.


That's basically what I'm doing right now. I can really honestly say that this time I really feel courageous enough to go. I stayed so long because I was afraid. He always made me feel like, I've done something wrong, and that would guilt me into keeping quiet. Then more time passes by.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Read this article. See if it applies.
https://www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse#humiliation-negating-and-criticizing


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

tink2019 said:


> That's basically what I'm doing right now. I can really honestly say that this time I really feel courageous enough to go. I stayed so long because I was afraid. He always made me feel like, I've done something wrong, and that would guilt me into keeping quiet. Then more time passes by.


You're on the right path. Fear of what may lie ahead very often keeps people in dysfunctional relationships. You're a step ahead of all those people still swirling in dysfunction who don't have the courage to get out. I was one of those people for many years and that's absolutely no way to live.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Girl, you were free! Divorce happens for a reason. I am sorry it isnt working out, but glad to see you know what needs to be done. He is projecting his guilt onto you as mistrust, and you dont deserve that.


----------



## Why Bother (Apr 26, 2019)

tink2019 said:


> That's basically what I'm doing right now. I can really honestly say that this time I really feel courageous enough to go. I stayed so long because I was afraid. He always made me feel like, I've done something wrong, and that would guilt me into keeping quiet. Then more time passes by.


I done this for many years. I would stay and the in a few months the same behavior returns. It also sounds like him calling you sneaky and being distrustful is what he is using to justify what he is doing. Always find fault in the spouse so the things that the WS is doing is all justifiable and ok for them.

Nothing ever gets resolved and I can guess he refuses marriage counseling.


----------



## tink2019 (May 7, 2019)

Openminded said:


> You're on the right path. Fear of what may lie ahead very often keeps people in dysfunctional relationships. You're a step ahead of all those people still swirling in dysfunction who don't have the courage to get out. I was one of those people for many years and that's absolutely no way to live.



How did you finally leave? I can say i'm ready to split but he will not give me time to find a place, he'll make me leave asap. It happened before and I had to give in. But now i'm preparing to not be in that predicament again so that I can just go and don't look back.


----------



## tink2019 (May 7, 2019)

turnera said:


> Read this article. See if it applies.


Thank you for the article!! You will not believe how much of it applies to me.


----------



## tink2019 (May 7, 2019)

Why Bother said:


> I done this for many years. I would stay and the in a few months the same behavior returns. It also sounds like him calling you sneaky and being distrustful is what he is using to justify what he is doing. Always find fault in the spouse so the things that the WS is doing is all justifiable and ok for them.
> 
> Nothing ever gets resolved and I can guess he refuses marriage counseling.


He said to me that he wanted to go to counseling and I agreed. But his reason for wanting to go was to learn how to trust. I told him that we can go but we also need individual counseling. Well that then went out of the window.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

tink2019 said:


> How did you finally leave? I can say i'm ready to split but he will not give me time to find a place, he'll make me leave asap. It happened before and I had to give in. But now i'm preparing to not be in that predicament again so that I can just go and don't look back.


You get your plan in place first, then you tell him. Get a place leased, find an attorney, open your own bank account. Take pictures of things in your house, get copies of important documents, move out small personal valuables like jewelry, etc. I've done it, if I can do it so can you.


----------



## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

You seem to be in the right mindset now. He cheated on you in your first marriage, and now he is tormenting you by neglect, and add to that he's constantly accusing YOU of being untrustworthy.

Since he is refusing to get IC, he won't get better. He thinks YOU are the problem, and will continue to do so until he comes to terms with himself.

Continue getting your ducks in a row, and cut bait ASAP.

Also, are you codependent? Read the book "Codependent No More." I sense that you may have some of that going on, given that you remarried him when not much had changed.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

tink2019 said:


> How did you finally leave? I can say i'm ready to split but he will not give me time to find a place, he'll make me leave asap. It happened before and I had to give in. But now i'm preparing to not be in that predicament again so that I can just go and don't look back.


My situation was a little different. I had told him if I caught him cheating again, after he swore he never would, I was done. When I caught him the second time I said I needed a year so we could separate our finances and then I was filing. He tried to talk me out of it but I had already forgiven him once and wasn't going to again. We remained in the same house for six or eight months before he moved in with his just-met girlfriend (who was not the AP). Once he moved out then the divorce couldn't happen soon enough for him so he was very cooperative at that point in giving me what I wanted.


----------



## tink2019 (May 7, 2019)

Araucaria said:


> You seem to be in the right mindset now. He cheated on you in your first marriage, and now he is tormenting you by neglect, and add to that he's constantly accusing YOU of being untrustworthy.
> 
> Since he is refusing to get IC, he won't get better. He thinks YOU are the problem, and will continue to do so until he comes to terms with himself.
> 
> ...


I read an article that @tunera sent to me. All highlighted in yellow applied to me. 


are unhappy in the relationship, but fear alternatives

consistently neglect your own needs for the sake of theirs

ditch friends and sideline your family to please your partner (although he says he doesn't mind if i go out, but every time i did go out, he would be really short with me)

frequently seek out your partner’s approval

critique yourself through your abuser’s eyes, ignoring your own instincts

make a lot of sacrifices to please the other person, but it’s not reciprocated

would rather live in the current state of chaos than be alone

bite your tongue and repress your feelings to keep the peace

feel responsible and take the blame for something they did

defend your abuser when others point out what’s happening
try to “rescue” them from themselves
feel guilty when you stand up for yourself

think you deserve this treatment
believe that nobody else could ever want to be with you

change your behavior in response to guilt; your abuser says, “I can’t live without you,” so you stay


----------



## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

tink2019 said:


> I read an article that @tunera sent to me. All highlighted in yellow applied to me.
> 
> 
> are unhappy in the relationship, but fear alternatives
> ...


I can't read the yellow, it's too bright for me. Can you change the color?


----------



## aRock (Feb 13, 2019)

I hate the yellow, too. Just drag your mouse over it, as if you were going to copy it. The highlight will make it readable.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

tink2019 said:


> Thank you for the article!! You will not believe how much of it applies to me.


Then you need to know one thing, tink. Living with an abusive man does ONE thing, over time: It robs a woman of her ability to believe she can handle anything. It systematically degrades her belief in herself, it makes her question her own feelings, it makes her doubt what she thinks she can do. It destroys SO MUCH.

So first off, understand that whatever doubts you're having? They're not real. You're the same capable smart person you ever were, capable of living on your own, paying for your own place, having a savings account, starting your own business...whatever you want.

But it won't happen if you stay with him.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I see where you divorced in 2015. You call him hubby.

I don't see where you remarried. Are you currently married?

If not, just find a place and leave. But follow all the advice about protecting yourself financially already given by others here.


----------



## tink2019 (May 7, 2019)

Araucaria said:


> I can't read the yellow, it's too bright for me. Can you change the color?


I edited it. hopefully you can see it. I'm still learning my way around the site.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

tink2019 said:


> How did you finally leave? I can say i'm ready to split but he will not give me time to find a place, he'll *make *me leave asap. It happened before and *I had to give in*. But now i'm preparing to not be in that predicament again so that I can just go and don't look back.


What do "make" and "had to" look like?


----------



## tink2019 (May 7, 2019)

turnera said:


> Then you need to know one thing, tink. Living with an abusive man does ONE thing, over time: It robs a woman of her ability to believe she can handle anything. It systematically degrades her belief in herself, it makes her question her own feelings, it makes her doubt what she thinks she can do. It destroys SO MUCH.
> 
> So first off, understand that whatever doubts you're having? They're not real. You're the same capable smart person you ever were, capable of living on your own, paying for your own place, having a savings account, starting your own business...whatever you want.
> 
> But it won't happen if you stay with him.


Yes, I'm learning this now. I just hate that it took me so long. So blinded by the fact that I really couldn't see myself with anyone else. Right now today, I still can't see that but I know this is not what I should be going through and I don't want to feel this way anymore.


----------



## tink2019 (May 7, 2019)

TDSC60 said:


> I see where you divorced in 2015. You call him hubby.
> 
> I don't see where you remarried. Are you currently married?
> 
> If not, just find a place and leave. But follow all the advice about protecting yourself financially already given by others here.


No, we did not remarry and I'm so glad that we did not. He keeps saying that he wants to remarry but never did anything about it. I think that he believed by saying that it would keep me there. I don't know, but i'm glad he stopped talking about it. Definitely taking everyone's advice.


----------



## tink2019 (May 7, 2019)

NobodySpecial said:


> What do "make" and "had to" look like?


When I told him that we needed to split but i needed some time to get myself together, he agreed at first. So I started sleeping on the couch. As the days went by, he started getting angrier and angrier!! And his words got nastier and nastier. The more I ignored him he got more fueled. So he started throwing my things to the streets saying that we had to get the "f" out now. With nowhere to go, I started putting my things in my car to God knows where, then he starts to pull them out and putting them back in the house. Then he takes my keys and starts to pull me back inside. I do not like public confrontation so I just went back in.

He apologized and I forgave him. But I knew that his behavior wouldn't change and from then I started putting my plan in motion. While doing all this, I'm still so emotional.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

tink2019 said:


> When I told him that we needed to split but i needed some time to get myself together, he agreed at first. So I started sleeping on the couch. As the days went by, he started getting angrier and angrier!! And his words got nastier and nastier. The more I ignored him he got more fueled. So he started throwing my things to the streets saying that we had to get the "f" out now. With nowhere to go, I started putting my things in my car to God knows where, then he starts to pull them out and putting them back in the house. Then he takes my keys and starts to pull me back inside. I do not like public confrontation so I just went back in.
> 
> He apologized and I forgave him. But I knew that his behavior wouldn't change and from then I started putting my plan in motion. While doing all this, I'm still so emotional.


Is there a battered women's shelter or hotline in your area? They are very good at helping with exit plans when the abuser seeks to make the exit difficult.


----------



## tink2019 (May 7, 2019)

NobodySpecial said:


> Is there a battered women's shelter or hotline in your area? They are very good at helping with exit plans when the abuser seeks to make the exit difficult.


Not that I know of. I never looked that deep into it for being so fearful of embarrassment.


----------



## tink2019 (May 7, 2019)

NobodySpecial said:


> Is there a battered women's shelter or hotline in your area? They are very good at helping with exit plans when the abuser seeks to make the exit difficult.


I will start to look.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

tink2019 said:


> Not that I know of. I never looked that deep into it for being so fearful of embarrassment.


With whom will you be embarrassed? I am not trying to give you ****. Just to share that the women you would be talking to have been in your shoes and worse. And, hopefully, you can come to learn that having done nothing wrong, there is nothing for you to be embarrassed about.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

tink2019 said:


> When I told him that we needed to split but i needed some time to get myself together, he agreed at first. So I started sleeping on the couch. As the days went by, he started getting angrier and angrier!! And his words got nastier and nastier. The more I ignored him he got more fueled. So he started throwing my things to the streets saying that we had to get the "f" out now. With nowhere to go, I started putting my things in my car to God knows where, then he starts to pull them out and putting them back in the house. Then he takes my keys and starts to pull me back inside. I do not like public confrontation so I just went back in.
> 
> He apologized and I forgave him. But I knew that his behavior wouldn't change and from then I started putting my plan in motion. While doing all this, I'm still so emotional.


There are a couple terms for what happened here.

One is "battery" and the other "false inprisonment".

Consult the assistance of an official battered women's agency and seek legal counsel and assistance in protecting yourself and getting away.


----------



## tink2019 (May 7, 2019)

NobodySpecial said:


> With whom will you be embarrassed? I am not trying to give you ****. Just to share that the women you would be talking to have been in your shoes and worse. And, hopefully, you can come to learn that having done nothing wrong, there is nothing for you to be embarrassed about.


No, I know. It's kind of like the feeling you get in the classroom when you want to ask a question but you're afraid that everyone will think it's a stupid question and laugh at you. I know it sounds very immature and I know there are other women going through the same or worse but while I'm actually in it, I feel so alone and like I'm the only one on earth going through it. I'm so glad to have found this site.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

tink2019 said:


> No, I know. It's kind of like the feeling you get in the classroom when you want to ask a question but you're afraid that everyone will think it's a stupid question and laugh at you. I know it sounds very immature and I know there are other women going through the same or worse but while I'm actually in it, I feel so alone and like I'm the only one on earth going through it. I'm so glad to have found this site.


It is not immature. It is completely normal. Does it help to know that I understand that feeling of being alone? That I was the only one in the world going through this, in this way, right now?


----------



## tink2019 (May 7, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> There are a couple terms for what happened here.
> 
> One is "battery" and the other "false inprisonment".
> 
> Consult the assistance of an official battered women's agency and seek legal counsel and assistance in protecting yourself and getting away.


Online looking for some places now.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Good listen if ted talks are your thing

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame?language=en


----------



## tink2019 (May 7, 2019)

NobodySpecial said:


> It is not immature. It is completely normal. Does it help to know that I understand that feeling of being alone? That I was the only one in the world going through this, in this way, right now?


Yes, it really helps a lot.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Get this book. It will help you cement your determination to leave.
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/why-does-he-do-that-lundy-bancroft/1102335902#/


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

There are three things that keep people stuck in toxic relationships. Fear, resting inertia and hope.

Fear is pretty obvious. People fear change. People fear financial upheaval and loss of home equity, lawyer fees, loss of partner's income etc and people fear being alone and dying alone being eaten by their cats.

Resting inertia can also be a powerful force in that many people would rather live in the hell they are familiar with rather dealing with time, effort and cost of seeking an uncertain heaven. Sometimes it can just come down to laziness and being willing to settle rather than muster up the strength and energy to change their situation.

And then there is hope. People often stay out of hope. Hope that the other person will somehow be transformed into someone different. Hope that they themselves will somehow unlock some mysterious, secret code that will magically make the other person love them and desire them and make them treat them decently.

Hopium is a powerful, addictive drug that makes us cling on to fantasies and beliefs in magic that if we were somehow nicer or skinnier or richer or more accomidating, that that will somehow make our partners into better people. 

Hopium makes us believe that some circumstance will make a bad person with bad character and who abuses and mistreats us, will cause them to "wake up" and transform into a decent people that is kind and living and treats us well.

Fear, inertia and hope can all be overcame.

You overcome fear by seeking knowledgable, professional counsel and become informed with actual facts rather than relying on all the myths, wive's tales and urban legends that surround divorce (#1 of which, is that always harms children)

With actual facts and professional guidence and counsel you can look into various options and determine which are workable for you and make plans forward.

Overcoming inertia is just mustering up the courage, determination and gumption to actually perform the physical tasks of doing it.

And breaking the Hopium addiction is mostly a matter of accepting that someone sucks and that it is who and what they are and that there is nothing you can do that will change them.


----------



## tink2019 (May 7, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> There are three things that keep people stuck in toxic relationships. Fear, resting inertia and hope.
> 
> Fear is pretty obvious. People fear change. People fear financial upheaval and loss of home equity, lawyer fees, loss of partner's income etc and people fear being alone and dying alone being eaten by their cats.
> 
> ...


oooooh all of the above!


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

tink2019 said:


> Yes, it really helps a lot.


I'll chime in. I was in a physically abusive relationship with a live in boyfriend for 12 years. I got assistance from a local battered women's shelter at the YWCA . They helped me formulate an exit plan, provided me with such wonderful emotional support, among many other things. They helped me tremendously. I am now out of that situation thankfully.

And like you, even though I knew I did nothing wrong to warrant such vitriol, I was highly embarrassed about my situation. So much so, my family didn't know until after the fact. Wish I had done things so differently.


----------



## tink2019 (May 7, 2019)

lucy999 said:


> I'll chime in. I was in a physically abusive relationship with a live in boyfriend for 12 years. I got assistance from a local battered women's shelter at the YWCA . They helped me formulate an exit plan, provided me with such wonderful emotional support, among many other things. They helped me tremendously. I am now out of that situation thankfully.
> 
> And like you, even though I knew I did nothing wrong to warrant such vitriol, I was highly embarrassed about my situation. So much so, my family didn't know until after the fact. Wish I had done things so differently.


I'm so thankful that you sent me this. I found a few places that I will be reaching out to this morning. So looking forward to putting this all behind me. I know that everything takes time but I wish that I could just go to sleep and wake up and realize that this was all just a nightmare.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Please fight the urge to tell him any of your plans until you are GONE. Do not tell him where you go to. It is none of his business.


----------



## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

You are worth more than this. Spend some time and focus on yourself. Disconnect yourself from this man... There is no 'better path' with him.

Dedicate 500-700 dollars and find a gym that is doing some type of strength training.

My wife started doing it (after i had been doing it for over a year) and her confidence level is at an all-time high. You need to build yourself. You dont need him


----------



## tink2019 (May 7, 2019)

TDSC60 said:


> Please fight the urge to tell him any of your plans until you are GONE. Do not tell him where you go to. It is none of his business.


It's so funny that you say that, because I was having a pep talk with myself about this. I will not say a word. If I do, he will do like before. Act cool about it and then the boom!! I don't trust it.


----------



## tink2019 (May 7, 2019)

Steve2.0 said:


> You are worth more than this. Spend some time and focus on yourself. Disconnect yourself from this man... There is no 'better path' with him.
> 
> Dedicate 500-700 dollars and find a gym that is doing some type of strength training.
> 
> My wife started doing it (after i had been doing it for over a year) and her confidence level is at an all-time high. You need to build yourself. You dont need him


:iagree:


----------



## tink2019 (May 7, 2019)

OMGosh!! We had a talk this morning and he asked me what was wrong and why I was acting like I've so much on my mind lately. So I basically told him for the 100th time everything that I was feeling, basically I wrote in my original post. So, his response to all of this was that he acts this way is because he has a problem with (AGAIN!!!)letting go of things. SMDH!! Back in 2013 he put a bug in my car and heard me talking about him to my friend. I was telling her about him cheating on me and how poorly he treated me as his wife. Back then, I apologized and apologized and I thought he was ok but I guess not. I can't believe that he was still holding on to it. And that's what I said to him. 

He knew that he couldn't let it go so why even keep me around? But I also reminded him that he was the sneaky one because he bugged my car. I couldn't see clearly enough back then to think to say that to him. I'm so annoyed!!


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Yeah, HOW DARE YOU be all upset because he cheated on you? 

So HE cheats and he bugs YOUR CAR?? WTF even IS that?? What a piece of crap....


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What a putz. Love how when you dare share dissatisfaction, he drags up that you *gasp!* talked bad about him years ago. Good riddance.


----------



## tink2019 (May 7, 2019)

3Xnocharm said:


> Yeah, HOW DARE YOU be all upset because he cheated on you?
> 
> So HE cheats and he bugs YOUR CAR?? WTF even IS that?? What a piece of crap....


Yes he is.


----------



## tink2019 (May 7, 2019)

turnera said:


> What a putz. Love how when you dare share dissatisfaction, he drags up that you *gasp!* talked bad about him years ago. Good riddance.


i can't wait.


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

You apologised to him for talking bad about him, yet he dipped his wick in another woman??!!! Oh hon. I can't wait for you to lose his waste of skin. He is soooooo predictable. Seriously. What a prick.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Cheaters think everyone is on their (low) level.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

tink2019 said:


> Yes he is.


Shock horror, what a prick! If he brings up that **** about you talking about him to hi
Your friend, tell him, it as the truth, you cheated and I spoke the truth, nothing you would know about. Stand up for yourself; he’s a bully.


----------



## tink2019 (May 7, 2019)

lucy999 said:


> You apologised to him for talking bad about him, yet he dipped his wick in another woman??!!! Oh hon. I can't wait for you to lose his waste of skin. He is soooooo predictable. Seriously. What a prick.


Exactly! I'm seeing all things more clearly now.


----------



## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

It's the narcissist that's always concerned about their reputation.


----------



## tink2019 (May 7, 2019)

aine said:


> Shock horror, what a prick! If he brings up that **** about you talking about him to hi
> Your friend, tell him, it as the truth, you cheated and I spoke the truth, nothing you would know about. Stand up for yourself; he’s a bully.


lolol I called him a bully too. That's exactly what he is. Right now he is trying very hard to pick an argument with me because he didn't like the way things ended with our conversation yesterday. It ended too well and without it blowing up into an argument. So now he's nit picking about everything. But I won't let him get to me because I have my plan set.

He cleans no parts of the house and *WILL NOT* clean up behind himself at all!! But now, this morning he's having a fit because my daughter left her dirty clothes in the bathroom after showering. She only ran to take her clothes from the dryer and was going right back. Last night he went crazy because she forgot to put the alarm on when she came in. But he never puts the alarm on when he leaves. That's just to name a few. I didn't go back and forth with him I just told her to go and get her clothes and don't forget the alarm today.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You're helping your daughter by leaving him, you know.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

tink2019 said:


> lolol I called him a bully too. That's exactly what he is. Right now he is trying very hard to pick an argument with me because he didn't like the way things ended with our conversation yesterday. It ended too well and without it blowing up into an argument. So now he's nit picking about everything. But I won't let him get to me because I have my plan set.
> 
> H*e cleans no parts of the house and WILL NOT clean up behind himself at all!!* But now, this morning he's having a fit because my daughter left her dirty clothes in the bathroom after showering. She only ran to take her clothes from the dryer and was going right back. Last night he went crazy because she forgot to put the alarm on when she came in. But he never puts the alarm on when he leaves. That's just to name a few. I didn't go back and forth with him I just told her to go and get her clothes and don't forget the alarm today.


I hope you have stopped picking up behind him and taking care of HIS stuff, like his laundry. If you havent, you need to do so.


----------



## tink2019 (May 7, 2019)

3Xnocharm said:


> I hope you have stopped picking up behind him and taking care of HIS stuff, like his laundry. If you havent, you need to do so.


I'm ashamed to say that I still do. I do it because he will get a serious attitude, then he'll start with the belittling, and making up things that i'm not doing. For instance, I purchased a new lotion that I don't normally use. Been using this lotion for weeks now. So this morning he decides to say something. Him: "what happened to the old lotion? you would never change. why now? oh, let me guess somebody from your job told you to buy it so that's why you changed." I said no, i like the scent and decided on my own. Him: No you did not, you'll never change. your boo told you to get it" Me: Ignore:crying:

That is what I deal with at least every other week. So to avoid all of that, I still do it just to keep the peace while I'm still there. i know it's no good but I don't have the strength anymore for him.


----------



## tink2019 (May 7, 2019)

turnera said:


> You're helping your daughter by leaving him, you know.


yes, I know. I'm so happy for me and her. She knows that I'm unhappy.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

tink2019 said:


> lolol I called him a bully too. That's exactly what he is. Right now he is trying very hard to pick an argument with me because he didn't like the way things ended with our conversation yesterday. It ended too well and without it blowing up into an argument. So now he's nit picking about everything. But I won't let him get to me because I have my plan set.
> 
> He cleans no parts of the house and *WILL NOT* clean up behind himself at all!! But now, this morning he's having a fit because my daughter left her dirty clothes in the bathroom after showering. She only ran to take her clothes from the dryer and was going right back. Last night he went crazy because she forgot to put the alarm on when she came in. But he never puts the alarm on when he leaves. That's just to name a few. I didn't go back and forth with him I just told her to go and get her clothes and don't forget the alarm today.


Who cares what he thinks? Do not ask your daughter to bend over backwards to keep the peace or placate him. Show her what a strong woman is. 
If he pulls this **** again tell him off. Call him out. bullies hate to be called out. Tell him if he doesn’t like what happens in your home he can always F*** off to the OW house, you don’t give a damn. Enough already. find your voice and use it. He doesn’t deserve any respect.
Stop doing anything for him, laundry, cooking etc.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@tink2019 you have an excess weight problem.

Exactly how heavy is your husband?

And THAT figure in pounds, stones or kilograms is EXACTLY the excess weight you need to shed to make yourself and your daughter healthy and happy again.

A diet will not help. This type of excess weight is only ever curable with a surgical procedure called a divorceectomy.


----------



## tink2019 (May 7, 2019)

MattMatt said:


> @tink2019 you have an excess weight problem.
> 
> Exactly how heavy is your husband?
> 
> ...



:grin2::grin2:


----------



## tink2019 (May 7, 2019)

What a week this has been so far. 

I have been trying to keep my cool through all of his picking with me about this and that. But I knew that this ignoring thing would not last long. I don't say anything to him about nothing. He just comes and goes and as he pleases.

We had another talk on Monday morning. He asked me what was really going on with me and I said nothing has changed from the last time we talked. I'm just no longer interested in complaining. So he said, "look, I know that I can be an f&^%#* up man at times, and I know that I'm a hard pill to swallow. I'm a work in progress. Am I going to change overnight? If I said yes, I'd be lying to you. So I don't know what to tell you" So I said what I believe any man or women would have said if given that information. I said, well then we need to part ways. Was I wrong? I didn't even ask him for any of that that he said to me. I told him that I'd be leaving but he has to give me some time and asked that he please not go crazy on me and throw my things to the streets. He said that he wouldn't do that to me again. Kind of felt like that was a lie.

I know that the plan was to keep quiet until I got everything lined up for me to leave but he's just being overbearing now. I'm guessing because I'm not giving him any grief anymore. 

So on Monday after work my son treated me to a manicure and pedicure but I decided to break it up into 2 days. Mani Monday and Pedi Tuesday. Why didn't I do them both on Monday? Because I didn't want to take so long to get home for fear of him being upset and start accusing me of things and then kick me out. Monday was fine but Tuesday took me a little longer. Got home and he was not there (THANK GOD!!) but I knew that he was watching the cameras. I ran back out to pick some things up from the store and came back within 15 minutes. As soon I walked in he sent me a text accusing me of being out with someone and I'm doing it while under his roof and he's not having that.

Guys, what I'm about to tell you I did I know is wrong but I will tell you anyway. I told him how ridiculous he sounded and it's shame that I have to feel like this. I then sent him a video of me in the nail salon on Mon and Tue. I also sent him a pic of the receipt from the store. I know it's crazy but this has been my life story through our entire relationship. Me constantly proving myself to a man that cheated on me.

So, you probably can just about guess what happened next. He told me that I had to go. I told him that I'd be gone by the weekend and he said no that I had to leave at that moment. I said ok at first but then I got to thinking, where would I go right now on such short notice? I then told him that I was not leaving until I got up enough money to find a decent place and go. I also told him that it's easier for him to go stay somewhere so if he would stand to see me, then he can go stay somewhere until we are gone. He called me the devil. But he backed off for now. He also told me that I was torturing him. 

I am not trying to be under his roof no longer than I have to. I will be ready to move out by mid Jun. just hope he doesn't blow up again until then. I just have to go to work and come straight home. and on the weekends be confined to the house I guess.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

He cannot legally kick you out of the home. Stop appeasing him by confining yourself to the house, and for God's sake STOP with proving your fidelity to him! Take care of what you need to do, and he can pound sand. Who the F does he think he is?? Keep up what you were doing with minimal communication while you are still there. No matter how much of an ass he is to you, dont let him get you rattled, dont bow down to him, and dont let him tell you what to do. Did someone already post the 180 for you? That's what you need to follow. 

Once you get out of there, you need to cut contact with him, because I guarantee he is going to try and keep controlling you even when you're gone! Ignore his calls and texts, DO NOT ENGAGE any more once you're out. I cant remember if you have kids, but if so, ONLY communicate about the kids. And do so only through texts and emails, you want to be able to have proof of your interactions, because no doubt he is going to try and be abusive. If you tell him to stop and he doesnt, you can file a motion against him to prohibit contact. 

You need to find your anger... anger will help you be able to stand up for yourself and get things done.


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I will never berate you for your decisions here. It's called survival. I totally get it.

Remind me. Have you seen a lawyer? Is the home you're in the marital home? Why is he calling it his house? You really must consult with a lawyer asap. 

I'm so sorry he's making your life hell. Again. Do you not have it in you to tell him oh, that's rich, accusing me of cheating, when you HAVE cheated? You're torturing HIM? Haha. What a ****. My retort would be, nope, torture is being married to a man who cheats on his wife.

Are you physically afraid of him? Or do you think he's all bark and no bite?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I suggest you get a recording device at Best Buy and keep it in your pocket at all times.


----------



## tink2019 (May 7, 2019)

3Xnocharm said:


> He cannot legally kick you out of the home. Stop appeasing him by confining yourself to the house, and for God's sake STOP with proving your fidelity to him! Take care of what you need to do, and he can pound sand. Who the F does he think he is?? Keep up what you were doing with minimal communication while you are still there. No matter how much of an ass he is to you, dont let him get you rattled, dont bow down to him, and dont let him tell you what to do. Did someone already post the 180 for you? That's what you need to follow.
> 
> Once you get out of there, you need to cut contact with him, because I guarantee he is going to try and keep controlling you even when you're gone! Ignore his calls and texts, DO NOT ENGAGE any more once you're out. I cant remember if you have kids, but if so, ONLY communicate about the kids. And do so only through texts and emails, you want to be able to have proof of your interactions, because no doubt he is going to try and be abusive. If you tell him to stop and he doesnt, you can file a motion against him to prohibit contact.
> 
> You need to find your anger... anger will help you be able to stand up for yourself and get things done.


Maybe that's why he backed off. He know's that it's illegal. But is it illegal even if my name is not on the deed?

No one told me about 180 but I just looked it up and read it. Thank you for that. I will be exercising it .

No we do not have children together. So once i'm gone I never have to look back.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

tink2019 said:


> Maybe that's why he backed off. He know's that it's illegal. But is it illegal even if my name is not on the deed?
> 
> No one told me about 180 but I just looked it up and read it. Thank you for that. I will be exercising it .
> 
> *No we do not have children together. So once i'm gone I never have to look back.*


How awesome is that! All the more reason to cut contact and block once you're done. 

I think the 180 can really help you. I need to save it somewhere because I swear I have to go digging for it anytime I want to post it! 

You're doing great, keep going!


----------



## tink2019 (May 7, 2019)

lucy999 said:


> I will never berate you for your decisions here. It's called survival. I totally get it.
> 
> Remind me. Have you seen a lawyer? Is the home you're in the marital home? Why is he calling it his house? You really must consult with a lawyer asap.
> 
> ...


No, I have not seen a lawyer. We never remarried.

No, It isn't the marital home. Just before we got divorced we were looking for a home but never purchased. So I stayed at my apartment and he purchased a house after. Then when we got back together my daughter and I moved in with him.

I am not physically afraid of him but he gets so angry there's no telling what he'll do. That's what scares me.


----------



## tink2019 (May 7, 2019)

3Xnocharm said:


> How awesome is that! All the more reason to cut contact and block once you're done.
> 
> I think the 180 can really help you. I need to save it somewhere because I swear I have to go digging for it anytime I want to post it!
> 
> You're doing great, keep going!


Thank you!:smthumbup:


----------



## tink2019 (May 7, 2019)

turnera said:


> I suggest you get a recording device at Best Buy and keep it in your pocket at all times.


Yes, this is a must. Especially with him. He gets amnesia so fast. He tries to make me believe that he didn't say what he said.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

tink2019 said:


> Yes, this is a must. Especially with him. He gets amnesia so fast. He tries to make me believe that he didn't say what he said.


Gaslighting.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

tink2019 said:


> But is it illegal even if my name is not on the deed?


Yes. You've established residency in that home and have tenants rights. He'd have to legally evict you if he wants you out. The next time he starts threatening to throw you out or begins grabbing your stuff, call the police. It's actually illegal.


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> Yes. You've established residency in that home and have tenants rights. He'd have to legally evict you if he wants you out. The next time he starts threatening to throw you out or begins grabbing your stuff, call the police. It's actually illegal.


This is great info. I would've guessed the other way-that she has no legal rights since they're not married and it's not the marital home, she's nowhere on a deed or lease. Great news.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

lucy999 said:


> This is great info. I would've guessed the other way-that she has no legal rights since they're not married and it's not the marital home, she's nowhere on a deed or lease. Great news.


The specifics vary state to state, but not by a whole lot. If she's been living there for some time, uses that address to receive mail, uses that as her legal address on her Driver's License or State ID, and has possessions in the home she'd be considered a resident of the home pretty much anywhere. Since the deed is in his name, he's become her landlord and she his tenant. In order to kick her out he has to go through the eviction process.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

T/J: I'm study for a real estate license and I learned that, at least in Texas, if a person comes to live on your property and you don't take active verifiable measures to make them leave, if they are there long enough, they have claim to the property! That's how messed up laws can be.


----------



## tink2019 (May 7, 2019)

MJJEAN said:


> Yes. You've established residency in that home and have tenants rights. He'd have to legally evict you if he wants you out. The next time he starts threatening to throw you out or begins grabbing your stuff, call the police. It's actually illegal.



Thank you so much. This is like music to my ears. This will make my short stay a little smoother.


----------



## tink2019 (May 7, 2019)

turnera said:


> T/J: I'm study for a real estate license and I learned that, at least in Texas, if a person comes to live on your property and you don't take active verifiable measures to make them leave, if they are there long enough, they have claim to the property! That's how messed up laws can be.


Wow!


----------



## tink2019 (May 7, 2019)

Hello all.

I have been following everyone's advice and I am getting stronger and stronger everyday. He is no longer pressuring me about leaving sooner that I can. I just have a question that I need to ask and you guys tell me if I'm wrong for feeling the way that I do.


So, last Thursday night he did not come home and was really, really upset!! I know that we are going our separate ways but isn't there some level of respect? My daughter even realized that he din't come home. He comes in Friday night like he's the big man on campus. omg, i was furious but I kept my cool and never said anything. My daughter asked me if he said anything to me about where he'd been and I told her no. We were both blown away. I have to say though, that this anger has helped me out a lot. @3Xnocharm and @aine I have finally found my anger. There's no more cooking, cleaning or doing laundry for him. Conversations were very minimal and now there's none. I have turned into ice. And now he's trying everything in his power to get me to talk to him a little but i will not say a word and I come and go as I please without fear.


I'm almost where I need to be. Thank you Lord!! Am I wrong for feeling this way? Be honest.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Not at all. This is exactly where you need to be. I wouldn't ask him where he was, but I would say 'if you're not coming home for the evening, you need to let us know not to expect you while you're still here so your kids don't worry about you.'


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

This is great to read Tink, awesome job all around! And I agree with what Turnera said to tell him, its about respect while he is there, not keeping tabs.


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I tip my hat to you you're doing great!

You are not wrong in feeling the way you do. I echo what the others up thread have said.

Keep forging ahead. Thanks for updating us.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Keep that icy anger. It's very beneficial when you're going through this. And, no, there's no level of respect. Expect him to do more of this.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

tink2019 said:


> Hello all.
> 
> I have been following everyone's advice and I am getting stronger and stronger everyday. He is no longer pressuring me about leaving sooner that I can. I just have a question that I need to ask and you guys tell me if I'm wrong for feeling the way that I do.
> 
> ...


He is showing you who he really is. Stick to the 180, don't ask him anything. You are doing great. Detach, detach, detach. Go out often, do not tell him where you are either. Go for drinks with a girlfriend and stay over. He is trying to irk you and push all the boundaries. Do not let him. Start planning your exit strategy now. you should never have married him the second time, he is scum and showed you who he was then, he has not changed. Your life and your daughters life would be better without him.


----------



## tink2019 (May 7, 2019)

Hello all,

I just wanted to give an update on what was going on with me and I also need some help getting through this heartache.

So, my daughter and I are finally in our own place. We were forced out but we have our own now.

for a few months it was such torture staying there with him. we were barely talking to one another and he just became meaner and meaner because he knew that i was trying to save to leave. i tried to keep my mouth clothes as long as i could but i couldn't any more. with me not being intimate with him and not cooking and cleaning like i used to gave it all away. even though he was out doing what he wanted to do in addition to staying out all night, he still wanted me to cater to him. he started asking me when was i leaving because he needed me to get the [email protected] out now, and that i had to sleep downstairs with my daughter, all kinds of names he'd call me. omg it was he!! and i am giving you guys the clean version.

so, one day i decided to have a couple of my family members over to have some brunch. i started feeling really bad anxiety because i knew that he would be watching the cameras outside. I knew that if he saw the smallest smile on my face it would be he!! to pay. well my anxiety gave way and he came home and showed his a$$. i was leaving to go to the store and he called me back to the house. i went back and he asked me when was i leaving. i told him that i would be gone in 30 days. "no, i need you to get the [email protected] out now! you don't have 30 days", he said. i told him that i was not leaving and that he could not put me out and i started walking out. "if you don't leave now, i'm going to throw your sh!t out", he said. i told him that if he threw my things again i would call the police and i kept walking. my daughter calls me 10 minutes later and she tells me that he is throwing all of my things out. I get back to the house and my things were every where, it was like a mad house and he was still throwing things when i arrived. i called the police and they must have gotten there in 3 minutes. this story hurts so bad that i am tearing up while i'm typing.

the cops came and told him that he could not throw me out and that he had to go about it legally. he didn't care what they said. he was a mad man!! so they us again what the law was but one of us had to leave. i decided to just go and end the torture. i didnt speak to him for about a month and a half and finally reaches me with the help us his mom. He apologized to me and said that things was never supposed to go that far. I was supposed to just come back to the house, tell him that i was not leaving, get back in our bed and then everything would be alright. he was begging me to come back home but i would not.. however, i did go on a few dates with him and even agreed to go on a trip with him. the trip never happened. he purchased a new home for us and promised me that he would never utter the word "get out" again because he has learned his lesson.

so about 6 days into us speaking he started acting shady and stand off-ish because i was not moving fast enough for him and i was not reciprocating the way that he wanted. i called him out on his bs and stopped communication all together because he was treating me really mean. i blocked him in every way possible. i just don't understand how he can do what he has done to me and then get mad and angry because i'm not moving fast enough. now i'm here dealing with heartache all over again. why? i don't know. i mean, i know that we CANNOT, CANNOT be together but it still hurts soooooo bad. i can't seem to get over this. i don't act on my emotions though. i'm fighting the good fight and i have not heard from him. well, he can't get through anyway. please help me get passed this. this hurts!!


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I am sorry you are not here with a better update. But remember, you dont HAVE to understand WHY or HOW he does what he does.. you just have to understand that you must not tolerate what he does and how he treats you. I am so glad to read about you calling police on him. And, I hope this last episode of you trying yet again with this POS has proven that you must stay away and end this. Dont fall for his bull again, and get out ASAP.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why? Because he’s a control freak and he isn’t going to change. I’m going to be blunt. It still hurts this much because you allowed him back in your life when you should not have. You kept hoping he would be who you thought he was so you gave him another chance when you shouldn’t have. The only way — repeat, only way — to get over him is to completely go no contact. And mean it this time. really, really mean it. It’s going to take awhile but eventually you’ll be 100% free of him and his bull****. He won’t matter in the least. In the meantime, tell yourself every minute if necessary that the pain will soon be over. And believe it.


----------



## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Think. What exactly is so special about him? The way he treats you and your daughter? His loving kindness? The way he supports you? His faithfulness? He is never going to change, so do not expect it. He seems more like a bad habit to me. This is not a marriage for sure. You deserve so much better. To not set such s bad example for your daughter.


----------



## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

You have wasted more than enough of your life on this fool.

Stop giving him space in your head.


----------



## tink2019 (May 7, 2019)

sunsetmist said:


> Think. What exactly is so special about him? The way he treats you and your daughter? His loving kindness? The way he supports you? His faithfulness? He is never going to change, so do not expect it. He seems more like a bad habit to me. This is not a marriage for sure. You deserve so much better. To not set such s bad example for your daughter.


you're absolutely correct. i had to be strong enough to know that this was not good for my daughter to see. i'm strong enough to know that i cannot and will not return to him. i just can't stop thinking about this whole ordeal and how it went down. and beating myself up for even giving a chance to speak with me again.


----------



## tink2019 (May 7, 2019)

3Xnocharm said:


> I am sorry you are not here with a better update. But remember, you dont HAVE to understand WHY or HOW he does what he does.. you just have to understand that you must not tolerate what he does and how he treats you. I am so glad to read about you calling police on him. And, I hope this last episode of you trying yet again with this POS has proven that you must stay away and end this. Dont fall for his bull again, and get out ASAP.


definitely not falling for it again. being in my own place now helps me a lot. while staying with my friend i felt so depressed and vulnerable and i think it had a lot to do with why i entertained his bs yet again. 

i just got a call from a friend of mines telling me that he said that he will not ever try and reach out to me again because he's disgusted with me because he paid for a trip for us to go away and i did not go. and he purchased a house for us. uuuuum he purchased the home before we even started speaking again. and as far as the trip, i do feel bad about that, but what was i supposed to do? stay for the sake of a trip and let him crap on me all over again? i feel like what he has done to my daughter and i trumps anything that i could ever do to him. am i wrong for not going?


----------



## tink2019 (May 7, 2019)

Openminded said:


> Why? Because he’s a control freak and he isn’t going to change. I’m going to be blunt. It still hurts this much because you allowed him back in your life when you should not have. You kept hoping he would be who you thought he was so you gave him another chance when you shouldn’t have. The only way — repeat, only way — to get over him is to completely go no contact. And mean it this time. really, really mean it. It’s going to take awhile but eventually you’ll be 100% free of him and his bull****. He won’t matter in the least. In the meantime, tell yourself every minute if necessary that the pain will soon be over. And believe it.


right on!!


----------



## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Tink, this hurts because you are placing your expectations for fair treatment in a person who cannot recognize what this means... it's not that you don't care, you have compassion, it's that you understand that the effort is not the right one for loving yourself more and the only way to do that is to leave the things that are hurting you.

Be proud of yourself for standing tall to try to make it work, but more proud that you now know that it can never be healthy and it is time to choose a better path away from those who do not know your value.

Their loss, your awareness.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

tink2019 said:


> definitely not falling for it again. being in my own place now helps me a lot. while staying with my friend i felt so depressed and vulnerable and i think it had a lot to do with why i entertained his bs yet again.
> 
> i just got a call from a friend of mines telling me that he said that he will not ever try and reach out to me again because he's disgusted with me because he paid for a trip for us to go away and i did not go. and he purchased a house for us. uuuuum he purchased the home before we even started speaking again. and as far as the trip, i do feel bad about that, but what was i supposed to do? stay for the sake of a trip and let him crap on me all over again? i feel like what he has done to my daughter and i trumps anything that i could ever do to him. am i wrong for not going?


You did the right thing not going, and you know that house wasnt bought for you. Dont give a single thought to anything he has to say, let it slide right off your back, because he is now irrelevant in your life. The less attention you give him and his words, the better off you are.


----------



## tink2019 (May 7, 2019)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Tink, this hurts because you are placing your expectations for fair treatment in a person who cannot recognize what this means... it's not that you don't care, you have compassion, it's that you understand that the effort is not the right one for loving yourself more and the only way to do that is to leave the things that are hurting you.
> 
> Be proud of yourself for standing tall to try to make it work, but more proud that you now know that it can never be healthy and it is time to choose a better path away from those who do not know your value.
> 
> Their loss, your awareness.


yes, because i let waay too much get by me. i am really proud that i am strong enough to break the ties. thank you.


----------



## tink2019 (May 7, 2019)

3Xnocharm said:


> You did the right thing not going, and you know that house wasnt bought for you. Dont give a single thought to anything he has to say, let it slide right off your back, because he is now irrelevant in your life. The less attention you give him and his words, the better off you are.


thank you for this reply. I tell you, after speaking to her i almost slipped into a dark place. you're right, i did the right thing and i'm not thinking about anything he says going forward. in fact, i told her not to tell me anything else he has to say and i don't even want to know if she ran into him somewhere.


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

tink2019 said:


> thank you for this reply. I tell you, after speaking to her i almost slipped into a dark place. you're right, i did the right thing and i'm not thinking about anything he says going forward. in fact, i told her not to tell me anything else he has to say and i don't even want to know if she ran into him somewhere.


Good job!


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My husband is partner with a man who ONLY operates by trashing/blaming everyone else for everything. It's how he thinks he stays in control. Everything is ALWAYS my husband's fault; I frankly can't understand how he can stand to work with the man. But he is learning to speak up, now knowing that the man will always blame him. The man said this week "I can't trust you with anything" and my husband said "That's odd because the owner of one of the biggest builders in the city trusted me with his master keys to all his properties this last month while he was out of town and asked me to keep an eye on them for him." Crickets from the jerk.

Moral of the story: This isn't about you, it's about him. He'll never change, he has to blame, he has to use, it's how he gets what he wants. Until people wise up and dump him. You're not the first to dump him, you won't be the last. Consider yourself blessed to be rid of him.


----------



## tink2019 (May 7, 2019)

turnera said:


> My husband is partner with a man who ONLY operates by trashing/blaming everyone else for everything. It's how he thinks he stays in control. Everything is ALWAYS my husband's fault; I frankly can't understand how he can stand to work with the man. But he is learning to speak up, now knowing that the man will always blame him. The man said this week "I can't trust you with anything" and my husband said "That's odd because the owner of one of the biggest builders in the city trusted me with his master keys to all his properties this last month while he was out of town and asked me to keep an eye on them for him." Crickets from the jerk.
> 
> Moral of the story: This isn't about you, it's about him. He'll never change, he has to blame, he has to use, it's how he gets what he wants. Until people wise up and dump him. You're not the first to dump him, you won't be the last. Consider yourself blessed to be rid of him.


thank you! and i do feel truly blessed. i just wish there was some magic potion that takes him out of my brain lol. good news is, i sleep so peaceful at night.


----------

