# How To Tell My Husband I Want A Divorce



## DoneAndDoner (Jan 27, 2018)

My first post! And in a site where the most recent activity isn't from 2006!

So, my subject line is the basic question, but here's the background info. My husband is emotionally and verbally abusive, controlling and flies into fits of rage easily. We have two small children and a dog.

In the past, I've witnessed some violent behaviors, including ripping a shirt in half that my son was wearing at the time because he couldn't get it over his head while it was still buttoned, attempting to strangle one of his friends because he poured water on him, and putting the dog I the carrier and throwing the carrier across the room (and then saying "I tossed her like a rag doll.") He has also brought guns into the house against my protest.

These things all happened in the earlier part of our relationship/marriage, the most recent event happening about four years ago. His physical outrages have calmed down but he still goes into a verbal rage if we get into an argument. I believe he has narcissistic personality disorder or is a sociopath. I'm not at all qualified to make that judgment but his behaviors are in line with both disorders, especially NPD.

How do I tell someone like this that I want a divorce? We have talked about separation in the past but as an emotional response to an argument and after the storm, the topic is pretty much ignored. I've asked him to go to counseling but he refuses.

Any thoughts on an exit strategy? Thanks for your help!


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

Do you have any family nearby that you can move in with for a while? If there is some chance he will get violent it might be best to just take the kids and go and do it over the phone.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Don't tell him anything.

Go see a divorce lawyer and on the day he's served, move out all your stuff (bring 3 beefy guy friends to help) and move in with either family or get your own place.

If you're not sure what he's going to do, then just look at his past behavior. With his reactions, I'd personally just do everything possible behind the scenes.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

You cannot diagnose.

Your husband does not need to have some fancy named issue to be an abuser. He can just be a violent person. Not every violent person has some disorder. But they can still be dangerous. He obviously has anger management issues. He probably would be happy to abuse you.

Have another adult with you at all times, from the moment you tell your husband you want a divorce. Abusers seldom do anything in the presence of others.

Strength in numbers. Always have an adult friend with you.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Note, even with an abuser you will have to share custody of the children. When you exchange the children you should always have a friend with you, for instance. 

Personally I recommend you do find a way to live with family, somehow. Living on your own is inviting your husband to come over and break in. We had my wife's sister come live with us to get away from her ex, who abused her. In fact he had been jailed for breaking her cheek bones earlier, so was known to the police as an abuser.

Don't allow yourself to be alone, that is your best insurance. We adhered to that, and her ex never tried anything. She swapped the children with some relative with her. Sometimes just her and my wife and the children. Any other adult worked.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I just want to reiterate what others have told you. Serve him with papers, get your stuff out while he's at work the day theyre delivered, stay at all times with family.

Your husband sounds pretty out of control and a little crazy. When one's wife divorces him, it will make him a LOT crazy, and bring emotions that even a normal man would find hard to control. 

You should probably leave a letter explaining why you're divorcing him, why you fear him, why you did it in a sneaky way, and explain to him you're never going to change your mind, and that you don't want to have a situation where he's causing you drama and acting crazy. People do really crazy stuff when they're in pain.

Question: if he's gotten better on a lot of his anger stuff, why are you wanting a divorce now? Is all the love gone?
Is there nothing he could do to possibly fix this?

I'm just saying, because if you've never sat him down when you were both calm and told him if he doesn't fix xyz, that you will divorce him, then I think you're a little in the wrong, too. It sucks to be blindsided by your wife divorcing you..... projection here on my part....


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

Lawyer up first. Follow your lawyer's advice on this. Be careful about your safety and the safety of your children. Tell a few people that you trust so that they can keep an eye on you.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

FalCod said:


> Lawyer up first. Follow your lawyer's advice on this. Be careful about your safety and the safety of your children. Tell a few people that you trust so that they can keep an eye on you.


This.

You will want to document his behavior for child custody. Also, you will need all of the important documents. Birth certificates, passports, bank accounts, investment accounts, retirement accounts, one of his pay stubs, tax returns, medical records, marriage certificate, social security cards. Keep the originals of anything related to you or the kids. Make copies of everything related to him. Talk to your atty about all of this. I would get a copy of his credit report (talk to your atty).

I would seek assistance from a professional knowledgeable in dealing with abusive people.

Look up the "Gray Rock" method of dealing with abusers.


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## DoneAndDoner (Jan 27, 2018)

Thanks, everyone, for the advice. Everything you've suggested is part of some exit plan or another. In trying to keep my original post as short as possible, but to respond to some of your comments, I do have a lawyer on retainer. I understand a lot of my rights as a parent and safeguards I can put into place to protect my children (and myself). I have figured out how to divide our property in a way that I think he won't challenge my proposal. My brother lives down the street and he is aware that I will be filing. And I have three semi-beefy guys on standby to be around if necessary.

The additional burden I've placed on myself is that I'm clearly someone who does all of her (and everyone else's) research...only to be overwhelmed and paralyzed by the information. To the person who said not to diagnose, I appreciate the reminder that someone can be violent without needing to be labeled by the DSM. I sometimes question if I'm being hysterical in my head and creating exaggerated scenarios about my husband's potential. The things I mentioned did actually happen; those I did not make up.

And to answer another person's question about why now and have I talked about this before, well, I've been wanting out for a long time, but things are generally manageable. And I'd been sticking it out "for the kids," of course. Again, without getting into too many details, most days, I am just bothered by us having very different values. That's the primary reason I want to end the marriage. The fact that he's exhibited violent behavior in the past is what makes me hesitate, for reasons of fear. The topic of separation has come up twice in the last three years. Both times were in the midst of arguments so I think we both felt like we were haphazard in our words. It's clear, however, that neither of us are happy in this marriage and it's something we both want. I believe we care for each other as we would for a sibling, but not a romantic partner, and the one value we do share and place at the top of our priority list is family. 

My husband says he doesn't believe in divorce, but one of his closest friends just separated from his wife, and I think this event has given my husband a different perspective. The second time separation was mentioned, he was the one who brought it up, about two months after his friend separated. This is why I think we may actually be able to have a conversation. I fear that taking the kids and leaving would actually cause him to be more enraged than if I had tried to talk to him about it. And I don't completely trust the legal systems in place to be able to protect me and my kids in a situation where we just leave.

Anyway, sorry for the long post. But I am hoping that with some additional details, someone out there might empathize with the challenges I'm facing, whether it's fear or confusion, and would be willing to share their experiences too. I've been trying to build up the courage to actually file, and I'm about 75% there. Thanks, again, everyone for your insights.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

All my love and best wishes. I'm so sorry.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Prone to fits of rage + new guns in house = get you and your kids out of there now!

Go stay with family while you safely plan and execute your exit strategy.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

People who stay for their children (and I was one who did) don't realize the message their children are internalizing. It's not a good one. My adult child told me years ago it would have been better for both of us had I gotten out when I first considered it and not waited. We both ended up damaged. Not what you want to do for your child for sure.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Rhubarb said:


> Do you have any family nearby that you can move in with for a while? If there is some chance he will get violent it might be best to just take the kids and go and do it over the phone.


and take the dog, do NOT leave the dog who he has already abused:-(


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

DoneAndDoner said:


> <snip> To the person who said not to diagnose, I appreciate the reminder that someone can be violent without needing to be labeled by the DSM. I sometimes question if I'm being hysterical in my head and creating exaggerated scenarios about my husband's potential. The things I mentioned did actually happen; those I did not make up.
> 
> <snip>


I do wish you well on this journey.

I do not doubt those things happened. I did not say anything regarding the truth of events.

They are examples of poor anger management. I think your husband is likely to abuse you if he gets the chance.

None of that has a bearing on arm chair diagnosis of mental illness. 

I sometimes call my wife crazy. She has been diagnosed with a mental illness, and we have dealt with psychiatrists for years. It is still very unkind of me to call her crazy. Posting here is teaching me to be a bit more kind. I am learning to call her different.

You can call your husband anything you want and it won't matter, but it might. If you say he is crazy without having a psychiatric diagnosis to fall back on to justify your statement you may find you need to justify your statement in court before a judge during a custody battle.

I advise you to be careful what words you use.

My advice is do not practice arm chair psychology. This is not because I do not believe you about his behaviors. It is because as soon as you start doing that you open the possibility for the other side to challenge your competency in that area. You do not want that.


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## DoneAndDoner (Jan 27, 2018)

WilliamM said:


> My advice is do not practice arm chair psychology. This is not because I do not believe you about his behaviors. It is because as soon as you start doing that you open the possibility for the other side to challenge your competency in that area. You do not want that.


Thank you, again, for pointing this out. I had been searching for years for a reason to blame my husband for our failures and his behavior seemed like the golden ticket when I could finally give it a name. I have let go of this way of thinking and just believe that we are not compatible for a number of reasons, many of which will have long-term negative effects on our kids, as one other person had mentioned.

In my original post, I suppose I just wanted to paint a picture of our relationship in a succinct way. But was not being that thoughtful with my words. I have never suggested to my husband that he has mental health issues and have only used the terminology with a couple of my closest friends to describe what I was experiencing, at times because they couldn't really believe a person could behave this way, but I do appreciate your thoughts on the potential dangers of using there terms loosely. I've practiced a lot of compassion with my husband, but he still exhibits behaviors that are non-negotiable, and that, to me, is enough to proceed with divorce.

Also, by no means was I implying that you did not believe my stories regarding his rage. I was merely thinking out loud, perhaps using this forum as a way to vent and organize my thoughts, reminding myself that those events are not to be forgotten as I move forward in this process.

Everyone's words here have been incredibly helpful, giving me a bit more hope that I do not have to be stuck in this marriage. Thank you, all.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

DoneAndDoner said:


> I sometimes question if I'm being hysterical in my head and creating exaggerated scenarios about my husband's potential. The things I mentioned did actually happen; those I did not make up.


This happens because you cannot be objective while in the toxic environment. Once you get out and finally introspect safely, you'll have a very different opinion. You'll realize that you were not crazy.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Your husband is violent. He abused the family pet. He has assaulted someone for trivial reasons.

Those are good enough reasons for you to fear him.

Abuse is more than a good enough reason for divorce. You don't need to know anything more. You don't need to substantiate anything more than what he did to your family pet to feel justified.

After he did that to your pet he might do it to you next. He probably did it as a warning to you. Any reasonable person would think that.

That is plenty of reason to divorce him.

Then you have him bringing guns into the house after you have voiced your wish that he not do so. He does not care about your desires on this matter.

Just those few facts are more than enough. You should never have to fear your husband. As soon as he struck fear in your heart, it is done. You need to get out.

The fact you think being afraid of him from time to time is not adequate reason to leave him speaks to how your fear has gripped your soul.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

WilliamM said:


> Note, even with an abuser you will have to share custody of the children. When you exchange the children you should always have a friend with you, for instance.
> 
> Personally I recommend you do find a way to live with family, somehow. Living on your own is inviting your husband to come over and break in. We had my wife's sister come live with us to get away from her ex, who abused her. In fact he had been jailed for breaking her cheek bones earlier, so was known to the police as an abuser.
> 
> Don't allow yourself to be alone, that is your best insurance. We adhered to that, and her ex never tried anything. She swapped the children with some relative with her. Sometimes just her and my wife and the children. Any other adult worked.


If he had been abusive to the children then access can be limited by court order.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Yes

Thank you for the advice 

In my sister in law’s case she said he wasn’t. 

But every person should be aware of the need to look out for this, document, and use the court to help protect the children.


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## DoneAndDoner (Jan 27, 2018)

Not sure if this should be a different thread, (I tried posting in another forum but received no replies) but if anyone has thoughts about what and how to document his behaviors so I can protect my kids within reason -- basically, what is worth documenting, when a lot of the regular "negligence" ranges from emotional unavailability and poor decision making to short tempered reactions and outdated parenting techniques -- please let me know! The more extreme behavior I have already documented as best as I can with photos, videos or narrative and emailing them to myself as they happen. I'm trying to understand what happens when the courts get involved in determining custody if we cannot agree on the terms, before I actually file. Thanks!


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## DoneAndDoner (Jan 27, 2018)

Thor said:


> Look up the "Gray Rock" method of dealing with abusers.


Thanks for this recommendation, by the way. I had never heard of this before, but I think I have been practicing this for the past few years. I find myself barely responding to my husband any more and I even blink more slowly in his presence! I always assumed it was because I felt so worn down. That's probably part of it but I never considered that I have become "boring to play with." There is certainly less drama in the house, but I have also come to realize the expense it's costing me to have it this way.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Get the paperwork going with a good family law attorney first.

Then while your husband is away, move your family and their belongings in with other family members ASAP!

Then let your husbands legal service and possibly restraining order serve notice to him that you are not to bothered by his presence!*


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