# Dissatisfied



## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

I posted this in the men's section and got no reply, so maybe I will here. 

There is a saying "its in his kiss". Well in the lovemaking dept.there is none, no kiss. What used to be a fiery, passionate sexual relationship has been reduced to him asking me to give him a HJ, or a BJ, of which I sometimes give in to, but I am feeling like "is this what it's come down to?" It doesn't feel good...almost feels cheap...based on lust, not love.

I am missing the intimacy and romance. Kissing to me is the biggest turn on, and he doesn't seem to want to. Lovemaking can be so beautiful but I don't know what it's even like anymore. Should I just refuse to have contact and talk to him about why?

Does this mean the marriage has lost it's flame? We have a relationship that is calm and sharing of ideas, working together to put our daughter through college, etc. I am feeling like it's a marriage of convenience...or is this normal when couples get older? I tend to think not..that it doesn't have to be this way.

We have been together 30+ years...been thru hell an back together. He has strayed, I have not.

I think if I deny him sex, maybe he'll think about it...but I don't believe passion is something one can force. I do know sex for me, and maybe for many women is about the dance and the excitement, and about the tenderness...not about "servicing" him...which is what I feel like it is.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

You mentioned he strayed, when was this? Do you feel his lack of affection, like kissing and having passion started around the time that happened?


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## Regga (Jan 22, 2013)

Talk to him. He needs to hear that you are not satisfied.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

I agree with Regga. As hard as it is, you need to tell him how dissatisfied you are. You have nothing to lose except feeling real nervous about having the conversation. It does sound cheap that he has to ask you for a HJ and BJ and you comply. This comes out of the blue with no foreplay at all? Is there any reciprocation? For every HJ and BJ you give him, how often do you get something in return? Is it always all about him?

I do think you should sort of do what you said - refuse to have contact and tell him why. Re: the "refuse to have contact" part, I think it should be more like refusing to continue on what you've been doing - HJ and BJ upon request. However, you will be happy to have contact if it's more like you're idea of lovemaking. You're changing the rules and now this is how you want it.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

30 years is a long time. Passion wanes over time. Passion needs to be reintroduced every so often, in my opinion. I would suggest NOT denying sex, but talk to him about how you feel. You're not a sex-bot. You have feelings that need to be tended to. Again, that needs to be talked about openly and freely without fear of saying how you truly feel.


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## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

Calla, Yes it seemed to start about that time. That was 5 years ago, but then 1 year ago I caught him in contact with her again after I made it very clear he was never to talk to her again. (she's in China) We came the closest we have ever been to divorce then but that's another story.

Foreplay? No...to me kissing is wonderful foreplay. Reciprocate? No...maybe once in every few years...He will touch my breast and in some way that when we are doing it, he will wait for me to "do my thing"...but that's it. Maybe it's just too easy for him.

I have told him this in an email that I thought it was having sex,and not making love and I felt it was all about him and his needs, not mine. Then he'll be more considerate or try for awhile and then go back to his old ways.

Thanks for the advice ladies...helpful. Maybe I just have to draw a healthy boundary. The last time he asked for a HJ I didn't reciprocate because it turned me off.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

It is possible that he is no more satisfied with your intimacy than you are. Its true, men do need to have a physical release but most of us "feel love" from our woman through physical intimacy. The challenge is getting the couple to agree on the need to bring about change and then to get both supporting those changes. 

The first step I would recommend is to stop the HJ/BJ and make it a goal to always get to PIV and have him ejaculate into you. Also, make sure that you are having frequent O's with him. His semen, and experiencing O together creates pair bonding and predictable chemical releases in the brain. That "glow" seems to last for 2-3 days from my experience. If you "fake it til you make it", you might find it easier to introduce more kissing, eye contact, guiding his hands onto you, verbally encouraging him...passion

We have been married 27 years and I can assure you these kinds of changes are not easy. They are possible and if your husband is anything like my wife he will thank you for taking your marriage to a deeper, richer place. Try to find a non-threatening communication approach that points to positive improvement without ever criticizing him. It took a year and a half to get my wife to make love TO me and she received lots of texts and notes about how hot she was. These are delicate matters that require each to take risks which can happen with a supportive partner. Progress will come in fits and starts...two steps forward, one step back and that's OK. You don't have to be "fixed" to find satisfaction, just moving forward.


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## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

Thanks to you both...I can say AM2013 I HAVE gotten into it and enjoyed giving him oral...for many years and I can say I have been very good...he's told me so. I have tried different things but it's just gotten down to me doing him, period. He used to LOVE to do the same to me and I have to say he was awesome..the BEST! But hasn't done it in 3 years. He tried recently and started coughing...and I am clean..but it makes me feel undesirable and insecure. 

I think he doesn't feel that great physically, is stressed out, doesn't take care of his mouth (like brushing teeth) doesn't sleep well most of the time an so has gotten lazy and I just feed into that by continuing to "give" which is my nature. His excuse in the past for not kissing me was his mouth hurts because he doesn't brush...yet he can eat a steak...? It makes me cry to talk about it.

Cre8ify you hit on the mark I think that the spiritual connection is missing in the marriage. I think due to recent repercussions from almost getting divorced, that he is insecure in trusting me and visa versa. How can you be close to someone in intimacy if there is no trust? We are getting better but it's a slow process. He still lies to me about checking this and that (finances)...doesn't talk about the mistrust. I have never cheated, but caught him so I withdrew funds from the bank to proceed with divorce, and he is still traumatized by it I think.

I am whole hardheartedly into the marriage and completely honest about everything...he is not. He takes my bank statements and then denies it. I know you will recommend counseling...and he promised to go with me after the near divorce a year ago, but now he isn't ...he avoids the question. Thanks for the tips...we rarely look into each others eyes while having sex...to the point that I am shy about it myself....and I have always been a direct eye-contact person.

I will take your advice in...thank you!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

cao428 said:


> Thanks to you both...I can say AM2013 I HAVE gotten into it and enjoyed giving him oral...for many years and I can say I have been very good...he's told me so. I have tried different things but it's just gotten down to me doing him, period. He used to LOVE to do the same to me and I have to say he was awesome..the BEST! But hasn't done it in 3 years. He tried recently and started coughing...and I am clean..but it makes me feel undesirable and insecure.
> 
> I think he doesn't feel that great physically, is stressed out, doesn't take care of his mouth (like brushing teeth) doesn't sleep well most of the time an so has gotten lazy and I just feed into that by continuing to "give" which is my nature. His excuse in the past for not kissing me was his mouth hurts because he doesn't brush...yet he can eat a steak...? It makes me cry to talk about it.
> 
> ...



OMG that's my marriage! Happy to report we just got back from a weekend away during which he had loud raunchy sex and sweet passionate love making, not to mention some kinky role playing involving a crop and a swing.

So how di we get from where you are to where we are today?

Lots of talks, tears, threats, feedback, more talks, more attempts. I brush my teeth in front of him so he knows I want him to go brush as well. Once he started doing this, he began to kiss me again. We shower together. There are lots of other things too but I wanted to mention this one last thing.

I stopped giving him BJ's to completion. I felt the same way you did, like he just wanted his own pleasure, wasn't interested in mine, or wasn't interested in me at all. 

Don't throw this all at hime at once. Start with something less threatening, like kissing. Tell him to go brush so he can come back and kiss you until you're writhing and thrashing.

Think dating. You start with kissing and move on from there.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

It sounds to me like your husband won't be able to offer you the love you need until he truly loves himself. Not managing stress/poor personal hygiene/insomnia/laziness are symptoms of depression and someone who may have lost their way. Would he have any interest in a program of self improvement?


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Who is this age doesn't floss and brush regularly? If my partner didn't I probably wouldn't be kissing her either. The rotting food stuck between the teeth smell is an ultimate turn off. 

From your description your husband doesn't do anything for anyone, including himself. He waits for you to do things for him. It will be painful and your marriage may not survive it but I really think if you want things to change you need to stop enabling him. He needs to learn to take responsibility for himself.


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