# Finally got H to go to counselor over the LD issue......it was a disaster



## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

I had been seeing the counselor by myself for several sessions. He finally agreed to go with me after a HUGE blowup over the weekend (I won't go into it, but basically we had an informal agreement that we would be together once a week - well, if it didn't happen over the weekend, odds are it would be ANOTHER week to wait, which I wasn't happy about......and it didn't happen that weekend). I admit, I kind of lost it because my frustration level had been so high over this SAME issue that has been recurring at different points during our 23 yr. marriage. I won't go into all of my back story but have only posted once so if anyone wants to read it, it will be easy to find .

Anyways, he has no issue with the counselor herself - just said he wasn't prepared to answer questions, thought it was going to be more about me, and that it truly was ME with the problem so he isn't sure WHY he is there. He basically thought he could come for one session just for her to hear his side and to meet him, then it would be back to ME going trying to figure out MY problem. He says it 'isn't him' to talk about feelings, emotions, etc. and that if I am not happy, it's up to ME to figure it out (which is why I was there...........the counselor said we BOTH need to be involved, which is why I asked HIM there).

I am not sure what I am even asking or what kind of responses I am looking for. I guess I am confused because I had some false notion in my mind that we would go to this one visit and miraculously, some epiphany would occur with him and the issue would be solved (which I KNOW is not reality), I guess I just wonder if this is the norm for someone who has never been to a counselor and really is an introvert................do I just give it more time and beg him to go back OR is his reaction more of someone who really just doesn't care?

I am rambling, but still upset that it seems like it made things WORSE by going together instead of helping


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Would your SO feel less threatened by reading something like the 5 love languages? Maybe something to break the ice? Seeing your partner's needs listed in order sometimes helps. 

Face to face might have been a little overwhelming at first.

Not saying your needs aren't important.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I'm an introvert and I love counseling because it actually helps me draw out my feelings.

I think your H just does not care .


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> Would your SO feel less threatened by reading something like the 5 love languages? Maybe something to break the ice? Seeing your partner's needs listed in order sometimes helps.
> 
> Face to face might have been a little overwhelming at first.
> 
> Not saying your needs aren't important.


Yes, Frazzled.........I have actually read this book and quoted it so many times he zones out when I mention it. He refused to read it, but I did get him to read the chapter that outlined the languages and told him which ones were mine and which ones I THOUGHT were his. Of course he didn't buy into ANY of it and told me he didn't need a book on how to live his life. Honestly, this is the best book I had read in a long time (in terms of self-help). I learned WHY I feel so ignored sometimes when he proclaims that he loves me (he just isn't speaking my languages, which are affirmations and physical touch). He says that just 'isn't him' to act that way and then proceeds to ask me if I want him to be HIM or someone that he is not? We have fought about this off and on for years. He got a pass during those early child years because we were both too tired to focus on anything else. Now that they are old enough to take care of their own basic needs and are starting to develop their own lives, we both have more energy and time and I am reverting back to how it 'used to be'.........which was pretty decent. Him? He has become content with once every other week and if I'm lucky, once a week. He totally dissed the love languages, though I 100% think it is very much on target.


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I'm an introvert and I love counseling because it actually helps me draw out my feelings.
> 
> I think your H just does not care .


He says he does and says he loves me more than anything. We are just at an impasse with this. And if we can't TALK about it, all covering it up does is just make me more angry and resentful. I don't know what to do. I just though counseling was THE solution


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Well his actions suggest he doesn't and there are no consequences so why should he?

And his question is valid. Why would you want to beg for sex from someone who's not interested? Just seems demeaning to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

How did the counselor handle the session and what was her take on it?

Has he refused to go back?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> Well his actions suggest he doesn't and there are no consequences so why should he?
> 
> And his question is valid. Why would you want to beg for sex from someone who's not interested? Just seems demeaning to me.


I agree with this. 

He has made it clear that he sees no reason to change. He sees no reason to do things that please you. He does not want much sex with you.

There is not much of anything you can do to change him. You can change yourself. So put the focus on yourself.

What are the things that he thinks that he is doing that show his love for you?

Have you read "Divorce Busting"? It think you would benefit from it. It's not a book to suggest to him.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

LilMissSunshine said:


> Yes, Frazzled.........I have actually read this book and quoted it so many times he zones out when I mention it. He refused to read it, but I did get him to read the chapter that outlined the languages and told him which ones were mine and which ones I THOUGHT were his. Of course he didn't buy into ANY of it and told me he didn't need a book on how to live his life. Honestly, this is the best book I had read in a long time (in terms of self-help). I learned WHY I feel so ignored sometimes when he proclaims that he loves me (he just isn't speaking my languages, which are affirmations and physical touch). He says that just 'isn't him' to act that way and then proceeds to ask me if I want him to be HIM or someone that he is not? We have fought about this off and on for years. He got a pass during those early child years because we were both too tired to focus on anything else. Now that they are old enough to take care of their own basic needs and are starting to develop their own lives, we both have more energy and time and I am reverting back to how it 'used to be'.........which was pretty decent. Him? He has become content with once every other week and if I'm lucky, once a week. He totally dissed the love languages, though I 100% think it is very much on target.


Sorry to hear that he dismissed the book. As others have mentioned, you may have to shake the tree.. I know in my marriage, it wasn't until I said I had spoken to an attorney, that my wife took me seriously.  It's a painful, difficult place to be.


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## OnAnIsland (Oct 3, 2014)

LilMissSunshine said:


> He says he does and says he loves me more than anything. We are just at an impasse with this. And if we can't TALK about it, all covering it up does is just make me more angry and resentful. I don't know what to do. I just though counseling was THE solution


I feel for you. Your situation is similar to mine, your frustration is understood. I am currently researching/shopping marriage counselors and sex therapists with the hope that there's some breakthrough in communication for us. I fear exactly what you've gone through... the refusal of my wife to own her actions and openly discuss her feelings and wants/needs. 

You went to counseling because you thought your marriage was worth working on. You thought that the status quo was unacceptable and that things could be much better given some mutual honesty and effort. Counseling could be_ the solution _, but only if your husband approaches it with the same idea.

This notion, of which I am familiar, that _you aren't happy so clearly the problem is yours and the solution needs to be yours_ is borderline insane. If your husband's superior at work sat him down and listed reasons his performance and attitude on the job were unacceptable, would he respond the same way? 'That's clearly your problem, boss. You work on it.'

You obviously want to your marriage to improve, so keep at it and I wish you well... but I'd begin to make it clear to him that he's going to lose you if his attitude remains the same. My W was flatly refusing the idea of MC and having to 'answer questions' until the D word crept into conversations. Like you, I'm hoping for some epiphany but don't realistically expect one.

Just make sure he understands that leaving the situation completely in your hands may result in decisions and outcomes he doesn't like. When someone makes it clear its 'my way or the highway'... it's time to gas up the car and plan for a trip.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You are about where I was in my marriage when I decided I'd had enough, so I left. You may not be ready to give up, though, but I suspect that eventually you'll reach the same point I did. Will you leave if nothing improves, or just check out?


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

mary35 said:


> How did the counselor handle the session and what was her take on it?
> 
> Has he refused to go back?


Mary35, he didn't refuse to go back, but was so grumpy and disengaged with me the rest of the afternoon I questioned whether *I* wanted him to go back. <<<<<<<Sigh>>>>>>. He did approach me later in the day and told me he was sorry, that he was just trying to process everything and just wasn't prepared to be asked questions. Said he has never been comfortable talking about feelings much less with someone he didn't know and that he was just thrown off guard. Now that he has cooled off, I'll be o.k. with him going back, I think. He didn't refuse, and the plan is for him to go...............but had he not at least apologized and explained, I would have been asking myself if I really wanted to put MYSELF through that.


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> I agree with this.
> 
> He has made it clear that he sees no reason to change. He sees no reason to do things that please you. He does not want much sex with you.
> 
> ...



Well, his 'language' is acts of service..........he does a lot of nice things for me and actually is just a very nice guy in general. He will clean up after himself, help me with cleaning the house, bring me something special from the store without me expecting it, does great with holidays, bdays, etc. I think THAT is how he shows love- which is GREAT, it's just not my primary language. I have NOT read that book............but will check it out! Why just me and not him reading it???


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

OnAnIsland said:


> This notion, of which I am familiar, that _you aren't happy so clearly the problem is yours and the solution needs to be yours_ is borderline insane. If your husband's superior at work sat him down and listed reasons his performance and attitude on the job were unacceptable, would he respond the same way? 'That's clearly your problem, boss. You work on it.'
> 
> QUOTE]
> 
> YES! I feel the same way. If I knew he was that unhappy about something, well, it becomes MY problem too, you know? I think I did manage to get him to see that point at least once during that session, so maybe it will just take some time. BTW, the one time I mentioned the "D" word, he hauled me in front of the kids and said very loudly "OK, you tell them what your plan is"........to which a HUGE scene with crying from both of them ensued...........I've never brought it up again since ((( Made me mad he involved them.


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

Married but Happy said:


> You are about where I was in my marriage when I decided I'd had enough, so I left. You may not be ready to give up, though, but I suspect that eventually you'll reach the same point I did. Will you leave if nothing improves, or just check out?


Well, we have two kids. Youngest is 12. I will stick it out until the nest is empty. At that point, I will re-evaluate. He may see it more clearly then once it is just me and him and HE might not like the way things are going because there will be nothing left to fill his time, since it will be just me and him. He IS a great dad - and spends a lot of time with the kids, a lot with his hobbies, and with work. I think he will probably just replace the kid time with more hobby and work, but I'm hoping I might be WRONG. I feel bad for asking for his time sometimes, you know? He does work hard and deserves to enjoy himself, AND he IS a great and hands-on dad, but WE deserve a relationship too, you know? I guess the hard part is HOW to keep myself sane the next 6 years?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

LilMissSunshine said:


> Well, his 'language' is acts of service..........he does a lot of nice things for me and actually is just a very nice guy in general. He will clean up after himself, help me with cleaning the house, bring me something special from the store without me expecting it, does great with holidays, bdays, etc. I think THAT is how he shows love- which is GREAT, it's just not my primary language. I have NOT read that book............but will check it out! Why just me and not him reading it???



Part of being a good partner is filling the needs your partner has, not just reciprocating your own needs. 

Imagine if wives cut off sex but cooked dinner every night, then when hubby proclaimed his unhappiness with lack of sex she could inform him that she shows love through cooking, not sex. Married men would lose their minds and rightly so.

The fact that he's not interested in filling YOUR needs as opposed to reciprocating his needs makes him selfish. You need to decide what you can live with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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