# Need help.... can't stand my husband's kids



## sfj

I am desperate for advice on how to let go of the anger and resentment I have for my husband's kids from his first marriage. We have been married 13 years and his kids are 17 and 19. For many years I bent over backwards trying to make our "blended family" work and time and time again I was treated like crap, ignored, etc... their mother hated my guts from day one and since she had custody of the kids I always felt her influence with them. How do you build a relationship when your mere existence is hated?? It's as though I was blamed for the demise of their marriage when in reality I had nothing to do with it and came into the picture when they were already divorced.

Through the years it has only gotten worse. They moved when they were young so our visits became less frequent. That made it even more difficult for me to "bond". Now that they are older teens I really don't want anything more to do with them. We recently moved to a new house and they want to "visit their dad". This would involve staying for several days. The thought of them invading my space makes me cringe. I don't trust them or like them.... how could I when they hate me??

I love my husband and it really depresses me to have such a crappy relationship with his kids. It's more like a non-existent relationship. Bottom line is I don't want them in my home, yet this is also my husbands home so I feel like I have no choice.

How can I get over this? I don't like feeling this way about anyone let alone my husbands kids. I should probably add that my husband isn't all that close to them himself. They have treated him like crap many times in the past also. The difference is they have BIO-BONDS which makes everything much more forgiving. 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Sarah


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## gonefishin

Always remember you are the adult and you need to take the high road.

Put yourself in thier shoes their lives were tipped upside down by their father. What caused the failure of your husbands first marriage?

As these kids get a little older there will be an appropriate time when you and your husband will need to speak with them as a family. Let them know that when they are in your home you require mutual respect. If they are not interested in mutual respect their dad, your husband needs to stand by your side.


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## sfj

Thanks for responding. When you say I am the adult what does that mean when the kids are adult age too? I'm not talking about little kids here that require care. When they were young I took good care of them, but they still resented me. That seems to be the nightmare of being a stepmother.... it's a thankless job and you are resented just because you are married to their father and you are not their mother.

The divorce was not my husbands fault. It sure as heck wasn't MY fault, so why do I get the resentment? By the way they aren't openly rude to me, just very passive aggressive and dismissive. They interact with their dad and act like I am not there.

I have no desire to stop my husband from seeing them, I just don't want to be subject to them anymore at all. I've had my fill. I can't see having a "family" talk because these kids don't see me as family at all! There comes a point when you stop trying to make somebody like you, accept you.... and I reached that point about two years ago.

I'm at a loss and don't even know what taking the high road means at this point.


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## gonefishin

I said adult, because I do not think your teenage "step children" are acting like adults. Second at the end of the day you are the authority figure, it is your home along with husbands. Moreover, I think as these kids get older and mature a bit they will understand how important you are to their father.

Does your husband know about this?


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## CandieGirl

Hi SFJ,

Sounds like my husband's kids! The difference is that they are aged 13 and 15, and I've only met them once. Visits are very infrequent, because they live on the opposite coast.

When I read that the kids interact with their father, and treat you like you're not even there, boy, did it ever ring a bell. I went through the same thing when his kids visited us for the month of August last summer. It was a loooooong month.

His kids pissed and moaned their way through the entire month, only perking up when it was time to be taken somewhere to have money spent on them. It was unpleasant for all of us in the household, but I chose to hang back in the shadows. Maybe you can do the same thing when your husband's kids come to visit. Keep on telling yourself that it's temporary (and it is), and that your life will be back to normal when they're gone back home.

Your stepkids are almost adults; there isn't much you can do at this point to form any type of bond, but what you can do is simply co-exist. If they're not openly rude to you, consider that a bonus, and if they ever are, bring it up to their father to handle. Don't hide away, or make yourself overly scarce, but don't hang with them the whole time either. Maybe when they see that they aren't 'getting to you', they'll soften up a little?

It IS a thankless job; taking the high road means to just let it all go, and remember that the way they are behaving, is a direct reflection on their bio-mom, who they were raised by, since she had full custody...


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## tacoma

Disengage...

Disengaging Essay - Stepfamily Help Page



> Now it's time to disengage.
> 
> In order to successfully disengage, you have to accept some realities. They are:
> 
> 1. Your SKs are not your children.
> 
> 2. You are not responsible for overcoming their previous "raising."
> 
> 3. You are not responsible for what kind of people they are.
> 
> 4. You are not responsible for what kind of people they become.
> 
> 5. You are not obligated to become an abused member of the household just because you married their dad.
> 
> 6. You are not responsible for raising your SKs.
> 
> 7. All the responsibility belongs to your DH.
> 
> 8. Your DH is not a mother.
> 
> 9. Your DH is not going to raise his children the way you want him to.
> 
> 10. Your SKs are not going to turn out the way they would if DH supported you.
> 
> What all this means is this: You must stop parenting your SKs. You must stop telling them what is expected of them. You must stop disciplining them. You must turn over all responsibility for them to your DH. You must allow DH to make whatever mistakes he makes.


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## althea

First, disregard every single person who tells you unhelpful things such as:

- you knew he had kids when you got married
- you are the adult and they are the innocent victim of divorce
- something is wrong with you if you can't bond with a child

Second, please get your hands on the book Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin. I promise you it will make a profound difference in your life. It will help you realize you are normal, realize you are not alone, put these feelings and behaviors into descriptive terms so that you can discuss them reasonably with your husband, give you insight into why everyone is acting the way they are, and therefore help you on your way to solutions or coping mechanisms (one of which can be "disengagement" as mentioned in the post above). PLEASE do not blow this off as an idle suggestion. It will be a turning point.


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## sfj

Thanks for the responses, and althea I just went to amazon and read the reviews for the book you mentioned. The reviews alone felt like therapy to me! Needless to say I ordered the book. Thank you so much for the recommendation.

I have another "dynamic" going on that I hope will be mentioned in the book. It's my mother in law. She is a big reason I have had so much guilt over my step kids. She is far worse than my husband when it comes to expectations on me with her precious grandchildren. Then she wonders why I have backed away from her. Women can be vicious to other women. I get a completely different vibe from my father in law. 

My husband, thank God, is supportive of me. We have a great friendship within our relationship so he does try to be mindful of my feelings. He told his kids to wait until their next break to visit us at our new home, so that will be later Spring as opposed to this month. I was relieved that I could nest in our new home without the immediate invasion. Hopefully by then I will have a healthier attitude and be happier to share MY space with them.


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## Bobby5000

I am a father and married a woman with children. We had one child and I try to love them all the same, though there can be different dynamics. 

The steparent should not be the primary person providing discipline. Loving your stepchildren should be a given. Sometimes you may not "like" them. 

My older step-son is now 30, earns about 160,000 per year, and a house valued at about 700,000, and a lovely family. While he was growing up, we got calls from police, a couple of incidents with alcohol, he told a coach to Fu, and engaged in a variety of other endeavors. You can only evaluate kids once they turn at least 25; most kids are tough from 14-18. 

Some of the comments are strange. "His kids pissed and moaned their way through the entire month, only perking up when it was time to be taken somewhere to have money spent on them." 
Are women any different? Tell your girlfriend that you have a great Saturday night planned watching tv and watch her pout. Of course kids like to be taken places. Again, if you have step-kids and you are the step-parent and you want this relationship to be successful, you want to do things they like. 

Someone wrote, "I have another "dynamic" going on that I hope will be mentioned in the book. It's my mother in law." The solution is straightforward. You are pleasant and cordial and try to avoid fights. I do not believe in flattering adults who treat you poorly, but an older family member is entitled to respectful treatment.


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## tacoma

Bobby5000 said:


> Loving your stepchildren should be a given.



Love is never a "given".

How do you love someone you dislike?

If I have no affinity, affection, or respect for a person it`s pretty well guaranteed I`m not going to love them.

So how is love a "given"?



> I do not believe in flattering adults who treat you poorly, but an older family member is entitled to respectful treatment.


And people who treat you poorly are "entitled" to respect if they belong to a certain age bracket?

Really not understanding what you`re saying here.


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## Bobby5000

Love is a given, because it is one of the few non-negotiable items if you are marrying someone with children. If you love your children, that does not change, even if they do things you don't like. You can't have a successful marriage with your own children enjoying A status and their faults are excused, but the stepchildren get different treatment. Usually, since stepchildren have had a tougher life, they are more likely to present challenges and you have to be ready to meet those challenges. 

I had a vice-principal call me to school, and when he saw the way my step-child treated me, felt bad for me. But we got over it, and dealt with some tough times, and he has said several times, that he considers me his true father.

I married a very good woman, and we celebrated our 25th anniversary on a beach with our three children (2 step) and their wife and fiance. No one said this was easy. I have a fair number of faults, (my mother once said she did not understand how my wife puts up with me) but being a dedicated, patient father wasn't one of them. 

You wrote, "If I have no affinity, affection, or respect for a person it`s pretty well guaranteed I`m not going to love them." That's simply not true. If every mother of a teenage girl or boy stopped loving her child because he or she cursed, said she hated her mother, we'd have no children who were loved. The point is because that is the child you bore, you get over the crazy things your teenager does. 



Love is never a "given".

How do you love someone you dislike?

If I have no affinity, affection, or respect for a person it`s pretty well guaranteed I`m not going to love them.

So how is love a "given"?



And people who treat you poorly are "entitled" to respect if they belong to a certain age bracket?

Really not understanding what you`re saying here.[/QUOTE]


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## tacoma

Bobby5000 said:


> Love is a given, because it is one of the few non-negotiable items if you are marrying someone with children.


You haven`t answered my questions.

I`m having trouble understanding how "love is a given".

I define love as an emotional response to certain stimuli.
It`s a chemical reaction within your brain.

This reaction cannot be created intentionally, nor can it be faked.

It`s not something you can do it`s something that happens.

It`s certainly not something you can do towards someone whom you greatly dislike.

How do you make yourself love someone?

The other question.,

Why do old people automatically deserve respect even if their abusive to you?

I`m not sure you understand what love and respect are if you think you can just make them appear out of thin air and in an environment that directly opposes standards necessary to achieve them.

Edit:

Full disclosure.
I`ve married someone with children.
I don`t love them, I don`t see how it`s possible for me to love them.
I don`t even like one of them.
I guess I could lie and pretend but whats the point in that?


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## sfj

Bobby5000, please take the time to read this article:

Why It's Easier to Love a Stepfather Than a Stepmother | Psychology Today

I'm just going through the series by Wednesday Martin (and ordered the book) and imo it is well worth the read.

So, no offense but I don't think you have much of a clue as to what step-MOTHERS deal with. I'm glad that your experience of being a stepfather has worked out well for you, but please recognize that the roles are very different.

As for my mother in law-- I am always civil and respectful. My point was her attitude concerning me and my stepchildren has caused me to distance myself from her. It's simple really, if somebody makes a person feel uncomfortable then that person will not want to be around them. I would like for that to be different, so I am thinking of possibly getting her the stepmonster book too. Bottom line is I refuse to feel any more guilt over the dysfunctional relationship I have with my stepkids. I didn't create the situation and I won't be a scapegoat for others issues, even if they are "children".


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## sfj

tacoma said:


> I guess I could lie and pretend but whats the point in that?


Exactly.

To lie and pretend only creates a potent breeding ground for passive aggressive behavior on all ends, which imo is the WORST!


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## Bobby5000

*Re: That's the Way Moms Are*

Most items in a marriage are a subject of negotiation and compromise. A fair number of men posted that while they were single they were doing it 3-4 times a week in multiple positions, and now with a baby, work, and other things, it's changed. I suggested you have to compromise and things change as part of marriage. 

As to children, I think they don't. If you are getting married to a women or man with children, you have to decide before you get married if you love the children and are committed to them. Sometimes you don't and then you don't get married because it is a package. If you do love them and are committed to them, then you deal with the ups and downs as a couple. 

There's a story my wife used to read my baby son called That's the Way Moms Are. Will you love me if I am bad, if I am sad, if I disbehave, etc. The moral was yes, a mom loves her baby regardless of what. To marry and raise someone with children, you have to be a mom. 

I love my two stepchildren and raising them was probably the best thing I did in my life. It included having 14 year olds coming home from a concert with an erring, calls from police, tickets, school problems, etc. Having a teenager 6-4 250pounds have a temper tantrum is not the easiest thing, nor is money taken from your wallet but I got through it. 

I think I helped make them better people and was a better person myself. My wife could overlook many things in me because she knew I was a good father and we put our kids first. 







I`m having trouble understanding how "love is a given".

I define love as an emotional response to certain stimuli.
It`s a chemical reaction within your brain.

This reaction cannot be created intentionally, nor can it be faked.

It`s not something you can do it`s something that happens.

It`s certainly not something you can do towards someone whom you greatly dislike.

How do you make yourself love someone?

The other question.,

Why do old people automatically deserve respect even if their abusive to you?

I`m not sure you understand what love and respect are if you think you can just make them appear out of thin air and in an environment that directly opposes standards necessary to achieve them.

Edit:

Full disclosure.
I`ve married someone with children.
I don`t love them, I don`t see how it`s possible for me to love them.
I don`t even like one of them.
I guess I could lie and pretend but whats the point in that?[/QUOTE]


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## sfj

Bobby did you see my post about how being a stepmother and stepfather are very different?

I know where YOU are coming from because when my husband and I got married 13 years ago I also had a child. My son is now in his mid 20's and out of the house and doing well. When he lived with us it was full time and my husband was (and is) an excellent stepfather. WE were the main parents. 

I know first hand having seen both sides that the roles and issues are not the same, not even close.

Interesting that my stepkids have a stepfather too, and have a better relationship with him than they have with my husband, their father. The reason is because the EX had full custody and moved the kids when they were very young 500 miles away. 

Men and women are very different, like I said please read the article I posted. I would be willing to bet money that in your case the father of your stepchildren either wasn't in the picture, or didn't have issues with you raising his kids. How many women do you think are in that boat? Not many. Women are much more "maternal", possessive, protective, and VINDICTIVE. My husbands ex didn't want me near HER kids, and guess what, all these years later, the ones who really lost out because of her attitudes where HER kids. Sad.


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## asylumspadez

No one is saying you have to like your step kids however they should respect you. They are adults now so you dont need to baby them. If they are disrespectful to you then tell them off. Its not like you have anything to lose because they clearly dont care about you.


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## CandieGirl

I hadn't even met my husband's kids prior to getting engaged, so I certainly didn't 'decide to love them'. The sad truth is, it's tough to like your OWN teenagers at times, let alone someone else's. I married my husband, not his kids; our case is different, though, there isn't much contact due to distance, so it's not like I came into his life and pushed his kids out...their Mom made that decision for them.

To address the comment about how people in general love having money spent on them/being taken out: Life is not a constant vacation, off doing fun things, spending $$$, etc. Yes, kids, sometimes we're going to be staying in on a Saturday night - that's life.


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