# Wow! Almost 3 years post divorce and ex's confession



## Corpuswife

After a 25 year marriage, in which we met when I was 14....we divorced on January 2010. After fighting for the marriage for about a year pre divorce...he filed. We had a pretty solid marriage but I received the "I love you but am no longer in love with you" message.

The two of us began dating. Fast forward..he is newly married since May of 2012. I am engaged. We both like each others partners and have been more than friendly. In fact, most are shocked how well we got along during the divorce and his remarriage. 

I consider us close. We talk frequently, due to our kids (age 18 and 23) being "lost."

He called last night regarding the kids. He was alone, driving to the pharmacy and began speaking of his wife attending a counselor and he was going to join her with marriage counseling, after the first session.

He said "our marriage was pretty perfect.....I mean it, we had it all." Of course, I stated that it wasn't perfect but always worked together as a team. 

Anyway, the just of the conversation gave me the vibe that the grass isn't greener on his side. He has figured out that he has to work at this marriage. He also indicated regrets and how he is closer to me than anyone. It almost felt....like given a chance and circumstances arose that he'd want back in. As he said "it's too late."

I love him to death. He is a good man. He is a great father. I am shocked that this early, in his marriage, he is sharing these things and issues early on. 

I'm amazed how things look different when you gain perspective. I don't think I could go back. I am different. 

I pray that his marriage works as I feel it would devastate him.


----------



## Jellybeans

It's amazing, isn't it? How some people just WALK and don't give it two thoughts and then reality hits them smack upside the head when none of it matters anymore. 

He just got married five months ago and is already in MC? Wow. 

That part about him saying he will always feel closer to you than anyone else--chilling, isn't it? 

The grass is greener where you water it. Seems he learned that too late.


----------



## COguy

Yeah i'm sure he's changed....

Already in an EA with his ex-wife 5 months in. Don't take that bait please.


----------



## Jellybeans

Haha. I hadn't thought of it that way, Co, but you're right. 

This guy has major boundary issues.


----------



## MSC71

Jellybeans said:


> Haha. I hadn't thought of it that way, Co, but you're right.
> 
> This guy has major boundary issues.


yeah, I'm sure his new wife would not be happy about it. But who knows. I'm sure it made you feel good to hear him say what he did. Most people will never admit they made a mistake.


----------



## unbelievable

Don't fall for it. It's a trap. He's got marital problems so he's turning to his ex for a little ego boost and comfort. Imagine how you'd feel if you were still his wife and he was having the same conversation with another woman. He's learned nothing.


----------



## Corpuswife

Good point....he's had difficulty (admitted) to "cutting the cord" with me. 

I really don't initiate conversation unless it kids related. And to tell you the truth, we had plenty of kids stuff in the last year!

However, I realize he boundary issue. I don't give advice other than "it's good that you want to work on your marriage." 

There isn't much for me to say.


----------



## Deejo

Ex and I have been separated for over 4 years. Divorced, for a relatively short time.

You know what I've learned?

People tend to make very hasty, sweeping, and bad decisions when they aren't in a good place.

We have both acknowledged that we have made tremendous strides personally. And ... that in light of those strides, were we armed 5 years ago, with the personal tool-set we each have today ... we would have worked it out.

We have both apologized. I have forgiven her. She has said the words to me ... but as I often say, forgiveness is usually for the benefit of the person bestowing it, rather than the person receiving it. Don't know if she forgives herself.


----------



## Corpuswife

Deejo:

You are right where I am. I don't think he forgives himself but certainly the "strides" that you speak of...well, he hasn't really made. 

I think he hasn't made the strides due to he lack of forgiveness to himself!


----------



## Deejo

Corpuswife said:


> Deejo:
> 
> You are right where I am. I don't think he forgives himself but certainly the "strides" that you speak of...well, he hasn't really made.
> 
> I think he hasn't made the strides due to he lack of forgiveness to himself!


A rebound romance and marriage is evidence enough of not really taking a long, hard, look under the hood at oneself.

if anything, it looks more like avoidance.

I'm very glad to hear that you are doing well.


----------



## dumpedandhappy

Not in direct reference to this string exactly but, when you say "...rebound romance..." what does that mean actually? 
Is any romance that happens post-divorce considered a "rebound"? 
I have struggled with the meaning of the term and wish there was a good definition to understand the meaning.


----------



## Deejo

From my perspective, if you need to not be alone, need to not feel and deal with the pain of losing your marriage, need someone to boost up your self-esteem, need someone to simply avoid feeling sad, lonely, and afraid ... then you are in a rebound relationship.

I was in one ... and I certainly wouldn't have called it that at the time. It felt wonderful ... but it isn't real, couldn't be real, by the simple fact that I hadn't yet dealt with the reality of the death of my marriage.

Do I think all post-divorce romances are rebounds? No.

But in a case where someone meets 'the person of their dreams', falls head over heels, decides to marry, and within months of making another commit to another partner, is second-guessing that choice, it's safe to say they were in a rebound relationship.


----------



## Jellybeans

I cannot at all understand how some people go from relationship to relationship with zero time in between. Especially after something like a marriage--straight into another one. Does. Not. Compute!


----------



## Corpuswife

Jellybeans...for me I fought for the year prior to my marriage to save my marriage. I guess you could say that I gave it my all-no regrets! By the time, my divorce came around...It was over a year and we were living apart and there was nothing left to do but sign the paper.

A few months later I started dated. I was ready for fun and freedom.

However, I met a great guy and before you know it...it was serious and worked out. I am now engaged! 

Never would I have believed that I would be remarried again! Never! I was to old; the odds were against me; etc.


----------



## Jellybeans

I think that is great it worked out for you. It's just that for me, it is not something that would have happened nor would happen. Not after such a serious relationship. I am not built that way. My divorce was a very traumatic experience. Going straight into another relationship, a serious one, seems ludicrous to me. 

But we are all different with different experiences. I am glad to hear you are happy


----------



## dblkman

COguy said:


> Yeah i'm sure he's changed....
> 
> Already in an EA with his ex-wife 5 months in. Don't take that bait please.


Just what I was thinking!! If I were you I would discuss NOTHING but the kids, nothing about HIS marriage nor YOUR relationship. Something you said made me worry though, you said "I don't think I could go back". How bout changing that to I WILL NOT GO BACK.


----------



## aston

I find it interesting how people are quick to judge. When you've connected with a person for a long time even if you end up divorced you can throw that connection out the door.
People tend to focus on the final sad days of their marriage and don't remember the good times they had (which by the way is uaually more than the sad times...sad times are just much easier to remember).
I still talk to my EW and we still share a closeness despite the two of us completely moved on already.
If he's calling you it doesn't mean he' a bad person or trying to get back. He's jsut going back to a familiar place and a familiar person that he feel comfortable enough sharing his emotions with. You should feel proud of that and well respected, knowing you had that profound of an effect on him even after marriage. Clearly you did something right.


----------



## COguy

aston said:


> I find it interesting how people are quick to judge. When you've connected with a person for a long time even if you end up divorced you can throw that connection out the door.
> People tend to focus on the final sad days of their marriage and don't remember the good times they had (which by the way is uaually more than the sad times...sad times are just much easier to remember).
> I still talk to my EW and we still share a closeness despite the two of us completely moved on already.
> If he's calling you it doesn't mean he' a bad person or trying to get back. He's jsut going back to a familiar place and a familiar person that he feel comfortable enough sharing his emotions with. You should feel proud of that and well respected, knowing you had that profound of an effect on him even after marriage. Clearly you did something right.


What a great idea! Share close intimate details with a married man while you are engaged! It's a foolproof arrangement....

<facepalm>


----------



## aston

COguy said:


> What a great idea! Share close intimate details with a married man while you are engaged! It's a foolproof arrangement....
> 
> HAHAHA funny! I think my comment might have been misread. I meant she clearly had a profound effect on the guy if he called her and what she said is in effect true. Now making a move on her is another issue.
> Look the reality is that people put too much pressure on themselves while being married. In all actuality everyone needs a counter balance in marriage (well intentioned that is).
> Simply assuming talking to an ex or a member of the opposite sex is a threat simply means you're insecure in your relationship and you should re-evaluate your relationship to begin with.
> 
> <facepalm>


----------



## Corpuswife

Aston, thank you for your comments. 

Fact is, my ex husband had trouble "cutting the cord" so-to-speak. After knowing him since childhood..... I was the stable person in his life. However, I have spent time early on during the seperation and divorce in distancing myself (180). 

You all are right in he shouldn't be telling me his "issues." However, it doesn't bother me. Really. It happens rarely now. I would be offended if the shoe was on the other foot. I do encourage him to continue getting help. I don't encourage the conversation. I never share details of my relationship.

We will always be connected. It's not all black and white.

Thanks to all of your comments. Many don't hear the regretful spouse and I never expected to hear it myself.


----------



## Jellybeans

Corpuswife said:


> Many don't hear the regretful spouse and I never expected to hear it myself.


That is SO true.

To this day, my exH has never apologized.


----------



## Madman1

I hope it helps you heal and grow.


----------



## Corpuswife

Thanks Madman1, 

I already have and will continue!


----------



## GettingStronger

Hello Corpuswife, I ran across your postings today and wondered if your opinion has changed about Dobson's Tough Love book which if I understand you used intitally. I am recently separated and am not sure if I want to reconcile or not. My H sounded similar to yours.

Thanks!


----------



## DTO

Yup. I wonder how many people realize that they swapped evenly or perhaps even traded down in their life situations at some point.

I strongly suspect my mother had second thoughts about marrying my step-father (and this being after less than 2 years of marriage).

My ex has had a guy living with her since soon after she bailed on me. She's made it clear that she intends to marry him. Yet I hear that she's already discouraging gestures of affection from him. I guess some people never learn.


----------



## Corpuswife

Gettingstronger: Dobson's "Tough Love" books is a solid book that conforted me in at the time. I felt I had no other direction but to let go. You can't save a marriage alone! 

DTO: The grass is always greener syndrome. The deal is you can't escape your problems...they are yours! Then you marry someone else and include their problems and issues and kids! Unless the marriage prior really sucked/abuse/cheating.....i think it's a good chance that might be buyers remorse.


----------



## DTO

Corpuswife said:


> DTO: The grass is always greener syndrome. The deal is you can't escape your problems...they are yours! Then you marry someone else and include their problems and issues and kids! Unless the marriage prior really sucked/abuse/cheating.....i think it's a good chance that might be buyers remorse.


Completely agree. She convinced herself that I was a porn-addled perv suffering from an extreme drive as a result. I tried to tell her - for her own good - that the kind of guy she wanted (willing to be disregarded at home yet confident and successful in the workplace) generally does not exist.

I told her the attributes of good providers (intelligence, self-confidence and drive to realize one's potential) are precisely what makes them strive for fair treatment at home. OTOH, a guy who lets her walk all over him would have deficiencies in other areas she would find equally unacceptable. Looks like she did not listen and is going to learn the hard way - again.

The point (for those disenchanted or wondering about divorced life) is what you "bring to the table" is half the story. Sometimes your grass is not as green because you aren't watering it. I don't mean you have to try harder with a successful guy because you have more competition (although that is true). It is that the successful guy knows how hard he worked to be successful, and he's not likely to tolerate someone unwilling to work to meet his needs.


----------



## Corpuswife

DTO said:


> The point (for those disenchanted or wondering about divorced life) is what you "bring to the table" is half the story. Sometimes your grass is not as green because you aren't watering it. I don't mean you have to try harder with a successful guy because you have more competition (although that is true). It is that the successful guy knows how hard he worked to be successful, and he's not likely to tolerate someone unwilling to work to meet his needs.


Interesting that your wife wouldn't want a a confident man at home. That, for me, would be unattractive. Either way, I don't want someone that isn't willing to work on issues. I am a confident woman, and I am willing to give my fair share, but If my partner isn't willing or able to do the work-then it will NEVER work! Lesson learned on my part.


----------



## DTO

Corpuswife said:


> Interesting that your wife wouldn't want a a confident man at home. That, for me, would be unattractive. Either way, I don't want someone that isn't willing to work on issues. I am a confident woman, and I am willing to give my fair share, but If my partner isn't willing or able to do the work-then it will NEVER work! Lesson learned on my part.


Yeah I find it interesting as well. I certainly don't want a meek pushover for a relationship partner. But I'm sure some people do, and that is their choice, as long as they are willing to accept the tradeoffs.

The real shocker is she thinks she can have it both ways. She could certainly have a meek pushover husband, as long as she accepted he would have some mediocre job, not be terribly ambitious, etc. But that was as unacceptable as being with someone expecting her to compromise and pull her weight.


----------



## southbound

Jellybeans said:


> I cannot at all understand how some people go from relationship to relationship with zero time in between. Especially after something like a marriage--straight into another one. Does. Not. Compute!


I've never understood that either, but i guess we're all different. I hear some people date before their divorce is even final. Not me, I wanted some space.


----------



## vi_bride04

Jellybeans said:


> I cannot at all understand how some people go from relationship to relationship with zero time in between. Especially after something like a marriage--straight into another one. Does. Not. Compute!


:iagree:

My stbx will probably be married within the next 6 months and our divorce isn't final until next week!


----------



## Corpuswife

Amazing how quick people can move on and want a immediate commitment!

They want to put a band aid on their issues. The band aid is another relationship...another distraction. That band aid eventually falls off and they are left to deal with issues that they brought with them.


----------

