# Overbearing In-laws



## DawgFan79 (Nov 19, 2019)

My wife's parents are becoming more and more overbearing in our lives. This started as a simple coincidence in 2004 when we moved from the south up to Ohio. Shortly after, they moved to the same town in Ohio as us. At first we thought it would be great to have them nearby for babysitting and just a support system. As time passed and our kids started getting older, they have become increasingly too involved in our lives. My wife's dad gets too involved with my 14 year old's baseball team. We always invite him to watch the games as a grandparent, but he sticks himself into doing something for the coach (like keeping the books, which is a team parent job). Last week, they didn't like a call the umpire made and got out of their seats to yell at him. This embarrassed me and my son to the point where I wanted to ask them to not come to any more games. A few weeks before that, my 14 year old didn't pitch very well (the opposing team was just hitting everyone very hard that night). My wife told her dad to not go into the dugout and chat with him because we wanted him to have time to cool down and let the coaches handle it. Her dad essentially brushed her off and went anyway. My wife confronted him as soon as he came back from the dugout, and rather than apologize for stepping over our wishes, he got in his car and left. 

Her parents do normal grandparent things like spoil the kids, but then they take it to the extreme. One night my son came home with a new laptop that they decided to buy him without asking us. We both expressed our desire to be asked about big purchases like that before they just decide to go through with it. Whenever the kids go over to their house for sleepovers, they buy them expensive gifts even though we tell them not to. It's not that we don't appreciate them spending time with our kids, it's the failure to respect our rules as their parents that frustrates us.

A month or so ago, my oldest accidentally told his grandparents that we were going on a family vacation to San Diego in July. We told the kids weeks earlier that we were keeping it a secret because knowing my wife's parents they would try to tag along too. We wanted a trip for ourselves to grow and bond as a family. As soon as they found out, my father in-law started looking for flights and hotels to which we said no. He immediately guilted us by saying "Sorry I even tried." Is it wrong for us to want time away from them?

My wife's brother is 19 (announced he was gay and transgender a few years ago and is in process of transitioning from female to male). I completely respect his decision and will respect whatever he decided to call himself as it's really not my business. The problem we are facing with him is that he is home from college and instead of getting a summer job or doing something else to occupy himself, he calls me (while I am working) or my wife and tells us he wants to come over to the house EVERY DAY because he is bored. My wife, who is in therapy right now is trying to take a breather from the intense school year she just finished. She is a special needs teacher who works with the most severe learning disabilities in the school. The school staff treats her horribly and makes her life at the school a living hell. The therapy is helping her find a way to unwind and find herself again. Part of that therapy is taking ownership of her free time and staying free from having to please other people. She sat down with her parents and her brother to explain that she has to get better and that she cannot have them barging into her life every day. This seemed to go right over their heads. Since then, they have tried to show up at our house unannounced and tried to schedule elaborate trips with them without asking us. Her brother, regardless of my wife telling him no, still texts or calls her every day because he is bored and wants to hang out.

This situation is continuing to cause us stress and is not helping her anxiety. Her therapist has been fantastic and she seems to be making great progress improving herself. But, I am very afraid her parents are going to keep her from ever truly being happy. I don't know what else to do above supporting her decisions. We both want happy relationships with her parents, but they are quickly making us lose our minds. My wife has mentioned several times maybe moving away from them would help, but seeing how they just followed us up here to Ohio in 2004, they would probably try to move wherever we moved again.

Sorry for the long post. Short story long - I don't know what to do anymore about my overbearing in-laws. I just want my wife to be happy and it's just not possible with them doing what they are doing. Any advice is very welcome


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Before you mentioned it I was going to suggest moving further away and telling them that they must not follow you. Sometimes that's all you can do with difficult family members.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Drastic times need drastic measures. Send each of them a recorded delivery letter spelling out when they are allowed to visit and make it clear that you will seek legal advice to enforce your boundaries if necessary.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

First, as I'm sure you know - these people are way out of line. They're nuts, selfish and needy to an obscene level.

Considering your wife's state, I would sit down alone with her and tell her that you are going to put your foot down. It sounds like that's what she wants also. 
It's certainly what's best for your family. Tell her you're going to address it in no uncertain terms and that you will give them ultimatums if necessary. Your wife is key here. She has to support your actions and talking to her first will satisfy her need to know and give her the opportunity for feedback in a calm environment. 

Take her parents out to dinner or a place where you can talk (if your wife wants to go, she can or not).
Then some version of:

"You're important to our family, but you do not seem to understand that we need time as a family and time for the things we plan to bond and experience as a family. When those things can include you, we will, but you are not ever again to inject yourselves into our family affairs and plans without our permission. You are driving a wedge between us and causing your daughter, myself and the kids all kinds of grief and resentment. I am telling you this as a kindness, as the alternative is to separate you from us permanently and we don't want that but for the health and well-being of our family, we are willing to do that if that's what it takes." 

Time to put the foot down, hard...


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

My in laws are great and they can be overbearing as well. We moved closer to them so our kids can have at least one (or two) set of grandparents close to by. 

My in-laws buy clothes for my daughter every week! She has so many, sometimes she wears one outfit once, and then she won't fit in it the next time she finds it! I've given up complaining about it. That's a grandparent thing, and in the end, it's not hurting anyone.

At least they don't come to my home unannounced, that would drive me crazy. 

My son also plays baseball and I see parents and grandparents getting upset at the umpire. I just lol! I think it's sweet grandpa volunteers to keep the score book. 

I understand your frustration. Somethings upset me about my in-laws as well. I also recognize, they are old and they want to spend time with family. My daughter goes to grandma and grandpa for a sleepover almost every weekend. My husband gets annoyed (they are his parents) but I don't mind it. When I was little, I used to go to my grandparents for months during summer! I loved it! 

I think you guys haven't talked about boundaries with them, have you? This is something you have to do. It's uncomfortable but it needs to be done. Explain why you need family time and maybe you guys can make an schedule for grandparents day! We have a day during the week when we eat dinner at my in-laws and then maybe another day during the weekend. 

Your wife need to stop answering her brother's phone calls. Again, he needs to know and respect her boundaries. Even if her brother get his feelings hurt, he needs to understand his sister has her own family to worry about. Your wife shouldn't feel stressed out about her brother. Why does she feel responsible for him?

Clear boundaries are important in every relationship. You guys need to implement them even if family members get offended.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

We had a situation like this with an older family friend who very quickly took over our lives, it was near impossible to extract ourselves. She just did not hear no, take hints etc.

In the end it was recommended not to directly tell her we needed space, and become ‘busy’, as she clearly wasn’t respecting the no.

It was also recommended we don’t answer continuous questions for her ‘why’.

Eg, ‘no our child can’t play today, we’re going out to kick the footy’ Would result in, ‘but the weather is bad, how long will you be’ and then you end up in a cycle of having to answer.

So it would go like this, ‘No we can’t meet today’.

Next question would be, ‘why not?’

‘We’re going out in a minute’

Next question, ‘Oh… where are you going? How long will you be?’

‘Not sure, hey sorry they’re in the car and yelling at me to hurry, gotta go, bye’

The lack of response from your first response immediately unsettles the rest of the conversation. I’m short, you’re giving them nothing. And eventually they will blow, and demand to know what’s going on. Again, you don’t engage in that conversation, again, you’re busy.

People like this will very quickly move onto another family member.

It’s a long and painful process, but you’ve already told them so many times and it’s not registering. And if you do keep telling them or call them overbearing, they go nuclear and get to be distressed & abandoned needlings.

So you’re going to become short, unavailable, say you’ll return calls and then don’t. Eventually, it stops. Keep the conversations not very personal, short, and Sharp. Give no information of any sort.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

We moved away from my husband’s family a few years into our marriage for the same reasons. Once our child was born, it was many times worse. Since my husband was incapable of communicating with them, and they strongly resented my attempts to communicate, it was easier to have hundreds of miles between us. That’s probably not an option for you at this point so your wife is going to have to be very direct with all of them and ignore any guilt thrown her way.


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## DawgFan79 (Nov 19, 2019)

Luckylucky said:


> We had a situation like this with an older family friend who very quickly took over our lives, it was near impossible to extract ourselves. She just did not hear no, take hints etc.
> 
> In the end it was recommended not to directly tell her we needed space, and become ‘busy’, as she clearly wasn’t respecting the no.
> 
> ...


Great advice and that's what I've recommended my wife do. We will keep trying this and see how it works.


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## DawgFan79 (Nov 19, 2019)

Openminded said:


> We moved away from my husband’s family a few years into our marriage for the same reasons. Once our child was born, it was many times worse. Since my husband was incapable of communicating with them, and they strongly resented my attempts to communicate, it was easier to have hundreds of miles between us. That’s probably not an option for you at this point so your wife is going to have to be very direct with all of them and ignore any guilt thrown her way.


The guilt is the hardest part. She feels like whenever she says no that she has to take on their guilt. I told her last night that they have demonstrated a behavior that hasn't changed over the years. Until we put our foot down and be more direct they won't stop.


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## Killi (May 12, 2021)

Book recommendation- "13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do: Take Back Your Power, Embrace Change, Face Your Fears, and Train Your Brain for Happiness and Success" by Amy Morin

Specifically chapter 2 of the book. It's pretty much the same situation. The main story is a woman who came to the author's counselling session to deal with her mother-in-law who is undermining her, spoiling the kids etc etc.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

DawgFan79 said:


> The guilt is the hardest part. She feels like whenever she says no that she has to take on their guilt. I told her last night that they have demonstrated a behavior that hasn't changed over the years. Until we put our foot down and be more direct they won't stop.


People who use guilt to manipulate others never willingly stop. Why would they when it works so well. It’s up to your wife to fix that or it will continue as long as they’re alive.


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## DawgFan79 (Nov 19, 2019)

Update July 6: My wife just got a text from her mom that they are looking at some houses not even a mile away from our house. We were enjoying them being 30 minutes away. My wife is absolutely freaking out. She doesn't want them this close yet they do this every time we move. Should I start looking for new houses? LOL. They are too overbearing and prodding to listen to us if we put our foot down about boundaries. They can't even keep the boundaries we've given them today and they are in another city!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

DawgFan79 said:


> Update July 6: My wife just got a text from her mom that they are looking at some houses not even a mile away from our house. We were enjoying them being 30 minutes away. My wife is absolutely freaking out. She doesn't want them this close yet they do this every time we move. Should I start looking for new houses? LOL. They are too overbearing and prodding to listen to us if we put our foot down about boundaries. They can't even keep the boundaries we've given them today and they are in another city!


Just say don't bother as you don't know how long you will be staying there. 
Personally I would move RIGHT away. I mean another state. You may even have to keep the new address from them if you are desperate. 

I wonder if some sort of family therapy with an experienced counsellor may help them to see what is happening.


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