# chose me or your daughter!!!!!



## shumi (Apr 21, 2010)

ok i am new here and hope this is in the right place! just looking for advice
ok here we go
i got with the most butiful girl a couple of year back,she knew i had a dughter(9) now and what i come with, she had a boy and girl that i took on happily now (5)boy(10)girl she was always jelous of my own daughter and could not understand why i had gave everthing up to be with this girl(i call her G) 125,000 house car business etc, she would often be nasty to me but wasnt before we lived togther any way as time went on we realised she was ill becuse of her bad past life(lost mum at 12)she now 32)followed by being in a domestic violent realstionship) and anxsitey issues she has delat with this all really well with doc,tabs, and anger managment corsres and i have helped her through all of this but now she is still nasty to my daughter and i dont understand why, i treat the whole family well, i do plenty to help round the house,cook,clean,gardenin,work on the car,homework,bed routines etc,etc. dont get me wrong she does all this to and we have a wonderful team work relationship that works well, but i dont know what to do her children can be a handful but i love them and they love me so i have a stong bond with them and dont feel it is any differnt to if they wer mine, but why is she so nasty to my own daughter when i do so much for here and her kids, i see my daughter on a wed, for 90 min then fri from 6.30pm till sat 6pm, she has before now told me to chose her or my daughter and still somtimes hints at it, i really dont know what to do should i ride it out or leave for my daughters sake!!!! pls help i do have more to say but this is the basics


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

She is a mother herself and asks you to chose between her and your own kid?!
She is just a selfish. If she loved you she would have accepted your kid no matter what, as you did with her kids. You kid is not even living with you all the time. She is using you, because your are a good help to her. But your kid is just a trouble to her. Sorry, but I don't think she really loves you


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Shumi, like you, I married a beautiful woman who had a rough childhood, during which time she had been abandoned emotionally (but not physically) by her parents. That abandonment at an early age, together with abusive treatment from her dad, totally destroyed her ability to trust anyone.

During our courtship, her inability to trust did not show at all because she hid it well. She accomplished that by mirroring my personality and preferences -- pretending to like everyone and everything I liked -- making me feel like I had met my soul mate. After six months, however, that facade started to fade a little because she grew resentful of the sacrifices she was making when going places and meeting people she really did not like.

During our marriage, her inability to trust started showing itself big time -- in numerous different ways. It mainly took the form of an intense jealousy of anyone I had ever dated and all of my family members. She was so jealous of my foster son (whom I brought into the marriage) that she hated him. Although I knew from the first year that she hated him, it was not until we were close to the end of our 15 years together that she finally admitted it was true.

She had brought 5 children into the marriage. Initially she seemed to like the fact that I adored all 5 of them, which is why I helped put two through college and gave them two cars. Eventually, however, my exW grew jealous even of my relationship with her own children, causing her to say things behind my back to undermine my relationship with all of them.

Why did she behave in such a cruel fashion? I am not a psychologist. As I understand it, however, the abandonment she experienced as a young girl caused her to have an enormous fear of abandonment from anyone who cares for her. The result was that she would be very generous and caring to complete strangers and casual friends -- and then would go home and be very mean to the people who love her. 

And Lord help the casual friends who were unfortunate enough to draw close to her and try to be a close friend. As soon as that happened, her fear of their abandoning her would be activated, and it would distort her perceptions of their motivations. 

Hence, the close friends never knew what innocent comment or action would trigger the immense rage inside her -- anger that she had been carrying since childhood. Of course, it was that way for me too because I always felt I was walking on eggshells to avoid triggering her anger.

My exW's inability to trust also showed itself as an inability to believe that I really loved her. Sometimes she would say that I loved her. She never really believed it, however. So she was driven to devise numerous tests -- all of them designed to prove whether I did or did not love her. 

Of course, as soon as I had passed one test, she would have to create another. There was no end to it. Although I tried to satisfy all her desires and meet every need, it was never possible to do so because it was like trying to fill a bottomless pit.

If this description of my exW's behavior sounds similar to your experience with your own wife, you may want to read more about it. If so, I suggest that you read the article at How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves - Roger Melton, M.A. . It describes what it is like to be married to a woman suffering from BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). There, you will learn that BPD has 9 traits, with fear of abandonment being one of them. For a psychologist to diagnose someone as having BPD, at least 5 of the 9 traits must be strong.


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## shumi (Apr 21, 2010)

hey uptown, thats an amazing link and very intresting some of it is here but not all, you did 15 year what was the breaking point? at the mo i got in my head well i 35 and dont see my parents evey weekend so it will work out for my daughter if she decideds not to see me!!!! my woman is ill and that people dont understand or see but when i look into the ilness so many say i could not take any more of the mood swing etc.etc. 
i dont know whats next she does show love to me and is it really true what the above poster says to(thank you for your input) is she using me even after 2 years? there dad has taken this time (2 year) to come round and be sensiable but i think this was hurt and anger(he had anger probs from his child hood to) am i just a punchbag (verbaly) she has told me she is angry with having her kids with thier dad as she feels used and wishes she had met me sooner and had them kids with me! i tell her if it was not for the life she had and the life i had we would never of met she seems to argree but i dont think she really sees it like that when do you decided to stick it out 50 year ago it was frown upon to stray so noe it easy to do so cus its not frowned upon so when do you make that honest dession???


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

> You did 15 years -- what was the breaking point?


As a caregiver type, I never did reach the breaking point. My exW did. As is typical of a relationship with a BPDer, she grew increasingly resentful each year. Let me explain. 

A therapist who has treated many BPD couples says that BPD relationships typically last either 18 months or 15 years. They last 18 months, he explains, when the Non has strong personal boundaries. The Non enjoys the 6 month honeymoon period of mirroring and then is willing to spend up to a year trying to reestablish the honeymoon conditions. Then he bails.

The relationship typically lasts 15 years, he explains, when the Non has strong codependency traits and thus has low personal boundaries. Such a Non typically never bails. Instead, the BPD leaves him because, as the years go by, she becomes increasingly resentful of his inability to make her happy or fix her. Also, she may become increasingly fearful of abandonment. This explanation struck a strong chord with me because my relationship lasted 15 years, at which time my wife had me arrested on a trumped up charge and filed a restraining order barring me from my own home for a year and a half (when the divorce was finalized).

I mention this to you because, if you are thinking your W will eventually become thankful for your years of self-sacrifice, please think again. Exactly how long does she remain appreciative of anything you have done over the past few years? In my case, my wife would be thrilled for a few days -- a week tops -- when I would spend a lot of money on her.

For example, I bought her $5,000 worth of sewing machines and spent another $6,000 on fabric. Over the 15 years, she made one dress, a vest, and a cat collar. Similarly, I bought her a piano and massage chair, both of which she dearly wanted and begged for. She played the $3,500 piano five times and sat in the $3,000 chair maybe four times.

The problem, of course, was not my wife but rather my foolish willingness to do those things. Untreated BPDs cannot appreciate anything for very long. For one thing, BPDs like my ex have an unstable sense of whom they are, so they don't know today what they will want in two weeks. For another, strong emotions sweep through them, pushing aside feelings they had before. This is why, with untreated BPDs, you cannot build up a reservoir of good will on which to draw during the bad times.


> Hey Uptown, thats an amazing link and very interesting -- some of it is here but not all.


Shumi, if you would feel comfortable sharing more information with us, please tell me which of the traits described in the article seem to fit, and which do not.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You have to set some standards, some boundaries, on what is acceptable in your house. If she refuses to listen to you about the boundaries, you tell her you will both go to counseling together to discuss it - but you will not lower the standards for treatment of the children. You are seriously messing your daughter up by letting your wife treat her like that. Your main responsibility, for the next 9 years, is to be the best father you can be - not the happiest married man.


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## shumi (Apr 21, 2010)

hi uptown these are the think i picked out at a glance

At first, a Borderline female may appear sweet, shy, vulnerable and "ambivalently in need of being rescued"; looking for her Knight in Shining Armor.

Once she has successfully candied her hook with your adoration, she will weld it into place by “reeling in” your attention and concern. Her intense interest in you will subtly transform over time. She still appears to be interested in you, but no longer in what you are interested in. Her interest becomes your exclusive interest in her. This is when you start to notice “something”. Your thoughts, feelings and ideas fascinate her, but more so when they focus on her. You can tell when this happens because you can feel her "perk-up" emotionally whenever your attention focuses upon her feelings and issues. Those moments can emotionally hook your compassion more deeply into her, because that is when she will treat you well - tenderly.

The world ails her. Physical complaints are common. Her back hurts. Her head aches.

She is depressed or anxious, detached and indifferent or vulnerable and hypersensitive. She can swing from elated agitation to mournful gloom at the blink of an eye. Watching the erratic changes in her moods is like tracking the needle on a Richter-scale chart at the site of an active volcano, and you never know which flick of the needle will predict the big explosion.

But after every emotional Vesuvius she pleads for your mercy

It is like you are a Coast Guard cutter and she is a drowning woman. But she drowns in a peculiar way. Every time you pull her out of the turbulent sea, feed her warm tea and biscuits, wrap her in a comfy blanket and tell her everything is okay, she suddenly jumps overboard and starts pleading for help again.

“I love you” means – “I need you to love me”. “That was the best ever for me” means – tell me “it was the best ever for you”. Show me that I have you.

Love: The Hater Phase


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