# Should I leave or stay & cheat?



## loveless1213 (Oct 26, 2012)

Hi I need some advice from you married couples out there. While I am not married, I have been in a 10 year relationship. We were talking about marriage but I am instead considering ending the courtship. 
I have been with my guy going on 10 years, since I was 17 years old. I made him wait years (until 21) to have sex because I felt that we were to young and he had a thing for having sex with other girls anyway. he claimed it was because I wouldn’t give him any. I don’t hold this against him because most teenage boys are immature and cheat on their girlfriends anyway which was why is wasn’t willing to have sex with him and made him wait. 
Flash forward to today, he is a faithful boyfriend. But now I wish he would have sex with other women, because I hate having sex with him. While he has been my one and only, first in everything, what worked for me at 21 is no longer working for me at 27. 
Things wrong with our sex life:

1. His approach. Sex always starts of the same boring way. Him brushing up against my butt, him giving me oral sex, or him stating “my **** is hard” or “I need some.” When he gives me oral sex, he uses to much teeth so I don’t want it anymore. I told him yet he still uses way to much teeth. When he says his **** is hard or that he needs some, I feel left out. No where in that does he include me, I would rather hear “You are so sexy. You have my **** hard.” Or 
I really need to make love to you right now.” All I am asking is to be included and to feel wanted not like his sole purpose for having sex with me is to please himself.

2. When we have sex he stares at the headboard. I have to remind him where my face is. I asked him what is it “am I ugly,” he says no he’s just in the zone. I believe him because there are lots of guys after me and because I am so lonely and sexually frustrated I am considering finding my #2 since I have only had sex with one person. Staring at the headboard keeps him from connecting with me and at kissing me during sex and touching all over my body. I just lay there while he’s on top of me doing his business using my vagina. That’s exactly what it is. Using my vagina. I am being used because I get nothing in return. When he does kiss me I am really appalled because he puts spit everywhere. 

3. When we have sex he bumps like a rabbit the entire time. I told him its called bump and grind for a reason. I enjoy him grinding inside me way more but he says grinding makes him cum to fast which brings me to problem number 4

4. Because I do not enjoy sex with him I refuse often. He cums to fast. He says he cums to fast because he goes for weeks and weeks without having sex. MEN IS THIS TRUE? 

5. When I get on top, he just lays there. Doesn’t say a word. Im sick of it. Hes the only person that Ive ever been with so I would like some feedback so I could know whether I am doing it right or not. A moan, grunt, a passionate kiss, a touch, anything but I get nothing. I am up there for him, if hes not enjoying it I wish he would tell me what to do so I can try to improve or just lay my ass down and go the hell to sleep. 

All Im asking for is a little romance and improvement in our sex lives. He says he cant give me romance because he’s working long hours six days a week and is the only one who pays the bills. But Even when I worked there was still no romance. Now that we have a 2 year old child, my needs have changed. I get little free time to myself. So what I would like is a passionate man who devours my body and gives me a little help around the house. All I ask is that he keep an eye on the little one while I prepare dinner when he gets home from work and give me lots of passion in the bedroom. But instead He falls asleep and the baby makes a mess everywhere, which he refuses to clean and leaves me to do. I told him about my sexual complaints and he deflects blame Hes not happy sexually either he says because I don’t perform oral sex and I don’t know how to ride him.

I would love to perform oral sex on him and I would if I felt loved and if I felt that he wanted to please me as much as I would like to please him. This is not a one way street in my opinion. If I was deeply in love and I knew the man cared for me I would do anything to please him, even anal sex on occasion. (which I have never tried.) but I would have to be in a loving relationship. The only thing I wouldn’t do is invite someone else in my bedroom.. I would like to be a “cowgirl” and ride him until I tire myself out but he wont teach me how to be one and I have no other experience with any other guy. 

I want to make it work for my daughter but I am not happy. I have talked he won’t listen. I have suggested counseling millions of times, he wont go. I suggested church, he believes in god, but is one of those men who refuses to go to church. Because I am not sexually satisfied, I am always in a bad mood. So we always argue. This is not good for my baby so I think we should just end it. Any advice anyone? talking to him hasn't worked in two years, so what I am asking is should i leave a man who is a good provider but uncaring and a horrible lover?many say he wouldn't provide for our family if he didn't care.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

Sounds like the two of us could have an awesome time together...
I'd say if talking with him about all of the issues is getting you nowhere and he is against counseling, it is time to move on.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

You certainly don't want to cheat. That's something that can't be undone and in the end everybody involved loses. 

I agree with you some kind of counselling is in order. It's almost as though he is not hearing what you are saying. I think you essentially have to lay it on the line. Let him know you're not threatening him or issuing an ultimatum but the way you see it unless the two of you can find a way to bridge this impasse the relationship will not last. You're not trying to assign blame but pointing out the fact both of you are not getting everything you want out of the relationship.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

As someone who cheated on their spouse, I can tell you that doing do won't fix anything. Either work with him to make it work, or get out. You both have a lot of issues though, so know that you've got things to fix before you're ready for a long term healthy relationship. 

And yes, if I went 3 weeks without sex, I'd likely be done much faster than my GF would like. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Stay and cheat should not be an option period. If you pour your heart and soul out to him in a non-confrontational way and he refuses to change, then you need to leave him. It sucks that you have a child coming along that will complicate matters, but you need to do what you need to do in order to find the right man.

I still recommend trying to work it out so that he can become the lover you want him to be. But if he refuses to do it, then you need to stay or go. Cheating will only make it worse for everyone.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Have you guys tried sex toys? Watched a few porn videos so you can get some ideas? Purchased the Kama Sutra? You can try a sex therapist.

BUT it sounds like you just don't like him and he isn't willing to show you want he wants and doesn't want feedback on what you want.

If you are at an impass, divorce, don't cheat.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

"but I would have to be in a loving relationship'... that says all there is to say.

Lousy relationship=bad sex

He needs a wake up call. He thinks that paying the bills entitles him to behave any way he likes. Well it doesn't. 

Have a honest discussion, tell him you are seriously considering moving out. This is what it will take. Tell him that he is a good provider and you respect that, but there is more to a relationship and you need more, or you will leave.

Cheating would in no way help, that is NOT the route to happiness.


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## loveless1213 (Oct 26, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Have you guys tried sex toys? Watched a few porn videos so you can get some ideas? Purchased the Kama Sutra? You can try a sex therapist.
> 
> BUT it sounds like you just don't like him and he isn't willing to show you want he wants and doesn't want feedback on what you want.
> 
> If you are at an impass, divorce, don't cheat.


the fact that you say it sounds like i don't like him, really does bring tears to my eyes. I am very fearful of that being how he sees it. the truth is i want to spend the rest of my life with him. i love him but it is very difficult when i don't get that one on one interaction that a woman needs. i need him to show me physically that he feels the same way about me. that he loves me and needs me physically. but instead it only seems that he is only interested in pleasing himself.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Easy one

Don't cheat

Break it off

Move on


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Easy one
> 
> Don't cheat
> 
> ...


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## homebuilder (Aug 25, 2012)

Because I do not enjoy sex with him I refuse often. He cums to fast. He says he cums to fast because he goes for weeks and weeks without having sex. MEN IS THIS TRUE? 
absolutely
You guys have some serious problem to work out to move ahead but him cheating is not an answer at all. If that would not bother you you've problably already checked out of the relationship


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## landon33 (Jul 13, 2012)

loveless1213 said:


> 4. Because I do not enjoy sex with him I refuse often. He cums to fast. He says he cums to fast because he goes for weeks and weeks without having sex. MEN IS THIS TRUE?


Not true at all if you have control of your body. 

And he can't avoid using his teeth during cunnilingus! No excuse for that.

Sounds like a self-centered lover unfortunately. 

It is exceedingly easy for women to alternate sex partners if they choose to, therefore the onus is on a man to be a skillful and considerate lover; learn how to control and use his own body to his best advantage and also to learn the specific likes and dislikes of his partner in order to provide the utmost pleasure.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Man, reading your post I sure as hell wouldn't want to be your number 2.


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## needguidance (Aug 17, 2012)

loveless1213 said:


> 1. His approach. Sex always starts of the same boring way. Him brushing up against my butt, him giving me oral sex, or him stating “my **** is hard” or “I need some.” When he gives me oral sex, he uses to much teeth so I don’t want it anymore. I told him yet he still uses way to much teeth. When he says his **** is hard or that he needs some, I feel left out. No where in that does he include me, I would rather hear “You are so sexy. You have my **** hard.” Or
> I really need to make love to you right now.” All I am asking is to be included and to feel wanted not like his sole purpose for having sex with me is to please himself.
> 
> 2. When we have sex he stares at the headboard. I have to remind him where my face is. I asked him what is it “am I ugly,” he says no he’s just in the zone. I believe him because there are lots of guys after me and because I am so lonely and sexually frustrated I am considering finding my #2 since I have only had sex with one person. Staring at the headboard keeps him from connecting with me and at kissing me during sex and touching all over my body. I just lay there while he’s on top of me doing his business using my vagina. That’s exactly what it is. Using my vagina. I am being used because I get nothing in return. When he does kiss me I am really appalled because he puts spit everywhere.
> ...


1. First of all, I don't know why he would use his teeth at all when giving you oral. Ive never heard a woman request or show special interest in receiving oral with teeth added. That sounds painful. I understand that you want him to say the certain things you mentioned but when you address something to a man, you have to be VERY specific just like you were in this post. A problem can't be fixed if its not identified right? Do you get off when he gives you oral? If he never does then I don't see how its an issue that he's getting off, doesn't seem like you're being used. You have to be specific. I've had male friends who got divorced and they always say the ex mentioned romance. The issue is never addressed specifically! Then when they ask they say she mentioned "you've me for a while now, you should already know". If he already knew then it wouldn't be an issue in the first place! Communicate and be as specific as you were in this post.

2. That sounds horrible. Its nothing like looking in your significant others eyes while exchanging energy. Or kissing the lips or neck, tickle the ear a bit with the tongue. In the zone is a weak excuse and if that is the case thats could be why he's coming so fast. So focused on getting his rocks off that it happens quick. The kissing part I am starting to wonder. Are you saying like he is a wild kisser or just flat out bad? Too much saliva is bad in general. I shouldn't look like my mouth does after eating a greasy piece of chicken lol. Thats something you should have showed him early on, not this late in the game. It can still be changed but isn't he old of know how to kiss the right way?

3. Tell him! Let him know to take his time or no sex at all. It can't be the same all the time. Thats probably another reason why he's climaxing so fast, he's just going all out without mixing it up. Tell him you want a night of love making, slow grinding, sensual sex. Not the bang bang pow pow for once.

4. This can be an easy fix. He can either masturbate before y'all have sex, he can learn to train his body, control his breathing, or mix up the rabbit strokes with slow strokes in between and/or long strokes. Thats why its great to not stay in one position too long, too much focus which leads to easy ejaculation. And yes its very true. The longer you wait, the faster it takes. Some men can't perform after masturbating but its worth a shot. I suggest amping up the frequency to see if that works. If you get the same result, at least you know he's bsing you.

5. Tell him! See, from when I read I bet you address these as problems but you never tell him exactly what they are. Say hey, it would be more assuring to know that I am satisfying and I'd like it if you were more vocal. Tell him exactly what you said in your post. Make some noise to let you know its good. I always like to kiss the side of my W stomach, suck the nipples or bottom of her breast, hold her butt or smack it, or kiss her stomach. I always had a problem with moaning in the past, just thought it was weird but its cool if you add base to it. Definitely tell him to moan like a man lol. Dirty talk is good IF its used properly, and not disrespectful.

At the end of the day people tend forget things over time. When you first enter a relationship, everything comes natural but over time we either have to learn these things again. To sum it all up, if you really want to stay with this guy I suggest you start speaking up specifically about what you have problems with in detail, and train him to be who you want! With that said in the voice of the villain from Taken 1, "good luck".


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

:iagree::iagree::




Toffer said:


> Easy one
> 
> Don't cheat
> 
> ...


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

IndyTM said:


> Sounds like the two of us could have an awesome time together...
> I'd say if talking with him about all of the issues is getting you nowhere and he is against counseling, it is time to move on.




I had to check the url for this site for a second.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You cut him off for weeks at a time and you wonder why he's not the world's most skillful lover? That's like expecting a starving kid to have great table manners. Of course he's going to orgasm too quickly. He faithfully puts up with being cut off for weeks on end but you're ready to cheat because he looks at a headboard during sex?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

First don't cheat. Ever. It costs you part of your soul, and of he finds out a big part of his too.

Now, everyone else skipped to up and leave, which is just stupid. It's nowhere near that bad, but like anything worthwhile it takes work and time to get right.

Now your a mon with kids. Kids are a consequence of a relationship, they are also toxic to it if you let them take over. You and your husband are not getting enough 1:1 time. That time includes sex, but it Leo includes bring silly, paying games, sharing thrills, and just appreciating things with your partner. And that's is tie that needs o be done without kids.

Find a sitter.

Spend time together, even if it's jogging or bike riding or playing tennis or swimming or scrabble.

Now the sex part. Why is it that people think they can just be good at it without education? Why is it people don't spend time sharing what works, what interests them, and studying together?

Instead of viewing it like you are try this: it's a private couples project you are both going to do together, and the project is learn new sex moves, games, toys, turn ons etc. remember learning takes patience and practice.

Lots of practice, and the plus here is you get an orgasm during practice.

But just like learning to play piano, you won't hit the notes properly the first time. You gotta practice.

And just like piano,if you don't keep in practice you'll loose your tough and will need more practice.

Get some couples porn and try watching different stuff together. If anything looks interesting try it out, and practice a little.

Do not involve any other people. That's playing with fire while standing in a gasoline tank.

Get some books and read about new positions.

And he is right about one thing- if a guy hasn't had sex in a while he is going to go off too fast. A maximum of two days and I myself get a hair trigger.

But, you can work that into the schedule. Get him off in the morning and then jump him at night and you might find it works much better.

You need help, but he's working hard. That's a problem. Can you find another mom with kids around the same age and do swap sitting? She takes yours one afternoon or early evening, and you take hers another ?

Look. You've got yourself a trust worthy hard working guy. Don't screw that up by cheating or dumping him. Instead view him as a diamond in the rough that belongs to you to shape.

And you too are his diamond to shape. Listen to him and what he needs from you too, and then give it to him.

I recommend you read His Needs, Her Needs. Ideally together, but you can read it first and try some on your own.


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## loveless1213 (Oct 26, 2012)

thanx so much. ur advice really speaks to me. i have voiced my opinions/complained but I will admit I have not told him exactly what to say to turn me on. I guess I figured that he should know :-( how stupid of me


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

loveless1213 said:


> thanx so much. ur advice really speaks to me. i have voiced my opinions/complained but I will admit I have not told him exactly what to say to turn me on. I guess I figured that he should know :-( how stupid of me


Rule #1: We are men. Assume we don't know anything.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

loveless1213 said:


> thanx so much. ur advice really speaks to me. i have voiced my opinions/complained but I will admit I have not told him exactly what to say to turn me on. I guess I figured that he should know :-( how stupid of me


I've been married 12 years and I STILL have to tell my husband directions at times. There are times when what used to work, doesn't...so he needs to be told the new thing. Tell him what works and what doesn't. Like sinnister said... they're men. Assume they know nothing.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

married sex get boring time to comunicate .....play the good ,better ,best game.

have him give you oral and when he dose something grade it with a good ,better ,or best rating.

and tell him what you like to hear like how sexy you are .....but don't forget to act sexy. if he blasts off too soon just wait a little bit and start again with most if not all of the attention being on pleasing you!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If he's going "weeks and weeks" without sex and it's because you are rejecting him, you are making yourself his enemy. You can't expect him to treat you adoringly if you are treating him with neglect and rejection. If he daily called you "ugly", after a few months of that, how motivated would you be to satisfy his desires?


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