# New around here



## Lostation (Dec 11, 2010)

Hey all, this is basically a continuation of this thread...

Married and Lost

I started reading the nice guy book people mention and the N.U.T.S book.

A lot of that stuff sounds just about right.

Something from the N.U.T.S book also resonated with me, how one of the guys problems started to solve themselves once he started practicing the steps, mostly because he needed to work on himself.

I've already got some N.U.T.S in place and I know that it will take some work to fully stand by them. For those who don't know what N.U.T.S are Non-negotiable, unalterable, terms. 


Anyway, I told my wife pretty much everything in the 1st post from that thread, except the other woman thing. Actually the more I started thinking about the stuff in the book the more I realized I don't actually have feelings for the other person, if that makes sense. I'm paying a little more attention to me, I know that may seem like a quick turnaround but I guess I was already thinking about a lot of the stuff mentioned in those books and they just helped those feelings resurface.

The encounter went alright. We decided that we would work it out and she did mention that she will work on her biting remarks towards me, I can notice the difference in just 2 days. She is trying.

Her biggest issue with me was that my life didn't seem to change when the baby came around. Which I do understand, her life totally changed and I'm doing my best to keep on doing the same without ignoring them of course. I don't do anything selfish though so I was still a little unsettled. I exercise regularly (3x a week and it's not a N.U.T). I do the cooking and then get ready for work stuff (pack lunch, clothes ready, stuff like that) then we'll watch some T.V and I'll play with my son for a bit, I usually finish off the night by reading. So that's my basic routine, every other night we alternate and feed the baby at night. I like to go to bed earlier because I wake up early to feed the baby. I know women take longer to get ready so I figured this would be a great way to help her in the mornings. As far as baby stuff thats all I pretty much do. She does do most of the caretaking since I'm cooking or doing other stuff, and she gets ready for her stuff AND the baby's stuff for the next day. 

She says that she knows it's not rational to feel upset about me doing that stuff but she is. As you all can see I'm not out partying or doing totally selfish things.

I did mention how I felt we both needed to go out, together and by ourselves. We don't really have friends. She doesn't agree with this. No girls night out, no guys night out. My wife is essentially the only person I really talk to.

I had some of my N.U.T.S and I kinda failed on one of them. I want to take my son shopping with me and my brother but she said no, that she was already taking him and that he is her companion so she is not by herself. I did let her know I was upset about the fact that I seem to have to make a date to do something with my son.

This will be a work in progress.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Read your thread. Glad you found the books useful.

Gotta ask. Are you afraid of her and her reactions?

The sooner you simply stop giving her the reaction she expects the sooner she will stop displaying the reaction you expect from her.

Biggest and simplest suggestions I can make for you?

Learn how to push back, playfully, dismissively.

It sounds like at least 90% of the verbal freak-show that she regularly unleashes on you is absolutely and utterly meaningless and insignificant. She simply does it because you will take it.

In some ways you have trained her to just spout off at you. What she is doing IS NOT REASONABLE. 

So? Stop trying to reason with her to get her to stop.

She's bullying you bud, and you consistently send her the message that there are absolutely no consequences for her behavior.

Quick example with regard to your forgetting to stop for coffee. Next time she asks something similar, smile and say:
"No. I'll probably forget anyway, so no." Say it playfully. If she responds with the freakshow ... stick to your answer. If she smiles and laughs, odds are you aren't going to forget to get her coffee.

That's just an example. Basically you need to find a way to shake up your current dynamic without breaking it. 

I can tell you that I changed the way my wife dealt with me in less than 24 hours. I went the shock and awe route ... and I broke it. I took as much as I could and then I snapped. Don't let that happen if saving your marriage is your goal.

You don't need to be disrespectful, but you certainly shouldn't be a doormat.

Keep at it. Wish you the best. Remember it's a process, not an overall Pass/Fail. Sometimes will succeed, sometimes you will fail miserably. Just keep learning, and keep changing ... yourself. Do that and it's likely she will follow.


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## Lostation (Dec 11, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Read your thread. Glad you found the books useful.


Yes, I'm thoroughly enjoying them.



Deejo said:


> Gotta ask. Are you afraid of her and her reactions?
> 
> The sooner you simply stop giving her the reaction she expects the sooner she will stop displaying the reaction you expect from her.
> 
> ...


I think it's her reactions more than anything. 



Deejo said:


> It sounds like at least 90% of the verbal freak-show that she regularly unleashes on you is absolutely and utterly meaningless and insignificant. She simply does it because you will take it.


I certainly think so, I can do better though since I think I can do more stuff that doesn't compromise my N.U.T.S (Man I'm loving that book) and be more active.



Deejo said:


> In some ways you have trained her to just spout off at you. What she is doing IS NOT REASONABLE.
> 
> So? Stop trying to reason with her to get her to stop.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the advice




Deejo said:


> I can tell you that I changed the way my wife dealt with me in less than 24 hours. I went the shock and awe route ... and I broke it. I took as much as I could and then I snapped. Don't let that happen if saving your marriage is your goal.
> 
> You don't need to be disrespectful, but you certainly shouldn't be a doormat.


Congrats to you for making such a quick switch like that. I am certainly trying. Right now I'm still trying to figure out my own N.U.T.S, I agree with some in the book but I need to examine myself and find ones that are more personal as well.

For instance, one that I am struggling with is the fact the I don't really have any male friends to discuss these matters with. I don't really have a whole lot of male friends. I left a lot of them when I started dating my wife. But I'm also not sure if it was necessarily a bad thing since a lot of those friends drank a lot, partied a lot, were unfaithful to their wives, etc. Things I don't really want to be a part of. 

So now I need to try and build a relationship with other men that are more like minded. I have a friend in mind and my brother of course, but I think my brother. I need to reach out to my bro and establish that type of relationship. We talked a little bit today and we "vented" a bit. But there is just that nagging feeling at the back of my mind that whoever I tell my stuff too will tell someone else and then it will be common knowledge and everything will escalate. Trust issues I need to work with.


Deejo said:


> Keep at it. Wish you the best. Remember it's a process, not an overall Pass/Fail. Sometimes will succeed, sometimes you will fail miserably. Just keep learning, and keep changing ... yourself. Do that and it's likely she will follow.


Thanks again, I'm glad I found this site. I was stuck in a real bad place right before I started here and now I at least have hope.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I've been the very anxious mom who did not trust her h with the baby. He, too, was very irresponsible about a lot of things so it was extremely difficult for me to trust him with the kids when they were young. His parents were very careless, too, and they kept glass-block tables (with incredibly sharp edges) in the living room when toddlers visited, wanted the infants to sleep in old-fashioned cribs that have been proven unsafe, and left medications lying all over the place--so I didn't trust his folks, either (neither did his sisters, by the way, so it wasn't just me). 

If you look at things from your wife's point of view, you can see that she has no evidence to convince her you are trustworthy. You have professed your love and commitment to her, but you can't remember to do simple, routine things that keep a household orderly and attractive (I know you are working on this; I'm just painting the picture she probably has in her mind). How, then, can she trust you with a child who is totally and completely dependent on you for its survival? Keep in mind, also, that she is quite possibly terrified, too, b/c she feels 100% responsible for keeping the child alive as well--and she loves him so, so much that it is beyond terrifying to imagine the worst. 

I suspect that both of you need to change--you need to become more responsible and she needs to become less anxious. Talk to your medical doctor about your inability to follow through on simple adult tasks; maybe you have undiagnosed ADHD, for example. She may also be dealing with an anxiety disorder that wasn't as noticeable until the responsibility of motherhood pushed her over the edge (as it did me). She should talk to her doctor about this, and actually, the two of you should, together. Honestly, just standing up to her when it comes to your son may just make her push back, and you'll become bitter and resentful if she cannot trust the kids to anyone else and you are always "last in line" (as another dad called himself here). *Maybe* it will get better if you improve your reliability a lot; I don't know because my ex never tried. But at least have this dynamic in mind as you work to improve yourself and make changes, expecting change from your wife. 

Oh, and if this doesn't seem consistent with this thread, that's b/c I went back to your last one too. Sorry!


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