# Different sleep schedules causing grief.



## elef (Dec 3, 2014)

My husband gets up for work at 3:45am, so he goes to bed between 7 and 10. If it's around 10 I don't mind going to bed with him too much, but when he's going to bed between 7 and 9 I am usually still wide awake and have things I want to do; play video games with my friends who are just getting online; watch a movie/TV-show/do some online shopping etc. I hate laying in bed for hours because I have hypermobility and fibromyalgia so my joints and back/neck start aching. My husband gives me a really hard time about not coming to bed with him. Last night I went to bed with him and helped sooth him to sleep like he asks me to most nights, then after he fell asleep around 8pm I got out of bed because I was wide awake and restless. 
Today, he saw that I had been online after he had gone to sleep and was angry that I had gotten out of bed after he had dozed off. It's 5:40pm, I was preparing dinner but now he has gone to bed and is refusing to speak to me because he is so angry at me. Am I in the wrong? Should I be going to bed when he does? I do everything he asks, but I struggle to sleep on a daily basis and usually have to take a Benadryl just to knock me out. Last night it was 3am before I finally fell asleep, and at 4am he woke me up asking me to make him coffee. I refused because I was so tired and he got angry at me for that too..


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You'll do better to keep to one thread, I think. Or at least link them. 

Your husband is an ass. That was established in your other thread. Your compromise of going to bed and then getting up when he falls asleep seems reasonable. His silent treatment and getting angry isn't useful to resolve any dispute there might be. 

So what are you willing to do about all this? 

C


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## elef (Dec 3, 2014)

PBear said:


> You'll do better to keep to one thread, I think. Or at least link them.
> 
> Your husband is an ass. That was established in your other thread. Your compromise of going to bed and then getting up when he falls asleep seems reasonable. His silent treatment and getting angry isn't useful to resolve any dispute there might be.
> 
> ...


I wanted to make a new thread as it was a separate issue from the other and I wanted fresh opinions on this new issue. He'll be over it tomorrow, but I get so anxious while he's angry at me.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

elef said:


> I wanted to make a new thread as it was a separate issue from the other and I wanted fresh opinions on this new issue. He'll be over it tomorrow, but I get so anxious while he's angry at me.


Have you ever researched the symptoms and signs of abusive relationships?

My advice, talk to a counsellor or someone trained in dealing with abused women. Keep in mind your setting your kids up for the next generation, as they'll likely follow in your footsteps. So it's not just for your sake.

C


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## elef (Dec 3, 2014)

PBear said:


> Have you ever researched the symptoms and signs of abusive relationships?
> 
> My advice, talk to a counsellor or someone trained in dealing with abused women. Keep in mind your setting your kids up for the next generation, as they'll likely follow in your footsteps. So it's not just for your sake.
> 
> C


We saw a counselor for a few weeks, then the counselor just disappeared. Also we don't have kids. I'm 22 and he's 21 and I'm living thousands of miles away from home.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

elef said:


> We saw a counselor for a few weeks, then the counselor just disappeared. Also we don't have kids. I'm 22 and he's 21 and I'm living thousands of miles away from home.


That's one bit of good news, then.

So what about researching abusive relationships?

C


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## elef (Dec 3, 2014)

PBear said:


> That's one bit of good news, then.
> 
> So what about researching abusive relationships?
> 
> C


Yeah I've researched it a lot, and we have both admitted to it being what it is in the past. He did improve a lot, but lately it's like he's just turning back to his old ways and he seems to think I deserve it and doesn't think he's an ass at all, it's crazy. I told my friend just now that I'm going to treat him the same as he treats me, and if I don't want to do something I'm going to stand up for myself and if he doesn't like it then it's all down to him because I'll be a product of his behavior. We'll see how that goes..


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

It's pretty common for abusers to fail to change. After all, it's hard work, and based on past behaviour, you're not going to do anything about it anyway. 

As in your other thread... You need some hard boundaries, and you need to be willing to enforce them. 

C


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## elef (Dec 3, 2014)

PBear said:


> It's pretty common for abusers to fail to change. After all, it's hard work, and based on past behaviour, you're not going to do anything about it anyway.
> 
> As in your other thread... You need some hard boundaries, and you need to be willing to enforce them.
> 
> C


Yeah, I definitely feel like this is the point now where I need to stick up for myself and see if I'm really that important to him. Maybe I'll listen to some angry music to get me pumped haha. Limp Bizkit - My Way Or The Highway


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I just read your other thread and I worry about his reaction when you put your foot down. If he blows up, do you have a safe place to go? A way to get there? Enough money to keep you going for a while? Do you have any friends close by that can help you out? 

Are you going home for the holidays at all? Talk to your family about what's going on. I'm sure they would want to help you out.


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## elef (Dec 3, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I just read your other thread and I worry about his reaction when you put your foot down. If he blows up, do you have a safe place to go? A way to get there? Enough money to keep you going for a while? Do you have any friends close by that can help you out?
> 
> Are you going home for the holidays at all? Talk to your family about what's going on. I'm sure they would want to help you out.


I have people who would help me out but I have no phone or anything if he ever did become violent again (fingers crossed he won't, his last bout of physical violence was back in May). My family know about him being abusive but respected that I wanted to give it another shot. I would tell them if he went back to his old ways but I'm hoping this current behavior is just a temporary relapse due to stress with his work (he's working 14 hour shifts 7 days a week). My family are in another country though, so it does make it difficult.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Can you get a basic landline? Or a pay as you go (check with your 911 service, where I am they can still make a 911 call even when out of minutes) 
I'm glad you have support and a way out if needed. You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells to avoid his anger. 
If I could tell you what to do, I'd say leave now and don't wait to see if he gets worse.


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## abe7333 (Sep 27, 2014)

I think you need to tell him that he nees to be more understanding. You also need to understand that he has needs. maybe compromise and lay with him 3 nights a week and other nights he needa to leave you alone? give it a try. Sometimes you have to do things tk make other person happy. But, that goes both ways.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

elef said:


> I have people who would help me out but I have no phone or anything if he ever did become violent again (fingers crossed he won't, his last bout of physical violence was back in May). My family know about him being abusive but respected that I wanted to give it another shot. I would tell them if he went back to his old ways but I'm hoping this current behavior is just a temporary relapse due to stress with his work (he's working 14 hour shifts 7 days a week). My family are in another country though, so it does make it difficult.


You are 22 and your husband is 21. He's working 14 hour shifts 7 days a week. He is very fatigued. Do you work? It seems that you have a sleeping disorder and going online will add further to your problems when he is at home.

I married my husband at 22; husband at 24. That was 35 years ago. I am a professional woman and have very long hours. In the early years of my career, I pulled as many days and hours as your husband. My husband also pulled long hours in his career. Disagreements can be very intense as we were simply fatigued.

I recommend that you and your husband have a downtime before going to bed. Soothing beverages such as herbal teas (without caffeine) or hot chocolate can be helpful. Use this time to bond together by talking about your day.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

elef said:


> I have people who would help me out but I have no phone or anything if he ever did become violent again (fingers crossed he won't, his last bout of physical violence was back in May). My family know about him being abusive but respected that I wanted to give it another shot. I would tell them if he went back to his old ways but I'm hoping this current behavior is just a temporary relapse due to stress with his work (he's working 14 hour shifts 7 days a week). My family are in another country though, so it does make it difficult.


After reading your other thread, you need OUT.


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## elef (Dec 3, 2014)

Roselyn said:


> You are 22 and your husband is 21. He's working 14 hour shifts 7 days a week. He is very fatigued. Do you work? It seems that you have a sleeping disorder and going online will add further to your problems when he is at home.
> 
> I married my husband at 22; husband at 24. That was 35 years ago. I am a professional woman and have very long hours. In the early years of my career, I pulled as many days and hours as your husband. My husband also pulled long hours in his career. Disagreements can be very intense as we were simply fatigued.
> 
> I recommend that you and your husband have a downtime before going to bed. Soothing beverages such as herbal teas (without caffeine) or hot chocolate can be helpful. Use this time to bond together by talking about your day.



I can't work. I have always been a night owl, since I was a child. We don't have downtime. He comes home and immediately puts his headset on to Skype his friends and drinks wine, beer, rum, whatever he can get his hands on.


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## elef (Dec 3, 2014)

abe7333 said:


> I think you need to tell him that he nees to be more understanding. You also need to understand that he has needs. maybe compromise and lay with him 3 nights a week and other nights he needa to leave you alone? give it a try. Sometimes you have to do things tk make other person happy. But, that goes both ways.


I already do this. I do everything he asks me to, including whoring myself out over the internet for his pleasure.


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