# Wife claims to want intimacy, but lacks the arousal to obtain it.



## DaveWalters (Aug 26, 2013)

My wife of more than a dozen years began showing resistance to intimacy when the first of our children were born. Over the years, I heard the full gantlet of “excuses”, and I emphasize the word ‘excuses’ because I do concede that issues of childbirth, exhaustion, stress, breastfeeding, body image, and many other things do take away from a woman’s ability to feel sexual. I get the whole men/woman arousal thing, or at least I think I do.

Now, having come to grips with that, and seeing that our oldest now walking, talking, and wiping their own butt, I’m a feeling a little disenfranchised that orgasms are still only arriving at my house at the rate of 3 per month.

My opinion is well known here, and our lack of sex is attributed to her lack of arousal. When I say “attributed to”, I mean that I’m blamed for not being able to arouse her. 

Now, ok… I admit, I’m a guy, and yes, I do have realistic expectations. I understand that most human females require slightly more stimulation that what’s seen in the first 4 minutes of a porn scene in order to enter a sexual mindset. I know their brain is their most powerful sex organ, and they need stimulation. But after you’ve worshipped them, complemented them, spent the day with them, gave them non-sexual affectionate touching, made them dinner, put the kids to bed for them, gave her some personal unwind time, isn’t there a reasonable expectation that a sufficient number of barriers would have been removed that a wife would be willing to be intimate with her husband? Or at least proceed into the foreplay stage?

Is a little touching/kissing/2nd base/3rd base really so much to ask for between to people in a committed relationship?

I know some are in sexless marriages and have it worse off than me, but I not feeling satisfied with 3 times per month. I want more. I want a healthy vigorous sex life.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Have you brought up mc or asked her to go get her hormones checked? If you were shot down on both then... sigh... you have to consider other options such as possible divorce.


----------



## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Is she a stay home mom or does she work?

Looking back at my own life - the time I had young kids was the least sexy time of my life. Its not sexy to have toddlers. Its emotionally exhausting. I remember falling into bed at night fully having had it with being touched by the children all day. If my husband started to move across the bed towards me I wanted to cry. It felt like he wanted to just take more from me and I had nothing left to give.

However - the first time I got away with him for the weekend without the kids - total hedonism. I could eat what I wanted when I wanted, I could nap, I could read for hours. Drink and still feel responsible. It was awesome. I recommend. 

Also its quite possible this wont last forever.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She says she wants intimacy. What's she doing to try to improve intimacy? Breathing and waiting doesn't qualify for making an effort. Someone who makes no effort has little interest, regardless of what they say.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

MissScarlett said:


> Is she a stay home mom or does she work?
> 
> Looking back at my own life - the time I had young kids was the least sexy time of my life. Its not sexy to have toddlers. Its emotionally exhausting. I remember falling into bed at night fully having had it with being touched by the children all day. If my husband started to move across the bed towards me I wanted to cry. It felt like he wanted to just take more from me and I had nothing left to give.
> 
> ...


This is a good point. Have you had the grandparents babysit so you could take her eh for a long weekend at a nice hotel, she could maybe use a break.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Men have sex on the brains!

No, seriously... 

Men, because of how their penis grows erect and then shoots out neat stuff, have grown up with this immediate and obvious feedback loop and studies have shown that it is THIS very feedback loop that promotes the neural pathways creating an effective and immediate sexual response to pretty much anything. Men have wired their own brains for constant sexual readiness.

Women, on the other hand, have these tiny little clitorises that are hidden beneath folds of tissue. While the clitoris does engorge, like it's penile counter point, it's not by much and it never shoots out anything. Then, to top it all off, girls are actively taught not to touch and not to ever allow someone else to touch, in fact most girls can't tell you where a clitoris is located. So we women don't have the immediate feedback loop that men have, and we have societal pressure to actually inhibit the feedback loop thus inhibiting our sexual arousal.

But biology rules or over rules and we women usually do end up finding a way to become sexually aroused, particularly when the right man finally comes along. But it doesn't stay that way.

Real life sets in and the hot sexy girl friend has become someone's wife, and wives are usually seen in a rather virtuous light (meaning not sexy) and then the wife becomes a MOTHER and mothers are never sexy! In fact, mothers are virgins! The blessed virgin mother, the epitome of virtuousness!!!! Pathetic!

Sorry for the lecture but I'm in a mood so bear with me almost done here...

So, your wife has almost no sex drive, doesn't get aroused much and though you done say I'm thinking it's a bit of an effort for you to get her off when she does consent...right?

First, your wife needs to take responsibility for her sex drive. She needs to understand that this is a real, vital, integral part of marriage and with out the regular reinforcement of the bond she is expecting something for nothing. You mentioned that you have hit all the top emotional needs a typical woman has, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, household support, financial support and you say you're not a d!ck so that's a bonus too. Your wife is having all of her needs met while ignoring your most important emotional need, the need for physical intimacy via sex.

It is unfair of her to only agree to sex so in frequently. It would not harm her to agree much more often, in fact it would help her.

When women become mothers, their sex drive typically nose dives for a couple of years. They have to fight to get it back. That means she has to accept her part in her sex drive. But remember I explained about about that tiny little clitoris compared to the large penis and the feedback loop. Well for her adult life, arousal was something that just happened, she's never had to work at it. She was praised for ignoring her arousal and remaining chaste, and not playing with herself in public MUCH like little boys are want to do...you don't see little girls doing it now do ya! Anyway it comes as a shocker to a lot of women that they can control their sex drive.

You need to be honest with your wife and tell her this is not something you can live with, how unhappy and rejected you feel, and how your very valid need for sex with her is not something you can indefinitely ignore while she waits to get her sex drive back.

She can open the doors to you, pleasantly, while she works on getting her sex drive back. If she doesn't know how...send her here! There are many other women here who are working on building it back.


----------



## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

I am really affected by stress and lack of sleep. If either of these problems arise my body shuts down the whole arousal process, no amount of foreplay can get me going. My husband and I hired a twelve year old girl to watch our kids while I napped two to three times a week. I was resistant to this at first because it made me feel so lazy to be napping midday when I could be doing chores or playing with the kids. It really did help immensely to be well rested, then you are able to bring down the stress levels. I still struggle with sleep issues now eventhough the kids are older, and I still nap a few times a week. It can take some time to learn how to relax if you are a tightly wound personality type.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Giro flee said:


> I am really affected by stress and lack of sleep. If either of these problems arise my body shuts down the whole arousal process, no amount of foreplay can get me going. My husband and I hired a twelve year old girl to watch our kids while I napped two to three times a week. I was resistant to this at first because it made me feel so lazy to be napping midday when I could be doing chores or playing with the kids. It really did help immensely to be well rested, then you are able to bring down the stress levels. I still struggle with sleep issues now eventhough the kids are older, and I still nap a few times a week. It can take some time to learn how to relax if you are a tightly wound personality type.


Love your husband!

I bet that was hard for you to accept at first but you made that choice because you knew your marriage needed a well rested YOU!

That's awesome!


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Dave,
Many women require some level of 'emotional excitement' to want sex. Being nice/kind/helpful beyond a certain point actually reduces desire for many women - at some level it comes across to them as defferent/subservient behavior. 

It comes across from you to her as: 'I don't deserve you' and causes her to think: he doesn't deserve me. 

Huge turn off. 

------
What have you done to make yourself more attractive to 'women' in general? 

If your wife filed for divorce tomorrow and you knew she was absolutely going to follow through:
- do you think other women would be interested in dating you as you are today? 
- if not, what would/could you do to be more attractive to a typical woman? 

What have you done to assert your right to prioritize yourself even when knowing she won't like it? 

For instance the same wives who depriorotize a husbands sexual needs also tend to do the same thing with his desire to pursue independent activities/sports/hobbies/socialize independently with friends. 

They always have a reason: and it's always about them. I am not talking about going out with friends to a singles bar and drinking, I am talking about a sport or hobby with friends or people in a hobby club. 

As for her excuses:
- her body image is her problem, and you should have the guts to tell her that you are not ok with her: choosing not to get in shape AND hiding behind her body image issues. 
- stop feeding into other dishonest conversations - headache, stomach ache, tired, etc. 

And Dave - you need to be honest with yourself about what has happened. After child one - you got deprioritized. Instead of insisting on decent treatment before adding kids, you had more. You have now set a bad precedent for a long time. 





DaveWalters said:


> My wife of more than a dozen years began showing resistance to intimacy when the first of our children were born. Over the years, I heard the full gantlet of “excuses”, and I emphasize the word ‘excuses’ because I do concede that issues of childbirth, exhaustion, stress, breastfeeding, body image, and many other things do take away from a woman’s ability to feel sexual. I get the whole men/woman arousal thing, or at least I think I do.
> 
> Now, having come to grips with that, and seeing that our oldest now walking, talking, and wiping their own butt, I’m a feeling a little disenfranchised that orgasms are still only arriving at my house at the rate of 3 per month.
> 
> ...


----------



## ShyEnglishman (Aug 23, 2013)

DaveWalters said:


> My wife of more than a dozen years began showing resistance to intimacy when the first of our children were born.


Did the childbirth go exactly as per the book?

I ask this because my wife has just given birth to our second child, and it most certainly did not go by the book, and now she is physically injured in very sensitive places.

Now here's the thing. She has been told that one month after the regular health visitor is happy that the wounds have healed, she will be referred to a gynacologist to check that all is well. Apparently they've only recently started doing this after it transpired that many, many women who went through the same thing suffered in silence for years, with badly healed wounds. A situation that we're told can be treated with minor surgery if necessary, but that will cause pain and discomfort if ignored.

Of course that's only one possible situation. The other obvious one is post natal depression. My wife suffered from this after the birth of our first child, and I'm ashamed to admit I didn't even realise. To be fair though, neither did she. She was diagnosed over a year later when she went to the doctors to find out why she was so tired all the time.

It could be neither of these things, but if it was my wife, I'd want to rule out the obvious on my quest to resolve the problem. You said your wife wants it but doesn't get aroused, so its not like she is simply not interested.

In what way is she not aroused? Sorry to be graphic but I think there are many potential things here. Is she getting mentally/emotionally turned on/horny, but her body is not responding? Or is she not getting turned on at all. In either case, I think a doctor is the right person to ask. The former sounds physical. Perhaps a hormone imbalance. The latter maybe more psychological. If she is all fired up but not, sorry to be graphic, wet, then why not resort to lubes. You can buy 'proper' ones for that purpose, or you can just use some regular skin moisturisers. I sometimes do that with my wife, but combine it with a massage, deliberately taking ages and ages over it til she is nearly bursting with anticipation.


----------

