# A Not so Happy New Year



## CaliBound (Jan 2, 2013)

This is how I rang in the New Year...

At 11:50pm New Years Eve I catch my H texting. He said he was texting a "friend".I asked "a woman?" and he said "Yes, just a friend from work". He refused to tell me his friends name.I end up taking his phone, Hoping another text would come in since he quickly deleted all texts. Sure enough,one did. I saw it was describing something about body paint on her body. 
I saw her name appear on the texts. I quickly wrote that down so I wouldn't forget it. And decided to press call on his phone.
She answered, and when she heard my voice she hung up. I phoned 2 more times and both went to voice mail.
I was livid. I ended up texting the president of his company who I've met several times to let him know that so&so was having an affair with my H. 
The OW is married and has a 10-11 month old son.
The H had to leave the house that night. With just the clothes on his back. The worst part was our 2 children witness everything. Daughter is 12, son is 10. My father who was visiting from out of state also saw all that went down. I'm so glad he was here with me. He helped me so much in the days after. 
We had a counseling appt yesterday went ok. He says there was no PA only texting. It definitely was an EA. He says they began chatting and texting about 4 months ago, and eventually the topics became inappropriate. 
I am so hurt that he would do this to our family. Especially knowing what the consequences would be. I don't know if it was really 100% not physical. I had to get an Rx for sleeping pills because I hadn't slept for 2 days. 
I really want to inform her husband. I think it's only fair for him to know. 
The pain is unbearable. 
I'm glad I found this site. I can't believe how often this happens. How can women be so hurtful to other women knowing it can ruin children's lives?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Do you believe him? Far more often than not people cover up what really happened. Has he given full and unlimited access to texts, calls and emails? If not, you can conclude with near 100% certainty there is much more to the affair.

Have you informed the husband of the OW? He has a right to know. It also might be interesting to see what the OW says to him and if it jives with what your husband is telling you.

Although I am not a fan of polygraph, you may tell him if he wants to stay and try and work it out he either takes one or confesses all now. And if you find via the polygraph he lied, then marriage over.

Lastly, there needs to be some accountability set in place.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The biggest reason to tell her husband is then he can bust the affair from his end. Best if things can be watched from both ends.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

CaliBound said:


> This is how I rang in the New Year...
> 
> At 11:50pm New Years Eve I catch my H texting. He said he was texting a "friend".I asked "a woman?" and he said "Yes, just a friend from work". He refused to tell me his friends name.I end up taking his phone, Hoping another text would come in since he quickly deleted all texts. Sure enough,one did. I saw it was describing something about body paint on her body.
> I saw her name appear on the texts. I quickly wrote that down so I wouldn't forget it. And decided to press call on his phone.
> ...


The OW owes you nothing, she didn't take vows with you, she didn't have children with you, she didn't build a family & a life with you.
Your husband is the one who should have the full brunt of your anger, he's the one who shattered your world & broke his vows to you.
Focus your energy on him & how he's going to do the heavy lifting to repair your marriage & stop thinking about how the OW wronged you.
The only one who wronged you was your husband. 

I would fully expose the OW to her husband, you've already contacted your husband's boss, might as well keep going.
Exposure helps to end affairs because it takes the mystery & allure out of the darkness & shines the bright light of reality smack dab in the face.
Read the stickies posted for the newbies, it will help you out a lot.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Whether or not you want to reconcile, you have to change. This was wriiten by a man but it still applies to you.

* Originally Posted by marduk 
I happened to be thinking today about the past year of my marriage. Everyone on these forums were so instrumental in my being in the great place I am today I thought I would post a note about where I was, where I am, and what I’ve learned.

A year ago my marriage was a mess. After 3 kids my stay at home wife spontaneously decided to start going out with her girlfriends again, including a “girls trip” to Vegas. She started a crazy fitness routine, including marathon running and triathalons. She started leaving me at home with the kids 2-3 evenings a week. A rough summer. I was insecure, controlling, alone, and afraid.

Thanks in part to the folks on this forum, life is much better now. My wife only goes out with her friends maybe once a month, and the last time she did, she came home early, threw her arms around me, and told me she’s so happy she gets to come home to me. She goes to the gym maybe once or twice a week for an hour or so in the early evening. When she does leave on races out of town the whole family will go on a camping trip together so we can be there for her at the finish line. The stress level in the house is much lower, and our happiness and respect for each other is much higher. Are things perfect? No – we still fight, have conflict, and disagree. But they’re shorter-lived, not has hostile, and just plain don’t seem to hurt so much. What’s changed? Me. Here’s what I learned:

1. Let her go. You can fight, hold her back, be controlling… and you’ll just look petty, insecure, and weak. Be cool, act secure, give her a kiss and say “have fun.” If she’s going to cheat or leave, she’s going to cheat or leave. It’s better if it happens sooner rather than later in my book. A marriage is a choice, a decision that’s made one day at a time. You’re in or out. This was really, really hard. But I've learned that nothing lasts forever, life is change. We can grow together or apart. I can't force her to decide to want to be with me.

2. Set boundaries, and then stick to them. I found in my marriage that it wasn’t ok to say “I don’t want you to do that” but it was ok to say “would you be ok with me doing that?” And then hold her to it. 9 times out of 10 the behaviour would go away on its own if I stuck to it. For example: if it was ok for her to be gone 2-3 nights a week so would I. After a couple of weeks she was dying to sit on the couch and watch a movie after we spent the evening with the kids together. Conversely, if it's within your boundaries, be cool with it. I started to let her off the hook for minor annoyances a lot more which cooled the stress levels.

3. Be ok with losing her. Seriously. After one of our last bad fights before things got better, I reconciled myself to thinking this might be it. The end of our marriage and little family. I thought out how things would be living on my own, sharing custody of the kids, etc. And as tough as it would be, made peace with it. It wouldn’t kill me, it wouldn’t kill my kids. Very negative experience and one I’d like to avoid at all costs, but we would survive. This changed my attitude and clinginess significantly… and to be blunt scared the hell out of my wife. Just last month she told me “I think you’d be more ok without me than I’d be without you.” And for our marriage, that balance of neediness works. I think it’s an alpha male thing, not sure but it seems to work.

4. Do my own thing. I’m out at least once or twice a week doing martial arts, yoga, weights, cross-fit, trail running, hanging with buddies… you name it. Gives me perspective and gives my wife time to miss me. And I’m in kick ass shape compared to last year, and now instead of me worrying about my wife getting hit on I’m having to deal with having her be upset because other women check me out when we go out. I’m going on a weekend martial arts training camp… and my wife couldn’t say a word after going to Vegas last year. Another thing: I make sure I either do something fun with the kids when she goes out (she’ll have to decide if it’s more important to miss out on family fun or friend fun) or I have fun while she’s out. Even something stupid like a scotch and cigar in the back yard when the kids go to bed so I can kick back and listen to the complete lack of complaining about the cigar stink. Ahh…

5. Be a father to our children. Not just “quality” time but real time. Conversations, walks in the park, helping with homework, taking them to soccer, etc. all seemed to help big time. Not just with my wife, but with all of us. And I also found my “father voice,” the voice of discipline and reason in the family. My kids listen to me a lot more, not in fear, but they know they have to listen. Now my wife comes to me when the kids don’t listen to her, not the other way around.

6. Get some buddies. Guys need close guy friends to do guy stuff. Complain about their wives. Be stupid and macho. Whatever that means to you, it worked wonders for me.

7. Fight different. Walk away rather than blow up. Mean what you say and stand up to it. For example, if I threaten that if she keeps doing x that means I'll do y, then I bloody well do y if she does x. This had two effects: I thought about what I said more, and so did my wife. I think my wife has a need to be able to hold me at my word, even if that’s a bad thing. Not sure why. Using few words in a fight, slowly and quietly while looking her directly in the eye seems to also work. Once it’s said, don’t repeat it. It is what it is.

8. Act from a place of strength. I don’t think my wife wants a weakling. She may say that she’ll want me to be more intimate, vulnerable, etc… I think that’s actually BS. Or at least that she doesn’t mean weak or actually vulnerable. If you have flaws or weaknesses either accept it and move on or fix it. I don’t let my wife try to fix my flaws any more. If she brings something up and tries to fix it I’ll ask her to mind her own business (gently). Not a behaviour that impacts her, those I’ll always try to listen to her on. But I don't let her judge me or try to live up to her expectations any more. I define myself, I don't let her do that for me.

9. Be decisive. Again I think this is an alpha male thing. Make plans. I planned a few date nights, and didn’t ask what she wanted to do. Instead I planned stuff I thought might be fun for us, and asked if she was having a good time. She was, especially if it was stuff she didn’t normally like to do (one time we went to a tattoo expo – I have one small tattoo and she has none – but got us out of our element and we had a blast!) Now if she asks me “what do you want to do” I answer with what I want. Works in bed too – I just made sure she felt comfortable in saying “no.” Don’t bully, be decisive and adaptable.

10. Know what I want from life. This is hard in today’s world. I had to pull my head out of my ass and figure out that I don’t want to sit on the couch every night and watch TV. So now I don’t. At least not every night.

11. Do more macho stuff. Fix something around the house. Dig a big hole in the back yard and plant a tree. Fixing her car, for example, seemed to turn a light bulb on in my wife’s head that reminded me that I’m a man and not one of her girlfriends.

So that’s my list. Hope it helps some of the guys out there. Your mileage may vary, and my marriage may still fail, but I’m in a much better spot in the past year than I have been in a long, long time.

Thanks for everything!*


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Try to verify what you can by looking at the phone bill, see how many calls and texts were exchanged, how frequent, what time of day, when they started.

If they were having an "emotional" affair for four months, it probably was a physical affair as well. Emotional affairs where the partners have daily access to each other turn into physical affairs very quickly - weeks, if not days - no way it went four months without becoming physical if they work together.

Tell him his story does not make sense on those grounds and you refuse to believe it. Tell him you can't believe he cares for you so little that not only would he cheat on you, but then he would tell you a story that a six-year-old wouldn't believe. How insulting to your intelligence! If he insists on sticking with his story, ask him if he would be willing to take a polygraph to prove he is telling the truth.

Buy a voice-activated recorder and some heavy-duty velcro and put it under the front seat of his car. You will catch him talking to her and then you will know the truth of the matter.

Expose the affair to her husband. Keep him informed as to whether or not they remain in contact.

How do you expect to be able to live knowing that he sees her at work every day? What is stopping them both from continuing the affair?

Did he delete her from his phone, block her on Facebook? Have you asked him to handwrite her a no contact letter?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

CaliBound said:


> I really want to inform her husband. I think it's only fair for him to know.
> 
> How can women be so hurtful to other women knowing it can ruin children's lives?


Call him and let him know. Don't tell your husband you plan on doing this, just do it.

Try to focus on your husband and his bad decisions. You have enough to handle there. Other woman probably has her own twisted broken life to be cheating with a married man 6 months after she gave birth.

I'm guessing your husband was in it for sex, her for some emotional need. That's not a given by any means, but usually how it plays out. If so, don't expect her to give up your husband so easily - she'll try to reel him back in.

How do you know they ended the affair and don't contact each other?

What is your husband's attitude toward this whole thing? What is his reason for it? Does he say it's your fault?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Call the OW husband immediately. She's spinning a tale about a "crazy jealous" wife of a coworker who accuses every one of being after her husband. Dispel this notion by being calm, offer evidence.


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## CaliBound (Jan 2, 2013)

I don't have access to phone bills, texts,etc. because he is using the cell phone supplied by his work. I did tell him that if something did happen physically now is the time to come clean. He says it was not a physical relationship. 
She has sent him a text message telling him they could not talk anymore..."too much drama". That's what he told me anyway. 
He insists it was a friend just to talk to( because he doesn't have many friends) and the topics they chatted about started to get intimate. I guess the only way to know for sure would be for me to read the texts myself. 
Is is possible to get those if they'd been erased and the phone is a work issued phone?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Don't mess with his work phone. 
Call the H of the OW and inform him. Tell him that your H admits to an EA that has been conducted for months. Ask him to see if she too has deleted the texts. 

You have to know she is furiously scrubbing her phone. But if she isn't using a work phone he can dig into it.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

CaliBound said:


> I was livid. I ended up texting the president of his company who I've met several times to let him know that so&so was having an affair with my H.


This part impresses me the most out of all the things you did in reaction to what you saw. What response, if any did you get from the Company President? Was there any fall out?


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## CaliBound (Jan 2, 2013)

The Middleman said:


> This part impresses me the most out of all the things you did in reaction to what you saw. What response, if any did you get from the Company President? Was there any fall out?


I did not get a reply directly from him since I sent the text from the H's cell phone. I was so mad that I went through his contacts and just sent it. 

The H was called into a meeting with his boss (the one I talked to on the phone) and the Pres of the company. They also had to get HR involved since it was 2 employees. 

There is a chance they may lose their jobs. Not sure what company policy is regarding inappropriate texts with work phone etc.


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

CaliBound said:


> I did not get a reply directly from him since I sent the text from the H's cell phone. I was so mad that I went through his contacts and just sent it.
> 
> The H was called into a meeting with his boss (the one I talked to on the phone) and the Pres of the company. They also had to get HR involved since it was 2 employees.
> 
> There is a chance they may lose their jobs. Not sure what company policy is regarding inappropriate texts with work phone etc.


Since the company obviously doesn't want a stink raised about this, you may be able to negotiate with them to get the SMS logs from your husband's work phone.

Also, what is their relationship to one another in terms of the company's chain of command. Is either the subordinate or are they both equal?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

CaliBound said:


> I did not get a reply directly from him since I sent the text from the H's cell phone. I was so mad that I went through his contacts and just sent it.
> 
> The H was called into a meeting with his boss (the one I talked to on the phone) and the Pres of the company. They also had to get HR involved since it was 2 employees.
> 
> ...


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

Read the newbie thread above , it give guidance in dealing with affairs and a wayward spouse
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

CaliBound said:


> I did not get a reply directly from him since I sent the text from the H's cell phone. I was so mad that I went through his contacts and just sent it.
> 
> The H was called into a meeting with his boss (the one I talked to on the phone) and the Pres of the company. They also had to get HR involved since it was 2 employees.
> 
> There is a chance they may lose their jobs. Not sure what company policy is regarding inappropriate texts with work phone etc.


Now this is very interesting and it's a lesson that some BS's need to learn about contacting the company when there is an affair with a co-worker. Companies, particularly large companies, react to this kind of stuff. So many BS's are scared sh!tless to do this, but in my experience, it has a negative impact on the cheaters in most cases. I commend you for doing it, despite the potential negative economic implication it could have on you. How irate did your husband get?

Edit: If the company does a full investigation, they will take the phones and search the logs ... that's just standard procedure. As an executive, I've been in the middle of this type of thing several times. (not my phone of course)


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Wow- so sorry you are going through this. Horrible way to find out. I had a similar discovery day. Went about that fast too. Marriage blowup in seconds. I'm sure you are numb, scared, pissed,hurt and panic stricken. Now is the time to protect yourself mentally and the kids. 

Is he in love with her? I've discovered that you can lay all these boundaries around your marriage complete with rules to protect your marriage but unless they are willing to repair the marriage it's like getting a job as a prison guard. 

He needs to come clean, figure out why he engaged in this behavior (non of the blame the spouse crud) and work with you to fix this. Assuming you want it to be fixed and it's too soon for you to really know. Give yourself at least 6 months to figure out what you want to do. 

Your world is going to be askew for a bit......it's going to be hard to shut your mind off from thinking about it all and trying to make sense of it. I saw it once described as trying to do a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle in the dark with 15 extra pieces. Nothing is going to make sense.....and that's ok for now.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

CaliBound said:


> This is how I rang in the New Year...
> 
> At 11:50pm New Years Eve I catch my H texting. He said he was texting a "friend".I asked "a woman?" and he said "Yes, just a friend from work". He refused to tell me his friends name.I end up taking his phone, Hoping another text would come in since he quickly deleted all texts. Sure enough,one did. I saw it was describing something about body paint on her body.
> I saw her name appear on the texts. I quickly wrote that down so I wouldn't forget it. And decided to press call on his phone.
> ...


Dear CaliBound,

I am very sorry for your situation. This will be one of the hardest things you ever have to face, the pain will last a long time and, whatever happens, it will change you profoundly.

No one can tell you what you need to do or give you a prescription that fixes things but, based on the experience of many others who have faced similar problems, here are a few pointers that might help you.

1. Don't make any quick decisions. Give yourself time to learn and process what has happened, consider what is best for you and your children, speak to family and close friends about it, listen to the advice you get on TAM (but make up your own mind since no two situations are exactly the same), and think about getting individual counseling to help you deal with the pain this is causing you. Maybe you will eventually decide to give your WH husband another chance and maybe you won't, but don't make that decision until you have your emotions in check and know what you really want. This may take several months or even longer. Don't rush it.

2. Whatever you eventually decide to do, it is essential that your WH end his affair. This requires certain things:

- First, that he send a "no contact" letter to the OW. The letter should state that your WH intends not to contact the OW ever again and asks that she not contact him. It should also contain an expression of guilt from your WH (e.g., "what we did was wrong") and make it clear that he is breaking off with her because he wants to try to save his marriage. You should read the letter to satisfy yourself with it and then mail it yourself. Since the OW is a colleague of your WH, you should consider how to make sure they don't talk at work. This may require that he start looking for another job.

- Second, you should tell your WH that you are giving him one chance and one chance only to end his affair and that, if he ever contacts her again, you will divorce him. Also tell him that, if she tries to contact him, he is not to respond and to tell you immediately. Don't say that have forgiven him or even that you wish to save your marriage, just that you are giving him a chance to end his affair. Let him know that, to save his marriage, there are many other things he will have to do and that you will be the one to decide whether to stay married or not but that his willingness to end the affair once and for all is an absolute prerequisite.

- Third, tell him that he must disclose his affair in your presence to his and your families. Nothing kills an affair faster than exposure to the light of day and the shame that goes with this. Also, consider if there are others that you want to know about what he has done (e.g., your pastor, priest or rabbi, close family friends). When he tells them what he has done, he should also ask them for their help and support so that it doesn't happen again. He should say something like, "If you ever think I am doing something I shouldn't, please tell me and my wife." That will send all concerned a clear message that this is his fault and that the burden of fixing his marriage is on him.

3. You need to make sure that he has ended his affair. This requires that he agree to become an open book to you. That means you have access to all of his communication devices and accounts, that he lets you know where he is at all times and that he is available to answer whenever you call him. You also need to monitor his activities. A key logger on his computer and a VAR in his car are standard detection devices that are often recommended. You can also install a GPS tracker in his car. Also, look for a burner phone.

4. In order to make a decision whether to give him another chance or not, you need to know what he has done. You can ask him to tell you everything he did, but most cheaters will only disclose the truth bit by bit and under pressure. Better to ask to see his e-mails and text messages for the past few months. If he refuses, you know that he is still hiding things. If he has erased these, you can try to recover them and he should be willing to help you do this. You can also tell him to write down what he has done (good evidence if you decide to divorce him) and tell him that you will expect him to take a polygraph test to verify that he has told you the full truth. Polygraph tests are not infallible but that doesn't matter. The fact that he _believes_ he will have to take the test will make him more honest, whether you insist that he take it or not.

5. Consider carefully whether or not you want him to live in the marital home for now. You may feel better if he leaves and it will send a very strong message that he is in big trouble if you kick him out. But understand that, if he is living somewhere else, it will be easier for him to continue his affair and that physical separation may weaken his desire to fix his marriage.

6. Perhaps the most important thing is how you interact with him, what you do, what you say, your tone of voice, your body language, etc. Best to maintain a pleasant but somewhat distanced attitude toward him for the time being. Try not to be overly emotional in his presence (too loving, distraught or angry). You want him to see you in the best possible light so that he wants to get back together with you, but you also want him to realize that you are a strong person who is perfectly capable of having a happy life without him. This is the classic carrot and stick approach -- reconciliation being the carrot and divorce the stick. Keep him guessing for now which he will get, but at the same time make him want you back (keep up your appearance, maintain a pleasant disposition, be a good mom, get out and do things, etc.).

7. It is also very important that you protect you health and mental well-being. Get enough sleep. Exercise. Don't drink or use drugs. Get counseling.

Finally, there is a lot of good advice on the web about how to save your marriage (if you decide that that is what you want). Here are a few:

How I Saved My Marriage

How to Save Your Marriage -- Avoid These Harmful Behaviors

Saving Your Marriage

How Do I Get My Husband Back?

Other who post here will probably recommend other resources.

I hope this post is of some assistance to you and wish you all the best.


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