# First Post - Inability to Understand Spouse's Behavior and Financial Impact



## Apcfrg72 (Mar 4, 2012)

This is my first post. I've been pretty impressed with the threads and responses on this board so I decided to rock it out and request some feedback. I’m wondering how many first timers spill their beans like this. 

So my situation: My wife and I married a little over four years ago. At the time, we were in our mid-30s and living in Washington, DC. She was pushing for us to move to Colorado because she said she didn't want to start and raise a family in DC. Though I was open to a move, I'd never considered Colorado but so be it, I didn’t feel so settled that I felt the need to stay.

My wife had been working in a profession with long hours in Washington and told me she knew she would have to switch professions once we moved west if we were going to be involved parents. Well, when we got to Colorado, I found a job but my new wife, well, she didn't really start looking for a job or a college program that would help her transfer fields. Within a few months, she had a contract in the same profession she'd worked in back in Washington...then she did another...then another…then she tried starting a nonprofit in that profession, though she had no experience in fundraising or nonprofit management, and it was all slow going and there was no money coming in.

While I made a good salary, I was not rich by any means and the fact that we were living on one salary now meant we were a little strapped...which she didn't seem to be too concerned about. We argued a lot...I kept saying I had moved out here so we could start a family and that we needed two salaries to make this work (as we had agreed on), and she said she had been in her profession for a long time and it was hard to give up. She seemed to have changed her tune about her profession and I couldn’t understand where her thoughts were now as far as planning to maintain a family. She kept doing contract work never earning more than several hundred dollars a month. Eventually, after two years of us arguing, she got a full time job in her regular profession…it would not have the long hours, which was good, but the employee who was leaving the position my wife was about to take told my wife the reason she was moving on was because the employer would not let her move from full- to part-time. My wife had told me earlier on that when we had kids she wasn’t going to work full-time (but that she would work part time) so this employee’s comment meant that when my wife got pregnant, she would probably have to quit her job…and, as we had already experienced, if we could barely make ends meet on one salary, how the heck could we have a family then. More and more of the things she was doing just were making no sense to me.

Well then, the unexpected happened. She got pregnant. Based on our behavior, there was only a tiny chance it would happen. I should have been responsible given our situation but I had moved away from friends and a city I knew specifically to start a family with her and I was beyond stunned and frustrated to realize how incapable my wife seemed to be planning to balance a new professional life with preparations for a family. Her arguments changed; many things she said made no sense; she never did change professions as she promised. I probably was not in the best frame of mind.

While she was pregnant and preparing to leave her job, which made me worry for financial reasons—but which she did not seem to care much about—my former employer from Washington, DC called and asked if I wanted to come back to my former job. I’d be making around $20,000 more than what I was making in Colorado. We ended up moving back east though we had arguments about that too. We had no family in Colorado though my family was at least within driving distance in New York and part of me resented having moved to Colorado for her when my wife didn’t do what she said she would. Well, my wife gave birth to a beautiful son in November 2010, and stayed at home for a while to take care of him. She started looking for work about four or five months ago, but now she’s at a disadvantage because she has no training in another field.

While I’m making more money, Washington is also much more expensive so we’re again barely making ends meet; we’re dipping into a dwindling savings account for part-time day care so my wife can look for work but nothing’s happening for her so far.

Here are a couple other things, which make me worry about our future. When we met, I had a significant amount in savings; she had none. She also took money on a semi-regular basis from her parents (she still does it from time to time), without seeming to care, which may describe her cavalier attitude about money, that is, she does not seem to feel responsible for her own self-sufficiency. Since we talked about starting a family around the time we were getting married, I figured she would become more responsible. She has not—silly me. Much of my savings is depleted from having to pay expenses. She also comes from an intellectual family that has strong left leanings about social stratification. She told me she doesn’t want to be some bourgeoisie wife out of touch with life and she passes on a lot of judgment upon others. It may be a little irrational, but I do feel on some level as though my wife partly wants us to “struggle”, that if we had enough money, she couldn’t deal with being comfortable. Her parents moved around a lot when she was a child, including to the favelas of Brazil and apartheid South Africa where her mother did research, and I feel that’s taken a toll on her view of the world and that “struggle” is the name of the game. There’s nothing wrong with social awareness--my wife is very intelligent and has a graduate degree--but her disregard for our family’s personal welfare seems unbelievable. 

Although I know she’s been looking for work, there is a part of me that truly wonders if she does want to find a job since we would end up being a lot more stable for the first time during our marriage when she does find one. I have never used the word neglect with her, but I know she probably suffered some neglect as a child based on her mother’s background as a celebrity academic and I am very concerned that neglect will come to play a role in my son’s welfare. My wife and I still argue a lot—we’ve been to several sessions with a therapist; members of my wife’s family often see therapists, though, so I wonder if this is self-indulgence on her part and I don’t see it as much help. My wife has said she’s thought of leaving me several times recently because she doesn’t like how angry I get. And I have gotten angry, out of frustration with what I perceive as the recklessness of her decision making. I know money isn’t everything and that being kind and supportive of your partner is just as important, but it’s very difficult to sustain a balance when your partner seems oblivious to other very important economic matters. The very fact that she has no financial means of her own right now, and yet has a son, and is threatening to leave makes me all the more alarmed.

Short of ending this marriage, which I have also thought about but which I recognize could be equally devastating for my son in the long term, I’m not sure about my alternatives. I recognize I have given a very one-sided account of this situation and I’m partly to blame—for getting into this marriage in the first place, and then contributing to a pregnancy during a challenging period. My goal at this point is the future welfare of my son (and probably to ease my own mind), and I guess I’m not clear on what the next step should be.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I cant see this marriage lasting.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Apcfrg72 said:


> Short of ending this marriage, which I have also thought about but which I recognize could be equally devastating for my son in the long term, I’m not sure about my alternatives. I recognize I have given a very one-sided account of this situation and I’m partly to blame—for getting into this marriage in the first place, and then contributing to a pregnancy during a challenging period. My goal at this point is the future welfare of my son (and probably to ease my own mind), and I guess I’m not clear on what the next step should be.


First step is DNA testing of your son. Sorry, but given the experiences seen on this board it would be prudent given you think the chances were miniscule.

Whatever the results, he is still your son emotionally. 

Do some learning on relationships, and get her on board with some therapy and/or self help. Lots of good books out there. Getting the Love you Want. 5 Love Languages. Passionate Marriage.

Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover might be of interest in your situation.

It sounds like there isn't any teamwork going on, and there is some destructive behavior based in vastly different values. You two really need to discuss all this and work out solutions. If she won't participate there is no way to resolve the issues.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Since your wife says she has thought about leaving you, why not have a conversation with her about how she intended to support herself if she does. She might get some child support, but she will not get spousal support. The two of you have not been married long enough for that. 

Thus she would need to find a way to be self-sufficient.

Since your wife (according to you) is having difficulties adjusting to motherhood, why not encourage her to get a job in her old field? The two of you could share child rearing. This would give you more of an input into your son's raising.

Some women are not cut out to be SAHMs. Your wife might be one of those women.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Your wife will only move closer to her family if you leave her. Then you'll have to move and change jobs again to be closer to your son. She goes to therapy now find the right therapist. Do you love your wife?


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

But she does have a means of support-- her parents-- you said they still send her money. Does she want to be a SAHM? You would save a great deal on childcare costs if so.

I have a friend who seems to want to "struggle" like you describe. She's kind of hippy dippy and always seemed uncomfortable with her middle class lifestyle. She and her husband fell on hard financial times and lost her home, part of her almost seemed happy about it. :scratchhead: 

Does she understand that not all SAHMs are "bourgeois?" If you downsized you might be able to survive on one salary. 

You sound a little intimidated by her, if I'm reading your post accurately.


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## Apcfrg72 (Mar 4, 2012)

Thanks, everyone, for your responses and your suggestions for books and resources. I don't doubt that my son is, uh, my son. He looks like me way too much for me to even doubt it and I have absolutely no "what if" possibility nagging me. I still need to read up on the possible repercussions of a separation in terms of child and spousal support; I don't have a lot of knowledge about this. If anyone can recommend any books, I would appreciate it. If my wife and I separate, I would guess she'd want to go back to California, where she's from (and where her parents can help support her). The question then remains, what would happen to our son--my understanding is custody tends to lead toward the mother but given her lack of a job on her part, is that still true? And I would not want her separated from her son (or me separated from my son, for that matter) since it would be too devastating for one of us. She says she doesn't want to be a SAHM, that being a professional is too important to her, and yet like I said before she did nothing to prepare for a professional career after the birth of our son. It's one of the many inconsistencies or lack of planning activities that has puzzled and frustrated me. I'm not intimidated by her, really, but I am terrified by where what I see as her reckless behavior is taking us. I don't like being led by anyone into a bad situation and so, unless some other option does present itself--that is, if she is fortunate enough to get a job (which hasn't happened so far) using transferable skills to a new profession--I can see separation as a viable option. Thanks again to everyone for their insights. Apcfrg72.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

What about feelings? Do you love your wife and does she love you?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Talk to a lawyer. Many will give a free 15 minute consult phone call or appointment. It is how they get new clients.

Child support is well defined by your state laws. Google child support calculator for your state. Custody is up to you two unless you cannot agree, then a judge decides. She can't move across the country and take your son without your approval. Don't let her do it as part of an unwritten trial separation necause it will be seen as status quo if you geet divorced. It must be in writing the exact terms of her taking him to Calif! 

Alimony depends on state laws. She might get a few years but no more than the length of youur marriage. If she is employable she will be expected to work.

Call a lawyer and get reall data for your lpcation re custody, child support, and alimony. Read "A man's guide to a civilized divorce".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Apcfrg72 (Mar 4, 2012)

Thor, thanks for the book recommendation (A Man's Guide..."). I've read about mediation--called alternative dispute resolution, in some fancy circles--and I would guess my wife and I could go that route. Neither she nor I is malicious and the idea of an adversarial separation would likely be anathema to both of us. Hopefull, as for whether we love each other, well, the answer is yes. Unfortunately, there is a kind of love that accepts and supports everything that a spouse does without judgment...but unfortunately when someone does something reckless or harmful to the welfare of the family, well, you have to say something. I don't know that my wife's family (parents and siblings) have ever been as communicative--and by that I don't mean insensitive--about issues that hurt the welfare of the household. I do love her and I hope she hasn't lost her love of me but the business of life can also either help or take a toll on the happiness of a couple.

Thanks again for everyone's comments.


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