# Husband cheated for 9 months with a girl 10 years younger



## Desimay31 (Jun 16, 2020)

I feel like I have no where else to go to vent. Hopefully this forum will help me understand why is it that married men can do such awful things to someone they say they love. I am 31 and have been Married for 11 years to my husband. We have been through so much together and about 4 years ago I thought things were getting better. We started going to church and I felt like we have grown up. Well anyway it all started in November 2018 I lost my stepfather that pretty much raised me. My mother and soon my brother moved in due to having to sell their home. It’s a lot when all of us are under one roof grieving in different ways. I have three kids a full time job and grieving wasn’t an option for me I felt like. I had to come home and handle so much on top of my mom who also has health issues. Well all of this caused I guess a stress on my marriage because that April after my stepdads passing my husband started a relationship with a girl he worked with. I found out in December after we just bought a house together in October that he was cheating for 9 months, Like why? If he knew he didn’t want this why buy a house I can’t afford. I was lost and I think since I can’t seem to understand and blame myself. She told me he loved her. And he ended up leaving. In February he begged me to come home and to forgive him.i know I shouldn’t have but I can’t take care of a new home with my mom who doesn’t work. So I let him back home. Since December I have fallen into a dark place. I’m depressed and I feel like I have no one to talk to. He’s put me through so many emotional roller coasters I feel like everyone is tired of hearing it. So I bottle it up to myself. I feel like I am nothing to him other than someone who takes care of the kids and picks up after him. Mentally I’m done. I don’t know if I can take another heartbreak. I tried to reach out to a therapist but they are so expensive. I don’t know how to handle feeling like this.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

First thing @Desimay31 you are not alone, we are here for you. People on TAM have been where you are so they know where you are at.

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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

Well that's a lot to go through, and that's when you know who is in your corner supporting you, and who are your fair weather friends or partners.
It should be easy from then on to discern the truth.
But your weaker state, and having to support others made you hope for support for yourself.
So. Are you more supported by him coming back into your life?
Has he shown true remorse and stepped up to help you?
Or are you now supporting an extra person?

I don't mean to be harsh, but he loved someone else and only came back to you when that didn't work out. You are plan B, and its possibly your weaker state that accepted that position.

Would the stronger you accept this?


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## Desimay31 (Jun 16, 2020)

He stepped up and told me how much he has destroyed our family. But I just feel like the past couple months he’s getting comfortable again and really doesn’t try and all of the emotions are starting to hit me. And No the stronger me would not accept any of this. I deserve to be loved the way I want to. Not to be used and hurt whenever he feels like it.


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## Hannalore (Jun 16, 2020)

Desimay31 said:


> I feel like I have no where else to go to vent. Hopefully this forum will help me understand why is it that married men can do such awful things to someone they say they love. I am 31 and have been Married for 11 years to my husband. We have been through so much together and about 4 years ago I thought things were getting better. We started going to church and I felt like we have grown up. Well anyway it all started in November 2018 I lost my stepfather that pretty much raised me. My mother and soon my brother moved in due to having to sell their home. It’s a lot when all of us are under one roof grieving in different ways. I have three kids a full time job and grieving wasn’t an option for me I felt like. I had to come home and handle so much on top of my mom who also has health issues. Well all of this caused I guess a stress on my marriage because that April after my stepdads passing my husband started a relationship with a girl he worked with. I found out in December after we just bought a house together in October that he was cheating for 9 months, Like why? If he knew he didn’t want this why buy a house I can’t afford. I was lost and I think since I can’t seem to understand and blame myself. She told me he loved her. And he ended up leaving. In February he begged me to come home and to forgive him.i know I shouldn’t have but I can’t take care of a new home with my mom who doesn’t work. So I let him back home. Since December I have fallen into a dark place. I’m depressed and I feel like I have no one to talk to. He’s put me through so many emotional roller coasters I feel like everyone is tired of hearing it. So I bottle it up to myself. I feel like I am nothing to him other than someone who takes care of the kids and picks up after him. Mentally I’m done. I don’t know if I can take another heartbreak. I tried to reach out to a therapist but they are so expensive. I don’t know how to handle feeling like this.





Desimay31 said:


> He stepped up and told me how much he has destroyed our family. But I just feel like the past couple months he’s getting comfortable again and really doesn’t try and all of the emotions are starting to hit me. And No the stronger me would not accept any of this. I deserve to be loved the way I want to. Not to be used and hurt whenever he feels like it.


I was married for 30 years and mine in the middle of the night accidently left his computer on while I was sleeping. I only woke up because he was in such a hurry to leave he squealed his tires in the driveway. I got up to turn it off and he left his email open. He was on his way to meet a prostitute he met on Cragislist. I acted like I was asleep when he got home about an hour later. He came in and went to bed. In the morning I watched him act so nice, take a shower, make breakfast and talk to me smiling. After a while I had to say " after your encounter with " have ***** will travel" last night you could have at least taken a shower before you came to bed." DENY DENY DENY. I was crazy. I finally asked him if he would like to see a copy of the email. That was 10 years ago and the only reason we are together today is because of the house. I have no respect, love or trust in him. Every morning I pray he dies before the sun sets and every night I pray he dies before sun rise. You will go through depression as I did, and soon you will be tired of being tired and force yourself to be happy as a start. A word to the wise, is to NEVER keep any money in a bank account but get a safety deposit box and do not let anybody know about it. Do NOT DO NOT sign any financial papers. Have you heard of the term "gaslighting" If you have not, go to utube and see what it is, because I guarantee that will be his next move to control you. Stay strong and you will survive and be happy. Don't take less than what you deserve.


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## Desimay31 (Jun 16, 2020)

I’m so sorry. I will make sure to look into that, we had a joint account while he was doing what he was doing because he insisted. So I dropped my own that I had and After everything happened I started to use it again and save. I just know if it was the other way around it would be so different. And I hate that they think they get away with it bc your right they deny deny deny until their blue. I used to find snapchats from half naked girls on his phone while he was sleeping. And eventually got tired of looking at it. He eventually changed his password but I was stupid not to look bc that happened while he was screwing around


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

So the other woman told you he loved her and he left. What the hell has he actually said? I assume you let him back to help maintain the house or to help pay the payments. Work to gain financial independence. Put some money aside each month. Maybe downsize the house. 

You say you take care of your mother. Is this financial or health? Does she contribute financially to the household at all? 

and your brother? how old is he? Does he work and contribute. It would seem unless your brother is less than 18 you already had a male around to help. And even under 18 can help quite a bit. I know I did lots for my mom starting at 15.

It is one thing to reconcile with someone who is remorseful and willing to step-up but another to let them come and drain your resources including mental energy. 

If you want to use him for money that is fine too but then separate money and caring. You don't have to do things for him. You don't have to do his laundry or cook or have sex.

If you two want to reconcile then you probably need something more than just a lot of I"m sorries. A structured conversation about your marriage including both of you listing things that bring your love meter down and things that bring it up.

He should also allow you to have all passwords to phone, computer and such.

Do we know why he's back? Did she dump him?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Hannalore said:


> I was married for 30 years and mine in the middle of the night accidently left his computer on while I was sleeping. I only woke up because he was in such a hurry to leave he squealed his tires in the driveway. I got up to turn it off and he left his email open. He was on his way to meet a prostitute he met on Cragislist. I acted like I was asleep when he got home about an hour later. He came in and went to bed. In the morning I watched him act so nice, take a shower, make breakfast and talk to me smiling. After a while I had to say " after your encounter with " have *** will travel" last night you could have at least taken a shower before you came to bed." DENY DENY DENY. I was crazy. I finally asked him if he would like to see a copy of the email. That was 10 years ago and the only reason we are together today is because of the house. I have no respect, love or trust in him. Every morning I pray he dies before the sun sets and every night I pray he dies before sun rise. You will go through depression as I did, and soon you will be tired of being tired and force yourself to be happy as a start. A word to the wise, is to NEVER keep any money in a bank account but get a safety deposit box and do not let anybody know about it. Do NOT DO NOT sign any financial papers. Have you heard of the term "gaslighting" If you have not, go to utube and see what it is, because I guarantee that will be his next move to control you. Stay strong and you will survive and be happy. Don't take less than what you deserve.


Or you can just divorce. You 31 you can restart your life and have a very good one still. The kids will adapt.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Desimay31 said:


> I’m so sorry. I will make sure to look into that, we had a joint account while he was doing what he was doing because he insisted. So I dropped my own that I had and After everything happened I started to use it again and save. I just know if it was the other way around it would be so different. And I hate that they think they get away with it bc your right they deny deny deny until their blue.* I used to find snapchats from half naked girls on his phone while he was sleeping. And eventually got tired of looking at it*. He eventually changed his password but I was stupid not to look bc that happened while he was screwing around


Sorry my previous post crossed this one. He is not a good candidate for reconciliation. Do what you have to do to use him until you can get in a better position and then dump him.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Desimay31 said:


> I feel like I have no where else to go to vent. Hopefully this forum will help me understand why is it that married men can do such awful things to someone they say they love. I am 31 and have been Married for 11 years to my husband. We have been through so much together and about 4 years ago I thought things were getting better. We started going to church and I felt like we have grown up. Well anyway it all started in November 2018 I lost my stepfather that pretty much raised me. My mother and soon my brother moved in due to having to sell their home. It’s a lot when all of us are under one roof grieving in different ways. I have three kids a full time job and grieving wasn’t an option for me I felt like. I had to come home and handle so much on top of my mom who also has health issues. Well all of this caused I guess a stress on my marriage because that April after my stepdads passing my husband started a relationship with a girl he worked with. I found out in December after we just bought a house together in October that he was cheating for 9 months, Like why? If he knew he didn’t want this why buy a house I can’t afford. I was lost and I think since I can’t seem to understand and blame myself. She told me he loved her. And he ended up leaving. In February he begged me to come home and to forgive him.i know I shouldn’t have but I can’t take care of a new home with my mom who doesn’t work. So I let him back home. Since December I have fallen into a dark place. I’m depressed and I feel like I have no one to talk to. He’s put me through so many emotional roller coasters I feel like everyone is tired of hearing it. So I bottle it up to myself. I feel like I am nothing to him other than someone who takes care of the kids and picks up after him. Mentally I’m done. I don’t know if I can take another heartbreak. I tried to reach out to a therapist but they are so expensive. I don’t know how to handle feeling like this.


Life is short and you only get one. You are not responsible for his cheating. 

Look either way you will get trough this and be happy again but don't waste your life on someone who doesn't care about you. But don't make the mistake of thinking no one will care about you because someone doesn't.


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## Hannalore (Jun 16, 2020)

Desimay31 said:


> I feel like I have no where else to go to vent. Hopefully this forum will help me understand why is it that married men can do such awful things to someone they say they love. I am 31 and have been Married for 11 years to my husband. We have been through so much together and about 4 years ago I thought things were getting better. We started going to church and I felt like we have grown up. Well anyway it all started in November 2018 I lost my stepfather that pretty much raised me. My mother and soon my brother moved in due to having to sell their home. It’s a lot when all of us are under one roof grieving in different ways. I have three kids a full time job and grieving wasn’t an option for me I felt like. I had to come home and handle so much on top of my mom who also has health issues. Well all of this caused I guess a stress on my marriage because that April after my stepdads passing my husband started a relationship with a girl he worked with. I found out in December after we just bought a house together in October that he was cheating for 9 months, Like why? If he knew he didn’t want this why buy a house I can’t afford. I was lost and I think since I can’t seem to understand and blame myself. She told me he loved her. And he ended up leaving. In February he begged me to come home and to forgive him.i know I shouldn’t have but I can’t take care of a new home with my mom who doesn’t work. So I let him back home. Since December I have fallen into a dark place. I’m depressed and I feel like I have no one to talk to. He’s put me through so many emotional roller coasters I feel like everyone is tired of hearing it. So I bottle it up to myself. I feel like I am nothing to him other than someone who takes care of the kids and picks up after him. Mentally I’m done. I don’t know if I can take another heartbreak. I tried to reach out to a therapist but they are so expensive. I don’t know how to handle feeling like this.





Desimay31 said:


> He stepped up and told me how much he has destroyed our family. But I just feel like the past couple months he’s getting comfortable again and really doesn’t try and all of the emotions are starting to hit me. And No the stronger me would not accept any of this. I deserve to be loved the way I want to. Not to be used and hurt whenever he feels like it.


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## Hannalore (Jun 16, 2020)

Desimay31 said:


> I’m so sorry. I will make sure to look into that, we had a joint account while he was doing what he was doing because he insisted. So I dropped my own that I had and After everything happened I started to use it again and save. I just know if it was the other way around it would be so different. And I hate that they think they get away with it bc your right they deny deny deny until their blue. I used to find snapchats from half naked girls on his phone while he was sleeping. And eventually got tired of looking at it. He eventually changed his password but I was stupid not to look bc that happened while he was screwing around



What you need to do is make sure you get PROOF of this for your lawyer. If you get a safety deposit box, make sure you get a P.O. Box first because you do NOT want anybody to know about it. When you go grocery shopping use a check and every time you shop just write the check over for 10 or 20 dollars and keep all your change. Throw away all receipts immediately when you exit the grocery store so they won't be found. It won't be missed and it will add up, save save save and keep it quiet. In my state a woman can get "maintenance" support for herself, if she has children and has stayed home raising the children, you are entitled for him to pay for your schooling of your choice to educate you so you can support you and your kids. Hopefully your state is the same and ask a lawyer about this. you are entitles to 1/2 of his work pension, 1/2 of the equity of the home. Don't let him tell you that you aren't. Get that PENSION. If you have any life insurance through his work or anyplace see if there is cash value to it. Do not be bullied by him.


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