# He Left - denies EA



## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

We've been having problems for about 4-6 months. If you ask him its been going on for years. About November, he started a second, part-time job. THAT'S when it started. I know now its because he started an EA with a coworker there.

In March, on his days off, he suddenly decides he wants to take our son out for a father/son day. Says he doesn't know where he's going but he's leaving me and daughter home. I say OK -- even though its weird. He goes outside, gets his bowling bag and leaves.

Two weeks later, an acquaintance mentions seeing him out bowling with a woman and her three kids. He doesn't want to speak with her. I ask him. He says, Oh, I knew the lady in the lane next to us. She's married to someone I know. Oh. OK.

Fast forward a week. His phone spazzes. He refuses to hand it to me to fix. Its weird. He reluctantly hands it to me just as he gets a text from a woman. I ask who she is. She's a friend. He won't elaborate. 

I later learn is who he took my son bowling with. In the next week and a half, he buys a new car without my knowledge. Takes both my kids to her house for dinner and refuses to talk about it. I tell him its not cool and I dont want her around my kids.

A week ago, the OW blocks me on Facebook. (I can see when he comments on her stuff and I'm curious). I ask him. He says she doesn't appreciate being cyberstalked by me. I asked when on earth I ever cyberstalked this woman. He says the day I asked my son to confirm she was the woman he went bowling with. You mean when I pulled up a picture, asked my son if this was her, he said yes and we went about our day. Seems like stalking.

A week ago, he says he wants a divorce. Two days ago, he packed a bag and left. He still denies cheating on me. She's just a friend.

I pulled cell phone records yesterday. He has over 2,500 text messages to this woman in one billing cycle. 

For awhile now, he takes his phone EVERYWHERE with him. He even takes it to the shower. He changed his email and password on Facebook. On his Friday nights, he leaves when the kids go to bed to go to his male friends house, but he doesn't come home until 3, 4, 5 am. 

He STILL denies cheating on me. Am I crazy? 

He told the kids he is moving out and not coming back. According to him we are getting divorced this summer. My kids are devastated.

I feel blindsided, betrayed, worthless and angry. I'm reading up on 180 and detachment and looking for books to help. I'm just so lost right now. I guess I just needed to vent.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

OvaryPunch said:


> He STILL denies cheating on me. Am I crazy?


No. You are not.

You have just precisely described the way my Almost Ex-Wife has been acting. She has been openly seeing her new boyfriend since January, and she was chasing after various men long before that.

It's all part of the script.


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

I think he HONESTLY doesn't think he is. Like, he doesn't think his "friendship" crossed boundaries while we were together. 

But it kills me the ease with which he walked out on me and our kids. And he's blaming me for EVERYTHING. Re-writing history, blame game, his vision of our divorce.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

You are not crazy
There really does seem to be a standard MO for a lot of cheaters. Although as I've been told by some on this board, its not the same for all:
Withdrawal from marriage/family
Resentment on questioning 
Denial denial denial (repeat).
Many have anger when actually caught, so watch yourself. 

Taking the kids to the OW home for dinner is pretty brazen.
Could I suggest you go to an attorney and find out your options financially speaking.
Make and apt with your MD to get checked for STD and for anxiety/depression support.
Think about IC to deal with the shock.
Would MC be worth a try?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Pretty soon, we'll have an entire family of "Punches" here.


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

I think he used our son as the excuse. The OW has three sons and he was using it as a "playdate" backup. 

I have an appointment with MD and attorney tomorrow. IC on Tuesday.

When it started going downhill in February (before the OW news) I suggested MC. I was in IC about two years ago for anxiety issues and he went to a session or two. It was NOT MC. He says, "She agreed with everything I said and you stopped going so what's the point?"

Um. No. 



I thought of a couple others.... throat punch, junk punch... some less nice.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Ovary...that is perfect name. I have gone...and repeatedly went through the same thing with my STBXW. Many say that is how traumatic infidelity is...often describing it as a visceral punch to the psyche...or piercing as a knife wound or gunshot...painful and traumatizing. A lot to work through...I did a lot of deep exhaling and positive thought/prayers to steel myself when I felt like I would lose it.
After all this, you will be able to go for some Hawaiian Punch.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You're not crazy, but you need to work with your counselor to get over the need for closure and admission from him. You can't control his actions, especially if he's not interested in making the marriage work. As difficult as it will be, your only option is the cliché "get over it".

Unless, of course, your state has any protection for victims of adultery. Talk to your lawyer about your options.

C


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Damn, I read this and was so angry for you!!! He totally used your son to help along his connection to her. I feel so bad for you and your kids, this is just downright terrible. 

Your next move is to def. get a legal separation/divorce together fast as you can. Do you have some good friends, or family around that can help you thru the emotional trauma? Keep coming back to us here at TAM and vent. I promise that you will slowly start to feel better, but I know those words ring hollow for the time being.

Stay strong, as you can, for the kids right now especially. There wont be much you can do to feel better, but keep busy best you can, and try to turn the turmoil into anger for now at the betrayal.

Good luck to you and the kids.

If you can still print out your phone records of all the texts between the two. I'd cover myself by doing that until you get to the attorney.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Most definitely cheating. 

Most likely has been physical. 

Most likely has not been at a male friend's house on Friday nights. 

Trust your gut, punch. He's lying through his teeth. Don't trust a word he says. 

Send the text records to the OW's husband.

Read "Not Just Friends"


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

Unfortunately, the wife of his friends part was a blatant lie. She's the EX-wife of a coworker of his. So, no go exposing him there. I'm waiting till I get advice from my attorney tomorrow before i expose him to his family and friends. 

He came to pick up the kids tonight -- changed it last minute from a 4-8 to an overnight. (I kindly relented)...

He starts rummaging around his old side of the bed. I asked what he was looking for. He was looking for the title to his project car.

Back story, he is effin stupid when it comes to money. He has bought and traded in 10 cars in 7-1/2 years. Three bankruptcies (and he's only 34.) But he has a torn up POS "project car" in my sister's garage. Before I thought about it, I gave him the title to the car. 

Now, I know it was stupid (hindsight), but the car is not in my name and I honestly don't give a damn what happens to it as long as it gets out of my sister's garage. He won't benefit from any money from it. It still has a lien on it for the loan. 

Oh, and I kept the text record logs -- no way to find out what was said. He took his laptop with him before the words keylogger ever crossed my mind... (i'm kicking myself for that one.) The cell phones are exclusively in my name. He has no access to the records or anyway to remove my access to them. I do take minor satisfaction knowing I COULD shut his phone off at any time.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

2.5K text messages tells me all I need to know.

I saw 300 as proof my X was having an EA.


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

Yeah, and that's just for the last billing cycle. i didn't bother to pull the other months. 

It does bother me he wont tell me where the kids (or him are staying). He gives me a major street and cross street neighborhood and says not to be concerned "they are with their dad.".... First off, don't care where HE is... but my daughter is only 3 and tonight is her first night away from home.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

OvaryPunch said:


> Yeah, and that's just for the last billing cycle. i didn't bother to pull the other months.
> 
> It does bother me he wont tell me where the kids (or him are staying). He gives me a major street and cross street neighborhood and says not to be concerned "they are with their dad.".... First off, don't care where HE is... but my daughter is only 3 and tonight is her first night away from home.


Uh...Unacceptable.

Lawyer time.

Bring this up. It will not be allowed. 

You don't know where they are then he don't get them.


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

I have an appointment with lawyer tomorrow. 

Its amazing. Give me two hours away from contact with him and I'm all ramped up and eff that b etc. but when face-to-face I waffle. 

I have an appointment tomorrow to talk to my doctor about getting refill on my Klonopin. I used it to get through the "divorce" talk with the kids. Hopefully they refill it.


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## HopelessArray (Jan 6, 2012)

I'm sorry OP, but I agree with the others it definitely sounds like there's another woman. In my experience, locked phones and changing passwords means he is hiding something. Having recently been blindsided myself, I truly feel your pain. It is unimaginable.


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

Thank you. I feel like he tossed me away like yesterday's garbage.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

OvaryPunch said:


> Thank you. I feel like he tossed me away like yesterday's garbage.


He took himself out with the trash. 

Not you.


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

Thanks, guys, for listening to my story. I have a feeling its going to get a lot worse until it gets better. I've been self-employed for 2-1/2 years working part time from home while taking care of our daughter. His income makes up 2/3 of our household budget so its going to be tough. But I can do it. Not having to be answerable to anyone is definitely enticing... I just worry about my job instability. Gotta get something saved up.

And I hope to go back to school. I had to quit last December.


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## HopelessArray (Jan 6, 2012)

OvaryPunch said:


> Thank you. I feel like he tossed me away like yesterday's garbage.


I understand this sentiment completely. Utterly and completely. Honey, it's not us it's them.


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## seagoat (Feb 4, 2012)

OvaryPunch said:


> Thank you. I feel like he tossed me away like yesterday's garbage.


He did, but is a reflection on him, not on you. At all!! I'd say, document what happened, get legal support ASAP, and protect your kids from this kind of exposure. Who knows if he really watches them as he should if he's with her. Then kick him out, and change the locks! He has shown a blatant disregard for you as a wife and mom, and uses his own kids as an alibi to go frolicking! Y'all deserve so much better!!!

Take care of yourself, the roller coaster ride has just begun.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

OP,

First of all going back to your original post, YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS, none of us are and I am 100% sure your kids feel you are the most imprtant person in the world.

I suggest you start proving it to yourself by working on YOU. New hairstyle, whiten your teeth, lose a little weight, do some volunteering, dive into your faith, investigate a hobby you have always wanted to do.

In a relatively short time, you will look at yourself as the beautiful, important, loving person you are.

This is all about you and your kids,
Stretch


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

Well, I went to the attorney today. I have to come up with $1,700 to get the ball rolling. I have no clue how I'm going to get that kind of money.  I hope I can before he decides to file. In the meantime, he can take the kids, refuse to give them back and enter my house anytime he wants because we are still married. 

On an unrelated note, he completely blocked everyone in my family (including me) on Facebook. He also told me he plans to tell his mom (who is in incredibly poor health) that he is leaving me. 

I cleaned up my friends list as well, removing everyone with loyalties to him.

My daughter offered up a tidbit at my doctor's appointment this morning. She played with three boys and a nice lady last night on the overnight. So.... he is staying with the OW.


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

I feel ashamed. After the meeting with the attorney and last night's first sleepover with the kids, I caved. i sent him a text message asking if he'd be willing to consider counseling.

Dammit. Why did I do that? I feel weak. (He didn't even respond.) 

I didnt do anything wrong. He should be begging me to TAKE HIM BACK!.

I just feel so overwhelmed.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

OvaryPunch said:


> I feel ashamed. After the meeting with the attorney and last night's first sleepover with the kids, I caved. i sent him a text message asking if he'd be willing to consider counseling.
> 
> Dammit. Why did I do that? I feel weak. (He didn't even respond.)
> 
> ...


Don't do it again.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

You don't need the 180, you need the going DARK plan now. NO CONTACT AT ALL. Dealings for the daughter are by email only, 3-4 days in advance.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

OvaryPunch said:


> Well, I went to the attorney today. I have to come up with $1,700 to get the ball rolling. I have no clue how I'm going to get that kind of money.  I hope I can before he decides to file. In the meantime, he can take the kids, refuse to give them back and enter my house anytime he wants because we are still married.
> 
> On an unrelated note, he completely blocked everyone in my family (including me) on Facebook. He also told me he plans to tell his mom (who is in incredibly poor health) that he is leaving me.
> 
> ...


Delete your facebook account. 
Ask for family help for attorney $$. 
Find a less expensive attorney?
Just a few random suggestions.


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

After deleting my list, I kind of just said, Why am I doing this? Its just a time-suck anyway. So I notified a few friends to change IMs and deactivated. 

I need to focus on me and not other people right now. I'm going to take this time to be selfish (within limits).

I'm going to take the advice about planning the visitations in advance. I'm going to notify him by email that I want a list of the days AND times he wants the kids this week and I will get back to him on what works for my schedule. 

Then I'm going DARK -- > No contact unless kid or money related. And it will be by email. 

I'm also going to pack up his visible things around the house. 

He left with his work bag, didn't take any hygiene products, his toothbrush, razors, shampoo, NOTHING. Makes me think he already had that stuff at her house or he is mooching off her. Cause its not coming from our accounts.

And the only money in my family is in the couch cushions.. no go there. I can look for a new attorney but I'm also going to start doing extra work to build up a fund.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

OvaryPunch said:


> After deleting my list, I kind of just said, Why am I doing this? Its just a time-suck anyway. So I notified a few friends to change IMs and deactivated.
> 
> I need to focus on me and not other people right now. I'm going to take this time to be selfish (within limits).
> 
> ...


Get that money. Yard sales, extra work, friends. You need a lawyer.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

OvaryPunch said:


> Well, I went to the attorney today. I have to come up with $1,700 to get the ball rolling. I have no clue how I'm going to get that kind of money.


Does the lawyer know about your financial situation? Explain it to him. A good lawyer will find a way to work around the money situation. If he won't, find another.

My savings recently ran dry, and I explained to my attorney that with AXW not helping with the bills, I can't afford to continue paying him for much longer. He pretty much said, "Don't worry about it. I prefer to get paid as I work, but I understand... I see it all the time. Take care of your family first, and you can pay me when you can."

I love my lawyer. :smthumbup:


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

I've only seen one lawyer. I told her about my financial situation (he's the main breadwinner) and she asked if I was looking to file today. I said, No, but only because I didn't have that kind of money sitting around. She said when I get the money to bring it down and she will file the paperwork.



So maybe shop around a bit, I guess.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

OvaryPunch said:


> I've only seen one lawyer. I told her about my financial situation (he's the main breadwinner) and she asked if I was looking to file today. I said, No, but only because I didn't have that kind of money sitting around. She said when I get the money to bring it down and she will file the paperwork.
> 
> 
> 
> So maybe shop around a bit, I guess.


Also do a web search for low income divorce help in your state... Every state should have a program or two.

It's also possible, if your incomes are very different, to ask the court to require him to pay for some or all of your court costs and/or attorney fees. You might want to ask any lawyers you talk to about it.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Thumper said:


> You don't need the 180, you need the going DARK plan now. NO CONTACT AT ALL. Dealings for the daughter are by email only, 3-4 days in advance.


This x1,000. I can relate to your situation OP. My STBXH had an EA/PA will not talk to me at all except via an occasional email to work on our divorce settlement. Technically I ended our relationship, but he forced my hand so to speak. 

I have to say though, I think in the end it's better to cut all ties rather than being stuck in limbo while having a spouse spin lies about wanting to work things out. True R seems rare in EA/PA situations. 

As much as it hurts, your path is very clear. Do whatever you need to and get the best attorney you can afford. My STBXH tried to fight really dirty until he realized I had excellent representation and it wasn't going down like that. 

Put on your game face and buckle your seat belt. I promise, it gets better. Yesterday I had an awesome day for the first time post DDay. No storm in nature lasts forever.


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

I am officially CREEPED OUT!

The fallout from my weak request for marriage counseling occurred last night. 

During a text "fight" which I shouldn't have participated in, he told me he "knew" i went to an attorney and thought it was ****ty to go already. He said I was talking **** about him to EVERYBODY I know and that I'm bragging about how much child support I'm going to get. 

Here's the kicker... I didn't tell ANYBODY but my immediate family and a loyal friend that I was going to the attorney. He says he has a friend who is an attorney and did I think he wouldn't find out. Its creeping me out a little bit. 

So, I deactivated all my social media accounts. And I'm going dark today except for money or child matters. And even then, VERY limited money matters.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

True, you shouldn't have participated in a text fight with him. But...

You don't owe him an explanation for any of your actions in this event. It's a relationship pattern -- that has evaporated for you -- to feel you have to explain anything to him. You don't care that he thinks it was a sh**ty thing to do, and he can't tell you what to do. 

I think he was on a fishing expedition and got info from you that he didn't truly know. As for an attorney friend, they generally won't talk about who they, or other attorneys, are dealing with. But there's always the exception to prove the rule. ugh.

Getting away from social media is a very healthy thing. I find (with TAM as a rare exception) that people online are VERY phony, are never who they say they are, and seem to have no boundaries because they're not there in person.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

How about a yard sale, to clean out his junk and have it contribute to your legal fund?
Also consider the very real possibility that he's been saving money for his new life for some time. His new GF is also feeding his ego. He creeps me out, too.


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

Pluto2 said:


> How about a yard sale, to clean out his junk and have it contribute to your legal fund?
> Also consider the very real possibility that he's been saving money for his new life for some time. His new GF is also feeding his ego. He creeps me out, too.


I have an extreme death grip on the finances. I have for YEARS because he is STUPID when it comes to money and our electricity would be shut off each month if I didnt take care of it. 

We are talking trading and buying 8 cars in 7-1/2 years plus outright purchase of two project cars which never got "project -ed". He's filed bk 3 times. He's an idiot when it comes to money so he has no money unless its being funded from another source -- gf maybe.


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

Well, i figured out whose been giving him information about me. I have one close friend and my two sisters. The close friend told her husband, who was telling my STBXH. I'm so pissed. I dont even want to confront her about it either cause its not her fault her husband is stupid. 

I realized when she told me last night that he is planning on coming over to hang out with her husband later this week. He hasn't hung out with him in five months. 

SMH.

I feel even more isolated now.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Where is your husband living right now?


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

With the OW


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Nice. <-- that's sarcasm

So sorry you're going through this. Study up on the 180. Have you exposed this A? Sorry if I missed it earlier in your thread.


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

I told my SIL who in turned told his brother. Beyond that, no one really cares. He's not close to his family. Not respected at work. My family all knows. Our mutual friends know -- see the post about how the friend's husband is the one feeding STBXH information. 

He won't even admit the EA to himself. He basically told me tonight he has no affection, respect or desire for me for the last two years. He's refusing counseling. He refuses to admit his faults in the R and is pinning EVERYTHING on me. 

I told him I will not contact him except for visitation or monetary purposes. He didn't respond back after that point. 



He sent me a text this morning b*tching that I deleted and blocked him on Facebook. (I didn't I deactivated my entire account). I'm not sure why he cares if he "doesn't care"... KWIM?

I'm so emotionally drained.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Yeah, 180 his sorry butt. Put his crap out on the lawn in trashbags. Go dark on him.


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## oncehisangel (Oct 13, 2012)

hugs OP....
I'm so sorry you even have to be on here...I swear it feels like a pandemic at the moment-but listen to your wise advisers and take heed.....dark all the way... stay strong and don't listen to anything he says...he's sitting in the stupid thickness of the adultery fog. 

keep posting
love and peace to you x


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

He wanted visitation Sunday and then overnight Monday through Wednesday. I told him no to Monday. He pesters me about it over and over. I said no.

So, he goes out. Buys the kids bunk beds and the first word out of S9's mouth when he gets home is can I stay at daddy's tomorrow? He bought bunk beds. 

First words out of my daughter's mouth? I can't wait to go to daddy's tomorrow so I can see "OW!" 

I felt like I was punched in the stomach. I told him today it was grossly inappropriate to be introducing a new woman a week after he walked out on us. He wants to know what's inappropriate about having a woman who is nice around the kids. Then he accused me of getting drunk each night while the kids are home??? Not sure where he got that. I NEVER drink when the kids are here. 

I feel like I'm railing against a wall. A big, stupid, ignorant, uncaring, arrogant wall.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

I'd venture to say that his involvement w the OW goes back to at least February (when you say things started going downhill). 

May have been emotional-only then, but its full-blown PA now. 

He's taking your children there already? For overnights? 
Damn - thats total disrespect for you. 

Quit waffling and get control of this situation.

Edit to add: I know it's much easier said than done. Sorry if I made it sound so simple. 

He's following "the script". Read some stories of others here on TAM (in the Coping With Infidelity section)...you'll see what "the script" means. 

.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

I'm cutting ties. I'm looking for full-time work and new apartments. Once I leave, he can have the rental house -- or break the lease. Because I make substantially less now, I'm going to inquiry about legal aid to assist with my divorce. Sooner rather than later is better at this point. My state has a 60-day waiting period. 

I think he has shown how much regard he has for me the last week. Even though I cant do anything about the OW and her influence on my kids, I can do something about the influence in my head. And I'll take comfort in knowing, she'll just be another one of my STBXH's casualties due to his inability to self-analyze his behavior and change his destructive tendencies. 

So, like everyone keeps telling me.... I got this. I got this.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

You can do it. Read the quote in my signature.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

OvaryPunch said:


> I'm cutting ties....
> 
> So, like everyone keeps telling me.... I got this. I got this.


Yes - you do. This is the first and most important step:
Just deciding that you will no longer be someone's doormat.

Have you seen the 180? 

Implementing the 180 will do wonders for your self esteem.

.


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

I have made plans on ways to better myself. Dreams I gave up when I got married. 

I know usually people start to get into shape at this point. I started that last year so I'm 10 lbs to goal weight. I'm going to take up running to help with stress relief and maybe take a yoga class if I can afford it. I have an appointment for IC tomorrow (hopefully not called for jury duty). 

I've read up on the 180. I've been horrible about implementing it so far but today really broke the camel's back. I've been trying so hard to save the marriage; now I have to work on letting it go. Focus on me and what I need. 

Visitation is going to be hard to deal with. His days off rotate so its constantly in contact with can I have them this day, can I have them this day. I finally told him I want an email every week of the days he wants and I will see if they fit my schedule. We'll see how that goes. 

I'm also making visitation in neutral places to keep him out of the house. Having him here makes it harder to stay here.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Surely he knows his work schedule more than a week in advance.


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

Yes, but he fails at life -- you know, making plans, being a grown up. He used to refer to me as our Events Coordinator because he didn't know how to do stuff like that.

Basically, he works 6 on - 2 off. Every six weeks he gets three day weekends. (He works law enforcement). 

So his days are going to constantly change making my life difficult. 

He took my kids for two overnights in a row. It was a really bad night for me. I miss them so much. I'm a SAHM self-employed, I ALWAYS have my kids. Its so quiet in my house. I had to turn the radio on. 

I got to IC tomorrow. Part of me thinks, what's the point? I originally scheduled it for MC and he says he's done not going to even try. 



Its stupid. After everything he put me through.... I miss him. Part of me wants to beg him to come home. I know I can't (no pathetic texting from me tonight!) I just...want my family back.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

OvaryPunch said:


> Its stupid. After everything he put me through.... I miss him. Part of me wants to beg him to come home. I know I can't (no pathetic texting from me tonight!) I just...want my family back.


Not stupid, not unusual. 

You long for that dream which has been destroyed. 

This is the roller coaster of emotions. 
The majority of people on TAM have been in your shoes. 

It sucks - but it will get better. 

.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Yeah...I think that is why so many people choose to ignore or deny these these things for so long...because really, we all want it to be like how it was before the D-Day. Once you step into reality-zone, you can never go back. 

"Why didn't I take the blue pill?"

This can very well be the best thing that happened to you, cos could you imagine living years unaware of your husband's behavior? Yes, it could be forever destroyed...but even if there is a sliver of a chance for reconciliation...this HAD TO happen first.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Stay strong OP. I promise it will get better.
Remember, you know he has problems handling the little details of life, but don't let that be his excuse for messing up your schedule. If he wants the kids, he has to arrange it-no last minute pick ups because he forgot. Finally, finally, you will be in a position to demand respect.


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

So, true story...

I went to IC this morning. The entire hour basically just rehashed everything that happened so I didnt find it particularly useful. She spouted stuff about visitation being for the child not the husband... blah blah. 

But, she told me that if I wanted my husband back I needed to understand her "mirror" concept. Whereby, we look for what we need in other people ... long story short, I need to consider myself in competition with the OW and if I want him to come home I need to give him EVERYTHING she is giving him plus more. I need to make him feel valued and blah blah...

And i'm listening to this thinking.... why is it all about him? He left his family! I get what she's saying on a LOGICAL level... but it makes me want to puke. Give up my self-worth (what little bit remains) and compete with a cheater to get back a cheater? 

On a side note, I cried a lot last night, but I did NOT text him. I stayed dark about it. And I call that a win for me.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

You need to tell her H if he doesn't know ready.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

OP, time to find a new counselor. This one is clueless.


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

She doesn't have one. He moved in with her.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

So if I understand you, your counselor told you that if you want the husband back who walked left you for another woman, that you should do what the OW is doing? (Like sleeping with someone else's husband?) Sorry, but that sounds like a bunch of crap. I cannot believe a mental health professional would suggest you give up all self-respect etc. to save a marriage. She's telling you to turn yourself into a door mat for your husband. Maybe you should try to find a different counselor.


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

I think she was just trying to give advice on what to do IF I wanted to pursue reconciliation. I'm not going to do that. I'll see her at least one more time to get a feel for what she has to bring to the table but if its more of what happened today I'll shop around for someone else.


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

Well, I took some important steps today. I opened a single bank account in just my name. I went to a staffing agency to get my resume in to be considered for their jobs. I have three other applications out for employment.

After going over the bills, I don't think I can afford to stay in the house. The STBXH wants the house so I've got to scrape together the money to get my own place for me and the kids. 

I find the more I'm here, the more I get into thoughts of "maybe he'll come back". I think I need to just remove myself as soon as possible from our "family" atmosphere and get a place of my very own to start over. 

I just am so impatient. I wish I'd get some interviews going! I REALLY don't want to work outside the house but I'm anxious to get on with life. I do wish we could've worked it out.. but now that its obvious we aren't, c'mon, let's go!!


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Can he afford to keep the house alone?


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

No. But he doesn't realize it yet. We are severely in debt and I've tried to be upfront with him regarding it all but he won't listen. Honestly, he can't afford to divorce me. The amount he's going to pay in child support is going to make his budget VERY tight. 

But its not my concern. He walked out on me. I've got a good idea of what I need to get by and I'm focusing on that.


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## nodespair (Jun 4, 2011)

Ovary, I am so sorry you are going through this. I understand the shock of finding out your spouse is cheating. I can relate to finding numerous text messages, my heart dropped and I am sorry you had to go through that. I feel so angry for you.

My husband said I would leave him on the street by taking child support, well too bad too sad, let them pay. They should think about all the financial implications before they walk out. I hope you find a job soon. Get on Careerbuilder and submit your resume to any positions that you think will fit well. I hope the rest of your day goes really well. Remember, DO NOT text him or call him, text a friend or message any of us on here. That is what I have been telling myself but in a surge of emotion it all goes downhill. TAM has been helping though.


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

I haven't texted him about personal matters in four days. I have been dark except for matters involving money or the children. I'm polite but not forthcoming. In fact, I didn't even cry myself to sleep last night. I just went to bed. Its a first since he walked out. 

I am SUPER excited though. He took the kids Monday night and I get them back in the next hour or so. I miss them so much when they are gone. Getting a job outside the house is going to be the worst (considering I lose them on visitation too!) but I'm living by the motto of you gotta do what you gotta do.


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

It was a really rough night.  I thought I was doing really good until I saw him. 

The kids had a minor meltdown when they got home. Really out of control, my D3 was crying most of the night over various things. I really wanted to call and beg him to come home... so I went to my parents instead and cried on my mom's shoulder. 

It was a hard night.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

So glad you went to your Moms instead of begging. 

.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

You have been more like a mother to your husband than a wife it sounds like. He has been acting like an irresponsible little boy for far too long: cant handle money; can't schedule; can't make plans; can't do anything for himself. He's dependent, and your are codependent. The book _Codependent No More_ by Melodie Beattie might be useful to you, along with the workbook that comes along with it.

You've been caretaking him, mothering him, and letting him off the hook for his irresponsible behavior and now he's gone off the rails. That relationship _will_ fall apart, and when it does he's going to come running back to you, crying, saying he's sorry, etc, and expecting you to take him back and "fix" it again. 

You need a husband who is a partner with you, and in order to get that point where you will be able to have a man around as your equal and not your little boy, you'll need to do some significant work on yourself. You won't be able to do it by taking him back. Cut the ties; file for divorce. It sounds like he's a complete disaster for you anyhow.

Why have you been putting up with that behavior in the first place? Why were you allowing him to act so irresponsible?

If your IC doesn't deal with those type of questions, get another. From what you said so far, that IC sounds terrible.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Arendt said:


> You have been more like a mother to your husband than a wife it sounds like. He has been acting like an irresponsible little boy for far too long: cant handle money; can't schedule; can't make plans; can't do anything for himself. He's dependent, and your are codependent. The book _Codependent No More_ by Melodie Beattie might be useful to you, along with the workbook that comes along with it.
> 
> You've been caretaking him, mothering him, and letting him off the hook for his irresponsible behavior and now he's gone off the rails. That relationship _will_ fall apart, and when it does he's going to come running back to you, crying, saying he's sorry, etc, and expecting you to take him back and "fix" it again.
> 
> ...


Arendt,

You saved me plenty of typing on this one.

Spot on brother.

The voice of experience.


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

Arendt said:


> You have been more like a mother to your husband than a wife it sounds like. He has been acting like an irresponsible little boy for far too long: cant handle money; can't schedule; can't make plans; can't do anything for himself. He's dependent, and your are codependent. The book _Codependent No More_ by Melodie Beattie might be useful to you, along with the workbook that comes along with it.
> 
> You've been caretaking him, mothering him, and letting him off the hook for his irresponsible behavior and now he's gone off the rails. That relationship _will_ fall apart, and when it does he's going to come running back to you, crying, saying he's sorry, etc, and expecting you to take him back and "fix" it again.
> 
> ...


You are absolutely right. I do have co-dependent issues. And I'm going to give my IC one more chance before I start shopping around. 

I know all of this in my head -- but its easy to rationalize it to yourself (and not an excuse, but my dad/moms relationship is exactly the same way so I know where some of it comes from)... anyways, I appreciate your candor and you are absolutely right.

Now, for the reason I am here today! I need some super duper positive vibes, guys! I got a potential job on the hook! The staffing agency found a fit for me and are submitting my resume to the hiring director for consideration. Its less pay than i want but its flexible hours which I sorely need with a school-age child.

Good ju-ju guys!


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

The good vibes are being sent !


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

They already called for interview next week! Yay!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Congrats.


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

How do you deal with the loss of family? I went to my niece's 8th grade graduation this morning. The whole time I was thinking, he should be here. He was very close to her. She obviously was upset he wasn't there.  I dont know what to say to her... or if its even my place. 

I find myself driving through his territory on my way home in hopes of glimpsing him. I try to tell myself because its the easiest highway onramp but in truth... I want to see him...I gotta stop it.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Been there, it's hard, but it does get easier. 
.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

OvaryPunch said:


> How do you deal with the loss of family? I went to my niece's 8th grade graduation this morning. The whole time I was thinking, he should be here. He was very close to her. She obviously was upset he wasn't there.  I dont know what to say to her... or if its even my place.
> 
> I find myself driving through his territory on my way home in hopes of glimpsing him. I try to tell myself because its the easiest highway onramp but in truth... I want to see him...I gotta stop it.


Stop being mom by spying and worrying.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

OvaryPunch said:


> I find myself driving through his territory on my way home in hopes of glimpsing him.


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

For clarification, I don't mean like driving by the OW's house and spying in his windows. He works law enforcement on the BUSIEST commercial street in town. Its not like residential where I'm obviously out of place type a deal and have no business being there.

But I get what you are saying and its not right and I need a 2x4.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

OvaryPunch said:


> But I get what you are saying and its not right and I need a 2x4.


Welcome to Club Lumber.


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

I was just blindsided by text message. I tried to be detached and ended up failing. 

He sends me a random text asking if we were going to do this "amicably" or if we were both planning on getting lawyers. I responded with I dont understand what that means.

He said are we just going to use "one lawyer" or are we lawyering up? I told him I wasn't really thinking about the divorce right now and was taking everything a day at a time (I mean he left two weeks ago!)

He accused me of emptying out one of our accounts (I didnt) and when I tried to defend myself he ended up with I will assume we are both going to get lawyers then and that he has tried to be "civil".. (Not sure when that happened). Now he's not responding to my last text message.

Sigh. I got sucked in.

A**hole. He's the one who overdrafted the checking account to buy the kids bunk beds at his OW's house and he just realized I didn't deposit my paycheck into that account and is pissed he has no money.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

OvaryPunch said:


> I was just blindsided by text message. I tried to be detached and ended up failing.
> 
> He sends me a random text asking if we were going to do this "amicably" or if we were both planning on getting lawyers. I responded with I dont understand what that means.
> 
> ...


Perfectly reasonable not to furnish posOW's place.


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

I'm not sure where he EVER got the idea I'd be fine with one lawyer. EVER! You can be amicable with two attorneys. I'm not stupid and I'm not going to run over by this divorce. Gimme a break. I asked if there was a rush to get the divorce finalized that I was unaware of and he shut down communications. 

d-bag.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Nothing spells doom faster to an affair relationship like adding instant family and being broke. Sit back and enjoy as his new relationship is already gonna start cracking. Now get those divorce/legal separation papers in FAST, to lock up what income he has, and protect your kids' future with child support.

If you are filing the divorce, you can always call it off at the last minute, if he comes crying back for a R. That choice will now be yours, not his. I'd further neglect any response from him with one swift comment "Don't call or text me, that's why I have an attorney". I'd go ahead and get your name off ANY joint accounts before he tries to bleed them, or max out credit issues.


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

I dont have an attorney. I can't afford it yet. I have a job interview next week but was relying on his income to pay the bills for the rent. I can swing the rest of the bills but need help for rent and since he says he wants the house when I get an apartment I think that is beyond reasonable.

He has no credit cards -- terrible credit. I have since applied and received a secured credit card to build my own credit. 

I just feel blindsided, he's being an unbearable douche with unjustified anger.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

OvaryPunch said:


> I dont have an attorney. I can't afford it yet. I have a job interview next week but was relying on his income to pay the bills for the rent. I can swing the rest of the bills but need help for rent and since he says he wants the house when I get an apartment I think that is beyond reasonable.
> 
> He has no credit cards -- terrible credit. I have since applied and received a secured credit card to build my own credit.
> 
> I just feel blindsided, he's being an unbearable douche with unjustified anger.


He's unhappy and it's all your fault.

Basically, the opening line to 95% of all posts in this forum.


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

Of course, he told me that often enough. "Abuse and disappointment" was the last one before I went dark. 

I suspect he's embarrassed. He probably made it seem like he had more money than he did and now that it comes time to pony up... turns out he's mooching.


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

He noticed that stopped communicating about the relationship though. 

"I've been wondering why you stopped talking about it." Then he ended the conversation in a d-bag fashion about getting our own attorneys.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

OvaryPunch said:


> Of course, he told me that often enough. "Abuse and disappointment" was the last one before I went dark.
> 
> I suspect he's embarrassed. He probably made it seem like he had more money than he did and now that it comes time to pony up... turns out he's mooching.


You've exposed them, right?


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

There really wasn't anyone to expose to. I exposed to my SIL and my family. His dad left his wife for a cheater and married her. That wouldn't have done any good. His mom is in poor health... I wasn't going there. 

Our joint friends know...

sadly, no one really seemed to care and she's divorced anyway.. has three kids with three different guys.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

OvaryPunch said:


> There really wasn't anyone to expose to. I exposed to my SIL and my family. His dad left his wife for a cheater and married her. That wouldn't have done any good. His mom is in poor health... I wasn't going there.
> 
> Our joint friends know...
> 
> sadly, no one really seemed to care and she's divorced anyway.. has three kids with three different guys.


They're doomed.


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

He refuses to even admit its a thing! He says he had no where else to go and she's just his friend. Who he lied to go visit.. and then lied about lying... texted over 2500 times in one month. :eyeroll:

I deserve better. 


Side note, cause I find it hilarious -- karma's a *****. His boss on his second job (where he met her) lives next door to my parents and told my sister that he is getting a lot of complaints at work that my WH is getting free food from a vendor and spending all his time in the store where she works instead of making his rounds.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

OvaryPunch said:


> He refuses to even admit its a thing! He says he had no where else to go and she's just his friend. Who he lied to go visit.. and then lied about lying... texted over 2500 times in one month. :eyeroll:
> 
> I deserve better.
> 
> ...


You exposed there also?


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

No, its off-duty work through his normal employment. And law enforcement is pretty much ridiculous about cheating. Its rampant in those places. Its assumed if you are married when you join, you'll be divorced in five years. I met him after he was on the force for awhile so I thought we'd be ok. They cheat, they switch partners, they divorce and marry other officer's wives. I guess I thought he was above it. And he already has a pretty crappy rep down there anyway. I suppose in a way I did. I exposed to my SIL -- whose husband (his brother) also works there, her father is former officer and her cousin is an LEO. So... there's that. 

Bottom line, no one really cares. And that's really sad.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

OvaryPunch said:


> A**hole. He's the one who overdrafted the checking account to buy the kids bunk beds at his OW's house and he just realized I didn't deposit my paycheck into that account and is pissed he has no money.


Well played, OP, well played. 

.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

I'm having guilt now. UGH! Mindf**k. When he said goodnight to the kids, he sounded weird (like stuffy)... 

Now, I'm thinking, he needs money maybe I should put some in the account for him. 

Talk me down, guys! Talk me down!


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

If you want a chance to R. DONT DO IT. let him see the grass isn't greener. If he's gonna get out of his fog, he's gonna have to see what he's done. You bailing him out, doesn't help that right now.
Stay strong, stay away, stay focused.


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

You're right. 

I just am putting myself in his shoes. He hasn't seen his kids in three days (with 1-1/2 more) and i feel sorry for him. But then again, he chose the days. 

Ugh. this whole situation sucks. I'm going to talk to my IC about co-dependency and my over-mothering issues. He's a grown effin man and I need to treat him as such.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

OP, you put money where he can get it, I'm coming to Chicago and kick your ass. 

.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

OvaryPunch said:


> Now, I'm thinking, he needs money maybe I should put some in the account for him.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

OvaryPunch said:


> I have since applied and received a secured credit card to build my own credit.


Oh... "Build credit"? Read _Total Money Makeover_, by Dave Ramsey.



old timer said:


> OP, you put money where he can get it, I'm coming to Chicago and kick your ass.


No need, OT, I'm right there already.  Besides, when I'm done, I can pick up all that lumber... I need to build a new deck anyway.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Roger that. ^^^

.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

... I'm not in Chicago? 

I didn't do it. Instead, I went out this morning, got my hair done (I look HAWT!) and got lunch with my sister. I did allow the kids to go with him this evening BUT before I get yelled at... they really needed to see him. It's been four days. It wasn't about him. And I truly mean that. 

You know, I had a moment of clarity today. After the kids went off, I went to my sister's to help her assemble a bed. And when we were halfway through I said to her (without really thinking about it)... "You know the reason I'm helping you right? Cause WH wouldn't ever let me put anything together because I did it wrong once and he said I'd mess it up."

Mental 2x4. If I heard another woman say that to me, I'd slap her. Wouldn't LET?! 

The entire drive home I felt better than I have in awhile. Like I accomplished something (and I did cause she was effin it up!) 

So, now I'm going to relax for awhile. 

Thanks guys.


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

Pbartender said:


> Oh... "Build credit"? Read _Total Money Makeover_, by Dave Ramsey.


I have read it. And I've always wanted to implement it but its pretty impossible without both spouses on board. I don't NEED credit and I have no intention of using the card for any other purpose than to buy a tank of gas once in awhile. I understand credit is dangerous. But I don't want to suffer higher auto insurance because of terrible credit and some day might like to buy a house. Shrug. Its easier to have decent credit than bad credit sometimes.

Plus I called about my car... its completely in his name which means I WILL have to refinance it. Maybe if I can get my credit score fixed up a bit it'll help with the horrendous interest rate.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

OvaryPunch said:


> ... I'm not in Chicago?


What a shame... That would have built a REALLY big deck. 



OvaryPunch said:


> I didn't do it. Instead, I went out this morning, got my hair done (I look HAWT!) and got lunch with my sister.


:smthumbup:



OvaryPunch said:


> I have read it. And I've always wanted to implement it but its pretty impossible without both spouses on board.


What spouse? I only see an ex.


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

Pbartender said:


> What spouse? I only see an ex.


I was speaking past-tense. I couldn't do it BEFORE because of that. I have every intention of doing it now!


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

OvaryPunch said:


> I was speaking past-tense. I couldn't do it BEFORE because of that. I have every intention of doing it now!


Rock on. :smthumbup:

I had the same logjam... Without her, I'll be debt free by the end of the year, except for my mortgage. And I can have paid off in less than 7 years, if I work hard at it.

Good Luck.


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

I got sucked in, sh*t on and then dumped out by text message today. I shouldn't have engaged him. By the end of the conversation I got, I cant even TELL you the real reason why I left. It would hurt you too much. And then he refused to tell me. 

Sigh. I know the reason. Your a POS. 

I've decided to move out of the rental house. I dont want to keep it. Everyday just makes me feel like I'm dependent on him. I'm going to move in with my sister and bank the money for an attorney. He's completely out in left field and not even touching reality anymore and I dont want R anymore. 

I just want to move on and be independent and answerable only to myself. 

Its a sad day today.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Whose name is the rental in?
You are only dependent on another person is that is how you chose to live.


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

The rental house is in both of our names but its out in the country, costs me a crap ton in gas to go to town and I don't want to be here. He moved out but I was staying long enough to get money to get an apartment. 

I meant financially dependent. He is paying the bills here so I am dependent on that. He spouted off how he's getting an attorney on Friday and I asked if that meant he wasn't going to pay the rent. He started being a **** and said I could go to the shelter and he'd take the kids. 

BUT he wants to stay here. So I'm going to take the next two days while he has his overnight visit to move out. Bank some money and help my sister with some of her bills while I live there and get my own place. Hoping and praying my interview goes well on Thursday.


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

Once I take mine and the kids things, I'll email him that he can move back in at any time and pay the bills and give him the deadlines for switching the utilities into his name (meaning they are getting shut off this day so you better switch em over)...

Its very isolated out here and every day I'm here I see some of his stuff and at first it made me sad. Now it makes me angry. He can stay out here. Look at the kids stuff and feel isolated for all I care. I'm out.


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

Well, I moved out of the house and into my sisters. Just in the lick of time too, he overdrafted our joint bank account, my PayPal account and then switched his direct deposit to his own account. 

He did however seem very surprised that I moved. I'm assuming he wanted me to beg him to pay my bills. And he reassured me that if I want to move back in he will help me do so. He's so considerate. *sarcasm*

I asked him his plans to fix the overdraft he caused. I was told to just let him know the amount to deposit. 

I get a text from him asking about the utilities. I gave him ten days. He says he may need longer because he might still have a collection in his name. You want me to effin HELP you? You stupid SOB. ASK YOUR GIRLFRIEND!


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

But in an effort to be *helpful* he did send me a text this morning (waking my daughter up) with an apartment I might want to check in to.

Oh and according to my son he pawned his brand new $400 stihl chainsaw for $100 to buy him a Wii video game from a resale shop. "but don't tell your mom."

Priorities, ya know....


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Good gosh, he's such a jerk.
Do not give him more than the ten days to change the utilities. He's bouncing checks on the joint account and still has the nerve to ask for your help. Remind him that you need to provide for the children NOT him. My STBXH wants to reduce child support because he might have to move, "and ....you know, that costs money" So his children are supposed to go without so daddy can get a new place? I don't think so. 
These narcissistic-type men are so self-absorbed. They think they are doing us a favor when it is always, always about them. I know there are good, honest, reliable, thoughtful men in the world, but I'm not divorcing one of THOSE.


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

I got the funniest most butthurt text message from him today.

Basic jist, he wanted me to tell him how much to put in the account to cover everything. I listed out the items and added plus overdraft fees. He responds with whats the total? I listed them out again and said I was too busy to find out the total he needed to handle it. He asked me why I was being so rude when I screwed him with the rent, utilities, his collection bill. I got to go share expenses with my sister and moved my kids to an ATTIC (the horror!) and I left him with nothing.

For the first time since this began, I got a fight inducing text message... that just made me laugh. and laugh. and share with others who also laughed.

THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED! You wanted the house? Did you think the bills were going to pay themselves?? Seriously? I didn't even respond. I'm going to tally up the total and send it in response later and not speak to him again until its about the kids. As soon as that account is positive, I'm removing my name.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Well he's obviously irresponsible. The only question is what are you going to do? Are you going to continue to enable the behavior or not? 

You focus a lot on him, and not much on what is causing you to keep enabling this. Moving out is one step, but didn't people here mention weeks ago to separate your finances from him so that overdrafts and such things don't happen to you? Also, if you are going to separate form him, since he's so irresponsible with money, you may want a legal separation so you are not responsible for his future mishaps, and there are likely to be a lot. 

If you start focusing on yourself and stop being his mom you'll probably be a lot happier and grow quite a bit.


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

Arendt said:


> Well he's obviously irresponsible. The only question is what are you going to do? Are you going to continue to enable the behavior or not?
> 
> You focus a lot on him, and not much on what is causing you to keep enabling this. Moving out is one step, but didn't people here mention weeks ago to separate your finances from him so that overdrafts and such things don't happen to you? Also, if you are going to separate form him, since he's so irresponsible with money, you may want a legal separation so you are not responsible for his future mishaps, and there are likely to be a lot.
> 
> If you start focusing on yourself and stop being his mom you'll probably be a lot happier and grow quite a bit.


As soon as the account is positive today, I'm removing my name from it. I'm looking for a job; working hard at my self-employment to continue to support my kids. I can't afford a lawyer yet.  Some things just take time. I wish I could go file today... but I just can't.


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh the hypocrisy. I can't breathe, people!

I sent WH a text informing him the kids were going to be an hour late on visitation tomorrow because we had plans and if it was a problem he could keep them an hour later. 

He responded with "that's fine" (like I was asking his permission) then a few minutes later he sends a text asking what the plans were so we didn't "overlap" on our plans tomorrow. 

I waited a while waffling between none of your gd*mn business and its not unreasonable to take kids to a movie so it could overlap. So I just replied with we were invited to a movie and left it at that. (Now, i realize he was fishing and I shouldnt have entertained a response)

He follows it up with the name of a male officer he knows who lives next door to my parents "(insert name), I assume?". I told him I didn't understand his question. He told me that we know a lot of the same people and word travels.

BWAHAHA!

So, you can shack up with a chick and I'm not allowed to ask about it. But you can take sh*t out of thin air and ... I was just speechless. Just wow. And no, we do not know a lot of the same people. I stopped talking to EVERYBODY but blood kin the second you started this crap. 

RIDICULOUS!!! (And no, I didn't respond to that nonsense.)

:lol:


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

Why is he so angry?

Background:
He sends me a text at 10 pm asking what days he can have kids this week. Last minute like usual. I've requested he email me in advance and he refuses. 

I responded with Wednesday works for me. He said he would like an additional day since his overnights aren't until Saturday evening. I said he could have them Tuesday but I have an appt at 245 so exchange would be an hour later than usual. He starts pressing me about why can't he meet me there and blah blah. I said no. (It's blatant fishing... He wants to know where I will be.) 

I sent "Respectfully, you asked and I answered. You can have them any of the next three nights with one small exception. Pick two nights. Let me know"

I got back:
Why are you being such a b1tch! You're the one pulling **** lately. Trying to max out a signature loan you're expecting me to pay for? All I want is to see my ****ing kids. I don't want a war but it seems like your pushing for one."
--scratching my head--

Where was I being a b1tch? I was being generous if you ask me? In a panic two days after he left I sent my credit union an email asking about adding onto the loan that's in MY name... They never got back to me until today 5weeks later.

Why is he so angry? I didn't cheat and walk out on him. What's the deal? I've barely said two words to him in 2-3 weeks!

Sigh. I didn't respond back. 

Advice?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

How would he know about the credit line increase request?
.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

old timer said:


> How would he know about the credit line increase request?
> .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think the credit union called him. Only thing i can figure. They are a very small 2-person operation at his place of employment. They do not have their stuff together. I pulled my credit reports. They have me listed as a cosigner on his personal loan as well which is incorrect. I was listed on his previous vehicle but am nowhere on my car. It's part of why I changed my mind about going through with it. Get completely away from that atmosphere.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Do you have any personal accts there?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

old timer said:


> Do you have any personal accts there?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have a savings acct with the required $5 for membership but otherwise no, my main bank is elsewhere. He has no access to it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

You say your credit report shows you as cosigner on a loan, which you say you are not. 

It would behoove you to go to the CU and see what loans they show you being a guarantor. 

If its a small office, and he knows them well, there's a possibility that he took some paperwork out of there to have you sign it, and brought it back "signed", without your knowledge. I've seen this happen before. 

Worth checking, IMO. 
.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

old timer said:


> You say your credit report shows you as cosigner on a loan, which you say you are not.
> 
> It would behoove you to go to the CU and see what loans they show you being a guarantor.
> 
> ...


Man, that never even occurred to me. He's using them as his primary bank now. Ill go down first thing tomorrow. Thanks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

old timer said:


> If its a small office, and he knows them well, there's a possibility that he took some paperwork out of there to have you sign it, and brought it back "signed", without your knowledge. I've seen this happen before.


Furthermore, if he did, it's both fraud and forgery.


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

*Toxic Text Messages*

I called and checked. They called him because they didn't realize we were divorcing. 

He also started texting my sister this morning apologizing that I was "burdening" her and that he tried to get me to stay with the house.

Geez. I don't want to stay in this story anymore. I wish I could completely limit contact but with the kiddos...


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

He's LEO, right?

Even if he did do something shady, expect it to get "handled", with no consequences for him. 

Just be satisfied to get your name off any loans there. 

.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

Actually, I would expect the opposite. He is NOT well liked down there. I think they would jump at the chance to get rid of him. He's brash, outspoken and doesn't have good people skills. 

And our local PD has been marred a bit by police officers getting away with stuff in the past that now they come down on them pretty hard -- when caught for fear of the news catching wind of it.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

That's refreshing to hear, lol


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

*Today Was a Good Day!*

I went to an interview today. It was a last minute deal. After the interview, he told me he "loved my personality" and if I was interested that he'd like me to join the team. 

Holy God! YES! I got a job today! I feel like a huge weight was lifted off of me. I left the job interview and went to my sister's and told her and she had gotten into a text tiff with my STBXH.... even that couldn't bring me down today. Now I'm just waiting for him to call me back to set up the start date. 

Step One: Get a Job --- Complete
Step Two: Apartment! --- here I come....


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Good for you. 

I start a new job tomorrow, as well. 
.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Grats Ovary, and OT, truly great news. Welcome to the first steps to the rest of your lives!!!


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

old timer said:


> Good for you.
> 
> I start a new job tomorrow, as well.
> .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Awesome! Congrats to you!


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

OP and OT congrats to you both on the new jobs!
OP I cannot believe this guy. Apologizing to your sister! Its as though he thinks he controls the universe. The anger part I totally get. The more his world crumbles, the more desperately he wants some one else to be the cause, and the easiest target he has is you. Let it wash over you and keep going girl.


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

Yeah, its been a roller coaster of a few days of text messaging with him. Yesterday it was "why does our daughter have a skin rash" which he unnecessarily took her to the doctor for. Today it was why is a therapist calling trying to make an appointment for our son. (I specifically told him about it. I have a witness to it)...

Then he had the [email protected] to ask about my new job that my daughter told him about and the new bunk beds they got for the new apartment. 

I just told him we got bunkbeds for when we get a new apartment and the name of the place I'm working now. No other details. My sister wanted me to respond back with stuff about boundaries and staying out of my personal business but I really just didn't want to continue the conversation. Don't engage is my new philosophy. 

On a side note, I start my new job Monday. I'm enrolled in an English class for the fall and I have a strategy for saving up my money.

Now, I need advice from you guys. With two kids, what should be my priority? A new apartment for stability? Or filing for divorce? It'll cost about the same for either. The apartment is out of his zone (unlike my current place) so he can't keep driving by. But filing for divorce means less contact about other matters and moving towards finality.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

I'm assuming you've spoken w an atty to see what the financial terms post-divorce will be. 

Eta: what's the reason for the English class? 
.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

I've consulted an attorney and have a good idea what will happen financially after the divorce. 

I've been going to school part-time the last few years to finish my degree. I skipped last semester due to marital problems and stuff but I'm going to finish it. I'm about 2-3 part-time semesters away from my associates and then I'll be finishing my bachelor's degree. English just happens to be the next class I need.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

I think getting the apt would be what I'd concentrate on. 

Would your atty consider breakIng up his fees over time, so you could pursue both?
.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I agree with OT, get the apartment. That way when you are dealing with the D (and more always comes up), you and the kids will have your home. The stability of knowing the apt. is yours will give you strength for dealing with work, school, kids, attorneys.


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

Thanks guys! That was my thoughts too. 

OT- the one I consulted didn't offer that but I'm going to shop around. 

Told the ex I needed him to take the kids next Thursday because I had something.

"Oh, ok. No problem."

Waited about ten seconds

"We'll, do you know where you'll be?"

My internal dialogue

"No dumbazz. I plan on roofie-Ing myself early in the evening for plausible deniability."

Still trying to control. Sigh. 

I just said I have plans with (insert name). Which I shouldn't have even offered.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

OvaryPunch said:


> OT- the one I consulted didn't offer that but I'm going to shop around.


They usually won't offer... But you inform them about your financial situation and ask about options for payment, any good lawyer will find a way to work out something with you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

OvaryPunch--I love your screenname.

Ok... this guy wants out so let him go. Your plan sounds good - apt, school, divorce, saving money. Win win.


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

Pbartender said:


> They usually won't offer... But you inform them about your financial situation and ask about options for payment, any good lawyer will find a way to work out something with you.


The one I met in person, I told her I didn't have it all up front. She said come back when you do. So ill have to call around.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> OvaryPunch--I love your screenname.
> 
> Ok... this guy wants out so let him go. Your plan sounds good - apt, school, divorce, saving money. Win win.


I thought it sounded pretty good too. Another benefit --- > an addtl 25 lbs lost on the divorce diet. I'm within 7 lbs of goal weight and fit into a size 8 for the first time since school.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I haven't read through your entire thread but yes it sounds like he is cheating. 2500 text messages to her in a month? I barely send out 100 texts a month, total, to everyone. Craaazy. 

And his wanting to divorce so fast... usually when men do that and are having all these close interactions w/ another woman, it's because he's cheating. 

Get tested for STDs and plan for your future w/o him. Sorry you got a dud.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

OvaryPunch said:


> I thought it sounded pretty good too. Another benefit --- > an addtl 25 lbs lost on the divorce diet. I'm within 7 lbs of goal weight and fit into a size 8 for the first time since school.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sweet! Treat yourself to a new hot ovary-punching outfit!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh and if her husband doesn't know, enlighten him about their shennanigans.


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

So, yesterday, I get an out-of-the-blue text message asking if there was a time we could get together "without an audience". He has some things he'd like to say and things he'd like to discuss. I offered to have my sister watch the kids for a few minutes at the next drop off. He said it would take longer and he doesn't want to do it at my/my sister's house. I asked what it was in regards to. He said nevermind. 

He picks kids up and is in a "something is obviously not right' mood. But whatevs I went out with friends and had a super awesome night. 

Today, I started my job. 30 minutes in I get a text asking how my first day at work is. An hour later he asks about drop off times. I respond about a 30 minutes later with the time for the drop off. I get "So are we not allowed to talk about 'non-kid' related things anymore?" I just said I was working and couldn't talk but it was going fine thanks for asking.

I just want to say I'M NOT YOUR FRIEND ANYMORE. You lost that when you threw me away for another woman.

UGH.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

I think that's a perfectly acceptable thing to say. Just use lower case letters and put a smiley on the end.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

I'm just curious OP, so you never had the talk? 

Hats off to ya for standing your ground, I would have been crazy wondering if he finally wanted to "apologize", but I guess its safer to not go there at all until/when the conversion starts off with it.


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

He's still living with his girlfriend and taking my kids there even though he kept the house.... It wasn't the talk. 

I suspect it was a divorce talk or him trying to smooth his guilt. He recently told a mutual acquaintance that he feels villainized because no one is interested in "his side". 

I figure if he really wants to apologize or attempt R he wouldn't wait, drag his feet or "never mind" me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

"I'm not your friend anymore". 



sandc said:


> I think that's a perfectly acceptable thing to say. Just use lower case letters and put a smiley on the end.


I agree w sandc. 

.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Gotcha, 

Well then, let him worry about his own guilt.


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

Thanks guys. It's just really frustrating... Trying to limit contact is difficult enough with kids without weird signals... Or interpreting things to have meaning that dont Sigh. I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around him really being gone. Just when I think I have a handle on it... My phone chirps....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

It's tough OP. 

One thing for sure, no chance of R with a third person involved. 

You're doing as well as can be expected right now. 

Stand your ground for your own self respect. 
.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Hi op , sorry about your sitch , damn tough ugly sh1t l know , unfortunately.
l feel like saying that friend [not] line too. like you , dunno how we manage though with kids and finances , dunno if it's right for my sitch - big part my fault , either.

Sometimes with us it's just too chatty chatty friendy bs'y though . My minds usually thinking oh right , so we're all good now and this is what we are now eh - hmm , pretty fkd !
l often ask myself though too , so what - being some stupid x couple that after 18 yrs that don't talk to each other when they have to go on raising a child's gonna be any better , dunno !
l reckon apartment first too. Keeping back in our old homes through all this really messes with your head, mine is.


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

Started getting messages today asking about reconciliation. Whether he thought we could get past everything. He's seeing a work therapist. blah blah.

I dont even know what else to say here. What do I do?


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Is he still w the OW?

.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

The kids stayed at her apartment Saturday through Monday so I assume so. He started Facebook messaging me tonight starting with the kids and moved the conversation to us. I ended the conversation with the future isn't set but it would be a long road. And signed off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Damn I had a feeling, that's why I asked a few posts ago.

Well congrats, the decision is all yours now, must be nice kind of sitting in the drivers seat. Time to ask yourself the tough questions: can you forgive? can you forget? can you move on?

I'm so damn proud of you for hanging in there, you did it! This is your reward............choice.

Im here to support you either way OP!!! Either way its still a lot of work ahead of you. Good luck!


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

I will admit.... It is nice to have the "upper hand" so to speak. But I honestly don't know. And h3ll no if he tries to continue contact with the ow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

POSOW needs to go before you even consider R. 

Tell him.

Sounds like he wants to relationship jump. 

Stay tough and stay the course.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Wheres that darn scorecard I was keeping.

The grass Is greener: 9

The grass is brown over here: 77


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

Yeah, I plan on telling him that about the posow. His last message to me was where do we even start. I squashed the conversation by saying I think we both need to think about that. I didn't want to get into specifics but keep it all hypothetical.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

He asked me to move back home. Says he doesn't want a divorce and he wants to go to marriage counseling. He apologized for everything and says he'll do whatever he needs to do to get me back. He moved out of the posOW's house, returned her key and went back to the rental house. He said he more than understands and would agree to no contact and is willing to quit the job there as long as I feel we could afford the loss of income.

Funnily, he also apologized for money issues in the relationship because now that he's doing it himself he realizes what a pain in the butt it is. He also wants to continue to keep balancing his own checkbook, etc, so he keeps involved with it.

So, that's the newest update.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Punch,

What do you want?


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

I just want my family back. Sigh. I want to not be in this story anymore. 

We've done a lot of talking and we are going to try and work on it. 

I guess I should move over to the reconciliation side, huh?

Thank you everyone. You really helped me out these last few weeks and I owe a huge debt.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Best of luck to you. 

.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

Just remember that during this time of reconciliation there will still be times of wildly swinging emotions.

There will be times you will look at him and wonder how you can continue with the R. There will be times you will burst into tears and feel like giving up. However, there can also be good times as you build a new relationship.

The main thing is for him to be open and honest and be willing to be under scrutiny so you can be sure he is behaving. You need to be willing to understand there may be things you need to change as to how to you relate to your H. By saying this I am in no way saying you caused the A, that is all his doing.

All the best with the future for the both of you.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

How are you faring, OP?


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