# Yet another broken heart.



## Audio21 (Aug 31, 2011)

Hi fellow members, thank you for taking the time to read this.

I'll try and keep it short and to the point:

I'm 30 and have been married for the last 11 years. My husband is 35 and a professional. We have a gorgeous 5 year old and are now expecting number 2. 

6 months ago I met a woman who I clicked with immediately, she became like a sister to me and I trusted her wholeheartedly because she gave me no reason not to. She is divorced with a child from her previous marriage. 

To break it up:

She had a bad date and came back to my house for dinner afterwards. My husband drove her home like he has done many times. All was normal. A few days ago I found out that they kissed that night in the car. 
They both say it was the very first time, it's never happened since and they agreed to keep it between themselves because they didn't want to hurt me (I know, a joke in itself!) 
At first when it came to light she said he came on to her and she pushed him off. Then he said she came onto him and he pushed her off. After much wearing down he's admitted that she held his hand and they BOTH leaned in to kiss one another. The kiss lasted 10-15 seconds and then they broke away both of them apologetic to the other and swearing never to tell me about it because it didn't mean a thing. 

I now know and am naturally devastated and don't know where to go with this. He keeps swearing that he wants us to get over this and move on but how can I do that? Two people I trusted the most in the world have betrayed me and to make it worse, 3 years ago he was away working and he ended up in a situation then with some woman, they kissed, had a fumble and then broke it off and it didn't go any further. When I found out about that it damn near finished me off and it was insanely hard to get to the point of moving on. Now this. 

Advice anyone?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

How did you find out?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

How did you find out about the kiss?

If it was only a kiss, then that's obviously better than the alternative. The bad news is that your husband has struggled with this before.

So, in the short term, I would stop associating with the other woman. I would insist on complete transparency from your husband. That means you can read his emails/Facebook/texts any time you want. I would also install a keylogger on your computer and/or a voice-activated recorder in his car to verify that he is remaining faithful.

Long term, I would go to couples counseling. Try to identify the reasons that your husband is vulnerable to cheating. Is he just a jerk who doesn't care about you or his family? Are there needs of his that aren't being met in the marriage that leave him vulnerable to other women?


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## totallyconfused (Mar 20, 2009)

1) End the friendship. Inform the other woman that she betrayed you and damaged your marriage and that your friendship is over. You can also say that you and your husband clearly need to work on your marriage and there is no room in your marriage for her interference.

2) Inform your husband that he must also end all contact with her immediately.

3) There are problems in your marriage. Your husband is tempted to cheat, if he hasn't already. Insist that you begin attending regular marriage counseling together. You might also both get individual counseling. Tell your husband that his behavior is a betrayal and that you need honesty from him, not lies. He needs to either ask for a divorce or commit to your marriage.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Sorry you are dealing with this Audio. I too am the person that is inclined to believe my spouse, I trusted her wholeheartedly and never would have conceived the idea of her betraying that trust, but yet she did. And when evidence inevitably started surfacing she only allowed little bits of the truth to trickle out, but in my case she was so deep in it she wasn't willing to even look back. Between my denial and her "shame" (which she still can't face) it prevented us from being able to get at the issue.

The reason I'm telling you this is to prepare you for the possibility of "trickle truth" because if/when you find out bit by bit that an affair is deeper than you were told, each time it will take another huge bite out of whatever trust you have left. You need to get to the bottom of this for your own sanity and at this point you can't trust any words that come from your H's, or your "friend's" mouths.

Ask yourself how long does it usually take for him to drive her home? You say he has driven her home often and obviously the attraction must have been there between them for awhile so why trust that only a kiss happened this last time, it very well may go so much deeper, and you could also be in a deep denial. You are warranted to do some investigating if you have any chance of cutting them off from each other - you need him to go no contact with her and you should write her out of your life because she is an enemy to your marriage.

If you do find it goes deeper, then you have some soul searching to do to decide if you can even life with this without feeling like you had to settle, and without feeling like second best. Best of luck to you and for your sake I hope your H was telling the truth and that you can nip this in the bud and fix your M.


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## Audio21 (Aug 31, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> How did you find out?


She had discussed it with a mutual friend of ours and that friend then came to me because she rightly felt that I need to know. He admitted to what he did 3 years ago because he said the guilt was too much although it took him 6 months from the event to come clean.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

know you have a very good friend, that was a tough thing for her to do and yet she chose to think of what's best for you instead of ignoring it

(the friend that told you obviously)


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## Audio21 (Aug 31, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> How did you find out about the kiss?
> 
> If it was only a kiss, then that's obviously better than the alternative. The bad news is that your husband has struggled with this before.
> 
> ...


Hi PHT, thank you for your advice. Her and I have stopped associating. She told me that I would end up a single mum to 2 children (for when the second one is born) and at that time I would need her so she would be there to support me. I didn't understand how she could assume that I'd in an instant end up a single mum? 
She also told me that I'd never leave him and she'd be the one to be thrown out because in these situations no one believes the woman, it's the man who gets away with it. 

I think counselling is a good idea for us. I keep asking him why he did it and he keeps telling me he "doesn't know" it was a moment of madness and the instant it happened he regretted it. He also told her that he loves me and would never leave me, something that she told me he said too. So I don't understand him? 

She's flirted with him many times and commented on how attractive he thinks she is. He's also said previously she's "not ugly" but we've always been very upfront about things like that and it's never bothered me. We've been out shopping together and I've been approached by men for my phone number, we've been in the car together and guys have pulled up next to us and wolf whistled at me but we've always been really open about it. I know it's IMPOSSIBLE for ANYONE to not notice the opposite sex and that doesn't bother me but my approach is "look don't touch" so I just don't know why he did it?
He's an amazing Dad, doesn't really drink except perhaps once a year, doesn't do drugs or gamble or anything like that so I'm just so confused.


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## Audio21 (Aug 31, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> know you have a very good friend, that was a tough thing for her to do and yet she chose to think of what's best for you instead of ignoring it


You're very right. She's not even someone I considered myself to be close to prior to this and yet she's shown me more loyalty and respect than my so called best friend and husband of over a decade have. The irony.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I think in many ways that the fact that he hid what happened is going to be a bigger sticking point than the fact he had a moment of weakness that he fortunately stopped before it went further. That is a breach of trust and it's something that will be hard to work through, moreso in some ways as to why he caved into a kiss.

It sounds as though that you do have a husband that is remorseful and willing to do what's necessary to help you and the marriage heal. That is a good thing and you can work through it and may even become closer in some ways.

Follow totallyconfused's advice on the next steps


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## Audio21 (Aug 31, 2011)

Lon said:


> Sorry you are dealing with this Audio. I too am the person that is inclined to believe my spouse, I trusted her wholeheartedly and never would have conceived the idea of her betraying that trust, but yet she did. And when evidence inevitably started surfacing she only allowed little bits of the truth to trickle out, but in my case she was so deep in it she wasn't willing to even look back. Between my denial and her "shame" (which she still can't face) it prevented us from being able to get at the issue.
> 
> The reason I'm telling you this is to prepare you for the possibility of "trickle truth" because if/when you find out bit by bit that an affair is deeper than you were told, each time it will take another huge bite out of whatever trust you have left. You need to get to the bottom of this for your own sanity and at this point you can't trust any words that come from your H's, or your "friend's" mouths.
> 
> ...


Lon so sorry for what you've been through. 

The term trickle truth is very, very true and not one I've heard before but a perfect description. He started off denying it all together, then blamed solely her and then finally told the truth (or who knows, part of it?) 
He's admitted clearly and over and over again since coming "clean" that he only lied because he was scared of my reaction, didn't want to do deal with the fallout and the two of them between themselves thought they could "cover it up". 

Question is how do I know it's the whole truth? I've considered lie detectors and he's agreed to do as many as I want in a heartbeat but I know they're not fool proof. He's in an absolute state. Looks like a wreck, isn't eating or sleeping and is functioning for his clients and business but that's about it. He keeps saying "sorry" - I HATE that word! And he keeps assuring me that he will do whatever it takes and begging me to trust him just once more. I'm just so hurt, so so hurt. My friend has categorically told me that she doesn't want to know anymore. She feels she needs to protect herself and her child and has walked away from the entire situation so I can't even quiz her further although the final truth that I now know is what they're both saying happened.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I agree, counseling is the way to go here. There is something in the marriage that isn't right - he knows it but you don't yet. Also, men can be pigs that are driven by lust (this coming form a man here). This may have always been under the surface with him and finally he broke the barrier of sexual desire for this woman.

Problem is, he could easily do it again and claim "i don't know" again. Tell him you want both of you to see a counselor to find out what is causing this. He has really broken your trust here.

Very sorry you are going through this.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

His showing remorse is a very good sign. Take him up on the polygraph or whatever it is you need to feel more comfortable. He probably feels he doesn't deserve you right now and wants to earn you back. Next move is yours.


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## Audio21 (Aug 31, 2011)

totallyconfused said:


> 1) End the friendship. Inform the other woman that she betrayed you and damaged your marriage and that your friendship is over. You can also say that you and your husband clearly need to work on your marriage and there is no room in your marriage for her interference.
> 
> 2) Inform your husband that he must also end all contact with her immediately.
> 
> 3) There are problems in your marriage. Your husband is tempted to cheat, if he hasn't already. Insist that you begin attending regular marriage counseling together. You might also both get individual counseling. Tell your husband that his behavior is a betrayal and that you need honesty from him, not lies. He needs to either ask for a divorce or commit to your marriage.


She sort of exploded her bomb in my life and then said she wanted nothing more to do with us so she ended the friendship before I even had time to gather my thoughts. But you're right, had she not ended it, I most certainly would've done. And my husband has said there will be zero contact between them. 

There are problems, I just don't know how to identify them. He has cheated because he kissed her and another woman 3 years ago so you're right the temptation for him is there. I keep asking him to tell me more but he says there's nothing more to say. Do I keep driving myself nuts with all the questions or do I accept that he's telling the truth?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Audio21 said:


> I've considered lie detectors *and he's agreed to do as many as I want in a heartbeat *but I know they're not fool proof. He's in an absolute state. Looks like a wreck, isn't eating or sleeping and is functioning for his clients and business but that's about it. He keeps saying "sorry" - I HATE that word! And he *keeps assuring me that he will do whatever it takes *and begging me to trust him just once more. I'm just so hurt, so so hurt. My friend has categorically told me that she doesn't want to know anymore. She feels she needs to protect herself and her child and has walked away from the entire situation so I can't even quiz her further although the final truth that I now know is what they're both saying happened.[/COLOR]


You have already gained what most here desire so badly (the willingness to do what it takes)

capitalize on it, it can be done

the wounds are fresh, but you will get better as he continues to demonstrate the willingness to be transparent


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## Audio21 (Aug 31, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> I think in many ways that the fact that he hid what happened is going to be a bigger sticking point than the fact he had a moment of weakness that he fortunately stopped before it went further. That is a breach of trust and it's something that will be hard to work through, moreso in some ways as to why he caved into a kiss.
> 
> It sounds as though that you do have a husband that is remorseful and willing to do what's necessary to help you and the marriage heal. That is a good thing and you can work through it and may even become closer in some ways.
> 
> Follow totallyconfused's advice on the next steps


You're very right, I keep asking him if he knew it was a mistake and he felt so horrific why didn't he just come and tell me the truth and let me make a decision for myself where at least he was admitting what he'd done. It's the lying, constant lying which has got to me. The kiss has hurt too but if he'd have told me then I don't know, this will sound silly but I'd have respected him for it.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

doesnt sound silly at all


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I'd want to ensure your hubby has delivered a No Contact notice to her as well -- one that you have seen or heard personally and approved of.

Yes, get yourselves into counseling and find out & deal with why he is 'vulnerable' -- something is missing at home for him (and perhaps for you, despite the fact that he's an amaizing dad and all-arounbd nice guy, the fact is he is a cheater. And a liar. Do not lose sight of that as you go through this ride... 

Before you go to counseling, I would sit him down, as calmly as possible, and give him the opportunity to come clean with (a) any further details about this "just one kiss" event, and all other preceding events with this ex-friend of yours. It didn't just happen... she and he both lied about it, even when it was exposed originally; something was seemingly getting covered up?...there was some form of EA beforehand, and it may help you to understand that... (b) any OTHER affair activity he might want to get out on the table, now...? You know of _one_ other such event. I would venture that it is at least likely this has happened other time(s)... (c) any further lies he's told you. Because as much as the kiss you know about is hurting you right now, the lying about it will become what tortures you more in the future as this all plays out. So find a way to 'connect' with him directly about just how important it is to you and the future of your marriage to get the truth, the whole truth, out of him now while he has the chance... because having it come out later, accidentally oron purpose in counseling, will be doubly devastating. 

I would then add (d) why in his opinion this ex-friend made the commentary about you ending up a single mom...might be very telling, although I doubt you will get much from him on this. But her comment is disturbing, and I'd be concerned about what he may have expressed to her, perhaps....

I might suggest writing it all down in question form (I so wish I had at the outset!), and giving him perhaps a day to write down replies... this way there is no debate about what was said or implied, no option for him to suggest your misunderstanding later on, and no emotional tension trying to provide an immediate verbal reply...enough time to think about the response with clarity and completeness. 

Good luck, sorry you are here.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

all excellent points and advice 2x's


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## Audio21 (Aug 31, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> You have already gained what most here desire so badly (the willingness to do what it takes)
> 
> capitalize on it, it can be done
> 
> the wounds are fresh, but you will get better as he continues to demonstrate the willingness to be transparent


Thank you for those words, they make me feel perhaps it's not a total loss but yes, he needs to continue to demonstrate total transparency.


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## Audio21 (Aug 31, 2011)

2xloser said:


> I'd want to ensure your hubby has delivered a No Contact notice to her as well -- one that you have seen or heard personally and approved of.
> 
> Yes, get yourselves into counseling and find out & deal with why he is 'vulnerable' -- something is missing at home for him (and perhaps for you, despite the fact that he's an amaizing dad and all-arounbd nice guy, the fact is he is a cheater. And a liar. Do not lose sight of that as you go through this ride...
> 
> ...


I've come to that conclusion too, something is missing. I'm not sure what it is but he seems willing and open to exploring it. I need to understand my emotions too, I keep swimming from sheer fury to dissolving in tears to hating him to wanting to throw my arms around him and help him. Thank you for your very insightful advice.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

It sounds like you at very early stages after discovery/DDay. The best advice I heard early on was to give myself time to process, to go through the verious emotions you are feeling, that I didn't have to 'decide' anything right away.

The second best advice was to brace myself for the worst case, for I was in for quite a ride I couldn't possibly fathom.

The best thing you have going for you is the apparent desire on both your parts. Use it to (re-)build something to work from and go from there. 

imho the children deserve your best shot, at the very least. But it's hard, so hard. Easily the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

it's now been 2 years since my wife starting having a PA (will be the 2 year dday anniversary in 17 days)

if I can get through it then you can

in fact in many many many ways my marriage is better than ever


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

audio21,

Your husband has had an *affair* and you seem to be handling the situation pretty good.

What concerns me is what is he thinking? Does he think "it was just a kiss" no big deal...just promise that it won't happen again and everything will be o.k.

If that's the case, then be prepared for it to happen again and again.

You seem to have a comfortable life (affair aside for a sec)...you have what many..many people desire. The professional husband..the kids...house...ect.

You must guard against who you let into your "inner circle" the fact that this women was able to infiltrate your circle and have an affair with your husband all within a 6 month time span is something to be very concerned with. Make no mistake she saw what you had and wanted it for herself..she wanted to replace you. _Best friendships_ are not developed in that short of a time. She sounds like a leach.

What can you do now?

I wouldn't trust your husband right now...he seems to be o.k with lying. A NC letter is a good place to start...then you can move into doing the hard work of recovery and fixing the marriage. Don't allow this to be swept under the rug! Affairs are a very serious thing even if it was "just a kiss"


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## So called TRUELOVE (Sep 17, 2012)

Hi from my own personal tragedy it never ends there more so if he has struggled with the issue before the best way to actually know is only by knowing his habits and what is out of the ordinary


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

year old thread!


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Audio21 said:


> Hi fellow members, thank you for taking the time to read this.
> 
> I'll try and keep it short and to the point:
> 
> ...


The first thing you need to know is his cheating is likely not due to anything you are doing or not doing. He is just a cheater type. Cheaters cheat. Rarely it is due to something the spouse is doing, but mostly it lies within the cheaters nature.

He has done this prior, known it upset you, yet has done it again. That is not a good sign. 

Also, if you bother to keep this sleazebag, get him into individual counseling. He has issues, obviously. 

Also, never let him be alone with a woman married or single. Make him prove he isn't. No more lunches out alone, no more driving a woman home, married or otherwise. 

Having a friend cheat who cheats with your husband is known as a double betrayal and it is very common. 

During my attempted R, there was a neighbor, likely aware, as were many, that my husband had cheated, was blatantly flirting with my STBEH one day and then the next, and all of a sudden, wanted to be my best friend. This sudden desire to befriend me happened after years of me trying to befriend her and her being a bit standoffish about it. Hmmmm.


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