# I dont love her



## starcaster (Jul 5, 2014)

I have been married for 8yrs.I got married 2yrs after my 1st wife died.
On reflecton,I don't think I was in my right mind when I got married.
I was struggling to find meaning in life and felt I could find this in religion-Islam.
I was impressed with their devotion and felt it would be good if I could find a woman who would support me in a more spiritual life.
To cut a long story short,I met a younger woman(14yrs younger) who wanted to marry me.She came from a strict Pataan background and basically ran away from home to marry me.
She told me that she never wanted children before and after we married.
Years down the line,she tells me she wants children.I dont.I dont think we get on well,I feel she is controlling and treats me like a child.I dont think it is a good recipie for having children.
She is approaching 38yr and so is thinking time is running out.
When I married,I didn't marry for love and told her a few times,but now I feel that she is persecuting me for not being in love with her and is pressurising me to have children.
I dont love her.
She is trying to say I have wasted her life,because she cannot go home and feels it is too late to meet someone new.
I feel emotionally blackmailed.
Its not looking good.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is she also Muslim?
Do you still consider yourself Muslim?

You are not happy. She is not happy. Please divorce her before she gets pregnant.

Sadly she took a huge risk on you and lost. But she's still young enough to find someone new and even had a child or two. So let her go now so that she can find someone who can love her.

You can then find whatever it is that you want.


.


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## starcaster (Jul 5, 2014)

We are both "muslim",but I dont have strict opinions on what this means.
The problem here is that she does not want me to "let her go".


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

starcaster said:


> We are both "muslim",but I dont have strict opinions on what this means.
> The problem here is that she does not want me to "let her go".


Do you have any intention of doing what is needed to meet her needs? You an even do things that will pretty much ensure that you both fall madly in love with each other. Are you willing to put yourself out to do this?

Or are you willing to live your life with a woman you do not love, have children with her, and be the best husband you can be?

If you are not willing to do one of the two above, you need to divorce her. sure she does not want you to leave her. She gave up everything to marry you. She loves you.

But you don't need her permission or agreement to divorce her. 

Does she really understand who little you care for her? Have you been clear about this?


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## starcaster (Jul 5, 2014)

I back off from pushing things,as I do feel incredibly guilty of ruining her life.S that doesn't mean I dont care.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It I were you and I chose to stay I would do everything in my power to fall madly in love. This way I too would not be wasting my life.

As it is right now you are both wasting your lives. 

So what do you want to do?


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## starcaster (Jul 5, 2014)

I have been madly in love in the past.It was not something I could control.Iam not quiet sure how I can manufacture this feeling?
I do care very much for her and do not want her to not experience this condition/mutually.
She becomes quiet threatening if I get too close to ending things.
She has told me I have an unhealthy relationship with my daughter and because of my wife I dont hardly see her.She also is accusing me of looking at other women in the street constantly.
Its these sort of things that make me question why Iam staying with a person who makes me unhappy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

starcaster said:


> I have been madly in love in the past.It was not something I could control.Iam not quiet sure how I can manufacture this feeling?


People have the mistaken belief that being madly in love is some kind of magical state that just happens. That’s not so. It created by the chemicals our brains produce. If our needs are met by our partner then we fall madly in love with them. 

The book “His Needs, Her Needs” talks about this and how to make it work. 


starcaster said:


> I do care very much for her and do not want her to not experience this condition/mutually.
> 
> She becomes quiet threatening if I get too close to ending things.


How does she threaten you? What does she threaten to do to you?

If you want to get a divorce this does not matter. Just file. 

Don’t expect her to like it.


starcaster said:


> She has told me I have an unhealthy relationship with my daughter and because of my wife I dont hardly see her.


What does she say is unhealthy about your relationship with your daughter? How old is your daughter?



starcaster said:


> She also is accusing me of looking at other women in the street constantly.


This is not good. But your wife has no reason to feel secure in her marriage with you. 


starcaster said:


> Its these sort of things that make me question why Iam staying with a person who makes me unhappy.


What does your wife say makes her unhappy with you and with your relationship?


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## starcaster (Jul 5, 2014)

Re- my daughter,she is now 27yrs,she lives along way from us and I havnt seen much of her,or as much as I would like,because Iam conscious of my wifes attitude.If you ask me,its jealousy,she doesn't have the same problem with my son.
However I do see that some of her insecurities may have come from our marriage.What she considers unhealthy is that she believes Iam too close to my daughter,I view my relationship as normal.
Can I also mention that my wife declines sexual intercourse,in fact I would say in 8 years,we have had actual intercourse about 8 times!
You may rightly ask,how does she expect to have a baby?She is planning on getting pregnant at the end of the year,so I guess she will be expecting me to do something I have all but forgotten..
This has ,over the years led me to become bored with the level of sex life we have,to the extent I dont bother initiating anything anymore.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

starcaster said:


> Re- my daughter, she is now 27yrs,she lives along way from us and I havnt seen much of her,or as much as I would like, because Iam conscious of my wifes attitude.If you ask me,its jealousy,she doesn't have the same problem with my son.
> 
> However I do see that some of her insecurities may have come from our marriage.What she considers unhealthy is that she believes Iam too close to my daughter,I view my relationship as normal.


“Too close” is not clear enough. I have no idea what that means.

You let your wife come between you and your daughter. That’s on you. 

I would never allow this and would divorce any man who tried to put a wedge between me and my child. 



starcaster said:


> Can I also mention that my wife declines sexual intercourse, in fact I would say in 8 years, we have had actual intercourse about 8 times!


Then why are you married to her? You start out this thread with very little information and only describe some very high level aspects of how you feel about things. Then as you reply to my posts you add the kinds of details that should have gone into the first post. 



starcaster said:


> You may rightly ask,how does she expect to have a baby?She is planning on getting pregnant at the end of the year,so I guess she will be expecting me to do something I have all but forgotten..
> 
> ]This has ,over the years led me to become bored with the level of sex life we have,to the extent I dont bother initiating anything anymore.


So get a divorce. I would not stay with a man for forced a sexless marriage. 

You have your answer… divorce her.


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## starcaster (Jul 5, 2014)

Forgive me,but that is a problem I have in expressing myself.I dont seem to be able to recall all the reasons Iam not happy and they only come to mind as things progress.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

starcaster said:


> Forgive me,but that is a problem I have in expressing myself.I dont seem to be able to recall all the reasons Iam not happy and they only come to mind as things progress.


Maybe it would help you to do some writing and clearly write out why you are unhappy. This way you can keep the important points at the top of your mind.


Now... back to the issue at hand.

Why not divorce her? You should not lead your life rejected and unhappy.


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## starcaster (Jul 5, 2014)

Why not divorce?
Guilt,fear.
Iam feeling guilty that she comes from a background that means she would be considered an outcast.I dont want her to have to suffer.
Fear,I have lost in the past and though Iam not happy,it scares me to end something,reject someone.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

starcaster said:


> Why not divorce?
> Guilt,fear.
> Iam feeling guilty that she comes from a background that means she would be considered an outcast.I dont want her to have to suffer.
> Fear,I have lost in the past and though Iam not happy,it scares me to end something,reject someone.


How old are you?

Does she have a job? Can she support herself in are reasonable fashion?

I completely understand how you feel. But you have to make a decision and then embrace it with all you have. If you don't then YOU will die an emotional death by a thousand cuts.

If you stay in your marriage, get the books I suggested and do what they say to do. You owe yourself that. Those books are better than most counseling. 

If you live somewhere that there are marriage counseling you could add that on top of the books.

Sit your wife down and let her know that you want to make your marriage better. If she protests ask her if your marriage is prefect. She will have to say "NO". Then ask her why she would not want it to be much better. Get her working on the marriage with you.

The "His Needs, Her Needs" book will explain things to her like why sex is important and she needs to start having sex with you.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Why not divorce?
> Guilt,fear.
> Iam feeling guilty that she comes from a background that means she would be considered an outcast.I dont want her to have to suffer.
> Fear,I have lost in the past and though Iam not happy,it scares me to end something,reject someone.



You’re Guilt
You cannot stop suffering; the world is full of it and you cannot escape it. Either you are going to suffer or she will have to suffer because you think that she will be an outcast. That is not in your ability to change; you cannot change thousands of years of culture. If they will see her as an outcast that is on them not you.


Your fear
You have been hurt deeply by the loss of your wife but you cannot remain in fear about reality. Your marriage is in real bad shape and unless you both make some drastic and significant changes to substantially improve your marriage you will be miserable in your marriage.

Your wife’s jealousy and actions in trying to separate you and your daughter is a HUGE revelation! If I was you that would have to change dramatically for the better very soon. Give your wife a little time to show you substantial proof by her actions that she is going to reverse her jealousy, attitude, and actions against your relationship with your daughter. For me, if the wife will not change that, then that alone would be enough for me to divorce; no more hesitation!

You need to get therapy o that you get stronger emotionally and other ways. You have allowed your jealous wife to keep you from seeing your daughter more than you would like. That tells me that you need to get stronger. Your daughter will always be your daughter. Spouses often are not always your spouse but your children will always be your children. In some cases children are more important than spouses.

Your current wife seems to be more of a taker than a giver and needs therapy real bad. What are all the reasons that she ran away from home? 

*My guess is that you are not strong enough to endure your loss of your first wife and the strained relationship that you allowed to be imposed on you and then also hold up your wounded, jealous, and weak wife.*


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## starcaster (Jul 5, 2014)

Regards earlier Q.Iam 51yrs.
My wife has a part time job and could not support herself.
I have supported her throughout our married life,while she has been studying.She doesn't appear to want to use her Degrees and says she has little confidence.
She says she wants a child now and if I don't provide it,she will not be able to meet anyone else-due to culture and her life will be ruined and it is all my fault.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Are you willing to make changes in yourself? Are you willing to do the hard work to either force changes in your marriage or leave your marriage?

Or are you just looking for a place to complain?


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## starcaster (Jul 5, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Are you willing to make changes in yourself? Are you willing to do the hard work to either force changes in your marriage or leave your marriage?
> 
> Or are you just looking for a place to complain?


I don't know,thats why Iam using this site to reflect on things,not to complain.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Long story short I'm a cheater...


Blah, blah, blah.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Regards earlier Q.Iam 51yrs.
> My wife has a part time job and could not support herself.
> I have supported her throughout our married life,while she has been studying.She doesn't appear to want to use her Degrees and says she has little confidence.
> She says she wants a child now and if I don't provide it,she will not be able to meet anyone else-due to culture and her life will be ruined and it is all my fault.



You are weak and undecided. In addition you allow this woman to separate you and your daughter and she will not work to support herself even though you supported her to get her degree. You also allow her to hang this false guilt on your head that if you do not do what she wants (child, even though she agreed to get married not to have a child) then you have ruined her life.


*She is more of a taker than a giver. Find a way to grow some balls and stop being weak*


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## starcaster (Jul 5, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> Long story short I'm a cheater...
> 
> 
> Blah, blah, blah.


What does that mean?


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## starcaster (Jul 5, 2014)

The idea of being "weak" may have some validity,though it is a poor way of describing things.
Not being clear on boundaries,being confused could be seen as weak,but you may not realise it at the time.
I will take this guidance on board and try to get things back into some perspective


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

All the usual excuses generally means one thing only: cheating.


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## starcaster (Jul 5, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> All the usual excuses generally means one thing only: cheating.


What excuses?Who is cheating?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

clipclop2 said:


> Long story short I'm a cheater...
> 
> 
> Blah, blah, blah.


Where did he say he cheated?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Subtext.


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## starcaster (Jul 5, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> Subtext.


No one is cheating here.
I think you should find something else to do with your spare time.
Things are difficult for people on here,or they wouldn't come here.They/I don't need superficial comments that are just rubbish.
This site may not be the best place for you to share your thoughts,people want help.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

starcaster said:


> No one is cheating here.
> I think you should find something else to do with your spare time.
> Things are difficult for people on here,or they wouldn't come here.They/I don't need superficial comments that are just rubbish.
> This site may not be the best place for you to share your thoughts,people want help.



People get help here, posters ought to remember this site is not therapy. If they want to be handled with kid gloves perhaps a less than good therapist is where they ought to look for suggestions, rather than an Internet forum. One thing I learned long ago about the internet is that it was a place where I had to grow a tough skin. I had to stop being overly sensitive, and learn to handle criticism. Sometimes people say they want help, when what they really want is sympathy. The internet is not the best place for garnering sympathy in my experience.

As for your situation, you are not responsible for your wife's feelings, neither is she responsible for yours. 

The fact that your wife now wants kids, but did not prior to marriage is IMO understandable. People's wants and needs change over time. Just as you felt years ago that you needed a wife, and now you are not so sure that you do.

I do think you your understanding of Islam was and is not very good, hence the situation you are now in. Like me, you sound indecisive as Mr Blunt pointed out. Why would you allow your wife to interfere in the relationship with your children is beyond me.

I suggest you search for a good therapist, listen to what he/she has to say with open ears and follow those suggestions.


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