# Please Need All To Read, Not Sure What To Do Next...



## LostOneForGood

Hi Gang,

I have a very good friend that posted something on my ex's FB page after she posted a pic of her and her boy she cheated on me with.. She sent me this email and I am trying to figure out whether to respond, not respond or how to respond.. I value you guys tremendously, so any input would be extremely helpful... Here is her message to me...

I don't even know if you know what happened yesterday and would like to think you wouldn't have condoned it but your "buddy" made a comment on a Facebook pic of mine yesterday referencing for Corey to "watch it DUDE that I will cheat on him like I did his buddy". I not only am completely pissed off that someone would stoop so low to put this comment on social media for not only MY family to see but Coreys family to see as well. I realize he may be celebrating this **** move but it is not just disrespectful to me but to an innocent person involved. I understand you're upset with me and hurt and I'm incredibly sorry for causing pain to you but for you to tell ppl I cheated on you?!? What proof do you have of that?!? If anyone has something to say to me, then by all means drive the **** to Evansville and I'll be more than happy to meet you or anyone and let's have that convo. But for anyone to take to Facebook or any other form of social media for such lies and negativity is a complete **** thing to do and someone needs to grow the **** up!! I sure hope you didn't have something to do with this?!

Thoughts??


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## CEL

Did she cheat?


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## LostOneForGood

Yes she did.. I have FB messages, text messages and her and her boy also posted on FB when they got together, which was one month before I finally left..


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## FeministInPink

She has no right to "call you out" on this because you had nothing to do with it. You don't control your friend; we can't control what anyone else does.

If I was in your situation - and I might find myself there someday, since me STBXH has begun to post pics of himself and the OW on his page (or rather, she's posting pics of them together), and we do still have some mutual friends - I would write the following, after waiting an appropriate amount of time (24 hrs, maybe?):

"No, I had nothing to do with it. Nor do I condone it. But I cannot control any one else's actions, now would I want to. If my friend's behavior upsets you so much, you are free to tell him, delete his comment, or unfriend him."

Your Ex has no right to make this your problem - don't let her. Don't take her bait.


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## angelpixie

Did you ever reveal the evidence you have? If not, and if you're already divorced, it might be time to let her see the most damning of your evidence. Without any comment. Or maybe I'm just tired of liars and cheaters getting away with it.

If, on the other hand, you did reveal this to her, then she's obviously delusional in thinking you've forgotten, and I'd just tell her something similar to what FiP said, or just ignore her altogether if that's an option (don't know if you're co-parenting or anything that would require you to stay 'friendly').


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## LostOneForGood

I did reveal a few things last year after she gave me the "ILYBNILWY" speel. I have alot more, but I took the high ground and did not reveal everything. All her family and our friends already knew what she was doing, because I would get phone calls and messages telling me what they thought..

The other thing is, her and her POSOM, posted on her FB around her Bday, which is at the end of July, how long they had been together.. He put, "Happy Bday to my girl, exactly 364 days, to the hour to the minute at the same place with the same band as to the same day we found each other"
. So a bunch of friends told me about this posting and said, "Well that confirms it" we are so sorry. Because most people can do basic math.. They got together in July, I didnt leave until the end of August and she didn't file till September, with it being final in November last year. But to add to it, the messages I found and revealed, weren't with this guy, it was from two others that she started all the way back in Jan of that year. Her dad, stepmom,brothers,sisters,friends all told me they knew what she was up to and that she wasn't fooling anybody.

We do not have children together, thank goodness. I have not seen or spoke to her (besides text about the house) since Aug of 2012 on the day I moved back to my hometown 100 miles away.

I do have a few things I would like to respond back with. Nothing about any feelings or what not like that, but more of bursting her fairy tale bubble about her thinking know one thinks she did anything wrong and about a few other things. I feel I have kept quiet during the right times, but I feel this is the opportunity to lower the boom!!!


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## ThreeStrikes

Take your buddy out for some beers, and pat him on the back


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## Shooboomafoo

Wow, she sounds like a winner. LOL. Laugh it off.


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## FeministInPink

FeministInPink said:


> She has no right to "call you out" on this because you had nothing to do with it. You don't control your friend; we can't control what anyone else does.
> 
> If I was in your situation - and I might find myself there someday, since me STBXH has begun to post pics of himself and the OW on his page (or rather, she's posting pics of them together), and we do still have some mutual friends - I would write the following, after waiting an appropriate amount of time (24 hrs, maybe?):
> 
> "No, I had nothing to do with it. Nor do I condone it. But I cannot control any one else's actions, *now would I want to*. If my friend's behavior upsets you so much, you are free to tell him, delete his comment, or unfriend him."
> 
> Your Ex has no right to make this your problem - don't let her. Don't take her bait.


I mean to say NOR would I want to. I thought it beared clarification.

Given that you've said that her entire family already knows about her behavior, it's not like your friend is spilling the beans or anything. I think she's delusional.


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## vi_bride04

I wouldn't respond at all or just a one liner that says "I can't control the actions of others, talk to my friend about it"

She is still in delusion land thinking her relationship with posOM isn't "wrong" and only reacted that way by sending you the email trying to maintain her image of herself she has in her head.


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## LostOneForGood

I think you guys are right in the "Delusion" part. She truly only cares about person and that is herself. She doesn't think EA's are cheating, only psychical.. Which is funny, because she did the psychical to, but she doesn't know that I know about that.

I guess the things I want to say are.. "I know you are not sorry, the actions you took were plotted, intentional and pure Evil. No one buys a new home with their spouse, knowing they do not want to be with them and tell them three weeks after they move in that you don't love them anymore, or if you really ever did, that you wants kids, just not with them, that you should get a girlfriend because it will make this easier. No one DOES THIS!! 

I can say that the cheating hurt, but not as much as being used to buy the house and only getting to live there three months. She thought she could get a roommate and cut me out of the picture, no dice. She forgot that in order to get the other person off the title, A: the other person has to be bought out or B: it has to be sold. The things she said to me hurt worse than the actual cheating, I rarely think about that, but the words, they haunt me daily...


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## EnjoliWoman

I agree with the short message that you can't control what your friend wrote. Don't apologize for it. I'd be tempted to add something snarky like "You claim it's not true but it is and you know it. I can't help what he wrote. Take it up with him."

I wouldn't NOT reply because then she doesn't know if you read it or not. Reply so she knows you read it and you don't care.


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## angelpixie

I definitely wouldn't tell her anything about her hurting you. That opens you right up to more shots from her. You don't need that. If she already knows you have the proof, and others know about it (I mean, really, plastering it on FB is hardly something they can blame YOU for, is it? ), it doesn't really matter at this point what you remind her of. 

Or maybe something like "I cannot and will not control what my friend posts. As to how he found out -- he can read FB as well as everyone else."


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## vi_bride04

LostOneForGood said:


> I guess the things I want to say are.. *"I know you are not sorry, the actions you took were plotted, intentional and pure Evil. No one buys a new home with their spouse, knowing they do not want to be with them and tell them three weeks after they move in that you don't love them anymore,* or if you really ever did, that you wants kids, just not with them, that you should get a girlfriend because it will make this easier. *No one DOES THIS!! *
> .


My ex did the same exact sh!t to me, in the same time frame. 3 weeks after we moved in "We should get a divorce" 

I'm still dealing with that b.s. house....arg!!!!!!



EnjoliWoman said:


> I wouldn't NOT reply because then she doesn't know if you read it or not. Reply so she knows you read it and you don't care.





angelpixie said:


> I definitely wouldn't tell her anything about her hurting you. That opens you right up to more shots from her. You don't need that.
> "


:iagree: 

She sounds like a true narcissist. Not replying will fvck with her mind more than replying in any way as that will just feed her ego.


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## Jellybeans

I would not respond at all. 

It's not your fault someone posted that on her website. It has nothing to do with you that someone else chose to say that.

You "could" (if you wanted to) write her back and say "I was not aware of that and really do not know what people post on the internet." and sort of leave it at that.

But me, I think silence is golden in a case like this. The non-answer will piss her off even more (not that I am advocating pissing her off, just saying I don't even think what she is spewing, getting all mad at you, is even worthy of a response."


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## Jellybeans

vi_bride04 said:


> She sounds like a true narcissist. Not replying will fvck with her mind more than replying in any way as that will just feed her ego.


Yep!

:iagree:


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## Jellybeans

vi_bride04 said:


> I wouldn't respond at all or just a one liner that says "I can't control the actions of others, talk to my friend about it"


Yep!



LostOneForGood said:


> I guess the things I want to say are.. "I know you are not sorry, the actions you took were plotted, intentional and pure Evil. No one buys a new home with their spouse, knowing they do not want to be with them and tell them three weeks after they move in that you don't love them anymore, or if you really ever did, that you wants kids, just not with them, that you should get a girlfriend because it will make this easier. No one DOES THIS!!


I mean, if you really want to you could say that or something like, "You and I both know you cheated but that is neither here nor there anymore. I cannot control what others choose to write on the internet so you could take up your frustration with Friend's Name."

End point.

Or just say nothing.


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## Jellybeans

And your friend is a riot. Lol.


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## LostOneForGood

Yeah, he has been my best friend for almost 20 years, I would do the same exact for him!!! 

I am really wanting to put something about what she and the Douche-bag put on FB about how long they had been together.. You know something like.. "I was unaware of this posting, I am unable to control what other people put..
As far as me telling people you cheated on me.. I don't have to do that, everyone already suspected it, I knew it was happening because of the messages I found and you staying out till 4 a.m. every night (Big Red Flag!!!), then you and your boy confirmed it for everyone by posting on FB when it started and how long its been going on, so You are truly pointing the finger in the wrong direction, I only get fed the information, I don't give it..."

What do you guys think of that response???


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## ThreeStrikes

LostOneForGood said:


> Yeah, he has been my best friend for almost 20 years, I would do the same exact for him!!!
> 
> I am really wanting to put something about what she and the Douche-bag put on FB about how long they had been together.. You know something like.. "I was unaware of this posting, I am unable to control what other people put..
> As far as me telling people you cheated on me.. I don't have to do that, everyone already suspected it, I knew it was happening because of the messages I found and you staying out till 4 a.m. every night (Big Red Flag!!!), then you and your boy confirmed it for everyone by posting on FB when it started and how long its been going on, so You are truly pointing the finger in the wrong direction, I only get fed the information, I don't give it..."
> 
> What do you guys think of that response???


Too wordy. But I like your spirit.

Something like:

"Your reputation is no secret amongst friends and family. Shall I post all of the evidence of your infidelity on FB? Cheaterville? Now back off and stop harassing me. I do not care about your personal life."

And then go dark.


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## vi_bride04

LostOneForGood said:


> Yeah, he has been my best friend for almost 20 years, I would do the same exact for him!!!
> 
> I am really wanting to put something about what she and the Douche-bag put on FB about how long they had been together.. You know something like.. "I was unaware of this posting, I am unable to control what other people put..
> As far as me telling people you cheated on me.. I don't have to do that, everyone already suspected it, I knew it was happening because of the messages I found and you staying out till 4 a.m. every night (Big Red Flag!!!), then you and your boy confirmed it for everyone by posting on FB when it started and how long its been going on, so You are truly pointing the finger in the wrong direction, I only get fed the information, I don't give it..."
> 
> What do you guys think of that response???


She will just reply "nothing happened he was just a friend" or some other gaslighting blameshifting tactic which will get under your skin even more...

I like 3strikes response if you MUST reply

But...really, you should say nothing....


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## Disenchanted

LostOneForGood said:


> I have a very good friend.......


I recommend you respond by blocking her email so she can't bother you anymore.


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## LostOneForGood

All really great advice!!!1:smthumbup:

It actually has been fairly easy up to this point not to have any contact with her and has been a great healer!! Plus it drove her nuts I wouldn't be her "Best Friend" again after the absolute path of destruction she put through!! You know it is just hard to fatheme, why i wouldn't be her friend after the pure hellish evil the dragonlady unleashed.. Go figure, huh?

But now I just have this urge to let somethings be known to her because I am really tired of waiting on karma... idk, I know it's not worth my time, but I have been waiting on a opportunity, so torn. I truly wouldn't wish what she did to me on my worst enemy!!!

Vibride - you had the same thing happen with a house?? That is unreal!!!wtf is wrong with these people????:scratchhead:


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## Jellybeans

LostOneForGood said:


> Yeah, he has been my best friend for almost 20 years, I would do the same exact for him!!!
> 
> I am really wanting to put something about what she and the Douche-bag put on FB about how long they had been together.. You know something like.. "I was unaware of this posting, I am unable to control what other people put..
> As far as me telling people you cheated on me.. I don't have to do that, everyone already suspected it, I knew it was happening because of the messages I found and you staying out till 4 a.m. every night (Big Red Flag!!!), then you and your boy confirmed it for everyone by posting on FB when it started and how long its been going on, so You are truly pointing the finger in the wrong direction, I only get fed the information, I don't give it..."
> 
> What do you guys think of that response???


Good, but keep the exclamations out of it.

I find that the more calm and sensible (read: UNEMOTIONAL) you are when dealing with someone who is going off on tangents, 1. the better you feel and 2. the more it fvcks with them.


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## ne9907

I agree with people who had advised you not to write anything back.
It will absolutely drive her completely insane.


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## Jellybeans

LostOneForGood said:


> Plus it drove her nuts I wouldn't be her "Best Friend" again after the absolute path of destruction she put through!!


Yeah............I don't get it either.

After making it clear the divorce would go through my ex was always trying to hang out with me, call me, tell me how sad he felt, be outside of my apartment waiting...for me to like call him so he could come up... or something. He even invited me to go on vacation with him a week before we divorced. It is truly mind-boggling.


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## vi_bride04

LostOneForGood said:


> Vibride - you had the same thing happen with a house?? That is unreal!!!wtf is wrong with these people????:scratchhead:


Yup!!! He was smack dab in the middle of his affair when we first originally started looking at houses. Used my credit to qualify for the mortgage, then after we moved in he said he wanted a divorce. 

The house we bought was walking distance from his work where posOW and him worked at the time. Coincidence he chose that house, I think not....

He got it in the divorce but abandoned it less than a year later. I am now dealing with the fallout from that since I had already signed a rental lease agreement and couldn't move back in. I was lucky enough to find a renter for the time being but who knows whats going to happen if she doesn't renew the lease.

I am trying to get him on contempt of court to recoup the $5k+ I have had to spend dealing with his "I'm moving you can have the house, cya" email. 

We are both still on the mortgage since it is underwater and he was unwilling to do a short sale during the divorce.....

I want to remove any legal right he has to the house so he can't block a sale or get any profits I may receive renting it or selling it at a later date if the market ever picks up. Its just a mess


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## angelpixie

If you really feel like writing something to get it out of your system, just writing it out, then delete. Sometimes, just the act of getting it down on paper (or screen, lol) can help. 

But it probably does just feed her to answer. Plus, you don't want her to think you'll talk to your friend because _she_ asked you to. I don't think you want her to get any impression that you're responding to any demands of hers.


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## Jellybeans

Oh and I'd not respond right away if you plan to. Again, it will fvck with her.


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## FeministInPink

Jellybeans said:


> I would not respond at all.
> 
> It's not your fault someone posted that on her website. It has nothing to do with you that someone else chose to say that.
> 
> You "could" (if you wanted to) write her back and say "I was not aware of that and really do not know what people post on the internet." and sort of leave it at that.
> 
> But me, I think silence is golden in a case like this. The non-answer will piss her off even more (not that I am advocating pissing her off, just saying I don't even think what she is spewing, getting all mad at you, is even worthy of a response."


I like this better than my suggestion. Forget what I wrote before, and listen to Jellybeans. Jellybeans is a smart cookie.


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## LostOneForGood

I definitely get everything you all are saying and God do I appreciate it!! You all have got me through this last year, when I thought I was done with it all.. You all rock!! I am so glad I found this site Junes 2012 when I Googled "Cheating *****" and someones post came up and I have been on every since,lol..

I am wondering though, now that the dust has settled, I don't feel anything anymore and there's no chance of us running into one another, what would I be dragged into exactly??? I blocked her on FB the day I left, I have never looked it up since, nor his. I have been shown by friends a few things, the main one when they posted how long they had been together, which confirmed they were together while we were still together.

I told her the day I moved out and moving back to my old hometown while she was putting on the fake tears, telling me I shouldn't move away,
"That she should take one last look at this face and one last listen to my voice, because you will Never, I mean Never see or hear either one as long as I am alive." I said" I would have went to the ends of the earth for you, took a bullet for you and loved you till the day I died, but you threw that away like yesterdays trash and for what?? To be a Bar *****!!! 

So that was it, all text since and nothing since this April when the house finally sold. You guys know best, i want to listen, but's its killing me not to say what I want to say..


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## vi_bride04

DON'T!!!! 

It will only leaving you feeling like sh!t afterwards, no matter how much you think you want to let it fly.

Want to know why? Cuz she will respond in a way to push your buttons or not respond at all...which will also push your buttons after delivering an emotional response to her.

Take it from someone who always had to have the last word....felt like crap too many times to count. It's not worth having the last word anymore....! 

If you give her the response you want to she will only read it as you still have feelings for her. Don't give her that thrill (even though it's not the case)


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## Paradise

I got a few crap e-mails from my ex about 4 months after the divorce. My only response was, "I can see that you are having a rough time but that is not my problem anymore. Please do not ever e-mail me anything of the sort again." I blocked her from my e-mail after that for a while and made her communicate in person which changed her tune pretty quick. 

Nothing to be gained by opening up any communication with this woman.


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## COguy

If you are dealing with a true narcissist (which you are) you will never get the Aha or payoff moment you are expecting. In her head she doesn't have the capability to recognize that what she did was wrong, that she did anything bad at all. It is a complete waste of your time.

I agree that the best way to "get her back" is to just ignore her, which is about the only thing you can do to affect a narcissist, ignoring them.

Don't try to hurt her or drudge up crap, because attention is all that they are really going for. The best weapon is indifference and forgetting that they exist.

As for Karma, that has already been settled. Your ex is condemned to a life of batsh*t insanity, shallow relationships, and dishonesty. You on the other hand, are going to learn from your mistakes, and end up living an awesome life.


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## Jellybeans

LostOneForGood said:


> I am wondering though, now that the dust has settled, I don't feel anything anymore and there's no chance of us running into one another, what would I be dragged into exactly??? I blocked her on FB the day I left, I have never looked it up since, nor his.
> 
> So that was it, all text since and nothing since this April when the house finally sold. You guys know best, i want to listen, but's its killing me not to say what I want to say..


Yeah honestly after all that fluff, after blocking her and having no contact since April, I think it's best to let it die.

But if you are so inclined, I would definitely keep your emotions out of it. Short and sweet and unemotional is key. She isn't worth it.

Did your friend ever reach out to you?


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## Jellybeans

Paradise said:


> I got a few crap e-mails from my ex about 4 months after the divorce. My only response was, *"I can see that you are having a rough time but that is not my problem anymore. Please do not ever e-mail me anything of the sort again."* I blocked her from my e-mail after that


:rofl::rofl: Awesome response.


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## vi_bride04

.....so you have still resisted the urge to respond, right?


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## LostOneForGood

I emailed her back today.....:tool: I know, I know, I will take my 2x4 and slapping now!!! But, I kept it fairly short and I made some valid points that needed to be said.. The response I got was truly not what I was expecting, well most of it.. She did admit to a few things, I did not think she would have, but turned around a cancelled it with things she still denied.

The weird thing is, she spent most of her response, telling me how great I was, that she has told no one it was my fault, that is was all her, she just wasn't happy.. So, ok.... I can in time forgive the ending the relationship and all the I thought I loved, but I really didn't hoodihoo, but I cant forgive the intentional things she did like, buying the house knowing she wanted out and everything after that.. So in a nutshell, I am really indifferent about it, I'm not hurt, i'm not glad, I just don't care...I am glad I did it, but I will not respond back to her response, I'll will let it die there, good stopping point there...

Now I am struggling with one thing.. I am trying to forgive myself for my role in what went wrong. I am doing something really dumb right I am sure, but I am going back through relationships I can remember and see which ones I did the leaving and when I got left. So far, more of me getting left, which is concerning... I don't recall any blowouts, big fights, just mainly one day they are just gone or it just ends. So I am really questioning now, my future in relationships.. Thinking, I am obviously not meant for it..


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## Jellybeans

What did you end up saying to her? 

Do you feel better now that you said your piece?

Good on not responding back to her. 




LostOneForGood said:


> Now I am struggling with one thing.. I am trying to forgive myself for my role in what went wrong. I


Look, nobody is perfect. NOBODY. We all have flaws and can be a$$holes. A commitment is a dual project. If only ONE person wants it to work, then no dice. Do not beat yourself up. We all could have said and done things differently and probably wish we would have. But the past is gone and is not coming back. Let it go. Do recognize your areas for improvement and work on them moving forward; we all can learn and grow from past mistakes and dumb shlt we did. Par for the course, my friend. But don't dwell in the past because it is not going to bring it back.

DO YOU. Move toward the future.


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## COguy

I've found that if you are in a long relationship with someone with a PD, then you have a problem that needs fixing.

The typical profile is a codependent doormat. Any emotionally healthy person would run for the hills with a narcissist or histrionic or borderline type. Yet for some reason we tend to stick it out.

If that underlying issue isn't resolved, then you're very likely to fall for a new woman that has the same traits. I recommend going to counseling or CODA (coda.org) to see if that resonates.


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## FeministInPink

LostOneForGood said:


> Now I am struggling with one thing.. I am trying to forgive myself for my role in what went wrong. I am doing something really dumb right I am sure, but I am going back through relationships I can remember and see which ones I did the leaving and when I got left. So far, more of me getting left, which is concerning... I don't recall any blowouts, big fights, just mainly one day they are just gone or it just ends. So I am really questioning now, my future in relationships.. Thinking, I am obviously not meant for it..


I MUST echo what Jellybeans said... we all do dumb stuff. Try to learn from your mistakes - if you don't learn from them, you'll just repeat them. And if you learn from them, you'll be better able to forgive yourself.

Don't worry about whether you were the dumped or the dumper more in your past. That doesn't mean anything, really. Neither is more healthy than the other. This is probably just going to make you feel bad about yourself. Instead, learn what you can from your past relationships, and see if there are any behavioral patterns that you think were detrimental and want to change. Work on those, and let the past stay in the past.

Every relationship in your life will end at some point, until you find one that doesn't. And if you find a relationship that you WANT to last for the rest of your life, you do whatever it takes to keep that one alive and well. A lot of us still need practice in this area, that's why we're here, either because we needs to improve out skills, or we need practice recognizing/telling the difference between the relationships worth keeping and those not worth the effort


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## Ceegee

COguy said:


> If you are dealing with a true narcissist (which you are) you will never get the Aha or payoff moment you are expecting. In her head she doesn't have the capability to recognize that what she did was wrong, that she did anything bad at all. It is a complete waste of your time.
> 
> I agree that the best way to "get her back" is to just ignore her, which is about the only thing you can do to affect a narcissist, ignoring them.
> 
> Don't try to hurt her or drudge up crap, because attention is all that they are really going for. The best weapon is indifference and forgetting that they exist.
> 
> As for Karma, that has already been settled. Your ex is condemned to a life of batsh*t insanity, shallow relationships, and dishonesty. You on the other hand, are going to learn from your mistakes, and end up living an awesome life.



I agree with this. 

But it is fun to think about. 

Something like, "oh you didn't like that? Wait til you see the emails we post..." :FIREdevil:


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## LostOneForGood

Awesome gang, just awesome!! :smthumbup:

I actually do feel better saying what I said.. It was like a burden had just been lifted. The reason being is.. I was able to say things I have been burning to say with... No Emotion This Time!!!
I know I got to her on this, because... She never responds to anything that doesn't bother her or doesn't respond promptly. She responded to mine within 15 min, after I waited three days to respond to her first.. Plus, she seemed to be seeking my approval or something like that, totally different than before. 

I am not responding this time, because I think this was a great stopping point, her asking questions and seeking approval and not giving a Damn!!! I feel empowered now!!! You have all been correct on the "narcissistic" so true!!! But, I feel like I got to her in a small way and you know what?? Knowing her, it will bother her more not getting the answers back, than it will me not answering... Booyah!!!


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## COguy

You're obviously not indifferent yet, but it's a process, and I'm glad you're on your way.

You're still caring about "getting to her", you need to stop trying. Putting any stake in her emotional response is a battle you will always lose, because her emotional response will never be normal, rational, or positive.


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## CAviaGA

I think we all have a desire for some sort of vindication in this sort of thing. It's like we want to say "you did this, this and this......YOU were the problem and the cause" and we imagine them responding "Yes, I was wrong it's all my fault, I'm sorry...." It doesn't seem to work out that way. The more it consumes our thoughts or actions, the more the other person still has control or influence over our lives.

The opposite of love is not hatred. It's apathy.


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## LostOneForGood

Hey Gang!
It's been almost a month since I have been on, work and school is just about to knock this guy out!!!:sleeping:
I can only thank all of you for your advice and comments, you all are life savers!! Along with what this post was, I am adding to it with a few things that are really bothering me right now.

What has been hitting me lately is how I had to completely start over and the ex did not. I dont want to compare lives, but its hard not to right??? I enrolled for my third semester in college today and my schedule is unreal, just no time for anything but work and school... No dating, etc.. But it got me to thinking.. I dont think of myself as dating material right now anyway.. I had to move in with family after the divorce, I had to get a new job, making less than what I was and I have very little time.. My friends are trying to set me up constantly!!! I tell them nicely.. "I am not dating material, what woman would want to date a man who lives with family, going to school, works part-time and rebuilding from ground up??? I dont want to be that guy... " So I decline.. 
The other problem is, I live in podunk, where I grew up and camouflage is the dress code of choice. Dont get me wrong, nothing wrong with that, but it has its place, it shouldnt be worn to everything you go to...
I was raised on a farm, but I also love the city.. I dress nice, speak two languages and enjoy things other than cow-tipping and deer hunting.. So my point is, the kind of woman I really want, i dont think I will find.. here at least.. I guess I am just afraid that I have taken a break from life and will miss out on something.. 
Anyone else in a similar situation or been through it???


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## FeministInPink

Hey, LostOne - welcome back to the land of the living! I certainly understand that "surfacing" feeling... I finished my BA and did my entire MA part-time while working full-time, some of that witha super-long commute to boot.

I think we're all starting over in some form or another, some less extreme than in your case. Don't compare your situation to your ex's... if she's not starting over, than she's stagnant. Stagnant means no changes, no growth, no self-exploration; and that means that she is doomed to make the same mistakes all over again, if she's not making any changes. I think you're in a much better position to have a happier now and a happier future. Right now, the world is your oyster. You can do anything, be whoever YOU want to be, and go wherever your desire takes you.

That being said, where does your desire take you? What do you see yourself doing after you finish school? Where? If you love the city, might you relocate to a metro area after finishing school?

Don't think of yourself as "not dating material right now." You have a purpose, you have a goal, and you're making sacrifices to reach that goal. That shows character, and that's definitely dating material it I ever saw it. Any woman worth her salt will see that.

But I think the more important question to ask yourself is: do you want to be dating right now? Does it fit in with your goals, and where you see yourself a few years from now? Is it going to take your time and attention away from your studies? If you DO want to relocate to an urban area, is getting into a relationship with someone in Podunk now going to stop you from doing that a few years from now?

That being said, you still need to have a social life to keep yourself balanced. So I don't think that casual dating is fine - and it sounds to me like that would be all that you have time for right now anyway. So I don't see a problem with allowing your friends to set you up -- just be up front with the date(s). Explain that you're really busy, and maybe you don't have time for a relationship, but casual dating could work. And who knows? Maybe one of your friends will set you up with someone who's looking for the exact same thing.

(And there's nothing better to help the doubtful self-image than attention from a member of the opposite sex!  )


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## Jellybeans

LostOneForGood said:


> I guess I am just afraid that I have taken a break from life and will miss out on something..


But you aren't taking a break from life. Your life is just different now. I think it's good that you are pouring yourself into your studies and taking time off for YOU and also, that you recognize dating probably isn't in your best interest now. If you meet someone, great, but focus on other things. You just got out of a marriage. No need to jump into a frying pan again, KWIM? 

Comparing lives with exes--I think we all may do this at one point or another. To me it seemed my ex's life had gone on swimmingly; but there would be times I talked to him and he'd tell me his life was horrid and how I seemed to be doing so well. Well, we both thought that about one another and yet we both felt bad/were going through sh!t. Don't compare lives. It's unhealthy and will keep you locked in a stagnant place. 

Do you.

One day at a time.


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## LostOneForGood

Hey Fem!! Wow, great work on the BA and MA while working, that had to be one rough gig! Congrats!! 
I am starting in a new career, taking a hobby of mine for years and going to do it full time now.. So fingers crossed

I don't really want to compare lives with the ex, because I know she just can't be alone. She jumped right into a relationship with the guy she cheated on me with, went to Vegas during our anniversary month, went to New Orleans a few months later, which both trips were my idea for her and I... I guess its tough though, since I had to start over, move back somewhere I dont want to be and she's just living it up, hard to swallow...

As far as me, I really don't know where I will end up.. I feel 18 again, free to explore and live, future to be made and a life to start.. The good thing is, I know now what mistakes to avoid and what traps to stay away from. Where I am is about 90 minutes from a major metro city, not bad.. So I may stay around here, it all depends on my parents. I am a only child and I am pretty much the youngest in our immediate family, so I get looked to alot for help on things with grandparents, cousins,folks, etc.. I left once for 13 yrs and returned here in 2012.. Alot of things can happen in the next year..

I do love how you think, great insight on everything. I don't know what to do about the dating thing. I was kind of seeing someone at the beginning of the year, just casual, great girl, just no sparks.. I know more of what I dont want than what I do want... I feel like I am letting society pressure me into something.. I feel ok with living alone, just because someone is alone, doesnt mean they feel alone.

I can tell I am way cautious now on letting people in.. I really back off when I feel someone is getting to close. Plus, I watch couples so much now and listen to friends on FB and seemslike everyone is a mess!!! I dont think anyone is ever satisfied with what they have. Its like a car, its ok for awhile, then,"Well I'm tired of it, time for a new model" The selfishness is unbelievable. I was raised with totally different values than what I see, just don't know if it is for me anymore..

Jelly, you are correct!! I'm not taking a break from life, I'm just taking a different path right now. I have to remember that not everyone's life has to be the same. I have alot of friends who say" Man I wish I could what your doing right now" That makes me feel good.. Others are happy with what they have.. Its just quite an adjustment for me. I have owned my own business, had lots of stuff, traveled, lived in several different places and its just hard letting that go to start over.. Their are days, I'm like, "Will I ever get my life back?" But then I realize I am rebuilding and with any new construction it takes awhile.. I am kind of a impatient person, I make things happen, I don't like to wait.. but this could be a new learning for me also, patience...


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## LostOneForGood

Hey All! 
I havent been on in awhile, been crazy with work and school, off for summer right now! I have been doing pretty good, getting excellent grades, working alot of hours, not dating, hanging with friends, etc.. 

Well last week I found out my ex-wife is engaged to the dude she cheated on me with. This will be her 4th marriage at age 35. I am unsure how to feel about it right now. I have been a little sad, because I am not in a relationship and dont forsee me entering into one anytime soon and she is engaged all giggly,happy, blah,blah.. I was honest with myself that I am still bitter, angry and do not have time for a relationship right now. 

I am trying to determine which has gotten to me worse, the initial cheating/breakup or her now getting married again. :scratchhead:
Just dont know.. Anyone else felt the same when your ex was getting remarried?

Thanks,


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## michzz

Stop checking up on your ex, she doesn't sound like any great catch if she is on her 4th marriage so soon in life.

Start dating and soon you will forget about her.


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## SadSamIAm

Patience Grasshopper!!!!

In time, you will be done school, have a great job and meet a wonderful partner.

In time, she will be divorcing and onto marriage number 5.


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## LostOneForGood

Hey Michzz,

Thats the thing, I dont check up on her. I blocked her on FB when I left Aug 2012. I havent spoke to or seen her since Aug 2012. I said to her" We only talk by email about the selling of the house and the finances". I live over 100 miles away. And that is all that has happened..

Unfortunately, one of my friends from there let it slip when I was visiting them. I knew she felt bad for saying it. I said, It's ok, if you hadnt said it, someone else would have.. So just slip of the tonuge...


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## LostOneForGood

Thanks Sam!! My patience is warying thin... The past 1 1/2 years I dedicated to me. Gym,school,work,finances,etc.. I've hit a lull point of, small burn out, becuase I dont have any days off until I am out of school. I look around and wonder what I am missing out on? I then realize not much, so I put head down and keep going.. 

I see alot of my friends in relatiionship trouble and think, Wow does anybody stay together? Especially as I get hit on by married women. I guess my grandpa was right. He said " People are only as Faithful as their Options...


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## TBT

Just saw this thread LOFG. Doesn't seem like you're missing much. You seem to be doing all you need to become a well rounded person. Your day will come. Have a good life.

As for your ex and 4 marriages,how will people be able to stop their eyes from rolling when she says her vows...yet again.


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## SoVeryLost

I live in a state bordering you, so I can empathize with rural life and the lack of viable options. I sometimes wonder if I am the last single person who lives here. The camo comment made me laugh...I know exactly what you're talking about.

I've been single for two years now, and I've pretty much given up on the notion of finding someone. I look around at all the affairs, all the broken homes, all the 2nd and 3rd marriages, and I really start to wonder if there's anyone even worth investing myself in anymore. Seems everything and everyone is replaceable.

That being said, once your life slows down from school and work, be sure to fill your time with things you enjoy doing. Build a solid, healthy life based on what makes you happy. That way, if Ms. Right does come along, she'll be another awesome addition to your life. And if she doesn't, well then your life will still be wonderful anyway.


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