# i dont understand...



## crushedheart (May 22, 2011)

Short and simple...caught my wife in an EA 4 months ago. I pulled a 180, we are now working on reconciling.

What confuses me to no end is after we talk about it she goes on and on with "thanks for listening to me, you are the most amazing, sexiest, best husband anyone can ever ask for, I do not deserve you...","Its not your fault" and "I love you soo much" As flattering as that is I want to scream sometimes "then why the [email protected]*# did you cheat on me?????"...seriously? 
I once even responded "you're right, you don't deserve me" out of anger. Her heart renching cry nearly killed me right there.

It has taken sooo much out of me. I am only thankful she has been traveling for work a lot to give me the time to break down alone and let all the pain out. 

What happened to the sweet caring wife I married? The woman who loved me more than life itself...Why? Why!

Next time just bury a knife in my gut and be done with it, I honestly think it would be less painful.
...
Sorry...just had to get that out!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## John7308 (Aug 17, 2011)

At least you are at 4 months...I haven't hit 2 months yet.

What you describe sounds pretty normal from what I have read and what I have experienced myself so far.


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## crushedheart (May 22, 2011)

To be honest John all the months blur together...taking it one day ata time. Today was a bad day! maybe tomorrow a better one...

Thanks for the reply 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

4 months, 2 months, a year, whatever, the pain stil sucks.

Even after divorcing, it still hurts me. There isn't one day that's gone by since he confessed that I haven't thought about it.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well it isn't your fault for starters
and it's good that your wife wishes to build up your ego after having trashed it so badly, that shows the desire to do what's right and work on the marriage

I too searched to find what was wrong with me so much that it would cause my wife to be unfaithful

it destroyed my confidence for 6 months post d-day

but the more I researched infidelity on the web the more I learned that it rarely has to do with the person being cheated on but rather it's a reflection of how cheaters justify their own selfish needs by magnifying what they perceive to be inadequacies in their marriage

I'm not saying you're perfect nor am I saying that your marriage was perfect too, it never is and now that you have R, you need to address the deficiencies in your marriage in a blame-free and non-confrontational way
understanding each other is key

take 30 minutes a day with no tv, no phones, etc and have a calm discussion about what each other wants, what problems need to be addressed- listen and also don't be afraid to ask for what you want, encourage her to do the same. Discuss everything calmly and without getting defensive or accusatory, really listen to what each other has to say, you'd be amazed over how much you actually feel the same on things and have some sort of miscommunication going on


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Crushed, I know the feeling, a lot of us here do. I've asked multiple times why? why did she break NC? why did she act like everything was fine when apparently it wasn't? Why did she look me in the eyes and lie to me, and how could she look me in the eyes after lying? Why did she do everything she did knowing that she could/would lose everything?

The "why" questions will never be fully answered and will destroy you. The only "why" question you should be asking now is why are you still with her? Can you continue living this way? If so power through it and ask all the questions you want, ask until you feel satisfied or can accept the answer. It's a rough rollercoaster but if you work together you can get to the end of the ride together. Has she shown that she is truely remorseful and has she stop all contact?

This is all very exhausting, both physically and mentally. I think the knife to the gut would be a lot less painful as well. 10 months after the initial D-Day and I feel like I'm still pulling knives out of my back.

Hang in there, do what you need to do. I know it's hard because you probably don't know what it is that you need to do at the moment, but if you want this to work then just let it all out. Don't hold back.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

CH, I too am 4 months out from dday, 3.5 from finding about PA(s). No R in my cards, but I too would sure like to know where that amazing woman I fell in love with went. (did she even exist?)


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Is there something with the moon & stars aligning wrong or something. Seems we're all having a bad day or two here... crushedheart you are not alone. We all have that "why?" question, many of us with no good answer. But like stated above, it is rarely because of anything the BS did wrong. It's a character flaw and/or situational thing -- NOT YOUR FAULT. Believe it. I've heard this over & over & over, in MC, at home. But I still want to know why then... and fear I will never really get that answered satisfactorily. Mostly, the rush...like a junkie needing their high. Weak, yes. Reasonable, no.


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## crushedheart (May 22, 2011)

Thanks for all the kind responses. Funny I always know what will be said, what I should do. I guess its been one of those days where emotions can overrun logic. It is nice to come here and scream at the keyboard a bit.

I do ask myself, everyday, if this I want. Maybe I'm making a fool of myself. But I love her to much not to try this once. She knows the consequences. I'm ready to pack it up any day. For now, I can only look to tomorrow and see what that brings.

On another note, as a surprise, she bought me plane tickets to spend the weekend with her (she is out of town for work) soo..we'll see how it goes. Small steps.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

Bad day for me today too. My H finally quit his job (affair was with co-worker), but work is planning one last happy hour for his departure. Of course the person planning the happy hour included the ow on the invite list and my H told me once he found out. Reardless, I'm triggering. It's hard to deal with the pain sometimes, because I'm not someone who wallows in sadness. But my goodness, some days the pain makes you wonder if it will ever stop. Will I have these forever? Somehow I doubt the pain would end even if we gave up on R, but I hate what I become when I trigger. It's not _me_, but now I worry it is the _new_ me. Not an improvement.

One of the hardest parts is knowing the BS really can't understand what the LS is going through. I think if my H felt the pain I feel when triggered, he'd decline the happy hour. At the same time, I know he made friends at work (besides the ow) and wants to say good-bye to everyone and enjoy their company one last time. He's sure the ow will know better than to show up, but there's always the possibility. I hate this.

Anyway, I can relate crushedheart. I think all LSs wonder why our spouses needed to cheat if we're so wonderful. In our brains we can understand it's not about us, but something within the DS. However, we can't get our hearts to understand it too.


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## crushedheart (May 22, 2011)

I know what you mean saffron. I know my spouse cares and worries, but I don't think she truly understands how I feel. 

I'm afraid of what I may have become. I was the guy who was always smiling, someone people wanted to be around. Now I find it difficult. 

I don't know...I don't think there are right answers. I have to do what I have to do to be happy. I think that is all I can do, just for the sake of my sanity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Saffron said:


> Somehow I doubt the pain would end even if we gave up on R, but I hate what I become when I trigger. It's not _me_, but now I worry it is the _new_ me. Not an improvement.


I can totally,completely relate - yes! 
I then in my foolishness even take this problem a step further: As I recognize and know that I've really become a different person -- overly untrusting, less joyous, suspicious, quicker to anger, easily overreacting, etc. not just to my but to other "innocent" people as well (family, coworkers) -- and I wasn't good enough _before_, what is it about the 'new me' that would keep her full interested and working at this now?? I'm less attractive in the aftermath, not more.


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## sam83 (Jul 23, 2011)

crushedheart said:


> Short and simple...caught my wife in an EA 4 months ago. I pulled a 180, we are now working on reconciling.
> 
> What confuses me to no end is after we talk about it she goes on and on with "thanks for listening to me, you are the most amazing, sexiest, best husband anyone can ever ask for, I do not deserve you...","Its not your fault" and "I love you soo much" As flattering as that is I want to scream sometimes "then why the [email protected]*# did you cheat on me?????"...seriously?
> I once even responded "you're right, you don't deserve me" out of anger. Her heart renching cry nearly killed me right there.
> ...


man I don't want to be harsh here but as she traveling lot to work how u can make sure she is committed now while she away and the affair itself was EA not PA

sorry again just crossed my mind and wanted to share with u


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## crushedheart (May 22, 2011)

Sam83, yes that crossed my mind but the logistics do not work. The OM works in the same company (is done in 2 weeks after he quit). She is in a separate department and they would never end up on the same schedule. Plus I drive by her office on way to work and see his car every morning. It is possible there was PA at some point,more than likely . She knows that she will have to confess eventually. To be honest it will not make a difference as I assumed it was a PA from the start and have treated it as such. She is on rotten ice..she knows it, I know it. Time will tell, or ill just get fed up and leave. 

Today is another bad day, and I seriously ask myself every moment what would make me happier...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sam83 (Jul 23, 2011)

try 180 everyone here says it works


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

You should be wary of the traveling, indeed. However, she seems VERY remorseful and is doing all the right things to try to reconcile. I mean, she's really pulling out the stops by getting you that ticket. 

My guess is she is very afraid of losing you.


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## crushedheart (May 22, 2011)

@sam83: yes, been doing the 180 and it has been working. Still have my bad days though lol

@gabriel: yes, I am wary to a point, but I know what her work involves and we do video chat most of the night while she works so...possible yes, but unlikely. If that is the case...well then when I find out its over. 

She is remorseful that is for sure. Sometimes I'm even a little afraid when she told me she wishes she "did not exist" and hates herself. I am pushing her to get counseling. She has been trying. I told her I will leave and I'm ready too...it would devastate her. Everything she knows would be destroyed. Makes you wonder why they do it eh?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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