# How to Move On



## artandsoul (May 30, 2017)

Hi there. new here. Married 13 yrs, tog 14. Same old ****. Sex ads, flirting with my friends, latest issue (few yrs ago) only just ended a few mos ago. Nude photos of my gf & plans to meet up at a hotel; possibly was at my house etc.

We have two children. I'm fairly independent, strong etc. So I don't feel I'm a victim here at all. He's an idiot & I'm working on respecting me...with his changes. (changes as far as my eye can see). However, where I'm stuck is trusting him again. This dum dum has lied consistently for 13.5 years. I know I know. Maybe he'll never change. I DID leave for 9 mos. Filed for divorced. Ended up reconciling.

I want HIM, but not the bull****. It's damaging & presenting a very sad depiction of marriage for my two daughters. I can live without him yes. But prefer he get his **** tog. Divorce is so ugly & messy & I don't want to rip our family apart. But each time he lies, deceives...he kills a piece of my heart.

So back to trust....where to even begin? :/


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

You can't have HIM without the bull****, unfortunately. He's shown you who he is, and that's not going to change. So you have a choice. You can stay and put up with his bull****, or you can leave. What kind of life do you want to live?


----------



## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Not sure how you could ever trust a repeat offender like this. If he really wants to show how serious he is about reconciliation, have him sign a postnuptial agreement that gives you a very favorable settlement in the event of his infidelty (which seems like a foregone conclusion). If he balks at the idea, then you have your answer about whether to trust him ever again.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

The only way you can possibly move on is to get the hell rid of him. If you stay with him, you are doomed to repeat what you've already lived through till the day you die. Or the day he dies, whichever comes first.

What is there possibly worth saving here??? Divorce isn't messy - YOUR LIFE is messy. Clean it up!! And who exactly is ripping whose life apart?? Divorce would FIX your life.


----------



## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Divorce is nowhere NEARLY as ugly and messy and damaging to your children as staying with him is.

Would you want your daughters to live like this?


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

artandsoul said:


> I want HIM, but not the bull****. :/


The problem is he IS the bull^^^^.

He is a lier and manipulator and a fake. The person you want him to be and the person that you think you like does not really exist. It is the façade that he is presenting to you. 

The real person behind the façade is a chronic lier, cheater, womanizer and phoney.

Chumplady has the perfect caption for your situation at her website - "Trust that he sucks."

There is a part of you that doesn't want to believe that he is lying, cheating, womanizing, disrespectful turd that has no regards for your feelings or the well being of your family. 

But it is important for you to face up to and realize the reality. He sucks. Trust in what you really see.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

artandsoul said:


> It's damaging & presenting a very sad depiction of marriage for my two daughters.
> 
> 
> Divorce is so ugly & messy & I don't want to rip our family apart. But each time he lies, deceives...he kills a piece of my heart.
> ...


*HE*is the one that is damaging and tearing your family apart with his bad character and bad behavior. 

You getting the kids away from him and that environment are saving them. 

Even kids know that what people DO is what matters and not what they say. They are learning through your actions that men and husbands lie and cheat and post adds on sex sites and get it on with their wife's friends and treat their wives and children like dirt and that that behavior is to be tolerated and accepted -

- YOU are teaching them that by tolerating it and accepting it. 

Is that really the lesson that you want to be teaching them?


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

artandsoul said:


> So back to trust....where to even begin? :/


Only a fool trusts the untrustworthy. 

If you trust him after 13 years of lying, cheating and womanizing and hooking up with your friends in your own home - who is the Dum Dum?


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

artandsoul said:


> Hi there. new here. Married 13 yrs, tog 14. Same old ****. Sex ads, flirting with my friends, latest issue (few yrs ago) only just ended a few mos ago. Nude photos of my gf & plans to meet up at a hotel; possibly was at my house etc.
> 
> We have two children. I'm fairly independent, strong etc. So I don't feel I'm a victim here at all. He's an idiot & I'm working on respecting me...with his changes. (changes as far as my eye can see). However, where I'm stuck is trusting him again. This dum dum has lied consistently for 13.5 years. I know I know. Maybe he'll never change. I DID leave for 9 mos. Filed for divorced. Ended up reconciling.
> 
> ...


i'm sorry but with all the chances you have given him, even with the threat of divorce he still did not change, so this means he will never change, that is who he is. You cannot separate HIM from the other ****! Drop him like a hot potato, otherwise your daughters will never know what a decent man looks like or how they should be treated. He can still be their father, you just don't have to be involved in his drama anymore, have more respect for yourself and meet someone who will treat you how you deserve.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I'm going to keep putting my hand on the red hot burner on the stove top because it's MY hope that after being burned* over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again*, the burner is suddenly -- and _*magically*_ - going to be cool to the touch and not burn me anymore.

How do I delude myself into trusting that the burner will no longer burn me?

That's basically the skewed logic in your thinking.


----------



## artandsoul (May 30, 2017)

Ouch. Wasn't really expecting such straight forward feedback. I'm sure I need it....
Found out more info last night about my old gf; more lies on top of lies. I DO take responsibility for recreating my life. It's just painful and sad to accept that this is it. Everyone's advice is spot on...I guess I just didn't want to believe it all. Thank you everyone. ;(


----------



## artandsoul (May 30, 2017)

Maya Angelou said, 'When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time'. One month before we got married, I found sex ads. Consistently kept up some kind of something (ads, rape porn which insults me as a woman & mother to 2 daughters!!!!, special massages - just had one two weeks ago and flirting w/ my gfs) EVERY few months. I suggested the dude might be addicted, which he scoffed at. But I don't feel it's an addiction...I feel it's pure selfishness & insecurity which unfortunately, they haven't created a medication for it yet. :/


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

artandsoul said:


> Maya Angelou said, 'When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time'. One month before we got married, I found sex ads. Consistently kept up some kind of something (ads, rape porn which insults me as a woman & mother to 2 daughters!!!!, special massages - just had one two weeks ago and flirting w/ my gfs) EVERY few months. I suggested the dude might be addicted, which he scoffed at. But I don't feel it's an addiction...I feel it's pure selfishness & insecurity which unfortunately, they haven't created a medication for it yet. :/


talk of addictions and medications etc is a form of deflection and blame shifting etc. Lying, cheating, hooking up with girlfriends, happy ending massages from prostitutes etc is not a medical condition. It is a character issue. 

And you are right, there is no treatment for bad character.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

artandsoul said:


> . I DO take responsibility for recreating my life. It's just painful and sad to accept that this is it. Everyone's advice is spot on...I guess I just didn't want to believe it all. (


Sadness and anger are fair. You have the right to your feelings. You just have to base your actions on reality. 

And it's not a matter of believing us. It is believing in yourself. You've known he was a bad apple for a long long long time. Now you just need to trust in yourself that there is a better life for you and your children without him in it. 

Trust yourself. Trust that he sucks.


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

File. Today.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

13.5 years of lies?

Move on with divorce papers.

He's shown you -- repeatedly -- _exactly_ who he is. He will never change.

Seriously, dump this chump.


----------



## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

artandsoul said:


> I want HIM, but not the bull****. :/


The HIM you see is only his potential, not the real him. Many of us have the potential to be angels and you are in love with an idea of what he COULD be. 

Once you believe that the real HIM is the same as the bull****, you will answer your question of how to move on.


----------

