# stuck and need help



## alex4296 (Jan 27, 2015)

Hi, all. I’m looking for some advice/wisdom, maybe someone out there has been in a similar situation or has had similar thoughts and questions. I’m trying to decide whether to stay with my wife. 

She’s quite a wonderful person, and definitely deserves better, but I’ve had reservations about whether we should be together for a long time, beginning from before we were married. After a long time of getting a lot of pressure from her to get married, I said yes and we tied the knot. But I don’t think we should have gotten married, and I still have serious doubts about whether I want to be with her for the rest of our lives. 

Here’s why I’m unsatisfied: I never had a crush on my wife, I just kind of went along with her at each stage, not quite finding it bad enough to break it off (though I think I should have at some points). I hadn’t had many relationships before this one. I don’t think we interact well together. She’s needy and I think that she often brings out bad parts of me. She’s not as cheerful as I’d like. We sometimes don’t communicate that well, and we can’t have the type of open conversations that I’ve had with other friends. I resent that she doesn’t look after her physical fitness. I feel I have to hide a lot of myself from her, from what I think to how I spend my time. I think I’m with her not because I’m in love with her, but because I like being with someone rather than being alone. And also because I was afraid to break up with her. I think we should not have gotten married. I think I’d always be quietly a little sad and frustrated about being with her, knowing that I’d blown opportunities to find a better match. I often prefer to be on my own rather than have her around. And I see lots of other women that I like. I’m more physically attracted to many women, and more attracted to the personality of a few. 

BUT… She is smart, nice, responsible, earns a good salary, and is someone I can have meet my friends and family with pride and no awkwardness. She loves me and is mostly considerate. Our daily lives are fine. She’s good-looking, although I’m not drawn to look at her as I am with some other people. We enjoy a lot of the same activities. She’s a great match on paper. And I’m old enough now that I’d be pretty nervous that I wouldn’t be able to find a better match if we split up. And even more afraid that it would be hugely, hugely painful to do so. She’s also been very upfront the whole time about wanting kids (which I also want, but I’ve been pushing off having kids with her for years because of this issue), so leaving her would be a really awful thing to do to her, since it would make it really hard for her to do that, and she’s already very worried about not having many fertile years left. It would up-end our lives, and leave us both pretty old to be looking for a mate. 

Who knows, maybe I’d get over the regrets I have about her and about other women I’d met if we have kids and I somehow stop thinking about alternatives. Or at least would get on with life, not having to turn this over in my head all the time. I feel torn, and have felt that way for a long time. I’ve been stuck for a long time. I don’t know how to move forward. I feel frozen. As a result, I’ve just been ignoring the problem for years (although also thinking about it most days), never resolving it. 

So, should I stay or go? Or taking a step back, how can I approach this and get to some decision that lets me at least feel like I’m probably doing the best thing?

Thanks for reading and thanks in advance for any help.

Alex


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Only you can decide if you should stay or go. It doesn't sound like anything major is bad in your marriage. You need to decide quickly because it's not fair for her for you to keep delaying having children as her clock is ticking and then decide you want a divorce and she is too old to have children. It sounds like you are ripe for an affair. So what if you are physically attracted to other women, most men are. What she earns should be no consideration, you should be with her because of her not how much money she makes and makes your life more comfortable.

It sounds like you with her in a large part because you don't want to be alone and if you met a women who meets all of your criteria you would dump your wife. What would your wife say about you? I bet you aren't perfect in her eyes. You list your wifes faults, what about your faults? Would those women who you are more attracted too even give you a second look? I think you are looking for a perfect person to have a perfect marriage and that's rare to find.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

OP, 

Talk with you wife. Talk about how you yourself is unhappy with what is happening between the 2 of you and go to coupling therapy. Dont blame her, or use her as why you are unhappy... 

~sammy


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## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

You have to go. You have to end it now. Please don't let anyone talk you into staying because you have ALWAYS felt this way. It's not something that recently arose in you. It's not something she has done and can correct. It's not something you blame her for. It's not as though the two of you have lost your way or grown apart. And, it's not something that can be fixed, so it's way past time that you are honest with yourself and honest with her. You have to do it now before there are children in the picture. Kids have a way of anchoring people, which means you will regret NOT doing it now for the rest of your days. If you already think you may be getting too old, just imagine how you will feel when the kids finish school. If you stay now, the two of you will end up having kids, and you will spend the whole while as unhappy as you are right now, but you'll vow to stay until they are grown. You really WILL be too old then to start the family you always felt you wanted. And you will stay because you are a coward. You're in this predicament because you're a coward, and you're being a coward right now by not just making and facing the decision of what you really want to do. It's time you grew up to be the grown man your age indicates.


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## tippingpoint (Jan 6, 2015)

CarlaRose said:


> You have to go. You have to end it now. Please don't let anyone talk you into staying because you have ALWAYS felt this way. It's not something that recently arose in you. It's not something she has done and can correct. It's not something you blame her for. It's not as though the two of you have lost your way or grown apart. And, it's not something that can be fixed, so it's way past time that you are honest with yourself and honest with her. You have to do it now before there are children in the picture. Kids have a way of anchoring people, which means you will regret NOT doing it now for the rest of your days. If you already think you may be getting too old, just imagine how you will feel when the kids finish school. If you stay now, the two of you will end up having kids, and you will spend the whole while as unhappy as you are right now, but you'll vow to stay until they are grown. You really WILL be too old then to start the family you always felt you wanted. And you will stay because you are a coward. You're in this predicament because you're a coward, and you're being a coward right now by not just making and facing the decision of what you really want to do. It's time you grew up to be the grown man your age indicates.



I agree with you, but I wonder----if he never had the spine to break it off at every stage of the relationship so far, why would he do it now when there's even more to lose?


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## daisybush (Jan 16, 2015)

I think you must talk clear in this situation more you will think more time will waste so just be open and clear.


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