# Confused in Marriage, Need another Man's Input



## brianj (Mar 11, 2014)

I posted this in the General Relationship Forum as well but wanted to get another man's perspective on my situation. 

I have been married for 17 years to what I feel is my soul mate. Nine years ago I had an EA/PA which only lasted a few months. We went to MC and it was great and we felt like we were living another honeymoon! However, around 2 1/2 years ago I started to notice that my W was becoming emotionally detached. Not only from me but our daughter and her immediate family. A few months earlier my son had moved out as well. As the years have gone by and multiple conversations about the relationship, it seems to be only getting worse.

In September, was when she first mentioned separation but we agreed that it wasn't a good idea. After that we seemed to be having a relationship talk every week which ended with me becoming upset and her showing no emotion. Our last talk was over a week ago and of course I became very upset. After that I made the decision that I need to get control of my life and also seek out advice from others who may be in a similar situation.

From the research I have done, my W seems to fall under the "Walk Away Spouse" syndrome but I am not sure this is it.

Does anyone have any insight, advice, or words of encouragement that they can share?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

What is her reason that she states for not wanting to be involved in her marriage to you?


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## brianj (Mar 11, 2014)

Hicks said:


> What is her reason that she states for not wanting to be involved in her marriage to you?


Thanks for the response. 

She says that there is no "joy" at home which in turn has caused her to occupy her time more outside of the home.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Is it just the two of you at home now?

How much did you interact, with just each other, over the recent years?


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## brianj (Mar 11, 2014)

anchorwatch said:


> Is it just the two of you at home now?
> 
> How much did you interact, with just each other, over the recent years?


No, we have a Daughter who is 15. Our son moved out over 2 years ago. 

Our interaction, even now is daily. Whether through text message, phone call, or in person.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

brianj said:


> Our interaction, even now is daily. Whether through text message, phone call, or in person.


I didn't phrase my question clearly. I mean intimately, through conversation, social activities and physical. 

Do you both get away from what you learned years ago, in MC? 

Would you go back to MC? Would she?


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## brianj (Mar 11, 2014)

anchorwatch said:


> I didn't phrase my question clearly. I mean intimately, through conversation, social activities and physical.
> 
> Do you both get away from what you learned years ago, in MC?
> 
> Would you go back to MC? Would she?


Not sure I fully understand your question but yes, over the last couple of years our interaction has gone down but this is due to her not being home as much. 

I think that we may have. She said that she would consider MC again but felt a "break" would be beneficial before doing the counseling.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

brianj said:


> Not sure I fully understand your question but yes, over the last couple of years our interaction has gone down but this is due to her not being home as much.
> 
> I think that we may have. She said that she would consider MC again but felt a "break" would be beneficial before doing the counseling.


Sounds like you and your wife have grown apart. 

So she hasn't been home as much, she's been out in the world trying to live her life and find herself/what she likes to do, etc....my question is what have YOU been doing these past few years?

If you don't grow together, you grow apart. All people grow and evolve over time, and unless you find time to do fun and enjoyable things together, you will find yourself in this position, where she has created a new life for herself (or at least the idea of what her new life would be like), and you aren't in it. 

If you really want to give this a shot, you should sit her down and discuss this with her. Tell her that you owe it to each other to give it one more shot, and that you are eager to spend time doing things she wants to do. Tell her you also have some ideas of what you want to do, and you would love for her to do those things with you, together. And seriously...get some ideas. Couples yoga, go to the gym, couples spa day, travelling together, dinner and dancing, maybe dancing lessons, a cooking class, surprise her with a nice dinner and her favourite bottle of wine, go to a concert or musical...something she might enjoy, etc. Step out of your comfort zone a bit...it's new and exciting/fun.

If she's already completely checked out, it could be to late, or worse, there could be someone else in the picture. 

If you want to save the marriage, you can't neglect it. If she's simply not interested in having you around anymore, there's only so much you can do. 

Again, what have you been up to while this was falling apart? Do you have a life going on? Are you involved in group activities? Do you sit at home and watch TV? What been going on while she's been out and about?

If you haven't been doing much, no time like the present. Get some hobbies, preferably hobbies that involve interaction with other beings. If you've forgotten what you like to do, figure it out and be willing to try new things. Regardless of whether your marriage survives or not, these are skills you need to rediscover to carry on living a happy and healthy life.


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## brianj (Mar 11, 2014)

tulsy said:


> Sounds like you and your wife have grown apart.
> 
> So she hasn't been home as much, she's been out in the world trying to live her life and find herself/what she likes to do, etc....my question is what have YOU been doing these past few years?
> 
> ...


We have a Daughter who is 15 so I have been spending time with her. I also going a martial arts gym months ago and have been doing that. Other than those things I haven't been doing much of anything else except trying to restore my relationship.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> I didn't phrase my question clearly. I mean intimately, through conversation, social activities and physical.
> 
> Do you both get away from what you learned years ago, in MC?
> 
> Would you go back to MC? Would she?


Op, I think what Anchorwatch was trying to ask is if you and your wife still date. How much time do you spend doing fun, date-like things, just the two of you? Do you two spend time having adult conversations about things other than daily-life logistics or the kids? Do you share any hobbies? How often are you non-sexually affectionate and how often do you two have sex?

Some research suggests that maintaining romantic love in a relationship requires that a couple spend around 15 hours per week together, focusing on one another. Willard Harley discusses this in a few of his books, so you might try _Fall in Love, Stay in Love_. 

Also, do be aware that your "only lasted a few months" EA/PA probably did some damage to your marriage which has not been healed. Some people are able to rebuild a great marriage after infidelity, given the proper handling of the reconciliation process. That R process can take from 2-5 years, even if both spouses are doing everything right. Others find that even if everything goes well in R, the damage just can't be overcome to the point that a strong and lasting post-affair marriage is possible. It may take several *years* after D-Day for the BS to process everything to the point they realize that the love really isn't going to come back and/or that the level of trust they can have in their formerly WS isn't going to be sufficient to rebuild a strong marriage. So, if you two handled the fall-out from your affair properly (do some reading in Coping with Infidelity to find out), it may be that there was simply too much damage done. If you didn't handle your R properly, it may be worthwhile to back up and re-do some steps, if she's willing, in order to help her feel emotionally safe enough to reconnect with you.


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## brianj (Mar 11, 2014)

Rowan said:


> Op, I think what Anchorwatch was trying to ask is if you and your wife still date. How much time do you spend doing fun, date-like things, just the two of you? Do you two spend time having adult conversations about things other than daily-life logistics or the kids? Do you share any hobbies? How often are you non-sexually affectionate and how often do you two have sex?
> 
> Some research suggests that maintaining romantic love in a relationship requires that a couple spend around 15 hours per week together, focusing on one another. Willard Harley discusses this in a few of his books, so you might try _Fall in Love, Stay in Love_.
> 
> Also, do be aware that your "only lasted a few months" EA/PA probably did some damage to your marriage which has not been healed. Some people are able to rebuild a great marriage after infidelity, given the proper handling of the reconciliation process. That R process can take from 2-5 years, even if both spouses are doing everything right. Others find that even if everything goes well in R, the damage just can't be overcome to the point that a strong and lasting post-affair marriage is possible. It may take several *years* after D-Day for the BS to process everything to the point they realize that the love really isn't going to come back and/or that the level of trust they can have in their formerly WS isn't going to be sufficient to rebuild a strong marriage. So, if you two handled the fall-out from your affair properly (do some reading in Coping with Infidelity to find out), it may be that there was simply too much damage done. If you didn't handle your R properly, it may be worthwhile to back up and re-do some steps, if she's willing, in order to help her feel emotionally safe enough to reconnect with you.


Oh, OK, I get the question now.........the answer is "not very much"...We had a date night Saturday and it was awesome. Seemed like old times. On the weekends she typically tries to make plans with friends unless I am the one to set some time aside. However, we hadn't gone to the movies or anything for weeks before Saturday. I have mentioned to her that I would like to do a date night once a week and she was up for it. We try to have adult conversations about our days but she tends to get on her phone and check facebook, etc... Also, our sex life is better than it has ever been. 

I think you are right about maybe not healing from the A years back. I think neither of us did the follow through to last us for years.


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