# Why I just can't do it



## Seeking1 (Oct 21, 2016)

Hi all. I'm new. I've been coming to the site for about 2 weeks and feel comfortable with the level of maturity on this site. 

Here is my problem....

I know that sex is super important to my husband. His love language is touch. Mine is words of affirmation and I'm not much of a toucher, but I put forth the effort. 

When we first got married 5 years ago, our sex life was good 4-6 times a week. Over the years it has diminished...Some of it from kids and some of it from something else. 

And that's what I'm writing for. I need advice. My husband is a bonified grouch. He's always moping...you walk into a room and you get an automatic critique or an automatic negative comment. The kids bolt in droves when he walks into the room. No one wants to deal with his crap attitude. 

It's downright depressing to spend time with him. As much as I know marital time alone is important, I'm either irritated with something he said or the way he acted that I just don't want to do anything alone with him.

Sex? God take that off the table. I initiate once or twice a week, but I only do it out of duty because I don't want him to stray. I have a hard time getting myself to do even that anymore. His grouchiness and depression completely kill any desire I have to want to have intimacy with him. 

He denies he has a problem. Now what? To upkeep sex is creating a sexual aversion for me. I don't even want to touch him half the time anymore. 

Help!


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Sounds like me 5 years ago. The only thing that made me change was the bad sex. If I was honest with myself, I could tell that my wife did not want to be there. If that doesn't give him a kick in the pants, I don't know what will.

It's a hard funk to get out of. My heart attack was part of the problem, but the main issue was my attitude about everything. Always down, always looking at the glass half empty, always complaining. I would have divorced me too.


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## rich84 (Mar 30, 2015)

Have you discussed your feelings with your husband in blunt terms? Could you possibly have a negative feedback loop - he's a grouch because sex has diminished and you want less sex because of his crap disposition? What does he say he's grouchy about? He should be made aware in very clear language that your attraction to him is suffering because of his behavior. It may take a 2x4 to deliver the message. 

Some people are just miserable people. You cannot necessarily change his behavior, but you can certainly change your own. Choose not to be affected by his negativity. It's too emotionally exhausting. 


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## Seeking1 (Oct 21, 2016)

I have increased sex thinking maybe lack of was making him grouchy. That doesn't work. I've told him time and time again that he hurts my heart when he acts the way he does and it makes it hard for me to want to spend time with him alone. 

I get nothing. Or he flips it on me. 

Lately, I'm just doing my own thing. Hobbies, friends, taking care of me. I don't like that I am avoiding him though. But if he won't acknowledge than I don't know what to do.

It's almost like he's making more misery for himself.


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## Married27years (Jun 16, 2016)

If he enjoys sex so much why are you initiating? Why doesn't he initiate? t was going to post that maybe he is that way because he wants more sex and/or he knows you don't really want to have sex with him. I guess not. You can't change his attitude and negative outlook on life, especially since he denies he has a problem. I would just continue to do what you have been doing, sex included. If you did cut off sex he would probably be even worse to live with.


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## Seeking1 (Oct 21, 2016)

I initiate because he's got this whole 'please take care of me' thing going on. His behavior is like this: "moan groan, i'm so unhappy, someone make it better for me. "

"moan groan, I had a rough day" now cuddle with me and make it better. 

"Moan groan, and maybe ***** at the dog" my life is so hard, please make it better. 

It's exhausting and annoying.


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## Seeking1 (Oct 21, 2016)

Oh and his idea of initiating is rolling over in bed and instead of holding ME, holds my crotch. 
NOT a turn on. If you want to make a girl feel like a piece of meat? Here's how you do it.


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## rich84 (Mar 30, 2015)

Seeking1 said:


> Oh and his idea of initiating is rolling over in bed and instead of holding ME, holds my crotch.
> 
> NOT a turn on. If you want to make a girl feel like a piece of meat? Here's how you do it.




Wow. No wonder you don't want to have sex with him. It does sound like you are starting the 180 (search this forum for more on that -it's well documented). You are going to have to destabilize the relationship if things are to be turned around. You are a WAW in the making. 


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Seeking1 said:


> Hi all. I'm new. I've been coming to the site for about 2 weeks and feel comfortable with the level of maturity on this site.


You sure you're on the right website?


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## Married27years (Jun 16, 2016)

Wow what a turn on. NOT Does he have a history of depression or do you think he just acts this way to get attention?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

If you are able to have a really open talk with him, that would help. Find out why he is grouchy. He can find out why you aren't enjoying sex. Maybe he isn't enjoying it either for completely different reasons. There is a possibility that this is all "feedback", each of you reacting badly to the others bad reactions. That if you could just "reset", both of you could be happy.

That's the best possibility, but it might not be true.

If you cant talk, but he is willing to go to counseling, that might work. 

Has he always been like this? Was the change gradual or sudden, and do you know what brought it on?


Its completely reasonable for you to not want sex with an unpleasant person. Its completely reasonable for him to be unhappy if there isn't enough sex. The question is, can he become a pleasant loving person, then you will desire sex, and he (and you) will be happy.


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## Síocháin (Mar 11, 2016)

@Seeking1

My STBXH did not initiate. Well, only when he was drunk. I was in a sexless marriage for over 6 years. He left in July. I no longer trusted him and without that trust my desire just died. I tried to talk to him about my fears and feelings and the fact we were sexless but he would look at his feet and just walk away or like your H turn it around and blame me. He told me my feelings were wrong. I started reading here in 2012 trying to figure out how to fix this. I realized I couldn't. I was not giving him what he needed nor was he giving me what I needed. It was a vicious cycle. I remember as far back as 2005 feeling like I didn't matter to him. 

If you're like me you have to have respect and an emotional connection from your partner. I got neither. I repeatedly told my ex what I needed from him to maintain intimacy and he chose to ignore me to the the point where everything good I felt for him was gone. Being last on his priority list, talking negatively about me and allowing others to call me horrible names, talking to me like I was an idiot. All of these things just killed it for me. When I tried to talk to him he would flip it or make promises he had no intention of keeping. 

You should let your H know how you feel and what you need and then listen to him when he tells you what he needs. If he will. But after that, there is nothing you can do. He can only change himself. You have to decide what you're willing to live with or without. My STBXH did not talk to me at all. I am sure there are others out there that know more about what went wrong than I do.


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## Seeking1 (Oct 21, 2016)

It's a pattern from what I can garner here and there from things his family says. His last relationship was pretty much the same as ours. 

He turns on the charm, bags us dumb chics and then **** gets real.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Seeking1 said:


> And that's what I'm writing for. I need advice. My husband is a bonified grouch. He's always moping...you walk into a room and you get an automatic critique or an automatic negative comment. The kids bolt in droves when he walks into the room. No one wants to deal with his crap attitude.


Before I conclude, what is your attitude when you walk in?

Do you find yourself anticipating grouchiness and limit your happiness/excitement?



> It's downright depressing to spend time with him. As much as I know marital time alone is important, I'm either irritated with something he said or the way he acted that I just don't want to do anything alone with him.
> 
> Sex? God take that off the table. I initiate once or twice a week, but I only do it out of duty because I don't want him to stray. I have a hard time getting myself to do even that anymore. His grouchiness and depression completely kill any desire I have to want to have intimacy with him.


Grouchiness is one thing, but depression is another.


Does he have any of these and if so, rate them from 0-9:

Deprivation of social contacts;
Low energy;
Persistent negative thoughts;



> He denies he has a problem. Now what? To upkeep sex is creating a sexual aversion for me. I don't even want to touch him half the time anymore.
> 
> Help!


How do you approach him? Do you do it demandingly, with pressure, neediness or care/compassion/understanding?


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## Seeking1 (Oct 21, 2016)

It's awful I even wrote that I'm a dumb chic. Ugh this is worse than I thought.


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## Seeking1 (Oct 21, 2016)

Relationship Teacher


Deprivation of social contacts; he has none but his mother
Low energy; he comes home and flops on the couch and that's it
Persistent negative thoughts;i don't know about negative....all i hear is the anger. he hates everything and everyone.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Seeking1 said:


> I initiate because he's got this whole 'please take care of me' thing going on. His behavior is like this: "moan groan, i'm so unhappy, someone make it better for me. "
> 
> "moan groan, I had a rough day" now cuddle with me and make it better.
> 
> ...


I need to add:

Your participation in this routine is purely of your own volition. Avoiding an emotional reaction (his) or being entangled in one is something that can validate (to him) his behavior.


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## Seeking1 (Oct 21, 2016)

Oh and my approach when I do initiate is a smile, a cute outfit, a hug...it's not like i'm just like ugh get this done.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Seeking1 said:


> Relationship Teacher
> 
> 
> Deprivation of social contacts; he has none but his mother
> ...


Those are go-to signs of depression (my list). How is his self-esteem, self-worth, etc.?


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## Seeking1 (Oct 21, 2016)

His self esteem...I'd say low. He kind of does this weird thing where he mimics the person he's talking to. Or he gets super uncomfortably close especially with females again with the whole, oh whoa is me thing. 

I see the people get weirded out. 

His dad bolted when he was 16. At that point from what I can tell his entanglement with his mother started. He is a HUGE momma's boy. 

He can't even be in the same room with his dad without shaking. But again. He dramatizes everything.


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## Seeking1 (Oct 21, 2016)

Somewhere in there is a good guy. I just can't get past how he's acting.


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## GreyEcho (Sep 28, 2016)

I was in a funk a few years back just like your hubby.. It had nothing to do with my wife, just everything else in my life.. When I hit 48 I started to evaluate myself and my life accomplishments.. Mostly through the glasses of self pity, I must say.. I then realized that what I have is better then most. I did see a doctor and was diagnosed with depression. I received the help I needed and things improved greatly.. I became more honest about myself, my feeling and what is ACTUALLY important. My home life is much appreciated these days.. 

If he doesn't want to talk to you, suggest he talk with someone who can help him walk through what he is thinking and feeling.. He will probably say no!! I did.. many times; but, I am glad I did


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## Seeking1 (Oct 21, 2016)

I appreciate that Grey Echo. But what can I do in the meantime?


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## GreyEcho (Sep 28, 2016)

Seeking1 said:


> I appreciate that Grey Echo. But what can I do in the meantime?


Change his routine, instead of him hitting the couch, take him out for a walk or go someplace the two of you can just be together without distractions .. Just listen to what he has to say if he decides to talk.. Don't be critical or make excuses.. Then work out a way to try and resolve what's going on. 

Find something you used to enjoy doing together other then sex.. 

I don't explain myself well when typing.. the best way I can put it is.. 

Go back to made you guys fall in love with each other.. I hope that makes sense


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Seeking1 said:


> Somewhere in there is a good guy. I just can't get past how he's acting.


A lot of what you bring to the table will determine the outcome. Think of it this way, if you want him to go somewhere, you have to lead the way. If you want him to be happy, you need to be there first. If you try and immediately get your smile knocked off of your face when he begins grouching, it is going to hinder the process. 

I don't think he has clinical depression, necessarily, but he still needs some kind of catalyst-based intervention.

Generally, I advise trying to help and still offer compassion in his grouchy state. From there, you can try to get him to open up and get him in unfamiliar and uncomfortable territory. His grouchiness tends to be that hissing cat: back off/beware. As you stated, he has a high need for emotional comfort to fix his mood for him. Individuals arrive this way when they are raised on conditional love. A lot of his behaviors have very painful origins.

How do we get him to take responsibility for himself?
How do we get him to find his catalyst?

Again, offer compassion concomitantly with some standards. He will have to come to terms with the fact that the world does not revolve around him. Your task is to try to get to point 'B' unscathed and with minimal effort, while maximizing the returns.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Are you sure? When was the last time he really was good to you?

From your earlier post about him acting nice, to "bag you dumb..." : First of all, I doubt you are dumb. But more importantly, WHY???? Being nice is easy, and it makes your partner happy which makes you happy. Why would someone want a relationship with a person that they don't want to be nice to????

I can understand being lazy and shirking on chores etc. But I don't understand not being nice if someone knows how. 






Seeking1 said:


> Somewhere in there is a good guy. I just can't get past how he's acting.


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## Seeking1 (Oct 21, 2016)

I think what I learned is I have to start asking the hard questions. i've tried. and I've tried hard. 
And I've learned he needs help. I can't fix it with sex or anything else for that matter.


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## Seeking1 (Oct 21, 2016)

All of the advice to apply compassion..I understand. I've been doing that. At what point do I just say enough! 
Man, I wish I could be an ******* all day and still expect my spouse to kiss my ass


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## Seeking1 (Oct 21, 2016)

And actually as I read my post...this is bull****. If I acted this way, 24/7 I wouldn't expect my spouse to be all like hey I love you. I'm being treated like crap.


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## Seeking1 (Oct 21, 2016)

More sex? No. Act right and then that will likely happen.
Affection? Fine. Give people around you respect.
Other issues? go see a therapist. No my damn issue. but happy to help


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## GreyEcho (Sep 28, 2016)

well you can look at him and tell him just that.. I love you; but; I am tired of being treated like crap.. and see how he responds.. that will give you an idea of where you stand..


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Seeking, the most important question that you need to answer is this:

Are you willing to "carry" him through this?

It does not sound like you are. Please understand I am not faulting you for this. Some are willing to, some are not, and some are simply unable.


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## Seeking1 (Oct 21, 2016)

I see a lot of guys post on here about their need for sex.

1. what are you doing that is offending your wife
2. isn't there more to life than sex? Jesus. Don't you get sick of hearing yourself
3. dont treat your women like what you see on porn. it is bull****


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## GreyEcho (Sep 28, 2016)

Seeking1 said:


> I see a lot of guys post on here about their need for sex.
> 
> 1. what are you doing that is offending your wife
> 2. isn't there more to life than sex? Jesus. Don't you get sick of hearing yourself
> 3. dont treat your women like what you see on porn. it is bull****



1. Nothing, she would tell me 
2. We have a better relationship now then when we were just married.. less sex & more time together
3. We watch porn together only..


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Seeking1 said:


> I see a lot of guys post on here about their need for sex.
> 
> 1. what are you doing that is offending your wife
> 2. isn't there more to life than sex? Jesus. Don't you get sick of hearing yourself
> 3. dont treat your women like what you see on porn. it is bull****


Seeking:

I find it interesting that you came here because of you husband's sullen, angry demeanor.

However, this post above makes me not only question his contribution to this dynamic, but yours as well.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> Seeking, the most important question that you need to answer is this:
> 
> *Are you willing to "carry" him through this?*
> 
> It does not sound like you are. Please understand I am not faulting you for this. Some are willing to, some are not, and some are simply unable.



I would suggest you not attempt to carry him through this. Whether your husband is a grown up little boy who wants his mommy/wife to make it all better, or whether your husband is depressed, this is not on your plate to fix.

People hate to hear advice about ultimatums and I'm not suggesting that you thrown down the divorce threat. But you do need to let him know that his mood, attitude and behavior are killing the marriage because they are driving you away.

Send him to a therapist. Stop initiating sex unless you want to have sex. When he initiates in such a lazy haphazard way, do not engage. You tell him he needs therapy and that you are his wife not his mother. When he does his lazy initiation, you tell him this doesn't turn you on. And then follow that up with what you want him to do to initiate sex. 

The above paragraph is actually several conversations. First is therapy because his mood and attitude are driving you away. Second is his laziness. 

Nothing kills a sex life faster than a man child.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

Do you work for government by any chance, OP? You sound like my mother and your husband sounds like my father. A ball of negativity and yet wonders why we avoid him.

I keep my mouth shut because I live under his roof but, man, I have a few choice words I would like to say.

Your husband needs to fix himself. To hell with this mommy role you are playing to a grown man! Let him gets some friends and hobbies and he won't be the petty person that he is now, being critical of every nonsense around the house.


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## Seeking1 (Oct 21, 2016)

A lot of good advice. 

Thank you everyone! I don't know if I can carry him through. I guess I am willing to as long as he admits there is an problem. This day in day out torture with his mood has got to stop. When the kids start coming to you ask why I'm not leaving, that becomes an issue. 

His own son (stepson 17) has told me after many fights, my dad will never change. 

I'm going to continue with getting together with my friends, do my activities, and be the best mom I can be. 

Sex? That's a tough one. I don't like having to perform as a mood regulator. 

I need him to seek help. I can't go on this way. For those of you who wrote that being a mother in a marriage is a mood killer....you're dead on!


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## rich84 (Mar 30, 2015)

Seeking1 said:


> I see a lot of guys post on here about their need for sex.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




If you think that these are the most common behaviors by men on TAM with HD/LD issues (men that are offensive, sex addled, & degrading), you have a limited viewpoint of the complexity of that dynamic. Keep reading. 

As for your situation, I agree with Anon Pink. You need to become very forthright, because you are shielding him from the truth at your expense and enabling him to continue acting like a man child. He actually believes that he can pull a Trump (grab you by the crotch), and that this will get you going. You're going to have to upset him and destabilize the relationship. Nobody EVER changes from a place of comfort. He needs some energizing discomfort in his life. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Seeking1 (Oct 21, 2016)

He will be home soon. And I am dreading it. 
When I think about asserting myself i just feel ill. 
I won't bode well. It's occurrent to me that I have no idea how to behave with him.
i'm accustomed to negativity and walking out of the room


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Why do you fear confrontation? 

Who has taught you that speaking your feelings is bad?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

There are a lot of different people in different situations. Mostly you hear from the people who are trying because the ones who aren't don't post.

A HD person posting here will talk about everything they have done to try to bring intimacy back. They are likely telling the truth. You don't hear from the HD people who are offensive or objectionable, because they don't know or don't care that there is anything to fix.

A LD person posting here will talk about every awful thing their partner has done to drive them away from sex. They are likely telling the truth. The "absolute" LDs don't think sex is important so they don't post about it.

The LD and HD both are telling the truth but they are not in a relationship with EACH OTHER, so the stories seem inconsistent. Their problem-causing partners are not here. 


To answer your questions in my case:

1). As far as I know, nothing. I've asked my wife many times over the years, and long ago changed the few things she did complain about. Based on those, I dress better, I do all sorts of romantic gestures (flowers, love notes, romantic dinners, sitting on the porch watching the sunset - all things I enjoy too). That was about the total of her complaints, and fixed decades ago.

2). Yes there is more to life, but sex is one important piece. If I ask we rarely have sex. If I stop asking (for months) we rarely have sex. So I accept a sex life that consists of a HJ about once every 2 weeks, and actual sex maybe 4 times a year. To me sex is part of the difference between friendship and love. It is one link in a chain, and if that (or any other) link is missing, the relationship is bad. 


3). I do everything she asks for in bed, and do my best to find new things she enjoys. She appears to have an O almost every time. She may have been faking for 30 years, but at some point, if she fakes, and lies so well that I can't tell, there isn't much I can do. I'm completely bored by standard porn, no interest in acting like that. 


From what I can tell, this is completely different from the situation from yours. Your partner seems generally unpleasant, so I'm not at all surprised that you don't want sex with him. If he were posting here, I'd tell him to learn to treat the woman he loves well. 





Seeking1 said:


> I see a lot of guys post on here about their need for sex.
> 
> 1. what are you doing that is offending your wife
> 2. isn't there more to life than sex? Jesus. Don't you get sick of hearing yourself
> 3. dont treat your women like what you see on porn. it is bull****


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Seeking1, being treated like a sex object will build resentment, no doubt... you have every right to be upset when your relationship has been minimized where you feel like you are nothing more than a breathing sex toy... problem is his actions and your reactions are caustic and nonsupporting of another. One of them has to be removed first to get a handle on the problems that are driving this, stay with what you can control... you. 

Begin with boundaries you can immediately communicate and take action on, and these boundaries begin with you. Our relationship in and with life is to believe in the ones we love (unlimited group of people here), and give them the best we can to help them through the trials life brings, we cannot do that while we are entangled and struggling in the pool with them and being pulled down by the one drowning, we have to disengage for a moment and get a safer grip so we can aid in their survival... emotional drownings are not much different.

You have some really great insights here (thank you @Relationship Teacher) and others that are seeing things you may not...in the end it comes down to what we can muster at the end of the day. You may not be able to save him in the end, but you can at least try help him to the shore where others can and then step back and see if he can be spiritually resuscitated to the man you fell in love with. If you think he is fearful and not believing in himself now, counseling will terrify him... drowning causes panic and he may lash out in anger more, swim aside and let that current pass you.

Do not allow yourself to be pulled under, but don't be the weight that contributes to the demise either...

Peace be with you.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Put a sign on the door - "Negative and grumpy behavior free Zone - Please enter if you can treat all occupants with dignity and respect. If you can't go to the gym and work your anger off until you can!"


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Seeking1 said:


> It's awful I even wrote that I'm a dumb chic. Ugh this is worse than I thought.


Sorry for your pain...frustration.

Aside from putting anti-anxiety/depression medication in his cereal there is nothing you can do here.

He has to be willing to help himself. You say he refuses.

If you want my small blessing, here it is. 

Give him an ultimatum: You are thinking about leaving him....actually, you already have done so, mentally. 

Put fear into him. Tell him if he does not seek mental help he will find himself alone.....again. Say it calmly.......look him in the eye.

Bad behavior deserves consequences. He is not evil, he is deflated and weak. He needs to jump out of the rut that he fell into. 

You deserve better.... than this [his] treatment.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Seeking1 said:


> Hi all. I'm new. I've been coming to the site for about 2 weeks and feel comfortable with the level of maturity on this site.
> 
> Here is my problem....
> 
> ...


Maybe say all of ^this^ to him.

Better yet, let him read it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

You mean women will initiate sex up to twice a week out of obligation? Holy crap. I married the wrong person.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

LOL...about the _*last*_ thing I'd recommend to you is to _reward _his d*ick behavior with MORE sex. Gee, maybe you should also bring him a ham sandwich and go out and wash and wax his car after you're done swinging from a chandelier for him. Talk about ridiculous.

Sounds to me as though this nasty piece of work used the old bait and switch method to draw you in. I saw where you said this is why his *last* marriage broke up, because he was a nasty, unhappy little troll in that marriage too. 

So this is obviously who he *IS*. I'm not going to try to blame his sh*t attitude on you being 'negative' or 'not giving him enough sex' because that's ridiculous. When his own freakin KIDS leave the room because even THEY don't want to be around him, that speaks volumes - and none of it good. 

You know, you weren't put on this earth to cater to this assclown. Call me crazy, but he sure doesn't sound like enough of a prize to ME to sacrifice one's life and happiness just for the privilege of being in this sad sack's orbit. When your whole entire life centers around placating him, walking on eggshells, dreading seeing him, being repulsed by his touch, and constantly being unhappy because he stains every damned good thing in your life, *what's the point*?

I ask you that seriously.

What's the point?


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## Seeking1 (Oct 21, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> LOL...about the _*last*_ thing I'd recommend to you is to _reward _his d*ick behavior with MORE sex. Gee, maybe you should also bring him a ham sandwich and go out and wash and wax his car after you're done swinging from a chandelier for him. Talk about ridiculous.
> 
> Sounds to me as though this nasty piece of work used the old bait and switch method to draw you in. I saw where you said this is why his *last* marriage broke up, because he was a nasty, unhappy little troll in that marriage too.
> 
> ...


Yes I think he used the bait and switch method. 
And you're right. All I'm doing is rewarding his **** behaviour. All the while it's crushing my self esteem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Seeking1 (Oct 21, 2016)

So here's my plan. My sister is coming today to take the kids for some fun. While they are gone. I'm going to calmly discuss the situation with my spouse. Something's gotta give.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Seeking, you have not responded to any of my posts other than a like on the first one, so this will be my last post to you unless you indicate otherwise.

When you have this conversation with him today, state your boundaries, but also be willing to hear how he feels as well. As I stated in an earlier post, a couples dynamic takes two to create. 

His perspective may surprise you, so go into this communication prepared not only to transmit, but to receive as well.


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## Seeking1 (Oct 21, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> Why do you fear confrontation?
> 
> Who has taught you that speaking your feelings is bad?



I fear confrontation with him because as soon as the first word is out of my mouth no matter how kind he starts screaming and yelling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Seeking1 (Oct 21, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> Seeking, you have not responded to any of my posts other than a like on the first one, so this will be my last post to you unless you indicate otherwise.
> 
> When you have this conversation with him today, state your boundaries, but also be willing to hear how he feels as well. As I stated in an earlier post, a couples dynamic takes two to create.
> 
> His perspective may surprise you, so go into this communication prepared not only to transmit, but to receive as well.


I'm sorry. I didn't know how to quote to respond. 
I'm open to what he has to say. I actually hope he's got a perspective. Sadly this is not what's happened in the past.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GreyEcho (Sep 28, 2016)

Did last night go better or the same ole grumpy couch potato


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## Seeking1 (Oct 21, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> Seeking:
> 
> I find it interesting that you came here because of you husband's sullen, angry demeanor.
> 
> However, this post above makes me not only question his contribution to this dynamic, but yours as well.


I wrote this because I am angry and broken. All I hear isn't men needing sex sex sex. Whatever happened to having a conversation? I don't understand men's need for sex just like men don't usually understand women's need for genuine non sexual touch and conversation. When a woman has sex it is a big deal. We are taking you into our bodies. 
Depending on how that happened. It can feel downright intrusive. Women are the ones being penetrated. And if it's not welcome. It is downright unpleasant.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

Seeking1 said:


> I fear confrontation with him because as soon as the first word is out of my mouth no matter how kind he starts screaming and yelling.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




Since you hVe tried talking to him already. Have u ever written a letter to him about it ? I only ever use this method as a last resort on my hubby and it has been really successful for me on really sensitive issues. Sometimes when one is in complete denial about it that talking about it won't bode well and he will get really defensive . I find the letter eliminates that. 


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## Seeking1 (Oct 21, 2016)

no name said:


> Since you hVe tried talking to him already. Have u ever written a letter to him about it ? I only ever use this method as a last resort on my hubby and it has been really successful for me on really sensitive issues. Sometimes when one is in complete denial about it that talking about it won't bode well and he will get really defensive . I find the letter eliminates that.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


HEY! That's a great idea. I will try that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

Thanks . I found that hand writing it with pen is best. I just really pour my heart out on it and say how you feel. It makes it really personal to see it hand written. So I wouldn't recommend typing it as it easy to change what u want to say and it ends up being very sterile looking and essay like, which isn't the impression you want. I wish you luck and I hope it helps you as much as this method has helped me. 


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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

And another thing make sure he reads it alone and you are not there. 


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Seeking1 said:


> I wrote this because I am angry and broken. All I hear isn't men needing sex sex sex. Whatever happened to having a conversation? I don't understand men's need for sex just like men don't usually understand women's need for genuine non sexual touch and conversation. *When a woman has sex it is a big deal. We are taking you into our bodies. *
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


True. You summed it up nicely.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Seeking1 (Oct 21, 2016)

GreyEcho said:


> Did last night go better or the same ole grumpy couch potato


Same old. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GreyEcho (Sep 28, 2016)

Seeking1 said:


> Same old.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry to hear, that you have to go through it


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## Seeking1 (Oct 21, 2016)

GreyEcho said:


> Sorry to hear, that you have to go through it


Today he apparently has decided to take our youngest out. He texted me to say that he will be back whenever. This is it for me. I'm done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GreyEcho (Sep 28, 2016)

Seeking1 said:


> Today he apparently has decided to take our youngest out. He texted me to say that he will be back whenever. This is it for me. I'm done.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



WOW! that's just wrong.. what an ass he is being


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Seeking1 said:


> I wrote this because I am angry and broken. All I hear isn't men needing sex sex sex. Whatever happened to having a conversation? I don't understand men's need for sex just like men don't usually understand women's need for genuine non sexual touch and conversation. When a woman has sex it is a big deal. We are taking you into our bodies.
> Depending on how that happened. It can feel downright intrusive. Women are the ones being penetrated. And if it's not welcome. It is downright unpleasant.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you for responding.

I totally get it. I don't want to address the other side of this because that normally devolves into a tremendous thread jack of gender wars. However, I do want to hone in on what I was referring to regarding your contribution to the dynamic.

Your post that I initially quoted was angry, and spoke of resentment. Your follow up post spoke of allowing someone to penetrate your body in not-so-fond terms. 

I totally get your husband is behaving like a sullen child waiting for someone to put him in their lap and tell him it is okay. Not cool. But he is not here, so what you need to hear clearly is this:

Why are you continuing to do things for him that make you feel bad about yourself? You are allowing it; accommodating him; in so doing, your actions are communicating to him that this situation is okay, no matter what your words say.

In Awareness, DeMello wrote that there are three types of things we do:

1. Things we do for ourselves.
2. Things we do for others out of kindness and it makes us feel better about ourselves.
3. Things we do for others with expectation of reciprocity or that lead us feel WORSE about ourselves, (hence forth referred to as #3's).

#3's are relationship killers. They lack in honesty and transparency. They create covert contracts. They create resentment.

Whether you realize it or not, you are enabling this situation, but not responsible for it, by having sex with him when you don't want it. You must be honest with him, in a dispassionate manner.

"Husband, your constant anger is killing my attraction for you. It leads me not want to be intimate with you."

If he is as you describe, he will likely respond with anger. If he does, give him a simple response, in a dispassionate manner.

"I am not okay with angry outbursts. When you can talk to me like I matter, I will be more than willing to resume our discussion."

Then walk away. This communicates your boundary clearly. He can honor it...or not.

So, recap: Dispassionate honesty and transparency, no number 3's, and enforce boundaries.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Please don't fall into the trap of believe that most men are like your obnoxious husband. Its not just women who want non sexual touch and conversation. The problem is not "men", its the particular man you married. 





Seeking1 said:


> I wrote this because I am angry and broken. All I hear isn't men needing sex sex sex. Whatever happened to having a conversation? I don't understand men's need for sex just like men don't usually understand women's need for genuine non sexual touch and conversation. When a woman has sex it is a big deal. We are taking you into our bodies.
> Depending on how that happened. It can feel downright intrusive. Women are the ones being penetrated. And if it's not welcome. It is downright unpleasant.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> Thank you for responding.
> 
> I totally get it. I don't want to address the other side of this because that normally devolves into a tremendous thread jack of gender wars. However, I do want to hone in on what I was referring to regarding your contribution to the dynamic.
> 
> ...


You beat me to the Awareness angle Junkman

Good advice OP

55

ETA: People only change when they have no choice if they want to stay in a relationship

see @turnera for advice


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

ffs treating this guy like he's some kind of kid.

If his wife left him he'd blame everyone but himself, do his cute shtick, bag another lady then repeat the whole process again.

The man himself should be on here or getting help/advice and trying to make things better.

Not through this poor lady.


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## Seeking1 (Oct 21, 2016)

uhtred said:


> Please don't fall into the trap of believe that most men are like your obnoxious husband. Its not just women who want non sexual touch and conversation. The problem is not "men", its the particular man you married.


Thank you. This warmed my heart
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Seeking1 (Oct 21, 2016)

BobSimmons said:


> ffs treating this guy like he's some kind of kid.
> 
> If his wife left him he'd blame everyone but himself, do his cute shtick, bag another lady then repeat the whole process again.
> 
> ...


It's funny you say this. He refuses to get a vascectomy. I'm on this shot that I keep being told I'm too old for. 

I swear the reason he won't do it is so he can bag someone again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Seeking1 said:


> I initiate because he's got this whole 'please take care of me' thing going on. His behavior is like this: "moan groan, i'm so unhappy, someone make it better for me. "
> 
> "moan groan, I had a rough day" now cuddle with me and make it better.
> 
> ...


He is someone who relies on others to create his happiness, and worse, someone who treats sex as a coping mechanism to deal with negative emotions. When he has sex with you, he is not being loving to you, he is using you the same way someone would use an aspirin to get rid of a headache. He is using sex to avoid dealing with his problems. So you need to let him know that sex IS one of his problems, and stop indulging him until it's done as a mutually enjoyable and loving activity.

If you treat it as giving him sex so he'll cheer up, that there may be a frequency of sex that will make him less grumpy, then he'll never learn any other way of cheering up.



Seeking1 said:


> Somewhere in there is a good guy. I just can't get past how he's acting.


I'm not so sure about that. It sounds like he's a grumpy guy through and through, and just knows how to turn on the charm long enough to find a supply of sex. You fell in love with a facade, and it cracked a long time ago. You have to stop trying to fix it and see if he does.


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## Seeking1 (Oct 21, 2016)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> He is someone who relies on others to create his happiness, and worse, someone who treats sex as a coping mechanism to deal with negative emotions. When he has sex with you, he is not being loving to you, he is using you the same way someone would use an aspirin to get rid of a headache. He is using sex to avoid dealing with his problems. So you need to let him know that sex IS one of his problems, and stop indulging him until it's done as a mutually enjoyable and loving activity.
> 
> If you treat it as giving him sex so he'll cheer up, that there may be a frequency of sex that will make him less grumpy, then he'll never learn any other way of cheering up.
> 
> ...


I hope you are wrong. But what you said makes sense.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

First, this does not seem to be a problem in the bedroom. A good chance he is having problems at work and facing financial challenges. Not infrequently, men perceive there is nowhere to turn and far from helping, discussing this with your wife creates more problems- what do you mean, will you be fired, do we have enough money in our savings, how will we pay the mortage, blah, blah, blah, never should have brought this up. Now I have an anxious wife asking me 5 times a week about status in addition to stress at work.

So try to find out what is going on, IN A NON-ACCUSATORY FASHION THAT DOES NOT STATE OR IMPLY HE IS DOING SOMETHING WRONG AND DOES NOT FOCUS ON YOU. You want to work on improving his communication skills, perhaps ultimately get him into counseling, work on allowing him to express his feelings, and realize that a good wife may help solve problems.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Seeking,

I want to personally thank you for posting here. 

Your examples are clear, concise and convincing.





Seeking1 said:


> Oh and his idea of initiating is rolling over in bed and instead of holding ME, holds my crotch.
> NOT a turn on. If you want to make a girl feel like a piece of meat? Here's how you do it.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Seeking1 said:


> I fear confrontation with him because as soon as the first word is out of my mouth no matter how kind he starts screaming and yelling.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And this does not raise as many RED flags as a Komsomol May 1st parade because?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Seeking1 said:


> It's funny you say this. He refuses to get a vascectomy. I'm on this shot that I keep being told I'm too old for.
> 
> I swear the reason he won't do it is so he can bag someone again.


It would be a very cold day in hell before I'd risk *my* health getting a birth control shot that isn't medically recommended JUST because this selfish piece of sh*t is too damned irresponsible to do anything about contraception.

OP, *respect* yourself and your health and stop making sacrifices for someone so beneath you.


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