# Raising the flag.



## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Long story made short, I have been going through a brutally ugly divorce over the course of the last year. My STBX has done just about everything under the sun to make my life a living hell. The end result is that she has pretty much self- destructed in the process; whereas I have emerged somewhat wounded, but honestly happier and healthier than before.

The question I have for you TAM readers is how do you stop the constant conflict and squabbling? I have tried not responding, but she will literally go on for the entire day with texting if I do not respond, or worse her behavior escalates. 

I guess I should be big enough to ignore it, but after awhile I just feel baited to respond, usually with a "do you ever listen to yourself", "classy", "or really in front of the kids" comment".

She also continues to show up at my house on holidays. The latest was she was in my garage on Valentines Day. I just told her to "take what she came for and leave." 

I am tired of fighting, and I honestly have moved on with my life. My new attorney has assured me a restraining order is possible, but I am looking to end and not escalate the conflict between us.

I am just honestly all fought out. I am a professional single father of a bunch of kids now, and I just don't have the mental energy for her drama any more. I have already planned to begin dating in April after my divorce goes through just to demonstrate to her that I have in fact moved on.

I am trying to focus on our good times; as we honestly had many over the years, and leave our marriage on a positive note, but I don't know what else I can do to get us to that "let's just be civil for the sake of the kids" stage. Any ideas?


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

LIL,

Good to hear from you. Sorry the drama has increased with your stbx. Those of us here that know you, know you can weather this storm. 

Sounds to me that things aren't quite working out the way she planned. It is unfortunate that she is too immature to realize the impact she undoubtedly is having on her relationship with the kids. 

If I was in your shoes, I would just ignore her texts or in the alternative block her number, although difficult to do in case of a true emergency arises.

But you must treat her like the little child having a tantrum that she is and sometimes that means ignoring.

That's all I got to say at least out loud. 

How are the kids holding up?

FA


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

The kids are holding up as well as to be expected. Their grades are strong. They laugh, and are active in school and socially. Their mom really hasn't had any contact with the older ones in the last 8 or so months that wasn't part of a court appointed evaluation. No birthday or Christmas contact, shopping, lunches etc. It's really rather tragic. 

She spends time with the younger two pretty much daily, either at or after school. It's hard for me to say that's to their benefit however. Hopefully though, it will keep a placemark in their relationships until she can mentally right herself. It really has been a sad chapter in our lives, but it's a book that seems to be finally finished.

I have struck a good balance between work and home, and I am busier, but legitimately happier than I have been in years. I think she has legitimate regrets for the course she has set her life upon, but reconciliation isn't an option as I no longer harbor anything that even resembles like, let alone love for this woman.

It's sad. She was once a very beautiful person. Now she frankly is just "kind of scary". I am just hoping to get to a place where she just let's me go. I have forgiven her for what's she's done. I just wish she'd do the same for me. I'm tired of fighting. I've swept the field. It just seems pointless to drop more bombs on a beaten enemy.

LIL


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

I think you are doing all you can do.....


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

It's hard when you are sharing things together, especially kids. You don't want to escalate the situation but you need peace too. 

Sounds like she knows how to yank your chain. I would just delete her texts. Just don't read them. On my cell I can hit "delete all threads" and take 'em all out without reading them. I'm sure you can do the same. 

Don't answer her calls. Let her get the voicemail. 

If she comes to the house, then ignore her. Lock the doors and don't answer if you can. 

I'm very good at ignoring people. You can be too. But the trick is to not give a damn anymore. Something tells me you do or else you wouldn't answer her texts.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

LIL,
Have you tried simply not acknowledging bad behavior at all? She texts you - and you don't respond and then she sends an ever escalating stream of nastier texts - why even acknowledge them. Maybe she starts calling - you don't have to answer. Maybe she comes to your business - and you get a restraining order at that point. 

For a very smart, successful guy, I don't understand why you are unwilling to enforce your boundaries. 

I think you need to consider your most recent interactions very objectively. If she texts you a reasonable question - and you know she is wound up - it is compassionate not to let her "freak herself out". A simple - "with a patient - will get back to you at lunch - or even - busy day - will get back to you tonight" is fine. 

That said - if she goes from basic request to hostile very quickly, before you even can respond - I think the best response is silence. And if that means she has to go through a series of very ugly melt downs to realize that this behavior is not effective, that is likely a healthy thing. She IS angry - her life is not turning out well. She has figured out yours is coming around. She is going to be angry for a while - maybe forever. Set the precedent now. And I would forward all her text messages to your own email account. At some point they need to be provided to your lawyer and he will advise you on if/how they fit into the divorce. 

As for what she does in front of the kids. I think it is important to email/text HER very short comments relating "what" has happened and why it is bad for the kids to see it. Again - all stuff a lawyer can help with. That written communication should be limited to how her behavior adversely impacts the kids - and leave out the fact that "you" don't like it. Ultimately the courts will move to protect your children, they will not however care that she is rude/hostile to you - EXCEPT where it reflects that she is unstable and not suitable for watching young children. But that "instability" needs to be self evident from what SHE writes, not based on your subjective assessment of her bad behavior. 





lastinline said:


> Long story made short, I have been going through a brutally ugly divorce over the course of the last year. My STBX has done just about everything under the sun to make my life a living hell. The end result is that she has pretty much self- destructed in the process; whereas I have emerged somewhat wounded, but honestly happier and healthier than before.
> 
> The question I have for you TAM readers is how do you stop the constant conflict and squabbling? I have tried not responding, but she will literally go on for the entire day with texting if I do not respond, or worse her behavior escalates.
> 
> ...


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## bellringer (Aug 20, 2010)

Dont feel bad last, I am going through the same bull with my stbxh, thank god my house sold and I will soon be getting out, he dont live here but he shows up all the time like he does, I would love to go no contact but he makes it impossible. he was told by both lawyers to call our son twice a day, he will call all day long. just yesterday my son and I went to the museum, it was 6pm when we were leaving, I had my son call him on the way home, we got home I fed my son, he took his shower and we were totally exhausted(prob from sitting in boston traffic for 2 hours) so like quarter past 8 we both went to sleep. I got up this morning there were 4 messages on my answering machine and 4 on my cell phone. its sickning. hes so pathetic. one nite he had his 2 calls in with son, but i guess he thought I was going out that nite, he called 14 times in a row and finally when i didnt answer it he came through the door demanding what was going on. they dont give up, and he is the one who left. he puts me on the spot with my son all the time, like today, its stbx nite with son, so he calls him and then has him put me on the phone, many times i just get the phone and hang it up but then my son starts crying cause he knows i just hung up on his dad. so he puts me on and he says i will pick him up at 4, like he couldnt tell my son, then goes on to tell me about the dishwasher needing a motor, he knows I dont care. I think our exs see that we are finally moving on and they cant handle it. now I know why everyone says dont beg and cry because you look pathetic, and the other person dont like it, because I dont like it all all. I would never deprive my son to talk to my stbx but he just calls tooo much, when my son dont even want to pick it up sometimes then you know he is calling to much, my son will say ohh its daddy again im not getting it. he was never even a good father, so why all of a sudden does he want to talk to him, and the length of the calls are like 5 seconds. 

I know where your coming from, its hard to set boundries when dealing with arrogant people. hes so arrogant the judge told him to give me the check book so I can start writing the checks for bills and I asked him 3 times and he refused, my lawyer knows and she cant believe how arrogant he is, it was court ordered, these types of people dont care they will find a way to bust your balls.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

I'm not sure you can find a way to be "civil for the kids sakes" with someone that is mentally ill as your wife seems to be.

I'd tell her that all your cell phone communication is saved and she either needs to learn to be responsible with communication or have it turn into a restraining order.

Being in your garage is just spooky.


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