# Emotional Affair Suspected



## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

Hi I have ghost read for a while but this is my first thread.

I suspect my wife of 14years (and 2 kids) is having an EA.

Today I went to facebook and saw my wife had not logged out from her previous session.
Out of curiosity I opened a message from a female friend. She was discussing a facebook friend who it seems was a boyfriend when she was 17. My wife said that they both joke that they would marry each other if ever divorced and said that was unlikely as she loved me and was happy with me and he is also happy in his marriage. In this message my wife said we dont do 'fun things' anymore and that we are very different.Which I suppose is true.

I then clicked on another message from a male friend who I suspect is the ex boyfriend. I did see that they had arranged a phone call between them.

It has to be noted that the ex boyfriend is overseas on another continent.

Generally our relationship is good although my wife never initiates sex and does not speak about her feelings to me. Which has created tension in the past .

I feel I should confront her but know that the way my knowledge came to me will be the basis of a whole new fight if I try initiate a discussion.

Thanks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Yes, do fully confront her as this is unacceptable and needs to be stopped now. There is never to be any contact with him again.

Next, talk with her and try and make the marriage better. Listen to what she has to say and work together to rebuild the marriage.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

...and the fact that I gained my knowledge by going into her messages?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Never reveal your source.

Never have to prove the truth. She knows it already.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

There are no secrets in a marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wideopn Dave (Apr 11, 2013)

I love the way a WS often defaults to "attack" as a first line of defense....the discovery of my STBXW's previous EA (PA??) 6 yrs ago was almost what was described above....cellphone left on the counter, her in the shower and a nagging suspicion in my gut that there was something going on. 

Found the evidence on the phone, confronted her in the shower with it and her first words...??? 

"Why are you going through my phone messages"?????????

Um.....dear, why are you telling another man "Perfect bed weather....need to kiss you til you're hot"


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## angrybuttrying (Jun 17, 2013)

There is nothing wrong with looking at her messages or at her FB posts, etc. My view is that if you wouldn't want your spouse to see what you write, then you shouldn't be writing it. EA's are poison, and often start very slowly. If she is defensive about you reading her posts, then isn't that an indication that she wants to hide something?

You don't need to allow the discussion to escalate, and evolve into an arguement about you "invading her privacy." Takes two to fight, so if she starts going down that path, you don't have to go with her. Simply state you understand her annoyance, etc. but that doesn't change the fact that she appears to be communicating inappropriately to the other party.

Good luck with this!


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

I agree that there are no secrets in marriage. And that it does take two to fight. I know that me bringing up any personal issue will lead to an argument - it always does.

The Question though is that if there are no secrets in marriage how can I refuse to reveal my source?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Are you willing to tell her that she needs to stop doing X or you will file for divorce?

Are you willing to blow up your marriage over this?

The only way it works is to tell her to choose between X and her marriage. 

And once you are willing to do that, it really doesn't matter if you snooped in her facebook.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Because you are determining if your wife is cheating is why you are not being completely open with her.

I think you need to look into this a little deeper.

First get the two books linked to below and read MMSLP.

Also read NOT JUST FRIENDS with your wife.

Can you monitor her texts/messages/emails facebook?

Can you look at phone records to see who she is calling/texting and how much.

Many pe ople make the mistake of confronting too soon and the spouse just goes underground. That makes it more difficult.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

Hicks said:


> Are you willing to tell her that she needs to stop doing X or you will file for divorce?
> 
> Are you willing to blow up your marriage over this?
> 
> ...


I feel that is overkill as she stated she loved me and was happy in our marriage. I feel that a statement like that is escalating and will lead straight to a blow up argument. I am listening and am open to all advice. I just am not certain being heavy handed is the right way. I love her and and not certain throwing the divorce card will get the desired results.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Google how to retrieve deleted facebook chats. If things haven't changed you may be able to recover the messages.

From what she said, your marriage needs work. Do not hesitate to take charge.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Is there more to this than what you put in you first post?


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> Is there more to this than what you put in you first post?


I am not sure what you mean. Please clarify so I can clarify lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

soulseer said:


> I am not sure what you mean. Please clarify so I can clarify lol
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I mean, were you able to see their other messages. How long have they been in contact?

How long is he going to be on another continent? We have had other threads where that did not matter and the marriage was ruined.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Maybe I'm in the minority here but before you confront her you should think about what you want to accomplish. If you want to put your foot down and simply demand she stop talking to this guy you can do that, but since you've said that her not discussing her feelings with you is an issue I think this type of confrontation is going to make that worse. She's told her friend she loves you and is happy with you and it doesn't seem like anything is going on so why not take this golden opportunity to address her concerns? Do something she thinks is fun! That will set up a safe place for her to discuss her feelings, and then you can add that you don't think any good will come from talking with old boyfriends. People that won't discuss feelings sometimes don't feel they have a safe place to do so, and you can start providing one, addressing her concerns, and get rid of old bf all in one fell swoop.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

soulseer said:


> It has to be noted that the ex boyfriend is overseas on another continent.


This is completely irrelevant in an EA. My wife engaged in one that was completely long distance. Didn't matter, she fell in love with him



soulseer said:


> I feel that is overkill as she stated she loved me and was happy in our marriage.


Also irrelevant. I got the same kind kind of statements prior to D-Day and on Confrontation Day. A few days later I got a hand written letter with a laundry list of things that made me a crappy husband followed by the ILYBANILWY speech. Don't be surprised if you get the same. To keep the marriage out of danger or to save it you must confront her on this relationship and end it. You must do it from a position of power, as unemotional as you can, short and simple. In short, all business. Continued X will result in Z


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## NatureDave (Feb 19, 2013)

Amplexor said:


> To keep the marriage out of danger or to save it you must confront her on this relationship and end it. You must do it from a position of power, as unemotional as you can, short and simple. In short, all business. Continued X will result in Z





> Continued X will result in Z


 (repeated for emphasis).

Let me elaborate on this a little. Its about "control" versus "boundaries".

Scenario 1 - you come to your wife telling her you know about corresponding with the old boyfriend and you would like it to stop. You may even say, "if you don't stop, I will be very hurt". 
Guarantee her response will be "Why were you stalking my Facebook? He's just a friend and we've been talking for years! You can't control who I talk to.." 

And she would be right in one point, you are trying to CONTROL her, albeit with good reason. This kind of confrontation ends with her promising not to talk anymore, which is broken time and time again. Or, with more brazen spouses, a refusal to end contact. Nothing accomplished...

Scenario 2 - You come to your wife and say I know you have been corresponding with your old boyfriend, you find this totally inappropriate and unacceptable, and any further contact will result in you initiating the divorce process.

This is not an ultimatum or "controlling", this is YOUR boundary. She can do whatever she pleases, but YOU choose not to live with someone emotionally involved with someone else. You're not trying to change her behavior, you are changing your own. See the difference?

And you have to follow through with the consequences.

You also have to approach this from a position of power. Check her cell phone logs and see if you can tell how much they have been corresponding. Monitor her Facebook, print out their messages.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Was the whole conversation with her friend all about the ex-bf? Has the phone call taken place yet? Check her online cell phone records, see how many times they've text and called. That's where I would start....gathering evidence before confronting! 
Sounds like they've been in contact for a while, with all the "if we divorce" "get married" talk. She's already pointing out your faults to her friend(redflag). Keylogger her computer for passwords to her FB and email accounts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Carlchurchill (Jan 23, 2013)

Do you know her fb and pvt email passwords?

If so, just monitor all messages until there is something more sinister going on. At the moment it sounds very harmless...

This is a good awakening for you to start working on your side of the marriage and try to start doing more 'fun' things together...I dont know what that is...wake boarding, shoe shopping???


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

Carlchurchill said:


> Do you know her fb and pvt email passwords?
> 
> If so, just monitor all messages until there is something more sinister going on. At the moment it sounds very harmless...
> 
> This is a good awakening for you to start working on your side of the marriage and try to start doing more 'fun' things together...I dont know what that is...wake boarding, shoe shopping???


I don't have her passwords. I hear you all.

I work 6 days a week to provide. I am tired and poor. I think fun probably means something that involves either money or energy (I am tired a lot from work) and 'spontaneity'.

I am probably not much fun if I think about it. Somewhere along the way my fun got put on a shelf while trying to cope with with supplying my family with their material needs. It's not as though she is much fun either now that I think about the word 'fun'.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

It boils down to this. She's married and being married she should not be talking to an old BF. The glue that holds a marriage together is trust. Tell her about the text messages and before she goes off, remind her how she would feel if it was you texting an old girlfriend. You know her better than we do. Think she would approve? Think she wouldn't have something to say about it? Think she wouldn't be pissed? All's fair in love and war. This is your wife and right now she's breaking the bonds of trust. If she loves you and she's happy with you, then this guy should not be in the picture.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You could pull one on her. Go to facebook and make it obvious. Tell her you are looking up old girlfriends and women you went to school with. Tell her you know , in case you all get divorced you need a back up plan since she isn't as much fun as she used to be and all.

BTW, is this ex of hers married?


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> You could pull one on her. Go to facebook and make it obvious. Tell her you are looking up old girlfriends and women you went to school with. Tell her you know , in case you all get divorced you need a back up plan since she isn't as much fun as she used to be and all.
> 
> BTW, is this ex of hers married?


Yes I could but that would cross honour boundaries.she is my wife not my enemy.

Yes he is married. Unfortunately I can't see his wifes details on his account due to privacy settings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

If you do nothing about this, nothing will change. She will continue the EA and it will develop into something deeper. A fantasy where all the day to day problems your marriage has does not exist. She will be drawn deeper and deeper until one day you will get the "I need space to figure out what I want" speech.

You seem very good at explaining WHY you can do nothing to change the situation. It is called denial and it almost always will lead to regrets latter.

Good luck.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Key log her pc 
Var her car

Then confront. 
The first two can be done very very quickly. I would not delay. 

Also understand the difference between privacy and secrecy. There is no place for secrecy in a marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

Take a poll here how many people WISH they acted sooner/did more when they had a hunch something was going on.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

get the FB deleted messages first!
oh and save them offsite

NEVER reveal your sources!

Looks like you got this one early. It hurts but compared to otheres here...


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

I am answering questions posed to me and NOT saying I won't do anything to change the situation.

I could keylog our pc with a free version but getting her phone would arouse immediate suspicion.

a VAR is out of my budget unfortunately.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

This is the best keylogger I've come across. It's called Relytec. Free for a week. Very stealthy. You should be able to get passwords easily.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

Tobyboy said:


> This is the best keylogger I've come across. It's called Relytec. Free for a week. Very stealthy. You should be able to get passwords easily.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


thank you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Borrow money from a friend. A VAR is like $50.00. This is how too many A's start my firend. I seen it with my wife and did nothing because I thought nothing was happening and it was all right there in front of me. Get the key logger. Find out what you can.

We have been there and know that gathering enough evidence can end it. If you jump too soon she can wiggle out of it.


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## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

...or buy from a place with a good return policy, use for 14 days and return it....

did i just write that?

must have been someone else


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> Borrow money from a friend. A VAR is like $50.00. This is how too many A's start my firend. I seen it with my wife and did nothing because I thought nothing was happening and it was all right there in front of me. Get the key logger. Find out what you can.
> 
> We have been there and know that gathering enough evidence can end it. If you jump too soon she can wiggle out of it.


I am not from USA. a VAR I priced online available in my country would be roughly a quarter of my winter salary (i am employed in a tourist related industry which has good months and bad months).

if I can arrange something I will.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Check into the legality of the VAR. Also of keyloggers. 

http://www.life123.com/technology/h...de-to-digital-voice-activated-recorders.shtml


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

CASE_Sensitive said:


> ...or buy from a place with a good return policy, use for 14 days and return it....
> 
> did i just write that?
> 
> must have been someone else


LoL good idea. I am in a rural area . I would have to buy online or find $ + time off work and go find one in a city.

thank you all for your suggestions.

I need to process this all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

On the vars. go sony. Trust me on this. I amresident var goon.

Let me tell you a story on what a slippery slope you are on. Sept 2012 i find my wife emailing an ex. She says it was only very recent like a month that they have emailed. In hind sight she was a bit defensive. I read the email. It was basically about what he had done the past few weeks. Boring stuff, most of it mis-spelled. Mostly my thought was half literate inbred hillbilly. 

I did not see any more emails until march 2 2013. 758am. I go to look at weather on wifes comp. her email is up. Email from him to her. Subject line "are mareidge". " Are mareidge" is how stupid half literate hillbillies spell "our marriage"

So I snoop. Find she had been in contact at least before april12 2013. Now the EA part was roughly from jan 2013 so was just ramping up when i shut it down with a him or me ultimatum. She chose me. 

Still SHE LIED in addition to the EA, gave me a week of silent treatment for snooping on her.

My trust is forever shot.

Be careful. Monitor closely. Dont be me.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Can you look at her phone bill? Look at how often and for how long she talks to this guy. Look for frequency/length of calls/texts and times of day.

How would you react if your wife came to you right now and asked for the passwords to your email, facebook, or asked to look at your phone? How would you react if your wife told you she was looking through your email, facebook, or phone? I'm guessing you would not be all-out blazing angry. Maybe a little confused as to why she was asking.

She will be angry if you ask because she knows she is doing something wrong. She is telling her ex-boyfriend that she will be with him if things go wrong in her/his marriage. In other words, she still loves him enough to be with him. Maybe would prefer it except for all the entanglements with you (kids, finances)? Or maybe not?

If you do confront her about it, you tell her you love her and are trying to protect your marriage, not to be controlling but because you don't want to lose her. You can also tell her if you have nothing to hide, why won't you let me look at your stuff?

Probably the best course for you is to gather more info and see the level of contact they have. Don't wait too long, but you should be able to see if you can find anything else within a week or so.

How close proximity is other man to your wife? Does he live within a day's travel?


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