# I have access to everything except cell phone



## inrecovery (Sep 7, 2012)

I would rather be a lurker than a poster on this board. But I do have some concerns. I feel like the last 16 months of my life have been hellish. 

I'm going to try to make this as short as I can since I have three kids that need to be in bed in the next hour. Last year, a couple of weeks before my fifth wedding anniversary, I found out my husband was having an emotional affair. I found out in May of 2011 but months prior, I felt his behavior was a bit off.

We had baby number #3 in October. I felt he was not as warm and as in tune or available to me emotionally as he had been in the past. Baby #3 was a higher risk pregnancy. I felt like he barely touched me. We were both afraid as we had two back to back miscarriages. I felt he was very short with me and I remember he snapped at me some time in August when we were just getting up and I complained of some discomfort. In December, he got me a small gift for Christmas (not unusual, we give each other small gifts) but always a card. I found a card that he could have given to his grandmother (not a lovey dovey one to give a spouse) in a drawer, unsigned. 

Looking back, he got his smart phone in August of 2010. It seemed to go downhill from there. He was always on it. I was clueless. Never owned a smart phone. He always said it was like a mini computer. Just thought he was always looking up sports, reading news, checking email, etc. I would find out months later, he was maintaining regular, if not daily contact with a female co worker. He is in the medical profession and worked with this woman at least 3 times/week. 

My husband works third shift. We always talk on his drive to work, not a long commute. It was routine for him to call me on his way home from work, too. In retrospect, I realize those morning calls stopped for several months. In fact, he would come home a little later than usual, 30 minutes, give or take. Working in a busy hospital, it is not unusual. I was busy with the two older kids and a newborn. On most days I was so tired and sleep deprived that I let it slide without questions. Then I had purposely tried to lose the pregnancy weight and got on a relatively expensive program. The weight came off plus some, I got compliments from everyone but him. In fact, his own mother got on the same program because she saw how well it worked for me.

I sensed a big disconnect around March and got really concerned. His parents are south during the winter and my family lives a couple of hours away. We were alone on an island with no way of getting out or getting help. I finally found a babysitter and we were able to get out a couple of times. Both times his phone would be on the table. Again, due to my lack of experience with smart phones, it was easy for me to buy his story that he wanted to make sure we didn't miss a call from the babysitter if she tried calling. 

In April, I remember him saying that this female co-worker was leaving the hospital to take a new position elsewhere. Same city, just different employer. Again, not really knowing why, I felt a sense of relief. An unspoken sense of relief. Then in May, after a long shift, he came home. His distance and lack of affection was too noticeable for me to ignore. Even though I had plans to go out with the kids that weekend morning, something inside of me told me to stay. 

I had his FB account name and password. Nothing unusual. Regular email, nothing unusual. Then I remember him vaguely saying something about having to set up a gmail account, months prior when he got his HTC phone from Sprint. I found what changed our relationship on that day. Ironically, he uses the same password with his accounts so it wasn't difficult to figure out. I found a handful of emails. Nothing sexual, but definately not the type of regular contact a married man should be having with another woman. By the way, she is our age, early forties, single and no kids. No relationship.

Basically, there was a message from my husband saying that he would "miss her face" during the time he was home for paternity leave. There was one message from her where she said she had gotten a smart phone and said "maybe you can help me set it up" (along those lines). Then there was continuing education class that he attended the day after my birthday (two weeks postpartum). He had told me he was going with co workers and they would car pool together. As it turns out, one of the emails was him thanking her for attending the seminar/class with him and that he enjoyed her company and that they should plan on attending more in the near future. Again, nothing sexual but so hurtful, and disrespectful to hear my husband communicate to a another woman in this way.

I found no more emails, but I believe that due to her getting a smart phone, they no longer felt the need to email as they could easily and more discreetly communicate texting back and forth. I pulled all of his cell phone records. Sprint sucks. Glad I got that out. I could see the number of texts, but not the number he was texting. Before his smart phone, he texted less than 100 per month. After that, it was anywhere between 700-1,100 a month. 

Now, this is where I wish I had known about this board. I probably went about this the wrong way. I woke him out of his sleep (remember, he works nights and was asleep for maybe a couple of hours) and confronted him. It was not pretty. He agreed that he spoke with her too much but nothing was going on. That she was no longer working with him but they kept in touch. 

Now I know my husband. He is always where he says he is. There was no money missing. He gets sick to his stomach to even think about calling in sick, as he is in a leadership position. My gut tells me there was nothing sexual going on yet, but I believe strongly to this day that my intervention kept it from going further.

I will answer your questions as I realize this has gotten much longer than it should have. We did go to MC. I believe he sabotaged that. To this day, he still hold on to his story that nothing happened and nothing was going to happen. That statement angers me. And even though he very often leaves his phone out in the open, if I were to touch it, he would be very uncomfortable. That leaves me very unsettled and even though I want to believe in him, I find it difficult to just "blindly" trust him. He doesn't go out, he doesn't disappear, there is no money missing. This of course, is bits and pieces of our story for the last sixteen months. For lack of time, I will it here until later.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Bite the bullet and check the phone. In fact, do it in front of him. I really hope you do not find anything, but my gut says you will. Let us know how we can help.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Clearly, your husband was in an EA and he should have put all of that energy into you and not the texting and calls with this OW. Despite what your husband may say, he had an affair because he replaced he severed his connection with you and put the effort into the co-worker. You will have to be persistent in questioning him as to whether the affair became physical. At a minimum, you need to have 100% transparency from him - all FB, e-mail accounts plus access to his smart phone. You may have to get into "covert ops", which others will fill you in on, to see if you can determine if his affair 1) went physical and 2) is he still seeing her.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

So what if he gets uncomfortable? Just look anyway. After being unfaithful, EVERYTHING should be open to you, including the cell phone. How are the texts now? Have they gone back down? Stayed the same? Check for any chat apps on the smartphone. There are MANY apps that can be used for that. And they show up in the data, not texting...so you can't tell if he is just using the internet or chatting. Oh, and if he gets uncomfortable, tough. It can take 5 years to "get over it"... So don't let him badger you into just letting it go.


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## inrecovery (Sep 7, 2012)

Again, I feel like being on this board early on after DD would have made me stronger and wiser. 

Within days of DD I researched so much on everything you can imagine. I found out everything I could on emotional affairs. I even copy and pasted links and shared them with my husband. I ordered a CD from New Life Ministries which was 30 minutes long on opposite sex friendships and attachments, the secrecy, and how it leads to full blown affairs. I even order the book "Not just friends", it was so insightful (I didn't tell him about the book). 

I was desperate to share my feelings and pain with someone in those first few weeks but even with his betrayal, I couldn't find myself putting a ding in his armor. I was protecting his reputation at the expense of the slow death I was dealing with. Add to this three kids of varying ages with different needs and no family support readily available. 

I did ask on several occasions that I wanted to see his cell phone bill. But now that I am also a Sprint customer (finally got an Iphone in January), I realize that the bill does not come with a summary of who I have called or texted. I created an online account which does show the numbers I have called but no record of the texts. I have since found out that with Spring, you have to make the request, they send you a form that you must have notarized, mail it back to them before they will release your text records. Prior to Sprint, I had Tmobile which has a detailed account of everything online, both calls and texts. 

Things between my husband and I have improved significantly. We have our bad days. There are days that out of the blue, I'm reminded of some of the things he said and did, even before I discovered the EA. I feel so much anger and wonder how he could be so stupid. How could he not realize that his contact with this woman, even if never sexual, was still very wrong. And even though I have never met her (I know her address, where she works, and her home/cell number, and email). Many times I've had the urge to contact her but realize that it wouldn't have been a good idea. A part of me would want her to answer some of the burning questions that I have. And how I hope, if she is no longer single, that she feels the same insecurity that I have had to deal with anytime she sees her boyfriend/husband use their cell phone and wonder who is on the other side of the connection.


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## sick. (Jul 18, 2012)

Okay, just need to get this out: I hate smart phones, and I hate today's technology... 
If you don't know anything about smartphones (neither did I when my husband got one, but I eventually figured it out),
You can check the history by opening the browser & holding down the back button.... I don't know if that helps....


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

In addition to 100% transparency, he has to go no contact; try to find out if there's anyone to expose the affair to on her side, friends, family, etc. Do you have her name?


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## Shocker (Jul 26, 2012)

You can check everything online if you need too. Texting and calls. I hope you find nothing...I have found that when I've suspected something was wrong...it WAS.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

inrecovery said:


> I would rather be a lurker than a poster on this board. But I do have some concerns. I feel like the last 16 months of my life have been hellish.
> 
> I'm going to try to make this as short as I can since I have three kids that need to be in bed in the next hour. Last year, a couple of weeks before my fifth wedding anniversary, I found out my husband was having an emotional affair. I found out in May of 2011 but months prior, I felt his behavior was a bit off.
> 
> ...


I am conflicted here your story is similar to mine. However mine was only about 3 months. If the stituation is at the 16 month mark then I would say that you probably should have gotten more evidence. Enough about the past. What you need to do now is choose how you want to proceed. 

Option A continue with the aggressive measures and go with your gut. Pick a day he is off work and as soon as you get up take his phone and charger. Here is a neat trick if he has a phone with an unlock pattern. Get near some light and angle the face of the phone so there is some glare on the screen. Right there before your eyes will be a trail of oil left by his hand when he uses the unlock pattern. Trace the oil in the direction it appears to be smeared and you should get in just fine. 
If he is using an access code simply make him give it to you. Tell him that if he will not give you the code he needs to leave the house, Tell him if you attempt to take it from me then he needs to leave the house. Tell him you want any an all email accounts and passwords. Tell him he is not 100 transparent that he needs to leave or you will leave with the kids. 
Tell him if he attempts to remotely wipe the phone that you will be visiting a lawyer.

If he gives you the line " nothing happend why are you doing this?" Simply say " That's great I need to see it for myself and this is how you are going to do it. If you are hiding something from me then you are cheating and since you can't come clean then I guess our marriage is over."

Then you be prepared to face down your H with the tenacity of a wolverine. Don't back down don't compromise don't hear him out. His reaction will be enough to tell you that something is up. The more desperate he gets the more you stand your ground. He will likely say or do anything at this point but if you stonewall him he will have not choice to unlock the phone. 

Option B Go dark and pretend to rug sweep and tell him that you don't like this friend. Then go the spyware route and see what you get.

option A will be a big emotional mess and you need to understand that the severity of the what is is hiding is probably proportionate to the severity of his desperation. So the more he freaks out the more you need to hold your ground. Be prepared for the sweaty nothing is going i know you are stressed. Have i ever done anything to show you I am unfaithful. You will likely see all 50 shades of Grey come out of your husband (yes I went there). Option A puts a lot more stress on your H. It will be emotionally taxing for you but, You won't have to wait around hoping your H will slip up. It will also make it harder for your H to continue the A post DDAy. 

OPtion B is much more passive but puts a lot of stress on you. You will be sitting around waiting for a few snippets here and there and eventually you will find what you are looking for. However it won't prevent the A from continuing or going from an EA to a PA. 

Either way you go I wouldn't waste your time trying to save your marriage. Until the OW is completely out of your marriage, it is compromised. The whole goal is to ruin the fantasy that this OW is the perfect woman and there is not drama around her.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You could also take a couple of days to try plan c. Give him the book (not just friends), tell him to read it, that it is important to you that he does. See what happens.

His reaction to that should be telling, might lead you to a conclusion if option a or b is necessary, and which is appropriate.

I'm curious why you didn't show him the book. You are surprised he doesn't see the inappropriateness of the relationship, but didn't think it would be a good idea to show him the bible of inappropriate relationships?


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## constant_ache (Jul 10, 2011)

Here is what I found in regards to Sprint and their ridiculous policy for not giving you a detailed activity list of text msg's-

*You can request a past history of text msgs:*

Just to clarify the procedure for requesting text message records, I'd like to post the details on the process.

Customer care submits a request to have the form sent within 7-10 days for you to fill out and get notarized. Once we receive the form, we send out the previous 90 days of text message history within 7-10 days.

*There's an app for that:*


There are a couple other options that you could use to view SMS history online. There are a few apps that will back up this information such as SMS Backup (Gmail) or Backup to Gmail. Both of those apps will upload the text messages to the assigned Gmail account. Another option is to integrate your Sprint service with a Google Voice account at http://voice.google.com. Once integrated, all SMS will be saved to the Google Voice account to which your Sprint account is integrated. Sorry that this has not been implemented on our website. I hope this info helps!

And I think if he has an android phone, you can install a keylogger and have the results emailed to your email.

What exact phone/model does he have?


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## constant_ache (Jul 10, 2011)

I'd at least go with a keylogger, if you can. The only reason not is, if you don't want to find out the truth. Some of us are that deep in denial. If that's the case, remember, the truth comes when you're ready or not, so it's best to be prepared.


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## inrecovery (Sep 7, 2012)

constant_ache said:


> Here is what I found in regards to Sprint and their ridiculous policy for not giving you a detailed activity list of text msg's-
> 
> *You can request a past history of text msgs:*
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## inrecovery (Sep 7, 2012)

Thank you for the responses. He has a htc EVO 4G. He also has a gmail account which I have access to and is the email connected to his phone. If someone could walk me through finding information that way. He recently changed the password on his phone. It's no longer a number but some kind of swiping code and I'm pretty I have it figured out. He has unlocked his phone with me right there. A year ago, not so much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## constant_ache (Jul 10, 2011)

inrecovery said:


> Thank you for the responses. He has a htc EVO 4G. He also has a gmail account which I have access to and is the email connected to his phone. If someone could walk me through finding information that way. He recently changed the password on his phone. It's no longer a number but some kind of swiping code and I'm pretty I have it figured out. He has unlocked his phone with me right there. A year ago, not so much.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't think there is much you can do with just his email, as far as viewing the numbers he's text msg'g. Not without that app.

I don't believe you're going to be able to do much without having a password to unlock his phone. Maybe someone else knows another way.

If I were in your shoes, I'd play the good not-nagging unsuspecting wife (how these people take advantage of our trust!) and just say you'd feel more comfortable if he unlocked his phone. Do whatever you gotta to do to have him unlock his phone, then when he's sleeping, install a keylogger. 
From what I understand, *he'll have no idea* it's installed and you can monitor anything he types.

These two links will give you some insight into android keyloggers:

Android Keylogger - Invisible Keylogger for Android to Monitor Kids

Android Keylogger App | 2012 BEST Android Keylogger App


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

inrecovery said:


> He recently changed the password on his phone. It's no longer a number but some kind of swiping code and I'm pretty I have it figured out.


 You should not have to figure it out. In light of the situation, he needs to completely be open with you to earn back your trust. The fact that he is locking the phone is proof enough that there is something going on.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

TRy said:


> You should not have to figure it out. In light of the situation, he needs to completely be open with you to earn back your trust. *The fact that he is locking the phone is proof enough that there is something going on.*


I agree that he should give her unlock without hesitation.

I have seen this statement that locking the phone equals huge red flag. It doesn't necessarily have to be to anyone who have tried to loose a smartphone with no lock (yes, I did, included private texts between my wife and I just post-DD and included some.... hmmm... pics I wouldn't share with anyone but my wife from hyperbonding phace).

i always keep my phone locked,but of course my wife and also my kids know how to unlock it.

Just saying.


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