# Can I be happy in a Sexless Marriage?



## 55Kerolin (Jul 7, 2010)

Hi all, 
I have been married for close to 33years. I dearly love my husband. In all those years, hubby and I have never had what I call great sex. Hubby has never had a real high sex drive, I thought it might have been me, I carried some excess weight for many years and just thought I was not sexually attractive. Five years ago, I lost all the excess weight and discovered more of my feminity and sexuality and of course wanted to be more sexual & intime with hubby. It was a no go! For about 2 years prior to my losing the weight, we virtually had no sex at all. My initiation and sexual interest put pressure on him and he became impotent. It was a really hard 2 years with no sex and me not able to initiate any advances at all for fear of making things worse. When things did not pick up sexually after my weight loss, I told him I wished us to see a marriage counsellor who specialised in sex therapy issues/matters. We went along to counselling for about 12 months and discovered many wonderful things that helped hubby get past the feelings of pressure and we were able to become very close, intimate and sexual. I was in heaven and thought I now had the perfect marriage and we were well on our way. We bought books, read the books religiously, made special intimate times to be together, date nights, went to intimacy workshops, more counselling and worked on our marriage, relationship and sexuality daily. Then slowly it all stopped, he was tired and the no interest started all over again. Of course I tried to discuss the who, what, where and why, but this did not help matters. He says he wants to get back to where we were, but does not know how to get there. I have suggested we start reading again and suggested we go back to counselling. I have been going to counselling on my own for a very separate matter relating to refurfacing childhood trauma. This counsellor also does couples counselling. At home I have been very careful to not add the pressure in wanting, driving or initiating any sexual advances. I encouraged him to come to a counselling session & asked if he minded if we discussed our current situation. He agreed. He stated he wants sex and intimacy and states he thinks about it, but just does not follow it through? The counsellor has now suggested I should ask for sex when I want it??? Because I have taken a back seat and held back from initiatingw hubby now feels ALL the pressure is on him to initiate any intimacy or sex, because I have pulled back and not wanted to put any pressure on him. Not to mention I would like to feel wanted and needed sexually. I can’t tell you how angry I feel about this. It was my wanting, driving, initiating that created a 2 year period of impotency some years back *SIGH* He shows no interest or initiation to want sex and the counsellor and him want me to ask for sex when I want it? What for? So he can say no? Tell me he is tired? Or not tonight? For the past 3 months or more, I have cuddled if he has wanted to, I have not pulled back, I have not been cold and unavailable. I waited and hoped almost nightly that he might be interested in being intimate or sexual, only to find myself falling asleep frustrated, hurt and feeling unwanted. I have now gotten to the stage of accepting I will live in a Sexless Marriage, many others do. I told myself years ago I would NEVER live in a sexless marriage, but here I am making those plans and accepting this is how it is and how it has almost been for the past 33 years anyway. I feel so very sad. Yesterday I told hubby, I won’t be asking for sex and no longer wish to pursue us to remedy our sex life. I told him I am accepting we will have a sexless marriage. He can’t believe this is all over that he and the counsellor asked me to ask for sex if I want it. My argument is, WHY would I ask IF you have shown no interest at all for months and years? Why would I ask if you have no interest? His answer was "When the last time you asked me and I said no?" I replied with you have shown no interest for months/years apart from the great spell we had. How is my asking going to help anything? Except maybe add further pressure? I am totally confused, hurt and now depressed. Since making the decision to no longer pursue sex/intimacy in our relationship, I feel like something has really died in me. The giving up has killed hope. I am sure I will work through this moment of depression and hope we will be able to pick up our normal friendship in our relationship and go about planning a future together (without sex)


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Does he masturbate?

Is he gay?

Has he been to a medical doctor?

I can't believe you stayed all that time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

I don't understand why you won't just initiate having sex with him. Both he and the counselor have suggested it, so why won't you do it? What makes you angry about it - is it that you feel it will cause him to be impotent again? Things change, people change - men change, especially as they get older.

You said he never had high desire before, that probably means he had lower levels of testosterone even when he was younger. These levels continue to decrease as men get older - so maybe he is really low now. He may just need more help to get going. He may need you to do things to get him going - thus the need for you to initiate. He may need to feel you desire him for awhile. 

Marriage is a two way street - and sexual relationships are complicated and are affected by so many things, including hormone levels, how we feel about ourselves, and how we feel about our spouses. Don't give up - the fact that he is upset about you saying it is over tells that he is not happy about this situation either. Sometimes our bodies do not cooperate when we want it too. Maybe that is what is happening to your husband and he is just as frustrated about it as you are. 

Don't give up, put your anger aside and work with your husband to find solutions to this issue. Life is too short!!!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

55Kerolin

I am the male analog of you; similar age and time married. It was pushing a big rock up a slippery hill for 13 years. Unless I did 100% of the work before and during it didn't happen & at that she refused 95% of the time. 18 years ago she said she was done, never again end of discussion. I don't think you can fix people who are intentionally cruel. They are lazy and they are selfish and the only thing that is your fault is that you chose them in the 1st place.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

how about your responsibility for staying . by staying you agree to a sexless marriage
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## steak (May 6, 2011)

Most women would rather have a sexless marriage. You're lucky.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

steak please stop talking about things you know nothing about ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tranquility (Mar 13, 2011)

Hi Kerolin ... I just had to respond to this post as I'm in exactly the same boat as you. My H and I've been married for 28 years and throughout our marriage we've always only had sex 4 - 5 times/year. I've never refused him - ever - and technically he's never rejected me either, at least not directly. But isn't a lack of initiation the same as rejection?? I've never felt desired or wanted by my H ... we've never flirted or had that kind of intimate relationship that I'm so craving. He says he loves me and I do believe it, but my needs have not been met for so long.

We're now in MC and at our third session I told him the same thing you did ... sex is done. I'm so resentful and bitter now over all the lost years that I don't even want sex anymore ... in fact the thought of it now almost sends me into a panic. He had nothing to say .. probably felt relieved.

I won't leave my marriage at this point ... 50 is just too damn old to start over and I'm comfortable in my life. We share the household chores, he goes off on his motorcycle and I'm grateful to stay home alone when I have the chance. So I can relate 100% to what you're going through. My counselor said I'm grieving for my sex life and therefore will go through all the same stages ... I'm waiting for the acceptance stage.

Best of luck to you.


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## 55Kerolin (Jul 7, 2010)

ClipClop said:


> Does he masturbate?
> 
> Is he gay?
> 
> ...


No he is not Gay

He has not seen a medical doctor

I stayed because I love my husband, I made a committment to marriage and to work at it. I have done this consitently for the past 33 years


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## 55Kerolin (Jul 7, 2010)

mary35 said:


> I don't understand why you won't just initiate having sex with him. Both he and the counselor have suggested it, so why won't you do it? What makes you angry about it - is it that you feel it will cause him to be impotent again? Things change, people change - men change, especially as they get older. What makes me angry is the effort is yet again put on me to make it work and be responsible for our sex life. I am tired of being responsible and having to be the initiator
> You said he never had high desire before, that probably means he had lower levels of testosterone even when he was younger. These levels continue to decrease as men get older - so maybe he is really low now. He may just need more help to get going. He may need you to do things to get him going - thus the need for you to initiate. He may need to feel you desire him for awhile. How about I need to feel desired in this relationship as well? You could well be right about his testosterone levels and I feel for him if this is the case. However he is a Grown Man with a brain and can follow these things through, he does not need me to take him to a doctor to find this out. I would happily listen and understand if this is the case. Marriage is a two way street - and sexual relationships are complicated and are affected by so many things, including hormone levels, how we feel about ourselves, and how we feel about our spouses. I think alot of this is how he feels about himself, even he has admitted that. Again he is a grown man and also has responsibility in this marriage and relationship. He could find the passion, energy and drive to look into how he might change some of these things JUST MAYBE? I have constantly worked on this marraige and fullfilled my part of the marriage aggreement. Don't give up - the fact that he is upset about you saying it is over tells that he is not happy about this situation either. He certainly is not happy about the current sitaution. He has asked me to keep the door open for occassional sex, just in case the feeling passes by him. I personally need closeness and intimacy to have sex. We are still discussing the how and what we will do around this matter. I just don't want to be living with hope and end up despondent each night. Sometimes our bodies do not cooperate when we want it too. Maybe that is what is happening to your husband and he is just as frustrated about it as you are. You are right, he is frustrated about our situation and probably as much as I am. But I need to count in this marraige and our sex life. It can't be all about him and how things are for him. Please don't misunderstand me, I care deeply for my husband, his anxiety, his self esteem issues etc. But I have to matter in here somewhere also. I cannot keep driving this, I am exhausted. Don't give up, put your anger aside and work with your husband to find solutions to this issue. Life is too short!!!


 I will work with him, if he shows some initiative to work through the problems. But I will not be the initiator for counselling, or sex. I also need to feel needed, wanted and desired. let's don't make this all about poor hubby.


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## 55Kerolin (Jul 7, 2010)

tranquility said:


> Hi Kerolin ... I just had to respond to this post as I'm in exactly the same boat as you. My H and I've been married for 28 years and throughout our marriage we've always only had sex 4 - 5 times/year. I've never refused him - ever - and technically he's never rejected me either, at least not directly. But isn't a lack of initiation the same as rejection?? YAY someone who understands me. YES it is the same as a rejection. I've never felt desired or wanted by my H ... we've never flirted or had that kind of intimate relationship that I'm so craving. He says he loves me and I do believe it, but my needs have not been met for so long. I feel for you and am sorry you have had to endure such hurt, because it does hurt. Strange thing is my hubby will flirt sexually with me in public, in front of company and friends, to give an illusion we do not have any sexual issues. He plays well, I often wish he would just follow it through when we get home. Friends and family are envious of what they *think* we have. We're now in MC and at our third session I told him the same thing you did ... sex is done. I'm so resentful and bitter now over all the lost years that I don't even want sex anymore ... in fact the thought of it now almost sends me into a panic. He had nothing to say .. probably felt relieved. Hubby said he was a tad relieved when we discussed it, but is now feeling guilty for not following through the many times he promised he would fix things. He is sad about the reality of where we are at. I won't leave my marriage at this point ... 50 is just too damn old to start over and I'm comfortable in my life. We share the household chores, he goes off on his motorcycle and I'm grateful to stay home alone when I have the chance. So I can relate 100% to what you're going through. My counselor said I'm grieving for my sex life and therefore will go through all the same stages ... I'm waiting for the acceptance stage. *SIGH* WoW I guess I can relate to that, is anger the first stage? LOL. I seriously care about hubby's situation, but I can no longer live my marraige with it all on hold and about him. It will be anyway, if the no sex goes ahead, but somehow I think he is wanting to make another promise of trying to fix things. He is struggling with the reality of where we are. he said he was living in the delusion somehow magically it would all sort itself out. I said well it hasn't in 33 years, so what is going to magically be different this time? If he finds out it is a testosterone problem, I will be more understanding and will leave him alone, I will still be sad that I have a sexless marraige all the same.Best of luck to you.


 Thankyou and you with finding the acceptance stage


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## 55Kerolin (Jul 7, 2010)

ClipClop said:


> how about your responsibility for staying . by staying you agree to a sexless marriage
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I take full responsibilty for staying and being committed to my marraige. I take full responsibilty for trying to make it work and hold no shame in that. I take full responsibility for initiating the many fixes over the years and am pleased I tried everything I could to remedy the situation. I am not sure my husband could be as proud? I am sad about my situation, I wanted a healthy sexual relationship in my marriage. I am tired and exhausted from trying and being responsible for it. I know marraige is a 2 way street, I believe I have been as committed as I can. I have done all I can. The problem is ours. The fix is now his. I'm tired and exhausted.


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## 55Kerolin (Jul 7, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> 55Kerolin
> 
> I am the male analog of you; similar age and time married. It was pushing a big rock up a slippery hill for 13 years. Unless I did 100% of the work before and during it didn't happen & at that she refused 95% of the time. 18 years ago she said she was done, never again end of discussion. I don't think you can fix people who are intentionally cruel. They are lazy and they are selfish and the only thing that is your fault is that you chose them in the 1st place.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't believe he is intentionally cruel. Possibly lazy and lacks passion and drive to go about fixing things. It's easier to sit back and day dream and wish and hope for a magical cure. And of course to let me initiate that for him. Yes I chose him, I married him and am committed to staying married. I will just be unhappy, unfullfilled and unsatisfied that's all.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

steak said:


> Most women would rather have a sexless marriage. You're lucky.


Ummmmm not THIS one!

:scratchhead:


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## heartbroken1957 (Apr 8, 2011)

I'm with JustaGirl. I bet if you took a poll you would find a very small percent of women who don't want sex. IT FEELS GREAT. Well better than that. But really if a woman is treated to foreplay the same as a man, she will be instant on too. Men get foreplay through looking, being looked at, suttle touches, your voice, your tone, general flirts. All these things are foreplay to a woman too. 

Steak, tell us the truth. Is your woman, "Instant ON"


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## heartbroken1957 (Apr 8, 2011)

I am going to watch your post Kerolin. I'm in that boat with the rest of the women here. 


And they say a womans sex drive peaks at 40. Ha


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I fail to see the difference between negligent indifference and cruelty. It's like a child poking you in the eye and saying "you didn't say DON'T poke you in the eye....."


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

My wife is not an "initiator" and like you it use to bother me to no end. This occurred for years until one day it came out that she simply did not feel comfortable being the initiator. A light bulb turned on and I realized that this was actually a benefit to me. Ok, you want me to initiate...fine...I'll initiate tonight, tomorrow night, the next night...you get the idea. Instead of seeing it as a rejection, I discovered it to be a great tool.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

BigToe said:


> My wife is not an "initiator" and like you it use to bother me to no end. This occurred for years until one day it came out that she simply did not feel comfortable being the initiator. A light bulb turned on and I realized that this was actually a benefit to me. Ok, you want me to initiate...fine...I'll initiate tonight, tomorrow night, the next night...you get the idea. Instead of seeing it as a rejection, I discovered it to be a great tool.


Her husband is different because in the past he stopped wanting sex at all and felt pressured. As a woman i thinks it's worse when men won't initiate and to add insult to injury then he can't/ won't do it at all.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Runs like Dog said:


> I fail to see the difference between negligent indifference and cruelty. It's like a child poking you in the eye and saying "you didn't say DON'T poke you in the eye....."


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

55Kerolin -

I so know how you feel. I am in the same boat. Married almost 14 years. Haven't had sex in months. Every time i initiate sex i get a NO i am not in the mood. As of right now, the relationship My h and I have is very strained, I don't feel the same about him as I did 3 short years ago because of it. He has pushed me away. I don't know if we can ever be repaired. He is just not willing to meet me in the middle. Everything is falling apart rather quickly in. My h is very resistant on everything. I have totally given up. I don't really know where to go from here.


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