# Hurt Soul's Journal... Please Help TAM!!



## Hurt Soul (Feb 28, 2013)

Now my story may not seem all that difficult compared to a lot of stories on here but for me it has been really devastating. This also may be long winded but I want everyone to understand where I am coming from.

I have never been what some would consider an affectionate person. I was raised by old european style parents where everything is about work. Never really got much affection from anyone in my family and really never got any compliments or "I'm proud of you". Can't ever really remember my parents ever being affectionate towards one another either. My parents relationship became physically abusive when I was 12-14. To the point where I was having to defend my mother against my father. Also both of them are alcholics. My mom filed for a divorce when I was 14. From that time until I was about 22 I had absolutley no relationship with my father. All I heard everyday was how big of a piece of S*** my father was. Now after the divorce my father got absolutely nothing. And when I say nothing I mean nothing. He lived out of a motel for a long time. 

Now when I started to develope some resemblance of a relationship with my father again, I started to understand there was definitely two side of the story. Not that it was ok for hime to be physical but what his frustrations were. This really made me resent my mother. I guess you could say I really put a wall up and told myself I would never be in that type of situation. I have been able to build a fairly succesful career but my relationships with the opposite sex have not materialized. Since I was young the only thing I can remeber is that I wanted to be able to build a life where I am able to be a supportive person in a family (i.e. not a workaholic but be financially stable enough not to have to live paycheck to paycheck).


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## Hurt Soul (Feb 28, 2013)

Now to my current situation. I will be 32 later this month and my significant other will be turning 25 this year. We would have been together 3 years this month.

When we first started dating her father had just passed away 3 months earlier. She obviously took this hard. Things were awesome at first. We really had a great time together. I was affectionate and really just the perfect BF. 4-5 months into our relationship my father passed away. This was extremely difficult for me. And I don't if it was at this time or little afterward I started acting cold. I wasn't as affectionate and if she did something that I didn't like rather than just speak to her about it I would resent her and ignore her. I wasn't always like this but enough for it to make her hurt. As things progressed there were obviously good and bad times. A little over a year into our relationship we went on a cruise together and had a good time. Approximately a month after we got back from the cruise she cheated on me.

I was really upset. She explained to me that she wasn't happy and that she felt like I was just waiting for something better or for me just to end it. Now normally I would have just told her to kick rocks and get out of sight but I took a look in the mirrior and said I really do love thid girl and I am going to try to make this work. Looking back it was a huge mistake. The mistake wasn't trying to work things out but not really addressing the issue. 

I should explain that I am not really into the whole social media. I don't have a facebook, etc. My SO can not be any different. She can't be without her phone for more than 5 seconds. I asked her if she would delete her facebook and she explained that it was really just to keep in touch with her family. I thought about it more and not trying to be controlling I agreed. After all if she really wanted to that stuff is really easy to keep from someone.

So we continued in our relationship and things were ok. But I continued my old behavior of being cold and not communicating. The other wrench in our relationship is that she loves her job. Considers her job and people she works with like family. She would anything for the majority of them. She also works graveyard and I work 8-5.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

No kids. No marriage. Move on. Get Counseling.

Don't let her blame you for HER cheating. 

Work on your issues thru counseling for your next relationship.


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## Hurt Soul (Feb 28, 2013)

Sorry I am getting there.

Approximately 6 months ago we purchased a home together. Split the down payment and the morgage 50/50. I already had a home I was purchasing but I new she never really felt like it was ours. So I rented it out. 

Over the next couple of months we struggled to make it the way we wanted. much larger house and neither of us really had the money to make it the way we wanted. In the mean time I continued to act cold and not give her the affection she wanted, resentment, etc. 

In early December she says that there is a work party that one of her co-workers is throwing and she wants a GNO. So she goes and apparently has a great time. The following Friday there is another Christmas party just for people within her own division. At first I say I am not going to go because she has this co-worker friend that I have told her I refuse to be around because she was with my SO when she cheated on me. And I never thought she had our relationships best interest in mind. Any ways I go, but I am a complete a-hole. Pretty much ruin the fun for everybody. 

The next night is another Christmas party but this is more of a community event and I say I am not going to go because of her co-worker friend going. She is supposed to be home that same night but I don't hear from her at all. No reply to text or voicemails. I finally hear from her the next morning and she says that she is going to breakfast with her friends and that she will be home afterward. The afternoon goes by and nothing. No return text no nothing. I am having a panick attack.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Sounds like she has emotionally detached and you are leading opposite lives. 

How did you find out about the cheating? Who was it with (co-worker?) and for how long? What was done to stop it and reconnect?


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## Hurt Soul (Feb 28, 2013)

I don't hear from her until Monday morning. She says she will be home this afternoon. Still a little freaked out at this point I text her and ask her if she still loves me. She replies "I'm trying". I said I know I make it hard to love me sometimes but please don't give up on me. She replies hard is an understatement. 

When I get home that afternoon she lets me have it. I need time to think about if this (our relationship) is what I want she says. She says she hasn't been happy for a long time. She loves me but not in love with me. She says, I don't care about her family and don't really care about my own. She says I don't like her friends. I am freaking out. Pretty much groveling. 

Anyway she leaves and goes and stays with her mom. I am in shambles. Have no clue what to do. I talk with my family and there like just give her space. I speak to her mom and she says that she is hurt but that there is hope. She says don't avoid or ignore her (That's what I was doing). All her family is super supportive of me and to not give up hope. Her sister is even telling me how my SO is talking about how we need to do this and that to the house.

Christmas Eve comes around and my SO invites me over to her family's for dinner. I'm thinking ok she is willing to give it a try and I better pull my head out. Dinner goes well and she has to leave early to got to work. I walk her to her car and she gives me a big hug. I tell her she feels good. She says ya gives me a kiss and says we will talk later. Still have never had this talk!!


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## Hurt Soul (Feb 28, 2013)

So like I said. I pull my **** together. I start going to IC and I am showing her more affection. I tell her how much I love her, how beautiful she is, etc. Everytime one of us leaves the other we tell each other I love you and kiss.

New years comes around and she had already made plans to go out with her friends. She goes out and once again is gone for 2 days. I text her at midnight "Happy New Year babe. I love you". No response.

I get a text from her the following night saying she has been drinking and she is staying at a friends. I say ok (what choice do I have). She says she is sorry and that she is a mess. 

For the next couple of months I really try hard to show her that I have changed. But she is now very cold towards me. Really wants nothing to do with me at all. This hurts so bad. I cry myself to sleep most night when she is at work. I continue to talk to her mom and she says she doesn't know what is going on with her but to keep on doing what I am doing.


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## Hurt Soul (Feb 28, 2013)

She continues to go out with her new friends, who happen to be co-workers, for nights at a time and not come home. I don't say anything and just keep on doing what I am doing. 

Now it's Valentines Day. She has to work on Thursday so I make plans for us on Saturday. reservations at a really nice restaraunt, watch the sunset, some wine etc. So we get to where we are going to watch the sunset, I open the bottle of wine and things are good. I tell her listen I know how bad I have hurt you in the past and if I could go back and undo it all I would but I can't. I tell her she means the world to me and that I want nothing more than to build a life together. I say I really just hope you can forgive me. She say I'm trying. She says she feels like she is emotionally detached.


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

Stop being a doormat. Do as was suggested above. Leave, fix yourself, and commence living.


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## Hurt Soul (Feb 28, 2013)

The following day (Sunday) she tells me she has to go pick up a co-worker from the airport and that she is just going to go to work from there. (At this point she is working on something that requires her to stay overnight) 

I know Monday is a holiday but I don't really think much of it. I then find out that she does not in fact have to work on Monday. Freak Out!! So I know she lied to me. Not only that but a hear from a couple of other people she may be seeing someone else. More Freak Out!!

I really dont see or speak to her much the rest of the week due to our schedules. I am so depressed and scared I can barily breathe. I can She gets Friday and I plan to speak to her about what is going on. Friday comes around and we go to dinner with her family and everything seems good. We go to bed and cuddle and I can't bring myself to talk to her about it. Saturday goes by as well. Sunday morning comes and I won't go into details but I finally get up the nerve to speak to her about it.

I start by saying "I want you to know that you mean the world to me and I want nothing more than for us to build a future together, for you to be wife and for us to start a family". Then I say "with that being said do you love me?". She takes a while to answer but says she hates to use a cliche but thay she ILYBNILWY. I say ok well are you willing to work on our relationship. She says she can't really force something thats not there. She continures that we have nothing in common, that she feels like she has to force conversation, etc. She says she doesn't think she will ever love me like that again. I say you think? She says I know.

I asked her about lying and seeing someone else. She admitted to lying but says that the person is just a friend.


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## Hurt Soul (Feb 28, 2013)

So I threw some stuff on and started to leave. The last thing she says is "please do not contact my family, they already hate me for what is going on".

She texted me that afternoon, that she had made some food and if she left some for me if I would eat it. I said yup and thanks.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

You sound like a typical nice guy. In all your efforts to be affectionate and letting her walk all over you you've lost her respect and hence her attraction to you has dwindled. Also instead of standing up for yourself you held things in and she could feel that resentment you allowed to fester inside you. 

Do like others have said here. Work on yourself. Whatever you do don't grovel, beg and plead with her. There is nothing more unattractive then that in a man. Don't tell her over and over how much she means to you and how much you love her. You have to make her want you and chase you. To do that you need to work on yourself. 

Read up on 'No more Mr Nice Guy' and see if you fit that mold. Look up the '180'. Seek counseling. Workout and take care of yourself. Forget her. If you change she will notice, but your goal should be making yourself happy not pleasing her.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

NoWhere is right and has been thru exactly what you are going thru. No way to "nice" her back into your life. She has lost respect for you and will not be convinced by you to come back. 

Remember...this is not your fault. 

She says don't expose...I say do it. She may get pi$$ed but she will respect you for it. Find out who the guy is and expose him also.


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## Hurt Soul (Feb 28, 2013)

I think what hurts the worst is that she didn't even want to work on things. After 3 years together (which i know compared to a lot of stories on here is not a long time) just ready to give up on what we built together. 

Here is a person who for the last few months was talking about future plans of ours together and telling me I love you.

I have been staying somewhere else with a friend. I have only stopped by the house to get some mail. It just hurts to bad to be there. There is pictures of us together all over the place and just the house itself is a constant reminder.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

You must detach to make the pain go away. That's where the 180 comes into play. Believe me....and I mean believe me Limbo is not a place where you want to live. Let her go. Work on YOU!


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## Hurt Soul (Feb 28, 2013)

Thanks for the advice everyone. I have been NC for almost 2 weeks. The last text I got from her asked "How are you". I completely ignored it. Although I know I am going NC and doing a 180 I still want her to text me. It hurts me to think that she doesn't think about me at all.

Anyways I need some more advice. As I explained earlier, i have been staying with my cousin this entire time while she has been staying at our house. We continue to split the morgage.

This can obviously not continue as I refuse to pay for a home that I am not staying at. Neither of us can afford the house on our own. So really the only solution is to sell.

The questions is after almost 2 weeks of ablosutely no communcation how do I bring it up to her that we need to talk about what to do with the house?


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Do not pay her to cheat on you. Stop paying half the mortgage. When you do, she'll want to talk. Are you married to her?


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## Hurt Soul (Feb 28, 2013)

If I stop paying then the morgage will not get payed and it will hurt my credit.

No we are not married.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

So! You are not gonna get out of this unscathed. She may worry about her credit as much as you. The world doesn't end with a bad credit score. She will freak the first time anyway. Stop paying when she freaks then work out a plan. Do not contact her she'll come calling.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Read the book No More Mr. Nice Guy


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## Hurt Soul (Feb 28, 2013)

Why should I have to suffer for something that is not my doing?

And I have been reading No More Mr. Nive Guy and a lot of that stuff fits.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Because life ain't fair. Don't be a victim. This is your situation here and now. Five years from now you will look back and laugh about it.


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## Hurt Soul (Feb 28, 2013)

I guess I'm not sure how I am being a victim by addressing the issue like an adult. It's not like I have been paying half the morgage for multiple months without living there.

Can you help me understand?


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Hurt Soul said:


> *Why should I have to suffer for something that is not my doing?*
> 
> And I have been reading No More Mr. Nive Guy and a lot of that stuff fits.



What victims say


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Look you can do this but nobody says it's easy. I know the pain you are in. I am living it. This may or may not afffect your credit. You do not know that yet for sure. It will take like three missed payments for that to happen. It probably will not get that far. 

Don't pay for the house you are not living in. You aren't married, you don't have kids living there. 

Don't call her. She will call you. You stay cool calm and dispassionate. I am not ok paying for a house I don't live in. Save that money. Do not spend it.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Hurt Soul said:


> So I threw some stuff on and started to leave. The last thing she says is "please do not contact my family, they already hate me for what is going on".
> 
> She texted me that afternoon, that she had made some food and if she left some for me if I would eat it. I said yup and thanks.


Expose her to everyone both of you know


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## Hurt Soul (Feb 28, 2013)

Having a few really bad days lately.

Update:
Long story short we talked and the house went on the market this last Monday. We have essentially no contact except to discuss bills and the house. I'm talking a handfull of text messages and a couple of brief in person encounters. I really can't believe how checked out she has been. 

Anyway's, right about the time I left we were in the middle of some remodeling of the house (painting, lighting, etc.). Well since the house is for sale she is having to complete the remodeling. My thought on this is we are in this situation because of a decision she made on her own so she should have to deal with the consequences. 

I get a text from her last night that says "I need you to come over and turn the sprinklers back on. I NEED YOU TO HELP ME if you plan on collecting half of this money". By half this money she means whatever we make off of selling the house. 

Not really sure how to respond/react. I wish she would just leave me alone.


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## LostOneForGood (Jun 4, 2012)

HS,

Man, I just did the whole thing with the house. Ours just sold and now she has to come up with most of everything because I had too take all the debt.. She was crying constantly about having to keep the house clean for showing, doing yardwork, etc.. I said "Well If I remember correctly, there was a really awesome dude that took care of everyhting for you.. What happened to him??? Oh Yeah, you Cheated on him and then blamed him for everything!!! " Take care of your house, I dont live there... 

My advice, let her do her own thing, if you dont live there, let her be on her own.. Amazing how they dont want you around in their fog, until it lifts briefly and reality smacked them right in the jaw!!!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Hurt Soul said:


> Having a few really bad days lately.
> 
> Update:
> Long story short we talked and the house went on the market this last Monday. We have essentially no contact except to discuss bills and the house. I'm talking a handfull of text messages and a couple of brief in person encounters. I really can't believe how checked out she has been.
> ...


Ignore her

There's no possible way she can keep 1/2 the money from you.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

*Re: Re: Hurt Soul's Journal... Please Help TAM!!*



Conrad said:


> Ignore her
> 
> There's no possible way she can keep 1/2 the money from you.


The things they think they can do.


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## hank_rea (Mar 13, 2013)

Hurt Soul said:


> Thanks for the advice everyone. I have been NC for almost 2 weeks. The last text I got from her asked "How are you". I completely ignored it. Although I know I am going NC and doing a 180 I still want her to text me. It hurts me to think that she doesn't think about me at all.


I know this feeling all too well and it cuts like a knife. Immediately after my ex and I separated she completely stopped contacting me. She says she doesn't miss me at all and she's all I can think about.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

hank_rea said:


> I know this feeling all too well and it cuts like a knife. Immediately after my ex and I separated she completely stopped contacting me. She says she doesn't miss me at all and she's all I can think about.


That feeling is called codependence


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## Hurt Soul (Feb 28, 2013)

Hi hank_rea.

This may sound unusual but its good to know someone understands what this feels like. Most other stories I have read the significant other shows some kind of remorse or shows some kind of sign that what is going is difficult for them as well. Ever since i have moved out my ex has shown non of that. Im not sure which one is worse? I feel like our relationship meant absolutely nothing to her!!

I don't know what to do. I was doing ok for a couple of weeks but the last few days have fealt like day 1.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Hurt Soul said:


> Hi hank_rea.
> 
> This may sound unusual but its good to know someone understands what this feels like. Most other stories I have read the significant other shows some kind of remorse or shows some kind of sign that what is going is difficult for them as well. Ever since i have moved out my ex has shown non of that. Im not sure which one is worse? I feel like our relationship meant absolutely nothing to her!!
> 
> ...


As long as posOM is in the mix, that's how she will act.


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## hank_rea (Mar 13, 2013)

Hurt Soul said:


> Hi hank_rea.
> 
> This may sound unusual but its good to know someone understands what this feels like. Most other stories I have read the significant other shows some kind of remorse or shows some kind of sign that what is going is difficult for them as well. Ever since i have moved out my ex has shown non of that. Im not sure which one is worse? I feel like our relationship meant absolutely nothing to her!!


A female user told me that she (your SO) acts this way because she's way further along in the detatchment phase than you (or I) are. I'll never understand that. How can you keep something like that secret? If I ever thought things were getting so bad that our marriage was in trouble I definitely would have told my wife before it got to the point of no return.


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## Hurt Soul (Feb 28, 2013)

Conrad,

Unfortunately I have absolutely no way to determine if there is a posOM. To be honest it would make me feel better if I knew for sure there was a OM. Then I could stop re-hashing the past and quit blaming myself for her leaving. Like I said before, I have owned my part with the issues in the relationship but I can't stop the what if thinking.

hank_rea,

That's definitely an interesting perspective. I know that my situation felt like one week we were buying furniture for the house and the following week she needed time to think if our relationship was something she truely wanted. I wish I knew why I have taken a step backwards the last few days. I was doing pretty good and then I feel like I am back to square one.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Hurt Soul said:


> Thanks for the advice everyone. I have been NC for almost 2 weeks. The last text I got from her asked "How are you". I completely ignored it. Although I know I am going NC and doing a 180 I still want her to text me. It hurts me to think that she doesn't think about me at all.
> 
> Anyways I need some more advice. As I explained earlier, i have been staying with my cousin this entire time while she has been staying at our house. We continue to split the morgage.
> 
> ...


Talk less - do more

Go to a real estate agent and get listing papers drawn up.

You sign your copy - and forward them to her.


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## Hurt Soul (Feb 28, 2013)

Conrad,

Got a real estate agent, house went on the market last Monday and signed selling documents today. The house closes later next month.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Hurt Soul said:


> Conrad,
> 
> Got a real estate agent, house went on the market last Monday and signed selling documents today. The house closes later next month.


What more do you need to do?


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## Hurt Soul (Feb 28, 2013)

I pretty much just need to get my stuff out of the house.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Hurt Soul said:


> I pretty much just need to get my stuff out of the house.


Stay dark until you get a nibble on the price.


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## Hurt Soul (Feb 28, 2013)

The house is sold. We accepted an offer. Like I said, I pretty much just need to get my stuff out of the house and I am done.

I am doing pretty much the only thing I can do which is focus on myself. It's weird, but I almost feel like she is pulling a 180 on me.

I am doing all the right things. I workout 5 days a week. I have been staying with my cousin and his girlfriend and they are pretty social people so I am getting out. I have been going to counceling. But as I explained, the last few days feel like day 1.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Hurt Soul said:


> The house is sold. We accepted an offer. Like I said, I pretty much just need to get my stuff out of the house and I am done.
> 
> I am doing pretty much the only thing I can do which is focus on myself. It's weird, but I almost feel like she is pulling a 180 on me.
> 
> I am doing all the right things. I workout 5 days a week. I have been staying with my cousin and his girlfriend and they are pretty social people so I am getting out. I have been going to counceling. But as I explained, the last few days feel like day 1.


Congratulations.

There will be a moment where you have a date where things need to be out.

That's when you should worry about it.

Do not talk to her.


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## Hurt Soul (Feb 28, 2013)

--- Update ---

So the house is sold and we are just waiting for escrow to close on May 20th. I haven't stayed at the house since the end of February. I still need to get all of my stuff out of the which I am not looking foward to.

I have been doing the 180 and NC since I stopped staying at the house. The only time she contacts me is when the bills are do. Unfortunately the majority of the bills are still in my name. Well just recently we had the following text dialogue:

4/26
Her: Bills? (FYI I pay them and she gives me money for them)
Me: Can you tell me how much they are?
Her: You pay them...?
Me: Ya
Her: So I don't understand... Do you have a total for April?
Me: No that's what I was asking how much each is so I can pay them.
Her: I thought you paid them online
Me: I do. Without the statements I don't know how much to pay.
Her: Got it. Ok ill go home and figure them out.
Her: I had the lawn done and all the weeds pulled because it was out of hand. $220.
Her: I'd like help since you haven't done anything to help me sell this house.
Her: Power $$$, Charter $$$$, etc. I NEED HELP.

4/29
Her: Did you pay the bills? And are you going to help me?
Me. Not yet. And selling the house is a result of a decision you made.
Her: Great then ill take all the profits too. F-ing Bull%^$. Please be civil about this.
Her: I'm just asking for help for the last month we have to deal with eachother. I would f-ing do it for you.
Her: But your out to make my life as miserable as possible aren't you.
Me: I'm sorry you feel that way.
Her: Are you not??
Me: I thought I was giving you what you wanted.
Her: By sticking me with the bills and then collecting half of what we make. Um no.

I am just astonished by all of this. Throughout this whole process I have literally done nothing but be civil. Not even as much as raising my voice!! But apparently I'm making her life miserable.

What are your thoughts TAM???
Please help!!!


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## Hurt Soul (Feb 28, 2013)

I hate how this person who over the past few months has treated me like crap completely consumes my thoughts. The pain at this point is almost crippling. I feel like it is hard to breathe a lot of the time!!

Frankly I am emotionally exhausted. I find myself in such a state of dispair. Lately nothing has really made me excited or I guess down. I just feel numb!!

Just a little venting!!


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## Hurt Soul (Feb 28, 2013)

Please Help TAM!! I can't stop the mental movies. 

Gladly accepting 2x4's. Please I'm looking for any advice/comments.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Do not help her, do not respond to her. Contact the real estate agent, find out when the closing is, show up, sign the documents, collect your portion of the equity and then leave. Do not acknowledge her. 

Go dark.

Also, why do you need to get the bill amounts from her if you pay on=line?


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## Hurt Soul (Feb 28, 2013)

Close of escrow is May 20. I pay the bills online through my bank not the specific companies.

I have been essentially completely dark except for the bill talk. I just was hoping things would be getting better. But instead I feel like they are only getting more difficult. As I described, the pain is sometimes so intense it takes my breathe away!!


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## Hurt Soul (Feb 28, 2013)

I am starting think the reason I havae been hurting so bad lately is that everything is becoming reality now. I am going to try and move the majority of my stuff out tomorrow. Just changed the majority of my mailing addresses. 

Then I get a text from her saying after the house closes we are going to have to close the joint accounts. 

Seems pretty obvious these thing would be occuring but maybe I just didn't really want to think about them.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Always darkest before the dawn.

You have to prove to her she's free to walk before she'll even consider turning around.


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## Hurt Soul (Feb 28, 2013)

I suppose. But damn it is so dark!!


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## Hurt Soul (Feb 28, 2013)

Also she wants to keep the washer/dryer. I'm ok with this but she needs to give me money for them. How should I communicate this?

I was think of a text with the dollar amount and thats it. I'm not ok negotiating on the price. If she wants to haggle she can go purchase new ones and see how much they cost.

What do you guys think?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Hurt Soul said:


> I suppose. But damn it is so dark!!


Release it... just shut your eyes... and release it.

You simply cannot control it anyway. Set it free.

Lay down the burden.


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