# My husband cheated. Now what?



## amber (Jul 14, 2008)

This is kind of long winded...so I hope that doesn't stop anyone from reading it. 

I've just found out my husband cheated on me with a much younger co worker. 

I found some text messages on his phone, and when I asked him about it he told me everything. He and her were flirting heavily for about a month, got together one day, decided it was a mistake....but continuted with text and flirting with one another. 

He's begged me not to leave, he wants to see a marriage counsellor and is doing everything he can to ssure me that this will never happen again. 

I'm doing my best to trust him, but it's hard. I don't want to leave him, I love him so much, and I know that he loves me. He's never done anything like this again and I believe it will never happen again. 

I go from loving him to hating him to crying alone in the bathroom. 

I'm 6 months pregnant, we have a beautiful little girl who is almost two and we are highschool sweethearts. We've been together for 12 years, married for those 4. I don't want to lose all of that. 

They were only physical once, but the flirting at work has been going on for a few months. I spoke with the girl and made it very clear that i'm not to be tested twice. 

Anyway, I think what I'm most angry with is the fact that I'm feeling that my husband hasn't really had any consequences over this whole situation. I'm the one left feeling like less of a woman. I'm the one crying alone in the bathroom. I'm the one left doubting the one person I've never ever doubted before. I don't want to punish my husband...but why does he get the dirty little secret, and I'm left paying the price for it. 

It just doesn't seem right. I'm so angry and confused and sad right now. I don't really know what I should be doing or saying.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

As hard as this is emotionally, I see hope. At least he admitted it, and is willing to get help. I would give anything to have that hope in my relationship. I'd give counseling a try. He does need to stop communicating with the other women though. Is he willing to do that?


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## amber (Jul 14, 2008)

He already has. They work together, but not in the same area, so although they will eventually pass eachother by, they is no need for them to communicate at all. 

I do see hope. And I'm very grateful that he was so open and honest about everything because it does show me that he feels it was a mistake and wants to work through it. 

But it still hurts so bad. 

Lastnight I asked him how long it would have continued if he didnt get caught....he said that he feels there never would have been any more physical encounters, he's pretty sure that the flirting wouldn't have stopped. 

He says he's so relieved that he was caught and he felt so bad and terrible about things. But how can he continue flirting and texting with her if it's something he felt so bad about?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

He may have felt some guilt while he was engaging in the flirting but he probably convinced himself it was innocent (no physical contact) and exciting and what you didn't know wouldn't hurt you so kept doing it. He probably didn't feel true remorse until you found out and he realized the hurt he caused you. That is his punishment and if he feels horrible about hurting you in this way, he's not getting off scott free.


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## amber (Jul 14, 2008)

Is it wrong for me to want to kick the s*** out of the girl???? I wouldn't. But I can't say I haven't thought about it a million times. 

And I get so tired talking about...but it's all I think about. If I don't talk about I fill up with so much anger...but at the same time it's becomming the last thing I want to talk about. 

BLAAAAAAH!


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I think counciling for yourself with and without your husband will do you well. I agree tha your husband now sees this as a failure on his part and has made him feel less than a husband. I think he needs to live a transparent life for a while so that you can see he is worthy of trust.

draconis


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## Angie (Jul 13, 2008)

I know how you feel. I found my husband talking to someone at work in secrecy and texting each other. He on the other hand does not admit an affair....she's only a friend is what he says. So, you have hope if he is willing to admit it and seek help. It's worth it for the both of you. My heart tells me that my husband is guilty and I wish I could know for sure either way. At least you know and can move on from this point. It's going to be hard, but possible. Good Luck


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## amber (Jul 14, 2008)

Thank you so much Angie. I hope it works out. We are both trying our best. I guess only time will tell if we can work it through. 

I've learnt that if something doesn't feel right in the heart, then there is usually trouble. I wish I could offer you some advice on how to get your husband to admit to cheating if that's what he is doing. Good luck and stay true to what your heart is telling you.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

amber said:


> Is it wrong for me to want to kick the s*** out of the girl???? I wouldn't. But I can't say I haven't thought about it a million times.
> 
> And I get so tired talking about...but it's all I think about. If I don't talk about I fill up with so much anger...but at the same time it's becomming the last thing I want to talk about.
> 
> BLAAAAAAH!


Absolutely not! I was in a similar situation a year ago and felt EXACTLY how you describe. One year later, I still think about it, but not all the time so it does get better, especially having my husband being open, remorseful and understanding. We were at the batting cages with my daughter and I got out some aggression pretending the ball was her face  I waffled for some time between wanting to talk about it so I would stop thinking about it and not wanting to spend another second of my life wasted on talking/thinking about her...I think it came down to when I got to a point where it was rehashing the same thing I made a decision not to talk about it and spend that time reconnecting with my husband. She still works with him & it's a small office so I do periodically ask if she has talked to him lately, etc. and I know that won't change until one of them leaves. She doesn't seem to get that a friendship is inappropriate at this point so he just gives her short answers and won't discuss anything personal with her. Anyway, it does get better. We have both made the choice to rebuild our marriage and we are closer and having more fun together then we ever have, so hang in there


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## amber (Jul 14, 2008)

I hope I'm not crazy in saying this....but ever since I found out...our sex life has increased 100%. It was never bad before, but wow, it's great. The last thing I pictured myself doing was engaging in any physical contact with my husband because I was so angry with him, but one night I was laying in bed crying and talking about it with him, the next minute we were kissing and then moved on from there. I'm positive it was just pure emotions that led to the first time, but it hasn't stopped since. 

The incident...as I'm now calling it...definatly fueled something back into our marriage. I have some pretty strong mixed emotions about that. 

I hope I'm not alone in this. To be honest, it really doesn't make a whole lot of sense in my head. I don't get how after such a huge betrayal, and a loss of trust, that the sex could get better. I would assume that I wouldn't want any part of sex with him...but there hasn't been a day since I've found out that we haven't engaged in some sort of sexual contact. 

Anyone else in the same boat?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

scooch over...the boat is going to get crowded...yes, same boat. I did not get it either but same happened with me. I think part of it is wanting to recapture the closeness you seemed to have lost along the way and the other is feeling some sense of relief that the tension that was there before has now lifted and you are working together and connecting emotionally. I know for me it wasn't anything forced...libido just went through the roof so I'd have to think it's either part of nature kicks in to compete for your mate or simply that the emotional bond increases the libido. Anyway, it's been a year and still going strong so I figure why question or over-analyze it


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I have read that this is common after a betrayal and most fall under one extreme or the other (wanting it all the time or not at all)


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## amber (Jul 14, 2008)

Yeah...it's defiantly not forced. I agree with you when you say it's probably nature doing it's survival of the fittest routine. I'm certainly not complaining about it....lol. 

I'm just glad that you were/are the same...I thought I was a little nuts, but everything you said makes perfect sense.


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## hitrockbottom (Jun 3, 2008)

swedish said:


> I have read that this is common after a betrayal and most fall under one extreme or the other (wanting it all the time or not at all)


I'm in the not at all category. 2 1/2 months on the dryness....aaaahh


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