# Stuck in Quicksand



## thebanker02 (Feb 14, 2010)

Here it goes - this is the first time I ever reached out into cyberspace to seek advice. My wife and I have been married for almost 6 years. We have two kids, a dog, a house, etc. Last April, she confronted me about her feelings and told me she was not happy. In retrospect, I admit that I was on auto-pilot for a while (and told her that and apologized many times over the past year). That day in April changed me and almost instantly made me assess how I was spending my time and what my priorities were. For the next 24 hours, I felt so alive and wanted to right every wrong, become motivated, help out more, etc. Her main issue was my lack of motivation. I have a stressful, but well-paying, career, am active in a few community organizations, taking night classes, etc. I was so wrapped up in everything that I felt exhausted when I came home. I realize now that those things are not as important when faced with the reality that I could lose my wife. Anyway, the day after she told me all of this, I found out that she has been talking to another guy for at least a month. The phone records showed over 800 minutes in the past month. I confronted her and she told me he was just a friend. I am a human analyzer and can usually detect and uncover things. After catching her in multiple lies over the next week, she finally admited there were strong feelings, but swears that they only hugged. The truth of the matter is she only told me what I could already prove. Only when I had hard evidence did she finally tell me the truth. Fast-forward to today - I have since lost a lot of weight, spend more time at home, help out around the house a lot more, and am MUCH more in-tune with my feelings for her. The problem is that she is numb. And I know I had a lot to do with that. I have been waiting for 10 months for her show some sign of love/affection. I have spawned countless conversations about how much I love her. She never has anything to say. Of course we initially discussed divorce, but neither of us can act on something that catastrophic (with two kids) unless we are 1100% sure - so here we are. I am having such a hard time learning to trust her again. My never-ending thirst for truth is consuming me. To this day, I still check her phone records periodically. I did stop for 2 months, but when I thought something was not right, I checked them again (last week). I saw all of these strange phone numbers. She works part-time and I know she is friends with a bunch of the people. Last Saturday when I felt like something was wrong, I left her a not-so-nice voicemail asking why she hasn't called to talk to the kids like she usually does. I felt bad about it. Her phone password is out anniversary date, so I thought I would delete it. Morbid curiousity made me listen to the next message which started out "Hey pretty girl, what are you doing". I threw up in my bathroom. My brother (who is the only person I talk to) talked me down and made me realize that the comment by itself does not mean anything. Yes it was someone flirting with her, but that is all I know. I decided not to tell her what I discovered, because knowing my wife, the conversation will quickly shift to me listening to her phone message and that is all it would be about. She is very good at deflecting things. All the progress I made in learning to trust her is out the window and all that is left is a constant paranoia that I am going to be blindsided again (it does not matter if it happened before or if I was expecting it, it will blindside me). I love my kids so much that I decided that as long as she will not divorce me, I will not disrupt their lives and what they are used to (ages 2 & 4). but it is getting tougher every day. I feel depressed, alone, and scared. In fact, if I wasn't me, I would not want to be around me. I try my best not to let all of this show through and some days I can fake it until I forget that my life is so f***ed up, but then I wake up the next day to an empty bed (she decided to sleep on the couch from now on) and in that moment, this all starts over again. This is not a healthy relationship and one of these days it could have an affect on the kids. It sometimes keeps me from having a great time with the kids. I sometimes think that I would be better of feeling this way alone, after all, it is almost the same difference. But then I start hoping that one day, she will begin to love me again. That I will learn from my expierences and work hard to make sure that she is happy, work hard to invest in my marriage, work hard to keep my family together. Lou Holtz once said "The best thing you can do for your kids is make sure they know you love their mother". That may not be the exact words, but it has stuck with me. I believe that our happiness (my wife and I) has a direct effect on their happiness, values, and overall well-being. That's why I am beginning to think that a divorce may be the best option. Not because we can't look at each other or because there are bad feelings, rather because we cannot find happiness with each other. Oh, did I mention I proposed to her 3 weeks after I met her and we had our first child in the first year? We never invested the time to build a strong marriage foundation and it finally crumbled.

I am not even close to being a perfect husband or person, but am trying my best to improve every day. My motivation is my hope that one day she will love me again. But now that 10 months have passed, my drive is still there, but my hope is starting to fade. I think the first thing I need to do is learn how to trust her again, but it is so hard. I also should mention that before all of this, I considered her the best quality person I have ever met. I still think that about her, but realize that she has changed. She won't tell me that she loves me for any other reason except as the father of her children. There is no passion, no romance, no feeling like there used to be. I feel like the harder I try to get her to love me, the more I am disappointed and depressed because of her lack of caring, love, etc., much like quicksand. I started counciling a few months ago, but once every two weeks for 50 minutes helps, but not enough (and yes I did set up marriage counciling for us, but she wanted to stop). 

Thank you in advance for your thoughts.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Seems obvious you're a caring person. 
Kudos on all the patience and trying. You know that none of us are really armed with the ability to navigate out of the s*it once your in it right? Especially when a divide is so great you're considering divorce.
To me, you should stop focusing so much on what you want.
Have you guys gone to counseling? If not you should have and hopefully she's willing.
You for sure should be there on your own.

Living in limbo sucks and it will take a toll and you may end up in one of those horrible divorces. It's time to decide together the direction. Are you going to work on being together then DO that in a big way. And if you decide to separate and go in different ways.. help her and be good about it.
Dont be confrontational and DONT lead her to believe that if her responses are not pleasing to you,, you're going to freak out. NO MORE freaking out.
More then ever, the truth needs to be OUT. So dont fixate on what that truth holds, just get it, accept it then go in the direction it points.

good luck


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## thebanker02 (Feb 14, 2010)

Thanks for the post. I started the "where are we going" conversation at least a dozen times. I am at the point where I will accept either direction, but not agree. She either refuses or is unable to talk about her feelings.

You can only write so much on a post, so I obviously left a LOT of stuff out, but I am not confrontational with her. In fact, I was never even angry with her, just hurt. The closest I came to being angry is after the 3rd or 4th lie when I got in my car and drove around for a few hours. But when I came back, we talked.

I do not freak out to her responses - at all. Her inability to respond should not have anything to do with my reactions. She just keeps stating that she doesn't know what to say.

What hurt our marriage more than the other guy, is the lies. I thought the truth was out and I was ready to address it at least 5 times. When new information kept surfacing or I uncovered it, she changed what she told me was the truth.

I really do not mean to sound so defensive, but after re-reading your post, I realize that I did not paint a full picture and whatever personality you imagined for me may not be accurate.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Thanks..banker.

Im aware its hard to give enough details.
No worries, I didnt take anything as defensive and even if you are... its understandable.
Dunno, if your clarification is the case, and she continually lied and then changed the story to fit the evidence at hand but still not the whole truth, doesnt seem likely you're going to get there with her.
I still would sugegst its going to be aweful to allow this to continue that way. 
Maybe the time for telling her she needs to think about life on her own has come. If you cant persuade her to actually put something into it, and she continues to play both sides, what else can you do? Maybe that cold fact will make her think long and hard.

Good luck!
really wish you all the best..
TO be in that state for 10 months is really crap. Hope you get direction soon!


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## thebanker02 (Feb 14, 2010)

Thanks Vino. Another question - how long is too long to be in this state in your opinion (or whoever else reads this)? I thought the same thing after the first month, second month, etc, etc. I have tried my best to find out where her head is at. Not even to commit to trying to save the marriage versus separate, just which way she is leaning - all met with "I don't know".

I guess I can never put a deadline on a decision like this, but it has crossed my mind several times. I now am using this time to spend with the kids, focus on improving the things I want to do better, losing weight (30 lbs down, 30 lbs to go!), and every-so-often, show or tell her how much I love her without the expectation that it will be returned.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

thebanker02 said:


> Thanks Vino. Another question - how long is too long to be in this state in your opinion (or whoever else reads this)? I thought the same thing after the first month, second month, etc, etc. I have tried my best to find out where her head is at. Not even to commit to trying to save the marriage versus separate, just which way she is leaning - all met with "I don't know".
> 
> The answer to that is simple.. "when you cant take it anymore"
> Its pretty amazing how much you can strech without breaking huh?
> ...


I think that's awesome personally. Working on yourself and being unselfish with her is great. Just dont keep any kind of score for future. There is a problem and you guys are supposed to be commited to stick with each other. If you still have hope it can be saved... by all means help her out of the funk. 
Having said all that. you know at some point, without any signs from her... you're going to need to pull the plug.

Again after reading your other post, im hopeful for you.
Hope she snaps out of it.. Just keep going on yourself, Its helping your self confidence which will help give you strength if she doesnt wake up.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

I swear I SHOULD get a commission from this... being the 3rd time I'm bringing this up tonight, but really...
READ HIS NEED HER NEEDS & Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice - really. YOU read it first - knock her freaking socks off by finding this type of material, then share with her.

She is in withdraw, You are in conflict. Read it, you'll see it. Then the choice will be both of yours about how you will proceed. But at least you'll both have a little more solid information to work with.

Good luck. Go for it.


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## can'tbelieveit (Dec 8, 2009)

Are you guys in marriage councelling or anything? My H doesn't know if we can be happy either. We too have 2 small kids, we get along great, we don't fight...but we are (as per our therapist) emotionally disconnected. That's great that you are not jumping into divorce! Maybe give the councelling a try. 

Best of luck to you!


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## thebanker02 (Feb 14, 2010)

i am having an issue posting my reply...


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