# What does this mean ?



## Mr Mom (Feb 10, 2009)

Hi all. Im new to this type of forum and Im in need of some advice. Here is some quick info. Married for 15 yrs. 2 kids -9 and 4. Both of us have full time jobs, both with significant responsibilities. Im a Mr. Mom type....I do everything without even giving it a second thought. IMO, most women would kill for a husband like me. My wife is appreciative of my assistance but recently she has broken down and said that I have been smothering her and she needs to 'find herself'. The last few days I have let her come to me for affection and she has made an effort but Im thinking that it's me that needs to change my demeanor to allow her to find herself. She seems detached when we have sex - I think she may be bored. Im not but I do understand that being 'into it' is a state of mind. Do you think that this is just a temporary mental adjustment that she needs to make or should I be concerned with underlying meanings ?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Mr Mom-

There may be some answers here. Unfortunately, although women say they want help in the home, while it gives them a break, it is seldom a turn on to see a man in the Mr. Mom role, whatever they may tell you.


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## Mr Mom (Feb 10, 2009)

Thank you for the feedback and honesty MT.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

If you can pinpoint which areas of that article apply to you, we can thrash something out.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

My gut reaction to reading a thread like this is that you put too much emphasis on your work around the house and my have neglected your wife’s emotional needs. We put all the efforts into being a good “partner and dad” and lose track of the “good husband”. Your selection of your handle here speaks volumes. Your wife may feel smothered because she had disconnected from you and your affections are having a reverse reaction for her. Bravo for giving her some space. Pushing for affections will likely push her further away. How is your communication? Do you truly listen to her when she discusses problems and concerns? Do you try and fix them or do you let her get them out and the just reiterate them so she knows you were listening and were concerned? Think about these things.

Finally when you do the housework, is it possible this leaves her feeling unneeded or under appreciated? This can be an unexpected reaction that we don’t understand and often read incorrectly.


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## Mr Mom (Feb 10, 2009)

MT - The section where "This is all good news to the smart husband. If it were her sex drive, he would have to get her to do something about it or there would be little chance of an improvement in their love life. But if he realises it is just him she has lost interest in, he can do things all by himself to become more attractive in her eyes. If she fancied him in the past, there is every chance he can regain that position in her affections " applies. 
I think I try to do too much which leaves her with an empty feeling like she is not pulling her weight. My intent is to free up time so she can spend that constructively with the kids and myself. It seems to be creating the lower feelings of worth. So for right now, Im doing the things that NEED to be done and backing off some of the things that she can do which should allow her to improve her feelings of worth. IE choosing dinner, helping with kids homework etc. I appreciate your feedback.


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## Mr Mom (Feb 10, 2009)

Amplexor - You make a very good point. Im a problem solver and need to be a better listener. Our communication has been good however she needs to come to me before it's breakdown point. Probably something we both need to work on. Recently I have been trying not to solve her work problems and have been allowing her to use me as a sounding board. I don't look to resolve any issues she has unless she is asking for my advice (which she has done on occasion). I think I just need to be a better listener. 

It is very possible that she feels unneeded at times (because there is nothing that needs to be done at home) but I don't thinks she feels unappreciated. I thank her for the little things she does - ie give the little one a bath, clean the bathroom, help with folding the clothes. 

She is just detached right now and claims that she needs to 'find herself'. The only thing I can do at this point is listen, keep my eyes open and allow her time to get back into the feeling of being a good mother and wife that she really is.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Mr Mom said:


> MT - The section where "This is all good news to the smart husband. If it were her sex drive, he would have to get her to do something about it or there would be little chance of an improvement in their love life. But if he realises it is just him she has lost interest in, he can do things all by himself to become more attractive in her eyes. If she fancied him in the past, there is every chance he can regain that position in her affections " applies.


That is good, but that section lies more in the realms of the "cure". I was hoping you would see yourself in one of the later paragraphs...


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Mr Mom

Reading between the lines here. Does your wife view you as controlling? Has he used that term?


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## Mr Mom (Feb 10, 2009)

She must........this weekend she did say that at work she has all the control of decision making and at home, she does not have that same control. Im getting mixed signals though....she will come home and say to me that she does not want to make any decisions because work has drained her. So I take control and aleve those pressures from her. Im just kinda caught in the middle with what I should be deciding, what she should be deciding and what we need to work together to decide. It's a fine line between them all.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

There is a difference between day to day decisions and big choices. If you are making the day to day decisions, that could be seen as controlling. If you are making the big decisions then, depending on what you chose, and whether she is consulted, that could be seen as being firm. A lot of women like firmness, but few of them enjoy feeling controlled.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Mr Mom said:


> She must........this weekend she did say that at work she has all the control of decision making and at home, she does not have that same control. Im getting mixed signals though....she will come home and say to me that she does not want to make any decisions because work has drained her. So I take control and aleve those pressures from her. Im just kinda caught in the middle with what I should be deciding, what she should be deciding and what we need to work together to decide. It's a fine line between them all.


I think I would try and explore this avenue with her to get a firm idea of how she is feeling as your wife. The "needing to find herself" may indicate she is confused as to her roll in the household.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Amplexor said:


> I think I would try and explore this avenue with her to get a firm idea of how she is feeling as your wife. The "needing to find herself" may indicate she is confused as to her roll in the household.


Yeah Mr Mom, and Mrs Dad - Sorry I could not resist


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## Mr Mom (Feb 10, 2009)

I agree. Communication is key but I don't want to seem like I need to have a 'talk' with her on a daily basis. That's being needy and smothering. I think I will let her get back into the swing of doing things that make her feel better about her involvement around the house and with me. With winter blues in full swing mid Feb, I know it's easy to get caught up in depression mode. I appreciate the feedback and humor.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Mr Mom said:


> With winter blues in full swing mid Feb, I know it's easy to get caught up in depression mode.


No kidding... not my favourite time of year.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

I look at winter as its cold outside and we need more body heat .

There's a reason all 3 of out kids were born in July (2 due in August).


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Mr Mom said:


> I agree. Communication is key but I don't want to seem like I need to have a 'talk' with her on a daily basis. That's being needy and smothering.


By all means, give her room. 

Heah, I'm ready for spring also. :smthumbup:


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## alexis (Feb 11, 2009)

There could be many reasons for her recent confessions. Depression, winter blues, turning 40 - that have nothing to do with you. It seems if you guys have been chugging along that way for 15 years she must be OK with each of your roles. But if she says she is feeling smothered, maybe you can take up a hobby, a course at university, something that allows you to remove your interest from your beloved for periods of time. This may give her the space she needs and opportunity to see you in a different light.


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## Mr Mom (Feb 10, 2009)

Alexis - Thank you for your response. You make a very valid point in that removing myself occasionally for a few hours may change her perspective back to the norm. It's not a good feeling that I have in my stomach right now but Im going to have to suck it up and try not to fix her issues. She needs to fix herself. I appreciate your suggestions.


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## PENNY4URTHOUGHTS (Feb 6, 2009)

Mr. Mom, it is sometimes difficult to accept the change of roles. Although my husband is employed, I have always been the one to handle our finances. He has always been the one to do most of the housework. (and boy is he a nag!) It was fine for me in the past, but as I have matured, I have felt as though I need to be taken care of. I think that I have associated this with having all the responsibility of being the head of houshold. Mabey your wife is feeling the pressure,too. Be careful, because when our needs are not being met at home whether they be sexual or emotional, many of us find what were lacking, elsewhere.


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## T-Dub (Feb 2, 2009)

Penny I would have to agree with you 100 %. This sounds familiar.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

when a wife doesn't want to have sex with her husband and vaguely says she has to "find herself" that should be a clue to you that she is comparing you and her situation with you to someone else.

Call me a cynic, but i would wonder who it is at work that gives her a jolt.

Not saying she is cheating. But something is up.

Stop bragging about doing the dishes and figuring that most wives would kill to have a husband like you. Maybe, maybe not.

I'm not zinging ya, just get your radar up and hear what is happening around you better.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Did she date much before you two got married? Were you both really young at the time?

If so, after 15 years it's no wonder she's bored. Doesn't have that much to do with you though. She would probably be the same with any man she married. It is her own personality and reaction to the situation that you're seeing.

What you need to handle this is a good sense of self esteem. With this and, if the marriage is good in other ways, you can confidently give her some slack to be more adventurous. 

She just needs a change. How she handles this need is left to be seen. But once she gets it out of her system she will realize what a good thing she's got going at home.


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