# Finding an HD person as an HD, how?



## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

Hey, so if you look at my post in the private section you'll see my situation. I'll be starting over soon and I am fairly HD, probably the male equivalent of Curiouswife to put things in perspective. I could still manage daily with my back pain and workload, haven't done the "how many times can we" for such a long time I'm not sure of that anymore...
The difficult thing is I am very traditional in my ways, I need to be into someone and emotionally connected(yes I am a guy lol) for the HD to come into play. Right now I've got nothing for my stbxw because that connection is gone despite her still being beautiful and attractive.
I've seen enough here to say that HD is probably either in you or it isn't, no matter the strength of a relationship there will be the LD-normal-HD all +/- as life/stress affects. 
How do you go about finding someone HD under these circumstances when you're not a craigslist man-hoar looking for a slvt, for lack of better terms?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

The answer is time. When I returned to dating after divorcing my ex, I wanted another meaningful relationship, only this time with someone HD like myself.

It took a lot of screening and conversations online just to find potentially compatible people to even meet. Compatible in ALL ways. You meet, you see if there's chemistry, you date if there is, and over TIME, you learn if their stated attitudes towards sex and intimacy match their behavior. You talk about it, you raise hypotheticals, you have sex. It may take a year, or two, or even more, before you can finally say this is someone you want to marry. You also learn if there are flaws in that apparent compatibility in this and all other areas, and if there are any significant problems, you end it and try again.

I met a lot of women. Most never got beyond a date or two. A few turned into short-term relationships. A couple became longer term, but ultimately there were incompatibilities that couldn't be resolved. Finally, there was one who was compatible in all important ways, and that held over time. That one I eventually married.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Hey I'm mentioned in your post.  I'm famous. lol

As you already know I don't have any advice. But good luck!

I really wish you the best. Like the person above me said, it will probably just take time. 

I'll be watching and rooting for you!


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I haven't been in that situation - but if I were I would imagine I would be pretty upfront with it. Even starting online dating and searching for someone else coming out of a sexless marriage.

I would think out of the divorced spouse pool (which is basically what you would get at my age to date from) people have pretty set and strong opinions about their sex lives and what is ideal for them.

Much different from back in our 20's where you thought you could change a person and that everything would work it's way out. (I guess I cannot speak for everyone, but that is how I was in my early 20's when a lot of my peers were getting married.)


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> I haven't been in that situation - but if I were I would imagine I would be pretty upfront with it. Even starting online dating and searching for someone else coming out of a sexless marriage.
> 
> I would think out of the divorced spouse pool (which is basically what you would get at my age to date from) people have pretty set and strong opinions about their sex lives and what is ideal for them.
> 
> Much different from back in our 20's where you thought you could change a person and that everything would work it's way out. (I guess I cannot speak for everyone, but that is how I was in my early 20's when a lot of my peers were getting married.)


That divorced dating pool is not so bad. You can be upfront about it, let them know you got out of a sexless or affectionless relationship and it wasn't acceptable. You want to find someone who feels the same way.

Also you can get a feel for what type of situations they are good for.

If they haven't been through anything, how could you know?


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

treyvion said:


> That divorced dating pool is not so bad. You can be upfront about it, let them know you got out of a sexless or affectionless relationship and it wasn't acceptable. You want to find someone who feels the same way.
> 
> Also you can get a feel for what type of situations they are good for.
> 
> If they haven't been through anything, how could you know?


Perhaps I can be a lot more optimistic as a woman. As a man there might be the concern as coming off as a pervert. Women can hide their perversions better perhaps.  While saying "seeking someone to have sex all weekend, every weekend with including various kinky situations as yet untried" I imagine a woman would get a higher return than a man. 

But what do I know! This whole online dating thing is a new thing since I was last dating. 

(As a disclaimer I am hoping to not find myself single but Miss Scarlet likes to fantasize the improbable at times.)


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Hey I'm mentioned in your post.  I'm famous. lol
> 
> As you already know I don't have any advice. But good luck!
> 
> ...


I already nominated you for the LD wife intervention group I was joking about here, you're already famous
Thanks for the support.

Scarlet, nothing like the good old days of "forgot to eat all day because we never got out of bed"...sigh.
I'm only mildly optimistic because I think more guys are HD than women by %. Unless I find a diamond in the rough I'm going to be one of a dozen black labs wanting the "treat".


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> Perhaps I can be a lot more optimistic as a woman. As a man there might be the concern as coming off as a pervert. Women can hide their perversions better perhaps.  While saying "seeking someone to have sex all weekend, every weekend with including various kinky situations as yet untried" I imagine a woman would get a higher return than a man.
> 
> But what do I know! This whole online dating thing is a new thing since I was last dating.
> 
> (As a disclaimer I am hoping to not find myself single but Miss Scarlet likes to fantasize the improbable at times.)


Your right, men couldn't be as upfront about it. If a woman does it she's "cool".

The male would calmy let her know "my last relationship failed due to a lack of affection. She just wasn't an affectionate person"... Let them figure out what that means.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

One thing I found after getting out of my 17 year long sexless marriage at 40 years old is that dating has changed a lot in that time. Also at 40 years old with the experience of a long marriage, I know exactly what I am looking for and set out to find it. When it came to the sex issue, I was straight forward about it. I wanted a good frequent healthy sex life, and if a woman felt uncomfortable, didn't like, avoided a direct conversation about it, she wasn't for me.

I have been with my STBW for a year and a half now. She was the one who actually brought up sex when we were getting to know eachother before actually dating. She was blunt and straight forward. Exactly what I was looking for to keep going. She made it clear that she needed sex for the physical release three times a week to be happy. I was on the same page with that. She didn't need hanging from the chandelier wild monkey sex, and was fine with fairly vanilla, standard positions, oral thrown in regularly. Sounded good to me.

Well, once we actually met in person, it was more than just sparks, we set the world on fire. We've had sex 10-15 times a week, oral to completion a couple more times a week from the very beginning, with no signes of slowing down. She initiates at least as much as I do.

My point is, if this is something that is important to you, go and get it. As adults, you should be able to have these kinds of conversations in an adult, matter of fact manner. Sex is part of a relationship, just like any other part, and should be treated as such.


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## jay1365 (May 22, 2013)

Good question. The LAST thing I would do is talk about, because that is setting yourself up for the 'ol bait and switch. I would judge more by behavior. Too bad there's not a blood test.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> One thing I found after getting out of my 17 year long sexless marriage at 40 years old is that dating has changed a lot in that time. Also at 40 years old with the experience of a long marriage, I know exactly what I am looking for and set out to find it. When it came to the sex issue, I was straight forward about it. I wanted a good frequent healthy sex life, and if a woman felt uncomfortable, didn't like, avoided a direct conversation about it, she wasn't for me.
> 
> I have been with my STBW for a year and a half now. She was the one who actually brought up sex when we were getting to know eachother before actually dating. She was blunt and straight forward. Exactly what I was looking for to keep going. She made it clear that she needed sex for the physical release three times a week to be happy. I was on the same page with that. She didn't need hanging from the chandelier wild monkey sex, and was fine with fairly vanilla, standard positions, oral thrown in regularly. Sounded good to me.
> 
> ...


Looks like she fooled you. Your getting way more sex than you both stated and it's at a much higher level of intensity than either of you expected!

What a success.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

treyvion said:


> Looks like she fooled you. Your getting way more sex than you both stated and it's at a much higher level of intensity than either of you expected!
> 
> What a success.


No doubt! I actually started a thread here a while back asking about reverse bait and switch, and if the much higher desire for sex should be a red flag. The conclusion was that she is just that into me, and we are just rediculously sexually compatable, and time has kept proving that thought correct. She is only 38, so unless we started right at when her peri hormone spike hit...when it does...lord help me


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> No doubt! I actually started a thread here a while back asking about reverse bait and switch, and if the much higher desire for sex should be a red flag. The conclusion was that she is just that into me, and we are just rediculously sexually compatable, and time has kept proving that thought correct. She is only 38, so unless we started right at when her peri hormone spike hit...when it does...lord help me


I wouldn't even speak about it, just keep doing what you guys are doing. Keep that thing going as long as you can. The holy grail!

It's amazing how something so simple completely changed your entire outlook! I know it did!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> No doubt! I actually started a thread here a while back asking about reverse bait and switch, and if the much higher desire for sex should be a red flag. The conclusion was that she is just that into me, and we are just rediculously sexually compatable, and time has kept proving that thought correct. She is only 38, so unless we started right at when her peri hormone spike hit...when it does...lord help me


You found a compatible HD woman. I found one too (she was 37 when we first met). It really does help to know what you want and to seek it out. It's not _just _about sexual compatibility, because so many other things contribute to making a great relationship where you _continue _to desire each other. 

The HD has lasted close to 14 years now. We averaged twice a day for at least the first 5 years, then at least 10x a week for the next 7. We're only now slowing down a little to average about daily, with occasional great weeks returning to our original levels.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> You found a compatible HD woman. I found one too (she was 37 when we first met). It really does help to know what you want and to seek it out. It's not _just _about sexual compatibility, because so many other things contribute to making a great relationship where you _continue _to desire each other.
> 
> The HD has lasted close to 14 years now. We averaged twice a day for at least the first 5 years, then at least 10x a week for the next 7. We're only now slowing down a little to average about daily, with occasional great weeks returning to our original levels.


Wow... It should have really changed your perception on a lot of things. What was the difference in life with the "lack" situation compared to the "abundance"?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

treyvion said:


> I wouldn't even speak about it, just keep doing what you guys are doing. Keep that thing going as long as you can. The holy grail!
> 
> *It's amazing how something so simple completely changed your entire outlook*! I know it did!


This^^^ Absolutely right. And as we have grown together, and as I learn more about how her mind works with regards to sex, I found way more than the holy grail. She's never cheated on a partner, doesn't believe in duty sex, loves holding hands and cuddling, but sex is her primary way of showing and feeling love. We had one of our few arguments a while back, and she was pissed the next morning because we didn't have sex that night even though we had been arguing. 48 hours after a pretty major surgery, she was wanting to have sex with me even though I had not even mentioned it at all...yeah...I got a good thing here 

Oh yeah, all the other things like money, kids, emotional needs and support, all that other stuff, we are spot on the same page with. Blended perfectly into our comfortable roles within the relationship, compliment each other perfectly...that probably has something to do with how good the sex is as well...


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> This^^^ Absolutely right. And as we have grown together, and as I learn more about how her mind works with regards to sex, I found way more than the holy grail. She's never cheated on a partner, doesn't believe in duty sex, loves holding hands and cuddling, but sex is her primary way of showing and feeling love. We had one of our few arguments a while back, and she was pissed the next morning because we didn't have sex that night even though we had been arguing. 48 hours after a pretty major surgery, she was wanting to have sex with me even though I had not even mentioned it at all...yeah...I got a good thing here
> 
> Oh yeah, all the other things like money, kids, emotional needs and support, all that other stuff, we are spot on the same page with. Blended perfectly into our comfortable roles within the relationship, compliment each other perfectly...that probably has something to do with how good the sex is as well...


I always say great sex is to a relationship like grease is to gears.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

treyvion said:


> Wow... It should have really changed your perception on a lot of things. *What was the difference in life with the "lack" situation compared to the "abundance*"?


I think with my STBW and I, we both knew what we were looking for because we both ad life experience, and actually learned from it. Neither of us played any BS games getting to know each other. As I said before, we're adults, and had adult conversations. I was never afraid of being alone so never felt the need to settle. I had time to find what I was looking for, and I did, and so much more...


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

> It should have really changed your perception on a lot of things. What was the difference in life with the "lack" situation compared to the "abundance"?


I'll second everything samyeagar has said so far. It greatly helps that we are on the same page on so many things - compatibility makes everything not only easier but better.

We both came from poor long-term marriages with LD partners and other incompatibilities. We were both careful to not repeat the mistakes of the past in choosing a new partner.

In our previous marriages, we felt unloved, unappreciated, taken for granted, used, neglected, denigrated, and abused. Life sucked - as far as the relationship went, anyway. It certainly diminished our feelings of self worth and self-esteem, and we were unhappy and unfulfilled. We both compensated by focusing on personal growth and enrichment. She started her own businesses and earned an advanced black belt in martial arts (her marital arts are damned good too!). I furthered my education, obtained excellent work in consulting, learned meditation, got very fit, and developed friendships to compensate.

Now, we have all those benefits we developed in ourselves, and we have each other providing genuine loving support, care for each other's well-being, an intense emotional connection, great communication, feelings of mutual and self esteem, confidence in knowing our wants and needs will be given priority and met. The sexual aspect is exciting, fulfilling, and renews and deepens our bond. We both love sex and make it a priority. 

We truly care about each other's happiness and opportunities for personal growth, and we love doing things together. Life is now full of joy and opportunity. It is a huge change for the better from the past, despite having had many problems with health and finances early on, including Lyme disease, chronic fatigue and pain, back injuries, cancer, job losses, and other - external - issues. They didn't affect the core of US, despite how difficult and challenging some of those were.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Sounds like it changed your entire life.

I know how the sludge from a bad and or sexless relationship bleeds into other compartments of your life, slowing down, dimming, diminishing everything.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> I'll second everything samyeagar has said so far. It greatly helps that we are on the same page on so many things - compatibility makes everything not only easier but better.
> 
> We both came from poor long-term marriages with LD partners and other incompatibilities. We were both careful to not repeat the mistakes of the past in choosing a new partner.
> 
> ...


My STBW and I have gone through some extraordinary things as well, EXTERNAL things as a couple. Things that can and do tear other couples apart. For us, our communication is the core of our relationship, and it has enabled us to keep those external things from coming in between us and keep the core of who we are as a couple completely unblemished.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

badcompany....When you actually do get out there in the dating pool, you'll see it is actually much easier than you think it might be.

You just have to use your Sex-dar. Get it focused and sharpened. See and read between the lines. People do actually "broadcast" their level of sexual proclivity, you just need to tune into it. I talk about that in these two blog posts:

I Married a Sex God: 2. Extremely Sexual People Part 1

I Married a Sex God: 3. Extremely Sexual People, Part 2


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Firstly I have to say how spooky your life story is *samyeagar*, have said it before but our stories are parallel except we are opposite genders.

OP it is a really good question but don't stress over it, your life experience so far was not all for nothing, it will carry you forward into the next phase of your life with certainty about what you do and do not want. I have not read your posts but will tell you a brief outline of my story.

Was married to a man that was LD, I am very HD. Short version is that I ended up divorcing him, we were together for almost 20 years and have remained amicable.

I did not date for about 12 months post separation and for many years prior my sex drive had gone because I had subdued it.

Started dating and found no shortage of men out there looking for some fun, I had a blast.

Then by accident I met Mr H, we met online and had a couple of very lengthy chats before we met. I was pretty straight forward and we talked about sex (not explicit details) but more along the lines of preferred frequency etc.
We met, we connected and we became exclusive quite quickly. We have continued to enjoy a very healthy sex life and have maintained our 7 plus times per week since day one.
We are a great match, share hobbies, have similar core beliefs and values. We are financial equals, are on the same page when it comes to blending our families and both love life. We are compatible in all areas of life.

There are some things that I would personally look at when getting into a serious relationship to warn of potential LD pretending to be a HD person.
Are they comfortable talking about sex?
Do they enjoy passionate kissing?
Do they initiate?
Ask them straight out of they *like *sex, if it is something they enjoy.
I know the clues now and would never get serious about a man that was not able to maturely discuss our sex life.

Oh and one of the first conversations we had was about masturbation, asking each others habits, he told me that he has done it pretty much daily since his early teens, it sounds funny but I knew he truly was HD when he said that and was open about the discussion. 

Good luck, I am sure you will be fine because you are asking the questions. There are plenty of women out there that have suffered the pain of an incompatible marriage and will be keen to find a more compatible partner.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Be practical and avoid super achievers career wise. Long work hours are not conducive to HD... Despite what 50 Shades portrays...


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

Holland said:


> There are some things that I would personally look at when getting into a serious relationship to warn of potential LD pretending to be a HD person.
> Are they comfortable talking about sex?
> Do they enjoy passionate kissing?
> Do they initiate?
> ...


This could totally describe my wife and I. She's a "no" to all those questions, and (red cheeks here), I admit to being along the same lines as your H as far as habits.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Don't be embarrassed about your DIY habits BC. In my case I saw the discussion as a real positive, firstly it showed he was sexual and secondly it showed he was able to openly talk about things like this. Still turns me on to think about him doing it and we do it together at times.

Anyway it is not relevant to the discussion but I am about to burst because Mr H and I are off for two weeks holiday together, the first time since the beginning of our relationship over two years ago. I am so happy I could pop, I hope that you find the person that you are compatible with, she is out there for sure.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I would have to say date someone long enough for the 'limerence' factor to dissipate... IMO many LD people can 'seem' HD when in lusty new love lustiness.
I think I've read it takes 18 moths to 2 yr into the relationship for this to happen.
It seems to me that if a strong attachment/bond hasn't been made by that time the relationship is doomed.

Personally I believe we should live with someone before we marry them, I know that for some this is a religious/moral issue but for me it would be vital. I want to see my spouse-to-be at their best and their worst.... before i decide to spend THE REST OF MY LIFE with them!

Another thought... hubby and I have a theory that 'foodie' people make hot lovers...what with all that finger licking and sensory passion (think Nigella Lawson and her food porn).


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Excellent points, waiwera. To truly know someone, and know how the relationship is likely to fare, you need to get past the initial hormonally driven phase. I would also insist on living with someone for a couple of years before deciding on marriage - at least, whenever it's possible and practical to do so.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

One of the things I have discovered with my STBW is just how strongly she equates sex with love and attraction, and I think that bodes well for our long term sex life. As has been mentioned, the only real way to figure these things out is time, but there are things that have been mentioned already that are good initial indicators. Being able to have a frank and open talk about sex and masturbation habits is a very good one to start with.

We're adults, have been in marriages so sex is something we are familiar with. Even before our first date, one of the sex conversations my STBW and I had ended with her telling me how horny I was getting her, and that she was going to have to go take care of herself as soon as we were off the phone. That is the kind of openness and comfort level we're talking about.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Holland said:


> *Firstly I have to say how spooky your life story is samyeagar, have said it before but our stories are parallel except we are opposite genders*.
> 
> OP it is a really good question but don't stress over it, your life experience so far was not all for nothing, it will carry you forward into the next phase of your life with certainty about what you do and do not want. I have not read your posts but will tell you a brief outline of my story.
> 
> ...


I'm going to take this part in a slightly different direction. Holland and my story ARE eerily similar. I have a feeling she did what I did and spent the latter part of her marriage preparing a mental checklist of what she wanted out of a relationship, sorted them into wants and actual deal breakers, so when it came time to start looking again, that list was burned into memory.

I set out looking for what I wanted, and found it. She did too. Because things are so similar in our stories, I have a feeling that if she and I had found each other, we might be in the same place we are now with our respective partners.

Where I am going with that, and hopefully no offense in what I just suggested Holland, but where I am going with that is that here you have two people who have found exactly what we were looking for separately, and then completely randomly, the possibility presents itself on an online forum...my point is, she's out there for you, and it's probably not going to be all that hard to find her if you set yourself up for success.


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## Claufjdia (Sep 26, 2013)

Your right, men couldn't be as upfront about it. If a woman does it she's "cool".


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Claufjdia said:


> Your right, men couldn't be as upfront about it. If a woman does it she's "cool".


I wasn't out just looking for a piece of ass, I was looking for a long term relationship, and made that quite clear. I was completely upfront about the sex too, and if she couldn't handle it, she wasn't for me.


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## PAPS18 (May 17, 2012)

If I were ever dating again, I believe there would be some signs I could look for in a woman that would tell me if she had a healthy sex drive or view on sex. 

First would be will she openly talk about it, in detail, without feeling embarrassed or ashamed-ie it is not ladylike to discuss this topic. I believe that if a woman is sexual, she can talk about it. I mean, when you meet someone, you can talk about just about everything, so why not sex. My wife never wants to talk about it-or in the event she does, it is very vague. 
Second, I would have sex. Based on that, I would again have a better idea of their sexual side. My wife and I didn't have intercourse before marriage but did have oral and manual. She was MUCH more into it before marriage-so that is not what I would be looking for, but rather her level of enjoyment, interest and ability to communicate-not just do the acts without a lot of noise. What I mean is, again, will she "talk" during sex, telling you what she wants, what feels good, and not be embarrassed to express some "words of passion" during the act without embarrassment. 
Another thing would be how often she was truly into it. After over 20 years with my wife, I know when she is truly into it and when she is doing her "duty". More times than not, with her it is duty because she is very LD. If I was starting over again, I would be very observant to the signals and signs. 

This is a personal thing for me, I would be interested to see what her thoughts were on oral. Is she a fan of giving and receiving-if not, why? I would just flat out ask, what is your deal with this. My wife enjoys receiving but mostly refuses to let me, I LOVE giving and want to give and it bothers me when she won't let me. She rarely if ever gives to me-has been 2 years and never to completion and usually for about 1-2 minutes and she is done. She has flat out told me NO WAY will she even let me finish in her mouth. I can accept that but I think oral sex is a BIG part of a healthy sex life-not all the time but it is something that is a nice component. 

Honestly, I think being in my 40's and looking for a woman in her late 30's or 40's, I would be in pretty good shape. I have had friends to start over and the rave about the prospects out there. I would have to see that for myself, but I don't plan to be out searching anytime soon. But certainly if I am ever in that situation, I will have certain criteria I am looking for.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I just want to say on this one, that my husband never pushed for sex at all...he didn't need me to "prove" that I am sexual, because he already knew I was by our conversations, making out with each other, etc. When you are extremely sexual like he is, you "just know" another person's sexual potential. He has never had a scarcity in sex in his life, so he doesn't have that fear like "oh no, what if she isn't into sex?" If he liked me enough to want to have sex with me (not a given, because he is quite discriminating in who he has sex with) then by then he would know all he needed to know.

I, on the other hand, had seen some sexless days and had known some LD men, so I was the one who was more worried about this than he was.

In retrospect, and why I am bringing this up, it is a potential problem for a person coming out of a sexless situation to focus on whether a new partner will be sexual enough or not...because if they are, you might just jump on that boat even though other boxes are not checked.

My husband's way...self assured and expecting abundance...allowed him to evaluate a date as a person first, and then whether they are sexual or not later...because bottom line is, you can have good sexual chemistry but not have enough other things in common to make a relationship.


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## PAPS18 (May 17, 2012)

I was inexperienced when I met my wife, so she came on VERY strong at the beginning and I was fooled easily. If I were out there again, I would be much more in the know of what I was looking for. But as faithful wife says, there is MUCH more to being happy than just a great sex life-and my wife and I work great together as parents and life partners, our sexlife is not what I want but she is very content. So, I would not just hop on the first woman that was into sex, I would be looking for MORE but certainly when it comes to the sex part, I would be looking for a woman that not only came on strong at the beginning but could "talk" about sex, was not embarrassed about it, didn't think masturbation was as she calls it gross. Also, if a woman refers to sex as messy-as in, we can't do it right now because it is too messy and I don't have time to clean up, that is another sign.


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