# Too shy to share too much



## FormerlyCareFree (Nov 25, 2011)

Hi everyone,

Bigtime lurker here. Finally got the nerve to join. I've been reading stories on TAM for quite some time now. So many of them heartbreaking and sad. Just this morning while reading stories (Thanksgiving day) I was moved to tears in gratitude that this year I'm not the one living that hell, but sad for all of you out there who are lonely, heartbroken and crushed. I know the feelings all too well. 
I'm familiar with most of the active members here..

The reason it took me so long to join is because no one, and I mean no one knows my story. I've kept it deep inside me since it happened a some years ago. 8 to be exact. The one thing I'm willing to share at the moment is that although my husband and I have one of the most loving and respectful relationships you could ever imagine, I still hurt very deeply for what he did. I see so many strong people here, and I wish I was as strong, but I was shattered. I changed totally as a person. I went from a fun-loving, life of the party kind of girl to becoming a total recluse and misanthrope. You would think 8 years is enough time for a person to heal, right? well think again. I will never be the same person I was before this happened. I'm not sure I even want to be the same person I was before all this took place. All I know is that right now I see so much clearer through people and their intentions. I have no tolerance for nonsense. I've become a serious person, and that's fine. At least the new me is not blind. But I tell you one thing, it's exhausting having your guard up for life. I get really tired.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

So what's your situation, then? Are you contemplating divorce?

I don't knw your backstory, but one of the things I wasn't prepared for after separation was how peaceful my head was, not having to be so guarded and constantly on watch for signs of an affair. The peace was overpowering and awesome.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FormerlyCareFree (Nov 25, 2011)

I bet it was. I've often wondered how liberating It would feel to come and go as I please without having to have eyes in the back of my head. 

To answer your question, no. We are not contemplating any kind of separation or divorce. In fact, our marriage has found the much coveted comfort-zone and we're very happy. I'm not in denial, nor am I sugar-coating it. It took a long time and a lot of work to get here. My husband has a deep understanding of what he did, and what it did to me, but most importantly how he almost screwed up his entire life. 
When this all happened he did everything he was suppose to do to help me heal as much as a person can heal from that sort of trauma. I'm mainly here for support on residual pain, but also to lend support to those who are going through a tough time as well. 

Thanks for the reply.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Ok. So....which you do you like more, though? This one? Or the "old" you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FormerlyCareFree (Nov 25, 2011)

I actually like this one better. I now have self-respect and I'm much stronger. Although, It's a shame that in order to achieve this stage of enlightenment I had to walk through several circles of hell. I would have preferred to have reached this level of wisdom eventually on my own, way down the road. Like normal people.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Yeah. I like this me too. I was a passive agressive nice guy before. You know....a clingy weak man that could turn ino a pr$ck on a dime. Not so great.

But in truth, I never would have reached inside me enough to take a hard close look at myself to see how messed up I was without my WWs affair. Sad and ironic. But, in the end, totally awesome!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FormerlyCareFree (Nov 25, 2011)

Sorry you had to go through that. My husband is the nice clingy guy type too, but I love that about him. It's part of what helped us survive. Sad how some women don't know how to appreciate a good man.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

you've confused me because you basically say in one post how you've haven't healed, became a misanthrope and how exhausted you are from the infidelity, then in subsequent posts you say you're happy and confident.


don't get me wrong I understand duality probably better than most, but such resentment will eventually eat away at the happiness


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## Iamchanging (Nov 15, 2011)

Did forgiveness not help? have you read the love chapter? sorry to say this, is just that you do seem to have finally made it yet at the same time its like you haven't. I know what being cheated feels like, but maybe bc I was young or bc it was so long ago I can honestly say the images no longer carry any pain with them and I made a decision to completely trust my husband once I forgave him, okay it didnt happen overnight but it was a moment by moment thing but I did overcome the paranoid state and fear. why are you allowing this A that happened 8 years ago to continue to rob you? You can simpathise with so many here but you wont be able to help them to overcome until you have truly overcome yourself and this is what most people want here, to know there is light at the end of the tunnel which more then empathy/simpathy...my two bits.


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## FormerlyCareFree (Nov 25, 2011)

This is why I was shy to post... It's very difficult to explain as you may understand. What I'm saying is that althought I've reached somewhat of a peaceful place in my life, and I love my husband and he loves me, betrayal, whether we like it or not has affected our lives forever. So yes, I'm happy in the sense that I haven't had to deal with anymore betrayal in my life. But I could never sit here and say that I'm 1000% happy. I was 1000% happy on my wedding day. Get it?
But I stuck it out because at the moment when it all happened my husband did all the right things he needed to do in order to help us move forward. Not to mention we both love each other very much.

Yes I forgave, but I will never forget. Forgiveness has nothing to do with forgetting. I obviously forgave my husband. I'm still here. 
Along the way we learned a lot of things, which has brought us to where we are now, so much closer, and it may be hard for you to believe, but we are indeed happy. And not just this week, or this month. We've been happy for a few years now.


Trust. 
Guess what? after something like that happens to you, how could you ever fully trust again? If anyone here can say that after their spouses betrayal, they can go back to pre-affair trust mode, I'm sorry, but I do not believe that. THAT is denial.


I worked with what was left after the wake of that betrayal. True, every year i trust my husband more. It's still a work in progress, but I will never be able to have the carefree life I once had. That is a fact! 
Imachanging, I don't understand how you questioned that. You should understand what I mean. You should understand how marriages work. It's not all black or white. It's not like "ok, i forgive you, let's forget about it and move on". I have to seriously shake my head at that. It's not normal. Some people may be able to pull it off but it's not the norm.
Maybe you could call it trickle down trust. Perhaps one day i will achieve that level of trust again. 


To make things clearer, I'm not watching my back 24/7. I'm not going to worry about my husband going to the market, like I used to..I'm passed that. However, I'm not just going to willy nilly allow my my husband to take over the world and "trust", he won't screw it up. That trust is only reserved for people who have never ever betrayed. 

It's not resentment, it's distrust. I don't resent my husband anymore. Resentement left the house years ago.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

FormerlyCareFree said:


> This is why I was shy to post... It's very difficult to explain as you may understand. What I'm saying is that althought I've reached somewhat of a peaceful place in my life, and I love my husband and he loves me, betrayal, whether we like it or not has affected our lives forever. So yes, I'm happy in the sense that I haven't had to deal with anymore betrayal in my life. But I could never sit here and say that I'm 1000% happy. I was 1000% happy on my wedding day. Get it?
> But I stuck it out because at the moment when it all happened my husband did all the right things he needed to do in order to help us move forward. Not to mention we both love each other very much.
> 
> Yes I forgave, but I will never forget. Forgiveness has nothing to do with forgetting. I obviously forgave my husband. I'm still here.
> ...



I understand much better than you think-


from my own story (if you wish you can click the link in my signature to read the whole thing)



Almostrecovered said:


> Yet there is that little issue of trust.
> 
> 
> Can I trust her 100%?
> ...



was just basing my initial post on your first post because it painted a bleak picture, but you've explained a bit clearer now and I understand what you are saying


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

You sound a lot like my wife actually. Post my EA we have worked hard on our marriage and it's now better than ever. My wife has even said, "it was worth it to get where we are now." However, she also says that she will always miss that bliss she had before my EA that can never return. She to is a different person, again much like you. Honestly she was too trusting before my EA, in some respects naive. She's more careful with her trust and cast a slightly more suspicious eye to the world (and me) but honestly she needed to. She is also now more confident and self assured than she was before - it's amazingly sexy on her. 

I hate to speak for her, she's a member here but doesn't come around a whole lot. Your post just reminded me of her and I thought you might like to know there's at least another who sounds a lot like you do.


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## FormerlyCareFree (Nov 25, 2011)

Ty almostrecovered. 

I read your story a few weeks ago. My husband read your story as well. It's a story that should be printed out and read by anyone who is about to enter into a commited relationship, or about to commit the biggest mistake in their lives. It was very inspiring. You may not know this but you're like an infidelity forum legend. 


Have you ever read a novel by Tolstoy called "the kreutzer sonata"? You reminded me so much of Pozdnyshev. If you haven't, please pick it up. It's a days worth of reading. It really depicts the anxiety that comes with distrust and infidelity. It's an amazing work.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Tolstoy wrote something that could be read in a day?!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FormerlyCareFree (Nov 25, 2011)

Thanks, Sigma. It's relieving to see someone understands exactly what level in life I'm in right now. I'm not saying everything is perfect, but we've reached a level of understanding that feels wonderful. We both come first to each other. I think that's very important.

I'll address the confident thing some other time in a new thread. I'm still amazed at how much I've changed (for the best).


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## FormerlyCareFree (Nov 25, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> Tolstoy wrote something that could be read in a day?!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Lol, yes. He has a few, and they're much better than W&P or AK. I swear. Tolstoy let lose on his short stories. Please read it when you get a chance. The Death of Ivan Illych is another short but powerful one as well.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I guess I'll try it when I finish the 20+ books that I have on my list, just had the hardest time getting thru Anna Karenina in college that I am wary of Tolstoy (especially since he is called one of the greatest novelists of all time and I didn't even like one of his "best")


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## FormerlyCareFree (Nov 25, 2011)

I felt the same way. I painfully trudged through Anna Karenina, suffering from an extreme case of readers fatigue, but those 2 short stories are amazing.


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