# Confused, and embarrassed



## confusedandbroken (Nov 6, 2014)

So long story short, I am a few days shy of turning 28. I have been with my husband for 7 years, married for 4.5. I have given so much up for our marriage. I moved away from all of my friends and family to support his career, I have worked 60+ hour weeks to try to appease his want/need for money, I have changed careers (to gain more money) all to appease him. I have changed my life drastically for him... What makes me extremely sad, is he hasn't changed at all. He had made promise after promise to change (for example actually do stuff, like go for a walk, go on a trip, him actually get a second job), but it never happened. He always made me feel like I wasn't worthy, and I tried to prove I was. 3 months ago, we discussed how many people got divorced and said to us marriage was for life, and that if need be, we would seek counseling, but would never call it quits. So, 4 weeks ago today, he tells me he wants a separation... With no REAL explanation why. He said that I leave work papers around, and that I don't do the dishes and house work as fast/often as he likes (and he is too busy with computer games to do them)... Oh and he doesn't want children (which is the one thing I would never compromise on) but states that's not really the issue... He hasn't actually given me an exact reason, but refused to go to counseling. I am on one hand grateful that I can hopefully be myself again, but I feel like I just lost 7 years of my life. I have changed so much from the person I was, and was proud of, and I'm not sure how to get it back. Regardless of what I act like, I am so embarrassed to tell people (I don't tell everyone, just friends and a need to know basis). I was out with friends (for a "feel good night") and I could tell they were talking about me... I have no idea what to say or do in those situations, but I felt SO small... I feel like people are constantly judging me. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed... Especially because my Identity became "his wife" rather than my own person. I am now trying to find myself, and rely on friends close by for support, but some are turning out to be more work, and anxiety provoking than others. We can't agree on separation agreement, so we went to mediator and he says the mediator is taking sides. He says I am money hungry, and goes on about how much better he made my life and I should be grateful for the years I got to spend with him. I am NOT looking forward to Christmas as I am sure to get "oh I'm so sorry, what happened" from people... I don't want to be pitied. I don't want to be talked about behind my back... I want to move on, but I am NOT ready, and worried I won't be... I don't even remember how to date... I have no idea what to do with my life, or even what I CAN do (afford to live). I have become so dependent on him, and I am feeling like I am falling apart... I am trying the whole "fake it t'ill you feel it" and glass half full, but sometimes I just collapse and start crying feeling like my whole world has ended... I know this is more of a rant, but I am not sure what to do or how to do it...


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## Jharm (Oct 20, 2014)

I feel for you. I know that pain, I'm going through it now, but I have moved on to the angry then hurt then angry stage. 

My wife told me a month ago that she got an apt and was moving out in the next month.. Felt like my world was ending. I couldnt eat, lived off xanax... We still have 2 weeks until she is leaving.. which is torture being in the same home..

anyway, seeing a therapist really helps to heal and to see things more clearly. My wife wants to separate, so I am giving her what she wants.. No contact (as much as possible in the same home), I just today got on my own cell phone plan, opened her up her own bank account, and began the actual no contact.

I suggest you try that. It is VERY hard but keep telling yourself that this is what you need to do. Every time you pick up the phone to text, text someone else. Download loud upbeat music and listen to it.. Trust me, I still fight with this pain but it does get better. Once you start the no contact, he will begin to realize what is really happening.

Always come here for support.. I do and it works.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Sounds like you are a pleaser. You should seek therapy.

You are passive agressive in you doing something, you want a result in return. That is a codependency issue. 

Give little to no focus to your husband. The only real power we have is over ourself.

Change your way of thinking. Instead of viewing divorce as a bad thing. View it as a way to be rid of a toxic situation. 

Now is the time for self discovery, and take away distractions as best as possible. 

Ask your friends to respect you. If they can't, phase them out. Create a new social circle, and deepen bonds with those that support you.

You do need to talk to a therapist though, and see where the pleaser in you stems from. 

He sounds like a taker, and you a giver, so at least you learned that no matter what relationship you are in, always maintain a sense of self, and independence.

Here on TAM, we will be your emotional cheerleaders.


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## confusedandbroken (Nov 6, 2014)

Thank you. I spoke with a therapist, and she said that what I am feeling was all normal, and that I essentially have to mourn our relationship. It can sometimes be difficult to be in the same house, as he was my best friend for years, who I told everything to, and now I still want to do those things. I know this is for the best, and I deserve better (I have had friends tell me that for a long time now)... I just fear the unknown... I am also upset that some friends are not supportive (and I considered them very close), and I know I need to lean away from them. Its hard because I feel like I have to mourn my life... The one great thing is my very old friends have popped out of the woods, and are very supportive. I appreciate your advice


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Lol, welcome to TAM, sorry that you got here. 

Next time your in a relationship, write down what you are seeking, and what you can compromise. No one can fully meet everyone else's emotional needs. Write down qualities that you seek.

Re-affirm your good qualities, and minimize or eliminate the bad ones. See if you can turn a weakness into a strength. 

Making decisions during emotional highs and lows are bad ideas, seek neutral. It will help you analyze and make better decisions. 

During emotional highs, expectations are high, and during lows, things seem more dire than they really are. Our emotions affect our perception.


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## Jharm (Oct 20, 2014)

confusedandbroken said:


> Thank you. I spoke with a therapist, and she said that what I am feeling was all normal, and that I essentially have to mourn our relationship. It can sometimes be difficult to be in the same house, as he was my best friend for years, who I told everything to, and now I still want to do those things. I know this is for the best, and I deserve better (I have had friends tell me that for a long time now)... I just fear the unknown... I am also upset that some friends are not supportive (and I considered them very close), and I know I need to lean away from them. Its hard because I feel like I have to mourn my life... The one great thing is my very old friends have popped out of the woods, and are very supportive. I appreciate your advice



This too is my biggest problem, I want to do all those things as if we are still married but knowing she is leaving... I have just recently stopped doing those things bc it only hurts you longer. It is so hard but you have to.


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## Faithful123 (Oct 29, 2014)

Fear of embarrassment is normal it often stems from childhood, that aside I strongly recommend allowing yourself to truly feel that humiliation/embarrassment, allow it to soak in and hit you right in the gut. Sounds bit dramatic but trust me the more you allow yourself to feel it the easier and less frequent it hits and effects you. Repressing these feelings will just make things worse. It's imperative in this time to do little things, even the smallest things will be little triumphs and spur you on to continue. Distract yourself when youre emotional mind takes over and make sure you get plenty of sleep that will help you immeasurably, also make sure you eat even though you won't feel like it. Stay strong you can do this, come back here and vent and ask questions type your struggles and people will help. We are here for you.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I'm sorry you are here.

First thing you have to do is get yourself to a place of mentally just accepting the reality of it all. It happens; people split up. 

And you're going to have to *own* that it happens, and is happening to you... you've been "victimized". Fine; it unfortunately happens. Time to no longer be a victim.

But from there, you've really got to get past worrying about what other people will think, or say, or even do about it. People will talk, but your time and energy can't be wasted worrying about it. You've got to get a strength that lets it roll off you like duck over a water's back. Because they going to talk whether you worry about it or not. That talk has no impact in your life.

People are going to surprise you. Some will be pleasantly supportively surprising, others will disappoint you. You will learn a lot about some true character. 

"The people that matter won't do so, and those that do so don't matter". Digest it. 

What matters is how you are going to move forward and move on. That needs to become the primary focus for you. Time to no longer be a victim. IC therapy sounds like it can really help you, both to understand and address being a "pleaser", and how it (maybe) impacts your relationships long term.

You're 28 and have a full lifetime ahead of you. So many of us here would kill to be that age with the opportunity to start again. Don't let it pass you by worrying about what other people think. Use it to take a newfound control over your life and your happiness, which starts by looking inside.

"Whether you think that you can or you think that you cannot -- you are right". 

Think that you CAN do this, because you can andyou will. And you will come out stronger for it. But yes, it is going to be hard, so prepare yourself for the road you're now travelling down. One day at a time for now... decide how you want to be, and go be that way. You can do this. You have gainful employment, sounds like you don't need to worry how you're going to get by. Just concern yourself with how you're going to LIVE your life when you're ready to start living it.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

You're also 'mourning' the loss of the courage and confidence that you know you have. It's all still inside you, and you know that too. You aren't a 'lost cause'. The following doesn't work for people who never had or don't remember those traits but you do and you can own them again.

Like the song says, "Anger is an energy."

GET MAD about hubby's put-downs etc. Get mad that you let yourself buy into them. Get mad about anything that you've allowed to browbeat you and yourself for letting it happen. I can see in your OP you're doing it already, but you're not focusing it or using it. It's like heat escaping through an uninsulated ceiling. Let it build to a mass of fury at all those negatives that've robbed you of who you were and conclude, "No! Scrèw this! No more!" - Just like you used to. Remember how good it felt? Like a weight lifted.

When you used to do that you only lifted small weights,, but you've neglected your power (to say " No! I'm not putting up with this shìt!") and they've accumlulated. It takes more energy to lift a bigger weight, which is why you need the fury.

When you catch yourself thinking "I can't" get mad and use it to tell yourself "I can and I'm fvckin' gonna!" Note - If you ain't cussin', you ain't mad enough. Being half-hearted is what got you to where you're at.

Your new/old friends provide you with a great opportunity to escape. They're outside the bubble of your current life and all it's baggage. You don't have to fret that they'll go running to your current circle with 'gossip'. DON'T bring them into your misery bubble and make them part of the same picture - use them to help you see that there's a life outside of it. You can 'rehearse' being single/somewhere else with them if you can't make the leap alone. A whole bunch of new people who won't take side and condemn you,, might not even be interested. Perfect.

Forgotten how to date? You first need to remember how to dress up and go out, guilt free, with your friends. When you can do that and get your confidence back the dates will naturally follow. Don't fret about the dating. 28 is "Still hot. Not desperate" territory. Plenty of guys lookin' for some 28 action. You have TIME. No need to be rushing towards dating.

Get your confidence back with the fury, and by socialising with the new group. The dating will come easy with confidence and a confident girl is less likely to move her boundaries and accept second best.

It's within you to do this. Get mad, get out of your emotional entrapment and move on. Happiness and contentment are yours if you want them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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