# So Much To Say, So Little Hope!



## DisappointedHusband (Dec 1, 2011)

I've done some internet reading concerning divorce and situations that "should or could" merit considering divorce. This forum is a Godsend, because its users actively update it.

Background:

I'm turning 30 this month, She's 32! We've been together for 8.5 years married 6.5 years. She's from Mexico, I'm from the States. I uprooted her and brought her here with me to the States in 2005. She has never truly accepted our life here in the States as a permanent condition. This January our identical twin daughters will be 2.

*Issues:*

•	No active sex life (huge issue for me) – 1 every 2 or 3 weeks if I’m a “good” husband
o	Always gets tired, or has a stomach ache or head ache or that time of the month, you name it she has used it
o	If I try to do my romance, she will usually not respond to it, but of course I am persistent and I would say 1 out of 3 times after persistent cuddling and making my obvious intentions known I am successfully. I usually try about once a week these days, hence the frequency. 
•	Her attempts = 0/8 years (not an exaggeration)
•	Substantial weight gain – 30lbs since marriage, 25lbs of which was already gained prior to the twins.
o	Seems to be happy with weight gain and thinks I should not be angry or upset and still find her physically attractive.
o	No effort to work out or diet
o	Diet pills, but never follows regime and proper diet
o	Cooks very unhealthy usually Mexican food
•	Loss of sexual attraction – she never initiates romance/sex, but always insists that I am not attracted to her anymore. (correctly)
o	I never tell her that she looks cute anymore or if I do she tells me I’m lying
o	I never cuddle or hug or kiss or romance her 
•	True, but I tried for a long time, just got tired of it without any reward (sexually)
•	No professional ambition (huge issue for me) – She wants or has wanted her own business since we have met, and yet she never acts on any of the ideas she has or has had. (8 years and counting)
o	No professional job/career in her area of study – 10 years since she graduated from college
o	Financially she doesn’t bring much to the table
o	Financially I do not bring much to the table being that I am a full time student. (On full scholarship and receive GI Bill plus scholarship stipend, which in the end is more than she brings in monthly or ever has brought in – 8 years counting)
o	Financial supported by her parents – when “she” thinks “we” need money, she goes and gets some from Mommy without considering me.
•	We have no common interest as in extra-curriculars 
o	Her hobbies include: cleaning, ironing, watching Telenovelas while she cleans and irons.
•	Of course this inevitably leads to her main complaint with me: I do not do enough around the house.
•	Yes, she does more chores
•	Yes, I could do more
•	Yes, I do clean, I wash my own clothes and Iron them as well, 5/7 days I wash the dishes (kinda my thing)
o	Never enough
o	This is her ammunition even after I spend an hour washing the dishes because she refuses to allow the use of the dishwasher because it doesn’t get the dishes as clean.
•	I have a joke, which she is probably tired of, but I used to tell her jokingly, but seriously that her video games were the Ironing board and folding clothes. (not that I play video games, because that would just mean that I am a bad father/husband)
o	Well, she does like to read
o	My hobbies: My girls are my first and favorite hobby; watching football on Sundays, hanging out with my friends at a bar (1/month – all I’m allowed), architectural design and construction (I’m studying it for heaven’s sake), military related events 
•	And lastly, but more important the all the above is my girls. I had an epiphany when I hugged my wife in front of the girls and gave her a kiss. My eyes met with one of my daughters and I immediately felt guilt-ridden because I couldn’t remember the last time my girls had the opportunity to see their parents in a loving embrace as such. Sad, but true. 
o	Both my wife and I are very good parents, but I got to thinking, individually we give so much love to them, but because of our stagnant relationship we don’t show them an example of a loving Husband and Wife. 
o	This is actually what preempted me to write to this forum.

Sorry, but I’m a rambler. The truth is we have our differences from time to time (increasing as of lately), but there are still some days that go by without any confrontation or silent tension between us. 

My fear is that those days that we get through without arguing become a successful reality and hence an hopeful anticipated result, which shouldn’t be the case, you should want to see your wife and be with her and be attracted and be able to without any thought display affection that is indicative a loving Husband and Wife in front of your very impressionable twin girls. 

If any of you out there have been through a lengthy stagnant time in your relationship and came out of it in a loving and healthy way, please do relay your secret. I just do not think I can take anymore of the constant disappointments and arguing. 

Thanks for listening.


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## DisappointedHusband (Dec 1, 2011)

As I read back my posting, I got the impression that I may have not painted a proper picture of our current situation in terms of necessity of action or I'm calling it quits.

Almost everyday for the past 3 or 4 years we argue, always about something small, but none the less, we never truly have good conversations. I would say about once a month we get in a major argument, but with all the small daily arguments and then the impact of the larger arguments and the week or so recovery period, it seems like constant arguing. (we do the arguing after the girls are sleep, prior we generally do speak to each only to the girls)

So, I'm just to my limits, but do not know if I should wait give us another chance and continue in hopes of something different or better.


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## adm388 (Dec 8, 2011)

You both sound like you're pretty judgemental of one another. honestly, if I felt that my husband wasn't attracted to me because I gained 30lbs, I wouldn't want to be intimate anymore either. Is she aware that you feel this way? Do you make comments about her weight/pressure her to diet?


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