# Wife's Job Affecting Home Life



## Vulcan_90 (Jun 1, 2014)

My wife and I are both working professionals and we are in our 20s. I am extremely happy in my line of work. It is rewarding and challenging and I love the people I work with. I go in everyday excited to work with my subordinates. My wife couldn't be more opposite unfortunately. She dislikes her bosses, her job, where we live, etc. 

I've known this for a while, but lately she has become increasingly depressed and despondent about her job. She gets home and if she doesn't have anything immediately pressing, she'll be in bed and asleep within an hour or two. On the weekends, she'll sleep an inordinate amount of time, upwards of 14 hours a day. Most of the conversation is her lamenting where we live, her job, how things aren't as good as where we used to live. 

It's been a problem that I've tried consoling her on, but just the other day, it got really bad. She had something of an emotional breakdown in front of me where she admitted that she hates everything about her life (myself excepted). Hates her job, hates the assignment location, the weather, the city, restaurants, you name it, she hates it. 

Aside from the bizarre sleeping, it is taking a big toll on her health. She is routinely sick and feels ill just thinking of going back to work after the weekends. And she insists on taking long weekends every other month or so to travel out of state to "escape" the environment. She has also gained weight as well. 

I feel completely powerless in dealing with this. For my part, I am extremely happy in everyday life. I realize that we do not live in the near-poverty of our late teens. We've staked out a wonderful life for ourselves with a house and no financial difficulties. I can't fathom any reason to be unhappy. But her chronic unhappiness and depression is starting to really strain our marriage. 

She is no longer the pleasant and fun person I used to enjoy being around. She seems to resent the fact that I delve into various hobbies and enjoy myself. But her constant sadness and unhappiness just causes me to spend even more time seeking out activities, spend time with friends, or just tinker in the garage, if only to avoid the morose mood. 

It's not that I'm uncaring; every time she laments her circumstances, I offer a hand, a shoulder to cry on, console her, or tell her that everything will be alright and that things aren't so bad. But it has no effect and certainly does nothing to alleviate the depression. It's not just a flat tire I can fix and make everything be ok. But I fear that if I were to explain to her the strain it is putting on our marriage so bluntly, it would only make her feel guilty and more despondent than she already is. 

What's most frustrating is that she does not show any proactive desire to want to find a solution. I have suggested that she ought to speak to a therapist or counselor about her issues, and while she doesn't balk at the idea, she's not done that or shown any drive to. She's just miserable. 

I should add that for the short term, changing her career or moving is out of the question. Due to our lines of work in the government, we are not able to leave our location for almost another three years. 

I'd be very grateful for any thoughts or advice some of you can give. I know this was long and rambling. It just really pains me to see her unhappy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your wife sounds seriously depressed, as in a clinical depression. Her being very unhappy with every aspect of her life is one big sign. The sleeping more than is normally needed to another big sign.

How does she fair when she travels out of your area every so often?

She needs to get to a doctor and/or psychiatrist (someone who can prescribe medication). When a person is in this state they often do not have the ability to seek help. So as her husband you need to do it. You make an appointment, you drive her there and if at all possible you go into see the doctor with her. And you tell the doctor what's going on. 

Tell her that she is clearly seriously depressed and you are going to help her. If she fights you on it tell her that it has gotten to the point that you are concerned for her and that you cannot go on living with her like this. yes you have to be that firm about it.

Does she have any family members near who will help you with this?


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## Vulcan_90 (Jun 1, 2014)

Thank you EleGirl, 

I've been wondering if it is clinical and a mental thing and where the circumstances only exacerbate it. Unfortunately the nearest family is thousands of miles away. 

That definitely sounds like sound advice as far as seeking out the help for her if she won't. 

When she travels, she seems to be just fine. But sinks right back into it when she comes back home.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Vulcan_90 said:


> Thank you EleGirl,
> 
> I've been wondering if it is clinical and a mental thing and where the circumstances only exacerbate it. Unfortunately the nearest family is thousands of miles away.
> 
> ...


I had to do this with my husband. He got to the point that he was nonfunctional. I made the appointment, drove him there and talked to the psychiatrist. My husband sat there and told the doc that he was a bit depressed but nothing serious. With that I told the doc what was going on. That's why you have to go with her.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The place you are located may seem home to you but it isn't home to her. She sounds clinically depressed and needs professional help.


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## Kvothe_The_Raven (Apr 6, 2014)

I have been in this situation with my wife many times before and I can understand how distressing it is. EleGirl's right, it is depression and the advice is spot on.

I was delicate with my wife at the time. I tried to just be supportive in the background and act as the therapeutic part of her day. She'd offload on me and find some sort of escapism, but at times she's be so low that there was no motivation for anything.

We did come out of it eventually, but at first it would be a recurring situation. She hates her job - she goes depressed - a vicious cycle until she manages to get another one; repeat. A whole bunch of other issues lead to sessions with a behavioural therapist and that's when the change in mindset started.

I wish I was a bit firmer and took more action. I'm in another situation now where I'm wondering whether I should take affirmative action out of love and concern for my wife.

Depending on the level of depression, any physical form of outlet does help. I'd encourage my wife in some fun physical activities. It's not a solution to the core issue but it helped on a day-to-day basis.


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## rubpy3 (Nov 19, 2013)

How many hours does she work per week? When she gets home, does she still think about work? Is she constantly checking emails, hearing phantom cellphone vibrations, etc? How long is her commute to work?


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## Vulcan_90 (Jun 1, 2014)

rubpy3 said:


> How many hours does she work per week? When she gets home, does she still think about work? Is she constantly checking emails, hearing phantom cellphone vibrations, etc? How long is her commute to work?


Her hours are normal 40 hour work weeks. She's off by 5 everyday and home by 5:30. I work more and normally get home by 6-6:30. 

The trouble is compounded by her taking additional online college courses which I argued a little against saying it would be too much. 

We live in Alaska which she hates. I love the outdoors, work on motorcycles, go hiking, hunting, skiing. She really doesn't like the outdoors. 

I think I just need to make it very clear that while I can handle anything in sickness or health, I cannot live my life around a chronically unhappy person who won't seek the help she needs.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Vulcan_90 said:


> Her hours are normal 40 hour work weeks. She's off by 5 everyday and home by 5:30. I work more and normally get home by 6-6:30.
> 
> The trouble is compounded by her taking additional online college courses which I argued a little against saying it would be too much.
> 
> ...


Does she have more problems during the short winter days there? Some people are thrown into bad depressions by this.

You are right that you should not have to live with someone who does not get the help she needs. That's the bottom line.

Her taking college classes now is not a good idea. That takes energy away from her addressing her depression.


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## Vulcan_90 (Jun 1, 2014)

You know, I was out of the state for a few weeks at the end of winter and thought things might be better when summer came. But the warmer weather and longer days hasn't really changed anything for the better. 

You're right, for whatever reason, the odd daylight has bizarre effects on people. It doesn't affect me, but it drives some people to depression. 

If it isn't the short days that make her upset, it's the long days, or the clouds, the mountains, etc.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yes I've heard of the long days causing people problems. 

The bottom line is that regardless of the cause she needs to get help. 

You know that.


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## Vulcan_90 (Jun 1, 2014)

So I sat her down this evening and said we needed to talk. I explained most of what I've said here in detail; how her depression is putting a heavy strain on our marriage, how I feel powerless to do anything about it, pointed out the complete lack of physical closeness and intimacy that it causes, how she was no longer the happy girl I used to know. I laid it all out as honestly as I could. And I really don't know what to make of her response. 

I expected a very emotional defense, but it was strangely self-aware, cold, and detached. She acknowledged everything I brought up, said how she was too stressed to engage in even the most non-sexual acts of being physically close, holding hands, hugging, etc. Said how the onus was entirely on herself to find the solution and seek help, and she at least said she would seek someone out to speak to. 

She elaborated on a few things I only suspected, like that she thinks about work constantly and experiences virtually no points during the week in which the stress goes away. Most surprising of all was when she said that she believes she's bipolar and that this was something that had been suggested but never diagnosed years before we met. I didn't pry into who was doing the suggesting back then, but I'm still trying to come to terms with how well I'd react to her being diagnosed with that. 

Like I said, she was very detached and clinical about the whole thing. It was almost eerie. Now I do not suspect she would ever harm herself or anything extreme like that, but it was either superhuman emotionlessness she was displaying or she is really that defeated inside. 

I'm hoping she is serious about seeking out counseling this week. If she does not, then I will.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

What is the purpose of a job?

To me, the purpose of a job is to make one's life better.

And, her job is making her life worse. Why can't she quit her job?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

While she might think that her getting help is entirely up to her, your decision to stay or not stay in this marriage is entirely up to you. 

So if she does not do what is needed to handle her issues you have a decision to make. Set a deadline, like 4 weeks. If she does not act then you need to do something. 

From the description of your talk with here it sounds like things are worse than you thought.

Can she quit her job. Are the two of you in the military?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

What brought the two of you to Alaska in the first place? Was it mutually agreed to, basically forced on her or did you have to do a lot of convincing to get her to move there? Or, was it her idea to move to Alaska and it just happened that you were the one that fell in love with the place? 

I hate to say it, but I think you will have to choose between living in Alaska or your marriage. My guess is that she rebound much more quickly if you were living south.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Hicks said:


> What is the purpose of a job?
> 
> To me, the purpose of a job is to make one's life better.
> 
> And, her job is making her life worse. Why can't she quit her job?


If that job is affecting her this way, it should go. Time for a the protector side of being a husband to step forward.

Scale back, tighten belts, whatever, but get this burden off of her. When that's done, refocus on the problems that remain.


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