# Women Reveal What Drove Them To Cheat On Their Husbands



## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

Women Reveal What Drove Them To Cheat On Their Husbands


typical excuses


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

"It just happened." LOL! Probably my favorite.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

This is the only gal I found who even partly owns her sh!t.




> "Cheating on my ex-husband isn't something I'm proud of and I would never do it again. The question I get asked a lot is why? Why did I cheat? Back then I would have given you a whole list of reasons: there was a communication breakdown, he had vices, he didn't take care of himself. But in retrospect, the one reason that stands out is how confused I was about how life and relationships work. I thought once my husband changed, everything would be OK. I couldn't see that my feelings of frustration over our relationship weren't about his behavior, it was about me: I created the the negative mood through my negative thoughts. Then I allowed myself to become infatuated with another man. Things would have been very different if I had adjusted my way of thinking." -Marina Pearson


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Woman here, married for ongoing 35 years. After reading the excuses in this article, I say that these are justifications for women who are losers in their lives. They are selfish and self-serving. I do not empathize nor sympathize with these cheating women. I don't believe that they will ever have meaningful relationships with any husband. Nothing can come that is good when one is deceitful, selfish, and a liar. I feel sorry for the men who will come into their lives.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

At least it wasn't an article in Salon. "I cheated because of the cisheteronormative patriarchy, global warming, capitalism, the Koch brothers, racism, Islamophobia and of course, the damn Jews....."


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

I always find it ironic how many times the "sudden" discovery of how unhappy a person is in a marriage always coincides with finding the new "soulmate".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

It boils down to wanting to ride a different stiff one.

They can dress it up in flowery language and point a finger at their spouse, but that's it in a nutshell.


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## BrutalHonesty (Apr 5, 2015)

honcho said:


> I always find it ironic how many times the "sudden" discovery of how unhappy a person is in a marriage always coincides with finding the new "soulmate".
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Rationalization hamster:


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Same reason men do I suppose, because they want to.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

workindad said:


> Same reason men do I suppose, because they want to.


 :iagree:


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think when people are hit with an overwhelming urge to do WHAT THEY WANT, they will find ways to justify it that don't paint them as awful bits of humanity. We see this here every day with the rewriting of marital history. This isn't confined to women, either. Men do exactly the same thing, in my experience; it's just the rationales that are different.

As a woman, however, I can say that I don't feel impulses to rewrite history in order to give myself a pass to do something questionable. I have never cheated and never would. I am constitutionally incapable. Relationships are far too difficult, in my opinion, to throw the deceit and stupidity of cheating into the mix. I think there are lots of women like me out there.

This list is a list of excuses, not reasons.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> At least it wasn't an article in Salon. "I cheated because of the cisheteronormative patriarchy, global warming, capitalism, the Koch brothers, racism, Islamophobia and of course, the damn Jews....."


When did Jezebel acquire Salon?


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

Runs like Dog said:


> At least it wasn't an article in Salon. "I cheated because of the cisheteronormative patriarchy, global warming, capitalism, the Koch brothers, racism, Islamophobia and of course, the damn Jews....."


Gotta fit an obligatory "It was Bush' fault." in there as well.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Cheaters could probably all be reconstituted from one little batch of concentrate. It would contain highly extracted needs for attention, ego stroking (compliments), control, and be completely without a trace of responsibility.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

I think my favorite is "Sex had become like showing up for an arm physical."

So, sex with the husband, is unpleasant and painful. 

Sex with OM? Oh, that is great and fun.


Jeez, this list seems to pretty much hit home saying "When the man cheats, it's his fault. When his wife cheats, its his fault."

God, why would any man get married today?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Broken at 20 said:


> I think my favorite is "Sex had become like showing up for an arm physical."
> 
> So, sex with the husband, is unpleasant and painful.
> 
> ...


You, of course have no idea what sex was like with her husband. It might very well have been just like an 'arm physical'.

Sex in marriage is not always a wonderful thing. Some people can be very bad sex partners.

We see people here often telling men to go ahead and cheat when their marital sex lives are very lacking.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

michzz said:


> It boils down to wanting to ride a different stiff one.
> 
> They can dress it up in flowery language and point a finger at their spouse, but that's it in a nutshell.


That sums it up. A few of the so called "worst cases" of cheating wives posted here can be explained by the above.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> I think my favorite is "Sex had become like showing up for an arm physical."
> 
> So, sex with the husband, is unpleasant and painful.
> 
> ...


Because you can find a match that won't cheat. You can treat her well, out of love. You can have children born of love. You can find a woman that loves you back. It's just not easy. When you do, it's the most wonderful feeling in the world.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

In virtually every case, the common denominator is a low romantic interest in their husband. To stir the pot, men's actions often lower their wives romantic interest. Girls, tell me I'm wrong.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> Because you can find a match that won't cheat. You can treat her well, out of love. You can have children born of love. You can find a woman that loves you back. It's just not easy. When you do, it's the most wonderful feeling in the world.


Amen brother.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

The title of the article was "what DROVE them to cheat."

Not what excuses they told themselves.
Not reasons why it was okay.

What drove them to the place of vulnerability in which cheating could be seen as a logical or rational decision. 

I'm not suggesting that what theses women did was hunky dory, but I think that as usual, no one can possible see a connection between miserably unhappy and vulnerable to cheat and then cheating!

I understand there are exceptions and perhaps 1 or 2 of you had batsh!t crazy wives with an entitled princess complex. And frankly, if that was your wife...you are so better off with out her.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> The title of the article was "what DROVE them to cheat."
> 
> Not what excuses they told themselves.
> Not reasons why it was okay.
> ...


No one is driven to cheat unless they don't have a way to get there on their own. Sorry, I just won't swallow that ever. He may have been the biggest jerk in the world, but he didn't force her to cheat. 

I am not excusing the behavior of the BS in the marriage. I had choices too. I could have done something sooner. Yes, I was blind. I was not paying attention. I was not meeting needs. Those are on me and I have to understand that I did something or many things wrong which helped create problems in our marriage. They did not, nor ever cause her to cheat, nor anyone else. I am saying there were many outlets along the way which were not chosen, for either. I'm saying the WS kept making choices that led to cheating. The BS who did not cheat, kept making choices that led to a separation or divorce at worst.

If it's that bad, get out. Don't torture yourself any longer. Separation is minimum. It's just not right to believe an adult in the US today can not find another choice than an affair. I don't know what options women in some countries have where they are treated unfairly. I feel very sorry for them and wish they could be living in a better society. 

You can believe as you will. If she is forced, it's rape. I cannot see another answer.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> No one is driven to cheat unless they don't have a way to get there on their own. Sorry, I just won't swallow that ever. He may have been the biggest jerk in the world, but he didn't force her to cheat.
> 
> I am not excusing the behavior of the BS in the marriage. I had choices too. I could have done something sooner. Yes, I was blind. I was not paying attention. I was not meeting needs. Those are on me and I have to understand that I did something or many things wrong which helped create problems in our marriage. They did not, nor ever cause her to cheat, nor anyone else. I am saying there were many outlets along the way which were not chosen, for either. I'm saying the WS kept making choices that led to cheating. The BS who did not cheat, kept making choices that led to a separation or divorce at worst.
> 
> ...


2nt, YOU did not drive her to cheat. It was the problems in the marriage that existed that drove her to the point where she was vulnerable to cheating. The decision to cheat was all hers. As you say, she had plenty of other options and instead of doing the right thing she went with something else entirely.

You know that you are better off without her. Now if we could just get that painful experience downgraded to the point where it no longer has a hold on you...


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> 2nt, YOU did not drive her to cheat. It was the problems in the marriage that existed that drove her to the point where she was vulnerable to cheating. The decision to cheat was all hers. As you say, she had plenty of other options and instead of doing the right thing she went with something else entirely.
> 
> You know that you are better off without her. Now if we could just get that painful experience downgraded to the point where it no longer has a hold on you...


I think it was her character, the fact that she was so willing to cheat, possibly even thinking that she might get away with it, if I changed enough or whatever. Remember, I and many other BS were married to them. We went through the same bad times. Why didn't we cheat? See what I mean?

I wish I could too, but I doubt it will happen. Much more than just cheating happened that brought me to this place in life, but most of it was due to her affair, her partner(s) and what I went through. I couldn't handle it. I was that vulnerable. I doubt I will allow myself to even touch another woman. Alone is safe right now. It's not comforting.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

There is usually something to learn from hearing what others have to say if we can decipher what's useful and what's not. In this case though most BSs and WSs only hear bla-bla-bla from the other's point of view. So BSs who are objective and know how to parse useful pieces of information should read and think about it. That rules out almost anyone who's betrayal is still raw. None of us are objective during that time.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> I understand there are exceptions and perhaps 1 or 2 of you had batsh!t crazy wives with an entitled princess complex. And frankly, if that was your wife...you are so better off with out her.


There is at least 1, me. My XWW suffered from a bad case of EPS (entitled princess syndrome). And yes, I am a hell of a lot better off without her.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

I think it safe to say I got the crazy one. I wish she would just let go so I could be better off. 

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

When people say they were 'driven to cheat' or were 'vulnerable to cheating,' it infantilizes the person, in my opinion. It implicitly removes the agency and responsibility from the person who is cheating.

If a husband or wife is acting in ways to reduce the romantic interest of a spouse (nod to Phoenix here), then it isn't a given by any means that cheating is the next step. To me, all of the factors that are contributory are just that, factors. They are not a cause with an inevitable effect.

If I lost romantic interest in my H, I would have many, many options for reactions. Certainly, I could cheat - anyone can decide to do that at any time - but my lack of romantic interest (or any other factor) doesn't compel me to choose infidelity from among the many reactions I could have.

And for the men here: You should go to some of the comparable sites that are dominated by BW's. You would read the most horrific stories (it's like 'Queen for a Day,' seriously). The WH's behave Badly, capital B. Marriage isn't just a challenge in this regard for men. Women are treated just as badly by their husbands & that is a sad commentary, in my opinion.


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## Daniel. (Jan 14, 2015)

alte Dame said:


> When people say they were 'driven to cheat' or were 'vulnerable to cheating,' it infantilizes the person, in my opinion. It implicitly removes the agency and responsibility from the person who is cheating.
> 
> If a husband or wife is acting in ways to reduce the romantic interest of a spouse (nod to Phoenix here), then it isn't a given by any means that cheating is the next step. To me, all of the factors that are contributory are just that, factors. They are not a cause with an inevitable effect.


Which is why i have given up on local MCs, all of them said it's not the loyal spouse's responsibility of the affair BUT they have responsibility in creating a marriage situation that is vulnerable to affair. WTF ? To me that sentence is synonym to "BS has driven the cheater to affair". Why not say creating a marriage situation that needed MC ? No responsibility at all


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Typical cheater bullsh*t.

Why is it that cheaters, of either sex. can so quickly rattle off a detailed list of all the faults of their BS and why they were so unhappy in the M.....but if you were to ask them to simply explain WHY they thought a POS AP, a person more than willing to pursue and f*ck around with a MARRIED individual, was suddenly so appealing to them, they probably would not be able to come up with a single thing to say.

What I mean is, if you asked any of these cheaters, BEFORE THEIR A's, if they would ever want to be in a relationship with a person who chased M people, I would bet money that EVERY SINGLE ONE of them would have instantly said 'hell no'.

Cheaters are so focused on justifying their sh*t and detailing their complaints that they cannot even see how f*cked up they have allowed themselves and their own moral values to become.

The only one of these women that I give a pass to is the woman who had an RA on her constantly cheating H.

I know many do not believe in RA's, but personally I have no problem with giving a cheater a taste of their own medicine and a clear message that they can be just as easily replaced as their BS....since most of them have an over-inflated sense of their own value and worth as a partner or spouse, I think popping their ego bubble is not necessarily a bad thing.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Dyokemm said:


> Typical cheater bullsh*t.
> 
> Why is it that cheaters, of either sex. can so quickly rattle off a detailed list of all the faults of their BS and why they were so unhappy in the M.....but if you were to ask them to simply explain WHY they thought a POS AP, a person more than willing to pursue and f*ck around with a MARRIED individual, was suddenly so appealing to them, they probably would not be able to come up with a single thing to say.


Because the WS has had to override feelings for the BS and conscience with a consistent mental onslaught of negativity to continue involvement when they know deep inside, it's wrong and will likely deeply hurt their spouse. 

Attraction cannot be explained. 



Dyokemm said:


> What I mean is, if you asked any of these cheaters, BEFORE THEIR A's, if they would ever want to be in a relationship with a person who chased M people, I would bet money that EVERY SINGLE ONE of them would have instantly said 'hell no'.


They sometimes will justify with something along the lines of, "It's just sex", in order to minimize the act in their mind and tell themselves their BS who loves them, will find another. It's sort of odd since by telling the BS that, they are subconsciously lowering their own value. They have told themselves they aren't special. It's another way of lowering their own value enough to have sex with an AP.



Dyokemm said:


> Cheaters are so focused on justifying their sh*t and detailing their complaints that they cannot even see how f*cked up they have allowed themselves and their own moral values to become.


Add in the "fog" from the mixture of chemicals in the brain that make men and women into lap dogs and you have a blind willingness to search for and find something they can't usually define. They just know they aren't happy with what they had/have. 



Dyokemm said:


> The only one of these women that I give a pass to is the woman who had an RA on her constantly cheating H.
> 
> I know many do not believe in RA's, but personally I have no problem with giving a cheater a taste of their own medicine and a clear message that they can be just as easily replaced as their BS....since most of them have an over-inflated sense of their own value and worth as a partner or spouse, I think popping their ego bubble is not necessarily a bad thing.


I don't know. I guess for me, I could understand the desire for revenge. That's one form. It could even lead to a realisation that the WS is not the best choice. The only trouble I have with that is, the WS' actions did not push them to do that. The WS' actions did not control the BS in any way. I actually had a few, I think three or four chances to become a vengeance oriented WS and could not do anything. 

The bottom line for me in all of those cases, and it took me this long to figure out, was that there was a feeling at some point, that came over me and stopped me. I can only describe that feeling as guilt from a conscience. That's not a dig at anyone. I just don't know how else to describe it in a general fashion. Maybe it was G-d or JC or a guardian angel, I don't know. It certainly came through loud and clear without attraction involved at some point which was prior to actually doing anything, but was certainly a time where I had to make a decision to take if further or stop there. This was long before any real EA. It was just a place where there was reciprocation in a look or a few words. It's difficult to know exactly, but it happened each and every time, and I had to make a decision alone. It wasn't shouted to all. It came from within. That is likely a similar occurrence in everyone that is not truly mentally ill or impaired.

I don't know why I wrote an explanation of my thoughts and opinions. Take it for what it's worth to you. It's the best I can figure at this point in time.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think WS's often have very inflated senses of self. I read so many threads here and just think to myself, 'Yeah, right, you're such a prize.' The BS who begs and pleads does him/herself a huge disservice, not, in my opinion, because it actually never has the desired effect, but because the WS is simply pretty much never worth prostrating yourself over. I really wish more BS's were like bff or the new legend, SpaceGhost. Both of these men saw right away that trying to reconcile would mean a rancid future and life is too short for that.

If a man told me that I drove him to cheat, I would smile and wave goodbye. Let him have at it. He would not be a prize worth fighting over. (And I understand the issues of children. I would still show him the door. I want some peace in my life and don't deserve being jerked around by someone who could care less if he hurts me.)


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## Maria Canosa Gargano (Jan 30, 2015)

alte Dame said:


> I think WS's often have very inflated senses of self. I read so many threads here and just think to myself, 'Yeah, right, you're such a prize.' The BS who begs and pleads does him/herself a huge disservice, not, in my opinion, because it actually never has the desired effect, but because the WS is simply pretty much never worth prostrating yourself over. I really wish more BS's were like bff or the new legend, SpaceGhost. Both of these men saw right away that trying to reconcile would mean a rancid future and life is too short for that.
> 
> If a man told me that I drove him to cheat, I would smile and wave goodbye. Let him have at it. He would not be a prize worth fighting over. (And I understand the issues of children. I would still show him the door. I want some peace in my life and don't deserve being jerked around by someone who could care less if he hurts me.)


It's easy to say that, especially with all of the training you have had here to recognize the signs of infidelity and the psychology behind it.

Its much harder when it happens to you seemingly out of no where and you have no tools on how to handle it.

I am not rejecting your belief on that. I think that way too. But I can see how many people come on here devastated and without a plan.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It's actually not at all easy for me to say that. I've had my own experiences and know my own reactions. I understand that people are different and certainly different from me, but I also have a long experience of myself. There actually are people out there whose love dies when the trust goes and I appear to be one of them.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

ReidWright said:


> Women Reveal What Drove Them To Cheat On Their Husbands
> 
> 
> typical excuses


Strange... I found every single story there credible.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

*What drove them to Cheat?*

In my wife's case... a 2003 Ford Explorer.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> I think WS's often have very inflated senses of self. I read so many threads here and just think to myself, 'Yeah, right, you're such a prize.' The BS who begs and pleads does him/herself a huge disservice, not, in my opinion, because it actually never has the desired effect, but because the WS is simply pretty much never worth prostrating yourself over. I really wish more BS's were like bff or the new legend, SpaceGhost. Both of these men saw right away that trying to reconcile would mean a rancid future and life is too short for that.
> 
> If a man told me that I drove him to cheat, I would smile and wave goodbye. Let him have at it. He would not be a prize worth fighting over. (And I understand the issues of children. I would still show him the door. I want some peace in my life and don't deserve being jerked around by someone who could care less if he hurts me.)


Then you clearly must have a job that pays well enough to support you and kids, or have a trust fund or whatever. And you must also have a support group or person that you can talk to because leaving a spouse isn't an easy thing to do without support.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

sidney2718 said:


> Strange... I found every single story there credible.


:iagree:


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

alte Dame said:


> And for the men here: You should go to some of the comparable sites that are dominated by BW's. You would read the most horrific stories (it's like 'Queen for a Day,' seriously). The WH's behave Badly, capital B. Marriage isn't just a challenge in this regard for men. Women are treated just as badly by their husbands & that is a sad commentary, in my opinion.


I think the major difference is that most of the men are a lot more honest about their motivation for cheating: they wanted to eff as many women as they can.

I do not doubt that men can be equally evil.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

sidney2718 said:


> Then you clearly must have a job that pays well enough to support you and kids, or have a trust fund or whatever. And you must also have a support group or person that you can talk to because leaving a spouse isn't an easy thing to do without support.


You must not live in the United States or Western Europe then. We have this concept called child support. It's a massive industry of lawyers, courts and bureaucrats that will take the money at the point of a gun if needed.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

Even the article title offers insight. The women quoted didn't just cheat...... Their husbands "drove" them to do it.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

sidney2718 said:


> Then you clearly must have a job that pays well enough to support you and kids, or have a trust fund or whatever. And you must also have a support group or person that you can talk to because leaving a spouse isn't an easy thing to do without support.


I left my first husband after years of being a SAHM without much support. Not because he cheated but because he was a jerk, so I'm just saying it can be done. I got a job, lived frugally and drove an old car, got some child support, and worked by butt off to better myself.

Today I'm a pretty highly paid professional who's currently not getting child support as my ex gets himself on his feet after retiring from the military. I'm also remarried to a great guy.

It can be done. But I've never been a victim, I play the hands I'm dealt in life and take control over what I can while not worrying too much about what I can't.


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## Maria Canosa Gargano (Jan 30, 2015)

I don't think its about if it can be done or not, but I think to have some compassion and understanding that for some others, that life changing decision may not be so easy or may not have the same positive outcome. 

From what I have seen though, it has almost always had a positive outcome leaving.


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## RV9 (Sep 29, 2014)

Men, women - does it matter? There are two kinds of people, those who cheat and those who won't. Those who cheat should stick with their own kind and leave others in peace.


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## Maria Canosa Gargano (Jan 30, 2015)

alte Dame said:


> It's actually not at all easy for me to say that. I've had my own experiences and know my own reactions. I understand that people are different and certainly different from me, but I also have a long experience of myself. There actually are people out there whose love dies when the trust goes and I appear to be one of them.


Yeah I knew my post sounded adversarial. I wasn't trying to sound aggressive and I did try to point out that I agree with you. I think I still sounded too aggressive and made it sound like I knew your thoughts. 

I'm sorry. Even though I didn't mean to come off that way I did. I will try to pick my words out better next time.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

sidney2718 said:


> Strange... I found every single story there credible.


 You do know "credible" and "excuse" are not mutually exclusive?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Maria Canosa Gargano said:


> Yeah I knew my post sounded adversarial. I wasn't trying to sound aggressive and I did try to point out that I agree with you. I think I still sounded too aggressive and made it sound like I knew your thoughts.
> 
> I'm sorry. Even though I didn't mean to come off that way I did. I will try to pick my words out better next time.


No need to apologize, Maria. I didn't take it the way you think.

We all have our opinions and I respect that. I'm actually very sensitive to the pain that we hear about here every day and don't assume that everybody has my mindset. I know you don't assume that, either.


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## Colonel Angus (Apr 11, 2015)

A whole lot of cheating spouses have voids inside their souls. No amount of attention or affection will ever be enough to fill them, nor stop them from straying.


If I overstayed my welcome, just tap me on the head.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Colonel Angus said:


> A whole lot of cheating spouses have voids inside their souls. No amount of attention or affection will ever be enough to fill them, nor stop them from straying.
> 
> 
> If I overstayed my welcome, just tap me on the head.


The whole enchilada boiled into two sentences. Good work. Its possible that weaving "compliments" in there might have been good, but still, you've captured skunk in the funk.


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

.......it's .....of course ....never their fault. I'm shocked. 

.......is there a class they take to learn these lame excuses?


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Hurtin_Still said:


> .......it's .....of course ....never their fault. I'm shocked.
> 
> .......is there a class they take to learn these lame excuses?


I used to joke with friends that when you got your marriage license one spouse would be randomly selected to get the "secret book of the script" along with the card of a lawyer. 
Its all probably some secret government experiment haha.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

honcho said:


> I used to joke with friends that when you got your marriage license one spouse would be randomly selected to get the "secret book of the script" along with the card of a lawyer.
> Its all probably some secret government experiment haha.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Haha that explains a lot honcho. My first wife was given the script and she used it. Years later when my second wife and I married, I bet the scientist involved realized that I knew the script from having it used on me so they didn't give a script to me or my wife. They were seeing if I would pay it forward. It makes sense now .


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> What drove them to the place of vulnerability in which cheating could be seen as a logical or rational decision.
> 
> I'm not suggesting that what theses women did was hunky dory, but I think that as usual, no one can possible see a connection between miserably unhappy and vulnerable to cheat and then cheating!
> 
> I understand there are exceptions and perhaps 1 or 2 of you had batsh!t crazy wives with an entitled princess complex. And frankly, if that was your wife...you are so better off with out her.


Hoo my God Anon and her "let's justify whatever we women do" again

I am guessing the vulnerability excuse is just acceptable in women cases.

No Anon No, no men or women are justified, if you don't like it then just get out of that marraige, I am never going to accpet that divorcing after cheating is better than divircing without cheating, if your example were valid then all those women as vulnerable and miserable as you describe could have easily divorce and begin a new relationship without cheating or they jus discover they vulnerability and misery after cheating?


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *He stopped saying 'I love you.'*
> "I married the wrong man and made the 'easier' choice in life by being with him. It didn't become clear to me how wrong he was for me until we had a child. I turned to the right man for comfort for many years and hid it because I wanted my family to remain under the same roof. The biggest reason I strayed was the complete lack of attention I was shown. No birthday or Christmas cards, no gifts. He stopped saying 'I love you.' We went from having sex once a week before the baby to every couple months after the baby, to eventually once a year. It's really easy to fall out of love when you feel like your spouse is a roommate you co-parent with." -Krista R.


He stopped saying I love you is very weak and sounds like a teenager. No attention in many areas and sex once a year is a serious situation. Deceit and lies for many years by Krista is a cop out. If Krista was a decent woman she would have told him he has to change his failures and if he does not then divorce him and then go screw anyone you want.







> *I wanted my husband to feel the same pain he’d introduced to me*
> I cheated on my husband because he cheated on me. That’s the sad and simple truth. After spending six years with a man who couldn’t stop cheating on me I was emotionally exhausted, depleted and lingering at rock bottom. I cheated out of an overwhelming desire to have someone give me back some of the love and attention I’d been giving my husband with nothing in return. I cheated because I was desperate for someone to love me with the same ferocious first-love intensity that I’d given my husband. I cheated with my high school boyfriend because I was angry, hurt and wanted my husband to feel the same pain he’d introduced to me six years ago and had never tried to work on, despite knowing that it was breaking me down. I cheated because I no longer loved myself and hoped that someone, anyone could hand me some self-worth, a little bit of love and help me begin again." -Lindsay T.


Revenge; usually turns out very badly!
A possible better way:	If you have a spouse that will not quit cheating then divorce before you lose your self-worth. Never let your spouse ruin your self-worth and be pro-active.










> *It just happened*
> "I truly believe that most people, who have affairs, or even zipless sex, are doing so because they are seeking something that is fundamentally lacking in their relationship. As for me, cheating on my spouse wasn’t a specific, conscious, considered act. I didn’t wake up one day and think, 'Hey, I think I’d like to have an affair.' It just happened -- which is probably very hard to comprehend if you haven’t actually been in the situation. A professional relationship became a friendship, became a flirtation, became an infatuation, became an affair, and became demise. It’s much like drinking a great bottle of wine with dinner. You don’t set out to get drunk but the taste, combined with the other flavors on the plate, the sounds and smells of the room, the soothing, warm feeling of relaxing into the entire sensory environment, allows you to take a sip, then another, then another, then refill your glass, and then at some point you look around and realize that you have a buzz, but your senses are so ripe that you keep sipping, even though you know you should stop because you’re going to get drunk and be hungover the next day." -Sara Cornell


*This one is so full of bullshyt that it does not deserve a reply!*






> *It’s easy for harmless friendships to progress to something more when you are unhappy at home*
> "I think it's important for people to realize that an affair can be the last thing on your mind but that it's easy for harmless friendships to progress into something more when you're unhappy at home. I was with my husband nearly 11 years. I had been primarily supporting us financially and emotionally for seven years and as the sole breadwinner of four. I met a man in one of my continuing education classes and what followed was eight months of conflicted feelings, marriage counseling, ultimatums and anything else I could think of to save our marriage before I gave into an affair. Three months later, I was so exhausted and torn I left my husband even though he had forgiven me for cheating. About a month later, I started exclusively dating the other man I was involved with and asked my husband for a divorce. I still feel terrible about it. The affair wasn't the reason I left but I wonder if I would have had the strength to realize how unhappy I was without it happening. I still love my husband but I knew he'd never change so I had to walk away." -Melissa C.


If Melissa would have told her husband that she was going to have an affair because she tried everything and he did not change; then that would have been a lot better. Melissa would not “…feel so terrible about it” if she was honest and up front.








> *I allowed myself to become infatuated with another man*
> Cheating on my ex-husband isn't something I'm proud of and I would never do it again. The question I get asked a lot is why? Why did I cheat? Back then I would have given you a whole list of reasons: there was a communication breakdown, he had vices, and he didn't take care of himself. But in retrospect, the one reason that stands out is how confused I was about how life and relationships work. I thought once my husband changed, everything would be OK. I couldn't see that my feelings of frustration over our relationship weren't about his behavior, it was about me: I created the negative mood through my negative thoughts. Then I allowed myself to become infatuated with another man. Things would have been very different if I had adjusted my way of thinking." -Marina Pearson


Marina just admitted that the cheating was her fault and she is not proud of that.







> *My husband encouraged it*
> "I didn't have an affair like most people do. There was no sneaking around or lying to my husband. Actually, it was all in plain sight right until the very end. I was best friends with a guy for 17 years. He was the person I confided in when I was sad, when something amazing happened, honestly, anytime anything of note happened. The surprising thing is my husband encouraged it. If I came to my spouse with some big problem, he would tell me to go have lunch with my friend and tell him about it. So I did. At first I thought I was doing what was best for my husband because he worked so much and didn't need my problems. But after a while, I pulled further away from him. On our five year anniversary I told him he had one year to get his act together and become the man our children and I needed him to be. Ten months later, I was in marriage counseling with my soon-to-be ex-husband, begging for a divorce, sleeping with my best friend and watching my whole world fall apart." -Corina S.


At least Corina was upfront and told her husband before she had an affair! The blaming of the husband is weak and probably just an excuse.








> *I was lonely and unhappy for years*
> "After telling my husband I was lonely and unhappy for years, he continued to travel for months at a time until I finally found someone else. Having that fling forced me to admit I wanted a divorce and to tell him in no uncertain terms that I was done." -Andrea H.


If Andrea was lonely because her husband’s work required him to travel then she is using that as a cop out. Andrea is a cheater without remorse.








> *I wanted someone who would sleep with me*
> "After eight years, it was a relationship that had lost all romantic love. I wanted to travel; he wanted to stay at home. I wanted children, he did not. I wanted someone who would sleep with me, he seemed disinterested. I wanted to take on opportunities and be challenged, he wanted to be comfortable. I went to work in the West Bank for three months, he stayed at home. While I knew I was not happy in my relationship, I thought that maybe that was just how it was going to be. One night while in the West Bank I went out to a bar with friends and across the room I saw the most beautiful man I have ever laid eyes on. We met, we danced, we talked, and we swapped phone numbers. It was the beginning of the most intense and wild romantic relationship I have ever been in. When I returned home, I told my ex-husband I wanted to separate but I never told him about the other man, who I continued to see for a year before we ended things. Today I'm engaged to a man who wants to travel, be challenged, have children and sleep with me. While I will always feel terrible that I was unfaithful, it showed me what I wanted and needed and forced me to get out of a relationship that was not right for me." -Rose M.


Rose was sneaky and not up front with her husband and that is why she “… will always feel terrible” about being a cheat.







> *Sex had become like showing up for an army physical.*
> "My marriage lasted over 10 years. I couldn't make him happy and he couldn't make me happy. Sex had become like showing up for an army physical. I just did it and told him it was great. Did I make a mistake in not telling him my desires? Of course, but you have to trust your partner to do that. That was one of the core issues with us. He seemed to have a distrust of women in general that seemed almost pathological. If I took too long running errands I got quizzed on my whereabouts. It felt like I was being accused of an affair. I would joke with my girlfriends that I should be allowed a free pass to cheat since I had been accused so many times. Eventually I just wanted more: more positive communication, more kindness, more desire, just more. So I cheated. I actively looked for a man to fit the bill of what I wanted. I found one and the sex was spectacular. It had been years since I had that kind of desire for someone. It was a foreign feeling. I realized I wasn't dead inside like I was afraid I had become. That's when I knew I needed to get a divorce. I finally gathered the courage to get one. There are never good reasons for why people cheat but I learned a while back not to throw stones at people for their decisions because ultimately, you're only responsible for your life, not theirs." -Susan M.


Susan was not honest with her husband before or during her cheating. At least Susan admitted that 
“There are never good reasons for why people cheat”




*In the above situations there are some good reasons for divorce but none for cheating.* If I were in a marriage like some of those women I would divorce also. In some of the above cases the women were lying, being sneaky, not up front, had loss of integrity and in some they felt terrible and were weak and cop-outs. I do not doubt that some of the husbands were failing miserably in some areas but betrayal is the worst failing in a marriage and hurts the whole family including the cheater.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

They're discussing this same article on Askmen dot com (relationship message board) right now.

Very different responses to it.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Well, lets see here....treat her like crap all day, barely say a kind word to or about her, treat yourself to expensive toys and trips while she doesn't even have decent clothing, you forget her birthday and Mother's Day and spend an entire 30 minutes in Walmart buying her Christmas gifts, you leer at women on the street and TV and make comments about how hot they are in front of her.

Then of course be pissed when you don't get sex at the end of the day. 

Yeah, that might be the reason that when someone else comes along with kind words of affirmation and a little positive attention she liked it.

Who could have guessed....

While we are on our high and mighty moral soap boxes, lets not forget that everyone is human. 

Years of neglect can produce some unintended consequences.


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

I know a lot of people who have been cheated on and a few cheaters. I've gotta say, cheating is actually, a complex issue.

Sometimes, the cheater is really just a selfish, self centered, entitled jerk. They lie, manipulate, etc. Those are the worst ones. 

Sometimes, they do get caught up. Things do sneak up and then when they realize that they are having feelings they should not have based on interactions that should not have been continuing, its too late. I'll call these bad boundary enforcement cheaters. It was clear that it was bound to happen, but they did not believe it till it did.

Sometimes, the betrayed spouse is failing as a spouse. (cue the angry responses) In truth, they are blind to their partners needs. If they feel happy, they can't conceive that their spouse is not. They help (unintentionally) create the void that someone else fills. When it hits the fan, they go all "I treated my spouse royally and I was happy" when in fact, they ignored the signs that their spouse was unfulfilled. Providing a roof or caring for kids does not make one a good spouse. Sorry, but it doesn't. 

There are many other variants. You have the folks who were messed up growing up, never had good examples of good relationships, and all points in between.

Marriage is hard work and sometimes one or both fail to do what is needed. Cheaters own the decision to cheat 100%. They could have just divorced. I guess my point is that sometimes, the state of the marriage prior to the affair is a major contributor as well. I don't pardon the cheater, I don't excuse them, but I will acknowledge that sometimes the reasons that they give are the real reasons. 

Let's be honest, sexual and emotional fidelity are not the only things needed to make a marriage. I will liken it to drunk driving. Two go to a bar to drink. Both get into a car and the driver, who is drunk, crashes. whose fault was it? Answer: The driver. They didn't have to drive. Both played a part in what led them to get into the car in that condition, but only one went that extra step.

To be clear, I don't excuse cheaters. In fact, I get angry at those betrayed who reconcile as I don't think cheaters deserve their marriages anymore. Still, I think the issue is more complex. No offense meant to anyone.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

LonelyinLove said:


> *Well, lets see here....treat her like crap all day, barely say a kind word to or about her, *treat yourself to expensive toys and trips while she doesn't even have decent clothing, you forget her birthday and Mother's Day and spend an entire 30 minutes in Walmart buying her Christmas gifts, you leer at women on the street and TV and make comments about how hot they are in front of her.
> 
> Then of course be pissed when you don't get sex at the end of the day.
> 
> ...


I suppose there are 2 groups of people who are commenting on this article: 1)) those who have been cheated on and 2) those who have cheated or who are thinking about cheating.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I think the issue surrounding a decision to cheat IS more complex. Still, there is nothing a spouse can do to stop someone from cheating. If they want to cheat, they will find a reason/excuse/justification. If they want to divorce and find a better spouse, they will find a reason/excuse/justification. 

The reasons may be valid for the dysfunctional marriage. A spouse's feelings aren't wrong. It's what they feel and there is a reason for it. Sometimes it's one spouse who wasn't ready for marriage. Sometimes it's both. Sometimes it's...... None of those valid reasons drove them to cheat. They could have been driven to divorce, counseling, separation, or just talk and compromise at any point along the way and depending on the seriousness of the issues and the willingness of both spouses to compromise and communicate. 

That's the difference. The desire to cheat was stronger than the desire to divorce and move on or any number of other things.

Bottom line: They wanted to....


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> I suppose there are 2 groups of people who are commenting on this article: 1)) those who have been cheated on and 2) those who have cheated or who are thinking about cheating.


My H had a drunken one night stand a long time ago and I have a daughter who was cheated on by her POS ex-husband.

Neither one of us cheated. 

I'm not saying it's okay to cheat.

I'm saying that not everything is black or white.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

LonelyinLove said:


> My H had a drunken one night stand a long time ago and I have a daughter who was cheated on by her POS ex-husband.
> 
> Neither one of us cheated.
> 
> ...


Did he want to have that ONS or was he impaired enough by alcohol that he couldn't decide for himself? 

Even in this situation, he didn't just walk in and say, hey let's have sex, to some woman, unless he paid her. He had to talk some. Drink some. Flirt. Joke and so forth. She had to be receptive. Even if she asked, he could have said no. If he asked, he had a choice to ask or not, right? 

See what I mean? He wanted to somewhere in the back of his mind. He was probably thinking about it and slowly over time, found justification for it, unless he is devoid of a conscience and guilt? 

Somewhere, somehow along the way, he chose to do it. It would take some serious thought to figure out where, why and how. I'm sorry. I just can't believe it's anything else, and I don't mean to hurt your feelings.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> Did he want to have that ONS or was he impaired enough by alcohol that he couldn't decide for himself?


It could have been the unintended consequence of years of neglect.


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## Daniel. (Jan 14, 2015)

Funny it's never because i wanted it, because i made it happened, because i didn't think i'd get caught, because i didn't control myself etc etc. Men and women

I've been both WS and BS, and i can say that cheating is black and white matter. I'm not saying this from a mighty moral soap box, it's not even about moral it's about integrity and duty to my family. I did cheat and i won't do it again but i have never and will never described cheating as a gray thing. Either you're sorry or you're not about the act. Take the responsibility or not

As a human you have a free will, if someone treat you like cr4p then do something. IC,MC,Separation,Divorce are just one of so many choices.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

RWB said:


> *What drove them to Cheat?*
> 
> In my wife's case... a 2003 Ford Explorer.


You know, you're onto something. My ex-wife drove our Mitsuubishi Montero to go cheat.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Colonel Angus said:


> A whole lot of cheating spouses have voids inside their souls. No amount of attention or affection will ever be enough to fill them, nor stop them from straying.
> 
> 
> If I overstayed my welcome, just tap me on the head.


Ah....of Course you are referring to the incident at "Big Beaver"....


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

manticore said:


> Hoo my God Anon and her "let's justify whatever we women do" again
> 
> I am guessing the vulnerability excuse is just acceptable in women cases.
> 
> No Anon No, no men or women are justified, if you don't like it then just get out of that marraige, I am never going to accpet that divorcing after cheating is better than divircing without cheating, if your example were valid then all those women as vulnerable and miserable as you describe could have easily divorce and begin a new relationship without cheating or they jus discover they vulnerability and misery after cheating?


TBH, it feels rather rude, not to mention extremely annoying, that you feel the need to continually accuse me of some fictitious POV without even trying to back it up.

I know English is not your native language but I think you can read better than what you've demonstrated above!

Please quote where I say cheating is justified?
Please quote where I say divorcing after cheating is better than divorcing without cheating?
Please quote where I "justify whatever we women do.."?
Please explain what the hell you mean by: "...or they jus discover they vulnerability and misery after cheating?"

If you cannot quote me as I've asked above, please stop attacking me. You are clearly making this some sort of personal vendetta and I find it tiring.


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## loyallad (Aug 1, 2014)

Daniel. said:


> Funny it's never because i wanted it, because i made it happened, because i didn't think i'd get caught, because i didn't control myself etc etc. Men and women
> 
> I've been both WS and BS, and i can say that cheating is black and white matter. I'm not saying this from a mighty moral soap box, it's not even about moral it's about integrity and duty to my family. I did cheat and i won't do it again but i have never and will never described cheating as a gray thing. Either you're sorry or you're not about the act. Take the responsibility or not
> *Might not make a BS feel better at the time but it would be easier in the long run if the WS would at least own it whether they were sorry or not.*
> As a human you have a free will, if someone treat you like cr4p then do something. IC,MC,Separation,Divorce are just one of so many choices.


*Agree with this but the WS often opts for the A because as crappy as a marriage might be they just don't have it in them to choose something other than an A.

The ones that have A even when things are not so bad are the ones that are all so selfish. My WW told me the POSOM would always tell her how beautiful she was and I didn't tell her that enough. Well I'll be damned! The first slick SOB to come along and blow a little sunshine up her skirt got her to look his way. That's it folks I didn't tell her every time she passed by how beautiful she was. Guess it didn't matter that POSOM was married. Wonder how often he was telling his wife how beautiful she was? Oh that's right things weren't so great between POSOM and his BW. That makes everything okay.:rofl:*


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## Colonel Angus (Apr 11, 2015)

If some people believe that there are shades of grey when it comes to infidelity, the same can be said of rape itself. Just don't try to tell that in a forum full of rape victims.



SamuraiJack said:


> Ah....of Course you are referring to the incident at "Big Beaver"....


Yes indeed sir, down south.



If I overstayed my welcome, just tap me on the head.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

A car?


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

A BMW Z4M drove my wife to cheat. I knew I should have never bought that car for her. Dang!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Colonel Angus said:


> If some people believe that there are shades of grey when it comes to infidelity, the same can be said of rape itself. Just don't try to tell that in a forum full of rape victims.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Why is rape always brought into these discussions?

Actually there are shades of gray in rape.

There's the brutal son of a b!tch who beats and rapes a 9 year old and then there is the drunken 17 year old with an equally drunk 15 year old he's been dating. These are very clearly different in intent as well as repercussions to the victim.


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## Maria Canosa Gargano (Jan 30, 2015)

Colonel Angus said:


> If some people believe that there are shades of grey when it comes to infidelity, the same can be said of rape itself. Just don't try to tell that in a forum full of rape victims.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I was just thinking about this today. 

I was raped.

I don't think there is anything at all that can excuse what he did to me.

However, I stand by the belief that the rapist suffers more in the action than the person getting raped. Why? Because I maintained the most important thing that I have in this life: who I am. I can't choose where I am born, my skin, my wealth or lack thereof, if I live in a country where I have human rights. The only thing I can choose is my integrity. I made that choice before he did that to me and after. He lost it in that moment. He gave up the only true power he had. Same with cheaters.

He got to a point in his life where he was willing to throw that away. I can intellectually and on some level, emotionally understand that. That is where the "shade of grey" comes in for me. Sympathizing with how someone could let themselves get so far. I can do that with cheaters as well. I can sympathize with them.

But I do not agree that there is a shade of grey when it comes to rape. Neither do I think there is with cheating.

I already discussed on a thread a while back on that whole "shades of grey in consent" stuff. I am not getting back into that. But there is no shade of grey with rape.


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## Colonel Angus (Apr 11, 2015)

I would NEVER tell a rape victim that she/he was partly responsible for creating the environment that made the rape possible. There is never, ever any justification for such a heinous crime. Never.




If I overstayed my welcome, just tap me on the head.


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## Maria Canosa Gargano (Jan 30, 2015)

Colonel Angus said:


> I would NEVER tell a rape victim that she/he was partly responsible for creating the environment that made the rape possible. There is never, ever any justification for such a heinous crime. Never.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I know you did not even insinuate it in your first post. I knew you were making the point about the BS being the victim and not the creator of the cheating. The women in the OP, are essentially blaming the victim for making them hurt them. Same as a rapist does to his/her victim.

It is really good to hear this statement as some people will say stupid **** even in this day and age. 

I think it is because that person does not want to believe it can happen to them. As long as they do everything right, it can't happen to them. Whether that is cheating or sexual assault.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Maria Canosa Gargano said:


> I was just thinking about this today.
> 
> I was raped.
> 
> ...


Very powerful post.... I'm so sorry it happened. I am so glad to read your strength and integrity. Wonderful!


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

workindad said:


> Same reason men do I suppose, because they want to.


Yep and bad character. 

Cheating isn't a gender issue. It's a self indulgent issue


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## RaceGirl (Apr 13, 2015)

I've been with my husband for 15 years, I've never cheated on him. And, I should have been! He was emotionally and physically starving me while he was cheating on me for 3 years and I didn't know he was cheating. 

I know the difference between right and wrong.


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## Colonel Angus (Apr 11, 2015)

RaceGirl said:


> I've been with my husband for 15 years, I've never cheated on him. And, I should have been! He was emotionally and physically starving me while he was cheating on me for 3 years and I didn't know he was cheating.
> 
> I know the difference between right and wrong.



Dear lady, you have my condolences. I hope you find peace.



If I overstayed my welcome, just tap me on the head.


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## Daniel. (Jan 14, 2015)

Wow, people's true color can be revealed from a sentence. If my daughter ever date a boy whose parent tells me there are shades of gray in rape i'd tell my girl to GTFO immediately


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By TrulyInLove
> Well, lets see here....treat her like crap all day, barely say a kind word to or about her, treat yourself to expensive toys and trips while she doesn't even have decent clothing, you forget her birthday and Mother's Day and spend an entire 30 minutes in Walmart buying her Christmas gifts, you leer at women on the street and TV and make comments about how hot they are in front of her.
> 
> Then of course be pissed when you don't get sex at the end of the day.
> ...


Who are you referring to when you said “While we are on our high and mighty moral soap boxes, lets not forget that everyone is human” ?

Any spouse that is treated like you have described needs to take actions against him/her. Some of my suggestions would be for the victim to:

1	Get the attorney and serve divorce papers TODAY!

2	Tell him/her they have one chance to make changes and make up their wrongs and that chance starts right NOW. They fail then the divorce papers come certified.

If anyone thinks that being treated like you have described does not warrant serious consequences then they must have an IQ that is the same as their shoe size. 

*
My point is that if your spouse treats you like a dirty dish rag then divorce or put down some rules with sever penalties for violating them but do not become a cheater yourself*. What I DO NOT go for is for the victim to NOT do either the one of two listed above but instead lower themselves to being sneaky, lying, being weak, not confronting the abuser, or rationalizing their cheating because their spouse is a douche bag. 

*Trying to justify cheating by pointing out how bad you have been treated is a cop out that means that you are starting to lower yourself to the level of your douche bag!*


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Mr Blunt said:


> Who are you referring to when you said “While we are on our high and mighty moral soap boxes, lets not forget that everyone is human” ?
> 
> Any spouse that is treated like you have described needs to take actions against him/her. Some of my suggestions would be for the victim to:
> 
> ...


I wasn't saying there is justification for cheating, but things can happen due to neglect and abuse.

Sometimes the cheater is not a bad person at all, just lonely. I don't believe everyone that finds themselves in an extra-marital relationship gets up in the morning with the intention to cheat, but circumstances sometimes make the unintended happen.

Painting everyone with the broad brush is wrong. 

I have a friend who had a brief fling with her boss. Her H hasn't touched her in years...he takes his phone into the bathroom and flies solo.

She is starving for attention. She can't/won't leave because she is the primary breadwinner and carries the health insurance and she doesn't want to leave her H stranded with no money or insurance. 

Was her fling okay? No. But her husbands actions and treatment of her are the direct cause that drove her to anther man's arms.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

LonelyinLove said:


> I wasn't saying there is justification for cheating, but things can happen due to neglect and abuse.
> 
> Sometimes the cheater is not a bad person at all, just lonely. I don't believe everyone that finds themselves in an extra-marital relationship gets up in the morning with the intention to cheat, but circumstances sometimes make the unintended happen.
> 
> ...


I believe you said that your husband cheated on you.

Did you do something that had was a direct cause for him to cheat?

I believe, at least in some cases, there is nothing that a BS has done that had a direct cause that led to the WS to cheat.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

What drives a person to cheat is their character, and usually a vehicle with an internal combustion engine.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

convert said:


> I believe you said that your husband cheated on you.
> 
> Did you do something that had was a direct cause for him to cheat?
> 
> I believe, at least in some cases, there is nothing that a BS has done that had a direct cause that led to the WS to cheat.


Not according to him....he was out with low-life work friends and hooked up with a woman on the prowl while he was drinking.

This was years ago and he has redeemed himself multiple times over. 

I didn't say there was ALWAYS a cause, but there is sometimes, and to characterize everyone the same and every situation identical is just not true, or fair.


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

Upon further reflection, and to clarify my earlier post, I would add the following:

Nothing DROVE, anyone to cheat. That suggests that it was beyond their control. Circumstances certainly could have been ripe for it to happen, but even then, no one is DRIVEN to cheat.

Its like stealing. You can do it anytime you want. No one is looking at you all of the time, opportunity presents itself all the time, heck- you might even need some things, but the actual act of stealing is not inevitable. Not every hungry, needy, homeless, or broke person steals. 

Your marriage can be crappy. You can be neglected. You can be frustrated, or whatever. Those, as I was alluding to earlier, only get you to the crossroads. It is a matter of character there on out. 

Lord knows I have been tempted, propositioned, heck, outright told that I could have it anytime I wanted. While I did not cheat, I will concede that I was still wrong. When those "opportunities" were presented to me, it really was not that much of a surprise, with the exception of maybe 2 times. I should have cut off contact with people who were clearly hoping for something to happen. You know that look or that joke or phrase or acts that clearly indicate that someone is interested in more. I never gave in, even when my home sex life was non-existent or unsatisfying.

Now, and for a long time, I just avoid the situation. I don't go where I know temptation will be. I have not cheated, but I have come close enough to the abyss to know, nothing drives you there. You hop on the train and ride there wondering how close you can get before it gets too hot. Thus, I still think that circumstances can exist that make you receptive to the idea of crossing the line, but in the end, it is character that determines who will cross it. BTW, no EA or flirtations by me either. I just knew the other person was open, and then when they put it out there, I declined. Still, I was wrong for being there.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Honestly, it's not that hard to reason why most people will choose to cheat instead of simply get a divorce (in no particular order): 1) money and 2) kids. I've stated this before, but I believe that the majority of cheating is conscious decision made by the cheater due to a feeling of helplessness. Note that I am making zero value judgements to justify or abhor infidelity. In the context of this discussion, it's a red herring. 

Because at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what your views are and what your values are, your marriage is only as strong as the weakest link. You could be the most moral, straight laced guy in the world. But if you marry a woman who has questionable boundaries, who panics when life throws curveballs, etc., then you need to factor these things into your marital situation. Does it suck? Yes. Is it unfair? Yes. Should your spouse change his/her ways? If it would make the marriage stronger, yes. Yes to all of that. But here's the issue. If you don't work a lot of this stuff out prior to marriage, it becomes a lot harder to deal with later. And if it comes up early in your marriage to the point you need to take a stand, how many people will do that? Not many. Most will continue on and hope for the best.

There's more that can be written about this, but this is one point that trips up a lot of marriages from the get go - marrying someone you have a mismatch in wrt 1) values, 2) life goals, 3) libido and 4) family backgrounds. Let's get real about this. Most of us should be able to discern in the dating phase whether you and your partner are compatible in these 4 facets. I will state that most realize that the person they are going to marry and who may not be the right fit will know this up front but go thru with it anyways. AND, SHAME ON anyone who chases after someone over a period of time or has to "wear someone down" in order to marry the "person of their dreams". Complete and utter mistake - one that can commonly lead to divorce and/or infidelity.


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## Colonel Angus (Apr 11, 2015)

bigfoot said:


> Nothing DROVE, anyone to cheat. That suggests that it was beyond their control. Circumstances certainly could have been ripe for it to happen, but even then, no one is DRIVEN to cheat.



People actions are driven but not so much by external forces but by internal ones. Forces such as selfishness, indifference, laziness, contempt, etc. Forces they have freely invited into their hearts and minds. And as hosts to these forces, they are 100% responsible for their guests behaviors or conduct towards others.





If I overstayed my welcome, just tap me on the head


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