# Is there too much emphasis on "in love"



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Do we put too much emphasis on the fairy tale, in-love, type relationship today that we see in the movies, and, thus, a lot of marriages break up if they fall out of that category? I recently visited my great Aunt in the nursing home and had a long talk with her, and it caused me to think about past generation relationships. She had several pictures of her and her husband on the tables. My Aunt talked about how her husband had been dead for 20 years and how they had a good life together. She didn't mention anything about washboard abs, him being sexy, him being exciting, or anything of that nature. Instead, she talked about what a kind hearted person he was, how he always went to church with her, how he was a good father, and how he was a hard worker and provided for the family. I could tell she still missed him. I remember a man telling me a few years ago how he married during WWII and how that his wife didn't have a lot of choice in boys because they were all off at war. He said the two of them "hooked up" as he called it and had a great life together. I thought too about when I was dating as a teen how my grandmother never told me to make sure I was in love, instead, she gave me good qualities to look for, much like those my great aunt mentioned. Among the older generation that I know, there was never a divorce unless there was abuse or cheating. Nobody ever said, "Oh, we just drifted apart." In today's time, however, it seems like someone can wake up one day and decide they don't feel the hot passion for their spouse the way they did a few years ago and they are ready to pack, leave, and look for greener pastures.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I commented on this some time ago. There is a book written by Elizabeth Gilbert, called "Committed: A skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage"

She devotes several chapters to what forms the foundation of successful marriages - and that as a point of fact, in many cultures the concept of 'head over heels romantically in love' never even enters the equation. And moreover, cultures that do not subscribe to this notion, have lower rates of divorce.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

southbound said:


> Do we put too much emphasis on the fairy tale, in-love, type relationship today that we see in the movies, and, thus, a lot of marriages break up if they fall out of that category?


Absolutely !! I believe far too many of us do this. Sometimes I think I watch too many Romantic movies myself. I never tire of them. Someone in love should enjoy a good romance though, at least the old type romances of yesterday. I once read a thread on here where the wife could not even bare to watch a romantic movie or she would cry relentllessly afterwards because she never experieced "that feeling" with her husband. 
Something was seriously wrong there. 



southbound said:


> She didn't mention anything about washboard abs, him being sexy, him being exciting, or anything of that nature. Instead, she talked about what a kind hearted person he was, how he always went to church with her, how he was a good father, and how he was a hard worker and provided for the family. I could tell she still missed him. I remember a man telling me a few years ago how he married during WWII and how that his wife didn't have a lot of choice in boys because they were all off at war. He said the two of them "hooked up" as he called it and had a great life together. I thought too about when I was dating as a teen how my grandmother never told me to make sure I was in love, instead, she gave me good qualities to look for, much like those my great aunt mentioned.


 She spoke about how her husband truly showed love to HER, she was a smart enough woman to recognize the more important things in life, to appreciate what has been given to her. There are still people like this today, but probably few & farer between. Your Grandmother was right, need to look for those GOOD qualities, not the abs, not the excitement. My husband is not a ball of excitement , never had a 6-pack, but when you experience Love like that -given to you for a lifetime, you will cry like a baby when you hear a song like this : YouTube - bread-everything i own I can't get through it without tears and he is still with me.


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## TheTopChef (Oct 14, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> My husband is not a ball of excitement , never had a 6-pack, but when you experience Love like that -given to you for a lifetime, you will cry like a baby when you hear a song like this : YouTube - bread-everything i own I can't get through it without tears and he is still with me.


Ok, thanks a LOT  As I sit her drinking my morning coffee with my husband, I played this song. I only made it halfway through it because I had a sobbing hiccup thing going on.

Awesome song


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## OldTex (Nov 14, 2010)

Thank you for the link. I posted it on my facebook. It explains everything I would do to have her back. Wish I could sing it to her


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## Invictus (Nov 14, 2010)

This is a very good question.

For me, the short answer is "yes" there is way too much emphasis on "in love".

The reason I think it happens is because so many in this society have been raised to believe that love is a feeling that just happens. It is too often confused with lust or passion. However, I have always believed that the feeling of love comes from the way you are treated, as well as the way you treat others. For years I tried to explain that to my husband. Whenever I told him I was starving for love, he would get frustrated and say he did love me so what the heck was the problem. Now, he is finally understanding the problem. Now he sees that he felt loved, but rarely showed love back.

I hope to make my small contribution to reducing the divorce rate in this country by raising my children to understand what love truly is. It is not feeling dizzy and head-over-heals every day of your life (although that would be a nice bonus!). It is the act of loving someone by showing them kindness and respect. It is the ability and desire to put someone else's needs above your own. When/if they decide to marry, they should make sure they can do that and, just as importantly, that they receive the same in return. I can see from the friendships they have made that they really do understand. I have my fingers crossed that the lessons will stick when/if they choose to get married.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I don't know that it's too much emphasis on "in love", but more that it's an expectation that the initial rush is supposed to last. I think people think that initial rush is the "in love" and when that rush is gone, they assume that means the love is gone, too. They don't realize that real love is not about butterflies and tingles, but about commitment and being there for each other.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

It's great to feel "in love" but it's also great to feel appreciation, admiration, respect, etc. Probably the most vital emotion one needs to sustain a marriage would be "contentment". Some things that aren't exactly perfect are still pretty great blessings.


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

The mere fact that this feeling of being "in love" is professed more vocally by sixteen year olds than any other age range should be a clue. But I think too many people just don't get it. It's a neverending effort.

I know the looks, words, and intonatons that will turn my wife to jello. And I can tell which fingers she uses to pull her hair back when she's concentrating, and which she'll use when she's sad. I even know when to put my hand on her back while she's sleeping to chase the scary dream away. To me, the learning is love.

And before I make it sound like I have it all figured out, I'll admit she doesn't even think I'm capable of caring for her. In the mind of one with BPD, such acts are seen as manipulating.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

takris said:


> The mere fact that this feeling of being "in love" is professed more vocally by sixteen year olds than any other age range should be a clue.


Very good point!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

TheTopChef said:


> Ok, thanks a LOT  As I sit her drinking my morning coffee with my husband, I played this song. I only made it halfway through it because I had a sobbing hiccup thing going on.
> 
> Awesome song



I am sorry. It is a very heavy song. I only put it on here because I think if anything can bring us back into reality - what is truly important in a marraige- where our heads & hearts SHOULD be (cause sometimes we mentally stray), a song like that will do it. Even if your still married, just the thought of what it "might be like" to loose what is right in front of you. 

I'm a sucker for sad songs like this. "Remember When" by Alan Jackson is another one I can't get through.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Well I guess so far I’m an exception to the rule. I’m probably Mr Romantic. I couldn’t live with someone I’m not “in love” with. I ask myself “What’s the point of that?”. But I know there are all different types of relationships that do indeed work.

I think mine was an Eros or Cupid type love. It was certainly “love at first sight” with my wife and I was in love with her for 42 years. I was deeply and passionately in love with her. I was “foolish” and idealised many things over the years but I don’t care about that.

I’m not in love with my wife anymore. I simply don’t have the passion or desire for her, due to her own doings, anymore. That’s all gone from me, which in a way has helped me recognise what it was inside of me for so long. I do really feel a blessed man.

Bob


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Wow. I'm old enough that I didn't have to listen to the song to know exactly which one you were talking about. I know every word by heart. 
I guess I'm also old enough that I don't ascribe to what is commonly thought of as being "in love". All too often it's that initial rush that you feel in the beginning. That's not love. Not to me. My SO and I survived two of the WORST financial years I've ever had in my entire life. We never argued about money. We just grabbed each other and held on tight. And we survived the ride. To me..THAT is love. There are other issues that we've survived as well, and it's only made me realize that I've got someone that's got my back, and is committed. He's not going to cut and run at the first sign of trouble. Neither will I. He is ten years younger than I am, is balding, and as skinny as they come. But he's the most handsome man alive to me. He's the hardest working man I know. He's also the strongest, and that has nothing to do with muscle tone. I've had the buff, good looking men who had nothing on the inside to give. One of them fathered all four of my children, and made my 20 years of marriage to him literal hell. I'll take this any day.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

I don't think there is too much emphasis on "in love" just too much confusion on what that is supposed to be? I think?

Growing up, I watched some horrible relationships with my mom, I knew exactly what love was NOT supposed to be. Everyone has their own ideas, and when I first met hubs family, I found a new understanding of what love actually IS vs is not. His parents have been through some horrific things including the most recent loss of their youngest daughter, and they still adore each other. My grandparents have also set an example for me, their marriage is both of their second marriages, and they have been through thick and thin together and are the cutest couple. They have their wtf moments, grandma gets naggy, grandpa sighs and complies, but you see in his face and eyes that he loves whatever it is he's doing to make her happy, because it makes her happy..and she does the same for him.

I like what was said about love is being able to put someone elses needs above your own. Thats how I've always done things, and always felt that the bond that love is makes the rest of it worth it. For better or for worse generally. This has left me open to countless heartache and amounts of pain, but its a characteristic I wouldn't change.

That song is perfect. As selfish as this is going to sound, the idea behind it has been part of the reason I've stayed. I know that if I go, hubs will not understand why, he'll sink, give up, go back to partying, and make everyone he can hate me. I don't want him to have to lose me. (despite how hard he seems to fight to push me away)

So like I said, I think its a general misunderstanding vs. the wrong emphasis. Hubs finds love as being more physical than anything ("I can say whatever I want about you and as long as I come home and hug you, its ok, because I hugged you so I love you") where I find it to be far beyond the physical and more of an understanding and a bond between people.


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