# How to start the conversation



## upset/confused (Jul 26, 2011)

DDay of EA is 4 weeks, separated 2 weeks. His EA

We havent spoken at all about what has happened. Not even in the first MC session. I started the 180 and didnt pursue or call or anything. He barely called to talk to the kids and when he did, it was a 2 min call with the " I'll call you back later" that doesnt' come. 

He started to text last week, short at first, then a little longer. The other night it was a good 20-30 mins. Very nice talk about nothing really. He brought up that he almost sent me a sext pic but was so drunk he fell asleep. He ended the conv with I'll call you and the boys tomorrow to check up on you. We have been locked down 2 days for weather. He called and talked to the oldest for 2 mins tops and said he would call him back and didn't. I sent him an email saying that "I didnt quite get it. You told your son you would call him back and didnt. I hope you realize that whatever you're doing is now more important than your kids. I am truly speechless...and sent it.

He replied, ok, you, they can call too. 

He wanted the separation. Do I now start making it a point to call or not? I don't want it to backfire.

So I am about to send an email saying, "Since we have not had any opportunity to talk since you moved out, I would like you to tell me a time that works with your schedule. Let me know when you're available. I can arrange for the boys to be watched."

We havent spoke of R but he knows that I want to. He said he doesnt want a divorce, but is in the "I just dont know stage".

How do I start the conversation and tell him I'm tired of being in limbo. I cannot just up and leave with my kids.(overseas)

All opinions are welcome.


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## Walt (Jul 17, 2011)

upset/confused said:


> DDay of EA is 4 weeks, separated 2 weeks. His EA
> 
> We havent spoken at all about what has happened. Not even in the first MC session. I started the 180 and didnt pursue or call or anything. He barely called to talk to the kids and when he did, it was a 2 min call with the " I'll call you back later" that doesnt' come.
> 
> ...



He needs to make the effort for a R to work. Both sides have to want it. The BS has to work even harder.

What you've described above makes it seem like he hasn't done anything. I would let him bring up the conversation.

In the meantime, continue the 180 and explore the options YOU want to explore.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I hate that he's putting it on the kids to call. HE chose to leave. HE has to make initiative. 

My dad used that bullcrap on my mom about me...He didn't call me for my birthday and she called him on it and his answer? "Well, she didn't call me for Father's Day."

WHAT?! He is the ADULT. Act like one.

Do not call him. DO NOT make it easy for him. NO NO NO.

He knows what you want. DO NOT CONTACT HIM. Make him want to come to you.


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## upset/confused (Jul 26, 2011)

@Walt...you're right. He has made no effort but to move out. The only thing I am holding on to is that his texts to me are getting friendlier. I am impatient and I guess just wondering how long is enough time before I make the statement of "you are either in or out". I read posts that go both ways.

@that girl....I feel so badly for my kids...he feels that I can easily pick up the phone to call him if I wanted to...problem is I want to but not until he comes clean and says something...not I dont know

Thanks for your input


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I feel bad for my kids too. They ask for him, and it kills me.

But this is his baggage, not mine..and he's seeing that. It's been 5 weeks and just this week I started getting more than "I don't know." And it's been positive things. I fully believe it's because I haven't pushed, bugged him or contacted him (I let him make initiative). In the beginning he didn't contact me much...but now, because I am not bugging him, he is coming around more and we talk a LOT.

Hang in there


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## upset/confused (Jul 26, 2011)

Are you physically separated?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yes. He moved out almost 6 weeks ago. Only took his clothes and nothing else. He still pays his bills here.

It was probably the best thing to happen to us. By leaving, he opened the door for me to heal myself and for him to heal himself...so we can be healthy together.

We are not legally separated, divorce was never brought up.

It's finally getting good again...and I truly believe it's because I learned 2 things:

1. To shut up.
2. To let him go.

6 weeks ago he said he didn't love me...that it wasn't there (my issues and his issues killed it). Just this Wednesday he said he loves me and misses me so much.

I chose NOT to get on his roller coaster. I chose to self-reflect and be patient...which is difficult, but the results I'm seeing by being counter-intuitive are amazing. I am becoming a better person for me and our family and he is healing himself because I let him go.


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## upset/confused (Jul 26, 2011)

I am confused. His EA could easily turn into a PA. They work together and especially now that we are separated. In the beginning I contacted the OW and asked her to stop writing to him and she did. That in turn pissed him off and gave him ammo for separation. For awhile she didnt return his texts or talk to him, but then it started again. She kept telling him nothing could happen he said, maybe it could.

I was pretty sure that it hadnt gone physical yet, but I do believe they are on a business trip together this week because when he was spending time with her before I found out the amount of contact between us was the same as now, sparce. Before he left on this last trip, he was at our home and hugged me and said I'm sorry....I didnt know what to think of that.

I am at the crossroads. Do I confront him because I do believe the longer we are separated, the closer he will get to her...or continue to ignore....if he cheats, he cheats and there is nothing I can do to prevent it....just so confused


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You can only control yourself. You cannot control him or what he does or who he's with.

I know your pain and frustration, believe me...My husband doesn't have another woman, but just the separation was horrible enough.

All I can say is to work on you. Take care of you and your children. Do something for yourself and let him stew in this. Don't make it easy for him. Make him wonder why you aren't bugging him or whatever. Start healing yourself. He will do what he does. Don't let him bring you down any lower


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## upset/confused (Jul 26, 2011)

He called me and I asked him when we could sit down and talk...Of course silence on the other end of the phone. He asked what I wanted to talk about and I said this situation. I told him that I need to know something. I didnt beg. I told that I need direction as to what he is thinking. If he doesnt want to consider R then I need to make a plan to move forward. I don't want to argue I just need something.

I told him that I didnt want to talk about everything that is wrong right now, just know what he is thinking. I said I cannot stay in limbo.

I then asked if he would be attending the MC on Monday and he said if he was back from this trip. He is suppose to return tomorrow. So I took that as a no. 

I have reread "Let them go" and have written my own script on what to say because I feel it will be "I dont want to be married right now"...so today I am ready to let go. Don't want to, but will say those words when we meet.


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