# My situation keeps getting weirder



## brokendown77 (Dec 15, 2012)

I haven't been a member of this forum for very long, but the responses and advice I have received with my wife's EA/PA and our separation has been a great source of relief and help for me recently.

That being said, my current situation with my stbx has been really confusing as of late.

Here are the gory details: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/63208-advice-please.html

But a shortened version (sorry if its still long):

I have known my wife for 6 years, dated 3, and been married for 2.5 years. About 6 months ago she became buddy buddy with a coworker which resulted in an EA and eventually a PA which lasted about 2 months. During the middle of the affair she used several disturbing tactics to make sure it didn't end (lies, coworkers covering for her, trying to get me to meet posOM to get to be friends, etc.) but toward the end she started getting sloppy, almost like she wanted to get caught, which I did catch her, in horrible detail. I suspected for a long time, but I've had proof for a little over 3 weeks now.

Anyways, I stood my ground, confronted her and posOM, posted him on cheaterville, exposed to family and seemingly their affair ended (I've checked email, phone, and even her words with friends chat etc). Her job is very important to not just her, but our family as it provides insurance for us and our daughter. She refuses to quit, I told her as long as she works there and has the temptation we are done, I'm not going to be a plan B. She didn't really have a response. We went through the holidays as best we could.

Our house has an apartment attached that is secluded from the rest of the house which is where I live now for the time being so I can at least see my daughter whenever I like and make repairs on the house so we can sell it. For the past couple weeks we have talked a lot, discussed our financial situation, selling the house, splitting accounts etc. I basically did the 180 as best I could. 

And this is where is gets weird. 

We are getting along great lately. Like a weight has been lifted. We joke around, text, even have had sex a couple times. We are moving along as if we are still getting divorced, neither of us are wearing our rings, but we aren't seeing other people. We've been having family time with our daughter. We have told each other that we still want to be friends and confidants to one another after the divorce, we've even joked that we could be that couple that divorces and gets back together years down the line. (oddly which happened to my parents) It should be noted that my wife has been very worried about me (rapid weight loss from depression) and remorseful about the affair in general, so it could be a sign she still cares for me in some aspect. 

I have not forgiven my wife for what she has done nor will I ever forget it. But I don't dwell on it anymore or continuously wish it didn't happen. I've accepted it and want to move on. We both agreed during this time that if either of us had a strong feeling of wanting to try and R, we would express it. Neither of us have, its almost as if we just want to enjoy whats rest of our relationship carefree as husband and wife because we know its ending. 

I'm sure what we are doing isn't normal, but does it happen? Is it healthy? Are we subconsciously trying to rekindle our relationship? Of course that is the optimist in me...I guess more questions I could ask are is the affair really over? Is she cake eating? Is she manipulating me to stay?


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

She still has the parts of you that she wants but she can do whatever else she wants on the side, yeah sounds like a great plan for her. I think subconsciously you see it as rekindling the relationship, or maybe thats what you're hoping for without realizing it. For her I think its cake eating. I dont know how you do it.

I can see you being at that place long after its done and the pain of the EA/PA is gone but I just dont see it now, atleast I couldnt do it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What you are doing now is not abnormal. You might even be on the way to recovery of your marriage. But yes you need to know is the affair is ongoing.

I think that you would benefit from reading the book "Surviving an Affair". Then if you go into recovery take a look at the books linked to in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. One of the major themes in them is to affair proof a marriage.


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## brokendown77 (Dec 15, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> She still has the parts of you that she wants but she can do whatever else she wants on the side, yeah sounds like a great plan for her. I think subconsciously you see it as rekindling the relationship, or maybe thats what you're hoping for without realizing it. For her I think its cake eating. I dont know how you do it.
> 
> I can see you being at that place long after its done and the pain of the EA/PA is gone but I just dont see it now, atleast I couldnt do it.


I don't know how I do it either. I'd be lying if I didn't admit I wanted to try to do something to work it out for my daughter. Honestly when I think of all the things I'm going to miss when we divorce, my wife is near the bottom of the list because of what she's done. I still love her, but I'll never trust her again, we've both acknowledged that fact. 

There is a very low chance we would R anyway, because her job is a terrible environment. Not only does posOM work there, but her coworker covered it up for her and apparently supported it, and her direct boss's daughter did the exact same thing to her spouse, which she discusses with my stbxw. There are too many negative influences on her there, and our marriage suffered because of it. It is what it is. She isn't innocent either, but her working there is a deal breaker because she couldn't give our marriage a shot with all the outside influence.

Maybe I just don't want to look back on her and remember the 2 months that she royally screwed up, but remember the 5 years that were great. I've let go of a lot of anger from this situation and I feel better. I just don't want to hate her forever for the sake of my daughter. posOM however...



EleGirl said:


> What you are doing now is not abnormal. You might even be on the way to recovery of your marriage. But yes you need to know is the affair is ongoing.
> 
> I think that you would benefit from reading the book "Surviving an Affair". Then if you go into recovery take a look at the books linked to in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. One of the major themes in them is to affair proof a marriage.


Thank you, I will definitely take a look!


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I think that she's getting exactly what she wants. She'll be free to be with you and anyone else she wants. She doesn't want R because she hasn't asked about it so take it at face value.

BTW, who earns more money, you or her? What are you doing about custody?


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## brokendown77 (Dec 15, 2012)

Toffer said:


> I think that she's getting exactly what she wants. She'll be free to be with you and anyone else she wants. She doesn't want R because she hasn't asked about it so take it at face value.
> 
> BTW, who earns more money, you or her? What are you doing about custody?


We earn similar incomes, but I make a little more than her. We have decided on joint custody, but we haven't really decided on custodial as we both want it.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

I must have missed it, have you filed for D?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

"but we haven't really decided on custodial as we both want it"

And herein lies the truth of why she may be behaving REALLY nice to you! Sorry to be so jaded but she may be trying to soften you up with the sex and the nicey nice treatment.

Let's face the facts:

She cheated
She lied repeatedly
She still has contact with the OM on a daily basis
She didn't want to leave the job (see above)
She tried to cuckhold you (to a degree) by trying to get you and POSOM to be "friends"
She had others lies for her

So in sum, can you still honestly think that her new disposition isn't designed INTENTIONALLY to get something from you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

brokendown77 said:


> We earn similar incomes, but I make a little more than her. We have decided on joint custody, but we haven't really decided on custodial as we both want it.


You can share 50/50 legal and physical custody. There is no need for one person to have 100% 'custodial'


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> You can share 50/50 legal and physical custody. There is no need for one person to have 100% 'custodial'


In my state a legal primary custodian is always assigned, regardless of time spent where and with whom.


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## brokendown77 (Dec 15, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> I must have missed it, have you filed for D?


I have not filed yet, I wanted to get most of the details ironed out before I go to a lawyer. I'm aware how long it takes for a D to be filed, and it may seem like I'm dragging my feet, but I just want to be as prepared as I can be before I do it.




Toffer said:


> "but we haven't really decided on custodial as we both want it"
> 
> And herein lies the truth of why she may be behaving REALLY nice to you! Sorry to be so jaded but she may be trying to soften you up with the sex and the nicey nice treatment.
> 
> ...


You aren't being jaded at all, but I've considered this as well and haven't let my guard down. Bringing up the affair and contact with OM doesn't hurt as much as it used too. But I'm trying to go off what everyone has said here: Believe what she does, not what she says. 

Sex and politeness will not change my disposition on custody of my daughter, I have, and will always want what is best for her. She is the most important person in the world to me. My stbx was a terrible wife at the end, but she has always been a good mother. She made a terrible mistake, yes, but has admitted her faults and has even admitted she needs IC. Although her getting it is a different story. (again, believing what she does not says.) Sadly, I think this issue will be one that the court decides.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

brokendown77 said:


> Neither of us have, its almost as if we just want to enjoy whats rest of our relationship carefree as husband and wife because we know its ending.
> 
> I'm sure what we are doing isn't normal, but does it happen? Is it healthy? Are we subconsciously trying to rekindle our relationship? Of course that is the optimist in me...I guess more questions I could ask are is the affair really over? Is she cake eating? Is she manipulating me to stay?


You two are doing the friend thing, the pressure is off, divorce is in the future, no need to work at the relationship anymore, it's a stress-less, carefree relationship... for now.

Reality will come back to roost as soon as one is aware of the others interest in another person.

*Brace yourself, it ain't over till it's over.*

T


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

brokendown77 said:


> My stbx was a terrible wife at the end, but she has always been a good mother.


The post consistent predictor for success in life is growing up in an intact two parent household. Whoever blows that up with an affair is a very bad parent indeed. Especially so if they don't move heaven and earth.

Would you want to try some behaviors that might (slim chance) have your wife seriously trying to get you back?


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## brokendown77 (Dec 15, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> The post consistent predictor for success in life is growing up in an intact two parent household. Whoever blows that up with an affair is a very bad parent indeed. Especially so if they don't move heaven and earth.
> 
> Would you want to try some behaviors that might (slim chance) have your wife seriously trying to get you back?


That's very true, I actually considered how contradicting my sentence was after I wrote it. I believe my personal feelings are interfering with that fact.

I'm not opposed to learning behaviors that could get her to want me back. My fear is if she does want me back, I wouldn't even know if I wanted her back.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Broken,

I would be more concerned that if you did get her to want you back and you took her back that she'd do the following to you:

She cheated
She lied repeatedly
She still has contact with the OM on a daily basis
She didn't want to leave the job (see above)
She tried to cuckhold you (to a degree) by trying to get you and POSOM to be "friends"
She had others lies for her

Rinse. Repeat


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## brokendown77 (Dec 15, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Broken,
> 
> I would be more concerned that if you did get her to want you back and you took her back that she'd do the following to you:
> 
> ...


That too.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

brokendown77 said:


> We are moving along as if we are still getting divorced, neither of us are wearing our rings, but we aren't seeing other people. We've been having family time with our daughter. We have told each other that we still want to be friends and confidants to one another after the divorce, we've even joked that we could be that couple that divorces and gets back together years down the line.


My friend, you make me cringe.

You can't be friends, backstabbing is not part of the deal. And confidants, well, takes sincerity on both sides, which is something one side here demonstrated the lack of.

I suggest you detach emotionally and file. It's great to keep it civil, but cut her loose. Otherwise you'll always be an easy target for manipulation.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

The key is the scenario's & day dreams that float through your mind, and _you know_ what they are. Believe me, they are far different than the ones that are floating through hers. That would mean your engaged in self deception, A form of denial, Your holding onto hope that this _could be_ something it's not. Your eating crumbs, pretending you don't need to.

She's cake eating, and laying the foundation to make sure you are an available backup plan. She's playing her cards exceptionally well. These aren't mutually decisions, You're being managed.

IMHO of course.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

If she had the slightest, inkling - even as just a passing thought- she would be actively looking for another place to work. She would be doing this every single day.

Have you seen her working on a resume? Looking through want ads? Going to monster.com? Finding contacts on linkedin?

My guess is no. But if the OM had even hinted that he wanted her to move to another job with him, she would be humming to herself as she did these things.

She's not ashamed for what she did. Not at all. If she was, she would never show her face at that office again. Not even to clean out her desk.

Instead, she shows up every single day, smiles at her enablers and accepts the occasional high five and the "you go girl!" pats on the back.

Words are easy.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

snap said:


> My friend, you make me cringe.
> 
> You can't be friends, backstabbing is not part of the deal. And confidants, well, takes sincerity on both sides, which is something one side here demonstrated the lack of.
> 
> I suggest you detach emotionally and file. It's great to keep it civil, but cut her loose. Otherwise you'll always be an easy target for manipulation.


:iagree: *QFT* (quoted for truth) :iagree:

Now I'm not saying you two have to be "enemies" or that there has to be ongoing ill-will for years to come. Right now my ex and I are civil. I don't bother him and he doesn't bother me. We can be in a room together and even speak pleasantly to one another. We don't fight about the kids or money. I am not part of his life any longer and he is not part of mine.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> Words are easy.


SO TRUE - especially for liars. 

Watch actions...do not listen to anything she says.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You are valuable to her - for your money. She would be stupid to be mean to you now.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

It's not weird. She's cake eating and you are in the denial phase again. Your brain just can't take any more grief right now, so it's shut those chemicals off. The roller coaster will head down soon, and you will be back to rage and sorrow, and she will say you're unstable.


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## brokendown77 (Dec 15, 2012)

Thank you all for the honest opinions. I'm going to be watching her actions as I said earlier. Its funny how ridiculous some things sound once you read them again. I can't believe I would want to be friends or confidants with her after this. How could I? 

There are some messed up people in the world, and I just have a hard time coping with how I fell in love with one. I am a typical fixer. I had a friend say I have "white knight syndrome", which is true. Right now she is universally hated by mine and her family. Everyone is disappointed, shocked, and saddened. And part of me wants to hate her right along with them. To laugh in her face and point out how I caught her, and yell at her for what she's done, while another part of me wants to save her from it. And I know that is the wrong mindset to have. 

I believe that she has something mentally wrong with her. If not some sort of bipolar disorder, possibly a strong case of post partum. Most of her mood swings and our supposed "marital problems" began shortly after the birth of our daughter. I told her back then but she blew me off. Her mother, step-dad, brothers and estranged father all agree as well. Can someone be this impervious to guilt and be so manipulative just because they are that crappy of a human being? Last week after pleading with her, she agreed that she should seek IC. I told her not to do it for me, but for herself and our daughter. Whether she does it is another story, but there is only so much I can do, actions over words right? 

I fear you guys are thinking I'm being bamboozled into staying with her, which is not the case. Yes, part of me wishes she could see the error in her ways, apologize, quit her job and we could reconcile. But the sad truth, at least for me, is I know that will never happen and that I made up my mind to divorce her when I read all the sexual messages from her phone. Its like innocent until proven guilty, but more like Divorced until proven remorseful, which she hasn't done. I wish I could leave, but until we sell our house, I don't have the money too.

I think the absolute worst part of this whole situation, not just me, but every BS, is that in addition to your spouse betraying you for their own selfish reasons, you are being punished for doing nothing wrong. From now on I will have trust issues, I will only be able to see my daughter half as much as I want too, my paycheck will be considerably less, while I was nothing but faithful, loving, and adoring of my wife, and I get repaid with pain, doubt, self loathing, depression and anguish.

And all for what? I could go into why this guy is a bad person, how he manipulated her or even how he is much worse looking than me, but it wouldn't change anything. She did this for nothing but herself and I'm paying for it.

Sorry for the rant.


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## Louise7 (Nov 8, 2012)

Ovid said:


> It's not weird. She's cake eating and you are in the denial phase again. Your brain just can't take any more grief right now, so it's shut those chemicals off. The roller coaster will head down soon, and you will be back to rage and sorrow, and she will say you're unstable.


And in the meantime, she knows that divorce is pending. Now she is able to tell her lawyer that her infidelity was not a factor because you carried on having sex with her afterwards, proving that you were not that bothered about it. She's rug sweeping and cake eating and you still don't know if she and other man are still at it.

Run, don't walk to your annexe at home. Do not share her living space unless it's to be with your daughter and then file for divorce, quickly.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

As said before you are being managed/handled by your WW.

One is to keep you as a back up plan because she does not know is she is going to lose her job. She does not know if the OM is going to dump her in spite of the BS the OM is feeding her.

To keep you plyable when it is time to hammer out the divorce settlement.

You are walking around crowing on how your are the **** of the walk that your WW is banging you.

News flash your WW is still in the affair and you are getting sloppy seconds. Sorry to be harsh.

You need to put yourself in the drivers seat and control things.

Hire a lawyer and file or learn how to kill an affair.

You are getting nothing accomplished.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

As many have stated here, your wife has the best of both worlds from what I see. For all you know, she's having sex with her OM over lunch at work and coming home to have sex with you later in the evening. Out of curiosity, why isn't your wife living in the apartment while you live in the house? That seems backwards considering she's the one that upset the apple cart.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

brokendown77 said:


> I think the absolute worst part of this whole situation,... is that in addition to your spouse betraying you for their own selfish reasons, you are being punished for doing nothing wrong. From now on I will have trust issues, I will only be able to see my daughter half as much as I want too, my paycheck will be considerably less, while I was nothing but faithful, loving, and adoring of my wife, and I get repaid with pain, doubt, self loathing, depression and anguish.
> 
> And all for what? I could go into why this guy is a bad person, how he manipulated her or even how he is much worse looking than me, but it wouldn't change anything. She did this for nothing but herself and I'm paying for it.


Print this and leave it on her dresser. It may be the push that makes her commit to IC.


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## brokendown77 (Dec 15, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> As many have stated here, your wife has the best of both worlds from what I see. For all you know, she's having sex with her OM over lunch at work and coming home to have sex with you later in the evening. Out of curiosity, why isn't your wife living in the apartment while you live in the house? That seems backwards considering she's the one that upset the apple cart.


I think about that every day. That's why I haven't let her know I still snoop on her on occasion, but haven't noticed anything out of the ordinary. No more texts, phone calls, or emails to posOM. I have a keylogger on her laptop and nothing there either. From what I have seen it looks like he has been avoiding her, but I'm not naive enough to believe it is completely over. As long as she works there it never will be. And hence why I told her its a deal breaker if she works there.

I chose to go to the apartment side because its much smaller and has way less upkeep. Its 2 bedroom, bathroom, with a kitchen and furniture so I'm not exactly roughing it. It has a separate entrance as well so I don't even have to see her. Really the only reason I go onto the main side is to play with my daughter.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

snap said:


> You can't be friends, backstabbing is not part of the deal. And confidants, well, takes sincerity on both sides, which is something one side here demonstrated the lack of.
> 
> I suggest you detach emotionally and file. It's great to keep it civil, but cut her loose. Otherwise you'll always be an easy target for manipulation.


I disagree.... 
You can enjoy what she offers because you aren’t expecting much at all and neither is she. You can just be yourselves without the burden of caring how the other judges it to an extent. Oddly enough, it worked that way for the OM too..... bet he didn’t get complaints about not putting the lid down on the toilet. Now you don’t either because she no longer has “the right” to complain about that... or laundry... or “best friend” status... or “good listener” ... or _______ . In other words, you can’t let her down anymore as it is no longer “your duty” as a spouse. The list of “what a good spouse is” goes away when you let the marriage go. You can be you again. You no longer worry about getting her angry because you cranked up the stereo and left your dinner plate on the counter to be dealt with sometime later. Her emotional status no longer controls your emotional status. That dynamic roundabout is broken.

Now that CAN lead to reconciliation. Because the affairs and everything around it are not the defining trait of this other person or your focus anymore. You start judging them for who they are now as a whole rather than who they are as your spouse. They become an individual again you owe nothing to. So... they can retain being funny, witty, attractive, attentive, and all those things you knew and attracted you in the first place. The adultery and ‘why’ just becomes a part, not the only defining part. IF they can convince you they have changed, sorted out why or what leads to that, and you become confident in them again..... you might be able to reconcile someday.

I don’t mind his approach at all. Now he gets the chance to judge her as a person, not as a spouse... He may not want to be married to her, but can still enjoy being around her as long as he finds this enjoyable..


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Dear brokendown77,

It's perfectly obvious what's going on here: you desperately want your WW back and she knows it. As a result, she is playing you like a Stadivarius. Why do I think this? Consider what you wrote:



brokendown77 said:


> *. . . Our house has an apartment attached that is secluded from the rest of the house which is where I live now for the time being so I can at least see my daughter whenever I like and make repairs on the house so we can sell it.* *[She cheats and you move to the guest house. Classic beta response.]* *. . . I basically did the 180 as best I could. [You didn't do it very well, you're having sex with her, FCS.]*
> 
> *. . . We are getting along great lately. Like a weight has been lifted. We joke around, text, even have had sex a couple times*. * [That weight was caused by the realization that your WW cheated, isn't remorseful and your marriage is over. You're not feeling it any more because, since she's being "nice" to you, you've deluded yourself into thinking that maybe, somehow, a woman who cheated on you and doesn't feel sorry actually wants to stay married to you. Nobody who is living in the real world recovers so quickly from such cruel treatment as your WW inflicted on you, you've got to be in la-la land to do that.]* We are moving along as if we are still getting divorced, neither of us are wearing our rings, but *we aren't seeing other people.* *[You mean you aren't seeing other people. She sees the OM whenever she wants. Somehow, you overlooked that.] *We've been having family time with our daughter. * We have told each other that we still want to be friends and confidants to one another after the divorce, we've even joked that we could be that couple that divorces and gets back together years down the line. (oddly which happened to my parents)* *[And you believe everything she says. The fact that up until now she has been a cheat and a liar is irrelevant, right? She must be telling the truth now, right? Again, only a guy who is desperate to find some reason to believe his cheating wife still wants him, after she's given him no reason to believe this, would be so gullible.]* *It should be noted that my wife has been very worried about me (rapid weight loss from depression) and remorseful about the affair in general, so it could be a sign she still cares for me in some aspect.* *[She isn't remorseful enough to apologize for cheating, ask for your forgiveness, agree to change jobs, let you move back into the big house or say she doesn't want a divorce. I "care" about my lawn mower. I give it gas from time to time and get the blade sharpened every couple of years but, the minute it stops working, I'll throw it out and get a new one. You're her lawn mower.]*
> 
> ...





brokendown77 said:


> *. . . * *I'd be lying if I didn't admit I wanted to try to do something to work it out for my daughter.* *[You're only half-lying. You do want "things to work out" but not for your daughter, for yourself.]* *Honestly when I think of all the things I'm going to miss when we divorce, my wife is near the bottom of the list because of what she's done.* *[If this were true, given all that she has done, your WW wouldn't even be on the list.]*
> 
> . . .She isn't innocent either, but her working there is a deal breaker *because she couldn't give our marriage a shot* with all the outside influence. *[**You rug-sweep her motives in order to hold on to the forlorn hope that somehow your marriage will survive: it's not that your WW "couldn't" give your marriage another shot, it's that she "won't."]
> *
> *Maybe I just don't want to look back on her and remember the 2 months that she royally screwed up, but remember the 5 years that were great.* *[Its more like you want to pretend that the 2 months didn't happen.]* I've let go of a lot of anger from this situation and I feel better. *I just don't want to hate her forever for the sake of my daughter.* *[There's a big difference between not hating your WW and not seeing her for what she is.]*





brokendown77 said:


> *I have not filed yet, I wanted to get most of the details ironed out before I go to a lawyer. I'm aware how long it takes for a D to be filed, and it may seem like I'm dragging my feet, but I just want to be as prepared as I can be before I do it.* *[The technical term for statement like these is, "a load of cr*p."]*
> 
> You aren't being jaded at all, but *I've considered this as well and haven't let my guard down. Bringing up the affair and contact with OM doesn't hurt as much as it used too. But I'm trying to go off what everyone has said here: Believe what she does, not what she says.* *[Ibid.]*
> 
> *. . . She made a terrible mistake, yes, but has admitted her faults and has even admitted she needs IC.* *[Cheating isn't a "mistake," it's a decision. She "admitted" it after she got caught. You're making excuses for her is just another example of your inability to accept the reality of your situation.*





brokendown77 said:


> *. . . My fear is if she does want me back, I wouldn't even know if I wanted her back.* *[Be honest. You would take her back in a heeatbeat. Heck, you've already done everything but take her back. **Deep down, your fear is that you know she doesn't want you back.]*


Apologies for being so harsh, brokendown77, but someone needed to tell you to take off the rose colored glasses and start treating your WW like the lying, cheating, remorseless, manipulative b*tch that she is. REALLY go 180 on her, file for divorce, start to build a life without her and maybe, just maybe, she will start to realize what she is losing and show signs of interest in renewing her marriage. You don't have to be mean to her, just be indifferent and demonstrate that you don't need her.

Or just keep doing what you're doing and enjoy it while it lasts, which won't be long.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You're leaving her, right? You're working on divorce?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

What about consequences for the POSOM? Have you exposed him as scum thst sleeps with married women?


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## brokendown77 (Dec 15, 2012)

turnera said:


> You're leaving her, right? You're working on divorce?


Yes, we are working toward divorce. Both of us have been researching places to live and discussed separating everything, I'm going to talk to a lawyer on my day off this week.




Shaggy said:


> What about consequences for the POSOM? Have you exposed him as scum thst sleeps with married women?


Yes I have. Posted him on cheaterville, both our families know, and their workplace is aware of it. All posOM cares about is his job and money, and he's terrified of losing them. He is scum in every sense of the word. I've thought about exposing him to his family too, but I don't think that would help anything. 

I also considered b*tching out the coworker that lied for my stbxw but whats the point? They're all just enablers there. Unless she quits that job she'll never get better mentally and emotionally. All I can really do is make sure me and my daughter are emotionally and financially secure at this time.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

IMO, it wouldn't hurt to write to the coworker, just to give her your perspective, the perspective of the FAMILY that an enabler helps destroy. I'll wager she never even considered that. Maybe it would help her stop enabling.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

brokendown77 said:


> Yes I have. Posted him on cheaterville, both our families know, and their workplace is aware of it. All posOM cares about is his job and money, and he's terrified of losing them.


Why do you lie to us?

Your WW asked if you exposed at work?
Remember WW's lie all the time.

She claims someone ratted them out at work.

Claimimng and reality are not the same. You have no proof.

You were told the importance of doing a formal work exposure and that WW or OM must no longer work together yet you still refuse to do a formal at work exposure.

The CEO/owner, Board of Directors, Head of Human Resources all must be sent emails and follow up confirmation letters asking what action is the company going to take.

You need to man up and get an Official Work Exposure done today. Stop playing around.


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## brokendown77 (Dec 15, 2012)

Its been almost two weeks since the last time I posted on here and wanted to give an update, sorry for the length of it. 

I contacted her work to verify that someone did in fact turn them in, it turned out to be true. They still maintain there isn't much they can do but are monitoring the situation. I could care less at this point however, as the situation has radically changed with my wife, much like others predicted in this thread, but I was too stupid/optimistic to listen and I apologize for my naivety. 

We have become distant, or rather, I have distanced myself from her. I told her when I discovered the A that if there was any chance for our marriage to survive complete NC had to occur. I know I failed to stand by that, I think I was still in shock. But not anymore. Texting and phone calls have stopped, but I know they still play their word games and get random e-mails now and then. So what follows is how I'm dealing with it...

Sometimes the best tool for motivation is a broken heart. I've lost 30 pounds since I discovered her A a month ago. I'm using it to my advantage. I've dressed nicer, read more, taken up new hobbies, and I've been the best father I could possibly be. My daughter and I spent most of my day off together just playing and listening to music and now she will only sleep at night if I put her to bed. Its a great feeling being so important to someone. I had to pick her up from a baby shower my wife took her too, so I made sure to dress nice when I went to get her. All my wife's friends and other women kept telling her how nice I looked and complimented my weight loss. My confidence has been growing steadily and I've been feeling so good lately because the anger from the A is slowly slipping away and losing its control over me. There are times when I feel like garbage and want to cry, sure, but I'm getting better. I've reconnected with my father and old friends, who have all been terrific to talk too.

I think the best part is that the rosy world that my wife and the posOM built up is quickly crumbling down. I think she is starting to realize what she is losing, or maybe she is mourning the loss of the relationship with posOM, either way, its not my problem. She comes home, plops on the couch, and does nothing. I'm sure she is in some form of depression, but refuses to help herself. I told her its her turn to fight if she wants the marriage to work, and told her what I wanted. (NC, new job, IC and MC, and transparency) Until she does any of those there is no point in staying together, and I'm not going to falter this time, I'm tired of being a doormat. 

She has become open to applying for other jobs, but until I see any actions on her part, I maintain my distance. Every night I put my daughter down, I take my dogs and go to my side of the house and relax, and it feels good. I leave her to wallow in the lonely, cold world she created for herself. I'm doing my best to follow advice from people who have been in my situation. I can sleep at night (most times) and I have regained an appetite. 

Now the good, no, amazingly fantastic part. PosOM's mom found his post on cheaterville, along with 92,000 other people. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard in my entire life.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Good when someone googles his name the cheaterville link will show up. Karma bus be coming!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

brokendown77 said:


> ...I think she is starting to realize what she is losing, *or maybe she is mourning the loss of the relationship with posOM*, either way, its not my problem. She comes home, plops on the couch, and does nothing. I'm sure she is in some form of depression, but refuses to help herself...


Don't automatically surmise that because she is 'open to looking' for another job, that she is doing it for your sake. 

The bold part above would tell me that, if she is looking for another job, it's to try to heal from the crumbling relationship w the OM. Since he has been discovered on chearterville, he no doubt blames your wife to some degree. 

I imagine their relationship at work is quite cold. THAT would be the most likely reason for her wanting to leave that job. If she had wanted to do it for you, she would have been looking from the day you told her that was your wish. 

File the petition. She's not into you at all.


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## brokendown77 (Dec 15, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> I imagine their relationship at work is quite cold. THAT would be the most likely reason for her wanting to leave that job. If she had wanted to do it for you, she would have been looking from the day you told her that was your wish.
> 
> File the petition. She's not into you at all.


I fear you may be right, although deep down I think I already knew that. After a couple weeks of me basically ignoring her, she asked to talk to me last night. Sure why not? I gave my daughter a bath, put her to bed, and sat down to "talk". I think I'm dealing with a professional blameshifter, cake eater and gas lighter here.

So she asks if anything has changed. I asked her if she still talks to posOM in any way, including their little word games on her phone, emails, texts, etc. She says yes, so I said "no, nothings changed then." And she tries to tell me all they talk about is work stuff, which I told her isn't necessary because they work in two different departments and for some reason the other doctors at her hospital don't text her or call her, so why is he?

She tried to turn this around on me saying we are both liars because I check her e-mail and phone records. Which I check every now and then to see if their relationship has indeed ended, which it hasn't. Speaking of which, they had a 27 minutes conversation about "work" before I got home last night. What a lying sack of s***, of course I didn't know about that til today. 

I told her she can't even do something as small as stopping her stupid word games with him, but of course she said I was focusing on small things. I told her if its so small and doesn't matter, why can't you stop it then just to make me happy? She refused. I asked her if we get divorced was she going to be better friends with him again and she said yes. I did ask her why she wanted to be friends with someone who is having an active part in destroying her daughter's family and basically harming her emotional well being for the rest of her life. She doesn't see it that way. She went off on tangents about how she hates my family, my job (which pays well and provides me with ample time to watch our daughter so we don't need a babysitter), how she has no one to talk too, and more.

I did tell her I still loved her and was willing to work on things if she was able to do what I ask (new job, NC with posOM, IC and MC), but I'm sure it fell on deaf ears. Its about this time when I said we needed to seriously sit down and discuss how we would be breaking up our belongings, money, and form a schedule for our daughter. 

Maybe she is still in a fog, but her nonchalant behavior is infuriating to me and I needed to vent. I know its small, but not even stopping the stupid games on her phone, or lying AGAIN about talking to him is such a slap in the face. I've gathered numbers of lawyers in my area that specialize with family divorce and protecting fathers. Time to start making some calls...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Tell the lawyer you want custody, since you're the one who won't need a babysitter.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

She wont stop any contact with Om because she knows you will be there with open arms to take her back.

Let her go man.Dont wallow in the hope that she will stop and run to you apologizing.

Your 180 seems to be too weak and to manipulate her into R. Do it for yourself and for detaching from her.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

brokendown77 said:


> I did tell her I still loved her and was willing to work on things if she was able to do what I ask (new job, NC with posOM, IC and MC), but I'm sure it fell on deaf ears..


Stop telling her this. You've probably said it a million times and nothing has changed. You've said it, she's heard it, stop saying it.

If she wanted to change, she would have after the 1st time you asked/told her what you needed for R.

BTW, in the end she will come crawling back to you unless the OM decides to be with her. You're plan B all the way.

GL to you and keep staying strong.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

So have you filed for divorce yet?


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Did you file yet? You should let the lawyers work out any financial/custody issues and hammer out the details. Trying to work this out through your wife is just giving her more cake to eat as well as power over you.



> I did tell her I still loved her and was willing to work on things if she was able to do what I ask (new job, NC with posOM, IC and MC), but I'm sure it fell on deaf ears..


Just a suggestion but you really need to stop doing this. Going on what you've said your wife is playing you like a fiddle and you keep enabling her to do so. You keep setting boundries and drawing lines in the sand that she keeps crossing because from what I can tell she's faced absolutely no consequences from you for anything she's done. Outside of maybe exposure.

Have you read any of the threads here from the spouses who have had successful R (not that I'm saying this is necessarily possible in your case but it could be) after finding out their spouse cheated? They got their spouses to work towards R by pretty much doing the exact opposite of everything you've been doing and continue to do.

Anyway I hope things start looking up for you. How old is your daughter by the way and how is she holding up through all of this?


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

brokenbown77,
I believe the only thing you can do to influence someone out of their "fog" is to be firm in making them experience the consequences of their actions. Love, support, education is all just blah, blah, blah to them.

When I served my wife with divorce papers a couple of weeks ago it did more in 2 seconds to blow away her "fog" than 16 months of counseling, reading, talking and etc. That disconnect from reality I had seen in her eyes has been replaced with a look of shock and desperation. It was truly amazing to see it happen right before me. If I had to do it all over again I would have served her immediately after Day and told her you have until the Court processes our divorce to change my mind and the ball is in your court. We BSs carry way too much of the load in trying to save our marriages.

Be firm, patient and committed to doing what is right in your best interest.


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## brokendown77 (Dec 15, 2012)

Jasel said:


> Did you file yet? You should let the lawyers work out any financial/custody issues and hammer out the details. Trying to work this out through your wife is just giving her more cake to eat as well as power over you.
> 
> Just a suggestion but you really need to stop doing this. Going on what you've said your wife is playing you like a fiddle and you keep enabling her to do so. You keep setting boundries and drawing lines in the sand that she keeps crossing because from what I can tell she's faced absolutely no consequences from you for anything she's done. Outside of maybe exposure.
> 
> ...


I have read through a lot of threads on the site from reconciliation, life after divorce, CWI, etc. For the past couple weeks I have been avoiding all contact with her unless it involved my daughter and I thought the "talk" last night would be in the right direction, which it wasn't. I understand that she is trying to keep me under her thumb and it was a really dumb move to tell her I loved her and the like, so I've tried to rectify my stupidity and begun talking to lawyers this morning. I've also researched joint parenting custody schedules and agreements as well. I just consulted with one over the phone and got some good info and have a list of six more in my area. 

My daughter is only a year and half old, but knows what is going on. I'm certain she can sense the hostility in the air and the discontent, she is a very loving and sweet child and loves to give hugs and kisses, but at night she just can't sleep anymore and is very clingy during the day. When our marriage was strong she used to sleep through the night, what a difference 6 months makes.



cj9947 said:


> brokenbown77,
> I believe the only thing you can do to influence someone out of their "fog" is to be firm in making them experience the consequences of their actions. Love, support, education is all just blah, blah, blah to them.
> 
> When I served my wife with divorce papers a couple of weeks ago it did more in 2 seconds to blow away her "fog" than 16 months of counseling, reading, talking and etc. That disconnect from reality I had seen in her eyes has been replaced with a look of shock and desperation. It was truly amazing to see it happen right before me. If I had to do it all over again I would have served her immediately after Day and told her you have until the Court processes our divorce to change my mind and the ball is in your court. We BSs carry way too much of the load in trying to save our marriages.
> ...


That is my only option left. I have suffered long enough and I doubt I can be happy and trusting her again, all I hear out of her mouth is "lie, lie, lie". 

One thing I want to address when this is all over is the correlation between a cheating parent and their children. My wife's biological father cheated on her mother after 5 years (the same length of time me and my wife have been together). Not only that, but the lines he said to my MIL were *exactly* the same BS she has been spewing from her mouth to me. I know this because I've talked to my MIL about it, and we are both amazed on how she has basically said verbatim what her cheating father told her mother 17 years ago. And the crazy part? My wife and her father haven't spoken since he left when she was 10! I'd hate to have my daughter suffer the same fate, but at least now I know what to look for in her behavior.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

cj, from your pen into every BH's eyes...if ONLY they would all do the same thing. 

The quickest fog burnout I ever heard of was a man caught his wife with OM in one of their rentals, naked, on the floor. He never said a word. He whipped out his phone, took a picture, texted it to OM's wife. He scooped up their clothes, walked into the street, and dumped all the clothes there. He drove home. By the time he got home, his wife was right behind him, on her knees begging him to forgive her.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

brokendown77 said:


> *. . . so I've tried to rectify my stupidity and begun talking to lawyers this morning . . .
> 
> That is my only option left. I have suffered long enough and I doubt I can be happy and trusting her again, all I hear out of her mouth is "lie, lie, lie" . . .*


Dear brokendown77,

You never had another option. I hope you understand that now and don't continue to think that your situation can be improved any other way than by filing, the sooner the better.

However, given your penchant for magnifying every little improvement you think you see in your WW and continuing to beg her to come back, I'm not holding my breath.

The lesson you really need to learn is that weak men eventually lose their women, to another man or to something else that leaves them in a monogamous but loveless relationship. You need to read "The Married Man Sex Life Primer" by Athol Kay. It will teach you how to be the kind of man that women fall in love with and remain faithful to.

Good luck.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

turnera said:


> cj, from your pen into every BH's eyes...if ONLY they would all do the same thing.
> 
> The quickest fog burnout I ever heard of was a man caught his wife with OM in one of their rentals, naked, on the floor. He never said a word. He whipped out his phone, took a picture, texted it to OM's wife. He scooped up their clothes, walked into the street, and dumped all the clothes there. He drove home. By the time he got home, his wife was right behind him, on her knees begging him to forgive her.


I had a similar reaction to my wifes EA and got the same results.

I did talk to her, but only to tell her to pack up her chit because she wasn't wanted anymore.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Has anything changed? What did that mean? Is she asking if you can stay with her while she has her affair? Did you ask her that?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Ovid said:


> I had a similar reaction to my wifes EA and got the same results.
> 
> I did talk to her, but only to tell her to pack up her chit because she wasn't wanted anymore.


This.

I think you should send her a text. Ask her what the point of asking you to talk was and then sit there and lie like her daddy.

Then tell her she isn't wanted anymore.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Here is a post from a current thread you can give her with the divorce papers.

*Me and my husband were married 16 years. We had 2 boys, 14 and 12. Financially we were good. We bought a fixer upper in a good location, that eventually became a great location. About 4 years into our marriage we came into an inheritance which allowed us to pay off our mortgage and fix up the home. So 4 years into our marriage we were pretty great. My husband had his job and I worked for a graphics design office. Life was good my husband had his hobbies, Elks club, ETC.

Some time over a year ago I felt like I was missing something from our marriage. I felt like I didn't have enough time or attention with my husband. He had his work and other things of interest but I was sort of on the side, or at least that is what I felt. I felt a bit silly complaining about it so I just let it go. It was a mistake.

During that time we ( me and my husband ) went to a neighbors party and I met a friend of a friend. He was nice man he had a business the next town over. We spoke a bit I didn't think much of it. He asked what I did and was interested in some work for his business. I gave him my work number and continued on with the party. 

Two days later I get a call from this man lets call him Jim. Jim wants some work done and we go over some ideas and prices, he then asks for my cell number. At first I was a bit hesitant but I gave it to him. I pretended it was for work, but I knew deep down it wasn't. He was a single man in his mid 40s like myself and my husband.

We began to talk and what started out as a emotional relationship went physical. We only meet a few times before I got caught about 4 or 5 months into it.

Of course my husband was furious with me as it brought up an old incident. When my second son was 6 months old I had an emotional affair via phone and text with a old high school boyfriend that came back to town for a short time. We went to counseling and it worked itself out. I admit it was really foolish and stupid of me. 

But now its different.

We contact a marriage counselor and we started counseling, unfortunately I kept in contact with Jim. You guys call that a fake reconciliation. I just couldn't give him up. I thought I loved him and he told me he loved me. 

I got caught twice during talking to Jim. The 2nd time was the straw that broke the camels back for my husband. I told my husband I was talking to a friend at work named carol who went through this as well, but in reality it was Jim. Understandably my husband blew his top since I was at home talking with Jim when he thought it was Carol. 

All along my husband kept telling me it was a fog that he was reading about here on this site and other place. That I didn't love Jim. Honestly I got a bit offended that he was telling me that I didn't know what love is. I loved my husband when I married him, I love my kids. 

The more he came at me to try to fix it, the more I ran away. I can tell you he honestly became a pest at trying to fix this. But he tried more then I did. But the longer I was there the more he annoyed me. 

I wanted to see Jim but I was stuck here with him. I knew my attitude wasn't the best with him. Anything he asked me would some how set me off.

Me and Jim talked about our future together, how much we loved each other. 

In the end I said those words I keep reading about here all the time. " I love you but I'm not in love with anymore." 

I know it killed my husband I could see it in his face, his whole body. But to me I felt I had to be strong for me and for even my husband. He deserved someone to love him as well. 

Why live this lie anymore I thought. 

Well Divorce isn't easy. I stayed in the extra bedroom as we drew up the paperwork. 

During this time my husband finally just stopped asking me to fix it. At first I was relieved that I didn't have to hear it anymore and I didn't have to keep breaking his heart every time as well. But part of me was a bit agitated that he was over me or was strong enough to fake it at least. I realized that I lost one of my anchors and this was happening. 

Again Jim kept reassuring me being by my side so I was strong.

My husband lost weight from the stress and then began going to the gym to work out. It was a noticeable change. He also seemed to be more in charge or more organized.

Well we signed the papers and he gave some last words expressing how disappointed he was with me. 

I moved into my new apartment and we did the customary every other weekend thing. 

As expected my kids would go over to now my Ex and Jim would come over on Friday, spend the night and we would be together all day Saturday. Basically like a new relationship acting like kids and making "love" all the time and all over the place.

Months went by my Ex meet someone. Fortunately for men in this day in age, Men usually can or do date younger women and of course this women was almost 10 years younger then me. Yes it annoyed me. 

Well reality started setting in about 7 months after I left. There isn't anything particular I can say started it. But I remember one time, one of sons was sick and I can tell that Jim was a bit annoyed that I kept him home and just let my other son go to his dads. He commented why couldn't my Ex handle it. 

It was those sorts of things that made me compare Jim to my EX and since Jim had no children I could see he just couldn't understand the bond between a parent and a child. 

It took about another 2 week before I can only call it the slap of reality set in. Me and Jim fell apart, he moved on. This "Fog" my Ex spoke about started to lift and I started saying what in the world did I do. 

I started reflecting back on the past year I began to cry uncontrollably. The one person in the world that would have done ANYTHING for me and I left him. It was only then did I understand what being married was and what being a family is. I should have done whatever I could to keep my family.

I was ashamed that I didn't see this earlier. That I didn't see that my family was worth more then this. That I was totally selfish. 

My husband kept telling me all of this, but it just sounded all crazy and silly. It just sounded like a man making excuses to get back together. 

Well now that I see and understand, I would see my Ex and I started having feeling for him. But I just didn't have the courage to say anything after all I did to him. How could I, plus he is with someone else now. 

I wait another 2 month its just about 9 1/2 months since I left and I finally convince him to come over to help out with something for the kids. I fix myself up and I pour my heart out to him. Something I never did in my life. I cried, I begged and apologized. 

What came next killed me. He told no, that he was sorry, but he couldn't risk the pain and that if he was going to take a chance of getting hurt it was with this new person in his life. 

He left and I cried for 2 weeks straight. I now knew what I put him through. What he felt those months ago. I wanted to die from the pain. I couldn't believe how I destroyed my family and the only man that loved me and understood me for all my faults and issues.

I went to therapy because I knew I needed the help. 

So today I came here to post this because my therapist felt it would be a way to heal and maybe I feel a bit better knowing I might help someone else out. To tell my story and hope that someone who might be on the fence would make the right choice to save their family.

I was a fool for not seeing this all for what it was. For not seeing that the one man that loved me was right in front of all this time. That I didn't fight for my marriage and my family. That I waited, when I should have ran back to him to tell him sorry. But I let my pride and fear get in my way. Maybe if I went sooner he would have changed his mind. I will never know now. 

Now instead of being with the person I truly love and that loved me. With the father of my children. The person that has been with me through thick and thin. 

Now I will have to compromise and settle for someone else that is not him. Its a harsh and bitter reality. I ruined my kids lives as well. 

So I hope this will help someone out. Today I see that short of some kind of abuse there is nothing worth giving up a family for.*


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