# Help!!!!



## manda (May 17, 2012)

I’ve been married for 6 years, and about 7 months ago my husband stopped making love to me. I’m so depressed and don’t know what to do. He isn’t having an affair, but he keeps making excuses, and now I’m ready to get a divorce. I try to think of all of his good qualities, but without intimacy, the marriage is doomed. I think


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

How old is he? Mine stopped and now we look back and he has had low testosterone for god knows how long. Have it checked!!


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## manda (May 17, 2012)

He is only 26...Thanks for your help ill look into that


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

What reason does he give?

Are you certain it's not a 'performance' issue?

Does look at porn...how often?

YES get his testesterone checked.

Sorry your feeling so low... but usually if both sides are willing to work on this type of issue it can resolved.

Chin up.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

His age does not matter as far as ED goes. I had issues with it when I was 28. I mean, it was a problem. Some of it was "performance anxiety", and some of it was possibly driven by being in a bad relationship, but I had it. Desire was there...the ability really was not.

If he's making excuses, there are a few likely scenarios:

ED issues. This can easily lead a guy to stop initiating. It does not mean he doesn't want it, it means he does want it and is afraid of failure or disappointing you. Feeling less like a man. So, we make sure we put ourselves in a position where we can't "disappoint"you by just abstaining. Silly, but that's the thought process. Been there.

Boredom issues. Leading to him going outside of the relationship via porn or mental fantasies for the excitement (or more appropriately lack of boredom) he wants. If this is the case, change things up. Let him know that while it's okay that he sometimes does this alone, what you really want is for him to do that with you and share it with you. That being the case, I think you'll see some very positive results. But you can't have hang ups about porn or his masturbation for this to work. Guys view porn and masturbate to it. When you accept that, you can move on from it and include it in your sex life with him. If he won't do that, then it's a "replacement" for you, or possibly porn addiction, which is another story altogether. Or maybe he's too shy to share that with you or think you'll recoil in horror over the thought or suggestion of it, and he's afraid to approach you with it....in which case he'll need some reassurance from you. 

An affair. Self explanatory. This forum is filled with stories of people who were blindsided by a spouse who they did not believe was capable of such a thing. For whatever damn reason, and emotional and physical affair seems to lead both men and women to feel like they're "cheating" on their affair partner with a spouse if they have sex with the spouse. Twisted logic, but it exists and is a common red flag to watch out for when you suspect cheating. This behavior (not having sex with spouse) alone may not support that, but if there are any other red flags, it is time to start digging, and digging deep.

It's time for a talk. If you don't get answers that reflect the first two scenarios (or just a flat out low sex drive due to low hormones), then it's time to seriously consider #3 as an option and do some snooping.

Twenty six year old men do not want to NOT have sex for no good reason. Hell, I'm 46, and I do not want to not have sex for no good reason! Find the reason. If it's anything other than an affair, be understanding and supportive and help him work through it.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Problems with the sexual relationship in a marriage are often indicative of other marital problems. If he is willing to go to a Urologist, that would be a great place to start. Ask him if he would be willing to let you go with him as it can be embarassing to talk with a doctor about these issues. 

After talking with a doc, get yourselves into counseling. You might consider taking a scientific relationship evaluation to identify the strengths and weaknesses of the relationship. I frequently refer people to the RELATE test: The RELATE Institute - The RELATE Institute or to Couple's Checkup:https://www.couplecheckup.com/.


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