# My fiancé can't control her anger



## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

I won't bore you guys with all the details. I've been with my fiancé for 20 months and I've been engaged now for eight months. She has an out-of-control range like I've never seen anybody before. Even the littlest trivial thing can set her off and it usually ends with a major fight and her kicking me out of the house. 
I thought if she loved me as deeply as she does that she would change. But it just keeps getting worse and worse over time. Does anyone have experience with this? Does it ever get better or should I just be done with it and move on?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does she blow up like that at work? how about when she's out shopping? how about with her friends?

I'll wait for you to answer those questions before replying further.


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

No she does not blow up like that at work or in public. Last nights rampage was that she went crazy because I change one of the baby gates that we used to keep our dogs from going upstairs! 
The day before she went on a total tear because I slept in until 9 AM. I have worked 15 hours per day for the last three days previous to that!


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

If someone else was asking you this same question what would you tell me to do. I would hope that you would tell them, get out now be grateful that you dodged a bullet. Why would you want to marry someone that you just described loses control more than anybody you've ever seen. If you think married her fix things you're wrong it's going to get worse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

*Re: My woman has major anger*

Please bore us with the details like...what angers her?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

*Re: My woman has major anger*

i get you love her, but why would you want to spend the rest of your life with this type of relationship?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If she doesn't wear her butt for a hat at work or in public, her displays of anger are either her choice or you're the only person on earth capable of upsetting her.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Re: My woman has major anger*



Blondilocks said:


> Please bore us with the details like...what angers her?


Let me guess... just about anything, even, or especially, stuff over which you had no control or influence?

Does she suffer from what I call NHS, or Nearest Human Syndrome, where the nearest human to her gets blamed for everything?

It probably won't get better. Unless she has anger management and therapy.

Does she have any conditions such as being ASD? Survivor of CSA?


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Any spouse on this website or in the world will tell you that it RARELY gets better.

I have been at the receiving end of an angry spouse and if they don't release their anger by "yelling and screaming," then they hold it in and it comes out in forms of resentment and bitterness towards you, which can be just as emotionally damaging.

I would say, leave her. I am sorry if I hurt you with my advice but you would NOT want to be in my shoes 33 years from now.

Take Care ~


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

jdesey said:


> I won't bore you guys with all the details. I've been with my fiancé for 20 months and I've been engaged now for eight months. She has an out-of-control range like I've never seen anybody before. Even the littlest trivial thing can set her off and it usually ends with a major fight and her kicking me out of the house.
> I thought if she loved me as deeply as she does that she would change. But it just keeps getting worse and worse over time. Does anyone have experience with this? Does it ever get better or should I just be done with it and move on?



She could be bi-polar.

That means she doesn't just get angry, she gets super angry and over little things.


A former co worker did a lot of partying and drugs in her past. She admitted to even trying meth. I wouldn't be surprised if she is partially bi-polar from her partying past.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jdesey,

You had two threads, each in a different forum, on the same topic. I merged the two thread.

Please keep it to one thread on a topic.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Maybe she gets mad when he shoots her in the foot. Maybe he's a man-child who expects her to cater to him and clean his ears. We just can't offer advice with no details.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jdesey said:


> No she does not blow up like that at work or in public. Last nights rampage was that she went crazy because I change one of the baby gates that we used to keep our dogs from going upstairs!
> The day before she went on a total tear because I slept in until 9 AM. I have worked 15 hours per day for the last three days previous to that!


She can control her anger. If she could not, she would act like that in every environment.

But she knows that if she throw a major anger fit at work, she will be fired and maybe even arrested. If she does it with friends, she would not have friends and they might call the cops on her too. If she does it while shopping... very good chance that they will call the cops.

She does it with you because you put up with it. She in an abusive control freak. She controls you and the situation by using her anger blow ups, by kicking you out of the house, etc.

But let's look at the REAL problem. It is that you put up with this. Why do you stay with someone who treats you like this? When she kicks you out, why do you go back?

She knows that she has someone who she can abuse. See, she tried this same thing with other guys and they all dumped her sorry, abusive behind. But not you.. nope. So can you tell us why you put up with this even once, much less over a long period of time?


.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Sounds like she has Hateful Bat syndrome, a very common ailment. How does her mother treat her father? Most folks learn how to be in a relationship by watching their parents. If she's a loud, pushy bat, her mama probably is, too. The very last place on earth you wish to be is in a marriage with a hateful, spiteful wife and an equally hateful MIL. The appropriate remedy for a fiance' with that ailment is to dump them. It isn't your job to raise her or cure her mental illness. She is an adult and she is what she is. If you don't dig who she is in dating mode you really won't like who she becomes in wife mode.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

jdesey said:


> No she does not blow up like that at work or in public. Last nights rampage was that she went crazy because I change one of the baby gates that we used to keep our dogs from going upstairs!
> The day before she went on a total tear because I slept in until 9 AM. I have worked 15 hours per day for the last three days previous to that!


Yup she sounds like a keeper.


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## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> She can control her anger. If she could not, she would act like that in every environment.
> 
> But she knows that if she throw a major anger fit at work, she will be fired and maybe even arrested. If she does it with friends, she would not have friends and they might call the cops on her too. If she does it while shopping... very good chance that they will call the cops.
> 
> ...


This all day long, read, read it again, then read it one more time!

Sent from my A0001 using Tapatalk


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Love does not exist where respect does not.


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

Thank you everybody for your replies. Yes everyone is actually correct. I have to consider what one poster said that she can regulate her anger and other situations such as work. 
I guess I foolishly thought if you love me enough and I relationship was important enough that she would change. I have to except that I was wrong


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Selective emotional misregulation  suggests BPD could be involved...


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## sabz (Dec 27, 2015)

Hi, I read your post regarding your fiancé, I think you are with her because to felt loved, I think you liked her and thought she would love you hence you stayed with her. I think your fiancé anger is because subconsciously she knows this. And if you are considering leaving her then leave her, a broken engagement is better then a broken marriage. Maybe your happiness is somewhere else. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> I won't bore you guys with all the details. I've been with my fiancé for 20 months and I've been engaged now for eight months. She has an out-of-control range like I've never seen anybody before.* Even the littlest trivial thing can set her off and it usually ends with a major fight and her kicking me out of the house. *
> I thought if she loved me as deeply as she does that she would change. But it just keeps getting worse and worse over time. Does anyone have experience with this? Does it ever get better or should I just be done with it and move on?


How do you handle it when something sets her off? Do you get start to defend yourself and it escalates? That's something you can change - your reaction. If she starts yelling, tell her that you can't have a discussion with her if she's yelling. If she starts insulting you, tell her not to talk to you like that. Walk out of the room until she can speak like a normal person. Don't engage with her while she's raging.

She can learn that she has to treat you with civility, just like the people at work or elsewhere, but you have to make it clear to her that you expect that from her at the least.

Is she like this with her family? Is her mom or dad like this, too? It may be a learned behavior; she might not realize how disturbing this is to you if she grew up around it all her life.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Read this book and see if there are any similarities...

https://m.audiobooksnow.com/details.shtml?id=242229


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I was with a physically abusive rage-aholic for 12 years. It doesn't get better, it gets worse. Trust me on this.

1) He went batsh&t crazy when I made a sandwich directly on the countertop, not on a plate.

2) One xmas night he was making dinner. I asked when he would be done cooking (in a level, nonconfrontational tone, I knew better than to speak to him in any other way). He, again, went batsh&t crazy. I had to call the police. He was arrested.

Her problem is bigger than you can fix, or bigger than her faux love for you. You're her whipping boy and she gets off on it. Dump her. Today.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Idesey, I agree with @*john117* that the inability to control one's own emotions is the key hallmark of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Yet, if your fiance really does exhibit a strong pattern of BPD traits, you should be seeing many more warning signs than the one you mention. 



jdesey said:


> I have to consider what one poster said that she can regulate her anger and other situations such as work.


If she has strong BPD traits, it is not necessarily true that she should be able to regulate her anger around you if she is doing it around her business associates. The reason is that you may be capable of triggering fears that coworkers cannot trigger. The vast majority of BPDers are high functioning, which means they usually get along fine with business colleagues, casual friends, and total strangers. The reason is that NONE of those folks are able to trigger the BPDer's two great fears: abandonment and engulfment. 

There is no close relationship that can be abandoned and no intimacy to cause the suffocating feeling of engulfment. This is why a BPDer can be caring and generous all day long to complete strangers and business associates -- and go home at night to abuse the very person who loves her.



> I thought if she loved me as deeply as she does that she would change.


If she is a BPDer (i.e., has strong BPD traits), loving you does NOT mean she will change and improve. By its very nature, BPD typically is invisible to the person suffering from strong BPD traits. A BPDer is filled with so much shame and self loathing that her subconscious mind protects her fragile ego from seeing too much of reality. 

It accomplishes this by projecting nearly all painful thoughts and feelings onto her partner. Because this occurs entirely at the subconscious level, she will be absolutely convinced -- at the conscious level -- that YOU are the source of her every misfortune and painful feeling. It therefore is rare for a BPDer to be sufficiently self aware of her own issues to be willing to correct them.



> My fiancé and I broke up five weeks ago and she kicked me out. Since then I haven't been back numerous times only to be kicked out again. [Your 12/11 post.]


If she is a BPDer, that push-away and pull-back cycle is to be expected. BPDer relationships are notorious for having multiple breakups. A BPDfamily survey of about 460 such relationships found that nearly a fourth of them (23%) went through 10 or more complete breakup/makeup cycles BEFORE finally ending for good. About 40% of the BPDer relationships experienced at least six breakup/makeup cycles before ending. And 73% had three or more breakup/makeup cycles before finally ending. See "Results" at BPDfamily Breakup/Makeup Poll.



> Just three days ago she was saying that she hated my guts never wanted anything to do with me again.... but now today says that she does love me. [Your 12/11 post.]


If she is a BPDer, this rapid flipping between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing or even hating you) is to be expected. Because a BPDer has the emotional development of a 4 year old, she cannot tolerate having to deal with strong mixed feelings. Like a young child, she will avoid this problem by "splitting off" the conflicting feeling, putting it far out of reach of her conscious mind. 

Hence, while a BPDer is splitting you black (i.e., hating you), she does not have to deal with the fact that she has loving feelings for you because she is not consciously aware of those feelings. Likewise, when she is splitting you white (i.e., adoring you), she doesn't have to deal with her negative feelings about you. 

Because the middle ground (i.e., grey area) does not exist in her consciousness, a BPDer will split you white or black. Moreover, because no grey area exists, the smallest infraction on your part (real or imagined) can cause her to flip from adoring you to hating you in just ten seconds.



> Does anyone have experience with this?


Both John and I have experience with BPDers but we cannot know whether this behavioral problem applies to your GF's situation. As I noted above, you should be seeing many more warning signs than the one you mention (i.e., her temper tantrums) if your fiance really does exhibit a strong pattern of BPD traits. 

I therefore suggest that, if you are still reluctant to break off the engagement, you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you read about BPD warning signs to see if they seem to apply.

An easy place to start reading is my list of _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings any bells, I would be glad to join John and the other respondents in discussing them with you. 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your fiance's issues. Only a professional can do that. The main reason for learning these red flags, then -- like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack -- is to help you decide whether there is sufficient reason to spend money seeking a professional opinion -- and to help you avoid a very painful situation. Take care, Idesey.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If she were mentally ill she would be unable to control her anger around others. She manages to do so or she wouldn't have a job or any friends. It's incorrect to say she can't control it. She unleashes it upon you but not on others. That's control. Even so, whether she is BPD, Bipolar, or a peanut butter sandwich, that's not your problem. You didn't raise her. You didn't give her a mental disorder. 
You don't have the power to change her upbringing or to cure mental illness. Dating is the process we go through for mate selection. You have discovered that she doesn't even have the very bare minimum qualifications for the position. Get out and find someone who is physically, mentally, and emotionally capable of actually being in an adult relationship. You aren't the Psycho Whisperer.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

jdesey said:


> I won't bore you guys with all the details. I've been with my fiancé for 20 months and I've been engaged now for eight months. She has an out-of-control range like I've never seen anybody before. Even the littlest trivial thing can set her off and it usually ends with a major fight and her kicking me out of the house.
> I thought if she loved me as deeply as she does that she would change. But it just keeps getting worse and worse over time. Does anyone have experience with this? Does it ever get better or should I just be done with it and move on?


Marrying someone w/ the hope that she (or he) will change is dumb.

Don't get me wrong, almost everyone changes to some degree or another after marriage. But when people such as your fiancée wind up changing, it's rarely for the better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> If she were mentally ill she would be unable to control her anger around others. She manages to do so or she wouldn't have a job or any friends. It's incorrect to say she can't control it.


I disagree, Unbelievable. That's like saying that, if she doesn't get panic attacks while riding in a car, she cannot suffer a panic attack while riding in an elevator or airplane. Different people suffering from mental illness can have very different triggers. The result is that their ability to control themselves in one situation does NOT imply they can do so everywhere. 

As I tried to explain above, it is not necessarily true that a BPDer should be able to regulate her anger around her partner if she is doing it around her business associates. The reason is that the partner will trigger fears that coworkers cannot trigger. The vast majority of BPDers are high functioning (HF), which means they usually get along fine with business colleagues, casual friends, and total strangers. 

Significantly, NONE of those folks are able to trigger the HF BPDer's two great fears: abandonment and engulfment. There is no close relationship that can be abandoned and no intimacy to cause the suffocating feeling of engulfment. This is why a BPDer can be caring and generous all day long to complete strangers and business associates -- and go home at night to abuse the very person who loves her.

Like BPDers, very young children lack the emotional skills to properly regulate their own emotions. Their inability to fully control their emotions, however, does not give them a free pass to abuse everyone in the household. On the contrary, it is important -- for their own welfare -- that they be held accountable for their own actions. This means that children and BPDers must be allowed to suffer the logical consequences of their own bad decisions (within reason, of course, for the three year olds). Otherwise, they have no incentive to learn the emotional skills needed to control those emotions.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

OP, ask yourself whether you say and do things that you know are triggers and bait her, whether intentionally or not.

With certain, I've learned to be off limits with certain topics. When I successfully do that, I am able to avoid unpleasant exchanges with that person.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Uptown said:


> I disagree, Unbelievable. That's like saying that, if she doesn't get panic attacks while riding in a car, she cannot suffer a panic attack while riding in an elevator or airplane. Different people suffering from mental illness can have very different triggers. The result is that their ability to control themselves in one situation does NOT imply they can do so everywhere.
> 
> As I tried to explain above, it is not necessarily true that a BPDer should be able to regulate her anger around her partner if she is doing it around her business associates. The reason is that the partner will trigger fears that coworkers cannot trigger. The vast majority of BPDers are high functioning (HF), which means they usually get along fine with business colleagues, casual friends, and total strangers.
> 
> ...


Whether someone agrees to be a spouse, a firefighter, or a rodeo clown, we should be able to assume they actually can perform the role they accept. Marrying this woman would agreeing to be abused for the rest of one's life. He should not have to walk on egg shells the rest of his days because this woman has a mental defect (which is doubtful). My wife has Bipolar but she has it at the store, she had it when she was at work. It wasn't a condition she only hauled out at home and only on me. I'll tolerate a lot. I tolerate far more than I should. I won't tolerate incivility and I wouldn't suggest anyone else do so. This man isn't married. He has no kids with this woman. He can walk away. She's showing her Sunday Go To Meeting manners right now. Once the ceremony is over, the real beast will appear and only be progressively worse.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> My wife has Bipolar but she has it at the store, she had it when she was at work. It wasn't a condition she only hauled out at home and only on me.


Yes, I understand what you're saying, Unbelievable. My foster son has bipolar-1 and, like you say, he displays his condition everywhere when he is manic or depressed. 

To be clear, most BPDers do not confine their rages only to one person or only "at home." Rather, the anger will be triggered by anyone who makes the mistake of drawing close and trying to establish an intimate, close LTR with the BPDer. 

This means that any casual friend who becomes a close and intimate friend will soon find himself triggering her two fears (abandonment and engulfment). This is why it is unusual for BPDers to have any close long-term friendships or relationships. They eventually drive all of the long term friends away (unless they live a long distance from each other and rarely interact). The HF BPDers nonetheless will continue to generally get along well with casual friends, coworkers, and total strangers. 

This is not to say, however, that Jdesey's fiance exhibits a strong pattern of BPD traits. If she does, Jdesey should be seeing many more BPD warning signs than the uncontrolled rages and lack of impulse control he mentions.


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

Uptown said:


> Yes, I understand what you're saying, Unbelievable. My foster son has bipolar-1 and, like you say, he displays his condition everywhere when he is manic or depressed.
> 
> To be clear, most BPDers do not confine their rages only to one person or only "at home." Rather, the anger will be triggered by anyone who makes the mistake of drawing close and trying to establish an intimate, close LTR with the BPDer.
> 
> ...


Uptown does know a lot about BPD. But some people with BPD traits are very insightful about their illness.

I don't have BPD but I do have BPD traits (psychiatrist diagnosed) and I'm well aware of my emotional dysregulation, fears of abandonment and engulfment. 

I will tell you this if you get on a BPD'ers "unsafe list" you probably won't get off of this. Once I don't trust someone or really don't like someone I'll hate them for life.


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

Is it sexual frustration? Is it pre-menstrual tension?

Without intending to be judgemental, I can be a real meanie if deprived of access to at least occasional sex... 



jdesey said:


> I won't bore you guys with all the details. I've been with my fiancé for 20 months and I've been engaged now for eight months. She has an out-of-control range like I've never seen anybody before. Even the littlest trivial thing can set her off and it usually ends with a major fight and her kicking me out of the house.
> I thought if she loved me as deeply as she does that she would change. But it just keeps getting worse and worse over time. Does anyone have experience with this? Does it ever get better or should I just be done with it and move on?


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

I haven't checked this message board and a few days but thank you everybody for grandpa. My fiancé was analyze for a BPD and was determined not to have that disorder. I forgot to tell you guys that I have BPD and I'm on medication. When I look at her anger outburst I realize in many cases I trigger it. Maybe I do it to get some kind of thrill out of the adrenaline. I usually have my chance to go take a timeout but I have a hard time doing that. I am in therapy currently. I'm trying desperately to get her to go back to see her therapist. The one thing I know is that I still love this woman very very much and would give anything to see it work out


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

> I have BPD and I'm on medication.


Jdesey, by "BPD," do you mean Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) or bipolar disorder (BD)? I ask because medication is used to treat bipolar but not BPD. Although meds are often prescribed to BPDers, it is targeted to the co-occurring disorders (e.g., PTSD, GAD, depression, or bipolar), not to the BPD itself.


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

I mean Bi Polar. That's what she was tested for. I have bipolar II.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Jdesey, I strongly suggest you follow the two links I provided above (post #24) to see if most of the 18 BPD warning signs sound very familiar. Whereas your bipolar disorder is a disease caused by changes in body chemistry, BPD is not a disease and is not caused by body chemistry changes. Rather, it is a "personality disorder" that is believed to be created before age six by a childhood trauma (e.g., abandonment or abuse) together with an inherited predisposition. It therefore cannot be treated by swallowing a pill.

Significantly, the emotional instability and dysregulation you describe is most commonly caused by a hormone change (e.g., PMS, pregnancy, postpartum, or perimenopause) or by drug abuse. An important issue, then, is whether your fiance's mood flips have been persistent over time (starting in her mid teens as BPD typically does) and whether she abuses any drugs. If the hormone and drug problems can be ruled out, the two remaining common causes are BPD and bipolar. Neither John nor I suggested that you consider bipolar because the sudden event-triggered, short-lived mood flips you describe are characteristic of BPD, not bipolar.


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

Uptown said:


> Jdesey, I strongly suggest you follow the two links I provided above (post #24) to see if most of the 18 BPD warning signs sound very familiar. Whereas your bipolar disorder is a disease caused by changes in body chemistry, BPD is not a disease and is not caused by body chemistry changes. Rather, it is a "personality disorder" that is believed to be created before age six by a childhood trauma (e.g., abandonment or abuse) together with an inherited predisposition. It therefore cannot be treated by swallowing a pill.
> 
> Significantly, the emotional instability and dysregulation you describe is most commonly caused by a hormone change (e.g., PMS, pregnancy, postpartum, or perimenopause) or by drug abuse. An important issue, then, is whether your fiance's mood flips have been persistent over time (starting in her mid teens as BPD typically does) and whether she abuses any drugs. If the hormone and drug problems can be ruled out, the two remaining common causes are BPD and bipolar. Neither John nor I suggested that you consider bipolar because the sudden event-triggered, short-lived mood flips you describe are characteristic of BPD, not bipolar.


Having a spouse with BPD is similar to adopting a shelter dog with behavior problems. 

:grin2:

Actually, it's very therapeutic for those with BPD to work with animals that have issues. The mind becomes more focused on the animal and less worried about it's own chaos.


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## Jackson G (May 29, 2013)

Wow. All I can say is wow. This thread alone is both on time and totally priceless. I want to thank the OP and everyone who chipped in, especially Uptown (I am looking at all the links you gave). Yes, there are some minor differences between my situation and that of the OP, but not enough to matter. So again, thanks to all of you. You help so many more people than you will ever know.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

jdesey said:


> No she does not blow up like that at work or in public.


Well, there you go. Now you know what the problem is: you.

Boundaries and consequences. Start small. Build on it.

"I won't accept being screamed at. If you raise your voice at me, I will leave the room. We can talk later if you can control your screaming." 

AND THEN LEAVE THE VERY NEXT TIME SHE DOES IT. Stay in the other room for at least 20 minutes.

You HAVE to back up your boundary declaration with an actual consequence.

Now, if she follows you to the next room, leave the house and go for a walk or a drive. Come back in an hour. If she starts in on you again, turn right back around and leave for 3 or 4 hours. If she tries to scream at you again when you get home, go pack an overnight bag and leave and go to a hotel or a friend's house (do you see how this is YOU controlling the situation instead of letting HER control it by kicking YOU out?). When you come back the next day, if she's just standing there waiting for you to return so she can scream again, pack some more clothes and leave for two days. Then three days. Then a week. 

By this time, SHE SEES your actions. SHE KNOWS you'll no longer just stand there and let her disrespect you. She has to either control herself (like she does with everyone ELSE in her life) or lose you. Now, YOU are in control. And btw, THIS guy? He's attractive. He's someone she's gonna want to earn back. Not the doormat who stands there and lets her berate him.

Once you've had to be gone a week because she simply refuses to control herself, it's pretty clear she needs professional help. If you come back after being gone a week and she won't stop screaming, it's up to YOU to calmly tell her "You need professional help and until you get it, we have nothing more to discuss. Let me know once you've started seeing a therapist, and we'll talk." And then LEAVE.

Now, if she has BPD (borderline personality disorder), this is going to freak her out big time, and she probably WILL keep screaming every time she sees you. But if she's unwilling to treat it, you going to this extreme may be necessary, if you want to have any kind of future with her. The graduated steps I suggest (a little more time away each time) CAN be informative, if she really loves you and wants to keep you. It gives her time to see what a direct reaction to her action looks like, and gives her time to see how the consequence keeps getting more and more severe. I'm sure she's not dumb, she'll see that you're expecting decent behavior from her. Keep the conversation open, but remove yourself upon poor treatment. Rinse and repeat.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

jdesey,

It never gets less painful living with someone who can get angry at you for ANYTHING, but then gets a phone call and changes into the most understanding, polite and humane person on the planet. Why is this winney, annoying and useless caller, whos kids and husband hate her, getting the best treatment?

Not that I'm bitter or anything!

Tamat


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Who cares if she's BPD? Who cares if she is bi polar? Why should you care? 

She's an abusive b!tch who uses anger to control you and you let her. Her parents probably never disciplined her and let her get away with that crap all through her childhood. 

Ever been in a supermarket and for the whole half-hour you are there you hear that kid screaming at his mom from across the store, flipping out because she won't buy him what he wants? She won't take him in the back restroom and give his little butt the paddling it needs? That is your fiancee. 

It is only going to get worse if you marry her. Your codependent, white night mindset is going to trap you in a miserable life with this hellcat, never knowing when she is going to blow up, always living on the knife's edge....

Is that what you want for your future? Is that what you think you deserve?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

turnera said:


> Well, there you go. Now you know what the problem is: you.
> 
> Boundaries and consequences. Start small. Build on it.
> 
> ...


This^^^
She knows what she is talking about.
One little phrase...
If you don't respect yourself who will.
End this cycle today.


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