# Talking to him is a joke....



## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

So, tonight, I took the opportunity to talk to my h about our relationship. Let him know that I am totally serious about leaving, that I am making that one last plea. And it seems the more I understand what is going on in our relationship and the more I understand about his behaviors, the more ridiculous our conversation becomes. I stay calm, which just seems to get him more upset. I don't blame. I say that it doesn't matter who's at fault, it just matters that we try to fix things. But, the things that come out of his mouth don't even make sense. He cries. He says, "I don't know. What do you want me to say? How do you want me to fix this? Do you think I LIKE sleeping on the couch?" Which always gets to me because I have tried and tried and tried to get him to move back into our room. He slowly started sleeping on the couch last year and by Christmas it was every night. I tried and tried and tried to get my h back and to have sex, but this month it has been a year. His response? Do you think I LIKE not having sex??? No, I don't think you like it, but you sure do nothing to remedy the situation.

It's like he always has to play the martyr. That things are so bad for him. And, all of a sudden, I can see this for the joke it really is. Actually, it's pretty sad. But, my part in this is over. This marriage has been a complete joke from day 1. We didn't even have sex on our wedding night. And we've had sex 3 times since and been married a little over a year. That's not a marriage. I'm out.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I'm sorry it came to this.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Yeah, me too. But, I'm not sorry I've realized it now. Just sorry I couldn't do anything to fix it or didn't see it in the first place. What a waste of time.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

It seems it was only a waste of time because you've had your mind made up long ago. You keep suggesting he has the power to change it by changing himself but have you honestly given him even a bone? Anyways, I'm not trying to be mean to you, this must be truly sad for you, but this is no joke, his world is about to become a very dark and painful place... but you need to do what you need to do, and no matter what I say, filing for a divorce is a much higher road than the cowardly way of having an exit affair so I respect you for your courage.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Lon said:


> It seems it was only a waste of time because you've had your mind made up long ago. You keep suggesting he has the power to change it by changing himself but have you honestly given him even a bone? Anyways, I'm not trying to be mean to you, this must be truly sad for you, but this is no joke, his world is about to become a very dark and painful place... but you need to do what you need to do, and no matter what I say, filing for a divorce is a much higher road than the cowardly way of having an exit affair so I respect you for your courage.


Yes, I've given him the time to change. I've given him repeated warnings that I am going to leave. He has the power to change. I just don't know if he truly WANTS to. I've tried pleading. I've tried talking. I've tried to just ignore the problems as he does. None if it has worked. We are now 15 months into our marriage and we haven't had sex for an entire year. I want children and I can't have children in this marriage and nothing ever changes with us. I feel it was a waste of time because we have nothing to show for the time we put into this marriage. Because I had much higher hopes for us, but as soon as we married, he put up a wall and I've been fighting to get in ever since.

Until I truly put this plan into action, I don't think he is going to truly admit to himself that I can leave him. Maybe that will change things, maybe not. At this point, I just want to move on. I fought him and fought him for quite some time and I finally just had to remove myself from the situation emotionally so I could get on with other things in my life.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Yep... when you serve him with papers you will know then if he is really up to the challenge or not... all I ask is if the reality starts to hit him don't be afraid to glance back, and if you see real change don't be afraid to accept it because I personally know people that were at your point and have been actually able to get past it... I wanted that so bad for myself - I know I still have so much work to do on myself that my W still wouldn't be able to see any real change, but I know for myself I am making the right kind of changes for me, just that its too late to save the marriage because my W lost faith and is too unwilling to even look back. I can tell you have lost faith too, but you possibly haven't given up all hope yet, hold onto that for just a little longer... if divorce papers bounces off your H the same way everything else has then you will know with certainty that he doesn't want the marriage either. Good luck, I can only imagine how hard this is for you...


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## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

It sounds awful and pathetic but if you have any remaining interest in fixing it, I have a few specific suggestions. Perhaps you have already tried them but maybe not. 



ku1980rose said:


> it just matters that we try to fix things.
> 
> _*He sounds clueless and needs specifics that are ACTIONABLE. Try this as a last resort. Tell him he needs to
> 
> ...


This looks like a classic case of the differences in how men and women communicate. Give him ACTIONABLE SPECIFICS with time, date, qty, what. He asked and you are still speaking in generalities. 

If you go the "I shouldnt have to" route, its over. Perhaps you are right, but the pattern established isnt working. Try actionable specifics. If he does it, give him some praise and keep it going with some new stuff you want him to do but keep it specific and actionable.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Lon said:


> Yep... when you serve him with papers you will know then if he is really up to the challenge or not... all I ask is if the reality starts to hit him don't be afraid to glance back, and if you see real change don't be afraid to accept it because I personally know people that were at your point and have been actually able to get past it... I wanted that so bad for myself - I know I still have so much work to do on myself that my W still wouldn't be able to see any real change, but I know for myself I am making the right kind of changes for me, just that its too late to save the marriage because my W lost faith and is too unwilling to even look back. I can tell you have lost faith too, but you possibly haven't given up all hope yet, hold onto that for just a little longer... if divorce papers bounces off your H the same way everything else has then you will know with certainty that he doesn't want the marriage either. Good luck, I can only imagine how hard this is for you...


Yes, I have given up all hope and don't really want to look back at this point. I've felt like maybe it was a mistake in the beginning. The physical attraction was never totally there like other relationships I've been in. He was a good friend and a nice guy and put me up on a pedestal and part of me thought, "Hey, maybe this is the way to do it....since nothing else has worked." But, I've found that there is a lot more to it than just being treated nicely. Partly my mistake, but we are both to blame in this situation.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

NoIssues said:


> It sounds awful and pathetic but if you have any remaining interest in fixing it, I have a few specific suggestions. Perhaps you have already tried them but maybe not.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I have tried to be specific. Maybe not as specific as the above post, but specific. Like, talk to me about your children. Tell me what happened between their mom and you and them. All he ever says is, "You don't even know what I've gone through." You are right, I don't. Because I've never been told. At this point, I don't even want him back in my bed. We've had more time of not sharing a bed in our marriage than of sharing a bed and I have absolutely no attraction to having him sleeping with me anymore. Is that terrible? Do you think that could come back with time? I'm afraid if I stay and try to make it come back it won't because I've grown to resent him so much.


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## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

ku1980rose said:


> I have tried to be specific. Maybe not as specific as the above post, but specific. Like, talk to me about your children. Tell me what happened between their mom and you and them. All he ever says is, "You don't even know what I've gone through." You are right, I don't. Because I've never been told. At this point, I don't even want him back in my bed. We've had more time of not sharing a bed in our marriage than of sharing a bed and I have absolutely no attraction to having him sleeping with me anymore. Is that terrible? Do you think that could come back with time? I'm afraid if I stay and try to make it come back it won't because I've grown to resent him so much.


Its not terrible. You are human. He has been ridiculous. Its up to you if you want to end it. I sure wont disagree it has been absurd. 

What I am suggesting is still different from what I am reading. From your description step one is a fat break for immediate restoration of the basics.

1. Share a bed
2. Be intimate
3. Fun filled companionship not heavy conversation about past issues. Give yourself and him a breal from all the heavy stuff and learn to laugh together again 

He is playing victim which allows him to take no responsibility and get lots of attention in his rut. 

Its time to get real direct and him to respond. If you dont, its over. 

Can it be fixed? I think so if you laugh and love again. 

One day at a time with a postive attitude and some reward for your willingness to take the bull by the horns.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Agree he is playing the victim, because he had a covert contract with you (ie a contract that you never really agreed to) at some point in time he put in what he thought he had to (not necessarily what you needed) and it didn't work out for him, and he blames you for all his unmet needs. The more you complain the more he can't understand that you can't see it from his point of view. He definitely needs something to break him out of his toxic way of thinking, and being served with divorce papers is the penultimate resort, after that the only thing left is for a judge to sign off on it...

If he breaks free of his victim mentality he can change, but the question is if it can happen soon enough to save the marriage... KU you sound so convinced that it is already too late, but my responses to you have been in hopes that you can bear just a little more - if you bear as much as you say you have then what is a few more months, it is not indefinite though, its just that to me marriage is sacred and that means you sacrifice to make it work if you have to. There is no harm in sacrificing for something you are vested in, however if you are not vested there is no point in sacrifice because that is just a waste of your own energy. Alternately if he is not vested there is no point in making sacrifice either, but from my perspective looking at his issues, if he is anything like I was, he is still heavily vested in it just turned deeply into his own mind and is failing himself as much as he is failing you. 

But it sounds to me as if you have already checked out and have no intention to work on it any longer, so just do what is right and file.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

NoIssues said:


> 1. Share a bed
> 2. Be intimate
> 3. Fun filled companionship not heavy conversation about past issues. Give yourself and him a breal from all the heavy stuff and learn to laugh together again


I agree with the above. Although fun filled companionship is all we've had together. I've tried to play his game and sweep it all under the rug for the time being and just have fun. We do stuff together. We visit my family. We go out with friends. We go hunting. But, a lot of times, it seems like we are just putting on a show for others. And, then, everything just completely gets swept under the rug and he never brings it up again. And, if I do? Then he freaks out. I think he is truly able to convince himself that everything is fine if we just don't talk about it. I wish I could do that as easily as him.

Bad thing is? I don't even know how to be intimate with him. I don't really want him even touching me at this point. I hate to admit it, and it has taken me a long time to admit it, but I'm totally turned off at the idea. Since he is my husband should I just let him anyway even though I feel repulsed?? It might make sense if we had ever had that kind of intimacy, but I truly feel like it would be like letting a stranger into my room and letting them touch me. Keep in mind, we've barely been married a year and he hasn't touched me since October of last year. So, we've had more time NOT being intimate than being intimate. We were good friends before, but not intimate for long before we married Maybe a year tops?


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Lon said:


> its just that to me marriage is sacred and that means you sacrifice to make it work if you have to. There is no harm in sacrificing for something you are vested in, however if you are not vested there is no point in sacrifice because that is just a waste of your own energy. Alternately if he is not vested there is no point in making sacrifice either, but from my perspective looking at his issues, if he is anything like I was, he is still heavily vested in it just turned deeply into his own mind and is failing himself as much as he is failing you.
> 
> But it sounds to me as if you have already checked out and have no intention to work on it any longer, so just do what is right and file.


I also believe that a marriage is sacred and you have to sacrifice to make it work. That's why this is so difficult for me. But, if it's not working and it's done nothing but go down hill from day one, and I'm not seeing any improvement, then what am I doing here? I want to have a family! And, I'm definitely NOT having that with him in the near future. Maybe never. If you desperately wanted a family and you were with someone who told you they did, too. And then they changed their mind and said they would NEVER have children, wouldn't that be grounds for leaving?? I never thought that would be a choice I would make, but I feel like I've been left with no more options.

Yes, I have checked out. But, that's after a year + of fighting it. Maybe doesn't sound like a long time. But, I don't have years of a good marriage to fall back on with only 1 year of fighting. It seems that everything backfired the minute we got married and he's been shutting me out ever since. And, it's taken me this long to admit that I need out. I've hinted at it. I've asked people if I should leave. I've been told I should leave. And I kept holding on and finally decided it's not going to get better the way it is. Maybe it will if I shock him into reality, but how will I know if I dont' try.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

This is the song that never ends.... 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Just because I've taken time to make this decision, isn't a bad thing. And, just because I say if it shocks him into action then there could be a chance, isn't a bad thing either. At this point, I'm done. But, I never know what might happen in the future and I'm willing to keep an open mind that maybe me leaving will make him turn around. I'm not going to tell him that that is a possibility at this point, though.


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