# I am so embarrassed...



## bayoubengalgal (Oct 12, 2012)

This is going to sound crazy but.... I have been married for 10 years and I think that we have had sex less than 30 times since we have been married. To make the post a little shorter, here are the facts:

1. I have not gained weight.
2. I take really great care of myself.
3. I try to initiate in different ways, sexy clothes, affection, etc with no success.
4. There are financial issues and we are getting through it and it looks hopeful now (I have been working my butt off and I am selling a piece of land to pay off some debt)
5. I am very supportive and listen to him.
6. We have a 7 year old son, not sure how it happened but it was a miracle since we have no sex, like immaculate conception.
7. I am a good mom
8. He travels a lot for work

Before you ask a lot of questions, here is what I asked him to get to the root of the problem:

Q-Do you love me? A-Yes.
Q-Are you in love with me? A-Yes
Q-Are you having an affair? A-No
Q-Do you think I am attractive? A-Yes
Q-What is the problem? A-Stressed Out
Q-Are you punishing me for something? A-No

As for the financial issues, he blames me for them. I cannot imagine why, no kidding. I have had a series of health issues such as diabetes and a really difficult pregnancy that added to our debt. The issues were pretty serious and we did not have maternity insurance so that alone was $40,000. We got hit by two hurricanes that caused damage to our house and property. I am not out shopping at the mall or anything like that. These are unforeseen things that were beyond my control. BUT.... During this mess, my husband went and bought a $50,000 sports car without telling me and I was furious. We could afford it. After a year and a half and $12,000 in car payments, I finally put my foot down and told him to sell it. We did not need or could afford the third car at the time. It never got driven. So, I guess what I am saying is that he says that he is too stressed out to have sex because of money but yet he puts us further in the hole with a stupid car but then blames all of this on me. Am I missing something? Help! I really love him as a person (except for the car incident, he is a pretty good guy), but I am so miserable. It is like getting rejected everyday of my life. I am so lonely. I almost want to have an affair just so some one touches me. I have not been kissed in over 5 years. One of my girlfriends thinks that my husband is nuts. She calls me the "hot mom". I think I am attractive and men seem to hit on me but I want my husband. I still find him attractive. I just want to cry.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Hmmm...I did not see any compliments about your husband is there anything you love about him?

It just might be time to move on


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## bayoubengalgal (Oct 12, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> Hmmm...I did not see any compliments about your husband is there anything you love about him?
> 
> It just might be time to move on


Oh yes, there is stuff I love about him and tell him daily. I tell him that I think he is a great dad, hard worker, good provider, etc. When he does stuff around the house, I thank him. I tell him he is sexy, attractive, etc. I really have tried every tactic to get to the root of the problem. I have been kind, supportive, complimentary, etc. It was 2 weeks ago that I finally blew a gasket. I have never gotten this angry with him before. I just sat up in bed and said, "This is it. I am tired of the constant rejection. Either you tell me what the heck is the matter or we need to really consider a divorce." When he was unresponsive, That is when I got up and threw a pillow at him and slept on the couch. My chest aches everyday. I am starting to have panic attacks. I keep telling myself that there is nothing wrong with me. I never told my mom about the problem and I finally broke down and told her last week after our fight. She could not believe it. I know people might think I am exaggerating but I am so serious. I do not think we have even had sex 30 times but I am giving it the benefit of the doubt. I think I might go back and actually count now that I am thinking of it....


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## Liam (Nov 13, 2009)

Have you considered marriage/intimacy counseling? It's interesting that his 'reasoning' for the lack of intimacy between you is 'stressed out'. I'm not saying there is anything 'wrong' with him or anything, but for us guys, that side of things is often the best form of relieving stress 

If this has been going on for 10 years, I honestly think some form of counseling is the best way forward. Maybe it's something to consider.


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## bayoubengalgal (Oct 12, 2012)

I have asked for counseling and he said "I am not the one with the problem". I do not want to make him sound like some sort of monster because the rest of our relationship is not bad. We laugh, have fun, like good friends. I think today I am going to have a total confrontation. I cannot go on like this. I never sought help until today but I cannot take this anymore. I do agree with you, I said the exact same thing to him about relieving our "stress". He did not say anything.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Medical issues?
Gay?
Porn & masturbation?

You have a sexless marriage & he is avoiding the subject even when you suggested a divorce if he refuses to discuss it. Interesting how getting a divorce doesn't seem to wake him up here.

You can go to counseling alone if he won't go.


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## bayoubengalgal (Oct 12, 2012)

I have found no evidence of medical issues, being gay, porn or masturbation.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Liam said:


> Have you considered marriage/intimacy counseling? It's interesting that his 'reasoning' for the lack of intimacy between you is 'stressed out'. I'm not saying there is anything 'wrong' with him or anything, but for us guys, that side of things is often the best form of relieving stress
> 
> If this has been going on for 10 years, I honestly think some form of counseling is the best way forward. Maybe it's something to consider.


 :iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

bayoubengalgal said:


> *I have asked for counseling and he said "I am not the one with the problem".* I do not want to make him sound like some sort of monster because the rest of our relationship is not bad. We laugh, have fun, like good friends. I think today I am going to have a total confrontation. I cannot go on like this. I never sought help until today but I cannot take this anymore. I do agree with you, I said the exact same thing to him about relieving our "stress". He did not say anything.


I think that has to be the number one answer most people give in his situation. It's so weird how if a couple is in debt, it's their problem (he might blame you for getting into debt (rightly or not, but it's a problem for both of you) yet when a couple has a difficult sex life, it's only a problem for one person.

That's a massive load of BS.

He doesn't see it as a problem because it doesn't affect him. Make it affect him. 

One question I have is, why did it take 10 years for you to blow a gasket? I could understand waiting 1-3 years even, but 10 seems like a long time to wait before finally turning this into an issue worthy of divorce.

I'd just start going to marriage counselling on your own if he doesn't want to go. I'd also consider a seperation for a while. Additionally, I'd visit a lawyer and get some insight on your legal options in case you pursue a divorce.

Get your ducks in a row and plot out a course of action on all fronts, and most importantly, if this really is a divorcable issue for you, tell him so again and make it clear that if he doesn't start trying, you will start walking.


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## bayoubengalgal (Oct 12, 2012)

I have brought up the issue with force a few times and got the same response "I am just stressed out" about 4-5 times a year. My gasket blowing was a little more dramatic than I make it out to be. I think I should say, I went ballistic. I was screaming, not in anger, but shear desperation. It isn't like I have not brought up the topic before but every time it was brought up, I was made to feel like the bad guy or the topic was diverted to something else I was being blamed for. Don't get me wrong, I love the guy. He is a really nice person, great father, hard worker but this part of our relationship SUCKS! Because of all the other great things about him, this one thing was not an absolute deal breaker, just something I thought could be worked out. But I guess what happens is that you get used to it after a while. I am not feeling sorry for myself but I will admit responsibility for not being more emphatic about the subject. When he woke up this morning, I totally confronted it calmly. He told me that he is so stressed out that his chest hurts and he goes to bed thinking WTF. He did not really apologize but said that he will try harder to reconnect with me. It makes me a little hopeful but I have heard this before. I will keep you posted with updates. Maybe I will get lucky tonight. But then it will be at least another 6 months. This is the weird thing... it may be infrequent but when it happens, it is mind blowing. He says it is for him too and I know he is not lying or faking it. It is very good for both of us so I am not sure why it is so infrequent.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

So you get sex when you freak out and make threats?

Sounds like he only wants to have sex with you to keep you, not because he actually wants to.

Is that really what you want in a sex life?


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## bayoubengalgal (Oct 12, 2012)

no, not at all. My freak out was 2 weeks ago and I did not get any so it does not work like that. This morning I did not freak out, just talked. Probably won't get any. I think you are mistaken when I say I confront it then get some. It does not work like that at all. Sex happens spontaneously. Most of the time when I least expect it.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

bayoubengalgal said:


> no, not at all. My freak out was 2 weeks ago and I did not get any so it does not work like that. This morning I did not freak out, just talked. Probably won't get any. I think you are mistaken when I say I confront it then get some. It does not work like that at all. Sex happens spontaneously. Most of the time when I least expect it.


I assume then that he is the one that is spontaneous towards you (IE he initiates). Have you tried discussing with him after sex what it is that triggered his desire? Maybe tell him that the next time he gets in the mood to take a moment when he first realizes he's in the mood to examine what may have helped trigger it. 

He's really going to have to try and figure out what works for him, because you can't be expected to try and figure that out on your own. It's like hiring a new bank manager, then leaving them to run the bank without giving them the code to the vault. 

I find it really odd he uses 'stress' as a reason as much as he does. That to me is just a convient excuse. I'm sure he is stressed at times, but to be that stressed for 10 years is a bit much. He's not on a battlefield I'd assume.


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## bayoubengalgal (Oct 12, 2012)

I am laughing because if you knew him, you would think he was as laid back as asphalt. That is his nickname I gave him a few years ago. I think he is one of those people that internalizes everything. The think that triggers the desire, when I am in the shower.... Why? I have no idea. It seems that every once in a while, if I am in the shower, he jumps in. I do not mind but it is not every time I take a shower.

I think the stress thing is an excuse too. I asked him if he wants to punish me for some reason. He says "no" but I do not believe that. I really think he blames me for the medical bills. He also complains that I am "fragile" and is afraid to hurt me. Blah Blah Blah... I ran a marathon last year, I am not fragile.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Well, if an in shape, naked and wet woman doesn't turn his crank at aleast a little, I'd be asking if he's gay... That should be a turn on, at least once in a while.

If stress is his issue, and if the main cause of stress is debt, and if the main cause of debt is the medical bills (in his opinion) then yes, I could see how he blames you. Not that I'm saying he's correct in thinking that, because I don't think he is, but that could be how he sees things. Thus, he could be blaming you for his stress internally.

Marriage counselling is still the best option, IMO.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Has he always been like this? Was it normal when you got married? Very confusing. Sounds like he just has a low drive. Could be worse. You could be never getting any. Like me.

How old are you guys?


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Seems strange for a guy as we tend to compartmentalize things.
Sex is in one box, debt another, stress another etc. Connecting sex and stress is not unheard of but really unusual. If this is the case he would do well to seek out counseling to manage his stress as it will give him health problems. I would bring up the issue in this way and say you are concerned that his "health" may be affected due to stress. If he blows you off then you know he is using stress as a convenient barrier to sex with you. As far as the "I don't have a problem" I would say "as long as you're in a relationship with me "WE" do because just like the debt it's both of our problem". Or you could offer that you don't feel the debt is a problem so you're just going to stop contributing your part to it ( ? ).


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

In 10 years what have you done to try to fix this? Has he always been this way or did it change at some point?


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## appletree (Oct 9, 2012)

I know it is difficult given your financial situation but counselling would be really helpful. It seems to be outrageous that he thinks the source of your financial troubles are you and not the sports car.
But on this forum we hear always only one side. There might be anger involved, but you need a third party to work this out.
Maybe you simply pull a bit away fro him, go out in the evening and have fun with friends, that might get him off his ar&%.


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## bayoubengalgal (Oct 12, 2012)

I still have not had sex since my last post. I think we are going on 4 months without it and we only had sex twice this year. I am giving up. I wrote him a letter just now, in the middle of the night, telling him that I want out. I am crushed. I cannot sleep or eat and it feels like a 500 lb gorilla is on my chest. 

I have asked my husband numerous times if he loves me and I asked him again and he did not reply. I said "well?" and his response was, "I'm thinking about it". I have stayed in this f*****g marriage for 10 years. This whole time he has dodged the sex thing. I wasted 10 years of my life feeling unloved when I could have been with the love of my life. I feel lied to and betrayed. I am so angry right now.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I'm sorry.  But there is the answer. He's content but doesn't love you. No one should have to think about that - especially when there is the very real possibility he's about to lose you.

Better 10 than 20. It WILL get better.


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## bayoubengalgal (Oct 12, 2012)

I have been having panic attacks the past few days and they are getting more and more frequent. I would post the letter I wrote him on here but it is maybe a little too personal. I have no idea what is going to happen. I asked for "out" but really worded as ultimatum/escape plan. Basically, I gave him out. He can leave the marriage and I assume all of the debt. He has no excuse not to leave. Then I said that if he wanted to stay married and really did love me, then I could not stay in a sexless marriage. That I would file for divorce if it stayed the same. I really do feel betrayed. I have done everything I can to try and fix this. I feel deflated and defeated. Even writing this is making my chest hurt and I feel a panic attack. I know he read the letter this morning but he said nothing. Divorce has never been an option for me because I do not want my son to be from a broken home like I was. My home life was terrible growing up because my dad basically abandoned us. My mom remarried and had two more kids and my older sister and I were pretty much ousted. I really am scared because I will be a single mom and I do not want to ever be married again. I hate that my son will be so hurt. BTW, my husband also told me that my parenting was questionable. WTF. I could not believe it. He is gone all week on business and on the weekends never takes my son anywhere. I take him to the park, the pool, etc. He is insane.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I'm proud of you for laying it all on the line. And if you're divorced a year from now, I'm confident that you'll be better off. You'll make a great wife for someone who can recognize it.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Don't say you don't want to be married again. It isn't marriage that was wrong, but rather it was who you married.

Take care and God bless you as you go through this bayou. You are in my prayers, as is your son.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

bayou gal, I am sorry you are in such a distressful situation.

I think there is something you don't know about, which he is not telling you. Who knows what. Perhaps he was sexually abused as a child. Perhaps he has a medical condition which embarrasses him to the point of not even wanting to talk to a doc. Perhaps he is gay. I tend to think it is either abuse/assault or gay.

But it doesn't matter because he is not stepping up to the issue despite your many attempts to discuss it and find a solution. I think you should look at this as a flaw of his, not something you should feel guilty about. Your needs are your needs. There is nothing shameful about it.

One of my advisors gave me the personality defect analogy. Alcoholics Anon provides counseling and support for alcoholics, yet some people just cannot bring themselves to stay sober. They have a personality defect of some sort. Despite their other good qualities, they have a defect which makes them a lost cause. I think your husband has a character defect of some sort, and you should not feel guilty you could find a way to help him overcome it.


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

If he travels, he could just have f***-buddies elsewhere or plain use the services of prostitutes.


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## mikeyb (Jul 8, 2012)

And we finally this comes out.



bayoubengalgal said:


> He is gone all week on business and on the weekends never takes my son anywhere. I take him to the park, the pool, etc. He is insane.


Does he travel all the time for business? And if he does, is it really business, or a little pleasure too?




moco82 said:


> If he travels, he could just have f***-buddies elsewhere or plain use the services of prostitutes.


Good luck


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

Was he like that before you got married?
Have you ever thought about ignoring him and just taking care of yourself and your son? Men hate being ignored. It worked for me!


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

Memento said:


> Men hate being ignored. It worked for me!


Some do, but some love nothing more than being left in peace without having their brains picked.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

moco82 said:


> Some do, but some love nothing more than being left in peace without having their brains picked.


I know sometimes I do. In fact when something is bugging me, my fiancee often points out that I seemed to go very quiet and into my own little world where I make it pretty clear that I don't want to talk. So her ignoring me in general likely wouldn't have a massive influence on me and in fact could be what I'm wanting at that moment.


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

moco82 said:


> Some do, but some love nothing more than being left in peace without having their brains picked.


True. I guess it all depends of what type of feelings that person has towards you. Some people need to be reminded that you should not take anyone or anything for granted.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I'm truly sorry you're going through this and I'm sorry you've been treated so awfully all these years. Five years without a kiss? I've never let any living creature go without affection in my house; not my my kids, not dogs, not cats, not the bunny, and certainly not my wife.
That's a level of cruelty I can't even wrap my head around.


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