# My lawyer will not let me go to mediation alone but...



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

My STBXW scheduled a meeting with a mediator early next week. She has been requesting that I do not bring my lawyer since she doesn't have one. Yesterday, she asked why I haven't sent the mediator a request to waive my lawyer.
With much advise from here and other friends, I felt it was best to bring him. But I haven't told her yet. She is leaving her state to come here tomorrow for the next 6 days to see our kids. 
I spoke with my lawyer and he said he will not let me go to mediation alone. He knows she has the power over me (mainly because I'm too GD nice) and that she knows she has absolutely no power over him. She has NOTHING to lose in mediation and everything to gain. From what I'm offering in our divorce decree, it's the Texas standard and "fair". I have everything and anything to lose in this mediation if I'm not careful. She can't hire a lawyer because she's in debt and her dad refuses to support her. She's definitely intimidated by him. I just need him there for sound advice and to be able to answer questions I have. My insurance is paying for his time to be there, so it doesn't cost me a thing.
My lawyer can do a mediation the day after our "scheduled" mediation because he's in court the day my STBXW requested. If some of you are thinking why mediation, it's because if the divorce is contested, we would have to mediate anyway before going to court. I live in Texas.
So my dilemma is, tell her now or wait till she arrives in town. Do I say anything at all to her? Should I call and discuss this with the mediator??
Also, my lawyer has already written up a decree that he will be sending to my STBXW and I very soon. We hope she'll accept it. She needs to understand I'm not budging from what I've already offered. I never started my offer on one side of the spectrum. It started in the middle. Not a good strategy I guess, but it is what it is now.
Hopefully, she'll realize that it's in her best interests to sign the decree and not spend $$$ in court and end up losing anyways.
You guys have been an awesome support group here. I appreciate it.
HD


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You are worried about justifying to her about your decision to bring your lawyer. Your still worried about getting her approval and acceptance. You see what's wrong here?

Even her dad is able to say no to her. Everyone but you.

Try this: 

1. Tell her the proposed date doesn't work for you, but you can do the date your lawyer is available on. But do not mention the lawyer or reason. She does not have a say or a right to know.

2. Just show up with the lawyer. She didn't ok having an affair before she did it, you do not need her ok to bring help for yourself.

3. Keep saying ths "she has 100% created this situation. It's too bad for her if it isn't going the way she wants. She is selfish.". And finally " she left ME. I'm now free to make all of my own decisions without explanation to her or approval by her. If she doesn't like it, do what. End of debate."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Take your lawyer he has your best interest in hand , tell her the date has moved and your lawyer is attending. Make no excuses , if she gives you grief have your lawyer send her a letter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Legally, do you have to notify her whether your lawyer is coming or not? Don't tell it to her, it'll be a nice surprise for her.

For the schedule, she is the one that cheated so her opinion's shouldn't matter. But definately don't go w/out your attorney if she still has influence over you. Good luck.


----------



## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

"She has been requesting that I do not bring my lawyer since she doesn't have one"... you mean like how you requested she not cheat and move away...

Houston, you're asking here because you KNOW the answer and need the reinforcement. It's good that you know. It's not so good that you still need permission to watch out for yourself #1 first and foremost and can stop trying to work for her approval and satisfaction with anything.

Picture this scenario: you go to mediation without your lawyer. As you said yourself, she still has some power over you (why at this point is anyone's guess!) You agree to things, and regret it. Will you not forever wish you had taken your lawyer with you?

Now picture this scenario: She gets to town. She asks again about the waiver. You tell her you are taking your lawyer. She either doesn't show up, or mediation happens and she is pissed off and difficult... or you take your lawyer without telling her, she gets upset and is pissed off and difficult. Mediation goes on either way...and as you said yourself, she only gains from the entire process! 

If she doesn't show up, what happens? It gets re-scheduled. You inists again, not without your lawyer. It's just got to be plain clear that it isn't happeneing without your lawyer present; when she sees that, it will happen. She doesn't have to like it.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> You are worried about justifying to her about your decision to bring your lawyer. Your still worried about getting her approval and acceptance. You see what's wrong here?
> 
> Even her dad is able to say no to her. Everyone but you.
> 
> ...



In my first divorce(Galveston County, Texas) we were mandated by the court to go through mediation with both our attorneys present. It was going so well that the mediator asked if we wanted to dispense with our attorneys presence, saving us their hourly fees, and we consented. Actually, we made a heck of a lot more headway with our lawyers not being there.

So from my experience, it was much better to ditch the lawyers during the mediation process.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

arbitrator, but like HD and Shaggy say, he is too GD nice, and he knows he only can lose by not having someone looking out for his interests. If he feels confident enough in mediation to dispense with his attorney then that will be his choice, but I definitely agree with Shaggy, reschedule this for a time when his attorney can be present. Houston, you may still wish to play nice, needing her approval, have a hard time saying no, but atleast you recognize it and have taken steps to deal with it - you are on the right track for sure!


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The fact that you're on here seeking permission/approval to stand up to your wife tells me that your legal fees are money well spent...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I will be bringing my lawyer with me to mediation. I was curious if there is anything in particular that you guys found particularly helpful during your mediation? My STBXW is telling me to bring bank statements, pay stubs, etc. The thing is, I've already shown this along with her pay stubs to my lawyer which has allowed him to write up the divorce decree. It's almost like my STBXW wants to start this from scratch. My lawyer sent her our divorce decree proposal today. She'll probably open that email when she gets off the plane. Welcome back to Texas!!


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Houstondad said:


> I will be bringing my lawyer with me to mediation. I was curious if there is anything in particular that you guys found particularly helpful during your mediation? My STBXW is telling me to bring bank statements, pay stubs, etc. The thing is, I've already shown this along with her pay stubs to my lawyer which has allowed him to write up the divorce decree. It's almost like my STBXW wants to start this from scratch. My lawyer sent her our divorce decree proposal today. She'll probably open that email when she gets off the plane. Welcome back to Texas!!


Mediation: What memories! Will probably be going through that in the near future again. Received a 25+ page discovery from STBXW's attorney asking for info on all kinds of assets. STBXW has seven figures she's protecting with a prenup; I've got a paltry sum in a 401k, and she's alleging that I'm in debt to her for better than 250K. From the size of that discovery document they sent me, you'd think I was Howard Hughes and she was Little Orphan Annie!


----------

