# Totally alone in messed up marriage



## redmouse (Jun 1, 2018)

I'm still reeling from last night's events so I hope this will be coherent - 

I've been with my husband since I was 17 and married to him for the past 7 years. We've always had a tumultuous relationship because of his anger issues and whenever I tried to end the relationship, he would threaten suicide or mention I'm his only kin which would make me feel incredibly guilty and stay.

I was diagnosed with cancer at 21 and he was by the side constantly. He has given generous financial loans to my family members in their time of need, which I am very grateful for. He was very close to them and this made me feel that even though our relationship wasn't ideal, I was happy he regarded them as family.

But my life has been a mess for the past 2 years because the said family members have delayed repayments and disputed the amount lent to them. My husband had a confrontation with them which didn't end well and now, no one from my immediate family speaks to him. I am upset with my family for being ungrateful but I also think my husband's behaviour has made them drop him like a hot coal.

My husband lets me visit my family members but expresses daily how they have abandoned him when he treated them like his own family and helped them beyond what is normal. I totally get his feelings but he has now turned into a raging bull. He calls them horrible vile names and I sometimes get included in this too. His anger can get so bad that he would slam his fist on things and last night, he was shouting through the roof, smacked my hand and started name calling even though I have pleaded with him before not to. In the past, he would apologise for his behavior and say he will see a counsellor or learn to channel his anger better. But yesterday he said that as long as I don't agitate him and treat him better, he won't call people names.

He texted me this morning saying we should start over and be nice to each other. I know from experience that he won't change much. I want to leave him but I hate that I am scared (what if he turns up at my family home's doorstep and creates a scene?) and guilty as he has helped my family so much and will be lonely without me (no friends and doesn't get along with his family).

He blames me (because I have told him many times that I wish to separate and be single) and my family for his depression, anger and anxiety issues. He is already reminding me regularly that my family has used him and chucked him away. I don't want him to think I'm abandoning him but I can't live in fear of his anger anymore. I am an ambitious person and I'm just wasting my life away because I have zero energy to do anything else after trying to stay sane.

If I leave him, I will be guilty and might end up returning to the relationship, as I've done before. I'm not in a good state and facing a dilemma...


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Honestly... I may be wrong here and others should weigh in but (I think) you should also be outraged at your family and potentially cut them out of your life. This is a financial betrayal and you still having a relationship like nothing is wrong is sending a wrong message to both your betraying thieving relatives and your husband. 

Your husband is acting more and more angry because he is seeing your actions as unsupportive. He loaned the money but what is his is also yours so your family stole from you too! and your kids. Honestly I totally understand your husband. He is angry at your family and now you because he feels you are not being clear with him or them on where you stand and that is by your husband. He has tried to do the right thing. Now I think you should too. This is unhealthy.

Now in reading further he should not touch you in anger, that is wrong on his part. And name calling you... But cut those toxic people out of your life and say good riddance. Give up the money and say goodbye. 

Stop making threats about separating and being single. Just do it if you must. Other wise try to work this out.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

redmouse said:


> I'm still reeling from last night's events so I hope this will be coherent -
> 
> I've been with my husband since I was 17 and married to him for the past 7 years. We've always had a tumultuous relationship because of his anger issues and whenever I tried to end the relationship, he would threaten suicide or mention I'm his only kin which would make me feel incredibly guilty and stay.
> 
> ...


It seems to me that there are more than one issue here. 

First seems to be the issue of the loans to your family. This is one reason why I think it is always a potential landmine to loan money or do business with family members. If money is to be loaned, it should be done in a formal manner, with a formal legal loan agreement stating the amounts involved, repayment schedule, and contingency options/recourse if the repayment schedule is not adhered to. From what you are writing, it sounds to me like your family is in the wrong here, and not adhering to an agreed repayment schedule (and amount). From that perspective, it seems his anger would be rightly placed, as he is being taking advantage of. His anger reaction may be excessive, but I think the blame of the situation would really lie at the feet of your family. IF THIS WAS THE ONLY ISSUE (and it sounds like it is not), my feeling would be that a spouse's responsibility is to stand by his/her partner who has been wronged, even against his/her own family of origin. The first duty is to the spouse, ESPECIALLY if the family of origin is in the wrong. And I think your family is more than just ungrateful; they are essentially cheating him or stealing from him by not adhering to the agreed loan repayments. If you minimize their part/responsibility, it erodes your ability to sympathize with your spouse and align yourself with him. IF THIS WAS THE ONLY ISSUE (and again, it doesn't seem to be), I could see how he could feel that your failure to support him would be a betrayal of him and your spousal responsibilities. 

However, there seems to be other issues here. He seems to have, from your description, severe anger issues, and I assume that such anger is a problem in other aspects of your marriage, besides this monetary dispute with your family. And his hitting your hand cannot be tolerated, and may predict even more violence in the future, especially in a situation with anger issues. As a result, these other potential issues, NOT the monetary dispute with your family, forebode ill for your marriage, and probably indicate that you should more toward ending the marriage.

And although I do not believe it is possible to make any sort of psychiatric diagnosis online, the fact that your husband has few social contacts besides you, and the fact that, from your description, I suspect he sees issues in black and white and reacts strongly when he feels wrongs are done (hence the anger you describe), I wonder if he could possibly have a mild Asperger's/autism spectrum situation? If so, that doesn't make him easier to live with, or even mean you shouldn't do what's best for yourself by leaving, but it may help you understand him better and maybe be a little less harsh in judging him if you know he has a different sort of brain processing that he was born with. 

So, in summary, my assessment based on this very limited information is that a) on the monetary issue with your family, it sounds like he is really the one who has been wronged, and the correct stance a spouse should take would be to side with her husband ON THIS ONE ISSUE, but that b)there are probably other issues in the marriage that are much better reasons for getting out of the relationship.


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## sadandlonely5 (Jan 5, 2018)

I completely agree here. I don’t care if they are your family - family should never screw you over, especially over money and when you had cancer. I cannot believe you are still speaking to them at all. There is absolutely no justification for this. Too many people make excuses for others and let them treat them like ****.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

It doesn't sound like you had your husband back...before you attack him and the mirror and ask your self if your family and yourself has more to do with his behavior.....no offense I would have dumped your ass

You validate the saying blood is thicker than water.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

redmouse said:


> I'm still reeling from last night's events so I hope this will be coherent -
> 
> I've been with my husband since I was 17 and married to him for the past 7 years. We've always had a tumultuous relationship because of his anger issues and whenever I tried to end the relationship, he would threaten suicide or mention I'm his only kin which would make me feel incredibly guilty and stay.
> 
> ...


I think you should leave for both your sakes, I know you are worried about him being alone but he found you and you are not irreplaceable, he will be fine. He may even be happier. Sounds like you are not a good match. He pretty much nursed you though cancer and helped your family out and they stole from him and took it for granted. Then you defended them (this would be too much for me). A different man who didn't have anger issues would probably divorce you. 

At this point he is obviously not mature enough to deal with with this in a way that would give him the high road, so you and your family can blame everything on his temper. And don't mistake me saying that this isn't a good reason to leave someone. Emotionally abusive people suck and no one should be married to them. However when you meet the next guy I would keep them away from your family. Whatever you do don't lend them money no matter how badly that ask for it.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

I agree that there are several different issues going on here. Your husband feels betrayed by not only your family, but by you since you continue to be in contact with them. Is your husband able to take them to court for the money they owe him? You need to stand by him if he chooses that route.

He has anger issues. Stress, whether long term or short term can cause people to do things they normally wouldn't do. Did your husband yell or slam his fist down before the $ issue with your family? He either needs to reduce the stress or get help with managing his anger, or do both.

How large is the debt, BTW? Can you speak with them and tell them that they need to pay and that it is causing marital issues? Can you tell them that if they refuse to pay, that you and your husband will consider legal means to get them to pay?

If the debt is not that large can ask your husband to just consider it a lesson learned and neither of you ever lend a cent to the family members?


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