# I wish I knew what she really felt about me.



## MAEPT10 (Oct 19, 2011)

My wife and I have been married for a little over 2 years. She is the love of my life, I want us to work. I am a romantic. She is not. She does not show me she loves me, no hugs or kisses or a smack on the ass, or even getting close and laying with me on the couch for a movie. These things would let me know that she loves me. I am not on her mind. She texts her friends all day long and only texts me things like "did you go to the bank" or "can you pick up milk?" We are great room mates because we have our system down. (we have two young kids, so our life is a little busy) (and we work opposite schedule so we don't see each other much).But she shows me no emotion. I am afraid to tell her how I feel, because I'll get the "I don't want to talk about this again with you" response from her. If I don't hug her, I won't get a hug, If I don't kiss her I won't get a kiss. I go to sleep angry and wake up angry each day. We have some friends that recommended we read a certain book. I have ordered it. She said she would like to read it. But I don't think she really wants to read something like that with me to help our relationship. I think she just thinks things are fine, when they are not. I feel like I don't need to read something like that because its going to tell me to do nice things like clean up the house, remember to take the trash out, compliment her, ya know be sensitive. Well I do all of that already, cause that is the type of guy I am. I want to read it so that she will read it and learn that her neglect is hurting me and how to change it. I have changed to recognize that its my job to help out around the house too, so I just do (laundry, cleaning, dishes, cook dinner...etc.) Just ****ing tell me, "i'm so happy I married you, you're great" or "hun I love you so much, you really make me happy" or "you like nice today". I could rant all day long.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Love uses a bunch of different languages and maybe her's isn't exactly like your's. That doesn't mean she doesn't love you. Other than not initiating romance, kissing, hugging, etc, does she do anything especially for you? Cook meals you like? Bring you a cup of coffee? Pick up things at the store she thinks you like? If she's scared, troubled, angry, or excited, who does she run to first? My grandparents have been married over 70 years and they adore each other. I've never seen them making goo goo eyes at each other but they show caring and affection in other ways.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

See this a lot.

Someone will post 'She/He is the love of my life'...
but then go on to outline a relationship that doesn't sound terribly loving at all.

So ... this is a serious question, and one I suggest you think long about before writing down the answer.

Why do you love her? 

Once you have that out of the way, ask her the same question. Why does she love you?

Pay very careful attention to her answer, or lack of an answer and note whether or not it aligns with the behavior she demonstrates towards you.

Check out the sticky at the top of the page. Ask any questions you may have. Odds are, someone here has an answer, and has lived with circumstances very close to your own.

Welcome to the boards.


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## MAEPT10 (Oct 19, 2011)

Yes her love language is Acts of Service, mine is Physical Touch. On a rare occasion she'll make my lunch for work. But I usually do the thoughtful acts of service. If we are home together I just do everything because I want her to be happy and relax. Even helping me would be a nice change. Well, yesterday she cleaned a couple cluttered areas we have in the house, so that showed some thought and care, but I'm not sure if it was aimed at me or just cleaning that clutter. She has a real inability to show me her love. Which then in turns makes me question it. And there starts an argument. She is tough and stubborn, so her way is the way it is going to be. When we fight, she is silent. Doesn't tell me her feelings. She shuts down and closes the doors. Then I'm always apologizing for the fight and trying to resolve our situation.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Cleaning general clutter wouldn't mean "love" to me. Maybe you should back off the apologizing, romance initiating, and just do half the chores. Maybe she doesn't "do" much cause there are no consequences for being a lazy partner. How does her mom treat her dad? That's usually a pretty good window into what you can expect.


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

Why do you think she treats you like this? Has she always been this way? 

I've had similar problems, I was a lot like your wife in my last relationship and I'm a lot like you in my current one.
In my case I treated my wife like yours treats you because I took things for granted and was unaware of how I felt, I had become emotionally disconnected without noticing it. The routine of life carried on and with it the chasm between us grew, I imagined everything was fine but it became so big I finally noticed it and fell right in, our relationship came to an end. 
With my current relationship I sometimes feel like I'm getting what I deserve. I come home with flowers and it's like, "thanks, where the hell is the cat litter?" My ex-wife would of cried tears of joy if I randomly bought her flowers. The thought never naturally occurred in me, yet now it does and I'm with someone who doesn't really seem to appreciate it. It's a kind of tragic irony but it's given me a lot of sympathy for what I put my ex through, justice can be brutal. 
Anyways, being in your position my advice is:

1) Back off. The reason flowers held so much more emotional significance to my ex-wife is that I almost never gave them to her. This may not be true of all women, but in my experience women who become habituated to always being "treated right" by their man will stop valuing him. 
2) Never show fear. For whatever reason, women seem to find neediness and insecurity in their man to be repulsive. I think for most men it's an instinct to reach out to the person you love when they are needy and insecure, we are driven to embrace them and comfort them. Women seem to be the opposite. 
3) Make demands. You must create expectations for her behavior that set the tone of your relationship to what you want it to be. You need her to come give you a kiss when you get home? Tell her when you walk in the door. Don't ask, just say something like "get your ass over here and give me a kiss!" If she refuses to meet your demands back off and never show fear, don't let her refusal set the tone or change your expectations.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Who else is she texting? She's being emotional to someone, but who?
Look at the cell phone bills and find out. If it's all good, you're lucky. If not, she cheating like I did.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Ask yourself this:

Is she scared to open up to you and connect emotionally? Maybe she is not ready to really commit to your marriage because she is scared like heck from commitment since you might hurt her. Was she hurt in the past? Betrayed? 

I have almost the same problem. The one who is giving, buying gifts etc. was me - she almost never gave me a card etc. I used to be miserable since I thought she doesn't love me. Now I know that she doesn't love anyone really. It doesn't help much, at least you know the problem... and you are not part of it.

If this is the case, you must learn how to "man up" (this forum is full of that term, go find some nice threads and also buy the book "no more mr. nice guy") and start being happy, don't make your happiness depends on hers. Could be that she will have a long way to happiness, yet if you will sink in her misery you would do a diservice for both of you.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

wanttheoldher said:


> Yes her love language is Acts of Service, mine is Physical Touch. *On a rare occasion she'll make my lunch for work.* But I usually do the thoughtful acts of service. If we are home together I just do everything because I want her to be happy and relax. Even helping me would be a nice change. Well, yesterday she cleaned a couple cluttered areas we have in the house, so that showed some thought and care, but I'm not sure if it was aimed at me or just cleaning that clutter. She has a real inability to show me her love. Which then in turns makes me question it. And there starts an argument. She is tough and stubborn, so her way is the way it is going to be. When we fight, she is silent. Doesn't tell me her feelings. She shuts down and closes the doors. Then I'm always apologizing for the fight and trying to resolve our situation.


If her love language were acts of service, you’d *NEVER* go without lunch!


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

AFEH said:


> If her love language were acts of service, you’d *NEVER* go without lunch!


But isn't the whole love languages thing build on the premise that:
a) If you do the things to me I love, then 
b) I'll do the same back to you?

If one partner is selfish / not bothered, they'll be quite happy for the other partner to do part a, without feeling any great drive to do part b in return. So could not her language actually be acts of service whilst she feels no great desire to perform acts of service to you?


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## MAEPT10 (Oct 19, 2011)

I'm confused too. I thought it was funny that my love lang is physical touch, which to me means that I want the physical touch of my mate. And i thought since hers is acts of service, that she wants the acts of service that I do to continue. Almost like, she feels most loved when I clean up the house, or just do a chore I hate or something so she doesn't have to. I am wondering what her expressive love language is. I know I could do any of the love languages to show her love, but the one I love the most to FEEL loved is physical touch or quality time.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

wanttheoldher said:


> I'm confused too. I thought it was funny that my love lang is physical touch, which to me means that I want the physical touch of my mate. And i thought since hers is acts of service, that she wants the acts of service that I do to continue. Almost like, she feels most loved when I clean up the house, or just do a chore I hate or something so she doesn't have to. I am wondering what her expressive love language is. I know I could do any of the love languages to show her love, but the one I love the most to FEEL loved is physical touch or quality time.


Whoa! Back up. When I read AFEH's reply re your lunch above, my other thought was "What if the OP has totally misread her love language?!"

Do you KNOW acts of service is her love language? Has she told you this, having worked it out, or is it a good old scientific wild-arse guess on the part of either one of you?

If it's the latter, and you're wrong, it could of course have something to do with why it isn't working...


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## MAEPT10 (Oct 19, 2011)

Well how else do you find out what your love language is, we took the 5 Love Languages Profile test thing.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

wanttheoldher said:


> Well how else do you find out what your love language is, we took the 5 Love Languages Profile test thing.


People have been known to fill out tests like that on behalf of other people, or to read the book and simply guess or even to not read the book and tell someone else something that seems to fit to keep the other person quiet!

Having excluded the above, it does make it even more of a conundrum! Maybe she just doesn't _have_ an "expressive love language?:scratchhead:


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

wanttheoldher said:


> I'm confused too. I thought it was funny that my love lang is physical touch, which to me means that I want the physical touch of my mate. And i thought since hers is acts of service, that she wants the acts of service that I do to continue. Almost like, she feels most loved when I clean up the house, or just do a chore I hate or something so she doesn't have to. I am wondering what her expressive love language is. I know I could do any of the love languages to show her love, but the one I love the most to FEEL loved is physical touch or quality time.


Well, there are many things that could express an act of service. You have to find out which ones are the ones that resonate with her.

For instance, I can imagine if I was an "acts of service" person, having my husband do things around the house - such as fixing something before anyone tells him to - would work for me. Especially if he continuously just proactively (rather than reactively) did these acts of service. Because that would show elements of a good character and caring. He would appear trustworty, respectful, hard-working, a leader. All attractive qualities to me.

The thing about the love langugages - they are the ways that we most would like to be shown love, but they are also the way that we are sometimes the most likely to default to in showing love to another. So, you are physical touch and you want to be shown expressions of love from your wife physically. But, you are also more likely to show your wife those expressions of love physically, even though she needs you to show them to her through an act of service, and vice versa.

And a lot of people are combinations of various things. My top 3 love languagues - words of affirmation, quality time, and acts of service - were all within a few percentage points of each other. I didn't have a stand-out one (although I did have a stand-out one for the lowest priority - gifts). You have to take all of that into consideration in determining the best way to meet your spouse's needs.

I think your wife likely does have an expressive love language. She may be suppressing it because it may be being smothered right now by you continuously expressing love to her in yours or over-indulging in the ways you are trying to express it in hers.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I strongly believe that the OP's moniker indicates that - to his wife - less (of him) would be "more".


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