# Ladies: why does a man lie/hide things?



## luvmydarling

I request for your opinions here: 

My,otherwise lovely, Husband is totally uninterested in social networking and suddenly I get to know that he has opened a twitter account last night.
I want to scream my lungs out and ask him why he does not want to tell me that; I have a twitter acct by the way but do not use it at all.
So should I confront him about this? Am I over- reacting?
He has this history of telling me lies like these, so is it something to worry about?

P.S.:He does not know about my account here, but hey I use it only to help myself/my relationship or others.


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## WhereAmI

Did he just open it last night? Why is it important that he tells you? If you suspect an affair, then I can understand why you're worried. If you've asked him about it and he lied, I can see being upset as well. But if he just created an account and didn't mention it I don't see the issue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## luvmydarling

WhereAmI said:


> Did he just open it last night? Why is it important that he tells you? If you suspect an affair, then I can understand why you're worried. If you've asked him about it and he lied, I can see being upset as well. But if he just created an account and didn't mention it I don't see the issue.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


WhereAmI, yes he opened it last night. I got late from work last night and I called and told him. I came in at 9 pm. So I think he was 'bored'. I wonder why he never even mentioned it earlier to me. But , knowing him may be I could just give it to him. IDK.
No, I don't suspect any affair as of now(but who knows).


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## that_girl

Why does it matter if he opens a Twitter account? Maybe he just wanted to. Does he have to ask permission?  Has he cheated before? I don't understand. My husband opens accounts on car sites, etc...I don't give a rip.


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## luvmydarling

that_girl said:


> Why does it matter if he opens a Twitter account? Maybe he just wanted to. Does he have to ask permission?  Has he cheated before? I don't understand. My husband opens accounts on car sites, etc...I don't give a rip.


Its not about permission, I just feel 'left out'. He does not even follow me or send me a message. Why would he think I'm against it considering that I myself have account?He has not cheated before but he does tell 'small' lies like this a couple of times. My husband too opens accounts on other sites, but I never seem to care. This is bothering me though.


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## WhereAmI

Maybe he tried to find you, but couldn't. Or maybe he knows what you're up to and he was thinking about catching up with old friends. There are legitimate reasons for his behavior. IMO you should start following him and let this one slide.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl

He just opened it last night though! Give him a second to figure it out. 

I tried Twitter for about 2 hours...It sucks. lolll Maybe he just wanted to see what the big drama was about Twitter.

It's not like he's had it for a week or something.


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## luvmydarling

WhereAmI said:


> Maybe he tried to find you, but couldn't. Or maybe he knows what you're up to and he was thinking about catching up with old friends. There are legitimate reasons for his behavior. IMO you should start following him and let this one slide.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hmmm,, well, may be a good idea to just follow him.He has not added anyone yet to his account. But I'm still wondering why he would do that without telling me, I see no harm in just mentioning it to me.

I"ll try to not question him, but somtimes I do confront him.


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## luvmydarling

that_girl said:


> He just opened it last night though! Give him a second to figure it out.
> 
> I tried Twitter for about 2 hours...It sucks. lolll Maybe he just wanted to see what the big drama was about Twitter.
> 
> It's not like he's had it for a week or something.


you are right, twitter sucks and now that's a different topic all together ;-) 

may be I"ll just mention that "hey, honey, i saw that you've opened a twitter acct, so what's up there" ???? I could tell him I tried doing a search with my hotmail acct(for friends) and found you


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## that_girl

You could do that. Or you just just chill about it and just let him do what he does. Or mention YOUR Twitter account and who you follow, etc...and see what he says.

I still don't think it's a big deal. Twitter is lame. LOL


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## luvmydarling

that_girl said:


> You could do that. Or you just just chill about it and just let him do what he does. Or mention YOUR Twitter account and who you follow, etc...and see what he says.
> 
> I still don't think it's a big deal. Twitter is lame. LOL


Hey, thanks. I must say you made me feel better.
Yup, I "ll do that - will mention my acct today but the thing is I've not ued my for ages! so he might wonder why I'm doing that.

and then the other issue is what is he still does not say anything? I"ll feel terrible knowing he is lying.


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## that_girl

He isn't lying though! lollll He just opened a Twitter account. Oh well! He opened it, looked at it, probably thought, "This is stupid" and moved on. He didn't bring it up because he doesn't care about it.
Did you want him to run up to you and tell you he signed up? I would laugh if my husband did that hahaah...

I could understand if he was shady and cheating, etc, but it's pretty hard to cheat on Twitter. I'm sure it can be done, but most people wouldn't go to twitter to cheat.

Just stop before you drive yourself crazy. lol.


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## WhereAmI

luvmydarling said:


> you are right, twitter sucks and now that's a different topic all together ;-)
> 
> may be I"ll just mention that "hey, honey, i saw that you've opened a twitter acct, so what's up there" ???? I could tell him I tried doing a search with my hotmail acct(for friends) and found you


Asking him what's up seems more like an interrogation, especially since I know that's what you're doing. LOL If you want to talk to him about it, ask him if he liked it. 

I have a twitter account with no activity as well. I think it's fairly common.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl

Personally, I wouldn't say a thing. It's really not a big deal. lol. It's Twitter.


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## luvmydarling

that_girl said:


> He isn't lying though! lollll He just opened a Twitter account. Oh well! He opened it, looked at it, probably thought, "This is stupid" and moved on. He didn't bring it up because he doesn't care about it.
> Did you want him to run up to you and tell you he signed up? I would laugh if my husband did that hahaah...
> 
> I could understand if he was shady and cheating, etc, but it's pretty hard to cheat on Twitter. I'm sure it can be done, but most people wouldn't go to twitter to cheat.
> 
> Just stop before you drive yourself crazy. lol.


I'm really driving myself crazy and I think I should go watch some TV lol.

Well,I'm happy to know that we cannot cheat easily on twitter.


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## WhereAmI

that_girl said:


> Personally, I wouldn't say a thing. It's really not a big deal. lol. It's Twitter.


This is the best course of action. Honestly, he should feel free to do things without you checking up on him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## luvmydarling

WhereAmI said:


> Asking him what's up seems more like an interrogation, especially since I know that's what you're doing. LOL If you want to talk to him about it, ask him if he liked it.
> 
> I have a twitter account with no activity as well. I think it's fairly common.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


oh so that would sound like an interrogation? SAd! I thought I'd confront him that way lol.
If I ask him whether he liked it then would that sound betteR?


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## WhereAmI

luvmydarling said:


> oh so that would sound like an interrogation? SAd! I thought I'd confront him that way lol.
> If I ask him whether he liked it then would that sound betteR?


Yes, if you do it right. Since you're using words like "confront" I don't think you can pull it off. For your sanity and his, just let it go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## luvmydarling

WhereAmI said:


> This is the best course of action. Honestly, he should feel free to do things without you checking up on him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


True then why am I feeling so bad about this whole thing? IDK


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## luvmydarling

WhereAmI said:


> Yes, if you do it right. Since you're using words like "confront" I don't think you can pull it off. For your sanity and his, just let it go.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


you are right.
In my mind its like I'm WAITING to pounce on him lol. and then when such things happen, he goes crazy and loses his sanity.


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## that_girl

Don't say anything! Omg...this is just....ugh. He opened it LAST NIGHT. I don't know why you want him to tell you the second he opens it  I feel like I'm missing something....

Just drop it or talk about how stupid Twitter is or how you want to start tweeting again....but don't ask about his account. lol.


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## luvmydarling

that_girl said:


> Don't say anything! Omg...this is just....ugh. He opened it LAST NIGHT. I don't know why you want him to tell you the second he opens it  I feel like I'm missing something....
> 
> Just drop it or talk about how stupid Twitter is or how you want to start tweeting again....but don't ask about his account. lol.


Yeah, I have to get myself to do that. I'm sooooooo annoying sometimes, and I don't know what to do about that

I'm definitely talking about my twitter acct today, let's see what he says about it.


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## WhereAmI

luvmydarling said:


> True then why am I feeling so bad about this whole thing? IDK


You've said you don't suspect him of cheating. If you did, I'd tell you to trust your gut.

From the little I know, I'm assuming you have control issues. Perhaps low self esteem? Whatever it is, I think it's your issue and not his.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## luvmydarling

WhereAmI said:


> You've said you don't suspect him of cheating. If you did, I'd tell you to trust your gut.
> 
> From the little I know, I'm assuming you have control issues. Perhaps low self esteem? Whatever it is, I think it's your issue and not his.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't suspect him of cheating, we are married 3 years and I think I know atleast a little of him. But, he has lied like this in the past. Pfcourse, the issues are things like this post, so it seems trivial to many people, and may be iti really is triviial.


Control issues? I sure have! I'm a control freak... Low self esteem, i don't know.


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## that_girl

He isn't lying though. He's LIVING. Does he have to tell you everything he does at every moment? I mean, is that what you expect?


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## luvmydarling

that_girl said:


> He isn't lying though. He's LIVING. Does he have to tell you everything he does at every moment? I mean, is that what you expect?


Hmm,I see the point. I need to control my issues first? and may be let go of this twitter thing ,atleast for now.


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## WhereAmI

I dare you NOT to say anything about twitter. You'll have to work overtime to become less controlling.This is a seemingly simple thing to start with. Have you considered IC?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## luvmydarling

WhereAmI said:


> I dare you NOT to say anything about twitter. You'll have to work overtime to become less controlling.This is a seemingly simple thing to start with. Have you considered IC?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok, I give up and I'm keeping quiet. 

I hate it when my husband does not say things to me about what he is doing because I've had this bad experience in the past that he has a reason behind it(not cheating though)

and What is IC?


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## grizabella

Men lie and hide things to save their a$$es from paranoid,over controlling women.


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## luvmydarling

grizabella said:


> Men lie and hide things to save their a$$es from paranoid,over controlling women.


wow, so is that me?


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## grizabella

Sweetie, if the shoe fits.........


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## Lon

from a man's POV, I do not exactly see from your post where the "lie" was... so when you noticed (how did you find out again?) that he opened a twitter account, did you ask him and he denied? Or do you just consider this a "lie of omission"?

If the latter, then I could understand why he lies, either outright or by admission, and that is like grizabella says, to feel like he is not being controlled.


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## luvmydarling

grizabella said:


> Sweetie, if the shoe fits.........


sigh. I'm so disheartned. I had a previous issue too with his lie, check my last thread posted a few days/weeks ago if you want.
I think I am a little controlling but that's me, and I need to change. I'm working on it though with a therapist


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## luvmydarling

Lon said:


> from a man's POV, I do not exactly see from your post where the "lie" was... so when you noticed (how did you find out again?) that he opened a twitter account, did you ask him and he denied? Or do you just consider this a "lie of omission"?
> 
> If the latter, then I could understand why he lies, either outright or by admission, and that is like grizabella says, to feel like he is not being controlled.


I got to know because the history on my computer browser(it said twitter when I was searching something else) said so and then my curiosity got the better of me and I go and check his e-mail acct(please please don't judge me for this), I have his password and there I come to knoe that yes he had created the account a few minutes before i arrived home. 
I have not confronted him yet, I'm yet to see him after this 'discovery'.

If I ask him about it, I would say there is a 50% possibilty he may not admit much. But, he cannot really lie because his account is out there in public?


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## WhereAmI

You have his passwords? Does he have yours?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## luvmydarling

WhereAmI said:


> You have his passwords? Does he have yours?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


no. and I never asked him his, he gave it to me because once he wanted me to check something for him and he was outside. He did not give it on his own.


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## WhereAmI

This isn't about what he would do. He has done nothing wrong and assuming he will is pointless. This is about you and you only.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Parrothead

luvmydarling said:


> I got to know because the history on my computer browser(it said twitter when I was searching something else) said so and then my curiosity got the better of me and I go and check his e-mail acct(please please don't judge me for this), I have his password and there I come to knoe that yes he had created the account a few minutes before i arrived home.
> I have not confronted him yet, I'm yet to see him after this 'discovery'.
> 
> If I ask him about it, I would say there is a 50% possibilty he may not admit much. But, he cannot really lie because his account is out there in public?


He needs to change his passwords...

Do you give him any privacy when he is taking a crap? Sorry to be so crass but the point is that everybody needs a little privacy.


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## grizabella

LMD, You have to watch your labeling. If you call an omission or an oversight a LIE, it will always be that in your mind even though they are very different things.


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## WhereAmI

luvmydarling said:


> no. and I never asked him his, he gave it to me because once he wanted me to check something for him and he was outside. He did not give it on his own.


Then another step might be giving him your PW or admitting to him that you are working on control issues and ask him to change his password so you can't snoop. He is your partner, so you should have equal control.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## luvmydarling

WhereAmI said:


> This isn't about what he would do. He has done nothing wrong and assuming he will is pointless. This is about you and you only.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I see the point. 
Please check this out.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...n/29755-my-husband-lied-me-im-devastated.html


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## luvmydarling

Parrothead said:


> He needs to change his passwords...
> 
> Do you give him any privacy when he is taking a crap? Sorry to be so crass but the point is that everybody needs a little privacy.


Well, i told him to and he never did. Its not about the passwords, its that I want to know everything and not in a bad way. I do NO harm.


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## luvmydarling

grizabella said:


> LMD, You have to watch your labeling. If you call an omission or an oversight a LIE, it will always be that in your mind even though they are very different things.


I think that's what is happening with me.


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## luvmydarling

WhereAmI said:


> Then another step might be giving him your PW or admitting to him that you are working on control issues and ask him to change his password so you can't snoop. He is your partner, so you should have equal control.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well the therapist does not really help. And I don't know what more to do, may be take baby steps towards trusting him? May be I'm obsessed?


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## WhereAmI

luvmydarling said:


> I see the point.
> Please check this out.
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...n/29755-my-husband-lied-me-im-devastated.html


Obviously there are communication issues in your M. Are you in marriage counseling? He is making mistakes as well, but you can only work on you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## luvmydarling

WhereAmI said:


> Obviously there are communication issues in your M. Are you in marriage counseling? He is making mistakes as well, but you can only work on you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I started off talking to a therapist and he said it might be a case of marriage counselling and then after another session he said "looks like you have communication issues and your husband has some issues too but if we work with you, you both should be fine". So after that, I started going in regularly, and my husband has anyway refused couselling, so I can't ask him again.

May be it all started with me and then it blew up.


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## WhereAmI

luvmydarling said:


> Well, i told him to and he never did. Its not about the passwords, its that I want to know everything and not in a bad way. I do NO harm.


You can't see the harm? You're provoking him. Then there's the harm that you cannot see. There's no telling how this affects him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## luvmydarling

WhereAmI said:


> You can't see the harm? You're provoking him. Then there's the harm that you cannot see. There's no telling how this affects him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


sorry, I did not get you.
You mean its a cycle of me-doubting on him and he-lying/hiding?


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## WhereAmI

You admit that you confront him about "lies" and he becomes instantly angry. Despite seeing this pattern, you haven't changed your ways.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Parrothead

luvmydarling said:


> I want to know everything and not in a bad way.


Give him some space. He will tell you when he gets around to it, or maybe he just doesn't think it's that important.


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## Prodigal

Get another counselor. The one you have doesn't sound like a good fit.

Look at your husband's actions, forget words, and leave your feelings out of this. Feelings are a poor compass that we frequently use to navigate through our relationships. Feelings change with the weather, the day, PMS, work pressures, personal issues, etc.

JMO, but you have some problems with insecurity and trust. That doesn't mean you are a bad person. It means you are human. Why don't you make a list of the good attributes you love about your husband and make another list of things you don't like. 

Seriously. Step back and review the list. Then make a list of your good attributes and the things you feel you do that drive your husband crazy.

Perspective. It's all about detaching from the situation at hand and taking an impersonal look at what you feel are the strengths and weaknesses both of you possess.

Once you feel you get a handle on this, then go to your husband and talk it out with him.


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## Lon

LMD, you have done him harm: you are accusing him of lying and HE HAS DONE NO SUCH THING, EVER. In this case he simply did whatever he has done and you are calling it a lie when in fact it is nothing of the sort, you just assumed he has no interest in social media and then the instant he takes a look to find out what its about you call it a lie because he didn't tell you first? Anything his does without asking permission first you consider to be a lie... and that is simply not what a "lie" is. What words has he told you that were untrue? Or in the case of omission, what words did he not tell you to make you assume something that is untrue? In your other example of his enrolling in a class, you again call it a lie, but it simply is that he didn't obey your command, and their is a big big difference.


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## YinPrincess

I haven't read the replies, (sorry), but my husband does little things like this also... over time they make you question your ability to trust or their ability to be trustworthy.

When I find out some of the other things my husband hasn't told me, he often claims that he didn't feel it was necessary or significant. I believe this to be the truth. Yes, it bugs me. lol

However, in our case disclosure IS significant because he's told some lies in the past, and our trust has been compromised. We continue to struggle with this. It may be a control thing on both of our ends.

I completely understand how you feel left out, excluded and whatnot. I would also and have also felt this way in the past.

I have no solutions, other that to calmly express to him how you feel, using "I" statements to help him feel less defensive. (Such as, "I feel left out that I didn't know you had a Twitter account" etc.) If you think to phrase it as your problem, (it is), then he could feel more 'helpful' and less 'attacked'? This has had moderate success with my husband...


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## Stonewall

Just a peice of advise from a guy who has been married for a very long time.

Pick your fights more carefully. Don't worry about trivial things like this unless you feel he is cheating. 

When deciding to confront someone over an issue so trivial consider this question firstl "What difference will this issue mean 10 years from now?"

It appears you have some control issues you need to work on as well as communication issues mutually.


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## Mrs. T

My guess is that he didn't mention it (he didn't really LIE about it, he just failed to mention it immediately) because he thought it of no importance. Twitter is a stupid and useless site...you yourself admit you don't bother to use yours. He was probably curious, signed up, figured out it was nothing and forgot about it. If he's really not into social networking he'll probably never log back on to the site. If he's looking to cheat there are certainly many more sites out there that are more condusive to cheating. I think you are creating an issue here where there really isn't one...


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## Sanity

luvmydarling said:


> I request for your opinions here:
> 
> My,otherwise lovely, Husband is totally uninterested in social networking and suddenly I get to know that he has opened a twitter account last night.
> I want to scream my lungs out and ask him why he does not want to tell me that; I have a twitter acct by the way but do not use it at all.
> So should I confront him about this? Am I over- reacting?
> He has this history of telling me lies like these, so is it something to worry about?
> 
> P.S.:He does not know about my account here, but hey I use it only to help myself/my relationship or others.



You just answered your own question. When you say you want to "scream" because of a stupid twitter account maybe he doesn't want to deal with the drama.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## luvmydarling

WhereAmI said:


> You admit that you confront him about "lies" and he becomes instantly angry. Despite seeing this pattern, you haven't changed your ways.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yup you are right! But I somehow don't know how to give up 'confrontation' when I know the person is not truthful/honest?


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## luvmydarling

Parrothead said:


> Give him some space. He will tell you when he gets around to it, or maybe he just doesn't think it's that important.


Well, may be!


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## luvmydarling

prodigal,I too think I have problems with insecurity and trust. But my question is: is it not the pther person who makes us believe in a different rquation of trust? You got whaT I mean? I think making a list or writing down thoughts is a good idea.

Lon,
you mean whatever he does is ok, and it is that I'm acting 'controlling'? I'm just trying to understand your words here, you seem to be hitting it on the nail!

yinprincess,yes this is exactly how I feel, I'm unable to trust him. No, I cannot express to him, he immeditely goes into defensive mode and says" please give me peace of mind when I'm home. Don't mis trust me. I can see that you don't trust me" etc etc. I have no answer when he says all this.

stonewall,
"Pick your fights more carefully. Don't worry about trivial things like this unless you feel he is cheating" - Golden words for sure, I need to work very hard to drill this into my head though.

MrsT,
Yes, he did not mention it but to me it sounds(or rather sounded, I've gotten over it now).

Sanity,
He says my drama is too much for him to handle. Because of this, I suck up my questions and I'm losing my health(becuase of lack of sleep). I feel like a dead person. Because any confrontation and he gets MAD. Really Really MAD at me.Never been this way though. We both are not even able to srgue these days, our energies are drained out totally.


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## luvmydarling

UPDATE:
I opened my twitter acct in front of him on sunday and still he mentioned nothing. I just left it at that. I think he does not want to mention it. I even said " honey, let me open one for you so that we can be in touch using twitter while not together" and to this he keeps quiet.


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## aug

luvmydarling said:


> UPDATE:
> I opened my twitter acct in front of him on sunday and still he mentioned nothing. I just left it at that. I think he does not want to mention it. I even said " honey, let me open one for you so that we can be in touch using twitter while not together" and to this he keeps quiet.


Earlier you wrote "I do NO harm." But it appears you are harming yourself and your relationship by being oversensitive. May I suggest that you park this issue for now and just make a neutral mental note?


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## Lon

LMD. you won't get a response until you actually elicit one from him. So just ask him outright "Have you ever opened a twitter account?" Since you know he did open a stupid twitter account, then WHEN you ask the question you will get your answer, and will know if he is actually honest or not. Either way it is an opportunity to have a truthful discussion.

Don't try subtle little hints like showing him your twitter, that is passive and just makes it seem like you are trying to avoid conflict. It is impossible for anyone to have to recall every single waking moment with another, the information we choose to share goes through a filter first, otherwise we would all just be overloaded with unimportant information and nobody would actually be able to do anything. To most, whether or not we looked at a social media website is the kind of information that gets filtered out as not important, unless we found something particularly special or interesting about it that we want to share. In relationships we have certain privileges to access information behind that filter, but we have to actually do a query if we want to get at it. Stop expecting the answer to just appear, ask for it.


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## WhereAmI

But WHY ask him about the twitter account? It sounds like he's sick and tired of having to share every little thing he does or risk being called a liar. She needs to back off, accept that she's not his mother, and let him do mundane things without having to give her a play by play.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon

WhereAmI said:


> But WHY ask him about the twitter account? It sounds like he's sick and tired of having to share every little thing he does or risk being called a liar. She needs to back off, accept that she's not his mother, and let him do mundane things without having to give her a play by play.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


yeah the twitter account is kind of irrelavent, but I suppose I was just trying to explain that what her H is doing is not "lying" and that not disclosing every single event of every single day is not necessarily being dishonest. I absolutely agree with others about picking her battles more selectively, but before accusing him of lying he needs to actually say something first, and lies by omission require an understanding of certain boundaries. Her H doesn't even know if he has crossed her boundaries because LMD hasn't defined them. She is totally inventing a problem and hasn't outlined any reason for there to be one. I find it kind of ludicrous but I'm participating in this thread out of sheer curiosity to understand other people's ways of thinking.


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## moxy

luvmydarling said:


> its that I want to know everything and not in a bad way.


You don't have the right to know everything. He should be entitled to privacy.

The ONLY time you should ever snoop through this stuff is if you have good reason to believe he is having an affair. Otherwise, please stop being so controlling and try to live your own life instead of obsessing about his!


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## tacoma

I opened a Twitter account a year ago and after half an hour still couldn`t figure out what the point of it was so it`s been untouched ever since.

My wife has no clue I have a Twitter account.


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