# Too much to deal??……



## IzzyRae (19 d ago)

My spouse left me a month ago for someone else, but claims our sex life had nothing to do with his decision, but I have a hard time believing this. I do have a unique sex life situation and have never shied away from the importance of sex in a marriage, but wonder if this is just too much for anyone to deal with in a marriage.

I was a virgin when I was married(rare I know) so right off with regards our sex life, I experienced abnormal extreme pain in even attempting sex. Over the initial years of our marriage in seeing multiple drs for help(which no doubt strained things for a new marriage) these doctors each said things like it was all in my head(I needed to relax) or I was repressing and hiding sexual trauma(I am not), etc. After a few years I finally found a doctor who thankfully saw something abnormal with her examination of me. After having two medical surgeries to remove and correct the abnormality in my pelvic wall, as well as having regular physical pelvic therapy for months we finally were able to have sex, however unfortunately I still have never been able to have 100% pain free sex and likely won’t without more time and money spent for further medical intervention. It is MUCH better in that I can actually tolerate the pain I experience while having sex, but the pain is still strong enough I can’t physically hide it and I have no enjoyment myself, but I do have satisfaction knowing my husband should be able to have sex with me. I have tried to tell my husband to just ignore the fact I’m in pain and just keep having sex since I know it’s important(although I also realize this is not a normal for anyone’s sex life). He though still felt bad and eventually didn’t want to have actual sex, and said “let’s just have fun and be close other ways(which we did regularly by means of oral and manually sexual activity, showers together, and other options were thrown in occasionally) because I don’t enjoy feeling like I’m hurting you when we have sex.” I understand his point of view and part of me has just accepted this as the “hand I’ve been dealt”, and unfortunately he’s now been dealt. I also allowed myself to think his love of me was enough to survive this situation. But now since he’s left me, if I’m honest I have to believe someone really can only be understanding for so long, even though he knows I’m not doing anything purposefully. And even for my future, I don’t know if this is a situation I should make anyone else have to deal with.


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

IzzyRae said:


> My spouse left me a month ago for someone else, but claims our sex life had nothing to do with his decision, but I have a hard time believing this. I do have a unique sex life situation and have never shied away from the importance of sex in a marriage, but do wonder if this is just too much for anyone to deal with in the end.
> 
> I was a virgin when I was married(rare I know) so right off with regards our sex life, I experienced abnormal extreme pain in even attempting sex. Over the initial years of our marriage in seeing multiple drs for help(and obvious frustration with both me and my husband-which no doubt strained things for a new marriage) these doctors each said things like it was all in my head(I needed to relax) or I was repressing and hiding sexual trauma(I am not), etc—I finally found a doctor who thankfully saw something abnormal with her examination of me, was shocked none of the other doctors saw what she saw and I did had something physically wrong with me. After having two medical surgeries to remove and correct the abnormality in my pelvic wall, as well as having regular physical pelvic therapy for months we finally were able to have sex, however unfortunately I still have never been able to have 100% pain free sex and likely won’t without more time and money spent for further medical intervention, which we decide against. It is MUCH better in that I can actually tolerate the pain I experience while having sex, but the pain is still strong enough I can’t physically hide the fact it’s painful and I have no enjoyment myself, but I do have satisfaction knowing my husband should be able to have sex with me. I have tried to tell my husband to just ignore the fact I’m in pain and just keep having sex since I know it’s important(although I also realize this is not a normal for anyone’s sex life). But he still has always felt bad and eventually didn’t want to have actual sex, and said “let’s just have fun and be close other ways(orally, sometimes anally or manually(both by self or each other) because I don’t enjoy feeling like I’m hurting you when we have sex.” I understand his point of view, and of coarse for me, it wasn’t to too hard to convince me to accept this as the “hand we’ve been dealt”. I also allowed myself to think his love of me was enough to survive this situation. But now since he’s left me, if I’m honest I have to believe someone really can only be understanding for so long, even though he knows I’m not doing anything purposefully.


reminds me of my wife when we got married , if i read your post right she had the same problems 

not has it impacted on your husband , I have often thought that if I was not a virgin on my wedding day and for me divorce was at the time unthinkable , i would not have got to where i am


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Why did he leave you? Another woman? Doesn't he love you any more? Too much for him?


----------



## IzzyRae (19 d ago)

In Absentia said:


> Why did he leave you? Another woman? Doesn't he love you any more? Too much for him?


He did leave me, currently is claiming he’s never physically cheated on me but is having an emotional relationship with someone else he is wanting to explore a relationship with. His main complaint states has nothing to do with our sex life-but states I am not affectionate enough with him in other ways(don’t tell him I love him enough and not physically affectionate outside the bedroom). I am not a naturally affectionate person, I do agree, but I have always reciprocated all affectionate actions initiated on his end.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

IzzyRae said:


> He did leave me, currently is claiming he’s never physically cheated on me but is having an emotional relationship with someone else he is wanting to explore a relationship with. His main complaint states has nothing to do with our sex life-but states I am not affectionate enough with him in other ways(don’t tell him I love him enough and not physically affectionate outside the bedroom). I am not a naturally affectionate person, I do agree, but I have always reciprocated all affectionate actions initiated on his end.


Sorry to hear that. Must be hard.


----------



## IzzyRae (19 d ago)

In Absentia said:


> Sorry to hear that. Must be hard.


Yes, while I have tried to be a good wife in all other areas I can control, I do feel a good measure guilt in this aspect even though it’s not something I’ve purposefully done.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

IzzyRae said:


> Yes, while I have tried to be a good wife in all other areas I can control, I do feel a good measure guilt in this aspect even though it’s not something I’ve purposefully done.


We all have flaws... did you have any inkling that he was having an emotional affair with somebody else?


----------



## IzzyRae (19 d ago)

In Absentia said:


> We all have flaws... did you have any inkling that he was having an emotional affair with somebody else?





In Absentia said:


> We all have flaws... did you have any inkling that he was having an emotional affair with somebody else?


This year the dynamics in the relationship have been the worse this year, in that he slowly began gone more and more hanging out with co-workers and his buddies not caring and even getting mad when I made mention it bothered me. His phone usage and obvious secrecy of it has heightened my paranoia something was going on. And even the last few months when I tried to initiate any sexual activity it was almost as if he got mad I was doing so and said some pretty cruel things to decline me. I’m not saying I’m perfect, but besides my physical limitations I have put effort into being a good wife in other ways.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

IzzyRae said:


> This year the dynamics in the relationship have been the worse this year, in that he slowly began gone more and more hanging out with co-workers and his buddies not caring and even getting mad when I made mention it bothered me. His phone usage and obvious secrecy of it has heightened my paranoia something was going on. And even the last few months when I tried to initiate any sexual activity it was almost as if he got mad I was doing so and said some pretty cruel things to decline me. I’m not saying I’m perfect, but besides my physical limitations I have put effort into being a good wife in other ways.


I doubt that your physical limitations played any role in it. It seems to me that your husband is just a sad cheater, unfortunately.


----------



## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

For a normal man it is impossible to enjoy sex with a woman knowing she is in pain and doesn't enjoy it. So yes, sex or absence of it broke your marriage whether your husband admits this or not.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

romantic_dreamer said:


> For a normal man it is impossible to enjoy sex with a woman knowing she is in pain and doesn't enjoy it. So yes, sex or absence of it broke your marriage whether your husband admits this or not.


Sex doesn't have to be PIV. You can enjoy a sexual relationship in many different ways if you love each other ans care about each other. Her husband obviously chose the easy way out at the end. Which tells you everything about what kind of man he is.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

IzzyRae said:


> My spouse left me a month ago for someone else, but claims our sex life had nothing to do with his decision, but I have a hard time believing this. I do have a unique sex life situation and have never shied away from the importance of sex in a marriage, but wonder if this is just too much for anyone to deal with in a marriage.
> 
> I was a virgin when I was married(rare I know) so right off with regards our sex life, I experienced abnormal extreme pain in even attempting sex. Over the initial years of our marriage in seeing multiple drs for help(which no doubt strained things for a new marriage) these doctors each said things like it was all in my head(I needed to relax) or I was repressing and hiding sexual trauma(I am not), etc. After a few years I finally found a doctor who thankfully saw something abnormal with her examination of me. After having two medical surgeries to remove and correct the abnormality in my pelvic wall, as well as having regular physical pelvic therapy for months we finally were able to have sex, however unfortunately I still have never been able to have 100% pain free sex and likely won’t without more time and money spent for further medical intervention. It is MUCH better in that I can actually tolerate the pain I experience while having sex, but the pain is still strong enough I can’t physically hide it and I have no enjoyment myself, but I do have satisfaction knowing my husband should be able to have sex with me. I have tried to tell my husband to just ignore the fact I’m in pain and just keep having sex since I know it’s important(although I also realize this is not a normal for anyone’s sex life). He though still felt bad and eventually didn’t want to have actual sex, and said “let’s just have fun and be close other ways(which we did regularly by means of oral and manually sexual activity, showers together, and other options were thrown in occasionally) because I don’t enjoy feeling like I’m hurting you when we have sex.” I understand his point of view and part of me has just accepted this as the “hand I’ve been dealt”, and unfortunately he’s now been dealt. I also allowed myself to think his love of me was enough to survive this situation. But now since he’s left me, if I’m honest I have to believe someone really can only be understanding for so long, even though he knows I’m not doing anything purposefully. And even for my future, I don’t know if this is a situation I should make anyone else have to deal with.


You might try the THC infused lubricant,(ex. Foria) one of their claim to fame is to help greatly with pain from intercourse, so many women claim.


----------



## IzzyRae (19 d ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> You might try the THC infused lubricant,(ex. Foria) one of their claim to fame is to help greatly with pain from intercourse, so many women claim.


Thank you for that helpful suggestion, and your non-judgement response. I will definitely look that up. Especially as if late I definitely can see some options I haven’t tried.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

IzzyRae said:


> but states I am not affectionate enough with him in other ways(don’t tell him I love him enough and not physically affectionate outside the bedroom).
> I am not a naturally affectionate person, I do agree, but I have always reciprocated all affectionate actions initiated on his end.


Sounds like his love language is touch. The last sentence missed the mark. By reciprocating only, it is not genuine. 

Like a woman getting upset she never gets flowers so the hubby goes out and buys her flowers. If it has to be brought up for it to happen, the hubby did not care or even care enough to even think about getting her flowers in the first place. Or hubby never telling her she is pretty unless it is brought up because she is upset about it. 

A person that feels this way, just reciprocating tells them you really do not care in the first place....that is what he would feel.


----------



## Dormatte (4 mo ago)

IzzyRae said:


> My spouse left me a month ago for someone else, but claims our sex life had nothing to do with his decision, but I have a hard time believing this. I do have a unique sex life situation and have never shied away from the importance of sex in a marriage, but wonder if this is just too much for anyone to deal with in a marriage.
> 
> I was a virgin when I was married(rare I know) so right off with regards our sex life, I experienced abnormal extreme pain in even attempting sex. Over the initial years of our marriage in seeing multiple drs for help(which no doubt strained things for a new marriage) these doctors each said things like it was all in my head(I needed to relax) or I was repressing and hiding sexual trauma(I am not), etc. After a few years I finally found a doctor who thankfully saw something abnormal with her examination of me. After having two medical surgeries to remove and correct the abnormality in my pelvic wall, as well as having regular physical pelvic therapy for months we finally were able to have sex, however unfortunately I still have never been able to have 100% pain free sex and likely won’t without more time and money spent for further medical intervention. It is MUCH better in that I can actually tolerate the pain I experience while having sex, but the pain is still strong enough I can’t physically hide it and I have no enjoyment myself, but I do have satisfaction knowing my husband should be able to have sex with me. I have tried to tell my husband to just ignore the fact I’m in pain and just keep having sex since I know it’s important(although I also realize this is not a normal for anyone’s sex life). He though still felt bad and eventually didn’t want to have actual sex, and said “let’s just have fun and be close other ways(which we did regularly by means of oral and manually sexual activity, showers together, and other options were thrown in occasionally) because I don’t enjoy feeling like I’m hurting you when we have sex.” I understand his point of view and part of me has just accepted this as the “hand I’ve been dealt”, and unfortunately he’s now been dealt. I also allowed myself to think his love of me was enough to survive this situation. But now since he’s left me, if I’m honest I have to believe someone really can only be understanding for so long, even though he knows I’m not doing anything purposefully. And even for my future, I don’t know if this is a situation I should make anyone else have to deal with.





You two probably were never compatible, but ignored all of that until it couldn't be ignored.


You two probably never should have dated or married.


Love isn't enough to make relationships work...

and alot of times (maybe your case)people who aren't meant to be together and shouldn't be force themselves to be together regardless.



It never works out.


It isn't just the sex. .it's the other things too.


Chances are (you may already be aware) it is highly likely that he being a sexually active person has been cheating all along.



I'm sorry that you're going through this.



Eventually, hopefully you'll see that him leaving is for the best. (Please let him go. Don't continue staying)


You two just weren't meant to be.


----------



## IzzyRae (19 d ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> Sounds like his love language is touch. The last sentence missed the mark. By reciprocating only, it is not genuine.
> 
> Like a woman getting upset she never gets flowers so the hubby goes out and buys her flowers. If it has to be brought up for it to happen, the hubby did not care or even care enough to even think about getting her flowers in the first place. Or hubby never telling her she is pretty unless it is brought up because she is upset about it.
> 
> A person that feels this way, just reciprocating tells them you really do not care in the first place....that is what he would feel.


I can understand the different areas of love language. And agreed, I have acknowledged and take responsibility of my faults in not showing that language to him as I should have in the way he best understood. But that does not mean I do not love him or my love was not genuine. I show my love by acts of service-making sure the house is always clean, cooking meals, paying the bills, taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, grocery shopping on top of also having a full time job to help us be comfortable financially- trying to make sure he didn’t have to lift a finger outside of his secular job and never complained doing them all. I understand these may not have meant to him what they intended to be showing by me. And that is my fault for not truly understanding to the extent these efforts were nothing more than needed activities to him. But I do know I do love my husband and wish I’d been sat down with a calm serious discussion and told the actual gravity of how he was feeling when it got to a certain extent rather than festering.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

romantic_dreamer said:


> For a normal man it is impossible to enjoy sex with a woman knowing she is in pain and doesn't enjoy it. So yes, sex or absence of it broke your marriage whether your husband admits this or not.


I can't agree. They are other ways of enjoying sex and a decent faithful man would not cheat on his wife.


----------



## IzzyRae (19 d ago)

Dormatte said:


> You two probably were never compatible, but ignored all of that until it couldn't be ignored.
> 
> 
> You two probably never should have dated or married.
> ...


Agreed. It is quite likely we are two good people who were not a good match compatibly and would take much more effort to make work. Just a painful situation to acknowledge. But I don’t have a choice in the situation ultimately and will have to move on.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

IzzyRae said:


> I can understand the different areas of love language. And agreed, I have acknowledged and take responsibility of my faults in not showing that language to him as I should have in the way he best understood. But that does not mean I do not love him or my love was not genuine. I show my love by acts of service-making sure the house is always clean, cooking meals, paying the bills, taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, grocery shopping on top of also having a full time job to help us be comfortable financially- trying to make sure he didn’t have to lift a finger outside of his secular job and never complained doing them all. I understand these may not have meant to him what they intended to be showing by me. And that is my fault for not truly understanding to the extent these efforts were nothing more than needed activities to him. But I do know I do love my husband and wish I’d been sat down with a calm serious discussion and told the actual gravity of how he was feeling when it got to a certain extent rather than festering.


It is in no way your fault that he has cheated. Please stop blaming yourself. None of is are perfect yet a good man would not cheat on his wife. It sounds as if he has been cheating for some time sadly.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

IzzyRae said:


> Agreed. It is quite likely we are two good people who were not a good match compatibly and would take much more effort to make work. Just a painful situation to acknowledge. But I don’t have a choice in the situation ultimately and will have to move on.


A good person doesn't lie deceive and cheat.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

IzzyRae said:


> Thank you for that helpful suggestion, and your non-judgement response. I will definitely look that up. Especially as if late I definitely can see some options I haven’t tried.


I know you have to have a weed card or be in state where recreational is legal, or there are recipes on the internet for making your own. There are a lot of testimonies from women who have pain. 

I understand part of his plight. My wife had pain during specific times, we had thought it was probably due to varicose veins in the vagina, don't remember the condition. She would be into the sex and at times show signs of pain, but she did not want me to stop. Afterward she would end up doubled up in pain and it made me feel like I had raped her. I would have rather she agreed to stop mid stride. Did not help the constantly hitting the cervix.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I am going to ask the obvious.

Sometimes my sense of humor sounds crass, even rude.

Um, more than sometimes.

Sorry.

Is your husband's member on the very large size of not normal?

If so, you may be in luck.

Some, many men are on the small size, some can even be called micro.

After you divorce this husband search for his smaller replacement.

Or, for a somewhat asexual man.


----------



## IzzyRae (19 d ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> I know you have to have a weed card or be in state where recreational is legal, or there are recipes on the internet for making your own. There are a lot of testimonies from women who have pain.
> 
> I understand part of his plight. My wife had pain during specific times, we had thought it was probably due to varicose veins in the vagina, don't remember the condition. She would be into the sex and at times show signs of pain, but she did not want me to stop. Afterward she would end up doubled up in pain and it made me feel like I had raped her. I would have rather she agreed to stop mid stride. Did not help the constantly hitting the cervix.


Thank you for this advice. Regardless of what happens, I do need to figure out further what I can do. 

And thats exactly what he says. “I feel like I’m “raping you”.” It’s an unfair situation neither of us asked for, but I’m glad there are still things I can try.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

IzzyRae said:


> My spouse left me a month ago for someone else, but claims our sex life had nothing to do with his decision, but I have a hard time believing this. I do have a unique sex life situation and have never shied away from the importance of sex in a marriage, but wonder if this is just too much for anyone to deal with in a marriage.
> 
> I was a virgin when I was married(rare I know) so right off with regards our sex life, I experienced abnormal extreme pain in even attempting sex. Over the initial years of our marriage in seeing multiple drs for help(which no doubt strained things for a new marriage) these doctors each said things like it was all in my head(I needed to relax) or I was repressing and hiding sexual trauma(I am not), etc. After a few years I finally found a doctor who thankfully saw something abnormal with her examination of me. After having two medical surgeries to remove and correct the abnormality in my pelvic wall, as well as having regular physical pelvic therapy for months we finally were able to have sex, however unfortunately I still have never been able to have 100% pain free sex and likely won’t without more time and money spent for further medical intervention. It is MUCH better in that I can actually tolerate the pain I experience while having sex, but the pain is still strong enough I can’t physically hide it and I have no enjoyment myself, but I do have satisfaction knowing my husband should be able to have sex with me. I have tried to tell my husband to just ignore the fact I’m in pain and just keep having sex since I know it’s important(although I also realize this is not a normal for anyone’s sex life). He though still felt bad and eventually didn’t want to have actual sex, and said “let’s just have fun and be close other ways(which we did regularly by means of oral and manually sexual activity, showers together, and other options were thrown in occasionally) because I don’t enjoy feeling like I’m hurting you when we have sex.” I understand his point of view and part of me has just accepted this as the “hand I’ve been dealt”, and unfortunately he’s now been dealt. I also allowed myself to think his love of me was enough to survive this situation. But now since he’s left me, if I’m honest I have to believe someone really can only be understanding for so long, even though he knows I’m not doing anything purposefully. And even for my future, I don’t know if this is a situation I should make anyone else have to deal with.


Your husband is nothing more than a run of the mill cheater. Everyone has a choice in what they do. He was not forced to have an EA, likely a PA. Please try no to blame yourself for his infidelity.

All that said, I have to believe your inability to not have "normal" sex play a role, probably a significant role. It will continue to be an issue with any future lover. @SunCMars asks a valid question. Was he above average size? If that isn't a factor and it really is all a physiological issue with you it is going to be tough to find a man that is completely okay with this. And you will need to be honest with any potential future lover now that you know this medical issue exists.

Just curious, how old are you two, how long married and any kids?


----------



## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

One good solution, baby oil, best lubricant.


----------



## IzzyRae (19 d ago)

SunCMars said:


> I am going to ask the obvious.
> 
> Sometimes my sense of humor sounds crass, even rude.
> 
> ...


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

IzzyRae said:


> I can understand the different areas of love language. And agreed, I have acknowledged and take responsibility of my faults in not showing that language to him as I should have in the way he best understood. But that does not mean I do not love him or my love was not genuine. I show my love by acts of service-making sure the house is always clean, cooking meals, paying the bills, taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, grocery shopping on top of also having a full time job to help us be comfortable financially- trying to make sure he didn’t have to lift a finger outside of his secular job and never complained doing them all. I understand these may not have meant to him what they intended to be showing by me. And that is my fault for not truly understanding to the extent these efforts were nothing more than needed activities to him. But I do know I do love my husband and wish I’d been sat down with a calm serious discussion and told the actual gravity of how he was feeling when it got to a certain extent rather than festering.


Communication is KEY! 

Due to the lack of sex at a point in my marriage(3-4x month)) I was about ready to leave. I felt totally unwanted and I did over half the HH chores as it sounds you were to. I was detaching from my wife to protect my emotional state of being rejected. She knew I was detaching and started asking what was wrong. I was a conflict avoider, thanks mom/dad for that example, so I would say nothing, as I drifted further and further away. 

One night it came to a head, we went to bedroom sitting on the bed and she said "Please talk to me, I can't fix it if I don't know what is wrong". That cracked the dam of emotions and resentment I had been holding back. 

Once the dam was cracked, I could not hold anymore back. For 2 days I dumped stuff in her lap that had bothered me badly but I never said a word, just sucked it up and put it behind the dam with all the other resentments.

I felt like a huge weight I had been carrying, was lifted and I felt as light as a feather. She was stunned to say the least, she was angry because she also realized she did not know her husband as well as she thought. 

Since then, I speak my mind. I do not bottle things up and let those resentments eat on me like a cancer, as I had for years. Now that we communicate, really communicate, it is like we can speak what each other is thinking, we are mentally connected like identical twins. Our marriage is better than either of us could imagine.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

gameopoly5 said:


> One good solution, baby oil, best lubricant.


Go for Avocado oil. Better than coconut oil IMO. Use it for that and for massages.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Your husband cheating has to do with his character, not because you didn’t do certain things. Cheaters always find excuses and blame others, but he could have told you that he wants a divorce; cheating is never a solution to solving problems within a marriage. Now, you’re spending time analyzing everything you could have done better so he wouldn’t have cheated. I’m sure he has flaws, you didn’t seek out another guy to have an affair.

In your other thread, you mention he was out until 3 AM, going out of the room when he’d get calls from this other woman, etc…That behavior is on him - totally disrespecting you as his wife. He could have said at some point, “this isn’t working and I want a divorce,” but he took this path. That is all on him.

I think you may benefit from individual counseling so you can sort out these feelings and work on your self-esteem which is what will continue to erode if you keep blaming yourself for your husband’s affair. So sorry you’re in this place right now.


----------



## IzzyRae (19 d ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Your husband is nothing more than a run of the mill cheater. Everyone has a choice in what they do. He was not forced to have an EA, likely a PA. Please try no to blame yourself for his infidelity.
> 
> All that said, I have to believe your inability to not have "normal" sex play a role, probably a significant role. It will continue to be an issue with any future lover. @SunCMars asks a valid question. Was he above average size? If that isn't a factor and it really is all a physiological issue with you it is going to be tough to find a man that is completely okay with this. And you will need to be honest with any potential future lover now that you know this medical issue exists.
> 
> Just curious, how old are you two, how long married and any kids?


Your points are all valid. We are both 39, before marriage we had already discussed neither of us wanted children so thankfully that’s never played an added stress factor in this situation, and we just celebrated our 10 yr anniversary a few months ago.(which makes me even more sad because I thought we had a really enjoyable intimate celebration that I had hoped would be a catalyst to help with obvious disconnect we clearly have been having).
My spouse did choose to cheat and he takes the blame for that, I won’t accept blame for that. And this was actually his second marriage whom he got left by a cheater, so he knows how it feels.
My spouse was average, if even a bit under average unfortunately for me. So size was not the overall issue. 
I have definitely been pondering the fairness of making another man deal with my issues, even if this is a condition that I have not caused myself. There are definitely “some stones not turned over” so to speak by us with this medical condition that I know could be tried. But that’s still “work” someone would have to be up for a bit if a challenge for, which I understand is not going to be worth it to many.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

One solution, another to chuckle over.

Join up with a mostly healthy man, well past his prime.

When they pass on to the next life, find another.

Please note, the healthy ones are always in demand!

Being younger, you will have the edge.

A solution is always available if one is willing to compromise.

Life is all about compromises.


----------



## IzzyRae (19 d ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> Communication is KEY!
> 
> Due to the lack of sex at a point in my marriage(3-4x month)) I was about ready to leave. I felt totally unwanted and I did over half the HH chores as it sounds you were to. I was detaching from my wife to protect my emotional state of being rejected. She knew I was detaching and started asking what was wrong. I was a conflict avoider, thanks mom/dad for that example, so I would say nothing, as I drifted further and further away.
> 
> ...


You are 100% correct. Communication was lacking and that’s both our faults. He was a bit more vocal in periodic spurts, but his communication was shouting and yelling at me which I handled by shutting down protecting myself, which I wish those times he did do that I could have made myself disregarded the way he was presenting things, and later asked him calmly to explain what he was saying in a conversation I could take in properly. 
But I am definitely a conflict avoider so as I watched him getting worse in disconnect from me, and I did shut down to protect myself emotionally. I watched him come home late but didn’t ask questions to keep the peace. Let him take phone calls outside, no questions asked by me so he wasn’t annoyed with me. But resentment was there, and probably spoke volumes without a word.


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

IzzyRae said:


> But I do know I do love my husband and wish I’d been sat down with a calm serious discussion and told the actual gravity of how he was feeling when it got to a certain extent rather than festering.


Of course. It is cowardly to sneak around and cheat on your spouse. If you’re unhappy you should just have a talk as you said above.

As for your health issues that is unfortunate. If my wife was unable to have PIV sex without obvious pain or discomfort it would be aggravating however it sounds like you made a lot of effort to try and fix it. To be honest it probably depends a lot on the particular guy as to what they’re into.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

IzzyRae said:


> Your points are all valid. We are both 39, before marriage we had already discussed neither of us wanted children so thankfully that’s never played an added stress factor in this situation, and we just celebrated our 10 yr anniversary a few months ago.(which makes me even more sad because I thought we had a really enjoyable intimate celebration that I had hoped would be a catalyst to help with obvious disconnect we clearly have been having).
> My spouse did choose to cheat and he takes the blame for that, I won’t accept blame for that. And this was actually his second marriage whom he got left by a cheater, so he knows how it feels.
> My spouse was average, if even a bit under average unfortunately for me. So size was not the overall issue.
> I have definitely been pondering the fairness of making another man deal with my issues, even if this is a condition that I have not caused myself. There are definitely “some stones not turned over” so to speak by us with this medical condition that I know could be tried. But that’s still “work” someone would have to be up for a bit if a challenge for, which I understand is not going to be worth it to many.


So you didn't lose your virginity until 29? That is pretty late in life. Is there a particular reason other than not finding the right guy? Did you know prior to this that you had gynecologic issues that would make sex painful? Did you masturbate and was it ever an issue? You could find the right man that would be happy to work with you, but you will need to be completely upfront about it, which will be a difficult and uncomfortable conversation.

BTW, I'm not asking these questions to find an excuse for you husband. Just trying to better understand your whole situation.



IzzyRae said:


> But I am definitely a conflict avoider so as I watched him getting worse in disconnect from me, and I did shut down to protect myself emotionally. I watched him come home late but didn’t ask questions to keep the peace. Let him take phone calls outside, no questions asked by me so he wasn’t annoyed with me. But resentment was there, and probably spoke volumes without a word.


Based on this it sounds like he has been on his way out for a while. It is too bad you sat and watched, but it is easy to say that in hind sight. What is it you want to come out of this? Are you trying to save the marriage or are you set on moving on?


----------



## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> Sex doesn't have to be PIV. You can enjoy a sexual relationship in many different ways if you love each other ans care about each other. Her husband obviously chose the easy way out at the end. Which tells you everything about what kind of man he is.


No, sex is not only PIV but sex cannot exist without PIV. At least from a man's side. 

The biggest mistake they made was wait until marriage. So the husband had to deal with his wife's issue he didn't know about. I am not saying he acted bravely but I cannot blame him either. A marriage is a sexual relationship including PIV.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> No, sex is not only PIV but sex cannot exist without PIV. At least from a man's side.
> 
> The biggest mistake they made was wait until marriage. So the husband had to deal with his wife's issue he didn't know about. I am not saying he acted bravely but I cannot blame him either. A marriage is a sexual relationship including PIV.


This would be a very bitter pill to swallow, finding out your wife can't engage in PIV sex without pain during your honeymoon. However, he lived with it for 10 years, so he didn't exactly just up and quit. What we don't know is if he would have ended up being a cheater at some point even if she had no issues with sexual intercourse.


----------



## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

IzzyRae said:


> He did leave me, currently is claiming he’s never physically cheated on me but is having an emotional relationship with someone else he is wanting to explore a relationship with. His main complaint states has nothing to do with our sex life-but states I am not affectionate enough with him in other ways(don’t tell him I love him enough and not physically affectionate outside the bedroom). I am not a naturally affectionate person, I do agree, but I have always reciprocated all affectionate actions initiated on his end.


Listen - this is your answer right there. He's being honest with you. I deal with this from my husband. I am learning my husbands love language and we are doing much better because of it but 6 months ago, I was losing my mind because the sex life sucked (my fault - not his words but my own). I was at my wits end because I felt that he wasn't affectionate enough and felt detached but I wasn't looking at everything outside of me telling him that I love him and him not hearing me. He shows me affection in other ways. Like when he comes up to simply rub my butt and kiss my ear while I'm doing dishes. He cooks dinner every night, no matter how tired he is. He makes sure that he is little spoon because he knows that I sleep better with his butt pressed against me. If he cuddles me, I feel closed in. For a period of time, we were barely having sex at all but that has gotten better too because I'm happy and smile at him every day. He feeds off of my energy, so if I'm sad and whiney, he's sad and whiney. Sorry for babbling, I hope that you get my drift. If he's asking for you to be more affectionate - then find ways to do so.


----------



## DallasCowboyFan (Nov 20, 2012)

This relationship is probably going to end. Don't shy away from future relationships because of this. Just be upfront. If you take care of your guy orally on a regular basis and are willing to have additional procedures to try to get beyond the issue, you can be a great partner for someone. I do think your husband has already been intimate with whomever he is seeing. New relationships that occur during marriage are loaded with passionate sex. Without it, there would be no breakup. It is a major part of what "sets the hook". The cheaters don't consider the fact that the passion will subside. There is something about extramarital affairs that provides an adrenaline rush for those involved. That goes away when it is no longer a taboo relationship.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

romantic_dreamer said:


> No, sex is not only PIV but sex cannot exist without PIV. At least from a man's side.
> 
> The biggest mistake they made was wait until marriage. So the husband had to deal with his wife's issue he didn't know about. I am not saying he acted bravely but I cannot blame him either. A marriage is a sexual relationship including PIV.


Sex with PIV is one type of sex. Sex does exist without PIV.

**** in life happens. Not his wife's fault and not the husband's fault. He waited and then decided to have an EA. You cannot blame him for the affair?


----------



## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> Sounds like his love language is touch. The last sentence missed the mark. By reciprocating only, it is not genuine.
> 
> Like a woman getting upset she never gets flowers so the hubby goes out and buys her flowers. If it has to be brought up for it to happen, the hubby did not care or even care enough to even think about getting her flowers in the first place. Or hubby never telling her she is pretty unless it is brought up because she is upset about it.
> 
> A person that feels this way, just reciprocating tells them you really do not care in the first place....that is what he would feel.


I agree with this. I kept telling my husband to buy me flowers because I want flowers in the house and he said no, they don't mean anything if I have to tell him and he is right. So I just buy them for myself. He said that he would rather plant a garden for me where we can grow our own flowers. While I thought I was doing good by telling him that I needed more - he really felt like I was telling him that what he was doing wasn't good enough and in the end, it really hurt his feelings.


----------



## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

DallasCowboyFan said:


> This relationship is probably going to end. Don't shy away from future relationships because of this. Just be upfront. If you take care of your guy orally on a regular basis and are willing to have additional procedures to try to get beyond the issue, you can be a great partner for someone. I do think your husband has already been intimate with whomever he is seeing. New relationships that occur during marriage are loaded with passionate sex. Without it, there would be no breakup. It is a major part of what "sets the hook". The cheaters don't consider the fact that the passion will subside. There is something about extramarital affairs that provides an adrenaline rush for those involved. That goes away when it is no longer a taboo relationship.


How do you know this for a fact?


----------



## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Do you know who this woman is. ?

Was this an arranged marriage ?


----------



## IzzyRae (19 d ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> So you didn't lose your virginity until 29? That is pretty late in life. Is there a particular reason other than not finding the right guy? Did you know prior to this that you had gynecologic issues that would make sex painful? Did you masturbate and was it ever an issue? You could find the right man that would be happy to work with you, but you will need to be completely upfront about it, which will be a difficult and uncomfortable conversation.
> 
> BTW, I'm not asking these questions to find an excuse for you husband. Just trying to better understand your whole situation.
> 
> ...


I waited for marriage due to how I was brought up, and I have no regrets over that choice. But that did make this medical condition unknown to me, thus unknown to my spouse as well. Unfortunate for both of us. 
And any previous masterbation was never anything internal, so that didn’t alarm me either unfortunately. 
I do think the marriage could be reconciled and saved if we both would commit to 100% effort especially with intimacy and communication beyond the sex aspect. And as for sex there are medical options we did not pursued that we could, plus we both could be a lot more carefree in that area for what we can do as, if we could let go of the frustration and resentment of the issues that have built up over the years. 
I am a logical and practical thinker. And I do believe any marriage can work if you both put in effort. And honestly I think that’s what you should do. And that hasn’t been being done especially the last few years. And I have always pictured us figuring this situation out and growing old together. I do love my husband. He’s made mistakes, but I can empathize with what he’s had to deal with and overall I do think he is a good man, one worth not giving up on. We both just were in a situation we just haven’t handled as we should. That said my husband is more of an emotional thinker, and he would say relationships should not be work, they should be easy and natural. And obviously given the fact he has someone else he’s going to, I don’t think I will have an option in this matter, so will have to move on. 
I am definitely going to be open and honest with any future relationship I may have regarding this challenge. My husband didn’t deserve to have to deal with this challenge in our marriage, just as much as I didn’t ask to be born with a defect. I don’t think it’s hopeless, it’s just not a carefree aspect like many are blessed with.


----------



## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

IzzyRae said:


> I waited for marriage due to how I was brought up, and I have no regrets over that choice. But that did make this medical condition unknown to me, thus unknown to my spouse as well. Unfortunate for both of us.
> And any previous masterbation was never anything internal, so that didn’t alarm me either unfortunately.
> I do think the marriage could be reconciled and saved if we both would commit to 100% effort especially with intimacy and communication beyond the sex aspect. And as for sex there are medical options we did not pursued that we could, plus we both could be a lot more carefree in that area for what we can do as, if we could let go of the frustration and resentment of the issues that have built up over the years.
> I am a logical and practical thinker. And I do believe any marriage can work if you both put in effort. And honestly I think that’s what you should do. And that hasn’t been being done especially the last few years. And I have always pictured us figuring this situation out and growing old together. I do love my husband. He’s made mistakes, but I can empathize with what he’s had to deal with and overall I do think he is a good man, one worth not giving up on. We both just were in a situation we just haven’t handled as we should. That said my husband is more of an emotional thinker, and he would say relationships should not be work, they should be easy and natural. And obviously given the fact he has someone else he’s going to, I don’t think I will have an option in this matter, so will have to move on.
> I am definitely going to be open and honest with any future relationship I may have regarding this challenge. My husband didn’t deserve to have to deal with this challenge in our marriage, just as much as I didn’t ask to be born with a defect. I don’t think it’s hopeless, it’s just not a carefree aspect like many are blessed with.


Have you guys tried lubricants? Sex for me can be quite painful at times, if we don't have foreplay first and I'm not relaxed.


----------



## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Crude and I’ll ask it straight out. There is another hole you can use. Did you try that?


----------



## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

RebuildingMe said:


> Crude and I’ll ask it straight out. There is another hole you can use. Did you try that?


Husband always says 'there's more holes'


----------



## IzzyRae (19 d ago)

RebuildingMe said:


> Crude and I’ll ask it straight out. There is another hole you can use. Did you try that?


Not crude at all. Yes we incorporated that as well, however I couldn’t handle that all the time weekly. So it was never the primary form we engaged in.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

IzzyRae said:


> unfortunately I still have never been able to have 100% pain free sex and likely won’t without more time and money spent for further medical intervention. It is MUCH better in that I can actually tolerate the pain I experience while having sex, but the pain is still strong enough I can’t physically hide it and I have no enjoyment myself, but I do have satisfaction knowing my husband should be able to have sex with me. I have tried to tell my husband to just ignore the fact I’m in pain and just keep having sex since I know it’s important(although I also realize this is not a normal for anyone’s sex life). He though still felt bad and eventually didn’t want to have actual sex,


I have only read the first post and have not read any of the 3 pages of responses. 

I respect and admire for you trying and for working on the issues and while it was very generous of you to offer him to have sex despite your pain, only a psychopath, sociopath or complete asshole would continue to have sex on an ongoing basis with someone who was experiencing pain even if they did give their consent. 

I know you were trying to be giving and collaborative if your offer and I know you did not mean this and this was not your intent, but in a way it is also kind of offensive and demeaning to man to tell him have sex with you despite your pain. It's kind of like saying you know he is a such a horny and uncaring animal that you will allow him to do what he needs to do despite your grimaces and grunts and groans of pain and discomfort. I personally would feel a bit insulted if someone were to essentually tell me that they are going to experience pain and discomfort and it will not be pleasurable for them at all but they know I have to have it so go ahead and do what ya gotta do despite my obvious pain and displeasure. 

It's basically saying men or so uncaring and so driven by their animal instincts that they won't care if their partner is in pain. To someone who is decent and caring, that is kind of insulting and demeaning. A decent man wants to please and pleasure his partner and wants his partner to desire him and want to be with him and have a very positive experience in being with him. He does not want to cause pain and discomfort and a negative experience. For a decent man it is not just about emptying one's tank in whatever vessel happens to be available at the time. 

I know you did not mean it that way and that you were trying to be kind and generous yourself, but that is how a kind and caring person would probably ultimately take it. 

And yes, that is kind of a catch-22. The catch-22 is only a completely selfish and uncaring A-hole would inflict pain on someone just to get their own rocks off. A decent man will not be able to bring themselves to do so. You're kind of dammed if you do, dammed if you don't. 

My suggestion is continue with your therapies and treatments for your benefit and so that hopefully in the future it was be a pleasurable and positive experience for both you and your future partner.


----------



## IzzyRae (19 d ago)

*Deidre* said:


> Your husband cheating has to do with his character, not because you didn’t do certain things. Cheaters always find excuses and blame others, but he could have told you that he wants a divorce; cheating is never a solution to solving problems within a marriage. Now, you’re spending time analyzing everything you could have done better so he wouldn’t have cheated. I’m sure he has flaws, you didn’t seek out another guy to have an affair.
> 
> In your other thread, you mention he was out until 3 AM, going out of the room when he’d get calls from this other woman, etc…That behavior is on him - totally disrespecting you as his wife. He could have said at some point, “this isn’t working and I want a divorce,” but he took this path. That is all on him.
> 
> I think you may benefit from individual counseling so you can sort out these feelings and work on your self-esteem which is what will continue to erode if you keep blaming yourself for your husband’s affair. So sorry you’re in this place right now.


You are absolutely correct. And I will eventually get to a point where I know my faults were not an excuse for his cheating. And cheating is his disrespect and disloyalty towards me. And talking to a counselor is on my list to schedule soon.


----------



## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

romantic_dreamer said:


> No, sex is not only PIV but sex cannot exist without PIV. At least from a man's side.
> 
> The biggest mistake they made was wait until marriage. So the husband had to deal with his wife's issue he didn't know about. I am not saying he acted bravely but I cannot blame him either. A marriage is a sexual relationship including PIV.


I disagree with this. I think my husband would be perfect fine without PIV sex because of oral/hand accessibility. Sex is just not on his radar and I really think he only does it to satisfy me.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Now that I've read the rest of the thread, I concur with several of the others that there was probably a generalized compatibility issue here and that while the sexual dynamics probably played some role in the breakdown, it was likely not the actual "cause". The 'cause' a cumulation of about 2,638 different things. 

No one truly leaves a marriage because the other person did not load the dishwasher the right way. But rather the dishwasher was the straw that broke the camel's back that lead to the comment that trigger the fight that caused blow up that lead to someone saying something out of line that lead to further escalation that honked someone off enough they went stomping out of the house etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc until one day someone is moving into an apartment and when one of their friends is helping them carry a piece of furniture up to the 3rd floor and asks them why it is that they are getting a divorce, their go-to answer is "I loaded the dishwasher wrong." 

You may be a sexual dynamo for all we know. You may be a great lover. But things ultimately did not work out between you and him, and that was likely due to a multitude of reasons. And sometimes that reason is nothing more than the person leaving just wanting a different life.


----------



## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I disagree with this. I think my husband would be perfect fine without PIV sex because of oral/hand accessibility. Sex is just not on his radar and I really think he only does it to satisfy me.


This is really sad. Are you ok with this?


----------



## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> Sex with PIV is one type of sex. Sex does exist without PIV.
> 
> Sh!t in life happens. Not his wife's fault and not the husband's fault. He waited and then decided to have an EA. You cannot blame him for the affair?


I don't know if he waited or tried everything he could and just exhausted all options.


----------



## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

IzzyRae said:


> I waited for marriage due to how I was brought up, and I have no regrets over that choice. But that did make this medical condition unknown to me, thus unknown to my spouse as well. Unfortunate for both of us.
> And any previous masterbation was never anything internal, so that didn’t alarm me either unfortunately.
> I do think the marriage could be reconciled and saved if we both would commit to 100% effort especially with intimacy and communication beyond the sex aspect. And as for sex there are medical options we did not pursued that we could, plus we both could be a lot more carefree in that area for what we can do as, if we could let go of the frustration and resentment of the issues that have built up over the years.
> I am a logical and practical thinker. And I do believe any marriage can work if you both put in effort. And honestly I think that’s what you should do. And that hasn’t been being done especially the last few years. And I have always pictured us figuring this situation out and growing old together. I do love my husband. He’s made mistakes, but I can empathize with what he’s had to deal with and overall I do think he is a good man, one worth not giving up on. We both just were in a situation we just haven’t handled as we should. That said my husband is more of an emotional thinker, and he would say relationships should not be work, they should be easy and natural. And obviously given the fact he has someone else he’s going to, I don’t think I will have an option in this matter, so will have to move on.
> I am definitely going to be open and honest with any future relationship I may have regarding this challenge. My husband didn’t deserve to have to deal with this challenge in our marriage, just as much as I didn’t ask to be born with a defect. I don’t think it’s hopeless, it’s just not a carefree aspect like many are blessed with.


I believe you made a huge mistake waiting for marriage. Sexual compatibility is one of most important type of compatibility required for a stable happy marriage. If you want to buy a used car do you just buy the first or random car you are offered without even test driving it? If you do then you shouldn't be surprised the car breaks down next day or doesn't even start.

You certainly have very special situation and you need to.haveva partner who knows your condition, accepts it and is willing to live with it.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

IzzyRae said:


> I can understand the different areas of love language. And agreed, I have acknowledged and take responsibility of my faults in not showing that language to him as I should have in the way he best understood. But that does not mean I do not love him or my love was not genuine. I show my love by acts of service-making sure the house is always clean, cooking meals, paying the bills, taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, grocery shopping on top of also having a full time job to help us be comfortable financially- trying to make sure he didn’t have to lift a finger outside of his secular job and never complained doing them all. I understand these may not have meant to him what they intended to be showing by me. And that is my fault for not truly understanding to the extent these efforts were nothing more than needed activities to him. But I do know I do love my husband and wish I’d been sat down with a calm serious discussion and told the actual gravity of how he was feeling when it got to a certain extent rather than festering.


I agree in that he 'should' have had the calm, serious sit-down discussion and perhaps even MC etc 

But if it's truly a fundamental mismatch in love languages and compatibility etc, it would basically be asking each other to undergo some kind of metamorphisis and transform into someone completely different. 

Speaking personally for myself, if you want to use love language vebiage, my love language is touch/sexuality. 

I could not care less one bit about someone mowing the lawn, taking out the trash etc etc. I do all those things myself as those are just part of daily living whether you are with someone else or not. If you are single and live on your own, you will be getting groceries and taking out trash and mowing the lawn anyway as those are things that simply need to be done regardless of your relationship status. 

To me what makes a special someone special and separates that relationship from all others and separates a special someone from a roommate is romance/sexuality/affection etc. I've had male roommates and we all took out trash and mowed the lawn etc. I've had platonic female roommates. We all took out the trash and changed the roll of toilet paper on the holder and did our own dishes etc etc etc etc etc. 

What separated those platonic roommates from significant others was what was taking place romantically, sexually, physically etc. 

If your H needs a significantly higher degree of innate romance/affection/sexuality, at the end of the day is it really fair of him to ask you to transform into someone else???? Is it fair to you to go against your nature and even experience physical pain and displeasure? Is it fair to him to feel like a rapist and know he is hurting you when he tries to get his basic needs met? 

Now some of the people here think he should have transformed himself to not need what you weren't able or weren't wanting to provide,,, but is that really fair either??


----------



## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

romantic_dreamer said:


> This is really sad. Are you ok with this?


Yes because he really does try to make up for it in other ways. Like cooking dinner every night and holding my hand while on car rides and just walking over and rubbing my butt while I'm washing dishes. We are learning together on how to handle the situation. He's been doing far better at approaching me for sex, and I've been doing far better at not asking for it.


----------



## DallasCowboyFan (Nov 20, 2012)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> How do you know this for a fact?


I don't know what part you are asking about being fact. I assume the part about the relationship ending. He left her. They are separated. 80% of couples who separate divorce


----------



## IzzyRae (19 d ago)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I don't know if he waited or tried everything he could and just exhausted all options.





Jimi007 said:


> Do you know who this woman is. ?
> 
> Was this an arranged marriage ?


I don’t know who the woman is, and I’ve decided knowing isn’t going to solve the situation so I’ve tried not to be obsessed with that aspect. 
We met with a set up, but it wasn’t arranged.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I believe you made a huge mistake waiting for marriage. Sexual compatibility is one of most important type of compatibility required for a stable happy marriage. If you want to buy a used car do you just buy the first or random car you are offered without even test driving it? If you do then you shouldn't be surprised the car breaks down next day or doesn't even start.
> 
> You certainly have very special situation and you need to.haveva partner who knows your condition, accepts it and is willing to live with it.


You are operating on a different belief system than many of the people who are dedicated to waiting for marriage. 

I personally had no intention of waiting till marriage and I had no desire and no intention of marrying a virgin. 

It comes down to belief and value systems. People who are very dedicated to preserving sexuality for marriage often believe that the greater good and higher calling come from showing temperance and control and then developing the sexual dynamics within the marriage rather than trying to confirm sexual compatibility as check off box that needs to be checked off before marriage is considered. 

She did not make a "mistake." She made a choice and a commitment. This is an outcome of that choice. It was a risk both of them were willing to take in accordance with their beliefs and values.


----------



## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

DallasCowboyFan said:


> I don't know what part you are asking about being fact. I assume the part about the relationship ending. He left her. They are separated. 80% of couples who separate divorce


I mean, my sister and brother in law separated for almost 2 years and now they are thriving.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

IzzyRae said:


> I waited for marriage due to how I was brought up, and I have no regrets over that choice. But that did make this medical condition unknown to me, thus unknown to my spouse as well. Unfortunate for both of us.
> And any previous masterbation was never anything internal, so that didn’t alarm me either unfortunately.
> I do think the marriage could be reconciled and saved if we both would commit to 100% effort especially with intimacy and communication beyond the sex aspect. And as for sex there are medical options we did not pursued that we could, plus we both could be a lot more carefree in that area for what we can do as, if we could let go of the frustration and resentment of the issues that have built up over the years.
> I am a logical and practical thinker. And I do believe any marriage can work if you both put in effort. And honestly I think that’s what you should do. And that hasn’t been being done especially the last few years. And I have always pictured us figuring this situation out and growing old together. I do love my husband. He’s made mistakes, but I can empathize with what he’s had to deal with and overall I do think he is a good man, one worth not giving up on. We both just were in a situation we just haven’t handled as we should. That said my husband is more of an emotional thinker, and he would say relationships should not be work, they should be easy and natural. And obviously given the fact he has someone else he’s going to, I don’t think I will have an option in this matter, so will have to move on.
> I am definitely going to be open and honest with any future relationship I may have regarding this challenge. My husband didn’t deserve to have to deal with this challenge in our marriage, just as much as I didn’t ask to be born with a defect. I don’t think it’s hopeless, it’s just not a carefree aspect like many are blessed with.


Such, a good attitude you have.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I am a woman, so maybe the fellas will have a different view.

For many people, me included, sex is a big part of romantic pair bonding and without it you might as well be friends or roommates. 

Also, for most people, the knowledge that their partner is in pain and cannot enjoy sex will take away their own ability to enjoy sex. 

That all said, you don't have to be alone. There are men who do not truly enjoy penetrative sex and would rather share oral or manual sex instead. There are also men who have low libido's. It's all about finding someone compatible with you on multiple levels, sex included.


----------



## IzzyRae (19 d ago)

oldshirt said:


> You are operating on a different belief system than many of the people who are dedicated to waiting for marriage.
> 
> I personally had no intention of waiting till marriage and I had no desire and no intention of marrying a virgin.
> 
> ...


I thank you for this comment. That was very kind of you to post. I do not believe it was a mistake. I realize it’s very rare to have followed thru with that decision due to my values, but I don’t regret that. My medical condition is not common, so uncommon it took me seeing numerous doctors before I even got some proper help. No one would ever think this is a potential for them.


----------



## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> You are operating on a different belief system than many of the people who are dedicated to waiting for marriage.
> 
> I personally had no intention of waiting till marriage and I had no desire and no intention of marrying a virgin.
> 
> ...


No, they made a mistake forgoing on ensuring they were sexually compatible and then they dealt with the consequences. If your beliefs require you to buy a used car without test driving it you cannot really complain if the car you bought breaks down next day.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

romantic_dreamer said:


> No, they made a mistake forgoing on ensuring they were sexually compatible and then they dealt with the consequences. If your beliefs require you to buy a used car without test driving it you cannot really complain if the car you bought breaks down next day.


Where your analogy doesn't quite fit is they were each buying brand new cars and had faith in the designer and manufacturer. (Although I didn't see if she said whether he was virginal or not. I assume since he was willing to go to the alter without having sex at all, he was probably not a man of the world himself) They weren't buying used. 

But again, it's a different belief system and world view. 

Some thoroughly test drive a car and put it through a bunch of paces to determine if it has the handling and performance that they want before buying it under the assumption that since it test drove OK that it will always maintain it's same level of performance and not give them any problems in the future. 

Others read the spec sheets, maybe kick the tires and look under the hood and sit inside it taking in that brand new car smell and dream of the possibilities, then buy it based on it's specifications and having faith in the designer and manufacturer that it is in good working order. They commit to buying the car and determine within themselves that they will make the car work for them and either modify the car to their liking or will adapt to the car's idiosyncrasies.

I don't know if either is more right or more wrong in it's general philosophy. 

But my point here is she made a conscious choice based on her own values and principles. Now 10 years later things are going south, but would a test drive have made any difference 10 years later? Maybe but maybe not. 

If I was the guy, yes it would have the difference for me because sexual compatibility was one of my primary purchase points so if on an early date I detected some kind of sexual dysfunction, I would have been on to the next car. 

But that obviously was NOT one of her husband's purchase points. He not only married a virgin, but he remained with her 10 years and per her account, he was the one that appeared to be relatively OK living without PIV and it was he who was advocating other forms of physical affection and other forms of sexual expression. 

And in the end when was becoming involved with someone else and dissolving the marriage, it was the lack of those other activities and other areas of affection and closeness etc that he cited for the breakdown. 

So when you add that all up together, I'm not sure a test drive would have made any difference or changed anything. 
She could have fck'd him every way including sideways before the marriage, but they could still be at this same point now 10 years later. 

But instead they each followed their beliefs and values, they worked the marriage they had and were together 10 years . 

It's sad they are splitting up now and it's sad that they didn't grow old together as she was hoping. 

But I don't think they made a mistake. I think they made a choice based on what they wanted and what worked for them at the time.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

...... And also, I would not say that she is complaining at all. I think she is sad and lamenting over her marriage not working out as she had hoped. 

But I don't see her as complaining or whining or pointing any fingers at all. 

In fact she strikes me as quite mindful, contemplative and strong.


----------



## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

I had 6 months of trying to have sex with my ex when we first started dating so I have a little bit of experience from the other side (sort of). At least for us, once we'd "completed" having sex the first time, the discomfort seemed to be less and after a few times it wasn't an issue any longer. She obviously didn't have the problems you did. After the first child there were times when she experienced some discomfort as well (internal scarring) and we'd generally stop what we were doing and we'd switch to some kind of mutual stimulation. The workaround worked at least for the time it bothered here and intermittently.

I'm 100% sure if my GF developed an issue where penetration was uncomfortable that we'd barely break stride. The friction would be gotten elsewhere (experimentation would find the best spots) and she'd still get hers as she always had (IE not by penetration).

I'm sorry that you had such a bad experience and still have issues. Good luck going forward.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I believe you made a huge mistake waiting for marriage. Sexual compatibility is one of most important type of compatibility required for a stable happy marriage. If you want to buy a used car do you just buy the first or random car you are offered without even test driving it? If you do then you shouldn't be surprised the car breaks down next day or doesn't even start.
> 
> You certainly have very special situation and you need to.haveva partner who knows your condition, accepts it and is willing to live with it.


Yet so many who have loads of sex before marriage end up with serious sexual issues. It's no guarantee at all having sex before marriage. We see that here all the time.


----------



## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Yet so many who have loads of sex before marriage end up with serious sexual issues. It's no guarantee at all having sex before marriage. We see that here all the time.


No, there is no guarantee that sex in marriage will stay good throughout the marriage. But it is more likely to be good if it was good before marriage and it is way less likely to be good if it was bad before marriage. That's why makes total sense to see if partners are sexually compatible before getting married. BTW it is not only about sex. It makes sense to live together to see if you are compatible in other areas too.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

IzzyRae said:


> My spouse left me a month ago for someone else, but claims our sex life had nothing to do with his decision, but I have a hard time believing this. I do have a unique sex life situation and have never shied away from the importance of sex in a marriage, *but wonder if this is just too much for anyone to deal with in a marriage.*
> 
> ...... He though still felt bad and eventually didn’t want to have actual sex, and *said “let’s just have fun and be close other ways(which we did regularly by means of oral and manually sexual activity, showers together, and other options were thrown in occasionally)* because I don’t enjoy feeling like I’m hurting you when we have sex.” I understand his point of view and part of me has just accepted this as the “hand I’ve been dealt”, and unfortunately he’s now been dealt. I also allowed myself to think his love of me was enough to survive this situation. But now since he’s left me, if I’m honest I have to believe someone really can only be understanding for so long, even though he knows I’m not doing anything purposefully. And even for my future, *I don’t know if this is a situation I should make anyone else have to deal with.*


I only read the first page. I really didn't see a question. Journaling is therapeutic, so please post.

The two statements I see that are closest to questions are: (1) *wonder if this is just too much for anyone to deal with in a marriage and (2) if this is a situation I should make anyone else have to deal with.*

If that is what you are asking about, I would say that the answer to both is no, there may be people out there that could be happy in a relationship with you. They are few and far apart and very special people, but they exist. They will have an attitude much like your husband suggested, which is not to focus on Penis in Vagina (PIV) Sex, but who enjoy Sensual touch and a broad spectrum of sexual activities. You may also need to redefine you definition and expectations about sex from PIV to other forms of sexual pleasuring.

Having a partner, your first sex partner and husband leave you is a horrible thing and you will be in grief for quite a while. Some counseling may help you move past the loss of your husband from your life. 

Oh and cheating is never really excusable. It can be forgivable, but not excusable.

Good luck.

P.S. Some of the most memorable and erotic sex I have ever had was not PIV. A man's biggest sex organ is not between his legs, it is between his ears. Really good sex can involve F-ing a mans brains out.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

SunCMars said:


> I am going to ask the obvious.
> 
> Sometimes my sense of humor sounds crass, even rude.
> 
> ...


If she has only had one sex partner, she probably can't judge his "size" from a lack of comparisons. 

I also doubt that her cheating ex would likely furnish her with reliable length and girth dimensions. Even if he did what would her internet dating profile look like? "No one over 4.6 inches in length or 1.0 inch in circumference need apply?" 

I have no knowledge of her medical condition but doctors can prescribe vaginal dialators of various sizes to gradually stretch the vaginal canal. I assume she has tried or discussed this with her doctors.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

What's the problem, here? We have two people with incompatible love languages.
@IzzyRae has the love language of Faithful, loyal spouse.
Husband has the love language of Cheating rotter.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

@IzzyRae I’m really sorry you’re having to deal with this problem. Since there are additional medical procedures that might help with your problem, why aren’t you aggressively pursuing them? Your house is on fire, and you need to get a fire extinguisher and use it. Sex is critically important to men and even to a few women. Time is not on your side. (If anything I said here is insensitive, it was not meant to be.)


----------



## IzzyRae (19 d ago)

oldshirt said:


> ...... And also, I would not say that she is complaining at all. I think she is sad and lamenting over her marriage not working out as she had hoped.
> 
> But I don't see her as complaining or whining or pointing any fingers at all.
> 
> In fact she strikes me as quite mindful, contemplative and strong.





MattMatt said:


> What's the problem, here? We have two people with incompatible love languages.
> @IzzyRae has the love language of Faithful, loyal spouse.
> Husband has the love language of Cheating rotter.





MattMatt said:


> What's the problem, here? We have two people with incompatible love languages.
> @IzzyRae has the love language of Faithful, loyal spouse.
> Husband has the love language of Cheating rotter.





MattMatt said:


> What's the problem, here? We have two people with incompatible love languages.
> @IzzyRae has the love language of Faithful, loyal spouse.
> Husband has the love language of Cheating rotter.





Sfort said:


> @IzzyRae I’m really sorry you’re having to deal with this problem. Since there are additional medical procedures that might help with your problem, why aren’t you aggressively pursuing them? Your house is on fire, and you need to get a fire extinguisher and use it. Sex is critically important to men and even to a few women. Time is not on your side. (If anything I said here is insensitive, it was not meant to be.)


We definitely should have continued to pursue those once we realized the initial procedures didn’t fix the situation to an extent that was acceptable even if my spouse said we would deal with it as it was. I have currently resumed my physical pelvic therapy as I can afford those appointments right now because that’s just something I should have kept up on. I do start a new job next week where insurance will finally be back on the table to pursue additional medical procedures as well.


----------



## Griswold (2 mo ago)

Izzy - please please don't take what I'm about to write as being flippant or disrespectful. Your situation saddens me. You seem to be earnestly trying to solve this. If your situation is accurately described, you may in fact have some pain issues going forward which impacts future lovers. But there are plenty of men who would work through this with you. My wife and I have a lot of PIV sex. But I have always, always enjoyed oral more. My past lover count is low but regardless...it was always oral. With everyone  And those are skills you can improve and improve and improve. Also, (and again not being flippant), anal sex is fantastically fun - for BOTH of us. It was part of our routine for many years. It's wonderful. It's very intimate. With some training and lube it becomes a snap. Speaking of lube, my wife's gyn recommended UBER lube. She / we love it. My wife has also had some occasional pain issues (not to your level). But we have had to work on that. Nowadays I'm conscious of how much time I'm "in the mine" for this reason. Again, I had no intent to offend your (or anyone's) sensibilities. Just hoping to show that you and your man (whoever that turns out to be) can have a fun, meaningful, intimate sex life - just as you are.


----------



## IzzyRae (19 d ago)

Griswold said:


> Izzy - please please don't take what I'm about to write as being flippant or disrespectful. Your situation saddens me. You seem to be earnestly trying to solve this. If your situation is accurately described, you may in fact have some pain issues going forward which impacts future lovers. But there are plenty of men who would work through this with you. My wife and I have a lot of PIV sex. But I have always, always enjoyed oral more. My past lover count is low but regardless...it was always oral. With everyone  And those are skills you can improve and improve and improve. Also, (and again not being flippant), anal sex is fantastically fun - for BOTH of us. It was part of our routine for many years. It's wonderful. It's very intimate. With some training and lube it becomes a snap. Speaking of lube, my wife's gyn recommended UBER lube. She / we love it. My wife has also had some occasional pain issues (not to your level). But we have had to work on that. Nowadays I'm conscious of how much time I'm "in the mine" for this reason. Again, I had no intent to offend your (or anyone's) sensibilities. Just hoping to show that you and your man (whoever that turns out to be) can have a fun, meaningful, intimate sex life - just as you are.


Thank you for this insight. It’s greatly appreciated for your point of view and suggestions. I certainly have been questioning if this issue is fair to make anyone else deal with. However being upfront will be a must on end for sure. I know I am not a person who will be content being on my own forever, but with this pre-knowledge I have going into anything new(if they ends up how it is), I can have some game plan this time.


----------



## mainesqueeze (Nov 22, 2013)

IzzyRae said:


> Thank you for this insight. It’s greatly appreciated for your point of view and suggestions. I certainly have been questioning if this issue is fair to make anyone else deal with. However being upfront will be a must on end for sure. I know I am not a person who will be content being on my own forever, but with this pre-knowledge I have going into anything new(if they ends up how it is), I can have some game plan this time.


I know this is all so fresh and raw right now, but I hope you can change your thinking on how you characterize your situation. Sexuality is such a spectrum, and I have no doubt there are multiple people out there who would be more compatible for you than your husband. Remember you are a prize, and you are worthy of love and companionship however that suits your needs. Someone else would feel absolutely lucky to be with you and not feel like your condition is a burden at all. Don’t spend too much time trying to dissect why this relationship didn’t work out. Accept things as they are and keep moving forward.


----------



## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

if i were you izzy i would do everything i could to focus on yourself now. he made is choice by getting into an EA with another woman and not honoring his vows of for better or worse . i feel bad your going through this but i can promise you there a lot of men that would love the chance to be with you regardless of your condition. there are still a lot of men out there that want a companion first ..


----------

