# Wife wants a divorce need help I still lover her



## mazapantera (Jan 9, 2013)

I love my W so much and care for her. She drop the bomb on me 35 days ago. I dont know what to do. I been going to counseling for help on how to get her back. she told me that i made her choose me or her kids and i never did that. She said we fought all the time but we just had small arguments. But sometimes I would snap at my dauther she is 15 now, the reason why i got mad at her is becasue she was eatting sugar when she was borderline diabetic. I just wanted for her to be well. I never let her drink soda or anything with sugar i would try to go runing with her but she was to lazy. So i would tell my wife to talk to her and she never did so over the months i would snap at her and same story over and over. I was at a point that i was mad all the time. Her mother is very ill and always took advantage of my W they try to take our home away with lawyers they never like me, they would talk from behind my back I dint like this and so on. We go to school full time and she has a job I was getting money from finacial aid we where always ok with money once school started. But las semester she stared to act wierd once our son left to the military, we both where hurt very much we werent there for each other. once he graduated from boot camp she ask if i wanted to go to chicago with her i said no i was still sad mad angry because our son dint want to attent the university. but I was thinking to myself once xmas comes i would see him againd i dint pay much attention to going to chicago. So my W took our daughter to chicago to see him and she was very hurt i dint go but she never really express how she felt about the trip so i thought it was ok. But now the semester was ending she just drop the bomd and does not want to give me a second chance she told me she wants a D and there is nothing i can say or do to change her mind. If i knew it was going to hurt her so much i would of gone with her. I believe she is going to midlife crisis she wants to quit her job that she loves, she wants to to get rid of everything , she got rid of our dogs she wants to sell our home and wants to move to Ohio with her bestfriend from high school. She just wants to get out of this city she wants to leave her sick parents behind i really dont know what to do. She says that she has not done much in life. That all her life she put others firts instead of her self. She has been giving furniture away what can i do to help her. I told her she can have my financial aid and that ill be ok she said no. From day to another she turn into a person i dont know, she also mention she does not like the person she has become all her friend co workers say she has change . Please help what do i do i love her very much she is my everything ill do anything to be with her before this she was the nices person in all the world she would help people all the time she was the best in the west but now she just wants nothing with me. Im sorry for my grammer I cant think straight so it gets in the way with my grammer im just sad and unfocused. Thank you


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## TNman (Dec 24, 2012)

We can all find fault within ourselves that enabled the other spouse to leave-none of us are perfect and we all are selfish to varying degrees. When the other decides to leave and break the relationship we can't 'make' them stay. The best thing that we can do is focus on ourself and make positive changes to improve ourselves. If the leaving spouse is around to notice they may decide to give it another try or they may not. And after a period of positive self change we may not want the quitter back. I am beginning to see the light in my situation. Good luck


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## mazapantera (Jan 9, 2013)

So how did you handle things, what you try to get your spouse back?
I dont want to give up i love her so much. I try to give her space i dont bother her that much no text no calls may 6 calls in 35 days I always text her to call and she does. She stop saying i love you on november 15 for no reason. I remember that day well. Right now doing the couch thing with friends. I just love her so much. What I didwrong trying to changed it. I know i made mistakes by telling her i change, and telling her i love you while being separed. Thats what counsoler said to do tell her my feelings I ask for for her to go but no dice.in my heart still believe she will come around if i give her space she is not the type that likes to be alone. I donk think she is seing some one else.


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## TNman (Dec 24, 2012)

Well I didn't give up either but my wife gave up on me before I even knew. I thought I could fix things but I cannot by myself. Do the '180' and fix yourself-that is your only chance but not a guarantee of any kind that she will want to try again. Sorry you are going through this crap. The waters are generally muddied by an OM and/or cheerleaders on the sidelines.


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## mazapantera (Jan 9, 2013)

Yeah m goung to fix my slf and date woman no need to wait for her why use my energy on her. She show me today that she does not love me no more i need legal advise. She thread me today. So i was down all day but than you for reply keep on posting


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## mazapantera (Jan 9, 2013)

I feel really bad I don't feel like I have hope. I miss her so much but we have sign for divorce and it has not been more that 40 days when she told me she wanted me to sign I got separated December 7 and I sign Jan 17 2013. she dint want me to give me a second chance. she just say she loves me but not in love with me. I think she is going threw midlife crisis. she has change so much but I still lover her been missing her so much. I wish she would change her mind and come back to me I have suffer so much with out her. Im going to counseling but it helps very little. I stared school on Jan 22 hope fully I can feel better. I cry everyday i feel really depresed I cant smile I dont know why but I try so hard to smile but I cant. can someone tell me what to do?


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## TNman (Dec 24, 2012)

So sorry for you maza as I know exactly how you are feeling. You have to try to realize that you WANT her but really don't NEED her. It is not the end of your life but the beginning of a new one. She may come back or may not. Hope is your emotional enemy as it keeps getting dashed on the rocks of despair. You need to recognize that you don't NEED her. When you do that you will get stronger and feel much better-but we can't do that overnight or with the snap of a finger. If we could none of us would be here with our stories of infidelity, rejection, and despair. Hang in there and concentrate on school- better days and women are on the way.


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## paul72 (Jan 22, 2013)

Well I feel for ya... I just went thru it.... but based on what your saying... ya cant do anything.... all you can do is to not hurt yourself, and just be nice during this whole thing.... the only thing that could possibly "win" her back is if she sees something different in you.... but even if she does she'll just think in her head that your change is temporary.... 

Basically all you can to is to let her be "free" ..... leave the door open and in time you might find she wants to come back.....

But well... based on what you wrote... nothing you can do.. she doesn't want to try, shes moving all her stuff, its done....

Its sad that people feel like to be free they have to **** on a marriage... but it happens


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## mazapantera (Jan 9, 2013)

Well today is the first time i have free time from schoo,l sleeping in my bro's couch ,talk to my friends about my situation. I feel that I'm getting on there nerves because IM depress they just keep telling that its going to be good and ok. I feel that i cant accept divorce , all the papers are not complete yet. I still believe there can be hope for me but yet again hope is my enemy.Still cant enjoy things that i just love doing, they bother me i dont know why.

but last time I saw the W she look so stress out she was not rational. Can she be happy to divorce me I don't think she is happy after all this, why would she want a divorce? I every time we talk she keeps getting worse and worse in her attitude towards me like i did something really bad to her. I ask her if she was seeing someone else but she said no. but i believe she was talking to another guy on facebook she tells me they are friends from high school. Im in school right now as a mention before there is so many girls out there but IM 32 and they are young i feel so weird talking to them I hardly see anyone my age what should i do. if my daugther was talking to someone that was 32 I would freack, I guess even seniors are to young for me. so I feel sad that i cant get no one and the person i love does not want me what should I do? and thank you TNMAN and paul 72 if we live close to each other I would say lets get a beer.


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## TNman (Dec 24, 2012)

Hey Maza, sorry you are still hurting badly. FB is a common thread in a lot of these failed marriages. The grass always looks greener in the happy fb posts allowing the leaving spouse to enter a fantasy world where everything will be so much better. FB played a role in my situation as well. I found a website in addition to TAM that helped me a lot. My WAW is a narcissist also and I stumbled across Melanie Tonia Evans extensive website on narcissism. There are 3 free videos that help explain how we create and feel emotional pain within ourselves. Seems a little flaky but keep an open mind and watch them-they really helped me a lot. Plus she has a couple of free e books that should be very helpful too. Just continue the 180, concentrate on yourself, and watch and listen to those videos. Hang in there.


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## paul72 (Jan 22, 2013)

Evening Maz.... I completely get where your coming from.... I did 2 big things to start the process of setting myself free.......

1 : I'm somewhat religious....( Catholic ) I aked St Rita for help.... if you don't know who she is google her...... and I finally got up the courage to ask god for the strength to forgive here and let her be free of me...... which was very hard to do.... my "loving" wife had nothing but affairs since the day we where married.... but nonetheless it helped

2 : My wife is I believe a full on narcissists.... I never called her on her BS and one day I basically laid out some ****.... nothing horrible.... but it doesn't take much to set a narc off....... I got a one word email from her saying **** YOU ... I'll never talk to you again... and this was over a fairly inoquious email ... any way... you know what.... having her write to me F YOU was the best thing that happened.... I knew the door was closed, and it validated what I knew all along.... she lives in the fantasy world of the narcissist

Like you I believed in "marriage" and I still do..I hate the thought of being a divorcee..... now in my case, I have a wicked horrid unbelievable story to tell so it makes me feel a little better ... But like you I thought once I put on that ring I was done... but the one thing you'll realize over time.... you cant control them, you cant guilt them, nadda..... once a woman is done they are usually done... oh sure sometimes they'll come back.... but to be honest if she had an inkling about not being "done" she would have left the door WIDE OPEN ..... All you can do right now is to STAY ALIVE ... breath.... watch TV shows that have nothing with a woman in them..... Watch the history channel and pawn stars  anything that doesnt remind you of the life you dont have... for me I kind of stayed away from "happy" couples.... just made me feel like ****

I slept a lot .... ate very little, smoked liked a chimney.... I cleaned out all her little reminders around the house... al of that

And trust me, I know its hard.... you want to leave this around , that around... because, well maybe she'll come back.... you don't want to let go... I get it..... but she let go..... what can you do.... its like if someone is falling off a cliff, your holding them for dear life...... you cant stop them from letting go of you.... you can try to grab them... but lets be real... sometimes they just dont want to be caught...... and eventually you'll realize your just grabbing at thin air

Ok, now this is taboo here ... but I also wrote a "goodbye" journal ... not to my wife but to all those in my life...... and it helped me realize that I did have other things in my life

Now some benifits from my "ordeal"

I lost 20 pounds - I look a lot better... had to buy new clothes cuz even my old stuff just wouldnt fit anymore

I found out whats real and what isnt

I found out that yes THERE ARE OTHER FISH out there....

Now, will I be sucked down and demoralized for a good long while ... sure...... but today is finally better than yesterday.... you just have to hold on, push yourself forward as much as you can.......

And someday you will smile again, someday you'll hold a new loves hand.... is it wrong... **** it sure seems wrong... you wanted to love this woman forever..... but, well.... life sucks sometimes.... and it can suck worse than you ever thought..... but it will get better.... I'm only 2 months out from my wife disappearing ... and I'm already starting to live again


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

I'll trump that. Im 2 weeks, and over her. Dont get me wrong, i'll never totally forget what happened, but all thoughts of getting her back have completely vanished. I set myself a target of february to completely get back to normal.

To the OP, try to think of it as this ... Your wife has changed completely, therefor is no longer the person you fell in love with. All the good things you miss about her, wouldnt ever happen again anyway. The person you love is literally gone, vanished. The sooner you pick yourself up, the better. 

I know it seems taboo, to us guys who believe in the vows we made. But there are a million other women out there, who are just as suited to you. 

Hang in there bro, and listen to some of the excellent advice on this website.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mazapantera (Jan 9, 2013)

I am trying to listen but is just hard to figure things out I think im going crazy cuz I don't think i can understand divorce it has not register in my head. All i know in my head that she is going to wake up and miss me and call me. I cant even talk to other woman because it feels like I'm cheating. I have lost so much weight ,I was 203 and now 179 lbs food does not taste good I just force my self to eat. I know I should realize this that is over but my heart does not believe this.school stared and today it took me 4 hours to do 10 questions I don't know why it took me so long. the good news is not do till feb 2 lol. I dint smoke while i was married that was 7 years but now I'm smoking so much, but im just going to leave her alone so far I have i dint try to text or email or call or drunk call. I been away from those things and thing just got worse she acts like i did something very bad to her when in reality I was taking care of her kids watching over there health. I dint cheat, dint hit. but i dont know what to do I'm trying to focus on school but thank you all for your post it makes me feel better I have people giving tips and advice ,I do appreciated it. I hope from what I post I am able to help others .


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## paul72 (Jan 22, 2013)

mazapantera said:


> I am trying to listen but is just hard to figure things out I think im going crazy cuz I don't think i can understand divorce it has not register in my head. All i know in my head that she is going to wake up and miss me and call me. I cant even talk to other woman because it feels like I'm cheating. I have lost so much weight ,I was 203 and now 179 lbs food does not taste good I just force my self to eat. I know I should realize this that is over but my heart does not believe this.school stared and today it took me 4 hours to do 10 questions I don't know why it took me so long. the good news is not do till feb 2 lol. I dint smoke while i was married that was 7 years but now I'm smoking so much, but im just going to leave her alone so far I have i dint try to text or email or call or drunk call. I been away from those things and thing just got worse she acts like i did something very bad to her when in reality I was taking care of her kids watching over there health. I dint cheat, dint hit. but i dont know what to do I'm trying to focus on school but thank you all for your post it makes me feel better I have people giving tips and advice ,I do appreciated it. I hope from what I post I am able to help others .


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## paul72 (Jan 22, 2013)

ok....here's the deal IT MAKES NO SENSE.....it won't now and won't for a while....also....like on work....i was about ten percent...... normal.....the trick is to do as much as possible.....so u don't f up your life outside the marriage.....on other women....its normal not to feel attracted.....It means your. ....basically your ex knew it was over long before you......also you can be perfect.....doesn't matter.....your not perfect for each other any more


the thing to take from all of this....is it will get better..... however in reality you will be scared for a long time......also your not alone....70% of all divorce id initiated by women.....and a lot of that is not because the guy was bad.....but because the woman had a grass is greener dream.....

It Sucks.....but you will survive....day by day....get out...change some routines...etcetc.....do anything to keep ur mind off it......and basically. ...it will just hit uoull that your going to be ok
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## paul72 (Jan 22, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mazapantera (Jan 9, 2013)

Today I try to be happy but xw call me and wanted to give me somethings but she has no remorse. I dint ask to return or second chance Im doing the 180 I dont call or try to comunicated with her everytime we talk it hurts and i start to smoke like crazzy. I ask how she was doing, she tells me she is financial f $$(up. I offer some money she stayed silent for a momment and said no. She ask if i got a job yet.... I told her im going to get a job aschool tnat they deposit money in my account but i ave to work for tat mo ey like financial aid work study. She said goodbut that was the only positive tjing she said. I miss her so much


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## TNman (Dec 24, 2012)

Maza Maza you are having trouble with detaching-believe me no one knows any better than I how difficult it is to not reach out and look for signs of hope with every contact. You shouldn't have asked how she was doing nor offered to give her money. Being continually rejected every time you reach out just increases and prolongs YOUR pain and suffering. Plus it pushes her farther away as you come across as needy and clinging. She is probably not coming back-you can't be devastated the rest of your life. Thus the 180 is for your survival and healing not to win her back. But the unlikely chance of her coming back is increased by a good 180 and self improvement. Good luck man and hang in there-I am praying for your pain to ease.


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## mazapantera (Jan 9, 2013)

thank you for your support Im tring to see that we are not going to get back , she left me and she was ready for this a long time ago unlike me it just hit me with this bomb. but Ill tell myself I would be ok and just think of positive things think of my family and friends but thanks for your reply's it does make me feel good. but if you want to vent please do, I would like to learn on the other side of the conversation.


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## mazapantera (Jan 9, 2013)

Today is been a while since i talk to her still feel sad. But yesterday my son came by to see me before he gets deploy to cuba even he says she is acting so different.butni know now there is no hope she would come back. Even if she did im scared of her my feelings for her have change to feel hurt. Is this normal?


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Where are the Grammer police and the Spelling squad when you need them. First, what type (NO PUN) of schooling are you attending?What state? Second, it sounds like your wife checked out of the marriage a while ago. Third, Your wife feels like she is wasting the last twenty years of her life with you and she doesn't want to anymore. Give somemore information on what is going on in your life. David


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## 82Baby (Jan 18, 2013)

@Mazapantera, just move on with your life. Try to better yourself for you and your kids. Keep busy and pray for strength.


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## mazapantera (Jan 9, 2013)

Im trying to move on but its just hard when you love some one. I been going Counseling. I did something funny the other day so dont laught at me. I posted on a website on for meeting woman. This really beatifull woman send me a email but she separed, what should i do?


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## 82Baby (Jan 18, 2013)

Do you feel ready enough to start dating again? If so, it shouldn't be with a married woman.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

mazapantera said:


> Im trying to move on but its just hard when you love some one. I been going Counseling. I did something funny the other day so dont laught at me. I posted on a website on for meeting woman. This really beatifull woman send me a email but she separed, what should i do?


Dude...are you for real?


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## mazapantera (Jan 9, 2013)

did i do something weird?
yeah you are right I should not start a relationship with a married woman, she just told me she was separated and getting divorce.
I just want someone to talk to. that's the reason why I did it.


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## 82Baby (Jan 18, 2013)

@Maza, First you need to heal fully before moving on. I know its hard because I'm in the same situation. Take care of yourself, focus on yourself, and keep busy. Before, you start dating or speaking to other woman, you would want to be strong and confident, you want to be free of pain, free of hurt and free from your wife. I'm not sure if you are religious, but start praying and get closer to God. It helped me in my situation. Surround yourself with positive people or look for support groups. My husband left me almost a months ago. We had no communication between us since at his request. He even filed for divorce on the 23rd of January. It hurts, but I had to let go and let God be in control of my marriage. However, just the other day he called a mutual friend of our to ask about me and he text me on yesterday. Trust me prayer works!!!


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## mazapantera (Jan 9, 2013)

My ex wont even call me. I miss her today, i know I should not think of her. Just let her go, i know she wont be back to me. So i need to erase her from my head. i still wearmmy ring in my middle finger but i cant take it off but I been thinking of destroying it, with out it it feels wierd and strange.so today i been sad and in the last 3 days I havent talk much. I been very silent because i dont have any friends. Maybe a couple but they are busy with life. 
I dont hav much of a life right now just going to shool. So what to do tomorrow, if i have nohing to do because Im ahead of school work for two weeks, i have all good grades.


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## mazapantera (Jan 9, 2013)

Well today Im not doing so good, im sad and lonely, wish she would come back, I miss her so much. Any advice some one can give me.
We are going to be divorce soon. But she wont call me or text me yesterday i txt her, I ask how are you doing she responded Im doing good, i told her i been thinking about you. She reply are you ok?
So i dont know what to do keep texting or leave it and try not to contact her. Im so sad and been missing her. Any replys would be great thank you.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

She gave you the classic "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech. On this site, that most often means there's another man on the scene. Did you ever investigate that? It may help explain things to yourself to know if there was. Otherwise you are going to beat yourself up thinking it's because you snapped at your wife over your daughter's diabetes and stuff like that.


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## mazapantera (Jan 9, 2013)

I dont think there was another guy, but i sorta expected , she would talk to this guy from facebook, she said they were friends so i belive her, but now when we had contact i would notice that same name on her phone n ask her who are you talking tonshe would say a random name. Why would some guy ruin my mariage. But im not sure is she was cheatting with another guy. But she just when crazzy with everything i want to help her, but she says she is happier with out me. Me on the other I am so sad, my whole life change from everything, I have been going to counseling, my counseler told me I am getting better from day one. I been reading books on how to be normal with out pain. I have to understand that it was not my fault, need to forgive,dont get angry ect. Thats what the readings say to do.

I'm so lost, I dont want to drink but i haven drinking every thursday or friday,I dont want that. Just want her back, or want to find some one new that would like me,love me like she did.

Thank you for your replay, dont stop with the replay I enjoy it gives time to vent.


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## mich (Feb 27, 2013)

I'm going through the same thing,no sleep,weight loss,sad,the way I see it one day after another,week after week,month after month of living like this Ill get tired.Then comes that one day when I have forgiven Her and forgiven myself and have to say to myself that no one person is important enough to ruin my intire world around me.I'm going to try to find myself and when I'm not looking some woman will apear and I will be happy again!


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## mazapantera (Jan 9, 2013)

I hope you get strong soon, I wish no one to have this pain. Just be strong dont let your guard down, keep going foward. Im trying tonforgive her for making me cause this pain, but sometimes I loose it. March the second was my birthday and we havent text or talk in more than a month and she text me to tell me happy birthday, this got me upset, the whole day i was sad. Why would she text me and say happy birthday, does she still care. 
Im so confuse, I know she told me she does not want to be married but the question i ask my self is why did she do it, why the text on my birthday. So if anyone want to vent, do it here Ill be very happy to reply to you. If you want to message thats ok also. I want to get better from this, and in the way if i can help someone get better, that would be great.


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## rsersen (Jan 30, 2013)

> she would talk to this guy from facebook, she said they were friends so i belive her, but now when we had contact i would notice that same name on her phone n ask her who are you talking tonshe would say a random name.


That's called an emotional affair. It's cheating. She may have slept with the guy, she may not have. But she allowed another man into her life - a man who it seems you have never met, and know nothing about. It's poison to a marriage - because the more attached she grew to this guy, the less attached she became to you. She sees only good in him, and only bad in you. Until she eventually decided that you weren't worth staying with.



> Why would some guy ruin my mariage.


Because he doesn't care about your marriage. He's looking for easy prey. And married women with poor boundaries are some of the easiest targets, especially those who are already growing bored or unhappy with their husbands.


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