# Husband has changed after marriage



## peach12 (May 29, 2017)

Apologizes in advance for the long post, but I really need advice.

My husband and I have been married for five months. We dated for 2.5 years long distance. I moved to his city post-marriage.

During the time we dated, he was always very sweet and loving, even during the times we met up in person and hung out. He is known to be a jovial, funny guy but he was very considerate to me while we were dating. 

After we got married he changed. He is always trying to push my buttons, and is always sarcastic with me. He always disagrees with whatever I tell him, but once he realizes I am starting to get annoyed he finally agrees with me.

For example, I will be in the middle of doing the dishes and I ask him if he can take out the trash. He says no. I ask him again, he says no again. Finally I finish doing the dishes and move to take out the trash and he immediately leaves whatever he is doing and takes it out himself.

Just this morning, I asked him if he can make breakfast. I make breakfast almost all the days. He does, sometimes, (after I ask him a few times). He says no and starts playing his video game. I asked him again if he is going to make something, he just ignored me. I then go into the kitchen and start to prepare breakfast and he comes running into the kitchen and tells me he will do it.

This happens all the time. Even if I say 'oh look at that dog, it is so cute', he goes like 'no, its ugly' ; even if its the cutest. And its like this for every opinion I have about anything. If I ask him about how I look after I dress up, he will say something like 'you are wearing too much/little makeup' , 'you look fat/funny in the outfit'. And when I start to object, he will laugh and say 'relax, you look fine'. But it makes me second guess myself.

I am starting to feel really fed up. He is always acting goofy, always playfully hitting me, making fun of me. I have told him time and again, that I get very irritated when he behaves like this. I am a very patient person, and it takes a lot to get on my nerves, but he seems to be getting on my nerves every single day. He stopped being romantic after the wedding, he never does anything to surprise me and make me feel happy. He is always quick to criticize anything I do or say, and rarely compliments me. I am currently looking for a job, and I cook, clean the house and keep it tidy, do the laundry and make sure the house is running well. Even then he will say 'oh the food is not tasty today, or the house is so messy' even though the food is good or the house is extremely clean and tidy with nothing out of place. When I ask him to point out why he said that, he laughs and says he is just kidding.

He wasn’t like this at all before our marriage. I have spoken to him multiple times about this. He tries to be a bit more considerate but after a few days he is back to normal.

He has a great family, who I am close to. He also has a really nice group of friends that we always hang out, and they are really nice and we get along well. I even hang out with him and his colleagues after his work, and I find them all really nice people. He has a good job, and is well liked by everyone. Everyone who knows him really likes him and says he is a great guy. I thought so too, when we were dating. I don't know why he started behaving like this the minute we got married. I am a very patient and quiet person, and I get along well with everyone and always have been surrounded by amazing family and friends, which I am very grateful for. It takes a lot to annoy me but he has been continuously getting on my nerves and I don't know what to do.

I am beginning to resent him and I don't want to. Any advice would be appreciated.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

How old are both of you?
He sounds like he doesn't want to deal with the boring/menial tasks of the day and wants to get a rise out of you.
He sounds childish and you sound more mature. It could be that?


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## peach12 (May 29, 2017)

I am 29 and he is 32.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

You really didn't know this guy. You dated long distance and the real first time you were together was post marriage. This is who he is but you didn't see it due to long distance. It is easy to act a certain way for a short period of time, you are just now discovering the real him.

I would advise you admit you made a mistake here divorce and move back.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He sounds more like 12. This is most likely because of how he grew up. He is being passive aggressive with you.

The first thing I would do is tell him you're not going to stay if he doesn't stop doing this. You're not going to stay if he expects you to be his maid. That you want to be married to him, but this is NOT what you signed up for, so he has a chance here - stop the games and treat you with respect, or get ready to live alone again.

Was he living at home when you married?


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## peach12 (May 29, 2017)

No he wasn't living at home. He moved out after high school, and has been living in dorms first and later with friends while he did his Bachelors, Masters and while working. A few months before we got married, he got his own apartment as he knew I will be joining him soon.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you able to sit down with him and discuss this? Or does he ignore you, or berate you, or just walk away? What happens when you tell him how you're feeling about this?


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## peach12 (May 29, 2017)

Yes, I have sat him down and discussed this with him. He listens to everything, apologizes and promises me he will be more mindful of his words and actions. He told me its just taking him some time to adjust living with somebody as he has never lived with any of his previous girlfriends and I understand that as I have also had relationships previously but not lived with any of my exs. I do know that his previous relationship ended badly, with the girl cheating on him. I know he was badly hurt, so maybe he is afraid of letting me get too close. But we are married, we need to be close to each other isn't it? He does become nicer for the next few days after our discussion and then its back to his normal behavior. I just don't know how to proceed.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok then, what I think you need is a code word. You tell him that when he is upsetting you, you are going to use that one word, the code word, and you are going to walk away from whatever the situation is. He's welcome to come talk to you about it, or he's welcome to actually DO the thing he said he would, but you will have nothing more to do with the issue. That way, you don't stay 'engaged' in the battle, so to speak. 

You don't want him to see all interactions with you as being painful or as you berating him. But neither do you want to start stifling your own feelings, because he'll then just start taking advantage of you without even realizing it, and you'll become more and more unhappy, like you are now.

If he starts hearing that codeword 5, 20, 30 times a week, it's going to be hard for him to ignore how off-kilter your marriage really is. And down the road, after a few months, perhaps, you can sit down again and say 'have you realized how many times you're doing the thing you do? do you think I should stay here if nothing is changing?' And then have an honest, helpful, non-judging talk about it.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I had the same passive aggressive attitude from my ex when I would legitimately ask for help. Nothing would get done for months if I didn't take it on myself. It makes the relationship feel one sided, not a partnership. 

He can promise change, but it isn't going to come from him. It has to come from you.

He does sound very immature for his age.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

So....you're raising a 10 year old boy.

At 32 years old, he's a little too old to be acting like an immature idiot just because he's not used to living with someone. It doesn't give him the right to continually disrespect you. Most couples have 'growing pains' when they first start living together, but it's not an excuse to mistreat your partner.

Personally, I'd tell him he's got 3 months to get his **** together or you'll be seeing your lawyer and moving back home. How he accomplishes that - whether it's through counseling or barking at the moon - is immaterial. He either does it or he doesn't.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> So....you're raising a 10 year old boy.
> 
> At 32 years old, he's a little too old to be acting like an immature idiot just because he's not used to living with someone. It doesn't give him the right to continually disrespect you. Most couples have 'growing pains' when they first start living together, but it's not an excuse to mistreat your partner.
> 
> Personally, I'd tell him he's got 3 months to get his **** together or you'll be seeing your lawyer and moving back home. How he accomplishes that - whether it's through counseling or barking at the moon - is immaterial. He either does it or he doesn't.


I would not even give him three months.

OP, it sounds like you have explained yourself time and again. How about just separating your accounts, moving out, and telling him you will be filing for divorce? 

If he wants to save the marriage, he can do whatever work you feel is required for that.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

peach12 said:


> No he wasn't living at home. He moved out after high school, and has been living in dorms first and later with friends while he did his Bachelors, Masters and while working. A few months before we got married, he got his own apartment as he knew I will be joining him soon.


He seems to have been a perpetual student living the student life and is not really ready for marriage although he is not young at 32.
You owe him some transparency though, sit him down and tell him how you feel. If he loves you enough he will make the necessary changes. You also have to stop wanting to control things. Many men hate being dictated to and being expected to jump when their wives ask them to do something. Although it comes across as procrastination, many men are like that. It took me years to let these things go and let my H do things in his own time.

If you ask him to:
1. take out the trash and he doesn't - then don't do it, leave it, what is the worst that can happen?
2. If you ask him to start dinner and he doesn't - don't do it, make a sandwich for yourself or whatever, don't pander to him. If he wants to be PA let him go right ahead, just do not let it affect you.

However, you should tell him that it is affecting your feelings for him and see what his response is.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

One thing that can help with this - if you're determined not to leave - is to set up a chore chart for all things that have to get done. Mind you, don't do this UNTIL you have had the talk about this can't go on much longer or you will leave.

Get a poster board and write out all the things that have to be done around the house. Sit down with him and tell him you expect him to select the things he will be responsible for. Take turns putting your initials next to the things that will be YOUR tasks. 

If something really really matters to you, take that chore - like if you absolutely can't go to bed with dirty dishes in the sink, make that YOUR job so that you don't sit and seethe, waiting for him to wash the dishes and clean the counters.

Keep going until all chores are accounted for. Pin the poster board onto the wall so both of you can see it every day as a reminder. When he doesn't do his chores...let it go.

It may just be taking him longer than usual to 'grow up' and see how real adults take care of things; this might help him get there.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

He may have bait and switched you. Acted like someone else and once you are in, he reverts. You can either go hardline and say, shape up or you are out. Or you can be passive, and stop doing EVERYTHING for him. Make your own meals, do your own laundry, just clean up your stuff...


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Ok, I am guessing from the other replies that I am WAY off on this one, but here is my take nonetheless.

Your husband has a sarcastic sense of humor. You obviously do not. He is JOKING with you when he says and does this stuff, so he can get a rise out of you, which is working perfectly. My husband and I do this to each other every single day. We both enjoy sarcasm and giving each other a hard time. We laugh SO much doing this.

Instead of getting upset at him, try taking it light hearted, laugh along with him as he razzes you, and then poke some fun back at him. You have the option of being a total stick in the mud Debbie Downer, or you could be fun and enjoy a relationship with your husband who has a good sense of humor.

If I was as him, I would be sitting *you* down to try to figure out what is wrong, "You seemed to have a sense of humor when we were dating, but now it has disappeared and been replaced by hypersensitivity. Where did my wife go?"

So I guess it's up to you. I suppose you can divorce someone for a sense of humor that doesn't match yours....


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

peach12 said:


> Apologizes in advance for the long post, but I really need advice.
> 
> My husband and I have been married for five months. We dated for 2.5 years long distance. I moved to his city post-marriage.
> 
> ...


On the contrary, he is still surprising you. But he saved the biggest surprise until last. 
*
When he revealed that he is, in reality, a donkey's rear end.* 

However, I think counselling -now, rather than later, might be of benefit, before you really start to hate him.

Is it all him, though? That's why counselling would be a good idea, as it helps both of you to grow.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do be sure to look at your own actions and contributions to the situation. I know many men who just give up helping because what they do is never good enough or the right way or quick enough. 

It would help you to learn about our top Emotional Needs. Men's top needs are usually Sex, Recreation (having fun), and Admiration. Women's are usually honesty, communication, and security, things like that.

Whatever steps you take, keep those in mind - if you stop meeting his needs, he'll stop meeting yours. So don't make this a fight; you should be on the same team, not opposite teams.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Spicy said:


> Ok, I am guessing from the other replies that I am WAY off on this one, but here is my take nonetheless.
> 
> Your husband has a sarcastic sense of humor. You obviously do not. He is JOKING with you when he says and does this stuff, so he can get a rise out of you, which is working perfectly. My husband and I do this to each other every single day. We both enjoy sarcasm and giving each other a hard time. We laugh SO much doing this.
> 
> ...


I agree, it may not be all his fault, although I do agree he needs to knock off all the stupid behavior and start acting like an adult. If he joked around like this before you were married then, in a way, you were communicating that you were ok with this type of behavior.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Sounds the me like he's just teasing you and you are too thin skinned. If the house is immaculate and he teases about it being messy, why would you get upset?

Take a deep breath. Exhale. Next time, just agree with him. "Yeah, quite the pig sty". Or "no honey, you did an amazing job cleaning house today!" Particularly if YOU were the one who cleaned up and he did nothing.

If you don't let him ruffle your feathers he'll wonder what changed. If you're calm and agree, then you can pause and say "I know you were teasing. But do you have something you ACTUALLY want to say to me?"

If you approach it this way, and he is being passive aggressive, it undermines his approach and calls him out. Be sure you don't rub it in - really ask - and do that to try to get at what is eating at him.

Passive aggressive people often can't directly approach people - maybe you're too direct for him to say what's bugging him

Btw if it's just teasing then I think you should both work on it - him trying to stop and you trying to toughen up. This is the dynamic I have - but my FIL was much worse. Men often are brought up teasing and we see nothing wrong with it (until our wives complain enough).

If it's passive aggressiveness, he'll need to develop new skills at direct confrontation, but you may have to ease him into it by not being to threatening at first until he learns how to do this (make it safe for him to say what's wrong)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

When my H says the house is messy, guess what I say?

"I know, when are you going to do your half?"


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Stop asking him to do things.

I know you want to. He doesn't want you to ask him. It's a tug of war. And it is a war.

So here's an idea which might work. Maybe.

So I recommend you simply stop asking him to do anything. But, you, yourself, just stop doing anything too. Just let things slide. 

Take care of what you need to in order to keep your life going. Ignore him. 

It is a war. I kid you not.

Make breakfast for yourself and let him fend for himself. Let the garbage spill over onto the floor. Don't ask him about anything cute. Exclude him.

He is actively fighting this war, and he thinks he is winning a battle every time he says no and you choose to do something instead of pressing on with your requests. You cannot win. That way is only true disaster. Any attempt by you to win will only cost you dearly.

But you can stop the war by ceasing to battle. Don't ask him anything. At some point he should realize how truly stupid his denials and attempts to foil your simple requests were. He knew what you were asking was right, and he should have acceded to your requests, but he just had to deny you. As was mentioned, passive aggressive. So once you stop asking and start doing it yourself he jumps to action.

If you just don't ask him anything, you don't give him anything to deny. You don't give him anything to battle against. By making him chose to take action or let things fall apart, maybe he will start to grow up some.

Maybe.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

All this speculation, and none of us really knows WHY he is behaving this way. Where is the communication in your marriage? You two are supposed to be best friends. Best friends can tell each other anything.


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## peach12 (May 29, 2017)

Thank you all for your replies. Got some really good advice here. I did sit down and talk to him and he is working towards improvement. Hoping it all works out in the end!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Good. Set up some timelines.Set up a monthly 'state of the marriage' meeting where you sit down and discuss your feelings about everything - without getting defensive.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

There are some different issues First, there is the common problem where a wife asks/tells her husband to do something. Many men do not feel they are employees or children and like to wait a few minutes helps to establish their independent and autonomy. A man does not say, I need you to cook this now. 

As to the sarcasm, that may be his personality. Doing it all the time could be irritating but I can see some men doing it sometimes. 
You can and should talk and strike back. He probably should not be hitting you even playfully.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bobby5000 said:


> There are some different issues First, there is the common problem where a wife asks/tells her husband to do something. Many men do not feel they are employees or children and like to wait a few minutes helps to establish their independent and autonomy. *A man does not say, I need you to cook this now.*


Having been married to men, I disagree. Men tell their wives all the time something along the line of "I need you to cook this now."

I think that the difference is that women tend to just come from a place of being helpful and just do it, now. So it's not such a big deal and we don't hear about it.



Bobby5000 said:


> As to the sarcasm, that may be his personality. Doing it all the time could be irritating but I can see some men doing it sometimes.
> 
> You can and should talk and strike back. He probably should not be hitting you even playfully.


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

Does your husband have brothers and sisters? The dynamic you describe here reminds me of siblings or maybe pals. It strikes me more as ribbing, a kind of playful banter than as anything else. 

My guess is that he's treating you in the same sorts of ways that he's interacted with other people he's lived with. Either his family, or others in his dorm. And instead of taking it all personally, you could roll with it. 

My husband will often say "no" when I ask him to do something. But he will often be right in the middle of doing it as he is saying "no". It's just a joke.

"Geez you're so mean to me", I'll respond. 

"Yes", he'll agree gleefully. "I'm a total *******"


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

turnera said:


> Ok then, what I think you need is a code word. You tell him that when he is upsetting you, you are going to use that one word, the code word, and you are going to walk away from whatever the situation is. He's welcome to come talk to you about it, or he's welcome to actually DO the thing he said he would, but you will have nothing more to do with the issue. That way, you don't stay 'engaged' in the battle, so to speak.
> 
> You don't want him to see all interactions with you as being painful or as you berating him. But neither do you want to start stifling your own feelings, because he'll then just start taking advantage of you without even realizing it, and you'll become more and more unhappy, like you are now.
> 
> If he starts hearing that codeword 5, 20, 30 times a week, it's going to be hard for him to ignore how off-kilter your marriage really is. And down the road, after a few months, perhaps, you can sit down again and say 'have you realized how many times you're doing the thing you do? do you think I should stay here if nothing is changing?' And then have an honest, helpful, non-judging talk about it.


Gawd All Mighty.

This makes sense and THAT is so scary.

Pavlov's Conditioning. Applied to a three-legged man....

The Red Dog in me fears this @turnera........too clever, she.

I would stuff cotton in my ears and continue to fiddle with my bone.


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