# What to do now any views welcome please



## Catrina (Dec 27, 2011)

my partner of 13yrs started having an affair first it was ea then after a couple of weeks went physical, i caught him asked him to leave he did back to her, i was and still am devastated i had always thought of us as a happy couple with ups and downs like everybody else, he asked to come back and i took him back, he left again back to her 5 times in total he has been back at our home and five times he left, she has asked him to move in with her he told me doesnt want to???????????????? , first week of dec he contacted me said heloved me and was so so sorry for everything and could we try again he was crying like a baby i said ok we can try again everything ok ishfor about a week then i noticed a difference in him, restlesss, withdrew, sad,angry, i started retaliating over the hurt we had a very bad week or so, day before xmas eve we ... well to be honest me was trying to talk to him about his feelings i asked him for 100pc truth did he love her yes he said, do you love me yes he said, where do your loyalties lie who do you want to be with honestly her he said i am in shock, he said he loves her in a different and stronger way than me jesus what a xmas present, always before he said i was the person he loved even though he kept going back to her , she is away for xmas and new year and i know that as soon as she comes back hes gone.... again... i dont know what to do


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Tell him to leave now, he's not ready to commit to you. You are not married to him. So it's a lot easier to break this off. 

He's using you as a place to stay while she's gone.


----------



## Catrina (Dec 27, 2011)

all but one of the reconcilliations were his idea and every time he let me down and went again, i asked him why he wouldnt move in with her if he loved her so much his reply i dont want to, any question i asked was more or less the same answer... i dont know, jesus i wish the holidays were over, i shouldnt have got involved again i know but he promised and swore it was over on his side, btw its him that keeps it up hes always the first to contact her... and contact me too by the look of things, so hurt again, he is behaving as if nothing is happening im in denial at this person i thought i knew


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Catrina said:


> all but one of the reconcilliations were his idea and every time he let me down and went again, i asked him why he wouldnt move in with her if he loved her so much his reply i dont want to, any question i asked was more or less the same answer... i dont know, jesus i wish the holidays were over, i shouldnt have got involved again i know but he promised and swore it was over on his side, btw its him that keeps it up hes always the first to contact her... and contact me too by the look of things, so hurt again, he is behaving as if nothing is happening im in denial at this person i thought i knew


Do you know who she is? Maybe she is married or has a boyfriend living with her? Could this be why he won't move in with her?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He has done this 5 times. This is the 6th. Why would he take you seriously on this? You have shown so far that you are willing to take him back anytime she's not in town or doing something else. 

What you have been doing is not working. So why are you doing it again this time?

You are the one allowing this. He's just taking advantage of your lack of boundaries.


----------



## Catrina (Dec 27, 2011)

yes i know her kind of, and no she has no ties her husband died a couple of years ago,


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

He's cake eating and he'll continue to do so as long as you and the other woman allow him to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> He's cake eating and he'll continue to do so as long as you and the other woman allow him to.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

Get strong, do a 180 to prepare yourself, use anger ,channel it 
to use as a tool to help you cope, you should be pissed as hell!!!

You can get thru this, it is not the end of the world (even though it feels that way), life goes on, become a better you for you and no one else...and most importantly, read on here, you have friends on here, people you have never met, care about YOU!!!


----------



## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

As long as you allow him to, he will continue to walk all over you. This man is not committed to you or the OW. He's just getting his jollies knowing that two women want him.


----------



## Humble Married Man (Dec 18, 2011)

You are codependent OP.

I have seen other BSs behave this way before. I find it superficially similar to the cycle of abuse. The fact is, your bf has control over you. And by tolerating his behaviour, you are acting as his enabler.

I suppose that his actions could be considered a form of psychological abuse. Obviously, it isn't making you happy.

Is there anyone that you can talk to IRL?

Do you have the financial stability to pay for therapy?

What is it about your bf, that appeals to you?


----------



## Catrina (Dec 27, 2011)

i am angry, angry at him, angry at her and angry with myself for falling for it all again, everytime i fall for the same old ...im sorry i didnt mean it i love you ... only to bekicked in the teeth again by him, i thought this time he really means its, so devastated and hurt again my fault for trusting him again, cant put him out house is in both our names as is the morgage, and he has not been violent so nothing i can do at the moment, i thought i had a stable relationship i dont know this person anymore, can anyone tell me why he does the back and forth back and forth bit all the time not letting go of one person or the other............ apart from me and possibly even her allowing it, why if he loves her so much just not move in with her i cant understand that bit


----------



## Humble Married Man (Dec 18, 2011)

Catrina said:


> can anyone tell me why he does the back and forth back and forth bit all the time not letting go of one person or the other. why if he loves her so much just not move in with her i cant understand that bit


There is a possibility that he loves neither of you and is simply using both of you. Perhaps it is a twisted game to him.

There is also a possibility that he loves you both equally and wants you both in his life (polyamory).

Either way, I would say that he lacks the emotional maturity to handle this situation with tact. That is why he does what he does. He is immature and unreliable.


----------



## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Catrina said:


> i am angry, angry at him, angry at her and angry with myself for falling for it all again, everytime i fall for the same old ...im sorry i didnt mean it i love you ... only to bekicked in the teeth again by him, i thought this time he really means its, so devastated and hurt again my fault for trusting him again, cant put him out house is in both our names as is the morgage, and he has not been violent so nothing i can do at the moment, i thought i had a stable relationship i dont know this person anymore,
> 
> can anyone tell me why he does the back and forth back and forth bit all the time not letting go of one person or the other............
> 
> ...


----------



## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

Do you mind sharing him with another woman? If you do than set some bounderies and let him know what they are. Let him know that he has a choice, and he only gets to make it once more. 100% in or dont let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya.


----------



## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

You need to clear up his confusion.....tell him you're not putting up with his crap, and that he needs to make a choice, until he does he needs to leave, and you do the 180. He knows you're there waiting for him until he makes the choice, stop that, and take a stand.

good luck


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

You may not be able to physically make him leave but you can reside in the same house as simply co-inhabitants and not man and wife - instructions, guidance, and how to do this are in "the 180." Someone please post up a link for Catrina...

As for why he does the back and forth, he is having his cake and eating it to, "cake eating." And what a wonderful thing to be able to do. I promise he will continue it, and fight you to be able to do so, as long as you and the other woman will allow him to. 

Find the threads on the 180 and do it.


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

The 180 is in the newbie thread

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Catrina said:


> i am angry, angry at him, angry at her and angry with myself for falling for it all again, everytime i fall for the same old ...im sorry i didnt mean it i love you ... only to bekicked in the teeth again by him, i thought this time he really means its, so devastated and hurt again my fault for trusting him again, cant put him out house is in both our names as is the morgage, and he has not been violent so nothing i can do at the moment, i thought i had a stable relationship i dont know this person anymore, *can anyone tell me why he does the back and forth back and forth bit all the time not letting go of one person or the other............ *apart from me and possibly even her allowing it, why if he loves her so much just not move in with her i cant understand that bit


Because you and she both let him.

And because it's he likes having two women who fill his needs. It's a high for him.


----------



## Catrina (Dec 27, 2011)

i know about the 180 i have been reading this forum since i first found out about his affair, just read didnt join and i was doing ok with leaving them to it untill he contacted me we would meet for a coffee or whatever and the same old im sorry from him would fall out of his mouth and id fall for it, i really loved and foolish me still do love my partner and when i discovered first it was like being run over by a train, heartbroken still am, cant get my head around how someone can change so much and get so hard hearted and cold with someone they loved, its not the same person its like a dream or living nightmare


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Affairs are perfectly selfish. They make no sense to anyone other than the two people in them because of that. People in affairs don't see it as hurting their spouse via their affair partner. They see their spouse and their AP as two separate worlds, and that as long as they can keep the two from interacting with each other all is good. When the two worlds do interact all the cheater wants to do is get them back to their respective corners ASAP and then carry on.

It sucks but it's the way cheaters see things - at least while they're cheating.


----------



## Catrina (Dec 27, 2011)

he got an emai from her on tuesday, he told me wed daytime and said its wasnt over and his AP said they needed to talk.. duh.. i answered saying who tf is this woman to be able to say its not over as far as she is concerned, he said it wasnt over as far as he was concerned either and needed closure and was meeting her that night, i told hom he wasstarting things all over again deaf ears, and do you know i felt like the third party in our realtionship not her but me, i asked him but didnt demand him not to go and he said that if he didnt go that night he would only go again some other day, i told him that if he went he wouldnt come home and he promised me he would and he would ring me later, i knew that wouldnt happen an sure enough not a peep, was so hard sitting there and he getting ready to meet another woman didnt hear a thing for 2days


----------



## Catrina (Dec 27, 2011)

he rang me yesterday.. new yrs eve.. to say he was sitting in his car for the past couple of hours and felt awful could he come home for a bit and talk, anyway in he comes sits down and couldnt look at me eyes on the floor the whole time never looked up from the floor i asked him where he went with her as he was supposed to be just meeting for a beer or coffee, he told me he wentto her house as she didnt feel well enough to go out, and somehow*** ended up staying the night and when he woke up he thought he was at home................ must have been a flying carpet that brought him home, such c--p,thought for a min he was at home


----------

