# how important is orgasm for women during sex



## FORTIFIEDORANGE (Mar 27, 2017)

So i think i am grappling with this inferiority/concern/worry about my wife.

My wife, as stated before doesn't seem very passionate about sex. I've tried to voice this over the years but didn't want to push her to feel obligated to faking it or feeling like i am wanting her to be more passionate in order to suit my own pleasure. It really isn't about my pleasure, maybe slightly about my ego/confidence but mainly it is about me wanting to feel wanted or accepted, also feeling like she is happy too and getting something out of it.

So other night i brought it up, and pushed the facts on her and explained it is not for my bennefit it is my concern for her. She got it and seemed to open up more, last night we had pretty passionate sex. She still seems to be reserved and timid about it. others mentioned she might have child sexual abuse, i don't think that could be the issue. We are pretty open about our past when we met, we don't talk about the past ever, but she did say her first time having sex was pretty much rape and she was younger like 14 and it was with another teen age boy. 

She also told me early on in our relationship she had really awesome sex with her recent x b/f, and that she'd cum everytime. Not sure why she would have lied to me about that other than a tool for manipulation so i believe her when she told me this many years ago. 

I don't think i've ever gave her an orgasm, she has never admitted to having one with me, and if she does have them and is for some reason not telling me, the only signs i get is she grabs on to me really tightly at times and she has some motions like an orgasm but not the whole vaginal contractions super explosive heavy breathing that i've experienced before with girls before her.

I get plenty out of sex with my wife, she is great, best lover ever in terms of the physical aspects. although blow jobs are as common as holidays, and only last a few minutes (she never finishes me) they are intimate and special and she literally feels better than any girl before when she does it, although she never finishes me, i finish through sex.


So in essence my issue is; if she had orgasm in intercouse before me, i feel like i am not that special to her. I've had several past relationships where the girl cummed almost every time and when i didn't make them cum they'd voice their concern and opened up to me about it or just said 'must have been too much to drink' or 'not feeling well, so dont worry about me just et off really quick' etc and the relationships in the past were never girls faking it to turn me on.


Now, i am pretty confident any girl can be made to cum from enough persistant oral sex, i remember when i was 16, first time making my g/f at the time cum was through oral sex, we never had intercourse at that age, we were paranoid about babies etc.. and i have issues with condoms, never been able to use one then or since and now have no need to as married and we use the pull out method and dont care if we have more kids. However, my wife never lets me go down on her hardly ever. the few times i have she made me stop. her clit would lose arrousal after a while one time. we then would have intercourse and i'd finish and be done.

She's never given me direction for what she likes, but a year ago i figured out the whole CAT position where you grind base of penis against clitoris and palvic, ssince then the sex had gotten a lot better but i still do not believe she has orgasms.

It is possible she would and just never tell me because that totally is in the relms of things as she is shy about this whole sexuality, and i know some girls can cum without much contractions and there are some orgasms that are more intense than others etc.. 


She did use a vibrator on herself with me a few times a few yeras ago and i witnessed her cum, it was very subtle and i almost thought like she faked it just to stop using it because she couldnt cum in front of me, however she insisted she cummed. Now the use of the vibrator i said was pretty cool, i liked having my wife get pleasure and it turned me on, however part of me had that little inferiority complex about it at first, and i think she got that vibe from me, but now i view it completely differently. 

I also am going to surprise her, i orderd this new vibrator i found that is easy to use during intercourse without getting in the way, it was on her amazon so she would see it in the orders so it's not a complete surprise. I think she might be just affraid to use one in front of me because i met get jealous or weirded out? But i've offered 'hey go get the vibartor' numerous times. 

the other night i offered to go get it and said i really want to make you cum to her and she said she didnt want to get into that right now. I also admitted to knowing without a doubt that she uses it when no one is home. She still wouldn't admit, i didn't do anything crazy like video tape, i don't want to reveal my secret incase she happens to come across this, but i am an electrical engineer, i can tell how much use it gets with some basic tests on the batteries. I didn't tell her how i knew, so she might have called my bluff but then i told her specifically what days she used it and it was silence. we were in bed together and she seemed to change topic move on. 

I don't harp on this hardly at all or birng it up ever as it seems to just irritate her, so i try to be as subtle about it as possible as the few times i got direct with it she got really irritated.


I mean for women, the man almost always cums so i think women don't get what it's like to feel inadequate as much as men can get this feeling, and i don't know what it'd be like for a woman to never orgasm during sex. if i wasn't getting off during sex which when i was younger i had trouble due to fear of baby etc.. or i'd just pull out and not finish at all, i still liked the sex.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Male sexuality ≠ Female sexuality

Your wife's orgasms are only as important to her as she tells you they are. For some women they are important while for others it does not really matter one way or the other. Sex is all about validation, so you have to ask what it is about your wife that she needs to have validated. 

Obviously you want to feel validated in knowing that you can please her with great sex.

For her she may want to simply feel emotionally close to you. 

Badsanta


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

I think they are important. equally important to both men and women.

and most times if your woman isn't have any then the less and less sex will be in your future. and maybe even cheating.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you asked her if she ever has orgasms when she has sex with you? If not, why not?

You need to ask her, just tell her that her reaction is so subtle that you cannot tell if she is having one or not.

The other thing is, are you mostly expecting/wanting her to orgasm during PIV?


----------



## FORTIFIEDORANGE (Mar 27, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Have you asked her if she ever has orgasms when she has sex with you? If not, why not?
> 
> You need to ask her, just tell her that her reaction is so subtle that you cannot tell if she is having one or not.
> 
> The other thing is, are you mostly expecting/wanting her to orgasm during PIV?


I asked her and she simply tells me "why do we always have to talk about sex after" and she never gives detail. 4 months into dating many years ago she told me she cummed during sex, i havent got a clue if she just said that or if she did. like i said, all my experiences with girls who were open on this topic also were with girls who had pretty obvious contractions and other things going on.

i am worried she might think that she is not living up to some expectation i have, as with many things i bring up non sex related she takes it as critiscm when it is not. She is defenisve over many things and i try to communicate to her on many areas that i am not critizing. whether it is dinner, if i ask 'how did you make this' 'why is it not good?" so she is insecure about a lot of things or just maybe takes it the wrong way. I feel this could be the problem too.

so if i try to get into the details of "you are so subtle i cannot tell" she might get defensive and think that i must have had some amazing girl in the past. Yes, while having some girl screaming in exstacy or rocking around is a tiny bit of a turn out, it doesn't effing matter to me, a simple LED indicator of "yes i came" would suffice as i just want to have validation as mentioned above and also to know she is happy. 


As for the method to achieve the O, i'd love to make her cum through PIV sex alone as it would be less work, but at this point i'd be happy if she let me watch her masturbate more than just the two times in 7 years, or ideally let me use the vibrator on her or at minimum let me touch her while she uses it. So this again goes to my theory that she is shy about it.

also maybe her orgasms are really crazy and she doesn't want me to see it? or what if she has ejaculatory orgasms, i've experienced that before and i beleive it probably is just urine, but she might be embarrassed. i know she uses shower head at times to masturbate, back when we started dating and she was super open about stuff she told me that, so maybe it's less messy in the shower if she pees while doing it? who knows.

technically other day she used the shower head on her while we were doing it in the shower but she said she couldnt cum from it and then kept getting upset about me watching her and i told her it turned me on. so i think it goes back to the point of her embarrassment or shame about it. she only used it in the shower to get wet as shower and lubrication is a difficult thing as a wet hard penis from water often dries up stuff.


i wouldn't mind going down on her for an hour and a half straight provided i had plenty of water to drink if it made her cum, but she won't even let me really finger or touch her let alone put my tongue down there. i asked why and she said she felt gross. 


she has let me go down on her a hand ful of times but makes me stop at some point.


now back to the PIV sex, i do know that when i am griding her clit with pelvic bone/base of penis she gets this tense motion and grabs me hard with her hands on my back and she moves for a bit. not sure if that is because it is just a good feeling she gets or that is some mini orgasm, or if she is just trying to encourage me because she knows i am trying? 


so the problem i am seeing in a nutshell is: my past experiences make me believe girls can enjoy sex more as i've seen it before but the gauge i am using is not accurate because every girl is different and their responses are different. The other flip of it is her past expereinces mentioned to me makes me feel insecure/worried i am not living up to her expectation coupled to the fact she masturbates in secret with the vibrator when i am not around but won't let me really use it with her. 

obviously everyone fantasizes about stuff and past experiences might come up in memory. i usually masturbate thinking about my wife 99.99% of the time, and if i am in a bad mood or mad at her i might think abotu some past girl but that might be a few times a year at most. i usually masturbate about twice a day and my wife probably from what i can tell at least 4-6 times a month.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Only about 25% of women can orgasm from PIV. And most of them can only do it occasionally. So expecting her to orgasm from PIV is not reasonable. But it does sound like she is getting something out of it from what you describe of when she grabs onto you.

Well, I don't know what to tell you if she will not communicate with you about her experience with sex. I think you need to let her know that the only reason you are asking is that you are not sure if she is having orgasms and you really want to be able to give them to her. 

Maybe you could take the approach of telling her that you want to know if she is not having orgasms so that you can work on that. But don't do it right after having sex. She seems to take the talk after sex as meaning that you are criticizing her.

This is who you married. You knew what she was like sexually before you married her.


----------



## FORTIFIEDORANGE (Mar 27, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Only about 25% of women can orgasm from PIV. And most of them can only do it occasionally. So expecting her to orgasm from PIV is not reasonable. But it does sound like she is getting something out of it from what you describe of when she grabs onto you.
> 
> Well, I don't know what to tell you if she will not communicate with you about her experience with sex. I think you need to let her know that the only reason you are asking is that you are not sure if she is having orgasms and you really want to be able to give them to her.
> 
> ...


ya this minor issue is outweighed by the many perks of my wife so this is not a show stopper for me. Just makes me feel guilty almost if she is not enjoying it.

I asked her last night and she said "sex is great" but doesn't elaborate. 

i also feel that she also is affraid of hurting my feelings by telling me stuff too.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Only about 25% of women can orgasm from PIV. And most of them can only do it occasionally. So expecting her to orgasm from PIV is not reasonable. But it does sound like she is getting something out of it from what you describe of when she grabs onto you.
> 
> Well, I don't know what to tell you if she will not communicate with you about her experience with sex. I think you need to let her know that the only reason you are asking is that you are not sure if she is having orgasms and you really want to be able to give them to her.
> 
> ...


But she could with the ex though. Is she just not that into him?

OP instead of asking her, how about you tell her you want to blow her mind and you want to make it a project between the two of you.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sokillme said:


> But she could with the ex though. Is she just not that into him?
> 
> OP instead of asking her, how about you tell her you want to blow her mind and you want to make it a project between the two of you.


This is what he said. He did not say that she came every time with PIV with her ex.



FORTIFIEDORANGE said:


> She also told me early on in our relationship she had really awesome sex with her recent x b/f, and that she'd cum everytime.


Maybe she does come every time with FORTIFIEDORANGE. But she's just not telling him. Maybe she thinks it's pretty clear that she is having an orgasm. Maybe she assumes that's natural and does not want to talk about it.

Having orgasms is as much about mechanics as it is about anything else. We can sit here all day long and imagine all kinds of reasons that she does not behave in the manner that the OP wants her to during sex. We can imagine all kinds of reasons why she acts in a manner that is natural to her, and does not act the way the OP wants her to. But the most likely reason that she is like she is during sex is that it's her natural way of being. That's who she is. And like she said, for her their sex life is great.

She says that sex with the OP is good. He just does not believe her.


----------



## FORTIFIEDORANGE (Mar 27, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> This is what he said. He did not say that she came every time with PIV with her ex.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Yep, hit nail on head. 

and i also am affraid to push the issue because then she will just lie or fake it to appease me and the problem isn't appeasing me to turn me on but rather to make me know she is happy with me. there is a joke i once heard "why do women fake orgasms" response was "who cares", basically we shouldn't care about it it is not our problem, they wouldn't fake it if they didnt like sex and if they are having sex who cares. OBviously you would care if you love someone, but for a one night stand or a prostitute etc.. who cares about it. I thought the joke was funny, but i do care, i take pride in my work!


As for tellign her i want to blow her mind, i like that idea. I've kind of been hinting at that.


Perhaps she doesnt want oral sex because she is not just grossed out by her vagina (women are self concious over it and the fact i cum in her a few days prior she thinks it might get on me etc...) but perhaps she is getting enough satisifaction from the sex? that is the optimistic view of this, but deep down i feel she probably is not having orgasms from my experience with girls who have real orgasms.

again, i am totally mind blown by the sex with her on my end, it is great, and i have a strong connection, but i am worried her side is not the same as her expectations are. 

Now, i do notice she masturbates usually after having sex with me the next day if i am gone. is she doing that because she is turned on by me, or feeling unsatisfied though and needs to finish it off. I can't know for sure. could just be hormonal cycles, during her ovulation cycle she is most horny obviously and we usually have more sex around htat time and therefore masturbation coincides with it.

on my end, i am usually super horny after sex. obviously i am a man so my equipment shuts down for 20-30 mins before it is ready to go again, wife doesn't want to have sex again ever and if i ask she just laughs at me, so i go have to go rub another one out after, and usually the morning after too. past g/fs i would just do them again after i had my reset phase finished, seems like prior girls were more submissive and did whatever i wanted and one time a girl told her friend who then told me that i wear her out and she is tired as in a good way.


So, if she was not getting off during sex, and i was able to go again, why wouldn't she want to go again? Maybe she never was turned on mcuh and doesnt ever see getting off from it.

I also offere to say "Go get your vibrator" after to finish off but she doesn't want to. 


Another theory i have is she uses sex as a reward for other things in life, and wants to treat it like a chore because she can hold it against me. She uses blow jobs in this manor, rarely get those. So perhaps she wants to put the allure that she doesnt like sex so that way she can use it to manipulate me into doing more work around the house or to use it as punishment. if she liked sex, then i could just do the same to her or contradict it by saying "well you won't get any then either". now this in of itself is a whole other issue.

So after i got upset and told her about my concerns the ohter night, she seems to be showing interest in it.

Also perhaps showing interest/ having orgasm etc.. makes her feel vulnerable because of the empowerement it gives me perhaps? So she is concerned i'd start taking it for granted and withdraw from her. Her insecurity is she is a bit older than me, she doesnt work, the house is not as clean as she likes though i could give 2 craps about the house cleanliness, so she doesnt feel accomplished in her day.

I am going to work on the other relationship issues to try to improve this.

men use sex as their meter to determine the quality of the relationship, so it's our warning display, it's how we sense the emotion of our partners. Women use other methods as the sex is going to be there .


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

A couple of thoughts.

(1) As we age, most people loose PC muscle strength (unless they do specific exercises), which contributes to strong orgasms in men and women. How many years ago was she with the boyfriend you keep mentally comparing yourself to?

(2) She says she enjoys sex with you, you say you enjoy sex with her, so what's the problem? Enjoy and realize that there would be thousands of people who would gladly trade places with you. She obviously cares about you and your pleasure and is happy with you.

(3) This sounds like it is all your ego. That is you want to view yourself as a "good lover," a 'competent lover." Sex should be fun, playful and exploratory not about keeping score of who orgasms and who doesn't. What you are doing is putting pressure on her. You said in one of your posts that you don't want her to fake orgasms for you. If I were in your shoes, I would just periodically ask her if there is anything else you can do for her in bed that she would like to try as you want her to be completely happy and satisfied. I would also tell her how lucky you are to have found her.


Good luck.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

FORTIFIEDORANGE said:


> *men use sex as their meter to determine the quality of the relationship, so it's our warning display,* it's how we sense the emotion of our partners. Women use other methods as the sex is going to be there .












You do know that after so many miles that this light tends to just stay on don't you! Once you hit 200,000 miles you should consider that warning light a badge of honor, simply because your wife is still there and still going! 

You can't start performing detailed diagnostics at this point, you just have to handle and feel her as if she is an extension of your own body. She will let you know when something needs attention, because she will start pulling towards one side of the bed and make awful noises.

In the meantime just keep on truck'n! One day you will finally discover this:










Badsanta


----------



## FORTIFIEDORANGE (Mar 27, 2017)

LMFAO bad santa, i am just used to the new car smell of the past lol good analogy.

youngatheart, i agree, it is my ego, but it is getting the best of me. my wife was 7 years younger when she had this b/f it was right before we met, he left her for some reason i think she was going through a lot of personal issues in life and probably scared him off. so it upset her at the time.

she has had kids since then, kids comming out there i heard can make orgasms easier and i have heard the opposite is true. 



i agree it shouldn't be about keeping score, however i am super competitive in life and i am super analytical so i analyze everything. I'll admit i suck at the finness of romance. looking for date ideas for us saturday, i went out of the way to contact our baby sitter, she normally does that and complains about having to do that.

i am happy with my relationship and my sex life and i feel bad for those who have worse. about a year ago sex life sucked for us. I Think it was hormonal from having kids prior and our kids were younger and more work, now they are a bit older so the hands on work is less now. kids go to bed now and sleep through night though bed time is a bit of a chore. 

at first my son was in our bed, year of breast feeding etc..


----------



## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

If she says her first time was age 14 or younger and was "kinda" rape then most likely it WAS rape. If it happened at a young age she probably did not tell her parents or any adult at school and probably did not get any help to deal with the psychological impact of being rapes - and having that be her first time. There is a very large chance that she has a very negative attitude toward sex. Not her fault, just an expected result of what happened to her. That said, it may be that she never orgasms, and doesn't want to explore why she doesn't. If she won't get some professional help to deal with these feelings, you have zero chance of having a satisfying sex life with her. Of course she wants to just be able to ignore the issue and to have you ignore it. She desperately wants you to be happy with her as she is.

You must be very firm and strong while also being gentle. Hard to pull off. But if you do not insist she get help, she will likely always be like this way with you. It is a great gift you can offer to hold her hand through this process. But she has to be willing to accept the gift. She may reject you and the gift and insist there is nothing "wrong" with her. Which is true. But misleading. She has walled off a part of herself. Nothing wrong with the parts that are open and available. But there is good stuff behind the wall. Along with pain and fear. She is depriving herself and you by keeping that stuff walled off. She will enjoy her life and her marriage more if she agrees to do the work to tear down the wall. But she has to want to do so.

My wife refuses to accept that anything is walled off, or that there is anything worth salvaging on the other side of the wall. We are both worse off for her refusal. I hope you get a better reaction.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

FORTIFIEDORANGE said:


> ....youngatheart, i agree, it is my ego, but it is getting the best of me. my wife was 7 years younger when she had this b/f it was right before we met, he left her for some reason i think she was going through a lot of personal issues in life and probably scared him off. so it upset her at the time.
> 
> she has had kids since then, kids comming out there i heard can make orgasms easier and i have heard the opposite is true.
> 
> ...


Congratulations! You have the big picture firmly in mind. You understand the issues, their causes. Now figure out your own action plan to solve your problem. From what you said, it sounds like things are getting better and it is just your competitive type-A personality that is the most significant issue.

The sex therapist that saved my marriage taught my wife and me to visualize where we wanted our marriage to be in 5, 10, and 20 years and what our sex life would be like then. Start thinking about your sexual future with your wife and sharing those thoughts with her. Figure out ways to sexually and sensually enjoy each other. Again, the Sex Therapist taught me that the best sex is fun, playful and exploratory. It involves giggling, silliness and play. It takes lots of practice to get really good at it. Sometimes one of you isn't at full capacity. Sometime you both have bad days. You need to laugh together when that happens and say you will try again in the morning or at night. Sex should have no performance anxiety. 

One of the milestones in my marriage was when both children were old enough to go off to summer camp at the same time. I will never forget how all the mom's sending their kids off on the bus to summer camp cried and hugged their kids as they got on the bus and then waived as the bus pulled off. When the bus rounded the corner, half the moms jumped up and down yelling yes/hurray! My wife and I went out to brunch, then back to bed that Saturday morning.

Figure out things that will allow you and your wife to focus on your sensual and sexual future.

Good luck, Don't over think things and don't let your competitive ego get in the way of enjoying your wife.

P.S. Yes, if you think there is any chance she was raped, then by all means the two of you should get counseling with a sex therapist. Sorry I missed that.


----------

