# I Just Don't Know What to Do?



## Mrs.Teach (Jan 21, 2012)

I have been doing a lot of "self-help" reading and stumbled across this website. I have read some of the posts and thought maybe this would be a good place to "vent", hear from others in a similar situation, and hopefully get some good advice. 

There's so much history between my husband and I, I could easily write a book...so I will try to keep it somewhat brief in my attempt to explain my current circumstances.

My husband and I have been married for 16 years, together for almost 20. I have devoted more than half my life to this man. We have 4 sons, 2 from his 1st marriage and 2 together. All of our children are great kids who are successful. This past year has been the challenge and most trying time of my life. Up until then, I considered my relationship to my husband a very strong, loving one. We are the couple who love to be affectionate anywhere we are...holding hands, a kiss on the cheek...just very loving in general. Our marriage, I felt, in the last few years was at its prime. Our children were getting older which allowed us to focus more on "us", thus strengthening our relationship. 

Last January, my husband suddenly sat me down and told me he was unhappy and, soon after, left our home. During the 4 months he was gone, he abandoned our family....barely saw the boys, barely came to the house, and pretty much shut me out. He did support our family financially...so it wasn't a total abandonment...but it sure did feel like it. During that time, I started going to counseling as I was a wreck. I barely ate, slept...I was literally dwindling away...it was horrible. I tried my best to be strong and be a good mother, thank god for my boys! Not understanding why he left was the most difficult, and he offered no explanations other than he wasn't happy. This left me speculating...I'm a problem solver and wanted to fix it! He denied an affair...so I thought depression? Mid life crisis? For 4 months, I followed the advice of my counselor and read lots of books to help me cope...all the while, fighting to get my husband to come back home. Finally, he did come home on Mother's Day. 

He came home and everything was getting back on track (I still went to counseling, as I was emotionally scarred from him leaving us)...or so I thought. After him being home a few months (4 or so) I began getting suspicions...he would carry his phone everywhere...even to the bathroom...he would stay in the bathroom a long time...and would lock his phone. I was never able to really check it. So for a few weeks, I suffered silently with my suspicions. Well, I caught him and he had nothing left to do but fess up...and he did. He had been working overtime a lot..and had befriended a coworker who was going through a divorce. To sum it up...they developed a friendship and one thing led to another.....meeting after work a few times a week to "talk" and other things as you can imagine. I still don't know everything...I probably never will. But it went on for at least 4-5 months. So there was a verbal confrontation which was ugly...I'm not proud of myself because I lost it! My children were home and I was screaming, swearing...getting in his face...telling him to get out!!! I will never forget the look in his eyes when he had no choice but to tell me he cheated (mind you, his first marriage ended due to her infidelity). My husband got angry, grabbed my throat with one hand and put the other on my chest as he pushed me back down the hallway, into our bedroom, and on our bed. The whole time with my youngest (he's 12) screaming "Dad, don't hurt my mom!". I called the police and he was arrested. This did and has caused a lot of issues with his work...as he works in law enforcement. We are currently going to court...trying to resolve it.

Stupid me, all I wanted was him to come back home again after the incident. Mind you, my husband is a good man and has NEVER put his hands on me ever before. His behavior in the last year is not typical and I really feel he's a different man. I never dreamed this would be my life, we've both worked so hard to have very successful careers and family is our world. So after the initial court date, he was permitted to come home on a "limited" protective order which allows him to stay in the home.

Now it's about mid November and he's home again. After the incident, he cried...told me he hit rock bottom...and seemed very remorseful and willing to do anything to make our marriage work and fix our family. He began counseling (mandated by court...though he says he would have gone anyhow...don't believe that) and cut all ties with this woman. Though how hard is it for me to know he's going to work everyday with the woman he cheated with. This still hurts me so much. Well, within 2 weeks of being caught, he began to little by little shut down on me. Showed no affection, didn't want to be intimate, didn't want to talk...we only talked when it was about the kids or the house...business, as I like to say. Of course this caused a lot more hurt as I couldn't understand. He should be fighting for me!!!! Not the other way around!!! 

By this time, it's now a little after Christmas and he's completely shut me out...barely talking and now not even sleeping in our bed. The entire time, I'm the one making attempts to communicate, to support him, etc. So there was a lot of me being sad, crying...just frustrated, confused, and still not understanding why. So almost 2 weeks ago he leaves AGAIN telling me he wants a separation. During this 2 week time, he only texts me (his way of talking) in regards to the boys or other business. Never offers explanations, never tells me what he wants to do (in either direction)...just non-communicative and stone cold. When he stops by the house to see the kids (not me), he barely looks at me or talks to me. Now he's telling me to move on...yet won't say if he wants to work on our marriage or go our separate ways. He blocks me out, ignores me...so then it builds and I get angry. When I'm angry, he says I get mean...he told me that's why he's staying away.....really? I feel entitled to my anger after ALL he's done to me and my boys. 

Any advice, because I am heartbroken and SO confused. I truly love this man despite everything and cannot picture my future without him. I do NOT want my children in a broken home with a part-time father...I'm just so sad, lonely, and utterly devastated. I do believe he loves me, even though he won't say it...doesn't even wear his wedding band anymore. I have never taken mine off. He makes jealous comments when I go to the gym to workout alone...basically, he sends me mixed messages. It's like....I don't want you but no one else can have you...type of thing. 

I have been faithful and stood by my wedding vows..which I believe in. He's betrayed me, lied to me, cheated on me...but still I love him. I feel his good qualities outweigh his bad ones. But I don't know. I cannot listen to my head because he has my heart. My therapist is just as confused about him as I am...she's basically telling me that I've handled this gracefully and done more than most women would have done in similar situations. But why can't I move on...why can't I let him go? And why do I let him keep hurting me...deeper and deeper...I do feel that I am a strong enough woman to forgive and rebuild our marriage but how can I do that when he won't commit? This is so complicated...and I love him and miss him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is this co-worker married?

Does your family and his know about his affair?

The best thing you can do right now is to take care of yourself. Take a look at the 180 in my signature block below. Behave towards him in the manner descibed in the 180. It will help you get stronger. You need to be stronger to handle this, no matter what direction it goes in.


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## Cogo123 (Jan 5, 2012)

I feel badly for the things you have had to deal with and I think in time you will grow from this experience and move on because you can't love someone who doesn't love you back. Its just not fair to you.
He has moved on physically and emotionally. Do not let him treat you that way. You deserve someone who will be the partner you deserve.
Your children have seen how you have been hurt by all of this.
They want you to be happy and they too will be happier when you move on and can both heal.
I am sure you do love him and miss him but do not let him disrespect you. I am thinking you want what you had but that part of your life is over. He selfishly changed things between you forever. You have some grieving to do and I would guess that is what you are going through now. Eventually you come to realize the changes he selfishly imposed will be there forever in your mind. You say you want to work on things but does he? Can you truly forgive and forget or will what he did forever live in your memory?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

Mrs.Teach said:


> My therapist is just as confused about him as I am...she's basically telling me that I've handled this gracefully and done more than most women would have done in similar situations. But why can't I move on...why can't I let him go? And why do I let him keep hurting me...deeper and deeper...I do feel that I am a strong enough woman to forgive and rebuild our marriage but how can I do that when he won't commit? This is so complicated...and I love him and miss him.


Your therapist is lame. Your H is now judging your reaction and he is seeing that you are not demanding better treatment. You have to protect yourself emotionally. Do the 180. He cheated. He has to earn you back. If he is not committed to earning you back he will probably cheat again.


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## Mrs.Teach (Jan 21, 2012)

First, I'd like to thank those of you who have taken your own time to read my posting. I really do appreciate the support! 

EleGirl- 

I only know that my husband said she was going through a divorce. That could mean separated, not finalized...I really don't know. He claims he has no contact with her and that this is about "him" and "us". My 2 sons know about the affair since they were in the home when the "incident" occurred. My other 2 stepsons do not live with us, they are both over the age of 18. They do not know to my knowledge. There are a few select family members that know...mainly his sister and brother..he stayed at his sister's the first time he left...and is now staying at his brother's. I think he is very select who he tells, and I'm not going to go spreading our business and bashing him to our family. The truth will come out in time, right? Thank you for your advice, I will definitely look at the 180 and try to focus on me. 


Cogo123-

Your advice is wise, my therapist has said many of the same things. Your questions are good ones and all I can say is that I am willing to try to forgive and trust again. I feel I have to give it my best effort for the sake of keeping my family together, and again....I whole heartedly love him. But your right, he's not the same person...nor am I. He changed all of that. Do you think it's possible that it could work?


I Know-

My therapist is far from lame and has been a HUGE support to me during this last year of hell. Perhaps I didn't represent her well with what I put in my post. My husband has attended a few sessions with me, so she assesses the situation the best she can and feels that none of his actions and behaviors really make a lot of sense. She is my advocate and wants to help me heal. I am thankful to have her during this crisis. But I do agree with everything else you said...it's just easier said than done. Everyone who has supported me tells me how strong I am...but really, I feel weak letting him control this situation and me for that matter. I need to listen to my head, not my heart <3 I just don't know how to start over and not have him beside me as my best friend and life partner.


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