# Not physically compatible



## JohnK (Mar 23, 2019)

Been married for over 15 years and over the years physical compatibility has been a problem. We are in our late 40’s. I work out almost every day and I’m probably in better shape than I was when I got married. The point is not to brag, but just to say I take care of myself and look much younger than my age. I’m told this every time I tell someone my age. She hates to exercise and refuses to do it. Her diet is also not great. Physically, I feel like she’s about 10-15 years older than me but she isn’t. I’ve tried everything to get her on the same page as me, and really gave up many years ago, and began to accepted it. It kills me to admit it, but I’m not attracted to her physically. I’m really attracted to petite, fit women, which she was when I married her. I don’t expect her to look like she did so many years ago. But she doesn’t even try to take care of herself or take advice from me. She just gets really defensive. Usually the ”discussion“ turns into an argument or disagreement because she (IMO) makes excuses. Since it never goes anywhere, I don’t even bring it up anymore. So...advice? Anyone else in this situation? By the way, I do love her with all my heart and we’re compatible in many other ways.


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## Marriednatlanta (Sep 21, 2016)

JohnK said:


> Been married for over 15 years and over the years physical compatibility has been a problem. We are in our late 40’s. I work out almost every day and I’m probably in better shape than I was when I got married. The point is not to brag, but just to say I take care of myself and look much younger than my age. I’m told this every time I tell someone my age. She hates to exercise and refuses to do it. Her diet is also not great. Physically, I feel like she’s about 10-15 years older than me but she isn’t. I’ve tried everything to get her on the same page as me, and really gave up many years ago, and began to accepted it. It kills me to admit it, but I’m not attracted to her physically. I’m really attracted to petite, fit women, which she was when I married her. I don’t expect her to look like she did so many years ago. But she doesn’t even try to take care of herself or take advice from me. She just gets really defensive. Usually the ”discussion“ turns into an argument or disagreement because she (IMO) makes excuses. Since it never goes anywhere, I don’t even bring it up anymore. So...advice? Anyone else in this situation? By the way, I do love her with all my heart and we’re compatible in many other ways.


Ok...lets start with the easy ones...

Is she primary childcare provider?
Do you travel for work she she stays home all day?
Do you cook or do dishes or laundry? 

What is the exact balance of chores, kids, life etc in your household?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

"Wife, I'm not attracted to you anymore, and I feel like we might be compatible. That worries me because I love you with all my heart and in many other ways we are compatible, but this is really bothering me."

Don't try to tell her what to do. Instead, tell her how you honestly feel.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Yeah, the I'm not attracted to you anymore will really go over well.........

OP what are we talking here? 30 pounds heavier than when you got married or just not tone? Instead of talking at her have you tried to involve her in fun activities like taking hikes with you? or playing a game like tennis? Dancing is many girls favorites and great for getting toned.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I'm older, early 50's instead of late 40's and married younger. Over the past two years, maybe three, I've completely wrecked my ability to be active. Last year I walked 10,000 steps every day for months. This year I hurt for a day if I do 10,000 in a day. 5 years ago I swam a mile every week. Now I haven't even taken out my kayak. And it's all depression. I just don't want to do anything.
I like @Anastasia6 's idea to disguise exercise as something she likes to do. I liked to swim, and I liked to hike. I walked off season so I could hike in season. It was good to have something to plan for. Now I have no plans. There is little I enjoy doing. Some days I go and talk to my geriatric mother. I feel better after doing that. I do some yard work. 
When I go home I don't want to be there. I don't want to see what is going on. 
I guess I know that my wife isn't attracted to me. I don't exercise to make her happy, or attracted. I do it to feel good and be able to hike and kayak.
I kind of hope this is too much truth for @JohnK


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Ever hear of a guy who just loves it and finds it wildly arousing when he loads the dishwasher and his wife comes over to tell him how he's doing it wrong and what he needs to do to get it "right"? Yeah, me neither. 

OP, nagging is almost never sexy. And if you're trying to instruct your wife on how to be better, then you're very likely coming off to her like a nagging mom. Which, again, is NOT sexy. It also causes resentment, which isn't sexy either.

"Instructing" your partner in what they "should" be doing - according to you - is _always_ a losing proposition. It breeds resentment, feels disrespectful, causes frustration, lessens emotional connection and drives down sex appeal - for both partners. So stop.

Instead, as was suggested above, start getting your wife (and family) to be more active with you. Take her dancing. Go for a walk after dinner every night. Go spend the weekend at the lake swimming and playing in the water. In other words, make activity a more central part of your lives together. Also, start cooking healthier meals at home. Don't serve them with a side of gleeful superiority or nutritional instruction "for her own good". Just cook healthier stuff that's yummy more often. 

And if your immediate reaction to the thought of planning activities for the family or cooking is "that's not my job!" then there are FAR more problems in your marriage than your middle-aged wife's middle-aged body. 

I'm going to recommend a book to you. _Lovebusters_ by Willard Harley. It explores the idea that there are things we do - mostly without realizing it - that cause love to drain out of our marriages. Read it and do the work. You may find your wife is more amenable to hearing you when you aren't approaching her with disrespectful judgements.


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## vincent3 (May 31, 2018)

How overweight is she? Is it to the point of looking like a health concern? Is her family similarly overweight?

For some people, fitness is a lifestyle. If one spouse lives for it and the other spouse is content to let themselves go, that will likely become a compatibility issue.

Her lack of self-maintenance is her responsibility. You can certainly be unhappy about her letting herself go, but be careful not to be overbearing about it. I'd just tell her that you're concerned about how she has let herself go, and about her indifference to the obvious consequences that it can have on your relationship.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

JohnK said:


> I don’t expect her to look like she did so many years ago. But she doesn’t even try to take care of herself.


I think it is fairly universal in relationships that if one person stops taking care of him/herself that it makes them rather unattractive to a spouse.

I think there is likely a biological instinct that if someone is engaging in behavior that will shorten/reduce their quality of life, such as not caring for themselves, that it raises a red flag. 

This notion may allow you to shift away from your wife's physical appearance and more towards her having a problematic mental state that needs attention/nurturing. It is important to not place blame or point her out as a problem, but perhaps ask if these issues are a symptom of something else that needs attention. 

Also think of diet, exercise, and sleep as if they are all interleaved. If she refuses to work on one, then shift to helping her with another that is a less sensitive topic. Improving sleep will help her feel more like exercising. Improving sleep and exercise will help reduce stress which can help her control her appetite. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I have lost count of the number of men who claim they look much younger than their age. I think that most of them LIKE to think that. 
It sounds as if you may be slight OCD about fitness, and she is probably fairly normal. She doesn't have to be the same as you, or to like doing the same things as you.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Express her how you feel and ask her what made her come to this lifestyle. Listen to her feelings first and maybe understand the core problem. 

It can be really frustrating to lose the physical attraction for your partner. 

Btw, how's your sex life?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> I have lost count of the number of men who claim they look much younger than their age. I think that most of them LIKE to think that.
> It sounds as if you may be slight OCD about fitness, and she is probably fairly normal. She doesn't have to be the same as you, or to like doing the same things as you.


Isn't that the truth. Every time I hear that from someone I think no you don't....you may look great but if you stand next to someone that IS materially younger it'll be obvious who's younger.

But I can understand wanting one's spouse to keep themselves. However...."instructing" her accomplished nothing beyond making one look like a pompous jerk and creating a parent child relationship. In fact, this attitude is probably making things worse.

Leave her alone and she may make the decision to do better for herself.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

My ex told me he was not attracted to me anymore. Yes, I'd gained weight since we got married, so did he. I had/have chronic medical conditions that make it incredibly difficult not to gain weight, much less to lose! I've had major surgery twice, yet I still managed to lose it, I'm currently in that process again, ugh. Did that matter? No. He still felt he looked younger than people his age (he doesn't) and I looked old (I don't), we look good for our age, but anyone telling themselves they look 20 at 40+ is a damned liar. 

It turns out that the reason he stopped being attracted to me was that he took up with his 19 y/o former employee, it had nothing to do with me at all. I was depressed about his coldness towards me and it made me never want to go anywhere, do anything, and certainly didn't leave me with energy to WANT to exercise. I'm not suicidal, but I was so depressed, I actually believed it would have been better for me to die on the operating table than to come back to a depressing life.

Just tell your wife the truth, and part ways if that's the way it will be and move on. It's much kinder than to kill someone's spirit in increments and think you're doing them a favor. Btw, since my divorce, I have dated very attractive men within my age range, though younger men have asked me out (20's & 30's), so I can't be looking THAT terrible. Now that life no longer seems limited, I've been eating better, sleeping better, and exercising as much as my pain will allow. My current bf is more attractive and in better shape than my ex, ironically. 

Please don't mistake me, I am not trying to attack you, I just want you to understand how your wife may be feeling, I understand men pride themselves more on having attractive spouses, especially when they themselves are well-kept. Nothing is wrong with that, be honest, to her and with yourself what you want and act on that. You know in your heart what you want to do, expressing your concerns to a forum of strangers is simply a test-run for the inevitable. Just be kind about it, your actions have a way of coming back to you in ways you least expect.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

TXTrini said:


> I just want you to understand how your wife may be feeling,


You and his wife might not be under the same circumstances.
You gained weight because of medicines, not because of lack of willingness and desire to work on yourself. ... and even under those circumstances you TRIED to look as good as you could - unlike OP's wife. 

OP is willing to make his wife see a different viewpoint, while your ex already had someone else on his mind and brought up your weight gain as an excuse.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

lovelygirl said:


> You and his wife might not be under the same circumstances.
> You gained weight because of medicines, not because of lack of willingness and desire to work on yourself. ... and even under those circumstances you TRIED to look as good as you could - unlike OP's wife.
> 
> OP is willing to make his wife see a different viewpoint, while your ex already had someone else on his mind and brought up your weight gain as an excuse.


I know we are not under the same circumstances. Depression can lead to self-neglect and make you not want to try. My ex may have felt similarly to the OP earlier on. I'm not blaming myself for his affair, but I think he was too "nice" to tell me his true feelings and ended up taking the coward's way out knowing it was a dealbreaker for me. I may be completely wrong.

At the end of the day, none of that matters. All one can do is be honest, with themself and their loved ones and do what must be done however hard it is or live with it and wallow in self-pity.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> I have lost count of the number of men who claim they look much younger than their age. I think that most of them LIKE to think that.


LOL...how right you are.

I've always said - and continue to say - that most men don't own mirrors.

When online dating 10 years ago, I had a guy contact me who looked fairly old for his stated age of 55 on his profile. But guys who look old enough to be my father just weren't my thing so I wasn't interested. In the course of some back and forth messages, he actually admitted to me that he was really 67 years old but had put 55 in his profile because that's how old he 'looks.'   

LOL, sure he looked 55. Anything that gets you through the night, I guess.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I've only met _one_ guy in my entire life who really really and truly looked a lot younger than he was, in all ways. It had started to come apart in his late 50s though. His neck and eye skin caught up with him, and some "older" body changes, despite being in really good shape.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I read long ago (can’t remember where) that many men just don’t see reality in their mirror. I’ve run across enough of them to believe it. Sometimes I wonder who‘s really the most vain.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> LOL...how right you are.
> 
> I've always said - and continue to say - that most men don't own mirrors.
> 
> ...


Girl, I had some men who were in their 50's and 60's wanting to date me. That's just the age they CLAIMED to be, they looked more 60-70's, so maybe they lied, like the ones you encountered. Delusional was the first thing that came to my mind, there's no way I was going to date that much older, I'd be single first. The sicker part was they all told me I looked much younger than 40, so that made it all the more cringeworthy. 



Openminded said:


> I read long ago (can’t remember where) that many men just don’t see reality in their mirror. I’ve run across enough of them to believe it. Sometimes I wonder who‘s really the most vain.


My ex was extremely vain. He freaked out when I pointed out some greys, that he was finally catching up to me. Straight on **** fit. I haven't bothered to dye mine yet since I'm less than 5% grey, it just seemed to not be worth it, at the moment my hair is waist length.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Yes. What every spouse wants. A Drill Instructor for a husband or wife.


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## vincent3 (May 31, 2018)

He said that people often tell him he looks younger than his chronological age, so there's probably something to it. I think a better way to put it is that he looks better than what most people think a person of his age looks like. 

I don't see anything in his post that indicates his desire to stay in shape is driven by a mental condition, or that he's being overbearing. He said he has given up. He's just unhappy with her lack of effort to attend to some common-sense maintenance. She doesn't have to be all about the fitness scene. Just make healthy eating choices and walk a few times a week.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Rowan said:


> Ever hear of a guy who just loves it and finds it wildly arousing when he loads the dishwasher and his wife comes over to tell him how he's doing it wrong and what he needs to do to get it "right"? Yeah, me neither.


Oh, I was similarly helpful with Batman on the weekend, when he made us coffee! ahem.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Marduk said:


> "Wife, I'm not attracted to you anymore, and I feel like we might be compatible. That worries me because I love you with all my heart and in many other ways we are compatible, but this is really bothering me."
> 
> Don't try to tell her what to do. Instead, tell her how you honestly feel.


Perhaps slightly different wording... but I'm onboard with expressing how you feel. 
Granted, I also appreciate being told straight-up what's going on.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

TXTrini said:


> Just tell your wife the truth, and part ways if that's the way it will be and move on. It's much kinder than to kill someone's spirit in increments and think you're doing them a favor.


Wow, I could have reached through the screen to hug you, TX.

Valid points raised from your own experience.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Livvie said:


> I've only met _one_ guy in my entire life who really really and truly looked a lot younger than he was, in all ways. It had started to come apart in his late 50s though. His neck and eye skin caught up with him, and some "older" body changes, despite being in really good shape.


And really, what's wrong with looking one's age!
I know you're not saying otherwise though, Livvie.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> LOL...how right you are.
> 
> I've always said - and continue to say - that most men don't own mirrors.
> 
> ...


There was some idiot in the Netherlands that tried to sue to get his age changed from 69 to 49 because, among other reasons, he'd get more tinder hits. He felt he had a great face and the body of a god 😂

He looked ok for a guy of almost 70. Not great....ok.

He claimed he couldn't get any responses at 69....we all know that's likely because he thinks he's entitled to women under 50.

The court said no.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

JohnK said:


> But she doesn’t even try to take care of herself or take advice from me. She just gets really defensive. Usually the ”discussion“ turns into an argument or disagreement because she (IMO) makes excuses. Since it never goes anywhere, I don’t even bring it up anymore. So...advice? Anyone else in this situation? By the way, I do love her with all my heart and we’re compatible in many other ways.


Similar boat. Some men (myself included) strive to push and challenge myself, trying to improve myself we want to be coached and be better because we owe it to ourselves and our spouse to be the best version of ourselves. I’ve spent my whole life putting myself in situations where I was forced to “sink or swim” or I wanted to improve myself for my own self-esteem. My wife is the opposite. She has her comfort zone and due to her father and boys growing up loathes criticism and is ensconced in her comfort zone. She admits that she wants to “fly under the radar” to avoid being noticed, criticized or be vulnerable period. 

A few points

1) Most women hate criticism from men, especially those with low self-esteem and from men close to them. Since they are judging each other all day about everything and feel they don’t measure up, the last thing they want is it coming from you. My wife’s low self-esteem and lack of confidence is a huge turn-off. 

2) At this age, her testosterone is dropping off and along with it comes drive (sexual or otherwise), confidence, energy, etc. Also, brings on depression and anxiety if too low. Weight comes on quicker and a slow metabolism piles on.

3) It’s most likely that you are compatible physically but you just aren’t attracted to her attitude. I’m similar to you in that I’m attracted to the same type but not necessarily for the physical part but for what it represents... drive, dedication, focus, etc. When men “give up” professionally, women have the same frustrations. Most aren’t attracted to lazy men. It’s just one is considered misogynistic and the other justifiable. Porn use, bad hygiene, obesity, poor work ethic, terrible parenting, being a sports-a-holic, substance addiction... ARE NOT attractive to women. It’s not a physical thing it’s an attitude thing.

I think what is lost in all this is that while there a right to unconditional love there is NOT the right to unconditional attraction. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you get to stop offering something worth desiring. Everyone has faults and we are expected to accept those but we don’t have to feel obligated to be attracted to those faults.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> There was some idiot in the Netherlands that tried to sue to get his age changed from 69 to 49 because, among other reasons, he'd get more tinder hits. He felt he had a great face and the body of a god 😂
> 
> He looked ok for a guy of almost 70. Not great....ok.
> 
> ...


This one brought a smile and a laugh.😊


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

heartsbeating said:


> Wow, I could have reached through the screen to hug you, TX.
> 
> Valid points raised from your own experience.


Thank you, darling. I'm doing much better these days, although I'm still working on losing the weight. I wouldn't say no to a hug, Lord knows it's been hard starting over with no social circle. 

My bf met me at my worst and he's found me attractive from the get-go, so it's nice not to have the pressure of disapproval. (I've lost a few and gotten fitter in the months since we started dating). Even if he weren't in the picture, I'm doing this for me.


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## JohnK (Mar 23, 2019)

aaarghdub said:


> Similar boat. Some men (myself included) strive to push and challenge myself, trying to improve myself we want to be coached and be better because we owe it to ourselves and our spouse to be the best version of ourselves. I’ve spent my whole life putting myself in situations where I was forced to “sink or swim” or I wanted to improve myself for my own self-esteem. My wife is the opposite. She has her comfort zone and due to her father and boys growing up loathes criticism and is ensconced in her comfort zone. She admits that she wants to “fly under the radar” to avoid being noticed, criticized or be vulnerable period.
> 
> A few points
> 
> ...


Thank you. This is a really good reply to my post. I agree and relate to a lot of what you said.


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