# Silent Treatment by Wife.. Newly Married



## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

Hello (I apologize in advance for the long windedness… trying to give a complete picture is all to help understand histories etc)

I have a very storied relationship history, and much too long to jump into here. The highlights to help with understanding where I've come from and who I am:

I was married at 21 years old for 6 years to my 1st wife. We had 2 beautiful daughters who we currently have joint custody over and the relationship is amiable. She's remarried and has no kids. We co-parent as well as can be expected. Girls are A and B students and well adjusted. I was a pretty lousy husband, and while I never had sex with other women, being on the Police Force allowed me to do everything but. We had problems in the marriage from day 1, where she went silent on me for 3 months and I basically checked out and started chatting with other women. I realized i was a loser husband in year 4 and changed my ways, but she had already gotten a BF in year 4 and kept the BF for 2 years behind my back while we went to therapy...needless to say, that ended our relationship when I found out she was still sleeping with him for 2 years. The girls were 2 and 4 when we divorced.

I remarried within a year of the 1st divorce. All my friends and family said not to, but I was scared to death to try to raise kids alone as a single father. That relationship was a disaster. On day 3, she said she made a mistake and wanted out. It took a few months and we parted ways. Messy but she was very abusive emotionally. My family (they are deeply involved in my life) couldn't be happier to see us done.

I dated a girl for 3 years. It was great, but I didn't want to marry her as I saw trends of the 1st 2 relationships and she moved away for work... enough said.

I met my current wife (Half Thai/Half Chinese) after about a year of being single causally dating. We immediately clicked. It was amazing. She was divorced with no kids after 9 years of a loveless marriage. I soon realized that my wife didn't like conflict and responded to the slightest sign of it with pushing people away. I saw her leave her friends who she fought with, her family (Still in Thailand, not the US) who disagreed with her, and it was a common theme. Very early on, we broke up from the "Walls" she would build for a couple weeks. We got back together and things were fantastic.

My daughters adore her, and I have never loved anyone more. I treat her like a princess and really want nothing more than to make her happy in life. She has had a tremendously hurtful past, filled with pain, including her mother dying of cancer when she was 13, and her twin sister being killed in a car wreck at age 17, in which my wife was driving the car. She had a VERY physically abusive BF before she met me. Way too long to get into, but so much that it took a year before she wouldn't flinch when I would reach to hold her hand. Her heart, when she allows me in, is the biggest I’ve ever seen. 

So her Doctor had told her that she wasn't able to have kids. less than a 1% chance. So this past July we found out she was pregnant! Guess the good doc didn't know how strong my sperm were right?  Anyways, being a gentleman, I quickly proposed and we got married in October in the islands. 

So now, we've been married 4 months, and she's 6 months pregnant. I absolutely adore her, and want nothing more than to have a family together. However, often times (usually 2x a month) she gets upset with me and goes into the babies room and locks the door and won't talk to me for 3 days. Then she comes out, and all is supposed to be fine. She never apologizes and it's always my fault. I never raise my voice, and always quickly apologize if I am rude etc. I have come a long ways, let me just say from when I was 22 years old! 

She currently is super mad and the only 2 things she has said the past 3 days is she wants a divorce and she's done. She hasn’t eaten in 2 days, which is very strange as well. I’ve cooked her food and she rejects it. 

I don't know what do to. I'm trying to find a local counselor who is bi-lingual, but Thai/English doesn't seem to be a strong industry for marriage therapy! She is almost fluent in English, but often doesn't get the finer points of the language and is hard for her to express her emotions in English I feel. (She's brilliant and speaks 7 languages)

I told her that Divorce is not an option and have been trying to push through her silence like in the past... but this time she won't give the time of day.

I realize it's immaturity and borderline abusive, but the last thing I ever want is to have to raise a child again in a divorce, especially a newborn. 

What should I say or do to help this situation?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

MrNightly said:


> I was a pretty lousy husband, and while I never had sex with other women, being on the Police Force allowed me to do everything but. We had problems in the marriage from day 1, where *she went silent on me for 3 months* and I basically checked out and started chatting with other women.
> 
> I remarried within a year of the 1st divorce. All my friends and family said not to, but I was scared to death to try to raise kids alone as a single father. That relationship was a disaster.
> 
> ...


I'll give you credit for being consistent. You marry women who refuse to speak to you when things aren't going their way. 

I have absolutely no idea whatsoever what being on the police force has to do with you doing "everything but" having sex with other women when you were married to your previous wife.

You jump into relationships too soon. It seems you marry women who are a bad match. What is the one thing that is the same in all these situations? YOU.

You have a big problem. You are on your third marriage, and it sounds rather crappy to me. Are you here for advice? If so, what would you like us to tell you? My only advice is you need to get into some very serious MC. If your current wife won't go, then you need to get into IC for yourself. I dunno ... it sounds to me like you just keep jumping from the fire into the boiling pot ...


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

I think this is a common way of dealing with conflict for Asian women, unfortunately. Their avoidance of conflict is sometimes closely tied with the concept of "face". For some reason, your criticism of her or an argument might be a sort of public shaming that is just too confrontational in her culture. It's very hard for Westerners to understand--we like to air it all out. 

In the Philippines, this silent-treatment behavior is called "tampo" and is well-documented. I'd encourage you to do some research on "tampo" (and whatever the Thai equivalent is), and see how other Westerners have dealt with it.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

Prodigal said:


> I'll give you credit for being consistent. You marry women who refuse to speak to you when things aren't going their way.
> 
> I have absolutely no idea whatsoever what being on the police force has to do with you doing "everything but" having sex with other women when you were married to your previous wife.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the reply. 

I merely mentioned the police force, because it was very common in my city, to go hang out with the "Guys" after each shift at a local bar. I never did that before I was on. If you didn't "Hang out" you weren't accepted. I was too young to know better and gave in to peer pressure. Hence one of the reasons I got off the force.

I believe I did have the problem you mention, jumping from one relationship to another when I was younger. I went through extensive counseling and the person I am today in my mid 30's is nowhere near the person I was in my early 20's. Isn't that true of all of us? 

And regarding marrying the same type of women, I'm not sure that applies here. My first wife didn't talk because she was immature and didn't know how to handle a true relationship. She grew out of it. Didn't have that issue with the 2nd. The 3rd it could be a storied past, or an ethnic thing... not sure yet.

That's why I was asking for other thoughts from a relationship forum...


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

Tatsuhiko said:


> I think this is a common way of dealing with conflict for Asian women, unfortunately. Their avoidance of conflict is sometimes closely tied with the concept of "face". For some reason, your criticism of her or an argument might be a sort of public shaming that is just too confrontational in her culture. It's very hard for Westerners to understand--we like to air it all out.
> 
> In the Philippines, this silent-treatment behavior is called "tampo" and is well-documented. I'd encourage you to do some research on "tampo" (and whatever the Thai equivalent is), and see how other Westerners have dealt with it.


I have been looking online... i'm not really sure this applies here. Wooing has been met with extreme rejection from her. She flat out told me, no more cards or flowers and throws them in the trash when I give them to her when she's on her Silent Treatment run... 

Tampo appears to be more of a invitation to win back their trust... apologize once, show you love them, and they will come back around. I actually understand this completely, and it makes a lot of sense. I just don't know if it applies to her. She's fairly westernized and has lived in the States for 7+ years now (plus her first husband was a white guy too)

I'll continue to research on it though. Thank you for the tip!


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

Counselling, cultural differences, HORMONES. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Tatsuhiko said:


> I think this is a common way of dealing with conflict for Asian women, unfortunately. Their avoidance of conflict is sometimes closely tied with the concept of "face". For some reason, your criticism of her or an argument might be a sort of public shaming that is just too confrontational in her culture. It's very hard for Westerners to understand--we like to air it all out.
> 
> In the Philippines, this silent-treatment behavior is called "tampo" and is well-documented. I'd encourage you to do some research on "tampo" (and whatever the Thai equivalent is), and see how other Westerners have dealt with it.


I agree. I know a woman from Thailand very well and she basically has no friends or family left. She has pushed us all away whenever her failings are brought to light. 

IIWY, I'd go to therapy by myself to learn healthy coping skills. Your IC should be able to teach you ways to react.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Counselling. And soon.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Read up on passive aggression. The silent treatments are her way of punishing you. Push for MC and if she won't go, then seek out IC for yourself. Your counselor should be able to give you some tools to use on how to deal with the PA behavior. Otherwise, you'll be walking on eggshells around her for the rest of your marriage and that's probably exactly what she wants you to do however you'll be miserable.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

xMadame said:


> Counselling, cultural differences, HORMONES.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Cultural differences, personality disorders, projecting, insecurity... 

I suggest you play a bit of hardball and either work together to address things via competent counseling or go your ways. It rarely gets better on its own.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

turnera said:


> I agree. I know a woman from Thailand very well and she basically has no friends or family left. She has pushed us all away whenever her failings are brought to light.
> 
> IIWY, I'd go to therapy by myself to learn healthy coping skills. Your IC should be able to teach you ways to react.


Spot on. I'm going to try to track down a counselor who specializes in Asian/White relationships and can help me know how to better show my wife the love she needs... I just hope she doesn't really want a divorce like she said yesterday! I read a lot as well... any body have books on this topic that might be beneficial?

I mean, we are 100% in agreement on money, household responsibilities, raising kids, entertainment, sex... i'm telling you, we can have the best relationship in the world, then on a dime, she turns silent! Sometimes I know why (A slight disagreement etc like this last time) but sometimes there isn't any logical (male logic of course) reason why it happened and i'm left thinking, wtf mate?


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

john117 said:


> Cultural differences, personality disorders, projecting, insecurity...
> 
> I suggest you play a bit of hardball and either work together to address things via competent counseling or go your ways. It rarely gets better on its own.


There's a baby girl on the way... i don't want to just go our own ways.

When I tried hardball in the dating phase (which i mentioned in OP and we seperated/broke up for a little bit at the very beginning) it didn't work at all. She's a runner, not a fighter when it comes to relationships.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I get that your wife has her own issues, but you're on marriage number 3 and it's not going well.

You are the common factor.

Please elaborate on what you mean when you tell her that divorce is not an option. How is it that you get to decide that by yourself?

You both need lots of counseling.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

lifeistooshort said:


> I get that your wife has her own issues, but you're on marriage number 3 and it's not going well.
> 
> You are the common factor.
> 
> ...


Well, I was raised that you don't have a back door to marriage... otherwise when the going get's tough, you bolt! That's what I mean, by Divorce is not the answer. 

Yes, I realize I play a huge part in the issues... I continue to seek guidance and improvement of my personal being, to be the best husband I can be. If you looked at me from Marriage 1 to now, you'd see a huge difference. I used to get angry, have fights, etc to prove my points. I now always try to self-analyize first about what I can do better. I'm far from perfect, but my training has helped bring me along a ton in regards to patience, loving responses, dying to self, putting her needs above mine, etc etc.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

A book to understand you...Getting The Love You Want.

A book to understand her...Emotional alchemy.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

MrNightly said:


> Well, I was raised that you don't have a back door to marriage... otherwise when the going get's tough, you bolt! That's what I mean, by Divorce is not the answer.
> 
> Yes, I realize I play a huge part in the issues... I continue to seek guidance and improvement of my personal being, to be the best husband I can be. If you looked at me from Marriage 1 to now, you'd see a huge difference. I used to get angry, have fights, etc to prove my points. I now always try to self-analyize first about what I can do better. I'm far from perfect, but my training has helped bring me along a ton in regards to patience, loving responses, dying to self, putting her needs above mine, etc etc.



That's good.....that you're seeking to keep improving. 

Imho divorce should always be an option, just an option of last resort. If it's off the table many people get lazy and don't bother with the hard work of keeping a marriage....and why should they if they know their spouse isn't going anywhere?

How often do we see men complain that they knew wife was unhappy but ignored it until she left? Happens all the time. 

You guys do need extra help to deal with the cultural differences, that's an extra issue. I hope you can find someone to help with that.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

lifeistooshort said:


> That's good.....that you're seeking to keep improving.
> 
> Imho divorce should always be an option, just an option of last resort. If it's off the table many people get lazy and don't bother with the hard work of keeping a marriage....and why should they if they know their spouse isn't going anywhere?
> 
> ...


That's a fair way to look at it. Thanks for the additional thoughts.

Yes, the cultural differences are something to consider as well... I've always thought of them as strenghts, two different views of the world. But they also have hurdles that need to be scaled.

The question I am struggling with now:

1) Keep pushing through to her (We went out with her friends on Thursday last week... and we were all laughing and talking and the general conversation turned to silent treatment, and she admitted to everyone that part of her loved it when I pushed through and made her feel loved by my kindness when she was ignoring me, and the other part of her just wanted to punch me in the face...) 

2) Ignore her silence and act like nothing is happening so she doesn't have that "sense of power"

i really don't know which is the best approach. Perhaps my IC will be able to help (once I find an appropriate one with cultural experiences)


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

MrNightly said:


> That's a fair way to look at it. Thanks for the additional thoughts.
> 
> Yes, the cultural differences are something to consider as well... I've always thought of them as strenghts, two different views of the world. But they also have hurdles that need to be scaled.
> 
> ...




It's a good question, and you don't even need to be different nationalities to deal with this.

My hb and I come from much different backgrounds right here in the US. My family fights like cats and dogs while his just ignores issues and pretends they don't exist while they talk about sports and the weather. 

It's something I struggle to deal with, fortunately we don't clash much. 

I've found that I need to focus on my reactions and try to keep my expectations of him reasonable. He's had a lifetime of acting the way he does and I'm not sure what's reasonable to ask.

He has made some progress toward dealing with things and he has had a calming influence on me. 

But we have almost 12 years behind us. Just be prepared for a bumpy ride. 

I can say that I've always been happy with the package that is my husband even if I find him difficult sometimes. Hopefully you and your wife can say the same about each other.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

MrNightly said:


> 2) Ignore her silence and act like nothing is happening so she doesn't have that "sense of power"


This was my IC's advice. Take back your power. Silent treatment is a power struggle - her attempt to subjugate you. It can't work if you don't participate. My IC said if he acts like a child (my husband), then treat him like a child. You don't give in to a kid's temper tantrum, do you? No. You go about your business and as soon as they realize it's not working and come back and talk, then you resume talking to them (reward them). That way, they learn they can't use it any more and they also learn they get the 'prize' only if they treat you with respect.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

MrNightly said:


> I realize it's immaturity and borderline abusive, but the last thing I ever want is to have to raise a child again in a divorce, especially a newborn.
> 
> What should I say or do to help this situation?


She's pregnant. There are some things that will help you, but it may only make it somewhat easier, but not totally make things normal. One of the worst things that you can do is externalize negativity towards her. She might have a very hard time not being very upset while pregnant.




> The question I am struggling with now:
> 
> 1) Keep pushing through to her (We went out with her friends on Thursday last week... and we were all laughing and talking and the general conversation turned to silent treatment, and she admitted to everyone that part of her loved it when I pushed through and made her feel loved by my kindness when she was ignoring me, and the other part of her just wanted to punch me in the face...)
> 
> ...



Neither.

You don't have to ignore her to get through to her. She wins if you get mad at her and she wins if you grovel.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

Just an update here:

So on Monday she calmed down and on Tuesday we drove to Chicago together for work giving us 7 hours in the car together to get caught up. 

I'm happy to report that we now have a much better understanding of each-other. We agreed that she could have 1 day in isolation in the future, but not 4!!! We also agreed that she wouldn't sleep in a room alone when mad and that we shouldn't let the sun go down on our anger toward the other person. It was a very healthy and productive drive and discussion.

I think that people (She specifically) retreat when they feel threatened or hurt and build walls quickly because they think it's the only way to keep from getting hurt. I know I used to do this as well. It takes time and patient loving from a partner to help draw out the strength and self-confidence to calming discuss problems without getting personal. 

Thanks for all the suggestions and comments... I don't have the puzzle solved yet on "overcoming walls" but at least progress was made in our personal walk together.

Happy Friday.


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