# I LOVE MY WIFE..but I been asking the Wrong Question.



## 47963 (Nov 5, 2012)

I have been married for 20 years. In that time I have failed to connect with my wife emotionally and intimately. I have blamed her low interest in sex on all my problems......and totally ignored my responsibility to build the emotional bonds that create a truly intimate relationship between husband and wife. We have a wonderful 15 year old child, who is a credit to both of us...but especially my wife. 

I have been advised to (and seriously considered) separation....but one point I keeps coming back to, ”I love my wife, she is the love of my life”. Even now when I chat with her I see flickers of the woman I met and fell in love with 25 years ago, my heart melts and I feel sad, sad because I let the relationship drift, I got distracted, took for her granted and damaged the most valuable thing in my life...the love I have for my wife. By extension I have had a life without intimacy which has made me an incomplete adult.

She has stood by me all these years, as I worked excessive hours, paid her little to no attention and stonewalled her attempts to reach out. I detached myself emotionally from her. Found satisfaction in years of masturbation rather than wooing her. I have grown middle aged, selfish, grumpy, hard and unkind.

And yet she is always there, always interested in my day, wanting my company, wants to hold my hand, wants to be my best friend.......I now realised that I have been a fool, and see that I am extremely fortunate to be sharing my life with this woman....I need to fix this marriage, and give her the husband she deserves....and in return all I need is her love and intimacy....

At this stage I know I have deeply damaged her love and trust. She sees my renewed interest as a desire for sex and sex alone. She has some issues with intimacy, but rather than me being patient and kind, I get angry, annoyed....and quiet. 

What I need now is to carefully rebuild the relationship, act by act, day by day...never losing sight of what is truly important....the love of my best friend...this woman who for some reason believes in me, and continues to share her life with a man whom she believes does not care anymore.

I would welcome people’s opinion and guidance on how I approach this....as I share my journey, and hopefully reach the heights of love, than only a truly connected couple can... 

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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

You sound a lot like my husband and the anger I feel towards him some days is breathtaking. Yes he's back emotionally, physically but I want to know where the hell was he for 20 years?

And you think you have the right to be angry when you are the one who stonewalled your wife, put her on the back burner, ignored her, took her for granted, etc.? Seriously? What you want to just check back in like nothing happened? Really?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I do not in any way disagree with the tone and content of Mavash's post. However, if you are serious about making changes to reconnect, then I highly recommend the books _His Needs, Her Needs _ and _Love Busters_, both by Willard Harley. Don't just read them, actually do as they suggest - the worksheets, the amount of quality time, all of it. 

Make actual changes. Don't just sound better or think better. _Do_ better.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I should clarify I contributed to my marital problems but I've worked for the past 10 years to fix it and angry probably isn't a good word. I'm hurt. I'm hurt that I was put on the back burner, hurt that he blocked me out, hurt that he chose work over me, hurt that he didn't care, hurt that he checked out and detached from me when all I wanted was for him to love me.

It's really hard to feel like the man you love and adore doesn't care about you.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Have you ever just sat down and told her all of this? She has stuck with you through all of this. You might just get back into her heart if she knew exactly how much truly loved her.

I know that I would melt if my husband was to say all this with an I love you and a would you marry me again.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> And you think you have the right to be angry when you are the one who stonewalled your wife, put her on the back burner, ignored her, took her for granted, etc.? Seriously? What you want to just check back in like nothing happened? Really?


Its a fair point. Many people who put work and daily living ahead of their married relationship reach the point you have.
Suddenly you, for what ever reason wake up and think that for X years Ive dont this and that and been only 50% of a husband (when considering what is expected of the rounded husband as an individual). Now you want to get that all back..... Aint going to happen just like that. Your W has, by your own admission stood beside you throughout, been the dutyful wife and it appears has been faithful to you. Now you want to change the life style. You wife needs to know what youve discovered. She needs to see what youve said here, youve blamed many issues on her low sex drive. When you marry you can expect issue to evolve. Some are of a sexual nature. Consider this. Swop places and put yourslef in a low sexual demand position and your wife in the high demand. Would you want her to treat you like youve stated here? I doubt it.

Sometimes, and I say this expecting some comments on it, you marry, you have a great sex life at first then it just naturally eases off. You either put in demands and make the partner feel threatened as they are low and you high demand, you work together to try and get a mutually acceptable level of satisfaction or you part. In the majority people will come to a mutal agreement whe they love each other. There are marridges where accident and illness have caused high low balance to become part of everyday life. These people still have to work at it.
Youve decided to kick start your marridge again and it appears that you have not involved your W in what this is all about. If youve been in a disengaged situation and suddenly re-engage its not all supprising that your wife sees this as a "lets get laid" scenario. Have you thought of starting this all off with the dating process, re-win your W's heart and mind, start showing her in small ways that you are still interested in her, have you even mentioned this want to recapture her?. If youve just decided we're marriied therefore its as it used to be then you really have messed it up big time. She has to a degree made a life stye of her own which has you on the outer edges and not centre of her world. Try talking in a mindful manner and see if its actually what she wants - you may be supprised by her responses


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## lovingthrill (Sep 17, 2012)

Tell her everything you wrote. Tell her as often as you can. 

I can relate to your post, my situation sounds similar. In fact I almost thought it was him posting this! 

We realized that we did not talk about anything that mattered anymore, and once we started it was like the flood gates opening and we haven't stopped. And honestly, in the 2 months since I feel more of a desire for him because I feel so connected. Of course there are bumps, but we handle those by communicating now and so they are not so big. 

He told me that he was not going to give up on me as long as I did not give up. And when I do not have the desire we talk about it and why, I have some medical issues that interfere that in the past I have been too closed mouth about and he took my lack of desire as not loving him. 

It sounds to me like you have a strong foundation, it is just a bit cracked and in need of repair. To repair I think sitting down and having a heart to heart…and then keep having those discussions for the rest of your lives about everything in it. That is my plan.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

vitality....I was very moved by your post. I hope you are able to rebuild with your wife. Please keep us posted on your progress.


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## 47963 (Nov 5, 2012)

Yes...I will talk carefully...this is a journey...these are baby steps..
I have been a great provider materially, and master of the big gesters.....but poor at the smaller one. 

Thou I have no interest out side of home & work. And all my spare time is spent with her....but we never communicated properly...

I have started...she is confused....but at least we are begining...


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

vitality said:


> I would welcome people’s opinion and guidance on how I approach this....as I share my journey, and hopefully reach the heights of love, than only a truly connected couple can...


My humble advice would be to start dating your wife. Set aside regular date nights, you make all the plans and arrangements. Take her to nice places and fun activities and make sure to remember your manners


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## notperfectanymore (Mar 1, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> vitality....I was very moved by your post. I hope you are able to rebuild with your wife. Please keep us posted on your progress.


:iagree:


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> You sound a lot like my husband and the anger I feel towards him some days is breathtaking. Yes he's back emotionally, physically but I want to know where the hell was he for 20 years?
> 
> And you think you have the right to be angry when you are the one who stonewalled your wife, put her on the back burner, ignored her, took her for granted, etc.? Seriously? What you want to just check back in like nothing happened? Really?


You must of missed his previous post. She's denied him sex for the last 10 years. Before that she has allowed him 5 times prior.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

vitality, one thing to consider is that as a guy, you connect with your wife largely through sex, and after seeing your previous thread, it sounds like your wife is just not in a sexual mindset. She is effectively denying you your most effective mechanism to reach the closeness you are looking for.

I hadn't read your previous post, so I read this one and was amazed at how well thought out and well designed your plan was, and I do think if you do it, you will maximize what you attain in this relationship being the only one trying.

Now that I know the back story, the amount of venom she lashes out with you with, and the ridiculously long sexless marriage, I think you need to ask yourself a serious question... do you love what you guys are in this marriage, or do you love what you think it will become?

Because, it sounds like you are miserable now and she has no designs on changing.

Please think about it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Hi Vitality. I love your post. If more hubbies were that committed I think there'd be far more happy wives.

I highly recommend His Needs Her Needs as was previously suggested. Also by the same author is Love Busters and there's a workbook to accompany them. You should get all 3. My hubby and I are working through them right now as a matter of fact, and just last night we did chapter 3 of His Needs Her Needs, which talks about affection. It sounds like you and your wife would benefit a lot from it.

If your wife will work with you I think you have a great shot at it.


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## 47963 (Nov 5, 2012)

To answer your question...I love what this marraige could become. If we achieve good intimacy, I will be so happy as the daily life we have created will become whole.

I know that I have challenges in my journey...but I own it to myself to give it all I have got to make it succeed....time will tell...but it will be months, not years..

No matter what I end up doing, I love my wife very very much...and I really hope it turns out the way I dream it to be...


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## 47963 (Nov 5, 2012)

I will keep you posted...this is a journey where I need all the support I can muster


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> You must of missed his previous post. She's denied him sex for the last 10 years. Before that she has allowed him 5 times prior.


Oh how I love it when posters don't tell the whole story. He painted her as this great wife and he was completely in the wrong.

I take back what I said. This little nugget changes everything.


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

Vitality I agree with those advising you to talk to your wife and tell her exactly what you've told us. Sometimes humbling ourselves by accepting responsibility for our part in issues helps to break down the 'defensive walls' that may have been erected. 

I also agree you should begin courting your W just like you did back when. Another good book to read "Rekindling the Romance' by Dennis & Barbara Rainey. It's separated into two section His/Hers. Hopefully once you've explained to your W what you've discovered and what you'd like for your relationship to become, she'll be open to doing some/all of the suggested reading and/or workbooks with you. 

Best of luck to you. Please keep us all posted.


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## 47963 (Nov 5, 2012)

I am speaking to my wife ...discussion on my needs agitate her. ...discussionnon us being close draw her in...

she does not like reading books on relationship/marraiges/ self help ....possible because I have been reading them for 12 years ...like Dr Phil, Stephen Covey, Marcus Buckingham etc 

I really have to be basis, gentle and natural with her ...

My fear is I could lose my identity if my intimacy needs are not met ....so goes the merry dance ...

I wil keep you posted...as I find all the comments challenging, supportive and heart warming ..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Finally read your other thread.

Dude there is no way you are ever ever going to fix this. 

Ever.

82% of us think you need to leave according to your poll. What more is there to say?

BTW this wasn't your fault. Not even close.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Can you identify what kicked off this epiphany? It might help if you can articulate that. It may be hard for her to believe it is a genuine effort to reconnect in a loving way.

You first post describing your love for her was beautiful. Especially the part where you say you caught glimpses of the woman you fell in love with. Have you been able to tell her that? 

Her assumption that this is all about sex is a common misunderstanding of male sexuality. Somehow, she needs to understand that men connect intimately to the woman he loves through sex.

It may be best to talk about the reasons for the disconnect and your desire to close the gap without mentioning sex at present. 

Can you change yourself to remind her of the man she fell in love with? Dress and cut your hair stylishly. Exercise and lose weight. Where new colors, act like an independent man with a plan. 

Sounds like she loves you but she does not trust your motives. You have to convince her that you are genuine.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Oh I just read his description of his relationship. Sounds like you two never really connected. Do you think she dislikes sex for some reason? 

I think that a change in her basic nature would be very difficult after all these years. You may have to move on, unfortunately. Sounds like you have been trying for a long time.


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## tonynw (Nov 7, 2012)

you got a keeper there man! she loves you bro, and its never too late to see whats important in your life. step up and be a man.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Your wife was never attracted to you. She still isn't. She tolerated a small amount of sex so you would work hard and provide for you. 

No amount of dating, compliments, gifts, talking will improve that. She is happy to spend your paychecks and blame the bad sex life on you. She just is not attracted to you. And that is why any discussion of sex makes her angry. This is not a solvable problem. 

Like and desire are completely different.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> Your wife was never attracted to you. She still isn't. She tolerated a small amount of sex so you would work hard and provide for you.
> 
> No amount of dating, compliments, gifts, talking will improve that. She is happy to spend your paychecks and blame the bad sex life on you. She just is not attracted to you. And that is why any discussion of sex makes her angry. *This is not a solvable problem.
> *
> Like and desire are completely different.


:iagree:


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

V,
Does your W work? Is she capable of financially supporting herself? If not, how do you plan to get her to be honest with you? 

The reason I ask is this? If she wants/needs your financial support, she is going to blameshift ALL your sexual problems onto you. AND she is going to keep holding out the possible carrot of you two connecting in bed - just to keep your financial support. 

So what is your plan to actually get her to tell you the truth?

Examples:
Healthy truth: If you lasted more than 60 seconds during intercourse I might like it. 

This is a specific thing you could accept, focus on and improve.

Toxic statement - that is just a flat out lie: ALL you care about is sex. 

Dude - if that were true you never would have married her. And you would have left WAY BEFORE 15 years of being without sex passed. The fact you don't just laugh at her obvious lies when she says stuff like this is part of the reason that she does not respect you. And that lack of respect KILLS desire. 








vitality said:


> I will keep you posted...this is a journey where I need all the support I can muster


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

I really don't get how this is the follow-up to your first thread.

In your first post I saw a glimmer of you facing reality when you wrote:

_"My greatest fear is in 15 years time looking back at 2012, and see that I repeated my habits of inaction and complacency, and feel bitter and cheated by life "_

But this new thread makes it clear that you're barking up the wrong tree.

If you think the "inaction and complacency" you fear in anyway concerns fixing your current marriage...I'm afraid that ship has sailed (and it sailed a LONG time ago)

No.

The inaction and complacency that will *rob you of a meaningful 15 more years*...concerns you continuing to make excuses for your wife and staying in this marriage.

Many couples who once had an "intimate connection" and then lose it...are never able to get back to that place....

In your case, you NEVER ever had it with her...

Be Real with yourself.

You really think you can suddenly *create* one after an essentially sexless quarter century?

The answer is No.

Other posters have told you this

I'm sure on some level you realize this....

Why are you refusing to face reality? 

Get out of this marriage.

There is a better relationship out there for you.


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## 47963 (Nov 5, 2012)

"Does your W work? Is she capable of financially supporting herself? If not, how do you plan to get her to be honest with you?"

No my wifes does not work.....I also believe she does love me, but has no clue about imtimacy.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

vitality said:


> I also believe she does love me, but has no clue about imtimacy.


If she hasn't gotten a clue by now it isn't going to happen. It's been 25 years. :scratchhead:


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

She does love you as a friend. 
Except she says you have been a bad friend which is why she doesn't trust your motives. 

She denies you sex for 10-15 years and then says 'all you want is sex' 

That is the funniest line I have ever heard. 

It seems like all she wants is your money. The difference is she fully gets what she wants and you get none of what you want. 

To be fair - she has been honest - she never pretended to like sex with you.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

Of course she loves you. A fondness. A comfortable familiarity. A confidant and partner. We have lots of these--parents, siblings and exceptional friends.

There is a discovery waiting for each, or both of you, that you have not imagined through half of your life.


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## 47963 (Nov 5, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> She does love you as a friend.
> Except she says you have been a bad friend which is why she doesn't trust your motives.
> 
> She denies you sex for 10-15 years and then says 'all you want is sex'
> ...


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## 47963 (Nov 5, 2012)

Cre8ify said:


> .
> 
> There is a discovery waiting for each, or both of you, that you have not imagined through half of your life.


What discovery...do you think it is really possible at this stage?


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

I would consider stirring the pot. Go away for a few days without her to think, and tell her that is what your are doing. Send a message that she should not take the marriage for granted.

Not without risk, but to be honest that is where you are based on your other thread. You are trying to fix things and if it doesn't work you may separate. So give your wife a small taste of what may be coming.


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## 47963 (Nov 5, 2012)

Wazza said:


> I would consider stirring the pot. Go away for a few days without her to think, and tell her that is what your are doing. Send a message that she should not take the marriage for granted.
> 
> Not without risk, but to be honest that is where you are based on your other thread. You are trying to fix things and if it doesn't work you may separate. So give your wife a small taste of what may be coming.


The pot is stirred...she currently feeling very vulnerable...she feels she is being tested...and if it doesnt shape up she will have to ship out (or I will ship out)....

I feel guilty for putting her through this...but I am her beside her if shee needs me...I have been for the past 25 years...


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

vitality said:


> The pot is stirred...she currently feeling very vulnerable...she feels she is being tested...and if it doesnt shape up she will have to ship out (or I will ship out)....
> 
> I feel guilty for putting her through this...but I am her beside her if shee needs me...I have been for the past 25 years...


How is the pot stirred? How do you know?


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## 47963 (Nov 5, 2012)

Wazza said:


> How is the pot stirred? How do you know?


Because she is talking about leaving and having nothing if she doesn't meet the standard I have concocted (her words not mine)

She now is concern that her world is changing ...the begining of the renewal process
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

vitality said:


> Because she is talking about leaving and having nothing if she doesn't meet the standard I have concocted (her words not mine)
> 
> She now is concern that her world is changing ...the begining of the renewal process
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your words suggest she is considering her options. Maybe even a veiled threat that if you push things she'll leave. By going away for a few days you highlight that you have options too.


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## 47963 (Nov 5, 2012)

She has agreed to purchase the book "His needs, Her needs"..so that's progress.

Today I will tell her again that I have felt like an emotional zombie for years ...all I need is for her to validate my feelings..
We are going out tomorrow evening ...and again on Sunday afternoon ...so a lot of carrot and stick at the moment ..

I am not giving up this challenge ...you support and challenging I'd amazing ..thanks

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

vitality said:


> She has agreed to purchase the book "his needs,her needs"..do that's progress.
> Today I will tell her again that I have felt like an emotional zombie for years ...all I need is for her to validate my feelings..
> We are going out tomorrow evening ...and again on Sunday afternoon ...do a lot of carrot and stick at the moment ..
> 
> ...


That's a start. I hope she will understand how important this need is for you.


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## 47963 (Nov 5, 2012)

I am currently reading "No more Mr nice Guy"...One concern with that book ....it can have you focused on fixing yourself....which is all important....but I could end up give my wife a free pass on our issues...

All very nice here today now.....My wife is snuggling up, and beginning to reach out and touch me..

She did say that her friends also had bad sex lives.....I responded we are not them, and we deserved better

She also read some of "His Needs / Her Needs" on line...and said that she understood that sex was a primary male need, but her needs had to be satisfied also....I agreed...so a little progress


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

Great news on the progress! With her being open to help from online sources I'd like to share with you the following links: 

For Men Only

For Women Only


These are interviews with a H & W author team that wrote the books: 'For Men Only' & 'For Women Only'. Hubby and I bought/read the books several years ago and just stumbled on these interviews within the last couple months. What we did was listen to one for each sp daily using that as our daily devotion time. They follow the outline of the book but also offer additional helpful information too. We've even decided to reread the books again. You can find the books on amazon or cdb.com (Christian Discount Books). Hope this helps. and Congrats again on the progress!!!! Keep us posted.


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## 47963 (Nov 5, 2012)

It now a month since I originally posted. In that time I have read “No More Mr Nice Guy”, “His Needs Her Needs”, and “The Married Man’s Sex Primer”.
All have confirmed that I missing out on a most basic human need. I have discussed this with my wife daily, to the point where she feels depressed.

I have been hugging her daily, doing 10 seconds kisses, bought her a vibrator (which she has not used). She like the kisses etc....she feels it my responsibility to work her into a mood, but in my opinion it should not take weeks. Months and years.....why can’t she see my suffering and give me release. I am a good husband, provide well, have no major interest outside the home.... 

I have told her that I have not cum in 7 weeks, and what am I supposed to do...giving her a role of responsibility in my sexual needs. Originally she got angry, but now she seems to pass it off as nothing...as she says her needs are not being met. 

At one level I feel I must keep plugging away with her...hoping she will come around....and at another level I want to get angry with her, tell her that she needs to be an intimate wife....

A part of me tell me she is innocent and has real intimacy issues.....at another level I feel she is playing me for a fool, and has no interest or desire for me, and never will.. .. (how she does like the companionship and financial support)


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Well Vitality, Ive take time out, read back through all the posts and sat here with my head in my hands feeling full empathy with you. There seesm to be little youve not tried outside serious actions that inlcude walking away. I did not one point in the last post. you state youve spoken to her and her response was "as she says her needs are not being met. ". I cannot see what these actually are from what youve posted. EXACTLY WHAT are her needs. Are you digging in there to be specific, it may be more about you pushing her to the point of graphic clarity. But you cannot deliver what you really dont understand what she needs or claims to need. 

There is a point made that it might be a wise thing to go on a short break, put her in the "on your own" step so that she does everything. If you are making her financially comfortable, remove the comfort factor. make she have to do the real world marridge things on her own. Its clear from your post that your trying to move a physical relationship forward but if she sees you as a friend and not a lover its not going to progress anywhere.
I suspect the thing you dont want (understandably) is a marridge break down, I feel now that you are well into that process and a legal representative would see her withdrawl of physical emotion as "unreasonable". It may be time now to start making a life for yourself outside this partnership. I hoep things improve somewhere here for you


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## 47963 (Nov 5, 2012)

Pault...Thank you. Her emotional needs she says are hugs and kisses....she feels I have to make her aroused. She has neve had a orgasm, but blames me for it...I accepted this responsibility, until resently...now understanding that her orgasm, is her responsibility...of couse I would support her and help her achieve it.

This could be heading for seperation...currently she is looking for a job...and I keep applying the pressure for intimacy (and release).

My regret is not pushing this agenda 15 years ago....however I wa a nice guy, who wanted everything to look good in the garden....now I understabnd that life is chotic...just just got to ride it...


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## MindWiringSolutions (Oct 29, 2013)

Try this:

Step 1: Reidentify Yourself as a husband and not as a men. Men need to have sex. Husbands need to make their wives happy no matter what they need. As a husband sex is not a need. 

A soldier in an army will sacrifice his need to live in order to protect people he doesn't even know. Assume the identity of a husband and you can sacrifice your need for sex in order to give your wife what she currently needs and be a real husband. 


Step 2: Celebrate every single day that you are capable of being more than a man. Celebrate that you accomplished being more than sex. 

Step 3: Enjoy your wife for who she is. Completely accept her for who she is.

Step 4: Share yourself completely with her. Which means that you need to be productive and so something with your life. It can be your job or it can be any other accomplishment. 

Do something that you can be proud of. Something that you would want to be remembered for. Accomplish something.

And while you accomplish that thing share her and include her in the process. Tell her about your successes. Tell her about your failures. 

Step 5: Listen out for her insecurities. Found out what she is afraid of. Find out what worries her and make her feel ok. Work on solving her problems. Center your life around solving her problems.

Take this slowly step by step and let me know how things go.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Old thread! 

Vitality hasn't been on this thread in almost a year. His last postings reported that his W moved into another bedroom and asked for D.


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