# 1yr Post DD and here we go again...



## Brianna (Jul 25, 2012)

1yr from DD and just found out things are still going on with the OW, he had a PA with her that went on for probably over 1 yr. He never provided me with all the info so I really don't have a lot of details. Our 20 yr marriage (no kids) had been on the rock for a few years, but throwing that into the mix along with some other personal issues I have been dealing with has really shown me that this is over. Now my problem is this - I found out this week that he is still with her, and i'm having a tough time not confronting him, however, I am planning a few days away next week with my family. People I have confided in have said to wait until i'm back to tell him we're done, but I am just wanting to get it over with so I can enjoy a few days with my family on the beach and totally ease my mind that that part of it is done and will be a stronger individual when I return.

From everyone's experience, what advice can you give me. I appreciate anyone's comments and feedback


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

don't confront with words, confront with D papers


----------



## Seesaw (Jun 5, 2012)

If it is over and given no kids, there is no need to wait. Nothing to gain at all. I would go to my family and leave a note on the table.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Seesaw (Jun 5, 2012)

Agree with AR. That note should be the D papers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Brianna said:


> 1yr from DD and just found out things are still going on with the OW, he had a PA with her that went on for probably over 1 yr. He never provided me with all the info so I really don't have a lot of details. Our 20 yr marriage (no kids) had been on the rock for a few years, but throwing that into the mix along with some other personal issues I have been dealing with has really shown me that this is over. Now my problem is this - I found out this week that he is still with her, and i'm having a tough time not confronting him, however, I am planning a few days away next week with my family. People I have confided in have said to wait until i'm back to tell him we're done, but I am just wanting to get it over with so I can enjoy a few days with my family on the beach and totally ease my mind that that part of it is done and will be a stronger individual when I return.
> 
> From everyone's experience, what advice can you give me. I appreciate anyone's comments and feedback


Hire a detective or get a friend to follow him and snap pix of them together. This is solid proof. 

If you live in a state that allows you to file fault for cheating, then file fault. It will be in your best interest and since the divorce records will say that he cheated he won't be able to blame you later.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Sara8 said:


> Hire a detective or get a friend to follow him and snap pix of them together. This is solid proof.


I guess if you need the evidence, or if you yourself need the closure, this is a good idea. Otherwise, I wouldn't bother gathering any more evidence.

Don't say a word to him - serve him with papers. What is there to talk about??


----------



## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Agreed, you can only give a person so many chances, and I believe your husband has exhausted all of them.


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

What are your intentions post confronting


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Why confront him? Do you think you are going to get some kind of closure? Closure comes from within, coming to terms with the end of the marriage. There's nothing WH can provide you to make it better or help you moving on. Plan your exit, without his interference, talk to a lawyer and follow the advice. You already know what you needed to make a decision, now implement at your adventage, from me the most detached way.

Sorry friend. Next chapter of your life will have better things for you.


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> I guess if you need the evidence, or if you yourself need the closure, this is a good idea. Otherwise, I wouldn't bother gathering any more evidence.
> 
> Don't say a word to him - serve him with papers. What is there to talk about??


If she lives in a state IN THE US where she can file fault, she needs solid proof. 

If she can prove Cheating she will likely get more than half of the assets and a bigger alimony check. 

If it's a no fault state, you still want the cheating on the record, and for that you need proof. 

Irreconcilable differences will be listed otherwise and this may make future prospective boyfriends suspicious that SHE CHEATED.


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Surprised that she has not been advised to expose.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Sara8 said:


> If she lives in a state IN THE US where she can file fault, she needs solid proof.
> 
> If she can prove Cheating she will likely get more than half of the assets and a bigger alimony check.
> 
> ...


Like I said, if she needs the evidence.


----------



## lifeisnotsogood (Jun 11, 2012)

It's sad that you wasted 20 years of your life with this guy. 

I would clean out the joint account by pulling out extra money when you go to the grocery store. Sell a lot of the community property and any gold (cash 4 gold). open up your own bank account with the minimum balance and keep all of the $$$ you raised in cash, either at your parent's house or somewhere he does not have access to. Later, a couple of months down the road, break the news to him that you are leaving him for his continued infidelity and split up the remaining property. Also, buy yourself some nice things on your joint credit cards before you file for separation. he gets to pay half of that too. 

Now's the time to be calculated, not emotional.


----------



## Seesaw (Jun 5, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> Surprised that she has not been advised to expose.


She says it's over. Exposure might be fun but if you don't want R then it loses its purpose.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Seesaw said:


> She says it's over. Exposure might be fun but if you don't want R then it loses its purpose.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


One purpose it serves is to inform the other man/womans spouse. Or, exposing at the cheaters workplace could be a form of revenge too I suppose.


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

lifeisnotsogood said:


> It's sad that you wasted 20 years of your life with this guy.
> 
> I would clean out the joint account by pulling out extra money when you go to the grocery store. Sell a lot of the community property and any gold (cash 4 gold). open up your own bank account with the minimum balance and keep all of the $$$ you raised in cash, either at your parent's house or somewhere he does not have access to. Later, a couple of months down the road, break the news to him that you are leaving him for his continued infidelity and split up the remaining property. Also, buy yourself some nice things on your joint credit cards before you file for separation. he gets to pay half of that too.
> 
> Now's the time to be calculated, not emotional.


These are all marital assets. If she does these things, in the end she will get less because his attorney will want to deduct all these things at settlement. 

It's best not to do this, it makes her look duplicitous. 

If her husband spent money on OW, and she has hired a detective or has proof he did spend money on her. 

That, too, will be deducted at settlement. 

She needs to talk to a lawyer pronto.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Unfortunately Sara8 is right. My best friend went through this. She did take money but what saved her is he did too. Had he not done that she would have been in trouble. He ended up getting a court order restricting her from doing anything else with the money or assets. He was the cheater btw. Justice was NOT fair in her case. She got out but with barely the shirt on her back thanks to him. Being the BS doesn't always mean you automatically win. Unfortunately.


----------



## Brianna (Jul 25, 2012)

Thanks everyone. I am actually in Canada, no reason to hire a detective. Everything is 50/50 so not much I can do to get more. All I want is to get thru this and move on to happier times. I gave him his chance was way too nice the first time around. I think I will drop the bomb on him this weekend and tell him I'm off for a few days and will deal with the lawyer on my return.


----------



## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

With no children, his level of disrespect, and no need for evidence, I think you've got an easy decision. And it sounds like you've made it. Well done.


----------

