# I'm worried my marriage is in trouble



## Elizabethceri (Nov 24, 2019)

I'm new to this sort of thing, so I'll try and be Brief as to what's happened. Hoping for any advice as I am in bits. 

My husband and I have been married 3 years and together 8 years and I honestly thought we were fine.. Maybe a little complacent and sex wasn't as frequent as before but still happy as a couple. Or so I thought.

Going back to 2 weeks ago my husband starting to be really stand offish and not really speaking to me, I was racking my brain because I couldn't figure out what I had done.

Come the Sunday night he finally came out with it and told me how he was feeling. He said he has been miserable and stressed out and thinks he is depressed. 

I was glad he was opening up to me, but I had never seen him in this state before so it's really worried me. 

He went on to say that money issues are causing him stress as I like to book expensive holidays and want to renovate the house.

I can completely understand these worries and said I would stop with the renovations and we can take a break from holidays. 

But he said that's not just it, he's unhappy with everything. He went on to say that he thinks that we are different people who want different things.

Like I want to travel where he doesn't and He wants children where as I don't. I did try saying that I was open to having children now but that didnt seem to work either. 

He just said he's been unhappy for 2 years and is tired of putting a smile on his face for everyone else. He didn't say the words that he is unhappy with me or that he doesn't want to be with me, but I feel like that's what he actually wants to say.

The following day, I was hoping maybe things would be a bit better as he had lifted a weight off his shoulders, but he was still stand offish. He asked me if I had cancelled our planned holidays... I said that I was in the process of doing so. Although I am not happy about this, I am willing to compromise if it means saving my marriage. 

I also noticed all week that he wasn't wearing his wedding ring.. When I confronted him on this, he said it was due to his dry hands with the change in weather. Which may actually be the case, so I was fine. 

He left to go on holidays with his brother yesterday for 2 weeks on a pre planned trip, I thought this would be the perfect opportunity for some space and In a perfect world, he would come back and everything would be OK again.

I noticed when I got home from work that he had forgotten to put his ring back on, which obviously caused some doubts. 

Also while he was in the airport waiting to fly, he's taken down his WhatsApp profile picture, which was a picture of the both of us.

Things like this I would never notice but with everything that has gone on I am analysing everything and it's scaring me.

I've received a text off him tonight on his first night there to say that he is crying In bed and can't sleep and if he wasn't with his brother then he would have got the next flight home.

I said that he's probably tired and over thinking things and for him to throw himself in to this holiday as it may be good for him right now. But he then replied that it wasn't just about the trip and that he was on about everything.

I honestly don't know where to go from here, can I save my marriage? Is it all me or am I dealing with someone who has depression? I have suggest a doctors appointment but he is refusing this so far. I am also Considering couples therapy if I could convince him.

Please, an advice would be much appreciated.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

I do believe that his current emotions, will change again back to his displacement of the marriage. In the 8years together, if it was mentioned his wants and desires for a family since the beginning of the relationship. Maybe he thought you would change your stance, or maybe he see you as high maintenance. Lavish in high options holidays and remodeling the home, or always have something on the burner. And for a man or woman to remove the wedding ring speaks volumes. But his call stating that he would return is not money in the bank. He is thinking is staying with you more pain than without you. 

It will be short lived and because either you or he will be unable or want to change. But the way it sounds the way you wrote your post. Appears that you are the one in position of the power role. And he's just tired of it. He knows that what you say or do change, but it's only for a short time. And he has see you do this over the 8yrs together. I do think he is co-dependent on your relationship and that is not good. Because of this he will change personality's back and forth, to test his true dependency and make the changes he can live with.

I do think if l am describing your relationship correctly? You have this chance to permanently change to someone your husband can see in a different way. Or it will be a short lived return to your arms. In his dreams of his mind children are a part of this. But if you are not genuinely a part this desire to have children, resentment will come to the surface again and wasted years together. 

If anything l am saying rings true, please respond to explain or if l am wrong that would be better. But resentment is a ulgy monster, and has a tendency to return when it's least expected.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Is this the first time the two of you have discussed the things that are bothering him?


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## temet nostre (Oct 10, 2019)

Men in depression are not likely to talk about their emotions, they usually complain about back pain or simulate other physical pain. If he told you he was unhappy, it means he is very bad and you should push him to see a doctor as soon as possible. If you wait it will be even worse. If he really does not want to see the doctor because of depression, tell him that he should do a periodic blood test, or because some other physical illness, just reminds him that he should ask for a prescription for sleeping pills. I think the doctor will recognize what's going on.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

This could go a lot of directions. 

How old are the two of you?
Has he always wanted kids?
How infrequent is the sex? 
How has he been acting with his phone/tablet? Does he guard it more than he used too? Seem to be on it way more?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

He needs an evaluation to see what type of health care professional can help him.

He doesn't sound well on top of the other issues he is complaining about.

This may or may not be an infidelity situation. It is hard to tell because when someone is in distress, they can show signs of an affair. Your husband is showing some of the signs of a cheater but they could be attributed to his mental/emotional state as well.

Mrs. C went through a bad phase several years ago that had me really looking at her because she was exhibiting many signs if infidelity. I found she was simply very stressed out and needed help.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

P.S. you both have some compatibility issues to work through regardless.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Elizabethceri said:


> I'm new to this sort of thing, so I'll try and be Brief as to what's happened. Hoping for any advice as I am in bits.
> 
> My husband and I have been married 3 years and together 8 years and I honestly thought we were fine.. Maybe a little complacent and sex wasn't as frequent as before but still happy as a couple. Or so I thought.
> 
> ...


How sure are you that he is on a holiday with his brother? Guilty men often act in this way. For someone who doesn't like holidays he sure doesn't seem to mind taking off two whole weeks to go off with his brother, something does not add up here.
Taking down his watsapp pic if going on a lads holiday doesn't seem right, more like if he is going with a female companion. 
Seriously check your phone bill, check your house, I am not buying this depression stuff at all. Red flags galore all over the place.
Do you work? If not why not?
Do you not talk about finances, and plan the budget together?
When you started renovations, was he involved in the decision?
Are you controlling?


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

I'm interpreting this as he's depressed about his life situation rather than he has clinical depression. Clinical depression is due to a chemical imbalance in the brain and can often be helped by medication. Situational depression is when he's unhappy about the situation and that's making him depressed. I wouldn't recommend sending him to a doctor for meds until you can discuss this and find out more details about what he thinks is making him depressed.

You mention that sex has not been as frequent as before. Can you provide some specifics about how frequent it is now compared to the past and for how long it has not been frequent? Lack of sex in itself often causes men to feel depressed. It seems that some women can often have little or no adverse feelings about lack of sex, but that is rarer in men. Men often have their identity tied to sex. Without a regular sex life, he may be feeling unloved and it's not surprising that he is saying he is depressed.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Its hard to say if he is genuinely unhappy or if he has met someone else and the excitement of a new relationship had made his normal marriage seem dull in comparison. 
Does he usually take his wedding ring off? If not then that is a big red flag.
Is his bother married? Are you sure they are together?


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

I'm sorry, this must be hard to go through.

It's hard to say if he is just unhappy about something in the marriage or if he is suffering from some psychological problems or both. But in any case, this calls for professional help. It's not too important where you start, if he won't see his doctor, try to get him to marriage counselling. A marriage counsellor will have some radar for whether he needs psychological help and steer him into it.

If he doesn't need psychological help, you should still insist he go to marriage counselling w/ you. It isn't at all fair to you for him to announce such big problems and then show no interest in dealing w/ them.

"Psychological help" has a bad sound to it, but it includes depression which is quite common and has decent results w/ treatment.


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## Elizabethceri (Nov 24, 2019)

I admit that I call the shots a lot, I chose everything in the house. I chose and book all the holidays ect. I would be willing to take a step back though and let him make some decisions.
He always made it clear that he wanted children and I always made it clear that I didn't. I think we both just hoped one of us would change our mind one day. I am definetely more open to starting a family now, we are both turning 30 next year and all our friends are having babies. When I said to him the other day that I was open to having children though that didn't seem to get much of a reaction.
I don't think he is cheating on me, he is too much of a nice quy to do that. And he is definetely on holidays with his brother as I helped them book it and I waved them both off. 
I have a full time job but his income is a lot higher than mine so I do rely on his help a lot and that probably adds pressure?

It's around 2 months now since we last had sex. 

I am definetly going to suggest we attend counselling although I may wait until he is back before suggesting. I just hope he will be up for it. Because at the moment he doesn't seem like he is willing to put effort in at all


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

As others suggest, a visit to the doctor is in order. Could be something physical, or something psychological. Either way, tell him youve noticed a change and have some concerns that a doctor might help with.
Men often manifest depression with anger, distance and physical complaints. Sleep disruption is often present.

Gotta be honest though, barring any health issues this has lots of red flags for cheating.
No ring. Remove couples picture. 2 weeks away. Two months sexless. Hmmm.
Just in case, i would check phone records, browser history and dig around a bit while he's away.

MC would be an option. Maybe he's tired of you always being in charge of things. Some men love it. Some dont.

Many possibilities that need exploring. I would hold off on the baby just a wee bit longer until this situation ripens.


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## HHIAW16 (Aug 27, 2019)

Elizabethceri said:


> I admit that I call the shots a lot, I chose everything in the house. I chose and book all the holidays ect. I would be willing to take a step back though and let him make some decisions.
> He always made it clear that he wanted children and I always made it clear that I didn't. I think we both just hoped one of us would change our mind one day. I am definetely more open to starting a family now, we are both turning 30 next year and all our friends are having babies. When I said to him the other day that I was open to having children though that didn't seem to get much of a reaction.
> I don't think he is cheating on me, he is too much of a nice quy to do that. And he is definetely on holidays with his brother as I helped them book it and I waved them both off.
> I have a full time job but his income is a lot higher than mine so I do rely on his help a lot and that probably adds pressure?
> ...


Please don’t ever assume that he can’t be involved in an affair because he’s too much of a nice guy. Everyone, including myself, thought and said the same about my husband. That didn’t stop him from being involved in an emotional affair.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Elizabethceri said:


> I don't think he is cheating on me, he is too much of a nice quy to do that.


Said EVERY betrayed spouse before they took the rose-colored glasses off and faced *reality*.

I'm shocked at how everyone is actually falling for this 'depression' garbage. Yes, ALL depressed people take off their wedding bands and ALL depressed people suddenly rewrite marital history to prove how 'miserable' they've been these last few years. Good lord.



> He left to go on holidays with his brother yesterday for 2 weeks on a pre planned trip, I thought this would be the perfect opportunity for some space and In a perfect world, he would come back and everything would be OK again.


How odd. He's SOOO worried about finances and trips costing money, yet here he is only too happy to go off on a 2-week adventure to do God knows what.

You can recommend 'counseling' to him all you want, but he's just going to lie to any marriage counselor you drag him to. I mean, come _on_.

He's not "depressed." He's having an affair. And he's obviously gotten to the point in his affair where he's questioning if he'd be happier out of his marriage than in.

He's done everything but write it on the freakin' wall.

OP, take the blinders off. If you're not just pulling our leg and actually are this naive, then you need to disavow yourself of the ridiculous belief that he's "too nice to cheat on me" or you're going to have the rug yanked right out from underneath you.


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## Elizabethceri (Nov 24, 2019)

I know I may be coming across naive, but I honestly can't see him cheating. He works in the day and then is at home in the evening, so when would he even fit it in? I also know his lying face very well. 
My head is all over the place at the moment though and I'm not really thinking straight.
He's texting me quite a lot from his holidays, one minute saying how he's in a really bad mental state and then the next minute he's sending me photographs and filling me in on his day. It feels a lot like mind games at the moment...and I am not enjoying it. 
He has just text now and mentioned again how he is in a bad way. So I did slip in the suggestion of going to counselling and if its me that's the issue then we can go to marriage counselling. He has just shot me straight down and said nah, I don't think that would work. No explanation or anything. 
I thought by me bringing up marriage counselling it may have got him to open up and actually say that yes, there's an issue with our marriage. But I got nothing!
Does that mean he has passed the stage of caring and doesn't even want to try and save our marriage and also to try and get him to feel better?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Elizabethceri said:


> I know I may be coming across naive, but I honestly can't see him cheating. He works in the day and then is at home in the evening, so when would he even fit it in? I also know his lying face very well.


You need to stop deluding yourself about this and get to doing some detective work. Red flags for him cheating are flying all over the place and you sit here insistent about how he is too nice and doesnt have time to do that. We have a member here who was adamant that his wife would never ever do something like that, and it turned out that she had been cheating their entire marriage. DO NOT stick your head in the sand about this. He may very well be depressed, but I am getting a very strong vibe here that he is up to no good.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

“Nice” guys cheat. My ex-husband was home on time every evening and never went anywhere without me. When did he find the time to cheat? When he was at work and when he was out of town. 

The old expression “where there’s a will, there’s a way” applies to cheaters too. Never think there’s not enough time for cheating because there is. My ex-husband was the least likely man on earth to cheat and yet he did. More than once. 

Only your husband knows what’s really going on. But never trust blindly. I did and I don’t recommend it.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

My first question is this: if you both want different things out of life, why in the world did you get married? Especially when it comes to having kids; you can’t magically make someone change their mind on this subject. If you guys don’t have kids, he’ll resent you; whereas if you give in and have kids for him, you’ll resent him. Is that really how you want to live?

My XH lied to me about this prior to marriage, and it was a huge source of contention throughout our almost 4-year marriage. My sister is going through something similar to you right now too: she has a miserable and depressed husband who left their 19 year marriage (he also refuses help). Don’t let your marriage get to that point before it ends.

I think this calls for a calm, heart-to-heart talk with him. Find out where he’s at, what’s really bothering him, and it might call for couple’s counselling as well. I would suggest that, in fact. But, in the end, if you both really do want different things out of life, parting ways amicably would probably be the smartest decision for both of you. That way, you’re free to find someone who likes to travel, and he’s free to find someone family-oriented.

Good for you for cancelling your upcoming holiday; your relationship is more important. But, he went on a trip with his brother? I thought he didn’t like travelling? Also, one other thought that I have is this: might he be cheating? Couple things make me think this: his lack of interest, and taking off his wedding ring.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Ursula said:


> My first question is this: if you both want different things out of life, why in the world did you get married? Especially when it comes to having kids; you can’t magically make someone change their mind on this subject. If you guys don’t have kids, he’ll resent you; whereas if you give in and have kids for him, you’ll resent him. Is that really how you want to live?


This. I had the same thoughts.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

My feeling about your issue as you describe it is that you and he want different things. Attitudes toward finances and children are the two biggest sources of strife in a marriage.

I think that he has been gradually getting more and more upset about this and has started to look around at other women. He likes what he sees in some cases. Perhaps he is 'friends' with someone whose feelings about children align more with his. As he dos this he jumps ship, so to speak.

So, I'm in the camp that says he's either in an affair or ready to be.

(Saying he doesn't have time is one of the most common excuses betrayed spouses use to convince themselves that it's not happening. People carry on affairs at work and in 5-minute, furtive meetups all the time.)


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Wow everyone is really on the cheating bandwagon. Seems like this husband has told his wife how he's feeling-- disconnected, like they have different priorities in life, and depressed. Not everyone who is unhappy in their marriage and might be thinking about terminating it is cheating!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I don't necessarily think he is cheating right now. I think he is unhappy and detaching emotionally from the marriage and thus at least thinking about being with someone else. The presence of a particular someone can push this process along much faster, so I wouldn't be surprised if there were someone he's at least interested in.

Behaviors pattern certain ways and people make their best guesses based on the patterns. I'm offering my best guess here.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

It was pretty much how l said in my original post. You would be willing to step back from calling the shots, maybe a little too late. If he knows you would only question his choices. But again resentment, if you were to have children may put you out, and if he was to be the caretaker of the child. Are you only wanting the one? He may want more. I agree that he is thinking of another and has his mind made up already. Because he said no to the MC, and see's it only as prolonging the inevitable. 

You can not love enough for two. But l see he will make a decision at the end of it. But for now do not speak of you relationship and let he miss or extend his hand again. Just when he sends you a nice picture " tell him it looks wonderful and glad he is relaxing" nothing more let's see if his heart will grow fonder as he's away from you. 

Do not ask him of your marriage, he has to make up his own mind. If you force it, may be shutting the door.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Elizabethceri said:


> I admit that I call the shots a lot, I chose everything in the house. I chose and book all the holidays ect. I would be willing to take a step back though and let him make some decisions.
> He always made it clear that he wanted children and I always made it clear that I didn't. I think we both just hoped one of us would change our mind one day. I am definetely more open to starting a family now, we are both turning 30 next year and all our friends are having babies. When I said to him the other day that I was open to having children though that didn't seem to get much of a reaction.
> I don't think he is cheating on me, he is too much of a nice quy to do that. And he is definetely on holidays with his brother as I helped them book it and I waved them both off.
> I have a full time job but his income is a lot higher than mine so I do rely on his help a lot and that probably adds pressure?
> ...


Two months? And he's just now causing a fuss? 

That could mean multiple things.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Livvie said:


> Wow everyone is really on the cheating bandwagon. Seems like this husband has told his wife how he's feeling-- disconnected, like they have different priorities in life, and depressed. Not everyone who is unhappy in their marriage and might be thinking about terminating it is cheating!


Not everyone, granted, but many many are thinking about it, though less acting on it.


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

Livvie said:


> Wow everyone is really on the cheating bandwagon. Seems like this husband has told his wife how he's feeling-- disconnected, like they have different priorities in life, and depressed. Not everyone who is unhappy in their marriage and might be thinking about terminating it is cheating!


I can see why people are picking up on the possibility. She's kindly approached every issue he has with a compromise. She's offered him counseling. Any reasonable person would be jumping for joy that she's come around to the idea of kids and is willing to give up expensive comforts and traveling for a while to work on the marriage. But instead he came up with a whole new, more elusive reason as to why things aren't working and started taking obvious signs at presenting as single without even having a conversation with her about separating or ending the marriage. My ex did exactly this same thing and was also cheating.

Elizabeth, regardless of what's going on with him, you have to listen to his actions and not his words. His words are wishy washy. He doesn't know what he wants but isn't saying he wants to leave. But his actions - taking off his ring and not putting it back on, refusing MC, not responding to any compromise or attempts at reconciliation from you - are the actions of someone who is separating and considering divorce. Don't wait around to be blindsided. Don't give him time to string you along as a back up in case being single/possible OW isn't all it's cracked up to be (it's not). I have been in your shoes and I know from experience that he will likely try to keep you on the back burner for as long as humanly possible until he's 110% sure he's ready to discard you.

See an IC for yourself to help you navigate this. See a lawyer and find out what separation/divorce will look like. You don't have to file right now but if he doesn't turn around and start making moves to fix the marriage, you will want to file sooner than later. If you can, check up on his phone records, social media, etc. JUST IN CASE. He may not be cheating but it's a possibility you will want to rule out because if he is, it DRASTICALLY changes what happens next so you can't leave it up to chance just because it seems unlikely. And just know - even if he does leave, even if he leaves for an OW or to be single, YOU will come out of this on top because you've been great about handling this like an adult by compromising, opening communication, and seeking counseling despite him shutting you down and hiding his true intentions/feelings like a child. That character will carry you well into the future whether he's in it or not. And if this really is a mental health problem, he will continue imploding his life until he gets help much like my ex did. 

As awful as the possibility may feel today, the worst outcome IS NOT the end of the marriage. It's staying indefinitely with someone who isn't sure if they want you, isn't sure if they love you, and isn't fully committed to you. That is soul crushing.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I think he is probably cheating it may just be an emotional affair but if he isn't cheating he is exploring options in his mind to move on. The ring is a problem the keeping to himself. And the sex. Also What'sAPP can be problematic. Who is he messaging?

Attributing it to her being in control I think maybe people projecting their feeling or past experiences. I know my husband would detest making holiday plans, paying bills, picking houses, being in charge of retirement. So it may not be who is making decisions. 


We haven't really found out whether no sex is because she's refusing or he isn't interested.

In marriage you have the trifecta going. Money stress, lack of sex and a disagreement on kids. Add in a problem with religion.....

I'd encourage you to explore your real feeling on kids. You don't have kids because you don't want to lose your husband. Kids are a life long commitment and deserve parents who want them. Are you actually spending too much money? Who runs the finances how often do the two of you talk about money? Are your bills paid, are your credit cards a zero balance are retirement accounts funded. IF not then expensive trips aren't appropriate. IF all that is done and isn't requiring second jobs or overtime then it may just be cheaters standard play of rewriting history or making the woe me I have a wife who is stressing me out ll and spending too much .... to make themselves feel better. 

Sex is a big one for men. This site makes that more clear than all the jokes growing up. Men will do anything for sex. Men's egos are tied to sex. I strongly encourage you to poke around this site in the sex within marriage threads. I don't think most women understand how important sex is to men's vision of the world. 

If you are the reason you aren't having sex figure out why. Are you actually attracted to him or are you just comfortable and don't want the relationship to change? Before resuming sex you should poke around and determine (in real ways) if he maybe cheating because STD's are forever. 

If he's the reason when in the past there wasn't issues then it is medical or he's not into you any more. He could be cheating and wanting to be true to his new partner. Or it could be he's done and looking to withdraw emotionally to prepare for divorce.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

I smell bull****. Go online and check your phone bill.

Good chance you'll find his girlfriends number there.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Elizabethceri said:


> It's around 2 months now since we last had sex.


How did this part happen? Were you rejecting or did he stop initiating? What was the normal routine before two months ago?


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Elizabethceri said:


> I know I may be coming across naive, but I honestly can't see him cheating. He works in the day and then is at home in the evening, so when would he even fit it in? I also know his lying face very well.
> My head is all over the place at the moment though and I'm not really thinking straight.
> He's texting me quite a lot from his holidays, one minute saying how he's in a really bad mental state and then the next minute he's sending me photographs and filling me in on his day. It feels a lot like mind games at the moment...and I am not enjoying it.
> He has just text now and mentioned again how he is in a bad way. So I did slip in the suggestion of going to counselling and if its me that's the issue then we can go to marriage counselling. He has just shot me straight down and said nah, I don't think that would work. No explanation or anything.
> ...


I see by your post count you are new to this site. Obviously the bar to entry is low, so you can't expect all of the advice you get to be expert. There are people here who were cheated on and have convinced themselves that practically everyone is cheating. 

Maybe your husband is having an affair, I don't know. I do know he's told you he has problems w/ the marriage, and that means the two of you have to find out what the problem is. Given how serious he seems to think the problems are, I think you should see a marriage counsellor. So you have to find out what it is that's bugging him, and as you do this you'll likely get a clearer idea of whether he is cheating or not.EDIT and whether he's depressed or not, or whatever else the problem is. We can all guess all day long, but go to the horse's mouth and get the answer.

You might want to wait until he's home, but insist he tell you what's going on and maybe insist on MC. If he doesn't want to, remind him of some of the things he said about the marriage and how upset he was. Point out you are concerned about him, and point out it isn't fair that you have to live in suspense like this.

As for trying to figure out what his reluctance to talk means, you can drive yourself crazy trying to figure out irrational people, or you can remind yourself they're irrational.

We wish you luck.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

I view the lack of sex, is because of a reason maybe you used it to manipulate him. Or tied to many things with it. But for a man not wanting to have sex in a marriage is commonly not in to you. Too many things have been unmet and he's now in charge. And maybe he likes it.


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## Elizabethceri (Nov 24, 2019)

So, I received a long message from him last night to say that he is struggling with our relationship latelyand that we need to talk when he gets home. He mentioned that neither of us make an effort no ml pre and he feels like we are more like room mates than husband and wife. Our sex life has gone bad and we rarely kiss properly. He said home life is bad with us both just sitting there on our phones and do nothing. He thinks that we have lost our spark. He mentioned the difference in our choice to have children again although did say that he doesn't think this would fix our issues. He said he is miserable in the house because its a money pit and so are all the holidays. He said he doesn't want to hurt me but sometimes he feels like runing away. Ending with that he loves me and always will.

I took a day to respond as I wanted my emotions to cool a little before I did. 
I've thanked him for opening up and telling me how he feels and I also said that I believe all things that he has mentioned are down to us not putting the effort in and that we need to concentrate on our marriage more.

We will chat about it further when he gets home. I just still haven't really worked out whether him wanting to chat about it, is him wanting to fix it or is it him saying that he wants to bring things to an end?

Looks like I'm going to be in limbo for another 10 days.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Hmmm....I am very sorry to say that I believe he is trying to blow smoke and soften the blow for his exit plan. I have heard this story before and statistically the odds of a successful outcome are not very good. You need to start working on detachment (the 180) and show him the door THE SECOND he comes home and tells you more of the same BS. The less time you spend in the mire of this drama the less you will suffer. Don't you even think about having kids with this guy. Time to get tough and adjust your thinking. Hang in there.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Don’t ever consider having a child to “fix” a marriage. It doesn’t work.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

First off, I’m really sorry to hear that you’re going through this, especially with it being long-distance at the moment. 

Secondly, I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around all this texting between you guys. This is a major conversation with a major outcome, either way it falls. Truthfully, this is something that needs to be handled face-to-face, but at the very least, you guys should be picking up the damn phone and CALLING. Texting is so impersonal, which actually says a lot about your relationship.

It’s good that he wants to talk when he gets home; that at least is promising. I understand the feeling of being more like roommates; this is what I also experienced, and it really sucks to no longer have that connection. Once that connection is gone, it’s hard to get back, too. He is right about the issue of whether or not to have children because in the end there will be resentment on one side. And he’s also right about a miserable home life being where both people just sit on their phones and do nothing together. Get off your phones and connect through real life! 

If your house is a money pit, sell it and downsize. If the trips are a money pit, stop taking them, or downsize them too. You don’t need to stay at the most expensive 5-star resorts. Stay at something cheaper if you guys want to get away. Go to cheaper locations, or travel in a different way. Try backpacking; it’s not for everyone, but I think it’s the best way to see a place up-close, and it’s way cheaper.

My final thoughts: having this conversation thus far over text message is all sorts of wrong, and has really done a disservice to your marriage. It’s also really, really wrong of him to open up his heart to you, and then leave you hanging for 10 more days while he’s with his brother somewhere tropical. I also agree with @Betrayedone, and feel like he’s softening the blow for his exit plan. It is worth a talk and making an effort to work things out, but just be aware that his motives might be different from yours.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Elizabethceri said:


> I can completely understand these worries and said I would stop with the renovations and we can take a break from holidays.


And...


> Although I am not happy about this, I am willing to compromise if it means saving my marriage.


I'm kinda thinking that the problem here is that he's been the one compromising all along, trying to make an incompatible marriage work, and now you're the one not happy about wanting stuff that it sounds like you cannot afford... while calling it compromise.

You're incompatible. 

It also sounds like you're inflexible.



Elizabethceri said:


> I admit that I call the shots a lot, I chose everything in the house. I chose and book all the holidays ect. *I would be willing to take a step back though and let him make some decisions.*


The bolded is just jaw-dropping. I don't see a partnership here. I see you getting your way, and when it goes a little less your way, it's compromise. And you're willing to let him make some decisions?

Wow, would you want to be married to someone that _might_ be willing to let their spouse make some decisions only because the marriage is in crisis?


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

Nice guy + different desires in life + feeling emasculated = a man that is/ has been cheating and is feeling depressed.

Check your phone bills to see if you can get some better information, however it sounds like he is depressed because he cheated on you and got an ultimatum from the OW, initially chose your marriage because he is a “nice guy”, instead of her and got dumped.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Elizabeth, much has passed between you and him, so much so that possibly because of your personality may only be doing, this to prevent an all out war. And what he doing is preparing himself to move on. And is getting alittle time to reconfirm to himself.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

If I were you I would just dump him. He will come up with another reason he isn't happy in a few years if y'all get this all buttered smooth.

The truth is that he doesn't like you that much anymore but just lacks the balls to say it. It sounds like you keep them in your purse anyways.

You have him well neutered at this point ….. just cut him loose. His manhood is done for.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

The waiting can't be fun, as @Ursula said, why not call?

We can all estimate odds and guess stuff, but you're going to talk to him face to face soon so what is the point. You are going to talk to him, right? I mean, you're married, you will invest another 10 days in this, won't you?


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

You ever visit him at his workplace? Go to work parties? Do you know his work friends? What do they think of him? Is he able to do his work well? Any major changes--illnesses, deaths, losses, moves ?

Doesn't fit that he is miserable and you are so surprised. As others have suggested, this suggests y'all have been living your dream, not his. You were together 5 years, married one year, he starts thinking he has make a mistake and has taken two years to man up. Your strength may often overwhelm him? Do you build him up? appreciate him?

I think the two week vacay is a trial run at separation. Is his brother married? Do you interact with SIL? Each other's families? 

He told you and then left. He does not want to fix y'all. How old are you both--did I miss that? What do you do together besides remodeling and trips? 

I sense that you are a person o action and he is more passive, less decisive. What would happen if you just listen to him now that he has decided to talk ? Will he offer fixes if you do not?


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## Elizabethceri (Nov 24, 2019)

Since letting that load off his chest he seems to be talking to me a lot better.. Giving me daily updates ect which made me feel a lot better yesterday as it wasnt me Initiating these chats, it was him... Although today I'm realising that since he's been there he hasn't once asked about me or how I am doing its all been about him. 
He has also said that he is going out in his works Christmas party on the day he gets home so our 'talk' will have to wait. He says he needs to blow off some steam as he feels pushed up against a wall.
Look, I get it... I am controlling, probably more than I realised so he can go blow off some steam.
I know the majority of the boys he works with as we live in a small town and they are all a good bunch of guys. I just feel like this important conversation needs to happen ASAP. Unless he isn't seeing it as important as I am or am I building it up to be more than it is?
The reason we are struggling to chat on the phone is 1) time difference and 2)he is sharing a room with other people so complete lack of privacy at the moment

I know everyone seems to be on the cheating band waggon, but I honestly don't think this is the case... Yes, he maybe thinking of other women ect but I don't think he has actualy done anything. 

I'm very close to his family, in fact I'm going to their house for diner tonight. I've contemplated telling his mother, but I'm worried that I may be disobeying his trust as he has confided all this in me.

I think it will be very interesting to see whether he makes any suggestions on how to fix things when he does come back as so far he doesn't seem to be putting much effort in other than telling me that things are bad.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

1. His delaying the conversation is a way of re-asserting some control over his life. If you push him, he will assert more self-control, which ultimately will be him leaving. 

2. Do not tell his mother and take away even more control over his own relationship with his family. WTF are you thinking there? His family is his business. 

3. You have been in control so long that it’s just dawning on you now the damage you’ve done. He’s saying he’s unhappy in a relationship you control. You caused this problem, so you start thinking about how to fix it. I suggest you start by backing the hell off. 

I know this is hard for you. It is an unbearably long period of time to wait, and if you weren’t the one that’s been in the driver’s seat here, I’d be telling you to force the conversation. But you were in the drivers seat, and I suspect a large portion of your present discomfort isn’t in having to wait and live with uncertainty, it’s having to exist without total control over your marriage. 

This will be a good exercise for you both if you wait patiently and live in the question. 

And try to respect him at least as a human being.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Hopefully, you didn’t tell his mother. That’s up to him.


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

Question....are you controlling because that is who you are, or are you controlling because he says that you are?

I apologize if this has already been discussed. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Quite frankly I think he is done with this relationship. He doesn't know how to end it, but he is done.


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## Elizabethceri (Nov 24, 2019)

No, I didn't say anything to his mother.
I think I selfishly just wanted a shoulder to cry on and as I am so close to his family and the only family I have left is half way around the world it feels natural to confide in her... But it is his mother at the end of the day and I needed to remind myself of that.

I really hope it isn't the case of the relationship being over as I honestly thought we would be forever.

This waiting game is just torchure.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Elizabethceri said:


> No, I didn't say anything to his mother.
> I think I selfishly just wanted a shoulder to cry on and as I am so close to his family and the only family I have left is half way around the world it feels natural to confide in her... But it is his mother at the end of the day and I needed to remind myself of that.
> 
> I really hope it isn't the case of the relationship being over as I honestly thought we would be forever.
> ...


Get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. Read it. While he might not be having an affair, he's going through the mental/emotional process that a person who is having an affair goes through. The book gives some very good info on how to get your relationship on back.

After you do what that book suggests, read "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs", by the same author. They will teach you how to structure your marriage so that its a strong, passionate one. 

It's not over yet by any means.


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## Elizabethceri (Nov 24, 2019)

Thank you for the reccomendation elegirl. I have just placed an order for a copy. It will give me some distraction. While I wait for him to return also.


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## Dragan Jovanovic (Jan 16, 2019)

Did you denied him sex? This is wery important. If you are the person who always told him,where to go,what to do,denied him intimacy,then it is miracle that the marriage survived this long. You must decide for your self,will you permanetly change and be more lovin spouse and a equal partner in marriage,or you just call it quits and let him divorce you. He will find a new wife and start a familly what he always wanted.


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## Elizabethceri (Nov 24, 2019)

No, I don't deny him sex. We are both to blame with the lack of sex due to work and life getting in the way we just don't tend to make time for it and when we do it's a rushed job in the morning with not much intemacy between us.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Elizabethceri said:


> I really hope it isn't the case of the relationship being over as I honestly thought we would be forever.


Why did you think that? Why were you happy? Did you actually not know he was unhappy, or did you just look the other way because you were getting what you wanted, the way you wanted it?

If you have to choose between being in charge and being married to him, what are you going to choose?



> This waiting game is just torchure.


Yes. It sucks.

Treat this as a learning opportunity. Think. Read. Write. Either way, if this marriage continues or it doesn't, you will grow.

When you exhaust yourself doing that, distract yourself. Friends, family, movies, netflix, whatever your thing is. If you need a shoulder to cry on, use your friends or your family. Post here.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Elizabethceri said:


> No, I don't deny him sex. We are both to blame with the lack of sex due to work and life getting in the way we just don't tend to make time for it and when we do it's a rushed job in the morning with not much intemacy between us.


How did he not make time for it? Are you sure?

This "mutual" thing seems too easy of an answer to me. Did you ever try to improve it? Did it matter to you?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

In terms of book recommendations, for some reason the Tao Te Ching popped into my mind to recommend to you.

Not everybody's bag, but there's some timeless wisdom here about letting go, letting things be what they naturally are, and how to properly love. Here's a quote:

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”
― Lao Tzu

I think it may be time for you to love him deeply, let that give you courage to face the times ahead, even if that means the courage to lovingly let him go because he's not going to be happy with you. Or the courage to change if he decides to try.

There are many free on-line versions, here's one: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1-BUnaqN3rTe3eX_UG9H8ektnljnqSOu9/view

If you're going to order the book, I love this version:https://www.amazon.com/Tao-Ching-Illustrated-Lao-Tzu/dp/157715116X


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