# 3rd time is a bummer...wanna run away...



## feelin lost (Oct 20, 2010)

I've been up reading this forum all night and I'm still not sure what to do. Any advice would be appreciated.

A little background first. First marriage when I was 19, doomed from the start and lasted 5 years. Second was when I was 30. I was with him because he had every problem in the world (the big one was that he was a Paranoid Schizophrenic) and I thought that I was the one that was going to save him. After making my life hell for 3 years and pulling a gun on me one morning, he killed himself that evening when I didn't come home from work. The suicide note said that he was waiting for me so he could kill me and then kill himself but just killed himself instead when I didn't show. Obviously much more in depth than that but it's the most brief I can be. 

After #2 died, after much soul searching and therapy, I sold my house, quit my job and moved east to start a new life for myself. Life was good!

Fast forward. Two years after starting my new life, an amazing man that I worked with (who was getting divorced from Satan herself) asked me out. He was wonderful in every way possible. He had 2 teenage kids from his marriage (his daughter stayed with psycho ex and his son stayed with us) but they were almost out of high school so there may be a few bumps along the way but there was a light at the end of the tunnel for peaceful days ahead.

Fast forward again. We've been married for over 2 years and everything is crumbling.

His son, who is 19, is going to college locally (and lives in our basement) is a lazy, selfish, passive aggressive nightmare and is driving a massive wedge between us. The problem is...hubby sides with him (I think it's Daddy guilt for the previous divorce) and I get left out in the cold.

Due to his previous life, Hubby doesn't have the best credit (I did...til now) so I ended up putting the big expenses on my credit cards in order to weather life bumps (i.e. lawyer fees against psycho ex, braces coming off of the kids mouths, tuition payments for step son's college, driver's license schools...etc), I honestly didn't mind doing it. However, now we're living paycheck to paycheck because whenever there's money in the bank, Hubby blows it on his new car (I call it "the other woman" for a good reason...), the two pristine Harley's that we have in the garage or on the son. I have a classic car that was given to me by my grandfather when I was 4 that's rotting out in the yard because there's always something more important that the money needs to go to. The credit cards are maxed out because there's never any extra to pay down the balances that aren't even mine. I've begged him over and over to throttle back on blowing the money but it lasts for about a week and then starts all over again.

As for the son, his presence here is killing me! He leaves messes where ever he goes, cleans the refrigerator out constantly, and does whatever he wants with no consideration to anyone else (he'll come upstairs at 12:00 at night whistling at the top of his lungs, bang around in the kitchen and then go downstairs and crank his computer for video games and start screaming with his friends that he's gaming with on line...the computer is right under our bedroom). When I ask for him to help around the house, he says he will (Hubby agrees with this too) but always leaves for something to get out of it. He's doing absolutely nothing to support his own presence in this house but exploits every aspect of it; he won't even help with his own car insurance. And yes, he has 2 part time jobs. UPS or FedEx are here almost everyday because son blows money as fast as he makes it or Hubby is buying things for his car or Harley's.

The ONE time Hubby jumped him for being such a bum, he went running to his mother saying that we didn't feed him (he's 6'5" and 325+ pounds) and were picking on him. She told him to tell us if we didn't lay off of him, she was going to have him move back with her and sue us for child support (yes, in this state...she can until he's 23). Obviously, this scared the hell out of Hubby.

Now, because of the previous...Hubby doesn't enforce any of the rules of the house at all. I'm constantly being asked to do things for them but when I need something, I'm completely ignored and brushed to the side. I've talked to Hubby about this but he says that I'm overreacting as shouldn't let it get to me. I wasn't raised to be a slob, lazy or disrespectful so I have a massive problem watching it happen under my nose without reacting to it. I'm sorry but having a trashed house and no money all of the time is really getting to me. 

Last night was the final straw. I'm talking to my mother in the living room (they take phone calls in the living room all the time; the volume of the TV goes down and everyone goes quiet as a courtesy) and son comes up behind me and starting LOUDLY talking to Hubby over my head while the TV is blaring and Hubby has the remote. It was as if I wasn't there. I hang up with Mom and rip into the both of them about me trying to talk on the phone with them being obnoxious. I get the look from both of them that I'm out of line and I get the cold shoulder from both of them because I had the nerve to say anything.

I'm tired of the 19 year old having more "status" in the house than I do, I'm tired of being disregarded and pushed aside. Because of all of the crap I've put up with my other 2 husbands, I'm thinking that I should just cut my losses and run. I'm normally happy and outgoing but I've been angry and reclusive all of the time and I hate it. By what I've seen, it doesn't get any better from this point on and I'm too tired to deal with it. Even though I'm holding this whole operation together, I'm viewed as a commodity and not an active player.

So, what do I do now? I think, at the least, I should go out and get my own checking account.

Please advise...


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I think that you are learning another very costly lesson.
If you aren't #1 in your husband's life, you aren't anywhere healthy.
It also sounds like your stepson is just a younger version of your husband. The son is learning by example. Why should he take care of himself when his Dad found some sap to take care of them both?
Run away. Run away now and try to rebuild your life.


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

DanF said:


> I think that you are learning another very costly lesson.
> If you aren't #1 in your husband's life, you aren't anywhere healthy.
> It also sounds like your stepson is just a younger version of your husband. The son is learning by example. Why should he take care of himself when his Dad found some sap to take care of them both?
> Run away. Run away now and try to rebuild your life.


DanF is right, you are being taken advantage of, your credit destroyed, the oaf and his Dad abusing you mentally.

You know it is time to move on with your life, you've shown you can deal with the worst, you are a survivor.

I know it is not easy, no thoughtful person wakes up one morning and decides to separate and divorce, the buildup takes a while, I'm 61 and ready to go, you are far younger and need to go.

Mark


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## whynotme (May 18, 2010)

It sounds like you may have a type or are repeating a pattern.

I only say so because I am trying to recognize my own patterns in myself, and I can commiserate with what you're going through.

Don't feel bad about multiple marriages - the guy who processed my divorce paperwork said he'd been married six times.

I agree with the other posters - time to cut your losses, no matter how big, and throw in the towel. The next thing to go is your health. That's harder to recover than money.

Forgive yourself and move on. I'm not really in a position to give advice but I hope you can find a better situation. It sounds like you can do a lot better than this guy you're with.

-WNM


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