# To those who have R from an undecide



## borderline (Feb 16, 2012)

I am still undecided about R or D as I'm not in the right state yet to make that call. I know everyone and every situation is different but I would like to ask those that have R'ed, do you feel it was a good choice now....do things get better?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Hopefully Beowulf, the_guy, and others who chose R can chime in and share their thoughts with you.

For what it's worth, you are doing the right thing in not pressuring yourself to either R or D until your emotions have settled down, and your wife's further actions to become a woman worthy of being trusted or not, give a chance for your head to come up with a life altering decision that you can live with.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Ask yourself. Allow yourself time. Then you will stumble on an answer to your question.


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## borderline (Feb 16, 2012)

Ty mori. I have been in touch with our new counselor to make an app't and as luck would have it she is experienced in ptsd and emotional trauma (suppose that makes sense considering she counsels officers lol) . Hoping that will get me on the path to decision at least.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Yes things do get a lot better. I would have to say depends on the circumstances. And is the other party truly willing to go thru what it takes to R. Several years ago I cheated on my spouse and then she had a revenge affair under those circumstances its hard to call the kettle black. We separated for awhile about a month and went to MC we both made decisions to R, and worked hard at recovery I feel our marriage is the best it has ever been we have been married for 12 yrs now. I made a mistake she made a mistake we accepted it and moved on marriages have good and bad Today I am so glad that we recovered and stuck with it was it easy no but like i said our marriage is stronger and better today by working thru this stuff than if we wouldnt have. jmo


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Think this through very carefully, it's not a decision to rush into. I never really understood the people who say an affair makes a marriage stronger, especially a long term affair at that but it's ultimately up to you in the end.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

Don't make a decision until enough time has passed and you can be relatively certain of your path.

A hasty decision is always to be regretted imo.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Yes , my H and I are almost 4 months out from his "2" EA's, and I am still undecided. He went through my car (when I was in hospital from my surgery) and threw away call and text log copies I kept in glove box ( still have on computer though),, and thinks since he threw them away, that we should just be able to get past it just as easy. 

I am leaning a lot more towards to at least a separation for now, just don't think I can get past him betraying me with 2 women. 

I am getting ready to start IC to see about healing myself. But he has already made it clear that he is not interested in counseling at all. My "gut feeling" tells me he is still hiding the extent of it, which makes it impossible for me to look at him with any "trust or emotional connection", let alone physical...


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## borderline (Feb 16, 2012)

I'm not rushing or forcing a decision as per my OP and following post on counseling before making one but thank you, is good advice.


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## sirwonder (Feb 24, 2011)

You might remain undecided for months while you are trying R. Pick a day in the future and try to get there without D. Then re-evaluate when that day comes. Keep repeating that process and you will get closer to a decision over time. Keep a journal so you can look back and see if you've made progress over time. Even if you decide to D later, you will make personal progress and be proud that you were able to go through this and become stronger for it.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

In my case she ended her affair and told me before I discovered it. I'm fairly certain that if I had caught her I would have divorced her. She also did all the work necessary to win me back and make me fall in love with her again. She never lied, never trickle truth'd me, never got defensive, never even hinted that it was my fault although I was at least partly to blame for the state of our marriage. Since then it has gotten better. We are more in love than we ever have been. BUT!!!! We are still completely open and honest about everything. We still check each other's email, phone records etc. It has become habitual for us and makes it virtually impossible for anything secretive to flourish. If you aren't willing to devote a lifetime to working on the marriage then move on and start fresh with someone else. It's not an easy road to travel.


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

This topic hit home for me... After H had 2nd affair, I kicked him out in May 2011 and have been separated since. He says he still loves me BUT... still with the OW and has not left. After 8 months of waiting for him to meet my terms to reconcile, he has done NOTHING. I told him 6 weeks ago I refuse to live in an open marriage and need him to sever ties with OW, show proof to me, Get HIV test, go to IC counseling, setup MC appt and go to confession. Here I am 10 months after kicking him out and he has not done one thing to fight for his family. 

I have an appt with my lawyer on Friday to pursue the divorce.

Sad, but I now know that his lies and false pride will NEVER sway in my favor. I think that is why I finally found peace in my decision.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

My wife and I are 9 months past DDay and things are much better. We are not out of the woods, maybe never will be, and not having that full safety is the hardest. But I will say we've been enjoying each other more than before the A.


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## borderline (Feb 16, 2012)

Thank you for your replies so far. Its good for me to see both sides. WW has given full transparency, NC since May last year (letter being mailed this week), and she has started exposure to her friends and family who up to this point probably thought I was the jerk for telling her to leave. So far her actions are good but I will give it good time to see how I feel and if she sticks with it. She is also going to IC.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

My wife and I have a good marriage now a days. But the wife has said that if she were to go back and do it again she would have just left back then.

It took a huge emotional toll on her getting past the affair and trying to forgive me. We still have ups and downs (who doesn't in a marriage, anyone who says they wake up and every day is like la la land is full of it IMO), but life is more than good to us now.

Only you can decide if you can take on that HUGE emotional burden to move on. Cheaters have an easier time when moving on, because our only hurt we have is seeing the pain we inflicted on our spouse and family. But that is nothing compared to what most of you and my wife has gone through, not by a long shot if I was to guess.


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## borderline (Feb 16, 2012)

I appreciate your comment and candidness cheatinghubby.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

if you want lots of details you can click the my story link in my signature

I think R depends on many factors and can be worth it depending on those factors


1) the extent of the cheating- how long it was, how many times/partners, if it was physical or emotional or both
2) the ability/willingness of the WS to do what's needed for R
3) the ability/willingness of the BS to go through the 2-5 years of mistrust and being able to forgive/heal
4) the marriage before the cheating, if it is worth saving in the first place or if the affair(s) were merely exit affairs, also the length of the marriage as I believe if cheating was done too soon during the marriage it isn't worth saving
5) children- I know I have always said that children can be fine through a divorce if approached properly and having children shouldn't be the lone factor in staying together but it is still a factor nonetheless.


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## Anaphylactic (Feb 19, 2012)

borderline said:


> I am still undecided about R or D as I'm not in the right state yet to make that call. I know everyone and every situation is different but I would like to ask those that have R'ed, do you feel it was a good choice now....do things get better?


Im on the fence at the moment. I was deciding to work it out. But with his Lack of willingness to accept accountability has me leaning Far toward D .... So far that I saw my lawyer and kicked him out.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

D-day for me was Nov. 29th. 

I am giving R a shot.

Some suggested a date for D. So I set a date for August. I have been told by my wife's brothers and my friends not to be hasty in any decision but if I decide to divorce they would support my decision. I started the paperwork with an attorney but put everything on hold. 

My wife is doing most things correctly.

My wife is doing most things right, more nice things that I expected and some things not so well.

The things that are not so well is that she states she does not remember some of the dates and times that I know for 100% fact that she had sex with the OM. I know of 7 times that they were together, she remembers 5. 

So today I am pressing forward with R.


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