# My wife is confused



## dgoodman31 (Dec 19, 2008)

Six years ago, my wife and I met on the internet. We both lived in the US, but about 1500 miles apart. We both had a child, her 2 year old boy, and I had an 8 year old girl. After several planes trips we both made to spend time together (one time she stayed with me for a month with her son), I proposed to her and she said yes. Looking back I see this was somewhat impulsive since we had no plan of how we would actually be together with the 2 children that their other parents were involved in their lives. About a month later, she told me she would move here with me since she could take her son along with her. 

Over the course of the next 5 years, things have deteriorated. I haven't been able to meet my wife's emotional needs, according to her. She's told me before that if I didn't start communicating with her better that one day she would just stop caring. Unfortunately it seems that day came about 3 weeks ago. 

Other problems include that she misses her family back at her home, I believe she feels guilty that she took her son from his father, my daughter has shown very little effort to form a relationship with her, she has not found any friends here, and my family is not very close. I think she feels completely lost and doesn't know where to turn. 

Three weeks ago she started to not show affection for me. When I would hold her hand, it felt like she was just doing it out of obligation. I could just sense that she was withdrawing. She told me she was so confused and indifferent about our relationship. She also said that she still loved me but was not IN LOVE with me. Over the next 2 weeks however, I felt like we were making progress. We cried together, hugged each other tighter than we ever had before, and she would begin to reach for my hand to hold it and I could feel her love. 

She is currently gone on a planned trip back to her hometown for 10 days (which luckily is over in 2 more days) to visit her family. During this time she has seemed completely disconnected from me. If I call her, she makes me feel like she has no feelings for me. I could cry my eyes out telling her how sorry I am, but she seems to not really care. She only says that she understands how I feel, but that she's felt that way for 6 years and now just feels indifferent towards us. 

When she returns in 2 days, I am completely committed to making the changes I need to keep our marriage together. We are beginning marriage counseling although I'm not sure that her heart is completely in it. 

To make matters worse, we have a 2 year old daughter together. I feel like this is probably the only reason she is still with me today. It hurts so much to think that she would throw away these years with me. I feel hurt and betrayed. 

At this point, her main concern is moving back to her hometown for good. This is more important to her than our marriage. Unfortunately, that would leave me with 2 daughters 1500 miles apart that I couldn't be with both. I love my wife beyond words. We've never really fought, and I've never abused her, cheated, or used drugs or alcohol. What else can I do to help save this marriage?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

move and see about having your other daughter over the summer and extended vacations.

draconis


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

your wife has needs to and to be away from her family , friends has been hard for her to cope with. Every body needs to have some one to talk things trough with and id not ever swap my close friends for anything.. can you move to her home town ? where children are involved i know its hard but hoildays and phone chats letters and the internet help to keep you close .
I think emotionally your wife doesnt know where to turn


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

I wasn't clear from your post. Can you move with both daughters to your wife's hometown? Or does the custody arrangement for your oldest prevent you from moving (or at least moving with her)? I would not abandon your child for your wife. Your wife should never put you in that position.

Your oldest is 13 y.o. now? I think that some family counseling might help tighten the bond between her and her step mother. Has your wife made significant efforts to do things just with her? Has your wife made efforts to make friends in the area or has she just waited for friends to show at her doorstep?

In what ways does she feel that you have not met her emotional needs? Do you agree that you have failed in that area?

I would ask her to go to counseling with you (and set up some separate family sessions to bring your oldest). Not sure what your work allows but could you take a lot more vacations to see her family? Does she always visit them on her own or do you accompany her? (I would imagine that if you don't go with her often, she might feel that you are so separate from her family and her life won't feel adequately integrated).


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## Jessica5971 (Dec 8, 2008)

I can definitely relate to what your wife is going through because I was in a simmilar situation. It can be very difficult to be separated from friends and family and other support persons for long periods of time. I would suggest that you look into the possibility of you moving with her to her home town. This way she might not feel so isolated and as though she has nobody to turn to.


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## gabagool (Jan 10, 2009)

That "love but not IN love" stuff......I'm really sorry but that a pretty good sign of infidelity. Not always, but a ton of times. I would start checking. Sorry again.


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