# One anniversary of affair, need advice



## Hristo2015 (Aug 31, 2015)

Hello, last year I ended up in a situation with a coworker. In my mind, I was justifying it as a friendship but over time he became more assertive in his feelings for me and we exchanged emails over several weeks. When he became more assertive, I didn't stop it - he was telling me he wished he met me before I got married, or that I was attractive and he missed his chance, etc. I was flattered and liked the attention and had lately felt like my husband wasn't giving me attention. But I knew if the tables were turned I'd be livid. 

My husband saw the emails and I came to realize I had been having an "emotional affair" on one level. On another level, I never wanted a relationship with my coworker - I love my husband and kids more than anything. I am guilty of spending time emailing and talking to a male that isn't my husband (taking time away from my marriage) and also of not ending it when it became clear that he wanted more than friends (even though he always said he knew I was married and wouldn't go there, his actions seemed to suggest otherwise with the email frequency and intensity). 

Anyway this was nearly a year ago - everything when the affair was discovered was a nightmare but over the last year things have been much better. We are rebuilding trust and things are mostly going great. We are coming up on the one year anniversary of the affair discovery and I am noticing old upset feelings from my husband coming back. Over the last several weeks he has been thinking about everything that happened and every few days he is upset. I don't know what to say or do. I don't know if I should talk about the past? I constantly ask him what is wrong and sometimes he says nothing, other times he says "all of the things that happened." 

I feel like we are taking steps backwards when things have been so wonderful. The other thing is - I still work with this coworker but everything is ended (right after, my husband and I emailed him that it was all over), we rarely see one another at work and have limited interaction at meetings. I am (and have been) looking for a new job for the last 10 months. 

Does anyone have any advice for how to deal with everything?


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## afab (Jul 28, 2015)

I dont think there really is anything you can do. Just wait till the anniversary is over and hope for the best.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Hristo2015 said:


> *I am (and have been) looking for a new job for the last 10 months. *


You need to look harder, because your husband made a mistake in not insisting that you quit immediately - or at the very least, given you a much shorter time frame to do so.

That, might help him as much as anything else you can do.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Hristo

Sometimes it just helps to express how much you love him.

All you can do is apologize and let him know you learned from that experience and he can talk about it with you any time he wants.

HM


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Yes staying near the OM is a huge mistake.

The other thing is once down that road 100% trust can never really be obtained.

This is a memory that may fade over time but will always be there.

Betrayal even an EA is pretty devastating especially if he saw that you told the OM you loved him, etc.

Unfortnately you both have to figure out how to live with it.

There is info on what someone like your H goes through. It may help if you read up on it.

Some just can't live with it long term. I hope this isn't your case.

Good luck to you both


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Did you two ever get into counseling?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

badmemory said:


> You need to look harder, because your husband made a mistake in not insisting that you quit immediately - or at the very least, given you a much shorter time frame to do so.
> 
> That, might help him as much as anything else you can do.


Yeah, he's probably see-sawing with regret on that one. Many men love in a profound and absolute way and what you did popped his balloon. 

I'd just be as supportive and nurturing as possible. It can take years to heal from an A, even if only an EA.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Take his hand and hold for no reason. Do that "lean thing" women do when they are newly in love and feel both physically and emotionally attached. Snuggle be a little emotional and say " sorry please don't ...." let him say for what. 

This is not just about a single date. Step back and try to the swirl of issues and he they interact; You need to share more of the actual steps you have taken to this point. Are there any secret passwords ? 

What are his triggers ? Do you realize they are for life. It's like knowingly marrying someone with herpes. Herpes can have long periods of dormancy between outbreaks. A reconciliation for life invokes both anticipating defusing triggers before they occur and planed responds when they do. This part of what is meant by "heavy lifting.". Since PA/EA occured you are both the problem and the only one who can fix it. This is in addition to addressing the issues that lead to it. Includes those major issue that belong to him and he must fix. He cannot use your EA as an excuse not to you or use it as an excuse to your EA in your face. When do you get fed up and walk? Bad news most fail, but a few do and those few WQW. So shall we talk specs?


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Dang reread post, "there are a swirl of emotions, study their interaction"


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

I would highly recommend getting this book ASAP.

http://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X


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## Hristo2015 (Aug 31, 2015)

Thanks all. We are both definitely making a huge effort in our marriage. In fact, for the last six months everything has been great and it hasn't come up at all. I think it's the one year anniversary that's triggering it. Plus the fact that I'm still at my old job. 

we did try counseling a few times but we decided that it wasn't really for us. Also, just to be clear I never told OP that I loved him. My mistake in this whole thing was not stopping his emails and also replying (for example if he emailed to say hi, I'd reply hi back). I should've stopped contact the minute it blurred the line but I didn't.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You're still cheating by definition. It doesn't stop until no contact. That's why your husband is triggering.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Don't ask him what is wrong. You know what is wrong.

Ask him "What can I do to help you?"


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

turnera said:


> Don't ask him what is wrong. You know what is wrong.
> 
> Ask him "What can I do to help you?"


I agree with this. It could be interpreted as an insult to one's intelligence when you ask what's wrong and it's quite obvious. Don't give him any ideas that you're playing stupid.....just ask what you can do to help.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> I am guilty of spending time emailing and talking to a male that isn't my husband (taking time away from my marriage) and also of not ending it when it became clear that he wanted more than friends
> My husband saw the emails and I came to realize I had been having an "emotional affair


You knew you were doing wrong and you did not confess but your husband had to find out by your emails.






> Does anyone have any advice for how to deal with everything?


*You will have to spend many years (decades?) proving to him that he is the only man that you will give your emotions or body to. You will have to go overboard in not showing any interest in any man for a very long time.* Your betrayal is not what I would call SUPER serious, the kind that wil lbreak a marriage, but it is going to take a long time for him to heal. What he knows is that you secretly desired and got emotional attention from another man that should have only gotten from your husband. That is a level of betrayal. *However, if you both work at it and do the right things then you will make it and could even get stronger in certain areas. IMO*


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Take the time to sit down and have a drink and talk for 10/15 minutes every day soon as possible when you/both get home

Kids....let them do there homework or TV or anything that will give you the 10/15min

Tell him every day you love him...don't do it at the exact same time as if its a 'good evening'

Try to get into the habit of just touching him on the arm when you talk or hold his arm

Txt him and tell him how's you day ....miss you etc

Let him ask you anything,,,anytime....... AND TELL HIM THE TRUTH

Its so hard every year I trigger for a couple of weeks around the same time and feel like giving up on some days

This will take years and years


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I am not an expert but I think your husbands reaction seems perfectly reasonable. 

It doesn't sound like you are really trying to find a new job 10 months in. Are you just taking the easy road and hoping that your husband will be ok with you staying at your current job? 

My advice try harder to find a new job and be an absolute rock with your commitment to your husband and family. He is struggling now because of the hurt you brought him. 

I do believe you can do this and rebuild but you must expect set backs especially if you still have the job with your affair partner. That would be a deal breaker for me.

Good luck


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Hristo2015

My wife had a six month affair with her coworker, both EA and PA. I was devastated and destroyed, if you haven't been betrayed then you really have no idea what I'm talking about. I was a strong man, now I'm a weak man struggling to find my beliefs and my core as a person. I'm in IC, never needed this before. Today I've gotten stronger, beginning to find myself again after being lost for almost three years. 

My wife lied through the first five months of MC. My wife continued to work with the OM for three months after d-day. That did severe damage to me. What were they doing? How much time together? Your mind races and you are powerless to stop this. You have been looking for ten months, can you transfer? I can tell you this will send your husband into a rage. Yet what are you doing to alleviate his anxiety? How hard are you really looking? Would you allow your husband to still work with the OW? Would you be fine with him saying I've been looking for ten months?

How close did you and OM get? How hurt do you think you would be? Think hard about this, stand in his shoes and try to imagine. I tried to kill myself, I used to love life, I used to make everyone laugh, not anymore. I sat at my kitchen table with a weapon, I pulled the trigger, nothing. Infidelity takes the very breath from your lungs.

As my one year date of d-day approached I went off the deep end. I sat on railroad tracks with my phone blowing up from my therapist and wife. This is what you have brought upon your husband, and yet you still work with OM. My suggestion, take a two week vacation, find any job you can and go back and quit. Have some empathy for your husband, do what needs to be done. 

You need to make your husband feel safe, recognize his triggers. Be there for him when he is hurting, help him find his way back. You should be wanting to crawl into a gopher hole from embarrassment if you see OM, not work with him. Is the OM married? Did your husband expose to OMW? Did you stop this exposure? Have you told anyone of your affair? 

You have a great deal of work ahead of you. I bet you're thinking I'm being harsh, I'm not, I'm being truthful. Your husband is in hell, you put him there, how do you plan to help him heal? If he had the affair what would you want? You need to be vulnerable to him, extend your heart in your hands to him. Tell him your fears, explain why you chose to do what you did. Answer all his questions no matter how many times he asks. 

I'll gladly help you, but you need to get serious about a new job, like yesterday. Good luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hristo2015 (Aug 31, 2015)

We had a talk last night and I asked him if me being at my job was causing triggers for him and I offered to quit ASAP. He told me my job wasn't really the problem but that the one year anniversary and the reminders of how crappy things were last year at this time is making it awful. He said he knows things will get better and we'll move forward but it will take time. 

I did not get that close to OM - he's not married and nothing came out after it ended. With the OM, it was more of him expressing affection for me and then me not shutting it down. He always would say he knew I was married and that he missed his chance and he was emailing me a lot and coming to my office to chat. We never had deep conversations about anything and never talked about a "relationship." The point is, he was a male who was not my husband and as much as I tried to justify it was a close friendship, it wasn't appropriate. My husband though, I don't think he believes that it was just this. He thinks it was more and I have no proof to give him that it wasn't. His trust in me is shattered. I have offered to take a lie detector test, to read my emails, etc. but he doesn't want to. 

As of now, I rarely see OM at work since my company is so large. If I have to have a work discussion with him (we are on the same team but he sits on another floor), I tell my husband.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Listen...

I'm not sure that he's being 100% transparent about the job thing.

But I'm actually _more_ worried about your startling lack of empathy about the whole thing. And not mate guarding yourself.

There are millions of jobs out there. Go find a different one. If not for him, for yourself. Zero contact is, like, a requirement for reconciliation. And I wonder why you dance around justifying the lack of that.


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## Hristo2015 (Aug 31, 2015)

Oh yes, I am definitely getting a new job - as soon as I possibly can. After hearing so many people say this needs to happen for full reconciliation, I am convinced. I applied to three jobs yesterday and am looking again today. Trust me, I have a ton of empathy in this situation. This is the worst mistake of my life and I have to live with that. I never realized how a relationship with the other gender could be such a slippery slope and I would never put myself in this type of situation again.

Also, last night I offered to quit and stay home (and look for a new job) and my husband said that even if I did that, he wasn't sure he could trust me at home and he'd be wondering what I was doing during the day. This was, for some reason, shocking to me - as if he thinks I have an addiction or something? I'm not even a social person, I wasn't looking for anything and after everything that has happened how could I be so stupid to ever do something like this again? Trust me, I have learned my lesson and wish I could take back everything that ever happened with the other person.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Affairs _are_ addictions.

Watched my wife in an EA. She was (and can be again) very addicted to his attention. I will never trust her around him again, ever. She could be old and grey and in a wheelchair, and I wouldn't trust it.

Some of that is me, and some of that is knowing her.

If you wanted to be away from him you would be by now. So why aren't you?


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## Hristo2015 (Aug 31, 2015)

The main reason I haven't left my job is because I have a really great job and have worked here for more than 10 years. I have a lot of flexibility in hours - I work from home two days a week or more, which is helpful with our kids who are school-age. I thought if I didn't see OP at work that I could continue to keep my job and still move forward. I know with a new job, I will have to prove myself again and I won't have flexibility. Also, my husband doesn't want me to travel for work and in my current job I can send other people on my behalf to travel. In a new job that won't be possible and my field typically involves a lot of travel. I am definitely away from the other person, just not away from the job.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Hristo2015 said:


> We had a talk last night and I asked him if me being at my job was causing triggers for him and I offered to quit ASAP. He told me my job wasn't really the problem but that the one year anniversary and the reminders of how crappy things were last year at this time is making it awful. He said he knows things will get better and we'll move forward but it will take time.
> 
> I did not get that close to OM - he's not married and nothing came out after it ended. With the OM, it was more of him expressing affection for me and then me not shutting it down. He always would say he knew I was married and that he missed his chance and he was emailing me a lot and coming to my office to chat. We never had deep conversations about anything and never talked about a "relationship." The point is, he was a male who was not my husband and as much as I tried to justify it was a close friendship, it wasn't appropriate. My husband though, I don't think he believes that it was just this. He thinks it was more and I have no proof to give him that it wasn't. His trust in me is shattered. I have offered to take a lie detector test, to read my emails, etc. but he doesn't want to.
> 
> As of now, I rarely see OM at work since my company is so large. If I have to have a work discussion with him (we are on the same team but he sits on another floor), I tell my husband.


Your post really got to me yesterday, it mirrors virtually what my wife did/didn't do....... only difference was I had the 
satisfaction of seeing the POS leave the country with his wife and children shortly after even though my wife finished 
her highly paid job.

She left and acquired a position with a more regional company to be closer to me as her job took her away sometimes 
when the board was meeting in London/Germany
That was her decision as by that time he had resigned and fled to France

His trust will start to come back but very very slowly and if he's anything like me he will occasionally go through periods 
of checking minutely what you say and even have little panic attacks if some thing happens relating to work...if your late 
home etc. even though you may have phoned/texted him you will be late

Biggest thing is *own what you did* and never try to justify it..you let it go too far .......period.....your fault....not POS

Its been twenty nine months since I found out and some days its like last week....though the pain is less I do wonder if I 
will ever be able to trust her FULLY again...and by simply asking that question of myself after such a long time I think I 
know the answer


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## Hristo2015 (Aug 31, 2015)

Thanks G.J. - your post gives me some hope. I definitely own what I did and regret it every second. If your wife's story is like mine, then I think you will be able to trust her. There is a line in relationships with coworkers and I learned how easily that could be blurred. It is an awful lesson and one that won't be forgotten. And the worst part is, the whole thing with my coworker was so stupid and so meaningless and to have caused so much pain and damage to my H is unfathomable. I am sure your wife has incredible guilt over not only what she did but also for what she did to you.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

The anniversary is called a trigger. Pretty simple actually. You may do something MORE than what he says is enough. Look a little (or a lot more) harder for a job then quit and take it. IF you really want to do something more. Chances are that time will take care of most things, although it will never go away, but you could show your priority to be him and your marriage. It is called the "heavy lifting". IMO


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Please share some of the habits changed or added to build your relationship. Part of the issue, if I was your H, would be the shift of wanting to do something out of love rather then "do it or else." If he truly treasured your relationship the mind games start did I do it right, what I am I missing, is today she walks ? Then human nature kicks into survivor mode causing a person to distance themselves from potentail pain. 

I do think you have empathy and with the job market tight it makes it rough. But that issue is one of many, some realized and some unknown, waiting in line currently being over shadowed. This is why reconciliation cab take time. His attitude many be based on two factors: the family economic reality and a mix of personal issues. Perhaps Marduk"s comment can be meet by you with a discussion of the personal reasons why he says something he dosn't believe. 

Empathy, understanding, action leads to grace. Grace: do you know the story of two sets of footprints in tne sand, then only one set?


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Hristo2015

I have read my post above and I would like to apologize if you took offense to what I wrote. I was in a bad place yesterday and was harsh to someone who genuinely wanted help. So my help is this.

Intensify your job search efforts, I too thought I would be strong enough to handle this, I wasn't. Continuing to work with OM is a ticking time bomb, a risk not needed to be taken by you. You need to make your husband feel safe. Because of the date approaching your husband is being flooded with thoughts and emotions. Comfort him.

His pain is going to increase and every little thing you did during this time is under a microscope. Every ounce of pain felt on d-day returns and crushes you. Triggers seem to come constantly, and last longer. He will need your help, as I needed my wife's help. 

Your husband knows you welcomed the advances of OM. This is a very hurtful and destroying event to a man. He may feel emasculated that you accepted these advances without any thought of him. You never shut down the OM from an invasion into your marriage. What do you think your husband thinks will happen if this arises again? Will you go deeper underground or stop it? I can tell you he isn't thinking you will stop the advances. He doesn't have trust in you, he is alone on an island yet married. 

Emotional affairs are very disturbing to a BS. I still wonder just how deep the emotional attachment was, no matter what my wife tells me. Once the trust is broken, it is very difficult for a BS to trust what a WS tells them. So basically you say anything and he probably will need to trust but verify what you say. 

I wish you well in your reconciliation, it is hard work, and not for the weak. Your strength, resolve, and love are going to be tested as the date approaches. Don't let the date have power over you, you assign the power to the date as does your husband. I didn't get this when it was told to me until after the date passed. Remember this is the day your husband died, his hopes and dreams crashed to a halt as did his marriage. He will need a huge support effort by you, I hope you are up to this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Hristo2015 said:


> The main reason I haven't left my job is because I have a really great job and have worked here for more than 10 years. I have a lot of flexibility in hours - I work from home two days a week or more, which is helpful with our kids who are school-age. I thought if I didn't see OP at work that I could continue to keep my job and still move forward. I know with a new job, I will have to prove myself again and I won't have flexibility. Also, my husband doesn't want me to travel for work and in my current job I can send other people on my behalf to travel. In a new job that won't be possible and my field typically involves a lot of travel. I am definitely away from the other person, just not away from the job.


What I heard in my mind when I read this is "it's inconvenient and I don't want to have to change jobs."

And 


> I am definitely away from the other person


Is contradictory with 


> I rarely see OM at work since my company is so large. If I have to have a work discussion with him (we are on the same team but he sits on another floor), I tell my husband


I think you're still somewhat in what's known as an "affair fog."

You're saying all the right things, but your actions say something else. And for me, only actions matter.

If you wanted to be away from this man, you would be.

If you valued how your husband feels more than you value your flexibility.

If you valued your marriage more than you value your seniority.

If you don't want to travel, you wouldn't have to. 

There are millions of jobs out there. You have one husband and one affair partner.

Make a choice. I think the symbol of that choice, and the one that you are making, is huge.

Even if that isn't currently his trigger.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

One thing if you haven't done this is give him passwords to your phone, email etc. 

Go completely transparent with everything.

It may help get some of the trust back.

Good luck


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Hiristo: I applaud you for coming clean and making the heartfelt and arduous journey in trying to make things right with your H and wish you every continued success in that endeavor!

As a point of information, was this OM that you were involved with also married?*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## afab (Jul 28, 2015)

I think I should come back again. Now you put a whole new perspective on the whole thing. Your husband doesnt trust you that nothing happened between you. I dont think you should change your job unless your husband demands or should I put it better 'asks' you to. 
You job is how to convince your husband. I dont have the answer. All I can say is in the meantime do what you can for him. Show him that you really care. Dont make an argument about it. Tell him that there is no way you can convince him and leave it at that. If he wants to discuss it with you tell him to go ahead. Maybe he can get it out of his system that way.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to find a better counselor. Your husband may also have ptsd symptoms.

As far as the job thing goes, in your field , traveling could very well worsen the situation.

Have thought of taking a polygraph anyway? Maybe being proactive is the way to go.

Get the NOT JUST FRIENDS book linked to below.


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## Hristo2015 (Aug 31, 2015)

Thanks Chaparral - I actually got that book right after everything happened (Not Just Friends) - it was an amazing book that helped us a lot. I guess I could take a polygraph anyway. I do feel like he believes me that it never went physical or that we never went on dates because otherwise I don't think he'd stay. But then when I offered to quit my job right away and just stay home, and he said he isn't sure he'd trust me at home either - that really surprised me. I feel like I got caught in a bad situation and would never let that happen again but to think that he thinks I was let it happen again. I guess I didn't expect that. Also, I am an open book now - I go out to dinner with friends only every other week and I show him the texts/emails as proof of who I am with, we can track each other on our phones, he has my email passwords, all of my accounts are on our family iPad and my phone isn't password protected or anything.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Hristo2015 said:


> Thanks Chaparral - I actually got that book right after everything happened (Not Just Friends) - it was an amazing book that helped us a lot. I guess I could take a polygraph anyway. I do feel like he believes me that it never went physical or that we never went on dates because otherwise I don't think he'd stay. But then when I offered to quit my job right away and just stay home, and he said he isn't sure he'd trust me at home either - that really surprised me. I feel like I got caught in a bad situation and would never let that happen again but to think that he thinks I was let it happen again. I guess I didn't expect that. Also, I am an open book now - I go out to dinner with friends only every other week and I show him the texts/emails as proof of who I am with, we can track each other on our phones, he has my email passwords, all of my accounts are on our family iPad and my phone isn't password protected or anything.



Not to be harsh but I'm hoping now you can see how destroying an EA can be. He has basically no trust in you when you thought he did. You have to understand that his mind, much as my own , thinks the worst. It is how we are wired, you would be the same if the roles reversed. You need to be completely vulnerable, you need to expect that he is dealing with destruction. Everything needs to be rebuilt, from the ground up. You need to see your marriage died, grieve over it as will he, but you can't go back to it. 

You must now see that if he won't trust you at home he most certainly doesn't trust you at work. This is not making him feel safe, it actually destroys more. Maybe switch to every month of going out with friends, and spend that night with him discussing his fears, concerns, and the actions you need to take to correct this. This is far more then just not stopping the OM's advances, it's the fact that you accepted them, and didn't tell your husband. I'm sure that there were lies and deception on your part also, and this will need to be addressed also. 

Good luck Hristo2015.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hristo2015 (Aug 31, 2015)

Thanks Drifting On - I definitely see that he thinks the worst now and you are right that he must not at all trust me at work. Now that I am 100% leaving my job as soon as possible, I think we are doing everything right.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Dear Hristo2015,

While I have no doubt that you are sorry for what happened (i.e., your getting caught), I am less than convinced that you are truly remorseful for betraying your H. I suspect that your H may feel the same way and, frankly, if I were him, I would not even be thinking about trusting you again.

Let's consider how you describe what happened:



Hristo2015 said:


> Hello, last year I ended up in a *situation* with a coworker. In my mind, I was justifying it as a friendship but over time he became more assertive in his feelings for me and we exchanged emails over several weeks. When he became more assertive, I didn't stop it - he was telling me he wished he met me before I got married, or that I was attractive and he missed his chance, etc. *I was flattered and liked the attention and had lately felt like my husband wasn't giving me attention.* But I knew if the tables were turned I'd be livid.
> 
> My husband saw the emails and I came to realize *I had been having an "emotional affair" on one level. On another level, I never wanted a relationship with my coworker* - I love my husband and kids more than anything. *I am guilty of spending time emailing and talking to a male that isn't my husband (taking time away from my marriage) and also of not ending it when it became clear that he wanted more than friends (even though he always said he knew I was married and wouldn't go there, his actions seemed to suggest otherwise with the email frequency and intensity).*
> 
> ...


Stop and think about what you said in your first post. You had an inappropriate, albeit nonphysical, extramarital relationship (commonly called an _'emotional affair'_) but you call it a _"situation"_ and an _"'emotional affair' on one level"_ (but not really because you _"never wanted a relationship,"_ whatever that means). Then you go on to say that you are _"guilty"_ of certain things but no where do you actually admit that you cheated on your H.

Basically, you can't bring yourself to say what you did -- cheat on your H. This suggests to me that, deep down (or maybe not so deep down), you don't accept responsibility for what happened. Rather, in your mind, it was the OM's fault for pursuing you and and your H's fault for not giving you enough attention. In your mind, you are the victim of what two men did to you and all you did was make a _'mistake'_ (as you say repeatedly in the posts quoted below).

After excusing yourself for cheating, you then go on to assess the outcome of your having cheated on your H with the words, _"nearly a year ago," "rebuilding trust," "things are mostly going great"_ and _"things have been so wonderful."_ You focus on how you feel and completely ignore how your betrayed H must feel. Trust me, from his POV, things are not _"so wonderful."_

On top of all this, you completely fail to appreciate that the fact that you are still in contact with the OM would be of concern to your H and cause him pain. This is just another example of you looking at the outcome of your affair solely from your perspective (_'whew, I got a way with it'_) and with little if any regard for your H's feelings (_'the woman I love betrayed me because it made her feel good'_). Basically, your first post is utterly lacking in empathy for your betrayed H.

Unfortunately, your subsequent posts are no better:



Hristo2015 said:


> Thanks all. We are both definitely making a huge effort in our marriage. In fact, *for the last six months everything has been great [focus on your feelings]* and it hasn't come up at all. *I think it's the one year anniversary that's triggering it [rather than what you did].* Plus the fact that I'm still at my old job.
> 
> we did try counseling a few times but we decided that it wasn't really for us. Also, just to be clear *I never told OP that I loved him. ['So what I did wasn't all that bad.']* My *mistake* in this whole thing was not stopping his emails and also replying (for example if he emailed to say hi, I'd reply hi back). I should've stopped contact the minute it blurred the line but I didn't.





Hristo2015 said:


> We had a talk last night and I asked him if me being at my job was causing triggers for him and I offered to quit ASAP. He told me my job wasn't really the problem but that the one year anniversary and the reminders of how crappy things were last year at this time is making it awful. He said he knows things will get better and we'll move forward but it will take time.
> 
> *I did not get that close to OM **[that's you making an excuse for your behavior]* - he's not married and nothing came out after it ended. With the OM,* it was more of him expressing affection for me [another excuse]* and then me not shutting it down. He always would say he knew I was married and that he missed his chance and he was emailing me a lot and coming to my office to chat. *We never had deep conversations about anything and never talked about a "relationship." [and another]* The point is, he was a male who was not my husband and *as much as I tried to justify it was a close friendship, it wasn't appropriate. [A very weak admission, to say the least.]* My husband though, I don't think he believes that it was just this. He thinks it was more and I have no proof to give him that it wasn't. His trust in me is shattered. I have offered to take a lie detector test, to read my emails, etc. but he doesn't want to.
> 
> As of now, *I rarely see OM at work [again, not thinking about how your betrayed H must feel about you continuing to see the OM]* since my company is so large. *If I have to have a work discussion with him (we are on the same team but he sits on another floor), I tell my husband. [Well, that must make your betrayed H feel good, right?]*





Hristo2015 said:


> Oh yes, I am definitely getting a new job - as soon as I possibly can. After hearing so many people say this needs to happen for full reconciliation, I am convinced. I applied to three jobs yesterday and am looking again today. Trust me, I have a ton of empathy in this situation. *This is the worst mistake of my life and I have to live with that. [No, this was the worst thing that you ever did, intentionally and selfishly, to your betrayed H, and he will have to live with that.]* *I never realized how a relationship with the other gender could be such a slippery slope and I would never put myself in this type of situation again. [Again, your write about what happened as if it's all about you. If you were truly remorseful, I would expect you to say something like, "I realize what a terrible thing I have done and I hope never again to do anything like this to my H."]*
> 
> Also, last night I offered to quit and stay home (and look for a new job) and my husband said that even if I did that, he wasn't sure he could trust me at home and he'd be wondering what I was doing during the day. *This was, for some reason, shocking to me - as if he thinks I have an addiction or something? I'm not even a social person, I wasn't looking for anything and after everything that has happened how could I be so stupid to ever do something like this again? Trust me, I have learned my lesson and wish I could take back everything that ever happened with the other person. [Translation: "I am shocked that my H still doesn't trust me. It's like he thinks there's something wrong with me. I never intended to scr*w the OM so it's not like what I did was so terrible. Surely, he realizes how hard this has been for me and therefore that I would never again allow myself to be caught doing something like this. Trust me, that will never happen."]*





Hristo2015 said:


> Thanks G.J. - your post gives me some hope. I definitely own what I did and regret it every second. If your wife's story is like mine, then I think you will be able to trust her. There is a line in relationships with coworkers and I learned how easily that could be blurred. It is an awful lesson and one that won't be forgotten. And the worst part is, the whole thing with my coworker was so stupid and so meaningless and to have caused so much pain and damage to my H is unfathomable. *I am sure your wife has incredible guilt over not only what she did but also for what she did to you.*


This is the post that really got me thinking that you are rather clueless as to what you did to your H and still not willing to accept responsibility for it. Poor G.J. poured his heart out to you to help you understand what it feels like for a man to be betrayed by his W and you respond by saying, in effect, _'boy, that sure must have been hard on your W.'_



Hristo2015 said:


> Thanks Chaparral - I actually got that book right after everything happened (Not Just Friends) - it was an amazing book that helped us a lot. I guess I could take a polygraph anyway. I do feel like he believes me that it never went physical or that we never went on dates because otherwise I don't think he'd stay. But then when I offered to quit my job right away and just stay home, and he said he isn't sure he'd trust me at home either - that really surprised me. *I feel like I got caught in a bad situation and would never let that happen again but to think that he thinks I was let it happen again. I guess I didn't expect that.* Also, I am an open book now - I go out to dinner with friends only every other week and I show him the texts/emails as proof of who I am with, we can track each other on our phones, he has my email passwords, all of my accounts are on our family iPad and my phone isn't password protected or anything.


Again, your describe your cheating on your H with exculpatory words (_"I got caught in a bad situation"_) and express surprise that your H hasn't already gotten over what you did. As in all your other posts, it's all about your feelings, you're not to blame for what happen, you're doing everything right and your H should just hurry up and get over it.



Hristo2015 said:


> Thanks Drifting On - I definitely see that he thinks the worst now and you are right that he must not at all trust me at work. *Now that I am 100% leaving my job as soon as possible, I think we are doing everything right.*


Frankly, this post made me laugh. You think that, if you quit your job, everything will be fine.

Fine for you, maybe, as you will have gotten away, rather lightly, with cheating. But for your betrayed H, well, he'll be stuck not only with a W who cheated on him but one who, a year later, still hasn't demonstrated remorse for what she did or shown empathy for the pain she caused him.


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## sixbravebulls (Aug 18, 2015)

Man, I can sympathize with your hubbie - big time. I caught my wife doing the EXACT same thing, except she was emailing an ex, and it caused a two year depression in me. It's always about "attention." I feel so badly for your hubbie but it's also comforting to know someone is having the same problem I am.

It's been nearly 2 years since I found the emails. Most days, I can barely look at my wife. She's a liar and phony to me now. Nowadays, I just drown myself in work and alcohol and weed to numb my mind. She asks "What's wrong??" a few times a month. I usually just say I'm tired or have a headache, but in my mind I'm thinking, "You, wh*re, that's what wrong." I have developed a moderate drinking problem. I thought about going our separate ways but we have 3 kids and I would never break up their home. 

My advice is don't try to do fake stuff like hold his hand. Men don't want that. You need to show LOYALTY. Quit your job NOW!! I can't even believe you still work there. Screw the money! Also you need to go to counseling big time or it will wear him out.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Bulls if you are boozing hard then that may be worse than breaking up your family. Especially the two year depression. Remember in an airplane the parent puts the oxygen mask on first. Save urself to save ur kids.

Dude


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

GJ OP, but word of advice. You're looking for a rugsweep (maybe not intentionally). Oh, it's been a year and we've been happy, and now he's going south again.

Some have stated it takes 3-5 years to fully recover. I think it takes 3-5 years to see if a BS can truly forgive and move on with a happy life with a WS. They're mulling, is it worth it, can I do this, worrying, wondering, driving myself nuts thinking are they cheating again, etc...

It takes alot of work and it's not just for a couple of years and we're good again. Any marriage, even the good ones, takes alot of work and communication to make it last.

Everyone can plaster on the fake smile and everybody on the outside can say, "WOW, that family has got is made!" Alot of times it's just a fake facade people put up and if you look behind it, you'll see cracks all over the place. It takes both persons to help fix those cracks over and over.

BTW, I'm 18 years in after d-day. It's never going away 100%, they will trigger forever. It lessens but it still happens from time to time. Most people can't pick up on it because they think, we've made it, high five. 

IMO, a BS will trigger once in a while until that last fateful day. And it's not only the BS that suffers, some WS also suffer in their own way. How, by seeing the person in front of them that you know has lost something that was caused by you. Any WS who can't see that they've destroyed a part of a good person forever is still a damn liar IMO and it's still only about them.

I'm far from perfect, we still have our ups and downs. I still get urges to just say F this. Too hard, she won't ever know....I've been offered here and there and it took more than every ounce of willpower and even more to make me turn down those opportunities.

I've told my wife, I would never cheat again. If I was going to, I'll server her with divorce papers 1st. And that almost happened once before, but that's another story (had nothing to do with another woman, but lack of intimacy caused by both of us.) If you want to read my story, just search for my posts. It took us 10 years after d-day (major rugsweep) for me to one day decide we needed to make this work or we needed to move on.  And that was 3 kids in already in those 10 years.

Damn, did I just write another novel lol.


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## Sylvia Smith (Aug 24, 2015)

Hristo2015 said:


> Hello, last year I ended up in a situation with a coworker. In my mind, I was justifying it as a friendship but over time he became more assertive in his feelings for me and we exchanged emails over several weeks. When he became more assertive, I didn't stop it - he was telling me he wished he met me before I got married, or that I was attractive and he missed his chance, etc. I was flattered and liked the attention and had lately felt like my husband wasn't giving me attention. But I knew if the tables were turned I'd be livid.
> 
> My husband saw the emails and I came to realize I had been having an "emotional affair" on one level. On another level, I never wanted a relationship with my coworker - I love my husband and kids more than anything. I am guilty of spending time emailing and talking to a male that isn't my husband (taking time away from my marriage) and also of not ending it when it became clear that he wanted more than friends (even though he always said he knew I was married and wouldn't go there, his actions seemed to suggest otherwise with the email frequency and intensity).
> 
> ...


Talk about the past if you must. Tell him it was only a mistake and what you feel for your husband. Express your love to him; do special things for him that make him realize you're sorry and want to make things better. Re-building trust takes time and you too must be patient with your husband. Of course he's hurt and disappointed in you - even he's trying to move on. Say sorry and reassure him that it won't happen again. Having said that, put in real efforts in to your marriage that speak louder than words. Further, When I was searching on google about your problem, i found a interesting stuff which can somewhat help you Infidelity in marriage.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

I loved my exw, so very much. When I discovered the ugly, I was more upset with myself. I did not see this, where was I. How could I be so blind. I walked away because it was physical. If it was emotional, maybe. I believe in second chances, unless there is a deal breaker. From how I felt, my ego took a big hit, self esteem, self worth, being a man. I think if anything if he loves you, I mean deeply to the bone, that time and your extreme patience and understanding, he may forgive you. But the flip side to that is he won't forget. I say won't because I didnt, it's been six years. Good luck to you, this journey will be long, but it might be good as well.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Sylvia Smith said:


> Talk about the past if you must. *Tell him it was only a mistake *and what you feel for your husband. Express your love to him; do special things for him that make him realize you're sorry and want to make things better. Re-building trust takes time and you too must be patient with your husband. Of course he's hurt and disappointed in you - even he's trying to move on. Say sorry and reassure him that it won't happen again. Having said that, put in real efforts in to your marriage that speak louder than words. Further, When I was searching on google about your problem, i found a interesting stuff which can somewhat help you Infidelity in marriage.


Never, never use the word "mistake" to describe what you did. That is an attempt to minimize the affair. A mistake is putting on a mismatched pair of socks, or turning right instead of left.

I give OP credit for understanding that what she did was a choice she made. Unfortunately, she did not understand the damage it would cause until it was too late.

I don't think she fully understands the depth of damage she has done to her husband. She seems surprised by the fact that he no longer trusts her words 100%.

OP your husband needs to rebuild trust in you. That will not happen overnight. All people are different and it may take years for trust to be rebuilt. Also understand that it will be your actions that help him rebuild trust in you. 

Good luck.


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## Pufferfish (Sep 25, 2013)

Hristo2015 said:


> Also, last night I offered to quit and stay home (and look for a new job) and my husband said that even if I did that, he wasn't sure he could trust me at home and he'd be wondering what I was doing during the day.


The above is the absolute truth from your husband. As far as he's concerned, you could have done the whole karma sutra with this coworker. He can't trust your word because he knows you have already lied by omission.

The fact that you are still working with this coworker is rubbing your husband's face in it. If you truly value your marriage, you should quit your job already. Everyday you spend working with this guy suggests to your husband that you might still be at it with him - in the office, in a car in the parking lot or at a nearby hotel during your lunch hour.

I would hazard a bet that this has contributed to your husband not healing and that is why you are here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Not much advice to give, except to treat the "anniversary" as any other day. If your husband doesn't mention it, don't you. The danger is that your husband will think you are remembering it, fondly. Or as an important event in your life. If he does mention it, tell him that it isn't important at all, but that HE is very important. Dwell on the OM as little as possible. Make it ALL about you and your husband and your future. As far as day to day things go, you are already getting a lot of good advice, from other posters.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Note that the OP hasn't posted on this thread since September 2 and hasn't visited TAM in more than a month.


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