# Affection only if it results in sex?



## cashybum (Aug 16, 2012)

Guys would you not hug, kiss or cuddle if you knew you it probably wasn't going to result in sex? For example, would you make out with your significant other for a minute if you were about to leave to go to work?

Also.. Do you kiss a lot when you're having sex or not very much? 

Just curious what other people are like...


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

My husband's love language is touch. He would hug, cuddle, smooch all day long. Whether sex followed would have exactly nothing to do with that.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

It doesn't always have to lead into sex, but it can't be just kisses and hugs. As long as sex is a regular and frequent part of the relationship, then ya, gimme a long smooch before work...I want it!


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

tulsy said:


> It doesn't always have to lead into sex, but it can't be just kisses and hugs. As long as sex is a regular and frequent part of the relationship, then ya, gimme a long smooch before work...I want it!


:iagree:


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

cashybum said:


> Guys would you not hug, kiss or cuddle if you knew you it probably wasn't going to result in sex?


Would you ever go to a restaurant and smell the food, knowing you'd probably not get to eat it? 



CASYBUM said:


> For example, would you make out with your significant other for a minute if you were about to leave to go to work?


Yes. 

The first part of the quote seems to suggest something more than just a minute of kissin... thats why i broke it down. Having said that, it depends on the situation.


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## Lynn.Roemer (Jun 29, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> My husband's love language is touch. He would hug, cuddle, smooch all day long. Whether sex followed would have exactly nothing to do with that.


Off topic, perhaps, but I think this proves you're SomebodySpecial.


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## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

I know its a chicken/egg thing, but once I've gone long enough without sex, I'm not exactly in a happy/huggy mood. Yes it works against me and I wish I could re-wire myself, but that's how it goes.


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## SeekingEcstasy (Jun 20, 2014)

If I have been getting positive attention, then I love to touch every time we pass and I'll seek out hugs and kisses expecting no sex. If I get any negative signals (turning a shoulder into me as I approach, circling around to prevent getting close, remarks that are negative or critical, etc) I will shut down for the day. Two days in a row and I'll shut down for a week. There is a point where it is up to her to get me restarted. I used to like just swating her butt lightly when the opertunity was available but recently, after nearly 20 years, she said that was a poor way to initiate anything (I'm sure she meant sex although it was not connected to sex for me, just attention). So now I don't swat at all and I actually do less of the other stuff. I'm less sure about what I'm allowed.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

SE

I cannot speak for others but I don't mind at all if my H swots my rear (in private) when he passes me by. BUT, if the only time he ever comes near me it is a sexual/semi sexual type of touch (and I consider swotting my rear to be along those lines) then i do mind alot. 

Touch for me needs to be balanced out - sometimes completely non sexual touches and sometimes "naughty" touches. If it's all sexual type touching with/without the intention of it leadig to sex, it can make a person feel objectified. 

That said, I think I can understand your confusion about not knowing what is allowed. Only way to find out what another person wants and needs is to discuss it and also let the other know what you want and need and what you are and are not comfortable doing. 

Thankfully, lately myself and H are communicating better although we still have a way to go. I am much more open than I was and he is a bit more open too and I appreciate his honesty and efforts even if I don't always like what I hear. 

Love Language Physical Touch

Above link has an interesting take on kind of trading different types of touch and getting some balance all round to suit both parties.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

getting laid, especially if you are older, involves a lot of kissing, touching, fondling, way before the actual sex act. It gets the brain going....turns on the horniness that might not be there naturally. So yeah, I do it all I can...eventually expecting that sex will happen


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## HDsocal (Nov 19, 2010)

affection as part of a sexual relationship, yes
affection as part of a sex starved relationship, no

I used to be very affectionate, a kiss every morning on my way to work, hugs first thing when I saw her after coming home, hand holding, just wanting to feel her touch, not as a prelude to sex but because a truly felt (and believed she felt) a connection from this... None of these were to get sex but just part of the overall affection I felt for her. 

I stopped doing this years ago, the starving of the sexual part of the relationship created such resentment that these simple gestures became pain full for me. They stopped and the sad thing is I realized they were not missed by her.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

HDsocal said:


> affection as part of a sexual relationship, yes
> affection as part of a sex starved relationship, no
> 
> I used to be very affectionate, a kiss every morning on my way to work, hugs first thing when I saw her after coming home, hand holding, just wanting to feel her touch, not as a prelude to sex but because a truly felt (and believed she felt) a connection from this... None of these were to get sex but just part of the overall affection I felt for her.
> ...


Ding ding ding...

To ALL nothing operates in a vacuum. There will be a reaction once the marital norms are abandoned by either spouse.

Each has an innate sense of fairness/balance and when they feel jilted..it effects all involved once they take action to try to rectify the imbalance.

Hence this forum


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## HDsocal (Nov 19, 2010)

it is all connected... as trying2 stated 'nothing operates in a vacuum'

with a loss of sex or a mismatched desire, affection wanes. You can argue that the cycle goes the other way, affection leaves resulting in a loss of desire.

But from my vantage point, once the desire has gone everything else in the relationship starts to break down.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I can wash and wax my car without going for a drive but no sane person waxes a car that they know will never run. Without mobility, a vehicle ceases to be a vehicle. A sexless woman might as well be a guy or a piece of plastic fruit. Anyone who abhors mating has no business even pretending to be someone's mate.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

CASE_Sensitive said:


> I know its a chicken/egg thing, but once I've gone long enough without sex, I'm not exactly in a happy/huggy mood. Yes it works against me and I wish I could re-wire myself, but that's how it goes.


I agree with the above.

Its like asking a woman to initiate sex and to do so without foreplay or 'romance'.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SeekingEcstasy (Jun 20, 2014)

It is interesting to me the way different people look at the same issues. Take my earlier comments about swatting my wife's butt in passing and her comment that it was not a way to start something (after 14 years). To me, it was never sexual. Sometimes in passing, I would run my hand softly across her upper back and trail off at her elbow. sometimes I would trail my hand across her butt, sometimes, mostly when she was bent over, I would lightly swat, sometimes I would pause for a hug from behind. None of that was sexual to me because I continued my trip. It was just noticing her and wanting us to feel each others presence. 

But, of course, most of that went away after her comment. If we pass each other 100 times a day we will tough twice. Of 100 touches, I initiate 975. These days she says to just tell her when I want sex. When I mention it, she says something like, "OK if that's what you want." or "That will be a lot for this week." Then I want to say "Nevermind" but that will set her off on a "I said we could, make up your mind what you want" speech. She acts like she hasno clue how mechanical and meaningless she can make things with a few words. She even complains about a lack of intimacy at times.

Like others have said, it is all tied together. Also, it is often very small things. The couples that seem to do the best seem to realize that they must contribute lovingly and with purpose. Their spouse has to be built up continually (both spouses) in order for them to have what they need to give their part. When one side breaks down, it all crumbles.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

I am affectionate because I love her and I want to express that and I want her to know that she is loved. I don't give affection hoping to get sex.

I do realize that they are intertwined, though, and that I am priming the pump by being affectionate. Still, I do it because I want her to know how I feel about her, not because I want sex.

I am rarely ever just interested in "sex." Usually I am looking for some kind of connection. That might be sex, it might be affection, it might be making out, it might be talking.

I try to keep her guessing, actually. It becomes boring when I become predictable. That doesn't mean that we don't have our "things" that we do. Every couple does, and those are special for each couple. But I don't give or do anything with the expectation that it will result in something else. Maybe I learned that from NMMNG.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Lynn.Roemer said:


> Off topic, perhaps, but I think this proves you're SomebodySpecial.


Awwwww.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

cashybum said:


> Guys would you not hug, kiss or cuddle if you knew you it probably wasn't going to result in sex? For example, would you make out with your significant other for a minute if you were about to leave to go to work?
> 
> Also.. Do you kiss a lot when you're having sex or not very much?
> 
> Just curious what other people are like...



My love language is Physical rating 12, so I love to hug, wet kiss, physicality, cuddle on the couch and sex, give and receive.

I don't expect sex all the time or even every day. Just cuddling, talking, hugs and passionate kisses are fine one day and the next, crazy sex, even though this does turn me on and I could have sex every day.

Would I make out with my wifee before work and no sex? Ummmm.......NO. That's just silly talk. If you start something, you finish it. Just a quick kiss and hug before we go to work is fine with me, but making out, quickie sex before work for sure.

You should love sex, want sex yourself, not to primarily please your man, and often. He should never be asking and begging you for sex ever. If you take care of his need, this will not be the case and watch how he showers you with attention, romance, talking, cuddling, holding hands, surprises, etc. But little sex = little everything else. Take care of his needs and he will take care of yours. Stop taking care of his needs and your needs won't be taken care of after a while.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

If sex is a regular part of your life then no I don't think every smooch and cuddle should lead to sex and nor would it bother you.

However, I think if you do smooch and cuddle but it never (or maybe once a month) leads to sex I think you get more and more desperate and if nothing happens you suddenly lose all interest.

Like a dog begging at the table...once it realises its a waste of time and its not going to get anything it simply gives up and walks away.

Sex is how we show you we love you, reject us and we see it as a rejection of our love.
Reject us once too often and we will suddenly switch off, withdraw and lose all sexual interest in you.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

askari said:


> If sex is a regular part of your life then no I don't think every smooch and cuddle should lead to sex and nor would it bother you.
> 
> However, I think if you do smooch and cuddle but it never (or maybe once a month) leads to sex I think you get more and more desperate and if nothing happens you suddenly lose all interest.
> 
> ...


Signed.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

tulsy said:


> It doesn't always have to lead into sex, but it can't be just kisses and hugs. As long as sex is a regular and frequent part of the relationship, then ya, gimme a long smooch before work...I want it!


This is true but for some men but not all. My husband usually can't hug and kiss without becoming aroused when we are alone. I need affection outside of sex. We came up with a compromise. We hug and touch each other when there is no possibility of sex. 

Not the "get a room" type of touching. When we are out, with kids etc we hold hands, we stand close together touching, hold each other around the waist etc. I get my quota of affection and he is does not get aroused.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Just the very nature and wording of the question, and the resulting answers shows a very different view among people in what sex actually is to a marriage. I am of the thought that at it's core, there is nothing special about sex within the relationship that sets it apart from any other thing. I don't put it on some kind of pedestal, elevate above anything else. I feel that when it becomes over valued, that it can become a bargaining tool, a way of manipulation, and the fact that there are countless stories here where it has become just that show the danger in elevating as such. The same can be said for affection too.

When I sought out a partner after my first marriage ended in a four year sexless, affectionless drought, I made sure my new partner held a similar view. With my wife and I, we are always very affectionate. Holding hands driving down the road, walking into the store, arms around each other waiting in line, touching any time we pass, and pretty much, situation appropriate of course, sex is never off the table.


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