# I can't stop lying to my wife



## Ruby1991 (Jul 21, 2017)

I really am trying to change all of my negative quality's that have slowly deteriorated my marriage. My biggest thing right now is my lying. I do things then even though i know my wife is going to find out I lie about them. We're trying to work things out and I've really been being honest with her until last night she doesn't like me drinking and I drank we're long distance so I planned on her not even knowing which was my first mistake and I realize now that's still a lie but then I slurred my speach one time and she asked me if i had been drinking knowing she will hang up and not talk to me till the next day the first thing out of my mouth was no I haven't she said I know you have tell me the truth or I'm hanging up I keep lying to her telling her I hadn't drank she hangs up anyways. I ended up confessing today so she finally talked to me but then she got so mad that I still lied to her I think she might be done but I want to put in effort to change this and hopefully get yet another chance. Instead of just accepting the initial consequences of her not talking to me I have now potentially lost my wife. I told her I was changing and to her it looks like I'm not but I'm really working on everything with myself. This is just one example pretty much all of my lies to her are very similar with differences in what the lie is about. I know the first solution is to not do things I have to lie about. I'm looking for any kind of advice on things I can do to get out of this habit. Things I can put into practice or think about when I'm talking to her to remind myself to tell the truth no matter what. I'm trying to be the man I want to be for my family and my wife and actually make that happen. This is also my first post on here if there's another section someone thinks might be more helpful to post in let me know.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

You could also stop lying to yourself:
It doesn't sound like you're changing at all.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Ruby1991 said:


> I really am trying to change all of my negative quality's that have slowly deteriorated my marriage. My biggest thing right now is my lying. I do things then even though i know my wife is going to find out I lie about them. We're trying to work things out and I've really been being honest with her until last night she doesn't like me drinking and I drank we're long distance so I planned on her not even knowing which was my first mistake and I realize now that's still a lie but then I slurred my speach one time and she asked me if i had been drinking knowing she will hang up and not talk to me till the next day the first thing out of my mouth was no I haven't she said I know you have tell me the truth or I'm hanging up I keep lying to her telling her I hadn't drank she hangs up anyways. I ended up confessing today so she finally talked to me but then she got so mad that I still lied to her I think she might be done but I want to put in effort to change this and hopefully get yet another chance. Instead of just accepting the initial consequences of her not talking to me I have now potentially lost my wife. I told her I was changing and to her it looks like I'm not but I'm really working on everything with myself. This is just one example pretty much all of my lies to her are very similar with differences in what the lie is about. I know the first solution is to not do things I have to lie about. I'm looking for any kind of advice on things I can do to get out of this habit. Things I can put into practice or think about when I'm talking to her to remind myself to tell the truth no matter what. I'm trying to be the man I want to be for my family and my wife and actually make that happen. This is also my first post on here if there's another section someone thinks might be more helpful to post in let me know.


Sure you can you just don't want to. If your life depended on it you would tell the truth. You are lying to yourself as well.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You need to get help for your drinking. If you eliminate the things that you lie about, you won't be tempted to lie.

and get into counseling about the lying.


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## Ruby1991 (Jul 21, 2017)

My first thing I'm going to do is counseling but I don't have insurance at the moment switching plans will have in a day or 2 so I can make an appointment just really want to be doing everything I can to fix this and get any advice I can in the mean time. I can quit the drinking easy I don't even want it when I'm around her and my kids but I always find something to lie about like i said I know my first step is to stop doing or being in situations where I have to lie. And I'm also going to start telling her things before I even have a chance to lie about it. I also would maybe like a more detailed explanation of how I'm lying to myself? She has given me alot of chances to change and I'm really starting to realize all my faults and actually work on them and put effort into it not just saying I'm going to change. I'm doing all the research I can, writing list and plans on things to change my habits from bad to good. and getting involved in my church as much as I can and getting some guidance from the priests since I don't need insurance to talk to them right now.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Ruby1991 said:


> My first thing I'm going to do is counseling but I don't have insurance at the moment switching plans will have in a day or 2 so I can make an appointment just really want to be doing everything I can to fix this and get any advice I can in the mean time. I can quit the drinking easy I don't even want it when I'm around her and my kids but I always find something to lie about like i said I know my first step is to stop doing or being in situations where I have to lie. And I'm also going to start telling her things before I even have a chance to lie about it. I also would maybe like a more detailed explanation of how I'm lying to myself? She has given me alot of chances to change and I'm really starting to realize all my faults and actually work on them and put effort into it not just saying I'm going to change. I'm doing all the research I can, writing list and plans on things to change my habits from bad to good. and getting involved in my church as much as I can and getting some guidance from the priests since I don't need insurance to talk to them right now.


You say you can stop drinking easily,you've probably done it loads of times yes?.You may not be an alcoholic yet but you are showing a lot of early warning signs.Google AA or friends of Bill W and take their online questionnaire.
Your wife can't trust you and with good reason,if you lie about everyday stuff then how does she know what else you lie about.
Lying uncontrollably is a sign of low self esteem,looking for admiration from family and colleagues,seeking to control a situation that you believe is detrimental to yourself and is also a way of hiding failure.Pick whichever one fits and work on that.
It is exhausting living with someone like this because you literally can't believe a word they say.


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## Robbie1234 (Feb 8, 2017)

Ruby1991 said:


> My first thing I'm going to do is counseling but I don't have insurance at the moment switching plans will have in a day or 2 so I can make an appointment just really want to be doing everything I can to fix this and get any advice I can in the mean time. I can quit the drinking easy I don't even want it when I'm around her and my kids but I always find something to lie about like i said I know my first step is to stop doing or being in situations where I have to lie. And I'm also going to start telling her things before I even have a chance to lie about it. I also would maybe like a more detailed explanation of how I'm lying to myself? She has given me alot of chances to change and I'm really starting to realize all my faults and actually work on them and put effort into it not just saying I'm going to change. I'm doing all the research I can, writing list and plans on things to change my habits from bad to good. and getting involved in my church as much as I can and getting some guidance from the priests since I don't need insurance to talk to them right now.


Take this as a warning.Hiding your drinking is the first sign of being an alcoholic


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Ruby91

1. Actions speak louder than words, I suspect you talk alot about changing but do nothing (your wife sees this)

2. Drinking is an issue in your marriage, get some help. I sense you are minimising the role of alcohol in your marriage?

3. Lying and defensiveness are destroyers of marriage, they chip away at the trust, your wife does not trust you.
You lie because it is easier than having to explain yourself or meet with your wife's displeasure, it is a skin saving and selfish tactic

4. I do not understand spouses who know what they have to do to keep their wife/husband but wont until she is walking out the door; you are one of those. Believe me when she crosses the point of no return, she is done.

When your pain of losing your marriage exceeds your discomfort of being transparent, you will change. Unfortunately, your wife may have decided she is done.

I would suggest you sit her down, talk to her about
a. your weaknesses, 
b. your need for her support to resolve these issues (women are natural nurturers and I bet your wife would be so much happier if you quit the lying and let her help you)
c. if you have money to go out drinking, you have money for counsellors, so stop making excuses. Church priests/pastors are usually free


Seriously, get your act together, you know what you have to do


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## Ruby1991 (Jul 21, 2017)

Yes I am literally an addict I quit everything drugs and all for 3 years even before my wife but now it's like everytime I mess up I make it worse by drinking for a month. I'm quite aware of me having an alcohol problem quitting that has always been a hell of alot easier than when I quit drugs. That's the thing I don't just make up lies to impress people about everyday stuff but when confronted it's an automatic reaction I'll even think to myself right after I do it why did I just lie, and want to come clean immediately but then don't want to admit I just lied even if the person already knows. 

I've figured out the things I lie about and why I lie because I know there will be consequences and I'll cause disappointment with he truth. And yes in the past I have but I've taken alot of step like I said and am putting everything I have into changing this time. And have shown her all my notes I've been taking and giving her proof that I'm working on this so that she does believe me. Just like I realize I'm going to have to do for probably years to repair what I've done. Give her proof of what I'm doing throughout my day so there's no chance to even lie and I'm held accountable from doing things to lie about. There's no minimilizing of the alcohol. When I'm with her I don't even think about it. I realize what I've been doing is selfish I also realize If I was just honest in the first place we wouldn't have alot of the problems we do and most everything i ve lied about we could have worked through but lying has always made things 100× worse. 

And I literally didn't realize what I've been doing till recently and it hit me like a ton of bricks so I had no idea how to fix it I always would just think OK I can stop lying and just try to do it. So telling me I waited till my wife is walking out the door to change is upsetting I love my wife and I always feel immediate remorse when i lie to her and I hate myself more and more everytime I hurt her. If I had reallized someone could need therapy for lying I would have done more research and taken these steps sooner. We definitely have been talking and she has pointed them out to me and I was more attentive and open to everything she told me than I have been to anything ever.everything she told me I have been coming up with ways to fix. 

She is very disconnected right now but has agreed to support at least a little. I've told her before I tell her anything or answer any question I'm going to pause from now on and ask my self if what im saying is a lie and if I answer immediately or to fast even if it's the truth for her to tell me to think about what I said or tell me to when she asks me the question. I don't have insurance I called places that quoted me 500 with no insurance but I have been working diligently to get that set up because I know I need therapy. And I did say I have been talking to the priests at my church for help. I hope I addressed the lying to myself part. 

And the fact that I'm actually trying and that's why I'm here, I'm using every resource I can to fix myself. I know how big of a piece of crap I am for hurting my wife like this I really just want to find some solutions I can practice in my everyday life to keep myself from lying, even if I've done something wrong which i pray I don't do and to keep me accountable to myself and her so I don't do things to put me in a position to lie. And possibly little things I can start with to build even the smallest amount of trust back I know that's mostly just going to be time though.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

you formed a habit of lying because you had to being a drug user.

quit the booze and there is nothing to lie about.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Ruby1991 said:


> Yes I am literally an addict I quit everything drugs and all for 3 years even before my wife but now it's like everytime I mess up I make it worse by drinking for a month. I'm quite aware of me having an alcohol problem quitting that has always been a hell of alot easier than when I quit drugs. That's the thing I don't just make up lies to impress people about everyday stuff but when confronted it's an automatic reaction I'll even think to myself right after I do it why did I just lie, and want to come clean immediately but then don't want to admit I just lied even if the person already knows. I've figured out the things I lie about and why I lie because I know there will be consequences and I'll cause disappointment with he truth. And yes in the past I have but I've taken alot of step like I said and am putting everything I have into changing this time. And have shown her all my notes I've been taking and giving her proof that I'm working on this so that she does believe me. Just like I realize I'm going to have to do for probably years to repair what I've done. Give her proof of what I'm doing throughout my day so there's no chance to even lie and I'm held accountable from doing things to lie about. There's no minimilizing of the alcohol. When I'm with her I don't even think about it. I realize what I've been doing is selfish I also realize If I was just honest in the first place we wouldn't have alot of the problems we do and most everything i ve lied about we could have worked through but lying has always made things 100× worse. And I literally didn't realize what I've been doing till recently and it hit me like a ton of bricks so I had no idea how to fix it I always would just think OK I can stop lying and just try to do it. So telling me I waited till my wife is walking out the door to change is upsetting I love my wife and I always feel immediate remorse when i lie to her and I hate myself more and more everytime I hurt her. If I had reallized someone could need therapy for lying I would have done more research and taken these steps sooner. We definitely have been talking and she has pointed them out to me and I was more attentive and open to everything she told me than I have been to anything ever.everything she told me I have been coming up with ways to fix. She is very disconnected right now but has agreed to support at least a little. I've told her before I tell her anything or answer any question I'm going to pause from now on and ask my self if what im saying is a lie and if I answer immediately or to fast even if it's the truth for her to tell me to think about what I said or tell me to when she asks me the question. I don't have insurance I called places that quoted me 500 with no insurance but I have been working diligently to get that set up because I know I need therapy. And I did say I have been talking to the priests at my church for help. I hope I addressed the lying to myself part. And the fact that I'm actually trying and that's why I'm here, I'm using every resource I can to fix myself. I know how big of a piece of crap I am for hurting my wife like this I really just want to find some solutions I can practice in my everyday life to keep myself from lying, even if I've done something wrong which i pray I don't do and to keep me accountable to myself and her so I don't do things to put me in a position to lie. And possibly little things I can start with to build even the smallest amount of trust back I know that's mostly just going to be time though.




Addiction (of any kind) goes hand in hand with lying. You have an addictive personality hence the problem. You need another man (someone who is dependable, honest, upright etc.) to be accountable to. Some churches have Men's Accountability Groups, check it out. AA works in a similar manner, look into it also, You cannot change unless you are held accountable to someone else (not your wife). 

It is good you have a diary to keep track of your thoughts, etc. But thoughts are not actions.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

My husband is just like you. Always lied about the dumbest things, all because he was scared to get "in trouble". I use to always say... I don't want perfect, I just want honesty. 

Being lied to constantly is the worst feeling. It leaves you feeling uncertain, unsure, insecure, and just not safe and that's not how your husband should make you feel. It was exhausting emotionally and I just never understood it. 

Here is my advice... be a freakin man. Stop being afraid of making your wife mad, who cares if she gets mad!!!! She is allowed to get mad. You are not allowed to constantly lie. Man up. You are her husband not her child. If you want to drink, drink and tell her your going to drink!


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## whattodowithhim (Jul 27, 2017)

You're weak. If you are aware of it you can change it. It's hard isn't it. But you can change it if you want to bad enough. It takes commitment. Local colleges have free therapy from graduate students, make a few calls. Stop making excuses. Man up, put your balls on the table and handle your s.hit. Jeez. Bet you hate what you see in the mirror, huh. So, fix it. Enough is enough. Do you have kids? If so, what kind of man do you want them to remember you as? The more you do this crap, the worse you feel about yourself and the cycle continues. Talk to yourself. Always. Listen to your little voice. You have a gag on him right now. Let him talk! You feel like crap because of your conscience. You know what you are doing is wrong. You will never feel happiness or joy on this path of your own making. Selfishness and joy CANNOT exist in one person. It is impossible. Stop thinking of yourself. Your are not a victim, you are a grown ass man in a wealthy country. Most of the 8 billion people on earth do not have the luxuries we take for granted. Like, a job, a car, shelter, running water and electricity. While you're crying about your drug use and drinking, most out there are fighting to survive and wondering where there next meal will come from. I have lived in third world countries. They don't have time for this crap, moping etc.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Go to CODA meetings. Co-dependency. Hopefully there is one in your area. And also, buy books on it. That can be under control if you want.


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

Lying to yourself is all i am reading from your post, you lie to your wife as you will lie to probably everyone, just stop doing it, you will feel better, the people around you will trust you, i think you should speak to someone to help with this issue if you can't stop yourself from lying to all and sundry.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Did you lie a lot as a kid growing up? Were you afraid that you'd get in trouble if you told the truth, etc? I had a friend a few years back who use to lie about everything, even the most meaningless things, and she had a terrible childhood, where she learned to lie a lot to prevent her parents from hurting her. This isn't an excuse, but I'm just wondering if your struggle with telling the truth goes way back.


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