# Is It Cheating?



## LadyBing (Jun 24, 2013)

I have been married to the same man for 25 years. We have an active and very sensual sex life. Before all the young people simultaneously, go "ewwww" and quit reading, this is very good news. Your libido stays active and interested well into your 60's. Well, I digress. Personally, I stay fit and toned and am very sexual. My husband is all of that and more. For as long as I have known him, he has enjoyed porn. First it was magazines, then internet pictures and videos. Lately, with the introduction of iPad, his online activity has become very secretive and secluded. My fear is that he has graduated to on line chat or live interaction. For me, and I believe he knows this, "live" crosses a line into infidelity. I've wrestled with plausible explanations: needs the variety after 25 years, needs additional stimulation to achieve erection, or, he is completely bored with my body and sexuality. I am sure I won't know the reason unless I confront him. I don't want to confront him for any number of reasons, not the least of which I don't want a divorce. So my real question is this: How do I live with the situation and cope with the anxiety. The anxiety is serious. It affects my appetite, my ability to focus, my sleep and my emotional stability. I've thought of the usual remedies like drugs, alcohol or my own on-line affair. For obvious reasons, I have not acted on any of these options. So, I am asking this forum anonomyously for advice. Please help me take the right course of action.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

I too have been married a long time. If it were me, I would just say, "I am not sure what you are doing on that ipad all the time, but I sure hope it is not porn. You do understand that any live interaction is crossing the line? In addition to that, too much porn has been proven to cause men to become ED with real women. I am not saying you are doing this, just want you to understand where I am on it. I wouldn't want our sex life to suffer as I really enjoy you."


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## Principal (Mar 21, 2013)

I'm sorry this is happening in your relationship. Heavy use of porn is not a healthy thing IMHO. More like an addiction. We men are like moths to a flame - we just can't help ourselves. 

For me, this article did the trick...

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...rn-induced-sexual-dysfunction-growing-problem

After reading it, I stopped watching porn completely. It has been a number of months now and I'm glad I did. It may or may not work for your partner, but if you are really really careful about how you bring it up with him, and somehow encourage him to read this article, it may or may not appeal to him - worth a try. Think long and hard about how you go about this as you may only get one shot at getting your husband to see he is going to far with it. He will have to decide he wants to change direction for his own benefit.

I'm glad I did.

(p.s. I know many people enjoy porn and I'm not against it by any means. Just think it can get way out of hand and can so easily cross the line from being an enhancement between a couple to becomming an obsession for one person.)


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Secrecy has no place in marriage, that is him betraying your trust. He has secrets that he is desiring to hide from you.

So already by making the choice to have a secret relationship with this activity and material he is betraying the marriage.

Now is porn cheating? I personally don't think so. It's the male version of romance novels. It's pure fantasy. Yes it can go to far and become an obsession. Anything can, even watching duck dynasty.

I do think once you cross the line in online porn to where it is a real person you are interacting with , then it is cheating. It isn't fantasy created your head looking at another body, it's now another person responding to you , reacting to you. That's a relationship with that person. It maybe be sided with the other person just acting, but it is a relationship with another person.


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## carltoncl (Jun 24, 2013)

You state that your sexual relationship is very healthy and sensual. You state that your husband is spending inappropriate amounts of time on the iPad. Unsaid but assumed is that your husband's iPad time is diminishing your previously healthy sexual relationship. Is that right?


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## LadyBing (Jun 24, 2013)

Carl, no, actually it doesn't seem to be interfering with our sex life. It's difficult for me to put his iPad time out of my mind while making love, but, he seems completely attentive and turned on as he ever was. So, one of my questions was whether or not he needed the additional stimulation. Whatever his reasons, I need help coping in a healthy way.

Justher, that seems like good sound advice. I will consider those words and potential consequences once my nerves are in check.

I suppose the real damage is to my self esteem. I can't help but feel inferior to whomever is on the other side of the iPad. I know I will never be 30 again and I'm guessing, these "others" are. It seems like a competition and I can't win. It's an emotional blow. Maybe not as bad as a physical affair, but, it feels that way.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

If you think he's escalating his porn use to chat and live interaction and he's been secretive with the ipad, then he's crossed your boundaries. If you are having trouble eating, sleeping and are now stressed out, it's become a marital problem. You have a right to address this with your husband.

It sounds like you have a good relationship otherwise. Can you just ask him if he's escalated to chat and live webcams? Do you think he'd lie to you about it?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

By refusing to confront him, you are giving him permission to continue to cheat. And yes, if he's doing live chat, he IS cheating. But you don't even know WHAT he's doing. For all you know he could be hiring escorts.

If all you want to do is deal with it and pretend it isn't happening, then I have no advice for you. I would never put up with that in my marriage. I didn't. You can read my story through the link in my sig if you like - my husband was engaged in the live porn chats and was also registered on various sex search sites, and was sending money to these 'models' as he called them. And planning to meet up with them. I had no clue.

If you want the behaviour to stop then you need to 1) find out exactly what he's up to and 2) confront with the aim for him to stop. Frankly, if you aren't willing to address this, but instead want to let him keep doing it and bury your head in the sand, you will not find the peace you seek.


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## carltoncl (Jun 24, 2013)

LadyBing said:


> Carl, no, actually it doesn't seem to be interfering with our sex life. It's difficult for me to put his iPad time out of my mind while making love, but, he seems completely attentive and turned on as he ever was. So, one of my questions was whether or not he needed the additional stimulation. Whatever his reasons, I need help coping in a healthy way.
> 
> Justher, that seems like good sound advice. I will consider those words and potential consequences once my nerves are in check.
> 
> I suppose the real damage is to my self esteem. I can't help but feel inferior to whomever is on the other side of the iPad. I know I will never be 30 again and I'm guessing, these "others" are. It seems like a competition and I can't win. It's an emotional blow. Maybe not as bad as a physical affair, but, it feels that way.


If he's still doing what he's always done and you're both happy with the relationship then I'm less inclined to view his iPad forays as evil by definition.

It's clearly eating away at you but try not to let that color your questions to him. Maybe broach the subject in a playful manner, like "What on earth is so much fun on that iPad? You'll have to show me so I can get some!". Just nudge him gently over time, don't nag or judge or get emotional with him yet.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Congrats on being married so long, fit and with a high sex drive. 
You are what I hope my marriage aspires to be.

Have a talk with him and lay out everyone on the table. Get it all out of your system.

No secrets, right?

It might be a new variety of porn he doesn't want you to know about, men? Or chatting is another possibility.

Communicate with him. 

You've been married a very long time and I don't see this being a serious issue.


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## LadyBing (Jun 24, 2013)

Right now, I'm thinking I will ask him to show me what he's in to. May be I participate. Who knows, at least I will get it in the open.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

What makes you think he's going to tell you the truth?

If you want to know what he's up to, you need to snoop. Put a keylogger on his iPad and find out. That is the ONLY way you will know. Otherwise he will lie. That's what cheaters do - they lie. He's already hiding things from you.

If you find out he's masturbating to live cam models and want to join him, then fine. If you find out he's registered on sex sites trolling for hook ups and want to join him, then that's fine too. Sure wouldn't be for me, because I don't believe anyone who hides such activities from their spouse truly respects them, but if it works for you, go for it.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

There is no keylogging an Ipad unless you go to extraordinary lengths and trust me it is not worth it. Last year my wife was being very secretive with her Ipad and erasing all her history. Somewhat sly but not really. 

What you need to do is go to the settings app, then to safari, then to advanced and then you will see all the websites he is perusing. I was led to sites that I could not believe my prim and proper wife was looking at. I did not confront I just incorporated a great deal of what she was fantasizing about into our sex life. The payoff has been quite rewarding to say the least.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

RClawson said:


> I did not confront I just incorporated a great deal of what she was fantasizing about into our sex life. The payoff has been quite rewarding to say the least.


That's fine if she was just looking at porn.

Looking at porn is NOT the same as sex chatting.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I dont think you are out of line to just ask him what he is spending so much time doing and to reiterate there is a line in what is ans is not okay to you in your marriage and you want to make sure he knows where that line is.

The line changes as you age - at least that is what I'm finding with myself. Like you said, we aren't going to be 30 again and some things feel like having our aging bodies rubbed in our faces. Not that live interaction would be okay at any age as far as I'm concerned.

In the interest of full disclosure Ive been known to look at some porn myself. I probably look at it more than my husband as I have always had a higher drive than he has. However I see the same line OP does with porn vs. Live interaction.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> That's fine if she was just looking at porn.
> 
> Looking at porn is NOT the same as sex chatting.


This is true of course but looking at the history will answer that question.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

LadyBing said:


> Carl, no, actually it doesn't seem to be interfering with our sex life.


Please remember that on TAM, there are "porn police" here who will tell you that porn will ruin your life, etc. 

But since you say it's not interfering with your sex life, then there is no problem with porn here. 

The only real issue on the table then is whether it is live sex chat or not. I'm guessing probably not - if it was audio chat then you would hear it, if it was typing chat, that's hard to do on an iPad. You can do it, but it's a pain. Most people would use a normal laptop for that, but there's no guarantees.

Look, you can snoop all you want, but how about just asking him? You've been married so long that you should be able to trust each other by now. If you can't, then you have other issues and I would suggest marriage counseling.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

> Before all the young people simultaneously, go "ewwww" and quit reading, this is very good news. Your libido stays active and interested well into your 60's.


This made me laugh because although I'm not that young (28) I do usually quit reading a lot of times when I see it's a marriage of 20 years or more with a problem or question. But it because I figure what can I possible help someone with that much marriage experience. So it was good you said keep on reading. 

But I really wanted to say YOU ROCK!! I hope we have it going on like that when we get there. Heck I just hope and pray we get there!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You REALLY need to talk with him about it. I doubt that doing so would spell divorce for you, it seems that you two have a good relationship. But as someone else mentioned, by not speaking up, you are giving permission. He will probably be horrified to know how it is affecting you, and you hadnt said anything.


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## Unaware (Jan 7, 2013)

To me cheating has a different meaning to everyone. 
An EA is soooo much worse than a straight PA to me. 
Does the live interaction feel like cheating to you?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

If he is doing the interactive thing....then that's for you to answer. But the snooping and keylogger doesn't seem neccesary at this point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Someone will have to educate me here...I know there are sites where *for a fee *you can ask a person on line to perform specific sex acts...

I suppose there are sex chat sites, where people can hook up with people of similar interests to sext....or whatever...

And there are literally tens of thousands of free sites where you can look at clips of people engaging in all sorts of sex acts....

Since it is difficult for someone to "TEXT on an I phone, I would think any "CHEATING" sites would have to be "PAID" sites....

LadyBing, have you seen any credit card charges that might be to interactive sites?..

the woodchuck


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

On the Ipad check history. If erased, this is intentional. But most don't erase history and website data in 'settings'. 

Go to settings, the gear looking icon. Tap the Safari tab on the left side. Scroll to the bottom of the right side. See "advanced" and tap. At the top you will see "website data". Tap this to see sites visited. It won't provide times/dates but at least you will have a sense of the type of material being viewed.

As a bonus you could hit the red "remove all website data" button. Not much to worry about here as he most likely doesn't know this function exists. Next time you check the website data you have a starting point.

Good luck with your search for answers.

~Passio


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

Forgot to say, you can also do this with an Iphone.


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## ScrewedEverything (May 14, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> You REALLY need to talk with him about it. I doubt that doing so would spell divorce for you, .... He will probably be horrified to know how it is affecting you, and you hadnt said anything.


Ditto to this. It's the not knowing that is causing your anxiety. You can't deal with it unless you know what it is. For all you know he's looking at travel sites to plan a romantic vacation or, less romantically, comparison shopping for a new bandsaw. Sorry, I'm projecting here but probably more men pursue internet obsessions about cars, fantasy football leagues, or shop tools than engage in live porn chats. And I'm always convinced that talking is infinitely more productive than snooping. You owe him that much and, after 35 years together, you'll know if he's not being straight with you.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Theseus said:


> Please remember that on TAM, there are "porn police" here who will tell you that porn will ruin your life, etc.
> 
> But since you say it's not interfering with your sex life, then there is no problem with porn here.
> 
> ...



does your husband spend a lot of time looking at porn? i.e. any concerns his habit is getting out of control?


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Idyit said:


> On the Ipad check history. If erased, this is intentional. But most don't erase history and website data in 'settings'.
> 
> Go to settings, the gear looking icon. Tap the Safari tab on the left side. Scroll to the bottom of the right side. See "advanced" and tap. At the top you will see "website data". Tap this to see sites visited. It won't provide times/dates but at least you will have a sense of the type of material being viewed.
> 
> ...


Wow, thanks for the useful info....
Texting and interactive porn is cheating in my book. I agree with others, ask your hubby.


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## LadyBing (Jun 24, 2013)

All of you have been very helpful and I want to share current status. I chose the verbal discussion vs. the "show me what you're doing" option. I said I had accepted that he likes to look at porn since he and his 1980's Penthouses had moved in with me and, that pictures are not a threat. However, I had reason to believe he was engaged in chat and hook up sites and that, for me, that was a hard line. I said I was afraid he had crossed that line. Of course he denied it, said he went on as a curiosity but would never chat or hook up. While it might be naive to believe him, I do based upon his emotional reaction. If it were true, he would have gotten angry and defensive. He didn't. He just said he understood the line and would never go there. For now, I am ok with where we stand. I will say this, as soon as I can get at the iPad, I will search the safari visits. Thanks for the tip, RC.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

I hope things works well with you LadyBing. It's good to know that you choose honest discussions with your husband, it is often for the best!


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