# I read that writing helps with anxiety. Please critique



## JustGotDroppedABomshell (Aug 24, 2013)

I'm lost, scared, angry, fearful, and hurt by all of this. It all came at me like a freight train that I thought I heard coming but didn't see until it was too late. Everything flashed before my eyes and I saw our life together. I saw all the happiness, our mistakes, our anger, our love, our hate, and the way things were. 
In an act of desperation I clung onto our lives together. I threw everything I could I pleaded, I begged, and I cried. I planned for scenarios to fix things and I have no choice but to let things drift apart between us. I can't help but hope that time apart will heal old wounds and open a door for us. I can't help but be scared that old wounds won't heal and doors will open for us to walk our separate ways. 


I see my faults, I see my shortcomings, I see my mistakes, I also see what faults to fix, I see what shortcomings to make better, and I see what mistakes not to repeat. I can't push the pain down to my stomach and ignore things. I've ignored things for far too long. I can't help but say it'll be better, I can change even though I said it before. This time is different cause I realized what I need changed. 


A simple act of driving to the store while complaining isn't an act of love. An act of love is to remember why I'm driving to the store and that reason is you. I can't promise change overnight but I can promise you I will change even more than I have. 


I realize that marriage isn't something you obtain then settle. It's something that once you have you work with. Like a tree it requires water, sunlight, and fresh air. Our marriage requires communication, warm smiles and tender moments, and time together. I always enjoyed our time staying on the couch quietly watching TV, lying in bed silent, our simple kisses goodbye or goodnight. I was happy with what we had. You want to dance under the star, you want to talk about everything under the stars, and you want to a passionate kiss to remind you that I love you. 


I had what I thought was a perfect marriage; the family, the dog, the house, and you sitting quietly by my side. I was wrong. Given the chance I promise you remain your prince charming. The man who will sweep you off your feet and tell you how beautiful you are. The man who will easily pluck the moon from the night sky and hold it next to you because it was harder to obtain something much more beautiful. I would be the man who will joke, laugh, and cry about our days every day. 


I am being selfish when it comes to you. I selfishly want to command the sun to shine on your brightest days and the rain to pour to cover your tears. 
I realize that I can't tear down the walls around your heart. You built your walls with the the bricks and mortar I callously left while focusing on my own projects. I am slowly removing the plank from my eyes to see what needs to be torn down and rebuilt in myself. I am receiving new heart filled with only understanding, joy, laughter, and acceptance now. A gift I have received thru much hurt and healing. This gift belongs to someone special and that special someone will come.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

This is beautiful, sad and so heartfelt. I really feel where your coming from.


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## ILoveMyWife! (Sep 5, 2013)

Ya, this kinda sounds like i feel.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Very nice my friend. Very touching and heartfelt.

I wrote multiple letters with the same tune and caught her attention. It's actually documented here. You can look it up.

If you send her letters like this, what ultimately happens is self-hatred on your end and further abuse from her side. It's guaranteed.

This doesn't make her a bad person. It tilts the game unfairly in her favor while giving her even less incentive to retain empathy for you. It's the unfortunate law of attraction.

For codependent minds like ours, letters like this do provide a short fix for our addiction (codependency), but the coming down is extremely harsh. If you don't send it, you can consider it a victory over your mind. If you do send it, you can definitely consider it a defeat.

I absolutely feel your pain from the bottom of my heart.

I'm sorry for being harsh, blunt and at times rude. I'm just giving you the kind of advice that the logical part of your own brain is begging for but is unable to receive because of your inner-child's constant yearning and screaming. 

Your posts depict signs of reactionary abuse and learned narcissism. It doesn't necessarily make you a disordered personality. It makes me seriously wonder about your coping strategies and what kind of abuse you've been subject to. This is a more serious issue than your relationship with your wife. Without proper self-awareness, you will find yourself recycled through abusive dynamics for the rest of your life. 

You may want to think hard and post more details about your relationship with your wife over the years. Your mind is trying hard to make you forget the negative things. Force your mind to remember them. They're important.


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## JustGotDroppedABomshell (Aug 24, 2013)

LIMBOLADY said:


> This is beautiful, sad and so heartfelt. I really feel where your coming from.


It was something I just had to put on "paper" to get out of me.


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## JustGotDroppedABomshell (Aug 24, 2013)

ILoveMyWife! said:


> Ya, this kinda sounds like i feel.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I'm sorry that you are going thru this. We feel each other's pain, sadness, and regret. I hope and pray it works out for you with or without her.


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## JustGotDroppedABomshell (Aug 24, 2013)

synthetic said:


> Very nice my friend. Very touching and heartfelt.


 Thanks. I do appreciate it. 


synthetic said:


> Your posts depict signs of reactionary abuse and learned narcissism. It doesn't necessarily make you a disordered personality. It makes me seriously wonder about your coping strategies and what kind of abuse you've been subject to. This is a more serious issue than your relationship with your wife. Without proper self-awareness, you will find yourself recycled through abusive dynamics for the rest of your life.
> 
> You may want to think hard and post more details about your relationship with your wife over the years. Your mind is trying hard to make you forget the negative things. Force your mind to remember them. They're important.


The abuse was me emotionally abusing her. I never meant to hurt her but I said things in a joking manner which I felt made it ok. I would dismiss her feelings, thoughts, and ideas. Luckily browsing YouTube videos about divorce and such opened my eyes about thing. I heard what she said but I never really understood the severity of it until I saw the words "emotional abuse". I'm working thru things and I'm catching myself from saying, thinking, or doing things to attack others in a joking manner. It will take some time but I am making strides. 

I know the mistakes I've made over the years. Besides the emotional abuse I also tried to live a separate life from her. I always had my friends and she had her's. Saturday was mine and I did what I wanted. I always touted that I was independent and didn’t need her around. It was only when she left that I learned that wasn’t the case. I do feel the need for me to be in my life because she is my wife. We are bound together by a vow before God. 

The other mistake I made can be shown with my sentence "cause she is my wife". She felt like she was property because I didn’t let her have certain friends or we did things my way. I felt that I was up for discussions on most items but the way I communicated it was wrong. For example when it came to decorating I drafted up a few ideas, a layout, and color scheme. I wrote it all up and sent it to her for review and edits. She took that as I made up my mind and here is what we're doing. You can add some edits but this is what I want. I will admit that I do like things my way and most of the time I'm bossy. She doesn’t see the times where I would always let her make decisions because she only saw the big items. 


The decorating example, I know that it was a huge communication issue. We talk and communicate on two diff wavelengths. The way we show and receive appreciation and love don't match. I know there is a book the love language that would help with that. I also never talked to her. Like I mentioned in my writing I thought marriage for a man was to be there quiet on the couch saying nothing. Its funny cause after the bomb was dropped we talked like we never talked before. Hours upon hours of discussion, topics about the day or random stuff. She did say that when her mom was on vacation she realized how little we talked. That really hurt me. 

The last mistake that I made was I never believed in her. She did go to school for interior decorating for a semester or two. I just didn’t give her the chance. In the back of my mind I did think “oh she’s going to do some new age hippy ikea crap that will look horrible”. When we picked out the curtains I was impressed by her idea and color scheme. This was all before the bomb was dropped though. 

Now her mistakes. She would never communicate to me how she was feeling. When she was thinking about divorce she would tell her friends and family but kept it a huge secret from me. She would lie and say everything is ok. The reason she did this was to avoid fights with me. She really hates confrontation. If I would have known what was going on I could have fixed it. 

The second mistake she brought into the relationship was how manipulative she is. She would pick and choose her battles and do things to confuse me or be so discrete about details to win me over. Add this with her natural stubbornness it made things very difficult for someone who naturally speaks his mind and gets over things quickly. For example when she told people that she wanted to leave, everybody said she should talk to me to work things out. She would say things like "he always get into a fight and he would make me cry or I'm worried cause he's so emotional and I don’t know what he would do, or he may take our son and run away" (random examples that I'm not sure if that’s what she said). She would manipulate everybody into thinking that for her safety it would be better to just wait it out and not say anything until she was ready to leave.

To my defense, I never would hit a woman. That is something I strongly would never do. I only yell and that’s it. I haven’t hit an object out of anger since I was a teenager over 13 years ago. I would never take her away from our son. She's a great mother and my son needs her in his life. These are just examples I threw together. 

I am focused on me and what I need to work on. I read how to stop being a mr nice guy and I'm starting to relate less and less with it. Not sure if the material isn’t as interesting or if I'm starting to make some profound changes in myself thru introspection, counseling, reading, and prayer. My therapist today told me "you're basically doing everything right; I can't give you any other suggestions on what to work on coping".


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