# Reversing the "Friend Zone" Marriage



## wife101 (Apr 7, 2016)

I love my husband, but I feel stressed out and overwhelmed 24/7. We used to fight a lot about stupid stuff and it seemed like he was always mad about something or in a bad mood. We bickered constantly and the fights were never really resolved. I thought I was right and he was being a jerk and he thought he was right and I just didn't get what he was trying to say or I would agree with him. I would ignore him for a few days and he pretended nothing happened. A few days later, we'd just move on. He constantly complained about my family and the "stupid choices" various members were making and never went to family functions. I told him that I didn't know if he had always been that grumpy and argumentative and I've just become less tolerant of it, or if he had gotten worse and in a bad mood more often. At first I thought it was just me, but then his mom started asking me if he was always like that, after he'd bite her head off for something. Other people called him on being a jerk and in a bad mood pretty often. 

After the kids went to bed we sat in the living room while he watched TV and I read or did household stuff. He would get mad at me for reading/being on my phone (I have a Kindle app and I use it to read on my phone) and "ignoring" him. I didn't want to just sit and watch some TV show that I didn't even like and he was doing the same thing to me by watching TV and playing on his phone. We didn't spend any quality time together. We talked about it a few months ago. I told him that I couldn't take the fighting/unresolved arguments anymore and that I felt like I was constantly walking around on eggshells and agreeing with him, even if I didn't want to, just so we wouldn't fight. I was never a yeller and was always happy and smiling until a couple of years ago. I feel like our relationship has changed my entire personality, and not in a good way. I feel like I'm always quiet, rarely smile, always stressed/reserved, and don't voice my true opinions. I think he's too hard on the kids and he thinks I'm a pushover. 

He's started holding his tongue more and not griping about everything, asking my opinion more and trying to make me feel like I can tell him the truth, being more understanding, etc. He's started helping out more around the house and with the kids, but I think we've lost so much of our relationship already that it's hard to get over it. The expression "Too little too late" comes to mind. I've already built up resentment from the years we've spent fighting and I didn't get enough help. Now, I feel like we are in the "Friend Zone" because intimacy has been unintentionally put on the back burner for so long. He's trying really hard, but it feels awkward when he's suddenly trying to hold my hand, kiss me, etc. I'm not used to that from him and it feels like we're just doing it because we talked about it and know that's what we are supposed to be doing it. It's like kissing my best friend because that's what we've been for a few years now. We live in the same house and raise kids. We're basically roommates. I love him, but I don't feel like we have a romantic relationship kind of love anymore. He's asked me if there is someone else. I just don't feel that way about him. Sexual attraction just isn't there. He thinks that just because he decided that he doesn't want our marriage to be that way anymore that we can just say "Poof!" Done. Intimacy is back. I can't just flip a switch and want to hug, kiss, have sex, etc. because I mentally know I should. He says he was stressed out about work and started bringing the stress home with him more and got comfortable and let intimate gestures go and he doesn't want it to be that way anymore. But, him saying that doesn't make my libido suddenly increase. 

We don't argue about the old stuff anymore, but now we bicker about me not wanting to have sex and me not coming to bed with him. He says that I complained that we never spend quality time together but yet he has to go to bed without me most nights. I also work all day, go get both kids from 2 different places, get home at almost 6:00, take our daughter to soccer/basketball/gymnastics, etc., do the laundry, homework with the kids, give the kids baths, dress them for bed, get their drinks/medicine, read to them, get their TVs going, etc. The first time I have a chance to sit down and unwind is usually after 9:00 or 9:30, that's IF I don't go to the gym that night. I want to sit and unwind/relax and have adult quiet time doing something I enjoy before I go to bed. I'd rather sit in the living room and read a chapter or two of my book, that I rarely have a chance to read, than lay in bed and accidentally fall asleep watching some fishing show I can't stand. We have nothing in common to talk about or do together. 

I've read so many help books, articles, etc. that say the more you do it the more you will want to. How do you start, though? I have no desire to even kiss him. He makes sexual innuendos and it does nothing for me. It's hard and I don't know what to do. There is no other man. There has been no affair, at least that I know of, but I have started thinking about what it would be like to be with someone else. Is there any way to get it back? How do I know if I even want to? I'm sorry it's so wordy!


----------



## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

Sounds like you've stepped into the common area that a lot of people find themselves in when you have young kids. 
I think you have to try to spend some more time one on one with each other.
Remember why you fell in love in the first place. Are you able to get a babysitter to come once a week or so? You guys could go out on actual dates and start talking. Sometimes it just takes that simple step to remember that you did love this person and gives the shove to try to make it work.
Communication also comes to mind as well. Someone told me once that when you are out on a date don't talk about the kids. Try it...I admit it is hard. But try talking about other stuff so that you both realize you are individuals as well. 
Try to have a non cell phone time too where you put all that away and even if you are just in bed watching tv you are cuddling and such.
Being intimate is way more than having sex.
Of course this only works if both of you are onboard. If you have the attitude too little too late then you aren't going to be putting out much effort into trying to reverse the friend zone.
Marriage takes work and starts to fall apart when we are lazy believe me I know.



Sent from my iPhone


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

wife101 said:


> Now, I feel like *we are in the "Friend Zone" because intimacy has been* unintentionally* put on the back burner for so long.* He's trying really hard, but *it feels awkward when he's suddenly trying to hold my hand, kiss me, etc*. I'm not used to that from him and it feels like we're just doing it because we talked about it and know that's what we are supposed to be doing it. *It's like kissing my best friend because that's what we've been for a few years now.* We live in the same house and raise kids. *We're basically roommates. I love him, but I don't feel like we have a romantic relationship kind of love anymore.* ....... *I just don't feel that way about him. Sexual attraction just isn't there.* *He thinks that just because he decided that he doesn't want our marriage to be that way anymore that we can just say "Poof!" Done. Intimacy is back. *I can't just flip a switch and want to hug, kiss, have sex, etc. because I mentally know I should.


 @wife101 This is an awesome post. Thanks for coming here. 

No kids in my case and LT married but the parts posted quoted above are my issue, so I get where OP is coming from. Like her, I REALLY REALLY want to get that romantic feeling back with spouse that I have neglected for so long. I just want to get our conversations away from feeding the dog and that we're are almost out of toilet paper. 

I have had His Needs Her Needs book gathering dust for three months. I will start there.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You want to get intimacy back? Find ways to laugh together. There is no better way to reconnect, at least that I have found, than laughter.

My wife and I got to a point 2 1/2 years ago that we were no longer interested in being intimate with each other. We managed to turn it around. It took work, effort, a willingness to be uncomfortable, and time.

Laughter, OP, is the best medicine.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

One, read His Needs Her Needs.

Two, find a permanent babysitter for at least once every single month and go out to someplace new every time, to give you things to talk about.

Three, discuss why it is that you are doing so much when you get home and he (it seems) is NOT. Find an equitable distribution of work where both of you get done near the same time every night.

Four, find some playgrounds, and start taking your kids to them at least once a week; while there, you and he can go walking around the playground and TALK. Talk like you used to do when you were dating.

Five, thank him for pulling back on the arguing. Tell him how much it means to you. A man's top need is almost always admiration; it will mean a LOT to him (and improve his mood) if you show you are appreciating him and admiring him.

Six, find ways to connect sexually, even if you don't 'feel it.' Millions of women have sex when they aren't all that committed; understand that it is VERY important to men, and if you just flat out refuse, he will find someone else who won't.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

turnera said:


> if you just flat out refuse, he will find someone else who won't.


My friend and his wife had not had sex for 5 years - her refusal. He went to an escort. Felt immensely guilty afterwards. He got busted when condoms were found. She had revenge affair. Their last kid graduates in a few years and they are staying together for the kids. When the last one is off to college, who knows.

@tunera does your comment apply to "all" men or just the ones of low character? I am not trying to start a debate on who cheats. I would really like to know if you think most guys would cheat under that circumstance, or are you stating that the man would divorce and then find sex elsewhere?

Not trying to thread-jack. I think this is related and important to OP.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

@blueinbr, I know you asked @turnera, but I am going to give an answer as well.

It is hard to quantify, but I will give you an anecdotal answer. My marriage was, by definition, sexless in 2012 and 2013. In January 2014, I put my wife on notice that we would either get better (at all things in our relationship, not just sex) or I would end it. 

We are miles better now, and it was not easy, but I was not willing to cheat to get my needs met. However, I was willing to blow up the marriage over intimacy.

I know men who have cheated, as well as men who have taken the "grin and bear it" attitude. It just depends entirely on the person. But I do not think most men would cheat if I had to wager a guess.


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

First, the very first thing that you have to do, the one crippling condition that I'm seeing, is, you have to want to. You want to read your book so you do. You want your daughter to have after school sports so she does. Do you want to start having physical, romantic interaction with your friend / roommate? You don't have time in your busy life for 5th priorities.


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

On second thought, Let's attack this from the other direction. Ask him if he is willing to do one simple thing to help bring back your feelings. Ask him if he will pick up the remote and turn off the TV every time you enter the bedroom.


----------



## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

Mr. Nail said:


> On second thought, Let's attack this from the other direction. Ask him if he is willing to do one simple thing to help bring back your feelings. Ask him if he will pick up the remote and turn off the TV every time you enter the bedroom.




Agree...start small
But you can't have the attitude too little too late or else what is the point. Only works if you want to change the marriage.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

blueinbr said:


> My friend and his wife had not had sex for 5 years - her refusal. He went to an escort. Felt immensely guilty afterwards. He got busted when condoms were found. She had revenge affair. Their last kid graduates in a few years and they are staying together for the kids. When the last one is off to college, who knows.
> 
> @tunera does your comment apply to "all" men or just the ones of low character? I am not trying to start a debate on who cheats. I would really like to know if you think most guys would cheat under that circumstance, or are you stating that the man would divorce and then find sex elsewhere?
> 
> Not trying to thread-jack. I think this is related and important to OP.


It's pretty universal, I would think. Men have a biological need usually MUCH stronger than women to have sex. And regularly. It's in the DNA. 

I think you'd be hard put to find many men who thought before marrying 'I don't care if we have sex, I just want to be around her.' I've been giving advice on forums for 15 years now, and not getting sex is THE number one issue that probably 75%-90% of all the men come to forums for. 

Most men don't WANT to cheat. But when men don't get the sex they assumed they'd be getting by being married, they feel duped. Mad. Confused. Bad about themselves. A lot of things. 

And when some other woman comes along and notices him, flatters him, admires him, and yes, offers sex, I think that most men would find it hard to turn down.

You of all people know that's true, blueinbr.

Of course the same is true for women, except that the majority of women don't cheat to get sex. They cheat to get emotion/connection/caring acts - all the things their man probably gave them when they were dating. And which many men for some reason forget about once the ring is on, and they happily settle into being a couch potato and letting the woman replace their mother and see to their every needs. THAT woman is very likely to cheat if some man shows up and starts exhibiting concern over her being ignore or taken for granted - the words she needs to hear.


----------



## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

wife101 said:


> I love my husband, but I feel stressed out and overwhelmed 24/7. We used to fight a lot about stupid stuff and it seemed like he was always mad about something or in a bad mood. We bickered constantly and the fights were never really resolved. I thought I was right and he was being a jerk and he thought he was right and I just didn't get what he was trying to say or I would agree with him.


We can be right or we can be happy. I advise individuals to give up on that concept. It isn't that they will be "wrong", it is that the concept no longer matters. Happiness matters.




> I would ignore him for a few days and he pretended nothing happened. A few days later, we'd just move on.


Time heals, but the underlying problem was left unresolved, leaving it a point of contention in future debates.


> He constantly complained about my family and the "stupid choices" various members were making and never went to family functions. I told him that I didn't know if he had always been that grumpy and argumentative and I've just become less tolerant of it, or if he had gotten worse and in a bad mood more often. At first I thought it was just me, but then his mom started asking me if he was always like that, after he'd bite her head off for something. Other people called him on being a jerk and in a bad mood pretty often.


Imagine your body was made of stained glass. Whatever light shined upon your body would cast a shadow of whatever the stained glass appeared like. Those that have internal ugliness will give ugliness to others. There is no such thing as an internally happy person that has to give emotional poison to others.



> After the kids went to bed we sat in the living room while he watched TV and I read or did household stuff. He would get mad at me for reading/being on my phone (I have a Kindle app and I use it to read on my phone) and "ignoring" him. I didn't want to just sit and watch some TV show that I didn't even like and he was doing the same thing to me by watching TV and playing on his phone. We didn't spend any quality time together. We talked about it a few months ago. I told him that I couldn't take the fighting/unresolved arguments anymore and that I felt like I was constantly walking around on eggshells and agreeing with him, even if I didn't want to, just so we wouldn't fight. I was never a yeller and was always happy and smiling until a couple of years ago. I feel like our relationship has changed my entire personality, and not in a good way. I feel like I'm always quiet, rarely smile, always stressed/reserved, and don't voice my true opinions. I think he's too hard on the kids and he thinks I'm a pushover.


Eventually the arguments wear each other thin. It can seem like the relationship has got to a point of auto-pilot, where it may be low conflict, but what it really is is low passion. I am not indicating that arguments or conflict are necessary for passion. It just means that with arguing you have individuals that are misguided, but do care..... if that makes sense. When individuals decide to not address points of contention anymore, something is left behind, and that is the relationship.



> He's started holding his tongue more and not griping about everything, asking my opinion more and trying to make me feel like I can tell him the truth, being more understanding, etc. He's started helping out more around the house and with the kids, but I think we've lost so much of our relationship already that it's hard to get over it. The expression "Too little too late" comes to mind.


You either do or do not. The only thing holding individuals back in this situation is the fear of one partner doing all of the work to fix the relationship and it not being reciprocated. That fear locks both into a downward spiral.

It is never too late.



> I've already built up resentment from the years we've spent fighting and I didn't get enough help. Now, I feel like we are in the "Friend Zone" because intimacy has been unintentionally put on the back burner for so long. He's trying really hard, but it feels awkward when he's suddenly trying to hold my hand, kiss me, etc.


Resentment and contempt are strong precursors for divorce. It is unfortunate because we can easily move past these things. You may ask how....... you just do. There is a lot of effort and knowledge that assists in the process, but the act of living in the moment (not the past) could not be simpler.


> I'm not used to that from him and it feels like we're just doing it because we talked about it and know that's what we are supposed to be doing it. It's like kissing my best friend because that's what we've been for a few years now. We live in the same house and raise kids. We're basically roommates.


You can't instantly turn things around by turning up the physical connection. The underlying emotional backdrop is not in place. There is no emotional connection for which to base physical intimacy upon. Now we have a situation in which you feel disconnected and almost as if you cannot reconnect because it feels as if the fire has been lost.


> I love him, but I don't feel like we have a romantic relationship kind of love anymore. He's asked me if there is someone else. I just don't feel that way about him. Sexual attraction just isn't there. He thinks that just because he decided that he doesn't want our marriage to be that way anymore that we can just say "Poof!" Done. Intimacy is back. I can't just flip a switch and want to hug, kiss, have sex, etc. because I mentally know I should. He says he was stressed out about work and started bringing the stress home with him more and got comfortable and let intimate gestures go and he doesn't want it to be that way anymore. But, him saying that doesn't make my libido suddenly increase.


You both have to give it time, but you also both need to make some serious efforts to re-establishing the connection. You can't just jump back into sexual intimacy and fondling. The level of trust just is not there.



> We don't argue about the old stuff anymore, but now we bicker about me not wanting to have sex and me not coming to bed with him. He says that I complained that we never spend quality time together but yet he has to go to bed without me most nights. I also work all day, go get both kids from 2 different places, get home at almost 6:00, take our daughter to soccer/basketball/gymnastics, etc., do the laundry, homework with the kids, give the kids baths, dress them for bed, get their drinks/medicine, read to them, get their TVs going, etc. The first time I have a chance to sit down and unwind is usually after 9:00 or 9:30, that's IF I don't go to the gym that night. I want to sit and unwind/relax and have adult quiet time doing something I enjoy before I go to bed. I'd rather sit in the living room and read a chapter or two of my book, that I rarely have a chance to read, than lay in bed and accidentally fall asleep watching some fishing show I can't stand. We have nothing in common to talk about or do together.


Part of the reconnecting process is to find common ground. We in relationships are two strong individuals, so there has to be different likes and dislikes, but we must find common interests, otherwise there will be no maintenance of the connection.

He is upset because he feels as if he has made the effort necessary to restore the relationship. He is misguided and risks having his expectations unnecessarily high. 



> I've read so many help books, articles, etc. that say the more you do it the more you will want to. How do you start, though?


You don't need books. They give you too much advice. What you lack is the emotional drive to do these things. You both also have to realize that it will take time. Accepting that will make it a much smoother and faster process, with almost guaranteed results.



> I have no desire to even kiss him. He makes sexual innuendos and it does nothing for me. It's hard and I don't know what to do. There is no other man. There has been no affair, at least that I know of, but I have started thinking about what it would be like to be with someone else. Is there any way to get it back? How do I know if I even want to? I'm sorry it's so wordy!


Never settle for sexual intimacy when you don't feel emotionally connected. You will only program yourself out of desiring it in the future, requiring efforts like this to unprogram and reprogram yourself to feel connected again.

You have to go back to square one. Square one means dating each other. It also means zero sex until both partners desire it. It greatly helps if you learn how to handle points of contention while limiting any negativity reciprocated. You also start by giving unconditional love, along the lines of what you actually feel. The connection will come back when you start doing the things that couples are supposed to do. You will say that you already tried. Again, that attempt was misguided. We have to assume that the relationship has no connection and attempt to reconnect from there. We can't scale mt. Everest, while skipping the middle portion. We start at the bottom and work our way up.

Good Luck


----------



## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

turnera said:


> It's pretty universal, I would think. Men have a biological need usually MUCH stronger than women to have sex. And regularly. It's in the DNA.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




So incredibly true.

I agree 100%


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

blueinbr said:


> My friend and his wife had not had sex for 5 years - her refusal. He went to an escort. Felt immensely guilty afterwards. He got busted when condoms were found. She had revenge affair. Their last kid graduates in a few years and they are staying together for the kids. When the last one is off to college, who knows.
> 
> @tunera does your comment apply to "all" men or just the ones of low character? I am not trying to start a debate on who cheats. I would really like to know if you think most guys would cheat under that circumstance, or are you stating that the man would divorce and then find sex elsewhere?
> 
> Not trying to thread-jack. I think this is related and important to OP.


No Blueinbr, some men file for divorce and then go find someone who will. Tunera will remember how close I was to that decision.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> Laughter, OP, is the best medicine.


If you're gone past Max Q all the laughter in the world isn't going to help you, and all the quality time in the world isn't going to help you either.

We had nothing in common when we started and built things together. We love art, Chicago, and together developed a passion for many things. Even that wasn't enough.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

OMG I think you are married to my ex husband! Wow. I recognize this personality and I can tell you that the positive changes that he is showing you right now are not going to last.


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

In all honesty, you aren't going to develop those loving feelings and start to *want* to have sex. I think, from personal experience, the more you have sex, the more you want it. If you have had nearly nothing at all for a long time, it's so low on the list of priorities that it may as well not be there. No matter what he does, this won't develop without you just biting the bullet and getting to it without the fuzzy feelings that we all want to be there first. I'm saying you have to just do it first and let the fuzzies develop after. This is assuming you can still enjoy it after it gets going that is; it's just that first hurdle you have to get over.

You should also look into reading "Getting the Love You Want" and trying the exercises in the back with your husband once you get through it.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

breeze said:


> this won't develop without you just biting the bullet and getting to it without the fuzzy feelings that we all want to be there first. I'm saying you have to just do it first and let the fuzzies develop after. This is assuming you can still enjoy it after it gets going that is; it's just that first hurdle you have to get over.


:iagree: For all of us in this situation, we hope this is true.


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

blueinbr said:


> :iagree: For all of us in this situation, we hope this is true.


It was true for me. DH and I were in a bad place for a while. The arguments seemed to centre around lack of sex for a long time, but the longer we were in the sex drought, the more stuff we'd argue about. 

I made a decision that I wanted the marriage of my dreams, the "soulmate", the "still holding hands at 80" marriage. Like anything, first you have to make that decision to swim to the end, or you'll just sit there treading water and getting nowhere. You'll get tired and start to sink and that'll be that, divorce.

Make the decision OP.


----------



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

*Reversing the &quot;Friend Zone&quot; Marriage*

The problem with us women is that we wait until we FEEL like it. Emotions shouldn't run our lives if that makes sense. 
It sounds like you two live two separate lives parallel together. Instead of waiting until you FEEL like it, you need to just do it. Make your marriage important and a priority. Take control of it. You need to put in the time and effort to connect with each other again. It's not going to feel natural at first, but with work it will and you will be better than before. You need to "fake it till you make it" kind of thing, while putting in work. Be positive, think positive things about your husband. When you think positive you start to act positive if that makes sense. 
Every single person has good and bad things about them. If you constantly see and think about the bad things it can ruin your relationship. Start to notice the good in him, notice it, say it out loud, ect. 
You can transform your roommate situation to back to husband and wife but it takes effort and a desire to want to do it. Good luck


----------



## wife101 (Apr 7, 2016)

Wow. Great advice! You addressed almost every part of my complaints, fears, doubts, etc. I think he just thinks because he doesn't complain so much and our fighting has decreased, that all is well. I can still remember the exact crappy things he's said to me when he was in a bad mood, even if it was stupid and trivial. Something of mine got stollen out of my desk at work and I was upset about it. It was something I had just gotten and I was angry at the thief, myself, and the fact that I didn't have it anymore. He told me it was my fault it got stolen. I shouldn't have forgotten it in my desk. Seriously?! He didn't comfort me and tell me that he knew it sucked and he was sorry I was upset. I can't seem to get passed stuff like that. I don't get over things well. The new stuff isn't a problem, but the old stuff won't go away. So you're saying that it is possible to get that loving feeling back, even if I don't want to touch or kiss at all? I not stupid or naive. I know marriage is work and it's not all roses and poems, but it just seems like our's is a constant struggle and 24/7 work. I feel like we don't get a second to relax and enjoy life because we're trying so hard to stay afloat.


----------



## wife101 (Apr 7, 2016)

That's what I told him, 3Xnocharm! I told him that I know people can change, but they can't totally overhaul their entire personality. He's been confrontational and blunt from day one, even as a kid, according to his mom. I just don't see how he could totally change permanently. I've asked him several times if he's about to explode without getting mad about stuff. He says it's actually made him feel better and less stressed. He has had a couple of episodes where the old husband came out and I rolled my eyes and thought, "Here we go again." He apologizes more when he gets mad over something stupid, but it's only effective so many times. He got mad at me and griped me out in front of my parents on the way to my birthday dinner about all the stuff (kid's coats, shoes, wrapping paper, etc.) in my car. We were trying to fit everyone in on car, but had to take a bunch of stuff out of my car to access the 3rd row. Between all of the stuff I have to do daily we're lucky if we have clean underwear for the next day, let alone a clean car. That's at the bottom of my list. He apologized when we got the restaurant, but my night was already ruined. I felt angry, embarrassed, and on the defensive the rest of the night. I didn't enjoy it at all. This was after our talk. The way he reacted to my car made me think that it will all come to a head at some point and he's going to explode or something. Lol.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

wife101 said:


> Wow. Great advice! You addressed almost every part of my complaints, fears, doubts, etc. I think he just thinks because he doesn't complain so much and our fighting has decreased, that all is well. I can still remember the exact crappy things he's said to me when he was in a bad mood, even if it was stupid and trivial. Something of mine got stollen out of my desk at work and I was upset about it. It was something I had just gotten and I was angry at the thief, myself, and the fact that I didn't have it anymore. He told me it was my fault it got stolen. I shouldn't have forgotten it in my desk. Seriously?! He didn't comfort me and tell me that he knew it sucked and he was sorry I was upset. I can't seem to get passed stuff like that. I don't get over things well. The new stuff isn't a problem, but the old stuff won't go away. So you're saying that it is possible to get that loving feeling back, even if I don't want to touch or kiss at all? I not stupid or naive. I know marriage is work and it's not all roses and poems, but it just seems like our's is a constant struggle and 24/7 work. I feel like we don't get a second to relax and enjoy life because we're trying so hard to stay afloat.


In SOME cases, maybe...I KNOW your husband's personality type, as I was married to it, and I can tell you that you will be right back to square one within a matter of weeks. Watch for the cycle, these types ALWAYS have a cycle of behavior. Usually over time, the cycle gets shorter and shorter. I do wish you luck, you'll need it, especially if you cant even stand to touch him any more.


----------



## wife101 (Apr 7, 2016)

Turnera: We go out on dates every so often. Once or twice a month. We don't seem to have much to talk about other than the kids. It's like a first date when you have to talk about the weather so there's not a awkward silence. I'm into reading. He's into fishing, golfing, camping, history, etc. I don't care for any of those things. When we were dating and married without kids, I would go fishing with him just to hang out, but I really didn't like it. I would sunbathe while he fished. I can't sunbathe anymore because I just burn and I don't wear shorts in public, so now it's just hot and miserable when I try to go with him. He likes classic country and I can't stand it. I like pop music, and he doesn't like it much. It just seems like our differences didn't used to matter, but now they do. It bothers me that we have nothing in common. I can't think of one thing, except the welfare of our kids. We used to go out to the club, hang out with groups of friends, etc. and had fun. We don't do that stuff at all anymore, because we've both grown up since then, and we just don't seem to have fun or things in common. It's difficult to come of with topics of conversation or agree on things to do when we go out. It's always dinner, a couple of drinks, then home.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

wife101 said:


> Turnera: We go out on dates every so often. Once or twice a month. We don't seem to have much to talk about other than the kids. It's like a first date when you have to talk about the weather so there's not a awkward silence. I'm into reading. He's into fishing, golfing, camping, history, etc. I don't care for any of those things. When we were dating and married without kids, I would go fishing with him just to hang out, but I really didn't like it. I would sunbathe while he fished. I can't sunbathe anymore because I just burn and I don't wear shorts in public, so now it's just hot and miserable when I try to go with him. He likes classic country and I can't stand it. I like pop music, and he doesn't like it much. It just seems like our differences didn't used to matter, but now they do. It bothers me that we have nothing in common. I can't think of one thing, except the welfare of our kids. We used to go out to the club, hang out with groups of friends, etc. and had fun. We don't do that stuff at all anymore, because we've both grown up since then, and we just don't seem to have fun or things in common. It's difficult to come of with topics of conversation or agree on things to do when we go out. It's always dinner, a couple of drinks, then home.


You BOTH sound like incredibly boring people who are boring each other to death. 

If you don't have any interests together find one. There's a million things to do. Sign up for a class, sport or activity together (dance, painting, cooking, golf, etc.) 

There must be SOMETHING you can both enjoy doing together a few hours a week that you can use as a foundation to rebuild your attraction to one another.

Start figuring out what that is and go from there. The dinners and drinks ain't cutting it. Do something FUN!


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

citygirl4344 said:


> turnera said:
> 
> 
> > It's pretty universal, I would think. Men have a biological need usually MUCH stronger than women to have sex. And regularly. It's in the DNA.
> ...



Not necessarily......a lot of men may be like me. The physical is where my emotional connection comes from. My wife could do every thing for me and tell me constantly she loves me.....but....if the physical intimacy is not there I do not FEEL LOVED. The emotional bond comes from the physical. It means so much that I will not use the term sex to speak of what my wife and i have. We make love....calling it sex devalues it to me. 

Being married to a woman who with holds intimacy, is like a woman who thrives on communication and social interaction living with a man who takes her in the middle of no where all alone with no way back and then refuses to speak to her.

Both things are abuse.


----------



## wife101 (Apr 7, 2016)

Saying that we are both boring people that are boring each other to death isn't really constructive criticism. It just came off as being rude. We have hobbies, just not the same ones. We do things for fun, just not the same things, hence part of the problem. You say there's got to be something we can enjoy together, but I can't think of anything. What he thinks is fun I find boring and he thinks what I like is boring. He does golf, as per your suggestion, but I think it's boring and I suck at it. I've tried several times, but I just end up mad and discouraged and he ends up frustrated. He loves to cook and enjoys it. I just cook because we have to eat. He golfs, fishes, etc. I read, work out, etc. The fact that I can't think of one thing we could do and both enjoy is part of the reconnection problem. I'm telling you, we lead two almost separate lives now with nothing in common. We are extremely limited by where we live and money, too. There aren't many interesting things to do in our town or anywhere near us and the few things that are here are pricey. A cooking class would cost us almost $200. We live paycheck to paycheck and could never afford things like that. We're lucky if we can pay for a dinner out on date night. We can't even pay for marriage counseling, or we'd be doing that.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Well... Why did you bother to post? Sounds like you've given up.

And if you've throw in the towel, what do you expect us to say to you?

No one here is interested in a pity party. We log on here to give advice.

Instead of taking it, you retort with weak excuses and a defeatist attitude.

If you REALLY can't find ONE thing to do together then go ahead and divorce.

Why are you wasting your time with someone you have ZERO in common with?!?

I don't believe you have nothing in common. You found him interesting enough to marry.

I just think your just all talk and no action. FIND SOMETHING TO DO TOGETHER AND QUIT WHINING.

Do you want to save your marriage or not?!? Go have some fun with your damn husband.


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

You don't need to spend money to enjoy each other's company. You also don't really need some activity/hobby to do together either. Some people can enjoy just sitting with their spouse after a long day and having a chat. Some people might just do that after a long week. Some people can find enjoyment in just sitting beside their spouse watching the latest episode of some show they both enjoy.

You are probably about as boring as most people. Realistically, with work & kids, not many people are going out skydiving every weekend with their spouse, or doing something exciting. That's why we get holidays - to go do all the sh1t no one has time to do the rest of the year.


----------

