# How can I help him change?



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

My husband of 18 years is about to leave me. Some of u might know my story. Will post a link shortly for those of you who don't. I'm after some advice.
He's given up. Says he can't change the person he is. He says he's weak and can't speak up when he doesn't like something or isn't happy and that he can never change. Unfortunately I have a controlling personality. I am currently in IC to help me with this and with other issues I have and it's helping. He will not consider IC . I feel that he doesn't want to change or at least doesn't know how. His father was very controlling, then he was in the army, then married me at 21. He's never had to stand on his own 2 feet. 

I have accepted that he is leaving, I'm devastated, but coping. I would like our separation to go smoothly and for us to remain friends, so does he. In time I truly hope we can reconcile. What can I do or say during our separation that will enable him to 'man up'. How can I behave so that the control is in his hands? Very difficult I know. Or do I just give up? Because let's face it I'm still trying to control the situation aren't I? I just want to help him though.

Thanks for any input x
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/34603-so-what-do-i-do-now.html

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

daisygirl 41 said:


> He's given up. Says he can't change the person he is. He says he's weak and can't speak up when he doesn't like something or isn't happy and that he can never change.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This sounds a lot like a symptom of depression.


----------



## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I think your wrong in trying to change him. You wont succeed anyway. But you can change yourself and thats what you should do. Dont separate yet but give your husband a chance. Let him make decisions for a change. Of course some will be the wrong ones. As long as there are no drastic results let them be. For example with my wife. She would always leave things in the car and would be very angry with me for taking them out saying she needed them the next morning and they were worthless anyway. I left them in one night and sure enough the windows were broken (not by me!) but nothing taken. Since then she has learned her lesson. Separation wont cure anything, neither will counselling only you can.


----------



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Thanks both. 
I have considered depression and havent ruled it out. He is very down about our situation and feels very guilty. 

accept - i agree with you that seperating isnt going to help. But he disagrees. He thinks its the only answer and that he needs space. i think its too late now unfortunately.


----------



## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

I find it odd that you guys are seperated because you are controling. You are devasted. You are still trying to control him even though you are seperated? You feel he is the one who needs to change?
If he does change it will be on his own time line, you can't control that. The one thing you should be worried about controling is the way you behave. Stop trying to control him and gain control over yourself first.


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

In reading, I wasn't very clear on what his issues were, in your opinion. If you exclude the issue of you being a little controlling, and how he relates to it, what are his issues? Does he just never stand up for himself with friends, or his work? Is he depressed? Or is the issue just how he relates to you? Sorry if this is obvious to others.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> He says he's weak and can't speak up when he doesn't like something or isn't happy and that he can never change. Unfortunately I have a controlling personality.


Please don't be offended by what I am about to say.
This is one of the more ridiculous questions I have seen. How can you change your husband given the fact that you are controlling? It's like you are describing your trait "controlling" like you have curly hair.

What happened to you is that your husband felt no love from you, and found that he could feel loved by another. Therefore, the obvious change to him is to get out of his marriage and find another relationship where he will feel loved. No counseling or other ideas are required, in his thinking.

A man generally needs to feel respected, admired and sexually desired/fulfilled in order to feel love coming from his woman. If you want your MARRIAGE to change, you should deliver to him a feeling of love coming from you, hiis wife.


----------



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

uphillbattle said:


> I find it odd that you guys are seperated because you are controling. You are devasted. You are still trying to control him even though you are seperated? You feel he is the one who needs to change?
> If he does change it will be on his own time line, you can't control that. The one thing you should be worried about controling is the way you behave. Stop trying to control him and gain control over yourself first.


We arent seperated yet. Hes still here. Hes leaving after xmas.
Maybe because i do tend be somewhat controlling i am seriously struggling to come to terms with all of this. I just feel over my head and out of control!!


----------



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Hicks said:


> Please don't be offended by what I am about to say.
> This is one of the more ridiculous questions I have seen. How can you change your husband given the fact that you are controlling? It's like you are describing your trait "controlling" like you have curly hair.
> 
> What happened to you is that your husband felt no love from you, and found that he could feel loved by another. Therefore, the obvious change to him is to get out of his marriage and find another relationship where he will feel loved. No counseling or other ideas are required, in his thinking.
> ...


I apreiciate everyones input but i will not be blmaed for his EA. Both of us were in this marriage for 18 years and for 17 of them we had a very loving, close relationship. I am not perfect by any means and as i said i am dealing with my issues and attending IC, BUT, he is by no means an innocent party in all this. e has rewritten our marriage history to justify what he has done. I am willing to forgive and move on, HE has said he is too weak and is not willing to change. 

I was merely asking how i can help him to help himself. How can i change my actions to enable us to have an amicable seperation!


----------



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Halien said:


> In reading, I wasn't very clear on what his issues were, in your opinion. If you exclude the issue of you being a little controlling, and how he relates to it, what are his issues? Does he just never stand up for himself with friends, or his work? Is he depressed? Or is the issue just how he relates to you? Sorry if this is obvious to others.


He says im controlling and needy. I do accept that i have issues and i am in IC at the moment to help me. He says that he isnt the type of person to say when he isnt happy about something or if he disagrees. he says he cant change now and thats just who he is. 

You are right, i just had my lightbulb moment! The issue just relates to me. So maybe i asked the question in the wrong way. How can i change to enable him to feel more able to to communicate his needs to me. Do i just back off completely? These are genuine questions i am asking.

Communication is a big problem for us at the moment. We both want our seperation to be amicable as we have 3 children. I am just not dealing with the situation very well at the moment!


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> I apreiciate everyones input but i will not be blmaed for his EA. Both of us were in this marriage for 18 years and for 17 of them we had a very loving, close relationship. I am not perfect by any means and as i said i am dealing with my issues and attending IC, BUT, he is by no means an innocent party in all this. e has rewritten our marriage history to justify what he has done. I am willing to forgive and move on, HE has said he is too weak and is not willing to change.
> 
> I was merely asking how i can help him to help myself. How can i change my actions to enable us to have an amicable seperation!


I don't think the comment was meant to imply that you could be blamed for the EA, because nothing excuses that, in my opinion. Its really sad that your husband would add the additional hurt of rewriting the history of your marriage on top of the hurt he has caused. Honestly, it sounds like you are doing all that is within your power. Keep letting him know that you want to work together for reconciliation.

If he is the type who avoids issues in general, outside the marriage, in addition to the marriage, hopefully time will show him that a big part of his problems are within him, and he needs to become active in helping address the areas where you are controlling, instead of running. Its hard in this case, because he could just continue to run from his problems. But if his avoidance issues are primarily within the relationship, I really feel like your committment to continue therapy, and communicating this to him regularly, can really demonstrate that you are offering a healthier relationship in the future. As a man, he will probably be more moved by practical, demonstrated change in the way you engage him. Its important, I believe, to get him to committ to some regular visits together where he knows that he won't be pressured about the relationship issues. The two of you can talk about general topics of interest, where he can see the new communication models you learn being put into action.

My wife struggles with being very practical-focused and critical. Through IC, she's seeing why this makes people avoid her. We have a daily routine now where we just talk about things in general, of a positive nature. It follows a recipe given to her by her therapist. She names one thing that she likes about a family member, then something that is going on in her life, and how she's handling it (self-sufficiency). Then, she talks about something that she dreams about being able to do as a wife and woman. You can't imagine the effect it has on me to begin to realize that 99% of our conversations are no longer about her problems, and problems with me. To me, this type of approach, in whatever frequency you can manage, is very important. 

You don't have to see the controlling behavior as being deeply flawed, but approach it from the mindset of a positive behavior that needs to be balanced with the needs of your husband. I mean, lets face it, there have to be aspects of these behaviors that have made things easy for him, haven't there? In certain situations, maye he can rest easy because you control the way things are done - so look at this as a way of finding balance that meets his needs as much as your own.


----------



## CalifGuy (Nov 2, 2011)

What is it with women trying to "change" the man they have chosen?!

Ha! I'd love to see how it went over if I tried to "change" my wife...when we first got together we had sex daily, sometimes twice daily, while now it is about 4x a week.

But, what if I actually expected it to go the opposite direction, you know, like twice daily and sometimes 3x daily?!

Isn't that what many women do...demand more while giving less?! 

You want more from your man? Well, then GIVE more to your man! And not just what YOU think he "needs" (nice home, stable life) but also what he says he NEEDS (lots and lots of SEX).

Too much bait and switch going on and it seems like it is more often the woman pulling the bait and switch than the man.


----------



## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

My two cents . . . my wife is also very controlling. Not in the sense of her barking out orders, but she 'just wants to make sure that everything's alright and everyone's happy.' Whether they like it or not. Additionally, she has very low self-esteem (and I suspect these two are related). She has a way of manipulating so many situations and is a master at deflecting any and all critisicms. Over the past 6 months, I have become acutely aware of this, and it's staggering to me the many subtle ways she increases her self esteeem by belittling others, shifting blame, avoiding various topics. When I read your first post, I thought that if your H did not have a strong self esteem to begin with (and you suggest he never stood on his own two feet), the contant controlling (and whatever else you may be doing) would eventually wear him down completely.

I suggest this from my own perspective and you may or may not see some of yourself/your relationship in this. Good for you that you are in IC - I know for my wife, she would tell me flat out, "There's nothing wrong with me" with the implication that it was all my issues. I don't deny that I have my own things to deal with (and have been in IC for some time), but she brings her own baggage to the relationship.

And, I don't mean to imply that you alone did this to him - he sounds like he needs some help too. If indeed his self esteem has been eroded, this might be partly the cause of him seeking an EA. Again, not an excuse - he needs to own that mistake and deal with it. Good luck


----------



## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> I was merely asking how i can help him to help himself. How can i change my actions to enable us to have an amicable seperation!


And maybe given my marriage I am overly sensitive to controlling stuff, but I read your statement here as still controlling. . . "What can I do to make him behave and feel the way I want him to behave and feel." Maybe he doesn't want an amicable separation for some reason.

Clearly you mean well, but still controlling.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I would give him a copy of No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover. But coming from you it may not be taken as helpful and he thus may ignore it.

One of the prime warnings in the book is that as a result of manning up, your marriage will either be strengthened or put into a long overdue grave. So remember that if your husband starts to have more backbone that the results may not be what you expect.


----------



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

jayde said:


> And maybe given my marriage I am overly sensitive to controlling stuff, but I read your statement here as still controlling. . . "What can I do to make him behave and feel the way I want him to behave and feel." Maybe he doesn't want an amicable separation for some reason.
> 
> Clearly you mean well, but still controlling.


Yes he does want an amicable separation as we have 3 children and they are our prime concern. He is picking the keys up to his new place on Monday but will continue to live with me until it is sorted. Probably after Xmas. We both hope to remain friends through this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

