# Is it time to end my loving 17 year relationship?



## me010698 (Jul 23, 2015)

Trust me, I know, the title sounds crazy.

Let me start with some background information. My wife and I have been together for 17 years, since 10th grade (January 6, 1998), since I was 16 and she was 15. We moved in together in February 2002 and got married September 21st 2002. We have 2 wonderful boys, 7 and 3 which means our first wasn't born until May 12, 2007, over 9 years since we started our relationship together.

If you didn't think I was crazy after the title alone, you're pretty convinced after that first paragraph I'm sure. Here's the problem(s). We are each others first (and only) relationship, love, sexual encounter (that's right, neither one of us has ever cheated). I guess I should have said "here's the problem(s) after that sentence, still sounds perfect, right! 

When you get together that young, that pure, that innocent it should give you every opportunity to grow together. Instead, we've grown apart. When we got together, I was a "jock" and she was the new girl in school that was borderline "goth" at her previous school (she never went back to goth because a jock wanted her, right?). We never started with common interests, we were young, excited, overwhelmed and quickly found LOVE.

Our love was, is, and always has been incredibly strong and pure, but everything else about us started to separate and grow apart. Don't get me wrong, there's always been a TV show, or a handful of movies we enjoy together, but besides our love, that's about where our common interests end. 

I like sports and video games, she likes books and sitcoms. While both drug free, we both discovered alcohol differently, we both had fun, but I honestly developed a problem (she had a step father that was a terrible alcoholic), and while I truly believe I never was an "alcoholic" (I no longer drink hard alcohol, only beer) it got to the point where a night of fun would end in anger. Not to the point of violence (once, over 8 years ago) but the type of anger that starts small and begins to consume a person, eat away at their trust (one of her biggest issues now) and other important factors.

We've never had common friends, rather our own set of friends that we'd interact with separately, and her more than me, would begin seeking to fill the gaps in our relationship with. I filled those gaps with video games and drinking. The closest either one of us ever came to cheating was her with a female friend of hers when she was incredibly pissed at me one night and was drinking with her and vulnerable. Nothing crazy, a one time thing I've more than forgiven her for, but as far as infidelity goes, that's it. Actually, while more and more rare through the years, our sex life (when it's actually happened) has always been very good.

Conversation, we don't know what that is lately and haven't for some time. We try and talk and our lack of common interests and hesitation to relax around each other has resulted in shortness and spitefulness in conversation, so more often than not, we just avoid each other. This is part of the reason we have to "force" our fun, we have to do something, go somewhere, it almost never comes naturally.

I think you can start to see, while we still held onto our incredibly strong "love," that's all we have, our relationships foundation doesn't extend past love. It got worse, I started sleeping in another room, "managing" our interactions to avoid fights, this began before our first child was born, actually while she was pregnant with him (nearing 8 years ago now).

Financially, while we do well now, it wasn't always so. We're homeowners again and besides the house and two nice cars currently have no debt, but in the past we've lost a home and filed bankruptcy. We've been through all of those ups and downs with me being the only income source since children entered our lives 8 years ago.

Our fights began to grow in regularity and while remaining non-violent, worsened emotionally. We literally can't take a vacation anymore (as recent as 2 disneyland trips last year, 1 just the 2 of us, once with all 4) without losing at least half of a day to a fight. I can say to our credit that we've somehow done an incredible job of not fighting in front of our kids. 

Now it's not always bad, usually after a number of fights, we talk enough to get to our most raw, emotional state and our love shines. I mean it when I say that our good is AMAZING, it always has been. But our bad has gotten to the point where it's not just bad, it's not healthy.

My wife has been battling depression, she's usually ok, but just last night, after yet another fight as mad as she was, I had to stay up most of the night to make sure she didn't hurt herself. That lasted a better part this morning. After talking it out, yet again, we're ok and she's off with her sister trying to clear her mind, and she left with a hug, a kiss, a smile and an "I love you."

Now the last month has been our worst, we've literally talked out an entire plan for an amicable divorce and are on the same page if it comes to that. We're at the point where we know we'll both always love each other, and I will always take care of her and my boys. Neither one of us wants divorce, deep down we know how true our love is, but after years and years of having nothing but love (that song is so full of ****) and years and years of a downward spiral of resentment, growing apart and frustration, we're at the breaking point. I literally don't know if both of us will SURVIVE another fight, and that scares me so badly.

We're both willing to work on things, and we really want more than anything to find a way to make it work, but we've arrived at a point where we're considering walking away. Becoming the couple that divorced even though they always truly loved each other, never (really) cheated, and has an incredibly wonderful family. All because we know that deep down, we're pretty sure that as hard as we try, love alone won't keep this vicious circle from repeating itself.

I don't know what to do, first and foremost, I want whats best for my wife and boys, and I'm scared now more than ever that the healthiest place for us to grow is away from each other. Regardless of how great our good can be.

Thank you for taking the time to read this novel, any advice means the world to me, I'm terrified of making the biggest mistake of my life, I just don't know which side of the fence that mistake is.

~Doug


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

quite a tale and sorry you are where you are at. A couple observations. 
What about MC before jumping down the divorce path?
Don't kid a kidder, Just because one only drinks beer and not the hard stuff does not mean there still isn't an alcohol problem.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

You and your wife owe it to your children to do everything humanly possible to save your marriage and keep their family in tact.

Do whatever it takes. Then, once all that is done if you still feel this way, you may have to make a hard decision. But your children come first in this - divorce is a huge disruption to their childhood and shouldn't even be considered when there's no good reason for it.


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## me010698 (Jul 23, 2015)

Maneo said:


> Don't kid a kidder, Just because one only drinks beer and not the hard stuff does not mean there still isn't an alcohol problem.


My problem was simply that when I was young and "learning" i would drink to get drunk. After over a year of not touching a drop, I have a few beers here and there, if I get "crazy," I'll polish off a 6 pack in a full day. Any problem from my drinking isn't control or abuse, it's if I have an IPA instead of a coors light, and she can smell it.


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## me010698 (Jul 23, 2015)

frusdil said:


> divorce is a huge disruption to their childhood and shouldn't even be considered when there's no good reason for it.


Completely understood, my wife comes from a broken home, but if a home isn't happy, and is constantly avoiding each other or fighting, are the kids better off if things are more stable? Even if the parents are no longer together? Just our thoughts on the matter, we've talked about it, more than once...


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

Maneo said:


> quite a tale and sorry you are where you are at. A couple observations.
> What about MC before jumping down the divorce path?
> Don't kid a kidder, Just because one only drinks beer and not the hard stuff does not mean there still isn't an alcohol problem.



Yeah, this line jumped out at me too. There's not one situation I can think of where getting drunk is going to make that situation better.

I'm one who doesn't believe in divorce so unless there's been infidelity or physical abuse, neither of which seem applicable here, then you should do all you can to work it out.

I don't buy the bullchit rhetoric of "we grew apart". If that be true then grow back together again. OP, you need to cultivate common interests with your wife and you both need to work on it.

My wife and I had similar struggles earlier in our marriage as we were definitely different people but we both compromised and realized that we actually did like things that the other liked if we went into it with an open mind and were willing to make an effort. The other option is to both find common interests in your kid's activities. 

All three of my children were huge into sports and my wife and I took great joy in watching and supporting them together.

My wife and I like taking walks together , for example, and she's even learned to like fishing since me and our two sons enjoy it so much. It's really not that hard if you make an effort at it.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

me010698 said:


> Completely understood, my wife comes from a broken home, but if a home isn't happy, and is constantly avoiding each other or fighting, are the kids better off if things are more stable? Even if the parents are no longer together? Just our thoughts on the matter, we've talked about it, more than once...


I stand by my first post. Parents owe it to their children to keep the family intact - this doesn't mean just staying in the same house, it means doing everything possible to repair the marriage so that there isn't the avoidance/fighting.

Before you disrupt your children's lives, and expect them to spend the rest of their childhood moving between two homes, and constantly having to think "where am I that week?" you should do anything and everything you can to make the home the best home you can.

I'm married to a divorcee, I see my stepdaughter having to deal with things that a child just shouldn't have to, it's not fair - things like carting a suitcase between two houses, not enjoying sleepovers elsewhere because its "somewhere else" she has to go. Being shunted around on holidays - half the day at one house and half at the other, bloody terrible and so unfair.

Kids don't ask for any of this.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

You two never were truly open to each other enough to allow the other one in. Also, neither of you were willing to bridge the gap and explore the world together. I find this incredibly sad, but I do not believe that it is that uncommon of a situation in marriages. I'm not sure all of the best resources out there, but maybe try to start with the 5 Love Languages literature - google it. This is a maturity issue pure and simple. Neither of you are mature enough to handle marriage. Being together at such a young age stunted the growth of both of you. What to do? You have kids together and financial entanglements. 

You say you two love each other. I don't believe that. I don't think either of you understand what marital love really is. So... Looks like you two are going to have to date each other. I think you will have to start close to ground zero and truly get to know each other. I'll bet neither of you talk much to each other about what is on your minds nor communicate much in general. Fix that. You two don't spend time together and heaven forbid that EITHER OF YOU TWO budge at all in order to meet in the middle to develop shared interests... 

If you want to make this marriage work. It's time for the two of you to become open minded. Spend at least 15 hours a week of quality time together. Develop shared interests - maybe try ballroom dancing, plays, sporting events, etc. Become foodies together and try to become "at home" gourmets. Exercise together like walking, biking, hiking, etc. And by all means communicate! Say what you mean and mean what you say. No passive aggressive bullsh!t - direct, clear and respectful communication. Most importantly? You two have 2 kids together. GROW UP!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Marriage counseling. You two need an emphasis on productive conflict and conflict resolution.

It is also possible she is having an affair. Not saying she is but that is often an invisible cause of much marital conflict.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## me010698 (Jul 23, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> It is also possible she is having an affair. Not saying she is but that is often an invisible cause of much marital conflict.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


An emotional affair with friends yes, seeking outwards instead of inwards to find fulfillment she's not finding here with me. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt she's not having a physical affair.


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## me010698 (Jul 23, 2015)

Mostlycontent said:


> I don't buy the bullchit rhetoric of "we grew apart".


What I mean more specifically can't be denied. Between the ages of 15 and 33 people DRASTICALLY change, and likely due to some of our other flaws, our paths of change went in opposite directions.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

me010698 said:


> What I mean more specifically can't be denied. Between the ages of 15 and 33 people DRASTICALLY change, and likely due to some of our other flaws, our paths of change went in opposite directions.


True and most couples Who start dating at such a young age don't stay together. You two have and even waited to have children so you must have felt you had a strong marriage then. Your fighting will eventually affect your children. You two need counseling to learn how to disagree without it lasting for hours. You both love each other plus you need to do everything possible to keep your family together.


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## me010698 (Jul 23, 2015)

Happilymarried25 said:


> and even waited to have children so you must have felt you had a strong marriage then.


I'm not trying to make our marriage sound completely miserable, but the thought of children distracted my wife from our problems. Don't get me wrong, we've always wanted kids, hell when we were dating we talked about potential names, but it only swept our issues under another rug. It also made it tougher to leave. We've both gone on record saying that if it wasn't for our kids there'd be no "us."


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

What is working on the marriage mean to you?

Think of love as an action. You have to do actions to demonstrate love to your wife. What are her emotional needs in marriage?

What are you arguing about? When a wife starts arguments it is really her telling you that you are not meeting her emotinal needs.

You can't have separate, outside friends to any degree that it interferes with your marriage.

When you are "working on your marrige" you need to be working on developing a mutually fulfilling connection with each other. That's what it means to work on a marriage.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I'm betting that both you and your wife think of love as a "thing", something that just is. It's not. It's an action, a continual series of actions, which makes your partner feel close to you and you feel close to your partner. I'm guessing neither of you had any idea that love was something you'd ever have to work at. And it's pretty obvious that neither of you has any idea how to work on building and sustaining love in a marriage.

I highly, highly, recommend that you buy two book, _His Needs, Her Needs_ and _Lovebusters_, both by Willard Harley. Read them together. There's a workbook that goes along with HNHN that you'll likely find helpful. They'll walk you through what it actually takes to create and maintain an intimate loving relationship. You can build compatibility. Dr. Harley's website at marriagebuilders.com is also chock full of helpful articles, but be aware that the discussion forums there can be very intense and may not be as helpful to you as the other resources on the site. 

Love is action. You and your wife have both got to start working on it.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

To answer the question in your title, NO, it is not time to end this relationship.

It is time to get some marriage counseling.


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## Brandy905 (Apr 3, 2014)

me010698;13191153
It got worse said:


> You moved out of your bedroom almost 8 years ago and are still there? If this is the case, that you can't share a room with your wife, why did you go on to bring another child into this?


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Been here a long time.
I know hopeless.
This aint it yet.
(Woot. I got to NOT say divorce her)


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

@me010698,

You've heard the advice. Best I can say now is is read these and open your eyes to what a good marriage looks like. 

The 5 Love Languages

Home | The 5 Love Languages® | Improving Millions of Relationships? One Language at a Time.

His Needs, Her Needs

A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

Best


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Hey, buddy, you had a bankruptcy and alcohol problem. You got some work to make her happy again.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Go booze free for six months and in that same time get your finances under control with a decent and realistic financial advisor.

Then sort out how you feel about your marriage.


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