# Wondering if this is normal? Does it ever get better?



## kexpo

Hi everyone. I’m new here. I’m uncomfortable talking about this issue to my friends and family. I guess I’m hoping someone out there will be able to relate or help in some way. I feel bad saying anything about my marriage like this. I don’t want to go behind my husband’s back. I’m struggling though. I don’t want to excuse anything I do with a but/though. Ugh…. I’m extremely nervous to write this here.

Here it goes…. 3.5 years ago I was unfaithful to my husband. I absolutely hate it and regret it. I hate what it did to my husband, my marriage, myself and our kids. When I think about it or talk about it I still get sick to my stomach and hate the choice I made. When my husband found out he told me to leave and we were separated for 4 months. He decided he wanted to get back together and I wanted to be with him too. We did a few sessions of marriage counselling but my husband didn’t like it. I bought books and read online. I want to do what I can for my marriage. I'll do anything.

The past 3 years have been extremely difficult. I don’t expect my marriage to go back to the way it was but I want it to be better than this. Maybe that’s not how this goes…. My husband says that I don’t deserve his fidelity and gave up that right when I cheated. Sometimes he stays out all night. When he does that he won’t tell me where he was because I don’t deserve to know. I know that he has slept with someone else before…. I hate that but I know I deserved it. He told me that he did it. Now he won’t tell me though and it’s really hard. Whenever he’s late, stays out all night, or is on his phone I’m flooded with sadness and worry. He can look at my phone whenever he wants but I'm not allowed to touch his stuff. I know I deserve that because of what I did to him. It's just hard.... I broke the trust not him. He deserves privacy. Is this how it’s supposed to be forever? We have moments of happiness and some good times. Sometimes weeks of being happy. Our marriage can be doing well then my husband brings up my infidelity out of the blue. I know that he needs to get it out and I won’t tell him to get over it. I have never told him to get over it. Does this last forever? I’m always waiting for the next remark that he will make. They cut deep…. I know that I deserve that and I made my own bed. I hate not knowing what he will say when he walks into the room. Does it ever get better or is this it? I know that I chose this path. Should I stop hoping for it to get better?

I’m pregnant and he won’t help me, go to appointments, touch me or talk about it because he thinks it’s not his. I know that’s my fault. I was pregnant when I cheated on him 3 years ago but was too early to know. He didn't think it was his. Now with this pregnancy he assumes it's not his again. I know that it is.... I haven't been with anyone else this time.... He won't do a DNA test. He doesn't want to spend money on it. He will when the baby is born.... I hate that. I know I won’t ever get my old marriage back. I don’t want my marriage to be like this forever though. Is this how it’s supposed to be? I know it’s my fault. My family says how lucky I am that my husband took me back and uses us as an example sometimes but they don’t know how hard it is. I probably shouldn’t be writing this at all because I’m doing it behind his back. I shouldn't be doing anything that I hide from him. I promised I would never hide anything from him. 

I want to give full disclosure…. I had sex with my husband's ex-best friend. I was pregnant at the time but I didn’t know yet…. I had sex with him 3 times in one day. I’m not trying to defend or excuse my actions. I’m trying to be honest and give as clear of a picture as I can…. My husband will ask me questions about it and I always come across wrong. I take full responsibility for my choices…. We made plans with our friends to spend the weekend at a friend’s vacation property. I carpooled with 2 friends of ours because my husband was working out of town. He was going to meet me there. My husband decided not to go and I couldn’t go home because I carpooled. I didn’t know I was pregnant because we weren’t trying that month. I rarely drink alcohol but drank that night. After 5-6 drinks I went and laid down and my husband’s ex-best friend came and laid down beside me and talked to me. He knew I was upset that my husband wasn’t there. I was attracted to him…. We weren’t close but we had known each other for 10 years. He would quietly tear down my husband and build himself up and I allowed it and dismissed it. I know that was wrong for me to allow for so many years. The night I had sex with him he talked to me about my husband ditching me. He touched me and kissed me and I froze. I didn’t know how to stop it at that moment…. He was attractive and I liked his company, but I didn’t want to do that. I went along with it and had sex with him…. I didn’t know how to stop it…. After it was over I laid there for a while crying. Our friends thought I was upset about my husband not being there and encouraged me to drink more. I drank more because I wanted to forget what I did. I drank a lot more. More than I ever have. I could barely walk and collapsed in bed. My husband’s ex-best friend came in again. I only remember flashes of it…. My husband hates that and thinks it’s an excuse. I remember letting him take my pants off…. Being on my knees and him in me…. It feeling good.... Letting him do something else… It being over. In the bathroom puking. Laying beside him. Then waking up to him rubbing me down there and putting it in. 2 of the 3 times he didn’t use a condom and didn’t pull out…. I don’t remember if he did the 2nd time. I avoided him and being alone the rest of Saturday and Sunday. I hate writing all of that….  I would take it back if I could. I hate it and feel disgusting. My husband found out from a friend. I didn’t get to tell him…. I didn’t want to tell him that over the phone and I was scared. I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to tell him and planned to tell him when I went home on Sunday. A friend had walked in on us Saturday morning and knew what we did. He told my husband while I was on my way home. When I got home my husband told me to leave and not to go back inside our house. I stayed with a friend then later with my parents. I hate what I did…. 

I want to make my marriage better.... I know I'm lucky my husband even wants to be with me and keep our family intact. I'll do anything to fix my mistake....

Ugh..... I'm sorry it's so long.

**To clarify, this baby is 100% my husbands.... I cheated 3 years ago. I was pregnant with #3 when I cheated. I was too early to know about it when I cheated and my husband didn't think it was his. I found out I was pregnant 3 days after I cheated. I'm pregnant with our 4th now. 

My husband doesn't want me to do counselling because he doesn't think I should have privacy.... He wants to know what I talk about to anyone. So just writing this is wrong.... I tried one of the online counselling paid sites before so he could read what I said. I can't divorce him.... I'm the one that messed up our marriage.


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## Cynthia

You need to get into individual therapy. You did a seriously awful thing, but you cannot have a healthy marriage with your husband treating you contemptuously. If you gave up the right to his fidelity, then he has given his up as well. Get some real help. Living in shame and allowing yourself to be abused is not the answer.


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## jlg07

First of all, if you husband has "taken you back" and you both have done the work to REALLY reconcile, then he shouldn't be holding this over your head.
Taking you back, and then HIM cheating on YOU isn't OK at ALL. Not how marriage is supposed to work. If he is doing this, you really have NO marriage and should just divorce him.

In addition, for the baby, you can have DNA testing done (not sure how soon -- maybe 12 weeks? You'd have to check with your Doctor) to find out who the father is. If it is him, end of story. If the other guy, then you can go after him for child support.

Clearly, you know you broke the trust and the marriage by doing this. He is going through all sorts of **** right now because of what you decided to do. However, he doesn't have the right to abuse you over it. You BOTH need counseling as well as marriage counseling. If he isn't willing to talk or let you in, you know the marriage really is already over.


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## notmyjamie

kexpo said:


> Hi everyone. I’m new here. I’m uncomfortable talking about this issue to my friends and family. I guess I’m hoping someone out there will be able to relate or help in some way. I feel bad saying anything about my marriage like this. I don’t want to go behind my husband’s back. I’m struggling though. I don’t want to excuse anything I do with a but/though. Ugh…. I’m extremely nervous to write this here.
> 
> Here it goes…. 3.5 years ago I was unfaithful to my husband. I absolutely hate it and regret it. I hate what it did to my husband, my marriage, myself and our kids. When I think about it or talk about it I still get sick to my stomach and hate the choice I made. When my husband found out he told me to leave and we were separated for 4 months. He decided he wanted to get back together and I wanted to be with him too. We did a few sessions of marriage counselling but my husband didn’t like it. I bought books and read online. I want to do what I can for my marriage. I'll do anything.
> 
> The past 3 years have been extremely difficult. I don’t expect my marriage to go back to the way it was but I want it to be better than this. Maybe that’s not how this goes…. My husband says that I don’t deserve his fidelity and gave up that right when I cheated. Sometimes he stays out all night. When he does that he won’t tell me where he was because I don’t deserve to know. I know that he has slept with someone else before…. I hate that but I know I deserved it. He told me that he did it. Now he won’t tell me though and it’s really hard. Whenever he’s late, stays out all night, or is on his phone I’m flooded with sadness and worry. He can look at my phone whenever he wants but I'm not allowed to touch his stuff. I know I deserve that because of what I did to him. It's just hard.... I broke the trust not him. He deserves privacy. Is this how it’s supposed to be forever? We have moments of happiness and some good times. Sometimes weeks of being happy. Our marriage can be doing well then my husband brings up my infidelity out of the blue. I know that he needs to get it out and I won’t tell him to get over it. I have never told him to get over it. Does this last forever? I’m always waiting for the next remark that he will make. They cut deep…. I know that I deserve that and I made my own bed. I hate not knowing what he will say when he walks into the room. Does it ever get better or is this it? I know that I chose this path. Should I stop hoping for it to get better?
> 
> I’m pregnant and he won’t help me, go to appointments, touch me or talk about it because he thinks it’s not his. I know that’s my fault. I didn’t know I was pregnant when I cheated on him. I know I won’t ever get my old marriage back. I don’t want my marriage to be like this forever though. Is this how it’s supposed to be? I know it’s my fault. My family says how lucky I am that my husband took me back and uses us as an example sometimes but they don’t know how hard it is. I probably shouldn’t be writing this at all because I’m doing it behind his back. I shouldn't be doing anything that I hide from him. I promised I would never hide anything from him.
> 
> I want to give full disclosure…. I had sex with my husband's ex-best friend. I was pregnant at the time but I didn’t know yet…. I had sex with him 3 times in one day. I’m not trying to defend or excuse my actions. I’m trying to be honest and give as clear of a picture as I can…. My husband will ask me questions about it and I always come across wrong. I take full responsibility for my choices…. We made plans with our friends to spend the weekend at a friend’s vacation property. I carpooled with 2 friends of ours because my husband was working out of town. He was going to meet me there. My husband decided not to go and I couldn’t go home because I carpooled. I didn’t know I was pregnant because we weren’t trying that month. I rarely drink alcohol but drank that night. After 5-6 drinks I went and laid down and my husband’s ex-best friend came and laid down beside me and talked to me. He knew I was upset that my husband wasn’t there. I was attracted to him…. We weren’t close but we had known each other for 10 years. He would quietly tear down my husband and build himself up and I allowed it and dismissed it. I know that was wrong for me to allow for so many years. The night I had sex with him he talked to me about my husband ditching me. He touched me and kissed me and I froze. I didn’t know how to stop it at that moment…. He was attractive and I liked his company, but I didn’t want to do that. I went along with it and had sex with him…. I didn’t know how to stop it…. After it was over I laid there for a while crying. Our friends thought I was upset about my husband not being there and encouraged me to drink more. I drank more because I wanted to forget what I did. I drank a lot more. More than I ever have. I could barely walk and collapsed in bed. My husband’s ex-best friend came in again. I only remember flashes of it…. My husband hates that and thinks it’s an excuse. I remember letting him take my pants off…. Being on my knees and him in me…. It feeling good.... Letting him do something else… It being over. In the bathroom puking. Laying beside him. Then waking up to him rubbing me down there and putting it in. 2 of the 3 times he didn’t use a condom and didn’t pull out…. I don’t remember if he did the 2nd time. I avoided him and being alone the rest of Saturday and Sunday. I hate writing all of that….  I would take it back if I could. I hate it and feel disgusting. My husband found out from a friend. I didn’t get to tell him…. I didn’t want to tell him that over the phone and I was scared. I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to tell him and planned to tell him when I went home on Sunday. A friend had walked in on us Saturday morning and knew what we did. He told my husband while I was on my way home. When I got home my husband told me to leave and not to go back inside our house. I stayed with a friend then later with my parents. I hate what I did….
> 
> I want to make my marriage better.... I know I'm lucky my husband even wants to be with me and keep our family intact. I'll do anything to fix my mistake....
> 
> Ugh..... I'm sorry it's so long.



You and your husband have not reconciled. You are living together but you are not acting like a couple. His revenge affairs are doing nothing to heal your marriage. You thinking you deserve his treatment has to stop. You've indicated you will do what it takes to heal things but taking his abuse is taking it a step too far. 

I think you need to take a couple steps. One is to start some counseling for yourself. You need help navigating the situation you find yourself in. You also need to learn why a man who was not your husband was able to have sex with you because you "didn't know how to stop it." That tells me you were either drugged in addition to all the alcohol or you have some issues surrounding sex and expectations of men and women. The way to stop it was to push him off of you and walk out of the room. That needs to get resolved now before you end up with someone else. The other is to tell your husband that it all stops now. Either you're married or you're not. He can't be going out and doing whatever and whoever he wants and flaunting it in your face. His goal was to hurt you as you hurt him. It sounds like that was accomplished so now it's time to knock it off. If he refuses, leave him. Maybe some time apart will make him realize what he really wants, whether that's to stay together or not. Your therapist should be able to help you see that made this horrible choice, you don't deserve to be treated in such a way from your husband indefinitely.

If you haven't had a paternity test yet, you need one.. Your husband shouldn't have to go through the entire pregnancy wondering if that baby is his. That's unfair. And although you might feel confident he is the father, I'd hope you can see why he is not confident of that. If he won't take one, ask the other man to do it to help you. But don't expect much. He had no problem sleeping with his friends overly intoxicated wife. He sounds like he's not the most upstanding guy.


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## jlg07

"Here it goes…. 3.5 years ago I was unfaithful to my husband. I absolutely hate it and regret it. "
...
"The past 3 years have been extremely difficult. "
.....
"I’m pregnant and he won’t help me, go to appointments, touch me or talk about it because he thinks it’s not his.* I know that’s my fault. I didn’t know I was pregnant when I cheated on him.* "

?? I just realized the story here -- you said you were unfaithful 3.5 *YEARS* ago, but then say that you didn't know you were pregnant when you cheated and are pregnant NOW?

? I'm missing something -- did you mean 3.5 MONTHS ago you cheated?


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## 3Xnocharm

It sounds to me like your H has no intentions of forgiving you and working on the marriage. He keeps you there to punish you. What he is doing is NOT OK, and I think you need to leave. Maybe after some time apart he can get his anger under control and then you can see where you guys are at. You do need to come to terms with the fact that he may very well never forgive you. If that is how this ends up, then you should NOT remain married to him. Subjecting yourself to a lifetime of punishment is no way to live. 

Have your baby DNA tested. He needs to know beyond a doubt that the baby is his. Even if you dont stay together, he will need to step up and take responsibility if it is. 

As has been mentioned, you need to get into some kind of counseling for yourself. You need to find out what made you do this, why you were so weak, and what you need to do to keep it from happening again. You keep saying that you deserve everything he is doing to you, but you dont. If you were still in your affair or not remorseful and trying to put in the work, then that would be a different story. No one deserves to be treated like this, and I feel you should leave both for your own emotional health and for the health of the baby you are carrying.


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## sunsetmist

For me, fetal alcohol syndrome would be a big concern with regard to the baby.

Did not understand time sequence.


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## TJW

kexpo said:


> I don’t expect my marriage to go back to the way it was but I want it to be better than this. Maybe that’s not how this goes….


It is unfortunate, but it may not be "how this goes". There are very few marriages which are ever the same after an affair. This would be especially true after there has been adultery on both sides of the marriage.

I'm not sure about your pregnancy, you speak about it in the present tense but your affair was 3.5 years ago. It's true that you can get DNA testing to prove you husband's paternity whether you have a 3-year-old child or are carrying now. I recommend you do this, settle this issue completely with your husband, regarding any children about which progeneration is in dispute.

Unless you two seek professional help, your marriage is not likely to improve significantly. Although there are some testimonies which say "our marriage got better because of an affair"....the truth is, affairs never make the marriage better. What makes the marriage better is that the two people "do the work" which needed to be done prior to the affair, but wasn't.


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## Cynthia

Her baby is two years old and she is pregnant again. This has been going on for three years, since her husband found out.

How do you know that your toddler is your husband's? Did you have a DNA test done?


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## kexpo

I'm sorry I wasn't clear. I cheated 3 years ago. I was pregnant with #3 when I cheated. I was too early to know about it when I cheated and my husband didn't think it was his. I found out I was pregnant 3 days after I cheated. I'm pregnant with our 4th now. This baby is 100% my husbands and he wanted it. 

I had a DNA test on our 3rd after birth. My husband wants another DNA test when this baby is born. He doesn't want to do a prenatal DNA test because of the cost. 

My husband doesn't want me to do counselling because he doesn't think I should have privacy.... He wants to know what I talk about to anyone. So just writing this is wrong.... I tried one of the online counselling paid sites before so he could read what I said. I can't divorce him.... I'm the one that messed up our marriage.


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## TJW

The test doesn't have to be done prenatally. 

It's not a good idea to hide counseling from your husband. Go to a marriage counselor. If he won't go, then he really does not want things to be different in your marriage, he prefers this "license" he has to behave poorly.

You have every good right to end your marriage, because of your husband's adultery and poor treatment. Although, I commend you for wanting to save your marriage and be a complete nuclear family for your children.

It is true that you've contributed in a major way to the demise of your marriage. So has your husband.


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## Cynthia

kexpo said:


> I'm sorry I wasn't clear. I cheated 3 years ago. I was pregnant with #3 when I cheated. I was too early to know about it when I cheated and my husband didn't think it was his. I found out I was pregnant 3 days after I cheated. I'm pregnant with our 4th now. This baby is 100% my husbands and he wanted it.
> 
> I had a DNA test on our 3rd after birth. My husband wants another DNA test when this baby is born. He doesn't want to do a prenatal DNA test because of the cost.
> 
> My husband doesn't want me to do counselling because he doesn't think I should have privacy.... He wants to know what I talk about to anyone. So just writing this is wrong.... I tried one of the online counselling paid sites before so he could read what I said. I can't divorce him.... I'm the one that messed up our marriage.


It is not wrong for you to seek help. It is wrong for your husband to isolate you. It's abusive. Your husband is punishing you. That is abuse. 
Dear lady I am sorry that you are suffering like this. Please stick around here and get help. It may take some time before you understand this, but please listen. Your husband does not have a right to commit adultery. He especially doesn't have a right to blame it on you. You do not deserve to be treated this way.

It is right and good that you should seek help. Your husband is lying to you when he says you shouldn't.


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## jlg07

"I can't divorce him.... I'm the one that messed up our marriage."
But HE is continuing to help mess up the marriage -- what you have now is YOU being a whipping post for him. He gets to do whatever he wants, have sex with anyone he wants, goes anywhere and you are not allowed to know anything. THAT is not a marriage.
That is him abusing you for 3 years for you cheating.

YOU can divorce at any time -- just because you cheated first, doesn't mean you need to accept this type of abuse.
YOU are feeling guilty (understandably), but HE is manipulating/abusing you due to this guilt.

You having counseling is good for YOU and your marriage. Tell him you aren't hiding anything -- you are trying to understand why you did what you did and so that you can get better and NOT have that happen again.
He is just flat out abusing you at every chance due to this. HE needs counseling to get past this extreme anger.


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## NobodySpecial

kexpo said:


> I'm sorry I wasn't clear. I cheated 3 years ago. I was pregnant with #3 when I cheated. I was too early to know about it when I cheated and my husband didn't think it was his. I found out I was pregnant 3 days after I cheated. I'm pregnant with our 4th now. This baby is 100% my husbands and he wanted it.
> 
> I had a DNA test on our 3rd after birth. My husband wants another DNA test when this baby is born. He doesn't want to do a prenatal DNA test because of the cost.
> 
> My husband doesn't want me to do counselling because* he doesn't think I should have privacy.... He wants to know what I talk about to anyone*. So just writing this is wrong.... I tried one of the online counselling paid sites before so he could read what I said. I can't divorce him.... I'm the one that messed up our marriage.


He wants you trapped.


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## Lostinthought61

okay what you did was wrong...and it sucked but i have to say that your husband wanted to get back after 4 month separation, if that was the case then why do so under the duress of be a jerk. It would have been better to divorce instead you got back so he could shame you, belittle you into staying giving him all the power....yeah honestly i would tell him enough is enough and he either stop his crap or you plan on divorcing him and put him in the poor house. you have a one sided marriage.


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## NobodySpecial

CynthiaDe said:


> *It is not wrong for you to seek help*. It is wrong for your husband to isolate you. It's abusive. Your husband is punishing you. That is abuse.
> *Dear lady I am sorry that you are suffering like this. Please stick around here and get help. *It may take some time before you understand this, but please listen. Your husband does not have a right to commit adultery. He especially doesn't have a right to blame it on you. You do not deserve to be treated this way.
> 
> *It is right and good that you should seek help*. Your husband is lying to you when he says you shouldn't.


Yes, please. Seconding this.


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## 3Xnocharm

You know, if he had gone out and had a one night stand revenge affair, even though that is still a crappy thing, then you could say "touche" and call things even. But three years of allowing him to abuse you isnt atonement, and no, its not normal. I feel terrible for you, because you think you deserve this. NO ONE deserves this. 

One thing I dont understand though is WHY you would be bringing another child into this mess with such a horrible man?


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## kexpo

I'm the one in the wrong though. I caused our problems. It was his best friend....

Having a 4th baby was a spur of the moment choice. It wasn't a good choice.... My husband said he didn't want to use a condom and that having another would be okay. He said it would fix our problems. I was stupid to go along with that. It was only once but it only takes one time. He had a condom out then changed his mind on using it. That wasn't enough planning or thinking about adding another child. I wanted to do anything to fix my marriage.... I clung onto what he said and went with it.... I know I'm stupid. As soon as I got pregnant he said it wasn't his....


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## notmyjamie

3Xnocharm said:


> You know, if he had gone out and had a one night stand revenge affair, even though that is still a crappy thing, then you could say "touche" and call things even. But three years of allowing him to abuse you isnt atonement, and no, its not normal. I feel terrible for you, because you think you deserve this. NO ONE deserves this.
> 
> One thing I dont understand though is WHY you would be bringing another child into this mess with such a horrible man?


I couldn't possibly agree more. He is doing all of this on purpose to make you suffer for hurting him. And he's alienating you from other people to make you weak. Did he do these things before you cheated? Did he want this new baby or you? He could be wanting you tied down with children so you see no clear way to leave him. I'm wondering if his controlling behavior contributed to your feelings of not being able to stop the other man when you had sex. If you've been controlled all this time, you definitely need counseling. And children or no, there is always a way to leave.

Has he ever hurt you physically? Have you ever thought he was about to but then was able to stop himself? If so, these are very serious red flags. 

Again, no one deserves what he's doing to you.


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## jlg07

kexpo said:


> I'm the one in the wrong though. I caused our problems. It was his best friend....
> 
> .


Yes you caused the original break by sleeping with his best friend a number of times.
HE IS CONTINUING the problem. You WERE in the wrong and have tried to atone, yes?
HE IS IN THE WRONG and is doing nothing but abusing YOU WITH IT....

You had original sin, but he is the one sinning now (and repeatedly). He is using your one night of cheating to allow him THREE YEARS of cheating.

You really need counseling (or go see a priest) to get over this crippling guilt you have (and yet he has none...).


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## Tron

kexpo said:


> My husband said he didn't want to use a condom and that having another would be okay. He said it would fix our problems.


Sounds like he wants to back out of that commitment.

I mean sure...why the hell would he want to give up the gig he has got going? 

He has the best of all worlds right now. He can go F anyone he wants, stay out all night, treat you like **** every day and you take responsibility for it. 

My suggestion would be to hold him to the bargain, starting right now, hold his feet to the fire and tell him to act like a husband and a man and start to treat you with respect. If he can't do it then you need to go talk to a lawyer.


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## notmyjamie

Also, if he is sleeping around, you should not be having unprotected sex with him. End of story. God only knows what he's bringing home to you. 

It's time to end this abuse. You have paid for your sins multiple times over. Get out now, please.


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## kexpo

I feel guilty and horrible for saying something about it on the internet. I'm the one that ruined our marriage.... This is all my fault and my consequence. I can't break up my family.... It's not my kid's fault that I was a bad wife. I have to keep my family together. It's my fault. I hate reading my texts because sometimes he texts me that I'm a ***** out of the blue.... He walks by me and mutters it sometimes then says he didn't say anything.... I hate it. I want that to stop. He says he'll stop when he can trust me. He wants every detail of that night and I don't remember it all.... He thinks I'm hiding something. 

Our marriage was okay before I cheated. It might not have been the best but it was better than this.... We married at 18 because we had a 7 month old and I was pregnant.... We did what was supposed to be the right thing. It was better than this. He was the only guy I had been with so I can't compare it to much.


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## Cynthia

You don't want to live like this otherwise you wouldn't be here. We want to help you see that your husband's behavior is not normal or right. His behavior is abusive.


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## Tasorundo

You are being abused. You might even have a form of stockholm syndrome here. If you knew someone being treated as you describe, you would not hesitate to tell them to get help.

What you did was bad, but you do not deserve to be punished for the rest of your life. What he is doing now is worse than what you did, in my opinion.


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## jlg07

"I feel guilty and horrible for saying something about it on the internet. I'm the one that ruined our marriage.... This is all my fault and my consequence. I can't break up my family.... It's not my kid's fault that I was a bad wife"

If you let this sham of a marriage continue, you are also going to be a bad mother. You are showing your kids that it's ok for the father to treat a woman like CRAP and she sits there and takes it. Do you want your sons growing up thinking this is the normal way to treat someone in a relationship? Don't you want THEM to have a good relationship when they get older?
If so, you better start SHOWING them that you won't put up with this crap from your husband.

This is not ALL your fault (yes some is), but it is ALSO your husbands fault for continuing the problems.


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## Tron

You are not doing yourself or your kids a favor by submitting yourself to this abuse. And it is abuse.

It teaches them that 2 wrongs make a right. That it is ok to treat a woman and a wife like ****. And that the woman/wife has to take it. 

Time to give up your co-dependent thinking, grow a backbone and show them different.


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## 3Xnocharm

kexpo said:


> I feel guilty and horrible for saying something about it on the internet. I'm the one that ruined our marriage.... This is all my fault and my consequence. I can't break up my family.... It's not my kid's fault that I was a bad wife. I have to keep my family together. It's my fault. I hate reading my texts because sometimes he texts me that I'm a ***** out of the blue.... He walks by me and mutters it sometimes then says he didn't say anything.... I hate it. I want that to stop. He says he'll stop when he can trust me. He wants every detail of that night and I don't remember it all.... He thinks I'm hiding something.
> 
> Our marriage was okay before I cheated. It might not have been the best but it was better than this.... We married at 18 because we had a 7 month old and I was pregnant.... We did what was supposed to be the right thing. It was better than this. He was the only guy I had been with so I can't compare it to much.


You must work to get yourself out of this mindset. This is a terrible example for your children, not to mention no way for you to have to live. Yes you did something wrong, but years of punishment for it is entirely out of line. Your husband is not a man, no real man would be behaving in this way.


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## kexpo

What do I do? He's my husband.... I don't want to be with anyone else. I've been with him for 13 years. Since I was a teenager. I'm second guessing my whole marriage now and that's not fair to him. I don't know if he's controlling or not.... He says it's not bad and it's in my head. Now he says I'm pregnant and hormonal. Maybe he's right. He's the only guy that I've had a relationship with. I don't talk about my marriage to friends or family. He changed when I was unfaithful to him. Our marriage wasn't perfect before but it wasn't like this.... He didn't cheat before.... The first 5 years were hard until we figured it out. He'd didn't want to be married but we did the right thing. After doing the wrong thing. We had our first two kids when I was 17 and 18. I'm okay with some things my husband does. I know I don't deserve freedom or privacy. Some of it I want to stop. I don't want him being with anyone else. Can I even ask that? I broke that first.... I've asked him not to but he says it's none of my business after I let another man in me.... I want our sex life to go back to what it was.... I hate how it is now. It's my fault. I don't want to be called names anymore. He didn't want to be cheated on though and I did that.... I wish I could take it back. My husband was the only guy I had been with. It should have stayed that way. I ruined myself for him.... He said he would stop when I tell him everything but I don't remember it all.... Part of that night I only remember a few seconds at a time. I've told him everything that I remember. I'm not lying....He won't claim this baby as his until after the birth and he gets a DNA test. I don't know what to do. This wouldn't be happening if I would have been faithful.... I don't want to break up my family. The thought of being divorced, pregnant with 3 other kids is scary. My kid's shouldn't lose their family because I can't take my own consequences. He's not that bad.... I don't know what to do


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## jlg07

kexpo said:


> What do I do? He's my husband.... I don't want to be with anyone else. I've been with him for 13 years. Since I was a teenager. I'm second guessing my whole marriage now and that's not fair to him.
> THIS IS FEAR talking - you are afraid of the unknown because you HAVEN'T known it any other way.
> I don't know if he's controlling or not.... He says it's not bad and it's in my head. Now he says I'm pregnant and hormonal. Maybe he's right.
> NO he is not. YES what he is doing is BAD for a marriage and VERY BAD/ABUSIVE to you.
> 
> He's the only guy that I've had a relationship with. I don't talk about my marriage to friends or family. He changed when I was unfaithful to him. Our marriage wasn't perfect before but it wasn't like this.... He didn't cheat before.... The first 5 years were hard until we figured it out. He'd didn't want to be married but we did the right thing. After doing the wrong thing. We had our first two kids when I was 17 and 18. I'm okay with some things my husband does. I know I don't deserve freedom or privacy. Some of it I want to stop. I don't want him being with anyone else. Can I even ask that? I broke that first.... I've asked him not to but he says it's none of my business after I let another man in me.... I want our sex life to go back to what it was.... I hate how it is now.
> This is because he is abusing you -- HE is cheating like crazy because you did it one night. THIS is not a loving man or marriage. He is just stringing you along and abusing you due to his own anger. Did you ever say to him -- "I cheated ONCE and you have cheated for 3 years?
> If you continue to do this, I will not stay in this because this is no marriage and I won't be your punching bag anymore".
> 
> It's my fault. I don't want to be called names anymore. He didn't want to be cheated on though and I did that.... I wish I could take it back. My husband was the only guy I had been with. It should have stayed that way. I ruined myself for him.... He said he would stop when I tell him everything He is full of it -- he won't ever stop but I don't remember it all.... Part of that night I only remember a few seconds at a time. I've told him everything that I remember.
> If he is so adamant about this -- tell him you will take a polygraph to prove you don't remember anything else. I know that HE couldn't pass any sort of polygraph
> 
> I'm not lying....He won't claim this baby as his until after the birth and he gets a DNA test. I don't know what to do. This wouldn't be happening if I would have been faithful.... I don't want to break up my family.HE is doing a good enough job of breaking up the family by himself.
> The thought of being divorced, pregnant with 3 other kids is scary. My kid's shouldn't lose their family because I can't take my own consequences. He's not that bad.... I don't know what to do


They won't lose their family -- just you and your husband will just not be together. He is just as active at splitting up your family as what you did.
YES HE IS THAT BAD. He cheats, goes out and cheats and leaves YOU home babysitting and not knowing at all where he is? YES, that is bad.

Look, YES what you did was wrong in one of the worst ways a married couple can go wrong, but the ABUSE that he is doing to you, justifying three YEARS of cheating and punishing you, that is JUST as bad as what you did. You need to get that into your head and stop being the martyr that this is all ONLY your fault. He is doing it also.


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## Cynthia

Can you agree that your husband is treating you badly and that you cannot have a happy marriage when your husband is cheating on you, calling you names, and blaming everything on you?


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## Spicy

Here is the bottom line. In my opinion reconciliation denotes forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn’t tend to be perfect, because it is hard for the betrayed. Although it’s nearly impossible to never bring up the infidelity again, what is going on here is indeed abuse as _everyone else _has told you.

Your husband has not remotely forgiven you, and it doesn’t sound like he has even really tried or intended too. Until he can and does, your life with him will continue to be miserable.

I would recommend you sitting him down and explaining to him that you need his forgiveness for this ONS, not just the reconciliation. That it seems that so far he is not able to do this. That you are no longer able to live under this constant guilt trip, that may entail the rest of your life. That you propose a legal separation. If during that time he can forgive you, stop holding it against you, and stop constantly and using it as a life time hall pass...then you can reunite. If he is unable to do this, then you should move forward with divorce.

You have to get the courage up to do this. It’s time to get a backbone, and wake him up. He won’t believe you will see it through, but have your plan in place, and be ready to leave and go to your family or friends. Then GO. Call his bluff. I bet he will be begging you to come back and promising you the world. He thinks you are forever more his whipping pole. Are you?


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## kexpo

I want to say yes I agree.... I can't though. I cheated on him. I treated him worse.... I blew up our lives. He won't tell me what he does or where he goes. It's none of my business because no lost my right. I'm not allowed to be mad, upset or ask about it. I did this to myself.... When has it been enough? I don't want him to want anyone else but me.... I only want him. It's my fault though. My husband was the only guy I had been with and I ruined that. I ruined myself for him. He was with a lot of other people before me but liked that I had only been with him. Now that's ruined. 

I want our marriage to be better. I'm not doing enough to fix my mistakes. It has been 3 years and no improvement. It feels like I cheated yesterday. I still feel gross. If it's that fresh and hurts so much for me still it has to be the same for my husband. I don't know what I'm doing wrong.... I do everything he tells me to. I read books and follow them. He won't read them or do them with me because I haven't done enough for him yet. He won't even be at the hospital when I have our baby because he doesn't trust that it's his.... He wasn't there for our 3rd either....  

I've said that I will leave if our marriage doesn't get better. He says to go ahead but enjoy our divorce.... He knows how to win every argument and make me feel small.... When we separated 3 years ago he went to all of the good divorce lawyers for a paid consultation so I couldn't use any of them. Everything is in my husband's name and his parents made me sign a prenup before we married. My husband is a corporate lawyer and he has connections. I'd get destroyed in a divorce. I don't want a divorce anyway.... I married my husband to be with him for the rest of my life. I'm the one that blew up our marriage and I can't even fix it  It shouldn't be this bad and i don't know what I'm doing wrong.


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## BioFury

kexpo said:


> I want to say yes I agree.... I can't though. I cheated on him. I treated him worse.... I blew up our lives. He won't tell me what he does or where he goes. It's none of my business because no lost my right. I'm not allowed to be mad, upset or ask about it. I did this to myself.... When has it been enough? I don't want him to want anyone else but me.... I only want him. It's my fault though. My husband was the only guy I had been with and I ruined that. I ruined myself for him. He was with a lot of other people before me but liked that I had only been with him. Now that's ruined.
> 
> I want our marriage to be better. I'm not doing enough to fix my mistakes. It has been 3 years and no improvement. It feels like I cheated yesterday. I still feel gross. If it's that fresh and hurts so much for me still it has to be the same for my husband. I don't know what I'm doing wrong.... I do everything he tells me to. I read books and follow them. He won't read them or do them with me because I haven't done enough for him yet. He won't even be at the hospital when I have our baby because he doesn't trust that it's his.... He wasn't there for our 3rd either....
> 
> I've said that I will leave if our marriage doesn't get better. He says to go ahead but enjoy our divorce.... He knows how to win every argument and make me feel small.... When we separated 3 years ago he went to all of the good divorce lawyers for a paid consultation so I couldn't use any of them. Everything is in my husband's name and his parents made me sign a prenup before we married. My husband is a corporate lawyer and he has connections. I'd get destroyed in a divorce. I don't want a divorce anyway.... I married my husband to be with him for the rest of my life. I'm the one that blew up our marriage and I can't even fix it  It shouldn't be this bad and i don't know what I'm doing wrong.


Yes, you made the original mistake, and blew up your lives. But, that could have been healed if both of you were on board. Your husband, is the one *continuing *to blow up your lives. If all he was doing was giving you a hard time, it would be a tool move, but I'd get it, you cheated.

But that's not what he's doing. He somehow believes that since you cheated once, years ago, that gives him a license to cheat repeatedly, with whoever, whenever he wants, for the foreseeable future. He's doing 10x what you did.

You made a mistake, took responsibility like a mature adult, and have tried to make it right. Your husband on the other hand, has cheated on you multiple times, blamed you for his choices, and refuses to acknowledge that his actions are wrong.

Who is the better person? The one who makes a mistake, and tries to do better? Or the one who engages in behavior they know is wrong, continues to do it over and over again for years, all the while blaming someone else for it?


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## Cynthia

If you are unwilling to do anything to help yourself, why are you here?


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## kexpo

I shouldn't have come here. I'm sorry... I'll go. This was a mistake.


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## NobodySpecial

Spicy said:


> Here is the bottom line. In my opinion reconciliation denotes forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn’t tend to be perfect, because it is hard for the betrayed. Although it’s nearly impossible to never bring up the infidelity again, what is going on here is indeed abuse as _everyone else _has told you.
> 
> Your husband has not remotely forgiven you, and it doesn’t sound like he has even really tried or intended too. Until he can and does, your life with him will continue to be miserable.
> 
> I would recommend you sitting him down and explaining to him that you need his forgiveness for this ONS, not just the reconciliation. That it seems that so far he is not able to do this. That you are no longer able to live under this constant guilt trip, that may entail the rest of your life. That you propose a legal separation. If during that time he can forgive you, stop holding it against you, and stop constantly and using it as a life time hall pass...then you can reunite. If he is unable to do this, then you should move forward with divorce.
> 
> You have to get the courage up to do this. It’s time to get a backbone, and wake him up. He won’t believe you will see it through, but have your plan in place, and be ready to leave and go to your family or friends. Then GO. Call his bluff. I bet he will be begging you to come back and promising you the world. He thinks you are forever more his whipping pole. Are you?


This. Boom.


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## Tasorundo

kexpo, your mistake is leaving here and accepting the behavior of your husband.

You are right to come here. You are right to think this is not acceptable.

The reason why you still feel gross about the cheating, is that your husband won't let you stop feeling that way. He is constantly reminding you of it, and constantly beating you down with it.

Neither of you will ever heal this way.


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## Cynthia

Here's an idea. Tell all of this to your OBGYN or midwife. They know what resources are available to you.


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## BioFury

kexpo said:


> I shouldn't have come here. I'm sorry... I'll go. This was a mistake.


It wasn't a mistake. We're trying to help you make this better. But in order to make it better, you need to take our advice to heart, and put it into action. Is that something you can do?


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## MattMatt

kexpo said:


> I shouldn't have come here. I'm sorry... I'll go. This was a mistake.


No. It was no mistake. Please, @kexpo, do not leave TAM.

Would counselling as a couple help?


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## sunsetmist

Y'all married at 18, having one child and with you pregnant. You were having sex at a young age and he was experienced in having sex even before he met you. How old are the kids? He must have gone to school a long time to be a corporate lawyer (family business?). Did you take care of the kids or get more education? 

IMO: your husband may someday get tired of punishing you and move on, but that is not likely. He now leads the single life and has protection from all his girlfriends wanting to marry him. If you are 'lucky' he may fall in love again and leave. It is possible that he is trying to be so mean to you that you will leave and he will invoke the pre-nup. I think you now need good legal advice. 

Actually, your 'mistake' could have occurred at just the right time for him. Wonder if he could be feeling guilt because he could have been unfaithful to you secretly before this even happened, who knows? He could have set you up with his friend for all you know. He knows how to control you and does it well.

One could blame him for not showing up for the out of town vaca after he let you go, for not protecting you as a husband should. Y'all could have done a poly years ago to give him truth, but that would have been too easy. If his constant abuse had been physical rather than emotional, would you still be there? 

What would you have to feel about him to treat him like he treats you? Not what he 'deserves' but actual feeling? His feelings toward you lean more toward hate than love. Your kids will be damaged seeing his behavior. Financially, he will have to support the kids and if you can prove how he treats you, who knows--likely he would have to pay support until you can find employment training. Hopefully your pre-nup was reviewed by your lawyer--surely you didn't agree to give him the kids? That would have been signed under duress. Does his family know and approve of how he treats you?

The more you kotow to his bullying, the more he will disrespect you. Find your inner strength, please don't let him destroy you.


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## kexpo

My husband won’t do counselling. He doesn’t like it. We did counselling 7 years ago. It went well and our marriage was better. I cheated and we went back 3 or 4 times. He hated it and refuses to go again. He won’t let me go by myself. It helped before so I wish he would try again…. 

My husband is 5 years older than I am. We had our first when I was 17. We married when I was 18. He was almost 23. 

Our kids are 12, 11, 2 and I’m 24 weeks pregnant. 

My MIL and FIL put my husband through school. He comes from a family of lawyers. His family owns a law firm. My MIL retired last year but my husband works with my FIL, BIL and my husband’s uncle. 

I have a degree. I have barely used it though. It’s in our prenup that our debt isn’t shared. I racked up student debt because it took me longer than normal to finish. Even though we could pay off the student loans my husband doesn’t want to. I don’t think there are any good lawyers left that I could see. My husband said he left the bad ones for me. That’s my fault though…. 

He could be having relationships with other women? Not only ONS’s or less? Real relationships? He went out last night from 12-3. Who goes out at midnight on a Tuesday….  He comes home and wants to have sex though.... He wouldn't if he had just had it right? I need him to be with only me…. I’m trying to make it up to him. I do everything he tells me to....

My husband wouldn’t set his then-friend to have sex with me right? No one would do that right? My husband was mad at the other guy too and they are not friends anymore. He was mad that the guy didn’t use a condom, that we had sex 3 times and a way we did it…. He was more mad at those particular details than the sex itself. Is that normal? He wasn’t mad that the other guy had sex with me while I was way too drunk. The other guy made sure I always had a drink in my hand. I know drinking isn’t an excuse. I don’t use it as one.

When my husband is mad his anger fills the room. He doesn’t hit or yell though. I don’t know what I would do if he hit me though…. I know hitting isn’t okay. He wouldn't. It would be my fault if he did. I feel stuck….

I would never treat him the way he treats me…. Our prenup doesn’t affect child support or custody. I wouldn’t get spousal support. My MIL and FIL made sure the prenup would be airtight. The lawyer I saw said not to sign it…. I was 18. I didn’t think my life would look like this…. Now I’m stuck. We have 3 children together and I’m pregnant. He GPS tracks my phone and vehicle. He records my calls and checks what numbers I call. He looks through my phone. He’d know if I went and talked to a lawyer. I’ll have a bad lawyer. Divorcing him scares me…. That could be worse than this. I don’t want to give up on him. I caused this…. Things could get better. 

His family doesn’t know what my marriage is like. We don’t ever fight in public. If something happens in public we deal with it when we’re home. He acts different when we’re alone. People think he’s a good guy and husband. My parents think he’s great and say I’m lucky to have him. He treats everyone else well and people love him. It’s just me…. It’s because I cheated on him. 

This morning I read a website called ’25 Signs of a Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist’ on lifelessons.co and all of them fit…. He’s my husband though. I shouldn’t be thinking like that. It doesn’t change my marriage. I’m probably wrong anyway. 

I want to do something…. I don’t know what to do. I’ve learned to not even say no to anything. I don’t know how to even talk to him. We have a family. I married him to be with him. I didn’t want this or to divorce…. I already threw it away and it’s horrible…. I don’t want to make my life worse by throwing away the rest….


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## Cynthia

My goodness. I wish I could reach out and hug you. I'm very glad to see you back here.

It would be good for you to start reading about abuse.

Do you have spending money?

Who buys the groceries?

Do you realize that you are a virtual prisoner?


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## NobodySpecial

Here I am sitting in my own little corner of the internet hoping your "husband" gets hit by a bus.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am no fan of cheating. But let me lay out a scenario that may be pure fiction. Or may not be. His controlling behavior did not start with your affair. Dealing with things behind closed doors. Not "letting" you do things. His anger filling rooms. I would even bet my farm (I don't have a farm) that you were lonely, confused and in pain. (People on this board will scream NO EXCUSE NO EXCUSE NO EXCUSE. That's fine. Whatever. It is not my point.) I am willing to bet fat stacks of cash that your "husband" was always an abusive ****. And now HE has an excuse to not only remain an abusive **** but add whatever sexual and romantic ventures he feels like to the mix.

Fact? Or fiction?


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## Cynthia

kexpo said:


> This morning I read a website called ’25 Signs of a Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist’ on lifelessons.co and all of them fit…. He’s my husband though. I shouldn’t be thinking like that. It doesn’t change my marriage. I’m probably wrong anyway.


He didn't just wake up and become a narcissist. The reason why he was interested in your in the first place was partly to do with your age difference. He thought he could control you from the beginning, but when you cheated he saw he couldn't and he tightened the screws and took out every trick in the book to make you believe everything he is saying to you, but the fact is; he is lying to you. He has filled your head with lies.

You believe it's all your fault because that's all you hear. You aren't allowed to hear the truth, which is why you are feeling afraid to even be here. Stop believe lies. Please keep coming back here, but make sure you clear it from your internet history and start using the incognito mode on your device.

And start talking to your family about what's going on. They need to know.


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## notmyjamie

kexpo said:


> Is that normal? He wasn’t mad that the other guy had sex with me while I was way too drunk. The other guy made sure I always had a drink in my hand. I know drinking isn’t an excuse. I don’t use it as one.


As a women's health nurse I have to tell you that I'm starting to think this man drugged you in addition to getting you drunk. Your spotty memory is very suspicious. The last time I said this to someone she went to the hospital and tested positive for rohypnol after swearing to me up and down that it just wasn't possible. That test saved her marriage. I wish someone had told you to get tested 3 1/2 years ago. 

But pushing that aside for a moment, you are an abused wife. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. I suspect you were abused long before this incident and that helped make you an easy target. You need help. Start with individual counseling. 

If you have daughters, do you want them to grow up learning that it's okay for a man to treat a women the way your husband treats you? If not, you need to get out now!!!!


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## Spicy

Hire yourself a shark lawyer from another town. Tell your family everything. Call in the troops.


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## aine

kexpo said:


> My husband won’t do counselling. He doesn’t like it. We did counselling 7 years ago. It went well and our marriage was better. I cheated and we went back 3 or 4 times. He hated it and refuses to go again. He won’t let me go by myself. It helped before so I wish he would try again….
> 
> My husband is 5 years older than I am. We had our first when I was 17. We married when I was 18. He was almost 23.
> 
> Our kids are 12, 11, 2 and I’m 24 weeks pregnant.
> 
> My MIL and FIL put my husband through school. He comes from a family of lawyers. His family owns a law firm. My MIL retired last year but my husband works with my FIL, BIL and my husband’s uncle.
> 
> I have a degree. I have barely used it though. It’s in our prenup that our debt isn’t shared. I racked up student debt because it took me longer than normal to finish. Even though we could pay off the student loans my husband doesn’t want to. I don’t think there are any good lawyers left that I could see. My husband said he left the bad ones for me. That’s my fault though….
> 
> He could be having relationships with other women? Not only ONS’s or less? Real relationships? He went out last night from 12-3. Who goes out at midnight on a Tuesday….  He comes home and wants to have sex though.... He wouldn't if he had just had it right? I need him to be with only me…. I’m trying to make it up to him. I do everything he tells me to....
> 
> My husband wouldn’t set his then-friend to have sex with me right? No one would do that right? My husband was mad at the other guy too and they are not friends anymore. He was mad that the guy didn’t use a condom, that we had sex 3 times and a way we did it…. He was more mad at those particular details than the sex itself. Is that normal? He wasn’t mad that the other guy had sex with me while I was way too drunk. The other guy made sure I always had a drink in my hand. I know drinking isn’t an excuse. I don’t use it as one.
> 
> When my husband is mad his anger fills the room. He doesn’t hit or yell though. I don’t know what I would do if he hit me though…. I know hitting isn’t okay. He wouldn't. It would be my fault if he did. I feel stuck….
> 
> I would never treat him the way he treats me…. Our prenup doesn’t affect child support or custody. I wouldn’t get spousal support. My MIL and FIL made sure the prenup would be airtight. The lawyer I saw said not to sign it…. I was 18. I didn’t think my life would look like this…. Now I’m stuck. We have 3 children together and I’m pregnant. He GPS tracks my phone and vehicle. He records my calls and checks what numbers I call. He looks through my phone. He’d know if I went and talked to a lawyer. I’ll have a bad lawyer. Divorcing him scares me…. That could be worse than this. I don’t want to give up on him. I caused this…. Things could get better.
> 
> His family doesn’t know what my marriage is like. We don’t ever fight in public. If something happens in public we deal with it when we’re home. He acts different when we’re alone. People think he’s a good guy and husband. My parents think he’s great and say I’m lucky to have him. He treats everyone else well and people love him. It’s just me…. It’s because I cheated on him.
> 
> This morning I read a website called ’25 Signs of a Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist’ on lifelessons.co and all of them fit…. He’s my husband though. I shouldn’t be thinking like that. It doesn’t change my marriage. I’m probably wrong anyway.
> 
> I want to do something…. I don’t know what to do. I’ve learned to not even say no to anything. I don’t know how to even talk to him. We have a family. I married him to be with him. I didn’t want this or to divorce…. I already threw it away and it’s horrible…. I don’t want to make my life worse by throwing away the rest….


Kexpo, how was your marriage before you cheated? was your husband equally as controlling? Making you sign a pre-nup agreement when you were only 18 sounds terrible.
I think you have to stand up to your husband. He doesn't love you he just wants to keep you so he can abuse you and punish you for something which happened over 3 years ago. You tell your H you are having counselling, I am sure you can get counselling which is not so expensive. Tell him you will give the marriage another 6 months and if nothing is working you want a divorce. You are young enough, educated, and he will still have to pay child support, you can support yourself. YOu sound like you have very low self esteem and are not willing to take the blinders off and see your abusive situation for what it is. If he fights with you, record everything. You can buy those small hidden recorders and cameras, ensure you keep records of what goes on within 4 walls, stand up for yourself and stop beating yourself up. Even though what you did was wrong, you allowed yourself to be plyed with alcohol and taken advantage off, which was niave to the extreme, in fact you need to grow up and take control of your life and stop being dependendant on him and allowing him to dictate your life.
You can do this, go to see a women;s group to get advice. He does sound like he has cruel narcissistic tendancies.


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## aine

kexpo said:


> I shouldn't have come here. I'm sorry... I'll go. This was a mistake.


You sound like a victim, you are NOT a victim, please do something to help yourself. You have young kids who are depending on their mother, young daughters who will one day look up to their mother, what are YOU going to do about it?


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## Cynthia

You have options. You don't have to live like this. If you work through this with us, we will help you figure it out.


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## Taxman

In my estimation, you are not back with your husband. He is keeping you handy, and it is helping in feeding his resentment. I have few doubts that at some point this marriage will be terminated, when he figures out favorable custody and favorable division of assets. You are three years out and the situation has not improved. He is basically living life as a single man, and has a built in nanny, maid and chef.

I know that you feel intense guilt for what was done. Sorry, but now you need to figure out whether you want him to continue to walk all over you or demand therapy to determine whether this is salvageable or simply end it and move on.


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## kexpo

I could be overreacting and my husband and marriage are not as bad as I make them seem…. I’m the only person who sees him this way. 

I have some of my own money. My husband transfers money if I need it. We use separate banks. I don’t have access to his accounts. He has access to mine and checks it. 

Whoever goes shopping buys the groceries. I buy them more often than my husband. Why do you ask?

Our prenup wasn’t my husband’s idea. My MIL and FIL told my husband to do it. They didn’t want my husband to marry me. 

He wasn’t this controlling before I cheated. I haven’t done enough for him to trust me again. I don’t have anything to hide except writing here. I’m okay with some of what he does because I’m not cheating. I wish he wouldn’t be as obsessive about it though…. My marriage wasn’t this bad before I cheated. He has always been on the controlling side but not like this. 

He wasn’t like this until I cheated. Dealing with problems privately, his anger filling the room, and saying what I can and cannot do has always been part of our marriage. Not to the extent it is now though…. He dialled it up after I cheated. My husband has always done small things that I didn’t like. I dealt with it though. I’m use to it now. He has always been this way. It’s been dialled up for the last 3 1/2 years because of what I did. My husband uses my cheating to justify his actions but he wouldn’t if I hadn’t cheated. I haven’t made it up to him yet…. I don’t like trying to defend my husband…. He’s good too. Before I cheated on my husband we spent a lot of time together. We still have a weekly date night. We have weekend getaways sometimes. He cooks on the weekends. If we’re out he is affectionate. He helps around the house when he can. He’s not all bad…. 

I’m supposed to say that I had sex with someone because I was selfish and wanted to. I didn’t want to though. I didn’t plan it or think about it beforehand. I was curious occasionally but not about a specific person. I never thought about acting on curiosity. When my husband’s friend came on to me I didn’t want to have sex with him. I wasn’t excited or turned on. He didn’t drug me though…. He wouldn’t have done that. I was conscious. I drank too much. I did something to make him think I wanted to have sex with him. I don’t know what that was though…. When he came onto me I froze and I didn’t know what to do. In my head I wanted him to stop. I went with it because I didn’t know how to make him stop. I know that sounds stupid. My husband doesn’t buy it either. My mental faculties shut down. I participated but I was on autopilot. I hate that I did it…. I still feel gross and dirty. I would take it back if I could. Every time I have sex with my husband I remember what I did and what it felt like. I hate it and that isn’t fair to my husband. The second time I guess I wanted to do it. I don’t remember enough…. Having sex with him felt good…. The limited amount that I remember felt better than any other time I’ve had sex…. I know that’s bad and I shouldn’t even say it. I think it was because I was so drunk. There was nothing special about him. My husband hates that though. That’s fair and it’s my fault. The third time I was too hungover and felt too gross to care. The hangover was horrible and I could barely move. I wanted him to get it over with and leave me alone…. My husband doesn’t believe me. I don’t expect anyone else to. I was upset and mad that my husband changed his mind and didn’t come. I didn’t plan to cheat because of it though....

I don’t know how to talk to my parents about this. They might think I’m overreacting and being stupid. My parents are complicated. My mom isn’t a naturally nurturing person. She tries but she isn’t easy to talk to. My dad was emotionally nonexistent. His only parenting role was discipline and control. He was in the military and gone a lot. I’m not close to either of my parents. I talk to them and see them but I’ve never talked to them about my problems. My dad and husband are similar in some ways. That’s how it goes I guess…. I don’t want my kids to be in marriages that feel like this…. I’m a bad parent if I stay and a bad parent if I go. 

Is there anything that I can do to fix this? We saw a marriage counsellor 3 years ago. We talked about giving it 2 years. If I couldn’t do the work and help him trust me 2 years was our end point. I don’t know what else to do…. I caused this. I want to fix it  I'm sorry this is long....


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## Cynthia

#1 thing you need to understand is that there is no magic formula for making your husband see the light and change his ways. You cannot control him. You can only control yourself. Therefore, if this situation is going to change, you have to be the one making changes that he has to adjust to.

In order to protect yourself, I recommend that you get a safety deposit box and start putting money in it. If you get another bank account, he will find out, because it's part of that tax documents. It is important for you to start developing a nest egg. You can do this without him knowing.

When you go shopping, always, always get cash back. Put it in the safety deposit box. He will never know. You can slowly increase the amount you get back until you are getting $50 at at time. This will start to add up soon and will give you a sense of security and hope.

Your husband going to all the attorneys in town is a tactic that is frowned up and he could actually get into legal trouble for it.

If you live in a community property state, you have more rights than you realize, despite the prenup.

I recommend you tell your husband that you want to be the best wife possible and need to get into therapy to resolve things that are holding you back from doing that. If he still refuses, then let it rest for a while, then tell him that you need help in dealing with the children and being the best mom you can be.

Does your husband monitor your book purchases?

You could start visiting your parents and let them know that there is trouble in your marriage. You don't need their advice or emotional support, but they do need to be aware. Do you trust your parents to babysit?

Do you have a babysitter? What do you do with the children when you need to get your hair and/or nails done?

You are in no hurry, but it's time to start working on a plan and taking back your life a little at a time.


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## aine

I’m not so sure you weren’t raped, were you actually in a position to say NO? I think seeing a therapist to talk through the sex with the OM might be enlighten8ng, some cognitive work or even hypnotherapy?


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## jlg07

"I’m the only person who sees him this way. " I think he is very narcissitic -- they worry about about how THEY look to others -- it's all a front. He is treating you like crap and YOU NEED TO STAND UP. Please stop feeling so guilty. 

YES you cheated and that was a ****ty thing to you. YOU need to get to counseling to see WHY you did this so that you can fix yourself. However, HE is using you as a punching bag in private -- you need to stop putting up with this.


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## oldshirt

I haven't read all 4 pages, I don't have to after reading the first post. 

This is wrong. 

He had a right to divorce you and carry on with his own life. 

He does not have a right to hold you hostage through your guilt and indenture you to a life of torment and mistreatment. 

This is cruelty and abuse. This is not reconciliation. 

Your H is an ass an perpetuating evil and you are perfectly in your right to walk away. 

This is a toxic and harmful relationship. 

BS's have the right to extricate themselves from infidelity and carry on with their own lives and have the right to leave their WS's behind. 

They do not have the right to dangle reconciliation and then use the WS's guilt as weapon to torture, humiliate and torment them. 

Your H is a cruel and abusive bully that does not have a right to loving wife. Being cheated on does not entitle anyone to the mistreatment of others even if the WS did cheat. 

Both the H and the H's friend are horrible people. Birds of a feather often do flock together. But in this case it's more like a pack of rats. 

You'd do well to get away from all of them.


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## Kamstel

Your poor husband!!


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## sokillme

Maybe the damage was just to great. This is a terrible story, but what your husband is doing to you is not right, and what you have is not a marriage. Some things in life just end before you expect. It's better to accept that. Seems like you two together now is just toxic.

I am not even going to mention his cruelness to you because you don't want to, but even looking at it from that perspective you seem to see this is kind of you penance for what you did. The thing is even if you look at it that way, first off there will never be any justice after infidelity. It just doesn't work that way. Second he way your husband is acting now is destroying his character. So in a sense you being together is making it worse. How will this effect your kids? How about their relationship with him? 

Sounds like he already had issues, and you being together is just making it worse. One of the hard lessons that even very deeply remorseful adulterers learn is that you can't heal your spouse, the spouse has to heal themselves. The irony is that you took away his agency in his life for a time when you cheated, but he is the only one who has agency in his own healing. 

Everything in life ends eventually.


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## sokillme

aine said:


> I’m not so sure you weren’t raped, were you actually in a position to say NO? I think seeing a therapist to talk through the sex with the OM might be enlighten8ng, some cognitive work or even hypnotherapy?


It's sound like after the first time she was too inebriated to say yes or no. The first time doesn't sound like that as she tells it. Freezing from surprise though unfortunate is not the same in my mind.


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## sokillme

kexpo said:


> Part of that night I only remember a few seconds at a time. I've told him everything that I remember. I'm not lying....He won't claim this baby as his until after the birth and he gets a DNA test. I don't know what to do. This wouldn't be happening if I would have been faithful.... I don't want to break up my family. The thought of being divorced, pregnant with 3 other kids is scary. My kid's shouldn't lose their family because I can't take my own consequences. He's not that bad.... I don't know what to do


Honestly I think your relationship is toxic to both of you at this point, but if you insist.

How about getting a polygraph? 

I think your answer though you don't want to here it is, yes you don't want to be the one who break up your family but you already did when you had sex with that guy the first time. Maybe it's time you accept that your marriage is dead and make your peace with that. 


What happened to the snake of a friend by the way? I hope your husband was as harsh on him too.


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