# Tired of it all after wife's cheating



## whatsgoingon1 (Sep 6, 2013)

Wife and I had a troubled 7 year marriage. We had multiple points of tragedy with unable to have children, issues with side attention from other men due to low self esteem which would come and go, and fights which would get chaotic and end in no real resolution.

Eventually we got to a point she no longer had to work and I could support her. This brought about a year+ of peace to our lives as much of the fighting and other stresses seemed to melt away. She ended up starting a few side hobbies such as gaming which aligned with my own interests. She started to get a bit of a side profit started with this hobby and streaming. She eventually wanted to grow the hobby more and became online friends with some other streamers who were successful to talk about it almost like colleagues.

It got to a point she made enough money to go to a gaming convention which would help her meet some of her game friends and grow her stream more. I was ok with it as it all seemed innocent. The event came she went and was gone several days then came back home. A few weeks after the convention she came to me and started talking about open marriage and with the decline in ours I humored the conversation. This lead to her admitting she cheated on me at the convention with someone. I didn't know what to think dwelled on it a while. 

Eventually I felt something was off and found messages between her and one of her younger friends going to the point where she was hitting on him for months before the convention - they hooked up there then were sexting and talking about it after to the night she told me she cheated. In the messages they planned a secret fwb relationship when they travel to meet up at these conventions and made plans for the next one coming up to share a room. 

I blew up about it - left the house a while. She tried to pitch it as a positive in the relationship even to the point of bringing genetic diversity for having kids. I didn't want to hear any of it and thought everything was done. I left a week then she took off a week. Eventually I met someone else and hooked up with them. Around the holidays we were both back at the house and eventually talked about reconciliation and hooked up like we never did before. It was great and we started talking and planning therapy for both of us we thought we could fix things.

We have been to 3 therapists and nothing is working. She ended up securing all her tech to keep me from snooping and I have caught her in messages a few times with the other guy. She also has private messaging sessions with other guy friends which are questionable. I feel done and I am pissed off constantly. I brought up divorce and she does nothing but keep telling me how much she loves me and keeps trying to be around me 247 or initiate. The only thing good is the hooking up at this point and emotionally I am dead and done with the relationship. 

How can I move forward? She says she refuses to sign any papers because she loves me and doesn't want to loose me, I also know if I push a divorce I will be trapped for about a year until court dates. She also went from blocking him, to not talking to him to taking steps to not talk to him and is not cutting problem people out of her life. It is driving me crazy and I don't know how to act or what to do around her. I have been going to a personal therapist at this point and it has been helping me, but I feel trapped on this sinking ship.

My main next step I am thinking is leaving a letter and the papers and going away for a week again to focus on myself and work saying we can do this the easy way and start new chapters in our lives as friends or the hard way with her not signing.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

In 2013, she was lying, gas-lighting (now genetic diversity!), having an EA with someone who had applied for a job--sounds like this continues. Her infidelity started about one year after you were married--as far as you know. You got good advice then, but are still with her. Who knows how many indiscretions she has had behind your back? 

Cheaters continue to cheat if you allow this. Cheaters are addicted to the drug-like brain rush that they get when they cheat. Like any drug addict your wife will say and do anything to continue getting her high.

So I am glad you have finally had enough. Just divorce--the way you choose to approach it is up to you and YOUR LAWYER!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

whatsgoingon1 said:


> Wife and I had a troubled 7 year marriage. We had multiple points of tragedy with unable to have children, issues with side attention from other men due to low self esteem which would come and go, and fights which would get chaotic and end in no real resolution.
> 
> Eventually we got to a point she no longer had to work and I could support her. This brought about a year+ of peace to our lives as much of the fighting and other stresses seemed to melt away. She ended up starting a few side hobbies such as gaming which aligned with my own interests. She started to get a bit of a side profit started with this hobby and streaming. She eventually wanted to grow the hobby more and became online friends with some other streamers who were successful to talk about it almost like colleagues.
> 
> ...


Stop running away that won't get you anywhere. She's not friend material. Definition of friend = honest, loyal and trustworthy. You are keeping yourself in limbo.

You don't need her to sign anything.

Hard 180 no contact. It only works if you apply it.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

GO GET HELP. Seriously better to be trapped for a year then a lifetime. File for divorce. Let the lawyers handle it. Move on, never talk to her again.

You are just her surrogate father anyway.


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## whatsgoingon1 (Sep 6, 2013)

Yeah my lawyer advised to try and keep it cordial as I may loose more money in the situation. I was thinking to try the her signing option first, hard stop be away as she goes through the emotions - come back after a few days after she makes a decision and if its not a signature push for a divorce.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Hang a $2.00 a turn sign on her butt and at least get some cash out of it.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

whatsgoingon1 said:


> Yeah my lawyer advised to try and keep it cordial as I may loose more money in the situation. I was thinking to try the her signing option first, hard stop be away as she goes through the emotions - come back after a few days after she makes a decision and if its not a signature push for a divorce.


You can be cordial and not live with her. Just move on and leave the papers. Who cares if she is upset.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

-Thank your lucky stars you don't have children with her. 

-file for divorce ASAP so if she does get pregnant with one of the "genetically diverse" offspring from some other dude, you don't have to foot the bill. 

- she is a recalcitrant cheater that doesn't even try to hide it.
(that is because you don't ever do anything about it)

-She is placating you with sex because you fall for it every time. She can basically do whatever she wants as long as she rides you like a stolen horse afterwards. that is on you. 

- You do not need her approval, cooperation or buy-in to get a divorce.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

She is a serial cheater and you are what's called a mad hatter. That means you both have stepped out of the marriage. She has done the more grievous harm.

1. *File.* It can be stopped at any time you feel satisfied.

2. *STD check.* *****s have viruses.

3. *180 technique.* Look it up.

4. *Is she making money from this gaming?* Good you get a cut after the divorce.

5. *Stop paying for her trips.*

6. *Genetic diversity?* Who is this person? You going to support somebody else's genetic result?


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## whatsgoingon1 (Sep 6, 2013)

I agree with all of this. I am done and tired of the emotional crap I keep getting dragged through. I keep trying to make this divorce happen easier for me but the reality is it will be hard any way it happens.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Put on your Nike’s and Just Do It.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

whatsgoingon1 said:


> I agree with all of this. I am done and tired of the emotional crap I keep getting dragged through. I keep trying to make this divorce happen easier for me but the reality is it will be hard any way it happens.


Now your getting it!
It took me years to get to where you are today.
Bravo my man! Good job.
Life awaits ahead and it's wonderful!


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Sell the idea to her. Keep it all positive. Tell her the divorce will give her the no-strings-attached freedom that she wants. She can have children with other men without being saddled with some man who isn't the father. Tell that the two of you will still have a fulfilling friendship and FWB relationship after the divorce. Then once the ink is on the paper, cut her out of your life completely. 

If you cannot sell the idea to her, start the divorce process on your own and just wait it out.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

This stops when you say it stops. 

However, that also includes making her your ex-wife. She is not wife material.

Love yourself enough to refuse to tolerate the intolerable.



Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Tatsuhiko said:


> Sell the idea to her. Keep it all positive. Tell her the divorce will give her the no-strings-attached freedom that she wants. She can have children with other men without being saddled with some man who isn't the father. Tell that the two of you will still have a fulfilling friendship and FWB relationship after the divorce. Then once the ink is on the paper, cut her out of your life completely.
> 
> If you cannot sell the idea to her, start the divorce process on your own and just wait it out.


Exactly what I did....worked like a charm. 
Got everything I wanted. 
After years of her deception I didn't feel bad about doing so.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Just divorce. You dont need her damn signature. Yes it would make it easier, but the struggle to get it done is worth the outcome.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

One of my clients did not know what device his wife was using to cheat. She went out one afternoon, and returned to each and every piece of tech save and except for a radio and TV switched to cable, was destroyed. Her phone was taken from her hand as she crossed the threshold, and smashed. He used a land line, which had been installed an hour or so earlier, to cancel both of the cell phones. She started literally vibrating, saying you are cutting me off. He said back to her, I am just ****-blocking you. Believe it or not, two hours later, her OM shows up at their door. He was worried that something bad happened to her. Something did. Her OM lost a whole bunch of teeth. He also was identified, and his wife called. His gaming console looked like a slag heap shortly thereafter.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

@whatsgoingon1

Your wife is not sorry for cheating, unwilling to stop, and is trying to convince you to accept her FWB situation with other men. She is now hiding the affairs by trying to find secret ways to communicate with them.

The fork has been stuck in it for years now, the fat lady is singing at the top of her lungs, your marriage is over. You are her Plan B. The home base for security and support between trips out of town where she acts like the single party girl.

With no kids, you need to act now before you reach that magic number of years married where you could be paying her alimony for the rest of your life.


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## whatsgoingon1 (Sep 6, 2013)

That's the really sad thing too - the other guy is in another state and only agreed to meet and hook up at these events but would make time if she came to visit. When I read the messages it was like mostly her throwing herself at him for attention. He would be into it just enough then change the topic eventually. She gave all the intimacy to him from our marriage after several months of flirts. I don't know how their voice conversations went but I am guessing they also got to that level. 

After the original fallout she moved to this guys gaming team, and hard locked down all her devices. 

When we were talking about reconciliation and her cutting hard contact, she compared not talking to him as her asking me to stop contact with one my my Highschool friends I had for 20+ years and couldn't just end it. Her conversations went from she blocked him, to not talking to him, to taking steps. It reminded me of all the things she was pushing through this mess like open marriage, how she cant trust me with snooping (Which I feel fully justified for), FWB outside the marriage, talking about romances from TV shows where people make it work etc. At that moment I think is when everything really sunk in and I hard checked out/want out.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

@whatsgoingon1


This is all very simple. You got the wrong dog for the wrong job.

You don't buy a golden retriever to be a viscous attack dog. You don't get a Pekingese to be hunting dog and you don't get a bulldog to win races at the dog tracks.

She is simply not bred and raised to be a monogamous, faithful wife. It's not in her design or nomenclature.

She screws whoever she wants when she wants and then uses her sexuality to smooth you over and make you think that she is something she isn't.

It's like the bulldog losing the dog race but then licks your hand and cuddles up agaisnt you on the couch.

You may like his attention and affection, but that doesn't mean he'll run any faster or do anything but come in dead last in every single race.

She's going to screw other dudes. Period. That is what her DNA makes her do. 

If you want to have a gal that cuddles you at night and lays you like tile and you are willing to accept that she is going to be screwing other dudes along with you (and probably getting knocked up and wanting you to foot the bill) then you've got your girl. 

But if you want a partner that is faithful and only screws you- then you are going to have to find someone that is a more suitable breed for that task.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

whatsgoingon1 said:


> I agree with all of this. I am done and tired of the emotional crap I keep getting dragged through. I keep trying to make this divorce happen easier for me but the reality is it will be hard any way it happens.


Divorce is never easy from what I have read. 

Unless the one that is cheating just leaves the home when confronted.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

whatsgoingon1 said:


> My main next step I am thinking is leaving a letter and the papers and going away for a week again to focus on myself and work saying we can do this the easy way and start new chapters in our lives as friends or the hard way with her not signing.


With friends like her, you don't need any enemies. She has hurt you over and over again, yet you still want to be her friend. Seek individual therapy for this. You don't need marriage counseling. It doesn't work when one person is unwilling to do what it takes to resolve the marriage problems and clearly your wife wants to have only the benefits of marriage and none of the responsibilities that go along with that. Remove her from your life permanently.

Be happy you didn't have children with this woman. She wouldn't make a good mother either. She only cares about herself. That is not good parenting material.

She doesn't have to sign anything. You go to the attorney and tell him that your wife will not sign, so you need to take the route necessary to get this divorce done without cooperation. She hasn't cooperated in marriage. What makes you think she's going to cooperate in anything? Personally I think you should draw up papers where you take everything. If she wants to fight it, then be reasonable, but if she refuses to cooperate she'll end up with nothing and it will be all her fault, just like the rest of this mess.


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## whatsgoingon1 (Sep 6, 2013)

Yeah the friends part was just to keep her agreeable. I agree with the other statements this situation is basically a dumpster fire that burned through to the parking lot. 

I am finishing out my work week and leaving her with papers. Giving her 3 days alone to process the situation and if she doesn't sign... asking the lawyer to start the divorce process Monday.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Please remember that actions speak louder than words. She can **** you--really great sex--and say she loves you and wants to stay with you, but as long as she lies about cutting contact and wants an open marriage, it is all about her. Her need for sexual promiscuity is foremost. Her young dude likely wants only a friend with benefits and may even have a partner.

Just because she says she won't sign divorce papers, why do you not have the guts to find out for yourself what is possible? If sex with her is so good, continue after divorce, but get checked for STDs regularly, Just don't expect a normal marriage or her to take care of you in illness or old age. You say you are done, but she is cunning and wily. Prove it.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Sorry you are going through this but divorce is really your only option.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Single best piece of advice. Divorce her. Get a preferential financial settlement, and gtfo. You need this like a hole in the head. GENETIC DIVERSITY? What she wants to **** the United Nations and saddle you with support? Tell her to go have it off with a Clydesdale, then she will have genetic diversity.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

whatsgoingon1 said:


> Yeah the friends part was just to keep her agreeable. I agree with the other statements this situation is basically a dumpster fire that burned through to the parking lot.
> 
> I am finishing out my work week and leaving her with papers. Giving her 3 days alone to process the situation and if she doesn't sign... asking the lawyer to start the divorce process Monday.


Giving her 3 days to ponder it will most likely lead you to coming home to an empty house and anything of value gone. Your only delaying the inevitable. Just have a lawyer draw up the papers and file then give her the papers. If your done your done, 3 days or 3 weeks isn't going to make her more agreeable.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

whatsgoingon1 said:


> Yeah the friends part was just to keep her agreeable. I agree with the other statements this situation is basically a dumpster fire that burned through to the parking lot.
> 
> I am finishing out my work week and leaving her with papers. Giving her 3 days alone to process the situation and if she doesn't sign... asking the lawyer to start the divorce process Monday.


You're not get'n it. What is there to process and what could YOU possibly have to gain by giving her 3 days???

Part of you is still thinking that she will transform into a decent, faithful loving wife ---- STOP THAT!!!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

honcho said:


> Giving her 3 days to ponder it will most likely lead you to coming home to an empty house and anything of value gone. Your only delaying the inevitable. .



This. 


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

whatsgoingon1 said:


> Wife and I had a troubled 7 year marriage. We had multiple points of tragedy with unable to have children, issues with side attention from other men due to low self esteem which would come and go, and fights which would get chaotic and end in no real resolution.
> 
> Eventually we got to a point she no longer had to work and I could support her. This brought about a year+ of peace to our lives as much of the fighting and other stresses seemed to melt away. She ended up starting a few side hobbies such as gaming which aligned with my own interests. She started to get a bit of a side profit started with this hobby and streaming. She eventually wanted to grow the hobby more and became online friends with some other streamers who were successful to talk about it almost like colleagues.
> 
> ...


Genetic diversity for the kids?

Ha!

Dude, you’re WAY overthinking this — just dump the skank and don’t look back.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

She was arguing genetic diversity for HAVING kids. To me it sounds like she was saying she intended to get pregnant by her FWB or any other man that struck her fancy. Just not with her husband.

If you give her time to think, the only change will be that she will investigate how to better hide her cheating from you. She is not sorry, she does not intend to stop, and she does not care what this is doing to you.

Time to walk away and ghost her. No phone calls, no texts, no instagram, no emails. Just tell to funnel all communication through your lawyer.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Whatsgoingon1, stick to the plan and don't let her talk you out of anything. D is hard but the same old same old is harder in the long run.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Whatgoingon, I REALLY hope you've given her the papers and are away for this coming weekend. Keep to your plan.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@whatsgoingon1 "Genetic Diversity."

This is like calling shoplifting "alternative purchasing."


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i am wondering...are these only gaming conventions? Or is it more like a cosplay thing, where people dress up in costumes, etc. 

She may have a very kinky fetish, like dressing up in animal costumes and having sex....furries. Maybe she has a kinky fetish, is afraid to tell you about it because she "knows" you would not be into it, and finds sex partners elsewhere? 

Has she asked anything odd about sex...like "would you ever like to try X during sex?". 

Maybe you can support her fetish, and have her only do it with YOU, instead of random gamers? That is, if you can find a way to forgive her for cheating in the first place


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## whatsgoingon1 (Sep 6, 2013)

Update - I left the note and papers and worked the day and left for the weekend and turned off my phone. I eventually turned it back on for an alarm and found out she was in the ER and tried to kill herself. Some friends of hers came and saved her. I went and visited and confirmed she was ok then left again. 

She is in a ward now and yelled at all her friends and drove them off and is likely stuck there all weekend. She called me from the ward and tried to have me get a lawyer for her to get out early - not happening. She stopped saying I love you and stuff over the phone which is progress. 

I did talk to my lawyer about it and he advised we back off a bit until things are stable again.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Wow what a nightmare, I’m sorry it went down that way. She has serious issues, that’s for sure. How are you feeling?


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## whatsgoingon1 (Sep 6, 2013)

I am a mix right now. I am currently away and she is not getting out of the ward until Monday. 

Her friends have been keeping me in the loop and they have stepped away a bit themselves because she drove them off. They will be bringing her things and checking on her again tomorrow. She is currently in a delusional state thinking she can make everything work by getting out and talking to me.

Her friends recognize things will not work between us and may try to take her in after shes out to try and help her rebuild herself to move on and accept that reality.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

You must stand your guard against being suck-in back in the relationship out of niceness, guilt, KISA. 

Your wife has mental issues; which you will not ever be able to fix, not even herself. Medicine can only control mental illness to a point. 

Most importantly, down the road for you: do not risk by going back with her the possibility of having children with her. You do not want to procreate with an individual that have the mental problems your wife have. Remember, most likely it will only get worse as time progresses .


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Whatsgoingon1, I've seen it before. DO NOT engage with your head-case WW. Let all the talking be done by your lawyer. Rob_1 has it right!


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Sounds as if this is a long term psychotic thing that has bubbled to the surface over the last several months. In any event, not your monkeys, not your circus. The minute she slept with OM, the marriage was done. You gave it a fair shot, tried to reconcile, but as with a lot of men, once that line is crossed, there is no looking back. Fair enough. No amount of her throwing herself at you, while still wanting a FWB arrangement with the other guy, is really delusional. Plus, a manipulative suicide attempt? OK maybe I am judgemental, however sir, has she ever done anything that remotely resembles this? I bet not. Best that you back off however, the ultimate goal is to end this so that you get your life back.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Sounds like you need to read bobert's threads to see where this is headed. Just be thankful there are no kids and that you can walk away.


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## whatsgoingon1 (Sep 6, 2013)

skerzoid said:


> Sounds like you need to read bobert's threads to see where this is headed. Just be thankful there are no kids and that you can walk away.


Do you have a link? Trying to look up threads on this site is new to me.


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## arobk (Mar 17, 2017)

It's in private-members-section so you will have to make enough comments to qualify or ask a mod if you could see it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@whatsgoingon1 you have been married for seven years.

Unfortunately your wife has not been married for seven years.

You have an unequal relationship and she needs to go.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

"She tried to pitch it as a positive in the relationship even to the point of bringing genetic diversity for having kids"

Say wat??? You need diversity of women excluding her!!


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

She has herself deluded and when you brought her back to reality she freaked out. Do not let her suck you back in. Trying to help her through this is not helping her at all, because she will rely on you rather than facing the truth and moving forward with her life. If you allow it, she will latch onto this to manipulate you. I recommend not even speaking to her at all. This may seem counterintuitive and even mean, but it's not. She needs to get it in her head that you are no longer together and she has no right to rely on you for a single thing.


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## whatsgoingon1 (Sep 6, 2013)

arobk said:


> It's in private-members-section so you will have to make enough comments to qualify or ask a mod if you could see it.


What is the gist of what happened to Bobert? I have been curious as I am at a loss currently. I am still away from the situation and my wife's friends are bringing her some things to the ward and checking in on her. 

I want to be done entirely with the situation. 

Overall I think any contact is not good. Logically there are two options here - she is ether really having issues or she is incredibly manipulative - both of which I should not be around her.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

whatsgoingon1 said:


> Overall I think any contact is not good. Logically there are two options here - she is ether really having issues or she is incredibly manipulative - both of which I should not be around her.


 Good conclusion. You are right. Also if she didn't originally do this to manipulate you, she will use it to manipulate you now if she can. From what you have posted about her here, she is highly manipulative. It doesn't do either of you any good for you to allow it, no matter that she has landed herself in the hospital. That's not your fault or your problem. Her problems only become your problems if you let them.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

whatsgoingon1 said:


> What is the gist of what happened to Bobert?


Touchy subject for me. Condensed as much as I can...

I have been with my wife for 15 years, and she has been faithful for about 5 of those years. She had a 4 year affair and had a child from the affair - who I've raised as my child. We have 2 other children as well. She had an on/off sexual affair with a different guy over an almost 9 year period. She has a lot of problems stemming from her childhood that were never dealt with (emotional, physical and sexual abuse, neglect, abandonment). She was struggling with her mental health for years (well, her whole life). I filed for divorce and we were dealing with separation issues. The timing of her attempt was questionable to some. It was NOT a manipulation tactic. For her, things had built up for months (years) and she reached her breaking point. She attempted suicide almost 2 months ago and was hospitalized. She self-harmed in the hospital, various methods. She was determined to be incapacitated due to her mental health, and I'm her POA. She was in a psych ward in a hospital for just over a week, then transferred to a mental health hospital, where she has been for 6 weeks. She will be there for a while. One of the things she is being treated for is psychosis, which could be a one off, connected to one of her diagnosis, or a separate diagnosis tbd. Her desire to leave didn't kick in until about a week ago, but she is also scared to leave and knows she would wind up in a morgue. I am responsible for making decisions for her, because I'm her POA, so I cannot be "entirely done". In addition we have kids who need to see their mom. My wife won't just leave the mental hospital and be good to go. The psychosis alone is a 1 year treatment plan, will be watched for the rest of her life, and family/friend support is just as important as the meds and therapy. When she's ready to leave inpatient, my wife will be doing several months of outpatient treatment, which basically means she goes home for the night and back to the facility during the day. And therapy and meds for the rest of her life. 

Something to be prepared for, worst case scenario. 

You said "either she really is having issues or is manipulative". Honestly, either way she has mental health issues. She could be suicidal, or she could be manipulative, or both, but both are mental health related. Mentally healthy people don't attempt suicide, regardless of the reason. You also said you want to be completely done and go no contact, that may stick but don't be surprised if it doesn't or flips back and forth. I said that too, and now I'm visiting her and doing therapy with her.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

I don't think this has anything to do with the other guy, he is a pawn here. This is about her and her desires. I would venture to gain that the physical harm is another attention getting gesture, I'm not hatin', I'm just ayin'. I think space and time is the best course of action for now. Since there are no children, I think this would be a good time to exit stage left. This is not going to be pretty, but unfortunately I think divorce is the best course of action in the long run. This is no way to live your life, you deserve a faithful, loving wife.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

bobert said:


> You said "either she really is having issues or is manipulative". Honestly, either way she has mental health issues. She could be suicidal, or she could be manipulative, or both, but both are mental health related. Mentally healthy people don't attempt suicide, regardless of the reason. You also said you want to be completely done and go no contact, that may stick but don't be surprised if it doesn't or flips back and forth. I said that too, and now I'm visiting her and doing therapy with her.


This is very true. Same for self-harm. If she is willing to hurt herself to get what she wants, that shows there is something mentally wrong with her. People don't cut or do other things to themselves if they are emotionally and mentally healthy.

Edit to add: @whatsgoingon1 has no children with this woman. There is no personal responsibility for him to be involved in her life. As a matter of fact, I would go so far as to say that it would be personally irresponsible for him to continue to be involved in her life, because it is bringing him personal harm. She deserted the marriage. She cannot expect to receive the benefits of that which she deserted.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Whatsgoingon1, she cheated and you don't owe her a thing. She has a problem? Tell her to take her TS card to the chaplain and have it punched!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

CynthiaDe said:


> This is very true. Same for self-harm. If she is willing to hurt herself to get what she wants, that shows there is something mentally wrong with her. People don't cut or do other things to themselves if they are emotionally and mentally healthy.
> 
> Edit to add: @whatsgoingon1 has no children with this woman. There is no personal responsibility for him to be involved in her life. As a matter of fact, I would go so far as to say that it would be personally irresponsible for him to continue to be involved in her life, because it is bringing him personal harm. She deserted the marriage. She cannot expect to receive the benefits of that which she deserted.


Completely agree.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Are her parents involved? Where are they?

If possible, I would contact her boyfriend and inform him of what he is involved with too. Does he even know she s married? Him backing out of the situation may help her see reality. 

Does she have anywhere to go besides your home? Can your lawyer keep her away from you?


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Let's be very clear and to the point. If you are still with her and not filing for divorce, then you are not tired of it. When you get tired of it for real, you will take action and end it.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

hats, personofinterest has it right. When you're finally tired of it, you'll file.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

whatsgoingon1 said:


> What is the gist of what happened to Bobert? I have been curious as I am at a loss currently. I am still away from the situation and my wife's friends are bringing her some things to the ward and checking in on her.
> 
> I want to be done entirely with the situation.
> 
> Overall I think any contact is not good. Logically there are two options here - she is ether really having issues or she is incredibly manipulative - both of which I should not be around her.


100% correct.

Whether she’s got legitimate issues or is just manipulative, who cares? She’s terrible either way.

Cut her loose and move on.


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## whatsgoingon1 (Sep 6, 2013)

Update - She got out of the ward and some friends are staying with her at the house. I am up at my parents trying to get through the work week remotely. Her friends are actually helping me working with her to accept moving on and being over the marriage. At some point I am going to go down and talk to her again and try and get her to sign, if not have my lawyer file. My lawyer is against pushing anything right now filing wise due to her mental condition.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

whatsgoingon1 said:


> Update - She got out of the ward and some friends are staying with her at the house. I am up at my parents trying to get through the work week remotely. Her friends are actually helping me working with her to accept moving on and being over the marriage. At some point I am going to go down and talk to her again and try and get her to sign, if not have my lawyer file. My lawyer is against pushing anything right now filing wise due to her mental condition.


Does her mental condition have a legal impact on the divorce? What are your attorney's criteria for it being the right time to file?


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## dreamer2017 (Nov 7, 2017)

I agree with Cynthia. Please check with your attorney before doing anything.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

What about your mental health?

I don’t like your lawyer.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I have doubts about the lawyer also.

With no kids, you should be running, not walking, away.


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## arobk (Mar 17, 2017)

A quick search shows that in some states the mental health of a spouse can be a factor in determining support. Wgo1's lawyer may want to wait for her to stabilize a bit before figuring out what the support will be. That might save Wgo1 some money in the long run.


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## whatsgoingon1 (Sep 6, 2013)

Working from my parents and being alone. Talked to my lawyer and signing papers Friday to get things moving. Will stop by and talk to her about it moving forward that night. She keeps texting me she loves me and stuff and asking about home duties while I am gone - I am just keeping any replies about whats needed.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

whatsgoingon1 said:


> Working from my parents and being alone. Talked to my lawyer and signing papers Friday to get things moving. Will stop by and talk to her about it moving forward that night. She keeps texting me she loves me and stuff and asking about home duties while I am gone - I am just keeping any replies about whats needed.


Tell her you love her enough to give her freedom to do what ever she wants with her FWB, unencumbered by the burden of marriage vows. AKA - divorce.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

whatsgoingon1 said:


> Working from my parents and being alone. Talked to my lawyer and signing papers Friday to get things moving. Will stop by and talk to her about it moving forward that night. She keeps texting me she loves me and stuff and asking about home duties while I am gone - I am just keeping any replies about whats needed.


What? Are you instructing her on how to load the dishwasher? What could she possibly need from you right now?


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

WGO1
She is very sick. She has attempted to manipulate you through a suicide attempt. Guaranteed, she knew full well that she would not succeed. I suggest that your best course of action will be to reiterate your reasons for wanting a divorce. State specifically that you consider her having sex with someone other than you to be the absolute marriage ender. Please reiterate this point over and over, I have told clients, that if she is acting as if she does not get it, you will have to escalate verbally. (In one case, she did not want to acknowledge that she had intercourse with a coworker, and I instructed him to escalate verbally. I also told him to call her out in front of witnesses. She agreed to the divorce after he called her a ***** in front of her mother, only to discover her parents had no idea why he wanted a divorce. Her mother made her agree to the divorce) I do not agree with treating her with kid gloves. Sorry, I see this as manipulation (YOU CANT divorce me otherwise I will kill myself and saddle you with guilt-My ex BIL got this from my wife's certifiable sister. He looked her dead in the eye and asked, "Can I watch???", she of course soiled herself ATM)


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

CynthiaDe said:


> What? Are you instructing her on how to load the dishwasher? What could she possibly need from you right now?


She only needs some attention from him and he's still taking some bait and answering. My crazy ex did some of the same, she'd text me a seemingly innocent enough question about making dinner or ingredients for a recipe(I did most of the cooking while married) the first time or two ya answer not thinking about it and then you start realizing it's not about cooking or other household tasks, it's just keeping some form of contact going.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

whatsgoingon1 said:


> Working from my parents and being alone. Talked to my lawyer and signing papers Friday to get things moving. Will stop by and talk to her about it moving forward that night. She keeps texting me she loves me and stuff and asking about home duties while I am gone - I am just keeping any replies about whats needed.


No going by and no more answering calls. No text replies other than “You’re going to have to figure it out on your own. Ask Google if you can’t.”


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I will second the suggestion you not go by there. I think it’s wise to keep plenty of distance between you. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

No wonder she's so upset if she's calling you over household chores. Do not answer her anymore. It's only prolonging the pain and making it worse. If she's that helpless, she needs to grow the heck up. By answering her, you are continuing to enable her dysfunction.

This is manipulation pure and simple. Block her number. If she needs something, she can call your attorney.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

honcho said:


> She only needs some attention from him and he's still taking some bait and answering. My crazy ex did some of the same, she'd text me a seemingly innocent enough question about making dinner or ingredients for a recipe(I did most of the cooking while married) the first time or two ya answer not thinking about it and then you start realizing it's not about cooking or other household tasks, it's just keeping some form of contact going.


This.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Talking to her will accomplish nothing. Go dark. Let the lawyer handle all communications.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

whatsgoingon1 said:


> ... and found out she was in the ER and tried to kill herself. Some friends of hers came and saved her.


Well gosh and golly gee, what were the CHANCES her friends would find her in her final hour and manage to SAVE her? Why, it must be Kismet! Pardon me while I roll my eyes up so far I can see the bottom of my brain. 

Come on, OP. We all know if someone really and truly intends to commit suicide, they make sure they do it right and they also insure that they won't be interrupted. She pulled this crap knowing full well her friends were due over there and that they'd find her. What a phony. 

I dealt with a lunatic who did this same thing several times after I left him, each time for MY benefit, of course. During his 3rd "attempt" (car running inside the garage with the garage door closed as he sat in it, etc. etc.) I opened the garage door and told him I was calling 911 and letting THEM deal with his histrionics and he'd have a nice enjoyable 72-hour stay in a nice, padded room for his trouble. _Amazingly_, he suddenly wanted to LIVE, I tell you! 

So, he stopped the phony 'suicide' attempts and started faking cancer a few months later. I kid you *not*.

I wonder what the OP's wife's _next _little ploy will be? A terminal disease? Death in the family? A fake miscarriage? A fake pregnancy? I'm sure it will be something along those lines.

Sorry if it sounds harsh but I ain't buying the phony suicide attempt ONE bit.


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## whatsgoingon1 (Sep 6, 2013)

I dont buy it ether. I filed and am still away from her. I told her I filed, and every day has been texts going over how we can save everything etc etc. 

I feel sort of released and calm at this point.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Right now you need a real hard no contact policy. You'll be amazed how how much good that will do you


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Congratulations on filing and getting out of the Hell she forced on you.



My advice....
1). stop ALL contact with her. No phone calls, no texting, don’t even go to the door when she shows up at you door with her makeup destroyed from all the tears!


2). get ahead of the approaching emotional rollercoaster by seeing a counselor 


3). Make an appointment to see a doctor and get tested for every known STD.


You are doing well. Keep it up and stay strong


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Well gosh and golly gee, what were the CHANCES her friends would find her in her final hour and manage to SAVE her? Why, it must be Kismet! Pardon me while I roll my eyes up so far I can see the bottom of my brain.
> 
> Come on, OP. We all know if someone really and truly intends to commit suicide, they make sure they do it right and they also insure that they won't be interrupted. She pulled this crap knowing full well her friends were due over there and that they'd find her. What a phony.
> 
> ...


Actually, it would not be the first time when a person who is seriously trying to commit suicide changes their mind at the last minute and calls for help.

However, genuine attempt or a fake attempt it does not really matter. Why? Because she has fired him from his roll as her spouse. What she does now is not his responsibility.

She is the problem of someone else. Not him.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

whatsgoingon1 said:


> I dont buy it ether. I filed and am still away from her. I told her I filed, and every day has been texts going over how we can save everything etc etc.
> 
> I feel sort of released and calm at this point.


:allhail:


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