# 7th Level of Hell: OW keeps contacting H



## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

OK, 33 months after Dday, OW STILL contacts FWH by text, phone call and email perhaps every 8-12 weeks. He wrote her a NC letter a year ago after not taking action for a year and half. While I had been very vigilant up until recently, I had slacked off thinking she finally had moved on.

Today, just for the hell of it, I checked his email and this is what I read: 
"Hello
Wow...what a year this has been. Many changes, losses, and growth. Hope you are doing well...I think of you often...My wish for you is that you are happy with the choices you made. I don't think you will ever understand the emotional damage you caused by engaging in an affair with me for over 6 years. (My family and yours). You can suppress all you want, but you can never forget. You CAUSED much heartache and destruction and acted like it was nothing...for whatever reason I do not know. 
I..."

The email broke off as if she was interrupted or hit the send button by mistake. It was written at 2:59AM

WTF?

I copied the message for my records and deleted it from his email as he has asked me to do if ever I were to intercept one of her emails, texts or calls.

A little backstory: they kept up intermittent contact by phone for 1and 1/2 years after Dday, mostly initiated by her and mostly intercepted by me...I never set firm boundaries until a year ago when I threatened to divorce...too much fear and fighting for marriage, etc. I have access to his email and phone and check phone bills every month. In a NC letter to her and a separate letter to her husband, a former friend, H took responsibility and apologized more to them, for the destruction and pain he caused than he did to me, in my opinion. Whatever.
We have kept this affair secret from our children, family and friends and I was told by her husband they did the same. He has also said they never talk about her affair, have not had counseling, have not read any written advice (books, internet, etc.) She has an alcohol problem, was bulimic as a teen and has poor self esteem according to her husband. 
We considered at one time meeting together with her and her husband to give closure, correct her assumptions about our marriage, reaffirm our love for each other and desire to rebuild our marriage in person(She has indicated previously that she believes I forced him to write NC letter) etc but decided even negative attention was giving her too much.
We don't want to enact a restraining order on her as we live in a very small town and everyone would eventually know. We discussed changing email and phone # but they are his business contacts and she could easily find out new ones since we have many mutual friends. 
My husband is remorseful and feels like s**t but has been generally unwilling to continue discussing the affair after nearly 3 years. I am fed up with it too, just wanting to move on but every couple of months she keeps intruding in our attempts of rebuilding and I go off triggering for weeks afterward...this is like the 7th level of Hell for me. 
Should I personally email her? Send her a book on infidelity anonymously, talk to her husband, who has remained friendly with me? Share with husband? Yes I know he WAS a sorry POS but he has been trying so hard to make it up to me and knows the hurt he caused me will never disappear. 
I think she is guilt ridden for her betrayal and pain inflicted on her husband and me, she has never taken responsibility for her part nor has she ever apologized to me. She is obviously blameshifting, feeling the rugsweeping consequences and may have serious mental issues: bipolar, depression, and/or alcoholism, etc. 

I felt compassion for her for the first time today reading this pathetic email. 

Any advice? What can we possibly do to stop this craziness and be left alone to heal?


----------



## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I'd keep ignoring it, anything other than that will give her want she wants, attention. Why is she not blocked?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I would contact her husband and send him a copy of the email with the date and time stamp. He deserves to know that she is still fishing. Perhaps it will wake him up enough to take firm action and finally put an end to it.

Also, can you arrange her emails to be routed to his deleted box or block them all together?


----------



## JustRon (Feb 16, 2014)

workindad said:


> Also, can you arrange her emails to be routed to his deleted box or block them all together?


Yes auto delete rules can be set up on e-mail clients. I have several set up in Lotus Notes. In GMail the option to "filter messages like this" lets you specify the deletion of any inbound message from that account.

Further you can specify to block phone calls from specific numbers, usually on the My Account management tools on line with your service provider.


----------



## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

Keep ignoring her unless she shows up at your house I would pay her no attention.


----------



## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Ignore her but send it to her husband if you care do do anything.

Your husband did the right thing by giving you access and telling you to delete. 

If the affair went on for six years, it was a pretty big loss to her and she is having a hard time. But......, she knew he was married.........sigh.......


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

She will keep doing this till she has reason not to. Since her husband knows of the affair and is still married to her, inform him. Your are trying to reconcile yourself and being triggered like this now and then sets you back. It keeps you stuck so to speak being a watchdog. Since your husband doesn’t know of the emails he is in the dark you are still defending against her triggering you. 

Sooner or later one email will slip thru, its bound to happen. From what she wrote and you posted, she is blameshifting, never been held accountable for her actions and is trying to guilt your husband. Her life is not your problem, her trying to enter your life again is. Inform the husband and ask him to please have it stop. If it doesn’t then have an attorney write a letter “asking” her to cease this action. If that doesn’t do it, then file formal complaint. 

You would have given them at least two chances to handle it quietly without the small town gossip. Its more than she deserved. The third alternative….well you gave two already….


----------



## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

I'm sorry you are here but to be honest both couples in a way are rug sweeping, you both don't want to rock the boat and you both are acting as though this whole affair is too taboo like your afraid to talk about it or address it. In all fairness until you really deal wit it this will continue to happen, the other red flag is that they kep talking two years after the affair. That is a really big red flag.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Small town life requires a stiff upper lip if you want to stay where you have roots. You can't go through life without having to deal with the various nutcases in your town. Eventually she will have a mental breakdown. If you feel like she is dangerous, you really do need to let the police know that she has an obsession with your H and seems vengeful against him. I concur with having an attorney write a letter. You can have it delivered by a private service and signed for. Send a separate copy to her husband at his place of work, so that he also receives the same information, along with the supporting documents. You don't need to explain or justify your request that she stop stalking and harassing your H and yourself. But honestly, you can be sure that she's badmouthing you behind your back and trying to damage your life in some way. Refer back to first sentence regarding stiff upper lip. After a while, people know who's nuts and whether to believe them. And after a longer while, these people realize what a complete a** they've made of themselves all along. That's just life. It's more common than you think. Especially in small towns. I wouldn't go head to head with a nutjob like this, but I also would not make the mistake of dismissing her either. You should read up on the various levels of stalking, to find out your risk category. When people realize they've mad an a** of themselves, depending on the damage they've inflicted on their own reputation, they can decide to 'go for broke' with regard to violence...if they can't win what they want, they'll destroy it all. So you should definitely keep monitoring the situation and also think about surveillance system for your house, and can make police aware there is a threat, even if you don't want to name it...you can decide later.


----------



## theorydo (Mar 17, 2014)

I'd keep ignoring it, anything other than that will give her want she wants


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Your husband needs to block every avenue of contact with her. If that means blocking her numbers and her email, fine. If that means he gets a new phone number and a new email address - both with her blocked from day one - then that's what needs to happen. It doesn't matter that it would be inconvenient to change his business contacts. Haven't his affair and it's fall-out caused you some hardship and inconvenience as well? She should have no way of getting in touch with him without actually going to see him in person. And if that happens then you've got larger, more worrisome, issues. Honestly, I can't believe after such a long-term affair, all avenues of contact weren't eliminated years ago. :scratchhead:

In addition, forward her email(s) to her husband. Then have your attorney draft a letter telling her to stop harassing you, your husband and your family.

ETA: I get the small town thing, but you need to do what is best for yourself and your family. I think you need to stay away from her husband, even if you are on friendly terms. Having him in your life is a constant reminder of her. You need to get her, and all reminders of her, out of your life as much as possible. And I don't care if your husband doesn't want to talk about this anymore. It's his fault you are still dealing with this. And the fact that he didn't block her immediately after D-Day, and still hasn't even after nearly 3 years, says some rather unsavory things about his real level of remorse and willingness to do what it takes to fully reconcile with you for the long haul.


----------



## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

Thanks for advice....will check out blocking strategies. We kept this secret for one reason: to protect our children.if we were to be successfully reconciled, I did not want them to lose respect for or despise their father. Yes six years is a long time and I am sure she was honestly in love with my H and I accept that he told her the same but when all was disclosed he pretty much threw her under the bus as far as emotions are concerned. For him, love is hard to define..lol. I think his responding to her past contact was due to difficulty he may have had to cut her out of his own life after 6 years and the guilt he felt due to his past feelings for her. This I accept..6 years of deception is a hard habit to shuck. In the meantime we made incredible progress in reestablishing our bonds, love and marriage while she knows only what he told her to justify the cheating.
H has known of all contact she has initiated that I intercepted except this last one...I am waiting to see if she sends more and yes, I plan to tell her husband who excuses her by saying she was drunk at the time she writes this crap...major rugsweeping on their part for which I blame a lot of her craziness on...and oh yes, she knows I have access to H's emails, so I think she says things to hurt me as much as him.


----------



## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

allwillbewell said:


> OK, 33 months after Dday, OW STILL contacts FWH by text, phone call and email perhaps every 8-12 weeks. He wrote her a NC letter a year ago after not taking action for a year and half. While I had been very vigilant up until recently, I had slacked off thinking she finally had moved on.
> 
> Today, just for the hell of it, I checked his email and this is what I read:
> "Hello
> ...


Change phone number, and get a new email address or put a 'rule' on the email address to auto delete anything from her address. She's not your problem, obviously she hasn't owned her actions and she's blaming your H for her choices. Don't contact her, just ignore her and shut down her access to you and your H.

Yes, let her husband know she's still putting feelers out trying to get your H to bite.. I bet he's not aware his wife is emailing and calling her affair partner.


----------



## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Don't like to give her attention but final email to her from your H only.
"*Stop trying to destroy the nest of our precious innocent children. Now blocking you as a sender on our email and phone so we won't even see any message you send us from now on. You are wasting your time. Goodbye"*

Reason I say from *your H only *is that because he kept up contact with her for 1.5 years and you had to threaten him with D which she is probably aware of. She still thinks she has a chance of getting him back. 

She is also as angry with him for not leaving you to the same extent that you are angry with him for having the A for so long and for being so slow to stop contact with her. 

Why haven't you blocked her before?
Block her. 

I understand, small town so not much else you can do.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

allwillbewell said:


> Any advice? What can we possibly do to stop this craziness and be left alone to heal?


HE can block her from being able to contact him. Worst case scenario: restraining order.

And damn, a 6-year long affair is a LONG time. That is not your run-of-the-mill affair.


----------



## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

russell28 said:


> Change phone number, and get a new email address or put a 'rule' on the email address to auto delete anything from her address. She's not your problem, obviously she hasn't owned her actions and she's blaming your H for her choices. Don't contact her, just ignore her and shut down her access to you and your H.
> 
> Yes, let her husband know she's still putting feelers out trying to get your H to bite.. I bet he's not aware his wife is emailing and calling her affair partner.


I am unsure why more people don't block access by setting your phone, email, facebook to those settings.

I blocked the OM on both of our facebook accounts, she changed her cell phone #, and all her emails get forwarded to my email account.
Is it a perfect solution---no but if I find his # on her phone or the records I will know she had to give it to him because of the new # that would be the only way he could get it.

I am sure you can automatically have any emails forwarded to her husbands email but I would definitely block as much as possible. Any access is a temptation remorse or not and it sounds like she is working the sympathetic angle hard to get him to respond.

Personally I would have him get a new cell # and change his email address might be a pain getting the new info out to those who really need it but at least it cuts her access to contact him down.


----------



## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

Yea, 6 years is a looong time, still trying to get my head around that knowledge and accept that my H was a cake-eating lying deceiver using me the whole time, until he realized he could lose his happy home, children's love, and reputation if I outed him. 

Still trying to accept how naïve, in denial I was during those years...complacency trying to keep the status quo...all hindsight. Too difficult to explain why I stayed altho I posted a thread on the subject somewhere way back when. I have spent the last 3 years trying to get him to discern his motivations and explain the longevity of their affair and it simply comes down to that he found the typical excuses to justify the start of the A and cake-ate for 6 years because he could get away with it due to my complete trust or complacency. He truly believed what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me and never thought about the consequences when inevitably the s**t hit the fan. 

While he has admitted he loved her in someway, he categorically denies THEY ever thought beyond the single present moment...no plans to ride off into the sunset together. Just cake eat for the rest of their lives, I guess...and he too cowardly to call it quits knowing she would out him to me and end up with the same result. 

It has been a nightmare for me the last three years(OW was right about that) but I have made my decision to stay and the only thing that would screw that up is if I found evidence he began to stray again...including ANY contact with her he does not share with me immediately. Boom! I would be OUT and he knows it.

This is the tight-rope all BS walk when attempting to R: constant vigilance because of fear, loss of trust and trying to find or recreate those loving feelings of trust, vulnerability and respect for the FWS. Hard enough to accomplish in the best of situations post-A but near impossible when AP keeps inserting herself into our marriage.

I will eventually share this email with my H after I share with OW's H and gauge his reaction. 
Unfortunately, being not too savvy about computers, I don't know how to block her emails on our server without an address(I deleted her email and she is not in contact list). I could call the tech people but being a city-owned service, they know us personally. I guess I have to wait till she emails again...sigh
I have also been told by our cell carrier that they cannot put a block on one phone number(?!) but will try again by exploring more on their website.

Wished I had found TAM immediately after Dday, a lot of things would have gone down differently. Thanks to all


----------



## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

i would replace all phone numbers/email she has and make him deal with the hassle of getting his new info out to his contacts. this should not be your problem.
six years. wow.


----------



## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

The more I read this, the angrier I become at thus OW and your husband. 

Can this be harassment? Can some sort of restraining order/stalking thing be obtained? This is total emotional abuse on top of everything else you have had to endure.


----------



## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

I just want you to know that I appreciate your willingness to stay with your husband and work through this process. It seems that your reaction to her attempts at contacting him reveal that there may be unfinished work between the two of you (you & your husband). Counseling would be a great place to start. I also know of two books very helpful in getting through the healing necessary after an affair: Torn Asunder: Recovering from an Extramarital Affair by Dave Carder and Duncan Jaenicke, and Unfaithful: Hope and Healing After Infidelity by Gary and Mona Shriver.

I do work for a Marriage & Family Non-Profit Ministry and can make further recommendations if you ask in a private message. In the end, you know that you cannot control the decisions of other people. Personally, I wouldn't take any action until I conferred with a trusted third party: counselor, Pastor, or marriage mediator. Hang in there, the effort is well worth it. Blessings!


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

WolverineFan said:


> I just want you to know that I appreciate your willingness to stay with your husband and work through this process. It seems that your reaction to her attempts at contacting him reveal that there may be unfinished work between the two of you (you & your husband). Counseling would be a great place to start. I also know of two books very helpful in getting through the healing necessary after an affair: Torn Asunder: Recovering from an Extramarital Affair by Dave Carder and Duncan Jaenicke, and Unfaithful: Hope and Healing After Infidelity by Gary and Mona Shriver.
> 
> I do work for a Marriage & Family Non-Profit Ministry and can make further recommendations if you ask in a private message. In the end, you know that you cannot control the decisions of other people. Personally, I wouldn't take any action until I conferred with a trusted third party: counselor, Pastor, or marriage mediator. Hang in there, the effort is well worth it. Blessings!


My wife was told to get Torn Asunder. I would not recommend this book. It was a "highly recommended" book. The book basically opens with asking the spouse (the BS) to "own" what they did to cause the adultery. Personally, this is good book if you want to add insult to injury and I was disappointed that I spent money to be insulted.

I am a Christian. My wife finally repented and came clean in April 2013. She owns her cheating 100%. I did nothing to cause her to cheat. Torn Asunder would have me think otherwise and that is bull.

Good books or sites:
More Than Just Friends - Shirley Glass
Pegy Vaughan - has good insights, sad to know that she died some years ago, but her wed site is still up and I think it is good stuff.
Focus on the Family: Has some good articles from a conservative Christian perspective. And I got great free counseling from them over the phone. The counselor got it and nailed my wife to a T.

Unfaithful: Hope and Healing After Infidelity. By: Gary Shriver, Mona Shriver


----------



## Redpill (Mar 20, 2014)

She's delusional. Reading the few lines of that email you can infer she's mentally unstable. Refuses to take any responsibility. It's all your husbands fault - she had zero to do with it. What about the heartache she caused her husband? or you? 

I don't even think it would be worth engaging her in any kind of dialogue. She has no grasp of reality. 

Just continue to ignore her would be my advice.


----------

