# When will we be intimate again? (if ever..)



## Deb1234 (May 31, 2009)

Does anyone know if there is a "typical" amount of time before a person can be intimate again with their cheating spouse?

I've decided that I still love him and I'm not leaving and he's promised to do whatever it takes to earn my trust again, but everytime I even think about touching him, all I can think of is him with all his other women. All of his cheating was online, nothing physical (I think) thank goodness (well, except for the part where he would masturbate), but still...

This went on over a period of 3 years and he's already told me that there were many times during that period that he was thinking of them when he was with me. I can't stand that! And then all I can think of is all the things he told these women he wanted to do to them and that there are probably videos of him doing all this floating around in cyberspace...aaaarrrrrggghh!


I'm getting myself all angry again...


So anyways, will all this fade away in a month? Two? Any ideas?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Deb1234 said:


> So anyways, will all this fade away in a month? Two? Any ideas?


You make it sound like their is someone holding you back. That person is you.


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## Deb1234 (May 31, 2009)

Yes, absolutely, I am holding myself back. I can't stand the thought of touching him after he's been deceiving me and sharing things with so many other women that should only have been for me. This is not what I pictured marriage to be, expecially after 13 years. And how do I know that he won't still be picturing those other women when he's with me?

I'm assuming these are normal feelings and not just a me thing.

Has anyone else (besides MarkTwain) with the same problems here just jumped right back in the sack without any issues with it?


Sorry if this post sounds a little angry...I'm not trying to take it out on anyone, but that last post sounds like something my husband would say...


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Deb1234 said:


> Sorry if this post sounds a little angry...I'm not trying to take it out on anyone, but that last post sounds like something my husband would say...


I did not mean to cause offence.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

MT's post was exactly right, Deb. 

While I'm not in your situation, I was hurt badly recently. I finally realized (yesterday morning, in fact) that the heartache & bitterness are gone. It'd been a month and a half. That relationship is over, dead. I may/not forgive, but I'll never forget. Neither will you. 

It will take time for you to get better. Once he has earned your trust back...and that'll take time, too, you may begin to feel the intimacy again. 

I can't say how long...it's up to you to heal, trust, and feel the love again.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

My case was an EA, so I don't have the physical thing in my head, but it was very difficult for me to get back in the game. Please allow me to suggest this...F#@! him. (I mean that emotionally.) Get into bed for yourself. And do it more often than you have before. Don't think about HIM, think about yourself. You're a person too. The more confident you feel about yourself (and clearly he likes sex too) then the more comfortable you'll be. Sounds strange. Trust me, I never would have thought this way before. But the physical part of a marriage is important to both sides. Don't cheat yourself. Make it for you. Don't use your sex as a weapon - use it as a tool for peace - yours and his. My God. Did I actually write this?


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## in_need_of_help (Jun 27, 2009)

I have wondered about that too. But the last post makes since..i just hope I have the nerve to do it.


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## heartysoul (May 21, 2009)

Actually, for how strange it sounds, once I found out about his affair sex got a lot better. I have always been the one who wanted more intimacy and once he finally was truthful about the EA he was able to focus on me. I also realized I had nothing to lose so I might as well get some personal satisfaction. 

Intimacy is extremely important in a relationship and I think being able to feel those feelings has definitely helped in our communication. Without the lies and secrets, we're able to open up honestly about everything and somehow that makes the intimacy better. Of course, I do have a sense of foolishness and wonder if it's a good idea or bad idea to be so intimate so soon after the affair. But for me, it's working. I think everyone is different.


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## Merced (Sep 14, 2008)

Everything I have read seems to say the same thing... it's important to try and regain intimacy asap after an affair... 

it's not easy, and you'll be fighting alot of negative feelings most likely, but I think the idea is that over time, those negative feelings subside, and the positive feelings become stronger for your spouse again.. not to mention, all the other benefits of being intimate that will hopefully help other aspects of your relationship as well.


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