# Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions....



## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

I don't know if this is the right place or not to seek advice for this issue but I am going to give it a try and hopefully you guys can help me out. My younger brother is 23 and has been dating his girlfriend for five years and I like the girl and she hasn't done anything wrong per say. But he was recently diagnosed with a brain tumor and is going to be starting Chemo here on Friday. Well he has asked his girlfriend to marry him and he is understandably very scared right now and they have him on antidepressants and some anxiety meds. They only recently moved in togeather and got an apartment on their own and she is also seven and a half months pregnant with a baby boy, so I guess in a way they are already married. But now he wants her to marry him very soon and I feel like he wants to marry her out of fear rather than love and not sure this is the proper way to go about things. He would also be handing over all of his life and death choices to a 22-year-old if things god forbid take a turn for the worst and I am worried it will overwhelm her or she will be indecisive and unable to chose out of fear. He has also been pushing my parents away very strongly since he found out about this and says it is because he is embarrassed and doesn't want people to see him like this. I just don't want him making a mistake and doing something because he is afraid but I also don't want to say anything that might cost me my relationship with my brother. My brother and I have always had a very strong relationship and I don't want to ruin it.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Wow, that's hard. So sorry for your brother's cancer, OP.

As concerned as you are, the only thing you can really do is respectfully share those concerns with him and then just respect whatever decision he makes, however much you disagree with it. He is an adult, after all, even if a young one.

How about approaching his gf and offering to be of help in any way you can? I bet she would appreciate the support, especially with a baby on the way and the responsibility of caring for him, too.

Have your parents done anything to hurt him? If so, urge them to apologize. He and his gf and their baby could no doubt use their help, too. 

Again, so sorry to hear he is going through this. Very best wishes for his restored health.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Justaverage said:


> I don't know if this is the right place or not to seek advice for this issue but I am going to give it a try and hopefully you guys can help me out. My younger brother is 23 and has been dating his girlfriend for five years and I like the girl and she hasn't done anything wrong per say. But he was recently diagnosed with a brain tumor and is going to be starting Chemo here on Friday. Well he has asked his girlfriend to marry him and he is understandably very scared right now and they have him on antidepressants and some anxiety meds. They only recently moved in togeather and got an apartment on their own and she is also seven and a half months pregnant with a baby boy, *so I guess in a way they are already married.* But now he wants her to marry him very soon and I feel like he wants to marry her out of fear rather than love and not sure this is the proper way to go about things. He would also be handing over all of his life and death choices to a 22-year-old if things god forbid take a turn for the worst and I am worried it will overwhelm her or she will be indecisive and unable to chose out of fear. He has also been pushing my parents away very strongly since he found out about this and says it is because he is embarrassed and doesn't want people to see him like this. I just don't want him making a mistake and doing something because he is afraid but I also don't want to say anything that might cost me my relationship with my brother. My brother and I have always had a very strong relationship and I don't want to ruin it.


Yes. They are. Aren't they?

So, you'd rather their baby be born out of wedlock, not carry your brother's name?

Under the circumstances his wanting to marry his fiance is very understandable. And, arguably, the correct one in many respects.

What other course of action would you have him follow?


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## camerashy (May 29, 2016)

Oh, OP I am sending every positive vibe I can muster up to you and your family at this time. 

I can definitely understand your concerns. In your brother and his gf getting married, it effectively makes his wife next of kin and (god forbid) anything happens, your brother's life could be in the hands of a 22 year old woman. Who may or may not be mature enough to handle making the decisions that might need to be made. (Now touch wood...)

I definitely get it. 

That being said... I think that you should let them do it. If this is something that both your brother and his partner really, really want to do (whether out of fear or not)...then let them do it. If it would give your brother even the tiniest peace of mind or the fight he needs to kick cancer's ass...then just let them do it. If this woman is prepared to stick this out with him and care for him... then what is the worst that could happen? Your brother could have a bigger, more loving family unit beside him.

I just think that the positive in this situation outweighs the negative. Talk to them about it if that will ease your mind, but let them make this decision - and support them no matter the outcome.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Methinks, you don't particularly like "the girl" (btw, after the age of 18 females are women) and you are now creating problems where they don't probably don't exist and, most importantly, it does not seem as if you are offering solutions.... which IMO is the only valid way that you complain about other people's business.

Should your brother become long term incapacitated, have you figured out who will support him financially AND support him on a day to day basis. Will that be you in both cases? What do your parents think of the options that he has? 

Your brother can get a "living will" which will determine when he wants the machines turned off. After that, I say keep your nose out of it.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

Hi, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.

I know this is going to seem harsh but you mentioned you think he's doing this out of fear rather than love, so he's been with the girl five years and is about to become a father and you don't think he has feelings for her, I'm sure that's not the case, he probably loves her more than you will ever know.

I think it's the right thing to do, she's the mother of his child, the person he shares his life with and the closest person to him whether you like it or not.

I wouldn't go on about the fact she's 23, a lot of people at that age can deal with any circumstances they are dealt with when they need to.

Try and be a bit more understanding of your brother and what he wants, if you go questioning his partners maturity to be responsible you will cause problems with your brother at the time he needs you most.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I find it really interesting that no one expresses fear that a 22 year old woman won't be able to care for, be responsible for, and make life-altering decisions for, an utterly helpless newborn infant. But when we talk about her potentially doing those same things for a grown man who can help her and guide her by expressing his own wishes, suddenly she's incompetent? Fascinating.

OP, maybe your brother's fiancee isn't up to the challenges ahead. That's more a product of her personality, though, than of her age. So, if your concern is that she's a flighty, none-too-bright, obviously immature, ditherer, with a history of flaking out, then your concerns might be valid. If so, you might wish to address those concerns with your brother. If, however, you concern is that somehow their ages make them incapable of dealing with adult situations, then I think you may just be mistaken. Despite our modern concept of near-perpetual childhood, where many aren't considered to be "really" functional adults until they're 30, for most of human history - and even legally today - a 23 year old man and his 22 year old fiancée have been more than capable of making adult decisions for some years already. Because they were, and are, adults.

My suggestion would be that you offer any help and support you can. Then close your mouth, open your mind and heart, and help your seriously ill brother celebrate a marriage that may (depending on his prognosis) be one of the few bright spots of his life for the foreseeable future as he battles his illness. And resist with all your might your own, and likely your parents', temptation to reduce your brother from his status as an independent adult to a child who needs minding and managing "for his own good". There will be very few surer ways to drive him away than by treating him as a child when he wishes to feel like a man.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I actually think your brother is doing the right thing, but you are certainly right to have concerns. If your relationship with your brother is strong, voicing those concerns to him will not kill your relationship. I agree that 22 is young, but since she's having a child with your brother, she should have a say in his life decisions. Having the child out of wedlock is not the answer.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

NextTimeAround said:


> Methinks, you don't particularly like "the girl" (btw, after the age of 18 females are women) and you are now creating problems where they don't probably don't exist and, most importantly, it does not seem as if you are offering solutions.... which IMO is the only valid way that you complain about other people's business.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Wow. The OP's brother has cancer and you want to make a political statement about girl vs woman?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

blueinbr said:


> Wow. The OP's brother has cancer and you want to make a political statement about girl vs woman?


yeah, I do. The OP has made an issue out of age herself. Calling an adult a girl or boy is a way to reinforce the accusation of incompetence.

Now, do you have anything else to add?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

One of my daughters is of the same age as your brother's girlfriend. My daughter is trustee of my estate, which makes her responsible for decisions regarding all kinds of financial issues regarding her siblings. She is also the one to make medical decisions for me. Additionally, she is part of the committee who would be empowered to have me declared incompetent.

I'm in my mid 50's and hope to live healthfully for another half century. But if I were to become incapacitated or to die today, I trust my daughter completely.

Your brother has the right to judge his girlfriend as qualified to make those decisions for him. He can, and should, write out some medical directives regarding all aspects of his medical care. What if he is temporarily unconscious, who can make decisions, and what are his general wishes? What about the case of severe permanent disabilities? What about a "Do Not Resuscitate" order? He really needs to discuss these issues with his doctor and his girlfriend. He should consult with a qualified attorney to be sure he executes documents which meet your local laws as well as are acceptable to local hospitals and docs. For example, in my state a regular Power of Attorney is not accepted by many medical facilities. I've signed a specific document which says I want medical facilities to accept it. Stupid that it has to be done, but that's how it works where I live.

Also, he should sign a medical records release. Under HIPAA his records won't be easy to access.

These are simple documents which he really needs to get done properly by a local atty. He should also explore issues of his will considering whatever his financial situation is.

I hope his medical treatments go smoothly and he has a quick complete recovery.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I think your brother is doing what he believes is right and you need to support his decision. It's not he just met this girl last month, five years together and in the process of having a child together I think she is the correct person to be making the decisions. 

That is unless she has shown serious immaturity issues.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I am sorry for the challenge ahead of your brother and family. I just wanted to share two things. 

1.) I have a sweet friend that got diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor. He had recently starting dating a lovely girl, and they were crazy about each other. He proposed quickly, and they married quickly. They wanted as much time possible as husband and wife. They were in their early twenties, and amazingly he is still alive, nearing a decade later, and they are very, very happy. So there is a positive experience. :grin2:

2.) I have quite a few medical problems and one is classed as terminal. I spent a tremendous amount of brain power on how I wanted my end of life decisions time period handled. I'm in my fourties, as is DH. Out of love for both him and my parents I have filled out an Advanced Medical Directive outlining what I want done. These can be gotten at any doctor or hospital and probably online. I included in the areas such as pulling the plug, that I wanted that decision to be made by my husband and parents together. Two heads are better than one, and then one doesn't have to ever question if they made the right decision down the road. 

This is how I chose to handle it. I mention it only in case your family may be unfamiliar with a Advanced Medical Directive. It speaks for me when I can't. It lets my family know for sure that my wishes are being followed, and removes a lot of stress from them.

I hope his chemo is successful, and he lives a long happy wife with his wife and baby!


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

Your brother has cancer and a baby on the way.

Do you honestly think that making a fuss over him getting married and her making life decisions is what he needs right now?

They have been together for 5 years. They have probably had the talk about what they want to happen if something like this happens.

Go buy them each a living will kit (because as a concerned aunt you want to make sure everything is in order in case of an accident) and leave it at that.


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## camerashy (May 29, 2016)

NextTimeAround said:


> yeah, I do. The OP has made an issue out of age herself. Calling an adult a girl or boy is a way to reinforce the accusation of incompetence.
> 
> Now, do you have anything else to add?


I think that in this situation anyone can understand the OP's fears. It is only natural that when we are faced with something as potentially life changing as this, that we want to seize as much control of the situation as we can. Overbearing big sisters included. Cancer is scary...its a big, ugly scary unknown. 

I do agree with you @NextTimeAround (and I think many people will also) but I think that in this situation a little more sensitivity is warranted.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

NextTimeAround said:


> yeah, I do. The OP has made an issue out of age herself. Calling an adult a girl or boy is a way to reinforce the accusation of incompetence.
> 
> Now, do you have anything else to add?



Yes I do

OP, Chronological age in itself does not constitute mental maturity. You know this. 

You will know better than all of us if she is qualified to make that decision. 

However, she will be the wife of your brother and mother of his child. Typically the spouse makes the tough decision. They have also been together for 5 years. He did not meet her last month. 

It is his decision. 

To temper your fears, ask your brother to prepare a living will. That will spell out the type of care he wants. That will protect him. The hospital will follow the living will. He needs to provide a copy to every care provider.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

OP, I'm so very sorry for what your family is going through now, especially your brother himself. A very scary time to be sure, for everyone.

That said, as a woman with inlaws who like to "voice their concerns", I caution you. If you do ANYTHING but offer support and practical help, you WILL push your brother away, and ultimately damage your relationship with him.

As hard as it is to hear this, it is not your, nor your parents business whether he marries his long term partner and mother of his child, or how he words his will or other end of life documents. It just isn't. IF he asks for your opinion or advice, then you can suggest some alternatives, but you mustn't go to him and offer unsolicited advice.

You and your parents can either rally around him, his partner and soon to be baby and celebrate their wedding and the birth of their child, enjoying this wonderful time as a family, or you can push him away and alienate him from you all, when he needs you all the most.

Your choice.


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

NextTimeAround said:


> Methinks, you don't particularly like "the girl" (btw, after the age of 18 females are women) and you are now creating problems where they don't probably don't exist and, most importantly, it does not seem as if you are offering solutions.... which IMO is the only valid way that you complain about other people's business.
> 
> Should your brother become long term incapacitated, have you figured out who will support him financially AND support him on a day to day basis. Will that be you in both cases? What do your parents think of the options that he has?
> 
> Your brother can get a "living will" which will determine when he wants the machines turned off. After that, I say keep your nose out of it.



Not trying to offend or anything like that, But she is young and I am worried about my brother and his health now. And you would be wrong, I do like her I just think she will get overwhelmed with everything that is currently going on and I feel like she could make a very bad choice or take too long to make one if things do take a turn for the worse that is all. I will help as well as my parents if he becomes incapacitated long term.


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

Like I said I don't wanna alienate him or lose the closeness I have with my brother, But I just worry is all. And I talked with my parents and they feel the same way but we have all suggested him getting a living will. He is already feeling so terrible because he is a Rookie cop and now he had to disclose this to his department and now they have sat him on a desk and I honestly can't imagine the stress he is going through. It honestly is so frustrating to feel so incredibly helpless when someone you love and have attempted to protect throughout the years and then he gets this and you can't do anything. I guess if he really wants to marry her and do that I will make it my mission to make it happen and do everything I possibly can to help.


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## camerashy (May 29, 2016)

Justaverage said:


> Like I said I don't wanna alienate him or lose the closeness I have with my brother, But I just worry is all. And I talked with my parents and they feel the same way but we have all suggested him getting a living will. He is already feeling so terrible because he is a Rookie cop and now he had to disclose this to his department and now they have sat him on a desk and I honestly can't imagine the stress he is going through. It honestly is so frustrating to feel so incredibly helpless when someone you love and have attempted to protect throughout the years and then he gets this and you can't do anything. I guess if he really wants to marry her and do that I will make it my mission to make it happen and do everything I possibly can to help.


I think you are a wonderful sister and your heart is in the right place. Don't listen to the ones in here being too hard on you. Anyone can see that this is a massive struggle for your whole family. You will do the right thing, I am sure. Just as your brother will. 

Take care OP and good luck!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Your brother is facing his own mortality so it's natural he wants to live his life and that includes marrying the woman expecting his child.

And consider that your brother and his gf are basically the same age, so implying that she's incapable of making life or death decisions because of age means he can't make them either. 

So unless you have concerns about her beyond age I'd keep a close relationship with them. If she feels comfortable with the family she'll likely consult the family. You want her to see you as support and not as an adversary.

Do not make her feel like you don't trust her....that will blow up in your face. 

And a living will is always a good idea.


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

Justaverage said:


> I don't know if this is the right place or not to seek advice for this issue but I am going to give it a try and hopefully you guys can help me out. My younger brother is 23 and has been dating his girlfriend for five years and I like the girl and she hasn't done anything wrong per say. But he was recently diagnosed with a brain tumor and is going to be starting Chemo here on Friday. Well he has asked his girlfriend to marry him and he is understandably very scared right now and they have him on antidepressants and some anxiety meds. They only recently moved in togeather and got an apartment on their own and she is also seven and a half months pregnant with a baby boy, so I guess in a way they are already married. But now he wants her to marry him very soon and I feel like he wants to marry her out of fear rather than love and not sure this is the proper way to go about things. He would also be handing over all of his life and death choices to a 22-year-old if things god forbid take a turn for the worst and I am worried it will overwhelm her or she will be indecisive and unable to chose out of fear. He has also been pushing my parents away very strongly since he found out about this and says it is because he is embarrassed and doesn't want people to see him like this. I just don't want him making a mistake and doing something because he is afraid but I also don't want to say anything that might cost me my relationship with my brother. My brother and I have always had a very strong relationship and I don't want to ruin it.



I'm sorry for your brothers illness, it's certainly an awful thing to deal with. That being said, he loves this girl enough to marry her and have a child with her, he trusts her,and he has every right to choose her for these decisions. I know you love your brother, but this poor woman is going through hell right now too, and I promise you, if you go to him about his choice he will feel like you are disrespecting the love of his life (because frankly you are) and you will push him farther away. This woman is the person he wants to spend his life with, she is his future, so it's only normal for her to be an important part of this whole horrible process. 

Don't bring this up to your brother, it won't change anything besides give him more added stress that he and his little family do not need right now. Support his decision and embrace his future wife, she is carrying his child, and she loves him dearly. 

Good luck to you, I mean that. I hope your brother stays well.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I never understand why people who have been living together, sometimes for many years, suddenly want to marry when one of them gets really ill. if marriage was so important then why didn't they get married before? Especially if they have children.

I think you have to let your brother and his partner make their own decisions. AT 23 she is quite old enough to do so.


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

lifeistooshort said:


> Your brother is facing his own mortality so it's natural he wants to live his life and that includes marrying the woman expecting his child.
> 
> And consider that your brother and his gf are basically the same age, so implying that she's incapable of making life or death decisions because of age means he can't make them either.
> 
> ...


I haven't said anything to her and tried to be as friendly as possible with her and try and help in any way I possibly can. I took them food and such tonight so they wouldn't have to worry about cooking. Bur my brother isn't doing well and I can tell and it just hurts to see him like this and even worse, and Now I feel worse seeing how well she handled him and cared and is trying to take care of my brother. Deffinently more at ease after tonight.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> If she feels comfortable with the family she'll likely consult the family. You want her to see you as support and not as an adversary.


This is so true...my husband and I have discussed this many times due to the behaviour of his family, and if anything were to ever happen, he doesn't want them told until after the fact, and after any decisions have been made. He knows that they will fight me every inch of the way and add to my/our stress.



Justaverage said:


> I haven't said anything to her and tried to be as friendly as possible with her and try and help in any way I possibly can. I took them food and such tonight so they wouldn't have to worry about cooking. Bur my brother isn't doing well and I can tell and it just hurts to see him like this and even worse, and Now I feel worse seeing how well she handled him and cared and is trying to take care of my brother. Deffinently more at ease after tonight.


I'm so glad you're feeling more positive now, that's great to hear. I understand how you feel seeing your brother like this. When my dad had cancer, it was so hard to see him struggling and I have never felt more completely and utterly helpless in my life. 

This is such a difficult time for your entire family, it's really important that you and your parents assume supportive roles for your brother and sister in law (soon to be) and you all pull together as a family.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Justaverage said:


> Like I said I don't wanna alienate him or lose the closeness I have with my brother, But I just worry is all. And I talked with my parents and they feel the same way but we have all suggested him getting a living will. He is already feeling so terrible because he is a Rookie cop and now he had to disclose this to his department and now they have sat him on a desk and I honestly can't imagine the stress he is going through. It honestly is so frustrating to feel so incredibly helpless when someone you love and have attempted to protect throughout the years and then he gets this and you can't do anything. I guess if he really wants to marry her and do that I will make it my mission to make it happen and do everything I possibly can to help.


He's old enough to become a police officer, then he is old enough to make up his own mind about issues like marrying the mother of his child?

Is there any help available through the police department for officers in his situation?


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

Wedding planning started today since he officially proposed today and she said yes. We all went out to a nice steakhouse and he popped the question. There is probably help through his department but he doesn't want to ask or rather refuses to ask because he feels like he is a rookie and they will think less of him. Got her parents and ours offering to let them move in when he starts Chemo which starts today and I am supposed to drive them up to the hospital. Just hoping this whole both sets of parents offering to have them move in doesn't cause a rift or more stress or anything like that. Not sure what to expect from him after his first round of Chemo. Hoping I am not being a bother to you all with this.


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

'like' is not the right response to this thread. 
Your brothers condition is terrible. Perhaps he will not live to see his child born. Nothing to like there.
But he is making the best of it, he has a woman who loves him even given his condition, and they have a two families that are gathering around to support them. Lots to like there.

We had a similar case at church. He had a brain tumour found before the wedding. She went ahead even so, but couldn't tell her parents about his tumour until later. His prognosis was so poor the wedding had to be rushed. Given their culture she feared they would object too much and she would end up backing out. So she felt forced to silently lie to her parents. 
I like your case much more.
Hopefully it has as good an outcome as the couple I know, who as still alive and happily married and her parents have forgiven her and are now happy supportive grand-parents.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Justaverage said:


> Not sure what to expect from him after his first round of Chemo. Hoping I am not being a bother to you all with this.


You're not a bother at all...it's nice to have an outlet for yourself.

Congratulations on the impending wedding, it will be something wonderful and positive for you all to focus on during this time.

As for either set of parents being offended - nothing you can do about that. I do hope that they realise that whatever is easiest for both your brother and his fiance, is what everyone needs to support and encourage.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Justaverage said:


> Wedding planning started today since he officially proposed today and she said yes. We all went out to a nice steakhouse and he popped the question. There is probably help through his department but he doesn't want to ask or rather refuses to ask because he feels like he is a rookie and they will think less of him. Got her parents and ours offering to let them move in when he starts Chemo which starts today and I am supposed to drive them up to the hospital. Just hoping this whole both sets of parents offering to have them move in doesn't cause a rift or more stress or anything like that. Not sure what to expect from him after his first round of Chemo. Hoping I am not being a bother to you all with this.


 With his fiancee being heavily pregnant, she's going to need all the help she can get and so will the rest of the family. Hopefully, everyone will be able to work together to see them through this.

Of course you aren't bothering us! Last I looked, this forum was here so people could help each other through dark times. Please, continue posting. We're here for you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Justaverage said:


> Wedding planning started today since he officially proposed today and she said yes. We all went out to a nice steakhouse and he popped the question. There is probably help through his department but he doesn't want to ask or rather refuses to ask because he feels like he is a rookie and they will think less of him. Got her parents and ours offering to let them move in when he starts Chemo which starts today and I am supposed to drive them up to the hospital. Just hoping this whole both sets of parents offering to have them move in doesn't cause a rift or more stress or anything like that. Not sure what to expect from him after his first round of Chemo. Hoping I am not being a bother to you all with this.


WHy cant they stay in their own home and people go round to help them if they ask for it?


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

First round of Chemo is done, they are keeping him overnight to monitor him and make sure he gets enough fluids in him since afterward he was pretty much puking a lot. He had so many visitors it was just really great seeing the support, A lot of cops from his department even stopped by to check on him. I guess the real challenge will be in the next few days and seeing how his energy and if he is even able to eat ext. But just really happy the chemo is started so he can start beating this have a lot of faith he can anyways. And I suppose they can stay in their own place, Both sets of parents just thought it was easier if they moved into one of their places. Nothing is even settled right now. But today I could see the look of worry on her face and she even broke down in tears so hopefully, she gets stronger.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

Justaverage said:


> I don't know if this is the right place or not to seek advice for this issue but I am going to give it a try and hopefully you guys can help me out. My younger brother is 23 and has been dating his girlfriend for five years and I like the girl and she hasn't done anything wrong per say. But he was recently diagnosed with a brain tumor and is going to be starting Chemo here on Friday. Well he has asked his girlfriend to marry him and he is understandably very scared right now and they have him on antidepressants and some anxiety meds. They only recently moved in togeather and got an apartment on their own and she is also seven and a half months pregnant with a baby boy, so I guess in a way they are already married. But now he wants her to marry him very soon and I feel like he wants to marry her out of fear rather than love and not sure this is the proper way to go about things. He would also be handing over all of his life and death choices to a 22-year-old if things god forbid take a turn for the worst and I am worried it will overwhelm her or she will be indecisive and unable to chose out of fear. He has also been pushing my parents away very strongly since he found out about this and says it is because he is embarrassed and doesn't want people to see him like this. I just don't want him making a mistake and doing something because he is afraid but I also don't want to say anything that might cost me my relationship with my brother. My brother and I have always had a very strong relationship and I don't want to ruin it.


He's 23. Seems perfectly fine for a 22 year old to make life and death decisions for him. Despite you being his brother, 5 years with an intimate partner means she knows him better than you do.

If you have a concern because you think her judgment is poor, you could bring that up with the brother. But IMO, that would be all.

Not sure where you are, but in the US, he doesn't have to marry her to allow her to make decisions. But, by marrying her, she might get a tiny little smidgeon of survivor's benefits from SS, as will the child.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Justaverage said:


> Not trying to offend or anything like that, But she is young and I am worried about my brother and his health now. And you would be wrong, I do like her I just think she will get overwhelmed with everything that is currently going on and I feel like she could make a very bad choice or take too long to make one if things do take a turn for the worse that is all. I will help as well as my parents if he becomes incapacitated long term.


She will be overwhelmed. As would anybody. It's an extremely difficult situation for anyone to deal with. And it will be up to you, and your parents, and her parents, to offer an appropriate amount of support to them during those times that will get overwhelming. Support. As needed. As requested.

You are a good sister and I know in your heart you have your brother's best interest in mind. Wishing all of you the best throughout his treatment.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

He should make a living will and make sure his lawyer has a copy of it. It's important for your brother (and all of us) to talk about death and what they would want when faced with a tragic event. This way there is no secrets, everyone knows what the persons wishes are so no one will throw it in another persons face when they aren't happy with certain decisions that were made.


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

I am taking him to a lawyers on Monday so he can get the living will made up as well as his own will done. This morning I took them home and then tonight I took em some dinner and she told me he hadn't eaten at all and had slept all day and when she tried waking him up for dinner he could barely open up his eyes. And didn't want to eat, I am honestly worried there. But I was at least able to sit down and talk to her for a few hours and try and get closer and surprisingly she opened up to me. She is very afraid and doesn't know what to do or how to help him.


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

Justaverage said:


> I am taking him to a lawyers on Monday so he can get the living will made up as well as his own will done. This morning I took them home and then tonight I took em some dinner and she told me he hadn't eaten at all and had slept all day and when she tried waking him up for dinner he could barely open up his eyes. And didn't want to eat, I am honestly worried there. But I was at least able to sit down and talk to her for a few hours and try and get closer and surprisingly she opened up to me. She is very afraid and doesn't know what to do or how to help him.


This is moving forward so quickly.

Hopefully you are taking them, not just him. She should be included in the creation of his living will. It is something he creates to see his wishes are carried out. It is not against her, or you, or anyone, it is to protect his wishes. Given the speed everything is happening it is probably even more important to put everything out in the open.

And I wonder if it good for him to be going to the lawyers given he could barely open his eyes today. I fear the lawyers might say he is not in a fit state to make a will. Maybe ask them first. But he should see the lawyers as soon as possible.

And keep supporting them, they both need it. I would be terrified to have someone barely able to open their eyes.


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

NotEasy said:


> This is moving forward so quickly.
> 
> Hopefully you are taking them, not just him. She should be included in the creation of his living will. It is something he creates to see his wishes are carried out. It is not against her, or you, or anyone, it is to protect his wishes. Given the speed everything is happening it is probably even more important to put everything out in the open.
> 
> ...


I am taking them I wouldn't exclude his future wife, Trying to be helpful and encouraging and earn her trust not try and do things behind her back. I will call in the morning and ask but I went by earlier and he seemed to be doing a little better but he was still sleeping a lot. But when he did wake up he was at least able to stay awake for a bit and carry on a conversation. I am honestly very afraid for him if the Chemo takes that much out of him it scares me.


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

Hi!
So sorry to hear this news about your brother! Do you know what kind of brain tumor he has and what stage it is? Has he shared what type of chemo (and or radiation) he's on and the schedule?

If you educate yourself on these things, it can help you, and his wife once the baby comes. Knowing all you can will help you from unknown fear. This is if he allows you. 

My best friend's husband was dx with a stage 4 glio blastoma multiforme brain tumor. The worst of the worst. So I have experience with that. I digress. 

Chemo and often the anti- nausea Meds can wear a person out or knock him out. The chemo is different for each cancer and each patient but he will be down for a bit and then regain a bit of strength until the next round. It accumulates so each round gets harder.

I wish you the best with your family. You sound very loving and concerned. She will need your help with the baby if you are available so that she can help him. And they will be less likely to shut family out if they feel they have a say in things and are respected. It sounds like you want that as well.
Sometimes parents, especially mothers, can tend to want to take over for grown sons or daughters. My former inlaws were in the medical field so at that age, I would have trusted them! Only because I knew she was highly educated and on the same page as me, and in the know.

Keep posting here.
Keep bringing them food, and whatever else you can do for them. Does he know a lot about his cancer? Some shrink and some take hold of it. Either is fine! ((Hugs for you))


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

He was Diagnosed with primary cns lymphoma Large diffuse cell B, I have done a little research and I am honestly overwhelmed by it all. I don't remember the Chemo/Radiation types or what they were called Sorry I will get that later today when I go back to check in on him and his wife. I went and checked in on him last night and I have never seen him so depressed before in my life And I did talk to the lawyers and I didn't take him yesterday because if he is barely functioning they are not able to write up the will or living will. So I have to wait until he has some of his strength back and is able to at least stay awake more than an hour at a time. His wife seems to be more and more trusting of me so there is at least that. Supposed to have a BBQ at her parents house on Saturday really hoping he can and will go I think some sun and family time would do him well as well as his wife.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Justaverage said:


> But today I could see the look of worry on her face and she even broke down in tears so hopefully, she gets stronger.


Just because she broke down in tears does not mean she's not strong. It means she's worried and frightened, and feeling as helpless as you. My mum broke down sometimes when my dad was sick, and she's over 60, age has nothing to do with it.



Justaverage said:


> This morning I took them home and then tonight I took em some dinner and she told me he hadn't eaten at all and had slept all day and when she tried waking him up for dinner he could barely open up his eyes. And didn't want to eat, I am honestly worried there. But I was at least able to sit down and talk to her for a few hours and try and get closer and surprisingly she opened up to me. She is very afraid and doesn't know what to do or how to help him.


Chemo will knock him for six. No doubt about it. The first few days after each round are the worst, he'll slowly regain his strength and then the next round will start. These next few months are going to be rough for all of you.

It's not surprising that he's depressed and flat...he's fighting for his life, he's terrified, feels physically weak and like he wants to barf all the time. Is he seeing a counsellor or someone like that? He really needs someone to talk to, who he can really let it all out with, someone that he doesn't have to worry that they'll get upset or be worried about him. He can't do that with his family, he's likely not telling anyone how he's really feeling, so as not to upset anyone.

Hang in there, you're doing everything right, and are being the supportive sis he needs right now. We're all here for you too, please don't forget that x


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

Justaverage said:


> I am taking them I wouldn't exclude his future wife, Trying to be helpful and encouraging and earn her trust not try and do things behind her back. I will call in the morning and ask but I went by earlier and he seemed to be doing a little better but he was still sleeping a lot. But when he did wake up he was at least able to stay awake for a bit and carry on a conversation. I am honestly very afraid for him if the Chemo takes that much out of him it scares me.


Great, I was hoping that you saying you were taking 'him' was just a form of words and really you were taking 'them'. 
And sad to read in a later post that he was too out of it to see a lawyer.


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

Today was mildly stressful, he crashed pretty hard and his fiancee called me while I was at work and I made her hang up and call 911 and now he is in the hospital but they have him stabilized. Pretty scary, apparently he had a very long seizure due to the tumor pushing up against a part of his brain. I am really hoping he can get stabilized enough really need him to get to see a lawyer for a will and a living will ext.


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

Hi
I looked up that type of cancer and I can say, although it may look bleak, just knowing he's young makes a very big difference in his prognosis. 
I think getting married will boost his spirits. Yes, she is young, but that is part of what seals them together and it will help them if they stick together as a team.
Chemo and or radiation will take out a lot as well, so as you become familiar with the treatments you will at least feel more in control, I hope. With cancer like this, it's hard, I know. I hope you guys were able to soothe him if even just with your presence. 

I hope he's well enough to enjoy some fun on Saturday. And to get the necessary paperwork filled out.

Did you get to find out his chemo schedule?

PS,
I'm not opposed to the idea that they move in with family IF they would have their own private space. As sick as he is, and with a newborn, they will need the help! She can't do both on her own.

Keep us updated, and keep sharing, venting and asking advice. Are you in the US ?


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

Justaverage said:


> Today was mildly stressful, he crashed pretty hard and his fiancee called me while I was at work and I made her hang up and call 911 and now he is in the hospital but they have him stabilized. Pretty scary, apparently he had a very long seizure due to the tumor pushing up against a part of his brain. I am really hoping he can get stabilized enough really need him to get to see a lawyer for a will and a living will ext.


I'm so sorry to hear about the seizure. I'm glad he's working on getting him well enough to see that lawyer. Some will come to you!


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## hylton7 (Jan 24, 2017)

Hope everything works out for him


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

Seasong said:


> Hi
> I looked up that type of cancer and I can say, although it may look bleak, just knowing he's young makes a very big difference in his prognosis.
> I think getting married will boost his spirits. Yes, she is young, but that is part of what seals them together and it will help them if they stick together as a team.
> Chemo and or radiation will take out a lot as well, so as you become familiar with the treatments you will at least feel more in control, I hope. With cancer like this, it's hard, I know. I hope you guys were able to soothe him if even just with your presence.
> ...


Every other week he is due for chemo/radiation treatments he is supposed to go in Friday for round two and he is supposed to have two more rounds of treatment after that. And yes I am in the US, We are trying to get them married in the next couple of weeks as well as he wants to do it sooner rather than later and so I have been trying to get all of that planned out. I am gonna go by and visit on my way home from work tomorrow or rather later today hopefully they let him go home assuming he is doing alright. Her parents have a massive house and with a mother in law type apartment area attached to the house so if they moved in with them they would have a private area for just them, Only thing is it is upstairs and I worry about how he will do with stairs. Just honestly worried and hopeful he doesn't get too depressed and just give up, Because I think he can fight and beat this.


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## Penny905 (Mar 28, 2014)

I am sorry for what your brother and the family are going through. Please make sure his fiancé takes care of herself and eats & sleeps regularly. With everything going on and the support you he has, there is a way to help. There is a website called mealtrain.com where friends and family can go on and pick a day to supply a meal to the family. Others can see what days are taken and what they are having. It can be as simple as supplying a pizza or sandwiches, but I am sure this would help everyone.


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## Hellomynameis (Dec 16, 2016)

Please please please get that living will does as soon as he is physically able.

My 27 year old cousin was in a coma for 3 months after a horrific car accident. The drs said even if he survived he would have absolutely zero quality of life. My aunt and uncle decided to put him in hospice with no machines except the most basic life support and let him die naturally. His girlfriend wanted to keep him on all the machines and see if he woke up. They ended up in court because he had no living will or end of life wishes on file. They won and he died in hospice after just a few days but then she tried to sue them for wrongful death. Fortunately the court found no basis for her suit. But it caused a lot of grief in an already awful time.


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

I am trying to get the living will done as well as his normal will but I can't do that until he is physically fit to do so and well it has been rough lately health wise. Hospital at least let them go home tonight though, he is in about as good of spirits as you can be in going through all of this. Just worried he is trying to mask his true feelings. I know his fiancee hasn't been sleeping well or eating a lot because she has been taking care of him so much but when I tried to get her to go home and sleep from the hospital last night she wouldn't budge. I admire her tenacity and will to take care of him but my brother needs her to take care of herself just as much as him as well as her unborn baby.


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

Went to take them food again tonight and as I was talking up the steps I could hear screaming and yelling and a lot of crying. But she answered and took the food and basically said it wasn't a good time for me to visit but when I pressed for why they were fighting I basically got a door slammed in my face. These two have never fought at least that I have ever seen or noticed so them fighting this badly ext is a little worrying. Just hoping it doesn't tear them apart when they both need one another the most right now.


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

@Justaverage ,
How stressful for you to have heard all that fighting. It's hard to know when to get involved or not, especially knowing he could shut you out. I hope you approaching calmed them down, even though she didn't want to talk to you.

Have you looked on Facebook for any closed support groups you could join? I typed in brain cancer and a group called Grey Nation popped up, among some others. More if you type in brain tumor. They accept patients, family and caregivers. You might find one that is helpful.

Anything affecting the brain, especially cancer, can cause a change in personality but he's still the same person. Sometimes people forget that. Maybe he's afraid of that.

I have a neuro- degenerative disease in my brain and spinal cord. When I first got diagnosed I didn't want to talk about it with even my close friends or family (just one or two friends, and I controlled what was said). It was my way of not falling apart. I'm still very private, but it doesn't depress me as much. No cure, blah blah. I was never in control, though, and I shut out some good people. Not from life, just from helping. And I'm older!

I said that to say, there is fight in your brother. He needs support but may not know how to reach out. Pride, youth, the cancer, and just being overwhelmed. The baby will perk him up. If he has a favorite sports team, or hobby get something for the baby (an outfit, etc).

My husband beat cancer. Treatment is brutal but it's a battle worth fighting! And you're right, he can beat this! Hang in there!


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

Yes, I have looked will try and find the one you suggested thank you, Yes it is pretty unnerving to hear two people fighting and screaming and hear my brother crying. They didn't want me to go by yesterday so I respected their wishes but they still asked me if I could give them a ride to the BBQ so i am a little happy that they are going to come out and be sociable with the family ext. Got a few months until the baby is born and I am hoping it will life both of their spirits. Next round of Chemo is next Friday so I am hoping it doesn't wipe him out like the first one did. Just also hoping he doesn't start shutting the family out or more importantly shut me out.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Justaverage said:


> Yes, I have looked will try and find the one you suggested thank you, Yes it is pretty unnerving to hear two people fighting and screaming and hear my brother crying. They didn't want me to go by yesterday so I respected their wishes but they still asked me if I could give them a ride to the BBQ so i am a little happy that they are going to come out and be sociable with the family ext. Got a few months until the baby is born and I am hoping it will life both of their spirits. Next round of Chemo is next Friday so I am hoping it doesn't wipe him out like the first one did. Just also hoping he doesn't start shutting the family out or more importantly shut me out.


You should do some research. Chemo often gets harder with each round. Chemo can also very much impact brain function, emotions, behavior, etc. Your brother and his fiancee are in for a rough ride. The more you know, the more you'll be able to help.

Have they discussed the actual wedding ceremony? While he's going through chemo, if they want to get married right away, they do have the option of asking an officiant to come to them to perform the ceremony. It wouldn't be the first time a couple were married while one was ill in bed.

I'm not trying to scare you, but you mentioned upthread that you don't want your brother to "give up". I've had two separate friends in the last 3 years lose children to brain tumors. 5 years ago, I lost a friend to same. My grandfather had stomach cancer and also passed. For each of them, there came a time when it was quality of life vs quantity. It's possible your brother will fight this and beat it. It is also possible he will decide to stop treatment at some point because he doesn't want the time he has left to be Hell on Earth. *IF* it comes to that, it wouldn't be giving up. It would be accepting the inevitable and making the most of what life he has left.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Deleted post due to the links I was trying to share not working.


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

The BBQ didn't go quite as good as I had hoped, Family was a little overbearing on him and his wife. But her parents got them to agree to move into the mother inlaw apartment they have, Which is probably for the best considering what is going on and what is to come. From the time I picked them up to the time I dropped them back off, they both seemed rather distant with one another but I didn't make it an issue or bring it up to them. They are going to get married on the 25th it will be a small family and friends type of wedding. And I did some more research and joined a couple support groups, But I hope you all don't mind if I keep posting here, but thank you all for the guidance and help. He had to take a couple naps at the BBQ because he couldn't stay awake the whole day which was kind of distressing, to be honest. He didn't want help though and was getting annoyed easily whenever anyone offered or tried to help.


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

Hi @Justaverage ,
Family can be like that, unfortunately. They know deep down it's because they want to help and feel at a loss.
Don't feel distressed that he needs to sleep. We have an antigravity chair for me that I used at my own wedding to rest and nap. At my daughter's wedding just a few months ago they put me on a couch in a secluded area of the lovely lobby and blocked my face view with my wheelchair.
I'm not on chemo but my body wears out very fast so we try to be discreet if it's a formal setting.
It's too bad they seemed awkward still, but moving in to the attached apartment sounds great.
Have you found any other ones in his age bracket wth the same diagnosis? I hope you will!
Of course, keep coming here! Tell us what more you learn, since you never know who's reading that you may help!
How far apart in age are you and your brother?
Hope this makes sense!


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

No, I haven't found anyone close to him in age with the same diagnosis. Hoping I can I am sure the two of them could use one another to talk about what they are going through. They are going to move in sometime this week before he goes the next round of Chemo, Gonna take them to the lawyers office on Tuesday he said he needs to go before his next round so he can get the wills done. Honestly more so worried about their relationship falling apart all of a sudden they need one another more than ever right now and how they have been acting around each other last few times I have been around them is worrying.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Justaverage said:


> And I did some more research and joined a couple support groups, But I hope you all don't mind if I keep posting here, but thank you all for the guidance and help. He had to take a couple naps at the BBQ because he couldn't stay awake the whole day which was kind of distressing, to be honest. He didn't want help though and was getting annoyed easily whenever anyone offered or tried to help.


Of course we don't mind!

My mother was disabled from birth. One of the things that annoyed her the most was someone helping her without her asking. She took great pride in being able to do the limited things she could do. As your brother deals with this horrid illness and it's equally horrid treatment, try to remember not to just help him. Either offer to help and wait until he gives permission or wait for him to ask. 



Justaverage said:


> No, I haven't found anyone close to him in age with the same diagnosis. Hoping I can I am sure the two of them could use one another to talk about what they are going through. They are going to move in sometime this week before he goes the next round of Chemo, Gonna take them to the lawyers office on Tuesday he said he needs to go before his next round so he can get the wills done. Honestly more so worried about their relationship falling apart all of a sudden they need one another more than ever right now and how they have been acting around each other last few times I have been around them is worrying.


The friend I lost and my grandfather were both married when they got their cancer diagnosis and began treatment. Not only does chemo mess with brain chemistry and, in turn, behavior and feelings, but the whole thing is very hard for both the patient and their SO. It's quite normal for a couple in these circumstances to experience very high highs and very low lows. All you can do is pray (if you're religious) and offer support.

Also, remember, that pregnancy can be rough on a relationship. Exhaustion and hormones plus physical discomfort and all the normal impending parenthood fears and concerns wreck havoc. So, your brother and his fiancee are getting hit with a double whammy.


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

Took off of work today and helped them move in with her parents, I can tell he isn't a fan of this at all. Just hoping it does not cause any undue pressure on them if he is unhappy there. I wanna try and get him alone so I can talk with him one on one but I haven't been able to because she has been hovering over him all the time which I suppose is understandable. But taking them to the lawyers tomorrow to get his will and living will done hopefully that goes well. He seemed better today defiantly a good day energy wise and how he was feeling.


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

How did things go? 
I hope your brother realizes this will be better until he is stronger. He has to think about his entire family, and forge ahead, as tough as light is right now.
I can be pretty direct myself without being rude... I might just say something to sis in a kind way that you'd like to talk to your brother for a few minutes. Should you really need her permission? You'd think not, but really, you are siblings!
Two of my three children are married. I couldn't imagine hovering to block another sibling. Granted, none have been this ill. 
My daughter- in- law got very sick while pregnant and had to have second trimester surgery on her, not the baby, but in that area. Her mom an I got the play by play and then I passed the info to my mom and daughters. It was a success and baby was fine. The offensive part came out and she did much better. And baby didn't have a clue! Her mom flew down for that and since I can't travel, I sent flowers and chocolates and that was a hit! 
I'm on a new med and it makes me feel really weird. Hope all is well, and with the lawyer too!
Seasong


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

Lawyers and moving went really well and I think it is because they are having such issues that she is hovering trying to block me from him letting me in on the info. I don't know what is going on between them but I am honest very concerned but I want to be able to help if not. Gotta pick them up early AM Friday and take them for round two, Just hoping she isn't ready to leave him or something drastic. Going to try and take him out to lunch later today if he is feeling up to it and she lets me get him out of her sight. Also hoping that them moving in with her parents doesn't put more strain on their relationship because they feel they can't have serious discussions or fights.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*If he truly loves and trusts her with all of his heart and soul, then let it be! 

Although unmarried right now, like it or lump it, they are a family greatly unto themselves!

Let them behave as one and duly respect their decision as such and be there for them if they ever should need you!*


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

Maybe you can reassure her that you're trying to help them all, her included. Not interfere, but help. I wonder how much she understands about his cancer and the side effects?
This situation would be trying on an established marriage, so certainly they have it extra tough. When is the baby due?
Your brother is very brave!


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

I have no idea if your brother would ever consider this, but medical marijuana can help with his nausea and other side effects greatly. 

The CBD oil is now also known to shrink and stop brain tumors. 

It's really come a long long way in helping many diseases, but it is best known to stop nausea and help stimulate appetite. 

Don't rule it out, at least let him consider the possibility. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Justaverage said:


> Took off of work today and helped them move in with her parents, *I can tell he isn't a fan of this at all.* Just hoping it does not cause any undue pressure on them if he is unhappy there. *I wanna try and get him alone so I can talk with him one on one but I haven't been able to because she has been hovering over him all the time* which I suppose is understandable. But taking them to the lawyers tomorrow to get his will and living will done hopefully that goes well. He seemed better today defiantly a good day energy wise and how he was feeling.


Again OP, and I say this as someone with inlaws who like to "help" and "air their concerns"...I strongly advise you NOT to push for a one on one conversation with your brother, about anything. If he opens up to you that's different, but you shouldn't approach him about this, if you do you risk causing more stress for your brother.

Even if he isn't 100% happy about the living arrangements right now, he will see that when the baby comes, his wife will need all the help she can get - and likely day and night at times. This is the best thing for their family, even if he can't see that right now.


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

Was able to take him to lunch and it was good he actually had enough energy and could eat and keep things down was surprising. He actually opened up to me and I didn't push it he just apologized for the fighting I have heard and overheard of them. And said things have been rough between him being sick and possibility of death and with the baby on the way. Baby is due basically anytime now she is almost 8months pregnant now. But later today/Tomorow is round two for his treatment so hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. Trying to think of something to pick up for his soon to be wife as gift before I pick them up for his treatment.


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

I'm glad you two had a good lunch!
I see nothing wrong with some one on one time with a sibling or with your sister in,law! I'm close to my brother and his wife. If something in the past came up in confidence, it stayed like that. Family is important! 


In the case with your brother, you know he has those fears, as this is a serious disease. You can offer your help and you have! Dinners, rides, and helping them move, planning the wedding; all that support makes a difference!


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## emmasmith (Aug 11, 2016)

Family is very important. You can help your brother!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Seasong said:


> I see nothing wrong with some one on one time with a sibling or with your sister in,law! I'm close to my brother and his wife. If something in the past came up in confidence, it stayed like that. Family is important!


Of course there isn't, I'm speaking from my own perspective with my own inlaws obviously. The SIL is hovering because she's worried, stressed and loves her husband.

If my SIL were visiting our home and basically asked me to leave the room so she could speak to my husband alone, I'd be telling her to back off.

Edited to add: OP - please remember I'm speaking from my own perspective here...I'm not for a minute saying you're like my inlaws - mine are truly horrible people.


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

Wasn't at their home it was at the BBQ but all the same, I meant no disrespect to her or their relationship. Second round is in the books though this round defiantly took a lot more out of him Myself his soon to be wife and her father had to help him up the stairs when we got back to their new place. Basically, what I feared would happen did. But that is hindsight I really hope his soon to be wife doesn't think I am being overbearing or anything I am just trying to be helpful and just extremely worried about my brother. But it is no wonder they are spacing the Chemo and radiation out like they are it takes everything out of a person.


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

Tried going over and got turned away at the door apparently my brother has been sleeping all day like last time and I guess they are just letting him rest so understandable. I guess I will try again tomorrow and see how it goes. But the wedding is set for the 25th and invitations have been sent out so hoping that goes off without any issues. Trying to figure out what to get them both as a wedding gift but I am not sure what is totally appropriate under the circumstances.


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

I would ignore the cancer, etc and get them something to remind them of their wedding! Even if they are getting married due to circumstances, it will let them know you thought of them. I got one of those mr and mrs frames and I actually love it because I never ever thought I'd remarry ( didn't want to, and due to my health), and a personalized photo album. Does she have a certain style? You can't beat Pima cotton sheets if you want to splurge! Really, anything you get them will be nice!
I hope he feels well enough for it as well!


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

Sorry I am just now responding to this again, She went into labor and had a healthy baby boy with no complications. They gave him the first name of Lucas which I really liked. It wasn't easy getting them both there but it defiantly made my brother happy to be holding his son in his arms. Had to help him out to the car almost carrying him he just has no energy again. But he fought through it and stayed awake to help her through it all, all three are resting comfortably now. Is Pima cotton the same as Egyptian cotton sheets? She has their apartment decorated in a very modern and contemporary way.


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

Congratulations! I like that name as well! That's great he was determined to make it! Is this your first nephew? Glad she had a complication free delivery! Now comes the real work!
Yes, Pima is Egyptian cotton. My sister in law bought us some and what a dream!
Again, congratulations on your new beautiful nephew! Boys are so much fun! I bet he's beyond exhausted but proud he helped her out. That's a good man you're related to! You all are!


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

Thanks he is so adorable and I will take your advice and get them some super comfortable sheets. Mother and son and my brother will all get to go home tomorrow so that is a plus but my brother is incredibly weak and even the hospital could tell and made him go lay day which is making him really frustrated because he wants to spend all of his time with his son. And being forced to go lay down and get some rest wasn't the top of his acceptable list. But other then that things are as good as they could be I suppose. Just wish my brother wasn't stressing out so much he needs to rest and get his energy back in between treatments so he can stay around long term for his son.


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

Well, all three are home safe and sound and all three are resting comfortably. Got another couple weeks before his next treatment and somehow they are going to try and swing a wedding next weekend. Pretty sure they both are going to be incredibly exhausted. Ordered them a bunch of new sheet sets and some baby blankets and some other stuff for a wedding present.


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

Sorry for this bit of a rant, But I feel kind of miffed. His soon to be wife and parents texted me and asked me to not drop by for awhile and her parents can handle the meals and help ext. And when I tried calling I got no answer and so I called my brother and got no answer so I texted him and asked if he knew about this and 5-6 hours later I guess when he woke up he answered that he didn't. I was just trying to be helpful and that was my only intention and thought I was being helpful ya know? Now they are trying to push me away and not to go over and see my brother and ignoring me when I try and call to get some kind of explanation. I don't understand where this is coming from or why this is happening. And it is honestly very upsetting and disheartening. If she is trying to drive a wedge between myself and brother it is not going to happen. And I can only imagine this is stressing my brother out since from his response he seemed upset as well. I don't know what is going on but I do feel I deserve an answer as to why.


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

Hopefully it's just for the first week or so, that baby and mom can adjust and sleep as much as they can, and dad can help but get his rest and strength built up. It doesn't knock down all the helpful things you've done. Give yourself time to cool off. It could just be that they offered since they lived there and mom is more confortable.

Of course this won't separate you and your brother! Give it a minute for him to give you a response. Even if you don't like it, try to see things from their perspective, her age, etc, and now you can take him to chemo since she's got the newborn.

I like your idea for the wedding gift! It's easy to get upset at this less than ideal situation but at some point maybe there can be a discussion that includes everyone.

Does he get a long with your parents? The STB daughter in law?
Hang in there! Don't cause them to fight this early in the birth experience if you can help it. Parenthood is exhausting. Do you have kids? Those first days, weeks, months... crazy!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'm sorry they've done this OP, and can understand why you're hurt. It was absolutely inappropriate for her parents to be involved in that text at all. If you push for an explanation though, it will just make it harder for your brother. Let things settle for a few days and see how things go. Remember that SIL is trying to deal with a newborn, recover from birth AND care for your brother...she's exhausted and her hormones would be going crazy right now.

It's likely because of the new baby, if I had a newborn I wouldn't want any visitors either for at least a couple of weeks while we get into a routine of sorts. This is a very special time for them, and mum, dad and baby need to bond.

It would hurt to feel excluded though, and I'm sorry for that.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Having visitors with a new baby can be exhausting. Add to that a sick fiance its even more so. I wonder if you could go a little less often? Say once a week and then phone him once or twice between visits?
They are a little family and they need time to rest and get used to the new baby as well as his treatment. 
It may seem to her that you are trying to cause trouble by asking him about their polite request. I know you are his sister, but she is nearly his wife and they have a baby, and with the wedding as well they have so much to cope with. Give them some space in my advise. Let him enjoy his new baby. He will contact you if he wants to talk, just respect their wishes for this time is my advise, you know they have help available if they need it.


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

I didn't mean to cause any trouble but being excluded and cut off from your sick family member is very hurtful. Now that I have had time to calm down and not be so upset I understand why though. But I still feel like it would of been better had it come from my brother. Yes he gets along with our parents really well, He isn't the biggest fan of her parents but they seem to like him alright I never asked why he didn't like them didn't think it mattered or cared honestly. Got a week until his wedding day I am still excited for them both.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Justaverage said:


> I didn't mean to cause any trouble but being excluded and cut off from your sick family member is very hurtful. Now that I have had time to calm down and not be so upset I understand why though. But I still feel like it would of been better had it come from my brother. Yes he gets along with our parents really well, He isn't the biggest fan of her parents but they seem to like him alright I never asked why he didn't like them didn't think it mattered or cared honestly. Got a week until his wedding day I am still excited for them both.


You haven't been excluded or cut off, just asked to give then a little space at this time. Maybe her parents can see how exhausted they are and are trying to protect them from visitors for a week or two. Its understandable. 
How often do your parents see them? You mention when you do, but not when they do.


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

It sure seems as if I was cut off and excluded a bit. But it doesn't matter, I am over and past it talked to my brother on the phone and had a good long talk with about some wedding details that needed ironed out for this coming Saturday. My parents stop by a couple times a week give or take usually when they can but they live a few hours away so it isn't always easy for them to stop by and see him but they are trying as best they can.


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## Snowflakes (Feb 18, 2017)

Im very sorry about your brother's cancer..

Well you said it yourself they are already married somehow so getting a real marriage wouldnt harm either of them because its more like a signed contract.
It might actually help both of them during this hard time since she will be sure that he really cares for her that he wants to assure her his will to spend the rest of his life with her and a good thing for him because he'll get to feel better mentally at least when she says yes.


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## Suspect (Jan 12, 2016)

I understand your concerns. Is it definate that you brother is putting all this responsibility on his GF alone. Is he thinking in the back of his mind that mom and dad will still hold the same decision influence on his medical history, past traleatments etc?

A living will does provide him with some security of his own decisions if he becomes unable. But there are times when a family member will still have to provide guidance on plan of care.

Has anyone discussed a medical power of attorney? He can name 2 people one as the primary and secondary. My son that is married has gotten one because he doesn't see his wife as being able to provide all the medical information to a physician should he undergo surgery and be under and can't speak form him self. 

It is not as as death inanimate type of form. Then work to the power of attorney. This is a lot of responsibility on any person with a seriously ill loved one and a new born. She will be pulled in 2 directions. Someone will be giving care to the baby or the husband she can't do it all alone.


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

Well at least I was able to talk to my brother on the phone a bit today said our parents dropped in on them today. He also feels like things aren't getting better health wise and is worried. But that he is inlove deeply with his soon to be wife and that his baby boy shows him that he has something to fight for. So I guess that is some good and some bad but some more good then bad if that makes sense? Just happy he has decided to keep fighting and all but alas this week will be a busy one with the wedding this Saturday.


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

Went and got their wedding cake picked out as well as some other things done, Not sure what I may or ma not of done but my future sister inlaw is still avoiding me not sure what this is all about. She at least let my brother go to lunch with me. Can't tell if she is ticked off with me or just trying to be controlling or what. I don't know but I am not gonna try and make any waves or cause any fights not on the week of their wedding. Brother is definitely worried about having the amount of energy needed to get through Saturday.


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

Just a few more days and they will officially be husband and wife! That's great all the details are coming together. 

As a new mother, her hormones are in a massive upheaval, lack of sleep... It can be especially rough the first few weeks, known as the baby blues. I had them with my middle child. Plus, the extreme stress from the cancer, and you've got a frazzled new mom.

It's hard to tell without her telling you. It could also be you may have hurt her feelings. Or maybe she's not sure how to react to needing space and knowing it offended you.
Third, and if this is possible, maybe in time you can help her with this-- You and your brother are close. She may see that as competition, When it shouldn't be. Unless either of you have felt jealous, don't discount if you sense it. You may figure out some other possibilities.

Whatever is going on may get resolved with some time. Especially if it's baby blues! She may be feeling a little blue over the wedding itself since he's sick and she just gave birth. Maybe find a moment and give her a heartfelt welcome to the family. That you're glad he's found love with her and they share the joy of their precious Lucas. 

Also, it's normal for your brother to wax and wane with his feelings over progress. He's got his son and wife to help him stay positive, and family. But he knows it's serious.
Ask him if the doctors are giving him any results in counts or any scans or tests he'll have done to have anything to compare progress. Doctors don't necessarily keep patients abreast of the numbers, or even fill them in on what to watch for.

I hope this made sense, as I can feel one of my meds kicking in. Sorry I didn't write sooner. I can't always type!


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

Suspect said:


> I understand your concerns.
> 
> Has anyone discussed a medical power of attorney? He can name 2 people one as the primary and secondary. My son that is married has gotten one because he doesn't see his wife as being able to provide all the medical information to a physician should he undergo surgery and be under and can't speak form him self.


With this type of brain cancer, surgery is rarely performed, and won't be in his case.


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

Hi @Justaverage . How did was the wedding?


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

Wedding went Ok brother collapsed and didn't have a lot of energy but refused to go to the hospital and soldiered on and had his first dance with his beautiful new bride. For putting this wedding togeather in the amount of time we did it turned out far better than I could have hoped for and we had about 100-150 Friends and family show up. Found out the issue though it was jealousy on her part but I don't know why she would be feeling like this in all honesty but I haven't brought it up to her or talked to her about it as my brother told me what was going on. But his next treatment is this coming Friday so a short break before he is back into the fight so to speak.


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

Justaverage said:


> Wedding went Ok brother collapsed and didn't have a lot of energy but refused to go to the hospital and soldiered on and had his first dance with his beautiful new bride. For putting this wedding togeather in the amount of time we did it turned out far better than I could have hoped for and we had about 100-150 Friends and family show up. Found out the issue though it was jealousy on her part but I don't know why she would be feeling like this in all honesty but I haven't brought it up to her or talked to her about it as my brother told me what was going on. But his next treatment is this coming Friday so a short break before he is back into the fight so to speak.


That's great that the wedding went so well despite his collapsing and being so exhausted but pushing through for the sake of celebrating a joyous event.

Since she's a tired new mommy, stressed, and worried the same as you regarding brother/husband, it's no wonder she feels pressure from all sides.

I mentioned before that you and he have a history together, you're blood. That's long established. What they have is new and growing, more complicated. She needs to find her place with his other girl (you). She will come around. Let your brother help her see you both love him in different ways. New marriage needs privacy.
Ask his opinion of what can be done to ease her into a happy family.
I hope they like your gifts! Has baby grown or changed quite a bit since his birth?
Who will take your brother to chemo?


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

They loved the gifts I was really happy that they liked them. My nephew has gotten a little bit bigger and is still adorable as hell and I love him. I think I am gonna take him unless she has a problem with it or reacts badly for some reason I don't know his wife has been strange and I know she is under a lot of pressure. Just don't see any reason at all for her to be jealous of our relationship but ya know what Do I know? She didn't really speak to me at the wedding or since then and I am not gonna push it and create any issues. My only goal is to make things easier for them and for my brother to get better.


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

You've got a great attitude despite the situation. You're brother is surrounded by some great ladies! 

I hope you do get to take him to chemo. You don't want the baby exposed to germs. Even if grandma babysits, she could pass them to him via transfer. Plus, she needs her rest and bonding time.

Also, I'm glad they liked your gifts! I hope they got some nice ones over all.


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

Thank's I am taking him to chemo later today well gonna try anyways. Brother said he talked with her to try and get her to back off and chill out a bit. But I didn't ask him for him to talk to her or anything like this and I told him I wish he hadn't because I don't want rifts to form I mean they just got married so they need to try and make the most out of things. See how she reacts to me later today when I go to pick up my brother for his treatment.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

A little word of hopefully wise advise. When a couple are married, they are supposed to physically and emotionally leave their previous family and be a new unit on their own. This doesn't mean that they can't see and have contact with their wider families, but that their new family is now their priority and focus. He is supposed to put his wife and child first, and she is supposed to put her husband and child first. 
I appreciate that you seek to have this close relationship with him, especially now that he is ill, but she and the baby are now the number one and two priorities in his life, and that's how it should be. 
So take a step back, try not to swamp them, help out ONLY when asked(they know that you are wiling to help), and contact them maybe once or twice a week to see how things are going, maybe visiting once a week or so to see them all if they are ok with that, and give as much attention to her as to him. 
They are now a new unit, you have to appreciate that. Its not 'him' or 'her', its 'them'.Never ever make him chose between you in anyway, he should chose her.
Let them have this time and space of newly being married with a new baby, a sometimes challenging time normally, even more so with this illness, they need this period of time. 

Can I ask if you are married or have a partner?


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

I am involved with a guy and have been for about three years now, Not sure why that matters honestly. I am not trying to make him chose between us I am just trying to help and want my brother to survive this cancer. But anyways I took him to his treatment today but he was so weak afterwards they had to keep him overnight again. He is getting worse and worse after each treatment and I don't know how on earth this is honestly helping him. Just hoping he is beating this and it isn't a sign he is getting worse and worse.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Justaverage said:


> I am involved with a guy and have been for about three years now, Not sure why that matters honestly. I am not trying to make him chose between us I am just trying to help and want my brother to survive this cancer. But anyways I took him to his treatment today but he was so weak afterwards they had to keep him overnight again. He is getting worse and worse after each treatment and I don't know how on earth this is honestly helping him. Just hoping he is beating this and it isn't a sign he is getting worse and worse.


Cancer treatment sadly does make you feel awful, but if its helping the tumour to shrink then its worth it. They will see what has happened after the first course and ask him whether he wants more treatment or not. That will depend on whether the tumour has shrunk or grown or stayed the same.


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

Everything the Doctors have said seem to indicate it is working but it is just zapping the life out of my brother to the point he can't move after this last treatment. I realize these are different for everyone and how each individual reacts to it is also different but seeing someone who has a very athletic career and build just not be able to move because he is that weak is very disconcerting to see in all honesty. I didn't go see him today in the hospital or call anything trying to give them space and will let them call I guess when or if I am needed.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Justaverage said:


> Everything the Doctors have said seem to indicate it is working but it is just zapping the life out of my brother to the point he can't move after this last treatment. I realize these are different for everyone and how each individual reacts to it is also different but seeing someone who has a very athletic career and build just not be able to move because he is that weak is very disconcerting to see in all honesty. I didn't go see him today in the hospital or call anything trying to give them space and will let them call I guess when or if I am needed.


Thats pretty normal. Many people get really sick as well and loose their hair.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Justaverage said:


> Everything the Doctors have said seem to indicate it is working but it is just zapping the life out of my brother to the point he can't move after this last treatment. I realize these are different for everyone and how each individual reacts to it is also different but seeing someone who has a very athletic career and build just not be able to move because he is that weak is very disconcerting to see in all honesty. I didn't go see him today in the hospital or call anything trying to give them space and will let them call I guess when or if I am needed.


That's one of the worst parts of a loved one fighting cancer isn't it? I remember how weak my dad was...so hard to watch, but they do come good again as time goes on.

How many more doses in this round of chemo, do you know?

Hugs to you and your family x


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

I believe he has one or two more rounds of Chemo before he is done. But he is still in the hospital that is three days straight, I guess from what I was told is he is incredibly dehydrated and unable so far to keep food down and so they are keeping him to try and get all of this sorted but the not being able to eat bit isn't helping with his energy at all. Just really hoping that is all it is, and that he isn't getting worse he needs to beat this and be around for his son. I at least got him to laugh a bit when I talked to him today and said if they had frequent flyer miles for hospitals he would have enough for a few round trip tickets in first class.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Justaverage said:


> I believe he has one or two more rounds of Chemo before he is done. But he is still in the hospital that is three days straight, I guess from what I was told is he is incredibly dehydrated and unable so far to keep food down and so they are keeping him to try and get all of this sorted but the not being able to eat bit isn't helping with his energy at all. Just really hoping that is all it is, and that he isn't getting worse he needs to beat this and be around for his son. I at least got him to laugh a bit when I talked to him today and said if they had frequent flyer miles for hospitals he would have enough for a few round trip tickets in first class.


They wont do the last one or two until he is stronger. Can you give me his name, we would like to pray for him, I believe God still heals today. :smile2:


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

I'm so sorry he's had it that much rougher this time! I hope by now he is better hydrated. Maybe next round they can admit him to the hospital the day or night before they do the chemo and prep him with stronger meds to cope with the intense side effects a little better. It might be worth asking his oncologist what to expect.

How far away is the treatment center/ hospital? I'm glad you had him laughing! I'll be checking for your update. I did this morning and didn't see it! Hang in there.


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

We live about 45mins to an hour away, And his name is Brandon. They still haven't released him to go home I don't know if something is going on or if they are just being extra cautious but I am a little worried in all honesty. I wasn't able to stop by today because of work and going to see my boyfriend and I honestly felt guilty going to see my boyfriend instead of my brother. I don't know why it is bothering me as much as it is, But I feel like it shouldn't bother me so much. I will try and talk to his doctors and see if they can admit him earlier next time because the reaction this time has been nothing short of horrendous.


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

Has your brother considered Cannabis? 

-----------------------------------------

"A day doesn’t go by where I don’t see a cancer patient who has nausea, vomiting, loss of appetite, pain, depression and insomnia,” says Dr. Donald 
Abrams, chief of hematology-oncology at San Francisco General Hospital and a professor of clinical medicine at the University of California, San Francisco. 

Marijuana, he says, “is the only anti-nausea medicine that increases appetite.”

It also helps patients sleep and elevates their mood—no easy feat when someone is facing a life-threatening illness.

"I could write six different prescriptions, all of which may interact with each other or the chemotherapy that the patient has been prescribed. 

Or I could just recommend trying one medicine,” 


A 2014 poll conducted by Medscape and WebMD found that more than three-quarters of U.S. physicians think cannabis provides real therapeutic benefits. 

And those working with cancer patients were the strongest supporters: 82 percent of oncologists agreed that cannabis should be offered as a treatment option.

Dr. Benjamin Kligler, associate professor of family and social medicine at Albert Einstein College of Medicine, says there has been enough research to prove that at a bare minimum cannabis won’t actually harm a person. 

In addition, “given what we've seen anecdotally in practice I think there's no reason we shouldn't see more integration of cannabis in the long run as a strategy,” he says. 

"We have this extremely safe, extremely useful medicine that could potentially benefits a huge population.”

-------------------------------

At least let him and his wife read the above information. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

@dianaelaine59 , 
maybe @Kristin2849 can give some info on the tincture or edibles. Too dangerous to smoke it!

A lot of oncologists are willing to allow this, and even prescribe it it help ease symptoms. It depends on what your laws are like. And your brother's thoughts. Be worth reading up on it and finding out what his care team thinks.


Edit. @kristin2349 

Brain cancer caused by primary CNS Lymphoma Large diffuse cell b
Very aggressively treated, very rare out of the brain cancers, so the treatments 
Make him extremely sick, weak, fatigued, etc.


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

Justaverage said:


> We live about 45mins to an hour away, And his name is Brandon. They still haven't released him to go home I don't know if something is going on or if they are just being extra cautious but I am a little worried in all honesty. I wasn't able to stop by today because of work and going to see my boyfriend and I honestly felt guilty going to see my boyfriend instead of my brother. I don't know why it is bothering me as much as it is, But I feel like it shouldn't bother me so much. I will try and talk to his doctors and see if they can admit him earlier next time because the reaction this time has been nothing short of horrendous.


Because his type of cancer is so aggressive, they have to go at it just as aggressively. He's young, and inside he's strong. Weak right now from the chemo but he's in good hands. They are smart to keep him in because he must have gotten severely dehydrated, and that plus dealing the week after chemo can make you more prone to get sick. It sounds like they know their stuff.

It's good you spent time at your boyfriend's. You need to recharge, and to spend time with loved ones so you don't break down yourself! Stay positive! Educate yourself about his treatments so you feel more settled.

How is wife and baby! I hope he goes home soon, but not before he's good and ready! They won't give him the treatment again unless his body is strong enough. I prayed for him as well. You are doing great! I am in awe of his strength and determination.


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

Yes we have thought about that but it is not legal in our state, They have thought about moving temporarily but that is such a drastic step. And I was able to find out that he has an infection going on right now which is why he is having such adverse reactions right now and thus why they have been keeping him. They are going to keep him in the hospital until they have the infection under control and taken care of which I am hoping is quickly. His wife is definitely stressed right now and probably a tinge depressed I have noticed. New baby plus this and now the complications of this infection are taking its toll on her but she is a fighter and she is putting on a brave face for my brother. Nephew is growing and is cute as ever.


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

Justaverage said:


> Yes we have thought about that but it is not legal in our state, They have thought about moving temporarily but that is such a drastic step. And I was able to find out that he has an infection going on right now which is why he is having such adverse reactions right now and thus why they have been keeping him. They are going to keep him in the hospital until they have the infection under control and taken care of which I am hoping is quickly. His wife is definitely stressed right now and probably a tinge depressed I have noticed. New baby plus this and now the complications of this infection are taking its toll on her but she is a fighter and she is putting on a brave face for my brother. Nephew is growing and is cute as ever.




What state are you in if I may ask?


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Justaverage said:


> Yes we have thought about that but it is not legal in our state, They have thought about moving temporarily but that is such a drastic step. And I was able to find out that he has an infection going on right now which is why he is having such adverse reactions right now and thus why they have been keeping him. They are going to keep him in the hospital until they have the infection under control and taken care of which I am hoping is quickly. His wife is definitely stressed right now and probably a tinge depressed I have noticed. New baby plus this and now the complications of this infection are taking its toll on her but she is a fighter and she is putting on a brave face for my brother. Nephew is growing and is cute as ever.


Its illegal in my country the Uk, which I am not sorry about. The less such drugs that are legal the better, and if he has an infection, that why he is feeling so bad.


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

Your nephew sounds adorable! Does he look like his dad? They change so much the first few months. 

So it is an infection. I know everyone will be glad to get him home! You all care so much for each other. That support line will continue to help him stay positive, and you guys as well. 

It is legal in our state for medicinal purposes but no way to get it yet.


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

He has my brother's deep blue eyes so he at least got the good part of my brother lol. Yeah it is an infection and it seems to be kicking the crap out of my brother but his doctors and nurses seem confident he will get to go home by sometime next week and rest up for awhile. I can only imagine how tired my SIL is right now but when I asked her if there was anything I could do today at the hospital she just gave me the cold shoulder. So I don't know what to do wanna be helpful but I can't make her take my help. Doctors seem to think he picked it up at the wedding for some reason which is bothering and Honestly don't understand that.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Justaverage said:


> He has my brother's deep blue eyes so he at least got the good part of my brother lol. Yeah it is an infection and it seems to be kicking the crap out of my brother but his doctors and nurses seem confident he will get to go home by sometime next week and rest up for awhile. I can only imagine how tired my SIL is right now but when I asked her if there was anything I could do today at the hospital she just gave me the cold shoulder. So I don't know what to do wanna be helpful but I can't make her take my help. Doctors seem to think he picked it up at the wedding for some reason which is bothering and Honestly don't understand that.


He may have done as they are a lot of people at a wedding and someone may well have had an illness of some sort, or have been just getting over something or just starting something.
She is blessed to have her parents there all the time to help isn't she.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Justaverage said:


> He has my brother's deep blue eyes so he at least got the good part of my brother lol. Yeah it is an infection and it seems to be kicking the crap out of my brother but his doctors and nurses seem confident he will get to go home by sometime next week and rest up for awhile. I can only imagine how tired my SIL is right now but when I asked her if there was anything I could do today at the hospital she just gave me the cold shoulder. So I don't know what to do wanna be helpful but I can't make her take my help. Doctors seem to think he picked it up at the wedding for some reason which is bothering and Honestly don't understand that.


I am VERY sorry for your brother's situation. My pop had cancer and took radiation and chemo. Pop was an old-school hard a$$ "by God" and I watched it zap him. He screamed, he cussed (denial) but then accepted. Mom had cancer last year and dementia robbed her of her ability to comprehend basic conversations. I remembered mom always said she would try radiation but no chemo. She saw what it did to her parents and spouse. 

Your SiL is a young mother and W. God knows the stress she is under. Yes she could use all the help she can get but.... she is insulating her H because she wants to be a good W. This is completely normal. If she openly accepted your family's help, she may feel it makes her look like a lazy / bad W. 

To you, she appears to want to be in charge. Good bet she does but would welcome all the assistance possible. She just does not want your family to look down on her as not being a good W. If your brother depended upon you more than his W, yes that would really bother his W. She may see this as a "power struggle." Give her time.... she will come around. Just let her know you are there to help in any way possible.


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

Thanks, Today wasn't the best day honestly they moved him to ICU because it is just a cleaner area and they need to be able to watch him closer. Not sure if it is normal or anything and Now I am just honestly far more worried than I normally would be one day they say he is doing great and probably going to be going home by the end of the weekend to being moved to the ICU. He didn't look any worse when I went by and was thankfully in good spirits.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Justaverage said:


> Thanks, Today wasn't the best day honestly they moved him to ICU because it is just a cleaner area and they need to be able to watch him closer. Not sure if it is normal or anything and Now I am just honestly far more worried than I normally would be one day they say he is doing great and probably going to be going home by the end of the weekend to being moved to the ICU. He didn't look any worse when I went by and was thankfully in good spirits.


Prayers to your family and brother


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

sure why not. It is only recently that a 22 year old woman is regarded as being "young and immature". LOL.

At 22 years old, my wife had 200 people in a high tech factory working for her. 

AND they are living together and she has his kid on the way I am sure she can meet the requirements of this gig.

I have seen people suffering at the end of life...I would not want to go thru that....He wants her to be able to evaluate and make those sort of decisions. I would offer to help her out thru this all, but go along with the brothers wishes.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Justaverage said:


> Yeah it is an infection and it seems to be kicking the crap out of my brother but his doctors and nurses seem confident he will get to go home by sometime next week and rest up for awhile. I can only imagine how tired my SIL is right now but when I asked her if there was anything I could do today at the hospital she just gave me the cold shoulder. So I don't know what to do wanna be helpful but I can't make her take my help. Doctors seem to think he picked it up at the wedding for some reason which is bothering and Honestly don't understand that.


His immune system would be almost non existent honey, the chemo would have taken care of that. They will have moved him to ICU because it's cleaner, and less foot traffic so less chances of germs etc. My Dad at one stage was moved from a ward to his own room, because his immune system was so low from the chemo...he was terrified about it but that's honestly all it was.

You're so right, you can't make your SIL accept your help...all you can do is offer it. If she refuses, that's on her...


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

Moving him to ICU makes sense. They also have a higher nurse to patient ratio so hopefully they don't have him on any extra extra noisy equipment. My husband spent time in ICU when he was going through cancer. Chemo and radiation suck, but it also saves lives. 

Good spirits, that sounds so wonderful. His decision to fight comes from deep within, but continues to be fueled by his family, his friends, doctors, staff ... I hope friends have kept in touch with him. 
Deep blue eyes! He sounds so beautiful. What a gift to inherit! 

Your brother meant well, but when he talked to her recently and told her to back off, it probably backfired a bit in that she is holding that against you. Men are fixers and where you just needed to be heard, he wanted to fix. Maybe a little more time and you can approach her and just give an apology with no strings attached. I would do that, considering the circumstances with her giving birth and the cancer. 

Hang in there!


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

Yeah I will try and apologize when I can get a chance to talk to her without anyone around. The one down side of the ICU though is they only allow two visitors in at a time so trying to go visit is a little b it harder than before. Yeah a lot of his friends and work buddies have been dropping by a lot and most showed up to his wedding. But Doctors and nurses still couldn't tell me when they think he is going to be able to go home but I suppose it doesn't matter as long as he keeps getting better and resting comfortably, Not that is really possible with all the machines and such hooked up to him currently.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Justaverage said:


> Yeah I will try and apologize when I can get a chance to talk to her without anyone around. The one down side of the ICU though is they only allow two visitors in at a time so trying to go visit is a little b it harder than before. Yeah a lot of his friends and work buddies have been dropping by a lot and most showed up to his wedding. But Doctors and nurses still couldn't tell me when they think he is going to be able to go home but I suppose it doesn't matter as long as he keeps getting better and resting comfortably, Not that is really possible with all the machines and such hooked up to him currently.


Apologise for what honey? Wanting to help? No - don't do that.

You all need to be patient with each other and cut each other a bit of slack, but don't apologise for offering to help them x


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

My suggestion for an apology has nothing to do with helping out. I re read what I wrote and should have explained it better.

She continues to act hurt. If you feel it could help her get past whatever might be bothering her, it might ease the situation. It's not about right or wrong. 

Justaverage, you and your brother are close. If you and sis in law get on better terms, it won't just be that you can help, but you two could become close as well. That might even ease some of her jealousy if she has ever felt left out.

I know at the moment with the incredible stress she's under after giving birth not even a month ago, she's one tough girl. And I know that because you've written about her. A sincere but simple apology is what I would do. This could help break the ice a bit and resolve some of the conflict if she's willing to discuss it. If that in turn improves things even if unspoken, I think your brother will notice! You both love him. He's worth it!

Yeah, the 2 visitors rule is more difficult. That's awesome he's got such a great network of support! I hope he's getting plenty of sleep and rest despite all the noise.

I do apologize if this seems choppy. A rough few days so I had to write it in spurts. You take care!


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Females take things the wrong way (misconstrue) from others... especially other women. This is what I would say, "xxxx if I harmed / hurt you in any way, it was in no means intended/intentional."

No I would not apologize.


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

To me, that is an apology. There's just no word "apologize". What's the difference? Their loved one is fighting for his life. Justaverage has a heart of gold it seems but anything can be misconstrued by males or females in such devastating circumstances. Her new sis in law just happens to be female. My heart truly goes out to them.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Seasong said:


> To me, that is an apology. There's just no word "apologize". *What's the difference*? Their loved one is fighting for his life. Justaverage has a heart of gold it seems but anything can be misconstrued by males or females in such devastating circumstances. Her new sis in law just happens to be female. My heart truly goes out to them.


:iagree:


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

Chuck71 said:


> :iagree:


BTW, I really liked what you wrote the other day regarding how her SIL is likely wanting to show her/family she can take care of everything. I can't see it, but it made a lot of sense.


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

No I understood what you wrote and I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time . I haven't gotten a chance to talk to her yet I didn't stop by because I was with my boyfriend and my parents called and said it wasn't a good day to visit because he wasn't doing very well and didn't want any visitors aside from his wife. Which I suppose is understandable just kinda worried that he is deteriorating like he is. But I am trusting his doctors and nurses to take care of him and get him over this hump well hopefully anyways.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Seasong said:


> BTW, I really liked what you wrote the other day regarding how her SIL is likely wanting to show her/family she can take care of everything. I can't see it, but it made a lot of sense.


My mom had two older sisters. I saw the dynamic up close. Huge difference in female/female dynamics compared to male/male and male/female.


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

Needless to say my brother is still in the hospital currently, really hoping this isn't the start of some major downward spiral of his health. But when I was able to visit he was lethargic and not as responsive as he was before which worries me but I suppose when you are battling cancer and on top of that an infection it would take a rather big toll on your body. Which I suppose is normal as normal as all of this can be right now did get to see his wife and my nephew though she seemed in a better mood overall and at least acknowledged me this time around. So I guess a bit of an improvement?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I'm so sorry for what your brother and your family are going through.

Did his oncologists have any input on the advisability of being around so many people at his wedding given his weakened immune system?


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

Yes, it takes a toll. There's no way around that. He may also be on meds that make him like that. Hopefully the end of this week he'll make some progress!!

The last time I was in the hospital it was 6 days. I was on all kinds of monitors and that crazy air pressure bed that sounds like a hissing snake every time I moved. And I have a movement disorder! At night they wake you up, blah blah... so finally I was out of pain, everyone was leaving me alone for a bit and then I slept. So when an innocent respiratory therapist came in at like not even 5 am to treat me, I came unglued. It didn't matter, that's life in the hospital.

I couldn't handle visitors for more that ten minutes, except my husband stayed with me the whole time. It's more the support. Because KNOWING people still love you, see Him, not just cancer, it matters. And knowing he's in a tough tough fight helps. Some hold fundraisers to pay hospital bills etc.

How much do you know about his dos and don'ts coming from the doctor.
Some docs have paperwork provided, others, face to face talk type.
Does it all go through the newlyweds?
His cancer is tough to treat, but uts treatable, especially since he's young and previously healthy.

Do you know what stage he has? Stage 1 2 3 4? 
Do you know if hi tumor was near an eye, etc? Or if he has more than one?

Last, that was great news to read that the wife was in a better mood and even acknowledged you! For her to be in a better mood means brother must be doing better! What are the rules in ICU for the wee one? Can she allow dad a quick peak at his little blue eyed twin in his room? Some hospitals have strict policies. Others understand as long as dad has no current fever.

I'm convinced the problem grew like it did because of the yucky word cancer, and secondary having baby right in the turmoil. I hope none of her friends or family tried to influence her to not marry him. That would put a wall up!
I hope his smile will soon melt worries away when you have him in front of you!

Take care of you, and give the boyfriend some extra hugs!!


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

He has stage 3 and last I knew/heard his tumor was above his left eye on the front of his brain. I knew his doctors gave him the okay for the wedding but they didn't want him to push himself and that if he got overwhelmed or overtired his doctors told him to cut it short then but as we know he didn't and pushed through it for the sake of his wedding day. I am not sure of his new do's and don'ts other than not pushing himself and overexerting himself. His Doctors are more of face to face but I do know there are some paper work I just haven't seen it because of how distant my brothers wife has been and I haven't been over to their place in awhile. Most of her friends really like my brother and have been incredibly supportive but there are those couple of friends that I know were not thrilled with her marrying my brother and did try and talk her out of it but it clearly didn't work, Love is an incredibly strong thing and theirs is unbreakable so far anyways. And he hasn't been able to see his son since he was moved to the ICU which is really unfortunate but his doctors and nurses won't budge on it. But when I went by today he did look a little bit better and his nurses said he has been improving so I guess monday isn't so bad after all.


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

As hard as it is, it's safer for the baby not to be in the ICU. He'll see him very soon!
I'm glad he was doing better yesterday! To hear he's improving is that much sweeter! You guys will have to make him behave. He might not try to push remembering this timeout in the hospital.
Friends may mean well, but as long as they backed away when she said what she knew was was best for her, and them (as a couple and family). Not everyone is cut out for in sickness. 
Having family and friends, and their baby boy (as hard work as he is right now) will also help them. Who goes with her on the visits to sit with the baby?


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

No, they haven't backed off and it is indeed causing his new wife some undo stress which isn't needed right now. Sorry I didn't respond yesterday brother was in an extremely bad spot yesterday and a lot of different things were hitting the fan but he is doing much better today. Doctors are thinking he will be able to go home by this weekend, but now he will be a few weeks behind on treatments so I am not sure how his cancer is going to react to that.


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

She should cut those "friends" loose! :loser: :scratchhead:
I will be back tomorrow with more to say on that. Another rough day. 

Getting to go home this weekend will be great if they release him. Make sure to arrange for stair climbing helpers. 
Is there a local cancer support group for caregivers or family?


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Her focus is to be a W and mother. Again... she wants to "be there for him." She means well, very well. In crisis, she will not call on you / family being this is a "trial by fire" for her. Hopefully things will become stable and she will be more approachable. What she is doing, is 110% normal. Is it to benefit ALL, no but is it with good intentions..... yes it is.


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

Hospice? Can they come in a few times a week to assist? They usually do. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Chuck71 said:


> Her focus is to be a W and mother. Again... she wants to "be there for him." She means well, very well. In crisis, she will not call on you / family being this is a "trial by fire" for her. Hopefully things will become stable and she will be more approachable. What she is doing, is 110% normal. Is it to benefit ALL, no but is it with good intentions..... yes it is.


They live with her parents, so I expect they will be helping out a lot with the baby etc, especially while she visits her husband. Also her mum may well be doing all the cooking and housework and washing etc, so she is getting a lot of help.


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

I have already suggested hospice to them and his wife and my brother have turned it down. She is also getting a lot of help from everyone so it isn't like she is in this alone and not able to do anything, I mean Grandma has been watching over my nephew a lot lately But mostly only because he is in the hospital. I also told her awhile ago that she needed to cut these friends off because they were not true friends for more than a few reasons. Doctors think Sunday he should be able to go home but they aren't making any promises and nor would I want them to if they can't keep it. But my brother is doing so much better then he was can't possibly thank his doctors and nurses enough.


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

I am still not strong enough to type much. 
You're right about not going home until he's well enough.
I'm glad he's doing better! I bet he can't wait to see his son!


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

I found a great group on Facebook called The lymphoma club. I scrolled down and found this inspiring post. Never give up! The group also has a way can connect with someone his age and same diagnosis if you wish. That is private. They have a form to fill out online for that. Open group.

Here is the post. Never give up! This is my first attempt at uploading a screenshot!
Well, I couldn't upload it! Go to that page and look for the post from yesterday with an 87 year old man who had the same diagnosis as your brother. He was told he was too old to get treated! He's been in remission for two years. Obviously they sought a second opinion! 

I tried again to add it here but it doesn't like my iPad I guess!


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

Welp brother is finally home after what seems like forever he spent in the hospital. He couldn't make it up the stairs so he slept on the couch but he said it was still a hundred times more comfortable than the hospital bed. And thank you for the suggestions he is already in a few support groups just not sure if he has been totally active as of late which is understandable. His wifes friends stopped by earlier today and I honestly can't stand them and I don't know why she keeps them around, she will keep around people whom harbor ill will towards my brother but doesn't want me around to help her and my brother and nephew when I hold nothing but love for them all. Just doesn't make sense to me, but ya know what do I know?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Justaverage said:


> Welp brother is finally home after what seems like forever he spent in the hospital. He couldn't make it up the stairs so he slept on the couch but he said it was still a hundred times more comfortable than the hospital bed. And thank you for the suggestions he is already in a few support groups just not sure if he has been totally active as of late which is understandable. His wifes friends stopped by earlier today and I honestly can't stand them and I don't know why she keeps them around, she will keep around people whom harbor ill will towards my brother but doesn't want me around to help her and my brother and nephew when I hold nothing but love for them all. Just doesn't make sense to me, but ya know what do I know?


I'm very sorry you and your family are going through this. It is very hard when someone you love is in such a dire situation.

Hopefully this will go into remission and he will recover, but if he does not, he will need a will to make sure that your family has visitation with the child or you will have to go to court for it. There is no guarantee that it would be granted if you end up in court. But if he has it in his will and includes that if anything happened to the child's mother than he wants your family to have guardianship of the child, that will hold a lot of strength in court and should help you have rights to have a relationship with the child.


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

Sorry I haven't updated this in a few days a lot of crap hit the fan so to speak, a lot of family infighting. Those friends of my brothers wife went over to see her the other day and blatantly said she should divorce my brother before things get any worse and that there is no point in here sticking by someone who is dying or might die and that she doesn't need all of this stress between an infant and trying to take care of my brother. Apparently, my brother overheard this and things blew up so he called me to try and come get him but he has no strength right now and his wife was upset with both of us for him thinking he needed to leave and because he knows better than to think she would ever do anything like that. And at me for even bothering to come over knowing the shape he is in. And I am pretty upset with her because my brother called me and was upset and asked me to come over so naturally, I am gonna do that for him. It isn't like I have some ill will towards her or anything I was just trying to help my brother when he called me asking for it. Ugh, Like any of us needed more stress and fighting.


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

I was just coming to check things. I'm so sorry to know this has happened. How is your brother now?


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

That should really show her that she needs to let go of those friends. Your poor brother! How should he know that when he's in such a weakened state? 

I'm so sorry things got that stressful. 

Does she have any siblings?


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

My brother is pretty angry still which is understandable but he is also not in a place physically or mentally to really deal with this. She has an older sister and a younger brother.


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

Since she has a brother and a sister, she should be able to relate to some degree that you are there for each other.

I hope he can let this go as long as those girls (?) stay away physically, on social media, phones, no contact.

He can't afford stress or anger as it drains him further. I hope she can work something out with you for the sake of her husband, daddy, and also known as your brother. Make peace for the sake of his health.

Boost his self esteem. When I feel bad, I think to myself some pitiful thoughts now and then. I have very little time to give in to that because I love my family and friends and they love me! I have a disease that's vert different that what your brother has, but the will to live, the treasured feeling that your family and friends have your back. When you get that stressed, it takes a deeper toll on the body. Awful feelings swirling around his head best get knocked out asap!
What is running through his head right now? Does he believe her? Has his feeling of security been shattered. She can make that up if he will allow it.
Ditch the chicks,
Work on you two,
Then on the three of you
Watch for depression 
When he expresses fear, offer to call the doctor to get his numbers, give him whatever hope there is. Or find things that either sooth or inspire him, like quotes or catch phrases. The groups and websites are more used by family, caregivers and a few who have energy between chemo, or in remission. Nothing to make him feel worse about himself, but enough to keep fighting.
Build him up and build her up as well, if she earns it!
Anger and stress will deplete energy he doesn't even have, so she'd better be making things right!
I hope those stinkers don't come back. She should enforce it!
I hope things get worked out! I said a prayer for you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Justaverage said:


> Sorry I haven't updated this in a few days a lot of crap hit the fan so to speak, a lot of family infighting. Those friends of my brothers wife went over to see her the other day and blatantly said she should divorce my brother before things get any worse and that there is no point in here sticking by someone who is dying or might die and that she doesn't need all of this stress between an infant and trying to take care of my brother. Apparently, my brother overheard this and things blew up so he called me to try and come get him but he has no strength right now and his wife was upset with both of us for him thinking he needed to leave and because he knows better than to think she would ever do anything like that. And at me for even bothering to come over knowing the shape he is in. And I am pretty upset with her because my brother called me and was upset and asked me to come over so naturally, I am gonna do that for him. It isn't like I have some ill will towards her or anything I was just trying to help my brother when he called me asking for it. Ugh, Like any of us needed more stress and fighting.


With friends like that who need enemies. :surprise: What sort of evil people are they who advise others to abandon a seriously ill spouse?? That's just sick.


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

Yeah, my brother is still really angry his wife has made strides to cut them off and cut contact with him but now I feel like my brother is maybe overreacting but I can't say for certain. Those so called friends have never been great fans of my brother and have always enjoyed stirring up drama. Was really surprised when his wife called me today asking for my advice on how to deal with my brother's anger and how to get him to calm down and talk to her without yelling at her. Apparently whatever I told her helped a lot but like I said he is still angry.


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

Overall, has the cancer or chemo had an affect on his personality? I'm sure it has, so to what extent I would think this might have something to do with his reaction.

I hope he has been able to let it go. Holding a grudge will only feed his anger. Then it stays all about him. The cancer is all about him. The relationship and marriage is not about the cancer. And then they add the baby and he's not about the cancer! Yet it hangs over their lives. All over your lives. No room for anger at his wife-- he can direct that to the tumor at his next chemo and help blast it away!

It's such a touch fight. He can't let those girls stay in his head! 
Does she have better friends? I hope so!
By the way, that was great that she called you! Don't let him feel sorry for himself. He can't afford it.
She needs support as well and he needs to remember her wonderful qualities too. That's hard if you're holding a grudge. I really hope things are better today. 

Fight the cancer, not with family, lol!


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

His personality has changed a little bit probably more but I haven't honestly noticed until he got angry towards his wife and wanted nothing to do with her for the past couple of days. He isn't like that or wasn't anyway's the guy I knew that loved that young lady more than anything wouldn't stay angry at her for more than a few minutes. Tried to get him to not be so angry with her when I went over and took him his favorite food to eat but he even pushed me away not used to that.


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

Oh dear! He is really angry. I'm sure he truly feels betrayed, but it's possible the cancer and chemo have caused some changes. 
If no changes by Monday, a call to the doctor would be wise. 

You well know he's lost everything thing surrounding independence and health. It's easy to feel trapped because, well, he is.
Anger could be masking depression so be careful. His thoughts could get dark.

If he can feel safe again, he won't have those thoughts. It makes me wonder exactly what they said!! Tell her to keep a thick skin if she can. She needs to feel safe with him as well.


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

I have seen my brother depressed and it was a dark dark time one that almost ended badly, I don't think this is that but I could be wrong I suppose. Just Will warn his wife to try and keep a close eye on him not that she isn't already doing that and like you said try and keep a thick skin and not allow anything he says to bother her or hurt her in anyway.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> With friends like that who need enemies. :surprise: What sort of evil people are they who advise others to abandon a seriously ill spouse?? That's just sick.


WHAT the actual F??? Is SHE also into thinking of divorcing him? or is it just her douche bag toxic relatives/friends saying that stuff? THis changes everything....maybe she should NOT be allowed to be the health care advocate at all. Make up a new health care proxy, make many copies, and get your brother to sign it making you the decider. Then drop them off at the local hospital and his doctor's office, keep a couple copies yourself, etc.


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

That's about all you can do at this point. If nothing has changed, might be a good idea to let his doctors know about this, since it's out of character for him. He can't just go and blow off steam. And yet he's fighting a disease that's affecting his neurological system, so they might be able to treat it medically. They should know that overhearing some bad news triggered it. 

I hope if he's on an antidepressant he's still taking it. If they didn't have him on it in the hospital, THAT could account for the over the top reaction! Sometimes if you forget the pills, stuff like this can happen.

Does she have other friends that aren't like this? Friends that he can trust?

Check to see if he's skipped any pills. Did they have him on insulin or anything in the hospital that could cause this? 
Again, my guess is if it's meds, it would make sense regarding the anger not having an antidepressant in his system if he's been taking one for awhile. And if that's the case, call the doctor anyway.


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

Found out he hasn't been taking his antidepressants and that is why he has been having such a hard strong reaction to this. But now trying to get him to take them has been a bit of a struggle and a fight, as he feels he doesn't need them and is having a fine reaction and deserves to be upset with what happened.


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

Oh my, so it is that. I hope he's back on them. He's punishing himself and he doesn't understand the full extent. Has she called his doctors? 

Is he trying to push her away and prove those girls right? His brain isn't working right at the moment. You said he would never stay mad at her. 

He's mad at the cancer. He needs to be reminded of that. Not to give up. How is she holding up? How are you?


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

No but I told her she has to call tomorrow morning ASAP, and to not be afraid of admitting him back into the hospital until he is stable again on his meds. He is trying very hard to push everyone away I went over again at his wifes request to try and talk to him and he felt like I was taking her side and the side of her ex-friends, Me of all people now I know he isn't thinking straight. She is worried as am I, I am very very worried he doesn't need this right after fighting a bad infection this isn't where he should be putting what little energy he has into.


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

My heart surely goes out to you all. The abrupt withdrawal compounded the issue no doubt. He can still beat this so don't give up! The most helpful medicine can have the most awful side effects. 

I'm sure the doctor will be able to help him get back on his meds. That's the first step. Then he'll realize EXACTLY how loved he is. He knows it now, but it's much, much tougher through the thick of this trauma. I hope he can get some counseling. It would help them both as a married couple. I hope she's holding up okay. You, too!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Oh wow, that's not a good update JA. I'm so sorry to hear your brother is now battling depression on top of everything.

He needs to be back on his meds, so that he can see clearly. He also needs someone to talk to who's not family...someone that he doesn't feel he needs to protect from how he's really feeling. He needs to be able to express his anger at how unfair this situation is, how frightened he is, how frustrated he is at the loss of independence and to some degree his manhood. He has a new wife, new baby and is unable to work to provide for them, and he's living in his inlaws house. Those are huge things for a man to cope with - he's likely feeling (albeit unnecessarily) like an all round failure 

My heart goes out to all of you, as you go through this horrendous time xx


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

Thinking of you all!


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

I hope this shows up. I'm not sure what the mood is like at your houses right now, but I thought I would give you the choice to look at this and share it maybe with some of your loved ones if the might get a chance to watch this man tell his story.

It will be on NBC nightly news tomorrow. I plan to watch it. 
A relative of mine just got to ring the bell for end of chemo. She Nearly a year with break of chemo/ radiation for 6 weeks, then a bit of a break for tests. Then chemo every other week for 9 moths. Since she's stage four, she will have to do maintenance one a month. But she is loving life and all her family, friends and her medical team that helped her fight. 

I hope your brother gets his fight back!

I accidentally uploaded an uncrossed screenshot and my name and pic were there, and when I removed the image, it wouldn't let me reattach. Sigh. I hope you can watch, but I know you guys are having it rough.

DImas Padilla's story of resilience, faith and how he won his third and almost fatal battle with cancer actually put him in remission and how he's doing now.


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

Thinking good thoughts and saying a prayer for your brother and your family, @Justaverage . Check in when you can!


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

Sorry I haven't updated in awhile things got rather bad so bad that I thought my brother was going to seriously harm himself. But we were able to talk him back off of that ledge and even had his two best friends come over and got him to agree to take his meds again. So things have calmed down a bit but still really on edge but aside from the depression he is getting his energy back a bit. Never seen an entire family rally around him like I have seen lately even friends and its just amazes me and I am so very thankful and very thankful for you all on here as well.


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

Oh, thank you so much for that amazing update! You are right, it's so good to have family and friends rally around a true friend who needs a reminder of how worthy he is, and to keep going. Even when you don't think you want to. 
He knows you all have his back no matter what. Hopefully the meds will start working like before and that plus his energy will get him in full mode to hit up his next round of chemo.
He will most likely stay vulnerable for awhile. She may need a thick skin to accept that. So have those friends in place, and be there for her if he triggers in the future. How is she now?

For now, one day at a time. How is your nephew? Is he smiling? Has he stayed healthy? Thanks again so much for the update!!!


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

My nephew is growing so much it is really incredible and yes he is healthy and loved holy smokes is he adored and spoiled. I can tell his wife is worried I overheard her in the bathroom today sobbing but I didn't say anything or barge in and try and console her and I feel guilty for not but I also felt like she needed some alone time. Brother has a bunch of doctors appointments come Friday so we will see how those go so far still good on taking his meds and everything he seems better but we will see how long it lasts I am kind of worried he might just be giving up but I think he can't with all the support he has here.


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

I just typed a long message and something went wrong! I will redo it tomorrow!

Yes, he's still unsteady from the antidepressants not fully working... so keep encouraging him to plan on living. He's young, he can't beat this! Support to his wife too! More tomorrow!

Your nephew sounds too cute! They start to really come to life now!!


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

I forgot I have some medical scans tomorrow and will be getting super early so check in if you can! And I will write what I lost last night tomorrow. Your brother is so worth it! He's better off in this world, so step up with him and get the fight in him. Learn what inspires him, and what irritates him. I'Ve got more ideas. I'm fading fast to Lala land


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

Need to find something that makes him feel like himself again and remembers who he is. He had an outburst today and said he wanted to a divorce which broke his wife down but I could tell he didn't mean it and that he is just frustrated with things. Sat him down and reminded him of how much he loves her and that I know he didn't mean it and that he shouldn't say things like that. So I guess you could say things are going at a one step forward two steps back kind of pace I suppose.


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

Sometimes this happens when the sick person thinks he is becoming the martyr. He thinks he's thinking of her? He overheard some awful things, and they're still in his head. Poor girl! I'm glad you could talk to him. He needs to be watched taking his meds! Friday can't come soon enough. Hugs to you all! Keep doing what you're doing, and include her as well. She could end up depressed as well.
He knows how much the right ones care. She made the same vow as him and with family, she won't have to take care of him and an infant alone while he gets treatment!


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

Checking in with you, @Justaverage


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

Thanks just not a lot of time between work and my own personal life and trying to help my brothers wife with him Not sure how long he hasn't ben taking his anti-depressants but he still hasn't leveled out and gotten back to himself. The mood swings have been intense to say the least, But if we have found one thing that calms him down instantly and that has been bringing him his son and letting him hold him. Don't know what it is but it has worked like clockwork almost every time.


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

Is he still sleeping on the couch? Perhaps at the doctors tomorrow you can bring up how difficult the stairs are, and they can order him a bed so he won't need to sleep on the couch. It'll be a lot more comfortable. Patients who can't do stairs do it all the time. 

I'm so glad his son brings him absolute joy! Make a shirt or a few buttons and on his picture write. "My daddy fights for me!" Anything to motivate him! You guys are hanging in there doing your best!

I wish you the best tomorrow with all his appointments. Hopefully they can get him on a better plan with his mental health along with everything else. I'll be checking in for an update regarding his doctor visit or whatever update you choose. Stay positive as best as you can!


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

He has been sleeping on the couch by choice he has had the energy the past few days to get up and down the stairs as he wants but doesn't want to sleep in the same bed as his wife. I feel like he is still trying to push her away for some reason but he won't tell me why and hasn't opened up to his wife either. And yes tomorrow is going to be incredibly busy with all of the doctors appointments I will be running him to.


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

God I was so exhausted from Friday, His doctors prescribed him a few different things and are hopeful this should straighten himself back out and his next treatment has been scheduled for the 20th. I am just hoping he is ready for it mentally and physically. His wife actually opened up about how close of an eye she has been keeping on him and also been having to remind him to take the meds even to a pester kind of point. I am hoping tomorrow will brighten his mood up considerably as we are going to have a big family and friends dinner tomorrow night. Just hoping it works and doesn't backfire with how antisocial he has been as of late.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Justaverage said:


> God I was so exhausted from Friday, His doctors prescribed him a few different things and are hopeful this should straighten himself back out and his next treatment has been scheduled for the 20th. I am just hoping he is ready for it mentally and physically. His wife actually opened up about how close of an eye she has been keeping on him and also been having to remind him to take the meds even to a pester kind of point. I am hoping tomorrow will brighten his mood up considerably as we are going to have a big family and friends dinner tomorrow night. Just hoping it works and doesn't backfire with how antisocial he has been as of late.


Do you think he will be ok for such a big social event?


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

Good that they switched his meds around and set up his new date for the chemo. 
I'm glad she was able to fully open up to you. He will be thankful later!
Hopefully if he does get overwhelmed from everyone, it will be in a good way. As long as he listens to his body and doesn't push himself, and everyone is respectful it might do him some good. 
If he can look at his son and still find joy, then maybe he can understand how those who have seen him grow up can feel the same way!

A note of caution though would be the risk again for another infection.


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

The get togeather worked for well as long as people were here but once family and friends left he went back to be standoffish with everyone and just wanting to be left alone. He has honestly never been so antisocial like this before hoping it is just the depression and that once he gets back to being leveled out on his meds he will go back to being his happy self. Otherwise we are in for a long slow recovery not that we aren't already on that road just will be more difficult and slow.


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

How many more treatments does he have left? Has he had any radiation?

I hope the meds work soon! Has he lost interest in showering or changing clothes (basic hygiene)? I hope he didn't misinterpret what those girls said thinking his wife said it (or misheard who was speaking). He can keep hope for his son for now.


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

Seasong said:


> How many more treatments does he have left? Has he had any radiation?
> 
> I hope the meds work soon! Has he lost interest in showering or changing clothes (basic hygiene)? I hope he didn't misinterpret what those girls said thinking his wife said it (or misheard who was speaking). He can keep hope for his son for now.


One more and yes he has had radiation. 

Well when he had little to no energy he couldn't get in and out of the bathtub/shower without help from his wife and now that he has had some energy return and now that he can do it alone his hygiene has been going down the toilet so to speak. I have just wrote it off as his depression and that when he gets leveled off on the meds things will go back to normal. His wife told me he isn't interested in sex sooooo I guess it is still depression but I don't know. I know his wife talked to the doctors alone about these things and they changed up his meds I am assuming as a result. I know he has shown some resentment towards her but it has been getting better the last couple of days.


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

That's great news just one more treatment! "Just" really isn't the right word but you know what I mean!
And good to hear the new meds seem to be working! Good thing he's got such loving family to back him up. Never give up!


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

Yeah Everyone is really ready for this whole ordeal to be over and sorry I haven't checked in, in a few days. Just been a very eventful weekend with Easter and all. My brother and his wife and nephew make a really cute family when they can manage not to want to kill one another or when my brother isn't seriously considering divorce, Yeah it was one of those down weekends at least until today when something in him snapped and he was back to being the guy I know. And turned into that loving and caring family guy who is enamored with his son. Not sure if meds are starting to work or if he just got out of the funk he was in.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Your brother may well be depressed JA, or it could simply be that he is so weak from the chemo that he literally can't care for himself - showering etc. Knowing that he'll be wiped out for the rest of the day from it probably makes it all too hard to even bother. Chemo is a shocker...it really does a number on a person.

It could also be a combination of both of the above...

How are you coping? And your parents? Did you all get together over Easter?


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

Yes, we had a big family get togeather and about the only time he has been in a decent mood was on easter like I said before that Sunday he kept saying he wanted a divorce ext. Oh I am coping about as well as I can I guess some of the things his wife has opened up to me about have been deep and others are on that TMI area because it is my brother and all. Parents are stressed they defiantly are worried about him between the infection and how he was running around carrying his son Sunday they worry he will overdue it. But they are about the most level headed people I know and have been going through this much better then everyone else which has been surprising. See if he goes back to being depressed or if he can keep being happy and back to normal when I go over to see them tomorrow.


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

Hopefully all goes well tomorrow for his last session! You all will be in my thoughts and prayers tomorrow! 
I'm so glad you and your sis in law got a lot closer, as she did really need your help. Brother's the one who'd really be mortified I'm sure, regarding the tmi issues. Caregivers have some tough things to push through and handle. Soon enough and you all can breathe for awhile!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

How are things today JA?


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

Not well, Brother is in the hospital and is remaining there for awhile last treatment did a number on him that is for sure. But now we wait and see if he has the cancer beat and if not, not sure where it goes from here. Everyone is on edge though his wife most of all and also hoping for the best and believing that he has this beat. Other then that honestly not sure what to say I am so on edge and worried and yet also excited at the possibility that he probably has this beat and we can move on from this very dark time.


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## heartbroken50 (Aug 9, 2016)

Been lurking on your thread for a while... but just wanted to let you know your family is in my prayers. I do hope that your brother has this beat.

Mr HB is battling cancer as well so your story hits close to home.




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

How is he doing? Sorry, I've been too weak to type but I've been thinking about you all!

When does he go in for his scans? I know, excitement all around!! The thought of moving on is wonderful.


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

Things are Ok Wouldn't say they are well by any stretch of the imagination. He and his wife seem to be getting more distant well not by his wifes choice anyways and so still waiting for him to snap out of this crap he is in . But his scans will take place on May 10th, Hoping for the best preparing for the worst. Everyone is on edge hoping and praying he has this thing beat.


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

If he can't be convinced to get some marriage counseling she should go and get some treatment herself to get started. Is he out of the hospital?
They've been through so much in such a short period of time. Hopefully positive scan results will ease pressure and help him mentally. However, even if the news is great, he may stay on the edge for a while, even if he doesn't verbalize it. I know May can't On my way! Soon enough!


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

Yeah it really can't, It is ironic and funny I used to be so concerned and didn't like his wife because I wasn't sure of her motives or intentions and now I am the one that likes her and has grown kind of close with her and now my brothers marriage seems to be falling apart over something her friends said that he still believes she said or agrees with. I suggested marriage counseling but he balked at it and it only made him angry. I have also tried sitting him down and explaining that she has cut those friends off as he clearly can see as they are not around anymore and that she cares for him a lot as evidence of having his child and sticking with him through these extremely rough times so he needs to man up and get past this crap and get back to the guy I know and love his very loyal wife. And well he responded in a way that caught me off guard and he told me to get out and not come back. So like I said things are rough at home right now and I am not sure what to make of what is going on with my brother.


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

Oh that is really heartbreaking. What do your parents and her parents think of his behavior? I wonder if part of it is from the chemo or radiation? Does he talk about dying or does he see a future? 

Seriously, those girls were beyond cruel. For that alone, he could use some therapy. I was seeing a therapist who specializes in life altering or life ending disease / conditions.
They help you wrap your brain around the different you. They don't let you have a pity party per say, but how to live while you still have life. Not to give up.

He needs a doctor to evaluate him to see if it's regular depression or something related to his treatment,

I'm glad you and her had gotten close! I could tell you would be friends eventually. My sis in law to my ex is like my own sister!

Hang on and certainly sis has a soft spot in my heart as well as you!


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

Sorry I have taken so long to respond been busy with family and my boyfriend and dealing with my brother. Got him into therapy after a good long while of fighting and he has started to even out mood wise with his depression and mood swings have also stopped a good bit. Everyone has been really concerned about him and we finally got him like I said earlier to go into therapy and some marriage counseling as well. But that is it about it until we get his scans back and see if he is in the clear.


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

@Justaverage , I hope you all have steady nerves for the scans tomorrow. 

Is he making any improvements? Any progress as a couple that you've noticed or she's let you know? I hope you all have been doing better. You have been in my thoughts!


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

So he is in remission that is the good news, Bad news he asked his wife for a divorce, Good news he is extremely excited to get back to work a job he loves and is pretty excited for. But back to the divorce, I am not sure where he is coming back with that he and she were starting to get back on some decent footing with one another and then at dinner after we got the news his cancer was in remission he dropped that bombshell onto her. Still kind of in shock with what he asked her and put her to tears and also excited and happy his cancer is in remission and I feel guilty about that happiness after what she is going through.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Good grief, they have only just got married. What are his reasons? Does he really want to be separated from his son? What reasons will he give legally for a divorce?
It almost seems that when he was vulnerable he wanted to marry her, and now he is feeling better he doesn't.


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

Great relief to hear his cancer is in remission! That's fantastic!!!

Your dilemma in your very first post here was that you were concerned that your brother was proposing out of fear due to his cancer and not love. Sigh. Whatever the case, cancer, childbirth and youth are hard on any marriage. Add all three, start them off like that and they had no time for fun. They only saw each other at their worst. Unless he overheard more than what those girls said... it sounds like he needs way more therapy!

Regardless, that's pretty awful to celebrate remission and then ask for a divorce! That poor girl!


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## Justaverage (Jan 24, 2017)

I called him out on him and told him he was being a prick and needed to cut his **** and man up and stay with the women I know he loves and the women that stood by him through some of his worst times. But they are both in marriage therapy and he is in solo therapy as well and he has started to at least get even out on his meds and I have noticed slight improvements. I am angry at myself for distrusting my SIL though she is a fantastic young lady and an awesome mother and wife, Just had to get to know one another and bond and now we are very close. Brother isn't exactly been wanting to see me since I just flat out told him to grow a set and get over what those girls said and move on. But oh well he needed to hear it from someone and better to of heard it from me right?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yes he needed to hear it from you. Is anyone else telling him the same thing? 

You are being a good brother to him. Keep it up.


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