# Help! - want opinions.



## ghiom

*Help! - want opinions. FROM A WOMAN.*

WOULD LOVE A WOMANS OPINION! 


Where to begin.... PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR OPINIONS. 

Me and my wife first got together Ten years ago. At the start of our relationship, I was a sumbag. I cheated, lied, did everything someone shouldn't within a relationship. I did this on and off until, despite the fact we weren't trying for a baby, she had an ectopic and on that day I decided no more! A couple of months later, I asked her to marry me. 

We now have two children, 5 and 3, and our relationship has been hard due to the strains that children bring and she has always carried resentment from these early times... But we have shared great times also and I love her deeply. 

For the last couple of years we got to the point we would barely touch, we had sex maybe ten times in four years. This was very much led by her pulling away. One year ago, I was away on business, and I slept with someone. This was a one night stand while very very drunk and I regretted it so much. I came home and tried so hard, but despite the fact, she didn't know what had happened, she was just gone. Pulled away when I touched her, snarled at me over nothing. Then three months later was told my wife had HPV, which I believe could only have come from my cheating. So I admitted to my one nightstand. 

Sins then we have been going to counselling and trying to fix it as we do have a lot to lose.
Our friendship, despite all of this, is fantastic, and we are still best friends. It's a real relationship we don't have. I have been trying to make it better as I love her deeply. At the start of our relationship, I was a dishonest *******, when I had this one night stand, I made a massive, drunken mistake. I have not done anything else between these points. But of course, she still remembers the start and it must be hard for her to see the difference between the 2. She has, however, said she doesn't think the 1-night stand isn't fully my fault and it would have happened to one of us at some point due to the state of our relationship. 

Three weeks ago, I felt our relationship was miles better. We were so much closer and thought we had turned a corner. Then she once again pulled away, didn't want to touch etc. Then told me on Friday morning she wanted a trial separation, which developed to wanting a divorce by lunchtime. Now she is once again saying she wants a trial separation, she needs time to know what she wants. 

She has also told me she has been having an emotional affair with someone at work for the past two months. This isn't because I haven't been giving her something but that she is withdrawn from me to the point that she cant receive what I am offering.

I also saw she had been googling why woman want to have affairs, so she is thinking about it at the very least. 

I believe she has kind of caught herself in this behaviour and called for the trial separation before she did something that was out of her character. 

I am more than willing to give her the time she needs.... 

I can't tell you how deeply I love this person, despite all the bad and not great times. I see her for who she is, I helped her get into this rut with my actions and I feel guilty for it. I want to help her get out of it even if it isn't with me. 

At the same time, I have now spent years with someone who hasn't wanted to touch me or barely had any interest in any aspect of me at all. and I deserve more.... I just hope she can see me for who I am without this withdrawal, because I know how fantastic she can be. and I believe our relationship could be that also. 


I guess what I am asking is.... Has too much happened? Is our relationship just gone or can relationships be salvaged in the midst of all these terrible things?


----------



## Tilted 1

We'll, you checked out first and she in turn did the same but once a woman has emotions for another man. SHE'S CHECKED OUT!

And the chance of recovery is slim to slim. But to be fair in your ten yrs of marriage she could have been having a emotional connection, but now it is fully exposed. So because of your infidelity, your able to live with her knowing it could have been physical on her side also. 

People are sexual creatures if, she likes sex then she saw shagging you possibly all this time. Can you live knowing she had sex with another man.


----------



## SunCMars

I suspected and have thus, my thoughts, mind-confirmed, ah, that she has been doing her own wayward 'exploring'. 

Longer than you think, mind you. 

That is why she did not get very angry at your cheating admission. She is/was on the same slippery slope.

A funny thing...

With 'some' couples, very same things happen to both, concurrently.

People, some couples are linked tightly, impacted by similar occurrences.

You subconsciously sensed her situation, or she yours, and one of you followed the other, down that same muddy path.

Married people, can often read each others minds, mind you.

So, what is to be done?

I know you love her, but it does not 'seem' to be reciprocated. And not for a long bloody period.

Hence, whence, beg her back.....not.

Do not the "Pick me, Dear" do, that dance.
Nope.

Let her go, see if she wises up. 

If she has not taken the plunge from an emotional affair, EA, to a physical affair, PA, you have a chance.
Yes, albeit, a very small one.

If the man whom she is emotionally involved with has plunged his stake into her nether region, all bets are against her coming back.

All that time where she was cold and not receptive to love-making can now become suspect.
These were Red Flag, flying days.



KB-


----------



## Lostinthought61

i guarantee you that if you let this trial separation happen she will sleep with the coworker...look if she has checked out then let her go...tell her that you will be filing....and tell her that if she needs time to figure out what she wants she can do that but you will do the same and by filing you can always stop later but understand she will have sex with that person.


----------



## turnera

Best thing you can do is work more with the marriage therapist to try to rekindle whatever's there - but also to talk to the therapist about her emotional affair; let her hear from the professional what it's doing to the marriage. Let her see you humble and contrite and willing to do anything to save the marriage. But don't just lie down and let her cheat on you.


----------



## SunCMars

​


turnera said:


> Best thing you can do is work more with the marriage therapist to try to rekindle whatever's there - but also to talk to the therapist about her emotional affair; let her hear from the professional what it's doing to the marriage. Let her see you humble and contrite and willing to do anything to save the marriage. But don't just lie down and let her cheat on you.



A mature answer. :smile2:

Still snoop, still verify, silently.

Do not confront. See where her loyalties lie.

As of yet, they lie, not at home. :frown2:


----------



## Arkansas

you were a man who's #1 responsibility was to be honest, truthful, dedicated, trustworthy and above all LOVING and you failed over and over

"This was very much led by her pulling away."

don't do that, don't even do that


YOU messed it all up and YOU need to own it ............ and if she wants to leave you I don't blame her one bit. Fight for her if you need to, but never ever EVER blame her for all the damages you've done


----------



## MJJEAN

Looks to me like you are a serial cheater and she tried to stay, but figured out she has options and may have decided staying with a serial cheater isn't what she wants.


----------



## Blondilocks

MJJEAN said:


> Looks to me like you are a serial cheater and she tried to stay, but figured out she has options and may have decided staying with a serial cheater isn't what she wants.


A serial cheater who gave her a life-long STD.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

Lostinthought61 said:


> i guarantee you that if you let this trial separation happen she will sleep with the coworker...


Yeah....I think we're probably a little too late for that. 



> I made a massive, drunken mistake.


Own your ****. Stop trying to blame your scumbag behavior on booze. You did what you did because you *wanted* to do it. Booze just loosened you up a bit - what they call 'liquid encouragement' - so you could have some game and feel a little more confident hitting on the ladies and getting some side action. You knew exactly what you were doing and you obviously had no guilt about having done it because you came home and acted like all was just fine with the world and like an idiot you infected your wife with your STD. You continued lying to her face and not admitting what you'd done while you were gone - until she was diagnosed by her gynecologist and you *couldn't* lie to her anymore. Otherwise, you would have lied to her face til the day she died. What a prince.

Why on earth this woman didn't leave you the second she got that diagnosis is truly a mystery to me. Then again, something tells me she WAS planning on leaving - just not *yet*. 

When a woman is done, she's done. However, as is often the case when a spouse leaves for their affair partner, she may leave only to find out life with her new Romeo isn't _*quite*_ the Shangri-La the two fools thought it would be, and then she'll come crawling back home to you, telling you all about how wonderful you are and what a mistake she made and how it's YOUUUUUU she's always loved and blah blah blah.

And fools that most betrayed spouses are, they actually fall for that crap and take these worthless people back. Just like you will.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

Blondilocks said:


> A serial cheater who gave her a life-long STD.


Be still my beating heart...


----------



## MattMatt

*Re: Help! - want opinions. FROM A WOMAN.*

Gosh, @ghiom this whole thing is a bit of a mess, isn't it?

So, what do you want to happen?

Do you think counselling would be of benefit?

Please give me a rough clue as to your location so that I can offer your country specific links to services that might be of help to you and your wife.


----------

