# Need to know



## tug (Sep 1, 2013)

My relationship is over with my g/f and living in her house knowing that we dont have a future is excruciating. Due to my health issues I cant just move anywhere, I have to be very selective and cautious about where I move to. 

That being said does anyone else here wonder how bad or how long the cheating went on and fill the need to find out the truth? 

Due to my illiness I cant go out much which means I have allot of free time to dwell on my ex's indiscretions and even though I know its going to hurt even more I need to know who she slept with, where and when? She'll never tell me the truth for a number of reasons but I need to truth so I can get closure. Right now she's at work and the pain she brought into my life is the last thing on her mind. She's already told me when she gets home that all her lying and anything associated with her tainted past is no longer up for discussion


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

You are like me in that regard. I got my answers when she repented and came clean. Even if we had D it was very difficult not knowing the truth.

Having said that, know that many people don't get the answers and that is not just in regards to infidelity. There are missing Veterans lost in war, missing children, etc. 

There are many things in life that we never figure out. I would try to find ways to occupy your time with more positive thoughts.

Vent here but start dwelling on something more productive.


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

Sorry you are here. 

Truth does not make it easier, just as the lies don't make it easier. I know the whens and how many times etc, even got pics and videos. I am not sure what is worse the knowing or not knowing. 

The truth is she cheated on you, dumped a load of pain in your lap and apparently could care less about how it affected you.

I know it is hard because I am going through the same thing. Try some guided meditation to help keep you calm, try to get interested in something else to take your mind off (as best you can) what she has done. If she does not want to tell you then you most likely will never know all the details.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

Very tough situation. Your wanting to know the who and the when is completely normal - dwelling (even obsessing) on that is normal as well. The problem is that you're not married, so there's no divorce but there's been a declaration that the relationship is over. 

If she's decided that she will not give you any information about her lying or who she was with, there is _nothing_ you can do about that. Trying to get information out of her when she's (A) told you she won't give you any and (B) made up her mind she's moved on will only cause friction between you and frustration for you. Since you live with her, you need to practice a great deal of self-control - start biting your tongue!!

And even if you're not the praying type, you can meditate on the Serenity Prayer: Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference (I left the word God off the front in case you don't believe). All you can work on is YOU now. Maybe get some counseling for yourself to help you through this - get closure as you put it. She has made it clear that she will not help you with this process, so work on accepting that fact. 

FOCUS on your own work on yourself, try to take the focus off dealing with her now. Say as little as possible. Focusing on her will only bring you more pain, and problems in the household. Talk to others - friends, family - but you need to ACCEPT that she's put it all in the past. She's not your wife: no strings, so please try to work on your own healing without expecting ANY info from her. Take care.


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## havenrose33 (Aug 7, 2013)

I think the need to know details is normal. I am not sure my need would be as strong if I indeed knew that the relationship was over. I guess you have to look at what knowing the details will do to help you. Will it help you to let go and move on.....or only cause you more pain? Since you mentioned that the relationship is over, perhaps really concentrate on YOU, and less on her. For me...knowing the details has played an important part in trying to move on and work on my marriage. I could not, and would NOT stay if he was unwilling to be honest in answering the questions I asked, no matter how difficult they were.


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## tug (Sep 1, 2013)

hopefulgirl said:


> Very tough situation. Your wanting to know the who and the when is completely normal - dwelling (even obsessing) on that is normal as well. The problem is that you're not married, so there's no divorce but there's been a declaration that the relationship is over.
> 
> If she's decided that she will not give you any information about her lying or who she was with, there is _nothing_ you can do about that. Trying to get information out of her when she's (A) told you she won't give you any and (B) made up her mind she's moved on will only cause friction between you and frustration for you. Since you live with her, you need to practice a great deal of self-control - start biting your tongue!!
> 
> ...


Joining this group was without a doubt the best thing I could have done in terms of helping me deal with the mess she created. Im one of those people who wear their emotions on their sleeve and we both know Im much weaker emotionally than she is. Not talking to her about what she did is going to be difficult but I have a very small bedroom and can isolate myself from her by not coming out of it when she's here.

I have always worked out and have been told that I look better (physically) than 90% of the men that were working out at the time so tonight as hard a its going to be Im going to start going back to the gym again. I'll leave when she gets here and hopefully finish when she's going to bed. 

Since Im no longer on her cell phone account I asked her to call her carrier and block my number. I dont want to became weak and start texting or calling her. Im no longer going to allow her to hurt me making sure we cant communicate is the only way I know how. I have blocked her from emailing, calling, or texting me it may sound childish but under the circumstances this is the only way I know how I can create distance. Thank you


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

How much longer do you have to be living in the same place with her?


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

tug, be grateful that she isn't going to be your ex-wife. It's possible she doesn't even know who all she slept around with. My ex wife bore children with two different guys she doesn't even know what their names are or even which ones they were.
Your health will improve appreciably by getting away from your cheater.


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## tug (Sep 1, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> How much longer do you have to be living in the same place with her?


Alt, as crazy as this sounds I have mold hypersensitivies. Im not just allergic to mold Im hypersensitive to it. Its like having an extreme allergy to peanuts, but my symptoms are from the toxic effect from mold not the allergic type. Her house is safe for me, meaning we have made it mold free. With what little money I get from disability finding a place to live thats been properly maintained (no water leaks) and affordable is next to impossible


hookares said:


> tug, be grateful that she isn't going to be your ex-wife. It's possible she doesn't even know who all she slept around with. My ex wife bore children with two different guys she doesn't even know what their names are or even which ones they were.
> Your health will improve appreciably by getting away from your cheater.


Hook Im in my mid 50's and have been married twice. My first wife left me because she was home sick and wanted to move back home to be with her family. My second wife was the most nasty vile person I ever met but I didnt realize how bad she was till the 3rd year of marriage.

What Im trying to say is we may have not been married but I thought and was led to believe we had the same commitment as if we were married. 

Im not only hurt Im mad, no one deserves to be lied to like she lied to me. I was literally battling for my life while I was dealing with my issues with mold and she was in the next room texting her ex. 

I remember getting some legal documents stating the HOA of the condo I bought that had mold and caused all this was suing me for 6000.00 for back HOA dues. The very company that neglected to fix a sewage leak in the crawl space that caused all the mold and my illness was suing me. When I came home that night I was devastated, I walked in the door and she came running downstairs with a surprised look on her face. I asked her what she was doing and she said she was talking to one of her friends on FB. She knew I was being sued and how devastated I was. Turns out she wasnt talking to one of her friends on FB she was talking to her ex.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

I know how you feel. My husband said some nasty things to me a few years ago that got me started to thinking he has cheated again. I found nude pictures of her. I told him about this and of course he was mad at me. I was in the wrong for snooping. No apology or I love you.

I'll continue to snoop. I don't trust him.


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