# he asked for divorce and had a personality 180



## Jemm (Sep 18, 2012)

Can someone explain this to me I'm at a total loss. I married a man with integrity morals and values. His life mantra is dont cheat lie or steal. A week ago he told me he wanted a divorce, things have been rocky for years. I did not want this but agreed. Ive been working hard to remain upbeat and accepting the inevitable. Not fighting him on it. Two days after he told me about wanting a divorce he text a girl about meeting up with her and later that same day had a drunken grope and grab fest in the middle of our business with one of our employees. He is drinking every night, he has never drank like this before. He was so drunk he claims to not remember, i tend to believe him he almost threw up when i played it back on the security camera. His attempts at hiding his infidelities are weak at best. Our town is four blocks big he is doing these things for all to see and looking me in the face and lying. This is not my husband. Is this his way of dealing with it? An attempt to get me to leave sooner? A giant do you see Im thru? Im not only curious about his "going off the deep end" Im concerned for his well being. Any insight would be appreciated.
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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Maybe consider the possibility that you don't know him nearly as well as you thought you did.


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

I wish I could give you some answers but I went through a similar situation. When I confronted him about the other woman he said she was just a friend but later said after I had read the texts between the two he didn't understand why I was still in the home. It's not easy just to uproot your life from your home but I did move out not only because he forced me out of the home but because I was going to leave as soon as I knew another woman was involved. After he asked for a divorce out of the blue his behavior drastically changed. I didn't take it to heart as much as others would of because I concluded his behavior surrounded more around confusion than actually truly feeling the way he stated he felt which was pure hatred towards me. I feel for you but don't react to him anymore. Continue on with the 180 approach. It's really all you can do. You need to protect yourself and IC helps.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Perhaps his duplicity has caught up to him and he's having a hard time dealing with it. That would explain the drinking binges.
I completely agree with the 180.
Do not clean up his messes, do not express concern for his well-being, at least not to his face.
Some people need to hit rock bottom before they see what they are doing to those around them.


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## Jemm (Sep 18, 2012)

Let me give some clarification. He occasionaly drank a few beers here and there before he told me he wanted a divorce. We are both to blame for the reasons that lead upto this divorce. I will take a large part of it, I'm an alcoholic that relapsed several months ago. (Sober 1 month and counting). I'm concerned for him because this current behavior is not his character. He is a disciplened, responsible honest man and a one of the most caring fathers i know. His current behavior is alarming and scary i have never seen him react to any situation like this. Hes retired military, deployed 3 times. His stress coping skills are impressive to say the least. Im concerned and confused... if he made up his mind its over you would think that would relieve some stress and anxiety, not make him go crazy out of character. Ive told him my concerns and hope he finds IC
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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

How old are both of you?

Additional background information would help.


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## Jemm (Sep 18, 2012)

Im 43 hes 47. What background info? Both our parents are still married. His happily mine never were. He had 23 years in military well educated, ambitious. I have highschool diploma but read/study things a lot. I like to think Im smart. Second marriage for us both. I have three sons, 2 grown one 15, he has a 16 yr old daughter, that blended family thing never really meshed. But the kids get along great. His ex is a good person, mines an ex con loser, that was always a sore subject. And then theres the fact that i relapsed. If u want more info conrad Im happy to provide it if it brings insight to this
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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Relapsed into an addiction?


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## IronWine29 (Dec 31, 2013)

Perhaps you could discuss your husband's behavior change with someone familiar with PTSD, especially if it has been sudden.


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## Jemm (Sep 18, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Relapsed into an addiction?


Alcohol i was sober for 13 months relapsed this past august. Been sober since jan 13. Its the second relapse i completley understand his wanting a divorce, no one deserves to live with that. Its his reaction to it that worries me. I thought he would feel relieved. Instead its worse than before he stated he wanted a divorce
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## Jemm (Sep 18, 2012)

I guess i never thought of that. Hes never displayed any signs of it. I can see how my relapse and a divorce could possibly trigger that
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## IronWine29 (Dec 31, 2013)

Have you suggested to him that he try individual counseling? If he's in the VA system, he may be able to find PTSD counseling.

But you have to remember that, ultimately, your husband has to be responsible for himself. You are owning up to your own problem. Keep taking care of yourself, and stay sober.


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## Jemm (Sep 18, 2012)

Ive suggested IC, I dont want to push. He is very defensive and off put by most things i say. Thanks ironwine-i know you are right. Hopefully he gets IC or some how processes his feelings in a healthier way. Sober is my goal
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## Jemm (Sep 18, 2012)

Well hes progressed some. Hes not drinking as much.  His daughter is with us this week, that usually helps ground him. Hes a great dad. Now it seems hes moved to contempt and aggression towards me. Im still living in our house, buying one is a slow process. He says i can stay as long as i need to, he knows im in the process of buying. I cant stand the look on his face when he talks to me, its just short of hatred. Today he told me "i dont give a @$!! about u". I understand all the feelings he must be having, im having them also. Im so hurt, its hard enough ending a marriage, knowing the other person cant stand u is heartbreaking and quite an ego downer. He said he wants to keep things amicable thru this but its getting really hard maintaing maturity, kindness and a level head when he treats me like poo on his shoe
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## IronWine29 (Dec 31, 2013)

Is there somewhere you could stay temporarily? Friend, relative? It may relieve some of your stress and pain just to get out now. I was in the same boat for a spell. Not something I would do again.


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## Jemm (Sep 18, 2012)

Ironwine-ive thought about it. I have a 15 yr old and im trying to keep his world as stable as possible. I dont wsmt him to feel like he has no safe place of his own. H only speaks to me like that at eork mostly, not in front of kids. I gotta suck it up and pray this house purchsse goes smoothly
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