# How do we fix this?



## gsp286 (Feb 8, 2010)

We've been married 11 years, and sex has been an issue for the last 5+.

Prior to marriage my wife was very interested in sex. It was a long distance relationship (international) so our time together was short and far between. We spoke lots on the phone, and phone sex was also quite frequent. I moved to the US a couple of months prior to the wedding, and sex was frequent during that time also.

The first few years of marriage were great, until we had our first child. After he was born, it took a while for sex to be back on the agenda, and then it was very infrequent, gradually declining to the point where its only a few times a year.

Then last year we decided to try for a second baby. Of course, while trying we did it quite a bit, but just as with the first child, things didn't take long. During the pregnancy my wife was crazy for it. Multiple times per day, every day, which of course I enjoyed. But now that the baby is here, and has been for 4 months, things are back to normal. I know that it can take longer than that for a woman to be ready, but I'm already seeing signs that it's back to the way it was.

Normal for us is no intimacy. No kissing, no sex, nothing. My wife says that all she wants is hugs, and to feel close, but I feel that not even wanting to kiss, and pushing me away constitutes rejection.

We love each other very much, and we both consider each other to be our best friends. She suffers from some mild depression that she used to take an anti-depressant for prior to marriage. I feel that it's probably hormonal, due to her libido being extremely high while pregnant. However what we need to do is make the normal times mutually exciting for each other.

I've considered leaving, but that's not what I want. My wife and family is everything to me, but I do need to feel wanted and to see some passion, physical and emotional attention.

Is this something we can address medically? what kind of doctor would we need to see about this? Her usual female dr said that she just needs to read some spicy romance novels. Or would counselling be a better option? Are we looking at a situation that really can't be resolved? Do I need to learn to live with it, or should I really be more committed to breaking things up. I don't think I can do that to her and the kids.


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## jgn2112fletch (Feb 5, 2010)

gsp286, as with some of the other posts, your situation is similar to mine. My wife and I dated long distance, so when we got together, we did it like crazy...and we did it crazily. But once we got married, it dropped off, and then slowly and steadily has all but dried up...she's almost cold, often stating that neither wants, nor cares to give any affection. After our children were born, her take on sex is, "sex is for making babies" -- as if penises and vaginas aren't permitted to touch unless that's the purpose.
I'm going to mention this in my thread that I posted about my situation, but my wife (and I suspect many women) have this thing where they only want what they don't have. 
It might be that the thrill of the hunt is over, she has her kids, she got what she wanted from you...a ring and a family...and now that you've served your purpose, you're on "employee" status.
I'm taking the approach that she's going to find out that she no longer has me at her beck and call. Hopefully she'll realize that, while I love her, it takes emotion and love flowing both ways and as of now, she's going to have to fight a little to keep me rather than take me completely for granted.


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## LuckyCharmH (Jan 4, 2010)

That is due to depression. 
someone people will still suffer from depression even tho they don't know it. depression will caused the sex and love and passion drive to go wayyyyy down. 
on other side some Anti depressent have the same issue. taking Anti depressent could cause libido dysfunction so she might need try several once until finding the gold key. 
she might not be into you, she love you but not in love with you and afraid to divorce due to a tradition in her family or yours, or afraid she wont be able to supports the kids or afraid from the idea. 
may be try spicing things up with her see what is her reaction. not sure where you from. such as things like strip clubs or threesomes or other stuff she might like.


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## gsp286 (Feb 8, 2010)

jgn. I've been reading your other thread with interest. I don't think we're to that level yet, but I do want to ensure that things don't get that bad. I'm paying particular attention to the alpha male part, and will be interested to see your results.

luckycharm, I do beleive that the depression has a large part to play. I think the massive hormonal changes during pregnancy overide any underlying depression issues, which is why the massive and sudden changes in sex drive. We have tried pretty much every antidepressant on the market. The problem being the other negative side effects from trying all those out. Right now she is not taking anything, and is actually better off this way, but without any sex drive.

The thing that's the hardest for me to accept is that with these known issues, and with her being constantly in fear that I might go elsewhere for satisfaction, that she has no interest in providing any sexual benefits whatsoever. I work in a call center and she is fully aware that I work around a lot of women, and also that some of her good friends flirt, and mentions all the time that she is concerned about that.


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