# A psychological question



## JustGotDroppedABomshell (Aug 24, 2013)

I read somewhere that sometimes women look for a Father Figure to take care of them, but then mature and develop and grow out of needing one, instead wanting an equal partner. 

Do you all agree with this concept or not?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

JustGotDroppedABomshell said:


> I read somewhere that sometimes women look for a Father Figure to take care of them, but then mature and develop and grow out of needing one, instead wanting an equal partner.
> 
> Do you all agree with this concept or not?


I think it's an over simplification but sure people sometimes click well with people who have familiar traits to those they love or respect. The second part of the puzzle doesn't make sense to me though. If the older man and the younger woman aren't equal partners then I'd say both are at fault. Maybe it's true that younger people settle for less because they don't know their own value or don't have strength from within.


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## JustGotDroppedABomshell (Aug 24, 2013)

Thundarr said:


> I think it's an over simplification.


I agree its an over simplification but..... Imagine a situation where a female, after a string of losers, finds a man who can meet her needs of security, stability, sound advice, and is able to provide a safe household. The man is only a few years older but is a bit mature than her. 

She looks up to him and falls head over heals. She starts be be codependent but it feels like love. He gives her advice and pushes her to purse a degree or advance in her career. He tells her to stop hanging out with certain friends who seem to be "dragging her down" This seems like a great relationship at this time. Years later, Y being constant X feels that he is controlling and she has lost her identity. Her friends, her career, and in some ways her life is being controlled by this man who doesnt treat her as an equal but the same "child" he met before. 

Throw this in with other factors such as lack of intimacy, lack of communication, etc. Not saying this is the root cause of most WAF situations but it was something I was curious about.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

JustGotDroppedABomshell said:


> I read somewhere that sometimes women look for a Father Figure to take care of them, but then mature and develop and grow out of needing one, instead wanting an equal partner.
> 
> Do you all agree with this concept or not?


The Electra complex.

Yeah, I'm well aware of it.
Most don't grow out of it...ever.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Depends on how the father figure adapts. It is a two-way street. He was looking for something she provided, too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustGotDroppedABomshell (Aug 24, 2013)

@clipclop Hopefully the man will learn that the she grew up to become a beautiful, intelligent, strong woman before its too late. 

@tacoma elektra complex? Daredevil comics wasn't my cup of tea.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

JustGotDroppedABomshell said:


> I agree its an over simplification but..... Imagine a situation where a female, after a string of losers, finds a man who can meet her needs of security, stability, sound advice, and is able to provide a safe household. The man is only a few years older but is a bit mature than her.
> 
> She looks up to him and falls head over heals. She starts be be codependent but it feels like love. He gives her advice and pushes her to purse a degree or advance in her career. He tells her to stop hanging out with certain friends who seem to be "dragging her down" This seems like a great relationship at this time. Years later, Y being constant X feels that he is controlling and she has lost her identity. Her friends, her career, and in some ways her life is being controlled by this man who doesnt treat her as an equal but the same "child" he met before.
> 
> Throw this in with other factors such as lack of intimacy, lack of communication, etc. Not saying this is the root cause of most WAF situations but it was something I was curious about.


This is similar to what happened in my relationship, I think. I grew up a lot over the course of the relationship (we met when I was 22; he was 6 yrs older); as I matured, became more of myself, finished undergrad, went on to grad school, and moved forward in my career, I grew frustrated b/c he wouldn't treat me like an equal. He still treated me as the immature one in the relationship. I stopped needing him, and his co-dependent nature didn't like that. Meanwhile, he seemed to be standing still emotionally/maturity-wise for the duration of the relationship. I think I outgrew him.

It's not the only reason our relationship failed, but I think it was pretty significant.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

He was still pretty young. I tend to think of this as more a 20-something, 40-something. Shoot, men don't get worth having until they are 45! ;-)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

clipclop2 said:


> He was still pretty young. I tend to think of this as more a 20-something, 40-something. Shoot, men don't get worth having until they are 45! ;-)
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sweet! I just turned 46! It's been a long tough road but I'm finally worth having! 

_Posted via *Topify* using Android_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

You are SO worth having!! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

My dads really grumpy and annoying.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

clipclop2 said:


> You are SO worth having!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Lol! I feel like I just got my drivers license or turned legal to drink. I'm finally here 

_Posted via *Topify* using Android_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Just don't marry him and you'll be fine!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

clipclop2 said:


> He was still pretty young. I tend to think of this as more a 20-something, 40-something. Shoot, men don't get worth having until they are 45! ;-)


Yeah, unless you know him! He was like a grumpy 60-yr-olf man in a 30-something body, with the emotional maturity of a toddler.

He was SO PERFECT for me


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Lol! I feel like I just got my drivers license or turned legal to drink. I'm finally here
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using Android_


But it is always an either/or. 

I always dated older men. 2nd marriage the man was my age. He has wondered if I will leave him for a 40-something now that we are older. Nah. Once you break them in.... ;-)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

clipclop2 said:


> But it is always an either/or.
> 
> I always dated older men. 2nd marriage the man was my age. He has wondered if I will leave him for a 40-something now that we are older. Nah. Once you break them in.... ;-)


I always dated older men, too -- because I always (in my teens and early 20s) found that guys my age were immature.

In my next relationship, I'm looking for someone closer to my age -- and someone who is a little more spontaneous (ie not wedded to his routines!) than my STBXH


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

JustGotDroppedABomshell said:


> I agree its an over simplification but..... Imagine a situation where a female, after a string of losers, finds a man who can meet her needs of security, stability, sound advice, and is able to provide a safe household. The man is only a few years older but is a bit mature than her.
> 
> She looks up to him and falls head over heals. She starts be be codependent but it feels like love. He gives her advice and pushes her to purse a degree or advance in her career. He tells her to stop hanging out with certain friends who seem to be "dragging her down" This seems like a great relationship at this time. Years later, Y being constant X feels that he is controlling and she has lost her identity. Her friends, her career, and in some ways her life is being controlled by this man who doesnt treat her as an equal but the same "child" he met before.
> 
> Throw this in with other factors such as lack of intimacy, lack of communication, etc. Not saying this is the root cause of most WAF situations but it was something I was curious about.


Yea JustGotDroppedABomshell that does happen. I think it's because most women don't know what they want in general until 25 or so. Maybe it's the same with most men too however it wasn't with me.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

clipclop2 said:


> He was still pretty young. I tend to think of this as more a 20-something, 40-something. Shoot, men don't get worth having until they are 45! ;-)
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm agree COMPLETELY but then again I'm 45


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## JustGotDroppedABomshell (Aug 24, 2013)

Thundarr said:


> Yea JustGotDroppedABomshell that does happen. I think it's because most women don't know what they want in general until 25 or so. Maybe it's the same with most men too however it wasn't with me.


My wife is right around that age....I'm hoping to show her that I'm not authority figure but an equal now. 

I felt like I had to protect her then and didn't realize she grew up into a strong, intelligent, and beautiful woman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

*LittleDeer* said:


> My dads really grumpy and annoying.


Let me guess. Grumpy, annoying, ear and nose hair, balding (at least a little), cynical, philosophical, thinks he's wise, etc.

Yea that's most of us. sigh.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> Yea JustGotDroppedABomshell that does happen. I think it's because most women don't know what they want in general until 25 or so. Maybe it's the same with most men too however it wasn't with me.


I knew what I wanted, and that's what he (my STBXH) pretended to be. I still want the same thing(s) that I wanted when I was 22, it just turns out that he wasn't those things. :/


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## JustGotDroppedABomshell (Aug 24, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> I knew what I wanted, and that's what he pretended to be. I still want the same thing(s) that I wanted when I was 22, it just turns out that he wasn't those things. :/


Pretended? Some of the thing my wife wants is someone you is willing to spend more time with her family (parents,aunts, uncles), less controlling, and more loving. I'm going to therapy for trust and lack of emotions but does that come off as pretending?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

JustGotDroppedABomshell said:


> Pretended? Some of the thing my wife wants is someone you is willing to spend more time with her family (parents,aunts, uncles), less controlling, and more loving. I'm going to therapy for trust and lack of emotions but does that come off as pretending?


I'm talking about my STBXH, not you


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## JustGotDroppedABomshell (Aug 24, 2013)

I'm sorry, I'm just desperate to fix things now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

FeministInPink said:


> I knew what I wanted, and that's what he pretended to be. I still want the same thing(s) that I wanted when I was 22, it just turns out that he wasn't those things. :/


Each person is unique FIP. Maybe it's not so much about knowing what someone wants as much as being able to define it and recognize it.

My perspective comes only from my own experience which is a very small study group. My ex and I were married very young (me 19 and my wife 18). We reached fairy tale goals pretty early ( kids, a dog, a house with picket fence, etc ) and that's when things started to derail. Regardless of how gender factored in, I do believe my ex thought these were the path to happily ever after yet life was still realistic. Of course we divorced young. She's serially cheated on her husband since so maybe it wasn't the age thing that caused problems.


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