# going crazy



## rainwife

Silent treatment:

I understand the cycle; If I’m mean it gives him validation for his mean to me. It makes it hard to make up. So I’m trying very hard to not engage in it. 

My husband is deployed and mad at me so he has not talked to me in a week. 

He knows this is a issue to me, I have gone so far as to say its my NO, as in the thing he can’t do. I feel abandoned and I have to work hard to not become irrational and fearful that he will never come back to me. But I assume he doesn’t understand how could he understand, love me and still do it?

I had to make the decision to put our 18 year old cats to sleep. It was a decision he did not support. But two vets did. I understand that reacting negatively will not help our situation. But I'm just so very sad and lonely right now. It hurts so much that he could abandon me and our 4 year old son emotionally. But I’m trying to not lash out. I know it will make it worse and validate his silent treatment. 

But my son keeps asking about the cats and daddy and I’m trying to deal with everything on my own. Its been a very bad week prior to this week of silent treatment.

I see he reads my face book posts. I just need someone to talk to. 

I never use to understand why military wife’s cheated. How hard is it to just keep your legs closed? But now I see there are so many factors, no I'm not going to cheat on him. But for the first time in my seven years of marriage. I think I can sympathize with a woman who is lonely wanting someone to listen and getting carried away. 

I can't talk to my family; we agreed long ago we would not do that for fear of bringing resentment.  Many of my friends are married to his co workers, so leaning on their ear would possibly cause work issues. My councilor recently and suddenly had her husband die so she is not practicing. The chaplains I was friendly with have PCS’ed and I’m stuck here.. alone. 

I’m trying to be a good mother still, but I forget to eat, I can’t sleep. I don’t want any man even my husband to do this to me. I’m going through the motions; I get up at 6 am walk with my child and a group of friends. The exercise helps.. But then I go home and just feel empty and overwhelmed again. Next thing I know hours have passed. This can’t be good for our son. I know I’m not taking care of him the way I once did. This is my third time going through a deployment. I’m not new at this; my husband has never been a great and wonderful emotional pillar. What is wrong with me that I’m taking this so hard?


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## EleGirl

Cats? How many cats has to be put down? Was it just old age things?

I'm sorry for the loss of your cats. This might be part of why you are having a harder time then usual. 

Then to top it off, you are left to handle all things at home. you had to make the decision to put the cats down all on your own.

He probably fought it because he's not there at home. It's a huge loss for him I suppose. And then to not be part of it. It's hard to be away from family for a long time.

How long have you felt so depressed? If it's been over 2 weeks, see a doctor. You might need anti-depressants to get through this.


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## rainwife

It was two cats, we go them a few years ago as a "foster" situation. But my husband is very fond of cats, as was our young child it turned out. So we kept them. I am sorry to say I am not so much. Though I cleaned there litter, researched food that might help them not be sick. It came down to them having accidents all over the house.. We live in military housing that is a big issue. I took them to two vets one would not even do tests and said with their old age they should just be put down. I went to another who did testing and said that one was diabetic and would need costly injections that would only prolong her life slightly and the other had bladder issues. He suggested it would be kindest to put them down. I had discussed it with him prior to going. After the first vet, I was prepared that this might be the outcome. He said "do whatever you feel needs to be done." But then when I told him he seemed to think I just didn't want to clean up after them. I think he knows I really was just trying to be kind, he is just lashing out. Maybe the deployment is stressful and he is transferring or something. But I just feel like I’m coming unglued. It’s like the last straw to a very very awful unbelievable week. 

I do struggle with depression but have been using cognitive therapy for awhile successfully. But nothing seems to be working as of late and I just want to sleep all the time and cry. 

I just keep thinking there must be something I can do to get though to him that this is not okay. Or maybe something I can change in me to not have it hurt so much.


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## EleGirl

I had an old Main **** cat a few years back to developed that problem. I had to have her put down. It was impossible to keep the house clean with her peeing on everything. It’s a health risk. I miss that cat to this day. But not the pee. Cats get old. That’s nature. 



rainwife said:


> But I just feel like I’m coming unglued. It’s like the last straw to a very very awful unbelievable week.
> 
> I do struggle with depression but have been using cognitive therapy for awhile successfully. But nothing seems to be working as of late and I just want to sleep all the time and cry.


Well it seems that things have gotten to the point where the cognitive therapy is not enough for you now. Meds will make you more able to handle whatever you need to do to climb out of this hole.


rainwife said:


> I just keep thinking there must be something I can do to get though to him that this is not okay. Or maybe something I can change in me to not have it hurt so much.


Stop trying to get across to him. He’s in a difficult situation and apparently cannot handle this personal stuff as well.

Focus on yourself and your child.

Once you get back on your feet, you can focus on what you do about your husband and your relationship.


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## LongWalk

How often do you see each other during deployment?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rainwife

LongWalk said:


> How often do you see each other during deployment?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We don't, See each other at all other than skype and facebook. Often times I'm not even sure where he is. I just have a round about return time like (in six-nine months) or a basic idea of what time zone he is in.


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## rainwife

so, update! My husband spoke! well sort of, he messaged me 85 words in two paragraphs on facebook. The first one was basically "I’m not mad, I’m not trying to be silent?" Then the second one was something like "how are you?" Then I guess I chased him off with too many words because I haven't heard from him since. I sent him a message thanking him for making time for me and telling him how much I appreciated it. You know trying to possitivly reward positive behavior and all that.... 

Then I did something I shouldn't I guess. I got on his facebook.

I set up his facebook, he doesn't know how to change pics and such. It is his birthday soon and I was going to change his profile wallpaper and such to reflect that. 

I saw all the messages. He has been VERY active. To mom and friends.. to his 'should a married' The girl he never really dated but that his mom laments often that he should have married. He didn't say anything sexual, or out of line. He in fact talked about our son mostly too her (yeah.. I so read those messages) But what hurts my feelings is the timestamps, he was talking to her during the whole time he hasn't had time for me? 

I was sitting here feeling needy and stupid for demanding to much when he is deployed and busy working, but here he is finding plenty of time for his girl next door. :/ 

I don't even know what to do; I guess I'm not going to say anything. It wouldn't matter if I did; I doubt he reads what I type to him. 

I'm not the best wife, but I keep a clean house, he always has fresh socks, I take very good care of our son. I have home schooled him for two years now, He goes to school a few hours in the afternoon now, but i still home school him in the mornings. I don't run around.. 

I feel like I’m in that "he's just not that into you" book.. But I'm his wife, and we don't believe in divorce really so what am I suppose to do? Be emotionally neglected for the rest of my life?


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## Yolandi

I'm sorry rainwife : ( 

I would be upset too if I saw those FB messages. 

His mom said she should have married another girl right in front of you? How rude.

I'm sure you are grieving for you cats as well. Making the decision to put them down was not easy I'm sure. I would be very hurt if I had to make that decision on my own, and my husband did not trust me to have made the best decision for the family. Really, who does he think you are?


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