# had to sneak over here and ask you ladies a question.



## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Okay my wife and I have a good sex life if you go by frequency. I must say though that I am frustrated. We will have a great session and say hey that's great do that again. Then i get the "I can't use all of my tricks at once otherwise you'll be bored."
Which makes no sense because my wife doesn't do all that much different. If I have time to spend on my wife I always am trying out new positions. I have tried tying her up. I use my hands, tongue and any thing else i can think of to make her get off. 
I put a lot of effort into it. Lately I feel like my wife is taking advantage of that. I am very open about what I would like her to do to me. And I get promises but no follow through. 
It is like once we got married all she has to do is go throught the motions. I mean she hasn't done anything new in hell years. It is sex in the bed, if I just lay back and let her at it I get a Bj, she may or may not get on top. When she does it is the same old 3 positions. 
Her reward i guess is anal every once in awhile. But hell she gets off on that too now. 
I try to voice my concerns but it just get "I can't use all my tricks at once"( okay so that tells me she doesn't even plan on trying anything new since she has already learned her "tricks". )

Hell it really feels like my wife is treating me like I am lucky to be able to even have sex with her. 
Is there anything I can do. I mean I have tried to get her to tie my up for a year. All I get is I will do it stop asking me and I will do it. That's all I get. Hell I ended up tying her up. But what do i get in return sexually. The exact same thing over and over again. 
I am going to the gym and losing some extra pounds to help her inspiration. but still I feel like my efforts are being taken advantage of.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Not a lady so forgive the intrusion but could it be she see's it as a turn-off to have you in a vulnerable position being tied up? Maybe she's not that keen on the power perception of it all?


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## SPRelationshipCounselling (May 23, 2012)

Great that you are open about what you want to do and are communicating it. Maybe what’s missing is sharing what emotional needs you are wanting to satisfy in love making. Some of the emotional needs that we all have are. Reassurance that we are desirable, sexy, competent, normal, loved, feeling connected, validation of masculinity, femininity, relief from performance anxiety, exploring vulnerability, feeling pleasure, our horniness, our aliveness. What are you searching for in all the doing and trying? Who are you really working so hard for? ( don’t tell me it’s for your wife! it’s trading to get your emotional needs met) What is important to your wife? What emotional needs is she wanting to fulfill in lovemaking. What is under that statement ‘I fear you will bored?’. What reassurance might she need to be free and relaxed?
Talking together about what sex is about for you and what is important on the emotional needs level will bring back connection and reassurance. To you wife there might be a difference between hearing ,” I want to be tied up” and hearing “I want to be tied up by you -it will really excite me to explore the power and vulnerability between us- what do you think, how would that be for you?“. Stop being demanding- feeling she owes you; share your emotional needs together and stress the relationship specialness.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

This is the perfect solution for that:
Amazon.com: 52 Invitations To Grrreat Sex: It All Begins with a Lick (9780974259918): Laura Corn: Books


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

My husband is similar to your wife...other than he doesn't make me feel like I am lucky to get sex and he hesitates with outright "promises" for fear he will let me down, just says "I'll try, I want to please you". 

But the reality is...he wouldn't care if we only had 2 positions till he hit dirt.... he is very happy & satisfied with that, completely and utterly. Same old same old same old and he never gets bored. (at least this is good!)... I LIKE a little more variety , not because I need it, just because it is FUN. Obviously you are the more CREATIVE FORCE in the bedroom......so continue to create ...and try to not take it too personal. Men generally are anyway in sex. So imagine how I feel. 

I know when I start going on about how I'd like him to do this or that...sometimes I get a little irritated just talking about it .......THAT is when I just end up making him feel bad and he feels like he isn't enough for me. I've been waiting for him to "take control" and do some of the things he said he would love "on his own" for 2 yrs now! 

With us, he ALWAYS goes along, infact one of the positions I introduced has become one of his favorites, so he will happily go for that sometimes, so I guess the trick is -- just keep leading...if she comes to love what you are doing, hopefully she will work this into her wanting it again , expressing that with a little leading of her own.... .. how to get her to outright ask for it, I don't know, she obviously gets her emotional fullfillment in those 3 positions... so she is not clammering for more. I really believe some personalities are just "more receptive" by nature, it is out of their comfort zone to take the wheel - but if she was like this in the past, then well...it's in her. 

I had someone suggest to me once ....to make a "Spice Jar" ....kinda like that book Turnera suggested (new ideas on every page)... where you can each write your specific erotic ideas/ suggestions for the other to bring to your love making on peices of paper ....as detailed as you like, things you WANT the other to do to you......and have her pull one out -every once in a while -just to get her motivated.

I've never done this -but have thought about it a # of times. 

I guess I am happy enough with Vanilla myself.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The book will help BOTH of you.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

I don't know I just feel let down sometimes. I get my hopes up and then nothing. I wish she would just talk to me about it and i wish getting her to talk to me was easier. I ask her what sexual fantasies she has a lot. She always responds with "you" and that at one point was an ego boost. Now I feel like she is just saying that and is afraid of really letting in on her desires.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Was she abused as a child?


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

She says no but her mom and i think she may have been. She was abused by her first husband. I thought she would not be comfortable with being tied up. It was great. But yes my wife was in a 11 year emotionally and physically abusive relationship. It took two years for my wife to completely stop having night terrors. 
She had a councilor but my wife is excellent at spin. I think she figured out what the lady wanted to hear and said it. My wife has an honesty problem. She is a real big problem with exaggeration and telling half truths.
I don't know I just want to rewind a few years. really go back to where we had fun. I really enjoy spending time with my wife. But I have noticed she has become somewhat of a princess in that she is feeling quite lofty.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If she's feeling like a princess, it's because YOU put her up on that pedestal.

One, stop doing that. Be honest, blunt, and logical in what you expect from her.

Two, get her into therapy whatever way you can. 

How long after her husband were you two involved?


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

The book only helps if you can get the other person to use it too.... i have it... brought it out.... put it in an obvious place, to help my dh..... he hasn't touched it. It would help him with creativity.... but nope. the desire has to be there.... I am like you except female version, pulling out all the stops, being creative and not getting much in return, although there have been some signs of life because I have been voicing my needs and desires more....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You brought out a book of invitations and put it in front of him as if to say 'if you love me, you'll pick out an invitation and invite ME to a fun night'? When you already know he's not interested? No offense, but that sounds like what I used to do - set my husband up to be the bad guy so I could tell him how unhappy he makes me.

There are 26 invitations in there for the female to give to the man. If YOU are the spouse with a lackluster spouse, it behooves you to give HIM an invitation, pique his interest, so he'll want to show up. Men are visual creatures - if you get him imagining what is waiting for him, odds are better that he will show up. And enjoy the night. And show him how much fun he can have with you, so that HE decides to pull out the book and have more fun again.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi bane ~

Sounds like your wife could be as bored as you, and it also sounds like she may have some 'baggage' she could be carrying along from her first abusive marriage. Things like that have a bad habit of permeating the next relationship if they aren't actively worked on. Sounds like maybe she only did a 'glossing over' of that with her counselor...but she's the one who has to actively want to work through those old issues.

I think you should just take the lead. Quit asking, talking, or nagging ... just start to do. If you want to be tied up, then next time you are in to it, hand her the restraint and ask her to do it. Actively tell her and guide her as to what you want to do. Be positive and upbeat. If she bristles at something, then just move on to something else and don't make it a big deal. Circle back around to it at a later date.

If you are the more sexually motivated and sexually mature partner, then you have to be willing to take the lead with your partner and help them along. Don't expect that they will just do it. If you want something, then take the lead and initiative in trying to achieve it.

If you're into reading, David Schnarch has some really good books that discuss this very problem.

Amazon.com: Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship (9780825305672): David Schnarch: Books

http://www.amazon.com/Passionate-Marriage-Intimacy-Committed-Relationships/dp/0393334279/ref=pd_sim_b_1

Best wishes!


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