# Ex husband vs the Current Boyfriend



## January

I just have a relationship question, so I hope I've found the right place that may be able to offer me some in sight. 

I was talking to my live in boyfriend tonight about my ex husband. I have been divorced since June 2011. My ex cheated 
Ion me. Well, a year and a half after our divorce some odd behaviors start coming from my ex. My boyfriend tells me that I need to "think like a man" to understand why my ex husband is doing these strange things.

I have no idea how to think like a man....Some background.....

First, I separated from my ex husband two years ago. I did not get together with my current boyfriend until a year after the divorce was finalized. These odd behaviors started to show AFTER my boyfriend moved in with me. (Two months ago) When I was single for a year, my ex husband seemed as if he had moved on just fine without me. (He was shacked up with the woman he cheated with. They are now broke up.)

At Christmas, my ex husband tried to invite himself over to my parent's place. I was going to take my step-daughter out to my parents place with me for Christmas and had asked my ex husband to drop my step-daughter off at my house by 1PM. Well, at 1:04PM -just 4 minutes later-he texts me to say that because he was past the one o'clock deadline, he would just take her to my parent's house. Well, at the time he texted me, he was only 5 minutes away from my house while my parents house was 40 minutes away. Why would he want to go 40 minutes out of his way when I was only 5 minutes away?

So, we were running a few minutes behind to leave by 1:00 to head out to my parents for Christmas dinner and I told my ex husband we would meet him at X-location. And we did. It was my boyfriend and I plus my kids. When we met my ex husband at the location, my ex came over to the passenger side of the truck to talk to me but he kept shooting my boyfriend dirty looks. 

Next, I have two children with my ex husband. A son and a daughter. (Ages 15 and 8). The times that I must communicate with my ex about the children, usually regarding visitation, I am often at work during the time he wishes to come by to pick the kids up. I will tell him he can come over to get them and that my boyfriend is home with the kids. Now, any time I mention my boyfriend's name, my ex husband immediately ends conversation with me.

Now, speaking with my boyfriend on this topic tonight, he tells me I need to "think like a man." He says my ex is showing signs of jealousy because "another man" is in his place.

That makes no sense to me. My ex husband is the one who left our marriage when he cheated. How can one feel any jealousy about the other moving on when they were the one who chose to leave? My boyfriend tells me the reason why my ex will immediately end conversation with me when I mention my BF's name is because he cannot stand the thought of me being with someone else.

Again, that makes no sense to me. If my ex did not like the thought of me moving on and being with someone else, then why did he cheat? I mean, he can't expect me to not move on with my life.

I hope I have not lost or confused you all by now. My questions is this:

1. My ex husband left me to be with the woman he cheated on me with. He obviously did not want me. So now why when I have entered a new relationship, 2 years after we separated, does he show signs of being insecure about it? 

2. Does my ex view my current boyfriend as "an intruder"? That's how my boyfriend described it to me. He says it does not matter that my ex and I separated two years ago or that he did not take me away from him. That it is him and not my ex here with his "wife" and children and that my ex now feels he is stuck on the outside looking in.

3. Did I make a mistake talking about my ex husband to my boyfriend? I did get really bitc..hy about it. I know my boyfriend does have resentment issues against women because of his own ex and the stuff she put him through. I think I may have accidentally triggered something emotional in him. (Well, against women who use the child as a pawn against the Father and/or deny visitation)

4. Has anyone else--one to two years AFTER a relationship ended---did you feel any jealousy when your ex entered a new relationship?

5. Or am I just over thinking things?

Thank you for any responses.


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## Joanie

I ended the realtionship with my husband and yet a few years after I totally felt some jealousy when he started seeing someone seriously. I honestly don't know why, either! I am fine with it now but I gotta tell you it stung for a while. We are very close friends and maybe I was afraid that would change due to the new woman. It luckily, has not. We are both of the mindset that anyone in our lives has to accept the fact that we are close and good friends. I have been in a ltr for many years and my ex hubs is friendly with my mate. They go golfing together!


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## EleGirl

This is not a male thing. Women do it was well.

My ex's first wife abandoned him and their 3 children to live with her affair partner. More than a year later I met him and we started to date. On one of the rare occasions when she would visit her children she saw my picture on his computer screen saver. Her comment to him was that she was shocked that he moved on so quickly. 

After we married he and the children moved across country to live with me and my son. When she was in town to visit her children and in any communications she had with him or the children she behaved like your husband does towards me. 

Even though she was well into her new life with other men she was constantly attacking me.

The first time she was nice to me was this year, 12 years later. She thanked me for raising her children and caring so much for them. She said a lot of other nice things. I was in shock but at this point I don’t care. She caused so much pain for her children and for me over the last 12 years that I’m not celebrating her change of heart.


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## anchorwatch

You're Plan B. Plan A didn't work out. Now he's bothered and jealous Plan B isn't an option.


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## SunnyT

He could just be jealous of your life. If you are seemingly happy, moved on, life is good for you, etc.... 

Maybe his life isn't turning out as he imagined it would. Part time kids, ex moved on... just not what he had pictured. 

Either way...let it go. Who cares what an ex thinks? It's HIS problem.


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## Chaparral

The karma bus hit and he don't like it. Great news.


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## Emerald

Your b/f is right. Your exH relationship with the OW didn't work out, so he probably wants you back.

Stop overthinking it & worrying about it. Do you still have feelings for your ex? Do you want to get back with him?


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## wiigirl

anchorwatch said:


> You're Plan B. Plan A didn't work out. Now he's bothered and jealous Plan B isn't an option.


I would say this and also I think guys are territorial.


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## Married in VA

Women are territorial too. My STBXW gets very jealous if I even mention seeing someone else. She was the one who cheated and has an OM now. 

I don't think it's a gender thing, I think it's a human emotion called jealousy. The thought that you can't have something makes you want it more.


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## heavensangel

You're Plan B. Plan A didn't work out. Now he's bothered and jealous Plan B isn't an option.

This! The bliss he left you for is no longer...... he'd rather go back to what he knows, chill out until the next new 'thing' comes along, then move on with her. Your bf is in the way of that. 

You know what they say about 'karma'. He made his bed, now he can lay in it! Alone for the time being. Personally, I wouldn't worry about it!! Enjoy the new life you're building with your bf and kids.


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## sandc

Yeah he's jealous. He thought he'd move on with life and you'd spend the rest of your life pining for him. Now that he sees a new man living with you and his girlfriend left him the reality of his situation has hit home. He's sad and lonely and you're not.


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## January

Thanks for the responses. It helps me to better understand it. Although it still seems odd to me that he would feel any jealousy when he was the one who left us. I grieved after he left. I cried. It hurt. But in the end, I moved on. I am happy with my new Boyfriend.


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## January

heavensangel said:


> You're Plan B. Plan A didn't work out. Now he's bothered and jealous Plan B isn't an option.
> 
> This! The bliss he left you for is no longer...... he'd rather go back to what he knows, chill out until the next new 'thing' comes along, then move on with her. Your bf is in the way of that.
> 
> You know what they say about 'karma'. He made his bed, now he can lay in it! Alone for the time being. Personally, I wouldn't worry about it!! Enjoy the new life you're building with your bf and kids.


Perhaps he considered me "Plan B" but I refused to be his second choice. That "woman" wanted him so bad, I let her have him. I just couldn't see the win in having a lying, cheating bastard for a man.


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## KathyBatesel

January said:


> 1. My ex husband left me to be with the woman he cheated on me with. He obviously did not want me. So now why when I have entered a new relationship, 2 years after we separated, does he show signs of being insecure about it?
> 
> 2. Does my ex view my current boyfriend as "an intruder"? That's how my boyfriend described it to me. He says it does not matter that my ex and I separated two years ago or that he did not take me away from him. That it is him and not my ex here with his "wife" and children and that my ex now feels he is stuck on the outside looking in.
> 
> 3. Did I make a mistake talking about my ex husband to my boyfriend? I did get really bitc..hy about it. I know my boyfriend does have resentment issues against women because of his own ex and the stuff she put him through. I think I may have accidentally triggered something emotional in him. (Well, against women who use the child as a pawn against the Father and/or deny visitation)
> 
> 4. Has anyone else--one to two years AFTER a relationship ended---did you feel any jealousy when your ex entered a new relationship?
> 
> 5. Or am I just over thinking things?
> 
> Thank you for any responses.



Male brain in female body answering here: 

1. It's not about you. It's about how your ex sees himself. He wants to prove his masculinity to himself by being appealing to other women. Since you once saw him as appealing enough to marry, he sees you as a means to feel better about himself.

2. Yes, he sees your new guy as an intruder. As the parent of his children, he feels he has an emotional claim on you that is somehow more valid. 

3. No, I don't think you made a mistake talking to your boyfriend. You were honest and transparent, and it gives you an opportunity to evaluate how you work together as a couple to address challenges to the relationship.

4. Many people do. It can take a very, very long time to get over a divorce, and people who get into rebound relationships sometimes postpone the full grieving/healing process. 

5. Yes. Just keep good boundaries between you and your ex so that your new guy doesn't feel like you're being disloyal to him.


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## sandc

January said:


> Thanks for the responses. It helps me to better understand it. Although it still seems odd to me that he would feel any jealousy when he was the one who left us. I grieved after he left. I cried. It hurt. But in the end, I moved on. I am happy with my new Boyfriend.


And even if you never felt the need for it... THIS is the best revenge.

People don't get it that cheating not only hurts the betrayed spouse, it ultimately hurts the wayward spouse as well.

Live a happy life.


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## January

sandc said:


> And even if you never felt the need for it... THIS is the best revenge.
> 
> People don't get it that cheating not only hurts the betrayed spouse, it ultimately hurts the wayward spouse as well.
> 
> Live a happy life.


Hmm....I kind of like the thought of him hurting. Not that I'm into seeing people suffer, I'm really a nice person. But in his case, I can make an exception. Let him feel the pain he put me through.


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## sandc

try not to. everyone thinks that the opposite of love is hate it's not. the opposite of love is apathy. you should move on with your life and give him no more thought except when you have to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## January

sandc said:


> try not to. everyone thinks that the opposite of love is hate it's not. the opposite of love is apathy. you should move on with your life and give him no more thought except when you have to.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm over him. I feel no love for him anymore. However, one thing does still bother me. That is he never had and still has not had any regret, remorse or guilt over what he did to me. And it's been two years now since we split.


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## sandc

I'll bet he does have regret. Regret at getting caught. Regret at losing his girlfriend. Regret at losing you as Plan B. Remorse? No, probably not.

But you can be okay without that can't you?


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## RandomDude

Looks like he's feeling the regret that cheaters do need to feel for any hope of change. Believe it or not, this is a healthy experience for him.

However, if I was you, I would just let your ex husband cry, you've found someone else who deserves your full attention now. Don't look back, there's nothing there. What you have right now is good and it's right in front of you.


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## smethjoso

I have been in a ltr for many years and my ex hubs is friendly with my mate. They go golfing together!


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