# Why am I so close to the edge over this??!!



## chiksam (May 4, 2012)

Thanks for your replies on my last thread everyone. They have collectively helped me to push my (surprisingly) resistant mind towards recognising the facts here. But I'm sitting behind my computer feeling like I've really had enough...I feel devastated about the end of a 7 month relationship?! Why?! It's like this is worse than my divorce...I'm thinking the pain might be because this has opened some very similar issues up for me...similar to the ones I've had before in my life.

I decided, probably foolishly, after 10 days of NC to call my gf as we'd arranged (we said we'd speak in a week or so and see how we were feeling after taking some "space"). She wasn't home (I think she just didn't answer me...she knew I was calling). So I just sent her a text saying that after taking some time to think, I realised that we'd dived in too deep and that maybe we could talk about slowing things down. Also said I understand if that's not cool for her right now...but feel like I'm in limbo.

She read it there and then (it was a WA message)...but just ignored it...and (for the first time, since I discovered she'd signed up to it after I'd taken her out for a VERY expensive meal, and planned a romantic date with her to begin the process of us working things out) I checked whether she's been on that bloody dating site and she'd been on in the last 24 hrs...again)...so that's it, I'm done with this girl...she has majorly hurt me over the last few weeks for a number of reasons and I just wanna get them off my chest:

(1) She spent WEEKS being cold, resentful, and distanced from me (with small forays of intense affection thrown in). I had NO IDEA what was going on...and I'm not gonna just smile and pretend everything is fine in such a situation. I'm a human being and I did what I do in such situations - I attempted to communicate with her, to ask her what's going on with her. She REPEATEDLY fobbed me off but assured me she didn't want us to end?! It isn't "clingy" NOT to be OK with that and to want to know what the deal is...shouldn't that be the least we can expect from our partners?

(2) How TF am I supposed to just KNOW that she's had a change of heart, her feelings have changed, is feeling like she needs a break, or wants out if she CANNOT discuss such things with me like a mature adult? By not acknowledging my feelings and attempts to communicate with her for weeks (OF COURSE I was looking for answers...and OF COURSE she had them) she just hurt me (and I know, maybe I hurt myself) continuously. It was always like I had to pry everything out of her. But I trusted her when she said she did not want out and just needed space...seems that was a big mistake.

(3) It's not the fact that her feelings changed that hurts me, actually. It's the fact that she REFUSED to give me the respect to talk to me about what was going on AND THEN continued to use a dating site while she knew I was suffering and confused. That's f*&ckin low and a crappy thing to do to somebody that really can't be defended...clearly she didn't care about me at all.

(4) Hey...I admit that things moved way too fast. But a relationship is a dynamic that is created by TWO people (and believe me, she played her part in the speed...she'd be upset if I didn't text her on her coffee break AND her lunch break every day, she begged me to call her every night, she was talking about having a child with me and marrying me, she'd shower me with gifts...and it took ME a while to get up to HER pace at the beginning) and WE BOTH played our part in dictating the pace of our relationship. When things got to the point where there was a need to slow things down (after I'd got up to her initial speed) it isn't a crime to make that known to the other person kindly and maturely...rather than shut down, distance yourself, treat them like crap, and basically abuse them through quite powerful displays of passive aggression. I was only continuing along as we had done for 6 months up to that point?! She always said that her EH and her had been living together within 3 months, were engaged within 6, and had three kids within 5 years. She also said she realised she didn't love him quite early on. I'm starting to wonder whether he was simply an earlier version of me...a guy who she sucked into a whirlwind...but that he was unfortunate enough to be trapped in a marriage with her when her true colours emerged...maybe he wasn't the a**hole she portrayed?!

Feel like I wanna write her a scathing e-mail to tell her what I think of her crappy behaviour... Yet feel like I desperately miss her. In many ways this first post-divorce relationship has sent me back to square one...I feel ALL the things I felt when me exW did exactly the same to me. I feel like "if only" I'd done X, or Y, or Z...then she'd have felt differently and this wouldn't have happened  Took me ages to get over that when my exW left.

Do you guys think I should send her an e-mail telling her that she has dealt with this ending in a VERY hurtful, dispespectful, and crappy way? Or should I now just walk away into the sunset saying nothing after my last offering above? This has really broken me...I feel like such a loser...and I also feel like I have lost faith in relationships. I'm developing an aversive belief about them and this has reinforced that significantly


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

Just leave her alone.... walk into the sunset and dont bother looking back. When she (or IF she) contacts you just IGNORE her.
YOU MUST STOP PLAYING MIND GAMES ON YOURSELF! 
Having selfrespect is a must!


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## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

Detach the emotional hose and walk off into the sunset. She is a woman that is not worth a second more of your time or thought.
Then do yourself and your future relationships with women a big favour. Read No More Mr Nice Guy and heal yourself of your overt niceness.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Don't have anything else to do with her. Make this decision and stick with it. You're not in LOVE, you're infatuated at best. And yes, regardless, the relationship went too fast. She's not ready for one, you're not either. And for sure you'r enot working together in a relationship with each other. Talking about marriage and kids within 7 months is too fast. 

Don't let this get you down on relationships. The human race wouldn't exist if people stopped having relationships due to broken hearts and crappy behavior. But DO look deep within yourSELF and decide who YOU are, what YOU want, and keep looking for the one who enhances those parts of you. And for whom you can do the same. It's possible to have a healthy relationship, of course. But you have to love yourself before you can love someone else. And you're still too sensitive in your heart to do this full speed. You aren't ready for a lifelong committment, even if that's what you want. 

If you want it bad enough, you'll do the self-work and it will come to you. I know this. It's not simple, and it's not fast. Nothing that's of good quality is easy or quick. You have to put the rubber on the road in order to get traction in your own life. Once you are sure about who you are, you can be sure who you want to share your life with.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

chiksam said:


> ...
> Do you guys think I should send her an e-mail telling her that she has dealt with this ending in a VERY hurtful, dispespectful, and crappy way? Or should I now just walk away into the sunset saying nothing after my last offering above? This has really broken me...I feel like such a loser...and I also feel like I have lost faith in relationships. I'm developing an aversive belief about them and this has reinforced that significantly


Good god, man. You are way too intense. The minute she started ignoring you and treating you poorly, you should have cut her off and moved on. Especially early in a relationship, you gotta stand up for yourself and not put up with these silly childish games. What did you do? You played her games, fueling the drama.

You are beyond co-dependent. Try just casual dating...this last chic was talking marriage with you in the first few months! RED FLAG. 

She was encouraging her kids to celebrate fathers day for you and buy you fathers day gifts??? They're not your kids! So, if she dates another guy next year and does the same thing, and then the next year, etc....what do you think that's gonna do to her kids? 

She blew you off on the birthday plans for a BBQ she forgot to tell you about, she was sending you all kinds of signals that she was no longer interested, she signed up for a dating site when she was "with you", you demand she takes it down?...You should have ended it, dead and buried relationship.

She wasn't really "feeling it" with you, but wanted to string you along, just in case/and until someone better comes along. You gotta be able to see stuff like this.

If the relationship has issues like this within the first year, it's not worth saving. 

Move on already. No email, no phone calls, no texts....block her from your life, and concentrate on yourself. Hit the gym, eat right, maybe go on a trip with friends...just move on, bro.


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

Marsellus Wallace: "Night of the fight, you may feel a slight sting. That's pride ****ing with you. **** pride! Pride only hurts, it never helps. You fight through that ****" -- Pulp Fiction


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