# PLEASE!!! Anyone.... How do I know which one I love??



## confused4sure (Aug 18, 2009)

sorry so long. I have been with my husband for 16 years, married 3. We have a lot of ups and down, my mom and brother both committed suicide, so I have always been kinda insecure, battled bulimia, and drinking, and I am still battling both. We have stayed together because we do love eachother, but I am not sure i am IN LOVE with my husband anymore, I am into horses and go to alot of rodeos which he never does. I have fallen for a person who has worked on and off with me for a few years on my dad's farm. He is 15 years older than me, but it doesn't matter. He is sooo kind to me and tells me what I have always wanted to hear. To make a long story short. Hubby and I have a 2.5 year old boy. I feel like I have fallen for this other guy completely, but sometimes when I am with him, I miss what me and my husband had. The new guy talks about doing things for me that hubby has never done. Checking oil, getting hay etc. How and when do you really ever know that you no longer have it as a married couple? I am so happy when I am with the other person, but is the grass always greener? My hubby is negative, and is hard to be around, he is trying lately however after he reaLIZES i MAY WANT OUT, PLEASE HELP


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Well, you will never have a good marriage as long as you are having an affair (emotional). You can't have it both ways.

Yes, this new guy will tell you everything you want to hear. He has the hots for you. No offense, but just because he talks doesn't mean he walks the walk!


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## confused4sure (Aug 18, 2009)

hOW DO YOU know WHEN YOU DON'T LOVE SOMEONE ANYMORE? i LOVE HIM, BUT AM NOT SURE IF i AM in love WITH HIM??


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

"in love" is not something that lasts without a lot of work. You have to choose to make your love last. that feeling will be fleeting with anyone...trust me. I just had time to throw that in...but I'll check on you later.


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## peanut (Aug 4, 2009)

The grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side. At home, you have to deal with money issues, relationship issues, children...with that "other" person, it is always fun, new, adventurous! Believe me, it happens to everyone. There must be something with your spouse at home if you think of him and miss what you have at home.
Really think things through before you proceed. Dangerous waters. You are definately having an emotional affair and need to end it. Some people just can't be "friends" with the opposite sex without being attracted to them.
Work on your marriage before you start some other relationship.
You must be still "in love" with your husband if you still think of him. If you weren't in love with him still, you wouldn't care anymore.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

If you are married 3 years and the child is 2.5, I'm guessing you got married b/c you were pregnant. If so, you may have married for the wrong reason. Why were you together for 13 years w/o being married? One or both of you probably felt you just weren't "ready" for that, until the pg came along. Then you get married without thinking about the very long time you spent unmarried. 

Truthfully, you will never know if you are in love w/ your husband if you don't get the other man (OM) completely out of the picture. If you want to give the marriage a chance, cut all contact with this OM even if it means foregoing the rodeos, etc., for a couple of years. Then start marital counseling. Give it your best shot. Either way, you will arrive at a decision to stay or leave, your husband will be with you during that process, and you will know you have made the right choice. Good luck.


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## amberlynn (May 24, 2009)

sisters359 said:


> Truthfully, you will never know if you are in love w/ your husband if you don't get the other man (OM) completely out of the picture. If you want to give the marriage a chance, cut all contact with this OM even if it means foregoing the rodeos, etc., for a couple of years. Then start marital counseling. Give it your best shot. Either way, you will arrive at a decision to stay or leave, your husband will be with you during that process, and you will know you have made the right choice. Good luck.


:iagree:


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

confused4sure said:


> I have fallen for a person who has worked on and off with me for a few years on my dad's farm. He is 15 years older than me, but it doesn't matter. He is sooo kind to me and tells me what I have always wanted to hear.


all be darned, does he really? tells you what you want to hear huh? maybe because he knows what you want to hear, because you_ communicated tha to him_. and he's probably just smart enough to figure out that if he says the right things, you'll fall for him. which you have. wisdom of the ages. 15 years older? probably has some attraction to you. _is that something else you wanted to hear?_ just asking.


confused4sure said:


> To make a long story short. Hubby and I have a 2.5 year old boy. I feel like I have fallen for this other guy completely, but sometimes when I am with him, I miss what me and my husband had.


you mean that romantic, googly feeling? you'll miss that after time, and you'll feel it again with someone else. but that doesn't mean that you _no longer have it as..._


confused4sure said:


> ...no longer have it as a married couple? I am so happy when I am with the other person, but is the grass always greener? My hubby is negative, and is hard to be around, he is trying lately however after he reaLIZES i MAY WANT OUT, PLEASE HELP


you say your "hubby" is sooo negative and sooo hard to be around. but you've not given one example of being around him. however you have given us moonbeams about mr. geriatric hottie farmworker man of words. tell us about "hubby." and isn't it wonderful that he has picked up on your vibes that you "may want out?" he sounds like a much more perceptive man that you are willing to give him credit for. sorry to end my sentence with a "for."


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

The deep kind of committed love is priceless.

The "in love" feeling is fleeting and short term. You may have had it with your husband. You may have it with the OM. The problem is...you have the "in love" feeling today....5 years from now it may be gone. Do you go looking for it again?

Stick with what you know. Is your H a good guy? Is he committed? Is he willing to work on a better with you? Is he stable? Give him a try again..


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

V: "Mr. geriatric hottie farmworker man of words".

:lol::rofl: V, you have such a way with words.


OP: You _know_ the answer...you just don't like what your conscience is telling you. You like the other side, then divorce your spouse first, without the other man waiting in the wings. 

When you cut off one leg, it is always easier to walk with a crutch.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Sandy55 said:


> V: "Mr. geriatric hottie farmworker man of words".
> 
> :lol::rofl: V, you have such a way with words.
> 
> ...


sandy...

i agree with you, but the op wants the pain of a divorce to be minimized by the presence of mr. geriatric farmworker smoothtalk. how about this for an idea: dump the cradle-robber, _then _divorce hubby. i don't think she's got the guts to try walking without a "crutch." if i understand your metaphorical reference.


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## SeeThomasHowl (Aug 19, 2009)

Corpuswife said:


> The deep kind of committed love is priceless.
> 
> The "in love" feeling is fleeting and short term. You may have had it with your husband. You may have it with the OM. The problem is...you have the "in love" feeling today....5 years from now it may be gone. Do you go looking for it again?
> 
> Stick with what you know. Is your H a good guy? Is he committed? Is he willing to work on a better with you? Is he stable? Give him a try again..


:iagree:


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

You can't have it both ways... and if I were you, I'd love your husband and have the friend, be just a platonic friend, work on raising your son with your husband.


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## confused4sure (Aug 18, 2009)

i fell like I would be more upset if i came to work and the OM was not here than if I went home and hubby was gone. i feel like I have a best friend now


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## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

After a while, those feelings you have for OM now, will probably settle into the feelings that you have for your husband now. Of course you would be more upset if the OM was not there - he's giving you excitement and as you said, telling you what you want to hear.

Really, you need to ask yourself, would you leave if the OM wasn't in the picture. If yes, then there you go, if no then ditch the other dude and work on your marriage. 

A good guy would not be trying to make you fall for him, as it seems the OM is doing. He doesn't appear to take your marriage seriously, so what does that say for a possible future relationship with him?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

That's why you have to let him go, completely. Cut off all contact. You cannot make a realistic judgment about your marriage with OM in the picture. 

And even if you decide to leave OM, get rid of OM first. You need time to figure out who YOU are, what YOU want. That cannot happen when you are always linked with a man. You've been with hubby 16 years, were you ever a single adult--over 21? For several years? Get used to yourself and being alone if you want to end your marriage; it's the only way you may find something more meaningful than someone who "tells you what you want to hear." You should be telling YOURSELF what you want to hear so you are not so susceptible to a man who may well have figured out how to press your buttons without ever really meaning what he says. Best of luck.


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## Ingrid (Aug 12, 2009)

Perhaps you are in the relationship with the OM because deep down you know your relationship with your hubby is over. And the OM is showing you that.

It doesn't mean you should be with the OM but I am not going to pass judgement. I think it's a sign saying there's something fundamental missing in your marriage and it's not simply a character flaw. 

The fact that you DO miss your hubby, however, tells me that it might not be actually over but that you and your hubby have drifted away because of neglect. That could be fixable.

I am in a similar situation, but, the few times that my hubby has gone away (on a short trip or something) I don't miss him, I feel relief. As well, although we have grown apart, I don't miss what we used to have. So, I am not sure what to think.


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