# 12 Hours into the process and worried about the kids



## Luonnotar (Aug 2, 2012)

Confronted my H yesterday about his long term EA, and long story short, he sees no point in our trying, and as he's unemployed he told me I need to take care of filing. He has no money.
I'm numb, and exhausted, but at the same time I feel a little relieved. At least the lying and the wondering and the worry are over and I know what's coming next.
I need some advice though.
My biggest concern is about our children's welfare. My sister's divorce nearly destroyed the kids because they fought tooth and nail every time they saw each other. I'm willing to be nice and even talk to the OW if I need to, as long as the kids come out as well as possible. I know this is going to be bad for them, but I need to do whatever I can to make the transition smooth.
Any advice is welcome!
How/what do I tell them? What have you found works/doesn't work in keeping kids happy and loved when their family is changing so radically?


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## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

How old are your kids? The content and timing of the conversations is different for younger/ older kids. For example, if your H is going to move out, a child of 12 needs more lead time to digest the information than a child of 4 days.

In general, it is best to:
tell the kids together,
stress that you two are getting a divorce but that divorce is something that adults do, never something that a parent and child does,
invite questions and follow up conversations


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Couleur said:


> How old are your kids? The content and timing of the conversations is different for younger/ older kids. For example, if your H is going to move out, a child of 12 needs more lead time to digest the information than a child of 4 days.
> 
> In general, it is best to:
> tell the kids together,
> ...


I agree with what Couleur has said. I would add, again depending on their ages, if you can get counselling for them, that would be wise. 

I am blown away by the fact that he has decided it is over, but expects you to pay! You want this, Buster, get a job!!


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## Luonnotar (Aug 2, 2012)

I have a son, 13 and a daughter 15.
I think my daughter is pretty aware of what is going on, but my son isn't so sure.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

Luonnotar said:


> My biggest concern is about our children's welfare. My sister's divorce nearly destroyed the kids because they fought tooth and nail every time they saw each other. I'm willing to be nice


It takes two to fight.

You are willing to be nice.

So let him yell and scream. He'll burn himself out quickly enough especially when you don't respond to his attempts to push your buttons.

The kids will see his outbursts, and see you being calm, rational and collected, and they will take solace in the fact that at least one parent isn't a wackjob.

Edited to add.

You don't need to sit there and take it from him, just turn and walk away, or otherwise extricate yourself from the situation as necessary.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

The best thing you can do is just put the needs of your children above your feelings for your ex (and hope he does the same thing). My ex and I have always put our kids first and we get along just fine for their sakes. The marriage is over anyway, what is the point of continuing to try to hurt each other? There is absolutely nothing to be gained and it only hurts your kids.

I think this makes a huge difference for the kids. Mine are young but they seem to have taken the divorce as well as can be expected. Mommy and Daddy just decided they couldn't be married anymore and live in different houses but they don't see or hear anything bad about the other parent EVER.


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## 2much2soon (Jul 26, 2012)

kindi said:


> It takes two to fight.
> 
> You are willing to be nice.
> 
> ...


Well said. Takes two to argue. Take the high road. Your blessings in the end will be far greater. You got this.


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