# When does reality sink in



## Jayb

Post divorce - almost 2 months

I miss being married and the status of all that entailed. I don't miss being married to my ex. 

When does reality sink in? Meaning, very little emotions whatsoever about the ending of marriage. Granted, it was 12 years and we co-parent 2 children.

I long to free myself from the hurt in the past.

Is it just a matter of head down, keep going, time heals wounds?


----------



## 827Aug

That's a variable as everyone and every situation is unique. My estranged husband left nearly 5 years ago after more than 20 years of marriage. All the cheating was bad enough, but it was all the other damage he caused that still haunts me to this day. Although reality is obvious, it may take more years (or a lifetime) to fully recover from the full impact of reality. 

Yes, I sometimes miss the person I married, but I certainly don't miss the person he became. Hope you reach the peaceful plateau soon.


----------



## cantmove

Hey Jayb. It's been a while since you dropped in. I'd ask how you are but I can see. I wish you were better. 827Aug is right. Everyones timetable is different. Be patient with yourself.


----------



## Shooboomafoo

Its been a few months past a year for me since the divorce. The sense of disbelief is gone, but the consequences (financially, attitude-wise, etc.) are still there. I try to keep my distance and nose out of her business, but drop/pickup my kid at the marital home every day the weeks that I have her (every other week), and constantly see the ex's progress. Her live in doosh answered the door the other day, first time Ive been face to face with him. Shirtless and scraggy looking, , this,, this is the man that woman chose to love instead? Around our kid? Things like this still bother me, because its fking stupid of her. Off the cliff she went...

I just dropped the kid off this morning to start her week over there. Moments like this are hard, but there is a break from tending to a 10 yr old and i get a chance to focus on myself for a while. 
Which lately hasnt been a whole lot of anything. But that "shock" is gone, Im noticing a change in the level of hurt the situation has, even at the low moments. Nothing like it was.
I hope you can get there quickly.


----------



## Jayb

Shooboomafoo said:


> Its been a few months past a year for me since the divorce. The sense of disbelief is gone, but the consequences (financially, attitude-wise, etc.) are still there. I try to keep my distance and nose out of her business, but drop/pickup my kid at the marital home every day the weeks that I have her (every other week), and constantly see the ex's progress. Her live in doosh answered the door the other day, first time Ive been face to face with him. Shirtless and scraggy looking, , this,, this is the man that woman chose to love instead? Around our kid? Things like this still bother me, because its fking stupid of her. Off the cliff she went...
> 
> I just dropped the kid off this morning to start her week over there. Moments like this are hard, but there is a break from tending to a 10 yr old and i get a chance to focus on myself for a while.
> Which lately hasnt been a whole lot of anything. But that "shock" is gone, Im noticing a change in the level of hurt the situation has, even at the low moments. Nothing like it was.
> I hope you can get there quickly.



Yeah, our routine is such that I see her a few times a week. Dropping off at the house, or whatever, is a constant reminder. 

I think I'm making progress because I used to breakdown after transitions. Now, I just realize it just is. Sometimes sad, sometimes irritated, but, meh.

Most of my friends are married, so the "couple mentality" is in my face a lot. And, my reaction is, oh yeah, I'm not married anymore, even though I'm over being married to her. I just miss the status.

Noticing lots of things during this time of transition from marriage to independence.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Mine was pretty fast because I had basically decided I needed to leave 3 years before I actually did. I had lots of time to come to terms with it.

I found it easier to meet at a neutral location and selected the local PD - mostly because it was safe after hours and there were cameras. But lots of people chose gas stations, fast food restaurant parking lots, etc. Maybe if you didn't have to see the house it would be easier.

Try to do something she didn't approve of - a hobby or activity you would have never done when you were married. It made me feel very good and capable when I began to volunteer with Habitat for Humanity.


----------



## Jellybeans

There is no magic pill or "day" when it's all in the past. 
Sometimes you'll be fine and remember something that reminds you of good times. 

It's a process. TIME is the only answer. 

And sometimes TIME does not heal all wounds. You will never forget. 

But life DOES go on. It's beautiful.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Jayb said:


> Post divorce - almost 2 months
> 
> I miss being married and the status of all that entailed. I don't miss being married to my ex.
> 
> When does reality sink in? Meaning, very little emotions whatsoever about the ending of marriage. Granted, it was 12 years and we co-parent 2 children.
> 
> I long to free myself from the hurt in the past.
> 
> Is it just a matter of head down, keep going, time heals wounds?


You sound like me. I miss the being married part too.


----------



## Shooboomafoo

The "being married" part sucked for me. It had lots of problems, but none that I didnt think we could get worked out with counseling or actual "effort".. 
But, then one day, she says shes not in love anymore... 
Started checking phone bills, and sure enough hundreds of calls/txts within a single week to some guy from high school...
geez....


----------



## COguy

I wanted to die for about 6 weeks. After that I snapped out of it fast. I don't think that's normal but at the same time I had some good experience from several months prior in dealing with grief and I also felt relieved to not be involved in so many lies and gaslighting.

I think it was healthy for me that I didn't try to lower my pain or grief or numb the pain with any form of drugs or alcohol or anything. I forced myself to work through the sadness whenever I had it, trying to understand what exactly was making me upset. I still do that today, but it doesn't happen that often.

Honestly though I think everyone is different, I usually get over stuff pretty quickly compared to most people.

I thought October would be tough because it was when she cheated the first time but actually I've felt really good about it, like I've overcome and changed so much in this year that it's already a triumph for me.

My friend said holidays will probably be tough, having to be alone for thanksgiving or christmas. I don't know about that but I have some really fun events planned for that time so I'm not sitting at home alone stewing on it. My goal is to make awesome memories this year so I can look back and think about how great my life has been since we split and look even more forward to the future without the ex.


----------



## Dollystanford

I cried for three weeks then got a grip on myself. We'd been drifting apart for a couple of years and hardly spent any time together or did anything together which made it easier to be 'single'

I've been to weddings and funerals alone, I've done my birthday, my daughter's birthday, Easter, been on holiday. I'm away with my family at Christmas so I don't anticipate any issue there either. 

I know I found peace a lot quicker than most people but when you finally do it's completely liberating


----------



## Shoeguy

Like everyone has said it pretty much varies by person. I would suggest turning your focus on yourself and not your old marriage.

The sooner you embrace yourself in a new life the faster that pain is replaced with much better feelings.

Good luck. Some days are tough but we have all been there.


----------



## proudwidaddy

Jayb like everyone else said it takes time. I'm four months post divorce, I am like you I don't miss the ex but I miss what we had. Today I stopped over to hook up our son's xbox he got for his birthday. Also cleaned out my Christmas stuff....have to admit that was tough because Christmas is my favorite holiday and she dropped the divorce bomb during Christmas season. I broke down while separating the ornaments, but now I'm moved on. 

My biggest concern is financially being able to provide a somewhat normal life for my children, myself. I'm dating again to a wonderful woman with a son of her own. I've enjoyed that.

Jelly said it best I dont think time heals all wounds, it just lessens the pain a little.


----------



## Dollystanford

Proud!!!!! Glad you've found someone


----------



## Jayb

proudwidaddy said:


> Jayb like everyone else said it takes time. I'm four months post divorce, I am like you I don't miss the ex but I miss what we had. Today I stopped over to hook up our son's xbox he got for his birthday. Also cleaned out my Christmas stuff....have to admit that was tough because Christmas is my favorite holiday and she dropped the divorce bomb during Christmas season. I broke down while separating the ornaments, but now I'm moved on.
> 
> My biggest concern is financially being able to provide a somewhat normal life for my children, myself. I'm dating again to a wonderful woman with a son of her own. I've enjoyed that.
> 
> Jelly said it best I dont think time heals all wounds, it just lessens the pain a little.


Totally understand. I'm happy for you. I hope to get to your place sooner rather than later.


----------



## Jayb

Shoeguy said:


> Like everyone has said it pretty much varies by person. I would suggest turning your focus on yourself and not your old marriage.
> 
> The sooner you embrace yourself in a new life the faster that pain is replaced with much better feelings.
> 
> Good luck. Some days are tough but we have all been there.


Thanks! You're right. It's tough because, as I'm finding out, I've got a closet full of, well, you know. Processing that ugly stuff then makes me regret the status of "marriage." 

But, the bigger picture in that is to do anything to protect self-esteem. I need to bust through that and do the hard work of objectively (as possible) self-reflecting and recognizing and improving weaknesses.


----------



## Mamatomany

Jayb said:


> Post divorce - almost 2 months
> 
> I miss being married and the status of all that entailed. I don't miss being married to my ex.
> 
> When does reality sink in? Meaning, very little emotions whatsoever about the ending of marriage. Granted, it was 12 years and we co-parent 2 children.
> 
> I long to free myself from the hurt in the past.
> 
> Is it just a matter of head down, keep going, time heals wounds?


Jay if I remember our timelines are similar except yours went faster. I miss the married part too. I miss having a warm body in my bed... companionship... I am in a good place right now, just hope I can stay there!! I am actually hoping doc will take me off the anti-depressants. 

As far as when it will sink in.... I was divorced in my heart since March... May... Sept when he finally signed and Oct when I could finally get into the court. I really feel divorced since spring. Do the whole 180 if you can... try not to see her... get to dating... I am sorry, but I think it is the best thing I did to move on. I could feel like I was worthy and desirable and I could stop hoping for what would never happen. Though I did give him 3 opportunities to try again... 
I think time heals wounds but I also think you have to be active at fixing what wounded you too.

peace!


----------



## Jayb

Mamatomany said:


> Jay if I remember our timelines are similar except yours went faster. I miss the married part too. I miss having a warm body in my bed... companionship... I am in a good place right now, just hope I can stay there!! I am actually hoping doc will take me off the anti-depressants.
> 
> As far as when it will sink in.... I was divorced in my heart since March... May... Sept when he finally signed and Oct when I could finally get into the court. I really feel divorced since spring. Do the whole 180 if you can... try not to see her... get to dating... I am sorry, but I think it is the best thing I did to move on. I could feel like I was worthy and desirable and I could stop hoping for what would never happen. Though I did give him 3 opportunities to try again...
> I think time heals wounds but I also think you have to be active at fixing what wounded you too.
> 
> peace!



Glad to see you're at a better place. 

Oh, my ex and I have so little contact with each other. That is preferable. I just don't care like I did. However, I'm just questioning the whole starting over phase. Everything is new. New hobbies/interests, new needs/wants, new people, new opportunities, new obligations. All coupled being anchored with children who are with me 50% of the time. Maybe it's fear that makes me miss "marriage." Sometimes feel overwhelmed by it all.

Nevertheless, I don't regret being here. I'd rather be alone than with someone who doesn't love, appreciate, nor respect me. A lot of times, I am reminded of aspects of relationships that I don't have. And then wonder how I got to the place I am. The choices that were made by my ex and by me.

Just have to let go.


----------



## stillhoping

Oh, I agree, here, alone is better than "with" someone, just to be with someone. On the other hand, it is hard after 30 years not to miss the little things, the touches, the sharing, the company, the extra set of hands when there are things to do. BUt for me, the worst is what is happening with my kids. Even though they are in their 20's, they hate the parts where they want both parents and then there is the tension. They know stuff about each of us and sometimes they say things about him and I try to be interested to the extent that they feel ok about it, but I don't want to know the details of his life. I have done some dating, just went out with a divorced man with kids about the same ages as mine. We talked about our marriages, and divorces for a bit. Then we tried to stick to current topics, the show we went to see, the weather, etc. But its tough when you are used to being with someone who knows all the players, and in the new relationship, you are constantly explaining everything. Might just need to take it slowly


----------



## stillhoping

I hear you, even the things I can take care of by myself sometimes freak me out, having to do them ALL by myself. But, now that is has been almost 2 years, I realize there are more people in my life who are there for me, and all I need to do is ask for help


----------

