# feeling guilty :-(



## Jenny2012 (Aug 18, 2012)

My husband and I have been married for 3 yrs, we have a 1yr old son and he is our world, his a great boy and healthy we are lucky.

The issue is pretty much me basically. I am insecure and ever since we got married i started questioning our relationship, my love for him etc but basically and truthfully i love him so much and i know now it was the fear and anxiety of marrying as well as other stresses such as family issues nothing got to do with him that started all of this as well as depression I had for over 2yrs I got treatment for that and feel better.

I sometimes feel like my mental health in general is unstable, I found out a few weeks ago I am pregnant again and this was such a shock, I had also took a parttime job trying to gain some independence my own money etc something that I really wanted and something that adds to my insecurity not having my own money. Unfortunately it was totally the wrong job for me and i ended up feeling completely overwhelemed and pressurised as well as having to deal with a highly anxious trainer who chose me as her confidant, it was a nightmare and really set me back mentally.

Finding out i was pregnant in the middle of that was a real shock and i was suffering pretty bad with anxiety the worst i ever had in my life, the thing is my husband is always a support and always there for me, through all the family dramas and tears depression/ recent anxiety it all, he is there.. I really do love him so much but i am afraid i have put him throguh too much and in ways he doesnt see me as a fully competent person, i constantly feel like i am less of a person and i am insecure and i do lack of alot of confidence, whenever im feeling bad I tell him and he is the one to try talk me through things.

In the mist of all of this I feel such strong love for him but yet over the last few yrs since we married I pushed him away too, we started sleeping seprately due to dog allergies, he sleeps with our furry son and i sleep with our son lol. Its basically created this distance between us in ways I feel like phschologically and sometimes when he is in the bed neither of us can sleep because its like a mental block were so usta sleeping apart and we both say we sleep better in our own beds but lately i feel or ver recently that maybe alot of my anxiety about us is due to this. 

Another issue is our sexual relationship, most of the time I do enjoy the intimacy and I like the closeness but sometimes mentally I am just not into it, I know this is not uncommon but me being sensitive I freak out and get all paronoid and then over compensate to my husband worrying that something is up with us or whatever, but bring truthful sometimes i really do feel unfulfilled in this area, ok too much info but equipment wise he is fine its just knowing what too do and how to please me but then i dont even really know myself in ways, he has tried more then me and sometimes i feel a bit closed off sexually and shy of it or something, I hope this is something we can work on, he knows as he says you didnt really enjoy that, but the times i dont enjoy it is when there is no foreplay women need foreplay. 

Anyways pretty much the issues here I have caused myself in ways like I am a bigtime worrier and I compare us to other couples all of that, I love my husband so much and i know his feeling stressed out with me. I just want to make it all better and relax and enjoy our life and be happy! I am always worrying, analyzing, stressing and I am over it! I am due our second child just in second trimester and I want to stop with the insecurity and my own mental agony I put myself through. 

Thanks so much for listening I really need to vent...xxxxx


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Counseling, allergy meds + son in own bed. Start there.

Counseling for you to cope with your issues. You seem very weak minded not being able to handle your own insecurities plus a coworker's issues and you need help dealing with it. Once you cope with those things you won't be pushing your husband away out of the fear of intimacy.

Take allergy meds so the dog can sleep in your room in his own dog bed. Or put him in with your son in his own dog bed as a watch dog over him.

I love my dog and wouldn't get rid of him due to allergies but there are ways to cope and a happy dog is NOT the Alpha Dog. Make him sleep on the floor. He is not to be on equal footing with humans. Dogs feel safer and more secure in a pack. Too many people humanize their animals. 

You should not be sleeping with your son. I know the family bed thing works for some but this isn't a family bed - it's you and your son. He'll never learn to comfort himself and you are missing out on that connection with your husband.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree. One of the first things you need to solve are the sleeping arrangements.

You and your husband should be sleeping in the same bed. If my husband chose to sleep with his dog instead of me, I would feel insecure and insulted. And I'm a dog person.. I have 3 large dogs that that adore.

Allergy meds would help. But I would not live my life taking them every day. So there has to be another solution.

One way to reduce the allergens that come off a dog are frequent baths for the dog. Start giving the dog a weekly bath. Wash all bed linens that he sleeps on often. There are also sprays and wipes you can use on a dog that lesson the allergic affect they have.

The dog has to learn to sleep in it's own bed for your health. You do not need to be taking allergy meds while pregnant. So make reducing the dog's affects on your health priority one.

I like the idea of training you son and your dog to sleep in the same room. This way your son is not alone. 

You need to get your son out of your bed. Do it now, long before your next child is born. If you do not, how do you think your son is going to react to a baby that moves into bed with the two of you? When you have your baby, teach the baby to sleep in it's own crib from day one. And as soon as possible move the baby and it's crib out of your room.

If you want your children to have a strong family, you and your husband have to have a strong relationship. So no kids and no dogs in your bed.

Then, you need to get into individual counseling to deal with your insecurities. They are causing you a lot of problems.


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## Jenny2012 (Aug 18, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Counseling, allergy meds + son in own bed. Start there.
> 
> Counseling for you to cope with your issues. You seem very weak minded not being able to handle your own insecurities plus a coworker's issues and you need help dealing with it. Once you cope with those things you won't be pushing your husband away out of the fear of intimacy.
> 
> ...


Thank you very much for your advice, I totally agree with everything you said, thanks very sweet of you to take the time to reply, I hope you get good karma for being such a lovely person.


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## Jenny2012 (Aug 18, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I agree. One of the first things you need to solve are the sleeping arrangements.
> 
> You and your husband should be sleeping in the same bed. If my husband chose to sleep with his dog instead of me, I would feel insecure and insulted. And I'm a dog person.. I have 3 large dogs that that adore.
> 
> ...


Thank you very much, yeah its time for us to start sharing a bed and get my son into his own room, it will be good for us all and I think it will make a major difference to how we are, we slept together last night and my son was in cot beside us he woke up crying and i took him into bed with us then the dog came to our door so i slept but husband was wrecked today, we need to get more organised we sudnt be losing sleep over our dog.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

You're right about meds, Ele - I forgot she was pregnant with her second child.

Jenny, there will be a couple rough weeks but soon everyone will adjust and you will be all the better for it. For your son, try a warm bath before bed, a story, quiet music... and do it every night. Routine is necessary for a young child - he will learn to expect the nightly sequence ends with him in his own bed dozing off.

I remember how hard it was to wean my daughter off of feedings on the middle of the night and letting her cry it out. It's tough but really, a week or two of misery and then finally peace.


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## Jenny2012 (Aug 18, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> You're right about meds, Ele - I forgot she was pregnant with her second child.
> 
> Jenny, there will be a couple rough weeks but soon everyone will adjust and you will be all the better for it. For your son, try a warm bath before bed, a story, quiet music... and do it every night. Routine is necessary for a young child - he will learn to expect the nightly sequence ends with him in his own bed dozing off.
> 
> I remember how hard it was to wean my daughter off of feedings on the middle of the night and letting her cry it out. It's tough but really, a week or two of misery and then finally peace.


Hi there,
yes routine is really important, my son is 1 so the feeds at night are over i stopped breastfeeding months ago, he just wakes up looking for dummy or just trashing around the cot, his only recently in his cot so he is between cot and bed if you know what I mean, we will get there, thanks so much for the advice I will try get a set routine going for all of us so it will become second nature. Then baby will come and it will be choas again for a while lol.


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## Jenny2012 (Aug 18, 2012)

So we attempted the sleeping in same room last nite, to be honest i really think I have now made it this big thing in my head in stead of just relaxing, pregnancy hormones dont help.

My husband was wrecked so he fell off to sleep straight away snoring then the dog just would not relax he was licking himself making noise jumping up and down I just couldnt relax myself and go to sleep so I said to husband to go down with him as I need rest i am pregnant, still didnt sleep when they went down, I guess its the way it is, I think my health and trying to become stress free as much as possible is the priority now, it just doesnt work our dog in the room because of the wooden floors and the noise and the face that its this issue in my head isnt helping, its like last night there was no milk and all i cud think of was a cup of tea because knew i cudnt have one lol. when u make it an issue its even harder to block out the dog or even my husband snoring which he doesnt do all night but its enough too get me worked up. I guess we will get there eventually, we are both on the same page about it there will come a time we will have too sleep together as there will be no room with the kids we will make it work, right now i just cant stress about things anymore.


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## Jenny2012 (Aug 18, 2012)

We cant leave the dog downstairs he would go crazy as he is so usta sleeping with us or my husband plus he has been through alot with our son becoming part of the family, he was very spoilt but now i have little time too give him attention, his being very good and his a lovely dog, we love him to bits.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

OP, you are flowing with all winds, from emotion to emotion.

You got good advise, now order the advise into a new lifestyle.

Seek discipline, do it step by step. 

Plan what you do, and do what you plan.


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## Jenny2012 (Aug 18, 2012)

See_Listen_Love said:


> OP, you are flowing with all winds, from emotion to emotion.
> 
> You got good advise, now order the advise into a new lifestyle.
> 
> ...


Hi there,
I see what you are saying, it just seems so much easier to talk about it meaningfully but putting it into action is harder, when our second child my husband will have to be in room with the older son becasue he works and if he is woken throughout the night with our newborn he will be wrecked at work, Its just the way it is , I am sure there are other families dealing with similar issues, and I totally take on board what u are saying that i was given good advice and should take it and do it but in reality we could do that now then when the baby is born he would have to sleep seprately anyway.

When I went through my depression it was really hard like i was crying every day, my family like my own family I dont speak too my sister and rarely too my mother, I keep my distance and do my own thing, they are really crazy in many ways and like to cause issues in your life, this is where the seed and worry was planted in my mind about my life with my partner, its also based in alot of insecurities within myself. I also have OCD I obsess alot about things its a way of calming my anxiety or any worry i may have. When i took the p/t job things spiralled and I felt so overwhlemed i actually got a really bad bout of anxiety and started to worry about that trainer i mentioned in my OP. 
She had major anxiety and I feared I was going to end up like her so i pretty much got the most anxious i had ever been and left the job, I am getting over that but its been hard, its not about her its more about me, i know that I know that that anxiety had to be there within myself to be triggered.

I really resonated with what the first reply said about being weak in my own mind, this is very true, i let others influence me alot and i worry alot about what people think, my sister had a habit of trying to bring me down or plant seeds of doubt in my head about my relationship and then totally deny that she was doing it, she is totally toxic and not good for me so i had no other choice but to cut her out and I know for sure it was the right decision, its still hard though.

I feel I am getting better, because i really do see things clearly I see how i am but sometimes old habits die hard.

thanks.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

I see the complexity, so I would advise two things to start with. If you start so small that you can hold on to a new habit, then your success in life and relations will follow. I mean this literally. You can start with such small steps that you would be ashamed to tell anybody. But it works, because small steps that work will give joy and confidence and you can take a next small step.

But it's like exercise, you will try and fail but if you continue to put in time and effort you body and mind will grow used to it. After some time it goes automatically and you will LIKE to do something new in addition. I hope you will try this for yourself.

Now what I would advise:

- Make appointments with him to have sex dates every week. Schedule this. Then arrange a romantic setting of where you can have intimacy and make love. Music, candles, lingery, the works. This is actually looking like a big step, but the scheduling and some romantic arrangements can be quick wins.

- Take up a new sport/hobby of a kind that will give you a new experience and a new self confidence. This can be karate, yoga, or whatever. Be satisfied with small steps. Body and mind will be exercised to your benefit.


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## Jenny2012 (Aug 18, 2012)

See_Listen_Love said:


> I see the complexity, so I would advise two things to start with. If you start so small that you can hold on to a new habit, then your success in life and relations will follow. I mean this literally. You can start with such small steps that you would be ashamed to tell anybody. But it works, because small steps that work will give joy and confidence and you can take a next small step.
> 
> But it's like exercise, you will try and fail but if you continue to put in time and effort you body and mind will grow used to it. After some time it goes automatically and you will LIKE to do something new in addition. I hope you will try this for yourself.
> 
> ...


you are so nice, thank you very good suggestions, everything is habit. thanks.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

And read up on Walk-away-wives. You're on your way.


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## Jenny2012 (Aug 18, 2012)

MrK said:


> And read up on Walk-away-wives. You're on your way.


walk away wives jasus dont like the sounds of that one lol


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## Jenny2012 (Aug 18, 2012)

I looked that up Mrk i can see where u are trying to get across that it is not the right thing to walk away from a good marriage all marriages need to be worked on, your comment although i am fully aware unintended spiked alot of anxiety within me, because for me and my husband to seperate is the last thing I want.

I am pretty burnt out emotionally, and it is all pretty much from my own anxiety, we do have issues like i said above sexually things could be alot better but thats not all my husbands fault, I myself am pretty closed off in many ways. 

I cant live like this anymore though , analyzing, crying, worrying , I have been pretty obsessive about relationships from an early age, except the men i chose were usually unavailable and i spent my time obsessing about them at a distance, with my relationship with my husband the relationship is very real and I am very insecure, so the anxiety is very high most of the time, but im thinking and really realising I either leave him and life wouldnt end I would be okay and he would support his children but i dont want to do that, his a great man and a great dad, his a heart of gold and I am so lucky i met him, the logic doesnt fit for wanting to leave this marriage other then the fact that i am anxious about being in a serious relationship. 

I never thought about it in terms of the seriousness until we married but then again i also went through a very stressful time outside sources and then the focus on my husband got really intense.

I read websites last night about how anxiety affects a relationship tbh been reading these for yrs now but last night I just felt sorry for others who were posting similar too me, i thought it sounds like hell, but here i am doing the same, im afraid and im so afraid of losing what i love, its scary too love, like my son sometimes i cant breath i love him so much, sometimes i cant cope in a relationship i just want to be alone and not have to deal or worry about another person, not have to worry if my emotional baggage is weighing them down, or is im making them unhappy not have to worry about something bad happening and the pain that would bring. But then my husband said to me you would be lonely and i know i would be so alone and miserable and I wouldnt meet my husband again in any man someone i love as a human being with all my heart. 

Life is hard sometimes but its only when its real love its scares a person like me who never had any example of it or any positive stories to go by, I am breaking the cycle thou, im going to block out negative draining thought and think positive, stop posting about my problems and worries making them bigger for myself and just live my life and try to love as best I can and switch off from the fear. 


thanks.x


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## Jenny2012 (Aug 18, 2012)

Jenny2012 said:


> I looked that up Mrk i can see where u are trying to get across that it is not the right thing to walk away from a good marriage all marriages need to be worked on, your comment although i am fully aware unintended spiked alot of anxiety within me, because for me and my husband to seperate is the last thing I want.
> 
> I am pretty burnt out emotionally, and it is all pretty much from my own anxiety, we do have issues like i said above sexually things could be alot better but thats not all my husbands fault, I myself am pretty closed off in many ways.
> 
> ...




Also another massive part of this is my own family, they are really toxic for me and the amount of abuse and bullying my sister gave me throughout the yrs in crazy, then she turns it on me and says the reason I am so paroniod is because im unhappy-this adds to my stress. She pretty much tried to break me and husband up at the start with snide comments about me being too young for him not true, when i was going through stress she would put words into my mouth, make out im unhappy etc comment on my husband like what his doing round the house and it would be intentional and quite obvious trying to drag me down, how can you cope with this, well i couldnt so i cut her off after she told me dont get too excited bout pregnancy u cud miscarry and going on about all this crazy stuff that was way ahead of me, she stirs anxiety in me.

My mother is the same to a lesser extent, she also passes comments on relationship and makes out like his controlling me or is tight with money both not true, i am very sensitive but for good reason, my mother has broken up other family relationships and i dont want her to have any influence on mine, so i keep my distance, i never see them but they my mother and sister make out im the one with mental problems, sorry i am posting this because i saw something my sister posted on fb thru a friend about letting someone go and sort there head out before letting them back into ur life!!definitely about me and its ironic as i let her go, she is a total twister.

My mother recently posted dont visit me when i die I needed you when i was alive, well i needed not to be abused and mistreated, i needed stability not constant arguing and adult talk around a 6yr old my neice who has mental problems even at that age, my sister pretty much accused her dad of touching her totally untrue she treats him like a piece of ****, treats alot of people like **** and then they wonder why i dont have it in my heart to be part of that dysfunction, i cant cope too much has happened and i literally feel anxiety around them at this point because i feel anxiety within myself , when i go home its terrible i just feel like its all wrong and half the time im pretending to be someone im not to please my brother who is an alcoholic, im walking on eggshells wondering am i gonna say something to make him paroniod. My sister gives too me then attacks me, theres always an argument with her so what is the point, its sad to say for me i cant see things improving and this really gets me down but I have moved on....sorry i am seriously venting here. aarghh


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