# Nothing changes. I cannot take it anymore, need advice please.



## NothingNothing (Mar 7, 2009)

First, I don't know how anyone keeps these short?!?!

My husband and I have been together for almost 9 years, married for almost 4. We have a son who is 19 months old and I'm currently pregnant with #2 due in August. My husband is a fun-loving guy and always has his eye out for fun/new/interesting things to do and I love that about him. Unfortunately, he lacks the responsibility gene and is completely blind to his never-ending list of double standards.

Basically, I just can't stand being around him anymore. I honestly feel like I adopted him, not married him. I feel cheated, manipulated, lied to and definitely unloved. He's extremely self-centered and despite my efforts to point out examples of this he insists that I am just a nagging B**** that he will NEVER be able to make happy... the problem is that he doesn't even try.

We live in an expensive home that we were able to afford because I made a great deal of money from my condo I sold when the market was up. The proceeds of that sale were used to put the entire down payment on our house (about 120K) and the balance of about 30K was put into a joint savings account. He was fired from his job at about the same time we put a contract on the house and he was kind-of forced to take a lesser-paying job, so he'd have the required pay stubs for the lender etc. So, this is where the trouble began as I see it... we moved from a condo to a beautiful brand new house about a block from the water and he became a totally different person. 1st he was totally obsessed with my job search. I quit my job because it was over an hour and ½ each way commute and I just wanted to find something closer to home. I did find a new (extremely well paying) job, closer to our new home and I did it before my money (final pay/vacation pay) ran out from the previous job. But he was just relentless about ‘helping me’. We had about 900 discussions about it; I asked him repeatedly to stay out of it. One day, early in the morning while he was getting ready for work, he started in on the whole job search tangent and I basically just blew-up and told him that I didn’t ask for his help, didn’t want it, and frankly it was totally overbearing and getting on my nerves and to PLEASE STOP! The argument escalated and he eventually ended up throwing a shower-curtain rod at me in the bathroom (he missed me). Never mind the fact that he was making a third of what he made at his previous job and that he promised as SOON as we closed on the house he'd get a better job. He stayed at that job for over a year and NEVER made a single commission the entire time he worked there. He just kept saying that THEY needed him and he’d leave after this or that, but he never did... well, not until I became pregnant with our 1st child and he found out how much daycare costs. We used money from savings to make up for his income short-falls. But, aside from the financial aspects; he was just a bear to live with. I worked further away than he did, so he was home about 2 hours more than me each day and he did exactly NOTHING around the house in the form of upkeep/chores. He likes to cook, but too bad, not to clean the kitchen after. He was constantly complaining to me about how 'dirty' the house was and why wasn't I cleaning it? I really resented this. Just clean whatever it is you think needs to be done, buddy?! Unfortunately, in my efforts to makes us equals and not rub it in his face about that I made so much more (ego-protecting) and to 'keep peace', I allowed him to control basically everything we do; everything we spend etc. etc. I wanted to get new furniture/blinds etc for the house; he just wanted to leave money in the bank... and then he'd spend it on whatever he wanted (say a boat slip or season tickets to a NFL team) and then couldn't figure out why I was mad... he tried to 'sell' me these things as 'quality time for us' instead of frivolous spending. I never bought it. And then he’d give me a hard time for say buying blinds without consulting him 1st. And I fell into the trap every time. I’d try even harder to discuss each ‘big’ purchase with him and then he’d want to put it off for whatever reason or just say let’s talk about it whenever and then every time I’d bring it up, he’d get that ‘I’d rather die than talk about this right now’ look on his face and I’d drop it. Always the peacekeeper and fight-avoider… I realize now that this is just how he controlled me. It’s so frustrating to me to know realize all of this now.

I thought a lot about leaving him then. I was just so sick of all the double standards etc., but I was also hearing my biological-clock ticking away and decided that I wanted to try to start a family, we discussed it and he just said he wasn’t ready. I was 34 then and was like… well, if you didn’t wait so long to marry me I wouldn’t be this old, but if I’m going to have 1/2/3 kids, I really need to get started. So, a few months went by and we never tried or anything and then we had a whole bunch more fights etc. and I told him that I just didn’t think it was going to work out; that he was too selfish and immature and that I just couldn’t stand it, I told him I definitely thought we should wait another year before trying to bring any kids into the relationship. Well, the very next time we had sex, he ‘stayed in’ for the 1st time EVER. Two weeks later I was looking at a pos. pregnancy test. I wont lie I was ELATED. I may not have had the ‘dream wedding’ planned since I was a child, but I always wanted to be a mom. Unfortunately, this is just going to be another adventure of how selfish my husband can show me he is. Not a moment of excitement did he ever show the whole pregnancy. He never bought a toy or outfit; didn’t help with the registry/the nursery. He didn’t want to tell people, not even at a family gathering of his family (which is super rare) Eventually, his mom found out when I told my brother who called us from Afghanistan (that’s how I told my whole family when they were over for an xmas party… except I had already told my mom privately and he was supposed to do the same.) Can you imagine my horror when she was standing there just staring at us. I know she was so upset. I always wanted the ‘sex’ of the child to be a surprise, but he confessed to me that he just had to know because if it was to be a girl, he didn’t think he’d be able to hide his disappointment in the delivery room (certainly not the way I had to hide my disappointment of the non-involved father making the most ridiculous statements I had ever heard) So, of course, when the opportunity arose, we found out it was a BOY! More ‘nothing’ reaction; still nothing! Not one ounce of excitement did he ever show. And he never helped with even one-baby related item either before or after our son was born. I wish I had the strength to spare you the entire birth story, but seriously… my water broke and contractions started and the doc said to go back to bed. Well, that is nice, but how do you sleep and time contractions? He yelled at me when I asked him to help me time them, so I just left the room and called my sister. When my screaming finally woke him, he came in the guest room to yell at me again and all I said was ‘we have to leave right now… if it isn’t already in the car, we don’t need it’ I walked myself down the stairs, out the door and into the car where I sat for a ½ hour while I waited for him to let the dog out, close all of our windows, pack his bag and whatever the hell else he did while I was going to a ‘10’ in our car. Yes, we made it to the hospital, but I got the ‘it’s too late for an epidural’ speech. Apparently 1st time moms aren’t supposed to have 3 hour labors, but I digress… He actually admit that he handled that whole situation wrong, but nothing will ever excuse that one. He literally yelled at me for making too much noise and that “You’re going to wake the neighbors” You can tell he was listening in that birthing class (or didn’t I mention he brought his fishing magazine and asked me about 20 times if he could leave)

We’ll I did the whole new-baby every 3-hour drill by myself; he got earplugs and complained TO ME about how tired HE was. I was doing 100% of the baby care AND working/pumping and he was still Mr. If I go to work and come home I’m done thing. He never even gave our son a bath nothing… oh, and did I mention he was nagging me about cleaning etc. I finally went behind his back and hired a cleaning lady and he still wasn’t happy because now we have ‘strangers’ in our home and there is no reason that ‘WE’ can’t get it done. WTF? My point was that I only got to spend a few hours a day with my son and when the weekend rolls around, I have enough to do with laundry/cooking/running around etc. He still doesn’t get it.

Yes, I’ve been told before I don’t know how to make a long story short…

So, I got laid off and was home for about 2 months late in 2007, I was getting severance during this entire time and I did find a new job, again well-paying, closer to home BEFORE the money ran out from the last job. He was also OVERLY involved in my job search, accusing me of ‘doing nothing’ all day (sorry, buddy, but taking care of a 4 month old & looking for a job isn’t ‘nothing.’ But the same old fights ensued. You want to talk about resentment? I was still waking up during the night to feed our son, but now he expected the whole stay at home mom treatment, you know dinner on the table, perfectly kept house etc. Needless to say I didn’t have the desire or energy to deliver. He decided I was just ‘depressed.’ I tried explaining that I was just tired, but apparently all those super-moms out there didn’t help me one bit. Did I mention that we hadn’t had sex since we conceived our son? He refused to talk about this either.

Meanwhile our fights are getting worse and worse. He’s punching walls and doors. Pretty much anytime I try to get him to help or see things from my point of view he has a major blow-up… but this is a much bigger problem to me know, because there is a child around to witness this stuff. We started going to marriage counseling. He did it ‘for me’ since I’M obviously the one with the problem. We started this maybe in April/May of 2008. In my opinion this has had exactly zero value. All we ever do is vent and scream at each other while we are there. Nothing gets solved or resolved. And each time he reminds the therapist that I could use more therapy since I’m so depressed. OH MY! And then, dammitt, my contract at work was up for renewal, and it was somewhat up in the air about it being renewed, so I started the job hunt again. (Man, can I please just have some stable employment??) And , JESUS, did the job search overhaul start again. OMG, I seriously think my head was going to come off my body; we ARE NOT getting into the same fights again, are we? YUP, all day, every day, he’s calling, sending me jobs online, you name it. I BEG him to stop. I bring it up in therapy, and STILL he can’t see that he’s overly involved. I get a HUGE interview at the biggest most-impossible-to-get a job at company in our area (I’m talking 10 min drive to work). It’s maybe Aug/Sept 2008 then and we have our biggest fight ever. I want to go get a haircut before the big interview and he wants to go out on his boat. I remind him that he’s been out on his boat Friday and Saturday and now it’s Sunday and Monday is a holiday (not for all, I’m still going on an interview). Huge fight! I’m screaming like I never have before and I call the hair place to cancel my appointment so he can go out on his boat and as soon as I do that, he decides that NOW, he’s not going to go out on his boat, he going out the next day, same day as my interview… and he’s getting up early to do it, so good luck finding someone to watch our son because he’s not going to be around. Can anyone believe this? So, he goes on a walk with the dog and I leave with our son. There is no way this fight isn’t going to end with me killing him; I was just the most mad I ever have been in my whole life… so after a few hours I come home and he’s not home. I feed our son dinner and start a bath and just as I’m getting him out of the high-chair to take him up to the bath... Mr. Drunken A-HOLE walks in. I asked him to just leave us alone, he’s obviously drunk. I go upstairs to put our son in the bath and he follows us upstairs yelling I don’t know what at me, but basically things along the lines of ‘I run this B****!’ meaning he has control of the house I guess, so I shut the bathroom door and start to undress our son. Well, he assumes that I locked it and proceeds to KICK the door in and grab our son and take him back downstairs. I called his mom in a hurry and asked her to please calm him down. He just smashed the phone on the floor, so then I went upstairs alone and called 911. The police came awhile later and he tried to refuse to let them in, he lied about our argument and said everything was fine. I think I must’ve been in shock because I told them I didn’t want to press charges or anything. I just wanted him to leave me and my son alone for the rest of the night. They told me to take my son upstairs and told him to stay downstairs. I don’t think they were even in the cruiser again before he was back in my face upstairs as I was still trying to give our son a bath, he pushed me out of the bathroom and then went to try to bathe our son and proceeded to fall into the tub. I went to call 911 again, but the phone rang and it was his older brother, so I told him to get my husband under control or he was going to jail. Luckily for me, he was having a hard time putting on our son’s PJs ,so he just gave up and took the phone. Just as I get our son into bed (THANK GOD) and go downstairs (husband is now in our bedroom) His mom and sister show up… anyway, he ends up basically assaulting both of them and trying to force them out of the house, after an hour of useless attempts to reason with a drunk-person. I ended up leaving and going home with my SIL and my MIL stayed at our house. Needless to say, the interview didn’t go so well after all that and when I got home he was Mr. Apologetic (he hardly ever drinks like that) and we decide to address the whole thing in therapy.

This story just goes on and on like this, we get about a month of OK followed by BIG blow-up. But, we were managing much better in therapy and we were doing the required reading and getting along pretty well since our last big fight. My job was extended again, so that was a nice reprieve and we went away for thanksgiving with his whole family and had a very nice time. We had discussed trying for baby #2 and we both thought that the timing was right and I got pregnant pretty easily.

Well, the happiness was pretty short lived because (as usual) he doesn’t want to tell anyone and I’m dying to tell. I joined a mommy-group online where I wrote a post about ‘not finding out the sex’ of the baby and I explained why I found out the 1st time, and that I was definitely going to get the ‘big surprise’ this time. Unfortunately for me, I left the post up on the computer and he read it. And he decided that I needed to apologize TO HIM for posting that, and that it wasn’t true, and that all I ever do is try to make him look bad… well, I just lost it. I basically let loose all that anger from the last pregnancy; my disappointment in him as a father, etc. etc. He couldn’t take it and so he decided to go get our son who had just woken up from his nap (that’s a 1st) Well, I didn’t want him to get our son up yet and expose him to the argument, but he wouldn’t listen to me, so I ended up punching him in the arm and slapping him upside the head to try to get him to NOT open our sons door. He just laughed at me; he was almost giddy with excitement that he now had something to hold over me and proceeded to get our son up. I just can’t seem to control my anger anymore when we fight. It’s almost like I’m turning into a toned down version of HIM; it so disgusting. I just can’t take it anymore… 

and then finally in mid-December, my job ended (the contract cannot be extended anymore) and I’m out of a job. I am getting unemployment and I’m very actively searching for a job again, but we were doing OK with his salary and the unemployment and so I was still trying to keep my job search tailored to the more local area. I cancelled the cleaning lady; took our son out of daycare and I spend his entire nap time every day looking for jobs. And then in Feb, my husband got fired. He’s been home now for 3 weeks. Being a slob, monopolizing the computer, barely helping with our son (but I will say he’s been a much better dad since our son became so much more interactive walking/sorta-talking etc. He gives him baths now too. I should have mentioned this earlier. He’s been much more helpful for about 6 months now). It’s still 80/20, but I will give him some credit when it is due. We got into another HUGE fight last week, but it was not violent or anything. Well, I did smash/dump all beer/alcohol into our sink… it was just another one of those fights where I’m trying to explain to him that it’s unfair for me to be doing 99.9% of everything around the house/with our son etc… and he says the whole thing about me again… I’m depressed. I never want to go anywhere, he might as well be our son’s only parent since he’s the only one that takes him outside, and that HE does 90% of the work around the house, not me. He goes into the usual; I’m trying to do better. I’m going to church; I joined the men’s church club; I’m doing community work etc. He’s not fooling anyone… least of all me. He is just doing all that stuff to have more excuses to be out of the house and NOT HELP! He says this is proof that I just continue to think the worst of him; that I just cannot be happy because no matter what he does; it’s still not good enough. I just can’t even get into all the stuff I asked him to do for the last 3 years that he has continuously promised me that he’d take care of that he hasn’t, so I’m saying Mr. Passive aggressive isn’t really trying to make ME happy; he’s just finding ways to busy himself so he can have an excuse for not being helpful AT ALL. AARRGGHHH. I just can’t take it anymore. That night after we went to bed he proceeded to sit up in be and yell/rant at me for 2 hours. I was just so determined to stay in my own bed an not cave and run to another room, but finally at 1:30 I left and he followed me screaming at me, turning on lights TVs/stereos, blaring music everywhere I went. Seriously, he put TWO more holes in walls, one on our room, one in the office room. I literally begged him to stop following me around, reminded him I was pregnant etc, but he didn’t give up until 3:30 in the morning. I guess that’s when he finally got tired. I slept in the office on the futon and I’ve been there for a week now. I absolutely cannot get past this fight. I don’t want to look at him; I don’t want to breathe the same air anymore. We’ve managed to be civil except for one afternoon I refused to speak with him. Apparently, I’m not ‘helping to resolve’ the issues.

And finally, the week shapes up like this. We both had BIG interviews. He got his job and I was a #2 AGAIN! They loved me, BUT… 

OK, people, do I stay or do I go? It will kill me to leave as I consider this house MINE! But, at the same time for my health well-being it might be the best option. I really don’t know how it would all work? My son and I could definitely go live with my mom, but I’ve put all my blood, sweat & tears in this house. Every piece of furniture is mine, basically anything worth anything here is mine, but I know full well that since we are married anything we got while married (including the house/new furniture) he has a legal right to half or whatever the court decides. But, I’m pretty sure if I go, anything I leave behind will either be destroyed or sold or given away. (It’s what his dad did when his mom left) and the BAD form seems to run in the family. AND, he also said if I left he’d ‘have me’ for abandonment, which I assume is true, but I haven’t looked into it. Am I just blind? Should I have given up long ago? Or is it I'm really just incapable of being happy, because right now, all I can think of is how much easier it would be if I was just alone...

Thank you to anyone who read this long a** post and also thanks to anyone who can offer some insight/advice etc.


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## TIME (Mar 2, 2009)

You must do what is right for you and your children. Your husband sounds violent and scary which would make me worry. As for the house and material things, sounds like you paid for most of it, so I would not just leave it all to him. If anyone leaves it should be him. Maybe being separated will put things in perspective. Take care


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## Iwbsf4e (Mar 7, 2009)

I agree with TIME. You have to do what is right for you and your children. If he is violent towards things, his behavior will eventually escalate. I'm personally shocked at the number of posts I see on here that involve violent husbands. Even if he hasn't hauled off and smacked you in the face, it's still an unhealthy relationship for both of you. Try a separation, and if I were you, I would refuse to come back at all until he is in therapy (if I came back at all). Good luck, and try to be strong. You only live once, and this is not the life you want to live.


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## NothingNothing (Mar 7, 2009)

I can tell you with 100% certainty, he will NEVER EVER leave. That's the only reason I mention me leaving. The only way I'd ever get him out of here is by some sort of legal force. He's never had it so good his whole life and he knows it. His sence of entitlement to everything I'VE worked so hard for is amazing. It's as if just because he got me to marry him he hit the lotto or something. 

I stayed up really late last night reading about a million threads and posts and advice that has been given to other people on this forum. I went to Drconis's myspace page and read his thesises on communication & relationships. I'm truly amazed how articulate and knowledgable so many men are on the topic of marriage. I don't mean surprised, just impressed with so many men offering advice to others. And loving the sometimes blunt advice, "dont be an idiot, pay attention to waht is making your wife upset and change what you are doing" OMG! If my husband would just DO (or not do) some of the things I've asked thousands of times, I'm sure he'd be surprised how much happier I'd be and less stressful our living situation would be. 

I guess my husband is just not as 'evolved.' I have always known he's immature, but I definitely thought that as he aged and had more responsibilities, he definitely rise to the occasion, especially when kids arrived since he alsys talked about wanting them. He told me once the reason he wasn't excited and didn't help was because of ME. Because I was such a nagging B****, he just could 'let' himself be happy or excited for the baby... oh and that I 'forced' him to do something he didn't 'really' want to do. (Clearly his memory of the facts are not accurate).

Why does he always want to blame me for how badly this is all turning out? I found a paper in his dresser today that says the following; I'm pretty sure he brought it to therapy or intended to:
(I assume the following are about me)
Very Judgemental
Resentful - cannot move forward or let things go
Anger
Depressed - diagonsed perviously
Lack of motivation
No remorce for actions - non apologetic
Thryoid - she is great 1-3 days every 2 weeks/like a different person.
(I assume the following are about him)
Violated/Physically&Mentally abused
Disappointed/Let down by her actions, took it to another level
Sad/Upset
Scared
Loss of Love
Not wanted, especially after pregnancy
Set Back
(I guess these are things that he knows better than to bring up anymore, but he wants credit for not doing them)
Not Bugged her about job
Not given her lists of To Dos
Not given her grief about dinner
Not given her grief about laying around all day (her mom did more in a 1/2 day of watching Dylan that she has done in one month)

I'm just wondering if he really means all of this stuff or was it just 'amunition' for therapy to look better in the eyes of the therapist. I'm pretty sure he wrote this one just after the fight where I punched his arm etc. It's like we live in alternate realitities or something. I'll be the 1st to admit (and I have explained this to him many times), that my focus at this point is to find a job. I don't bother trying to do this while my son is awake because he takes a 3 hour nap each day and that is when I search for jobs. I COULD use this time to clean etc (like my mom did when she was here) but that is a conscious choice on my part. It's simply not true that I lay around all day. I'm sure anyone who has spent any time with a 19 month old will agree that it is impossible. ((Also, I've been in the early stages of pregnancy during this time too. I had morning sickness and daily headaches, which was just like last pregnancy. Some days are better than others, but I've had days when I couldn't even open my eyes because the pain was so bad. But, on those days I called my mom to come watch our son and once I asked my husband to come home early from work becauese I just couldn't take the pain and had to lay down. But those are exceptions, not the norm.)) What I really hate is that I'm in a constant state of defending myself and justifying my actions to MY HUSBAND. It's just so much more wasted time and energy. And seriously, when he gets home he walks the dog and gets the mail and considers that 'doing his chores' for the house and that's after he left work late, went to the gym and arrived home in time for me to have already fed our son and gotten him ready for bed. Then he says the usual "i can put him to bed" honey, like that's some big chore that he also gets credit for. Our son basically runs and jumps in the crib at night; he loves going to bed. It's not like he reads him a book or spends extra time with him or something. It's literally walking him up the stairs. This is the stuff that gets my goat so bad... I've made 3 meals, cleaned 3 meals, dressed/changed diapers etc ALL DAY and with one trip up the stairs, he starts acting like father of the year... when he comes back downstairs at 8:30ish THIS is when he decides to ask me what I've accomplished that day and if there is anything else that I need to do... he'll start playing 20 questions so I can't focus on TV or a magazine -OR- he just starts mentioning the 99 things he THINKS I should have done or how I could manage my time better... OMG! Why is he like this? And in the morning I will find a dirty kitchen, a sink full of dirty dishes that aren't mine or our sons and leftovers I had from the day before GONE so he could take them for lunch. Yea, this is definitely the guy I need to learn my time management skills from. Geez, get a clue buddy? You wonder why I'm resentful and angry??!?!

He went away this weekend and I've been trying to come up with some sort of communication plan for us. One of my thoughts was for him to walk around to each room of the house with me and we could both point out things that bother us that we would like the other to work on... for example. He gets the mail every day and every day it lands in a different spot, all over the kitchen, dining area and living room. If my son finds a sheet of paper of any sort he either eats it or shreds it. So, I grab it all up and put it in a bowl on the kitchen table. I KNOW this bothers my husband, not because I moved it, but because i should have found a BETTER place to put it. He of course takes no responsibility for the mail once he's looked at it. It's almost immediately my problem. I've told him before to just stop getting the mail or leave my stuff in the box. I'll deal with my mail when I want to. It's mostly statements, as I pay everything online or have payments set up automatically. And for that matter; I take care of all of our bills, so basically anything that comes ends up being 'mine'. This 'solution' wasn't agreeable to him. He just said no. 

And this is basically how every aspect of our day to day lives is dealt with. Almost everything ends up being my responsibility, because even if it is someth 'he' does, he normally doesn't do stuff in a timely fashion or do the task in it's entirety... like the trash. If I bag it up and put it by the door, he'll take it to the curb... but no other trash will get out unless I gather it from around the house, bring it down and bag it, yet he takes credit for 'taking out the trash.' I swear, I live with an 11 year old boy.

How do I convince my husband that it is in both our best interests to just do some things 'my way.' I mean what is so wrong with letting the person who is really the 'owner' of the chore deciding the details of how that chore be carried out. Why should the person who doesn't do the 'work' part of the task get to do any of the decision making? How do I make him see that it's just not fair. Seriously. 

I know, I'm long winded again, but he's coming home in the morning and I'd like to have some sort of a plan for us to wrok things out. If he refuses to listen this time, it'll be all that much simpler to make the decision to leave.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

Wow....I really feel for you. My first concern is for your son and child to be. Coming home drunk, falling in the tub while trying to put jammies (or bathe, whatever is was) on your son....not to mention the physical violence of punching holes in the walls, kicking down doors, etc......is an absolute deal breaker for me. I also consider yelling and screaming in front of the children a deal breaker. They have a fantastic ability to interpret all that screaming and internalizing it as their fault. Not to mention the emotional and verbal BS your husband is putting you through.

I would make a very concise, thorough, and FAIR list of my needs. Such as...

Respect me and Respect my boundries (if you don't have any, put some in place...no screaming at me, no calling names, no saying I don't do anything all day, no following just trying to continue an argument, etc.

I need you to be more involved in the daily care of our son and baby-to-be (if you have examples of what you need help with, spell it out, such as bath duty on Saturday night...)

when you dirty a dish you clean it

mail is to be placed in one spot (buy a basket, hang a holder by the door...whatever)

when I have an interview (or need an hour to yourself), I need you to be available to watch OUR son, not playing on your boat

etc., etc.

I don't know...whatever your list may be. Spell them out as though you are making it for the 11 year old you mention he is. List them in order of your priority, and try not to list every last thing that you are resentful of or that bothers you. I would maybe limit it to the top 10. In return, ask him to make a list of his needs and what he wants from you...also limited to the top 10 and listed by priority.

I would also find a new counselor. If all you're doing is going back and forth and you are not learning how to do things or communicate more effectively....this one is not right for you. Find one who will give you and your husband the tools to get past all this with a positive and happy marriage.

Research legal separations and the laws/requirements in your state. Consult with an attorney or whatever you have to do. Just simply get the knowledge you need to protect yourself should everything go badly. If your husband will not leave, learn whatever it is that you need to do to protect yourself, your son and your belongings from his possible retribution. 

Have your mother take your son for an afternoon, a day, or even overnight....for however much time you think you and your husband will need to sit down and talk. I would then sit down, give my husband the list, ask him for his list, and tell him we need a new therapist. I would tell him that these are non-negotiables at this point or we are separating. SAY IT AND MEAN IT (you did the research, remember?)!! I would say that I am no longer exposing my children or myself to this type of behavior and unhappiness.

My husband and I fight. We raise our voices and we yell but we have *never* called eachother a name, struck out in anger at eachother or anything else, we have never screamed at eachother in front of our daughter, nor have we ever taken her from the other while angry or put her in danger because of our anger or behavior. Your children will grow up watching and learning from your marriage and your example. They will find spouses and will most likely create marriages that very closely reflect those of their parents. Would you want your son in a marriage like yours? He will learn how to be a husband from his father. How do you want your son to treat his future wife? These are things I think of in regards to my daughter.

Keep us posted.


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## sunnygirl (Nov 23, 2008)

Wow! Your husband sounds like a completely selfish- not to mention violent-person. It seems that you really do not have a healthy relationship. It is all one-sided. That made me sad to read about how he was so uninvolved in your pregnancy and didn't tell anyone about it. I hope you realize you deserve more! At this point, I know you have put everything into the house, but you need to ask your self what is really important in this life. You will eventually get another house and it will be all yours and you can be proud of it AND not have to share it with someone who doesn't appreciate you!

I suggest that you make a list outlining the life that you WANT to have, including the type of relationship you want, the life you want for your child, etc. You CAN, and DESERVE a better, happier life. You will see how far you are from that in this relationship and it might make your options a little clearer for you. 

I say cut your losses. As much as that might hurt, and as much as you know he doesn't deserve to get ANYTHING from you, if that is what it takes to be rid of him, then do it. And don't wait. You can always get another house but you can't get another life.


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