# Improving intimacy question



## elle2 (Dec 15, 2018)

I have been with my husband for 9 years (I’m almost 28, he’s 34). The only part of our marriage that isn’t great is our sexual intimacy. I want to have a good sex life with my husband… Our sex life before was really bad. We would go months without sex, because I don’t particularly enjoy it or need it and turned him down a lot. We didn’t have sex for the first year and a half of our relationship, because I wanted to wait (and he was ok with it). We’ve had a lot of ups and downs, but those issues have been fixed. Our only problem now is our sex life, and I’m trying to fix it. This is an awkward subject for me to talk about. 

For the last 6 month’s I have initiated sex once or twice a day. The frequency is there now, but the quality isn’t. I’m not good at sex… I have heard people say that no one is bad at it, but I feel bad at it. My husband says it’s fine, but he has no filter and when being honest he has said that he’s had better (I asked, don’t judge him). I don’t want our sex to be bad or one step above his worst experience. Even if he hadn’t of said that, I don’t want our sex life to be described as: meh, it’s fine. I don’t know what to do to make it better for him. 

In previous years it was really bad and I really didn’t put an effort it at all… For the past 6 months I have been trying to make it good for him. I initiate once or twice a day (usually morning and night). I give him oral sex each time. I decide when to switch from oral sex to penetration and go on top until he wants to change positions. But I have to be at exactly the right angle or it’s very uncomfortable for both of us, even being ¼” off will do it. He says it feels like his penis is breaking and he’s never had that before… He has been with 18 other women so I don’t know why it’s only me with the issue… Medically there is nothing wrong. It only happens when I’m on top, which is what he wants the most… About 50% of the time he loses his erection during penetration, which wasn’t an issue before. Then he goes and finishes himself because I couldn’t. He has been starting to turn me down lately, but is still masturbating so his sex drive hasn’t gone down. I’m trying to make it good for him, and it seems like I’m making it worse. 

I just don’t know what to do or how to make it better for him. He wants frequent sex, but it’s like after he had enough of a taste of it with me he changed his mind… I’m not doing enough to make it good for him, but I don’t know what to do… He tells me what he wants, then I suck at it and he takes care of himself...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

elle2 said:


> I have been with my husband for 9 years (I’m almost 28, he’s 34). The only part of our marriage that isn’t great is our sexual intimacy. I want to have a good sex life with my husband… Our sex life before was really bad. We would go months without sex, because I don’t particularly enjoy it or need it and turned him down a lot. We didn’t have sex for the first year and a half of our relationship, because I wanted to wait (and he was ok with it). We’ve had a lot of ups and downs, but those issues have been fixed. Our only problem now is our sex life, and I’m trying to fix it. This is an awkward subject for me to talk about.
> 
> For the last 6 month’s I have initiated sex once or twice a day. The frequency is there now, but the quality isn’t. I’m not good at sex… I have heard people say that no one is bad at it, but I feel bad at it. My husband says it’s fine, but he has no filter and when being honest he has said that he’s had better (I asked, don’t judge him). I don’t want our sex to be bad or one step above his worst experience. Even if he hadn’t of said that, I don’t want our sex life to be described as: meh, it’s fine. I don’t know what to do to make it better for him.
> 
> ...


In all of this sex, do you ever orgasm? It sounds like it's only you doing things for him and he does nothing to for you.

I think that it's good that you initiate sex, but initiating twice a day every day is way too much. Does he ever initiate in recent months?


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## elle2 (Dec 15, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> In all of this sex, do you ever orgasm? It sounds like it's only you doing things for him and he does nothing to for you.
> 
> I think that it's good that you initiate sex, but initiating twice a day every day is way too much. Does he ever initiate in recent months?


I don’t orgasm during sex. My husband wants me to but I can’t. Penetration doesn’t feel good for me at all… We have tried toys and he use to use his fingers but nothing goes inside feels good. It doesn’t hurt, it feels like nothing (no pleasure). Oral sex happens sometimes and it feels good but I can’t orgasm. He’s done it for an hour straight and I still can’t orgasm. I’ve had an orgasm twice from doing stuff with my husband. I can orgasm with a vibrator but I don’t want to use one because I want to be able to orgasm without it. 

He initiates sometimes, lately. He had a really high sex drive until I screwed it up. He still masturbates daily if we don’t have sex.


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## elle2 (Dec 15, 2018)

I sent our son to my parents to sleep over last night and tonight so my husband and I could have the weekend alone. He didn't even want to spend any time with me last night, then decided to go into work, and tonight is going to hang out with his friends. It's like sex with me is so bad and boring that he'd rather avoid me like the plague and take care of himself.


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## cmrsmr (Dec 14, 2018)

Sounds like you initiate, go through the routine, then possibly grin & bare it during. If that’s going on, I wouldn’t be into it either. I wouldn’t expect him to be turned on by it either.

Master bate to practice for sex. That’s what it’s for. You don’t have a limited number of orgasms, take a month to get to know yourself sexually. Then teach him what you learned.

Do you ever master bate together? Cause...that is FUN!


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Have you had successful sex with someone before him? Did sex change after the birth of your son? Have any of the ups and downs involved infidelity? Are you both healthy and fit?

Your initiation sounds more like a work ethic at times than a romantic engagement. Have either of you read about how to have good sex? Have there been religious hangups about sex?

Admire your desire and willingness to come here for assistance...


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

elle2 said:


> I sent our son to my parents to sleep over last night and tonight so my husband and I could have the weekend alone. He didn't even want to spend any time with me last night, then decided to go into work, and tonight is going to hang out with his friends. It's like sex with me is so bad and boring that he'd rather avoid me like the plague and take care of himself.


Buy a vibrator,download porn,buy some steamy books or magazines.
When you are alone use the vibrator and plenty of lube,watch every type of porn you can find and read your books,keep going until you discover what it is that turns you on.
Tell your husband this.
And tell him no jacking off until he gets you off.
Otherwise he can **** off!


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

For sure, some women are too aggressive on top and it can be uncomfortable. Try toning it down a bit. Sorry to get so descriptive, but I believe this is because they try to rub their clit on the man's pubic bone. Sometimes that requires "riding high" upwards on the torso and depending upon the man's p*nis length it will tend to slip out of the vaginal opening and once in a while hit YOUR pubic bone, and that hurts. When you are on top, don't move your hips back and forth rubbing against him, move your hips up and down off of him and then back down. Slowly or moderately, not fast. Be aware of his penis position while you are on top...keep it inside of you. Don't come off him so far that it slips out.

But, something not making sense here. You keep blaming yourself but you haven't offered anything regarding what it is your husband is looking for in sex other than you on top. If having you on top is the "be all" and "end all" of his intercourse tastes then perhaps the problem is not you.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I am getting the feeling that you are not really sexually attracted to him and have no desire for him whatsoever but that you are basically trying twist yourself into pretzels and do sexual backflips to try to get him to love you more. 

I know that sounds kind of twisted but your posts sound pretty twisted. You didn't want to have sex with him early in relationship and he was basically ok with that - which leads me to believe that sexual intimacy and chemistry aren't all that important to either of you. 

Then you say that you didn't want to have sex with him and that you didn't enjoy it when you did. 

But for the last 6 months you have been hitting him up and going down on him daily even though you don't really like it and aren't getting anything out of it. 

Why????????? (insert head scratch icon)

Why are you going down on him twice a day if you don't like sex with him?

Why are you trying to sexually please him when he himself seems pretty stuck in neutral sexually?

This all sounds very dark and dysfunctional. Have you sought any kind of marital counseling or sex therapy or anything?


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> I am getting the feeling that you are not really sexually attracted to him and have no desire for him whatsoever but that you are basically trying twist yourself into pretzels and do sexual backflips to try to get him to love you more.
> 
> I know that sounds kind of twisted but your posts sound pretty twisted. You didn't want to have sex with him early in relationship and he was basically ok with that - which leads me to believe that sexual intimacy and chemistry aren't all that important to either of you.
> 
> ...


Sex therapy is better than ex therapy--:grin2:


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

sunsetmist said:


> Sex therapy is better than ex therapy--:grin2:


Ooops, I missed that one, good pick up!!! 

But now that you've thrown out the term "ex therapy", I think in a lot of instances 'ex therapy' will be more beneficial in the long term than sex therapy. 

in instances where a couple has very young children, it is probably wise to utilize all resources at their disposal to try to salvage the relationship.

But in cases of young people with their whole lives ahead of them and no young children to contend with, I think 'ex therapy' may often be the least costly and most long term benefit.


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## elle2 (Dec 15, 2018)

I have had sex with one person before him. I was with that man for a year and the sex was good. We are both healthy and relatively fit. Neither of us are overweight. My husband goes to the gym daily. We are not religious. I bought a book about 6 months ago called She Comes First, which I read but my husband didn’t. He wants me to enjoy sex, and it’s not like he hasn’t tried or he’s lazy. 

I am attracted to my husband, that’s not an issue. My sex drive went down the toilet because I can’t feel anything. I want to have sex because my husband wants and needs it, and I love him and want to give him that. 

To be a bit more specific, when my husband and I started dating I wanted to wait to have sex. I didn’t know how long, but I didn’t want to have sex too quickly into the relationship. We waited for 16 months. It would be a lie to say that my husband was happy to wait. He hated it. He had been with a lot of women before me and wasn’t use to waiting. He waited because he thought I was worth it. When we first started having sex, the sex was good. We had sex every day and we both enjoyed it. I got pregnant with our son 3 months after we started having sex. When I was 3 months pregnant we had to stop having sex because I had a high risk pregnancy. We had no sex for another year and a half. I gave him oral during my pregnancy, but not after our son was born. After our son was born we didn’t have sex (or anything) for a year because I didn’t want to at all. I had no sexual desires and was repulsed at the thought of sex. I was tired, emotionally exhausted, touched out and I had PPD. When we started having sex again it was really painful and I saw a doctor who referred me to a physiotherapist. After 3 months of physio the pain went away and we were able to resume sex. But the internal pleasure is completely gone, the doctor and physiotherapist said there is no reason for it, and now I can’t enjoy sex because I can’t even feel it. Our sex life was nearly non-existent. 

My husband slept with another woman 2 years ago. I don’t want to make this about that though. The problems started before he cheated. His cheating was a result of our sex life, our sex life isn’t a result of his cheating. I don’t want it to happen again and I don’t want a divorce. He needs our sex life to be better and he’s not happy how it is. 

When I initiate sex I try to be into it. I don’t think I act like it’s a job or that I don’t want to be there. I don’t mind giving him oral, what makes me not like it is that I can’t do it how he likes it. TMI, I don’t have hand-mouth coordination. When each hand and my mouth is supposed to be doing something different, I feel physically awkward and like my transitions aren’t smooth enough. I think I’m more into it for oral, because I can feel that (giving and receiving). Once penetration starts it probably seems like I’m just going through the motions. 

I’m not being too aggressive when on top. The uncomfortable feeling starts before he’s even in all the way, and I don’t think I go to fast (I’d say the opposite because my leg muscle suck). I can move at a snails pace and that uncomfortable feeling is still there. My husband said it feels like his penis is hitting a bone and like his penis is breaking. It doesn’t hurt me, but feels weird. He prefers me on top (or at least previous partners on top…) but it’s not me on top or nothing.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

elle2 said:


> I have been with my husband for 9 years (I’m almost 28, he’s 34). The only part of our marriage that isn’t great is our sexual intimacy. I want to have a good sex life with my husband… Our sex life before was really bad. We would go months without sex, because I don’t particularly enjoy it or need it and turned him down a lot. We didn’t have sex for the first year and a half of our relationship, because I wanted to wait (and he was ok with it). We’ve had a lot of ups and downs, but those issues have been fixed. Our only problem now is our sex life, and I’m trying to fix it. This is an awkward subject for me to talk about.
> 
> For the last 6 month’s I have initiated sex once or twice a day. The frequency is there now, but the quality isn’t. I’m not good at sex… I have heard people say that no one is bad at it, but I feel bad at it. My husband says it’s fine, but he has no filter and when being honest he has said that he’s had better (I asked, don’t judge him). I don’t want our sex to be bad or one step above his worst experience. Even if he hadn’t of said that, I don’t want our sex life to be described as: meh, it’s fine. I don’t know what to do to make it better for him.
> 
> ...


Doesn't sound like he is making much effort to tell you what he likes or how you can both together improve things. Its not all about what you can do for him, its about what you can do together so that you can BOTH enjoy it. If that position hurts, then use one of the many other positions. So he likes it, so what, its painful for you so don't do it. How much does he do for you to make sure that YOU enjoy it? 

Your post is one of the many reasons why I would never marry a man who has had many partners. Comparison in marriage is deadly.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

elle2 said:


> I have had sex with one person before him. I was with that man for a year and the sex was good. We are both healthy and relatively fit. Neither of us are overweight. My husband goes to the gym daily. We are not religious. I bought a book about 6 months ago called She Comes First, which I read but my husband didn’t. He wants me to enjoy sex, and it’s not like he hasn’t tried or he’s lazy.
> 
> I am attracted to my husband, that’s not an issue. My sex drive went down the toilet because I can’t feel anything. I want to have sex because my husband wants and needs it, and I love him and want to give him that.
> 
> ...


Firstly what ever you think of him cheating and its relevance, it will have made a massive difference to you and the marriage and the trust, and that is why now you are so desperate to make sure he has lots of sex so he doesn't do it again. What a horrible position to be in for you, that you feel you must be 'good enough' or he will cheat again. A wife should be able to trust that their husband will never cheat no matter what, and for you that isn't the case. That must make you feel very insecure and afraid. That puts added pressure on you and is making you unhappy. 
Was he repentant? Has he put boundaries in place so prevent it happening again? Have you got access to his phone etc?Do you trust him?

Please try other positions, there are many you can do that may feel much more comfortable.
Believe me just because a man has had many partners, doesn't mean they will be considerate unselfish lovers.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

elle2 said:


> I sent our son to my parents to sleep over last night and tonight so my husband and I could have the weekend alone. He didn't even want to spend any time with me last night, then decided to go into work, and tonight is going to hang out with his friends. It's like sex with me is so bad and boring that he'd rather avoid me like the plague and take care of himself.


Why are you blaming yourself for his very selfish behaviour?


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

elle2 said:


> I have had sex with one person before him. I was with that man for a year and the sex was good. We are both healthy and relatively fit. Neither of us are overweight. My husband goes to the gym daily. We are not religious. I bought a book about 6 months ago called She Comes First, which I read but my husband didn’t. He wants me to enjoy sex, and it’s not like he hasn’t tried or he’s lazy.
> 
> 
> *My husband slept with another woman 2 years ago. *I don’t want to make this about that though. The problems started before he cheated. *His cheating was a result of our sex life, *our sex life isn’t a result of his cheating. I don’t want it to happen again and I don’t want a divorce. He needs our sex life to be better and he’s not happy how it is.
> ...


Thanks for your answers to questions--no such thing as TMI. You know he did not have sex with you for 16 months, but do you really think he did not have sex? In my opinion, his cheating was not a result of your sex life, but his selfish actions. Where did you get the idea that his cheating was your fault--from him?

Your insecurity didn't just pop up out of nowhere if you've had good sex before. His leaving you when you've arranged a special weekend is on HIM not you. Y'all need to see a sex therapist--not just you both of you, but I bet he resists!


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## elle2 (Dec 15, 2018)

He cheated two years ago, and I know that was the only time. He told me that he cheated the day that it happened. I know that him choosing to cheat was his choice and he owns that choice. The choices that I made in our marriage pushed him to cheat. It wasn’t fair of me to not have sex with my husband (and no, he has never said that). He has told me what led him to cheat (no sex from me) but he has never blamed his actions on me. I really don’t want to talk about it because I don’t want to get upset. The person that he slept with was a friend of his that he use to hook up with before we met. He has stopped being her friend, hasn’t talked to her since he cheated, he deleted and blocked her on Facebook and he doesn’t use any other social media, I can look at his tablet and computer whenever I want to. I can’t look at his phone, because it’s a work phone and there is confidential information on it he doesn’t hide it though. I trust him, but I don't want to be in a position where it could happen again. We're married... I should be having good sex with my husband. 

We do use other positions, and they don’t have the uncomfortable feeling that me being on top does. It’s hard for me to stay into it because I can’t feel anything, so he gets bored, loses his erection and then leaves and masturbates. I’m not good at faking it… He wants me to enjoy it.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

You are basically describing yourself as someone that outside of "on top", lays there like a rag doll. That's the image I get from your description. If your husband is getting the same impression then I can certainly understand why it affects his performance. Yes, men do want to see that they are pleasing their woman. It's an ego thing.

At first I thought this was your husbands issue wanting things a certain way that you couldn't do right, but it's sounding more and more like it's your issue. I'm curious if you have such a fear of doing him right that it has affected your desire to even participate. Something more going on here than the obvious. Assuming you are still anatomically correct after childbirth and your claim is that you don't "feel" anything, meaning sensory, have you considered that you might need to see a counselor to determine if there is something else going on that is causing this blockage?


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

elle2 said:


> I have had sex with one person before him. I was with that man for a year and the sex was good. We are both healthy and relatively fit. Neither of us are overweight. My husband goes to the gym daily. We are not religious. I bought a book about 6 months ago called She Comes First, which I read but my husband didn’t. He wants me to enjoy sex, and it’s not like he hasn’t tried or he’s lazy.
> 
> I am attracted to my husband, that’s not an issue. My sex drive went down the toilet because I can’t feel anything. I want to have sex because my husband wants and needs it, and I love him and want to give him that.
> 
> ...


Have you tried a second opinion?
If another says there is no physical problem, I would see a psycho-therapist. Don't remember the proper term, but there are documented mental blocks which have been known to cause such.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I can’t look at his phone, because it’s a work phone and there is confidential information on it 

Because your going to sell the information to China ?????


WHITE ELEPHANT


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

elle2 said:


> ......We're married... I should be having good sex with my husband.
> 
> We do use other positions, and they don’t have the uncomfortable feeling that me being on top does. It’s hard for me to stay into it because I can’t feel anything, so he gets bored, loses his erection and then leaves and masturbates. I’m not good at faking it… He wants me to enjoy it.


My suggestion is to sit yourself down in front of a mirror and get a good luck at yourself and what it is that you really want. Then work at making it happen.

What I read is that despite your husband cheating, you want good sex with your husband and the marriage to continue. You also say you don't feel anything when you have sex in certain positions. 

Assuming you don't have a nephropathy problem where your nerve endings are not working (try some Alpha Lipoic Acid 600 mg three times a day and B-12 and go to a real medical doctor that specializes in vaginal/clitoral sensations, it may take a couple of referrals). You may also want to schedule some sessions with a Board certified Sex Therapist. My wife and I saw one that saved our marriage. Sex Therapists are marriage counselors that have extra training in sexual problems couples have.

A really good sex therapist can give you and your husband some exercises to do together (if you both want to do the homework) so that you can learn to relax and feel deep sensation. For example, the classic is Sensate focus exercises where you relearn how to be erotically touch and be touched. 

One of the things that I learned is that when I am really, really relaxed and in-tune with my body, being touched on the nipples can also be felt on my lips, roof of mouth, penis, anus, and scrotum all at the same time. It can be pretty overwhelming. Even if you really can't feel sensations in your vagina, you may be able to feel erotic sensations caused by stimulation in other parts of your body that result in either orgasm or the release of oxytocin and other sex feel-good hormones that allow you and your H to use some alternate form of sex to bond to each other and feel you have pleasured each other. 

What I am trying to tell you is that if you want a good sex life, make a commitment to that, and get medical help to make it happen. Enlist your H as your partner and develop a shared goal and action plan. Even it you have to pay for sex therapy sessions, it will probably be worth it. Learn new ways to stimulate your H so he doesn't loose his erection and learn new ways for you and him to stimulate your erogenous zones. Who knows it might involve a vibrator, sex fantasies on your part, or who knows what. The point is keep an open mind, get help and work together.

I suspect that the cheating (and what lead up to it) is/was a big elephant in the room that will also need to be addressed.

Good luck. I hope you are able to get what you want and need.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

You guys need to get into a marriage counselor. This is a terribly unhealthy dynamic and you are going to have a breakdown trying to do this on your own.

As a guy that cheated (ONS) on his wife and wanted to blame the marriage and lack of sex for it. There are always a pile of 'reasons' for cheating, and ultimately they mean nothing. The cheater chose to do it. I care more about what I wanted than who would be hurt by it.

I can list out the 'reasons' I used to justify it, but ultimately I should have worked with my wife and talked with her about what was happening to me and in me, so we could work on it together.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

This sounds very dysfunctional. I think there is more going on than what is being communicated. It is quite common in a relationship where one person doesn't want sex for the other person to detach. Think of it like going to visit a person at their house. You expect them to be home so you'll stand there and knock and wait for them to answer. But you'll only stand there and knock for so long before accepting they're not home even though they should be. Once you accept they are not home you leave the porch. This may be what has happened to your husband, he waited to have sex for a year and a half, then from what I can read you had sex for a few months before stopping due to pregnancy complications, then once that was over still no sex for another year. There is a good chance he stopped knocking and left the porch. 

I think a lot of marriage counseling and sex therapy is really needed. I think you both going to need to commit to building a sexual relationship, explore fantasies together, experiment. And for the time being your husband should avoid the masturbating so his batteries are fully charged.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

Tas, very thoughtful response bud....

That said, you guys are competely out of sync. I seriously doubt both you and his commitments to each other. He may just be wanting to stay married while there are kids in the house. And he is playing the martyr in this relationship. Then you can see yourself as the wife who worries the man is leaving because you have no real desire to be "in love" with your partner. You want a roomate and a financial stabilizing force. Also, raising children singly is tough. Doable but tough nonetheless. 

I bet there are "outside" forces talking into each other's ears, claiming the need for the relationship to continue. And you are here asking how to make SEX better. As if that were a gauge into relationship stability. I'm sorry for your medical hardships. They don't help anything at all. But I think maybe you need to spend some quality time with yourself and see what your "inner" self is wanting out of this life. What is it you truly desire?


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