# Don't know...



## Completely Confused (Jul 29, 2010)

I am posting this on two different forums because it deals with both of these topics.

My wife and I have been married for over 9 years(we were married at 19). We have 3 kids together(9, 6, 19 mo). A week ago she told me that she cheated on me when she took a trip with her friend to Las Vegas for her birthday this year. She met a guy at the hotel there and slept with him both nights she was there. She also told me that for the last 9 months she has been having an emotional affair with her ex boyfriend(guy she was dating before me). We were high school sweethearts and each others first sexual partner(my only one). This was very hard news for me to hear and I have been dealing with this for the last week. She told me that she loved me and was sorry and wanted to work things out. She deleted the guys off of her phone and facebook page. She even told me her password so I could access her phone records online where she couldn't delete them even if she wanted to. I've been asking a lot of questions that she didn't want to answer. But after me reading these forums, she realized that is was something that most people wanted and last night she told me all the "gory details" that I wanted to hear. I felt very good about things and actually had a lot of hope for us. 

In the spirit of being honest and truthful in our marriage, I told her that I have struggled with porn for all of our marriage and even before. I have never been an every day kind of addict, or even as bad as most guys. I would watch stuff online maybe once a week if that. And I would go for a month or so without watching anything(not defending what I did, just explaining to what extent I was watching it). She had asked me before if I did that stuff and I told her I didn't out of embarrassment. I thought opening up to her like that would help our marriage. Not at all. We went to our first counseling session on last Saturday, and now she doesn't know if she wants to go back or continue on with it. She thinks that me watching porn is what drove us apart in the first place. Now she is saying that she isn't sure if she loves me. She knows that if we try, we can work it out but she's not sure if she wants to do that. I don't know what to do.

There are obviously a lot more details about everything, but that is basically an overview.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I think we need a little more detail.

typically, a woman doesn't go out and have an affair if something isn't missing in her marriage. Is she suggesting that your watching porn lead to a breakdown in the marriage?

If you watch it once a month or once a day, if it isn't affecting your relationship with your wife (you aren't satisfying yourself and ignoring her or it takes time away from her or family), then porn isn't the problem.

but you do have to figure out what is. And it probably won't reveal itself until after a few counsel;ing sessions so don't give up on it.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

I have no idea if this is what's going on with your wife...but here's some food for thought.

From my perspective as a woman, your "habit" doesn't sound bad at all. Every woman is different but I've never had a problem with my husband looking to the extent you've acknowledged. I can't believe this has so alienated her as to justify her affairs.

When she admitted her affairs, she probably felt extreme guilt. Of course she wanted to patch things up and work it out, if for no other reason than your kids. Now that you've admitted this "problem", she has another avenue of blame or an "out" if you will that helps her get out of the marriage without taking all of the blame on herself.

Just something to think about. If she wants to work on the marriage, great. But it sounds like she is looking for an excuse to get out and she's using your porn watching as that excuse to alleviate her own guilt and responsibility.


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## fairy godmother (Jun 10, 2010)

justonelife said:


> Just something to think about. If she wants to work on the marriage, great. But it sounds like she is looking for an excuse to get out and she's using your porn watching as that excuse to alleviate her own guilt and responsibility.


I agree with this....sounds like she wants out right now or she's confused and in the 'fog'


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