# Struggling man looking for advice



## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

First thanks for having me on the forums, this is my first post. I am a 38 year old man in in fairly new relationship that is moving fast. We have been together for about 9 months now. In the past 3 weeks we have moved in together. She has 2 kids from a previous marriage and I have one. She is a good woman who does not need me at all but wants me anyway. She can stand on her own two feet, she is beautiful inside and out, she is faithful and honest, this woman will be my wife soon. The topic of having another baby has come up throughout our relationship and in the beginning I was under the impression that she wanted to. I have always wanted to. As we talked more it became clear she did not want to have kids anymore. She once went as far as to say if that's what I wanted she is probably not the girl for me. This has been the one thing in our relationship that was a killer, something we fought about from time to time. Well she is now about 6 weeks pregnant even though she was on birth control. She is also 38 and ever since we found out about this she has been very unhappy and hard to read. Its been about two weeks like this. She does not want to talk about the pregnancy with me at all and if it comes up she is very brief and I can tell she does not want to talk anymore. When we have talked about it sometimes, we fought. Some of the tings she said were hurtful and some of the tings I said were also hurtful. The big issue for me has been that our sex life is suffering bad. In the last two weeks we had sex once and it seemed like it was just for me. Prior to this we had sex just about every day and it was great. She has asked me to just be there for her and understand she is upset but there is nothing I can do to help her. She wants me to not discuss things that are bothering me like our sex life. She does not want me to bring up things about the pregnancy. I have tried to explain that our sex life is directly tied to my happiness. The results of that conversation was typically that I need to not talk about that right now. Sometimes she has said I only think about my feelings and not hers. I do not feel this way because I would do anything for her but she has told me over and over there is nothing I can do to help. I find it very hard to deal with her rejection. I finally worked up the courage to ask her to have sex last night and she said "no thanks". She says if this happens I become disconnected and act weird. I can feel that but I do not know how to not do that when the woman I love who I had an amazing sexual relationship with is saying no thanks to my advances.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

482 said:


> First thanks for having me on the forums, this is my first post. I am a 38 year old man in in fairly new relationship that is moving fast.


So what is your question exactly? All you did was vent. Which is fine, a lot of people just come here to vent. If you're wondering why she's not in the mood to sleep with you, it's probably cause she didn't want to be pregnant so now she's not exactly feeling amorous towards you.

And yes..... you moved WAY TOO FAST on this. Not much you can do about it now that you knocked her up except buckle your seat belt. You're already stuck on the highway friend.


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## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

Sorry about that I guess you are right I am kind of venting. Not sure what the question is;

Has anyone had issues like this with your woman? If so how did it get resolved?

Is it normal to be asked to not discuss things that are bothering you in a relationship and to just be there? 

I've never had a relationship where this happened.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

OP, I have been the woman who had zero interest in a sexless marriage. The worse thing you can do is nag about. There is absolutely zero chance of things improving if you do and a very strong possibility it will actually get worse. When a man nags about sex, it reinforces in the woman's head that he doesn't care about her feelings and is just interested in getting his rocks off. Most importantly however, it makes a man look weak. Nothing more unattractive to a woman than a weak man. Once a woman begins to perceive you as weak, it is very damaging, it is difficult for her to change even her own perspective. Furthermore, to shut you up, she will start giving you pity sex (I see this has already happened once). Do not accept pity sex. You do not want to know the things that run through a woman's head during pity sex. Again, it is difficult as a woman to begin to enjoy sex later on down the road after an extended period of pity sex. So if you want to not make things even more complicated than they already are, stop nagging her for sex.

Like your wife, I told my partner exactly what was wrong and suggested things that he could do to make things improve. She has told you: "She wants me to not discuss things that are bothering me like our sex life. She does not want me to bring up things about the pregnancy." Have you tried that at all? It's only been 2 weeks, give the woman some time. Seriously, put yourself in her shoes. She's pregnant, that is a pretty big deal, especially considering she did not want to get pregnant. She wants to be consoled, comforted, reassured that everything will be ok and you're in her arse about sex. Understand that you making the focus on you and your need for sex will be read as you being selfish and only caring about your feelings.

Clearly sex is one of your top love languages. Do you know what her love languages are? For many women, while sex is a love language, affection and intimacy are even more critical and lay the foundation for satisfaction from sex. If you do not know what her love languages are, it would behoove you to read the 5 Love Languages and His Needs Her Needs. I would reckon the conversation starters in there would be an excellent way to get the focus away from the pregnancy/your need for sex (the two issues she specifically asked you to not talk about) while addressing what each of you can do to better communicate your adoration in each others language. 

Listen to your wife OP. She may not be spelling things out how you would like but if you learn to listen, you will see that she's telling you exactly what she really needs right now.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So its been 2 whole weeks, your future wife just found out about a pregnancy she didn't want and is struggling to process it. and all you can think about is that it's been 2 whole weeks and you've only had sex once and she wasn't into it?

Way to make it all about you. 

Think about how that makes you come across.

If it becomes months then I get that you'd be frustrated. But don't you think it reasonable to step back and give her time to process this? She didn't want to go through this again and now she's going to. 

Take care of yourself for a few weeks and give her some breathing room.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Here's how it seems to me. The two of you are impulsive and irresponsible, moving in together after being together less than 9 months and already planning marriage. each of you with dependent children. She finally made it clear (after you moved in together and started planning your wedding) that she doesn't want children, you made it clear you do, you've had major fights about it during which time you both said very hurtful things to one another (a sign of immaturity and anger management issues) and suddenly she's pregnant after only 7 months together, for reasons that are not clear. 

It's my strong belief that when people get pregnant accidently, it's almost NEVER due to failure of properly used birth control, it's almost ALWAYS due to irresponsible sexual practices. 

Anyway she's miserable about having another child, she went so far as to say your differences regarding having children is probably a dealbreaker, perhaps she's considering terminating the pregnancy, either way she knows the baby is something you really want and it's the LAST thing she wants, so the seeds of conflict are sown between two people who think they're compatible but really have no clue because no matter how well you think you know each other, you really don't, not after such a short period of time and the two of you do not know how to peacefully resolve conflict and she is unwilling or unable to discuss the issues that bother her, AND your sex life has suddenly dwindled to nothing and she's not willing to address that problem either. 

If she has this baby, it will be raised in a broken home because the chances of the two of you working through this colossal disaster are slim to none. Even in BEST case scenarios second marriages with prior children fail over 2/3 of the time and in your case you've got just about everything working against you. It's time to get realistic and cut your losses. Tell her you understand if she's thinking about terminating the pregnancy, and either way, it's time to move out and take a break before getting involved with someone new who you will wisely make the decision not to ever marry because it will be an exercise in pointless futility.


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## troubledinma (May 30, 2016)

482 said:


> Sorry about that I guess you are right I am kind of venting. Not sure what the question is;
> 
> Has anyone had issues like this with your woman? If so how did it get resolved?
> 
> ...


You lead. It's unexpected. You act excited about the child. You engage every way you can. Your excitement may show her and eventually get her excited too. The number one goal is to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for the child. Give her space for ambivalence. She has a lot of work emotionally and physically. You unfortunately will not be a priority for a while.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

troubledinma said:


> The number one goal is to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for the child. Give her space for ambivalence. She has a lot of work emotionally and physically. You unfortunately will not be a priority for a while.


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## troubledinma (May 30, 2016)

browser said:


> Here's how it seems to me. The two of you are impulsive and irresponsible, moving in together after being together less than 9 months and already planning marriage. each of you with dependent children. She finally made it clear (after you moved in together and started planning your wedding) that she doesn't want children, you made it clear you do, you've had major fights about it during which time you both said very hurtful things to one another (a sign of immaturity and anger management issues) and suddenly she's pregnant after only 7 months together, for reasons that are not clear.
> 
> It's my strong belief that when people get pregnant accidently, it's almost NEVER due to failure of properly used birth control, it's almost ALWAYS due to irresponsible sexual practices.
> 
> ...


It's not doomed, but it will take a lot of work. It's not helpful to claim it will be a broken home. The OP will need to work very hard and there is no guarantee it'll work. He needs to be ready to love that child regardless of whether mom goes along with it. The OP has total control over that.


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## troubledinma (May 30, 2016)

browser said:


>


Not sure what that means in this context. The OP needs clarity and advice. It's not time to worry about his relationship. It's time to prepare for the baby. His relationship will not be resolved for a long time. No advice we can give him will help with it. He needs to put the expectant mother first and support her and that includes acknowledging her feelings.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

troubledinma said:


> Not sure what that means in this context. The OP needs clarity and advice. It's not time to worry about his relationship. It's time to prepare for the baby. His relationship will not be resolved for a long time. No advice we can give him will help with it. He needs to put the expectant mother first and support her and that includes acknowledging her feelings.


He wished for a baby. Now that he's apparently going to get one, it's clear he's completely unprepared for the consequences of what he wished for, which will be the demise of his relationship with a woman who has made it clear it's the last thing she wants. Having a baby doesn't necessarily change a person's mind about how they feel about having a baby. If there was any chance of their relationship surviving, despite the numerous problems, the unplanned pregnancy was the final straw.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I wonder if she is wanting to terminate the pregnancy and is afraid to bring it up. You are over the top with happiness about it but she made it perfectly clear she did not want another child, she is likely very conflicted with wanting to make you happy or making her self unhappy by having the child.

I know it's not what you want but you should bring it up. Personally I am against terminating pregnancy but that doesn't mean you need to keep the child, plenty of couples would love to have a new baby. I hate to say it but if she doesn't want a child there can be lot's of long term issues if she feels "stuck" with another kid.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

This is not a good situation to bring a child into- unwanted by it's mother, the relationship between two people who hardly know each other and cannot communicate with each other, rapidly going down the tubes with almost zero chance of recovery. 

This child is not going to grow up in an intact home loved by two parents who also love and respect each other. 

Unless it's adopted.


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

I see faults on both sides...

She is pregnant against her will, and is "suddenly" uninterested in sex despite previously having a high sex drive *passive aggressive*. This is to get back at you for knocking her up, and it's not cool. She knows that having vaginal sex increases the likelihood of pregnancy, so in consenting to sex with you, she knowingly bore the risk of an unwelcomed pregnancy. No contraceptive is 100% effective.

You are being way too self-centered and pushy over the sex. Instead of being upset with your lack of physical intimacy in the present, channel those energies into showing her your commitment to a future with her and the family. Reaffirm that you're there for her. If she has concerns over another pregnancy in the future, suggest after the baby comes that you get a vasectomy or she gets her tubes tied, to ameliorate her worries about a repeat problem. Don't mention the "M" word; it could freak her out if her mind is not there already.

Slow down and adjust. In less than a year's time, you shacked up with this woman, combined your families, and now she's pregnant with your kid out of wedlock. That's a whole lot of change, so she needs to adjust. You and your kids need to adjust, too. Focus on that adjustment, not sex.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

The two of you have moved ENTIRELY too fast. You not getting sex is the LEAST concern here, stop being so selfish. Your GF is pregnant with a baby she doesnt want, she is dealing with massive stress, so pleasuring you is the last thing on her mind. I am sure she is angry with you, and very likely is thinking of terminating the pregnancy. The whole situation stems from you two being irresponsible. Stop focusing on the fact that you arent currently getting laid and focus on the REAL issue here. You need to support her no matter what her decision is, she was pretty damn clear to you about her feelings on this.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

The first trimester of pregnancy is where some women can lose their sex drive. 
Plus around 6+ weeks is when morning sickness and nausea comes along. 
She didn't initially want the baby so is probably struggling with some thoughts about it. 
You need to have some empathy here, she's probably turning down sex simply because she's not feeling well. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

482 said:


> Has anyone had issues like this with* your woman*?


She is not YOUR WOMAN. The fact you even said that tells me that you're a selfish guy who thinks of himself first and foremost.

Step back and let her process this for at LEAST a few weeks. And STOP demanding sex. Sex is what got her pregnant - of COURSE she's going to not want any right now!! Good grief.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Cheerfully offer her to pay for an abortion, set up an appointment with an adoption agency, and leave her the hell alone when it comes to sex. See what happens.


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## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

Keke24,

Thank you for your input. I have been trying to do what she is asking its just sometimes things feel like they are getting back to normal so I start to talk about things like sex and the baby, bad decision every time. You're right I need to give her more time and just do what she is asking. Its confusing because sometimes she contradicts herself and makes it difficult to understand what she needs. Plus I'm such and impatient bastard and I know that's not good. Typical male show me the nail and I will go get the hammer. I have a hard time thinking someone may just want to talk about and come to terms with the nail rather than get the hammer. I did order the book His needs her needs just prior to this post funny you recommended it.


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## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

lifeistooshort said:


> So its been 2 whole weeks, your future wife just found out about a pregnancy she didn't want and is struggling to process it. and all you can think about is that it's been 2 whole weeks and you've only had sex once and she wasn't into it?
> 
> Way to make it all about you.
> 
> ...


I get it be more patient and listen more. I'm working on it and you are right and I have heard her say the same about making it all about me from her. I just have to come to terms with the fact that we may bot be unhappy for some time and that OK. I have never had this happen to me in the past so I am trying to figure this all out. Thanks for your input on this its helpful to get the perspective of others and to reaffirm some things she has said.


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## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

browser said:


> Here's how it seems to me. The two of you are impulsive and irresponsible, moving in together after being together less than 9 months and already planning marriage. each of you with dependent children. She finally made it clear (after you moved in together and started planning your wedding) that she doesn't want children, you made it clear you do, you've had major fights about it during which time you both said very hurtful things to one another (a sign of immaturity and anger management issues) and suddenly she's pregnant after only 7 months together, for reasons that are not clear.
> 
> It's my strong belief that when people get pregnant accidently, it's almost NEVER due to failure of properly used birth control, it's almost ALWAYS due to irresponsible sexual practices.
> 
> ...


Wow brother that is a lot of judgement there. I can take it if it was constructive or tough love but some of it is just rude. Impulsive and irresponsible is far from what we are. We are just old enough and have been through enough **** to realize what we want in a relationship. We love each other, our families and our kids. Cut my losses, abortion, etc. these things are not even part of the discussion. Facts about marriage failure rates don't do much for me if we want it to work, and we do, it will. We will figure this out together just like we have done everything else. Every issue is just a learning experience. Its not that she is not willing to address it its more that she is not ready to.


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## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

troubledinma said:


> You lead. It's unexpected. You act excited about the child. You engage every way you can. Your excitement may show her and eventually get her excited too. The number one goal is to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for the child. Give her space for ambivalence. She has a lot of work emotionally and physically. You unfortunately will not be a priority for a while.


You are right, thank you.


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

Has she mentioned whether or not she plans on keeping the baby? I'm assuming so since you didn't bring up the alternative. 

I'll echo the others. Give her time. She needs to process this. She very well may come to feel excitement over this pregnancy, but she has to go through the stages of her grief right now. I got pregnant very early on in my marriage and it was a HUGE speed bump for a couple of months because it was unintended (although the mistake was our own). My drive went from daily to 'not at all' for several weeks. Once I embraced that I was going to have this child, I started coming around. The best thing my husband did for me was to give me space. Nagging about sex made me want it even less. Seeing how he was showing me respect by backing off truly helped me come back around.


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## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

troubledinma said:


> It's not doomed, but it will take a lot of work. It's not helpful to claim it will be a broken home. The OP will need to work very hard and there is no guarantee it'll work. He needs to be ready to love that child regardless of whether mom goes along with it. The OP has total control over that.


Thank you. I have every intention on putting in the work. We will be great together.


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## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

browser said:


> He wished for a baby. Now that he's apparently going to get one, it's clear he's completely unprepared for the consequences of what he wished for, which will be the demise of his relationship with a woman who has made it clear it's the last thing she wants. Having a baby doesn't necessarily change a person's mind about how they feel about having a baby. If there was any chance of their relationship surviving, despite the numerous problems, the unplanned pregnancy was the final straw.


Again not helpful and far from true. She will eventually accept and be happy with what is going on she just needs some time and support. We will be fine. Our relationship is strong.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

482 said:


> Impulsive and irresponsible is far from what we are.


You moved in together and were planning to marry within 9 months of knowing one another, and you have minor children who are dependent on you. Yes, my friend, the two of you are in fact impulsive and irresponsible, I'm not being rude I'm being realistic. I'll also add "immature" because the two of you, when angry, say hurtful things to one another. I know you think this is normal, but mature, caring individuals do NOT say hurtful things to one another when there is conflict, in fact they don't even yell and scream at each other. I know I sure don't. 

What sort of birth control was she on that failed after 7 months? I'll hold my opinion as to whether or not you were responsible when it came to that particular aspect until and unless more information is provided. Did she "forget" to take a pill, did you "forget to wear a condom" did you "rely on the pull out method?". You see those are 3 very common irresponsible reasons why birth control, which is almost 100% effective, can fail after only a few months. 



482 said:


> We are just old enough and have been through enough **** to realize what we want in a relationship.


We all think that. Even those who marry and have children in their late teens. Very few of us are right. 



482 said:


> Cut my losses, abortion, etc. these things are not even part of the discussion.


Maybe they need to be. In fact, "cutting your losses" which is the same thing as "breaking up" WAS part of HER discussion. Remember when she said "maybe I'm not the girl for you" shortly before you decided to get married because you are both so sure of what you want?



482 said:


> Facts about marriage failure rates don't do much for me if we want it to work, and we do, it will.


Lots of people who get divorce wanted the marriage to work. Wanting something to work isn't enough when the two people are not only not on the same page but they are on different books on different shelves. The two of you aren't even in the same library. 



482 said:


> We will figure this out together just like we have done everything else. Every issue is just a learning experience. Its not that she is not willing to address it its more that she is not ready to.


I admire your ability to be so optimistic in the face of such a dire prognosis.


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## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

Cooper said:


> I wonder if she is wanting to terminate the pregnancy and is afraid to bring it up. You are over the top with happiness about it but she made it perfectly clear she did not want another child, she is likely very conflicted with wanting to make you happy or making her self unhappy by having the child.
> 
> I know it's not what you want but you should bring it up. Personally I am against terminating pregnancy but that doesn't mean you need to keep the child, plenty of couples would love to have a new baby. I hate to say it but if she doesn't want a child there can be lot's of long term issues if she feels "stuck" with another kid.


Abortion is off the table, sure it was briefly discussed but neither one of us are willing to do something like that. I'm sure it will all be okay later, she has said several times she just needs some time to wrap her head around this whole thing. Its a lot given the situation.


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## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

3Xnocharm said:


> The two of you have moved ENTIRELY too fast. You not getting sex is the LEAST concern here, stop being so selfish. Your GF is pregnant with a baby she doesnt want, she is dealing with massive stress, so pleasuring you is the last thing on her mind. I am sure she is angry with you, and very likely is thinking of terminating the pregnancy. The whole situation stems from you two being irresponsible. Stop focusing on the fact that you arent currently getting laid and focus on the REAL issue here. You need to support her no matter what her decision is, she was pretty damn clear to you about her feelings on this.


Tough love but I get it. thank you


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I totally understand how your wife feels. The difference is that my husband and I both agreed when we got married that we would only have one child. When our child was a toddler, about a year after I got an IUD, I found out I was pregnant again. I ended up having a first trimester miscarriage about a month later. That was a very tough time in my life and it's as clear now as it was when it happened. I wouldn't for a moment have considered an abortion but I definitely didn't want to be pregnant a second time either. I felt trapped. And I felt very guilty when I miscarried because I felt it was my fault for not wanting to be pregnant in the first place. The doctor assured me I hadn't caused the miscarriage but that didn't make the guilt go away. 

You wanted another child and she didn't. She probably feels you won and she lost. She's resentful. So, no, she doesn't want sex with you right now and she doesn't want to discuss the baby either. It's all very new and she needs some time to adjust. Give her that time.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

If you have it all figured out, then why are you here?

Abortion is off the table. I get it. It probably would be for me too (probably, not definitely.) But that doesn't mean adoption isn't an option. If she TRULY doesn't want another child, you truly do, offer to let her go and keep the baby. 

In my most constructive voice: Bottom line is you are selfish. You mention she has mentioned it. You admit you are impatient. Saying you are "sure it will be ok" is a selfish statement. I'm wondering how much of this fast time frame was really pushing from you versus her idea. From what I've experienced personally.....and seen in other relationships, selfish people don't long get to stay with intelligent, independent partners. Everyone has a breaking point. You want things to work with her, learn how to not be so self centered. Like yesterday.


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## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

MrsAldi said:


> The first trimester of pregnancy is where some women can lose their sex drive.
> Plus around 6+ weeks is when morning sickness and nausea comes along.
> She didn't initially want the baby so is probably struggling with some thoughts about it.
> You need to have some empathy here, she's probably turning down sex simply because she's not feeling well.
> ...


You are right. Thank you. She has said a bunch she does not feel like herself.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

482 said:


> Again not helpful and far from true. She will eventually accept and be happy with what is going on she just needs some time and support. We will be fine. Our relationship is strong.


You don't know what she will and will not accept!

Jeez dude it's all about what you want and what you believe, you seem to forget there's another individual in this picture who has her own ideas on the matter. 

As far as your relationship being "strong", the huge disparity as to bringing a child into the world, the lack of communication and sex, her voiced opinion that maybe she isn't the girl for you, the fighting and the hurtful words exchanged, the relatively short time you've known each other.. that speaks for itself.


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## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

Hope1964 said:


> She is not YOUR WOMAN. The fact you even said that tells me that you're a selfish guy who thinks of himself first and foremost.
> 
> Step back and let her process this for at LEAST a few weeks. And STOP demanding sex. Sex is what got her pregnant - of COURSE she's going to not want any right now!! Good grief.



Sorry you took it in a negative way when I said "your woman" but I feel as though she is my woman and I am her man. The rest I completely understand.


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## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

GA HEART said:


> Cheerfully offer her to pay for an abortion, set up an appointment with an adoption agency, and leave her the hell alone when it comes to sex. See what happens.


Far from something we would ever do.


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## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

Primrose said:


> Has she mentioned whether or not she plans on keeping the baby? I'm assuming so since you didn't bring up the alternative.
> 
> I'll echo the others. Give her time. She needs to process this. She very well may come to feel excitement over this pregnancy, but she has to go through the stages of her grief right now. I got pregnant very early on in my marriage and it was a HUGE speed bump for a couple of months because it was unintended (although the mistake was our own). My drive went from daily to 'not at all' for several weeks. Once I embraced that I was going to have this child, I started coming around. The best thing my husband did for me was to give me space. Nagging about sex made me want it even less. Seeing how he was showing me respect by backing off truly helped me come back around.


Its great hearing from someone who has dealt with the exact same issue in some regards. Thank you


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

482 said:


> Far from something we would ever do.


Now this makes sense and explains the lack of communication and her unwillingness to discuss the issues with him. 

When you've already decided the result of a discussion you've never even had, why even bother having it.


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## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

browser said:


> You moved in together and were planning to marry within 9 months of knowing one another, and you have minor children who are dependent on you. Yes, my friend, the two of you are in fact impulsive and irresponsible, I'm not being rude I'm being realistic. I'll also add "immature" because the two of you, when angry, say hurtful things to one another. I know you think this is normal, but mature, caring individuals do NOT say hurtful things to one another when there is conflict, in fact they don't even yell and scream at each other. I know I sure don't.
> 
> What sort of birth control was she on that failed after 7 months? I'll hold my opinion as to whether or not you were responsible when it came to that particular aspect until and unless more information is provided. Did she "forget" to take a pill, did you "forget to wear a condom" did you "rely on the pull out method?". You see those are 3 very common irresponsible reasons why birth control, which is almost 100% effective, can fail after only a few months.
> 
> ...


I really do not want to do back and forth about this. if you have something positive or helpful to say let me know.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

482 said:


> I really do not want to do back and forth about this. if you have something positive or helpful to say let me know.


Try taking a step back, and look at things as if you were in her shoes.

Good luck.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

My husband and I were married nine years when we had our first child. I was happy with one child, but my husband really wanted more children. We had another child about three years after the first. I thought we were done having children and I was careful about our pregnancy prevention method. Despite this, I got pregnant with #3. Our children are all space 2 years 9 month apart.

I was not happy about being pregnant. I cried when I read the positive results of the pregnancy test. My husband was overjoyed. He did not pressure me at all. He hugged me and told me that everything was going to be okay and this was a wonderful thing. He reassured me, but didn't pressure me. He gave me time to come to terms with everything.

After two girls, we had a boy. That boy has turned into a wonderful, loving young man. I have learned so much from being his mother and am eternally thankful for his place in our family. He truly completed our family. Of course when I was looking at the positive result on that pregnancy test, I had no idea that would be the case. It took a while to wrap my mind around it all.

Love your girlfriend. Just love her. Listen to her. Be there for her. Don't smother her or become needy. Be strong and reliable. She needs to feel safe and protected. She needs to see that the two of you handle anything that comes your way. Eventually she will come around and be fine, but it's going to take time. This is a major change of plan for her. She did not factor this in and is going to have to rework her life plan to include another baby.

If she sees you as more work or as someone she can manipulate or control, things will not go well with you. On the other hand, if she sees you as a life partner who can be relied upon who has her back and is not weak, she will be fine.


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## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

CynthiaDe said:


> My husband and I were married nine years when we had our first child. I was happy with one child, but my husband really wanted more children. We had another child about three years after the first. I thought we were done having children and I was careful about our pregnancy prevention method. Despite this, I got pregnant with #3. Our children are all space 2 years 9 month apart.
> 
> I was not happy about being pregnant. I cried when I read the positive results of the pregnancy test. My husband was overjoyed. He did not pressure me at all. He hugged me and told me that everything was going to be okay and this was a wonderful thing. He reassured me, but didn't pressure me. He gave me time to come to terms with everything.
> 
> ...


Thank you for taking the time to reply it is very helpful.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

482 said:


> Sorry you took it in a negative way when I said "your woman" but I feel as though she is my woman and I am her man. The rest I completely understand.


How does she feel about being called your woman??

I admit I am projecting because it sure bugs the living hell out of ME to be called someone's WOMAN. It's cave-man-ish.


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## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

Hope1964 said:


> How does she feel about being called your woman??
> 
> I admit I am projecting because it sure bugs the living hell out of ME to be called someone's WOMAN. It's cave-man-ish.


Okay no problem she does like it.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

482 said:


> Okay no problem she does like it.


How do you know she likes it? Has she actually said to you "I like it when you refer to me as your woman" or do you think she likes it because YOU like it?

I'm not arguing or attacking, simply asking. If it's the former, then you're all good.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

482 said:


> Okay no problem she does like it.


Are you sure? My ex used to call me his 'ole lady' all the time and I secretly HATED it. Whenever he used the term I would grit my teeth and smile. I highly doubt that he ever even had a clue because he was way too wrapped up in himself.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> How does she feel about being called your woman??
> 
> I admit I am projecting because it sure bugs the living hell out of ME to be called someone's WOMAN. It's cave-man-ish.


Very interesting to see this phrase rubs some the wrong way. It's the norm in my culture so I've never even really thought about it. 

So, same perspective on women referring to their partners as 'my man'?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Keke24 said:


> Very interesting to see this phrase rubs some the wrong way. It's the norm in my culture so I've never even really thought about it.
> 
> So, same perspective on women referring to their partners as 'my man'?


The only place I would call him 'my man' is in the bedroom. Or possibly on an anonymous internet forum


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Keke24 said:


> Very interesting to see this phrase rubs some the wrong way. It's the norm in my culture so I've never even really thought about it.
> 
> So, same perspective on women referring to their partners as 'my man'?


Men are typically larger and stronger than women, so to say "this is my man" typically indicates the woman feels loved and protected. Women, especially given the societal bias in America which women have fought against for years, tend to see themselves as dominated, repressed, discriminated against and controlled, so when a guy goes around saying "my woman" it can easily be interpreted as a controlling sort of thing.

This guy could probably get away with saying "My woman"


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> The only place I would call him 'my man' is in the bedroom. Or possibly on an anonymous internet forum


Very strange indeed. Was there a specific incident where it was used in a certain manner that resulted in you viewing it from a negative perspective? Same with the "ole lady" phrase. In my culture that one is a very strong term of endearment that's typically only used by older gentlemen who have been with their spouses for a significant amount of time.

Or was your negative perspective completely unprovoked?

While it's difficult for me to see these phrases in a negative light, I can certainly relate as I've recently moved countries and here, the common reference for a man getting a woman pregnant is 'breed'. A man suggesting that he wants to 'breed' a woman is perceived favourably, especially by the woman being referred to. However I find that incredibly crass and disgusting, way beyond 'caveman'. I couldn't even grit my teeth when I heard my partner use it, I wanted it completely eliminated from his vocabulary with me.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

You should support her during this difficult time, but I disagree with that it's solely her decision alone to make. If you are both thinking of marrying each other, these types of decisions should be made together. You need to take this woman off of the pedestal you have her on, and get real about your future.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

browser said:


> Men are typically larger and stronger than women, so to say "this is my man" typically indicates the woman feels loved and protected. Women, especially given the societal bias in America which women have fought against for years, tend to see themselves as dominated, repressed, discriminated against and controlled, so when a guy goes around saying "my woman" it can easily be interpreted as a controlling sort of thing.
> 
> This guy could probably get away with saying "My woman"


Hahaha, I'm only now seeing this. 

Your explanation makes a lot of sense. With that history, I can see how the phrase would be perceived negatively.


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## Trying2getitRIGHT (Mar 7, 2017)

482 said:


> First thanks for having me on the forums, this is my first post. I am a 38 year old man in in fairly new relationship that is moving fast. We have been together for about 9 months now. In the past 3 weeks we have moved in together. She has 2 kids from a previous marriage and I have one. She is a good woman who does not need me at all but wants me anyway. She can stand on her own two feet, she is beautiful inside and out, she is faithful and honest, this woman will be my wife soon. The topic of having another baby has come up throughout our relationship and in the beginning I was under the impression that she wanted to. I have always wanted to. As we talked more it became clear she did not want to have kids anymore. She once went as far as to say if that's what I wanted she is probably not the girl for me. This has been the one thing in our relationship that was a killer, something we fought about from time to time. Well she is now about 6 weeks pregnant even though she was on birth control. She is also 38 and ever since we found out about this she has been very unhappy and hard to read. Its been about two weeks like this. She does not want to talk about the pregnancy with me at all and if it comes up she is very brief and I can tell she does not want to talk anymore. When we have talked about it sometimes, we fought. Some of the tings she said were hurtful and some of the tings I said were also hurtful. The big issue for me has been that our sex life is suffering bad. In the last two weeks we had sex once and it seemed like it was just for me. Prior to this we had sex just about every day and it was great. She has asked me to just be there for her and understand she is upset but there is nothing I can do to help her. She wants me to not discuss things that are bothering me like our sex life. She does not want me to bring up things about the pregnancy. I have tried to explain that our sex life is directly tied to my happiness. The results of that conversation was typically that I need to not talk about that right now. Sometimes she has said I only think about my feelings and not hers. I do not feel this way because I would do anything for her but she has told me over and over there is nothing I can do to help. I find it very hard to deal with her rejection. I finally worked up the courage to ask her to have sex last night and she said "no thanks". She says if this happens I become disconnected and act weird. I can feel that but I do not know how to not do that when the woman I love who I had an amazing sexual relationship with is saying no thanks to my advances.


Best books you will ever read or need:
1.) https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B004...F8&qid=1489520483&sr=1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65
2.)
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B005...AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=anthony+de+mello

If she is telling you not to discuss things that are important to you, huge red flag. The first book explains the Alpha male vs Beta male. I was big on beta. You may be as well. I married a woman similar to what your saying. Marriage is like a amplifier, the things wrong now will only get worse. She may think she has the upper hand in the relationship. Dont let her. Read those books ASAP!


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Trying2getitRIGHT said:


> Marriage is like a amplifier, the things wrong now will only get worse.


That is an excellent way to describe marriage. An amplifier of existing problems. 

I'm going to use this, thanks.

:smile2:


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Trying2getitRIGHT said:


> If she is telling you not to discuss things that are important to you, huge red flag. The first book explains the Alpha male vs Beta male. I was big on beta. You may be as well. I married a woman similar to what your saying. Marriage is like a amplifier, the things wrong now will only get worse. She may think she has the upper hand in the relationship. Dont let her. Read those books ASAP!


Unless she is normally like this, unwilling to discuss issues, then I disagree. She just had a huge shock and rather than being supportive and giving her space, he is all over the place about how this is just what he wanted and asking for more sex. This is something they argued about and were thinking about breaking up over. Now he seemed to get his way without her agreement and she is understandably upset about it.

Now is not the time to go into adversarial mode. Now is the time to come together by having each other's backs. She may feel that he did not have her back and is trying to find her footing. She probably feels tricked, even though I don't think that is logical, it would be a normal response. Our emotional responses are not usually based on logic. If the OP makes it clear that he has her back and he is patient and available, but not needy, and not "see I told you so," then things should calm down within a reasonable period of time and they will be able to work through this together.


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## Trying2getitRIGHT (Mar 7, 2017)

482 said:


> First thanks for having me on the forums, this is my first post. I am a 38 year old man in in fairly new relationship that is moving fast. We have been together for about 9 months now. In the past 3 weeks we have moved in together. She has 2 kids from a previous marriage and I have one. She is a good woman who does not need me at all but wants me anyway. She can stand on her own two feet, she is beautiful inside and out, she is faithful and honest, this woman will be my wife soon. The topic of having another baby has come up throughout our relationship and in the beginning I was under the impression that she wanted to. I have always wanted to. As we talked more it became clear she did not want to have kids anymore. She once went as far as to say if that's what I wanted she is probably not the girl for me. This has been the one thing in our relationship that was a killer, something we fought about from time to time. Well she is now about 6 weeks pregnant even though she was on birth control. She is also 38 and ever since we found out about this she has been very unhappy and hard to read. Its been about two weeks like this. She does not want to talk about the pregnancy with me at all and if it comes up she is very brief and I can tell she does not want to talk anymore. When we have talked about it sometimes, we fought. Some of the tings she said were hurtful and some of the tings I said were also hurtful. The big issue for me has been that our sex life is suffering bad. In the last two weeks we had sex once and it seemed like it was just for me. Prior to this we had sex just about every day and it was great. She has asked me to just be there for her and understand she is upset but there is nothing I can do to help her. She wants me to not discuss things that are bothering me like our sex life. She does not want me to bring up things about the pregnancy. I have tried to explain that our sex life is directly tied to my happiness. The results of that conversation was typically that I need to not talk about that right now. Sometimes she has said I only think about my feelings and not hers. I do not feel this way because I would do anything for her but she has told me over and over there is nothing I can do to help. I find it very hard to deal with her rejection. I finally worked up the courage to ask her to have sex last night and she said "no thanks". She says if this happens I become disconnected and act weird. I can feel that but I do not know how to not do that when the woman I love who I had an amazing sexual relationship with is saying no thanks to my advances.


If you wish to understand this, think of a little child that is given a taste for drugs. As the drug penetrates the body of the child, it becomes addicted and its whole being cries out for the drug. To be without the drug is so unbearable a torment that it seems preferable to die. Now this is exactly what society did to you when you were a child. You were not allowed to enjoy the solid, nutritious food of life: work and play and the company of people and the pleasures of the senses and the mind. You were given a taste for the drug called Approval, Appreciation, Attention, the drug called Success, Prestige, Power. Having got a taste for these things you became addicted and began to dread their loss. You felt terror at the prospect of failure, of mistakes, of the criticism of others. So you became cravenly dependent on people and lost your freedom. Others now have the power to make you happy or miserable. And much as you now hate the suffering this involves, you find yourself completely helpless. There is never a minute when, consciously or unconsciously, you are not attuned to the reaction of others, marching to the drum of their demands. When you are ignored or disapproved of, you experience a loneliness so unbearable that you crawl back to people to beg for the comfort known as Support, Encouragement, Reassurance. To live with people in this state involves never-ending tension; but to live without them brings the agony of loneliness. You have lost your capacity to see them clearly as they are and to respond to them accurately because mostly your perception of them is clouded by your need to get your drug.

Anthony De Mello


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## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

Thank you everyone for your input. I have not brought up anything to her about sex and I have just been there for her. I told her that I don't want to discuss sex at all until she is ready to. I told her that I am here for her if she wants to discuss how she is feeling about all of this. I also apologized for being so self centered and selfish about this. I have to be honest though its killing me seeing her upset all the time and not being able to do anything about it. When I ask her if she wants to talk about how she feels she just says nothing has changed, in other words, she is still unhappy. She really seems like she does not want to discuss it at all. Do you think me just being there and saying nothing is helping her? How long do you think I should let this go on this way it before I recommend we talk to someone together to start moving in a positive direction? Sometimes it seems like I'm living the definition of insanity but that may just be my impatience creeping in.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If she REALLY doesn't want this baby she needs to address that. Forget about the sex - that's the least of your worries right now. She needs to figure this out before it's too late. 38 is rather old to be having a baby - she'll be almost 60 by the time the kid leaves home. You two need to sit down and have a true heart to heart and decide if you really want this kid. If she refuses to address it within the next few weeks then I would say drag her to a counselor or something. She's setting herself up for MAJOR PPD here, and you're going to be the one left holding the bag.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

482 said:


> . Do you think me just being there and saying nothing is helping her? .


As long as you're being supportive and encouraging and putting her needs ahead of your own, you are helping her.

It might not obtain your desired goal which is to live happily ever after and raise your child together as loving parents, but for the short term, it's all you can do. This is a slow process and you need to be patient, which you acknowledge is an issue for you. Think of it as an exercise in self control. 

How long should you wait before you start pushing her for answers to satisfy your own agenda? 

At least a few more days.


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## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

Guess its only fair to update this post. She ended up having a miscarriage. We ended up splitting up for about three months because we really were tearing one another apart. We were very bad at resolving conflict. This experience has taught me a lot. I sucked at being there for her, listening, and understanding what she is going through. I always tried to argue with her to try and make her feel the way I do rather than just understanding that she needed me. We would fight so often because I would react like **** when she was just trying to open up to me. I had a tendency to make things about me and become somewhat needy. I also was completely horrible at just being uncomfortable or unhappy. That kind of thing happens from time to time in relationships and in life. The way I react to them in life (jump in and fix it, pass the hammer, lol) does not work in relationships and its extremely hard for me to not react to it the same way and try and fix it. I am getting better at that. She also knows a lot more about me now and what I need from her in a relationship. That has been relayed in a clear way after much thought not as a reaction to something else. I feel like we have learned more about each other in the past 2 months then we have in all the rest of the time we were together.


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