# Husband never wants sex 😥



## Nattypops (Jul 9, 2015)

Hey, I've joined this forum as I am a 25 year old mother of 2 toddlers who is very unhappy in my marriage and don't know what else to do. We have had problems with sex for about 7 years of our 11 year relationship however I loved him so stuck around hoping things would get better as he kept promising he would try harder. He works 8am until 5pm in a fairly physically demanding outdoor job so I never bother him for sex during the week although it was never a problem through the week at an earlier stage in our relationship and eventually he started rejecting me constantly or purposely ignoring my advances to the point where I never initiate sex because I am so scared of the embarrassment I have felt so many times. Anytime I try to talk about it he comes up with an excuse so I then try and fix whatever load of rubbish he has came up with for him to find another obstacle as to why we can't have sex. I am 25 and have sex about 12 times a year and some if those times it's over pretty fast to which I pretend it doesn't bother me. Everything is always on his terms which devastates me. In last few weeks I've got very brave and tried to initiate a couple of times and been met with the same old usual anger. I keep myself in best condition I can for a mother of 2 young kids.....showered every day and night, make up on, nice clothes and hair straightened or curled which never ever gets noticed by my husband just how much I try to get attention from him. He never compliments me on anything and the compliments I rarely get are always because ive prodded for them by saying "does this look okay" etc and he gives the impression he couldn't care less. I am desperate for the feeling of an intimate connection, just to feel loved, attractive and secure in our marriage. I love him and I know he loves me however I'm unhappy how little he appreciates me for the loving and loyal wife that I am and now much I try for him when he can't even meet me a fraction of the way. I want to have sex every day however I realised years ago that it was unrealistic so I settled for a few times a week which has gradually decreased to about 12 times a year. I've dressed up in lingerie, bought kinky toys bla bla bla....nothing works and I'm left feeling mortified and ashamed of myself. There's much more I could discuss such as him calling me fat in the past as well as verbally abusing me however that's not happened in about 2 years but I still remember it from time to time and I feel as sick today as I did back then when he said those awful things to me. Please can anyone give me advice on what to do or feel free to ask me anything else you want to know ....I've tried to make sure I haven't omitted anything however it's nearly 5 in the morning and I've been up all night breaking my heart thinking that my marriage will eventually fail


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm sorry that you are here with this problem. It sucks. I lived through the same type of thing. I ended up divorcing because of the sexlessness and other abuse.

We usually only hear about women withholding sex and/or making a marriage sexless. We are fed the lie that all men want sex all the time. So when a woman finds herself in the situation you are in, she feels at fault. The fact is that men withhold sex and even choose to make a marriage sexless as often as women do. A marriage is considered sexless if there is sex 10 or fewer times a year. With only 12 time for you, it's pretty darn close to sexless.

Here is a book that I think will help you put things in perspective. You would learn, for one thing, that you are hardly alone with your problem.

Why Men Stop Having Sex: Men, the Phenomenon of Sexless Relationships, and What You Can Do About It

Most of the time when a man does what your husband is doing, it's because he harbors resentment and anger. So he withholds sex as a passive aggressive way to punish his wife.

What other passive aggressive things does your husband do? Most people who don't use passive aggressiveness in just one area of their relationship.

You say that he has been verbally abusive in the past. Is he also emotionally abusive in ways besides withholding sex?

You said that he tells you that it's because you do things that he does no like. So you work on fixing it. Then he changes what his complaints are. It sounds like he's just looking for something to pick on to maintain his emotional distance.

Is there any chance that he is cheating? Or is he using a lot of porn?


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

Hello. Sorry you are here. You have not told us how old your husband is. Does he has any medical issues? From sound of it, he should be healthy by been working outside all the times. How is his performance during sex time? Any ED? Sexless marriages do not have a height chance of lasting if one partner is frustrated.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

sounds like sex has been an issue for the majority of your relationship (7 out of 11 years). You say you know he loves you yet what you describe of his actions don't sound so loving. Are there other things he does that indicate his love for you? 

Only you know best but based on what information you have provided it seems to me you may be assuming and hoping he still loves you. Certainly for the length of time you've been together and with two small children there are many reasons to try to make the marriage work. 

That being said it seems to me there is much to work on in the relationship. Any ideas why you think your husband treats you so badly? Sounds as if he has belittled you in the past as he continues to do so in other ways. How does he act towards you around friends and family?


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## Nattypops (Jul 9, 2015)

Thanks for replying, I'm very positive that he isn't cheating and again almost as sure he doesn't look at porn. I can't think of other ways he has been emotionally abusive other than making me feel low and a failure for failing my driving test and for not returning to uni as quick as he would like however with 2 young kids it's harder than it sounds to just go back to uni 😔. Xxx


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## Nattypops (Jul 9, 2015)

life_huppens said:


> Hello. Sorry you are here. You have not told us how old your husband is. Does he has any medical issues? From sound of it, he should be healthy by been working outside all the times. How is his performance during sex time? Any ED? Sexless marriages do not have a height chance of lasting if one partner is frustrated.


Hey sorry just getting hang of how to use this as never been on aforum 
Before lol..... My husband is 26 and when we have sex it is great, he always spends time before actual inter course on me but doesn't accept me returning the favour so to speak most of time. He has psoarisis which he knows doesn't bother me at all so I'm not sure that is issue because most of our relationship he hasn't had any flare ups from it. I'm not sure what ED is lol sorry for ignorance 😂. I love him so much and I am desperate to do whatever it takes for him to want me even a fraction of how I want him xx


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## Nattypops (Jul 9, 2015)

Maneo said:


> sounds like sex has been an issue for the majority of your relationship (7 out of 11 years). You say you know he loves you yet what you describe of his actions don't sound so loving. Are there other things he does that indicate his love for you?
> 
> Only you know best but based on what information you have provided it seems to me you may be assuming and hoping he still loves you. Certainly for the length of time you've been together and with two small children there are many reasons to try to make the marriage work.
> 
> That being said it seems to me there is much to work on in the relationship. Any ideas why you think your husband treats you so badly? Sounds as if he has belittled you in the past as he continues to do so in other ways. How does he act towards you around friends and family?


I can see how I've made it sound quite bad but I suppose it was bad in the past, he treated me like rubbish when I was pregnant for 2nd time because he was worrying about anything and everything and verbally and emotionally taking it out on me &#55357;&#56873; I was in early labour and asked him to stay and help me because I thought I was a few hours away from giving birth however he left me to deal with a 2 year old while in pain from mild contractions....I lost faith in him because of this and would never have more Kids because i never want to feel that let down again. He says things like I can't have a relationship they way they do in fairytales which is obviously very unrealistic and I'm with him on that but I don't see how he can't show he loves me &#55357;&#56873;


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
look at some of the HD/LD (high desire / low desire) threads here. This is surprisingly common, and absolutely miserable. Some people (men and women) just have a very limited interest in sex and in most cases nothing will change it. That leaves many high desire people in a terrible frustrating position of being denied a fulfilling sex life if they stay with the person they love.

This has been discussed a LOT so people may not want to repost but I the old threads are worth reading.

BTW - this probably has nothing to do with you - it is his problem, not yours.

Of course it could be something else. What is your relationship like other than the sexual side? 

Its a miserable situation and you have my sympathy. I've spent >25 years trying to make it better with very limited success.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I never can wrap my head around guys who don't want to have sex with their wives. You're freaking 25. He should be all over you. 

Are you over weight? Also how old is your husband? 

Regardless, the only thing that I can suggest is for you to up your sexiness. Go join a gym. Pilates, Yoga, Zumba, and spin classes all do wonders for the female form.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Nattypops said:


> I can see how I've made it sound quite bad but I suppose it was bad in the past, he treated me like rubbish when I was pregnant for 2nd time because he was worrying about anything and everything and verbally and emotionally taking it out on me �� I was in early labour and asked him to stay and help me because I thought I was a few hours away from giving birth however he left me to deal with a 2 year old while in pain from mild contractions....I lost faith in him because of this and would never have more Kids because i never want to feel that let down again. *He says things like I can't have a relationship they way they do in fairytales* which is obviously very unrealistic and I'm with him on that but I don't see how he can't show he loves me ��


He's right about that part. You can't have a fairy tale relationship. But you CAN have a relationship with a man that respects and desires you. Perhaps just not this man.


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## Nattypops (Jul 9, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> look at some of the HD/LD (high desire / low desire) threads here. This is surprisingly common, and absolutely miserable. Some people (men and women) just have a very limited interest in sex and in most cases nothing will change it. That leaves many high desire people in a terrible frustrating position of being denied a fulfilling sex life if they stay with the person they love.
> 
> This has been discussed a LOT so people may not want to repost but I the old threads are worth reading.
> ...


Hi thanks for advice, I will have a look at other threads, only had a chance to go through about 5 and I have started to realise my problem is more common than I thought. Our relationship is okay I suppose....we aren't into drinking or anything so we enjoy going out for dinner or to the cinema etc...he does almost nothing to help me in house which I understand after a hard day at work however after a 12 hour shift I was still expected to do everything around house which combined with 2 babies and studying for exams put me into depression which he gave me no help or sympathy for (not that I wanted sympathy) I am one to just soldier on through my problems and am more about helping other people than asking for help myself. He is a fabulous father which I cannot deny and he works hard for us but he likes to remind me that he works his bum off which makes me feel like a failure as I haven't worked for almost 5 months. After both kids I returned to working very fast and again burnt myself out as I had no support. In terms of the verbal abuse I used to get constantly from him hasn't happened in about 2 years since he quit smoking dope (I despised this horrible habit and never allowed it anywhere near me or kids) luckily he kept it well away from home and it didn't have any effects in him like you would think eg. He didn't appear stoned however this was most definently the cause of the abusive behaviour as it hasn't happened anywhere near as bad as it was since he quit. I gave him the ultimatum to quit or I would leave him because I am very anti drugs and did not want such a thing in anyway involved in my life or my kids......he chose the right thing to do and quit. Sorry telling you deepest darkest secrets. He is fine around my family most of time and we spend loads of time with both sides of family. He has occasionally spoke down to me in front of a family member or friend which has upset me but I can deal with that....I'm no anger myself and can occasionally moan about something such as him leaving mud over house from work boots or other daft things like that.


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## Nattypops (Jul 9, 2015)

Fozzy said:


> He's right about that part. You can't have a fairy tale relationship. But you CAN have a relationship with a man that respects and desires you. Perhaps just not this man.


Yeah he is totally right in that respect....however he thinks a few kisses a day initiated by him and a few cuddles a day are unrealistic lol....that's what he would call fairytale behaviour. I'm easily pleased and don't expect expensive gifts or big massive displays of affection. It's just the simple things I'm after xxx


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Nattypops said:


> Hey, I've joined this forum as I am a 25 year old mother of 2 toddlers who is very unhappy in my marriage and don't know what else to do. We have had problems with sex for about 7 years of our 11 year relationship however I loved him so stuck around hoping things would get better as he kept promising he would try harder. He works 8am until 5pm in a fairly physically demanding outdoor job so I never bother him for sex during the week although it was never a problem through the week at an earlier stage in our relationship and eventually he started rejecting me constantly or purposely ignoring my advances to the point where I never initiate sex because I am so scared of the embarrassment I have felt so many times. Anytime I try to talk about it he comes up with an excuse so I then try and fix whatever load of rubbish he has came up with for him to find another obstacle as to why we can't have sex. I am 25 and have sex about 12 times a year and some if those times it's over pretty fast to which I pretend it doesn't bother me. Everything is always on his terms which devastates me. In last few weeks I've got very brave and tried to initiate a couple of times and been met with the same old usual anger. I keep myself in best condition I can for a mother of 2 young kids.....showered every day and night, make up on, nice clothes and hair straightened or curled which never ever gets noticed by my husband just how much I try to get attention from him. He never compliments me on anything and the compliments I rarely get are always because ive prodded for them by saying "does this look okay" etc and he gives the impression he couldn't care less. I am desperate for the feeling of an intimate connection, just to feel loved, attractive and secure in our marriage. I love him and I know he loves me however I'm unhappy how little he appreciates me for the loving and loyal wife that I am and now much I try for him when he can't even meet me a fraction of the way. I want to have sex every day however I realised years ago that it was unrealistic so I settled for a few times a week which has gradually decreased to about 12 times a year. I've dressed up in lingerie, bought kinky toys bla bla bla....nothing works and I'm left feeling mortified and ashamed of myself. There's much more I could discuss such as him calling me fat in the past as well as verbally abusing me however that's not happened in about 2 years but I still remember it from time to time and I feel as sick today as I did back then when he said those awful things to me. Please can anyone give me advice on what to do or feel free to ask me anything else you want to know ....I've tried to make sure I haven't omitted anything however it's nearly 5 in the morning and I've been up all night breaking my heart thinking that my marriage will eventually fail



You came to the right place.

I too am married to a LD spouse, so you and I are in a similar situation.


As a married hubby of almost 16 years, the reasons for a guy to lose interest in sex with his wife:

- seeing a co worker, affair
- secretly addicted to porn
- likes men, gay or at least bi
- let himself go and needs to lose weight, insecure
- works a very stressful job and that drains him
- financial stress
- not attracted to his woman because she isn't in the shape she was before having kids
- stopped initiating and wanting sex because his wife in the beginning was always turning him down, not in the mood, so he gave up.
- low testosterone levels, happens to some guys when they're older


To me, you sound like an ideal wife, doing fun things to spice it up, dress sexy and initiate often because you like sex.

You are a HD woman and he probably is a LD guy and sexual mismatch is very common.

I too could have sex every day and I need that physical intimacy, just like you. But your hubby is similar to my wifee and both don't need sex or physicality and are LD.


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## Nattypops (Jul 9, 2015)

jsmart said:


> I never can wrap my head around guys who don't want to have sex with their wives. You're freaking 25. He should be all over you.
> 
> Are you over weight? Also how old is your husband?
> 
> Regardless, the only thing that I can suggest is for you to up your sexiness. Go join a gym. Pilates, Yoga, Zumba, and spin classes all do wonders for the female form.


Lol I wish he was all over me ....I'm a bit overweight I suppose but I still have a curvy shape which I suppose he apparently finds very attractive....he says he prefers it to before kids when I was very skinny. I spend 2 hours a day going long walks to trim myself up a bit however he isn't perfect either in his eyes although I find him lovely. I've done gym, Zumba and body attack before and also running and again he has had no interest in me...it's all been a lost cause. He is 26 years old . He used to care when I was out walking myself at night and would make sure I got home safe etc however now if intake dog out late at night he doesn't care at all lol and just goes to his bed without a thought of whether I hot home safe or not (sounds daft going out that late but I have a 7 month old dog that won't go in garden and needs out constantly as he is a husky) I don't know if people are right and he doesn't really love me although he says he does 😩. God knows


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

jsmart said:


> I never can wrap my head around guys who don't want to have sex with their wives. You're freaking 25. He should be all over you.
> 
> *Are you over weight?* Also how old is your husband?
> 
> Regardless, the only thing that I can suggest is for you to up your sexiness. Go join a gym. Pilates, Yoga, Zumba, and spin classes all do wonders for the female form.


The fact that he's called you overweight in the past may be a clue as to why he doesn't initiate sex much. I don't mean to be rude or mean, just trying to help you diagnose a root cause. Also, it's possible that his T levels are off and he's not been diagnosed or treated. At 25, you do not deserve to only have sex once/month. You deserve a lot more than that plus someone who will love and respect you for who you are.


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## Nattypops (Jul 9, 2015)

CuddleBug said:


> You came to the right place.
> 
> I too am married to a LD spouse, so you and I are in a similar situation.
> 
> ...


Thanks Hun for replying....I think the most likely is that I'm not the same shape as before kids which I am working on..(based on feedback from others which I've not asked for lol they say I'm attractive and have a nice body however I get embarrassed people saying that and I'm mortified even saying it incase I sound like I adore myself but I'm not the worst looking wife to have I suppose and apparently i have a great personality and plenty of friends so I can't be that bad (I hope) I just wish he would count himself lucky to have a wife that adores him and a,though I've had plenty of opportunity when another man has shown interest in me I have shot them straight down because I am a faithful and loyal wife, I would die for my husband. The low testosterone is what I hope it is because at least that way hormones are to blame and it's not me xxx


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## Nattypops (Jul 9, 2015)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> The fact that he's called you overweight in the past may be a clue as to why he doesn't initiate sex much. I don't mean to be rude or mean, just trying to help you diagnose a root cause. Also, it's possible that his T levels are off and he's not been diagnosed or treated. At 25, you do not deserve to only have sex once/month. You deserve a lot more than that plus someone who will love and respect you for who you are.


Thanks Hunni, I appreciate people being totally honest even if it seems rude. If people think I may be the problem then I will do whatever I can to fix it for the sake of my kids and for us. I really hope it isn't anything to do with me being a bit overweight because I accept, love and fancy him for any of his flaws. I hope he feels the same about me. He will tell me what he thinks I want to hear sometimes after I have kept on at him but it's never off his own back which hurts xxxx


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## Nattypops (Jul 9, 2015)

He just doesn't seem to find sex as important as I see it. To me it's how we connect and show we love each other although I show him in loads of other way that I love him. He is my husband so I expect everything I get from my friends with the addition of having sex and being intimate in other ways as that's part of what a marriage is xx

I also have found that because we do not have sex often I end up feeling quite sore when we do because of the lack of it. I've never found it painful before the frequency of sex went this low and I am okay physically. I know if this carries on we will end up divorcing. I meant every word of my wedding vows and remember them however my husband does not....he also left his speech for our wedding until last minute and everyone of my friends agreed that he did not out much effort into it which made it look like he didn't care to do me justice...it was embarrassing to me although I haven't said that to him as I'd much rather forget it but it hurt my feelings when that was all he had to do in terms of contributing to the wedding as I done everything else down to the tiniest detail. He was also stoned on our wedding day which was obvious as it was stinking, I could have strangled him and his best man especially as I asked them not to do it on our wedding day. I feel like I've had to put up with so much yet I am the one trying to earn his approval and love when it should be the other way round. I have no idea why I love him anymore apart from him being a good dad and working hard for us. My feelings aren't any sort of priority for him.


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## Nattypops (Jul 9, 2015)

Also I should point out that I have never turned him down for sex or criticised anything to do with his performance xx


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Nattypops said:


> Thanks Hun for replying....I think the most likely is that I'm not the same shape as before kids which I am working on..(based on feedback from others which I've not asked for lol they say *I'm attractive and have a nice body *however I get embarrassed people saying that and I'm mortified even saying it incase I sound like I adore myself but I'm not the worst looking wife to have I suppose and apparently i have a great personality and plenty of friends so I can't be that bad (I hope) I just wish he would count himself lucky to have a wife that adores him and a,though I've had plenty of opportunity when another man has shown interest in me I have shot them straight down because I am a faithful and loyal wife, I would die for my husband. The low testosterone is what I hope it is because at least that way hormones are to blame and it's not me xxx


So you're a young MILF with a 26 year old hubby and he's not hitting it multiple times a week? Either he's too tired from his physical job, using porn, low T, cheating, or gay. 

Time to go into investigative mode. Do you have access to cell phone records. Passwords for phone, email, and social media?


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## Nattypops (Jul 9, 2015)

jsmart said:


> So you're a young MILF with a 26 year old hubby and he's not hitting it multiple times a week? Either he's too tired from his physical job, using porn, low T, cheating, or gay.
> 
> Time to go into investigative mode. Do you have access to cell phone records. Passwords for phone, email, and social media?


He always leaves his phone around so he has nothing to hide and doesn't even use social media....he can't be bothers with anything like that and has no interest in email or any online stuff, I find it weird but he isn't hiding anything like that. 

I've brought it up again with him and I got quite upset, he kept walking away from me whilst I was pouring my heart out.....he said I have obviously been waiting all day to ruin his evening and he is fed up of my s### so I've to get the divorce papers and he will happily sign them because he can't be bothered with me anymore. My son is with me and daughter is at her grans so I'll have to keep my brave face on until they are in bed some don't upset them. Husband is away out to work again and then going to visit his mum after it. He would rather spend times with his mum and dad than with me. I actually can't describe the horrible broken hearted feeling I have right now. My life is a mess and I've never felt so alone. I'll just need to get I with it and keep brave for kids sake as I don't want it affecting their lovely little heads xxx sorry for the rant xxx


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## Nattypops (Jul 9, 2015)

I've spent too much time thinking I'm too ugly or too fat and just a generally crap person and convince myself it's my fault but I'm now thinking he just doesn't know now to love with the exception of our children. He doesn't really have any friends as he graduated,my stopped bothering with them which I got the blame for however it was because when he was younger he would rather sit In his bedroom and smoke dope than go out and have fun with his mates, he also never had any money to do anything because he was spending it on that rubbish which I turn meant that he never took me out either. I'm a fool for staying so long with him but I feel sorry for people easily and let my heart rule over my head. I was adamant that our relationship was done nearly 6 years ago however I found out I was pregnant and didn't want to be a single mum so I chose the path I thought was more acceptable. I would to change anything to be fair as I have my babies who are my life xxx


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Any chance of getting him to the doctor for a testosterone level check?

Something is up -

You said he was stoned on your wedding day...does he still smoke weed? Any other drugs?

What type of physically demanding job? like totally wiped out at the end of the day? Has he always done this type of work? Eventually -your body gets used to the exertion and your baseline improves so it doesn't knock you out so bad.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

good evening
Unfortunately this is the perfect succinct summary of a LD person. I say unfortunately because LD people very rarely change. There is usually no way to convince them of how important sex is to YOU.



Nattypops said:


> snip
> He just doesn't seem to find sex as important as I see it.
> snip
> .


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
You can have a near fairy tale relationship - if both cooperate. 

I've been married >25 years, wife is in her 50s, scars from breast cancer etc. But I love her and am constantly affectionate. I get her flowers, send her love notes. Kiss her on the back of the neck when she is at the computer. etc. We go to romantic places, have dinner dates every week, etc. 

For some people love, romance and intimacy are all bundled together.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Natty--it's sometimes possible to work out a sexually mismatched relationship if both people are on board. I'll tell you the honest truth though--I've never seen it work out when the low-drive person is the man.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Nattypops said:


> He always *leaves his phone around so he has nothing to hide *and doesn't even use social media....he can't be bothers with anything like that and has no interest in email or any online stuff, I find it weird but he isn't hiding anything like that.
> 
> I've brought it up again with him and I got quite upset, he kept walking away from me whilst I was pouring my heart out.....*he said I have obviously been waiting all day to ruin his evening and he is fed up of my s### so I've to get the divorce papers and he will happily sign them because he can't be bothered with me anymore.* My son is with me and daughter is at her grans so I'll have to keep my brave face on until they are in bed some don't upset them. *Husband is away out to work again and then going to visit his mum after it. He would rather spend times with his mum and dad than with me. * I actually can't describe the horrible broken hearted feeling I have right now. My life is a mess and I've never felt so alone. I'll just need to get I with it and keep brave for kids sake as I don't want it affecting their lovely little heads xxx sorry for the rant xxx


My Goodness. My jaw just dropped reading his response. I think of the countless men on this and similar boards who would do anything for a wife with your attitude. I could only dream of my wife coming to me wanting more intimacy. That's it, I'm writing cupid a letter for all the obviously mismatched couples.

But seriously. You need to go James Bond now. Something ain't right. How do you know he's at his parents? If he is there, could he be sneaking out? He could have a burner phone.


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## Nattypops (Jul 9, 2015)

jsmart said:


> My Goodness. My jaw just dropped reading his response. I think of the countless men on this and similar boards who would do anything for a wife with your attitude. I could only dream of my wife coming to me wanting more intimacy. That's it, I'm writing cupid a letter for all the obviously mismatched couples.
> 
> But seriously. You need to go James Bond now. Something ain't right. How do you know he's at his parents? If he is there, could he be sneaking out? He could have a burner phone.


Lol yeah my jaw dropped as well, I'm trying to keep busy so I don't break down crying in front of my son. He is a fairly simple guy so Deffo not got a burner phone or anything like that. I'm very certain he is always where he says he is. I trust him not to cheat despite all our problems I know he wouldn't do that but at least I'd have an explanation I suppose. I feel like I am in limbo because I don't know why he acts like he hates me, I wish he would step in my shoes for a day.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

It's possible he's cheating, but I think he's just an ass.


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## Nattypops (Jul 9, 2015)

MarriedDude said:


> Any chance of getting him to the doctor for a testosterone level check?
> 
> Something is up -
> 
> ...


He has said he will go to the doctors but I'm still waiting so sill probably ever happen. He doesn't smoke it anymore and has never touched another drug so no worries about that. He has been a gardener the full time of our relationship but has the energy when it suits him to go do something. Eleven years of issues are unravelling, I didn't realise how much I bottled up xxx thanks for trying to help everyone I appreciate it xxx


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## Nattypops (Jul 9, 2015)

Fozzy said:


> It's possible he's cheating, but I think he's just an ass.


Lol yip he is indeed . I was away for my friends hen weekend a while ago and he never contacted me once...not one text or update on kids so I had to keep texting and calling him. He said this was because he didn't want to bother me. An update on kids would have been nice without me having to ask! He knew how much I was pining for kids when I was away yet he didn't bother. He also told me now stressed he was and how much kids were misbehaving so that ruined weekend for me as I was desperate to get home to kids. He was supposed to pick me up at train station when I got back.....I waited and waited while all my friends partners arrived and gave them big kisses and cuddles whilst I was standing mortified waiting on my hubby....when he eventually showed up I did t even get a kiss or cuddle, he just sped up like an idiot some could tell he was in a bad mood.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

You just need to work on improving yourself and being a good mother. Hopefully he'll turn it around before you tire of him. 

I actually feel sorry for your husband. He has no idea what he destroying but I've seen this movie too many times. It starts with you going back to work and ending up cheating with a co-worker that will have no qualms about banging a young married mother. You developing feelings for OM and want to leave marriage for him. Your husband realizing when he see's you pulling away but by then it's too late. Damage is done. 

I hope not but it's too common. With you he has the kids with the wife of his youth and he throwing it away with that nasty attitude. When his kids are living with another man and he only gets to see his kids every other weekend then he'll kick himself.


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

I know you love him, but based on your replies, it does not look like he does loves you. LD or not, he still could provide you with some affection. I also believe he thinks that he has you for a life no matter what he does. I think you need to standup for yourself. Also, you keep making excuses for him, he is 26 in a pick of his physical performance. I am sure he can find some strength to give you physical love you lust for once per week. Other thing that concerned me is his use of pot. Are you sure he is not on something else? Now they can test for drug use from hair. Take some of his hair from hair brush and send to the lab for testing. If he is on other drugs, or rapidity smokes dope, do you want this man to influence your children? do you see yourself for the rest of your life with this kind of man? In any case, suggest him to go together to marriage counseling. You are 25, you have full life ahead. Make him understand how you feel and how negatively it effects your marriage. 
Good luck


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## Nattypops (Jul 9, 2015)

life_huppens said:


> I know you love him, but based on your replies, it does not look like he does loves you. LD or not, he still could provide you with some affection. I also believe he thinks that he has you for a life no matter what he does. I think you need to standup for yourself. Also, you keep making excuses for him, he is 26 in a pick of his physical performance. I am sure he can find some strength to give you physical love you lust for once per week. Other thing that concerned me is his use of pot. Are you sure he is not on something else? Now they can test for drug use from hair. Take some of his hair from hair brush and send to the lab for testing. If he is on other drugs, or rapidity smokes dope, do you want this man to influence your children? do you see yourself for the rest of your life with this kind of man? In any case, suggest him to go together to marriage counseling. You are 25, you have full life ahead. Make him understand how you feel and how negatively it effects your marriage.
> Good luck


Hey thanks for reply, I am positive he isn't using pot or doing anything else as he stopped when we had kids, I'm in no doubt about this otherwise I would have already left him as I'm totally anti drugs and so is he now. I've suggested counselling before but he has basically laughed in my face. I think I'm at point in my life now where its make or break with him. I will try everything people have suggested to me to see if it helps the situation. Thanks xx
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nattypops (Jul 9, 2015)

jsmart said:


> You just need to work on improving yourself and being a good mother. Hopefully he'll turn it around before you tire of him.
> 
> I actually feel sorry for your husband. He has no idea what he destroying but I've seen this movie too many times. It starts with you going back to work and ending up cheating with a co-worker that will have no qualms about banging a young married mother. You developing feelings for OM and want to leave marriage for him. Your husband realizing when he see's you pulling away but by then it's too late. Damage is done.
> 
> I hope not but it's too common. With you he has the kids with the wife of his youth and he throwing it away with that nasty attitude. When his kids are living with another man and he only gets to see his kids every other weekend then he'll kick himself.


I agree with you, sad thing is i think cheating in a relationship is disgusting however I can now understand why people do it although I'm certain I would never fall into that trap xxx
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

Well. Give it a try, but do not take too much time (I mean years). If he really loves you, he would try to change if not, perhaps you are wasting your time. It might come down to hard choices from your side. Be strong...


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

Do you think he may be a Passive Aggressive man? PA men tend to withhold sex as a passive aggressive way to punish their wife. They always blame other people for their problems and often "forget" to important things like birthdays, anniversaries, writing wedding vows, etc. Here's a description of a Passive Aggressive man: The Passive Aggressive Man: He's All About Control | YourTango


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Nattypops said:


> I agree with you, sad thing is i think cheating in a relationship is disgusting however I can now understand why people do it although I'm certain I would never fall into that trap xxx
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


All of the forums I've read woman always say their not the type of person to cheat. But $hit happens. 

Your husband has no idea that you're like a fully ripe juicy Golden delicious apple just waiting for the right guy to spit game at you a take a bite. This is not a dig at you. You're a young woman with natural desires at the peak of your desirability. 

A young wife should never be left wanting affection. Your husband is young and immature but the ache of losing your wife and mother of your kids to someone else is a cruel maturer.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

peacem said:


> Is he depressed? Anxiety is a libido killer.


You mentioned that he says you can not have the relationships that people have in fairytales and you also mentioned that he works very hard during the week and comes home tired. You also mentioned he comes up with a bunch of rubbish to argue about whenever it might be a time to talk about intimacy issues. To me this sounds a lot like anxiety and stress.

First of all you can read through threads here and realize that you are not alone, and that will probably help you rebuild your self respect and revitalize your will to improve your situation. 

If your situation is stress related, you need to find out if it is physical or financial stress. I would strongly want to jump to the conclusion that two toddlers would create a great deal of financial stress as raising kids has become insanely expensive. If it is financial stress perhaps you could help relieve some of that by being very creative in the house to improve the overall budget, such as couponing or going out on a home made picnic instead of going out to a restaurant. 

If your husband's stress is physically related to a demanding job of working with his hands, that is a tough one! My brother used to work in construction and saw many people injure themselves, hide it, and try to muscle through the pain in order to make ends meet. If that is the case, you need to try to find any possible way to supplement the household income so that your husband can get a little relief and possibly try to adjust his career to something that is not as physically demanding. 

Even if all my suggestions are off course, keep in mind that fixing problems in the bedroom usually start with fixing problems outside the bedroom. At the end of the day, your husband will likely be very grateful and closer if he comes home and feels the two of you are on the same team and that he is not struggling to hold together a family that just wants to live in a fairytale.

Now if you just want some *bad advice* > to quickly resolve things in the short term, just brag to your husband about your ability to masturbate and say that things got way out of control earlier in the day and that you wish he had been there! Then ignore the topic as if nothing and see if he bites!

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

It's that this is happening to you at 25. In my case it is the opposite, I am HD and my wife is LD. She tells me that women have HD but have to control it as a sacrifice. I say what is the point of such a sacrifice? But I must say when I was in my 20s, I was not trying to have sex every night either. Maybe worries about career, addiction to internet (not p0rn) and other things. She wasn't HD then either though. After our first child, we went through about a year without sex. Nowadays though, I want it every few days, but get it at best once a week. Usually once every 2 weeks because my wife claims that she is tired. She is never tired when running around doing absurd things for the kids though.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Elle said men can be equally avoiding sex as women.

I don't agree. While the LD partner could be man or woman, I think it is most likely that men want it and women avoid it. Just a look around on these threads will tell you this. My theory is that women want it before they have kids. After kids, the "need" for sex declines. This applies to most women, but of course not all. Most Men are up for it all the time (not all, but most). I remember when I would reach home at 11pm after 8.5 hours work and 3 hours class and 2 hours commute and my wife would want to have sex (to make a baby). That was the last time she initiated forcefully and its been years. Once the baby phase was over, then she's "done" and sex is a chore.


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## Nattypops (Jul 9, 2015)

We were discussing it and surprise surprise he walked away shouting at me about how its my fault. I cant deal with this tonight, no energy for more shouting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nattypops (Jul 9, 2015)

Thanks for help everyone, he has said he will try. ...hope he does for our marriage
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening 
Think to yourself - is the non sexual part of your relationship great? 

I have been struggling in a LD/HD situation for decades, but the key is that my wife is wonderful in other ways - she is worth the sacrifice. 

Is that true in your case. Would you be gloriously happy if the sex was good, or are things bad otherwise. This may help you decide what is and isn't worth sacrificing for.


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## unblinded (May 27, 2015)

jsmart said:


> *I never can wrap my head around guys who don't want to have sex with their wives. You're freaking 25. He should be all over you.*


This!

At that age, my wife had to beat me off with a stick (no pun intended).


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

nirvana said:


> Elle said men can be equally avoiding sex as women.
> 
> I don't agree. While the LD partner could be man or woman, I think it is most likely that men want it and women avoid it. Just a look around on these threads will tell you this. My theory is that women want it before they have kids. After kids, the "need" for sex declines. This applies to most women, but of course not all. Most Men are up for it all the time (not all, but most). I remember when I would reach home at 11pm after 8.5 hours work and 3 hours class and 2 hours commute and my wife would want to have sex (to make a baby). That was the last time she initiated forcefully and its been years. Once the baby phase was over, then she's "done" and sex is a chore.


as a team member in good standing of the males and having played the game with 2 wives and 4 kids I'm going with Elle on this one. I think it is a myth perpetuated in the popular culture that men always want it and women only want it til the kids arrive. This forum does not represent a random sample of the general population.

For our long suffering OP, glad to hear you are hanging in there and there appears to be a glimmer of hope of hubby coming around but my gut says there is something deeper amiss. Lack of sex may be the result but the cause may lie elsewhere - in him, in the relationship. As you move forward, be honest with yourself for you may face hard decisions ahead.


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## Nattypops (Jul 9, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> Think to yourself - is the non sexual part of your relationship great?
> 
> I have been struggling in a LD/HD situation for decades, but the key is that my wife is wonderful in other ways - she is worth the sacrifice.
> ...




Thank you, I'd say things are good enough that if the sex and affection side was sorted then I'd be very happy. He knows this is now make or break so it's up to him to decide if I'm worth trying for. Xxx


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## Nattypops (Jul 9, 2015)

Maneo said:


> as a team member in good standing of the males and having played the game with 2 wives and 4 kids I'm going with Elle on this one. I think it is a myth perpetuated in the popular culture that men always want it and women only want it til the kids arrive. This forum does not represent a random sample of the general population.
> 
> For our long suffering OP, glad to hear you are hanging in there and there appears to be a glimmer of hope of hubby coming around but my gut says there is something deeper amiss. Lack of sex may be the result but the cause may lie elsewhere - in him, in the relationship. As you move forward, be honest with yourself for you may face hard decisions ahead.


I am praying that him having a low sex drive is because of low testosterone because only other possible explanations are that he is not attracted to me and that he is simply too tired too bother even days off and holidays this would still be the case. I am going to keep trying for as long as I can bare it for the sake of sticking to my wedding vows and 
Hopefully me hanging in there will pay off. We argued last night even after he said he would try and he tried to make this forum seem like a stupid idea because he didn't like the advice I was getting basically. He knows and I know that him having an affair is impossible and also that he can't be watching porn etc because he is too open in terms of while he is awake he is watching car programmes etc and then he goes to bed so he Deffo isn't doing anything untoward. It seems to me that my best bet is that he has low testosterone which he has now asked me to book an appointment for at doctors so at least he has said he will do that.....my reply when he asked me to get him an appointment might have been a bit unfair as I told him to do it himself 😳. During the midst of our argument last night he told me "I don't like you, I can't stand you, I despise your moaning, I hate you , I hate everything about your personality and want away from you because I'm fed up of everything being about sex" , so I was told to go f*** myself and I then spent a good while crying my heart out once again. I won't for one second pretend I'm any angel because I'm not.....I do moan about things such as everyday troubles like who is walking the dog or who is putting the bins out so just wanted to point out that I'm not perfect and can moan. I hope we work out after so many years I really do xxx


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I'm sorry this is so difficult. 

From decades of dealing with this all I can understand is that sex is completely different to LD and HD people. 

To HD people sex is a natural part of love, affection, intimacy - Its the most normal thing in the world to be sitting on the sofa, start kissing and have that progress to sex - maybe still on the sofa. Its as natural as a kiss and done with as little forethought. A request of "I'm horny, could you give me some quick oral" is a normal as "My neck is stiff, could you rub it". 

To LD people sex seems to be a think you have to plan for and put effort into doing. It is something that takes great effort and is miserable and demeaning if not done under the right romantic conditions. A request for a quick sexual favor is seen as abusive pressure, "you want me to do what.....".


I sincerely hope this works for you. He has to get into the mindset that sex is a fun thing you can do together, or at least a gift to you that he enjoys giving because it makes you happy. If he sees it as a chore he *has* to do, it will be miserable.


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## Nattypops (Jul 9, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> I'm sorry this is so difficult.
> 
> From decades of dealing with this all I can understand is that sex is completely different to LD and HD people.
> ...


Thanks for advice, everything you have said is spot on, I agree with it 100% and couldn't have described it better myself. Everything you sais about natural progression whilst kissing etc is what I am desperate for however husband would never dream of sofa sex anymore despite the fact we did that once upon a time. I despise planned sex because it isn't passionate in anyway and passion is important to most. I've changed enough so now its time he does x
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Nattypops said:


> Thanks for advice, everything you have said is spot on, I agree with it 100% and couldn't have described it better myself. Everything you sais about natural progression whilst kissing etc is what I am desperate for however husband would never dream of sofa sex anymore despite the fact we did that once upon a time. I despise planned sex because it isn't passionate in anyway and passion is important to most. I've changed enough so now its time he does x
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Natty--planned sex can be passionate, as long as both parties are looking forward to it.

Think about when you were dating. It may have been a forgone conclusion that you were going to have sex on date night. That didn't make it any less fun, did it?


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## Nattypops (Jul 9, 2015)

Fozzy said:


> Natty--planned sex can be passionate, as long as both parties are looking forward to it.
> 
> Think about when you were dating. It may have been a forgone conclusion that you were going to have sex on date night. That didn't make it any less fun, did it?


Planned sex used to be passionate and I would really enjoy it however as you said ... Both parties need to be looking forward to it when I am only one that does which is a mood killer for me cxx


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Hi Nattypops sorry for your problem. It definitely sounds like he has issues but he's so closed its hard to know what they are. It may require you to do some investigating and maybe learn some new tricks to take care of urself physically and emotionally. You should not be feeling guilty about what you are going through. You are a young mother who is only trying to do the best you can. Good luck


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## Conceal.Dont.Feel (Apr 20, 2015)

Read through most of the post. Am the HD man in a HD/LD mismatch for 30 years. About to post a new thread of my own.
What I didn't see asked is: have you addressed with him if he is LD for sex or LD for YOU? Does he masturbate? How often? What does he fantasize about? Find out what he would like you to do to be more desirable. You mentioned things that you are doing to be more desirable...but that is your opinion of what YOU think he would find desirable. What does he want from you?


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

Something is up with him. To go from a good sex life to this...he is hiding something! No doubt.

You mentioned that he leaves his phone lying around so that means he is not hiding anything. Don't be so sure of that. 

My husband never hid or locked his phone either. After some suspicion, I decided to look at it one day. He hid his extracurricular activities in plain sight...for 12 years and it worked. Or maybe he was just stupid.

I say snoop. ASAP.

Sorry you are here.


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