# When you both want kids and you can't have them



## jrock1180

My wife and i have been dealing with this for 7 years now. I feel deep down inside it is the only thing that is keeping us from having a wonderful marriage. We both want kids. The only issue is that she can't have them and may never be able to have them. I on the other hand can have as many as i want. Due to the economy we dont have the means to try in vitro or adoption. I am not sure what others think but i kind of get the feeling deep down inside that this is why we fight all the time. I seem to feel like deep down inside her feelings are a bit towards the resentment or jealousy side because i have that ability to have kids and she doesnt. she is my soul and the love of my life. I just dont know what to do anymore. Anyone have any suggestions, ideas, or solutions on how to cope with something like this?


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## accept

If you fight all the time why stay?


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## YinPrincess

Maybe it's time to let go of that goal. If it's not going to happen, what are your options? Well, one you didn't mention was fostering... Have you guys thought about taking in a foster child indefinitely?

I'm so very sorry for your situation... But it does make me for more grateful for the little baby I'm growing right now... My aunt was never able to have children, either, so I know that pain is great for you.

Wishing you the best. Love, don't fight! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## deejov

My H had leukemia treatments as a kid. He's not sterile.. but a high number of deformed sperm. I have a chronic condition that makes it difficult to carry a baby to term. It's a heart wrenching thing for my H, to never be able to have his own kids. 
I don't think it ever goes away. It does get "less intense" with time.
You can only reassure your wife that you want to be with her, no matter the outcome. Counselling might help both of you. It's about accepting the way things are, they cannot be changed, and learning to focus on what you DO have in life instead of what you can't have. 

Being a foster parent can be soooo rewarding.


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## Mavash.

I have more friends that can't have kids than those who can. ALL have adopted or fostered babies/kids. I believe where there is a will there is a way.


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## GreenEyes

What sucks is that this is through no fault of hers that she can't have kids.....and I just don't like the sentence where he says I can have as many as I want....Idk maybe it's just the way he put it, but it sounds like he is blaming her for the problem when, in reality, it's not her fault, or his, it's just nature....


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## LovesHerMan

This is indeed heart wrenching. My sister-in law cannot have children either. They have become very involved in my children's lives and that of their other nieces and nephews.

Other solutions are to borrow money from family for medical procedures, take in foster children, or simply realize that this dream will not come true. Some people channel this desire into their pets.


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## DTO

deejov said:


> Being a foster parent can be soooo rewarding.


Or, why not just flat-out adopt? Fostering has less responsibility (i.e. it does not have to be permanent, you get gov't aid) but you have a government agency worker in your business (since the child is still a ward of the state).

I guess the challenge might be to separate the biological from the emotional.

ETA: Counseling is a must, regardless of how the family life works out. She is resentful of his ability to have children naturally and/or she is resentful of his _inability_ to pay for technological assistance (i.e. "well I _might_ be able to have a baby if he would foot the bill").

I think this second possibility is very real and perhaps more damaging than the first because it places long-term blame on him. IOW, if she accepted that her infertility was his fault she would have to get over it. If she became convinced that he denied her a reasonable opportunity then suddenly he's the bad guy and she can avoid responsibility for her physical issues.


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## DTO

GreenEyes said:


> What sucks is that this is through no fault of hers that she can't have kids.....and I just don't like the sentence where he says I can have as many as I want....Idk maybe it's just the way he put it, but it sounds like he is blaming her for the problem when, in reality, it's not her fault, or his, it's just nature....


Me thinks it is just the opposite. He is not blaming her. He is perceiving that she is resentful of his reproductive health or possibly in denial of her own inability to bear children (I actually knew a couple that had this latter dynamic).


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## Mom_In-Love

GreenEyes said:


> ...and I just don't like the sentence where he says I can have as many as I want...


OP, it is very repugnant for you to say "I can have as many as I want"... wtf? No, you cant. You are just fertile. And the attitude that you have about being able to have kids makes me think that you might also portrait this kind of attitude to your wife - which will only make her feel worse about being infertile.

Anyways, I suggest you guys go to counseling and make a decision about how you guys will cope with the infertility and find a solution to becoming parents in a different way.

Good luck!


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## FirstYearDown

Most people don't realize how expensive and grueling the adoption process is. I hate when people say "you can adopt" as if it is buying a kitten. 

You can only adopt if you have thousands of dollars for legal fees, near perfect health and a very nice home. The homestudy is very rigorous and I have seen decent couples get rejected for minimal reasons.


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## jrock1180

hello everyone i am so very sorry for replying so late. i had drowned myself in work to try and forget all of my marital issues. during that time i had forgotten about this site and only recently been getting emails from the site. To reply to some of the comments..... I don't blame my wife for anything. I am much older than she is and i am not getting any younger. I understand that she has a medical condition. I dont portray any type of attitude towards her other than love and commitment and understanding. Fostering is out of the question for both her and i as we don not want to get attached to a child only for them to be pulled away from us. We have considered adoption but as one person commented, i dont have thousands of dollars to spend on adoption nor do i have any family members who would be willing to donate to the cause. In fact some of our family members have given us quite a few negative comments about not being able to have kids which have forced us to stop going to birthdays involving children within our family. This dilemma we have in our marriage has made birthdays and holidays very hard for us. it has also put a serious strain on our marriage. It has made my wife very un-affectionate and detached from any real relationship. I appreciate all of the positive comments given, but in the future please keep any and all negativity comments to yourself.


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## EnjoliWoman

Have you considered a personal surrogate? As in a family member?

It IS a shame that adoption is so difficult. I was adopted by a wonderful family.


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## jrock1180

although i havent told my wife anything like that i have thought about that after watching some of the reality shows that she watches. the big problem with that is she wants to go through the whole experience of giving birth.


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## ne9907

Jrock 
I suggest you and your wife attend counseling FAST!!!!

I am unable to have children either, my husband has one from before our marriage. I never knew about this child (he is now 15) until two years ago.
My husband and I have been married for 14 years. 
Knowing that he had a child made me extremely happy, watching the joy in his eyes when he finally met that child made me bittersweet.

One of the reasons we separated and are divorcing is because I am unable to have children. My husband wants children. We went to counseling once but he didn't like it so we stopped going.
I feel worthless as a woman for not giving him a child.
I feel that one of the reasons he didn't fight to keep our marriage
going was because he also wants children and knows he cant have
them with me.
Does this make him selfish?
No, he just knows what he wants and our love ended.
It is very sad, but it is the truth.

Please go to counseling.


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## jrock1180

Sorry once again i had gotten too involved with working and had forgotten all about this site. I cant believe it's been 3 years. I agree with alot of the comments you have. I fight for my marriage everyday and still do. We are still unable to have any kids. my wife has refused counseling and has stated that if we cant fix it then counseling wont. It has become increasingly hard on me.


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## Satya

I would strongly suggest you and your wife find the funds to go to joint therapy. 

This is a very big deal that could ruin an otherwise good marriage with resentment.


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## As'laDain

don't even worry about kids until you get your house in order. 


my wife and I stopped counting miscarriages at fifteen. that was several years ago. that was only a small part of our marital stress. it was not enough to ruin a good relationship. when our relationship sucked, it just sucked. it wasn't because of fertility issues. 

now, that said, I'm assuming yall haven't looked at the option of adopting out of the foster system? 
if you decide to go that route, it will not cost you tens of thousands of dollars...


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## Satya

As'laDain said:


> my wife and I stopped counting miscarriages at fifteen. that was several years ago. that was only a small part of our marital stress. it was not enough to ruin a good relationship. when our relationship sucked, it just sucked. it wasn't because of fertility issues.


 @As'laDain, wow, I am very sorry for you and your wife. It's good to know that what happened did not affect your relationship in a negative way. For many couples, it does... At least in my experience. There can be a gradual buildup of resentment.


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## farsidejunky

ne9907 said:


> Jrock
> I suggest you and your wife attend counseling FAST!!!!
> 
> I am unable to have children either, my husband has one from before our marriage. I never knew about this child (he is now 15) until two years ago.
> My husband and I have been married for 14 years.
> Knowing that he had a child made me extremely happy, watching the joy in his eyes when he finally met that child made me bittersweet.
> 
> One of the reasons we separated and are divorcing is because I am unable to have children. My husband wants children. We went to counseling once but he didn't like it so we stopped going.
> I feel worthless as a woman for not giving him a child.
> I feel that one of the reasons he didn't fight to keep our marriage
> going was because he also wants children and knows he cant have
> them with me.
> Does this make him selfish?
> No, he just knows what he wants and our love ended.
> It is very sad, but it is the truth.
> 
> Please go to counseling.


I will never understand a situation like this. There are so many children that need adopting. What leads a person to say it must be of your own body or I am leaving you?

Sorry, NE.


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## As'laDain

Satya said:


> @As'laDain, wow, I am very sorry for you and your wife. It's good to know that what happened did not affect your relationship in a negative way. For many couples, it does... At least in my experience. There can be a gradual buildup of resentment.


well, it certainly affected us... but, it was just one of the many factors that influenced our relationship. my wife struggled, and still does struggle, with feeling like a failure as a woman because she cant seem to carry to term anymore. if she dwells on those thoughts too much, she starts to see resentment where there really is none. I have never felt bad about it personally, except for seeing the pain it causes her. 

my wife and I are planning on adopting out of the foster system, but we are currently working on integrating another family into our home until they can get back on their feet. that will likely take several years. so far, they are doing great, but it will take a little time to get things settled. in the mean time, we are still going ahead with the adoption process, but we wont be looking to place anyone in our home until we have the dynamics between our two families hashed out. 

from what I see, its usually the individuals who ruin their own relationships due to stresses like fertility issues. for instance, my wife treating me coldly when she thinks that i resent her when i really don't. or someone fooling themselves into believing that its the woman's fault, continuing to tell themselves that to justify their bad feelings about the subject. 

my wife and i have had all kinds of stressors in our marriage. multiple deployments, pregnancy in the first year, sexless first few years, infidelity, crazy In-Law issues, financial problems, financial infidelity, etc. the ONLY ones that really impacted our relationship were the ones that were chosen as an action. infidelity, lying about money, etc. 

so, if i chose to resent my wife for not being able to have more children, it would be my choice to blame her that would be the reason our relationship suffered.

is it really the fertility issues that cause the strife in the relationship? from where i stand, its not. that's just the excuse used to manifest an internal problem into an external one.


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## rockon

I am also in the camp that wanted children but can't. I was married in my mid 20's, we were trying for children but nothing. Found out I was the problem, not low sperm count, but zero count. I was born that way. Despite suggesting adoption, invetro, she bolted. Gee, thanks. 

Try dating in your 20's to early 30's and tell a woman you can not father children, some times they leave skid marks going out the door. 

I understand wanting children but can't. It sucks.


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## ne9907

farsidejunky said:


> I will never understand a situation like this. There are so many children that need adopting. What leads a person to say it must be of your own body or I am leaving you?
> 
> Sorry, NE.


wow.... this post was over three years ago!
@farsidejunky thank you for resurrecting this..... I have done a lot of heaving since then, and yet I have a lot of healing left to do. 

I am divorced now. I was brainwashed back then. Turns out, ex was a very deceitful individual. I thank the Gods who guided me out of the marriage. I needed to read this today. THank you!


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