# How long were you with your spouse before they started affair/cheating?



## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

I was curious if there is a correlation between the amount of total time(years) you were together with your spouse before they started affair/cheating. The answer is probably different for serial cheaters as opposed to a single affair. It seems like I keep seeing numbers in the 10 to 15 year area. What do you think?

In my first marriage we were married for 2 years (dated for 7) when she had an affair and I divorced her. No children. 

In my current marriage, we have been married for 12 years (dated for 1 1/2) when my STBXWW started her affair.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

17 years.
Devastating!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

At the risk of sounding like the worlds most naive women and a glutton for punishment-

1st marriage ( I married a male stripper, I know I know) I found out on year 8, but he confessed to cheating from year 1 during business travels) Ray Charles could have seen that coming. 


2nd marriage-
7 years when I found a adult friend finder ad (which I hacked into and he had no action).....counseling resulted...

12 year mark for his online only EA- It really sucks.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

At the time we were on 12 yrs. We are almost at 14 yrs now.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

1st and only marriage, almost 30 years...


~sammy


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## life.is.pain (Aug 28, 2012)

14 yrs till she focked up and now those years mean nothing
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

23 years together and almost 18 years of marriage.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Only marriage, 27 years, together 35


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

We were married 29 years. I have read about many affairs on TAM that seem to start with women in there mid 40's to early 50's. Mid life crisis?


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## confused55 (Apr 30, 2011)

lst marriage for both of us - 29 years married until.....


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## confused55 (Apr 30, 2011)

I should add that there could have been incidents before the 29 years, but I don't know about them and probably never will.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

mahike said:


> We were married 29 years. I have read about many affairs on TAM that seem to start with women in there mid 40's to early 50's. Mid life crisis?


Good point Mahike. :scratchhead: 

That should have been part of the original question.

*At what age was your spouse when this happened?*

My STBXWW was 38 (MLC). My Ex was 27 (who knows why).


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

mahike said:


> We were married 29 years. I have read about many affairs on TAM that seem to start with women in there mid 40's to early 50's. Mid life crisis?


I think so! Before my H's EA, (he is 46) he started showing CLASSIC signs of MLC. I even teased him about it when he started wanting to buy some new expensive toys. Heck, I even teased him a few times by saying , "Geez, what next - girlfriend?" 

I guess the answer was yes.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

1st marriage ( I married a male stripper, I know I know) I found out on year 8, but he confessed to cheating from year 1 during business travels) Ray Charles could have seen that coming. 

I'm sorry. That made me laugh!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

On year 3 of marriage....

ETA Ages
I was 27 at the time, STBXH was 32.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

8 years altogether.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Decimated said:


> Good point Mahike. :scratchhead:
> 
> That should have been part of the original question.
> 
> ...


There are some infidelity books that suggested that a women goes through her mid life crisis in mid 30s to early 40s and that is their most likely time to cheat. 

A man's most likely time is mid 50s. 

The latest studies show that cheating for woman of all ages is rising rapidly and drastically.


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## Exsquid (Jul 31, 2012)

8 years (4 married) Crushed!


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

A hair shy of 20 years married, 23 years together. I'm 49 and so is the STBXW (oops, I forgot, she is NOW my XW !!)

But, I now have suspicions that there was at least one more before.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

Sara8 said:


> There are some infidelity books that suggested that a women goes through her mid life crisis in mid 30s to early 40s and that is their most likely time to cheat.
> 
> A man's most likely time is mid 50s.
> 
> The latest studies show that cheating for woman of all ages is rising rapidly and drastically.


I agree Sara. 

One of the books I read was A Women's infidelity by Michelle Langley. That is what she says. I thought her book was pretty good at describing what happens to women in affairs. She seemed to describe my STBXW very well. It helped me to understand it a little better.

I do believe women cheating has risen drastically. I personally know at least 10 men through work alone who have been cheated on by their wives. All but one ended in divorce. Conversely, I only know one husband who cheated on his wife. I do work in a male dominated industry. The ratio is about 40/1. The latest studies are pretty grim for men and marriage. I feel some of it has to do with the no-fault divorce system. There is little to no consequences for women to cheat.

I doubt I will ever walk the isle again.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Decimated said:


> I feel some of it has to do with the no-fault divorce system. There is little to no consequences for cheating.
> 
> I doubt I will ever walk the isle again.


Decimated:

I agree. Despite the fact that a cheater can bring home a fatal or incurable STD, even if they wear a condom, and most don't, should be grounds alone for criminal charges. 

Also, the theft of marital assets spent on the affair partner should also be a crime. 

Cheating is treated too lightly by the courts. If there were consequences, only people who really intended to honor their marriage vows would enter the marital contract. 

Everyone else could and should stay single and play the field.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

I agree, too. I also think emotional, verbal and physical abuse in marriage should be compensated in divorce. I had years of it with a narcissist and have to rebuild a shattered life, yet normal rules apply.
This guy (we like each other a lot) was talking to me yesterday and I started to shake, had to walk away. Sure it is to do with my stbxh's abuse, and if it ruins this for me, how is that fair? I can never have a relationship again because he's f****d me over in so many ways? Grrrrr. Anyone else had this? Is it just plain nerves, or an hysterical reaction to a good looking guy paying you some attention or properly due to narcisstic abuse?
To answer the question, he cheated before we were married how many times not sure, certain of once (together 6 and a half years before we married) and again no idea how often during 5 and a half years of marriage. He eventually left and moved in with OW, but he is personality disordered so probably makes a difference.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Married 20 years when I discovered her EA. I had suspicions of a PA after 2 years of marriage and after 1st child. Never could prove it. I also had a nagging feeling that something was wrong before the EA came out. Could have been PA but I'll never know. She says not.

Anyway that was 20 years ago. Last July was 40th anniversary.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

25 years into marriage, my wife started cheating.


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## emptyinside882 (Jul 7, 2012)

Decimated said:


> I was curious if there is a correlation between the amount of total time(years) you were together with your spouse before they started affair/cheating. The answer is probably different for serial cheaters as opposed to a single affair. It seems like I keep seeing numbers in the 10 to 15 year area. What do you think?
> 
> In my first marriage we were married for 2 years (dated for 7) when she had an affair and I divorced her. No children.
> 
> In my current marriage, we have been married for 12 years (dated for 1 1/2) when my STBXWW started her affair.


My stats somewhat similiar to yours.

1st marriage wife cheated about 1 yr in, she was 20 yrs old at the time.

2nd marriage and the STBXW first cheated at 2 yrs in, she was 24 at the time. The last affair we were 8 years in and she was 31 (I finally learned).


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## emptyinside882 (Jul 7, 2012)

Bentley'sMom said:


> I agree, too. I also think emotional, verbal and physical abuse in marriage should be compensated in divorce. I had years of it with a narcissist and have to rebuild a shattered life, yet normal rules apply.
> This guy (we like each other a lot) was talking to me yesterday and I started to shake, had to walk away. Sure it is to do with my stbxh's abuse, and if it ruins this for me, how is that fair? I can never have a relationship again because he's f****d me over in so many ways? Grrrrr. Anyone else had this? Is it just plain nerves, or an hysterical reaction to a good looking guy paying you some attention or properly due to narcisstic abuse?
> To answer the question, he cheated before we were married how many times not sure, certain of once (together 6 and a half years before we married) and again no idea how often during 5 and a half years of marriage. He eventually left and moved in with OW, but he is personality disordered so probably makes a difference.


I am not sure if I can give you great advice as I too am going through similiar feelings/issues. I completely agree that infedility should be factor in a divorce as to what the WS is 'smacked down' with by the court system (but unfortunately we do not live in that kind of world) I think you are going through something completely normal. I, like yourself, just need to focus on ourselves (in my case, my children too), exercise, create new/positive habits and create healthy new friendships.

I, however, am currently deployed so its a challenge to create new habits or try something new when I am very limited but I try to get it done.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

I was cheated on during my first marriage, together 20, married 15 but did not find out about it until we were divorced for at least a year. I have no idea of the details.

Devastating Infidelity: Second marriage. He was 37 at the time. Together 12 years, married seven.


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## LittleMiss13 (Mar 7, 2012)

A total of 30 years (7 years of going together and then 23 years of marriage). I will say that I was totally blindsided - never in a million years did I think he would ever cheat on me. As I have posted before, I no longer celebrate my wedding anniversaries nor do I wear my wedding rings. They are just painful reminders of his broken promises and vows.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Dated 1-1/2 years**(2002-2004); **Married for 8 **years*[/U*](May 8, 2004-Present)~ **Together 9-1/3 years(Start of Relationship)February, 2002- (Separation)May, 2011.*

*First "Confirmed" Evidence of STBXW's Adultery- March 10, 2010*

*Amount of Time to Commit Adultery from Wedding Date: 6 Years, 10 Months, 2 Days~ that we actually have any withstanding first-hand knowledge of! *


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

We were together 11 years, 10 married when she cheated.


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

We were together 7 years (living together); married, 6 months.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I was with Regret for 8 years and married 7 before she jumped off the Dig wagon and shoulda turned left at Albuquerque.


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## momma2four (Aug 9, 2012)

11 years together (8 years married). Had ONS with ex-GF before we got married, while I was pregnant with first child. Had 4 year affair after we were married for 3 years. Had several other affairs after 4 yr. affair. Just found out last year Sept. 22nd. He is 46 and I am 40.

Filed for divorce yesterday!!!


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Officially, omitting the guy she kissed while drunk, we've been married for three years and seven in total.


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## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

Married for a little over eight years when she started her EA with a blast from her past, nine years when it turned physical. Like others said earlier, I will likely never marry again after going through that mess for over a year. I will never again get with someone who regards me as more of an account number and human ATM than a guy she's actually hot for....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Confusing story here...

Been together 11 years, married 9. I'm 42 H's 49.

Found out about EA's last year.... but found out he'd been talking to his ex hs gf our whole 11 years together... which he cheated with her on his previous wife that I didn't know about till all this came out.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

We were together for 9 years, married for 5. He was 43 when he started the affair with a twice divorced gold digger who was 49 at the time. Our only child was not even 1 year old when his affair started.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

In truth? Day one. As I was her affair partner. 

However, we had been together about five years married (we married after her husband finally succumbed to his long term health problems) before her affair with her OM started.


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## Petyot (Aug 31, 2012)

We were together 13 years under the same roof. Married 1 year (didn't make it to our first anniversary...).

Me 47, her 41.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

1st marriage for both of us. 15 years married when the A happened. 18 years together at that time. Her age at time of affair, 40. 

Seems to be right in the perfect strike zone. 

Our 17th is in two weeks, and we are in a very bad place right now. Some time I'll start a thread about why.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

Simon Phoenix said:


> Married for a little over eight years when she started her EA with a blast from her past, nine years when it turned physical. Like others said earlier, I will likely never marry again after going through that mess for over a year. I will never again get with someone who regards me as more of an account number and human ATM than a guy she's actually hot for....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's what mine made me feel like as well...completely used!


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

Married 12 years for H EA that went PA.
Separated 15 months then back together
Back together 10 years, recently discovered online/text EAs.
The remainder of our marriage better be all type of affair free!


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

underwater2010 said:


> At the time we were on 12 yrs. We are almost at 14 yrs now.


A little past 14 yrs and year a little less than 2 years ago I discovered the 2 yr long affair. That puts us at 10 yr mark.


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## BrokenHeartedBelle (Feb 14, 2012)

I'm not really sure. There have been a few instances over the years that made me wonder, but I always believed he would _never do that me!!!_ ...We had been married for 11 years and together for 15 years when he started the affair I know about with my friend.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Been together coming up on 6. Married for coming up on 4. 

And affair started a little over 3 years into marriage. So our 5th year together.


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## Monroe (Jun 21, 2012)

I hate math. ;-) 

First marriage .... 8 years but we were preparing to separate because of other issues (he was a functioning alcoholic... I was a *****). I found out about his affair as I was packing boxes to move out... his girlfriend called me to give me the 411. Actually, he broke it off with her and that is what prompted her call. To be honest, I didn't really care what he had done. I had checked out of the marriage already. He was 34, I was 30. 

Second marriage.... married 7 years. He was 47, I was 43.


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## Lmodel (Jun 1, 2012)

We were married 17 years when my wife confessed to a year long PA, it devastated me. We are still together and trying to work it out but I said to my wife the other day, if I had a crystal ball 17 years years ago and I could foresee how much you would hurt me I would never have married you. All the good years and all the special times seem to mean nothing after an affair is exposed.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

7 yrs.
Then all hell broke loose!
For 13 yrs and 20 OM!
The last 3 have been nothing like the old marriage we once had.


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## artlady (Jul 17, 2011)

Almost nineteen years, and the affair was with his first girlfriend, whom he'd been in communication with off and on for fifteen years (a complete secret to me until he had a midlife crisis, left, and I had to go snooping). He was 41 at the time.

The only good thing about it is that he got to know what a complete nutso she really is, and we can spend the rest of our marriage without her in it.


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## missmolly (Jun 10, 2012)

So is anyone doing the math??
Mine will skew it - 32 yrs married. He was 64.
WTF??


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## BettyBoop (Apr 2, 2012)

We have been married for 37yrs
He had an PA for 4yrs....ouch!
when A started he was 55 I was 54
In R for 6 months and very difficult at times. Like right this minute... : (


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Julie and I were together for ten wonderful years before she cheated.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My ex h started cheating pre-marriage. It continued through out our marriage and now with his current wife. She puts up with it, I didn't after a while. I finally got my head out of the clouds and left.

My husband now is very faithful.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

We've been together 20 years, married 17. I found out a year ago about his ONS. He cheated when we had been married 8 years. He cheated on his 30th birthday weekend on a business trip. Came home to balloons, a banner and excited little kids. I hope he felt like crap. (Yes, his birthdays are now triggers.)


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## butternutsquash (Jun 1, 2012)

9 years


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## Hamster2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Married 12 years, ironically, our 12th wedding anniversary would have been this coming September 30th.

The first 10 years were wonderful, then I messed up, then she messed up.

She is moving out in 2 weeks, got herself a small apartment, not too far from here for the sake of the little one.

It does not take much to blow away everything that has been built up in 12 years. How ironic that suddenly, all the good times we shared together suddenly becomes meaningless in the shadow of the ultimate betrayal.


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## Daisy82 (Sep 4, 2012)

STBXH is a serial cheater. So let's see, maybe six months while we were dating before he cheated on me. :scratchhead: Not sure how many others. Yes I know, I should have left then. But I loved him and thought he could change and he did, for a while. After we were married, 5 days before our 3rd wedding anniversary I found out about his affair. 

So many anniversary dates to remember: Sept. 25 Wedding anniversary, Sept. 20 Anniversary of the day I found out about his affair. This year is different though, we are separated and filing divorce. I actually have an appointment with my attorney on Tuesday Sept. 18 to review the paperwork before I file.

I'm 30, he just turned 31. We started dating at 19 and we've known each other since we were 13. Got married at 22, first child at 24, affair at 25. Although like I said, there have been other ONS over the years.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Mine were EAs, ages 35 and 36. His was an EA at age 30. We are now 31 (him) and 37 (me). We have been married 12 years.

ETA: Neither was a MLC.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Stbxh was cheating through our whole marriage, before day one; I just didn't know it. We were together for 7+ years, married 1+, when I found out. I wonder now if he'd ever been faithful.


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## RJB (Sep 16, 2012)

Just after our 5 year wedding anniversary. My future XW turned 30, and while that isn't the typical Mid-life crisis, it was a crisis for her. I found out about it very early, and have spent the last 3-4 months trying to fix it, but that's just not working. Now I'm just preparing myself to give her the boot.


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## tonyarz (Sep 15, 2012)

I was married to my second wife about 1 yr when she was traveling and ran into an old friend of ours. They ended up having sex. He is married also. She told me all of the details and I asked her to not tell him I know. We are married 12 years now. It is kind of odd when I run into him at class reunions and stuff. I am pretty over it now.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

tonyarz said:


> I was married to my second wife about 1 yr when she was traveling and ran into an old friend of ours. They ended up having sex. He is married also. She told me all of the details and I asked her to not tell him I know. We are married 12 years now. It is kind of odd when I run into him at class reunions and stuff. I am pretty over it now.


Just curious. If you're over it, why are you on this forum? It was 11 years ago. That just shows me you never really get over it.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Hamster2 said:


> It does not take much to blow away everything that has been built up in 12 years. How ironic that suddenly, all the good times we shared together suddenly becomes meaningless in the shadow of the ultimate betrayal.


This is sadly so true. Now that I know about my WS's ONS our 17 years together seem pretty wasted.


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## tonyarz (Sep 15, 2012)

I am here because I have had 2 wives cheat on me. Not because I am in pain. I feel I could help others. I am in total love with my wife and harbor no ill feelings with her about her affair.



hurtingbadly said:


> Just curious. If you're over it, why are you on this forum? It was 11 years ago. That just shows me you never really get over it.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Dated for 5.

Married for 12.

17 years together in all.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

25 years married.
Got to 47 and she had had enough. 
MLC.. yep.

I was destroyed and rebuilt thanks largely to TAM


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## Kanga (Sep 5, 2012)

Married 20 yrs, dating for 2 yrs before that. WH told me in June about a short term PA while he was traveling for business, which turned into an EA. In July he told be that he had been with prostitutes 10-12 times over the last 15 years. NC with OW for 5 weeks tomorrow, as far as I know. He will be 42 next week.

Trying to R, I feel like cr*p :-(


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Decimated said:


> That's what mine made me feel like as well...completely used!


I feel completely used, too. I always put up 50/50 in expense for our businesses, took no salary either, plowed it all back into growing the business. 

When times were rough I took available jobs that were the only ones in my area but beneath my education and skill level, while he kept businesses afloat. 
I had jobs where I had to punch a time clock and he knew where I was. 

Meanwhile, he had the freedom to cheat as he was working in our businesses. 

I now feel so used. 

The OW is married to a very wealthy man who spoils her rotten, he's her own age. She has never ever worked. 

He funds spa trips and GNOs for her to keep her happy. She hired a detective to prove he doesn't cheat, yet she does. 

She is not even that attractive. By all accounts even though she is youngish. 

My husband too was spoiling her with our assets. 

She was sexually peverted, sending videos of herself going at it with various fruits and vegetables, perhaps that was the draw, although she claimed she never had sex with her own husband because he disgusted her. 

I feel like a bonehead to say the least. 

I was always the saver he was the unrealistic spender. 

He used this against me too claiming I wouldn't let him buy exotic cars ( we already have three nice upscale cars) and I was always pulling in the reigns on his spending. 

He buys designer shoes. I never spent more than 20 bucks on nice shoes I found on sale. 

I am not getting married again.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Sara8 said:


> I feel completely used, too. I always put up 50/50 in expense for our businesses, took no salary either, plowed it all back into growing the business.
> 
> When times were rough I took available jobs that were the only ones in my area but beneath my education and skill level, while he kept businesses afloat.
> I had jobs where I had to punch a time clock and he knew where I was.
> ...


So sorry to hear that Sara 

Your husband sounds like a real piece of work. I can't fathom how he felt comfortable with his wife breaking her back while he splurged all that hard work on a POS. There's something innately callous about that, it's beyond selfishness. My ex made very selfish demands throughout our relationship as well. I made it a concious effort to never take a penny from her even though her family was incredibly wealthy. I tried to teach her the value of money, show her how lucky she was in life but that all went out the window. It didn't stop her wanting Hermes bags or other pointless nonsense. Her mother got into her head that I was tight with money and she'd be better suited with someone like her father. I can't say I disagree with the last point. Nevertheless, on the "bright" side, your husband lost a good woman and the OW will probably end up destitute if her husband hires a good lawyer. You're free from that parasite now.

Chin up Sara.


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

She started cheating 2 months after marriage . Oh and 4 months prior to the marriage, oh and while engaged....but of course I didn't get the choice if I wanted to stay in the relationship prior to the marriage as I didn't find any of this out until after we were married. 

Do I win the door prize?


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

StagesOfGrief said:


> She started cheating 2 months after marriage . Oh and 4 months prior to the marriage, oh and while engaged....but of course I didn't get the choice if I wanted to stay in the relationship prior to the marriage as I didn't find any of this out until after we were married.
> 
> Do I win the door prize?


Ha ha. No I think I win! The weekend before we got married!
I also think I win the 'I married the ultimate moron' prize, can we start a poll? Bet I come near the top, for he is indeed a prize class A b*stard!


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

Bentley'sMom said:


> Ha ha. No I think I win! The weekend before we got married!
> I also think I win the 'I married the ultimate moron' prize, can we start a poll? Bet I come near the top, for he is indeed a prize class A b*stard!


Oh brutal, I thought my STBXW was cold blooded, but that might just take the cake. Did he cheat after marriage too? 

Well here's to class A b*stards. Oh well. Live and learn , thats my strategy at least haha.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

StagesOfGrief said:


> Oh brutal, I thought my STBXW was cold blooded, but that might just take the cake. Did he cheat after marriage too?
> 
> Well here's to class A b*stards. Oh well. Live and learn , thats my strategy at least haha.


Hell yeah he cheated after marriage. Even moved in with someone else whilst not even telling me, and talking about a future reconciliation, and still denies after I busted it all. Now he is being difficult and hostile in the divorce, after everything he has done! It all came out after the split, as I had no idea, was a trusting fool. Oh, by the way he has Narcisstic Personality Disorder, which means I had 12 years of lies, manipulation and cheating. I'm a special case. Lucky me!

Still, he's done me a favor really, I'm still young, skinny once again, fairly wealthy and an English woman in New York. I already have a 27 year old good looking guy after me! Sod the moron, he can rot with his ugly OW.


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

Bentley'sMom said:


> Hell yeah he cheated after marriage. Even moved in with someone else whilst not even telling me, and talking about a future reconciliation, and still denies after I busted it all. Now he is being difficult and hostile in the divorce, after everything he has done! It all came out after the split, as I had no idea, was a trusting fool. Oh, by the way he has Narcisstic Personality Disorder, which means I had 12 years of lies, manipulation and cheating. I'm a special case. Lucky me!
> 
> Still, he's done me a favor really, I'm still young, skinny once again, fairly wealthy and an English woman in New York. I already have a 27 year old good looking guy after me! Sod the moron, he can rot with his ugly OW.



Wow, NPD. I know that one, It's freaking lovely isnt it? Well hopefully the divorce process in NY wont be too long for you and at least it happened early on in marriage that you get a fresh start! With the combination you stated above I'm sure you'll have your choice of suitors!


I've filled out the paperwork but haven't filed yet, while my STBXW isnt who i thought she was i'm still grieving the loss of the relationship I thought I had, but I will file soon.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

StagesOfGrief said:


> Wow, NPD. I know that one, It's freaking lovely isnt it? Well hopefully the divorce process in NY wont be too long for you and at least it happened early on in marriage that you get a fresh start! With the combination you stated above I'm sure you'll have your choice of suitors!
> 
> 
> I've filled out the paperwork but haven't filed yet, while my STBXW isnt who i thought she was i'm still grieving the loss of the relationship I thought I had, but I will file soon.


Oh boy, sorry, you have an NPD, too. Join the select special club. Hijacking the thread here, but knowing what they are helps immensely, it's not your fault and never was. It gets easier trust me, I hardly think of him now, just with a sense of annoyance and unease that he was so abusive and I put up with it.


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

Bentley'sMom said:


> Oh boy, sorry, you have an NPD, too. Join the select special club. Hijacking the thread here, but knowing what they are helps immensely, it's not your fault and never was. It gets easier trust me, I hardly think of him now, just with a sense of annoyance and unease that he was so abusive and I put up with it.


It is a special club of all special clubs! Oh I know it will get easier, I appreciate your words, I'm just letting myself go through the full flow of emotions and when I hit acceptance I'll file and move forward. I'm getting close ! At least you woke up and are moving on as well, while you put up with it for awhile you were able to walk away and realize you deserve better, and thats what you should really hang your hat on that!


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Complexity said:


> So sorry to hear that Sara
> 
> Your husband sounds like a real piece of work. I can't fathom how he felt comfortable with his wife breaking her back while he splurged all that hard work on a POS. There's something innately callous about that, it's beyond selfishness. My ex made very selfish demands throughout our relationship as well. I made it a concious effort to never take a penny from her even though her family was incredibly wealthy. I tried to teach her the value of money, show her how lucky she was in life but that all went out the window. It didn't stop her wanting Hermes bags or other pointless nonsense. Her mother got into her head that I was tight with money and she'd be better suited with someone like her father. I can't say I disagree with the last point. Nevertheless, on the "bright" side, your husband lost a good woman and the OW will probably end up destitute if her husband hires a good lawyer. You're free from that parasite now.
> 
> Chin up Sara.


Thank you so much, Complexity. It really helped to read your words. 

I am sorry you had someone similar. 

There are definitely more important things in life than Hermes bags and life can be good without them.

I think people who find pleasure in Hermes bags or designer shoes are likely the type that are never happy.


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## missmolly (Jun 10, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> Thank you so much, Complexity. It really helped to read your words.
> 
> I am sorry you had someone similar.
> 
> ...


*
*



and not likely to be my friends


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

We weren't legally married (that's turned out to be a blessing); we were common-law and have two children together. I discovered his cheating this August and it started in April that I can prove. I have know way of knowing that he never cheated before that. I also have very little reason to believe him if he claims otherwise since he's proven himself to be a liar. But from what I can tell based on the evidence available, nearly nine years went by before he cheated.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Sara8 said:


> Thank you so much, Complexity. It really helped to read your words.
> 
> I am sorry you had someone similar.
> 
> ...


You're very welcome Sara. I don't know if these recent epiphanies have bummed you out or made you question if anything you did was ever worth something. But trust me on this, never ever try to shoulder any blame on yourself. By all measures you went above and beyond what was expected from a spouse. You've read it yourself in numerous books, the BS typically contributed more to the marriage than the WS. Those words are definitely prophetic in your circumstances. I know it's another cliché that bad things happened to good people, but look at it on the bright side, whoever that anonymous source was, they saved you from a lifetime of your stbx's manipulation. 

These stages will pass and everything will get better in the end. Don't restrict your life of things because of undeserving people. We've wasted enough time being with them and you sure as hell shouldn't carry that baggage with you. You'll definitely come through this stronger and ultimately happier.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Complexity said:


> You're very welcome Sara. I don't know if these recent epiphanies have bummed you out or made you question if anything you did was ever worth something. But trust me on this, never ever try to shoulder any blame on yourself. By all measures you went above and beyond what was expected from a spouse. You've read it yourself in numerous books, the BS typically contributed more to the marriage than the WS. Those words are definitely prophetic in your circumstances. I know it's another cliché that bad things happened to good people, but look at it on the bright side, whoever that anonymous source was, they saved you from a lifetime of your stbx's manipulation.
> 
> These stages will pass and everything will get better in the end. Don't restrict your life of things because of undeserving people. We've wasted enough time being with them and you sure as hell shouldn't carry that baggage with you. You'll definitely come through this stronger and ultimately happier.


The recent epiphanies have both bummed me out, but they also have awaken me to reality. 

I think you are right too in all you advise. 

Thanks, again, complexity.


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## Doc Who (Sep 9, 2012)

Almost 19 years to a very selfish, but not NPD spouse. To her credit, she has changed significantly in the last two years, but I am still on alert.


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## beautifuldreamer (Sep 6, 2013)

H cheated from Day 1 of our marriage. Never left his serial cheating life behind him. Been marriage for 9 years now. Has never been faithful.


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## havenrose33 (Aug 7, 2013)

His first affair was about 10 years into our marriage....his latest affair was a few weeks before our 31st wedding anniversary...


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

That's a question many of us will never know the real answer to. Let's just say "earlier on than you think".


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

I was with my new bride about two months before I found out she was doing several guys behind my back. I was shocked to do find out my new bride was actually the neighborhood pump.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

7 years in.
Lasted for 13 years utill I started to give a sh1t.
Her last affair was a month before out 19 anni. 3 years ago.


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

We moved in together in 1998 and in 2002 he cheated for about 4 months. He was a rebound affair for her, she dumped him and married someone else. We married in 2004 and in March of 2013 he hooked up with a skank high school GF. We are moving toward divorce.


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## alone24 (Jan 15, 2013)

My wife cheated two years into our relationship (aged 22), before we were married or had a child. She confessed post marriage and baby. I will never forgive her for trapping me like this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

28 years


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

My wife and I together almost 17yrs married 15.5 when her A went down. She was 38.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

What I know to be fact...

At year 24 1st marriage, she started serial cheating, caught at year 30, she admits to 3 OM.

I suspect others, but have unless 3rd party comes forward probably will never know.


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## Anubis (Jul 12, 2011)

Decimated said:


> I was curious if there is a correlation between the amount of total time(years) you were together with your spouse before they started affair/cheating. The answer is probably different for serial cheaters as opposed to a single affair. It seems like I keep seeing numbers in the 10 to 15 year area. What do you think?
> 
> In my first marriage we were married for 2 years (dated for 7) when she had an affair and I divorced her. No children.
> 
> In my current marriage, we have been married for 12 years (dated for 1 1/2) when my STBXWW started her affair.


I thought first time was @ 8 Years and was a one time thing due to hormone /mental impacting (SSRI) meds.

I though for sure she began to go nuts at the 13 year mark and somehow it was my fault.

After it was over, and going carefully through the ancient hard drives in the closet, I learned it was about -1 years.. at least.


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## Rouleur (Sep 5, 2012)

About 4 months. Reconciled, had kids, this past 11 Feb 2013 found out she was at it again with a different guy. Divorced about 6 weeks now.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Together 17 years - EA & PA covered 12 months to March 2013. WS was 44 when this all kicked off. 

Bastards!


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I found out about his LT EA at the 13 year point of our marriage. In late July of this year, I found out that his serial cheating (3 ONSs, 2 "just making outs", one sexting buddy, a handful of "just talking tos"....and a partridge in a pear treeeeee ) actually began when we'd been married less than 2 years. 

He was 26 when he started cheating and will be 39 when our divorce is final two days after our 16th wedding anniversary - next month. And yes, he's still trying to change my mind and convince me to give R yet another shot - while also heavily pursuing a number of other women that he doesn't think I know about. 

Asshat.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

Found out on 11th wedding anniversary. Dated/lived together 3-4 years before marriage. WW was 38 I was 40.


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## still so sad (May 27, 2013)

Dated about 2 years before getting married.
Married about 15 when he started cheating .
I found out after 20 years of marriage. He initially lied about the length of his affair. So he cheated for about 5 years.

At the true beginning of the affair, we were both in our early 40's. 1st marriage, 3 kids.

In R now for about the last 1 1/2 years but I am totally devistated and still struggling with it every day.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Do we ever really know? All I can say is I "think".

I "think" we were together for 8 years before he cheated. But do I know? No fvcking clue. The only things I know is what I've seen for my own eyes and not a smidgen more.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Miss Taken said:


> Do we ever really know? All I can say is I "think".
> 
> I "think" we were together for 8 years before he cheated. But do I know? No fvcking clue. The only things I know is what I've seen for my own eyes and not a smidgen more.



Agreed. I know that it went PA for sure in year 12 of marriage, her then 38, but looking back I suspect that she started EAs before we were married and continued on the entire marriage. I think there was more to it, but she swears not one second, then claims the next that she is compartmentalized (which is very true) and that she can't remember things and has blank periods of time (this I don't buy). Don't think I will ever know the truth for sure either.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Eight years. Married for four.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

I never write short posts but there was no way round it in this one . 
Twelve months after we married I found out that:

Three months after we met, he contacted a woman from his home country on her blog and laid on the charm. He said he was single and that all the women here in his adopted country were dumb, badly dressed, and loud (ooops! guess that includes me.)
Six months later we went on holiday to his home country but he went on ahead of me. 
Before I arrived, he met up with his 'new secret blogger friend' :yay: 
He also met up with an old flame from his past :yay:
And. . . he also met up with his ex-mistress :redcard: I never even knew he had one of those. 
I nearly forgot the backpacker, also from his home country, who was travelling here where we live. He also approached her on her blog and you've guessed it, they also met up, here on our own turf :yay: 
He says. . . 
I am the love of his life :wtf:
He did it because he was missing his language :slap:
Can anyone beat that???


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

25 years married.. together since children.. she started cheating at the 20 year mark.. that I know about, as mentioned above.. who really knows.. once you find out they had it in them, poof.. the Love Boat turns into the SS Poseidon..

Wow, he missed his language... that's a pretty sad story right there. You should buy him some books on tape in that language, tell them they won't give him STDs..


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

********** said:


> I never write short posts. There was no way round it in this one . 12 months after we married I found out that:
> 
> 3 months after we met, he contacted a woman from his home country on her blog, hit her with heavy duty charm and said he was single and that all the women in his adopted country were dumb, badly dressed, and loud (ooops! guess that includes me.)
> 6 months later we went on holiday to his home country but he went on ahead of me.
> ...


Yes, I'd like to beat that with a baseball bat!


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

20 years


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

Together (really) 10 years, married 7
He was 46


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Trick question. At what point did she start the behaviors that would likely end with her looking at other people to “fill the void” and learn to “omit” things that people might judge her “wrong” for that she didn’t want them to see her as? ... probably when she was a child. I’ve actually known her since we were 10 and she’s always been self-centered, entitled and worried about how others see her.

When did these character traits have her looking at female friends instead of me to fill those voids and kick off EA type stuff? Year 2 of our marriage. By year 5 she was allowing and including men to tell her she’s pretty and smart; She allowed herself to chase her crushes and ‘make friends’ with those she was attracted to. By year 7, she was rewarding them with kisses and sexual banter sort of EA stuff but with some emotional distance; She was afraid they’d stop liking her and stop talking to her so she used what she thought would keep them around and interested. (This is when I think she started going physical).

By her confession (but not fully believed) she didn’t get really fully involved emotionally and physically with others until year 12 of our marriage. DD was in our 14th year.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

LostViking said:


> I was with my new bride about two months before I found out she was doing several guys behind my back. I was shocked to do find out my new bride was actually the neighborhood pump.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


"pump"?


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