# d-day and 180



## QBall_1981 (Mar 19, 2013)

deleted


----------



## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

You sound to be off to a good start. Get her out and go dark. Serve her as fast as you can. 

Do not engage. The 180 is for you. Only pay for what you have too.

Use this time to hit the gym and better yourself. You got this.


----------



## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

Qball....First let me say that I am sorry that you are in this situation, it is a terrible place to be. With that said, welcome as you know you will find many wonderful people on her that have a vast knowledge of what is going on, and will offer suggestions to better your situation. 

I agree with Gutpunch, you need to focus 100% of your energy on becoming a better person, not for her, but for you. I started going to the gym, and also a new hobby. You will still have bad days, and regret, but they will fade with time.

If you sit and wait, you prove that you are always going to be there incase plan A (OM) fails, and as long as he is in the picture you will always be plan B. Get her out of the house, and go silent. the only time I contact my wife is if it deals with the business we need to take care of to end things. When we do talk, there is no how are you, I treat it like I am talking to a lawyer. Tell me date and time and what I need, and good bye. It will not always be easy, but it is best for you. Good luck, and keep your head up!


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Q,

Also cut her off finacially. She wants to live a single life and screw other guys, let her pay her own way then.

Cancel or remove her name from any joint credit cards
Take half the money you 2 have in any joint bank accounts and move it into an account(s) with just your name on it
If your paycheck is deposited to a joint account, change that too

Now that these things are done, expose her to all her friends and family. Find out what you can about the other man and expose him too to family and friends

Good luck to you


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Expose the affair

To your family

To her family

To her workplace (so OM can get his share of the credit)

And, to posOM's wife


----------



## QBall_1981 (Mar 19, 2013)

deleted


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I'm always sad to see someone who won't fight for their relationship.

Your choice.

I know which way your two kids would vote.


----------



## QBall_1981 (Mar 19, 2013)

deleted


----------



## Jntrs (Feb 13, 2013)

as the old saying from the movie "Swingers" go

"You're money baby" keep your head up


----------



## QBall_1981 (Mar 19, 2013)

deleted


----------



## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

QBall_1981 said:


> First night with the kids last night and i feel like i'm not a good dad... I kept thinking on the ride into work/school this morning that my house is empty and broken and the kids aren't happy. They cried last night because they missed their mom, even though they spent the night there Sunday on the floor, without TV, or any thing else. I have gone through the last couple of months thinking i was the better parent because she's so up and down with the 'checking out' that it was a serious blow to me. Not that i actually thought the kids wouldn't miss their mom... i'm just a mess. In hindsight i feel like we complimented the kids so well together and now they're just getting 100% of one of us at a time.
> 
> She tried to tell me about her day yesterday morning and i told her that i wasn't interested in hearing about it unless it was in MC. We have our regularly scheduled appt for tomorrow night; i'm not sure if she's going to be there or not and i want to ask.
> 
> Thoughts?


Don't ask. She needs to get her sh*t together.


----------



## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

She has checked out and had an EA, the heavy lifting is hers. Don't initiate contact. You really seem to have made a great start to this.


----------



## QBall_1981 (Mar 19, 2013)

deleted


----------



## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Don't look at it that way. You are setting boundaries "with" her but they are very much for you.

If the old you wasn't working why repeat it? That is the definition of.insanity.


----------



## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

K.C. said:


> If the old you wasn't working why repeat it? That is the definition of.insanity.


That is actually how Michele Weiner-Davis introduces the concept of the 180 in Divorce Busting. 

Despite the 34-point list of dos and don't that gets circulated, the 180 isn't about following a strict plan but is actually about doing the exact opposite of what you have done before - because whatever you did before wasn't working.


----------



## QBall_1981 (Mar 19, 2013)

deleted


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

It's all there if you have the stones to retrieve it.

This affair must be crushed for you to have a chance with her.

You've just wasted a month.

How much longer are you going to dither?


----------



## QBall_1981 (Mar 19, 2013)

deleted


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

QBall_1981 said:


> Everyone; thanks for the support. I grabbed the records on Tuesday night after uncovering the OM's truck parked at STBXW's apartment at 3am.
> 
> Looks like ~100 texts/month to OM (legit business related) for months up until Jan-Feb of this year. What happened in February? STBXW and OM attended the Landmark Education forum the weekend before Valentine's Day. We were fighting on Valentine's Day and she stopped wearing her rings and trickle-truthed her feelings for the OM on March 2nd. Texts went to 250/month in Feb to 330/month in March, and then 550/month in April. She's gone and i'm finally able to see the writing on the wall.
> 
> Anyway, thanks... and i appreciate the tough love, even if i took 30 days to do anything resembling something. I'm trying to get better.


Crush the Affair now.

Expose them to everyone


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Crush the Affair now.
> 
> Expose them to everyone


Don't wait just do it!


----------



## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

QBall_1981 said:


> Everyone; thanks for the support. I grabbed the records on Tuesday night after uncovering the OM's truck parked at STBXW's apartment at 3am.
> 
> Looks like ~100 texts/month to OM (legit business related) for months up until Jan-Feb of this year. What happened in February? STBXW and OM attended the Landmark Education forum the weekend before Valentine's Day. We were fighting on Valentine's Day and she stopped wearing her rings and trickle-truthed her feelings for the OM on March 2nd. Texts went to 250/month in Feb to 330/month in March, and then 550/month in April. She's gone and i'm finally able to see the writing on the wall.
> 
> Anyway, thanks... and i appreciate the tough love, even if i took 30 days to do anything resembling something. I'm trying to get better.


Not exposing = not fighting. She knows you know and you aren't exposing. She sees this as weakness. She cannot respect you. 

Why are you reluctant to expose? Exposing is win/win for you. If you want her back you have to end the affair before anything else can happen. If it turns out you don't want her back at least you will have held her accountable for her actions.

Is POSOM married?


----------



## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

You keep flip-flopping - tell her to quickly get all of her crap out of the house, then you are asking her what you can do to get her back? 

Wake up! 180 FOR REAL this time and start detaching.

Forget the MC, go for IC....no point in MC with someone who is not forth coming and honest about the affair and makes no real effort. It would actually take 2 of you to fix a marriage, and that's not happening here.

You have to seriously stuck to a plan here. Stop wavering and teetering on the fence. You've read the books...implement.


----------



## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

Conrad said:


> I'm always sad to see someone who won't fight for their relationship.
> 
> Your choice.
> 
> I know which way your two kids would vote.


Oh please just stop.

His wife cheated on him and checked out of the marriage and now it's his fault that he won't "fight to save the marriage" and even worse you through the "it's not good for the kids" guilt trip on top of that?

Give the guy a break, it's not what he asked for.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

northland said:


> Oh please just stop.
> 
> His wife cheated on him and checked out of the marriage and now it's his fault that he won't "fight to save the marriage" and even worse you through the "it's not good for the kids" guilt trip on top of that?
> 
> Give the guy a break, it's not what he asked for.


You wake up on the wrong side of the bed?

He's asked for several things - just in this thread.


----------



## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

He's asked his wife to stop contacting the OM and to commit to MC neither of which she's done.

How does that have anything to do with making the guy feel bad for finally giving up and throwing his hands in the air and walking away from a cheating wife who shows no interest in fixing the marriage?


----------



## QBall_1981 (Mar 19, 2013)

deleted


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

QBall_1981 said:


> I'm in IC (two weeks now) and i exposed to friends, family, and work Tuesday morning after i got back home from her apt. She, of course, is master of reflection and considers me the psycho, but it is done.
> 
> IC and I have worked through some things about me and i'm more hopeful that i can 180 properly this time.


Excellent work.

She's going to get plenty of time to think about it now - and to experience how difficult her life suddenly got.

Keep observing - and stick to living your life with zest.


----------



## QBall_1981 (Mar 19, 2013)

deleted


----------



## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

QBall_1981 said:


> I just got back from IC to a text from her, "You seriously changed my f**king password?! [online account for cell phone]" I told her i did it on Tuesday night; guess she forgot.
> 
> This will be the first txt i don't respond to.


You said it's the first text you don't respond to but you said that you told her that you did it on Tuesday night and you guess she forgot.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

QBall_1981 said:


> I only got one or two feedback points from friends, and they were pretty much, 'I don't care... you shouldn't be sharing that personal of a thing.' STBXW said that i shouldn't make a f**king scene this weekend because 'everyone's over it'
> 
> I was struggling (internally) with what i assumed was a backfire of exposure, but then i realized what i haven't seen mentioned on TAM. What if she's explained our relationship in a different context than i was? What if she's explaining it that we don't have a chance to get back together and for them the OM's truck outside is a legit. next step?
> 
> ...


ignore the feedback. you did what you had to. People don't realize why you did the exposure until it happens to them


----------



## QBall_1981 (Mar 19, 2013)

...there's a lot of things i wouldn't have understood until it happened to me...


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

warlock07 said:


> ignore the feedback. You did what you had to. People don't realize why you did the exposure until it happens to them


this


----------



## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

QBall_1981 said:


> I only got one or two feedback points from friends, and they were pretty much, 'I don't care... you shouldn't be sharing that personal of a thing.' STBXW said that i shouldn't make a f**king scene this weekend because 'everyone's over it'
> 
> I was struggling (internally) with what i assumed was a backfire of exposure, but then i realized what i haven't seen mentioned on TAM. *What if she's explained our relationship in a different context than i was*? *What if she's explaining it that we don't have a chance to get back together and for them the OM's truck outside is a legit. next step*?
> 
> ...


My ex did this. Completely justified his cheating and lying this way. He conveniently forgot to tell everybody he was reconciling with me at the same time.

DENIAL of what they've done and who they really are.


----------



## QBall_1981 (Mar 19, 2013)

I deleted my posts because I'm still managing to hurt the person I love. I deleted the posts because, while it was the way I felt a year ago, it isn't the way I've felt in a long time. 

I deleted the posts because my wife leaving wasn't her fault; it was my fault. I had an EA while married; while she was pregnant with our last child. 

The marriage is in shambles because of what I did; not what she did. 

She acted in the way any normal person would have acted when they found out that their husband wasn't faithful and he broke the most serious trust bond that they could have with another person.

I take ownership of the things I did, and understand that i'll live the rest of my life with the consequences of my inexcusable actions. It's me that abandoned her and none of her actions actually caused any of this.

To anyone that looks at this; just understand that the best advice I could give is that you need to talk to your partner about everything. If you value your marriage and the bond that you've worked so hard to forge, then you need to constantly re-honor that and be honest with yourself and your partner or you'll find that your mistakes make you (me) miserable for the rest of your life. Especially when you realize that they are decisions you'll live with until you die.


----------



## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

QBall_1981 said:


> I deleted my posts because I'm still managing to hurt the person I love. I deleted the posts because, while it was the way I felt a year ago, it isn't the way I've felt in a long time.
> 
> I deleted the posts because my wife leaving wasn't her fault; it was my fault. I had an EA while married; while she was pregnant with our last child.
> 
> ...


Kudos to you for manning up and owning your actions. You're on the right path.

If only my exH had done what you've done, we may have had a chance. Instead he is secretive, sneaky and full of blame (for me). I didn't cheat, he did, I didn't leave the marriage, he did, I didn't lie, he did.

He cannot look at himself and take responsibility for the damage he's done.


----------

