# "You can't tell me what to do!"



## Buckster (Sep 26, 2011)

I have been hearing this from my wife alot lately. Thing is I don't tell her what to do. We have been married almost 2 years. The problem started when her friend wanted to go out to a bar that is more of a dance bar type of joint. Thats not the problem. The problem is her friend said "I am gonna get you hammered and get you dancing on the bar" I told her friend no. I'm sorry I just don't feel it is appropriate for a married woman to be dancing on a bar. Am I wrong? This is where I got the "You can't tell me what to do" bit. Her friend is also not the most savory. Shes pretty well known as the one whos been around the bar if you get my meaning. 

My wife was actually mad at me. Yet if I want to go to my bar. Little neighborhood bar down the street. I know everyone, and most of them are old enough to be my parents or grandparents. I get a big fat NO if she doesn't want me going out. More and more though she just wants to do whatever she wants no matter how i feel about it. If I put my foot down then I am the *******. Sorry but if it is something inappropriate I am going to say no. Am I wrong here?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Ok first of all both of you have got to stop having "bars" as a focal point for your lives.

She`s empathizing with a toxic friend.

You`re not wrong at all but you`ve got to get rid of that "friend"


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I agree with tacoma.

The toxic friend is her wingman. Do they often go out together? What is their history? Is her friend single, married, divorced ...

Does your wife work? Do you have kids? How old are you guys? 

Did they go out anyway? When they go out what things do they do? Is it always out drinking?
Trying to what is usual / typical behavior.

Do you guys go out together much?

You state that the issue is for her to be dancing on the bar and I agree that would not sit well with me either. You are ok with her going to places with dancing. I am assuming this is a country / western line dancing stuff as opposed to the more up close and personal club dancing. Yes? Are we clear that you are ok with her dancing on the dance floor but that getting up on the bar hammered is your boundary?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

The friend sounds like trouble.

Would your wife want to be dancing on the table if it was just the two of you?


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## Buckster (Sep 26, 2011)

I have tried to get her to back off her friend but she wont. Again with the you can't speech. I only step in with a no if its needed so I don't understand why she is so defensive. We generally get along. Lovey dovey. Affectionate. All that jazz. So this attitude is new and out of the blue.


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## Buckster (Sep 26, 2011)

I highly doubt it lol.


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## Buckster (Sep 26, 2011)

@Entropy

No they don't go out often together. They met about a year ago and clicked. My wife is 23 I am 26. Her friend is 21. She is single and loves to mingle. Which didn't happen till 21. Scary thing is she is proud of her actions. We don't have any kids. My wife does work.

They didn't go out but spent an hour on the phone later talking about me being controlling. When they do go out They drink. Dance and usually I am with. This run was supposed to be GNO. I try to make one night a week where we go out and do something. Dinner and a movie. Park walk. Things like that.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Buckster said:


> @Entropy
> 
> No they don't go out often together. They met about a year ago and clicked. My wife is 23 I am 26. Her friend is 21. She is single and loves to mingle. Which didn't happen till 21. Scary thing is she is proud of her actions. We don't have any kids. My wife does work.
> 
> They didn't go out but spent an hour on the phone later talking about me being controlling. When they do go out They drink. Dance and usually I am with. This run was supposed to be GNO. I try to make one night a week where we go out and do something. Dinner and a movie. Park walk. Things like that.


Ok, so this helps with the general picture a lot. I think it is good that you go out dancing with her.

So there is a whole maturity level thing going on along with single versus being married thing. Not uncommon for young single folks to tell other young marrieds that their hubbys are controlling and so on. They have no real idea what marriage is about. Some folks want to be be a little bit married and a little bit single.

So your wife needs some other more compatible friends. Not a good idea for her to be running around with this single 21 year old who I persume is all for hooking up.

There are some real boundary issues here. dancing on the bar is not a good idea but there are probably bigger issues to be concerned about. Them going on a GNO to a bar alone is probably not a great idea. It is not a group of women, it is your wife and her single and immature wingwoman. Bad juju.

So this is a very new thing here. The GF is ready to get wild and wants to take your wifey along with her.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Buckster,

Read this link. If you see yourself in these pages, it's likely part of your problem.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I bet your wife is more attractive then her friend,right?

See the thing her is when your along the guys at the bar won't hit on "them", but when it just the two of them then the toxic friend reaps the reward of having an attractive friend along as "bait".

So you must take control of your marriage. Your W is heading towards a slippery slope with this toxic friend, no doubt about it.


The next time you get labeled "controling" or the "you can't tell me what to do" speech, simply and calmly state that she can do what ever she wants and that you will not control her, and she has the choice to do what she wants... but you will not wait around and the only thing you can control is what you will tolorate and that you do not want to tolorate this and can move on with out her.

Really it is her choice, do not beg for the marriage and show her how confident you are in moving on with out her. 

She can do what she wants just like you can do what you want, and what you want is a healthy marriage with a women that has boundries. While your wife may want to be single again and that is fine but again you will not be there for her.

So you can't control her and yes she can do what she wants(tell her this), so the simple question here is does she want to be married to you and if so what does she need to do to keep you around? 

If she doesn't want to stay married to you then sometimes you just have to let them go.

Make no mistake what you are doing is good and a man should take control and protect his marriage. But the protection can only go so far when the person your tring to protect the marriage with doesn't see the need for this kind of protection then some times you just have to let them go and let them face the consequences of a failed marriage b/c of the bad choices she made.

So the next time tell her you can't control her but you can control what you will do and waiting around for her to screw up the marriage with a "misstake" is not an option for you.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Calmly:

"I cannot control you, but I can control what I will accept in this relationship"


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Calmly:
> 
> "I cannot control you, but I can control what I will accept in this relationship"


And of course this is THE answer to your question.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

She doesn't want you to go out because of what she does when she goes out and she thinks you're doing the same.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

that_girl said:


> She doesn't want you to go out because of what she does when she goes out and she thinks you're doing the same.


:iagree:

Ironically many people who cheat, throw the word 'controlling' against their betrayed spouse when it is they who are the one's controlling the truth with their lies and throw jealous fits when their spouse wants to go out without them.

If I were you, I would investigate if your wife isn't fooling around. With a toxic friend like hers, the odds increase dramatically that it will happen, if it hasn't happened already.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

The friend has only one agenda in life.... To have fun and have girl friends who want to have fun.

What you have to realize at this moment is that this friend will be successful in bringing your wife into the single, party, fun mode. She will be successful because your wife is being led. This is confirmed by the fact that your wife said you can't tell her what to do. This is evidence of her freind leading her. And, what the friend has to offer is more fun than marriage. So please totally wrap your mind around this that your wife already has one foot out the door in the marriage.

This is important to wrap your head around, because recognizing this will help drive your actions. Now, the action is for you to offer your wife the choice between single behavior and marriage. It's really that simple. You take on the attitude that the choice is totally up to her, and you don't care what she decices. You will not control her, but you are fully prepared to end things if she cannot chose marriage over single-hood.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

In the not that distant future you will be hearing that she is an adult, you do not own her and that it is ok for a woman to have close male friends and that if you object you are controlling, insecure and jealous. She can do what she wants, when she wants and with whom she wants. You cannot pick her friends.

GNOs are essential to a married woman but if they involve going out to bars, getting hammered and dancing on bars they are really only Girls Night Out with other men and no husband. She will start coming home much later and you will not know where she is or has been, with this "friend" and their new guy friends. The friend is going to be hooking up. She has her wingwoman, your wife. Why would the other men now assume they are both hooking up?


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