# Reconnecting after emotional disconnection



## Southernsbo

Hi you all,
I've been behind the scenes, reading the forums but not logging in. In all this time I was trying to deal with my demons. I'm trying to find out a way to reconnect with my husband. I've been hurt so much before and in the process I've developed a way to cope with all the pain he was causing me. I hardened my heart to the point of even praying not to care anymore. I remember wishing that a time will come when he would love me more and I would feel nothing for him. I thought when that time came I will be avenged and will feel nothing at all but a hidden smile that is glad that the tables have now been turned. Ironically that time came, my husband has been showering me with affection and appreciation so much that I feel stupid and don't know what to do or how to respond. I thought it was going to pass but has been going on for the past three months now and he seems genuine. The problem is now I feel so distant and cold towards him. This is the man who has hurt me so much with words and actions and then turn around and put the blame on me. He will go on for weeks not talking to me and not even looking at me. This hurt me so much until I couldn't hurt anymore. Now he is what I want but I don't know how to reciprocate. My mind wants to but my heart just wouldn't allow me. I know I still want him in my life but God knows I don't know how to reconnect. I had practically emotionally divorced him and how do I go back to loving him. He is so frustrated and keeps on asking me if I have a problem because I'm very cold towards him. I love him but I guess I haven't healed yet from all the pain he has caused me. I know that he knows exactly how I felt when he hurt me because he had always managed to get hold of my journals but will never ask me about anything I had written. I think he finally realised how much he hurt me and wants to make amends. I really don't know how to deal with this. At the same time I'm afraid that if I continue like this I might lose him because he might think I don't love him anymore. I'm not sure if he understands exactly how I feel. This is so unfair. I would appreciate any wisdom in dealing with this dilema. Thank you for reading, it feels good to just vent without being judged.


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## morningdew

Your first few lines sounds like it came out right of my life! I feel the same way about my H but the difference is: your husband shows the efforts that he's trying to make amends with you through his actions. Has he apologize to you? 
I can't give you too much advice but I just want you to know that I can relate to how you are feelings but on my case it's probably too late to do anything about it. 
Maybe a counseling will help you?
Best of luck!


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## larniegrl

I can completely relate to how you feel...I am going through it now.

Time heals all...that is what I am believing now.


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## Southernsbo

Thanks ladies, it's good to know I'm not alone. I wish he could stop the guilt trip already because now he makes me feel like I don't care and just doesn't understanding the emotional state I'm in. I think counselling is the best way even if I attend on my own just to understand where I'm at and how to deal with it.


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## sisters359

sounds like your husband was verbally and emotionally abusive. You probably know in your gut that his "change" is temporary, and once he feels secure that you care again, he'll go back to his old ways.

What led to his change in the first place? Were you planning to leave?


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## nice777guy

Like others above, I can relate, but have not advice.

Just know that you are not alone. Sorry.


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## turnera

Have you read about emotional abuse? Do that, and let us know if he fits. Because that will determine the advice you get.


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## Amplexor

Years of abuse, neglect and indifference will not heal in a matter of a few weeks. Recovery takes time. Any spouse can make changes and stick to them for a few months. But he needs to commit to them for life in order for you to accept them as Gospel. Discuss with him your feelings. Let him know you want it to all work out and that you appreciate all of his efforts but that you need time to recover. Just because he feels he is a changed man doesn't mean you are ready to accept that. If he is doting too heavily on you, let him know in a kind way to just slow it down and let things take their natural course. It likely took years for you to get to the level of disconnect with your husband that you did, it won't reverse in just a few weeks. Ask him to continue his efforts and you give you time to come to accept, recover and forgive if needed. My wife emotionally disconnected from me a long time ago and we are now in our third year of recovery. The marriage is stronger and better than it has been in many years and we are happy in it. Don't let anyone tell you you can't fall back in love again. I did, and very deeply. Be patient and spend time as a couple again, date, be friends and let the bonds grow stronger. There is hope, don't lose faith in yourself, him or your marriage. Good luck.


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## jessi

I think you open up with your husband and just try to move ahead little by little, re-training yourself to trust his commitment to you and the safety of your emotions...you don't trust that right now.....
just get comfortable with him hugging you without any expectations, 
then small kisses hello and goodbye
let him follow through on doing and saying things to you and believing his effort just for the moment and not letting the past history erase the good moments.
In time the new history will replace the old memories and you will trust that he is not the same man he used to be. 
maybe getting some professional help as well to work through your emotions, slowly open yourself up.....it will take some time, but he needs to know you have some work to do together but it sounds like you love this man and it will be worth it.


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## wildhrt98

I need some serious help please. I have been married for 12 years and I am right where this lady is. Emotional disconnect has completed. I am trying to reconnect with my husband but just keep coming up with more and more things that have hurt and I can't seem to stop. As soon as I start making any progress he brings me right back down, then we he makes progress I bring him down with another revelation of missed needs. Is the cycle ever going to stop or should we stop hurting ourselves?


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## Mirrormask

Southernsbo said:


> Hi you all,
> I've been behind the scenes, reading the forums but not logging in. In all this time I was trying to deal with my demons. I'm trying to find out a way to reconnect with my husband. I've been hurt so much before and in the process I've developed a way to cope with all the pain he was causing me. I hardened my heart to the point of even praying not to care anymore. I remember wishing that a time will come when he would love me more and I would feel nothing for him. I thought when that time came I will be avenged and will feel nothing at all but a hidden smile that is glad that the tables have now been turned. Ironically that time came, my husband has been showering me with affection and appreciation so much that I feel stupid and don't know what to do or how to respond. I thought it was going to pass but has been going on for the past three months now and he seems genuine. The problem is now I feel so distant and cold towards him. This is the man who has hurt me so much with words and actions and then turn around and put the blame on me. He will go on for weeks not talking to me and not even looking at me. This hurt me so much until I couldn't hurt anymore. Now he is what I want but I don't know how to reciprocate. My mind wants to but my heart just wouldn't allow me. I know I still want him in my life but God knows I don't know how to reconnect. I had practically emotionally divorced him and how do I go back to loving him. He is so frustrated and keeps on asking me if I have a problem because I'm very cold towards him. I love him but I guess I haven't healed yet from all the pain he has caused me. I know that he knows exactly how I felt when he hurt me because he had always managed to get hold of my journals but will never ask me about anything I had written. I think he finally realised how much he hurt me and wants to make amends. I really don't know how to deal with this. At the same time I'm afraid that if I continue like this I might lose him because he might think I don't love him anymore. I'm not sure if he understands exactly how I feel. This is so unfair. I would appreciate any wisdom in dealing with this dilema. Thank you for reading, it feels good to just vent without being judged.


I have bee graciously giving advice all day on here so i will rotate you into my focus. First of all i will point out that you "prayed" to care less. Got to be careful of things like that, you never know who might intercept that prayer first. Your heart is locked up tight it appears, but just like anything locked up, there is always a skeleton key to get in again. I will give you some tips to help this get resolved.

Tips to try

Ask him what he wants to do one saturday, then tag along with him. Let him do his own thing while you just be there. Whether its fishing, watching a monster truck show or whatever. Just be there. Watch him do his thing. Let him slowly remind you why you love him. Let him show you how to bait that hook, or let him explain the difference between a Ford and a Chevy monster truck. Watch him be a Guy. This wont just happen over night. So plan to do this many times. This will allow you to reconnect with that inner lover again. The more you tag along on "His" things the more you will want to know about him that you might not already know. He may tell you stories of how when he was a boy his father use to teach him how to cast "just like this" wizzzzzzzz splash. You will learn more about your husband then you thought there was to know. You will see what his passions are and within those passions you will see his beauty again.

Have date nights, ask him out on a date. Just because your married doesn't mean you cant go out for a night. Go all out. Get dressed up nice. I know it sounds cheesy but have him drive around the block and pull in the driveway to pick you up. Chances are he will have gotten that old feeling again and if your lucky you might even see some spit in his hair where he tried to come it down real fast before he pulled up. Make it a real date and treat it as such. 

Lastly i want to tell you something directly and i want you to really think on it. Pain in a relationship will only stay around if you keep reminding yourself that it is there. If he has truly showed improvement and has been for some time now. Let that pain go. It is meaningless, it is the past. Memories can be both good and bad. But the future is neither, it has not been written yet. You have the pen and paper to your heart, Begin......

Love never truly dies.


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## Jellybeans

Southernsbo said:


> This is the man who has hurt me so much with words and actions and then turn around and put the blame on me. He will go on for weeks not talking to me and not even looking at me. This hurt me so much until I couldn't hurt anymore.


Oh, hi. It sounds like you are married to my ex's twin. My ex did this to me all the time. Silent treatment for days/weeks. When I reached my breaking point, a part of me had died. A part I held for him had died too.

My advice is to get into counselling. Tell him how he has made you feel, be really open and honest with him. Hopefully he is receptive to what you're saying and how you feel w/o deflecting blame or saying he did it because of something you did and is willing to really and truly commit to you and to NOT repeat ignoring you and treating you poorly, neglecting you. 

You must tell him how you feel and what you need. Then it's up to you to decide whether you believe his changes and the marriage is worth staying in.


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## Mirrormask

wildhrt98 said:


> I need some serious help please. I have been married for 12 years and I am right where this lady is. Emotional disconnect has completed. I am trying to reconnect with my husband but just keep coming up with more and more things that have hurt and I can't seem to stop. As soon as I start making any progress he brings me right back down, then we he makes progress I bring him down with another revelation of missed needs. Is the cycle ever going to stop or should we stop hurting ourselves?


You will need to do what i call a "stop point"

Sit down and stop together. Tell each other your sorry and mean it. Let each other know that you will make mistakes in the future, but remind each other of the love between you.

Love is patient and kind, it is never jealous, love is never boastful or conceited, it is never rude or selfish, it does not take offence, nor is it resentful. Love takes no pleasure in others’ sins but delights in the truth; it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope and to endure whatever comes.

Love does not come to an end. There are three things that last... faith, hope and love and the greatest of these is love.


- Because we don't know when we will die, we get to think of life as an inexhaustible well. Yet everything happens only a certain number of times, and a very small number really. How many more times will you remember a certain afternoon of your childhood, some afternoon that is so deeply a part of your being that you can't even conceive of your life without it? Perhaps four or five times more, perhaps not even that. How many more times will you watch the full moon rise? Perhaps twenty. And yet it all seems limitless.
-
In other words, Do not live your days wondering when one of you will fail again. Instead live each day enjoying your company with one another. Tomorrow may never come for one of you. So do not waste today on small arguments. They will come and go, but always forgive them when they do show up.


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## c.l.s

I am kind of in the same situation as you.

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years and the last year he became an addict and lied to me about it and I finally got tired of it and ended things. Its been about a month now since we have been separated. The first couple of weeks I was fine. I really honestly though that I would never talk to him again because I was so happy. I contacted him last week and we hung out. When I saw him I felt like it was the first time meeting him again, there was a strong connection. He still loves me and wants me back and has been putting forth the effort to change and I have seen a change in him. I still love him and do want to be with him, but i'm afraid of getting hurt again. He tells me that it's for real this time and he has learned his lesson and he will give anything to have me back, but I think its too soon to get back together. I don't know what to think. I'm afraid that if I keep waiting and waiting I will lose him. I need help on what to do. I'm still young, were both in college still. I know my feelings, but I don't know how to handle this right now. If anyone of you have any advice, please share!!


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## This is me

Mirrormask. Well written!

My wife seemed to have hit the same point earlier this year. Things are improving and she is warming up in the relationship again, but it has taken encouragement and patience to work at the marriage like a regular fitness workout. 

I have appologies for anything she saw as unreasonable and promised to not give up on us. After all these months I have actually heard ILY a couple time in recent days. 

From my POV, we both were involved in disputes that to me seemed mild and in her mind were way over the top. When she hit the breaking point, completely disconnected and wanted to divorce (shock to me), it was obvious she had been reliving every bad thought she had about our marriage, as if nothing good ever happened. Most of it was not even close to how I remembered and seemed to be revisionist history.

I have learned so much this year about relationships which is good for both of us. We still need to work at it, but time heals, even if only one is trying to rekindle the Love.

Hang in there and take baby steps of loving efforts.


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## MrK

I lost my wife (metaphorically) a couple of years ago (well, let me rephrase that): I realized that the rut we were in was more than a rut. She had fallen out of love with me. As soon as she said it was because of my verbal abuse (just occasional mean things I would say, bad temper, etc.), a rocket was shot through my heart. The woman I suddenly wanted more than anything in the world didn't want me and it was MY FAULT!

Can a man make a true 180 overnight? You bet your ass he can. I knew my temper was bad for my family. I knew some of the things I said were hurtful. But there were never consequences.

What now? Any time anything happens that could trigger my temper, I immediately question what is worse: The fact that my kids were in my toolbox again and left the wrenches on the floor when I need them or that I lost my wife over the outburst it would cause. I didn't even have to try. Now my temper is a thing of the past.

The saying mean things is dicier. I try, but sometimes jokes are taken out of context and I'm suddenly that mean guy again. We argue, things are said, and I'm that mean guy again.

Am I a different person? I think so. My wife never will. Read more posts. Women in your position don't change their feelings. You've lost your love for him and you won't go back. I'm still trying to make myself a better person, but my wife will never love me again. And it haunts me every day of my life.


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## waitwhat

My husband and I are having extreme marital difficulties, including a loss of emotional intimacy and physical attraction on my part. I recently moved out for 3 weeks. I am going to get my own apartment, but it's taking longer to get into one than I anticipated, so I now have to stay at our house for a few weeks. Anyway, I've been back here for 9 days now. We are sleeping in separate rooms, no kissing, no walking into the bathroom while the other is bathing...you know. Anyway, OMG, I can't believe the change it made in how I feel about him! It's a total turnaround! Now I don't even WANT to get my apartment, but I'm going to anyway, because we've got crap we need to resolve, which I will post in its own place here on the forums. Long answer short, I'm blown away by how just that 3 weeks and some physical distance changed how I feel. I wish I had done it years ago! 
I must add, my husband and I are great communicators, so we have talked thoroughly about all of our issues, beginning with when I admitted I was unhappy, all the way until I moved out, while I was gone, and since I've been back. Communication is KEY.


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## Silentsoul83

When I read this post I nearly came to tears because I am going through the same exact thing, but for so long have felt alone and almost crazy even for having these feelings. The only difference in my situation is that my spouse and I got into a physical altercation. I am not only emotionally disconnected, I think I am traumatized. He has not since put his hands on me, (the incident was over 2 years ago), and I almost was recoverring from it, but at one point I brought it up and he said that I should be over it. Once he said that it was almost like he had renigged his apology and I am left feeling like he was never really sorry for it. I feel dumb for forgiving him. For some time after the incident, and also after I found he was emailing other women and going on dating sites, instead of just leaving I stood but rebelled. I began staying out late, going to clubs, etc... I wasn't being myself, I guess it was my way of getting back at him, and in a way I did. He became very depressed and expressed to me at times that he felt alone. We soon made amends (not because I forgave him, but because I felt guilty for how I chose to "get back" at him). We fell back into a normal routine but he once again began with his controlling and degrading ways and it caused me to remember all that I had gone through in the past. I even began having nightmares of him attacking and torturing me. I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night in tears. I shut down. He realized that I was done and decided to call my father. My father told him that I was probably fed up and that if he (my husband) did not change his ways that he would lose me. Since then he has been, just as you said, doting over me and showering me with (unwanted) attention. I swore I was done but now I dont know what to do. I feel like if I leave now that I would be in the wrong. I am frustrated.


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## Trying2figureitout

This emotional shutdown is just plain evil...

In my case I was blindsided after 17years that my wife shut off emotions.... No abuse, and the stuff she said was bugging her was mostly ridiculous... You don't carry in the groceries enough (I did all the time!), You are in your own little world (I always put the family first just ask any of my workmates) yes I yelled at the kids when they screwed up as a way to vent because we were a low sex couple and they needed discipline. I don't yell anymore and yes it's better not to.

Now two years later... Still recovering even after stopping drinking (thinking that might help) and eliminating all her concerns. It's still her "feelings" and "I'm trying"

I even decided to go on a 6-month celibacy with her approval to see if that would jump start the relationship again. 

What am I rewarded with? Nothing except for the fact that we have this sex issue on my mind literally 90% of the time which makes me less productive. Its a vicious circle. She would be happier if I was happier but she is unwilling or unable to forgive and move on yet. We get along great but it's like winning the lottery when I can make love to my own wife!

It's torture plain and simple.... ladies if a guy didn't screw up that bad in the first place how can you possibly treat another human being/your husband like this? Why can't you forgive and move on?

You know your husbands have a sex drive? Right!?

Sex should occur regardless.

It cruel and it sucks. I have nor felt "right" in two years but I turn the other cheek and try not to let it bother me. But it does.


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## Loveher

To tryingtofigureitout,
I bet you wife does want to have sex, just not with you.
You can't expect her to have sex with you when there is no emotional connection. work on that.


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## Trying2figureitout

Loveher said:


> To tryingtofigureitout,
> I bet you wife does want to have sex, just not with you.
> You can't expect her to have sex with you when there is no emotional connection. work on that.


Have been for two years... but I feel like I'm doing all the work.. it's tiring when you see virtually no results in years. To emotionally connect she needs to let me in yet she won't I'm sure not having sex is a factor as well. But she wants to stay married talks about the future , says she's "trying" yadda yadda. I see little outward change.

Well then try.... say goodbye when you leave, touch me once in a while, get off facebook, quit going to the gym all 7 days of the week. I don't see the "trying".

I get virtually no support and try my butt off. Yes I still love her. You would think some positive reinforcement once in a while would be nice.

It's just ridiculous. Why stay married if you are emotionally detached feel free to leave it'd be better if you can't forgive and move on.

I won't because I believe in the "sickness and health" part but I don't understand why she stays if the emotional disconnect is so much. I see no reason why it should take more than a few years to notice positive change in your partner. Especially when we seem to get along just fine.

It's cruel. I don't see why humans can do this to their spouses. Grow uo.


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## turnera

Exactly. Why stay married? She obviously doesn't want to be married to YOU, why not save your dignity and leave?


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## turnera

Trying2figureitout said:


> It's cruel. I don't see why humans can do this to their spouses. Grow uo.


 Whatever it is that made her fall out of love with you is now causing HER to say this about YOU.

If you can't figure out what it was, then you have no reason to expect her to change.


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## willingandable

I just stumbled on to this website and it feels like my prayers are being answered, I have been married to a wonderful woman for going on sixteen years and have to awesome girls and we have sure had our ups and downs. For that last couple of year I belive she has been trying to connect us 100 percent we have had intimacy issues and the last time we had a down we sat down to seek help from a therapist, I walked away thinking I had all kinds of tools in my belt, I was thinking she needed more help and support around the house doing chores etc. Last week I was blown away to find out she was DONE....I could see it in her eyes and it really scared me!! She says she has a place in her heart that has cement poured around it. I got down on my knees and prayed that we could make it better, I feel I have been gifted new sight and awareness but am starting to thik it might be to late. The new sight is what I see I mmissed, she did need help around the house but she also needed me to be there for her emotionally and spirtiually and I not giving her what she needed she starved. I want nothing more than to keep my family together and any make things work. I could really use some input.


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## MrK

I'll say it again. Women fall out of love with their husbands after 5-10 years of marriage and they DON'T come back. And the bad part is they don't tell you. Give it up. Make your life better for YOU and your family. I've read about three threads in the past day where everyone was saying the SAME THING, just with different words. Give it up. It's over.

Go ahead and try. Go for months as the PERFECT husband. ONE little relapse and the man she hates replaces you and all of that effort goes away. Back to square 1. Rinse and repeat cycle.

When will they start explaining this to men BEFORE they get married?


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## turnera

willingandable, open your own thread so people can find you and help you.

MrK, if what you say is true - and I profoundly reject it, as I know people who've been happily married for 50 years - your solution is to do what? Go through about 5 to 10 marrriages in your life, since you'll have to throw away each one after no more than 10 years? 

Wouldn't a better solution be to go into a marriage realizing you BOTH have to tend to each other's Emotional Needs?


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