# Where Do We Go From Here?



## meowzrz031 (May 23, 2021)

Hello ladies! I am totally new here and am looking for some advice, hoping someone here has been in a similar situation.

My husband and I have been married almost 3 years (Sept.) Been a couple for 7. Throughout these 7 years he has been caught in 6 affairs, most recently the beginning of this month. This was the first affair I have caught him in since our marriage. The last one was months before our wedding date, and despite his refusal for counseling and his confidence that he could "fix it" himself, I stayed with him on the agreement that if there were to be a next time, I would leave him.

So here we are. Next time. We've spent the past 3 weeks separated as a couple, but having just signed a new lease in March, still living together. About 2 weeks into us being separated, a mutual acquaintance reached out to me, curious of what was going on. I started talking to him pretty consistently and long story short ended up in a hotel with him last week. I panicked the next morning, I guess because I've literally never done anything like that. 

When I came home I broke down and told my husband everything. At the time I just felt so guilty that I had done something like that, I thought my only answer was to call us both even and try to work it out. I don't think it helped that my husband's initial reaction was telling me that now we're even, and I have no room to ever bring up lack of trust or feeling disrescted by his affairs. He is now actively in therapy and really seems to be making an effort.

Fast forward a week, no contact from said mutual friend (my decision). I feel guilty for ghosting this guy because I do feel some kind of way about him, but I definitely don't want to jump into anything, single or not. I want to focus on my life. I literally depend on my husband for everything, never been on my own. And truth be told, I'll always love my husband and step son, but i just don't know if I can look past his affairs and try another time. Part of me just wants to cut ties and move on. I guess I don't know if I'm in love with him. I feel like my love for him changed slowly over time with each affair.

Am I wrong for still feeling the mistrust in my husband? Am I wrong for feeling that we are not indeed "even" as he says? Am I wrong for being able to push my guilt aside and still be defiant and say that I wouldn't have had taken that opportunity if he wouldn't have opened up that door? Because truth be told, I would never. In the 7 years through all the affairs and lies, I've been nothing but patient, loving, faithful and devoted to this man. And despite my one night of fun, and the following morning and days of guilt, I just don't feel like I can put this all behind me and try this again. I am currently scheduled to see a therapist myself, but I need some input here from someone thats on the outside.


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## Recovered1 (Nov 8, 2021)

First of all I am sorry you're going through this. My husband also has had numerous affairs and attempts at therapy. I stepped out 2x and it devastated me. After the second time, I told myself I would leave before degrading myself again.
It's probably best to walk away and focus on healing first.

Good luck


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I can't see how you can have any trust left after 6 affairs in 7 years. That's almost one every year and that's the ones you know of. 
He isn't likely to change sadly, and because you stayed each time he has faced no consequences.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

You are an adult. You are responsible for yourself. You are capable of letting go of your reliance on him. You are in an extremely unhealthy situation. 

What you did was wrong, but it's not the same as what he has done. Don't buy that.

How long is your lease? 

It's time for you to learn to be responsible for yourself and for you to make and implement an exit plan. Your husband isn't faithful and he never will be. Don't torture yourself. Make and implement a plan starting today. Don't tell him about anything. He's not on your side and will only use the information against you. 

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## Travelmom (10 mo ago)

meowzrz031 said:


> Hello ladies! I am totally new here and am looking for some advice, hoping someone here has been in a similar situation.
> 
> My husband and I have been married almost 3 years (Sept.) Been a couple for 7. Throughout these 7 years he has been caught in 6 affairs, most recently the beginning of this month. This was the first affair I have caught him in since our marriage. The last one was months before our wedding date, and despite his refusal for counseling and his confidence that he could "fix it" himself, I stayed with him on the agreement that if there were to be a next time, I would leave him.
> 
> ...


If you don't have children, my advice would be to start over now. You deserve better (as do I) but it is much harder when you have kids.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

You've been in a one-way open relationship this whole time. I characterize it that way because when someone cheats and there are no consequences (you stay), they have ZERO reason to not cheat again. You've implicitly given him permission to continue to cheat by staying. Yours has never been the marriage you were wanting it to be, you've been surviving on hopium and self-delusion.

Is it possible that you had this affair because you're so miserable being humiliated and lied to over and over that you're subconsciously sabotaging this mess of a relationship as a way to get out of it?

I think you should tell your "husband" that you want a divorce because of all of his affairs. When he feeds you the standard cheater lines about "I can change, it won't happen again, it's all your imagination, it's different with you because I luuuurrrve you, you did it too," tell him you've heard it all before and you're done. And that is the best thing that could happen for you. This is destroying your self esteem and your sense of self worth to the point where you have done something you know is wrong, something out of character for you and something that's making you feel WORSE about yourself. RUN. TODAY.

You're an adult. You can and should take care of yourself. It will do wonders to repair your self esteem to be independent.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Due to the fact that the OP hasn't been back to TAM for nearly a year, Zombie Cat has decided that this thread must be closed for future replies.


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