# Confused



## meadenurse (Aug 9, 2011)

I have been married for almost 6 years and have a 2 yr old and 3 1/2 yr old boys. My husband has put me through a lot in our marriage (not coming home after work until 2 or 3 in the morning all the time not answering his phone, one time came home at 6 am, then one day (after a night out like that), I asked him where he was and he told me some random bar, but after checking online our bank statement I saw he used the debit card at a strip club and spent $500! Most of this stuff happened while I was pregnant, I had to bail him out of jail for a DUI while I was 8 months pregnant...most of my first pregnancy I spent sitting up at night crying because I didn't know where he was or if he was dead or with someone else....his latest was about a month ago, he blew me off again (we had plans with the kids) and didn't come home after work (gets off at 3:30) until about 9pm and was completely wasted, couldn't even stand up straigt, when I tried to talk to him (while holding my 3 year old) he was stumbling around telling me to shut the f*%&$ up. The next weekend I told him I wanted him to leave, then he started crying and I felt bad so I told him he didn't have to. He is telling me (like always) that he will not do it again. How do I believe him? I want to believe him because of the kids but can I? Now to the other part, a few months ago, I came in contact with a guy that I was in a relationship with about 21 years ago (when we were 16, I am 37 now), we dated for about 2 years back then, we were just kids, he was the first guy I ever slept with). Anyway, we started talking just on the computer, about our lives, he has a 16 year old daughter who was just diagnosed with cancer, I am a pediatric oncology nurse, we have a lot of interests in common, then we started talking on the phone. Now we talk every day. (he lives in a different state). We met up once and had drinks, first time we had seen each other in 21 years. It was like we hadn't ever been apart. It just seemed so right and natural. I have fallen back in love with him. It seems so crazy to even type it. How can I be married and be in love with someone else. I think about him all day, first thing when I wake up, if I wake up in the middle of the night...I can't stop thinking about him. He is the sweetest man I have ever met. All the things he says to me I have never had anyone say to me. Then we met one more time (only have seen each other twice so far), and we slept together. I feel terrible but at the same time I don't. He told me that if I want to work things out with my husband he would understand because he doesn't want me to be stressed out, and that if we do decide to get a divorce he will be here waiting for me....I don't know what to do....I just can't stop thinking about how my life would be with him.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Life is to short to live in chaos. It sounds like you both have checked out of the marriage. Someone needs to seek out the advice of a lawyer and get the ball rolling. It seems your choices are, for you to both stay and hope things will work out which they wont unless you both are 100 percent committed to the marriage. Or one of you leaves. Don't put your kids through a bunch of selfish crap. If its over, and beyond repair get out and get on with your life.


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## meadenurse (Aug 9, 2011)

I know you are right Jamison, but he does not want a divorce, he told me that. He told me he will change and not do those things anymore. He also obviously doesn't know I have slept with someone else or having an emotional relationship with someone else either. If he knew those things, he would definately end it. I feel like even if I never talk to this other person again, he will always be on my mind.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

Here is my opinion on the matter. 




It doesn't matter if he doesn't want a divorce...what do you want? You don't stay in a marriage because of kids and because its not what the other person wants..guess what happens then? You end up being even more unhappy and nothing gets resolved. 

I'm not saying divorce is the answer. I'm just saying if you or him either one do not want to 100% work on this, then end it. I do think you owe it to him to tell him what you did. So he then can make his own decision. If you choose not, then you are living a lie, and it will probably haunt you everyday. I also think if he finds out from someone else, it will be worse. 

You are welcome to sit back, and see if he changes. Its one thing to give another person a second chance to redeem themselves, and quite another for the same things to keep happening over and over again because its being allowed. 

My suggestion, both of you get into marriage counseling asap. That might be a good place to tell him about you sleeping with another person.


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## meadenurse (Aug 9, 2011)

I have recently asked him to go to marriage counseling. He said he doesn't need a third person telling him that he "made bad decisions", and that he thinks marriage counseling will make things worse. He gets very defensive when talking about things like this and he starts getting more and more angry so I am not sure if marriage counseling will work either but am willing to try at least to say that I tried. I also told him he needs to go to AA and he got very angry and said he doesn't have a problem he just made bad decisions. I would be terrified to tell him about my sleeping with someone else, he has kind of a short temper, plus he said if I ever cheated on him he would get custody of the kids (which I know he could not handle) but that scares me. Can infidelity make a judge give custody to the other parent? Does anyone know the answer to that? That is what I am most afraid of.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

meadenurse said:


> I have recently asked him to go to marriage counseling. He said he doesn't need a third person telling him that he "made bad decisions", and that he thinks marriage counseling will make things worse. He gets very defensive when talking about things like this and he starts getting more and more angry so I am not sure if marriage counseling will work either but am willing to try at least to say that I tried. I also told him he needs to go to AA and he got very angry and said he doesn't have a problem he just made bad decisions. I would be terrified to tell him about my sleeping with someone else, he has kind of a short temper, plus he said if I ever cheated on him he would get custody of the kids (which I know he could not handle) but that scares me. Can infidelity make a judge give custody to the other parent? Does anyone know the answer to that? That is what I am most afraid of.


Sounds bad all the way around. My husband is in AA has been for over two years. One thing you do not want to do is try to tell a person who has a drinking problem to seek help. 

If in fact he does have a drinking problem you will know soon enough because it will rear its ugly head again. Until he sees he has a problem and seeks help, there's not much you can do except take care of yourself. You might want to seek IC for yourself if he isn't willing to go to a MC. 

If you are committed to trying to work on things with him, and give him the benefit of the doubt, you need to drop ALL contact with this other person. It will not help anything, it will only cloud your judgement further.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Having an affair isn't going to resolve the problems in your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## meadenurse (Aug 9, 2011)

I know that having an affair is wrong. I never in a million years imagined I would be that kind of person. I have told him over the years that if he keeps doing the things hes doing and disrespecting me like that, that he is going to keep pushing me further and further away. I can't stop thinking about this other person. I can't help thinking that life would be better with this other person. I know that the grass isnt always greener on the other side, but isn't it sometimes? Isn't there someone out there that would treat me the way I feel I deserve to be treated? I have done nothing (throughout this marriage) but put my husband first, make him my priority. He meant everything to me. I made sure he had coffee every morning, made his lunch for him every day, made sure he had dinner every night (I work full time also) but I loved doing all this stuff for him and he just took it all for granted. I know these are little things but to me they were things that I could do to "take care" of him, let him know I love him......he has stripped all of those feelings away from me from the constant disrespect from the things hes done. I don't know for a fact that he has never cheated on me. All the signs were there that he had (not coming home for hours, not answering his phone, lying, drinking...etc) but of course he denies cheating. I guess in my own mind I thought well I really believe he did cheat (though no proof) so I thought well if I cheat then if he did I don't feel like such a fool. I know its rediculous, Im just so angry that I let him treat me like that for so long. He doesn't seem to think its anything to end the marriage over though.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ok so get a divorce. Problem resolved. Involving a third party isn't the answer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Dating other men is never a good thing for a marriage.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Frankly, I'm confused myself ... because I see no reason why you would stay in the he!! of a marriage your portray in your posts. Just my gut instincts, but at the very least, you have an alcoholic on your hands. Don't waste your time trying to convince him he is, or that he needs help. Addicts own their addictions and they must 'fess up and get help for themselves; nobody else can get them sober.

The fact that he stays out for hours without contacting you, would be enough for me to end it. Forget him crying and telling you he won't do it again. That is manipulation, pure and simple. And you are allowing yourself to be manipulated when you cave in and stay.

I don't know if you have sex with your husband or not, but I'd be checked for any and all STD's. 

You are already having an EA with your former bf. It has escalated to a sexual encounter. It's up to you, but perhaps you should find your own place to live and cool it somewhat with the OM. You don't need to jump from a rotten marriage into a serious relationship right away. You need time for just you and your kids.

Divorce is ugly, messy, and painful, regardless of how bad the marriage is. However, you are in a profession that allows you to be gainfully employed. It sounds like you could make it on your own. It also doesn't sound like your husband would fight you for custody (although he may just to play dirty). Sounds to me as if his extracurricular activities, whatever they may be, take up a great deal of his time. From what you post, it doesn't seem that he has a lot invested in being a good dad.

Perhaps you should make an appointment with an attorney to review your options.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

Get into some IC for yourself. Check out some Alanon meetings in your area. Get the book Co- Dependent No more, by Melody Beattie. It really sounds like you have lost yourself in your marriage by trying t be a caretaker to your husband. He has to fix himself, you can't. If you can not get this other man off your mind, then maybe you know what you need to do. Free yourself and your husband from the misery of his troubles and yours.


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