# Women & Orgasms..... How often?????



## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

I've had this conversations many times over and thought I'd post a different slant. 

I don't measure success by orgasms (more so intensity and enjoyment), but definitely it is very important to me that my spouse has one and if not, I consider the act for the most part a "failure". 

Now women can go on and tell you that an O is not the goal and sometimes not necessary, but let me ask you as women, how'd you feel if your partner reached the "finish line" let's say 50% or less? What if they had trouble getting hard (no medical issues), but insisted on pleasuring you and say having their "desserts" only a third as often as you do? 

Now of course if you are doing it 5X/wk+ (or multiple times in a day) maybe there are performance issues or reaching that point may not always happen, but for those having it 1-2X's/wk or less, if there is not an O, how would you react?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My GF and I have sex about 5x a week, and my orgasm rate is about 100% on the first go round, and probably 50% if we try for two (not very often). Her success rate is up in the 85+ I'd guess, and she often has multiples. And yes, she COULD be faking, I know. But since hers often involve squirting, at least those ones are hard to fake. I think. 

If one of us "misses"... I'd be concerned if her missing was a regular occurrence. I guess I would be for me too, if it was like half the time. But my pleasure is tightly bound to her pleasure, so I like to focus on her. . I think that she would be very concerned/unhappy if I only came 50% of the time, as I would be if she only came that often. Most of the times she misses is due either to time constraints or being an awkward time of the month.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

have--

i know what you are getting at...my husband and i had this very conversation about a month ago. he just didnt understand why i would have sex without the payout. and if i didnt have a pay out, what was he doing.

i really offer no other explaination other than, i am different, i dont orgasm more than 2/3 times a year. i do like sex and sexual activity. i enjoy nothing more than the pure act of sex.

that is my pay off. yes an orgasm is nice, but i like touching and being touched. there is nothing wrong with me medically. i am just born this way...my g-spot is farther back, and maybe having kids young also aided in it happening less often.

if i didnt like sex i would not particapate in it. its the closeness...it still feels good it doesnt change how i feel or the feeling of having sex.

that is my explaination, i hope it made sense. and if your wife says its ok, than its ok. just have fun anyways. its not a failure, you cant be so sensitive about it.

maybe try oral on her before actual sex. sometimes being so sensitive makes it happen again.


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## Ayla (Aug 24, 2011)

I like my orgasms and I have one almost always. I can still relate to not always needing to have one. Even when I don't have a definable "O" I feel pleasure. I don't know if I describe the feelings well but my "O" has a buildup and a climax...sometimes I can keep going and have multiplies. Sometimes one is all I get and I lose a little interest in the act. When I don't have a big "O" the intercourse still feels good to me. The best I can describe it is comparing it to having a deep itch scratched. No huge explosion but doesn't it feel really good when something you can't reach itches and you finally get someone to scratch it for you? Lol.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

Pandakiss said:


> have--
> 
> i know what you are getting at...my husband and i had this very conversation about a month ago. he just didnt understand why i would have sex without the payout. and if i didnt have a pay out, what was he doing.
> 
> ...


Does your spouse do oral? There are plenty of posts and articles stating that very few women have orgasms through penetration only. 

I enjoy plenty of touching and physical closeness/intimacy, but that is not sex and there is no need for the act if you just want to be loving with your spouse.

But geez only 2-3X's/yr!!!!! Of course there are people here for whom the idea of having sex 2-3/yr is pretty good.......


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> Does your spouse do oral? There are plenty of posts and articles stating that very few women have orgasms through penetration only.
> 
> I enjoy plenty of touching and physical closeness/intimacy, but that is not sex and there is no need for the act if you just want to be loving with your spouse.
> 
> But geez only 2-3X's/yr!!!!! Of course there are people here for whom the idea of having sex 2-3/yr is pretty good.......


We have sex often I was just saying I only reach the big O a few times a year. Yes we both do oral. I was just.saying that even though I only have the big one a small portion of the time i do enjoy sex. It's not all about that. It's time spent. 

Sex doesn't equal orgasm for me personally.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

Pandakiss said:


> We have sex often I was just saying I only reach the big O a few times a year. Yes we both do oral. I was just.saying that even though I only have the big one a small portion of the time i do enjoy sex. It's not all about that. It's time spent.
> 
> Sex doesn't equal orgasm for me personally.


Well it does for men......

Interesting perspective, but I was looking for more answers from men and how women would react if their partner did not cum.


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## Ayla (Aug 24, 2011)

My dh rarely orgasms from bjs but he still loves them. I've tried for years and have asked him how he likes it and I do my best but even after 20mins or more he will not orgasm. At one point I was hyper-focused on making him cum. I would feel like maybe I'm giving him bad head? I would ask all the time if he liked it? What could I do to make him cum? He always reassured me he loved the bjs but I always had my doubts until I decided to look at things differently. Giving oral feels good to me but it's for him so let him enjoy it the way he likes. If it makes him feel good to get a long bj without ejaculating it's fine with me. I can tell he loves my bjs because he likes me to do it everytime we have sex. I can tell he loves it because he stays hard and we have great sex after we give each other oral. So I've let go of the need to make him ejaculate from oral. His lack of orgasm does not affect my desire to give him bjs. If you are attuned to what stimulates your wife and both of you are O.k with the frequency then maybe she really is satisfied.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

We have sex probably 5-6 times a week and I orgasm maybe 3 or 4 times.

I don't care or mind.  I do love sex...but my focus isn't orgasms.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I orgasm every time if I want to. 

Women can't just rely on their men to achieve their orgasms, they themselves have to do some work. 

If a woman relies on her man to achieve orgasms, then very often she can't have orgasms, because her man may not know the trick and can't last that long. 

When I want to cum, I tighten my p***y muscle, rub my clit against my husband's c**k, and think about dirty images in my mind. It takes me only two or three minutes to orgasm. 

Please help your wife find the easiest way for her to orgasm. I guess different women achieve their orgasms in different way. 

It is wonderful when you two explore sexual pleasure together.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

greenpearl said:


> I orgasm every time if I want to.
> 
> Women can't just rely on their men to achieve their orgasms, they themselves have to do some work.
> 
> ...


I think the key here is communication. Listening to your wife to figure out what you can do to help her reach orgasm. Listening to your wife to know when she wants to reach orgasm. 

My wife is a the lower drive. If I left her alone, she would have sex every 10-14 days if up to her. But between my flirting and playing with her through the day, and her knowing it is important to me, we have it much more often. But sometimes, she realizes it just is not going to happen, so she lets me know and we go with it. As difficult as it is to get my mind around it, I trust her when she says that closeness of sex is important and that an orgasm is not always needed.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

that_girl said:


> We have sex probably 5-6 times a week and I orgasm maybe 3 or 4 times.
> 
> I don't care or mind.  I do love sex...but my focus isn't orgasms.


But you have a very active sex life, so yes I can understand it, but then the question is why not slow down to 3-4X's/wk, which is still very active and hit 100%. Is that 1-2 extra that important? 

I understand a surprise BJ or something as a change of pace or surprise.

Still not sure if my original question has been answered.


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## Wantsmore (Sep 13, 2011)

My wife told me the other day she doesn't like to orgasm every time we have sex. I found that odd. But her explanation of it isn't necessary for her to cum every time and sometimes she enjoys the build up more then the release some times.


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

It seems the OP is asking women how they'd feel if their man - not them - only O'd 50% of the time.

I'm about there - 1/2 the time I cum, 1/2 the time I don't.
It bothers the GF. 

I could go every time but it may take up to an hour. It's been like that since I was 13 and started masturbating. Hmph.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

Wantsmore said:


> My wife told me the other day she doesn't like to orgasm every time we have sex. I found that odd. But her explanation of it isn't necessary for her to cum every time and sometimes she enjoys the build up more then the release some times.


And if the shoe is on the other foot and you told your wife that you only want to orgasm 50% of the time, would she be bothered or upset? Now of course if you are having too much sex, maybe you just can't do it too much.

My point is that a woman not orgasming is expected at times and understood for the most part. Is the opposite okay?

I remember the first Bachelorette Tristan admitting she had never orgasmed. She is the one in that silly series married happily with kids (she was on the cover of Us or People last week) and I always wonder if this "problem" was solved.

I don't care how much fun sex is, if my spouse hasn't had hers I am not fulfilled and happy.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

All I know is that my H and I look at and experience orgasms in very different ways. Part of our marriage 'journey' has been to be able to accept and work with these differences.

When we each looked at the other as being somehow wrong, different, or defective we would drift apart in our intimacy. When we learned to look at our differences as an opportunity to learn more about the other and in turn ourselves, we come (no pun intended ) closer together. Trying not to measure the other with our own specific yardstick and continually finding them lacking has done wonders for us. 

For one thing, my H has never had any problems with achieving an orgasm relatively easily. So, if he started to have problems, then I would know that there may be a problem somewhere that we should explore as it would be out of the ordinary for him. If it got to the point where he could no longer have one, I would try my best to fulfill him and show him my love in other ways.

And I, on the other hand, have never had as easy of a time achieving an orgasm - it requires a lot more work and preparation on both our sides. I'm pretty sure if they were as easy for me as for him, he would be more than delighted and not look a gifthorse in the mouth.  But, since they are more difficult for me, the other aspects of intimacy - the closeness, the feel of him, feeling his O, just feeling him breathe and shake - the emotions involved in all of it are fulfilling to me, and in turn and in time they have also been fulfilling to him. He seems to be at the point where he is enjoying the whole event now, and just not the finale. 

I think that in women, they have to learn how to achieve an O (and for some it still is not easy or quick or particularly satisfying per the amount of effort required), whereas in the average man it is more of a given.

Long story short - I don't think you should even compare. I think you should learn about your partner, accept your partner, and enjoy each other in whatever capacity your bodies may be capable of at that moment.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

For those having it 1-2X's/wk or less, if there is not an O, how would you react? 

Yes, it would bother me, and I understand your point. However, hormones for men and women are very different. I think that women would love to orgasm as often as men do, but we are wired very differently.

The most important sexual organ is the brain. Women must conjure sexy images in order to become aroused enough to orgasm. Men do this naturally, but we women have to understand that we must feel sexy in order to become aroused.

Some women do not understand how their bodies work because they have never masturbated. Clitoral orgasms are much more common than vaginal ones, and women need to communicate this to their husbands. 

It sounds silly to type this, but I have had occasions when I have masturbated but could not reach the big O. Wrong time of the month for my hormones? I do not know the answer, but it may help explain why we sometimes have trouble finishing.

Be patient with your wife. Tell her you want love-making to be mutually pleasurable. Do not rush her. If she says she cannot finish, accept that. But be sure that she knows how her body works, and pay attention when she indicates what she would like from you.

She may be embarassed to admit that she does not know how to orgasm. Create an atmosphere of acceptance and mutual exploration so she can learn how to become aroused and finish.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

lovesherman said:


> For those having it 1-2X's/wk or less, if there is not an O, how would you react?
> 
> Yes, it would bother me, and I understand your point. However, hormones for men and women are very different. I think that women would love to orgasm as often as men do, but we are wired very differently.
> 
> ...


This is not about me, just a reaction to what I have read before from others and specific to someone who has a very good loving sex life, but O's are not common for the spouse. 

I asked as men who have spouse's who are not as orgasmic seem okay with the situation and can certainly rationalize it, whereas I imagine a woman would not. And yes her orgasm is of paramount importance to me and completes a very good coupling. If it is just me getting off, it has been a long time since I can remember it being really good for me. The pleasure is feeling her convulse and in the throws of a good O.....


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## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

I notice how the ladies are saying the focus isn't to orgasm, kinda counter productive if you ask me. however, I wonder what they would think if their men only came 1/2 the time, if that same reasoning would apply?


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## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

And to the poster relating the experience to the itch being scratched. Isn't the purpose of scratching the itch is for it to stop (Finish/reaching the O), otherwise, your just left with a lingering, lesser itch. That would drive me nuts.


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## monkeyface (Dec 2, 2011)

To answer the OP's question...

I would be hurt.  We, like you, only have sex every week or two, and on the handful of occasions when hubby couldn't finish I took it personally and felt like I was doing something wrong. He vehemently denied that it was because of me, and that he really wanted to but just couldn't...but I still felt like I had somehow failed.

If it happened 50% of the time I think my self esteem would plummet.  Sorry.


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

So I suppose that leaves my wife and I in a total disaster zone. I currently don't ejaculate during penetrative sex and she never gives me any indication that she has orgasms - I assume she never has any. In approx 7 years without any contraceptives being used there has been no chance of her getting pregnant.


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

monkeyface said:


> To answer the OP's question...
> 
> I would be hurt.  We, like you, only have sex every week or two, and on the handful of occasions when hubby couldn't finish I took it personally and felt like I was doing something wrong. He vehemently denied that it was because of me, and that he really wanted to but just couldn't...but I still felt like I had somehow failed.
> 
> If it happened 50% of the time I think my self esteem would plummet.  Sorry.


I feel bad now. I probably orgasm 50%-75% of the time.
GF is at about the same rate - but she seems hurt by it and I've learned to accept it. Society tells us that women who don't O 100% are normal and men who don't are not. 

I had an ex who was about 100% so maybe I'm spoiled as to the female response. She also was unhappy about my frequency/lack thereof.


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## Debbie Roxs (Dec 30, 2011)

It seems the feedback is... everyone is different, both men and women. Communication is the key. I know when I'm not in the mood and he is I do not want to work at it for hours, so I just let him know it's for him and he gives me a half hour back-rub ahead of time. (Sometimes that gets me in the mood) 
Some things that help get me in the mood are long bubble baths, candles, the right music and back rubs.
I feel we women sometimes feel pressured to have the big O everytime. Don't get me wrong I would feel cheated if I didn't have one most of the time.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

mikeydread1982 said:


> I notice how the ladies are saying the focus isn't to orgasm, kinda counter productive if you ask me. however, I wonder what they would think if their men only came 1/2 the time, if that same reasoning would apply?


Why? I am sexually satisfied. I feel emotionally fulfilled. I don't fake orgasms.

So...what is your problem? My husband doesn't mind. We have lots of good, fulfilling sex, even if I don't orgasm every time.


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## anna garret 01 (Jan 22, 2012)

:


greenpearl said:


> I orgasm every time if I want to.
> 
> Women can't just rely on their men to achieve their orgasms, they themselves have to do some work.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I almost always have organsms. Multiple ones as much as possible. To me they are the end goal... but I like a lot of lead up to them.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

greenpearl said:


> I orgasm every time if I want to.
> 
> Women can't just rely on their men to achieve their orgasms, they themselves have to do some work.
> 
> ...


This is me too. I mean it feels great to have sex, but sometimes if I'm wanting to cum, and I'm having a difficult time truly letting myself go mentally, I have to let my mind wander. I have to take matters into my own hands, mind, whatever it takes to cum . But then other times it takes a draft of air on my clit to cum. And there are the times I can let him know it just isn't happening tonight 

If my H didn't cum, I wouldn't be offended. He communicates the same way about it. We are a 1 to 2 week couple, but what I'm referring to above is what might happen during a spike.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

95% or more. We use foreplay before hand. I'm one to need multi orgasms to feel satisfied.lol. We usually reach them easily. It's a beautiful thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> I almost always have organsms. Multiple ones as much as possible. To me they are the end goal... but I like a lot of lead up to them.


Exactly..... Too often women don't think that way or feel consciously or subconsciously that it is some type of reward for the man.

If my spouse only hit 50%, then I wouldn't want sex as often and feel that I was not doing it for her. This would lead to long discussions and talk as to what is "wrong".


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> Exactly..... Too often women don't think that way or feel consciously or subconsciously that it is some type of reward for the man.
> 
> If my spouse only hit 50%, then I wouldn't want sex as often and feel that I was not doing it for her. This would lead to long discussions and talk as to what is "wrong".


That seems like a lot of pressure. If my H is horny and I simply am not, insert reason here, but its been a few days, and I know I should participate, I don't want the pressure of the big O. That's usually when I let him know I am not going to but I still would like to have sex (for him). He's never said no, I don't wanna have sex then . But I'm a low drive partner.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

Cherry said:


> That seems like a lot of pressure. If my H is horny and I simply am not, insert reason here, but its been a few days, and I know I should participate, I don't want the pressure of the big O. That's usually when I let him know I am not going to but I still would like to have sex (for him). He's never said no, I don't wanna have sex then . But I'm a low drive partner.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But the question comes back to how low is low????? Do you have orgasms only once every 2 weeks or @ a 25% success rate? I know it is hard to quantify, but there has to be a reasonable #. 

For me I agree that not many females (or males for that matter) can do it every day and have those highs that you experience when you've gone without a while..... I don't feel upset if my wife is not having multiple O's (but there are times she has and that really puts a smile on my face). 

As a LD partner, do you know why you are (or s that just a reasonable excuse to not have sex as often or O)? Have you tried o masturbate to see if you can O more? As a male I know if I want I can masturbate daily just to do it if I wanted to prove a point, but also know there would be diminishing returns and it would not be as good after a while). I really believe and this is just my opinion that having an O every 2-4 days (or 1 wk on the outside) is not that difficult a task or expectation and those that claim to be LD and do love their spouses are subconsciously withholding them.


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> Well it does for men......
> 
> Interesting perspective, but I was looking for more answers from men and how women would react if their partner did not cum.


Truth be told it has happened a few times where my husband did not cum and I'll be very honest...it felt like mission incomplete. Not that making love is a job with a required outcome but as a woman I want to know that I can fulfill his needs. Yes part of it is ego (I'd be lying if I didn't admit that ). No woman wants to think she can't keep her man happy. I am guessing most women would react in the same way a man does, feeling a bit of a failure. My husband told me the same thing you guys hear from us...it's ok honey, I still enjoyed it-being close to you is enough to make me happy. And like you guys it was nice to hear the words but I still didn't feel real good about it. I don't know why that is either because I don't always have an orgasm but I will tell you the same thing that has been mentioned. I enjoy it even without the orgasm, I enjoy the intimacy and I do still have pleasure without it. Hmmmm....yup, its ego.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> But the question comes back to how low is low????? Do you have orgasms only once every 2 weeks or @ a 25% success rate? I know it is hard to quantify, but there has to be a reasonable #.
> 
> For me I agree that not many females (or males for that matter) can do it every day and have those highs that you experience when you've gone without a while..... I don't feel upset if my wife is not having multiple O's (but there are times she has and that really puts a smile on my face).
> 
> As a LD partner, do you know why you are (or s that just a reasonable excuse to not have sex as often or O)? Have you tried o masturbate to see if you can O more? As a male I know if I want I can masturbate daily just to do it if I wanted to prove a point, but also know there would be diminishing returns and it would not be as good after a while). I really believe and this is just my opinion that having an O every 2-4 days (or 1 wk on the outside) is not that difficult a task or expectation and those that claim to be LD and do love their spouses are subconsciously withholding them.


We are at 1-2 times a week. If we stay at that number I O 100%. When there is a spike to that number, i.e. we have more free time, or my H is unusually horny, is when to goal is not about the O. 

I know what some of the things are contributing to my low drive, and some things I'm not so sure. I'm working through the things I can control . Only time will tell if success is achieved.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

Cherry said:


> We are at 1-2 times a week. If we stay at that number I O 100%. When there is a spike to that number, i.e. we have more free time, or my H is unusually horny, is when to goal is not about the O.
> 
> I know what some of the things are contributing to my low drive, and some things I'm not so sure. I'm working through the things I can control . Only time will tell if success is achieved.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I guess then I ask how old are you? My context is always middle age together 20 or so years. Obviously I must have LD too (spouse's much lower) as I think 2X/wk is pretty good (more during vacations or a good run). 

If you are of that demographic (above), I'd say you spouse is putting too much pressure on you and is unreasonable, unless you used to go at it for years at 4-6'Xs/wk and this is a change that does take getting used to.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> I guess then I ask how old are you? My context is always middle age together 20 or so years. Obviously I must have LD too (spouse's much lower) as I think 2X/wk is pretty good (more during vacations or a good run).
> 
> If you are of that demographic (above), I'd say you spouse is putting too much pressure on you and is unreasonable, unless you used to go at it for years at 4-6'Xs/wk and this is a change that does take getting used to.


 I'm 38, he's 37. My biggest complaint is my lack of drive. I just don't really get turned on... Once we start, I'm good. He doesn't really press for more than 2x/week... Use to, but he's settled in okay to the frequency. If he wants it more than that, he has to settle for non orgasmic sex on my end. Most times, it takes a lot of focus for me to cum. I've always been like that, even when I masturbate. 

I spent much of my life not giving a crap about the whole love and sex aspect, I never focused on me when I was with a man, I really only ever came by masturbating.... I would very much fake it when I was with other men. Certainly don't have to fake it with the hubby, I just really don't feel like focusing so much on my O when I know he just wants a quickie. Not saying I just lay there waiting for him to get his, it feels good any way you slice it, so I do benefit, just not with the big O 

Hopefully my drive will increase, so I can more easily get an orgasm quickly, but for now and as long as it can take me sometimes to cum, our schedule is working.


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

michzz said:


> Don't presume this. Some don't care.


I'm sorry, I know that's true...I should have said *I *don't want to think I can't make him happy...I absolutely do care!


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> I orgasm every time if I want to.
> 
> *Women can't just rely on their men to achieve their orgasms, they themselves have to do some work.
> 
> ...


If i relied on my husband to give me an O, it would never happen ever.. I have to do all the work, which isn't all that bad when we do have sex.

My H cums 100% of the time.


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## marriageinprogress (Jul 7, 2011)

My husband and I have sex 2 or 3x a week. I wouldn't mind more but my husband is happy with were we are at. 

My husband and I both have the big O 99% of the time. I know this is going to sound bad but I get frusterated if I don't have an O. I feel like it's wrong to get me all worked up and then not help me finish. I don't think my husband would appreciate me getting him close and then I hit and O and just stop having sex. That's just wrong in my opinion. 

So how often.... EVERYTIME :smthumbup:


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

HSTS,
I think we "bracket" the ends of the spectrum on this point. My W has sex (well the non-intercourse variety we are limited to) whenever I wish. I would estimate her rapture rate at about 50 percent averaged over the last year. 

She never flat out says "no", and very rarely asks me to wait until "tomorrow". While my cynical side tells me that she primarily connects with me to avoid "conflict", the truth is that she connects with me much more often (at least twice as much) as she knows I need her to. 

So my conclusion is that:
- She likes the closeness - and being the 100 percent focus of my attentions.
- She likes how the whole experience "feels" even when she doesn't reach the rapture.

Friday night I got home from a business trip. She offered to connect I gently suggested we spoon and watch tv. She insisted I put my head in her lap and gave me an hour back massage/back scratch combo. I was a bit turned on by the end of that. But it was late and we were both tired. Overall I rate the experience a 9. But ummm I didn't come. And in fact I was even a tiny bit turned on/frustrated. But I would do that night after night after night. On alternating nights though, her head would be in my lap and I would be doing the massaging....

So I am "guessing" that non orgasmic sex feels similar to her. She feels loved, and physically enjoys all the touch. Must be the reason she subtly invites me to initiate about half the time. 




Havesomethingtosay said:


> I've had this conversations many times over and thought I'd post a different slant.
> 
> I don't measure success by orgasms (more so intensity and enjoyment), but definitely it is very important to me that my spouse has one and if not, I consider the act for the most part a "failure".
> 
> ...


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## nicky1 (Jan 20, 2012)

sex for women is the whole thing from the first kiss,pre foreplay, foreplay and penetration sex, i think all women are different, some have lower orgasm thresholds than others, some just want the close intimate emotional time, the goal for men should not be the end result but the whole thing too, i dont think women judge how fulfilling making love is by if or how many times they orgasm, just how close emotionally they can get to the man, and the longer it takes for the man to get there the better it is for both.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Nicky,
This is exactly how it is for me - and I think for her. I love touching her. I can happily spend an hour doing the full body massage. In fact doing that is an end in itself for me. When she is tired or upset I gladly do that and we both know that is ALL we are going to be doing. Me pleasuring her, my fingers tingling, her relaxing and gradually getting sleepy. Me talking softly, telling her how beautiful she is and how good she feels to me. Love that. Sometimes great moments of intimacy aren't sex. Fine by me.





nicky1 said:


> sex for women is the whole thing from the first kiss,pre foreplay, foreplay and penetration sex, i think all women are different, some have lower orgasm thresholds than others, some just want the close intimate emotional time, the goal for men should not be the end result but the whole thing too, i dont think women judge how fulfilling making love is by if or how many times they orgasm, just how close emotionally they can get to the man, and the longer it takes for the man to get there the better it is for both.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> Nicky,
> This is exactly how it is for me - and I think for her. I love touching her. I can happily spend an hour doing the full body massage. In fact doing that is an end in itself for me. When she is tired or upset I gladly do that and we both know that is ALL we are going to be doing. Me pleasuring her, my fingers tingling, her relaxing and gradually getting sleepy. Me talking softly, telling her how beautiful she is and how good she feels to me. Love that. Sometimes great moments of intimacy aren't sex. Fine by me.


Yes we know mem11363 how wonderful your marriage and your language of love with your wife is. Really I'm very happy for you, but what you are discussing is not the question in this thread, just another place for you to post the the things you do (and your wife do) that symbolize your closeness. Congratulations, but it has nothing to do with the OP.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I don't know why you are so hostile to MEM. He is explaining why women may not always have the big O, and why that is OK. He was responding to the post before him, and threads often veer in different directions, just like conversations do.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

lovesherman said:


> I don't know why you are so hostile to MEM. He is explaining why women may not always have the big O, and why that is OK. He was responding to the post before him, and threads often veer in different directions, just like conversations do.


And that is fine and I know mem11363 is a caring, thoughtful decent person. I also have read many posts where he does repeat his bedtime & massage rituals and it is very sweet (really it is).

This was not a thread about intimacy & touching and your pre-sleep routine. I get what Nicky1 says and it has been said in 1,000`s of posts (and yes some men need it repeated over and over again to get it through our thick heads). I was asking women how they would react if the end goal (and yes in the vast majority of cases it is an orgasm) was seldom reached by the male (i.e. under 50% success rate with no medical issues). 

How would you feel if he just patted you on the head and said äll is good, I had a great time. I love the intimacy, but I don't need to orgasm more then 1X/wk or less.


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

I'd like to hear some more female voices about what the OP was asking - 

what's it like, to you, if the *man* doesn't cum from sex?


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

SoWhat said:


> I'd like to hear some more female voices about what the OP was asking -
> 
> what's it like, to you, if the *man* doesn't cum from sex?


And people seem to miss that and again go off on a tangent. And for men with non-orgasmic wives/GF's, are you okay with it?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

SoWhat said:


> I'd like to hear some more female voices about what the OP was asking -
> 
> what's it like, to you, if the *man* doesn't cum from sex?


I think it depends. It would depend on whether the man started out as always being orgasmic, and then it declined - especially if it declined abruptly. Since men are usually more readily orgasmic, a decline would make me feel that there might be an issue that needs to be addressed - such as a health problem if everything else is in the relationship is okay. Otherwise, I would consider whether there are some issues outside of sex going on in the relationship or in our lives that might need to be addressed.

If the man wasn't always that orgasmic to begin with - hard for me to imagine that scenario because my H has never been that way - but I hope that I would be mature enough to be able to communicate with him and understand that he's always been like that. It might be fun to try and experiment with different things to see if they make any difference, but ultimately, like they say - your O is really your own responsibility. You have to communicate about it.

It would also depend on age. As both men and women age things can sometimes take longer to happen - and sometimes end up not happening at all. So, if aging is involved, or general health conditions, or medications, then it wouldn't be a big deal to me.

So, for me personally, I would not take it as some kind of insult like I wasn't fulfilling him. I would want him to have one, but if it's just not in the cards and we're communicating about it, it wouldn't be a problem for me and I would still be attracted to him.

Thankfully, he has learned to be pretty accepting about me too. I have never been as easily orgasmic as he is. So, when we first got together, it took some time for me to be able to be more readily orgasmic. And it fluctuates a lot with my cycle and my health and my fatigue. If I am just totally fatigued, sometimes I just can't. Peri-menopause has also made it more difficult for me. And that's more a reflection on what is going on in my mind and/or body, than anything to do with him or my attraction to him.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> I think it depends. * It would depend on whether the man started out as always being orgasmic, and then it declined - especially if it declined abruptly. * Since men are usually more readily orgasmic, a decline would make me feel that there might be an issue that needs to be addressed - such as a health problem if everything else is in the relationship is okay. Otherwise, I would consider whether there are some issues outside of sex going on in the relationship or in our lives that might need to be addressed.
> 
> If the man wasn't always that orgasmic to begin with - hard for me to imagine that scenario because my H has never been that way - but I hope that I would be mature enough to be able to communicate with him and understand that he's always been like that. It might be fun to try and experiment with different things to see if they make any difference, but ultimately, like they say - your O is really your own responsibility. You have to communicate about it.
> 
> ...


Interesting, but I bolded the above. I've never heard of a male who started a relationship with problems. I am not talking impotence. I am talking being hard and not coming (and not psychological). Also again if highly sexual, which I will state as 4+X's/wk or multiple X's/day I can understand some periods where things do not work. 

I am talking simply, you have sex -3X's/wk or much less and it does not end in an orgasm, when you are working to that goal.


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## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Why? I am sexually satisfied. I feel *emotionally* fulfilled. I don't fake orgasms.
> 
> So...what is your problem? *My husband doesn't mind*. We have lots of good, fulfilling sex, even if I don't orgasm every time.


You're emotionally fulfilled because you have a good man that is there for you emotionally, has nothing to do with sex, that's a physical thing. You give the sex because you're emotionally fulfilled. Remember for men sex=emotions, women emotions=sex. And if your husband doesn't mind, then that's a whole other story. I'm not saying it is going to happen everytime, but don't give the facade that it's ok. And if you are then you're not sexually fulfilled.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Why? I am sexually satisfied. I feel emotionally fulfilled. I don't fake orgasms.
> 
> So...what is your problem? My husband doesn't mind. We have lots of good, fulfilling sex, even if I don't orgasm every time.


Is this because you are having too much sex? I will say it, a man definitely can get hard without completing the act, but that is because imo he has had too much sex and can't finish. 

I am naive to think that is the same thing for females?


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## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> Is this because you are having too much sex? I will say it, a man definitely can get hard without completing the act, but that is because imo he has had too much sex and can't finish.
> 
> I am naive to think that is the same thing for females?


Funny thing is, it may be a medical condition if the man doesn't O every time, but its quite alright if they don't...really?


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## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> I think it depends. It would depend on whether the man started out as always being orgasmic, and then it declined - especially if it declined abruptly. Since men are usually more readily orgasmic, a decline would make me feel that there might be an issue that needs to be addressed - such as a health problem if everything else is in the relationship is okay. Otherwise, I would consider whether there are some issues outside of sex going on in the relationship or in our lives that might need to be addressed.
> 
> If the man wasn't always that orgasmic to begin with - hard for me to imagine that scenario because my H has never been that way - but I hope that I would be mature enough to be able to communicate with him and understand that he's always been like that. It might be fun to try and experiment with different things to see if they make any difference, but ultimately, like they say - your O is really your own responsibility. You have to communicate about it.
> 
> ...


Readily orgasmic? right, I have my cum right at the tip ready to shoot at a moments notice. Laughable. Anyhow, it takes an hour or more for me to get mine, so that leaves the wife ample time to get several. I am not bashing you, but I find the whole "I am fulfilled" talk ito be dishonest. Then again...you may be the few people on earth satisfied by incompletion.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> Now women can go on and tell you that an O is not the goal and sometimes not necessary, but let me ask you as women, how'd you feel if your partner reached the "finish line" let's say 50% or less? What if they had trouble getting hard (no medical issues), but insisted on pleasuring you and say having their "desserts" only a third as often as you do?


I Have not read any of these replies, so please excuse me.... 

I remember the very 1st time my husband "didn't care" to get his (3 yrs ago) ... and I remember a sadness flushing over me, I didn't like it , didn't like it at all, it kinda took me by surprise. This was when My sex drive was through the roof, I wanted it every single day .... I was wearing him out , he was 45 at the time....It should have been understandable.... but it still saddened me, it is very important TO ME...that he gets the big bang, and he feels the same about me. 

This would happen about 2 times a month out of over 20 times, I learned to not take it personal and just realize he may be just a little more raring to go the next day -since he missed one. I could live with that, since my drive was higher at the time . 

I have never been a woman who didn't care about the Big "O"... if I didn't get it in the past, if he slipped & went too fast.... I would literally get  (not really) ....but he would have to do it again, I might jokingly pound him, and tell him I NEEDED that , damn it , then demand he is going to do it again...he didn't mind... back in those days, he could do it again. Now, he can't. 

I understand we shouldn't care THAT much about the orgasm ...many sex therapists say this.... but me & mine have talked about this a # of times and he always says "well.. that is all the FUN, who wouldn't want that!"....

I KNOW he would feel bad If I didn't get mine.... to the point of likely even getting depressed over it - if I struggled there, if I didn't care .... my pleasure means THAT much to him ...even more than his own... and well, I would probably be terribly bent out of shape if he didn't get his on a regular basis, I even feel I would loose some passion over it. 

Sorry, just being honest,...I want a man who can "CUM" and pant with me ....I want to know I have the power to bring him over the edge...every time or near every time. That is what I want, and that is what we enjoy. I do fear Menopause may throw a monkey wrench into this.... my husband says that will be very very sad.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I Have not read any of these replies, so please excuse me....
> 
> I remember the very 1st time my husband "didn't care" to get his (3 yrs ago) ... and I remember a sadness flushing over me, I didn't like it , didn't like it at all, it kinda took me by surprise. This was when My sex drive was through the roof, I wanted it every single day .... I was wearing him out , he was 45 at the time....It should have been understandable.... but it still saddened me, it is very important TO ME...that he gets the big bang, and he feels the same about me.
> 
> ...


Thanks for an honest response. Too many women are wishy washy. I was making the point that I feel guilty and responsible when my spouse doesn't get her (fortunately not often). Women often claim all is okay and they don't get theirs. I as a man feel really cnfused by the dynamic, thus I turned it around and asked what a woman would think if their partner couldn't orgasm and then patted them on the head and said "Okay, I had a great time anyway".....


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> Thanks for an honest response. Too many women are wishy washy. I was making the point that I feel guilty and responsible when my spouse doesn't get her (fortunately not often). Women often claim all is okay and they don't get theirs. I as a man feel really cnfused by the dynamic, thus I turned it around and asked what a woman would think if their partner couldn't orgasm and then patted them on the head and said "Okay, I had a great time anyway".....


One thing I have never been is "wish washy", I might have been stupid in my ignorance, but at the time, I could give a strong opinion on anything asked of me. Then...and now. 

I don't understand this, because I have not "lived it", but if one struggles to have an orgasm.....and women KNOW how important this is to a man....but yet they can not get there, it is a real predicament, isn't it. Noone wants to feel they are a problem, holding it all up.... hence why women fake it.... but I would feel this could lead to resentment on their part ? 

I have a female friend, she is 47, she told me she NEVER had one...ever.....she is single now, but was married at one time-for over 12 yrs... she has 3 kids... She doesn't feel she is missing anything because she never experienced one! But also, she is not a physical toucher at all, she could live the rest of her life without a man , it is not important to her. I can not relate to that unless someone gave me a brain overhaul. 

For me personally, there was only one time I didn't care to get mine.. .when I was trying to conceive, that is all I wanted was his sperm, once it was deposited, I felt I accomplished my goal.... and had a smile on my face. ...

.... I would imagine some women train themselves to look upon the sex act in this way, if they struggle with orgasms..feeling so long as their man is satisfied, they have accomplished their goal for the night , smile and now it is time to go to sleep. ??

I will never forget when I 1st stumbled upon a post where this young man was going out of his mind trying to get his GF to orgasm, I mean, he was looking into some drug to get her there.. here is the link ... girlfriend CANNOT ORGASM. killing my self esteem. does cyproheptadine work? - Sexual Health - General Message Board - HealthBoards It was wrecking his self esteem, heck I felt kinda bad for him ! 

It really tares some guys up. Us women would feel the same if the roles were reversed...probably even MORE SO -cause we are so damn emotional....we just experience that far far far less...and if we do, it is likely over the age of 40 -for our men, as their testosterone is slowly declining. 

I can relate a little to that...cause my husband is no longer that young stud raring to go, I have even teared up when his erections were lagging...I knew it wasn't ME....but it eats at you anyway...It just matters that we CAN bring our men there.....damn it matters ! Thank god for Viagra I say. My husband is a lower test guy. I wouldn't call it Ego, I would call it ....feeling the passion together. 

That's just my take.


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## Stryker (Feb 3, 2012)

Men infact can make babies even if they are 100 Plus...

The Libido of Men can be till the End of "Ages."...

Women , though are full of sensational "nerves" ,often lose the trigger or the aftermath of an O in the later Life "stAges.."


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

For me organism is always the goal. Why wouldn't it be?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> Is this because you are having too much sex? I will say it, a man definitely can get hard without completing the act, but that is because imo he has had too much sex and can't finish.
> 
> I am naive to think that is the same thing for females?


I have read that for females, the more sex they have the more they want and the more they can have an orgasm. For men it's the other way around.


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## Stryker (Feb 3, 2012)

The Physical Power goes out in Men as they lose health...yet for most of them , they have their Fluid System intact..

Women are on Reception..They are simply getting their pleasure from the Man's work out or even by themselves...whether Biologically "Paused" or not...They are ready to receive from The Studs...even from Old or Unhealthy ones..if they will do it for them..


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## Stryker (Feb 3, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I have read that for females, the more sex they have the more they want and the more they can have an orgasm. For men it's the other way around.



Thats why a Woman was in the Guinness Book of Records for the maximum number of Sex Partners in One SINgle day...( around 914 Men)


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## Stryker (Feb 3, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> For me *organism *is always the goal. Why wouldn't it be?


*ORGANISM..*??? :scratchhead:


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> Thanks for an honest response. Too many women are wishy washy. I was making the point that I feel guilty and responsible when my spouse doesn't get her (fortunately not often). Women often claim all is okay and they don't get theirs. I as a man feel really cnfused by the dynamic, thus I turned it around and asked what a woman would think if their partner couldn't orgasm and then patted them on the head and said "Okay, I had a great time anyway".....


I think people should just be flexible and fluid in their thinking. Women's sexuality, especially, is very fluid and dynamic and can be somewhat complex compared to a man's. It is often associated with more than just a single outcome like having an orgasm, and it often responds better to more of an overall 'experience' than a singular 'outcome'.

If you try and stuff that fluidity into a box labeled "must always achieve orgasm in order for act to be complete", then I think you may miss out on a LOT of what the EXPERIENCE of sex and sharing your sexuality has to offer. imho


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