# tired of being deceived and lied to!!



## confusedinindiana (Aug 30, 2012)

My husband and i have been married 14 years, have 3 children ages 11,7 and 3. I have caught him talking to exes etc in the past, and just recently, i made a fake social network page and within a week he was ready to meet this girl (me). when i confronted him, he said he knew it was me, but he changed his passwords to his social network account and had her (me) send emails to his work email account (which I dont have access to anyway). The emails he sent to her (me) tell me he was suspicious at first, then became comfortable. I am tired of being lied to and deceived, but we have 3 small kids... HELP!!!


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## Lab (Aug 28, 2012)

Are you willing to forgive him? At least you've confronted him, but now is the hard part. I think you have to make up your mind for yourself if you want the relationship to work. I don't think kids should be a deciding factor in whether a relationship stays together or not. If there are any other factors, you have to consider them though. 

kids are smart. If you stay in a relationship solely for them, then you won't be happy, and they will see that. Kids deserve to be in a loving family atmosphere, and if that doesn't exist, then the children will suffer. 

If you think that you can work through this, you have to put the incident behind you. Talk it through once, and forget it. But you have to make him earn your trust back some how. Gettiing into a fight, and bringing up the subject will likely make both of you bitter.

The most important thing is doing what is right for the kids, and that is being in a loving stable family environment. A loving one parent houshold is better than an unstable 2 parent household i think, So if you don't think you can trust him again, maybe a separation might be worth it. Otherwise start making him admit he's wrong and start earning your trust back. If he can't do that.......



That's my 2 cents. I hope it helps. Good luck


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

So he's done this before? You need to decide how much you're going to let him get away with before dumping his ass...Seriously. He's repeating the same thing over and over, but now he's actively looking for hookups. He'll continue as long as you let him get away with it. There needs to be consequences. I learned this the hard way.


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## confusedinindiana (Aug 30, 2012)

he hooked up with an ex a couple of years ago on a social network. she lives in washington, we live in indiana so i knew they would probably never meet, but he made a yahoo messenger etc to talk to her, and was texting/calling her on his way to work, on breaks etc. I also went through the porn thing.. he was looking up not so nice porn that was really offensive, and when caught .. swore he would never do it again, only to do it over and over again! If he is doing the things that I catch him at, what is he doing that I dont know about? I love him, but dont feel "in love" with him anymore.


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## confusedinindiana (Aug 30, 2012)

He hasnt actually went as far as talking about hooking up with anyone, or at least that i know of.. but i am almost tired of forgiving.. how many times does a woman need to forgive before she has had enough? not to mention, I have been a SAHM for 10 years and now I have no work history and I am almost 41 years old..so I cant find a job to support my kids.. so leaving right now just isnt an option, or at least I dont feel it is.


Lab said:


> Are you willing to forgive him? At least you've confronted him, but now is the hard part. I think you have to make up your mind for yourself if you want the relationship to work. I don't think kids should be a deciding factor in whether a relationship stays together or not. If there are any other factors, you have to consider them though.
> 
> kids are smart. If you stay in a relationship solely for them, then you won't be happy, and they will see that. Kids deserve to be in a loving family atmosphere, and if that doesn't exist, then the children will suffer.
> 
> ...


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Yes, and my husband kept on swearing he would stop, too...wasnt til I threw him out for a few days that he realized I was serious about NOT putting up with his BS. And I check up on him, too. Not the snoopy way anymore, I just come out and ask him about certain past behaviors, and how he's doing. I also reiterate that I STILL won't tolerate it. People will continue doing what they think they can get away with.


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## confusedinindiana (Aug 30, 2012)

I have left him 3 times because of stupid behavior and keep taking him back because I have become so insecure. Now I can't leave because I havent worked in 10 years and cant find a job to support my kids :/


CandieGirl said:


> Yes, and my husband kept on swearing he would stop, too...wasnt til I threw him out for a few days that he realized I was serious about NOT putting up with his BS. And I check up on him, too. Not the snoopy way anymore, I just come out and ask him about certain past behaviors, and how he's doing. I also reiterate that I STILL won't tolerate it. People will continue doing what they think they can get away with.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Your husband treats you like cr*p because he KNOWS you'll let him; he knows you'll take him back NO MATTER WHAT.

You're WRONG about not being able to make it. I was a SAHM for 10 years and left my STBXH. I was 55 y.o.! I have found a GREAT job! I enjoy MY life EVERY DAY now. I haven't missed his sorry azz AT ALL.

My STBXH told me women my age "are not in demand." Don't know if he meant socially or business-wise; either way, he was DEAD WRONG. I went to a couple of temp agencies and found a job. (Remember, I hadn't had a job in a decade, just like you.) I have had more men interested in me than I ever remember when I was younger. There IS LIFE OUT THERE after you leave the misery and unhappiness. You're just so deep into it, that you can't see a way out.

Remember, you ALONE do NOT have to support your kids. Your husband will be on the hook for 50% of their costs. So, get started on a job resume (looking up old addresses, phone numbers, dates of employment, former bosses; line up people willing to be a reference for you). Once school starts up (it already did where I used to live in Indiana), get an appointment at SEVERAL temp agencies and see what's available. Apply for ANYTHING that lets you put a current job on your resume (it doesn't have to be a job you want to keep for a year, just SOMETHING to show you're currently employed or employable).

Start doing something for YOU (a fitness or relaxation class, a free skills-building class, a seminar). Start looking around for resources to help you navigate the new life you're considering. Take a step at a time. Resolve to start THIS WEEK by taking just ONE step (read a book, pick up a brochure about a class or a program) to change your life. Set a goal for every week (resume whipped into shape, interview with a temp agency, inquire about Xmas holiday help, etc.)

Your life will change if YOU are determined to make it change. You have to start somewhere. I wish you GOOD LUCK and stamina to make a change for a better, happier life. I wish I had left my STBXH 10 years earlier than I did! I love my life because NOW I feel like I'm living whereas before I felt like I was just existing.


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## confusedinindiana (Aug 30, 2012)

Thank you so much for your time to respond and words of encouragement! Since I posted this ,I got an interview set up for today and I cannot wait!! I hope I get the job so much that I have goosebumps lol! As far as my husband, he is trying his best to turn on the charm, and I want to believe everything he says, but to be quite honest.. I just dont have it in me anymore to care. He has made my trust issues so bad that nothing he says.. nothing anybody could say, would make me believe a word coming from his mouth! The job interview is for 4pm to 1am (which is going to kinda suck because I will only see my girls in the mornings and on weekends) but I want this so bad that I am willing to make sacrifices! I will keep you posted on if I get the job, if I dont, I will be beating feet Tuesday to look for another one! :smthumbup:


SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Your husband treats you like cr*p because he KNOWS you'll let him; he knows you'll take him back NO MATTER WHAT.
> 
> You're WRONG about not being able to make it. I was a SAHM for 10 years and left my STBXH. I was 55 y.o.! I have found a GREAT job! I enjoy MY life EVERY DAY now. I haven't missed his sorry azz AT ALL.
> 
> ...


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

There is definitely hope: No you do NOT have to keep on forgiving. He is a habitual liar and cheat. Stand your ground and kick him out.

I was also a SAHM for 9 yrs. I had thought I had zero chance of landing a job. I even applied for service jobs, and nothing. I had my resume professionally done then started applying to jobs. I applied to a staffing agency, they called me in 3 wks later to interview then nothing. 2 weeks after that they call me and send me to an interview with a big company right near my home. I thought "what the heck"... Did my best and 2 days later they said I had the job. And its a GOOD job with good pay. Senior Admin Assistant to a Dept. Manager. I've been there 2 mths now.

I sent out so many resumes and applied for so many jobs and I just got lucky I guess. Keep trying and try to have some confidence in your abilities.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Slowlygettingwiser: Hurray for you! You were like me... It CAN be done. I agree staffing/temp agencies are the way to go to get your foot in the door. I am still shocked I got my job, considering 9 years without working. I love it. I love earning my own money and living my own life. 

Indiana: I know its a big step to take. Its huge but if you don't you'll be miserable for the rest of your life. He doesn't deserve you. My STBHX did the same thing, chasing ex GFs, secret female "friends", continual lies and treating me like an object.

You DON'T have to live like this. Think of the example your children are seeing.

I haven't even begun to think about dating, but in a year or two when I've worked through the pain and distrust I'll consider it. I want to spend my life with someone who really wants to be with me, likes me for me, and is not skirt-chasing bimbos to make himself feel like a man.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Hey, Confused in Indiana, haven't been on the boards in a while and am hoping that you have some GOOD NEWS to share with us!!! If you didn't get this job, don't worry, YOU WILL GET ONE. You will NOT BELIEVE how GOOD you'll feel when YOU start to take control of your life (instead of feeling victimized by your H.)

Hugs and good wishes from ME (and probably from Broken By This, too!!!)


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## confusedinindiana (Aug 30, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Hey, Confused in Indiana, haven't been on the boards in a while and am hoping that you have some GOOD NEWS to share with us!!! If you didn't get this job, don't worry, YOU WILL GET ONE. You will NOT BELIEVE how GOOD you'll feel when YOU start to take control of your life (instead of feeling victimized by your H.)
> 
> Hugs and good wishes from ME (and probably from Broken By This, too!!!)


I DID get a job.. I start This Thursday!! Now I can plan according.. he has been "soooo good" since I confronted him about the "fake facebook girl"! he swears he knew it was me.. but i really think he didn't at all!! there is NO way he would have said such hurtful things had he known it was me! Now, all I have to do is figure out how to help my children cope. It breaks my heart thinking they will hurt from me leaving.. but I have to think of my own mental wellness! I love him, but I don't feel in love with him or as connected as we were, simply because of all the stuff he has done.. and i DO want to believe he wont do this stuff again, but its happened too many times and I think I am just OVER it!


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