# Skiing with a friend while married



## Tomek (Dec 30, 2012)

Hello, i have been married for 7 years, our marriage has been up and down. Lately (past year or so) it's been pretty good. Yesterday i went out skiing with a female friend. We left early morning and came back mid evening. She knows us for about 7 years and she is our neighbour. Once in a while we go to her place and sometimes she comes over too. Week ago when i first told my wife about skiing with my friend she didn't like the idea but then found nothing wrong with it and said ok. My wife skiis too, but 3 months ago we had 2nd baby and she wants to skip this season. We can have babysitting arranged. ***When i came home from skiing my wife gave me hell. She totally flipped on me. Saying how i could have done it and that married man should not go with another woman anywhere (our friend is single). Later on that evening i found out that she talked to her sisters and some friends and they all agreed that what i did was totally wrong and unaccepatable. My question is: Is it wrong what i did? and more importantly my wife previously said - it's fine.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Can't believe you even asked to do that. She should have bopped you upside the head with a frying pan to knock some sense in you.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

A few things come to mind...

1. If it bothers her...no matter who put it in her head, then it bothers her. You have to understand that and deal with it. 

2. Having had a a baby 3 months ago, she may be a bit insecure about herself and about other women in general, even a friend. 

Sooooooooooo..... for the sake of your marriage, I'd say to talk to wife. Tell her that if it is a problem for her then so be it, it's a problem your marriage doesn't need. And an easy one to fix. Don't go skiing alone with this friend. Go with a group or with a male buddy. 

Some people think that opposite sex friendships are the kiss of death to a marriage. I don't think so, but if your wife does that's all that matters.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I would say it's somewhere between 100% and 110% wrong- leaning more towards the 110% area.

It's disrespectful to your wife, marriage and family for a start and shows to you where your true priorities really are. 

It also, and probably already has to some degree, sets up an emotional affair and the other shoe will probably drop at some point in time (if it hasn't already and you're not being honest).

Well anyway, good luck in your next marriage.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Wouldn't bother me, but I'm not your wife!

If it's WRONG to your wife, then *that's* what you deal with. 

If your wife said "okay" to it, then you REMIND HER that she said "okay" to it. Tell her you understand NOW that she is NO LONGER fine with the idea and will abide by her wishes, but that she has NO RIGHT to beat you up (verbally or emotionally) over going with the neighbor yesterday when SHE SPECIFICALLY SAID IT WAS OKAY!


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## Tomek (Dec 30, 2012)

Guys - thanks for your responses...
I personally don't think it's a bad idea ( i would have let my wife go skiing with male friend - if i couldn't and didn't want to go). Here's why i don't think it's a bad idea: My wife knows that friend for over 7 years. When she comes over - she spends most of the time with my wife. I am not atracted to her in any way and vice versa. She would never want anything to do with a married man. It was purly sport. I also play tennis - so i can only play tennis with male friends? sounds silly to me. I don't go to bars, clubs, etc. I don't even hang out often with my buddys (once every 2 or 3 months).


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

I'm a guy and I know it's wrong. It's one thing to go to say a lunch break with a coworker friend that's a girl because it's your break. It's a totally different thing to go out on a date, because that's what it is, with a girl who's single. Might as well have hooked up with her.


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## malkuth (Dec 28, 2012)

there is no way you can't know that it is wrong. 

I think you want to hear that it is not accepted wrong that one day when you find yourself had sex with her, you won't feel that guilty, thinkin "oh it suddenly happened :S". no other explanation for me.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Tomek said:


> Guys - thanks for your responses...
> *I personally don't think it's a bad idea ( i would have let my wife go skiing with male friend - if i couldn't and didn't want to go*). Here's why i don't think it's a bad idea: My wife knows that friend for over 7 years. When she comes over - she spends most of the time with my wife. I am not atracted to her in any way and vice versa. She would never want anything to do with a married man. *It was purly sport. I also play tennis - so i can only play tennis with male friends*? sounds silly to me. I don't go to bars, clubs, etc. I don't even hang out often with my buddys (once every 2 or 3 months).


First of all who plays tennis from early morning to mid evening? It does not require the same planning and time commitment. 

Second of all, it is not about the activity, it is about the amount of time spent together. 

The bonding with the opposite sex is what leads to the bad stuff. 

You should have a problem with your wife doing the same with a male friend. 

You are ignoring biology and chemistry if you conclude otherwise

Never do this again.


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## Tomek (Dec 30, 2012)

jtf >>> well of course i would not play tennis for the whole day. Maybe 2 to 3 hrs. But it seems that you see that is wrong as well. 
Time spent together - let me tell you this: 6 hrs is driving (to and from the ski resort), when skiing we are not close and we don't talk - therefore bonding it not really there. I could agree with you if i went to the beach or bar becuase that's bonding. but skiing - wearing thick jackets and skiing gear. Biology and Chemistry ??? LOL - maybe you or some of you jump in bed the sec you see another peace of ass. I love my wife and i would never hurt her that way. 

I accidently found this forum but it seems that there is a lot of insecured morons here. Married life is not a jail guys. I remember talking to psychologist: she said - a little time away from each other is actually good for the marraige. 

Anyway - My main concern was this: Since she said it was ok before i went - even if she changed her mind later - shouldn't we have a discussion about it? Instead she flips and yells and gives me hell. This is what i don't understand. That's not normal.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

Tomek-a lot of insecured morons here-very true.

As we all know men and women just can't be together at all without wanting to get busy[lol]I think some people here need to move to Saudi Arabia.

She like sking and you like sking so go have fun,you wife could have went and sat in the lodge ect .What else are her family members going to say,so you could not have won that and they most likely got her more upset and helped her change her mind]. 

I think you should say I am not skipping the season I can go less but I am still going and you can join me or not and the neighbor will also be going I am not a male ****.This is a control thing so stand your ground.


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## d4life (Nov 28, 2012)

Tomek said:


> Guys - thanks for your responses...
> I personally don't think it's a bad idea ( i would have let my wife go skiing with male friend - if i couldn't and didn't want to go). Here's why i don't think it's a bad idea: My wife knows that friend for over 7 years. When she comes over - she spends most of the time with my wife. I am not atracted to her in any way and vice versa. She would never want anything to do with a married man. It was purly sport. I also play tennis - so i can only play tennis with male friends? sounds silly to me. I don't go to bars, clubs, etc. I don't even hang out often with my buddys (once every 2 or 3 months).


Are you crazy? This was wrong on so many levels. Not only has she just recently had a baby, you were also with a single neighbor who is a female. YOU may not be attracted to her, but as a woman I TRUST NO OTHER WOMAN when it comes to being around my husband. Not only that, but you should not trust men around your wife either. 



You really are risking loosing a lot if you continue this behavior. 

Funny story. Years ago my husband and I both worked at a bank. He was over a loan dept and every now and then they would go out to repo a car or two. I was on maternity leave, and his employee had just gotten married. 

One night the guys from the bank decided to go on a "repo" trip, or so I was told. It got late, they were still not home and I received a phone all from the bride wondering where they were. She said they were going to a strip club.  She wanted to get in the car and drive there. She was beyond mad, I was beyond hurt.

Since this was just before we all had cell phones, and since my newborn was sleeping, I tried to calm her down and I told her I would call the club. So, I picked up the phone, I called and said I had a family emergency and I was looking for my husband, he was there with men in suits. The whole time I'm thinking he won't be there, but I was shocked when he came to the phone.  All I could say was "I was just checking to see where you were", and I hung up and called her back.

She was in tears, and I was pissed off! I told her to give them a few minutes, and after a minute or so I heard my husband pull up. He showed up with three other men to help defend him. :rofl: 

You know, my husband didn't really see how much that hurt me until that night. I guess he didn't realize what he was doing. The groom was in trouble too and the next day at work he told my husband he would never do that to his wife again. 

While they really didn't do anything to bad wrong in a mans eyes, it was hurtful to the wives. Out of respect for me, my husband has never done anything like that again. (As far as I know)

So, what I am trying to point out is while it may seem harmless to you, it still hurts her. If you love and respect her you will never do that again unless she is with you.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Tomek

I agree with you that it was ok to go as your wife had said it was ok. She should not have beat you up about it, but these things happen. Now she has changed her mind obviously that changes matters about skiing with the friend . 

Your wife is probably feeling insecure after having the baby. Hormones can play havoc. I remember my wife telling me afterwards that I should have just ignored what she said when she was pregnant. I wish I had known to do that at the time; it would have saved a heap of trouble.

I would go along with what your wife wants. She is more likely to be flexible in future if you give her the reassurance she seems to need at present that she will not be put in positions where she feels threatened.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Tomek said:


> I accidently found this forum but it seems that there is a lot of insecured morons here. Married life is not a jail guys. I remember talking to psychologist: she said - a little time away from each other is actually good for the marraige.


The people here are not " insecured morons" they are just people who have more experience with these sorts of things than you do. Frankly, the only one coming off as ignorant, is you, by making that statement. Married life is not a jail but it is about mutual respect and it seems like you don't have any for your wife, especially when you can't have your way. Yes, a little time away from a marriage is good, just not in the company of someone of the opposite sex.... did your crack psychologist say that? If not, then find another psychologist. May I suggest that you pick up the book "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass (a real psychologist).



Tomek said:


> Guys - thanks for your responses...
> I personally don't think it's a bad idea ( i would have let my wife go skiing with male friend - if i couldn't and didn't want to go). Here's why i don't think it's a bad idea: My wife knows that friend for over 7 years. When she comes over - she spends most of the time with my wife. I am not atracted to her in any way and vice versa. She would never want anything to do with a married man. It was purly sport. I also play tennis - so i can only play tennis with male friends? sounds silly to me. I don't go to bars, clubs, etc. I don't even hang out often with my buddys (once every 2 or 3 months).


You couldn't be more hopelessly wrong. It's been proven by research that men and women are "hard wired" to have sex; there is no such thing as just friends when it comes to the opposite sex. As long as the female wants to remain "just friends" it works, the minute there is any sexual interest on her part, the guy is going to be all over her. Your wife's reaction was an appropriate biological defense mechanism, she is protecting what is her's. Please tell me, honestly that with all the time you spent with this friend, you didn't once think what it would be like to get her in the sack; even if it entered your mind for only a second ... be honest. (if you answer no, I know you are lying).



Tomek said:


> Anyway - My main concern was this: Since she said it was ok before i went - even if she changed her mind later - shouldn't we have a discussion about it? Instead she flips and yells and gives me hell. This is what i don't understand. That's not normal.


If it makes your wife uncomfortable in any way, then you end all activities with this friend that has you alone with her ... period. Your wife's feelings are more important than your "personal freedom". And it doesn't matter that it took her all day to come to the conclusion that she didn't like you skiing alone with this woman, she doesn't like it and you should respect her wishes. Somehow I don't think it would be OK with you if she started hanging out all day or all night with some guy alone doing a sport while you are home with the kids.


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

Tomek said:


> jtf >>>
> 
> I accidently found this forum but it seems that there is a lot of insecured morons here. Married life is not a jail guys.



This comment is a direct result of you not hearing what you wanted to hear. If you don't want to hear the answer or already have a preconceived notion of the answer you want - why ask?

If you truly feel you are in the right on this, then you wouldn't have 'accidentally' found this site. What you're looking for are other ways to defend your actions to your wife. There aren't any...... 

Have to ask......instead of you skiing with your neighbor; why didn't you offer to stay home with the kids and allow your wife to go skiing with her instead? That probably would have went over a little better.


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## ARF (Jan 26, 2011)

Tomek: You asked for advice. Don't become insulting because the opinions you are getting aren't what you wanna hear.

Your wife shouldn't have flipped out on you if she gave you permission but does have the rigght to her feelings. Cut her some slack. She spent the whole day at home with your new baby while you had fun with a female friend.


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## BrookeT (Nov 3, 2012)

Generally, the only acceptable time a married man should be doing any activity with another woman is if your wife is also attending. 

Me thinks your neighbor might have a little more interest in your than just friends. She should have known this wasn't a good idea.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

No tomek is right you do sound like a bunch of morons.

First of all its not ok for his wife to give the ok to something and then later change her mind about it and go nuts on him when he gets home. If she doesn't want to let him do it next time its one thing. But her behavior makes her seem untrustworthy and unstable.

Second skiing can be a dangerous sport. Skiing with a partner is much more safe, especially if you are an aggressive skiier. Let's not forget the OP has a newborn and if I was his wife I would prefer for him not to be skiing alone.

Third, yes there are risks associated with spending a lot of time with someone of the opposite sex doing anything. What is important is that you are aware of those risks and you protect against them. It's not reasonable to avoid socializing with the opposite sex completely just because you are married. Men and women can't go skiing or play golf together? I guess I should also avoid women as investors, partners, or customers as well.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Your wife told you to go. Then she had all day to think about it. Imagining you and a single girl laughing and having a good time together. As the day went on she became increasingly uncomfortable with the idea of another woman having a good time with her husband. So, she fllipped.

How did you react when she told you she didn't like it. The conversation should have gone like this.

Wife: Husband I was very uncomfortable with you skiing with another woman alone today.
Husband: I'm sorry. I didn't realize you would be uncomfortable with it.
Wife: I didn't either until you went.
Husband: Now that I know you're uncomfortable with those situations I won't to it again. I realize that it's just because you love me and are trying to protect our marriage. Let's try to get a babysitter on this date so you and I can go.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

east2west said:


> No tomek is right you do sound like a bunch of morons.
> 
> First of all its not ok for his wife to give the ok to something and then later change her mind about it and go nuts on him when he gets home. If she doesn't want to let him do it next time its one thing. But her behavior makes her seem untrustworthy and unstable.
> 
> ...


That's just ridiculous.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> That's just ridiculous.


Really which part?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

east2west said:


> Really which part?


I don't have time to go through it now because I'm leaving the house for the day. Let's just say your first statement shows how little you know about the subject. Second, danger in Skiing does not require a female partner, find a guy if your that concerned about safety. Third his wife is not unstable, that's just dumb. She had second thoughts. Additionally she objected at first and then conceded ... I'd like to hear more about that.

More tonight.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

Well, I for one believe that people's words ought to carry some weight. If you say you are ok with something you should not go back on your word. If you do that you lack credibility. How can I trust you or take anything you say seriously?


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Tomek said:


> Week ago when i first told my wife about skiing with my friend she didn't like the idea but then found nothing wrong with it and said ok.


This is your problem right here. She didn't want you to go. I don't know why she changed her mind and said yes. Did you push her? Did she second-guess herself because she's insecure, and was afraid that it would be too controlling to say no? I of course don't know, but I think you should find out. I think you should apologize for not accepting her discomfort and going anyway, but also make it clear that you really did think it was ok with her at the time and you weren't trying to hurt her.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Tomek said:


> Guys - thanks for your responses...
> I personally don't think it's a bad idea ( i would have let my wife go skiing with male friend - if i couldn't and didn't want to go). Here's why i don't think it's a bad idea: My wife knows that friend for over 7 years. When she comes over - she spends most of the time with my wife. I am not atracted to her in any way and vice versa. She would never want anything to do with a married man. It was purly sport. I also play tennis - so i can only play tennis with male friends? sounds silly to me. I don't go to bars, clubs, etc. I don't even hang out often with my buddys (once every 2 or 3 months).


You can come up with all the excuses you may want to, but it never makes it right. I do understand you want to have your cake and eat it too, but why neglect your wife and family like this?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

east2west said:


> Well, I for one believe that people's words ought to carry some weight. If you say you are ok with something you should not go back on your word. If you do that you lack credibility. How can I trust you or take anything you say seriously?


well his W's first reaction was that she wasn't ok with it, sounds like he asked her for more explanation why she was uncomfortable (with her husband spending ALL day driving and skiing, both activities which I personally find very bonding with friends I've had, as well as physical which produces a lot of endorphins) but then she either relented to him or else turned it into a fitness test (which explains the harsh negative response when he returned).

I don't know the exact nature of the relationship between all three people involved here, but it would be quite reasonable for her to have said no and stuck with it - so it is clear that the W had a hard time enforcing her boundary. It also would have went a long way if the OP would have read into the nonverbal communication and realized his W WAS telling him no so he could have respected the boundary she probably wanted to put up... but you are correct to a large degree, verbal words of agreement trump nonverbal cues, but sometimes it comes to a choice of being happy vs being right.

But atleast out of all of this, the OP now knows his W's boundary, so should be willing to respect it and next time he has the opportunity to spend a day living it up with this other chick he can turn it down, and next time he plans a ski day he can do it in the company of his guy friends.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Tomek said:


> Guys - thanks for your responses...
> I personally don't think it's a bad idea ( i would have let my wife go skiing with male friend - if i couldn't and didn't want to go). Here's why i don't think it's a bad idea: My wife knows that friend for over 7 years. When she comes over - she spends most of the time with my wife. I am not atracted to her in any way and vice versa. She would never want anything to do with a married man. It was purly sport. I also play tennis - so i can only play tennis with male friends? sounds silly to me. I don't go to bars, clubs, etc. I don't even hang out often with my buddys (once every 2 or 3 months).


Yes it was wrong and you should know better. And if you would let your wife go skiiing with a single man then you are more of an idiot that I first thought. You need to work on your boundaries asap.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Tomek said:


> jtf >>> well of course i would not play tennis for the whole day. Maybe 2 to 3 hrs. But it seems that you see that is wrong as well.
> Time spent together - let me tell you this: 6 hrs is driving (to and from the ski resort), when skiing we are not close and we don't talk - therefore bonding it not really there. I could agree with you if i went to the beach or bar becuase that's bonding. but skiing - wearing thick jackets and skiing gear. Biology and Chemistry ??? LOL - maybe you or some of you jump in bed the sec you see another peace of ass. I love my wife and i would never hurt her that way.
> 
> * I accidently found this forum but it seems that there is a lot of insecured morons here. Married life is not a jail guys. I remember talking to psychologist: she said - a little time away from each other is actually good for the marraige.*
> ...


Tomek, your ignorance of this subject would be comical if it wasn't going to eventually cost you your marriage. I suggest you educate yourself on the science of attraction, evolutionary biology and psychology and emotional affairs. It won't hurt you to look through this forum and click on the links. It is better that you arm yourself with knowledge and learn through other people's experiences. These things contradict the fairy tales we've been fed about the nature of relationships. I would rather deal with the world as it is, not the one i wish existed. If you don't, you'll be back here on purpose. I wish you luck because with your attitude you and your wife are going to need it.


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