# Am I wasting my time



## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Hi everyone

i am back again after a few months of trying to sort out my life.

Well I just wish things were getting easier. For those of you with a good memory you will remember my post from earlier in the year when i had the old ' i love you but I am not in love with you' after 21 years of marriage. It turned out he had been in contact with his first love and been emailing and texting her without my knowledge.

Well to cut a very long and painful story short he stopped contact with her and is still at home. we agreed that we would try and make things work. He is currently receiving treatment foe severe depression and PTSD so these have had a great impact on us both.

Well I suppose the title of my thread says it all how long do i keep going. This all started 7 months ago and my H still says he feels detached from me. The psychologist and everyone else has tried to explain that this may be down to his mental health and the meds he is on, but he cannot see this. 

We are getting on great,have been away twice, but if I ask him how he feels about me he says he doesn't know and still wont commit to our relationship continuing in the future.

I don't know how much longer I can keep living in limbo. He originally told me our marriage was over with absolutely no discussion and i suppose i am just waiting till he does the same thing again. I am finding it so tough I don't know what to do.


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## Weathered (Dec 15, 2009)

Indecisiveness such as this would leave anyone wondering why they should stay. I can relate as my own wife exhibits strong traits of such apathy towards our marriage and yet has not pursued divorce.

What goes against you simply leaving is the fact that you 'get along great'. There's obviously something in the relationship that's still alive and giving hope. Of course, any mental illness, and the treatment of them, will dull his persona/mood and make it difficult to ascertain his true feelings.

What I think he needs at this stage is optimal management of his depression and PTSD. Once it is clear these have been dealt with the best way possible, it'll then be the best representation of his true feelings.

Hope it works out for you.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

thanks for that Weathered. I am wholeheartedly supporting H in his treatment and this is what he wanted too. It seems to have been going on for so long now and it only seems to be me that is upset.

We go out, we sleep together and we go about daily life as a normal married couple. So you can imagine why I am wondering what an earth is going on.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It's pretty common to feel detached with PTSD and depression. I am willing to bet that he feels detached with most people in general. 

You seem committed to saving the marriage but want a time table. Hmmm. You know where I am going? There isn't one. 

I would consider not asking him about the relationship at this point. Let him work on himself. You do the same. He may not regain his feelings until you begin to walk away, then it may be too late for you.


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## spidergirl (Dec 18, 2009)

Hey mumof2,

I know how you're feeling, what I've learned is that the more you chase the man, the more superior he feels. If he knows that you're there waiting for him regardless of what he does, he'll look down on you and walk over you.

Ignore him, let him chase you. Best of luck, hope it all works out for you.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I don't think I am looking for a timetable as such. For 7 months now I have put H first, done what he wants and have almost been too scared to rock the boat.

When do I start putting myself first?? I have needs too and emotionally I am at such a low point. You are right that he is detached from everyone even the children, but I suppose I am just wondering when it will end!


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I would love more than anything some comfort and reassurance from the man I have been married to for over 20 years, but at the moment that isn't going to happen and it is breaking my heart.

He currently isn't the same man, I know that. I just want that man back, totally selfish maybe but I am not sure I can keep going like this.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I know how you feel MUM. That detachment is heartbreaking on it's on. To live with the man that you have known for 20 year (for me 29 years) and he isn't "available" anymore. 

He's not changing after 7 months. Have you thought about a separation? Not moving toward a divorce but a chance to heal and focus on yourself.


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## Weathered (Dec 15, 2009)

I hope you can work this out between you. Just be clear about the goals and objectives of separation if indeed you wish to pursue that course of action.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Well I have suggested separation , but H says that it is not what he wants right now. I am totally sure though in his current state of mind that if he moved out he wouldn't be bothered at all as he is so totally detached.

I asked him just a couple of weeks ago and he said he wanted this to work and home was where he wanted to be and he was committed to this. 

That all sounds great, but I feel as though I am living with a complete stranger who has absolutely no emotions at all. I am desperately trying not to put pressure on him as i know he is ill.


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## Weathered (Dec 15, 2009)

While you are away he does need to get his mind sorted out - whatever help there is around, he needs that to get better and for you to see change in your relationship.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Mumof2, 
Sounds so tough, patience is the hardest thing in the world.
Give him the time no matter how tough it gets, 21 years is a long time...you have decided together to work it out and build a new relationship, it may never be the same as before, work on a new you and a new kind of connection....
Just be understanding, when he finally works things out you will be so happy, he just isn't there yet.
Small steps, you can always leave if it doesn't work out.
It's worth it and so are you 2 as a couple....


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

Mumof2...

Based on your description of your H, I can definitely relate to how he might be feeling because I'm pretty detached myself. But where does the PTSD come from? Ex military?


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Yeah he is ex military, but the PTSD is as a result of a near fatal accident while serving many years ago.

He always said he didn't need anyone to talk to about it as he had me, but he wouldn't talk to me either so this has been brewing for years. So as you can imagine I have been patient for years!!

I so want things to work out but it is crippling me at the minute. I found Christmas so difficult. The thought of starting a new year with things the way they are doesnt bare thinking about.

My H says he enjoys my company, is with me all the time by his own choice. H finds me attractive still, we have great sex, but he says he doesn't know how he feels about me. I don't know what else to do. Do I keep going like this and just hope he thinks differently. I am seriously not sure I can give anymore of myself and not get anything in return.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Mum:

He may not want this separation but it may be in your best interest. Not a divorce but a separation. A chance to find himself and his happiness. A chance to find yours. You can date him if you both want but allowing space and time. 

7 months and the feeling of dread that you have...I'm not sure what to say. You have to keep yourself well.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Supporting him in his state is understandable, but that does not mean EVERYTHING is, or should be, about him! 

It sounds like you are living day-to-day in expectation of the other shoe dropping--why? Live for each day and let the future take care of itself. Neither of you knows what will happen down the road and worrying about it won't help, honestly. So think about what YOU need to enjoy each day--you need to respect yourself and your parenting, you need some fun, some challenges, some emotional support--and he's not "there" for the emotional support, right? So get it elsewhere! Give it to your self, go to your own counselor, talk to a trusted friend, write in a journal, whatever. Give yourself 15 minutes a day to get this need met, and then move on. 

And think about it: you are hurting b/c he isn't "there for you," and you are worrying b/c he may not "be there" for you in the future. It's the one thing you cannot have right now (and maybe never), yet you continue to get stuck on having it. Start right now in learning to live without it. Then, if you do get it, it's a "bonus" in your life--but honestly, it is not an "essential." You can be a perfectly happy person living a full life without his "comfort and reassurance." You SHOULD be a perfectly happy person regardless of whether or not you have his comfort and reassurance. Even in marriage, you cannot depend upon the other to make you happy, to make you feel secure--only YOU can provide that internal sense of joy and self-confidence that will, in turn, make you love another for what HE is, not for what he "does" or "gives" to you. Let go of "needing" something from him, and you will find a way to give it to yourself. You will be happier, no matter what, and I bet your newly found self-confidence and internal happiness will help him, too. Good luck and God bless.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Thanks for your reply.

I may not have made it totally clear, but it is my H who has put me on trial for want of a better word. 

He announced last year that he felt he didn't love me anymore, that our marriage was over and there was nothing I could do to change his mind. This all in the middle of him being diagnosed with severe depression and PTSD. But he still remains certain that this has nothing to do with his state of health, and he has said he will see how things go but if his feelings don't change then bye bye marriage. Our doctor, the psychologist , the psychiatrist have all tried to explain his numbness and emotional detachment but I don't think H wants to hear it. 

So I live every day with the uncertainty of wondering if this will be the day he comes home from work and says its over, with no discussion as he did before. I think that's what I find hardest. 

To everyone we appear to be a normal married couple. we get on better that we have done in years. If I could get rid of this sentence hanging over me i would be quite happy to just get on with my life. That is all really. I just want my life back.


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## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

mumof2 said:


> Yeah he is ex military, but the PTSD is as a result of a near fatal accident while serving many years ago.
> 
> He always said he didn't need anyone to talk to about it as he had me, but he wouldn't talk to me either so this has been brewing for years. So as you can imagine I have been patient for years!!
> 
> ...


I am a veteran of the United States Armed Forces, and I have served in a war. I can greatly relate to some of what he may have been through during his service to his country. It sounds like he really needs to seek some type of professional counseling. 

When I came back after my time in Kuwait and Iraq, I had to talk out many of the feelings that I've had from the things that I've done and seen. He needs to find the courage to help and deal with himself so that these issues can be worked out. If he is shutting this out, then it will only continue to fester.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

> I may not have made it totally clear, but it is my H who has put me on trial for want of a better word.


I was not clear. Your husband cannot put you on trial if you refuse to see your life and control of your life in that way. I understood exactly what you meant, and I'm telling you, you do NOT have to see the situation this way. 

He is suffering and the feeling that it will never go away is clearly the depression (I've been there and I know how that feels). You can choose to let his feelings and behaviors depress and frighten you, or you can choose to have sympathy for him, trust in his treatment to help him, while recognizing that you can live without his "acceptance," (comfort, support, etc.), that you can find joy and meaning in every day regardless of feeling sad for him and "missing" him, that you have a life that is separate from him and he cannot "make" you feel any way you choose NOT to feel. This is what cognitive behavioral therapy teaches, so find a CBT therapist and start taking care of yourself.

You are choosing to let his words put your life on hold. "I'll be ok if he decides he wants me; I'll be devastated if he decides he doesn't." Change how you think about this, and your feelings will change. I'm not saying you won't feel sad about his suffering, or maybe about losing him in your life, but you will NOT feel devastated, like your life is meaningless, and you will NOT feel like your life is "on hold" while he figures things out. You will be living fully and it may have a positive affect on him, too. Good luck and God bless.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

hi Dreaded_Soulja . Thanks for your input. I was so worried about my husband mental health that I went to our doctors and told him of my worries and when H had to go for a routine appointment the doc had a chat with him. 

As a result he was referred to a psychiatrist and has started CBT with a psychologist. He does seem happier in himself and his attitude towards me is improving. This is taking me ages to write through the tears.

I so want him to be well, and just get on with living, and even our doctor did warn me that it could take its toll on me too. I am a nurse myself and caring is what I do.

I suppose I feel if i try and get on with my life then it will feel as though i don't care about H, and i do so much. does that make sense


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

> I suppose I feel if i try and get on with my life then it will feel as though i don't care about H, and i do so much. does that make sense


It makes perfect sense that you feel that way-but it does not have to BE that way. You being unhappy does NOT help him in any possible way, and it could be detrimental (not sure about that) if he is adding to his own baggage, "and on top of it all, I'm hurting others, including my wife." 

Again, stop and think it through logically. How can you being happier mean you don't care about him? If he got cancer, would you feel you needed to have cancer too? Because he is miserable and depressed, must you be equally miserable and depressed? If the tables were turned and you were the one who was ill in some way, would you want him suffering anymore than the natural sadness he'd feel b/c he couldn't share your burden? Remember, you being unhappy does NOT mean he is any happier, just as your misery over his cancer (if that was his illness) would not make him have any less cancer. The two things are completely separate. Live your life fully, find sources of happiness and joy; comfort and love him--but do not wait, emotionally, for his "approval" or "acceptance" for you to have a meaningful life. That serves neither of you now when both of you would be better off if at least one of you was finding some joy in life. God bless.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I think I absolutely get it!!!

You are right and I just need to pull myself out of this hole I feel I am in at present. I really dont want to feel so down, but all recent events just feel like they have overwhelmed me.

I have to go into hospital soon and I really do need to concentrate on myself and thats what I intend to do. I will continue to support my H in his treatment and will continue to love him, but i cant predict the future (and neither can he) so I just need to get on with my life.

Well thats the theory of it all anyway. Practice is not always so easy but I am ready and willing.


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