# Worried about wife's mental state



## golf (Jun 29, 2009)

Let me start with a little background information. I am 30 and have been married for 8 years. Wife is 29 and we have a daughter who is 5. I have been unhappy with my marriage for some time. We got married at a young age and we have become totally separate people. She had become an introvert who frets about cleaning and organizing (the house is always perfectly clean). I am more outgoing, prefer a clean house but i believe it should be lived in. There are many many other things too. I am at the point where I want a divorce. I told her that i was unhappy and outlined why. She completely fell apart. She told me that she can't live without me and doesn't know what she would do without me. I told her that i would give the marriage another shot. But based on our track record, she will change for a short while and then things will revert back to normal within weeks or months. She has a family history with depression. She would rather be crazy then be on meds or see a shrink and does not want to do marriage counseling. I do love her and am worried that the divorce might be too much for her to handle. but i can't continue to sacrifice my happiness for hers. Advice?


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Get her evaluated...sounds like she might be depressed and possibly OCD...

It's not easy to live with someone like this but if you honor your commitment then you'll at least try to get her back to a stable state of mind.

It's possible she could be bipolar as well...and there are probably some codependent issues in this mess.

Talk to your GP about what's going on...

Blessed Be,
Preacher


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

golf said:


> I told her that i would give the marriage another shot. But based on our track record, she will change for a short while and then things will revert back to normal within weeks or months.


My advice would be to be very specific on her what giving the marriage a shot means to you. It shouldn't just be you not leaving, but that you are both taking certain action to get back on track that will last long term. If you want to be more social as a couple, you can help by organizing a few things along those lines. If she is serious about your marriage, she will either start participating or seek help if she feels she cannot (due to anxiety, etc.) 

A lot will depend on your state of mind as well...if you are mentally checked out but just giving her a chance for fear of her mental state, it will be difficult for you to encourage her and ease her into new things. If you can, go in with an open mind, don't bring the bar down just because it's easier (it will be hard at first) and look for gradual improvements over time and acknowledge her for them. Good luck.


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## golf (Jun 29, 2009)

swedish said:


> A lot will depend on your state of mind as well...if you are mentally checked out but just giving her a chance for fear of her mental state, it will be difficult for you to encourage her and ease her into new things. If you can, go in with an open mind, don't bring the bar down just because it's easier (it will be hard at first) and look for gradual improvements over time and acknowledge her for them. Good luck.


Thanks. I actually wanted to give it an honest chance because i still do love her and I think that i must give my marriage all I can before calling it quits. I try to encourage her better behavior and i know that she can't just flip a switch. I just think that she needs help well beyond what i can encourage and she won't seek outside help for it.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

When a marriage is having issues due to:

addictions
infidelities
mental health

I see no reason why one cannot stay on a _*conditional*_ basis:

i.e. "I will stay in this marriage IF you get mental health counseling (I will go with you, if you want) and work on your issues for a year (or two or whatever....)" etc....

The point is _not to allow oneself to become an enabler_ of self destructive behavior. A person with issues (mental health or otherwise) who does not actively seek help is self destructive behavior.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

:iagree:


golf said:


> I just think that she needs help well beyond what i can encourage and she won't seek outside help for it.


You are probably right and maybe now that you've told her how you feel she will take seeking help more seriously if she knows it's a deal-breaker.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Sandy 55 has great advice and I agree....

She also may be a bit scared to get help. It is often frightening to ask and receive help for many folks. 

This is a good step.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

golf said:


> She had become an introvert who frets about cleaning and organizing (the house is always perfectly clean). I am more outgoing, prefer a clean house but i believe it should be lived in. There are many many other things too. I am at the point where I want a divorce. I told her that i was unhappy and outlined why. She completely fell apart. She told me that she can't live without me and doesn't know what she would do without me. I told her that i would give the marriage another shot. But based on our track record, she will change for a short while and then things will revert back to normal within weeks or months. She has a family history with depression. She would rather be crazy then be on meds or see a shrink and does not want to do marriage counseling. I do love her and am worried that the divorce might be too much for her to handle. but i can't continue to sacrifice my happiness for hers. Advice?


sounds like my older sister. my sister is an nut case when it comes to keeping it clean. her oldest son wont touch anything. he freaks out if sand gets on his toes. she's obsessed because her second son was very, very sick for five years. the kid never slept. it traumatized her. She has ptsd from it all. Is there a reason your wife has turned obsessive and introverted? did something happen?

I dont really know how her husband handles her. they bicker a lot though.


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