# The Marriage Handbook



## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

The perfect marriage... A wonderland of understanding between partners. The feeling that it will never end. the complete and utter trust that cannot be breached no matter what. I can do what I want, she can do whatever she wants and we will meet in the middle and have a "Perfect Marriage".

Does this sound like the way YOU felt before you came here? I know I certainly thought that I had the perfect marriage... until it all fell apart and I watched the shattered bits and pieces of it raining down around my feet in a scene that felt like a clip from a bad Lifetime movie.

"We have the perfect marriage" my wife would say... "People covet the relationship we share because they have never had feelings like ours".

I heard these very words come out of the mouth of my wife just one-week before she informed me that she was going to seek a divorce.

"I had hoped to have the same feelings for you that you have for me, and I thought that I would have them one day, but I just don't love you like I should... I am not in love with you anymore and I don't think I have the ability to feel the way I once did for you."

Immediately, I was blind-sided! I NEVER saw this coming! Instead of flying off the handle, I knew that I wanted to change her mind, so I sat there and listened carefully as she hammered the knife further into my soul with each line she spoke about me and how she feels.

This is when I found this website. I bought a small library of books and self-help manuals. I blathered on at this site, talking about how shattered I was... And the population of regular contributors listened to me patiently and offered their kind words as though this was the first time they had ever heard a story like mine.

But the reality is that there are people who come here every day with a story that reads almost word for word like mine. the unfortunate part of all of this is that it is only AFTER the damage has been done that people find this site. Someone should print this site off and give it to newlyweds as a manual for staying together.

What I am going to tell you is that EVERY marriage comes to this point at some time or another. It doesn't matter what your religion beliefs are, it doesn't matter how much you THINK you are in love. There is a breaking point where disaster strikes.

Let me say out of the gate that I am not a marriage counselor, Therapist, or any other credentialed professional... I am the betrayed and again, I have received my doctorate degree from the non-accredited school of hard knocks.

Having said that... most of the "newbies" that come around here are also the betrayed and don't even know about it yet. Others are the betrayers who are either seeking approval for their actions, or who are trying to find the answers as to why it is happening, or why they are thinking about cheating.

Now, there are several different kinds of affairs, but the one I want to talk about is the dreaded "Emotionally Involved Affair". This one is particularly dangerous because the participant actually develops feelings for someone else. They believe that they are "in love" all over again, but they are still married and they don't know how to end it. This seems to be the most common type of affair discussed on this site.

I will get back to that later, because this is a situation that can mostly be avoided with some "Preventative Maintenance". Just like your home, automobile, lawn, garden and everything else in the world, you have to put in to it by maintaining it. Your marriage is no different. If you neglect it, it will shrivel and wilt. The shine will tarnish and it will turn brown and crunchy. But like all of these other things, once it turns, you can still put it back with some elbow grease and time.

*I: The Timeline*

In the beginning, you meet. The first thing that grabs your attention is purely physical. Not necessarily sexual, but there is something that attracts you to each other. For me, the first thing I notice about a woman is her eyes and her smile. These two elements alone can make me lust for her immediately. For others, it can be any number of attributes that captivate their attention - legs, rear end, hair, breasts... Whatever.

So we find an attraction almost instantly.

*II: The Courtship.*

During the courtship, it all starts out so sweet, wouldn't you agree? This is the time when we start out on our best behavior. We become the person our parents would be proud of. We are easily embarrassed and don't even want to use the restroom in the same building as the other... Heaven forbid they should know that we use the BATHROOM! SURELY THAT would be a bump in the road to bliss!

We do small things to let the other know what we are thinking of them; Love letters, flowers, telephone calls, etc. my wife accused me of being gay the first time she saw my house. "No straight man keeps a house like this!" :rofl:

We spend time together doing ANYTHING that will give us time with the other. Movies, bowling, out to eat... Whatever! It doesn't matter... Us guys will even go and spend 20 bux to take her to a chick flick, hoping that our buddies don't see!

*III: "I Love You."*

... and it is all downhill from there... Those three words are spoken at the height of the courtship. Unfortunately, this is also the height of the relationship. It is a slow road to the death of the relationship from this very point.

At this point, we are perfectly comfortable going to the bathroom in the next room. It isn't even embarrassing to "blow up the bathroom" at this time. We are no longer on our best behavior, and we are no longer wearing our "Sunday Best", but we do still call and e-mail each other at work. We do still "date". This is the time when life begins to settle down. things begin to get "regular", so to speak.

The wheel of emotions has been pedaled hard and has sped very fast... Around and around. but now, we have already stopped pedaling so hard and the wheel will begin to slow down. It will still take quite a long time for it to stop completely, but it is coasting to an eventual stop, and is inevitable.

*IV: The Engagement.*

At some point, the idea of marriage comes along... For some people, this has come rather quickly and occurs during the courtship phase. For others, there is a period of co-habitation that occurs for a while before making the decision... This can be from a year to 10 years or more.

In the case of co-habitation, things seem to stay pretty good for a long time. Popular theory is that this is because until you are married, it is really easy to part ways if it doesn't work out. It is proven that co-habitants try harder at their relationships than married people do. It is often reported that things were great until the marriage.

This sort of blows the idea that the only difference between getting married and "Shacking up" is a piece of paper... I have found this NOT to be the case AT ALL!

*V: After Marriage. *

The wheel that we referenced earlier is slowing now to almost a stop. We seem to forget all of the things that we did in the beginning that were attractive to the other... Little things like showing appreciation, Picking up your dirty clothes, and most importantly, DATING! All of this stops virtually overnight.

Somewhere in the psyche, we have the idea that "Now that we are married, I don't have to try so hard". Maybe it is a mental "I won!" and you now have the prize. We tend to take our partner for granted instead of going out of our way to thank them for doing things for is.

Phone calls and e-mails have slowed to a crawl, if they happen at all. When there is a call placed, it is usually to ask a question or to voice a concern. The love letters have stopped, and the florist is wondering why he hasn't seen you in months.

*VI: "Till Death Do Us Part"*

It is assumed in the beginning that this line in our vows means "For the rest of our lives", but later, this gets re-translated to "Until the death of our feelings". Life, over time becomes boring. We don't seem to be driven to share the times with our spouse that we once craved.

Remember the time long ago that the two of you didn't think you could make it through the afternoon without a hug, a kiss or in the very least, a call on the phone? Do you remember checking your messages hoping to find one from him or her? When was the last time you had THAT feeling?

When you discover that you DO have a message waiting, you probably feel like "What is it NOW?", or "He must be calling to tell me that he is going off with friends... again". Once welcomed and anticipated communications have become more of a nuisance now.

This is the time when we begin to feel that the other has lost interest... and they have.

*VII: The Pregnancy.*

Many couples have detected a discrepancy in their marriages by this point. Something is missing... And it MUST be a child... "A child will help us to get back on track. It will give us something in common to work on... Something to love.

During the pregnancy, normally the couple will work together excitedly to make preparations for the new bundle of joy. They go shopping, make a registry and do a LOT of "Together" activities to get ready... 

There is a short term rekindling of the marriage at this time because again, they have something to work on together. They are spending time together for the first time in probably years.

The baby comes. There is joy abounds in the house. All of the family and friends come along to see the baby. At this time, life is great! "I have my marriage back... But herein lies the problem...

Just like other children in the family, the grown-ups become weary. It becomes a chore to rear the new baby. With the coming of this new life, the couple now has even LESS time with each other.

The baby is so wonderful that the parents place the child (in it's rightful place) high atop a pedestal. They become so busy reaching for this child that they are all but ignoring each other. the only time they talk, it is about the baby. They have totally isolated each other. just like the other children in a multi-child home, the spouse feels left out and becomes jealous too. The child is being shown the attention that that spouse wants so badly.

*VIII: Now what?*

As time goes by and the baby grows to a bit more independent, the parents step back and relax in their role of "Keeper of the baby". They NOW find that they have even LESS to talk about than they did before.

She might go to bed early, pour herself into a romance novel (Gawd help us ALL!)... He might stay up late to watch TV, play on the computer... Any number of things to pound that wedge deeper in between them.

*IX: Other stuff to do.*

When companionship has has checked out from the heartbreak hotel, there isn't much left to do but to find something to do to occupy yourself to pass time in the game of life.

Many times, there is substance abuse, but there are plenty of other things to abuse besides alcohol and drugs... You can abuse your work by staying later and later. Throw yourself into church functions, Video games, television, Internet and a host of other things including volunteer work, clubs and other things that will take you out of the house (and away from your problems).

The biggie here is infidelity, but that one will be the focus of the next section, so I won't dwell on it here... Just know that it does in fact fit into this group.

*X: INFIDELITY*

We all feel and believe that infidelity cannot and will not ever happen to us. we have the idea that it only happens to people who are in abusive relationships, marriages where the sex is gone, Whatever. But remember... "WE... have the PERFECT marriage."

Listen carefully when I tell you this: YOUR MARRIAGE IS NOT CHEAT PROOF!

There comes a point in our relationship where we have grown so far apart that we begin to feel unattractive, unloved and taken for granted. We begin to feel like our relationship is over. All of the sudden, there is someone else that comes along... It could be a co-worker, a church member or literally ANYONE. Nice words are exchanged... Maybe a little bit of "harmless" flirting. This is where the death of the marriage begins.

It starts out as "Harmless flirting", Slowly, it evolves into conversation on a personal level... usually about how things just aren't good anymore. Soon, it is a "harmless" venture out to lunch with this co-worker, or maybe fixing another church member's computer... Whatever it is at this time still seems to be innocent.

As time passes, the flirtation becomes more intense. They begin to feel attractive again. This is something that has long since disappeared in the marriage. They begin to feel appreciated for something they have done... "Desirable".

Pretty soon, this casual relationship develops into a "friendship" of sorts. They find themselves gravitating towards one another. They make excuses to see the other person. Pretty soon, there are hugs exchanged. At this point, there are undeniable feelings involved.

As these feelings grow stronger and stronger, he or she will begin to become more distant from their spouse. They will become unattached and begin to attach themselves to the other person.

Now, let's fire up the flux capacitor and take a trip back in time to the very beginning of the relationship and have a look at the feelings that happen shortly after you met your spouse. these are the exact same feelings... The fluttering heart, the jittering stomach. The cycle has begun all over again.

Now, you have to remember that up and to this point, the spouse did not feel like he or she was over the line. After all, it was all innocent, and this other person was just someone to talk to who seemed to understand. Having an affair was never the plan. However, the "Emotional Affair" has now started.

However, once there has been a crossed line, the spouse convinces his or herself that the marriage at home is over anyway, and that he or she has fallen in love with this other person. There has been kissing, affection and all of those feelings came rushing in that the two of you shared so long ago.

the more attached he or she becomes to the other person, the more detached they will become from their spouse. He or she will justify their lack of feelings based on the spouse. "He doesn't care about me anymore either" she might say, or "If he cared, he would show me."

Then, finally, it comes to the infidel resigning their self to the belief that the two of them are actually head over heels in love, and that the marriage is over anyway.

This cycle generally takes 6 to 8 years to complete, earning it the term "The Seven Year Itch".

The short and the long is that if you think you have an infallible marriage, you are dangerously wrong. Marriages take constant maintenance to flourish and to be beautiful. A marriage is as fragile as a flower. It takes so very little to crush it.

Put the same efforts into your marriage as you do in your lawn, house, car, job... whatever, and you will have a happy marriage for the rest of your life.

I have continued this writing off line. If you are interested in seeing the rest of it, please let me know.

Regards to all!

~Moog


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## wanttobehappy (Mar 7, 2009)

That was great! You are so right!!


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

Thanks! There is a LOT more to it now, but I don't want to get banned for using up all of the server space! LOL!


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## rough400 (Mar 14, 2009)

i think what u said is true very bit..n i guess everyone knows it as well however difficult to implement


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## MrJoshua (Jul 3, 2008)

OMG! This has certainly opened my eyes to what is happening in my marriage. Thank you.


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

MrJoshua,

I am glad that you found something of value in the post. It makes me feel good about the 2 hours I spent on it! 

Good luck!

~Moog


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## sexynurse (Sep 29, 2009)

:iagree:


moogvo said:


> The perfect marriage... A wonderland of understanding between partners. The feeling that it will never end. the complete and utter trust that cannot be breached no matter what. I can do what I want, she can do whatever she wants and we will meet in the middle and have a "Perfect Marriage".
> 
> Does this sound like the way YOU felt before you came here? I know I certainly thought that I had the perfect marriage... until it all fell apart and I watched the shattered bits and pieces of it raining down around my feet in a scene that felt like a clip from a bad Lifetime movie.
> 
> ...


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## sexynurse (Sep 29, 2009)

I couldn't agree more. Where can I read more?


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## Xusan (Nov 25, 2008)

Hi Moog,

More please! This has been a big help!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

moogvo said:


> !
> 
> *III: "I Love You."*
> 
> ... and it is all downhill from there... Those three words are spoken at the height of the courtship. Unfortunately, this is also the height of the relationship. It is a slow road to the death of the relationship from this very point.


i only cursorily read as far as i quoted.

but damn man.

'i love you' is not on a fulcrum that tilts towards mundanity.

'i love you' is a phrase that when whispered from one heart to another spreads it's wings and soars a couple to extraordinary heights of passion.

at least in my world


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Lots of great points that I agree with. However. I disagree that this is the way things mostly/always go. 

I think you can keep the passion alive if you learn the skill of being present, being loving and honest but not being totally open and not being totally available. 

This really is like learning to ride a unicycle - constant little course corrections - hard to learn - but once you learn you don't fall. 

The quickest way to KILL passion is to smother it with certainty. My wife knows I am committed to her - knows I deeply love her. Still i would not say to her:
"I would never leave you over xxxx". Why say that? Passion has an edge, passion is earned. 

It might be romantic early on to be a little into overstatement - but in the day to day world of marriage telling your partner they can do anything you want and your unconditional love will make it somehow OK, is a very bad idea. Women are brilliant at deciphering the difference between commitment and weakness and unconditional love in the face of destructive behaviors is more about weakness then commitment. 

I sometime hear guys say things like "I will love her no matter how much weight she gains". How is that different then the wife saying "I will love you no matter how much beer you drink". Bad message. The thing is that most guys are not as good at subtle communication as women. So they think anything other then a 100 percent message of support is a non loving response. 






recent_cloud said:


> i only cursorily read as far as i quoted.
> 
> but damn man.
> 
> ...


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

Xusan said:


> Hi Moog,
> 
> More please! This has been a big help!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I will have to look and see if I can locate the rest of this piece. It has been a long two-year journey in the repair of my marriage. We have a wonderful one year old child and another one on the way in early 2011. I am going to make an effort to come back here and complete this work.


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