# LETTERS....**Input please**



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Anyone who's read my threads from October of last year (before I left) until now, knows that I've struggled w/my marriage and being the only one in it....or trying to fix it....or even acknowledging that it needs work....

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/search.php?searchid=1382406

I'm am going to share two letters my stbexH gave me right after my attorney mailed a "separation agreement" to him...
This was my 1st step in anything legal, he still refuses to help me in any way financially and is working under the table and not paying taxes...etc etc...

Please read these letters and tell me your take....
These were handwritten, and I've taken the time to type them exactly the way they were written....

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*Letter One *(seems to be written right after he got the “separation agreement” from my attorney

I do not like where we are headed. I did not want you to leave, and I do not want this to continue. In spite of what all has been said and done, I still love you and want you to come home. I need you and *** needs us both. 

I want you to come home and be my best friend, my wife and my lover again. I am completely lost without you.

I love you


*Letter Two*

Hey ****
I miss greeting each other with “hey mean”. I miss your messy hair in the morning, you in your glasses, your wrecked ankle & hand, your brown skin, your manicured nails, your curled tongue, your brown eyes, your moans when you fall asleep, your perfume, the smell of your lotion after your shower, perfume on the seatbelt. I miss your smile, holding your hand, kissing your neck. I miss your love, sharing cool things with you. I miss goodbye hugs and hello hugs, hugs for no reason. I miss saying I love U. I miss you loving me. I miss you and *** hiding under the covers. I miss the three of us laying around together. I miss our little family.

I miss just knowing you are here, the safeness I feel when you are here, the confidence I felt knowing you loved me.

I miss your love, our love and making love. 
I love you with all my heart and soul.

I miss you and I love you XOXO


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

When was the second one written?


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

HurtinginTN said:


> When was the second one written?


I don't know....
I can tell the "I don't like where we're headed" etc was written once he got the agreement from my attorney....

But he didn't say and I didn't ask....maybe I should post my email responce to this huh


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

I appreciate your words in your letters. But right now, they just feel like words.

I have left many chances for you to talk to me, text me back, email me back hoping that you would and I just feel like I’m running in circles. I don’t get a response from you until you get the “separation agreement” from my attorney. I’ve had a lot of time to think about it, and that’s what I keep coming back to. I don’t see any action – and that’s what it’s going to take.



You laughed at me for talking to a therapist. You refused to go see one with me….You have refused to do anything, totally passive aggressive, leaving any action to be taken all up to me. So, I’m the bad guy because I left – I left because I had no choice. I lived with you, sad, unhappy and unfulfilled for so long. I told you that something needed to happen, yet nothing did. I asked you to do things that any wife would want. Spend time with me and our son. Make love to me, a bond that is unbreakable if kept. To be present in our life and marriage, yet you were happy just to do your own thing and watch life pass us by. Yes, we’ve both changed….I go to sleep every night knowing I was a good wife, lover and mother. I know that I’ve built a wall to keep you from hurting me….to keep your moods from affecting me…I had to. You have hurt me more than any other human has, you’ve withheld and sat back and done nothing. Even right before I left, I tried talking to you and all I got was, “Oh this again”…..you have no idea how hurt I am….you never will. 



While you are working tax free, getting your $10,000 (not to mention the other jobs you guys have been working), you have no money to give me for YOUR health insurance…..you shop @Sam’s while I’m forced to shop @Aldi – maybe you think your justified b/c I left….well, go ahead and think that way. You live in OUR home w/all the conviences while I have to spend money to have my clothes washed, hardly any furniture etc. I left w/hardly anything, and right after, you changed the locks…. I know you hid money from me before I left the house. I tried to go to the bank to make a house payment, and they informed me that it had been paid up two months. You never said a word. 



I can understand why you miss me, you had everything right there without having to do anything in return. I was your wife to come home to, a mother to your son, I cleaned our home and decorated it with pride….who wouldn’t want it all and not have to do anything for it? You had it all without doing any of the “relationship” work – and I’m sorry, that’s where it all comes together. All the things you mentioned missing about me has been so far in the past. We haven’t slept in the same bed for 10 years….how would you know that I still moan before I go to sleep? It’s been ages since we’ve all three sat and watched TV together – most of the time it was me and **** in his playroom playing a board game, watching TV, playing w/army men, building legos or playing his Xbox. If we did make love, it was me who initiated it….do you know how that feels? Do you know what rejection from the person you loved more than yourself feels like?



So I ask you…..what would you have done? 



I was hoping that we could talk to someone….I don’t know that it would help “us” together, but at least help us understand one another. I never said it had to be MY therapist, but I certainly don’t want it to be ***….he’s entirely too close to the situation and like you, I would feel like it’s too one-sided. I expect us both to conduct ourselves like adults and do our very best to keep this from affecting our child. He loves us both and no matter what, he needs us get along. Our first step has got to be talking…..we’ve never communicated, just brushed stuff off and never dealt with it. I can’t live that way anymore….



****, you were my best friend…..I don’t know where you went. When I look at you, it’s so hard for me to see that person. We stopped being friends a long time ago….resentment is a passion killer. That’s what the pastor said Sunday morning. He had a great message, a lot of it had to do with marriage. There’s a movie, “Fireproof” that I watched a clip of….I plan to rent it, it sounds like a good movie. I have been online on many “marriage” sites reading post after post from people going thru the same things….this movie keeps being mentioned.



I know this is long, and I really didn’t mean for it to be. I guess for six months (almost) I’ve wanted to say things to you….since you won’t talk to me face-to-face, I needed to say it here. There’s more to say, but my head is spinning.



Think about the agreement…..if you don’t want to sign it, don’t. If you want to make some changes, we can talk about it. But I’ve been out of the house for 6 months (on the 3rd of August) and my lease is up at that time. If I don’t hear anything from you by Wednesday, July 27, 2011, I will have no choice but to tell Ruth to go ahead and set a court date and we’ll have to let a judge decide what we do…..I didn’t want this, but I have no choice.



Above all, our son is the most important thing to me in my life. I love him and will not come home just b/c it’s easier for you. Yes, it would be better for him to have his parents in love and in a good relationship…..but that’s not what is happening here. You keep asking me to come home, but offer no solution or even help for us. Know that if I could change things, I would. If I could have shook you until you heard me, I would…..I’ve done all I can do. Even me leaving didn’t make you take action….you didn’t fight for me. “What will it take to save our marriage”….I think this is something I would have said, and I kept hoping to hear it from you.



The ball is in your court….


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## Ticonderoga (Jul 21, 2011)

You certainly have his attention. Maybe I missed it, but do you really want to get back together or is the marriage a dead player at this point ??


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Ticonderoga said:


> You certainly have his attention. Maybe I missed it, but do you really want to get back together or is the marriage a dead player at this point ??


Funny, I don't feel like I have his attention at all....
Since that email, he responded (on the deadline)
I will respond to all of this, just can't today....sorry

I've yet to get anything.

I saw him after and he said the ONLY thing he agrees to is how we are handeling our son. When the convo got heated - I sat back and let him do all the talking and when I spoke, he started getting angry, he slammed his fist down on the trash can and told me to leave. Our son was in his playroom and didn't see or hear any of this.

To this day, he hasn't said one other word about anything.
I'm still in limbo, but have given my attorney the "ok" to proceed with a court date so a judge can make these decisions for us....

How can someone write something and not back it up?
Why even bother w/the letters??


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

JustAGirl said:


> I'm still in limbo, but have given my attorney the "ok" to proceed with a court date so a judge can make these decisions for us....
> 
> How can someone write something and not back it up?
> Why even bother w/the letters??


That's scary. Who knows what the judge will decide. That is why I soooo hope we can come to an agreement out of court.

I don't know why he would bother with the letters and not follow up. I hope it works out well for you.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

I guess we'll see....
My attorney is in the process of sending over the papers for my review and it looks like a court date has been set for October....

God...how did I get here?


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## Ticonderoga (Jul 21, 2011)

JustAGirl said:


> How can someone write something and not back it up? Why even bother w/the letters??


 Forums are so one dimensional it is hard to get the big picture. It seems like he wants to control you, but gets angery when he can't. So the letters could possibly be a form of trying to control you by playing on your emotions. The flip side of that some people are alot better communicating in writting. It took some thought to write his feelings down. How long ago did you write your reply ?? 

Bottom line is he doesn't seem to be taking any proactive action to work on the marriage. So, he isn't leaving you any choice other than what you are doing.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

JustAGirl said:


> God...how did I get here?


I know how you feel. I had a lot of ideas of where I would be at this age when I was younger. This sure as hell was never one of them.


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## Ticonderoga (Jul 21, 2011)

As previosly pointed out if you can settle out of court you probably will be better off. When the date gets very close he might be more willing to make a deal.


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## Ticonderoga (Jul 21, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> I know how you feel. I had a lot of ideas of where I would be at this age when I was younger. This sure as hell was never one of them.


 Amen !!


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

:iagree:


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Hi JAG:
It sounds like you are doing all you can. Wish I could give you a hug.....
Not sure you can do much more. Not sure any of us can do much to help. Your husband needs to wake up and/or atleast communicate with you. Good luck!


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Ticonderoga said:


> Forums are so one dimensional it is hard to get the big picture. It seems like he wants to control you, but gets angery when he can't. So the letters could possibly be a form of trying to control you by playing on your emotions. The flip side of that some people are alot better communicating in writting. It took some thought to write his feelings down. How long ago did you write your reply ??
> 
> Bottom line is he doesn't seem to be taking any proactive action to work on the marriage. So, he isn't leaving you any choice other than what you are doing.


Thanks for your reply....
And yes, things in our marriage has ALWAYS gone his way.
If he didn't want to talk, we didn't talk.
If he didn't want to go somewhere or eat a certain thing, we didn't.
Part of that is my own fault....
For not speaking up, but I'm the kind of person who is usually laid back and think, "well, what he wants isn't so bad". But when I finally had enough (three years ago) and tried to talk to him, asking, "Are you happy?" He got REALLY upset and almost yelled, "What do you mean, am I happy?" 
I started telling him things that I saw that I wanted us to change, and for a couple of weeks, I saw him half @ss trying....
But it always just went back to this existance type of thing.
Yes, I know it can't be sunshine and rainbows all the time, but it rained far too often....



> HurtinginTN
> God...how did I get here?
> 
> I know how you feel. I had a lot of ideas of where I would be at this age when I was younger. This sure as hell was never one of them.


Me either! 
I never got married to get divorced.....ever



> Ticonderoga
> As previosly pointed out if you can settle out of court you probably will be better off. When the date gets very close he might be more willing to make a deal.


Let's hope so....
So far, it's been him refusing to do anything....and I mean anything!



> Why Not Be Happy?
> Hi JAG:
> It sounds like you are doing all you can. Wish I could give you a hug.....
> Not sure you can do much more. Not sure any of us can do much to help. Your husband needs to wake up and/or atleast communicate with you. Good luck!


I could use a hug, I'd probably bust out crying! I feel like such a wuss!
Communication has always been a problem....I'm open and trust me when I say this....I will never have another relationship where I don't say what I need to and the other person be open with me....it's a waste of my time and I'm not looking for games.


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## Ticonderoga (Jul 21, 2011)

Sorry to hear of your pain. You appear to be doing the right things. Sounds like hubby will never be able to give you what you need in a relationship.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

WANT to give....that is the key


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## Ticonderoga (Jul 21, 2011)

JustAGirl said:


> WANT to give....that is the key


 Or able to give.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Does he have a personality disorder possibly? Narcissist maybe?


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## barnot (Aug 21, 2011)

This sounds like me, only I'm the H and I'm trying. she yells at me anytime i try to talk. She is the only filing for divorce. We have only been apart for 3 days but it seems like she had been gone years and i miss her so much. I hate how she wont even try with me. I had to go to counseling alone because she refuse to go with me. Fortunately for me though. We did not have any kids yet. I would hate to have to put a child through that. 

I'm very sorry you have to go through this and I hope you are able to have things work out for you


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Ticonderoga said:


> Or able to give.


If you want something/someone bad enough....wouldn't you be able to? Want to? Care to?

I mean, he won't even engage in a conversation about what we want/need etc....no meaninful conversations b/c he can't/won't deal....he simply wants to stick his head in the sand and maybe if he doesn't look, none of this will be happening....



> Catherine602
> Does he have a personality disorder possibly? Narcissist maybe?


Good question! I need to look "Narcissist" up...or maybe there's a link here....
He's never been diagnosed w/anything - he refuses to talk to anyone about anything.



> barnot
> This sounds like me, only I'm the H and I'm trying. she yells at me anytime i try to talk. She is the only filing for divorce. We have only been apart for 3 days but it seems like she had been gone years and i miss her so much. I hate how she wont even try with me. I had to go to counseling alone because she refuse to go with me. Fortunately for me though. We did not have any kids yet. I would hate to have to put a child through that.
> 
> I'm very sorry you have to go through this and I hope you are able to have things work out for you


I'm sorry you're going thru this too....
And you're just getting started! This process is something that I wouldn't wish on anyone! I never EVER got married to get divorced....but one person can't make a marriage and one person can't break it! So, while I've been in IC and dealing w/myself....he's still years behind me, and it's sad.
Children most def make things harder....
You want what's best for them and feel so much guilt!


I've been so depressed this weekend it's not even funny....
I haven't eaten in two days - I know better, but everytime I go to take a bite, I feel even sicker.
I've got alot going on besides this, some things that just aren't good for me - people who are adding to my stress level instead of helping. I seem to take on everyone's problems and a really good friend of mine spent two hours on the phone w/me Saturday.....she's been thru this and brought me to tears.
She told me that I need to take care of ME and stop trying to be there for everyone else.
I will feel better once all my loose ends are tied up and with each step, I can start to heal....

I'm giving you the same advise.
Take care of yourself

*I hope you get off this rollercoaster before I do!*


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