# Am I being Jealous and Unreasonable?



## Tommy518 (Nov 28, 2011)

My girlfriend and I have been together for almost a year. We're very close and work in the same office. Before we met, she had a male friend at our office who she would email and IM personal stuff with a lot and they frequently ran and worked out together. The relationship cooled when we started dating, but she still likes to work out and run with him. She insists it's just platonic and she doesn't care about him and just hates to workout alone, but she knows it bothers me and continues to do it despite that. For scheduling reasons, we can't workout together and I work out and run at home and with her on the weekends. She gets upset that it still bothers me, and says she doesn't want to tell him "no". If she can, she'll do it and avoid telling me about it because she sees no point in upsetting me. 

I do tend to be the jealous type, but I'm comfortable that she loves me and wouldn't do anything. Still, it bugs me that she keeps doing it when she knows I don't like it. She even admits that she wouldn't be comfortable with it herself.

Am I being unreasonable? Is this just jealousy? I don't want to screw up the relationship over it.

Thanks in advance.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I imagine if she wanted him, she wouldn't have started dating you.

You're wanting what is best for you, not for her and not for the relationship. If you ever see signs that something has CHANGED between them, pay attention, but it sounds like you're looking for reasons to make her wrong for doing what she has been doing all along.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> Am I being unreasonable? Is this just jealousy?


Jealousy? Yes.
Unreasonable? No.

Usually I would say "yes, you're being unreasonable" especially as you admit that you're comfortable she wouldn't do anything wrong.

All that being said....

1. She KNOWS it upsets you and yet she's doing it anyway.
2. She admits that if the shoe were on the other fit, SHE would be unhappy.
3. She's acting in a totally hypocritical fashion and dismissing your feelings. THAT is NOT being a good girlfriend.

I'm assuming you're both fairly young?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

The unreasonable part is that if you had a female work out partner it would bother her, yet she expects you to get over it. She needs to stop doing what would bother her, for goodness sake!

I think you're both kind of silly for being threatened by this but everyone's different.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Tommy518 said:


> She gets upset that it still bothers me, and says she doesn't want to tell him "no". If she can, she'll do it and avoid telling me about it because she sees no point in upsetting me.
> 
> I do tend to be the jealous type, but I'm comfortable that she loves me and wouldn't do anything. Still, it bugs me that she keeps doing it when she knows I don't like it. She even admits that she wouldn't be comfortable with it herself.
> 
> Am I being unreasonable? Is this just jealousy? I don't want to screw up the relationship over it.


 There is no right and wrong as to the rules of having opposite sex friends, as the boundary rules are different from couple to couple, and change over time as the couple commitment deepens. What was OK while first dating, may no longer be OK once you get married. What is universal in a healthy relationship is that you both agree on what the rules should be, and agree to both follow the same rules. Her admitting "that she wouldn't be comfortable with it herself", while getting upset that you are not comfortable for the same thing, shows that she does not want to follow the same rules, and indicates that she is a cake eater that wants only what is best for her. Additionally, her saying that she doesn't want to tell him "no", is not a good sign, as being in a committed relationship is all about learning to say no to others, when saying yes would violate agreed upon boundaries. 

There comes times in every relationship that the boundary rules must change for the relationship to grow deeper. You are at such a point. A partner's willingness to fairly follow agreed upon boundaries, is a major factor in determining if she is good spouse material. And no, you are not being unreasonable, she is.

Another thing, stop viewing jealousy as a bad thing, as there are times when being jealous is appropriate, for instance, if the other man french kissed her at the end of every run. You should only be concerned if you are unreasonable jealous and boundary rules will help you determine what is unreasonable.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Does she understand that this guy continues to be her friend because he continues to want to get into you wife's pants? And she's OK with that? She's devoting a lot of emotional capital in this "friendship". He just wants to get laid. Of that I have NO DOUBT. 

Make sure she understands that. It has been debated quite a bit on this forum and the opinions are divided about 50-50. Near 100% of women say men and women CAN be friends and near 100% of men say it's for the potential sex. In other words, this only issue I've ever seen on TAM with 100% agreement. There was one thread where the men won the argument after a page and a half. 

No, this is not a healthy friendship for the marriage.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

MrK they're not married. 

OP I don't see anything wrong with it since you're not married. If you don't like it you can end the relationship with no strings attached. I do think she is selfish and not marriage material.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

MrK said:


> Does she understand that this guy continues to be her friend because he continues to want to get into you wife's pants? And she's OK with that? She's devoting a lot of emotional capital in this "friendship". He just wants to get laid. Of that I have NO DOUBT.
> 
> .


MrK,

Please do not tar all men with the same brush.

You may feel that a man cannot be friends with a women unless he is sexually attracted to her but that probably says more about you than anyone else.

For myself I have had and continue to have female friends to who I am not sexually attracted even when they are attractive (my sister-in-law is attractive, my bosses EA is attractive it does not mean that I am sexually attracted to either of them)
Over the course of the 18+ years I have been married I have had second jobs in the hospitality industry (bars, gyms, clubs) and in the course of those I saw many women who were physically attractive and some of those made it clear that they were available (that would be when I would end the friendship) but I have never been even tempted to "play around".

Back to the OP, 

Yes you are being jealous of the time that your girlfriend devotes to her “training partner” but if you are sure she is not “playing around” then you might just need to adjust your trust settings. I do not think that just because we are in a relationship with someone that it gives us the right to control how our partner speeds all their time or let them see only those people that we approve of.

IMHO Relationships work best as partnerships not dictatorships.


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## Tommy518 (Nov 28, 2011)

Thanks for all the great responses! They help.

I should mention that we are not really "young", as someone asked. I'm 51 and she's 42. We're both in good shape. We're both divorced. It's also worth noting that the man she works out with is still married, but she mentioned in the past that he confided to her that his marriage was having problems. 

I believe he was quite attached to her when we started dating and was upset that I sort of took her away from him. I think he still likes her and she feels a little guilty about it and that's part of the reason she has trouble saying "no" to him. I don't believe she has any romantic designs on him, but I think he still does for her and that's what bothers me.

She had another similar relationship when she was married that became a problem, though never an "affair", and she says her previous husband just never cared or showed any jealousy at all, so she's not used to my concerns. She says her ex's indifference and lack of emotional availability is why she left him.

I know I have some trust issues with people in general, so it's hard for me to know where the appropriate boundaries are for this sort of thing, which is why I'm here. I'm trying to trust and want to, but my gut has problems with this. 

It sounds like we need to have some more talks about this. I don't want to become the jealous possessive type and screw up a relationship that has so much promise in every other area.

Thanks again.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Being a runner and having been in running "clubs", there are times when men and women would run together. Sometimes I'd run with one woman, sometimes with one guy, sometimes with about 15 people.

Best I can suggest is to walk a fine line and watch for changes in your relationship that may indicate a change in THEIR relationship. You may even tell her that you are OK with their working out/running together since you don't want to have her stop communicating with you about it.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Tommy518 said:


> Thanks for all the great responses! They help.
> 
> I should mention that we are not really "young", as someone asked. I'm 51 and she's 42. We're both in good shape. We're both divorced. * It's also worth noting that the man she works out with is still married, but she mentioned in the past that he confided to her that his marriage was having problems. *
> ...1
> ...


10 additional Red Flags, wow.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You said it all when you said:

_She insists it's just platonic and she doesn't care about him and just hates to workout alone, but *she knows it bothers me and continues to do it* despite that._

Do not past Go. Do not collect $200. 

When you tell someone that something bothers you and they continue to do it, despite it hurting your feelings, that person does not care/love/respect you.

End point.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

This is not the woman you are looking for.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Wiltshireman said:


> For myself I have had and continue to have female friends to who I am not sexually attracted even when they are attractive (my sister-in-law is attractive, my bosses EA is attractive it does not mean that I am sexually attracted to either of them)
> Over the course of the 18+ years I have been married I have had second jobs in the hospitality industry (bars, gyms, clubs) and in the course of those I saw many women who were physically attractive and some of those made it clear that they were available (that would be when I would end the friendship) but I have never been even tempted to "play around".


And you devoted this much time to EACH ONE? WOW. You are a superman.

No man goes out of his way to maintain a friendship with a woman he doesn't want to screw. I have worked with a number of strong, beautiful, personable women who I have had a BLAST with on business lunches and trips. Friday afternoon lunches were a GAS. Never had sexual desire for a single one. Other mom's on the PTA? We're great friends at PTA lunches, fundraisers and events, but it stops there. If it continues with her husband outside of those boundaries, great.

But me and little Suzy divorced mom of 2 going out for drinks Saturday night after mani-pedi's Wednesday? But we're just good friends...

What you describe are closer to acquaintances. These two are BFF's.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Sorry. I went off on a tangent. Long story short: He wants to screw her. Of that I have NO DOUBT. Are you good with that. 

Is SHE good with that? That's the question.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well and that's just it. Who wants to be in a relationship with someone who puts their "bff" above their partner and said partner's feelings? 

I bet your a$$ she would flip if you were constantly hanging out with/talking to/exercising with your chummy good friend who happened to be your gal pal. And hiding it from your girlfriend so as "not to upset her?" Haha. Yeah, right. 

She said it herself: _She even admits that she wouldn't be comfortable with it herself._

So you see, you are dating someone who: A. has no problem with hurting you intentionally (since she knows this upsets you and continues to do it) and B. is all about the double-standards. One for her and then one for you. 

Why are you wasting your time?


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## Tommy518 (Nov 28, 2011)

What is "gaslighting"?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

_*Gaslighting*

A common form of brainwashing in which an abuser tries to falsely convince the victim that the victim is defective, for any purpose whatsoever, such as making the victim more pliable and easily controlled, or making the victim more emotional and therefore more needy and dependent. {You're reading "Definition of Gaslighting" by J. E. Brown.}

Often done by friends and family members, who claim (and may even believe) that they are trying to be helpful. The gaslighting abuser sees himself or herself as a nurturing parental figure in relation to the victim, and uses gaslighting as a means for keeping the victim in that relationship, perhaps as punishment for the victim's attempt to break out of the dependent role. 

Example 1: If an abusive person says hurtful things and makes you cry, and then, instead of apologizing and taking responsibility, starts recommending treatments for what he or she calls "your depression" or "your mood swings," you are in the presence of a gaslighter._

definition of gaslighting -- Brown's Dictionary of Relationship Terms


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I wouldn't so much as call what she is doing as "Gaslighting" as just a blatant form of disrespecting the OP.


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## Tommy518 (Nov 28, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I wouldn't so much as call what she is doing as "Gaslighting" as just a blatant form of disrespecting the OP.


She hasn't said that I'm wrong for being jealous (exactly). She's said she wishes I'd get past it and that she feels nothing for him and there's no flirting. She just hates to workout alone. I've suggested she find female friends to workout with and she says they can't keep up with her (which is probably true). She says she understands my concerns and has cut way back, which she has. She used to run with him alone exclusively, and now she invites other runners to go with. They somewhat work together and are connected through IM, so it's easy for them to communicate what they're doing. They don't do it alone together very often any more, but it still happens now and then. They don't flirt through email and IM like they used to and the after hours emailing stopped a long time ago. I don't doubt her feelings for me, but she seems to struggle with the idea of sacrificing other male relationships for the sake of ours, because she never had to do that with her ex-husband.

When I asked her if it was him who asked her to go, or 
if she asked him, she said he asked her, but she then asked me if it made any difference. I said "yeah, to me it did". That's when she said it was all so insignificant to her and she can't figure out why it still matters to me and wishes I would just let it go.


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## JustAnotherMan (Jun 27, 2012)

Tommy518 said:


> She hasn't said that I'm wrong for being jealous (exactly). She's said she wishes I'd get past it and that she feels nothing for him and there's no flirting. She just hates to workout alone. I've suggested she find female friends to workout with and she says they can't keep up with her (which is probably true). She says she understands my concerns and has cut way back, which she has. She used to run with him alone exclusively, and now she invites other runners to go with. They somewhat work together and are connected through IM, so it's easy for them to communicate what they're doing. They don't do it alone together very often any more, but it still happens now and then. They don't flirt through email and IM like they used to and the after hours emailing stopped a long time ago. I don't doubt her feelings for me, but she seems to struggle with the idea of sacrificing other male relationships for the sake of ours, because she never had to do that with her ex-husband.
> 
> When I asked her if it was him who asked her to go, or
> if she asked him, she said he asked her, but she then asked me if it made any difference. I said "yeah, to me it did". *That's when she said it was all so insignificant to her and she can't figure out why it still matters to me and wishes I would just let it go.*




Insignificant that her running exercise partner wants to bed her? A majority of men would agree with this. The question is how long will he keep quietly trying before he gives up or she slips up.


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## Joey Joe Joe Jr. Shabadoo (Mar 22, 2013)

It just seems like given the choice between having a workout partner she likes or having a boyfriend she presumably loves, your gf should choose you and your relationship. Pretty easy when you think of it that way.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Tommy518 said:


> She hasn't said that I'm wrong for being jealous (exactly). She's said she wishes I'd get past it and that she feels nothing for him and there's no flirting. She just hates to workout alone. I've suggested she find female friends to workout with and she says they can't keep up with her (which is probably true). * She says she understands my concerns and has cut way back, which she has. She used to run with him alone exclusively, and now she invites other runners to go with.* They somewhat work together and are connected through IM, so it's easy for them to communicate what they're doing. They don't do it alone together very often any more, but it still happens now and then. They don't flirt through email and IM like they used to and the after hours emailing stopped a long time ago. I don't doubt her feelings for me, but she seems to struggle with the idea of sacrificing other male relationships for the sake of ours, because she never had to do that with her ex-husband.
> 
> When I asked her if it was him who asked her to go, or
> if she asked him, she said he asked her, but she then asked me if it made any difference. I said "yeah, to me it did". That's when she said it was all so insignificant to her and she can't figure out why it still matters to me and wishes I would just let it go.


So she is trying to accommodate your concerns by cutting back how often she runs with him, and by including others. I think that shows she is trying.

But I can understand if that's not enough for you.

You said she would feel the same way that you do if the situation were reversed. Did you ask her what she would expect you to do in that situation where she was upset about it?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Are your issues with her friendship based on something that he has done, or something that happened between them that set off your gut? Or, is your issue strictly that he is MALE? I think you should look at your reasoning for your feelings. If it is the second, that he is male, then maybe you can try cutting her some slack on this. 

That said, she should still respect your wishes and not work out with this guy, if your objection continues.


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## daMan (Dec 18, 2012)

Tommy518 said:


> that she feels nothing for him and there's no flirting.


Well, a lot of affairs started out this way, so don't put any weight on how she currently "feels", because it could change.



Tommy518 said:


> She just hates to workout alone. I've suggested she find female friends to workout with and she says they can't keep up with her (which is probably true).


This is what I don't get! I work out with a friend twice a week (both males). He's much younger and for sure I would NOT be able to keep up with him even if I tried. But there was no reason to keep up with your work out partners. You're both there to work out at your own paste and enjoy each other's company. This statement right here sounds too much like an excuse for her to keep seeing her male friend. 



Tommy518 said:


> because she never had to do that with her ex-husband.


 what does this have to do with anything???



Tommy518 said:


> I said "yeah, to me it did". That's when she said it was all so insignificant to her and she can't figure out why it still matters to me and wishes I would just let it go.


BINGO! There's your problem. When you say it's a problem to you and she still want to brush aside, huge problem! In a relationship, when 1 feel strongly about something, the other must try to understand and work out a solution, not brush it aside.

It sounds pretty clear to me that you do not want this situation to carry on and she does. Then you both should answer this question: Is her workout with this guy more important than your relationship?


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## Tommy518 (Nov 28, 2011)

norajane said:


> Did you ask her what she would expect you to do in that situation where she was upset about it?


That's a good question. I haven't asked it that way, but I will.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Tommy518 said:


> My girlfriend and I have been together for almost a year. We're very close and work in the same office. Before we met, she had a male friend at our office who she would email and IM personal stuff with a lot and they frequently ran and worked out together. The relationship cooled when we started dating,


*
BECAUSE HE WANTS HER AND LOST HER!!!*

How many times does it have to be PROVEN, 99% of the time, a man is a "friend" to a woman because he wants to get in her pants....PERIOD!! This is like being surprised when you learned the stripper/porn star had daddy/family issues....DUH!!!



Tommy518 said:


> but she still likes to work out and run with him. She insists it's just platonic and she doesn't care about him and just hates to workout alone, but she knows it bothers me and continues to do it despite that. For scheduling reasons, we can't workout together and I work out and run at home and with her on the weekends. She gets upset that it still bothers me, and says she doesn't want to tell him "no". If she can, she'll do it and avoid telling me about it because she sees no point in upsetting me.


So she lies through omission to protect this relationship she has with this guy over your OVERTLY STATED BOUNDARIES....NICEEEE!



Tommy518 said:


> I do tend to be the jealous type, but I'm comfortable that she loves me and wouldn't do anything. Still, it bugs me that she keeps doing it when she knows I don't like it. She even admits that she wouldn't be comfortable with it herself.


Because she knows it's wrong!!! PERIOD. So how do you think the rest of your relationship is going to be. She gets to have double standards WHILE lieing through omission about it. SH!T TEST!



Tommy518 said:


> Am I being unreasonable? Is this just jealousy? I don't want to screw up the relationship over it.
> 
> Thanks in advance.


I know I'm being harsh above, but it's to serve as a wake up call. This is wrong on MANY levels.

It's okay to tell you SO that you don't like them having an opposite sex workout buddy. If that's your boundary then set it. It's not alright to not enforce your boundaries. As long as you put the same rules on yourself.

Also it's not okay to fail sh!t tests and allow lieing through omission.

EDIT: I hadn't even gotten to your second post...that makes this even worse LOL.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

TRy said:


> There is no right and wrong as to the rules of having opposite sex friends, as the boundary rules are different from couple to couple, and change over time as the couple commitment deepens. What was OK while first dating, may no longer be OK once you get married. What is universal in a healthy relationship is that you both agree on what the rules should be, and agree to both follow the same rules. Her admitting "that she wouldn't be comfortable with it herself", while getting upset that you are not comfortable for the same thing, shows that she does not want to follow the same rules, and indicates that she is a cake eater that wants only what is best for her. Additionally, her saying that she doesn't want to tell him "no", is not a good sign, as being in a committed relationship is all about learning to say no to others, when saying yes would violate agreed upon boundaries.
> 
> There comes times in every relationship that the boundary rules must change for the relationship to grow deeper. You are at such a point. A partner's willingness to fairly follow agreed upon boundaries, is a major factor in determining if she is good spouse material. And no, you are not being unreasonable, she is.
> 
> Another thing, stop viewing jealousy as a bad thing, as there are times when being jealous is appropriate, for instance, if the other man french kissed her at the end of every run. You should only be concerned if you are unreasonable jealous and boundary rules will help you determine what is unreasonable.


Quoting this because there's no "Hyper-Like" button.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

I would start preparing to move on. Go cold on her for a few days and think if this relationship is really worth it. In my opinion long term I say heck no I mean she can't find a female workout partner and hangs out with this guy who talks about how bad his marriage is to her and won't give up something as simple as this? Take yourself out this weekend tell her you're busy watching basketball or something and she can hang out with her workout "buddy" whatever.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Tommy518 said:


> It's also worth noting that the man she works out with is still married, but she mentioned in the past that he confided to her that his marriage was having problems.
> 
> I believe he was quite attached to her when we started dating and was upset that I sort of took her away from him..


This is a big red flag.

I wouldn't be down with this.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Tommy518 said:


> They somewhat work together and are connected through IM, so it's easy for them to communicate what they're doing. They don't do it alone together very often any more, but it still happens now and then. They don't flirt through email and IM like they used to and the after hours emailing stopped a long time ago.


This gets worse.

Lay down your no male workout partner boundary and then your course of action is dependent on her reaction.

Don't set a boundary you won't keep though.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I have to revise what I said based on the flirting and that he has demonstrated interest in her. In that case, it's her duty to the relationship to cut ties.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

It's also worth noting that the man she works out with is still married, but she mentioned in the past that he confided to her that his marriage was having problems. BIG RED FLAG!


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## Madman1 (Oct 24, 2012)

Tommy518 said:


> She hasn't said that I'm wrong for being jealous (exactly).
> 
> They don't flirt through email and IM like they used to and the after hours emailing stopped a long time ago.
> 
> but she seems to struggle with the idea of sacrificing other male relationships for the sake of ours, because she never had to do that with her ex-husband.


She was in an emotional affair with a married man, (maybe while she was still married also?)! And has never felt remorse!

She has poor boundaries and feels entitled to them because her former husband was disinterested, and she is now a master cake eater.

She is weak in protecting her current relationship, wont say NO to him and does not respect your feelings.

She admits that she will keep you in the dark if she ever tells him NO "to protect you" (I can pretty much assure you that No will never be said) and at that point she will continue to see someone that you do not want her to, and will do so without your knowledge, wow, just wow!


You say it's good in so many other ways I guess that means you get along well and the sex is good, because this woman's morality is that of a cheater, and when you two hit a rough patch and she digs deep to find her commitment, well lets just say that she is going to come up empty handed.

See you in the CWI section.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Ya, this chick is not worth investing in. Start seeing other women and move on from her. Once this guy is out of the picture, there will be another dude-friend and the cycle of misery continues.

The fact that she knows it upsets you and she wouldn't be comfortable herself? That just proves how selfish and terrible a girlfriend she is.

Keep on movin.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

norajane said:


> You said she would feel the same way that you do if the situation were reversed. Did you ask her what she would expect you to do in that situation where she was upset about it?


The money question. Ask her be honest with you, what she would expect from you in the same situation.



tacoma said:


> This is a big red flag.
> 
> I wouldn't be down with this.


What he said. 

Also, I want to point out something else: your girlfriend sees nothing wrong with hanging out with a guy one-on-one who they have a "flirty" past together and who she says is married and told her is having "marriage problems."

Disaster. 

A better friend would stay far away from that situation. I personally would not wanting to constantly hanging out one on one with an opposite-sex friend who is experiencing problems in his relationship. Because it looks bad. Really bad.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

tom67 said:


> It's also worth noting that the man she works out with is still married, but she mentioned in the past that he confided to her that his marriage was having problems. BIG RED FLAG!


Right...He was fishing to see her response....


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

OP

There's jealousy from insecurity and then there's jealousy because you're protective of your relationship.

My wife may watch a movie with a hot guy in it...I'm not jealous (used to be but I evolved a bit LOL)

A guy who my wife knows from work was at a work party and I was introduced to him, I picked up his interest in my wife right away. Needless to say when we shook hands, I CRUSHED his hand, like seeing him do the "shaking of the hand as he walked away". I also steered my wife away from him the rest of the night and had the talk about nothing but ONLY work stuff with that guy on the way home. "Why?" "Because he wants you and you're mine and he's not going to get you." My wife leaned in close and hugged my arm and gave me a very enthusiastic bj that night because me being PROTECTIVE (not jealous) was a major turn on and showed her how much I love and value her.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

Joey Joe Joe Jr. Shabadoo said:


> It just seems like given the choice between having a workout partner she likes or having a boyfriend she presumably loves, your gf should choose you and your relationship. Pretty easy when you think of it that way.


Yes, especially since she admits she would feel the same way if it were the other way around. I know how you feel about walking that line in terms of what's reasonable to ask of a partner and what is not. I can be jealous too. This seems pretty clear though. And her excuse of just not wanting to work out alone is flimsy.....which makes it more insulting. Not wanting to workout alone is a very trivial reason for knowingly upsetting you . You also say they used to be flirty.....even if it did stop this is not good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

Dad&Hubby said:


> OP
> 
> There's jealousy from insecurity and then there's jealousy because you're protective of your relationship.
> 
> ...


He is right and she did say that her ex was indifferent, didn't seem to care. She didnt like that. This isn't jealousy from insecurity, not controlling. Its assertive and protective.If she loves you she will respect your feelings. She already admitted to understanding them. So why isn't she doing something about it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

inarut said:


> He is right and she did say that her ex was indifferent, didn't seem to care. She didnt like that. This isn't jealousy from insecurity, not controlling. Its assertive and protective.If she loves you she will respect your feelings. She already admitted to understanding them. So why isn't she doing something about it?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ugh, time to get a female trainer for yourself I mean what's good for the goose is good for the goosee right.


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## Tommy518 (Nov 28, 2011)

Thanks to everyone for all the helpful responses. 

We did have a talk about this over the weekend and never really came to a resolution. I asked her what she would want me to do in the same situation and while she admits she thinks she'd be uncomfortable with it, she couldn't really give me a clear answer. She's looking for a new job for professional reasons and I asked her if she met another guy at the new job who was into running, would she start with him, and she said she didn't think so, but is worried about me controlling her by telling her who she can hang out with and that she might start resenting me for it. I understand that side of it, but it's not really what I wanted to hear. She says she loves me and wants me more involved in her life, but is still being too vague and evasive on this subject for my taste. I guess I'll just play it by ear and continue to address it with her. If it looks like things won't change or it's unworkable, I'll have to rethink where it's going.

Thanks again!


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Tommy518 said:


> We did have a talk about this over the weekend and never really came to a resolution. I asked her what she would want me to do in the same situation and while she admits she thinks she'd be uncomfortable with it, she couldn't really give me a clear answer. She's looking for a new job for professional reasons and I asked her if she met another guy at the new job who was into running, would she start with him, and she said she didn't think so, but is worried about me controlling her by telling her who she can hang out with and that she might start resenting me for it. I understand that side of it, but it's not really what I wanted to hear. She says she loves me and wants me more involved in her life, but is still being too vague and evasive on this subject for my taste. I guess I'll just play it by ear and continue to address it with her. If it looks like things won't change or it's unworkable, I'll have to rethink where it's going.


 It is going nowhere. She wants to keep her options open to meet other men, because she does not want to commit to you at this time. Now that you know, you need to keep your options open with "just friends" other women going forward, otherwise you will be the needy one in the relationship. I am not saying that it is over or that she will not one day commit to you, but after 1 year she is still not there.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Tommy518 said:


> My girlfriend and I have been together for almost a year. We're very close and work in the same office. Before we met, she had a male friend at our office who she would email and IM personal stuff with a lot and they frequently ran and worked out together. The relationship cooled when we started dating, but she still likes to work out and run with him.
> 
> *This needed to stop. This is maintaining an EX.*
> 
> ...


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Tommy518 said:


> Thanks to everyone for all the helpful responses.
> 
> We did have a talk about this over the weekend and never really came to a resolution. I asked her what she would want me to do in the same situation and while she admits she thinks she'd be uncomfortable with it, she couldn't really give me a clear answer. She's looking for a new job for professional reasons and I asked her if she met another guy at the new job who was into running, would she start with him, and she said she didn't think so, but is worried about me controlling her by telling her who she can hang out with and that she might start resenting me for it. I understand that side of it, but it's not really what I wanted to hear. She says she loves me and wants me more involved in her life, but is still being too vague and evasive on this subject for my taste. I guess I'll just play it by ear and continue to address it with her. If it looks like things won't change or it's unworkable, I'll have to rethink where it's going.
> 
> Thanks again!


She does not want any boundaries. You are way too meek my friend. This is a display of low value. A display of low value tells her she needs to lok for a more fit patner. Why are you so desparate as to put up with this?

State your boundaries. Her independence is more important than you are. Again this is not the woman you are looking for. I get that you like having sex with a younger woman. But you need to assert your boundaries or she is history. You may be ok with sharing her I suppose but she may just cut you out of the mix.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Tommy518 said:


> Thanks to everyone for all the helpful responses.
> 
> We did have a talk about this over the weekend and never really came to a resolution. I asked her what she would want me to do in the same situation and while she admits she thinks she'd be uncomfortable with it, she couldn't really give me a clear answer. She's looking for a new job for professional reasons and I asked her if she met another guy at the new job who was into running, would she start with him, and she said she didn't think so, but is worried about me controlling her by telling her who she can hang out with and that she might start resenting me for it. I understand that side of it, but it's not really what I wanted to hear. She says she loves me and wants me more involved in her life, but is still being too vague and evasive on this subject for my taste. I guess I'll just play it by ear and continue to address it with her. If it looks like things won't change or it's unworkable, I'll have to rethink where it's going.
> 
> Thanks again!


God I could never date a woman like this. She's the queen of mixed messages.

I do this, but I'd feel uncomfortable if you did.

Don't be controlling, but be more involved in my life.

Please lets build a stronger relationship, but don't give me any boundaries and even when you tell me where you want to go with our relationship (boundaries) I'm going to IGNORE YOU!

Do you see a pattern OP. Look, I'm sure she's beautiful, probably one of the best lays you've had, and you have a good time, but she isn't long term happiness material. You're going to be in puzzled mode from this day forward and it will only get worse.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Tommy518 said:


> I asked her if she met another guy at the new job who was into running, would she start with him, and she said she didn't think so, but is worried about me controlling her by telling her who she can hang out with and that she might start resenting me for it.


She's just so ADORABLE!!


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

She is not LTR material. I would say right now you have to re assess this relationship now. A good way to alpha up quick is tell her you need some time to yourself or at least go away somewhere by yourself for a long weekend without her. She sounds really entitled jmo.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> Tommy:
> We did have a talk about this over the weekend and never really came to a resolution. SHE did, you weren't LISTENING! *See bolded point*. I asked her what she would want me to do in the same situation and while she admits she thinks she'd be uncomfortable with it, she couldn't really give me a clear answer. duh, she's a cake-eater! She's looking for a new job for professional reasons and I asked her if she met another guy at the new job who was into running, would she start with him, and she said she didn't think so, but *Oh, always a "but"...I'm telling you what you want to hear BUT I'm negating it with EVERYTHING that comes afterward. *is worried about me controlling her by telling her who she can hang out with yeah, imagine being her husband and trying to "control" her by telling her she can't go get drunk on Friday night at her best guy friend's house!! and that she might start resenting me for it. Look, Tommy, you're PLAN B! You're steady, and okay, but (see, there's that "but" again!) she wants to see if there is someone more INTERESTING, someone more FUN, someone more FLIRTY, someone with more MONEY, or a second home, or a cool time-share, etc. I understand that side of it, Really? Cuz I'm a 56yo woman, and *I* don't understand it! but it's not really what I wanted to hear. She says she loves me and wants me more involved in her life, dangling the carrot, baby! but is still being too vague and evasive you are being 'manipulated' on this subject for my taste. I guess I'll just play it by ear and continue to address it with her. If it looks like things won't change or it's unworkable, I'll have to rethink where it's going.


 It's not going to go ANYWHERE. You're not 'Mr. Right' in HER book, you're 'Mr. Right-Now'. Serious ADULTS commit after a year, or they walk away; they don't shilly-shally around for-fvcking-ever!

You want to know *why* I ASSUMED you both were fairly young in my opening response to this thread? Because HER behavior is very immature and high-schoolish! VERY immature. VERY juvenile. 

If you really want to know what it going on, buy this book (hardcopy or e-book) from Amazon.com and read it within the next week. I think you'll find it VERY ENLIGHTENING as you, Tommy, are being MANIPULATED!

*Who's Pulling Your Strings: How to Break the Cycle of Manipulation* by Harriet Braiker

Very good book (I gave it a "B" rating)	, quite thorough on the subject, and a quick/easy read! 

If, after reading the book you STILL don't believe us, just re-read this entire thread keeping in mind EVERYTHING you read in the book! You're not a stupid man, Tommy, you're just being LIED TO by a manipulator.

One last thing, IF you stay with this woman (for the looks, the sex, the whatever) you need to ACCEPT that SHE WILL CHEAT ON YOU (EA/PA) at some point in the future AND....she will BLAME IT ON YOU and your 'unreasonable' jealousy. 

Why? She KNOWS (you've undoubtedly told her plenty of times) that you worry you're too possessive/jealous; so she uses THIS KNOWLEDGE to crap on you and then say..."Hey, don't complain! I'm not crapping on you...you're just jealous, possessive and insecure! C'mon, you KNOW you are!" She's using YOUR admitted weaknesses to GASLIGHT you! See, she's already setting you up for it by telling you all about how her ex-H drove her to her EA (blame-shifting) with his indifference, and how your unreasonable jealousy WILL drive her to cheat on you in the future. See, NOTHING is HER fault!

I don't care how "hot" she is, she is a dishonest, lying, girlfriend with hypocritical standards...and that SUCKS! *You'll NEVER trust her* (with GOOD reason, I might add), she'll continue to crap on you, and you'll wonder *why* you're always vaguely dissatisfied...it's a CONSTANT low-level stressor!


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

The smartest thing to do is only have a serious relationship with a woman who understands the need for proper boundaries between men and women, inclduing herself.

and btw, you are not being jealous, you are being properly concerned. IF you have stopped dating other women for this woman, then you have already made a huge investment in the relationship.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

If she really cared about you I don't think she would keep seeing this guy. You may be a little jealous but anyone would.

I have to agree don't count on this being a long term relationship unless something changes and doubt it will.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Tommy, I'm also curious as to whether she has female friends and if so, does she value them as much or preferably more than male friends.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Age wise--this is probably the last go around for the 2 of you---so you need to get it right

How committed is your relationship---are you living together---are you anywhere close to popping the question

As to her running---with a married man---that in of itself---is TABOO---and she should know it---so basically this isn't on you---its just bad moral's on her part

If she is fighting you on this---then it goes back to how serious and tight is your relationship

You definitely do not wanna come across as jealous, or controlling---so be careful how you handle this----but as I said before---her own morals should dictate she stays away from a married man----

This guy is not a life long friend he is a work acquaintance, and that is all------She needs to wake up, and get her own priorities straight---also whenever those of opposite sexes do something physical together----passions could hit like a wildfire---sex could happen, even if not meant to---so she is playing with fire


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

jnj express said:


> Age wise--this is probably the last go around for the 2 of you---so you need to get it right
> 
> How committed is your relationship---are you living together---are you anywhere close to popping the question
> 
> ...


See what happened to Petraeus?

tommy, if she really cared about you she would be looking running clubs either standalone, with meetup or at a private gym. I love cycling, my fiance doesn't. I go with a meetup group and my fiance joins us at the end. that's how 2 people who care about each other work it.


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## Isuck (Jul 1, 2012)

Man reading the first post my first thought was "That guy wants her and wants to be way more then just friends". This woman sounds like she's not in it for the long haul and is indifferent to whether you continue being in her life or not.

There are PLENTY of fish in the sea my friend. Tell her to stop it or you're gone. Don't be shocked when she says "Ok, we'll end it then". 

Sucks to hear, but that's what my gut is telling me, you should be listening to yours too.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I'm a runner and have run in mixed running groups. Most women runners I know don't run as fast as I do, so I get that can be an issue. I also don't have a general issue with opposite sex casual friends or acquaintances.

That being said, I would not continue to run with someone I had had a flirty relationship with while single, and who was confiding marriage difficulties to me, even in a group probably. It's asking for trouble. 

She's not really committed to you. Maybe she's not really interested in anything exclusive over the long-term.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

She could be under the impression that your relationship isn't all that serious. She might be unwilling to drop running buddies and friends if she's uncertain where you two are headed. Maybe she thinks you're holding back, so why should she behave as though you've already committed to each other?


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## Madman1 (Oct 24, 2012)

Any update Op?


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

I know the thread is a bit outdated but she's clearly not ready for a committed relationship. You need to cut your losses and move on. 

Her behavior, her bff's behavior, their past history and behavior, as well as her hypocrisy and being unwilling to cut off contact with that guy because "She doesn't like working out alone" are all red flags. So her ex-husband's "indifference and lack of emotional availability is why she left him" is why she left HIM but you seem to not have that issue yet she has a problem with it??

Sounds like you just got involved with the wrong woman. If you haven't already, ditch her.


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