# waited too long? no longer in love?



## soconfused1984

Hello all, and thanks in advance for taking the time to read my question and I look forward to read your opinions on this.
Well my husband and I have been married for almost 7 yrs. and I cannot say happily married because its not true. He has a bad temper, he has hurt me emotionally over and over, he has never hit me but i don't see a difference if he does or not...many things have happened and he has tried to cheat on me before, i caught him before he did it and then apologize and we start all over! i'm always walking on eggshells living with him until last summer, we had a huge argument, Im not a fighter, I rather sit, talk calmly and maturely but hes the opposite. After that argument when i told him everything i wanted and asked him to change one last time, he agreed and promised to change. Now, its been almost 9 months since he has changed for good many things that i used to hate and be angry about but now the problems is that i really don't feel like i love him no more!!! when i think about a life without him, i get happy! when he's not around, i feel great!! i don't miss him, I don't care if he looks at me or not, I don't care about his opinions etc. etc. now, you probably thinking Im the bad person here because he is now changing for good and i'm not appreciating it, the thing is that I really do appreciate it, I do see the change, I do care for him, but I no longer feel "in love" with him!!! has someone been in the same situation as me? I really don't know what to do because if i talk to him, he will be extremely upset and go back to his bad behaviors!! in other words I'm scared of his reaction. What do i do?? I really don't see myself spending the rest of my life with him


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## In_The_Wind

Sounds like you have had enough and have checked out for good 

have yall tried MC ??? I feel if these are your feelings then you should get honest with him and both move on its not fair for either of yall


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## soconfused1984

hi, thanks for your reply =) well, i had mentioned it to him and he doesn't believe in that and he does not want to go. also, I really can't find the energy to go through it, that is why I was thinking that I no longer care and no longer love him. before I would do anything to go to MC but now it's like i really don't care. He does love me cus I can see many signs that he does and he tells me eveyday, but on my part is the opposite =S...Im really scared of him taking my child out of anger or something, we have a 6 yrs old...


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## In_The_Wind

Hi SO 1984 If he is unwilling to change and you have the feelings that you have then maybe yall should think about separating and see where things go i know you feel its over etc and those are valid feelings however you do have a child involved and i am not saying that marriage should be at all costs either I personally would feel better knowing that i did or attempted to do anything and everything that i could to try to make it work but like you said it takes 2 one cannot do everything 

Good Luck


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## soconfused1984

thanks so much for your advice =) yeah my son is the reason I've taken so much =S...He has never been close to our son, he doesn't play with him, he doesn't ask about his school stuff, he is there everyday but not really...if he's gone for a few days, my son doesn't miss him, but I know my son does need a father figure and I've tried talking to him about it and he plays this " i'm the worst father ever" character and starts crying...anyways, i see your point and thank you alot for your time and reply =)


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## soconfused1984

ok, so this weekend was hell for me!! I tried telling him but I just couldn't find the right moment, i mean i know there will be no right moment but i was just trying to get the the words out, be honest to him about my feelings, but he's being too nice and i'm scared to death! of his reaction...yesterday he spent the day in bed watching tv and didn't want to come out with my son and I to play or do any activity and that makes me upset, he just wants me to lay there on bed watching movies all day!!! auughh!!! he is so lazy and that frustrates me, I have talked to him about it in ever form possible but he just doesn't get it!!! he hugs me and I really get annoyed cus I cannot stand him no more =/ anyways,,, just wanted to share this with you...


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## luckycardinal

I know how you feel...my husband has tried to make some positive changes but he keeps going back and forth. I do care for him as a person, but in a way I'd care for a cousin or other relative. There is no physical attraction on my part and I too get annoyed when he tries to hug or kiss me.


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## soconfused1984

yeah me too, I care for him like a relative, or friend...Friday we we're having some drinks outside just the two of us and he makes me laugh and stuff like friends but no longer crazy for him like before we would have a good time and be crazy about eachother...


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## Wellsie

I am going through the *exact* same thing. I created this account to lurk and read other stories for help, but I could have written your post minus the 6 year old. He has a 4 year old who lives with us, and I don't even like the way he treats her. It breaks my heart, but when I try to step in, I am reminded that I am only the stepmom. Not in those exact words, but I get the point. 

My husband has agreed to MC, and I will go, but I don't know if we are too far past the point of no return. Yesterday we were having dinner outside, and had such a good day and a serious talk, and again, he promised to work on temper. Not even an hour after we came in for the night he was calling 4 year old a "moron" for not holding her toothbrush right... 

Right before bed, he said he "really needs to stop doing that." Uhm, yeah...

Edited to add, I too hate when he tries to kiss on me and get intimate. It makes me cringe.


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## soconfused1984

omg wow!!! it feels so good to read that I'm not alone in this feelings and that there are other woman that feel the same as i do!!! =/ my son told me yesterday he didn't care if daddy stayed at his work overnight...actually my son is happier when he is not around!!!! we get to cuddle, laugh, play, cook, etc. when my husband is around, he gets annoyed with us making "too much" noise, or when i pay more attention to my son than him like when i read to him while we all lay in bed to watch tv...he wants me to stay all day laying down hugging him and doing everything he wants! auughghh!! one day he is acting nice and kind,,,next minute he's cuzing at the guy who missed a spot mowing the lawn!!!! or cuzing at me cus he can't find his one of 5 red shirts that he has >:/...he is a nice person but his temper doesn't allow him to change for good...


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## Trickster

Hey so confused...

I think that my wife and I are just friends. I usually sleep in the spare bedroom We have zero romance. Our 8 year old daughter usually has to tell us to hug. Usually she will say in a wisper to me..."Daddy..sneak up behing Mommy and tickle her". It all feels fake to me. We are for sure not crazy about each other. 

Over the past year, she is trying to be more like a wife. The sex is without a doubt more than ever before. But, it is only because I am puylling away from her. I don't believe she has any reral interest in it. 

I don't know how to leave. My wife refuses to work and with all our debt, I am pretty much stuck. 

Like you, I don't see me growing old with my wife. I hope with the help of TAM, I will find a solution. I think You will to. I am getting stronger because of TAM.You are not alone here


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## soconfused1984

thank you "already gone" yeah here its the only place i can express my emotions freely without being judged...my reason for not walking away is because i'm scared of my husband's reaction! he is very explosive and can hurt alot, i know i have to do it eventually but I'll have to figure out a way...I do hope you find a solution too and yes it feels horrible to be with someone you no longer love. =/


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

Okay, SoConfused and Wellsie, I'm going to jump in with both feet!

I am a little bit further down the road than you two, but it is the SAME road. Have been married 19yrs (together 22yrs) to a controlling man who wants everything HIS WAY. We have a 14yo daughter.

*SoConfused:* You KNOW your life would be better without him. You are happier when he is not around, not walking on eggshells, trying endlessly to keep him happy so he doesn't explode (but he doesn't seem to mind p*ssing off you and your son...as long as HE's happy.) 

Look at this marriage through your SON's eyes! He is learning how to be a man by watching his father. Are these the lessons you want him to learn? He is entitled to everything he wants because he owns a penis, everyone should do as HE demands because he is the man/husband/father. He is learning about being married/how to treat a wife by watching the both of you. Are these the lessons you want him to learn? Would you be proud if, 20 years from now, you saw HIM treating his own wife (and mother of his child/children) this way?

Don't you know that your son REALIZES that HE is NOT IMPORTANT to your husband? Don't you think that hurts him and breaks his heart? Yes, your son needs a father figure. It does NOT have to be THIS MAN just because he is the biological contributor. Your husband is certainly not an EMOTIONAL or spiritual contributor to your son!

Yes, your husband has made some changes for the better. He should have done that ANYWAY just to be a better man. YOU have given him multiple chances (after he tried to have an affair, after you have explained his bad temper, after you told him what you NEED to be happy in this marriage.) He has made some changes. But he hasn't made ENOUGH changes, or the damage is too far along, for you to care any more at this point. Quit worrying about being 'fair' to HIM. Be FAIR to yourself and, more importantly, to YOUR SON.

MOVE ON. Move on for yourself, because you can't see yourself suffering and existing like this for 40 more years. Move on for your son, so HE can see what healthy relationships are SUPPOSED to look like. If he never sees one, how will he ever HAVE one???

Get yourself in IC after you split with your husband and fix your own problems. Otherwise, you cannot be a healthy model of adulthood for your son. If you eventually meet a wonderful man who loves you and your son, YOU have to be ready to have a GREAT HEALTHY marriage....and you can't do that until YOU own up to YOUR OWN problems and FIX THEM.

*Please learn the lesson it took me TWO DECADES to figure out on my own:* Although *I* might have been willing to put up with a lot of cr*p through the years from my husband, it was always MY choice (however wrong-headed it was.) MY CHILD does NOT have that choice. She only gets out of this emotionally abusive household if I TAKE HER OUT OF IT. And I am. You should, too.

*Wellsie:* Take note! You should have some individual sessions or SOME OPPORTUNITY to voice your thoughts/feelings/opinions to the counselor WITHOUT FEAR of your husband's reactions! Maybe, with his/her help, you will be able to bring them up in a session with BOTH of you and the counselor. But you MUST bring them up, or they will never be resolved.

Good luck to both of you! I will be thinking of you. 

Send me some good thoughts if you would, too! I told my husband back at the end of Oct. that I wanted a divorce and would be leaving. Have not brought it up since (agreed to stay through the holidays so they wouldn't be ruined, then decided to stay through the end of the school year...4 wks. left). It is now time to bring it up again and let him know WE'RE LEAVING. He has been living in absolute DENIAL since the end of Oct. talking about what we're going to do in the future. I have "uh-huh'd" him the whole way because I'm trying to avoid his rages. But, I have made sure I have NEVER told him "I love you" since I told him back in Oct. that I didn't love him (also that I didn't hate him.) Sh*t's about to hit the fan, but it NEEDS to be done.


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## Wellsie

SlowlyGettingWiser, thank you for your post. I haven't said anything on here before because I am programmed to be ready for ridicule about how I feel. That's how my own husband reacts to me, why would internet strangers be any more kind? 

I don't think I mentioned it, but you're right. I AM afraid of his reactions, and because of that, I don't think I will be completely open in MC. I fully intend to ask for a IC appointment also. I really hope they call me back today. He keeps telling me that "I knew what I was getting into when I married him." Well, I did NOT because he kept this well under wraps or else I never would have married him.

Looking back, there were a few red flags thrown up, and I didn't see them for what they were. You know what they say about hindsight...

You are so brave and I am thinking of you too. I can identify with the uh-huhing of things. Keep your spine, and sounds like you have everything well in hand, no matter how hard it is.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

Wellsie:

Thanks! It's sad when you think about the fact that a perfect stranger will treat you better than your spouse...shows you how beaten-down you can get when simple kindness is a shock!

Come back to this thread and let us know if you got you IC and your MC scheduled. We REALLY do care, girl! Keep on coming here for GREAT advice, GREAT SUPPORT, a few laughs, and people who have BEEN IN YOUR SHOES. I love this place, people are wonderful whether you need advice, just to vent, or a kick in the azz (they're not afraid to do that, either.)


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## drmmommy

luckycardinal said:


> I know how you feel...my husband has tried to make some positive changes but he keeps going back and forth. I do care for him as a person, but in a way I'd care for a cousin or other relative. There is no physical attraction on my part and I too get annoyed when he tries to hug or kiss me.


I'm in the same situation, but my husband and I no longer have any physical contact whatsoever. I spent too long tolerating his bs, and now that he's changing for the better, I reel bad because I'm just not interested. Too much for too long. The only reason were still together is for our son.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soconfused1984

thank you so much for your posts "slowly getting wiser" and "Wellsie"..I no longer feel so alone on this!


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## soconfused1984

same here drmmommy!! our men took too long to change! and now we're the bad ones!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

What really p*sses me off, is when I read "my spouse took off without ever saying *why*! I don't know what I did wrong?!"

Maybe that's true OCCASIONALLY, but I would bet MOST of the time the spouse DID tell them what was wrong and they wouldn't LISTEN, or they wouldn't BELIEVE it, or they wouldn't ACCEPT it because it wasn't what they wanted to hear!


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## soconfused1984

exactly!!!! i told mine ALL the time what he needed to change and he always refused to tell me what i did wrong so that i least can do my part!!! >:/ he better not ask me what did he do wrong cus he knows excatly what's wrong =/....i already picture in my head what he's going to say: shame on me, shame on me, shame on me! hahaha!


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## bluebeauty

I am so with all of you on this. They take SO long to change, then it's OUR fault when we aren't interested...


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

sometimes I have so many 'DUH' moments with my hubby I just want to scream...

He got in an argument with our 14yo daughter (they were BOTH in the wrong). He is screaming at her in the car "You're a b!tch! You're stupid. If you don't start doing things right (meaning HIS way), you're going to be a LOSER and I won't have much to do with you!"

Then (2 days later) he says to me, "I don't feel like you support my parenting." D-U-H... I said, "You mean when you called her a b!tch, etc. etc., not have much to do with her? You don't have to be insulting and demeaning!" He says, "When I'm MAD, she's gonna know it!" I said, "You still don't have to be insulting and mean!" He says, "Well, that's the way I feel." 

Yeah, well, you wonder WHY I'm done with you....why I'm taking our child and leaving.....DUH...

I've got a million more like 'em (shame on ME for staying so long!)


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## soconfused1984

hopefully i can confront him no later than this week,,, =S yikes! can't believe i'm finally doing it...i'll just pray for the best and hopefully my son won't see us fight or anything cus that is the least i want, but he doesn't care he just screams and shouts and throws stuf...aaauughh!


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## Trickster

soconfused1984 said:


> exactly!!!! i told mine ALL the time what he needed to change and he always refused to tell me what i did wrong so that i least can do my part!!! >:/ he better not ask me what did he do wrong cus he knows excatly what's wrong =/....i already picture in my head what he's going to say: shame on me, shame on me, shame on me! hahaha!


Sorry soconfused... Your hubby sounds like a weenie...I've been reading many books on marriage recently. My wife just kinda laughs. I just tell her that something is wrong here and I am trying to fix my part. Has she even opened the books?.. NO... I'll even ask her what issues she has with me and she has no reply. She is afraid to ask me what issues I have with her. Sometime I let things slip and she cries and cries and cries. She is such a weenie.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

> shame on me, shame on me, shame on me


If he gets too nasty, you can just tell him the ONLY shame you feel right now is for wasting so much time on his sorry azz and for making your son witness such cr*p


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## soconfused1984

yeah nobody is perfect so there must be things i need to change, but he needs to let me know, he once told me that i no longer was the nice girl he married! lmao!!! well DUH!!!!!! how can i be if he continuously stepped all over me?? hahahah


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## soconfused1984

that's right "slowly getting wiser" that is my only regret, to waste so much time and letting my son watch and presence his bad behavior towards me, him and other people we care about!!


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## Trickster

soconfused1984 said:


> yeah nobody is perfect so there must be things i need to change, but he needs to let me know, he once told me that i no longer was the nice girl he married! lmao!!! well DUH!!!!!! how can i be if he continuously stepped all over me?? hahahah


For so long I think I was "needy" and I was ALWAYS so sweet and caring...I am not nearly as nice as I was 20 years ago. I let her walk all over me and for the life of me, I can't figure it out.
She also told me that I am not nice anymore. TOOO funny


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## soconfused1984

yeap!! exact same here!! I am very loving, patient, caring, understanding, which makes me a perfect candidate for being stepped on....lmao! he tells me he's scared to loose me, but i tell him he's scared of loosing his doormat!! lmao!!


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## Trickster

Doormat may be the term as far as how I feel. Abot 2 years ago was the last straw and my wife knows it. I did a little 180 stuff and she makes temporary changes and makes promises but it can't change the past. I know, I know, we can't live in the past or continue to look at past mistakes but I do. Soo I am weak and I cave in. Although I am getting stronger all the time. I know she is affraid of loosing her meal ticket. Her life is easy.


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## soconfused1984

so sorry you're going through this as well,,,,a year ago i was in that same phase that the past hurt me so much and coudn't get over it,,,but now i think about it and it doesn't even hurt me! i don't cry over it no more, etc..i only wish i walked away earlier thats all, I am starting to love myself more cus my self esteem was soooo down! that i thought i deserve all that pain! Thank God i no longer think that way =) you can look at your past and LEARN from your mistakes,, that's better =)


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

> I am not nice anymore


Hey, I'm thinking of making that my new tagline...

*'Hell no, I'm not NICE anymore...I WISED UP!'*


...whaddya think? :rofl:


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## soconfused1984

it's awesome!!


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## gear1903

hi all, i was reading your thread with interest as i am actually in the position of many of your spouses, with my wife being the one who is feeling that she is no longer in true love with me. we've never had any physical altercations and she has told me she doesn't feel any emotional abuse, but she just generally feels like she put more into the marriage than i did for the last couple years and is just tired now of not getting the happiness in return that she thinks she deserves. she knows how good of a person i am, dependable and responsible, but just not as spontaneous as she was hoping for and not as good at showing how much i love her in the way she wants to be shown. 

while i am certainly hurting and doing everything in my power to salvage things, reading this thread has helped me better understand the pain and agony she must be going through as well, and why a lot of the things that i try to do to make things better only make her angrier.

promising i can change (sounds silly, but 'planning' to be 'more spontaneous', that i can be more affectionate and that i can learn her 'love language'), begging for a chance to prove i can change...all of that means nothing now. i had 12-13 years to change, why now? and she's had 12-13 years of history on who i am. why should she trust that i can change now? she has told me that when i say she is beautiful or want to kiss her these days, she pulls away because she just can't believe i mean it any more. we've been physically separated for over a month now, and it will be another month before we can really settle anything (as she just left the country for a month for work-related reasons). 

i'm coming to the realization that i can't do much more to convince her right now, and that i need to improve myself as a person and a companion (the 180). 

i guess my questions to you that are in her position are:

- what, if anything, would it take for you to give your spouse a chance to prove themselves?

- at this point, do you think you need to explore other relationships as a basis of comparison to see whether or not your existing marriage is as good as it gets?

- does the lingering uncertainty drive you further towards the conclusion that you cannot ever be with your spouse long-term? in other words, would you respect your spouse more if they just gave you the divorce?

thanks for your input.


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## soconfused1984

well in my case, i gave my husband too many chances to change and he didn't he ended up doing it when i'm already tired of waiting....in your case it seems like your wife just came out open about this so I think you do deserve a chance to show you can change, but you can ask her to change things too, i'm sure she's not perfect....when my husband asked me what did he needed to change, i told him exactly and he said he was willing to do it but i had to try to do my part and aknowledge and pay attention to his change, and i agreed! I noticed tremendous change in him in many aspects, when he would hug me and be nice, i would respond and not act all mad and continue to reject him,,,stuff like that...so i think you should really be straight to her and tell her you really want to change but she has to be willing to accept you change...in my opinion..i'm sorry you're going through a tough situation =/


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

Everybody's situation is, of course, different. I am at the point of no-return. A short synopsis (I will TRY to be brief, we've been married for 19yrs, together 22yrs, have a 14yo daughter)

Hasn't earned any income in 10+ yrs. Has been trying to make a success of several business ventures. Will the new one work? Don't know, don't care. Has bought houses we couldn't afford (foreclosed on) and I didn't want in HIS NAME ONLY (turned out to be a good thing cuz it didn't screw up my credit), a truck (ditto), horses, dogs (I am not a pet lover), has made unilateral decisions on where we live (he works from HOME!), what we drive, what we buy, how we spend free time, etc. for YEARS. Has NO empathy for others, is racist, bigotted, sincerely believes that anyone who doesn't agree with him is either (a) ignorant and needs to be convinced or (b) just being stubborn. Refuses to compromise on ANYTHING because "if you compromise, then nobody wins" (THAT is a direct quote), when I TRY talk to him about finances (whether I'm upset or calm, makes no difference) he says, "you're just making sh*t up to worrry about" (another direct quote). You DID notice the part where he hasn't earned any income in 10+ yrs, right? 

He has continually ignored our daughter, never showed interest in playing with her (unless it was something HE wanted to do) because he said it was "boring", refused to help with the housework even when I was pregnant and working full-time because he "doesn't LIKE it"...you get the picture! Add a raging temper, and you've got my life. Let's not even GET INTO how heavily in debt we are...


> - what, if anything, would it take for you to give your spouse a chance to prove themselves?


 NOT POSSIBLE. He has had 20 years to prove himself and all he's proven is that he's selfish, self-centered, demanding, and fiscally irresponsible. Everything is all about HIM.


> - at this point, do you think you need to explore other relationships as a basis of comparison to see whether or not your existing marriage is as good as it gets?


 Anything is better than this! I have been a virtual single-parent for our daughter's entire life. I play/interact/read with her, I help with homework, I encourage/nurture/talk with her. I do ALL the housework (she helps), pay the bills, am the responsible one. I feel like I am the mother of TWO teenagers, only ONE of them is getting more mature and the other never will. I have no PARTNER here, just another 'child'.


> - does the lingering uncertainty drive you further towards the conclusion that you cannot ever be with your spouse long-term? in other words, would you respect your spouse more if they just gave you the divorce?


 I have no respect for him; he hasn't earned it. He will not be giving me a divorce, I am GIVING HIM ONE...and he can hate it all he wants (and he will, he will now be forced to GROW UP and do everything himself...too bad.)

I know this hasn't really helped you, gear1903, but it has certainly made ME feel better. The only thing I can say is that if your wife has reached the point of no-return, NOTHING you say/do will change her mind. She is determined that an unknown future is BETTER than where she was before. I don't mean to imply anything about YOU, but if that's how she feels, that's how she feels (whether she is justified in it or not.)

I DO realize everyone's situation is different, but it kind of irritates me (no offense) when I hear spouses (of both genders) say, "but I'll change..." I think, well, then what the hell have you been waiting for? Why does it take an imminent divorce for some people to say 'Oh, I guess he/she means it this time.' No wonder the OS is p*ssed off...they feel they've been ignored or demeaned or abused or whatever for YEARS and NOW that it's finally going to actually impact spouse, NOW spouse gives a cr*p (when he/she didn't bother to give a cr*p for years before because OS's complaints didn't seem important enough.)

**Stepping down from soap box now**

Am REALLY an expert on point-of-no-return. Got questions about THAT, I've got a POV.


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## soconfused1984

yeah i do too feel that no matter how what my husband says or does to change will convince me,,,,i've had enough and i'm exhausted...=/ i no longer feel for him,, nothing whatsover....yikes!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

Yikes for him, GOOD for you. You have no doubt that you are making the right choice for you.


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## soconfused1984

hahaah exactly! yikes for him Lol!! so yesterday he asked me if he could hang out with a friend today after work...i was like: OH ok, all of the sudden you're not sleepy to hang out with a friend? but you are sleepy to take your son to karate? ...wow....he never takes him now! when we first signed him in we have both agreed to share commitment to take him at least 3 times a day...now, its all on me and i have to get out of work, go pick my son, take him to karate, wait there an hour, come home, cook dinner, change, go to the gym (if i'm lucky to have that for myself) come back, bathe my child ( make sure he showers properly) clean up kitchen, pick up his S** he leaves around (my husband), shower, eat dinner (finally) and go to sleep if there aren't any other things that show up...all this meanwhile he sleeps and rests for the afternoon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...so he didn't answer me and just gave me his back...then at night he wanted to have intimacy???? oh helllll no!!


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## soconfused1984

i meant 3 times a week*


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## gear1903

soconfused, slowlygettingwiser, thanks very much for the feedback.

soconfused, i would agree with you that my wife should give me a chance to show i can change, but i know she does not think so. she feels she made it clear to me that these things had to change. i think the issue is we have different ways of communicating and we never took the time to understand what each of us really means through what we say and the way we act. when i brought this up, she was upset, saying that if i truly knew her, i wouldn't have to ask exactly what she was upset with. but then she does confess she regrets not being clearer or suggesting counesling earlier so we could better understand our differences in ways of communicating. but regardless of what we each could have done, she says its too late.

slowlygettingwiser, i hate to take sides without hearing both sides of a story, but your situation does seem quite unfair to you and i really do understand why you are at the point of no return. what you mentioned about "why does it take the threat of divorce to make you want to change" is certainly something that has upset my wife as well, but for us, i believe it is tied to our different ways of communicating that i mentioned above. i hope my wife is not at that point of no return yet, because i do understand that once that is reached, it is a losing game to try to force someone to change their mind. 

i hope that the time off that my wife has gives her the strength to find out what she wants in life. i realize there is a high possibility that what she wants is not me. but i think the worst thing i can do right now is call and email her asking what she's doing and whether she's given thought to 'us'. 

it's just horrible to be feeling in limbo right now though...


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

> i think the worst thing i can do right now is call and email her asking what she's doing and whether she's given thought to 'us'.


 You are SO right, gear. Calling or emailing will make her feel smothered or that you're either 'not listening/hearing her' or you're 'dismissing' her.

Trust me, she's thinking about 'us.'

I wish happiness for you both...however that plays out.


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## gear1903

thanks. yes, i've been advised that once i've made it clear that i want to work it out, i don't (and in fact shouldn't) need to keep reminding her or telling her i love her. i also don't need to keep asking what she thinks of 'us'. as you said, it's always on her mind, i'm sure. and she knows how i feel and doesn't need/want to be reminded all the time. if she is ready to talk, she knows how to reach me.


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## Numb in Ohio

Wow! Just read this thread and it hit home to me. My H has emotionally and verbally demeaned me for our 10 years together. He poked fun at my sexual past ( because of child sexual abuse). which in turn made me feel ashamed/guilty/responsible for the abuse. 

I found out he was having 2 EA's this last year ( one of them he has talked to for our whole 10 years together, it was with his old high school sweet heart) and says they are "just friends". 

He is very controlling, "his way or no way". 

He had never taken my feeling into consideration until "after" his infidelity was uncovered, then all of a sudden he now wants to be oh so understanding and remorseful. 

He gets angry and says mean things ( I believe his true feelings come out when he's real mad) .... because now I don't just give into his manipulation... We are separated, going to IC. 

I have been trying and trying to see if i can forgive him and feel "something" more for him, but I don't. 

I think all through the years have just made me cold/numb and just plain wore out emotionally.


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## soconfused1984

"numb in Ohio" I'm glad you're moving on with your life from this man!!! it is ok to forgive him and not wanting to be with him anymore...I see myself forgiving my husband but no loner living a life with him =) so don't feel like you have to give in again and continue with him!! i wish you the best =)


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

Numb:

I am SO SORRY for your situation...

Child sexual abusers are the most heinous monsters on earth, I believe they should be executed immediately...no prison, no rehab. They prey on the most innocent among us, and devastate lives!

I also don't have any sympathy for serial cheaters. Once? Maybe a mistake...maybe. Twice, it's a way of life, a feeling of entitlement. The fact that your husband cheated twice (and one of them was long-term) would make it clear that he loves only himself and has no respect or regard for you.

Continue with your IC. It can ONLY help YOU feel better about yourself, your life, your choices. I hope you will move on and find a better life for yourself filled with peace, dignity and worth (with or without another man.) If you DO find another man in the future, you want to be sure that YOU are ready for a HEALTHY, GREAT relationship by dealing with your OWN problems beforehand.

TAM is a great place to find support, validation, wisdom, a kick in the azz (when needed), and people who have been in your shoes!

Hang in there, Numb, I'm rooting for you heavily! Am also sending you a big *hug* from the middle-of-nowhere-Indiana.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

BTW, Numb, you're a BETTER woman than I am!


> He poked fun at my sexual past ( because of child sexual abuse).


  
Had this been MY husband, I would have clawed his eyes out, ripped his 'jewels' off with my bare hands, and beaten him to death with a baseball bat.

...but that's just me! :smthumbup:


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## soconfused1984

hahaha!!! yeah he deserves that and more! he has no right of making fun of you and it made me angry when i read that!! >:/ he has serious issues obviously and you need to move on girly! go on be happy!!!


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## soconfused1984

ok so..yesterday my husband and I didn't talk much, we went to pick up the car from the dealer and as usual he just talks about himself and how great he is at his job! etc. etc. i usually just zone out and think about something else meanwhile he talks...blah, blah, blah,,,i know it sounds mean but the does that to me too when i'm talking about my problems...anyways, so he spend the rest of the evening at his friend's house, he came home about 11:00 pm and then his other friend came over and left until 6:00 AM!!! he slept on the couch cus he said he smelled like smoke and he didnt want to lay down that way,,,,before i would get upset for doing that often you know going with his friends all the time and not wanting to spend some quality time with our son, but now, it's like whatever do what you wish, i feel better when you're gone...yikes! lol!!! so i slept better, the bed to myself!!! yeeyy! hahaha! anyways i just wanted to share since i really don't talk to anyone about this =)


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## soconfused1984

ohhh! one more thing,,,so the following weekend there is a fight we've been wanting to see (maywhether vs. Miguel cotto) anyways,,,there is friend couple we hang out with and they invited us to their house to watch it, the problem is that i have a son and i cannot just stay as long as i want to hang out you know...so my husband said that we can go to their house, watch the fight, and then when it's time for me to go home that i can go with my son by myself (1 hr. drive) and he can spend the night with them!!!!!!!! WTF?? anyways,,,so i told him i was not even going to go then cus i'm not driving by myself in the middle of the night with my son!!! so he got mad saying that i always want to ruin his time, that he needs to have fun and that he's going no matter what! he even asked a day off to the next day from work so he won't go hungover!!!!! hahahah!! what do you think?? this is not he first time he stays over at this friends and leave me by myself, i really don't care if he does the point is that why can he just act like married man and respect? anwyays,,i once mentioned him that i was going to a 2 day woman's retreat from church and he refused cus i was going to spend the night away from home and that was not right! hahahah! omg at this point i don't even know what to think!! >:/


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

Sounds pretty selfish!

But I think you're right to stay home. It would not be safe to drive an hour home at night (especially if there's been drinking involved.)
Sorry you'll have to miss the fight, but maybe you and your little guy can do something fun (a restaurant your son likes but maybe your husband doesn't, a movie your son's been wanting to see, something that 'makes too much noise' when your husband is around). Just something to have a special day/night with your son.

When my daughter was little, we used to put sleeping bags and pillows on the living room floor, make popcorn, and watch movies SHE wanted to see. We'd stay up late (on Friday nights, no work the next day) and have 'girl time'. Maybe your son would have some suggestions???


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## soconfused1984

yeah! and in fact that made my happier cus most of my free time i play with my son and do so many things and have so much fun..last weekend we were playing puppets and he was laughing and laughing so hard,,and i love that,,so looks like that weekend will be more fun since he won't be there to say: Can you go to sleep already! i'm trying to sleeep here!!! lmao!! at 8:30 pm!....right now i went to the house for lunch and he was there acting incredibly nice!!!! i was like WTF??? man he sure does like the rollercoaster ride he has with his moods,,,,he asked me why didn't i say bye to him in the morning, i reminded him i never usually do!! lol....he's so unpredictable!


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## soconfused1984

UPDATE!!!--wow what a weekend!...so Friday he came home after work (9:00) am, barely said hi to our son, took a shower, changed, and left with his friend and just told me that he was going to stay with him till next day to have drinks...i was like fine whatever...he txted me next day asking if i could go pick him up..HAHAHAHA!!! i was like helllll no!! so he waited until my brother in law (which is living with us) got out of work to go pick him up at 5:00...meanwhile i did so many things that day, went to the park the mall, got with friends and their kids, went shopping, went to eat, etc. i had so much fun!! until i got home..he was just getting there also and he was acting all nice and bubbly! (like when he does something wrong) but i just ignored him, and we started arguing! all afternoon! i came all out! i told him so many things that were bothering him etc. etc. he told me alot of stuff also, i confronted him about the txts that i've seen from him to other girls etc. etc. so he was the one that told me he wanted to separate cus I'm the one with the issues LMAO!!! (i was like great! perfect!) that i'm always mad because he goes out and that eveything is my fault (like always) so since i was exhausted i didn't want to fight and went to sleep, he locked me outside my room so i slept in my son's...next day (sunday) he went to work early and texted me later on in the morning, saying "i'm sorry, i want to change etc. etc. etc. (same story as always) but i refused to give in this time, we started arguing over txts hahah! so i went to the park with my son, then to Mcdonald's again to have some fun, enjoy the weather and just enjoy my weekend with him,,,,but later in the afternoon when we were in McDonald's he txted me and aske where i was with my son, and i told him, and he got mad!!!! he has always gotten mad because i go out with my son! LMAO!! for some reason, but yet again he doesn't like to join us! he rather stay home and sleep and us being there for him when he wakes up or comes from work...anwyays,,so he asked me to go tot he house and take HIS son to him!!! I was like what????? so now you want to be a real father that wants to see his son?? hahahahah!!! he makes me laugh now with his childish stuff! anwyays,,, so i just told him that i would take him home, when he was tired and ready to go not because he asked, and he could come and get him if he wanted,,,so he didn't reply..then we went home and give my son a shower, and i just went outside to wash my car cus he never helps me with that,, anyways,,went i got home i was ready to sleep and went to my son's bed,,he then came and insisted i go to our bed, that he was goning to respect me (yeah right)!!! i was like no thank you i'm good, he insisted over and over,,,and i hate it when he does that then i get more in denial! auughh!! so he gave up and went to bed =) the end! haha! today he hasn't texted me so far, cus he likes to push you to fight and and argue for some reaon! he seems to enjoy that! but i'm not going down to his level >:/ so I am done and looking for a place this week so i can have a normal happy life =)


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## Whatinthe

Hi SoConfused. I aplogize if I'm hijacking your thread. I thought it was interesting that you said he makes you laugh and you have fun togther but you don't feel that fire anymore. That's pretty much where my wife and I are and she will be moving half way across the country in a week. The only difference is I believe there is another man. I'm not really sure what I've done wrong other than not being as attentive as she would like emotionally. We have travelledto Europe and the U.S. together and do a lot of things together. I'm just wondering what got you to the point you're at now? Also, how do you think I should handle our goodbye's next week?


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## soconfused1984

hi "what in the"!!...well i realized i no longer loved my husband when i noticed i avoided to even be in the same room with him, not consiously though! i wasn't mad or anything it just happened,,,i no longer enjoy his company becasue of the way he is but when he has his good days, we can have a normal chat and laugh or watch movies, like a friend, but not like love, not like crazy about eachother i know marriages to through faces but this is not it, this is different i have more fun and i'm happier when he's not around...in your case maybe the fire just got low for a bit and maybe by being away from eachother will make you realize what you really feel? before when i was in love with my husband i couldn't even think of being away from him!! is your wife moving on her own? forever? or just temporarily?...i got to this point with him cus he killed our love,,,i see love like when you have a little plant you're trying to grow,,it needs to get watered, take care of, trimming etc. and when you don't water it it stops growing and it eventually dies,,,on my part i tried to water every time that i could, even trying to bring up the fire etc. etc. doing spontaneous stuff, spoiling him, and all possible things i could think of, but the way he his didn't let him realize all this and he didn't do his part at all, just insult me, scream at me, etc. and that killed it.....i would say take this time to get your feelings straight, talk to her about your feelings or ask her how she feels, don't hide anything!!!!! us woman we love to listen well at least most woman,,,hehe,,we like a man that is open to us about talking and hearing and also consistent about their changes (when they promise to change) so there you go that might help =) i wrote my pros and cons about staying with my husband but the cons won! you need to ask her what does she expect from you since you mentioned you don't know what you did wrong,,,good luck


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## Whatinthe

Thanks soconfused. I'm sure she's already gone. I have never yelled at her or treated her badly. Somewhere along the way she must have lost respect. Best of luck to you.


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## soconfused1984

thanks "what inthe" ....i got an update!!! so monday night my husband tried to convince me to think straightly, to forgive him, to start over, (AGAIN) and i kept my word NO at all times, he cried, threw a fit, etc. etc. we were at it from 9:00 at night till 5:30 in the morning the next day!!!!!! he refused to let me go and realized all this time the way he treated me, cause my love for him to fade away...he went to work and before he left he told me to really think about things and that i should let him know in the afternoon...well turns out yesterday i was really sick with fever and stuff so i stayed home, he came around noon all nice and bubbly, trying to make me feel better, when in the past he never cared for me when i was sick!!! anyways,,,he was laying next to me on the bed all the time and took my son to karate (finally) played with him outside, etc. so he was acting all "good dad" which is good i mean i appreciate it but hope he does it for him and not for me,,,anyways,,,so he called his dad and talked about everything that had happend and i really like my father in law, he is a very smart, kind, man...he doesn't take sides and is very honest, so he told him to give me some space to really think things through and analyze if i really want to be with him so he came and told me this and i was like alright,,,he said that he is willing to take whatever decision i make without throwing a fit and starting a war... i agreed so last night he slept in my son's room and today morning there was a flower, and a card, at firt i thought: is today a holiday? hahaha! but no i remember that evertime we go through this he gets me things....lol...anyways...i've been thinking ALOT and i still feel the same, i no longer want to be with him, sad, but true. =/


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## Whatinthe

Good for him to give you space. If he actually does it you never know what might happen. I never begged my wife to stay. I understand this is her journey and she should find her happiness. Too bad she's moving so far away though. If she finds out the grass isnt greener it's going to be much harder to try to reconcile from 1000 miles away. By the way, him leaving a flower isn't really giving you space.


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## soconfused1984

haha! yeah i told him its better if he does not try to give me stuff cus then i'll be thinking that he is just doing it to make me happy at the moment, when all these years he didn't do it,,,lol...my head hurts from thinking so much! auughh it would've been better like you did, respect my decision and move on! he doesn't understand that I am no longer in love! when you no longer love someone i think it can't just come back even if he would change and this and that,,,it's not going to be the same... i don't think this will affect my son that much since he is not used to him being around, eventhough he is in the same house,,,my mom keeps telling me to think it through that my son will suffer but i really don't see it like that! and when i make my final decision i know everyone will blame me for not wanting a second try, but i just can't do it anymore =/...anyways i don't care what anyone says, i'm doing what is best for me...


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## soconfused1984

UPDATE!!!---ok so last night he was around me ALL the time!!! auughh!!! he was initiating conversations, asking me about work, about my day, all nice and bubbly, and i hated it!!!! auugghhh!! it annoyed the hell out of me >:/ i thought he was going to give me my space and leave me alone for a while but he's not!!! he asked me for dinner friday night! i told him i really didn't want to go! and i reall don't want to go out with him at all..it's like the more he tries, the more i get mad at him for trying to make things better now, when before he would never take me to dinner by ourselves! >:/ he has never been this nice and talkative, etc. why now? why? i really want him out and stay away forever! ...he's really pushing it now and i feel pressure!..auughhh anyways!


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## soconfused1984

omg!!! as i was typing the last post, he send me a good morning message!!!! never in this 6 yrs has he ever texted me or even said good morning!! wow!!! i'm pissed right now >;/


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## Downandsad

Isnt that funny that once you reach your limit they try and finally give you what you wanted all along and in your heart you are finished? My H is doing the same thing, he text me today and said he is willing to do anything to make it work and if I need space then we can seperate and try and work on it. He said he is ready to make me his wife and friend again. I dont know its so hard and confusing and yes it pisses you off that now all of a sudden they can give you what you always wanted......hmmm--I understand where you are coming from!!


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## soconfused1984

wow!! yeah we're in the same situation!! auughhh i'm so frustated with him, the more he tries, the more i get annoyed! i just want all to end right now =/


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## Downandsad

Well I am taking what he says with a grain of salt--he is only saying it so I dont leave. I mean in 8 years he hasnt changed so whats to say he really is now--I cant trust that he will change for good--so he is going to have to prove it to me--that is if I choose to let him try...we are seperating and if I find that I feel I cant live without him and I really want to be with him --then I will let him start dating me again--but he will have to prove to me what he says is true by his actions!


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## soconfused1984

yeap that's right! well my H has been texting me for the past hour and he's telling me that today we're definitely going to talk that he needs to know now my decision so that he can move on, that if i really do love him, i wouldn't be doing this to him etc....then he asks why not give him a last chance...i told him i'm fed up of giving last chances that i am exhausted now and i don't want to anymore, the love is gone!!!! he cannot understand that...i see pictures or us and our son since we got married, and they always bring bad memories! every pictures has a bad memory of our marriage,,,,and i just realized that...yes there are good memories of my son growing up and stuff but what i mean is that i remember what i was going through that time and it makes me sad...anwyays...


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