# My Spouse just took an entry level job and has left me holding the bag



## Notsure63 (Sep 11, 2013)

My husband and I are both in our late forties and have been married for over 10 years. We have children together and a boatload of bills. Back when we first got together, we were both doing well financially and made a decision to get married and buy a house, etc...in the 10 years since then he has changed jobs 9 times. At first it was by choice, always looking for the 'perfect job with the perfect paycheck' and then in 2009 he was fired for not complying with a company policy. We were devastated because we had just dumped a bunch of money into our property. Long story short, he has had a hard time recouping his previous salary until this past year. We were getting back on track financially and then about a month ago he decided that he could no longer handle the "Blue collar" work that he was performing and he applied for and received an entry level position that is paying $10-$15k less than his last job. He is currently away for a 3 month training process and has left me home with all of the responsibilities including being the main breadwinner in the household. I am getting to the point where I am so resentful that I wish I could pack it in & leave. I a trying to be open minded & Empathetic, but am not sure where the line in the sand should be drawn. I have been steadily working for the same company for over 20+ years and because of our finances, have never had the luxury of even considering a job for less pay. For the past 5 years my salary has doubled his. My real problem is that because of our current credit score I feel trapped. Help!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

He should have discussed this more with you, but I have a couple questions. What industry did he enter? From your description it sounds like stock broker or insurance but obviously I can't tell for sure. Is there significant upward potential? A lot of times you have to make a strategic move with short term pain and long term gains. I have several insurance agent clients, for example, who make around $400k per year, but started out long ago in training programs. Is there the potential to get his own business after the training program?

One of the things I try to do is assume that everyone is doing the best they can at any given moment. He probably thinks he's doing the best he can for his family. But like I said, he should have discussed it with you.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I know of a couple in which the husband changes job, can't keep a job, every year at least! Meanwhile she has worked at the same well paying job for more than 15 years. She claims that she really loves him, that he is an excellent father (though I refute this) and she finds him impossibly attractive, (to each his own obviously because to me the guy looks like a slimy weasel while she is very attractive in the classily soft and feminine way!)

Does you husband tend to make all mistakes someone else's fault? Does he say things or do things that indicate he thinks higher of himself then maybe he has a right to? If you answer yes to both the above, sell the house, get out of debt and leave because things will NEVER EVER change.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Notsure63 said:


> In the 10 years since then he has changed jobs 9 times


The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

He will continue to change jobs until he chooses to behave differently.

So assume he's NEVER going to change and adjust your response accordingly.


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## Notsure63 (Sep 11, 2013)

The entry level job is for an insurance adjuster....not much hope there for growth potential unless he works towards a management position. My resentment stems from the fact that I was privy to a lead on a sales rep position from a mutual friend who insisted that my husband send his resume to the VP of the company, stating that he could positively get him an interview and my husband never even made the phone call. The person who was hired was elated and called the mutual friend t let him know that the starting Salary was close to 100k. I talked to my husband last week about it and conveyed my disappointment and thus he stopped communicating with me since this past Friday.


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## Notsure63 (Sep 11, 2013)

You could be right Mavash and I could be dragging my feet because my daughter adores her Daddy and I always believed that he would pull out of this slump. He prides himself on his integrity and his commitment to family. He even goes as far as to give me lectures on the decency of old fashioned relationships, where a woman took honor in the woman's role in the household. My question is; Where is honor in the Man's role as the "Hunter/Provider"? I am very much an independent woman and have not relied on a man to support me since my Dad. I just think that it is very hypocritical for him to lay that speech on me when I ask for help around the house or suggest that he work with me as a partner when it comes to the kids.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Ya, adjuster is a dead end job.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Notsure63 said:


> The entry level job is for an insurance adjuster....not much hope there for growth potential unless he works towards a management position. My resentment stems from the fact that I was privy to a lead on a sales rep position from a mutual friend who insisted that my husband send his resume to the VP of the company, stating that he could positively get him an interview and my husband never even made the phone call. The person who was hired was elated and called the mutual friend t let him know that the starting Salary was close to 100k. I talked to my husband last week about it and conveyed my disappointment and thus he stopped communicating with me since this past Friday.


He didn't take your lead, he went his own way. He sounds like a very proud man. Won't do this or that, won't be told this or that, it's going to be on his terms or not at all. So you get the silent treatment for not running behind him with pom poms.

Proud stubborn men are hard to deal with, and will not budge when pushed. 9 jobs in 10 years is a LOT. You've been there though, through thick and thin. He doesn't expect any different now.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Ya, adjuster is a dead end job.


Yep my husband was one for a while years and years ago.


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## Notsure63 (Sep 11, 2013)

Great news.....it is not that I expect him to earn the big bucks, (I am not very materialistic and have learned to be quite frugal), it is just that I would like him to be a partner financially as well as emotionally. He makes a lot of promises to my children that he can no longer deliver on and then makes matters worse by taking a significant pay cut. I am the one having to tell my 9 year old that her dance lessons are being cut this year because it is no longer in the family budget. So I get to be the ogre bearing the bad news while he is away getting trained in a field that will not pay the bills. Another issue is that he has yet to get reimbursed for his expenses while he is away and has been spending twice as much than he used to on a weekly basis. He refuses to speak to me, so there is no discussion on the budget subject while he is gone. Bank account is near depleted until I get paid this week. The funny thing is that while he chose to lower his earning capacity, he will not give up the luxuries he has become accustomed to; Driving a high end car, expensive hair cuts at a salon 30 miles from home, brand new smart phone.....etc. I on the other hand have made huge cuts...10 year old car, DIY hair color and still sporting a basic phone with no data plan. Argggggggh!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Notsure63 said:


> Great news.....it is not that I expect him to earn the big bucks, (I am not very materialistic and have learned to be quite frugal), it is just that I would like him to be a partner financially as well as emotionally. He makes a lot of promises to my children that he can no longer deliver on and then makes matters worse by taking a significant pay cut. I am the one having to tell my 9 year old that her dance lessons are being cut this year because it is no longer in the family budget. So I get to be the ogre bearing the bad news while he is away getting trained in a field that will not pay the bills. Another issue is that he has yet to get reimbursed for his expenses while he is away and has been spending twice as much than he used to on a weekly basis. He refuses to speak to me, so there is no discussion on the budget subject while he is gone. Bank account is near depleted until I get paid this week. The funny thing is that while he chose to lower his earning capacity, he will not give up the luxuries he has become accustomed to; *Driving a high end car, expensive hair cuts at a salon 30 miles from home, brand new smart phone.....etc. * I on the other hand have made huge cuts...10 year old car, DIY hair color and still sporting a basic phone with no data plan. Argggggggh!


If you're footing the bill, why should he change anything? I'm trying to understand who you're mad at here. 

Throughout your marriage, he's shown you he's NOT a financial partner to you, at least not an equal partner.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Amazing isn't it?


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## Notsure63 (Sep 11, 2013)

Oh yeah....Did I forget to mention the Testosterone Therapy that he receives on a quarterly basis that has to be done by a specialist located an hour and a half away from our home town? Claims it for combatting fatigue, but I believe it is for simple vanity. The after insurance co-pay is ridiculous. 

Geez this feels good to unload!!!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

And for the record, a 9 year old can understand 'we can't afford it'. She may be disappointed, but sometimes the answer to a child has to be NO and if you don't start teaching them that, they'll become some spoiled self entitled hellions later in life. 

I have raised two kids who know what 'we can't afford it' means. They do understand and especially now as young adults, you can't always get what you want.


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## Notsure63 (Sep 11, 2013)

He was my financial peer up until 2009 when he was fired from his last highly compensated job. He has a hard time letting go of what used to be. Feels like he has already had to sacrifice enough. Point is, my eyes are wide open now....just not sure how to get out of this mess. Where to start? Wanted to make that I was not being shallow for not sticking by him through hard times.


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## Notsure63 (Sep 11, 2013)

I have always been blunt with my kids about money and saving for a rainy day......he has not. So I have to step in and be the bad guy. All the time.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

You're either with him now, or you're against him. Proud and stubborn men don't have an in between. They require 100% support in everything they do, or you're an enemy. Sounds crazy but my father is like this, I've seen it first hand.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Notsure63 said:


> I have always been blunt with my kids about money and saving for a rainy day......he has not. So I have to step in and be the bad guy. All the time.


You have to stop looking at it that way. You aren't the bad guy. There are no bad guys when it comes to the truth. They have to hear it. Maybe you resent delivering it but again, it's the dynamic that's been set up in your family.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Perhaps start by working at getting him to understand your household finances at least as well as your daughter does...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

In this economy I would be grateful the man was working. He's been blessed to have so many opportunities to take over the years. It wasn't what you would choose for him OP, but he is working.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> I draw the line at he gets to keep his luxuries while the kids and her give up everything.
> 
> Either we're all in this together or I'm out.
> 
> I can scrimp with the best of them but I ain't doing it to pay for his expensive lifestyle.


Well no, that's off the table and fair IMO. If she's footing those bills, guess what? The buck stops there.


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## Notsure63 (Sep 11, 2013)

You hit it right on the nose. He talks a lot about making sure that I support his decisions and gets angry when I joke with him about a poor decision that he has made. (My way of handling stress or bad situations is to see the humor in it and move on.) His way is to bury it and not talk about it. Which is probably why we are experiencing communication problems.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Notsure63 said:


> You hit it right on the nose. He talks a lot about making sure that I support his decisions and gets angry when I joke with him about a poor decision that he has made. (My way of handling stress or bad situations is to see the humor in it and move on.) His way is to bury it and not talk about it. Which is probably why we are experiencing communication problems.


100% in or you're out. And teasing is NOT allowed. Nor is pointing out their mistakes. If you do, you'll wish you never said anything.

My dad is the King of silent treatments. He can ignore you for years, and all because you disagree with him or didn't follow his program.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> 100% in or you're out. And teasing is NOT allowed. Nor is pointing out their mistakes. If you do, you'll wish you never said anything.
> 
> My dad is the King of silent treatments. He can ignore you for years, and all because you disagree with him or didn't follow his program.


Yep my dad was the same way. To the T.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Not to get too off topic but these types require light treading if you want a relationship with them. I keep my conversations with my dad light for the most part, and occasionally I will ask his opinion on something I know he would expound on in great detail. He's not a horrible person, just proud and stubborn, and very stuck in his ways. He isn't capable of seeing another point of view other than his own, until he CHOOSES to. You can't convince him even though it's right. He's insensitive for the most part too, and I attribute that to having to really work hard and go through a lot to get where he is. He went through a cancer bout 4 years ago, and almost died, but when you ask how he is, you wouldn't get the honest answer, because that would show weakness. He'd rather not even talk about 'the cancer' like it never happened.

I'm telling you all of this OP because if you want to be happy in your marriage, you will have to have EXTREME patience with your husband. You will have to be supportive of his choices 100%, and keep your reservations to yourself. If you want him to not deliver the silent treatment, you will have to allow him to lead the way he wants to lead and without complaint. Can you do that? Not many can. My mom and dad are divorced. He has remarried and his wife worships the ground he walks on... guess what? That's what he wants! He asked my mom once why she always had to challenge him. There's something to that.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> Not to get too off topic but these types require light treading if you want a relationship with them. I keep my conversations with my dad light for the most part, and occasionally I will ask his opinion on something I know he would expound on in great detail. He's not a horrible person, just proud and stubborn, and very stuck in his ways. He isn't capable of seeing another point of view other than his own, until he CHOOSES to. You can't convince him even though it's right. He's insensitive for the most part too, and I attribute that to having to really work hard and go through a lot to get where he is. He went through a cancer bout 4 years ago, and almost died, but when you ask how he is, you wouldn't get the honest answer, because that would show weakness. He'd rather not even talk about 'the cancer' like it never happened.
> 
> I'm telling you all of this OP because if you want to be happy in your marriage, you will have to have EXTREME patience with your husband. You will have to be supportive of his choices 100%, and keep your reservations to yourself. If you want him to not deliver the silent treatment, you will have to allow him to lead the way he wants to lead and without complaint. Can you do that? Not many can. My mom and dad are divorced. He has remarried and his wife worships the ground he walks on... guess what? That's what he wants! He asked my mom once why she always had to challenge him. There's something to that.


I get that there is a lid for every pot but what you are suggesting is that she grow comfortable with walking on egg shells, putting her needs on the back burner CONTINUALLY, and only get reciprocal emotional support when she doesn't challenge him. 

That is NUTS to even advocate she think about doing that!


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

> talked to my husband last week about it and conveyed my disappointment and thus he stopped communicating with me


I cannot speak for your husband, however, I know the pain of hearing how my wife is disappointed in me very well. 

There is nothing I want more in life than to be my wife's "hero". 

And, to hear my wife talk, I have every fault known to man.

I look forward to getting out of our house and going to work because at work, I feel competent, capable, and respected.

At home, I feel disparaged, condescended-to, and "bossed".


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## argyle (May 27, 2011)

...nine jobs in 10 years? Perhaps he's simply not particularly good at whatever he's been doing. Honestly, if I see a resume along those lines, I don't bother calling the person. I don't really care why they switched jobs, I just don't want to bother training someone for 6 months before they leave...possibly with our customer lists.

...so, it is possible that there's a reason he's trying to switch fields. I wonder if it would be wise to try to understand that reason. And, well, this is a sensitive topic for a guy. And yes, it is important to communicate these things with your wife. But, on the other hand, an old acquaintance (former CEO, excellent salesman) warned me that he'd learned the hard way to never communicate weakness from his ex-wife. Some women can't handle those admissions. And, sales rep is a hard job - most of the ones I know are pretty beat up by their late 40s, early 50s...(I'd guess 10 years extra aging.) In particular, a sales representative who is thin-skinned about hostility, failure, and criticism should find another career before that career buries him. The problem is that sales doesn't prepare you for alternate, equivalent paying career paths.

...on the other hand, a rational discussion about future plans and budgets is pretty much necessary. It might be wise to steer clear from:
'You incompetent dolt. You're bankrupting this family. Man up and get a real job. I've lost all respect for you.'
and opt closer to:
...I'm a bit worried about the budget and we need to talk. We need to make some adjustments early, instead of later.

and...possibly...can you please explain why you're switching careers? I'm confused and worried because the job pays poorly...et cetera.

...joking about other people's failures isn't kind...closer to abusive. I do it, but it isn't kind. Family habit...spending a couple of years to drive the point in, over and over again. 

...discussing important problems is more productive - consider trying a book on nonviolent communication.

--Argyle


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> I get that there is a lid for every pot but what you are suggesting is that she grow comfortable with walking on egg shells, putting her needs on the back burner CONTINUALLY, and only get reciprocal emotional support when she doesn't challenge him.
> 
> That is NUTS to even advocate she think about doing that!


I'm not advocating anything. She has choices to make here and it's up to her to proceed the way she sees fit. If she wants to argue with the man 24/7 then she can do that. If she wants to live with his silent treatment 24/7 she can do that too. She can ignore him, she can let him walk out the door. We all have choices to make. 

If she wants peace, she'll have to do what I suggested because he won't give it to her any other way short of leaving. She can't change him, only herself.


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