# husband makes me feel bad about spending money



## alisa

Hi all

I am already in a bumpy marriage and my husband's attitude towards money is not helping at all. I am working full time and working in the evening and earning a decent income at the moment. I have always been careful with money, infact my husband is the one who is not careful. Since I started living with him, I noticed that he was always picky about where to spend money, buying presents for family had always been a headache, he didnt contribute towards the shopping costs when we lived with his parents and the few times we had to do some shopping because his parents were away, he would constantly moan about everything that I buy for the house (and I am talking about weekly grocery shopping....made me feel like I am the only one who eats in the house!)

Then my thread in "considering separation": http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/64142-thinking-separation.html also has some information on how he reacted to my intentions of taking driving lessons. 

Today I had to go to gym and it is in the city centre. I am off from school these days so my plan was to regularly go to gym during the break.When I told him that I am going to gym, he moaned about the parking ticket (which is £3 for two hours!) but if i take train or bus, it will cost more than this! I ended up not going to gym at all and I dont know if I will go again, given that it will cost me about £4-5 each time. He knew it when he got the membership for me! I hate feeling bad about spending such a tiny amount on something which is good for me when his cigarettes cost more than that each day! 

I cant make any financial decisions independently, havent seen my family in three years because he says that it requires a lot of money when on the other side, he planned a week's trip with his friends last year in France, spending a considerable amount of money. We are doing really well financially and money is not a problem to bicker about all the time but now I feel like I cant take it anymore. Dont I have a right to spend where I want, given that I am earning more than him and I am sensible in my spending habits!

I would really appreciate your perspective on this and how I should respond to this! Many thanks

Alisa


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## Bobby5000

If you have the money, I'd probably cash one of these checks and arrange to buy a ticket to see your parents.


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## JayFleischman

Sounds to me as if your husband's got control issues, which are manifested in your financial matters. Perhaps he also feels insecure because you seem to make more than he does.

Perhaps it's a good idea to sit down with a financial advisor to discuss your overall situation. It will make your husband feel more comfortable and perhaps makes the marriage an easier one.


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## alisa

Right now I am earning more than him but it was not the case for most of the time. I didnt work for 3 years and then I worked part-time for a year. I have been earning more than him for only a year now so I dont understand why he is insecure! 

Its the way he makes me feel when I am doing something regarding money that makes me sick now. Even this valentines day, when I asked him what he will get for me, his response was "why are you always finding excuses to waste money?" What would you say to a response like that? I feel that money is more important for him than me and my feelings!


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## althea0212

alisa said:


> Right now I am earning more than him but it was not the case for most of the time. I didnt work for 3 years and then I worked part-time for a year. I have been earning more than him for only a year now so I dont understand why he is insecure!
> 
> Its the way he makes me feel when I am doing something regarding money that makes me sick now. Even this valentines day, when I asked him what he will get for me, his response was "why are you always finding excuses to waste money?" What would you say to a response like that? I feel that money is more important for him than me and my feelings!



Insecurity may affect anyone's ego. Talk to your husband and assure him that even if you have a better income, it doesn't mean that you will dominate him or you are better than him. Perhaps you can cite some of his good qualities like the children are closer to him or he is a better cook. Maybe you can ask him to help you manage your finances if he thinks you are a more of a spender.


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## Jane_Doe

I read both your threads. In your case, it sounds like the money is just a very simple way to control you. Cutting off your money, threatening to (and following through) lock you out of your own house, punishing you for this and that. It's all control. And it's getting progressively worse over time, right? Well, expect that pattern to continue.

I personally would have separate accounts, one for his wages, one for yours, and a third into which you both put 50% of the bills/household stuff (you can contribute more than 50% if you earn a lot more, or keep it even, it's up to you). Where you put your wages is not a thing he can have an opinion on, legally or culturally. So keep them in an account under your name only.

Then, if he locks you out for any amount of time, hop in a taxi (using your own money) to the nearest hotel with jacuzzi tub, wifi, and gym setup. It might seem childish, but if he realises that 'punishing' you costs more money than giving you freedom (and a bloody front door key), then he might change the rules a little.

Every time you allow him to have any control of you, you can fight back, even if it's leaving for a while to use the library computer, or taking your laptop to a coffeeshop to work. Because what you have going on right now is not healthy.

P.S My husband taught me how to drive, so it was free. Not wanting to spend money on lessons might be a legitimate concern, but specifically not wanting you to drive at all is a whole other red flag.


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## alisa

thats the problem! the only thing he is good at is his intellectual ability and the ability to turn anything into his favour (believe me, he has never failed to prove me wrong!).... he doesnt help at home, cant cook and refuse to learn, cant even put his clothes in the washing machine, he can make tea and coffee and sometimes (about 20 times in 7 years) wash dishes. Maybe if you see the other thread, you will know more details! 

As for spending money, he even moans about grocery shopping a waste of money, how can i argue with that? 
Its just his way of telling me that he knows best when he clearly doesnt and he has done it on many occasions (getting home cinema system, spending thousands of pounds on his stained glass hobby). Then parking tickets, bus lane tickets...do these count? yes...because he has lived here his entire life and he knows how the system works, why wasnt he careful with these?



althea0212 said:


> Insecurity may affect anyone's ego. Talk to your husband and assure him that even if you have a better income, it doesn't mean that you will dominate him or you are better than him. Perhaps you can cite some of his good qualities like the children are closer to him or he is a better cook. Maybe you can ask him to help you manage your finances if he thinks you are a more of a spender.


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## alisa

thanks a lot for your reply. I have a separate account where i get my wages and he has a separate one. Then we have a joint account as well but distributing expenses has never been our thing. Most bills are paid from his account and I put money in his account (whatever amount he tells me to transfer!). I am not taking the risk of being locked out again and I will do as I please once I have the means to take a serious action! I dont want to allow him to walk all over me because right now, he wants to control what I do and it has always been the case. I didnt react before because first, i was very young when I married him so I was easily convinced, secondly, I wasnt financially independent and moved from another country so didnt know a lot about places and didnt have many friends as well. Now things have changed and he has noticed that I am beginning to get more independent and thats why he has shown himself in a more open way!

I haven been convincing him for driving lessons for the past 6 years and every time, he said we cant afford them. I hated it because he spent more money on his cigarettes each week (I have always been against it and I lost my dad because of this so I have always wanted him to quit!)but he didnt have the heart to spent it on something which was important and essential. What pushed me to go as far as starting them myself was when he asked me for cash to go and get cigarettes and I said no and he literally took my wallet and took the money. I just had it then and i told him clearly that if he has a cheek to take the money from me to smoke, then I am doing what I have been longing to do for years. I guess he thought that I was just bluffing but when I told him that I have booked the lessons, he went completely mad. I just stood my ground but ultimately he did show me who had the control I guess!





Jane_Doe said:


> I read both your threads. In your case, it sounds like the money is just a very simple way to control you. Cutting off your money, threatening to (and following through) lock you out of your own house, punishing you for this and that. It's all control. And it's getting progressively worse over time, right? Well, expect that pattern to continue.
> 
> I personally would have separate accounts, one for his wages, one for yours, and a third into which you both put 50% of the bills/household stuff (you can contribute more than 50% if you earn a lot more, or keep it even, it's up to you). Where you put your wages is not a thing he can have an opinion on, legally or culturally. So keep them in an account under your name only.
> 
> Then, if he locks you out for any amount of time, hop in a taxi (using your own money) to the nearest hotel with jacuzzi tub, wifi, and gym setup. It might seem childish, but if he realises that 'punishing' you costs more money than giving you freedom (and a bloody front door key), then he might change the rules a little.
> 
> Every time you allow him to have any control of you, you can fight back, even if it's leaving for a while to use the library computer, or taking your laptop to a coffeeshop to work. Because what you have going on right now is not healthy.
> 
> P.S My husband taught me how to drive, so it was free. Not wanting to spend money on lessons might be a legitimate concern, but specifically not wanting you to drive at all is a whole other red flag.


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## LB2014

Tell him To pack sand


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## JustHer

First off, I would ask him to show you the bills, budget. I would refuse to give him any more money until I actually saw how much he needed.

Second, quit going grocery shopping. When he asked why there is no food in the house, tell him because he is always telling you it costs too much. You can eat before you get home.

Keep putting as much money into your own account as you can. Pay for your own driving lessons, etc. Don't buy him any gifts. If he questions you on how you spend your money just say "it is my money, I worked for it, I give you enough for half the bills and I will spend the rest as I see fit".

Go to the gym, pay the tickets yourself and don't listen to him. He is a bully and you need to stand up for yourself.

Either one of two things will happen. He will try to become even more controlling and you will have to decide if this is the way you want to live, or, he will back off. I am betting on the first.


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## Lift326

Where do you ladies find these hmmmm not sure how to put it...... Punk made men?

Keeping a woman away for her family is a punk move. Isolating a woman to control her is fear.

Want to find out what is being paid and how much it costs? Don't pitch in on the bills. He is going to try to start yelling and selling wolf tickets but he is either going to have to sh*t or get off the pot. . Tell him he would not pay anything blindly so why should you.

When the emotions come and go at the end, you are either going to have more cash in your pockets in the next month or you will know how much the bills are.

Be prepared though because you may be getting pimped. Take it in stride charge that part to the game and make plans to make sure that you have a part in How your check is spent.

Also be prepared that he is going to come up with something else afterward because he is losing control. Don't go for the quick checkers win..... You have to play chess.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

Before, you were waiting to finish your schooling and get your credentials. And now you have.

Now, what are you waiting for? You've been in a controlling/abusive marriage for how long? And are you truly expecting him to change? If so, what would prompt that change...wishful thinking? He's perfectly satisfied being a bully. Why would he change? The only one who wants change is YOU.

You have your degree, you have a good job, he's still an ass, and you're still wringing your hands wondering 'how can I make this situation or HIM better'? Answer: You can't.

When you get tired enough, you'll leave. Hopefully, that will be BEFORE you have children with this man which will then tie you to him forever.


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## appletree

It is not about the money it is about controlling. That was said before. Either you go to serious counseling now or out. Maybe you have your points as well, most people do.
The controller and the?????


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## Blonde

appletree said:


> The controller and the?????


doormat


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## DoF

It seems like your husband has ALL the financial control and you have NONE.

That has to change. You both need to be in control (checking each other) and going over it on regular basis.

There should also be boundaries/rules. For example, you can't spend $XXX without consulting the other.

Scale seems to be at 100/0, you need to get it to 50/50......


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