# Alcohol Issues or am I being Unreasonable?



## lola_b

While we're not married, I've been with my BF for almost a year and have recently moved in together (since about the end of October).

Before moving in, I'd go to his house in the afternoon (usually Sundays) and sometimes I'd show up and he would be drunk. I call it drunk but he doesn't call it drunk. I don't drink very much, I've never been drunk for that matter, and he knows this. He's not fall down drunk, mean, etc. He's just not himself, maybe a little sloppy while doing things (i.e. making dinner). I told him I started to dread going to his place on the weekends because he'd be that way, from then on, he was pretty good about it. We even tried to make a deal where he only has 2 drinks a night (reasonable??), but it didn't last long.

Fast forward to him moving in. Now he tends to have too many while I'm out at the gym or playing some sports, I'm usually gone for about an hour or so and when I come home...he's that sloppy "drunk" again. He did it Tuesday and we got into an argument...he basically said that he drinks more when I'm not home because he feels like he can have more than 2 or 3 (well duh...cuz I'm not home) and that I babysit him too much. Thursday night comes around, again...I come home and he's had too much to drink and then again just tonight. I'm tired of repeating myself and he basically said that he doesn't see it as an issue since he's got no real responsibilities right now (i.e. kids) and that I should just relax about it...when he knows I don't like it.

So basically he's acting like a 13 year old girl and rebelling (at least that's how it feels) and I'm tired of repeating myself.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't wanna get married and have kids if this is what my future looks like, and I do love him very much, I've told him I like him more when he's sober.

He doesn't think he has a problem...am I just being unreasonable?? Should I just "deal with it"? 

Just venting and looking for some opinions.

Thanks!


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## Mavash.

He's right. He doesn't have a problem. His life is working just fine.

You however have a HUGE problem. You're a nondrinker trying to have a relationship with a drinker. Those two rarely mix. Oh I'm sure some make it work but in my experience it causes problems more so for the nondrinker than the drinker.

After a string of drinking boyfriends (I don't drink) I figured some things out. I figured out that I personally cannot live with a drinker. A drinker defined by me is someone who regularly gets drunk or one who drinks more than 2 drinks in one sitting. I'm not against the occasional party but if this is regular behavior you're not the one for me.

I broke up with my then drinking boyfriend and went on to marry a nondrinker. I'm much happier now. My husband has a beer or two but that's it and I don't think I've ever seen him drunk in the 22 years we've been married.


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## movealong

Mavash. said:


> He's right. He doesn't have a problem. His life is working just fine.
> 
> You however have a HUGE problem. You're a nondrinker trying to have a relationship with a drinker. Those two rarely mix. Oh I'm sure some make it work but in my experience it causes problems more so for the nondrinker than the drinker.


:iagree:

Yes, YOU have a problem because it makes YOU uncomfortable. Please, heed the warning that your gut is giving you now. 

There is not enough information to know if the boyfriend is an alcoholic, but there is enough information to say it seems that he could be on that path. If you want to be with this man, then you should be willing to ask him to be honest with himself about his alcohol use.


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## lovemyguy

I disagree. He does have a problem. Only he doesn't believe or feel that he does. My bf is the same way. Or he was. He's in treatment of a sort now. And I think he realizes he has a problem. They are right though. A non drinker having a relationship with a drinker really doesn't work so well.

You definitely shouldn't "just deal with it".


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## soulseer

double post deleted.


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## soulseer

My entire childhood was defined by the tensions between my alcoholic father and essentially non drinking mother. 

It wasn't a very happy relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Another Planet

Split up. You have a major issue with his major issue, it's never going to work. You can't fix him and he would resent you for being controlling anyway.
I personally don't give a crap about drinking, we work hard and play hard around here. 
No offense but I couldn't be with someone as uptight as you so I would probably dump you pretty quick.


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## Mavash.

Nondrinkers aren't necessarily uptight. It's just a personal choice. 

We're all different and yes I agree you should be with someone you are compatible with. Drinkers and non drinkers aren't compatible. No doubt about it. Better to let him go so he can find someone more supportive of his lifestyle.


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## lola_b

I'm not saying I'm a non drinker...I can have a drink or two every so often and I honestly don't mind him having a drink or two every night...the part that bothers me is the 5-6 beers a night or the pound back 4 in an hour before "lola" gets home.

General consensus says to move on...looks like I got some thinking to do


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## Mavash.

I too am okay with 1-2 drinks per night as well. 5-6 is too much for ME.


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## Another Planet

The majority of my friends and family make 6 figures plus and have taps run in their kitchens or have bars/wine cellars in the basement. They have wonderful marriages and relationships, the majority of us have kids. We have drinks and laughs and good times together. For the most part a lot of really great charismatic easily loved people. There might be a couple bad apples or a few divorces here and there but I wouldn't have it any other way.


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## Mavash.

Another Planet said:


> For the most part a lot of really great charismatic easily loved people.


You are fortunate. My memories are of my dad downing a 6 pack and yelling at me till the wee hours of the morning. I was 10. 

My husband's memories are of his mother starting drinking at 4 when he came home from school and not stopping until she passed out.

Yeah I'll pass. My limit (and my husband's) is still 1-2 drinks per day.


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## UnhappyMarriage

I was just signing up here and the first post I see is yours so here's my reply to you AND your boyfriend:
Since I am a recovering alcoholic myself ( actually celebrated my 18th anniversary yesterday ;-) I feel very much qualified to give you my opinion.
You are absolutely not unreasonable, rather you have noticed something that most likely will destroy your marriage or relationship if you just carry on.
Your bf shows signs that he is out of control with his drinking, otherwise you wouldn't get drunk on weekdays to start with. Also the need "to control your drinking", means that you cannot control it! Most likely he will develop his drinking into alcoholism. And the nature of alcoholism is that it's a progressive disease, it get worse - never better! You should read up on alcoholism yourself, in order to talk to your bf about your future together. But HE - and only HE, has to be the one who wants to change. If he refuse to do that, it might be a good idea to take a time-out from him, and see what happens. Someone with a drinking problem will always have "excuses" for his behavior but these are not true. Rather they are to cover up for his often bad conscious for his previous lack of keeping his word. You mention that he showed those signs already, and I promise you there will be more of them unless he stops drinking.
You let him know that he most likely has a disease, and it's not his fault that he cannot control his drinking. Alcoholism is a progressive "mental and physical disease", but unfortunately, it is also the disease that is still more misunderstood than most other diseases. It is also combined with a lot of denial, so you will find that heavy drinkers can lose family, job and friends and still continue to drink. Alcoholism cannot be cured, but it can be arrested on a daily basis.
For your own sake, since you already have asked for help here, do something about it. Help him if he wants to. If he refuse to get help and give you the excuses again, let him know that you cannot build your future with him since his drinking will just take up more and more of his time, money and efforts.
Alcohol is fine for those who can handle it, but it's certain people that has a physical body that cannot deal with the substance the way others do. Most of them develop alcoholism. And it can only be arrested by not putting the stuff into your body.
Some in the medical profession will say that certain medication can make you "a normal drinker again", but I don't believe that. Your best bet is to get him to seek help, and there are groups of people with similar problems that are just more than willing to help him. And I hope that you succeed, because a sober alcoholic is a MUCH nicer guy - just like you already said. You are welcome to contact me here or at the website in my signature if you or your bf want to.
Good luck to both of you!


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## Wiltshireman

lola b,

As far as I can see you have three options.

Put up with your BF mild* drinking.
Leave him.
Engage with him on the subject.

The first two options are black and white but the 3rd requires that you recognize that grey exists. You may not like it when your boyfriend gets a bit "sloppy" through drink but for him it is not a problem and as he only appears to do it when left to his own devises you could reduce the number of times it happens by adjusting your own behavior, how about doing more things / spending more off work time together, take him to the gym with you rather than go on your own might be a good place to start.

As others have said if the two of you cannot find a level of drinking that you are both OK with then it can become a massive problem with each blaming the other for not accepting their opinion / respecting their wishes. 

*If by more than a couple of drink you mean that he has say 4 beers or half a bottle of wine I would call it mild drinking, if however he is downing a couple of six packs or a liter of scotch then he does have a problem


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## soulseer

Wiltshireman said:


> *If he has say 4 beers or half a bottle of wine I would call it mild drinking


Interesting how we all see it differently. I see 1 beer( +-4% of alcohol) as 'mild'. 

I see four beers as something else entirely. I see four beers as 'moderate'.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Unique Username

Things won't change LolB - you are now living the example of how things will keep progressing.

If you are unhappy now - and your gut is telling you to kick his butt back out to the curb......THEN DO IT!

Seriously, why CHOOSE to deal with issues you'd rather not? 


And who cares what anyone else's definition of "problem drinking" is....point is YOU feel it is an issue.


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## Another Planet

Unique Username said:


> Things won't change LolB - you are now living the example of how things will keep progressing.
> 
> If you are unhappy now - and your gut is telling you to kick his butt back out to the curb......THEN DO IT!
> 
> Seriously, why CHOOSE to deal with issues you'd rather not?
> 
> 
> And who cares what anyone else's definition of "problem drinking" is....point is YOU feel it is an issue.


Yep same as if you expected him to make at least 100K per year and he doesn't or he hates your entire family or he is physically abusive or he has brown hair and you like blonde. If it is really important to and you really don't like it don't stay.


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## bevixnz

I wonder if it is a decision that HE needs to make. 

I tend to have periods of alcohol dependency, the consumption creeps up and I feel like I need it every day. My wife does not drink and is very tolerant. Usually I will decide one day that I have had enough and not drink for a year, then the next year maybe have 1 drink a week. 

Point is, my wife would rather I didn't drink at all, but it has to be a decision that I make for myself and my families benefit. He needs to want to cut back or stop, just like he did for a little bit when you complained.


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## lola_b

He says he has cut back A LOT, but he's referring to before we met (i.e. when he was single). He does try and cut back even more and I do notice when he does put in that effort, but I know that if there's alcohol...he will drink it and I still feel like I have to babysit him not only because I don't like it...but it's not healthy. He knows this and has admitted that he doesn't know why he does it sometimes.

I've mentioned to him to maybe try AA but he says when you do AA you have to give it up completely and he doesn't want to. I don't want him to have to give it up completely either, again...I don't mind him having a drink or two a night, its the binge drinking that's the problem.

I've told him that I question our future when he drinks too much and that did scare him quite a bit, but I honestly think he needs some form of counselling. Not only to help our relationship, but to try and keep him healthy.

Thanks for all the input and advice so far, I really appreciate it. This isn't something I've ever had to deal with before.


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## Another Planet

Well he's in denial and making excuses.
Is he religious? Maybe AA is a good place for him.
Why in the hell would you have to babysit a grown man?!! THAT is not healthy for either of you, he will get another crutch and you get another liability. Not good.....


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## UnhappyMarriage

Sorry for late follow up reply, but you mention :"He knows this and has admitted that he doesn't know why he does it sometimes."
That's why your BF most likely "is in the grip of a progressive illness". The LAST thing on my wish list when I joined AA, was to stop drinking. But when I found out that "it would only get worse", and all the other misery that follows alcohol abuse, I was willing to try. And my life turned around and slowly got better. And those who say that "he has to do it for himself", are right. And for the one who ask "if your bf is religious?",like that should be a requirement for AA, that is typical for people who have an opinion about things they know very little about.
But for YOU it's important at this stage in your relationship, to solve the problem for YOU. And as I see it, you have 3 solutions:
a) Your BF accept he has a drinking problem and find a solution to it, and I mean a permanent one.
b) You leave the relationship and wander off to another path in your life.
c) You accept your BF's behavior and continue with your relationship. Then also accept that you will most likely be physically and verbally abused, your BF might loses his job so your financial situation gets worse, he might have accidents that you will have to attend to his recovery from, and you will not have a happy life for yourself. But you will then be a codependent, who will find it harder and harder to give up your BF, because now YOU will also live in the denial but for different reasons.
It's my sincere hope that you will find a solution for YOU, since you are not responsible for your BF's drinking or not. You could start by going to Al-Anon yourself, to get the answers directly from "the horse's mouth" ;-) Good luck to you AND your BF in arresting his main problem.


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## Trickster

Unique Username said:


> Things won't change LolB - you are now living the example of how things will keep progressing.
> 
> If you are unhappy now - and your gut is telling you to kick his butt back out to the curb......THEN DO IT!
> 
> Seriously, why CHOOSE to deal with issues you'd rather not?
> 
> 
> And who cares what anyone else's definition of "problem drinking" is....point is YOU feel it is an issue.



This is it exactly....

Alcohol is relative and it means something different to everybody.

The only thing that matters is how you feel about it. If you would rather him not drink and yet he continues to drink, then it's a problem.

I you already feel you have to baby sit him...it will never change. Imagine future kids come along and he is home alone with the baby...Maybe you have to work late ... Would you trust him to alone with the baby?


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## jay1365

I see this differently. I see it as a control issue, not an alcohol issue.


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