# Lots of red flags, no proof, divorce?



## *momof4* (Oct 25, 2009)

I am at a crossroads in my marriage of 8 yrs, I'm hoping to find other people in the same situation that can help me. MY HUSBAND IS A BIG FLIRT! Over the years there have been so many red flags and signs that he has cheated but I never came across any hard core evidence. It's been things like: going to get a hair cut at a salon that is owned by a woman he used to fool around with in his previous marriage, going to a barber shop that is owned by a woman that gave him her number on the backside of her card at a bar, rumors about him fooling around around with a co-worker that is known to fool around with married men(he told me this himself), giving his cell # to a single mom on my sons football team(his excuse-he was just trying to be nice by offering to tk her son to practice is she ever needed), going out to bars and not answering his cell, found an email from a female co-worker asking him out to lunch, porn surfing, cards from strip clubs in wallet. We have 4 children together, this is his second marriage, he cheated through his entire 1st marriage. He swears up and down that he has never cheated on me, and has made an honest effort to change his ways but he still slips up on occasion with questionable behavior. Like i said i have never actually "caught him" but all these things just seem like they could have gone farther had i not found out about them and stopped it. makes me wonder what else has gone on that I don't know about and wasn't able to stop dead in it's tracks. We all know the saying "once a cheat always a cheat" and I am prepared to divorce him I w/out for sure knowing if he has cheated. Am i over reacting or has he just gotten better at hiding the evidence over the years? Or, is he just a big flirt and likes attention from other women but hasn't actually done anything? I don't know, need advice or feedback...


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## Ilovemyfeelings (Oct 20, 2009)

*momof4* said:


> I am at a crossroads in my marriage of 8 yrs, I'm hoping to find other people in the same situation that can help me. MY HUSBAND IS A BIG FLIRT! Over the years there have been so many red flags and signs that he has cheated but I never came across any hard core evidence. It's been things like: going to get a hair cut at a salon that is owned by a woman he used to fool around with in his previous marriage, going to a barber shop that is owned by a woman that gave him her number on the backside of her card at a bar, rumors about him fooling around around with a co-worker that is known to fool around with married men(he told me this himself), giving his cell # to a single mom on my sons football team(his excuse-he was just trying to be nice by offering to tk her son to practice is she ever needed), going out to bars and not answering his cell, found an email from a female co-worker asking him out to lunch, porn surfing, cards from strip clubs in wallet. We have 4 children together, this is his second marriage, he cheated through his entire 1st marriage. He swears up and down that he has never cheated on me, and has made an honest effort to change his ways but he still slips up on occasion with questionable behavior. Like i said i have never actually "caught him" but all these things just seem like they could have gone farther had i not found out about them and stopped it. makes me wonder what else has gone on that I don't know about and wasn't able to stop dead in it's tracks. We all know the saying "once a cheat always a cheat" and I am prepared to divorce him I w/out for sure knowing if he has cheated. Am i over reacting or has he just gotten better at hiding the evidence over the years? Or, is he just a big flirt and likes attention from other women but hasn't actually done anything? I don't know, need advice or feedback...


Did he cheat on his first wife with you?


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

"but he still slips up on occasion with questionable behavior"

What does he consider questionable behavior?

Do you agree with his characterization?

What is the penalty for questionable behavior?

Have you considered gathering more concrete evidence?


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## *momof4* (Oct 25, 2009)

Unfortunatly yes. I didn't know he was married until 7 months into the relationship(we lived 2 hrs apart). Once he told me i cut it off but he found mingled his way back into my life and I still had feelings for him. I was young and naive at the time,19, and believed all his lies. Eventually after two years of trying to move on(I was even engaged to another man), he told me he had filed for divorce and had left hiw wife and wanted me to move to another state w/ him and start our lives together. So I did, and there began our journey. looking back, a lot of my decision making had to do with being young and inexperienced in relationships. Now that I am older and wiser I see the the flaws in my decisions and have no one to blame but myself for allowing it to get this far. My dilema isn't how I got here but where to go from here... thank you for reading my story, any advice is greatly welcomed.


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## *momof4* (Oct 25, 2009)

dobo said:


> "but he still slips up on occasion with questionable behavior"
> 
> What does he consider questionable behavior?
> 
> ...


It's more what I consider questionable, just things i don't think a married man, father of seven should be doing. Things like going out to bars, leaving the house and staying at his mom's whenever he doesn't feel like dealing with issues, having contact w/ women from his past, giving his # to other women. He always has an explanation for his behavior and mostly just chalks it up to me overreacting, but my gut tells me there is more. I don't think he is in another relationship, but I do have suspicions that he may have stepped outside the marriage on occasion. It almost seems as though he is looking for attention from other women. B/c like I said, I have never actually "caught him" having a full blown affair, but I have caught him in lies and situations related to other women that had I not stopped it who knows how far it may have gone. I guess the penalty would be divorce, I'm not the type that waits to be cheated on if all the other signs are there. I have 4 little ones that take up all my time and the energy it would take for me to gather hard evidence would be better used with my children. he has now moved out of the house upon my request and is very angry with me. He wants to work on the marriage but I'm not sure he will ever change, it's almost like this thing that is a prt of him that is willing to push the boundaries to see how far he can go. I don't know, I'm still very confused. I want to do the right thing and what is best for my children but I'm not willing to put them through years of a disfunctional marriage. My oldest is 6 and I can see it is already affecting him. My heart aches for him but my head is telling me to let him go.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Unless he's willing to stop all of the behaviors that you list, will you ever feel OK?

Also, it takes more $$ than time to catch the cheater. You can GPS and put a voice activated recorder in his car for instance...


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## *momof4* (Oct 25, 2009)

He has said in the past he is willing to stop , and will for a while, but at the first argument or diagreement he is back to his old ways. Believe me I have alreay thought of that. His cell phone is a government issued,so it automatically locks, he doesn't have a personal one. And the vehicle he drives mostly is also a government issued so it is impossible to put a GPS on it. Now that he is out of the house he has taken one of our vehicles, I guess I could put a GPS on that, I'll have to figure out how since it is now an hour away. What's the voice activated recorder?


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Sony - Digital Voice Recorder - ICD-BX700

Has he given you any indication why you would believe he'd stick with his changes now if he hasn't in the past?


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## *momof4* (Oct 25, 2009)

No, and that's why I am where i am. I have given him 8 years to change. He will stop some behaviors but then replace them w/others. He has stopped the bar hopping(that I know of) but then he started going to his mom's whenever there was conflict at home.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

And his mother allows it? What's wrong with her? I'd tell my kid to get his butt home and deal with it like an adult.

You may be in a no win... In which case... make your exit plan.


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## *momof4* (Oct 25, 2009)

My thoughts exactly! His mother is 77 and he is the baby boy of 10, go figure. i have already started an exit plan and I know there is no turning back once it has begun. Just want to be sure i am doing the right thing by moving on. I know he loves me but don't think I want the kind of love he has to offer. We just have different expectations from a marriage. Thank you for your input, needed to vent and be assured of my decision....


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