# Confused



## 1ofeach (Nov 5, 2008)

My wife of 10 years has filed for separation. We have 2 children 6 & 2 and are still living in the same house. When we went to sign the papers I got upset and she told me that all it is now is a bunch of words for now. She uses the term (if) a lot about what the future might be. Mentally she has checked out but there is still some emotional attachment still there. We still sit together and kiss and stuff, but she has told me that sometimes she does it so I don’t get upset and other times she wants it. I am trying to give as much space as possible but it is hard when you are in the same house. She has told me that I keep pushing her away with some of my actions but the problem is that I’m never sure of when to be close and when not to, also I need to keep my mouth shut sometimes when I get upset. I have told her to just say nicely that she wants space and I would go upstairs or leave for awhile even though I would be hurt I understand. I am working on the things that have caused the problems (controlling, finances, not listening when she was upset) and I have told her that I understand that it will take some time to trust me. One of the biggest problems I have is that I fell she is having an EA; she talks with a guy from work it seems all the time. This is where I have (according to her) pushed her away the must because we have gotten into the same fight several times. She insists that he is only a friend and that if he ever tried something she would stop it. I have told her that any guy that would spend that much time on her when he has his own wife and kids and I’m sure she doesn’t know about there talking has other plans and is just waiting for the right time. 
I am just trying to keep my emotional attachment with my wife while I work on my self and pray that she will start to turn around but ‘m lost in how to give space but keep her close.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

1ofeach said:


> My wife of 10 years has filed for separation. We have 2 children 6 & 2 and are still living in the same house. When we went to sign the papers I got upset and she told me that all it is now is a bunch of words for now. She uses the term (if) a lot about what the future might be. Mentally she has checked out but there is still some emotional attachment still there. We still sit together and kiss and stuff, but she has told me that sometimes she does it so I don’t get upset and other times she wants it. I am trying to give as much space as possible but it is hard when you are in the same house. She has told me that I keep pushing her away with some of my actions but the problem is that I’m never sure of when to be close and when not to, also I need to keep my mouth shut sometimes when I get upset. I have told her to just say nicely that she wants space and I would go upstairs or leave for awhile even though I would be hurt I understand. I am working on the things that have caused the problems (controlling, finances, not listening when she was upset) and I have told her that I understand that it will take some time to trust me. One of the biggest problems I have is that I fell she is having an EA; she talks with a guy from work it seems all the time. This is where I have (according to her) pushed her away the must because we have gotten into the same fight several times. She insists that he is only a friend and that if he ever tried something she would stop it. I have told her that any guy that would spend that much time on her when he has his own wife and kids and I’m sure she doesn’t know about there talking has other plans and is just waiting for the right time.
> I am just trying to keep my emotional attachment with my wife while I work on my self and pray that she will start to turn around but ‘m lost in how to give space but keep her close.



you mention controlling, listening, pushing her away, having the same fight. you also minimized her "relationship" with the other guy ("I have told her that any guy that would spend that much time on her when he has his own wife and kids and I’m sure she doesn’t know about there talking has other plans and is just waiting for the right time.")

first, if she IS having an EA with this guy, it's real to her. she sure as $#!t doesn't want to be told he's trying to manipulate her for ulterior motive. that just minimizaes her feelings, which will leave residual resentment that probably already exists from your controlling, lack of listening, etc.

becausde of that, you have a great opportunity now to find out what it is that this guy is providing for her that she is not getting from you. in her opinion, she probably doesn't feel controlled by him, he listens to her, he doesn't push her away, etc. she may feel very safe in disclosing her feelings to him, while you are not giving her a safe haven to outlet.

i've said before that "space is relative." i understand you wouldn't want to give so much space that the EA, if it exists, flourishes. i would, if i were you, go on the assumption that there is an EA taking place without enacting the standard protocol. for now, don't demand "no contact." just listen, and learn. what is it that she's getting from this contact? and make sure you are tip top in taking care of your other husbandly obligations.

what you learn in this period will make you a better husband. i would go ahead and ask her what she thinks this EA provides for her. the replicate those qualities for her. make 'em a habit. just know, it's gonna be easier for her to love you than some new emotional player. she wants these things from you. apparently she feels you don't provide 'em. not a knock on you. we men get a little complacent. but we keep the oil changed in the truck, right? it's just mandatory maintenance. care for the machine so it'll take us 100,000 miles.


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## 1ofeach (Nov 5, 2008)

She has told that they just talk about general things and he is one of the only people that she talks to that will give both sides (male point of view). She has talked to him in front of me altought this is not the normal and did introduce me to hime at her work one time. I am in counseling for my problems and she has stated that maybe she would go in the future but she needs to work on herself right now.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

1ofeach said:


> She has told that they just talk about general things and he is one of the only people that she talks to that will give both sides (male point of view). She has talked to him in front of me altought this is not the normal and did introduce me to hime at her work one time. I am in counseling for my problems and she has stated that maybe she would go in the future but she needs to work on herself right now.


dumb question maybe, but is he gay?


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## 1ofeach (Nov 5, 2008)

No he's married with three kids.


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