# I think my wife hates me.



## axxein (Aug 13, 2016)

Hi everyone, I am new here and I hope I posted in the right place.

My wife is American, I am not. We met online and got married and I moved to the US since almost 2 years. When I came here everything was different to me, I saw that my wife is not doing well in life. Everyone walks over her even her kids, people are mean to her and uses her money like her ex but thru her kids. I tried to talk to her and to make things better, but I feel like she doesn't want to change because life is easier this way for her. I am different, no one dares to walk over me or do something bad to me, because they know that I am capable of hitting back. She says that is a scary thing, to be capable of being tough with others. Anyway, she never kept a job or had a healthy social relation with others. When I came to the US I worked hard and got a good job, got promotion, made friends and always getting invited to people's activities. I noticed that she started to hate me, I might be wrong. She hates that I am smart and successful in life and I was able to make a good life here in the time she failed. She started to ask me to leave people and not to talk to them, and not to stay at work if they needed me. Then she wants to drag me into being walked over with her by her ex. When I refused she asked me to leave the house and that she wants to divorce me. Is it true? Does she really hate that I am successful in life while she's not?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Welcome to TAM.

Does your wife hate you? Who knows?

Does she want you out of her house and divorced? From what you say, yes, she does.

Seek legal advice to protect your interests.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Yes your wife wants to divorce you. As to why she wants to divorce you, who knows since it makes no sense considering how spectacularly awesome you are.



axxein said:


> Does she really hate that I am successful in life while she's not?


Do you ever find it a burden thinking you are better than your wife?

Do you hate your wife?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

axxein said:


> My wife is American, I am not. We met online and got married and I moved to the US since almost 2 years.


This is a big part of your problem. Meeting online you do not get a good assessment of a person. 
If the courting was mainly done by texting, this gives the writer time to pause and to put their best "foot", "face", "personality" forward. This puts both parties at a disadvantage. People need a lot of "face time" before they married. After you came to the US, you likely did not date enough.

Plus, you came ALL THIS WAY and wanted this relationship to work.



> I saw that my wife is not doing well in life. Everyone walks over her even her kids, people are mean to her and uses her money like her ex but thru her kids. I tried to talk to her and to make things better, but I feel like she doesn't want to change because life is easier this way for her.


She wanted a man in her own image. No, she wanted a man she could control. She wanted a Nice Guy and a Knight in Shining Armor: KISA



> I am different, no one dares to walk over me or do something bad to me, because they know that I am capable of hitting back. She says that is a scary thing, to be capable of being tough with others. Many women want a strong successful man. She doe not?


Yes, you scared the "love out of her". Not necessarily your fault. But it happened.



> Anyway, she never kept a job or had a healthy social relation with others. When I came to the US I worked hard and got a good job, got promotion, made friends and always getting invited to people's activities. I noticed that she started to hate me,


She is timid.....passive/aggressive. Socially inept. You likely made her feel inferior. This can happen just by trying to "fix her". Make her a better person.....more successful. She has become resentful.



> Does she really hate that I am successful in life while she's not?


Yes. 

Not the success part, but rather the dominant part. She wanted a puppy dog, that she could cuddle with. Someone to share her misery with.

You are NOT that person. She is wrong for you, and you for her.

I would stay until your Green Card is issued. After that? Separate and divorce, amicably.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Personal said:


> Yes your wife wants to divorce you. As to why she wants to divorce you, who knows since it makes no sense considering how spectacularly awesome you are.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Kind of harsh! She sounds like a weak person, while he sounds like a competent, together person who made the mistake of marrying the wrong woman.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> Kind of harsh! She sounds like a weak person, while he sounds like a competent, together person who made the mistake of marrying the wrong woman.


I take it you missed the part where she wants him to spend time with her, but he instead is spending that time helping people at work (which reads as staying back extra) and hanging with his friends.

Since he kept emphasising how awesome he is compared to his wife, asking if he hates her is a reasonable question.

At the end of the day as he describes it, they are probably ill suited to each other, perhaps they both should have chosen more wisely.


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## axxein (Aug 13, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> I would stay until your Green Card is issued. After that? Separate and divorce, amicably.


I got my Green Card a year and half ago. I am still trying to help her because she is not working and failing to get a job because of her bad work history, all bad references. I am staying to support her financially. I love her and I dont hate her at all.


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## axxein (Aug 13, 2016)

Personal said:


> Yes your wife wants to divorce you. As to why she wants to divorce you, who knows since it makes no sense considering how spectacularly awesome you are.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


She wants to divorce me because she cant control me and she nothing to use against me to subdue me. That was the case between her and her ex husband, she used to make money more than him. In our case I am the major breadwinner, she doesnt work at all. She wants to subdue and control me to do whatever she wants and she is failing everytime. I don't hate her at all. I really love her and I really feel sad leaving the house because she asked me to and said wanted a divorce. I offered her to help her financially but she doesn't want, she just keep saying leave me alone.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

axxein said:


> She wants to divorce me because she cant control me ...


We're getting your side of the story. I don't know if it's a matter of whether or not she can control you. It may be a matter of you not meeting her needs. I'm only speculating, because we are not getting her side of the story.



axxem said:


> ... I am the major breadwinner, she doesnt work at all. She wants to subdue and control me to do whatever she wants and she is failing everytime.


This doesn't make sense to me. She doesn't want to work, but she wants to control you. Uh, you are the one paying her way. It makes sense she would be sucking up to you big-time, because without you right now, she might be out in the street. So, she doesn't want to work, she wants to control you, and you aren't buying into it.

Exactly WHAT is it she wants to control? How you spend money? How you spend your leisure time? Your political beliefs? I mean, WHAT???

So now she wants a divorce and doesn't want your financial help?

Okay, who is she seeing? It sounds like there is another man - possibly - in the scenario.

Please clarify.


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## axxein (Aug 13, 2016)

Prodigal said:


> We're getting your side of the story. I don't know if it's a matter of whether or not she can control you. It may be a matter of you not meeting her needs. I'm only speculating, because we are not getting her side of the story.
> 
> 
> 
> ...





Prodigal said:


> We're getting your side of the story. I don't know if it's a matter of whether or not she can control you. It may be a matter of you not meeting her needs. I'm only speculating, because we are not getting her side of the story.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Yes she wants to control how I spend my money, she wants me to give it to her. She wants to control how I spend my time, don't talk to this friend, don't talk to that friend, dont do this or that. Don't use social media because I hate it. I said ok I will not use it, a week later I found out that she is on social media and I asked her about it she said that she can use it but I cant!!! That's what I am talking about, she wants to tell me what to do and what not to do but same time she wants to do wahtever she wants. I don't know if she is seeing someone else. She said she will apply for help thru the state.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

If what you say is true, tell her to go pound sand. 

I would highly suggest you get onto her social media account to find out exactly who her "friends" are. Help from the state? Okay. Maybe.

But the fact she wants to keep you in the dark while she gets to do what she wants? F^ck that. 

You pay the bills. You support her. Tell her you want to know just what she is up to. Why? Because she wants to kick you out and doesn't seem all that concerned about how she will survive.

At least you won't have to pay her support. Smells fishy to me. There very well could be another man. If she doesn't let you know what she is up to, tell her you'll be more than happy to leave.

You deserve a lot better than this. And, yes, it DOES sound like your wife hates you.


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## axxein (Aug 13, 2016)

Prodigal said:


> If what you say is true, tell her to go pound sand.
> 
> I would highly suggest you get onto her social media account to find out exactly who her "friends" are. Help from the state? Okay. Maybe.
> 
> ...


She have said many times that she wanted divorce and when I am ready to leave she starts to cry so I stay and I do stay. This time she is not. Plus she keeps telling me I dont want you to have female friends because I have trust issues from my past. So I said ok I understand, then I find her chatting with 2 male friends and when I asked her about it she said they are just friends and she knows them since they were kids. I said well me too, that's how my females friends are. She said ya but I have trust issues and you dont. So you can't talk to them but I can. Like WTF?


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## lisamaree (Nov 2, 2014)

I think this is hard because we only get your side of the story.

She could be a conniving controlling person.

Or she could see something that you aren't telling us. Why doesn't she want you to have friends? And social media? Do you have friends she may be questionable of (such as women)? Are you spending a lot of time with friends and ignoring her?
Does she have a history of abuse and infidelity in a previous relationship?

It's rather odd for someone to not want their spouse to succeed, especially in your wife's case given that she doesn't have a job.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Have you ever cheated on your wife?

In your waking hours do you spend more time with your friends and or communicating with them more than your wife?

What is wrong with you, more to the point why do you say you are in love with your wife when you description of her isn't very complimentary?

Why would you love your wife when she isn't nice to you?


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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

Hello! Is there any possibility that your wife may have depression? Some self esteem issues? I would recommend counselling for herself. It may be all about her own issues and insecurities rather than about you?! I say this because usually a self assured and sound of mind woman would want their spouse to be financially and all round successful in life . Especially if she has had such bad luck in life , in this situation one would think that a success husband would bring the wife up with him instead of the wife trying to bring the husband down, thus to me rings alarm bells of - depression or some sort of mental health issue. Anyways that's just my opinion, take it or leave it. I wish you luck in your endeavours and resolving this matter. Take care. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## confusednAlone (Aug 15, 2016)

My wife specifically said she hates me. I swear when I heard to words, it was like a sword cutting throw me. Sorry you feel that way. The minute you sense it or hear it be prepared for the worse pain in your life. 

Sent from my SM-G920T using Tapatalk


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

confusednAlone said:


> My wife specifically said she hates me. I swear when I heard to words, it was like a sword cutting throw me. Sorry you feel that way. The minute you sense it or hear it be prepared for the worse pain in your life.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G920T using Tapatalk


Another day at the office here . Detachment and oodles of self confidence are useful.


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## confusednAlone (Aug 15, 2016)

john117 said:


> Another day at the office here


Yeesh my spelling sucks. Lol I hate writing fast.  

Sent from my SM-G920T using Tapatalk


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## Guth (Oct 23, 2015)

Congratulations on coming to USA, finding a job and prospering! Which part of the world are you from? Has your wife been there? Just curious.

You suggest using physical strength to fight back against people who upset you. Have you used force to hold your wife, or punished her in any way?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Maybe you can help her out! Look around, and see if there are any local "assertiveness training" courses that you can pay for her to go to. It might help her cope with her shyness. Also, lay off the pointing out that people walk all over her...i am sure she knows that already, and does not need you just rubbing her nose in it.


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## frozen (Mar 5, 2012)

Clearly you are trying to change her. You said that in your second paragraph when you said you tried to tali to her but she doesn't want to change. 

Do you accept other people trying to change you? 

Try unconditional love, it works wonders. 

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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

frozen said:


> Clearly you are trying to change her. You said that in your second paragraph when you said you tried to tali to her but she doesn't want to change.
> 
> Do you accept other people trying to change you?
> 
> ...


Unconditional love to someone who hates him?

That might make her start to feel even more resentment toward him.

A bit like a shopkeeper who when a known shoplifter comes into the shop say: "Hi! It's you again! Don't bother stealing stuff! I have it all here for you in a box!"


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## candle100 (Aug 21, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Unconditional love to someone who hates him?
> 
> That might make her start to feel even more resentment toward him.
> 
> A bit like a shopkeeper who when a known shoplifter comes into the shop say: "Hi! It's you again! Don't bother stealing stuff! I have it all here for you in a box!"


Sometimes unconditional love works, not every case though.


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