# Left husband. 2 kids. Not sure if im doing the right thing



## H2019

I've Just left my husband after numerous attempts to get him to get help for his weed and alcohol habits.
Long story short, he has been drinking quickly and excessively straight spirits after work followed by smoking bongs daily for a long time.
It was initially a weekend only thing. Now it's often daily. He has had a few moments this year where he has stopped completely but it ends in him going back to old habits.
Occasionally he will rant and carry on (not lately as he knew he was on.thjn ice). And occasinaly I have left when he has been drunk as he has been so drunk i don't want the kids to seem him like it. All cranky and breaking things etc. I am often relieved when he smokes weed As I know he will juat be mellow and quiet, so i have likely been an enabler with that.
Over the last few week's I have left for a few days and then returned- this has resulted in him not drinking for a few days but then eventually going back to old habits.
On weekends and mornings he of tren stays in bed for hours and doesn't contribute a great deal to helping with the kids or involving himself.
I realise things aren't likely to change so I've suggested co parenting which he agreed to.
Now I'm second guessing myself, wondering if my expectations are too high, worrying I am going to hurt hhIM. Or cause him to snap and harm us. Im so confused and jus don't know if I'm doing the right thing.
I don't know if I'm hurting our kids by doing this. I love him but just don't want my children growing up like this. Even if they are asleep.and oblivious to what is going on :s.
Anyone been in a similar situation?
When he has said he is going to drink I have cowardly just hopped in the car while he is out and left for a few nights with the kids to avoid confrontation - cowardly j know.


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## Diana7

How will the children be safe with him alone if he is often either drunk or high? Unless he stops these habits then I wouldnt leave him alone with the children. As a parent I would say if he stops permanently then you will come back, but I wouldnt want my children to be around someone who takes drugs and drinks too much.


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## Spicy

I agree with @Diana7....he is not fit for co-parenting. You will need to get full custody until a time comes where he is sober and has proven himself to be a safe parent. I think you have done the correct thing, even though it was hard. You will have to be tough, and stick with it.

I am so sorry you find your family in this situation. Welcome to TAM. Folks more experienced with addiction etc will be along to help!


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## TJW

H2019 said:


> Anyone been in a similar situation?


Yes, but no children. Only the addiction part.
Your husband has a long process to get free of his. It is not going to happen in a week or two. It is going to be YEARS. Years of meetings, therapy, etc. If he is committed to getting free of his addiction, then he will endure the process.

Most people prefer to remain as they are.....unfortunately.



H2019 said:


> I don't know if I'm hurting our kids by doing this. I love him but just don't want my children growing up like this.


The kids may "miss" their dad. However, the "hurting" is occurring NOW.... Your husband's behavior is writing on the slate of who they are.

And, what you are doing when he is going to drink is not "cowardly". You are doing what is RIGHT, protecting your children. Continue.


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## Casual Observer

H2019 said:


> When he has said he is going to drink I have cowardly just hopped in the car while he is out and left for a few nights with the kids to avoid confrontation - cowardly j know.


He's not going to decide to get better unless he decides to get better. And there's the problem. Why should he bother doing something that will be terribly difficult, and perhaps not even possible, as long as you're still there enabling him, or taking a few days off here & there so you don't have to confront him? The flip side is that not only are you not confronting him, but he's not having to deal with confronting you or his issues. At this point there is nothing in your relationship that is healthy and functional. I don't think you can make it worse. You can only make it better & safer for yourself and your kids by getting away from him. His demons are, unfortunately, his own to fight, and quite possibly his own to lose.

The fact that you can get away for a few days with the kids makes it appear that financially you're able to "get out." Just do it. Make it permanent. 

You will not read any "good" stories, here or elsewhere, about kids who grew up with alcoholic parents. You will find many stories where kids who grew up with an alcoholic parent developed alcoholism (and other bad personality issues) themselves.

Get out. You can give it a year or two to see if he'll clean up in a meaningful, long-term fashion... if you feel a need to. But you don't owe it to him. What you owe is to yourself and your kids... a safe environment.


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## hinterdir

H2019 said:


> I've Just left my husband after numerous attempts to get him to get help for his weed and alcohol habits.
> Long story short, he has been drinking quickly and excessively straight spirits after work followed by smoking bongs daily for a long time.
> It was initially a weekend only thing. Now it's often daily. He has had a few moments this year where he has stopped completely but it ends in him going back to old habits.
> Occasionally he will rant and carry on (not lately as he knew he was on.thjn ice). And occasinaly I have left when he has been drunk as he has been so drunk i don't want the kids to seem him like it. All cranky and breaking things etc. I am often relieved when he smokes weed As I know he will juat be mellow and quiet, so i have likely been an enabler with that.
> Over the last few week's I have left for a few days and then returned- this has resulted in him not drinking for a few days but then eventually going back to old habits.
> On weekends and mornings he of tren stays in bed for hours and doesn't contribute a great deal to helping with the kids or involving himself.
> I realise things aren't likely to change so I've suggested co parenting which he agreed to.
> Now I'm second guessing myself, wondering if my expectations are too high, worrying I am going to hurt hhIM. Or cause him to snap and harm us. Im so confused and jus don't know if I'm doing the right thing.
> I don't know if I'm hurting our kids by doing this. I love him but just don't want my children growing up like this. Even if they are asleep.and oblivious to what is going on :s.
> Anyone been in a similar situation?
> When he has said he is going to drink I have cowardly just hopped in the car while he is out and left for a few nights with the kids to avoid confrontation - cowardly j know.


Leaving him sounds reasonable. You do not have to divorce but you can just get yourself out of that environment. 
Based on your headline it sounds as if you have left the kids alone with him. That's sounds foolish, if I read it correctly.


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## GC1234

How long has he had his weed and drinking problem? I'll tell you this first hand, I'm glad you're trying to ensure your kids don't see it. It would be harmful to their development, trust me. If he doesn't want to help himself, he's leaving you with not much choice. I think you know what you need to do. If not for you, for the sake of your kids.


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## DownByTheRiver

I think you're going to have to enlighten the court, through your attorney, that for him to share custody, he has to get in AA and stay sober. It's a horrible situation for you. It's not fair you should have to scrape by and do all the child rearing, but sounds like that's a lot of what has been going on already. He should have to take half responsibility, but he's not fit as is. And I'm sure you both need to work, so I think childcare is going to also have to be budgeted for between the two of you to make it work. If you take the kids, he will have to pay you child support, but you also won't have time to work and child support alone won't be enough to live on, I don't imagine. And that's assuming he can keep a job. 

Do you have any family support, anyone you could live with to help with expenses, or a friend who you could trade off babysitting with so you'd both have time to work or whatever?

Whatever you do, make it legal before a judge. Don't do mediation because their job is to meet in the middle, and he shouldn't have that at this point. You need this to go through a judge with written visitation orders and not have to negotiate with him about anything nor even communicate except about the kids or it will turn into a s**t show like it always does. You can even make it through a judge where you only communicate via one of those email websites specifically for people sharing custody, where they are not allowed to say nasty things to you and if they do, there is a record to take to the judge. And the only exception is if the kid goes to the emergency ward or something like that. It cuts out the crap and truly gets you out of having to deal with the crap you're tired of already and why you want to divorce to begin with.


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## H2019

hinterdir said:


> Leaving him sounds reasonable. You do not have to divorce but you can just get yourself out of that environment.
> Based on your headline it sounds as if you have left the kids alone with him. That's sounds foolish, if I read it correctly.


I have the Kids. Although I feel immense guilt taking them away. I feel Sorry for him


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## DownByTheRiver

Which is why you don't want to sit and wait for him to walk out in front of a bus or something, nor want the kids to. They self-destruct. It's hard to watch. Maybe this will wake him up. If not, you're out and the kids are out.


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## DownByTheRiver

Lots of times in order for an addict to recover, they have to stay away from their former life because of triggers, so don't count on any recovery and reunion. It's rare. More likely is he'll crawl back and promise the moon and just conceal it better. 

One of my old bfs was an alcoholic and he doesn't live near me anyway anymore, but he ruined his marriage with it and then went in rehab when she divorced him and then decided he wasn't really an alcoholic and started up again and ended up homeless, and his oldest friend and brother put him in rehab, just this past year. And then because he was out of it for so long, he ignored his diabetes problem and just lost his foot to it. It just gets worse with age. He's in his 60s now. Known him since he was 25.


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## EleGirl

H2019 said:


> I have the Kids. Although I feel immense guilt taking them away. I feel Sorry for him


Where are you staying with the kids?

If he wanted to, he could go to court right now and get a court order forcing you to return the children to the family home. You have no legal right to move out with your children. I'm not saying this to be mean to you. I want to help protect you and your children. I actually had this happen to me... I filed for divorce because of domestic violence. My ex go his attorney to call an emergency court hearing. The just gave him 100% custody because she said that I acted unilaterally and had no right to. I ended up stopping the divorce and moved back into the family home so that he could not maintain 100% custody. Then I worked to build a case that would hold up in court.

Please see an attorney and find out what your rights are and how to protect your self and your children.

Is there any proof that your husband is an alcoholic and also abuses weed?

How old are your children?


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## DownByTheRiver

What needs to happen is she consults an attorney to find out what is the next step. Maybe it's reporting him to CPS. Maybe it's just to file divorce.


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## Casual Observer

EleGirl said:


> Where are you staying with the kids?
> 
> If he wanted to, he could go to court right now and get a court order forcing you to return the children to the family home. You have no legal right to move out with your children. I'm not saying this to be mean to you. I want to help protect you and your children. I actually had this happen to me... I filed for divorce because of domestic violence. My ex go his attorney to call an emergency court hearing. The just gave him 100% custody because she said that I acted unilaterally and had no right to. I ended up stopping the divorce and moved back into the family home so that he could not maintain 100% custody. Then I worked to build a case that would hold up in court.
> 
> Please see an attorney and find out what your rights are and how to protect your self and your children.
> 
> Is there any proof that your husband is an alcoholic and also abuses weed?
> 
> How old are your children?


Wow. Who would have thought. Terrible that you went through that; good that someone else can benefit from what you learned.


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## ABHale

H2019 said:


> I have the Kids. Although I feel immense guilt taking them away. I feel Sorry for him


Don’t feel guilty. Your husband should feel the guilt for driving you to do this.


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## Rob_1

Please, please, do what @EleGirl says. You never know what in his drug out mind he might conjure up and follow through. Stablish legal reason (s) as to why you were forced to leave your home with your kids for their own safety. This is imperative.


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## DanBond

You shouldn't feel guilty. In the long run you are doing the right thing


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## Totally T

It's stuff like this that made me oppose pot legalization in my town, although my voice made no difference. Concern also for kids.


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## Marc878

The only one who can fix a drunk is the Drunk. 
Stay Gone and don’t waste anymore of your life.


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