# How would you react to this?



## Needpeace (May 24, 2012)

Ok, I need a man's perspective on this subject.

Our eldest daughter works at a resort as a chief, the stable & animal carer staff invited our youngest daughter to come for an afternoon of horse riding, this was also clarified by management that it was fine for eldest daughter to bring along youngest daughter for the afternoon, this had been organised for weeks in advance, youngest daughter was very excited, she is in cancer remission but has only recently been diagnosed with an autoimmune disease & is doing it tough & the staff wanted to give her a treat & cheer her up.

Within this period of a few weeks the staff manager had left, the receptionist was holding the fort until a new manager was hired but was not the boss of the resort so to speak.

Along came horse riding day, eldest daughter takes youngest daughter to work with her, she was beyond herself with excitement & simply couldn't wait to jump on a horse for her long awaited riding experience. Upon arrival youngest daughter sat quietly playing her 3DS in the lounge area of the resort while she waited for the all important hour to tick over. Eldest & youngest daughter both are fully aware the kitchen area was out of bounds due to saftey, liability & insurance reasons hence waiting in the lounge area.

Well, receptionist didn't agree with youngest daughter being on the premises & was aware of the prior arrangements but took it upon herself to call the kitchen manager stating "Such & such has brought along her little brat of a sister to work & is running a muck around the kitchen & making a nuisance of herself & misbehaving" kitchen manager thought this was odd & not typical behaviour for eldest daughter to allow & agreed the child should not be in the kitchen. The receptionist didn't realize the youngest daughter was sitting quietly in the lounge hearing every word spoken during said phone conversation. This made youngest daughter feel extremely uncomfortable & upset reducing her to tears, youngest daughter then stood at the kitchen doorway in tears asking for her big sister, other caring staff were comforting her until her sister could tend to her, unfortunately during this time the receptionist stormed into the kitchen screaming "Get her out of here, she is not allowed to be here while you are working" & "Whats wrong with your mother, your sister is your parents responsibility not yours, your not her mother" this really upset youngest daughter & sat in the lounge area sobbing. Not to mention this really pissed me off when they arrived home later. 

Not long after the kitchen manager arrived & got a handle on the situation & lie's told as other staff came to eldest & youngests defence, receptionist was told in not so many words how rude & uncalled her behaviour was towards the youngest daughter. Youngest daughter was allowed to stay so they could forfill their resort promise of a fun & enjoyable afternoon, she cheered up & everything was back on track. 

Enter Helicopter pilot, who was begining his first joyflights, receptionist thinks he's pretty hot & flirting, pilot says "If you've got $50 I'll take you up for an hour, it's usually more but I'll give you a discount" receptionist jumped at the chance. It was also now time for youngest daughter's horse ride, receptionist now expects the woman at the stable to fill in at the the reception desk so she can go for her flirty chopper joyride. All the staff thought this was highly inappropriate as youngest daughter had waited hours for her horse ride which now is not going to happen due to the receptionists selfishness, the kitchen manager was disgusted & relayed how unfair she was being to youngest daughter & that this had been organised for this little girl to have some fun at the resort due to her illness, receptionist stated "I don't give a **** I'm going in the helicopter, can't help bad luck, who cares" and off she went.

Well...as you can imagine youngest daughter was extremely upset again by this woman, all staff & eldest daughter were consoling her stating the receptionist's actions today were callous & that they were terribly sorry but her horse ride will not be going ahead because of her.

Youngest daughter came home feeling worthless, upset & very hard done by, she is a quiet co-operative young lady, she is far past the young "Run a Muck" stage at 13 y/o, who did not deserve this kind of treatment, she can barely walk let alone run, this really knocked her self esteem for a six, her eldest sister was ropeable with this staff member but was helpless to fix the situation, co-workers couldn't apologize enough.

It has taken all my might not to contact this woman & tear strips off her, how dare she treat our daughter in this way, I want to rip out her jugular!!! Today this woman rang our house trying to make contact with our eldest daughter for the new manager, the new manager is a very reasonable & approachable man, if he was aware of this woman's past behaviour he would not be impressed, many resorts clients have named her "dragon lady" this is not good for business & word of mouth for the resort, it won't take the new manager long to work her out, he has already asked our daughter learn the reception desk, maybe her sacking is near.

Anyhow...it was my husband who took the call from this woman, he was as nice as pie to her, he showed no tone of disgust nor any mention of this incident, he actually helped her in her efforts to contact our eldest daughter which was not a matter of urgency or work hours related.

This woman is the receptionist, absolutely nothing to do with hiring & firing, so how would you guys have handled this woman, would you have spoke up to her if given the opportunity as my husband was given today?

Or am I just over reacting expecting my husband to defend his sick daughter....not to mention me? As the the whole purpose of this horse riding afternoon was to give a sick kid some joy, instead she got the complete opposite.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

First, I'd cut your H some slack. He may very well not have known that he was talking to the dragon lady.

And even if I'd known who I was talking to, I would be polite, but nothing more-dragon lady would probably report to the police that I had "threatened" her if I mentioned the incident; she sounds like that type of b++ch.

Even though my first reaction would be to be waiting for dragon lady in the parking lot with a Louisville Slugger, I'd do something more discreet, like "anonymously" hire a male stripper to give her a singing telegram at the reception desk while the new manager was there...


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

So all this is a poke at your husband about how he handled the call? Yuk.

He did exactly the right thing. Only a mad man would try and reason, remonstrate or argue with a mad woman.



The big thing you need to do is to get through to your daughter that everything that went bad is on the mad woman, nothing is on your daughter, her sister or her father.

And you need to be united with your husband and don’t make a very bad situation a whole lot worse just because he wouldn’t argue with a mad woman!


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

I would have done exactly what your H did. But you or H should sit down and write a letter to both the new manager and the owner, detailing the behavior & circumstances of dragon lady - BUT make sure your oldest daughter is ok with this. She has to continue to work there.


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## Needpeace (May 24, 2012)

F-102 said:


> First, I'd cut your H some slack. He may very well not have known that he was talking to the dragon lady.
> 
> And even if I'd known who I was talking to, I would be polite, but nothing more-dragon lady would probably report to the police that I had "threatened" her if I mentioned the incident; she sounds like that type of b++ch.
> 
> Even though my first reaction would be to be waiting for dragon lady in the parking lot with a Louisville Slugger, I'd do something more discreet, like "anonymously" hire a male stripper to give her a singing telegram at the reception desk while the new manager was there...


Yeah, he knew it was dragon lady, I would have probably used a cooler tone with her. You are right about her scorn, she is the reason the manager left, very manipulating, she would make us pay for calling her out on her bad behaviour. I simply mentioned to H he didn't have to be so unbelievably nice to her.

Lol, I really love the stripper idea :smthumbup:


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

Lady, I would let go of this incident. Find another stable and take sick daughter riding. You expect too much of strangers, and people in general. Sure the receptionist is insensitive, but she broke no law, and she was not bound to help your daughter out. It would've been really nice and caring if she did. But you need to let go, move on, I think your husband handled it right.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Needpeace said:


> Yeah, he knew it was dragon lady, I would have probably used a cooler tone with her. You are right about her scorn, she is the reason the manager left, very manipulating, she would make us pay for calling her out on her bad behaviour. *I simply mentioned to H he didn't have to be so unbelievably nice to her.*
> 
> Lol, I really love the stripper idea :smthumbup:


Surely you are being deceitful? You make a long post about the situation and then at the end of it question how he handled the phone call.

When all the men here pointed out they’d have done the same thing as your H your response is _“I simply mentioned to H he didn't have to be so unbelievably nice to her”._

What on earth then was the point of your post? How do you expect to be believed?



It’s exceedingly obvious that you didn’t tell your H that you saw the very wisdom in the way he responded, that your are immensely glad he is a man that has his anger under control even in the most telling times wrt his daughters and his wife, that you truly appreciated what he did because it wouldn’t make your elder daughter’s situation worse, and what an outstanding example of a man he is to his daughters!



Know that you know, you do of course have the opportunity to make it up to your H.


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## Needpeace (May 24, 2012)

AFEH said:


> So all this is a poke at your husband about how he handled the call? Yuk.
> 
> He did exactly the right thing. Only a mad man would try and reason, remonstrate or argue with a mad woman.
> 
> ...


This is the reason we haven't acted, she is unpredictable, I would not expect him to argue with this woman but a polite cool tone does wonders or to simply state we didn't appreciate her treatment towards our daughter.

Yes, upon arrival home after the incident, she was reassured it was dragon lady's unreasonable behaviour, nobody else can be held responsible for her actions, it made her feel better when I stated "I feel like going for her jugular like a rottwieller with rabies but we can't change the outcome or her" this cheered her up.

In the past there have been quite serious incidents where others have walked all over my husband & family, H has serious confrontational problems, he has never been able too, and I s'pose after so many years my judgement becomes somewhat blurred as to my expectations in these situations.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Needpeace said:


> Yeah, he knew it was dragon lady, I would have probably used a cooler tone with her. You are right about her scorn, she is the reason the manager left, very manipulating, she would make us pay for calling her out on her bad behaviour. I simply mentioned to H he didn't have to be so unbelievably nice to her.
> 
> Lol, I really love the stripper idea :smthumbup:


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Needpeace (May 24, 2012)

rj700 said:


> I would have done exactly what your H did. But you or H should sit down and write a letter to both the new manager and the owner, detailing the behavior & circumstances of dragon lady - BUT make sure your oldest daughter is ok with this. She has to continue to work there.


The reason we have been cautious is because it's our daughters workplace, we do believe the new manager will see her, only then will this incident be mentioned.


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## Needpeace (May 24, 2012)

WalterWhite said:


> Lady, I would let go of this incident. Find another stable and take sick daughter riding. You expect too much of strangers, and people in general. Sure the receptionist is insensitive, but she broke no law, and she was not bound to help your daughter out. It would've been really nice and caring if she did. But you need to let go, move on, I think your husband handled it right.


I believe I expected nothing, our daughter was invited, our daughter did not invite herself nor us. And yes we had ignored her bad behaviour but I would not have been as accomodating as my H.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Needpeace said:


> This is the reason we haven't acted, she is unpredictable, I would not expect him to argue with this woman but a polite cool tone does wonders or to simply state we didn't appreciate her treatment towards our daughter.
> 
> Yes, upon arrival home after the incident, she was reassured it was dragon lady's unreasonable behaviour, nobody else can be held responsible for her actions, it made her feel better when I stated "I feel like going for her jugular like a rottwieller with rabies but we can't change the outcome or her" this cheered her up.
> 
> In the past there have been quite serious incidents where others have walked all over my husband & family, *H has serious confrontational problems*, he has never been able too, and I s'pose after so many years my judgement becomes somewhat blurred as to my expectations in these situations.


Well maybe that’s the issue that you were really posting about and your original post a red herring?


It’s my experience that if someone’s passive, well they’re passive. They avoid confrontation and conflict at all costs.

It’s a massive problem within a marriage and leads to a lot of resentment based on unresolved issues and the slow but certain withdrawal of loving actions and therefore love itself.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

So you're ready to indict your H because he was nice to a woman who works in the same location as your eldest daughter. 

1. I BET you're being oversensitive to how your H actually sounded. You wanted him to reach through the phone and rip this woman's tongue out, anything short of utter contempt probably sounded like "niceness". 
2. You should kiss your husband for maintaining an air of professionalism with a fellow employee (as awful of a person as she may be) of your daughter. The last thing your eldest daughter needs is to be in the middle of a pissing contest between you and the receptionist.

EDIT: I didn't read about the confrontational issues so this may all be moot. But your H was still correct in that THIS issue isn't one to be confrontational.


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## Needpeace (May 24, 2012)

AFEH said:


> Surely you are being deceitful? You make a long post about the situation and then at the end of it question how he handled the phone call.
> 
> When all the men here pointed out they’d have done the same thing as your H your response is _“I simply mentioned to H he didn't have to be so unbelievably nice to her”._
> 
> ...


Seems you know my H better than I. Is truth deceitful? Simply giving the back ground to the situation for better understanding in regards to my long post. You must have been a fly on my wall with your assumptions, thanks for your twisted view.


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## Needpeace (May 24, 2012)

AFEH said:


> Well maybe that’s the issue that you were really posting about and your original post a red herring?
> 
> 
> It’s my experience that if someone’s passive, well they’re passive. They avoid confrontation and conflict at all costs.
> ...


No not a red herring, just wanting others view to this particular incident. 

Yes you are right, it has been a huge road block in our marriage, ti cause untold problems.


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## Needpeace (May 24, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> So you're ready to indict your H because he was nice to a woman who works in the same location as your eldest daughter.
> 
> 1. I BET you're being oversensitive to how your H actually sounded. You wanted him to reach through the phone and rip this woman's tongue out, anything short of utter contempt probably sounded like "niceness".
> 2. You should kiss your husband for maintaining an air of professionalism with a fellow employee (as awful of a person as she may be) of your daughter. The last thing your eldest daughter needs is to be in the middle of a pissing contest between you and the receptionist.
> ...


I wouldn't say your whole post is moot, I probably am sensitive about these types of issue's due to past experience, I do not expect my H to be nasty, simple tone & tact is not asking much.

We do not conduct ourselves in such a manner there would never be the said pissing contest, we do respect others & our daughters position. 

Mind you that doesn't stop me fantasizing about what I would like to do to her, but just my wild imagination.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Needpeace said:


> Seems you know my H better than I. Is truth deceitful? Simply giving the back ground to the situation for better understanding in regards to my long post. You must have been a fly on my wall with your assumptions, thanks for your twisted view.


So tell me exactly how you demonstrated to your husband that you truly appreciated the way he handled the call from the mad woman.

Prove to me I got you wrong and how I got you wrong.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Just a warning: dragon lady will make getting on the new manager's good side her 1st priority. She will be sweet as honey to him/her, be a model of professionalism and efficiency (and if the new manager is a man, she will manipulate him either with "services"-or threats of harassment lawsuits if he rebuffs her), and manage to convince the boss that she's innocent and that all others, including your daughter, are "out to get her".


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## Needpeace (May 24, 2012)

AFEH said:


> So tell me exactly how you demonstrated to your husband that you truly appreciated the way he handled the call from the mad woman.
> 
> Prove to me I got you wrong and how I got you wrong.


I didn't appreciate the sickly over the top niceties of the conversation, therefore why would I show undue appreciation? A simple "Sorry, she's not available on this number, please call her mobile" would have been a better option, not have some indepth conversation as to her where abouts & looking in the phone book for possible numbers for her to be contacted on with the nervous laughter in between, he actually felt intimidated by this woman.

To state the story, state my problem & ask for opinions is not deceitful. How you perceive my words is entirely up to you, I have nothing at all to prove.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Needpeace said:


> I didn't appreciate the sickly over the top niceties of the conversation, therefore why would I show undue appreciation? A simple "Sorry, she's not available on this number, please call her mobile" would have been a better option, not have some indepth conversation as to her where abouts & looking in the phone book for possible numbers for her to be contacted on with the nervous laughter in between, he actually felt intimidated by this woman.
> 
> To state the story, state my problem & ask for opinions is not deceitful. How you perceive my words is entirely up to you, I have nothing at all to prove.


Now you are expressing your problem with your H more fully.

What do you want to do about it? I will tell you that it's probably impossible for you to change his character.

Don't get me wrong. It can't at all be easy for you with your younger daughter. No way am I passive man but even then my response may well have made the situation a whole lot worse even if it made you feel better.


It sounds to me that the single biggest problem is that you've lost respect for your husband. Either because of this situation or its been building up. That is seriously not good, not good at all.

I reckon the two of you should get into MC as quickly as you can. Try and resolve your issues there, not within your home. Your situation with your younger daughter can literally drive husband and wife apart. You need to take great care and be exceedingly conscious of the possibility of that happening.


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## Needpeace (May 24, 2012)

F-102 said:


> Just a warning: dragon lady will make getting on the new manager's good side her 1st priority. She will be sweet as honey to him/her, be a model of professionalism and efficiency (and if the new manager is a man, she will manipulate him either with "services"-or threats of harassment lawsuits if he rebuffs her), and manage to convince the boss that she's innocent and that all others, including your daughter, are "out to get her".


Yes this is true, all the staff have noticed she is sucking up true to form, her downfall may be abusing a higher co-worker from head office who was sent to keep an eye on her only days before the arrival of the new manager. Yes he is an unmarried male, she is married. She has a temper, it won't be long before she can't hold it & will burst.

She is also the only staff member to pass judgement on every employee at the resort to the new manager. He seems to be cautious of her due to this behaviour, all other emplyee's have a great happy outgoing persona & get along extremely well & this shows, not one has said a word to the manager in regards to there feelings toward her. They all treat her with cool respect when communicating with her but generally steer clear, they are playing their cards well.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Let me get this straight:
- your H has no professional connection to the resort
- the receptionist was calling on a matter of business 
- she is clearly dishonest and combative

Perhaps you don't understand how this stuff works. If your H had been anything but cooperative this woman could have truthfully told the new boss that she 'tried', to reach your older daughter but the girls family was rude and uncooperative. This weakens your daughters position in this situation. 

Your H demonstrated restraint and maturity.


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## Needpeace (May 24, 2012)

AFEH said:


> Now you are expressing your problem with your H more fully.
> 
> What do you want to do about it? I will tell you that it's probably impossible for you to change his character.
> 
> ...


Yes, you are correct, & this has been building for many years, I know I can't change him, he has a beautiful nature but is incapable of communication, decision making, taking responsibility for his lack of action & or actions.

He won't do MC, I have tried to convince him many times over, he loves me but can't seem to see through the fog. I have become a very patient person in dealing with him, the only time he becomes unreasonable is if I question his actions, he gets extremely adamant with me, I have tried every tactic to make our marriage work.

I have thought of leaving many times in the last 3 years but with a sick child & not being able to continue working to support us I feel somewhat helpless. I had always worked & enjoyed contributing within our relationship to get to where we are. Just recently I tried extremely hard to get us on track, we had many in depth discussions, booklets to help us with PA behaviour, he seemed to be making progress, I felt my love for him returning but over the last month or so he seems to have relapsed, I'm losing it again.

I am keeping the peace & taking my life in a direction for my own happiness, he seems to be happy being left alone.

Geesh I just don't know anymore, my head spins at times, we live quietly.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Needpeace said:


> Yes, you are correct, & this has been building for many years, I know I can't change him, he has a beautiful nature but is incapable of communication, decision making, taking responsibility for his lack of action & or actions.
> 
> He won't do MC, I have tried to convince him many times over, he loves me but can't seem to see through the fog. I have become a very patient person in dealing with him, the only time he becomes unreasonable is if I question his actions, he gets extremely adamant with me, I have tried every tactic to make our marriage work.
> 
> ...


As a carer you have a very tough job, most especially with the spiritual and emotional side. I hope you are taking care of yourself in a spiritual sense. This can include walks through woods, climbing mountains, private prayer in Churches, meditation, Buddhism those sorts of things.

You are applying an immense amount of spiritual and emotional energy and time on a situation at your daughter’s workplace that you can’t do anything whatsoever about.

Drop it. Let it all go.

And apply your spare time and emotional and spiritual energy on yourself because you sure are going to need it.


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## Needpeace (May 24, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> Let me get this straight:
> - your H has no professional connection to the resort
> - the receptionist was calling on a matter of business
> - she is clearly dishonest and combative
> ...


The receptionist is to contact our daughter via her mobile number not our number, it's almost as if she is treating us with comtempt. My H has no connection to the resort nor myself, yes I agree we need to consider our daughter, she is thankful we are level headed. The manager always contacts her via her mobile, being co-operative is politely referring her onto her mobile phone. I understand how this stuff works I was also once a manager of staff.


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## Needpeace (May 24, 2012)

AFEH said:


> As a carer you have a very tough job, most especially with the spiritual and emotional side. I hope you are taking care of yourself in a spiritual sense. This can include walks through woods, climbing mountains, private prayer in Churches, meditation, Buddhism those sorts of things.
> 
> You are applying an immense amount of spiritual and emotional energy and time on a situation at your daughter’s workplace that you can’t do anything whatsoever about.
> 
> ...


Yes I intend too, just wanted some insight from others, that is all. Yes, we live in the mountains, youngest & I go riding & do yoga, I sometimes lack time being surrounded by cancer with our elderly folk as well is somewhat draining. It is at times physically debilitating, hiding it also takes it toll, fakes smiles is a great cover to those around us, one would think after 8 years of battling it would come somewhat easier but one becomes battle weiry.

The resort has asked our daughter back to makes amends also, I think we should decline their kind offer, once bitten twice shy & the dragon may breathe fire again & I may lose it.


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## Needpeace (May 24, 2012)

AFEH, I appreciate you walking through this topic with me, your last post was sound caring advice, many thanks. Is 2.30am time to hit the hay.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

Needpeace said:


> Yes I intend too, just wanted some insight from others, that is all. Yes, we live in the mountains, youngest & I go riding & do yoga, I sometimes lack time being surrounded by cancer with our elderly folk as well is somewhat draining. It is at times physically debilitating, hiding it also takes it toll, fakes smiles is a great cover to those around us, one would think after 8 years of battling it would come somewhat easier but one becomes battle weiry.
> 
> The resort has asked our daughter back to makes amends also, I think we should decline their kind offer, once bitten twice shy & the dragon may breathe fire again & I may lose it.


So if they ask your daughter back to make amends, you will blow them off? It seems you cannot be satisfied, and to reward an olive branch of peace and amends with a pissy attitude makes we wonder if you are the one that is the problem. Your writings here are self-evident about many issues that you should work on in your own life.


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## Needpeace (May 24, 2012)

WalterWhite said:


> So if they ask your daughter back to make amends, you will blow them off? It seems you cannot be satisfied, and to reward an olive branch of peace and amends with a pissy attitude makes we wonder if you are the one that is the problem. Your writings here are self-evident about many issues that you should work on in your own life.


Call it what you want! Dragon lady has not extended the olive branch, showing no remorse, regret or apology for her actions. The remaining staff are fully aware of our feeling towards them, they can hold their heads high as morally correct individuals.

The main issue to consider *is our child*, keeping a child in her situation emotionally stable is a challenge at the best of times, be thankful you haven't experienced this first hand, we are not in the habit of throwing her to the wolves.

Pissy attitude....hilarious, you obviously have no understanding of self preservation, I do not go searching for others imposing their BS in our lives.

Yes, living with a PA is an ongoing problem which I have a fairly good understanding & handle on after nearly 30 years.

Remain in your blissful ignorance.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

NP,
This is a bit odd. The thread started with a tone of "I am angry that my H was nice to this crazy receptionist". 

The bit about her calling your home number not her cell is simply reinforcement that the receptionist is an idiot. But her idiocy reflects on HER, not you. Your husbands diplomacy is a sign of class. 

You say that you "know how these things work" and I believe you. And I also am very familiar with the "angry wife", getting mad at her husband for "being nice to the enemy". 

Either you believe the receptionist is the way you describe or you don't. If you do, she will get her just desserts. 



Needpeace said:


> The receptionist is to contact our daughter via her mobile number not our number, it's almost as if she is treating us with comtempt. My H has no connection to the resort nor myself, yes I agree we need to consider our daughter, she is thankful we are level headed. The manager always contacts her via her mobile, being co-operative is politely referring her onto her mobile phone. I understand how this stuff works I was also once a manager of staff.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Needpeace said:


> AFEH, I appreciate you walking through this topic with me, your last post was sound caring advice, many thanks. Is 2.30am time to hit the hay.


People who haven’t been a carer just don’t get it. I haven’t been a carer, just nursed my wife for a few weeks after an op. But I looked after the carers in my elder family, made sure they got a break that sort of thing. So I have a feeling what you have on your hands with your daughter and now you’ve brought to light the others in your family.

On top of that you have an H with a beautiful nature but who’s passive aggressive. Which sure is a contradiction of terms! But I’ve been there with my wife, I know what you mean and as such don’t need to be a fly on the wall.

You may want to look into codependency. Staying with a passive aggressive means you are more than likely a codependent and if you weren’t a codependent you’d just let your adult daughter handle her workplace situation and drop the whole thing, all of your involvement in it. Try having a read of Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself: Amazon.co.uk: Melody Beattie: Books. 


PS: I’d much rather have a confrontation like we did and even a conflict than deal with the avoidance and smiling face of the passive aggressive knowing I’m going to get it in the back some time in the future.


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## Needpeace (May 24, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> NP,
> This is a bit odd. The thread started with a tone of "I am angry that my H was nice to this crazy receptionist".


MEM11363, if you refer to post #19 this will be clearer to you


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Needpeace said:


> This is the reason we haven't acted, she is unpredictable, I would not expect him to argue with this woman but a polite cool tone does wonders or to simply state we didn't appreciate her treatment towards our daughter.
> 
> Yes, upon arrival home after the incident, she was reassured it was dragon lady's unreasonable behaviour, nobody else can be held responsible for her actions, it made her feel better when I stated "I feel like going for her jugular like a rottwieller with rabies but we can't change the outcome or her" this cheered her up.
> 
> In the past there have been quite serious incidents where others have walked all over my husband & family, H has serious confrontational problems, he has never been able too, and I s'pose after so many years my judgement becomes somewhat blurred as to my expectations in these situations.


is it just me or dose anybody else think you sound a little like the dragon lady yourself! yuk your husband has had a lot of practice dealing with dragon ladies.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Needpeace,
I actually am paying attention here. You have now totally changed your position from: 
1. I was angry because my H was not DIRECTLY aggressive with the woman
2. He was sickly over the top too nice 

And why is this about you? You say "not to mention me"? How is this in any manner about you? 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
he showed no tone of disgust nor any mention of this incident, he actually helped her in her efforts to contact our eldest daughter which was not a matter of urgency or work hours related.

This woman is the receptionist, absolutely nothing to do with hiring & firing, so how would you guys have handled this woman, would you have spoke up to her if given the opportunity as my husband was given today?

Or am I just over reacting expecting my husband to defend his sick daughter....not to mention me? As the the whole purpose of this horse riding afternoon was to give a sick kid some joy, instead she got the complete opposite.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>



>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


Needpeace said:


> I didn't appreciate the sickly over the top niceties of the conversation, therefore why would I show undue appreciation? A simple "Sorry, she's not available on this number, please call her mobile" would have been a better option, not have some indepth conversation as to her where abouts & looking in the phone book for possible numbers for her to be contacted on with the nervous laughter in between, he actually felt intimidated by this woman.
> 
> To state the story, state my problem & ask for opinions is not deceitful. How you perceive my words is entirely up to you, I have nothing at all to prove.


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## Needpeace (May 24, 2012)

AFEH said:


> People who haven’t been a carer just don’t get it. I haven’t been a carer, just nursed my wife for a few weeks after an op. But I looked after the carers in my elder family, made sure they got a break that sort of thing. So I have a feeling what you have on your hands with your daughter and now you’ve brought to light the others in your family.
> 
> On top of that you have an H with a beautiful nature but who’s passive aggressive. Which sure is a contradiction of terms! But I’ve been there with my wife, I know what you mean and as such don’t need to be a fly on the wall.
> 
> ...


Yes, famous last words they just “don't get it" but it's always a relief when I can say they “get it" which seem to be the minority over the majority, but you obviously do get it 

Ok...Co-dependancy, I have read up about this many times, reason being, if I was co-dependant I wanted to change that about myself, after much scrutiny & self evaluation of my actions & the role I play in our relationship I just don't fit this catagory, I recognized many moons ago I can’t “fix” my husband & the affects it has on our relationship. I do for me what I can to induce my own happiness, I stay because I don’t need the hassle of starting all over again & our youngest daughter can do without the uproar & upset, so can I. I look after me & the kids, our relationship is not my sole focus although all marriages require work & I put in the effort.

As far as my eldest daughters goes, I'd have more success trying to tame a lion  When I was growing up, my Mum insisted us girls be entirely independant & have gone to great lengths to instill this quality into our own kids. Yeah sure she still lives at home (not through lack of trying to get rid of her )
at nearly 22 but she does her own thing, she confides in me what she see's fit, we have a really great relationship, like many young going into the big wide world she will ask for my opinion on certain subjects, she can take that opinion or leave it, thats her perogative. Your comment in this regard prompted me to actually ask my daughter last night (after not seeing her for a week) "Am I a controlling mother" this reduced her into hysteric's & responding "Your a supportive Mum but you don't stick your nose in my life, if thats what you mean" she then asked me why I would ask such a question, I replied "Just curious" and was left at that.

I know living with the passive man over the years I have had to point out certain traits & behaviours of my H as not typical behaviour, I hated having to do this, I didn't want the kids to lack respect for him or demoralize him, it's been really difficult, but I didn't want the children to grow up with the same PA traits, what else could I do? (I know your response to that would be leave him) My H has a pretty good handle on this now too & knows he can't change himself, I give him credit for trying though, many may not agree with what I have just said but that is how I handled it.


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## Needpeace (May 24, 2012)

AFEH said:


> Staying with a passive aggressive means you are more than likely a codependent and if you weren’t a codependent you’d just let your adult daughter handle her workplace situation and drop the whole thing, all of your involvement in it. Try having a read of Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself: Amazon.co.uk: Melody Beattie: Books.
> 
> 
> PS: I’d much rather have a confrontation like we did and even a conflict than deal with the avoidance and smiling face of the passive aggressive knowing I’m going to get it in the back some time in the future.


I would like to clarify, my eldest daughter deals with her own affairs (think I already conffirmed this fact ) This is an issue that affected my youngest daughter, it is her I advocate for, which is all parents roles in raising there kids, if we don't protect them who will, which am sure you are aware. We are in a somewhat rare position when it comes to our youngest, cancer remission, long term treatment side affects, just dxed "Hashimoto's Thyroiditis" & Hypothyroidism, thyroid goiter. Past treatment & this new disease has caused heart issue's, this disease mess's up the hormones pretty bad, not to mention effects every cell in her body, skin peeling, hair shedding, nerve ending damage, she is currently in testing for numerous conditions & entering into puberty. Depression is also part of this disease, last week she wanted to kill herself, I do get very sad for her (secretly), we enter into many discussions to show her our support, we don't molly goddle her, she is mature for her age & rarely does she cry about others lack of understanding, she pretty well accept's others ingnorance, which is probably why dragon lady got under my skin, it takes alot to upset her, we aren't into pity. All our kids display empathy for those less fortunate due to their life experience, I am proud of them.

I more than know there is nothing to be done about dragon lady, it is not of ongoing discussion in this family. Response's here confirmed my H handled the call appropriately but am sure most men wouldn't have handled her as a long lost friend on the receiving end of the line, simply advised her appropriately.

I add detail to avoid assumption  but I must say it does take extra time, thats why I don't post much.

Yeah, I would rather conflict clarification than the stabbing pain in the back as well :iagree:


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## Needpeace (May 24, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> is it just me or dose anybody else think you sound a little like the dragon lady yourself! yuk your husband has had a lot of practice dealing with dragon ladies.


living with a PA, damned it you do, damned if you don't.


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## Needpeace (May 24, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> Needpeace,
> I actually am paying attention here. You have now totally changed your position from:
> 1. I was angry because my H was not DIRECTLY aggressive with the woman
> 
> ...





Needpeace said:


> "Whats wrong with your mother, your sister is your parents responsibility not yours, your not her mother" this really upset youngest daughter & sat in the lounge area sobbing. Not to mention this really pissed me off when they arrived home later.
> 
> Not long after the kitchen manager arrived & got a handle on the situation & lie's told as other staff came to eldest & youngests defence, receptionist was told in not so many words how rude & uncalled her behaviour was towards the youngest daughter. Youngest daughter was allowed to stay so they could forfill their resort promise of a fun & enjoyable afternoon, she cheered up & everything was back on track.


I don't like the insinuation of the "Bad Mother" this is far from the case. Yes H had the opportunity to appropriately state to simply treat his family with respect in her presence but in saying that I do agree with responses that dragon lady would have twisted his conversation with her.

Geesh.... more discussion has occurred here about this simple question than on the home front.


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