# How do I lovingly ask my wife to change?



## yesterday (Feb 6, 2009)

Let me start off by acknowledging that I know I cannot chnage my wife. Only she can if she so chooses. However, we have been fighting for over 4 months centered around a single issue which is:

I feel that we have grown apart over our 15 years of marriage. I no longer feel connected to her as a wife. We have no intimacy to speak of (in conversation, sexual and non-sexual contact). This has been the case for many years.

I have repeatedly expressed my feelings that I only want to experience genuine closeness with her again. I have asked her what changes she would like to see in me and what she needs from me (stating that I get to choose whether I do them or not). She "needs nothing more" from me and "does not want me to change" in anyway.

She says she feels like I want her to change her behavior, which is true. She also says she does not know how to behave around me anymore, but does not want to hear any suggestions from me. If she did, I would tell her that I would like her to be kinder and more compassionate (she knows I am going through a real rough time right now our marriage aside), I would like her to say she loves me and touch me in a non-sexual way and act like she wants to make love to me (when we were having sex I felt more like her personal orgasm device).

We have been in therapy for about 3 months (couples and individual) and I feel this has caused her to further wall me off. She stated she is in "day by day" mode right now and is not thinking beyond that about how we patch up our relationship.

I am thinking more about leaving her than staying now, but I do still love her and we have kids to think about.

Again, I am trying to show empathy and kindness toward her, but end up feeling rejected as a result. I have respect myself enough to know that I can't go on like this indefinitely.

Any insights would be appreciated.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Sounds like she has alreay moved on emotionally from the marriage and despite counseling, does not want to return emotionally or physically. This happens sometimes after years of unresolved conflict where RESENTMENT sets it. Once it does, its very difficult if not impossible to break through.
You could break through but it would take patience, persistance and she "MAY" open her heart back up to you. It's not a sure thing though.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Were the elements and behaviors that you are looking for, _ever_ a part of who she was?

In my case, all of the emotional support, affection, and interest that my spouse invested in the marriage and me, literally evaporated once we had children.

I accepted that our relationship would diminish, or change, with kids. I was not prepared for it to vanish.

Consequently, my requests to reconnect were viewed by her as yet another 'body' wanting something from her, and she resented it.


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

It sounds like you are being very understanding trying to see where your wife is coming from, which is a very good thing. If she's not willing to tell you what she wants, maybe theres things you can do to woo her... surprising her with flowers, there's a book called the love dare, my friend did it with her husband... it's a book for 30 days and something to do or think about everyday. Keep trying and hopefully she'll come around, but she has to work at this too... it can't just be one person trying to make things better.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

what has your counselor suggested?


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## yesterday (Feb 6, 2009)

preso said:


> Sounds like she has alreay moved on emotionally from the marriage and despite counseling, does not want to return emotionally or physically. This happens sometimes after years of unresolved conflict where RESENTMENT sets it. Once it does, its very difficult if not impossible to break through.
> You could break through but it would take patience, persistance and she "MAY" open her heart back up to you. It's not a sure thing though.


Yes, I feel there is resentment on her part and mine as well. I have gotten to the point where I realized I cannot hope for a better past, only a brighter future. Hopefully she will join me there. It is very frustrating to be with someone you love who will not open up. I think some of this has to do with the way men have treated her in her past, but I don't know if she is willing to explore that.


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## yesterday (Feb 6, 2009)

michzz said:


> what has your counselor suggested?



My therapist has told me she is unlikely to open up given her past. Her therapist has recommended she read a book about living with a crazy person. Our couples therapist points out that nothing will change until kindness and compassion return to the relationship.


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## yesterday (Feb 6, 2009)

Blonddeee said:


> It sounds like you are being very understanding trying to see where your wife is coming from, which is a very good thing. If she's not willing to tell you what she wants, maybe theres things you can do to woo her... surprising her with flowers, there's a book called the love dare, my friend did it with her husband... it's a book for 30 days and something to do or think about everyday. Keep trying and hopefully she'll come around, but she has to work at this too... it can't just be one person trying to make things better.


Thanks for the suggestions. We both read 5 Love Languages. Mine is physical touch. Hers is quality time. She is so far unwilling to have the book (and therapist) suggested conversation about what these languages mean to each of us specifically from each of our perspectives. Again, I think she is afraid to hear how I want her to behave differently b/c she will feel controlled somehow (even though the choice to do these things is up to her).

Wooing doesn't have an effect. She responds to my attempts to win her over or complement her by saying "you are suppose to do these things, or feel this way about me b/c you are my husband." Pretty much marginalizes my efforts...


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

yesterday said:


> I have gotten to the point where I realized I cannot hope for a better past, only a brighter future.


Is it something you did, or just something someone else did that caused the resentment?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Hunh ... interesting that you mention the 5 Love Languages, I took some test, (posted from here I think ...) and I came out at 47% physical touch. My wife came out as *ding ding* quality time. Her quality time was family time, or the notion of my allowing her time to pursue what she wanted to pursue. She didn't view quality time as time we spent together - because if it was quality time between she and I, that meant I would want sex.


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## yesterday (Feb 6, 2009)

Blanca said:


> Is it something you did, or just something someone else did that caused the resentment?


I really don't know. She admits resenting me because I am not happy in a marriage she thinks I should be happy in. This is recent history. I think there may be some unresolved issues with me and or men in general.


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## yesterday (Feb 6, 2009)

Deejo said:


> My wife came out as *ding ding* quality time. Her quality time was family time, or the notion of my allowing her time to pursue what she wanted to pursue. She didn't view quality time as time we spent together - because if it was quality time between she and I, that meant I would want sex.


My wife clarifed for me that her love language is quality time "but not necessarily just with you". Meaning her friends, family, etc. Nice, huh?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Do you think she knows what the past resentments are that she has against you? did you used to drink?


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

Is there a possibility of someone else being in the picture? Either an emotional affair or something with a close friend or coworker? She is emotionally distant from you and there has to be a reason why. Either this has been brewing for awhile or....there is someone else. Councelling is a great start for you two as well as relationship books. Not sure what else to suggest to you guys. Good Luck.


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## yesterday (Feb 6, 2009)

Blanca said:


> Do you think she knows what the past resentments are that she has against you? did you used to drink?


I am sure she could figure out the source(s) of her resentment if she wanted to. My best guess now is that she resents me for not being happy with our marriage. Her mantra these days is "I was happy with our relationship until you said you were not."

Yes I used to drink but stopped before we were married and have been sober for 17 years.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

yesterday said:


> Her mantra these days is "I was happy with our relationship until you said you were not."


well, that's pretty selfish of her. If she was truly happy with the marriage, and really loved you, she would have wanted to help you and not make this about her.


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## SaxonMan (Apr 1, 2009)

^ :iagree:


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

yesterday said:


> My best guess now is that she resents me for not being happy with our marriage. Her mantra these days is "I was happy with our relationship until you said you were not."


You are totally missing the point.

What she is meaning by that (especially given all the information in you other posts) is that she can't stand you. Almost certainly she resents your lack of backbone. That is probably your biggest let-down in her eyes.


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## yesterday (Feb 6, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> You are totally missing the point.
> 
> What she is meaning by that (especially given all the information in you other posts) is that she can't stand you. Almost certainly she resents your lack of backbone. That is probably your biggest let-down in her eyes.


Mark-

WTF?

We've been through the spine / backbone thing before.

Now you conclude my wife can't stand me as well.

Are you trying to be helpful? If so, just how exactly?

Are you trying to make a point here?

Are you trying to make yourself feel better?

I see nothing constructive in your comments.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

yesterday said:


> I see nothing constructive in your comments.


I did not mean to cause offence. Being from the UK, we have a more Anglo-Saxon way of speaking.

But I'll be honest, I was attempting to shock you into a bit of "outside the box" thinking. Forgive me, I will tone it down from now on. 

Shalom.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Yesterday She says that because she took what you said as a personal insult to her.

I understand what you were trying to do when you said that, but the reaction was not what you were hoping for.

What Mark I think was trying to say, correct me if I am wrong Mark.

While we live in a more PC world, sometimes women want us to take control, etc.

Example...

The otherday my wife walked by me, I grabbed her gave her a passionate kiss, then dragged her upstairs to our bedroom, She had no choice to go. I tore her clothes off and made love to her.

other times she likes a nice romantic dinner, candlelight and mood music.

Sometimes you just have to take the bull by the horns. 

What are you looking for what do you want from your wife? What does she want? 

A wild hot night? A romantic night? what? sometimes you ahve to spell it out.


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## yesterday (Feb 6, 2009)

GAsoccerman said:


> While we live in a more PC world, sometimes women want us to take control, etc.
> 
> Example...
> 
> ...


I do not behave the way I do in my marriage to be "PC"! My wife has issues with feeling controlled in general and by me specifically. These have surfaced big time over the past 5 months and for me the best strategy is not to prove her right.

Its great you enjoy the kind of relationship you do with your wife. I used to as well (with my wife, not yours ) and am trying to work back toward that. But there are other things to focus on first, like trusting one another enough that we can talk about our true feelings and not melt down into the same fight we've been having for 15 years...


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## undecidedjen (Jun 26, 2009)

I am in avery similar situation except it is my husband uninterestied in me. Let me just say I did leave for 18 months. It just created more problems when we got back together. now we have even more issues to work out on top of all the old ones. My husband says he wont leave because he made a commitment. Im pretty sure he dows not love me any more. I dont know really how he feels because he refuses to talk about anything except small talk. My kids are almost grown and all of this has still affected them in a bad way. I feel guilty for putting them through this. If I was a better person I would simply do all the things I know are right. You know be kind, respectful and loving, reguardless of how he acts towards me. But it is very hard whon there is constant rejection. I want to leave again but it is so mucher harder than it seems. In my experience unless you are sure you are leaving for good, seperation is not the answer. Also it is very hard on the kids. The back and forth stuff. my kids, now 17,18 and 23 think we are acting like we are teenagers. We are acting stupid. I guess Im just saying to make very sure before you leave. If you love her and think there is any hope at all, stay. By the way when I ask my husband how we are going to fix things with us, he says one day at a time. Thats all I ever get from him. I can most definitely relate to your story. Hang in there.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

What fight have you been having for 15 years?

Have you asked her what she made her happy in the marriage prior to learning that you were unhappy? If it seems that what she lists consists of the benefits of cohabitation (social, economic benefits) rather than relational benefits, I'd ask her if those are the primary reasons she married you in the first place or did at one time passion and interest in you as a person were a part of the equation. If so, can she understand why you feel that you are only reaping partial benefits of marriage these days? 

Marriage is a whole relationship. Afterall, that is why we pledge our exclusivity. We expect to have certain needs met within the relationship -- not every need, but certain ones at a certain level. At one time you had those needs met in that way and presumably she did as well. Did her needs change? Were you missing during critical points in her life (like early in child-rearing) and she learned to meet those needs in other ways and now has no idea how to make her way back to you or if she even wants to?

If she is unhappy now because she realizes you are not happy, does she plan on living in this now unhappy situation or does she have any thoughts to the future? She's living day-to-day as a means of coping and avoidance. And this IMO is a cop-out because it makes you the bad guy if you leave, and the bad guy if you push her somewhere she is uncomfortable. But an untended marriage will go away eventually and she'll have to accept that her inaction IS action. She's choosing inaction. That's something she will have to admit responsibility for. And that will be difficult for her because she's got this scheme in place (whether or not she's conscious of it) so that she can blame you for everything that's wrong or not right.

So in the end, I'd just tell her how deliberate inaction and avoidance is an action, and that she's as responsible for the outcome of the marriage as you are. And if she elects passivity, she will have little if any say in how things go and while she can feel free to blame you for it, she knows in her heart that her inaction makes her just as responsible for the demise of the relationship as your action. And anyone looking in from the outside knows it, too. (Nothing like imagined peer pressure.) So she can be the architect of her future or not. That is up to her.

And then go about making yourself as happy as you can given the way things are. Eventually you'll decide to stay or go based on your needs and your values. But you being happy isn't going to harm things, one bit unless you are a jerk about it. If she takes your happiness as an indication that things are better in the marriage, she will be mistaken. And then she'll probably end up surprised. But it won't be like you didn't tell her the plan...


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