# Moving Close to In Laws House or Parents House or Somewhere Else?



## water123 (Apr 9, 2014)

I'm in a tough bind when thinking about where to live with my wife. To give you some background, my wife and I currently live in a very high cost of living area in the Northeast. I lost my job a couple of months ago and am going to engage in an entrepreneurial venture which may consist of me making a modest / average level of income for the next 5 years or so ($40 - $50k). Previously, I had a very high paying job which allowed me to completely pay off my wife's medical school loans upon our marriage.

My wife works in the medical arena and so her job is agnostic to location, she can work anywhere in the USA. My new entrepreneurial venture is also agnostic to location as well. As we think about where to live there are a couple of options. My in-laws live in the Southeast area of the United States in a very reasonable cost of living area. They have just moved in to a new house around 45 miles away from their old house. They do not want to sell or rent out their old house for emotional reasons. One option is to live there.

Another option is to live in a generally low cost of living area such as in Austin, TX. We don't have family or friends there but the tax rate is low (no state income taxes), cost of living is very reasonable, and I know some people who live there who like it.

The third option is to live in the same state as my parents on the West Coast. There it is a higher cost of living area.

As I think about pros and cons for each options they are the following. In terms of living with near my in-laws, they are generally very nice and have agreed to let us not pay rent. I think that the financial dynamics of living there is the major advantage. This would allow us to save more money and for me to invest more allowing us to be able to accumulate wealth more rapidly (my entrepreneurial venture is an investing entity). An advantage for my wife is that it would let her be close to her family. The negative is that my parents hate her parents and have indicated that they would never visit me (could be a real threat). During our wedding, there was a massive disagreement between our parents and the bad blood has persisted since then. My parents have also indicated, that should we have kids in a few years then her my wife's mom would play a big part in taking care of the kids and that is something my mom would feel like she would be missing out on my life in a big way. The other negative is that her dad sometimes asks for a lot of help from me when we're there on random stuff. I would hope that this wouldn't continue and I would be able to focus on my work even though we are living rent free in their old house (I'd rather pay for rent somewhere else than dilute my attention and focus on my own business; however there is the potential to set boundaries with my parents in law and tell them I won't be helping them out M-F 9-5 or so). In addition, there's all the normal favoritism that my wife gets from her parents. Not sure if this is petty, but my father in law didn't introduce me to a neighbor at his new house when I was standing right next to my wife and he introduced my wife. In addition, he joked (not sure if it was a joke, although my wife insists it was), that I could have other jobs besides just my entrepreneurial venture to supplement my income. I did not appreciate that comment at all. I think my entrepreneurial venture could potentially be very asymmetric and be very valuable down the line with limited up front investment today. The investment essentially comes in the form of except foregoing some income today.

The pros and cons with a place like Austin, TX is that I would have complete independence from my parents in law and not have to deal with any interpersonal relationship issues. The other pro is that it's a low cost of living area. The cons are that we would have to pay rent (although we can afford to do so), my wife wouldn't be close to her parents, and when we eventually have kids a couple of years from now we won't have a support system of parents and will have to pay for expensive childcare. I am highly confident we can afford all this due to my wife's job. She's in the medical field and earns a moderate to high income that will get better over time. At some point (5-10 years from now) my income might also be very large but it will likely be smaller in the short term (next 5 years).

The pros and cons of moving close to my parents are the following. The major pro is that it will be easier for me to build my business as most of my contacts are in this state. However, my wife does point out that I could fly here for weeks at a time even if we lived in another state. The other pro is that when we do have kids, my parents could potentially watch them. The cons are that my parents can sometimes be emotionally abusive. What do I mean by this? My parents sometimes can put me down in a very severe manner leading me to have low self-esteem when they don't get their way (e.g. when I told them that I was thinking about moving into my parents in law old house). Telling me I might fail in life, fail at my entrepreneurial venture, I'm going down the tubes, etc. It takes a toll on me. In addition, my parents strongly dislike my wife (and they've mentioned more than once that I could get a divorce from her; I love my wife more than anyone else in the world and would never imagine doing this ever) and it could potentially create strains down the road given their relationship. In addition, my wife has indicated given my mom's extreme degree of religiousness, that she would hesitate letting my mom watch the kids. Of course, they are my parents at the end of the day and my family also is here (relatives plus sister), and so I have a slight inclination to want to be in this state.

Sorry for the long post! Happy to clarify or elaborate on any of these points. I'm at a critical juncture on a major decision in my life and would highly appreciate any thoughts on how to think about this decision. Thanks in advance for any thoughts!


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Your parents seem toxic. They do not like your wife - a doctor!!!! - and dislike your inlaws, for something that in the grand scheme of things was probably petty. They are also emotionally blackmailing you- if you move to the southeast they will refuse to visit you. Finally; If you move close to your parents it will be hard on your wife.

I've heard great things about Austin. But no family support there- when you guys start to have kids you will want family around.

That leaves the southeast, near the inlaws. Their house rent free sounds appealing. And it can always be temporary as your business gets going. You have family support when you start to have kids. I would let the breach of etiquette slight on the introduction slide. What projects does your FIL ask you to help with? As family it's not unreasonable to ask for assistance with household projects. That will be a two way street, so just smile and help out. At the expense of your business no, but when you are able to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I'm In the northeast. Mother in Florida, father 3 hours away, inlaws 2.5 hours. Close but not close enough to help out with baby at a moments notice, or if you need a babysitter for a night without a lot of advanced notice. Having family around - yours or wife's - is a huge help
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

I recommend the independence option (Austin, or wherever). 

Living with either set of parents means you are indebted to them and they will have too much of a hand in your life. Your in-laws sound a little nicer than your parents, but I think you would also tire of living with them pretty quickly.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your thought process is out of whack.
A man takes care of his own sh!t. Ignore this advice at your peril.

Relying on your inlaws for free rent: Uh, no.
Relying on your inlaws / parents for free daycare: Uh, no.

Accepting these freebies will create far more problems for you then they could ever solve.

You should be judging your parents... They want you to divorce your wife? That's enough for you to jettison them from your life. You and your wife don't need threats to your marriage, particuilarly allowing that threat to watch your future children is monumentally stupid.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Neither set of parents seem to think much of your venture. And both sound interferring. Move to Austin. You can manage to rear children without their help.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

You cannot imagine how great involved in-laws can turn out to be once you have kids. Yes, there are drawbacks, but overall it's an enormous help, stress-reliever, and money-saver. In my experience, for whatever reason it's more often the wife's family that gets involved with child-rearing. Based on your post I would choose to live near the in-laws.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I would pick Austin, based on your post. The headaches of either of the other two options outweigh the benefits. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Hicks said:


> Your thought process is out of whack.
> A man takes care of his own sh!t. Ignore this advice at your peril.
> 
> Relying on your inlaws for free rent: Uh, no.
> ...


BINGO, we have a winner! My situation was a little different, but basically the ex-in-Laws moved right next us when we were married. It was nice to have the help and child care, but I can tell you that they drove me crazy. Constant interference and needing help with this and that. It is/was so bad that my children, now older, really want nothing to do with thier grandparents if they can avoid it.

Sounds as though yours are already getting under your skin. Don't take the "free rent" deal as you will "pay" for it in some way, shape, or form.

And your parents are no better from your description. Both sound like a lose/lose senario.

You may have a little less money, but go out on your own to where the two of you may want to live.


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## water123 (Apr 9, 2014)

Thanks for all the thoughtful comments. I agree with all you guys that moving to the West close to my parents is probably not an option. When thinking about moving to the Southeast, to be clear we would not be moving in with my in-laws (I would never live in the same house with another set of parents, unless it were my house and they were living with me). They have two houses around 45 minutes apart and we would be moving to their old house and they would live in their new house. Does this at all change the opinion of people opting for the Austin option? Of course, another option is we could live in the same state as the parents in law, further away and pay for our own rent and all. We could likely increase the distance to 1.5 - 2 hours driving. Under the Austin option it would be a 4 hour flight to her parents and a 3 hour flight to my parents.

In terms of thinking about the monetary ramifications of living in Austin for 5 years vs. living rent free in Florida for 5 years, this is how I think about the decision. Assuming we were spending roughly $25,000 in rent (I think this is in the range of reasonableness), assuming I could compound this money at 15% - 20% a year (this is by no means guaranteed, but I think I have a decent shot of doing this, and I think over a longer time frame, say a 10 year period, I have an excellent shot of doing this), I would basically be $250k dollars richer in 5 years by saving that money and investing it instead of paying it to my landlord. While I agree that if I was completely agnostic to money then Austin would almost be a no brainer, but right now I'm not given that my wife is just starting out her career and while we have a reasonable amount of savings in the bank, I'm starting a hedge fund and the more money we invest in that entity ourselves the more money we'll make and that's the primary source of earnings from my income for the next couple of years. Hopefully I can then put up good numbers and attract more and more outside investors. For the people voting for Austin, does this at all change your calculus? The way I think about having an extra $250k 5 years from now is that it could either produce an incremental $50k of tax advantaged income (this would be taxed at 18.9% long term capital gain instead of at the ordinary tax rate of perhaps 35%, so is worth more than just having $50k of pre-tax ordinary income from a job). Or alternatively, if we continued to reinvest the money in another 5 years it would turn into around $600k. That's not too shabby to have that extra money lying around while I'm still under 40. Would appreciate any thoughts around this analysis.

Openminded, I agree that none of the set of parents seem to think much of my venture. That being said, some very sophisticated investors with a lot of money have a lot of confidence in my venture and have agreed to invest quite reasonable sums of money (a very smart investor who has around double digit millions of cash has agreed to invest a couple hundred thousand in my venture to start, with more to come later on). I have a reasonable degree of confidence that it could work, and most importantly my wife is on board and supportive. Furthermore, choosing this options gives my unlimited independence and makes me very happy. Even if I continue to make $50k a year and this grows, on average, 15% a year, my wife is perfectly fine with that outcome. Given that we're not big spenders, I'm fine with that outcome too. At the end of the day, I would rather make moderate income doing something I love than make the big bucks and not enjoy my job.


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## water123 (Apr 9, 2014)

Of course the above analysis also excludes the benefits from potentially free child care here and there. That would make the money saved and invested potentially much larger. We plan to have kids in 2-3 years.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Forget about living in the in-laws house for free. Most of us (I'd say 99%) have to pay to live somewhere. Why give up your independence just to save a few bucks? Not worth it in my opinion. Besides, paying for housing will force you to work harder at your business and get it up and cranking out income.

Definitely do NOT move near your parents. They sound toxic and your marriage will pay the price.

I vote for paying your own way as you go, like everybody else does.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Never ever live in a house owned by parents or in laws. Whether you pay rent or not. Trust me on this.


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## krebszaoyad (Apr 9, 2014)

A man takes care of his own sh!t. Ignore this advice at your peril.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I still feel Austin is your best bet. It may take awhile to see results from your venture. In the meantime, you have two sets of parents who aren't exactly thrilled. Your FIL was definitely not kidding with his comment. Distance is better.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Never ever live with, or in a house owned by inlaws, and most definitely not for free. There will be a cost, just not monetary.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

What will your in laws extract from your life, your happiness, your marriage for this $250K?

Usually it involves them telling you how to live, how to raise your kids, telling your wife all the things you (husband) are doing wrong.

How valuable is a successful marriage? Far more than $250K.


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