# The First Blow



## ddxx (Jan 19, 2012)

I am completely perplexed with life, and thus, is why I am here. 

Let me start off with history:
I'm 22, she's 19. Obviously our marriage is very young - 10 months to be exact. We met online two or so years ago, and we immediately latched ourselves to each other. We both have similar backgrounds - family non-existent, wanting more out of life, BIG dreams and goals. When I left my house, I went through periods of problems up here, even living in my car for a few months during the winter (while going to school / work). In April of last year it came to a stopping point - Either I moved back south or we move in together. She claimed the only way it'd be acceptable to her side of things was to get married. Being the naive kid I was, I went through with it. We are now living together, overall - 'happy'.

THE GOOD:
The good is, we love each other. We care immensely about each other. We are both healthy, good looking, bright, individuals with our entire future apart. We *do not* have kids, and we do not own much assets / money at all. We have some fun together, we both are productive - I work 40+ hours a week, and study a lot, she does a good job cleaning, and a decent job making meals and such. Although, I feel like she could be doing a much better job with the time that she has, she has been improving lately. We have no debt, no animals, nothing. We both dont smoke, don't drink, don't have any bad vices.

THE BAD:
The bad is the obvious reason why I'm here. Our dreams have drastically changed. Our biggest conflict is within religion. She has traveled down a path that I will not follow. An almost cult-like religion, involving issues such as : "music hurts my chakras." I don't believe in _____ or _____. You can only be positive towards things. I dont care about _____ or _____. She prays ('mantra's) more than 60 minutes a day, sometimes in the range of 2-3 hours. It is a very annoying sound to me. Every single thing she does is represented by this movement. Me, on the other hand, has traveled in the opposite direction - anti-religion.

I am very much consumed in my politics, economics, and philosophy studies, and often when I try to incorporate her, she will have none of it. We used to be able to discuss hours on end things of this nature, but now it's simply 'not in her religion,' and when she does discuss these things it has to do with what some lord is visioning and not with logic and reason. 

Her with her religion, and me with my politics/economic studies result in a perpetual war of interests. 


Moving on, she is also very clingy. When I get home from work, she is there, right there. Kissing, hugging, holding, loving. Sure - I love the love, don't get me wrong, but not after dealing with people for 8-9-10 hours. I've found that I don't get the same interest in being around her in the sexual manner anymore. Sure, there's times, but not as often, and with her clingyness it is a constant issue that turns into problem. She is also very emotional, and crying is something that occurs every other day.

Finally, in recent months, I've decided that I can't stand living in a city. My job is all around the states, so I could essentially promote myself anywhere I wanted, and that is my plan coming early 2013. She wants to stay right here for family/church reasons. 

My perspective:
When I look at things, I wish I could go back in time and enforce her to move in with me without marriage. It would be a lot easier than it is now to continue to give things a try. Right now I almost feel trapped. I've deleted facebook, left all my friends, I dont hang out with anyone really (personal choice - I'm a loner, I admit it.), and it has caused me to really feel lonely minus her. She is always around me 24/7 when I am not working. I look at post here about people having new adventures after divorce and seeing how productive they are now. I think about how I am the only one making a living currently and what I'd do with the extra income of being single again. Before our marriage I never knew I could live independently, I always had my dad put a roof over my head, or felt the need of a second person to help pay rent. Now that I see I can pay for myself, I feel rather confident with life. On the other hand, I may never get another woman in life who does the things she does for me. I am a very strange person with strange views (as is she) and if we were to seperate, I don't think I'd re-marry ever again. When I married her, I felt she was the only one for me, and if it didn't work out, I'd be a loner. Everytime I think about seperating I get this fear of being alone. I have been independent nearly all my life since my mom passed away. I've gone through stages of great happiness, and some small passages of depression when I had nothing. The lonely depression is what I fear. I am easy to get a long with, but my wife currently is the best companion, friend, lover, I've ever had. 

Conclusion: I don't know what to do. If we separate now, it'd be easy and harmless. We both would mutually accept it based off of destruction of our dreams. She could live elsewhere, I'd live in my apartment and that would be that. We'd mutually agree to settle it.
If we try to stick it out and continue to fight, fight fight, it could be years before we come to a conclusion. We would thus lose time, money, and the best years of our lives. Also, the more time we are together, the harsher a possible separation would be. 

Is the time to strike now? Or is fighting for a possible only loved one worth the risk?

:scratchhead:


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Religion is either a marriage killer or saver. I know everyone here wont agree with me but I think if you had a child to both fix your attention on, the religion, philosophies may start to disappear. 
Is her religion just to stave off her boredom. Why dont you name it.


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## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

^^
I would think a child is only going to exacerbate a couple's religious differences when it comes to how to raise that child.


OP, you sound very wise and mature for your age.


I feel you as in these kind of relationships are the toughest to break. It's easier to walk away from a cheater, an abuser or someone you do not get along with and fight constantly.

But you have become attached to what is essentially a very good person who did nothing wrong. 

But as you say, "Our dreams have drastically changed. Our biggest conflict is within religion. She has traveled down a path that I will not follow."

I think you realize the marriage was hastily done and what your best course is.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

My husband and I went through these differences when he first moved in - he was the one meditating every day for sometimes two hours, and I was the clingy one. I took an interest, though and we both meditate together (although not for as long). We compromised.

As far as not being able to discuss things with her - what religion forbids that? Also, isn't crying/clinginess considered negative energy to her? 

All that aside, you have a tough choice. With her age it would be easy to presume this could be a phase and wait for her to grow out of it. It could be years. Are you willing to accept the fact that this may never happen though?

Relationships like this can work, but there has to be a lot of mutual compassion and respect. I'm not saying it's easy, but a relationship like this can develop your character and people skills - which, if you're into politics, would be helpful.

I wouldn't give up just yet, your marriage is young, you both are young and there is a lot of room to grow together.

I'm very curious now as to what her religion is? It sounds Eastern, and if so, she should know that many Eastern religions discuss and acknowledge politics, violence, negativity and hell, even music! If she is indeed in a cult, there may not be much you can do - it's brain-washing and can be dangerous. I would hate to think she'd end up under a sheet after drinking the "magical" kool-aide... :/

Also curious - when you exchanged vows was it traditional or non-traditional? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ddxx (Jan 19, 2012)

Thanks for the replies. 

To answer the question - It's a new age religion. Connects all the major religions into one. It's not so much that she will not have a conversation on issues, it's just that when we do converse on an issue, it results in something dealing with religion. It's like talking to a wall for me. 

I would agree that we are both young and reckless. I am constantly changing in my ways, and sometimes it's best for me to let things be for a while to see how it turns out. I plan on discussing some issues with her however, which will likely end up negative. I just need to push some buttons, see what happens right now.

I'm not interested in a child at the moment with the current issues. I have always been debt-free, easy-going, and a child would essentially enslave me to her. I have many options in life right now, which is the main reason I'm asking myself these questions here.



> I feel you as in these kind of relationships are the toughest to break. It's easier to walk away from a cheater, an abuser or someone you do not get along with and fight constantly.


Certainly. Ever moment I contemplate things, a feeling of fear follows for what I may regret. 



> I think you realize the marriage was hastily done and what your best course is.


I feel this may be the end of it in the long run, but I will not go down without a few debates with her! 



> Also curious - when you exchanged vows was it traditional or non-traditional?


We got married in city-hall, didn't participate in vows.


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## ddxx (Jan 19, 2012)

So now things are starting to get tough. Before, it was simply an idea, now it has taking on it's own life. It is starting to drain my energy, and fire my will. 

I have not hand a chance to really debate with her things, but as times goes, my side becomes stronger and stronger. 

For instance, Saturday she spent some 4-5-6 hours at the church 'decreeing,' while Sunday she is obviously there for an equal amount of time. I have no problem with her spending time with her religion, but when she is not doing things towards our future in the name of 'decreeing,' it at least, irks me. Still jobless, among other necessities that she has to accomplish. 

When I came home from work Saturday she was there to greet me at the door, very happy, very pleasant, we got to talking and within 50 seconds she is explaining to me how she recruited people to the church and it has made her so excited. She follows that by picking out her clothes for church tomorrow telling me she needs certain colors to portray certain values. Meanwhile, my head is exploding, because on one hand she is being so beautiful, so loving to me, and on the other hand, I simply cannot talk to her in that mode, and it's tearing me a part. 

Also, just the other day I found out about a system online (workaway) where one can volunteer to work for a host who would give them room/food/etc. in exchange. This to me is amazing. I can travel the world, learn all different kinds of skills, help others, and work 10-20 hours a week at most? This is too good to be true. I tell her about it, she responds "So you are going to leave me here then." I respond "well... you wouldn't like to do this?" Tears start to flow, but nothing crazy, we reconcile and move on quickly to different topics.


It is becoming increasingly obvious that if I made her choose between nonstop religion and me, she would pick the former. If I made her choose between staying here and traveling the world, or moving elsewhere, she would stay here. It's not out of love that she does these things, she loves me, it's out of her system. 

The ideas and thoughts now have put a poison inside of me. Every time we talk I have these concerns in my head and I wait patiently for the moment to strike. I wait til she takes the one stop overboard that makes me comment more so than just a sigh. 

I am stuck in a win/lose vs. win/lose complex situation. My heart aches for her, but my heart wants more to this world.


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## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

^^It's ok man.

I just went through something similiar. We were engaged, and I backed off and she moved out.

I go from feeling relieved to upset.


I picked up a couple of books that helped give me some clarity.

"Are you the one for me? " - Barbara d Angelis

"Falling in love for the right reasons." - Dr Warren Clark the eharmony guy.

Both books address issues like you are describing.




> I feel this may be the end of it in the long run, but I will not go down without a few debates with her!


You definitely need to have the hard talks with her. I would not think of it as a debate or anything to win, but just honest admission of your feelings and hers.

It's the only way. One way or the other, the truth shall set you free.


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## ddxx (Jan 19, 2012)

I agree mate, thank you kindly for your words.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

accept said:


> Religion is either a marriage killer or saver. I know everyone here wont agree with me but I think if you had a child to both fix your attention on, the religion, philosophies may start to disappear.
> Is her religion just to stave off her boredom. Why dont you name it.


Dear god is this ever bad advice!!!!
Do not get her pregnant whatever you do.

Differing world views is difficult enough to overcome.
When one of those worldviews involves fundamentalism directly opposing the others worldview you're pretty much screwed.

Get out ASAP.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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