# Communication Breakdown



## numb (Jul 2, 2008)

First thank you for reading my story. I will try to keep it short and to the point. 

My H and I do not communicate well at all. We get home and its hi how are you hows your day and thats it. Nothing else rest of the night is pretty quiet. Week ends are hard because we dont do anything together. I will go out with friends while he does his karate and whatever else he does. We spend about on average 8 hours a week together. To be honest its more like we are roommates than h and w. 

We have been together 8 years married 3. No kids which I guess makes it easier. He is a very caring person, helps others, faithful, decent looking, in shape.

The issues are 1 we dont communicate. 2 we have nothing in common he is all about karate and thats it. 3 he is not a motivated individual and has no life goals. 4 we dont have much of a sex life at all. I am a successful business women, has many goals and aspirations in life. Knows what I want and enjoys living life to the fullest. I have a pretty strong personality. I love to try new things and do anything and everything. I tend to clam up when he gets upset with me rather then fighting back, which is not like me normally. I hate conflict and have noticed over the last year we are truly not a couple. Everything is mine and yours. I or me its never us or we. 

My question is how do I bring up to him that I am not happy? It sounds like this should be easy however its not since we dont communicate ever. I have mentioned before we need to do more together and he gets very defensive and goes nowhere because I will clam up and not say anything. 

Any advice is appreciated. 
Thank you again for reading


----------



## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

it is and is not easy at the same time.
Lack of communication breeds separation...and eventually separation.
You have to do it and do it ASAP. I could only advise. carefully plan out what you will say, such that its mattter of fact, NON judemental, non labeling and non confrontational.

Make a date. get the kids out of the house, get a bottle or 5 of wine and tell him you need to talk about your relationship.
Then spill the beans.. thoughout,... tel him you want him and want your marriage to be beter.. this is not about telling him what he needs to do or what is wrong... its about reconizing where you both are and hopefully supporting each other in filling the "gaps". There maybe a lot of differences...lack of "things in common". BUt through, acceptance of those difference, unconditional love anything is possible.
Communication is foundation for everything. SO even if you were to separate in the end (obviously NOT goal) you will still feel better that you both talked averything through...openly and honestly...

GO.


----------



## numb (Jul 2, 2008)

Thank you for your response.

We do not have children so we are home alone and have the time space whatever to talk. So let me be blunt this issue has been on going for a good year. He doesnt plan anything for us to do I have mentioned this before and has done nothing about it. 

How can I bring up that I feel our marriage is over and I want out? I have not been happy for a good year and a half. He belittles me, and just not the man I married. Drinks a lot which we are young I am 31 but over the drinking thing unless we go out for dinner. We have only done that 2 times the last year. I dont feel the love I felt before for him as we dont do anything together. If we are together more than 4 hours a day we fight. I got home last night he got home around 10 and instantly we were arguing. I guess its hard for me to bring up my unhappiness because he sees it so long as we are married everything is fine.

Thank you again I appreciate any and all advice.


----------



## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Well thats tough... If you have nothing left then you have nothing left.. Sound pretty far "along" as it were. 

Especially if you're that far along,,, no point in beating around the bush.. When you unload the truth on him, just do it ina  way so you're taking responsibility for your part also. At minimum this it NOT adressing the issues earlier.

If you're headed for divorce then just be matter of fact and keep moving. If you think there's a chance, still be hoenst but tell him you're open BUT there must be action immediatly!!!

i may add more later... but be open honest and non blaming... it is what it is..... you cant hide from it anyway.

good luck!! you're stronger than you think..im sure of it


----------



## numb (Jul 2, 2008)

Thank you! I appreciate it.

I think my real question is how to start the conversation so that I dont get attacked or belittled and so I can continue the conversation. I can say when he comes home, that I think we should talk, since we havent had a good conversation. Then thats where I am stuck. I know what I want to say, just how to say it so he understands where I am coming from and to see his side. A friend said I should set up a marriage counseling session however I think that might boil his blood and make him angry. 

Thoughts?


----------



## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

numb said:


> Thank you! I appreciate it.
> 
> I think my real question is how to start the conversation so that I dont get attacked or belittled and so I can continue the conversation. I can say when he comes home, that I think we should talk, since we havent had a good conversation. Then thats where I am stuck. I know what I want to say, just how to say it so he understands where I am coming from and to see his side. A friend said I should set up a marriage counseling session however I think that might boil his blood and make him angry.
> 
> Thoughts?


Don't do that "I think we should talk, preface" just sets up anxiety and defense.


"H, would you spend some time with me tonight? I have some important things I'd like to share with you"
And then get into it. Againg being careful.
You can also say first. "I need you to listen to me and not simply get mad, our future critically hinges on us being able to get through this. If you shut me out or shut me down, you may find yourself not only angry, but also alone."
Then again reassure him this is not about blame. Maybe throw in up front some things or qualties he does have. "Lower the defenses" a bit.
You can tell him at the end you want to go to counseling.
That can be joint marriage or individual "coping with separation.
The time for him pushing you away is finished. You need to be firm in what you want and what you'll do if not getting it.
For me? Main thing is his willingness to explore what that is possible....don't give him list of wants.

Of course I hope the best outcome...he seems tough


All the best

Warning; I'm no expert. This is all my opinion based on what I believe in relationship.
You may want to set up counseling for yourself regardless of this h discussion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Really fit male - early 30's - almost no sexual desire for wife = total train wreck. This is generally not fixable. 

What was his sex drive/desire for you like during your 8 years together? Was it ever high? When did it almost disappear?






numb said:


> Thank you! I appreciate it.
> 
> I think my real question is how to start the conversation so that I dont get attacked or belittled and so I can continue the conversation. I can say when he comes home, that I think we should talk, since we havent had a good conversation. Then thats where I am stuck. I know what I want to say, just how to say it so he understands where I am coming from and to see his side. A friend said I should set up a marriage counseling session however I think that might boil his blood and make him angry.
> 
> Thoughts?


----------



## numb (Jul 2, 2008)

MEM - He is 38 this year and has little sex drive. I will be 31 this year and want it more than once every 3 months. 

When we first started dating he didnt want to have sex because of his religion. After a year I told him it is important to me to be compatable that way too. He agreed, so the first time was after a year of being together. The sex was not really there through the whole 7 years although more so than it is now. He never will have it though more than once a day. I would say it declined more since we got married. Our honeymoon was nothing great in that area which I expected it more then. 

I think he feels safe now that we are married. He considers me a trophy wife and yet doesnt treat me as one. My honest feeling is he felt once we got married nothing would happen. My feelings for him are almost gone at this point though.

Thank you for your advice and help,
I am so lost never pictured this for my life.


----------



## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

numb said:


> MEM - He is 38 this year and has little sex drive. I will be 31 this year and want it more than once every 3 months.
> 
> When we first started dating he didnt want to have sex because of his religion. After a year I told him it is important to me to be compatable that way too. He agreed, so the first time was after a year of being together. The sex was not really there through the whole 7 years although more so than it is now. He never will have it though more than once a day. I would say it declined more since we got married. Our honeymoon was nothing great in that area which I expected it more then.
> 
> ...



Hi numb, 
Did you talk to him?


----------



## numb (Jul 2, 2008)

Hi Vino I didnt talk to him this week end no. 
He was not home and then last night we were home together but we were arguing and didnt want to throw that in when we were already fighting about things. 

I really need to try to talk to him though. This week end he is going away, and I was not invited to go but its ok I will be going to my parents and talking with them. They are on vacation right now.


----------



## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Well good luck.. Maybe ask him to think about some things while he's away and report back when he gets home. At least this week will give you some peace from the arguing and free time to contemplate...ponder.. you know?

Hope you have a relaxing week!


----------



## numb (Jul 2, 2008)

Update from week end away.

Husband left friday night. So I went out with one of my girl friends for dinner it was great. Got home and nice to be in my house and not feel the tension. Saturday was beautiful out went outside for a nice long walk and enjoyed my day. Sunday I went out with my family and he got home around 6pm. I came into the house he was fine. The normal how was your week end what did you do those questions and then that was it. Conversations ended. I have to be honest here and say I really didnt miss him. Is that bad? I would think if you were in a happy marriage that this would not be normal. 

I saw a post on here of Dr Husband or something like that and she wrote a note to her husband I am kind of thinking of doing something similar so its not an argument. I am just going to state my feelings and do it from my stand point that way its more me not him. 

I also found out that hes been drinking a lot more than normal so that makes me uneasy. He knows my feelings on it and why and yet does it anyways. Sees nothing wrong with it. This has been an on-going issue along with the few lies I caught him in at the begining of our marriage. Since the lies (not even that bad) but still lies I have a hard time trusting.

Any thoughts?


----------

