# I need some help.



## loveshiswife (Aug 18, 2012)

Ok everyone I have been reading these forums for about 3 months and i think there are enough smart people here to help me out. (I hope)

Long story so sit back and enjoy but its all important as to get where things are today.

Met my wife 8 years ago online we dated for 3 years and got married, Neither one of us was in great shape we both were over weight and we both accepted and love each other exactly how we were. The sex was good but it was starting to get repetitive and i expected that and was able to deal with it. 

Well we got married and 3 months into the marriage i cought her having an affair, She explained it to me that it was a one time thing and it was strictly physical. We had a few months of fighting afterwards but as I truly do love this woman i forgave her, I do mean forgave i never bring it up and at least conciously does not have any effect on how i do things. all though whenever we get into a fight or i make a comment she says she has to live with my issues since i forgave her for cheating

so about a year later my son was born. Who means the world to both of us, I could not live without him or my wife.

Im not perfect and dont claim to be, I have screwed up some of our finances but i have finally got all of that take care of. She complains about my staying power in bed and i wont lie its not what it used to be when we first started dating. However sex in our relationship is a monthly occurance and i am not fond of that, Oral sex does not happen accept one way, and yes i enjoy going down on her, i would like a little return. now i have talked to her, because i think comunication is important, She says we dont have sex because i dont last long enough for her to enjoy it, and i belive that. So i went to see a physician and told him my story, He was reluctant about putting me on any drugs because he felt it was due to lack of intimacy and when it happens it happens fast... anyways that was a year ago

Its been a year and after explaining to her what the physician said... our sex life has gone further down hill and now i have a 4 year old son and i love both my wife and my son. I would never cheat on my wife. I know that i am getting more and more angry and snaping more at her and this is due to lack of sex i know that it is getting me more and more upset all the time. It seems that she would rather do anything accept have sex with me. i was away on buisness for a week i came home and tried to have sex with her, I got the cold shoulder.

I will never cheat on my wife. I respect her and my family way to much. It seems though we have other problems and there are a lot things i would love to change i belive though this is the cause of some of our other problems.

Im not happy but i love my wife... What the hell should i do.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Start by getting in the best physical shape of your life. It'll work wonders for your performance and her attraction for you. It will also rule that out as the issue if it continues to go downhill.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Plus you rugswept her affair. That usually does not help in the long term.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

the affair did not stop


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

If you've been here that long, you know the drill. Make sure the A has ended and there is NC.

If so then start reading Married Man Sex Life and No More Mr. Nice Guy. 

As far as staying longer, your MD is correct, lack of intimacy leaves you too excited when it occurs. Practice make perfect. You can learn to hold off, it's not hard to do. Just google premature ejaculation, your find plenty of exercises to do, that will help. In a few weeks of practice you should have that conquered. 

If you need more on sexual dysfunction in the marriage, Dr. David Schnarch's book and program can be of great help, Passionate Marriage | PassionateMarriage, there is a quiz there also.

That should be plenty to work on. Good luck


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## loveshiswife (Aug 18, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> If you've been here that long, you know the drill. Make sure the A has ended and there is NC.
> I have made sure the A is done, There has been no contact in 3+ years as he has moved.
> 
> 
> ...





jfv said:


> Start by getting in the best physical shape of your life. It'll work wonders for your performance and her attraction for you. It will also rule that out as the issue if it continues to go downhill.


I think that may be part of it however i have lost 75 pounds since we got married she on the other hand as gained about 50.



jfv said:


> Plus you rugswept her affair. That usually does not help in the long term.


We Delt with the feeling at the time we did not just sweep it under the rug, We did deal with it.


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## Devin G. (Aug 17, 2012)

Have you checked the paternity of your son? the time table on things you describe seem to merit it.

I don't think your wife likes you very much; you need to try to fix that before you cheat on her. If you think it's worth the work.

Actually, if you think about it, sex is just a bodily function like going to the bathroom. No one has ever died without it.....If that is all she was there for maybe you should leave. 

But please leave before you cheat. Thats what she should have done. Cheaters have no honor.


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## loveshiswife (Aug 18, 2012)

Devin G. said:


> Have you checked the paternity of your son? the time table on things you describe seem to merit it.
> 
> I don't think your wife likes you very much; you need to try to fix that before you cheat on her. If you think it's worth the work.
> 
> ...



There is no question about the paternity of my son, He is my twin. About my wife not liking me I wonder about that sometimes. As for cheating on my wife that wont ever happen I just think anyone that cheats has no respect for themselves or their family.

If i did not think it was worth the work i would not be here.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

loveshiswife said:


> I think that may be part of it however i have lost 75 pounds since we got married she on the other hand as gained about 50.
> 
> 
> 
> We Delt with the feeling at the time we did not just sweep it under the rug, We did deal with it.


By rug sweeping I meant not giving her consequences for the affair. If you 'dealt' with it by giving her consequences what were they?


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## loveshiswife (Aug 18, 2012)

jfv said:


> By rug sweeping I meant not giving her consequences for the affair. If you 'dealt' with it by giving her consequences what were they?


you are correct there were no real consequences we just talked about it, i mean I told her she could never talk to him again. But we kept everything between us because i do not want her to feel uncomfortable.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

loveshiswife said:


> you are correct there were no real consequences we just talked about it, i mean I told her she could never talk to him again. But we kept everything between us because i do not want her to feel uncomfortable.


Sorry to say the fact that she broke her vows and you still worried about her 'comfort' was not lost on her. Even though you meant well, it caused her to lose respect for you. To reiterate, make absolutely sure that there is no ongoing affair, either with the first guy or someone new. If there is something going on be it physical or emotional, it needs to be adressed or nothing else will matter. I think you should seriously consider marriage counseling.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

She knows you'll never leave no matter what she does. You even told her this, probably not in words but by your actions.

When you have zero power in the marriage, there is no help for you. If you can't ever or will never leave your wife if she doesn't respect you like a person and husband then you're stuck with trying to get her to change.

And pray alot, it might help also, miracles do happen sometimes.

Boundaries, set them where you'll feel comfortable and talk to her (communication). Compromise on some little things that you can, on the big issues stick to your guns. If she says not gonna happen, you prepare to leave or you just live with it and stop complaining.


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## bluelaser (May 26, 2012)

loveshiswife said:


> She says we dont have sex because i dont last long enough for her to enjoy it, and i belive that.


That is complete bull crap. She is just using this as an excuse so she won't have to sleep with you. I'll bet you don't even have PE. If she was concerned about your PE she would be on your case to get it fixed or do something else in bed. She found a way to reject you while making it appear to be your problem.

From what I see you have zero power in this relationship. So the choices here are straightforward, accept a sexless marriage or leave & find someone who will give you what you need.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> *the affair did not stop*


:iagree:

To cut a long story short.

You are human and have intimacy and sexual urges that you need to be fulfilled.
She is also human and would have intimacy and sexual urges that she needs fulfilled.

The question is who is fulfilling her needs?

Maybe you could suggest both of you seeing a therapist or counsellor together and see her reaction to that.


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## loveshiswife (Aug 18, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> :iagree:
> 
> To cut a long story short.
> 
> ...


Well So i took all of your advice and decided to try and find out if she was still cheating on me or what was going on I checked evertyhing and there is no evidence of her cheating no unusual calls on her phone or text messages that i see so i am going to ask her about therapy. I just dont see her going for it.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

loveshiswife said:


> you are correct there were no real consequences we just talked about it, i mean I told her she could never talk to him again. *But we kept everything between us because i do not want her to feel uncomfortable.*


How is this workng out?

Rug swept.

Three months into the marriage and she needed the physical release yet she does not give you sex.

Since you did not have children when she cheated while still being in the honeymoon you would have been well served to cut your loses. You complicated things hugley by having children and you are paying for it now.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

bluelaser said:


> That is complete bull crap. She is just using this as an excuse so she won't have to sleep with you. I'll bet you don't even have PE. If she was concerned about your PE she would be on your case to get it fixed or do something else in bed. She found a way to reject you while making it appear to be your problem.
> 
> From what I see you have zero power in this relationship. So the choices here are straightforward, accept a sexless marriage or leave & find someone who will give you what you need.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She is not doing without sex.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

loveshiswife said:


> Well So i took all of your advice and decided to try and find out if she was still cheating on me or what was going on I checked evertyhing and there is no evidence of her cheating no unusual calls on her phone or text messages that i see so i am going to ask her about therapy. *I just dont see her going for it.*


I say you did not check everything.


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