# I'm noticing....



## marie38 (Jun 10, 2008)

Hi everyone,
I have been reading several of your stories and a lot hit home. I am noticing so many marriages suffer- for so many different reasons- it's all so confusing, and sad. I love my husband- we have been through so many things that bonded us- but that wasn't enough. What is enough? Before the affairs, I gave so much of myself, he said it wasn't enough, it was my fault according to him, though there was nothing specific about what I did that pushed him away. Now that we're working things out- I am trying so hard to make sure I am there at every turn, whatever he wants, whenever he wants, so he can't say- "it wasn't enough". I know marriage is hard, and I agree with some of your statements like "you either have respect and integrity or you don't" I have never cheated- even when there was temptation- I know I could never look at him in the eye, or myself in the mirror without guilt and shame. I can't hurt someone like that. No, I'm not an angel, and I know that I shouldn't expect people to be like me- I don't....but what the heck? In most marriages, if there is usually at least one person who is unhappy, bored, etc.... why bother? 
I loved being married! Sure, the beginning was great- the infatuation, always feeling like you're on cloud nine,etc... but I also loved when things settled in, I liked routine, working on things together, not caring if he saw my physical flaws, I like not having to be perfect and someone loving me for it- I sure as heck love him- the good and the bad. I just want him to be happy. I don't think anything I do, or have done (believe me, I've done some things outside of my comfort zone for him) will make him truly happy. He was miserable when I left(his words), now I think he's just existing now that I'm back. Is routine and comfortability so awful? Is knowing someone is there for you at the end of the day a relationship killer? My rant. Thank you for listening.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

The equation seems simple enough:

Derive happiness and satisfaction from your partner, by being the source of happiness and satisfaction to your partner. 

They all start that way - but instead of getting easier as you become familiar over time, it gets harder. Doesn't seem fair, does it?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

A winner is a loser that got up and gave it one more try.

I live by that type of thought. Marriage can get easier. I have been married for over ten years, I love my wife and things just get better and better.

Most of the time it take the two right people together. That is why I always say never settle.

draconis


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## marie38 (Jun 10, 2008)

Thanks Deejo and Draconis
Sometimes I want to throw my hands up in the air and say "waaah...it's not fair".... then I remember those words my mom always reminded me when I was a child "life's not fair- get used to it!" She was a very positive role model for me, but also a realist. I know that everything that happens is for a reason. To me, i get stronger every time I get through a tough situation. I thought marriages worked that way, too. We've been through so much together- I thought our bond was too strong and surely he would never hurt me in that way. (duh). I do think it takes the two right people together- it just stinks when you thought you had that. I might be too old to start dating again (I'm not old, just too old for the dating scene), but I did learn from being on my own for eight months last year- I am ok alone - it was actually nice for a while. I can't even imagine myself with anyone else. I haven't decided what I'm going to do yet, I'm going to a therapist to work it out. Thanks again for the encouragement!


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

don't let your husband blame you for any of this. he had an affair (s) & now mainly you are dealing with the reprecussions. YOu have to ask yourself at the end of the day - "did I try my best to save this marriage?" and if the answer is yes - then that is all that matters. Hopefully all your effort will pay off , but if for some reason it doesn't work out, you can't blame yourself. Sounds like once you were made aware of your husbands unhappiness - you did what you could to try to resolve those issues. YOu can not make your husband change - he has to want to do it for himself. As much as you try & try - you can not control his thoughts & actions. so as long as you gave it your best effort & put it all out there - no one can ask for anything more. 

I agree with you about your thought: "what is wrong with being comfortable & routine?" I agree it can get a little boring but there are many ways to add some "spark" to your relationship that involves your husband/wife & not others. 

Can't tell from your post if you are still on your own or if you are back together. sounds like you had originally feared being on your own but it maybe gave you the self confidence to know you can make it on your own (even though it is not what you had hoped for out of your marriage). I too have been seperated 2 months & am was fearful of being on my own. But am surprised how empowering it is & how wonderful it is to take care of myself again . Before I was defining myself by what I thought a good wife & mother should do - that I put aside taking care of me. It feels so great to get to "know myself" again. 
Hopefully your therapist can guide you & ask you questions to help you decide your future path.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Just remember we are aways here for you even if you just want to vent. Sometimes getting it out helps.

draconis


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## marie38 (Jun 10, 2008)

I did leave him immediately after I had proof of the affairs. I was gone and on my own for around eight months or so. It was empowering and I did learn that I am strong enough to be on my own. I have an incredible group of friends and family who were there for me emotionally. 
He came to me seemingly changed. I went back. Things were good for about six months(we were both seeing a counselor), now he's slipping back into the unsensitive, angry, person I used to know. I am trying to understand how I can make him more happy with me- but he really likes to point out my personality flaws- sooooo- I think I can give that one up! And thus- therapy for me! I am going to try to get him to come back with me. Maybe.....
Thanks again you guys!


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Chances are he never really changed at all. Most people that manipulate will change their face for a short time normally for three months or so. If he hasn't changed and keeps slipping chances are he will never be the man you want and will only seem to change for a short time to keep you there.

draconis


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Hi Marie!

You should never blame youself for your husband's actions and bad decisions. I'm learning a lot since my own separation several months ago. My husband, too, had many reasons for wanting a separation--everything was my fault. My self-esteem was at an all-time low! Then one day a good friend talked to me and put things in perspective. He said that my husband chose to do the things he did. In addition, the reasons he gave where "excuses" to justify his actions. It made me feel better and I quit blaming myself.

"You can not make another person happy. Happiness comes from within oneself", according to our marriage counselor. That helps a lot too!

There is nothing wrong with routine and comfortable either. I'm all for it! Our marriage counselor says that can be a good thing too. It's sort of a safe haven to come home to at the end of a hard day. I had rather have that then the current uncertainty that I have now.

You have friends on the forum. Just visit us anytime!


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## marie38 (Jun 10, 2008)

827Aug- thank you for the support. I do know that the more I try, it feels like running in quick sand. I have basically let go- I can only control my actions and feelings. We are trying everyday, he either loves me enough- or he doesn't. I just hope he's not here for the wrong reasons. Thanks again, Marie


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## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

Hi Marie,

I know exactly how you feel. I too have always bent over backwards for my husband and tried to make him happy. I have been always available for him emotionally, and physically and have been faithful to him despite his traveling and working away for long periods of time. I am pretty easy going and a very giving individual.

I recently figured out he was having an affair in China last year while I was lonely, missing him and holding down the fort at home, but I have no concrete evidence other than his coldness to me in bed, photo hidden in his wallet, and romantic writing on a piece of paper that wasn't about me. I did catch him sending a $200 gift card over there to her as well, and he made up an excuse. 

He has blamed me for many things, nothing is ever never his fault. Cheaters will find a reason to try to justfy their wrong doing because of their guilt. That is why he is blaming you. 

He agreed to be a better husband to me recently after I confronted him, but I am afraid he wasn't sincere and was trying to get out of a tough spot, and was appeasing me. I think if your husband isn't happy with himself, it will be hard for him to be a good partner. I think it's the same with mine. I wish you luck but it is a comfort that this forum exists and we can all be supportive to each other.

You are doing a good thing by seeking coulseling for yourself. I am doing the same thing, to try to deal with the hurt and become stronger.

Best of luck


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