# Know bad things about wife?



## 1-12-t1 (Aug 7, 2011)

would you want to know the aspects of your wife that you wouldnt like? Like one night i got to ask the things i was afraid to hear from my girlfriend. I knew she didnt have good morals and the conversation confirmed it. I ended up leaving her a little bit later. So do you really want to know everything about your wife/girlfriend? or would you rather still be happy and try to make relationship work even tho she may not be as good of a fit as you thought. And im not talkin about xboyfriend stuff but like if she cheated before on other boyfriends, maybe drugs, morals... along those lines.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Well, I'd DEFINITELY want to know if she had a criminal background, drug addiction, horrible credit, etc.


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## 1-12-t1 (Aug 7, 2011)

I think your goin another way then i wanted it to be answered. If it didnt affect you at all and it was before you, like if she had a lot of parterns, or one night stands or had an abortion, something morally that you would consider wrong would you want to know if they did it? Like i found out my ex didnt value sex at all, and i do, i do a lot. She started having sex at the age of 14 and she got caught having sex in public at the age of 14. Her mom had a lot of parterns, a LOT of partners and i dont want to date/marry a girl who thinks its okay to have a lot of partners, so i left her. I guess this is my question... Would you want to know something that would tear your relationship/marriage apart or make you second think who you are really with?


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Why on earth wouldn't you want to know these things? This is a recipe for disaster. Do you really want to give your heart to someone who does not deserve your love and devotion? Put your head in the sand and ignore red flags? Have the mother of your children be a drug addict?

Marriage is the most important relationship that you will ever have. How could you not want to know what she is like? Believe me, finding out the hard way is foolish.


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## 1-12-t1 (Aug 7, 2011)

Why wouldnt i want to know this? Because i believe everybody, male and female, have done something that their partner wouldnt like. 
The way i see it is if i didnt ask, i would still be happily in love with her, but now that i do know, i know she isnt the right person. but before i found out she was perfect. I just dont know if next relationship i should ask the things that im afraid she will admit has happend, or done.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I am not an ignorance is bliss person. I want to know. I will decide how important it is or is not.

What you do not know CAN hurt you ... badly.

You re already assuming there are bad things. Why not give them a chance to tell you the truth.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I find it amusing how many women (well guys possibly too) say they want honesty, but yet they are holding onto a fantasy of perfection. Personally I accept everybody for who they are, not what they've done. Even the best people out there make mistakes, some would argue its mistakes that build character (but I don't completely buy into that definition), however if they can't admit their mistakes I will generally hold that against someone.


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## 1-12-t1 (Aug 7, 2011)

No im not sayin that makin mistakes is bad, or you dont learn from them. Im trying to get your opinion on my side. I asked something from my girlfriend that I THINK is morally wrong. And she continued to do it. It wasnt a mistake to her, it was her morals. This thread is just to see if others would want to know something they would consider morally wrong with their partner. Like i dont believe people should share their bodies as much as they do (just my opinion, i wished i had waited till marriage, and ive only done it with 1 other girl). So should i ask in the next relationship? Its a deal breaker if i know she has slept around, but i think i want to know but i did just leave a girl who i truly loved over this...


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## 1-12-t1 (Aug 7, 2011)

that was confusing^^^^^^^^^^^^
basically i think its wrong to have sex with multiple people... I left my girlfriend because i had asked her how many partners she has had. It was 6. To me, its wrong to share your body, its how i was raised and its morally wrong to do so. Should i ask in my next relationship if i know i might have to leave her? is it better not to know?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Come on, what are you going to wait until your married then all of the sudden you find out?

My point.....this is a deal breaker for you so please be up front with your next relationship.

You are looking for something that is special to you so please be up front. It will save you some heart ache later in the relationship. Plus with out asking then you will never know if you have that something special that you seek.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

1-12-t1 said:


> would you want to know the aspects of your wife that you wouldnt like? Like one night i got to ask the things i was afraid to hear from my girlfriend. I knew she didnt have good morals and the conversation confirmed it. I ended up leaving her a little bit later. So do you really want to know everything about your wife/girlfriend? or would you rather still be happy and try to make relationship work even tho she may not be as good of a fit as you thought. And im not talkin about xboyfriend stuff but like if she cheated before on other boyfriends, maybe drugs, morals... along those lines.


The solution is to get to know the person before you form an emotional bond. Meet their friends ask about their prior relationships and discuss values. These things should come as part of getting to know a person. You really did not know your gf if you did not find out her values. You formed an emotional attachment that was doomed because it was based on a myth of perfection. She was not perfect for you and before assigning perfection get to know the person and third your heart. 

Be careful who you select. Why not pick a woman of similar religious value as you? You may find her at Sunday service or Boble study.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

If it is important to you that your beloved not have had multiple sex partners before you, then say so early in the relationship. You should have this information. Pretending that you do not want to know is foolish, because this information will come out eventually and you will be angry with her. She cannot change her past, so seek out someone who is acceptable to you.

There is nothing wrong with this, but you should be up front about your wishes and not get involved with someone who does not meet your desires. This is an emotional need, and you should not apologize for it.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

the guy said:


> Come on, what are you going to wait until your married then all of the sudden you find out?
> 
> My point.....this is a deal breaker for you so please be up front with your next relationship.
> 
> You are looking for something that is special to you so please be up front. It will save you some heart ache later in the relationship. Plus with out asking then you will never know if you have that something special that you seek.


QFT. If it's a deal breaker for you, find out early, not late. It's unfair to wait till you're emotionally invested and then ask.

Personally, I figure the things that happened in the past are history. You van learn from that history, but you can't change it. And what's happened in the past is what's made that person who they are. So the most important question is, do you love the person your partner is NOW. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## darksideofthemoon (Nov 17, 2010)

I think it's fine as long as you hold yourself to the same standards you hold others.


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

1-12-t1 said:


> would you want to know the aspects of your wife that you wouldnt like? Like one night i got to ask the things i was afraid to hear from my girlfriend. I knew she didnt have good morals and the conversation confirmed it. I ended up leaving her a little bit later. So do you really want to know everything about your wife/girlfriend? or would you rather still be happy and try to make relationship work even tho she may not be as good of a fit as you thought. And im not talkin about xboyfriend stuff but like if she cheated before on other boyfriends, maybe drugs, morals... along those lines.


Id hope you would take the time to know your wife before marriage. Sure, she may keep things from you, but it is possible for someone to have a past and leave it there.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

SockPuppet said:


> Id hope you would take the time to know your wife before marriage. Sure, she may keep things from you, but it is possible for someone to have a past and leave it there.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## 1-12-t1 (Aug 7, 2011)

PBear said:


> QFT. If it's a deal breaker for you, find out early, not late. It's unfair to wait till you're emotionally invested and then ask.
> 
> Personally, I figure the things that happened in the past are history. You van learn from that history, but you can't change it. And what's happened in the past is what's made that person who they are. So the most important question is, do you love the person your partner is NOW.
> 
> ...


The things that have happened are in the past. But we broke up and she had yet another partner. We were broken up but morally its disgusting to me. But thank you all for your response. And its good to know i shouldnt feel guilty for feeling like this.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Do you mean know facts about them or some kind of hidden value system? Because I don't care about their history. On the other hand if they were covering up that they were secretly harboring a desire to be a serial killer cannibal clown I'd like to think I picked up on that.


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## rikithemonk (Jun 8, 2011)

No, not really. What would be the point? I picked a woman who I knew I could trust not to make life affectingly bad decisions. I know that if she does some minor bit of random nastiness, it wont affect me. I chose well, so she can do as she likes with my blessing. The minor day to day choices that she makes aren't really a concern to me. 

Your question is basically about secrets, which is unfair. Humans have secrets. We all have things that we have done that were not proud of, or that we keep from our spouses because we think they would not approve. What your basically asking is "Would I like a peak into her secret diary." While I admit that it would be intriguing, I don't think its right. Privacy and reasonable secrets should be a human right.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Catherine602 said:


> The solution is to get to know the person before you form an emotional bond. Meet their friends ask about their prior relationships and discuss values. These things should come as part of getting to know a person. You really did not know your gf if you did not find out her values. You formed an emotional attachment that was doomed because it was based on a myth of perfection. She was not perfect for you and before assigning perfection get to know the person and third your heart.
> 
> Be careful who you select. Why not pick a woman of similar religious value as you? You may find her at Sunday service or Boble study.


:iagree: I like the "Boble" Study Catherine. 

Here is the hard question... Study your heart .... is this more about* insecurities *or *Judgement* one can not get past?? 

Personally, I am the type of person that that would want to KNOW ALL. But for me, this just wouldn't be a threat. It matters most what you have *NOW*, where you are in love NOW. The majority of us make some sexual mistakes in our youth. I was even a little naughty with a neigbor boy but we did not go all the way. 


Me & my husband married as virgins (yes, this is precious) but I am guilty of entertaining ideas that I WISh he had a prior experience with an Older woman who could have taught him something when he was younger --so we would have had a more exciting sex life in our youth- we were so darn vanilla, it was just a shame. These are just thoughts of coarse, easy for me to say as this did not happen- but one of us could have used MORE creativity in the bedroom. And I know I would have never rejected him -over that -or he reject me -if I had a prior encounter, though he would have felt a little sad , he did say that. 

That would have fallen further down the scale of importance- for us. 

My son is a 20 yr old virgin, we talk pretty openly. A few yrs ago, he would always say ''I will ONLY marry a virgin, and I used to challenge him a little ....... like WHAT IF... you meet this beautiful woman who you share so much in common with, fits you like a glove *BUT*.... lets's say she had a prior experience or 2, wasn't a christian at that time, would you throw her away- placing virginity above ALL else, above your laughter together, your joy, your shared dreams , your goals ? 


I told him she may be very remorseful that she didn't wait, she may even be HURT that it would hurt him, but at the same time--she may FEAR telling him the truth because he will CUT her off /total deal breaker. IN desperation she may even be TEMPTED to lie over having her heart ripped out & have him leave, feeling she could live with "the lie". This is simply NO good. My son has changed in his thinking on this, he tells me he is NOT as ridgid now, it is not a dealbreaker. It was due to a thread on here accually- that I shared with him , explaining that very scenario >>> 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ifes-sexual-past-lies-about-being-virgin.html

Truth always AND being able to forgive another's past..... Both are needed for a healthy thriving relationship. 

Yes, best to not get "emotionally attached" if you KNOW you harber these dealbreakers . If this close to your heart, this needs to be "on the table" very very EARLY in a relationship & part ways. 

If is your life, you are entitled to your own dealbreakers. We all have some. Just opening up another perspective, you can reject this as well. Ultimately it is our lives, we know what we can accept & what we can not accept, you can weed them out any way you choose. 

BUT.... Love isn't that easy to come by --if you weed out ALL of the non-virgins, you will likely have a scant supply of women to choose from-and even more as you get older ! ..... and you risk splitting your own heart in 2 being focused on this issue and let the best thing(s) that MIGHT have ever happened to you slip through your fingers ----or without "overcoming" here, allowing her to curl up in silent shame , feeling like dirtied goods to the man she believed loved her with his whole heart. 

Noone wants to feel like that. 

Just my thoughts.


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