# Two months after finding out



## coconutlime (Nov 24, 2010)

My husband of only 9 months had an affair two months ago with a friend of mine. He and I have worked things out. I really have forgiven him completely. Most days, even if i think about it, it doesn't bother me and I can quickly think about something else. I had a dream the other night he cheated on me a second time and since then I can't stop thinking about the real incident. Part of the affair included e-mails. Bits and pieces of them repeat over and over in my head on random days and today was one of them. My mind went back to the day I found out and I feel that all over again. The pain, the complete feeling of betrayal, anger, etc. These days don't happen often but when they do, my husband thinks that we will never get over it. He thinks that me having random sad days means we will never move on. i tell him it's not true. he's the love of my life and I want nothing more than to be married to him for the rest of our lives. He made a mistake and I forgave him. I was just wondering if these random days are normal. Will they get "lighter?" I've already been crying for an hour and I just had a great valentine's day dinner with my husband. Tired of being sad. Any suggestions?


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## baldmale (Dec 29, 2010)

Healing is a process, not a destination. You are only 2 months from discovery so I would be shocked if you didn't have recurring thoughts still. If you read around here most folks say about 2 years is the time for recovery from such a traumatic event, so I think you definitely have some more work cut out for you.

You say you have forgiven your H, but what has he done to earn that? And what is he doing to restore safety for you in the relationship? 

Necessary steps:

1) End ALL contact with OW. FOREVER. This means the end of your friendship with her too (obviously).

2) He should be totally transparent with you about everything. He is entitled to privacy (close the bathroom door) but not secrecy. That means you should have full access to his phone, call/message logs, email passwords, etc etc etc. Also, he should be accountable for his whereabouts at all times to you. You are now the relationship cop constantly watching him and checking up on him until his actions consistently demonstrate over time that you can begin easing up on the monitoring a bit. 

3) He must be 100% committed to working on the marriage. That means figuring out the roles each of you played in the marriage that led to the place where he strayed, and repairing them. The Emotional Needs Questionnaire on marriagebuilders website would be a good starting place. Plus, I would recommend reading books together; Not _Just Friends_ is a really good one that comes to mind. The point of all this is not to get back to how your marriage was before, after all that's what led to the affair. The goal is to make your marriage better and stronger than it has ever been. Until all the work is done in this step, you _will_ be haunted by dreams and nasty thoughts, and your H is right that you probably never will just _get over it_. 

How could you?


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## valeriedp (Feb 13, 2011)

I have the same thoughts. Some days just driving brings everything back, other days hearing a song about cheating, or seeing something on tv. All the emails run through my head too, so i know how tough it is. I found out 5 months ago. the best advice I got was every time you have those thoughts in your head, tell your self something like "I am a wonderful person" It helps out a lot


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

I know the feeling. We're about 7.5 months out, much progress having been made. But, sometimes the most random things can cause similar flashbacks and moments of anxiety. Believe it or not, one of the most difficult things for me along those lines is for us to still watch House...the storyline with Taub's marriage falling apart has been tough to watch.

All you can do is what all of us do who are in the situation of rebuilding a marriage and trust after infidelity: take it one day at a time, and making a point of not only noticing those things that bother you, but also demonstrations of improvement in the relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

u didnt say what kind u found out. PA or EA?

wow, u r the forgiving type. we need more like u in this world.

did he "bonk" yer friend? she still "your friend?"

etc, etc.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

baldmale said:


> Healing is a process, not a destination.


AMEN.

I would give yourself a little more time to determine if you have forgiven him, than 2 months.

The answer to your question about " will they get lighter" is yes.

You need to understand where this feeling is coming from. You are moarning a loss. It isnt so much the act of sex or romantic feelings to someone else, as much as it is the loss of trust. Just like losing a parent, you will be deeply hurt for a while, but it will get better with time. 

There will be things, for the rest of your life that will make you think about it. These are called Triggers. A song, a phrase, a time of year that you found out... nothing you can really do about that. I have posted a few times about this, but I will say it again for you... Before this happened, you were married to a person whom you believed was not capable of such a thing. Now, you know he is capable. That changes everything and you cant "unlearn" that. This is where acceptance comes in.

To truely forgive, you are going to have realize that your new life will include these circumstances. He will also have to understand that.

is he commited to the relationship now?


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## thetwoofus (Feb 17, 2011)

Hi im a guy going through the same thing

I love my wife and have forgiven but as you say we do have bad days when it hurts. Its hard because we made a pact that we we will deal with it together.We have no option as nobody else knows about the affair. But l believe if you have a bad day your partner needs to know.Short term pain for long term gain l say
good luck
a husband going through hard times


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