# OM's side of the story?



## brettyboo (May 5, 2018)

Hi All,

Do you reckon it ever helps to hear the OM's side of the story?

I understand all focus should be on the WW, but does it ever help for the BH to know what the OM thinks, especially because he will be seen at various times in the future?


Thanks for your thoughts.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

NO !!!!!

The absolute defining characteristic of every betrayed spouse event is the need for the betrayed to know "everything" to the last absolute detail. This VERY VERY VERY rarely
is something that is ever satisfied in the mind of the betrayed. It would be world's easier on yourself to accept this dynamic. Even if you have every last detail your mind will
always wonder if there is anything else left unsaid....even if there was not.

Don't do it ...... probably just filled with lies anyway.

On another note: Doing that will make it look like some kind of forgiveness and portray you as weak. That is not what you want at all.

This never works out like you think it will. Just don't do it.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Probably not. In general.

There might be rare cases where this might be a good idea, but not very often.

Why do you need to know?


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

As a woman, I would not want the OW coming to our counseling sessions to give her opinion....... unless she's paying.

I would be interested in the OW's opinion because I am curious like that. But I think the most authentic sources of her opinion would come from written messages that were made when she thought I would never see them.

I saw the messaging from my husband's "special friend." Definitely someone who always wanted to compare herself favorably.


----------



## user_zero (Aug 30, 2013)

OM/OW are people who actively engaged in deceptive/destructive behavior. their interests are their priority .... not your interest. if you go to OM/OW for information (their side of story) you'll need a third source to confirm their stories. and if you have access to such source, why not go that source in the first place.... hmmm.

honestly every time I hear someone says they wanna ask OM/OW some questions, my thinking is that either they are naive or just looking for drama/pain/misery.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

The OM HAS NO "SIDE". The only "sides" there are mine and my wife's.

The OM better figure out what his "side" is when he talks to his wife.....and I am going to make damned sure that conversation happens.

Oh...and BTW.... if this ever happens again in my life, I'm not going to give a rat's a$$ what her "side" is, either. She didn't screw some other guy because she cared about my "side".


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

YES!

In my case I did speak with OM1 and it was worthwhile.

The conversation was interrupted, so we never got to the main question, but it was informative in that...

OM1 was giving reasons why he was working so closely with my W.

OM1 talked about a coworker of ours at that who serial cheats on his W, and OM1 was careful to tell me how bad it was.

OM1 talked about his health issues.

In the end more data is better data. And the pieces I got added up to someone looking for an excuse and a way out of retaliation.

Oh and having spoken with OM1 and my W knows I did I can claim he told me details she did not, and also ask her what she hasn't told me.

The OM and WW typically tell a different set of lies which you can leverage to get the truth. You will never have the whole truth, but can get the major events. Things like Anal yes/no or that she gave him $500 which was never repaid etc.

Tamat


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

The only side the OM has is that "your marriage" is meaningless to him, the reason the wife wants to cheat is not his problem, and there are 10 men in line behind him. Think of it like so called "doe day" during deer hunting season. There are more than one hunter waiting for her to walk into a clearing. A future OM inherently knows the woman's interest in exploring the excitement of stepping out is more important than her marriage. In no way am I implying that the betrayed husband's prior actions didn't contribute to her willingness to seek other interest. Many times that's the case.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

brettyboo said:


> Do you reckon it ever helps to hear the OM's side of the story?


Do you think he's going to actually admit to you that for some men, married women are considered the safest to screw around with because they won't demand too much of a commitment or too much of their time, or show up on their front porch wanting to move in together and/or get married? Over the years I've heard a *lot* of guys talk about married women being the ultimate choice for commitment-free sex on the side.

Even if you did contact him, he's not about to tell you the truth, which will ultimately make him look like even more of a scumbag.

And lastly, no matter how much your wife swears on your own kid's lives that she cut all contact with him on D-Day, if you think for ONE SINGLE SECOND that she didn't get in touch with him after D-Day so they could get their stories straight, you'd be very* wrong.*


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I can tell you the OM's side of things right now - cheap and easy NSA poon. 

That's it. There really isn't any more to it from the OM's POV.

OM was in the market for NSA sex and the WW was DTF, that's really all there is to that.

If you want extra details like which motel or which parking lot they were hooking up in I suppose you can always ask, but all it's going to do is further confirm the WW is cheating. 

What it comes down to is do you want to know if your W had an affair or do you want to know what motel room she did it in and what positions and acts she performed?


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

brettyboo said:


> Hi All,
> 
> Do you reckon it ever helps to hear the OM's side of the story?
> 
> ...


*The OM (or OW)are usually no more than willing participants in infidelity largely due to either their raging hormones, and/or denial of marital relations on their own homefront!

Not only are they usually stealth in their maneuvers, they also become very adept at lying and deception in order to foster their extracurricular activities!

And greatly provided that carelessness sets in, they are their own worst enemies and their picture can easily be found in Webster's under the word, "dumbass" or "cheater" or "prevaricator!"*


----------



## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

brettyboo said:


> Hi All,
> 
> Do you reckon it ever helps to hear the OM's side of the story?
> 
> ...


Its hard to say what you'd get out of it if she has admitted to screwing him. I don't really have any use for the OM's side of things, do I? Its all dirty details at that point. It comes down to whether you can stomach reconciling with a backstabbing monster or its simply game over.

Unless your WW was saying there were no certain sex acts that would be a definate deal breaker for you, then it may be useful to have a conversation with OM. But that would be after exhausting all efforts to uncover the truth yourself. That's why you never confront until you have the dirty, otherwise its just a bunch of he said/she said mess.


----------



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I really think it depends. I am not a person who paints everyone with the same brush. I do not think every OM/OW set out to specifically hurt you or for that matter even your marriage. Mainly because some OM/OW only knows what they have been told.
Yes, there are some real POSs out there, who make it their mission to seduce another's H or W. You will never get the truth from someone like that.
OTOH, there are some people who have been lied to and never knew the real story. I do think hearing that side of the story could be beneficial. To hear whatever lies your cheating spouse told, could be very informative and allow one to understand the depth (or lack of) who they are dealing with and why. I think it could help one to realize how much better off they are in NOT removing this person from their life.
I think it is important to understand why and how the affair happened before you decide if or if not to hear from the OM/OW or not. They may have been just as duped as you were.


----------



## Robbie1234 (Feb 8, 2017)

When my ex wife cheated for the second time with her boss I went nuclear. I packed all her belongings and brought them to her parents house. I went over to her bosses house with photos of them together and proof that they were sharing a room and gave them to his wife. 
I had not told my wife I was doing this. She was in a hotel with the pos.The next day the **** hit the fan and the om asked me by text could he talk with me to clear up any" misunderstanding". 
I didn't answer and he turned up at my door. I kicked him in the balls so hard that he started crying. Then I kicked him off my property. Then his wife kicked him out. 
He got a lot of kicks from screwing my ex but not quite the ones he expected.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

In the history of the universe I'm willing to bet that there have been maybe 5 OM that were "duped" into sincerely believing that the WW was single. 

Sure maybe a ONS from the bar where a guy never asked if she was married and never had any intentions of ever seeing her again, but as far as an ongoing affair, I don't think it really happens that a WW has a single guy convinced she is single and that he is duped into thinking it's a legit relationship.

Dudes that hook up with married women, do so intentionally and with forethought in order to score tail without having to deal with all the other relationship stuff. 

Now perhaps I'm being a little too jaded in saying that only 5 men in the history of the universe have been duped. I'm willing to bump that number up to 8 or 9 but I doubt if it's much more than that.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> Now perhaps I'm being a little too jaded in saying that only 5 men in the history of the universe have been duped. I'm willing to bump that number up to 8 or 9 but I doubt if it's much more than that.


Perhaps I'm still being too harsh and my numbers throughout the universe are still a bit to small.

The green Orion slave girls are known to be particularly devious and deceptive and the males from Reigel 7 are inordinately naive so those two planets may skew the numbers a bit.

But here on Earth, very few men have ever been duped into an ongoing affair with married women.

Guys that screw married women do so by choice and design.


----------



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> In the history of the universe I'm willing to bet that there have been maybe 5 OM that were "duped" into sincerely believing that the WW was single.
> 
> Sure maybe a ONS from the bar where a guy never asked if she was married and never had any intentions of ever seeing her again, but as far as an ongoing affair, I don't think it really happens that a WW has a single guy convinced she is single and that he is duped into thinking it's a legit relationship.
> 
> ...


No one said anyone was duped into thinking anyone was single. So nice straw man argument there. Anyways, many men and women have been duped into thinking the AP's marriage was over, was ending, was in process, the other spouse was abusive or had abandoned them, or even that the affair was permitted. So perhaps you are being to jaded when you paint everyone (except for the 8 or 9) with the same brush regardless of knowing their stories or not. I am not saying all, I am saying some. And for that reason, to answer the OP's question, it depends on the why.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Scenario one.Married woman in bar and is approached by hot guy looking for some fun.”I’m separated from my husband” she says,”we still live together until the divorce is final”.OK says hot guy let’s go back to my place.
Scenario two.Married man in bar approaches hot woman and starts talking.”I’m separated from my wife,we are still living together until the divorce”. “Nice try” says hot woman “go home to your wife”.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

brettyboo said:


> Hi All,
> 
> Do you reckon it ever helps to hear the OM's side of the story?
> 
> ...


What's he going to say that would help you?

Tell you your wife is awful? You don't know that already?

From your two posts you are in for a world of hurt, you have no idea what you are setting yourself up for. 

Dump them both and have a better life.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I briefly spoke to the OW. A total waste of time and energy.


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

It would be hard to understand the OM's story with a broken jaw and my foot on his neck, but I'd probably listen.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

brettyboo said:


> Hi All,
> 
> Do you reckon it ever helps to hear the OM's side of the story?
> 
> ...


I think that it all depends on you and your relationship with your SO. What is it that you would hope to learn? Would you like to be able to put a face to the person that wrecked your marriage? (So if you ever see them again, near your SO, should you reconcile you will recognize them?) Would you like to personally see what seemed so special to your SO that they were willing to destroy their marriage to you? 

Can you believe anything this person would tell you....probably not. 

I would not expect to reason with them or for them to be reasonable. But if you can control your temper (and it really is your SO that you should be angry at) then maybe you might gain some insights. Just be careful and only meet in a very public place so that you can walk out, should you feel the need to.

Good Luck.


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

What is so common however is that the betrayed spouse gets a minimized account of what happened and goes on for years or decades in a marginalized marriage little better than the one during the affair.

The WW adapts, but never gets over the guilt and this keeps her from loving her BH completely, but neither is she willing to give the self emptying confession which might free her.

Talking with the OM while it might not provide all the answers you need will provide somethings and I think should be done prior to a polygraph.


----------



## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> In the history of the universe I'm willing to bet that there have been maybe 5 OM that were "duped" into sincerely believing that the WW was single.
> 
> Sure maybe a ONS from the bar where a guy never asked if she was married and never had any intentions of ever seeing her again, but as far as an ongoing affair, I don't think it really happens that a WW has a single guy convinced she is single and that he is duped into thinking it's a legit relationship.
> 
> ...


Respectfully. I know better.
Know how many married women run around all hours of day and night. Husbands don't care as long as they can play video games, or watch tv, until they find out their wife is screwing some else?
They don't act like married women when they do that and, unless they volunteer the info, you have no clue.
Even lie but get them to talking and they slip up.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

OK obviously I was grossly exaggerating and being tongue-in-cheek to make a point. 

Sure there are MW that go to bars and don't wear neon signs that say they are married and pick up some dude for a night. 9 times out of 10 the lucky dude of the night doesn't even ask, he just counts his lucky stars that he's getting some and it doesn't matter if she's married or not. 

I am talking about actual ongoing affairs. If a guy is having an actual affair with a married woman, he knows she's married and is good with that. He may lie and say he didn't know, but he did. 


Does it happen? Of course. 


Does it happen often enough to warrant interviewing OM to see if the MW was feeding him a line of poppycock to the point he didn't know she was married? No. 

Guys that do married women are into NSA poon and like it is just sex and does not involve any other relationship stuff. I don't see any useful information to be gained. The vast vast majority of the time, the OM in question just happened to be the lucky, willing participant that she picked out of the crowd and he doesn't really have any other useful information other he was the one that got the opportunity.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I don't mean to generalize here but as long as my old lady puts out first...who cares if OM's gets my sloppy seconds? That's just how I was.
What do I really want to know from the OM.....how I taste?

At the end of the day OM is phucking another mans old lady and that puts him in POS column. ( if OM knows he is banging a married chick)

I already have a couple of strikes, I really don't need another one by asking "OM's side of the story"


Not all married women run around looking for strange. Some just want their old man, but the ones that do should be honest with everyone and never get married/commit to a relationship with a nice/safe guy. That's just wrong!


It really sucks when a spouse acts one way in front of their SO and acts completely different in front of someone else. So if your counting on some one else to affair proof your marriage other then your spouse then forget about it.


----------



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Is it ever a good idea to throw gas on a fire.


----------



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I guess it depends on what info the betrayed husband is seeking to find out. I used to be a serial cheater and during that time of my life two of the mistresses I had were indeed married. One of them pursued me very aggressively, to this day it was easily the most overtly sexual come on I have ever experienced. I was literally minding my own damn business, and in all honesty I turned down her advances multiple times before finally giving in. It was a brief fling, and she bashed her husband nonstop, it was constant. I saw them at Costco once after the fling was over and they looked like a normal happy couple to me. Would it make a difference to a betrayed husband how an affair started, especially if it was her that pursued the OM, and would the things his wife said about him make a man rethink considering reconciliation? I think it would for most...

My second married mistress is one I feel pretty bad about being with, because her husband has zero idea who he is married to. She was my mirror image, a female serial cheater, she also was a hunter, very direct, but more subtle than my first. Looking back I am sure I wasn't the only one she was seeing. She was probably a full blown love addict. She also bashed her husband, not because he was mean to her. He had moved to America to marry her, he gave up everything, and because he was from a different country the adjustment made him depressed. He missed his family and friends. She had ZERO compassion for him. Wanted him to basically get over it already. Her lies were downright brilliant. She would sign up for classes like yoga or belly dance, and after our meet ups she would literally change into whatever outfit necessary to match the lie she told. Do you really think someone like that would tell the whole truth if caught? I'd bet she would only admit to having one lover, and I bet she would never divulge that half the time she was the pursuer. I look her up on facebook from time to time, she is still married, and she says all kinds of sweet things about her husband on her page. Even had a huge post saying she loved him and was so excited he got his citizenship. After our fling ended we were friends for a while afterwards and she had three additional affairs that I know of with a few ONS thrown in as well. I doubt she will ever be caught, but if she is and its one her ONSs. She would probably just say it was a one time thing, doubt she would admit the cheating has been a constant throughout their marriage.

Armed with all of the knowledge I think some would be more inclined to leave. But hearing those details would be very painful. Those are my thoughts on it.


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

ReformedHubby said:


> She would sign up for classes like yoga or belly dance, and after our meet ups she would literally change into whatever outfit necessary to match the lie she told. D*o you really think someone like that would tell the whole truth if caught?*


 But in the same vein why would you expect an AP who ****ed your spouse and has zero loyalty to you to actually tell you the truth. Unless the AP was being lied to and wanted revenge or to set the story straight, I seriously doubt they would help the BS much, likely just intentionally exacerbate it.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

ReformedHubby said:


> she bashed her husband nonstop, it was constant.
> would the things his wife said about him make a man rethink considering reconciliation? I think it would for most...
> 
> Armed with all of the knowledge I think some would be more inclined to leave. But hearing those details would be very painful.


I agree that it would, for most. It weighed in to the attitude with which I pursued reconciliation, and it weighed in when I finally decided that reconciliation ain't gonna happen.
Of course, it wasn't a surprise, because my WW bashed me to my face as well as to her OMs.

But, she was more than ready to sit down at our table and have dinner, more than ready to light up the fireplace, more than ready to go shopping for new clothes, like Gomer says "....surprise, surprise, surprise..."....funny, none of those things were even mentioned to her OM.... no mention that she was cool in the summer, warm in the winter, got in her car and turned the key when she wanted, even to go see him.... only that I was a POS because I didn't have 23cm (great name) and the ability to hold it upright for an hour.... funny, she never bashed him to me.....


----------



## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

The emotional downside is obvious. Having a talk with a guy who was banging or trying to bang your willing wife is gonna take some intestinal fortitude.

From a motivation factor, I believe it is a great idea. First, you let your wayward know what the AP said. Either it is hurtful lies and the wayward sees that AP does not give a crap about them trying to save a marriage. Destroys fantasy land.

It is true and wayward sees that they can either fess up or go down in flames because the AP is exposing the truth. Also, cut a down on TT, pitentially.

It is a mixture of truth and lies or just different perspective and the wayward is gonna be desperate to win that credibility contest, so morepotentially. Once they are no longer the source of your info, they lose the power of superior knowledge and secrecy. In short, true or not, you got a reason to call bull**** besides your gut. Make the wayward uncertain. 

It might show you that you should end it, whether true or not. After all, once you meet and speak with the person with whom your spouse betrayed you, you may realize that you deserve better or you can't get over that betrayal or whatever. Sometimes folks need a push to do what they need to do sooner rather than slow and painfully later, and that push can be speaking to the AP. 

In short, that conversation can RIP the blinders off both the wayward or the BS. It also will freak the AP out. It's an invasion of their little world. You walk in and it sends an UNSPOKEN message that, "I can find you, I can touch you, I can do anything I want to you, and you have no idea what that may be. Are we gonna be a news story or are we just gonna talk? " In my business, criminals do that to intimidate witnesses. No threats, just a casual conversation in their safe space.


----------



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Rubix Cubed said:


> But in the same vein why would you expect an AP who ****ed your spouse and has zero loyalty to you to actually tell you the truth. Unless the AP was being lied to and wanted revenge or to set the story straight, I seriously doubt they would help the BS much, likely just intentionally exacerbate it.


I agree. In all honesty it would be rare to have an OW/OM be honest. I don't think most would want to talk about and wouldn't want to be confronted by the BS.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

bigfoot said:


> In short, that conversation can RIP the blinders off both the wayward or the BS. It also will freak the AP out. It's an invasion of their little world. You walk in and it sends an UNSPOKEN message that, "I can find you, I can touch you, I can do anything I want to you, and you have no idea what that may be. Are we gonna be a news story or are we just gonna talk? " In my business, criminals do that to intimidate witnesses. No threats, just a casual conversation in their safe space.


One possible idea which may come to the AP's mind would be enhanced if you told him how you just sighted in your .30-06 complete with sniper scope yesterday.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Just to clarify from my earlier posts, I do think it can be helpful to confront an AP and tell them to ****** off.

Most OM simply don't want the drama and inconvenience and will exit stage left once it isn't easy and fun anymore.

But I don't think you'll ever get much honest or even useful information out of them.

If anything, it may help you to realize how far gone the WW really is. 

A friend of mine confronted a dude that he thought was spending too much time around his supposed serious GF.

The OM told him to his face he was banging her and was going to continue to do so. The OM said they could fight over it if he wanted but that he was still going to hook up with even if he got his azz kicked.

My buddy realized that was a list cause and moved on to date and marry a hot blond that's a lot more squared away than his cheater X.

So I guess it that sense it was beneficial for him.


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

When I saw the movie "no country for old men" it gave me an inspiration for what to offer OM1 in exchange for the truth.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I don't think talking to the OM is likely to be useful, BUT I think understanding what people were thinking when they had an affair is useful.

Sometimes I think people don't recognize the problems in their marriages even if they have been told by their partners many times. If the OM says that they had an affair because she was feeling neglected, unloved, and had nothing but boring selfish sex for years - maybe the husband will finally recognize that what she has been saying actually means something .


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

uhtred said:


> I don't think talking to the OM is likely to be useful, BUT I think understanding what people were thinking when they had an affair is useful.
> 
> Sometimes I think people don't recognize the problems in their marriages even if they have been told by their partners many times. If the OM says that they had an affair because she was feeling neglected, unloved, and had nothing but boring selfish sex for years - maybe the husband will finally recognize that what she has been saying actually means something .


OM aren't counselors, therapists or advocates of the marriage. 

The OM is there to score some NSA tail with the least amount of effort, drama or work as possible. 

An OM will either say anything to get you to walk away or they will simply shut the door in your face.

Anything that comes out of an OM's mouth is either going to be his own agenda or an outright lie. 

The only legitimate reasons for a BH to see an OM is to kick his azz, tell him the gig is up and to ****** off or then you'll kick his azz or to pack her and her stuff up and take her to his place and say "here you go."

No other encounter with an OM will actually be beneficial.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

> OM aren't counselors, therapists or advocates of the marriage.
> 
> The OM is there to score some NSA tail with the least amount of effort, drama or work as possible.
> 
> ...


Amen to this who gives a **** what these *******s think. By the way the same could be said of the cheating wife, the both have the same agenda. 

I would be willing to talk to him if I could slowly boil him in water.


----------



## .335487 (Dec 13, 2018)

I would like to know,
Got to let the feeling go,
cold-fire, dark-rage, alone.


----------

