# Giving up/cutting down alcohol support thread



## peacem

I've done a search and cannot find any thread already started for this. 

It is not just for alcoholics or heavy drinkers, but anyone who wants to stop, cut down or just talk about alcohol issues.

*I thought we could make it a no judgement zone.*

I'll go first (hopefully I won't be talking to myself but if I am well never mind...:grin2

I have been screened for alcoholism and she said I was a heavy drinker not an alcoholic but I am definitely in the danger zone. 

I tend to be an emotional drinker, not a social drinker (hardly ever drink in public or with other people). I can go days and weeks without drinking but if I become triggered, or my anxiety rears its ugly head I do self medicate with booze. I also use it to induce sleep when I am worried. I can easily drink a bottle of wine to myself (but rarely go over that as I do have a stop button of sorts). After drinking a bottle of wine I rarely feel drunk or out of control, nor do I get hangovers - so I think I must have developed a tolerance over the years which worries me.

Rather than cutting down I have decided to just stop altogether and find a healthier way of dealing with my anxiety. Not sure what that is yet but firstly I will start to track my progress in a diary, what triggers me, how I deal with it. I want to live as long as I possibly can for my children and have more money to experience and see things that don't end at the bottom of a glass. I am watching my brother slowly drink himself to death and I cannot do anything about it - but I can do something about me.

Anyone want to join in? If not that is fine - I will track my progress as it may help or encourage someone reading.

https://www.drinkaware.co.uk/


----------



## peacem

Ok day 3 of no drinking. Stress levels have been quite high and I have had trouble sleeping for the few 2 nights. Talking my worries through with H helped a little but in honesty he is so passive he doesn't understand why I worry. Last night, however, I slept very quickly and like a baby regardless of anxiety. Maybe alcohol was making sleep worse?

Weighed myself at three days ago 147 lbs. Weight today 145lbs. 
Saved £15

Anxiety a little less this morning. Weekend will be a challenge because we traditionally drink on Friday, Saturday and usually Sunday. 

Last 1/2 bottle of wine was made into a casserole last night, we have 1/2 a bottle of JD and a whole bottle of malt whiskey (which I hate but H loves). I could give the JD away but H likes it.


----------



## farsidejunky

Before I quit, after 4+ drinks I would always wake up in the middle bathed in sweat with my heart pounding, having not had a restful sleep to that point. Sometimes the intensity of the pounding was down right scary. It happened every single time.

@peacem, I think it is freaking awesome that you are quitting. Your body will thank you later, even if you struggle now.

You can do this.

Paging @bandit.45.


----------



## uhtred

I want to congratulate you on making the effort. its a very difficult thing to do, but please keep up the effort. 

Alcoholism runs in my family, I was just fortunate enough to recognize it before I started drinking, and to never start myself. If I did start, I don't know that I'd have the strength to stop.


----------



## peacem

uhtred said:


> I want to congratulate you on making the effort. its a very difficult thing to do, but please keep up the effort.
> 
> Alcoholism runs in my family, I was just fortunate enough to recognize it before I started drinking, and to never start myself. If I did start, I don't know that I'd have the strength to stop.


Both parents of my niece are alcoholics. Last week we were in a restaurant and we were talking about hereditary diseases when she asked if that means she will become an alcoholic (she's 15). It was a difficult question to answer but it made me think I need to be a better role model for her as she seems to see me as a saint (which I'm not >). 

Strange but both my parents are tea total but all three of us are heavy drinkers - brother definitely an diagnosed alcoholic.


----------



## uhtred

Its possible your parents recognized their own risk early (like I did) and never started drinking. I think that is much easier to do than to stop once you have started.





peacem said:


> Both parents of my niece are alcoholics. Last week we were in a restaurant and we were talking about hereditary diseases when she asked if that means she will become an alcoholic (she's 15). It was a difficult question to answer but it made me think I need to be a better role model for her as she seems to see me as a saint (which I'm not >).
> 
> Strange but both my parents are tea total but all three of us are heavy drinkers - brother definitely an diagnosed alcoholic.


----------



## bandit.45

Congratulations on taking the first steps. Keeping a diary is a very good plan. I recommend AA, but only when and if you feel ready. It is a commitment. 

When you get the urge...change things up. Change your routine, clean house, go jogging, work out, get your mind and body focused together on one activity. 

A second recommendation is sex. Lots of sex to get your brain pumping seratonin and dopamine. That is what you actually crave when you crave alcohol. It's not the alcohol, but the chemicals your brain released to counteract the alcohol. Wake your husband up and fvck his brains out. Ride him like a lawnmower, often and for a long time. 

Third, talk to someone. One reason I stress AA is that you can get a sponsor who will be there to talk you through your cravings. I'm sponsoring two guys right now and they call me several times a day. That's why I'm here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## peacem

@bandit.45 - thank you. Good idea. I was going to say that sex is a lot better sober - orgasms come quicker and I can keep going with them. When I have been drinking it seems to numb everything, so although my inhibitions are lower it takes longer to get there, my imagination doesn't work the same.

Good work you do with AA. x


----------



## C3156

Grandmother, both parents, sister, and wife all alcoholics. Thank goodness most of them realized they had a problem and sought help. Congrats to you on seeking the same. Definitely seek AA when you are ready, it has helped my family. One day you may be able to pay it forward by sponsoring someone.

Not sure what my problem is, I recognized very early that drinking to drown my problems was not something I wanted to do. It was a very lonely existence. 

Keep it up and definitely ask questions. Don't be afraid to ask your husband for help by removing temptation from the house. Sure it sucks to not have a little bit around for easy use, but after a while, I don't really miss drinking anyway.


----------



## bandit.45

peacem said:


> @bandit.45 - thank you. Good idea. I was going to say that sex is a lot better sober - orgasms come quicker and I can keep going with them. When I have been drinking it seems to numb everything, so although my inhibitions are lower it takes longer to get there, my imagination doesn't work the same.
> 
> Good work you do with AA. x


Cardiovascular exercise and weightlifting seem to take the edge off for me. Have you tried yoga or crossfit? 

It's been two years since my last relapse and I've been sober since, but I still trigger often. I would say however that I am probably farther up on the scale of alcoholism than you are. 

During these sporadic episodes when you drink...do you binge? By that I mean, do you go for days guzzling all the alcohol you can find until you pass out every night? I am a binge drinker. I can go decades without drinking, but when I relapse I go full gusto binge...to the point of poisoning. I do the _Leaving Las Vegas_ burn-out binge. Awful.


----------



## SunCMars

I am from an alcoholic family. Both parents, their siblings and their friends. WWII generation.

I am one of five siblings. All became alcoholics, but me. 

Why not me? 

First and main reason? It was/is my wife who loudly laid down her law. She too saw this in her overseas family and did not want me to also..... succumb.

Second reason? Alcohol makes me sick. Thank God. I cannot physically process the stuff.

Third reason? Athletics. I love to run, bike, swim. 

Fourth reason? This could be reason number one. I leave it in fourth place. I hate fat. The thought of having a beer belly bothers me. Plus, as I age, the more I put on weight the harder it is to run. This year has been doubly hard with my weight. I am fighting a serious illness. Next year I will get back to fighting weight. 

Fifth reason? I only like beer. I do not have a beer belly or a hollow leg. I get filled up after two. Thank God.

Sixth reason? Hypocrisy. I cannot sneer at, have disgust for, regale those family members that ruined their lives, and mine by extension, for being drunks. I have since forgiven all. Alcohol is a powerful seducer. Few can stay away from it.....totally. I still drink beer. Not much, mainly to wash down pizza, steak, ribs, BBQ.

The healthy trick in life is to practice moderation. Damn easy to say, very hard to implement, consistently. Life can be hard [read suck]. People can be hard to live with, [read, they blow canal water]. Our Era and all Era's before us were hard to deal with. Unless you are a potato or a slug you cannot help but being affected by this crap. It makes you angry, depressed, all the pressures. Alcohol and drugs provide relief and escape from this. Such a bad idea.....this. The ancient Picts drank Mead. We still do. It is called Budweiser or Moosehead, my favorite.

Jason and the Argonauts drank to much wine. The Sirens took them to the sexual cleaners, turned them upside down and shook out their common sense and their instinctual fighting, righting Mantra. 

Todays Hollywood sirens are still at it. Nothing changes.


----------



## Red Sonja

Great thread!

My history with drinking is a bit strange. It started when I was very young (elementary school) at home, hiding under the table at my parents frequent “c0cktail parties”. My dad was a naval officer and these parties just seemed to be part of the culture. Anyhow, we (with siblings) would observe the adults, from our hideout under the table, and sneak drinks from the table. The adults looked like they were having a blast and those drinks were great, mostly blended daiquiri-type drinks. We thought they were yummy. Of course we usually ended up asleep under the table and when found out were scolded for not being in bed. I don’t think my parents realized we were smashed.

As a teenager I began to pay more attention to the behavior changes in the adults during the course of these parties and started to realize how stupid some of it was. I would even get not so subtle sexual advances from some of my parent’s drunken friends.  This totally put me off alcohol and that attitude lasted throughout college and young adulthood. I basically equated alcohol with being drunk and acting like an idiot.

And then, when I was around age 30 and making good money I discovered good wine. For many years I became a social drinker … a glass or two of wine when out at dinner or a party, but never more than a little buzzed, never “drunk” and no hangovers. During the last 3 years (or so) of my (horrid sexless) marriage is when I started to drink wine at home, almost every night. I remember a few times being surprised at the low level of the wine bottle and definitely went to bed beyond “buzzed” a few times.

After I left my H, this behavior continued for about 3 months. I began to notice that even if I only had one glass of wine in the evening, I was tired the next day, no hangover but definitely more tired than I should be. That scared me and I began to think that this nightly drinking I had been doing had “done something” to my liver. That maybe I was so tired the next day after one drink because my liver wasn’t functioning well enough to get rid of the alcohol/toxins fast enough. That did it for me and I quit drinking completely, I don’t buy it, don’t keep it in the house, haven’t had a glass of wine in 2 years now. Good wine is my nemesis .

I guess my story with alcohol is a story of how drinking too much can sort of creep up on you without you realizing it. I grew up in an alcohol culture so I think that is part of it too. And, you don’t necessarily have to be out in the bars and falling down drunk to be a “problem drinker”.


----------



## bandit.45

I started drinking when I was ten. I was probably a full-blown alcoholic by the time I was twelve. I stole my booze...from my dad, my grandparents, stores... I would go to this old dry goods store where the candy rack was right by the liquor. I'd steal little half-pints of Jim Beam and Wild Turkey , and shove them inside my pants and then buy a couple candy bars to hide the theft. I got away with it for a while until I got caught. The store owner was friends with my dad, so I didn't get arrested, but my dad cleaned my clock. But I still kept mooching booze wherever I could get it.


----------



## peacem

bandit.45 said:


> Cardiovascular exercise and weightlifting seem to take the edge off for me. Have you tried yoga or crossfit?
> 
> It's been two years since my last relapse and I've been sober since, but I still trigger often. I would say however that I am probably farther up on the scale of alcoholism than you are.
> 
> During these sporadic episodes when you drink...do you binge? By that I mean, do you go for days guzzling all the alcohol you can find until you pass out every night? I am a binge drinker. I can go decades without drinking, but when I relapse I go full gusto binge...to the point of poisoning. I do the _Leaving Las Vegas_ burn-out binge. Awful.


According to Drinkaware website (I track my drinking) I am a binge drinker. But the reason why I don't think I am an alcoholic is because I have a cut off of usually around a bottle of wine. I can pour half a glass of wine down the sink because I don't want to have a hangover or because I am starting to feel drunk. My problem is that I can drink a bottle of wine every night and it not touch the sides, sometimes not even drunk, just sleepy. I will gulp it rather than savor it. I have never passed out. I don't even think about drinking until 9pm when I start to worry about sleeping, or start to worry about worry :surprise:. 

Your drinking is like my brother. I went to his birthday party last year and he was so drunk by the time we arrived (7.30) he could barely remember our names. By closing time he could hardly walk and we had to practically carry him home. His wife said he does this every weekend. It was very scary to watch. I don't want to get like that.

My niece came to our house last sunday because her dad was 'sleeping off his hangover'. I thought what a waste.


----------



## farsidejunky

When my dad would go fishing on the river, he always carried a pint of Yukon Jack with him. He started giving me sips at about 6 years old. Then whenever I would ride to my aunts cabin, to the river, or the beach, it was nearly always in the back of my dads truck under his camper (Lord, would I NEVER allow my child to do that!). There was always several pints of it back there. Essentially at age 8 and 9, I would arrive at these places buzzed.

High school and the Army were one big party. I even had a bar in my room while stationed in Germany. I discovered wine with my ex wife. Then I became a "sophisticated" alcoholic. It was not unusual to drink two full bottles in a night, and I would normally buy high quality for the first bottle, and one step above jug for the second one because I knew I would drink that much.

A few years ago I discovered vodka. That stuff is pure evil; completely wrecked before you even know what hits you.

I knew when I was drinking while driving my son home from school it was time to put it down.

Other than being served alcohol by mistake twice (one sip each time), I have not had any drinks since March(ish) 2014.


----------



## 225985

I had a 6 pack on Wednesday when i found out my dad was dying. Going out to have 6 more.


----------



## bandit.45

peacem said:


> According to Drinkaware website (I track my drinking) I am a binge drinker. But the reason why I don't think I am an alcoholic is because I have a cut off of usually around a bottle of wine. I can pour half a glass of wine down the sink because I don't want to have a hangover or because I am starting to feel drunk. My problem is that I can drink a bottle of wine every night and it not touch the sides, sometimes not even drunk, just sleepy. I will gulp it rather than savor it. I have never passed out. I don't even think about drinking until 9pm when I start to worry about sleeping, or start to worry about worry :surprise:.
> 
> Your drinking is like my brother. I went to his birthday party last year and he was so drunk by the time we arrived (7.30) he could barely remember our names. By closing time he could hardly walk and we had to practically carry him home. His wife said he does this every weekend. It was very scary to watch. I don't want to get like that.
> 
> My niece came to our house last sunday because her dad was 'sleeping off his hangover'. I thought what a waste.


You cannot use your body's reaction to gauge your dependence. When I was at my worst, at around 23 y.o., I got down to the point where I never knew how much it would take to get me drunk. One day I could drink two fifth bottles of J.D. and not have a tremble. But then the next day I could drink one shot and be blitzed out of my mind. My body chemistry was so messed up that normal metabolic processes just didn't exist. 

If you drink in a sustained fashion for over several weeks, you can slowly build up a B.A.C. of 0.4% or more, which is considered poisoning range to most people who have not conditioned themselves. I was taken to the hospital once after I passed out and they could not wake me up. They did a blood test and I had a B.A.C of 0.412%. I was able to get this high by sustained heavy drinking over a period of about two weeks. I did the whole detox, hallucinating , D.T.s and everything for four days. What a joy.

I have read of people admitted to the hospital with B.A.C.s of 0.435% and higher! I believe that is what they call "pickled". That requires months of daily inebriation and slowly building up a chemical tolerance of sorts, but it only lasts as long as your liver holds out. These people usually blow their liver out in a matter of months. We have one poster here..*.Prodigal.*..who's ex-husband did just that, and she had the heartbreaking task of burying him. 

But binging to the point where you get to 0.45% is sure death. You get there and your brain basically dissolves.


----------



## tropicalbeachiwish

I applaud those of you who are cutting back on alcohol or completely cutting out alcohol. Alcohol is what brought me to TAM. My husband is an alcoholic in denial. He wants to be able to drink socially but usually is unable to stop once he starts. He has too cut back once I asked for a separation last year. Now he drinks 50% of the days and he expects me to be appreciative of that. He has been gradually getting back to his old ways and I do believe that it's a matter of time before we split. I'm not there yet though because I hang on to hope. I hate who my husband is when he's drinking. I, myself, don't drink very much and have no desire to after watching what my husband is doing for so many years. 

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


----------



## peacem

blueinbr said:


> I had a 6 pack on Wednesday when i found out my dad was dying. Going out to have 6 more.


Sorry to hear that blue :frown2:


----------



## Lukedog

Here at TAM also because of my husband's drinking and our lousy marriage. He denies it...says he doesn't have a problem...he drinks because he likes the way it makes him feel. He says I'm the one with the problem. I, too, hold out for Hope, but it's not coming.

He'll be 56 this weekend. He has drank like this for as long as I have been married to him (21 yrs this past May). His poison of choice is Vodka (w/ very little water). He's an every day drinker...at least two (but he's a heavy hand, and his two are like 6 or more at a restaurant/bar). He can go .... maybe .... two days without and then he's back at nipping the bottle again, even if its some wine....he needs something in his system. He had a heart attack last year and he is now on heart meds that only exacerbate the "drunkeness". I have seen what the prolonged drinking has done to him, his health, his sex life, his mind, his attitude. It's not pretty, and it's not comical. I'm tired of taking care of his a$$ because of it. He thinks I am just blowing it out of proportion, but he's not on the receiving end of it. 

@peacem, it's great that you have recognized that you have a problem and that you want to deal with it, and keeping a journal of your progress is a great way to track your every day thoughts, emotions, physical and mental appearance. Alcohol does affect sleep patterns, and it gets worse as you get older. Your liver has to work harder to process the toxins, and when you wake up in the middle of the night in a sweat that's your body working overtime to get rid of the poison. It affects your central nervous system, brain, cognitive thinking and motor skills. It affects your heart, liver, kidneys and pancreas. Google alcoholism and it's effects and you will find all you need to know.

Talk with your husband regularly about this. Talk to a counselor. Go to AA or Al-Anon. Find a support group. Go exercise. Keep up the excellent work!!!! Wishing you the best!!!!


----------



## peacem

I'm glad people who are married to heavy drinkers and alcoholics are speaking up with their side of the story. My SIL hardly drinks at all and I often feel sorry for her for what she puts up with regarding my brothers drinking. The day off work wasted because of recovering hangovers, never having any money, being home alone because he won't leave the pub and she got fed up of watching him get plastered....and then there was the time he turned up drunk in the car to pick her up from work. I think she is a saint.

I had 2 small glasses of wine on Saturday night which I savored - no drinking Friday or Sunday. 

I actually found drinking small amounts rather frustrating and it made me think it would be better to not bother at all. I have developed a taste for Chai latte so I'm going to calculate how much money I save on booze and buy a coffee machine. 

Savings so far £25. 
No weight loss but I have been eating a lot of chocolate.

Friday night I could NOT sleep (no alcohol in me for 4 days). Its a horrible feeling of being dog tired but not being able to switch off. In my frustration I did a search on Youtube and found some meditation type audio vids and thought I would give them a go. It worked! So I have been doing that since - hopefully it will solve the sleeping issue around drinking. 

I have also revisited Eckhart Tolle videos and have had them on in the background whilst doing chores and around the house. I have forgotten how good he is at calming my moments of anxiety. There is something about that man that just makes me think very little is worth worrying about. I don't even need to do the meditation :grin2:.

H is on board and stopped bringing wine home in an evening.


----------



## badsanta

peacem said:


> I actually found drinking small amounts rather frustrating and it made me think it would be better to not bother at all. I have developed a taste for Chai latte so I'm going to calculate how much money I save on booze and *buy a coffee machine. *
> 
> Savings so far £25.
> No weight loss but I have been eating a lot of chocolate.
> 
> Friday night I could NOT sleep (no alcohol in me for 4 days). Its a horrible feeling of being dog tired but not being able to switch off. In my frustration I did a search on Youtube and found some meditation type audio vids and thought I would give them a go. It worked! So I have been doing that since - hopefully it will solve the sleeping issue around drinking.


While alcohol is never something I have had to struggle with personally or in any of my relatives, coffee is a different thing completely. My wife and I drink way too much caffeine, and it can be surprising of how it effects you. 

If I stop drinking caffeine and have to stop for a few days, I know I am going to be in for a world of hurt while my body adjusts. Usually a headache and feeling extremely lethargic for a day or two. Then everything turns back to normal. Afterwards without paying any attention, I'll start back drinking caffeine to give myself a boost or just because something was served to me (tea or soda). I'll drink caffeinated beverages liberally and then BOOM, there is no freaking way I can sleep for about 48 hours no matter how tired I am. My wife even laughs at me for how many times I have done this. On average I get myself into the mess about once or twice a month. 

So when it comes to using caffeine, be very aware that doing that can interfere with your sleep. 

If you have a jacuzzi, drink a sports drink to increase you electrolytes, and then soak in an epson salt bath. This will help pull a lot of what is in your body out through your skin, relax you, relieve any hypertension created by the caffeine, and help you get a good nights sleep. If you find loosing weight motivating, you'll be surprised to find that a salt bath will remove a few pounds (dehydration) from you once you step out. That is why it is important to drink a sports drink before you get into one of these baths. 

Why and How to Take a Detox Bath

I've gotten to where I enjoy salt baths about once a week or more these days, and it does help me sleep!

Badsanta


----------



## bandit.45

peacem said:


> Friday night I could NOT sleep (no alcohol in me for 4 days). Its a horrible feeling of being dog tired but not being able to switch off. In my frustration I did a search on Youtube and found some meditation type audio vids and thought I would give them a go. It worked! So I have been doing that since - hopefully it will solve the sleeping issue around drinking.


BENADRYL. Take 2 Benadryls a couple hours before going to bed. Benadryl is not addictive, it will keep your sinuses open at night, and the diphenhydramine will help you reach a deep REM sleep. It can leave you groggy if you take it too late before bed, so take it mid evening around 8:00 p.m. and by 6:00 am, the next morning it will usually be metabolized and out of your system before you go to work. It works like a charm for me. 

Exercise a couple hours before bed. Do some cardio. Push-ups, sit-ups, stretching... all these will release the dopamine in your brain and help calm you down.


----------



## tropicalbeachiwish

Lukedog said:


> Here at TAM also because of my husband's drinking and our lousy marriage. He denies it...says he doesn't have a problem...he drinks because he likes the way it makes him feel. He says I'm the one with the problem. I, too, hold out for Hope, but it's not coming.
> 
> He'll be 56 this weekend. He has drank like this for as long as I have been married to him (21 yrs this past May). His poison of choice is Vodka (w/ very little water). He's an every day drinker...at least two (but he's a heavy hand, and his two are like 6 or more at a restaurant/bar). He can go .... maybe .... two days without and then he's back at nipping the bottle again, even if its some wine....he needs something in his system. He had a heart attack last year and he is now on heart meds that only exacerbate the "drunkeness". I have seen what the prolonged drinking has done to him, his health, his sex life, his mind, his attitude. It's not pretty, and it's not comical. I'm tired of taking care of his a$$ because of it. He thinks I am just blowing it out of proportion, but he's not on the receiving end of it.
> 
> @peacem, it's great that you have recognized that you have a problem and that you want to deal with it, and keeping a journal of your progress is a great way to track your every day thoughts, emotions, physical and mental appearance. Alcohol does affect sleep patterns, and it gets worse as you get older. Your liver has to work harder to process the toxins, and when you wake up in the middle of the night in a sweat that's your body working overtime to get rid of the poison. It affects your central nervous system, brain, cognitive thinking and motor skills. It affects your heart, liver, kidneys and pancreas. Google alcoholism and it's effects and you will find all you need to know.
> 
> Talk with your husband regularly about this. Talk to a counselor. Go to AA or Al-Anon. Find a support group. Go exercise. Keep up the excellent work!!!! Wishing you the best!!!!


What is it about vodka?! That's what my husband drinks. He buys huge bottles of it and mixes it with root beer (more like a splash of root beer).


----------



## peacem

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> What is it about vodka?! That's what my husband drinks. He buys huge bottles of it and mixes it with root beer (more like a splash of root beer).


Vodka drinkers worry me because I think the sole reason for drinking it is that it gets you very drunk very quickly and it doesn't smell on your breath, it can be disguised in juice - ideal for lunchtime drinkies. 

As well as having few calories, it is deceptively potent and relatively cheap. Scary drink and even more scary to think they put it in drinks that is to appeal to young people.


----------



## Herschel

This is the path my stbx is going down. She was always a drinker before, but the last year...out of control. Vodka for all those reasons and it's low in carbs. Gotta look good as you make your body and mind waste away.

I have been blessed with a stomach that has a hard time managing a lot of alcohol. If I drink too much, I wretch and vomit and blow capillaries in my eyes and the acid burns my throat and I bleed and it's not a pretty sight. Mind you, it has to be too much, not like a normal getting semi-drunk night. But it definitely keeps me from drinking often (which was an issue with my wife ironically) and over-indulging.


----------



## farsidejunky

peacem said:


> Vodka drinkers worry me because I think the sole reason for drinking it is that it gets you very drunk very quickly and it doesn't smell on your breath, it can be disguised in juice - ideal for lunchtime drinkies.
> 
> As well as having few calories, it is deceptively potent and relatively cheap. Scary drink and even more scary to think they put it in drinks that is to appeal to young people.


This is exactly why I moved to vodka, and another indicator that I had to stop.


----------



## 225985

peacem said:


> Vodka drinkers worry me because I think the sole reason for drinking it is that it gets you very drunk very quickly and it doesn't smell on your breath, it can be disguised in juice - ideal for lunchtime drinkies.
> 
> 
> 
> As well as having few calories, it is deceptively potent and relatively cheap. Scary drink and even more scary to think they put it in drinks that is to appeal to young people.




I bought alcohol saliva test strips. They also work to clearly detect vodka in any drink.


----------



## tropicalbeachiwish

@peacem 

How's the cut down going for you?


----------



## peacem

@tropicalbeachiwish Thank you for asking. Doing well! Just Saturday night 2 very weak G&Ts. I think the tonic water tricks my mind into feeling satisfied. 

Sleeping better, anxiety down, no weight loss unfortunately but I have been snacking on chocolate as a treat in the evening. I seem to be able to give up the wine but those peanut m&m's have got me good :|.


----------



## nursejackie

This is a good thread. It is very encouraging to see the success posters have had after a long hard struggle.

Blue- I am so sorry to hear about your dad. Stay strong and fall to your knees when you need to. I just finished going through the death of both my parents within a year- my heart goes out to you.

I dont know what I am. I have drank a glass of wine everyday for almost 20 years. Depending on life circumstances this glass can become quite large or can become 2. I never drink more than a half a bottle of wine as that is my cut off point for a hangover. While H and I were going through the worst of our times I added a shot of Grandmarnier occasionally to the mix. (this would be my vodka i guess) 

I can and do pour out a half glass or full glass if someone has poured it for me and I dont want it- not because i'm drunk or the threat of a hangover just because i dont want it. I have called an alcohol support place and they felt I was alcohol dependent but not an alcoholic. It has never caused me to miss work or created any problems socially, I dont feel a need to keep drinking once i start. I do feel the need to "start" each day though. Just one and done can often be enough- but always just one.

My parents didnt drink much at all but my uncle was a severe alcoholic. He drank himself out of a successful law practice and eventually died an alcohol related death. My dad told me before he died that his brother started drinking when he joined the army at a very young age-and just never stopped.


----------



## peacem

@nursejackie - you sound like me. I know my cut off, hate being drunk, hate hangovers. I rarely drink before 9pm. I do have a stop button which is kind of reassuring but at the same time I think it has lulled me into thinking my daily drinking is in control.

What bothers me is that those daily glasses added up to around 30 units - ish a week. In the UK the recommended amount for both men and women is 15 with a couple of days dry for liver to rest. I also have high cholesterol and the nurse said it could be down to the booze. 

One other niggle is that when there is no alcohol in the house I started to feel a bit tetchy. So even though I only needed a glass or two, its the fact that I needed it and craved it. I don't think I am an alcoholic but I think I do have an unhealthy relationship with the bottle. It calms my nerves and gets me to sleep. So I'm trying to find better ways of dealing with that - habit more than addiction.


----------



## 225985

Dad died. Today was funeral. On #6 right now.


----------



## peacem

blueinbr said:


> Dad died. Today was funeral. On #6 right now.


I'm sorry blue....:frown2: 

I don't usually do online hugs but I'm making an exception for you {{hug}}


----------



## peacem

blueinbr said:


> Dad died. Today was funeral. On #6 right now.


Its ok to get hammered. This is the time to have a stiff drink.

(but come back later when you are ready)


----------



## nursejackie

Blue- so sorry- go easy on yourself - life can be pretty freaking tough to handle sometimes


----------



## Satya

@peacem, sorry if it's been suggested, but have you tried melatonin 30 mins before bed? 

I get gummy melatonin, so it's like having a treat before bed. 
@blueinbr, I'm very sorry. Please don't drink a lot alone. I did it once after a really terrible ordeal and luckily my sister found me. Without her, I would not be here. Take care.


----------



## arbitrator

* @peacem ~ you are an an absolute sweetheart and a very brave lady for this very erstwhile undertaking that you have subjected yourself to!

You can, and with absolutely no doubt whatsoever, do it ~ more especially with God's loving presence and having all of your loving TAM friends standing there firmly behind you in this most noteworthy endeavor!

You and your family will be the ultimate winners in all of this!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## peacem

Satya said:


> @peacem, sorry if it's been suggested, but have you tried melatonin 30 mins before bed?
> 
> I get gummy melatonin, so it's like having a treat before bed.
> @blueinbr, I'm very sorry. Please don't drink a lot alone. I did it once after a really terrible ordeal and luckily my sister found me. Without her, I would not be here. Take care.


I'm trying to avoid that route but not totally against the idea. I am also getting to the stage where I think I should be taking medication for my anxiety. I have read that you cannot drink on anti-anxiety meds which may be what I need.

My BIL took melatonin and it made him dopey in the morning. I am currently studying for my masters degree and trying to keep my mind sharp. I know alcohol does give me brain fog at times though. What I have noticed since cutting right down is that my study skills are improving and I have been more motivated to plough through the boring stuff :nerd:. 
@arbitrator - thank you so much my friend.


----------



## Randy2

About AA and Alanon, I was the "responsible" adult child of an obviously alcoholic step-father and not so obviously alcoholic mother. If you consider AA or Alanon, remember that their 12 Steps and traditions were written in the 1950's, a very different social and religious time . Feel VERY FREE to interpret the "12 STEPS" in your own way. For me, I find support and "Higher Power" in groups of other folks- online , like all of you here at TAM and at Alanon meetings. More on this later.


----------



## peacem

@Randy2 Yes I am definitely interested in your experiences with those groups. Were you aware your parents were alcoholics as a child?

My niece recently asked me if she will be an alcoholic because her parents are and it broke my heart. She is now 15 but has been opening up to me about things she had to do for her mother from a very young age. Basically she had to be a mother to her younger sister. She also told me that it wasn't unusual from a very young (she said 7) for her to find her mother in the street or supermarket, get her home, undressed and to bed. She talks about leaving her very young sister home alone whilst she searched the street for her mum. Now she is older feels very guilty about this and doesn't fully understand why her mother (or sister) is not her responsibility. Made me cry.


----------



## peacem

@blueinbr - just checking up on you. How you doing?


----------



## farsidejunky

This is crushing... Absolutely crushing...



peacem said:


> @Randy2 Yes I am definitely interested in your experiences with those groups. Were you aware your parents were alcoholics as a child?
> 
> My niece recently asked me if she will be an alcoholic because her parents are and it broke my heart. She is now 15 but has been opening up to me about things she had to do for her mother from a very young age. Basically she had to be a mother to her younger sister. She also told me that it wasn't unusual from a very young (she said 7) for her to find her mother in the street or supermarket, get her home, undressed and to bed. She talks about leaving her very young sister home alone whilst she searched the street for her mum. Now she is older feels very guilty about this and doesn't fully understand why her mother (or sister) is not her responsibility. Made me cry.


----------



## peacem

farsidejunky said:


> This is crushing... Absolutely crushing...


Her story is actually much worse than this but not sure I'll share it as it may be triggering for some. Her mother is not a nice person sober and but alcohol makes her into the devil itself. Her father is an apathetic drunk. A good father sober, terrible when drinking (which unfortunately is most days atm). 

Not wanting to sound holier than others but the worse I get is a bit silly or very sleepy.


----------



## As'laDain

i go through phases. i drink for a week or two, every night or other night. then ill go months without. vodka is my liquor of choice since most other liquors give me heartburn. as for beer, i rarely drink the same kind twice in a row. i like to see whats out there. i just cant drink too much of it because of the carbonation. i don't even drink soda much because it hurts to burp.

oddly enough, i drink the most when i decide to exercise all day. for instance, i once killed an entire handle of vodka in twelve hours. i spent the whole day drinking and running trails. i only weigh 128...

i have actually had my BAC tested as i drank once. my body processes alcohol faster than normal.


----------



## peacem

@As'laDain I can relate to drinking after exercise. There is something about gardening all afternoon in the Summer and then feeling I have earned a few glasses of refreshing white wine. 

The good thing about beer for me is that I can literally only drink one and I get a very full feeling in my stomach. This is like the feeling I got with G&T's last weekend, the bubbles filled me up and after a couple and I thought meh. 

Another thing that my H came up with is to drink Baileys (now we are getting into the winter months here). One is enough for anyone but gives you a lovely warm feeling inside. Nobody ever got drunk on Baileys.


----------



## 225985

peacem said:


> @blueinbr - just checking up on you. How you doing?




I am ok. Thanks for checking. We are back home. It was a long week. I think i counted 18 drinks in 6 days. Probably 3 more tonight with friends then stop for a while. 

With the alcohol, stress eating, plus home cooking i gained 6 lbs. Now i have to hit the gym, eat better and stop drinking.


----------



## 225985

peacem said:


> I'm trying to avoid that route but not totally against the idea. I am also getting to the stage where I think I should be taking medication for my anxiety. I have read that you cannot drink on anti-anxiety meds which may be what I need.
> 
> 
> 
> My BIL took melatonin and it made him dopey in the morning. I am currently studying for my masters degree and trying to keep my mind sharp. I know alcohol does give me brain fog at times though. What I have noticed since cutting right down is that my study skills are improving and I have been more motivated to plough through the boring stuff :nerd:.
> 
> 
> @arbitrator - thank you so much my friend.




I take zoloft 50 mg daily for anxiety and have no interactions from drinking. But every person is different. 

Melatonin comes in 1, 3, 5 and 10 mg. Try the very lowest dosage that works for you.


----------



## peacem

blueinbr said:


> I am ok. Thanks for checking. We are back home. It was a long week. I think i counted 18 drinks in 6 days. Probably 3 more tonight with friends then stop for a while.
> 
> With the alcohol, stress eating, plus home cooking i gained 6 lbs. Now i have to hit the gym, eat better and stop drinking.


Well only 3 drinks a day - I don't think that is too bad considering your circumstances. Those calories are a great incentive to cut down. Only 1 measly calorie lost for me. I may join a gym with the money I am saving. 

Take care.


----------



## As'laDain

@peacem, i didn't drink after the exercise. i ran in the hills in California and drank vodka for twelve hours straight. by the time i got home, i was fairly sober and my feet were bleeding. most of my toenails fell off in the ensuing week. i carried several gallons of water and the vodka in a rucksack on my back. listening to music the whole time.

i did a lot of very hard running that day. it was about the time when i started to deal with some of the emotional crap from my deployment to Iraq. that day, i just felt like staying drunk and on the verge of collapsing from physical exertion.


----------



## peacem

As'laDain said:


> @peacem, i didn't drink after the exercise. i ran in the hills in California and drank vodka for twelve hours straight. by the time i got home, i was fairly sober and my feet were bleeding. most of my toenails fell off in the ensuing week. i carried several gallons of water and the vodka in a rucksack on my back. listening to music the whole time.
> 
> i did a lot of very hard running that day. it was about the time when i started to deal with some of the emotional crap from my deployment to Iraq. that day, i just felt like staying drunk and on the verge of collapsing from physical exertion.


Oh my. Sorry As'laDain I totally misunderstood. I'm hoping you are in therapy for PTSD? 

How are you now?

I began drinking daily at the time when my young boy was diagnosed with learning difficulties - he is autistic with other complex needs. He never learned to speak and can do very little for himself. He's 15 now. I remember at the time that i just couldn't cope with all those meetings and people staring at me the the school playground. Watching him at playgroup being different to all the other children.

To this day I cannot coo over babies or watch programs with babies in them.

I get scared for him when I am too old to look after him, or I die. Or even worse my H dies and I will be alone to care for his needs. I also feel guilty for my daughter who has had a very different childhood than what we planned for her. I feel permanently guilty.

It overwhelmed me

I cannot relate to your time in Iraq but I can relate to wanting to run away at times.


----------



## As'laDain

peacem said:


> Oh my. Sorry As'laDain I totally misunderstood. I'm hoping you are in therapy for PTSD?
> 
> How are you now?


im fine now. Iraq was new to me. i got there at about half passed midnight, and before i went to sleep my squad leader told me that i was going to the promotion board later that morning. i did not expect that at all. i passed the board, and was given a fire team to take care of. so, my first day leading soldiers was my first day in a combat zone. 

a few weeks before we came home, my saw gunners room mate was killed by an explosively formed projectile, a particularly nasty type of roadside bomb that cuts through absolutely everything. two others were injured. one of the injured died a few months later.  when i got to California, it was my first chance to slow down and actually think about it. i felt incredibly guilty, like i should have been more of a sergeant and less of a buddy to my saw gunners room mate. you may have seen him on a magazine, or in the news. at the time, they called him the last combat casualty of Iraq. we didn't know we would be back so soon.

even though i knew there was nothing that could have stopped that EFP(nothing stops an EFP), those thoughts still popped up. as it turned out, one of the guys in my Arabic course was a trauma counselor as a civilian. he was in the national guard. he got me talking about it. i got drunk, ran, listened to music, and just accepted it. 

my next deployment, to Afghanistan, caused me some more issues. the stuff seems to hit me several months after deployment, i emote, feel it, and then its back to normal. 

it is what it is.


----------



## peacem

As'laDain said:


> it is what it is.


Yes. You and I shouldn't feel guilty for things we have no control over. 










Amazing book.


----------



## Randy2

peacem said:


> @Randy2 Yes I am definitely interested in your experiences with those groups. Were you aware your parents were alcoholics as a child?
> 
> My niece recently asked me if she will be an alcoholic because her parents are and it broke my heart. She is now 15 but has been opening up to me about things she had to do for her mother from a very young age. Basically she had to be a mother to her younger sister. She also told me that it wasn't unusual from a very young (she said 7) for her to find her mother in the street or supermarket, get her home, undressed and to bed. She talks about leaving her very young sister home alone whilst she searched the street for her mum. Now she is older feels very guilty about this and doesn't fully understand why her mother (or sister) is not her responsibility. Made me cry.


Peacem,
It was obvious that my stepfather was alcoholic, but not obvious that Mom was. She complained about his alcoholism all the time, but "enabled" it regularly. Her father was an alcoholic. She was repeating what she grew up with. Luckily, I haven't repeated that family pattern, though 2 of my 3 brothers have repeated.
About Adult Child and Alanon groups, there's lots to read and many groups all over the world. I hesitate to say a lot beyond the fact of how it opened up and changed my life. Everyone's experience is different. The ANONYMOUS and NO CROSS TALK (aka "advice")parts of AA and Alanon are critically important as they allow people to discover what works for them and what doesn't. So it's ironically a very personal and individual journey within a supportive group context.
Go to a meeting; there's lots of them. All are free. Most appear to be non-judgmental


----------



## As'laDain

peacem said:


> Yes. You and I shouldn't feel guilty for things we have no control over.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Amazing book.


eh, my mind spends half its time in the future.

not because of anxiety or worry, however. but for anticipation. excitement. and hope.


----------



## peacem

I like that @As'laDain and I need to be a little more optimistic about the future...which is really scary for me. However, I think if you spend too much time looking forward you are at risk of wishing your life away and not appreciating the present. 

Glad you don't worry about the future, it keeps me awake at night.


----------



## As'laDain

peacem said:


> I like that @As'laDain and I need to be a little more optimistic about the future...which is really scary for me. However, I think if you spend too much time looking forward you are at risk of wishing your life away and not appreciating the present.
> 
> Glad you don't worry about the future, it keeps me awake at night.


I'm always planning something. always. it seems that every time I see something new, I am already trying to figure out how I can use it later on down the road. 

its not how I always used to think, but nowadays I see even crisis as opportunity. all life is opportunity. without it, there is neither failure nor success. without opportunity, we simply don't exist. think about what you can do with what you have. you cant do that without living in the moment, for the moment is where the opportunity is. and if you _really_ want to make the most of it, you will use each opportunity the present gives you to create the kinds of opportunities that you want for the future. 

:smile2:


----------



## peacem

As'laDain said:


> I'm always planning something. always. it seems that every time I see something new, I am already trying to figure out how I can use it later on down the road.
> 
> its not how I always used to think, but nowadays I see even crisis as opportunity. all life is opportunity. without it, there is neither failure nor success. without opportunity, we simply don't exist. think about what you can do with what you have. you cant do that without living in the moment, for the moment is where the opportunity is. and if you _really_ want to make the most of it, you will use each opportunity the present gives you to create the kinds of opportunities that you want for the future.
> 
> :smile2:


I do know what you mean - honest. I am big on lists. I make a long list of things to do and feel satisfied when I cross them off in the evening. I remember when we had major building work done on the house which I was the overseer of. It was kind of stressful yet empowering; getting things done, problem solving, thinking outside the box, watching our achievements, taking pride. It was hugely therapeutic. 

I am currently studying for a masters degree. I just finished my first assignment which has been a major headache and rather stressful (have I overreached myself?). But now it is done and sent off I feel proud of myself for not quitting (a lot on my course have dropped out already). If I get a pass I will be pleased. One down three to go. Its a satisfiction in a masochistic kind of a way. :surprise:


----------



## tropicalbeachiwish

@peacem 

Is the situation with your niece giving you motivation & incentive to cut back on the drinking?


----------



## peacem

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> @peacem
> 
> Is the situation with your niece giving you motivation & incentive to cut back on the drinking?


It is THE reason. Alongside watching my brother give up on his responsibilities while slowly drinking himself to death. It scares me - I don't want to end up like him. :frown2:


----------



## 225985

So far i am at 3 days no drink. 

Sam's Club had a REALLY good price on a 12 pack of my beer. But I put it back. I bought something for the dog instead.


----------



## farsidejunky

Good job, Blue.


----------



## bandit.45

peacem said:


> @tropicalbeachiwish Thank you for asking. Doing well! Just Saturday night 2 very weak G&Ts. I think the tonic water tricks my mind into feeling satisfied.
> 
> Sleeping better, anxiety down, no weight loss unfortunately but I have been snacking on chocolate as a treat in the evening. I seem to be able to give up the wine but those peanut m&m's have got me good :|.


Go easy on gin and tonics. Too much tonic each day can give you quinine poisoning if your liver is weak.


----------



## Rockclimber

Great thread, I see a lot of myself and my family in the responses. My grandmother was a daily black out on vodka drunk and both my parents drink heavily each night. My mother around a bottle and a half of wine and my father around 4 scotches. I was a heavy drinker for years and years but recently stopped cold turkey to save my relationship with my kids and wife. I have definitely felt the urge to drink some martinis lately, sober for 30 days and then drunk one night. It will be hard to turn down alcohol this Thanksgiving, my parents usually open up some $150 bottles of red so that is always very tempting! Just taking it one day at a time. I can drink a few beers and stop but I am really trying to go completely sober so no beers at all.


----------



## Chris Taylor

blueinbr said:


> So far i am at 3 days no drink.
> 
> Sam's Club had a REALLY good price on a 12 pack of my beer. But I put it back. I bought something for the dog instead.


What does your dog drink?

Just kidding. Keep up the good work.


----------



## 225985

Ugh. Had 5 beers yesterday. It was my birthday so friends kept buying them for me. I finally had to say no more. Had to drive home. 

Doing better tonight. Only one beer.


----------



## Personal

Happy Birthday @blueinbr.


----------



## jimrich

peacem said:


> I have been screened for alcoholism and she said I was a heavy drinker not an alcoholic but I am definitely in the danger zone.


LOL, "heavy drinker" or alcoholic - what's the difference? I bet she "drinks" so she had to stay with Denial on that one. Did she even mention WHY folks drink - heavy or light?



> I tend to be an emotional drinker, not a social drinker (hardly ever drink in public or with other people).


All drinkers are "emotional drinkers" due to unsatisfactory emotions/feelings that drinking is supposed to soothe or manage.



> I can go days and weeks without drinking but if I become triggered, or my anxiety rears its ugly head I do self medicate with booze.


Same here so I never saw myself as an alcoholic UNTIL I went too far and finally had to go for help!



> Rather than cutting down I have decided to just stop altogether and find a healthier way of dealing with my anxiety.


It took therapy and a good friend to convince me to totally stop - thank god!



> I want to live as long as I possibly can for my children


I do not have kids, but if I did, they would be the most significant reason to STOP being a miserable, dangerous alcoholic like my dad and some other drunks I know. Kids need and deserve the very best parenting/parents they can get and a drunk is not a good option.



> I am watching my brother slowly drink himself to death and I cannot do anything about it - but I can do something about me.


BRAVO!!!!

I'm so glad that I finally went for and found HELP. I no longer drink nor smoke and my triggers are less or none these days - whew! :smile2:


----------



## happy as a clam

I personally really enjoy a glass or two of wine... white in summer and red in winter. And I LOVE an ice cold craft beer on a hot summer evening.

But I haven't had a drink in over 4 months, mainly because I realized that I simply don't metabolize it well now that I'm going through menopause. I get horrible headaches, completely dehydrated, and don't sleep well at all if I even have one drink. Also, the alcohol affects me now in unpredictable ways--one glass of wine and I'm pretty well half-lit!

I still enjoy the ritual of having a drink after work, so these days I'll mix pineapple juice with club soda on the rocks. Works for me!

I don't think I'll never drink again, but at the moment I'm certainly not missing it so have no plans to imbibe.

Great thread, btw.


----------



## Personal

jimrich said:


> All drinkers are "emotional drinkers" due to unsatisfactory emotions/feelings that drinking is supposed to soothe or manage.


What utter nonsense!

I don't drink alcohol to soothe anything at all.

The only reason I drink alcohol is because I like the feeling that comes from being tipsy or drunk.

So the only times I ever drink it, is to get tipsy or drunk.

That said I don't drink very often at all. For the past 15 years (30-45) I have saved the pleasure of getting tipsy or drunk to circa once or twice a year.

While the 5 years before that (25-30) it was once every few months, and again 5 years before that (20-25) once or twice a month.

Likewise for the past 20 years, my wife drinks alcohol to get tipsy 2-3x a year and gets drunk perhaps once every 2-4 years. 

So I can assure you that not all drinkers are "emotional drinkers".


----------



## peacem

jimrich said:


> LOL, "heavy drinker" or alcoholic - what's the difference? I bet she "drinks" so she had to stay with Denial on that one. Did she even mention WHY folks drink - heavy or light?


There is a huge difference actually. I am pretty sure am not an alcoholic but I think I my drinking is unhealthy and too much. There is a checklist of signs of alcoholism that I don't fit into. I can go for a long time without drinking, never drink before 9 or think about alcohol until the evening. If we are saving for a large household item I can quite drinking for months to save money. I am currently on strong medication where I cannot drink - I would rather not drink and have the medication. An alcoholic would chose the booze. I think the biggest sign of an alcoholic is when priorities are skewed. i.e drink driving, not looking after themselves, drink over food, drink over bills being paid, not spending time with the family, risking jobs etc. Alcohol never takes priority over common sense and responsibilities for me. I think I also mentioned that I am pretty sure I am not an alcoholic because I can throw a half glass of wine down the sink because I have a cut off point where I begin to feel woozy. I don't like being drunk - I would seriously make the worst alcoholic.

I am not in denial. The fact that I went for advice means I was open to the idea of being told otherwise.




> All drinkers are "emotional drinkers" due to unsatisfactory emotions/feelings that drinking is supposed to soothe or manage.


Not at all. My husband is hugely into single malt whisky which he savors. He buys books on it and studies the flavours. He also likes real ale (cannot stand the stuff myself) because he loves the taste. 
Same here so I never saw myself as an alcoholic UNTIL I went too far and finally had to go for help!




> It took therapy and a good friend to convince me to totally stop - thank god!


So pleased for you. How long has it been?



> I do not have kids, but if I did, they would be the most significant reason to STOP being a miserable, dangerous alcoholic like my dad and some other drunks I know. Kids need and deserve the very best parenting/parents they can get and a drunk is not a good option.


I am many things but nobody could ever call me a bad parent. I don't even drink in front of them (well occasionally a glass of wine at an event). Neither of my children have seen me drunk (I don't actually get drunk - I HATE being drunk and I HATE hangovers. I am a SAHM parenting a child with severe learning difficulties. Both my children get 100% from me. I am proud of my parenting. I see how my alcoholic brother has given up on parenting in favour of being in the pub. This weekend he did not pick his daughter up because he was too drunk/hungover after a christmas party. Unthinkable to me.



> BRAVO!!!!
> 
> I'm so glad that I finally went for and found HELP. I no longer drink nor smoke and my triggers are less or none these days - whew! :smile2:


Good for you. How long?

You appear to be spamming the Relationships and Addictions board. Have you now a problem with porn?


----------



## peacem

Update on how things are going.

Sciatica and strong painkillers have meant that I have stayed off the booze and I have been happy to do so. I haven't found it to be a sacrifice at all. 

Because of back problems I have really been throwing myself into losing a stone before Christmas - and I have lost 1/2 a stone already! Probably won't make a whole stone but I will keep trying. My back feels better already.

New pay month for us and we certainly spent a lot less last month by cutting alcohol out or at least very low. I'm going to buy myself something nice for Christmas - not sure what yet.

A situation with my husbands family seems to have come to a conclusion (that didn't involve me but where I got some closure). My anxiety has been so much better to a point that I think it was this situation that had been worrying me. It was like a weight off my shoulders. Sleeping a lot better. Went and did an actual shop in an actual supermarket yesterday (which is something I haven't done in well over a year because of anxiety - I have been getting groceries delivered). I found myself cheerful and chatty with people. I deliberately went late whilst it was quiet but I think I did really well - almost enjoyed it.

I received my first assignment back for my MA and I got a good pass which was a huge relief and has made me want to focus and do better. Drinking gives me brain fog and tiredness the next day - so onwards and upwards. 

Things have been a bit awkward between me and H recently. In the past I would turn it on myself and feel frustrated or not good enough. Now I feel I can just accept things and let it all wash over me rather than ruminating. 

Christmas we will be on our own for the first time in years! And to be honest I am relieved because my sister usually brings copious amounts of wine with her and wants to stay up to the early hours drinking and catching up. So I am looking forward to a booze free Christmas - we are planning a walk in the Yorkshire dales. 

This Saturday is our family Christmas party which is in the local pub. I'm really looking forward to it but I am going to volunteer myself as chauffeur for some of the older generation. Boxing day is party at mine for my brothers family. Not sure how to handle it as he expects plenty of drinking. I may text him beforehand and explain that we are having a dry Christmas (so he can bring his own if he wants). He tends to put me off drinking rather than encouraging me. He's drunk before he arrives - every. single. year.


----------

