# Divorce and young son....torn between staying or leaving.



## AnewBeginning (Dec 27, 2011)

My H and I have been seperated for 2 months now. My son and I are staying with my dad for now. I told H I wanted a divorce. A little history he is very verbally and emotionally abusive. And over the last year he has pushed me 2x, both times our son was in my arms. The last time was worse and he drug me out of the house and threw me in the truck. 
It took me 5 months of going to IC to get the courage to leave, but now he is saying that he wants to change and wants his family back. That was great for about 2 weeks and now he is getting sick of "kissing my a$$" and unless I move back he can't change...He just wants me back there. He went to the dr and was put on depression meds and was going to MC with me but doesn't want to go this week. 

But I am torn because I never wanted a divorce! I never wanted my family torn apart. I would love nothing more for my son to have his mom and dad together, but do I sacrifice my sense of self to do so, and also do I want my son to see how he treats me and grow up to treat people like that? I am lonely and my family was over here yesterday for new years and I sat here watching my sister and her hubby sit there and he was lightly rubbing her back and they were just loving...H would never do that......ever. he isn't a loving kind of person. I am laying all the cards on the table this weekend and giving him proof that I know he is lying about still using pills and things and see if he will come clean, if not, I am done. I am just soo hurt that I feel like I am tearing my family apart! Is my son better off without his parents together?? I don't want him to be hurt by this, but then again I don't want to risk something happening to us by staying either....

I'm soo confused!


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Well what does your MC suggest. And why does he want to stop going. You dont give your ages and if you both work. 
From the information you have given us I dont think a divorce is really necessary. Make up a list of how you want him to 'behave' in the marriage. Dont make it too difficult for him. And ask if he can comply. Perhaps he should sign it. If he doesnt make sure he knows what will happen.


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## AnewBeginning (Dec 27, 2011)

accept said:


> Well what does your MC suggest. And why does he want to stop going. You dont give your ages and if you both work.
> From the information you have given us I dont think a divorce is really necessary. Make up a list of how you want him to 'behave' in the marriage. Dont make it too difficult for him. And ask if he can comply. Perhaps he should sign it. If he doesnt make sure he knows what will happen.


I am 31, he is 30 and we both work full time, he is laid off right now, which he does nothing but lay around all day. So you don't think that physical abuse is reason to leave??? I know that was the clicker for me when he grabbed a hold of me when I was holder our son and drug me down the steps and threw me in the truck and proceeded to slam the door into my legs....also threatening to kill me.....In my opinion, that is grounds for divorce. If he says he wants to change I will help, but he WILL have to change all of that if he ever wants a chance.

I have given him ultimatums before about the way he treats me and our son and he is fine for a couple weeks and goes right back the way he was before....personally I don't see a chance here, but for the sake of our son I am going to give him a shot to show me he wants to change...


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Whenever I ask the question what does you MC suggest I never get an answer. I always wonder why.


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## AnewBeginning (Dec 27, 2011)

My MC who is amazing has helped me soo much to become a stronger person. She wants me to get out, but she is also standing beside me in the efforts to try and fix things. she was impressed by his willingness the first 2x that he went with me. However she is starting to see the real him now that he is getting comfortable with her. The last time he went she wasn't very happy with the way he was acting. So she asked to see him individually and he said no. So I am going by myself tomorrow to see her. She sees how strong I have become and then when we are together how I start to lose that again because he just tears me down. 

His phone rang during our last session and he got up and said he had to take it. I saw the caller ID on it and it was his pill buddy. He came back in the room and told her that it was his mom. He forgot that he said "all right dude, I'll see you later". Complete lie, and she knew it too. She is starting to doubt his willingness to change too. I will find out more tomorrow when i see her what her feelings are about it lately.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

*She sees how strong I have become and then when we are together how I start to lose that again because he just tears me down*
As I understand you in front of her he tears you down and you lose it.
If she was a good MC she would not let this happen. Anyway why cant you hold 'your head' up in front of him.


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## AnewBeginning (Dec 27, 2011)

Accept- She did step in and say something about it. He is just that way. I can hold my head up, but when he starts arguing, there is no winning with him, so I just stop so that the fighting doesn't get worse...it is a vicious cycle, but me fighting back doesn't get me anywhere with him, until now


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## girl friday (Jan 14, 2012)

Hi, I am really sorry that you are in this situation. I too have been in a sitution where I have been in a verbally and emotionally busive relationship. If you are not very strong it is very difficult to stand up to a torrent of verbal abuse and sometimes it is easier to just accept it because they always have an answer for everything and a way of twisting everything you say. 

You need to sit down and work out what you want out of this relationship and what kind of situations are "deal breakers" for you. Everyone has different points wheere people cross their boundaries. You have to work out what yours are and communicate these to your husband.

In my opinion your child is better off not witnessing abuse of any kind. The child will grow up to believe that what he has witnessed is "normal" behaviour and they could act out what they have witnessed in their relationships in the future.

It takes a real committment from a person to make big long term changes in their behaviour. And the only person who can make these changes is him given enough time and space to do it. Give him that and get on with making your life full, rewarding and fulfilling. Who knows, you may not need him anymore once you have done that.


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## asylumspadez (Jan 17, 2012)

If he still resorts to his old self after a short period of time then that proves he hasnt and wont change. For your safety and for the safety of your son, Get out of there and stay away from him.


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