# Divorce not Final, is it too soon?



## luxnoctis

Is it really as bad as people make it seem to move in with a boyfriend when the divorce is not officially final?


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## FeministInPink

luxnoctis said:


> Is it really as bad as people make it seem to move in with a boyfriend when the divorce is not officially final?


I wouldn't recommend it. Unless the divorce process has been really long and drawn out, you may still have some stuff to work on and could use some time on your own.

It's never a good idea to jump into anything major so soon.

How long have you been with your boyfriend, and how does that fit in with your divorce/separation timeline?


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## luxnoctis

Five months. Filed divorce 6 months ago. We hadnt separated for a long time because of financial reasons.


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## MrsHolland

5 months is way too soon to move in with a new partner regardless of your divorce status. Why are you rushing? It takes a good 3 years to really know someone.

Do you have kids with your first husband?


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## FeministInPink

Yeah, that sounds way too fast to me. It sounds to me like you're jumping into this too soon. 

After 5 months, you're still in the lovey-dovey infatuation phase, which is likely intensified by coming out of a bad relationship/divorce. Like @MrsHolland said, it takes longer than 5 months to really get to know someone. I thought it was supposed to be 18 months, but I could err on the side of caution and go with 3 years.


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## FeministInPink

I'm gonna go with @MrsHolland's recommendation of 3 years:

Getting to Know Someone ?� How Long Does It Take?


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## Herschel

I certainly don't think 5 months is too fast to move in with someone. However, I think it is too fast if you just separated, which is ambiguous from what you have posted.


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## Satya

@luxnoctis , I'd suggest you live and survive alone for a time before you move in with another person, especially if your divorce isn't final yet. It's important to the healing process IMO. You may have been separated for 6 months, but that really is a short amount of time to then be moving in with another.

I hope you don't see the advice here as preachy, but rather, concern for your wellbeing.


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## Ynot

It really depends on you and your situation. Personally I don't think 5 months is too soon, especially if you go into with your eyes wide open. One of the sad things about divorces and break ups, are that we tend to focus on what caused the break up rather than why we got together in the first place. If we had chosen more carefully in the first place, whatever issue caused the break up probably would have been handled differently or never have taken place at all. IMO there is no better way to get to know some one than by living with them. As long as you are both going into "moving in together" as healthy adults, free of codependency and neediness, why not. Keep your assets from comingling, have some firm boundaries, be willing to enforce them even if it means moving out and be prepared to move on should the need arise. Having said that, I would think that you would want some alone time to focus on what you want and need before bringing some one else into your life, to whom you will defer at least a part of your self to.


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## Thor

IMHO yes it is way too soon. I've been officially divorced for 11 months, moved into my own place about 14 months ago, and we separated 22 months ago.

It took me almost a year being out of the house and on my own to feel ready to get involved with someone else. I needed to establish my own life in my own space. Only then was I ready to add in a new romantic relationship.

If you go from your current home into living with a new partner, you never have the opportunity to establish your own life under your own terms. You need to find an equilibrium based on your own needs and preferences, which you can only do when living by yourself. And, I believe you can only do it when there is no romantic or sexual relationship.

Once you have found your own equilibrium, you can then start auditioning other people to see how they fit into your life. There are many people out there who are good hearted and fine humans, but they just don't mesh well with your life. But there are people who will fit and it will feel so comfortable, easy, and natural. You can only find those people if you have first lived on your own for long enough to create your own life.

The best description I've heard is that you create a cake with your life. Then you find the person who is the icing on that cake. If they turn out to be the wrong kind of icing, you still have your cake and you try the next flavor of icing.


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## FeministInPink

Thor said:


> IMHO yes it is way too soon. I've been officially divorced for 11 months, moved into my own place about 14 months ago, and we separated 22 months ago.
> 
> It took me almost a year being out of the house and on my own to feel ready to get involved with someone else. I needed to establish my own life in my own space. Only then was I ready to add in a new romantic relationship.
> 
> If you go from your current home into living with a new partner, you never have the opportunity to establish your own life under your own terms. You need to find an equilibrium based on your own needs and preferences, which you can only do when living by yourself. And, I believe you can only do it when there is no romantic or sexual relationship.
> 
> Once you have found your own equilibrium, you can then start auditioning other people to see how they fit into your life. There are many people out there who are good hearted and fine humans, but they just don't mesh well with your life. But there are people who will fit and it will feel so comfortable, easy, and natural. You can only find those people if you have first lived on your own for long enough to create your own life.
> 
> The best description I've heard is that you create a cake with your life. Then you find the person who is the icing on that cake. If they turn out to be the wrong kind of icing, you still have your cake and you try the next flavor of icing.


All of THIS, QFT.


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## Louise McCann

DON'T DO IT. Don't move in with your rebound. Rebound relationships almost Never work out. 

I agree, wait at least after a year IMO. 1 year and you're good


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## Married but Happy

IMO, you should never move in with someone unless you've been dating them at least a year. This is true whether you're single, separated, or divorced. I don't think it matters if the divorce is final, or not - once filed, your former partner is mostly irrelevant when it comes to moving on issues.


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## chillymorn69

Sure looks bad to everyone . Like this is your affair partner.

Even if it wasn't.


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## KrisAmiss

Rules are made to be broken, baby. Follow your instincts.


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## Wolf1974

Louise McCann said:


> DON'T DO IT. Don't move in with your rebound. Rebound relationships almost Never work out.
> 
> I agree, wait at least after a year IMO. 1 year and you're good


I agree. By all means date your rebound if you must but don’t move in. When it ends it will be that much more painful


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## luxnoctis

Ynot said:


> It really depends on you and your situation. Personally I don't think 5 months is too soon, especially if you go into with your eyes wide open. One of the sad things about divorces and break ups, are that we tend to focus on what caused the break up rather than why we got together in the first place. If we had chosen more carefully in the first place, whatever issue caused the break up probably would have been handled differently or never have taken place at all. IMO there is no better way to get to know some one than by living with them. As long as you are both going into "moving in together" as healthy adults, free of codependency and neediness, why not. Keep your assets from comingling, have some firm boundaries, be willing to enforce them even if it means moving out and be prepared to move on should the need arise. Having said that, I would think that you would want some alone time to focus on what you want and need before bringing some one else into your life, to whom you will defer at least a part of your self to.


I agree. I don't think its too soon but every one says it is too soon. I wasn't expecting to meet someone who meshed pefectly with me. He and were both shocked at how well we connected. It wasn't a lovey dovey kind of thing. We connected in a way neither of us has ever connected with someone else. I never believed in "Mr. Right" but now that we've both experienced it, I get it know. There are people who are right for you and when you both know it you know it. When or if it every happens to you, you just know. That doesn't mean we will have a perfect relationship with no disagreements, but this is the best connection you can have to start navigating one. 

We both learned from our past relationships that communication is vital and we both have the same attitude of working out problems in relationships instead of ignoring them or ditching the relationship over it.


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## SunCMars

The Martian never lets go of a good women.
Never lets go of a bad one.

He holds them forever and a day.
But, that Being, he must sleep, he must snore.

And then they get away, they run away.
Oh, well, he just goes and gets another one.

And thinks it is the same one.
Same one different day.
Same one different dream.

Go get a boyfriend. Do not suffer alone.
But do not sleep tight, keep one eye-a-open.
Because when you wake, that BF may go adrift, that boyfriend done gone.
..............................................................................................................................
What you are doing now, me suspects, is moving in 'more' for financial reasons, then for love.
And you are inviting another 'trapped' situation to land your frail body done into, one trap, not from above.

Save your money, every penny possible. So that when you tire of this luster bluster, you can sneak out when he sleeps.
Sneak out and find that right looking feller with feelers. Feelers that tug hard on your heart strings.
Feelers that can make a good spaghetti dinner.


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## Diana7

Yes far too soon, you are still married to another man. Its very early days yet, leave it at least until the first marriage is over. Relationships that begin so soon rarely last, they are usually to fill a gap left by the marriage ending. 
It was 4 years for me before I felt anything like ready to date again.


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## Ynot

luxnoctis said:


> I agree. I don't think its too soon but every one says it is too soon. I wasn't expecting to meet someone who meshed pefectly with me. He and were both shocked at how well we connected. It wasn't a lovey dovey kind of thing. We connected in a way neither of us has ever connected with someone else. I never believed in "Mr. Right" but now that we've both experienced it, I get it know. There are people who are right for you and when you both know it you know it. When or if it every happens to you, you just know. That doesn't mean we will have a perfect relationship with no disagreements, but this is the best connection you can have to start navigating one.
> 
> We both learned from our past relationships that communication is vital and we both have the same attitude of working out problems in relationships instead of ignoring them or ditching the relationship over it.


For whatever reason, some people here imagine that love and relationships are a one and done deal. You go out you meet some one and you just click. Otherwise if you don't. then it was too soon. I don't understand the mindset myself. I don't know how you know what you want until you go out and discover it along with a whole bunch of things you don't want as well. I think it all goes back to the fairy tale of soul mate or something.


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## arbitrator

luxnoctis said:


> Is it really as bad as people make it seem to move in with a boyfriend when the divorce is not officially final?


*Only in divorces having custody battles. If that is the case, you and your boyfriend could be subject to being called in as potential hostile witnesses and being asked a litany of potentially embarrassing questions by both opposing counsel as well as the presiding judge!

One of them usually being, “What kind of positive and moral learning lesson, in particular, has moving in with a lover, well before the cessation of your marriage, actually taught your children?” *


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## Rick Blaine

No. You are married to someone else.


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## MrsHolland

You didn't answer the question about kids? Do you have any that live with you?


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## MovingForward

luxnoctis said:


> Is it really as bad as people make it seem to move in with a boyfriend when the divorce is not officially final?


Impossible to say as every situation is unique. Did you get a chance to spend some time alone after you physically separated and grieve the relationship or did you grieve the relationship while you were in it still and feel relieved once it ended?

It took me a good few months to stop caring what my X was doing with the POSOM, it really bothered me at first but by the time i had met my current girlfriend i had already stopped caring and if she had even tried to rub it in my face I would not have cared. Moving in together for me is not personally that big a deal as usually when dating someone for a while you usually spend majority of time together at one of your places anyway.


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## luxnoctis

Ynot said:


> For whatever reason, some people here imagine that love and relationships are a one and done deal. You go out you meet some one and you just click. Otherwise if you don't. then it was too soon. I don't understand the mindset myself. I don't know how you know what you want until you go out and discover it along with a whole bunch of things you don't want as well. I think it all goes back to the fairy tale of soul mate or something.


I've never been the kind of person to not know what I want. 

I don't feel any "gap" from my divorce that I need to fill. I'm happy to be separated. My ex husband was horrible for my mental and physical health. I was living with my mom, so I had no financial reason to move in with my boyfriend. He's emotionally stable and reliable and I wanted to be around that for myself and my boys. My mom is so similar to my ex husband, and in addition she is incredibly anxious and stresses me out. I've never felt so calm and relaxed than I do now living with my boyfriend. I've lived my life surrounded by mentally and emotionally unhealthy people and I'm done doing that.


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## luxnoctis

arbitrator said:


> *Only in divorces having custody battles. If that is the case, you and your boyfriend could be subject to being called in as potential hostile witnesses and being asked a litany of potentially embarrassing questions by both opposing counsel as well as the presiding judge!
> 
> One of them usually being, “What kind of positive and moral learning lesson, in particular, has moving in with a lover, well before the cessation of your marriage, actually taught your children?” *


My divorce is final now. We already had a settlement agreement and saw friend of the court. We were waiting for our lawyers to finish the Judgement of Divorce. So now about 2-3 weeks after living with my boyfriend the divorce is done. 

The positive lesson my children learned is stability. My 4 year old son no longer has constant fits of anger and sadness now that he has a positive father figure in his daily life. And a reliable father figure.


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## luxnoctis

MrsHolland said:


> You didn't answer the question about kids? Do you have any that live with you?


4 year old and 2 year old boys. My ex husband stresses them out and a little to my surprise, has not bothered to stay in contact with them. He takes them every other weekend but doesn't miss them or ask about them in between. He is enjoying his bachelor lifestyle.


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## luxnoctis

MovingForward said:


> Impossible to say as every situation is unique. Did you get a chance to spend some time alone after you physically separated and grieve the relationship or did you grieve the relationship while you were in it still and feel relieved once it ended?
> 
> It took me a good few months to stop caring what my X was doing with the POSOM, it really bothered me at first but by the time i had met my current girlfriend i had already stopped caring and if she had even tried to rub it in my face I would not have cared. Moving in together for me is not personally that big a deal as usually when dating someone for a while you usually spend majority of time together at one of your places anyway.


I grieved the relationship while I was still in it. Once I moved out I was relieved it was done with. I stayed with my mom for a couple of weeks, and then she rented a second apartment because her apartment was a month away from the lease ending. So I live in the second apartment for a month before she moved in. That was a nice month. I could finally parent the way I wanted to parent and my kids behavior and mood improved. Since moving in with my boyfriend my boys have improved even more. The difference is like night and day. I always knew my kids were able to behave this nicely. Their dad just had a horrible effect on them.

You brought up a great point. He and I were already spending most of our time together. He slept at my place most nights and I stayed at his the weekends I didn't have the kids. Moving in was also a way to make things easier than that constant shifting back and forth.


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## Ynot

luxnoctis said:


> I've never been the kind of person to not know what I want.
> 
> I don't feel any "gap" from my divorce that I need to fill. I'm happy to be separated. My ex husband was horrible for my mental and physical health. I was living with my mom, so I had no financial reason to move in with my boyfriend. He's emotionally stable and reliable and I wanted to be around that for myself and my boys. My mom is so similar to my ex husband, and in addition she is incredibly anxious and stresses me out. I've never felt so calm and relaxed than I do now living with my boyfriend. I've lived my life surrounded by mentally and emotionally unhealthy people and I'm done doing that.


All I can say, and I sincerely hope I am wrong is "YET". I too thought I knew what I wanted, until I realized that that was not making me happy. So, while I am happy for you, I would also advise you to not become complacent and smug, because life happens and whatever you may think you want to today may or may not be what you want tomorrow.


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## luxnoctis

Ynot said:


> All I can say, and I sincerely hope I am wrong is "YET". I too thought I knew what I wanted, until I realized that that was not making me happy. So, while I am happy for you, I would also advise you to not become complacent and smug, because life happens and whatever you may think you want to today may or may not be what you want tomorrow.


You think I will suddenly not want an emotionally stable, reliable, responsible, attractive, intelligent man? Who doesn't want that?


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## Ynot

luxnoctis said:


> You think I will suddenly not want an emotionally stable, reliable, responsible, attractive, intelligent man? Who doesn't want that?


No I am saying that what you consider to be emotionally stable, reliable, attractive, and intelligent may change. You got divorced, which meant you were married. I may be wrong, but most people think they are marrying someone who fills their desires. Apparently this one didn't. Emotionally stable may mean they lack passion. Reliable may morph into boring. Responsible can mean many things, depending on the context and whatever your needs happen to be at that time. Attractive - people age and have accidents, so the attractive man you marry may gain 100lbs or be hideously disfigured. Intelligence is another thing predicated on context and perspective. So no I am not saying you don't want what you want, but what I am saying that what you want can, will and does change over time. So don't act as if you know what you will want in the future, you only know what you want right now. And finally, there is no guarantee that the person who meets all your criteria today, will meet them tomorrow.
Smugness and arrogance are the folly of youth and inexperience.


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## Diana7

luxnoctis said:


> You think I will suddenly not want an emotionally stable, reliable, responsible, attractive, intelligent man? Who doesn't want that?



If he is all those things, then he will wait for you till you are no longer married to another man. I met my now husband when his divorce was in progress, his wife had met another man, but we didn't have sex or live together till the divorce was complete and we then married. At the moment your partner is having sex with another mans wife. Its really such a short time to wait. My husbands divorce took 8 months. We married 2 months after that.


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## luxnoctis

Ynot said:


> No I am saying that what you consider to be emotionally stable, reliable, attractive, and intelligent may change. You got divorced, which meant you were married. I may be wrong, but most people think they are marrying someone who fills their desires. Apparently this one didn't. Emotionally stable may mean they lack passion. Reliable may morph into boring. Responsible can mean many things, depending on the context and whatever your needs happen to be at that time. Attractive - people age and have accidents, so the attractive man you marry may gain 100lbs or be hideously disfigured. Intelligence is another thing predicated on context and perspective. So no I am not saying you don't want what you want, but what I am saying that what you want can, will and does change over time. So don't act as if you know what you will want in the future, you only know what you want right now. And finally, there is no guarantee that the person who meets all your criteria today, will meet them tomorrow.
> Smugness and arrogance are the folly of youth and inexperience.


You are seeing smugness and arrogance where there is none. 

Yes I was married. I was young and undiagnosed and untreated for bipolar disorder. So no, I did not pick the best partner. We also both grew into different people. Marrying under 25 years old comes with a higher rate of divorce, because our brains are still growing and we are still developing our self. 

People who are emotionally stable do not have to lack passion, nor does being reliable mean you are boring. Yes people age and can gain weight but that doesn't mean you stop being attracted to them. 

Everyone is different. Some people know what they want, some people need to have a lot of different experiences to hone in on what they want. 

You are incredibly negative. A person who is as fickle as you describe would never have a successful relationship in their lifetime. If you view someone as reliable and then find them boring, you have serious problems with yourself and shouldn't be in a relationship. If you find someone attractive and then they gain 100lbs or become disfigured and that changes ANYTHING you feel towards them, you're despicable. What you are describing is a person who couldn't maintain any relationship. Things change in life, wants change, needs change, relationships change. If you need to change your relationship with every little change in your life, there is something fundamentally wrong with you.


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## frusdil

I moved in with my husband before his divorce was final. Hadn't even filed. But his marriage was long dead, ex wife was living with another man, my husband had a couple of short relationships between his ex wife and I, and the financial settlement and custody arrangements were long sorted. It was only when we started talking about getting engaged that he filed. It was nothing but a formality, neither he or ex even went to court that day, we got an email from his lawyer lol.


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## Mr. Nail

I'm still on my first marriage, just lucky or pig headed. When I was that age I moved that fast as well. I'm much older now and I won't move that fast again. Lux, The guy sounds great, I hope it works out for you. I'm quite happy for your sons. at this age they can attach easily.


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## luxnoctis

Diana7 said:


> If he is all those things, then he will wait for you till you are no longer married to another man. I met my now husband when his divorce was in progress, his wife had met another man, but we didn't have sex or live together till the divorce was complete and we then married. At the moment your partner is having sex with another mans wife. Its really such a short time to wait. My husbands divorce took 8 months. We married 2 months after that.


I'm not religiously traditional. My partner isn't having sex with another man's wife. Thats dramatic.


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## Satya

@luxnoctis, if you're happy with your decisions, who are any of us to say otherwise? Is just our opinion based on your original question, which you posted asking for opinions on what the problem may be with moving in with your bf before your divorce is final. Posing such a question indicates you're open to all manner if feedback.

Again, if you're happy with your decision, and you're not really looking for advice that's contrary to your beliefs, then what does anything we offer matter? Just carry on and do what makes you happy.


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## luxnoctis

Satya said:


> @luxnoctis, if you're happy with your decisions, who are any of us to say otherwise? Is just our opinion based on your original question, which you posted asking for opinions on what the problem may be with moving in with your bf before your divorce is final. Posing such a question indicates you're open to all manner if feedback.
> 
> Again, if you're happy with your decision, and you're not really looking for advice that's contrary to your beliefs, then what does anything we offer matter? Just carry on and do what makes you happy.


I'm not looking for people to be dramatic or accuse me of being smug and arrogant. I don't think anyone is looking for that when they post. I'm also not looking for advice, I'm asking for opinions.


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## Diana7

luxnoctis said:


> I'm not religiously traditional. My partner isn't having sex with another man's wife. Thats dramatic.


You are still married, so he is.


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## MJJEAN

luxnoctis said:


> I'm not looking for people to be dramatic or accuse me of being smug and arrogant. I don't think anyone is looking for that when they post. I'm also not looking for advice, I'm asking for opinions.


The problem coming out of a toxic relationship and meeting someone decent is that you risk being so blinded by the decent you don't see red flags or incompatibilities. Hopefully, you're not blinded and this is a good relationship for you and will go the distance. 

If I read right, you're now divorced (congratulations!) and have moved into your BF's apartment, partially to gtfo of a toxic situation with your mother. Since you have little ones, my only real advice is to make sure you have enough money set aside to move out and into your own place at a moments notice if things go bad. 

If possible, I recommend a savings account with enough money to cover first and last month's rent, security deposit, a weeks worth of groceries, and whatever furniture you may need to buy if you have to leave fast. (Furniture fund doesn't need to be too much if you're willing to buy gently used.)


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## Ynot

luxnoctis said:


> You are seeing smugness and arrogance where there is none.
> 
> Yes I was married. I was young and undiagnosed and untreated for bipolar disorder. So no, I did not pick the best partner. We also both grew into different people. Marrying under 25 years old comes with a higher rate of divorce, because our brains are still growing and we are still developing our self.
> 
> People who are emotionally stable do not have to lack passion, nor does being reliable mean you are boring. Yes people age and can gain weight but that doesn't mean you stop being attracted to them.
> 
> Everyone is different. Some people know what they want, some people need to have a lot of different experiences to hone in on what they want.
> 
> You are incredibly negative. A person who is as fickle as you describe would never have a successful relationship in their lifetime. If you view someone as reliable and then find them boring, you have serious problems with yourself and shouldn't be in a relationship. If you find someone attractive and then they gain 100lbs or become disfigured and that changes ANYTHING you feel towards them, you're despicable. What you are describing is a person who couldn't maintain any relationship. Things change in life, wants change, needs change, relationships change. If you need to change your relationship with every little change in your life, there is something fundamentally wrong with you.


You may not have noticed that I never said anything about your day to day life. I am talking about months, years, and decades. If you don't think your relationships change with the changes in you or your partner, you are incredibly naïve.
I am not being negative at all. I am being realistic. The facts are that people change and what you want now may or may not be the same thing you want in 5,10, or 20 years. it is situational and will change with your situation. I am reasonably sure that when you got married the first time, you did so thinking you were filling your needs. But you found it that is didn't. So you moved on. 
All I am saying (and given the fact that now you announce that you are bi-polar, is that you will change and so will your wants and needs. Also, given that you started this tread wondering if it is right to move in with someone after 5 months and your divorce isn't even final, and you have two children I would say that you definitely exhibit smugness and arrogance perhaps manic is a better choice of word.
As I said originally, 5 months may or may not be to soon for most people. However with the facts we have now I would urge you to slow down. First off you do not want to expose your children to a parade of partners and homes. Secondly while your bipolar issues may be medicated (you did not say) you should know that your symptoms are only modulated and lessened but not removed. So you may be in a slightly manic state and overly optimistic about things. No now I would advise you to take your time, you have the rest of your life. After five months you have not had the opportunity to see (and expose your children) to see this other person in their day to day ltfe nor have they had the opportunity to see you in yours


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## luxnoctis

Ynot said:


> You may not have noticed that I never said anything about your day to day life. I am talking about months, years, and decades.


Nope, that is exactly what I thought you were saying. Of course relationships change over months, years, and decades. So we should just be pessimisstic about that and assume our relationship is going to change for the worse? No thank you.


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## Bonkers

Go ahead and move in. 

What's the worst that can happen?

Just have an exit strategy


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## luxnoctis

Ynot said:


> I would say that you definitely exhibit smugness and arrogance perhaps manic is a better choice of word.
> As I said originally, 5 months may or may not be to soon for most people. However with the facts we have now I would urge you to slow down. First off you do not want to expose your children to a parade of partners and homes. Secondly while your bipolar issues may be medicated (you did not say) you should know that your symptoms are only modulated and lessened but not removed. So you may be in a slightly manic state and overly optimistic about things. No now I would advise you to take your time, you have the rest of your life. After five months you have not had the opportunity to see (and expose your children) to see this other person in their day to day ltfe nor have they had the opportunity to see you in yours


Do you expect someone to listen to your advice after that? I'm the one with bipolar, so I know about how it works and how it is for me specifically. I don't need a lesson on my own medical condition nor do you need to use my medical condition for your confirmation bias. And accusing me of being manic to replace your opinion that I'm smug, is disgusting.


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## luxnoctis

Bonkers said:


> Go ahead and move in.
> 
> What's the worst that can happen?
> 
> Just have an exit strategy


We already moved in. I wanted to get a feel of how many people really view it as too early, and how many people actually care about the official divorce date before having a relationship.


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## Bonkers

Well if you already moved in then why bother asking?

Whatever's going to happen is going to happen regardless of what advice you receive here.


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## SunCMars

Move in, do not marry [for a while] after your divorce is final.

Moving in, initially, will be a convenient thing. And will be a trial period.
Marry when the 'convenient' changes to 'very comfortable' [with each other].


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## luxnoctis

Diana7 said:


> You are still married, so he is.


"Man's wife" is a possessive and I am not his anymore. Marriages have been going on for longer than we've had courts who force you to wait in order to finalize a divorce. A legal formality doesn't mean we aren't divorced and I'm still his wife. I was in no way, shape, or form his wife or his anything. So no, my boyfriend was not sleeping with another man's wife. He was sleeping with his girlfriend.


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## luxnoctis

Bonkers said:


> Well if you already moved in then why bother asking?
> 
> Whatever's going to happen is going to happen regardless of what advice you receive here.


Because I'm not asking for advice. I'm asking for opinions of "is it really too early?"


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## TBT

luxnoctis said:


> Because I'm not asking for advice. I'm asking for opinions of "is it really too early?"


Maybe you'll only get the answer to this in hindsight. You're an adult and seem to be aware of all the possible pitfalls,so to me only time will tell. Personally,I wish you well.


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## Bonkers

luxnoctis said:


> Because I'm not asking for advice. I'm asking for opinions of "is it really too early?"


For whatever good the opinions of a bunch of random internet strangers might mean to a person who has already decided and carried out their course of action.

"What do you random strangers think of me jumping off this cliff? I'm already in the air and I can't reverse course so whatever happens, happens.. I'm just wondering if you think it was a good idea..."


----------



## Satya

My opinion = too early.

But why does my opinion matter? It's your life!


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## MrsHolland

My opinion = you can do what ever you want but you have a responsibility to your children to do the best by them. Moving in with a new partner so soon is not putting your children first, it is putting you first.

But like Satya says, tis your life.


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## luxnoctis

Bonkers said:


> For whatever good the opinions of a bunch of random internet strangers might mean to a person who has already decided and carried out their course of action.
> 
> "What do you random strangers think of me jumping off this cliff? I'm already in the air and I can't reverse course so whatever happens, happens.. I'm just wondering if you think it was a good idea..."


Asking for opinions to see how many people feel the same way about something, not asking if its a good idea. Asking if its a good idea means I want advice. I don't know how many times I can repeat that. Nice job taking it to an extreme example. Moving in with a boyfriend is definitely equivalent to jumping off a cliff.


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## luxnoctis

MrsHolland said:


> My opinion = you can do what ever you want but you have a responsibility to your children to do the best by them. Moving in with a new partner so soon is not putting your children first, it is putting you first.
> 
> But like Satya says, tis your life.


I agree that it is my responsibility. You do not know me, my children, or my boyfriend so there is absolutely no way for you to deduce that moving in after 5 months is not putting my children first.


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## Satya

luxnoctis said:


> I agree that it is my responsibility. You do not know me, my children, or my boyfriend so there is absolutely no way for you to deduce that moving in after 5 months is not putting my children first.


 @luxnoctis, you don't know us, either. Maybe we're speaking from experience and experience is where most advice comes from.

Can you please explain again what you were hoping to achieve with a post where you specifically ask for opinions and then invalidate every single one of them that don't meet with your expectations?

I'm really failing to understand what you want here.


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## Rhubarb

All the standard wisdom says it's too soon. On the other hand I met my wife about a month before my divorce was final. We dated a few months. Then I bought the flat next to hers, knocked a hole in the wall and had it remodeled into one big flat. We were marred 1 year to the day after I met her and it's been all good for a few years now. There are exceptions to everything.


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## Rhubarb

MrsHolland said:


> Moving in with a new partner so soon is not putting your children first, it is putting you first.


Not necessarily. My wife would argue with that since her daughter is now studying in Italy, something she would never have been able to do had we not had our world wind courtship and marriage. It 's fair to argue it's high risk though, but that gets into a lot of judgement calls that are impossible to make without more data.


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## Ynot

luxnoctis said:


> Do you expect someone to listen to your advice after that? I'm the one with bipolar, so I know about how it works and how it is for me specifically. I don't need a lesson on my own medical condition nor do you need to use my medical condition for your confirmation bias. And accusing me of being manic to replace your opinion that I'm smug, is disgusting.


No one is accusing you of being manic to replace my opinion. I am suggesting your dismissive attitude is a result of a manic state. Your previous response is typical of such an attitude. What many would consider "realistic" you consider "pessimistic". Good luck with your future. I hope for the sake of your children, it works out. They do not deserve to suffer being shuffled from one guy to the next because of your "optimism". For that matter, neither do you.


----------



## Rhubarb

Ynot said:


> And finally, there is no guarantee that the person who meets all your criteria today, will meet them tomorrow.
> Smugness and arrogance are the folly of youth and inexperience.


There are never any guarantees. This forum is filled with posts from people who have had long courtships and/or 10, 20 or 30 year marriages before getting divorced. I'm one of them. Quite often these are due to one person cheating on the other or simply people growing sick of each other. Given that, I find it hard to be too critical of people for not not following the accepted wisdom which also seems to have a sub-optimal rate of success.


----------



## Ynot

Rhubarb said:


> There are never any guarantees. This forum is filled with posts from people who have had long courtships and/or 10, 20 or 30 year marriages before getting divorced. I'm one of them. Quite often these are due to one person cheating on the other or simply people growing sick of each other. Given that, I find it hard to be too critical of people for not not following the accepted wisdom which also seems to have a sub-optimal rate of success.


I hear you brother. 24 year marriage for me before it fell apart. Initially and for most of the following years I felt as though I had found the love of my life and we would be together until the end. We had raised two children and I was looking forward to them getting married and us becoming grandparents. But alas, she made other plans along the way and tossed me to the curb as soon as our youngest graduated from college. I am happy for those who HAPPILY make it together thru life with their spouses. I feel sad for those who remain in unhappy marriages. I feel badly for anyone going thru a divorce but urge them all to look towards a brighter future. I am sure no one goes into a relationship hoping that it ends, but reality says they do. That simple observation is not pessimism, it is simply recognizing reality. I hope things work out for the OP but she appears to want to blindly follow the accepted "wisdom" (fairy tale) rather than look at things with her eyes wide open. She posted here, I assume, because she wanted honest critique. I guess I was wrong she just wanted validation and approval.


----------



## Bonkers

luxnoctis said:


> Asking for opinions to see how many people feel the same way about something, not asking if its a good idea.


What will do you with that information?


----------



## Ynot

Bonkers said:


> What will do you with that information?


Probably dismiss it, just like she has done with all the other opinions she has gotten.


----------



## MrsHolland

OK I only just saw the BPD info. Never would have replied to this thread knowing that you have bi polar, there would be no point which is exactly what you proved.

OP I wish your new partner all the luck in the world.


----------



## Bonkers

luxnoctis said:


> I've never been the kind of person to not know what I want. My ex husband was horrible for my mental and physical health.


Your husband was horrible for your mental and physical health, but you married him and had two children with him. Obviously you didn't know him as well as you thought you did. Now you've rushed into a living situation with yet another man who you hardly know.



luxnoctis said:


> I was living with my mom, so I had no financial reason to move in with my boyfriend.


You said you moved out because she stresses you because she's anxious. Doesn't matter why, what matters is did you move in with the new guy to escape existing problems and the answer is clearly yes. 



luxnoctis said:


> He's emotionally stable and reliable and I wanted to be around that for myself and my boys. My mom is so similar to my ex husband, and in addition she is incredibly anxious and stresses me out. I've never felt so calm and relaxed than I do now living with my boyfriend. I've lived my life surrounded by mentally and emotionally unhealthy people and I'm done doing that.


You're bipolar, that's not emotionally healthy. It can be treated, over a long period of time, with regular therapy and medications, it's not clear to me if you are even pursuing treatment. When it seems like it's everyone around you who is emotionally unhealthy, more often than not, it's actually YOU. When an anxious person stresses you out, there are problems within yourself that are triggered because they've never been resolved. You think that stressing out because someone else is anxious is perfectly normal- but it's not. 

This moving in was a really BAD idea especially because:

1- You've got 2 young children you're dragging along who are forced to make adjustments 
2- You aren't even divorced yet!
3- You don't know someone after 5 months, sometimes you don't know a person after a few years. You've moved yourself and your innocent children in with a person you barely know, to satisfy your own selfish needs and wants. You speak about him as if you've known him for years- that's scary. 



luxnoctis said:


> The positive lesson my children learned is stability. My 4 year old son no longer has constant fits of anger and sadness now that he has a positive father figure in his daily life. And a reliable father figure.


You call moving in with your mother, and then moving out and in with a guy you know less than 6 months to be stability???

You've placed this almost perfect stranger into the role of a father figure. 

Way too much, way too soon. 

I sure hope I'm wrong but I won't be the least bit surprised if within the next year you're saying the same thing about your boyfriend that you say about virtually everyone else in your life. You probably won't be all that surprised either, obviously you're questioning your decision to move in which is why you started this thread in the first place. You're hoping you'll get more votes in the affirmative so that your doubts can be laid to rest, as if we have any clue what's going to happen.


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## manfromlamancha

You moved in with another man while still married.

Worse, you moved your boys in with a strange man (who is a "father figure" to them all of a sudden ?!?!?!?!)


----------



## luxnoctis

Ynot said:


> No one is accusing you of being manic to replace my opinion. I am suggesting your dismissive attitude is a result of a manic state. Your previous response is typical of such an attitude. What many would consider "realistic" you consider "pessimistic". Good luck with your future. I hope for the sake of your children, it works out. They do not deserve to suffer being shuffled from one guy to the next because of your "optimism". For that matter, neither do you.


No my children do not deserve that. And that's not what they are getting. My son used to having screaming fits every night and now he is calm and extremely happy. You are really trying to pin a stereotype on me because I mentioned I was diganosed with a mental condition. I have never in my life "shuffled from one guy to the next" because of my "optimism." I don't hook-up with men and I don't date for "fun" going from one guy to the next on random whims. The first man I dated became my husband and we knew each other for 6 years. This is now the second man I have dated in my life. I'm extremely selective of the men I have in my life. 

Every pessimist I've ever known has said they are "actually just being realistic." My health condition does not define my personality. It's ridiculous for you to assume that I'm in a manic state just to further your argument. You've expressed your opinion, you think its too soon. End of story. No need to keep pushing your belief that I'm acting out of manic optimism.


----------



## luxnoctis

Rhubarb said:


> There are never any guarantees. This forum is filled with posts from people who have had long courtships and/or 10, 20 or 30 year marriages before getting divorced. I'm one of them. Quite often these are due to one person cheating on the other or simply people growing sick of each other. Given that, I find it hard to be too critical of people for not not following the accepted wisdom which also seems to have a sub-optimal rate of success.


Yes. We all make choices for our life partners. People separate after 1, 5, 10, 60 (really) years. If there was a magic formula for how to date, how long to date, when to marry, that would keep people together for the rest of their lives, we wouldn't see people separating at all stages of life. Whether people stay together or not is based on them.


----------



## luxnoctis

With a little back story on yourself I can see why you are so embittered and pessimistic. I never knew a pessimist who agreed they were a pessimist. They always believe they are being "realistic" because that's how they see the world. Most optimists on the other hand know they are optimists, and psychology shows that optimism is a healthier attitude for humans than pessimissm. 

I posted here because I'm curious how many people believe its too early and then I'm curious as to why that is, seeing that it seems to have no impact on the longevity of a relationship. I like discussion and talking about issues like this. 

I've read a lot of threads on this website, most threads follow the same pattern as this one. I don't know why people keep thinking they need to say "oh the OP doesn't seem to want to listen, I don't know why they posted..." I don't agree with you, so I shouldn't make a thread?


----------



## luxnoctis

Bonkers said:


> What will do you with that information?


What all people do when they seek out a conversation to find out people's opinions and why they have those opinions. It's what discussions are for...


----------



## luxnoctis

Ynot said:


> Probably dismiss it, just like she has done with all the other opinions she has gotten.


Have you not dismissed everything I have said? Pot calling the kettle black. You think I'm wrong so it's okay to dismiss every reason why I believe I've made a good decision. I think you're wrong, but its not okay for me to dismiss you? You're going as far as to pull extreme assumptions and make up fictional scenarios in order to counter valid reasons for my opinion. Anything I've said as a point for why I believe what I believe you have dismissed. 

You asked why I posted at all. Why exactly are you continuing to post yourself? You've said you don't agree with me, you've said I dismiss everything, so why are you still commenting?


----------



## luxnoctis

MrsHolland said:


> OK I only just saw the BPD info. Never would have replied to this thread knowing that you have bi polar, there would be no point which is exactly what you proved.
> 
> OP I wish your new partner all the luck in the world.


BPD is borderline personality disorder, not bipolar. 

Again, stereotyping me based on a mental health condition. The majority of threads on here are OP's not listening to anyone and which have no "point", yet people continue to post and comment. But because I mentioned I have bipolar, now my answers must be related to that, right? But all the posters who don't have bipolar and also are accused of not accepting advice and having no point to their post, what are they then? Does everyone on here have a mental illness?

This thread also shows me how deep the stigma is against mental health conditions. I used to post a lot under another username a couple of years back and was responded to completely differently. 

I see people giving advice to OPs with partners who have mental illnesses, even bipolar, and telling them how they can't excuse or blame things on their condition. Yet as the OP a few of you are tying everything I say and do back to bipolar disorder....


----------



## Lostinthought61

Personally Luxnoctis, 

if we were just talking about you moving in with a boyfriend, i honestly could care less, your an adult and you can make you own decisions rightly or wrongly. You can suffer any consequences that may come of a premature move, if you think your ready than fine, its your life but to introduce young children into a situation like that is irresponsible and selfish, children do not get to make life altering decisions like this, they don't get a chance to grieve the lose of one relationship before getting into another one. Children seek attachment for security purposes and they are suddenly thrusted into a relationship with a new male (in your case) and suddenly are expected to understand adult situations....and that is not just my opinion but that if years of psychological investigation by experts and children who are now adults and seeking helping for stupid things their parents did because they are too selfish to sleep alone and raise their kids properly. So please don't take our advice but don't think for one second you can play the denial card when your child has problem down the road. You don't get to blame anyone but yourself on that one.


----------



## luxnoctis

Bonkers said:


> Your husband was horrible for your mental and physical health, but you married him and had two children with him. Obviously you didn't know him as well as you thought you did. Now you've rushed into a living situation with yet another man who you hardly know.
> 
> 
> 
> You said you moved out because she stresses you because she's anxious. Doesn't matter why, what matters is did you move in with the new guy to escape existing problems and the answer is clearly yes.
> 
> 
> 
> You're bipolar, that's not emotionally healthy. It can be treated, over a long period of time, with regular therapy and medications, it's not clear to me if you are even pursuing treatment. When it seems like it's everyone around you who is emotionally unhealthy, more often than not, it's actually YOU. When an anxious person stresses you out, there are problems within yourself that are triggered because they've never been resolved. You think that stressing out because someone else is anxious is perfectly normal- but it's not.
> 
> This moving in was a really BAD idea especially because:
> 
> 1- You've got 2 young children you're dragging along who are forced to make adjustments
> 2- You aren't even divorced yet!
> 3- You don't know someone after 5 months, sometimes you don't know a person after a few years. You've moved yourself and your innocent children in with a person you barely know, to satisfy your own selfish needs and wants. You speak about him as if you've known him for years- that's scary.
> 
> 
> 
> You call moving in with your mother, and then moving out and in with a guy you know less than 6 months to be stability???
> 
> You've placed this almost perfect stranger into the role of a father figure.
> 
> Way too much, way too soon.
> 
> I sure hope I'm wrong but I won't be the least bit surprised if within the next year you're saying the same thing about your boyfriend that you say about virtually everyone else in your life. You probably won't be all that surprised either, obviously you're questioning your decision to move in which is why you started this thread in the first place. You're hoping you'll get more votes in the affirmative so that your doubts can be laid to rest, as if we have any clue what's going to happen.


Since this is the thread I started, I will answer you for the silent readers. I know you will dismiss whatever I say, but I not going to not defend myself against this neat picture you are painting. 

1. You're first comment, that I married my ex-husband anyway. I didn't marry him "anyway." Unless you meant something else, that reads as I married him despite knowing he was bad for my mental health. He was not bad for my mental health when got together. He had major life changes that brought out a different side to him and that really clashed with my undiagnosed problems. This situation can and does happen to couples no matter how long they have known each other or the space they put between steps of their relationship. More time does not solve that problem. Quantity vs Quality. When we got together, I was truly suicidal. He and largely my in-laws cared about me and taught me that I have value in this world. I don't regret being married to him or having two kids. I'm sad that it ended and it couldn't be happy ever after, but that's how it is. I wouldn't go back and erase any of it. 

2. About moving out because of my mom. My boyfriend was here every night, and when I didn't have my kids, I was at his place. We lived literally 1 minute down the road from each other. We knew we were in this for the long-haul, and moving in also made practical sense. So no, it was not to escape problems. 

3. I have bipolar depression, that's a brain dysfunction where chemicals are not regulated as much as they are for many people. Therefore, medication is required to regulate those chemicals and keep them within more typical ranges. If it's not clear to you that I'm taking medication, it means you have been skimming. 

4. When it seems like everyone around you is emotionally unhealthy....Not really. This generalization is not supported by science at all. First, it is not "everyone," there you took the argument to the extreme to make it easier for you to argue. I mentioned my ex-husband and my mom. People with untreated conditions tend to couple with other people with untreated conditions because they understand each other's problems better. Bipolar disorder is genetic and is worsened by growing up in a dysfunctional family. Not surprisingly, because mental conditions are so genetic, that vast majority of people with biploar come from dysfunctional families with long histories of mental illness. So, even if you don't trust my perspective on my mom, trust the facts. It's way more likely than not that the people in my family, not just my mother, have mental and emotional problems of their own. I am the only person in my family with no problem taking responsibility for myself by getting treatment. I know medicine works, I'm not afraid of doctors, I don't think admitting I have a lifelong condition means I'm weak. Yes, my mom's anxiety is a trigger for me because I have my own condition to deal with. Does that me she does not have a severe anxiety problem? No. She 100% has it. I cannot increase my medications to a zombie-level of dosage where I will not be stressed out by LIVING with another person with a serious, related genetic condition, who is not seeking treatment for themselves. We advise "normal" people to get away from toxic people, even if they are your family. A toxic person is a toxic person. Whether or not I have my own condition to manage, doesn't relate to whether or not my mom is a toxic person. 

5. You're list of why its a bad idea...That's your opinion. Using words like, "dragging" "forcing" "innocent children" and "selfish" are unecessary to express your opinion that you strongly disagree. You disagree, got it. 

6. "Virtually everyone else in my life" ?? How many people are in my life? You said you don't know even I'm in treatment, but you know how many people are in my life and that I will say the same thing about "them." ??? 

7. I have no doubts. I know that I made the right choice for my kids, for me, and for our future. As you pointed out, you have no clue what is going on. When I provide clues and more details, you dismiss it. 

At this point, you are just talking at me and not with me. No matter what I say, you will continue with your opinion and you believe the same of me. Why post anymore?


----------



## luxnoctis

Lostinthought61 said:


> Personally Luxnoctis,
> 
> if we were just talking about you moving in with a boyfriend, i honestly could care less, your an adult and you can make you own decisions rightly or wrongly. You can suffer any consequences that may come of a premature move, if you think your ready than fine, its your life but to introduce young children into a situation like that is irresponsible and selfish, children do not get to make life altering decisions like this, they don't get a chance to grieve the lose of one relationship before getting into another one. Children seek attachment for security purposes and they are suddenly thrusted into a relationship with a new male (in your case) and suddenly are expected to understand adult situations....and that is not just my opinion but that if years of psychological investigation by experts and children who are now adults and seeking helping for stupid things their parents did because they are too selfish to sleep alone and raise their kids properly. So please don't take our advice but don't think for one second you can play the denial card when your child has problem down the road. You don't get to blame anyone but yourself on that one.


Everything you have said, is exactly why I did this for my sons. Their dad is very messed up emotionally and it was having increasingly painful effects on my 4 year old. My children have a bipolar parent and are at high risk for developing problems of their own. I am extremely aware of this. My children were my biggest motivator to file for divorce. I could take a lot of hurt, but I couldn't watch him do that to our sons. 

You can assume everything you want about what kind of person my boyfriend is and dismiss whatever I tell you about him. Feel free to knock him down. That's your choice. How do I know he is a good role model for my kids? My sons had only one male in their life. My ex-husband. Now they have a new male role model who will remain in their lives, regardless of my relationship with him. This man is loyal and unwavering in his commitments. He has been in the Air Force for 11 years. He has an ex of his own, with whom he has three kids. But the first 2 kids, are not biologically his. Their dad is in jail. Despite not having been married to their mother, and not being in a relationship with their mother anymore, they are HIS kids. Not just in words, but in actions. He wanted to adopt them but his ex cheated on him and broke up with him because she thought he was too "boring." Her idea of boring is, he likes NPR and likes using "big" words and having adult conversations. 

Another thing to consider, is that being a mother with two sons and having bipolar disorder is extremely difficult. I am not ashamed to acknowledge my weakness in this area. I cannot raise my sons *truly* by myself. I mean fully on my own, no grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, no support system. I'm not capable of doing that and being a healthy role model for them. They're not better off with their father or in the child care system. I'm all that they've got. So when I find someone who is capable of having stable emotional reactions and has a strong desire to raise kids into good adults, you bet I'm going to recruit that person into my sons's lives. You may have this idea that me taking time to raise my kids on my own would be more ideal for them. That's a nice idea, but it's not what will happen in my situation and I don't want that for them. Can I literally raise them on my own? Yes. Can I do it on my own without creating another dysfunctional family? No. About 50% of families are truly dysfunctional, but I have higher standards for my boys. I don't want them to be another couple of kids who grew up with a dsyfunctional family.


----------



## Ynot

luxnoctis said:


> Have you not dismissed everything I have said? Pot calling the kettle black. You think I'm wrong so it's okay to dismiss every reason why I believe I've made a good decision. I think you're wrong, but its not okay for me to dismiss you? You're going as far as to pull extreme assumptions and make up fictional scenarios in order to counter valid reasons for my opinion. Anything I've said as a point for why I believe what I believe you have dismissed.
> 
> You asked why I posted at all. Why exactly are you continuing to post yourself? You've said you don't agree with me, you've said I dismiss everything, so why are you still commenting?


Wow, you really need to learn some comprehension skills. When this thread started I agreed that it was not too soon, as you are an adult. Then you allowed that you had young children and later that you were BPD. I didn't jump to any conclusions based on assumptions. I drew a conclusion based on facts. Facts which you have made every effort to downplay. So when I say you are going to dismiss the advice, it is because that is exactly what you have done.


----------



## Ynot

luxnoctis said:


> Nope, that is exactly what I thought you were saying. Of course relationships change over months, years, and decades. So we should just be pessimisstic about that and assume our relationship is going to change for the worse? No thank you.


Um, isn't that exactly what happened with your marriage? You may not thank me now, and quite frankly given your dogmatic refusal to listen to anyone else, I sincerely doubt you ever will. After all you are now 0/1 in picking the right SO. So it is beyond obvious that you know exactly what you want and will only accept that.


----------



## Ynot

luxnoctis said:


> No my children do not deserve that. And that's not what they are getting. My son used to having screaming fits every night and now he is calm and extremely happy. You are really trying to pin a stereotype on me because I mentioned I was diganosed with a mental condition. I have never in my life "shuffled from one guy to the next" because of my "optimism." I don't hook-up with men and I don't date for "fun" going from one guy to the next on random whims. The first man I dated became my husband and we knew each other for 6 years. This is now the second man I have dated in my life. I'm extremely selective of the men I have in my life.
> Selective eh? Only two guys? You married the first, who turned out to be a train wreck, based on your description of him and now you are on to the second. We are all telling you this it too soon, for your children. Your ex may have indeed been the cause of your son's screaming fits. But that doesn't change the fact that YOU replaced his father with someone else while you were still married to his father. Your children did not deserve this.
> Every pessimist I've ever known has said they are "actually just being realistic." My health condition does not define my personality. It's ridiculous for you to assume that I'm in a manic state just to further your argument. You've expressed your opinion, you think its too soon. End of story. No need to keep pushing your belief that I'm acting out of manic optimism.


And every optimist thinks they are being realistic as well. The fact is few people act against what they consider to be reality. So this line of thinking is inane at best. And FTR, your personality is absolutely defined by your "health condition" because it is affected by that condition. So no one is being making any ridiculous assumptions. Many of us have expressed opinions and given advice based on the facts the presented (by you) and our own experience. But you aren't interested in hearing those opinions or listening to the advice many have given you. It is very apparent that you only want validation for something you had already done. And, not getting it, you are now making more excuses to justify it.


----------



## Ynot

luxnoctis said:


> No my children do not deserve that. And that's not what they are getting. My son used to having screaming fits every night and now he is calm and extremely happy. You are really trying to pin a stereotype on me because I mentioned I was diganosed with a mental condition. I have never in my life "shuffled from one guy to the next" because of my "optimism." I don't hook-up with men and I don't date for "fun" going from one guy to the next on random whims. The first man I dated became my husband and we knew each other for 6 years. This is now the second man I have dated in my life. I'm extremely selective of the men I have in my life.
> Selective eh? Only two guys? You married the first, who turned out to be a train wreck, based on your description of him and now you are on to the second. We are all telling you this it too soon, for your children. Your ex may have indeed been the cause of your son's screaming fits. But that doesn't change the fact that YOU replaced his father with someone else while you were still married to his father. Your children did not deserve this.
> Every pessimist I've ever known has said they are "actually just being realistic." My health condition does not define my personality. It's ridiculous for you to assume that I'm in a manic state just to further your argument. You've expressed your opinion, you think its too soon. End of story. No need to keep pushing your belief that I'm acting out of manic optimism.


And every optimist thinks they are being realistic as well. The fact is few people act against what they consider to be reality. So this line of thinking is inane at best. And FTR, your personality is absolutely defined by your "health condition" because in this case your personality is directly affected by that condition. That is afterall how BPD is diagnosed. You see Doctors take an inventory of the personality traits you exhibit. If so many boxes are checked off, that is how you are diagnosed. They don't take your pulse and blood pressure and announce that you are BPD. So no one is being making any ridiculous assumptions. Many of us have expressed opinions and given advice based on the facts the presented (by you) and our own experience. But you aren't interested in hearing those opinions or listening to the advice many have given you. It is very apparent that you only want validation for something you had already done. And, not getting it, you are now making more excuses to justify it. You are in denial, I am sorry your children may suffer for this. I am sorry you may as well


----------



## luxnoctis

Ynot said:


> And every optimist thinks they are being realistic as well. The fact is few people act against what they consider to be reality. So this line of thinking is inane at best. And FTR, your personality is absolutely defined by your "health condition" because in this case your personality is directly affected by that condition. That is afterall how BPD is diagnosed. You see Doctors take an inventory of the personality traits you exhibit. If so many boxes are checked off, that is how you are diagnosed. They don't take your pulse and blood pressure and announce that you are BPD. So no one is being making any ridiculous assumptions. Many of us have expressed opinions and given advice based on the facts the presented (by you) and our own experience. But you aren't interested in hearing those opinions or listening to the advice many have given you. It is very apparent that you only want validation for something you had already done. And, not getting it, you are now making more excuses to justify it. You are in denial, I am sorry your children may suffer for this. I am sorry you may as well


I don't need or want your validation. You are clearly clueless about bipolar disorder. You keep calling it BPD which is borderline PERSONALITY disorder. Bipolar disorder is not a personality disorder. You are making assumptions because you are saying that your belief that i'm manic because I said I have bipolar disorder and moved in with my boyfriend. And you are calling that belief a "fact." You are making an ASSUMPTION that I'm in a manic state. Unless you think "BPD" means being manic most of the time. Biploar depression is 90% depression 10% mania, IF you have type 1 not type 2, that I have. And that is all WITHOUT medication. Unless someone has severe bipolar disorder with psychotic features, they are not going to have a manic episode while medicated. Hypomanic, yes, but not manic. You obviously know nothing about bipolar disorder. So yes, everything you have said to tie my choices with bipolar disorder are YOUR personal assumptions. I'm not going to let you spread misinformation about bipolar depression for the hundreds of silent readers of this thread. 

Go educate yourself and stop spreading your bitterness. I feel like you've become obsessed with this thread. There is zero point to you continuing to accuse me of being manic because of my choice to move in with my boyfriend.


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