# Life after breakup



## texasoutlaw82 (Dec 27, 2013)

Shortly after the last contact I shared with my (ex)girlfriend, I've had many thoughts in my head about what I did or didn't do and what I could have done differently. My question to you is what did you do to accept the reality of your faults? At what point did you tell yourself it was ok to forgive yourself of the mistakes you made?

It's been 3 weeks since I've spoken to my girlfriend or exgirlfriend(I can only assume it's over due to not speaking with her) and I find myself mentally beating myself up over the idiotic things I did in the relationship and I'm starting to really see bigger picture on what my actions or lack of actions caused in the relationship. Any advice or help?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

texasoutlaw82 said:


> Shortly after the last contact I shared with my (ex)girlfriend, I've had many thoughts in my head about what I did or didn't do and what I could have done differently. My question to you is what did you do to accept the reality of your faults? At what point did you tell yourself it was ok to forgive yourself of the mistakes you made?


There is a very simple shift you need to make in your thinking that will completely and forever change how you perceive or respond to a breakup.

Recognize that you may have done nothing wrong at all. Just because it didn't work out, doesn't make it your fault.

If you did screw up royally, such as didn't meet her needs for communication, affection, attention, intimacy etc ... or something more egregious like you cheated, you have addiction issues, were abusive, disconnected ... then you need to own your sh!t and deal with it.

If you truly think you did something wrong, then sure, think about how you could have handled it differently.

But ... don't beat yourself up over a break-up. And don't necessarily believe that the person dumping you knows you better than you know yourself.

I've been dumped plenty. I've dumped plenty. If a relationship just doesn't feel right, or isn't working, then I respectfully exit.

Doesn't mean she's not a great person. She's just not the person for me ... and that isn't anyone's fault.

I'm big on being a good 'ender'. You need to know how to break up gracefully, and be broken up with.

For example, if a woman tells me that she can't see me anymore, I never ask "Why?" What I do say, is "Ok, I appreciate you being honest with me."

It isn't worth trying to change their mind. It isn't worth chasing them, or trying to get them NOT to do the thing that they had to screw up the courage to do ... be honest about the fact that the relationship isn't what they want.

Don't ruminate about why you suck as a partner. Focus on the fact that someone chose to not waste any more of your time and you can go find that person with whom you do match.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Simple example; I met a woman, we fell pretty much head over heels. Six months later she told me that she needed to leave the relationship.
Had I asked her 'why', she likely would have given me a litany of reasons other than the real one.

And that was ...

She couldn't cope with the fact that I had to interact regularly with my ex-wife, as we have 2 young children.

Her issue, and nothing I could do about it.


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

great post.

Deejo is right. Its easy to beat yourself up and let her words (I am sure there were arguments where things were said) go round and round in your head. I have had a habit of doing that and its very destructive.

if there are things to work on work on them so you can carry yourself "new and improved" into the next relationship.

Then in the mean time get yourself busy. In fact get so busy you do not have time to think about all the BS that is flying around in your head.

Join the gym, learn something new like cooking or whatever. Get so busy that even in your down time when you would think about the BS like right before bed you just are too tired and just fall asleep

Along the way you will pick up some new great habits, change some bad ones, and be more well rounded. The next relationship will be that much better and the relationship you have with yourself will be that much stronger.


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## texasoutlaw82 (Dec 27, 2013)

Awesome post Deejo. Thank you. 

As far as I remember, I've always owned my mistakes as soon as it surfaced. I've never tried not avoiding accepting responsibility. As crappy as it is and even though it hurts people I'd rather be honest with them and allow the person to decide what to do with honest information.

I believe my issues are falling more in the realm of what I could have done differently or better. 

I hear what you're saying as far as shifting the train of thought. When I was younger(I'm 31) I found it a lot easier to move on fairly quickly. This time it's a little more difficult as we shared many plans for the future. I already see where I'm taking this...

Thank you again Deejo. I'll now work on that change within myself.

@Cyclist: I think I'll try learning something new or trying something out of my comfort zone. Thank you for the advice.

:smthumbup:


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