# B.S. from the WS: Our Marriage Was Already Over



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

UBT: Our Marriage Was Already Over

March 3, 2016 by @chumplady

Here’s some one-size-fits-all cheater bullsh!t for you — “Our marriage was already over.” Cheaters say it to affair partners, “We’re all but divorced!” “We’re separated!” “Just roommates!” And cheaters say it to their spouses when they’re discovered cheating. Our marriage was already over.

Well, yes, yes it was when you fvcked that other person. But did chumpy you get that memo?

Hey, they gave themselves a mental divorce! Had a few concentrated thoughts about it, and shazzam! Legal and ethical responsibility ended!

Why do cheaters say this?

a) To duck responsibility. It’s blameshifting — weren’t you aware the rules had changed? You’re not very observant, are you?

b) To goad you into the pick me dance. They didn’t tell you it was Over because they wanted to perpetuate cake. It’s too bad you know, but perhaps this crisis will provoke you to try harder to win them back. Kibbles, kibbles, kibbles.

c) Actual divorce is hard work. Hard work sucks. They’re going to boldly strike off after that new life. You can clean up the mess. You’re welcome!

Which brings us to the question of how do you properly END a relationship? Nobody likes to be dumped. And that’s the mindfvck — after you’ve been devalued (“our marriage was already over”), you’re insulted with the accusations that you’re just jealous and covetous of their newfound happiness. Tut, tut. You should take it better. Can’t you see you’re yesterday’s news? Okay, so maybe they went about it in the wrong way, but It’s All for the Best! Their happiness is what Really Matters!

(read the rest here)


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

TS,

I think the proper way to end a relationship is to tell your H, W, SO what you feel and how long you have felt it. The raw truth about why you fell out of Love. What is sometimes called radical honesty. 

Here's a few alternate statements which would be better to hear.

"I fell in love with someone else and will never feel the same about you"

"our marriage could have been saved but I fell in love with someone else"

" I mentally divorced you 5 years ago and didn't want to have sex with you since then"

"I viewed you as a roommate for the last 10 years I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner so you could get on with your life"

"I stayed with you, despite the fact that I never forgave you for tons of little things, because you make good money"

Tamat


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Well I think they say it because the honeymoon is over. It ain't like they spending all their time away pining over missing you.
Why folks want to continue to believe the cheater is really in to the betrayed party and the marriage but just making excuses when they say point blank and in your face, "our marriage sucked" is perplexing. 
Maybe from the cheater's perspective, the marriage and the betrayed party did suck.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> Well I think they say it because the honeymoon is over. It ain't like they spending all their time away pining over missing you.
> Why folks want to continue to believe the cheater is really in to the betrayed party and the marriage but just making excuses when they say point blank and in your face, "our marriage sucked" is perplexing.
> Maybe from the cheater's perspective, the marriage and the betrayed party did suck.


I think @chumplady nails it - they use those words as an excuse to fvck someone else...


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

If they'd stay off their smart phone texting and otherwise be careful, they wouldn't need an excuse like the marriage was over. The only "excuse" needed is, "what hubby/wifey don't find out ain't goin hurt um"


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> If they'd stay off their smart phone texting and otherwise be careful, they wouldn't need an excuse like the marriage was over. The only "excuse" needed is, "what hubby/wifey don't find out ain't goin hurt um"


True..there were several affairs discussed here and elsewhere in which the BS would STILL be fvcking their AP if they had not used FB or texted using their personal cellphones - I never understood when people say they took their affair deeper underground once their spouse caught on why didnt they start out deep underground?


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> If they'd stay off their smart phone texting and otherwise be careful, they wouldn't need an excuse like the marriage was over. The only "excuse" needed is, "what hubby/wifey don't find out ain't goin hurt um"


LOL..worth a shot dont you think @ThePheonix


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I not only got "The marriage was already over," I got "All my friends/family/everyone in the world knows the marriage has been over for years." I guess he didn't think he was hurting me enough to tell me it was already over from his point of view - he had to twist the knife he stabbed me with.

Funny thing: when I talked with all those friends and family of his about it, they were quite sincerely shocked. They told me, without exception, that they envied our marriage and hoped to emulate it - they never thought this would happen to us.

Are about 30 people lying to me, or is just one?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Nomorebeans said:


> I not only got "The marriage was already over," I got "All my friends/family/everyone in the world knows the marriage has been over for years." I guess he didn't think he was hurting me enough to tell me it was already over from his point of view - he had to twist the knife he stabbed me with.
> 
> Funny thing: when I talked with all those friends and family of his about it, they were quite sincerely shocked. They told me, without exception, that they envied our marriage and hoped to emulate it - they never thought this would happen to us.
> 
> Are about 30 people lying to me, or is just one?


Oh, that's a hard one...


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Nomorebeans said:


> I not only got "The marriage was already over," I got "All my friends/family/everyone in the world knows the marriage has been over for years." I guess he didn't think he was hurting me enough to tell me it was already over from his point of view - he had to twist the knife he stabbed me with.
> 
> Funny thing: when I talked with all those friends and family of his about it, they were quite sincerely shocked. They told me, without exception, that they envied our marriage and hoped to emulate it - they never thought this would happen to us.
> 
> Are about 30 people lying to me, or is just one?


I'm going to go with just one. I have a theory that many WSs who say this and ACTUALLY believe it are twisting things around in their head to justify their A and their selfishness. The rest just use this as a line to make the BS feel bad. Lets be logical and say the marriage isn't over until you both say its over - you just can't say to yourself the marriage is over so I'm going to fvck my hot neighbor or the lawn guy. @chumplady cuts right through cheater bullsh!t doesn't she?


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Truthseeker1 said:


> True..there were several affairs discussed here and elsewhere in which the BS would STILL be fvcking their AP if they had not used FB or texted using their personal cellphones - I never understood when people say they took their affair deeper underground once their spouse caught on why didnt they start out deep underground?


 Because it was easier to start the way they did. Remember, with 85% affairs starting in the work-place - usually the intent is not to have an affair and they start following script.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Truthseeker1 said:


> LOL..worth a shot dont you think @ThePheonix


That image works for women cheaters too.

Man, my wayward tore at that door.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Truthseeker1 said:


> I'm going to go with just one. I have a theory that many WSs who say this and ACTUALLY believe it are twisting things around in their head to justify their A and their selfishness. The rest just use this as a line to make the BS feel bad. Lets be logical and say the marriage isn't over until you both say its over - you just can't say to yourself the marriage is over so I'm going to fvck my hot neighbor or the lawn guy. @chumplady cuts right through cheater bullsh!t doesn't she?


Indeed. Pretty unilateral decision to declare the marriage already over without first consulting your spouse.

If I had it to do again, when he said that, I'd have said, "So why are you still here?"

Ironically, he's capable of understanding subtlety and nuance, so he and his stuff would have been out of here the next day.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

I got this garbage too from W when Dday, and get this, she was even frustrated that I had not figured this out even if she had not told me that the marriage was over, I was suppose to know just because of how we acted towards each other...she said some nonsense like "obviously you arent able to read me well enough to know that I wasnt happy and had given up on the marriage to be able to know this w/o me having to tell you, that alone speaks to how disconnected we are"

ok whatever....sorry that my Vulcan mind reading skills arent good enough....she has since admitted her stupidity about this and now knows it was just another pseudo-excuse to cheat.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

People are stupid and can talk themselves into anything.

Years ago, during my own divorce, a family member discovered her husband was cheating on her and threw him out. He wanted to come and get his stuff out, and she didn't want to deal with it, so I went to her place and let him in. Supervised him pulling his own stuff out.

I was trying very hard to be civil, something that's hard for me. But we got to talking, and he said something stupid -- that the marriage had been over for a long time. And I said "bull****, man. If the marriage is over, you tell the other person and get lawyers involved."

He turned to me and said "Well, it doesn't matter now, and we don't need a lawyer. We're divorced."

And I said "What the hell are you talking about?"

He said "I've left. We're divorced."

And I burst out laughing when I realized just how stupid some people were. And told him he should go talk to a lawyer about that, because it's more complicated than just declaring it and walking out the door.

He got confused and angry and left.

It was a good lesson. People can be far dumber than you think, and talk themselves into some pretty stupid ideas.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

CantBelieveThis said:


> I got this garbage too from W when Dday, and get this, she was even frustrated that I had not figured this out even if she had not told me that the marriage was over, I was suppose to know just because of how we acted towards each other...she said some nonsense like "obviously you arent able to read me well enough to know that I wasnt happy and had given up on the marriage to be able to know this w/o me having to tell you, that alone speaks to how disconnected we are"
> 
> ok whatever....sorry that my Vulcan mind reading skills arent good enough....she has since admitted her stupidity about this and now knows it was just another pseudo-excuse to cheat.


How is your R going? or are oyu still in a sort of limbo?


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

marduk said:


> *People are stupid and can talk themselves into anything.
> *
> Years ago, during my own divorce, a family member discovered her husband was cheating on her and threw him out. He wanted to come and get his stuff out, and she didn't want to deal with it, so I went to her place and let him in. Supervised him pulling his own stuff out.
> 
> ...


Cheaters also like to rewrite history and after the fact day the marriage was over mind their mind and then maybe get themselves to believe that...anyway you cut it "the marriage was over" is just more cheater bullsh!t - if its over - declare it so and fvcking file - if not you are still married no matter what you think inside of your cheater brain...


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Nomorebeans said:


> Indeed. Pretty unilateral decision to declare the marriage already over without first consulting your spouse.
> 
> If I had it to do again, when he said that, I'd have said, "So why are you still here?"
> 
> Ironically, he's capable of understanding subtlety and nuance, so he and his stuff would have been out of here the next day.


A bold decision that they dont announce but declare in their minds so they can fvck their lover with a clear conscience...stupid cheater tricks :surprise:


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

Truthseeker1 said:


> How is your R going? or are oyu still in a sort of limbo?


Not as much limbo as before man, thanks for asking, things have been Goin well with W. My dad passed away unexpectedly a couple weeks ago and its been really tough on me, more than I ever thought, we were close, my old man and I. My W did so much to help me and my mom with everything about that that I really see a lot hope in us now. 
Its crazy how the pain of a loved one passing shares many similarities with infidelity, thou there are also lot of differences, it did surface a lot of how that pain felt when D-day.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

CantBelieveThis said:


> Not as much limbo as before man, thanks for asking, things have been Goin well with W. My dad passed away unexpectedly a couple weeks ago and its been really tough on me, more than I ever thought, we were close, my old man and I. My W did so much to help me and my mom with everything about that that I really see a lot hope in us now.
> Its crazy how the pain of a loved one passing shares many similarities with infidelity, thou there are also lot of differences, it did surface a lot of how that pain felt when D-day.


so sorry about your dad - just remember you have 1 life to live -spend it with people who are worth investing time in and fvck the rest...good luck....


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

marduk said:


> People are stupid and can talk themselves into anything.
> 
> Years ago, during my own divorce, a family member discovered her husband was cheating on her and threw him out. He wanted to come and get his stuff out, and she didn't want to deal with it, so I went to her place and let him in. Supervised him pulling his own stuff out.
> 
> ...


Wow... there are no words. I'm not sure if he's delusional, or just stupid. I think your family member may be lucky, having gotten rid of THAT one.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Nomorebeans said:


> I not only got "The marriage was already over," I got "All my friends/family/everyone in the world knows the marriage has been over for years." I guess he didn't think he was hurting me enough to tell me it was already over from his point of view - he had to twist the knife he stabbed me with.
> 
> Funny thing: when I talked with all those friends and family of his about it, they were quite sincerely shocked. They told me, without exception, that they envied our marriage and hoped to emulate it - they never thought this would happen to us.
> 
> Are about 30 people lying to me, or is just one?


Just one. I've been sincerely shocked regarding every divorce/separation I've learned about--always couples that I thought were the strongest. And when I split from my XH, the people who saw it coming--or thought that we were a poor fit in the first place--and told me so, right out of the gate, were the people that already knew we were having problems, because I had confided in them over the year.

And the train wreck couples, the ones where I'm thinking, _Why don't they just divorce already???_ end up being the one who never split up.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> Just one. I've been sincerely shocked regarding every divorce/separation I've learned about--always couples that I thought were the strongest. And when I split from my XH, the people who saw it coming--or thought that we were a poor fit in the first place--and told me so, right out of the gate, were the people that already knew we were having problems, because I had confided in them over the year.
> 
> And the train wreck couples, the ones where I'm thinking, _Why don't they just divorce already???_ end up being the one who never split up.


Agree 100% you never really quite know what is going on with a couple form the outside looking in....some that everyone thinks are horrible for each other are still getting somehting they need form the relationship...as bad as it looks from the outside...


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## NewPhoenix5 (Dec 4, 2015)

After going to the MC, my WW was told by my MC and I that she needed to send a NC letter via text.

Instead she goes on a long walk with her cell phone.

When she returns I ask her if she called the OM.

"Yes." She says.

I ask, "What did you say?"

WW looks at me and says, "I told him you weren't confident enough in your manhood that I could have any male friends!"

That was a twist of the knife!

Later she sent the NC text and surprise, surprise, it was a false NC! It took me so long to catch on, I'm still astonished. What was I thinking? 

Yesterday we were going through the store with my wife and 5 children, picking out food and a elderly lady comes up to me and says, "You are such a lovely family! You are so blessed!" Yeah. If I get any more blessed it's going to kill me.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

NewPhoenix5 said:


> After going to the MC, my WW was told by my MC and I that she needed to send a NC letter via text.
> 
> Instead she goes on a long walk with her cell phone.
> 
> ...


:slap: :slap: :slap: :slap: :slap:


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

> Addressing her affair with Crowe, Ryan says, “the reasons [Quaid and I] broke up have nothing to do with another person. My marriage was broken — nobody else broke it up.”


*Denial!*


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Amplexor said:


> *Denial!*


Dennis Quaid made out like a thief in that deal. His new wife is smmmmmmmmmokin hot and like 15 years younger than Ryan... who was never that hot to begin with...


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

NewPhoenix5 said:


> After going to the MC, my WW was told by my MC and I that she needed to send a NC letter via text.
> 
> Instead she goes on a long walk with her cell phone.
> 
> ...


And what did you say to this? And why are you still with this owman? Just curious...


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Amplexor said:


> *Denial!*


That is pure bullsh!t her part....


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> That is pure bullsh!t her part....


But that is what she told Oprah, so it has to be true.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> But that is what she told Oprah, so it has to be true.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well if Oprah believes it, who am I to contradict Oprah...


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

CantBelieveThis said:


> I got this garbage too from W when Dday, and get this, she was even frustrated that I had not figured this out even if she had not told me that the marriage was over, I was suppose to know just because of how we acted towards each other...she said some nonsense like "obviously you arent able to read me well enough to know that I wasnt happy and had given up on the marriage to be able to know this w/o me having to tell you, that alone speaks to how disconnected we are"
> 
> ok whatever....sorry that my Vulcan mind reading skills arent good enough....she has since admitted her stupidity about this and now knows it was just another pseudo-excuse to cheat.


I never got the marriage was already over or the unhappy speech but I got plenty of "you should have been able to sense things" or "you think you can read me but obviously you cant". Silly me a person telling me they are happy and love me more than anything and I believed her.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

honcho said:


> I never got the marriage was already over or the unhappy speech but I got plenty of "you should have been able to sense things" or "you think you can read me but obviously you cant". Silly me a person telling me they are happy and love me more than anything and I believed her.


I guess "you're not a mind reader so I had to fvck someone else - should be added ot the cheate lexicon?


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

NewPhoenix5 said:


> WW looks at me and says, "I told him you weren't confident enough in your manhood "


Fortunately for her, she's right. If you were confident, you'd ditch her.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

http://celebritynews.io/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/Meg-Ryan-218x150.jpg

Addressing her affair with Crowe, *Ryan says, “the reasons [Quaid and I] broke up have nothing to do with another person. My marriage was broken — nobody else broke it up.”*

When caught, I asked my wife the *"WHY?"*

Yep I got it... _"I felt our marriage was Broken." _I guess that's a 007 License to Kill or in cheater speak 0069 License to F--k.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

RWB said:


> http://celebritynews.io/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/Meg-Ryan-218x150.jpg
> 
> Addressing her affair with Crowe, *Ryan says, “the reasons [Quaid and I] broke up have nothing to do with another person. My marriage was broken — nobody else broke it up.”*
> 
> ...


She felt is was broken? So she fvcks someone else - whatever - i love how cheaters declare things in their mind before taking their clothes off with someone else...how did you reconcile with that and do you regret it?


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## NewPhoenix5 (Dec 4, 2015)

Truthseeker1 said:


> And what did you say to this? And why are you still with this owman? Just curious...


To be honest, I can't remember. But that quote sticks out like a brand on my skin. I think I said something to the effect, "I don't think that's what Shirley Glass had in mind for a NC statement!"

I was steadfast in my belief that this was just a friendship. Edith promised me it was only that! She promised! Of course, she was f**king him, but I was in denial. I trusted her. Stupid NP5...

What I should have done is filed for divorce the next day. But that is water over the dam now.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

NewPhoenix5 said:


> To be honest, I can't remember. But that quote sticks out like a brand on my skin. I think I said something to the effect, "I don't think that's what Shirley Glass had in mind for a NC statement!"
> 
> I was steadfast in my belief that this was just a friendship. Edith promised me it was only that! She promised! Of course, she was f**king him, but I was in denial. I trusted her. Stupid NP5...
> 
> *What I should have done is filed for divorce the next day. But that is water over the dam now.*


It's NEVER too late to file if that is what you want.....


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