# Advice please



## charlotte2 (Dec 16, 2011)

I'll start with a bit of background i've been with my partner for 5 years i am 29 he is 32 and we have 2 children.
In the beginning of our relationship sex was amazing multiple times a day it got less which i expected but it always stayed good and frequent enough to keep us both happy. 
Then about 8-9 months ago it took a complete nose dive he stopped initiating at all and started turning me down a lot. He always had a reason and as soon as i would sort the reason he would come up with a new reason.
In december i decided to stop trying so much because my self esteem has taken a real bashing being turned down so much. Since then we probably have sex once every 10 days on average.

On our anniversary 2 weeks ago he initiated for the first time in ages and we had the best sex we had has in ages. 5 days later i was hugging him in bed and started giving him a hj he didn't move from his position and after 15 mins he took over because my hand hurt he never tried to touch me just himself and i was a bit hurt but just let it go as he gets angry if i try to talk about sex.

Then 2 nights ago i was going to bed and it was late for me so i said once i've taken the kids to school tomorrow i'll need a nap as i'll be tired. He said just come back to bed. He stays up very late like 5-6am and when he goes to bed he wakes me up and i go downstairs as he says he can't sleep with me in the bed as i snore. He then sleeps in late the next day. So to this i said no its ok i don't like to come back to bed in case i wake you. So i want to sleep and then when i did wake him up yesterday he was very annoyed saying he didn't feel wanted as he had lay awake waiting for me to come back to bed after taking the kids to school. I explained that i didn't think he meant come back to bed in a sex way but to sleep which i told him i wouldn't do in case i woke him and if he was awake he should have called me up.
He then brought up how good the sex was on anniversary when he initited to then say then when i initiated 5 days later with the hj it was so bad. I was annoyed and told him he could have touched me and involved me on it instead of just laying there touching himself but still he said i was in the wrong that day.

So anyway as we were discussing sex i thought i would bring up my issues with him not initiating and the frequency it was a big mistake.
He said he has told me before he won't initiate anymore as i talk about sex problems and he don't like it and it makes him feel unconfident. I don't remember him saying he won't initiate anymore i am sure i would remember that. when i talk about sex its only ever i am unsatisfied with the frequency i never say hes no good or anything like that.

so anyway we got on to frequency and i said how often would be good for him in a week to which he got angry saying he can't see sex as a number or in a scientific way he wants it when he wants it and i am not normal to be able to have a ideal number.

I said i feel sex makes us closer and i love the after sex feeling to which he said there is no after sex feeling for him he feels no different just after sex then at anyother time of day.

I asked if there wasn't a need for him to have sex and he said no its rubbish men have no physical need to have sex its just something they do whenever.

I said so if somone you were with said they never wanted sex again but had no reason for it would that bother you to which he said no why would it bother you? I said if they wasn't willing to get help to why i would leave he looked very shocked saying i can't beleave sex is that important to you in a relationship that you would leave thats not normal. 

So thats kind of how it was left i was stupid in saying if i am that bad why not just leave i know stupid but i was annoyed.

So last night we had sex but now i am just left so confused don't know how to go from here.

Sorry its so long and thanks for reading.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You dont seem to understand men. I doubt if he meant all he was saying to you. Perhaps you write him a long letter instead.


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

Well I can give you some insight into some/most male minds, mine included. Giving pointers in bed is a minefield to avoid. We want to think we know everything that makes women happy. We take pride in being God's gift to women, and your a woman. In other words, we are big and macho on the outside but have a pretty fragile ego especially when we are vulnerable. 

Generally speaking I would knock the criticism issue out by prefacing anything you say after sex to be laced with positives. In other words, not in the heat of the moment unless something really hurts or is wrong. In the moment, be as into whatever is going on as you can. At some point after blood returns to the brain and outside the bedroom, bring up what you didnt like with a "you know you drive me wild in bed and I love how you touch me", then put what you would like here (it would be really hot or turn me on if you could do X), it would make me crazy. You could even throw it out there is there something I could do for you that I havent/dont do. 

I'm sure if you were going down on him and he made comments to you that you were no good, the BJ's would end then and there...that ungrateful jerk right? Honestly my wife loved giving bj's when we were first together, but she didn't give them very well (at least compared to my other partners). It took awhile for her to bring me to orgasm. It wasn't horrible but just wasn't hold on to your sheets, I'm coming either. I never gave her direct "dont do this or do that" in the middle of the moment or put down her technique, but I did let her know when I liked something by being more vocal and slightly more into it than normal. Honestly, there is no such thing as a horrible BJ (unless someone isnt into you). That method took longer but was more safe. That isn't possible in all circumstances, but if at all possible, tread lightly with any pointers. Again, when the little head has the blood till about 10 minutes after orgasm, the big head is extra sensitive and as closest to functioning like a woman's brain as we get.

Onto the operation shutdown. I am there with my LD partner after 5 years of hurts and rejection. A normal man minus mental/physical issues is going to be horny or ready to go with little preparation. Its how most of us are wired biologically. Typically you know a man is horny and thinking about sex if he has a heartbeat and is conscious. It *should* be easier to get us going than a woman who is not in the mood. Having said that, men do have an off switch. When it's off, it can be more difficult to switch back on than a woman (who is decidedly more complicated to operate than a man). 

The reason I have not been touching or making any moves in my own situation has to do with other things that are going on in the relationship that are indirectly and directly related to my needs being severely unmet for a long time. I'm patient but have reached a point where that is no longer ok with me. It takes a lot of anger/resentment plus some willpower to not take a sliver of an opening in my relationship and get a quick fix. As soon as those issues are on their way to being worked on and we've come to an understanding, this guy hopes to rip her a new one and start making up for lost time.

My point is that he may have some issues that he thinks he's communicated to you. He probably has, but it wasn't done in the way you would, so there is a disconnect. Men and women are from different planets when we communicate. We're also infamous for shutting down when we get hurt and storing anger like a camel stores water. Also lets be frank, sometimes we tune out what our spouses say (not intentionally of course). Communication, understanding, empathy and a willing attitude to want what was lost will go a long way towards fixing these kinds of issues. I've read posts on here from successful "sexless" and unsatisfied relationships that prove it can be done. 

Someone has to stop the insanity (doing the same thing and expecting different results). It's just getting both people on the same page at the same time. That's a real challenge because one person has to be ready to catch the other at the right moment and re-sync. It's like two people staring at a washing machine that is out of balance and bouncing around the room. Each blames the other, both have legitimate grievances, both are at fault and no one is opening the door to re-balance and continue. I'm honest enough to admit I'm not a saint, but I am a good man with a good heart. In my heart of hearts, I do believe my relationship will be saved. I do think that my wife is a good person and does want to fix things. However, I know she's frustrated and hasn't wanted to accept that she was at all to blame. It was her sex crazed husband, the insensitive jerk who has the audacity to want to have sex with her all the time. 

Through my experience, I have also come to accept that's not guaranteed that things will get better the first try at moving forward and its likely to get worse before things get better. There are some uncomfortable and ugly conversations that are long overdue. I've kept my anger and been ineffective in communicating how important and how hurtful the lack of (insert my complaints here) have been to our relationship. The poison needs to be taken out before a relationship has a chance of getting better. Don't give up. Do lots of research, praying, meditating and most of all, realize that you can only control yourself. Find something to make you happy and work on yourself in spite of the chaos. It will help you and it couldn't hurt the relationship. Good luck to you!


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## charlotte2 (Dec 16, 2011)

Thankyou for taking the time to write all of that to me some good advice.
I am never ever critical of anything he does in bed its all great when we do it and i make sure i tell him how fantastic it is.
The only thing i have spoken about before yesterday has been the frequency or the fact that he has been turning me down. Even that tho i haven't mentioned in ages because i know he don't like talking about it.
I guess i just say nothing again and enjoy when we do do it.

It just hurts when he don't want me as much as i want him.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

charlotte2 said:


> Thankyou for taking the time to write all of that to me some good advice.
> I am never ever critical of anything he does in bed its all great when we do it and i make sure i tell him how fantastic it is.
> The only thing i have spoken about before yesterday has been the frequency or the fact that he has been turning me down. Even that tho i haven't mentioned in ages because i know he don't like talking about it.
> I guess i just say nothing again and enjoy when we do do it.
> ...


yep that hurts. don't know what you can do about it eventually resentment will cause you to not want him anymore.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

You said that 8-9 months ago the sex life took a nosedive.

What was happening during that time? It seems like there may have been something that happened - what was it? Could he have been involved with someone else?

It's the abruptness of the change that seems concerning.

Best wishes.


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## charlotte2 (Dec 16, 2011)

Yeah thats right it really was a sudden change it started around the time the children were on holiday from school and that was what he blamed it on at first as mostly we have sex when there at school. So from that i thought once they are back at school it will pick up again but it didn't it just changed to diffrent reasons.
As for anyone else definatly not a pa not sure about a ea tho he spends a lot of time on the computer but that isn't a new thing he has always done that. 

He was playing second life a few months back and tried to hide it from me one night when i asked what he was doing. We argued about that and he stopped playing it.
It really was very sudden tho before the kids were on holiday we were having sex at least 4 times a week both initiating and having loads of fun with it. We would both buy sexy clothes or other presents for each other and it was great.


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## bill2011 (Feb 5, 2011)

He should only know how lucky he is, most of the time the roles are reversed (woman denies man). I agree with Chilly that if you don't solve this now resentment will set in and cause a ton of other problems that are difficult to work with.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Is he having problems with his erection? Or orgasms?

Sometimes men are very sensitive about their performance, so if they are having problems, they avoid having sex rather than talking about it openly and seeking help (medical or psychological) for erection problems. 

He said that he doesn't like talking about sex problems because that makes him lose his confidence...but you are saying that you have never said anything except about the frequency. That might be making him lose his confidence if he _cannot _get erections like he used to and can't have sex more frequently.



> I said i feel sex makes us closer and i love the after sex feeling to which he said there is no after sex feeling for him he feels no different just after sex then at anyother time of day.
> 
> I asked if there wasn't a need for him to have sex and he said no its rubbish men have no physical need to have sex its just something they do whenever.


This, I think, is worth exploring. He doesn't feel close to you emotionally during or after sex. But he used to, right? So what reason would he have to (suddenly) feel distant from you, something from 8 months ago?

I don't think that you will be able to get very far if he won't talk about this with you.


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## charlotte2 (Dec 16, 2011)

I Think what he meant is he just don't feel any diffrent after sex then at any other time so not that he don't feel close to me just that there are none of the nice after sex type feelings that i have are they just a female thing? Like the feeling after snuggled in his arms so relaxed so in love and just so happy. 

No erection problems as such he has said before that sometimes if he thinks about it to much he can worry he will lose his erection and so then does but thats like a twice a year at most thing. I never say anything about it just cuddle up kiss him and mostly that will resolve any problem.


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

charlotte2 said:


> Thankyou for taking the time to write all of that to me some good advice.
> I am never ever critical of anything he does in bed its all great when we do it and i make sure i tell him how fantastic it is.
> The only thing i have spoken about before yesterday has been the frequency or the fact that he has been turning me down. Even that tho i haven't mentioned in ages because i know he don't like talking about it.
> I guess i just say nothing again and enjoy when we do do it.
> ...


Have you told him that directly? If he understands how much it hurts, and that it damages how you feel about him, maybe that will help him understand what its doing to you and your marriage. I still haven't gotten my wife to understand that, but I haven't said that directly. That's one of the many convos I'll be having when I am face to face. My previous attempts were about the mechanics (how often, how involved, when, where, how) and not what it means to me. Of course it's the sex, but its just as much about the rejection as the rest.


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

charlotte2 said:


> I Think what he meant is he just don't feel any diffrent after sex then at any other time so not that he don't feel close to me just that there are none of the nice after sex type feelings that i have are they just a female thing? Like the feeling after snuggled in his arms so relaxed so in love and just so happy.
> 
> No erection problems as such he has said before that sometimes if he thinks about it to much he can worry he will lose his erection and so then does but thats like a twice a year at most thing. I never say anything about it just cuddle up kiss him and mostly that will resolve any problem.


From my research here, its not uncommon for either sex to have the need to connect through sex. It's definitely "normal" for those who need/want more than their partner. I'm a guy and definitely need that connection. Does everyone need it, I guess not. But, that isn't the point. Its not about everyone else, its about the two people who made vows to love, honor and cherish. Part of honoring is taking care of each others needs no matter how we "feel" to the very best of our ability, not to the best of what we fell like giving.


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