# Heartbreak - Phase 2



## workingatit (Nov 13, 2012)

I have posted previously and got some great advice, which admittingly I did not follow as I should have.

20 years together 11 years married 10 year old daughter. Relationship has never been easy, but I always thought we were OK. He did cheat 10 years ago, truth is we never recovered from that because he never wanted to own up to why he did it.

We moved on startd over in a new home and he promised he would try harder to make things work...it did not happen.

OCtober 2012 told me he wanted a divorce. I do the girl thing and cry and beg and try to understand why he is throwing it all away. I try to get him to talk til I am blue in the face - so all I did was push him further away.

Dec-Jan we got along great. Friday before Xmas he texts me to meet him for drinks and we had a great time....(this is the first time we had been out at all in years).....he has not asked me for drinks in well over 10 years....I thought it was an effort....

2 weeks ago I try to communciate about where we are at and he says we are over he is not in love, have nothing in common blah blah blah. He went away for a week for a week, came back and I wanted answers...4 months in limbo with mixed communication is draining.

Last night....we fought, I said you have to go I cannot do this anymore.

He left this mornign for work and said he would be back over thw eekend for more stuff.

I phoned him today to let him know I love him and that I am sorry for things I have said that may have hurt him (I spoke to a male friend last night -- JUST A FRIEND FROM HIGH SCHOOL! - to get a guys point of view --- he made me realize how things I said with good intentions could have been taken wrong)....so I apologixed and told him all I want is for him to be happy and if he needs me I am here for him...that things I say although maybe said wrong, are only said out of love and a want for him to be happy.

He surprisingly did text me just to let meknow he got the message --- I was so not expecting that.

Also when I was on the phone with my friend last night...my husband came downstairs from his bedroom and asked who the hell was I on the phone with...I said its none of your business....he asked again I said the same...then he stood an stared at me while I was on the phone for a good 10 minutes or so.....

I told him today who I was speaking with...but I find it odd that a man who does not love me and does not want to be with me cares to know who I am on the phone with...

Let me finish with....I think has mild depression...possibly severe.....I have spoke to my therapist about his behaviors and she fels it could be as well.

So tonite he is gone...I am honestly not sure what the plan is....I dont know if he got an apartment if he is in a hotel....I know there is not another woman at this point since he is home all the time....

Asking him to leave was right - we need the space....

But what do I do from here?

I want to fight for my marriage, I do not know if we have a chance...he is so determined to not fix anything...but again I do not know what is true or not...he says things to hurt me all the time lately....

But how do you really handle things once they are out....I know he will be here over the weekend to see our daughter and get more stuff.....but what do I do with that time and the next few days?!?!?

Any help is appreciated!!!!


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## Amymarie717 (Jan 12, 2013)

I am going through the same thing. My story is different, but I am in limbo having all these mixed emotions.. he can'y decide what he wants, but I'm getting to the point where I don't think I want to be with someone who thinks I'm disposable and potentially replaceable. 

Anyways, I suggest you keep yourself by working out a lot, eating healthy, reading books for pleasure, talking to friends about the situation, going out with friends, and starting counseling. Leave him be. He has to find his way back on his own, or else he'll just leave you again.

Good luck, I do feel your pain


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## workingatit (Nov 13, 2012)

Thanks Amy...I am almost at that point where I do not want to be with someone who does not value me. 

But over the last few days I have really done a lot of reading, therapy and spoke with a very close male friend and with all of this I have learned a lot about how my keeping up a wall and lack of understanding about how he WAS trying to make things better has got us to this point. So I am not sure what his feelings are for me. I know he is frustrated with my "nagging" him to make things better...but I did not realize in some of his actions he WAS trying...I was just ignoring.

I actually had 2 OK conversations with him yesterday via phone...nothing heavy, just my apologizing for not seeing his efforts more clearly and for the constant "attempts at talking" I put out there to make things better. I realize now how those conversations were just a waste and only made him feel inferior.

He said he has hear that before......I said you are right.

Sad part is this time I am SO DONE with the fighting and arguing and nagging. I just want to get along - like I know we can. 

I reminded him that a few weeks ago we had like 4 or 5 good weeks together...lots of laughs, smiles and a much lighter feeling in the house - why, because i kept my big mouth shut....then I try to have a conversation....and I ask him to leave because I am so frustrated.....

We did a couple of texts last night where he helped me with some DMV issues....but I will not contact him at all today.

He said he will be here Saturday...but not sure if he is planning on staying or not...but I am not asking. 

This just sucks.....I wish I kept my big mouth shut.


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## 82Baby (Jan 18, 2013)

@ Workingatit, I'm in a similar situation right now with my husband. He moved out over 2 weeks ago; however, we have not communicated since. I did it all, begging, texting , emails, etc... He ignored all. People have told me to give him his space, but its easier said then done. I came to realize that the more you try to reach out the further you are going to push them away and the more hurt you will be. Its hard, but this is what had to be done. What I'm doing now is just praying and speaking to positive people to uplift my spirit. When your husband is ready, he will come around. Just respect his decision and give him the space he thinks he needs. Good Luck!!!


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## workingatit (Nov 13, 2012)

Well, I was the one who asked him to leave. Admittedly a dumb jump the gun move based on frustration.....

He did say back in October he wanted a divorce, but did nothing about it and was still here until earlier this week when I asked him to leave. Although his words said one thing, his actions always made me think he was unsure of what he wanted. He even showed signs of making some effort to not get divorced, but I missed those signs.

I feel good that he is not ignoring me. 

I have no intention at all of contacting him today. I really have no reason to. 

I also felt good when he actually CARED about who I was on the phone with the other night....I feel if you really are that dead set we are done you would not give a **** who I was on the phone with.

He will be here tomorrow - when he left Wednesday he said it would be to pick up clothes and see our daughter, but hope he will stay. I think he is in a hotel right now which is something we cannot really afford.

.....but I am doing for me and my daughter....I am not wallowing any more in self pity --- actually I do not think I have cried in almost 36 hours....I am seeing a therapist to help me and today...I just might head over to the county college and sign up for a class or two....

I want to save my marriage more than anything....I knew we had issues, but we always got along OK - we just have a communication issue and some pent up anger that needs to be forgiven. (more so on me.....)......

But I am going to go on......I am not giving up.....but am not holding on too tight either......


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