# prostitute hell



## sham1024 (Apr 30, 2012)

I found out 2 weeks ago that my husband of 20yrs had been leading a secret life for the last 15yrs of our marriage. He came home from a business trip to California with flu like symptoms. I took care of him for 2 days and he went to the doctor. Unknown to me he told the doctor he needed an HIV test. He confessed to me before he got the results that he had been with a prostitute and now thought he had HIV. He then told me this has been going on for 15yrs and started when I was pregnant with our 3rd child. It happens on business trips, but 1 time I went on vacation for 3 weeks without him to visit family and he had a prostitute from craigslist in our house in our bed. My world is completely destroyed, my kids are devastated, He does not have HIV, and I have moved out of the house. I have been completely faithful to him, I work, take care of our kids and our home. We had ups and downs, he said it happened if I was being mean to him. I feel so much shame and anxiety, I dont know what I did to make this happen, how will I ever trust again. I never suspected a thing or found anything weird. He wants us to stay together, I am scared to be alone, as I will be 50 this year. I feel like such a loser.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

You're not a loser. You're someone who burned by a bad person.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

sham1024 said:


> I found out 2 weeks ago that my husband of 20yrs had been leading a secret life for the last 15yrs of our marriage. He came home from a business trip to California with flu like symptoms. I took care of him for 2 days and he went to the doctor. Unknown to me he told the doctor he needed an HIV test. He confessed to me before he got the results that he had been with a prostitute and now thought he had HIV. He then told me this has been going on for 15yrs and started when I was pregnant with our 3rd child. It happens on business trips, but 1 time I went on vacation for 3 weeks without him to visit family and he had a prostitute from craigslist in our house in our bed. My world is completely destroyed, my kids are devastated, He does not have HIV, and I have moved out of the house. I have been completely faithful to him, I work, take care of our kids and our home. We had ups and downs, he said it happened if I was being mean to him. I feel so much shame and anxiety, I dont know what I did to make this happen, how will I ever trust again. I never suspected a thing or found anything weird. He wants us to stay together, I am scared to be alone, as I will be 50 this year. I feel like such a loser.


He is the loser. It is crazy that he is now trying to blame you for his stupidity. Cheating is a choice, not a mistake and no matter what the problems in a marriage are, cheating is not the answer nor should it be condoned. Just because he did not have HIV do not overlook the fact that he willingly exposed you to any number of sexually transmitted diseases. By the way, your next stop should be a doctor to have yourself test for the full panel of STDs. Next stop - lawyer to get the scoop on what your rights are. Do not be afraid of being alone, you will not be alone. You will have your children, your family and friends there with you. The only thing missing will be the cheating husband.

Why did you move out of the house, he is the one who should have gone.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Sorry your here. 

Please don't say you're a loser, you didn't cheat he did. Not only once but for 15 years. Get legal advice and know your rights ASAP. 

Get tested for STD's as soon as you can. He may have given you a minor one without the side effects.

Also without losing any further time, expose his affair's to your/his family/friends/coworkers.


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## sham1024 (Apr 30, 2012)

I moved out when I found out about craigslist, I could not stay there any longer. I did get a complete STD screen and am negative, he said he used protection, except this last time. My friends have been amazing but are as shocked as I am. I am seeing a lawyer this week, this is all new to me and still reeling. I am seeing a therapist, and my kids will be seeing her as well. Everyone that knows him is stunned, he did not share this with anyone. I will never live in that house again, too much pain.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

How are you financially? You might want to seperate some cash from joint account into personal. If in the future he turns around 180 and tries to screw you over "again" at least you'll have some extra funds in hand.


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## TheMarriageandFamilyClini (Mar 3, 2012)

As a Marriage Counselor for The Marriage and Family Clinic in Denver, CO it's been my experience that this sort of betrayal where you had no idea anything was going on is often the worse kind to recover from because there were no signs you saw of his unfaithfulness so in recovery if you see no more signs of his unfaithfulness it will often only make you suspicious. If you really are invested in saving your marriage a professional counselor will be extremely helpful. If this is a habit of his, he will also likely need individual counseling. 

Lastly, don't be distraught about being 50. There's still life after 50. And happy life at that. Even if you're single. Be strong and courageous.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

That is a horrible story, but a very true one for so many!! I work with many white collar guys that do exactly what your husband does. 

It's a couple times a year rush............no one every suspects a thing. 

Best of luck!! I have no advice.


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

Hi

I'm so very sorry for your situation. I can empathise.

My husband hired a prostitute and also thought he had caught HIV and given it to me, as I became ill around the same time. Fortunately he was HIV negative as well.

He also blamed me for his infidelity, saying that it was my fault as I wasn't well. The truth is, he was just being plain selfish and thoughtless. I'm divorcing him now because of this and because of him being so disrespectful in the past as well. I couldn't take anymore and felt so humiliated.

It does hurt like hell but four months later, it is easier and I'm able to hold my head a bit higher and focus on my children, family and friends. I know I have made the right decision. I would always be wondering if he would do it again and because he just wanted to rug sweep by not taking responsibility, we would have never been able to recover from it.

Best wishes and feel free to PM me if you wish.

Jen


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## marriedglad (Dec 5, 2011)

You don't need to call yourself a loser, your husband is the one. You did the perfect thing by moving out, and I would suggest nothing less than divorce in this situation considering that you two had kids together, and this was going on for 15 years. 15 years is a very long time, and the fact that he didn't have any regret during all that time speaks volumes about his ethics. 

You need to stay strong both for yourself and your kids. Moving on is a difficult process, not an impossible one. It will take a few weeks, perhaps months; but you will, sooner or later, jump out of it. Keep yourself together during the legal proceedings and the therapist sessions. 

Recommending divorce is the worst advice ever, but your situation is beyond conciliation. At the same time, I also feel you should give him a chance if he earnestly regrets it - now that you and the family know about it. If he continues to put the blame on you then you, absolutely, have no obligation to live in the same house as that sick excuse of a husband. Carefully weigh your options. Only you can decide if you ever want to trust him again, or just get as far away from him as possible. 

It must be an excruciatingly painful time for you, but don't lose hope. Time heals everything. Eventually, you will find love again, and you will find the courage to trust again, God-willing. XOXO


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## Done_Trying_ 4_Ingrates (Apr 29, 2012)

Anyone who can even suggest you go back to or even consider going back to him is sick! It is one thing to know your with a cheater because then at least you can financially set yourself up while he's pigging around such as I did... but to have complete trust and have your world shattered... I am sooo sorry! He doesn't deserve a good, clean, faithful wife... He deserves to PAY


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

how horrible

you've been with someone that is a true pathological liar and incredibly dangerous to your health most of your adult life. No wonder you are in such pain.

Please do know you will be fine, you are much better off without him.


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## Poppy (Mar 14, 2012)

I am so sorry. I also discovered that my H had been having sex with prostitutes when on business. I also had no idea...and he also did not choose to stop, but got found out eventually. You need to both get tested at 3 months, 6 months and a year after the last exposure date. That is frightening, I know. I feel your pain, but you need to know that you are special and lovely and a wonderful mother and he is a troubled man. Does this need to become your trouble? No. If he wants to stop this destructive habit he needs to do it for himself and you do not need to 'fix him'. Look after yourself and your kids. Our journey has involved MC, IT and now a sex therapist. 8 months of hell. For me it was the knowledge that regardless of his issues he chose to knowingly put my health/life at risk. If he had complete disregard for me that is bad enough, but to risk my gorgeous girls growing up without a Mum..inexcusable. You do not owe him anything. I am sure you love him still deeply, but do not let the fear of being alone be your reason for staying married to him. Peace of mind is far more valuable than having a husband in your life...believe me..I am there. Message me if you like...my heart breaks for you. Hold your head high...you are worth so much more.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Unhappy2011 said:


> You said "it happened when you were being mean to him"
> 
> Care to elaborate on that more?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, "_he said_ it happened when I was being mean to him." 

Those two sentences aren't even in the same universe.

So on top of massively cheating on her innumerable times, exposing her to risk of death, and lying for nearly their entire marriage, he manages to find a way to blame this on her! Really, that pathetic excuse would be hysterically funny if someone's heart and soul (and BODY) wasn't at stake...


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## Done_Trying_ 4_Ingrates (Apr 29, 2012)

Mean to him for 15 years... sounds like a great reason to go out and spend the family expenses on disease ridden sex! That completely justifies his lack of morals-What a sicko!


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Bravo to you for moving out. And keep on moving. Away from him! 50 is nothing to be afraid of. I'd be more afraid of spending the next 25 (or more) years with this lying cheat.

And bravo to the other poster who replied on here saying that she too, was divorcing her cheating husband. Too many stick around trying to fix, when sometimes, it's just not worth fixing. Good for both of you!


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## sham1024 (Apr 30, 2012)

thank you everyone for the advice, I have a 15yr old daughter who is autistic and knew something was wrong when she was 2yrs old, it did put a strain on me as I was so worried about her I spent a lot of time getting help for her and she has been doing really well in recent years. I worked full time as an RN as well doing 12hr night shift, so I was pretty tired and not great to be around at times. I knew my husband was troubled but I thought it was his high stress job and he travelled a lot. He was very distant in the last few years, but I never found anything suspicious. My boys are 17 and 19 and have been a great support for me, they hate what their dad has done. I really focused on making any time we were all together happy and fun, but he never seemed happy. I just want to know why I still have any feelings for this person, I will have to deal with him for my kids and am trying to keep it together for them.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Not the first time I hear of someone starting an affair when they find out one of their kids is sick...my H did that with his first wife (EA). It's like they have this excuse to completely turn their back on the marriage and look outside for solace.


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## sham1024 (Apr 30, 2012)

I thought that my daughters diagnosis could be a reason, but he told me the first time, happened in Vegas when i was pregnant with my daughter and he tried to contact this person when he came home. I worked 12hr night shifts and had 2 little boys to take care of. The weird thing is he had planned a surprise cruise for us for our 20th wedding anniversary and my 50th Bday with family and friends, which we now have to cancel. He said he will do whatever it takes to fix this. I asked him many times if something was wrong, he had plenty of opportunities to tell me. He said he knew I would be angry, and tried to stop many times. We went to Miami in Feb for a weekend by ourselves, which we never did and I thought we had a great time and we needed to spend more time alone. But 4 weeks ago he was with a prostitute, even though we were intimate at least once a week. I cannot fix this anymore, I wish he told me years ago so we had a chance to get help or therapy. Its to late now, and I am lucky that I do not have an STD. The shock and pain is still raw, having to tell friends and family is very traumatic.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I would ask your lawyer if you can deduct his hooker expenses from his end of the settlement


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Wow. I am so sorry. You are doing the right thing. Hang in there.


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

OMG, my heart goes out to you. This is my fear of what my H was doing online going to sex sites, etc. He destroyed the hard drive so I would be kept in the dark! It is just horrible, uncalled for unnecessary roughness.

Don't ever be afraid to turn 50, by the way, I have posted this elsewhere but cant find it.......so this one's for you:

When I was 21, I worked at the mall in a clothing store. I didn't even have chic enough clothes to be out on the floor, so I worked in the back room and spent a lot of time steaming gowns for shows.

One day, I had the rack ready and the models manager came in to inspect. She was late40s/early50s. I will never forget her. She was easily the most gracious and beautiful woman I have seen before or since. She looked at me and said she needed a petite girl and I "would do". She taught me how to walk and turn. Throughout the following year, she also taught me how to dress.

All the girls were enamored of her. And we could not wait to someday, grow up and become a real woman, just like her. We were still awkward, girly, and easily distracted. Today I am 47 and finally feel that I have reached an age where I could even approach her level of grace and sophistication. 

You are so fortunate to have your children. My kids are older now and have been a rock of support and love. Only at this age can this gift be yours. I suggest for your 50th birthday, you buy yourself a beautiful new outfit that screams Audrey Hepburn, book a dinner date at a fancy-schmancy place and invite your friends and children. 

After your H's low behavior? You deserve a lovely life.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

The thing that seems recurring in these threads is the BS asking "Things seemed good" or "We were intimate often" or "We just had a great time together"

Men and woman are vastly different in psychology.........for most men it's about something different and has nothing to do with his happy wife and good family at home. It's a risk so many men are willing to take.

I am sure you can see that your husband didn't love any of these woman. It was just a act like going out to "eat" as hard as this is to imagine. That's how it is much of the time!!


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

OhGeesh said:


> The thing that seems recurring in these threads is the BS asking "Things seemed good" or "We were intimate often" or "We just had a great time together"
> 
> Men and woman are vastly different in psychology.........for most men it's about something different and has nothing to do with his happy wife and good family at home. It's a risk so many men are willing to take.
> 
> I am sure you can see that your husband didn't love any of these woman. It was just a act like going out to "eat" as hard as this is to imagine. That's how it is much of the time!!


This man has never loved ANY woman.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

When I first got out of college my boss had a beautiful wife and family. His wife was a stunning beauty. He watched the paper to see where wh*re houses got raided. He would wait awhile and then go there. He said they always open back up. I was in total shock when he told me this. I still have no clue how someone can rationalize this.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

ParachuteOn said:


> This man has never loved ANY woman.


I'll vehemently disagree with that statement too. Adultery is held to a much higher standard because it is hard for some people to grasp it.

There is no doubt in my mind he did love his wife. Sleeping with women here and there is a bad and very selfish choice it doesn't mean he can't love his family.

Does the alcoholic, drug abuser, pill popper, habitual gambler, wife who runs up debt on credit cards or vice a versa, do they not love their spouse either? What about all the husbands that spank it to porn multiple times a week or lust constantly, but never act do they?

Cheating sucks!! It does not mean you don't love someone it means you were selfish. A example of that is in her own words........."She didn't have a clue" he showed love all the time just had a hidden demon.

We all have vices some worse than others!! I don't deal in absolutes. Again best of luck to the OP.


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

OhGeesh said:


> We all have vices some worse than others!! I don't deal in absolutes. Again best of luck to the OP.


I don't deal in absolutes either. You have to look at the entire relationship and see how you have been treated throughout. Also is the WS stopping the behaviour and going to sex addiction therapy?

However, equating going to see prostitutes for 15 years as if it were like having an addiction to cigarettes or 'going out to eat' just doesn't wash with me. You also add that 'we all have vices' as if to justify the OP's husband's behaviour. 

Having the odd, sneaky cigarette with a glass of wine would be classed as a vice, but engaging in behaviour which could KILL the other person, or give them a disease for the rest of their lives like herpes? Having the embarrassment and humiliation of going for blood and smear tests and wondering if you will be alive in 10 years and see your children at their weddings? 

Sorry, but having a prostitute addiction, just isn't in the same territory in any sense of the word and I'm assuming you have not had personal experience of this happening to you, so I don't know how you can comment on it without much thought.

Jen


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

This is sooooo not your fault. He's a creep. I'm so glad you and your kids have decided to leave. His recklessness and willingness to endanger your family makes him totally unworthy of your faithfulness or commitment. I'm sorry for what you're going through, but I think you've made the right decision, here. Be strong.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

jen1020 said:


> Sorry, but having a prostitute addiction, just isn't in the same territory in any sense of the word and I'm assuming you have not had personal experience of this happening to you, so I don't know how you can comment on it without much thought.
> 
> Jen


I don't believe in addictions very much unless they are truly chemical (Heroin for example cigs etc). Sex addiction being one of them.......I've grown up around alcohol and drug addiction though. Which I think is more bullcrap that is another story, but I have no doubt that the people I know did love their family and that was the point I was making. Even though time and time again they blew it squandered money, jobs, futures, and both ended in divorce as this poor woman's marriage will too (it seems). It doesn't mean they didn't love their family.

The case is the same here........divorce would be my .02.


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## sham1024 (Apr 30, 2012)

I have had a couple of close friends tell me that there was no emotional attachment involved, which supposedly makes it better. If I had done this to my husband, had a bunch of one night stands while he was out of town working, in our house, He would have thrown me out of the house changed the locks, cut me off financially and kept my kids away from me. And I would deserve no less. My husband told me last night that he went to a pyschologist yesterday, he was told that he is a narcissist, I laughed and laughed, he has had only 1 session so far. Then he told me he has to go out of town on the 21st May for business. This is the person who told me he would do whatever it takes to fix this, how about not going out of town until you can control yourself. Even though he is now getting help, its because he got caught and not because its the right thing to do and should have done years ago.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

sham1024 said:


> Even though he is now getting help, its because he got caught and not because its the right thing to do and should have done years ago.


That's all there is to it.

Just putting your health at high risk is enough of a reason to D let alone multiple affair's.


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## sham1024 (Apr 30, 2012)

Going to my doctor, and having to explain why I need an STD screen and Hepatitis panel a person that I have worked with for many years is so humiliating and totally gross. I took marriage vows seriously, if you want to do this get a divorce. I wasted 20yrs with this lunatic, we were planning retirement, and our kids futures, I dont know who this person is. He was my son's role model, god help them. I asked him if the prostitutes were male or female, he said female, I really dont think he likes women and had a very bad relationship with his mother, am I paying for that.


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## TorontoBoyWest (May 1, 2012)

sham1024 said:


> Going to my doctor, and having to explain why I need an STD screen and Hepatitis panel a person that I have worked with for many years is so humiliating and totally gross. I took marriage vows seriously, if you want to do this get a divorce. I wasted 20yrs with this lunatic, we were planning retirement, and our kids futures, I dont know who this person is. He was my son's role model, god help them. I asked him if the prostitutes were male or female, he said female, I really dont think he likes women and had a very bad relationship with his mother, am I paying for that.


I understand this pain all too well. My family doctor is a nice old lady that I have seen for upwards of 30 years. She is like a second mother to me.

The day I had to ask for an STD/HIV panel I thought was perhaps the most embarrassing thing I have ever had to do. I couldn't look her in the eye. I still can't. Even though I know now that it was not my choices that led me to have to do that.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

doctors see everything, as ashamed as you feel your doctor has seen worse and isn't judging you


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Sham, three things. First, 50 is not washed up. Been there a while ago and still loving life. Second, his actions threatened your very life. If you woke up one night and he was sitting in bed pointing a gun at you, would you even hesitate to get the heck out? Third, if his therapist is correct, and he does have NPD, the results of treatment are poor. Unless you want to invest the remaining years of your life trying to deal w/ this, move on.


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## sham1024 (Apr 30, 2012)

I went to my lawyer today and filed paperwork for a divorce, I know its the right thing to do. The life I had for 20yrs is no more. Its really hard to be around my married friends, or anyone that is in love. It's very easy to say move on, its much harder to do so. I know it will be good for me in the end as there never was a real marriage to begin with. My daughter cries every night, that hurts the most. I had this crazy idea that my husband would do whatever it took to have me come back, he does not even call his kids. Are there any good books to help get through these next months, I hate burdening my friends.


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## MominMayberry (Mar 27, 2012)

OhGeesh said:


> I'll vehemently disagree with that statement too. Adultery is held to a much higher standard because it is hard for some people to grasp it.
> 
> There is no doubt in my mind he did love his wife. Sleeping with women here and there is a bad and very selfish choice it doesn't mean he can't love his family.
> 
> ...


He love his family so much that he willing to kill his wife with disease and steal the mother away from 3 children? Wow. I am amazed that you can ration this.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Aww Sham I feel for you.

You seem to be moving awfully fast. But I can understand your pain.

Lean on your friends. If they are true friends they will help hold you up.

Lean on us and vent here. 

Keep loving your kids and do not stop living yourself. You have done nothing wrong.

When you do a get a chance google "NPD" narcissistic personalityu disorder. It might help in understanding and dealing with your STBXH.

Good Luck and Stay Strong,

HM64


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## kitoptician (May 3, 2012)

My husband was arrested for soliciting an under cover police woman for prostitution while he was on the job. His employer a very distinguished company sent someone to the prison to make him remove his work uniform in front of about 50 men BYW he always went comando so you can imagine his embarrassment. Well he thought he would still have his job after this but lost his job that he had for 20 years and was like in disbelief that it happened. Then when it went to court he was outraged that the judge chastised him and court ordered him to be tested for HIV. Yeah some are just clueless.... I have been tested and thank God each day that we were not intimate for sometime before this happened. I keep getting tested just in case not just for HIV but everything. He keeps telling me that he never has been with any hookers and that it was a complete misunderstanding and that he can be trusted. I just laugh and say whatever you can tell me that but I think you have. You just got caught this time. Anyway I used to think it was me too but its NOT. Its NOT you its HIM. Dont you dare blame yourself. PM me if you ever want to talk. Hang in there and dont let his lack of control of his privates make you feel less of a person. You are a wonderful person and your children are proof.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

He is blaming you to make himself feel better. What an ass! This is no way your fault by any means. There are truly good men out there. Don't give up hope. I found one my second marriage. My first husband was unfaithful and abusive. He put all the blame on me when in fact it was his choice. Luckily I caught it early on.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

sham1024 said:


> I went to my lawyer today and filed paperwork for a divorce, I know its the right thing to do. The life I had for 20yrs is no more. Its really hard to be around my married friends, or anyone that is in love. It's very easy to say move on, its much harder to do so. I know it will be good for me in the end as there never was a real marriage to begin with. My daughter cries every night, that hurts the most. I had this crazy idea that my husband would do whatever it took to have me come back, he does not even call his kids. Are there any good books to help get through these next months, I hate burdening my friends.


Well that is a big point of a forum like this--there is always someone to lean on, someone who will listen to your story again, and who will say, what a rotten, selfish, horrible pig he has been.

One thing you will almost surely NEVER hear around this place is that "there was no emotional attachment" and so somehow that makes his actions ok. That person doesn't get it and I would never bring this topic up with them again.

Anyone who expects you to "move on" when you have years of healing ahead of you is also not someone to discuss this with. 

It is a tragedy that he seems to be unable to stay in contact with the kids.

I am also sorry that he isn't making an attempt to fight for the marriage, but only in the sense that it increases your pain and rejection. But there is clearly a lot that he never chose to share with you in his outrageous selfishness, there is an entire secret side that you never knew. Because he would not share his whole self with you, in many ways he is a stranger even though you were married for such a long time. (BTW, I've been married 15 years, known each other for 20.)


-----------------------

I don't have any good book recommendations, but I did come across this one
Amazon.com: Deceived: Facing Sexual Betrayal Lies and Secrets (9781592856985): Claudia Black Ph.D.: Books

but read the reviews first. The one thing that can hurt is that men who betray women sexually this way for such a long period of time get labelled "addicts."

The thing about the addict label is that it then carries all the language of addiction pyschology (or pseudo-psychology), complete with enabling. But obviously, there is no conceivable way that you've been an enabler if you just discovered this and you are taking the steps that you are doing. That may only be one chapter.


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## Riven (May 4, 2012)

Sham, my heart breaks for you. 

As a nurse you expect you'd see these things. I'm a RN student and worked in the hospital a lot, people like us we help people... we see things like this. My husband is an alcoholic who is recovering. I would bet your going through the same things I did... how did I not realize this? How could I be so stupid? 

I'm going to guess that by your profession, the way you describe your life, and your daughter that you have some co-dependant issues. I do. If you find yourself taking care of others but not you, please look into help for it. Do you buy clothes for your kids but not you unless you desperately need them? Do you put others first all of the time? If so there is a good chance you are. CoDependant No More is an excellent book. 

In my aftermath I've gotten my hair done, I hadn't even had my hair touched by anyone but me since I was married over 5 years ago, always cut and colored it myself. I went shopping, I bought myself dressed because I wanted to! I spend an entire day reading instead of cleaning... because I WANTED to! The number one thing you can do for you right now, is to take care of you. It will help your kids, it will help you. Go for a day at the spa. Take yourself shopping, and yes, dress yourself up and invite your friends and family for that dinner for your birthday! Ask for help! Let someone help you, let someone help with the kids, all of it. 

As for your daughter, you know the answers, it's what you do. Step back and ask what you would recommend someone else do in this situation to help her. You know her better than anyone else. I am not sure how severe her condition is. I understand that people with autism each have different levels of tolerance. Just moving from the place she has aways lived has thrown an immense wrench in her proverbial gears, it would any child. Life as she knew it is gone, she is scared. Reassure her, hold her if she likes you to hold her, reassure her that *you *are not going anywhere. 

And my dear, my mother is older than you, she is 54 this year. In the last 3 years she has quit smoking, lost 30 lbs, and is happier than I've ever remembered her. Don't be an old 50... be a young 50. This is your chance to remake your life into whatever you want it to be. I understand the pain, the betrayal, but YOU did not do this. HE did. You deserve better. You can make your life so much better. Think about the things you've wanted out of life, make them happen now while you have the chance to re-invent yourself how ever you want. I wish you the best of luck on your journey.


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## sham1024 (Apr 30, 2012)

Thanks everyone for all the positive thoughts, I think I am co dependant. I never thought of myself that way. I work in ICU and am used to making lots of decisions for my patients, and taking charge. I took care of the kids with their every need as well, I did and do put myself last, its a habit that is hard to break. I have never had the time or energy to do for myself. I would also feel guilty if I did, I put my husband's career first, even though I was the breadwinner for many years, he is doing really well now financially, and I thought he was having a midlife crisis, but this has been going on for a long time, when we had no money. I stayed home with the kids for 5 years, when he started to make more money, and it really helped my daughter. I went back to work 2yrs ago because I love my job, my kids are older and I wanted something for me. He keeps calling me, and wants to go to joint counselling, I told him I just can't do it, sometimes I find myself feeling sorry for him and wondering if I should try to make it work. Am I moving to fast, I feel so confused, between hate pity and sadness. I told him I was going ahead with filing papers, he said he wanted to work on being the husband that I wanted, is this just manipulation, I cannot believe anything he says.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

sham1024 said:


> Thanks everyone for all the positive thoughts, I think I am co dependant. I never thought of myself that way. I work in ICU and am used to making lots of decisions for my patients, and taking charge. I took care of the kids with their every need as well, I did and do put myself last, its a habit that is hard to break. I have never had the time or energy to do for myself. I would also feel guilty if I did, I put my husband's career first, even though I was the breadwinner for many years, he is doing really well now financially, and I thought he was having a midlife crisis, but this has been going on for a long time, when we had no money. I stayed home with the kids for 5 years, when he started to make more money, and it really helped my daughter. I went back to work 2yrs ago because I love my job, my kids are older and I wanted something for me. He keeps calling me, and wants to go to joint counselling, I told him I just can't do it, sometimes I find myself feeling sorry for him and wondering if I should try to make it work. Am I moving to fast, I feel so confused, between hate pity and sadness. I told him I was going ahead with filing papers, he said he wanted to work on being the husband that I wanted, is this just manipulation, I cannot believe anything he says.


First, to be co-dependent, you actually have to KNOW that someone has an addiction of some kind. I realize that it's not healthy, in general, to do way too much for another adult, but you did it out of faithfulness and love. You assumed he would have your back if you needed him, the way you had his--right?

On the subject of him wanting to go to counseling--

if it were me, the part that would do me in is that he consciously exposed you to the potential of catching a serious disease for a very long time. Chlamydia can render a woman sterile. HPV can give her cervical cancer. Syphillis can make you insane. HIV....I mean, these are not little rashes that you treat with an ointment from the corner drugstore.

Did you see a new thread, 'serial cheaters'? In it someone posted a quote about how frequently serial cheaters are narcissists. Not very surprising. But the part I spotted that intrigued me was that narcissists often beg for their marriage because they can't bear any rejection. So no matter how you slice it, it's still...ALL about THEM.


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## The Lurker (May 11, 2012)

Just wanted to say sorry you are going through this and to hang in there.


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## sham1024 (Apr 30, 2012)

My kids took me to brunch today for Mother's day, I found out my husband paid for brunch. I think he got the papers from my lawyer on Friday, I am not sure how to deal with him now. I asked him to text me instead of phone calls, because I would just get so angry. He still wants me to see his counseler, I will go to hear his take on the situation, but feel this marriage was over the day I found out his secrets. Is this just the narcissist trying to control everything.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

sham1024 said:


> My kids took me to brunch today for Mother's day, I found out my husband paid for brunch. I think he got the papers from my lawyer on Friday, I am not sure how to deal with him now. I asked him to text me instead of phone calls, because I would just get so angry. He still wants me to see his counseler, I will go to hear his take on the situation, but feel this marriage was over the day I found out his secrets. Is this just the narcissist trying to control everything.


By coincidence this morning I read a footnote in Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass and didn't expect to trot it out quite so soon.

On page 394 she mentions an international survey of recovering sex addicts 'partners, entitled Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity by Jennifer P. Schneider, Deborah M. Corley, and Richard R. Irons, 1998 (I wonder if there are more studies that are newer). Anyhow, the study involved 82 sex addicts. It said what we discuss so often here on the forum, that "[h]ealing was achieved most easily when initial disclosure included all major elements of the acting-out behaviors but avoided the 'gory details.'"

How did you experience his disclosure? I had the impression it was the whole thing at once. Or am I mistaken about that--was it denials, some truth came out, more denials, more truth comes out, etc.?

I know Poppy's husband (he was frequenting international prostitutes in Asia numerous times, and his online porn addiction) trickle-truthed to the bitter end, with her now doubting based on the sex therapist's advice that he was ever faithful to her while in Asia (which triggers a new round of STD testing for her). 

While no one would blame you for wanting to end your relationship with him forever, and no one so far (including me for sure) is advocating getting back together with him, this may be a factor for you to consider, whether he has come entirely clean all at once, or not. 

The enormity of his betrayal, however, seems impossible for you to overcome, personally I can't imagine getting past it but only you know what you can, or can't, live with.


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## sham1024 (Apr 30, 2012)

He told me everything and some details in one hour, I still don't know if that is everything, but I could only hear so much and when I asked him for more he said there was no more. It was at least 8 encounters on business trips for last 15yrs, but 1 took place at our house when I went out of town 2yrs ago.


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## Ben Connedfussed (May 4, 2012)

Totally startled, as I am to say! What goes on with our society? I am in a state of 'limbo' but with this info... MAKE A DECISION!!! Stay and forgive, or release and start to live...AGAIN !!!


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## sham1024 (Apr 30, 2012)

My MIL called to wish me a happy mother's day and said her son feel's so much better now he got everything off his chest. I told her that destroying a marriage and the STD risks and damage to his kids were so that he can sleep at night, what a man.


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## Poppy (Mar 14, 2012)

So I am indeed 9 months into this nightmare and even now I am finding things out. Asked him in therapy on Friday whether he had ever gone to the same prostitute more than once. The answer was yes...therefore another lie uncovered. I also had it spelled out to me that he had a certain 'look' he went for....so bearing in mind he was going with hookers from the Phillippines, Thailand, and Indonesia..they were NOTHING like me. I am 39, 5 foot 7, weigh 129 pounds, not Asian and do not look like a 12 year old!!!! The only thing in common with his 'look' would be that I have long black hair. Does this make me feel good?? No, it makes me feel horrible and that he chose them over and over again and not just once makes me feel even worse. Got to my breaking point on Friday evening and left the house and went to the movies on my own....but was tortured every time I saw an Asian female in the mall...and there were alot of them. Will I feel like this forever? I guess your husband told you everything in the space of an hour...WOW...that is good, but the knowledge is painful regardless. You are filing for divorce and I applaud you. My head says run for your life...especially the more I read about NPD and consider all he has done, but he left Asia, changed his job, works from home twice a week, is not travelling or going out after work and takes full responsibility. Can I live with what he has done? Probably not, but clearly I am not there yet. I am so proud of you though.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Poppy, of course I also thought of you when I read about that study.

The essense of that study seems to be, that if your spouse lies to you repeatedly about the extent of the addiction and they ways in which you were betrayed, it was extremely difficult to recover trust.

But, you already knew that...


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## JuliaP (Mar 21, 2011)

My god..... speechless. This man could've passed an life threatening disease to you and possibly your unborn child. You are doing the right thing leaving. 

Good luck!


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## sham1024 (Apr 30, 2012)

I wish I knew about NPD years ago, my husband was extremely selfish and it had been getting worse. He had very little down time but made sure he spent as little time as possible with us. He is a workaholic and spent many vacations taking conference calls and taking work with him. He had an alcoholic father who was extremely abusive to him and a mother that was absent a lot. Both of his parents had affairs on each other. I knew this when I met him, and thought I could take care of him and make up for his bad childhood. He was very kind and attentive to me until we started to have a family, I did not have the time to cater to his needs, my kids always come first. I have read a lot about NPD and he has very classic signs, I am a codpendent partner, who chose to focus on the good and deny the bad. I had low self esteem and put his needs before my own. I did whatever I could to have a stable family, I feel like I have failed in that area. I did not ask him what these women looked like, I could not bear the response. He was so cold when he told me about each encounter, Like he enjoyed watching me fall apart. I knew he was selfish but did not know how cruel and heartless he was.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I think you are taking on way more than your share. I too criticize myself for how I was as a spouse and the things I did that made my marriage vulnerable. But at the end of the day, every adult makes their own stupid selfish choices. No one held a gun to the head of your intelligent, educated, professionally successful spouse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sham1024 (Apr 30, 2012)

I do go over the last 15yrs of our marriage over and over again, I try to remember what was going on with us when he did these deeds. So I am still at the point of was it something I did or did'nt do. I know it makes no sense, my friends and family bring me back to reality, its what I need to hear. He tells me what I want to hear, but I know in my heart that we will never be the same after this. Even if he is truly sorry and never does this again, I have to protect myself and my kids, its a scary world out there, to be alone after 20yrs with a man who I thought had our best interest's at heart. I find that the longer we are apart, the pain and hurt lessens. I know that change is going to be good for me, not him.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Here's a thought. Maybe you want to share some blame because you want to find a reason to forgive him. You don't want to give up on the marriage, after all.

If it were me, and I was thinking about R, I'd get a copy of that sex addict study and anything else about recovering sexual addicts I could get my hands on.

You need to coldy, clinically assess his problem. You cannot be operating via emotional reactions.

He used sex with prostitutes as an escape. Perhaps it was a coping mechanism. Perhaps it filled an emptiness inside him that's been there since before you met. Perhaps it really is just a powerful compulsion, that he thoroughly enjoyed, like smoking cigarettes.

I'm not going to go on and on about how you had nothing to do with his addiction because it's just the simple truth, and you already know it.

The fundamental issue is, *can he stop*. If you think he can stop, if you think he can change, and if you still have some love left and want to make it work--that is ok. It is YOUR life. Don't pay any attention to people who say "well, **I** could never forgive him."

There simply is no way to know if he can stop, except to try and see. 

But if you know deep down that you do not want to risk your physical health to find out if he can stop, then tell him you must let him go.

What does your counselor say when you tell them you are trying to figure out how you were to blame?


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## sham1024 (Apr 30, 2012)

my counselor tells me he is an adult and he made the choice to go outside the marriage, which I should take no blame for. I need to work on myself, why am I more concerned with his feelings than my own. She says that I need to take my time and it will be my decision alone. We never communicated well in our marriage, now we have been forced to deal with issues, that I did not know about. My husband for the first time maybe ever, has been forced to confront demons that only he knows why he did what he did. He is being honest for the first time in his life, but I think it's too late for me. I still have to deal with him as the father of my kids, and hope that if he gets help he will not hurt them anymore.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

good counselor


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> good counselor


I agree.


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## Formerly Clueless (Jun 20, 2013)

I am in such a similar situation. I found evidence - after years of wondering - that my husband of 15 years has been seeing prostitutes. He even flew them in from other parts of the country - I have no idea how he met them. 

How I found out - Mother's Day, unloading the weekly Sam's Club take from his car. We were all at it together, him, me, the kids. I saw a bag from a local department store and thought, "wow, he actually bought me a gift" - which is unusual. After hours and no giant surprise, I checked the trunk and the bag myself (thinking how terrible I am to do so) - and got the surprise of my life - two silk scarves and a bottle of CVS Personal Lube (already opened). 

When I asked him about it, he asked me if I had put it there to "frame" him. I said no, and decided to nail his coffin by asking did he think our children had hidden it there - and he said "maybe." My disgust must have shocked him, because he suddenly got quiet. I asked him about his credit card bills - which I never have seen. I asked for the passwords to his accounts, which I had always wondered about - I had no idea what kind of bills he had. They weren't much, but certainly the months in which things were tight here and during which he hectored me were months in which is flew skanks (I can attest to the fact that they were hags because I researched them thoroughly - my stupid husband had to buy them airline tickets using their legal names). He also spent hundreds of dollars each month on cheap hotels (God, can I ever see the name Motel 6, Studio 6, Super 8, Crosslands, or Quality Suites again without feeling as if I have been stabbed?). 

Finally, he brought me into our room and told me he had an addiction to certain kinds of sex. Anal, and he likes to tie them up. I don't know the extent of this fetish because he is giving me few details. He said he had been hiring girls, and I asked him - because money has been such an issue in our marriage, supposedly because I spend so much because I buy my growing boys nice shoes and make sure their pants are long enough (Okay, and I get my hair colored and keep myself maintained so that I can socialize with our country club friends). He said that the girls only cost him $50 - but I know this can't be true - who flies from another part of the country for $50??? Plus, I used to see SO MUCH CASH in his wallet - I think he was letting friends play at the country club who weren't members, taking their cash, and using it for his habit. Our bill at the club became overwhelming - we couldn't pay it and my son lost his spot on the high school golf team because of it (they have to maintain a minimal membership, but our bill was so high that they refused - rightfully, btw - to give it to us). I had no clue why the bill had gotten so big or why it hadn't been paid for months before our membership was canceled. 

Background: 13 years ago, I came home and found an instant message from someone with a sexy name. It only said, "Hey there." I was bothered, but ignored it because, quite frankly, that kind of thing used to happen - it happened to me at work and at home. I later found an email from some "friend" who was offering "Nacy's phone number" - and a picture of a skanky girl in a sports bra. Later, a check-cashing service called the house and tried to verify a check - the girl said it was for modeling. I want to say this was in 2008, but my father was dying and I was on 24-hour care duty - I honestly don't remember. He said he had written a check to his loser sister (who is a loser) and that this Nacy person had written it over to herself (the check did have the original recipient crossed out - couldn't see the name - and Nacy was written in her place. 

He said that she had modeled for him but that he hadn't been able to do it - which of course I don't believe. He said he would be perfect, and of course, now I know he wasn't. 

When I found the evidence on Mother's Day, I asked him for the money to pay the club, and he paid it and all the other fees needed for the kids' sports. I asked him to sign a post-nup that signs the house and 50% of his business to me - plus all property taxes, insurance, and $5000 per month in alimony, which goes up to $7500 if he cheats again. My lawyer is excellent - but it all kind of depends on whether my husband gets arrested on a porn site, a Craigslist site (I have a feeling he has evolved into more hardcore stuff, but I don't KNOW anything about the language of this world), or just devolves into loserdom. I left my career, at his insistence. to raise our kids. I asked for all of his passwords, but he said his old yahoo, gmail, msn, and other accounts have been deleted, so I really have no proof.

All of what I asked, he has done. We have gone to counseling, and he has done everything required. We have gone out, we have had STD testing, he has turned over the finances to me. He calls me multiple times a day and I have access by computer to his whereabouts. 

A blessing and a curse - I have become obsessive and hyper-vigilant - and I don't know whether this is worth the effort. He says he loves me and he wants his wife and family - but is this just until the next time? He is a computer guy and will always be able to outwit me on ways to cheat - one note - VOIP on iPhone so his phone numbers can't be tracked. Moreover, my imagination of the "horrible" things he wants to do with these people may make it difficult for me to ever have a happy sex life with him.

I am almost paralyzed - can he be helped? would I even be able to get over it? my kids are almost up and out and I can certainly see a life for myself if I kicked him to the curb.

Please - any advice/support - I would be so grateful. 

It does seem sort of weird that some of the girls on the side banner on this site seem to be some of the same ones that I saw on sex websites trying to research my husband's preferences.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

My husband did the same thing. D-Day 1 was one week before my 40th birthday. (My kids were 7 and 5). D-Day 2 was two weeks before my 45th birthday.

I knew there would be a D-Day 2 and I didn't really care. I refused and still refuse to have sex with my husband. I am repulsed about all the skanky, stinky, diseased *****s over that many years,,(over 10 years) he has been with. 

The very same day as D-Day one, all respect I had for him was gone in an instant. I told him he would never touch me again and all I asked for was two years while I finished school. 

He seemed ok with it and he spiraled into the sex everywhere with anyone once again. I thought I could finish school and get a better job and I would have custody of our kids because of his behavior. 

Before the two years of my schooling was up, I saw he sent his picture to a women that included my two young children and that was the last straw. I was so upset that he was showing these ****s pictures of my children that I was driving while upset and was in a pretty bad accident.

I am still not divorced but really close to being physically well to do so. My children are young teens and are not aware of the situation. We are not affectionate but civil. But before too long my kids will figure it out.

Please divorce this highly reckless person if not for you, for the sake of your children. This is unacceptable behavior in a marriage and you should lead your children's future by example.

Right now your kids see you as strong and your husband as weak. KEEP IT THAT WAY SO THEY CAN LEARN WHAT NOT TO DO OR PUT UP WITH IN A RELATIONSHIP.
:banhim::banhim::banhim:


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

He did this not you. He is the one with a problem, unfortunately he has made it a family problem.


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## Formerly Clueless (Jun 20, 2013)

I agree that he did it - even he admits that there is no excuse for his behavior and it had nothing to do with me. He apparently had some sort of bondage experiment according to the argument we had last night. I don't understand the extend and don't really know if I care. 

That said, I am waiting for the final version of the post-nup, which gives me a great deal more security than I would get under state law. I am trying to move slowly. 

Do I love him? I love who I thought he was. I certainly don't want to live my life in this strange half-hell, always wondering first off how long he did this and second how long will it be before he does it again.


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