# Sex and separation



## al_in_al (Feb 4, 2009)

Anyone have any thoughts on sex (with your spouse) during a separation?

My husband and I have been separated for 2 (and a half) weeks now. He left me to try to figure out things for himself, got his own apartment, and took some of his things. Married 4.5 years, no kids. We've been exchanging emails, but I've been trying to leave him alone.

We've had sex twice since he left. The first was after a casual activity. He was torn about doing it (didn't want to hurt/confuse me), I was for it. The second was last night, after we had exchanged a bunch of emails (pertaining to our relationship, but mostly about sex). He was still torn, and I told him that as long as he was interested in rebuilding the relationship, I thought that sex couldn't hurt. I didn't expect that he would move back in the next day. I'm in favor of living apart for a while, but starting to date slowly and building a "fresh" relationship. I think sex IS inappropriate if he has already decided on divorce. So he asked to come over.

I didn't mention it to him, but I'd rather he have sex with me than seek it out from someone else. But I'm doing it for my own enjoyment, not just to win him back, or keep him from someone else.

So, anyone have experience with this? Good idea? Bad idea? I know I felt pretty good all day today...


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Of course it's a good idea!

So was the sex the only thing that worked properly before the separation? Tell us about the sex...


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I don't think there are any issues if you both consent. Hell, what better way is there to reconnect?

Do you know if he is pursuing another relationship? That changes up the perspective some. Again, as long as the act is not doing more damage than good, you are free to make whatever decisions you choose.


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## al_in_al (Feb 4, 2009)

> So was the sex the only thing that worked properly before the separation?


Actually, he was unsatisfied with our sex life. Things have improved on my end over the last year, but I don't think he was convinced that it would stay that way. Here's my original thread with slightly more detail: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/3985-never-thought-i-d-here.html



> Do you know if he is pursuing another relationship?


I haven't asked him, but it seems to me that he is not pursuing another relationship. I do think he was having an emotional affair, but the way he has acted towards me recently has convinced me that it was not physical, and will not become physical.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

al_in_al said:


> I always told him that he lack of drive was all related to me and not to him. He was my first and only boyfriend (I know, not ideal) and the only man I've ever really desired sexually. Of course he thinks that I never desired him at all, which I know isn't true.


Ok, I got the above from your other thread. As I alluded to in my thread here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-term-success-marriage/3010-20-years-august-married-18-years.html This was an issue for me. We had regular sex, but I felt I could have been just anyone. She never gave the impression of finding me sexy. When the full realisation of it hit me, I fantasised about moving on. (I knew plenty of women would find me effortlessly attractive and hot). Instead, I screamed at her about how disgusted I felt. Things got better 

It took me 18 years to understand and then articulate what I felt. And obviously, due to the fact that we have always had quite a good relationship, there were days where the sex was quite good.

It sounds like your husband has a problem expressing himself. I never had that problem, but finding the right words is always difficult.

Show him how hot you think he is. Touch him up, tell him you fancy his arse! If that was what was lacking, it will soon take affect. But remember, because of the "too little too late" syndrome, you have to keep doing it over and over again until he gets the message. The pair of you are what I call out of sync: Are You Out Of Sync?


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