# How often do you guys fight?



## jnyu44 (Feb 13, 2012)

How often to you fight with your wife? Little bickering to full fledged arguments...whatever you want to shed light on for the rest of the group. 

We have unpleasant arguments (silent treatment + scowl anywhere from 1 to several hours) at least 3-5 times a week.

We have big ones where we both lose control and things are thrown (tables, chairs, etc.) probably twice a year.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Never


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Thound said:


> Never


Same here....we never fight...and I am being serious. Maybe it is our personalities? I don't know. Neither one of us wants to argue. 

We just try to communicate well, and we always treat each other with respect.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

I have never in my life thrown something in anger. The idea is just foreign to me, how in the world could that possibly help? We don't yell at each other either, no name-calling, and the silent treatment is childish and destructive so those are also a never. 

I can't imagine my husband doing something that would incite me to this kind of behavior? Was this kind of anger modeled for you as a child? 

Honestly my husband doesn't really do anything that makes me that angry. He's been leaving stuff out for over twenty years, but I've made my peace with that. Even when sex was a big issue for us my husband never yelled at me, ever.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* To begin with, please let me say that I am the consumate laid-back guy who rarely ever wants to fight unless I am just totally driven up against the proverbial wall. I just don't and never have had a psychological penchant for fighting with a spouse, or with any person for that matter, without just cause!

The first Mrs Arb was and is, IMHO, bi-polar! Fighting was greatly her norm, until I extricated myself out from under it when she had her affair at her job. But she continued to treat our boys the same way, until they bolted as teens to come live with me!

Mrs Arb No. 2(Rich, skanky XW) and I rarely ever fought, as she was pretty much like I was in that regard. But when we did engage, it was largely back when she had her clandestine BF's. I theorize that she started these arguments primarily to create distance between us and also to occasionally move up her travel schedule(supposedly for book shows and horses), just to get away from home to travel off and go see them, just leaving the home and the ranch chores to me, which I obligingly did and was more than happy to do! 

But the fight's that she started was literally over some of the most lame and minute things that you could ever dream of! All while I was being a classic dupe husband!*


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Whenever it is needed. I think fight is defined differently by different people.

To me, any conflict is a "fight." And I believe in resolving conflict. Ideally we could just talk calmly, but sometimes voices are raised, and sometimes I use bad words and call names. He does not.

I think it would be good for me to learn better anger management. And it would be good for dh to really think about the things that set me off. We are in this _together._


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

We've been together 25 years.... so far.... once.


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## jnyu44 (Feb 13, 2012)

Giro flee said:


> I have never in my life thrown something in anger. The idea is just foreign to me, how in the world could that possibly help? We don't yell at each other either, no name-calling, and the silent treatment is childish and destructive so those are also a never.
> 
> I can't imagine my husband doing something that would incite me to this kind of behavior? Was this kind of anger modeled for you as a child?
> 
> Honestly my husband doesn't really do anything that makes me that angry. He's been leaving stuff out for over twenty years, but I've made my peace with that. Even when sex was a big issue for us my husband never yelled at me, ever.


I'm the guy. I've never thrown stuff in any relationship prior to this one. The argument escalates and she won't stop even if I ask her to. That's when I can't control myself and will throw stuff to get the energy out. 

It's really a tidal wave of anger that just acts for you. It can be avoided by not escalating arguments. I try to walk away but she follows me. She's locked me out when I physically left. 

This anger was modeled to her in the past. Her mother has used a knife to stab at the door when my wife locked her out of her own room. She's beat her own head and says very nasty stuff to my wife implying she's ugly and worthless. My wife has learned some of that behavior and is frequently very nasty towards me. 

Is it wrong to not take the moral high ground (so much easier said than done)? I want her to understand what it feels like to be around someone who's always scowling, slamming stuff, throwing stuff, etc. so I do the same. What started out as a lesson has turned into bad habits. 

I absolutely don't want to live the rest of my life being the punching bag and walking on eggshells which is why I fight back. But what do you do when your wife isn't someone you can reason with? Not everyone has the option to "communicate." 

I figure try to be a leader: don't insist on getting the last word, don't yell, don't scowl, don't throw stuff, be willing to take more s***...but I wish I could convey to you guys just how hard that can be.


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## jnyu44 (Feb 13, 2012)

Also, I wasn't clear.

By fight, I don't necessarily mean physical fights. I mean altercations, silent treatment, arguments, etc.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

jnyu44 said:


> I figure try to be a leader: don't insist on getting the last word, don't yell, don't scowl, don't throw stuff, be willing to take more s***...but I wish I could convey to you guys just how hard that can be.


First of all, congrats on coming here and seeking help. And congrats on willing to be the mature one, the leader in the relationship. Someone has to be, and I am glad to see you are willing to take the responsibility.

Are you familiar with active listening? A very simplified way to do it is to just repeat back to your spouse what she is saying. But you have to be sincere, and really trying to understand her. Instead of defending yourself, or trying to give her information, you just stop what you are doing, look at her, and really try to understand her. 

When you are repeating back what she says, you can also paraphrase, and include her feelings in there. "You seem angry right now. You feel really frustrated with me," things like that. The idea is to help her feel understood and listened to. This tends to calm people down.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

jnyu44 said:


> I'm the guy. I've never thrown stuff in any relationship prior to this one. The argument escalates and she won't stop even if I ask her to. That's when I can't control myself and will throw stuff to get the energy out.
> 
> It's really a tidal wave of anger that just acts for you. It can be avoided by not escalating arguments. I try to walk away but she follows me. She's locked me out when I physically left.
> 
> ...


My reaction to such anger was always a complete withdrawal into myself, fear and detachment from the moment. That is how I grew up and I would never model that behavior for my kids much less put myself through that much drama. Of course I was a child then and now a much smaller person than my husband.

It sounds like anger management for your wife is a must, taking that kind of abuse is not right. It sounds like you have already learned that retaliating does not solve the problem, it escalates the fight and you harm yourself by sinking to those levels. You do not have to accept this treatment, we all deserve better.

For my own family I always remove myself from their house if any voices start to raise. If you had a to go bag in your vehicle I would leave each and every time anger gets out of control until these tendencies are turned around.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

jnyu44 said:


> Also, I wasn't clear.
> 
> By fight, I don't necessarily mean physical fights. I mean altercations, silent treatment, arguments, etc.


I would not do any silent treatments. If I were you, I would try to find some way of dealing with the frustration that does not involve alienating her. She needs to be able to count on you, because she cannot count on herself. 

If you can be that person she can rely on, she will likely be able to get better about relying on herself (calming herself and talking with you reasonably).


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I hear you, Giro, but he is a man. I think it makes sense for you what you do, but I think he needs to be more proactive. It makes sense to me for a woman to defend and protect herself, like you do, by leaving when it may seem to be getting violent. 

But I think for this man, his wife gets more upset when he tries to leave. She may be afraid of abandonment. I think his leaving just escalates those feelings in her. I think that the active listening could calm her, and he would not even need to leave the room.

I really think that these things need to be handled differently, depending on whether it is a man or woman we are talking about.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

I don't care if you are a man or a woman, if you feel your anger is out of control you need to remove yourself from the conflict. If you feel like you can hold it together then by all means try deep breathing, active listening, whatever tools you can to calm down the other person. 

I'm not sure if his wife has abandonment issues or if she has control issues. My mother would go into full meltdown when she couldn't control people. She sure wasn't afraid of being abandoned. There is no way to calm her other than give her what she wants or leave her to her tantrum. She refuses all requests for her to get help.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

jnyu44 said:


> How often to you fight with your wife? Little bickering to full fledged arguments...whatever you want to shed light on for the rest of the group.
> 
> We have unpleasant arguments (silent treatment + scowl anywhere from 1 to several hours) at least 3-5 times a week.
> 
> We have big ones where we both lose control and things are thrown (tables, chairs, etc.) probably twice a year.



My wifee and I usually never have big fights and we've never thrown anything around either.

Only times we get distant and have small fights over silly things, is when her sex drive is low, doesn't see it as an issue, week after week and I pull back, don't talk to her or do much with her in response. My needs aren't being met, so eventually her needs won't be met either. Can't have your cake and eat it too, not with me anyway. But when the sex is 3x week, it's enough for me not to get stressed from life, we do things together and talk often and never have little fights over silly things. Sex bonds us together more than words and doing things together will ever do.

My 2 cents for what its worth.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I won't call it a fight per se, but we do have minor disagreements from time to time. We run a business together so we're allways in each other presence , making and taking decisions more than the average couple.

[ That's why my wife likes her vacations with her girlfriends, and i tend to encourage her.] 

But I can't really tell the average amount of times , because most time as soon as it happens , it is either resolved or just overlooked and forgotten.

In our almost two decades of marriage , we've NEVER raised our voices at each other in an argument, called each other names , hit each other or throw object at each other in anger or smash objects , punch the wall , slam the doors etc.

If I get very angry, I usually just tell her I'm going for a walk or something and leave for a while till I reason out things in my head.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Giro flee said:


> I'm not sure if his wife has abandonment issues or if she has control issues.


That's interesting, the idea of her trying to control him. Is she able to?

And I agree that if he cannot control his anger, it is better for him to leave the room.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

If she throws a big tantrum to get what she wants then she is controlling him through her anger. It's possible that she doesn't want him to leave because then she can't "win" the argument. 

Men and women can both try to control and manipulate their partners with anger. They may or may not be doing it intentionally, either way everybody needs to learn self control.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Giro flee said:


> If she throws a big tantrum to get what she wants then *she is controlling him through her anger.* It's possible that she doesn't want him to leave because then she can't "win" the argument.
> 
> Men and women can both try to control and manipulate their partners with anger. They may or may not be doing it intentionally, either way everybody needs to learn self control.


Isn't he choosing to respond this way?

I have tantrums, too. Dh waits them out. He doesn't respond with anger, at least not visibly. He uses active listening and patience. I come around.

And honestly, he knows that if he had not provoked me, in our case, by his lack of attention, there would not have been the tantrum in the first place. He said once, "If there is a tantrum, someone is not listening."


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

Nobody should have to stand there while their spouse yells, curses, or throws things at them. That is not healthy. Not for women or men. Plenty of people count on the fact that others will back down or give in if they are just loud and hurtful enough. That's why fights escalate.

If OP can find a way to calm his wife that's great but he shouldn't have to stand there and just listen to verbal abuse because he's a man. Men do have feelings.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

We have some kind of conflict a few times a year. We never have the kinds of fights described in the OP.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Once a year maybe! Even then it's more like a disagreement not a yelling screaming fight.

The yelling or throw a profanity happens maybe once every 5 years usually by her. I don't think I've ever yelled at my wife even the kids it's a handful of times in 20 years.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Giro flee said:


> Nobody should have to stand there while their spouse yells, curses, or throws things at them. That is not healthy. Not for women or men. Plenty of people count on the fact that others will back down or give in if they are just loud and hurtful enough. That's why fights escalate.
> 
> If OP can find a way to calm his wife that's great but he shouldn't have to stand there and just listen to verbal abuse because he's a man. Men do have feelings.


I think they escalate because of lack of understanding. 

Emotions are trying to tell us something. I am not justifying throwing chairs, or physical violence, but something like screaming is like a notice we get in the mail. If we keep throwing the mail notices in the recycling, we are not going to prevent a real problem. Better to open the letter and read what it says, and try to act on it, and thus avoid a big problem.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

jnyu44 said:


> How often to you fight with your wife? Little bickering to full fledged arguments...whatever you want to shed light on for the rest of the group.
> 
> We have unpleasant arguments (silent treatment + scowl anywhere from 1 to several hours) at least 3-5 times a week.
> 
> We have big ones where we both lose control and things are thrown (tables, chairs, etc.) probably twice a year.


3-5 times a week???

What could you possibly fight about so much. I'm not much for fighting so rarely....maybe once a year but minus the silent treatment and scowl part.

But I really do want to know. What do you fight about so often? Is it the same fight over and over?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I'm single and have at least one serious argument with myself nearly every day. So far I've come out with a new set of camping & backpacking equipment, but on the other hand had to agree to put max of self-employment income into retirement fund and try to work 30 hours a week. 

No matter if you are partnered or single, there are always going to be decisions to make. If you were single, you would just internalize the argument. Being a couple, you can externalize it, but really, the argument and discussion is always there.

I left a pile of dishes in the sink tonight. But there is a carrot cake in the oven and homemade pizza made with leftovers for kids' lunches tomorrow. It was a draw. "Someone" will do the dishes in the morning. 

That's just the tip of the iceberg around here. On the surface, it's fairly peaceful, but inside my head, boy oh boy, try arguing with yourself, you can never really win...


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> 3-5 times a week???
> 
> What could you possibly fight about so much. I'm not much for fighting so rarely....maybe once a year but minus the silent treatment and scowl part.
> 
> But I really do want to know. What do you fight about so often? Is it the same fight over and over?


I was thinking the same thing. That sounds like a very volatile relationship!

Hubby and I rarely argue. We never raise our voices at each other and there's never any name calling. There's a lot of respect in our home. We both insist on it.

Usually it starts with me getting upset about something, I'll try to talk and feel like he's not listening (sometimes rightly, sometimes not) so I'll try again and we pretty much resolve whatever it is and move on. And we always aim for a win-win solution. 

Hubby's first marriage was fiery and volatile - his ex is a yeller and screamer and he used to cop it a lot. My ex partner was abusive and used the silent treatment and name calling/put downs to keep me in line. Both hubby and I wanted different for our relationship.

Our home and relationship is very peaceful, our sanctuary


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

frusdil said:


> Our home and relationship is very peaceful, our sanctuary


Same here. I think it comes from the example that our parents gave us when growing up. Our home life was always loving, respectful, and non confrontational. We were taught to listen, and be respectful even if we didn't agree with someone else. We always had manners, chores, and great communication. Our home was very peaceful then, and it is now as well.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

I really respect the OP that was brave enough to start this thread. When I first saw it....I wanted to respond right away...but stopped to think it through....The word fight is what was indifferent. Fighting is executed on many levels. For example, my parents fought at least once a week, they would throw glasses, plants, and wall phones (remember the ones with the long cord) at each other. They would always throw out the "D" word. My Dad is very successful in Pharmacy medicine and my mom in Hospital Administration. I only share that because very intelligent people are not always common sense people.

I thought about this very long and hard....it sounds like a lot of couples that responded here really don't fight (argue). I would prefer to use the term argue...fighting can be very violent....and I wondered why? :scratchhead: arguing is not always a bad thing...

Yes, Dh and I argue. We argue about 1-2 times every 2 months...depending on how stressful we feel, how much sleep we have had and what time of the month it is for me....yes..I admit I can be not so nice during that time..... It is ALWAYS about not understanding one another's POV......we did learn years ago from reading...that a couple can really help each other when arguing by using a visual. For example, it might be a really huge issue, "Honey, you just threw 3 watermelons at me....why would you do that?"....or "why do you keep pecking apples at me all day long"....it is corny but DH and I have found it to be very helpful

I have probably said too much....I just know that spouses don't always get along and that is OK.....it is not so much as to how often you argue...but how the you both reconcile and grow from it.....


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

over20 said:


> arguing is not always a bad thing...
> 
> ..it is not so much as to how often you argue...buy how the you both reconcile and grow from it.....


I agree. I think conflict is an opportunity for growth, as is emotion. 

I wish people could stop being afraid of emotion. We have it for a reason. 

It can spur so much growth, if we will accept it and listen to what it is trying to tell us.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Thank you jld...I was starting to think bad about my own marriage here.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

How often do we fight, well that depends, if we spend more time together there is more chance for me to say something that will piss her off. So it just depends on how much time we are around each other.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

gbrad said:


> How often do we fight, well that depends, if we spend more time together there is more chance for me to say something that will piss her off. So it just depends on how much time we are around each other.


Do you find that the less time you are around each other the less you argue? That is the opposite for DH and I ...the more time we spend apart the more we can argue....

gbrad, why do you think she reacts so negatively to you? I am sorry if I do not know your story. I am not saying it is your fault in the slightest......do you think she feels the same as you? Or is it one sided?


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

I think our marriage must be odd, because many of our friends comment about how good "make up" sex is. My best friend says that he fights all the time with his wife, and then they have great make up sex and things smooth over until the next fight. 

I honestly can't relate to that. We don't do that. My wife and I must be odd!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

We never really argued much. I'd get angry, he'd avoid until I got over it. I don't hold onto to mad for very long. But this past 18 months we started to argue, some of it kind of loud.

The last argument we had I don't even remember what it was about. But I refused to follow through on plans we'd made for the day. I expected honey to back away from my anger like he usually does. 

Instead he backed me into the wall and held me there. Told me that I WAS going out with him as planned, then "escorted me upstairs to dress for the outing." Had to change me panties cause that was Hot! 
Mmmmmm make up sex!

Now that was an awesome fight!


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## CharlotteMcdougall (Mar 15, 2014)

We used to have terrible fights all the time. Lots of screaming and angry words. One of us would leave for an hour if the arguments got too heated. 

Now we only argue every 2-3 months. We do not stay mad at each other; my husband will often give me hugs and kisses less than ten minutes after the argument ends.

It helps that I no longer make every issue a power struggle.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Not so many fights, more like disagreements. No screaming or yelling --but definitely voices raised above normal conversational level. I once threw an apple at him and another time I threw his magazine into the fireplace..... One incident of name calling where I tried to slap him in the face... I was really, really in a rage.

I'm generally a reasonable person but when I feel put on the defensive, I react in an aggressive manner. When I feel that my feelings are not taken into account, I also become aggressive.

This has been the source of many incidents between H and me but we've learned from them and changed our behavior. He doesn't say or do things to hurt my feelings and I do not say things which put him on the defensive. I can also say that the origin of ALL of our disagreements were either linked to blended family issues OR my MIL. Luckily all of these issues have been resolved.

I must admit I envy those who have posted that they never fight.....


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

I don't envy them.......I just don't understand how a couple could NEVER argue.....I mean they both must be sexually/emotionally/spiritually/parentally on the same page throughout their whole married life.......:scratchhead:

I do have to say I like the sauciness in life...and Dh knows it...


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

If both partners have strong opinions that do not always match then some form of conflict is inevitable and in some ways healthy.

What is more important than the cause of the disagreement is how you handle it.

As a child and younger man I had a “hair trigger” and would fly into a violent rage that would normally end with someone getting hurt. As I got older the episodes became fewer and further apart.

My wife and I have had many disagreements in the lat 20 years(about money, about intimacy, about priorities) and we both raise our voices and occasionally name call. I have never hit or thrown things at my wife (the same cannot be said for her) but I have punched walls / furniture in frustration. I do try and keep calm / avoid triggers but thankfully neither of us is any good at holding grudges so we soon make up.

The frequency of disagreements is probably once or twice a month so those maybe one in four leads to shouting / name calling but I have not hit anything for over a year so we must both be getting better at reading the others mood / controlling ourselves.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

@ Over 20. Mmm, I dunno. Sauciness yes, hurt feelings and resentment, no.....


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

over20 said:


> Thank you jld...I was starting to think bad about my own marriage here.


Don't do that. Don't ever feel that way here on TAM. Different people define or interpret things differently. And some people are more honest and open than others.

I couldn't live in a marriage without any emotion. Though sometimes, I feel like I provide it all here, or most of it, lol.

And don't forget that some people are scared to fight. It might break something inside of them. My sister is in her second marriage and told me once they never fight. They know they would both be risking a lot, I think.

I am not scared of losing my marriage. I feel free expressing myself. Dh can take it.

And, of course, some people are just not fighters. That's okay, too.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Instead he backed me into the wall and held me there. Told me that I WAS going out with him as planned, then "escorted me upstairs to dress for the outing."


Giggle, giggle.

It's funny to hear what different women find a turn on. I would have felt scared in the same situation, and would have been a bit of a brat about the whole thing, obeying but with a bad attitude. 

But then that would have been resolved eventually, too. Lol.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

jnyu44 said:


> Also, I wasn't clear.
> 
> By fight, I don't necessarily mean physical fights. I mean altercations, silent treatment, arguments, etc.


Well thats different. We pout all the time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Dont argue. D1cker
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

jld said:


> Isn't he choosing to respond this way?
> 
> I have tantrums, too. Dh waits them out. He doesn't respond with anger, at least not visibly. He uses active listening and patience. I come around.
> 
> And honestly, he knows that if he had not provoked me, in our case, by his lack of attention, there would not have been the tantrum in the first place. He said once, "If there is a tantrum, someone is not listening."


:scratchhead: Wouldn't it be even better if you didn't throw tantrums but talked about the problem in a respectful manner instead of counting on dh to be the responsible one...

My gf does that too... tiring sometimes.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

We have never had a big fight.

No voices have ever been raised. I can't imagine yelling, name calling, throwing things. I wouldn't put up with it.

We do disagree, but "arguments" are resolved in calm voices, usually while snuggling. We take turns voicing our opinion, and work on a solution.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> We never really argued much. I'd get angry, he'd avoid until I got over it. I don't hold onto to mad for very long. But this past 18 months we started to argue, some of it kind of loud.
> 
> The last argument we had I don't even remember what it was about. But I refused to follow through on plans we'd made for the day. I expected honey to back away from my anger like he usually does.
> 
> ...


Hmm makes me wonder. AP, did you pick a fight for hot sex?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Omego said:


> @ Over 20. Mmm, I dunno. Sauciness yes, hurt feelings and resentment, no.....


True. I am sorry. I was thinking about my own parents fights vs mine. In my mind, my marital arguments aren't as severe as what I grew with.

I meant no disrespect Omega


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Thound said:


> Hmm makes me wonder. AP, did you pick a fight for hot sex?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Lol no but I will next time the kids are out of the house!


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## CharlotteMcdougall (Mar 15, 2014)

Omego said:


> Not so many fights, more like disagreements. No screaming or yelling --but definitely voices raised above normal conversational level. I *once threw an apple at him and another time I threw his magazine into the fireplace..... One incident of name calling where I tried to slap him in the face... I was really, really in a rage.
> *
> I'm generally a reasonable person but when I feel put on the defensive, I react in an aggressive manner. When I feel that my feelings are not taken into account, I also become aggressive.
> 
> ...


I used to throw things too. I am naturally a hothead and it has taken therapy and prayer to help me become more diplomatic. My husband put his foot down and I know that helped as well. 

There is absolutely no reason for items flying through the air. My husband said that kind of behavior doesn't suit the intelligent and articulate woman he married. 

I grew up seeing my mother rage about every little thing. She constantly screamed and swore, especially at my father and I. When I noticed that I was behaving just like my mother, I knew that I needed help. 

Yesterday, my husband unpacked some clean laundry. He put a lot of items into one drawer and left the others empty. I thought that was ridiculous, but I didn't get angry with him. I simply said: "Could you please put the clothes in different drawers babes?" He agreed. No shouting or fighting needed. 

Going through that period where we fought like cats and dogs helped us learn to resolve conflict effectively. I learned that there is no reason to make a huge deal out of everything or "assert my independence" by being difficult. I don't envy those who say that they never fight because all the arguing forced my husband and I to take a hard look at our marriage. We are in such a good place now.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Kudos to you CD for breaking the violent cycle!!


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## CharlotteMcdougall (Mar 15, 2014)

over20 said:


> Kudos to you CD for breaking the violent cycle!!


Did you mean CM? Not sure if you were referring to me or someone else.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

CharlotteMcdougall said:


> Did you mean CM? Not sure if you were referring to me or someone else.


OH my goodness yes Charlotte, I meant you doll ! Sorry


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## CharlotteMcdougall (Mar 15, 2014)

That's okay. We all make typos.

Thanks for the kudos. Marriage has helped me grow and mature in many ways. I became a better communicator not only for myself, but also because I want to grow old with my husband.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

over20 said:


> Do you find that the less time you are around each other the less you argue? That is the opposite for DH and I ...the more time we spend apart the more we can argue....
> 
> gbrad, why do you think she reacts so negatively to you? I am sorry if I do not know your story. I am not saying it is your fault in the slightest......do you think she feels the same as you? Or is it one sided?


She makes minor things out to be big deals and gets very emotional about them. When we spend too much time together it feels like walking on egg shells to not say the wrong things.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

gbrad said:


> She makes minor things out to be big deals and gets very emotional about them. When we spend too much time together it feels like walking on egg shells to not say the wrong things.


Every time I see somebody post about walking on eggshells around their spouse I feel so bad for them. I love the time together with my husband, I always look forward to him coming home. I wish everybody could feel that peace, warmth, and joy. {hugs} for you gbrad


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I Notice The Details said:


> I think our marriage must be odd, because many of our friends comment about how good "make up" sex is. My best friend says that he fights all the time with his wife, and then they have great make up sex and things smooth over until the next fight.
> 
> I honestly can't relate to that. We don't do that. My wife and I must be odd!


:iagree:

I can't have sex when we are angry or fight with each other.
However we can and do have passionate sex without relying on anger to drive it.
I can be aggressive and dominant without being angry .

But like you , I heard lots of people saying they get angry to have make up sex.

I'm not wired that way.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

gbrad said:


> She makes minor things out to be big deals and gets very emotional about them. When we spend too much time together it feels like walking on egg shells to not say the wrong things.


You could change this. You could get stronger in yourself, and then her moods would not affect you, or not so much.

Have you read The Way of the Superior Man? I bet you would find it interesting.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

EasyPartner said:


> :scratchhead: Wouldn't it be even better if you didn't throw tantrums but talked about the problem in a respectful manner instead of counting on dh to be the responsible one...
> 
> My gf does that too... tiring sometimes.


I don't know your situation with your girlfriend, but what sets me off is when I have told dh the same thing, time after time, and he says uh huh, uh huh, uh huh . . . and nothing changes. I get to the end of my rope.

But really, often after a tantrum nothing changes, except I have let off hot air.

But I have been thinking about this. It really is great that I am with a responsible guy. He just doesn't get thrown off by my emotions, and doesn't hold them against me. But I do expect a lot from him that maybe I could do by myself.

I am really going to have to think about this, because it is a different way of managing things for me. I rely on him a lot for emotional support.

But thanks for asking the question, and in a non-threatening way.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

jld said:


> You could change this. You could get stronger in yourself, and then her moods would not affect you, or not so much.
> 
> Have you read The Way of the Superior Man? I bet you would find it interesting.


I have read no more mr. nice guy. It helped for a while, but its very hard to keep some of those things up when it does not come naturally.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

gbrad said:


> I have read no more mr. nice guy. It helped for a while, but its very hard to keep some of those things up when it does not come naturally.


I am sure. But it sounds like you are trying.

My husband is not very emotional. I am always trying to pull emotion out of him. He is making efforts, but it will never be natural for him. I still appreciate those efforts. To me, it says he cares enough to try.

Please consider reading Superior Man. It is just a great book.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

We don't have crazy arguments, throw things or have tantrums. Never have (in any relationship) and never will. To me it would represent a complete lack of self control and is not the way an emotionally developed person behaves. 
There are disagreements here but they are in the form of discussion not child like fighting. We both come from a place of respect and deep desire to see the other happy, discussion and compromise is easy when it comes from this place. 

Personally I can't deal with people when they rant and rave or lose control, I had a parent like that and would never tolerate it in adulthood.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Holland said:


> We don't have crazy arguments, throw things or have tantrums. Never have (in any relationship) and never will. To me it would represent a complete lack of self control and is not the way an emotionally developed person behaves.
> There are disagreements here but they are in the form of discussion not child like fighting. We both come from a place of respect and deep desire to see the other happy, discussion and compromise is easy when it comes from this place.
> 
> Personally I can't deal with people when they rant and rave or lose control, I had a parent like that and would never tolerate it in adulthood.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



:iagree: Exactly! Very well said Holland.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

jld said:


> I agree. I think conflict is an opportunity for growth, as is emotion.



If that's the case I am 375 years old 

Depends on what a fight is defined as. I can be highly frustrating without losing my temper, raising my voice, etcetera...


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

john117 said:


> If that's the case I am 375 years old
> 
> Depends on what a fight is defined as. I can be highly frustrating without losing my temper, raising my voice, etcetera...


Lol, John. And I assume you meant frustrated.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Frustrating was the correct word


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

john117 said:


> Frustrating was the correct word


Lolol.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I Notice The Details said:


> I think our marriage must be odd, *because many of our friends comment about how good "make up" sex is. My best friend says that he fights all the time with his wife, and then they have great make up sex and things smooth over until the next fight.*
> 
> I honestly can't relate to that. We don't do that. My wife and I must be odd!


My husband is a very laid back man....he's told me I like to fight just for the Make up sex.. we've even argued about this - on a very small & humorous scale.. Most of our fights are very stupid in nature... and we can always start laughing in the midst of them... it's some of our funniest moments even.. 

He loves the FIRE in me....it has it's benefits ... he even told me once he wouldn't change anything about me -right after I had a big fight with him...adding "cause then it wouldn't be YOU"....then I started balling .... MAKE UP SEX [email protected]#$!! 
How often....maybe 1 every 2 months these days....and it's always during PMS I've noticed...I can feel the rain cloud hovering over me....







...and this was worse when my hormones were surging with an insatiable sex drive... this has calmed...

In his own words....(taken from my "Whining thread" )..



SA's husband said:


> Everything my wife does is intense. This includes when she gets irritated. With her words she has made me feel like I couldn't please her that I am not enough. But I still wouldn't change who she is because it doesn't happen very often, I can live with that.
> 
> What we have is so beautiful the majority of the time, it's like our driveway, we have a nice peice of land hard to get in and out in the winter, it is perfect all summer long, then I have a few bad days getting in and out, have to salt it, scrape it. That's my wife, she's worth it.
> 
> I'm not perfect, I've said things I needed to apologize for, she just does it more.


And may I add..I am very good at apologizing and making it up to him...this too makes all the difference.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I recently did this thread...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ead-4-types-5-1-ratio-marriage-conflicts.html

I am one of those people who feel a little Conflict is never a bad thing... it helps us dig deep, where we were missing each other.. how to please each other better (if we are listening)...we haggle out our motivations, where we feel hurt, slighted, taken for granted, etc....and we resolve together....that's what is the most important.. to get back to "peace" and harmony...... I've never been one to stuff how I feel.. I NEED to talk it out.... I married a MAN who has always given me this... he get's me... even if I can be a little volatile now & then...it's not often though -as that suggests. 



> *1. *Volatile Couples
> 
> For volatile couples, conflicts erupt easily, and are fought on grand scale, but of course, making up is even greater! These couples have passionate disputes, and frequent and passionate arguments.
> 
> ...


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

Very seldom and hardly ever.


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## WayUpNorth (Dec 14, 2013)

EasyPartner said:


> :scratchhead: Wouldn't it be even better if you didn't throw tantrums but talked about the problem in a respectful manner instead of counting on dh to be the responsible one...
> 
> My gf does that too... tiring sometimes.


Exactly. Tantrums and rants are the things children do. Don't treat, talk, or YELL at me as if I am a child or a moron. I hate that.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

The 4 conflict types are very interesting. I also wonder if the reason two people end up as the "hostile" type is due to incompatibility when it comes to how to handle problems.

For example, I was between jobs over Christmas this past year. Just two months and I didn't think that was an issue. My H does all he bills and I (used to) trust that he would tell me if we had financial issues.

So, in January he tells me that we are 3 weeks away from going into the red. Now, this was the first time he had said anything to me about where we were finically since my last work project ended. I ended up rushing to find and take the first job I could. It paid me far less than I deserve, but i had no choice.

I asked him why he didn't tell me sooner. He said he saw this coming many weeks before. His response was, "I don't know. What difference does it make now?"

If it had been me, I would have brought up the financial trouble as soon as I knew and we would have discussed it and figured out a solution. But he is conflict avoidant/doesn't want to bring up problems. So naturally we fight!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cochise (May 8, 2014)

We have little fights or disagreements daily and a bigger fight probably once a week. I think the more serious issue here, for us, at least, is that disagreements tend to be more serious than they should be. My wife grew up with a single mother, so she feels like I am going to leave her every time we have a somewhat serious fight. Often times I am left thinking, "this is so stupid," and that we really agree, but I can't get that across. We may not yell like previous relationships that I had, but every serious fight leaves her feeling like I am going to leave her or that I don't love her, which is more serious because we're married and not just dating. Also, she often stays quiet and hurt for hours at a time after. We are getting a little better at this last part, or at least I am getting better at curtailing it because I know she is thinking that I might leave so I have to tell her that I'm not.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

I am not a fighter. My first husband was a verbally abusive alcoholic and I withdrew into myself rather than fighting back. And then finally just left. My stbx second husband wasn't really a fighter either. He would get irritated at things a lot and I would just listen and not agree, but not argue. Sometimes that drove him batty. Both of my divorces were relatively drama-free. 

I think I am at the opposite end of the OP - I should actually speak up more when something bothers me. There are lots of couples that NEVER fight but end up getting divorced anyway because they still haven't resolved their conflicts. 

But speaking up is different than throwing a tantrum. I think what the OP is describing sounds really unhealthy and unproductive. OP - I like the active listening suggestion but short of that it could be you just describing to her what you're feeling as she's doing what she's doing. "I don't want to fight with you. What you're saying is making me angry and I want to leave the room. I see you're angry and I'm having a hard time understanding why. What do you need from me?" Just trying to say it as calmly as possible. On the other hand, sounds like your wife has a problem. Don't get sucked in to the pattern. Seek help if you need it.


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## +Charlie+ (May 12, 2014)

My petite wife is as mad as a two faced cow, but we rarely fight... little squabbles every now and then.. nothing bad. It's part of being in love maybe


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Hi Charlie, and welcome to TAM!


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

bickering and squabbles mainly during her crazy hormones phase.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Very seldom do we have fights. I can honestly say that I don't believe my husband has ever raised his voice to me. I am usually the one that gets mad about something, but it doesn't usually last very long. It's really difficult to stay mad for very long to someone you love..........at least it is for me.


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## +Charlie+ (May 12, 2014)

I Notice The Details said:


> Hi Charlie, and welcome to TAM!


Hello Mr Details and thanks very much


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

No tantrums or raised voices in our home.

We have our moments though. They don't happen very often - but more than they used to. We're better off for it. It's more prevalent when there's stress going on but we're learning to communicate better. It's helped a hell of a lot. There's no room for shutting down or walking away anymore. 

With small bickering, maybe a couple times a month? Gets resolved pretty quickly though.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

He'll. If I can get him to talk about anything. I'm doing good. I guess I just argue with myself...

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

We rarely argue.

Yelling and name-calling is not even in the realm of possibilities in our home. I can't even imagine it.


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## Pinkpetal (Jan 2, 2014)

soccermom2three said:


> We rarely argue.
> 
> Yelling and name-calling is not even in the realm of possibilities in our home. I can't even imagine it.




:iagree: This is pretty much how it is for me too.


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## Horsa (Jun 27, 2012)

DW and I started fighting almost every week around our 4th year married. Yelling, calling names, critizising, stone walling, and all the rest except hurting others physically. I admitted that when I lost control, I did punch the wall more than a few times.
But that's all behind us now, and we grow stronger together. I had to admit that I put too much effort on our financial aspect, that DW felt abandon. And as a man, I didn't quite understood DW's hints dropping of what she need and want from me. When we argued, we said hurtful things towards each other, and that did make things worse.
Somehow we get through all that, and grow stronger together. We love each other very much, but our love language was different, that we didn't feel loved.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

jnyu44 said:


> How often to you fight with your wife? Little bickering to full fledged arguments...whatever you want to shed light on for the rest of the group.
> 
> We have unpleasant arguments (silent treatment + scowl anywhere from 1 to several hours) at least 3-5 times a week.
> 
> We have big ones where we both lose control and things are thrown (tables, chairs, etc.) probably twice a year.


Never! I've heard it said, if a couple never argue, then that means the relationship isn't important enough to have things to fight about. That is definitely the case here.


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

Yea we never fight either. Our kids joke about how polite we are to each other.

The only problem that causes is the lack of angry sex. I wouldn't mind some angry sex.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

I wouldn't mind some sex


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

soccermom2three said:


> We rarely argue.
> 
> Yelling and name-calling is not even in the realm of possibilities in our home. I can't even imagine it.


Same here....we have never name called in our home....EVER. It's just not in our DNA.


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## Juve779 (May 31, 2014)

My wife and I do not fight often, but we have had disagreements sometimes and we argue. However, our arguments do not involve throwing anything at each other. I think that there will be times when you may disagree with your wife and the other way around, however, disagreements have to be resolved with communication and getting to a resolution. Now, silent argument and throwing things at each other when angry is childish and do not get you anywhere. I think that having a great communication is the key to minimize fights in a relationship. 

I think that you need to talk to your wife and find out what makes her be mad at you and you also need to tell her what bothers you about her as well. Trying to find out the source of the arguments could help you work on those issues. For instance, my wife and I were arguing sometimes because I was stressed out about my work. She told me that she felt that I was taking out my anger or stress on her. She suggested me to do something about it, like working out or writing out my stress on paper shred the paper after. I started exercising and have not had arguments. I listened to my wife's request and worked on it and our marriage is getting better! I think that you both need to talk and find out the source of the arguments. Also, try not to throw things at each other. It does not help the situation. 


jnyu44 said:


> How often to you fight with your wife? Little bickering to full fledged arguments...whatever you want to shed light on for the rest of the group.
> 
> We have unpleasant arguments (silent treatment + scowl anywhere from 1 to several hours) at least 3-5 times a week.
> 
> We have big ones where we both lose control and things are thrown (tables, chairs, etc.) probably twice a year.


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