# Confused and not knowing what to do



## TonyStark (Jul 4, 2013)

I don’t really know where to start. My wife and I have been together for about 7 years. We both married younger then we wanted to but consider the situation we had no choose but to get married I was 18 she was 17. We have been through a lot over the years mostly about our kids and the all hours I worked. We worked through them and we pretty much straight on all aspects of your lives well were. 

The reason for posting is because I’m very confused on what do. My wife cheated on me I found out and decide to move in with my brother (we are very close he also my business partner). My wife and I have been separated since march that when I found out about her cheating with one of her class mates. My wife decided to go back to school when our kid stated going to school. 

The problem comes in with my wife wanting to come back home. I on the other hand would like to go back but I kind of like the single life and I am not so sure am ready to commit to her again. The only reason I am even considering going back is for my kids. I’m looking for advice for someone who has been through something similar and who could give me some advice


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Separations like this are often to make it easier for her to continue fvcking the other dude.

Later when im home ill copy paste my standard intel stuff.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It sound like your wifes affair was not all that and is looking for plan B....you. Since most likely the kid she was screwing around with wants nothing more to do with her since now the OM (other man) has to deal with her full time.

So becarefull...her wanting to come back might just be a back up until she finds someone that can commit.

My point if the both of you want this marriage to work it has to be for the right reasons...and "for the kids" is a very poor reason to get back together when all the two of you have is resentment towards each other. Its a bad enviorment for the kids and it gives them a crappy examble of a healthy relationship.

So....I think the main issue here is why your wife strayed and what is she going to do to affair proof the marriage in the future.

The cheater script says she most likely felt neglected and you didn't spend much time with her......as this is just an excuse and your wife still has serious issues with boundries and respect for her family I suggest she first go into counseling and figure out why she can't keep her legs closed and second why she disrespected the father of her children.

In short don't jump back in until your wife gets the weapons to protect her marriage and her family by never doing this crap again.


Do not sweep this under the rug for the sake of your kids. For the sake of your kids give them a good examble of a happy and emotionaly healthy father.

My parents stay for the kids and it phucked up my own marriage, and as my wife slept with every Tom, Rick and Harry time and again I continued to give my kids a poor examble of a emotionaly healthy father.

At the end of the day can you trust the mother of your kids to never do this again? Years from now when you guys are 14 years into the marriage can you say your wife has affair proof the marriage by putting her big girl pants on and doing the heavy lifting?

Why does she want to come back home, what has she learned, what is she doing as an individual to be an emotionaly healther mother and wife for you to choose her over the single life?


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## TonyStark (Jul 4, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Separations like this are often to make it easier for her to continue fvcking the other dude.
> 
> Later when im home ill copy paste my standard intel stuff.


Well I don’t know for sure if she has stopped seeing him but I’m pretty sure it’s done. If she is seeing him I guess it fair since I’m doing the same thing


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## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

TonyStark said:


> Well I don’t know for sure if she has stopped seeing him but I’m pretty sure it’s done. If she is seeing him I guess it fair since I’m doing the same thing


Alright, so she's possibly seeing someone, sounds like you're seeing someone. Is there even a marriage left to work on?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A++ (May 21, 2012)

If you go back, don't let her get away easily.
If there aren't any consequences of her actions, she will do it again and again...


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Stay separated, continue with your single lifestyle and divorce her.


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## TonyStark (Jul 4, 2013)

Brokenshadow said:


> Alright, so she's possibly seeing someone, sounds like you're seeing someone. Is there even a marriage left to work on?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



To be honest I can’t see her being with someone else considering she all she done it just wouldn’t make much sense.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

TonyStark said:


> To be honest I can’t see her being with someone else considering she all she done it just wouldn’t make much sense.


TS, can you expand on this? I would like to respond, but need more information.

Also, how did you find out?

Is your wife remorseful?

Does she want to reconcile with you?

Is she willing to be transparent?

What do you want R or D?

If you want more information consider a VAR. They are low tech and easy use solutions. WL will hopefully provide some specifics for you on this option soon.

Also, just my opinion- but if I were you, I would not being living the single life... because you are not.

Figure out what you want. R or D. Then act accordingly.


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## TonyStark (Jul 4, 2013)

the guy said:


> It sound like your wifes affair was not all that and is looking for plan B....you. Since most likely the kid she was screwing around with wants nothing more to do with her since now the OM (other man) has to deal with her full time.
> 
> So becarefull...her wanting to come back might just be a back up until she finds someone that can commit.
> 
> ...


All the reasons you give are the one she told lead to her cheating. I wouldn’t really consider it an affair since it was only one time they had sex but they did text and email a lot. As of now I don’t trust her at all.
She has done a few things she dropped all her class for the winter semester and she signed up to take all her future class in a different camps. She sent me an email with all her passwords to all her social media site and email. The thing she did that surprised me the most was she told all her family about what she did. 
My bother also thinks it’s a bad idea just to go back for the kids and if that’s the own reason then we should just stay separated


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Lol dude she has a new email for the OM. Gmail and yahoo are free.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

She stated she wants to come back home, why?

Maybe cuz she thought you would wait around for her and now that you haven't she now sees the erorrs of her ways. 

I think she is now jealous and the affair didn't work out and you are her second choose...beside just because she saw someone else doesn't you would. Now that you have you have raised your sex rank in her eyes and you look more attractive now then you did when she was screwing around on you.

********discraimer**********

This is just my perspective from years of being part of this community. In no way I'm a telling you what is really going on in your wifes head.


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## TonyStark (Jul 4, 2013)

workindad said:


> TS, can you expand on this? I would like to respond, but need more information.
> 
> Also, how did you find out?
> 
> ...



The reason I think she not seeing any one is because all her family is saying she not, even her dad who I thought hated me asked me to give her another chance.

I found out through her emails then I started digging deeper and the more I found. 

All in all yes I would say she is remorseful.

Yes she has made clear she wants to remain married. So she does want to reconcile.

I really don’t know what I want right now that why I am posting to see if someone could help find what I true want 

As of right now we are going to D (that means divorce right) I just have to put it on hold for financial reasons mostly to make sure she doesn’t end up taking mine and my bother businesses. She also knows this 

Btw what do you mean “be transparent”?


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

You have to look at the big picture...

First, do the two of you want to be married? If both of you are not committed, then it's done. No getting past that.

Do you love her?

Did you forgive her yet? Forgiving her is not for her sake but for yours so you don't harbor the anger inside of you and you can think clearly.

You also cheated on her... You are married and are seeing someone else or am I confused... You may seem entitled to it, but I'm just letting you know that will have to be dealt with too if you wish to R.

I will tell you what sucks. I have 3 boys and I have such a limited time with them. Every Thanksgiving or XMas Idon't see them because their mom decided to cheat rips my heart open.

Kids are not the ONLY reason to stay married but they are a factor.

You sound like you are a bit immature, i.e. young. You are enjoying the single life and you don't have any responsibilities now. It sounds like you aren't too involved with your kids. Where are they now?

When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. 

Yes it's fun having your freedom now, but is that all you want out of life is to have fun and be free? It's up to you what you want to do. Are you thinking about R?

Is she being absolutely truthful and remorseful? Are you being fair and not holding it over her head so you can act badly?


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Transparent, she isn't hiding things... holding back parts of the truth etc...


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

She sounds remorseful.

She is of to a good start.

She now needs to spend sometime in IC (individual counseling)

This wasn't a mistake, it was a choice she made...that must be addressed before you let her back in.

Your family is at stake here...the both of you need to invest heavily on rebuilding a new marriage and dump the old one.

But first, her transparentcy must be confirmed....trust but verify!

Getting back together will be a hell for both of you. She needs to understand that you are no a sad member of the cheater police and she is your prisoner.

Its sucks but me and Mrs. the-guy got throw it.

We did it ...not for the kids but as individuals...who both wanted the same thing in our 40's....

In your case it appears you want something different, and *she* thought she wanted something different and it didn't work out!!!!

Thats whats concerning.... it not working out for her and the possiblity of it happening again in another 7 years when the kids are now driving and so so dependent on her.

Thats why she needs to learn the tools to affair proof her marriage now.


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## TonyStark (Jul 4, 2013)

the guy said:


> She stated she wants to come back home, why?
> 
> Maybe cuz she thought you would wait around for her and now that you haven't she now sees the erorrs of her ways.
> 
> ...


Bro you sound just like my bother right now. This is exactly what he’s been saying. He has also encouraged me to do whatever makes happy


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## TonyStark (Jul 4, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Lol dude she has a new email for the OM. Gmail and yahoo are free.


maybe But that on her if she is still seeing him then we are done


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

TonyStark said:


> My bother also thinks it’s a bad idea just to go back for the kids and if that’s the own reason then we should just stay separated


:iagree: Listen to your brother. He is right


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The D court isn't going to take you livelyhood (your business) but you will pay her one way or another.

I think you need to watch her actions in the next few months and see if she can be a good mom and stay out of trouple, will she drop all her toxic friends, will she occupy her time with positive things...


Time will tell and her actions will speak louder then words.

What are your goals with regard to taking her back, what will she have to offer? Can she drop all her toxic friends to be a prisoner and repent for her untrustworthy behavior?

Will she continue to go out and do her own thing or will she make her family her #1 priority?

You have alot of questions you need to look at and see if your old lady is up to the task!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

TonyStark said:


> Bro you sound just like my bother right now. This is exactly what he’s been saying. He has also encouraged me to do whatever makes happy


So your brother has been married for over 20 years and had his old lady screw over a dozen guys also? LOL

My old lady started seven years into our marriage and would stay straigth for a few years (5 being the longes) then would be at it again.
Back then I told her to stop never asked or talked about it again and swept it under the rug...big time!
As you can read she continues for 13 more years.

My advise, do not sweep this under the rug...the past is not the past, but the past is your future and must be faced head on to learn from ones unhealthy choices.

The worst thing the both of you can do is hide from this infidelity...both of you can face this head on and study this crap and learn from it...understand it and then maybe can prevent it from the future.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Will your old lady talk about her affair?
Can she own her sh!t and face it, no matter how painful it is for her?

Make no mistake hearing this kind of crap from your wife is no picnic, but like I said this crap needs to be meet head on one way or another.

Even if you do D she can learn from this and be a better partner for someone else....and that goes for both of you.

This sh1t sucks, I'm sorry your even here!


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## TonyStark (Jul 4, 2013)

MovingAhead said:


> You have to look at the big picture...
> 
> First, do the two of you want to be married? If both of you are not committed, then it's done. No getting past that.
> 
> ...


I still do lover her honesty she the only person I can truely says I have loved 

I wouldn’t I have for forgiven her yet more like just moved pasted it. However I still hold feelings of anger inside. 

I don’t think what I’m doing is cheating but to each his own 

I have all ways been told I was very mature for my age. I can see what I’m doing can be seen as immature but I am own 25 going on 26 after all I am still young. I never really had a singles life mostly because I got my then GF pregnant and I would later marry her so I might be going a little overboard with it. I haven’t been all that involved with my kids. It’s not that I don’t want to but it’s hard to support twins and a wife with known college degree or anything to go on. So all I have to rely on is hard work nothing more. I have stared speeding more with them now. as of now we split the kids 50/50 I have then Tuesday till Friday and my from Friday till to Tuesday. She has the kids now she made plans with the kids.

A part me is thinking about giving your marriage another chance. Well at least now I am


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## TonyStark (Jul 4, 2013)

the guy said:


> The D court isn't going to take you livelyhood (your business) but you will pay her one way or another.
> 
> I think you need to watch her actions in the next few months and see if she can be a good mom and stay out of trouple, will she drop all her toxic friends, will she occupy her time with positive things...
> 
> ...



I, my brother and your lawyer have found ways to hide all of mine and my brother assets from my wife. All she will be entitled to is alimony even then it won’t be that much so I have beat the system to some degree

As far as I know she has stopped seeing all her toxic friends mostly the ones who she went to class with. She has always been a great mother. I use to think she was too good of a mother in the past.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

It seems rather obvious what happened, she went from SAHM to school days again, she got intoxicated with the carefree life wich comes with it and crossed every line. It's almost a cliché.
From what you tell us she's doing all she can: she quit the job, the got rid of toxic influences, offered full transpareance and keep asking you back. Granted, as you left she has not been tested at reconciliation but for now she can do anything more.

If you want to try to keep the family and give her a second chance it's fine but then you need to stop dating. ASAP. Many people reconcile, I did, and I'm happy I did.

It doesn't seem you want to quit living the single life. If it's a dealbreaker or you believe you can be happier this way it's fine too, file then.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

You are plan B. Get a divorce,date others, stay involved with your children, reconnect with your ex-wife if you both want but stay apart for now.

I see more cheating in your futures.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

standard intel stuff if you want to know what is going on
Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY THE cheapies. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. Set bit rate to 44K or higher and sensitivity to very high or better Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off.

Put the second in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around.

Usual warning. If you hear another man get in her car STOP Listening and have a trusted friend tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while Canother man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! NO MORE CONFRONTS!!

If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for three men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality. Read his second thread for my reliability and confidentiality.

The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful.

Look for a burner phone. That is often why wives let the husband "see their phone"

Look for apps on her phone like words with friends. It has a non traceable texting feature.


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## TonyStark (Jul 4, 2013)

Acabado said:


> It seems rather obvious what happened, she went from SAHM to school days again, she got intoxicated with the carefree life wich comes with it and crossed every line. It's almost a cliché.
> From what you tell us she's doing all she can: she quit the job, the got rid of toxic influences, offered full transpareance and keep asking you back. Granted, as you left she has not been tested at reconciliation but for now she can do anything more.
> 
> If you want to try to keep the family and give her a second chance it's fine but then you need to stop dating. ASAP. Many people reconcile, I did, and I'm happy I did.
> ...


My wife has never had a job since we married in her last year in HS. Even though wasn’t great we did share many special moments together. I just don’t want to go back and having all of his blow up in my face. The pain I felt when I stared to read those emails was so unreal. I was seriously was about to do things I would of gone to jail for. 

If I do go back then yeah I know I can’t be seeing anyone one on the side. That’s ok most of the girls I’m seeing are FWBs anyway so I haven’t built any emotional connection. 

Is infidelity a dealbreaker? I wouldn’t say so I feel there’s a lot of things a person could to destroy a marriage worse than cheating.


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## TonyStark (Jul 4, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> standard intel stuff if you want to know what is going on
> Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY THE cheapies. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. Set bit rate to 44K or higher and sensitivity to very high or better Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus.
> 
> Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.
> ...


All of this would have been extremely useful when I was trying to figure out if she was cheating not so much now. I feel I go back and I have to constantly watch her every move then I rather not even try to work on this marriage. If she wants to work on this marriage she knows she cant to him or any other guys for that matter for sometimes at least till I can say a trust her again. If she doesn’t like that well then it looks like it’s time for a divorce


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

TonyStark said:


> I still do lover her honesty she the only person I can truely says I have loved
> 
> I wouldn’t I have for forgiven her yet more like just moved pasted it. However I still hold feelings of anger inside.
> 
> ...


Deal with your anger. Confront it. Beat it over the head. Moving past it works in that you can cope today but the anger will always be with you until you deal with it.

What you are doing, whether it is cheating or not is seeing other women while you are married and thinking that reconciliation R is possible... If you truly want to R then you cannot be dating other women. I know she is the one who stepped out first, but right now it's you who are stepping out of the marriage. You have a family. You need to let this decision for your family be your focus whether you want to D or R. Having girls on the side makes you think with the little head and your big head gets confused. Take that out of the equation while you make your decision.

I understand the work part. I am a single dad. I work 50+ hours a week, take my kids to practice and games, do all the laundry, cooking, cleaning etc... mowing whatever. Not much free time ever. On those nights when you have the kids, be with them as you can. It will mean so much to them and you.

I do hope you try to reconcile if that is your choice but even though your wife did a bad thing, she is showing remorse. If you decide that you do want to R, you need to be a great husband. Stop the dating. It will only lead to disaster. You aren't really cheating on her but you are cheating on your marriage. You are selling it short. You are being less of a husband than you need to be right now. I understand why, but it will never work. If you R, R needs to be your focus and you have to remember that your wife who is imperfect DESERVES a great husband in you because she is worth it. If you don't believe she is worth it, don't bother with R. This is why you need to deal with your anger first. If you don't deal with it, it will get in the way.

Good luck to you brother.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Rugs said:


> You are plan B. Get a divorce,date others, stay involved with your children, reconnect with your ex-wife if you both want but stay apart for now.
> 
> I see more cheating in your futures.


This is all backward. As things are just now it looks exactly the opposite. She's plan B. Maybe it's exactly as it should.

He's already dating others while's she has been taking the "right steps" as we usually advice here. It seems she's remorseful and wants him back, while he doesn't, for now, quit the single life, is taking the steps to protect himself financialy and likely heading towards divorce.
I can't blame him for doing so. I have no idea whether he's giving her mixed signals and stringing her along while he decide his path, or whether he's just finishing financial self protection before the actual filing, I have no idea whether she's aware of his single like life.

Regarding more cheating in the future we just don't know, i feel a part of OP believes she won't given the way she behaved after DDay (of course he must doubt it, but he came here... a sign which support his, a sign also about how his wife actions make him believe so). The way we predict future is looking at the past actions but we are also aware that people can screw things just one, it all depends on their reaction and his wife actions are the typical of the remorseful wayward.
If the cheating is a dealbreaker for him (we always believe it will be before it actualy happen) it's perfectly fine. Remorse don't grant second chances and being dumped after cheating is a natural consequence.
I believe, beyond the pain his wife is causing him, this bomb has brought him the realization that maybe the grass might be greener out there and it's time to chance his life's path. Why not? He did not ask for it.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It sounds like your W unwittingly opened your eyes to the opportunities there are for you out there without her and you're not sure that you really want to go back to what you had given that you don't really believe you can trust her. This is all understandable, in my opinion.

Yes, you are young and you married young, but the world has been like that for millenia - you are definitely a grown man, not a boy, so you can be expected to be a mature, faithful husband, just as she can be expected to be a mature, faithful wife.

You say you love her & that's the draw now. Why not just give it some time to see if you really are happier being single. It sounds like you might be. Your love for her might not be enough since you don't trust her now.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Op I understand the anger. Is IC an option for yourself to help with it? It really does help. I tried booze for a little while also. That does not help at all. 

If you have the kids a lot the. Your wife has a chunk of free time. If you are considering R the. I strongly suggest you invest in the VARs WL mentioned. It will be a good investment and paying close attention now may help you decide what you want. You can always proceed with D and stop the process. 

R was not an option for me. I went the route of D. Since I have no experience with R take this for what it is worth. My guess is that R is harder D sucked big time as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Your wife opened the door for you to explore. You're young, 25 y.o. Do your exploring. When you have experienced your options, then decide.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Tony How did you find out she was cheating. how much do you know about her cheating. Are you legally separated if not I would consider that. Also I doubt her family knows a damn thing about what your wife does or doesn't do when she isn't sitting in their house. Have you done any snooping into her different accounts or checked to see if she is calling OM?


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Acabado said:


> This is all backward. As things are just now it looks exactly the opposite. She's plan B. Maybe it's exactly as it should.
> 
> He's already dating others while's she has been taking the "right steps" as we usually advice here. It seems she's remorseful and wants him back, while he doesn't, for now, quit the single life, is taking the steps to protect himself financialy and likely heading towards divorce.
> I can't blame him for doing so. I have no idea whether he's giving her mixed signals and stringing her along while he decide his path, or whether he's just finishing financial self protection before the actual filing, I have no idea whether she's aware of his single like life.
> ...


I agree wholeheartedly with this statement. Well said Acabado!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Tony, I really feel for you, man. While I accept your assertion that you are very mature for you age, look back a few years and give yourself an honest look at where you were when you got married. You were only 18. You got married way too young. Now you say that you like your single life. Then go ahead and live it. Divorce her and maintain your own integrity. Who knows, one day, if you and your WS find that you really do love each other, you can get back together; it's happened before. But if you go back to her now, you will always have doubts- about whether you can trust her, and about what you gave up in your life to be with her.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Tony,

If at any point you consider R, take her to a polygraph office and find the real truth.

The idea that she did it just once, and that you happened to catch her on that or time - is very very unlikely.

Every cheater says it was only once, and they used a condom, and...more lies to cover themselves 

Truth- sage shagged as often as they could, and no protection was ever used.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

river rat said:


> Tony, I really feel for you, man. While I accept your assertion that you are very mature for you age, look back a few years and give yourself an honest look at where you were when you got married. You were only 18. You got married way too young. Now you say that you like your single life. Then go ahead and live it. Divorce her and maintain your own integrity. Who knows, one day, if you and your WS find that you really do love each other, you can get back together; it's happened before. But if you go back to her now, you will always have doubts- about whether you can trust her, and about what you gave up in your life to be with her.


It's a generalization. It happens many times but many people reconcile also; I did and I'm happy. I'm glad I managed to stay and keep my family intact. Just now I trust my wife won't cheat again even more then before (and I trusted her more than myself).
There's no a "right" path, anyone has to evaluate their own situation, the pros and cons. Becasue it's _also_ possible he get tired of the single, carefree, FWBs life next month, next year and finnaly regret not giving his wife a second chance (and the likelihood that by then his wife is still aviable is very slim, despite the very few exceptions that confirm the rule).
If OP didn't know he's at a crossroad here he wouldn't come TAM to sort out his confussion. The fact there're children here is worth a deep reflection.


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## TonyStark (Jul 4, 2013)

Acabado said:


> This is all backward. As things are just now it looks exactly the opposite. She's plan B. Maybe it's exactly as it should.
> 
> He's already dating others while's she has been taking the "right steps" as we usually advice here. It seems she's remorseful and wants him back, while he doesn't, for now, quit the single life, is taking the steps to protect himself financialy and likely heading towards divorce.
> I can't blame him for doing so. I have no idea whether he's giving her mixed signals and stringing her along while he decide his path, or whether he's just finishing financial self protection before the actual filing, I have no idea whether she's aware of his single like life.
> ...


I guess really looking at it she has become somewhat of my plan B I never saw her like that but after you broke it down like that it’s kind of what’s going on.



She knows about me seeing other women. I do regret in the way she found out and how I stared. She was very hurt at first I thought she was just playing games but I think that’s when it truly hit her that it could very well be completely over and she be replaced. 

To be honesty I really don’t feel that much pain or anything like that. It’s more about the actually lies and betrayal and the anger I still feel towards her. The actual act its self doesn’t bother me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TonyStark (Jul 4, 2013)

workindad said:


> Op I understand the anger. Is IC an option for yourself to help with it? It really does help. I tried booze for a little while also. That does not help at all.
> 
> If you have the kids a lot the. Your wife has a chunk of free time. If you are considering R the. I strongly suggest you invest in the VARs WL mentioned. It will be a good investment and paying close attention now may help you decide what you want. You can always proceed with D and stop the process.
> 
> ...


 I never been big on counseling mostly because all of the counselors I meet so far aren’t very convincing. So I’m not that open to counseling. My wife has asked me to go with her to marriage counseling in the last few months but I always turned her down it was kind of a little too late to fix any problems we had that a should have been done before she decide to sleep with some else not now. Never been big on alcohol either I do drink. I have started to drink a little more but that’s more because of my brother. 

I’m still not sure if I want to R yet but I’m thinking about it more. If I do R then I will get my James bond on but I’m that their yet.

If you were given the chance to R would you have taken it or just continue with D.


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## TonyStark (Jul 4, 2013)

badbane said:


> Tony How did you find out she was cheating. how much do you know about her cheating. Are you legally separated if not I would consider that. Also I doubt her family knows a damn thing about what your wife does or doesn't do when she isn't sitting in their house. Have you done any snooping into her different accounts or checked to see if she is calling OM?


I found out be complete luck. I went to her laptop witch was on a night stand in our bedroom. Went on it to check my emails as I went to log in me I saw that she forgot to log herself out. I don’t know why but something told me to take quick look at all her emails and at first everything was good I looked in the trash found her last emails the OM.

Nah I’m not legally separated it never crossed my mind since D at the time was the own logic choice so I thought. Your right only she knows what she doing on her free time and if she lying to me and her family then that’s the end to this conversation because I won’t be going back not in this life time. I actually have checked her FB and twitter accounts she isn’t posting that much and she has deleted a lot of her friends she used to have about 3oo friends on both sites she has about half now. I haven’t found any trace of her and the OM contacting each other.


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## Michelleinmichigan (Jun 26, 2013)

Your kids and your family are THE most important things in your life. Your children need a father. Do whatever you need to do for now, but make your family complete again.

Think of it as an opportunity to be the king of the house. Once you let her back, it's under your rules.

She is young, and so are you. Families need protection of a father who makes sure they go to church, and are protected. Your children will be lost without you. If your wife has faith, she won't be vulnerable to these problems. Good luck


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## TonyStark (Jul 4, 2013)

Michelleinmichigan said:


> Your kids and your family are THE most important things in your life. Your children need a father. Do whatever you need to do for now, but make your family complete again.
> 
> Think of it as an opportunity to be the king of the house. Once you let her back, it's under your rules.
> 
> She is young, and so are you. Families need protection of a father who makes sure they go to church, and are protected. Your children will be lost without you. If your wife has faith, she won't be vulnerable to these problems. Good luck



I know my kids are the most important thing in my life. Will do anything and everything I have to make sure they are well taken care of. I would like for the 4 of us to be together again but like I said before I don’t trust her completely. Even though many would have considered our marriage to be a good one, we still had problems that I’m only now starting to realize. If I do go back and things go back to the way they were the same thing might happen and I don’t think I even want the same thing might happen and I don’t think I even want our old marriage even if she hadn’t had an affair. Things would out a doubt would need to change not just her but me also and I just don’t think we could do that.


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## TonyStark (Jul 4, 2013)

So after thinking about the possibility to R I have decided to talk to my wife about the actually affair and maybe even take a shot at R. Theirs a few thing about my wife’s affair that I don’t know about and I would like some answers. Even gave her another chance to come clean about anything she been hiding. After we talk and I get all the details I want I will decided if it’s to even worth try to R. given everything she has told so far is true then maybe we could R and build a stronger marriage. After reading few story’s her it seem a lot of people have R and are happy and the amount of lies and betrayal are a lot worse than what I had to go through. So thanks again for all the help.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

TonyStark said:


> If you were given the chance to R would you have taken it or just continue with D.


TS sorry for the delayed response. This is tough for me to answer as it would have depended on the receiving all of the details so I knew what I was being asked to reconcile. Also, believing that she was honest.

Aside from what I actually discovered on my own, she came clean about nothing else.

If that was all of it, and she had been remorseful and honest... Then yes I think would have given it a shot.

WD


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## TonyStark (Jul 4, 2013)

workindad said:


> TS sorry for the delayed response. This is tough for me to answer as it would have depended on the receiving all of the details so I knew what I was being asked to reconcile. Also, believing that she was honest.
> 
> Aside from what I actually discovered on my own, she came clean about nothing else.
> 
> ...


Yeah that’s what have learned most people given the chance and depending on how bad is the act betrayal was would give R a shot. Its betrayal also depends on the remorse and how honest the WS is. Is seem like wife is remorseful and does regret what she did. So why not try to forgive her and build a better marriage and I get to see my kids everyday not just and few day a week 

Here’s my new thread http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/97793-going-try-r.html


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