# new guy looking for guidance



## 97fordrunner

Morning all, just turned 35 (birthday was yesterday) and looking for guidance with my marriage. We have been married 9 years together 11. Being upfront I was emotionally unfaithful to her for a few years sparking up online relationships which I know took a toll. She was extremely sexual when we first got together and continued too be thru the birth of our first child 7 years ago. The shoe dropped about 5 years ago when I admitted my emotional infidelity. She wanted to work thru it as did I and we have. Since then she's harbored resentment and is no longer sexual unless I initiate but she enjoys it once the ball is rolling. The part I'm concerned with most is her lack of trying in regard to anything that is about me or for me weather it's sex or anything special. For instance I was hoping for a surprise b-day party for my 30th and actually ended up having to ask my family to come over since she had done nothing, the next year I panned a big surprise for her 30th and knocked it out of the park and I thought that might nudge her for the next year... Still no planning no party and every year since. This year my sister in-laws took matters into her own hands and invited their family as well as my folks to bring up their campers to spend the weekend, wife still didn't do anything and I had to invite my other brother and his family to come up. Sex is lost on her it seems, I had to beg her to even touch me last night. What can I do here? I have no idea how to tell her my disappointment without crushing her and driving her further down. We have an otherwise happy marriage as far as I know she's a stay at home mom and I work from home so we see each other a lot. I take good care of myself and she's working on it or at least she says some day sheep be back in shape and get interested in sex again though I don't know how that works for her.. Our kids are 7,3 and 14 months. Any advice would be great. Sorry for the vent in the hi section lol


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## chillymorn69

Let me get this straight.

Kids 7,3 and 14 months 

Emotional affair. 

And because you threw her a suprise party you expect her to throw one for you?

Moms with 3 young children often arn' t in the mood
Add a husband having an emotional affair and they really are not in the mood!


Boohoo i didn't get a suprise party ........see statement above.


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## 97fordrunner

I get the damage but when she says all is perfect and she's forgiven me. I would rather know she hasn't forgiven me and at least admit that's the issue rather than tell me all is well when it's clearly not


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## Andy1001

97fordrunner said:


> I get the damage but when she says all is perfect and she's forgiven me. I would rather know she hasn't forgiven me and at least admit that's the issue rather than tell me all is well when it's clearly not


I love the casual way you mentioned that you had been cheating “For a few years”.
What a selfless,stand up guy you are.


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## PreRaph

97fordrunner said:


> I get the damage but when she says all is perfect and she's forgiven me. I would rather know she hasn't forgiven me and at least admit that's the issue rather than tell me all is well when it's clearly not


You expect too much from your wife.


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## FrazzledSadHusband

Start with reading The 5 Love Languages, figure out what speaks to your wife. Your focused on what you want/like. What does your wife like/need??


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## Fazz

97fordrunner said:


> I get the damage but when she says all is perfect and she's forgiven me. I would rather know she hasn't forgiven me and at least admit that's the issue rather than tell me all is well when it's clearly not


There could be a multitude of things that are causing her to feel distant from you. Do the two of you regularly sit and have deep conversations? If not, perhaps try and initiate something on a regular basis, where the two of you in a respectful and safe way are able to share your thoughts on any area of your marriage. 

Open up to her and allow her to open up to you, and keep working on it on a regular basis, just ensure you are both respectful of each other's view, non-defensive and non-argumentative.

Be patient and give this a try for a few weeks and see if she opens up to you about why she is feeling distant from you. Also, make sure you also open up to her about your feelings. I don't see any reason why you can't open up to her about your expectations re birthday celebrations or whatever it is that makes you feel hurt.

If this doesn't help, then maybe consider getting help from a professional to assist you both in talking things through, however, make an effort by yourselves first, the process of discovery on your own can be quite valuable and meaningful.

Lastly, take my advice and that of others with a grain of salt, everyone is making a lot of assumptions and no one knows your situation better than yourself.


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## Fazz

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> Start with reading The 5 Love Languages, figure out what speaks to your wife. Your focused on what you want/like. What does your wife like/need??


This is a great book and an easy read, and if you are after a framework for dialogue (as per my earlier comment) within marriage, the book "*Mindful Matrimony: Enriching Your Marriage for the Rest of Your Lives*" by the Switzers has a dedicated section which I highly recommend.


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## sunsetmist

More likely she may be trying to forgive you (EAs are devastating) and your life changed when you admitted your infidelity. You have answered your own question. She cannot forget and does not feel safe enough with you to trust you. What kind of work have you done to restore or even better renew your relationship (except gaining two more children).

No party is a symptom of the illness in your marriage. I get bad vibes when I hear that she says she is 'working on herself'. How much have you contributed to her 'insufficient' feelings. SAHM with three children is hard work.

Do you babysit so she can have 'me' time? Do y'all work-out/walk together?

"We have an otherwise happy marriage as far as I know.." This statement and your self absorption indicate an immature and lacking understanding.......


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## guilty and regretful

So as a mom I can tell you it's tiring, and stressful, and she may be "touched out". Meaning all day she has three little minions grabbing her, hugging her, kissing her, begging to be held by her, pulling her hair, watching her pee....you get my point? 

Is she dealing with PPD? 

I hid mine from my husband with my first child and got the help I needed with my second. 

PPD can manifest itself in many ways and can last years, so 14 months is still in the realm of possibilities. 

Do you know she is harboring resentment, or is that just what you think is going on? How are your lines of communication?

My recent infidelity was due to lack of communication, emotional stress, unfocused priories, and bad choices, also a lot of Alcohol(4 weeks sober today)

My advice: Read the suggested books. Buy her a night away at a spa. Talk to her. Help out around the house if you don't already. Ask her what her interests are and help her pursue them. Remember that marriage is 100% investment in the other person from both parties. 
I lost sight of that for a bit.

Do what you can to help her and she just might start having those feelings again.

Also try touching her in non sexual ways more often, this will show her that you are interested in her for more than just sex. She is being used as a mom right now and it's possible she is feeling used for sex by you. Hold her hand when you walk. Stroke her hair when you watch a show. Hug her from behind when she's washing the dishes or cooking (brownie points for taking over the task afterwards)

Just find the little things that will bring a smile to her face and you should be good.


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## Evinrude58

97fordrunner said:


> Morning all, just turned 35 (birthday was yesterday) and looking for guidance with my marriage. We have been married 9 years together 11. Being upfront I was emotionally unfaithful to her for a few years sparking up online relationships which I know took a toll. She was extremely sexual when we first got together and continued too be thru the birth of our first child 7 years ago. The shoe dropped about 5 years ago when I admitted my emotional infidelity. She wanted to work thru it as did I and we have. Since then she's harbored resentment and is no longer sexual unless I initiate but she enjoys it once the ball is rolling. The part I'm concerned with most is her lack of trying in regard to anything that is about me or for me weather it's sex or anything special. For instance I was hoping for a surprise b-day party for my 30th and actually ended up having to ask my family to come over since she had done nothing, the next year I panned a big surprise for her 30th and knocked it out of the park and I thought that might nudge her for the next year... Still no planning no party and every year since. This year my sister in-laws took matters into her own hands and invited their family as well as my folks to bring up their campers to spend the weekend, wife still didn't do anything and I had to invite my other brother and his family to come up. Sex is lost on her it seems, I had to beg her to even touch me last night. What can I do here? I have no idea how to tell her my disappointment without crushing her and driving her further down. We have an otherwise happy marriage as far as I know she's a stay at home mom and I work from home so we see each other a lot. I take good care of myself and she's working on it or at least she says some day sheep be back in shape and get interested in sex again though I don't know how that works for her.. Our kids are 7,3 and 14 months. Any advice would be great. Sorry for the vent in the hi section lol


Your actions and “emotional affairS” have likely ruined her romantic feelings for you.
You deserve it. But if we all got what we deserve, we’d all be in dire straights.

It may take years of you showing her a husband that loves her, or her romantic feelings may never return.
Gotta pay to play.

Don’t know what to tell you.

Maybe have her hormones checked. May just be her libedo is low.

Oh, the party stuff is trivial. Three kids trumps party planning. Surely you gotta kno that.


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## Vinnydee

Do not discount things other than your EA which to some may be no big deal but to others, considered cheating. As the marriage proceeds through time it is not uncommon for sex to decrease. It is also not uncommon for sex to disappear after having kids. The kids tend to become the main focus of the wife and marriage in general. Then some also stop loving their spouse. I would not blame it all on your EA. More than half who marry get divorced, would be a lot more if we counted those in loveless marriages who stay together for he sake of the kids for financial reasons. When marriage was first developed, people died before they were 30. Now till death do us part means a much, much longer time than it use to and yet our marriage structure has not changed.

I think that in the future we will have marriage limited to a specific number of years after which you can walk away with just child support or renew for another term. So if I was you I would not just focus on the EA. Plus communicate better. You should know for a fact why your wife is behaving as she is and how you feel. It amazes me at home many married couples do not communicate when they are upset or hurt about something. Without communication you have no hope of finding the root cause and fixing it. 

We would never have gotten through 46 years of marriage without good communication and I both physically and emotionally cheated on my wife and told her. We worked past that. Not forgotten, but it did change our marriage to eliminate the reasons I did what I did on both ends.


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## sokillme

I don't know man, she was all into you and had your children and you cheated on her. From where I am sitting the fact that she is even with you is better then you deserve. If I were you I would tell her that every day.


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