# Anyone else wish they weren't divorced?



## ssl0412 (11 mo ago)

My divorce was literally just finalized this week and I have never cried so hard. I still love my husband and wish we were still together, but he doesn't love me anymore - so it's impossible. We tried counseling, everything and it didn't work. I know I have to accept this - we have three kids and I have to move on, but It's so hard. We get along fine, we co-parent well. He just doesn't love me. I am having such a hard time with this. I didn't realize that a piece of paper would hit me so hard after a year, but it has. Am I the only one?


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Divorce was hard for me, but she cheated and I knew I couldn't stay with someone who did that to me. It didn't mean that it wasn't painful though, it still sucked especially not being able to give my kids a two parent home. Time helped though, and I ended up with someone much better for me. It's hard now but some day you will find that you are better off like this than being with someone who doesn't feel the same way about you.


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## Rosequartz88 (11 mo ago)

I completely get where you are coming from, I have been separated for quite some time now and am dreading the divorce process. I still love my ex partner too and have the same scenario as you where my ex fell out of love. For me time has numbed me, but I still get my moments. Can't even begin to imagine being in another relationship. It's great you and your ex husband are co-parenting and there is no animosity between you both. It's the old cliche, but keep focused on you and your kids and find things to keep your mind busy from thinking. With regards to the feelings, it's a case of feeling them and hopefully over time the feelings will become less painful. Here if you need to talk.


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## ssl0412 (11 mo ago)

Rosequartz88 said:


> I completely get where you are coming from, I have been separated for over a year now and am dreading the divorce process. I still love my ex partner too and have the same scenario as you where she fell out of love. For me time has numbed me, but I still get my moments. Can't even begin to imagine being in another relationship. It's great you and your ex husband are co-parenting and there is no animosity between you both. It's the old cliche, but keep focused on you and your kids and find things to keep your mind busy from thinking. With regards to the feelings, it's a case of feeling them and hopefully over time the feelings will become less painful. Here if you need to talk.


Thank you, yes it seems you get what I'm saying. I keep hoping it will get less painful, but in the year we were separated it hasn't changed a bit. I'm just hoping therapy and time will drive it out. I don't know what else to do. Thank you for your kind words.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

The devastation for me came the day I found out something terrible about my then husband and had to ask him to leave. I couldn't emotionally deal with a divorce at that time so it was about 3 years before the divorce was actually finalized, about the same time I had a major operation. By then though the initial shock had got a little better. It's only time that really helps.
It must be very hard when you are still very much in love and don't want the divorce. I feel for you.
Now the divorce is finalized for you, you should begin slowly to be able to accept it and heal. You have to grieve for what was. 

I can only say that there is life after divorce. Six years after my marriage ended I met and married my now husband of 16 years. We have a really good marriage. 
I know that right now you can't see that. Nor could I in the early months and years. It will happen though.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

ssl0412 said:


> My divorce was literally just finalized this week and I have never cried so hard. I still love my husband and wish we were still together, but he doesn't love me anymore - so it's impossible. We tried counseling, everything and it didn't work. I know I have to accept this - we have three kids and I have to move on, but It's so hard. We get along fine, we co-parent well. He just doesn't love me. I am having such a hard time with this. I didn't realize that a piece of paper would hit me so hard after a year, but it has. Am I the only one?


Divorce always sucks no matter the reason. It's the death of the dreams you had for yourself; a lifetime marriage, a family, a happy home. 

At least you know you gave it your best shot, so although it's incredibly painful now, you'll be ok in time. I was forced to file (cheating exH) and I was still upset when I signed the final contract even though I don't think I loved my husband by then, he put me through too much crap. So no, you're certainly not alone feeling the pain and grief.

Were you hoping he would change his mind? I only ask because you say you still love your husband. Have you been to therapy for yourself?


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## ssl0412 (11 mo ago)

TXTrini said:


> Divorce always sucks no matter the reason. It's the death of the dreams you had for yourself; a lifetime marriage, a family, a happy home.
> 
> At least you know you gave it your best shot, so although it's incredibly painful now, you'll be ok in time. I was forced to file (cheating exH) and I was still upset when I signed the final contract even though I don't think I loved my husband by then, he put me through too much crap. So no, you're certainly not alone feeling the pain and grief.
> 
> Were you hoping he would change his mind? I only ask because you say you still love your husband. Have you been to therapy for yourself?


Yes, I was hoping he would change his mind until the other day. I would still take him back. I have been in therapy, but I still can't shake the love.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

ssl0412 said:


> My divorce was literally just finalized this week and I have never cried so hard. I still love my husband and wish we were still together, but he doesn't love me anymore - so it's impossible. We tried counseling, everything and it didn't work. I know I have to accept this - we have three kids and I have to move on, but It's so hard. We get along fine, we co-parent well. He just doesn't love me. I am having such a hard time with this. I didn't realize that a piece of paper would hit me so hard after a year, but it has. Am I the only one?


Divorced doesn't have to be your permanent status.


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## ssl0412 (11 mo ago)

I can't even think about another relationship


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

ssl0412 said:


> Yes, I was hoping he would change his mind until the other day. I would still take him back. I have been in therapy, but I still can't shake the love.


I'm sorry he didn't, but you need to question why you'd take back a man who's said and shown you he does not want you or love you.

It's time to love yourself as much as you love him.



ssl0412 said:


> I can't even think about another relationship


So don't!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ssl0412 said:


> I can't even think about another relationship


No nor could I for 4 years. That's when I began to think about it. 2 more years before I met my husband. 
You still love your husband so you will not be interested in anyone else for a long time probably.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Did he meet someone else? What were his reasons?


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

In a practical way, it would have been a lot easier and more convenient if my marriage didn't end. If we had stayed together we'd be counting down to early retirement and deciding what to do with basically all of her paycheck. We wouldn't have to coordinate where the kids would be and all of the logistics of making sure they have everything they need at each house or just deciding where they'll be each day.

On the other hand if she's got a ****ty attitude one day, I can literally completely stop contact until she wants to be civil. We don't have to agree on how to spend our time or money. I can find someone that wants to have sex.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The only thing I’m aware of that works in getting over someone is time. And it takes as long as it takes. One day — whenever that may be — you’ll realize that you’ve moved on. Until that day arrives, try not to obsess about him and keep busy so you don’t have time to think about him. It’s a difficult thing to love the person who gutted you but it doesn’t have to be permanent.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I feel the reason why you are still so broken hearted is that you still hoped he would come back. Until the divorce was over legally you still hoped. For you the marriage wasnt over. Now that its all done, you can hopefully begin to grieve and try and accept that its done and begin to move on a day at a time.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

Of course I didn't wish to be divorced, but I had to as my ex-husband cheated.

Like so many others, divorce was never something I wanted or thought would happen to me. I wanted to grow old with my husband and watch our grandkids playing in the yard while we sat on a front porch swing drinking lemonade.

To me, it's cut and dried though. I can't and won't stay with a cheater, period.

In many ways, I gave up a lot, at least according to some.

My ex-husband was a really good father. He bathed our 3 children each night. He put them to bed each night, with me as it was a family affair each night. We talked about their day, talked about the next day, we read books and when the children could read some, they read a bit too. Our dogs were in there too. We scratched their backs and then said prayers. It took about 30 mins each night and it was wonderful.

He coached little league and youth soccer and went on overnight cub scout trips too with our oldest son. He played with them in the yard. I was a stay at home mom when we began having children and the children would hide when he came home so they could "scare" him when he came in and he'd ham it up and the children loved it.

We all played hide and seek together, all 5 of us and our kids loved playing hide and seek with us and we loved it too.

He was a good provider. We lived in new homes (3 of our 4 were brand new and our oldest home we moved into was just 7 years old). I stayed at home with our children. I always drove new cars, he drove used cars to get him from A to B, home to work and back only as we drove my cars to shop, to go out, on vacations etc.

Our subdivision was nice, small, one way in and out, there was a pool up front for those of us living in the subdivision.

The fence separating our backyard from the field and woods behind us was due to their being horses back there. A teen girl would take riding lessons out there and we watched from our kitchen table or our back deck or in the back yard. We had a fire pit in the back yard, we made smores for the children out there often and sat around it many evenings with friends and neighbors too.

We were involved in church, I knew many women in the subdivision and being that I stayed at home I had plenty of time to see my girlfriends.

But my ex-husband cheated, so I divorced him.

I went from a new home that was just a few years old, in a great subdivision to living in a 2 bedroom apartment. My daughter and I shared a bedroom and my two boys shared the other room.

We went to a different church, my children had to give up many activities as they were in tons but with me going back to work full time and not having my husband to help ferry them around I wasn't able to keep them in all the activities they were in. While married, many weekends my husband would take off in one direction with 1 or 2 our children while I took off in another direction with 1 or 2 as they had games, practices and activities in different places in town and I couldn't do that when I was divorced.

I had to bathe the children each night after the divorce as my husband always did that. I had to clean the floors, vacuum, clean the showers and tubs as my husband had done all of things.

I had to begin doing laundry too as my husband did that throughout our marriage and even before we were married as he did my laundry for me in college.

In so many ways I had a fairytale life while married, except for his cheating.

Some, quite a few friends and family, told me to try and work it out but I don't subscribe to working it out with a cheater.

I hadn't worked in almost a decade. I gave up a nice house, in a nice subdivision to go live in a 2 bedroom apartment, sharing a bedroom with my daughter.

Less than a year after my divorce, I was in an accident and I totaled my fairly new Honda Odyssey minivan. I get this will sound bad, but I had to get a used car after that accident due to being divorced. I'd never had a used car while I was married. My husband had used cars, but mine were always new, nice, SUV's and minivans.

Had I still been married, I would have gotten another new car, but my ex-husband cheated so I divorced him.

I didn't want to be divorced, I didn't wish that for myself or my children, but he cheated.

That I hadn't worked for a bit over 9 years wasn't going to keep me married to a cheater.

That I'd be giving up a nice house in a nice subdivision and that I'd have to go back to work and that my kids would have to give up many activities didn't stop me from divorcing my lying cheating ex-husband.


I'm with you, I didn't want or wish to be divorced, at all, but I wasn't given a choice when he cheated.

He cheated and that ended our marriage. His cheating ended our marriage, not me.

My life became much more difficult after I divorced my ex-husband, but I couldn't have lived with myself had I stayed with a cheater.

I "lost" friends and I don't mean like when folks quit being friends with someone who cheated, I "lost" friends by moving away from my subdivision and having to go back to work while those ladies still didn't work and still lived in my old subdivision. I wasn't able to see them daily, hang out with them anymore living across town and working full time.

My children lost many good friends too that lived next to us, across the street from us and in other houses in the subdivision.

My children had to go to different schools too after the divorce.

It was cut and dried for me though. The trust was gone, he blew our lives up, not me.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

ssl0412 said:


> My divorce was literally just finalized this week and I have never cried so hard. I still love my husband and wish we were still together, but he doesn't love me anymore - so it's impossible. We tried counseling, everything and it didn't work. I know I have to accept this - we have three kids and I have to move on, but It's so hard. We get along fine, we co-parent well. He just doesn't love me. I am having such a hard time with this. I didn't realize that a piece of paper would hit me so hard after a year, but it has. Am I the only one?


I have a very similar story. We got along, co parented magnificently, didn't fight, etc. If marriages were fortune 500 companies, mine ran like one. My ex husband fell out of "in love" and wanted out after 23 years together. Like you, I was devastated; kept thinking he would change his mind but that never happened. He had my replacement waiting in the wings.

It's been 3 years since my divorce and there are days I wish I was still married, not because I still love him, those days are long gone, but because life was "easier" married than single (remember, Fortune 500 run company). 

As others have said, it's going to take you time to work through your emotions and accept your new life as normal. 

Having gratitude for the positive in my life helped me immensely. My entire outlook changed once I stopped pinning away for what I had and accepted what I have. 

The best thing you can do is assume you will be unpartnered the rest of your life and then work out a plan for a solo future. Think about all of the different areas where you can set short term and long term goals: financial, career, philanthropic, spiritual, physical, and lifestyle. Write them down and spend your free time achieving them. Don't make "stop thinking about the ex" or "get over my divorce" a goal. Getting over those things will happen automatically when you have successfully redirected your thoughts to other things.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

This is a process. I am assuming he wanted the divorce and you did not? Was he having an affair?
I have been married and divorced twice. My first husband was having an affair and left me for her, leaving me with our two children which he pretty much abandoned at the time of the divorce. I had not seen it coming and once I found out the pace of the divorced process sped up. I was a MESS! My whole world changed in a blink of an eye. He had been planning this, quit his job so he could show the Court he had no money to pay child support and I was grated only $50 a child for support. Just before the divorce we took out a debt consolidation loan that had his business expenses rolled into. He then walked away from everything. He and the lady he had the affair with broke up about a year later and he quickly married another lady who he treated even worse than he did me and I then saw what an awful man he was and I was only thankful for our divorce. So just watch this man now and you might see him in a different light.

I divorced my second husband. I got to the point I could not stand him, I hated to be around him, I avoided him, I did not like to see him or talk to him, I did not want him to ouch me. When I left it felt completely freeing to me. I know I hurt him but I could no longer live the way we were. 

Sometimes the person who gets left has to pick up the pieces of their life. If you need to contact a counselor, do so. Surround yourself with those family members and friends who can offer you support.


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