# An Ex-GF emailed my husband



## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

Hi... so my husband received an email through FB from an ex-gf. In the email she just asked how he was doing. When he got home I brought up the email ( I have access to his FB acct ) and he said that he didn't feel that he needed to respond to her. We started arguing about it and I wanted him at least say something about being married now and to not contact him. Am I overreacting to this? Or is not responding to her okay also?


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

He should respond to her and let her know he is married and cannot correspond with her. You are not out of line wanting this.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

If she doesn't keep trying to contact it, it is probably a clear sign by not responding that he is either married or otherwise not interested. I would leave it alone unless it keeps happening. And give your husband a kiss for not wanting to talk to an ex. A lot of people do!


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## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

Ok, I guess I didn't give clear picture of what he said when we were arguing about it. He gave me an indication that he did want to talk to her and see how she is doing. He said that in a good marriage people should be able to talk to exes and it should be okay as long as the communication is only once in a while and not everyday.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I agree with your husband. Many here won't.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I definitely don't agree with his thinking. 

Not every affair starts from communication with an ex but many do.


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## Faeleaf (Jul 22, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> I agree with your husband. Many here won't.


I completely don't see the point of this argument.

If he's a good, decent man, then you can trust him. What he says he wants - to talk to an exgf and find out how she is - is a perfectly reasonable thing to want. It might show that he's a kind person who doesn't flame out and burn bridges with ex's when they break up...isn't that a good thing? 

You'll only hurt your relationship with a good, decent man by behaving as if he isn't one. As if you have to keep a pen around him or he'll wander afar and land in someone else's pants. That's going to sting him no matter what, when he hasn't done anything wrong.

If he's a bit of a scumbag, then again...there's no point in arguing about this. You won't be able to "control" him or prevent him from sleeping around, no matter how many "No thanks - I have a great loving wife!" emails you coerce him into sending out. 

I don't know your spouse, so I don't know if he's decent or a scumbag, or any shade in between. I am reasonably sure that you won't get what you want this way, regardless of who is really is.


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## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

Well, the thing is he had contact with an ex-gf and ended up having a year long EA with her including having the ex-gf sending nude pics of herself. I think he has already established that he cant be trusted with ex-gfs.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

That would have been helpful to know in the beginning. That does change answers a bit...


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## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

Ok, sorry about that ...


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## Faeleaf (Jul 22, 2014)

ConstantSpeed said:


> Well, the thing is he had contact with an ex-gf and ended up having a year long EA with her including having the ex-gf sending nude pics of herself. I think he has already established that he cant be trusted with ex-gfs.


That's going to be true no matter what you do, though. That's my point. You can't prevent him from cheating on you again by telling him to email this girl and telling her to back off. You couldn't control it if you make him wear a studded collar with your name on it. You won't have a happy marriage by finding a defective guy and then controlling the hell out of him so he can't color outside the lines. It doesn't work.

Believe me, I understand the impulse to want to protect yourself from another affair. You can't do it this way, though. You don't make someone suddenly trustworthy, by making sure they know you don't trust them. 

How did you guys recover from the last EA? Did he identify what led to it the first time? (Not enough sex, personal stress, a character flaw, etc?)


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

He obviously hasn't learned anything about boundaries and relationships. Until he does, this will continue. 

What was the ramifications of his ea last time?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

I was a good wife. His philandering had nothing to do with me. The counselor that he went to said he had some sort of porn addiction and entitlement issues.


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## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

After I found out about the EA and nude pics I filed for divorce. He begged for another chance and he started going to IC for a few months. I stopped the divorce after he changed jobs. But since his new job was more demanding it was a little harder for him to continue IC.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You took it that far, and he still doesn't understand chatting it up with ex's is a bad idea?

He's never going to learn. Your life with him will be spent being his nanny. Just IMHO. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

PBear, We were only married for 1 year and at the time he wasn't a good husband AT ALL. So add in an EA and nude pics from a coworker and I was over our marriage at the time.


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## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

I should just let him get himself in trouble again so I can actually follow through with the divorce this time.


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## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

Sorry, I'm just tired of this sh$t....


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## Faeleaf (Jul 22, 2014)

I might be an oddball, but I don't think it was chatting with ex's that caused the EA. Yes, there's a shared emotional history with ex's, and that can make them convenient and easy targets for affairs, if your guy is already inclined to have affairs. But honestly, this guy is surrounded every day with women he could cheat on you with. He works with them, he stands next to them in line at the grocery store, and yes, he emails them online. You could encase him in bubble and he could still be winking at the nurse who came in to change his oxygen tanks. 

Let me tell you, my heart goes out to you. My first husband cheated on me multiple times, and I am convinced I was a good wife. Let me ask you though...if your husband is the kind of guy who would cheat on a good wife who did nothing wrong...what's to prevent him from doing it again? If you answer "making sure he never contacts an ex again," let me save you the trouble. That won't save you.


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## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

We went to MC a few times because I thought that yes maybe I could have contributed to the EA but when it came down to it my husband said that I was practically a perfect wife if there ever was such a thing in his eyes. That I totally satisfied him . I know I have my flaws but I gave 110% to my marriage at that time. 
I don't think it's just an ex that he might cheat on me with it could honestly be anyone. But the fact that he did cheat on me with an ex-gf and he STILL wants to keep in contact with another ex- girlfriend. Make me feel like my pain was in vain.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

He cheated after being married for 1 yr. it continued for a yr with a coworker. He had another affair with an ex. He is contacted by an ex and has the nerve to tell his wife that he wants to contact her. This from a serial cheater early in a good marriage. Do you want to spend your life keeping your eye on your husband? Checking up on him. Putting up with the other coworkers who send him naked pic that he thinks he entitled to? Just so you know an entitled serial cheater is the worse kind. They don't stop. You have decades to deal with his cheating. If you have children with him, your life will get more miserable because you will be stuck. 

I am not sure why you let yourself be convinced by his begging. He may want the convenience of a wife to have sex, cook and clean and have children but he has no intention of deying himself some action on the side. It's up to you. You can choose a life of repeated pain and humiliation or D and find a man who is worth having a good wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

He had one EA, his co-worker was the ex-gf that sent him naked pics. The co-worker/ex-gf works in another state. If he had another affair of any type I'd most likely be gone. It's just that I see signs that he didn't learn from the first EA because he wants to have contact with a different ex-gf one that he hasn't spoken to in like 15 years.


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## Faeleaf (Jul 22, 2014)

ConstantSpeed said:


> We went to MC a few times because I thought that yes maybe I could have contributed to the EA but when it came down to it my husband said that I was practically a perfect wife if there ever was such a thing in his eyes. That I totally satisfied him . I know I have my flaws but I gave 110% to my marriage at that time.
> I don't think it's just an ex that he might cheat on me with it could honestly be anyone. But the fact that he did cheat on me with an ex-gf and he STILL wants to keep in contact with another ex- girlfriend. Make me feel like my pain was in vain.


Your pain is never in vain, unless you don't learn anything from it. But the learning doesn't come all at once. And sometimes, the pain doesn't come all at once either. It didn't for me. It was several years of learning the whole truth about who I married, coming out in bits and pieces. 

The thing is though - he is who he is. He's either the kind of guy who is going to do this again and again, or he's reformed, learned from his mistakes, and you don't have anything to worry about anymore. You can't make an informed decision until you, you know, get informed. And the sooner you get informed, the better!

Another poster (sorry I can't remember who) said elsewhere, "You learn a lot more about people by letting them do what they want, then by trying to control them." I'm a big believer in that. Why not let him contact this girl - even encourage him to contact this girl, and then see what you are dealing with?


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Knowing that he had an EA with a ex-gf that was a year long affair changes the picture.
You & him need to have boundry discussions... and he needs a release/out other than ex-gf's. Does he have any male friends he can hang out with when he wants to vent about you?


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

ConstantSpeed said:


> Hi... so my husband received an email through FB from an ex-gf. In the email she just asked how he was doing. When he got home I brought up the email ( I have access to his FB acct ) and he said that he didn't feel that he needed to respond to her. We started arguing about it and I wanted him at least say something about being married now and to not contact him. Am I overreacting to this? Or is not responding to her okay also?


You shouldn't be snooping in his fb account.

Unless they meet up or are having late night conversations I wouldn't worry about it (if there is no progression)

How is your own relationship with your husband?

Is his exgf happily married? or no idea?

Did they have a 'good' breakup or was it mainly one sided?

If I was a chick I would just let it slide and focus on treating each other right. The best thing the two of you can do is make each other happy. If he takes good care of you and you take good care of him  he'd be a fool to mess up a good thing.

Did you every have guys cheat on you before? Do you have uncleared up baggage that is haunting this relationship?

How is your self-esteem? and self image?

Does she look 2x more attractive than you?

Sorry for the bluntness, just curious about the above questions.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

ConstantSpeed said:


> I should just let him get himself in trouble again so I can actually follow through with the divorce this time.


No, save yourself the trouble.

If there are no kids involved you have to choose for yourself. 

Leave him now, and file. If he does not come after you, or if he does and you are not convinced he got the message very very fundamental: Divorce.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bjchristian said:


> You shouldn't be snooping in his fb account.
> 
> Unless they meet up or are having late night conversations I wouldn't worry about it (if there is no progression)
> 
> ...


You must not have read her additional posts. He's cheating in this marriage before. We call these types serial cheaters.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ConstantSpeed said:


> He had one EA, his co-worker was the ex-gf that sent him naked pics. The co-worker/ex-gf works in another state. If he had another affair of any type I'd most likely be gone. It's just that I see signs that he didn't learn from the first EA because he wants to have contact with a different ex-gf one that he hasn't spoken to in like 15 years.


In order to recover from an affair, a couple has to learn that the weaknesses are in their relationship and in themselves. Then they have to put boundaries in place in the relationship to protect the marriage from these weaknesses.

Your husband as a weakness in that he has bad/no boundaries. One of the things that is typically done to protect from this is transparency in a marriage. That means that each of you as all passwords, etc to other's online accounts, cell phones, etc.

You can see why this is necessary. It makes it very hard to keep the secrecy that is needed for affairs. In your case you discovered that once again he has crossed the line. So in a good recovery he will welcome you reminding him of the promise he's made to not do this sort of thing ever again.

Now, if he does not want to live in a marriage in which you are both transparent with the each other and in which radical honesty exists he can leave. It's not you forcing him to stay.

And... there is no way that you should stay in a marriage in which he insists on having inappropriate relationships. He has injured you in the past, so he cannot have relationships with women that make you feel threatened.

At this point, if you want to divorce him you are justified.

Or if you want to have more reason to leave, just let it go. He's have his new affair and then you can get all angry and file. 

IT's up to you.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think you and he need to have a long conversation about his weaknesses and avoiding temptation. You believe he can't control himself. He thinks he doesn't have a problem. His actions prove that he in fact cannot control himself, therefore, starting up conversations with exGFs who approach him is like putting a steak near a fat dog and hoping it won't eat it. The dog will eat it whether it's hungry or not, that's why it's fat.

As for wanting him to contact her to say no contact, initially I wondered why you'd bother, I would've thought no contact would be better, but considering his affair, I can see why you'd feel the need for it.

Edited to add: yes, you can tell your DH that I called him a fat dog, lol


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

See_Listen_Love said:


> No, save yourself the trouble.
> 
> If there are no kids involved you have to choose for yourself.
> 
> Leave him now, and file. If he does not come after you, or if he does and you are not convinced he got the message very very fundamental: Divorce.


no kids and a cheating spouse. 

This is a layup. This is an extra point. An intentional walk.

Peace the F out. 

That said, I think him not answering her is good. Though he could be taking it underground. Either way, cheating and no kids? Thats an easy exit.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

ConstantSpeed said:


> Hi... so my husband received an email through FB from an ex-gf. In the email she just asked how he was doing. When he got home I brought up the email ( I have access to his FB acct ) and he said that he didn't feel that he needed to respond to her. We started arguing about it and I wanted him at least say something about being married now and to not contact him. Am I overreacting to this? Or is not responding to her okay also?


Why doesn't his FB account say that he's married? A person's relatioship status shows up right there on the profile.


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## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

During the time that I discovered the EA/nude pics (this was about 2yrs ago) from the coworker we both read that book by Shirley Glass – NOT “Just Friends” and we had a lot of discussions regarding female coworkers and boundaries. I got the impression that he understood what went wrong and that boundaries were necessary. I even remember that the MC we were seeing even said to look at every woman as a threat to your marriage since he has already broken my trust. I guess I’ll try having another serious conversation with him.


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## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

But sometimes I just feel like I’m just prolonging the inevitable that he’ll end up having another affair. 
Also, there are no kids involved.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Now, if he does not want to live in a marriage in which you are both transparent with the each other and in which radical honesty exists he can leave. It's not you forcing him to stay.


:iagree:


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

ConstantSpeed said:


> But sometimes I just feel like I’m just prolonging the inevitable that he’ll end up having another affair.
> Also, there are no kids involved.


You should be positive and not think that. You CAN Jinx yourself you know.

And also, he needs to continuesly assure you that he is trust worthy as well.

Look, he was honest and told you about the email. I think ignoring it is smart!!! 

I don't see a problem, but I do see YOU creating a problem. Which tells him that his honest in the future will be met with doubts/trust issues and drama.

YOU DO NOT WANT HIM TO THINK THAT.

I would suggest that you apologize for overreacting and accept that ignoring it is a proper way of handling it. Also I would thank him for his honesty and sharing this info for you.

Sounds like you have a good man.


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## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

jaharthur said:


> Why doesn't his FB account say that he's married? A person's relatioship status shows up right there on the profile.


You know, I asked him that and he said that he never saw the relationship status question on FB it's just blank on his FB page. Which is bull he just decided not to put down that he was married to begin with. And I didn't push the issue with him to change it to married.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Faeleaf said:


> Another poster (sorry I can't remember who) said elsewhere, "*You learn a lot more about people by letting them do what they want, then by trying to control them.*"


:iagree: And remember another saying: "*When people show you who they are, believe them."*


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## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

So by the end of our argument I told him to do whatever he wants, if he wants to email her to see how she is doing and see what happens to our marriage then that’s fine. We’ll just have to wait and see. I don’t feel safe with him and I’m starting not to care anymore. When I told him that his demeanor totally changed from being really angry to being sad. He said that he didn’t REALLY want to talk to her, that he has never thought about her since a years ago and that he’ll send her an email to not contact him.


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## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

After he sent the email he was crying in the living room saying that he doesn’t know why he said all that stuff to me about staying in contact with her and he was sorry for not making me feel safe.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He said it because he didn't believe you were serious and would put your marriage on the line. Now he knows.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DoF said:


> You should be positive and not think that. You CAN Jinx yourself you know.
> 
> And also, he needs to continuesly assure you that he is trust worthy as well.
> *
> ...


He did not tell her about the email. She found the email and asked him about it.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

ConstantSpeed said:


> Ok, I guess I didn't give clear picture of what he said when we were arguing about it. He gave me an indication that he did want to talk to her and see how she is doing. He said that in a good marriage people should be able to talk to exes and it should be okay as long as the communication is only once in a while and not everyday.


Something very similar happened to me a few years ago and I didn't deal with it too well, but the end result was where it had to be.

Long Story Short: My wife’s sister made friends on Facebook with an ex-boyfriend of my wife’s from HS days. He asked my SIL to give him my wife’s e-mail address so they can catch-up and my (stupid) SIL connected them. Well, I discovered the e-mails between my wife and her ex and I thought my head was going to explode. While the e-mails were fairly benign, it was clear to me that this guy was fishing. And to top it off this guy lived fairly close to us and suggested that they get together one day to talk about “old times”. Well the first thing I did was I copied the e-mails for myself and then I deleted them from her e-mail box. I sent him an e-mail from my wife's e-mail account and said that if he tried to contact my wife again, I would be having a conversation with his wife. Then I deleted his email address from her address book and I put a block on his mail address so no e-mails could get in from him or out to him. I then blocked Facebook at the router (no access to Facebook for anyone in the house) and then I waited for my wife to say something. When she did, I told her I found the e-mails, which as I said were benign, and I said that I didn't like her being in contact with an ex-boyfriend without my knowing about it. After a very heated discussion I told her if she wants to have a relationship of any kind, no matter how innocent, with her old HS boyfriend, she has to leave the marriage; I had no plans to make it easy for another guy to hit on her. I also told her that when the kids ask me why they can't access Facebook, I will tell them why. After a week, she agreed not to contact him again.

I know it was very controlling and agressive, but I couldn't have the end result go any other way. If she insisted on keeping contact, it was going to get ugly.

Stick you your guns with your husband, you are doing the right thing.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

ConstantSpeed said:


> After he sent the email he was crying in the living room saying that he doesn’t know why he said all that stuff to me about staying in contact with her and he was sorry for not making me feel safe.


It's bad news that he does not know. That means when other temptations present themselves, he won't know why he takes the bait. He sound childish and seems to expect you to take care of him but he seems incapable of taking care of you. Is this your impression? Do you find that he is more like your child and not a man who can make his way in the world. 

What will happen if you have children with this child/man? It takes a lot of sacrifice and selflessness to nurture kids for 18 or more years. The stress might throw him into the arms of a little diversion. I wouldn't have children with him. If you want children, dump him and find a stable man.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Wow Middleman, I have to admire your determination. Think I'd feel a bit ashamed if my DH felt he had to do all that.

OP, I agree with Catherine602, he really does sound childish. I'm married with children and we've had some rough patches. If DH had been childish, it would've been hell. He might grow up though, given time.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

breeze said:


> Wow Middleman, I have to admire your determination. Think I'd feel a bit ashamed if my DH felt he had to do all that.


Truthfully, I don't think that I had to do 'all that', that was just how I reacted to what I saw. In hind sight, I think that all I needed to do was print the e-mails out, give them to her and say 'This ain't happening anymore'. My guess is it would have ended at that. She got more upset with me for how I went about it,than my saying she couldn't be in contact with the EX. In any event, it all worked out in the end. The one must thing was the e-mail to the EX blasting him. My wife wouldn't want to show her face to him if she knew what I wrote.


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## spunkycat08 (Nov 14, 2013)

jaharthur said:


> Why doesn't his FB account say that he's married? A person's relationship status shows up right there on the profile.


That did not stop a female who briefly dated my husband when the two of them were in their early twenties from responding to a post of his in a flirty manner.

My husband and I have a joint Facebook page, and this happened on our page.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

ConstantSpeed said:


> Hi... so my husband received an email through FB from an ex-gf. In the email she just asked how he was doing. When he got home I brought up the email ( I have access to his FB acct ) and he said that he didn't feel that he needed to respond to her. We started arguing about it and I wanted him at least say something about being married now and to not contact him. Am I overreacting to this? Or is not responding to her okay also?


I wouldn't respond to it at all, and that should be enough for both women to know what's what.

And that should be enough.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

spunkycat08 said:


> That did not stop a female who briefly dated my husband when the two of them were in their early twenties from responding to a post of his in a flirty manner.
> 
> My husband and I have a joint Facebook page, and this happened on our page.


Why are either of you friends with his ex on Facebook?

Isn't that to, you know, facilitate communication?


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## spunkycat08 (Nov 14, 2013)

marduk said:


> *Why are either of you friends with his ex on Facebook?*
> 
> Isn't that to, you know, facilitate communication?


Regarding the bolded part in pink...

That particular ex is not a Facebook friend of mine.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

spunkycat08 said:


> Regarding the bolded part in pink...
> 
> That particular ex is not a Facebook friend of mine.


How is she posting on your page then? Is it public?


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## spunkycat08 (Nov 14, 2013)

marduk said:


> How is she posting on your page then? Is it public?


She is a Facebook friend of his on our page. It is public.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Zouz said:


> even a trustworthy man will go into EA if his wife can't satisfy his need and cancer of the soul attack the marriage .
> 
> in my case this happened after 16 yrs of neglection
> 
> ...


As a happy husband you COULD talk but perhaps would not be tempted.

Did your ex look at you as a potential sex partner?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Zouz said:


> even a trustworthy man will go into EA if his wife can't satisfy his need and cancer of the soul attack the marriage .
> 
> in my case this happened after 16 yrs of neglection
> 
> ...


Ummm You sound so miserable. Is that what R is all about? A return to dispair? If not, you are not in R, what are you doing then?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

spunkycat08 said:


> She is a Facebook friend of his on our page. It is public.


Exes should never be part of your social media. If there is some necessary communication, e.g. about children, then use email or telephone (with full transparency with your current spouse).

There is too much danger in exes. Just ask any MC and they'll confirm the ex is the #1 affair partner, because it is so easy to jump back in bed with someone you've previously had sex with.

Brad Paisley _nails it_ in this song, Facebook Friends.

Brad Paisley-FaceBook Friends - YouTube


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## spunkycat08 (Nov 14, 2013)

Thor said:


> Exes should never be part of your social media. If there is some necessary communication, e.g. about children, then use email or telephone (with full transparency with your current spouse).
> 
> There is too much danger in exes. Just ask any MC and they'll confirm the ex is the #1 affair partner, because it is so easy to jump back in bed with someone you've previously had sex with.
> 
> ...


I asked him how he knew her. Turns out they dated when they briefly dated back in the early 1990's. I replied to her Facebook post on our page as his wife.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

spunkycat08 said:


> they briefly dated back in the early 1990's


There's no reason for any contact between them then. No kids, no co-ownership of property or a business, no family connection.

My sister is a therapist who does a significant amount of MC and couple's therapy. She tells me that 2 things have changed dramatically in her practice over the past 25 years. The incidence of infidelity in couples coming for counseling used to be a minority, but now it is virtually 100% of couples. And, now social media is a player in 100% of her cases.

There is simply very high risk in having any contact with an ex.

Brad Paisley really got the dynamics correct of an affair started on social media. It can start innocently, but the people are emotionally transported back to their younger self. The endorphins start up instantly, creating the glow of the fantasy. One person or the other is likely to fall in to the trap.


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## spunkycat08 (Nov 14, 2013)

Thor said:


> There's no reason for any contact between them then. No kids, no co-ownership of property or a business, no family connection.
> 
> My sister is a therapist who does a significant amount of MC and couple's therapy. She tells me that 2 things have changed dramatically in her practice over the past 25 years. The incidence of infidelity in couples coming for counseling used to be a minority, but now it is virtually 100% of couples. And, now social media is a player in 100% of her cases.
> 
> ...


I spoke to my husband about this. Both of us are going to watch our joint Facebook page for any inappropriate posts from her. If either one of us sees any, she will be deleted from our friend list.

After I replied to her flirty post, she replied to my post by stating... hi **and my name**... I said hi. 

She then asked "how is the weather where you are?". I replied... humid.

She never replied after that.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Thor said:


> There's no reason for any contact between them then. No kids, no co-ownership of property or a business, no family connection.
> 
> My sister is a therapist who does a significant amount of MC and couple's therapy. She tells me that 2 things have changed dramatically in her practice over the past 25 years. The incidence of infidelity in couples coming for counseling used to be a minority, but now it is virtually 100% of couples. And, now social media is a player in 100% of her cases.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Out of the blue contact from an ex is a bunch of BS. If they are true friends, then there would be a shared CURRENT interest & they would have regular or semi-regular contact. Usually, the contact is about fishing for a bite because they (ex) are lonely or are in a bad marriage/relationship. When I was in a bad marriage (pre-TAM), I was guilty of "fishing" an ex once in awhile & thankfully, they shut me down. I am now horrified at what I did & learned so much about EA's on TAM.

OP - If my husband was fished by an ex, I would ask that he write her back that he is happy & married so best not to contact him again. If he refused, then we have a problem.


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## spunkycat08 (Nov 14, 2013)

Emerald said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Out of the blue contact from an ex is a bunch of BS. If they are true friends, then there would be a shared CURRENT interest & they would have regular or semi-regular contact. Usually, the contact is about fishing for a bite because they (ex) are lonely or are in a bad marriage/relationship. When I was in a bad marriage (pre-TAM), I was guilty of "fishing" an ex once in awhile & thankfully, they shut me down. I am now horrified at what I did & learned so much about EA's on TAM.
> 
> OP - If my husband was fished by an ex, I would ask that he write her back that he is happy & married so best not to contact him again. If he refused, then we have a problem.


I e-mailed this particular post to my husband.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

spunkycat08 said:


> She is a Facebook friend of his on our page. It is public.


Wait, you're ok with him friending her on Facebook but not contacting him?

I'm confused.


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## lostinca (Jul 25, 2014)

My affair began exactly like this. An old "girl" friend contacted me on facebook and I didn't respond thinking that was good enough. Months went by and then another message was received from her saying something along the lines of "I don't know if you are mad at me, but I hope life is treating you well". This was received at a time when my rocky marriage was at an all time low, and I took the temptation to message her back. I justified it to myself by feeling a responsibility to make sure she knew I was not mad. That was all it took to open Pandora's box. I had never been anything beyond friends with this girl, although she knew I was totally in love with her during our friendship. Looking back I am not sure if it would have changed anything, but I wished I had just messaged her back letting her know I was married and communicating was not respectful to my wife and my marriage. I don't think your request is out of line. I obviously don't know your husband or your marriage, but that is like looking at a low hanging fruit if your marriage hits a rough patch. He may not take the fruit, but if it's right there.


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## ajheart (Jul 28, 2014)

ConstantSpeed said:


> Hi... so my husband received an email through FB from an ex-gf. In the email she just asked how he was doing. When he got home I brought up the email ( I have access to his FB acct ) and he said that he didn't feel that he needed to respond to her. We started arguing about it and I wanted him at least say something about being married now and to not contact him. Am I overreacting to this? Or is not responding to her okay also?


He's fine. Eventually the woman will go away. Don't overthink it.


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## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> Something very similar happened to me a few years ago and I didn't deal with it too well, but the end result was where it had to be.
> 
> Long Story Short: My wife’s sister made friends on Facebook with an ex-boyfriend of my wife’s from HS days. He asked my SIL to give him my wife’s e-mail address so they can catch-up and my (stupid) SIL connected them. Well, I discovered the e-mails between my wife and her ex and I thought my head was going to explode. While the e-mails were fairly benign, it was clear to me that this guy was fishing. And to top it off this guy lived fairly close to us and suggested that they get together one day to talk about “old times”. Well the first thing I did was I copied the e-mails for myself and then I deleted them from her e-mail box. I sent him an e-mail from my wife's e-mail account and said that if he tried to contact my wife again, I would be having a conversation with his wife. Then I deleted his email address from her address book and I put a block on his mail address so no e-mails could get in from him or out to him. I then blocked Facebook at the router (no access to Facebook for anyone in the house) and then I waited for my wife to say something. When she did, I told her I found the e-mails, which as I said were benign, and I said that I didn't like her being in contact with an ex-boyfriend without my knowing about it. After a very heated discussion I told her if she wants to have a relationship of any kind, no matter how innocent, with her old HS boyfriend, she has to leave the marriage; I had no plans to make it easy for another guy to hit on her. I also told her that when the kids ask me why they can't access Facebook, I will tell them why. After a week, she agreed not to contact him again.
> 
> ...


Middleman, thanks for sharing your story! I’m glad you were able to catch their communication and nib it in the bud before it turned to something more hurtful. What makes me sad is that we’ve had to deal with a previous EA on his part a couple of years ago and I was hoping that he would react a little differently this time to an ex-gf contacting him.


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## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> It's bad news that he does not know. That means when other temptations present themselves, he won't know why he takes the bait. He sound childish and seems to expect you to take care of him but he seems incapable of taking care of you. Is this your impression? Do you find that he is more like your child and not a man who can make his way in the world.
> 
> What will happen if you have children with this child/man? It takes a lot of sacrifice and selflessness to nurture kids for 18 or more years. The stress might throw him into the arms of a little diversion. I wouldn't have children with him. If you want children, dump him and find a stable man.


You could say that there are two sides of him. Yes, at times he seems really childish and selfish I guess when I comes to his marriage to me. It can get really frustrating. But when it comes down to his job he seems to manage his career pretty well, he is respected and can navigate the real world when it comes to his career.


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

I was going to write that if your marriage is ok nothing wrong with connecting with old friends even boyfriend/girlfriends. I don't like FB becuase it allows a mechanism for people in trouble with their marriage to seek out inappropriate relationships; however, that is not really an issue with FB or technology in general but a problem with human beings. Seeing that he has this crap before I do not think it is ok. Sorry he is doing this - not fair to you.


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## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

Emerald said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Out of the blue contact from an ex is a bunch of BS. If they are true friends, then there would be a shared CURRENT interest & they would have regular or semi-regular contact. Usually, the contact is about fishing for a bite because they (ex) are lonely or are in a bad marriage/relationship. When I was in a bad marriage (pre-TAM), I was guilty of "fishing" an ex once in awhile & thankfully, they shut me down. I am now horrified at what I did & learned so much about EA's on TAM.
> 
> OP - If my husband was fished by an ex, I would ask that he write her back that he is happy & married so best not to contact him again. If he refused, then we have a problem.


Emerald, he ended up sending her an email to not contact him. Which I am glad he did but only after a VERY heated argument.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

ConstantSpeed said:


> Emerald, he ended up sending her an email to not contact him. Which I am glad he did but only after a VERY heated argument.


Just be vigalent and continue to check. He seems to fit the old saying: "Once a cheater, always a cheater". Always preserve your self respect and your dignity, you don't have to take any sh1t from him on this. I guess it's good that he didn't cross a 'physical' line because in my mind there is no forgiving a physical affair ... period.


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## spunkycat08 (Nov 14, 2013)

marduk said:


> Wait, you're ok with him befriending her on Facebook but not contacting him?
> 
> I'm confused.


My husband's ex replied to a status update of his, which was *not *directed towards anyone in particular. She replied to it in a flirty manner. That was the first time that I saw any reply to a Facebook status update of his from her.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

If he had an EA with an ex, I'm wondering why the bells didn't alarm off in his head that this was bad. Doesn't sound like he learned anything from that.

You can STOP him from talking to exes, but if he didn't get that message loud and clear, it sounds like the issue wasn't really solved.

This is something that I struggled with (and still do I guess), you can't STOP someone from having bad boundaries. You can point out your feelings and let them determine whether or not they will respect them. If you're having to play offensive line to keep your spouse from cheating, you're in a bad relationship. You are not responsible for preventing a cheating spouse from cheating.


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## Centurions (Jan 31, 2013)

Well, him wanting to "catch up" is just nonsense. In a LTR or marriage--no chatting with exes, hell, no opposite sex friends. Simple. Not only no, but fruck no! Work friends stay at work. Engaging in such is just begging for problems. Don't tolerate such nonsense. You have girlfriends, he has men friends. You both have couples friends.

I have a girlfriend, LTR. She's Mexican. She doesn't tolerate me talking to exes, or having OSF. I don't tolerate such with her, either. It's not even a subject for debate. Her family is the same. None of the men or women accept opposite sex friends, or exes either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> I agree with your husband. Many here won't.


MBH. Arent you in an open marriage? Context bud! Maybe i am rembering wrong.

Anyway. Just ask poster hardtodetach where facebooking and "meeting at a coffee shop" can lead... Not all the time but i do not play russian roulette either.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

weightlifter said:


> Anyway. Just ask poster hardtodetach where facebooking and "meeting at a coffee shop" can lead... Not all the time but i do not play russian roulette either.


My wife's first lover contacted her with a friend request. We'd been married 28+ years at the time, and she had not seen her ex for at least 25 years. As far as I can recall, he had been at two or possibly 3 events since I met my wife. This would seemingly be as safe a contact as one might expect.

His message to her was a simple "Hey babe, you still look great!".

That is all it took to get her back on the hook. She _*fought *_me when I requested she un-friend him. I didn't ask to block him because I didn't know of that function. Anyhow, she made every excuse in the book to not un-friend him. Circular logic, nonsensical excuses, some anger, some blame shifting, and more anger.

An ex can set back the clock and make it feel like years ago. The fantasy is huge. This is very dangerous.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Thor said:


> My wife's first lover contacted her with a friend request. We'd been married 28+ years at the time, and she had not seen her ex for at least 25 years. As far as I can recall, he had been at two or possibly 3 events since I met my wife. This would seemingly be as safe a contact as one might expect.
> 
> His message to her was a simple "Hey babe, you still look great!".
> 
> ...


Same situation. I would deal with that so much differently now. If you have to actively STOP that kind of behavior, I think there's not much hope long term.


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## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

COguy said:


> Same situation. I would deal with that so much differently now. If you have to actively STOP that kind of behavior, I think there's not much hope long term.


COguy... How would you deal with that type of behavior now? What would you do differently?


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## Faeleaf (Jul 22, 2014)

COguy said:


> Same situation. I would deal with that so much differently now. If you have to actively STOP that kind of behavior, I think there's not much hope long term.


I agree with this 100%! If you're married to a cheater, the length of his leash is not the problem - _the problem is that he's a cheater._ He will figure out a way to cheat, if that's what he wants to do. 

If your spouse cheats on you, I think you pretty much have three options - 1) Stay, but accept that the marriage will not be exclusive and resign yourself to it, 2) Work super hard to make each other so happy that he/she would never consider cheating again (and btw this only works if his affair was a one-time slip because you were neglecting him/her and making him/her miserable...for years), 3) Leave. 

There is no option 4) "Stay, but control the spouse so completely they have no opportunity to cheat." Don't even try it - you'll waste years of your life and sanity that might have been salvaged with the above three options. 

Blaming "ex-girlfriends that write messages on facebook" is like getting rid of your car because your alcoholic spouse used it to drive to the liquor store. In other words, the car isn't the problem here. And getting rid of the car won't change whether or not your husband has the willpower to stop drinking.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

ConstantSpeed said:


> COguy... How would you deal with that type of behavior now? What would you do differently?


Basically I'd realize they were a bad partner for me and leave. See my post from before. If someone has bad enough boundaries to entertain these kind of fishing expeditions, they aren't the one for me. You'll end up spending your entire relationship trying to ****block every guy that walks around your wife. Good luck with that.

I'm having a hard time understanding why I was in this mindset while married that my wife was SO SPECIAL that I had to stay married no matter what kind of heinous crap she would do. No woman is worth that.

I've gone through various stages in the last few years.

Stage 1: Doormat. Basically if something made me uncomfortable I would just bottle it in.

Stage 2: Clearly stated boundaries, but wouldn't follow through with the consequences.

Stage 3: Tried to actively control partner so that they COULDN'T violate my boundaries. 24/7 PI and ****blocker. Would get frustrated when partner did something that could lead to infidelity.

Stage 4: More stating of boundaries and less control, letting partner determine level of commitment to relationship. Being willing to leave if boundaries are willfully disrespected.

My end goal would be somewhere at Stage 5, which I think would be some level of recognizing earlier in a relationship that someone had poor boundaries and never getting involved with them. But I'm a work in process. Truthfully I struggle with Stage 3 at times, but life's a journey of ups and downs.

I know I've come a long ways because I read these stories and just sit in shock at the kind of behavior people put up with all in the name of keeping their relationship together. Even at the detriment of their emotional health. Throw back the cake eaters and boundary pushers, there's plenty of fish in the pond. Or as MMSP says, "She doesn't bathe in holy water."


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