# How much sex is enough?



## Meisie (May 4, 2014)

Just a question? I am not really sure if this is normal or not and maybe I am not normal, I don't know.....but.....

My husband wants sex from me everyday!!! Like everyday....we might go one day in the week without it when he is really tired which is almost never.....

Am I wrong to say that 3 times a week or 4 times a week is enough for me? 

to be honest, it began to be like a chore being ticked off at night before I went to bed, so its not really nice anymore....

He argues:scratchhead: that partners can have sex as much as they want, when they want, but my argument is that he gets home, takes a nap (its like a ritual) and I still have to do everything, look after two small kids, bathe them, feed them, put them to bed, make dinner, dish up, do dishes....and, and, and. But as soon as the kids are put to bed, I sometimes just do it downstairs on the couch, hoping that when I do go to bed, I can just do my bath routine and sleep....

Am I mean to think like this??????


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## NewHubs (Dec 23, 2012)

Not at all. Your husband is being unreasonable.

2-3 times a week is enough but I'm sure you will get varying answers on here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*If your H want's to greatly increase the household sexual statistics with you, then he should be willing to give you some assistance with the housework and kids, as soon as he hits the driveway! 

That's really a "no-brainer!"*


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Why are you ok with your husband not patenting and caring for his children too? 

I love lots of sex, in fact I could gave it every night. However if I had to do all of the child wrangling, dinner, dishes, bath time and bed time routine etc on my own I'd probably be exhausted too. 

He needs to pitch in.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If he has enough energy for sex every day, he has enough to help out enough to give you a break for an hour most days, which may make sex more appealing to you. He's not wrong to want it daily, nor are you wrong to want less, but under the circumstances you have a good reason to want less. I'd say you're doing well at 3 or 4 times a week with small kids to care for every evening. And there is also a question of the quality - for you, anyway. Is he making enough effort in that area, or is it similar to not helping with chores and kids?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

How about switching.While you take the after work nappy he can play kid wrangler. Then when you wake,you can take a leisurely bath and get your mind in the right frame for sex.
THEN he can have it every day.

OR he can grow up and realize marriage when kids are involved is about balance that can be easily obtained by both parents doing their part. I think if he can do that and compromise with sex every other day your frame of mind will improve and you will both be happier.


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## Meisie (May 4, 2014)

Thats not going to happen....i can remember maybe changing a nappy twice and putting up a moan and groan over it....

I also believe that 7 days a week every day is way to much....and also, he cant come home and just hug me and say hello how are you? 

He is always grabbing me somewhere....it kinda ticks me off sometimes.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Why is that not going to happen? 

What do you see as a viable solution? 

Does he realise that his needs are being met and your are not? 

Something's got to give.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Meisie said:


> Thats not going to happen....i can remember maybe changing a nappy twice and putting up a moan and groan over it....
> 
> I also believe that 7 days a week every day is way to much....and also, he cant come home and just hug me and say hello how are you?
> 
> He is always grabbing me somewhere....it kinda ticks me off sometimes.


The only reason it won't happen is because you're letting him treat you and your children this way. 

You're not a victim here...you're teaching him these things are ok.


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## Meisie (May 4, 2014)

Well he usually just jumps on me....when we go to bed....he wants me to be the one with the ideas....but im so tired at night that the last thing i am thinking about is ideas...

And also.....i retracted from doing anything because i use to do special things , sexy things, seductive things but he says its not good enough....
So i do not approach him with any ideas anymore....

And even if i just sit next to him, he is always grabbing me....

I would just like to be held sometimes, you know, and be hugged, 

im so scared to hug and kiss him these days, because as soon as i do, it gets up almost immediatly and although a woman is suppose to feel flattered just by the idea of it, and flattered to know that you have that effect on someone, it does feel that im a thing???????????


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

So based on the things you're expressing about him he's a lazy,good for nothing sex fiend who never appreciates anything.

Is that who he really is or are you just venting right now?


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## Meisie (May 4, 2014)

Because he doesnt even take the dustbin out weekly to be thrown out....he doesnt wash a car, he only spends time and effort and work on something that is important to him and means something to him. 

He doesnt even make me coffee...in all the years that we have been together, close on 14, he has made me coffee three to four times and only because i really asked so nicely..

I put out his drink every morning...he has juice every morning..and even if i dont, he will phone me from upstairs and ask me to bring it....

I dont work, im a house mom, dealing with house, kids, dogs, vets, shops, payments, cleaning and so on and he believes that he works hard enough to relax when he gets home. 

He always says that i need to ask if i want something done, but if frustrates me because why do i need to ask all the time...i know the kids need to bath....so its something i know needs to be done....i dont decide whether i want to do it or not???????

He knows i love coffee...why is he is in the kitchen pouring his drink, he cant make me coffee....but when i make myself coffee, i always pour him a drink?


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## Meisie (May 4, 2014)

Yes he is lazy....

But the point being i wanted to know if i am unreasonable to not want sex everyday.....seven days a week....

And if he is unreasonable for getting angry when i skip a day or two? Because at times he does get angry...wouldnt say angry but its like a child that doesnt get his way, if i can say it like that


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Stop doing that stuff. 

He's doing it because you allow it. 

You could stop doing all those things. You have allowed him to manipulate you into doing everything. 

Also you need to make how you feel clear. Insist on counselling. 

Or you could do nothing, and things can stay the same. You can keep feeling unhappy.


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## Meisie (May 4, 2014)

I have insisted on counseling....he refuses...
I have just said no im not in the mood and then he gets frustrated, most times i dont feel like dealing with it....

And i have expressed my feelings with this and he just says that its normal for a person to do this and want this....

His sexual behaviour is not normal for me...
He moan and groan because im not in short skirts and boob tubes everyday, he moans because i wear a bra???? He asks me why i wear panties? Really????

He even asks me why i sleep with pajamas at night....
He even finds it "old" to sleep with winter pajamas in winter time...says im not an old lady?????? 

He wants to touch me and do me when he feels like it in the hours of the morning...luckily he drinks sleeping pills now that knocks him out till sunrise...thank heavens....

It just really makes me hate sex to be honest.....


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

how long has he been this way? 


The way you talk about him is making me wonder why you're even married to him.


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## Meisie (May 4, 2014)

I dont like sex anymore!!!!! 

Dont know how to put it otherwise


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## Meisie (May 4, 2014)

He was not like this when we met....not even before we got married...we dated five years before we got married...
So i never knew....

Maybe for the past 5-6 years


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## Meisie (May 4, 2014)

Trust me if i knew he had these urges i would not have married him. 
I have nothing against sex but hell no....this is to much....

He always wanted to have sex even when i was on my cycle...i eventually had the courage to say to him that i dont like it....so atleast i have those three days off


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

At some point I hope you will stop venting and start paying attention to what all these posters are saying...

You are in a tough situation, to be sure, but you need to accept some responsibility here.

True, he needs to grow up also but you are letting him get away with this behavior.

You have to DEMAND some things.

If you think MC will help then he has to go with you. You have to REALLY INSIST! You have to yell, scream, whatever it takes to get through to him. You have to get someone to help you talk to him. You HAVE to do something...because not doing something is going to be as bad for your relationship as what is happening to it now.

If this is for real I feel sorry for you because you are being used by a very selfish person. Something needs to be done to wake him up, if he is even capable of being woken up..

I wish you luck.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Well, your H certainly sounds like a piece of work, BUT he's also not a mind reader. He has told you if you need something done to tell him. I'd suggest you start telling him HOW you want his help. Give him specific tasks. Don't just say "I could use some help around here."


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Like many to most sexual issues - it's not really about the sex. You not having your needs met is spilling over into the sexual realm. 

Like someone else said - he's not wrong for wanting it every day and you are not wrong for not wanting it that much. 

At some point the tables turn. Sex, something you do with and for each other, suddenly becomes one more thing you are expected to give and do for him. 

Then the resentment builds. Then the sex life starts to die, as is happening in your case. 

I wouldn't want to have sex with him either, as you describe him. I'm pretty sure I would passive aggressively be making him suffer because I was suffering never having a break and being expected to do everything. 

I'm a stay home mom myself. My kids are older now and I do everything around the house and still have time for myself. But when my kids were younger it was just too much for any one person. My sex life suffered during that time as well because I was so overwhelmed and so tired of being touched by the end of the day. I had about 20 min to myself per day, the 20 min it would take me to fall asleep. I wanted to be left alone.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Yes, in my opinion, you need to give your husband sex every day--if that is what he wants. There can be a whole lot of different reasons he wants sex that often, but they are mostly all valid reasons....so why withold it?

You can list all the reasons you want for not wanting sex, like he is lazy, does not take out the garbage, etc. But what you are really saying is that the two of you are not communicating. Things slipped, he does not help you around the house, and you have not made it clear to him that this turns you off romantically. 

I suspect he senses your reluctance to have sex, and thinks that asking you to dress up sexy--skirts/dresses, no panties, no bra....may make your hornier, and definitely will make him want you more. This sounds like a good way to get him to open up his wallet...take him to the local lingerie shop and have him pick out some nice outfits. You can nix the ones you do not like. 

If after re-establishing some romance and communications in your life, if you are still not interested in sex with him...go see a doctor to figure out how to increase your libido. Maybe you are taking a drug that kills our desire? Maybe you need sex right after supper, not late at night? Maybe you need romantic day trips o get you in th mood? Maybe you need hormone boosts. 

I would not ignore his requests. That is skating on thin ice. INstead figure out how to redirect that sexual energy in a way you both enjoy


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Meisie said:


> I dont like sex anymore!!!!!
> 
> Dont know how to put it otherwise


Tell him you don't like sex anymore.

He needs to romance you, cuddle, foreplay with you.

Sex is an obligation in marriage, but Sex is a two way street. Have to try to meet both your needs.

He is not being a loving husband.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Even though all things in a marriage are ultimately interconnected I think any attempt to connect household chores with sex is just as likely to be harmful as helpful. 

First of all, you need to be clear that you feel exhausted and need more help with the house and kids. On this issue I think the best approach is to ask your husband to take on specific tasks rather then a general request for "more help". 

Sexual frequency like every other aspect of sex and marriage is up for discussion and compromise between the spouses. The result may be more sex than you would like and less sex than he would like.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Another valid approach is to employ various types of sex. If you are tired, and he is raring to go, give him a nice massage. I am sure he will not mind. 

PIV sex, every day, is a lot. But some type of sex every day? That is fully understandable.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

murphy5 said:


> Yes, in my opinion, you need to give your husband sex every day--if that is what he wants. There can be a whole lot of different reasons he wants sex that often, but they are mostly all valid reasons....so why withold it?
> 
> You can list all the reasons you want for not wanting sex, like he is lazy, does not take out the garbage, etc. But what you are really saying is that the two of you are not communicating. Things slipped, he does not help you around the house, and you have not made it clear to him that this turns you off romantically.
> 
> ...


LOL! I'm a guy and yeah, I'd LOVE to have sex daily - even more than once in a day if I could get it. But I'm also a realist and understand that a woman may not have the same drive as I do. Granted, we don't see his side of this marriage, but from what she writes I can tell she is getting ROYALLY SCREWED in this marriage on a daily basis already - even if only half of it is realistic.

OP, there is no magic answer for how much sex is enough. For you, it's 3 days a week. For your H, it's daily. The right answer is to find a good compromise that works for the both of you.

Also, your marriage has a lot deeper issues than just sexual. From what you write, you must feel like your H is one of your kids. That's a terrible dynamic to have long term. It builds resentment, and eventually you'll blow your stack and will either 1) divorce him or 2) cheat on him. You need to communicate your feelings on everything in clear language to him. You also need to be prepared to make your husband suffer the consequences if he does not pull his weight in this marriage.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What I get out of your posts is the resentment you have festering. Not just the sex, but for his involvement for the family as a whole. Until you force his hand to deal with that (to listen to your concerns and work at addressing them), your resentments will continue to build, and your relationship will worsen. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Yes, you keep coming back to sex but your issues are way beyond your H wanting sex daily.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

arbitrator said:


> *If your H want's to greatly increase the household sexual statistics with you, then he should be willing to give you some assistance with the housework and kids, as soon as he hits the driveway!
> 
> That's really a "no-brainer!"*


I understand what you are saying...but helping out with chores is the biggest misconception out there at this time in terms of helping with a sexless marriage. 

Once you pick up the slack with chores magically another item becomes the "cause" of no sex.

Its not chores.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

agreed. there are plenty of cases where they guy is doing the laundry, making meals, taking care of the kids...the whole 9 yards. And then the wife goes and finds a lover because her man is acting like a sissy, and drops a few pegs in her eyes.

Its a trap. don't fall for it


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## SoVeryLost (May 14, 2012)

If you don't feel like having sex -- don't have sex. It's your body. You have the right to say no. Even to your husband.

If I withheld sex from my ex-husband he got the same way as you are describing your husband. He would pout most of the time, and let out several loud "sighs" from his side of the bed with his back turned to me. It definitely makes you feel like an object after a while.

I would try to nip this as soon as possible. My ex ended up moving from pouting to anger when I declined sex. You're headed down a slippery slope here. 

As other posters have mentioned, your lack of desire for sex is likely not due to the frequency, but because of the other stressors in your life that is causing you to feel resentment towards your husband.

Your husband feels he is being rejected when you decline sex with him, and is likely building resentment towards you for feeling this way. In order to remedy this he needs you to give in to his advances so he feels validated. 

You're both in a bad cycle. MC and I'd argue IC for the both of you is your best bet. Get to the root of the problem with one another with the help of an outside source, because what you're both doing now isn't working.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Make up two lists of all the jobs in your lives with little boxes to check. Include your husband's job. His chores around the house that he does voluntarily.

Make a list of pleasures/indulgences with little check boxes, including Internet surfing, TV. Put sex here for both of you.

Give to your husband to read.

I agree with an earlier poster. Your problem is not just sex. It is your husband's attitude. He doesn't pay attention to your feelings. Is your energy level down? He doesn't seem to notice.

I'll bet that if one night instead of jumping your bone he gave you a real massage, you'd sleep happy and be more into sex the next time round.

Do you plan to go back to work when your children go to school?

Will you be able to prepare for divorce?

I think you should tell your husband that you are headed towards divorce, but should book MC. Print out what you have written on TAM (erasing any trace of TAM of course) and have that ready for the counselor and your husband to read.

In that session tell him that you want to fix your marriage but it will take two to do it.

The path you are headed down will result in a loveless marriage. Eventually you will refuse him sex. Better to address your issue while you still have some positive feelings.

What sort of work does your husband do? Is he very proud of this bread winner role? He seems to feel entitled.

What work did you have before you had children?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Meisie said:


> Yes he is lazy....
> 
> But the point being i wanted to know if i am unreasonable to not want sex everyday.....seven days a week....
> 
> And if he is unreasonable for getting angry when i skip a day or two? Because at times he does get angry...wouldnt say angry but its like a child that doesnt get his way, if i can say it like that


Yes, he is unreasonable to want sex every day when you only want sex 3-4 times a week.

It's even more unreasonable when he does not help out once he's at home and you get no break and are tired all the time.

You are not unreasonable for wanting sex 3-4 times a week.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

murphy5 said:


> Yes, in my opinion, you need to give your husband sex every day--if that is what he wants. There can be a whole lot of different reasons he wants sex that often, but they are mostly all valid reasons....so why withold it?
> 
> You can list all the reasons you want for not wanting sex, like he is lazy, does not take out the garbage, etc. But what you are really saying is that the two of you are not communicating. Things slipped, he does not help you around the house, and you have not made it clear to him that this turns you off romantically.
> 
> ...


You have got to be kidding.... :scratchhead:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sinnister said:


> I understand what you are saying...but helping out with chores is the biggest misconception out there at this time in terms of helping with a sexless marriage.
> 
> Once you pick up the slack with chores magically another item becomes the "cause" of no sex.
> 
> Its not chores.


You are right. Chores are not the magic that lead to sex.

The OP is exhausted and her husband is not meeting her needs. This is the problem.

She needs help with the things that happen around the home after work and on weekends so that she can get some relaxation. She needs a husband who dates her, gives her non-sexual intimacy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Get the book "His Needs, Her Needs" read it then give it to your husband to read. It will help you talk to him about all the things that you are saying here.

When you talk to him make this about things other than sex because the way you feel about sex right now is mainly caused by other things.

You are tired and need help with the kids, dinner, etc when he is home. 

You need time to yourself to relax... to take a nice bath, to just do nothing, to take a nap.

If he does not want to give up his after work nap.. maybe you two can take turns. One day you get to take a break and he takes the kids, dinner, etc. Another day you take the kids and do dinner. Or you hire a babysitter to come watch your kids and order pizza (or do a crock pot meal so it cooks during the day). That way you and your husband get a break and can both take a nap after work.

How often do you and your husband do date-like things together?


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

Meisie said:


> Just a question? I am not really sure if this is normal or not and maybe I am not normal, I don't know.....but.....
> 
> My husband wants sex from me everyday!!! Like everyday....we might go one day in the week without it when he is really tired which is almost never.....
> 
> ...


There were very few nights my wife and I didn't have sex, even when we had 2 small kids. 

BUT, she was a SAHM and I got her a maid to come a couple of days a week.


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## Meisie (May 4, 2014)

First of all, this is not about the chores and so forth. I just answered because it was asked. 

This is about the sex 
Do you know how frustrating it can become when a person talks to you and its about sex, positions, fetishes and so on? 

When a person touches or hugs you and its always with intention.

Do you know what it feels like when you are sick, and I don't mean the "I have a headache sick" I mean sick and your partner still atleast wants a bj? 


I mean really, I don't have a problem with sex 
Yes, I am tired and as a result im not in the mood....when a person is tired, you want to sleep or just relax. 

We don't do date nights anymore. Havent for a long time. And yes I take care of kids (3 and 7) 
I take care of his dogs, picks up their ****, cleans after everyone, and and and....

I did work before I had kids...he wanted me to stop working...now he doesn't want me to go back to work because he is afraid that I will cheat on him? Really???? Ive been loyal to him for over 15 years.....never ever cheated on him....

I just believe that sex is a vital part of any marriage, but......so is friendship, caring and like the other poster said, a non sexual intimacy would be nice.....

And I am sorry that I feel like a thing or object but how am I suppose to feel?
I don't want to go to any lingerie shop thank you....to boost it even more and make it from once a day to two or three? 

and yes, him not doing or helping is my fault....like his mother says....he has been this way apparently since forever...
That doesn't make him a bad person....a very lazy one , yes...

He works for himself....gets up at 9 in the morning...he has managers, staff and so on opening up and doing most of the stuff...
then he comes home at 2-3 pm in the afternoons, and directly goes for his nap which I don't always understand what is so stressful? 

But yeah I cant judge...im not at his business to see....
at the end of the day I just wanted to know what is the reasonable amount of sex to have a week and am I wrong to say that he has either a way to high drive or some kind of problem?


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

."so is friendship, caring and like the other poster said, a non sexual intimacy would be nice....."

Some men, myself included, are a little dense. Could some of the women here maybe list, or point to a thread, about what these non sexual intimacies would be? Guys for the most part are pretty physical, but ARE cable of mixing in other things if their partner needs them. But seldom does the partner explain, in really simple terms, what they are.

I stumbled upon 2 things that work with my wife: bringing her coffee during the day when she is working from home, and bringing her a lunch if she is stuck on a conference call. She has commented that she really liked that.

Other stuff...harder to figure out. I DO cook most of the meals and food shop, but I suspect that is simply taken for granted--not romantic or sexual to her, although they do require a lot of hours in the week.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Meisie, if your husband doesn't know how you feel about sex and what he is doing with the too much sex (expecting bj's while you are sick, etc) then this is because you have not communicated it to him.

You may say "I've tried, I've told him" and "he refuses counseling" and all of that...but that all just means you still have not communicated any of your feelings to him. He has no idea you feel this way, obviously. That's why he just pouts and whines when you hold back...he doesn't get it.

He needs to be educated about your needs, and he needs to get that education from you. If you can't calmly bring him into an adult conversation and discuss the way you need things to be for yourself, then he's never going to get it. If you are saying he bullys you until you shut down talking, then I'm sorry but that's on you too because WHY are you married to a sexual bully? Pull up your big girl panties, stop being afraid of his actions, and tell him what you need in a calm adult manner.

Tell him 400 more times if he doesn't get it the first time.

And find out what boundaries are. Read about it, learn it, do it.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Nobody can tell you that "x times per week" is the right amount. Lots of couples have sex daily and are happy. Lots of couples have sex once a week and are happy. Your problem is that you're not happy. Not happy with the amount of support you're getting from him. Not happy with his pouty behavior when he doesn't get what he wants. Not happy with being asked to put out every day. 

My advice... Get the two of you into counseling before things get too bad to fix. And it's al lot bigger than a mis-matched sex drive. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

murphy5 said:


> ."so is friendship, caring and like the other poster said, a non sexual intimacy would be nice....."
> 
> Some men, myself included, are a little dense. Could some of the women here maybe list, or point to a thread, about what these non sexual intimacies would be? Guys for the most part are pretty physical, but ARE cable of mixing in other things if their partner needs them. But seldom does the partner explain, in really simple terms, what they are.


The reason that many women have trouble communicating what non-sexual intimacy is, is are not sure either. What they do know is that they it's missing. They know that they are not getting what is needed to maintain the bond and passion in their marriage.

This is why I suggested the book "His Needs, Her Needs". It helps people figure out what is missing and what is needed. 

In the case of the OP, it sounds like her husband does not spend any time with her except for when he's trying to get sex from her. They don't go on dates. They don't just cuddle and talk. 

Non-sexual touch is very important. The OP brings this up several times.
16 Non-Sexual Touches to Feel Connected and Loved - Lovepanky

A couple needs to spend about 15 hours a week together, just the two of them doing date-like things that they both enjoy to maintain the passion in a marriage. 



murphy5 said:


> I stumbled upon 2 things that work with my wife: bringing her coffee during the day when she is working from home, and bringing her a lunch if she is stuck on a conference call. She has commented that she really liked that.
> 
> Other stuff...harder to figure out. I DO cook most of the meals and food shop, but I suspect that is simply taken for granted--not romantic or sexual to her, although they do require a lot of hours in the week.


These are two things that show that you care and are a participant in the marriage and not just a taker. So while they are not necessarily romantic, they do count.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Meisie said:


> I just wanted to know what is the reasonable amount of sex to have a week and am I wrong to say that he has either a way to high drive or some kind of problem?


Like most have already said there is no universal correct amount of sex. Different people have different drives. One person may like it once a day and another once a month.

Some people have no interest in sex.

You seem to be feeling resentful not only because the amount of sex but also his general attitude of selfishness. 

He will just continue to try and get his way unless you stand up for yourself and communicate your problems to him. 

If you are not willing to put your foot down than you can most likely expect things to continue as they have. 


Is there some particular other answer you are wanting to hear?

I am afraid there are no magic solutions. 
Your hubby will most likely not be persuaded by what any of us think is the "correct" amount of sex.


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## MisterGadget (Feb 13, 2014)

Ok i can relate to a High Drive but 7 days a week of sex... i wish.

3 or even maybe 4 times a week should be sufficient enough especially with kids in your life.

Without knowing how many hrs your husband works its had to understand his Nap time.
If he works 12hrs a day i can understand a nap when he gets home.
But if is normal office hours....He needs to stop and help out when he gets home.

Do a spreadsheet of things each of you will do (Open office free software)

Get some appliances that will help cut down time (Dishwashers) Driers)Double toasters that kind of thing.
These will allow efficiency and multi-tasking.

We have two Hoovers 1 upstairs 1 downstairs so no waiting on each other.

Dedicate 1 or two nights that the kids will have a bath or shower. 1 parent washes the other dries the other child and dresses them for bed.
Other nights a simple soap n face cloth will suffice.

Once the kids are in bed go take that shower or bath leaving this too late and any couples time together is gone like TV or Dvd or even a tumble in bed :smthumbup:

You get the idea here.

I wont go into sex here as i see the problem as more exhaustion and no sharing of house work.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

It's funny because I kinda expected sex if not every day at least every other day...and when we got married I ended up with almost never. It's interesting to hear the women's perspective on this. It's like a job mentality almost... ahh crap I gotta do that to. That's really too bad.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

I Don't Know said:


> Yes, you keep coming back to sex but your issues are way beyond your H wanting sex daily.


:iagree:



On another note, your husband is DESIGNED to crave sex with you. He does not have a problem because he desires his wife. As the two of you get to the root of your issues, try to be thankful he is coming to you and not another woman for the sexual connection.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Meisie said:


> Yes he is lazy....
> 
> *But the point being i wanted to know if i am unreasonable to not want sex everyday.....seven days a week....*
> 
> And if he is unreasonable for getting angry when i skip a day or two? Because at times he does get angry...wouldnt say angry but its like a child that doesnt get his way, if i can say it like that


Stripping everything else out with regards to what he does, or doesn't do around the house and such...just simple amount of sex...that is a very individual thing, and there is no right or wrong, or too much or too little for the individual to want. It is what it is, and the important thing is to come to an acceptable amount for both partners to be satisfied. To find matching drive and desire.

My STBW and I have sex 10-15 times a week, and might have a day off once a month or so. In the entire time we have been together, we have gone two days in a row without sex only a couple of times. We have never gone three days in a row without. She and I are both completely comfortable with that amount, and there are some weeks where she would like even more than that.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Yes, he is unreasonable to want sex every day when you only want sex 3-4 times a week.
> 
> It's even more unreasonable when he does not help out once he's at home and you get no break and are tired all the time.
> 
> You are not unreasonable for wanting sex 3-4 times a week.


Who says sex everyday is unreasonable? Why not 2 or 3 times a day or maybe once a month?

The only issue is they have different drives not who is "unreasonable".


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lionelhutz said:


> Who says sex everyday is unreasonable? Why not 2 or 3 times a day or maybe once a month?
> 
> The only issue is they have different drives not who is "unreasonable".


You seem to have a reading comprehension problem. 

If you re-read what I wrote, I am saying that it's undreasonable for him to have a hard set expectation with no consideration of what she wants. Marriage is a two way street.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

The frequency or quality thereof always sinks to the lowest possible level. It's like entropy.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> My STBW and I have sex 10-15 times a week, and might have a day off once a month or so. In the entire time we have been together, we have gone two days in a row without sex only a couple of times. We have never gone three days in a row without.


Its a trap. Come back on here one year after your are married and tell us the frequncey _then_:rofl:


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> Stripping everything else out with regards to what he does, or doesn't do around the house and such...just simple amount of sex...that is a very individual thing, and there is no right or wrong, or too much or too little for the individual to want. It is what it is, and the important thing is to come to an acceptable amount for both partners to be satisfied. To find matching drive and desire.
> 
> My STBW and I have sex 10-15 times a week, and might have a day off once a month or so. In the entire time we have been together, we have gone two days in a row without sex only a couple of times. We have never gone three days in a row without. She and I are both completely comfortable with that amount, and there are some weeks where she would like even more than that.


It would be horrible if you were back on TAM as a sex starved soon after getting married. An apparent bait and switch was performed but not fully obvious until after the maritial agreements where signed.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

treyvion said:


> It would be horrible if you were back on TAM as a sex starved soon after getting married. An apparent bait and switch was performed but not fully obvious until after the maritial agreements where signed.


I don't think this will happen with Samy and his new lovely wife. He already went down that rode with his ex. He is blessed to have met his new wife. She sounds like a gem.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

over20 said:


> I don't think this will happen with Samy and his new lovely wife. He already went down that rode with his ex. He is blessed to have met his new wife. She sounds like a gem.


And I am pretty sure his first wife was a gem for the first few years of their relationship.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

SadSamIAm said:


> And I am pretty sure his first wife was a gem for the first few years of their relationship.


You could be right. It's sad though to think it could happen again. I tend to be an optimist....maybe that's a bad thing...IDK


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

SadSamIAm said:


> And I am pretty sure his first wife was a gem for the first few years of their relationship.


Nah she wasn't. I was young and dumb, and she is NPD. The reasons for our sexlessness are pretty complicated, and while the final four years of my marriage was sexless, I wouldn't have considered myself sex starved because that would imply I wanted sex with her, and tried and failed to get it. I suppose ending up sexless is a risk we all take isn't it? I am a bit wiser now, and generally don't make the same mistakes twice
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Please forgive my ignorance, but what is NPD?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Personal said:


> Please forgive my ignorance, but what is NPD?


Narcissistic Personality Disorder. You should read up on it if you want some light bedtime reading that will lead to the most horrible nightmares you've ever had 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

NPD is what OP's husband is likely dealing with.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

over20 said:


> I don't think this will happen with Samy and his new lovely wife. He already went down that rode with his ex. He is blessed to have met his new wife. She sounds like a gem.


The lady that sent me to TAM sexxed me 2 times a day for our first three years. I couldve had more if I chose to. Intimacy sex on demand and if I didnt initiate shed be undressing me. So after she.got me married I guess she figured she didnt have to do that anymore. Sexless and affectionateless for years, lying in the bed with her was a soul drain. Eventually she moved me to another bed whih was less crushing. When they.dont care anymore abuse comes easily. Heavy doses of verbal abuse and mental harrassment. The redflags early on wouldve been how we got together. Another wouldve been explosive arguments. But the sex was the pinnacle. Painful to let that go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dredd (Apr 16, 2014)

You both are in a bad place. I would recommend you reading His Needs, Her Needs. Its not right for you to deny him intimacy, but its also not right for him to deny your emotional needs. Both are equally important.

It looks like your husband has fallen down on the job, and you are reacting to his negligence. You need to have a sit down talk, or go to counseling. You need to kick him in the butt and get him to wake up and realize his behavior is not cutting it. Read HNHN together, and talk about each others needs.

But, in answer to your question, enough sex is however much the higher drive wants. Just like enough cuddling or emotional fulfillment is however much you want, for example. Your there to fulfill each others needs, not determine which of the others needs are important enough for you to fulfill.

But, him asking for things when your sick is very inconsiderate. Your not suppose to deny his needs, but at the same time, he needs to be sensitive to when its not a good time. But this doesn't give you a license to make excuses all the time, intimacy should be an act of love between a husband and wife.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

treyvion said:


> The lady that sent me to TAM sexxed me 2 times a day for our first three years. I couldve had more if I chose to. Intimacy sex on demand and if I didnt initiate shed be undressing me. So after she.got me married I guess she figured she didnt have to do that anymore. Sexless and affectionateless for years, lying in the bed with her was a soul drain. Eventually she moved me to another bed whih was less crushing. When they.dont care anymore abuse comes easily. Heavy doses of verbal abuse and mental harrassment. The redflags early on wouldve been how we got together. Another wouldve been explosive arguments. But the sex was the pinnacle. Painful to let that go.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm sorry to hear that treyvion, that's heartbreaking....


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

over20 said:


> I'm sorry to hear that treyvion, that's heartbreaking....


It's alright a long time in the past now. The new thing is to not over analyze people and take them for what they are.

I think it's important to get your needs met in a relationship and the other person wants to do it, not as a favour.

I would favour more "good" relationships now and nothing very shady or based on greed and selfishness.

There must be a good lady out there who just wants to bless the man who cherish her, right?


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

So he comes home from working all day and takes a nap. You work all day and never nap. You still work, as being an at home parent is work. I did it myself for a few years and it was stressful because I always felt responsible for making sure everything at home was perfect. Since she worked, I would rush around the house an hour before she was off and do a whole days work. However, if she came home and wanted to sleep, I wouldn't be mad at her. She worked all day. And although I worked, at least I had the comfort of my own home and even with young kids, we can all take nap times. The stress from my spouses expectations was the worst part about it, because being at home taking care of the kids was the fun part. 

Anyway, if my wife would have wanted sex everyday, no matter what happen during the day, I'd be happy. Okay, I am a man. I get it. However, the work, the parent at home, the him taking a nap isn't the issue. The issue is you no longer enjoy being intimate with him. This has everything to do with attitude. If you decide sex is work, it's work. If you decide it's too much of a hassle, it becomes a hassle. 

If you stop giving him sex/intimacy, it will be the exact opposite. 

"I work all day, I make the money to pay the bills, I just want to come home to a house that is fairly decent and be intimate with my wife. However, she is too tired and would rather me leave her alone."

Now your both unhappy, because not having sex with him will not change your intimacy issues or attitude towards intimacy. You still won't like it, you just won't like it 3 times a week instead of 7. If you would prefer you had him as a friend forever, a guy that helps you pay your bills, and a guy that gives you security, without having to be intimate, then you may not want a husband anymore. You may just want a friend. 

That's too bad for both of you. The blame doesn't just fall on you, but I am an extreme advocate for intimacy and sex in a relationship. I've done nothing but post about the importance of exercising intimacy each day, for a strong healthy marriage. The same as you would exercise your body each day, for a strong healthy body. Without intimacy, your marriage will just be a shell. Trust me on this one, your husband does not want to wake up each day and go sit in a building for 8 hours on the clock. TRUST ME, he would much rather do his sleep routine and just be at home. He wakes up each day and sacrifices his time for you and his family. He wakes up each day, knowing he only has one life to live, and rather than living it with extreme adventures and taking in as much as possible, he puts on his work clothes and works for the next 8 hours just to take care of you and pay the bills.

Take care of him and his needs. If you are tired after he wakes up from his nap, tell him you'd prefer to spend intimacy time prior to his nap and at night you'd rather just relax and go to bed. If your goal is to fall out of love completely, keep thinking of sex/intimacy as work. 

Attitude is everything and if you decide you hate sex, you will hate sex. If you decide to make it special time with your husband and you get to feel like a woman this one time a day (and not a mom, daycare person, bill payer, and maid). Do what you have to do mentally, but a negative attitude towards intimacy will always make sex awful. It's tough to argue him as lazy, when he is the one working and bringing home the money. Not saying that gives him a right to abuse you or use you, but for everyone to call him lazy, is just crazy to me.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

treyvion said:


> It's alright a long time in the past now. The new thing is to not over analyze people and take them for what they are.
> 
> I think it's important to get your needs met in a relationship and the other person wants to do it, not as a favour.
> 
> ...


There absolutely are. And when they wake up and realize the a$$holes they are with aren't going to change no matter how much they give, they'll be looking for a guy who does cherish them.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

I Don't Know said:


> There absolutely are. And when they wake up and realize the a$$holes they are with aren't going to change no matter how much they give, they'll be looking for a guy who does cherish them.


I just want to treat mine like gold, but expect the same in return. Sadly, I am adventurous and want an intelligent lady who is also very sexual with her man, and see's that as a part of her life she doesn't want to give up. Plus someone who is going to think about her without being forced to and make her life better.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Don't give up!


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

I Don't Know said:


> Don't give up!


Of course not. That's what I preach.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Coldie said:


> So he comes home from working all day and takes a nap.


Her husband does not work all day. He wake up at 9 am and comes home from work at 2-3pm…That’s about 4 hours work a day. He works half time.



Coldie said:


> That's too bad for both of you. The blame doesn't just fall on you, but I am an extreme advocate for intimacy and sex in a relationship. I've done nothing but post about the importance of exercising intimacy each day, for a strong healthy marriage. The same as you would exercise your body each day, for a strong healthy body. Without intimacy, your marriage will just be a shell. Trust me on this one, your husband does not want to wake up each day and go sit in a building for 8 hours on the clock. TRUST ME, he would much rather do his sleep routine and just be at home. He wakes up each day and sacrifices his time for you and his family. He wakes up each day, knowing he only has one life to live, and rather than living it with extreme adventures and taking in as much as possible, he puts on his work clothes and works for the next 8 hours just to take care of you and pay the bills.
> 
> Take care of him and his needs. If you are tired after he wakes up from his nap, tell him you'd prefer to spend intimacy time prior to his nap and at night you'd rather just relax and go to bed. If your goal is to fall out of love completely, keep thinking of sex/intimacy as work.
> 
> Attitude is everything and if you decide you hate sex, you will hate sex. If you decide to make it special time with your husband and you get to feel like a woman this one time a day (and not a mom, daycare person, bill payer, and maid). Do what you have to do mentally, but a negative attitude towards intimacy will always make sex awful. It's tough to argue him as lazy, when he is the one working and bringing home the money. Not saying that gives him a right to abuse you or use you, but for everyone to call him lazy, is just crazy to me.


You are a strong advocate of intimacy in marriage… you mean intimacy through sex. 

There are other kinds of intimacy. Women have a strong need for non-sexual intimacy. Often if a woman’s need for non-sexual intimacy is not met, this is what happens. She loses the passion for sex. 

What you are telling the OP to do is to ignore her own need for non-sexual intimacy and to make sure that her she meets her husband’s intimacy needs through sex. 

Your message is pretty one sided. Do you really think that only her husband’s needs have to be met?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Just have a proper talk and tell him you are always tired and are prepared to have sex 3 times a week - and no grabbing! - otherwise you'll end up hating sex and he won't get any at all... if he doesn't like it (3x/week is plenty enough for a busy couple, with 2 small kids and together for 15 years), he can sling his hook, seriously... this scenario is just not sustainable for you...


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## Ditch (Apr 16, 2014)

Meisie said:


> Because he doesnt even take the dustbin out weekly to be thrown out....he doesnt wash a car, he only spends time and effort and work on something that is important to him and means something to him.
> 
> He doesnt even make me coffee...in all the years that we have been together, close on 14, he has made me coffee three to four times and only because i really asked so nicely..
> 
> ...


He has you trained well.....sarcasm. If you say no, does he force it anyway?


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

It varies really, where some people may find 3 times a week reasonable and the norm, for some they may not think its enough.

For my husband and I, sometimes we will have it only twice a week sometimes 3, maybe 4. I know last week we had it about 4 nights in a row.

Then maybe one week we will have just the once, It has been known...

I never really knew that people counted, unless they hardly have any, then i could understand why.

I never turn my husband down if he he wants it, If i am tired i just pleasure him other ways... he never complains

I like you pretty much do everything around my home to, as my hubby works full time, and sometimes what with 5 children i feel like a train wreck.

Saying all this tho, here is where i think the problem is, your husband has NO respect for you at all...... And it sounds like there is not appreciation for the fact that you're doing EVERYTHING around the home, Looking after the children, the dog, and everything else, and he also wants sex with you at a drop of a hat, now if my husband was like this, then i think i would start to feel down, resent him, and not want to have sex with him.

The thing is your ALLOWING him to treat you in this way.... I mean CALLING YOU BY PHONE WHEN HES UPSTAIRS FOR A DRINK TO BE BROUGHT UP TO HIM...... he is real LAZY... but like you say, even his own mother has said it about him, so its been going on for so long, hes been allowed to get away with it, so he will continue to unless you say ENOUGH.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

melw74 said:


> I like you pretty much do everything around my home to, as my hubby works full time, and sometimes what with 5 children i feel like a train wreck.


Can you have a word with my wife? I'm the one bringing drinks to her and cook for her and we have 4 children (I cook for them too)... I work from home, so I'm always there... somehow, she is never in the mood... maybe I should stop the drinks?


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> Can you have a word with my wife? I'm the one bringing drinks to her and cook for her and we have 4 children (I cook for them too)... I work from home, so I'm always there... somehow, she is never in the mood... maybe I should stop the drinks?


Hahaaa, Maybe you never know.... Give it a go LOL.... She may get sooooo thirsty she may have to give in.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

melw74 said:


> She may get sooooo thirsty she may have to give in.


I have the impression that she'd rather die of thirst than give in...


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Her husband does not work all day. He wake up at 9 am and comes home from work at 2-3pm…That’s about 4 hours work a day. He works half time.
> 
> 
> You are a strong advocate of intimacy in marriage… you mean intimacy through sex.
> ...


No, I mean intimacy. 

I'm equally a strong advocate for whatever intimacy both spouses need, as long as it doesn't take the place of the intimacy the other needs. The more intimacy the better.

I am not okay with ignoring your spouses need, because you DON'T NEED something. Whether it be sexual or non sexual intimacy (everyone is different, so if you do not mind, please give me some examples of a few of your non sexual intimate needs). There are 24 hour in a day, and 20 minutes leaves you with 23 hours and 40 minutes to NOT NEED intimacy. Ignoring your spouses needs is neglect. If her response is to neglect him back because she feels neglected, then she really doesn't need him as a husband. If she can't work through her issues or communicate with him her needs, then she may need to get out of that relationship. If he doesn't respond and give her the non sexual intimacy she needs, she may need to move on. Taking sex away will do everything but fix the problem. That was my advice. I'm not, nor did I ever tell the OP to ignore her needs.

She needs to communicate what she needs from him, but that doesn't mean ignore his needs. Relationships don't work that way. Sex/intimacy isn't bad, it isn't an award or punishment, it is part of marriage. The same part of marriage that when I wake up I know I can't go find someone else. It's 100% part of everyday marriage.

That isn't one-sided.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

Men like to use the fact that they go to work to justify doing less at home. Single men work, they hold jobs, they pay rent or they own a home. Just because a man is single does not excuse him from working at a job or a career. Therefore, whether a man is married, single or has kids, he would have to work to support himself. And the additional people he is responsible for.

Why do men use the fact that they work as an excuse to forgo other responsibilities or to demand certain things from their wives. The wife is doing her service for free, and if she had insisted on working they would have to pay for child care. Child care is expensive. The wives who decide to stay home should be respected at least for that.

To the OP, tell him that if he does not step up, that your other alternative would be to seek work. He does not respect you as a SAHM. According to your earlier post he wanted this from you. Now you see the result.

This why the song says "bless the child that got her own". Some men don't appreciate when they have a good thing and how to care for it until it is gone.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Is your husband a mommas boy? Did he have servants waiting on him hand and foot growing up? Husband is beyond lazy.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

techmom said:


> Men like to use the fact that they go to work to justify doing less at home. Single men work, they hold jobs, they pay rent or they own a home. Just because a man is single does not excuse him from working at a job or a career. Therefore, whether a man is married, single or has kids, he would have to work to support himself. And the additional people he is responsible for.
> 
> :



A single version of me would not have children or a house the size of a Home Depot to maintain.... I could have a roommate or live with my parents. As single I could take jobs that I would not have taken as a married guy, higher risk and reward. 

My wife often uses the argument above, I do not think she's remotely near the crux of it.


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

How much is enough for my wife? Never, maybe once every 2 months. 

For me: 2-3 times a week. 

Compromise: she gives in every 7-10 days after we get in a big fight over it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

techmom said:


> Men like to use the fact that they go to work to justify doing less at home. Single men work, they hold jobs, they pay rent or they own a home. Just because a man is single does not excuse him from working at a job or a career. Therefore, whether a man is married, single or has kids, he would have to work to support himself. And the additional people he is responsible for.
> 
> Why do men use the fact that they work as an excuse to forgo other responsibilities or to demand certain things from their wives. The wife is doing her service for free, and if she had insisted on working they would have to pay for child care. Child care is expensive. The wives who decide to stay home should be respected at least for that.
> 
> ...


And in the SAHM-Sole Provider Dad dynamic...the entire...*ENTIRE* dynamic and way of life is completely dependent on his ability to maintain and keep a decent stable job. That is a responsibility that only exists in that situation...single guys don't have it, guys with a working wife don't have it...


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Your husband is a lazy bum. My wife and I have sex once a week. She would like more, I would like less. So we are somewhere in the middle.


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