# Need Guidance and Support



## Karma04 (Feb 3, 2021)

Hello just joined the forum. 

I'm moving towards divorce at this point in my marriage. I'm 58, married 22 years, together 25. We have no children, just one pet. 

Husband has admitted to sleeping with other women. Has blamed me because I work from home and do need to lose about 90 lbs. He seems to resent me working from home (which I've been doing for nearly ten years) and says I'm a hermit. Regarding the weight, I know this is an area I struggle with. However, I work out with a trainer 3 times a week and walk 3 miles a week. I should do more. When I attempt to cook healthy foods, he balks and complains. When I suggest him getting his own food, he balks and complains. So I'm supposed to lose weight but not eat healthily <side eye>. Honestly, I think he's just over it all. He is seriously depressed and is quick to anger and flies off about the smallest things. About 18 months ago, he was inebriated and called "fat and ugly." That has stuck with me.

He refuses to consider any therapy. I've been in therapy for the last ten years. I know that the end of any marriage is rarely 100% on either party. I recognize that I should have been more aware of my weight and how it may impact him. But I also believe he is a bit of a narcissist and emotionally shallow. 

I believe I'm on the right path but I'm a bit nervous and scared about telling him. Any guidance?

Also, he may say he's willing to move out of our house. I'm fine with that but how does that work? Currently I pay the mortgage and he pays most of the utilities. The expense of covering both would be difficult but how can I if they are not in my name? How does access to the house work at that point? Should I change the lock and security master code? Do I schedule visitation with our pet, which I assume he will take as he was the primary driver of us getting him?

Finally, when meeting with an attorney, what should I look for? What types of questions should I ask? 

Thanks in advance for your input.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You need to forget about your husband and worry about yourself. 
You are in denial about your weight, your physical health and your mental health. 
Ten years in therapy? What kind of quack are you seeing?
Ninety pounds to lose? You need to start looking after yourself before you are beset with medical problems such as diabetes and/or heart disease and frankly walking three miles a week isn’t going to cut it. 
You need to walk almost every day and build up to where you’re walking three or four miles at a time. 
You can’t blame anyone else for your own eating habits, if your husband doesn’t want to eat healthy then that’s his problem but nobody is forcing you to eat unhealthy food. Start taking control of one aspect of your life at least.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Your husband's affairs are NOT your fault. It doesn't matter if you are an "overweight hermit" or not, it is NOT a reason to cheat. He wants to transfer the blame onto you to make himself feel better and to avoid seeing how ****ty of a person he is. You are right, both spouses are responsible for maintaining the marriage but his choice to cheat is 100% on him.

Your husband may have wanted you to lose weight, and yes you do need to take responsibility for your own health, but he was far from a supportive spouse (based on what you said here). Even if he was supportive about your weight loss journey, then got frustrated and gave up when you wouldn't take care of yourself, he still didn't have to cheat. He could have ended the marriage.

Depending on your husband, your assets, etc. using a mediator may be a good option. However, you should still talk to a lawyer (or two, second opinions are good) to figure out where you stand legally.

You need to decide what will happen to the house. Do you plan on selling the house, or buying him out?

If he moves out of the house until it is sold, the expenses may be shared or the difference may come out when the house is sold (not split exactly 50/50). If/when he moves out of the house, you will have to call the various companies and have things switched over to your name. He most likely will not have access to the house, but that and changing the locks needs to be discussed with a lawyer.

What about alimony? One of you may be required to pay it, and it cannot always be opted out of.

For your pet, honestly, just decide who gets to keep it. It's not a child and you have no reason to stay connected. Choose who gets the pet and go your separate ways.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

I agree with @Andy1001. Take care of yourself, both mentally and physically. That means getting him and his complaints out of your head, which will take discipline and time.

If it were me, I wouldn't engage anymore when your husband has complaints. Simply refuse to talk or listen. If he starts in, walk away.

Create a daily schedule that's about you. Your work. Your exercise. Your eating. And taking care of your pet. 🙂

Cook what's healthy for you, and don't discuss it or argue about it anymore. He can eat it, go hungry, or fix his own food. He has options.

Sleep in a different room. Don't spend time around him when he drinks.

I'm not sure what you're nervous and scared about sharing with him, but you don't have to tell him anything. Just do it. You don't need his input or agreement or permission.

And all the questions you have can be googled or asked when you meet with your lawyer.


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## Karma04 (Feb 3, 2021)

Andy1001 said:


> You need to forget about your husband and worry about yourself.
> You are in denial about your weight, your physical health and your mental health.
> Ten years in therapy? What kind of quack are you seeing?
> Ninety pounds to lose? You need to start looking after yourself before you are beset with medical problems such as diabetes and/or heart disease and frankly walking three miles a week isn’t going to cut it.
> ...


The long term therapy has been helpful for me. I might still be thinking of staying in the marriage without it. I don't see my therapist regularly maybe once every couple of months. She is the only person I have to speak honestly with about my life and feelings. I don't have any friends; since I moved to my current city for a job that ended 10 years ago. 

You are right. I'm a good cook and love fruits and vegetables and could easily eat vegan or vegetarian on my own but my husband gets irritated whenever I cook and has to open multiple windows. How can sautéing onions and garlic be a horrible smell... 

I guess based on the responses, I'm in denial about how broken I am. I also work out with a trainer and do weight training 3 times a week for an hour. 

My therapist has said for awhile I need to do better at ignoring him; it's a struggle. 

Husband and I have roughly equal salaries. We are both in the same industry and each make six figure salaries with bonuses. 

Regarding the house, I imagine we would sell it. My concern is that houses in our neighborhood take six months or more to sell. I don't want to be in the house that long. I would recommend the proceeds go in escrow until we work out how to divide. 

I don't want any of his money or possessions; and I don't want him to have any of mine. So I hope we can work things out that way. 



I


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Karma04 said:


> The long term therapy has been helpful for me. I might still be thinking of staying in the marriage without it. I don't see my therapist regularly maybe once every couple of months. She is the only person I have to speak honestly with about my life and feelings. I don't have any friends; since I moved to my current city for a job that ended 10 years ago.
> 
> You are right. I'm a good cook and love fruits and vegetables and could easily eat vegan or vegetarian on my own but my husband gets irritated whenever I cook and has to open multiple windows. How can sautéing onions and garlic be a horrible smell...
> 
> ...


I think you sound very very depressed. You sound like you have settled into a life with a man who doesn't really care about you and you are using food to medicate yourself because eating is one avenue of happiness for you that your situation allows.

I think your life will be better without him.

You should really look after your weight, your life is in danger being 90 pounds heavy.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Karma04 said:


> Hello just joined the forum.
> 
> I'm moving towards divorce at this point in my marriage. I'm 58, married 22 years, together 25. We have no children, just one pet.
> 
> ...


you want a family law attorney and you want to talk to him before you make any agreements with your husband or make any moves. first thing you need to do is get with that attorney let him know your assets and let him get started in making sure that those are controlled during the process. 

You may have to sell the house because that may be your biggest asset but I don't know. You both have to have a place to live and pay your own utilities too. At least with no kids you would be free to move wherever you needed to.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Karma04 said:


> Husband and I have roughly equal salaries. We are both in the same industry and each make six figure salaries with bonuses.


Then, you have no problem. You have no kids. Sell the house, divide all assets 50-50, and all debts 50-50. Somebody gets the pet.

Your husband cheats because of his own sin and selfishness. It doesn't have anything to do with you.



Karma04 said:


> But I also believe he is a bit of a narcissist and emotionally shallow.


And, you are correct... Cheater's Handbook, Chapter 1. ALL of them. ALL.


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## Karma04 (Feb 3, 2021)

Thank you everyone.. This feedback has been helpful. I don't think he would ever initiate any divorce. Think about it, he has it "good." I'm paying the mortgage, taking care of the house, taking primary care of our pet, doing the laundry, buying groceries, cooking breakfast (he apparently is ok with my breakfast quiche), etc. Plus he's getting the sex he wants from who he wants on the side. So this is on me and I have to marshal the strength to have the conversation. I am seeking out legal assistance for additional guidance as well.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Before I was cheated on, I felt most cheaters just wanted out. Some do but many, like your husband, want it all. My ex-husband fought the divorce until I made it clear that I wouldn’t be manipulated into staying again. At that point he found a new gf (not his AP) and married her the moment the divorce was final. He obviously needed someone to take care of him. Your husband is likely the same. I was in my mid-60’s when I got out and it was definitely the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. You’ll think so too once you’re free.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

You can't lock him out of the house even if he leaves voluntarily until and unless you get a court order to that effect. 

Why do you naturally go to a place where you don't want his money and you don't want him to have any of yours? Especially if he earns more. You're legally entitled to it just like if you are the higher earner he will be entitled to support from you. Forget about "pride" it's all about marriage and subsequently divorce being a business contract. Leave emotions out of it. 

Don't know how long you've been working with a trainer 3 hours per week but if it's been for any length of time and you aren't losing the weight you need to work out more and consume less calories. Something just doesn't add up there. 

Don't suggest your husband get his own food, eat healthy, cook what you think is best for you and if he doesn't want to eat it he can go prepare his own meals. 

Forget about pet visitation. Figure out who gets it maybe work it into the negotiations, don't automatically assume it's his, if he wants the pet you get something in return. That's how negotiation works. Nobody gets something for nothing. 

Get a new therapist. As in, yesterday. The one you have is worthless.


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