# My girlfriend brought her mom in my house



## supertoztoz (Oct 6, 2014)

Hi there,

I would like to talk about my story and have some advices from you guys.
I am 33 years old and i have been with my girlfriend since now 8 years. We had our up and down like every couples i guess but something unusual happened last year.
I had to go for a few months overseas and while i was away my girlfriend's mom was staying in our place. She is extremely attached to her daughter since she raised her alone and i didn't thought it was a bad thing at first. She will call her morning noon afternoon evening and night every single days for hours.

After 7 year with my girlfriend which is last year i had to go 2 months overseas also for work. My girlfriend asked me if i was ok with having her mom living with us permanently since she lost her house and had no place to stay at all. I agreed but on certain conditions like takin a larger place since we was in a 1 bedroom condo.
We made a plan of takin a rental for her for a few months on her own first and then eventually all moving together.
As soon as i arrived overseas my girlfriend started telling me that we had to take a larger place right away because she didn't wanted to have her mom somewhere on her own.
We got into a fight because of it and went 6 weeks without talking. I then decided to check to see whats going on and what she did since i was certain that she took another rental on my back. I then discovered that she went on a date with a guy and reconnected with a few of her exs by flirting online. She broke the rental agreement that was signed by both of us by contacting the landlord and telling him that we broke up and that i decided to stay overseas.

I felt betrayed and i was furious when i found all that out. Since i cared about my girlfriend and felt bad for maybe not being helpful i decided to re connect with her. After some holidays overseas to reconnect i came back to stay 2 months in my condo with her and her mom. Her mom instantly made me feel like i was a stranger in my own place and couple bad arguments happened with her. My girlfriend got upset but i decided to apologize and then avoid any contact with her mom to avoid upsetting my girlfriend.

She then promised me after the 2 months there that she will tell her mom to leave and take her own place but after few weeks she told me that we should break up and that she decided to stay with her mom. After a couple weeks trying to discuss she apologized and just told me that i should just accept the fact to live with her mom. I have been overseas in my hometown working and not seeing my girlfriend since almost a year and i had to deal with that situation all along. She came to visit last june for a few days and told me that things was fine and that we will be takin a larger place soon for all of us.
Few days ago i discovered that the landlords told her that she needs to leave the condo since he was coming back in a couple months to live back there. I then discovered that she was looking at places and eventually a mortgage without telling me a word about it and told me that she thought the relationships won't work probably because she was scared that i dont like her mom etc....

I dont know what to feel or how to handle that at all. I was searching online to find similar stories but i never found a story online where a women brings by force her mother into a relationship like that.

Something important to mention is that i am an entrepreneur so i didn't had regular incomes for a while and my girlfriend was working and dealing with the majority of the bills. She agreed on that saying that i should focus on building my business and that she was there to cover and help. I have a feeling that i made a big mistake by trusting her because she used that against me after saying that she was paying everything so i had no say in anything. She became all the sudden individual because it was perfect for her and her mom agenda.

I will appreciate some advices.

Thank you for takin the time to read all that.

Simon.


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

In my opinion you have wasted the last 8 years of your young life with someone who is WAY TOO ATTACHED to her mother.
There seems to be a lot of problems here so I will highlight the biggest as I see them:
1. She is a liar 
2. She does NOT put you first in any way
3. She is very selfish
4. She is a two-timer
5. 'Mumsy' will always be #2 in her life, with herself as #1

All I can say is thank your lucky stars you have not married her. PLEASE don't waste another 8 years putting up with this when there are many women out there who would bend over backwards for you, you might want to spend some time single first though.
Yes 8 years is a long time but you are 33, you have plenty of time to find someone else preferably one who ISN'T permanently glued to their mother's hip!
Stop being your own worst enemy


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

supertoztoz said:


> I then discovered that she was looking at places and eventually a mortgage without telling me a word about it and told me that she thought the relationships won't work probably because she was scared that i dont like her mom etc...


If after 8 years your girlfriend is making unilateral decisions with serious long-term ramifications you should see her actions for what they are.

She's absolutely right that your relationship won't work out because of her relationship with her mother. You can't change that. Change the girlfriend (who was cheating on you).


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I will never understand adults who are so enmeshed with their parents that it affects their relationships. Grow up already. Pathetic.

You are SO lucky you didn't marry this girl - she's not a woman, she's a girl. 8 years is a long time to just date someone, sounds like your instincts were holding you back from taking things further...


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## IWantGreatMarriage (May 20, 2014)

I am with the others here. Ditch the girlfriend and spend sometime loving YOU. From what you have written, it doesn't seem to be much of a relationship anyway.
You deserve better than this


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Sounds like your girlfriend might come from a different culture. Where is FIL? It may be that his absence made your GF very close to her mother. Does she have siblings?

If you entertain having a relationship with your GF, then you need to figure out what makes her mother tick. If you can get along with her and she is a responsible person, then you have an extended family under one roof. This has happened in human history.

The only way such a situation can work is if you have a sense of humor. Know how to set boundaries. Her mother has to respect you. Can such a puzzle work?

You cannot live with it if you are being whipped between the two of them.

Are you feeling self confident in your business now?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

You can see the relationship is fundamentally broken. You have a fight and she's moving in her mother, dating other men and cancelling rental agreements behind your back. Then the mother treats you like garbage because the daughter is obviously telling her stuff that makes her dislike you.

Why are you still hanging off this woman? Do you want to be the guy hanging off the girl who's hanging off her mother? Just accept it's a crap relationship and move on already. 8 years of life is enough time spent on a relationship that's going exactly *nowhere*. How much more of your life do you want to waste on this?


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## supertoztoz (Oct 6, 2014)

Thanks for the reply guys.

Her mother has no siblings and she took care of her own mother so i think she is excepting my girlfriend to do the same with her.
My Gf was loyal until the day her mom needed a place to stay. She then became a liar and extremely sneaky in order to protect her mom interest.

She is a great women and i feel like it's not right to leave her in that situation. 

Really hard to make a decision but if i decide to move on i will cut everything and i will never speak to her again. This is how i am i give it all and try everything possible and logical to fix things because i know that afterwards my decision is irreversible.


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## supertoztoz (Oct 6, 2014)

breeze said:


> You can see the relationship is fundamentally broken. You have a fight and she's moving in her mother, dating other men and cancelling rental agreements behind your back. Then the mother treats you like garbage because the daughter is obviously telling her stuff that makes her dislike you.
> 
> Why are you still hanging off this woman? Do you want to be the guy hanging off the girl who's hanging off her mother? Just accept it's a crap relationship and move on already. 8 years of life is enough time spent on a relationship that's going exactly *nowhere*. How much more of your life do you want to waste on this?


My girlfriend is from north america and she's white caucasian english.
Not really a cultural thing so thats why i dont get that situation at all.

I have been searching online to see similar post than mine but i havent found a similar situation.
Thats why i decided to post here to get some advices.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> Thats why i decided to post here to get some advices.


Where are you from? what's your native language?


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## supertoztoz (Oct 6, 2014)

NextTimeAround said:


> Where are you from? what's your native language?


France


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

So, you have little income, and rely on this girlfriend for your income to pay rent, light bills, food, gas, etc? You mention condo but then mentioned your landlord? That is not what we call a condo. A condo here is property that you own, no landlord is involved.

So, you GF is paying your way, and decided since she is paying for everything, might as well get her mom a free place to stay.

I totally understand your GF's thinking. Its her money, she can do what she wants with it. 

Your options are:

1) take it up your arse, like you are so far
2) kick her out, and find another GF and possibly go bankrupt since you do not have any steady income.
3) get a real job that pays significant money or the equivalent (investors that will pay you a SALARY to bring your product to market). Then rent a tiny appt for he rmom nearby, kick moms butt out of your place, and decide if you want your GF living with you or in mom's appt.


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## supertoztoz (Oct 6, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> So, you have little income, and rely on this girlfriend for your income to pay rent, light bills, food, gas, etc? You mention condo but then mentioned your landlord? That is not what we call a condo. A condo here is property that you own, no landlord is involved.
> 
> So, you GF is paying your way, and decided since she is paying for everything, might as well get her mom a free place to stay.
> 
> ...


You got it all wrong but its normal you dont know the full story.
I am a business owner and as you know it takes time to get started. I always paid everything with her but since the past couple years i had to invest a lot on it and she was covering. Something she offered and why not since i gave her half the share of my company right. Thats what we call being a team.

Everything changed once she decided that her mom had to stay with us and nothing else. It was like take it or leave like she took a dog or a cat you know.
Not concerned about privacy or anything it was her mom and thats it.

I offer right now to go half on everything since things are better and refuse in order to keep control of everything and to protect her mom interest.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

look out about 2 years from now. Can you live with her under her "rules", or will you be miserable then? If miserable, then you need to kick the mom out immediately. Maybe since you are so intertwined with the GF at this point, marry her, but make a condition of the marriage be that mom leave and never come back into your home?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

If your girlfriend is loyal towards her mother, who is apparently alone in the world, that is not a bad thing. 

Is she psychologically independent of her?

Do you want to have children with her?

MIL can be very difficult, but evolution empowered them to protect their DNA. Many married people have difficult relations with in-laws. So, you are hardly unique.

Click a switch in your brain to like your GF's mother. Listen to her talk. Smile, nod, think. There is some chance that your GF will resemble her in the future.

Would GF's be a good grandmother?

Can you make GF's mother laugh? If she likes you, that will allow your GF to relax.

Use the Gallic sense of ironic humor to see the big picture.

Does you GF have a high IQ?

What happened to her dad?


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

There is so much deception going on here, that you two have problems even if the mother isn't around. It sounds like you should cut your losses, and move on. Let them live together. 

If your girlfriend took out a mortgage without your knowledge, well good. Your signature isn't on it, so you won't be responsible for paying it. 

Here is another solution. Constantly tell your gf how attractive her mom is, and start flirting with her mom. See how much your gf still wants her mom to stay under those conditions...


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## supertoztoz (Oct 6, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> look out about 2 years from now. Can you live with her under her "rules", or will you be miserable then? If miserable, then you need to kick the mom out immediately. Maybe since you are so intertwined with the GF at this point, marry her, but make a condition of the marriage be that mom leave and never come back into your home?


She can't kick her out because her mom has nowhere to go and she is terrified to let her live alone. 
I also have a feeling that if i take her mom away from her she will turn on me.
Really hard to make a call.


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## supertoztoz (Oct 6, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> If your girlfriend is loyal towards her mother, who is apparently alone in the world, that is not a bad thing.
> 
> Is she psychologically independent of her?
> 
> ...


Her mom is long time divorced and doesn't have any social life so she is stuck to her daughter. I can get along with her probably but i just found it weird for privacy etc... SO hard to decide:scratchhead:


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## supertoztoz (Oct 6, 2014)

Theseus said:


> There is so much deception going on here, that you two have problems even if the mother isn't around. It sounds like you should cut your losses, and move on. Let them live together.
> 
> If your girlfriend took out a mortgage without your knowledge, well good. Your signature isn't on it, so you won't be responsible for paying it.
> 
> Here is another solution. Constantly tell your gf how attractive her mom is, and start flirting with her mom. See how much your gf still wants her mom to stay under those conditions...


I wish i can do that Theseus but her mother look twice her age and she's the opposite of attractive


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Ummmm,

You gave 50% of a business to a girlfriend? Is this on paper anywhere? Is it enforceable?

Even if she did float bills for you, YOUR the one that put in 100% of your sweat equity into this business.

Right now, it's bad business. I think your screwed. You might as well be married and getting a divorce. Because from now on, you'll be working 100% of the time and giving away 50% of your income for the rest of your life.


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## supertoztoz (Oct 6, 2014)

alphaomega said:


> Ummmm,
> 
> You gave 50% of a business to a girlfriend? Is this on paper anywhere? Is it enforceable?
> 
> ...


No i removed her from my business since she also didn't wanted to get involved at all


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Now to my other comment...

It doesn't matter about the mother. That's secondary.

Primary? She's flirting with old flames and reconnecting with old boyfriends. Why would you even stay with her after this one fact?

Look bud. There's no such thing as being the bigger man in this situation. In fact, you are doing the exact opposite. You are being a doormat, and thinking that by some sense of martyrdom, you'll come out ahead. It doesn't work that way. In history, martyrs get dead. In reality, no one will give a shat about you thinking that by putting up with this behavior then that makes you a "stronger" man.

Nope. It just means she keeps stomping on your spine.

Me? I'd dump her, and her mother. Not so much about the mother moving in. It would be about not wanting to spend the rest of my life with a girl that runs to other men when she has a disagreement with you.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

I might have this wrong, but what I get your posts so far is:


You've been with your GF for 8 years, and in that time you've spent a lot of it (at least one year) living in different countries.
Your GF pays her own bills.
Within the last year (and while you were away) your GF's mom lost her housing, and your GF moved her into your and your GF's rental condo (for which your GF is paying rent, at least her share of it.)
Sometime within the last year you and your GF had a big fight and you didn't speak for six (!!!!) weeks- a month and a half. You state that you are the kind of person who won't speak again once broken up with a girl, so I think it's fair to say that your GF probably thought your relationship together was done.
During this time she broke the lease on the apartment, telling the landlord that you and her broke up. Did she move into a new place?
During this time, she also started to date others.
You two got back together. She has told you that you need to consider her and her mom a package deal. 
 You just found out that she needs to find a new place to live and she is looking up new apartments and maybe getting a mortgage, but she isn't telling you about it.

So, if I have this right, I think this relationship is a goner unless some serious action is taken very quickly. It is possible that she will speak with you once she's found some options (new apartments, maybe a house) but I think she is used to living without you, she doesn't need your financially, and you recently broke up, and got back together. That means she knows she can do well without you, having experienced it. However, even now, she is on her own. She is continuing to live a life without you.

I know you're ticked off at your GF and I can understand it. One the other hand, I can also see why your GF would stick with her mom right now, over her boyfriend who is frequently oversees and might not really be reliable financially or emotionally (not talking to her for 6 weeks is certainly a break-up even if you don't call it that- relationships don't survive that kind of behavior; why don't you acknowledge it was a break-up? It seems weird to me that you'd feel betrayed and not understand why she did what she did...).

Unlike the others, I don't have much of a gripe with your GF. *You aren't married* and as such, it makes sense to me that she will stick with her family. You aren't paying her bills. You don't even live together most of the time because you are in a different country. 

This would be entirely different if you were married- then her commitment would be to you. But that is not the case here. 

I think you are right about your gf and her mom. They are a duo and you won't have your GF without her mom until her mom dies or someone, somehow, is able to pay for her own nice place. You are in a lose-lose situation because if you try to force them apart she will resent you. The only way to get to "Win" is to accept that the MIL is a package deal *and* you can somehow make it work for you. 

It's not all that uncommon- I know several couples who have their in-laws living with them in an "in-law suite". My husband has two cousins who created very nice (if small) apartments for their in-laws over their garages. It's workable if you can get along with the in-law. It works best when they have their own space. However- it is very, very rarely easy or enjoyable. It is stressful. It doesn't go away until death. Think hard on whether you really want this to be your life.


If you really want this to work with your GF, I think first of all you need to get back to living with her and severely limit your travel away. Long separations are really hard on married couples- many marriages don't survive it, and this is when marriage, mortgages, and kids are on the line. For dating couples I suspect the survival rate is even less.

Next, I would find out what she needs to make things work. This probably means having an in-law suite and maybe you getting work nearby with a steady paycheck. Who knows, the paycheck thing might not be a big deal to her.

But whatever her needs are, find them out and find a way to have an integrated life. Right now she has been building a life without you. That is not a way to a successful romantic partnership- it's a route to singlehood.

I agree with the others that this might not be the right girl for you; there is nothing wrong with that. I didn't get married until I was in my late 30s. Before we dated my now-Husband used to tease me, calling me a Spinster. I would just reply "That's just another word for being smarter than a divorced person" (he was divorced.) There's another woman out there who can make you just as happy- or even happier- than your current GF. Since you're not married, your options are open. 

Best of luck to you, whichever way your relationship goes.


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## Emren0316 (Oct 2, 2014)

Sorry to hear that this has happened with your Girl Friend and her mom. Have you thought about talking with a counselor or setting some boundaries with her mom? 

Hope everything works out! 

Emren0316


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