# how do I deal with her negging me to my parents



## e.p. (Jun 10, 2011)

Gentlemen,

I realized awhile back that I was slumping into betaness and have been working on bringing some of the alpha back. I started weightlifting last year and am currently in better physical shape than at any other point in our marriage. I'm very successful at work and should complete my Ph.D. this fall. I've worked on some of the aspects of game, some things (being dominant, a decision maker, delegating, etc.) working better than others (the occasional neg, 10 second kiss with mixed response). 

My parents are in town and staying with us for a few days, and last night she started complaining about how "I made our son's bed but forgot to put the plastic cover on" and "I load the dishwasher but dishes always come out dirty" and hers never are, and "he ripped apart the shower but can't figure out why it is dripping"

(however the other half of each of those is: she neglected to make the bed for 3 days forcing our son to sleep on the floor. She doesn't do the dishes 3/4 of the time and I did rip apart the bathroom but put it back together and told her I needed to do some more research to figure out how to fix it.)

I didn't reprimand her in front of my parents although I did give her a disappointed/glaring look while she was talking. Did not get a chance to approach her in private yet.

How would you have handled it?

-e.p.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

e.p. said:


> Gentlemen,
> 
> I realized awhile back that I was slumping into betaness and have been working on bringing some of the alpha back. I started weightlifting last year and am currently in better physical shape than at any other point in our marriage. I'm very successful at work and should complete my Ph.D. this fall. I've worked on some of the aspects of game, some things (being dominant, a decision maker, delegating, etc.) working better than others (the occasional neg, 10 second kiss with mixed response).
> 
> ...


I think you have to take her aside and tell her straight up how it makes you feel when she does this, while giving her the benefit of the doubt that she may not realize the that it hurts in front of the parents. Tell her that you give her that benefit of the doubt, because its really up to her as to whether she was doing it purposefully.

That said, while others might disagree, I'd be careful not to assume every conflict is an excuse to go too alpha. I'm pretty alpha and when I was younger and immature, I might have handled it in a way that would've brought her to tears. This is an area of guilt that I carry. It goes along with the line of reasoning that if she callenged me in front of other, then she will be confronted in front of them. I'm not saying that this happened often in the early years, but I saw that there is a certain amount of beta that I needed to learn too. You have to find the backbone(not suggesting that you don't have it), in a sense, while keeping the beta compassion. I think many women want a little alpha, but need some beta too. What I'm ultimately getting it is that in the scheme of things, the best lesson I learned was that some skirmishes don't even need to be fought.

Part of being more alpha is feeling your self-worth so strongly that these things just don't bother you


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

e.p. said:


> Gentlemen,
> 
> I realized awhile back that I was slumping into betaness and have been working on bringing some of the alpha back. I started weightlifting last year and am currently in better physical shape than at any other point in our marriage. I'm very successful at work and should complete my Ph.D. this fall. I've worked on some of the aspects of game, some things (being dominant, a decision maker, delegating, etc.) working better than others (the occasional neg, 10 second kiss with mixed response).
> 
> ...


I would have taken my parents out somewhere and left her there.

Bob


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## e.p. (Jun 10, 2011)

Halien said:


> I think you have to take her aside and tell her straight up how it makes you feel when she does this, while giving her the benefit of the doubt that she may not realize the that it hurts in front of the parents. Tell her that you give her that benefit of the doubt, because its really up to her as to whether she was doing it purposefully.


I agree. I try to give her the benefit of the doubt. In a similar situation a few months ago she kept using the phrase that "you hated me and the kids" for a few weeks while I was going through some emotional issues (mourning the suicide of my brother). I let it roll the first time but the second I sat her down and informed her in no uncertain terms that the phrase was an incorrect statement and I would not hear it from her lips again without consequences. She respected that.





Halien said:


> That said, while others might disagree, I'd be careful not to assume every conflict is an excuse to go too alpha. I'm pretty alpha and when I was younger and immature, I might have handled it in a way that would've brought her to tears. ... What I'm ultimately getting it is that in the scheme of things, the best lesson I learned was that some skirmishes don't even need to be fought.


You are right which is why I didn't press the issue in front of company. I let it roll off my back instead of digressing down that path.



Halien said:


> Part of being more alpha is feeling your self-worth so strongly that these things just don't bother you


Her criticism does not bother me.

What concerns me is she apparently stews over little things like this. I neglected to mention she is a stay at home mom, and I work full time + PhD research. And yet I seem to be doing more than my fair share of housework, and she complains about me missing a few details? 

We are going out on a date night tonight, my parents are watching the kids. Not sure if I want to address it this evening but then again if I wait and address it later then she thinks I'm stewing over it.

Thanks for your insights,

-e.p.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Too easy!

The bed. Well, this isn't a fitness test, just her being b$tchy. You did forget the plastic cover. The trick to this one is to make sure you don't get upset by her words, and that they don't have power over your jovial mood. . I would have looked at the bed, Brought my kid in with her, stared at the bed some more, hummed and hawed a bit to chew up her time, and then asked my kid..."well, munchkin....? What should we do about this?" then laughed it off.

The dishwasher is a classic fitness test. I would have opened up the dishwasher, looked inside for a while...brought up some fake tears...and then started crying..."why oh why, dishwasher...do you hate me so! It's not fair!". Then, pretend your listening to the dishwasher say something back to you... Then go.."yes! Your right! I totally agree!". Then, turn to your wife, and say.."the dishwasher likes it much better when you load it up. He says he cleans the dishes much better for you. Ok! Problem solved! You can load the dishwasher from now on. Then they will be much cleaner from now on!"

The trick is to use humor as much as possible. Especially in front of friends and family. That way, you get your point across, but don't look like an a$$ either.
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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I think I just would have responded "Yeah, PhD's are really good at beds and dishwashers" and laughed it off.

But later, in a nice voice and a smile, you put the dishes on the counter and say "I'll leave these here for you to load. You seem to do a better job than me".


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Lol. I could go to town passing fitness tests if I had a PHd. I could use that whole Nutty Professor act in a lot of things! Too funny.
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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

The danger here is that eventually, her criticisms will make you start to resent her and then not like her. She needs to know this.

I would tell her that you feel like you work hard and contribute a lot already and that when she is critical, it gets in the way of the good feelings you have for her. Tell her this straight out. She probably grew up with a critical mother or father and the behavior is now ingrained, but she needs to try to work on it for the sake of the marriage. People who are critical of others are also critical of themselves, so she's probably down on herself a lot, too, but you may not recognize that. 

I think this whole alpha and beta stuff is another way of saying that you should believe in your own self-worth and not accept disrespectful treatment from anyone (male or female).


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Laurae1967 said:


> I think this whole alpha and beta stuff is another way of saying that you should believe in your own self-worth and not accept disrespectful treatment from anyone (male or female).


Bingo!
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## nader (May 4, 2011)

> The bed. Well, this isn't a fitness test, just her being b$tchy. You did forget the plastic cover. The trick to this one is to make sure you don't get upset by her words, and that they don't have power over your jovial mood. . I would have looked at the bed, Brought my kid in with her, stared at the bed some more, hummed and hawed a bit to chew up her time, and then asked my kid..."well, munchkin....? What should we do about this?" then laughed it off.


This is marvelous! I can't wait til my son is old enough for moments like this.


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## e.p. (Jun 10, 2011)

Good stuff, I like the quick witty responses you guys suggest although I'm not always quick and witty in the middle of a conversation  Something to work on.




Laurae1967 said:


> The danger here is that eventually, her criticisms will make you start to resent her and then not like her. She needs to know this. I would tell her that you feel like you work hard and contribute a lot already and that when she is critical, it gets in the way of the good feelings you have for her.


So, would the consensus be to address this over dinner (date night tonight) or after the date, or not at all today?

-e.p.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

First, I applaud your initiative to correct what you describe in your relationship pertaining to "betaness" and taking control of your own happiness!

Now for your question, is what she said to her parents taken to heart by your parents? Or by you?

I am asking because, it is most likely her insecurity showing (SAHM still requiring her PHd husband to help her with most basic tasks), and given the informatoin just in your first post, would only assume it is a simple manifestation of her insecurity and treat it likewise.

This is to treat these "fitness tests" (because that is exactly what they are) as humorous nitpicking, and so for each time she is critical, simply respond in a way to show how "adorable" is her complaining and that you still love her despite her nitpicking, as the example joke about "PHds and beds" or something similar perfectly demonstrates.

Otherwise, assume she is maybe feeling overpressured at your parents staying with you, or feeling as if your parents are judging her and she is responding by deflection.

If this is the case, them express by some action or gesture of your feelings toward your wife in the presence of your parents, that your woman FEELS perfectly secure and happy and free of the need of external judgment or need for deflection.

And in private, address the issue certainly. 

But do so from a position of strength: "Babe, I am wondering from your nitpicking in front of my parents, if something is wrong, I would like for your to tell me what is it and what I may do to help."

As opposed to a position of weakness: "You embarrassed me in front of my parents, what's your problem!"

From a position of strenght, you still communicate that you are aware there is an issue (you are keen, sensitive), and that you want to know what the problem is and fix it (embracing conflict in leadership).

As opposed to the opposite, which would show your woman that she can easily manipulate your situation, make you upset, and cause you to attack her emotionally.

So congratulations on not reprimanding her in front of your parents, but do not simply ignore it.

A man to be successful at addressing fitness tests born from insecurity, he should become skilled at thinking on his feet in such situations, being self depreciating at first (humor), but in the backhanded sort of way to also show a little ego and how "cute" or "amusing" his woman's fitness test is, all the while never losing his self control, and by reinforcing his attraction to his woman, and not in any way "attacking" her, but instead by using her fitness test as opportunity to show publically (in front of parents, for example) that "he still loves her despite her adorable (insert cute name for fitness test at hand)".

I wish you well.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Yeah! That's the stuff! I go a little overboard with the drama queen act because I know my wife won't get terribly offended by that and sometimes makes her laugh. 

BBWs advice is excellent! Thanks Wolf!
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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

e.p. said:


> What concerns me is she apparently stews over little things like this. I neglected to mention she is a stay at home mom, and I work full time + PhD research. And yet I seem to be doing more than my fair share of housework, and she complains about me missing a few details?


Now this is a really good excuse for a bit of fun! As soon as she makes a complaint then say something like “Right I’ve had enough of that and you’re in for a spanking”. Say it with a fun smile on your face, the thing is to get her to run away from you so the “chase is on”. Chase her a bit and then catch her. Once caught, sit down, put her across your knee and play spank her bum. She should of course be giggling throughout the whole process. And there’s only one ending.

But honestly, if you are working full time, financially supporting for your family and studying for a PhD and doing most of the housework there is something seriously wrong in your life. I would let my wife know that by not tolerating being put down in front of my parents or anybody else. You reward good behaviour, you don’t reward bad behaviour. That’s why she’d been left at home.

Bob


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Wow. I like that advise much better than mine! Great test comeback!
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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

alphaomega said:


> Too easy!
> 
> The bed. Well, this isn't a fitness test, just her being b$tchy. You did forget the plastic cover. The trick to this one is to make sure you don't get upset by her words, and that they don't have power over your jovial mood. . I would have looked at the bed, Brought my kid in with her, stared at the bed some more, hummed and hawed a bit to chew up her time, and then asked my kid..."well, munchkin....? What should we do about this?" then laughed it off.
> 
> ...


That is so hilarious! I only had the presence of mind to come up with one like that only once. She said that the dryer doesn't dry them well enough when I do it, implying that I was packing too many clothes in it. I said, "If I was a dryer, and you leaned over far enough to show me your t!ts every time you wanted me to do something, I'd work much harder too!"


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Haha! That's awesome! I'm using that one next time!
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