# Was I unreasonable?



## losinghope12 (Jan 31, 2012)

So my marriage has all but completely disintegrated.....after 8 months. The wife is moving out within the next 2-3 weeks (around my birthday as fate would have it). I have a longer thread in this forum that goes into more detail but the Cliff Note's are my wife doesnt work, do any chores around the house, and has quickly disengaged from having any form of relationship with me. Sits on the computer all day, every day ignoring life around her. One of her biggest gripes with me as follows (NOTE: she has disengaged from our relationship months prior to this incident)

So around 8:30 on a Saturday morning about 2 months ago, I heard a text message come into her phone. Generally speaking, the wife doesnt get out of bed until 10:30 or later. On occassion her dad has called that early in the past and I've always woken her up to talk to him in case of emergency. Anyways, I hear the text and go read it to verify its level of importance. I notice it is from a guy I've never heard of, curious I read through their text history and see that it is very sexually explicit in nature. The guy lives half a country away, but still I was crushed at what I feel is emotional cheating.

I confronted her about this, she acknowledged it was someone she knew from playing online games with, and said she would put an end to it. I gave her the benefit of the doubt. After things settled down for the evening I went to check the message she had sent to this guy to confirm she told him to f off. Instead, I see a message asking him to be more discreet. I let that go.

In the following days/weeks I happen to notice on her Facebook Wall (publicly visible mind you - no snooping necessary) I find this same guy commenting on every single post she makes and liking every status she has. I confront her about this and she gets PISSED. I'm basically called a stalker, but nonetheless the posts disappeared, only to start showing back up maybe a month later.

I know I probably shouldn't, but since I feel my trust has been betrayed, I have spot checked her phone every so often. There is at least one other guy (also an online gamer buddy of hers) that she is actively flirting with. I believe (but have not been able to confirm) that she asked for a penis picture of another guy. I haven't mentioned to her these other discoveries.

I don't know if it is guilty conscience on her part, feel I'll discover something more damaging or what, but in the last 2 weeks a password unlock screen has appeared on her phone and all passwords have been changed. I haven't even brought up the fact that I have noticed this.

Anyways, she admitted to me our 8 month marriage is over, and in the coming weeks she is moving in with her dad a few hours away. Outside of disengaging from our relationship, I really believe she thinks I am a stalker and doesn't trust being around me. Now my question - is what I did at all a reasonable response to the circumstances? I never went through her things before that fateful text, it just happened to be a coincidence. Am I a untrustworthy stalker? 

I have no doubt that if this were to be left unchecked and I never brought it up in the first place, this online flirting would eventually lead to a physical affair. Honestly I feel the flirting was cheating in of itself.

I guess I am so twisted around emotionally over how quickly my marriage disintegrated I am doubting myself and am in need of serious self reflection. Help?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

There is nothing wrong going through yours wife's business at any given time. My husband and I have each others passwords to email and social networking. 

We both go through each others business out of curiosity. Neither of us have nothing to hide, so your wife is completely out of line. She's just ticked because she got caught and doesn't have it made any longer.

I'm sorry for what she has put you through, but she's clearly having an affair. Moving 2 hours is a bit far if you have children together. She will have to meet you half way for visitation(if you have children).

Your far from being a stalker! You have a right to know what your wife is up to!


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Emotional Affairs can be more damaging than PA's. It helps them disengage emotionally from the connection with the spouse.

Sorry this happened to you. Plan to move on and learn the 180 for inner strength.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Nothing wrong with what you did.
A marriage should be 100% transparent. If you don't want that, don't get married!

Since she's already checked out, thereisn't much you can do but move on and find someone else who's more mature and worthy of your love.

last but not least as This is Me said, read the 180 and implement immeadiately


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## ConfusedGuy82 (Nov 18, 2011)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby -

I disagree with your assertion that when married, neither party has the right to privacy. You should trust your partner until been given reason not to. I have an expectation that my partner not go thru my phone, open mail addressed to me alone, or try to hack into my email or Facebook account.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

ConfusedGuy82 said:


> I'mInLoveWithMyHubby -
> 
> I disagree with your assertion that when married, neither party has the right to privacy. You should trust your partner until been given reason not to. I have an expectation that my partner not go thru my phone, open mail addressed to me alone, or try to hack into my email or Facebook account.


There is a difference between privacy and secrecy.

Privacy is what you require taking a dump.

Everything else is transparent to me in mine.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConfusedGuy82 (Nov 18, 2011)

LOL! I think there is a problem with people who feel the need to know their partner's passwords to email/facebook, etc. It shows a lack of trust. I found your definition of privacy amusing. My partner will try to carry on a conversation with me in the bathroom while I am answering nature's call and he honestly gets offended when I tell him "I don't need an audience right now...whatever you have to say can wait 5 mins". He usually storms out in a huff.


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

ConfusedGuy82 said:


> I'mInLoveWithMyHubby -
> 
> I disagree with your assertion that when married, neither party has the right to privacy. You should trust your partner until been given reason not to. I have an expectation that my partner not go thru my phone, open mail addressed to me alone, or try to hack into my email or Facebook account.


I agree and disagree depending on what. 
Mail: Depends, a personal letter, out of bounds. A bill, fair.
stbxw chewed my head off for opening a bill a month after we first got married, thanks to that I never knew what her bills were, but she always knew mine. She was/is a private person in every way. Lo and behold she was able to save up a large sum(by our income level) of money before we split.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

ConfusedGuy82 said:


> I'mInLoveWithMyHubby -
> 
> I disagree with your assertion that when married, neither party has the right to privacy. You should trust your partner until been given reason not to. I have an expectation that my partner not go thru my phone, open mail addressed to me alone, or try to hack into my email or Facebook account.


Both my husband and I have nothing to hide. We keep a list of our passwords next to the computer. It's called 100% transparency. We trust each other fully, but we are both welcome to go through each others business at any time. This is an agreement we made as a couple.


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## madwitt3 (Mar 2, 2012)

WOW, thats a doozy. Ok well here is my penny. I am married now for 17 years maybe not to much longer yet however lets move on. losinghope12 here is my opinion since I have found the same things with my husband not sexual but emotional affairs over the years with him. I have grown to distrust him and monitor his every move including putting webwatcher on his computer.....I even ordered software to monitor his cellphone activity to the point I could have used it as a mic, checked in on him as I wished. Well lets just say I am trying to hold together the strings of what our relationship was, and for our children trying to make sure he behaved to avoid getting hurt because I had trust issues. I had plenty reason. In the end I ended the relationship, it was killing me inside. I have passwrords to all his accounts including banking emails facebook credit cards etc. I learned more about him snooping then I could in a lifetime. What I found I didnt like and I had to make a choice. LET IT GO. I told him about the programs he deleted them. I am moving on with my life and he has a choice to be in it or not. He still comes home everyday and he is here every night. We are not sure where things will go, but I learned to let it go. Letting him go and the relationship. Once it gets to that point you have to snoop, go get therapy together or alone if the partner wont go. Its not healthy and its going to destroy your relationship in the end. You will be hurt and she will feel like an insect under a microscope (that's what my hubby says)Your better of letting her go and get some help dealing with your emotions right now. You need to get rid of the baggage before you move on with the next phase of your life. I wish you the best of luck, and my heart bleeds for you, I have walked in your shoes for 12 miserable years. NO MORE.


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