# Wife angry years after affair



## Beard (Dec 6, 2017)

My wife and I have been married for 10 years. Admittedly when we got married I was not ready to marry her but I caved to her continuous pressure. I did love her and she was pregnant with our first child so I felt somewhat obligated. She also had 3 children from 2 previous marriages which deepened my feelings of obligation. I had never been married nor did I have any children. 

In the first 6 years of marriage I wasn't 100% committed and continually thought about leaving but had 3 children together during that time. The first 2 children we had together she stopped taking birth to control but didn't tell me which only added to my confusion. The 3rd was just an accident all the way around. Nevertheless I felt somewhat used and trapped but it deepened my internal conflict as I felt I needed to do "right by her" and all these innocent children that would be impacted by another divorce in her life.

Inevitably as you may have guessed my conflicting feelings led to a separation and and affair on my part during the 3 months we were separated. It also caused me to be somewhat checked out in the marriage during the first 6 years. The separation happened 4 years ago. 

But something happened. She pursued me quite strongly during our separation and I sought counseling. I realized that despite all the complicated history I really did love my wife. I told her I wanted to reconcile the marriage, committ 100%, but I also had to tell her about my affair. She was understandably hurt but wanted to reconcile the marriage anyway. The first year was hard but through marriage counseling and individual counseling our marriage became rock solid. We really came together. She forgave me for the past. The last 3 years have been the best of my life. We just had a second honeymoon 3 months ago. I have been faithful and committed since.

Then out of the blue 2 months ago she shows up with a new tattoo and says she wants to spread her wings and fly. She says she's not sure she loves me anymore and considering divorce. I pressed her as to why and all she will bring up is my past misdeeds. For 2 months all I've heard is how much of a dirtbag I am for stepping out. She says she made it too easy on me to come back after infidelity.

I feel very conflicted about this. Is she really angry about the past or she just using it as fuel for some sort of midlife crisis?

BTW she has a new single friend in her life and they seem inseparable and she seems checked out a bit from the kids too, not just me.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

I'm having trouble with the numbers here.

She had 3 from previous marriage.

You and her had 3 together?

Were the first two due to lack of birth control on her part, or the second one, or the second two?

What do you know about her two previous relationships that bore children? Such as: her age, how long they were, why she left.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Beard said:


> My wife and I have been married for 10 years. Admittedly when we got married I was not ready to marry her but I caved to her continuous pressure. I did love her and she was pregnant with our first child so I felt somewhat obligated. She also had 3 children from 2 previous marriages which deepened my feelings of obligation. I had never been married nor did I have any children.
> 
> In the first 6 years of marriage I wasn't 100% committed and continually thought about leaving but had 3 children together during that time. The first 2 children we had together she stopped taking birth to control but didn't tell me which only added to my confusion. The 3rd was just an accident all the way around. Nevertheless I felt somewhat used and trapped but it deepened my internal conflict as I felt I needed to do "right by her" and all these innocent children that would be impacted by another divorce in her life.
> 
> ...


You’re _both_ kinda dirtbags, dude.

Oh, and she’s cheating now, BTW.


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## Beard (Dec 6, 2017)

She had 3 from a previous marriage.

We have 3 together. Our first 2 children came about because she stopped taking birth control and didn't tell me.

She hasn't really said a whole lot about her other marriages other than her first husband had a temper and her and the 2nd husband fought a lot.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

So, basically she's doing what you did, back in the day. IE check out of the marriage and want something more.

And yes, she's still pissed at you, for what you did. 

Time for some marriage counselling. Where you can both offload what's been festering.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Beard said:


> BTW she has a new single friend in her life and they seem inseparable and she seems checked out a bit from the kids too, not just me.


This is the problem.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Beard said:


> She had 3 from a previous marriage.
> 
> We have 3 together. Our first 2 children came about because she stopped taking birth control and didn't tell me.
> 
> She hasn't really said a whole lot about her other marriages other than her first husband had a temper and her and the 2nd husband fought a lot.


After the first pregnancy together, I assume that you would have asked her if she had been taking birth control pills. Did she lie to you about that?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

She's cheating now and wants to divert the attention and blame back onto you.

Typical cheater - lying and blameshifting.

So now you know ... what's your plan to change this?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Beard,

I think she may have cheated on her first two husbands and given you a story that makes her look like the victim. 

Your WW sounds like a runner who gets unhappy and divorces ever 7-15 years like clockwork.

Alot else going on here. 

The tatoo is financial cheating by itself. Is the friend divorced, single, a known cheater, lesbian etc. 

Tamat


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Don't confront or she will take it underground, for now gather evidence and go 007 on her. Don't reveal what you are doing to anyone.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

TAMAT said:


> Beard,
> 
> I think she may have cheated on her first two husbands and given you a story that makes her look like the victim.
> 
> ...


I believe this may be the case and it's why I wanted to know more about the kid and previous relationship situation.

I'd also like to know a lot more details about the lack of birth control, because it sounds like she baby trapped you.

For the record I think it's completely absurd, given her history, to say she all of a sudden wants to spread her wings.


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## Beard (Dec 6, 2017)

GusPolinski said:


> You’re _both_ kinda dirtbags, dude.
> 
> Oh, and she’s cheating now, BTW.


I expected a response or two like this. I may even deserve it. But some people grow and mature and learn from mistakes. I know I have.

I thought at first she may be cheating but I really don't think she is.


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## Beard (Dec 6, 2017)

Steve1000 said:


> After the first pregnancy together, I assume that you would have asked her if she had been taking birth control pills. Did she lie to you about that?


Sure I asked at times but not everyday. In my view she was dishonest. In her view she says she swears she told me. I'm pretty sure I'd remember that.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Beard said:


> I expected a response or two like this. I may even deserve it. But some people grow and mature and learn from mistakes. I know I have.
> 
> I thought at first she may be cheating but I really don't think she is.


Yeah, maybe not.

She’s not above taking herself off of birth control in order to corner a guy into marriage (and then again... and maybe even AGAIN), but cheating is probably where she draws the line, right?

(^This^ is all sarcasm.)

Any overlap in her previous relationships?

Was she divorced by the time you and she started seeing each other?

Oh, and don’t worry — she doesn’t consider what she’s doing as cheating.

Even though that’s exactly what it is.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Some individual counseling would be good as well. you don't have good boundaries. Someone who conitnues to hassle and wear you down should not be allowed to get what they want. 

Always remember, you can be a good father without being a husband at the same time.

Here's a song for you:


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

What were the agreed upon terms of your separation? Did you agree to no dating while separated? That's an important piece of information here.


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## Beard (Dec 6, 2017)

Thanks for the responses. I needed some objective viewpoints. You've all given me some things to think about.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Beard said:


> Our first 2 children came about because she stopped taking birth control and didn't tell me.


And what does this say about her character? 

As for you, ever hear of "Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice. . . . ."?


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## Beard (Dec 6, 2017)

Tex X said:


> What were the agreed upon terms of your separation? Did you agree to no dating while separated? That's an important piece of information here.


Honestly dating others while we were separated wasn't discussed. I moved out and got my own place. I feel I was out of bounds looking back.


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## Beard (Dec 6, 2017)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> And what does this say about her character?
> 
> As for you, ever hear of "Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice. . . . ."?


Sure. I get that. Tough to police something like that though, believe me.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Spread her wings means spread her you know what. She has already moved on. She is just telling you after the fact.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Beard said:


> Sure. I get that. Tough to police something like that though, believe me.


I don't think that marriage counselling is relevant for your situation. Your wife is not going to be easy to deal with right now. Since she wants freedom 'to spread her wings', I think that the best you can do is to simply ask her what she now wants to do with your marriage. She'll likely bait you into an argument so she doesn't have to take responsibility for what she is about to do, but don't let that happen. I don't think that your relationship with her will become a happy one again.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Your whole marriage is built on deception.

You can't building anything on a faulty and unstable foundation.

This M is a sham. Be done with it.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Beard said:


> Sure. I get that. Tough to police something like that though, believe me.


Stop policing her - she already let you know she doesn't intend to act married.

When she gets pregnant again - make sure she can't blame you. Birth control is your responsibility too. Protect yourself.

Move your money too - into your name only - or she will take and spend all of what's available.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Sir, her and her new buddy are now checking out the single life as wing-girls. You want an eye opener, have her followed on one of her GNO's. There are two factors at work that set off my alarm bells: The first is the sudden turn around from where you were, second is the presence of a new friend. Let this scenario roll around: She meets new girl, they get friendly, they start opening up. Your wife does not characterize your affair as occurring while you were split. GF suggests getting back at you, or the "grass is greener elsewhere ". She now has a partner in crime. She may not as yet be having "contacts" but that is not to say it wont happen. Me, well, I encountered this some months ago. I have a SIL with those kind of instincts (let me put it this way, I am in a position to prefer criminal charges against my SIL, and in any other reality I would avoid them, but due to her shenanigan last summer--SCREW HER BLUE). In short, she invited my wife out on a GNO. As my trust in this woman is near nil, I casually asked my wife where they were going for dinner. When she answered me, I discovered that they were going to a cougar bar. So I asked my wife, where she was going to be living after the GNO. She blew a gasket. I said that her dear, cute little, sweet little sis was setting you up at a cougar bar. I had to explain that to her, and in a second she was on the line to her sister. First remark: Damn him for screwing up my surprise. Second remark: Oh come on, you've been married forever, don't you want to try something different? Don't you want to see how the other half lives. I was on the line as well, and I told my SIL in no uncertain terms that a)go find another wing girl b)you want something new and different? Try a broom handle (when my charges stick, she will find out about that in prison-I have her on fraud in excess of $5,000 and abuse of a senior/mentally challenged individual) and finally c)I called her boyfriend at the time, they were history within a day or so.


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## RonP (Dec 6, 2017)

I think I agree with Beach. Birth control!


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

So, 4 years ago you were an ass, moved out into your own place and cheated. 

She knew this, forgave you, took you back, and all was well for over 3 years. You saw the light and became a better husband. 

Now after 3,years you get the ILYBINILWY speach, and she is "spreading her wings". And "angry" about your past indiscretions. 

I call BS. What she is spreading is not her wings. 

Sounds like she's having (or getting ready to have) an affair, and is justifying it in her mind by blaming your past behavior. 

Dig deeper.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Seriously ask her exactly how far she thinks she's going to be able to "spread her wings" with 6 freakin kids. The problem with using pregnancy to trap men is that, when you're bored of them, you're still responsible for caring for the child. Also ask her who the hell she thinks is going to want to date a woman three times divorced with 6 little dependents in tow. She's waving so many red flags decent men will be running for the exits when they see her coming. Which, by the way, is what I think you should do. Run for the exits.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

OP, fo the other baby daddies come around to see their children?


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## PDXGuardsman (Nov 18, 2017)

Beard said:


> My wife and I have been married for 10 years. Admittedly when we got married I was not ready to marry her but I caved to her continuous pressure. I did love her and she was pregnant with our first child so I felt somewhat obligated. She also had 3 children from 2 previous marriages which deepened my feelings of obligation. I had never been married nor did I have any children.
> 
> In the first 6 years of marriage I wasn't 100% committed and continually thought about leaving but had 3 children together during that time. The first 2 children we had together she stopped taking birth to control but didn't tell me which only added to my confusion. The 3rd was just an accident all the way around. Nevertheless I felt somewhat used and trapped but it deepened my internal conflict as I felt I needed to do "right by her" and all these innocent children that would be impacted by another divorce in her life.
> 
> ...




Run! Run like hell...don’t look back! Fulfill your obligations as a father! Find a new woman or women. It’s not worth the hassle you’re gonna endure. No one can undue the past.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

I feel sorry for the kids.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

So she has already had 2 failed marriages. (not a good sign).

You cheated when she separated. (Damage done)

Now she is spreading her wings and has a new friend (Friend guy or girl, I am assuming guy but girl could also mean encouraging to cheat or maybe she is trying out girls).

I think you should tell her either she breaks off the friendship gets her head in the marriage or you both should just call it and admit defeat. Single mother with 6 kids is probably not going to have the best long term prospects. At least she may get her head back in the game.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Sometimes people panic after spouse has an affair and fight to get them back, then realize that what they got isn't great. 

Its also possible that she is otherwise unhappy for whatever reason..... she's unhappy with you, she's got another guy, who knows? When you have a spouse that's cheated any unhappiness can make you revisit it. It never goes away.

And maybe she figures that you did it so now it's fair game? Honestly that's kind of how I think.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> Seriously ask her exactly how far she thinks she's going to be able to "spread her wings" with 6 freakin kids. The problem with using pregnancy to trap men is that, when you're bored of them, you're still responsible for caring for the child. Also ask her who the hell she thinks is going to want to date a woman three times divorced with 6 little dependents in tow. She's waving so many red flags decent men will be running for the exits when they see her coming. Which, by the way, is what I think you should do. Run for the exits.


Perfect answer.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

This lady has an appalling track record with relationships. You dont say how old you both are, but a woman with 6 children from 3 men and 3 failed marriages (assuming that she will want a divorce), is not fit to be a mother to be honest. 

Still you married her knowing that she had been married twice and already had 3 children, and then you had three more(couldn't you have had a vasectomy at some point?). 

Looks like she is bailing out again and my heart goes out to those poor children, especially those from her first marriage who have already been though 2 family break ups and will now be going through a third. Poor kids. What hope have they with a mother like her.


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## scman243 (Dec 9, 2017)

Well, I had an affair 16 years ago. We tried to get through it. Ended up separating for a year and a half. Got back together and 16 years later I still get reminded of what I did. So best advise, if you want the marriage to work, show love, answer questions, keep your ego and anger in check. I learned the hard way, I didn’t show love, wanted to just forget, not be reminded of.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Bread my concern is that at present your a babysitter to her and nothing more...you can stop that leverage if you want to..remember you are only responsible for your kids this will strap her down and i me to reflect her situation


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

MJJEAN said:


> Seriously ask her exactly how far she thinks she's going to be able to "spread her wings" with 6 freakin kids. The problem with using pregnancy to trap men is that, when you're bored of them, you're still responsible for caring for the child. Also ask her who the hell she thinks is going to want to date a woman three times divorced with 6 little dependents in tow. She's waving so many red flags decent men will be running for the exits when they see her coming. Which, by the way, is what I think you should do. Run for the exits.


When I was back in the dating scene, about a year before I met the W, a good female friend introduced me to a friend of hers. Nice looking woman, and certainly pleasant enough to be around. Friendly personality. I didn't pay too much further attention once I learned she had three failed marriages and SIX kids from 3 baby daddies. All I needed to know right there. Oh, my friend kept trying to get us to hook up. I found every excuse under the sun to not let that happen again.

A single mom with a single kid or maybe two has a tough enough row to hoe. The odds of her finding a truly good man with anything in mind other than a piece of ass drops exponentially with every kid with a different "baby daddy" added to the mix. 

I'm sure she thinks pretty freakin' highly of herself right now because some horny jocker talked her up in a bar trying to get into her mommy panties, and she envisions herself being some kind of "playa" again given a little freedom to "spread her wings". Ya know what? Kick her outta the damn nest and let her spread those wings. And let her splat on the ground below.

Sorry, but I go out on a date with someone, and they've got babies with more than two men (and even that's a stretch...she better be special)....Seeya...nice to of met ya.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Bread my concern is that at present your a babysitter to her and nothing more...you can stop that leverage if you want to..remember you are only responsible for your kids this will strap her down and i me to reflect her situation


My thoughts too.

OP is being shoved into the role of provider/babysitter while she acts like an idiot.

She didn't seem very stable to begin with and is still very unstable.

His infidelity would be very damaging to someone healthy but I don't think she would have been fine after a certain time had elapsed even if he didn't cheat.

Put some distance between you and her. Stop babysitting and make her look at what her future will be if you walk.

She will still be unstable, thrice divorced mother of 6 by 3 men with single friends she likes to spread her wings with.

Tell her she can spread her wings all she wants to but turkeys can't fly.


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## Hexagon (Jun 20, 2017)

GusPolinski said:


> Yeah, maybe not.
> 
> She’s not above taking herself off of birth control in order to corner a guy into marriage (and then again... and maybe even AGAIN), but cheating is probably where she draws the line, right?


Its what mine did. After she told me she was pregnant she then revealed that she hadnt taken birth control for over two weeks. She said she "forgot". 
It absolutely happens and can see it here. 

After 6 kids, why is anyone still wanting to run around. You have kids to take care of. When do you even have the time to consider running around?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

T


MJJEAN said:


> Seriously ask her exactly how far she thinks she's going to be able to "spread her wings" with 6 freakin kids. The problem with using pregnancy to trap men is that, when you're bored of them, you're still responsible for caring for the child. Also ask her who the hell she thinks is going to want to date a woman three times divorced with 6 little dependents in tow. She's waving so many red flags decent men will be running for the exits when they see her coming. Which, by the way, is what I think you should do. Run for the exits.


This is so spot on.

She is detached from her reality.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

My sister briefly dated a guy whose babymama had 2 children from a prior relationship. The couple of times my sister and he got together, he told my sister how his babymama is pushing for more child support. 

Since they live in a state in which the noncustodial parent can have his / her payments decreased when they go back to university, the babymama was trying to put pressure on the father her third child to pay more money.

OP, do the other baby daddies pay their child support?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Hexagon said:


> Its what mine did. After she told me she was pregnant she then revealed that she hadnt taken birth control for over two weeks. She said she "forgot".
> It absolutely happens and can see it here.
> 
> After 6 kids, why is anyone still wanting to run around. You have kids to take care of. When do you even have the time to consider running around?


Not saying OP’s wife didn’t do that.

What I’m saying is that it’s naive for him to think that she’d do that but would somehow draw the line at cheating.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Not saying OP’s wife didn’t do that.
> 
> What I’m saying is that it’s naive for him to think that she’d do that but would somehow draw the line at cheating.


Yeah, "I forgot for two weeks" is not the same as "oops" two different times.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Beard said:


> My wife and I have been married for 10 years. Admittedly when we got married I was not ready to marry her but I caved to her continuous pressure. I did love her and she was pregnant with our first child so I felt somewhat obligated. She also had 3 children from 2 previous marriages which deepened my feelings of obligation. I had never been married nor did I have any children.
> 
> In the first 6 years of marriage I wasn't 100% committed and continually thought about leaving but had 3 children together during that time. The first 2 children we had together she stopped taking birth to control but didn't tell me which only added to my confusion. The 3rd was just an accident all the way around. Nevertheless I felt somewhat used and trapped but it deepened my internal conflict as I felt I needed to do "right by her" and all these innocent children that would be impacted by another divorce in her life.
> 
> ...



Dude, I have to be blunt here. You picked the low-hanging fruit. The reason you weren't 100% committed to the marriage is that was your survival instincts and what little bit of self-esteem that you had were telling you that you should not have been with her in the first place. 

Then she pulled the oldest trick in the book and duped you into breeding more kids. And now she is getting tattoos and skanking around town with some other skanky chick. 

This isn't about her anger about you getting involved with another woman during your separation and this is not a mid-life crisis. This is just good ol' fashioned low character and bad behavior. 

She is hooking up with other guys and running around town having fun like a party girl. 

Her animosity towards you has nothing to do with your earlier escapes. That animosity and contempt she is showing you is a classic sign that she is cheating. That animosity is because you are holding her back from having all the fun she wants and it is resentment that she is married and has children and family responsibilities that are keeping her from partying every night and screwing every guy she wants. 

She is not wife and mother material. Your mistake in all of this was getting involved with and marrying her in the first place. Your second mistake was not following through on leaving her for good when you separated. 

This is on her, not on you.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

B,

She's cheating.

6 kids :surprise:

Your child support/alimony payments will be approaching Terrell Owens territory. I hope you really like Ramon and pork and beans... I see a lot of it in your future.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

RWB said:


> B,
> 
> She's cheating.
> 
> ...


It's Rahmen.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

RWB said:


> B,
> 
> She's cheating.
> 
> ...


Only half are his. The other three belong to her two ex-husbands.


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## Jus260 (Mar 24, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> You’re _both_ kinda dirtbags, dude.
> 
> Oh, and she’s cheating now, BTW.



Gus, from the corner, for three.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

Beard said:


> My wife and I have been married for 10 years. Admittedly when we got married I was not ready to marry her but I caved to her continuous pressure. I did love her and she was pregnant with our first child so I felt somewhat obligated. She also had 3 children from 2 previous marriages which deepened my feelings of obligation. I had never been married nor did I have any children.
> 
> In the first 6 years of marriage I wasn't 100% committed and continually thought about leaving but had 3 children together during that time. The first 2 children we had together she stopped taking birth to control but didn't tell me which only added to my confusion. The 3rd was just an accident all the way around. Nevertheless I felt somewhat used and trapped but it deepened my internal conflict as I felt I needed to do "right by her" and all these innocent children that would be impacted by another divorce in her life.
> 
> ...


dear beard, I decided to response because most of the answers got out of focus. I wont bash your wife because I don't know her side of the whole story.
just because she has many children and two failed marriages doesn't mean she is not right. 

fact is (because you wrote so) that you cheated and you felt not committed in your marriage. I absolutely can relate how your wife felt all these years. cheating leaves damage, not fixable. you can forgive and try somewhat like moving on, but will never forget and there will be always some kind of reminders that hits in full force , and this HURTS! this hurt and pain will always remain, no matter how many years went by. yes, you can live with it and you will have good days. but that doesn't mean you're healed. there will be always be doubts and mistrust. dwelling for years and there CAN come a point where the spouse just can't take it anymore. and yes, a new friend or new situation can be enough to pull this trigger. you actually lost her when you cheated. don't put the blame on your wife. try to encourage her to read the book the five love languages together. also go back to counseling. I believe, you quit the counseling too quickly. good luck.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

NextTimeAround said:


> It's Rahmen.


NTA, 

Are you sure? :grin2:


https://ucarecdn.com/bbd451dd-6ad8-4edf-8916-425f55858f90/-/format/auto/


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

RWB said:


> NTA,
> 
> Are you sure? :grin2:
> 
> ...



hmmmmmm...... that's the Canadian version, I'm sure of it.......


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