# Is it "normal" natural for some men to look at adult entertainment?



## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

First off i want to start by saying we have been married 3 years and have a 2 year old together plus i have two kids from a previous marriage.

We have a good relationship, we both love each other incredibly much, have respect for each other, etc.

We also have a very active sex life, almost every day maybe some weeks every other day. Even some lunch time sex some days.

However, i have discovered my husband watches pornography often. Maybe every other day. It's nothing weird but most of the stuff he watches is "teen" etc.

I discovered this b/c he had me look something up on his phone one day b/c my phone wasn't working and i went back in the history to find the product i had searched and instead found he was looking at porn a few hours earlier AT WORK WHILE HE WOULD HAVE BEEN AT WORK.

I'm not really mad about it but i guess i don't understand the male species. If you have a really active sex life why do you need to be looking at porn esp when you are at work. His job does have some down time and i'm sure he gets bored...but am i not fulfilling something he wants?

I am very open to all kinds of things in the bedroom so i don't understand what else he needs?

I feel weird around him now...i can't picture my husband doing this, i know it sounds silly. 

I would really like a guys perspective on this. are any of you happily married and do this? Thank you!


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

I suspect it has nothing to do with you.

Men, generally, are more visual, and have WAY more testosterone than women.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

It isn't a slam on you especially since he is still giving you very regular lovin.

He has probably been watching porn for years and it's a habit.

I'm not giving men a pass because of gender.


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

OnTheFly said:


> I suspect it has nothing to do with you.
> 
> Men, generally, are more visual, and have WAY more testosterone than women.


THANK YOU, it's hard not to think it's you. I have asked him about it and he says it just a thing guys do. It still sucks


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> It isn't a slam on you especially since he is still giving you very regular lovin.
> 
> He has probably been watching porn for years and it's a habit.
> 
> I'm not giving men a pass because of gender.


Thank you, he has been doing it for years. He was single when i met him and i remember seeing movies under his bed when i was at his house one time. He threw them away but i just chalked it up to he was a single bachelor. Now that we are happily married/active sex life i guess i just don't get it. Like does he just like seeing other naked girls besides me? or it's just simply a habbit.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Humans are creatures of habit, and watching porn along with self pleasure is a rather difficult habit/routine to stop. 

Men also tend to have unrealistic ideas that once in a relationship that there will no longer be any desire or need to masturbate. That rarely works out to be true and sometimes men struggle to understand themselves as to why they would still desire self pleasure when a spouse might be ready and willing. This can lead to all sorts of shame and guilt.

I'll share an idea with you. Everyone needs personal space emotionally. You get too close to someone and things get unstable. You give each other a little space and the distance tends to create desire to be closer. 

Imagine being home alone? Say your husband and kids are gone for the whole day and you have the house to yourself and no one bothering you for stuff. Would you enjoy that every once and a while? Just to have time for yourself and do whatever you wanted. Probably so. I'm not saying you would go straight to watching porn and pleasuring yourself, but it would be nice to focus on yourself for the day. Read a book. Whatever. 

Sex can be the same way. Sometimes it is just nice to focus on yourself without the dynamics of a partner being present. Sometimes when you focus on just yourself it can make you miss being with your other half and create a strong desire to be back together. Sometimes it is enjoyable to feel that desire.

I'm kinda rambling. Porn for all practical purposes is just a sexual stimulant that helps make self pleasure more exciting. Perhaps similar to someone reading erotic stories. It can create problems, but you have to be careful before insisting that it is one. 

My advice. Encourage your husband to enjoy his time alone. Give him something to think about. Perhaps go so far as to pick out the porn for him to watch. Or at a minimum have a discussion about what bothers you about some types of porn so that he can be mindful about that and try to be respectful. 

My wife equates porn to prostitution and thinks that having sex with someone should not be made into a business for profit. That disgusts her. Meanwhile photos of women modeling lingerie or reading erotic stories are much less offensive. I actually appreciated her sharing that with me and I tend to agree. 

Hope that helps,
Badsanta


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

badsanta said:


> Humans are creatures of habit, and watching porn along with self pleasure is a rather difficult habit/routine to stop.
> 
> Men also tend to have unrealistic ideas that once in a relationship that there will no longer be any desire or need to masturbate. That rarely works out to be true and sometimes men struggle to understand themselves as to why they would still desire self pleasure when a spouse might be ready and willing. This can lead to all sorts of shame and guilt.
> 
> ...


Thank you this does help. The only part i'm afraid of is my body/my looks aren't enough for him so he has to look at other women to get attracted to me. Like what if he is thinking of these women when we are together intimately. I don't know...this kind of stuff just confuses me. I know it is just a thing lots of men do from a young age and is hard to break but i'm afraid he is comparing me to this women


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Ask your husband to recommend some porn that features some really large penises because you would enjoy looking at them. Watch his face.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

coolmama11 said:


> Thank you this does help. The only part i'm afraid of is my body/my looks aren't enough for him so he has to look at other women to get attracted to me. Like what if he is thinking of these women when we are together intimately. I don't know...this kind of stuff just confuses me. I know it is just a thing lots of men do from a young age and is hard to break but i'm afraid he is comparing me to this women


Feeling that way is completely natural. It is common for people to fantasize about other people. I'd probably be safe in assuming that at some time or another that you have fantasized about someone else. 

My wife likes those Marvel movies. Particularly the ones with Thor in it. Do I let that bother me? No, I think it is kind of funny actually. Sometimes I'll go so far as to make fun of Thor when I am being playful with my wife and ask her if she knows where my hammer is! 

Now would my wife want me to have a body like Thor? Absolutely she would, but I am NOT a Marvel Comic Character and nor do I ever intend to be. I am happy with myself and that is what really matters to my wife. 

Reverse roles and the same is true for your husband. He does not expect you to be a porn star with a perfect body. If anything porn probably makes him feel like his body is not good enough for you (have you seen the men in porn?) He mostly wants someone that accepts him for all his imperfections, makes him feel loved and enjoys sharing sexual pleasure together with confidence.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

coolmama11 said:


> Thank you, he has been doing it for years. He was single when i met him and i remember seeing movies under his bed when i was at his house one time. He threw them away but i just chalked it up to he was a single bachelor. Now that we are happily married/active sex life i guess i just don't get it. Like does he just like seeing other naked girls besides me? or it's just simply a habbit.


My money is on it being a habit.


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> My money is on it being a habit.


Thanks for the input! Ya, i mean just for reference too i'm not a huge woman. I'm 5'2" around 140ish pounds (yes, i could lose a few but i've had 3 babies!), i take care of myself, i do my hair/makeup everyday and try to dress nice. I don't see why he would need more to look at then me but i guess guys like variety!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

coolmama11 said:


> i guess guys like variety!


In my opinion I think it is mostly "novelty" that people like. 

Sometimes porn can even be a source of novel ideas for how to spice things up in a marriage. My wife's favorite porn site is Zillow. She will show me photos of a bathroom she likes and make me role play as if I am going to remodel the house for her. ....wait a minute, perhaps that is not role play, what if she is being for real? That might explain a few things.....


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

badsanta said:


> In my opinion I think it is mostly "novelty" that people like.
> 
> Sometimes porn can even be a source of novel ideas for how to spice things up in a marriage. *My wife's favorite porn site is Zillow.* She will show me photos of a bathroom she likes and make me role play as if I am going to remodel the house for her. ....wait a minute, perhaps that is not role play, what if she is being for real? That might explain a few things.....


lol, ya got me!


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

badsanta said:


> In my opinion I think it is mostly "novelty" that people like.
> 
> Sometimes porn can even be a source of novel ideas for how to spice things up in a marriage. My wife's favorite porn site is Zillow. She will show me photos of a bathroom she likes and make me role play as if I am going to remodel the house for her. ....wait a minute, perhaps that is not role play, what if she is being for real? That might explain a few things.....


😄


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

coolmama11 said:


> First off i want to start by saying we have been married 3 years and have a 2 year old together plus i have two kids from a previous marriage.
> 
> *We have a good relationship, we both love each other incredibly much, have respect for each other, etc.
> 
> ...


I have conflicting reactions to this. 

On one hand if the bolded part hasn't changed, I don't think porn is necessarily a problem. It hasn't replaced you and he still finds you attractive. He masturbated at work when he was bored so he wasn't even taking time away from you at the time (or work really if it was really downtime).

On the other hand if you are having sex all the time, why the porn? It is a question you could discuss with him. Actually, several of the questions here are worth asking though you may need to be careful not to be judgmental in how you ask them if you want real answers. Asking if there are things he'd like to try but hasn't gotten the courage up to ask or whatever. Does he want to have sex twice a day instead of every day? Is he sometimes pessimistic about whether he would be turned down?


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

Hiner112 said:


> I have conflicting reactions to this.
> 
> On one hand if the bolded part hasn't changed, I don't think porn is necessarily a problem. It hasn't replaced you and he still finds you attractive. He masturbated at work when he was bored so he wasn't even taking time away from you at the time (or work really if it was really downtime).
> 
> On the other hand if you are having sex all the time, why the porn? It is a question you could discuss with him. Actually, several of the questions here are worth asking though you may need to be careful not to be judgmental in how you ask them if you want real answers. Asking if there are things he'd like to try but hasn't gotten the courage up to ask or whatever. Does he want to have sex twice a day instead of every day? Is he sometimes pessimistic about whether he would be turned down?


See this is why i want guys opinions, i have no idea...is it normal for happily married men w/ good sex lives to do this or is there something wrong with me? that is what is bugging me


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

coolmama11 said:


> See this is why i want guys opinions, i have no idea...is it normal for happily married men w/ good sex lives to do this or is there something wrong with me? that is what is bugging me


Some general background. Males generally start masturbating roughly 5 minutes after it becomes physically possible and stop when it becomes impossible. Its stress relief and boredom antidote. The volume or frequency might vary between people and over time but in the vast majority of cases it isn't completely absent or very important. I would be surprised if your husband thought it was important enough to bring up to you any more than any other time he spends 5 minutes in the bathroom.

It is completely reasonable that his thought process was something like: "I'm bored. I'm at work without Cool Mama. _goes to bathroom_ Image Search: 'MILF' since she is and I don't have naughty pictures of her on my phone. _5 minutes later_ Well now what do I do with the rest of the downtime?"

I think everyone can agree that if it starts breeding discontent or replaces intimacy with you, then it becomes a problem. Whether it is a problem in the absence of those two things is up to the two of you.

It is completely reasonable for you to say that your husband looking at porn makes you feel self conscious or insecure and you need reassurance or for him to stop. Or you could make it more of a couple activity. Ask each other what kinds of things you're curious about and seek them out together. If you do ask him not to masturbate without you, I would expect him to be a bit more insistent in the bedroom more often.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

coolmama11 said:


> See this is why i want guys opinions, i have no idea...is it normal for happily married men w/ good sex lives to do this or is there something wrong with me? that is what is bugging me


It's normal. It's also not unusual for his wife to not like it.

So your husband isn't abnormal, and you are not abnormal. Does that knowledge help in any way? Are comparisons to the rest of the world going to change your mind? I don't know if you husband still finds you sexy and attractive - but this is not an indicator that he doesn't.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I’m a happily married man with a hot wife and a good sex life. Yes I watch porn. I think most women get a hang up that it has something to do with them not being good enough. With all our testosterone it’s just that ... we like sex! I have never once in my life had fantasies about having sex with one of those sluts..... it’s just food for the sexual part of our brain and nothing more.

The flip side: Some people can take it way too far and confuse porn for real human sexuality, but this doesn’t sound like the case for you two love bunnies.

Make a game out of it.... ask him about it. It’s best if y’all keep it out in the open.

I will close with: Never believe it has something to do with your own personal inadequate sex life ... because it sounds like your doing just fine


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## 241happyhour (Jan 31, 2011)

coolmama11 said:


> See this is why i want guys opinions, i have no idea...is it normal for happily married men w/ good sex lives to do this or is there something wrong with me? that is what is bugging me


My wife and I have sex 4-5 times a week so kind of like y’all. I look at porn daily. We have been married almost 20 great years. She knows I watch porn and to this day she has never said anything about it. She might not like it but she knows we have an awesome relationship and doesn’t feel threatened. He could be married to Mrs. Universe and I would bet he would still watch it. 


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

@coolmama11 Every man looks at porn, period. Any man who says he doesn't is either lying, asexual, or really wants to but he is denying himself for religious reasons and hates himself. Porn has been around for literally thousands of years--ancient civilizations had pornographic art, they just don't teach you about it in school. 

It sounds like you and your hubby have a healthy relationship and a healthy sex life, so you don't have anything to worry about. If he had a porn addiction, was avoiding physical and emotional intimacy with you, and was using porn and masturbation as a substitute intimacy (and to avoid connecting with you), THEN you would have a problem. And I doubt that is going to happen with you.

(As an aside, regarding the "teen" porn, since you did mention it. This "barely legal" genre of porn is really popular. I get it, even as porn-positive as I am, I still find it to be a little skeevy. But I think it's the "barely legal" taboo and the idea of illicitness that is appealing, that these girls are very, very naughty... remember that a lot of men have the emotional maturity of teen boys, and this likely feeds into a lot of their subconscious desires that go back to when they were first going through puberty. My point is, don't worry about it. Men like watching young women in porn, but in real life they prefer mature women when it comes to actual sex.)

Your husband's consumption of porn has LITERALLY nothing to do with you, or how attracted he is to you. I can guarantee you that they are in completely separate compartments inside his brain, the same way that "masturbation to clean the pipes and to clear my brain" is in a completely different compartment of his brain than "making love with my beautiful wife and bonding via physical intimacy." Yes, I'm sure that he finds some (perhaps all? or maybe not) of the women in the porn attractive, but that doesn't detract from him finding you attractive. You don't get married and suddenly find NO ONE IN THE WORLD BUT YOUR SPOUSE attractive. That doesn't happen. Think of a non-porn film with a hot sex scene with an actor whom you think is attractive. Turns you on and makes you want to jump your hubby's bones, right? 

Porn can basically do the same thing, but it's just more graphic. Personally, I think watching porn with a partner can be a turn-on, but it really depends on the other person's level of comfort with it. You could try going that route to become more comfortable with this knowledge, but I don't see that working for you. Since you are only now learning of this, your hubby has done a pretty good job of keeping you from knowing about this. He may not _want_ you to know, because it's something he wants to keep to himself, and which he wouldn't be comfortable sharing with you; or he may be keeping this from you because he knows it would bother you and he is trying to protect you. (He also might be experiencing some shame... shame is a big thing in US culture, when it comes to sexuality. It's quite sad, really.)

In a lot of marriages, the husband pretends that he doesn't watch porn, and the wife pretends that she doesn't know that her husband watches porn; some of them have never even spoken about it, and some have had a discussion and agreed that this is the way they will handle it. So, if you want to talk to him about it, I think that's ok, but be very clear with yourself and him about WHY you're talking about it. Or you can just turn a blind eye to the whole thing.

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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

In furtherance of FIP post above:

If you do speak with him... make sure you speak WITH him and not AT him.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Mr.Married said:


> In furtherance of FIP post above:
> 
> If you do speak with him... make sure you speak WITH him and not AT him.


YES, THIS.

OP, if you choose to talk with him about this, maybe bounce some ideas off us here first.

Also, he prepared that he may not want to talk about it, and be prepared to respect that.

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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I think it’s immoral, immature and disgusting and more so if he’s watching teens- these poor teenage girls are likely victims of sexual abuse and sex trafficking). So sad... men today need to grow up- every perversion isn’t meant to be glorified or explored... as we’ve seen with Epstein and Weinstein- clearly two evil and powerful creeps who actually believe women and children are merely objects for exploitation and their nasty sexual desires.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

CatholicDad said:


> I think it’s immoral, immature and disgusting and more so if he’s watching teens- these poor teenage girls are likely victims of sexual abuse and sex trafficking). So sad... men today need to grow up- every perversion isn’t meant to be glorified or explored... as we’ve seen with Epstein and Weinstein- clearly two evil and powerful creeps who actually believe women and children are merely objects for exploitation and their nasty sexual desires.


While I agree with you, you have to be careful in a marriage about using shame and guilt to motivate change. 

Porn freaking thrives on shame and guilt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Are shame and guilt forms of love? Did Jesus use shame and guilt towards prostitutes? 









How Jesus loved the adulteress and the prostitute


Did Jesus love the adulteress and the prostitute? Absolutely. There are two remarkable stories showing how Jesus cared for all types of people.




www.christiantoday.com.au


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

coolmama11 said:


> First off i want to start by saying we have been married 3 years and have a 2 year old together plus i have two kids from a previous marriage.
> 
> We have a good relationship, we both love each other incredibly much, have respect for each other, etc.
> 
> ...


Here is my input.

Find out what kind of sex scenes he is watching and emulate that during your sex sessions with him.

Offer to watch porn with him. That way you both can reap the benefits from doing so. He may not need to watch porn at work if he gets to freely watch it with you.


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## Deguello (Apr 3, 2015)

coolmama11 said:


> First off i want to start by saying we have been married 3 years and have a 2 year old together plus i have two kids from a previous marriage.
> 
> We have a good relationship, we both love each other incredibly much, have respect for each other, etc.
> 
> ...


As a recovering porn addict.( I did say addict ) my w saw looking a porn was "cheating" and there are several sides to this. She says she "forgives me"but it comes out every time she is angry with me. took me a while to get it under control. This all happened a decade ago. She still finds excuses not to have sex with me,she is very vanilla. I feel like I live in a monastery, I never wanted to be Monk.I asked her yesterday "would like to go into the bedroom and fool around"? I expected a yes or a no,all she did was giggle and did not say a word I was hurt,felt rejected depressed and lastly angry.
Was I out of line? Feed back please,move if needed


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

You’re probably right Badsanta. After wading through the usual “porn is natural, porn is good” posts I tend to come on a little strong. I’m as guilty as anyone except that I no longer persist or participate in spreading the lie of porn.

I agree that it’s pretty natural for all men to fall into porn at some time... but if you love our Lord and want to follow him you fight your way out of it. Jesus was also clear in his command to the prostitute to “sin no more”.

My hope is that wives will forgive their husbands and be patient and help their husbands overcome porn.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

CatholicDad said:


> My hope is that wives will forgive their husbands and be patient and help their husbands overcome porn.


Amen to that!


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## Parallax857 (May 15, 2012)

There are as many views as porn as there are on sex, and therefore as many as there are people. Had a GF once who didn't mind porn and just preferred we watch it together. Other people feel that it's a form of adultery. I don't know that there's a right or wrong answer except that I've no doubt there's a tremendous amount of exploitation in that world. So I think paying for it is definitely immoral. Watching for free is probably less than ideal but I can't say I've never done it. It's hard to resist. It's right there, anytime. I've notice I'm more likely to feel the urge when my wife and I are feeling less close and intimate, so at least for me there's an emotional component. 

I've told her about it. She's been very forgiving though she feels more strongly for me that it's not healthy. She's made clear that she'd rather we made love and that she would make herself more available if I needed more sex. She's a very kind and special person. I adore her and find her attractive. And still there are times I feel a strong pull (no pun intended) toward porn. Perhaps it's an addiction. Perhaps it's just a part of being male and feeling a need for variety. In this form, it's reasonably harmless. But I'd love to get to a place where the only pull is toward my wife.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Watching porn is a decision and the person who said that all men watch it unless they are gay, asexual or whatever is totally and completely wrong. Loads of men don't, including my husband who is a very normal hetro-sexual and happy male. 
If he knows that you don't like it and still does it then that says a lot about him. Its not about you its about him and there is nothing lacking in you. Personally I wouldn't be married to a man who did this and wouldn't stop, its completely disrespectful and isn't 'forsaking all others'. You should tell him you are very unhappy about this, especially the fat that he lusts over teenage girls.


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