# How do you stop snooping?



## lotsoflove (Jun 11, 2012)

So, I feel like it is a pretty common thing here for people to snoop when trust has been broken and so is the case with me. 

About 5 years ago I found out that my SO had asked an ex to send him naked pics. He told me he immediately regretted it, knew it was wrong and apologized. I felt he was so trustworthy, so I was really hurt and I started snooping to try and find things. 

I feel horrible when I do it, it's wrong. Not that it makes it any better, but I admit to him that I do it. I have asked if we could exchange passwords, but he says no and that he has a right to privacy. And of course he does. And to be fair, I can access everything through his phone and he doesn't lock it so it seems if he did want to hide something he would lock it. 

Recently he sent some texts back and forth with a friend that hurt my feelings and seemed to me inappropriate. I came on here for advice and consensus was that it's just guy talk. No harm no foul. 

I was pretty upset and he told me it is kind of a grey area. So tonight I told him that I hope we can agree that joking about cheating on me is no longer a grey area because it hurts me and he said yes. 

I plan on getting IC and am in the process of finding a counselor because it is hard for me to let things go and I can be quite sensitive. Lack of trust, though a huge issue, is the sole contributing factor to any source of contention in our relationship. So I simply need to move forward and be happy with NO SNOOPING. At the end of the day, I don't think he will cheat on me and I know that nothing I could do could stop him from cheating if he really wanted to. 

Anyone else who wanted to stop snooping? What did you do?


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Hmmm I stopped snooping when I stopped caring. Oh well. I just got tired of my husband's crap and I don't rile myself up that way.

As for your hubby, I wonder why he would think he has a "right to privacy" as far as his email goes. To me, if you have nothing to hide, why hide it??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lotsoflove (Jun 11, 2012)

I am not sure what it is so important to him to have his privacy as far as passwords. But, his email is synced with his phone so I can access his email anyways. 

I guess the point where I am at is I do care. I want to move forward and don't think we can if I am always looking for something wrong. At the end of the day, having passwords wont stop someone from cheating and not having his passwords is not a deal breaker for me. 

So I need to move forward.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> I have asked if we could exchange passwords, but he says no and that he has a right to privacy.


Nah, he really doesn't. Why does a married guy need privacy for? He has deep secrets he doesn't share with you? He is a CIA agent? An Al-qaeda sleeper cell?

Regarding texts to a male friend. Unless he is confessing that he banged the neighbor next door or something don't worry. Men talk **** to each other all day long. It's part of male bonding and it is quite usual. Be worried when he stops talking big to his buddies. That may mean something REAL is going on. 

Plus, those conversations were not meant to hurt you. You were not supposed to see them. But he did say "yes" so, there isn't a problem as i see it.

If you want to see this in action, just look at what happens when a pretty girl passes by a construction site full of guys. What they say, their looks and foolish banter. And not one of them really means it.


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

When we were going through some issues there was no hard evidence that she was cheating but there were some red flags. I asked her and she said she wasn't but I had to be sure. So I snooped in almost every way you can except for her phone (I could see who she called/texted by the bill) or a VAR. I gave it 3 months and if I found nothing, then I would stop.

I did see some FB conversations that hurt my feelings (conversations with a female friend) and a couple of other things but no sign of infidelity either EA or PA. 

I regret the fact that I felt I had to resort to that but I do not regret fighting for the marriage with a full arsenal. I have stopped now for a couple of months and I am much more at peace. It can become an obsession especially when you have tools that let you see what someone else is doing behind what they think are closed doors (metaphorically speaking, I didn't hide a camera or anything).

So once you establish that nothing is going on then you just have to trust them and let it go.


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## lotsoflove (Jun 11, 2012)

costa200 said:


> Nah, he really doesn't. Why does a married guy need privacy for? He has deep secrets he doesn't share with you? He is a CIA agent? An Al-qaeda sleeper cell?
> 
> Regarding texts to a male friend. Unless he is confessing that he banged the neighbor next door or something don't worry. Men talk **** to each other all day long. It's part of male bonding and it is quite usual. Be worried when he stops talking big to his buddies. That may mean something REAL is going on.
> 
> ...


Thanks for responding. I can see what you are saying about privacy. I have searched the forums and seen a few different viewpoints. I am willing to share everything, but I don't want to push the issue. 

I have seen his phone a number of times and can access email there, if he really wanted to hide it, his phone would be locked, no? 

And, I just have to keep telling myself that even if I had passwords, if he were really going to cheat, that will not stop him. He could get new email accounts and new phone etc. (I don't think he would, but obviously people resort to that). 

So snooping is only going to perpetuate my distrust and make me feel like crap. I want to stop.

I agree, he said "yes" and agreed that this particular type of thing will no longer be a grey area and that does make me feel better. 

I just have this bad habit and I want to break it.


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## lotsoflove (Jun 11, 2012)

Paulination said:


> When we were going through some issues there was no hard evidence that she was cheating but there were some red flags. I asked her and she said she wasn't but I had to be sure. So I snooped in almost every way you can except for her phone (I could see who she called/texted by the bill) or a VAR. I gave it 3 months and if I found nothing, then I would stop.
> 
> I did see some FB conversations that hurt my feelings (conversations with a female friend) and a couple of other things but no sign of infidelity either EA or PA.
> 
> ...


Thanks. I am glad you found nothing and feel more at peace. That nasty gut feeling is the worst. I too have snooped (obviously) and have found things that hurt my feelings but nothing to indicate EA or PA so I know I need to let it go for my sanity and his! 

I was thinking about getting a journal. That way I can hold myself accountable. Writing in it every day means I will have to slow down and think about what I am doing. I think maybe at the end of a day, when I don't snoop, I can be happy that I didn't and then hopefully like you will find peace and not have the urge.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

The idea of you keeping surveillance is to help you trust and feel better. If it is actually doing the opposite then just stand down to DEFCON 4...


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## lotsoflove (Jun 11, 2012)

costa200 said:


> The idea of you keeping surveillance is to help you trust and feel better. If it is actually doing the opposite then just stand down to DEFCON 4...


Ha ha, well put. DEFCON 2-3 is definitely not working out!!


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