# more confusion



## MySide (Nov 11, 2016)

I'm not sure if this is under the right topic, it might belong somewhere else. 

A few years ago my husband cheated on me. Then, a year later there was more looking on craigslist, and then emailing another woman (who turned out to be a spam email which I knew straight away it was). Then there was the ad he posted for a threesome because he got it in his head that I wanted one. He still doesn't understand why I'm angry about that one. Then there was going to strip clubs and wasting money there when he knew I already have extremely low self esteem about myself right now. That was last october. He hasn't cheated again as far as I know. I need someone to tell me what to think about this latest thing because I truly don't know what to think anymore. Maybe there's nothing wrong with it and I'm overreacting.

We haven't had the greatest sex life for years, which is both of our faults. He literally never touches me at all until he wants sex. If he pats my butt of touches my arm or gives me a hug I know instantly that he wants sex. That is the only time he touches me. I've told him countless times that I need touching and kissing other than for sex. I don't feel close to him and don't want to have sex with him because I don't feel loved. I need non sex touch to feel loved. He doesn't seem to care. Or understand maybe. I don't initiate sex because I don't feel loved or wanted by him and I just don't think about sex. He doesn't initiate because he wants me to initiate all the time. I know when he touches me that he can't stand it anymore. It just makes me feel used. Theres more to it than that. Hes said some pretty harsh things about me and our sex life before that I'm still struggling to get over. It was harsh and untrue and lowered my self esteem even more. I dread sex with him now. 

So, we went on vacation and I decided to try one more time to be the one to initiate ( I had done a few times in the past and he still never ends up giving me the touch I crave). I hoped that if I made the first move again it would get better. I'll be honest, our sex life sucks. It's not often, maybe 2-3 times a month on a good month. I initiated it three times on vacation. I would have tried for more, but we were traveling with the kids and his parents and staying at his brothers houses so it was hard to be alone. To his credit, he did give me a little touch on the back once or twice and hold my hand once. Of course, the hand holding was just an excuse to try to get in my pants since it ended up in my crotch. Anyway.... I thought it was going good. Then there was a little issue that came up. He got a text from a weird number that just said "hi". We thought it was a wrong number, I've gotten those before. I looked it up, it was a new jersey number. Then he said that on a business trip a year ago he was at a club with his coworker and he was playing pool and had his phone on a stool next to him. He was playing and looked over and one of the dancers, who was fully dressed that night, had his phone and was doing something. Apparently she called her phone with his to get his number. Ok. He hasn't been on a business trip since then. The incident with him spending money at a full nude strip club was after that. Do I just let that go? It's weird that she would text him out of the blue a year later. But I can't find that number in his phone records for the last couple months and I can't go back that far either. Let it go?

Also, I mentioned I had been trying to be more intimate with him , hoping that he would want me instead of looking elsewhere. I've been trying to loose weight as well. He continually looks at porn. I don't like it at all, it makes me feel even worse about myself. I can somewhat understand it though with our lack of a sex life. I don't like it, but I don't say anything about it. We get back from our vacation. We usually shower together on saturday nights unless we're agruing. He didn't want to shower with me the saturday we got back. Ok, whatever. Then I looked at his history (yes, he's aware that I do this occasionally) and saw that he had been searching awesome cleavage and nipples hanging out videos and pictures while I was showering. So, looking at porn instead of showering with me. And then looking at porn then next day when I was grocery shopping and he was supposed to be at work working. He has not touched me since we started heading home from vacation. I don't know what to think of that.

It's hard to even try to initiate sex with him. Our kids are young and spoiled and won't fall asleep alone. He puts our son to bed and I our daughter. But then he won't come in under 11pm, 12am, sometimes the whole night will be spent on our son's floor because he fell asleep watching porn or youtube. I can't stay up that late anymore, I'm falling asleep at 9. I've tried a few night sto stay up and wait for him but he never comes in.

And a few weeks ago he went to a poker game his coworker was having, he has one every year. He went. He didn't get home until almost 2am. Whatever, I figured he was late because he had had some alcohol because he won't drive until he's positive he can drive without it affecting him 100%. But I checked the next day and it showed him leaving the game before 10 and then driving to the bar/club he's been to a few times here before (no strippers). But according to him he was at the game ( and had a couple drinks) until almost 2. So, he lied. 

I just don't know what to think anymore. Am I being stupid? Should I just let this go or say something?


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

MySide said:


> Then he said that on a business trip a year ago he was at a club with his coworker and he was playing pool and had his phone on a stool next to him. He was playing and looked over and one of the dancers, who was fully dressed that night, had his phone and was doing something. Apparently she called her phone with his to get his number.


This is a bald-faced lie on his part.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

MySide said:


> . I need someone to tell me what to think about this latest thing because I truly don't know what to think anymore. Maybe there's nothing wrong with it and I'm overreacting.
> 
> Hes said some pretty harsh things about me and our sex life before that I'm still struggling to get over. It was harsh and untrue and lowered my self esteem even more. I dread sex with him now.
> 
> ...


I'll give you my opinion on what you should think. You should think that you are married to a LOSER and a LOUSE.

I'll also give you my opinion on whether you're stupid. My opinion is no, you are not stupid. It is not stupid to give your marriage every possible chance to "work", and it is not stupid to allow "benefit of the doubt".... however, this person does not deserve any benefit of doubt. From his history, in my mind, he is guilty until proven innocent.

And, no, you should not "just let this go"....although whether you "say something" or not won't matter. It won't change him, it won't change your situation. In order to change your life, you are going to have to DO something.

Start with a lawyer. Don't try to "fix" him. Just waste his concupiscent ass like a used kleenex.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

My opinion is that right now you simply don't have enough data with which to determine if your husband is fooling around on the side or not. You need more.

There are ways to gather intel and evidence. Here on TAM there is the "Evidence Gathering" thread that has lots of good pointers and methods to find out information. Read that and be discreet and so some sleuthing.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Stop letting this loser or what ever he is
disrespect you. You want and deserve better
From you post he is not going to change and
probably never will.

I agree with everything TJW said!!

You are not the problem he is. 
Dump him you will find better.
He will not but you will.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Sorry. Your husband is a liar and a loser. I don't know what to tell you except to try to make the best of it or get divorced.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I stopped reading once you said the stripper took his phone.

I think strippers get enough offers and opportunities that they don't need to steal men's phones so they can get their number to call them later. 

Is your H Adam Lavine or Channing Tatum or some other hot, Hollywood movie star and millionaire that a gal that dances naked and gives BJs in the parking lot would need to snatch his phone (no pun intended) to get his number?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

The fact that he was looking at porn in your sons bedroom after he put him to bed would be more than enough for me to end this marriage to this awful man. A lady I used to know made sure that her husband was never allowed to see his children unsupervised again after she caught him looking at porn with their children in the same room. The judge agreed. 

He lies, cheats and watches porn and yet you are still with him and even had 2 children with him. I have no idea why you have put up with this awful behaviour, you surely cant believe a thing he says.


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## MySide (Nov 11, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> The fact that he was looking at porn in your sons bedroom after he put him to bed would be more than enough for me to end this marriage to this awful man. A lady I used to know made sure that her husband was never allowed to see his children unsupervised again after she caught him looking at porn with their children in the same room. The judge agreed.


It's not hard porn when he's with the kids. It's just stuff you can find on youtube. Scantily clad women and stuff like that, not naked women or people going at it. I just call it porn. The real porn is when he's alone or in the bathroom. I don't think he'd ever watch real porn with the kids around. He's a good dad. I've never seen anything real bad when he's with the kids. He's a horrible husband, but he's a great dad.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MySide said:


> It's not hard porn when he's with the kids. It's just stuff you can find on youtube. Scantily clad women and stuff like that, not naked women or people going at it. I just call it porn. The real porn is when he's alone or in the bathroom. I don't think he'd ever watch real porn with the kids around. He's a good dad. I've never seen anything real bad when he's with the kids. He's a horrible husband, but he's a great dad.


Its still porn.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

With some men if they have good intentions of touching their woman in a non-sexual way their penis shouts: "Yippee! Me, too, please!"

However, with adverts for sex and affairs your husband is not the best husband he could be. Not by a long shot.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Most of your husbands issues are listed in "married man sex life primer" - Athol
Unfortunately, its impossible to make someone else change.

You can buy on of those books, and give it to him... and tell him he needs to read it. 


He is clearly watching too much porn (and im pretty sure its listed as something to 'stop' in the book above) - In his mind, sex with you might be too difficult a task (too much work) and its just easier to search for porn.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Also, him looking outside of your marriage for real sex is a major red flag and something you need to decide if its something you can live with.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MySide said:


> We haven't had the greatest sex life for years, which is both of our faults. * He literally never touches me at all until he wants sex. If he pats my butt of touches my arm or gives me a hug I know instantly that he wants sex. That is the only time he touches me. * I've told him countless times that I need touching and kissing other than for sex. I don't feel close to him and don't want to have sex with him because I don't feel loved.


The statement of yours [above] is one of the most important things a man can learn from.
Learn not to do. 

This is a common mistake men make. When men want sex, they start touching, caressing, and rubbing.
OK, fair enough, not a problem. Men need to let women know they are randy 'somehow'.

But, MySide has a point. Many women want holding and touching apart from sex. Not all women. 
Likely most.

It makes sense. No women wants to think her man looks at her 'only' as a piece of meat. 

This feeling that women have is exacerbated when tension is already in the marriage.

Especially, when a women does not generally feel appreciated. 
Especially, when resentment toward her man is felt, for any reason.

In all fairness, men are not women. When they are horny, they act horny. When they are not horny, they are busy doing 'other' male things.
This is one of those behaviors that upset many women. And it need not to.

Men need to learn this behaviorism that women often 'feel', often display.




TRQ-


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Would you have married him if you knew he'd do all this? Is this what you put your hand up for? 
Now you know. 
Imagine being with a loving and caring man. Life is short. Give yourself that option and leave him with his strippers and porn which seems to be where most of his attention goes.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

MySide said:


> Then he said that on a business trip a year ago he was at a club with his coworker and he was playing pool and had his phone on a stool next to him. He was playing and looked over and one of the dancers, who was fully dressed that night, had his phone and was doing something. Apparently she called her phone with his to get his number. Ok. He hasn't been on a business trip since then.


LOL. What a steaming pile of bull**** THAT story is. Yes, he's such a *hunk* of man-love that a complete stranger saw him from across the bar, HAD to have him, and somehow managed to get her hands on his phone, input her number, CALL herself from his phone, and a year later must still be yearning for him because 'out of the blue' she texted him.

Does this fool actually listen to himself when he talks? How do you not laugh right in his lying face when he's making up this garbage?



> It's hard to even try to initiate sex with him. Our kids are young and spoiled and won't fall asleep alone. He puts our son to bed and I our daughter. But then he won't come in under 11pm, 12am, sometimes the whole night will be spent on our son's floor because he fell asleep watching porn or youtube. I can't stay up that late anymore, I'm falling asleep at 9. I've tried a few night sto stay up and wait for him but he never comes in.


Honestly, you two put the 'fun' in dysfunction. How unappealing. This is just bad parenting - from BOTH of you - at it's finest. Stop with the nonsense of spoiling your kid and having to sleep in her room 'or she can't sleep.' What do you think you're acctually accomplishing with that? That's not good parenting at ALL. And that pig of a husband of yours in his son's room slobbering over porn while that kid sleeps actually makes me gag. 



> Am I being stupid?


Yes. Stupid AND naive.

About a *lot* of things, such as WHY on earth you stay with a perverted, *serial cheating* pig and worse, constantly whine about how this miscreant has no desire for you at all. I'm not even going to get into the nonsense attachment parenting precedent you two have set 'spoiling' your kids with having to sleep with them every night. So dysfunctional.

In either event, you should be *thanking your lucky stars* not to have to touch this loser. God only KNOWS what kind of STDs he's likely got.

Someone has to smarten up and start acting normal over there and it's not going to be your pervert husband so it's going to have to be *you*. Why on earth you stay with this serial cheater is beyond me, but I'm willing to bet it's because you're financially dependent on him or you're co-dependent. In either event, unless you change one of those variables, you'll continue to live in dysfunction with a pervert and be sleeping in your kid's rooms when they're 16. Ugh.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

MySide said:


> I'm not sure if this is under the right topic, it might belong somewhere else.
> 
> A few years ago my husband cheated on me. Then, a year later there was more looking on craigslist, and then emailing another woman (who turned out to be a spam email which I knew straight away it was). Then there was the ad he posted for a threesome because he got it in his head that I wanted one. He still doesn't understand why I'm angry about that one. Then there was going to strip clubs and wasting money there when he knew I already have extremely low self esteem about myself right now. That was last october. He hasn't cheated again as far as I know. I need someone to tell me what to think about this latest thing because I truly don't know what to think anymore. Maybe there's nothing wrong with it and I'm overreacting.
> 
> ...


*No! You're being used!

Provided you want to keep him, at a minimum, you two need a heart-to-heart "Come to Jesus Meeting!"*


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## MySide (Nov 11, 2016)

An update:

So, he's on a business trip. Plan landed and two hours later he was searching for "adult clubs near me" and "backpage". Then there's yesterdays mystery. AT hotel at 7, got to where he was supposed to be by 8am. Had lunch, drove back to the hotel after. Then nothing. On his google timeline there is missing time from 12:55 to 7:30p. He texted me at 4:48p saying he was back at the hotel and going to the pool and would call later. AT 4:51 he searched for "cuddlers near me", 4:55 searched for "escort service near me", 4:57 searched for "asian massage parlours near me". 5:17 used Maps-Nav and Transit. Then he called me at 7:09 after I had texted and said the kids were going to bed soon. What explains the missing info on the google timeline? Did he shut his phone off? Also, there is a $102.95 charge on the credit card for the hotel across from the one he was staying at????? That makes no sense. If he met up with someone why not bring them back to his hotel room that was already paid for? I know if I confront him with the searches he's just going to turn it around and say he was just testing me to see if I was checking up on him. I so wanted 100% proof before I said it's over. What if that weird charge was something completely innocent? I'm so confused right now. I know I'm stupid but please don't be mean to me. I've been with him for over 20 years. Three days ago we celebrated our 19 anniversary.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

MySide said:


> An update:
> 
> So, he's on a business trip. Plan landed and two hours later he was searching for "adult clubs near me" and "backpage". Then there's yesterdays mystery. AT hotel at 7, got to where he was supposed to be by 8am. Had lunch, drove back to the hotel after. Then nothing. On his google timeline there is missing time from 12:55 to 7:30p. He texted me at 4:48p saying he was back at the hotel and going to the pool and would call later. AT 4:51 he searched for "cuddlers near me", 4:55 searched for "escort service near me", 4:57 searched for "asian massage parlours near me". 5:17 used Maps-Nav and Transit. Then he called me at 7:09 after I had texted and said the kids were going to bed soon. What explains the missing info on the google timeline? Did he shut his phone off? Also, there is a $102.95 charge on the credit card for the hotel across from the one he was staying at????? That makes no sense. If he met up with someone why not bring them back to his hotel room that was already paid for? *I know if I confront him with the searches he's just going to turn it around and say he was just testing me to see if I was checking up on him*. I so wanted 100% proof before I said it's over. What if that weird charge was something completely innocent? I'm so confused right now. I know I'm stupid but please don't be mean to me. I've been with him for over 20 years. Three days ago we celebrated our 19 anniversary.


And he probably will and even if it was a test, no loving husband or person with integrity, let me repeat NO ONE with those traits would run a test like that, especially with his past.

Either he is really looking for those things, which is likely or he's being an insensitive A-Hole. Would be awesome if you did a search of 'lawyers near me' and sent him the screenshot to help him get the picture.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You're here telling us about this because he has hurt you so badly for so long. I know that your feelings of love and family have kept you in the marriage with some hope alive, but I think you would be doing the best for everyone if you stopped letting this man destroy your heart.

You have more than enough to be able to tell him that you won't be disrespected anymore. The man is a liar. You are married to a liar. And, no, he isn't a good father if he is so actively hurting his children's mother.

You will one day look back on this and count these years with him wasted years because you let yourself be disrespected. You need to respect yourself. Your children need you healthy and strong.

I know you've been married for a long time. I've been married for 35+ years, and if my H did what yours is doing, I would never tolerate it. Length of marriage isn't a reason to excuse such disgusting behavior.

He thinks it's OK to hurt you. Do you think it's OK?


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Please listen to alte Dame's post. This is exactly your situation. Many of us here were married for many years to the seemingly good husband/wife and father/mother. His actions have been the opposite of this. I promise you this man is not going to change without lots of outside help. Something tells me he will not get that help. How do I know this? Because he has been a disrespectful ******* for a long time. Sticking around if you truly don't like this hoping he will change, making excuses for him, telling yourself what a great Dad he is otherwise won't change a damn thing. The reason I know this is I did the exact same thing for way too long. I just did not want to give up my old ideal much better in the past than now marriage. Very understandable. You do have a choice to keep defending him and hoping one day he will finally listen to what you need; which again I am not putting you down for-I get it! Or it is time to take care of yourself and your children and be done with this BS and leave. I really am sorry you are going through this. It is so hurtful to have to face. Both choices work but decide now rather than later so you aren't stuck in limbo hell on the fence. It is a much worse place to be than making a decision and accepting whatever that decision is.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

20 years, 2 children, I get it. 

He's a lying dirty dog. LYING. DIRTY. DOG.

This is never going to get better. Look at all you already know. Imagine all the rest you have no idea about. 

If your daughter was telling you this about her husband, what would you advise her to do? 
Take your own advice.


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## Demot321 (May 3, 2018)

Plz delete


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

MySide said:


> An update:
> 
> So, he's on a business trip. Plan landed and two hours later he was searching for "adult clubs near me" and "backpage". Then there's yesterdays mystery. AT hotel at 7, got to where he was supposed to be by 8am. Had lunch, drove back to the hotel after. Then nothing. On his google timeline there is missing time from 12:55 to 7:30p. He texted me at 4:48p saying he was back at the hotel and going to the pool and would call later. AT 4:51 he searched for "cuddlers near me", 4:55 searched for "escort service near me", 4:57 searched for "asian massage parlours near me". 5:17 used Maps-Nav and Transit. Then he called me at 7:09 after I had texted and said the kids were going to bed soon. What explains the missing info on the google timeline? Did he shut his phone off? Also, there is a $102.95 charge on the credit card for the hotel across from the one he was staying at????? That makes no sense. If he met up with someone why not bring them back to his hotel room that was already paid for? I know if I confront him with the searches he's just going to turn it around and say he was just testing me to see if I was checking up on him. I so wanted 100% proof before I said it's over. What if that weird charge was something completely innocent? I'm so confused right now. I know I'm stupid but please don't be mean to me. I've been with him for over 20 years. Three days ago we celebrated our 19 anniversary.


102.00 charge at hotel...Probably an ATM? 
100.00 for hooker....2 bucks for the service fee to the hotel ATM..

He's a *****monger. Nope, need to lawyer up and start 180! No bueno. Oh, and you ought to get checked for STDs....Sorry.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

@MySide, "I so wanted 100% proof before I said it's over. What if that weird charge was something completely innocent? I'm so confused right now. I know I'm stupid but please don't be mean to me. I've been with him for over 20 years. Three days ago we celebrated our 19 anniversary."

Just so you know, I don't think anyone here is trying to be mean to you. They are a)frustrated FOR you that you are being put through this --- folks I think really want to see justice here for you, and b)are trying to give you a little "kick in the pants" to get you past your indecision (which we all understand -- 20 years, children, etc.). However, We WANT the best for you and your children. Some guy who is doing this to you 3 DAYS after your anniversary doesn't really deserve your love and devotion. YOU need someone who will be equally devoted to you and your family.

If you need to get "definitive" proof, why don't you put a PI on him on his trip -- find someone in that city, give them the details and they will find out quick enough. You should do this to prove to YOURSELF and get clarity around what he is doing. I think in your case that may help you move past this and start to detach/move on. VERY sorry you are going through this.


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## MySide (Nov 11, 2016)

I know no one here is going to be really mean to me, you all want to help. It's so hard though. Most of you probably work or have had jobs or a degree or SOME sort of skill. I truly have nothing. I've had two jobs before I had kids. At a convenience store where I cried everyday because I couldn't stand being around all those people all the time and at a small daycare that I loved the kids but cried from having to deal with their parents. I don't go out unless I have to. I have no skills. Nothing I'm good at. I can't even talk on the phone without getting everything all jumbled and sounding stupid. When I call someplace I have to write out word for word what I'm going to say and if it goes off script I panic. When someone asks me a question I freeze , going blank and mumble some stupid answer that wasn't even what they were asking. I'd rather kill myself that to have to work at a store like that again. I'm horrible at math. Can't type. Leaving means finding a job and I just don't know how I'll do that. I haven't worked in 15 years! I don't have money to go back to school. I'm sorry, you all have been great here, I do truly appreciate all words given.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

So what would count for "proof" of his screwing around?????

Do you need to actually witness his penis entering another woman's vagina and obtain verified semen samples before you get it?


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

MySide said:


> I know no one here is going to be really mean to me, you all want to help. It's so hard though. Most of you probably work or have had jobs or a degree or SOME sort of skill. I truly have nothing. I've had two jobs before I had kids. At a convenience store where I cried everyday because I couldn't stand being around all those people all the time and at a small daycare that I loved the kids but cried from having to deal with their parents. I don't go out unless I have to. I have no skills. Nothing I'm good at. I can't even talk on the phone without getting everything all jumbled and sounding stupid. When I call someplace I have to write out word for word what I'm going to say and if it goes off script I panic. When someone asks me a question I freeze , going blank and mumble some stupid answer that wasn't even what they were asking. I'd rather kill myself that to have to work at a store like that again. I'm horrible at math. Can't type. Leaving means finding a job and I just don't know how I'll do that. I haven't worked in 15 years! I don't have money to go back to school. I'm sorry, you all have been great here, I do truly appreciate all words given.


Leaving means finding a job EVENTUALLY. This is the bright side of spousal support, child support, etc and when it's vital and necessary. You don't have to be stuck. We can lay it all out for you but the first step is for you to see a lawyer. They can give you the details and how you will be taken care of. You will eventually and quite frankly WANT to get a job once you find your calling, your confidence and your strength. For now, don't worry about that. Worry about finding out what your rights are and what will be taken care of from a lawyer.

Do you have close family you can confide in?


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## MySide (Nov 11, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> So what would count for "proof" of his screwing around?????
> 
> Do you need to actually witness his penis entering another woman's vagina and obtain verified semen samples before you get it?



No. But what do I have right now? I don't know that he paid for another hotel room. That doesn't make sense. He was alone, no need to get another room. What if it was an atm or food and drinks or something? He tends to buy everyone drinks at a bar. All I have is a search, not actually visiting any places or hiring an escort. He'll just twist it around.


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## MySide (Nov 11, 2016)

stillfightingforus said:


> Leaving means finding a job EVENTUALLY. This is the bright side of spousal support, child support, etc and when it's vital and necessary. You don't have to be stuck. We can lay it all out for you but the first step is for you to see a lawyer. They can give you the details and how you will be taken care of. You will eventually and quite frankly WANT to get a job once you find your calling, your confidence and your strength. For now, don't worry about that. Worry about finding out what your rights are and what will be taken care of from a lawyer.
> 
> Do you have close family you can confide in?


I don't have any one. Just my mom and I don't want to talk to her about this and she can't help financially or anything. She lives in a one bedroom senior disabled apartment. I have no friends and I cut the rest of my family (cousins and aunt) out of my life three years ago. Long Story. Dad died when I was 3, no brothers or sisters. I just don't have anyone I can talk to. I quit church years ago so there's not that even. I'm alone.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

MySide said:


> No. But what do I have right now? I don't know that he paid for another hotel room. That doesn't make sense. He was alone, no need to get another room. What if it was an atm or food and drinks or something? He tends to buy everyone drinks at a bar. All I have is a search, not actually visiting any places or hiring an escort. He'll just twist it around.


Regarding the credit card charges, call the bank and get details.

As for the rest of it...

Geez.

He’s not going to just _admit_ it to you.

You have to take what you see and trust that it’s true — that it’s indicative of his behavior and true self.

And if you can’t do that, you might as well not even bother with checking up on him, because all you’re going to do is drive yourself crazy.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Although it goes against everything natural and all my principles, I promise not to be mean to you. :laugh:

You've isolated yourself from the world, and made this awful man and your kids your entire world. Sadly, you see now what a bad choice that was because you're now realizing how that's crippled you.

The one thing you haven't done is go to a lawyer. I'm going to be honest here. If this so-called man can blow money on strippers and prostitutes and God only knows what else, then YOU can spend some money going to a lawyer and getting *EDUCATED* about what your choices actually *are*. Not what you assume, not what you read on the internet, but what they actually are.

You can sit in a dark corner and cry and claim you're trapped and helpless and get absolutely nowhere day after day, or you can finally take that first step and get to a lawyer to find out how really 'trapped' you are.

Now go call a lawyer and make an appt.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

MySide said:


> No. But what do I have right now? I don't know that he paid for another hotel room. That doesn't make sense. He was alone, no need to get another room. What if it was an atm or food and drinks or something? He tends to buy everyone drinks at a bar. All I have is a search, not actually visiting any places or hiring an escort. He'll just twist it around.


The part I don't think you are quite getting yet is you do not need to convince HIM that he is cheating. You don't need a written, signed and notarized confession.

You also do not need to provide absolute, unarguable proof to any other person.

You know he is a bad apple and you know he is not faithfully and exclusive on to you.

That's all you need to know.


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## MySide (Nov 11, 2016)

The hotel he was staying at didn't have an ATM , but the one next door did. He took out $100 and it charged him $2.95. With that money he did go to a strip club, but didn't get any lap dances because he knew I wasn't ok with that. He thought it was just the lap dances I had a problem with. Just sat at the bar and had a few drinks and talked to a guy named Jim. One dancer did come up and ask if they wanted a dance and they said no. They offered to buy her a drink but she said no because she was still breastfeeding. She has a 9 month old. 

I have to figure that that much is true because honestly he's a horrible liar. He's not smart enough to come up with something weird like that. But the thing is, he still went to a strip club. On, the other hand some women are fine with that. 

Now for the search thing, that's a little questionable. I don't have a record of everything he did. Perhaps I need to put a spy app on there. Backpage has come up more than once , but he knows that backpage is closed. So, why would he search it again if he knows its closed? Makes no sense. He said he didn't recently search for backpage, but clicked on a link and it took him there or to a search or something , I can't remember. I've got through stuff again and noticed something. Stuff I'm 100% sure he would search for - like an engine for the car- is always searched in lower case. Other stuff, the first letter is capitalized. He mentioned something about clicking on a link or something, I can't remember exactly. I just don't know. I don't think he physically cheated.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

MySide said:


> The hotel he was staying at didn't have an ATM , but the one next door did. He took out $100 and it charged him $2.95. With that money he did go to a strip club, but didn't get any lap dances because he knew I wasn't ok with that. He thought it was just the lap dances I had a problem with. Just sat at the bar and had a few drinks and talked to a guy named Jim. One dancer did come up and ask if they wanted a dance and they said no. They offered to buy her a drink but she said no because she was still breastfeeding. She has a 9 month old.
> 
> I have to figure that that much is true because honestly he's a horrible liar. He's not smart enough to come up with something weird like that. But the thing is, he still went to a strip club. On, the other hand some women are fine with that.
> 
> Now for the search thing, that's a little questionable. I don't have a record of everything he did. Perhaps I need to put a spy app on there. * Backpage has come up more than once , but he knows that backpage is closed. So, why would he search it again if he knows its closed?* Makes no sense. He said he didn't recently search for backpage, but clicked on a link and it took him there or to a search or something , I can't remember. I've got through stuff again and noticed something. Stuff I'm 100% sure he would search for - like an engine for the car- is always searched in lower case. Other stuff, the first letter is capitalized. He mentioned something about clicking on a link or something, I can't remember exactly. I just don't know. I don't think he physically cheated.


Its the internet. Backpage replaced something that came before it - something will replace backpage. And the search engines will adjust accordingly.

I know this is hard and people don't always give the most sensitive responses. But its because many of us have been in your shoes. And a lot of us hesitated to believe what we felt was true, and ended up staying in a bad situation far longer than we needed to.

You have to be strong. Most attorneys will give you a free 1 hour consult - just go and talk to one. You'll feel empowered for taking the step and you'll gain info (knowledge is power). You've been married and together for sometime - you have a good chance at getting some kind of alimony in many states. Hanging out with strippers means he probably won't fight you on custody of the kids - you'll get child support. You won't have to earn a living tomorrow, but you need to start working towards having the ability to take care of yourself and stand on your own.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> you do not need to convince HIM that he is cheating. You don't need a written, signed and notarized confession.


This is so correct. You have the judgement call. If the evidence, and his behavior and demeanor say so, then, he is cheating, whether he admits it, or not.

Feel free to act according to your judgement as if it were incontrovertible fact. Let the "burden of proof" be upon him, if he wants to save his marriage.


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