# Communication Issues with Spouse



## hazelm (Dec 18, 2020)

Hello, this is my first time posting, but I am hopeful of getting a new perspective on the issues I'm facing. I have been married for 6 years and have two grown sons; my husband does not have any children and we don't have any together. If I tell about his overall behavior during the years we've been together, it would give the impression that he is an insensitive jerk, but if you were to meet him you would agree that he is a genuinely sweet and caring person. There seems to be some strange disconnect there, and I'm not sure what it is, unless it is that he is supremely unaware of how his behavior affects me. So there is a lot of unresolved anger and distrust on my part towards my husband, although I love him very much and I don't think he has ever intentionally meant to hurt me in any way. 

My problem now is that he agreed to travel to a new city for a "temporary" job to help a friend out. This was only to last 3-4 months. I came with him since I was unemployed at the time....but that was a year and half ago. Now his friend isn't even here anymore. Nevertheless, he bought a house here in this city and has shown no signs of leaving. So we are now several hours away from my kids and my ailing mother. I have only seen my kids a couple of times in the last year and a half, and I have not been able to get a job due to having to travel back and forth for upkeep on our previous home as well as taking care of my ailing mother. I protested vehemently about buying the house, but he bought it anyway. And I get almost no response when I discuss my need to move somewhere closer to family. My husband is working from very, very early in the morning until late at night 6 days a week, and since I have to be available for my mother (she has had numerous surgeries and has no one else to help her), I am left alone every single day. 

I just want to go back to my old life or at least move to a more reasonable location. I have tried every way I know how to communicate with my husband, but nothing I say seems to matter. At this point, I am so depressed and so lonely that I feel I have to take some kind of action for my own sanity.


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## hazelm (Dec 18, 2020)

hazelm said:


> Hello, this is my first time posting, but I am hopeful of getting a new perspective on the issues I'm facing. I have been married for 6 years and have two grown sons; my husband does not have any children and we don't have any together. If I tell about his overall behavior during the years we've been together, it would give the impression that he is an insensitive jerk, but if you were to meet him you would agree that he is a genuinely sweet and caring person. There seems to be some strange disconnect there, and I'm not sure what it is, unless it is that he is supremely unaware of how his behavior affects me. So there is a lot of unresolved anger and distrust on my part towards my husband, although I love him very much and I don't think he has ever intentionally meant to hurt me in any way.
> 
> My problem now is that he agreed to travel to a new city for a "temporary" job to help a friend out. This was only to last 3-4 months. I came with him since I was unemployed at the time....but that was a year and half ago. Now his friend isn't even here anymore. Nevertheless, he bought a house here in this city and has shown no signs of leaving. So we are now several hours away from my kids and my ailing mother. I have only seen my kids a couple of times in the last year and a half, and I have not been able to get a job due to having to travel back and forth for upkeep on our previous home as well as taking care of my ailing mother. I protested vehemently about buying the house, but he bought it anyway. And I get almost no response when I discuss my need to move somewhere closer to family. My husband is working from very, very early in the morning until late at night 6 days a week, and since I have to be available for my mother (she has had numerous surgeries and has no one else to help her), I am left alone every single day.
> 
> I just want to go back to my old life or at least move to a more reasonable location. I have tried every way I know how to communicate with my husband, but nothing I say seems to matter. At this point, I am so depressed and so lonely that I feel I have to take some kind of action for my own sanity.


I also want to add that this is how all of our communication goes...I tell him what I want or think, and he does what he wants to do anyway with no compromise or consideration of what I said. I understand that everything is not all on him with me being the perfect one. I want to learn better ways to communicate.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Wait.....whaaaat???

So he tricked you into moving to a new city a year and a half ago, and you have gone along with it, while thinking you need to find new ways to beg him to hear what you say. Like, he might hear you say the word "the" if you say it just the right way. Did I get that right?

I've read A LOT of women complain about the way their husband treats them. In a huge inordinate number of cases, they don't know they are being horribly abused, but the abuse is severe and obvious to the reader. While the women enumerate all the atrocities they experience, they describe their husband as "a good man" and exclaim their love for him. They also blame themselves for the abuse because he has them fooled into thinking it's her fault he abuses her. It's ridiculous.

I'm not saying your husband is abusive. I just used that as an example of you doing the same thing abused women do. You are married to the most selfish man that ever lived but made sure to tell us how wonderful he is and how much you love him. You're also blaming yourself for his selfishness. You're thinking there's something wrong with the way you communicate your feelings and opinions so if you can just learn to say it the right way, he might finally hear the words. But understand this....your husband IGNORES YOU. That's all this is.

What has happened is he doesn't want your children around, so he lied and tricked you into moving away so he won't have to be around your kids and you will be 100% available to him and not have to share you with them. He wanted to have total control over you.



hazelm said:


> At this point, I am so depressed and so lonely that I feel I have to take some kind of action for my own sanity.


Yeah, so what are you going to do? Because lack of communication skills is not your problem. Your selfish husband is your problem.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

So your husband works very long hours and isn't around much. He doesn't care about your opinions. Doesn't sound like much of a marriage to me. You just got dragged along for the ride. I'm only guessing, but could it be that he also controls the finances, leaving you in the dark about where the money goes? Do you have joint accounts? Since he purchased a house against your protests, I'm also assuming your name isn't on the mortgage or title?

More information would be helpful.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Prodigal said:


> So your husband works very long hours and isn't around much. He doesn't care about your opinions. Doesn't sound like much of a marriage to me. You just got dragged along for the ride. I'm only guessing, but could it be that he also controls the finances, leaving you in the dark about where the money goes? Do you have joint accounts? Since he purchased a house against your protests, I'm also assuming your name isn't on the mortgage or title?
> 
> More information would be helpful.


Really great questions.


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## hazelm (Dec 18, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> So your husband works very long hours and isn't around much. He doesn't care about your opinions. Doesn't sound like much of a marriage to me. You just got dragged along for the ride. I'm only guessing, but could it be that he also controls the finances, leaving you in the dark about where the money goes? Do you have joint accounts? Since he purchased a house against your protests, I'm also assuming your name isn't on the mortgage or title?
> 
> More information would be helpful.


We do have joint accounts and I had to put my name on the house--I actually didn't want to be tied up with it. I really didn't want to be tied down in any way to this area as I was thinking the entire time that was a temporary stay. Thanks for your imput.


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## hazelm (Dec 18, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> So your husband works very long hours and isn't around much. He doesn't care about your opinions. Doesn't sound like much of a marriage to me. You just got dragged along for the ride. I'm only guessing, but could it be that he also controls the finances, leaving you in the dark about where the money goes? Do you have joint accounts? Since he purchased a house against your protests, I'm also assuming your name isn't on the mortgage or title?
> 
> More information would be helpful.





StarFires said:


> Wait.....whaaaat???
> 
> So he tricked you into moving to a new city a year and a half ago, and you have gone along with it, while thinking you need to find new ways to beg him to hear what you say. Like, he might hear you say the word "the" if you say it just the right way. Did I get that right?
> 
> ...


I hadn't thought about it this way. I tend to think of myself as harsh and overly critical. Thank you for your input.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Why did you have to put your name on the house? Was it because he wouldn't qualify for a mortgage without your income being a factor? The reason I'm asking all these questions is because you're being pretty vague about the entire issue. If your income wasn't a factor in his buying the house, why did you consent to buying it?


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

hazelm said:


> We do have joint accounts and I had to put my name on the house--I actually didn't want to be tied up with it. I really didn't want to be tied down in any way to this area as I was thinking the entire time that was a temporary stay. Thanks for your imput.


No, Hazel, you didn't have to put your name on the house. You didn't want the house. You didn't want to live in that city. You didn't want to be tied to the city. So you shouldn't have gone along with it. You have the option of refusing him and following your own mind just like you can see he does.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Sounds like he's never around and ignores you. What kind of relationship do you actually have? Are you sure there isn't a woman in this new town. 

On the flip side being a sole provider can be a lot of pressure. He may not want to move back if he has a good paying job now.

Why do you still own the other house?


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## hazelm (Dec 18, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> Why did you have to put your name on the house? Was it because he wouldn't qualify for a mortgage without your income being a factor? The reason I'm asking all these questions is because you're being pretty vague about the entire issue. If your income wasn't a factor in his buying the house, why did you consent to buying it?


I guess the real reason is that he said I had to sign the paperwork and so I did. We fought about it, but I said okay. I always just say okay to things I don't want to do and get angry about it. I don't think he's hiding things from me (like finances), I think he just doesn't really care that much what I want. He wants to live here, so we live here. I'm not trying to be vague, there just isn't much else to it. We needed a place to stay and he didn't want to "throw money away on rent." He has made several comments about staying in this area until he can retire. This just isn't reasonable to me.


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## hazelm (Dec 18, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> Sounds like he's never around and ignores you. What kind of relationship do you actually have? Are you sure there isn't a woman in this new town.
> 
> On the flip side being a sole provider can be a lot of pressure. He may not want to move back if he has a good paying job now.
> 
> Why do you still own the other house?


 He does have a good paying job now, and I think he doesn't want to lose it. The job that he thought was temporary turned out to be more permanent that he expected. We do still own the other house, but will be forced to sell it soon I'm sure. It's too difficult to pay for 2 homes. As for another woman, I had not considered that and I don't think that's the case but I will keep my eyes open. I did see a picture of a woman on his phone, and when I asked him about it he said she was a co-worker that he works directly with.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

hazelm said:


> I always just say okay to things I don't want to do and get angry about it.


And therein lies your problem. Sorry to be harsh, but the responsibility is on you for the situation in which you find yourself.

My guess is if you'd refused to go along with his plans, he would have done what he wanted to do without you. There's a saying I've often heard in Al-Anon over the years: "Get out or get dragged." Perhaps you are doing things your gut is telling you aren't in your OWN best interests.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

hazelm said:


> He does have a good paying job now, and I think he doesn't want to lose it. The job that he thought was temporary turned out to be more permanent that he expected. We do still own the other house, but will be forced to sell it soon I'm sure. It's too difficult to pay for 2 homes. As for another woman, I had not considered that and I don't think that's the case but I will keep my eyes open. I did see a picture of a woman on his phone, and when I asked him about it he said she was a co-worker that he works directly with.


And what percent of affairs do you think start at the office with people you work with closely and have a personal relationship with?

Quick google says 60%


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## hazelm (Dec 18, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> And therein lies your problem. Sorry to be harsh, but the responsibility is on you for the situation in which you find yourself.
> 
> My guess is if you'd refused to go along with his plans, he would have done what he wanted to do without you. There's a saying I've often heard in Al-Anon over the years: "Get out or get dragged." Perhaps you are doing things your gut is telling you aren't in your OWN best interests.


[My guess is if you'd refused to go along with his plans, he would have done what he wanted to do without you.]

Noooooooo, if I would have absolutely refused to go along with him he would have told me every single day that I screwed everything up and that everything could have been so much better for us if I would have understood that his plan was a good one. Our problem seems to be that we can never agree on what the best thing to do is. He always wants to go left when I want to go right.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Prodigal said:


> My guess is if you'd refused to go along with his plans, he would have done what he wanted to do without you.


And made life for her extremely difficult.



Anastasia6 said:


> And what percent of affairs do you think start at the office with people you work with closely and have a personal relationship with?
> 
> Quick google says 60%


And have a picture of them on his phone? That's a red flag.


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## hazelm (Dec 18, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> And what percent of affairs do you think start at the office with people you work with closely and have a personal relationship with?
> 
> Quick google says 60%





StarFires said:


> And made life for her extremely difficult.
> 
> 
> 
> And have a picture of them on his phone? That's a red flag.


I agree that it's a red flag. He tends to be very chatty with women, which makes me uncomfortable as well. Like I said, we have a lot of back issues unrelated to this particular problem of having moved to a new city.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why are you with him?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

hazelm said:


> ...if I would have absolutely refused to go along with him he would have told me every single day that I screwed everything up


So rather than listen to him whine, moan, groan and complain, you went along with him. Peace at any price, right? Again, the responsibility for where you find yourself is yours.

In your initial post, you mentioned how "genuinely sweet and caring" your husband is. Nope. Sorry. Not by a long shot. And a VERY long shot at that. And your marriage doesn't sound like a happy or satisfying one. From where I'm sitting, it sounds like you've compromised what you really want in life (and your happiness) to go along with this man. And it's not sitting well with you. 

I've been in your shoes. I left. And I never regretted my decision. I live a damn peaceful life now. And by peaceful, I mean the inner peace I've found from letting my own inner compass guide me. Not anyone else's.


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## hazelm (Dec 18, 2020)

Well, actually, I really do love my husband very much and I don't have any desire to leave him. I tend to have black and white thinking that makes it difficult for me to think of other ways to resolve issues besides leaving. That's where I was hoping to get some advice. You've all made good points that I have to stand my ground more, although I can assure you I have been extremely vocal with him about my opinions and regarding what I want to see happen. Thanks again for responding.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He’s not interested in changing. He doesn’t care what you think. He’s determined to get his way. Not much can be done with someone like that. Unfortunately, if you wish to stay, I’m afraid that you’ll have to accept him as he is.


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## hazelm (Dec 18, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> So rather than listen to him whine, moan, groan and complain, you went along with him. Peace at any price, right? Again, the responsibility for where you find yourself is yours.
> 
> In your initial post, you mentioned how "genuinely sweet and caring" your husband is. Nope. Sorry. Not by a long shot. And a VERY long shot at that. And your marriage doesn't sound like a happy or satisfying one. From where I'm sitting, it sounds like you've compromised what you really want in life (and your happiness) to go along with this man. And it's not sitting well with you.
> 
> I've been in your shoes. I left. And I never regretted my decision. I live a damn peaceful life now. And by peaceful, I mean the inner peace I've found from letting my own inner compass guide me. Not anyone else's.


Most of what you said is right on point. However, I've been in my shoes before too, LOL, this is my third marriage...and I really want it to work. I know what divorce is like for sure. What will give me inner peace right now is learning how to get along my husband so that we are both happy. He is not a horrible person, although he's obviously not perfect either. If it is not possible for us both to be happy, then yes, I may have to move on. But I hope that's not the case.


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## hazelm (Dec 18, 2020)

Openminded said:


> He’s not interested in changing. He doesn’t care what you think. He’s determined to get his way. Not much can be done with someone like that. Unfortunately, if you wish to stay, I’m afraid that you’ll have to accept him as he is.


I’m afraid that you’ll have to accept him as he is.
Yes, that was my conclusion too...


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

hazelm said:


> I can assure you I have been extremely vocal with him about my opinions and regarding what I want to see happen.


Being vocal isn't working. Your husband does what he wants to do. If you don't go along with it, he manipulates you by making you miserable. If you go along with him, you resent it. Since you want to stay in the marriage, it would be a good idea to let go of the resentment you have when you feel you're going along with his plans but aren't happy about it. 

I honestly don't think there is any other way to resolve your issues.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

hazelm said:


> You've all made good points that I have to stand my ground more, although I can assure you I have been extremely vocal with him about my opinions and regarding what I want to see happen. Thanks again for responding.


You're being vague to escape us coming down on you. I'm sorry about that, but this is a no holds barred kind of public forum, where people come out with it even if it's hard to take. Most boards are the same way.

What you said here is what has failed you and brought you to this board, so what's the point in saying again that you've been very vocal when that hasn't gotten you anywhere because it doesn't mean anything to him?



hazelm said:


> What will give me inner peace right now is learning how to get along my husband so that we are both happy. He is not a horrible person, although he's obviously not perfect either. If it is not possible for us both to be happy, then yes, I may have to move on. But I hope that's not the case.


Just a reminder.....
_"At this point, I am so depressed and so lonely that I feel I have to take some kind of action for my own sanity."_

So'll say again, there is nothing for you to learn except to learn how to shut up, have no feelings, have no opinions, make no request.

That's your solution.
He will be very happy about that as you give him no more input from you to ignore.

But is that the happiness you are seeking?

Stop all this blaming yourself. Your marriage is not for you to carry alone.


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

Kids fly the coop for every parent. 
Move your mother to you.
Sell your old house.

Unless your husband can find a job in your old city, then sell this house, quit his job, move back.

It would be over-the-top to divorce simply because you want to live closer to your adult children.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I’ll tell you how my wife handled it when she wanted to move back home.

A few years earlier she really wanted to move to another state for work and to be by some friends.

While we were there was when the kids started coming and she wanted to move home to be by family.

I was agreeable to this but my job was not as transferable as hers and so I was putting in applications and flying back for interviews etc but she was growing more inpatient by the day. 

Patience isn’t really in her vocabulary on anything and one day she called me at work and told me that she accepted a job back home, had a start date in 3 weeks and had reserved a moving truck.

She said she was initially moving to her parents and added that I was welcome to go with her but she was going with or without me. 

I opted to go with her.

Your H might not.

But the point I’m making here is you are an adult and go where you please with or without him, and he has the option to go or not go with you. 

But either those decisions are yours. 

He will understand your seriousness when he sees you driving over the horizon and if he opts to stay, you know where you stand.


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## hazelm (Dec 18, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> I’ll tell you how my wife handled it when she wanted to move back home.
> 
> A few years earlier she really wanted to move to another state for work and to be by some friends.
> 
> ...


This is what I'm thinking about doing. Your last line definitely speaks to where I am right now. Thank you for sharing your story.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Yeah. I think step 1 is to stop thinking of this as a "communication problem". You are both communicating very clearly.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Lance Mannion said:


> It would be over-the-top to divorce simply because you want to live closer to your adult children.


OP expounded on her situation. It sounds like there's a lot more going on than just being closer to her kids. When someone mentions a "disconnect" in their marriage, and claims they feel "depressed" and "lonely" as well, I don't think it's a huge leap to believe there may need to be more drastic action considered.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Laurentium said:


> Yeah. I think step 1 is to stop thinking of this as a "communication problem". You are both communicating very clearly.


I agree. It is not a communication issue. 

There isn’t some phrase or words that are alluding you so that you have been unable to make your wishes known and understood.

This is a respect and caring issue on his part. He simply doesn’t care about what you want. 

If you want to move back and he isn’t willing to go with you, you’re simply going to have to do it yourself.

You have agency. You can go if you want.

He has agency. He can stay if he wants. Or he can go with you if he wants.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Lance Mannion said:


> It would be over-the-top to divorce simply because you want to live closer to your adult children.


I disagree with not only your statement, but the mentality behind it as well. 

It’s not up to us or anyone else to determine whether someone else’s divorce is justified or not. 

If her values of being with her children in her homeland are greater than being with her H in a place she doesn’t want to be, that is her call. 

Neither a husband nor a wife is chattel or property nor an indentured servant. 

A sane, sober adult has free agency to live where they want. All choices have benefits and consequences.

If she decides the benefit of moving back home to be with children outweighs the consequences of divorce, that is her choice. 

Others do not have to agree with it.


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> OP expounded on her situation. It sounds like there's a lot more going on than just being closer to her kids. When someone mentions a "disconnect" in their marriage, and claims they feel "depressed" and "lonely" as well, I don't think it's a huge leap to believe there may need to be more drastic action considered.


I suppose this is different for every individual, but if it were me, I'd be drawing the line at 3 marriages and start working on the unresolved anger and other feelings she has. 

I seriously doubt that a better guy is going to step forward to be her 4th husband,, so it's either life as a divorcee or start coming to terms with this marriage and working on it.

If the husband can find a similar job in her city, then that gets put on the table, if not, her move should be off the table. Her place is beside her husband, not beside her adult children. The ailing mother can be moved to wherever the OP is residing.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Lance Mannion said:


> I'd be drawing the line at 3 marriages and start working on the unresolved anger and other feelings she has.


Absolutely. In total agreement over ^^this.^^ Sounds like OP does have a lot of resentment/anger concerning her husband. Hopefully, she'll seek help for that.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

StarFires said:


> Are you two as delusional as she is?


No, I am certainly not delusional. And I don't appreciate your comment. Back off, okay?



StarFires said:


> But the two of you are blaming her?


The OP clearly stated she goes along with things her husband wants, but she is left feeling angry when she does. I suggested she may need to consider leaving the marriage. As it is, she is responsible for the choices she makes, unless this man puts a gun to her head and forces her to do things she does not want to do.

Whether this is about abuse or not, the OP has choices she can make. She can leave. She can stay. She is free to decide to make choices without feeling angry about them.

Please do not call me delusional again. Thank you.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Prodigal said:


> No, I am certainly not delusional. And I don't appreciate your comment. Back off, okay?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Certainly, but I didn't mean it so seriously as you took it. I didn't think you would because I hardly think that of you, but I apologize.

Several people spoke of her free agency to leave as you spoke of it, but, again, it's not that simple. People very often wonder why abused women don't leave, and that is often the first thing they exclaim "Why doesn't she just leave?!" So the paralysis, just like thinking he's wonderful, are by product result of the abuse. I partially explained it in my post. There's nothing to understand about it, but it's best to accept that it's normal and just the way it goes. So the advice they are given can be crucial.

ETA @Prodigal : I didn't call you and Lance delusional, as I just realized that's what you said. I asked if you were delusional and really just meant it in a flippant and comical way, but of course I apologized, and a surprised you took offense.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Yes, I certainly did take offense. People are out here in cyberspace reading what is posted. Neither I or anyone else has the luxury of hearing tone of voice or facial expressions when they read what is being delivered. Don't be surprised that I took offense. Seriously.

As far as abused spouses go, I assumed you knew my story. I was married to an alcoholic who had a gun. An unregistered hand gun. When I left on a Sunday evening, I got out with my beloved cat and my life. I'm pretty familiar with abuse. I'm also pretty familiar with women who go along with what their spouse wants, then they hate themselves for doing that. Been in that scenario myself.

The thing is, I suggested the OP leave. Yes, I can blame my abusive husband for keeping me stuck for too long. But, in hindsight, I got out much sooner than many women. I also didn't profess love for the SOB by the time I walked. But I own my decision to stay. I own my tolerance of the abuse. I own my poor decisions. Just like the OP, whose gut is telling her something is off. She's resentful and angry. Yet she claims to love her husband and says she wants to stay. HER LIFE. HER CHOICE.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

StarFires said:


> No, Hazel, you didn't have to put your name on the house. You didn't want the house. You didn't want to live in that city. You didn't want to be tied to the city. So you shouldn't have gone along with it. You have the option of refusing him and following your own mind just like you can see he does.


Some states require it. My state is one of them. It depends on the amount of money involved here, I had to sign the papers also when my wife’s mom put some assets in my wife’s and her brother’s name. I didn’t want any part of the money but because of the amount I had to be in the process along with BIL’s wife.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

hazelm said:


> I guess the real reason is that he said I had to sign the paperwork and so I did. We fought about it, but I said okay. I always just say okay to things I don't want to do and get angry about it. I don't think he's hiding things from me (like finances), I think he just doesn't really care that much what I want. He wants to live here, so we live here. I'm not trying to be vague, there just isn't much else to it. We needed a place to stay and he didn't want to "throw money away on rent." He has made several comments about staying in this area until he can retire. This just isn't reasonable to me.


Could your husband get a job back home making what he is making where you are now?


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Prodigal said:


> Yes, I certainly did take offense. People are out here in cyberspace reading what is posted. Neither I or anyone else has the luxury of hearing tone of voice or facial expressions when they read what is being delivered. Don't be surprised that I took offense. Seriously.
> 
> As far as abused spouses go, I assumed you knew my story. I was married to an alcoholic who had a gun. An unregistered hand gun. When I left on a Sunday evening, I got out with my beloved cat and my life. I'm pretty familiar with abuse. I'm also pretty familiar with women who go along with what their spouse wants, then they hate themselves for doing that. Been in that scenario myself.
> 
> The thing is, I suggested the OP leave. Yes, I can blame my abusive husband for keeping me stuck for too long. But, in hindsight, I got out much sooner than many women. I also didn't profess love for the SOB by the time I walked. But I own my decision to stay. I own my tolerance of the abuse. I own my poor decisions. Just like the OP, whose gut is telling her something is off. She's resentful and angry. Yet she claims to love her husband and says she wants to stay. HER LIFE. HER CHOICE.


Nope, I didn't know. I applaud all survivors, for sure.

You mentioned "in hindsight" and I don't want to assume it applied to everything that followed. So are you being fair to the OP and understand that she's in it and experiencing it right now and, therefore, in the fog and paralysis of it all right now. It's likely been one thing after another, as she indicated. When she's out of it, she'll be able to look back and question her choices, own them, regret them, or determine however she feels about them.

You may have read my story one of the umpteen times I told it here. It's just that I'm so intolerant that I didn't stay for long. In less than three months, I was out of there, enough time to wrangle myself out of his narcissistic ball of confusion of trying to figure out what the heck was going on. I decided it didn't matter if I could figure it out. It didn't matter if I could make sense of his senseless scenarios. The only thing that mattered was I didn't like it and refused to be treated that way, so I left.

My intolerant nature made me judgmental too. I was one of the ones wondering "Why doesn't she just leave?" I was also one who felt it was their choice to stay, their choice to keep taking it, they have free agency, and all that. But, when I was in the DV shelter and received counseling there (group counseling), I learned a lot and became better able to understand the mentality when women are going through it. There were a lot of survivors in the group, all of whom questioned their reason for staying so long (5, 10, and 20 years some of them), and they all became better able to understand why they did. What we didn't learn back then that I recently came across was just how primal, psychological, and deeply-rooted those decisions are (which is technically no decision at all), and that part is what causes the paralysis.

So you own it now, but you probably couldn't explain it to yourself at the time. Maybe you didn't even question it at the time and even if you did, the paralysis still kept you there for however long you stayed. Of those who leave when they finally do (usually the 7th time according to statistics), they either spend a long time planning their escape, or they are prompted to leave on an impromptu basis, similar to your escape. It's much less often that a woman decides to leave and then does so within a relatively short time afterward. It's usually that they decide to take it in order to work their plan to fruition, which could be another year or two or more, or something happens and they have to leave quickly with no other choice to make.

So if I didn't make my point clear in my other post, I'll ask clearly now to ease up on her. She's in the fog of experiencing the abuse on a current and regular basis. And not only is she paralyzed from that, but she's also paralyzed herself with the guilt, fear, and shame of a 3rd failed marriage. I don't know why because I wouldn't care, but I have noticed women from other boards over the years make that fact mean a lot to them. They can't stand what they think is society's judgment of women divorcing a 2nd and 3rd time. They fear it's a reflection on their worth, desirability, and ability to keep a man. Go figure all the guilts and causes for shame that we saddle ourselves with. Like I said, this one makes no sense to me, but there it is and there it shall remain. I just try to go with the flow of what is normal even if it's new to me.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

ABHale said:


> Some states require it. My state is one of them. It depends on the amount of money involved here, I had to sign the papers also when my wife’s mom put some assets in my wife’s and her brother’s name. I didn’t want any part of the money but because of the amount I had to be in the process along with BIL’s wife.


This is another example of what I told you before, you don't understand anything I say. You quoted me telling her she didn't have to sign for the house and told me some states require her signature. Why can't you see the difference? There is no state in this union that requires anybody to buy a house. Since I know I'm going to have to explain further, I will explain further. If she didn't sign, her husband wouldn't be able to buy the house (if her state required her signature, that is). 

Again, the choice was hers to sign. 
Again, she didn't have to.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Moderator note:-* @StarFires stated that this is a "no holds barred forum."

TAM is *NOT *a "no holds barred forum." It is controlled by rules of etiquette and bad and rude behaviour will not be tolerated by the forum or its owners.

Members who breach the rules will be subject to sanctions, which can include timeout bans or permabans.


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## hazelm (Dec 18, 2020)

Lance Mannion said:


> a
> I suppose this is different for every individual, but if it were me, I'd be drawing the line at 3 marriages and start working on the unresolved anger and other feelings she has.
> 
> I seriously doubt that a better guy is going to step forward to be her 4th husband,, so it's either life as a divorcee or start coming to terms with this marriage and working on it.
> ...


This is certainly how I was thinking about it. I can't see how it's a fault to want to learn to recognize and to work on your own shortcomings. And just to clarify, I would not move back just to be near my adult children, but in my way of thinking I never imagined I would be leaving the only place that I think of as home.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

hazelm said:


> This is certainly how I was thinking about it. I can't see how it's a fault to want to learn to recognize and to work on your own shortcomings. And just to clarify, I would not move back just to be near my adult children, but in my way of thinking I never imagined I would be leaving the only place that I think of as home.


Your original post describing how you felt didn't sound like you were thinking about it this way...
I want to clarify for YOU that it's perfectly ok if you DO want to move back to be near your adult children, and you don't need to justify to anyone on here what YOU want or what you end up doing for your own happiness. What you are getting are varied OPINIONS, nothing anyone says should be taken by you as what is right for YOU. 

None of the posters have been through what you are going through, nor will they have to live with the consequences of your choices like you do...so take everything you read as a guide ONLY. You have EVERY right to pursue whatever path you want to for your own sense of fulfillment and happiness...and it doesn't matter one tiny speck what anyone else on here, or anywhere, thinks of what you choose to do.

Make your choices based on what YOU need to be happy - because you deserve it!!!


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## hazelm (Dec 18, 2020)

Most of the replies I received in response to my OP were hyper-responsive in nature and based on incorrect assumptions. I am certainly not in an abusive relationship, and to assume that based on your own experience is sad, but also biased and judgmental. This lopsided thinking will taint any advice you give, as it clearly has in this case. Marriage is the most sacred commitment one will ever make in this life, and to suggest that I should just walk away from it because my husband bought a house I didn't want or to get my own way is to advise me to be frivolous and selfish. This would be acceptable if we were talking about my boyfriend instead of marriage. Some have unwisely suggested to me, a woman who is trying to work on her third marriage, that I do not have communication issues.......And this makes sense how?... I would suggest that every single person can continue to work on good communication. I agree with the poster who said that a better guy is not going to step up to be my 4th husband, NOR DO I WANT HIM TO! I love my husband very much, and he is, in fact (not just in my head), a wonderful person. He does have some shortcomings, because apparently the women on this forum have already snapped up all of the perfect men, forcing the rest of us to make due with the leftovers! You don't divorce someone for their shortcomings, you try to work through it. I was hoping to get some pointers here, but perhaps I was too vague as some have suggested. It's no matter, because most of the posters here do not have the skills or knowledge to give this kind of help or advice. 

Please, for the love of all things good and beautiful in this world, get off of this forum! You are likely harming many relationships that could be healed. Most of you do not have the common sense or skill set for this kind of work (yes, marriage is work) and are not able to separate your own experiences from the situation. Go join a yoga class or something where you can find peace.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

(i) If the state is a community property state (property is owned in common by *husband*and *wife*), then both *husband* and *wife* must *sign documents* (*mortgage*, rescission and TIL).
...
By admin.

STATE*TENNESSEE*COMMUNITY PROPERTYNoDOWERNoHOMESTEADYes*SPOUSE* MUST *SIGN*Yes
49 more columns
•
Feb 26, 2012


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

@hazelm - Sorry you found our advice lacking. I dunno ... I think I've got a great deal of common sense, but you certainly don't have to agree with my self-assessment. The thing is, you came to this forum asking for advice from everyday people, not professional counselors. I'd suggest you talk it over with a counselor. Perhaps your husband would be amenable to marriage counseling.

Sorry if we wasted your time. Best of luck with whatever path you choose.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Lance Mannion said:


> REDACTED BY MODERATION TEAM.


I could explain myself better, because there is more to what I mean than what you are interpreting from it, but all that does is create another thread jack with us arguing, because you refuse to listen or understand...and that's ok, but I'm NOT feeding your argumentative haughtiness...unless you want to start your own thread about it.

All I will say is...I am RIGHT, and YOU are WRONG.


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

LisaDiane said:


> I could explain myself better, because there is more to what I mean than what you are interpreting from it, but all that does is create another thread jack with us arguing, because you refuse to listen or understand...and that's ok, but I'm NOT feeding your argumentative haughtiness...unless you want to start your own thread about it.
> 
> All I will say is...I am RIGHT, and YOU are WRONG.


You're a sassy girl.


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