# Is it real or in my head?



## Lostmind30 (Sep 26, 2010)

I've been lurking for a few weeks now trying to figure out what to do with my life. My H and I have been married 12 yr together for 14. He's 30, I'm 31. We have a daug-11yr and son-7yr. We both work full time, but in July he was changed to night shift from approx 4:30p to 4:30a S-Th. I am 8-4:30p M-F. I would like to say that the night shift is when this all started, but it wasn't. I started having doubts about my husband's devotion to me about 6 months ago. I let it go for about 4 months and then started digging because I just couldn't stand it any longer. This is what I came up with

#1- For the first time in 12 years, you didn't tell me you love me after making love. This didn't happen once but the last two times we made love and I have even been trying to turn you on more and excite things. 
#2- You no longer say I look good when I dress up for you, you say "that's fine"
#3- You no longer get aroused by being around me, I have to arouse you.
#4- You've started criticizing me which you have never done. My cooking, my weight, etc
#5- You have erratic hours of work which don't make sense. Yes I understand you are overwhelmed..but is that because of you living two outside lives instead of one?
#6- Excessive female friends and comments back and forth on face book. 
#7- You are appearing nicer just to go to work..cologne, shaved, etc
#8- You don't look me in the eyes anymore. You glance around me and talk to my back
#9- Phone calls to numbers that last longer than our conversations and occur on non work days like Sat or Sun during the morning. They aren't on your phone list for work
#10- Lunches out where you are obviously paying for two. I haven't seen any cash in your wallet so why aren't they paying you back unless it is you out with a female?

I wrote him a two page letter and gave it to him with all of this plus some on it. I should have just confronted him face to face to watch the reaction, but emotionally I couldn't plus our schedule only allows for two days of face to face. When he read it, he woke me up that morning and asked what was wrong with me. He said that I must be going through one of my phases again. Now I admit that I get bouts of depression, but they are usually nothing more than me not wanting to do physical activities nothing usually mental. I told him that I was not depressed, that this is not in my mind. He stated that he was not cheating on me although he has had the chance, the numbers on his phone were work related and that he has been overly stressed at work which has caused the other issues. He said he buys lunch for some of the guys at work when he goes out which is why there are receipts for more than one meal at a time. He says he has been dressing up in order to "Dress for success". My issue with all of this is the fact that he was angry not remorseful or upset that I was upset. 

I just find this to be too many coincidences in my opinion. Now as far as me...I do have a low sex drive, but we always make time at least once a week to make love. With him being on the night shift it has been harder, but we have still made time. I've even tried to improve it by buying some new toys and outfits since we haven't been seeing each other as much. Now I have found out since snooping trying to find the truth, that he has been watching porn almost every day. I have no problem with porn as a device for couples to enhance their sex life, but I always thought we watched it together, not him by himself. I do have an issue with it because I do have a low self image and it bothers me. I told him about this and decided a mutual way to fix this was to make our own movie which he has seemed to enjoy, but that only solved one problem. I reviewed the phone and credit card bills and all of a sudden all random activity has stopped. It's just odd to me that if he wasn't doing anything wrong then why has it all just stopped? 

Well the whole reason I am here today is because of last night. We were about to make love when I noticed that he had a bruise on his scrotum. I was giving him a hand job and asked him if he noticed anything or did anything to cause it. He said no. Well when I looked closer, it looked like a hickey. There was an obvious oval shape to it the size of a mouth. At that point my heart just dropped. We made love or should I say we got off, but there was not love there from me. I couldn't breathe, I wanted to bust out crying and yelling and still he acts no different. How can he keep lying to me or how can these suspicious issues keep popping up if this is all in my head as he says. I have broken down at work where my boss had to send me home. I have been throwing up all the time due to my stomach being nervous due to this. I am physically and mentally spent and have no idea what to do. I love him. He has been my life and my best friend for the last 14 years of my life, but at the same time. I can't imagine him being with or in another woman. I want to kill him each time I think of that. I know that debates the love I have for him but it is the betrayal I feel and the hate for this invisible other person. 

I am at a loss. I can't handle much more, but I don't know how to find the truth. If I believe him that it is all stress from work and coincidence, then I am likely a fool who will be tossed aside for a fling and hurt worse by the betrayal. If it is the truth and I act against it, then I could be losing my soul mate for nothing. I want to know the truth....but how? How do I convince myself that it is all nothing and that it's all stuff I'm connecting in my head? If it is true....how do I move on mentally?

I am terribly sorry for the length of this, but I wanted to get it all out. I had to get it all out so I could breath. I hope someone has some words of help for me. Thank you to everyone who takes the time to read this.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Look at it this way, right now you feel like grap, and you will  feel this way until something changes, so the change you are looking for is the truth about your H activities. Once the truth comes out you will feel better in one way but also feel hurt in other ways, so you will still feel like grap. So go for it, find out what you need to know and dont ask him, that wont satisfy you.
Your intuition already tells you that something is going on, what you need is proof. Do your research and get the information that you need to move past the "your crazy phase" and move on to repairing your marriage.


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## Lostmind30 (Sep 26, 2010)

God, I wish it was that easy. I have tried to find things. I found the phone numbers from our bill and the receipts for the meals from our credit card, but he has his own lap top from work that I can't get into and we don't have text messing. I just don't know what else to do to find the truth. Today he woke up to get ready for work and never looked me in the eyes. He gave me a hug on his way out the door and said he loved me, but he was so distant and I think it was because of last night. 

I can't follow him because I can't leave the kids at home alone, but I swear that whatever is going on is taking place at his work. He complains to me about how bad it is there, but then he is always in a rush to get there?? This past Friday he said he had a training session that was supposed to be from 8am-12pm. So instead of coming home at 4:30a when he got off work (he works 18 mins from home) he says he's just gonna stay up there and do some reports. Maybe I'm paranoid or just selfish, but since he has a laptop from work why not come home, see me and the kids before we leave for the day and do your work here? My mind is telling me that I know why...her. 

Why does he continue to lie though. I just can't imagine what benefit he is getting from not telling me the truth other than trying to hurt me. He knows I am suffering everyday. He has tried a couple of times to be close to me since I came out and asked him, but even those times have not been "real". I am just lost...

Thanks for the replies.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I beleive our wayward spouse's think that they are spearing us the pain by not being honest. You know, the "what they don't know won't hurt them" grap. But when they stay out all night or continue to stay away from the house it still hurts.
I hope you can find some way to gather the information you need.
If only you had a family member or one of your kids friends moms to take care of them while you take a look around.A another way is the most expensive way, hiring a PI. Go on line there may be some cheaper alturnatives in finding out what our husband is up to.


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## Lostmind30 (Sep 26, 2010)

How did everyone else here go about finding out? I know some people were probably just blind sided and told out and out, but for those who had their gut instinct and minor evidence...How did you find out and how did you decide what to do next? I just can't think past this moment. I am spending ever moment hung up on the thoughts. My kids have even started noticing which is what I don't want, but at the same time, I can't stop.


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## anonymus (Sep 21, 2010)

I would think finding out evidence is of paramount importance rigth now. Yes a PI may be expensive but it will solve a lot of questions on your part. Usually ur gut feeling is usually right. I knew that my husband was up to something when

1. He started insisting on sleeping in the lounge
2. When he was so uncaring, distant
3. When he started coming home later and later
4. When his phone was suddenly out of bounds
etc etc

Anyway when I suspected abt his EA affair, i told him so, and he denied countless times saying that I was being paranoid and how he would never do that since he was a 'christian'

Anyway one day I woke up got in the lounge were he sleeps, took the phone that was on the charger....
Went in the bathroom and locked myself in and started looking. I got my evidence from his phone, confronted him...he didn't deny it and wasn't willing to end the EA until I contacted the other woman's husabnd.
Long story short we are trying to work things out. You can read my story on 'Is this the end of my marriage'


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Unfortunately, your gut feeling on this one is probably right. You really need to find solid evidence to ease your mind and confront your husband with. It is very common for a wayward spouse to deny and be angry you even suspect anything. I even had rock solid evidence on my husband and he still denied everything--for almost two years.

Hiring a PI is definitely the easiest way to gather evidence. However, it is expensive. You may want to pull your (& husband's) credit report. If he has a secret credit card account it will show on there. Also, run one of those "people searches" on your husband. It will show other addresses he is using--like where another credit card bill is being sent--if he has one. Do you have receipts from some of those lunches he paid for? If so, you may go to the restaurant and even ask the server some questions. As for the phone numbers, either "Google them" or have someone call one of those numbers. You might also find something by searching your husband's car or wallet. Perhaps a family member or friend could even follow him. I know some TAM forum members have even used GPS tracking devices and/or key loggers to gather evidence. 

I'm also wondering if your husband's work schedule change was merely by coincidence. Are you close to anyone he works with or any of his friends? Sometimes you can gather information by having a chat with a spouse's co-worker or family member. It's funny how stories don't match up. For example, my husband kept telling me he was visiting with his family all those weekends. He got busted at our son's graduation. His mother told him he really needed to come visit them--they hadn't seen him in six months. What?! He got busted again!

I really hope you find some evidence and soon. This stage can cause one to question ones own sanity. Hang in there!


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## Lostmind30 (Sep 26, 2010)

Thank you all for the support. 
Well so far I have searched the phone and found a couple of numbers that were odd. One said it was our son's school, but I know it wasn't. I called and a woman picked up. I asked her how she knew the number I was calling from and she said she didn't and hung up. I tried to use on of those number look up searches, but all the numbers in his cell are other cell numbers and the searches don't work on those. I am tied when it comes to spending any money because he controls ALL of the money. I can't carry cash and everything has to be credit card. He monitors this constantly. He is anal when it comes to managing our money. He also goes over board on organization. I have searched his car, jacket and pants pockets, shoes, entire closet, and other than finding more of the same things....receipts for multiple lunches and odd phone numbers, there is nothing. 

I swear the key is hidden in his laptop. I tried to watch the last time he logged in, but all I have is the username, not the password. Apparently it is something that was set up from work and not something he commonly uses. I did leave one thing out of the first message that I did put in his original confrontation letter...I did find extenze pills. Apparently they are a prolonging/growth pill that he had purchased without my knowledge. I did find them finally in an old book bag he had stuffed into the closet. When I did research on them, the web site said they come in a box of 25, but he had used more than 15 and I know we had not had intercourse that many times since he had bought them. I took them all and flushed them down the toliet. Not the smartest thing, but it was a moment of anger. Anyway other than those, the phone numbers which I am not getting any closer to unlocking, and the receipts...I am just sitting and waiting on him to screw up right now. 

And it is killing me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do you have a friend who can follow him? With a camera?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

For some extra cash, find something that he or you won't miss and go to a pawn shop. Jewelry and power tools are best but they pretty much take any thing. 

Then you may beable to get some tech. stuff like a flash drive and get something off the lap top, mission impossible style. If your gut tells you its all on the lap top then start stashing the doe and do some research with regard to pulling out that info. 
Good luck and stay low key about your investigation. You screwed up on that phone call, he may be more cautious. I know its hard to control those feelings but you need to be covert on this or he'll alway deny.
My thought is, if he thinks you've cooled off on his trail, then he most likely will screw up. It will take time because he so organized. I was lucky, my wife left every thing out and it was a matter of me actualy giving a grap about her and wanting to make a change in our relationship. 
Remamber stay calm it will all come out, it always does.


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## LilBit35 (Sep 27, 2010)

Ok I hate to say this but if you are questioning anything and find yourself having to look for the truth then he more than likely is! I know just reading this is making your heart skip a beat and you want to just run and hide....Don't....I have been there I am still there, do not believe him until you know you have all the information...remember if he is having a affair he has already lied to you and more than likely to this other woman...he is a liar! I do not know how many times I asked my husband and he said NO...Even after I had proof he told me I was nuts and then I would ask him questions about it and he would lie and then I decided to go to the source the OW...she was able to fill in all the details that he wouldnt....and I even gave him the chance to fess up after I knew the details and he would lie until I got very specific and asked yes or no questions and called him out everytime he lied...He said he didnt want to hurt me more...Well TO LATE! 
My story is a really long one but just to give you a little bit of my world I am 35 my husband is 39, OW 25 they worked togeather and that is were it all began....It had been a EA for some time maybe a year as far back as I can track it....It turned into a PA in Feb of this year and ended in May I didnt even question it til July when I started hearing stuff that was being said....then I started looking and kept looking....It was all right there the whole time I just trusted my husband....dont get me wrong it was not a happy marriage and we did not have a good marriage at that point but a part of me wanted to believe that no matter what he would honor his word and ask me for a Divorce and give me a choice before he had a A but he did not he also did not come and tell me that it had happened or that it had ended! 
Ok so this is how I found out....he left his phone on the couch I scooped it up and looked in it...there was a name with intials only so I looked at it the ring tone was "Addicted" I took the phone left the house and called the number....yes she answered and I asked her if she was having a affair with my husband and she said no that it had been over for 3 weeks....well I thaught my husband and I had been trying to work on our marriage for 6...she said she ended it because he was jealous...um really cause he had a wife? He even asked this girl to marry him...um hello he is still married... I dono I went through it all he lied up til I told him if you lie I will find it and I have...if it is something I dont believe I look until I know its the truth or until I find the lie and I dont back down...
It pissed him off that I was able to uncover all his lies and I can tell you I didnt spend a penny....Its there just look....its there trust me!
If you dont find anything then your bad if you do be prepared it is going to suck bigger than life! Hang on it will only get worse and I dont say any of this to scare you...it really sucks! But try and tell yourself you didnt do this and you have a choice.
I would like to say we are working on it but I asked him to move out last Monday and the big D looks like it might happen....just be prepared!


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## Lostmind30 (Sep 26, 2010)

First I'd like to thank you all for your replies. As painful as some are to read, they do help. 
*
the guy:* Thank you very much for your suggestions. I am following up on some ideas and hope they pan out. As much as I don't want to know the truth in my heart, I have to know the truth in my head. I appreciate the support and encouragement. 

*anonymus: *Thank you for letting me in on some of the ways you were alerted. I am going to pay more attention to the little things and see if it turn anything up. 

*827*: Unfortunately, I don't know anyone at his work. He has only been there just over a year and I have yet to meet anyone. The shift change was something that occurred due to company realignment. They demoted the night manager due to shifty ethics and they coaxed H into going to nights by making him believe they were grooming him for the manager position. He always puts his work aspiration ahead of us and unfortunately, being a manager is his top priority right now. He says its due to money, but I know it is just due to the title. To this date the company has yet to start grooming him and they have even posted the job online now for outside applicants so.... all for nothing. 

*Turnera: *No , pathetically enough, I basically isolated and lost all of my friends long ago. We have been together since I was 17, got pg at 18 married and in college at 19 so it has just been me and H since 1997. He has been my best friend and soul mate until now. I don't really get along with other women due to the fact that I don't like drama and out of respect for H I don't have any more of my guy friends. Basically it is me, the kids and a few online ladies that I speak to on a pogo games that I play. 

*the guy:* I would love to take you up on your idea of the pawn shop, but honestly we don't have anything of value. Most of the stuff in our home was given to us by family or is second hand items that we bought. H does not believe in buying new things unless we have to. Which I don't fault him for. He has kept us out of debt many time when we should have been drowning all through his management of our money. Hence the reason I never see it. My check goes into the bank and all I know is I have my credit card that I use. When we are close to our limits each month he tells me and I have to decide what is important and what can wait. Unfortunately the chance to save is not there because I never see it. 

*LilBit: *Thank you! It hurt like he** to read your reply, but it did make me think. I keep thinking that maybe I am wrong that maybe it is all in my head and he was telling the truth.... and Lord knows I wish that were true, but at the same time it just doesn't make sense. One a man turns 180 degrees from the person he was in just 6 months and then has these little issues pop up about the same time?? It's just too much. I went back and tracked when the odd numbers started showing up on his cell phone and when he started going out to eat and it was all around the same time that the behavior changed. He used to fuss at me all the time about going out to eat lunch at work, but all of a sudden now he is doing it? It's all the little things, plus the big things like finding those pills that just make me freak out. Oh and then there is the record keeping. I did find a, um- I guess it is one of those day planner yearly calendars on it that actually had the nights circled where we had made love on it in addition to my monthly cycle underlined. I mean WT? 

I didn't think that once a week or possible 4-5 times a month was that bad for a couple with off shift hours and two kids. I keep thinking that because I was too tired that he cheated? I just keep wandering if it is all about sex or is it something emotional that I didn't realize or just what. I thought we had a good marriage. We barely ever fought. I mean I can count on one hand the number of times we have yelled at each other in the past 3-4 years. I am not boring in bed, nor do I push his needs aside. I just don't know anymore what the issue could be and that and the lying is making me question my sanity most days. 

I plan on continuing my pursuit and hopefully I will discover the truth. I am going to take everyone's advice though and kinda keep things as normal as possible to see if he will slip up. I hate to face this despair everyday wondering what if and so forth, but I have to know for sure before I just abandon everything on a whim. Until then, I am trying to read up as much as I can about separation and how to move on. 

*Thank you all again for the support and replies. It really helps to get on here and have someone to talk with about all of this or even just read about. I am grateful for that*.


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## Lostmind30 (Sep 26, 2010)

Ok so how's this for a loop. About 30 mins ago my H calls me from work and says that it is going to be a long night and that he is going to come home since he did not get to see me before he left for work. Now normally I get home about 10 mins before he leaves but today I had to go by the store. Anyway, He comes home, warms up some left over dinner sits down beside me (I'm at the desk doing some over due work) and he starts talking to me. Just random issues that are going on at work. I thought about just stopping in and asking WT?, but I didn't I just listened. He then tells me that he is going to start working on his resume in the morning and wants to know if I can help. 
I tell him yeah that I would help and guess what....OMG I about pee'd myself. He says that he went online today and started looking for us a weekend getaway so we could relax and spend some time together. 
Now this is all coming out of left field and here I am already confused out of my mind.... ok now what? 
Can I assume that once I confronted him that maybe he thought about everything and has stopped? 
Can one only hope it to be this easy or am I just another sitting duck......any advice?
I mean things hit rock bottom for me just this past Friday and now all of a sudden this? I need some pills or something to clear my head cause right now it is spinning out of control.....HELP PLEASE!


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

At best he may have repented and wants to make amends. On the other hand, he is still cheating and is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.

I have to say there is always the possibility that he was never cheating to begin with, but if I were you I'd keep looking for evidence just in case.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Hmmmm....Here's a thought. Perhaps he was having an affair with someone at work and broke it off. That would explain the sudden need for a resume. Keep you eyes open.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

827Aug said:


> Hmmmm....Here's a thought. Perhaps he was having an affair with someone at work and broke it off. That would explain the sudden need for a resume. Keep you eyes open.


I dont post on this forum that often, but have experience with affairs. First off, glad he is taking interest again. It could be he was having an affair at work and thats why he needs to go elsewhere... I mean you called a number and another unknown woman answered! You actually have proof enough for your needs, but not to accuse him with. 

He could be acting extra interested bc he is still involved with the affair and wants to cover it... its very common to shower with affection to try to hide an affair, or simply bc the affair makes him happier and feel more loving in general (my husband was more loving, first, and then he grew way distant and bitter and reactive). On the other hand...

He could be remorseful and wanting to renew with you, so go with it. If you question it, he will stop trying altogether.


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## LilBit35 (Sep 27, 2010)

Ok so I am gonna bet they either had a fIght..broke up..or were caught at work! 
Go away with him if you feel like the two of you need this...rememeber he is still YOUR husband. Let him take you away if you can handle it! Let him see that your still a wonderful person, theres nothing wrong with that!
The A is in trouble I am going to guess so he needs a escape...yes you are the his backup plan. I wish for the best but like I said I have been through this all and will help in any way I can!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you don't have any friends...why not?!

If you are that attached to him, how do I say this without sounding bad? We want what we can't have. If someone is attached at the hip to us, we take them for granted. We don't care about them as much. They bore us. 

You need to have your own life. Not to take over your time, but to have your life as an individual. It makes you more appealing, more attractive, more desirable, because you show him by going out with friends or having play dates for the kids, whatever, that you CAN survive without him. 

A little mystery goes a long way.

Look at what it's done for him. Now you can't stop thinking about him.

Find a bunco club, or a library meeting, or something!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

13 years ago I told my wife she was misbehaving and that her "girls night out" had to stop. She did and it was good for a few years. but we never addressed her infidelity.
So moving on.
Even though this new development is good news for both of you and the marriage, but be warn. it will happen again b/c it is not addressed, so take this oppertunity to stay quitely focused on his activites and use this resume thing to get into the laptop. 
His past behavior will be in the back of your mind, there by setting up some small wall in repairing you marriage. Can you say resentment

This time you may not want to continue on your quest for the truth, b/c thing will be good. So with out any evidence he will deny any cheating, and you will move on together, until it starts up again. Sorry
Good luck.


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## Deb1234 (May 31, 2009)

First off....I'm sorry you're having to go thru this and I hope you get it cleared up soon.

Second, I have to second that if you think there's something going on, then there probably is. Go with your gut and if he's 180'd, it's for a reason. I second that something happened with the other woman and he's turned back to you. If he's done it once and thinks he's gotten away with it, he will do it again. I'm sorry, but it's just a matter of time. 

I caught my husband by purchasing an internet spyware program called spectorpro. It costs about $100 now, but it hides itself perfectly on the computer and only you will be able to pull up what it records and it records EVERYTHING. If you really have no access to $$, then borrow some from a family member or find it somehow and get a program on his laptop. You have to know if you're right or not or you will never be able to stop thinking about it.

Good luck.


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## Lostmind30 (Sep 26, 2010)

Well I guess all good things are short lived...I am being tossed in so many directions that I am surprised I don't have whiplash. 

First I apologize for taking so long to get back with yall, but our power has been out all night. 
Ok well this morning I thought..It was going to be a great day. After H's little episode last night being actually sweet and caring, I woke up to breakfast. He actually made me some breakfast. This is like an unheard of thing since he NEVER cooks. I thought like many of you had said, that things maybe were better left alone and just continue on with ignorant bliss. 

That was until tonight. First, we had power for a while so I went online and checked out the spyware program...yes I know I am wrong to spy on him, but I have to do something. Anyway I checked the system and it showed that he had added some girl that he had gone to school with on his friends list to facebook. Now we had already talked about this once and I have an issue with it. Maybe it's selfish or not, but he has over 400 friends on facebook and out of those 400 I'd swear that 300+ are female. Now that wouldn't bother me if they were just game buddies or so forth, but some of them he is constantly commenting and messaging to. I have never found anything sexual, but many are kinda personal. So there was the first issue of the night. 

The second was when our power went out. I had told H that I was going to cook some supper and leave him a left over plate in the fridge if he wanted to come home later and get it. Well since I didn't have power to cook, I called him to let him know that he needed to go out to eat. Now normally I would have had to leave a voice mail because the warehouse where he works does not have cell reception for our carrier, but behold...he answered. When he answered he didn't say hello or any normal greeting...instead he said "What's wrong?" Well I went ahead and told him but the whole time I was paying attention the background. Not one sound was made. He works in a distribution warehouse. Any other time he has called from the work phone, there have been forklifts or guys talking, but this time....nothing. 

I made a comment that it was weird that he was able to get the call and he just say yeah I guess so. Now I have to say I don't understand how anyone can stay sane going through this type of situation. Right now I have taken one zanax and one lexapro just to keep my anxiety attack down. My body is still so tense though that I feel like just screaming. Oh and yeah I did have to go to dr. to get pills last week to help control my emotions just so I could work. My boss was not happy about me sitting my office and crying all day while trying to work. 

Anyway for the moment I feel like I am back at square one. I guess this is just like what toolate and many of you have said...just acting nice to cover up the guilt or squash my suspicions. I can't believe I had a ray of hope this morning. Now I am wondering I even need to consider a trip with him. He told me this morning to request certain dates off from work, but I mean really. How can I enjoy a "romantic" weekend if I am stuck wondering who else he has been "enjoying" while I have been left at home hurting. 

Oh and turnera, I would like to take you up on your suggestions, but here's the thing... with H working nite S-Th and me working days M-F, I have no one to watch the kids in order to make friends and do my own thing. My son is classified as slow learning disability. He doesn't have any true handicaps, but his social skills are that of a 4-5yr old and he is 7. This results in him having no friends so I can't really do a parents group because of this and unfortunately it has driven away a few playmates and their parents due to their kids not liking him. One thing though, I am in no way attached to H's hip it has always been the other way around. I am usually with the kids or indulging in a warm bath with a good book. He has always been the one attached to my hip, hence the reason I noticed the change 6 months ago. He was not so clingy and needy. I have often thought that maybe that was part of the reason all of this has occurred. Maybe I was pushing him away by not watching that movie with him or not going to sleep the same time he did. 

Anyway I have once again written a small book so I guess this is enough for tonight. I am going to go clean the house some more and I guess try to relax a little bit. I just can't seem to want to sleep even though my body needs it. 

I'd like to thank everyone once again though for your comments and helping me to keep things real in my head. It has killed me today going from hot to cold in a seconds time and all of yall's advice has helped me tremendously. I appreciate it greatly.


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## Deb1234 (May 31, 2009)

If you don't think he's at work, call over to the main business line and see if he's there. If he's not...well, then you know he's not there. If he is..tell him you weren't sure you would get him again on his cell since the reception is so crappy and let him know the power has just come back on or something else you think he might want to know about. 

Whatever you do, DON'T let him know about the spyware. 
There were so many times after the first time that I almost told my husband about it because things were going so well, but I'm glad now that I didn't because if I had, I would never have known about the second time a whole year later.

And don't feel bad about the spying. You're married to this person and you should be able to share anything and everything with the person you're married to, and that goes both ways. Besides, you need to know, it's not in your head.


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## Lostmind30 (Sep 26, 2010)

Deb- thank you for the support. I do feel bad about doing it, but I do need to know as well. 

About the phone issue though, I can't call to his work. Since he works night, there is no one there to answer the calls. They all get directed to a voice mail system. The only time I get calls from him are when he calls from the break room or floor phone which are outgoing only lines. I tried that a while back and never could find out an extension that anyone answered at night. When he calls from any of those phones, it only lists the company's main number on ID. There are so many things working against me that I just feel like pulling my hair out. 

I wanted to jump in my car and drive over there, but it really would do no good. The parking lot is in the back of the building and there is a guard posted there so I probably would have been confronted, but dang it I was so worked up and still am. I am just sick to my stomach and so mentally drained it is just killing me. I mean how can someone be so bipolar to go from loving, caring, devoted one minute to lying, cheating, scum the next. 

Of course I am the one taking it. I am the one who got their hopes up over such a small token of affection after everything else. I just love him so much and despite what my head is telling me every moment of every day, my heart still says there's hope.


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## Deb1234 (May 31, 2009)

I've been there and I'm so sorry. I lost weight, had trouble sleeping and my health suffered all from not being able to stop thinking about it all and the why was the hardest part. I think even worst than that though, would be not knowing. Do you think you can call his work when he is sleeping (to speak to an actual person) and get an after-hours number? You can say that you need it for emergency purposes and that would be a very legitimate reason. I know it wouldn't do anything for tonight but it might be nice to have another night.

I know it sucks but it sounds like you have already given this alot of thought and considered all the angles and just need to wait for that computer program to do it's job. It was so hard for me to do that, but I did, and sadly, it paid off for me. I hope, in time, it pays off for you in a different direction.

I was so relieved when I finally found this website. It is so much easier for me to talk to strangers who have gone thru similar situations than it would ever be to talk to a stranger who was only talking to me because they were getting paid to. Please feel free to drop me a personal message anytime you need to and I will try to get back asap.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I hear you on the kids thing, but honestly, you are making excuses. There are always ways to make friends...if you wanted to.

Right now, it seems like you could use some.


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## Lostmind30 (Sep 26, 2010)

Well I have probably crossed a line. I let yesterday just kinda sink in and was in a numb state. Since H asked, I worked on his resume and had it ready for him this morning. Well.....
I found out through the pc program that he came home around 4am this morning and got right onto facebook. Now this is not abnormal for him, he has become obsessed lately with it. The abnormal part was that he was searching through friends of friends and just adding people. At first it was harmless, people he went to school with and so forth. Well then I found one that was a girl-3 yrs younger than me that he added. On her photos though were pictures of her in a thong turned around backwards to show her butt and other pics similar. The problem was that he came in right as I was pulling her profile up and looking at it. I thought he was outside with the kids waiting on the bus. Anyway, he acted um..not mad, but stern about me being on his page. Well I then just popped. I didn't show him the keytracker, but I did ask him why the F** did he add some H** to his friends list on facebook. 

Now that is not normally me. So I don't know if it was the shock that I totally went off cursing and so forth or what, but he said he added her because he thought they went to school together and he didn't know she had those photos on there. Well of course that just pushed me further. I turned around after that lame excuse and proceeded to get ready to leave. He came to the bathroom where I was putting my make up on and said he was sorry and that he deleted her. 

That of course did nothing for me. It was the fact that I know from the keylogger that he did see those photos and added her anyway and that he lied about it. I didn't talk to him again til I left. At that point I simply said bye and left. He kept calling me off and on all morning. Now here's the thing. He had to work tonight and I know he was up til after noon. What he was doing I have no idea, but the keylogger had him off the pc around 10am. He called me at 12:30 though because the school called bout our son...he had an injury from another boy- pure accident. Anyway he called to let me know and all I said the whole time was how is (our son) and that was it. I ended the call with bye again. 

Well when it came time for him to wake up this afternoon at 4pm, he didn't want to wake up....yeah I wonder why. Now yall might say what's the big deal that he stayed up so long....well if he stays up late on Thursdays, then he will be exhausted when he comes home tomorrow and he will force himself to stay up til about 10 or so then he will sleep all day. That means one of the only 2 nights that we have to spend together, he will be asleep or in a pissy mood. 

Now so far this evening, I haven't had any calls from him and I haven't called him. I am still so pissed about the event this morning on facebook wondering just how many others there are out there, that I am going through all 400+ friends of his and looking at their profiles. Is this sane? 

Anyway, this is where I am at now. I am more upset than usual, behind on my work due to emotional turmoil, can't focus on the kids because I am worrying all the time and now I beginning to change from upset and worried to just straight up pissed. I went ahead and made plans Saturday and Sunday to go to my grandparents about an hour away just so I can get away from him. He actually has to work Saturday morning on call so that is another reason I am even more pissed about him staying up late. Even before I made plans to get away from him, He was making plans to get away from me....by sleeping the weekend away. 

It feels like I have no options available to me to try to even work things out when he is this way.....what would yall suggest?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Continue to snoop for a couple weeks. If you don't find anything, assume he's just unhappy. Work on that. We can help.

If you do find something, let us know, and we can tell you what to do.

In the meantime, get the book His Needs Her Needs and learn about how to protect a marriage. Educate yourself.

And find a way to make some friends.


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