# Isn't 3:30am enough time?



## Contemplating (Feb 20, 2010)

My H and I are strong believers of having time apart from one another and just hanging out with our friends a couple of nights a month. We seldom do anything big, just really hang out at bars and talk. We sometimes run into one another and that's fine. We'll usually hang out for a few minutes and then one of us will leave. We have set curfew times...we have to be home by 3:30am. This gives us plenty of time to wind down and bring everyone home before heading home ourselves. 

Here's where the problem comes into play...I am almost always home in time. If I'm running a few minutes late (usually because my friends and I decided to get breakfast), I'll call or text him to let him know that I'm going to be late. However, he is very often late, and most times won't call or text, or if he does, it's only because he's already late. I think that I give him plenty of time, so why is he constantly late? Last night, or should I say a few hours ago, he was 30 minutes late. Again, no call or text. When I called him, he said that he had just turned on his phone ("I must have accidentally shut it off when it was in my pocket") and said that he was running late because he was asked to bring someone home that he wasn't planning on. It's just that there is always an excuse and he never sees it as a big problem. 

Most of his friends are single and younger than him. My H's soon to be 32 and we want to start a family, but I'm starting to have doubts...about the marriage, never mind having children. I have brought up counseling, but he doesn't think we need it. There have been times when I've been so upset and numb (because it's happened so many times and I have heard it all, yet the next month, it's back to the same story) that we've gone days without speaking. We've been together for 12 yrs, but married for 3. Any suggestions as how I can get through to him?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Just my opionion, but being married and wanting to separate in bars with him hanging out with a bunch of single men sounds like inviting TOO MUCH TEMPTATION to me. I think if you both enjoy the bar scene, you should hang together -with friends, not be separating. 

I would be upset also, but more so , if asking this of him would cramp his style, and he has a problem with it in the future. IF this REALLY upsets you & he has a history of doing this -being late, I would imagine it will most likely continue. 

Do you feel something is going on ? 


Sounds like you are both accustomed to acting more like singles, could be asking for disaster if Your husband is a "flirter" with a high sex drive. 

Just my thoughts.


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## sadbear26 (Feb 16, 2010)

hey there take it from a guy here. am going through a similar situation here but reversed. my wife wants a divorce im 35 shes 25 been married 4 yrs no kids usual problems. with a few exceptions. i have cancer her mom passed to name a few. but however as i have never gone outside our marriage or ever could i have proof that she has. i havent confronted her yet, but given your situation i know as a guy that hes taking advantage of your agreement and unfortuantely doing somethings he shouldnt be. is there a way you could have someone check up on him without him knowing while your both out doing ur thing? to see when he leaves to go home and where he goes in between? im sorry to say it like this to you but as a guy, im telling you to guard your heart ok?
sadbear26


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## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

I think it's incredibly dangerous to say you "know" anything based on a single message board post.

Your agreement strikes me as odd though I have never really been a night-owl. Given your agreement, I'd be more concerned if his tardiness were really habitual - so, is this something that's happened a few times or does it happen ALL the time?

I'd also point out that I think it's odd for married people to be going out to clubs etc, separately, with lots of single friends, to party the night away. But I recognize that when I was single and clubbing a bit, I didn't always go out to hook up. So who really knows?

To me it sounds like you guys need to have a really frank conversation about what's going on in your marriage. I suspect that you're upset not about his tardiness, but instead about his apparent disregard for your feelings. The conversation starts with you guys figuring out how to treat each other with perhaps a bit more tenderness, care, and concern. As in, putting each other first even when you're spending your separate time.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

> I'd also point out that I think it's odd for married people to be going out to clubs etc, separately, with lots of single friends, to party the night away


I so agree.

I think it's a matter of maturing, of realizing that the 'fun' - via drinking and clubbing - part of your life was the life of a single person. That you are now married, and it is your _responsibility_ as a married person to decide - together - to find NEW ways to have fun. Ways that don't involve alcohol and the opposite sex.

IMO, it's time to have 'that' talk - that you love him, and want a future with him, but it won't work if he still wants to behave like a single person. Tell him YOU are ready to replace the clubbing with other activities, and you are going to assume he will be too, if he really wants to be married, and most certainly you'll assume so if you're going to bring kids into the picture, so let's sit down and come up with some other ways to hang out with our friends. Sports, organizations, classes, projects, volunteering, business ventures...be creative, and positive.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

My husband and I go out all the time to clubs 'til 3 am. We're going out tonight. But we do it TOGETHER. Doing it separately isn't something I want to do and neither does he. If you were doing this all together it would eliminate the problem of you having to act like his mother, not his wife. 

The fact that you are put in a position where you are nagging him about his behavior and checking up on him is a bad situation. Now he the "little boy" and resenting you and you are angry at him for not acting mature and being invested properly in the marriage. Bad, very bad. Personally, I think your husband isn't ready to throw away his carefree days of living the life as a single man (and hanging with his single guy friends isn't helping) and you are ready to move into a new stage of your marriage and that's where the problem is. You have to rectify it somehow. He needs to commit to the marriage by ACTING married. Having a ring on your finger isn't about being married. It's an emotional commitment as well. 

If he won't give in then I'd be really concerned. I can see couples wanting to see their friends separately from time to time to do certain things (play cards, go shopping, see a concert, go to dinner, go camping, fishing, etc) but if all that is going on is that you're hanging out and talking with your respective groups of friends then why do it separately? Why can't you all hang out together?

It's bothering you enough to come here and post about it so it's definitely something that needs to be addressed and perhaps changed. I think Turnera has a point about you two finding things that you can do together and enjoying and dialing back the separate bar outings. 

And whatever you do, don't even THINK about having kids until this is all worked out. PLEASE.


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

I personally don't see a problem with going out separately. Sometimes I go out to bars with the fellas and sometimes my wife goes out with her girls. I wouldn't call that a red flag for any ulterior motives, because man time is man time and vice versa.

However, whenever we go out separately we make sure we text a few times during the night just to make sure everything is cool, especially if it's getting late. A week or so ago my wife went to hang with her girlfriends and sent me a text asking if she could spend the night. I had no problem with it. It's all about courtesy.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Contemplating said:


> There have been times when I've been so upset and numb...that we've gone days without speaking.


You've gone days without speaking, and been numb, because he was late? All im saying is, there's something else going on. Those emotions are very intense. 

If he's only thirty minutes late, cant you just set the curfew time thirty minutes earlier? that way he'll be on time. my H is chronically late. so i always tell him we have to leave an hour before we actually do. And if i need him some place, i always tell him to be there thirty minutes before he needs to be.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

I know you want to be a trusting adult in this situation, but it's not breaking the curfew by 30 minutes, and it's not him not calling you to tell you he will be late. If he were at a ballgame with his dad you wouldn't think twice about him being 30 minutes late and not texting.

Married people have no business hanging out at meat markets until all hours of the night without their significant others. I don't need to explain why, but if you'd like some interesting reading on it, I started a LONG thread a few months ago called http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...lubbing-w-friends-legitimized-infidelity.html. You have been browbeaten by others in this and other forums to believe that it's OK, and you are an insecure, controlling Neanderthal to have a problem with it. 

Nights out with his pals? Of course. Partying with the girls at meat markets until 3:30AM? No F***in' way!


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## myerssasha (Mar 6, 2010)

Contemplating said:


> My H and I are strong believers of having time apart from one another and just hanging out with our friends a couple of nights a month. We seldom do anything big, just really hang out at bars and talk. We sometimes run into one another and that's fine. We'll usually hang out for a few minutes and then one of us will leave. We have set curfew times...we have to be home by 3:30am. This gives us plenty of time to wind down and bring everyone home before heading home ourselves.
> 
> Here's where the problem comes into play...I am almost always home in time. If I'm running a few minutes late (usually because my friends and I decided to get breakfast), I'll call or text him to let him know that I'm going to be late. However, he is very often late, and most times won't call or text, or if he does, it's only because he's already late. I think that I give him plenty of time, so why is he constantly late? Last night, or should I say a few hours ago, he was 30 minutes late. Again, no call or text. When I called him, he said that he had just turned on his phone ("I must have accidentally shut it off when it was in my pocket") and said that he was running late because he was asked to bring someone home that he wasn't planning on. It's just that there is always an excuse and he never sees it as a big problem.
> 
> Most of his friends are single and younger than him. My H's soon to be 32 and we want to start a family, but I'm starting to have doubts...about the marriage, never mind having children. I have brought up counseling, but he doesn't think we need it. There have been times when I've been so upset and numb (because it's happened so many times and I have heard it all, yet the next month, it's back to the same story) that we've gone days without speaking. We've been together for 12 yrs, but married for 3. Any suggestions as how I can get through to him?


tell him no more outings or its over. or you could start being late just as he does. that way he knows how it feels.. Be distant from him and it will make him want to change.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

I feel like an old fuddy duddy sometimes. What the hell is with not reading the riot act for a single 330am return home???

Oy.


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

Why would you even bother calling this "arrangement" a marriage?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

He's still not home???


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