# Am I doing wrong??...



## LadyBliss (Jul 3, 2012)

My husband and I have been married for two years, we are both 24 and currently living with my dad while we get back on our feet. 

When I was growing up I always like to have our home clean and everything in its place. (I think you may know where this is going, right??) I know I may have OCD but it's not that bad. I always kept my room clean and organized, as well as my bathroom. Clean clothes washed and folded and put away, etc..

When my husband and I were dating, we exchanged our likes and dislikes, what we love or hate doing etc.. He always told me he was also like me, he liked his place clean and tidy. There was a few times I'd go over to his apartment, and well yeah he is a guy so there were a few clothes on the ground, bathroom was, well, a guys bathroom. I didn't say anything because I obviously didn't live there. He did "clean up" the few times I'd go over though.

Anyway, now being married it seems like it hasn't changed; on his part. He would tell me he doesn't like me nagging him about small things, that it would always lead to an argument. And yes, I will admit that we argue about these things, but I don't know why it bothers him when I just ask him to put the dirty clothes in the dirty laundry bag so I can wash them for example. 

I don't think I am nagging him if I just ask him to try to remember to do this or it's easier for me if you do that...

Another example: Our bathroom. I would ask him to just clean up after you're done. When he shaves, wipe off the sink and around it. One thing I don't like: Seeing hair in my sink when I am brushing my teeth. Can you say EW? He's known this ever since we were dating. But when I bring it up, he says I am nagging then it leads to an argument. 

>Sometimes he shaves in the morning before going to work. He works at 12 but leaves at 11 because he rides the bicycle. He wakes up at 10 to get breakfast, shower or get his things ready. Or gets on Xbox for 30 minutes before leaving, then he says he doesn't have time to clean it up.< 

I try not to say anything but I can't always be behind him cleaning up after him. And when I let him know this, he always lets me know what HE does for me, i.e. rides the bicycle 9 miles to work and 9 back everyday. Is he putting the guilt trip on me?? Am I doing wrong?? 

I let him know I get upset but it seems he doesn't take it into consideration because according to him, he doesn't have to because of what he does everyday(we are saving up for a vehicle, it's been somewhat difficult ever since we got married)

There are other things that bother me which I approach him the same, but he never does anything about it. Is there something else I can do? How to approach him? 

I want to mention another example which will be my last one:

About a few days ago I asked him to stop by the store on his way home to buy a small bottle of laundry detergent. He says yes I will get it, so ok. That night he comes home, I ask for it, he didn't get it because he "forgot"(let me also say that he gets off at 8 but doesn't come home until 12, hanging out with friends or whatever, which I am ok because there is some tension b/w him and my dad right now and he wants so time for himself), I say it's fine just get it tomorrow. He doesn't. I tell him we kind of need it to wash clothes, plus he didn't have clean work clothes. Next day, I go out with my dad and brother and come back around 9ish. I go into our room and he is there, in front of his Xbox about to play. So then I notice there is a brand new Xbox controller package on the floor, he saw me look at it but didn't say anything. I didn't say anything. After a while, I couldn't stay quiet and asked, " so when _can_ you get the detergent?". I am not going to lie, I was mad at him. How is he going to tell me not to get mad when he does these things? So we argued. I told him that a controller won't wash our clothes, detergent will. 

>Before all this, a few days earlier, he mentioned about getting another controller(they are about $60) I told him I think we should wait because we already have one(one of the joysticks got stuck, but you could still use it). He obviously didn't think we could wait.<

He then said the usual, "I am sorry, I forgot". The day after I meet him at his parents house and he shows me he finally bought the detergent.

I honestly think I am more mature than him, in a way. I feel like he doesn't think it's important to clean up or help me with certain things. 

Is there anything I need to do or say, or not say? I need advise please. I want to make our marriage life better.


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## 1writer (Jul 11, 2012)

It sounds like you are much more mature than he is. I been there myself (been married 15 years). He doesn't need to be out with friends that often, you should be more important. Which, I don't understand that to begin with, my spouse is 100x more fun to me than my friends were, combined. 

Yes, you need to talk to him without the tv or xbox or anything else going. He agreed to the marriage and has to remember that, he is a husband. No amount of hanging out or video games is going to turn back the hands of time. He doesn't need to be buying anything without telling you, and likewise, esp. when you don't have a lot to buy with. If you don't even have a car, he doesn't need to be worried with video games. Oftentimes, nagging is nagging, asking to be responsible is being responsible. He might not like nagging, but he's going to have to be responsible. No person can carry a marriage alone. Ask him if he is serious about your relationship. 

I have always written, so I started writing after we were married. Eventually, it became my job and I have a few books published. It isn't much, but it's something. There are so many sites online where you can work via the internet, elance, vcoder, odesk, etc. At least, you'll have a small income and some kind of security. A girl can't have too much of that. 

Good luck. I hope this helps you out.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

You are headed for big trouble if you don't stop nagging over such minor issues. Just because you have OCD doesn't mean your husband must conform to your "requirements". I don't like hair in the sink either, but my wife doesn't seem to mind. It bugs me exactly in the same way it bugs you. I don't complain about it because my wife does so many other things for me that I appreciate. I simply take a few seconds and wipe the sink down before I brush my teeth. Everyone has their issues and quirks. Your husbands quirks are very much in the "normal" spectrum for guys. If you allow your OCD to control your relationship I guarantee you will not have a happy marriage and may eventually end up divorced. 

Apparently your financial situation requires that live in your parents house. This is not a good way to start a marriage. Your husband may not come straight home everyday because it's not really his home. A man wants to be comfortable in his home. He wants to do want he pleases when he pleases (within reason). Obviously he doesn't have that now and you are not making it any easier complaining about mundane stuff. *Do you want him to be comfortable at your parents house or feel like he's being judged all the time?* That gets old really fast. He may be a bit immature, but you didn't mention his age so it's hard to tell. By the way, riding your bike everyday 9 miles each way can become a grind depending on the terrain and location of the commute. Do you work? What are you doing while he's at work? These factors may also play into his attitude toward your "requirements".

Peace


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## LadyBliss (Jul 3, 2012)

It sure does I just wanted to see if I WAS nagging too much or if I was being too controlling like he says. I do appreciate everything he does, especially riding the bicycle everyday. After we argue about those things, I sit and think if it's my fault, if I even should have brought it up. Sometimes I don't say anything and just do it, but it happens all the time. When he leaves for work, I am the one that picks up the clothes he decided not to wear, clean clothes may I add. I have all my socks bras and lingerie in a plastic pillow case that has a zipper, every time he's looking in there for socks(yes my socks, he apparently lost the ones I bought him) I find half of the stuff all over the floor.
He already knows I don't like it. Does it even cross his mind? Is it something he is just not worried about at all? A guy thing maybe?


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## LadyBliss (Jul 3, 2012)

We are both 24. And my legal status won't allow me to work just yet, I have been in college for 4 years and I am planning on returning in January. I stay at home most of the time. Other times I go out with my dad and brother.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Yes guys don't think much about socks because in the big picture its just a stupid sock. I have two sons. Our socks can be found all around the house at times. We are active and we like to do stuff. Life is messy sometimes. Embrace life and forget about everything being perfect all the time. If you always expect perfection you will always be dissappointed. Relax a little and see what happens. You never know. You might even have some fun. 

PS. You may have too much time on your hands to worry about this stuff.


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## LadyBliss (Jul 3, 2012)

I would love to just sit back and relax, but I am afraid if I do that, there won't be any responsibility around here. He knows I like having the room clean, if he knows, is it that hard to pick up after yourself? I am not living a child, I am living with a husband, so I think he should at least be a little considerate as I am of him. 
There is one thing I forgot to mention and it has to do with being responsible.
Like I mentioned, I can't legally work yet. This is because the actions my parents, mostly my father, took when I was a baby. My dad fully understands it is his fault. 
Ever since we got married, my husband has had this resentment towards my dad. Now that we are "living" with my dad, my husband says it is fully my dads responsibility to pay for everything(dealing with me of course) 
My father takes me out to eat sometimes, he bought me a flat iron a few weeks ago, he gives me money for my personal things here and there.
On the other hand, my husband says it's not his obligation to do that. He is the only one with a checking and savings account right now. Does it make it right that my husband feels that way? How is he being a husband if he doesn't provide for his wife? How do you think that makes me feel? When I ask to use his card to buy something we need, he says no. So.... he doesn't trust me? 
How is that even OK? 
Growing up, my father has done a lot for his family (I have two brothers) We didn't have much but he worked hard to provide for us. And he still does. He may have made mistakes but he sure does regret them, and he owns up to his mistakes.
My husband says I am defending my father and that I shouldn't be doing that because of what he did to me.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

I see. There's always underlying issues that cause us to focus on the small stuff. This is not about your OCD or socks. Its about your husbands resentment toward your father. Your an illegal due to your father's choices and now your husband feels he must deal with the fallout. Your hoping the new Obama plan will allow you to become a citizen, but you know this will take a long time. It's a very complicated situation and not your normal marriage stuff. If your husband married you knowing your citizenship status then he doesn't really have much of an argument. If he feels he's supporting your father now and that wasn't part of the bargin then he may feel like he was tricked. I'm not sure because I think you are leaving out some of the details because you are scared. If that's your pic on you avatar then your should remove it immediately.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Forgot to mention. A husband should provide for his wife if that's what was agreed upon before the marriage. It may be cultural differences, but in my world the wife is also expected to contribute to the family finances if she is not taking care of children and able to work.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> I try not to say anything but I can't always be behind him cleaning up after him.


You should not have to. Damn it! He's a man, not a boy!

He needs to clean his act up. Now! IMO as a male of 55, who does clean the sink up after shaving!

How about an electric razor?


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## LadyBliss (Jul 3, 2012)

Ever since we were dating he knew about my situation, I told him everything I knew and that was that, he really didn't care. I also told him this is my fathers obligation not his, he seems to believe otherwise since we are married. I did not marry him thinking he can fix my status, I married him because we fell in love and because we wanted to. 
So you're saying my husband doesn't pick up after himself because of his resentment toward my father? 
I agree with you on your last post, I can't provide financially, but I do provide love, care, encouragement. I am the one who fills out his applications online, I create his resumes, I keep his work stuff organized, I wish I could financially provide, you have no idea.


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## LadyBliss (Jul 3, 2012)

He has an electric razor...


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

LadyBliss said:


> Ever since we were dating he knew about my situation, I told him everything I knew and that was that, he really didn't care. I also told him this is my fathers obligation not his, he seems to believe otherwise since we are married. I did not marry him thinking he can fix my status, I married him because we fell in love and because we wanted to.
> So you're saying my husband doesn't pick up after himself because of his resentment toward my father?
> I agree with you on your last post, I can't provide financially, but I do provide love, care, encouragement. I am the one who fills out his applications online, I create his resumes, I keep his work stuff organized, I wish I could financially provide, you have no idea.



I'm saying if he's frustrated with your father and he comes home to see him everyday he may be so upset that he ignores your household concerns. He may also just be a slob, but most heterosexual 24 year old men are slobs. It's the exception for a young man to be neat. I'm not a big fan of marrying before 30 so when I hear women complain about their immature 24 year old husbands I think "What did you expect from a boy?" Again this might be a cultural difference...

He's right about one thing. Now that you're married your well being is primarily his concern. If you get sick he must care for you. If you need a loan he must sign for it. He will never be able to forgive your father like you did because he's personally dealing with the consequences. You have to remember that he has no emotional attachment to your father and he's just looking at his actions. If you defend your father he may feel that you are attacking him given your situation. I really don't see how any married man can live with their father in-law. I would have a hard time having sex with my wife with her father in the next room.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

LadyBliss said:


> I don't know why it bothers him when I just ask him to put the dirty clothes in the dirty laundry bag so I can wash them for example.


Get 1 basket that is for floor clothes. When you see his clothes on the floor, throw them in his basket. Do not sort them, do not clean them, do not do anything other than throw them in the basket. Your husband will do that when he is ready to do it. It's not like he's going to let it sit forever, lose his job because he went to work naked, then be unemployed forever. He'll act when he needs to.
Me and the gf have a system sort of like this. We've never had to fight about laundry because we each are responsible for our own stuff. Clothes left on the floor are not washed, and we each know exactly whose fault it is.
This trick probably works on kids too. 




> gets on Xbox for 30 minutes before leaving, then he says he doesn't have time to clean it up.<


He probably just sees it as a total waste of time. If I cleaned my kitchen floor every time I dropped something, I would never have time to do more important things.



> laundry detergent


Buy your own small bottle of detergent. Wash your clothes with detergent. Wash his clothes with cold water and no detergent. He'll eventually ask why they're so damn dirty. "we still don't have any detergent" 
It's not passive aggressive. It's just reality. You don't want soap, so you don't get soap. This is your clothes without soap. Do you want to buy soap now?


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## 1writer (Jul 11, 2012)

I think if he's that tired of life as it is, it's in his power to change it, especially if he's the one with the money. It says a great deal if you don't even have a car and he's buying video game equipment. 

You are his responsibility, not your father's, although I know in this day and age, parental help in those early years is nearly a necessity. Just IMO, I agree with MattMatt. There's a massive difference in nagging and just looking for some help. You should both be able to depend on one another for support. He knew what he was getting into, I mean you did get married. 

You're supposed to be friends and supposed to be good to one another. If he doesn't like living with your father, he can change it, if he hates it that bad. Apparently, it's nothing he can't live with. 

Be gentle and loving, but choose your battles wisely and be firm. He needs to see you are his wife, not a roommate. He should be a husband to his wife.


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## LadyBliss (Jul 3, 2012)

My father and husband don't even see each other all day. My husband is working all day until 8 but decides to stay out a little later so he won't come home to see my dad, and I am ok with that. We won't be living here forever, we will probably leave before the end of the year. 
I've always told my husband to let my father deal with his mistakes, if he doesn't do anything to fix then he won't do anything. My husband has crossed the line several times with my father by telling him he has to man up to his mistakes, it's his fault I am in this situation. My husband has to understand he has no right to tell my father this, especially if we're staying in his home. I am not defending my father, it's just I know how my dad is and I've told my husband how he is, but he runs his mouth anyway, it's not ok. 
We're living with him temporarily and yes it gets awkward at times but what are ought to do, not have sex? Our rooms are not even close to each other, but I understand what you're saying..


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

I think moving out will solve most of what your going through. I think there's a bit of a power struggle going between your Dad and your husband. The fact that your husband avoids seeing him is very telling. I think biting your tongue on the small stuff during this transitional time will go a long ways to keeping the peace. I could never deal with this type of thing and would do everything in my power to move out of my father in-laws house. It's a recipie for divorce in my opinion.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Neither one of you is completely right or completely wrong. And both of you have some annoying things you do.

Nothing you have said shows you to be more mature than your husband. It could be argued that he is more mature because he gets up every day, rides his bike 9 miles to work and supports the two of you. That is HUGE and very mature. You like the house very neat and clean and that is mature as well. 

You stating that you think you are more mature than he is what is called a “disrespectful judgment”. 

There are some things you can do that will alleviate some of these problems.

*About the laundry soap.* You are a SAHW right now. Running the home is your job. Why are you not planning well enough to not run out of laundry soap? Plan ahead. I try to keep one ahead on everything so that this never happens. Why couldn’t you pick it up? Can you walk to the store? Could you have picked it up when you went out with our dad? 
In your husband’s defense… my husband stays home. He used to call me all the time to stop by the store on the way home to get things. AT first it was ok. After a while it really bothered me. Here I was working a long day and now I had to go shopping? You have got to be kidding me. So I stopped doing it. I told him to get off his arse and plan shopping better. He no longer asks me to pick up things on the way home from work. I won’t get them anyway… the stores are out of my way… by several miles.
Some of the things that you describe have some simple solutions.

*Socks: *I used to buy my husband two kinds of socks; white athletic ones and black ones. All the white ones are the same kind. All the black ones are the same kind. When I washed them they went into the sock drawer. Problem solved. All he had to do to get a pair of black socks was to take out two black socks… because they were all the same. I bought him some extra because we know that socks disappear into strange dimensions and then weeks later fall out of that dimension somewhere else. My theory about sock is that eventually they will all find their way to the sock drawer. So I don’t worry about matching pairs.
Once I had 3 kids in the house I did the same thing with them. I just got the same socks for all 3 of them. We had a sock bag for the kids. It made that one easy. 

*Money and spending:* The two of you should be on one page for how to handle your finances. But that said each of you should have some money every month that you can do with what you please. This is money that you do not have to ask permission to spend. If he wants to buy a huge box of bubble gum with his fun money that’s his business and you need to respect that. And you should be able to spend yours the way you want to. But the two of you have to decide how much money a pay period is your fun money… after savings, after paying bills.

Here is a very good book for the two of you to read and to come up with your financial plan for life: “*Smart Couples Finish Rich: Nine Steps to Creating a Rich Future For You and Your Partner*”

*Him throwing cloths all over the place. *Just push it into a pile and out of your way. It’s his mess. He likes his mess. Let him have it. Just tell him that he gets his mess but keep his grubby hands off your neat, organized, things. So now the two of you have what you want. What I did was to buy some of those net clothing hampers…. $5 at Walgreens or Wal-Mart … I just pick up my husband’s pile and throw it in those. He’s find with it. They are in the closet so I can close the closet door and all is well with the world.

As time goes on you might get to work on him and this, but not right now. You have to stop nagging.

So now the hair in the bathroom sink. Yea ew… but stop nagging right now. Just clean it up for now. Pick our battles well. This is little compared to your marriage falling apart. Your husband his working and supporting you. You are a lucky woman. If hair in the bathroom sink is the worst thing he does in your lifetime together you will be one lucky woman.

Right now you two have traditional roles. You have the house wife and he is the breadwinner. This means that you have 100% responsibility for things at home. He has 100% responsible for supporting the two of you. Once you start working, this will shift. But for now this is what you have.

For now stop all nagging and do some work. 

Here are some books that I think will really help you:

“*Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands*” by Dr. Laura Schlessinger (she has other good books about marriage but this one is especially good for what you are going through now.)

Then there is “_*Divorce Busting*_” This is a good book to read long before there are any big issues in yoru marriage.

Then after that book take a look at the links in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. It’s best if your husband will read them with you. But if not read them and start doing the work they tell you to do.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ok so now you bring in new info that changes some things. But some things are not clear.

Does your husband pay rent, food, utilities, etc to your father? Or is he living free in your father’s house?


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## LadyBliss (Jul 3, 2012)

We pay $200 each month we are here, it's the least my husband can give my dad to help pay for what we use (extra water, electricity, and food)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you and your husband are paying $200 a month for all of that you are really guests in your father's home. That is not enough to even cover what it would cost your husband to live on his own. As a guest he needs to be gracious to your father.

I have no idea what this thing is that your father did that was so wrong. It sounds like for some reason you are in the USA illegally. But people who are here illegally get jobs all the time. I live in New Mexico.. we are illegals working all over this state.

A niece and nephew of mine have married illegals. Not the wisest thing to do but not something to emotionally beat up their FIL either. And both of them work. My new illegal nephew-in-law has worked here as an illegal for 10 years.

So I see no reason why you cannot find a job.

Your husband also sounds unreasonable. My suggestion is that you tell him that either he takes responsibility of you as his wife and treats your father with respect or he can go get a divorce. IF he stays he has to live under the rules of respect and marriage... period.


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## LadyBliss (Jul 3, 2012)

I am sorry, but I am not risking my life by working illegally. I have no criminal background and I want it to stay that way. I graduated high school and have been in college for 4 years, my dream is to teach 1st grade and have my own photography studio. If I have to wait another year or two I will, I've waited 24 years.

$200 is the least we can give my father which he is ok with. If we give him anymore then we aren't saving any money for our own place.

Just last night I told my husband about his role as a husband. Before he seemed to think that my father should be paying for everything I need because "he owes me" since he never did anything to help my legal status. Yes my father is conscious about his mistakes and trust me he is working very hard every day.
I did tell my husband he was wrong for say that and as a husband he should take responsibility, I don't say giving me half of his paycheck because well obviously it's going towards 'rent', I only ask for $20 to have in my purse for whatever I need when I go out. I have a few girlfriends I haven't seen for a while and I would like to go out to lunch with them. 

Just the other night I noticed a new shirt and cologne. I didn't say anything and neither did he. How did I feel? Like I don't deserve anything, like I don't deserve to have money until I can legally work. 

He then told me he had bought the shirt for $9 and the cologne he needed for work. Which from the bottle and the brand was no $9. But I bit my tongue, I let him come to me and tell me.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

You both need to define your roles. He's working and riding a bike 9 miles to do it. You're both living with your father which can't be a happy situation for your husband. He does need some down time. Why harass him about laundry soap while he's riding a bike. Can't you pick some up while you're out with your father or brother. Take on your role as a stay at home wife.

As I said he does need down time but staying out until 12 because he doesn't want to come home is a problem. Where does the extra money from his income go if he is only paying $200.00 a month?

It is not your fathers job to buy your necessities, it is your husbands. But on the other hand can't you just wipe up the whiskers if you're not contributing financially?

You both should sit down and fairly define your roles right now and what you expect from the future. Do this alone and out of the house. You both need to budge. I agree with elegirl.


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## LadyBliss (Jul 3, 2012)

My husband has a $2000 fine from 2 years ago, plus he is still on probation, he is saving as much money as he can to pay that off. Like I said, the more money we give away the more time we stay at my dads which none of us want. He is almost there to paying off probation.

And how can I contribute financially if I can't legally work yet?? Babysitting here and there doesn't even compare to a 40 hour work week. I get 30 bucks for a few hours, then what? Some people require a background check to babysit their children.

I don't ask my dad to buy detergent because it's not his obligation to do it, the same with my personal things.
If my husband has time to go and buy a new xbox controller, then I am pretty sure he can get detergent, something we NEED. Not an xbox controller..


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

You don't have to contribute financially. You knew he had a fine to pay off just like he knew your legal status when you got married. I didn't say your father should buy it. Why cant you ask you husband for the money for these things? If he says it's your fathers place to pay for explain that it's not. You both need to sit down and discuss things calmly. Decide what your role is in staying home and not making money and decide what his role is as the bread winner. Then discuss the money. How much goes towards rent , his fine, saving for a place of your own and necessities.

On another note if you do have a couple of people that you babysit for ask them if they know anybody that needs house cleaning. Maybe pet sitting? There are things you can do to bring in a couple of bucks. Do you coupon? That could help. Every penny counts.


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## LadyBliss (Jul 3, 2012)

I've already explained it to him and his response is still the same. I've also told him that we have to create a budget, he just nods his head and doesn't say anything. And its harder to even do it if he doesn't tell me how much his paycheck is or how much he spends. I ask him how much is in the bank, but the only think he tells me is, "don't worry, we have money".

I asked him for money last night, he said he doesn't have the time to stop by at the atm. Monday is when we need to give my father the $200, and my father is one to appreciate people who are on time on things, last night I reminded my husband that Monday is the 16th... If it was me, I'd have the cash a week in advance.

Coupons are my best friend.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LadyBliss said:


> I've already explained it to him and his response is still the same. I've also told him that we have to create a budget, he just nods his head and doesn't say anything. And its harder to even do it if he doesn't tell me how much his paycheck is or how much he spends. I ask him how much is in the bank, but the only think he tells me is, "don't worry, we have money".
> 
> I asked him for money last night, he said he doesn't have the time to stop by at the atm. Monday is when we need to give my father the $200, and my father is one to appreciate people who are on time on things, last night I reminded my husband that Monday is the 16th... If it was me, I'd have the cash a week in advance.
> 
> Coupons are my best friend.


If your husband is not letting you know how much his pay checks are, how much is in the bank, etc he is way out of line. This is something that you should not put up with.

When you start to work, is he going to be ok with you keeping your money totally separate for him and he not knowing what you make? I doubt it.

Who buys your groceries? Does your father? Does he buy groceries for your husband as well?


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## Dan Carruthers (Jul 14, 2012)

You are just being by nature, systematic :. habitually so, as well.


Perhaps, you might be a Virgo..or Spl Sagittarian or may be anything in the Zodiac.


However, you seem to go overboard, to be like a control freak.

See , he is working.while he shaves , he must be hasty, does not have the time to clean n go , except his face.and he seems to be habitual as well.

as for you seeing it while brushing seems like a kid complaining.


Whats the Solution :

1.You need some CONTROL over your "Controlling"...


2.He needs to have some Discipline .Can go for some good Time, Work and Life Management Strategies.


3.Not working trbls..?: 

You are doing one of the best things as a woman, a Wife can do as of now or ever.Viz being a *HomeMaker*.I dont want to call you as a SAHW, and make it sound formal for commercial tagging.


4.Your Hubby and your Dad, should love each other just as in Son ( in-Law does not need to be tagged at all) and Father relationship..and not playing Ego Games...and you , Girl , is advised not to take sides , without a Sense of Justice, incase of disagreements.I agree you do love your Dad. Yet, you can be the cause of troubles by comparative remarks..avoid it,and at the most, you can be an arbitrator and a peacemaker .

We as youngsters of these years, should show more understanding in issues than the olden days , when your dad was of our age. But what I infer is a pampered Girl in you as well.

Let each out there be making amendments , as needed...

..


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## LadyBliss (Jul 3, 2012)

ELEGIRL: IF i did that, I am sure he won't like it and start asking questions, start wondering or demand to know everything. See, I ASK to know because well, as the wife I should know. But I don't demand or start wondering things. Why do you guys thing he does that? Is it something he doesn't really think about? 
As for the groceries, from the $200.00 we give my father, we buy groceries from that, for everyone not just for us two. Plus the groceries my father buys. The rest is given to my dad. Before coming to my dads, my dad said that he didn't need the money, that whatever we are comfortable giving him will be fine, we agreed on 200. Those $200 includes the groceries, water and electric bill (which isn't much anyway) So $50 for groceries, and that leaves $150 for the water and electricity bill. My husband doesn't even eat most of the food because he is always at work, and if he DOES eat something, its more like a pb&j sandwhich. 

DAN: After getting a lot of replies and advice, I now understand that little things like his mess in the bathroom or his clothes on the ground I should just accept. And I have. He's continuously going to do it so I just have to ignore it and do it for him. I don't think the term 'control freak' best describes me, the way I ask him to do things is different than demanding him or wanting without asking. If I was a controlling wife, I'd know it and so will he. 

My husband wants to get along with my dad, I want them to get along as well. But ever since the first time they met, my dad never seemed interested in getting to know him. My husband would try to talk to him but my dad never seemed happy. Personally, this may sound silly but, i think its because I didn't marry a Hispanic man. My father is very old fashioned and I can say that my parents taught me well, I have good morals and values because of them. 
I try to be both the arbitrator and peacemaker but it always turns back on me. I don't choose sides. I tell each of them what they are doing wrong and suggest to change their behavior for the better.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I can see how your father being cold to your husband has caused some issues. It's not fair of your father to treat your husband with a cold should because he's not hispanic. Being racist hurts people. So your husband lashes out at your father in the only way he feels he can.

If you and your husband are only paying $200 a month you are basically living there free. Food for 2 costs a lot more than $50 a month. 

As for why your husband is selfish and controlling with his income? What is his family like? Does he have a dad at home who supported the family? Was he spoiled to think that he is the center of all things?

For some reason your husband is not a generous person and he has no clue how a marriage is supposed to work.


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## LadyBliss (Jul 3, 2012)

If we pay any more than $200, we're stuck living with my dad, we don't want that. From those $200, I get enough groceries for everyone, like I said, coupons are my best friend so with $50 I can get plenty of food. Plus the food that my dad gets, I'd say it's enough. 

I learned how to create a budget with his parents. Mine never taught me. One day his parents sat us down and showed us how to do it, I honestly couldn't wait to get started. On the other hand, my husband wasn't really interested.
His parents work together with their finances, his dad is more in tune with it like I am. But they still work together, letting each other know whats going in. They've gotten upset with my husband before because he didn't know how much he have in his checkings.
>I used to have a student account with Wells Fargo and I ALWAYS checked my account and wrote down what I spent and how much I had left<
My husband doesn't do that..
How can I get him to realize that creating a budget is really really important? 
Do I ask for the receipts?


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## Dan Carruthers (Jul 14, 2012)

I have good morals and values because of them.
I try to be both the arbitrator and peacemaker but it always turns back on me. I don't choose sides. I tell each of them what they are doing wrong and suggest to change their behavior for the better.


---Comely n Exquisite,good lady, if that's true ..and in that case, I feel It's Time that The Father and The Husband start to Emulate and learn from you , the dear Nice Girl among the "not so good fellas". 

Now


From the Ancient Wisdom and Modern Revelations we could evolve for a better Present and Future ...but alas, People forget to have a Synthesis of Old and New , and Newer to come..

and as for The Control Factor...

Be balanced in your Controlling,( which is one of the Principles of Management,it brings forth essential Discipline....and it's necessary as well.)..

It's then constructive and life giving ..Be doing well.


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