# Is the feeling of guilt normal



## Nosmoresmiles (Aug 25, 2017)

I need some advice I have posted in the last couple of weeks saying that I am now going to take back control and that's what I am doing, however lately I have started to feel guilty that I am now thinking about myself and not "us" I know thinking about what is best for me is the right thing to be doing but that does not stop me from feeling like I have given up on my marriage. I do not what to go back to being messed about and I have promised myself that I won't, but I can't understand why even tho I am doing what I want and need to right now for me, why I feel like I am now doing something wrong, I know I am not and I keep telling myself that but it does not help me to stop feeling guilty. Does this sound like a normal thing that people would sometimes feel or has anybody else ever felt this way if so how did you get past it as I want to look to the future and not feel guilty about it


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## tailrider3 (Oct 22, 2016)

I think it dends on what you are doing. Buying yourself some new clothes is a good thing. Starting an emotional affair would not be. What is it you feel guilty about?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*It's been my experience that people who have a true conscience often feel pangs of guilt, justified or otherwise, so much more than their unconsciable counterparts do!*


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## Nosmoresmiles (Aug 25, 2017)

I think it's that because I'm thinking about my self as opposed to "us" when making a choice now because for so long it's always been what is the best option for us I feel guiltily when I make the choice for me for example I needed to change my car it's getting on now and needed updating so I looked at what I wanted and not what would suit both of our needs and that made me feel selfish and then guilty now I know that shouldn't have but I couldn't help it. I'm not going out trying to find anyone or any sort of relationship because as I have said in other posts I still love my wife and wish we could work things out but for my health I can't be messed about anymore and I think that might also be why I feel guilty.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

In my first marriage, I had to do the "180". I learned to "pick my battles". I had to figure out what impact my choices made upon my sons, and I had to "divide" when it came to my wife's "needs" versus "wants". She needed shelter which was warm in the winter and cool in the summer. She wanted a new house. Guess what? I made quite sure that her housing was clean, appropriate, healthy, and serviceable. I allowed no return smoke from the fireplace, no gas leaks to the stove. It was air-conditioned by window-mounted units, but not by a central system. But I did not subject myself to debt.

All safety concerns of her car were fixed. A new car was not bought. The oil was changed regularly. The grass was mowed. Window screens were repaired/replaced. There was food in the pantry. Not sirloin steak, but good, nutritious, healthy food. 



Nosmoresmiles said:


> I still love my wife and wish we could work things out but for my health I can't be messed about anymore


I loved her in the sense that I considered her welfare as important as my own. I didn't "love" her with hearts and flowers. I 'loved" her by providing medical care and her necessities. I didn't have sex with her anymore. I slept in a different bed most of the time. Avoiding sex with her was a health necessity for me.



Nosmoresmiles said:


> I'm thinking about my self as opposed to "us" when making a choice


I made a career choice to join a different company where travel was a necessity. It allowed me to pursue a chosen career. It paid well enough to support the family. She vehemently objected.
Guess what? Here's a quarter.... call somebody who gives a damn.


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## Nosmoresmiles (Aug 25, 2017)

TJW said:


> I loved her in the sense that I considered her welfare as important as my own.


Sorry if the quote has not worked correctly its the first time I have tried to quote someone's words

I also consider her welfare, I will give a little info on her to explain my worry 

In 2013 she was diagnosed with something called Intercranial Pressure and soon after she became depressed about this as she felt she was not improving and the hospital was only focused on one cause for her condition, her weight. Now she is not a big girl the hospital even said that she was only just over her ideal body weight but they never looked into anything else. 

She has had a couple of moments during this illness that have really pushed her to the point she was going to break especially when told she was close to going blind, but I was always there to help her in anyway she needed, but now she is in the position she is dealing with this alone her parents are very unhelpful when it comes to appointments or just talking when she needs someone to listen they are always busy and I have learned in the last couple of days that even her closest friends have stopped talking to her because of what she has done and how she has acted. She cut off contact with the guy she was seeing as well now leaving her depressed once again( I think she is final starting to be truthful to her self for the first time she is seeing what she has done) and I feel that she is only doing it now because I have taken control of myself. I would still be there if she needed someone to take her to an appointment as i feel the same way her health is as important as my own. But when I think about her being alone in this I feel like I am the one that has abandoned her and I shouldn't have to feel that way. The more I think about it the the more I feel like this may be the original Origen of my guilt and every other choice I am making is just being affected by it.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I am not sure what your story is but one of the major issues we face as individuals is the societal expectation to NOT be selfish. The reality is we should always be selfish and that ideal has been turned on its head. Mainly because we conflate rational self interest with irrational self interest or greed. A guy or gal who is married, has kids, a good family etc who decides to cheat simply because they got the itch, they are basically just being greedy. The selfishness that they exhibit is irrational, they are willing to risk everything that is supposedly near and dear to them in order to gain a moment of pleasure. OTOH the guy or gal who is in the same boat and walks away from an opportunity to cheat is also being selfish but in a rational way. They are not willing to lose everything in order to gain that moment of pleasure regardless of how tempting it may be. Society would tell us that second guy is being selfless, when in reality he is just being rationally selfish.
Sometimes, we have to be selfish to protect our selves. So if your spouse cheated on you, you can go the really selfless route and try to nice them back or you can be rationally selfish and tell them to go pound sand and get on with your life. 
Sometimes we have become so conditioned to give of ourselves that we loose track of who we are. Then when we need to act in own best interests we feel guilty. I was in this place before. Throughout my marriage I continually gave away a piece of myself until I got to the point of not knowing who I was. Eventually over 24 years, the marriage failed. After the divorce I had no idea who I was or what I wanted. I reverted back to "comfortable" ways of thinking, so I continued to act in ways to make her happy. Eventually I realized I didn't need to do this, but when I tried to act in my self interests I felt guilty. Eventually I realized what is done is done. I slowly rediscovered who I am and what I want and began to act accordingly. The guilty feelings faded over time as I came to examine why I felt that way and why it was dumb for me to have that feeling.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Look up the word codependency and read up on it.

Sometimes selflessness can be a unhealthy problem.

There are great books on it "Codependent No More"

or "Codependency for Dummies"


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Toxic guilt when focusing (or trying to focus) on yourself is going to hinder your personal progress.

Why should you feel guilty about leaving a person who only makes you an option? People should learn to survive without others. It's part of being an adult.

You probably feel more guilt about leaving her than she feels about you going. Why would you waste that precious energy when it could be used to better yourself?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Nosmoresmiles said:


> when I think about her being alone in this I feel like I am the one that has abandoned her


No, it is HER who has abandoned you. The guilt you feel about this is false. There are certain consequences for bad behavior. Part of your wife's NEED is to bear the weight of these consequences so that she will learn not to engage in iniquity.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

You only exit the Drama Triangle by holding the line.


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## tailrider3 (Oct 22, 2016)

I see now and thanks for the details. As someone on here once told me, now that she has crossed the line she is my mortal enemy at least for the moment. Hence I have learned to be cold as ice with no guilt. So very sad as I loved her deeply but as others have said, to protect yourself, to heal, to grow you must do it.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

I remember the day I went to take the money from the joint account. I knew what I was up against. She had previously gone in and taken half - during the last separation.

It was STILL difficult.

I called my safe man and he gave me a pep talk.

It's the right thing to do - for you.

Do it and don't look back.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Satya said:


> Toxic guilt when focusing (or trying to focus) on yourself is going to hinder your personal progress.
> 
> Why should you feel guilty about leaving a person who only makes you an option? People should learn to survive without others. It's part of being an adult.
> 
> You probably feel more guilt about leaving her than she feels about you going. Why would you waste that precious energy when it could be used to better yourself?


Please remember that feelings are not logical and that feeling guilt may indeed hinder growth instead of helping an individual grow. Just like there is false hope we also have false guilt. Allow your brain to reign over those feelings as your brain will logically choose what is best for YOU at this point in time. Feelings are finicky and come and go; don't always rely on them 100%.


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