# A Lesson Learned



## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Today, my wife officially submitted our divorce papers and it is, at this point, still very difficult for me to accept. While my pornography addiction (I'm currently in therapy to get over it) was a part of the problem, she states that the primary reason was that she was tired of all the years of emotional neglect. I hadn't met her emotional needs, she says, and she was tired of being unhappy in her relationship. At 33, and after 10 years of marriage to someone who didn't and felt couldn't make her happy, she said she was done. While in recent months, I'd started reading relationship books to try to rectify my issues, I had made some changes with my behavior but she said it was too little too late. We have come up with some pretty reasonable terms as it relates to the divorce, but obviously I'm not happy about this. I love her so much. We have a beautiful daughter together. I planned on spending my entire life with her. I relocated from my home state of Texas to be with her (I met her here while playing baseball and decided to stay 900+ miles away from home). I have no family here other than hers so now i find myself completely alone. It doesn't feel good.

Her biggest complaint was my selfishness. I always wanted to do what I wanted to do, never taking her needs into consideration. I never wanted to do things with her. I never showed her much affection. I never wanted to just sit and talk to her. While I did do these things sometimes, it wasn't enough to take away the displeasure she felt. While I believe that some of her expectations were difficult to achieve, I believe that things would be so different now if I'd learned this lesson a few years ago. At one time, we were madly in love. At one time, she was pleased to be with me. At one time, she couldn't wait to see me at the end of a long day. Not anymore. She says I stopped having fun and, therefore, allowed our relationship to grow stale. As we part our separate ways, I hold on to hope that after making some personal changes, i may become once again attractive to her and we may be able to rekindle the lost flame, but I'm not sure it's possible with all the hurt she has built up. If I could just do it all over again. 

I do understand the environment in which i grew up contributed to my inability to express love, it is ultimately all my fault for not recognizing it earlier. I wish I'd know about books like "His Needs Her Need" or "The Love Dare" before now. I wish I'd sought out more help for my issues in order to prevent this. As it stands now, I have lost the woman I am still so deeply in love with. I will work on my issues and stay optimistic that my changes might help me get her back, but what I believe is that I'm correcting myself in order to not have this happen again in my next relationship. Such a hard way to learn a lesson. They say as long as one spouse still has love, there is always a chance. We have a daughter together so we will still have a lot of contact. She's even stated that I could still attend her families functions and gatherings, since they are really all the family I have here. I still have a chance, albeit a small one, but there's nothing wrong with hope. 

I'm not gonna wait around for her to have a change of heart, but I'm sure that I will always have love for her. I'm sure there are gonna be countless days ahead when I think of her greatly. I'm sure it'll be hard to date once the storm has subsided. I'm sure it'll be difficult to see her with someone else knowing had I done something different, that would still be me. But I'll have to deal with it.


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## GoDucks (May 19, 2010)

I believe a marriage has to be grieved... You are right at the beginning of the process. Denial is the first step in grieving. Your feelings seem perfectly normal.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

You'll get through it. Don't take her criticisms too seriously. As we all previous discussed about the "fog", she will "rewrite" the past to support her position. While you weren't the perfect husband, much of what she is saying is probably an exaggeration. My estranged husband told me some bad things when he left. Things like he had never been happy in our marriage. Or, that I never complimented him, etc. What? Those things simply weren't true. However, in his "fog" he was rewriting our history. Don't be too hard on yourself based on what she is saying now. Just focus on you and your daughter and keep your faith in God.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

827Aug said:


> You'll get through it. Don't take her criticisms too seriously. As we all previous discussed about the "fog", she will "rewrite" the past to support her position. While you weren't the perfect husband, much of what she is saying is probably an exaggeration. My estranged husband told me some bad things when he left. Things like he had never been happy in our marriage. Or, that I never complimented him, etc. What? Those things simply weren't true. However, in his "fog" he was rewriting our history. Don't be too hard on yourself based on what she is saying now. Just focus on you and your daughter and keep your faith in God.


I am quite confident that I'll get through this at some point and time. I just wish it would happen fairly quickly but I know it won't happen that way. I pray to God everyday that he would reveal to me his will for me, for my family, and for my relationship. I don't know exactly what it is right now, but I know that I'll have to accept whatever it is, whether it includes her or not. Do I still believe that a marriage ordained by God will not fail? I do. But I'm actually feeling less confident that this is the case with this marriage. 

I don't think I really being hard on myself, but I do understand that I made a lot of mistakes in our relationship. I have always believed that her statements were and exageration. I just was never able to convince her of her need to also be accountable because she played a part as well. She has a hard time with pointing the finger and never accepts any responsibility. 

I understand that this is not a decision that she probably came up with overnight. I understand that these thoughts have likely been festering for some time. I understand, that in most cases, when a women gets to these point, there is usually no return. She says that she has a wall of resentment so thick, that it's impossible to overcome. Now, as a Christian, I know and believe that nothing is impossible. I told her that she could get past if she made the choice to do so and she said she didn't think she wanted to. It's just so hard to accept but I know I must. I must move on. I must deal with me. I must work on myself and become a better man, a better father, a better Christian. I must not focus so much on her and how much I still love her and how much I miss her so. I know it will be difficult as we move to sell our house. I know it will be difficult because I know she's already working on "hanging out" with other guys. I know it will be difficult to see her with someone else. I'll continue to go to counseling and let much of what I'm feeling out. I'll continue to get on here and vent. The lonely nights will be strange but God will help me.


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