# should i try to contact the OM?



## Figs (Dec 2, 2009)

i am a new member to this forum and just need some advice, from people who have experience heartbreak. 

i am currently in the military and so is my wife. we live in turkey. i just returned from 6 month deployment in iraq. while i was away my wife was sent on a class to different base. while she was there she did somethings that caused me to feel dis-respected and angry. so i said something things in anger i shouldnt of have. two days later she sent me an email telling me she wants to divorce me, and she no longer has feelings for me. to make a long story short, we recently had a long conversation and she admitted she found a "friend" during the class, and the have kept in touch since. and i know he is not the one that caused all this, she also admitted they have feelings for eachother and that their relatonship hasnt being physical at all. i dont know anything about this OM but what she has decided to tell me, and i know its an EA. i wonder if she is having this EA, because i went through one in the past? i really want her to talk to me about the whole her wanting to divorce me, but they only way i can is when i break down and cry that i get anything from her. and she tells me she has a "need" to talk to the OM. this is what i wrote:

Hello ****,

My name is ****, ***** husband. This is not a letter of blame or written in anger. This is me trying to help my wife and I get through this situation. I don’t know much about you, just what **** has decided to share with me. She has told me, she likes you and has some feelings for you and you feel the same way about her. **** and I recently had a long conversation, in which we talked about everything and I didn’t hold anything back, probably caused some more damage to our relationship. I admitted to some things, like I married her to be closer to **** but my deep love for her came later on in the marriage. I also admitted to having an emotional affair in the past. And that’s what I believe you guys currently have. I read somewhere “that an affair is a last ditch effort to save the marriage” and it sounds so contradictory, but I believe this statement because, I went through it and felt I greater love and appreciation for my wife, but I didn’t tell her that. I know she feels very comfortable with you and I’m having a hard time communicating with her without me breaking down. I am willing to sacrifice anything to get her to talk about our situation with someone else, besides me. So from a man, a husband, who loves his wife very much, and has no other options. I can only ask you to talk to her about the whole divorce situation and just have her share with you everything. If you really care for her you would do this for her and not me. I don’t expect a reply from you, and you might just blow me off. I thought I should give it a try anyways, because I love her very much and just want her to finds what’s right for her and ****. 




after i read it i feel like it might be a bad idea, but i still feel i need to tell him something, without empowering him. should i send the email out? or maybe rewrite it?


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## Marley (Dec 1, 2009)

Hey Figs... I've written a similar letter. In fact, it could have been my letter. 

There is only one thing that I can say. Don't send it. By saying what you're saying, and most probably believe at this very moment, you are empowering him. You are her husband. He is the other man. You owe him nothing - not an explanation, most certainly not equal status in your wife's life - and he owes you nothing. Forget about him, and the role he played in your situation, and focus on what you can do to get back to where you want to be. If he really has feelings for your wife, he's not going to help you get her back. She's probably already shared everything with him anyway.

You're going to have to fly solo on this one. But we've got your back.


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## Marley (Dec 1, 2009)

Sorry, me again. When I found out about my husband's affair, I wanted to tell her that I understood how she felt, that I didn't blame her for what happened because it was my fault that he wasn't happy in the first place. I almost imagined we could be friends - hey! At least we had similar taste in men! 

It was the best thing I never did.


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## Figs (Dec 2, 2009)

thank you marley!
you know the more i sat and thought about it, i know it is a bad idea. and your right, we dont owe eachother anything, i really want him to get the idea that he is not helping the situation, or any chance that i have at getting the love back. i dicided not to send it. 
thanks again.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

He won't care. These things almost always turn out bad when you ask the OM. In this situation he'll deny.

Your wife most surely is having a EA. 

Are you living together now?


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Dear OM. I am a sniper. Suggest you stay at least 3000 yards away from my wife.

Thanks, Hubby.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Atholk said:


> Dear OM. I am a sniper. Suggest you stay at least 3000 yards away from my wife.
> 
> Thanks, Hubby.


atholk,

are you from athol?

if so, howdy neighbor.


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## Figs (Dec 2, 2009)

yes we do live together. but we dont have any other choice, i can move out and live in the military dorms. but we still work in the same building, we can give each other that much space. plus we have a little girl together.


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## Marley (Dec 1, 2009)

There's no doubt she's having an EA. They say we get 80% of what we need from our spouse and there will always be that 20% of what we WANT that our spouse can't/won't give us. But would it really make a difference if it was a full on affair, or if they were living in seperate dorms? They need to talk, see a councellor together, decide what is important to them, and what is the best way for them to achieve that. Unfortunately it is not just FIGS that we are talking about here. His wife is involved too, and there are many of us here who have been the one having the affair, and will have a better idea of where she finds herself right now. She could be confused as all hell, maybe she thinks that she can't go back. Figs, there is a posibility that you or your wife will be deployed again. How are you going to handle that? It's your job. Can you trust her? Believe me when I tell you that regaining trust in your spouse is one of the most difficult things you'll ever have to do in your life. It's not like forgiving a child or a parent.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

They talk about that whole 80 20 thing in a tyler perry movie called why did I get married...great movie you should watch it.


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## FLgirl (Nov 7, 2009)

Atholk said:


> Dear OM. I am a sniper. Suggest you stay at least 3000 yards away from my wife.
> 
> Thanks, Hubby.


OMG that is too funny :rofl: LMAO


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## Figs (Dec 2, 2009)

Marley said:


> There's no doubt she's having an EA. They say we get 80% of what we need from our spouse and there will always be that 20% of what we WANT that our spouse can't/won't give us. But would it really make a difference if it was a full on affair, or if they were living in seperate dorms? They need to talk, see a councellor together, decide what is important to them, and what is the best way for them to achieve that. Unfortunately it is not just FIGS that we are talking about here. His wife is involved too, and there are many of us here who have been the one having the affair, and will have a better idea of where she finds herself right now. She could be confused as all hell, maybe she thinks that she can't go back. Figs, there is a posibility that you or your wife will be deployed again. How are you going to handle that? It's your job. Can you trust her? Believe me when I tell you that regaining trust in your spouse is one of the most difficult things you'll ever have to do in your life. It's not like forgiving a child or a parent.


:iagree: when you say she might be confused, and she is a very stuborn person. and i can trust her. but im so confused myself. i dont know what my next step is, in proving that i am capable in loving her with all my heart for the rest of my life.


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