# Is it wise...or overreacting?



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

WARNING: THIS MAY BE LONG LEADING UP TO THE ISSUE, SO PLEASE BEAR WITH ME.

This morning, an issue popped up, and it has caused some friction between the W and I.

Let me start by saying we have one daughter, and she is a great kid in every sense of the term. She is smart, honest, gets excellent grades, etc., but like all kids, she does have her quirks, mostly, she is sort of disorganized, tends to be a little forgetful, and today's tiff started with that. My W will look thru her backpack for school to make sure she didn't forget anything, and my D went bonkers this morning, and insisted that my W not go thru her things. Now I know that kids around her age (just turned 12) are just beginning to go nuts about privacy issues, and I totally understand that, but for a brief millisecond, I considered the possibility that my D was hiding something. She wasn't, but my "parent radar" instinctively kicked in.

Now, here's the issue: My W grew up in an environment where there were no secrets in her house, and aside from the usual secrets that kids keep from their parents, she never hid anything, physical or emotional, from her parents.

I, on the other hand, grew up in an environment where you had to "keep your big mouth shut" unless you wanted to start WWIII. I would see my mother constantly hiding the bills from my dad, lying for my sister to him (my sister had hidden drugs in her room, stole money from family members and snuck out and around with the "wrong" crowd thru her teen years) and my mother would constantly lie for her to the rest of the family in order to "keep dad quiet". So, perhaps I can be forgiven for being a bit suspicious at times.

The W and I are discussing this, and she thinks that I'm worrying too much and making a mountain out of a molehill, considering the worst case scenarios with no real evidence, and I understand this. But at the same time, whenever a kid's parents find out about their kids being into drugs, crime, etc., it always seems that the first words out of their mouths are "I never suspected" or "He was always such a good kid". I think some would call it the "Not MY Kid" syndrome. And, sadly, how many parents were in the "Not MY Kid" syndrome, and only faced the truth when their kid was addicted, standing in front of a judge...or worse?

Now, don't get me wrong-I don't suspect anything sinister from my daughter or W, heck, some would even say that I'm the "good cop" when it comes to raising our daughter, but it took my W, and especially ME by surprise, when my "bad cop" radar flicked on for just a small second. 

So, my question is this: Is it wise for a parent to consider the worst case scenario sometimes, or is it just overthinking and overreacting?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What I did when DD21 was that age, was I talked to her - a LOT. About EVERYTHING. And I explained the logic of everything we did...all the time. So much so that now she operates out of logic - you can't argue with it.

For instance, 'I'm your parent and responsible for you, so until you turn 18 and move out (if you choose), I have the right to know what's going on with you. I may not USE that right (unless I suspect something), but I still HAVE it, legally and morally. Now, you may not like that, you may feel I'm invading your privacy, but the fact remains that I'm responsible for you and if I - as the wiser, more experienced adult - feel that something requires my intervention, you can bet I'll be intervening. So I suggest that you choose the smart path and don't start DOING anything that I may feel suspicious about, if you don't want me sticking my nose into your business."

Bottom line, I never once let her believe that I didn't have ultimate authority over her. Yet I rarely had to use that authority, because she saw the logic in what I told her and warned her about.

When she was about 17, her dad asked her 'how come you're never getting in trouble all the time like all your friends?' She just shrugged and said 'Why would I do something that I know is gonna get me in trouble?'

Can't argue with logic.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> Is it wise for a parent to consider the worst case scenario sometimes, or is it just overthinking and overreacting?


 To openly bring such subjects up is ....just healthy I feel... why fear expressing something. Even if it is just asking a few questions. Our children should never feel threatened by our asking questions, it simply shows we LOVE them. 

Me & my husband are very open with our children.... We allow our kids to argue with us..... within reason. I want to challenge thier minds -to think for themselves, it is never ...Listen to us .... Big speech , then go to your room.... we are not like that. I want their feedback... and honesty at every turn. They will never get in trouble for speaking their minds. 

We don't expect them to be perfect , but if they LIE & blatently HIDE something that they know we would not find acceptable for the way WE LIVE as a family ...... this is 10 X worse than messing up in something small & coming to us...in the beginning, when it is the size of a "seed". I would even THANK THEM for coming to us...and have done so. We can easily handle that. 

Our 1st son & myself have always been very open like this.... he has been a model son.. our 2nd is falling in his foot steps , with each passing year, the communication has grown. Our 3rd son is a bit quieter...I may just have to ask more questions, but he never balks... 

We are very realistic parents...... we know they go to a Public school where drugs are being used and bad kids attend. We also would not hesitate to search thier rooms, their belongings if we felt something was amiss.. Until they are 18 & still under our roof, we are Responsible for them....this IS huge. 

My husband is very funny... this is how we are.......We don't hide or try to sheild their eyes from the stark realities of life .... we talk about all the BAD crap in society....he will go into great disturbing detail how.....you want to do drugs...be forwarned.... this causes craters in your face- the chicks will say "Ewww what the hell happend to your face" & run....in their highs... they might jump out of a window (knew a kid that did that ) & get paralyzed & spend the rest of their life in some smelly home with mental patients, they'd be broke eating out of dumpsters...

If they land in jail... we wouldn't bail them out either. That's how we talk to our kids. 

We WANT them to see the dark foreboding picture of how these things...each & every vise can destroy your life & future. 

We are huge on Consequences...If they destruct someone's property, they will go knock on that person's door, they will apologize, then they will dig in thier own pockets, work with hands ...to repair above & beyond what they destroyed. (this has never happened).

Our kids have no desire to deal with such consequences, which they KNOW we would enforce, we would be harder on them than even a Judge would. 

In our experience so far...it is more the way they openly & willingly TALK To us every day, that we feel "confident" they are on the right path in life... my sons will come home & literally tell us about the Bad kids, what they said in school...things that have happened, how they feel about it , I've heard them express righteous anger on so many occassions, it is very encouraging to me.. as a parent. 

Also the type of friends kids hang with.....could be a warning of things to come if they get into the wrong type crowd.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

It's fine to consider the scenarios, and you should definitely try to have a relationship with her where YOU are honest with HER so that she learns that honesty and trust are valuable to you, not just something you require of her. 

There are three things likely to cause her to be more secretive with you about important things:

- She finds out that you or your wife lied or hid something from her, especially if it affects her. If the people closest to her lie to her, she will not respect you enough to be honest with you. You have to walk the talk yourself. Teens HATE what they perceive as hypocrisy, and they take their cues from your behavior.

- "Punishing" her for telling the truth. What I mean by that is, if she does confess to something, don't bite her head off and make her feel sorry that she didn't lie or hide it in the first place. Alternately, if she asks permission to do something and you refuse out of hand (like if you are _imagining _a worst case scenario that might not actually be the case). People learn to lie if they find out that telling the truth just gets them into trouble, or if you always say no so they figure they might as well not tell you about it and do it anyway.

- Turning your home into a prison. Don't let your fears of worst case scenario cause you to be too strict with her. Respect her privacy, too. All that teaches her is that you don't trust her, don't respect her, and she'll have to find better ways to hide things.

Foster open communication with her, encourage her to be open with you about anything, teach her right from wrong, and show her that trust and respect go both ways.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The most important thing I did with DD21 is to tell her that I will never judge her. I may dislike what she DOES, but it would never make me dislike HER. She didn't believe me, but she said recently that she was surprised that I was telling the truth, and she loved me for it, and how different I was from everyone else's moms.

But not judging her allowed her to know that she could share anything with me, and I mean anything. I know everything about her AND all her friends. I'm her confidante.


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## supermommy123 (Apr 5, 2012)

Yeah for a toddler to grow up in a healthy environment it's necessary to encourage him/her for their activity, moreover, give them independence to judge the work they do. Make them realize that you are the one to share all their stuff. This will tend to help you to create great bonding with your kids.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I've been doing a lot of thinking about it, and I guess that the overprotective parent aspect (which disguises itself as the "bad cop" at times) does pop up from time to time-I just hope that I have the patience to discuss these issues with my D and foster a great father-daughter relationship at the same time.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There's nothing a daughter wants more than time with her dad.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Turnera, I wish you were my mom. :smthumbup: I learned very early that my mother was frightening, so I hid most things. Even now, she complains that I do not share things with her and we are not close friends. I just don't feel emotionally safe with La Maman. She loves to gossip and she is very old fashioned. If I was hurting or needed help, my mother is the last person I would call. 

I was a very responsible child and young adult. However, that did not stop my parents from thinking I was going to make the worst choices all the time. They shielded me from EVERYTHING. When I began to spend nights at a boyfriend's home, my father threatened to kick me out and kept telling me I was going to get pregnant. I had my mom's permission to stay over, but every time I did my father screamed at me the next day; utter nonsense about how I was going to bring home a baby and blah blah blah. He never thought I was smart enough to use birth control.  Bricks. My youngest bro was given the most freedom and he got some ghetto girl pregnant while he was in college. Of course, he is male so he was supposed to have more rights. 

I was not allowed to date until I was eighteen because my parents felt that eighteen was old enough to start having sex. They were certain that if they let me date even a week before that milestone, I was going to run out and have sex. Guess what? I snuck behind their backs for a year to see my first boyfriend, but I still never lost my virginity to him until I was eighteen.

I post about my parent's mistakes because I want the mothers and fathers on TAM to see the downside of a totalitarian and abusive upbringing. I had to answer my mother "Yes Mom" at all times, like it was the army. I moved out at age 21 with nothing to my name because I couldn't take it anymore-I was tired of having a 12AM curfew when my brothers could stay out all night, cleaning like Cinderella every single day and being hit like I was a child. I went NUTS once I left jail-I mean home:rofl:- and I put myself in many dangerous situations. The years between 21-24 were rife with recklessness, promiscuity and impulsiveness. I know I would have been less crazy if I had a normal adolescence.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Thanks, FYD. I've tried really hard to be a good mom who doesn't push her kid away. The result? I'm DD21's best friend and, even if I WANT time alone, DD21 still wants to reach out to me. I can't complain. (but sometimes I still do)


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

The more my parents clamped down, the more she rebelled.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

F-102 said:


> The more my parents clamped down, the more she rebelled.


I often joke about my sons..... their form of rebellion is to "Be Good". I give them near 100% freedom, so long as they talk to me about their life & what is going on.....which I couldn't ask for more. 

I asked them one day if they wished I was like other Moms, specifically some of their friends Christian Moms...our one son gave me this horrifying look and said... "God NO, we wouldn't be allowed to do anything!".

We treasure the openness we have with our kids, and I know it means alot to them also.


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## gav (Nov 13, 2011)

There are no secrets in our home.

The kids all know that we may randomly check stuff.

We usually only do when there's something that triggers a concern.

The only time we've ever gotten the 'youre invading my privacy' line was when there was something to hide and the kid didn't want to get busted. That line doesn't fly here.


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