# Religious Differences Causing Separation/Divorce



## pinkpeony (Dec 10, 2017)

This is my first time posting and I am in desparate need of some guidance from an unbiased source. My husband and I got married almost 2 years ago and have been together for 3. We are both in our mid-20's and this is the only marriage for both of us. He is an American-born Muslim who was raised in the south (his family is Lebanese) and I am Christian who was born and also raised in the south. Prior to getting engaged/married, we discussed at length how we would handle religion with any future children. We decided any children would learn equally about both religions and we also would learn about each others. He has attended church with me on occasion/for major holidays and I have gone to the mosque with him as well. We celebrate/recognize both sets of holidays with our families. We've had our share of ups and downs; however, we have always been committed to the marriage. He has consistently been an attentive, supportive, faithful, and doting husband. 

This past fall, I discovered I was pregnant (unplanned) and had an early miscarriage that required surgery. Since this was so devastating, we agreed to indefinitely shelve the timeline of having children until we could sort through this. In the time leading up to this, we felt stronger than ever in our relationship and he even said that multiple times. To me this loss was a very major turning point in our marriage. We went from bickering and arguing occasionally to having a major fight almost weekly, and it has not been the same since.

This past Friday, he was off and I came home early from work. He has a very irregular schedule which has him driving a lot/working long hours and I'm sure contributes a lot to this. At some point, he began discussing therapy for himself and asked me for the name of a therapist. I am in therapy because I'm trying to process the recent miscarriage and the tension it has brought between us. He told me he was feeling confused about his whole life--his career, his religion, and our marriage. He also told me that he doesn't know if he sees me in his future. I tried to stay calm and talk with him through all of this, but I started crying and became upset. He left at one point to get space. He wouldn't tell me where he was or when he was coming back. I left and drove to my parents' house. 

At some point, I was able to make contact with him. He told me that he had been thinking about how life would be easier if he had married another Arab Muslim person, because he could relate more to someone like that. While we were dating, he was actually very ADAMANT about NOT wanting to marry another Arab Muslim. Then, he tells me his religious beliefs have changed since we got married and he feels very strongly that any children should be raised only Muslim, and should not ever go to church or learn about Christianity. He also mentioned that he misses his parents, eating Middle Eastern food at home regularly, and all of the other cultural components. His parents only live 2 hours away (as do mine), but his parents don't want to be inconvenienced by driving, so any visits are made by us driving to them. He reiterated that it was his fault, not mine and that it had nothing to do with me. He also said something was wrong with him and he didn't know what that was. He could not assure me he wanted to stay married to me or spend the rest of his life with me. He also said he feels that he's holding me back and that I would be happier with someone else. He said that he didn't have all the answers and it was unfair of me to expect any answers from him right now because he felt he was having a nervous breakdown.

At that point, I decided to stay at my parents for the weekend, which made him angry. He said that it was unfair of me to be this hard on him when this was his first "hiccup" that he has had in our relationship. At this point, he stopped communicating with me and refused my calls. That evening he called me and apologized for everything and said he was an idiot for hurting me. He said he loves me, but that he is confused and needs therapy to gain clarity. He said he wanted therapy so that he could figure out a way to stay with me. I have no issues with therapy at all, but I can't make myself into something I'm not and I didn't agree to this life. I believe in therapy, but am also very doubtful of therapy magically changing his religious beliefs back to what they were. He asked me if I would come back to discuss things and see if we could work something out. I explained I would come back only to work out the details of a trial separation, but that things are not going back to the way they were. I don't want my identity, religion, or culture chipped away at or belittled and that's what felt like was happening. He said I was taking this too far and that I made this into a bigger deal than it should've been. He said he just needed support and this was a cry for help. I explained that I had tried to help him the night he told me all of this, but him driving away and refusing contact made it very difficult to help him. 

I love this man very much and up until this point, he has been as close to a model husband as anyone could humanly be. However, I am the product of a divorce and I know you cannot change people. I have spent the afternoon trying to make a list of "rules" for a trail separation, but I guess my question is, do I even bother trying a trial separation if I know the religious views most likely will not change? Do I cut my losses and try and move on? I want to salvage this because until this point, I have been happy and truly thought I would spend my life with him, but I also want to be realistic in my expectations.


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## jlcrome (Nov 5, 2017)

The bible does speak of being unequally yoked together and this fits the case. You really got to think about your faith for right now. Continuing in this marriage and having kids exposed to 2 opposing views on God is detrimental. I personally can't risk my future kids knowing that they might reject the gospel cause of the opposing views just speaking of myself. It might come across as trivial to say that but this is serious. Now I'm not going to dig so far as heaven/ hell thing but you get the point. Personally I can't tell ya what to do but the bible is clear if he abandons the marriage you are free take that ticket and run. But if you are serious about working on the marriage make sure you don't compromise you faith. Hope this helps.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

What he describes is not an identity crisis but standard operating procedure among many male Muslims in Western countries.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Take his advice and move on!

In the long run, it will work out far better for the both of you!*


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Sounds familiar...

Lesson I learnt: *Intolerant beliefs can simply not co-exist.*

Quite frankly nowadays I only see *two* religions. Those who think their 'religion' is superior/correct and that all others are all false, and those who simply don't give a sh-t what you believe in.

You can believe in anything, but _you'll always be of those two_, whether you are an atheist or christian or muslim or whatever the pffft! 

Myself (and ex-wife before she pulled a switch like your husband), I find myself on the latter side. Those in the former side, no matter their denomination or beliefs, will always be incompatible.

Sorry, but your husband has pulled a switch. You simply have to decide to whether to abandon your beliefs, or to divorce him. Those are your choices. For your husband, if you go the divorce route, his choices would be either to be tolerant to your beliefs and make compromises that is expected in any marriage, or to lose you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Well I wouldn't call him saying he wants the marriage to end a 'hiccup' as he describes it. 

This is pretty common among non muslim women marrying muslim men. They seem to be moderate or even backslidden, but as soon as the idea of children comes up they suddenly become far stricter and want their children bought up as strict muslims. That's why marrying someone of a different faith wont work. Often the husbands parents will put pressure on him as well about any future grandchildren. 

To be honest, if you are honestly serious about your faith then the marriage has no future and you shouldn't have married him in the first place. Things will only get worse once you have children, because he will insist they are bought up as muslims. It will be constant battle and the children will be in the middle.

I suspect he married you as a sort of rebellion, trying to be western, and now he realises that what he actually wants is a woman who shares his faith and culture. 
However sad it is, I think you have had a lucky escape. If you do get divorced, please make sure that any future man you marry is a Christian. Then you can bring the children up to know and love God.
I think that God has given you a get out clause here, you may do well to take it. Once you have children it will be so difficult for them if you divorce, being bought up in different faith by him when they are with him and you when they are with you. It will be such a mess.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

It's not faith as much as it is culture. Especially if you have daughters . Minimum dating age is 30...


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

You're in a pickle. The Bible is clear that you can't remarry unless your husband commits adultery. You'll be committing adultery yourself if you remarry. If that doesn't sound silly, then I don't know what else to tell you. Perhaps you have a get out jail card since you didn't marry a Christian in the first place like the Bible commands.

If it was me, I'd try a different religion every year. That would be pretty fun. 

I have an issue with children being forced into religions, being baptized before they have pubic hair. Why not let them develop and figure out life on their own?

I don't see your marriage working. He's shown you who he is. You're very lucky you didn't have kids with him. Run while you can.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Look up the term DARVO

Because that is what he is doing to you. It is an extreme form of gas lighting. If this is a ‘hiccup’ I would hate to see what he considers a real problem. 





pinkpeony said:


> This is my first time posting and I am in desparate need of some guidance from an unbiased source. My husband and I got married almost 2 years ago and have been together for 3. We are both in our mid-20's and this is the only marriage for both of us. He is an American-born Muslim who was raised in the south (his family is Lebanese) and I am Christian who was born and also raised in the south. Prior to getting engaged/married, we discussed at length how we would handle religion with any future children. We decided any children would learn equally about both religions and we also would learn about each others. He has attended church with me on occasion/for major holidays and I have gone to the mosque with him as well. We celebrate/recognize both sets of holidays with our families. We've had our share of ups and downs; however, we have always been committed to the marriage. He has consistently been an attentive, supportive, faithful, and doting husband.
> 
> This past fall, I discovered I was pregnant (unplanned) and had an early miscarriage that required surgery. Since this was so devastating, we agreed to indefinitely shelve the timeline of having children until we could sort through this. In the time leading up to this, we felt stronger than ever in our relationship and he even said that multiple times. To me this loss was a very major turning point in our marriage. We went from bickering and arguing occasionally to having a major fight almost weekly, and it has not been the same since.
> 
> ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I am very sorry for your loss. I've been through a miscarriage and a still birth, so I understand the emotional toll you are going through.

Your pregnancy and the loss of your baby seems to have also thrown your husband into some serious changes. As someone said, his marrying you might very well have been some sort of rebellion, but when he was confronted with a pregnancy and baby on the way he probably realized that deep down inside he was far more traditional than he ever realized.

So here you are today with a husband who promised you one thing and is now reneging on it. This is so common with Muslim men who marry non-Muslim women that it's predictable. There is always the promise that both religions will be followed, until the children come along. And then the pressure to raise the children a Muslim starts. Either the woman gives in for family harmony or the children are pulled apart by the two competing religious beliefs... they are so profoundly different that I don't even know how the parents and children can reconcile that.

My advice would be to forget the separation. Most separations end in divorce. You cannot fix anything if you are not together to fix it.

Since you said something about an agreement for separation, here is on that I have in my files. You have to be working with a marriage counselor and have them monitor the separation. As you can see from the things listed, there are some very important topics that would have to be ironed out. A lot of people don't set their sorts of rules for their separation and it just devolves into fighting over money, seeing other people, and a whole slew of other issues.

So here it is if you want to try the separation.... (I'm not suggesting a separation by putting it here)

*Structured Separation *– A temporary, time-limited separation conducted with clear and appropriate guidelines for the purpose of rebuilding the marriage. It is understood that at the end of the separation, one or both spouses might choose to end the marriage if the separation is not successful. It should be done under the leadership of someone like your MC with weekly MC Sessions.

1.	Length of separation: Set a time limit, preferably 3-6 months.

2.	No attorneys: It is agreed that neither spouse will file for divorce during the specified time frame. Both parties have to feel safe and that they will not be blind sided with a divorce filing.

3.	Terminating the contract: Decide whether one spouse can terminate the contract or they both have to come to agreement. But neither party will unilaterally terminate the contract and not inform the other.

4.	Living separately: Spouses decide which one will move out of the home. If at all possible the spouse with the larger income.


5.	Financial Decisions: 


All monies should be split in a fair and just manner. Pay all bills first. Then split what is left 50/50. If one parent has the child more, then figure out child support according to state guidelines and agree to pay this on an informal basis. 

No large purchases (over $200) or debt will be incurred without the express knowledge and agreement of the other spouse. No joint assets will be sold during the separation without the express knowledge and agreement of the other spouse. 

Some couples will decide to continue joint checking accounts, savings accounts, and payment of bills. Other couples will completely separate financial aspects of the relationship.... If there is any chance for [significant] disagreement, each person could take out half of the assets and open separate accounts.​
6.	Confidentiality: An agreement as to who is told and who isn’t. What are you both going to tell other people? Make sure your message is agreed upon by both of you. 

7.	MC Sessions: Agree to only talk about all the hard stuff and the bad stuff at weekly MC Sessions. Here is where you sort out problems that have occurred during the week as well as going back over the old stuff that got you to this point.”

8.	Quality Time to Be Spent Together 

1-2 weekly dates, just the two of you. Start with no more than 1 hour each. Expand the time as you both feel safe. 

1 weekly family date that includes your son. Again start with the 1 hour each and expand as time goes on.

Separate the irritation of your issues and daily life from your selves as former loves. You need a list of taboo subjects.. no talking about marital problems/issues, the affair, money, etc. Only positive fun things. The point is to do something that is fun and enjoyable, and to end before the good time gets ruined. ​
9.	Chat time: If you want schedule chat time to spend together during the week. The time and length of each call would be decided in advance. Again, the point is to eliminate opportunities for arguing.

10.	Administrative Time: Weekly schedule to talk: administrative calls, where you only talk about business or kids-stuff. The time and length of each call would be decided in advance. Again, the point is to eliminate opportunities for arguing

11.	Intimate relations. Whether or not to continue with the sexual relationship.

12.	Personal Growth Experiences: You each can include as many personal growth experiences as feasible, practical, and helpful. 

13.	Relationships and Involvements Outside of the Relationship: No social involvement, romantic, and sexual relationships outside of this relationship. 

14.	Child Custody/Time-Sharing. Establish a joint agreement who your son will be with on which days with as close to a 50/50 split as possible. How/where/when exchanges will take place.

15.	Motor Vehicles: Ownership and titles not be changed until a decision has been made about the future of the marriage.

16.	Privacy and Issues of Trust: 

•	Both must agree about what the children will be told about this separation and the marriage relationship.
•	Access to the others’ mail, email, voicemail, accounts, other’s places of residence, etc.
•	What is the level of transparency needed to help rebuild trust. This must be the same for both parties.
•	Are unannounced spontaneous visits allowed?
•	Is monitoring/tracking the other part allowed?​
17. Religion: How are you each going to handle your religions and how will you handle the two different religions when you are together? The suggestion is that either neither of you engage in the other's religion or you BOTH engage in both religions.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> You're in a pickle. The Bible is clear that you can't remarry unless your husband commits adultery. You'll be committing adultery yourself if you remarry. If that doesn't sound silly, then I don't know what else to tell you. Perhaps you have a get out jail card since you didn't marry a Christian in the first place like the Bible commands.
> 
> If it was me, I'd try a different religion every year. That would be pretty fun.
> 
> ...


The word that Jesus uses is 'pornea', which means far more than just adultery. It means any sort of sexual sin. 
Also if he ends the marriage, because he is an unbeliever she wont be bound to him and can remarry as long as its to another Christian.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

jlcrome said:


> The bible does speak of being unequally yoked together and this fits the case.


The bible also says you can't get divorced except for "sexual immorality". Why cherry pick? IMO she should ignore the bible and do what's in her best interests. 

My wife is a Christian and I'm an agnostic. We do OK. She would love for me to be baptized but she isn't going to ruin our marriage over it. I would spell it out to him. He either has to man up and stick to the deal he made when you married him, or you are going to go your separate ways. In situations like this not being firm almost always gets you into more trouble. You need to spell it out and stick to it and just ignore your emotions. Emotions often lie.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> The word that Jesus uses is 'pornea', which means far more than just adultery. It means any sort of sexual sin.


What constitutes a sexual sin and who made that determination?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Hello PinkPeony and sorry to have you here. I have questions and advice for you. 


When you say you are born in the south, I guess you mean the south of the USA not the south of Lebanon ?

And when you say you are a Lebanese Christian, are you Orthodox or Maronite (Catholic) ? Or were your parents different ?


Now to maybe a not so easy to answer or even controversial question - are you what I would call of Lebanese roots through your ancestry or are you of Palestinian roots (i.e. your parents or grandparents moved to Lebanon from Palestine) ?


All this has bearing on what I am about to say. I know Lebanon and the Lebanese culture and history *extremely* well. As a child, I used to love visiting Lebanon and it was one of the most beautiful and advanced places to see - not to mention that the food too was brilliant and in general the people were very clever. And then the troubles started and the land went to hell (it still is beautiful though).

In my youth, Lebanon consisted of something like 90%+ Christian and less than 10% Druze and Muslim (and even then most of the Muslims were immigrants from Syria, Palestine, Jordan etc). After the arrival of the Palestinians and others the Muslim percentage shot up and many Lebanese Christians left for Europe, the USA etc. Today they all call themselves Lebanese but are not original Lebanese. As such there is a cultural divide between the original Lebanese and the newer "Lebanese". The newer Lebanese (read Palestinians etc) are happier with their own people especially when it comes to family, relationships, marriages etc. Many Palestinians have Muslim/Christian marriages but much much less so in the original Lebanese.

As you probably know they are all referred to as Canaanites and are broadly from the land of Canaan. However, the original Lebanese were referred to as Phoenicians and they followed the Greek way of life (like a Greek colony made up of Carthaginians and Canaanites) and held themselves separate from the Palestinians and Syrians. Mixed marriages between these races often ran into trouble. Now with religious differences thrown in as well, the difference was even worse. Similar situations exist in Iraq where Christian Babylonians, Chaldaeans and Assyrians do not marry with Muslim Arabs.

Which brings me on to referring to yourself as "Arabs". Arabs (from the Arabian desert who spoke Arabic) are not the same as Palestinians, Lebanese, Syrians or Mesopotamians (Iraqis). There are Arabs who may live in some of these countries but the others had their own languages that predate Arabic and there was often an us and them between them and Arabs (even though as a result of Arab conquests, they all speak Arabic now).

So in summary, Palestinian Muslims identify themselves as Arabs whereas the Christians do not. There is a difference in their way of thinking. This is even more so between Palestinian (Lebanese) Muslims and true Lebanese (Christians). Your marriage sounds like it was bound to run into trouble from the start no matter how "Westernised" your husband is.

All it would take would be the loss of a parent, the birth of a baby or something traumatic and spiritually moving for him to question his ways and drive a need to observe Muslim traditions and the religion itself. This is what John may have been referring to when he said it is standard behaviour for Muslim men in the West. And he is right in that it is the same for most Muslim men in the West. They marry a Western girl and claim to be OK with her culture and ways - UNTIL the first born arrives (especially if it is a male) OR his parents die etc. Then he becomes a strong Muslim!

I could help you more because I have seen the very rare cases where this works out but I'll wait to hear from you.

Take care.


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## pinkpeony (Dec 10, 2017)

Hi, sorry for the confusion. I was born and raised in the United States. I'm not Lebanese. I'm just plain old southern American. He/his family is 100% Lebanese and they are Muslim. We were both raised in the southern US. 




manfromlamancha said:


> Hello PinkPeony and sorry to have you here. I have questions and advice for you.
> 
> 
> When you say you are born in the south, I guess you mean the south of the USA not the south of Lebanon ?
> ...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Rhubarb said:


> What constitutes a sexual sin and who made that determination?


I am thinking that things like oral sex, fondling, molesting a child, incest, sex of any sort outside the marriage really. The word pornea is used in the bible to describe many different types of sexual acts.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Rhubarb said:


> The bible also says you can't get divorced except for "sexual immorality". Why cherry pick? IMO she should ignore the bible and do what's in her best interests.
> 
> My wife is a Christian and I'm an agnostic. We do OK. She would love for me to be baptized but she isn't going to ruin our marriage over it. I would spell it out to him. He either has to man up and stick to the deal he made when you married him, or you are going to go your separate ways. In situations like this not being firm almost always gets you into more trouble. You need to spell it out and stick to it and just ignore your emotions. Emotions often lie.


She isn't bound if he wants to end the marriage. 
1 Cor 7 
5 But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. 

We are told to marry another believer which is very wise advise. Someone who is really serious about their faith wont marry someone who doesn't share it. I married a non Christian first time, I wasnt following Jesus Christ seriously at that time, and when that marriage ended after 25 years I knew that I would only marry a strong Christian next time even though that meant that I may well never get married,due to the fact that there are very few available Christian guys of the age I was then(in my 40's).


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> She isn't bound if he wants to end the marriage.
> 1 Cor 7
> 5 But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.


OK but if you look at the paragraph before it's clear she can't leave him. He can only leave her. 

"If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy."

Wow! This is like a Dungeons & Dragons rule book. Rules upon rules with counter rules that only apply in certain cases.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> I am thinking that things like oral sex, fondling, molesting a child, incest, sex of any sort outside the marriage really. The word pornea is used in the bible to describe many different types of sexual acts.


But since her husband ostensibly hasn't done any of these things, in this case they aren't applicable. I guess if I was a Christian I would be considered lucky since my wife cheated on me, so I got a get out of jail free card.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

pinkpeony said:


> Hi, sorry for the confusion. I was born and raised in the United States. I'm not Lebanese. I'm just plain old southern American. He/his family is 100% Lebanese and they are Muslim. We were both raised in the southern US.


Ah that explains a ton of things. Real Lebanese are not Muslims for the most part. So he is probably of immigrant roots (probably Palestinian). And generally a real Lebanese Christian girl would almost never marry a Muslim for the same reasons that you are now facing.

All I can say then is that make sure that if you have kids, he is never allowed to leave with them to Lebanon (remember this advice from me) alone and make sure you have their passports at all times.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Rhubarb said:


> OK but if you look at the paragraph before it's clear she can't leave him. He can only leave her.
> 
> "If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy."
> 
> Wow! This is like a Dungeons & Dragons rule book. Rules upon rules with counter rules that only apply in certain cases.


He is the one who has suggested ending the marriage.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

manfromlamancha said:


> Ah that explains a ton of things. Real Lebanese are not Muslims for the most part. So he is probably of immigrant roots (probably Palestinian). And generally a real Lebanese Christian girl would almost never marry a Muslim for the same reasons that you are now facing.
> 
> All I can say then is that make sure that if you have kids, he is never allowed to leave with them to Lebanon (remember this advice from me) alone and make sure you have their passports at all times.


Yes great advise. So many men have run off with the children back to their country after a marriage break up.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> He is the one who has suggested ending the marriage.


But then he was kind of backing out and he hasn't really pulled the trigger yet. I think we need a ruling from the Game Master on this one. Maybe if she rolls 10 or above on a twenty sided dice she can divorce him with no ill effects.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Rhubarb said:


> But then he was kind of backing out and he hasn't really pulled the trigger yet. I think we need a ruling from the Game Master on this one. Maybe if she rolls 10 or above on a twenty sided dice she can divorce him with no ill effects.


She shouldnt have married him at all. 
In her place I would pray and see what happens, but there is no way that I would risk my children being bought up as muslims.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Rhubarb said:


> But then he was kind of backing out and he hasn't really pulled the trigger yet. I think we need a ruling from the Game Master on this one. Maybe if she rolls 10 or above on a twenty sided dice she can divorce him with no ill effects.


But they have the "ask for forgiveness" loophole. Works out great for molester priests and cheating pastors.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> But they have the "ask for forgiveness" loophole. Works out great for molester priests and cheating pastors.


If they are really following Jesus Christ they wont be doing those things in the first place.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

Hello, PinkPeony,

I have a perspective to offer as I am a devout Catholic and my ex-wife is Muslim. 

From reading your story, it seems to me that your husband fell in love with you, and he was so in love that he was willing to allow a democratic arrangement exist in your marriage with regard to faith. But once you both settled in and children became a real prospect, he changed his mind. I doubt that he intentionally pulled a bait and switch on you. I think that he is finally realizing that he couldn't live up to his promise. In any event, he has shared with you how he really feels now, and since you don't have children together, he wants you to know up front what his position will be moving forward. He is being honest. Obviously he loves you, but he will not be able to reconcile having a children and not raising them Muslim. He is letting you know how it is going to be, and you have to make a decision.

I had to make a similar decision about five years ago. My ex-wife and I were having serious problems. She disappeared for two weeks. She said she was visiting a friend in Idaho, but in truth she was in Malaysia with another man, and there she did her Shahada (Profession of Faith) and converted to Islam. She had grown up Catholic, but she was on fire with her new faith. (I realize that there is a glaring moral contradiction going on here, but regardless, she was deeply into being a Muslim.) We wound up divorcing over her affair, but when her affair crumbled I took her back. I was very reluctant for many reasons, and one of the biggest hurdles for me was she would not go back to Catholicism. She remained a Muslim. After much prayer and internal debate, I decided to take her back. During our recovery, I was clear that I was never going to leave my faith, and under no circumstances were our daughters going to convert to Islam or any other faith, at least not while they were minors. I have raised my daughters Catholic, and they are strong in their faith. My ex-wife continued to practice her Muslim faith, and I went to Mosque with her once. It was a good experience. I would have been open to going more often, but I would have never committed to Islam. She, on the other hand, stopped going to Mass. I regretted that our whole family was not united in our faith. I missed her at Mass on Sundays and other holy days. It felt incomplete, and I was very sorry that she was no longer Catholic and our entire family didn't share a belief in Christ. I envied families at Church who came together. I think that she, on the other hand, resented at times my hard stance. She felt that I judged her beliefs. And there may have been times that I did, but overall, I did not discourage her following her beliefs. We wound up divorcing a second time when she cheated again. I don't believe that our religious differences led her to stray again, but there is no doubt in mind that our different faith backgrounds weakened our solidarity and the integrity of our union. Her infidelity was the bigger issue, of course, but the religion issue definitely was a wedge that divided us.

Unfortunately, it sounds like religion is now a wedge in your marriage as well. You are going to live in a house divided, and your husband isn't willing to compromise when it comes to the children. Actually, I don't blame him. I took the same stand. Shouldn't you also? I would advocate that my children be raised in my faith. We give our children the best, and we want them to believe in that which see as truth and we endeavor to form them in Gospel values. If we don't follow our convictions, we really aren't living our faith. I have heard of families where the children attend a blend of Mass/Services/Mosque/Temple. But that is very rare. St. Monica struggled with this with her pagan husband, mother-in-law, and sons. But she remained persistent in her life of faith and, in the end, was an agent of conversion. Hers was a hard road, but she is a saint now and her faith changed the world. With God all things are possible. At the same time, you may decide not to go down this road. Because your husband is changing the arrangement, I think this might be grounds for annulment. The marriage was invalid from its inception because he never really intended to allow you to have children and raise them Christian. You might look into this with your pastor if your church does annulments. 

Wishing you the best, and I'm sorry that you and your husband find yourself in this dilemma. Godspeed!


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## Amarah (Apr 2, 2018)

@pinkpeony Hi. Just wanna know how you are doing now? I've read your post and we are in the same situation.


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## Get Real (Feb 21, 2018)

Religion is a very difficult topic. I think you need to do your best to save your marriage. I hope you are able to find a good professional to help you thorugh this "for a few years." Everything needs to be out in the table and discussed and checked. Maybe your marriage is worth saving maybe it is not but just quitting so fast. It almost seems as if someone were feeding him some information that is hurting you both. I do not know. What is important for this relationship or one in the future is to not go to your parent's house when you have a problem. It just automatically makes things worse. Couple problems are solved by the couple and with therapist or others like it. Friends and family should be a very last resource. Involving other people imediately will aggravate the problem and moving on will be much harder. You two may make up, but they will never let you forget. 

Maybe you or he at some points say something really hurtful. You two could move on. My daughter tells me that someone treated her poorly and said something hurful to her and his image in my eyes would be tainted for good. Parents and friends would be likely on your side regardless so he would not stand a chance. He would not loger be having an argument with you but with you and your support team.


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