# Insecure and lost



## LostandNervous (Jul 13, 2010)

Well, I've been through a divorce previously (I'm 24) and was married for about a year and a half. I left her because my feelings had vanished and honestly I saw that I shouldnt have married her in the first place but was young =/. I began to see and eventually date my current girlfriend almost right off the bat and grew feelings for her tremendously.

Prior to marrying my ex-wife I had discovered her sexually talking to a guy online and confronted her but she didnt say much except sorry and it was a mistake and we tried to push through it. It ate me alive every day since which pushed me harder to want the divorce. When I got into the relationship with my girlfriend I had talked to her about past sex experiences and although I won't go into detail, she lied to me on two separate occasions. Once was about a guy that was in a relationship and she had only made out with him but no one knew. I had asked her to be honest about everything else and if there was anything else and she pleated that that was the only thing she hid. Well, eventually I found out she had actually done sexual things with him.

I later found out that there was another thing that she lied about to me. It was about an older guy that she was talking to that became inappropriate and she stopped but when I read her text when she was laying down next to me I found out she lied to me and was still in contact with him. That was about a year ago (all of it) and now we moved in together after working out the kinks of our relationship and growing trust as much as possible. She no long talks to other guys that she has had a past with and seems to be honest with me.

I just can't shake this consistent fear that she is doing something wrong behind my back though now =(. She always complained about not having any girlfriends to hang out with and recently got a friend from work to hang out with and they text quite often which im happy. I seem to be re experiencing my distrust now and asked her just out of curiosity one day what they were talking about and she became almost defensive and tried to switch topics. I've been getting the urge to look through her texts but am trying to steer clear of that mistrusting action.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Hi, I'm sure that you are eager to make this the best relationship possible. That means the relationship has to make room for your baggage, which is unfortunate because your baggage include being cheated on and the subsequent lack of trust. The lack of trust you feel, or the recurring doubts you feel are pretty normal considering...

It sounds like you need to have a fully open and transparent relationship. No secrets, share passwords, share logins, share financial info, agree to boundaries about talking, texting, dancing etc with other men. Because you've been cheated on, when she texts with her GF, you are triggered into wondering if it's really another man. Because you've been cheated on, when she is on Facebook or sending emails, you are triggered into thinking she's secretly engaging with another man. As a result, you need to have these thing opened to you and available for you to see for yourself.

I know a lot of marriages function this way and a lot of people advocate that ALL marriages function this way. For me, it would drive me crazy. My H doesn't even know I post here! So there can be a happy safe comfortable way for you and your GF to work out what you each NEED and what you each want.

She needs to understand that for her to get what she wants, your trust, she has to meet your NEED for full transparency. You may not always need it, or you may find it's the only way you can have peace of mind. 

Bottom line, don't feel bad for needing to have transparency and clear boundaries. They are there because someone cheated, she cheated. If she can't deal with this, then you know this is person who neither wants nor deserves your trust.


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## LostandNervous (Jul 13, 2010)

Yeah, I understand completely. She never cheated, my ex-wife did. She did lie to me about a few things but I chose to forgive her. I actually know her passwords and even financial information and it is comforting but I've never wanted to look into it and snoop simply because I'd feel like I'm invading her space and if I found something that bothered me I couldn't confront her. I've had a few times recently that occurred that I could have looked through her phone but just can't do it.

I've looked into therapy for myself and she is 100% aware of my issues (except the desires to snoop) but I'm now worried that me going to therapy will damage my ability to get into my career, law enforcement. She is a great girl and I know in my heart she deserves my trust but I still have issues that I'm afraid will never subside.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

LostandNervous said:


> Yeah, I understand completely. She never cheated, my ex-wife did. *She did lie to me about a few things but I chose to forgive her.* I actually know her passwords and even financial information and it is comforting but *I've never wanted to look into it and snoop simply because I'd feel like I'm invading her space* and if I found something that bothered me I couldn't confront her. I've had a few times recently that occurred that I could have looked through her phone but just can't do it.
> 
> I've looked into therapy for myself and she is 100% aware of my issues (except the desires to snoop) but I'm now worried that me going to therapy will damage my ability to get into my career, law enforcement. *She is a great girl and I know in my heart she deserves my trust but I still have issues that I'm afraid will never subside.*


Tell her these things and ask for permission to invade her space so that you can slowly get back to a place where you can trust. I can't, and I don't think anyone else can either, tell you that looking through her stuff with her permission will help you learn to trust again. Because trust comes from within yourself. 

Having said that, young love really is blind. This is do believe. Not young as in youth, but young as in new. You two really haven't been together that long and so far there have been some dishonest bumps in the road...

Do you really KNOW this person, all of this person? Can you see in your heart, the person you KNOW her to be, a person who may not be fully trustworthy? Do you see shades of grey in everything, can you find compassion for the wrongs a person has done to you? Forgiving her lies in the past is one thing, have you two moved beyond that point so far that she doesn't have to conceal parts of her life in order to have your love, and the same for you. 

You feel like a guy should have faith and trust in his girl, as do a lot of people. But your faith and trust isn't coming... You have to ask yourself, is this a but instinct that you are trying to blunt due to young love, or is this a residual effect of your first marriage?

Look around at the people in your life. Who do you trust? Who do you trust to fully reveal yourself, to lay your heart out for them to see? Why do your trust them?


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