# DDay 2



## Twice (Mar 31, 2013)

Ok I'm the fool.

After trying to R for the last four months I just discovered her email to the OM where she tells him she wants him to court her again.

I am such a fool

I really thought she was trying to make us work only to find out tonight that three days ago she emailed him and said she was still committed to him in her heart.

Ohhhhh my godddd. This hurts as much as the last time.

I'm such a fool.

Soooooo painful.

Soooooo fu^^*+€£ ing painful...


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Sorry kick her to the curb.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I feel for you, man. That is really crappy. Nothing hurts more than seeing your wife exchanging such words with another man...it makes you think, "Who the hell is this person I married?"

Some people know more than me, but many would suggest not confronting her on it yet...doing what you can to establish a gameplan...do some more investigative work...so you already have a plan of action to follow through when you do drop the bomb that you know what she has been up to.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Man that really sucks. I'm very sorry. I think you know what you have to do. I know it's difficult but do not accept any blame for this. This is not your fault. At the very least you finally know the character of your wife. She is not the woman you thought you knew and she is not worth the investment of your emotions.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

So, what now?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Did she ever start having sex with you again?


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## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

It happens when you don't kill the affair the instant you find out. You have to be willing to end your marriage to save it. It is time to be strong, real consequences this time.... No begging, or crying.... She has no respect for you, time to get that back.


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## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

This is what I think you should do.... Print a copy of the email, throw her **** in a bag, place the email and bag on front step.... Go dark. 

DDay 3 would suck even worse.... Not worth it, time to show her who is in charge.


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

The bishop said:


> This is what I think you should do.... Print a copy of the email, throw her **** in a bag, place the email and bag on front step.... Go dark.
> 
> DDay 3 would suck even worse.... Not worth it, time to show her who is in charge.


:iagree:

Yep. Time to show her that it's over by showing her the door.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Look at your previous threads:

The man she almost married

Stuck in neutral...

Your first post:



Twice said:


> First time here... Need help.
> My *GF of 12 years left me for the man she didn't marry 35 years ago.* I got the "In love with you but not in that way" speech. Then we separated. I got my own apt and she started seeing her old flame again. That was a year ago.
> 
> I did all the fix it things...lost 42 lbs, hit the gym, started dating, joined match, reworked my wardrobe, vacationed by myself...
> ...


You have *NEVER* been in R, you've been in *LIMBO*. What you did was wait out the affair...completely the wrong thing to do. All you have ever been to her is the back up plan, plan b, the bench warmer, the 2nd stringer. All the while, the OM was the one who got away. You need to respect yourself, because she has none for you.

She's only been a GF, you're not even married, and you're separated already. You need to let it go. People have been telling you this your whole time here. It's no surprise that you've had DDay #2. 

*LET HER GO*. There are other women out there for you. You can do much better than her. Have faith in yourself.


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

Twice,

I have just been through DD2 10 days ago after 6 months of thinking we were in reconciliation. I have my question marks during that period when HE thought we were back to being hunky dory.

Fool me once, shame on you ... Fool me twice, well, you know ... I sent him out of the door. Never seen him since. First stage of D proceeding kick started.

You may opt for another R if you are strong enough ... But if you are STRONGER, it is time to say NO MORE.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

It's hard to face the truth...You see the raw evidence...Not much more raw than that...It's sad, it hurts like hell. The best thing to do is go through it. Make your own conclusions. You have to see it as a chapter closing and a new one waiting to be written. You choose. You know you don't deserve this. She needs to git. Shut her out completely. You, your life, your time are much more valuable than she is. Go get yourself some coffee, this too shall pass.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

To the curb.
NC, no need at all. Avoid her at work, block her from your comunication devices. Don't protect her from the truth with mutual friends and coworkers.

Move on with your life. Enough of being strung along. You were never more than a potential back up plan, a distraction until the "right" one would pop up. It happens that new one never showed up and she's back to the old one. Shockingly OM is also a back up plan. What makes out of you Plan C at best.

I'm sorry man. Stop wasting your time. Therw's out there someone deserving of your love and respect.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Time to file and move on. I would not let her know your plans, just as she has not let you know hers. Get ahead of the curve this time. Lawyer up quickly and protect your assets.

No need for you to feel like a fool. You cannot control her actions. She is responsible for her BS.

WD


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

workindad said:


> Time to file and move on. I would not let her know your plans, just as she has not let you know hers. Get ahead of the curve this time. Lawyer up quickly and protect your assets.
> 
> No need for you to feel like a fool. You cannot control her actions. She is responsible for her BS.
> 
> WD


Actually he doesn't need to file anything or seek legal counsel because he was never married to her (long time girlfriend) and they have already been separated for a while.

What he just needs to do is finally let her go and just go NC with her.


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## Rollin (May 18, 2013)

Make a plan, and act


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

Twice..... really??? 

get yer head outta yer ass already, brah. 

SHE'S. NOT. WORTH. IT.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I don't know wheter you confronted her about this.
I woulnd't bother.
Just go NC.
Get rid of any memento, picture... to the gabage can.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

I have not read your orig. thread---and seeing what Lord Mayhem stated that you are not married, and that she has been waiting for 35 yrs for her 1st true love to return----YOU HAVE NO CHANCE

As stated before---you are there as someone for her to pass the time with---you have been together for 12 yrs---and not taken vows---WHY IS THAT

No she INVITES him to court her---even while supposedly being in a relationship with you

DO YOU HONESTLY NEED ANYTHING ELSE TO HELP YOU DECIDE WHAT TO DO

It is your life, and we can only throw advice at you you---BUT IF THIS WAS SOMEONE ELSE'S STORY WHAT WOULD "YOU" TELL THEM

It is time for you to move on---you don't have to do anything, legally---just move on----its obvious that this woman you are allegedly with is gonna wait as long as she thinks there is hope for her 1st true love to return to her----well if its been 35 yrs---he ain't coming---but meanwhile you live in misery----do you enjoy being miserable

This is your life, do with it as you will BE MISERABLE AND STAY ATTACHED TO HER SKIRT----OR-----MOVE ON and find another woman to be with---who isn't pining for a lost love that is never coming back.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I hope he hasn't abandoned this thread like his other threads because he isn't reading what he wants to hear. 

Twice, don't spend your life pining away for a cheater that doesn't love you.


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## Twice (Mar 31, 2013)

To LordMayhem and all the others who responded:

I value your imput. Thank you. Your perspective is a lot clearer than mine.

Last night I confronted her about the email. At first she tried to deflect by saying I shouldnt have snooped. I told her Yes i snooped, but it was because I didn't trust her, and I was right. 

She told me the email was a "weak moment". She was dealing with her emotions of the PA part which started a year ago last weekend. 

The ea part started in April last year.

She said the A is truly dead. She said she was sorry she wrote it and it was a mistake. The OM didn't and dosent respond to her. According to her, he cut her loose nd she hadn't seen him since January. I know that part true because hes 6 states away and she and i have been working on R since then. 

She claimed she was done with him. I asked her if he appeared here tomorrow would she want to start up again with him. She said no she knows it is not what she wants... He was a fantasy an illusion, from the past when she was young. 

I told her I am done with her on a personal basis (we still work together). She asked me to not give up on her. She said she still loves me and knows the A was wrong. She said she is still trying to deal with the fact that she committed to an OM and was trying to deal with all the reasons she did that.

I told her to write another email to him telling him it was over in her mind and she wanted nothing to do with him. I told her I wanted to read it. 

I can't tell you where this is going... All I know is every time I tell her we are done, she comes back asking for more time to make it work. She says she's working on it (what ever that means).

I have my own place, and my own friends and if need be I can meet someone new...Im not worried about moving on... I just can't seem to completely get her out of my head... Do I still love her? You bet I do... Do I hate her guts for what she put me through? You bet I do...

Do I think she may someday really be my partner again? Yes, I think we are not done...

Call me crazy, call me a doormatt, call me an idiot, etc. etc... But love does that. Makes you do stupid things. Even things you know you shouldn't do...

Some have asked on this forum why we were never married. The answer is very complicated. It has a lot to do with my ex wife and property claims and alimony. Just know this, there was a time in the beginning when all we talked about was getting married. 

We didnt and that was a misteak... Ive made plenty of misteaks over the last 12 years. I'm sure I'm gonna make some more before this story is finished... 

Part of me doesn't care if I'm doing it "right" I know the 180 would have worked if I had done it in the beginning. There are many things I have read here at TAM that I should have done. Many of you have screamed it at me to just drop her...kick her to the curb, find someone new, respect myself...etc etc. I'm sure that advise would have served me better then doing it the way Ive done it...but I did it this way and I have only myself to blame if it dosent work out.

We shall see what the future brings... I believe there are many ways to achieve the same goal... My way isn't pretty, and it sure is painful... But it is my way. 

Time will tell...


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## N_chanted (Nov 11, 2012)

Good luck to you. I honestly mean that. 

There is no cookie cutter solution for recovery or divorce. No relationship or marriage or family dynamic is the same. 

I for one am routing for YOU. I hope the best for you. And that you find a way through this, with her, or without, and end up safely on the other side.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Twice said:


> I really thought she was trying to make us work only to find out tonight that three days ago she emailed him and said she was still committed to him in her heart.





Twice said:


> She said the A is truly dead. She said she was sorry she wrote it and it was a mistake. The OM didn't and dosent respond to her. According to her, he cut her loose nd she hadn't seen him since January.


The above just told you that the only reason that the affair was dead was because the other man (OM) "cut her loose". They also just told you that although she tried to restart it just 3 days ago, the OM didn't and doesn't respond to her. Bottom line is that she is only with you because the OM dumped her and is not responding to her attempts to restart the affair. The minute that the other man wants a quick and easy f*ck, she will be all over him, and if he tells her to dump you she will.

You cannot continue to waste your life making someone a priority when you are not a priority to them. No good comes from being a backup plan. Do you know what people find out when they finally get away from a toxic relationship? They find that there really is someone special for them out there. Someone that loves them and has them as their first priority. Someone that thanks God everyday that you are in their life. There biggest regret is having wasted so many years of their lives with someone that did not value them and took them for granted. Staying with her now that you have seen that you were in false reconciliation is a bad life decision. You can be happy, if you just give yourself a chance to be with someone that is in love with you and not someone else.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You will do what you will do---no matter what advice you get---but I think you ought to know the following

If you go to websites, where wandering spouses---write in---those spouses that really want a R---do not need to take time to figure it out---they do not say to those who they have hurt terribly-----don't give up on me, just let me figure it out

THERE IS NOTHING TO FIGURE OUT----you either want to be in this relationship or you don't----if she wanted you---she would start moving heaven and earth to do what is necessary to keep you---and that means---SHE DOESN'T NEED F'ing TIME TO FIGURE IT ALL OUT---SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE WANTS---she knows she has F'ed up, and she WILL do all the heavy lifting to rectify the situation, and make a R, work---from that point it is up to what you want----

BUT NOTHING CAN HAPPEN, NOR SHOULD HAPPEN---TILL SHE COMMITS TO YOU FULLY, w/out all the BS, that is coming out of her mouth

She went physical with him, she keeps contact with him, and if he were not 6 states away, she would be with him----no matter what you wanna say---her actions supplant her words----you are 2nd best, and will never be any better off

This may sound harsh---but the truth is the truth, and it is what it is


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Listen to LordMayhem.

Just let her go and move on.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Read this... and prepare.

“There are all kinds of ways for a relationship to be tested, even broken, some, irrevocably; it’s the endings we’re unprepared for.” 
― Katherine Owen, Not To Us


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Twice, this is why 97% relationships that start out as affairs eventually end. Yours just took longer than others. You were the OM in her marriage, and she was the OW in yours.



Twice said:


> Then she got moved away and went to school and got a degree, got a husband, got a kid, and *then met me... I hired her to work at my company. We both got divorces and began living together*. That was 12 Years ago.


And this from another post in that same thread:



Twice said:


> From what I've read here on this sight, that's my first mistake... *She did it to her first husband to begin with me, then she did it to me to start with the OM*. Shame on my for not seeing that as a possibility.
> 
> *Although I left my wife to be with her 12 years ago* I always thought of our R as "forever". That was my second mistake.
> 
> Let me also say, *I now realize what my ex wife must have gone through back then*. She and I have talked about it recently and after i told her i understand what it must have been like for her, we were able to " bury the hatchet" finally... My two kids are really proud that we are now both able to be civil to each other after all these years.


She cheated on her husband with you, then 12 years later she cheated on you. Like they say, if they cheat with you, they will cheat on you. Some would say this is the karma bus finally hitting you. So I can understand why you're giving her so many chances, because you betrayed your wife and two children for this woman. Yes, now you feel the agony of betrayal that your ex wife felt when you betrayed her. You thought you would sail off into the sunset with your affair partner. This is because you were in the land of unicorns and lollipops.

Now, this makes her a serial cheater. But if you want to wait for her, then you should realize that she WILL cheat again. All OM has to is give the signal, which he eventually will when he tires of his current play toy. 

But, this is your life and the decision is yours alone.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

After reading this, I can only say good luck. You've been on both sides of the affair. Not pretty being a betrayed man, is it? IMO, you've given her one chance too many.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Twice said:


> Call me crazy, call me a doormatt, call me an idiot, etc. etc... *But love does that*. Makes you do stupid things. Even things you know you shouldn't do...
> 
> ...
> 
> ...


I dont think it's "love". I think it's more a lack of self-respect.

Be glad you didnt get married. It doesnt look like a mistake now given what she has done.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Twice said:


> She said the A is truly dead. She said she was sorry she wrote it and it was a mistake. The OM didn't and dosent respond to her. According to her, he cut her loose nd she hadn't seen him since January. I know that part true because hes 6 states away and she and i have been working on R since then.
> She claimed she was done with him. *I asked her if he appeared here tomorrow would she want to start up again with him. She said no she knows it is not what she wants*... He was a fantasy an illusion, from the past when she was young.


Man, if you believe this blatant lie you are in deep denial.
She NOW knows what she wants? She has been persuing OM untill as recetly as that email. Yesterday. The only reason she's not with him is he doesn't want her at all. What another possible plausible reason can be?
Of course she can't switch her emotions at will just because OM rejected her. As a matter of fact she's fighting the rejection which makes OM even more present in her mind. She loves OM, not you. And she will love him for a while. And even she finnaly comes to grip with that rejections it doesn't means she will fall in love with you again. She has been using you as a back up plan all the time. Why not?

Please, stop calling her, stop engaging.
Do you know why you don't want her to prove herself? becasue deep down you know she can't.

It's a complete false R, you weren't in R at any moment. That's why she refused to any kind of intimacy with you. She just got busted again. 

Your situation (partner in love with another man, rejected by him) mimics mine. I only decided to give a shot to real reconciliation 9 months after DDay. I needed that time for her to prove me I was worth (and we were married with three kids to protect).


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Acabado said:


> Man, if you believe this blatant lie you are in deep denial.
> She NOW knows what she wants? She has been persuing OM untill as recetly as that email. Yesterday. The only reason she's not with him is he doesn't want her at all. What another possible plausible reason can be?
> Of course she can't switch her emotions at will just because OM rejected her. As a matter of fact she's fighting the rejection which makes OM even more present in her mind. She loves OM, not you. And she will love him for a while. And even she finnaly comes to grip with that rejections it doesn't means she will fall in love with you again. She has been using you as a back up plan all the time. Why not?
> 
> ...


:iagree:

I have to agree here.. it sounds like she'd knock him over and step on him to get to the other guy if he came calling...


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

You clearly are plan B for her. She only talks about remaining with you because the OM does not want her anymore. He got what he wanted and now is tired of her. You deserve better than being the fall back guy because she cannot keep the OM that she wants. She clearly has no respect for you at all. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

So you left your wife to be with her and she did the same to her husband.... You have a 3% chance of this working, and now that she cheated again (serial cheater) you have a 0% chance. Serial cheaters continue to cheat, because we love the initial high from it. That high is gone with you, time for her to find another to get it back.

You know she is hurting inside now too, because the OM is doing to her what she is doing to you. Misery loves company.


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