# Counseling?



## corkysaville (9 mo ago)

What are your experiences with counseling? Husband and I have issues communicating and intimacy and other things. The lack of intimacy is mostly because I have gained weight and we like never get along but anyways....what is the purpose of a counselor? Feel like we are starting to fall out of love with each other. We have sex maybe 1 a month... if that. I'm not the most hideous looking person but I have gained a few pounds so what are your thoughts? What can I expect from therapy?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Therapy can be very helpful, _if_ you choose the right therapist and if you are both committed to changing (yourselves as well as each other).

Therapy isn't easy or fun, and depending on the issues things may feel worse before they feel better. It's something that you have to chose to stick with, even when it's hard, uncomfortable, awkward, etc.

It can absolutely help for communication. It can also bring you closer together. And it can help with intimacy issues as well, though depending on the issues that may need individual therapy or a sex therapist. It's not a magic wand though. You have to do the work and really want to change.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

corkysaville said:


> What are your experiences with counseling? Husband and I have issues communicating and intimacy and other things. The lack of intimacy is mostly because I have gained weight and we like never get along but anyways....what is the purpose of a counselor? Feel like we are starting to fall out of love with each other. We have sex maybe 1 a month... if that. I'm not the most hideous looking person but I have gained a few pounds so what are your thoughts? What can I expect from therapy?


I agree with @bobert and would also add that all therapists are not created equal. Don’t stay with one that is not helpful or leads you down the wrong path. Do your research up front on what areas they specialize in and then feel them out to see if they fit you.

My most recent MC missed a couple big things and had us try some things that missed the mark. So don’t blindly trust their advice. But let it help & guide you.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

As someone who's done marriage counseling, it's a waste of time and doesn't work.


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## DallasCowboyFan (Nov 20, 2012)

Therapists can help you fix things if you are both ready to do the work. If he isn't turned on by you anymore, I'd ask him to check his testosterone levels. If he seems to have changed through the years, is more lethargic and not as into you, it very easily could be low testosterone.


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## corkysaville (9 mo ago)

thunderchad said:


> As someone who's done marriage counseling, it's a waste of time and doesn't work.


How long did you go for? Do they just interrogate you?


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## corkysaville (9 mo ago)

DallasCowboyFan said:


> Therapists can help you fix things if you are both ready to do the work. If he isn't turned on by you anymore, I'd ask him to check his testosterone levels. If he seems to have changed through the years, is more lethargic and not as into you, it very easily could be low testosterone.


Oh yeah good luck with that. We used to be at it like rabbits sorry for tmi but we barely make out and no foreplay ever.. like its bad. Makes me feel like im a bag of skin.


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## corkysaville (9 mo ago)

DallasCowboyFan said:


> Therapists can help you fix things if you are both ready to do the work. If he isn't turned on by you anymore, I'd ask him to check his testosterone levels. If he seems to have changed through the years, is more lethargic and not as into you, it very easily could be low testosterone.


and by a coulple pounds, ive gained about 50 pounds since we met in college 7 years ago


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

corkysaville said:


> and by a coulple pounds, ive gained about 50 pounds since we met in college 7 years ago


That is quite a bit. Could you guys work together to reach your health goals as a couple? Sometimes that can bring people together and it would solve multiple issues at once.


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## corkysaville (9 mo ago)

thunderchad said:


> That is quite a bit. Could you guys work together to reach your health goals as a couple? Sometimes that can bring people together and it would solve multiple issues at once.


we are working on it together actually but I just feel so self conscious that everything I do and eat, I feel that I am disgusting him. It just sucks because I went through a lot with my mother passing, we were very close, and then we got married young and then I just had a baby too so its a lot at once.. and hating myself along the way for treating my body like this.. I just HATE the way i look, feel like I don't deserve happiness bc of how I let myself go.


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## GoodDad5 (9 mo ago)

thunderchad said:


> As someone who's done marriage counseling, it's a waste of time and doesn't work.


I can agree with this. When my wife and I tried it 15 years ago it was a waste of time and money and we still argue about the same thing (sex).


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

If therapy isn't working it's because you need a new therapist, you aren't doing what is required, and/or your partner isn't doing what is required.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

corkysaville said:


> What are your experiences with counseling? Husband and I have issues communicating and intimacy and other things. The lack of intimacy is mostly because I have gained weight and we like never get along but anyways....what is the purpose of a counselor? Feel like we are starting to fall out of love with each other. We have sex maybe 1 a month... if that. I'm not the most hideous looking person but I have gained a few pounds so what are your thoughts? What can I expect from therapy?


I have had very positive experience with marriage counselors (2) and a sex therapist (1). The key to success is that both of you have a commitment to making the marriage work, shared values, and choose a referee carefully.

The purpose of the counselor in my opinion is in my opinion to help the two of you work toward some common goals that are set up at the start of the counseling session. Their job is to provide you with educational materials, exercises, homework reading, and skill building, as well as serving as a referee in difficult discussions between the two of you and finally, in providing you with periodic feedback on whether you are making satisfactory progress or should find someone else or give up and divorce.

If the problem is a sexual problem get a marriage counselor that is a board certified sex therapist. If the problem is not primarily sexual in nature that a good marriage counselor should be fine. But you really need to carefully choose them. I prefer certain approaches to marriage counseling. I like the Sue Johnson emotionally focused therapy and the Gottman approach developed over the course of the their Love Lab observations and studies. There are many others, but study the different methods and find a marriage counselor that practices a style that the two of you can relate to.

Unless you H is truly a shallow person, the problem is probably not really your weight. In the case of my wife, she did gain weight after two children. I was fine with that. What I was not fine with was it interfered with her self-image, desire to have sex to the point that she ultimately told me she never wanted to have sex with me again. Don't be surprised if in your marriage counseling sessions you learn that you each have contributed to the problems in your marriage and that you each need to focus on your commitments to make your marriage work, which will involve making hard and difficult changes for the sake of your marriage.

Good luck.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

GoodDad5 said:


> I can agree with this. When my wife and I tried it 15 years ago it was a waste of time and money and we still argue about the same thing (sex).


If the issue was sex, did you work with a board certified sex therapist or just a marriage counselor?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

corkysaville said:


> we are working on it together actually but I just feel so self conscious that everything I do and eat, I feel that I am disgusting him. It just sucks because I went through a lot with my mother passing, we were very close, and then we got married young and then I just had a baby too so its a lot at once.. and hating myself along the way for treating my body like this.. I just HATE the way i look, feel like I don't deserve happiness bc of how I let myself go.


Look, if this is a weight loss issue, go to a weight loss specialist. This can range from a hypnotherapist to a doctor supervised weight loss program. There are whole industries geared around this problem. 

Separate the weight loss from your marriage therapy, unless it is a symbol for something else. If this really is a marriage problem during the marriage counseling sessions set up objectively measured weight goals that will result in progress on resolving marriage issues. Then turn that set of goals over to the weight loss professionals and see if they can help you achieve them or suggest more reasonable goals. Then take those weightloss goals into your marriage counseling sessions and report progress on achieving them on a monthly basis. Get your marriage counselor to suggest some "celibrations" with your husband on achieving some milestone weight loss goals and share those with your weight loss professional. 

Good luck.


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## GoodDad5 (9 mo ago)

Young at Heart said:


> If the issue was sex, did you work with a board certified sex therapist or just a marriage counselor?


Marriage Counselor. She refused then and still refuses now to see a sex therapist.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

GoodDad5 said:


> Marriage Counselor. She refused then and still refuses now to see a sex therapist.


The reason she won't see a sex therapist is either that she doesn't know that they are marriage counselors with extra training in sexual problems or that she understand that she has sexual problems that will need to be discussed and examined in counseling and she wants no part of that out of either guilt or fear.

No matter what you do, unless she is willing to change some of her habits and you are willing to change some of yours, things will continue to deteriorate. She has to want to commit to rebuilding the marriage. If she doesn't it is not worth the effort or money. 

You have to figure out exactly what you want for your future and what price you are willing to pay to achieve it. You should tell you wife what your decision is after you have made it and let her have sufficient time to change her mind, should she want.

Good luck.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Yeah, MC can be very helpful if both partners are willing to engage with it and each try to change themselves. 

Where it _doesn't _work is if each partner tries to persuade the counsellor that they are right. They plead their "case" and try to rebut whatever their partner may say. Any good MC needs to firmly put a stop to that. It's not a courthouse. 

My best advice is to find a MC who _specialises_ in couples and has extensive training and experience in it. Like at least 80% of their work is couples. NOT a general counselor who includes "relationship work" in the list of many things they do.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

50 lbs is a large and very unhealthy weight gain that significantly impacts not only your appearance but your mobility, functioning and how you feel. You are a different person than when you got married so this is not just about how you look in a bikini. 

As a guy, I have to assume that if I were to gain 50 lbs my partner would also lose a lot of attraction, desire and respect for me as well. 

With that in mind, there are things counseling can and can not do. What it can do is open channels of communication so people are able to discuss their needs and understand the other person's perspective and needs better. 

If there is some kind of roadblock that is hampering someones desire or affection or esteem for their partner, counseling can help them communicate that so the other can be aware of what the issues are. 

Counseling can also help people establish healthier and more productive and less destructive methods of conflict resolution and more constructive ways to address issues. 

Counseling can shine some light into dark corners of yourself that you yourself may not be aware of. 

What counseling can not do is change someone's character or make them like things that they dislike or unlike things they do like. It can not make someone love or desire someone else. It can not transform a mean A-hole into a nice person. It can not change someone. It can only provide some knowledge and tools to help people change themselves. 

So counseling may help your H communicate better what is hampering his desire for you. ....... but you must be prepared for it to come out that what is hampering his desire and connection to you might be your weight which he has already stated.

And it may be other things along with that too like you seem angry and irritable all the time and/or depressed and moody and stressed all the time. 

And it will likely come from you that he is not helping with childcare enough or doing enough around the house or being emotionally supportive enough with all your stress and anxiety. 

A guy can change more diapers and can do more dishes and laundry. But things like emotional support and validation etc are foreign languages to men and they often have no concept of how emotional support and validation can be put into a physical nuts and bolts form. Men build pyramids and rocket ships to the moon and invade foreign countries but those are all physical tasks and men live in physical, task-oriented worlds. Counseling can sometimes help bridge that gap between the emotional and the physical.


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## Arkansas (Jan 30, 2020)

for me, counseling was the counselor planting ideas on why my ex committed adultery and why she was doing what she was doing

the counselor would say " did you have __ issues as a child? maybe that's why you did what you did" and my ex would later say "I had* _* issues as a child, that's why I did it "

excuses - all of them - no real substance IMO and just deflecting personal responsibility

I won't say it was all worthless - but a lot of it was - and the counselors I know in life are more f'd up than normal people


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Arkansas said:


> for me, counseling was the counselor planting ideas on why my ex committed adultery and why she was doing what she was doing
> 
> the counselor would say " did you have __ issues as a child? maybe that's why you did what you did" and my ex would later say "I had* _* issues as a child, that's why I did it "


Yeah, that's terrible marriage counseling.


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