# Did I fall out of love with H?



## LVF (May 5, 2013)

I'm mid-twenties and have been with my H for 3 years now. No kids. Since we got married, he confessed he took me for granted and didn't pay enough attention to me (lack of intimacy and emotional investment). After a couple of years I finally made him realize how bad it was becoming and almost threatened to leave. He did change for better. However, I feel I lost the connection, plus to be with him now I will have to give up a few professional and personal plans I always dreamed about. 

I do like him as a partner, I like to chat with him, spend time with him, but I don't desire him in a romantic way right now and often find myself dreaming of being single again. I guess I am too young and maybe I feel out of love. Yes, people say we can work on that, but I don't even know if I want to work on it as I'm afraid I will spend my youth just to figure out he was not the one... Did I definitely fall out of love with my husband? I feel empty with the idea of him leaving my life, but is that love and attraction or I just go used to him and the emptiness would be gone after a year or so? 

It does bug me a LOT that I have to leave some of my dreams behind as it involves moving to a different continent to follow him and stay together as a family. I don't want to become bitter in a few years and then there is no way back...


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Sounds like you met somebody else?


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## LVF (May 5, 2013)

No. Although I daydream about that scenario. But I'm afraid that, even if I break up with my H, the passion will go away in every other relationship. It's confusing to me.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Yes, it sounds like you have fallen out of love. 

It is not uncommon. There was a time when I fell out of love with my wife. The fact is that unless you feed your relationship it will die. Love is basically a chemical mix in your brain that gives you the "in love" feeling. Often for new couples this is characterized as infatuation and it should transition to a slightly different chemical mix which creates long term love. If you stop doing the things that created the love for your spouse then the transition to long term love stops as well as the infatuation type. See the link in my signature about fog v. Love for more boring details of the chemistry of love.

It is possible to fall in love with your spouse again. Start dating again. Do exciting things together that encourages the chemicals. It's about having fun again. For me I worked on communication, increased together time and shared some of her interests. It took awhile but I fell in love again and it was as exciting as the first time. Now we both take more care not to resort to letting the monotony of earning a living and kids interfere with our relationship. 

I bet if you seriously tried you can fall in love again with your husband. Please give this a try before moving on. I would have regretted it if I hadn't knowing what I know now.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Why don't you try an experiment.

This experiment will result in either reestablishing the connection with your husband, or will help you maintain a connecdtion with a future husband.

That experement is to meet his emotional needs even though he is not meeting yours.

IN what way have you met or failed to meet your man's needs? That is the main thing for you to dwell on, rather than all the things he is doing wrong.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

LVF said:


> But I'm afraid that, even if I break up with my H, the passion will go away in every other relationship.


I fear that you are correct.

Leave your husband. For HIM. He now knows what he did wrong and can fix it in future relationships.

My wife hasn't loved me for a long, long time. She never will again. But it's too late for me. I'm old and with a family. The only thing I hate about my wife right now is that she stole that from me. It has been decades since a woman has been passionate with me and it will never happen again.

Leave him. For him, not you.


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

edit to add: my bad didn't read the first post closely enough


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

From an older thread.



LVF said:


> *I'm young, fit and take very good care of myself.* Everywhere we go, people make nice comments on my appearance and my H (almost 3 years together) jokes on how lucky he is. He says the same to me in private. However, his actions don't reflect what he says. Intimacy, not just sex, is in dramatic low levels and I think it just entered a new stage: I'm losing some of my self-esteem. I feel less pretty, less attractive but not sure why.
> 
> *I tried to talk with my H about his LD and our lack of intimacy several times but he either changes topic or forgets about it after 10 mins,* after showing some concern in the beginning. When I said we were becoming room mates and not a couple anymore, *he laughed "You are so funny! Room mates, that was a funny one! Lets go for a coffee?" *
> *He denies there's any problem, saying he's just stressed and that I'm obsessed. He was complete a "bite and switch". It's been like this for the last 2 years, but I've been insisting more lately as I get tired.*
> ...



First off, he's gay. Young and fit? He should be going at you like a teenager on a date with the class s.l.u.t.

Second, he has NO IDEA you are ready to leave him over any of this. He is not taking you seriously. Once you leave him (again, for HIM, not you) his world will crash. Get out. You don't want to deal with that part. 

Send him a copy of this thread so he can see EXACTLY why his world crashed. He will see it is his fault. He WILL NOT treat future wives the same way. I guarantee that. 

Go ahead and leave. But please make sure he knows exactly why you did.


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## LVF (May 5, 2013)

meson: thanks a lot for your feedback. that is what I keep in mind to avoid giving up. How long did it take for you to re-connect with your wife? And how old (more or less) were you at the time? Did you have kids at the time? Was that one of the reasons why you tried harder? 



> Leave your husband. For HIM. He now knows what he did wrong and can fix it in future relationships.


That is what I thought, especially because he is older than me. However, he was the one asking me to stay because he says I'm everything good he has in life. I didn't want to be reckless and mean. 



> First off, he's gay. Young and fit? He should be going at you like a teenager on a date with the class s.l.u.t.
> 
> Second, he has NO IDEA you are ready to leave him over any of this. He is not taking you seriously


I wouldn't say gay. But he has a very strong intellectual component in his life that would totally absorb me from the real world. Another fear is that that is his real personality and he will go back to the old habits once we have children and take me for granted again (a couple of months ago he would run away from the idea of kids, now he suddenly talks about having a bunch every day...) 
He finally took me serious, but I am afraid it is too late.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

LVF said:


> He finally took me serious, but I am afraid it is too late.


If you don't have someone else it is NOT too late! The same time and effort you would put into a new relationship you could put into your marriage.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

LVF said:


> meson: thanks a lot for your feedback. that is what I keep in mind to avoid giving up. How long did it take for you to re-connect with your wife?


Be VERY careful taking advice from a man about reconnecting with a wife. There is a term called walk-away-wife. There ISN'T a term for walk-away-husband. And I have NEVER heard a call for one.

It seems obvious that men and women are wired differently. But when it comes to what we need in relationships, it's not even close.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

committed4ever said:


> If you don't have someone else it is NOT too late!


I've been on these boards a LONG time. A lot longer that my sign-up date would indicate. Women drop like flies from their marriages. They RARELY come back. I haven't seen it anyhow. If she thinks it's too late, it almost assuredly is.


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

I have to agree that it is most likely over.... it seems that he is completely been ignoring the issue.

Now, my relationship involved some violence, but before it did there were a few things that he would not address (like compulsive lying etc) and I couldn't look at him the same way anymore.

To be perfectly honest? Why would you give up your career and life for someone not willing to look at the relationship when you said there were problems?

I'm in my early 30's and if there is one thing I have learned- don't count on anyone to make you happy or to sacrifice their life for you. They probably won't and you will be stuck with regrets.

If he is serious about the relationship he needs to consider your life goals. Period.

To expand on this- women are taught to be submissive and caring. When we are not there must be something wrong with us or as one poster pointed out - maybe you are already seeing someone else.

I think that is a bunch of bull. You are young, recently married, and in a relationship that has caused you nothing but pain. A relationship where you were neglected and not listened to. Why would you still love this person?

Read some of the posts on here, especially of the women who chose to ignore their gut feeling (and be "nice" and "accommodating") and move states or countries away from support. It leads to nothing good.

The "dating" thing is a classic MC first step. You can try it. But if he is not willing to put his plans on hold (to move) why should you?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

At last you should try marriage counseling first. I am assuming you aren't Christian?


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

LVF said:


> However, he was the one asking me to stay because he says I'm everything good he has in life.


But you're not. Neither one of you understand this right now. Despite problems, I thought my wife and I were on the same page regarding our love for each other. She was my WORLD. I was hers. No problem could ever change that.

But then I REALLY discovered my wife didn't love me. Truly understood it. It was a single sentence she uttered that crystalized everything that was going on and it hit me like lightning. What that was is unimportant. What matters is that I found out she WASN'T everything good I have in life. She was, in hindsight...nothing. From everything to nothing in the blink of an eye. 

And it was too late. Her not leaving me early robbed me of happiness. Robbed me of something I will NEVER get back again.

I told you it will kill him. But better now than when he's 50 and realizes that no woman has been passionate with him in 30 years. No woman has needed him. Wanted him. And very possibly NEVER WILL AGAIN.

But I'm just one more messed up soul on this board that doesn't know any of the answers, let alone all of them. Go ahead and try to rekindle that spark. But if you don't get it in a preset timeframe (a year?). Leave him. For HIM. Please.

And although I realize this should be able to go unsaid, no kids until it is straightened out.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

MrK said:


> I've been on these boards a LONG time. A lot longer that my sign-up date would indicate. Women drop like flies from their marriages. They RARELY come back. I haven't seen it anyhow. If she thinks it's too late, it almost assuredly is.


Well ok. I'm just a hopeless romantic who took vows seriously. Infidelity and physical abuse are my only deal breakers. But I only been married 8 years so what do I know (NOT being sarcastic).


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## Row Jimmy (Apr 15, 2013)

If I quit on my 33 years of relationship every time I felt like quitting or didn't feel "in love" anymore or wasn't getting my needs met to my satisfaction I'd be doing a whole lot of quitting. 

But after saying that... I think you got married too young and the way you are talking does sound like you really want to explore other options. 

There is no shame in quitting, expecially before any kids or any cheating gets invloved. 

Be honest with yourself and with him and ensure you've done everything possible to try to work it out so you have no regrets down the road. 

Good luck!


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

It's alarming that in only a few years, with no kids, you already feel ignored and emotionally shut out. Honestly, I don't see this improving long-term. If you still love him and want that passion back, tell him what's going on and that you're willing to give the marriage a fixed amount of time (say, 6 months) with a marriage counselor to see X changes. I'd recommend separating now too, to really wake him up. Of course, you'll be doing this for YOUR sake, because YOU MATTER. Not for your H, because he's a grown up who can take care of himself. If you do feel the need to take care of him, read Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie. You can't live your life for someone else's happiness, because no one is going to live their life for yours.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

LVF said:


> meson: thanks a lot for your feedback. that is what I keep in mind to avoid giving up. How long did it take for you to re-connect with your wife? And how old (more or less) were you at the time? Did you have kids at the time? Was that one of the reasons why you tried harder?


I was 45 and we have had three kids (then and now). We slid sideways for a few years resentments were in place and we had communication issues. We both had mentioned divorce. Basically I was tired of the frustration and anger and decided to do something about it. We were both not meeting some of the needs of the other. I started to communicate in anway that assumed the best and worked on meeting more of her needs. After about six months she started to be less antagonistic and by about a year she was gushing about how great our marriage had become. We have now been married for nearly 24 years and our best years have been the the recent ones. We both reignited the spark and have benefited from it.

Give it a try, if he doesn't respond and things get worse then you can thow in the towel knowing you went the extra mile to improve your marriage. Don't give up yet.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

MrK said:


> Be VERY careful taking advice from a man about reconnecting with a wife. There is a term called walk-away-wife. There ISN'T a term for walk-away-husband. And I have NEVER heard a call for one.
> 
> It seems obvious that men and women are wired differently. But when it comes to what we need in relationships, it's not even close.


Actually the term for it is wife abandonment. There has been case law about it for hundreds of years. It is not new but since the economics of women have changed so has their ability to walk away.


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

I think the underlying issues between the two of you are getting in the way. That will certainly interfere with emotional intimacy and feeling "in love". If you don't feel you can walk away without any regret or reservations, I think that you should try MC/therapy before giving up on this (if you haven't already given up). But I also agree that you should call it if a certain amount of time passes and you can't reconnect with those feelings.


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

committed4ever said:


> Well ok. I'm just a hopeless romantic who took vows seriously. Infidelity and physical abuse are my only deal breakers. But I only been married 8 years so what do I know (NOT being sarcastic).



Actually I have seen you comment and I really respect you and the kind of relationship you have.

In this case they have not been married for a long time and for that whole period her needs were not only ignored, but pushed aside. And it seems like she is giving up a lot to move with him when she is not certain about the relationship.

I went to MC and first steps are kind of like this:
1. you need to observe and write down the good things your partner does
2. You start to date again, with no emphasis on sex
3. You continue counselling
4. If this isn't working you sign a contract with your partner (with counselor) and commit to x number of weeks and then reevaluate if you want to be in the marriage.

In my mind there is a difference between the person being a good lover, partner etc and it gets old and you have to spice things up. That is normal. And usually if you have a good relationship you can work on this and it can get better. But the foundation has to be LOVE.

I think we can all admit that sometimes what we think is love is something totally different, it's guilt, compassion etc.

I don't think divorce is something that should be done out of haste or whatever. But we as women need to trust in ourselves and do what is best for us, I think a lot of us have too much compassion and are afraid of hurting the other person.
Truth is you are hurting yourself and your partner.

I have so many friends who married for practical reasons and have kids for the same reason. And they are not ashamed to admit this. There are also women who thought they would never get married or felt like it was time. 

Full disclosure, I am out of an abusive relationship. And I knew very early on that this was not what I signed up for. I killed myself physically, mentally... all while trying to save this man from himself. Now I'm trying to become the woman I once was. 

As much as we can believe in a romantic and good marriage, some are beyond saving.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

*Be VERY careful taking advice from a man about reconnecting with a wife. There is a term called walk-away-wife. There ISN'T a term for walk-away-husband. And I have NEVER heard a call for one*

You've got to be kidding. There are LOTS of terms for this, including "azzhole". You can't seriously think that husbands don't just walk away without reason, or without telling the wife the reason, or just because ILYBINILWY....


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

MrK said:


> From an older thread.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Mr K I think overstates but I agree strongly with the above 2.

Think how little sex you are going to have after 2 kids have a go at your breasts and they point south not east. His sex drive will go down from here, not up just do to age.

A husband in love will completely ignore minor to moderate physical faults. Droopy boobs caused by kids? (I know you dont have any) If hes in love he loves those saggy ol boobs. 15 pounds on the azz? He still wants you doggie smacking right right into that 15 pounds too big azz watching those saggy old boobs swing back and forth AND ENJOYS THE SH!T OUT OF IT. Remember a man in love will see you halfway between when he met you and the present. A man in love idealizes the way she looks.

I will disagree with MRK alot of what he says but it is time for a two step process.

1) Honey, your LD is KILLING me both inside and out. NO SUBTLETY ALLOWED. WOMEN HINT AT STUFF AND NEED TO CUT IT THE EFF OUT! HIT HIM OVER THE HEAD THAT IT IS KILLING YOU AND THE MARRIAGE.
2) MC AND FIX IT OR ELSE
3) STRIKE 3 YOUR OUT!

Dont be Mr K in female form. With no kids you are young enough to start over. DO NOT GET PREGGERS! And if you do Divorce. Next man, have a frank (no hints allowed) discussion about how many times you need his c0ck between your legs and the fact that him stopping dating you IS NOT ALLOWED. 

Women NEED attention. They crave it. If they didnt, players would not be so successful.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

If you people think a woman falling out of love with her husband is the same as a man falling out of love with his wife, You are INSANE. You would be implying that men and women are wired the same. And NOBODY on this site can possibly be that clueless.


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## LVF (May 5, 2013)

Thank you all for you comments.

I don't plan getting pregnant any time soon. Actually, the most scary thing and the reason why I think I fell out of love with my H is that I don't feel like having kids with him anymore... He is in good shape, he is not repulsive to me, and I still want to have children, but I freak out with the idea of getting pregnant from him at the moment. And I have no idea if this will ever change again. 

He didn't use to pay much attention to me and I was very direct the last couple of times. He did change for much better (not sure for how long) and now he is paying attention all the time, but by now I became numb and started to see all his flaws. 

I read somewhere that one of the strategy to fall in love with your partner once again was 1) get a picture of him at his best, 2) get a picture of you at your worse and remember all your flaws. Then everytime you feel like you want to walk away, look at his nice picture and remember that you are not perfect. *What do you think about this strategy? *
I didn't agree with that at all, as I don't believe that lack os self-esteem should be the reason why you continue with your partner...but I also confess that I am not too afraid to walk away at this point because I am young, I know I could find many other partners (but not sure if "the one") and my issue with my H is not about good-looks. What I don't know is if I will ever find such a honest and reliable man.


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## LVF (May 5, 2013)

MrK, your point is that when women fall out of love it doesn't come back because they attach more importance to the non-physical side and that is nearly impossible to recover?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

MrK said:


> I've been on these boards a LONG time. A lot longer that my sign-up date would indicate. *Women drop like flies from their marriages.* They RARELY come back. I haven't seen it anyhow. If she thinks it's too late, it almost assuredly is.


I wish TAM would hire a statistician and conduct polls and do research on the posters and the information, so that it would be possible to be more scientific about the behavior patterns.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

LongWalk said:


> I wish TAM would hire a statistician and conduct polls and do research on the posters and the information, so that it would be possible to be more scientific about the behavior patterns.


That would be refreshing. Not only talking about this issue, but researching it. We research why toads have gay sex, but not why 1/2 of marriages end in divorce and most of the other half are miserable.

LVF. I don't know the reasons. I just saw it happen to my marriage. I know my wife will never come back and I see it all the time on this board. All of the walk-aways sound exactly like her. EXACTLY.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

There's lot of research into why marriages end and why spouses fall out of love with each other. Physical abuse is present in 10 - 20% of marriages on a regular basis, and occurs at least once in 50%. This is far more often male on female violence, so anyone looking to save marriages needs to first teach men to keep their hands to themselves.

Verbal abuse happens to about 35% of women and probably that same percentage of men. That's another marriage-destroyer.

Then there's addiction, personality disorders, and infidelity, plus less common stressors like extreme stress (I read once somewhere that something like 80% of marriages fail after the death of a child), financial stress, and on and on. 

Which is all to say, there are lots of reasons humans fail at marriage. It's not restricted to women (to say and believe so is hateful), and there's no one easy fix. Such is life.

I don't think you're going to feel less shut out emotionally by your husband just by looking at pictures of him and yourself. Honestly, if you feel like he's emotionally unavailable, you guys need a marriage counselor.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> I wish TAM would hire a statistician and conduct polls and do research on the posters and the information, so that it would be possible to be more scientific about the behavior patterns.


You likely wouldn't get great information this way, because the people who come to TAM aren't going to be a random sampling of people.


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