# Adding my story to the mix



## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

Hi All. 

I have been reading TAM for almost two months now. I so wish that I had known about this site a year ago. 

Anyway, I just wanted to add my story to the mix. So here goes...

WH and I have been together 7 years, married 4, separated 3 months. No kids together, he has 2 from previous relationships. This was the first marriage for both of us. 

Problems started soon after we married, unfortunately. Mostly due to my depression from a tough time in grad school and his loss of employment. Of course, finances were an issue. But I had some money saved up, so we weren't in danger of being homeless. He did have part-time jobs here and there, but nothing to write home about. It took WH almost 3 years to find full-time work (he finally got a job in March 2011). It doesn't pay much (especially since child support is taken out), but he loved it. 

Now for the real stuff: Discovered an EA during 2nd year of marriage. Confronted him about it. He cut off all contact immediately and apologized profusely. And we worked to reconcile. It took me a while to get over it, but I did. We went away on vacation a few months later and all was good. 

Fast-forward to Feb 2012... WH comes home and says he's not happy, we're not compatible, the usual stuff. He gives the standard ILYBNILWY speech. We both get emotional and I ask what has brought this on and he starts to blameshift. So I asked him to leave (he moved into my home)...knee jerk reaction. To be honest, I think that he was surprised that I kicked him out because he asked "when do you want me to leave?" and I said "immediately". So he packed up all of his stuff (about 4 suitcases worth) and walked out.

Over the next two weeks, I get a lot of blameshifting and cake eating. Of course, he sees nothing wrong with him as I am the cause for all of the problems in the M. So I suggest MC. He agrees to go. Two days before our appointment with the MC, he hits me with DDay. 

He has been having a PA with a co-worker since August 2011. AND he tell me that they have been having sex at work. I can't even imagine. You just don't sh!t where you eat! :scratchhead:

Anyway, the OW is known to sleep with married men. Of course that doesn't matter to WH. She has broken up other marriages. Of course that doesn't matter to WH. She doesn't really take care of her own kids. Of course that doesn't matter to WH. What DOES matter to WH is that she makes him feel good. Same blah blah story. WH refused to go to MC after this and says that it's over between us. 

WH exposed himself to his father who then told EVERYONE in the family. In-laws and mutual friends are NOT happy about his behavior at all and have been very supportive of me. I exposed to WH's employer, but I'm not sure whatever came of that as I haven't spoken to WH in two months. I went completely dark on him. From what MIL has said, WH has had limited contact with any of his family. Guilt, I guess. From what she has told me, WH is still doing major TT and rug sweeping. Again, guilt, I guess. I don't know if A is still going on. I can only assume that it is. 

In the meantime, I have been to IC and have been enjoying the benefits of the 180. At this time, I am very close to saying goodbye for good to my M. I am still holding out hope for R, but I'm not really expecting it. 

My state requires at least 6 months separation before filing for D. We're at the halfway point now. 

I understand and do take half of the blame for the breakdown of the M. But I do not take any blame for the EA/PA. This time apart has really shown me things that I could have done better. But I honestly don't think any changes on my part would have made much difference with the pursuit of the affairs. WH has very low self-esteem and self-worth, and he appears to have some traits of the "dark triad" according to my IC. He gravitates toward women for validation (his current career field is majority female) and I guess he felt that I didn't give him enough of that. 

This PA and his actions pre- and post-DDay have revealed those facts even more so. Again, I know these are major roadblocks, but I'm not giving up hope (even though it is diminishing rapidly) for R until D is final. 

I still care for him and love him. But I refuse to enable him any further. 

That's about it. Thanks for reading. Any thoughts, comments, or suggestions are appreciated.


----------



## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

Thanks for posting your story,

I hope you continue with the IC and posting here 

Sounds like you are doing everything "right". You even gave him the boot BEFORE the PA was admitted. 

Your username says it all


----------



## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

Thanks, Matt. I appreciate it.  

And, yes, I am continuing IC. I have a wonderful therapist! He has helped me tremendously.


----------



## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

I'm glad you have posted...welcome to the club.  This dark triad is new to me, but from your link I wonder if it applies to my stbxh...I know he has something involving selfishness and lack of responsibility, including financial, just don't know what yet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

MyselfAgain said:


> I'm glad you have posted...welcome to the club.  This dark triad is new to me, but from your link I wonder if it applies to my stbxh...I know he has something involving selfishness and lack of responsibility, including financial, just don't know what yet.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hi Myself, 

I've been reading your story. I think our situations are very similar. Of course, I'm no expert, but I think based on what you have said that the dark triad traits likely also apply to your STBX. Maybe that can provide further clarity regarding some of his actions? Here's hoping that both of our situations work out for the best. 

Thanks for the warm welcome.


----------



## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Imstillhere,

I've been in your husband's shoes with a wife who's depressed (sexlife stagnates, going out is every once in a blue, life becomes routine and boring) but that is not an excuse to do what he did. 

I think you are doing all the right things here. You've made it clear that this behavior is not acceptable. If R is what you want I hope it happens for you as you say you love him. Right now IC and TAM are your best friends. Be proud of yourself for the way you handled the situation.


----------



## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

Thanks LS. 

And, yes! TAM has been my #1 friend for the last couple of months. I've had to make myself take "TAM time-outs" because I've been reading so much.


----------



## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

I'm missing my husband like crazy right now. I cooked breakfast (for one) earlier and just had flashbacks about how we used to sit at the table and eat together. We used to do sooo many things together and he just threw that away. 

Ugh! I hate him for doing this to us! He is such a selfish @$$hole!!! 

Trying to remain calm as I have to travel later today. I don't want to miss my flight over something that I can't change. 

Lately, I've been having more good days than bad (finally!). But this morning was just another one of those triggers. I couldn't help it. So I came on to TAM to vent. 

Sorry for the randomness of the post. I just had to get this out.


----------



## Whitney (May 19, 2012)

I'm new here. Can someone tell me what 180 is. I've read it three or four times today.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

Whitney said:


> I'm new here. Can someone tell me what 180 is. I've read it three or four times today.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hi Whitney,

Welcome to the site. The 180 contains actions a betrayed spouse (BS) takes to detach from a disloyal spouse (DS). It generally consists of no contact with the DS, exercising, focusing on oneself (and children), taking up a new hobby, etc. Anything that can be done to help the BS spouse focus on themselves, progress, and move forward emotionally--and, many times, physically--from the DS. 

Check out the following link (TAM CWI for Newbies) for more info on acronyms and language here on TAM: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

I spoke on the phone to WH earlier for the first time in over two months. I called concerning a legal matter but the discussion turned toward our relationship (or what's left of it). I think that WH is realizing that the grass isn't greener with OW. He said that he's not happy. And he realizes that no one can make him happy. It is something he must find for himself. 

He mentioned that he felt our marriage was doomed from the beginning as so many bad things (as mentioned above--grad school and loss of employment, and many other things out of our control) kept happening after we were married. I asked him if he ever considered that all of the bad things that were happening at the beginning meant that nothing but good things were in our future? That we were getting all of the bad "out of the way" first? He said that he never thought about it that way. Then he just broke down and started crying. I wasn't expecting that reaction at all. 

I am so worried about him. I pity him and what he's going through (self-imposed, I know). I think rock bottom is close. Unfortunately, OW is not helping the situation. I told WH if his life was so out of order that she should allow him to sort it out--alone. But, of course, that will never happen. 

At the end of our discussion, I offered to be an ear to listen without judgments. He said thanks (I think it was sincere). We'll see what happens next.

In other news, I spent the afternoon with my niece and nephews. A welcome distraction from all of the drama...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

I saw WH and OW today. The last time I saw him in person was 3 months ago. He avoided my eyes and kept it moving while she looked like a deer caught in headlights. I just shook my head at them as they drove away. 

I didn't feel like I thought I would (hate, anger, and bitterness). I actually thought the situation was a little amusing albeit very sad. 

It's sad because he continues to live and breathe the fog, even when he has acknowledged that he is not happy with his life. WTF? :scratchhead: But I guess he'll just continue to use her until one of them gets tired of the other. 

You live and you learn. Today my lesson was that I'm okay without him and I KNOW that I deserve so much better.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

What have you learned in therapy?


----------



## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

Conrad said:


> What have you learned in therapy?


Therapy, for me, was primarily an opportunity to speak candidly about my relationship with an objective listener. This was not my first experience in therapy--I'd spent time with another IC a couple of years ago to deal with some childhood issues, which mainly stemmed from the fallout of my parents' marriage/divorce--so I was already well-versed in self-reflection, effective communication, and how my (previous) actions affected my marriage. 

This new therapist was originally contracted as a MC for both my WH and myself _before_ I knew about his PA. After DDay, however, WH decided that he didn't "need" counseling. So I decided to see the IC on my own just to get through the initial pain and grief following DDay. 

But, in answer to your question, he mainly taught me coping mechanisms in dealing with said grief and provided suggestions on how to approach life alone. In fact, I just had a session with him earlier today and he commented on how I've made tremendous progress in the past 3 months and recommended that we reduce our sessions to monthly instead of bi-weekly. 

Not sure if this was the answer you were seeking. Let me know if you desire more clarity.


----------



## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

BTW, WH has never been to IC, even though I suggested it multiple times throughout our marriage. The last time I said something to him about it--I had commented on how everyone carries baggage from childhood and previous relationships--he flat out dismissed that statement saying that he doesn't have "baggage". 

In denial and delusional, no?


----------



## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

Just went on facebook (huge mistake!) and saw that STBXH and OW have matching profile pics of each other. 

Honestly, it broke my heart just a little bit more. I know it's just a picture, but still. We never did that. Maybe that's part of the problem? I don't know. I'm just rambling. 

Broke down and texted him. Didn't mention the pic, but I did mention that I never gave up on our marriage as he apparently has. Of course, no response. Didn't really expect one. 

This sucks. This is too much. 

He's a f#(king @sshole!!! FVCK HIM!!!


----------



## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

This is what I texted (did I go overboard???): 

One day when you look back on your life, I want you to remember that I loved you completely, faults and all. I wasn't perfect and I know that you weren't either. But it was still enough for me because I _believed in us_. And I really truly wanted our marriage to work. But I guess that I was not worth the same in your eyes. It's amazing how vows really don't mean sh!t.


----------



## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

Why are they BOTH on your Facebook?? If you are going to stay on social networking .. you have to eliminate them AND any shared associates that no longer have 'your back'.

Two weeks in .. that's what I did. Although, I still got reports from family (because she's to self centered to think of removing my family before making stupid @ss changes to her account) about her going from married to single after only 3 weeks into our separation.

I removed her, her extended family, her friends and I just said "fvck it" and cut my loses with mutual friend that I knew were talking to her but had said jack to me.

The only people I have on my Facebook related to her are MIL, FIL and SIL and that's because I have nothing against them .. they know what's going on.

Everyone else was axed. Not only for my well being but because I didn't want to start some stupid Facebook drama with her side. Not worth it.


----------



## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

ImStillHere said:


> This is what I texted (did I go overboard???):
> 
> One day when you look back on your life, I want you to remember that I loved you completely, faults and all. I wasn't perfect and I know that you weren't either. But it was still enough for me because I _believed in us_. And I really truly wanted our marriage to work. But I guess that I was not worth the same in your eyes. It's amazing how vows really don't mean sh!t.


I sent something similar within the first month, I got a response something like "I tried, I was unhappy for years". It was lot longer than that with more bs in it.


----------



## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

UpnDown said:


> Why are they BOTH on your Facebook?? If you are going to stay on social networking .. you have to eliminate them AND any shared associates that no longer have 'your back'.


They aren't on my fb account. I blocked both of them and all mutual friends/family on DDay (over 3 months ago). 

Today, I went in under my mother's account because she wanted me to see something posted on my stepdaughter's account about her dad, which wasn't nice. Stepdaughter has the "family" links listed under her friends list. And STBXH is, unfortunately, the first on the list. That's how I saw the new profile pic. 

Then, I went to OW page and saw that she had changed her profile as well.


----------



## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

ImStillHere said:


> They aren't on my fb account. I blocked both of them and all mutual friends/family on DDay (over 3 months ago).
> 
> Today, I went in under my mother's account because she wanted me to see something posted on my stepdaughter's account about her dad, which wasn't nice. Stepdaughter has the "family" links listed under her friends list. And STBXH is, unfortunately, the first on the list. That's how I saw the new profile pic.
> 
> Then, I went to OW page and saw that she had changed her profile as well.


My apologies. That's just some straight up crappy bad luck then.


----------



## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

STBX's family still talks to me and tells me everything they know about what's going on with him. Lately, though, I've pulled back contact with them. But they all (and I mean ALL) disapprove of what's going on and haven't made it a secret. I think that's why STBX has insulated himself from them.

According to the in-laws, he barely calls, comes to visit, or even speaks to his kids. He is with OW 24/7.


----------



## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

UpnDown said:


> My apologies. That's just some straight up crappy bad luck then.


No problem. And, yes, crappy luck.


----------



## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

Yeah, I don't get it either. Call it 'the fog' or a 'MLC' or whatever .. it just doesn't add up in the end.

My in-laws were like 'what the he!!' at first too, especially seeing how we were going to buy there house (they now have to sell it in 2 weeks). So this effected more than just our marriage.

I told FIL my side of the story about 2 1/2 months ago, aside from seeing him on my sons birthday and once when he picked the kids up he hasn't said a word to me. There were talks of us getting together, told me that he would never 'cut ties' but I can he is just staying neutral. Can't blame him.

MIL has a lot on her plate as well, her mother isn't doing well health wise for the last year so she can only take so much.

Although, apparently (I heard this from BIL last week) stbxw has been missing work (she only works 4 days a week!) randomly and MIL has been giving her sh!t about it.

Of course, this is just things I hear through the grapevine but it makes me chuckle a little inside.


----------



## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

UpnDown said:


> Yeah, I don't get it either. Call it 'the fog' or a 'MLC' or whatever .. it just doesn't add up in the end.
> 
> My in-laws were like 'what the he!!' at first too, especially seeing how we were going to buy there house (they now have to sell it in 2 weeks). So this effected more than just our marriage.
> 
> ...



Yeah, I think the in-laws are trying to stay as neutral as possible, if for no other reason than the whole "blood is thicker..." thing. 

Everyone keeps telling me that STBXH was spoiled rotten his entire life, which I've acknowledged in previous posts that I helped to enable. The only difference is that this time he has dug himself into a hole that he can't get out of. So, rather than doing the hard work of working on himself AND the marriage, he stays with the "easy" option (pun intended) that is OW.


----------



## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

I filed for divorce on Wednesday. STBXH was served this morning. 

If all goes as planned, everything will be finalized within 45 days. I'm praying there is no unnecessary drama.


----------



## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

I blocked her & all her family & friends. Made it so they can't even see what I post, changed my status to divorcedv&blocked every one the day of my daughters high school grraduation when I found out she was " seeing somebody".


----------



## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

I spoke to STBXH today about the divorce papers. I filed using the "mental cruelty" grounds per the suggestion of my attorney. Of the handful of fault grounds in my state, she said that the mental cruelty ground is easiest to prove. 

So, I asked STBXH if he was planning on contesting anything in the divorce petition. He said, "Well, I don't agree with one thing...the mental cruelty grounds." 

I said, "I have 3 months worth of therapy to testify with, among other things, so good luck with that getting overturned."

I didn't even mention the fact that he LEFT me to live with his posOW and all of the horrible things that he said to me in the weeks after DDay. I swear this guy is completely delusional. I guess he believes that all of the lying, betrayals, deceit, manipulations and almost year-long affair has equated to an amicable split?! 

Regardless, I think he is still in a state of delusion and heavy depression. Of the last 3 times I have spoken to him in the previous 1.5 months, he has bawled his eyes out and talked about how unhappy he was, claimed that he has "all alone" and overwhelmed by everything and wanted to move forward with his life, and today he said that he was just "fine" and very short with me on the phone. 

He still hasn't seen an IC and he is still pushing everyone--in-laws, kids, me--away who loves him the most. It's just so sad that he is (apparently) completely gone.


----------



## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Just read your story today. So sorry you are going through this. I have nothing to offer except to say that you sound like a wonderful woman and your STBXH sounds like an idiot. There is a man out there somewhere who will love you. Take your time and find him. You deserve to be loved. Best of luck.


----------



## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

Thanks so much sandc! You just made my day!  

I really appreciate it.


----------



## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

I think we have the same stbxh. He has completely disconnected from me, his parents, friends, etc. Doesn't even return emails about bills (he just left me to deal with them.) The word idiot may not be strong enough.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

Agreed. At the very least, they must have been cut from the same cloth. 

I've tried not to bash him too much here on TAM. But I have used harsher words other than "idiot" to describe him in private.


----------



## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

_F'in idiot _is a little better, though.


----------



## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

He sounds like an f-ing idiot but I'm trying to wean myself off colorful language. My wife's request. 

The best to both you ladies and I'm sorry you're both here.


----------



## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

Needed to vent...

STBXH has still not filed a response to the divorce petition in court. I filed for D last month and he was served a few days later. We have a simple no contest D as we have no kids, no common debt, and no jointly held property. 

Although he agreed (via a conversation we had soon after he was served) to get everything done as soon as possible, as of today, he has held on to the papers almost 3 weeks with no further action. He now has 11 days remaining to file a response in court. 

I have contacted him twice now regarding why he hasn't filed a response. The first time he said that his lawyer had the papers, which I think translated into "I haven't spoken to my lawyer yet". We've both had experiences with attorneys in the past for other legal matters and it didn't take days or weeks to get back to us with advice/answers. 

The second time I contacted him he said that he has other issues that he has to deal with. WTF???

HE is the one who left the relationship and moved in with posOW soon after. HE is the one who keeps saying that we are over and wants a D. HE is the one who said that we weren't "going anywhere" in our relationship and that he left to find happiness and peace. HE is the one who has not reached out to me _at all_ in 4 months. Yet HE is the one taking his time filing paperwork?! 

I just don't get it...why the delay now?


----------



## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

He already has what he said he wanted...he isn't motivated to get the D. What would light a fire under his butt?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

If I knew, I would do it.

He has everything he wanted, but I don't think it has come in the form he thought it would as he has forsaken every other part of his life (family, kids, responsibility).


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Stop contacting him.

If he doesn't respond, you get default judgement.

That's the fastest way out.

Let it go.


----------



## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Stop contacting him.
> 
> If he doesn't respond, you get default judgement.
> 
> ...


I won't contact him anymore. My mother told me the same thing. 

I was just hoping that this would be done sooner rather than later. This patience thing is killing me! (so says the impatient one)


----------



## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

Now that I think about it, though, I'm wondering if he is doing this on purpose. 

What does he lose if he never responds in court? This is a no contest divorce. I don't think there is a penalty for not appearing in court other than not being able to present your "side of the story".


----------



## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

Grrr....

STBXH is making this entire D procedure more difficult than it needs to be. 

He filed a response in court but chose to contest the mental cruelty grounds (the most common and easiest to prove fault ground in my state) as that will "follow him on his permanent record". I told him that it's going to follow him regardless of whether or not he contests the grounds because it's in the original petition. And anyone doing a thorough background check will see it. He's trying to get a job in law enforcement and he feels the mental cruelty grounds will look bad. Ya think?! Honestly, I believe that his pitiful credit/financial history will be more of a road block to getting a law enforcement job than our divorce. But, I digress...

He asked, "Why didn't you just wait a little longer so that you could file based on no fault grounds?" I said, "Why should I do you any favors? You say you're tired and don't want to deal with any of this (me) anymore. But you wouldn't talk to me. You haven't tried to discuss this at all. You shut me out. So this is what happens."

He just kept saying that he's tired and doesn't want to deal with more paperwork. So I say, "THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED!!! You wanted this done quickly. But now you're prolonging the process by contesting?! Now you're going to have more paperwork!" Again, I DON'T get it. :scratchhead:

I don't know how many times I told him during our marriage that if he wanted out to just let me know. But he chose to hide behind an affair and now he's faced with more problems since we'll probably have to air our dirty laundry in court. 

I am so through with him! He is so selfish and sucks on so many levels.


----------



## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

WOW... I hope I don't go through this...


----------



## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

Just a little update...

This D process has been moving slowly given our situation but progress has been made. STBXH finally signed and mailed the settlement papers to my attorney. So, now we have to wait for a court date to be set. Unfortunately, that won't happen until next week as my attorney is on vacation. 

Outside of that, it looks like the karma bus has been hitting STBX a bit lately. I found out he is no longer working and, apparently, he has bill collectors coming after him left and right. A letter came in the mail last week for him at my address even though he changed his address almost 6 months ago. Apparently, these companies are trying to contact him at all previous residences. I chuckled a bit when I saw the mail and just thanked God that he no longer is my concern. 

I went home last week to visit my family. This was the second trip home in the last 3 months without STBXH. While there, I saw a few family friends who don't know what's been going on between STBXH and I. They are starting to ask/wonder where he is but I haven't said anything yet. I just say he is busy working (yeah, right!). 

Anyway, I keep wondering how and when to break the news as I really don't want to field questions about the hows and whys of what happened between us. But, I guess I'll cross that bridge once the D is final. 

Any advice on how to break the news to close friends and family? Especially when infidelity is involved? I was thinking of just saying he didn't want to be married anymore. And, if people pry more I was planning on saying he thought someone else's grass was greener. What do you think?


----------



## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

The prove up hearing for my divorce has been set for August 30. 

I didn't know how I would feel about this. But I don't feel much of anything. Maybe I'm numb. Or, maybe it's melancholy. But I'm definitely not happy. 

STBXH left me six months ago and I'm a week away from finalizing my D. 

He continues to be silent. No words. No contact. No nothing. I guess I shouldn't even be surprised anymore. 

This whole thing sucks.


----------



## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

Mine is completely quiet.

His lawyer could be telling him to keep his mouth shut also...until after the D is final.


----------



## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

I do feel for you - it's been five and a half months since D Day for me and my divorce is nearly final (luckily he agreed to everything I asked for because he was the one that walked and he couldn't afford a lawyer to tell him not to I guess)

It's a real rollercoaster ride and there's no rhyme or reason to when it hits you. I'm generally ok but occasionally will hit a setback - like yesterday when he changed his FB status to 'in a relationship' and had people saying 'oh I'm so happy for you' as if he was the one that had been dumped. But it's more sadness for feeling like an idiot for putting up with it so long rather than the loss of him per se

I was relatively honest with friends and family about the reasons although i still to this day don't *really* know why. I barely speak to his family now, he's already introduced the new girlfriend to his mother so it's out with the old and in with the new!

It does get easier - I will probably have another blip in six weeks when the divorce is final but at least I'll have some closure and be able to move on with my life....and you will too


----------



## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

Dolly... why the F$$K are you still friends with him on FB.. you only make yourself more sad that way.

I'm glad my wife unfriended me.. now she doesn't know what I do and I don't know what she does.

Start living you life separate from him.. first thing is unfriend him


----------



## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

Sadwithtwolittlegirls said:


> Mine is completely quiet.
> 
> *His lawyer could be telling him to keep his mouth shut *also...until after the D is final.


I wish that were true, but he's opted to be _pro se_ in court. Unfortunately, he's been this way since he left. 

Every time we've communicated, I have had to initiate it. And, I have only contacted him regarding legal and financial matters. 

He just completely shut me out of his life. That's what hurts the most.


----------



## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

Mine too..... it makes you think... " I wonder if her is thinking about me" the thing is we will both never know because both of our spouses checked out.

I'm lucky to get one paragraph even when it comes to the kids.

You are not alone here..


----------



## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

Dollystanford said:


> I do feel for you - it's been five and a half months since D Day for me and my divorce is nearly final (luckily he agreed to everything I asked for because he was the one that walked and he couldn't afford a lawyer to tell him not to I guess)
> 
> It's a real rollercoaster ride and there's no rhyme or reason to when it hits you. I'm generally ok but occasionally will hit a setback - like yesterday when he changed his FB status to 'in a relationship' and had people saying 'oh I'm so happy for you' as if he was the one that had been dumped. But it's more sadness for feeling like an idiot for putting up with it so long rather than the loss of him per se
> 
> ...


Most days I am okay, too. The sadness only lasts for a little while. I guess that I'm just more "upset" that he didn't want to try anymore. 

Even though posOW is in the picture, his family refuses to acknowledge her. And, from what I understand, he doesn't bring her around to family events or talk about her. 

Ultimately, it is crazy to me. Because he was so adamant about all the things that I _wasn't_. But, apparently, she isn't those things either. 

Anyway...Dolly, I know things will be better. Everyday I believe it more and more. It's just that when I saw the e-mail from my attorney about the court date, it sent me into a bit of a tailspin. But, I'm okay now.

Thanks for your words of support!


----------



## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

Sadwithtwolittlegirls said:


> Mine too..... it makes you think... " I wonder if her is thinking about me" the thing is we will both never know because both of our spouses checked out.
> 
> I'm lucky to get one paragraph even when it comes to the kids.
> 
> You are not alone here..


Thanks, sad. 

It's been difficult, but I've tried to set those wonders aside about whether or not he's thinking of me.

I keep telling myself that if he truly loved me, he wouldn't have shut me out like this. He wouldn't have done _any_ of this.


----------



## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Sadwithtwolittlegirls said:


> Dolly... why the F$$K are you still friends with him on FB.. you only make yourself more sad that way.
> 
> I'm glad my wife unfriended me.. now she doesn't know what I do and I don't know what she does.
> 
> Start living you life separate from him.. first thing is unfriend him


I know this...it's partly because I'm nosy and partly because I wanted to ensure we were all civil until the divorce was final 

The day the absolute comes through he's gone - i have blocked him already but unfortunately my mother still keeps a check on him and was breathing fire this morning

but I know you are right...


----------



## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

I've been thinking about STBX and our looming court date on Thursday. 

I've been so tempted to contact him lately (but I haven't). I guess it's because of the finality of the situation that will be brought before the judge in a couple of days. 

I never wanted my marriage to end this way. But I have accepted it. And, as much as I wanted to, I cannot hate my STBXH. He chose his path, which he is dealing with (not so well) in his own way. I still don't think he has quite hit rock bottom, but I think he will soon. 

The sad part of it all is that I won't be there for him. It hurts me to type that. Yes, it's the rescuer in me. But I know it's for his own good. 

In saying all of that, though, I have so much to be thankful for: I learned that I have an incredible support system of family and friends; I still have been able to maintain my home due to a job that allows me to pay all of my bills; I just received word that my STD/HIV tests all came back negative (THANK YOU, LORD!!!); I have increased my physical activity and have lost weight (haven't been this weight in about 4 years); and--most importantly--I'm still here...I'm still standing. 

My life in the past few months has been relatively less stressful than it could have been considering my situation. And, a lot of that is due to my presence here on TAM. This site has been a godsend since I found it. And, needless to say, I have retained my sanity in large part to knowing that I am not going through this situation alone. And, I THANK YOU for that. Tears are coming...

So, again, I just wanted to say that I love you all and you will never know how much I appreciate each and every one of you. 

It has been an incredible experience to be part of a community who time and again gives me love, support, and encouragement. Even when you don't realize it, you have helped me tremendously.


----------



## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

It's done. I am officially divorced.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

ImStillHere said:


> It's done. I am officially divorced.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And it sounds like "You'reStillThere"

Be ready for when he contacts you.

It won't be pretty.


----------



## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

(((Hugs)))

Let us know how you're doing. Thinking of you.


----------



## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

Update (it's long): 

I'm back. I needed to take a few days and unplug. 

Thanks for your support, Conrad and MA. I really appreciate it. 

Court was interesting. I found out that XH (it's weird writing that) still blames me for everything. He said that over the course of our marriage that I argued too much, I didn't trust him, I didn't support him, and I created an environment at home that gave him anxiety...blah blah. 

He even blamed me for his business not getting off the ground as I wasn't there to "back him up" financially or in other ways since he moved out. His business partner is posOW. I said, that is what your _business partner_ is for...to back you up. Apparently, she isn't the business guru that he made her out to be. But, yet, it's all my fault? 

Anyway, he gave me the whole "it's not you, it's me" speech and claimed that he never stopped loving me. But he just can't _be_ with me. He was tearing up the entire time he said all of this.

I asked if his life had been easy since he left. He said, "No". I asked if it would have been harder to stay. He replied, "Yes". So I said, "Basically, you're saying that I wasn't worth it." No reply from him. But he did start tearing up again after that statement. 

I also asked what he thought he had done to get us to this point (divorce court). He said that he had done or tried to do everything that he thought I wanted. I said, "But aside from what you _thought_ I wanted, what did YOU do to get us here?" No answer from him. So, he doesn't own his part in anything regarding the break up of our marriage. The lies, the infidelity, the betrayals, the deceit, none of it. And, why should he? According to him, it's all my fault. 

Am I surprised by any of this? No. He hasn't even told his family or friends that we're getting divorced. Why? Because he said that it's none of their business. He said that he's "all alone" and "no one cares about me...especially my family". He was totally staying in victim mode. I just said, "I'm sorry that you feel that way". More tears appeared in his eyes. 

He still won't go to counseling. I don't even know why I asked if he would. Just sad that he hasn't learned anything. 

He is still with posOW. Until she's out of the picture, I don't think he will learn anything. But based on some of his comments about her, I think that entire situation is cracking under pressure. 

He also told me that was fired from his job almost two months ago (also not his fault). But, of course, he kept trying to convince me that his life was happy and that it was "basically the same" as when we were together. Really? :scratchhead: I thought that was amusing. 

Anyway, after everything was over, he started sobbing in the courtroom. Had to give him some tissue. I was stone-faced the entire time. I don't understand why he was crying, though. He got everything he wanted, right? 

After court I had a moment to myself and had a good cry, mostly over the finality of the situation. Later, I went out with a girlfriend for drinks. 

The rest of my weekend was pretty nice. I had some awesome barbecue, hung out with some good friends, and got back on track with my exercise routine (down 20lbs and counting!). 

All in all, I'm feeling good. No complaints here.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

He got nothing he wanted - including posOW.

If you really want him back, today was the best possible step in that direction.

He now has to manage his own life and live with his choices.

I know you don't feel particularly good about this, but you have many admirers here.

Yes, and we have your back.


----------



## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

I am starting to dread my court date. I don't know how I will react. I hope to be as composed as you but not sure how I would handle STBXH saying those things to me...would probably mess me up for a few days at least. 

Glad to hear you are doing well.  Good friends help so much, don't they?


----------



## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

vi_bride04 said:


> I am starting to dread my court date. I don't know how I will react. I hope to be as composed as you but not sure how I would handle STBXH saying those things to me...would probably mess me up for a few days at least.
> 
> Glad to hear you are doing well.  Good friends help so much, don't they?


I was composed because I was thinking a lot about TAM during that entire situation.  What would the TAMmers think? How would they say I should react/respond?

After we went our separate ways, I went over his words again and again and again until I realized that he is full of sh!t. Everything that he said was twisted because it made no sense. 

I think that's part of the reason why he cried at the end...because I didn't care what he thought anymore. I didn't even give it much attention. I just nodded and said "I'm sorry that you feel that way". 

And, I think that's the main reason why it was so "easy" for me to let it slide off my back over the weekend. I wouldn't let him steal my joy. 

Don't let your STBXH steal your joy! Remember the advice you've seen on TAM during your court date. It really does help. I'm sure you'll be fine.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

He is full of ****.

Don't forget it.


----------

