# My husband is becoming a drunk



## Lizzyof707 (4 mo ago)

*My husband and I have been married for 17 years-together for almost 27 years with 5 kids. Our relationship has always been strong and admired by a lot of people-he has always treated me so wonderfully!! I’d say for the past year or so he has changed immensely and started drinking daily (after years of not drinking EVER), wanting to hang out with a younger crowd and going to bars. 
The drinking isn’t always an issue if he just has a couple but, BUT…things quickly escalate into him having 6-7-8 beers then becoming obnoxious, rude, creepy and perverted. He has a pattern of disappearing on long walks every time because he knows I don’t want to deal with him being home drunk but the hours and hours of him being gone is also a problem. 2 weeks ago, he admitted to doing mushrooms with some friends from work at a pool party and I simply put-lost it! I threw his clothes out in backyard and felt completely out of control .I have tried all angles of trying to make him realize how the drinking affects me (the kids too!) but he says I’m controlling and insecure and that I can’t tell him what to do just as he “doesn’t tell me what to do” Divorce is thrown around by him every time and that infuriates me-sometimes I think he actually wants me to leave him because he doesn’t have the balls to tell me. Help! Am I overreacting?? I miss what we had so much😞*


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

What age are you two and how old are the kids?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

there are many different types of drinking problems 
some drinkers can drink a lot every day they think they don't drink much 
there are others that drink a lot on one day and stay off the drink for 10 to 20 days ,
there is a scale used by people that work with drinkers that is something like if you drink 2 drinks everyday you are classed as been in danger ,

first does he think he is gone over the top , or does he think his drinking is not a problem , you would be much better looking for advice on another forum that deals more with drinking problems


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I actually like the italicized font. 😅

What do you mean OP, by him becoming ''creepy and perverted?'' With you or other women?


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## Lizzyof707 (4 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> What age are you two and how old are the kids?


He’s 42 and I’m 46


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## Lizzyof707 (4 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> I actually like the italicized font. 😅
> 
> What do you mean OP, by him becoming ''creepy and perverted?'' With you or other women?


Sexual comments he makes towards me that are not typical of things he would normally say 


Lizzyof707 said:


> He’s 42 and I’m 46


kids are 26, 24, 16,15, 14 (oldest not his)
to me.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Lizzyof707 said:


> Sexual comments he makes towards me that are not typical of things he would normally say
> 
> kids are 26, 24, 16,15, 14 (oldest not his)
> to me.


I went through a bit of a phase like that at that age... it's very difficult to know the reasons why. In my case, I wasn't happy in the marriage, with my wife and with my life in general. It just had become what I didn't want. So I was trying to forget with the drinking and going out. Of course, it made things worse.


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## Lizzyof707 (4 mo ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> there are many different types of drinking problems
> some drinkers can drink a lot every day they think they don't drink much
> there are others that drink a lot on one day and stay off the drink for 10 to 20 days ,
> there is a scale used by people that work with drinkers that is something like if you drink 2 drinks everyday you are classed as been in danger ,
> ...


He never thinks he drinks over the top…he will say I need to relax and have some fun. Mind you, I also drink but I don’t enjoy getting sloppy and am well aware of my limit. 
I just found this forum and thought it was for all marital issues…drinking just so happens to be the issue.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Usually drinking is a route to escapism.

Are there things in his life that were not going well prior to this starting?

The two biggest ones would be work or his relationship with you...


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## Lizzyof707 (4 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> I went through a bit of a phase like that at that age... it's very difficult to know the reasons why. In my case, I wasn't happy in the marriage, with my wife and with my life in general. It just had become what I didn't want. So I was trying to forget with the drinking and going out. Of course, it made things worse.


I have asked straight up if this isn’t what he wants and he insists he loves me and doesn’t want to leave. I understand that life may become stale and routine gets old but life isn’t a circus …I’m tired of feeling like I have to entertain his ass or he won’t want to stick around.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Lizzyof707 said:


> I have asked straight up if this isn’t what he wants and he insists he loves me and doesn’t want to leave. I understand that life may become stale and routine gets old but life isn’t a circus …I’m tired of feeling like I have to entertain his ass or he won’t want to stick around.


I'm sure he loves you and he doesn't want to leave, but is he happy? His actions show me that he is not.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

My wife had anxiety, I loved her and divorce was the last thing I wanted. She would constantly get angry at me or our defenseless kids over trivial things... she was always the creator of arguments. She refused treatment. I started wondering why I was spending so much effort providing an awesome life for our family, if she just ruins everything... I started drinking more, even daily to feel relief from my thoughts about the family falling apart.

Eventually, I confronted her with she either does something or we don't proceed. She finally got treatment... I got my wife back. It took a bit to realize that I needed to wind back down the drinking.

I think if I hadn't had an escape during that period, my swirling thoughts about her damaging our family would have ended our marriage.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Lizzyof707 said:


> Sexual comments he makes towards me that are not typical of things he would normally say
> 
> kids are 26, 24, 16,15, 14 (oldest not his)
> to me.


Wait so my math says when the first was born he was 16 and you were 20????? WTF


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## Lizzyof707 (4 mo ago)

re16 said:


> Usually drinking is a route to escapism.
> 
> Are there things in his life that were not going well prior to this starting?
> 
> The two biggest ones would be work or his relationship with you...


Well, neither of us have jobs that are very fulfilling and I know he wishes he did something …different. I have supported him through all different types of training schools he “thought” would be good for the family only for him to not like the jobs and move onto something else. Our relationship has always been strong until recently.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Lizzyof707 said:


> Well, neither of us have jobs that are very fulfilling and I know he wishes he did something …different. I have supported him through all different types of training schools he “thought” would be good for the family only for him to not like the jobs and move onto something else. Our relationship has always been strong until recently.


Check out "this naked mind" books or podcast by Annie Grace... has some eye opening revelations about alchohol and how it affects us... probably would be good for him to listen to or read.


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## Lizzyof707 (4 mo ago)

re16 said:


> My wife had anxiety, I loved her and divorce was the last thing I wanted. She would constantly get angry at me or our defenseless kids over trivial things... she was always the creator of arguments. She refused treatment. I started wondering why I was spending so much effort providing an awesome life for our family, if she just ruins everything... I started drinking more, even daily to feel relief from my thoughts about the family falling apart.
> 
> Eventually, I confronted her with she either does something or we don't proceed. She finally got treatment... I got my wife back. It took a bit to realize that I needed to wind back down the drinking.
> 
> I think if I hadn't had an escape during that period, my swirling thoughts about her damaging our family would have ended our marriage.


That’s heavy! We spoke about treatment for me because it does make me depressed when I see where we’re at (only on the heavy drinking days). I was prescribed Prozac but did not like the side effects so switched to an herbal supplement. I started to think he was gaslighting me because he never takes responsibility for his actions and I’m always the one with the problem. So irritating!!


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## Lizzyof707 (4 mo ago)

re16 said:


> Check out "this naked mind" books or podcast by Annie Grace... has some eye opening revelations about alchohol and how it affects us... probably would be good for him to listen to or read.


Will do!! Thank you


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## Lizzyof707 (4 mo ago)

happyhusband0005 said:


> Wait so my math says when the first was born he was 16 and you were 20????? WTF


My oldest son is not his- he was 21 when I had our first child


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

re16 said:


> I think if I hadn't had an escape during that period, my swirling thoughts about her damaging our family would have ended our marriage.


I did have an escape, but it made it worse... lol


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Lizzyof707 said:


> That’s heavy! We spoke about treatment for me because it does make me depressed when I see where we’re at (only on the heavy drinking days). I was prescribed Prozac but did not like the side effects so switched to an herbal supplement. I started to think he was gaslighting me because he never takes responsibility for his actions and I’m always the one with the problem. So irritating!!


People who drink do that. It's not you.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Lizzyof707 said:


> That’s heavy! We spoke about treatment for me because it does make me depressed when I see where we’re at (only on the heavy drinking days). I was prescribed Prozac but did not like the side effects so switched to an herbal supplement. I started to think he was gaslighting me because he never takes responsibility for his actions and I’m always the one with the problem. So irritating!!


Wow, was that treatment for depression you started feeling after he started drinking, or treatment for some behavior that has been on-going?


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> People who drink do that. It's not you.


Yes, this.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

In Absentia said:


> People who drink do that. It's not you.


Yea, if he is blaming you for his issues, that is not right...


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## Lizzyof707 (4 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> I'm sure he loves you and he doesn't want to leave, but is he happy? His actions show me that he is not.


I agree, he must not be which in turn makes me feel the same way.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

re16 said:


> Yea, if he is blaming you for his issues, that is not right...


When you drink, it's never a problem for you... it's the others that have a problem with it. So, you blame the others for your problem.


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## Lizzyof707 (4 mo ago)

re16 said:


> Wow, was that treatment for depression you started feeling after he started drinking, or treatment for some behavior that has been on-going?


I’ve never felt this level of depression until recently. Granted, I am almost certain I’m going through menopause so I have also changed but this only makes things worse.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

He needs to acknowledge he has a problem... if he is not at that point, there is full denial happening.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Lizzyof707 said:


> My oldest son is not his- he was 21 when I had our first child


Phew. Ok so you were just friends with your now husband for a few of the 27 years. Kind of sounds like he is going through a midlife crisis, never enjoyed being young and wild and is trying to fill that gap. But it sounds like you're right and he may be closing in on a real drinking problem which will need real help to get under control. 

I also get the feeling neither of you are very satisfied with your lives as they stand today. Do you guys ever discuss common life goals? Any thinking of what having a fulfilling career would look like? I get the vibe you're both just kind of going through the motions in life instead of having a purpose and approaching life with a passion. If you take a step back you might find a silver lining that you actually have an opportunity to work together on finding that purpose and passion in your lives. I see a lot of people who have a marriage that is barely ok, kids, a job they don't really like, and they just kind of go through the motions and think, once the kids are out we can focus on us. Then the kids are out and they just keep going through the motions and maintain the status quo. Then 20 years go by and they're just sitting there thinking what have I done with my life.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I think your husband is going through a midlife crisis. All of a sudden he wants to be a party animal.

My dad always wanted to be a party animal but my mother kept him from doing it and to some degree so did his work. So he would only have one or two what he called highballs on Sunday. If he only had one or two drinks he would be happy and cheerful but if he had that third one he would be maudlin. Once I was old enough to understand any of it my mom told me she didn't mind when he had one or two drinks because he was pleasant, and I commented that I had seen him get teary and maudlin and she said that was if he did over two drinks. 

He was not always pleasant and had some rage issues and after the kids were grown and out of the house, she left him. 

She was in her sixties by then. And he immediately spiraled downhill because he had unfettered drinking and partying. You know they have both been through the Great Depression and hard times, and he had even hinted at times that some of the people he associated with were not the best.

Well in his divorced retirement, he would associate with literally anyone who would come over and drink with him and so being out in the country living up near a lake, this was mainly a mix of unemployed hillbillies and women who would have sex for drinks or a meal. They were very scary group who I was lucky to escape from once thanks to my dog.

He just went on a steady downhill decline and had no brains left to think with due to both alcoholism and just brain degeneration for 15 years before his body gave out and had to be put in a locked nursing home. 

The point of my story is that my mother is the only thing that kept him from degenerating much earlier and being a horrible parent to his children. I really don't know what she held over him to keep him from going full bore, but I would say hold over him anything that works. And of course he was also employed, so that's slowed him down some. 

You need to be sure your husband is fully employed preferably not at home someplace he has supervision. And then you need to have a serious talk with him when he's sober that this is a deal-breaker for you. Let him know that he is no longer the person you wanted to be married to. 

He may need to already go to AA or something. I would say because of the sudden change that women also may be involved if he has his way about it since that is very often the main motivation for guys. 

Call him out when he tries to gaslight you. That's what cheaters and liars do.

You need to let him know that this is serious to you. And of course if he ever does get violent, don't hesitate to call the police.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Lizzyof707 said:


> I’ve never felt this level of depression until recently. Granted, I am almost certain I’m going through menopause so I have also changed but this only makes things worse.


When you look at your life as it is do you just kind of say blah it is what it is?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Lizzyof707 said:


> My oldest son is not his- he was 21 when I had our first child


But he was around 15/16 when you got together? If so, maybe he really is feeling like he’s spent his entire life in a relationship and a not-great job. Some are okay with that but some start acting out when they feel life is passing them by. Hopefully, he will wake up before he loses everything.


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## Lizzyof707 (4 mo ago)

happyhusband0005 said:


> Phew. Ok so you were just friends with your now husband for a few of the 27 years. Kind of sounds like he is going through a midlife crisis, never enjoyed being young and wild and is trying to fill that gap. But it sounds like you're right and he may be closing in on a real drinking problem which will need real help to get under control.
> 
> I also get the feeling neither of you are very satisfied with your lives as they stand today. Do you guys ever discuss common life goals? Any thinking of what having a fulfilling career would look like? I get the vibe you're both just kind of going through the motions in life instead of having a purpose and approaching life with a passion. If you take a step back you might find a silver lining that you actually have an opportunity to work together on finding that purpose and passion in your lives. I see a lot of people who have a marriage that is barely ok, kids, a job they don't really like, and they just kind of go through the motions and think, once the kids are out we can focus on us. Then the kids are out and they just keep going through the motions and maintain the status quo. Then 20 years go by and they're just sitting there thinking what have I done with my life.


Aside from this, we are STRONG!! We get along great, enjoy each others company and have a lot of fun together. As far as discussing life goals…we don’t really do that. I mean, we wish we had more $ lol…but make do with what we have. We’re simple people and are content with the simple things in life (small weekend getaways with our kids, going out for a meal together, taking walks) It’s the days of over drinking that seem to bring me down but for him, it’s just fun. We spoke about it this morning actually (as it happened again last night) and I told him how last night was disappointing and how it gave me anxiety. He said he was just having fun and since it doesn’t happen all the time he doesn’t see what the big deal was. So, it comes back on me …why can’t he have alittle fun now and then? I had 2 options at that moment …continue being quiet and have this drag on for days OR , just let it go so my day (or his) isn’t ruined by a fight into how controlling I am. I chose to let it go.


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## Lizzyof707 (4 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> But he was around 15/16 when you got together? If so, maybe he really is feeling like he’s spent his entire life in a relationship and a not-great job. Some are okay with that but some start acting out when they feel life is passing them by. Hopefully, he will wake up before he loses everything.


Yes, I realize he was young but so was I!! He’s much more adventurous and outgoing than I am so I don’t doubt at all that he’s feeling like he’s missed out on so much but when asked, he denies that he feels that way. 


happyhusband0005 said:


> When you look at your life as it is do you just kind of say blah it is what it is?


Sometimes…sure! I think that’s normal to wonder about the “what ifs” and financially it can be a bit much- but if the binge drinking didn’t ever happen-I’d be happy as a clam.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Lizzyof707 said:


> Aside from this, we are STRONG!! We get along great, enjoy each others company and have a lot of fun together. As far as discussing life goals…we don’t really do that. I mean, we wish we had more $ lol…but make do with what we have. We’re simple people and are content with the simple things in life (small weekend getaways with our kids, going out for a meal together, taking walks) It’s the days of over drinking that seem to bring me down but for him, it’s just fun. We spoke about it this morning actually (as it happened again last night) and I told him how last night was disappointing and how it gave me anxiety. He said he was just having fun and since it doesn’t happen all the time he doesn’t see what the big deal was. So, it comes back on me …why can’t he have alittle fun now and then? I had 2 options at that moment …continue being quiet and have this drag on for days OR , just let it go so my day (or his) isn’t ruined by a fight into how controlling I am. I chose to let it go.


Alcohol abuse destroys relationships and families but you can only take care of yourself and the kids if he doesn’t see an issue. Get into Al Anon and AlAteen for the kids. His drinking is obviously having an impact on you all and affecting your marriage and family life. Alcoholism is a family disease. 
there will be consequences for his drinking, missed work, missing dinner etc. stop covering for him, keeping dinner warm, making excuses for him. Plan family time without him. I suggest you look up Bottled Up a great resource site for family of alcoholics as well as Families and friends forum of SoberRecovery.com.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Lizzyof707 said:


> Aside from this, we are STRONG!! We get along great, enjoy each others company and have a lot of fun together. As far as discussing life goals…we don’t really do that. I mean, we wish we had more $ lol…but make do with what we have. We’re simple people and are content with the simple things in life (small weekend getaways with our kids, going out for a meal together, taking walks) It’s the days of over drinking that seem to bring me down but for him, it’s just fun. We spoke about it this morning actually (as it happened again last night) and I told him how last night was disappointing and how it gave me anxiety. He said he was just having fun and since it doesn’t happen all the time he doesn’t see what the big deal was. So, it comes back on me …why can’t he have alittle fun now and then? I had 2 options at that moment …continue being quiet and have this drag on for days OR , just let it go so my day (or his) isn’t ruined by a fight into how controlling I am. I chose to let it go.


I know how to fix that. You start going out with your girlfriends drinking and see if he has a problem with that because I guarantee you he will have. He wouldn't like it if you did it without him.


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## Lizzyof707 (4 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I know how to fix that. You start going out with your girlfriends drinking and see if he has a problem with that because I guarantee you he will have. He wouldn't like it if you did it without him.


I do go out and have a couple drinks with my girls friends actually! He doesn’t mind a bit. You know why? Because he knows I can be trusted. On the other side, this man isn’t who I married so I’m having trust issues not knowing what he will do. I know he’s not cheating but if put in the right situation at the right time…who knows what could happen. I’ve made it clear that cheating- will end us. I will not put up with that.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

My husband is an alcoholic and he gets like that on days. Not so much creepy or anything like that - but he does get extremely hyper at times and I just want him to tone it down because I work full time and it's a 2.4 hour drive in total per day so I get tired but he's like the freaking energizer bunny.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Lizzyof707 said:


> Yes, I realize he was young but so was I!! He’s much more adventurous and outgoing than I am so I don’t doubt at all that he’s feeling like he’s missed out on so much but when asked, he denies that he feels that way.
> 
> Sometimes…sure! I think that’s normal to wonder about the “what ifs” and financially it can be a bit much- but if the binge drinking didn’t ever happen-I’d be happy as a clam.


So back to my original mid life crisis. I think he needs to find some more productive ways to medicate his issues. Personally I tend to drink more than I should at times of stress and anxiety. I was going through a big law suit a few years ago and I dealt with all that aggravation in some unhealthy ways. Drinking was a big part of that. Really it makes things far worse mentally. He will say it isn't as bad as you think, he probably knows it is. If it is he thinks he missed out on a bunch of fun when he was young and is now making up for that, he needs to learn he can't go back in life, he is where he is and by acting like he is now he is missing out on some things he is going to regret missing out on later. 

I had a friend who went through something similar and he realized the drinking was the problem not hanging out and having fun with friends. So he started drinking non-alcoholic beer when the got together, or he would have one or two beers then switch to the non alcoholic. There are a lot of options for dialing it back to stopping the alcohol, but he will need to see the drinking as a problem before he will do that. That is always the biggest hurdle.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You can’t fix a drunk. Only they control that.
Figure out what you want and then what’s it going to take to get you there.
It will require you to make decisions.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It takes two, to tango, two, to argue.

No offense intended' but please take note of your tone.

Even when expressing your feelings here, you sound harsh. 
And, we are strangers.

Do you put him on the defensive in your normal conversations?.

Do you think he is drinking to escape from you?

...............................................................................................

His drinking buddies are likely toxic to your marriage, I suspect that.

*He is going through that Mid Life crisis, be sure of that.*


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## Lizzyof707 (4 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> It takes two, to tango, two, to argue.
> 
> No offense intended' but please take note of your tone.
> 
> ...


I try my best to be delicate with my words when confronting him to avoid him getting defensive …I don’t raise my voice and I’m very calm. My words may sound harsh here because I’m expressing core feelings but don’t do that when speaking to him. I don’t believe he’s trying to escape me when drinking because he often will ask me to go out with him but he can be embarrassing and obnoxious so I politely decline.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If you’re four years older then you were 19/20 when he was 15/16. Generally, girls tend to be more mature than boys at those ages so being outgoing or adventurous doesn’t fix the difference. I think he’s making up for lost time because he feels life is passing him by. A classic mid-life crisis.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Lizzyof707 said:


> I have asked straight up if this isn’t what he wants and he insists he loves me and doesn’t want to leave.


if he is an alcoholic ( I can't say he is and it is not my place ) no point in asking him I have seen alcoholics swear on the grave of their child and their mother that they loved their wife and half an hour later shouting and fighting with their wife , 

No talking to a person that has a love hate relationship with drink , 
you place is to put the children first , he has to hit rock bottom to stop the drink , some rock bottom is a lot deeper than for others 

trust nothing an alcoholic will ever tell you , they become so used to manipulating everyone it becomes their only way to live ,


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## Lizzyof707 (4 mo ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> if he is an alcoholic ( I can't say he is and it is not my place ) no point in asking him I have seen alcoholics swear on the grave of their child and their mother that they loved their wife and half an hour later shouting and fighting with their wife ,
> 
> No talking to a person that has a love hate relationship with drink ,
> you place is to put the children first , he has to hit rock bottom to stop the drink , some rock bottom is a lot deeper than for others
> ...


Even I can’t even say if he is or isn’t an alcoholic. If anything I feel that he isn’t and just enjoying it now since he didn’t for so many years! There are days that he doesn’t drink at all but it is usually a couple beers which I have no problem with tbh. It’s the once or twice a month that it gets out of hand and these are the times that I have a problem with. It would be different if he were fun but the pattern is not that way. He quite simply becomes annoying! In his eyes, he’s just having a good time however -no one else is and we all tend to disappear to avoid him.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Lizzyof707 said:


> *My husband and I have been married for 17 years-together for almost 27 years with 5 kids. Our relationship has always been strong and admired by a lot of people-he has always treated me so wonderfully!! I’d say for the past year or so he has changed immensely and started drinking daily (after years of not drinking EVER), wanting to hang out with a younger crowd and going to bars.
> The drinking isn’t always an issue if he just has a couple but, BUT…things quickly escalate into him having 6-7-8 beers then becoming obnoxious, rude, creepy and perverted. He has a pattern of disappearing on long walks every time because he knows I don’t want to deal with him being home drunk but the hours and hours of him being gone is also a problem. 2 weeks ago, he admitted to doing mushrooms with some friends from work at a pool party and I simply put-lost it! I threw his clothes out in backyard and felt completely out of control .I have tried all angles of trying to make him realize how the drinking affects me (the kids too!) but he says I’m controlling and insecure and that I can’t tell him what to do just as he “doesn’t tell me what to do” Divorce is thrown around by him every time and that infuriates me-sometimes I think he actually wants me to leave him because he doesn’t have the balls to tell me. Help! Am I overreacting?? I miss what we had so much😞*


Let's pretend for a second that when your husband drinks, he gets in a very good mood, gets a lot of energy and uses that energy to do things around the house, make sure everyone is taken care of, and just generally is kind and loving. Would that be a problem? I drink about the same as your husband every night, but in my family, it's when I don't drink my wife would be saying "have a drink already" or she will say "isn't it cocktail time". She says that because i'm kind of grumpy during the day and super happy at night. Also, did you realize that mushrooms are now becoming mainstream and the go to medicine for certain anxieties/depression?

So I guess my question is it the actual drinking or the behavior that follows that you don't like?


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Mybabysgotit said:


> I drink about the same as your husband every night, but in my family, it's when I don't drink my wife would be saying "have a drink already" or she will say "isn't it cocktail time".


Did I read this correctly? You drink 6-8 beers every night, and you think it's ok because your wife encourages your problem drinking? You're probably an alcoholic and your wife is at the very least enabling the addiction. 

Not good.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Trident said:


> Did I read this correctly? You drink 6-8 beers every night, and you think it's ok because your wife encourages your problem drinking? You're probably an alcoholic and your wife is at the very least enabling the addiction.
> 
> Not good.


I don't really drink beer, mainly drink scotch and sometimes rum and yes, by definition I am an alcoholic. I dink a half pint every night, which equates to about 4-5 drinks. I can't remember the last time I got drunk as I drink over a 4-5 hour period. I grew up with it, my dad was president of Jack Daniels and he met my mom at a JD event (she drank it too).. My wife will have one or two with me. I have to stop though, gets harder with age.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Mybabysgotit said:


> I don't really drink beer, mainly drink scotch and sometimes rum and yes, by definition I am an alcoholic


Maybe check out AA, I hear it works for some.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Trident said:


> Maybe check out AA, I hear it works for some.


My dad drank every night as long as I can remember, still does. He's 88, works out every morning, little to no health issues (little dementia), never had a DUI or any other incident relating to drinking; just an all around happy guy. Grandma and Grandpa same thing, drank every night lived to 90's. I also workout every day, go to work everyday, have a great career and healthy. I can't find a problem to the drinking. To someone who doesn't drink, It's like the world is coming to an end to hear someone drinks every night. I'll do me, you do you, okay? I will slow down though eventually but not in a huge hurry here. I kind of feel when I stop, that's when the health issues will start coming my way. There are occasions where I can't or don't drink at nights and it's never been an issue. It's not like I get withdrawals or anything, just a little harder to sleep. Guess what, I also smoke pot at night....I know, I know, I am the devil recarnate...


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Knock yourself out.


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## Lizzyof707 (4 mo ago)

Mybabysgotit said:


> Let's pretend for a second that when your husband drinks, he gets in a very good mood, gets a lot of energy and uses that energy to do things around the house, make sure everyone is taken care of, and just generally is kind and loving. Would that be a problem? I drink about the same as your husband every night, but in my family, it's when I don't drink my wife would be saying "have a drink already" or she will say "isn't it cocktail time". She says that because i'm kind of grumpy during the day and super happy at night. Also, did you realize that mushrooms are now becoming mainstream and the go to medicine for certain anxieties/depression?
> 
> So I guess my question is it the actual drinking or the behavior that follows that you don't like?


The behavior for sure!! The mushrooms weren’t the issue but the situation he put himself in. He was around new people (and women) doing something he hadn’t done in years…who knows how he could have reacted and done.


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## Lizzyof707 (4 mo ago)

Mybabysgotit said:


> My dad drank every night as long as I can remember, still does. He's 88, works out every morning, little to no health issues (little dementia), never had a DUI or any other incident relating to drinking; just an all around happy guy. Grandma and Grandpa same thing, drank every night lived to 90's. I also workout every day, go to work everyday, have a great career and healthy. I can't find a problem to the drinking. To someone who doesn't drink, It's like the world is coming to an end to hear someone drinks every night. I'll do me, you do you, okay? I will slow down though eventually but not in a huge hurry here. I kind of feel when I stop, that's when the health issues will start coming my way. There are occasions where I can't or don't drink at nights and it's never been an issue. It's not like I get withdrawals or anything, just a little harder to sleep. Guess what, I also smoke pot at night....I know, I know, I am the devil recarnate...


My issue isn’t the drinking, it’s the behavior that comes along with excessive drinking. If he didn’t become mean and obnoxious…I wouldn’t have a problem but since he does, I have a problem.


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> If you’re four years older then you were 19/20 when he was 15/16. Generally, girls tend to be more mature than boys at those ages so being outgoing or adventurous doesn’t fix the difference. I think he’s making up for lost time because he feels life is passing him by. A classic mid-life crisis.


Yeah, it is the age difference in relation to gender and then the girl is already a mother when she enters the relationship with a teenage boy.

Young men rarely want children that age and they never have the right mindset to be ready.
And girls who are already on that train of motherhood so early and then engaging with younger teenage boys... holly, holly.

Pardon my words. I am not jugding!
It just screems that you OP are the dominant one.
You kindpf interfered with his developement.

From my observation there are some young girls who stick out and who need to be in control for some reason. They tend to become mothers very early to get love and control they didn't get from their parents. In addition to this they go and get a younger partner who they easily dominate due to their advanced maturaty. Again, control.

You also had already two different baby fathers just reaching your twenties. This is also typical for those girls from my observation.
Also girls who become pregnant at young age become highly dependend on being with a partner. As if their lifed depend on it.

I don't want to hurt you, but by any chance, could it be that you dragged him into something he wasn't ready for?

I mean you were so young and you had already a child, a broken relationship (hope it wasn't rape), but nevertheless you got the next guy quickly and got pregnant again. This is usually to keep the guy from leaving and not just an accident.
Was there nothing else on your mind? 
How did you get attached so quick again although you already had that heavy weight of having a child?
I mean, the answer is clear. You just have to open your eyes.
You were dependend and you are still.

I think there is more to your relationship with him. 

It seems you possesed him for a very long time and now your posession is acting out and you're confused. 

You two were just too young and you (as a young woman already with a child) were in a complete different stage of development compared to him. 
Now you see the result of it. 

He lived in the shadow of your longing for a family so early and now he needs to get out to catch up some developement he wasn't able to undergo.

Again, you can not expect a teenage boy to be major enough and at the same level as a young mother who is also older. Even those 4 years you were apart make a huge differnece in teenagers especially between boys and girls.

Girls are usually roughly 4 years ahead to boys.
So you most likely were like 8 years ahead to him in your emotional development.

Your relationship was more like a mother and child relationship to some extend and this is what you see now.
Your child/husband has become a teenager/husband and does what teenagers do. They become rebels to their parents. 

You also mention you did support him in getting training for his career. Again, like a mother taking care of a child. He couldn't even make his own decision about his career like a grown up experienced man.

Sorry, I hope this doesn't sound offensive. Maybe I am wrong to some extend. But I think you seriously have to start thinking about that age gap and the fact you started a family at such young age especially his age. 

I think there is more to come soon for you two to resolve.
I think you are and were expecting your husband to evolve around you and your needs from an age on he didn't even know what his own needs are. 
But you did this mistake because you were too young as well.
It all comes back to the age.

Look, we all have our stories and nothing happens for no reason. It is not about blaming yourself, but about learning from the past.
But therefore you have to take a close look without bewting yourself up. You'll learn a lot about yourself and in your case I think it is time you do. 
This is also sonething you did miss by becoming mother so early in your life.

Long story short, I think you both need some time apart from each other for a while and see what becomes of you. 

I think you should stop blaming the alcohol. It is a nice excuse, but it is a symptom not the cause of your problem.

*It isn't about him becoming a drunk, it is about you losing control over him.*


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Let him knows if he keeps up the drinking/drugs you plan to leave him.
Consequences for his bad behavior are necessary. IF he intends to continue being a drunk and disrespecting you - then you divorce him!
start planning now. He may not be willing to quit.

But NO ONE should have to stay in any relationship where the spouse is doing things purposely that make their spouse really uncomfortable. He is disregarding your feelings! Stop “letting it go”! Tell him stop or you’re leaving him!

drinking too much is bad enough - mushrooms too? He’s doing way more than you know about!

you can’t MAKE him stop! You can only lay out what you will do if he doesn’t.

almost 15 years sober here - there would still be serious and swift consequences IF I started drinking again. I made it look ugly. I know I don’t want to go back to that.

but I wouldn’t have any relationship at all with my loved ones if I drink again.

let him know it’s a deal breaker. He is purposely ruining your marriage by drinking to excess - it’s as bad as having another woman.
He’s hurting you - let him know that.
If he doesn’t care - or doesn’t intend to quit - divorce him.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Can you support your family without him?


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## Lizzyof707 (4 mo ago)

elliblue said:


> Yeah, it is the age difference in relation to gender and then the girl is already a mother when she enters the relationship with a teenage boy.
> 
> Young men rarely want children that age and they never have the right mindset to be ready.
> And girls who are already on that train of motherhood so early and then engaging with younger teenage boys... holly, holly.
> ...


Wow! That was a lot to take in and you could be right!! I made the post for insight and appreciate your feedback. I don’t think I’m controlling but maybe I am without realizing it🤔. I do encourage new friendships and there have many times that I insist he go hang out with friends to have a change of scenery-does a controlling person do that ? Yes, our age difference at the time we met was significant but I’ve never pressured him into being with me …on the contrary it was him who “found god” at 22 and wanted to get married and we have been solid for 99.9% of our 17 years of marriage and I’m certain he would agree. He would also agree that I’ve never “possessed him” lol…if anything he has possessed ME! He does what he wants and if I say anything against the grain- I’m controlling so I choose my battles carefully. This is the one area that I can’t seem to let go of and don’t see why I should have to accept simply because I chose a younger man.


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## Lizzyof707 (4 mo ago)

Beach123 said:


> Can you support your family without him?


That’s a hard no.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Then consult an attorney to find out how much support money you would receive if you divorce him. Leave the paperwork out on the counter so he realizes what’s in store if he won’t stop causing you pain with his behavior.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

If you aren’t willing to speak up loud and firmly - nothing will change.
If you aren’t willing to change this situation - it may not change.

you aren’t doing anything about this problem. You aren’t saying enough about how this affects you and the kids!

if he wants this life - let him have it! But do NOT subject yourself and your kids to a life at home that is unacceptable to YOU!

Your time at home should feel safe and protected from all the craziness in the world. Since he’s the problem - you’re going to need to get mentally to a place where he has to go in order to have peace of mind n your own home!


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## Lizzyof707 (4 mo ago)

Beach123 said:


> Then consult an attorney to find out how much support money you would receive if you divorce him. Leave the paperwork out on the counter so he realizes what’s in store if he won’t stop causing you pain with his behavior.


It’s interesting to read all these responses ! Some saying I am the problem and should have known better since he’s 4 years younger….many others saying to divorce him.


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## Lizzyof707 (4 mo ago)

Beach123 said:


> If you aren’t willing to speak up loud and firmly - nothing will change.
> If you aren’t willing to change this situation - it may not change.
> 
> you aren’t doing anything about this problem. You aren’t saying enough about how this affects you and the kids!
> ...


Speaking loudly about my feelings has got me nowhere. It only makes things worse tbh. It’s a whole “here we go again” and the only outcome is me feeling like total **** when I only want to be acknowledged. If I did something that bothered him, you best believe I would change it because I care so deeply for him and would never want him to feel like I didn’t care. I should be very clear that he is amazing man, father and friend. THIS is the one topic that falls on def ears because he sees nothing wrong with it. Thank you so much for your thoughts .


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I rarely try to bother looking for reasons as to why someone starts taking drugs, partying or drinking excessively. Especially after a certain age. especially for the spouse not taking mushrooms and not partying.

Because what’s the point? The blame comes back to you for the bad life they have lived and keep living? Never chase an addict (or person on a path that’s going down), and never look for reasons why. Put on the oxygen mask, you’ll need it.

If someone wants to do that, let them. Not everyone wants to climb out of a pit. Some people want to dig deeper and deeper, like the poster that mentioned his dad. 

So he’s embarrassing? Let him be embarrassing to someone else. He wants to party? Let him sleep until the afternoon. He starts feeling sick? He runs into trouble when he hits on the wrong man’s wife? Loses his job? Let him. And don’t be demanding help, don’t be fixing, don’t be chasing.

If you can get some professional assistance from a family drug/alcohol organisation you will be helped immensely. They too will firstly tell you it’s not your life, and to let them live it how they see fit. And to help you to NOT HELP THEM. Good luck.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Lizzyof707 said:


> It’s interesting to read all these responses ! Some saying I am the problem and should have known better since he’s 4 years younger….many others saying to divorce him.


Ah no, it’s not your problem that he married young and needs to party now and cook his brain. Even if he said that’s his problem, still not your problem. Most people try to make do with what they have, or find a way to better themselves. So you’re not the problem.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

If your feelings about this is falling on deaf ears then he is completely disrespecting you. I wouldn’t be ok with that. 
have you explained to him how disrespectful he is about communicating (or not communicating) with you?
Has he always been this way or just since he started overindulging?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Have you asked him why he is doing this?


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## Lizzyof707 (4 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> Have you asked him why he is doing this?


I have, he said he just wants to have some fun. He sees nothing wrong this and is very annoyed that I have a problem with it since it’s not everyday that it happens.


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## Lizzyof707 (4 mo ago)

Beach123 said:


> If your feelings about this is falling on deaf ears then he is completely disrespecting you. I wouldn’t be ok with that.
> have you explained to him how disrespectful he is about communicating (or not communicating) with you?
> Has he always been this way or just since he started overindulging?


He has definitely not always been this way and the over indulging isn’t daily but when it happens, it’s sooooo hard to deal with without getting angry because he becomes such a nuisance!. I haven’t used the word “disrespectful “ because I didn’t know that’s what he was being.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Lizzyof707 said:


> I have, he said he just wants to have some fun. He sees nothing wrong this and is very annoyed that I have a problem with it since it’s not everyday that it happens.


ok... how many times a week does this "fun" happens? What does he do exactly? Does he always come back drunk? What time? Just trying to size the magnitude of this fun...


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Lizzyof707 said:


> _*Well, neither of us have jobs that are very fulfilling and I know he wishes he did something …different. I have supported him through all different types of training schools he “thought” would be good for the family only for him to not like the jobs and move onto something else. Our relationship has always been strong until recently.*_


Ugh...so he's one of those who can't stick with anything and is continually thinking his big professional break is just around the corner. These are the types who continually jump from one profession to the next, each time SURE that this time, it's "the one" - until it turns out to be yet another dead end. You really are a saint.

My sister was with a guy JUST like this. He was always going from one 'career' to the next and never stayed with any of them. Thankfully my sister had a college education and was able to generate a decent income because Peter Pan wasn't bringing in the big bucks with all those career aspirations that kept being *dead ends*. I often used to say to my other sister, "when *his* ship finally comes in, he'll be at the airport."


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


Lizzyof707 said:



Speaking loudly about my feelings has got me nowhere. It only makes things worse tbh. It’s a whole “here we go again” and the only outcome is me feeling like total **** when I only want to be acknowledged. If I did something that bothered him, you best believe I would change it because I care so deeply for him and would never want him to feel like I didn’t care. I should be very clear that he is amazing man, father and friend. THIS is the one topic that falls on def ears because he sees nothing wrong with it. Thank you so much for your thoughts

Click to expand...

*Keep defending this nasty alcoholic who CONTINUALLY *disrespects* you and clearly doesn't give a rat's ass about YOUR feelings because his childish partying and drinking trumps whatever YOUR needs are. You lucky, lucky lady.

They must have had a sale on rose-colored glasses recently in your town because you're wearing a thick pair of them.

If you continue to put up with the *unacceptable*, then you'll continually GET the *unacceptable.*


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## Lizzyof707 (4 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> ok... how many times a week does this "fun" happens? What does he do exactly? Does he always come back drunk? What time? Just trying to size the magnitude of this fun...


It’s a couple times maybe 3 a month and he gets drunk at home. To name a few things he does : He gets loud, says rude things, shines flashlights in my face then laughs hysterically and when everyone is annoyed and in their rooms he leaves for his “walks” for literally 2-3 hours which then I can’t sleep because I’m worried about what he’s doing.


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## Lizzyof707 (4 mo ago)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Keep defending this nasty alcoholic who CONTINUALLY *disrespects* you and clearly doesn't give a rat's ass about YOUR feelings because his childish partying and drinking trumps whatever YOUR needs are. You lucky, lucky lady.
> 
> They must have had a sale on rose-colored glasses recently in your town because you're wearing a thick pair of them.
> 
> If you continue to put up with the *unacceptable*, then you'll continually GET the *unacceptable.*


Definitely not defending him but want to paint a clear picture of who he is normally to not bash him. I’m on here for advice, thank you for yours.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He’s having fun. You’re not. He probably won’t change so you’ll have to decide if it’s worth it to stay.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

If nothing changes - nothing changes.
Change will ONLY come if you change something!

while he may have been great in the past - he certainly isn’t now - he’s ruining your home life and making your kids feel insecure about being home when he is unpredictable.

your husband is being an a$$ to you and your kids! Say something that makes him understand you aren’t living this way anymore! Then DO the action that supports that statement.

he IS disrespecting you! Anyone not acknowledging your feelings when you state them is disrespecting you. Maybe you are just so used to it - you don’t know it when it slaps you in the face.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your husband is a drunk. Worse, he is also an abusive spouse.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Lizzyof707 said:


> I try my best to be delicate with my words when confronting him to avoid him getting defensive …I don’t raise my voice and I’m very calm. My words may sound harsh here because I’m expressing core feelings but don’t do that when speaking to him. I don’t believe he’s trying to escape me when drinking because he often will ask me to go out with him but he can be embarrassing and obnoxious so I politely decline.


Why don't you have a talk with him about him being embarrassing and obnoxious and tell him that you would go out with him if he would behave himself. He sounds like a really bad drunk.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Lizzyof707 said:


> My issue isn’t the drinking, it’s the behavior that comes along with excessive drinking. If he didn’t become mean and obnoxious…I wouldn’t have a problem but since he does, I have a problem.


Thank you for that, I was always wondering about what my wife thinks. I thought she thinks the same as you and I guess i'm right....for once


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## Randomlifeguru (3 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> What age are you two and how old are the kids?





In Absentia said:


> People who drink do that. It's not you.





Lizzyof707 said:


> *My husband and I have been married for 17 years-together for almost 27 years with 5 kids. Our relationship has always been strong and admired by a lot of people-he has always treated me so wonderfully!! I’d say for the past year or so he has changed immensely and started drinking daily (after years of not drinking EVER), wanting to hang out with a younger crowd and going to bars.
> The drinking isn’t always an issue if he just has a couple but, BUT…things quickly escalate into him having 6-7-8 beers then becoming obnoxious, rude, creepy and perverted. He has a pattern of disappearing on long walks every time because he knows I don’t want to deal with him being home drunk but the hours and hours of him being gone is also a problem. 2 weeks ago, he admitted to doing mushrooms with some friends from work at a pool party and I simply put-lost it! I threw his clothes out in backyard and felt completely out of control .I have tried all angles of trying to make him realize how the drinking affects me (the kids too!) but he says I’m controlling and insecure and that I can’t tell him what to do just as he “doesn’t tell me what to do” Divorce is thrown around by him every time and that infuriates me-sometimes I think he actually wants me to leave him because he doesn’t have the balls to tell me. Help! Am I overreacting?? I miss what we had so much😞*


I understand what you are going through. Addiction is impossible to defeat just learn to control. You are not overreacting. Lean on other family. Divorce is such a terrible process try to avoid it if at all possible. I do not think you are at the divorce stage yet for what it’s worth. What have you already tried to do to reach him?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Something we haven’t discussed is the divorce discussion.

You mentioned he is ‘throwing divorce around’. What is the context? When he has to face consequences?

Some people genuinely want a divorce and mention it often, and the other party doesn’t take it seriously. (Has he discussed this and made steps to pursue and initiate a divorce?)

Then there’s the sinister manipulation tactic: usually when a spouse wants the benefits of being married and uses it to scare a partner into letting them do whatever they want. Usually that means not doing housework, not contributing, emotional abandonment, seeing other people. So each time you bring up a behaviour that’s affecting you, or an unmet need, their way of deflecting blame or wanting to keep doing what they’re doing is to scream ‘I want a divorce, maybe we should divorce!’

what’s the context here for you?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Lizzyof707 said:


> It’s a couple times maybe 3 a month and he gets drunk at home. To name a few things he does : He gets loud, says rude things, shines flashlights in my face then laughs hysterically and when everyone is annoyed and in their rooms he leaves for his “walks” for literally 2-3 hours which then I can’t sleep because I’m worried about what he’s doing.


That's not very good. I thought he was going out with friends (not that it makes it more acceptable). At home? It's directly in your face and your children's. You need to tell him clearly that his behaviour is not acceptable and to take the necessary measures to stop the behaviour. This is clearly not fun for you. If he refuses you will need to think seriously if you want to spend the rest of your life like this.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

Lizzyof707 said:


> It’s a couple times maybe 3 a month and he gets drunk at home. To name a few things he does : He gets loud, says rude things, shines flashlights in my face then laughs hysterically and when everyone is annoyed and in their rooms he leaves for his “walks” for literally 2-3 hours which then I can’t sleep because I’m worried about what he’s doing.


I'd set up my phone to record video, place it on a table and record this when he walks in, then show it to him when he's sober. He might be shocked to witness his own behavior.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Lizzyof707 said:


> It’s a couple times maybe 3 a month and he gets drunk at home. To name a few things he does : He gets loud, says rude things, shines flashlights in my face then laughs hysterically and when everyone is annoyed and in their rooms he leaves for his “walks” for literally 2-3 hours which then I can’t sleep because I’m worried about what he’s doing.


This is not normal behavior. Drunk or not, this is nasty and cruel and very bad for the children. If he thinks this is ok, you have bigger problems than a few drinks.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

2 to 3 times a month drinking a lot and acting like an ass and immature when drunk isn't necessarily an alcoholic or a "drunk". 

He's obviously drinking on purpose and enjoying himself while he does it. Most people go through this stage in their early 20s. It's stupid and annoying and assholish but it doesn't automatically mean he's an alcoholic. It might just mean he is stupid and annoying. Sounds like he never had the chance to do this stupid **** when he was a young man.


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## Lizzyof707 (4 mo ago)

Quad73 said:


> I'd set up my phone to record video, place it on a table and record this when he walks in, then show it to him when he's sober. He might be shocked to witness his own behavior.


Your right! I should !


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## Lizzyof707 (4 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> Something we haven’t discussed is the divorce discussion.
> 
> You mentioned he is ‘throwing divorce around’. What is the context? When he has to face consequences?
> 
> ...


He never uses the word divorce directly . He will say things like “I can’t keep doing this with you” or “if this is how things are going to be- I don’t want to be here”. This is usually his response the day after when I confront him on his behavior and how it made me feel the day after when he’s sober. He always acts like nothing and wanting to be all lovey dovey the next day but I’m not a robot and as much as I wish I could just brush it off, I can’t!!


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## Lizzyof707 (4 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> That's not very good. I thought he was going out with friends (not that it makes it more acceptable). At home? It's directly in your face and your children's. You need to tell him clearly that his behaviour is not acceptable and to take the necessary measures to stop the behaviour. This is clearly not fun for you. If he refuses you will need to think seriously if you want to spend the rest of your life like this.


Since the mushroom incident , I don’t think he’s gone out with friends drinking actually so he just does it here . perhaps my reaction/overreaction scared both of us because I don’t do things like that (throwing his clothes outside). He told me the next day that if I did that again, he would leave and I needed help.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Lizzyof707 said:


> I have, he said he just wants to have some fun. He sees nothing wrong this and is very annoyed that I have a problem with it since it’s not everyday that it happens.


That is irrelevant, if his behaviour is abusive, affecting yiu and the family then it is a problem. Drunks rarely realise the damage they do. Mind yiu there are many types of drunks, happy, depressed, aggressive, sleepy etc. He sounds aggressive. I would video his behaviour the next time and show him why it’s a problem. Show him evidence, record him.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Lizzyof707 said:


> He never uses the word divorce directly . He will say things like “I can’t keep doing this with you” or “if this is how things are going to be- I don’t want to be here”. This is usually his response the day after when I confront him on his behavior and how it made me feel the day after when he’s sober. He always acts like nothing and wanting to be all lovey dovey the next day but I’m not a robot and as much as I wish I could just brush it off, I can’t!!


He is manipulating you by threatening to leave. This is emotional abuse. Call his bluff and go see a lawyer. Start doing a hard 180 on him. Tell him if yiu want to leave there is the door.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Then the day after he looks for affirmation that things are OK by being all lovey… that’s manipulation - to check if you are ok with what he’s done to you.
He may not be an alcoholic - but he certainly is a problem drinker - especially since his behavior causes harm to those around him when he drinks.
As long as HE thinks it’s ok - he’s not going to change his behavior.

you’re going to need to show him with evidence that his behavior is NOT ok - and let him know that there will be consequences for HIM if he intends to do this again.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

@Lizzyof707 I still can't quite figure the math out.

You said your husband was 21 when you had your first child with him. You said your kids are 26 (from prior relationship), 24, 16, 15 and 14. Since he is 42 he was 18 when the 24 year old was born. You would have been 21, since you are 46. Did you really mean YOU were 21 when you had his first child?

You also said you have been together 27 years, married 17. This means you've been together since he was about 15 and you were 19. How do you define "together"? Your oldest is 26, which means you were together when you were pregnant with YOUR oldest, correct? What happened to the father of that child?

Can you clear this up and explain a little more about how you came together? It may or may not be relevant. Normal I don't buy this crap about starting a relationship too young and acting out later because of FOMO, but maybe this one is different. I've been with my wife since I was 16 and haven't run into this in the subsequent 35 years, but we spent a lot of time just as a couple, about 2.5 years dating and married 8 years before we had our first child. He seems to have been thrown into a extremely adult situation at a very young age. Again, if my math is right he was dating a pregnant 19 year old when he was 15.




Lizzyof707 said:


> *My husband and I have been married for 17 years-together for almost 27 years with 5 kids. *





Lizzyof707 said:


> He’s 42 and I’m 46





Lizzyof707 said:


> kids are 26, 24, 16,15, 14 (oldest not his)





Lizzyof707 said:


> My oldest son is not his- he was 21 when I had our first child


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## Lizzyof707 (4 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> @Lizzyof707 I still can't quite figure the math out.
> 
> You said your husband was 21 when you had your first child with him. You said your kids are 26 (from prior relationship), 24, 16, 15 and 14. Since he is 42 he was 18 when the 24 year old was born. You would have been 21, since you are 46. Did you really mean YOU were 21 when you had his first child?
> 
> ...


I understand the age thing is confusing, I don’t even know for sure but estimated 27 years since my son is now almost that age. I believe I was 18 maybe and met him when I had a 6 month old son. I’m pretty sure he was 15. Our birthdays are 7 days apart. We were friends of course initially. My sons father is in the picture, and pretty much has always been…more so now. Oddly, he’s 4 years OLDER than I am. I didn’t have OUR first child for another 3 years. Yes-I understand he was “thrown “ into an adult situation but our life together up to this point has been nothing short of beautiful!! It’s incredible that we made it this far with so much love for one another until more recently. So I have a hard time understanding how that has anything to do with the current problem we’re having. I’ve been told he’s having a Mid life crisis?? Ok…I get that. But emotionally, even now-I may be a bit immature , more so then though!!


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## Lizzyof707 (4 mo ago)

Lizzyof707 said:


> I understand the age thing is confusing, I don’t even know for sure but estimated 27 years since my son is now almost that age. I believe I was 18 maybe and met him when I had a 6 month old son. I’m pretty sure he was 15. Our birthdays are 7 days apart. We were friends of course initially. My sons father is in the picture, and pretty much has always been…more so now. Oddly, he’s 4 years OLDER than I am. I didn’t have OUR first child for another 3 years. Yes-I understand he was “thrown “ into an adult situation but our life together up to this point has been nothing short of beautiful!! It’s incredible that we made it this far with so much love for one another until more recently. So I have a hard time understanding how that has anything to do with the current problem we’re having. I’ve been told he’s having a Mid life crisis?? Ok…I get that. But emotionally, even now-I may be a bit immature , more so then though!!


We didn’t get married until our daughter was about 6 years old-then came the last 3.


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## Lizzyof707 (4 mo ago)

Lizzyof707 said:


> I understand the age thing is confusing, I don’t even know for sure but estimated 27 years since my son is now almost that age. I believe I was 18 maybe and met him when I had a 6 month old son. I’m pretty sure he was 15. Our birthdays are 7 days apart. We were friends of course initially. My sons father is in the picture, and pretty much has always been…more so now. Oddly, he’s 4 years OLDER than I am. I didn’t have OUR first child for another 3 years. Yes-I understand he was “thrown “ into an adult situation but our life together up to this point has been nothing short of beautiful!! It’s incredible that we made it this far with so much love for one another until more recently. So I have a hard time understanding how that has anything to do with the current problem we’re having. I’ve been told he’s having a Mid life crisis?? Ok…I get that. But emotionally, even now-I may be a bit immature , more so then though!!


Also, there was about a 2 year gap that we were not together after she was born. So he did have time to explore life during that time-and let me tell you…he did!!


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Lizzyof707 said:


> I understand the age thing is confusing, I don’t even know for sure but estimated 27 years since my son is now almost that age. I believe I was 18 maybe and met him when I had a 6 month old son. I’m pretty sure he was 15. Our birthdays are 7 days apart. We were friends of course initially. My sons father is in the picture, and pretty much has always been…more so now. Oddly, he’s 4 years OLDER than I am. I didn’t have OUR first child for another 3 years. Yes-I understand he was “thrown “ into an adult situation but our life together up to this point has been nothing short of beautiful!! It’s incredible that we made it this far with so much love for one another until more recently. So I have a hard time understanding how that has anything to do with the current problem we’re having. I’ve been told he’s having a Mid life crisis?? Ok…I get that. But emotionally, even now-I may be a bit immature , more so then though!!


The math still doesn't work out. You said he was 21 when you guys had your first kid together, but she was born 3 years after you met him. You met when he was 15, so he was 18, not 21. I realize this feels like ancient history at this point, I'm confused as to how you would be so far off the ages.




Lizzyof707 said:


> Also, there was about a 2 year gap that we were not together after she was born. So he did have time to explore life during that time-and let me tell you…he did!!


Can you expand on this a little? Again, if I understand the timeline, you had your 24 year old daughter with him when he was around 18, then you got married when she was 6 and he was 24. In that time there was a separation of 2 years and it sounds like he got around and "sewed his oats". What happened that you were split and then got back together?

I do think you are right, that getting into things with you at a young age probably isn't the issue since he did have a couple years to do his own thing while still a young man.


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## Lizzyof707 (4 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> The math still doesn't work out. You said he was 21 when you guys had your first kid together, but she was born 3 years after you met him. You met when he was 15, so he was 18, not 21. I realize this feels like ancient history at this point, I'm confused as to how you would be so far off the ages.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


We weren’t together for a couple years because simply put, he did not want to take on the responsibility. He would see her every now and then but eventually wanted to be around permanently. He found Jesus and wanted to get married immediately, I always loved him and was excited to share our life together, so we got married within a month.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Lizzyof707 said:


> We weren’t together for a couple years because simply put, he did not want to take on the responsibility. He would see her every now and then but eventually wanted to be around permanently. He found Jesus and wanted to get married immediately, I always loved him and was excited to share our life together, so we got married within a month.


So how does Jesus play a roll in his life now? Surely he must know that drinking daily, occasional binge drinking and doing mushrooms at the expense of his family isn't exactly following the path of Jesus.

Any idea where he is going on these 2-3 hour walks or what he is doing? Is he drunk when he comes home?


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## Lizzyof707 (4 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> So how does Jesus play a roll in his life now? Surely he must know that drinking daily, occasional binge drinking and doing mushrooms at the expense of his family isn't exactly following the path of Jesus.
> 
> Any idea where he is going on these 2-3 hour walks or what he is doing? Is he drunk when he comes home?


Oh Jesus plays no role anymore, that was in the past. He walks all around the neighborhood, crosses the highway…just wandering I guess. He’s usually much less drunk when he comes back and will typically go to sleep.


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