# So confused, think I am controlled.



## Sadandconfused1 (Nov 13, 2012)

Like so many posts on here I just don't know where to start.

I divorced from the love of my life in 2006. He left me and I was heartbroken. In 2007 I met a lovely new man and was completely swept off my feet. We married in 2010, I can see now it was too quick but I really felt that after all of the hurt I had been through I some how deserved my happy ending. 

I was very close to my family and they supported me immensely when my first husband left. When I met the new man I was so swept up in my romance that looking back I think I cast them aside. My latest husband made it clear from the start that he wasn't a family man. He only spoke to one sister. He always seemed to find it strange how often I wanted to see my family and I often went on my own as I found it easier to talk to them properly on my own.

Soon after we were married and probably a little before if I look back my husband began to find fault in lots of things. My appearance, my cooking, my firiends, that my family is 'common' and it got more and more hurtful. I used to fight back but then he wore me down. At first I took his comments to heart but then I started to fight against them and think - you know what - im not that bad as you make out. I think the most hurtful thing he says about me is things about my personality. Everyone that I come into contact with says how lovely and helpful and kind I am and yet he sees me as the complete opposite. If I say how can all of these other people be so wrong he often says it is because he is the only one to see me at my true self. I do everything at home - cooking, cleaning, washing, diy anything I do it and that is because he has a 'very demanding job' where as I am just having a career change and doing a full time full on postgraduate course with the view to a new job in July. Everyone is so proud of me for doing this my family and friends - except him. He thinks I am a mug to give up a fairly high paid job to do this (he has never relied on my salary) although likes to brag to people that I am doing it.
When I first got accepted onto the course I just assumed that I would get part time work to fund myself. I moved in to his house when we married but my name has never been put onto any documents and I have just paid some bills etc (I still have my old account whcih I rent out). It took someone in the pub to suggest that maybe he should be supporting his wife of 2 years throught his amazing career change so he suddenly realised that maybe he should. We set up a bank account at the same bank he is with. Because he has such an important job  he has an account with special features. The bank said that if they put this facility on to the joint account we would both have the bonus features (AA travel insurance etc) he agreed although I thought at the time he hadnt been listening properly. When the card came through his own account was now a different colour (representing an enormous difference in status apparently) so he demanded that the bank changed it back. I was so embarrassed as the lady in the bank kept saying 'but your wife will lose her benefits!' and he kept on about how he would look if he took clients out to lunch (which he doesnt do - it is all for show). So that was fine. I was happy just a little hurt really if I am honest.

My husband thinks that society owes him. He does silly or irresposible things at work and then goes on and on about how he can sue the company for breaches of this or breaches of that. He has run up quite a bit of debt in this way. Luckily it is not my debt because even though we are married everything is separate. As I am studying I have completely taken over the dining table with all of my stuff. We have a study but it is his study. I have long felt like a second class citizen and I know I shouldnt have but I started to confide in my best friend, my mum. She hasnt had a great marriage so knows what men are like so would listen without outwardly turning against him. He drinks a lot - most nights but this in itself hasnt really been an issue apart from him not coming home. He would go on to anyone that would listen that he has such a hard job etc (the only person in the country that can do it!) so we couldnt ever plan anything for an evening (unless really really important) and most times we couldnt for Sat or Sun morning because of the expected hangover. I got used to this and the resultant moodiness when he finally got up but what really wound me up was that he would walk past our house to go to the pub after work without even putting his head in and saying hello. We had rows after row about this and temporarily it would get better but never for long. Any tiny stress and he would need to go to the pub.

I have been speaking to my mum recently about feeling trapped and that if I had somewhere to go I might leave. I was so embarrassed that my second marriage was failing and thought she would be embarrassed about what people would think. I also find it very hard to hurt my husband even though I have been hurt on many occasions by him. I always think that he cant help it.
My mums advice? Pack yourself and the cat anytime and come to the family home. She said she would squeeze me in and sod what people thought. Maybe feeling that there was an option made me change my viewpoint but 
we had a massive row the other night (about the cat of all things!) and my husband came home and said 'you have threatened to leave in the past and I have talked you out of it but this time I think you should leave' . The first thing I felt was relief. There I have said it. A bit sad - but I think if i am honest at the thought of having to move A LOT of stuff and my dear cat and the sadness that the marriage had failed.

That night my mind was racing. He said there was no hurry but in my mind I was plotting moving some stuff when he was out in case he didnt let me take certain things that I had moved in with. I am very attached to my belongings rightly or wrongly. I tipped my mum off that it might be sooner rather than later and she has started to get the spare room empty!

That night my husband came home and acted like he was sure I would have changed my mind. He was talking about a house he fancied In Canada (which is where he wanted us to move to but I refused. ANother point of friction but I couldnt move around the world with someone with whom I felt so lonely every day living near my family, job and friends.) I felt pleased - I want him to be happy to ease my concience. I feel so so guilty for leaving. he seems to have forgotten that he suggested it and keeps saying 'I accept your decision' which makes me feel really guilty.
Then just before bed - 'I have really ****** this up' what can I do to change things? how can I make you happy? I dont want to hurt his feelings but I just thinking that he is superior is within him and cannot be changed. i dont want to point this out again now and cause more hurt. I worry about him being on his own and lonely. Apart from his pub mates he wont have anyone and I will be surrounded by family.
He asked if a baby would have changed things and I said possibly - which is true. I longed for a baby and always have. He continuously made excuses - we need to move first - we need more money etc. Now he is saying that he thinks he would have made a good dad and that if he knew how much it meant he would have had one (he really did know my desperation for a baby).

He wants me to wait until I fininsh my course and just live as housemates until then (July). I think this is what we already are as intimacy stopped a long time ago (problems on both sides - addressed at the time with a therapist but never truly resolved) and i dont feel comfortable with the isea of that. I would still feel obliged to cook clean etc for him as its just the way I am.
The thought of christmas always stresses me out because I know he hates it and I used to love it and my family all get together. He never even wanted to put the tree up. He used to come but it would be obvious to us that he just wanted to go home. He said he felt awkward receiving gifts but I didnt think he made any attempt to look grateful when my family got him things whcih I felt hurtful and embarassing. I feel it would be better to go before christmas and then I can be living with my family

So now he wants me to think about whether I am going to let us have another try. he says that I have never really given him a chance to change but I think really I have. I worry about him being on his own at christmas etc but I also wonder if I am still being manipulated?
I feel quite teary but I think it is because I am riddled with guilt, shame and embarrassment. The thought of an interupted christmas with my family excites me.

Any words of advice? Sorry it is so long.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I only got as far as Paragraph 3 and I knew...YOU SHOULD google "traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder". I'm quite sure THIS is what you are dealing with. I know, my STBXH has it.

NOTHING will change him. For the love of God, Do NOT have a baby with this man. Be so careful! He might try to trap you with one.

Read up on the above disorder; if you decide to leave him (and I HOPE you do), he will go bat-sh1t crazy on you; they are controlling AND manipulative. But run like the wind NOW (before Christmas) and reclaim your life!

Hang in there! I left after 19yrs of marriage (22 yrs together) May 2012 and it's the BEST THING I'VE DONE in 10 years! You would NOT believe the RELIEF and PEACE I finally feel.

Keep coming to TAM; we're here to support you, even if it's just to hear you vent!


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## Sadandconfused1 (Nov 13, 2012)

Slowly getting wiser you sent a shiver down my spine!
I had seen that disorder popping up when I had been searching on line for what on earth was wrong with me/him!

Thank you so much for your reply. He isnt home again and I am so much stronger when that is the case. I will keep you posted and thank you again. I dont know if this was the same for you but I keep wondering 'is it really bad enough for me to leave' but now you have confirmed it for me xx


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Sad, I agree with Slowly that you are describing NPD traits. Kathy Batesel provides an excellent overview of narcissism in her blog article at Narcissism: Recognizing, Coping With, and Treating It.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

sadandconfused1: I didn't realize what was wrong until I came here to TAM (after dealing with it for 22yrs). Couldn't figure out WHY things never got better.

HANG TOUGH, you CAN do it! Now that you know what's going on, you can make a plan and DEAL with it.

Would LOVE to see you change your login name someday. You're sadandconfused1 NOW, but content and peaceful and growing soon enough. BTW: my STBXH is ALSO my 2nd husband, so I really do know where you're coming from.

*hugs*


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## LiamN (Nov 5, 2012)

Sadly, you are living with a narcissist. Having had first hand experience with these people I can tell you that you really only have two choices:
1) stay with them, or
2) be happy.
Even if they would want to, narcissists are unable to consider anyone but themselves.
Just be aware that if you do decide to leave he will make life very difficult for you because narcissists cannot cope with the concept of being 'wrong'.
Don't be concerned about having made a 'mistake' with your second marriage. All mistakes are actually blessings in disguise and are only mistakes if we refuse to learn from them or act on them.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Here is another article that will be extremely helpful to you.......
Romeo's Bleeding

Here is a book you can purchase that will also be extremely helpful........
The Object of My Affection is in My Reflection

This article about breaking up will be helpful, and you reeaalllly need to read Belief #9. Read also the side article about disengaging afterward.

I know leaving is difficult, and all the residual thought processes makes actually doing it even harder. I want to first commend you for making the decision to leave because most women never find within themselves the wherewithal to make the hard decision much less actually going through with it.

When I was with an abusive narcissist, I spent those 3 whopping months with my mind in a constant centrifugal storm of confusion. I asked myself the same questions you did. I wondered why I could never be right about anything. Even when I repeated what he previously stated, I still had to be wrong. I kept trying to figure out what was going on. Kept trying to get a grasp on things. Kept trying to make sense of it all. I also wondered if I should leave but couldn't make that decision because I needed a reason. If he physically abused me, I could identify and define that, but I couldn't explain, much less define, what was happening. It came to me one day that none of that mattered because there WERE no answers, and the only thing that mattered was that I didn't like it and refused to live that way any longer. I left immediately after that. In fact, I was at work when it occurred to me. I asked a co-worker whom I knew drove a pretty large pickup truck and called a friend to use his truck. I was out of his house by bedtime and back to work the next morning.

Living with someone like him makes you second guess yourself all the time, but know that is the main thing you have to break free from. This is what he has caused in you. It's not your natural self so when you leave, you will be free to regain and redeem your own sense of self and your self worth and again become the wonderful, confident person you know yourself to be. Stop bogging yourself down with second guesses, guilt, embarrassment, and unaswered questions. Just remember you are leaving because you don't like this relationship. You don't like the way he treats you, and not liking it is all that matters. It doesn't matter if he is right or wrong in the things he says. It doesn't matter if all makes sense or not. It doesn't matter if you are unsure. It doesn't matter what other people will think. You don't like it. That is more than reason enough.

The guilt you are feeling is very common but if you think about it, it really doesn't make sense. For example, the guilt of leaving him alone at Christmas time, when Christmas means nothing to him and the two of you don't enjoy or experience in the same way. Another example is thinking he needs you, when he is a grown man who survived just fine before you met him. Don't worry. He'll survive, and to hell with him if he doesn't LOL.


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## Michie (Aug 26, 2012)

I think your husband had a ****e childhood. And has no clue how families and marriages operate, and instead of taking note of the closeness of your family unit and wanting to be apart of it, he craps on it out of resentment and jealousy.


If only the thought of being separate from him makes you happy with anticapation, you should at the very least make that thought into reality.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sadandconfused1 (Nov 13, 2012)

Thank you all so much for your comments - it really is a great comfort.
I can now look back and see so many points where I doubted myself. And you are spot on with his family life, it was very unhappy.

He is acting a bit odd since the first night it dawned on him I actually meant it. That night he was very cuddly and clingy etc - very out of character. I wasn't sure how I would deal with going with him like that. Luckily yesterday normal service resumed. Came home gone 9 a little tipsy acting like nothing has happened, I.e. talking about himself.
That is a lot easier to deal with.

Thanks so much everyone
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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