# New here, need advice. (long)



## Eikcaj (Aug 12, 2009)

Hi everyone. I'm new here and am just going to jump in head first! 

Little background; My husband and I were together for 2 1/2 years before we got married. I met him when I was 18, we got married when I was 21 (he's 6 years older than me), and had a much planned/wanted/loved daughter when I was 24. We are coming up on our 8 year wedding anniversary, and our daughter's 5th birthday. 

Things have been "fine" in our marriage. No fighting, cheating, etc., etc. Over the last year or so, I'm beginning to realize that this might not be the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. He has no clue. He thinks everything is just as fine as it always was. I must be good at faking happiness. 

I love my husband, but I'm not "in love" with him anymore. I love him as the father of my daughter, and he is a good man, I just don't think we are compatible for the long haul. 

I am not attracted to him, which makes our love life pretty dull. There are lots of things he does or says, facial expressions, the way he walks, etc. that just drive me up a wall. 

I'm jealous of my friends and sisters who have a partner in their spouse. I have a spouse minus the partner. We spend a lot of time apart, because we don't have a lot in common. I really love being around and spending time with my extended family, I love spending weekends up north, I love going out to eat, movies, spending time with friends, I'm very social I guess. He is not. All of the above (or anything else) I do with my daughter in tow, while my husband is perfectly happy sitting on our sofa playing video games. 
Anytime I ask him to go somewhere (usually a family event, etc.) he asks "do I have to?" I say no, and go without him. I hate going places without him. He knows this, but hasn't done anything to change. It's just who he is. 

I'm still young, almost 29, he's 35. I think that when we got together, since I was so young, that is what I wanted. I loved him, it was fun, we got married. Now that I'm getting older, I'm growing within myself, and realizing this is a completely different way of life than what I want for myself and my daughter. 

Also, I've recently started going to church, trying to find my way. He's not a believer. There is no way to change this about him (or anything about him for that matter) and I feel horrible going to church, praising Jesus, with my daughter and without my husband. So horrible that I've quit going. To me, this is something to share as a family, not 2/3 of the family.

Anyway, any advice is welcome. I'm really thinking about leaving, but I'm so afraid to talk to him about this. I don't want to hurt him, which is exactly what would happen. I know that if we do separate, he would forever be in my life because of my daughter, which makes me wonder if I should just stick it out and be unhappy for the rest of my life.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Have you really ever sat down and discussed these things with him? Just curious. Do you ever say he has to go? My suggestion is to seek out marriage counseling.

Remember the "in love" thing is really infatuation. Real love is unconditional and that takes effort and hard work by both parties. 

Just my two cents.


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## Eikcaj (Aug 12, 2009)

I have not talked to him about this. I'm not very good at confronting and talking to people. I'd probably get 3 words out before I start crying and hyperventilating. I just don't have the nerve. It's not that I can't talk to him, it's people in general. He's the one person I'm supposed to be comfortable around, but I'm not.

I understand that "in love" is infatuation. I'm really trying to say that I love him for being a great father. I love him, but it seems like I love him more as a friend and father of my daughter, instead of the kind of love you'd expect married people to have.

Counseling is an option, but we can't afford it.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Do you think it is fair to remove any opportunity for him to respond to your complaints? 

If you can't talk to him yourself, get help from a professional. But if you are going to do that, I hope you'll be doing it with the desire to save your marriage as opposed to just giving him a laundry list of what's wrong with him and why the two of you aren't compatible and should split. 

A 35 YO that sits around playing video games instead of living life would bother me, too. So it isn't like I don't get what you're saying. But maybe he's avoiding social anxiety or has another problem. He should have the opportunity to explore why he's elected what he's elected before you decide he's not the guy you want to be married to.

Just as you are afraid to talk to people, he may have very real problems on the social front. 

Churches offer free counseling. 

When you don't feel it is the time that you show someone you really love them and are committed to them. Longing for romance or whatever it is that you're longing for -- companionship? dunno. You seem to have filled that need with other people. So, you don't need him. Maybe you should consider turning toward him for companionship and get his butt off of the couch.


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