# Wondering if it's worth it



## Kuranes (Jan 16, 2015)

Hi there. I'm new to the forum. I registered because I have a lot of things on my chest regarding my marriage, and I don't have anyone I can really talk to about it.

I think I'm in an abusive relationship. We have occasional arguments like any normal couple, but sometimes situations happen that, I think, stretch the boundaries of what is acceptable in a relationship. Feelings are subjective, and we never see ourselves as the bad guy, but I can't see how the treatment I'm getting is deserved. I'm going to try and share my experiences as truthfully as possible.

Some background:

My wife and I started going out in March 2009. There were warning signs that we wouldn't be compatible with each other, but a surprise pregnancy announcement on Thanksgiving 2010 changed everything. Our daughter was born July 2011, and October 2011 we were married.

That November colored the entire marriage up to this point. She had made a comment like "I wasn't born yesterday," and being the Blackadder fan I am, I responded with "Too bad, we could've started your personality from scratch!" It was completely in jest, with no intention of insulting her or making her feel bad. It was similar to the "ribbing" she'd give me occasionally, a lighthearted comment. Like a joke at a Comedy Central Roast.

That comment set her off immediately, and after I realized she had taken offense to it, I followed her around apologizing profusely for the bad joke and telling her the source of the line, but she wasn't interested in hearing it. She maintained a mean, condescending tone for the next four weeks. I'd kiss her, she wouldn't kiss me back. She'd come down on me when I forgot to do something or didn't do it well enough (e.g. chores). I dealt with all of it, starting to doubt myself. I kept asking her if she was okay, and that I'm available any time she wanted to talk. She'd say she was fine and to not bother her.

Then, suddenly, one Saturday she finally talked about how hurt the statement made her, and I repeated the apology I'd been giving for four weeks. She accepted and we returned to "normal".

There were a few other instances of similar behavior, the time in which she would build an emotional wall of ice between us would range from a couple days to a couple weeks. I called it "Running the Gauntlet", where no matter what I said or did to rectify the situation, my wife seemed to want her pound of flesh for my transgression (in her eyes). And nothing would persuade her to just drop the issue. Therefore, I had to keep running a gauntlet of nasty comments and emotional distancing until she decided I had suffered enough, and then we'd resume our marriage.

In January of 2013 came a watershed moment in our marriage. I had started a new job, and was working to finish my degree at university. Our daughter was a year and a half, and was becoming a handful. My mood was a bit stressful, as I was not working 50 hours a week, and now commuting 100 miles a day. My free time was spent working on my final project for my degree.

My wife saw my mood (I guess I wear my emotions on my sleeve), and asked me "why I was so unhappy all the time." I responded: "Why am I unhappy? Because my life is just constant work, work, work. It's work, internship, and daughter. I don't have a chance to do things I enjoy anymore."

She responded, "Oh, you don't enjoy being around our daughter, is that it?!" And I knew a new episode had started. She immediately got up from the couch and walked away from me. I realized what I said sounded bad, and my anxiety went through the roof. I walked behind her, trying to explain that I was just talking about being stressed, and my daughter is the most wonderful thing in my life, and that it came out sounding terrible and I was extremely sorry. She wasn't interested. She played with our daughter and pretended to not hear me, while I stood behind and felt like the lowest piece of trash on Earth.

When I tried holding my daughter, my wife would come by and pull her out of my hands. I'd follow her and ask her why she was doing this, and her response was "Well, you said you don't enjoy taking care of your daughter, so I'm doing it." I try explaining myself, but at that point I realized how futile it is.

After a few hours of this treatment, I became very upset and confronted her, telling her what she was doing was extremely mean. Her response was "You're a terrible person, and I need to defend my daughter from people like you." I told her that statement really hurt me, and she said she didn't care, "it was the truth."

She continued her behavior all that day. The next morning, I begged forgiveness in tears, saying how important our daughter is to me and how I love her more than life itself, and I begged my wife to not take my daughter away from me. After that, she stopped taking my daughter away.

Since that day, I've looked at our marriage more as a burden. The gauntlet runs happened since then, but they were becoming less intense and I saw it as a sign we were finally through the rough patch, and things were improving. The sex in our relationship was sporadic though, often months in between sessions. She wanted it, but I didn't have the same heart as I had before. My wife was a source of anxiety.

Fast forward to two days ago. My cousin and his girlfriend were having a baptism for their son. I decided to go to it (it was late at night), and when I told my wife my plans she immediately became upset. I told her if she didn't want me to go I wouldn't, but she wouldn't hear it. So I went to the ceremony, and as of Friday afternoon she has kept herself distanced emotionally, similar to all the other gauntlets I've run.

And now I'm here, dealing with another episode, wishing her a good day in the morning, and dealing with the silence I get in return. And I feel I've reached the end of my rope in this marriage. I just don't have the heart to keep doing this. So I'm looking at our past and wondering if this is all worth it. If it weren't for my daughter, I would've left a long time ago. But I grew up in a house where my parents stayed together, and I want the same for my daughter.

But maybe a divorce is kinder than having my daughter grow up around all the drama and hurt.

I'm not an angel by any stretch. But I've never cheated, always done my best to provide for my family, and if I slipped up and said something wrong or hurtful I accepted blame and apologized.

Thanks for reading my long story. Any comments would be appreciated. Thanks.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Look up "stonewalling".
Start there.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Kuranes said:


> She continued her behavior all that day. The next morning, I begged forgiveness in tears, saying how important our daughter is to me and how I love her more than life itself, and I begged my wife to not take my daughter away from me. After that, she stopped taking my daughter away.


This was difficult for me to read.
My husband and I have had a very rough road, resulting in separation, but I can't imagine either of us taking our daughter away from the other. That is just...something you DO NOT DO, unless one of you is abusing the child.

Your wife is very passive-aggressive. She punishes you by giving you the silent treatment, and forcing you to beg for forgiveness, even though you've repeatedly apologized. And it seems to be over comments here and there. From my own personal experience dealing with people in my life who have exhibited this kind of behaviour, I can say that by you constantly apologizing, you're just strengthening her position of "superiority". She won't budge unless she's determined that you've suffered enough.

You should sit down and have a heart to heart with her. Tell her this kind of behaviour is seriously making you re-consider the marriage. Try marriage counselling. Do not give up on your marriage without trying options that might put it back on track. Apologizing to your wife when she's upset obviously doesn't work, so you need to get an objective 3rd party to give you guys some relationship advice and tips on how to communicate with each other. I feel for you...good luck.


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

Did your wife see abuse growing up? What was her relationship like with her dad, and what was her parent's relationship like? I ask because the "people like you" comment doesn't make sense unless you're being abusive, or she grew up seeing it.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Hi-- on the one hand, everything you wrote is bad.

On the other, it's not clear to me whether these are isolated incidents or whether this is a constant pattern and these are just examples. 

I would not necessarily excuse it if they are more isolated incidents, but most couples (I think) don't always behave well toward one another. My guess is your wife could point out a few instances in the past few years where you did some bad stuff.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Anon1111 said:


> Hi-- on the one hand, everything you wrote is bad.
> 
> On the other, it's not clear to me whether these are isolated incidents or whether this is a constant pattern and these are just examples.
> 
> I would not necessarily excuse it if they are more isolated incidents, but most couples (I think) don't always behave well toward one another. My guess is your wife could point out a few instances in the past few years where you did some bad stuff.


I don't think it's about doing some bad stuff, or making some mistakes. It's about habits and behavioural patterns.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

I was once married to a woman who cherished her grudges, indulged herself in all sorts of mental gymnastics making herself a martyr, and was very conflict avoidant. 

I'm very glad I'm not married to her anymore.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Look into "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "Married Mans Sex Life Primer". See if there's some insight for you.

C


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm married to a passive agressive, and I find that this kind of attitude often stems from feeling powerless and being afraid to speak up regarding what bothers them. I sense that your wife is extremely insecure, which is part of the reason she's quick to take offense. Does this sound like her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

You wife is very unhappy within herself. 

~sammy


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm married to a passive agressive, and I find that this kind of attitude often stems from feeling powerless and being afraid to speak up regarding what bothers them. I sense that your wife is extremely insecure, which is part of the reason she's quick to take offense. Does this sound like her?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Me too...I'm married to a 'passive aggressive'...I often have to check myself before getting angry because thats exactly what she wants. 

We will have friends coming fro dinner...I will be at work till 6.00-6.30pm...I'll ask her to put the oven on at 6pm (I do all the cooking - enjoy it) I get home to find she hasn't done it. In the past I would blow up; 'you can't even do a simple thing like put the oven on'....My reaction was exactly what she wanted...she had done nothing but I was shouting at her...

Now, and its difficult, I just ignore and say something like 'Never mind, you must have been busy'. I try not to rise to it..why? Because I don't want to give her the pleasure!

Neither do I care much any more....If I get home and she is out but comes back an hour later I don't ask where she's been....If she says she's going out 'ok, bye'. 
I want her to realise that it no longer bothers me what she does and that I actually don't NEED her in my life. I can cope without her.

Is she noticing? Don't think so.


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