# Wife Just Left Friday



## ScottH454 (Jun 3, 2012)

Have a long story to tell, but for know just a small post. My wife of three years have had issues for awhile now an she walked out before to get away an think. She started calling pretty soon regretting her discussion. She left her things so I didn't think it was over an ended up going to get her. 

Now almost a year later, Friday I came home from work an her stuff was gone, no note or any message. It drank a lot to get through the next two days an Sunday night went to bed sober cold sweats an no sleep. Convincing myself the signs where always there from the start an it had to happen te get through. 

This morning she left a voice mail from her mothers phone (blocked so can call back) an said she was in Colorado with her parents an she wanted a divorce. I heard no sadness or difficulty in her voice. She said she'd call back later to give my a number to contact her. Her phone was under my mothers contract to that got turn off when she left. 

She didn't take much other than her clothes an had said before she wouldn't want anything from me. Most everything is in my name an especially the house we built, an most of what's inside it is on my credit cards. So we don't really have an money or things to split so we should be able to handle it online here in WA state. 

What my reason for posting is I'm anxious for her to call back an talk to her an get her info so I can finish filing. An ask her if she is gonna want something an how to handle what she didn't take. 

Turning out long anyway, but hearing her background an what she did during the marriage not one person alive could argue against this. I am her 6th husband, I had only known of the last one when we married. Wasn't till she lost my trust I started looking through her past an found the others. Most all have about the same time length as with us. So I won't be blaming myself one bit, hope this helps me through faster.

I'm doing better more angry after hearing her voice mail. Keep reading up to four months grieving, is that the same feeling all the way through? Cause having trouble eating since.

Hope to get where I can share more an work on the story of our time together. Thanks

Oh is there a list of dealing with the beginning stage? Didn't look yet, but I'm wondering how to deal with "us" around the house. Gonna go to store for food in case I can't eat because it was our food. How do you deal with the rest of things, don't wanna get rid of our furniture or the house.


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

so very sorry for you, my wife & i separated 6 weeks ago, i still don't eat very much, got on meds to help, wake up every night in cold sweats & dont sleep worth a damn. it's i believe one of the hardest things to go through, if you ever need to talk im always here, you can pm me. im living it too as are so many others, you are not alone


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

So sorry... Its gonna be hard but ou will get through _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

ScottH454 said:


> I am her 6th husband,


:scratchhead:


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Your wife is most likely a Borderline Personality. Her past and recent behavior screams of this.

She only finds meaning in the infatuation stage of a relationship and once that stage is over, she hops onto the next guy to find the same fantasy repeated for a short while. She will end up being a lonely old woman.

Very sorry you're going through this.


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

synthetic said:


> Your wife is most likely a Borderline Personality. Her past and recent behavior screams of this.
> 
> She only finds meaning in the infatuation stage of a relationship and once that stage is over, she hops onto the next guy to find the same fantasy repeated for a short while. She will end up being a lonely old woman.
> 
> Very sorry you're going through this.


I've actually been reading on this, also has PTSD & add, should have been in counseling for years. I love her with my soul but I can't change the future. Sucks to be 43 & starting over, really sucks
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScottH454 (Jun 3, 2012)

In the beginning she was very clingy an affectionate, then at some point after I kept after her to chill she did an gave me space ever since. Last year we couldn't afford her phone contract so she went on my parents. She meet a friend from growing up online an would text her a lot to the point I keep telling her she was hurting us. Finally wanted to do something an asked my mom to look up how much she texted that month; 15,000 to mostly the one girl. She cut back, but it was always too much. I met her through myspace an was suspicious of that, how do I know she wasn't messaging many an found one. I told her I was an x smoker an felt I deserved to be with one too an so she told be she had but quit. Now know she never did, I'd come home an the place smelled like smoke. Asked her an she'd have the darnedest stories. Caught her washing her hair in the sink one time an she said a bird pooped on her head. I kept getting more suspicious an her lies harder to believe. When I finally caught her ling it really broke the trust. Before I could get it back she'd do something else. Never could trust her up to today. That's what I think caused her to leave. I had finally accepted she smoked so she'd stop lying, couldn't convince her to stop. Guess she got tired of the nagging.


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## ScottH454 (Jun 3, 2012)

synthetic, I agree, in the beginning I saw it an thought it was because she was divorced an that was affecting how she dealt with me. Think she always kept her distance from me too, never was able to talk to me an tell me about herself.

She is 41 an married five other times with no children. My conclusion for what she is after is someone who can get her pregnant. Once she saw I couldn't do that she bailed. Obviously she had a problem with her parts so yeah she'll be doing this again.

She moved in with me within a month of meeting since she lived with her parents. She might have got pregnant a few months later, but never made it. Said it got stuck in the tube, an never had any pictures to prove this. Don't know if I trust her on that. So she wanted to be married before it was born so we planned a quick wedding withing a year. After the miscarriage we still decided to follow through with wedding.


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## ScottH454 (Jun 3, 2012)

Still haven't heard back from her, wondering if it will help to talk with her. To hear that she is sure an want's to give up or she thinks she's doing this becuase I want it. She knew I was giving up an we talked about it so why just leave? We could have tried to seperate first then decide what to do together. Trying to find other posts of people with spouse left suddenly without a an explanation. See most with couples knowing it was coming.
Went back out to get sleeping pills, never tried them so gonna put them to the test.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> She knew I was giving up an we talked about it so why just leave?


Very easy. She proactively copes with the feeling of 'abandonment' by gaining the upper-hand in battles. She's taught herself to be one-step ahead of her partner in order to avoid getting abandoned (her worst fear).

To her, you're not trustworthy. No one is. So she has to make sure she has full control of every situation. 

I bet during your marriage she treated you like a child and was always a nag. She was never satisfied with you to the full extent and always made comments that targeted your deepest insecurities. She made you feel less of a man than you actually wanted to be.

She's done this 6 times in her life. 

Understand the kind of 'adult child' you're dealing with and avoid falling into the guilt traps that she has planted in your head. 

I know the feeling and am dealing with a very painful separation/divorce right now.


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## ScottH454 (Jun 3, 2012)

Strugggling to get out an go somewhere. Now the thought of going alone has got my stomach messed up. Thinking of going somewhere without her I cough ready to throw up. Having a hard time finding any divorce support around here, an can't afford counseling. Have one place down the street I'm gonna talk to for a start. Contemplating going to her work to find out if she had just left or gave them two weeks notice. They had over $100 disapear in the last couple weeks, think she may have taken it now an affraid they want me to repay.will it be easier to know this or not.Feels tougher not knowing what happened an her not getting back to me with her info to file. It does feel like she is controlling the situation. I'm in limbo until she get's intouch. Don't dare to start selling things off until I know I can.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Possession is 9/10th's of the law.

SELL, SELL, SELL


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## ScottH454 (Jun 3, 2012)

Can't believe how hard it is to find help in my area. Can't find any support groups for divorce, counslers I can't affourd but few handled divorce an ones I came to find where out of business. Came to the mall looked at books, nothing that is gonna help me. All I did was walk around an come right back out. Searched from my phone an it's lagging out not loading pages right, those not meant for mobile I guess. It's a yucky windy day so can't find the mood to work around the house.I couldn't stop at her work, thought I could call an ask for her to find out what I needed to know. I'm not religious an wouldn't be interested in faith help. Not into exercise so don't feel that could be for me. Can't afford to drive around with nowhere to go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScottH454 (Jun 3, 2012)

Got sommething to come up, meeting for wed at 7pm. One that I could do after work. An I think it's the same guy we went to for our one marrige counsling. How how I'd love to see him again. She had him splitting the blame an having him think I was at fualt. In one session he never got to hear it all. He didn't offer help other than when I worked so we could only go the one time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Unendinglove (Jun 3, 2012)

With you scott, try to get into a Church. Its easy advise to give but hard to follow.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

A WAW asking to come back and then a year later, the third year, wanting nothing from you but a divorce.... That could very well be an affair sign. 

Let me be the first to point out that the honeymoon ends after about a year or two, and then the boundaries stage comes into play where both of you argue but come to agreements on everything. Your wife left as soon as she had to put some work into the marriage. 

Matter of fact, she doesn't even realize that marriage gets better over time because she always quits. In all probability she must have planned her escape forever and would have been just looking for excuses to hate you.... Must have been the same for the other ex husbands too. 

Now I know you don't want to hear this, but you need to let her go and face the very likely probability of divorce. You need to agree with her and let her go anyways for any positive outcome, but this will save you the emotional hurt more than anything else. 

I don't want to fill you with false hope of reconciliation, even though it is possibly, simply because you are her sixth husband. That means she either married one man after another and then dropped him when things got tough or did something to else to avoid taking responsibility like cheating. 

Really what you need to focus on here is that she was looking for a way out and a better life once the honeymoon ended and things got tough. She dreamed of a perfect life that no one could possible give her. You didn't do anything to make her go, she found faults in a healthy relationship. You didn't beat her, cheat on her, drink and emotionally abuse her? Then it was a fairly healthy relationship, though codependent as it might be.

Since you have this dirt on her and are her sixth husband, I want you to use that bitter feeling to avoid her at all costs. Be the ex husband different from all the rest who won't enable her to keep calling you as she pleases or enticing you back only to turn cold. She broke your trust and you heart so now she will have to prove herself worthy of your attention and affection. Even if you don't think you'll hear from her ever again..... believe me you will!


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## ScottH454 (Jun 3, 2012)

Just found out she did give her two weeks notice at work. So she new an still lived with me atleast that long knowing her decision. Should help move towards the angry feelings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

There ya go! And just know life after divorce isn't going to be all that better for her, but it can be for you if you get help and take this time to better yourself more than ever.

Keep working on yourself no mater what, and if you find yourself in another relationship... work even harder to be the better option and do your relationship homework.


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## ScottH454 (Jun 3, 2012)

How's this for a good by letter. She'll probably call, but least I would have a reference:

Dear Suzanne,
Yes you hurt me an I was very angry when you left. I spent the next two days drinking till I passed out. Sunday I knew I had to work so I went to bed sober an spent the night waking up in cold sweats. Monday night I got some sleep aid an when rate to sleep through the whole night.

I was able to take the week off, this is same reason I took my last vacation remember? I know we had a long troubled marriage an it wasn't working. 
How you left was wrong way to handle it, you knew I was done giving you chances. All you had to do was admit you wanted to give up an we could have worked through the divorce together. I know you planned to leave for weeks before so you chose to use me in the end, you didn't give either of us a chance to say goodbye. You left the way you did because you wanted the control you wanted to hurt me. You did, but the hurt is quickly shifting to anger. Anger is letting me get through this. I don't want to do the same to you, but I have thought about us an I don't think I ever truly loved you. I think it was just the thought of being with someone an wanting the wife, kids, an family life. What I think you where after from me was for you to have kids. Either that or the infatuation with a new relationship, once that wore off an you had to work at it you couldn't take it. I've seen the dates of your past marriages, those aren't normal. The grieving of a loved one is longer than that. They all lasted about as long as we did, so no matter what I did for you, gave you, or loved you it wasn't gonna change your pattern.

I'm gonna learn from this, you've helped my grow up an make big changes in my life. I'm not gonna go back to who I was, I've had a taste of married life, know I will find someone else an just be a bit more cautious. I'm gonna miss you an hope to eventually focus on the good things we had an came from our time together.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

OH HELL NO!
This letter may seem like a good idea but it's only really going to have her lose respect for you and give her yet another reason to think she's better than you. You're playing the sympathy card and it's just not attractive. You won't even be able to get her on your side as a friend unless she respects you. You're best bet is to give her all the silence she can get and let her wonder why you've stopped trying to get her back.

Don't think you know what's best will work, because it won't! Follow through with the 180 and try to get some help for the alcohol problem.


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## ScottH454 (Jun 3, 2012)

ok thanks, don't know which way was gonna be easier. I'll work on letting go an no contact. but still waiting for her to give me contact info for the divorce to start.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Just wait it out and keep banging your head against that wall until you decide worrying about her isn't worth the headaches. Takes a couple weeks of crying yourself to sleep, but eventually this too shall pass. 

Now it is possible she will toy with you from time to time to see if you still want her and try to arrange a deal where she can come back if her plans for a better life don't work out. Don't fall for her bullsh!t!

Any time you're ready, go ahead and reach back up into your pelvis to pull your testes back out. Get back to your hobbies you had before her, exercise more, quit drinking, and make as many female friends as possible. NEVER complain about your ex to another woman you find sexually attractive!

This last part will take you a few months and you shouldn't even concern yourself with sex, but I promise you there are more women out there that will appreciate you and help take your mind off of your stbx quitter.

Give yourself a few months to heal but try to GTFO out of the house and do something you find enjoyable. If you can't bare to look a woman in the eyes or make small talk then so be it. I'm not telling you to cheat on your marriage but to enjoy the presence other women.

Still try to get out your shell and find other things to focus on. When you're home alone stay away all communication devices and find distractions that make you happy. There's this great new invention called an Xbox 360 that you can play games and watch Netflix on..... best part is now you can play it and not be nagged to death for it.

I've been divorced for a month now. She left me for an immature jerk, still hurts some..... But the best part about being divorced and having worked on bettering myself for so long is that every woman I talk is impressed that I had what it took to be a good husband and didn't let her sour me. 

Women absolutely love divorced good guys! Not wimps but interesting and challenging good guys who appreciate marriage. Now you're more in touch with you feelings, actually like changing yourself, will work hard on future relationships, and best yet.... YOU'RE ALREADY BROKEN IN! As far as I'm concerned WAW are the biggest idiots to toss away good men for liars, impressive jerks, and soul crushing disappointment.


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## ScottH454 (Jun 3, 2012)

Really struggling now with trying to throw out her plants she grew. I don't want them as a reminder, but can't. I hate to waste the pots an dirst so wanna just rip out the plants. I was gonna try planting my own that I pick out, some ferns she never wanted or let me have a fern. Gonna go search for how to change things to "mine" insted of thinking of it as "ours". Everthing we got was what I wanted, I always made the decision. So convincing my self everthing is mine, it was my choices, my styles, all she did was say yeah looks fine get it.

And thanks Nsweet, your helping.

Well halfway, stuck them outside out of site. Let'em die off on there own.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Nevermind the plants, you can give most away if they're in good condition. Or just plant them in a park or something.

You just told us part of the reason she left.... how can she have any say in the relationship if she can't make any of the decisions for you both. So she felt you were too controlling, that's at least something you can you can acknowledge and disarm her with. Maybe a codependency factor to it as well but admitting you were controlling is a good start towards hearing from her again.


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## ScottH454 (Jun 3, 2012)

Your right, I heard that before. I did see a few things I thought she picked out, but I'm not sure if she really did. If I didn't want it I would have argued or told her no until she founds something else, holy crap. I think I am codependent as well, before her I stayed in my studio apartment for 8 years only leaving to get groceries, even going at night to avoid people. When I meet her I wanted companionship so bad I was all for a fast relationship. I ended up giving up my hobbies an interests to give her anything I could afford. We spent every moment together an I needed her to be able to go out, an suffered anxiety when she had me go to the store by myself. Our one time with a MC told us we needed our own separate activities with people. We never got to do that, at least not me. I guess she did with going to her phone with friends through texting. I found morituri list an going through that, found the no more nice guy, almost bought the audio, but will try reading his linked one first.

Edit: I wondered if giving the plants away will be kinda keeping her alive inside knowing there still out there.


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## mule kick (Apr 10, 2012)

Sometimes a plant is just a plant.


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## ScottH454 (Jun 3, 2012)

Well these are african violets, my mother gave one to her. When it came time to repot it she broke the top off. So I told her you can take a leaf of an stick it in water an it'll regrow. Well came home an got a real luagh, she cut the stem up into itsy pieces an they where floating in the glass of water. We tried again with the one last leaf we had an she ended up growing three plants from that. So maybe some are, (keeping one plant), but these wern't just plants to me.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Brother, you sound a lot like I was.... The codependent "knight in shining armor" rescuing her from a troubled past and trying to fix her. The trouble is a lot of time codependent people marry other codependent people and act like magnets, either attracting each other or pushing them away.

I wanna take a shot in the dark and say one of you was so overly clingy that the other had to get mean to get some breathing room. A WAW who is codependent will put up years of feeling neglected and controlled because she doesn't want to harm the relationship until she builds up enough contempt to hate her husband and leave telling herself how she was the victim and he was just another jerk.

Problem with that is she never gave you the opportunity to help out because she felt she was completely in charge of the emotional side of the marriage. These types unfairly confide in everyone but the one person that can actually improve the marriage. She let's her toxic bitter friends tell her what to do, or confides in an AP and let's him/her tell her how they would be much better and fill her head with all kinds of "I would be so much better, if only" crap.

So one the important things on your to do list before you attempt to talk to her again is to apologize for being so controlling in your marriage. This will disarm her from hating you and take away the stick she beats you with, and you keep her defenses down by not chasing her.... basically agreeing with what she want's 100% with a smile on your face, unless she's asking for too great of a sacrifice.

Be careful with NMMNG, I read that book and found it to be a load of crap. Women marry nice guys and divorce wimps. Most wimps don't like that term so they use the guise of being nice guys and try to over compensate by being complete @$$holes thinking they finally found the answer to their problem. Your wife didn't leave because you were caring and compassionate, she left because you grew too comfortable with your controlling position in marriage and stopped being attractive, stopped hitting all her tick marks you did when you married. 

I believe nice guys enter marriage thinking they've got it made and can take a break while the wife carries they bulk load, and so they stop being so exciting and start finding more to b!tch about and dominate. If anything you should work even harder in a relationship to stay in shape, keep her attracted, and make time to court her as before. When you're divorcing and you want to reconcile, you have to work even harder than that to undo the damage that's been done and show her the man she fell in love with.

Now she may not want you and that's ok. Try to think of divorce as the break you needed to work on yourself and avoid any relationships until you're confident you've learned from your mistakes. You will see her again at some time in your life, it's up to you to either stay with the status quo or become better than you were years ago.... hopefully by then you'll have a few more sexually experiences under your belt and not feel the need to be with her as before. 

If you want to destroy the houseplants because it temporarily soothes the pain then go for it. But of the off chance you decide to forgive her and let go, you may want a reminder of all the good times you had and the houseplants she loved. BTW I read a R story on divorce busters where the stbxh kept the houseplants alive for about a year when she came back to see him one last time, and she said it touched her enough to give their marriage a second chance. Not trying to influence you to keep them if you really don't want to, but what's the harm is waiting a few weeks to see if you really do feel the need to destroy her in effigy.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

ScottH454 said:


> Well these are african violets, my mother gave one to her. When it came time to repot it she broke the top off. So I told her you can take a leaf of an stick it in water an it'll regrow. Well came home an got a real luagh, she cut the stem up into itsy pieces an they where floating in the glass of water. We tried again with the one last leaf we had an she ended up growing three plants from that. So maybe some are, (keeping one plant), but these wern't just plants to me.


Well there ya go! Your first hobby will be to keep her plants alive and maybe plant a garden. If you find house plants relaxing then get a cool bonsai tree or some hard to kill plants like air ferns. I know I can't wait to get some more carnivorous and restart the hydroponic gardens I had as a teenager.


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## ScottH454 (Jun 3, 2012)

hmm so your saying I should keep them then? I had just built her a raised garden bed an we planted stuff, I didn't feel the interest in keeping it alive, but yeah what a waste. Would this be to prove she didn't win in some way? was thinking about it that way before.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

There's no winning or losing, divorce isn't a game.

What keeping her plants alive proves is that you're not a vengeful jerk and can forgive her. Forgiveness is the gift you give yourself, so give it to yourself.


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## ScottH454 (Jun 3, 2012)

I'm willing to admit I was controlling. Now I'm blaming myself. What if it was what I did? I think it even started when we met an told her I didn't want to date a smoker, of course she lied about quitting. Do I just say oops, better luck next time? Will admitting it to her be okay?


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Dude stop thinking about what's okay and what's not. Stop thinking about her. She left you okay? SHE F***ING LEFT YOU. Keep saying that to yourself. Repeat after me:

"SHE LEFT ME. SHE F***ING LEFT ME".

That's the most hurtful, destructive, uncaring, cruel and c*nty thing anyone can do to their spouse (short of physical abuse). SHE LEFT YOU.

I know you miss her. I know you want her back. I know. I've been there. I'm probably still there, but don't forget

*SHE LEFT YOU*

How do you justify that? Let's say she comes back tonight and sleeps in your bed. Would you just forget about the fact that SHE LEFT YOU?


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

It's funny you should mention that. At first she says you're so assertive and exciting when you're dating, then you get married and you're a control freak, then you get divorced and were the biggest @$$hole in the universe. Honey, if you say I'm controlling then why do you always follow me around?

The first step in reconciliation as friends is apologizing for the problems she blames you for and admitting it's all you're fault. It isn't fair to take all the blame but you have to before she will ever consider opening herself to you again.

Try to use the very same words she used for you and keep it short and sweet. A multiple page apology isn't a sweet closure, it's just sad.


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