# Do you believe it possible to "fall in" unintentionally?



## me2pointoh (Jan 31, 2012)

I've been reading "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and she believed it is possible to fall into an EA/PA situation without realizing it. I have read on this forum some staunch objections to that possibility, as well. I am curious of your thoughts.

In my case, I believe my DH did _not_ intend to get too close (I believe I caught it just as it was beginning to turn into an EA although he did some things afterward to cause me to question his loyalty to me).


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

I just posted a question similar to this. Wow.


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

me2pointoh said:


> I've been reading "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and she believed it is possible to fall into an EA/PA situation without realizing it. I have read on this forum some staunch objections to that possibility, as well. I am curious of your thoughts.
> 
> In my case, I believe my DH did _not_ intend to get too close (I believe I caught it just as it was beginning to turn into an EA although he did some things afterward to cause me to question his loyalty to me).


I have had a similar experience. EA maybe,PA impossible.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Recanted.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I actually voted "other" and here's why:

I do believe that many do not "intend" to start an affair. There are many who have grown apart in their marriages, haven't put effort in, etc. and may even have expressed dissatisfaction, but they aren't thinking "Oh I think I'll have an affair today." 

BUT!!!!!!!

As an affair starts, there is a small line that they cross....like a little "in-office" flirting. They think "What's it going to hurt? It's fun. It feels good" (etc.) and justify crossing that little line. In fact, it's so little and the justifications for doing it come so naturally, that it may not even register as crossing the line! Our society offers us TONS of justifications all over the place: "You deserve better!" "You deserve to be happy" "You have to do what makes you feel good" and on and on. Thus, it may not entirely be enough to rattle a moral cage at first. 

Likewise, it may well be that the Other Person really PURSUES and hard. Maybe the Other Person has a history in the office of being with all the members of the opposite sex. Maybe the OP isn't aware they are married and thus goes all out. Whatever the reason, it's conceivable the OP really pursues. 

NONETHELESS the fact is that the disloyal person is an adult person. If they had high moral character the line would come up and they'd say "NO" and then go tell their spouse "I was highly tempted to cross a line today because things here at home are snoozie! I better put some effort in here and pull back together with my spouse." Unfortunately, people are rarely trained "how to be married" and when they first dated it was so natural that they thought being married would come just as naturally. 

So I say it's "other." Some fall into it accidentally, but they fall because they didn't take the time to learn how to be married and where their own weaknesses were so they could defend their marriage against the temptations. It is a married person's job to defend their spouse from every having to go through this, so a married person needs to be self-aware enough to know "I have a weakness for this...thus to defend my spouse I just can't do this."


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

It's hard to believe that people can fall without knowing.. everyone does the little flirty joking with people at work sometimes... but if you are committed to your spouse you know when to draw the line. 

If I have someone flirting,, or would text me, my first thought would go to my husband. How could you send texts, emails, dial someones number and talk many times a day, and your spouse not cross your mind. You would know it is wrong,, ( if you cared)..

But that's just my opinion...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I can see someone getting into an EA and not realizing what's going on for some time.


But a PA? Nope, at what point does a person not realize that they are naked and having sex?


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## WadeWilson (Jul 4, 2010)

I don't see it...
Nope...
I don't buy it...
Lust? Yea, lust for attention, lust for danger, lust for the rush...
There is no real love value, with a person you're having an affair with you are probably building a fake sense of love...
You're more than likely compare the positives of an affair partner to your spouse....
It's 80/20 to me... You forget about your spouse (being 80) and fall for that 20 that's missing yet found in a affair partner...


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## Anubis (Jul 12, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> I can see someone getting into an EA and not realizing what's going on for some time.
> 
> 
> But a PA? Nope, at what point does a person not realize that they are naked and having sex?


I concur. The road to EA often starts with normal human friendship and interaction (and a person can be especially susceptible if they have a partner who's cut them off leaving them starved for positive interaction from the opposite sex) At some unclear point on that journey though, they'll know something is up (twinges of guilt perhaps?).

As for a PA. Nope. Clear line there.

I have a few female friends with varying degrees of closeness. I will not let my current relationship prevent me from having them. In my marriage, my ex- would terrorize me if I so much as said "hello" to a female not on her very small 'approved' list. She repeated gave me sh*t for things that didn't happen more than a decade earlier. So no, I'm never going to let anything remotely happen like that again.

There is a flip side to my freedom with opposite sex friendship though, and it comes from and is driven by me. Three main things: 

1) I'm always vigilant for the signs of slipping into an EA. These forums have been helpful to me in identifying that. If I can't can't be totally comfortable with my fiance can't be walking right behind me while conversing with a female friend, then I got a problem that I need to fix. (ok, there was one exception to that -- the gal on the other end was helping me figure out/pick best source for the engagement ring I got my fiance - I think that merits a pass :rofl: ) 

2) Very high standards of transparency. I keep (and always have) my fiance fully informed about what is said, even if she's not around when it happens. Often it's more than she is interested in knowing, but she likes the window into what's going on in my world. My comfort level is in knowing that at any time there is nothing any third party (including the other female) could possible tell her about what's gone on between us that would surprise her. If I know something that could surprise her, then I am doing it wrong.

3) I have no problem saying "no thanks" when another woman wants to cross the line with me. No issues with clarity. I'm nice and pleasant with the letdowns, but sure and confident of where I will and will not go. It's nice being an age where the big brain rules (but the little one still has lots of energy  )


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

EA - yes. PA - no way


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Having had an EA here's my $.02 I think you can fall into an EA without it being planned or intended, but having said that every single step in that direction is a deliberate decision. So while someone involved in an EA may not have planned to end up there, they took every step that got them there. To me this is a different version of the debate of can it be a "mistake." IMO, yes it can be a mistake, but there is no way in hell it can be an accident. I know there was a point in my EA when I looked behind me and realized how emotionally involved I was with the OW that I literally said "WTF - how did I end up like this?!?!?"

As far as a PA - yeah - you can't confuse intercourse for anything else that I know of.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I feel that one can indeed fall into an unintended EA. Many people believe that it's not cheating if there's no sex. Therefore, they use the standard defenses when confronted:

"There's nothing going on"
"We're just friends"
"It's not like we slept together"
"We never even kissed"

Unfortunately, too many people in EAs take advantage of this type of thought.

But even those who sincerely believe that they're doing nothing wrong, and even those who truly never intended the affair, only see their mistake when it's too late; either they've truly fallen in love with the AP, or the EA has indeed turned PA, and the damage has already been done.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I believe that not only can people fall into an EA unintentionally ... I know I did ... but that many people are in an EA and do not realize it is an EA. I think it is very common. Not all EAs advance but many do. I do believe they reach a point where inappropriate becomes unfaithfull and where unfaithful becomes cheating. Having poor boundaries enables this sliding.

The problem is that the chemicals Oxytocin and Dopamine are addictive. You start to have needs met by another and you start meeting thier needs. You think it is just a close friendship ... it feels ok. By the time you realize you are busting through barriers you are in deep trouble. Just one more email. I will turn it around. But until one goes through withdrawal the bond is there. 

Some folks have some very very close opposite sex friends they are effectively dating. Maybe some can really handle this but I think many if not most are in an EA. 

It starts very innocently. Just be especially glad to see someone when you get to work. How nice it is to work with them. You start to miss them. Others see this for what it is but usually one is in just indenial.

Now I agree once its gets to sending naked pictures or having physical contact then yeah hat is hard to deny. 

But yeah, I think most EAs are unintentional.

I got better boundaries.


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## me2pointoh (Jan 31, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> Having had an EA here's my $.02 I think you can fall into an EA without it being planned or intended, but having said that every single step in that direction is a deliberate decision. So while someone involved in an EA may not have planned to end up there, they took every step that got them there. To me this is a different version of the debate of can it be a "mistake." IMO, yes it can be a mistake, but there is no way in hell it can be an accident. I know there was a point in my EA when I looked behind me and realized how emotionally involved I was with the OW that I literally said "WTF - how did I end up like this?!?!?"


I think this is an excellent point. A person may not have realized what was going on, but they certainly made conscious choices.


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## me2pointoh (Jan 31, 2012)

Affaircare said:


> they aren't thinking "Oh I think I'll have an affair today."


I actually had to tell my DH this exact thing.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

EAs are like drugs...

...and no one ever said "I think that I want to become hopelessly addicted, destroy my life and my loved ones lives, and become a broken, used-up shell of a human being. Yeah-that's what my ambition is."


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## aaroncj (Nov 10, 2011)

Like others, I think with an EA--absolutely you can be in deep before you realize it. I believe this is especially true for EAs based on rekindled relationships from the past where old feelings can come up on you like a big wave that you didn't see coming. At some point, however, the decision to keep the EA going and maintain its secrecy requires a more conscious effort on the affair partners' part. They know they've crossed lines even if they have technically not committed adultery. For some there is guilt though that guilt is easily swept aside by the rush of emotions from the EA. By the time it progresses to a PA they are either in denial or have made other rationalizations to justify why they "deserve" the affair.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> EA - yes. PA - no way


:iagree: so I voted Yes even though it's a dual answer.


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## me2pointoh (Jan 31, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> I believe that not only can people fall into an EA unintentionally ... I know I did ... but that many people are in an EA and do not realize it is an EA. I think it is very common. Not all EAs advance but many do. I do believe they reach a point where inappropriate becomes unfaithfull and where unfaithful becomes cheating. Having poor boundaries enables this sliding.
> 
> The problem is that the chemicals Oxytocin and Dopamine are addictive. You start to have needs met by another and you start meeting thier needs. You think it is just a close friendship ... it feels ok. By the time you realize you are busting through barriers you are in deep trouble. Just one more email. I will turn it around. But until one goes through withdrawal the bond is there.
> 
> ...


:iagree:From my perspective as a BS, _as far as I know_, this explains my situation very well.

It's that _as far as I know_ part that eats at me.


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