# Is it too late for me?



## [email protected] (Jan 3, 2012)

My wife and I have been together for about seven years, and at the beginning of our relationship I was a drunk, fairly angry and nasty person. Some years and two daughters later, we are still married, and I am a much happier and sorted individual. My wife says that although I am now a nice person to live with and she is glad I turned myself around, the damage done at the beginning of our relationship means she now loves me "more like a brother" than a lover, and does not have any sexual feelings towards me now, although she states that she still misses sex. I still find my wife sexually attractive, and cannot envisage being just good friends with her for the rest of my life, I would go mad with the frustration of it all. I want to turn it around , bit don't know how. Is it too late? My wife is 42 and I am 45.......


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

There is something else going on.
If she loved you enough to stay by your side when you were a nasty drunk, she should be ecstatic that the man she loved turned himself around.
There is more to this...


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## [email protected] (Jan 3, 2012)

Thanks for the reply, although I don't know whether or not I am more worried now or less! I know my wife would of left me years ago, but I sold my house to pay hers off and then moved in with her, so we had all our financial affairs tied, knowing that either of us could not afford to start again after the huge rise in property values that happened after we moved in together, and I think that was a salient reason why she put up with it then......


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## anitagrace2 (Dec 28, 2011)

i think you should give your time to your wife i hope she will........


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## [email protected] (Jan 3, 2012)

I devote myself to my Wife and kids now, I know I will never be perfect, but I am trying soooo hard, just hope things will change, but thanks for the encouragement anitagrace2.....


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

Maybe you have shifted too far into the "nice" spectrum.

While you may have been a drunk, mean, nasty person, you also had other qualities she needed. If you were of no value she would have left.

Now, you have reformed your negative behaviors. In the transformation you may also have given up some positive, masculine traits.

Guilt, shame and embarrassment are also factors when you leave a broken life in your past. Nobody gets to just walk away and forget those they hurt and what they did. Go talk to someone, possibly an addiction specialist, and get your feelings sorted out.

Remember that "nice" and "devoted" are not the opposite of mean and drunk. Strong, confident and honest are.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

First, rule out another man. She may not be interested in you because another man is taking care of her. Check phone records, email, Facebook, and credit cards for evidence of this.

If you've ruled that out, then I agree with Mistys dad. You may have gone from total alpha jerk to total beta wimp. You need a balance. You should be a safe alpha, or a beta with an edge. Whatever.

Focus on yourself outside of your family. Provide for their needs, and then use the leftover time for an interesting hobby. Hopefully, something like that can recapture her interest.

Good luck.


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## [email protected] (Jan 3, 2012)

I can pretty much rule out another man, for the same reason I don't have any hobbies...TIME...or lack of it, both my wife and I work long hours, I often do 11 to sometimes 12 hours in a day with overtime, then kids to bed etc. and then it is back to work, that only leaves weekends, which are primarily taken up with doing all the things we have not got done during the week! Also, she has just taken me along to her works xmas do, which i doubt she would of done if an affair at work was happening?
And don't worry about the beta wimp thing happening, although i have turned my self around, i have not turned into some spineless jerk with a thumb print on top of my head, I have managed to turn myself around because I am mentally strong, but recapturing her interest is a good shout, just need to find the time.

Thanks


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

The body has a memory. It's very deeply embedded. Your W is being honest. She seems to be fairly in tune with herself, and that's a good thing. Plus she did not divorce you and admits that you are now different. It doesn't appear to ME (having been married to someone like your former self) that she is willfully withholding from you rather honoring herself and making sure she doesn't do something that she is not 'into', as this can certainly cause problems of its own. Have the two of you considered sex therapy? How does she relate to you otherwise? Are you living in the same place? Are there activities (not sexual, just like, activities or hobbies or habits) that the both of you engaged in while you were recovering from the bad times, that you used to establish safe space, that are now providing TOO MUCH of an insulating barrier? Maybe those need to be thinned out a bit. Yes, the work sounds like a lot, is it possible the both of you understandably upped your hours in order to hedge against the possibility of going it alone? I can see the wisdom in that, but now the extra financial security / financial independence has a bigger price. I think maybe looking at all of your routines and 'have to do's' and figuring out which contribute to your values system and which don't, and 'decluttering' to free up time. 

I would say there is always hope, it might not be the way you imagine it but regardless of how your wife might contribute, you need to make the adjustments to bring more of your energy to the household. Yup, work hours are an issue. 11 or 12 hours a day is extreme. Admirable, but there are always ways to reduce expenses and cut work time. Your priorities as an individual are separate than your wife's. You can choose to make more time even if she doesn't. If she is truly off-board, you will have established 'good guy' habits of achieving balance of work and relationships, and as you age towards retirement, these habits most certainly give hope for a close relationship. If that's not what your wife wants, you'll find out soon enough. Probably fear has kept you from making time available, without the excuse of work, you don't have to find out if availability is the issue, or if it's something else. :-(

Oh, if you could manage to stay employed while being drunk and nasty, I don't think cutting back hours will affect the quality of your work. I think you must be brilliant and resourceful and have gained various ways of efficiency to have managed to build such a life that was so resilient that it could hold together under such conditions. :-o


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## [email protected] (Jan 3, 2012)

Whew, that is a lot of stuff to digest, but there is a lot of sense in there methinks. As for sex therapy, no , we have not tried that as therapists seem to cost a lot more than we can afford, so unless there are FREE relationship counsellors somewhere, I feel that we are going to have to go it alone (with the help of people like yourself of course). Yes, we do live in the same house, and share the same bed, where she is not averse to putting her arm around me when she goes to sleep. There are no "safe zone" activities that are too insulating that I can think of, and the hours we work are because both my wife and I are in Managerial positions that require a lot of our input.
We don't do almost anything that adds to our "values system", I don't even think we have one! Maybe I should look at that, on reflection we don't and have not for a long while spent quality time together. And I certainly have not shied away from confronting the real truth of her feelings toward me, as I am the one who pushed her to open up to me in the first place (Hence why I am brainstorming with you to find out some answers, which I feel I am getting).
And yes, I have managed to stay employed, and even been promoted whilst with my Wife, so work has never been an issue, other than for nine months when I stayed at home to care for our two daughters full time when nursery fees became too expensive.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hey [email protected] ~

Congratulations on your sobriety. Do you and/or your wife attend any support groups for people dealing with alcohol abuse (AA, Al-Anon, SMART Recovery)?

Because, alcohol abuse leaves a dysfunctional imprint, if you will, that requires new ways of thinking and interacting once that cycle is broken.

As such, a spouse of someone who is recovering (and they are constantly recovering - not ever recovered, you know?) may have a lot of leeriness in attempting being close in order to protect themselves. Could your wife be in thay kind of boat?

I think if you two are not in to any kind of counseling, or a support program for those dealing with prior alcohol abuse, you may want to consider that, and see if you can learn how to move forward together.

Best wishes.


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## [email protected] (Jan 3, 2012)

Hey Enchantment,

Thanks for taking time out to get involved.
In answer to your question, no, I/we do not attend any groups. I still drink, but I now have got a handle on it, I don't get "smashed" which is when I lose control, and when I lose control I don't mean I beat my Wife, but I can get argumentative, moody and threatening with a tendency to socially embarass her, which in some ways is just as hard to live with.
I quit smoking almost exactly a year ago, no patches, no help, just stopped dead. From the moment I decided to quit I have not had one puff of smoke since, that is the willpower I can exercise. I have put that same willpower to use over my drinking and aggressive behaviour. I have simply reigned myself in, I could do it some more, and am continuing to improve, but will be a well adjusted member of society if it kills me!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There is a way to rebuild a marriage and her feelings for you. Take a look at the links in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. They can really help rebuild what is lost.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Sometimes people don't appreciate their spouses until a marriage shaking event like an affair or a separation occurs, then the LD spouse gets religion but by then it usually too little too late.


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