# Emotional Affair/Maybe Physical? (sorry long)



## md250r (Sep 8, 2008)

My wife and I have been having problems for some time, but it all started coming out about two months ago. I have posted about this in Speration section under New and Lost. Anyway She is working on a Masters degree and I work full time. As a result she is surrounded by college students all day that are single and living the party life while we area little older and have a two year old son. After we spoke about the fact that been growing apart(she would go out with friends after getting our son in bed while I tried to rest after working) I checked our phone bill eanf ound that she had been talking to a male classmate very often and many time like at night for extened periods of time. I confronted her about this and she explained that she and him are goods friends with lots of things in common and that she has had some kinds of feelings for him but hasn't acted on them. I was very upset when we talked bout this and she promised me that there was no physical contact between them. SHe has another male friend that I am close too also that she talks to very often and I have never really had an issue with him, because I know him well and know his intentions. When my wife and I have talked about this she says she has been detached from our relationship for at least a year and that she talks to our mutual friend as a way to relax and get her mind away from us which I understand completely. However, she never mentions the other guy and I would have never known she was talking to him if I had not seen the phone bill and asked her myself. She said she didn't tell me about alking to him because she was afraid she would hurt my feelings even more than she already has. Bacically I don't know where to go from here. She hasn't mentioned this other guy since I confronted her about it, and he is some that she is going to be around because of school reguardless. I have not mentioned him either, but it keeps bothering me and I don't know whether to just come out and tell her what I feel about it, or if that will just push her further away. I have been working like mad to correct the the things that have pushed us apart, but she keeps saying that her feelings have changed a long time ago and she know at this point if they will ever changed back( you know the "I love you but I am not In Love with you speach) I know enough about this guy to know that he would definately take advantage of her if she gave him the chance, and I think she is wanting excitement in her life and she sees him as interesting and new( even though she knows he is not who she would want to spend her life with). I just don't know if I should leave her alone to try work this out on her own or if I should try to at least tell her my perspective on the situation.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

This is an emotional affair and she is playing with fire. She has admitted she has feelings for him and has lost feelings for you. Do the math. This can only go south for you if you don’t intervene. She need to address the problems in the marriage and discontinue contact with him. Sitting back and hoping this will all work out is a poor plan of action. The two of you need to start to communicate about your marriage. This is definitely an emotional affair and will escalate if you don’t act. Good luck.


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## Brian (Sep 10, 2008)

Confront her. I had a similar thing happen to me, I found out that my wife was having a emotional affair with a couple kisses (thats what she said) about 4 years ago. She said it was over but there was no way she could not see him because of there circumstances. Guaranteed it was over numerous times, but I was never sure (she kept talking to him on the phone occaionally and not telling me). I didn't want to bring it up for fear of pushing her away and towards him. But then 6 months ago she admitted that they had been having a affair off and on for the last 4 years. We are working through it but it is tough. Easier to confront it now rather than wonder for years like I did every time she isn't home or is late getting home. Plus you lose all that time of being together and happy or single and happy.


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## md250r (Sep 8, 2008)

thank you guys, this is what I have been thinking, but it is good the hear the voice of experience. I am going to try and talk to her tonight and just let her know my feelings bout the situation and try to tell her in a loving way that she needs to avoid this guy like the plague. I will try to approach it from the angle that this is what she needs to do in order to help her decide what she really wants. Let me know if this sounds like a good plan.


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## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

yes, she should definitely cut off all communication with this guy if she wants to work on the marriage. tell her that there is no way a marriage can work as long as there is a 3rd person in it. don't beat around the bush when it comes to your feelings! whatever you are feeling, you have to let her know! otherwise, how can she make an informed decision about her feelings. she needs to know how much this hurts you & that this isn't trial & error. it's committment! all in all, stand up for yourself & know that it's ok to feel however you feel! good luck! i know it's probably one of the toughest things to deal with, but like brian said, better to deal with it now before it does go too far!


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## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

Yes, I agree with the others. Be gentle but direct with her and tell her this has to stop..nip it in the bud right now. Tell her you want to turn the marriage around and will do whatever it takes, and she is the most important thing in the world to you but she has to stop this behavior and cut off any contact..and change classes. If she sees him every day it won't end it.

Good luck!


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## md250r (Sep 8, 2008)

We talked last night(really I talked while she listened) and I explained to her the way it made me feel when she talks to this other guy and I also spent a lot of time telling her how her relationship with this guy is hindering her thought process and preventing her from seeing clearly what she wants. I took the standpoint that by her cutting off communication with him that it would help her and that if her was a true friend and she told him why she needed to seperate herself from him that he would understand. I also tried to draw some comparisons between this guy and the mutual male friend that we have, saying that in a moment of weakness this other guy would take advantage of the situation while the other guy(our friend) would stop immediately and try to help her find out what the real problem is. She didn't really talk at all and seemed to de agreeing with what i was saying, but I really can't tell what is going on in her head. I felt better after telling her my views without getting upset, but I am feeling uneasy now because of her lack of reponse or comment. Is she thinking about what I said or is she just biding time waiting on me to give up?


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## savemymarriagenow (Sep 11, 2008)

Wow it sounds like you're going through a lot and I am so sorry about that. It sounds like you guys could definitely use help... But the thing about marriage counselors is that so many of them just want you to sit there and talk about all your past problems and you feel targeted during sessions. And even if you do accomplish anything, its usually how to "communicate effectively" which only makes you better roommates - NOT better spouses... I read a few articles about an ALTERNATIVE to marriage counseling at Marriage Fitness - Mort Fertel and they were so much more helpful because instead of dealing with all of your problems, it deals with how to move forward. They were soooo helpful! Good luck with everything!


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## md250r (Sep 8, 2008)

Have you actually tried his program? I have seen it everywhere and signed up for free e-mails and they make his program sound very good. We have been going to a counselor for the past 6 weeks and it is just like you said, we end up talking about the same things over and over, and it feels like if any of those wounds had started to heal, we end up opening them right back up. I am willing to try anything, but there are so many out there trying to take advantage of people that are hurting I was hesitant to try.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Have you spoken to your counseler about the emotional affair?


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## md250r (Sep 8, 2008)

Since the intial confrontation about it several weeks ago, I think we have both avoided the subject until I talked to her last night. I mentioned it to the counselor, but really got no reponse from her other than an explination of why the EA started in the first place, which I already knew. I think our conversation last night was good for my wife in that she has some things to think about. I just feel like I can't demand she stop all contact with this guy or it will push her to him.


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## Brian (Sep 10, 2008)

md250r said:


> . I just feel like I can't demand she stop all contact with this guy or it will push her to him.


I made that mistake after initially asking her to cut all contact after I realized she wouldn't do it. If she is not willing to cut off all contact the chances of it not escalating are slim, at least in my opinion and personal experience.


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## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

md250r said:


> I just feel like I can't demand she stop all contact with this guy or it will push her to him.


don't make that mistake. you deserve your happiness. just tell her whether or not it's a deal breaker for you if she does not cut off all contact. make sure you know exactly what your position is before you make this demand. that way, you can feel confident no matter what the outcome. you need to tell her that complete & brutal honesty is what is needed from her.

also, i did purchase just the audio cds from marriage fitness. i figured i'd try that first & go from there. i'm only about 10 minutes in but will let everyone know with a post sometime how it's going. my husband is actually going to listen to them with me. it was one of those things i kinda said i needed him to do. he said no problem. good luck! sending strength your way!


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## md250r (Sep 8, 2008)

I understand what you are saying, but this is not a deal breaker for me and I have resolved with myself that I don't need her to be happy. My real motivation behind her not talking to this guy is to help her see what she really wants. I really beleive that giving her an ultimatum would be the wrong thing to do at this point. She would feel like I am trying to make decisions for her when this is something that she has to deal with herself. I know it would make me feel better in the short term to say if you you don't stop talking to this guy I am through, but isn't that also saying that I love you, but only if you do what I want you to? I love her no matter what she does and how shes feels about me and I think that when and if she ever realizes that, she will be able to decide on her own what it is she really wants, for the right reasons and not because she was forced to make aquick decision based on fear.


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## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

as long as you know what you can & can't take, then seems like you will be fine, but from your original post, you went out of your way to say how much this hurts you. just don't let your fear of losing her stand in your way of standing up for yourself! i know you are concerned for her at this point but you have to be totally honest with her. just keep talking to her. don't let things fester. it will eat you alive. i do give you credit if you are able to stand back & let her make a decision about this on her own without your interference but just remember that your marriage is a partnership. you are supposed to work as a team to conquer your problems. good luck!


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## md250r (Sep 8, 2008)

I do feel as though I have said all I can say to her and I know she understands how I feel. That just seems like all I can do at this time. I beleive I will ask her from time to time if she has cut ties with him, but I feel like I am walking a tightrope between trying to keep myself sane and not making the situation worse.


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## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

that's called "walking on egg shells" & that isn't fair to you. just remember to keep the lines of communication open or you will build up resentment for everything you are holding inside! good luck!


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## md250r (Sep 8, 2008)

I have definately been "walking on eggshells" for the past few weeks, but the more I look to God the more strength and encouragement I get. I have been working realy hard at doing the things for her that I haven't for so long. Not only does it feel good to help and to have chores not piling up, put she has been more open just to talk about whatever. For now I can just keep trusting God that he will direct my actions, and really the resentment that I did have is going away.


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## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

it sounds like you really have yourself on a good path. maybe i should take some direction from you. how do you get past your anger? i can go for days & be ok but then out of the blue, the anger creeps back into my thoughts. i've still got a lot to figure out! good luck!


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## md250r (Sep 8, 2008)

For me, understanding is the key to not just controling, but nearly eliminating anger. Because I now understand the emotions and my actions that caused her to feel this way, I have no reason to be angry with her. SHe was simply looking for something she needed that I was not providing. Anger is nearly always a result of ignorance(please don't take that the wrong way). By that I mean that you often get angry with things, people, situations that are unfamiliar. It is when you can move past the anger and find out the cause of a situation that the fear of unknowing is gone and therefore so is the anger. I don't know for sure because this is all new to me also, but the whole reason we are where we are is because of a lack of understanding for what our husbands and wifes needed. Many say communication is the key, and I think it is very important, but you can commincate all day long with a physicist and still not understand one word that they said. The key is finding a way to communicate, be it through words, actions, reading on your own, or talking to a counselor that allows you to understand each others needs and then having a willingness to try and fulfill those needs. These actions are what love is. You have to think of love as a verb (something you do) instead of just an emotion that you feel.


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## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

don't worry, i did not take offense to what you said. i understand fully what you meant. i think that is why i still have anger. i still don't fully understand why it happened in my case. he doesn't fully understand either, but maybe this is just another step in the learning process of life!? hope things turn out great for you. good luck & keep us posted!


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