# Advice needed on coping with separation



## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

*Can anyone with experience of a eparation of this kind please give me advice!!?

*We have been married for 16 years. We had a separation for 2 years about 12 yrs ago. He had an affair lasting around 6 months but the rest of that time we were working at getting back together.

We have had our fair share of ups and downs, the last 2 years in particular. Last October after a big disappointment my husband became depressed. There are many contributing factors, but I know him well and thought it must have something to do with me. 

Eventually in Feb he admitted he did not feel the same way towards me. Said we had changed each other due to things we have gone through. He no longer likes the person I have become, and does not know himself . He agreed we should try to work it out, but I think I have put most of the effort in as I feel he checked out long ago. I finally gave him a nudge last Friday to tell me what he wanted to do, as I have felt so lonely. He said he honestly did not think he would ever change his feelings, and we have agreed that he will move out. I was expecting to feel relieved, but that feeling soon went!

I think he is right. I know I will be ok in the long run. However I still love him so much, he has never lost that 'sparkle' for me. He does still find me physically attractive, but cannot accept the changes in personality. If he feels he cannot live with me I do not want to argue it. We only get one life and you can't live it for somebody else.

However since that decision was reached we have talked more and he seems so much happier, and warmer towards me. Also towards our daughter who is16 who he has also shut down on, as indeed with everyone really. He feels happy with the decision, even though he had thought he was not ready to make it. I guess partly relief. He still would like this to work out with us. There are things he needs to do to sort himself out first, and I know that. He cannot promise anything and has not asked me to wait around.

The plan is he will find a room close by, so he can still be involved in our house, which for the time being he is hoping to be able to allow me to keep. He will be within easy distance for our daughter. We live near the coast and have a dog, so he imagines being lonely on his own, and will be able to do nice walks etc.

He is not taking off ring, is still married, not looking for anybody else. Hopes to enjoy doing some things with me, but as he said won’t be around every 5 mins. I also made it clear that I need some meeting on my terms not just when he has nothing better to do.

I just feel cheated right now, as I think we could do this with him still here. Also the finances are gonna be really bad, and we have not finalised that yet. I am afraid if it is not viable he will again feel trapped. One minute at the moment I feel really happy as there is a visible shift and genuine warmth. The next I become angry that this did not happen before and feel he has not given us a chance. I have just been made redundant, this could not be a worse time for me. It is hard to be positive. Keep waking in the night with anxiety attacks.

Although I really want to hope this turns out well, I just think that if he is happy and I am happy will we ever get back together? Last time it took 2 years.


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## gypsygirl (Apr 6, 2011)

I could have been reading my own story there, and a lot of what you have written applies to me too. However, I am a little further down the road than you...I decided to apply for divorce and have not regretted it.

Firstly, you do not need him, you may think you do but you don't. You are strong enough to stand on your own. I had a lot of help from a very good friend and she made me do the following.....

Put all emotional feelings aside for the time being, hard I know but you CAN do it.

1, ask yourself what YOU want in a relationship. what you need to be provided with.

2, ask yourself what of that list he has provided you with, but you need to be honest with yourself.

3, then ask yourself if you really think he can change, don't as him, but decide of your own wether he can be the man you want him to be.

Unfortunately for me the answers came out very poor. You need to be selfish right now, and decide what is best you for....not your Husband, Not even your daughter, but YOU!!!!

I was told by a manager many years ago, as advice for something that was going on in my life at the time. You have to think like a first aider, you have to put yourself first before you can look after anyone else.

Not sure if this has helped or not, but i know it helped me.


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

Thankyou Gypsygirl, it is nice to know someone has felt like me (though obviously there are millions of us!). Your advice is sound, and makes sense, it's just so hard not to hope, when you see 'the old husband' come back to you. For and against lists are often the ways I solve my dilemmas. but it's so hard. I also don't know should I appear happy now, or sad or just how I feel. I don't want to make the atmosphere horrible, as no date for leaving yet.

I have considerably put difficulties in the way of my husband doing certain activities, one of them being joining the Territorial Army, due to the fact that you are guaranteed active service within 3 yrs of joiningnow. I did not think it appropriate when our daughter and my sons were young.

My husband came out of the Armyafter his initial training and has always regreted it. He has been involved with The Army Cadet Force all his life. After much discusson with friends, I came to the conclusion it was not right to hold him back and told him this 7 months ago. I want him to do what he wants now, and I want him to be proud. He has told me his self esteem on the floor at the moment.

He will do this when he leaves. I think this will be a problem as I wanted to besupportive in this with him, to show love and canges towards him. If he does it on his own, I think I may not want him back anyway.

All I want to do today is cry, but I am running around all over the place doing a bit of training here and there, a bit of work for a pittance, and no real time to lick my wounds. Feel real sorry for myself-must get over it.


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## 30yrslost (Apr 9, 2011)

My H is moving out this week. Once he decided to go through with this, he is all of a sudden acting more like himself. He has been remote, removed and very uncaring for months. He even thought I would want to see his apartment. He seemed hurt when I got upset. I told him that it had nothing to do with me and this is his life now. I too do not know how to act anymore, which is so strange as we have been married for 30 years. I wish you the best. I think the advise of gypsygirl makes a lot of sense, and I am going think about that.


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

I am sorry to hear of your situation 30yrslost, but helpful to hear that someone else feels like me.

I have considered what gypsygirl said. I am no longer talking about us as in stopping the separation. He is the man I want and I do think he can be that, and that I have needed to make changes too and can.

I have been separated from him before, and during that time we were very respectful to each others needs, as you should be in a situation like that. However it changes when you are again a couple sometimes. That is why I want us to experience those changes over time, to know they are real.

I can't see him going just yet due to finances, but this too worries me, as the situation may again begin to deteriorate, and him sink into gloom again.

Yesterday on way back form work at my request he picked up the shopping until Tues, so this included the meal planning. cooked the dinner, cleared up (I did offer). He bought me a magazine, something to drink, and a film for my daughter and me to watch. Since he has been unhappy, we have film and chocolate days. This is normal behaviour for him, and he has only just come back to me, and now has one foot out the door!

He is also going out a bit more, which he has not done, as not had the enrgy or inclanation. Still sleeping on the settee. 

Please let me know how things go with you 30yrslost, it will be interesting to hear.


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