# Scumbag?!?



## Mary1214 (Mar 19, 2013)

Hi Everyone,
I would just appreciate some feedback about my current situation with my husband. We have been married for 3 years and together for 11. My husband cheated in the beginning of out relationship, and I told him that the only way I would get back together with him is if we had "transparency" and counseling. He agreed and we pretty much worked everything out, which is why we ended up getting married. However, I just recently saw an email that he sent to some girl that really alarmed me. He sent her a pic of him and I (which I don't understand why he would send a pic with me in it) at a cool event and told her that he is respecting her text ban, but he thought she would be proud of him. He asked her to "break the silence" and be excited for him. He later forwards her some other article about getting into med school which she was apparently trying to do. Someone responded to that email for her telling him to stop contacting her because she doesn't want to communicate with him. They told him to "cut the crap" and that the past is the past and he should leave it there. He also said that if my husband contacts her again he would find him in person and not be so understanding. I later found out that she is in her early 20s and beautiful (and he is almost 40). My gut is telling me to run, but does this have "AFFAIR" written all over it?

I appreciate the input from everyone. There is a little more to the story...About 2 years ago he got caught lying to me about deleted message on his phone. The messages were to a friend of his and apparently were about going to a strip club. He said they were making plans to go to a strip club but never ended up going, so he deleted the messages so I wouldn't be upset about him going. However, we do have an agreement that if he goes to a strip club he will be honest and tell me, and I won't be upset. And, he has been to strip clubs (for bachelor parties and whatnot), and I haven't gotten upset. 

If he really deleted the messages because he was making plans to go, but didn't end up going, I can understand that. What I can't understand is how he reacted to me finding out he deleted all these texts. He told me to get the f out and leave my effing key. Then, the next day he told me that he put a passcode on his phone, changed all his passwords including the accounts we share (credit card & phone) and that there would be no more "transparency". I thought he was just upset that I had looked at his phone and was acting out, and it would eventually blow over. Here we are over two years later in the same situation despite how many times I've told him how unhappy I am about the whole situation. His response was "so what, I effing lied and you need to get the f over it". Combine that with all of the other classic cheater signs (lost a bunch of weight, new hip wardrobe, new manscaping, wearing cologne all the time when he never used to) and I pretty much have my answer. I really want the hard evidence though. I plan on getting in touch with this girl in the near future and seeing if she will confirm my suspicions. It just makes me sick to my stomach that the person that I love so much could go behind my back and feel like he needs to get something that he must not be getting in our marriage from another woman. He is totally narcissistic and I can pretty much be sure that he will never admit to anything, try to make me feel like I am crazy, and certainly not apologize. I have some things going on in my life right now that make it so I can't confront him yet, but in a few weeks I have a feeling that shiz is going to hit the fan and I'm really not looking forward to it. I'm sure many of you have been through similar situations and I appreciate everyones advice.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mary1214 said:


> Hi Everyone,
> I would just appreciate some feedback about my current situation with my husband. We have been married for 3 years and together for 11. My husband cheated in the beginning of out relationship, and I told him that the only way I would get back together with him is if we had "transparency" and counseling. He agreed and we pretty much worked everything out, which is why we ended up getting married. However, I just recently saw an email that he sent to some girl that really alarmed me. He sent her a pic of him and I (which I don't understand why he would send a pic with me in it) at a cool event and told her that he is respecting her text ban, but he thought she would be proud of him. He asked her to "break the silence" and be excited for him. He later forwards her some other article about getting into med school which she was apparently trying to do. Someone responded to that email for her telling him to stop contacting her because she doesn't want to communicate with him. They told him to "cut the crap" and that the past is the past and he should leave it there. He also said that if my husband contacts her again he would find him in person and not be so understanding. I later found out that she is in her early 20s and beautiful (and he is almost 40). My gut is telling me to run, but does this have "AFFAIR" written all over it?


Possible. Or trying to re-kindle a previous affair?

Polygraph him.


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## ShyEnglishman (Aug 23, 2013)

Mary1214 said:


> but does this have "AFFAIR" written all over it?


Erm, not to me no. It says something more like 'harrassment'. Sorry.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Mary

Respond to the person that sent the warning email and find out the details.

Do it discreetly without your H's knowledge.

Get the truth.

HM


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## RoninJedi (Jun 22, 2013)

I don't know for sure it sounds like an affair, but pretty close. With the email exchanges you mentioned, my gut tells me chances are this was a situation where your husband was fishing for an affair (perhaps "mid-life crisis" material...and I use that term loosely as I'm not a big believer in it) but it was not reciprocated - which got the girl's husband/boyfriend involved.

I don't know for sure, but this feels very much to me like a scenario where your husband is the only one with plans/aspirations.

To me, if I can be totally blunt, this sounds like your husband is trying to call out for this girl's attention in a desperate (read "pathetic") attempt to incite some sort of reaction from her which he pitifully thinks may eventually lead to something more (again, possibly due to how he's feeling about "getting up there in years").

I'm no expert, and obviously I'm not a prophet, but that's the feeling I get. But even if I'm right and it's completely one-sided, he needs to be confronted with this and it needs to stop. He's either going to be faithful to you or he's not. There is no in-between. 

I would suggest speaking with a counselor yesterday. No matter which way this goes, you are going to need some help moving forward - and you both will if your marriage is to continue.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Mary1214 said:


> Someone responded to that email for her telling him to stop contacting her because she doesn't want to communicate with him. They told him to "cut the crap" and that the past is the past and he should leave it there.


I agree with MM. Sounds like a affair partner, probably met on line, that broke it off with him. When you have to recruit someone else to deal with your pursuer, its harassment. His ego won't just let it go and at best, he trying to show her he's got other things in his life. Like the old phrase, "go ahead and break up with me; there are plenty of other fish in the sea." You may have a man that can't be satisfied with one woman.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ShyEnglishman said:


> Erm, not to me know. It says something more like 'harrassment'. Sorry.


This quote makes me think a previous affair:


> They told him to "cut the crap" and *that the past is the past and he should leave it there*.


Which has become harassment, as you rightly surmised.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Mary1214 said:


> the past is the past and he should leave it there.


Something happened between them. I doubt he is pursuing her without having ever received some encouragement from her. But whatever it was, no doubt she is trying to end it and he is still pursuing.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Yes, scumbag.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Mary1214 said:


> ......*told her that he is respecting her text ban, but he thought she would be proud of him. He asked her to "break the silence" and be excited for him*......* Someone responded to that email for her telling him to stop contacting her because she doesn't want to communicate with him*


Sounds to me like he had an affair of some type with this woman, maybe just an EA - sharing the "struggles" in his relationship and telling her how he was the good guy with the difficult SO but was trying to make it work. Now he wants her to be proud of him for "doing the right thing" and sticking with you. Pretty classic cheater-speak for "feel sorry for me since I'm a good guy and let me in your panties."

It also sounds like either her SO found out and insisted on no contact, or she tried to break it off when she started seeing someone. It also appears that your H has been informed that she wishes no further contact with him. But, now he's fishing for contact again. Even on the off chance it wasn't an EA or PA, he's at least harassing a woman who's made it clear she doesn't want to talk to him. 

So, yeah, sorry. Scumbag.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I am not sure, it seems he's showing this person he has changed, however something happened in the past that this person does not want to hear from him. It doesn't seem like he wants to rekindle something as you are in the picture. 


And if you are in transparency mode, why not ask him. Keep the contact information just in case you feel like he's hiding something.But, I would ask him why he felt the need to reach out her. How are things in your marriage otherwise?


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

This one stinks it could be any number of reasons. Harassment is certainly a possibility then again maybe she wanted him and he didn't. Without digging more you will not know. 

I would confront him and consider a var in his car. 

Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No matter what it is, it is NOT him being transparent. Polygraph time.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

No matter the background, he is cheating on you by pursuing this woman. He is your H after all & shouldn't be having relationships like this with other women.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I sent emails to some guys in May telling them to stop all contact with my wife. I wrote a heck of a lot more but all contact stopped. I suspect your husband was saying quite a bit more then you have seen to get the responce he got to cut the crap and leave her alone. 

He needs to be transparent.


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## Mary1214 (Mar 19, 2013)

I appreciate the input from everyone. There is a little more to the story...About 2 years ago he got caught lying to me about deleted message on his phone. The messages were to a friend of his and apparently were about going to a strip club. He said they were making plans to go to a strip club but never ended up going, so he deleted the messages so I wouldn't be upset about him going. However, we do have an agreement that if he goes to a strip club he will be honest and tell me, and I won't be upset. And, he has been to strip clubs (for bachelor parties and whatnot), and I haven't gotten upset. 

If he really deleted the messages because he was making plans to go, but didn't end up going, I can understand that. What I can't understand is how he reacted to me finding out he deleted all these texts. He told me to get the f out and leave my effing key. Then, the next day he told me that he put a passcode on his phone, changed all his passwords including the accounts we share (credit card & phone) and that there would be no more "transparency". I thought he was just upset that I had looked at his phone and was acting out, and it would eventually blow over. Here we are over two years later in the same situation despite how many times I've told him how unhappy I am about the whole situation. His response was "so what, I effing lied and you need to get the f over it". Combine that with all of the other classic cheater signs (lost a bunch of weight, new hip wardrobe, new manscaping, wearing cologne all the time when he never used to) and I pretty much have my answer. I really want the hard evidence though. I plan on getting in touch with this girl in the near future and seeing if she will confirm my suspicions. It just makes me sick to my stomach that the person that I love so much could go behind my back and feel like he needs to get something that he must not be getting in our marriage from another woman. He is totally narcissistic and I can pretty much be sure that he will never admit to anything, try to make me feel like I am crazy, and certainly not apologize. I have some things going on in my life right now that make it so I can't confront him yet, but in a few weeks I have a feeling that shiz is going to hit the fan and I'm really not looking forward to it. I'm sure many of you have been through similar situations and I appreciate everyones advice.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I don't know why you need more evidence. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck....

And look at the way he treats you and speaks to you. Such disrespect. That alone would be enough for me to tell him to hit the wind. I hope you'll value yourself enough to free yourself to find a decent man to share your life with.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Mary1214 said:


> I appreciate the input from everyone. There is a little more to the story...About 2 years ago he got caught lying to me about deleted message on his phone. The messages were to a friend of his and apparently were about going to a strip club. He said they were making plans to go to a strip club but never ended up going, so he deleted the messages so I wouldn't be upset about him going. However, we do have an agreement that if he goes to a strip club he will be honest and tell me, and I won't be upset. And, he has been to strip clubs (for bachelor parties and whatnot), and I haven't gotten upset.
> 
> If he really deleted the messages because he was making plans to go, but didn't end up going, I can understand that. What I can't understand is how he reacted to me finding out he deleted all these texts. He told me to get the f out and leave my effing key. Then, the next day he told me that he put a passcode on his phone, changed all his passwords including the accounts we share (credit card & phone) and that there would be no more "transparency". I thought he was just upset that I had looked at his phone and was acting out, and it would eventually blow over. Here we are over two years later in the same situation despite how many times I've told him how unhappy I am about the whole situation. His response was "so what, I effing lied and you need to get the f over it". Combine that with all of the other classic cheater signs (lost a bunch of weight, new hip wardrobe, new manscaping, wearing cologne all the time when he never used to) and I pretty much have my answer. I really want the hard evidence though. I plan on getting in touch with this girl in the near future and seeing if she will confirm my suspicions. It just makes me sick to my stomach that the person that I love so much could go behind my back and feel like he needs to get something that he must not be getting in our marriage from another woman. He is totally narcissistic and I can pretty much be sure that he will never admit to anything, try to make me feel like I am crazy, and certainly not apologize. I have some things going on in my life right now that make it so I can't confront him yet, but in a few weeks I have a feeling that shiz is going to hit the fan and I'm really not looking forward to it. I'm sure many of you have been through similar situations and I appreciate everyones advice.


Your husband is hiding so much crap it is unbelievable. Your take on the whole situation is correct. My wife did a similar thing is stating that I am crazy that I am the one that needs to go to the hospital, all the while I am playing the recording of her having sex with the XOM. It was just unbelievable. Her trying to convince me that it was just music. They will go to extremes.

My advice is this. I needed to know. I needed hard evidence. Even with the hard evidence she denied and denied. That is what you need from your husband, hard proof. Back off if you can. Use technology and bust him. He will slip up.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

"You're right. I DO need to get over your lying. I'm getting over it by kicking you the hell out of my life. Get out."


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, please keep in mind that "getting over it" does not necessarily mean continuing to put up with it. You can very happily get over "it" by removing the source of "it" from your daily life. 

With what you describe of your spouse, that's certainly the path I would suggest.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you're not ready to give up on him yet (although he doesn't sound like much of a catch), ask a friend to follow him with a camera.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

It was most likely an EA gone bad for him and he went back fishing to get things going again. 

Your issues with your husband are not over and it sounds like they may never be over with him. 

I would contact the guy that warned him off and see if you can get more of the story.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Mary1214 said:


> Hi Everyone,
> I would just appreciate some feedback about my current situation with my husband. We have been married for 3 years and together for 11. My husband cheated in the beginning of out relationship, and I told him that the only way I would get back together with him is if we had "transparency" and counseling. He agreed and we pretty much worked everything out, which is why we ended up getting married. However, I just recently saw an email that he sent to some girl that really alarmed me. He sent her a pic of him and I (which I don't understand why he would send a pic with me in it) at a cool event and told her that he is respecting her text ban, but he thought she would be proud of him. He asked her to "break the silence" and be excited for him. He later forwards her some other article about getting into med school which she was apparently trying to do. Someone responded to that email for her telling him to stop contacting her because she doesn't want to communicate with him. They told him to "cut the crap" and that the past is the past and he should leave it there. He also said that if my husband contacts her again he would find him in person and not be so understanding. I later found out that she is in her early 20s and beautiful (and he is almost 40). My gut is telling me to run, but does this have "AFFAIR" written all over it?
> 
> I appreciate the input from everyone. There is a little more to the story...About 2 years ago he got caught lying to me about deleted message on his phone. The messages were to a friend of his and apparently were about going to a strip club. He said they were making plans to go to a strip club but never ended up going, so he deleted the messages so I wouldn't be upset about him going. However, we do have an agreement that if he goes to a strip club he will be honest and tell me, and I won't be upset. And, he has been to strip clubs (for bachelor parties and whatnot), and I haven't gotten upset.
> ...


I'm a very bottom line kind of guy Mary, so keep that in mind with what I'm about to say.

Does it matter? He has a history of cheating etc. He made a promise to you about his behavior. He's breaking that promise BADLY!!!

That's really all the answer you need. He's not going to change. He's going to continue to run around in the shadows. You might get your answer about this one circumstance, but what about all the stuff you don't know about. The deleted items that you didn't catch etc. You know there's more.

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me!"

This reminds me of the old story about the turtle and the snake.

A snake, being a very poor swimmer, asked a turtle to carry him on his back across a river. "Are you mad?" exclaimed the turtle. "You'll bite me while I'm swimming and I'll drown."

"My dear turtle," laughed the snake, "if I were to bite you, you would drown and I would go down with you. Now where is the logic in that?"

"You're right!" cried the turtle. "Hop on!" The snake climbed aboard and halfway across the river gave the turtle a mighty bite. As they both sank to the bottom, the turtle resignedly said:

"Do you mind if I ask you something? You said there'd be no logic in your biting me. Why did you do it?"

"It has nothing to do with logic," the drowning snake sadly replied. "It's just my nature."


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Mary----1st---do not EVER let your H---tell you to get out and leave your key---where you live is as much yours as his, and the next time he issues demands or threats, jump down his throat with both feet

He is into all kinds of crap, and you know it----You need to file for D, and see where it all leads---but in all honesty, in your situation---I do not think your H knows the definition of mge---and the best thing you could do for yourself---is to end your farce of a mge

If you do throw down on him with the threat of a D---do not let him weasel and manipulate you into calling it off

You only get one trip thru life on this planet, and that trip is spose to be happy---right now your trip seems to be nothing but full of misery


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## Mary1214 (Mar 19, 2013)

mahike said:


> It was most likely an EA gone bad for him and he went back fishing to get things going again.
> 
> Your issues with your husband are not over and it sounds like they may never be over with him.
> 
> I would contact the guy that warned him off and see if you can get more of the story.


I wish I could, but the guy responded under the girls email


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## BWBill (Jan 30, 2013)

_I wish I could, but the guy responded under the girls email_

Either the guy is monitoring the girl's email or she is providing him with the messages.

Send a message to that address and ask who they are and what was or is going on.


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