# Sorry this is so long I need help



## FionaApplebee (Jul 7, 2012)

This is my first time to this forum. My husband and I have been together for over 20 years. Married for 10. We had a couple of breakups previous to the marriage. Our main issues have been both of our tempers, and issues with the kids.

My husband was in recovery from drug and alcohol abuse for 15 years. He went to treatment, went to meeting for the first couple of years. Stayed Clean and Sober. 

In the past year and a half everything has gone to hell. His parents became sick and passed away. He had been the primary caretaker for one of them. While he was taking care of him he started gambling very, very heavily. He acted just like he did when he was abusing substances. His behavior became very confrontational and he did all the same fight-picking behaviors that he did when he was using. I attributed most of this to the grief, obviously he was going through a horrendous time. I tried really, really hard to be patient and supportive and do everything i could to help him. In addition to this our house was going into foreclosure and he had a milestone birthday.

He was spending thousands and thousands of dollars at the casino that we don't have. Disappearing for days at a time with no word. Spending tons of time with his best friend ( a woman I am very jealous of - venting to her about everything that is wrong with me ). Blowing up over tiny perceived slights - some of which were just completely irrational. Accusing me of cheating. And on and on. All of his behaviors made me think he was using again. I asked him repeatedly if he was, he would tell me he wasn't and get furious that I would ask. 

I was horrible and lost my temper several times during this and said awful things I shouldn't have. I know I shouldn't have, I know it wasn't helpful and that he was full of grief and didn't know how to handle it ( or anything ). 

So several months ago he tells me he wants a divorce. Then a month later he admits that he started drinking again a year ago. My heart is breaking for him, for me, for our life. His behavior is so irrational and he just doesn't see it. 

We are still living together, our house just got foreclosed on yesterday. He has started seeing someone else and plans to live with her. I have some sort of autoimmune disease that is geting worse by the day and I am not able to adequately do my job. Our plan was for me to leave my job and stay home, it was our goal for when the kids were grown - now he says he'll help with bills, but i need to keep working, and he spends every cent he gets his hands on so obviously I can't depend on him to help. He isn't rushing to get the divorce because I am on his medical coverage and have a lot of on-going bills, but he considers himself single.

He is absolutely unable to see how his obsessive gambling or his drinking had anything at all to do with it. 

He knows the gambling is a problem ( we are living hand to mouth while both working good full time jobs, he burned through at least half our take home pay, and all his inhieretance ).. and he says he'll get help. But hasn't. He at first seemed to realize the drinking was a problem and he should go back to meetings -- but now is just saying he'll work on it, and he doesn't drink that much and and and .... No he doesn't drink much at all- but he drinks when he goes to the casino and spends all the money, he drinks to escape and I am scared to death he will be right back where he was before he got sober years ago. I feel like his behavior is pretty close to when he was using crack.

I feel that he is throwing our entire life away based on the trauma of losing his parents and his reaction to the grief and I am left with no way to talk to him about it , because he has decided to replace me with someone who doesn't care if he drinks and is all fun all the time instead of having to pay the bills and deal with the day to day responsibilities. 

I know I have flaws, I know I screwed up, I am more than willing to get help and I haven't blown up at him in months (although sometimes he will think I am saying or doing things that aren't even close to reality ) .. I am just stuck with how to handle this. Somewhere in there is the Man I know he can be, that he has been, that he often still is. He is still loving to me, says he loves me, we have great sex, we laugh and watch tv ... but he doesn't want to even think about going to counseling or saving our marriage. And what makes it even harder for me is that I KNOW that if he was being at least a little bit rational he would see that the lying and hiding the drinking, and the gambling, are a huge part of the problem -- and why he is acting this way. In addition to the grief. He can see when other people need help, he has been to the program before and knows that hanging out with people who drink all the time isn't healthy for him.. but he is just completely locked down mentally.

I love him, I believed our marriage was for life, I want to wait for him to get through this, but there is nothing I can do to even address it, because he found someone who doesn't care. I don't want to throw away our lives based on what I pray is a temporary situation. I don't know how to get him to even look at the wreckage the drinking and gambling is causing when he has people around him validating his behavior. Any thoughts from anyone regarding relapse and disaster after many many years of sobriety ? Or mid-life crisis .. or grief ... or anything ?? I am posting this in the addiction area too.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

As you know, your husband has an addiction problem. People with this problem will often substitute one addiction for another when they stop the first addition. It’s also not unusual for a person who has free of the addictive behavior to start it up again when things in life get rough. 

On top of the now drinking and gambling problem he’s had at least two affairs. The one whit the friend who he gambled with was at the very least an EA (emotional affair), is not a PH (physical affair). He has completely ruined you financially. And he’s left to so live with the OW (other woman).

Your husband is walking all over you and destroying your family life, and all you are doing is worrying about him? 

Of course you lost your temper. The issue is not that you lost your temper but that you are trying to stuff it and act like you were wrong for expressing your anger.

He is having an affair and planning to move in with another woman? He is having an PA right? So is is at least two affairs. He is not remorseful, does not want to work on your marriage and continues to do whatever he pleases even though he’s tearing your heart out? But you are still having sex with him?

Yes he has destroyed and thrown your entire life together way and he’s made sure to stomp all over you in doing it. 

You cannot change him. You can only change how you interact with him. As you most likely know he will probably have to hit rock bottom before he will get straight again if he ever does.

You are looking for excuses for his behavior… relapse? Mid-life crisis? Grief? Anything? There are no excuses for it. He knows what he’s doing and what he needs to do to stop it and fix his and your life. He no longer cares. People changed. He’s changed. This is the new him.

The best thing you could do for him and for you is for you to “hit him over the head with a hammer”.

Start attending Al-Anon because you need to learn to stop being an enabler.. yes you are enabling his behavior. When you did not react harshly when he first started this behavior you became an enabler.

See an attorney; find out your rights. Talk to the attorney about the advantages of a legal separation vs a divorce. By filing one of these, you will be telling him that you are serious that you will not tolerate his gambling, drinking and affairs. 

You might want to do a legal separation because then you are still married and thus he can still have you on his medical insurance. But you will have the legal protection of not being responsible any debt he makes in the future. 

With a legal separation or divorce child support and spousal support can be setup to come out of his pay before he gets the money. 

In either case, until they are final he can keep you on his medical insurance and interim child support/spousal support can be set up. 

Keep in mind that a divorce can be stopped at any time before the final decree is signed. It can take months if not a year or two to get a divorce. Have your attorney get interim support in place.. this will run while you are going through the divorce. He will most likely owe you child support and maybe even spousal support. The court can order that it come directly out of his pay before his check is cut. So he will not be able to gamble and drink it away.

Tell him to move out with his affair partner. Hopefully he will leave. He will hit bottom a lot sooner if you do the above. What you are doing will not help him see the light and get better. Filing for divorce and kicking him out is much more likely to get him to hit bottom sooner and get him to start his way back to mental health. And if he does not do this then do you really want to deal with this hell he’s putting you through for the rest of your life?
He can keep you on his health insurance until your divorce is final. The court can then order him to pay for 36 months of COBRA insurance for you.

Do the two of you have joint bank accounts? If you do, open an account in your name only. Move 75% of all the money in that account into your name since you need to take care of your children. Have your pay check go into your account so that he does not have access to it.

Change how you interact with him if you want him to take your message and you seriously. Right now he has no reason to take you seriously… you put up with his cheating, his gambling, financial ruination, drinking… and still make love to him. And on top of that you work very hard to be the ‘nice wife’ who does not react negatively to all of this.

No wonder you are physically ill. The life you are living would make anyone physically ill.


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## FionaApplebee (Jul 7, 2012)

Thank you for your reply, I think you are right about much of this. I don't think he sees it as having an affair though. I think he feels he is single, and he didn't start seeing this new woman until after he told me he wanted a divorce. He wants to move out, I'm the one who doesn't want him to go. He says he won't do the divorce paperwork so I can have the insurance .Our children are grown so there would be no child support, and as we both have always worked and make roughly the same there would be no spousal support. I have no work health care though, and my hours are being severely reduced in the near future. I do think his grief has played a huge role, as well as the addiction. I see what you mean about enabling ... I just keep hoping this is temporary, and I do care deeply about his well being. I know all of that sounds stupid - I just see the addiction as a disease and I want to fight the disease and help him heal - not abandon him to it. Writing it out, I realize how hopeless that sounds.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Addiction is a disease... or more accurately a mental illness. His brain chemistry is off.

And you cannot make him take the medicine he needs to get it under control again. Sadly know what I'm talking about as I've been dealing with this with people who have different types of mental illness to include addiction problems.


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