# Your Opinion, PLEASE!



## Solo Me (Sep 27, 2011)

I've been a *guest* for quite some time but feel the need to post now. My current dilemma is haunting me. I know what my gut tells me but I am in need of some support here. I am living a very isolated life, so I have no one to really talk to about this. I'll try to be as brief as possible.

Almost a month ago, I was sitting outside with my adult daughter (on her birthday). A call came in for her on my husband's phone. He brought the phone out to her and went back inside. After she finished the call, she handed the phone to me. After a few minutes of chatting, a text came in on his phone. Being that it is an iPhone, the text message is displayed on the screen. It was an innocuous text from a friend to both of us, so I opened it up, responded, then closed out the text. The last text he received the day before caught my attention. It was from a woman he used to work with that was transferred to another office. There is history here of my H not being faithful. Hackles were raised. I opened the text. Naked photos of her. Sexual words back and forth. Blood boiling.

I had to maintain my composure so as not to ruin my daughter's birthday dinner the family was gathering for. I had a brief moment alone to hand my H his phone with the texts open. I calmly asked, in hushed tone, what was going on. He *claimed* that his male assistant had been borrowing his phone at the office to communicate with this woman. My H stated that he was going to make sure it didn't happen again. I let it go, knowing it was a lie but also knowing this was not the time to delve into this. 

The next day, I starting doing my homework. I went through the cell bill and found that he had been texting with her several times a week, beginning the previous month. I made a fatal error by not confronting him immediately. The texts continued for the next two weeks, during which time I was a brooding mess (another fatal mistake).

The Friday before last, my H had had enough of my mood. He lost his temper over a minor incident with out daughter. This escalated quickly wherein divorce was imminent. We have had our fair share of problems over the past 2.5 years where divorce was on the table, but nothing to this degree. Suffice it to say, he turned into someone I didn't know. After several hours of him depracating me, we came to an agreement that we would work on things.

Things have been calm since then. I have been the doting wife and he has been more pleasant than normal.

The texts from the OW have lessened. Only one picture and one text from her with one response from him last week. My H deletes only her texts and pictures from his phone, leaving all other incoming/outgoing texts.

I guess my question is, what would YOU do if you were in my shoes?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Solo Me said:


> I guess my question is, what would YOU do if you were in my shoes?


1 Demand he writes a no contact e-mail letter or phone call to her.

2 Demand access to any and all forms of communication.

3 Put a voice activated recorder in his car

4 Put a GPS tracking device in his car.

If I discover he`s been in contact with her again I`d divorce him.

That`s what I`d do.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Solo Me said:


> I guess my question is, what would YOU do if you were in my shoes?


Tell him to pick. You or the OW. If he picks the OW, tell him to start packing. Unless you're willing to live with three of you in your marriage there really isn't another choice. If he picks you and your marriage there is a host of things he has to do but the high points are: Give you the full and complete truth - immediately - no trickle truth, write and let you approve and send a no contact letter to the OW then establish and maintain no contact, give you complete transparency into his world - email, phone, text, social media - everything. Basically if he picks you he has to be truly remorseful or it's just lip service. If he's truly remorseful he will WANT to do anything you need to establish peace of mind. Be prepared - very rarely does the wayward spouse choose the marriage initially. You will likely have to prove that you mean business if you tell him to pick. He will likely call you crazy and put the blame on you for his cheating - this is all foolishness and has nothing to do with HIS decision to cheat. Any thing he says is a non starter until he goes NC with the OW. Ignore his words and focus on his actions.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

What you need to figure out is, do you want to try and reconcile? If you do, then you need to figure out if he does also or not. If he does, then he needs to become COMPLETELY transparent to you without complaint, and be truly remorseful. Not sorry he got caught, but sorry for what he has done. The pp is bang on - his actions will tell you, not his words.

ETA - if you both want reconciliation, I think marriage counseling is a must.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

tacoma said:


> 1 Demand he writes a no contact e-mail letter or phone call to her.
> 
> 2 Demand access to any and all forms of communication.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

I second that...


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

What would I do if I were you? I kick his scummy, lying, cheating, no good, miserable ass to the curb. That's what I would do. Let him and his skooch have each other. Then I'd go brush the dogs teeth with his toothbrush.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Solo Me said:


> There is history here of my H not being faithful.
> 
> The texts from the OW have lessened. Only one picture and one text from her with one response from him last week. My H deletes only her texts and pictures from his phone, leaving all other incoming/outgoing texts.


You have no marriage to speak of as long as she is still in the picture.

Set a hard boundary and stick to it. Non-negotiable. Either she is out of the picture or you are. Non-negotiable. 

If OW is married, out her to her husband w/o any warning to your husband or her beforehand.


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## loveiswhereiamnot (Jul 8, 2011)

All of the above posted advice.

It is very likely that he has moved their contact or will. He's keeping you happy right now long enough for you to let down your guard, and it will start again over phone or e-mail.

NC letter
complete transparencey
VAR
gps
keylogger
MC once NC is established

He should be having NO contact with her! She should be blocked on his cell phone.

Doting wife? After he's been sexting another woman for over a month? And he's just being more pleasant than usual? Using a gentle 2x4 here - don't be a doormat for his bad behavior.


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## StrangerThanFiction (Jul 19, 2011)

Solo Me said:


> Naked photos of her. Sexual words back and forth.
> 
> He *claimed* that his male assistant had been borrowing his phone at the office to communicate with this woman.
> 
> ...


Read that again. How doesn't it infuriate you that he insults your intelligence and relationship by claiming "his male assistant" was using his phone to sext? Really?

And now, all he's making sure doesn't happen again is you finding his texts on his phone, since he's deleting them.

decide what you want and draw a line in the sand.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> What would I do if I were you? I kick his scummy, lying, cheating, no good, miserable ass to the curb. That's what I would do. Let him and his skooch have each other. *Then I'd go brush the dogs teeth with his toothbrush.*


I think my advice was good but this might be even better...

:smthumbup:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Apple's dog tooth-brushing story never fails to put a smile on my face


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Apple's dog tooth-brushing story never fails to put a smile on my face


 I'm all about good canine dental hygiene. Even pooches should have a shiney, healthy smile


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## Solo Me (Sep 27, 2011)

I know that everything you've all said is correct - including the brushing the dog's teeth! HA! Thanks... I needed that.

There is a lot more history here. I am not perfect. I am also not innocent. I had an EA several years ago. The OM lived out of the country so there was no physical contact. He was my sounding board to my effed up life. Just prior to that and for a full year, my H was on dating websites and meeting other women. Prior to that, there were several different EA's on my H's part, many times I knew something was going on but did not pursue finding the evidence. I know there was a PA at one point when my OB diagnosed me with chlamydia. Yes, it is a long and sad tale.

He refuses MC. He believes all therapy is a farce. 

I am petrified. Immobilized. I have lost my voice in this relationship. Everything I say is met with a rebuttal. My words are twisted. My actions become the focal point. Simply put, I do all of the wrong. He is always right. Always. I know, of course, that he's not. 

He surprised me with a vacation this weekend. I am going to be selfish. I am going to take this vacation and put my actions on hold. Call it my last hurrah?! Maybe I can find the courage by the time we return for the big confrontation?

I truly appreciate the support I have received. I have a feeling I'm going to be needing a lot more within the coming weeks/months/years.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Solo I hate to say it but your marriage is badly broken, quite possibly beyond repair. You may be better served to recognize it for what it is and move on. You may find it a relief in your life if you stop trying to keep something glued together that should have been allowed to fall apart years ago. It's a hard thing to end a marriage and only you and your H can decide which course is right, but to save the marriage both of you have to be committed to it. With as much bad history as the two of you have true reconciliation will be difficult and if your H refuses counseling just that much more so. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Solo Me said:


> There is a lot more history here. I am not perfect. I am also not innocent. I had an EA several years ago. The OM lived out of the country so there was no physical contact. He was my sounding board to my effed up life. Just prior to that and for a full year, my H was on dating websites and meeting other women. Prior to that, there were several different EA's on my H's part, many times I knew something was going on but did not pursue finding the evidence. I know there was a PA at one point


Your story has some similarities to mine. 

I wouldn't go on vacation with him unless he ends all contact with her. I'd also tell him MC is a non-negotiable.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Your story has some similarities to mine.
> 
> I wouldn't go on vacation with him unless he ends all contact with her. I'd also tell him MC is a non-negotiable.


Ditto. This guy needs to get his s**T together or get out. You are better than this my friend! You can get along without this man if he will not be the husband you deserve, and you do deserve better. Nothing you have ever done ever, is an excuse for him to be a lying, cheating, scum bag. You are letting him have his cake. There is nothing here to dote on, he is playing you and insulting your intelligence.


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## Solo Me (Sep 27, 2011)

Thank you for your words of advice and support. 

I had a conversation with my H this evening. To be succinct, I informed him that I was not going to put up with his behavior any longer. He composed a text in front of me and sent it to her. Without going into the full details of the text, he told her not to contact him again. 

I will pick up a VAR tomorrow. As far as I know, I have access to all of his online communication. He rarely goes on his computer at home and has very limited access to outside programs at his office. The IT Dept. has constant monitoring. I am checking his cell usage multiple times per day (obsessing? yes!). His cell phone has tracking so I know where he is at all times.

I believe that this most recent A is not a PA... yet. There is no way to know for certain, I suppose. My biggest concern is that he has gone underground at this point. I am now like a dog with a bone. I refuse to let go and believe anything he says. His life is now under my microscope.

I am concerned that his male assistant is in collusion with him. He can easily facilitate phone calls between them - be it at the office or connecting to his cell phone. What to do with that, I'm not certain.

I have also spent quite a bit of time reading this evening - both in the forums, blogs and a new book on dealing with infidelity. I am a sponge right now and welcome any and all advice. Without the bravery of others, sharing their stories and advice, I would not be able to find what little strength I have to forge ahead.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Solo,

You might have put the fire out...so to speak. Looks like you are doing the right things.

The #1 thing at this point is to keep your radar up and running, and it sounds like you got that covered.

After things settle down (emotionally) you can then start to rebuild. Don't try and rush this part.

Good Luck


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## Solo Me (Sep 27, 2011)

Things have been calm on the EA front the past two weeks... until today. The (*&#@ texted my H another picture. I know it will be deleted before he arrives home from work. 

My questions is this: Since the OW is not married, do I contact her? Do I confront my H about it? Do I lay low and see if he responds to her text? 

I'm so angry right now, I'm shaking. 

Thanks for any and all input!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

It's up to him to maintain no contact. He should be telling you what she did and what he did in response (which had damned well better be that he deleted it and did not reply). If he is still hiding stuff, he isn't doing what he needs to.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> It's up to him to maintain no contact. He should be telling you what she did and what he did in response (which had damned well better be that he deleted it and did not reply). If he is still hiding stuff, he isn't doing what he needs to.


I agree, it is with out a doubt up to him. I would however ask you husband to change his number. 

Keep your guard up....did he respond to the text? If he did they are still communicating. 

Also, even if he didn't respond...he still saw the picture. He has to change his number.


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