# Haunted by son's questions.



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

So, it was the first week after my divorce picking the baby up. He came over to me and ran and ran and gave me a hug.

I said hi to the older ones and now my ex-wife is going to fight me on the terms of the settlement. I gave her my weekend and she said,

"I'll have to see if that works for me."

Well, there is no "see" - she's off on the weekends anyway and all I have to do is give 14 days notice.

That isn't what's bothering me (her behavior is par for the course).

She asked me to watch my middle son while she went and picked up hte oldest from baseball practice. My middle son was standing there, and I could tell something was on his mind (he's 8 and such a neat kid).

SON: Um, Dad. Do people ever marry again?

ME (thinking he's talking about her bf and mom): Well, yes sometimes they do (I almost said usually)

(Okay, first pitch is a fast ball)

ME: Why are you asking?

SON: *looking down at floor and his feet scuffling*

ME: Do you mean for Mom and BF?

SON: *Still looking* *No answer*

ME: You mean me and Mom?

SON: Yeah *still looking at feet, almost cracking a grin of shame for asking, like he's asking for candy before dinner*

(Second pitch a curve up at the head - I was about nearly knocked off my feet)

ME: Well, sometimes they do (trying to tell truth) but that's probably not ever going to happen for Mom and me. But I am moving closer and going to see you a lot more.

But. . .he didn't ask about seeing me, did he? He asked about me and mom being married. 

I realized all at once he was grieving the death of the marriage, that honestly, in a lot of ways, he wouldn't care if he saw me 1x/month, but if Mom and Dad were married and loved each other, things would be okay.

Thinking a lot about him today.

This is my first week of Life After Divorce.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Scannerguard,

Its hard to answer those questions. I've been there. My son is 8. Great kid, kind, loving, etc. He would always say, "but you and mom aren't divorced yet". This even after his mother got engaged.

I just had to sit down and say "Son, please do not hold out hope that your mother and i will get back together. It had nothing to do with you. It isn't your fault. I love you. Your mother loves you. But I don't want to see you get disappointed in the future, your dreams of me and mom together again -- it won't happen."

It sucked. Do I ever think he has asked her? No, I doubt it. That is what really gets to me Scanner -- him. 

So we roll on, putting one foot in front of the other. Welcome to Life after Divorce.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

You just brought tears in my eyes Scannerguard. It is probably a question my now 2 year old will ask when he gets to that age. Or maybe he will not know anything better. He was not even 1 when his father started the affair and not even 2 when we divorced. My divorce was final about a month and a half ago.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Yeah, while I certainly had the "New Beginning" feelign this week. . .I also realized it's like a war being over and I am now surveying the damage that was done, the devastation left to all affected.

Our marriage was "pivotal" to 2 families as her brother and my sister are the "irresponsible" ones and never really participated in family or have a lick of responsibility. So, we have the only grandchildren.

So, parents and kids are left with war scars. They both lost a daughter-in-law and a son-in-law. I was close to her mom and I suppose that relationship is over but I am thankful we had one for 15 years.

I did read that there are 40 year old adults who will confide to their therapists that they still fantasize about mom and dad getting back together decades later, even though they know it's a silly fantasy.

I think I will let him have his fantasy for now.

I thought my ex. would have been better with her mood. She looked miserable, old, like she's been sick and I can't figure it out. She didn't want therapy. She didn't want to be married. She didn't want intimacy (from me, from bf - okay).

THIS IS WHAT SHE WANTED!

So, my opponent looks devastated too.

I had a talk about this with my best friend. He said she shouldn't feel screwed just becuase she was forced to sign an armistice agreement. I then said maybe I should take the philosophy of we did after WWII and rebuild Japan, so I dont have an eternal enemy.

The problem is that can run dangerously close to placation. And placation doesn't work either, esp. with her. I give her something and no thanks and no reciprocation.

I guess I'll just back off - everyone in the house is fragile now I guess.


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## bellringer (Aug 20, 2010)

Aww, these stories brought tears to my eyes also. I am not divorced yet, soon. Bt today while my 6 yr old son and I were decorating for christmas(yeah I know way to early, actually i am late, usually have them up before halloween) I was hanging our stockings and came across stbx's and it was kinda sad, I wouldnt be hanging his. so I baged it up to give to him, and my son said, mom do you wish daddy would be here for christmas, I said yeah I loved family christmas, I said are you ok with him not being here? He says, No I like it better this way. I think my son will be fine. his father was always yelling about stupid stuff like putting his shoes away, and things like that, and plus I do and have always done things with my son, not husband. I always worried about my son, but even at 6 he knows its stress free here now. good luck to you all.


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## dantanph (Feb 7, 2010)

SG, your post made me cry.

My son is just 28 months and I am in the middle of a divorce now. 

This is probably a question I will encounter later on. Honestly, I did my best to save my marriage and give my stbx another chance to have a complete family. But he does not want it and so in love with his 21 year old mistress.

I hope I know what to say when that time comes.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

I wish you strength, we'll all need it, specially during these upcoming holidays. 

First christmas w/o my x in 4 years, even worse we married in December


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

My 4 yr old daughter keeps trying to sell us on the idea. She has incessantly been asking both the ex and me about our wedding day, being married, and being in love. 
Were you happy on this day? (Referring to wedding day)
Is that when you were in love?
Do you remember when you used to live here?

She's 4 ... She was 2 when I moved out.

But ... they are resilient. They definitely roll with the punches. As long as they feel loved and that both parents are available, regardless of whether or not mom and dad sleep together, kids, my kids, certainly seem to be thriving.


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## Beverley (Oct 26, 2010)

I don't think kids ever really give up hope no matter what the circumstances. 

I recently got married again to a lovely guy who gets on very well with my girls (both adults 28 and 25) but the youngest cried all the way through the wedding and wouldn't tell me why. She didn't really need to though, I knew she was finally accepting that her dad and I were never going to get back together


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I have been pondering this a lot this week. . .I am going to hope with him. It's not a good thing to take away hope.

_Hope's a powerful thing. Maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies._

But in the meantime. . .

Get busy living. Or get busy dying. Damn straight.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

My son has never asked anything like this. It pains me a lot for leaving him. 

I was silly then, I asked him who he wanted to live with, he said both even though his father hadn't lived with us for two years, his farther was a stranger to him at that time, but when his father and I were divorcing, my son said both. That put me to tears because I knew what he wanted and that's what I couldn't give anymore. He was four that year. Now he is thirteen. 

Several times I let my son know the reason why I left his father. I told my son that mom wasn't happy, mom wants to be happy. Hope he could understand the complicated adult world. 

I left everything to his father, I told my son why I did it this way. I told him because I wanted him to have a better material life. I still help my ex if he ever gets laid off. Last eight years, I have supported him twice already. My son sees it, my ex appreciates it. They are very happy that mom is happy now. Right now my ex has a stable job, but my son knows, he always has mom there to support him if his father fails to do it. I do believe it gives my son security. 

My husband loves my son, treats and teaches my son like his own. He is even more concerned for my son than I do. My husband always tells me what I should do to be a good mom. 

So far, everything is going fine. My son is growing up and he is more mature than his classmates. I let him correct me and I let him know he can protect me. I am trying to teach him that a man should protect a woman.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

I do not like reading these post, too sad, but I am glad I did...My 10yr old daughter is still holding out hope..we have been separated for 6 mos. papers filed and their mom has already introduced them to her new 'FRIEND'..It is so hard for me to even think about bringing a female 'friend' into my daughters 10 and 12 lives..is it because they tell me " daddy, you don't need anybody but us two."? is it because they are girls? Maybe I'm looking at it wrong but after 17 yrs of marriage and my girls having a two parent marriage their whole lives, it just seems too soon.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

One of my favorite movies Scannerguard. And those lines are great both Andy's and Red's.

Especially -- get busy livin or get busy dyin.

Nothing wrong with hope. I'm just trying to minimize his.

Be well my friend.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

_Hope will drive a man mad._

I have no doubt my son can have a healthy amount of hope but as I hope with him, my hope is only a small amount of hope, something to just keep alive and share with him silently (I won't tell him I hope too).

Yeah, as far as the significant others to be introduced into kid's lives. . .probably a topic for another thread.

I thought it was very wrong of my ex-wife to do that during our separation and while divorce was proceeding. I gave her a verbal pasting on that subject one day. Now. . .it's over and she's to move on and explore the world of other men so it's okay and my boys will have to get used to the idea and I'll try to help them with that.

I even said if her bf has a disipline problem to refer it to me as their father. I want them to respect him. I dont think they'll be a problem; they are good boys.

I have to tell you, the very idea of a gf of mine being a stepmom. . .things were never the same after my ex-gf suggested it and start having plans about it.

I was freaked out.

I was like, "Wait a minute. I just want my kids to get used to Dad having a girlfriend, not view that person as a stepmom." It was probably indelicate of me to say that, but that's honestly how I felt.

She saw it different though - like, "Hell, I am giving you a gift here. . .helping you raise your kids when I have none of my own and your turning it down? How nervey!"

It probably was nervey of me to think that but it's honestly how I felt. A woman rushing a man is nothing knew I guess and I tried to slow it down but for now, it will be no relationships, just FWB's.

I think my boys should see their Dad as a bachelor for awhile, surviving and providing on his own and independent to contrast that with their mother, who will enter a subsequent serious relationship. See both perspectives, benefits and disadvantages.


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