# How to deal with an emotional episodes from a spouse



## CuriousOne37 (Aug 23, 2017)

Hi all. 

So, I'm 37 and she is 35. We have a son of 6.

Last tuesday, 8 days ago I notice that she is somewhat distant and cold. She says everything is fine. Every day since I have asked her how is she, does she wants to talk about anything. No, everything is fine, we're fine. 

Four days ago after she said everything is fine I have asked her how is that possible when she is emotionally unavailable to me. This clearly angered her. Next hour she proceeded to complain about several issues about the house that I'll never find the time and how she has to keep track of everything and similar stuff.

Three days ago we were watching a movie and I told her how her silence hurts and how hurtful is to be neglected. She coldly offered sex which I refused politely. 

Two days ago I decided to be a little bit more forceful with my questions maybe to provoke her. Well, I did provoke something - it was rage. She was quickly in tears and barely holding it together but, she talked a bit without looking at me. Main bullet points:

- Yes, I did something
- No, she is not going to tell me
- We should act normal
- We're supposed to move on, it will pass
- I deserve to be treated coldly

I just said ok and disengaged. Last evening she was all warm again, sitting next to me, hugging me and offered sex like she used to. I refused once again and went to bed. 

Altough it's rare, this is not the first time she did something like this. She gets cold, I try to talk and fix the problem, she pushes me back and hurts me, I disengage and then after a while she warms up and wants to continue with our lives like nothing happened. I usually insist on talking only to find out that some small issue basically triggered her like some random emotional storm or something. We did this dance quite a few times already and the end is predictable. 

We basically move on without seriously addressing it. I'm usually starved for affection and cuddle time and when in the good mood her charm is irresistible to me. I do however feel powerless in this whole thing. I'm more sad than angry. I feel that I'm being treated unfairly and that it takes such a long time to resolve this.

Another thing that is relevant. Last year at the same time she had emotional meltdown like this one. Lasted 2 months straight, I was already contemplating divorce by the end. Biggest crisis so far in our relationship. In the end, she blamed everything on the pill and stopped using it. Things went back to normal. I still feel a bit resentful of so much hurt and all I get was - sorry, it was the pill. Anyway I talked about vasectomy and she is not sure and somewhat scared of the procedure. She wants to go back to the pill, she hates condoms with passion. I refuse and I have refused continually untill about a month ago when I relented in the middile of sex. Yes, she is on the pill again. I feel so stupid. In total, three or four times she blamed pills for her behaviour with her doctor supporting her and changing types and dosages.

So, questions. I can only change myself and my mentality obviously contributes in this situations. I'm wandering how should I approach this situation now and in the future. She has already refused counselling. She already knows she is the irrational one, my guess is, she doesn't need someone else telling her this. I think that I need to change my approach somehow but I'm stumped - the drive to find out what's wrong and fix it is strong.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

How can you say on one hand that you can only change yourself, and on the other, seek advice to fix this? This sounds serious enough to you to consider ending the relationship.

If she refuses to open up, refuses to go to counseling, and wants it to seemingly fix itself, even though you have no idea what "it" is, you are stuck.

You either have to accept all in the last paragraph, or not. If you do, continue as is. If you don't, hand her two business cards; one to a therapist and one to a lawyer. Tell her it is her choice which one she calls, but she has 48 hours to do so. If she doesn't make any calls, you know what to do.

Oh, and do me a favor. Take a close look at your phone bill just to rule out another man sniffing around. I don't have any indication from your post that there is, but it is a good precautionary step.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

CO, I agree with *Farside *that your W must be willing to resolve this problem if she intends to save the marriage. And I agree with you that you're describing the symptoms (i.e., warning signs) for a hormonal problem -- not a personality disorder. The most common cause for mood changes is a strong hormone change (e.g., as can be caused by PMS, pregnancy, postpartum, perimenopause, and birth control pills). From what you say, her doctor even agrees with her that the mood changes (her irrational behavior, cold withdrawal, and depression) likely are caused by the birth control pills.

I therefore suggest that she have her hormone levels closely monitored by an OB/GYN (obstetrician). If her hormone problem doesn't arise from the birth control pills, it may be more appropriate to see an endocrinologist, i.e., a doctor who treats people suffering from hormonal imbalances, typically from glands in the endocrine system. The goal of such treatment is to restore the normal balance of hormones. 

If a hormone problem is ruled out by the doctors, they likely will recommend that she be evaluated by a psychiatrist for bipolar-2 disorder, which typically causes a mood change once or twice a year. Although it typically develops at age 25, there is a wide variation in the age of onset -- so onset in the mid-30s is not uncommon. Yet, because a hormone change is much more likely, her doctors almost certainly will want to consider it first.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Seriously, you need to tell your wife to "use your words."
You are not a mindreader.
You cannot predict her moods or what will help to ease her "hurt."

She is either clear with you or you're going to go about your day and she can stay upset and frustrated.

Is this how adults communicate? No. This is how children stew and then have a tantrum when they *don't use their words.*

The number 1 component for a healthy marriage is communication. You both need to work on it. It cannot be all up to you.


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## CuriousOne37 (Aug 23, 2017)

farsidejunky said:


> How can you say on one hand that you can only change yourself, and on the other, seek advice to fix this? This sounds serious enough to you to consider ending the relationship.


Actually, I want to deal with this kind of situation better. Divorce is something I've considered last year, that was really bad time for us. I guess one of the problems is that I get really anxious when she is like that. It probably drives my need to fix it as soon as possible. It's very painful for me and I'm not really sure why. It's quite likely that my anxiety is like adding fuel to the fire. This is not our first rodeo. Like I said, the outcome is predictable and I'm not worried that she will leave me. She is adamant that she will not leave me under no circumstances. This is a view I find somewhat wrong but It's hers. Her best friend feels that I should be emotionally firm and unaffected as much as possible. Maybe she is right about that.

I guess I'm giving her some leeway since it's obvious she is very emotional right now and what @Uptown has said - maybe triggered by hormones. 



Satya said:


> Seriously, you need to tell your wife to "use your words."
> You are not a mindreader.
> You cannot predict her moods or what will help to ease her "hurt."
> 
> ...


Yeah, our communication is usually good and we talk about everything but then - this happens. And you're right - it is a tantrum. It's actually a good word. When my son throws a tantrum I usually remain calm and lighthearted, more amused than worried. Perhaps I shouldn't give this situation this much attention until she is more reasonable? Tantrum - yeah, I might throw that word at her when all this passes.

Edit: Telling her to use words when she is like this gets you nowhere. Tried almost every time and I think that I need to talk less when she is like this and perhaps do more.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

"Next hour she proceeded to complain about several issues about the house that I'll never find the time and how she has to keep track of everything and similar stuff."

Well this is her telling you what is wrong. How did you address these things when she told you them?


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## CuriousOne37 (Aug 23, 2017)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> "Next hour she proceeded to complain about several issues about the house that I'll never find the time and how she has to keep track of everything and similar stuff."
> 
> Well this is her telling you what is wrong. How did you address these things when she told you them?


I doubt it. They were small maintenance things. She was lashing out in anger. She has never done something like this over that kind of issues. This is something else. Those things are fixed now but I sulked like a dog that has been beaten with a stick. Not proud of it. Actually, quite ashamed.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I'd wait for the next blow up and use it tell her you're through and I can't deal with this ****ty life anymore. Seriously, don't put up with it. 

If it's really a hormone issue, have her get an IUD and ditch the pills. Do you have kids already? Then get the V. Don't have any kids with this woman, for sure!

"Is the ****ing you're getting worth the ****ing you're taking?" Ask yourself that question, that's how I'm living my life currently.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

CuriousOne37 said:


> I doubt it. They were small maintenance things. She was lashing out in anger. She has never done something like this over that kind of issues. This is something else. Those things are fixed now but I sulked like a dog that has been beaten with a stick. Not proud of it. Actually, quite ashamed.


To me it sounds like she is saying she needs more help and support around the house. She feels like it falls all on her. She shouldn't have to keep on you to fix things. She shouldn't have to "nag" for stuff to get done. She needs a partner in the home. 

It may not specifically be that exact thing that needed fixing but as a whole. I wouldn't dismiss her words so quickly. She is telling you very important information if you listen. If she feels you aren't listening or taking what she says seriously then she won't bother and will just shut down. 

You sulking about doing it would be a very clear reason why she got even more upset. 

There's nothing worse than having to keep on your husband like he's a child to do his "chores" and then have him sulk about it after.


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## CuriousOne37 (Aug 23, 2017)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> To me it sounds like she is saying she needs more help and support around the house.


Like I said, I doubt it. If would have to bet on it - I would say that it has something to do with me and my parents. There were in the past few bad fights between us were she felt I wasn't taking her side enough. Their relationship is mostly good but she is very sensitive if they complain about something. That day, when this all began we were all together in our boat on a trip to a nearby island. But nothing happened there as far as I know, everyone had a good time. She complained once that our son was too long in the water and that she is cold but that's about it. During the trip back I noticed she was a bit distant but I've thought she was tired.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

This is IMO one of the biggest problems in relationships. 

You ask her what's wrong, she tells you that there is so much to do around the house and feels it falls all on her to schedule it and deal with it all. 

You think "nope, that can't be it. Must be emotional problems" 

My ex thought I was just being cranky when I'd explain I had too much to do and he had to help out more. Just having a b*tchy day. It wasn't taken seriously because I was emotional. 

Before she got distant did she ask you to fix these things?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Not clear if this is about the work around the house or something else. If it is about work around the house, do you two divide work fairly evenly? If not, then I don't know how you can guess what it was.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

CuriousOne37 said:


> - Yes, I did something


just a guess...

You left the lid up and she fell into the toilet in the middle of the night. The worse part was that you had really stopped it up, got distracted while going to search for the plunger, and completely forget about it. 

...now that is just a joke. To be serious, you are going to have to get her to talk about it. If she will not open up and communicate on tough issues, things will likely get worse as your relationship moves forwards. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> This is IMO one of the biggest problems in relationships.
> 
> You ask her what's wrong, she tells you that there is so much to do around the house and feels it falls all on her to schedule it and deal with it all.
> 
> ...


This could very well be the case, we certainly see the complaint often enough here. But, don't be fooled into thinking that finishing the honey - do list or cooking or washing the dishes or any other household chores will cure her resentment. As you have already seen it is always too little, too late.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Mr. Nail said:


> This could very well be the case, we certainly see the complaint often enough here. But, don't be fooled into thinking that finishing the honey - do list or cooking or washing the dishes or any other household chores will cure her resentment. As you have already seen it is always too little, too late.


Well yes because often women feel like we shouldn't even have to tell you to do your part around the house. It should be common sense. No one had to tell me that dishes need washing and laundry needs to be washed. Why I should have to tell a grown @ss man is beyond me. And don't get me started on men who wash dishes and then are all "look! I did the dishes for you" No... just no. 
And grumping while doing your work? Not a lot that is less attractive. 

That and often asking in ways before you get to the emotional "nagging" part weren't listened to. 
We get a "yep, ok no problem. When I have the time" and it doesn't get done. 

So yes, once you are in the emotional, conflict stage of things it is sometimes too little too late. Because we have lost respect, lost trust and are tired of living with a man child and really don't feel like giving you a cookie because you finally did what you were supposed to be doing all along. 

Always do your part from the start and you never end up here.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

My elderly wife has severe allergy problems and takes all kinds of medications.

She is a medical professional and treats herself...

Prednisone makes her, well.....mean and irrational. 

Everything bothers her. I cannot speak to her. She gets agitated about bugs biting her. No bugs in the house.

My point: Drugs affect the mind, sometimes badly.

Frankly, the Sun is at his wits-end. My wit is vast, that tells you something, Eh?


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Well yes because often women feel like we shouldn't even have to tell you to do your part around the house. It should be common sense. No one had to tell me that dishes need washing and laundry needs to be washed. Why I should have to tell a grown @ss man is beyond me. And don't get me started on men who wash dishes and then are all "look! I did the dishes for you" No... just no.
> 
> And grumping while doing your work? Not a lot that is less attractive.
> 
> ...




QFT.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I really doubt this is about housework or division of chores. . 

She's bottling up her emotions because she's a poor communicator. When you push her enough, she reaches a breaking point and lashes out in anger. Instead of telling you what's really bothering her she starts spewing a laundry list of "perceived slights", never really addressing the real issue. It's a pretty common distraction mechanism for people who can't communicate well.

And she can't take meds that turn her into a psycho for TWO MONTHS and then expect to fix it all with a single "I'm sorry." For what it's worth, I don't think the meds are really the problem. More likely that she's stunted emotionally and possibly has some personality issues going on.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

She did communicate. He didn't believe it was the problem and then did it while grumping and sulking and then she was - surprise - even more mad. She says it all falls on her to plan and schedule everything and he has no time to do things (but can go boating with his family)
That's a problem that needs addressing regardless of how crappy he thinks she communicates. 

I hated being pushed as to why I was upset. He should have known considering how many friggen times I told him. No, F it if he couldn't figure it out by that time I'm not bothering telling him again. I didn't want to have to ask in the first place. See something that needs doing? Do it. Maybe spending the day with his family when there was work to do at home wasn't appealing to her. 

Believing what she actually says will get him a lot further than thinking she's just emotional and unstable.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> She did communicate.


Not really. He had to ask repeatedly for FOUR DAYS before she finally rattled off her list of housework complaints. That's hardly effective communication.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Duplicate post


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Believing what she actually says will get him a lot further than thinking she's just emotional and unstable.


I'm very big on believing what you are told. But, it won't get him any farther for the reasons that you have already stated so well. It has nothing to do with stability and everything to do with grudge holding. If she wants out she could communicate it in plain language. What she really wants is her pound of flesh, and another one next week, and . . . .


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Satya said:


> Seriously, you need to tell your wife to "use your words."
> You are not a mindreader.
> You cannot predict her moods or what will help to ease her "hurt."
> 
> ...


^^This. I can't stand this kind of behaviour. I expect it from a toddler, not an adult. If someone pulls this crap with me they get told to put their big boy/girl pants on and talk it over with me, or get over it. I don't cater to or engage with that kind of behaviour.

That is not how adults are supposed to behave.


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## CuriousOne37 (Aug 23, 2017)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> She did communicate. He didn't believe it was the problem and then did it while grumping and sulking and then she was - surprise - even more mad. She says it all falls on her to plan and schedule everything and he has no time to do things (but can go boating with his family)
> That's a problem that needs addressing regardless of how crappy he thinks she communicates.


No, she didn't. If you reread my first post, notice how one day AFTER lashing out she reiterated that she won't be telling me what's wrong.


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## CuriousOne37 (Aug 23, 2017)

frusdil said:


> If someone pulls this crap with me they get told to put their big boy/girl pants on and talk it over with me, or get over it. I don't cater to or engage with that kind of behaviour.


This seems like the best idea so far. If she is so keen keeping this issue to herself - she can have it. I'm not really interested in asking what's wrong anymore. I think it was a mistake trying for 7 days straight to get her to talk, big mistake. Emotional masochism inflicted to me by me. 

As for the update - She is, I guess, is in making amends phase. Pushing for sex, touching me, smiling, making me a new dish, dressing up for a walk in nature and giving me a lot of attention. I'm still very much sad but glad it's over at least. I'm still not sure whether I should let it go or should I demand an explanation or should I impose some consequences to reestablish what is acceptable behaviour for me.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

CuriousOne37 said:


> This seems like the best idea so far. If she is so keen keeping this issue to herself - she can have it. I'm not really interested in asking what's wrong anymore. I think it was a mistake trying for 7 days straight to get her to talk, big mistake. Emotional masochism inflicted to me by me.
> 
> As for the update - She is, I guess, is in making amends phase. Pushing for sex, touching me, smiling, making me a new dish, dressing up for a walk in nature and giving me a lot of attention. I'm still very much sad but glad it's over at least. I'm still not sure whether I should let it go or should I demand an explanation or should I impose some consequences to reestablish what is acceptable behaviour for me.


What I have found with women,and men to a certain extent is when they have been giving you the silent treatment for a while they suddenly realise how stupid they are being and how meaningless their reason for sulking was.But instead of explaining or apologising they start to act as if everything is fine again and they have forgiven YOU for whatever imaginary transgressions you may have committed.
Next time put your foot down and tell her either explain what exactly her problem is or else you will see a lawyer because you can't live your life like this.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

CuriousOne37 said:


> I doubt it. They were small maintenance things. She was lashing out in anger. She has never done something like this over that kind of issues. This is something else. Those things are fixed now but I sulked like a dog that has been beaten with a stick. Not proud of it. Actually, quite ashamed.


Well there you have it. 

1. you dismiss her concerns
2. You minimised them whcih means in her mind you are dismissing her and minimising her too (Read Every Man's Marriage by Stephen Arterburn, et al)
3. You made her feel bad by sulking which shows her that you don't care about the things that matter to her ( a big problem in any marriage)

I suggest you have issues too and should both get IC to become better people and know how to handle these issues

Also she needs her hormones checked.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

aine said:


> Well there you have it.
> 
> 1. you dismiss her concerns
> 2. You minimised them whcih means in her mind you are dismissing her and minimising her too (Read Every Man's Marriage by Stephen Arterburn, et al)
> ...


Exactly. It's no wonder she won't tell him what's wrong. When she does she's not taken seriously. 

Trust me I have had emotional breakdowns that I am not proud of because I was not listened to. I felt like crying and screaming and in the end was just quiet because there was no point. I had a meltdown one time over dishes cause it had all built up so much I couldn't take it anymore. 

Not doing your part around the house is so so much more than just not doing chores. It can hurt deep. The lack of respect and not being a partner. It's feeling taken for granted and not important.


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## CuriousOne37 (Aug 23, 2017)

@aine

The only thing I'm dismissing is the notion that house maintenance is the reason behind this episode. Like I've said, she confirmed it's something I did, not something I didn't do.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> She did communicate. He didn't believe it was the problem and then did it while grumping and sulking and then she was - surprise - even more mad. She says it all falls on her to plan and schedule everything and he has no time to do things (but can go boating with his family)
> That's a problem that needs addressing regardless of how crappy he thinks she communicates.
> 
> I hated being pushed as to why I was upset. He should have known considering how many friggen times I told him. No, F it if he couldn't figure it out by that time I'm not bothering telling him again. I didn't want to have to ask in the first place. See something that needs doing? Do it. Maybe spending the day with his family when there was work to do at home wasn't appealing to her.
> ...










[/url]via Imgflip Meme Generator[/IMG]

What people say v what they really mean:-

"You did not treat me right, today!" ("Boy! That server at the supermarket was rude to me this morning.")
"You never give me any respect!" ("Why was that coworker so hostile today?")

And so it goes. My wife does this. She will have a go at me for nothing and it was only after several years that I realised that she had got into a fight with a coworker, been treated badly by a shop assistant, got into an argument with someone, etc.

And she would take it out on me later on in the day. 

I no longer rise to the bait.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I'm beginning to see why so many WAW spouses say "she didn't even tell me what's wrong!"

Well no, cause when she did you didn't care. When our voices are dismissed, we stop using them. 

I would like to know how many times the household fixing and it "all falling on her" had come up even casually before this breakdown. And if it's going to have to get to breakdown level again before he does the next task. 

And "all falling on her" is super important. How many other things? Grocery lists? School planning? Paperwork doing? Schedule planning? Maintenance schedules? Child care? Having to tell her husband what needs done? 

Truly caring for a household is so much more than dishes and laundry and I don't think some see and understand all the work it takes. It's overwhelming and exhausting and if you see your "partner" not putting in their fair share it is infuriating. 

If he is sulking while doing one job when she feels everything has fallen on her to take care of and manage, well I'd have a mini breakdown too. And no, I'm not discussing it anymore with him. 

Ftr I went on meds because I just couldn't handle it. I was so emotionally frayed and he thought I was just losing it. I legit could not deal with him not doing his part and only finally doing anything when I nagged him long enough to the point of having to yell and cry before he'd get it. Oh and then starting the cycle all over because he thought it was fixed when he washed a dish one time. 

I remember one time crying in the shower, like ugly couldnt breathe cry because another weekend went by without him doing what I needed him to. By that point there was no talking to him about it anymore.


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## RideofmyLife (Dec 18, 2015)

keep in mind also, that "something you did" could also be, in her mind, something that you didn't do.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> "Next hour she proceeded to complain about several issues about the house that I'll never find the time and how she has to keep track of everything and similar stuff."
> 
> Well this is her telling you what is wrong. How did you address these things when she told you them?


She probably wasn't telling him what he did wrong this time. It probably is that she is feeling the same way as when those other things happened, which is why she's bringing them up, because they are triggering the same emotions. I'm guessing there is something else he said he'd do that he didn't, so she feels disappointed in him and like she can't rely on him to keep his word. He failed to pull the details out of her, which she obviously wanted to talk about but needed him to show he cared enough to not take no for an answer. Communication can be difficult when neither side knows what to do.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

You did "something" but she is not going to tell you? Then tell her to put up or shut up. How are you supposed to know what is bothering her if she won't tell you what it is. I would tell her you are not mind reader and if she doesn't tell you, then not to act that way. And if she continue to act that way to get the hell out because you are not going to put up with it. This is one of those things I read and get so ticked about when I hear the "you go girl!" crowd chime in about how they "told him for years, but he didn't listen"


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

RideofmyLife said:


> keep in mind also, that "something you did" could also be, in her mind, something that you didn't do.


Or maybe she expects him to do this?










CLUE: Sometimes we can guess what you mean. But we can never, ever really read your mind.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I'm beginning to see why so many WAW spouses say "she didn't even tell me what's wrong!"
> 
> Well no, cause when she did you didn't care. When our voices are dismissed, we stop using them.
> 
> ...



I'm with you on this. I have been in the same position, full time job, kids, and everything at home fell on me, cooking, cleaning, ironing, I was lucky if he did gardening. So I got a live in housekeeper after 18 months of commuting, working, domestic, kids, etc enough was enough. I was lucky, we could afford it. In other countries, he would vacuum, iron, etc but when he returned to his home country, everything stopped, although he worked long hours, I didn't so I got everything. It does make for a very very unhappy marriage, esp when they couldn't give a damn really.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I'm beginning to see why so many WAW spouses say "she didn't even tell me what's wrong!"
> 
> Well no, cause when she did you didn't care. When our voices are dismissed, we stop using them.
> 
> ...


Boy oh boy talk about not listening. You have been told by the OP as well as by several of the other posters that SHE DID NOT TELL HIM WHAT WAS WRONG!!!! The OP had to ask for FOUR days before she gave him a list of minor complaints!. Stop projecting!


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

aine said:


> I'm with you on this. I have been in the same position, full time job, kids, and everything at home fell on me, cooking, cleaning, ironing, I was lucky if he did gardening. So I got a live in housekeeper after 18 months of commuting, working, domestic, kids, etc enough was enough. I was lucky, we could afford it. In other countries, he would vacuum, iron, etc but when he returned to his home country, everything stopped, although he worked long hours, I didn't so I got everything. It does make for a very very unhappy marriage, esp when they couldn't give a damn really.


Let's see, he worked long hours but you didn't. You were lucky if he did the gardening (implying you had a garden to tend to) so you were able to hire a housekeeper (not a gardener) but a housekeeper, to relieve YOU of your stress. No mention of hiring a gardener to help him with his, because as you said he worked long hours. Oh and you expected him to vacuum, iron etc, despite the fact that he worked long hours? No wonder some guys are blind sided and say she never told them. It sounds like you had all the expectations and took care of your needs, but since he didn't meet your expectations you gave him the boot. Read what the OP said - she never told him. He begged her for 4 days. Not only that but she actually told him she wouldn't tell him - I guess being mind reader is an expectation that modern women have for men?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Ynot said:


> Boy oh boy talk about not listening. You have been told by the OP as well as by several of the other posters that SHE DID NOT TELL HIM WHAT WAS WRONG!!!! The OP had to ask for FOUR days before she gave him a list of minor complaints!. Stop projecting!


4 days of being upset before she told him what's wrong and then was treated as though that wasn't the issue and he *sulked *while doing it tells me she's been there before and didn't want to bother going through it again. 

Trust that no woman alive wants to have to tell her husband what needs done and have him sulk about it. I highly doubt OP didn't notice those things needed doing, her even having to point them out as things he should be doing is already a problem. 
We aren't your Mom, we don't want to have to tell you to do basic household tasks. We want you to just do your job without us having to micromanage it all. 

Regardless of her being crap at communicating, this issue will damage their marriage if not fixed.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Ynot said:


> Let's see, he worked long hours but you didn't. You were lucky if he did the gardening (implying you had a garden to tend to) so you were able to hire a housekeeper (not a gardener) but a housekeeper, to relieve YOU of your stress. No mention of hiring a gardener to help him with his, because as you said he worked long hours. Oh and you expected him to vacuum, iron etc, despite the fact that he worked long hours? No wonder some guys are blind sided and say she never told them. It sounds like you had all the expectations and took care of your needs, but since he didn't meet your expectations you gave him the boot. Read what the OP said - she never told him. He begged her for 4 days. Not only that but she actually told him she wouldn't tell him - I guess being mind reader is an expectation that modern women have for men?


Taking chores out of it since a lot of people don't think it's a big deal

Picture a husband wanting sex from his wife. It always falls on him to plan it and do everything and she barely does a thing. Starfish sex. Instead of doing it one weekend you spend the day with her family. You're upset but you don't want to have the "we don't have sex fight" maybe you've had that fight already, maybe you're waiting to see if she will finally do things on her own and show some initiative to want to fix it. 4 days later after pushing you finally explode with what you are upset about, she does it and SULKS the entire time acting like a, that's not even what you're mad about cause sex isn't even important anyway and b, like a baby having to do a chore. Now you're super mad and don't even want to discuss it anymore. In fact, she should know why you are upset so no, you aren't going to give her a point by point list of how disrespectful that was of her to act like that.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> 4 days of being upset before she told him what's wrong and then was treated as though that wasn't the issue and he *sulked *while doing it tells me she's been there before and didn't want to bother going through it again.
> 
> Trust that no woman alive wants to have to tell her husband what needs done and have him sulk about it. I highly doubt OP didn't notice those things needed doing, her even having to point them out as things he should be doing is already a problem.
> We aren't your Mom, we don't want to have to tell you to do basic household tasks. We want you to just do your job without us having to micromanage it all.
> ...


I agree that the issue of her being crap at communicating will (has) damage(d) the marriage. But the rest of your post is pure speculation. But don't let that stop you from blaming the H, he should be able to read minds. You might also noticed that she didn't ask him if he was too busy or too tired or otherwise engaged to do the things she said weren't done. And finally you might consider the fact that she told him it was something he DID not something he did NOT do. So yeah, maybe she should learn to communicate better, because besides wives not wanting to be our moms, husbands don't want to be mind readers either.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

CuriousOne37 said:


> Hi all.
> 
> So, I'm 37 and she is 35. We have a son of 6.
> 
> ...



Understand the silent treatment is abusive and passive aggressive. Suggest she find help with here communication skills. If she refuses advise you will not live this way and prepare to D.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Yeswecan said:


> Understand the silent treatment is* abusive and passive aggressive*. Suggest she find help with here communication skills. If she refuses advise you will not live this way and prepare to D.


Bada bing, Bada Boom. If a Man had done this it would have been in the first response. Of course it will soon be shouted down now.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Mr. Nail said:


> Bada bing, Bada Boom. If a Man had done this it would have been in the first response. Of course it will soon be shouted down now.


Yep because the guy is always supposed to hear, regardless of how the message is communicated. He just should have known!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Ynot said:


> Let's see, he worked long hours but you didn't. You were lucky if he did the gardening (implying you had a garden to tend to) so you were able to hire a housekeeper (not a gardener) but a housekeeper, to relieve YOU of your stress. No mention of hiring a gardener to help him with his, because as you said he worked long hours. Oh and you expected him to vacuum, iron etc, despite the fact that he worked long hours? No wonder some guys are blind sided and say she never told them. It sounds like you had all the expectations and took care of your needs, but since he didn't meet your expectations you gave him the boot. Read what the OP said - she never told him. He begged her for 4 days. Not only that but she actually told him she wouldn't tell him - I guess being mind reader is an expectation that modern women have for men?


I wanted to hire a gardener (we only have a small garden anyway and now the housekeeper likes to potter around there as she has nothing much to do) , he said no! I didn't expect him to do everything, but do something instead of lying watching TV at the weekends or going golfing, I had no such luxury, worked all day, came home cooked, laundry cleaning, kids , etc. I didn't get the chance to watch movies, go golfing, (I golf, but gave up because I didn't have the time due to the household). I also commuted long hours, (2 hours every day). I also studied part time while working full time with my job!

So please forgive me if I disagree with everything you are saying. Golf games are at least 4 hours then another with the guys, so could be 5-6 hours of the day gone, I didn't have the luxury of me time then, hence the housekeeper. In addition he would get pissed off because I was stressed and blamed me for having high expectations when it came to the house.
Only I wasn't on TAM I would have let him do his own laundry, and cook his own food and have sex with himself also.

He is Asian and what pissed me off is that when we lived in Europe he was amazing, cooking, laundry, vacuuming, etc (we both worked) how come go to Asia then suddenly it's all my responsibility?


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## CuriousOne37 (Aug 23, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> Understand the silent treatment is abusive and passive aggressive. Suggest she find help with here communication skills. If she refuses advise you will not live this way and prepare to D.


While I understand that it's my responsibility to communicate which behaviors I find unacceptable and that I need to act if she crosses that line. However, preparing for divorce seems too drastic. I have already said that this is rare occurrence, maybe once a year right now. Last year was closest we have come to a divorce since I was emotionally exhausted and tired of her doing nothing about it. I did say in effect that we need to resolve this one way or the other. Not long after that she blamed it all on the pill. Only 6 months after that episode she acknowledged that she hurt me and apologized. Still, the damage has been done of mentioning possible divorce - she is now a lot more insecure in our relationship. She is afraid that I'll leave her eventually.


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## CuriousOne37 (Aug 23, 2017)

Perhaps, an overall view of the relationship will be helpful.

Our son was born with health difficulties which made our lives really hard for the first three years of his life. She quit her job as a teacher to be with him. She cared about him while I was working and doing most of the house chores. I did fall in love with cooking in that time. We both slept poorly. He is 6 now and healthy for last 3 years. He does suffer occasional fever, cold or an infection but generally he is a great kid. He is going to kindergarten to socialize with the other kids.

However she became a homebody. She sometimes talks about finding a job but she has no idea what she wants to do and AFAIK has done nothing in last 2 years to find a job except to register as unemployed for some benefits. This is not a big issue since we live quite comfortably with my salary. My job is tough but it pays well. She stopped seeing her friends and generally doesn't go out without us. We have few couples who have kids our sons age which we hang out and that is her whole social circle. She was not like this before.

One issue that we have is that she is afraid and reluctant to drive so all driving is on me. Generally they usually both wait for me to come home from work and then we all are going grocery shopping, doctor visits or any other activity. This is sometimes exhausting for me since I have little time to rest and unwind from work but if I try to suggest that they go without me, she would more often than not just cancel any plans. I want to buy her a small car but she doesn't want to.

Aside from poor communication one big issue is that she doesn't see the importance of us spending time alone. For her, family time and us time is the same. So, we don't do date nights or anything like that. She just doesn't want to and argues. She is happy to go out as family. Sex is limited because of this, she doesn't reject me often but I have to choose between a morning quicky (her preference) or a late night sex when we're both tired. 

She does have an issue with me forgetting stuff but she acknowledges that my job is tough and that I have way, way less free time than her. The compromise is that she texts me stuff that needs to be done so I don't forger and that works well.

Overall she is quite the passive person and actively tries to avoid any responsibility. She wants me to make decisions even on things where she is more knowledgeable than me.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Is she suffering from depression?


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## CuriousOne37 (Aug 23, 2017)

No, I don't believe she is. She does have a complex and intense emotional life that is sometimes exhausting for her but overall there are far more good days than bad. She is not a lazy person by any means.


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## msrv23 (Jul 14, 2017)

It seems that she needs some fixing herself? Sounds like she hasn't been in a happy place besides hormones. But she has to acknowledge and change it by herself. If she cares for herself and your marriage she has to fix her issues.

Often overreactions are more than just the situation itself. There are more buried issues subtly related. It could be her issues that she is much more reactive and negative.


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