# Wife Infidelity Issue - Advice Please



## Burk15 (May 31, 2017)

Talk About Marriage Forum,

Thank you for reading this and hopefully helping guide me through the most difficult time in my life. 
Background: I am married to my high school sweetheart. We got married at 23 and for the first three years of marriage there were no problems. We never fought; it felt perfect. I am in the military which can be stressful because I am gone all the time. My wife has a good job at a local university, working in admissions. Over the last year (while I was gone), my wife started a relationship with a coworker. It was frustrating of course, but I figured it was just a quick thing like they got drunk, I was gone, she was sad, and whatever. About a year later, it has continued when I looked through her phone. She also told me they were hooking up from January-March. She says it is over, but it was supposedly over in January too.
She has consistently lied to me about the whole thing. It is frustrating because I do not think she will ever come clean about what actually happened (how many times, what she was seeking, and why). I try to talk to her about it, and she shuts down. The only thing I have gotten out of her is that this guy is the opposite of me (foreign, tatted up, kind of has that bad boy vibe). I am a clean cut, class president, service academy grad, Catholic, college athlete. Also, she claims that she was never “single” and never got to live life on her own. It is my fault because we have travelled around for my career, not hers. She says, “This guy needs me. You don’t need me.” She claims that it is not about this guy, but rather, it is her seeking an alternative life. She says it is like one path, you have everything, money, kids, a nice house, you know you will be safe. The other path, you are just living day to day without any direction. 
We went to a marriage and family therapist, but she continued to see this other guy. Currently, I am seeing 2 different therapists, trying to salvage maybe some light from the situation, but they both are kind of annoyed of me because they keep telling me that my wife needs to join and we both need to be working on this marriage.
I have done a ton of reading on the subject; it has consumed my thoughts for the last year, but I need some advice because I cannot talk to my friends or family about it because I do not want them to judge my wife if we do stay together. 
I just would like some honest truth because on one side it is like yes, I can definitely see us together forever, I have, and our families are so close, but on the other side, I think like hey I am 27, my wife cheated on me several times, we have no kids, she is not going to change (it’s been a year of poor choices), it is time to leave before things get more complicated. Let me know what you think. I really appreciate any constructive thoughts.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Your wife simply has not matured to the point of understanding how to be in a committed relationship. If she is the same age as you then the chances of her maturing beyond her present state is very doubtful. Her poor choices, as you put it, are the best she can do with her intellect. She simply is not capable of rationally reasoned thought and you assuming she is is delusional on your part. 

At 27 you will have plenty of time to find a woman that is mature, trustworthy and ready for a serious relationship. I caution you against investing too much time into this relationship and realizing later that you have wasted years waiting for your W to be monogamous. She is too immature to understand love. Currently her true love is herself, you are an afterthought, if that. Give her the freedom to be with the man that "needs her" and you go find a woman that cares for you as much as you do her.


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## Burk15 (May 31, 2017)

NoChoice,

Thank you for the quick reply. Yes, she is also 27. I appreciate some good honest feedback!

Regards,

Burk15


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Burk15,

If the OM is military you can report him to the IG.

OM should be exposed extensively.

Tamat


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

My wife made the mistake of letting a guy have sex with her once, after we were married for 4 years. She confessed the day it happened, and tears streaming she begged me to forgive her, cried more, held me, promised the moon, anything. I wasn't that upset about it, except I wanted to know why she allowed that to happen when she was supposedly very happy with our sex life.

My wife walked through fire for 18 months before I finally forgave her, but it was the lies that nearly killed our relationship. 

And that was just a one off thing.

And in the end the only reason I kept her is because she was diagnosed by a shrink as one sick puppy. We manage her illness now. She is totally on board with the management. 

Your wife is not on board with anything. She is a liar, and keeps right on cheating. I can't see what you have to save. Why are you even considering trying to save your marriage? Your wife's heart is in the wrong place, and she does not love you. There is nothing there to save. Get out.

That's my take on it, anyways.


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## dawnabon (Mar 11, 2017)

If you don't have kids, and you want them, run like your ass is on fire. If you don't want kids, then no rush, if you realize later that you are unhappy you can just leave, but if you have kids with this woman, you'll be tied to a lying cheater forever and never be able to make a clean break. And that is miserable. 

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I think every moment you waste on this lost cause is a moment you could be out finding something better. 27, no kids, successful and a lifetime ahead of you. She was your collage sweethearts so maybe you don't know how much better you life can be. There are hundreds of thousands of faithful women out there who will give you a better life then this cheater could. Who would be a better mother. If you ever meet a women who is an asset to you, you will be kicking yourself for wasting so much time on her. 

The thing that is most interesting about your post is you wife had completely disrespected you over and over and you describe it as "frustrating". Um it's should be a little more the frustrating. If this is the strongest terms you had for this then something is not right because this is not a healthy reaction. 

So maybe I am pulling this all out of my ass but I wonder if being a class president, athlete, military how much investment do you have in being a nice guy? Being a people pleaser. Look up the book "No more Mr nice guy." Nice guys get abused. You have been repeatedly abused and your response is, it's frustrating? I am not saying call your wife names but I am saying you should be outraged by you poor treatment. You should be long gone. Is the thought of being seen as divorced part of what is holding you back? After all sounds like you were a high achever, divorce may not mix well with how you see yourself.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

It takes two to make the marriage work, you can't do it alone.

she has done more than cheated she has lied continuously,and is gaslighting you in blaming you for her reason in cheating. It is not your fault she is the one that keeps pulling her panties down.

Have you even told her she needs to go to therapy with you to save the marriage? If so what is her excuse for not going? She should feel very grateful you even want to give her another chance.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

First and foremost i am sorry that you are here and that you are dealing with this...that said my fear is that you are trying to find a way to fix this and carry the marriage to some normalcy, but here is the brutal reality that a father to a son would say, you can not fix her, she is a serial cheater who lies and is disrepscting your marriage and more importantly you every time she opens her mouth, and tells you she loves you and wants to be with you....you can not fix what is not yours to fix...she needs to and guess what your not important enough that she wants to do that...she i am going to tell you what everyone else on here will say move on and save yourself...move on and find someone who will be faithful and will love you only....or stay like this for years, have kids that may not be yours and live in doubt which will eat you away, and cause you ulcers, and other illnessness. After all don't you think your worth it.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

You're a military officer...a leader.

You know when when a young soldier/sailor/airman/marine needs nurturing and they simply need court martial/ separation from service. You know that while your humanity has you crying for the former, the good of everyone else may demand the latter. 

You know you have to make the right choice, even if it hurts. 

While you shoul never treat your spouse as you would a military subordinate, the same principle about knowing when to nurture and when to kick ass applies perfectly right here. She had given you everything you need to make the right call and that is kicking ass and taking names.

How would your troops view you if they knew you allowed, and even invited, such disrespect?


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

My wife said... now, please realize my wife is pretty edgy. She says if you don't file for divorce tomorrow it's probably because you are getting some sort of sexual charge from letting your wife have sex with other guys while you stand by helplessly. She thinks your wife must think that of you, too.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

You need to dump her ASAP. She is your enemy now.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Burk: Your old lady has deceptively and unremorsefully cheated on you on a continuous basis! And by her own admission she continues to see the lout! Add to the equation that you have no kids together!

What more of an excuse do you need to drop her like a hot rock? She doesn't even begin to deserve the likes of you!

I say, to give her "the air!"*


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

You're seeing 2 therapists and she's still banging her boyfriend because he needs her.

You're 27 years old. Why on earth would you want to put burp with this. If I got it right you have stood by for a year while she continues to sleep with him. What on earth are you trying to save??? This open marriage she has you in that you did not sign up for???

It takes two to reconcile. You cannot reconcile with someone who is still cheating so stop paying any attention to this nonsense she is babbling to you.

You do not need advice. You need an attorney.


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## Burk15 (May 31, 2017)

WilliamM, hahahaha thank you for your wife's input. I am not quite as edgy as her!


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## Burk15 (May 31, 2017)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> You're a military officer...a leader.
> 
> You know when when a young soldier/sailor/airman/marine needs nurturing and they simply need court martial/ separation from service. You know that while your humanity has you crying for the former, the good of everyone else may demand the latter.
> 
> ...


Very interesting perspective. Thank you! I have had to take junior Sailors in my unit to court because they made a mistake in marriage.


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## Burk15 (May 31, 2017)

TAMAT said:


> Burk15,
> 
> If the OM is military you can report him to the IG.
> 
> ...


Oh believe me. I would have headed down that route if that were the case. Neither of the adulterers are in the military.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

You need to expose your wife's infidelity to your family and her family. Part of the excitement for her is the secrecy. The taboo part of it makes it more fun.

She needs to have consequences for what she has done or she will do it over and over again for as long as you are married. Exposing the affair to everyone is part of the consequences. You leaving her is another consequence that she needs to feel. You need to leave for at least a couple of months.

Once you have exposed and have left her, her actions will tell you what you need to know. She will do one of these two things:

1) She will apologize to everyone and beg for your forgiveness. This will tell you that after a break, you could start a relationship with her. Don't take her back immediately. Make her earn it.

2) She will blame the affair on you and stay with the other guy. This will tell you that you made the right decision to leave her.

My guess is she will do the latter. At your age, even though you don't realize it now, it would be the best thing to happen to you.


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## Burk15 (May 31, 2017)

sokillme said:


> I think every moment you waste on this lost cause is a moment you could be out finding something better. 27, no kids, successful and a lifetime ahead of you. She was your collage sweethearts so maybe you don't know how much better you life can be. There are hundreds of thousands of faithful women out there who will give you a better life then this cheater could. Who would be a better mother. If you ever meet a women who is an asset to you, you will be kicking yourself for wasting so much time on her.
> 
> The thing that is most interesting about your post is you wife had completely disrespected you over and over and you describe it as "frustrating". Um it's should be a little more the frustrating. If this is the strongest terms you had for this then something is not right because this is not a healthy reaction.
> 
> So maybe I am pulling this all out of my ass but I wonder if being a class president, athlete, military how much investment do you have in being a nice guy? Being a people pleaser. Look up the book "No more Mr nice guy." Nice guys get abused. You have been repeatedly abused and your response is, it's frustrating? I am not saying call your wife names but I am saying you should be outraged by you poor treatment. You should be long gone. Is the thought of being seen as divorced part of what is holding you back? After all sounds like you were a high achever, divorce may not mix well with how you see yourself.


Thank you for the suggestion on the book. I heard the first chapter on Amazon and promptly ordered it. This sounds exactly like me! In my marriage, I do the exact thing. I do probably 80% of the chores, errands, bills etc. because I want my wife to know how much I care about her, and I expected love in return.
And yes, the whole divorced thing is really tough for me, religiously and emotionally. Very very few divorces in my large family. I feel like I am letting my parents, my in-laws even, and a lot of other people down. This is why I needed to bring these to a non-bias crowd who sees it with no emotional attachment to me or my wife. I really appreciate ALL of the responses!


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## Burk15 (May 31, 2017)

SadSamIAm said:


> You need to expose your wife's infidelity to your family and her family. Part of the excitement for her is the secrecy. The taboo part of it makes it more fun.
> 
> She needs to have consequences for what she has done or she will do it over and over again for as long as you are married. Exposing the affair to everyone is part of the consequences. You leaving her is another consequence that she needs to feel. You need to leave for at least a couple of months.
> 
> ...


I told her family after the first time she had intercourse with the guy (they do not know that it continued on for months after). It only made her shut off more. I do want her to not have a family after all of this.
I have not talked to my parents about it because I know my parents would not be very unforgiving towards her.
Another point I want to emphasize is that she "says" it is not about this 1 guy. It is not her leaving me for him. It is her seeking something else or someone who needs her for support. Crazy because the harder I tried to be successful, give her everything, the less attractive I have become!


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

Burk15 - I know this is hard. Please understand that you think you see your college sweetheart. She is no longer this person. She is just someone you used to know.

Please tell your family and hers. There is no reason to go this alone.

If you are paying any of her expenses like cellphone or credit card, end this immediately. Make sure your pay goes into an account only you control.

Burk15 I have been on this planet a long time. I've seen many things. Your best option is to divorce and continue on with your life as you have no kids.

Burk15 you are a 27 year old service academy grad. You are probably very physically fit too. In my hometown I could introduce you to some of the most attractive yet honorable women you could imagine. They would die to meet someone like you. Why would you want to settle for a gaslighting liar that won't even consider counseling? You have too much going for you.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Burk15 said:


> Thank you for the suggestion on the book. I heard the first chapter on Amazon and promptly ordered it. This sounds exactly like me! In my marriage, I do the exact thing. I do probably 80% of the chores, errands, bills etc. because I want my wife to know how much I care about her, and I expected love in return.
> And yes, the whole divorced thing is really tough for me, religiously and emotionally. Very very few divorces in my large family. I feel like I am letting my parents, my in-laws even, and a lot of other people down. This is why I needed to bring these to a non-bias crowd who sees it with no emotional attachment to me or my wife. I really appreciate ALL of the responses!


The first thing you have to do is start living your life for you. Not to live up to everyone's expectations. In the end only you will be judged on your decisions. Contrary to what some believe you have a responsibility to not allow yourself to be abused. God gave you a life and you have a responsibility to protect it, not to let someone take advantage of it. 

You have lived you life in other area's to the fullest it seems. In this case with this women you met a not fully developed person, as you were not when you met her. You made a poor choice partly because of that, and this women grew into something that you didn't expect. Most people have had this happen to them at least once in life. Some fall out is worse then others, in your case you are still starting out with no kids or responsibilities to this woman. Truthfully you were very lucky. 

It's OK, life is about learning from mistakes. Your wife was a mistake, don't compound this by stubbornly holding onto it. Your whole life is ahead of you. Stop looking back and push forward. Being in the service you know that there are times when the strategic decision is to loose a battle so you can win the war. Now is the time to fall back my friend, cut your losses and heal for the next chapter in your life.


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## Quality (Apr 26, 2016)

Burk15 said:


> Thank you for the suggestion on the book. I heard the first chapter on Amazon and promptly ordered it. This sounds exactly like me! In my marriage, I do the exact thing. I do probably 80% of the chores, errands, bills etc. because I want my wife to know how much I care about her, and I expected love in return.
> And yes, the whole divorced thing is really tough for me, religiously and emotionally. Very very few divorces in my large family. I feel like I am letting my parents, my in-laws even, and a lot of other people down. This is why I needed to bring these to a non-bias crowd who sees it with no emotional attachment to me or my wife. I really appreciate ALL of the responses!


Not everyone here is particularly "non-biased". For example, Sokillme has never been a betrayed spouse and has no idea what it's like to be in your shoes and he posts here with a "there is no hope ~ recovery is impossible and everyone should divorce agenda". 

There are many divorced betrayed husband's here that feel the same way; but, at least they personally experienced the circumstances and understand your mindset and decision tree a lot better.

Deciding to divorce is a big deal. Marriage matters. Against all odds I busted up my wife's affair and recovered my marriage two decades ago and my wife and I, through our church and a private Christian forum have helped countless others through this ordeal. Some successfully recovered and some successfully divorced.

It's your life and the decision is yours. Most of the time at your age and when there are no children involved it is actually wise to divorce. But military marriages are hard and infidelity is rampant so there is no guarantee that the next "marriage" will be any better than the one you've got. I believe people can change and you can lead your wife out of this darkness. There is hope but that doesn't guarantee your wife will ever get on board with such. 

What I recommend in these situations is working a plan towards reconciliation until you know for sure what the right choice for you is {and it often becomes very clear in the process}. Step one is to bust up the affair and establish "no contact with OM for life". Your primary weapon is exposure. You don't sit back in fear scared of upsetting her. Everyone {family ~ friends ~ pastor} should be told what your wife is doing and ask for their support and any influence they can exert to get your wife {or OM} to end it. You can't fix or work on anything with another man involved. Your wife will get mad about exposure but that's a good thing. Means you hit your mark. Once that is achieved, you commence on a marital recovery plan. 

Recovery is a muti year process requiring change of both parties to make your marriage incredible. The biggest problem I see is that your wife has boundary issues and if you are going to continue in the military and spending nights apart you won't be able to hold her accountable. 

I'm stopping now - this website is just not working right.

edit - here's a good article on exposure I quickly looked up instead of trying to type out more with everything I'm typing being on delay. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8112_exposed.html


I did want to also point out that while reading NMMNG take note of the fact the author was in full blown wayward mode when he wrote that book after cheating on his second wife with a co-worker in his counseling practice {he dedicated the book to that affair partner who, if you read his website, he ended up breaking up with thereafter. He had an affair and abandoned his first wife as well. The entire book, while containing some truths, is really just his rationalizations and justifications for leaving his wives {whom he just never should have married ~ but he's such a nice guy and did it anyway}. Always kind of bugs me to see betrayed spouses giving their money to this wayward doctor completely unaware of the wake of marital and familial destruction and pain he's left in his wake. Search for a pdf copy online for free and return the book.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Burk15 said:


> She says, “This guy needs me. You don’t need me.”


She's right. You don't need her or this drama.


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## Burk15 (May 31, 2017)

Quality said:


> Not everyone here is particularly "non-biased". For example, Sokillme has never been a betrayed spouse and has no idea what it's like to be in your shoes and he posts here with a "there is no hope ~ recovery is impossible and everyone should divorce agenda".
> 
> There are many divorced betrayed husband's here that feel the same way; but, at least they personally experienced the circumstances and understand your mindset and decision tree a lot better.
> 
> ...


Thank you for that article. Very informative!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Burk15 said:


> Talk About Marriage Forum,
> 
> Thank you for reading this and hopefully helping guide me through the most difficult time in my life.
> Background: I am married to my high school sweetheart. We got married at 23 and for the first three years of marriage there were no problems. We never fought; it felt perfect. I am in the military which can be stressful because I am gone all the time. My wife has a good job at a local university, working in admissions. Over the last year (while I was gone), my wife started a relationship with a coworker. It was frustrating of course, but I figured it was just a quick thing like they got drunk, I was gone, she was sad, and whatever. About a year later, it has continued when I looked through her phone. She also told me they were hooking up from January-March. She says it is over, but it was supposedly over in January too.
> ...


Burk, your wife is a cheater, plain and simple. She is lucky to have such a caring and understanding H, one that she should treat right. You are allowing her to walk all over you, by not putting your foot down and demanding disclosure, therapy or divorce.
Your weak approach to this situation has enabled her to continue to gaslight and lie to you about the extent of her infidelity. If she is unhappy so early into the marriage for whatever reason how will she be when she has kids, commitments, day to day worries, etc, will she blame all of that on you and the marriage too?
She is most definitely not marriage material.

You should 
1. Tell her she goes to counselling with you or else, you will file for divorce
2. Tell all your family and friends, exposure is the only way that will keep her accountable, she will initially hate you for it but your softly softy approach is not earning her respect
3. She does not respect you because you took such a soft approach, now it is time to go scorched earth. Woman appreciate strength in their H
4. You are still very young, this will come back to haunt you and you may realize that you do not want to be in a marriage with a woman you cannot trust. You have every right to divorce her
5. Is the OM married or has a GF, ask wife to send him a no contact letter and you inform his wife or GF, that ought to keep him busy
Your actions to date have been weak and not decisive enough, stop being such a nice guy


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Burk15 said:


> Talk About Marriage Forum,
> 
> Thank you for reading this and hopefully helping guide me through the most difficult time in my life.
> Background: I am married to my high school sweetheart. We got married at 23 and for the first three years of marriage there were no problems. We never fought; it felt perfect. I am in the military which can be stressful because I am gone all the time. My wife has a good job at a local university, working in admissions. Over the last year (while I was gone), my wife started a relationship with a coworker. It was frustrating of course, but I figured it was just a quick thing like they got drunk, I was gone, she was sad, and whatever. About a year later, it has continued when I looked through her phone. She also told me they were hooking up from January-March. She says it is over, but it was supposedly over in January too.
> ...










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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

She is cheating on you, intends to continue to cheat on you and doesn't appear to feel bad about it.

I'll skip the analysis and all the pretty words and just simply state that you only have one next step at this point - talk to a lawyer TODAY


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## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

Nice guy is one thing. Chump is another. 

I'm a former U.S. Army combat officer. Big brother type. Take care of others type. Took care of my first wife and she just took and took and took. I stopped an EA from going PA by slapping a pound of calf's liver on the desk of the azzhole Lothario and telling him I'd gut him if he messed with my wife. Oddly enough she got mad at me. Stuck with her for the kids and when the last one left for college, I filed.

Look, you're always going to be away. And, when you are, she'll be banging anything and everything with pants--and if not in fact, then in the mind movies you'll have running thru your head. That distraction is dangerous for you and for the men in your command. 

File now...today, this morning....

Consider also the financial consequences. My good deeds earned my toxic wife half of everything I'd worked for...half my pension, half my savings and $20,000 a year in alimony. Leave now. You have an entire lifetime ahead of you.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I really believe that the next "announcement" that you'll probably hear from her in the near future is that she is pregnant with the guys kid! 

Do yourself a service and rid yourself of that "scourge" while the time is ripe!

There's a far better woman waiting in the wings who will absolutely love you for the loving, caring man who you truly are!*


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

As she stated, she's never been single before and never got to experience dating "the bad guy". 
She has yet to experience the downs of dating the bad guy and is currently in love with him and trying to "save him". It's like an addiction for her and the moment, she feeds off the adrenaline rush and drama of being with him, soon it will turn toxic (although it may take a few years).

Maybe in a few years she will appreciate a great husband, or maybe not. You can't be certain. 
She's changed perhaps and finds you boring/predictable. The OM is exciting and unpredictable. 

She sounds like a lot of work and unappreciative of a decent man, if this was my husband, I would consider ending the marriage and finding someone who could love and appreciate me. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

I can't really add anything to all the good advice that's been given. All I'd say is that you're correct in your final assessment: You're 27, no kids, she's not going to change. 

You've been given a golden opportunity. You're lucky you saw her for who she is before your marriage went any further. You've got your whole life ahead of you. Spend it with a woman who will love you and respect you forever. It's not YOU who's letting your family and friends down, it's HER. She can go have her "alternative life", which will almost certainly be an exercise in permanent unhappiness. She's just too immature to realize it right now. Do not ever let her into your life again.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Burk15 you have lost perspective, you are still remembering your high school sweet heart, the girl you fell in love with, but you are failing to recognize the woman you are married to. Your high school sweet heart and the woman you are married to are very different people, if you were to meet your wife today and she confessed to being a liar and cheater you would not respect her enough to even want to be friends with her let alone fall in love and marry her. 

There is nothing positive for either of you in the marriage, you need to except she is no longer that sweet little girl and recognize she has become a nasty woman who is ruining your life.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

You're in the military, I'm assuming you were in the military or at least clearly on that path when you got married. She should've known and understood what she was getting into by marrying into the military. You are not at fault in anyway shape or form here. I do kind of understand how an affair can happen because you're away for long periods of time, unfortunately that's not a rare situation these days. But if she can't change, which she probably won't, and if she won't come clean and continues lying, you have to let her go.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

@Burk15, I'm a former WW. Some food for thought for you.

By law, if you are married and give birth before a divorce is final, the name of your legal husband is automatically listed on the birth record as father. After time, different by state, if the husband doesn't contest paternity via DNA testing, he will remain legal father even if he later proved the child is not his bilogically. Meaning, he will be on the hook for child support until the kid is at least 18, possibly be made to cover all or a portion of medical, daycare, and even college.

I've had 2 birth control failures result in pregnancy. You do NOT want to be married to this woman if she accidentally gets knocked up by an AP. You'd be left with the bill while the real baby daddy walks away free and clear.

I had multiple affairs during my first marriage. My exH didn't do much but whine and cry occasionally. I figured if he was THAT upset, he'd be doing something. I thought his passiveness was proof he really didn't mind.

If you aren't going to fully expose to family and friends and if you aren't going to file than you really can't blame the woman thinking you're ok with it. Your words may say otherwise, but your actions say you're accepting of her affairs.

The longer you're married, the more alimony and other assets she becomes entitled to.

You're a military man. You're a hero. Your job is to save lives. So, when are you going to save yours?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Military life is hard enough without having a wife who sleeps with other people.

Leave this one behind, sir.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Burk15 said:


> Talk About Marriage Forum,
> 
> Thank you for reading this and hopefully helping guide me through the most difficult time in my life.
> Background: I am married to my high school sweetheart. We got married at 23 and for the first three years of marriage there were no problems. We never fought; it felt perfect. I am in the military which can be stressful because I am gone all the time. My wife has a good job at a local university, working in admissions. Over the last year (while I was gone), my wife started a relationship with a coworker. It was frustrating of course, but I figured it was just a quick thing like they got drunk, I was gone, she was sad, and whatever. About a year later, it has continued when I looked through her phone. She also told me they were hooking up from January-March. She says it is over, but it was supposedly over in January too.
> ...


 @Burk15 She looks and sounds like the woman you met and married.

But she isn't. She is now someone, or something, else.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I am sometimes hesitant to include my wife's input. I tell her she should use an account I'm willing to make for her. But she won't do that.

Mary, my wife, is pretty nutty. She is certified. I take care of her. 

She likes stand up successful guys, like me. She hates seeing you dissed like your girl is doing. So she insisted. 

Mary is not the kind of girl who wants a guy who needs her. She is broken ten ways from Sunday, and absolutely needs to know she can always count on me.

Be that man for another girl, one who will honor you. There is a girl out there who desperately wants to love you for who you are, and only asks you to honor her in return. Not need her. 

Perhaps another broken girl like my Mary, and this is her way to beg for help for her damaged and hurting friends. She does not know them, but she knows they are there.


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## Bigbossfan (Jan 5, 2012)

23cm said:


> Look, you're always going to be away. And, when you are, she'll be banging anything and everything with pants--and if not in fact, then in the mind movies you'll have running thru your head. That distraction is dangerous for you and for the men in your command.
> 
> File now...today, this morning....


I've been a long time lurker, first time poster. I was reading this thread with great interest, having served in the military myself for 23 years. What 23CM posted was exactly the track of thought I was going to take. Being deployed on a continual basis is undoubtedly a tough situation for any marriage to exist through. Having said this, many make it through the ups and downs of a military life.

At this young stage of your life and your marriage, your wife has proven to you that she cannot be trusted, and judging from what you've disclosed, never will be able to be trusted. You don't need this distraction when deployed, you don't need this distraction, when particularly as an officer your actions and decisions will affect your subordinates; you have to be 100% dedicated to the task at hand. IMHO that will be difficult to do when regardless if it's in the forefront or back of your mind the troubles going on back home.

You're 27. You have a great future ahead of you. Get out now while the getting is good. Oh, and thank-you for your service!

BBF


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## Burk15 (May 31, 2017)

Thank you everyone for your advice! I appreciate getting all of your points of view. It is amazing how many people are on here, looking to help!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

> Not everyone here is particularly "non-biased". For example, Sokillme has never been a betrayed spouse and has no idea what it's like to be in your shoes and he posts here with a "there is no hope ~ recovery is impossible and everyone should divorce agenda"


This is all true, I have never been betrayed by a spouse, I was betrayed by my first love who I had proposed to. I have never kept that a secret on the board. Nor do I think this disqualifies me to state my opinion. As I have also never kept a secret that I believe when your spouse repeatedly cheats on you there is very little hope that you can have a successful marriage. Drunken ONS and immediate confession, maybe. 

In my opinion this type of abuse of your partner usually points some sort of emotional development issue and requires such a person to work their whole life to change. Much of the relationship becomes about dealing with these issues as well as the fallout from the cheating. It is more like being married to an alcoholic, there are some very real inherent risks. Look up statistics of children raised by alcoholics by the way, again even if the person is in remission it is a risk. 

So (raises hand) guilty as charged. In my opinion your life will be much better without such a toxic person in it. There is also no children here to fear for. Finally if this women is the only women you have ever had an emotionally intimate relationship with then you have no idea what you are missing. The difference will be night and day. 

OP in the end it is up to you what you choose, but it will be a mistake if you make the choice because of your fear of what others will think of you.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Burk15 said:


> Thank you everyone for your advice! I appreciate getting all of your points of view. It is amazing how many people are on here, looking to help!


Sir,

I have heard, "He needs me." from my long since X-fiance. Let me tell you, this chick believed all the "he's" in the world needed her. 

Walk man because the next "he" in her life "need her." And on it will go.


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## Burk15 (May 31, 2017)

Bigbossfan said:


> I've been a long time lurker, first time poster. I was reading this thread with great interest, having served in the military myself for 23 years. What 23CM posted was exactly the track of thought I was going to take. Being deployed on a continual basis is undoubtedly a tough situation for any marriage to exist through. Having said this, many make it through the ups and downs of a military life.
> 
> At this young stage of your life and your marriage, your wife has proven to you that she cannot be trusted, and judging from what you've disclosed, never will be able to be trusted. You don't need this distraction when deployed, you don't need this distraction, when particularly as an officer your actions and decisions will affect your subordinates; you have to be 100% dedicated to the task at hand. IMHO that will be difficult to do when regardless if it's in the forefront or back of your mind the troubles going on back home.
> 
> ...


 @Bigbossfan , exactly, I was playing this battle when I was gone for weeks a time, staying awake in the middle of the night after being on duty (as you know the military works 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week), writing e-mails trying to figure out what was going on with her.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Burk, you're a young 0-3 (I'd guess) with fair winds and following seas ahead of you. Leave the anchor behind.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Burk15 said:


> Talk About Marriage Forum,
> 
> I just would like some honest truth because on one side it is like yes, I can definitely see us together forever, I have, and our families are so close, but on the other side, I think like hey I am 27, my wife cheated on me several times, we have no kids, she is not going to change (it’s been a year of poor choices), *it is time to leave before things get more complicated.* Let me know what you think. I really appreciate any constructive thoughts.


It's time to leave. It's not repairable.


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## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

Oh, if you've been having sex with her, get yourself checked for STDs asap. Bad boys don't use protection and nether do the women who they "need."


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Divorce her. Period.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

No kids and a serially wayward wife incapable of fidelity?

Sorry, what was the question?


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Did you file yesterday?

she is no longer staying at your house right, but is now living with the OM?

Good.


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

Burk15 said:


> She says, “This guy needs me. You don’t need me.”


She is giving you a gift. Accept it wholeheartedly and file for divorce ASAP. She is his problem now.



Burk15 said:


> but I need some advice because I cannot talk to my friends or family about it because I do not want them to judge my wife if we do stay together.


You need the support of your friends - talk to them about it. And why you would want to stay with this woman after what she has done to you is beyond me. There are good women out there that will treat you worlds better than this. Once the D is final I would tell her family too.



Burk15 said:


> but on the other side, I think like hey I am 27, my wife cheated on me several times, we have no kids, she is not going to change (it’s been a year of poor choices), it is time to leave before things get more complicated.


And ^^^this^^^ is all you need to know. 27 and no kids - run like your ass is on fire!!

And whatever you do - never stick your d**k in this woman ever again!! The last thing you need is an STD (as others have already said - get checked ASAP) or worse to bring a child into this mess.


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## Quality (Apr 26, 2016)

Burk15 said:


> @Bigbossfan , exactly, I was playing this battle when I was gone for weeks a time, staying awake in the middle of the night after being on duty (as you know the military works 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week), writing e-mails trying to figure out what was going on with her.


I am not offering this opinion or comment because I think you SHOULD reconcile or that it's even possible, I just want to counter all the divorce whisperers and give you opposing advice to help you with figuring out your life and decision tree.

Like I said before, no kids, short marriage and if you plan on staying in the military {and you can't take her with you} then it is probably that divorce is the best option.

It is NOT the only option.

You said above you are trying to figure out what was {is} going on with her. Some posters above postulated that if it was a one night stand or a one off "mistake" that maybe things could be recoverable; however, I have witnessed that the length, depth, and depravity of the affair doesn't make all that much difference to what can be achieved in a hard fought recovery and restored marriage. It's not like she's running around with 10 other men having one night stands all over the place. She THINKS she's "in love" with one OM. She out of her mind and messing up her entire life and doesn't even know it. BUT, once the affair ends and "no contact for life" is achieved {if possible - you can't make her do this but you can do more than you've done so far to try to achieve it}, I've seen wayward spouses repent and literally snap out of this bullcrud idea of "I never got to date" or "I need a man that needs me" and she spend the rest of her life making it up to you and become a loving, faithful and trustworthy wife. {It won't be easy, but it happens}

Your wife is covered in sin, living in darkness and has no idea what she wants or who she is other than she wants to see and talk to the other man ~ TODAY. I presume she seemed to be a woman of character previous to this and therefore "figuring out what was going on with her" seemed to be the most pressing concern. What's going on with her is probably something like she got herself hitched to the big man on campus and she was a pretty girl that likely had her pick of many suitors. Once married and you moved around, being married to you wasn't providing her the admiration from others she was so used to getting in your hometown and among your high school friends. Because you dated so long and from such a young age she never really differentiated herself properly so you simply took over more a dad role than a husband role to her and she "differentiated" against you, gave in to her selfish entitlement as a pretty girl who was used to getting whatever and whoever she wanted and felt she deserved more. This didn't start out as a mission to hurt you but rather she slowly begin confiding in a man at work who had very poor character as well and found that they could pour their hearts out to each other, provide her companionship and admiration and slowly the notch it up to a full blown physical affair that to them "just happened" almost like God brought them together because they are soul mates. Now she can't stop, even though she knows it's the right thing to do {otherwise she wouldn't keep it a secret} and probably she's tried to stop several times and each time, after a few days, one or the other checks in to see how the other is doing and the "feelings" of relief they get from each new communication further convinces them it MUST BE their "soulmates".

It's ALL bullcrud.

However, since you appear to have not yet made up your mind what you want to do {divorce or try to reconcile} you might as well try to save her from this situation {regardless of what happens to you two, OM is a serpent in her life}. Therefore, you singular mission is to bust up the affair. Expose. Make it so hard for them to continue or such a hassle to OM that she or he ends it. 

Once the affair is busted ~ she'll go through several weeks of withdrawal. Holding her accountable for maintaining strict "no contact" during this period is essential. She's proven she can't do it by herself. They {her and OM} have had a habitual ritual of calling and talking and texting each other for a year now, she's not going to end that overnight without missing it and her mind will play tricks on her and tell her she needs to talk to him or text him just one more time {or worse, the typical "I need to meet him for closure"}. No ~ can't happen.

Then, finally, after about 3 or 4 weeks, you'll actually begin to recognize your wife again. You begin a marital recovery program with your wife with a marriage counselor {don't waste your time with one until "no contact" is achieved}, your priest, maybe retrouvaille {since you said you are Catholic} or some online program like marriage builders that the Moderator ElleGirl has linked in her signature.

That's a lot of work, time and it's a long shot. That's probably giving her about 4-6 months {assuming you can bust up the affair very soon and achieve "no contact" ~ I'm not suggesting you tolerate her continued affair 4-6 more months} before you'll be able to tell if your wife really has the character necessary to fully own and repent of her sins. Wayward wives rarely do this immediately and rarely do it on their own {they need to be led}. It takes time and a lot of "forbearance" {look up forbearance in your bible} to get through this, but that's about how long it's going to take to REALLY know whether your marriage was a truly a mistake or that your wife actually has character, failed and can repent and regain her character once again.

Like I said, you've got biblical justification to get divorced {and get your annulment in your church} right now. I'm not saying you have to wait and see or give her another day, week or month of your life; however, I believe there's hope in just about every marriage and people can change, repent and become even better spouses than they ever were before. Sometimes, it ends up being like a near death experience and each of you comes to really learn about and understand the significance of marriage, the importance of YOUR marriage as well as what Jesus endured {betrayal, as well} in order to cover all our sins {yours as well as your wife's}.

The ONLY way I know how to get through this decision tree is to do everything you can as fast as you can to bust up the affair. Your single mission. She'll either resist completely and leave to be with OM and your choice will be made for you OR you'll succeed and THEN, slowly, be actually able to communicate with your wife again and together actually "figure out what the heck is going on with her". Make no mistake, this affair is about her and her character, selfishness, and entitlement. It's not at you or about you; but, until the affair is absolutely over, busted up and she gets through withdrawal, it's, in my opinion, completely impossible to fully assess whether she's actually worth a shot at recovery or not.


I would like to point out also that being that you are very young, it's really not "wasting" all that much to spend another 3 -6 months trying to extract your wife from sin and then make this assessment. Since you are close to her family you could even work alongside them to stage an "intervention" of sorts because, I'm guessing, the last thing they want to see is her with this loser OM and being likely lost to them in sin forever. Divorced wayward wives go on to live pretty sad and miserable lives having thrown away the husband that God once provided them, divorced betrayed husbands have much better odds at happiness and success in future relationships and marriage so really any grace you extend to her is a gift and her last hope of a happy life. That's just tragic and not as simple as saying "she was a complete mistake". All wayward spouses are not disposable. 

Also, at no point in this process are you giving up your right to file for divorce. That being said, I urge you NOT to file for divorce in the hopes that doing so will "wake her up" and make her come running back to you. If and when you file for divorce, you are very likely to then end up divorced so you better be sure that's what you want and it's not an attempt at manipulation {hoping she'll "come to her senses"}. Sure some couples reconcile thereafter and you CAN still try to do the things I mentioned above if she happened to go "no contact" on her own after you file; but, absent kids, that is, in my experience, unlikely. 

Sorry you are going through this.


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## Burk15 (May 31, 2017)

Quality said:


> I am not offering this opinion or comment because I think you SHOULD reconcile or that it's even possible, I just want to counter all the divorce whisperers and give you opposing advice to help you with figuring out your life and decision tree.
> 
> Like I said before, no kids, short marriage and if you plan on staying in the military {and you can't take her with you} then it is probably that divorce is the best option.
> 
> ...


Wow, @Quality, thank you for the very thoughtful post! A lot of great information and very well written. I think you hit the nail on the head with your assessment from our life in high school. This is exactly what our therapist said is that I took on a "fatherly" role in the whole relationship. I have tried to back down, but I think I backed down too much and became spineless. 
I feel like I have "forbearance" towards the whole affair, but I did not achieve "no contact" or busting up the affair as soon as I should have (I still haven't reached either). 
Anyways, thank you for the response. I am going to forward it to my wife so she can read it.


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## Quality (Apr 26, 2016)

Burk15 said:


> Wow, @Quality, thank you for the very thoughtful post! A lot of great information and very well written. I think you hit the nail on the head with your assessment from our life in high school. This is exactly what our therapist said is that I took on a "fatherly" role in the whole relationship. I have tried to back down, but I think I backed down too much and became spineless.
> I feel like I have "forbearance" towards the whole affair, but I did not achieve "no contact" or busting up the affair as soon as I should have (I still haven't reached either).
> Anyways, thank you for the response. I am going to forward it to my wife so she can read it.


Probably too late, but don't forward it to her.

Don't tell her your battle plans.

She won't help you expose and how are you going to accomplish an intervention if you tell her it's coming?

She's not your ally.

She's the drowning victim you need to subdue and drag out of the pool in a choke hold so she doesn't pull you down with her. Telling her will only result in her using it to manipulate you into NOT exposing and NOT doing any of it ~ OR ELSE.

Lead.


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## Quality (Apr 26, 2016)

There are only so many ways to "bust up an affair" and you don't need to tell her, in advance, what your plans are. 

You need to be doing recon and surveillance ~ which will be completely ineffective if she knows you're doing it.

Exposure includes telling everyone OM knows {his extended family and send a facebook message to every friend and person who "liked" anything on his facebook page}. If he knows this is coming, he'll shut his facebook page down and/or tell every family member about his friend from work with a crazy controlling threatening husband.

Forewarned is forearmed.

Be strategic.

Use your training.

Your wife doesn't FEEL like ending it today and she's not going to just decide to go "no contact" all by herself. She needs to hit rock bottom and that means consequences. If she won't or can't end it, maybe OM will decide he's had enough and dump her to move on to more available less complicated {and less threatening ~ OM's are also nervous a beat down is on it's way any day now} SINGLE women. It doesn't matter how it ends, only that it actually ends and then you can figure out what you're dealing with.

If her cell phone is in your name, cancel it and offer to get her a new number and a flip phone to HELP her resist the urge to recontact him. 

If her car is in your name, put it up for sale or just lock it and take keys {she'll call you immature and all sorts of names but your marriage can survive her being angry, however, it won't survive her continuing her relationship with OM so you just say you are trying to save her from making the biggest mistake of her life and, in time, she'll hopefully come to understand the gift you have offered her by even remaining there one more minute}.

If the internet at home is in your name, cancel it.

If she demands "space" {very typical but "space" is wayward code for "time with OM to decide what I want to do while actually never deciding anything}, offer to clear room for her in the garage or basement or she can go to her parents house where she'll be held accountable for her behavior and choices. 

If you live near OM ~ MOVE and start making plans to move immediately even going as far as bringing home boxes indicating that the two of you are moving ASAP so let's start packing.

You can't barricade her or you'll get charged with false imprisonment but you don't accept her dating, talking to, texting or seeing OM ever again. Your answer is "NO". You are not being controlling ~ the door is open and she is free to leave anytime she wants {it's liberating to not fear this ~ seriously, she can just go and she's simply helping you make the decision to divorce all that much easier} but she is not to communicate with OM in your marital home ever again because it's hurtful and disrespectful. 

there are many other things you can TRY to do to interfere with the affair but ultimately it comes down to either OM dumping her or your wife finally giving up and actually CHOOSING to go "no contact" AND allowing you to help her achieve it {no more privacy and an acknowledgement she needs help accomplishing it WITH and FROM you). Yes this is still "parenting" her and it's ridiculous. But like I said before, she's lost in sin and needs saving and though she's completely 100% culpable for her hurtful choices, she literally has no idea how bad it is or how to get out of this cycle of sin. Repentence and "sorry" come later.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Burk15 said:


> Let me know what you think. I really appreciate any constructive thoughts.


Burk, One of the worst things you could do to yourself is spend the next ten years of your life realizing that your wife is with you because you are the "safe" choice. That knowledge will haunt you as long as you're with her.


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## Burk15 (May 31, 2017)

@Quality, not too late! I am still at work. So much good information and ideas. Thank you!


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Burk15 said:


> she "says" it is not about this 1 guy. It is not her leaving me for him. It is her seeking something else or someone who needs her for support.


I'm sorry, but that is simply not realistic. She is with him because she has the hots for him. If she wasn't with him, she would not be making plans to separate from you.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Tatsuhiko said:


> You're 27, no kids, she's not going to change.


One angle that I always try to stress is that one of the worst things that you happen to Burk is if his wife did end her affair and instead chooses to "settle" for Burk because he is "safe". That would end the intense pain, but replace it with years of depression.


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## Quality (Apr 26, 2016)

Steve1000 said:


> Burk, One of the worst things you could do to yourself is spend the next ten years of your life realizing that your wife is with you because you are the "safe" choice. That knowledge will haunt you as long as you're with her.



And this would be why, after "no contact" and 3 or 4 weeks of withdrawal you will be requiring her to participate in a marital recovery plan and insisting that simply remaining married is NOT what your willing to settle for. You can't demand or require this NOW because she simply won't understand but eventually, your marriage will have to become great or it's just not worth it ~ FOR YOU.

If you allow yourself to just be happy she's back with you and rug sweep this ordeal you'll completely miss the opportunity to transform this marriage into a Godly one. She won't be able to accomplish this overnight so you want to hold the bar high but not ever make her feel like it's impossible. 

Thereafter, what the two of you TOGETHER accomplish in your marriage is up to the both of you. I never felt the need to sweat whether my wife was with me because I was the "safe" choice because I know I'm a good guy, good provider, loving husband and loving father to our children. I don't lack self-confidence, nor fear being alone {she wasn't my "safe" choice either}. Making the marriage "great" is a bilateral undertaking and you'll know it when you get there and never have to doubt whether she "settled".

Still caveating that this is a journey that will more than likely lead you to the conclusion you should divorce her, but, if done right and without continuing to waste your life conflict-avoiding and fearing her, you won't regret TRYING to save her. It's the best way I know to actual get divorced KNOWING you made the right decision.

I've come to understand that the Christian program we use at our church was at some point essentially designed and developed upon the Plan A and Plan B model you'll find linked in the moderator EleGirl signature line only ours contains lots of scripture. I'm not here to share "our" program and it's too identifying for me to share on an anonymous public forum anyway so go talk to your Priest, see what options and resources are available at your Parish {you're not the only one in this situation ~ adultery is everywhere} and|or check out marriage builders {actually here's a link I found on youtube}.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Good luck to you Burk, no really. I've seen this too many times to count. You are really hurting and do not want to hear the truth so, you cling to the posts which will offer up a saving grace.

Quit blaming yourself for your wife's affair first and foremost.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Good luck to you Burk, no really. I've seen this too many times to count. You are really hurting and do not want to hear the truth so, you cling to the posts which will offer up a saving grace.
> 
> Quit blaming yourself for your wife's affair first and foremost.



There are a certain percentage of men who just cannot pull the plug. Burk, you are in an open marriage, one sided, and you're not going to bust up anything because you are going to continue to play the "pick me' game, which is what you are and continue to do. I do not know what more advice anyone can give you. your wife is in an ongoing affair that you know about, she refuses to stop, and when that ends if she does not permanently leave you, she will move on to the next man, and it will be rinse and repeat.

You probably would get more help on a non monogamy forum where folks will help you accept it and cope better and be more supportive. Each person has a threshhold for the pain they can absorb. You have not reached yours yet because you are stuck big time in denial and wishful waiting. no way to sugar coat it.

this thread will go on and on, she will continue to cheat, and eventually you will either continue to live with it or go your own way, but the advice will be just more of the same. your situation is NOT unique and your wife is not a special snowflake. You are being mentally abused. I hope you find strength to help yourself.


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## Quality (Apr 26, 2016)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Good luck to you Burk, no really. I've seen this too many times to count. You are really hurting and do not want to hear the truth so, you cling to the posts which will offer up a saving grace.
> 
> Quit blaming yourself for your wife's affair first and foremost.


I don't necessarily disagree with you.

The problem has been that Burk has spent the last year trying to figure what is happening to his wife and what he can do about it and because he didn't seek help and tried to rely on himself {he's the class president and the tough military guy that should be able to find a way to fix this, right?}, he ended up being paralyzed by indecision and fear of making the wrong move. His wayward wife capitalized on this and most definitely manipulated and gas lite him along the way stringing out this indecision limbo alternating between offering him carrots and then threatening him with fear.

The beauty of the plan I've summarized is that it requires him to take action. To bring the bottom up. To induce consequences for her and the OM with the goal of busting them up and THEN figuring out if it's savable without the interference of a paramour.

Anywhere along this action plan the decision to divorce is likely to be made for him by his wife. She'll just leave versus being with him because he's no longer allowing her NOT to choose and because Burk is messing with her affair partner. So what? He's no longer operating in fear and, instead, he's a man with a plan simply carrying out the steps to such plan. The ongoing affair is killing him and the marriage so if she leaves ~ decision made ~ he proceeds to "disassociation" {we call it} or MB's Plan B and he likely just files for divorce himself if she won't do it. Maybe she'll come running back begging him before the divorce is final but, at least, he'll be filing knowing he had no other choice and had run out of options and did the best he could by her {he loves her and doesn't want to quit on her, despite her betrayal ~ it's not hard to understand why he seeks a solution to this complex problem}.

At least he's doing something and not remaining in limbo while continuing to search for the solution everywhere on the internet while acknowledging and ignoring all the posters telling him to divorce now and that she's a complete waste of a human being. Some may think it unwise to give him hope but hope ALWAYS exists and, stranger things have happened, they just might save this marriage. God can do anything {pray for her}.

Consider this, my wife THANKS me for everything I did to save her from messing up big time and nearly destroying herself and our family. Deep down Burk's wife knows it's wrong and if she's truly redeemable, she'll be proud of you standing up to her and fighting for her. It's not like you are going to offend her by standing up to her and it's not like Burk has to worry about a custody battle or anything {where waywards play tricks in order to secure better custody rights and might use a strong fight for the marriage as "evidence" in the divorce case}.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Dump her and fast. She is sponging off of you. Let her douchbag pay for her insurance. You are way too young and with way too many opportunities ahead of you to put up with this. Just file and don't look back while you finish it. . She is NOT wife material at this time.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Burk,
One more military-specific angle to consider here. If you think there's even the tiniest of chances you may be a career officer, make damn sure you ditch her before you've been married 10 years. After that, the spouse typically gets 50% of your pension, even if you divorced well before your retirement date. I would hate to see the reward of your decades of service get siphoned off for such a person.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

OP
If you can't make the obvious decision to file for divorce, with all you know, will you be able to make the tough decisions as a Naval Officer later in your career?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Dump this you have no future here.

Going forward any relationship needs to be balanced so do your 50% and expect her to do the other half.

If you go overboard you ten to lose respect and get taken advantage of.

You are the poster boy for this.


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## Quality (Apr 26, 2016)

Malaise said:


> OP
> If you can't make the obvious decision to file for divorce, with all you know, will you be able to make the tough decisions as a Naval Officer later in your career?


Nice slam ~ feel better kickin' a soldier when he's down? 

There is always hope, however small, so it's a good leader that doesn't give up on his loved ones. 

He probably won't save her, but I admire him for trying and not quitting.

Quitting would be easy. No kids and very little consequences to divorce and no one would blame him. However, IMO, it's nice to recognize and acknowledge his love for her and willingness to forbear her sins ~ for a season, at least. 

His brothers and sisters in arms would be well served by such a leader and his unwillingness to surrender despite the odds.

No one left behind.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Quality said:


> Nice slam ~ feel better kickin' a soldier when he's down?
> 
> There is always hope, however small, so it's a good leader that doesn't give up on his loved ones.
> 
> ...


All kinds of false analogy/false equivalency in that post.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Burk15 said:


> She has consistently lied to me about the whole thing.


Past behavior is a pretty good predictor of future behavior. 

Liar = adulteress 

Why haven't you divorced her already?


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## Burk15 (May 31, 2017)

@Quality, thank you for all of the amazing posts. Your knowledge on the subject is incredible. @Malaise, I kind of chuckled at your post because there is a huge between making decisions in my profession and making decisions on your marriage with someone you loved for 7 years. I have always been comfortable making decisions with the Navy, but this is something I never expected which is the difference. If you would have asked me 5 years ago where I would be making the toughest decisions, I would have said in the military, not with my marriage because I had so much trust with my wife and was so sure about it (probably a bit delusional and naive in hindsight). 
Thank you for all of the help everyone! The second opinions and new light people have brought in have helped firm up my plan and made me think in many different ways.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

You need to decide if you can live in an open marriage, because that is what you have right now.

You don't fix this by redefining what the word open means. You fix this by first drawing a big fat black line in the same clearly stating what you require as a self-respecting human.

You do this by first engaging with legal representation so that you can fully understand what is involved with drawing that line. Just educate yourself. Please.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Quality said:


> Nice slam ~ feel better kickin' a soldier when he's down?
> 
> There is always hope, however small, so it's a good leader that doesn't give up on his loved ones.
> 
> ...


And how would a good officer deal with one of his brothers and sisters in arms, the ones who are always supposed to have each others backs, the ones one absolutely has to rely on and trust unconditionally, how would a good officer deal with one who is flagrantly fraternizing with, openly providing aid and comfort to the enemy?

Make no mistake...the OM is an enemy to the marriage, and the WW is openly providing him aid and comfort.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Malaise said:


> OP
> If you can't make the obvious decision to file for divorce, with all you know, will you be able to make the tough decisions as a Naval Officer later in your career?


Emotion decisions versus non-emotional decisions. 

I think you'll find there's a difference. 

At least, you should...


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Yes and the non-emotional decision is to divorce a serial cheater. The emotional one is to stay because you feel love. Yes, I know this can be turned around to fit the other side. My point is, it can be argued most decisions, if not all, are made form an emotional standpoint. What you really mean is what emotions are you using when said decision is reached.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Quality said:


> Quitting would be easy. No kids and very little consequences to divorce and no one would blame him. However, IMO, it's nice to recognize and acknowledge his love for her and willingness to forbear her sins ~ for a season, at least.


No, quitting is actually the difficult thing to do in this situation. He's worried about showing his "mistake" to his family. There will be arguments, lawyers, financial ramifications, an overwhelming feeling of failure. The easy thing to do is just let things coast along, sticking your head in the sand and pretending that the ugly truth will just somehow go away. Hide it from the family and hope that things get better

Facing the music and divorcing takes courage.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

There is a hell of a lot better out there then your wife. Nothing "happened" to her. This is who she is, it's in her nature. Natures don't change without monumental effort.

Look feel free to spend the rest of your life trying to love her enough to get her to change if you want, seems maybe that was the advice you were looking for on here, but that almost never works, change has to be motivated from within. 

You only get so much time on this earth my friend.

Everything in life ends. That is the nature of life, you are better off accepting it so you can move on to something new.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

In any event @Burk15, I think you should strongly consider D even if you eventually decide to R

I assume that would reset the clock on the antiquated military paternalistic approach of giving half of everything PLUS alimony once you hit the 10 year mark

Look into that. If R works, the clock reset after D and remarriage means nothing to your relationship. If R fails, you aren't saddled supporting the cheating xxxx for life


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Why, oh why are you making this woman a priority when you will only ever reach the rank of OPTION?


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## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

Is she still having sex with YOU?

If not, and if not since she started giving her body to the "bad boy" and cuckolding you; fine. It's your decision to accept giving up that part of your marriage so you can continue to be a chump. 

If she is; get thee to the doc ASAP for an STD test.

Nothing like getting nasty bugs from a lowlife who's using your wife as a f*ck toy to help clear the mind.

Would that clear your mind? Or, would it take more than getting laced with crabs, gonorrhea, syphilis, or HIV to clear your mind.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Look, I did as you did and learned the hard way through utterly painful and life-impacting experience, that a wife in a long-term affair only stays with you out of convenience and economics. Fear of exposure, damage to their reputation drives a lot of it.

So what did I get for trying to repair things with her? Years of emotional abuse, HPV-based throat cancer, huge financial hit. 

What did she get? Half our assets. Got to bang another guy for a decade (most of the time in very good secret.). She cleared the virus she brought to our marriage, I did not.

I wasted so much time on her. 

All I can tell you is that my recommendation based on the futility I found in trying to save our marriage and risk to my health, my ex-wife's inability to fix things (either couldn't or wouldn't), made it a huge tragic mistake on my part to have done so for so long.

What a waste of a life.

Please, I beg you, don't waste your time as I did.

Be wiser, move on, live well--without her.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Um, you have already lost. 

She has told you what she is looking for and it is not you. 

You need to turn your back on her. She needs to see what it would be like with you not in her life. 

If she can't support you when your gone then she never will.


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