# Band-aid or Rug Sweeping?



## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

I'm having a struggle with recovery. I know it's going to be hard and an up and down battle, however, I didn't realize THIS up and down! When I read others posts on here I'm almost jealous of how the WS is showing signs of remorse. It seems like mine is wanting to work things out, but then again events happen and i begin to believe it's not going to ever change and/or work out. I could give specifics, but I'm not sure if that is helpful or not????

Everyone's circumstances are different-I understand that. What sets mine apart is for one my H is still not convinced he had an EA so he isn't going to show signs of remorse. He agrees it was "starting" to cross boundaries but that in the end no boundaries were ever crossed. In the "hard times" of our marriage we were having he began drinking more heavily than normal and then used the "drunkenness" as his excuse for his ONS kiss. So then again I will not get remorseful actions. I should say he doesn't see it as drinking more because we are very social and attend lots of events and parties are are known to close out the night pretty tipsy (but always as a couple). So his drinking heavily spilled over to the week days to "cope." I've explained he still made a choice and we can't use excuses but he just agrees but I KNOW he doesn't really agree just tying to pacify me (based on his actions).

SOOOO what I'm getting at is now we have had good days and bad days. When a bad day happens my H tends to hug me, or go buy me something, or say I love you??? In his mind it's all right to snap at me or not follow our Recovery rules, etc. So if I blow up it pushes him away... if I forgive it's just going to happen again and again. So if there are going to be ups and downs then this is just another "down" and him hugging me and sending I love you text are they a band-aid or am I just rug sweeping again???? 

I'm hurting badly. I beyond confused. Growing up if I was hurt or upset my mom bought me something to make me feel better...so in hindsight maybe I created my own monster? Now I don't want this cycle to continue with my Husband. This isn't how our relationship was prior to the affairs.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Gaslighting makes you feel crazy and confused, that's the whole purpose of it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Did you make him agree to therapy?


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Your situation reminds me of Riven's. Her husband drinks to excess, he had an ONS and claims he was drunk to blackout stage. Maybe he was that drunk, maybe he wasn't. He is very sorry, and he does seem to be exhibiting remorse. But he is primarily remorseful about the drinking.

It seems to me, if he's going to use drinking as an excuse, then he needs to stop drinking. That is one way to keep it from happening. Is that something you've explored (sorry I haven't read all your threads). With alcohol, it seems that if your inhibitions are lowered and you tend to do certain things (like, the stereotypical 'angry' drunk who is always getting into fights by drinking), then that person needs to stop drinking to avoid getting into fights.

Chances are he isn't going to cross the line, or least the chances are vastly improved, as long as he doesn't drink. 

Does this resonate with you? Sorry again for not being familiar with all that's been said in your other threads.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Unless you're convinced that your H truly understands and admits that what he did was wrong (no excuses), and is genuinely remorseful and is totally focused on trying to repair the damage his behaviour caused to the marriage, I doubt that you're likely to trust him. 

IMO, unless he's assured you of all of the above, it's going to be difficult to move forward. Have you both had MC? If not, this might help clear the air once and for all.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

As others have mentioned, this is an issue that should be brought up in a moderated environment (MC). Your H clearly violated your boundaries, it really doesn't make much of a difference if he did it consciously or not. If you are to truly move forward and build a stronger relationship, he will have to accept at face value the fact that he hurt you. He will need to take steps to help you heal, but you will also need to take steps to help yourself heal, and part of that may be learning to let go and forgive. Forgiveness is not the same as rug sweeping in my opinion.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

turnera said:


> Did you make him agree to therapy?


No. In the beginning he was going to go to IC then we asked a friend/therapist if we should each do IC or go to MC. That friend suggested MC and work together. 

I'm liking MC and I'm not. I read a post earlier and Thorburn said (paraphrasing) that particular person was expecting the MC to be the savior and that's not the MC's job.

We go Wed and I suggested today lets just reschedule since he was going to be flying in straight from out of town and he said NO WAY. I can tell your off kilter so lets keep it.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Forgiveness is something you do on your timeline. If you forgive him it is not a free pass for him to continue his behavior and you don't know if he will ever do it again. You could never forgive him on the other hand and he could do it over and over again. So forgiveness is not about him doing something over and over again.

I have been backing off on my WS and it is working out for me. This past weekend was the best since D-day and she opened up quite a bit. We not only had fun but she really opened up. I can't say that this will work for you and I wish I could tell you how to get there but releasing things is part of the process. I told my wife that I still want answers to things she has not answered and I listed them. I said I want to move forward faster and these are some of the things I would like to have and I am not letting you off the hook. She opened up on some things which was very helpful and then we moved on to having fun.

What do you want? He seems to be giving you some things. make sure when he does this that you tell him that this is what you need and reinforce it. When he does things you do not like, tell him but don't blast him. And try to tell him at that time what I really like is when you ......... (and tell him).

His drinking needs to stop. It takes the pain away (it really does) but it is not a good way to do it.

He seems lost and somehow you need to bring him in to a safe harbor and in your pain and confusion you don't have it in you to do it. You need your own safe harbor.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

How can he reconcile if he doesn't think he did anything wrong?? One of the cornerstones of remorse is taking ownership of what you did - doesn't sound like he owns it or has any desire to.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Your situation reminds me of Riven's. Her husband drinks to excess, he had an ONS and claims he was drunk to blackout stage. Maybe he was that drunk, maybe he wasn't. He is very sorry, and he does seem to be exhibiting remorse. But he is primarily remorseful about the drinking.
> 
> It seems to me, if he's going to use drinking as an excuse, then he needs to stop drinking. That is one way to keep it from happening. Is that something you've explored (sorry I haven't read all your threads). With alcohol, it seems that if your inhibitions are lowered and you tend to do certain things (like, the stereotypical 'angry' drunk who is always getting into fights by drinking), then that person needs to stop drinking to avoid getting into fights.
> 
> ...


that's ok...I took off a couple of weeks from coming here due to personal life activities and for a while I was positive and it helped to encourage others on here but then it turned that I was angry/upset after reading posts. So i took a break! (off subject)

I don't know? Not a good response but I truly don't know if he uses drinking as an excuse because I can count the 3 times he has crossed lines and it was that he was drunk.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> How can he reconcile if he doesn't think he did anything wrong?? One of the cornerstones of remorse is taking ownership of what you did - doesn't sound like he owns it or has any desire to.


Ya, so that it what I'm struggling with. He goes to MC he has written an apology letter, wants to work it out, he even told everyone this weekend we are now about to be empty nesters and all of our plans together. Which they were all what we both want, but I don't get it??? I don't get him saying one thing but not showing remorse? I guess I'm confused on if I'm "creating" an issue and expecting way more than what he is giving? Or is saying I love you, and hugs, and stuff enough???


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

Paladin said:


> As others have mentioned, this is an issue that should be brought up in a moderated environment (MC). Your H clearly violated your boundaries, it really doesn't make much of a difference if he did it consciously or not. If you are to truly move forward and build a stronger relationship, he will have to accept at face value the fact that he hurt you. He will need to take steps to help you heal, but you will also need to take steps to help yourself heal, and part of that may be learning to let go and forgive. Forgiveness is not the same as rug sweeping in my opinion.


1 1/2 weeks ago at our last MC session she asked what my fears are coming up with all the events...I explained that I am afraid he will drink (brother in law and him act like college kids when they get together) go to the bar alone, and it will all be a week revolved around him vs. our child. He said no way and that wasn't going to be the case. WELL he did and he didn't go alone he went with my brother in law and our son. SOOOO even at that he doesn't see it as wrong or alone. Basically I didn't get specific enough with the boundaries.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Ingalls said:


> Ya, so that it what I'm struggling with. He goes to MC he has written an apology letter, wants to work it out, he even told everyone this weekend we are now about to be empty nesters and all of our plans together. Which they were all what we both want, but I don't get it??? I don't get him saying one thing but not showing remorse? I guess I'm confused on if I'm "creating" an issue and expecting way more than what he is giving? Or is saying I love you, and hugs, and stuff enough???


I'm a little confused - if he doesn't accept that he had an EA but he wrote a letter of apology - what did he apologize for??


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> I'm a little confused - if he doesn't accept that he had an EA but he wrote a letter of apology - what did he apologize for??


It was a letter we read in front of the MC to each other. It was more focused on the kissing of a girl vs. the EA. He said he was sorry for letting our marriage get to the point of where it got before being a man and either getting to counseling or getting out. He does admit that he was intrigued with the girl whom I call his EA. But that he didn't think of her in the way I think he thought of her. Which, BTW, is a different girl than the one night kiss.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I don't see remorse in this - I just don't. As was said I see gas lighting. He writes the ONS kiss off to a drunken incident yet apologizes for letting the marriage get to the point it did?? He says he was "intrigued" by this woman?? That is was "starting" to cross boundaries?? What does that mean?? What does your MC say about all of this?? 

Bottom line is what you need is what you need - it really doesn't matter what our opinion is of what is enough - it's up to you. But for my $.02 I don't see remorse in what you have described.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

thanks Sig. I appreciate opinion. Why I'm here. You seem to get it from your stories and history so I value your 2 cents.

MC listens and then asks me my feelings on his comments and vice versa. I'm regretting now feeling like I do. I wish I could take the downs with a little more grace and learn to be patient and wait for his remorseful actions. Instead I blow up because I keep silent and just expect him to know he needs to apologize. Just typing is making me feel better.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

about 3 weeks ago I was GREAT and in a good positive place -and so Our marriage was too...I just need to get back to that place and R will be more consistent. I'm nervy too about being empty nesters and so maybe that is clouding my perception of things? Also he heads out of town for business and I'm worked up about that bc of fear. He is only gone 1 full day/night so a short trip is do-able.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Ingalls said:


> thanks Sig. I appreciate opinion. Why I'm here. You seem to get it from your stories and history so I value your 2 cents.
> 
> MC listens and then asks me my feelings on his comments and vice versa. I'm regretting now feeling like I do. I wish I could take the downs with a little more grace and learn to be patient and wait for his remorseful actions. Instead I blow up because I keep silent and just expect him to know he needs to apologize. Just typing is making me feel better.


I conditioned my reply was based on what you POSTED - you're the one there so it could easily be very different. Regarding wishing you could take the downs with a little more grace - you're really onto something there. You need to try not to react to the emotions but you still need to let him know when you feel them. He needs to know but watching you break down or getting attacked every time you're in a bad place will cause him to withdraw - it will wear him out. It's the difference between telling him - "honey, hearing you say that really hurts" vs. flinging a plate at him or curling up in a ball in the corner of the kitchen. That's easier said than done I know but the more you can do it the better things will be. Hopefully - if he really is remorseful - as he learns it's safe to open up - that he won't get crucified or berated - he will open up more and more. If he does, you'll start to feel better because he is opening up - it's a self building cycle but someone has to start.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

I thought about it last night Sig and I DON'T recall his apology. I was so caught up in the session and I had read my letter before him so I was teary....

I just told him he never wrote out the apology letter and gave it to me. He is gone on business so I texted it to him. He originally at MC read it off his phone and the gal said he should hand write it and give it to me to do what I wanted with it. Well we both got busy and forgot!!! Anyhow he just emailed it to me and it did say he was sorry that he betrayed our marriage, that he caused more damage than he thought by ignoring and running from our problems vs being the type of man to be strong and smart enough to fix them, and the hopes that I can forgive him and he knows that can take years and years but he is willing to wait and work hard at it. 

I wish I would have read this before now. I need a constant reminder that he does indeed take responsibility for his actions. I get SOOOO Blessed confused. I feel like I'm in the fog literally, like I have a cloud of haze around me and I can't focus on things (and I don't need glasses)! 

He isn't doing great-making mistakes-like the bar until 2:30 am an snapping at me. But like I said I am not approaching this right either. I am going to work on this. I am going to tell him he sucks tho at showing me his remorse. I CAN'T rug sweep anymore. I did this with my childhood and then recently with my marriage and it poisons relationships bc I just build anger and resentment. New day...new me


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