# advice please!!!!



## outofsiteotofmnd (Aug 22, 2008)

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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Well, you just need to ask yourself how often you need sex, and are you prepared to live in a sexless marriage?

It might get better, given that she could recover. But it's not in your gift to heal her, and it's not in your gift to make her physically desire you.

Most people find that sex declines after the first few years of marriage, so although this might be a special case, I would be careful.

If she won't discuss it with you before hand, don't marry her. She will certainly not bother discussing it after you marry. You have been very unmanly avoiding the discussion. If she is so damaged that she wants to marry a man and refuse him sex, then that is sad. 

As for your hinting that making sex central might be a bit shallow. Remember this. Marriage is based on sex. It is not even consummated without sex. I have sex 5 - 10 times a week with my wife, I could get by on twice a week, but that's as low as I am prepared to go. Remember also that marriage is a monogamous contract. You promise to forgo sex with all others. So if you marry and intend to keep your vows, you could be *willingly* placing yourself in a situation where you could be getting no sex for the rest of your life. And eventually you could become quite damaged by it.

Here is an extreme case where that happened:
35 years... - The sexuality support group forum

The thread goes on a bit, but it's worth reading because the woman involved had problems of a similar nature.


There are men who hate sex, and women who hate sex. Why it is that they never seem to meet each other is one of life's mysteries.

PS. Please help our eyes, and break up your paragraphs


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

I have edited the above post, and put the word *willingly* in bold because after having studied this phenomenon for a while, (in connection with the book I am writing), I have noticed that in every single case, there is an element of willingness on the part of the man who is being denied sex, to agree to the denial. Your post, goes a long way to backing up what my research has shown, and it hurts me to read it.

You are not already in a sexless marriage that you can't seem to get out of, you are actually contemplating creating one!

I do hope you keep us informed, whatever the outcome. We will all be there for you.


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## outofsiteotofmnd (Aug 22, 2008)

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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

outofsiteotofmnd said:


> The whole time they were married she was raped by her ex husband and *every relationship she has been in since her divorce she says was the same way*.


I just re-read your original post and saw the above. I added the bold type. Either she has a talent for attracting rapists or she is lying. If it is the latter, she will probably call you a rapist once you marry her, and beg her too "forcefully" for sex.

Now she may not be lying. My wife worked at woman's aid in the UK and she met women who picked up abusers one after the other. But rape is a little bit more unusual. 

If she has not got over it after 3 years of therapy to the point where she can have sex with you, after you have already proved that you can make love to her without abusing her, she is in my opinion just not ready.

I also fear that if she comes to realise that the marriage will not happen without sex, she might start letting you "use" her so she will get that ring. Sorry to be so very very harsh, but history is against you.

Worst case scenario? She probably loves you, but at a different level she may want to punish you to get even with "all men". Looking ahead, she may be better off after divorce, if you are richer than her now.


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## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

Holy hannah ceasars ghost catfish....

That was the SADDEST thread I had EVER EVER EVER read. 35 YEARS and no happy ending!

I suggest reading it over, because you'll see just how it affects a man. There are also others on this forum who were former withholders from abuse, who came to the realization (when they were ready) that their husbands were NOT the abusers, and that the husbands were going to walk away sooner or later.

In my opinion, the most insightful part of the link is when a poster said "the clincher for me would be whether the other party is willing to get help". I know I've seen a few "we haven't had sex in years" threads, and the difference between the successes and failures is whether or not the parties involved WANT to fix the situation.

Quite frankly, when one person just says "I don't think there's a problem, so deal" it states pretty firmly that this will be a "take it or leave it" issue. At that point, it kind of IS shared fault if the victim decides to stay. But at the same time, that doesn't make it fair or right. When the withholder says "I'm willing to work on it" I think there is hope.

I feel compelled to mention also, that if you do decide to leave over sex, she may very well internalize that in a self-fulfilling prophecy. She may say to herself "see, all they want is sex". You know what though... let her say that, because if she is that rigid with her own thoughts, and absolutely refusing to open up and seek help to make someone she "loves" happy, then the best thing you can do is run, not walk away.


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## outofsiteotofmnd (Aug 22, 2008)

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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

What about the men after her husband? Did they really rape her as well?


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## outofsiteotofmnd (Aug 22, 2008)

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## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

--shes upset with me that I left this morning because now she is in the mood.--

Forgive me, but this seems a little TOO convenient. Sex is a problem, and then just when you leave, gosh darnit now she's in the mood and if only you were there? I'm not buying it. Not only that, I know during my period of being starved, if my gf said "I'm in the mood", I would drop ANYTHING, put in the leave, and SPEED home. Gas, speed limit, shifts be darned... when she says "I want it" I would make it happen because I never knew when the next time might be (at its worst, 7 months).

If this happens again (or has happened before), it sounds like she is trying to test you and/or give you false hope.

Still though I'm glad to hear you guys do make love sometimes and that you guys are very close. I think if she is willing to work with you, you guys will be fine.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

outofsiteotofmnd said:


> I couldn't tell you if it was really rape after her husband or her just not being in the mood and not wanting to do anything but did it to make them happy. Her words to me on the subject was raped but anyone can exaggerate things.


Exaggerate? Man, do you know what you are saying?

I don't know about your country, but here when a woman mentions rape, police cars turn up pretty damn fast, and the accused, who is usually guilty until proven innocent, is cross questioned by the police. And then more likely than not, he's put on the sex offenders register, and all of a sudden he can't go near children and a whole bunch of other stuff.

If you are determined to carry on with this, you might want to try and meet some of her recent ex's - they may be just regular guys like you.

If you do leave her, it's lucky for you that you are in a different town, so that your reputation will not be harmed by the trashing she seems to like to dish out.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Chopblock said:


> Still though I'm glad to hear you guys do make love sometimes and that you guys are very close. I think if she is willing to work with you, you guys will be fine.


It can only work with someone who is very self aware, and is clear about what he wants out of life. Saying "I have a high sex drive" and "I am thinking of marrying a woman who does not like sex", do not speak of clarity.


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## outofsiteotofmnd (Aug 22, 2008)

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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

When one partner in a relationship withholds sex, but does not allow the other partner to get it elsewhere, it eventually becomes a form of abuse. If you have a high sex drive, you will crawl the walls wanting release. What is even worse is that people in this position end up feeling very undesirable, and if they stay to long, they do not bother to leave and find anybody else because they don't believe anyone could possibly find them sexually attractive. The is another forum I found... but it is so depressing, I can only read it for half an hour at a time.


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## outofsiteotofmnd (Aug 22, 2008)

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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

I will not link to it here, I don't want to cause depression on an unbelievable scale. I can PM you if you want. But on your head be it.


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## outofsiteotofmnd (Aug 22, 2008)

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## luanna (Aug 17, 2008)

hi, i found out a week ago that my husband and a women from bible study who i loved and respected. had got very close e mailing and him telling her how much he wants her and so on. any way she spoke him into asking me for a seperation. i ended up finding out all that they have been up to. the problem is i patched everything up with sex now he is at home. but i just feel so betrayed after seventeen years i just dont know how to move on.


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## luanna (Aug 17, 2008)

hi i am needing some advice on how to move on my husband seemed to have fallen in love with some one from my bible study. i just dont know how to move on even though he is at home now. i feel so betrayed. he is a builder and went to do a job at her house. in the end he wanted to seperate from me. home but i just cannot move on.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Luanna-

You need to start your own thread.


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