# New Development-Need Help So I Don't Screw Up...



## EmeraldEyez (Jun 17, 2011)

Ok...last Wednesday found history deleted on WS computer, when asked...he said "I don't know, I didn't do it". It's a personal laptop and the folders of "Monday" and "Tuesday" were completey deleted. The folders for "Week 1, Week 2, and Week 3" were still there but when you clicked on them, they were empty. Now weeks 4-6 were still on there with all their history listed. He takes his laptop into work to watch movies on, but it's out in the boonies and there is no internet there. However he does have a blackberry and a computer genius coworker and months and months ago he mentioned his friend using his blackberry and "tethering" his computer to access internet at work. He brings his computer home every night and is on it every night. So, the history went somewhere and everyone I've asked and every board I've been on, says the same thing, he had to of personally clicked and deleted it. I tried to "recover" and look at cookies...it didn't tell me anything at all really. When I told him I was coming out to get his laptop to "recover", he was so mad when I showed up, he started a fight over something stupid and was yelling at me. My WS never gave up any information in the past, the only time I got any aknowledgement of anything was when I actually had printed out all the information and pictures I found. Then he only "admitted' to what I found...and never really any remorse. So...he has no problem lying directly to me. Well, on Thursday I went into his e-mail that I still have access to, and found the "nifty" little "recover all delted emails". Up came a confirmation and password and thank you for downloading "privacy star"....which is an application for cellphones. When I went to the website using his cellphone number and the password provided, says account does not exist. So...he registered it to a different cellphone? I "pretended' to update his Blackberry today, and asked him he had recently tried to download privacystar...blank look..."Nope, I don't even know what that is"....I said. "Well, they would have sent you a password to open it up, but only after you downloaded it..."Nope, I never received anything like that". I have a copy of the email, I even printed it off. What should my next step be? please help


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Your husband is a pathological liar and sadly will continue to be one unless you decide on a major shift. 

Don't say anything to him, in the interim get your ducks in a row , open a separate account, transfer all monies to this account, see an attorney and have a draft separation agreement prepared. 

When ready sit with him and tell him that you have hard evidence of his doings , he has one chance to come clean in writing on everything . Inform him you will be arranging a polygraph , if he declines either of these file for official separation, expose his lies to his family letting them know that once again he is practicing deceit .

You could arrange an MC session where you meet the MC some days before hand and explain that for any recovery you require radical honesty from him, if the MC is not fully onboard and supportive of you, dump them.

I don't see any other way forward other than playing a hard line, I suspect he will lie even if the hard evidence is in front of him. I suspect your marriage will never recover unless he changes. Be prepared to go your own way, he either loves you unconditionally or you move on, there is no difficult decision here. What is difficult for you is to accept that after this last chance you will have to move on for your own well being.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

And run the 180 .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EmeraldEyez (Jun 17, 2011)

Do you think OW might have gotten him an extra cellphone, I have access to all of financials and his pay stubs...there isn't any extra money going anywhere...I just don't want to be "neurotic"...but the deletion of the history one day and then the privacy star e-mail confirmation the next at 7:20 am, his shift starts at 7 am, he selectively went in and deleted only that email that day and it had been opened. He receives that email on his blackberry while at work. I feel like I am losing my mind, the bid DDay for me was almost 5 years ago now, but I have no idea what's happened since then, honestly. I track our cell phones, his email (the one I know of) and checked his history on his computer every once in a while. He's not the kind that gets into anything emotional, it's always just "hooking up"...so no need for a lot of contact for him. He could be leaving the extra cellphone in his desk at work, and I'd never know. I'm I being a little crazy over this deleted history and privacy star e-mail? How would I even begin to track anything if all he's doing is hooking up, and his job allows him the freedom to be meeting someone and doing this without anyone knowing. He works on a military shooting range on a base way out in the middle of no where, has a work truck and is frequently "out running errands" while at work. 85-90% of the time he is by himself with no one else ever around....so??


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

This is so much craziness. Why not just take care of you? You know he's cheating.. You know he's lying. Do what you need to do and screw that guy (not literal).


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

You can analyse his to death, he could have paid cash for the phone, it could be his work phone , it could have been paid for by her. There is so much here that shouts at you. What is clear is there are to many red flags. These and his behaviour is causing you stress . Sometimes you have to step back , breathe and start focusing on what you want. Form a circle of married female friends, go out with them , take as much of the cash as you can as often as you can into a secure account. 

Making these preparations gives you the strength to know that when you decide to give him his last shot you are ready act out your decisions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EmeraldEyez (Jun 17, 2011)

Thank you, Eli-zor...you make some very good points. My stomach is so jacked, head hurts, panic attacks, and it is all "red flags". I think I'm pretty scared to face the "truth" of it all, and try to start over. I don't really know anyone here


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

It's going to tough, the 180 is designed to help you sort yourself out and gain control . Planning is key, understand where where you will be in a few monhs from now, don't let your emotions govern you , easy to say I know , you have to get control of yourself to help you think clearly. At this moment your husband is lying and probaly cheating, only he knows and he has no intention of telling the truth or making the changes to support your marriage.

If /when you do move on get a bad ass attorney and fleece him, waywards need money to make life comfortable leave him with little.

The 180 below.

Marriage Builders® Discussion Forums: Divorce busting 180 degree list

Take gentle steps one day at a time as long as it is forward.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

EmeraldEyez said:


> Do you think OW might have gotten him an extra cellphone, I have access to all of financials and his pay stubs...there isn't any extra money going anywhere...I just don't want to be "neurotic"...but the deletion of the history one day and then the privacy star e-mail confirmation the next at 7:20 am, his shift starts at 7 am, he selectively went in and deleted only that email that day and it had been opened. He receives that email on his blackberry while at work. I feel like I am losing my mind, the bid DDay for me was almost 5 years ago now, but I have no idea what's happened since then, honestly. I track our cell phones, his email (the one I know of) and checked his history on his computer every once in a while. He's not the kind that gets into anything emotional, it's always just "hooking up"...so no need for a lot of contact for him. He could be leaving the extra cellphone in his desk at work, and I'd never know. I'm I being a little crazy over this deleted history and privacy star e-mail? How would I even begin to track anything if all he's doing is hooking up, and his job allows him the freedom to be meeting someone and doing this without anyone knowing. He works on a military shooting range on a base way out in the middle of no where, has a work truck and is frequently "out running errands" while at work. 85-90% of the time he is by himself with no one else ever around....so??


Except for what he does for a living and not being emotionally involved your H sounds like mine with the 5yr thing. But I say yes to the fact the she or he may have gotten a spare phone. You can get those phones anywhere without a contract and put minutes on it for just a few dollars so you may never miss the money. I found the one the OW got my H in a shoe in his travel bag when we where out if town. And if he had a wk truck that only he uses it could be in there or his desk. He maybe wking the messages from his phone so still keep and eye on the bill. It sill show up. He is covering his tracks so the deleted emails are not your imagination. You are not crazy. Never think that. That's what they want.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

sexuallyfustrated said:


> You are not crazy. Never think that. That's what they want.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


They want to pull the "why don't you trust me" card. Gaslighting you. 
If your gut says it is still on. Then it is still on. 

The real issue here is that _*five years on *_you still have _zero trust_ for the man you married and live with. 

That is no way to live your life!


The 180 is very powerful. It is very hard to when you start but becoming more you sort of becomes a habit in a month or two. 
It will get you out of this agony. It is about YOU and YOUR needs.


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## EmeraldEyez (Jun 17, 2011)

Ok..not that it changes anything you are all telling me, I hear you, and I'm nodding in agreement while the rest of me still wants to "believe the best and try to deny"...but here is a little more about me. This is my second marriage. We have been married ten years, I have two children from my first marriage they are 10 and 12. Yes, one was only 9 months old when we met, and about a year when we got married. I have no family...at all..none. I have no friends because, being military (he's retired now) we moved all over the place. One of my sons is special needs and is non-verbal. Due to the crappy school sytems that just want to shove him in a corner, I homeschool him. I have been the stay at home mom/wife....to him and them. I was one of those that thought if I cooked, cleaned, took good care of myself, and took care of "every" need. Loved him, showered him with affection and romantic things, our marriage would be safe. I had two rules when I agreed to marry him, never cheat on me, and never hurt my kids. I told him he could just tell me, and I would "walk away"...no fighting, he knows from my first marriage and divorce, I'm not vindictive or mean....Well, no matter how hard I tried all it took was "well they were easy"....that's it...availability...and he threw me away. He never showed remorse, he denied, blamed me, called me insecure, then I showed him actual proof, he "agreed" to what I'd found, but then I was told to "get over it", He goes to work and comes home. Yet, his job allows him all the time and "availability" of the "easy" ones, that he can handle. He works several "night shifts" through the month, and I've had to just "trust" that it is what he says it is. Now, these weird things are happening. Some of my things have even come up missing from the house? What, is getting off and giving his "hook ups" little things of mine? I have read on other places here that other WH "affaired-down"...the ones he was with, *gag*...I mean really??? I asked him if they weren't attractive, what was it? Were they nice, sweet, funny, what? His answer..."No, they were just "there"..." Now, I have to figure out how to stand up (I'm not good at this with a man), and how I'm going to leave , where I will go, and how will I be able to take care of my kids. Any advice or comments, as long as you aren't tearing me to shreds, are greatly appreciated.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Your not leaving. He is.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

ing said:


> Your not leaving. He is.


Agreed!! Take consult a lawyer if you must. It is not being vindictive it's securing you and your kids future without to much more upset and hardship to the victims involved. I actually don't think your husband feels you will leave him. That he has you under his thumb. With everything you described he may feel you have no other option but to deal with it. It is up to you weather you want to choose to prove him wring on that. What ever you choose do not allow him to take your self esteem it is one of the hardest things to get back. I have to contently drill it onto my Aunt's head about the man of 20yrs that she is not married to and treats her as something to do inbetween woman. I use to do the things you spoke of for and to my husband thinking it would keep him from straying. It didn't. While his us one woman that he has emotional ties to still it does not make it any better. Do what you must for you but get things in order to show that you can be independent.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

EmeraldEyez said:


> I think I'm pretty scared to face the "truth" of it all, and try to start over. I don't really know anyone here




This is what is so painful. To come to terms and finally say it out loud. I am frozen in fear as well... 

I try to live by "fool me once shame on me, fool me twice shame on you"...it is so hard to follow through 

~sammy


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## NessaRae (Aug 14, 2011)

I'm so sorry you're going through what you have to go through. If he understands that his behavior is unacceptable and will cause you to leave, then he is saying he is okay with that risk. I'm not going to try and be a judge, I don't know you and your guys's relationship, but if he is deleting his history and all that, he is more than aware that you don't trust him and that you are looking through his stuff. Whatever reasons you have for looking through his stuff are yours (clearly you have more than enough reason/proof to be suspicious of his activities), but secretly going through his things is as bad as him secretly going behind your back with other women. There is no trust between you guys, and if there is no trust, there is nothing there. You need to find a way out.
It seems he does not understand the emotional significance that sex has to you seeing as he is using sex for his own personal pass-time. Just because he is keeping it a secret does not make it okay! It still hurts because he is still doing it and he is still giving a part of himself away that belongs to you and you alone! If he can't understand this basic truth, then he can't do what is necessary to be a faithful and loving husband.


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## EmeraldEyez (Jun 17, 2011)

Ok, I appreciate the support and the advice, very much, thank you. However...


> secretly going through his things is as bad as him secretly going behind your back with other women


First, there was nothing said that I was "secretly going behind his back", the only part of owning up to his past transgressions was complete transparency on his part. I have his password, because he gave it to me. I checked the computer and his email frequently at first, but it had tapered off almost completely. Then his behaviour changed and started setting off red flags again, so I looked, but not secretly or behind his back. In no way shape or form do I see looking at his history and email, even if he didn't know, as bad as him screwing nameless skanks behind my back. His transgressions are mean, malicious, a betrayal of vows, and could potentialy kill me. Big difference there...but hey, you have your opinion and I have mine.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

put a keylogger on his laptop and the home computer. You will be able to see everything he does. If you believe there is a another phone, put a var in his car.


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## EmeraldEyez (Jun 17, 2011)

Thank you, 8 years....great advice!


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

If you have no evidence of another phone he could be using an APP google voice, skype etc. I only found some peace when i did the 180 finally understood i could not control my WW and decided to deal with it and live for me and the kids. Get an IC confide in one close friend if you do not take care of you. Detatch. Good luck, stay strong.


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## EmeraldEyez (Jun 17, 2011)

Ok...I can put a keylogger on his computer, but I think he has probably went underground with anything he might be doing on there. I think he is probably accessing internet and doing all other "incriminating things" on either his blackberry, or probably the "other phone" I think he is probably using. I can't use a VAR, because he is either in his "office" at work...which I have no access too, or he is in his work truck while there, and I have no access to that either. Now, even if he is using another phone to "do his thing", he will always have his blackberry with him, in case I call, or work needs him. I have heard about programs you can download to their phones, that turn on and let you listen "through that phone" as to what is going on around them. Do these really work, anyone have any experience with any and know of any good ones?


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Most require you gain access to the phone and many have monthly fees. If you can gain access that may be the best thing to do.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

WHY don't you just tell him you don't trust his secrecy and must have complete transparency including his phone? Secrescy is for the bathroom talking a crap. Not in an already damaged marriage. Even if it was 10 years ago, he should be willing to give you all the access you need to calm your fears.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

EmeraldEyez said:


> Ok...I can put a keylogger on his computer, but I think he has probably went underground with anything he might be doing on there. I think he is probably accessing internet and doing all other "incriminating things" on either his blackberry, or probably the "other phone" I think he is probably using. I can't use a VAR, because he is either in his "office" at work...which I have no access too, or he is in his work truck while there, and I have no access to that either. Now, even if he is using another phone to "do his thing", he will always have his blackberry with him, in case I call, or work needs him. I have heard about programs you can download to their phones, that turn on and let you listen "through that phone" as to what is going on around them. Do these really work, anyone have any experience with any and know of any good ones?



Who is the network provider that he uses for his main phone?


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## Tap1214 (Aug 14, 2011)

I feel so bad for you, because your life with him is so dysfunctional and is full of deceit and lies. Is this how you want to live for another 5 years, constantly wondering if he's cheating etc? He's a pathological liar and has proven to you over and over again that you cannot trust him. You deserve so much better and think how your stress / unhappiness is affecting your children?? Please go see a MC together and if he refuses, then it's time for you to pack up and move on!!


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Tap - it takes years to fully heal - in D or R. If you love the person, you fight for it until you can't. If Emerald wants to try, NO ONE should advise moving on and paint ugly pictures from a crystal ball.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

By the way, that is one of the rules/guidelines of this site.


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## EmeraldEyez (Jun 17, 2011)

His main phone, (it's actually in my name) is AT&T. No, I don't want to live another 5 years like this, I don't want to live another day like this, but my vows are more to me than words, and just because he broke his, I'm not ok with breaking mine. I am not saying what I'm doing is for anyone else, but it is where I find myself right now. I do still love him, but...when things go wacky the trust he broke is still splinter thin and snaps easily. I want to fight to build it back. Yes...I could walk away, but I would be leaving my heart behind. I'm not ready to throw it all away yet. Thank you for all your help, encouragement, and support...I appreciate it so, so very much.


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## clb0208 (Aug 15, 2011)

I am so sorry for your situation. I can only imagine how you are feeling. Has he been at all remorseful about his previous As? Him telling you to "just get over it" doesn't sound like he is committed to R. If he has never been honest with you in the past, then there is no question that the evidence he is denying are pointing toward more infidelity. How is he treating you when you are confronting him about it? Is he shrugging it off? Is he angry with you for calling him out? 

I commend you for trying everything possible to make this marriage work, and I wish you the absolute best. But the best is not your current living situation, for you or your children. You shouldn't have to spend the rest of your life questioning every word out of his mouth, and every movement he makes. 

I am in the early stages of R with my H. His EA has wrecked me inside and out! He claims that he is committed to fixing our marriage, and his actions have shown that so far. Even so, I am having a very difficult time with everything, and question if I can go forward everyday. I can only imagine how I would feel if his response to my confrontation was along the lines of what you heard. 

YOU can only do so much to fix your marriage. He has to make major changes and support you as much as humanly possible. You didn't ask for this, it is up to him to do what it takes to relieve these insecurities. If he is not doing these things, then I agree with much of what the others on here are saying. Do what is best for you and your kids. Find real happiness! Good luck to you. I truly hope that you find some peace, and rest for your heart.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Atts website for phone records is great. You can go back almost a year. You can list data and calls for each phone on the account. You can also create an phone book with all known contacts. Once you've done that and turn it on all the numbers in the bill will now show the names you entered in contacts! Makes it much easier to identify which numbers are not contacts normally called or texted. Just remember, NEVER reveal exactly what you find or how you find it or that source will get shut down or changed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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