# Ex regrets everything - WTF!?!



## Mothra777 (Apr 10, 2012)

Ok for starters...here is my story if you are not familiar:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...use-separation-wife-dating-sites-already.html

Yesterday I get a text asking if she could 'talk'. I assumed it was to be about the upcoming sale of the house or child care arrangements. So I invite her around. The moment she starts talking she bursts into tears. She told me she had just had an individual counselling session with our previous marriage counselor. 

In a nutshell she has had a couple of major anxiety attacks requiring therapy in the past month immediately after the anniversary of our son's adoption and also his 8th birthday...trigger events I thought would be tough but I handled them quite well. She then tells me she misses her family and is deeply regretful for not trying harder when we were in marriage counselling. I asked her if it is just our son that she was missed or me as well....she said both. She said she cannot cope with the fact that I have completely shut down to her (see, the 180 no contact does work!) and she has asked me to catch up with her once a fortnight for a coffee and to talk. Throughout this I remained stone faced whilst listened. I did not talk much, just listened...to be honest I did not see this coming and was a little shocked.

I am so f%#king confused right now. The past four months have involved a huge amount of pain followed by a serious amount of self assessment and emotional adjustments as I have tried to move on and face life as a single person. I said I would never be the 'back up husband' whilst she goes and gets it on with someone else to see if the grass is greener...and now she drops this on me. 

Of course the easiest thing to do would be to forgive and forget, jump back on the horse and try again. Financially it would be easier and it would be so much better for our son (if it worked out). Single life and dating also scares the crap out of me. But at the same time getting back together would be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Although she did not plainly say 'let's try again', I know that this is what she is wanting.

I thought the initial separation was hard - this has left me equally as shocked and confused. She hurt me so deeply - I can still remember vividly the mess she left me in when she dropped the bomb on our marriage. It is a pain that I never ever want to experience again and if we were to give it a second go - there is every chance that this could happen again. Then there is the fact that she has been seeing and sleeping with someone else...I don't know if I can deal with that? Then there is the detachment I have been working on over the past few months where my feelings for her have dissolved to a point that I am not sure I could bring back the love I once had for her.

Anyway, I thought I would share and ask if anyone has been through something similar. If so, how did it pan out? I know most will say 'don't do it' and she does not deserve it but we were married for 17 years and have an 8 year old boy who adores us both. Is there hope?


----------



## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

obviously there is hope. your problem is "choice". choice is much more difficult than the other thing. 

don't know if you wanted to find yourself in this position but certainly a lot of us have dreamed of it. only you can measure the cost of trying again. the only advice i'm qualified to give you is: easy out; slow return. no matter how you move forward from this point, do so as though you are walking on eggshells so that you are aware of your decisions along the path. That way you won't have any regrets.

Best of luck!


----------



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Sounds like she still wants you to be her "backup". It's possible that she sees that the grass is definitely NOT greener out there, that it is indeed a cruel world and that her "swinging bachelorette" lifestyle is a bust (probably could only attract scuzbuckets on those sites!). In short, she probably only regrets losing her security net.


----------



## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I agree with Orpheus. I think the decision should be based on soley how you feel about the whole situation. I do think people make mistakes and if she is willing to work her @ss off to make it up to you and never do anything like that again, then I believe forgiveness would be a greater gift for yourself (not just her). You know her the best. Does she seem remorseful? Do you think she has what it takes to make the situation right? I also think your son has endured enough in life and the pain he is going through is worth giving it another try if you can find it deep in your heart to do so. I do think some boundaries and guidlines in the event of R should be set up. Therapy is a must for both of you as well as together. Effort has to be put in by both of you.

Orpheus is right, I could only dream of my spouse's regret and the possibility of a 2nd chance at our marriage. I hope you make the best decision for yourself and your child. Good luck.


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

And you have no idea what she did when she moved out.

She has not asked outright to move back, right? I agree with F-102 that she's still looking at you as the backup.

She doesnt like that you shut her down because then you are not the backup.

Continue with the 180. 

If she's really remorseful and wants to reconcile, she'll have to do the heavy work to rebuild. Until she does so, she's not wanting to reconcile.

Essentially, she broke the marriage, she needs to do most of the work to fix it. (I'm not saying you shouldnt continue to work on yourself.)


----------



## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

aug said:


> If she's really remorseful and wants to reconcile, she'll have to do the heavy work to rebuild. Until she does so, she's not wanting to reconcile.
> 
> QuOTE]
> 
> I have heard others say this. What does the work actually mean? What is she suppose to do when someone is totally ignoring her with the 180. Isn't her attempt to talk the first step in that? I don't know, part of me thinks the 180 is just playing head games too and two wrongs don't make a right.


----------



## Mothra777 (Apr 10, 2012)

I think the 180 was the reason she got to this point but I remain unsure what effect 'no contact' will have from here onwards. I have not made any decision as to how to proceed as yet. She did leave saying she would email me as it was difficult to talk with our son within earshot. I'll see what this email contains and decide what to do then. But if she is after just friendship then I am not going there...if she seriously wants to attempt to reconcile, then I have a heck of a lot of thinking to do.


----------



## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

Saying she misses you might be true but it is all she has said, right? Do not start reading into things so fast. 

Make your choices for you.


----------



## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

I dream of my husband wanting to R. Much as I want it, however, there would be some conditions:

1. Cut off all ties with OW
2. Live somewhere else, not at home, until we see how it goes
3. Date me so that we can see if there is anything there
4. Attend MC with me

No matter how much I want it, I wouldn't let him just waltz back into the marriage.

That's what I would do.


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Simply put, talk is cheap. Let her by her continuous actions show that she has the intention to renew the marriage. This will take a lot of work on her part to do that.

A good start would be for her to be honest and transparent on why she wanted the separation. And she needs to account for what she did during the separation. Did she have another man and then got dumped? Was she having ONS? Did she stayed home every night and meditated?

Maybe, you need to have her take a lie detector test to see if there was another man?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sometimes I think that WS, like your wife, are going through a period of an emotional breakdown. They are unhappy and thus blame in on their spouse. It's a lot easier to blame someone else then it is to take responsibility for one's own happiness.

Perhaps she has finally come to the point where she realizes that she has problem, not you. That it was not you making her unhappy. If this is the case, you are not the backup. She just had to go through this terrible time to figure out one of life's most important lessons.. we are each responsible for our own wellbeing/happiness. There is only so much we can expect from another person.

The romantic in me hopes the two of you get back together and create a new marriage that is many times better than anything you had before. I hope that you son witnesses this growth and overcoming in obstacles with you and your wife.

Yes happy endings do happen sometimes.

You know the boundaries to put in place, the need for MC, etc.

If you do get back together I also highly suggest you get the books linked to in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage adn the two of you work through them together.


----------



## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

aug said:


> Simply put, talk is cheap. Let her by her continuous actions show that she has the intention to renew the marriage. This will take a lot of work on her part to do that.
> 
> A good start would be for her to be honest and transparent on why she wanted the separation. And she needs to account for what she did during the separation. Did she have another man and then got dumped? Was she having ONS? Did she stayed home every night and meditated?
> 
> Maybe, you need to have her take a lie detector test to see if there was another man?


I think insisting on a lie detector test would kill any chance of successful R.


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Frostflower said:


> I think insisting on a lie detector test would kill any chance of successful R.


Maybe?

But he needs the confidence he's not buying a pig in a poke.

If they reconciled without full knowledge and confidence, the uncertainty can gnaw away at any stability the marriage may have.


----------



## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

aug said:


> Maybe?
> 
> But he needs the confidence he's not buying a pig in a poke.
> 
> If they reconciled without full knowledge and confidence, the uncertainty can gnaw away at any stability the marriage may have.


As could the knowledge that the man you love wanted you to take a lie detector test.

If he can't believe her, he shouldn't be with her.


----------



## Desert2Ocean (Aug 18, 2012)

Try to remember it took some time to build to the point where she said she wanted a divorce. You mentioned that she regrets not trying harder. You need to know why she didn't give her full effort when she had the chance. This issue needs to be truly explored or it will return with a vengeance and leave you and your child hurt again.

What have you learned about yourself, your wife and your marriage through this difficult and painful process? Don't abandon these thoughts but rather explore them with her in intensive counseling if you want to reconcile.

My wife filed for divorce but came back to me three times crying saying she wanted to reconcile only to change her mind within 48 hours. Don't rush into anything as this could be a moment of remorse only to be cast away when the next shiny distraction comes along. Through my own personal growth, I was able to see that she was looking for me to comfort her rather than deal with the true issues she faced. This on and off was also very confusing for our children, keep yours out of this until it is a sure thing one way or another.

I wish you well but remember, you both will have to work harder than ever before in order give your marriage a real chance. If either of you isn't 10000% committed then now is not the time to reconcile.


----------



## Mothra777 (Apr 10, 2012)

@aug - there was definitely another man. I know this and should we attempt to reconcile then this will be the hardest thing for me do deal with. Both the fact that she has slept with someone else and it would also make me feel like the 'back up' husband that I said I would not be. What I don't know is whether she was dumped by the new guy and has now come running back to me.

Desert2Ocean could be right and it may just be her feeling this way momentarily. I think I will leave the next move up to her and wait for her email before I start making any major decisions on where to go from here. 

I'll update once I know more.

Thanks everyone for the advice - much appreciated.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Mothra777 said:


> @aug - there was definitely another man. I know this and should we attempt to reconcile then this will be the hardest thing for me do deal with. Both the fact that she has slept with someone else and it would also make me feel like the 'back up' husband that I said I would not be. What I don't know is whether she was dumped by the new guy and has now come running back to me.
> 
> Desert2Ocean could be right and it may just be her feeling this way momentarily. I think I will leave the next move up to her and wait for her email before I start making any major decisions on where to go from here.
> 
> ...


No harm in talking.

See if she owns it.

Get back to us.


----------



## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Conrad said:


> No harm in talking.
> 
> See if she owns it.
> 
> Get back to us.


 
I like you Conrad. You are good guy with solid advice always. You are not too quick to jump or ridicule and see the glass half full and not always half empty. You are a solid guy who seems to carefully think things through before speaking. I like that in a person. 

I am praying for guidance for you Mothra in your decision making process. I know you are in a tough situation even though we all wish so desparately to be on the receiving end of our spouses wising up. Go slow and don't jump too quickly. Slow and steady wins the race.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

sadwithouthim said:


> I like you Conrad. You are good guy with solid advice always. You are not too quick to jump or ridicule and see the glass half full and not always half empty. You are a solid guy who seems to carefully think things through before speaking. I like that in a person.
> 
> I am praying for guidance for you Mothra in your decision making process. I know you are in a tough situation even though we all wish so desparately to be on the receiving end of our spouses wising up. Go slow and don't jump too quickly. Slow and steady wins the race.


Sad,

If my advice is solid, there's only one reason.

I once heard an "expert" is someone who has made every possible mistake at least once.

So, with that in mind, I very well could be a relationship "expert".

My conviction is that love isn't nearly as easy to find as it may seem. Many waywards eventually come to that conclusion as well. So, someone like Mothra has - literally - nothing to lose by re-examining the minefield that was his marriage.

She may actually be sincere.

Yet, I do think the "every two week catch-up" thing does sound a bit like crumbs of love. But, it won't hurt to listen.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

She's not committing to anything.

All she did was try to wind the string a little tighter around you because she was having trouble leading you around.

Untie it, go back to the 180 and don't agree to her weekly "coffee time"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

If and when you do reconcile, insist in her taking and STD test before you get intimate again.


----------



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Mothra777 said:


> Ok for starters...here is my story if you are not familiar:
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...use-separation-wife-dating-sites-already.html
> 
> ...


I really feel for you . I've just been hit myself , and my first issue well apart from my daughter , is now becoming do I even want her back bc I dunno if I do.
If not for my daughter and property/financial stuff , I don't think I'd give her another chance even if she does want one.
To me if she can do this , then she's not who I thought she was and really , I'm not putting my life back into her hands. 
How could I ever trust her and us again, don't think I'd get past that.


----------



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Another thing I'm having trouble with here is what - once a f'n fortnight, if my wife asks me for that she can go get f'd .
That's an insult to you , she wants out but wants you to hold her hand while she moves on or flickers from one way and back again.She misses you guys but she doesn't know to what degree. Shove the coffee I say.
My wife says I'm the coolest guy she's ever known and she'll always love me but it's all taken too much out of her and she's lost the right kind of love , well f'k that . I haven't been to hell and back for us and our family to be friends and hold her hand after what she's done.Aren't you spose to respect a friend , I don't have any respect for her after this .
I'm starting to think it's all or nothing for me and I don't even know as I was saying if I want all anyway now with someone that can do this.


----------



## Mothra777 (Apr 10, 2012)

I agree the once a fortnight thing is ridiculous and not something I would settle for if that is all she is offering. But I got the feeling she suggested that timeframe as she was under the impression that I would not want to see her more often than that - probably a result of 'no contact' and 'going dark'

I just need to wait for her next contact and find out what she is really wanting and then have a long hard think about what I am prepared to do. I am child free this weekend so it has been playing on my mind a great deal and I am mostly met with confusion. I know I miss the person I first met and married. I know I miss having a complete family and the financial stability of a dual income. I know I am lonely and cannot picture being with anyone else. But at the same time I do not miss the person who completely f%$ked me over by tearing out my heart, shattering my self-esteem and breaking up my family.

I guess I will know more over the next few days and will keep you posted. For all I know it might just have been a bad day for her and she'll be over me again by Monday.


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

She moved out, left her family, to have sex with another man. That's going to be a tough mental image to wipe out, now that it has been seared in your head for eternity.


----------



## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

Mine did in the first year of marriage. We were married for 1 years afterwards. My wife had an affair with my brother.

I managed to forgive and forget about it even though we are separated now over a separate issues.

You can do it..if you really want to .


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Mothra777 said:


> I am still in 'in house separation' hell!!
> 
> She promised me that she would cancel her dating site profile whilst she is still living in the same house. This ended up being a total lie. She had a 'hidden profile' for a few days but is now on there chatting to mean and giving out her phone number to several of them.
> 
> ...


Your older post. Trust will be hard after repeated lies. I think she got burned by the new guy and missed how you treated her. Keep up the 180


----------



## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Hear what she has to say. If she wants to reconcile ask what are you willing to do to save the marriage. Look for true remorse (no blameshifting, backtracking). And then think it over slowly and make sure that is what you want. Don't put yourself in a situation you really don't want to be in, know what I mean?


----------



## Mothra777 (Apr 10, 2012)

I still have not heard back from her and I am guessing that her feelings she expressed on Friday might only be a temporary thing.

I have had a long hard think about whether reconciling is something that I really want. There are all the things that would make it easy to say 'yes' such as having both of us there for our son and the stability of two incomes. But all the thinking I have done over the weekend forced me to dig up all the pain I suffered when she first dropped the bomb and it is something I never want to experience again. Revisiting these feelings had me crying in the first time in four months and then I felt angry at her for making me feel that way again. So, I guess I am not ready to jump into any form of reconciliation. I do have a feeling that she wants to have me as a friend but I have always made it clear that I never wanted to be JUST her friend. She does not get the parts of me she likes whilst she pursues someone else. 

I think the best method for me is to continue the 180 including the 'no contact' and 'going dark'. I need to continue as this did not happen unless (as suggested above) I see some true remorse, dedication and commitment on her part. Until then I am just going to sit back and observe whilst still planning my life as a single person. I think mentally it is the healthiest thing I can do right now...otherwise I could be strung along forever.


----------



## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

This sounds like a good plan. I am happy to see your continued healthy attitude. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Mothra, I think your current state of mind is the right one to be in. She said she'd send you an email to follow up, she hasn't. Pretty much every one of us wished for a tearful reconciliation speech from our spouses resulting in a new stronger marriage built on the truth...and most of us also fell for the tiny crumbs thrown our way, which fell far short of the dream.

You may have something here if your W comes around with that spectacular, earth-shattering email...and is willing to back up her words with action.

Meantime, keep doing the 180 - for real. Don't expect things to get better in your relationship, but make things beter for yourself. Feel free to consider it if she shows you something that you aren't expecting. You'll have support, just do what's right for you.


----------



## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I don't know how one can keep doing the 180 and expect reconciliation. Reconciliation just doesn't work without two parties commiting. 180 is just giving a cold shoulder. If someone was giving me a cold shoulder I wouldn't be inclined to email them back. Kind of why I didn't contact my husband for many many months. Only when he contacted me about our son or finances did I respond. She may just do the same. 

I personally would give it a week and then lay it all out on the line and honestly ask her what she is thinking and what she is willing to do to make it right. 

These game playing situations only make it worse IMO.


----------



## Mothra777 (Apr 10, 2012)

@sadwithouthim - I have decided to continue with the 180 for my own mental well being until I know what her next move is. It is not healthy for me to live in false hope over a few crumbs being thrown my way. If she offers something more genuine and substantial then of course I would open the line of communication and drop the 'no contact' aspects of the 180 but I would also tread very, very carefully as I don't want to live with uncertainty or a chance of being hurt so badly again.


----------



## donkler (May 21, 2012)

Mothra777 said:


> @sadwithouthim - I have decided to continue with the 180 for my own mental well being until I know what her next move is. It is not healthy for me to live in false hope over a few crumbs being thrown my way. If she offers something more genuine and substantial then of course I would open the line of communication and drop the 'no contact' aspects of the 180 but I would also tread very, very carefully as I don't want to live with uncertainty or a chance of being hurt so badly again.


Mothra, Im in the same situation my friend, I went 180, then 3 months later I let her in - she threw herself at me, we had sex, now shes gone and left me wondering what the fcuk it was all about.

Confused as hell, but this thread has helped me to return back to the 180, even though this time tho she knows she can come back whenever she likes, knowing I will jump back in.

BUT divorce is very clearly on the horizon, im just waiting for her signature on the financial agreement.

One big sick gamble.


----------



## Mothra777 (Apr 10, 2012)

Well, the email eventually came through - what a f&%king non event. It just went over the issues of our relationship that we have been over 100 times before. Then a whole lot of stuff about how she is grieving the loss of our relationship but at the same time does not want to go back to how it was....how she does not know what she wants and how confused she is at present. Sounds like all the **** I had to deal with months ago!

So yes, it appears Friday night's conversation was just breadcrumbs thrown my way probably to alleviate some of her guilt for ending our marriage and breaking up our family. What an idiot I was to think it was anything more. Why do ex's feel the need to screw with our heads like this???

My response was short and sharp. I basically said I see no purpose in maintaining a friendship as I never ever wanted to be JUST friends with her. I only ever wanted her as a wife and lover. I asked her not to call on me for any emotional support as I am no longer her husband and I am dealing with my own issues as I try to rebuild my life. 

I was doing so well and this just set me back weeks on my road to recovery. Pretty damn pissed off now.


----------



## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Mothra777 said:


> Well, the email eventually came through - what a f&%king non event. It just went over the issues of our relationship that we have been over 100 times before. Then a whole lot of stuff about how she is grieving the loss of our relationship but at the same time does not want to go back to how it was....how she does not know what she wants and how confused she is at present. Sounds like all the **** I had to deal with months ago!
> 
> So yes, it appears Friday night's conversation was just breadcrumbs thrown my way probably to alleviate some of her guilt for ending our marriage and breaking up our family. What an idiot I was to think it was anything more. Why do ex's feel the need to screw with our heads like this???
> 
> ...



I would bet lunch her and OM had a fight that night she came to see you. OR she felt like she was losing her back up plan. She hates that you are not chasing her and it appears to her you are doing just fine. While it may feel like a set back, this usually passes quickly. Hit the gym a bit more and work off that frustration. The mountain is always the steepest at the top. You got this!


----------



## stupidGuy (Jul 13, 2012)

> I was doing so well and this just set me back weeks on my road to recovery. Pretty damn pissed off now.


I know that feeling..and I hate it! 

Does she still has contact to OM?


----------



## Mothra777 (Apr 10, 2012)

I am not sure if she is still with the OM or not. I don't think she would tell me either way. My guess is that it did not work out and she wants emotional support from me until the next guy comes along...um, no thanks!


----------



## missmolly (Jun 10, 2012)

Mothra,
that was a really good response from you and says it all.
Hang in there.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Frostflower said:


> As could the knowledge that the man you love wanted you to take a lie detector test.
> 
> If he can't believe her, he shouldn't be with her.


Frost,

I think that she has already shown she can't be trusted. If I remember correctly, nothing was ever discussed about dating while they were separated yet almost as soon as she was out of the door "to figure things out" she was on the internet trying to hook-up.

IF she wants to put it back together, SHE needs to do EVERYTHING to satisfy the OP's needs and if a lie detector test is one of those things, so be it

OP, I also have doubts about both what she wants and what you want. In light of your "Then there is the fact that she has been seeing and sleeping with someone else" I'd have a hard time EVER getting past that or trusting her again.

She didn't give two sh!ts for the marriage or the child when she was out doing this. I'm willing to bet she got dumped a few times and realizes the security she gave up when she left you was something she now misses.

I also believe you're still plan B


----------



## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Frost,
> 
> I think that she has already shown she can't be trusted. If I remember correctly, nothing was ever discussed about dating while they were separated yet almost as soon as she was out of the door "to figure things out" she was on the internet trying to hook-up.
> 
> ...


I don't know. I think at some point you have to take that leap of faith no matter what possible dangers it could entail. Yes, you could get hurt again. But you might not.

I'm not saying Mothra should take that leap now. Its going to take a heck of a long time to build trust. 

The lie detector idea just gives me the heebie-jeebies.


----------



## Mothra777 (Apr 10, 2012)

She has asked to come over tonight and I have agreed. She did not say why - it could be just to talk about property settlement or care arrangements, who knows? I just hope it does not send me on a whirlwind of emotions again...I have only just stabilized after the weekend.


----------



## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

why the hell did you say yes then?


----------



## Mothra777 (Apr 10, 2012)

Morbid curiousity? A sucker for punishment perhaps? I don't know really. Maybe I am just after some definite finality so I can truly move on with no more doubt and confusion clouding my path forward. We'll see.


----------



## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Mothra777 said:


> Morbid curiousity? A sucker for punishment perhaps? I don't know really. Maybe I am just after some definite finality so I can truly move on with no more doubt and confusion clouding my path forward. We'll see.


If that's the case you should have said you were busy and schedule it ON YOUR TIME.


----------



## Mothra777 (Apr 10, 2012)

Ok. Turns out that she has been attending regular IC sessions with the MC who saw us when it all ended. She has predictably come to the realization that the grass is not greener out there and deeply regrets not trying harder. We talked for over an hour on where things went wrong and how she wants to try to reconnect with me. I mostly listened to what she had to say to guage the sincerity and to hear what actions she is prepared to take. The OM did not come into this conversation but it will be the biggest thing to overcome IF I decide to entertain the idea of reconciliation - that and the fear of being hurt again. We covered a lot of issues but I did not commit to anything...she probably expected the old 'nice guy' me to just say 'yes' but I am stronger than that now and need to have a long hard think about this. 

So here I am no clearer, just as confused as I was at the beginning of the thread. 

I know some of you out there will think I am completely nuts for even remotely considering the idea of reconciliation after the hell she has put me through but all throughout the 180 I have secretly hoped that she has noticed the changes in me (even though it is mostly for myself and my recovery). Whatever path I choose it will be slow and steady and I will be treading with the utmost caution with many MC sessions. I'll be sitting on this one for a few days whilst I get my head around it and decide how to proceed.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I don't think you're nuts.

Not for one minute.

What has she learned about herself in IC?


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Mothra,

No one will judge you if you wish to reconcile. This is your life, no one else's.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

alphaomega said:


> Mothra,
> 
> No one will judge you if you wish to reconcile. This is your life, no one else's.


Now, if you decide to work things out... and your GPS tells you she's continuing to hook up with posOM behind your back and you turn a blind eye?

You might see some lumber


----------



## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Only you can look in her eyes and try to read what she is saying. And anybody that judges you for doing EVERYTHING possible to save a marriage is a fool. 

I'm sure you know the rules of R. A no contact agreement, COMPLETE transparency and she must understand the damage she has done. Godspeed.


----------



## Mothra777 (Apr 10, 2012)

Well, a couple of weeks later and her interest in reconnecting seems to have disappeared. So it appears all of this was just a few breadcrumbs thrown my way and nothing more. It seems that she is feeling all the shock, sadness, confusion, anxiety and depression that I felt initially...perhaps the 'dumper' gets a delayed reaction, I don't know. But she is now going to IC on a weekly basis and has been prescribed stronger meds. Meanwhile I have come off the meds and am no longer attending IC. I know she definitely misses seeing her son on the days he is with me but deep down my gut feeling tells me she does not miss me much at all. 

Luckily, I am so much stronger now than I have ever been and remain quite unfazed by this latest development. I'm just going to move on, pretend it did not happen. Leave her to herself to do her soul searching and only ever consider the possibility of reconciling if I am absolutely sure that she is 100% committed to it...but by that stage I might be well and truly over her, who knows? Right now it is still about me and my relationship with my son and I am just going to concentrate on that for the time being.


----------



## jdlash (Jun 18, 2012)

I love your attitude! Her going to IC is a positive for you no matter what. The more she learns about herself, the better of a mom she can be!


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Mothra777 said:


> Well, a couple of weeks later and her interest in reconnecting seems to have disappeared. So it appears all of this was just a few breadcrumbs thrown my way and nothing more. It seems that she is feeling all the shock, sadness, confusion, anxiety and depression that I felt initially...perhaps the 'dumper' gets a delayed reaction, I don't know. But she is now going to IC on a weekly basis and has been prescribed stronger meds. Meanwhile I have come off the meds and am no longer attending IC. I know she definitely misses seeing her son on the days he is with me but deep down my gut feeling tells me she does not miss me much at all.
> 
> Luckily, I am so much stronger now than I have ever been and remain quite unfazed by this latest development. I'm just going to move on, pretend it did not happen. Leave her to herself to do her soul searching and only ever consider the possibility of reconciling if I am absolutely sure that she is 100% committed to it...but by that stage I might be well and truly over her, who knows? Right now it is still about me and my relationship with my son and I am just going to concentrate on that for the time being.


She has no clue what she wants.

People who search outside of themselves for happiness never ever find it.


----------



## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Conrad said:


> She has no clue what she wants.
> 
> People who search outside of themselves for happiness never ever find it.


I am finding more and more that this is quite true.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mothra777 (Apr 10, 2012)

It's been a while since I have made any updates...some of you might have thought that I decided to reconcile and have gone back to some of the happier threads on TAM. Unfortunately not the case. As stated in my last post above she has backpedaled on any interest in reconnecting but REALLY wants to maintain a friendship.

We have had a few meet ups but all it ends up being about is discussing where our relationship went wrong and fills my head with all the 'should haves' and 'could haves' that go around and around in circles but ultimately do not get me anywhere. She is always teary during these talks but I remain stone faced - I think I used up all my tears in the initial stages. These discussions seem to be for her benefit and assist her in moving on but they end up setting my progress back quite significantly. I also sit across from her remembering all I loved about her and how attractive I still find her - this does not help with my DETACH- DETACH-DETACH mantra. So I have decided to stop any further discussions unless they are about property settlement or issues relating to our son (with a preference for email). There is no way I am going to assist with her recovery whilst setting mine backwards - the old Mr Nice Guy would have happily done this but I have changed since then.

So I guess it is full steam ahead toward our divorce...legally this cannot happen until another 6 months but I feel it will be another important step in my recovery even though it will sadden me deeply.


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I think the old saying " best way to get over a woman is getting under another one" would apply to you. You deserve some peace and happiness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Keep contact with her to a minimum. All those comforting conversations are for is to benefit her and to let her justify within herself why it was okay for her to cheat on you. Don't engage with her anymore on that level. Let the next guy she hooks deal with that. She'll repeat the same behavior again and divorce again, and again, and again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BC3 (Sep 26, 2012)

Mothra,

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. I can relate as can a lot of people on this site. I'm probably not one for giving great advice at this point due to how new I am into my own situation, however I'll tell you what I've learned so far. Friends and family have helped me out so much. Stay strong my friend.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Good for you on nixing the 'get togethers'. That is why God invented e-mail and divorce attorneys.

If she tries to tell you that you need to be FRIENDS for your son's sake, tell her 'Nope. We need to be FRIENDLY exes, and that's ALL.'

Good luck!


----------



## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

Frostflower said:


> As could the knowledge that the man you love wanted you to take a lie detector test.
> 
> If he can't believe her, he shouldn't be with her.


A truth that cannot be more importantly expressed. I thought this would be what I wanted, but Conrad, another wise member mentioned if you want to get divorced, follow the above advice. 

Not saying it's going to be true for all situations but I think he's on to something.


----------



## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Mothra777 said:


> As stated in my last post above she has backpedaled on any interest in reconnecting but REALLY wants to maintain a friendship.


Late to the game here but I've read your story and this thread. My friend, the 180 is the 180 is the 180. You need to just stop responding to her texts and be too busy to meet up any more. Just let her "get" the message rather than delivering it to her directly. Why would anyone of character maintain a friendship with someone who broke up their family, lied to them, and then left them? 

Seriously. :scratchhead:


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

sandc said:


> Late to the game here but I've read your story and this thread. My friend, the 180 is the 180 is the 180. You need to just stop responding to her texts and be too busy to meet up any more. Just let her "get" the message rather than delivering it to her directly. Why would anyone of character maintain a friendship with someone who broke up their family, lied to them, and then left them?
> 
> Seriously. :scratchhead:


Not to mention banging posOM.

She's working to assuage her guilt.

No earthly reason to enable this - whether you still care for her or not.


----------



## Mothra777 (Apr 10, 2012)

Agreed...it's all been a waste of time and energy. A weak moment on my part, the 'nice guy' rearing his ugly head again. Ah well, lesson learned. Full speed ahead to my recovery now.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Mothra777 said:


> Agreed...it's all been a waste of time and energy. A weak moment on my part, the 'nice guy' rearing his ugly head again. Ah well, lesson learned. Full speed ahead to my recovery now.


I disagree.

You found out what she wanted.

Now, you don't have to wonder.

She's still as self-absorbed as she was when she took up with posOM.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Same with my ex. Except she has a new POSOM every Friday and Saturday night.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

My take on it is that she is trying to wheedle her way back in but trying to do it with as little strategic cost to herself as possible. which is why you are getting the drip drip of I have changed etc.

I suspect that as divorce approaches she will become more and more desperate culminating in a snivelling "please please take me back" scenario.
This part of your thread rather mirrors Hunter411's thread where his wayward wife is now practically begging to return to the marital home after several affairs and saying that "it was like living with my dad"


----------



## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

Mothra777 said:


> Ok for starters...here is my story if you are not familiar:
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...use-separation-wife-dating-sites-already.html
> 
> ...


i'm living the exact same thing mothra & truly struggling with it badly, i thought that this is what i've always wanted, now i dont know


----------



## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Sometimes I think that WS, like your wife, are going through a period of an emotional breakdown. They are unhappy and thus blame in on their spouse. It's a lot easier to blame someone else then it is to take responsibility for one's own happiness.
> 
> Perhaps she has finally come to the point where she realizes that she has problem, not you. That it was not you making her unhappy. If this is the case, you are not the backup. She just had to go through this terrible time to figure out one of life's most important lessons.. we are each responsible for our own wellbeing/happiness. There is only so much we can expect from another person.
> 
> ...


your words are wise elegirl, mine knows she has problems & they're not all my fault


----------

