# I love you but...



## InspiralImplode (Jun 13, 2017)

Hi All, 

I have a few things I would like advice on... thanks in advance. 

[Blended family of 18 years haven't been easy (my daughter, his daughter off to college and our son still home)]

A couple of weeks ago my husband uttered the classic "I love you but I'm not in love with you" bit. I actually even gave him the weak line saying I was waiting for him to say it. Gee what's the most f**ked up thing you haven't said yet? He never really has said "I love you". He said he didn't love me several different ways a few weeks ago. And many other cruel things. Things have improved since then but he hasn't said anything more on that. He has made an effort to be sweet, be home (yeah what?) and many many other so called "acts of love" since. Otherwise, he generally stonewalls conversations. I bought it up this weekend and he didn't say much of course. Really, if he has the capacity to say he doesn't love me several times, but not to say otherwise ... that makes me pathetic ? And him an ass?

Also, recently if I bring up most anything of concern to him all he says in return is "OK." 

"I made dinner, you could call if you're an hour late" ... "OK." 

As in the paragraph above, "you haven't really made any effort to rectify the 'I'm not in love with you' statements since you said them." *"OK."* Like ... see I'm not stonewalling I said ok. 

After some smart ass response from me... He then follows up with some "I can't tell you I love you after you said that. It would mean nothing." And now several months will follow with more nothing on that. 

I have read when someone says "I love you but I'm not in love with you" believe them. But sometimes he does otherwise. 

Meh. Please your opinions. Unforgettable? Thanks in advance again.




Off to respond to others posts...


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## Wife5362 (Oct 30, 2013)

"I love you but I'm not in love with you" - usually means that there is someone else he is involved with or at least interested in. Do you have access to his phone, laptop, etc. Does he show any other signs of an affair? New cloths, weight loss, overly attached to his phone, working late hours?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

He seems to be probing... what exactly to you think he is looking for?


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## InspiralImplode (Jun 13, 2017)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> He seems to be probing... what exactly to you think he is looking for?


Which part seems probing? Im not sure he cares like that.


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## InspiralImplode (Jun 13, 2017)

Wife5362 said:


> "Do you have access to his phone, laptop, etc. Does he show any other signs of an affair? New cloths, weight loss, overly attached to his phone, working late hours?


Yes, all of the above. And always has. A source of endless contention. Despite the Ft Knox security, I recently went through his phone and found very little. I do think tracks had been covered. Now Ft Knox is kept at heightened security. He says there is a difference between privacy and keeping his phone unlocked. 

I know I know.


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## InspiralImplode (Jun 13, 2017)

Everything I need to know is in my face.

He needs blow jobs, I need I love you.
He gets blow jobs, I get nothing. (because after I ask for it, it means nothing)

He says ILYBINILWY or I don't love you as much anymore 
Then he says things like but I come home to you every night, but I fixed the fence. "Im not going anywhere"

He tells me he can't leave because he can't afford divorce or because I don't have a job (insert lame excuse)
Tells me to get a job. But cuddles with me at night. 

Sex is not an issue with us, but recently has been trying lots of new things.

There was a woman he was taking to lunch (i didn't know) and was talking with much more than I knew. 
But says he hasn't seen her since I said no and that I can read the emails because they are boring. He says he is not her type. She does have a boyfriend now, but her last boyfriend (who dressed as a female) was married (to a woman). 
He has since said to me and a marriage counselor it was all wrong. They still talk by email.

He goes to the gym late often. He started in January.
Sometimes he sends photos of himself there.
I still catch daily male attention at age 46 and he knows it.

He hugs, kisses and looks at me a lot.
He often mentions looking at women in leggings and boobs in general... not just me specific.


What is happening here?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

InspiralImplode said:


> Which part seems probing? Im not sure he cares like that.


To see how far he can stretch the relationship.

Seems like quite a ways...


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

InspiralImplode said:


> Everything I need to know is in my face.
> 
> He needs blow jobs, I need I love you.
> He gets blow jobs, I get nothing. (because after I ask for it, it means nothing)
> ...


Sounds like a rather testy relationship... are you still in counseling?

With all that going on, I would say his actions mirror his words.

Do what it takes to get yourself self-sufficient... back to school, additional training, something that produces a sustainable living wage to meet your needs.

Then you have options for choices should you decide to remove the suffering.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*9.5 chances out of 10, that infamous line usually always means that there's somebody else that they're already in the process of pleasuring, or are seriously wanting to pleasure!

Let's just say that there it certainly wouldn't hurt to start some serious and covert "recon" on all of his social media devices!*


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## InspiralImplode (Jun 13, 2017)

We quit counseling. One psychologist saw he and I separate a few times, and then us together 3 times. He told me to leave my husband. Wonder what he knew...


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

It sounds a bit like what I have been going through for the last 18months. 
The best thing I did was to stop sleeping with him (sex) I feel for you it's hard. I hope your situation resolves itself soon it's been 18 months of hell for me.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

InspiralImplode said:


> Hi All,
> 
> I have a few things I would like advice on... thanks in advance.
> 
> ...



When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time.

Tell him, you believe him and you want a divorce. Better still go and see a lawyer and get the papers drawn up. Hand them to him

There are many red flags that he has had an affair or in an affair

1. ILBNILWY
2. Trying new sexual things 
3. lack of emotions for you
4. Creating arguments/fights

Would suggest you keep your eyes open, he may have taken it underground.


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## InspiralImplode (Jun 13, 2017)

Lil said:


> It sounds a bit like what I have been going through for the last 18months.
> The best thing I did was to stop sleeping with him (sex) I feel for you it's hard. I hope your situation resolves itself soon it's been 18 months of hell for me.


Lil I've considered this as a "boundary" out of respect for myself. What did not sleeping with him accomplish? 

Also, I notice a lot of TAM people quote a lot of Marriage Builders. I can't recall what MB says in regards to this topic? 

Would love male advice as well... Thanks


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## InspiralImplode (Jun 13, 2017)

@aine I certainly consider the cheating thing frequently. And sometimes wonder how ridiculously naive am I. 



Brought up again that he told me he didn't love me weeks ago and left it at that since. He said "I can't tell you i don't love you because then you will leave." If I would get my head out of my a** maybe I could see this is not the mixed message I like to think it is.

He suggested this morning that "maybe we should sleep in separate bedrooms" for the 3rd or 4th time. This would be another baby step toward divorce. Told him I'm not leaving the master bedroom but that I won't stop him.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

The only mixed messages here are between what he is sending and what you are choosing to hear. 

He wants out of this marriage, but not enough to sacrifice money or convenience. 

Don't let the choice be his. Do some recon, get some evidence for what is clearly infidelity, see a lawyer, file for divorce.

If you know your head is in your *ss, there is no excuse for leaving it there.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Your husband already has one foot out the door. You need to get a job so you can have some economic leverage. A marriage of longer than 10 years is considered one of "longevity." As a rule, a judge will order spousal support for half the duration of the marriage. So if you two have been married 18 years, there is a possibility of support for up to nine years max. The idea is to give you the funds you need for training/education so you can support yourself.

Time to see an attorney. This marriage has already capsized, now it just has to sink. Take back your own power and quit listening to your husband whine.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

There's no mixed message in this. He really does *not * love you.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

When someone tells you they don't love you....believe them.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

InspiralImplode said:


> Hi All,
> 
> I have a few things I would like advice on... thanks in advance.
> 
> ...


I got the speech after I suspected infidelity she denied it and we were on again off again until we got divorced and the original guy came straight into the picture. I would say good chance he is cheating.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lil said:


> It sounds a bit like what I have been going through for the last 18months.
> The best thing I did was to stop sleeping with him (sex) I feel for you it's hard. I hope your situation resolves itself soon it's been 18 months of hell for me.


I think you should listen to the psychiatrist. We here only have your side of the story. Your physiatrist spoke to you and your husband. So he knows both of you. Psychiatrists do not easily tell one spouse to leave the other. 

Even we lay folks, having only your side of the story, can see that you need to end this marriage. Do you really want to stay married to a man only because he does not want to financial disruption of a divorce? Really?

Get a job and get a divorce. You will bet your portion of the marital assets and perhaps even some support. And then you are free to find a man who can actually love you.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

One thing that the OP said that really stuck out was that he can't afford a divorce and that the Op it's working. I'm in that situation myself right now. My guess is that he's waiting for a time that would be better for him financially like when the kids are old enough for him not to have to pay child support. That's exactly what I'm doing.


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## InspiralImplode (Jun 13, 2017)

jb02157 said:


> One thing that the OP said that really stuck out was that he can't afford a divorce and that the Op it's working. I'm in that situation myself right now. My guess is that he's waiting for a time that would be better for him financially like when the kids are old enough for him not to have to pay child support. That's exactly what I'm doing.


Uff. How do you keep your marriage well enough in the meantime? Is she aware? 

I guess this is what is happening. He can't keep the appearance up. He can as long as I have nothing to say about the marriage or dislike what he is doing. 

He is tired of me bringing up these issues. "needs less drama" Says that is why he doesn't love me. The problem isn't whats happening, it's that I won't be quiet and let it go. Here he throws in that he has always loved me. Its working for him. 18 years is a long time. I am obviously wrecked.


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## InspiralImplode (Jun 13, 2017)

How often does somebody have their spouse come read and join talk about marriage?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

InspiralImplode said:


> He needs blow jobs, I need I love you.
> He gets blow jobs, I get nothing. (because after I ask for it, it means nothing)


Ha, I'd be saying the same thing to him when he asks for a blowjob! Either that or saying "Sorry, don't know where it's been".


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

InspiralImplode said:


> He can't keep the appearance up. He can as long as I have nothing to say about the marriage or dislike what he is doing.
> 
> He is tired of me bringing up these issues. "needs less drama" Says that is why he doesn't love me. The problem isn't whats happening, it's that I won't be quiet and let it go. Here he throws in that he has always loved me. Its working for him. 18 years is a long time. I am obviously wrecked.


GET. A. JOB. SEE. AN. ATTORNEY.

He can keep up appearances until hell freezes over as long as you are a financial appendage. So quit complaining and become proactive. SERIOUSLY. You are wrecked because you are choosing to be said appendage. I assume you held a job during your life. Get training. Get out there. Do what is necessary to get out of marriage hell.

I started by working at a Chik-fil-A in a mall food court for $9/hour. I fought and scratched my way up to a decent job with darned good benefits. But I learned the hard way if I was going to stay, I had to suck it up and quit complaining. So stay if you want. Your life. Your choice. But venting and complaining will only get you so far. People will grow weary of hearing it.

And P.S. - Quit focusing on him and his issues. He owns that, you don't. Own what is yours to own. Get your side of the street clean. Other than that, the rest is up to you. We don't care about his problems; after all, he's not posting, YOU are.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

InspiralImplode said:


> Lil I've considered this as a "boundary" out of respect for myself. What did not sleeping with him accomplish?
> 
> Also, I notice a lot of TAM people quote a lot of Marriage Builders. I can't recall what MB says in regards to this topic?
> 
> Would love male advice as well... Thanks


It said to him and myself that what was happening was not acceptable. For me it was about self respect. Though I must say when this all started he told me that he wanted to sleep with other women. He said that if I didn't sleep with him then he would definetly sleep with other women, if I do sleep with him he might sleep with other women anyway. So what did I do? I slept with him daily, when ever he wanted me. It was all about what he wanted, I took all the blame and he was willing to hand it to me. He also said that I talked too much about what was going on that I just needed to leave it alone. I was causing issues.

After busting him the last time in a chatroom having cyber sex I stopped sleeping with him, and asked him to leave. I did it for me it has made me see things differently. I don't care what not leeping with him has done for his opinion of me.

What I'm seeing here with you is he is silencing you and blaming you. You want to make it better, so did I. I wasted another 18 months of my life with this man I hope you don't do the same. Though in hindsight I have really wasted 20 years as he has always had the ability to silence me and make me feel stupid, ugly, fat and inferior. I'm co-dependant, this is my issue to work on and I am. I will follow your story and I wish you all the best.

I just see a little of myself here, I hope you don't mind me chiming in, I usually feel like I don't have anyting usuful to say.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

InspiralImplode said:


> @aine I certainly consider the cheating thing frequently. And sometimes wonder how ridiculously naive am I.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


He either

1. is testing you to see whether you will 'fight' for him. That is, it's a **** test (yes some men pull these too)

2. He wants out of the marriage

I'd say believe him in what he says, no second guessing. Give him what he wants and go one further and get the divorce papers. There is no point in being with someone who does not want you and yet does not have the back bone to do the right thing. Show him that you deserve more than what he is giving you.

PS - He may well be cheating, getting his cake outside and eating it at home too. Investigate but do not say anything to him. If he wants to sleep in separate bed, tell him to 'feel free' Also stop doing his laundry, cooking etc. Let him know and tell him you are not his servant, you were his wife so if he does not want to be your husband, then that works both ways.

Do not kid yourself in thinking he does not want you to leave because he wants or needs you, he just needs a domestic worker to ensure all his **** is done. Stop doing it and then leave.


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## InspiralImplode (Jun 13, 2017)

For whatever is wrong with me, I am unable to accept or understand the end of this. I don't want a divorce. I know this, as it is, is not sustainable for me. I have been trying to get there for 7 months. Some days I'm closer to getting there but then I am easily swayed by his random affection. I know this affection is conditional upon his Moving on from 18 years with a 13 year old involved is so fecked.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I hope you will answer this question: Why don't you have a job? I can understand being a SAHM with little ones, but that isn't your case.


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## InspiralImplode (Jun 13, 2017)

Prodigal said:


> I hope you will answer this question: Why don't you have a job? I can understand being a SAHM with little ones, but that isn't your case.


I worked for many years at a school district. Now my son is in a private school 30 minutes away and needs to be picked up at 3:00 and I can't figure out the logistics of this. He is not ready to stay by himself at this time. I have considered Lyft etc... I am planning to find work or get updated with my skills at the end of the summer.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

he cheating! thats my guess.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Well, if you come back to post, I hope you will consider (1) a part-time job for now, or (2) getting transportation for your son to/from his school. 

Perhaps your son has made friends with other kids. Maybe their parents pick them up when school is out at 3. You might consider finding out if he could stay at a friend's house for several hours if you are working and can't pick him up at 3. Also, more employers are hiring part-time workers to save on the cost of benefits.

Before you see an attorney, start divorce proceedings, or attempt to drag your husband into marriage counseling, it would bode well for you to have some type of job.

Having any type of financial leverage will be a benefit. It might even nudge your husband towards respecting you.


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