# At a loss



## confusedandlost123 (Jan 2, 2015)

Hello everyone, 

I would love to hear some input from you all. 

I am 26 years old and have two kids (1 from a previous relationship). My husband and I were married in 2012. We have been having some major issues lately. I cannot rely on my husband and I am having a hard time distinguishing if I am overreacting or if this is really a problem. 

Here is a long backstory (It's pretty long, so bear with me)...

My husband and I met when I was 22 and he was 31. I was in a Masters program in clinical psychology. We fell in love very quickly and were engaged within 10 months. Here is where it gets tricky. I have a past history of anxiety. When we met I told him about this. I told him that I used to have panic attacks and saw therapists most of my childhood. What I didn't tell him however was that I was on antidepressants and had been for 10 years. The medication was doing nothing for me and I was simply taking it by habit. I did not tell him about the medication because I do realize the stigma and in my mind I already knew I was coming off the medication. I felt that the medication was doing nothing for me anymore and that through my education and by getting older, I had learned coping skills that would help me if I ever felt anxious. We were engaged in October, and that following January is when I began the process of weaning off the meds. Everything went well except I began having feelings of depression. My fiance seemed baffled at what was going on, so I let him in on what was happening. I told him that I was on medication for anxiety since I was 13 and that at this point the medication wasn't doing anything for me anymore, and I was coming off of it. I explained to him why I didn't tell him about the medication, and he was supportive of my decision. He understood and told me that it was a very personal thing and I did what I had to do. Everything was fine after a month or so. I began a doctorate program in clinical psychology and my anxiety never returned. 

We were married in September, and that's when tons of things happened at once. My husband was offered a job in a city 2 hours away so we began the process of moving. I was born and raised in the same place and have about 20 family members there. I am extremely close to my family so the thought of moving away was very hard. At that same time I also learned I was pregnant with our first child together (I have a previous son from another relationship). During my pregnancy we traveled a lot to our new city to try and find a house. The plan was for me to stay at my moms during my pregnancy. My husband would go on to his new job, and I would move there after the baby was born. My pregnancy was pretty nerve-wracking because my older son was born 9 weeks early and had to stay in the NICU for 30 days. Luckily, I stayed pregnant for longer and my youngest son was born 5 weeks early and only had to stay in the NICU for a few days. I immediately moved to the new city with my husband with my two kids. I had no family and no friends and it was pretty hard to adjust, but I did my best. I was still working on my doctorate online through this time. Months went on and I was finally adjusting. 

About 10 months after we moved to our new house, my mother in law came to live with us. Her job was ending in another state and we recommended that she come live with us until she can find a job and place near us. I was very happy because I needed help with the kids and the house while I worked on my schoolwork. A few weeks after she moved in I started getting terrible body aches. I attributed it to the flu and tried to ignore it. After a month of it not going away, I went to the doctor where they told me my white blood cell count was extremely low and they wanted to retest it in a week. A week later it dipped even lower. After months of tests, doctors, and waiting, they finally referred me to a hematologist to figure out what was going on. After hearing words like leukemia and lymphoma from doctors, I was relieved to find out that everything was fine and it was just a virus that my body was having a hard time fighting off. A few days after I got my good news, I received terrible news about my grandma whom I am very close with. She was diagnosed with cancer and had to immediately begin treatment. I had just began my dissertation during this time and in order for me to be involved in the graduation ceremony, I would have to be a certain amount done with it. My youngest son was born when I was 20 and she was one of the only ones who continued to believe in me after I became pregnant, so it was extremely important for me to be in the graduation ceremony so she could see me. I spent a few weeks dedicating 10 hours a day on my dissertation so I could reach a certain point so I could be in the ceremony. Luckily, I did it and she was able to see my walk across the stage. 

Things were getting difficult living with my mother in law. Yes she was helpful sometimes, but I couldn't be myself in my own home. I work a few hours a week as a clinician at a private practice. During this time at work, I had a situation that became very unsafe for me. I won't go into details, but that combined with everything else the past 2 years had finally pushed me over the edge. In August of 2014, I had my first panic attack in over 15 years. My anxiety returned and I could barely leave my house. Depression followed because of the shame I felt for having anxiety return. I am currently still battling with it, but have improved dramatically. I have taken up meditation, yoga, and I go to therapy. 

Now here is where my husband comes in. My husband is a very mentally strong man. He deals with things on his own and hates to see people weak. When I had my "breakdown" in August, he basically told me to suck it up and deal with it. He would look at me like he pitied me. I felt no warmth, understanding, or acceptance from him. I explained to him repeatedly that it wasn't my fault and that this occurred because of the accumulation of stressors from the past 2 years (moving to a new city, marriage, pregnancy, dissertation, cancer scare, grandma diagnosed with cancer, MIL moving in with us, dangerous situation at work). He said that I shouldn't blame anything, and I need to look at myself. I somewhat agree, but I feel as though he is giving me no "permission" and no understanding. He has told me that "He will stay with me forever if I have this, but he won't love me", and "If I would have known you were taking medicine, we would not be here". I currently feel as though I have to hide my struggle, which is wrong! I should be able to lean on him and feel safe. But its just not like that unfortunately. One thing I tell my clients is that in order for them to heal, they must have a healing environment. I don't have that. I have to hide when I'm having a bad anxiety day. There are so many other things that he has done that just proves to me that I cannot rely on him when things get tough that I am now trying to figure out what to do. Here is an example: After I had my son, I woke up my husband in the middle of the night asking if he could wheel me to the NICU so I could feed our son. He told me no, ask the nurse. I told him that I wanted him to take me because I was in severe pain and the nurse couldn't go in with me and walk me to his incubator. He said no. So I went myself. That next morning I calmly confronted him about it and he said that I was selfish for waking him up and goes on to tell me that no wonder why I have no friends, I am too judgmental. Two weeks after this incident when we were back at our new house in the new city, he tells me he is going on a 6 day river trip with his buddies. I begged him not to go as we were in a new city, new house, I knew nobody, I was still healing, and I was adjusting to having 2 kids. He still went. These are just a few examples of how he is. We do have good times, but in the back of my mind I know he just wants me when I'm at my best, and that's not realistic. I want someone to love me and support me through the bad times as well as the good times. 

If you have read up until this point, thank you. Please let me know what you all think.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

First of all, I'm very sorry you're here.

You should have told him about the medication before you were married. But you chose to hide it from him (not good) and now I'm afraid you're paying the price for not being honest in the beginning. He deserved to know the state of your mental health and wellness BEFORE walking down the aisle.

I agree that he does seem insensitive -- the NICU incident, however, he is probably angry that you were not truthful, he views you as weak because he, himself, would never take medication, and you two are not on the same page.

I also think it was bit soon after the new baby's arrival for him to go away on a river trip. But honestly, when I was married my ex went on a guys' golf trip less than 2 weeks after the birth of our second child. It really wasn't a big deal. Especially with your MIL around; didn't she help you?

I wish I had better advice, but I think much of this is rooted in your hiding the truth from your husband. For years.


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## confusedandlost123 (Jan 2, 2015)

Thank you for your response. Yes, I do agree that I should have told him. We were newly engaged when I got around to telling him, so I feel that yes it was completely wrong to keep it for so long, but he still could have walked away. 

At the time of the river trip my mother in law was not living with us. 

Not sure what to do at this point. He agreed to marital therapy, so I will take that route for now and see if that gets us anywhere. 



happy as a clam said:


> First of all, I'm very sorry you're here.
> 
> You should have told him about the medication before you were married. But you chose to hide it from him (not good) and now I'm afraid you're paying the price for not being honest in the beginning. He deserved to know the state of your mental health and wellness BEFORE walking down the aisle.
> 
> ...


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I agree that you should have told your husband about your medication before you married him - you robbed him the opportunity of making an informed choice by not telling him. But what's done is done.

I also agree that he sounds very selfish - the NICU incident was bad enough but going away for a week leaving you with a toddler and newborn on your own?? Wtf??? Unacceptable.

I think marriage counselling is a good start.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

confusedandlost123 said:


> *We were newly engaged when I got around to telling him,* so I feel that yes it was completely wrong to keep it for so long, but he still could have walked away.
> 
> At the time of the river trip my mother in law was not living with us.
> 
> Not sure what to do at this point. He agreed to marital therapy, so I will take that route for now and see if that gets us anywhere.


Oh, I'm sorry! I misread your post -- you DID tell him before you were married.

So then he really can't be angry or blame you if he decided to forgive the omission and marry you 

I think marriage counseling would be very helpful for both of you. I know you went to therapists as a child, but perhaps some individual counseling for you would be helpful as well. Your husband sounds selfish, somewhat controlling, and would benefit from learning to be more empathetic.

I wish you the very best.

You'll get some good advice here as others come along...


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Ah, it seems I misread your post too, apologies.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

That last bit about him refusing to go with you to feed your baby and what he said to you about your being selfish. Why was he with you in the hospital if she was not going to be there to support you?

Then his leaving you for several days, you with a new baby, in a new city...

You married a selfish, judgmental man. Between your new baby, your move, your education and your grandmother you have been through a lot of stress. I think most people would have had a hard time dealing with all of this.

His statement that he would not be with you if he had known you were on meds makes no sense. You told him about them before he married you.

His statement that he will stay with you but not love you tells you all you need to know. 

Were I you, I would return to your home town with your baby. There is no love and support from him.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

confusedandlost123 said:


> Hello everyone,
> 
> I would love to hear some input from you all.
> 
> ...


I cannot believe he went on a fishing trip with his buddies two weeks after his son was born and he is calling you selfish! Ok, rant over. 

You know this is not right. I am not sure why you were uncomfortable telling him the full details of your mental illness. Actually IMO that is kind of a test to make sure someone is worthy. If they respect and are supportive of your mental illness then they are worth keeping. Anyone who says suck it up to a mentally ill person does not understand mental illness. It sounds like he is not interested in learning either. You know mental illness is not your fault. You are responsible for your treatment but you know that can be day by day. And you're right you had so many stressers all at once, plus a new baby. And it sounds like very little support from your partner. All of that is a trigger for the illness. I don't what you do at this point. Maybe you could do some therapy together. It doesn't sound like he has a lot of empathy or is very aware of his actions. I'm so sorry about all of this and about your grandmother and that your son was in the NICU. Are things starting to calm down now? Are you feeling better anxiety wise?


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## confusedandlost123 (Jan 2, 2015)

Thank you all for your responses. I really appreciate the time you are all taking to read and respond to my post. This is a great place to get unbiased advice and input. 

Pooh Bear- Yes, I am feeling about 50% better anxiety wise. After my breakdown back in August I came back home to my moms for two weeks. Just being around my family made me feel better. But it seemed that when I returned back to my home, things went back down a bit. I believe it's the unhealthy environment of my husband (having to hide my feelings) and my mother in law that is causing dips whenever I return home. My oldest son is in school so unfortunately I cannot take him out for long periods of time during the school year. When summer rolls around I will be coming back to my moms for awhile. 

I would love nothing more than to make it work with my husband, but we are two different people. I believe that a marriage should be the closest type of relationship where two people lean on each other in times of need. They should be one anothers safe haven. My husband doesn't think this. He believes that a marriage is two independent people that enjoy similar activities and they deal with their problems on their own. I know its a complete difference in how we were raised, but I just don't know how I missed this before we got married.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

confusedandlost123 said:


> Thank you all for your responses. I really appreciate the time you are all taking to read and respond to my post. This is a great place to get unbiased advice and input.
> 
> Pooh Bear- Yes, I am feeling about 50% better anxiety wise. After my breakdown back in August I came back home to my moms for two weeks. Just being around my family made me feel better. But it seemed that when I returned back to my home, things went back down a bit. I believe it's the unhealthy environment of my husband (having to hide my feelings) and my mother in law that is causing dips whenever I return home. My oldest son is in school so unfortunately I cannot take him out for long periods of time during the school year. When summer rolls around I will be coming back to my moms for awhile.
> 
> I would love nothing more than to make it work with my husband, but we are two different people. I believe that a marriage should be the closest type of relationship where two people lean on each other in times of need. They should be one anothers safe haven. My husband doesn't think this. He believes that a marriage is two independent people that enjoy similar activities and they deal with their problems on their own. I know its a complete difference in how we were raised, but I just don't know how I missed this before we got married.


I'm sorry.  Do you think you will try to work it out? It sounds like you feel safer with your family.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

confusedandlost123 said:


> If you have read up until this point, thank you. Please let me know what you all think.


You married a prideful, self-centered jerk.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

happy as a clam said:


> I wish I had better advice, but I think much of this is rooted in your hiding the truth from your husband. For years.


meh, she told him before they got married. He had the chance to leave. He didn't. He just wanted a replacement 'female' in his life to make HIS life better. He didn't expect to have to make HER life better.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

You feel emotionally unsafe around your husband.

Many times when we are dating the emotional safety is the highest, but in some relationships the full monty of how someone is going to be behind closed doors after marriage isn't that apparent, so don't beat yourself up over not seeing it before you married. 

He sounds pretty detached. I believe if you look to him to fulfill your needs right now it will make you miserable. My advice right now is just take some time to heal, soul search, lean on your family, seek good counsel and take your time, and start living your life as if you are single since that is the equivalent of emotional support he is giving you right now. If he notices and moves towards you and starts engaging, great, if not and he remains neglectful I would approach him about divorce.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

I am reading between the lines a bit here, but I think there are problems on both sides.

Your husband sounds pretty insensitive and unsupportive. He should understand how his failing to be there for you at meaningful moments has caused you lasting pain. There's really no excuse for the things he did that you mentioned.

On the other hand, you sound pretty unstable. You selectively witheld a major piece of information about yourself until after your husband proposed to you.

I know you say he still had an opportunity to get out at that point, which is technically true, but obviously there is a lot of social pressure that accrues after a marriage proposal and he would have certainly looked like a bad guy to withdraw the proposal at that point. 

This selective truthfulness makes me think that you are probably leaving out some of your shortcomings in your description.

Living with a mentally ill person is not easy. The existance of your condition is not your fault, but it is your job to manage it. Are you really managing it? It sounds like you are not. You have obviously experienced a lot of stressors recently, so your prior approach when things were going OK for you generally might no longer be adequate. 

Maybe part of what you are describing as your husband's lack of support is really his frustration that you won't properly manage your condition. Has he asked you to consider going back on meds?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Oh, and the guilting you about not telling him about the meds even though he committed to you anyway is a control tactic to keep you in line. 

A good book to help you recognize emotional blackmail type of tactics is Emotional Blackmail. I highly recommend it.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Anon1111 said:


> Maybe part of what you are describing as your husband's lack of support is really his frustration that you won't properly manage your condition. Has he asked you to consider going back on meds?


And I agree... make sure you are self assessing accurately.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

He seems to lack empathy. He probably had no idea that he would have to be a participant in the relationship too. I can understand you not wanting to discuss your issues. No one wants others to know their flaws, and we do not like to acknowledge it our self. But you did let him know before the marriage. Although, I think it would be different prior before the attachment was strong. Nonetheless, he agreed to marry you and knew, or should have known what will come along with it. The fact that he does not understand the problem with the disorder, shows he is not interested in knowing your problems, and how best he can support you. I do not think he is actually actively listening to what you say. Hence the lack of empathy statement I made and the lack of acknowledgement of your emotions and needs.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Your priority needs to be your mental health for your children. Your husband is selfish, self-centered & you & your children are not his priority. If you can't be your entire self around him, then I am sorry but he is not the right partner for you.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The way this reads regarding the medicine you were taking, he has changed his mind about marrying you. He is telling and showing you who he is. 

Divorce is tricky in this situation since you would probably want to move back home with your kids.

The sneaky thing to do would be to take them home with you in the summer and get an attorney. With your husbands attitude though, he may not care where his kids are seeing as how they cannot act independently for some time.

It took you awhile to tell him about the meds but he married you with eyes wide open. 

Is he an only child? He sounds totally self absorbed. Besides that, what grown man lives with his mommy?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Engagements are for commiting and getting to know the other person better. Its a trial period and he went through it and married you. You can rest easy about waiting to tell him. He accepted it and married you.

The problem is you are taking care of kids now and you are not behaving like his momma. He's a momma's boy and that will never change. You said there were problems with your MIL, I'll bet that's an understatement.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

confusedandlost123,
What the hell is wrong with people. Medicine is good. If it helps you, TAKE it. I have taken antidepressants for years and it helps. The worst part about antidepressants is stopping them. THAT is hell!! Do what you need to do and take care of yourself. Tell him what you are doing and why you are doing it and forget about his negativity. When he gets older his "strong" mind might not be as strong as he thinks and he'll probably end up taking an Ativan here and there just to cope. 

The problem as I see it is that men want everything. They want a porn star wife AND they want you to be their mother too. You can never get sick, you can never complain and you must also raise the kids as we go out with our buds to have fun and get drunk. Sound familiar?

He needs to grow up and realize that if he continues down this path he will ruin his marriage.

I woke up one day after 20 years of marriage. I was miserable and the sex was horrible. I decided I needed to fix myself and become the best man/person/husband I could be. Everything became better.

BTW: Get the mother in law out of your house NOW.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

Anon1111 said:


> I am reading between the lines a bit here, but I think there are problems on both sides.
> 
> Your husband sounds pretty insensitive and unsupportive. He should understand how his failing to be there for you at meaningful moments has caused you lasting pain. There's really no excuse for the things he did that you mentioned.
> 
> ...


This is completely disrespectful. Does anyone who have a mental illness "unstable" to you? There are good days and there are bad days and that is what it is. It doesn't matter what medication you take, what therapy you do, there are good days and bad days. You can have long periods of good days. But you can also have setbacks. That doesn't make someone "unstable." Anyone who is in a relationship with someone with mental illness also has to understand that it is not a choice and that a person can not just "get over it." I don't read that she is refusing treatment into this. I can't speak for her but it sounds to me like she had a lot of stressers that triggered her illness and she got absolutely no support from her husband (which can make the illness worse) and is trying to understand how to heal herself. She said herself she has a history of getting treatment. Why would she all of the sudden refuse treatment? I don't really understand not getting treatment because illness is so painful. It doesn't sound like that is the case here.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

As I said in my post, the condition is not the OP's fault. I simply asked whether her treatment regiment remains sufficient given that her life has grown much more stressful lately.

I also said that her husband sounds insensitive and unsupportive.

It is fine to say there are good days and bad days with mental illness. Anyone who is close to someone like this knows this. People lose patience for it though when they think you just expect them to deal with it and you are not doing everything in your power to control it (through therapy, meds, etc).


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The only red flag I see is that she's got a masters in Psychology, yet she says there's a stigma about her taking ADs. In the 2010s, there's still a stigma? Coming from a psychologist?


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

Anon1111 said:


> As I said in my post, the condition is not the OP's fault. I simply asked whether her treatment regiment remains sufficient given that her life has grown much more stressful lately.
> 
> I also said that her husband sounds insensitive and unsupportive.
> 
> It is fine to say there are good days and bad days with mental illness. Anyone who is close to someone like this knows this. People lose patience for it though when they think you just expect them to deal with it and you are not doing everything in your power to control it (through therapy, meds, etc).


Neither of us know her so we cannot say one way or the other whether she is doing everything she can to make herself better. However, one cannot make the assumption that a person is not doing his or her best to get treatment. And just because you get treatment does mean that the illness will go away completely. Many mental illnesses are chronic. I think trying to understand where someone is coming from concerning their treatment is really important. It's is a very individual decision and what works for one person will not work for another.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

turnera said:


> The only red flag I see is that she's got a masters in Psychology, yet she says there's a stigma about her taking ADs. In the 2010s, there's still a stigma? Coming from a psychologist?


Yes. There's a societal stigma about menal illness and about taking psychotropic medication. She didn't say she had the stigma. She was afraid her partner would.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Pooh Bear said:


> Yes. There's a societal stigma about menal illness and about taking psychotropic medication. She didn't say she had the stigma. She was afraid her partner would.


Fear of abandonment


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

You sound very sweet and kind hearted. Congratulations on keeping with your school work and pursuing your future.

It's my thinking that your husband was told to "suck it up" like he said to you. Boys are taught to disconnect from their emotional side at a young age and so I think they find our emotions hard to deal with. I think men think we too need to bury our emotions. Basically he is not being available to you at a time when you need his support and that can cause a great deal of hurt feelings on your part. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all in wanting your husband's support but the question is if he can actually give that to you. Many men cannot.

I just finished reading a book you might find interesting, "Secrets of Happily Married Men." The author indicates that when men are dating they almost pursue the relationship like they would seeking a new job but many times when the ring is slipped on then they feel that is the final destination and they stop being receptive to catering to the relationship. Having been married twice I totally agree with the author.

That doesn't mean it's over but will take work to get him involved and understand your emotions, if ever.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

There is another book as well. The Emotionally Unavailable Man that you may find helpful.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Fear of abandonment


Maybe. I don't know. People have a fear of being stigmatized. You have to kind of navigate who you can tell and who you can't. Should you tell your boss? Your professor? Is it ok to tell family members? Church members? What friends can I trust this information with? Will someone be critical or disrespectful if I tell them about this? Unfortunately navigating who you can tell and who you can't is just part of the deal. Sometimes it means you make bad judgement calls.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Pooh Bear said:


> Maybe. I don't know. People have a fear of being stigmatized. You have to kind of navigate who you can tell and who you can't. Should you tell your boss? Your professor? Is it ok to tell family members? Church members? What friends can I trust this information with? Will someone be critical or disrespectful if I tell them about this? Unfortunately navigating who you can tell and who you can't is just part of the deal. Sometimes it means you make bad judgement calls.


From her posts her fearing of telling him in the past feels like fear of abandonment to me, though I hear these other possibilities and yes they are possible.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Pooh Bear said:


> Maybe. I don't know. People have a fear of being stigmatized. You have to kind of navigate who you can tell and who you can't. Should you tell your boss? Your professor? Is it ok to tell family members? Church members? What friends can I trust this information with? Will someone be critical or disrespectful if I tell them about this? Unfortunately navigating who you can tell and who you can't is just part of the deal. Sometimes it means you make bad judgement calls.


I guess I said what I did because my DD24 is in grad school for psychology. She's been on meds, she has anxiety, and she just openly discusses it. Maybe OP's parents made her feel ashamed or something. I always taught DD24 to be proud of who she is, flaws and all, and that if someone uses something against her, well, that's THEIR character that's being sent down a rung or two, isn't it?


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

turnera said:


> I guess I said what I did because my DD24 is in grad school for psychology. She's been on meds, she has anxiety, and she just openly discusses it. Maybe OP's parents made her feel ashamed or something. I always taught DD24 to be proud of who she is, flaws and all, and that if someone uses something against her, well, that's THEIR character that's being sent down a rung or two, isn't it?


I agree.


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