# Knives, Guns, and motorcycles



## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

I really need honest advice. Here's some background on my husband and I. We are both in our early thirties and have been married for almost eight years. We have four kids ages 7, 4.5, 3 and 15 months. Money is tight, but we are making it. My husband has a good job, and we pretty much live off of salary. I work very part time. I also homeschool my seven-year-old. 

To try to make a very long story short, we have been drifting apart. We are both SO busy, plus we have different interests. My DH has been driving me crazy with his never-ending obsessions on expensive trucks, motorcycles, and guns. I want to make him happy on this. I really do. But we do not have a lot of extra money. To be honest, I hate guns and motorcycles. But, I did go go in with my brother-in-law and get him an expensive gun for Christmas (I initiated it). But I feel like it is never enough. Now he wants a motorcycle and that is something I do NOT feel comfortable with. He grew up with them, but I do not want our children growing up around motorcycles. His dad has a free motorcycle that he wants to give him, and I said I really don't feel comfortable with it. I've said that I'm on board to get his expensive truck once we can pay off the other vehicle we are still making payments on. But I think he resents this. 

I also feel like my in-laws keep interfering in our marriage. They wanted to buy a gun for my then six-year-old for Christmas. I put my foot down on this as well. But my DH feels that he was raised around guns and that I am ultimately not trusting him with this issue. I am just tired of these arguments. I am trying to compromise, but I don't feel like I should have to introduce our children to things that I am not comfortable with. 

Then there is the intimacy issue. And I feel that this is mostly my fault. The problem is that I don't really have a sex drive, and my DH of course does. I know that it is not fair to him, so I try to make sure that we have sex at least once a week. But I am exhausted so much of the time and just going through the motions. Sometimes I really just resent it because I never climax and of course he always does. It's not that he doesn't try to please me, it just hasn't EVER happened for me. For so long sex was tied to having kids. Well we are done with that now and DH had a vasectomy after our fourth child. I know this is SO pathetic, but I really just don't see the purpose of sex for me anymore. But I know it is not fair to him, and I need to have sex with him to make him happy. I don't want to be selfish in that area though, and I know that sex is vital to a healthy marriage. 

At any rate, I appreciate any honest advice. I know that what we have is worthy fighting for, and I don't want to keep drifting apart.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

OK, not a comprehensive response, just a couple of thoughts...

He's your husband, not your child. If he wants a motorcycle and someone wants to give him a free one, then you don't really get a vote. It's too controlling.

Now, a gun for a six year old? I'm assuming it's just a BB gun? Anyway, yes, that is something that is up for discussion and hopefully a compromise (so says the woman whose brother shot her when she was four...fortunately, it was just a BB gun, but I do think 6 is a bit young to learn responsible gun handling.)

Finally, the sex thing is a much bigger deal than you seem to realize, and is probably behind many of your other problems. Read on here some more and learn how devastating it is for a man to be continually rejected sexually -- it can corrode your entire marriage if you don't get a handle on this. You are quite young to have no sex drive, have you spoken with your gynecologist?


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

Thanks for your reply. No, it wasn't a BB gun. His parents live in the country and shoot of their back porch. Guns are a part of life for them. But not for me though. I pretty much had the opposite upbringing as far as guns go.

I can see your point about treating my DH like a child. I certainly do not want to be controlling. But should you agree to something just because it is free? The thing is, I know I can't control HIS motorcycle riding, but I feel like I should be able to control what our children are exposed to. If he gets a motorcycle, they will want to ride on it with him. That is a fact, and just a matter of time before they are on it as well. Is it still controlling under these circumstances?

I am aware of how my lack of sex drive is impacting our marriage. I know that sex is extremely important to him. I guess I just need to keep faking it so that we can keep our family together. Maybe a visit to my gynecologist would help. I wish they had viagra for women.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

why did you marry someone who you clearly are not comptable with.


your ideas and values are very far apart.

sounds like you married him thinking you could change him or mold him to what you want/need.
that typicaly dosn't work as your finding out.

and because of all the strife you don't have a sex drive because you guys just are too far apart on many basic issues.


I am a gun guy and I bought my 5 yr old each a 22 rifle . I feel that with proper gun handeling and safety taught at a young age is much better than ignorant gun owners . both my boy are far safer than most guys I see at the range. because I drilled it into their heads at a young age. as a matter of fact at the hunter safety class he did so well that the instructor had him show the rest gun safety.

just like playing a piano . if you want to be great you got to start early. 

I think because of all the resentment you guys have because you don't share the same opinion/values on many basic issues that your desire for him has wained.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

what about explosions?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Mom, the exposure your children have to motorcycles is something that you two need to discuss and compromise on...you don't just get to unilaterally decide. Same with the guns, really.

But these are all just symptoms -- you're right, you guys are pretty far apart right now. What do you really want, in your heart of hearts? Even if you leave him, you're still going to share children, and if you think compromising on things like guns and bikes is hard now, try it when you are divorced.

I think you could benefit from some IC.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Almostrecovered said:


> what about explosions?


:scratchhead:

what about them?

nothing to do with the subject at hand.


me thinks your just stiring the pot so to speak. say what you mean.


are you refering to gun somehow exploding spontaniously?
which never happens!


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I can't speak for AR, but I thought it was pretty clearly a joke. Do we have to be deadly serious all the time?


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

chillymorn--you are right about the compatibility issues. I'll admit it, I was VERY naive. I married him because I loved him and we both share the same moral values. Honestly these other issues did not even come up. I met his family, and thought that they were strange, but again, I did not think about the implications once we had a family. And HE did not seem to care much about guns, motorcycles, and trucks back then. Before kids, it was about us. We had awesome discussions and we did do things together.

And lamaga, you really hit the nail on the head. What I want is to stay together. I'll admit, sometimes I feel like I would be better off on my own. But I still love my DH. He is a good man, a hard worker, and a good father. And maybe I've been taking those qualities for granted. And you are right that I shouldn't be making a unilateral decision. I guess I need to talk with him about this issue. I do wish my in-laws would get out of our lives though! He is always feeling like he needs to please them. I want to tell them to butt out.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

lamaga said:


> I can't speak for AR, but I thought it was pretty clearly a joke. Do we have to be deadly serious all the time?


My bad just a sensitive subject with me.

sick of people who want to take my rights away from me and leave me with no good way to protect my family and myself.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Yeah, mom, that's a good topic to address in MC -- in-laws are such a frequent source of tension! And you're right, your decisions re your children and your lifestyle need to be yours and his.

Well, you are way ahead of the game in that you know what you want, and you know what some of the obstacles are. That's half the battle right there! Good luck!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> My bad just a sensitive subject with me.
> 
> sick of people who want to take my rights away from me and leave me with no good way to protect my family and myself.



huge difference between having the legal right to a gun (which I believe in) and not wanting such items in the house

I have no interest in ever wanting a gun in my house, but I will fight for the right of others if they choose to have them

the real issue is that there is a disagreement between spouses on what is or is not acceptable to each spouse in regards to what is in the home


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

"so says the woman whose brother shot her when she was four...fortunately, it was just a BB gun" - lamaga

My brother shott me too with his crossman BB gun when i was about 11, right in the butt!

OP, have you spoken to your MD about your libido issues? Are you on any meds? Do you find your husband attractive and sexy or are these issues making you not like him?

lamaga is right about the sex issue. It is hugely important to most guys

I am 50 and my wife is 47 and we average a little under 1x a week (not by my choice) but you guys are close to 20 years younger!

You need to address this issue too!


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

momtwo4 said:


> chillymorn--you are right about the compatibility issues. I'll admit it, I was VERY naive. I married him because I loved him and we both share the same moral values. Honestly these other issues did not even come up. I met his family, and thought that they were strange, but again, I did not think about the implications once we had a family. And HE did not seem to care much about guns, motorcycles, and trucks back then. Before kids, it was about us. We had awesome discussions and we did do things together.
> 
> And lamaga, you really hit the nail on the head. What I want is to stay together. I'll admit, sometimes I feel like I would be better off on my own. But I still love my DH. He is a good man, a hard worker, and a good father. And maybe I've been taking those qualities for granted. And you are right that I shouldn't be making a unilateral decision. I guess I need to talk with him about this issue. I do wish my in-laws would get out of our lives though! He is always feeling like he needs to please them. I want to tell them to butt out.


sometime moms need to trust their husbands opinion on things that can seem scary to them.

just like dads trust moms opinion on how to do mom things .


I don't like motorcycles either so mybe a compromise would work we can have some guns but motorclcles are out. Just a thought.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

momtwo4 said:


> I am trying to compromise, but I don't feel like I should have to introduce our children to things that I am not comfortable with.


I agree with you here. I would probably not interfere with his hobbies as long as he is willing to compromise and not bring the kids into them if you are not comfortable. So, let him take the free bike if he can agree not to let the kids ride on it if you aren't comfortable with that.


momtwo4 said:


> Sometimes I really just resent it because I never climax and of course he always does. It's not that he doesn't try to please me, it just hasn't EVER happened for me.


I think working on having orgasms might have a direct impact on your desire for sex. Have you ever tried on your own? With a toy?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Toffer said:


> "so says the woman whose brother shot her when she was four...fortunately, it was just a BB gun" - lamaga
> 
> My brother shott me too with his crossman BB gun when i was about 11, right in the butt!
> 
> ...


well then your parents did a horrible job at teaching gun safety and it is unfair to use that as an example. all my comments about gun ownership was made thinking responsible knowledge adults were going to teach proper gun handeling and enforce it until its clear as crystal if thats not possible then I agree that guns should not even be in the house!!!!!!


its a huge responsibilty to own and use a deadly weapon and if you or family members don't make the grade for whatever reason then they are best advoided!

all proper gun safety should be used at all times period NO exceptions.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

have you ever given yourself an orgasm? if not laern how so you can teach him.

don't be embarrassed about it just tell him I need more of this and less of that. but if you don't know how yourself how the heck should he know.


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

@Swedishfish--I'm going to talk to him again about the motorcycle. I think that is a compromise that I can work with. I think I was dictating to him my wishes too much before. I would rather him NOT ride a motorcycle, but if he really wants to fine. He just needs to agree that he will not pressure me to take the kids on it. I'm still nervous about it. But it's not all about me, is it?

I haven't tried on my own. I've thought of it before, but I've never really been comfortable with the idea honestly. I agree that if I got something out of sex, it might seem more appealing. Right now sex with my husband just seems like another person I have to take care of. And that is sad.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, there you go, mom. If you aren't getting anything out of it, then it IS just one more person to take care of.

Really, whether you are married or not, sexuality is a huge part of our lives, and our emotional health. I'd say you owe it to yourself -- not to him, not to the marriage, but to yourself -- to explore your own sexuality a little. There is nothing wrong or shameful about masturbation, but it will take you a little time to relax with it. And that's ok. If you want any other resources, feel free to PM me.


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

@chillymorn--I certainly don't blame him that I've never had an orgasm. I once had a little chat with my mom (of all people!) about this, and she confided that she had not either. So I've often wondered if there is just something physically "wrong" with me.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

momtwo4 said:


> @Swedishfish--I'm going to talk to him again about the motorcycle. I think that is a compromise that I can work with. I think I was dictating to him my wishes too much before. I would rather him NOT ride a motorcycle, but if he really wants to fine. He just needs to agree that he will not pressure me to take the kids on it. I'm still nervous about it. But it's not all about me, is it?
> 
> I haven't tried on my own. I've thought of it before, but I've never really been comfortable with the idea honestly. I agree that if I got something out of sex, it might seem more appealing. Right now sex with my husband just seems like another person I have to take care of. And that is sad.


just dive in you will be plesently surprised. 

after you master it tell your husband that you were faking it all thease years and thats why you have been advoiding sex because you weren't getting anything out of it. then you read about learning how on your own so you could show him and you would like to try being more sexuall with him.

that is by far the best present you could give your husband. true intamacy.

Oh then tell him to show you what he likes.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Mom -- I doubt it, although it wouldn't hurt to talk to your gyno.

Lack of orgasms is generally a psychological issue. It's not strange to think that whatever guilt/shame/conflicts affected your mother might affect you, too.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

momtwo4 said:


> @chillymorn--I certainly don't blame him that I've never had an orgasm. I once had a little chat with my mom (of all people!) about this, and she confided that she had not either. So I've often wondered if there is just something physically "wrong" with me.


no I am sure there is nothing wrong except your inhibitions.

women take longer than men and are a bit more complicated to figure out how .

google it masterbation is healthy. hell If i never orgasmed I wouldn't want sex much either.

get your grove on and I'm sure alot of your problem will be easier to deal with and compromise will go along way!


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

momtwo4 said:


> I really need honest advice. Here's some background on my husband and I. We are both in our early thirties and have been married for almost eight years. We have four kids ages 7, 4.5, 3 and 15 months. Money is tight, but we are making it. My husband has a good job, and we pretty much live off of salary. I work very part time. I also homeschool my seven-year-old.
> 
> To try to make a very long story short, we have been drifting apart. We are both SO busy, plus we have different interests. My DH has been driving me crazy with his never-ending obsessions on expensive trucks, motorcycles, and guns. I want to make him happy on this. I really do. But we do not have a lot of extra money. To be honest, I hate guns and motorcycles. But, I did go go in with my brother-in-law and get him an expensive gun for Christmas (I initiated it). But I feel like it is never enough. Now he wants a motorcycle and that is something I do NOT feel comfortable with. He grew up with them, but I do not want our children growing up around motorcycles. His dad has a free motorcycle that he wants to give him, and I said I really don't feel comfortable with it. I've said that I'm on board to get his expensive truck once we can pay off the other vehicle we are still making payments on. But I think he resents this.
> 
> ...


 Mom how about a happy medium when yall can afford it let him get a m/c on the stipualtion that he attend a rider safety course and he cannot ride it until all of his chores or honey do's are done. I grew up on motorcycles as well as my father owned a mc shop my wife was interested in riding so i taught her to ride in the dirt first and then she picked out a bike she wanted and both of us attended the mc safety course together it was a blast and she rides with me alot when we have a baby sitter


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

Thanks for all the advice. I guess this 32-year-old mother of four needs to go and google "sex toys." LOL. My DH is an attractive man. There is no doubt about that. And he is definitely attracted to me even after four babies. I'm glad I finally posted about this. I needed some resolve to do something about this!


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

momtwo4 said:


> Thanks for all the advice. I guess this 32-year-old mother of four needs to go and google "sex toys." LOL. My DH is an attractive man. There is no doubt about that. And he is definitely attracted to me even after four babies. I'm glad I finally posted about this. I needed some resolve to do something about this!


Oh boy hes going to be one happy camper.

good luck 

I would just like to comment on how cool you are looking for info on how to make things better in you marriage.:smthumbup:


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> :scratchhead:
> 
> what about them?
> 
> ...



It was a joke. Knives, guns, motorcycles and explosions are all things that guys tend to like.


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## oakhillady (May 23, 2012)

mom, 

I had that problem too. I'm 25, never had one until my current boyfriend, and he had to get me drunk (and a little high) first. Maybe a good night out and a toy, and your sexy husband all rolled into one will help you in that department. Sex is healthy, for women just as much as for men. Make it about him taking care of you...give him some direction, use some lube, use a toy, play a game, dress up in some nasty lingerie, and have someone (maybe not your in-laws) take the kids for a couple nights so you and the hubby can get re-acquainted. Good luck, and have FUN!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I got a .22 for my 7th birthday. Still have it 34 years later. It's very special to me.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I'm going to disagree with a lot of the advice here. I believe most people are young and quite selfish when they are first married, however then we have children and we can no longer afford to be. OP you can't just go and spend lots of money on things you don't need, you have to think of the family first, he needs to act like a man and put his family first too, that often means not getting shiny toys.
Moreover if something is of great concern to one person in the marriage the other spouse should understand this. What is more important? No wiife or husband should be able to behave like teenager with poor impulse control. 
If you are wealthy and both comfortable with motor bikes then fine. However this also means that he gets input in what you do.

As per your sex life, if I was you I would go and see your Dr and do some reading about your sex drive, if you get your drive up then you could have some fun investigating how you could best reach orgasm. 

Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

I had a 410 ga when I was 6 and went hunting on my own. All my children were raised with loaded weapons in the house and they knew how to use them.

Its all in teaching them the dangers of a weapon and how to handle them safely. It removes the curiosity factor. That is not to say what was right for me and mine is right for you.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I don't own a handgun never saw a need to. I do have an assault rifle, noted here elsewhere. But while I like it I don't use it don't hunt and don't see any future of ever using it. Probably get rid of it locally. I can't see keeping guns around if you don't need to have them around.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

OK, can we please not turn this into a site for debating the NRA's talking points?

You can open a new thread on Social Space for that.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I suppose the point is why collect all this 'stuff' on the other hand, what did OP think she was getting into marrying into a clan of ********?


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

lamaga said:


> OK, can we please not turn this into a site for debating the NRA's talking points?
> 
> You can open a new thread on Social Space for that.


Not a big proponent of the NRA. I find the GOA is in line with my values!


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Wow, even to the right of the NRA. Go you. I still say if you want to spread the word, go to Social Space.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I'm also kind of giggling that you apparently don't know all the connotations of "Stonewall".


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I'm Australian and there is no gun culture here really, so I have to say the thought of getting a six year old a gun just seems insane to me. And I remember riding small motorbikes on my uncle's property when I was seven or so, plus my brother and lots of my friends ride, so to me that seems so much more reasonable than something designed to kill and hurt.

Anyway, cultural differences I guess. The sex thing though, no wonder you don't want to do it if you never have an orgasm. I'm impressed you do it once a week, frankly.

Get a vibrator. They are wonderful and they don't have to be elaborate. Just a little buzzing egg will do the trick and it's very discrete. Try Adam & Eve Adult Store - Shop Erotic Sex Toys and Adult Novelties.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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