# boyfriend continues to hurt me



## Starling (Feb 28, 2011)

I’m in a nearly three year relationship with my live-in boyfriend. We have been living together for 1.5 years. I feel that he does not pull his weight, and what’s most hurtful is his unwillingness to spend time together. He always has time for friends and family, and spends hours (roughly 10 a week) visiting his grandfather, while I’m lucky to get 2 hours a week spending time with him. 

I told him awhile back that I needed 8 hours a week just me and him. That never happened. On two separate occasions where he said he would dedicate one of his days off to me, he runs errands. Most recently he was preoccupied doing his laundry and mowing the lawn, finally finishing at 8pm. He feels that I have no right in being upset or angry, so I tend to pretend all is okay. If I get upset, he accuses me of being mad at him all the time. Then he makes excuses, “I had to get my laundry done, I only have so much time, what do you expect me to do?” He took his laundry to his relatives who live an hour away two times in the past three weeks, but never bothered to wash them there. Because he didn’t wash them then, I am left to pay the price by waiting to spend time with him.

My responsibilities include tending to nearly everything in the house. I vacuum, am responsible for the bills being paid on time, change the bedding, clean the floors, toilet, stove, laundry, making necessary calls to the landlord, am always buying food. His only jobs in the house are taking out the trash (which I end up doing most of the time), and during the warm months, mowing the lawn. When his friends or family visit, I clean the house from top to bottom, rarely getting a helping hand from him. It may be his family, but I want a spotless home when visitors come (he also feels that his family is welcome anytime, regardless of my desires, but that's another issue). I do not work, and am getting disability for the time being. However, the bills are split 50/50, and my income is roughly a third of his.
In spite of my meager income, I can afford all my bills, and then some. He comes to me every month, asking to borrow hundreds of dollars. I have bought him a laptop, concert tickets, an Xbox, get him food since he can never afford it. He always pays me back, but the fact that I am not getting my needs met, and that is his time and attention for 8 hours a week, I feel used and hurt. He asked me to borrow an additional $40 a few days ago, and I refused. I am no longer giving him money and doing him favors when he shows limited interest in me.

Just today, he is at his grandfather’s again, and told me he would be home by 4pm at the latest (I knew that wouldn’t happen). He called, saying it would be closer to 5, and mentioned that he told his grandfather that he is in no hurry. Why would he tell him that? 
My boyfriend also invalidates how I feel all the time. As I mentioned, I can’t voice my feelings, because either I’m “blowing things out of proportion,” or “You’re always mad at me.” My feelings are not irrational, and even revealing them civilly does me no good.

Here’s a specific instance of his behavior toward me from a few nights ago: we were both upstairs, and I was getting ready for bed. He was already laying in bed, his cellphone on the floor next to him. I was trying to find my phone, which I knew I had brought upstairs. He offered to call it on his phone so it could be located. He asked me if that’s what I wanted him to do, and I told him yes. He then sighs and mumbles because he has to move himself two feet to reach his phone for his girlfriend who does everything for him. I asked him why offer if he’s going to complain….
I give him his freedom, lend him money, buy him things he otherwise would never have (the laptop), go visit his relatives from time to time, attend social functions that I hate, clean the house, etc.

He says he gets very uncomfortable in a messy house, yet has no regard for my discomfort. I have told him in the past that I hate dirty dishes in the sink (we don’t have a dishwasher), that he should wash the dishes immediately after they are used. He says he doesn’t have time to do that.

At this point I feel I owe him nothing, because I am getting nothing. I do not give him these things in hopes for something in return. I want to help him out, but now I feel anything more will result in overextending myself to the point of being taken advantage of. He doesn’t keep his word, spends no time with me, and it’s very evident that I am very far down on his priority list in spite of what he says to the contrary.

I have to live here for another 10 months. I feel like giving up. I am so hurt, but expressing myself will leave me feeling more hurt because he will turn it around and point the finger at me. He expects that even if he goes back on his word, since he is “here now” (even though he is late) I should turn my frustrated mood off, otherwise *I* am ruining our limited time together. 

I don't know what I'm asking, if anything. This feels like a hopeless situation. I guess the only thing to maybe do is change my demeanor, but what else can I do?

P.S.
It's 5:30, he won't be home for another hour.


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## KittKat (May 2, 2011)

Hey Starling,
Bear with me I am new to this forum, but I am very sorry to hear about the way that your boyfriend is treating you. It sounds to me like he is treating you like a mother instead of a girlfriend. What I mean is he wants you to clean up after his messes, cook for him, take care of him, and give him a monthly allowance. You said that you do not currently have a job so he probably expects you to take care of things around the house while he is at work, but since you both pay 50% of the rent it is not your job to be his mom or his maid. It is not necessarily bad that you do the majority of the house work since you are at home (I am a contract 3D artist so I work at the house and live with my boyfriend as well), but he should be expected to help out as well especially if he wants things done a particular way. The fact that he complains about having to do the smallest things for you (like calling your cell phone) shows that he doesn't respect you or appreciate the things you do for him. Another thing, have you asked him where all of his money is going so quickly? If he is making 1/3 more than you and yet still having to come to you for money after the bills are paid, what is he spending all of his leftover cash on? I hate to bring this thought into your head, but with him spending so much time away from the house and refusing to spend time with you and spending all of his money so quickly, it is always possible he has found someone else to spend it on. You shouldn't have to keep your feelings bottled up, and you dont deserve to. That will only make you feel even more miserable and things can possibly end up worse in the end. Maybe you should start distancing yourself from the situation slowly. Are there some friends or family you can stay with for awhile? If you live far away from your family going to visit them for a few weeks can be a great excuse to get away as well. Even if you can't do this find some friends to go out with every once in a while. Go to the movies, out to dinner, out for a drink etc. He will start to see your entire world doesn't revolve around him and maybe the time you spend out or away will make him want to see you more. Also as far as housework, maybe only start cleaning up after yourself for awhile. Do your own laundry, wash your own dishes etc. Make him take responsibility for himself for a change. If he doesn't start to appreciate all you do for him, the situation probably isn't going to change and you have to ask yourself if it's even worth it to you in the long run.


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## Starling (Feb 28, 2011)

Thank you KittKat for taking the time to read and respond to a lengthy post. In all fairness, he does not expect me to clean up after him, although sometimes I do. He does hold himself accountable for most of his messes.

I can understand that my responsibilities should extend to much of the housework, however, as you can see I bear the brunt of every task - housework and otherwise, with him doing little.

Yes, I have asked him about always being low on money, and he has debts to pay, uses far more gas than I do, health insurance, etc. He often miscalculates, though, how much is coming out of his checking and for what. He has asked me to run to the bank a few times to make a deposit so his account wouldn't be overdrawn. So he is not good with money.

I guess I will start doing more things away from him. But I'm not going to do so with the hopes he will miss me, or that this will provide him with some incentive to give me a minute amount of attention. It will be for me, in order to remove myself from the situation and these issues, if only for the time away. 

I'm starting to wonder if I even want to spend time with him anymore. It's been going on long enough, and with no progress being made, I just end up tired and defeated. He doesn't want to be in my presence enough to dedicate time to me, so why should I bother?

He is clearly tired of me, in spite of him saying, "I want to spend time with you." Words without action don't impress me. Until he can back them up, I am not listening.

It's amazing how attentive he can be with his friends and family, and I get 2% of that attentiveness. After all I do for him. Trying REALLY hard to stave off resentment. *sigh*

Thanks for the suggestions and kind words.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

You're not his girlfriend, you're his mother. Or at least that's how it seems to me. You're left to do everything while he spends no time with you and doesn't even help out, then asks you for hundreds of dollars. 

He is clearly not interested in you. Its probably in your best interest to move on. You're by yourself pretty much anyway. He will no longer treat you this way and hurt you if you're no longer with him.


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