# Devastated



## Bigjalann (Apr 4, 2020)

I will try to keep this short. But I have been married to the love of my life for 14 years. She has been my sole focus, as has our Family. We have a Daughter, 13...straight A / Honors student. We had what I thought was a "very good marriage". There have been communication "issues" in instances...and we "struggled" in our first 8 years. We decided together that she would "stay at home with our kids" (each of us had a child from previous marriages) during that time. Family / kids over "material". I had been fired from a job, right when we were married...so...again, our first 8 years included a lot of struggles. But we survived it. I finally found an excellent, stable job...and we really started to gain momentum. I had always "supported" us...we just did not have a lot of extras. Credit was not great either...due to the struggles. However...that all was over 6 years ago. We "made it out". 

Recently, my wife has asked for a divorce. She has worked 4 of the last 6 years...and is now a "loan closer" at a local 6 branch bank. Over the past 2 years, she has "slept with her phone", literally. I have seen "male customers" in her phone, and as friends on facebook. In October, she was on the floor...with phone at the foot of the bed. When I "got up" she shoved it under the bed. I walked by. I came back into the room after getting a glass of milk. Was going to sit next to her (she was back in the bed) and ask about the phone. She (again) shoved it under the pillow. I went to bed, upset, and confused. I should have demanded to see it. I started to be very suspicious and worry about it. The behavior became "swiping the screen away when I was near", double security, etc. After a "tougher year" with bonuses, my income had been less...so I had to cut some things back. But, her 40th Birthday was in December...so I bought her a pair of diamond stud earrings...hoping that would be a wonderful, appreciated gift. She started taking opening my mail, then...I was late on a couple of payments (see earrings). Forward to February, she asks for a divorce saying she "is 40 and wants to have more in life". Citing our struggles from years past. I do not think there is a physical issue...but do believe she has a "emotional relationship" with someone. She is a private person...but went to her family, and her Father sent her the lawyer money. She went to one, filed papers, is moving fast to "get it done"...and is leaving for "an apartment" next week, with our Daughter and my Step Son. Yet, she "says she loves me" and offered me sex last evening.

I am DEVASTATED. I cannot stop it. I keep reading, have been to counseling...and I keep being told to "be neutral and let her go". I am trying. But, truth be told...I just want her to stop...I want us to work on what appear to be "lingering issues"...because there IS love between us. But, she is sort of a "emotionless" type. Not very affectionate, that has been years since she "initiated" any sexual contact...she says "you are the man". Says that when I said we "needed to work together on finances" too. I get that...but I am starting to wonder, as much as I love her. What is going on? Man "waiting for her", "mid life crises"? Or...did she never make it past our struggles...and just stayed for the security. 

In any case...I just do not know how to do this. I love her very much...she is / has been my World. I am very confused, hurt, angry. I just want to know do I keep this "let her go so she can come back" act...or do I be what I really am...a man who wants to fight for his wife? In the initial time, I did (was very hard not to), cry, ask for her not to "do this"...but I had to strengthen up. At this point, I am just wanting to stop it...but I do not know what is best. 

I just know that losing my wife, our Family...is the last thing I want, our Daughter wants...and I am lost at what road to take. Sorry for the long post...but I am just crushed over this...and I cannot think of why she is "so cold" and wanting to leave...but says she "loves me" and does the other.

Confused, Hurt and Devastated (Jon)


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Bigjalann said:


> I do not think there is a physical issue...but do believe she has a "emotional relationship" with someone.
> 
> Not very affectionate, that has been years since she "initiated" any sexual contact...she says "you are the man".
> 
> Or...did she never make it past our struggles...and just stayed for the security.


I'm a biased observer..... but I think she married you for the security, and never really wanted to be your wife. Your struggles don't have much to do with this, one way, or the other. She has gained her ability to support herself, at least partially, over the last 6 years, she wants an autonomous life now that she can financially manage it.

It's very easy to be attracted to someone you don't have to live with. The relationship only has "the good parts" - which, of course, relegates all the work and responsibility to the relationship with you, with none of the "fun". She has a "fun" guy and a plan B supporter guy, which is you. I wouldn't kid myself about it not being physical.

Required reading:

*THE 180*


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Her behaviour with her phone is very suspicious...


----------



## cp3o (Jun 2, 2018)

See a lawyer, explain the situation, find out where the law says you stand.

From what you say I suspect that she has replaced you already. The unfortunate reality is that, in a relationship, what one person wants is irrelevant unless the other wants the same.

You are in terrible shock and pain - the way out is to accept that she's (emotionally) gone and (within the law) fight her as the opponent she has decided to become. You are no longer, if ever you were, someone she respects or whose feelings matter to her. Being nice will only bring you and your kids more pain.

So sorry


----------



## Bigjalann (Apr 4, 2020)

I appreciate the comments. I am ok with "legal advice" my Mother is a well respected Family Law attorney. As far as the phone behavior...I should have insisted / stopped it. But I believed she was "doing social media / politics". Lastly...I got into the phone 3 times over the last couple of years with her thinking it was protected...there was never anything in there...deleted or not...so I, again, believed her. 

What I did not say...is for the years we were married. I paid for her Son's Health Insurance, and made up the difference for the "bare minimum" child support allowed by our State for "unemployed fathers" ($300) for the duration. He not only was employed...but he ended up having a pawn / gun shop years ago. He was never asked to pay "non covered items" (50% of medical, school, braces, etc.) Either. And she never had it amended.

So...the hurt, the betrayal, the unappreciative nature of her doing this...3 Months before his 18th birthday...is what hurts almost as much as me losing my Family. Feel used, feel that I was nothing more than income and benefits. 

Going to go throw up now!


----------



## Bigjalann (Apr 4, 2020)

Oh...she says "I am not a mean person"...too.


----------



## JMarie (Aug 15, 2019)

I agree... 

It sickens me that people can be so cold to someone they supposedly loved. 

If she can walk away so easily... whatever is going on in her head or world...your not in it. 

My questions for you are the same questions I recently had to ask myself. Do you believe that you have value?
Do you want to be given the same kind of love as you give?


Imagine this for a second...
It’s 20 years in the future.. your daughter or son is married and their spouse, out of the blue, drops them like a hot rock and crushes their heart.. the same circumstances you are going through now. 
What would you tell him/her?

Would you say... “Torment yourself to death.. you must have done something to deserve being totally disrespected and dishonored.” 

Or would you say...
“ I’m just as confused as to why this is happening. But I know one thing, you don’t deserve this kind of behavior. I know this hurts really bad right now but it is to your benefit to let go. You can’t be with the one you deserve if your stuck with the one you don’t.” 

And frankly, she doesn’t deserve you in my opinion.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, you’ve been used for security. That’s more common than you imagine, unfortunately. 

Focus on putting her in the past and getting your life back together.


----------



## Bigjalann (Apr 4, 2020)

Thank you, both. That means a lot.

Feeling that I have been "used for security" does hurt. But it also gives me some strength to start asking "what is it that I gained from this"? My answer keeps being "I need to find that out"

She is an "Engineer's Daughter"...great with "numbers"...but emotionally not A. Mature and B. Available. She, herself, says "I am not an emotional person"...unless it has to do with her Son. Still, every night whe I turned on the street...I felt a smile in my heart...because she was in the house. Maybe, I liked who "I was" as a husband...and in that I can find why I "tolerated" all this...for so long. I felt a sense of "duty" and "pride" in the Husband I was...regardless of anything else. 

I am working on "transferring" that to making myself and, as you asked my "value and self worth" on, frankly, myself. I have to. It does not make this any less painful...and I still would have hoped she would stop this. 

At this point, though...if she did, I am just not sure I would...unless I was given the things I DESERVE for the Husband I was, and would be. Without her finally communicating and working on herself. I do not think I would reconcile. So...she can pack her boxes and go...she can have her "life on her own" (still not certain there is not a man she is trying to get to...that always shows itself faster than some think). But I will do it...I really have no control over anything but how I handle and react to this. 

Thanks again for the kind words. Means a LOT.


----------



## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

You say your mother is a respected divorce attorney. PLEASE sit down and lay this out before her. My bells are ringing. I have been around this nonsense for forty years, your mom is likely to want to know what the devil is going on in the background. There are no such things as a clear cut divorce. There are always agendas. Whether the parties acknowledge them or not. My bells tell me that as a banker, she has overstepped and gotten involved with a customer or two. Happens. It is a career killer if it is caught. Banks are notoriously conservative. If it were me advising you, I would have a PI on her ASAFP.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Bigjalann said:


> I paid for her Son's Health Insurance, and made up the difference for the "bare minimum" child support ...for the duration...... she never had it amended.
> 
> Feel used, feel that I was nothing more than income and benefits.


BTDT. Except, the bare minimum wasn't paid, either. I had the whole deal. I was nothing more than income and benefits to her. I get it, how hurtful that is when you finally figure that out, and know you have been conned.

I sure hope the laws have changed significantly since it was me. That deadbeat son-of-a-***** walked away Scott-free.


----------



## Bigjalann (Apr 4, 2020)

My mother is in involved DAILY and has all the details, pictures...and is handling the "filed papers", etc. Promise. 

On the other. Have had a GPS tracker on her car. Am an electronics whiz, have a spy cam, and a "data forensics" team ready to pull info, if needed. 

After we had a "conversation" regarding her "behavior". She "got a new phone" (old one is probably at the bottom of a lake somewhere). She changed passwords, e-mails, Apple ID was "reset". So...while I do not have "physical proof" yet...I WILL if it exists...and...the circumstantial evidence, along with her wanting to "get this done quickly"...points to something going on...no doubt. 

I am on it...but I also at this point, have to ask if any of this is going to make a difference. She is "not going after alimony, 401k or my stocks"...she wants this done quickly...and QUIETLY.


----------



## Bigjalann (Apr 4, 2020)

Oh...and on the "career killer" thing...she is VERY adamant about "my job being ruined"...so there is that, too.


----------



## Bigjalann (Apr 4, 2020)

JMarie said:


> I agree...
> 
> It sickens me that people can be so cold to someone they supposedly loved.
> 
> ...


Thank you for this. I appreciate it, more than you can know.


----------



## Bigjalann (Apr 4, 2020)

On top of all that...she brought boxes into the house...she is packing up...and keeps "discussing items" with me. Sickens me to my core.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

It’s over. Stop trying to get or caring about evidence, unless that’s going to make a difference legally in your divorce.

Put your dukes up and start protecting yourself and your assets. Be cold as ice to her.


----------



## Bigjalann (Apr 4, 2020)

Marduk said:


> It’s over. Stop trying to get or caring about evidence, unless that’s going to make a difference legally in your divorce.
> 
> Put your dukes up and start protecting yourself and your assets. Be cold as ice to her.


Rest assured. Already doing that. Being "neutral" and focusing on myself. 

Still hard to deal with. 14 years of being a "solely focused Husband"...just does not go away over night. But my Mother, friends, counselor...all say I am "already a year ahead" of where I "should be". Trying, man. Honestly trying.


----------



## JMarie (Aug 15, 2019)

You sound like a fantastic guy... One day you’ll believe( as Garth Brooks sings it in one of his songs) One of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. 

Know that somewhere out there the perfect woman is praying to find you. More than one most likely... the odds are in your favor. 

Stay in communication with family and close friends during this time. One day you’ll wake up and the pain will be gone.


----------



## Bigjalann (Apr 4, 2020)

JMarie said:


> You sound like a fantastic guy... One day you’ll believe( as Garth Brooks sings it in one of his songs) One of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.
> 
> Know that somewhere out there the perfect woman is praying to find you. More than one most likely... the odds are in your favor.
> 
> Stay in communication with family and close friends during this time. One day you’ll wake up and the pain will be gone.


Thank you Marie. Very kind of you. 

I don't really think I will be open to finding anyone for quite some time, if ever. It is truly that hard to see happening. I assume part of this was...I made a vow, and to me...that is just something you do not go back on. Maybe in time...but do not see that at the moment. Thanks again.


----------



## cp3o (Jun 2, 2018)

Bigjalann said:


> My mother is in involved DAILY and has all the details, pictures...and is handling the "filed papers", etc. Promise.


Excellent



> She is "not going after alimony, 401k or my stocks"...she wants this done quickly...and QUIETLY.


Please do not assume that because she is acting so at present she will do so throughout.

She may - but you need to be prepared and protected should something (you, family, work, OM if there is one, the weather - whatever) provoke a change, even a perceived change, that alters her state of mind.


----------



## Bigjalann (Apr 4, 2020)

Understood. Have already seen that several times. Changes like the wind.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If you have access to the phone bill I’d find out who her boyfriend is. You may need the leverage.

VAR in her car might be good too.


----------



## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Bottom line, this is for leverage at every point of this divorce. That, and I literally hate getting into a discovery without complete knowledge of my parties. Your mom is likely to have the same mindset. Even if the financial end of this is safe and secure. Me? I want the full picture. It does make for easier sailing through the morass of fecal matter that I smell here.


----------



## Bigjalann (Apr 4, 2020)

I am working on it. I have to be careful around Alabama Law...and make sure I am not compromised. But...I have already found that she has another man's (customer from bank) "personal phone ID" that is used for NOTHING for the "Bank". That is how you "access messaging apps", etc. Have his name, number, and phone ID. I will get something...if it does exist. 

Thanks to you both. Very much appreciated!!


----------



## Bigjalann (Apr 4, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> If you have access to the phone bill I’d find out who her boyfriend is. You may need the leverage.
> 
> VAR in her car might be good too.


Unfortunately...she has always insisted on paying for...and having her own phone bill...and she has the latest "I-phone security" (fingerprint and password)...so getting in is very difficult. Not to mention...she sleeps with it, literally, in her hand.


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Yep, she full blown affair. Protect yourself and don't believe for a moment she isn't doing the customer. Convenient put it over here for a settlement in your favor or tell exposure to the bank HR for screwing the customers so they get their loans is how you play it. File.


----------



## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Bigjalann said:


> I will try to keep this short. But I have been married to the love of my life for 14 years. She has been my sole focus, as has our Family. We have a Daughter, 13...straight A / Honors student. We had what I thought was a "very good marriage". There have been communication "issues" in instances...and we "struggled" in our first 8 years. We decided together that she would "stay at home with our kids" (each of us had a child from previous marriages) during that time. Family / kids over "material". I had been fired from a job, right when we were married...so...again, our first 8 years included a lot of struggles. But we survived it. I finally found an excellent, stable job...and we really started to gain momentum. I had always "supported" us...we just did not have a lot of extras. Credit was not great either...due to the struggles. However...that all was over 6 years ago. We "made it out".
> 
> Recently, my wife has asked for a divorce. She has worked 4 of the last 6 years...and is now a "loan closer" at a local 6 branch bank. Over the past 2 years, she has "slept with her phone", literally. I have seen "male customers" in her phone, and as friends on facebook. In October, she was on the floor...with phone at the foot of the bed. When I "got up" she shoved it under the bed. I walked by. I came back into the room after getting a glass of milk. Was going to sit next to her (she was back in the bed) and ask about the phone. She (again) shoved it under the pillow. I went to bed, upset, and confused. I should have demanded to see it. I started to be very suspicious and worry about it. The behavior became "swiping the screen away when I was near", double security, etc. After a "tougher year" with bonuses, my income had been less...so I had to cut some things back. But, her 40th Birthday was in December...so I bought her a pair of diamond stud earrings...hoping that would be a wonderful, appreciated gift. She started taking opening my mail, then...I was late on a couple of payments (see earrings). Forward to February, she asks for a divorce saying she "is 40 and wants to have more in life". Citing our struggles from years past. I do not think there is a physical issue...but do believe she has a "emotional relationship" with someone. She is a private person...but went to her family, and her Father sent her the lawyer money. She went to one, filed papers, is moving fast to "get it done"...and is leaving for "an apartment" next week, with our Daughter and my Step Son. Yet, she "says she loves me" and offered me sex last evening.
> 
> ...


NO ONE acts that way with their phone unless they are hiding something.
Marriages do not thrive when partners are hiding things from each other. 
I would be shocked if she didn't have something going on with another guy. 
If she was acting that suspicious with the phone I would have demanded her to show it to me.


----------



## Bigjalann (Apr 4, 2020)

hinterdir said:


> NO ONE acts that way with their phone unless they are hiding something.
> Marriages do not thrive when partners are hiding things from each other.
> I would be shocked if she didn't have something going on with another guy.
> If she was acting that suspicious with the phone I would have demanded her to show it to me.


I know. And I regret having not been more forceful / alpha. Maybe I could have prevented this earlier. Instead...I panicked and went into "show her you love her" mode. That, unfortunately, did not work. 

Once we were already into her "I want a divorce" I told her I "knew more than she thinks I do" like an idiot. Next day, Daddy send her lawyer money, she gets a lawyer, papers get filed...and she is going to move out. So...had I done this back in October...would I have stopped it, or sped it up. The whole thing is just one "what could I do" after another.


----------



## cp3o (Jun 2, 2018)

Bigjalann said:


> ....... The whole thing is just one "what could I do" after another.


Don't beat yourself up - this is who she is. Nothing you could have done would have changed that. 

Yeah - maybe if you'd done something differently she'd have reacted differently - but she would still have been the same person. She might have sped up - she might have slowed down - she might even have stopped before crossing the line.

So what?

She is what she is. After you'd spent another year or three of wondering she would have done the same again - only she'd have learned from experience. And when she'd finally moved on - as she surely would - you would have been older, more distrustful and less likely to be able to live the long and happy life you can have once this trauma is over.

What if's are a waste of time and dangerous. I spurned further education, leaving school at 16. Would my life have been better if I'd gone, as expected, to Oxbridge? Maybe - though it would have to have been spectacular to beat what I have - but what if, for example, I'd got into drugs? Stepped in front of an Oxford Corporation bus? Married someone who gave me three kids and AIDS? Would I even be alive? Would I be living on the streets? There is no guarantee that I would have had a better life, nor that I would have reached a comfortable old(ish) age. When we "what if" we tend to forget the potential downsides. And since we don't have the option to go back and change things speculation is a waste of time.

Just realise that you are where you are, that you have your integrity intact and work to have the best possible future.

Here endeth................


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Bigjalann said:


> I know. And I regret having not been more forceful / alpha. Maybe I could have prevented this earlier. Instead...I panicked and went into "show her you love her" mode. That, unfortunately, did not work.
> 
> Once we were already into her "I want a divorce" I told her I "knew more than she thinks I do" like an idiot. Next day, Daddy send her lawyer money, she gets a lawyer, papers get filed...and she is going to move out. So...had I done this back in October...would I have stopped it, or sped it up. The whole thing is just one "what could I do" after another.


You probably would have just sped it up which would have been good. 

This looks like and exit affair, based on the speed of he filing divorce. 

Would have been nice if she just said she wanted a divorce before she cheated... But it is what it is...


----------



## Bigjalann (Apr 4, 2020)

cp3o said:


> Don't beat yourself up - this is who she is. Nothing you could have done would have changed that.
> 
> Yeah - maybe if you'd done something differently she'd have reacted differently - but she would still have been the same person. She might have sped up - she might have slowed down - she might even have stopped before crossing the line.
> 
> ...


Thank you, my friend. I needed that!


----------



## Bigjalann (Apr 4, 2020)

BluesPower said:


> You probably would have just sped it up which would have been good.
> 
> This looks like and exit affair, based on the speed of he filing divorce.
> 
> Would have been nice if she just said she wanted a divorce before she cheated... But it is what it is...


Yeah...I see the "leading candidate" from my research...guy who's "phone id" she has. Started being "Facebook Friends" and "liking her posts" (just pics of her), take a guess...you got it...end of September.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Bigjalann said:


> What I did not say...is for the years we were married. I paid for her Son's Health Insurance, and made up the difference for the "bare minimum" child support allowed by our State for "unemployed fathers" ($300) for the duration. He not only was employed...but he ended up having a pawn / gun shop years ago. He was never asked to pay "non covered items" (50% of medical, school, braces, etc.) Either. And she never had it amended.
> 
> So...the hurt, the betrayal, the unappreciative nature of her doing this...3 Months before his 18th birthday...is what hurts almost as much as me losing my Family. Feel used, feel that I was nothing more than income and benefits.
> 
> Going to go throw up now!


So, yeah, she decided to marry you for companionship, security, and to have a father for her son, someone to have a proper family with, but not because she passionately loved you and wanted you.



Bigjalann said:


> Maybe, I liked who "I was" as a husband...and in that I can find why I "tolerated" all this...for so long. I felt a sense of "duty" and "pride" in the Husband I was...regardless of anything else.


Men tend to identify themselves by their roles in society, so that's not a surprise. 

My father was pretty much the kind of guy who was lost and adrift without a female partner. When my mother unexpectedly passed away when she was in her mid-40's and he was in his late 30's, after 18 years together, it was a very hard time for him, grieving her loss and learning to be alone. Within 3 years of her death he met his female counterpart. She was no good solo just like my dad was no good solo. They've been together nearly 20 years, married for most of those. There are women out there who also like to be married, like to be part of a team, and want a good guy to share their lives with.



Bigjalann said:


> Yeah...I see the "leading candidate" from my research...guy who's "phone id" she has. Started being "Facebook Friends" and "liking her posts" (just pics of her), take a guess...you got it...end of September.


Get as much evidence as you can and leverage it to get the best deal you can.


----------



## Bigjalann (Apr 4, 2020)

MJJEAN said:


> So, yeah, she decided to marry you for companionship, security, and to have a father for her son, someone to have a proper family with, but not because she passionately loved you and wanted you.
> 
> 
> Men tend to identify themselves by their roles in society, so that's not a surprise.
> ...


Thanks for the kind words. I am glad I found this forum. You have all been very helpful. I hope to "pass on" the kindness as soon as I am able!


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Is her om married? If so I’d put an anonymous bug in his wife’s ear.

The least you can do.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If alimony is part of the equation the cost of a PI maybe worth it. You know who it is. So.....


----------



## Bigjalann (Apr 4, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> Is her om married? If so I’d put an anonymous bug in his wife’s ear.
> 
> The least you can do.


I do not know yet. This is why I am trying to find out.


----------



## Bigjalann (Apr 4, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> If alimony is part of the equation the cost of a PI maybe worth it. You know who it is. So.....


She is not going after Alimony, Stocks or 401k...just $818 in Child Support and half the equity in our home. A home she refused to be on the application...but darn sure showed up at the closing table (and now wants her "margins")


----------



## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Get tested for STDs


----------



## Bigjalann (Apr 4, 2020)

OnTheFly said:


> Get tested for STDs


Yeah...that isn't something I am concerned about. As I said...have had gps tracker on her car...and there is no "physical" anything. Doesnt mean someone isnt waiting on her and an "online emotional relationship" has not happened...but...not worried about something that has not been a factor. Also...kind of makes me sick to think about that.


----------



## cp3o (Jun 2, 2018)

Bigjalann said:


> Yeah...that isn't something I am concerned about. As I said...have had gps tracker on her car...and there is no "physical" anything. Doesnt mean someone isnt waiting on her and an "online emotional relationship" has not happened...but...not worried about something that has not been a factor. Also...kind of makes me sick to think about that.


_"Over the past 2 years, she has "slept with her phone", ""_Does your GPS data go back 2 years, does it ensure she hasn't had sex at work (most workplaces have janitorial cupboards and/or someone with a private office - and you don't need full intercourse to pass on a STD)_?_
I doubt a test will show a problem - but you need to know for sure.

_"and on the "career killer" thing...she is VERY adamant about "my job being ruined"...so there is that, too"_

Embezzlement, drugs or a seriously inappropriate relationship - what else?

_"After we had a "conversation" regarding her "behavior". She "got a new phone" (old one is probably at the bottom of a lake somewhere). She changed passwords, e-mails, Apple ID was "reset". "_

Whatever it was it involved someone else didn't it?

Remember - you are dealing with someone who you don't know. You were shown a facet, perhaps a genuine side - perhaps a fiction, but it was not the person who you are now facing. 

One of my jobs involved some debt-collecting - the golden rule to collecting was "always go in hard (not nasty) - in the few cases where it wasn't justified you can always back off once you have all the data you need. Go in soft and you can never - never - successfully toughen up." She owes you - you need to collect - and you won't if she thinks she can fob you off with an offer that she will renege on as soon as it suits her to do so.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Bigjalann said:


> Yeah...I see the "leading candidate" from my research...guy who's "phone id" she has. Started being "Facebook Friends" and "liking her posts" (just pics of her), take a guess...you got it...end of September.


See if you can find out if he has a wife or GF -- ALSO, just to make it clear, she will re-write your marital history to friends/family/etc. Make sure that YOU are very clear with all that she is leaving YOU because she is having and affair. You can even tell them his name now. She can try to deny all she wants, but you know the score here.


----------



## cgallegos007 (Apr 5, 2020)

Bigjalann said:


> My mother is in involved DAILY and has all the details, pictures...and is handling the "filed papers", etc. Promise.
> 
> On the other. Have had a GPS tracker on her car. Am an electronics whiz, have a spy cam, and a "data forensics" team ready to pull info, if needed.
> 
> ...


How can I do data forensics? I know his passwords Apple ID everything but I’m afraid to touch his phone and him catching me


----------



## Bigjalann (Apr 4, 2020)

cgallegos007 said:


> How can I do data forensics? I know his passwords Apple ID everything but I’m afraid to touch his phone and him catching me


I contacted a Company for it. If you have his "Apple ID"...log into it from a computer he uses or has used to do so. Apple "sends a alert" if another device is used to access it. U could do it from his phone if you have it. Or...if you can get his phone...go to "albums" and look under "deleted photos". It keeps all photos deleted for 30 days. Hope that helps. May not. Contact a local PI and ask him for a Data Forensics Company near you.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

If you get 50/50 custody, would you still be required to pay her child support?

She's worried about her job - use that as leverage. Banks may seem conservative; but, in my experience they are just like any other company. They wouldn't necessarily care that she was shagging a customer unless it would bring the press down on them. Or, the president is a big Bible thumper. The concern for her job would be more along the lines of in-house shenanigans.


----------



## Bigjalann (Apr 4, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> If you get 50/50 custody, would you still be required to pay her child support?
> 
> She's worried about her job - use that as leverage. Banks may seem conservative; but, in my experience they are just like any other company. They wouldn't necessarily care that she was shagging a customer unless it would bring the press down on them. Or, the president is a big Bible thumper. The concern for her job would be more along the lines of in-house shenanigans.


We are doing "shared" custody. In our state...but she will be "primary" and get $818 a Month.

As far as her job. They are "conservative Christians"...bit she has had 2 promotions in the past 6 Months...and I feel sure her "COO" is a good "buddy". I just cannot get the evidence.


----------



## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

If you were my client, I would suggest the use of a private investigator. Yes, your financials sound about right for the time in. However, I am completely uncomfortable with the lack of background. Here is how I would handle this. Let the divorce go through, let her get comfortable. Then unleash the knowledge. I have had a few revenge reveals in my time. To varying degrees they served as a punishment for crimes committed during the marriage for which a divorce was insufficient as a sentence.


----------



## Bigjalann (Apr 4, 2020)

Taxman said:


> If you were my client, I would suggest the use of a private investigator. Yes, your financials sound about right for the time in. However, I am completely uncomfortable with the lack of background. Here is how I would handle this. Let the divorce go through, let her get comfortable. Then unleash the knowledge. I have had a few revenge reveals in my time. To varying degrees they served as a punishment for crimes committed during the marriage for which a divorce was insufficient as a sentence.


Agree...honestly, before I started to "wise up"...I felt that having this info would "make her stop". That is how foolish I was. As my Mother says..."will it make a difference if she stops"...and at this point, as much as it hurts. Has to be a "no" from me. I simply do not know who this person is. And I could not abuse myself by staying with her...no matter the pain, or the cost!


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Bigjalann said:


> "will it make a difference if she stops"...and at this point, as much as it hurts. Has to be a "no" from me. I simply do not know who this person is.


There was a time in my own case that it would have made a difference if she stopped. If she had stopped, immediately, cold-turkey, never-to-return under any circumstances, right after I discovered her (second) affair, I would have considered that a "good-faith" action which could have been reciprocated by me.

That was the time I "did not know who this person" was. Right then.

A few days hence.... is when I began to know exactly "who this person" was. She was a person who had NO RESPECT for me, my emotional welfare, nor the welfare of our children. And, I didn't want to be married to her, or anyone like her. If there was any way I could have kept my two boys completely away from her, forever, that's the path I would have taken. The antiquated laws and victorianesque jurisprudence of a backward state wouldn't allow it.


----------



## Bigjalann (Apr 4, 2020)

TJW said:


> There was a time in my own case that it would have made a difference if she stopped. If she had stopped, immediately, cold-turkey, never-to-return under any circumstances, right after I discovered her (second) affair, I would have considered that a "good-faith" action which could have been reciprocated by me.
> 
> That was the time I "did not know who this person" was. Right then.
> 
> A few days hence.... is when I began to know exactly "who this person" was. She was a person who had NO RESPECT for me, my emotional welfare, nor the welfare of our children. And, I didn't want to be married to her, or anyone like her. If there was any way I could have kept my two boys completely away from her, forever, that's the path I would have taken. The antiquated laws and victorianesque jurisprudence of a backward state wouldn't allow it.


I understand. I keep waffling back and forth, fighting my rational and prideful side as it pertains to "hoping it stops", but I keep wondering how someone who actually "loved" me could so easily betray me. Online, friends / family...she went head first. And to me...I have no alternative but to fight back at this point. She moves out Saturday...and is about to have a major does of "financial reality"...so good for her. I won't be sending a dime until a court orders me to.


----------



## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Bigjalann said:


> I understand. I keep waffling back and forth, fighting my rational and prideful side as it pertains to "hoping it stops", but I keep wondering how someone who actually "loved" me could so easily betray me. Online, friends / family...she went head first. And to me...I have no alternative but to fight back at this point. She moves out Saturday...and is about to have a major does of "financial reality"...so good for her. I won't be sending a dime until a court orders me to.


You should still tuck payments away in a savings account just in case you are ordered to pay back-support. If not then the money is still there. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Bigjalann (Apr 4, 2020)

Elizabeth001 said:


> You should still tuck payments away in a savings account just in case you are ordered to pay back-support. If not then the money is still there.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Agreed...but in my State...when you "abandon the house"...you are saying "I got this" and agreement already written...no $ until divorce is final. Let her mooch off of her parents...who, without looking at any of this, are financing and supporting her divorce. No TELLING what she said to make that happen. They loved me to death. I supported their Daughter and Grandson for years...now, I am "the guy she is divorcing". Again, betrayal and heartache. That people could act like this. Hence the title of my thread.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Bigjalann said:


> Let her mooch off of her parents..


Rest assured, mooch she will, just like she did off you.



Bigjalann said:


> No TELLING what she said to make that happen.


Her parents didn't get the "no-spin zone" - all adutlerers are liars. All of them, every last one.


----------



## Bigjalann (Apr 4, 2020)

TJW said:


> Rest assured, mooch she will, just like she did off you.
> 
> 
> 
> Her parents didn't get the "no-spin zone" - all adutlerers are liars. All of them, every last one.


Agree. Now...she has talked my 13 year old out of going to her counselor"...just about done with it all. I am simply flabbergasted at what is going on.


----------



## Bigjalann (Apr 4, 2020)

1:23 a.m. the last night with my Family in my home. They "move out" tomorrow. Boxes packed, spied a copy of the lease for her "Apartment"...15 Month lease. I suppose if she had a "contingency plan"...that would have been 6 Months? Is what it is. We had laughs and fun talking until she fell asleep. Yet tomorrow, she takes my Daughter and leaves. As the title to my thread says...DEVASTATED.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I'm so sorry your life has taken this turn.


----------



## Bigjalann (Apr 4, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> I'm so sorry your life has taken this turn.


Thank you so much. Was a very ling day. I suppose "Good Friday" is no longer "good memories" for me.


----------



## Bigjalann (Apr 4, 2020)

First night without the Family (in my home)...slept until 10 a.m. which is VERY unusual for me. She brought my Daughter by for a "last sweep" of things. And said "they did get my jewelry box, right" looked at my Daughter me standing there and said "So you can get those DIAMONDS". I.e. "Screw the flawless diamond ring and 2 diamond filled anniversary bands this asshole worked hard, paid for and gave to me". I just don't know how a person acts like this. I just don't. As if none of the marriage meant anything at all. And I know I have to start working on me...but the pain of it...gets worse with every word from her cold, uncaring mouth. I wish nothing bad on anyone...never have...but I am starting to here. I hope she gets **** on.


----------



## DTG (Mar 30, 2020)

Bigjalann said:


> First night without the Family (in my home)...slept until 10 a.m. which is VERY unusual for me. She brought my Daughter by for a "last sweep" of things. And said "they did get my jewelry box, right" looked at my Daughter me standing there and said "So you can get those DIAMONDS". I.e. "Screw the flawless diamond ring and 2 diamond filled anniversary bands this asshole worked hard, paid for and gave to me". I just don't know how a person acts like this. I just don't. As if none of the marriage meant anything at all. And I know I have to start working on me...but the pain of it...gets worse with every word from her cold, uncaring mouth. I wish nothing bad on anyone...never have...but I am starting to here. I hope she gets **** on.


I know its hard but you kind of have to not believe what she says. Shes built up an untrue image of you in her mind to justify what shes doing, and so she will be acting upon that. Shes switched herself off to you.

During my worst times recently with my wife she has launched the most personal attacks on my very being. My humour, my looks, my physique, my voice,the words i use to speak, my parenting, my cooking, my personality, my motive for anything, and rubbed in my face by comparing me to her "man on the side" or this man or that actor or just anyone. Ive learnt to just laugh at it. Shes deluded not me. 
I wish you all the best in your recovery. 
I was able to find my peace and worth in Jesus, i hope your able to find yours too.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Bigjalann said:


> Thank you so much. Was a very ling day. I suppose "Good Friday" is no longer "good memories" for me.


So try to think of it this way -- Jesus DIED on Good Friday, but came back to life on Easter -- YOU will also "come back to life" after all this is done.


----------



## Bigjalann (Apr 4, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> So try to think of it this way -- Jesus DIED on Good Friday, but came back to life on Easter -- YOU will also "come back to life" after all this is done.


Thank you friend. I am trying to focus on that as I can.


----------



## Bigjalann (Apr 4, 2020)

To the forums:

I wanted to provide an update to this thread...because of all the wonderful people who helped me through back then. I owe it to others that will come along and may see this. 

A year later, the EW and I are divorced (Sept. 2020). She was, in fact, seeing one of her customers, a truck driver who owned a towing Company, has a lake house, etc. I discovered everything she had done, by hiring a "data forensics" company. I was able to extract all her cell info off the laptop (I-Phone backup), her passwords, all of it. I was able to "leverage" the information to keep my house, lose nothing, and eventually, negotiate having primary custody of our 14 year old Daughter. 

She was "forcing" our child around the new man from day one. And she did so much damage to our sweet child, that forgiveness is something I can never find in my heart to give. My focus has been on myself, and my Daughter. I decided early on to provide a "you come first at Dad's house" environment for her. I am happy to say that she still makes straight A's and is happy and content here with me. Although she refuses to spend the night with her Mother. Which just shows how horrible this turned. 

Anyway...I wanted to provide this for anyone who helped me last year. I have taken what was given, and now help through a local "Divorce Care" group others going through the same pain I endured. 

Thank you all for all the help! God Bless.

Jon


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Congrats! Hopefully you learned that no individual in your life can be the"sole focus of your existence" as you said in your original post. When you give yourself to anyone without consideration to yourself you're exposing yourself to be taken for a ride and abused. I'm glad that you got primary custody of your daughter. This is one of the worse fears for us guys: the exposure of our daughters to other males in a different household, specially when they are being forcefully shoveled by an EX . No More Mister Nice Guy. Love yourself first, before you can love anybody else. Good luck in your new life.


----------



## Bigjalann (Apr 4, 2020)

Rob_1 said:


> Congrats! Hopefully you learned that no individual in your life can be the"sole focus of your existence" as you said in your original post. When you give yourself to anyone without consideration to yourself you're exposing yourself to be taken for a ride and abused. I'm glad that you got primary custody of your daughter. This is one of the worse fears for us guys: the exposure of our daughters to other males in a different household, specially when they are being forcefully shoveled by an EX . No More Mister Nice Guy. Love yourself first, before you can love anybody else. Good luck in your new life.


Thank you my friend! Very much appreciated.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

GOOD move with the data forensics company -- I think more folks should be aware of doing this -- would help them a TON!
Great way to leverage to keep YOUR $$, house and Daughter!


----------



## Bigjalann (Apr 4, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> GOOD move with the data forensics company -- I think more folks should be aware of doing this -- would help them a TON!
> Great way to leverage to keep YOUR $$, house and Daughter!


Thanks buddy! Hope all is well for you also.


----------



## shortbus (Jul 25, 2017)

Thanks for the update, good to hear you and daughter are doing well.

I never posted, but read your story. I don't know if you re-read it prior to your update, but if you did, do you see how your story was clearly obvious from the start?

I don't say that in any means to put you down, but only to point out how obvious human nature is especially in this area, and how it so often reads like a script, albeit, a bad one.

My post is mainly for the lurker or the new person on this board. Wise advice, free for the taking, don't discount it.

Best wishes for you and your daughter going forward.


----------



## Bigjalann (Apr 4, 2020)

shortbus said:


> Thanks for the update, good to hear you and daughter are doing well.
> 
> I never posted, but read your story. I don't know if you re-read it prior to your update, but if you did, do you see how your story was clearly obvious from the start?
> 
> ...


Absolutely. Every "instinct" I had was right. Had I made a move to stop it early, who knows. 

Ultimately, I had to figure out what was important...myself and my Daughter. 

Thanks for the kind words...and I agree...follow your instinct, trust your gut. 

Jon


----------

