# Dying Inside



## AndHereIAm

First off, for any help, opinions, or advice given thanks.

I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to start this. I just typed out my entire 13yr marriage and cleared it. I'm just going to get to the bottom line.
I don't have any attraction towards my wife at all. Even before we had kids this was going on. We have two kids, 8 & 7yrs old. I don't want this to sound like we had two kids and her body is not the same so I wan't out. Again this feeling was there before kids. 
I care about her but I don't love her like a husband should. I don't mistreat her, say bad things, etc. I go through the motions of marriage and keep up a front. We have sex but its just sex. I find myself having to think of things just to be able to finish. I don't really like to see my wife nude. It does nothing for me at all. If anything it turns me off. I'm 35yrs old 6'1" 205lbs. I'm in above average shape and I watch what I eat 80% of the time. My wife is 5' 0" 175lbs with no desire to "really" do anything about it. I just can't find an attraction. Come to think of it, I couldn't tell you the last time we actually kissed. I don't mean a peck on the lips before or after work. I mean kissed. I keep these feeling pushed down as best I can and have done a good job of it for about 9+ years. But, they creep up sometimes and it gets harder and harder to push back down. Now, I don't know if I can anymore.
My only reason for still being married this long is our kids. My parents divorced when I was 5yrs old so I know what its like and what it does to you. It crushes me to think of them having to go through that. But I want my kids to know what it looks like when two people love each other, enjoy each other and look forward to seeing each other. I don't know if our kids have ever walked in and seen us kissing (real kissing).
She has done nothing really wrong. She has given a huge amount in this marriage. I'm not saying I'm perfect cause I'm not and she accepts me for me with all my faults. But, I can't help or control if the attraction and the desire to be with her is gone. She is a good good woman. But I don't know what to do. I feel empty, lost and this weight is getting more than I can handle. It will be financial suicide for me and I know this but do you go through life with a feeling like this or what.
I could just use some advice I guess. If someone on here has been in the same sichuation what did you do and are you happy with it?? I'm dying inside. 

Thanks again for any help.


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## draconis

The more you put into the relationship, the more you will find your wife attractive. The more that love will be there. At 5'2 my wife's best weight is 120, it looks good on her as she is muscluar, however for other reasons she looks good at 130 too, but than again I found her attractive at 150 pounds too. But love is what it is, the more you invest, the more you care.

draconis


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## AndHereIAm

draconis said:


> The more you put into the relationship, the more you will find your wife attractive. The more that love will be there. At 5'2 my wife's best weight is 120, it looks good on her as she is muscluar, however for other reasons she looks good at 130 too, but than again I found her attractive at 150 pounds too. But love is what it is, the more you invest, the more you care.
> 
> draconis


 While I understand what you're saying, this started before she put on the weight. So now that just adds to it. The one thing in life you can not controll is who you are attracted too. I have tried and tried. Its not from a lack of effort. I always said and say its sad to see someone staying in a marriage that they are uphappy in. I struggle to practice what I preach.


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## draconis

But what effort have you made, you don't kiss, don't think about her during sex etc. You haven't made an effort

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-term-success-marriage/1174-what-gave-me-10-years-success.html

read this and see how you compare(d) be honest.

draconis


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## AndHereIAm

draconis said:


> But what effort have you made, you don't kiss, don't think about her during sex etc. You haven't made an effort
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-term-success-marriage/1174-what-gave-me-10-years-success.html
> 
> read this and see how you compare(d) be honest.
> 
> draconis


 That was a good read, no doubt. But you asked what effort have I made?? If she and the kids wanted it they got it. As a provider I do and have done everything in my means. If the house is cleaned, I do it. If the yard is mowed and picked up I do it. Kids have homework, I help. Cooking, thats 50/50. I take care of myself, neat,clean and nice shape. She never fixes her hair, puts on make-up or dresses up. She complains she has nothing to wear yet will not buy anything due to the face she does like how they fit. If we go out she wears the same thing she would wear to Wal-Mart. While over the last 13 years I have done a very good job of maintaining what she finds attractive yet if I mention her doing the same I might as well have spit on her. When an arguement comes up, we aren't 30 seconds into till she says she wants out. Now, here is what thats about. She knows I will cave in at that point due to the kids. She will get her way cause God knows I'm wrong no matter what its about. So what effort have I given, I have given alot of effort. Thirteen years of marriage, 9+ unhappy, never cheated, abusive, or anything. So I feel I have given effort and I am still giving it. But what I need is not being given and isn't going to be.


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## draconis

Next time she brings up divorce say okay...She how she really feels if you want. Atleast that is one less thing she will use to control you. But I am sensing that this all goes deeper than her looks (as you first said). Really think about the other stuff and be honest noone here will judge....

draconis


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## swedish

What was different in the first 4 years before you started feeling this way? Did she make an effort looking good at that point? More confidence? Was she listening and taking your opinions into account back then? If she has left you feeling invalidated or unappreciated over the years it can be a big factor in how you look at her & if she has self-image issues that will only add to it.


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## AndHereIAm

swedish said:


> What was different in the first 4 years before you started feeling this way? Did she make an effort looking good at that point? More confidence? Was she listening and taking your opinions into account back then? If she has left you feeling invalidated or unappreciated over the years it can be a big factor in how you look at her & if she has self-image issues that will only add to it.


 In a nut shell, we got married too early. We were married only 9 months after our first date. I guess the new of dating hadn't worn off before the engagement came then the wedding. So it kinda kept us in a state of bliss for a lot longer I guess. We didn't have our first fight until about 3 years into the marriage. Did she take better care of herself back then, yes. We had been married 5 years before our little girl came along. But even before our daughter I was feeling we married to early and the attraction, the desire to be with, and the feelings of looking forward to seeing her were fading fast if not gone. So now all these years later with the same feelings there, just getting pushed down, keeping this up has become more than I can handle. It would be easy to if she or myself had done something to really really justify divorce, but she hasn't and neither have I. She is a good woman, she lets me do what ever go where ever. I don't very much but she doesn't mind if I do. If there is something I would like to have then fine she's all in. My problem is I'm not In Love. I love her but I'm not In Love with her.


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## Leahdorus

So what do you want to do? Do you *want* to be in love with her again, or do you want out? Figuring that out is a good first step, because then you can focus on the things you need to do to reach that goal.


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## voivod

i'm sure there are several guys here who have given til it (literally) hurts in their relationship that would trade you positions. you say your wife has "given her all" for the marriage, "accepts you for you" and is a "good good woman." sound like she's a pretty good gal. all 5 foot and 175 pounds of her.

i guess i'm lucky because my wife is 5'6", 120lbs and knockout gorgeous. oh, wait, we're separated. sucks to be me.


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## AndHereIAm

voivod said:


> i'm sure there are several guys here who have given til it (literally) hurts in their relationship that would trade you positions. you say your wife has "given her all" for the marriage, "accepts you for you" and is a "good good woman." sound like she's a pretty good gal. all 5 foot and 175 pounds of her.
> 
> i guess i'm lucky because my wife is 5'6", 120lbs and knockout gorgeous. oh, wait, we're separated. sucks to be me.


 I understand what you're saying, really I do. But when it comes down to it I just don't enjoy the time we spend together unless the kids are here. You can go with the beauty is only skin deep and any other "ol saying" you want. But when it comes down to it, good person or not, if your heart just isn't in it then it doesn't matter what he or she looks like or how good/bad they treat you. 

Someone above asked if I wanted out or stay in. Honestly I want out. But with two young (8 & 7) kids its tough. I would rather me be the one to suffer than them hurt even the smallest amount. What it boils down too is them. Do I want to fall back in love again. Sure, that would make things easy but unless one of you can give directions to the perfect world then I guess I'm stuck here in mine. I have tried to. I don't guess I can express that in a post but I have, many many times. 

I didn't come on here asking for pitty. Is my marriage pure hell, no its not. We have nice material things, house,cars,RV,& other toys but I'm just missing something inside. And that is the attraction, passion and affection for my wife. 

So here is my question again. Since most (not all) of the advice I'm getting here is push through it, look deep, etc. For over 9 years out of the 13 I have done that. If someone on here ever fell out of love in their marriage (nothing else was wrong just simply were not "In Love" with their spouse anymore) and got divorced did that end up being the right choice for you??

Thanks again


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## voivod

AndHereIAm said:


> So here is my question again. Since most (not all) of the advice I'm getting here is push through it, look deep, etc. For over 9 years out of the 13 I have done that. If someone on here ever fell out of love in their marriage (nothing else was wrong just simply were not "In Love" with their spouse anymore) and got divorced did that end up being the right choice for you??


most everyone falls out of love to some degree, i suspect. "in love" was what you were that first month of courtship, or that moment when you were consumating your relationship sexually, or maybe when your first child was being born. that's the bar "in love" probably is set at. that's tough to match.

isolate the question "did divorce end up being the right choice?" and statistics bear out that it's a poor choice. something like two-thirds of people that initiate divorce are less happy than before they divorced.

*Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher, The Case for Marriage (New York: Doubleday, 2000)

sorry to be a contrarian to your feelings.


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## raising5boyz

Well, let's see here. I have known what it is like to love someone and not be "in love with them". But I had very good reason not to be. He was abusive. That was my 1st husband. I'm not even starting with the issues of my 2nd husband, soon to be ex. 

I would say that you are "comfortable" in the relationship. It's ok, but thats about it. So I'm a big believer that you settle on some points, but stand strong for things that really matter. And obviously something is going on that really matters, or there wouldn't be the possibility of your marriage ending. So what is it? There seems to be no spark. Why not? Are you spending time with just the two of you? Are you taking and making the time to be romantic instead of just having sex? You were in love with her at some point? What did you love about her that is different now? Have you talked to her about the weight and the lack of care for herself? It sounds as though shes not happy with herself. Confidence can go along way. Is there something you can do to help her? Maybe some type of makeover? It sounds as though your ok financially, what about treating her to some R&R at a spa.

If your bedroom life is boring, theres lots of ideas to spice that up. But if shes insecure with herself, it's going to take some encouraging from you.

Maybe if you start showing her how you want your mariage to be, she will ricipocate it. 

I am sure she can feel your lack of desire to be with her. Make her feel like an absolute queen and maybe you will see a different side of her.

Talk to her. Find things that will bring the two of you together.

If you want to do whats best for your kids, then you need to stay marries, and be happily married. 

Don't walk out on her without giving her a heads up with what she could do to at least try and fix things. If my husband told me that he wasn't attracted to me, you better believe I'd try to do something about it. But be there to help her and encourage her and praise her succeses.


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## draconis

In the end the only right choice is the one that you make. Ofcourse there are pluses and minuses on both sides of the coin. 

You stay in the marriage until the kids are away and be a loving dad. The kids think you are superman, and you know there isn't going to be a bad stepfather REPLACING you.

You divorce, get a great wife, show your kids what really love and happiness is all about and they make better choices, but look at quick answers to solve issues.

You cheat have your cake, get caught destroy your family, kids, wife but the SELFISH part of you is taken care off.

You stay with your wife and resolve to try in the marriage until the kids are away. They know dad tried, you are still superman plus batman in there eyes and teach them a few lessons on trying to do the right thing.

draconis


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## AndHereIAm

Well, how quickly things come to a head. My wife got on the computer and found this blog. While I had thought I cleared the history, she is better on these things than me.
After reading what I had typed it devistated her. I never at any point ment for her to read this but she did and there is nothing I can do about it now. Like I said above, she is a good good woman. She couldn't understand how I couldn't come to her a talk about this issue (my feelings being gone for so long). BUt I could type to complete strangers. All I was looking for on here was if there was someone who might have had close to the same issues and what did they do, that all. I told her I had no clue how to start that conversation and I didn't want to hurt her in anyway. To see her cry has always and still does crush me. She didn't do anything wrong. She did what a good woman does and then some. She went above and beyond but the problem was in me. The one thing in life you can't control is your feelings. I tried, God knows I tried but it just wasn't there. She is going to see a lawyer in the morning. 
Is this the right thing? For our kids, no. For her, probably no. For me, it will remain to be seen.


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## draconis

I guess your choice has been made for you. Next time make sure to get ccleaner and ad-aware for your computer, they are both free.

draconis


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## leftalone2

sounds to me like you have wanted out of this marriage for a very long time. It's a shame you could not talk to her about this or go to help from a counselor.


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## voivod

AndHereIAm said:


> Well, how quickly things come to a head. My wife got on the computer and found this blog. While I had thought I cleared the history, she is better on these things than me.
> After reading what I had typed it devistated her. I never at any point ment for her to read this but she did and there is nothing I can do about it now. Like I said above, she is a good good woman. She couldn't understand how I couldn't come to her a talk about this issue (my feelings being gone for so long). BUt I could type to complete strangers. All I was looking for on here was if there was someone who might have had close to the same issues and what did they do, that all. I told her I had no clue how to start that conversation and I didn't want to hurt her in anyway. To see her cry has always and still does crush me. She didn't do anything wrong. She did what a good woman does and then some. She went above and beyond but the problem was in me. The one thing in life you can't control is your feelings. I tried, God knows I tried but it just wasn't there. She is going to see a lawyer in the morning.
> Is this the right thing? For our kids, no. For her, probably no. For me, it will remain to be seen.


okay, so now she knows. does it hurt you to have hurt her this way? she had to find out on a computer monitor? take care of that girl. what more can you ask out of someone than to love you. apparently by your own admission, she has done a pretty good job of it.


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## leftalone2

I haven't seen you post since your wife found out. I sat here thinking, Do You want to work on the marriage or is this your ticket out. Since you say she had no idea don't you think you should give her a chance? In reading if you are still thinking only go back if you are in it for real and not just to keep from going under due to money situations after support is given to your family.:scratchhead:


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## voivod

leftalone2 said:


> I haven't seen you post since your wife found out. I sat here thinking, Do You want to work on the marriage or is this your ticket out. Since you say she had no idea don't you think you should give her a chance? In reading if you are still thinking only go back if you are in it for real and not just to keep from going under due to money situations after support is given to your family.:scratchhead:


:iagree:sounds/looks like the wife who found the post decided to respond to the post


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## leftalone2

No But I know both of them and she has given him lots of chances and kept comming back even when he said some horrible things about her and what she should do. She has cried lots to friends because of problems in the past.


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## voivod

leftalone2 said:


> No But I know both of them and she has given him lots of chances and kept comming back even when he said some horrible things about her and what she should do. She has cried lots to friends because of problems in the past.


scoundrel! come clean andhereiam! you can't be honest with us OR your wife, you can't be honest with yourself. wow!


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## AndHereIAm

leftalone2 said:


> No But I know both of them and she has given him lots of chances and kept comming back even when he said some horrible things about her and what she should do. She has cried lots to friends because of problems in the past.


 To whom ever this is above. There are two sides to every story. Ask her if she was happy in the marriage. She has given me lots of chances and kept coming back???? First off, she never left. (Two sides to every story) Second, am I perfect, no and I never claimed to be. Is she perfect, no. In fights over the last 13 years were things said that were hurtful, of corse. Did she say things to me that were hurtful, yes. Thats what makes them fights. Now, I didn't mean for her to read the blog. And to be on the outside its easy to say, "why didn't you just sit down and talk about it?" Really ask yourself that when the topic is going to be, "Hey honey I don't think I love you anymore." There is no time in a marriage when that is an easy topic. She said she was happy during our marriage. With all these hurtful things the above person says I said, she was happy. Seems to me that if I was and am such a piece of sh!t @$$hole that she would be turning backflips right now. 

I didn't try to fall out of love. I wasn't looking too fall out of love. It just happened. But during that time I kept her happy. Is she a good woman, YES. I never said she wasn't. She's no saint either though. If there is a person posting on here then some hurtful things have been said at some point in your marriage. You tell me to go back and work on it. I worked on it for over 9 years and I would have worked on it till I died with her never knowing how I felt as long as she was happy. But once it came out, I was not going to lie about how I felt. If I went back she would never believe me if I said I love you, held her hand or anything like that. I wasn't cold or mean to her. Were things said over 13 years, yes. I was never abbusive in any way. We would have 2 maybe 3 fights in a year,if that. Most, most, were over the same topic and had nothing to do with this. I never cheated or ran around. I might go out with my friends twice a year. I just fell out of love. It does happen. 
Oh, one last thing. The above person mentioned that I said some horrible things and what she should change or do. On what i would have liked her to do, that fight took place almost 9 years ago and none of or anything like that has left my mouth since (due to reaction and it didn't start out as a fight. Thus in recalling that how could I bring up my main issue within myself) And horrible things said, 2 fights maybe 3 during our marriage that you would be able to to say that "horrible things" were said.


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## tryingtolive

Hello,

This is the wife that found the post. I am sorry about my friend logging in if in any way it hurt anyone. I wish there was anything I could do to save this marriage, however he made it clear that he has been gone for so long now. He is a good father and I still love him very much. But a marriage can not work if only one person is willing to keep trying. Thank you to all who offererd to blog to help. He was gone before he hit send.


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## voivod

tryingtolive said:


> Hello,
> 
> This is the wife that found the post. I am sorry about my friend logging in if in any way it hurt anyone. I wish there was anything I could do to save this marriage, however he made it clear that he has been gone for so long now. He is a good father and I still love him very much. But a marriage can not work if only one person is willing to keep trying. Thank you to all who offererd to blog to help. He was gone before he hit send.


he was gone of his on volition? or you decided you did not want to try anymore. because if you still love him, you really do own it to yourself to try and salvage it. i think his attitude is deplorable. he describes you as quite a good wife. could you guys sit down and reason with one another? try, please. and please continue to update us.

i, for one, would also like to hear your side of the story.


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## tryingtolive

voivod said:


> he was gone of his on volition? or you decided you did not want to try anymore. because if you still love him, you really do own it to yourself to try and salvage it. i think his attitude is deplorable. he describes you as quite a good wife. could you guys sit down and reason with one another? try, please. and please continue to update us.
> 
> i, for one, would also like to hear your side of the story.


I offered to try. I ask him if he wanted to work on the marriage with counseling that I would pay for so he would not be out any money. I have just started a 2nd job and that is how I was going to try to help. He told me he was good and he was gone. Would I try Yes, did I try yes. I love him but there is no room in his heart for me and he has made that choice without giving me a chance to try to save this marriage.


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## skinman

voivod said:


> i'm sure there are several guys here who have given til it (literally) hurts in their relationship that would trade you positions. you say your wife has "given her all" for the marriage, "accepts you for you" and is a "good good woman." sound like she's a pretty good gal. all 5 foot and 175 pounds of her.
> 
> i guess i'm lucky because my wife is 5'6", 120lbs and knockout gorgeous. oh, wait, we're separated. sucks to be me.


like Voivod said......... I would trade places with you anyday.. I have been separated for a month and its been the hardest thing i have ever done.. as you I gave all for my wife and kids...in the support, household duties and child rearing... Sadly I didn't really listen to my wife... I heard her but never really listened and now look where I am.... I am broken and miserable for the things I could have done different but wasnt given the chance.........

so Yes i would trade places in a minute.......


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## draconis

tryingtolive said:


> I offered to try. I ask him if he wanted to work on the marriage with counseling that I would pay for so he would not be out any money. I have just started a 2nd job and that is how I was going to try to help. He told me he was good and he was gone. Would I try Yes, did I try yes. I love him but there is no room in his heart for me and he has made that choice without giving me a chance to try to save this marriage.


We are here if YOU need us.

draconis


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## tryingtolive

draconis said:


> I guess your choice has been made for you. Next time make sure to get ccleaner and ad-aware for your computer, they are both free.
> 
> draconis


He made the choice. I was and I am still willing to work to save the marriage. 13 years is too long to throw out the door. Also just to let ya'll know he said he is filing this morning. 

Thanks ya'll for the help you gave him, at least now he is happy and free.


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## MarkTwain

AndHereIAm-

It is not too late. If you want to start loving your wife you can, love is a verb as I recently read.

However hard that might be, the sexual attraction part is easy. There is a simple trick you can do that will make you very horny for her.

I can tell you more, but first you need to talk to her and decide if the two of you want to work on it. The fact that you have not said a word to her about your feelings all these years is terrible - Were you expecting her to be telepathic?


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## voivod

tryingtolive said:


> He made the choice. I was and I am still willing to work to save the marriage. 13 years is too long to throw out the door. Also just to let ya'll know he said he is filing this morning.
> 
> Thanks ya'll for the help you gave him, at least now he is happy and free.


if he is filing, he's doing nothing more than running from himself. his troubles are still with him.


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## tryingtolive

He said he has tried for years. However he tried without telling me. He stated he has no love for me and there is nothing we can try to do to save the marriage. 

Thank ya'll for being here.


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## voivod

tryingtolive said:


> He said he has tried for years. However he tried without telling me. He stated he has no love for me and there is nothing we can try to do to save the marriage.
> 
> Thank ya'll for being here.


tried in secret. that's crap. he kept the most problematic things about your relationship from you, and he calls that trying? nope.


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## draconis

To babd that he would throw it all away without trying to fix it. His problems will follow him into his next relationship. If you want what is best look at yourself now, start to work on self improvement for yourself.

draconis


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## MarkTwain

tryingtolive-

Assuming that this thread is not made up...

If you had not discovered this thread, your hubby might have got some good advice here and turned things round. There is still a hope, but you'll have to be smart.


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## tryingtolive

MarkTwain said:


> tryingtolive-
> 
> Assuming that this thread is not made up...
> 
> If you had not discovered this thread, your hubby might have got some good advice here and turned things round. There is still a hope, but you'll have to be smart.


nothing that I have said is made up or a lie. I am not perfect by no means but neither was he. Love is not perfect but when it is a lie for years it tears your heart out.

Now I have to work on me because I feel lowere than low at this time. Still wondering what I did wrong to deserve this.


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## tryingtolive

If you had not discovered this thread, your hubby might have got some good advice here and turned things round. There is still a hope, but you'll have to be smart.

to this I wanted to say that he has stated there is no feelings for me at all. There is no hope at all. He was not getting the advice he wanted. He wanted someone to tell him that he should leave. He stated when he left the lawyers office today he was excited. Does that sound like someone who was looking to save anything?


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## draconis

tryingtolive said:


> nothing that I have said is made up or a lie. I am not perfect by no means but neither was he. Love is not perfect but when it is a lie for years it tears your heart out.
> 
> Now I have to work on me because I feel lowere than low at this time. Still wondering what I did wrong to deserve this.



Don't think of it as you did something wrong. People change and others can't/will not invest into a relationship. The more you invest the more you desire it. For whatever his reason is, isn't just you. I would have wanted to give it one more try. Working on yourself is a healthy thing. You'll feel better (the chemical release in your body), your'll look better, and it is a great stress reliever too.

draconis


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## MarkTwain

tryingtolive-

It's still not too late. You can work on yourself from this minute onwards, and you can wait for the right time to approach him, if you still want him.


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## tryingtolive

MarkTwain said:


> tryingtolive-
> 
> It's still not too late. You can work on yourself from this minute onwards, and you can wait for the right time to approach him, if you still want him.


I have worked on myself. If you are referring to my weight he is off by 42 pounds. Every time I do all the material and little things he mentioned he got mad at the money I spent. I gave him everything I could and then some. He wants out and this was his way out. When we try to talk he clentches his teeth and talks in a mean tone. I am not always going to be a cheerful, happy go lucky person when I work 5 days a week, come home to cook, do laundrey, and home work with the children. Changes I have made and you see where it has gotten me.


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## MarkTwain

tryingtolive said:


> I have worked on myself. If you are referring to my weight he is off by 42 pounds.


I am talking about beginning a life time's work. The best people a work in progress. It's not something that ever ends.


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## tryingtolive

MarkTwain said:


> I am talking about beginning a life time's work. The best people a work in progress. It's not something that ever ends.


sorry everyone else hase been talking about me making physical changes. I have to find who I am now because my life was my family.


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## AndHereIAm

tryingtolive said:


> I have worked on myself. If you are referring to my weight he is off by 42 pounds. Every time I do all the material and little things he mentioned he got mad at the money I spent. I gave him everything I could and then some. He wants out and this was his way out. When we try to talk he clentches his teeth and talks in a mean tone. I am not always going to be a cheerful, happy go lucky person when I work 5 days a week, come home to cook, do laundrey, and home work with the children. Changes I have made and you see where it has gotten me.


 Now I am not going to argue with my wife in blogs online. We have talked everyday since this came out. Real quick though, did I get mad about money being spent, a couple of times yes. But, when the money isn't there at that time or it is needed for a bill or something then some of it gets spent then yes I got mad. The only thing I ever asked her to around the house was laundrey and just pick up after herself. Cooking for a long time was both of us. I have slacked on that but what she mentions here is over the last year or so (been married over 13). Now in keeping things on a level playing surface my chores were, dusting, vaccuming, picking up the house, cleaning the bath rooms ,the yard and work a 12hr swing shift. Now I'm not going to act like this is even the issue because its not. It has nothing to with it. 

It doesn't matter what anyone on here thinks or what advice anyone gives. The decision is made my one person. Once she found this blog then I could not and would not lie anymore about my feelings. She left out something very important above (another entry). She said I left the lawyers office happy the other day. I did and I told her why but she didn't include that. That was left for you to fill in on your on. The reason I left happy was because I was told that she would get half of my 401K. She could cash it out or role it over. If she cashes it out she can pay off all the dept she will have. I was so glad to here that. That is going to make life easier on her. If either one of us is in a bad way financially it will effect the kids. I do not want her to be in any kind of a bad and never have. I was happy because she was not going to have to worry about having enough money. Am I wrong for being happy about that?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? See if the whole story isn't told then people are left to add in what they think. If something is left out it makes the other look like a complete d!ck. 

So one more time I will tell the truth about what my problem is and has been.
I fell out of love with my wife. Did it help that we both changed from what we were 13 years ago, no but I have never expected her to be who she was at 22. I wasn't trying to fall out and it didn't just happen all at once but it happened. It hurts her and thats why I could have never told her. I thought when if first started that it was just a rut from being married for 3 or 4 years. Then the kids came along (greatest thing to ever happen and I would not change that for anything in this world). I was still having those feeling inside but I have a family to take care of now so I pushed those feelings down. I guess 4 maybe 5 years ago I accepted what I was feeling. I had known if for a while longer but I kept looking. What I was looking for was love within me for the woman I was married to. I couldn't find it. It wasn't anything she did or didn't do. I wasn't going to leave though. I said till death do us part and I ment that. So I kept it pushed down as best I could. I changed me and I knew that but I couldn't tell her what it was. Now I asked this before with no response from the "all knowing perfect marriage people here". How do you tell your spouse that has done nothing wrong (NOTHING worth divorcing over) that you don't love them anymore??? Now really think about that. If you know in your heart that that is true but you would rather die then hurt them like that. How do you tell them?!?!?!? All I know is once she figured out this was me and read it. I could not lie about how I felt. I would not lie about how I felt. I can't go back to pretending like that any more. It was killing me. So I'm the @$$ for not wanting to hurt my wifes feelings. I could have approached it differently for those that would have done it another way. But your not me and I'm not you. It's not fair to either of us for me to go back. I don't want to miss a second of my kids lives. But I was dying inside and all I did was fall out of love.


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## draconis

To Both of you, 

I would say at this point the issue is out and divorce will happen. However, instead of this going down hill remember you started as friends. Even after a mariage ends you can still be nice to each other. Trust me it will make a positive effect on your kids.

AndHereIAm ~ 
Your question " How do you tell your spouse that has done nothing wrong (NOTHING worth divorcing over) that you don't love them anymore??? " Is no longer valid. Maybe you wanted to be caught. Maybe it just happened this way. But why throw stuff in peoples faces that tried to help you?

You alone have decided the fate of the whole family. Sometimes that happens. It would be hard to go back now I am sure. I hope you can remain civil for your childrens sake. I get along with my ex-wife and we do functions for our son together, it was hard at first but we figured out a way. 

One thing I hope you do work on in your next relationship is communication. It seems you and your wife had a disconnect and you accepted it.

tryingtolive ~
Working on yourself doesn't just have to be physical, it can be going back to school or any other dream you have. It can be taking up a hobby.

You mentioned that he was a good father. I hope when all this gets resolved you remember that, and honor his fatherhood.

**********************************************
Best wishes to both of you.

draconis


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## AndHereIAm

draconis said:


> To Both of you,
> 
> I would say at this point the issue is out and divorce will happen. However, instead of this going down hill remember you started as friends. Even after a mariage ends you can still be nice to each other. Trust me it will make a positive effect on your kids.
> 
> AndHereIAm ~
> Your question " How do you tell your spouse that has done nothing wrong (NOTHING worth divorcing over) that you don't love them anymore??? " Is no longer valid. Maybe you wanted to be caught. Maybe it just happened this way. But why throw stuff in peoples faces that tried to help you?
> 
> You alone have decided the fate of the whole family. Sometimes that happens. It would be hard to go back now I am sure. I hope you can remain civil for your childrens sake. I get along with my ex-wife and we do functions for our son together, it was hard at first but we figured out a way.
> 
> One thing I hope you do work on in your next relationship is communication. It seems you and your wife had a disconnect and you accepted it.
> 
> tryingtolive ~
> Working on yourself doesn't just have to be physical, it can be going back to school or any other dream you have. It can be taking up a hobby.
> 
> You mentioned that he was a good father. I hope when all this gets resolved you remember that, and honor his fatherhood.
> 
> **********************************************
> Best wishes to both of you.
> 
> draconis


 I wasn't trying to get caught. And it seems that some of the responses on here were passing judgement. As far as us being civil, thats all I have been trying to do. I do believe we will. I have asked her to because it is so much easier on the kids. My parents divorced when I was 5 and they got along well enough. I do appreicate the advice but sometimes thinking long and hard or counsuling is not the answer. If one's heart is not in it, its not going to work.


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## AndHereIAm

One more thing.

Dranconis
You said my question was no longer valid. I wasn't asking it again to see what to do. I just asking it. There are others out there with the same issue. So I'm asking you. If you were knowing what you know now. And you decided you were going to sit down and tell her. How would you do that? I understand when you say its no longer valid. But reguardless, how do you tell that??


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## tryingtolive

I can help you with one question. When the wife asks you what is wrong you could start by saying I am having feelings about this marriage and need to talk to someone or I don't think my heart is in this anymore rather than wait nine years and 2 kids. That would have been better for me.

To all of ya'll I do still love him and he is and always will be my life. This was so out of left field I still feel the majortity of the problem was with me since he never said otherwise. But I will one day move on right now I have to take care of my 2 kids who don't need to be hurt during all of this. I could write things I did in the marriage but it does not matter because for him to be able to move on he needs to believe I did nothing as he said in his last blog.


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## MarkTwain

tryingtolive said:


> When the wife asks you what is wrong you could start by saying I am having feelings about this marriage and need to talk to someone or I don't think my heart is in this anymore rather than wait nine years and 2 kids. That would have been better for me.


Yes, you are correct. Deep down, he will have his EXACT reasons, but it seems he can't consciously access them. At some level I expect he _is _annoyed with you, but he can't own up to it.


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## draconis

AndHereIAm said:


> One more thing.
> 
> Dranconis
> You said my question was no longer valid. I wasn't asking it again to see what to do. I just asking it. There are others out there with the same issue. So I'm asking you. If you were knowing what you know now. And you decided you were going to sit down and tell her. How would you do that? I understand when you say its no longer valid. But reguardless, how do you tell that??


Direct with tactfulness.

Let them know that it isn't their fault. That you will be willing to give it one more honest try to see if things can be reversed. That you want to stay friends, atleast for the children.

draconis


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## tryingtolive

draconis said:


> Direct with tactfulness.
> 
> Let them know that it isn't their fault. That you will be willing to give it one more honest try to see if things can be reversed. That you want to stay friends, atleast for the children.
> 
> draconis


That is the problem, since I did not know that we had a problem I could not help him work on our problem. He said he has nothing for me. He wants to be friends for the children but I feel cheated not being able to even try.


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## draconis

tryingtolive said:


> That is the problem, since I did not know that we had a problem I could not help him work on our problem. He said he has nothing for me. He wants to be friends for the children but I feel cheated not being able to even try.


Trust me it is better for the children and yourself if the two of you are friends than if the two of you hate each other. This is a guy you expressed love for. Love is from friendship, can't you do this for the kids sake?

draconis


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## tryingtolive

i am being nice for the kids sake. I have never been anything but nice. I was nice when he said horrible things when I got pregnent with my daughter and my son. I was nice when he raised his voice and talked to me like a dog when he didn't get his way or have extra money to spend on himself. All I have ever asked is for him to tell me what was wrong or what he needed. All he had to do was sleep on his days off and when he worked come in and play with the kids because I would get them after work and cook dinner no matter if he was home or at work. So Yes I will be nice, that is all I have ever been.


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## skus

I know that it is painful. I myself am in the same situation. My husband and I have one child a two year old and another one on the way in a few weeks. I am just not attracted to him anymore, and I don't think that I ever really was. And even the smallest things seem to irritate me any more. My parents go divorced when I was 5 and I had a one year old little brother, and it was a very bad divorce. I too don't want to put my kids through that, but I also don't want my children to see me constantly unhappy. Believe me, my two year old daughter can tell that something is wrong because she is always trying to give me her favorite toys, and tells me "It's ok mommy." It tears me apart, I thought that my pain was well hidden, but to those who really know us, there is no hidding it. The only thing that is constantly running through my head is that at this point I would rather have my children be up-set with the fact that their parents aren't together, than to have them have memmories of their childhood including my personal sadness. They will get over the divorce eventually, I was 23 when I finally came to terms with my parents divorce. But looking back at it, I know now that I would much rather have my parents be happy apart, then misserable together. Especially if the only reason they kept up an unhappy marriage for me and my brother. I hope that this helps. Everyday I change my mind about what I want to do with my situation, but deep down I know what must be done. The most important thing is that you try very hard to maintain a good friendship with your wife through it all, that will be the most important to the kids is to see mom and dad getting along, and happy.


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## tryingtolive

This is my last post. We will be filling for divorce tomorrow. He wants it all done before Christmas. Thank all of ya'll for being there for him something I guess I could never do.


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## draconis

Remember, you to can rant, vent and ask advice here. We are here for you too.

draconis


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## voivod

tryingtolive said:


> This is my last post. We will be filling for divorce tomorrow. He wants it all done before Christmas. Thank all of ya'll for being there for him something I guess I could never do.


have your own attorney. they know all the terminology..."alienation of affection" etc.


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## AndHereIAm

skus said:


> I know that it is painful. I myself am in the same situation. My husband and I have one child a two year old and another one on the way in a few weeks. I am just not attracted to him anymore, and I don't think that I ever really was. And even the smallest things seem to irritate me any more. My parents go divorced when I was 5 and I had a one year old little brother, and it was a very bad divorce. I too don't want to put my kids through that, but I also don't want my children to see me constantly unhappy. Believe me, my two year old daughter can tell that something is wrong because she is always trying to give me her favorite toys, and tells me "It's ok mommy." It tears me apart, I thought that my pain was well hidden, but to those who really know us, there is no hidding it. The only thing that is constantly running through my head is that at this point I would rather have my children be up-set with the fact that their parents aren't together, than to have them have memmories of their childhood including my personal sadness. They will get over the divorce eventually, I was 23 when I finally came to terms with my parents divorce. But looking back at it, I know now that I would much rather have my parents be happy apart, then misserable together. Especially if the only reason they kept up an unhappy marriage for me and my brother. I hope that this helps. Everyday I change my mind about what I want to do with my situation, but deep down I know what must be done. The most important thing is that you try very hard to maintain a good friendship with your wife through it all, that will be the most important to the kids is to see mom and dad getting along, and happy.


That is a good post. Thank you


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## tryingtolive

Ok I know I said the last post was my last but I need to say something to the person who wrote it would be better for the kids to see two parents happy. Both of my children thought we had a happy family, and both of them are confused about how this can happen in a happy family. So if we had been fighting or other signs of of a not happy marraige I would agree. But when someone lies to you and is happy then all of the sudden they don't like you or want to live with you how do you think that effects the children. I was willing to work on the marriage and do anything that it took to keep the family happy and together. I guess I was wrong for trying to be nice all this time. I guess this is my punishment for being nice all this time.


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## tryingtolive

I went to a lawyer today and started the process. I think this is going to kill me. I can't help it but I still love him. Does this pain ever go away? I am trying to be strong for my children but all I want to do is curl up and wish the world away. Any help or advise on how to get my spirits back up since my family was all I ever wanted?
Thanks


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## draconis

Yes the pain will go away with time.

draconis


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## tryingtolive

well I guess your right the pain is going away. I just found out a lot of stuff that he has not been truethful about. Shock!!!!! Why is it if you don't love someone you blame them and say you were just trying to make them happy. If you are not happy and stepping out just tell them and leave. Don't let them ruin their life trying to figure out what they are doing wrong not being able to please them. A lie is A lie no matter what excuse you put with it or for it. Talk about a horrible christmas gift, this divorce is the worst ever.AndhereIam have a merry christmas.....


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## MarkTwain

tryingtolive-

Try to look on the bright side. You can start again rebuilding your life. You have learned a valuable lesson about communication, and the it within marriage. When the next relationship comes along, and I am sure it will, you will never allow things to drift again. I always try to take my wife's "emotional temperature" on things if I am not sure if she is on board with what ever I am doing. Sometimes I get it wrong.

There is every possibility that you will have a bright new year. I think this is actually the best time to get it out of the way. Christmas is always a strain for most families anyhow...


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## tryingtolive

MarkTwain said:


> tryingtolive-
> 
> Try to look on the bright side. You can start again rebuilding your life. You have learned a valuable lesson about communication, and the it within marriage. When the next relationship comes along, and I am sure it will, you will never allow things to drift again. I always try to take my wife's "emotional temperature" on things if I am not sure if she is on board with what ever I am doing. Sometimes I get it wrong.
> 
> There is every possibility that you will have a bright new year. I think this is actually the best time to get it out of the way. Christmas is always a strain for most families anyhow...


I know but I was trying to communicate during the entire marriage. Being lied to hurts and make me feel like a fool for all I have done and tried to do to make him happy.


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## MarkTwain

tryingtolive said:


> I know but I was trying to communicate during the entire marriage.


Communication is not communication unless it is successful. But I know what you mean. It's easier with some people than with others.


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## draconis

tryingtolive said:


> I know but I was trying to communicate during the entire marriage. Being lied to hurts and make me feel like a fool for all I have done and tried to do to make him happy.


Don't be, you did what was right and will need to be open like that in the next relationship you have. I am sure there are issues you can work on improving, but can't we all. Just don't judge the next relationship based on this one.

draconis


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## stumped

tryingtolive said:


> I know but I was trying to communicate during the entire marriage. Being lied to hurts and make me feel like a fool for all I have done and tried to do to make him happy.


I feel the same exact way you do. My husband and I were together for 10 years married for 7. When he hit me with the "Im unhappy" he was already done. He told me he had been unhappy for 4 years and had been trying to "fix it" all on his own. So I completely understand where you are coming from. We dont have any children thank goodness. Our friends were all just as dumbfound as I was because everyone thought we had the perfect marriage and even told me how envious of us they were. We never fought, we got along great, spent alot of time together. I think he thought the grass was greener on the other side and he has found that it wasnt. I can tell you this it WILL get easier! You will realize you deserve to be with someone that WANTS to be with you and that you are better off without him. It will take time but it will happen I promise!

Good luck =)


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## tryingtolive

Thank you all for your support. I am not looking forward to being alone. I will be very careful IF I ever do start to date again due to my children. My daughter has already cried and said she knows daddy will date but does not want me to. I know I will have to work harder the next time on communication and now trust. Trying to get better everyday and stay strong for my children. My heart has figured out he is not comming back so now its just getting through the paperwork.


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