# How to handle feelings for a man who is not your husband.



## mena1387

Hello, looking for a little advice. I have just gotten married this year. My husband and I have recently been through a lot together because we lost a baby in Feb. to SIDS. After that we got married. I started a new job after our son passed and I work with a guy who I have developed feelings for! Have any of you ladies had any experience with this? How did you handle your feelings? Obviously, I don't want to cheat on my husband, but I see this guy almost every day and the feelings grow stronger and stronger. I don't know what to do with myself and I haven't told any one because I feel so ashamed, but I can't help my feelings. Thanks for reading.


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## Shiksa

Are you in counseling? If not, this may be a good place to find out why you are having feelings for him. Losing your son is devastating, and can have effects on areas of your life you haven't considered. I am so sorry for your loss.


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## jfv

Tell your husband so you don't have to deal with it on your own. Plus, it shows him that you have no intention of doing anything behind his back. Hopefully this remains the case. Do whatever you need to do to get away from this guy. I agree with the counseling as well but face it as a couple. Do not keep this to yourself, it will not end well.


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## chiben

Why do you have feelings for this guy and what kind of feelings? Is it physical or emotional? Is he nicer than your husband or better looking or more caring ... ? Or are you missing things with your husband? There must be something.


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## Miss Taken

You have undergone a major trauma with the loss of your son and a major life change by getting married all in the same year. I think the wisest thing for you to do would be to go to individual counseling to process both. 

Your infatuation with the other man might not be infatuation at all. Either way, you need to figure out what it is and sort out your feelings about grief and marriage. I'm not sure if I would tell the husband right now about those feelings. It might arise undue stress/worry where there shouldn't be any and cause more drama than needed. 

However, I would definitely distance myself from the work friend. You're playing with fire and this will not end well. Go to counseling and find out if you're misappropriating your feelings due to everything else you've endured. That is really a lot to go through and I really hate that for you. As a mom, I couldn't imagine the pain.

You could be using your attraction to someone else as a cover/distraction from the pain of the loss as well as from the concerns about your marriage (anyone has concerns about marriage - especially in the first year! and you've had both a tragedy and a new marriage). I'd tackle the pain first, any marriage issues second but all the while, protecting the marriage by keeping my distance from the other guy. 

The other guy is fantasy. You might be infatuated but it's not real. I think the other issues are far more important and need to be addressed now.


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## WorkingOnMe

You're not going to like the real answer. In fact you're going to resist with everything you've got. But there's only one way forward. I'll let someone else tell you because I don't like being ignored. But prepare yourself. Cause like I said, you're not going to like it.


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## Jonesey

mena1387 said:


> Hello, looking for a little advice. I have just gotten married this year. My husband and I have recently been through a lot together because we lost a baby in Feb. to SIDS. After that we got married. I started a new job after our son passed and I work with a guy who I have developed feelings for! Have any of you ladies had any experience with this? How did you handle your feelings? Obviously, I don't want to cheat on my husband, but I see this guy almost every day and the feelings grow stronger and stronger. I don't know what to do with myself and I haven't told any one because I feel so ashamed, but I can't help my feelings. Thanks for reading.


Easy. QUIT your job. you haven't worked there for very long time..Does the guy know all this,your feelings?


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## Writer

I am very sorry for your loss. I can not imagine what you are going through right now.

I think you should do several things.

Get some IC, form a support system, and don't forget that your husband is likely grieving, also.

The easiest way to handle this is to quit your job. As you see the man more, your feelings will grow. You have just started working, and you can find another job.

Also, revert all your attention to your husband. Feel like talking to the other guy, text your husband. Talk to him about your feelings. Don't shut each other out.

Yes. I have experienced having feelings for another man. It grew into an EA. I, then, had to basically humble myself and block all forms of contact with my affair partner.


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## TheHappyGuy

The same thing happened to my wife. She fell in love with a work colleague shortly after she started a new job. There wasn't anything wrong with our relationship or me, it just happened. 

Anyway, she told me after a few months when she realised her feelings for this other guy wouldn't go away/ grew stronger. As they shared an office, she saw more of him than of me. I was very upset but didn't directly blame her as I knew she did not ask for being in that situation. We agreed on having an open relationship. I allowed her to satisfy her sexual appetite for the guy and in return hoped that she'd get over him and wouldn't leave me. I would have had the opportunity to play around with other women as I pleased.

Now, more than two years down the track we dismissed the open relationship idea but the whole episode made our relationship honest, stronger and trusting. Nothing happened by the way as the other man was not interested or didn't want to cheat on his partners. That was my win. 

The upshot is that you should tell your partner and work through it together. If your relationship doesn't survive it wasn't meant to be. 

Another good solution is to make sure you don't see this man again. This would most likely involve changing jobs. 

Good luck.


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## Maricha75

1. Tell your husband about these feelings.
2. Quit your job to get away from this OM.
3. Get into counseling, both independent AND marriage... plus, you need to get grief counseling if you haven't already. 

I can't even imagine how it feels to lose a child, much less one so young. I always feared that with my children. I am so sorry for your loss. I suspect that, though you married, you drifted apart, dealing with the loss of your son in your own ways? It's tough trying to go through such a traumatic event alone. 

I suspect the reason you mentioned your son's death in the OP was because you felt alone while you have grieved? The OM is merely a distraction from the reality of your life. You and your husband need to work through this together. Does the OM know how you feel? Have you talked extensively with him about your life, your son, your marriage?


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## mena1387

I do feel like this guy understands me more than my husband does most times. My husband and I have been together since I was young. Quitting is not an option. I am contractually obligated to stay where I am. My work friend does not know how I feel. I hadn't planned on telling him for fear that I may open some doors I wished I hadn't. I did feel very alone when I grieved for my son. My husband doesn't do emotional stuff very well. I didn't feel very well supported by him.


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## chiben

mena1387 said:


> I do feel like this guy understands me more than my husband does most times. My husband and I have been together since I was young. Quitting is not an option. I am contractually obligated to stay where I am. My work friend does not know how I feel. I hadn't planned on telling him for fear that I may open some doors I wished I hadn't. I did feel very alone when I grieved for my son. My husband doesn't do emotional stuff very well. I didn't feel very well supported by him.


You need to talk to him and tell him what you need from him. Otherwise you will be pulled to this other guy.


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## Wazza

Maricha75 said:


> 1. Tell your husband about these feelings.
> 2. Quit your job to get away from this OM.
> 3. Get into counseling, both independent AND marriage... plus, you need to get grief counseling if you haven't already.


The perfect summary. You need to do this. All of this.

Alternately, divorce your husband and then, only then, chase the new guy. It will hurt him much less than cheating on him.



mena1387 said:


> I see this guy almost every day and the feelings grow stronger and stronger. I don't know what to do with myself and I haven't told any one because I feel so ashamed, but I can't help my feelings.


You are unable to control this problem, and it's getting worse, by your own admission. So don't kid yourself that you just have to be strong. 



mena1387 said:


> I do feel like this guy understands me more than my husband does most times. My husband and I have been together since I was young.


Big red flag, but probably an illusion. The other guy is a fantasy, your husband is reality. You are already in affair territory with this kind of thinking.



mena1387 said:


> Quitting is not an option. I am contractually obligated to stay where I am.


What are the penalties for early termination of contract? Which contract is worth more, your work contract or your marriage contract?



mena1387 said:


> My husband doesn't do emotional stuff very well. I didn't feel very well supported by him.


Are you sure you have given him the chance? My wife said the same thing about me when she launched into her affair. Trouble is, she didn't talk to me about her feelings. Worse, she told me everything was ok when it wasn't, and hated me because I believed her. It took her many years after that to admit her responsibility.


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## Writer

mena1387 said:


> I do feel like this guy understands me more than my husband does most times. My husband and I have been together since I was young. Quitting is not an option. I am contractually obligated to stay where I am. My work friend does not know how I feel. I hadn't planned on telling him for fear that I may open some doors I wished I hadn't. I did feel very alone when I grieved for my son. My husband doesn't do emotional stuff very well. I didn't feel very well supported by him.


You need to communicate this with your husband. Tell him what it is that you need from him. The longer you keep this from your husband, the closer you will get to the other guy.

Also, please remember that just like you are grieving, your husband is grieving, also. Please do not be too hard on him.


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## Goldmember357

you tell your husband and you just train yourself to do away with those thoughts. The human mind is capable of a lot


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## Jonesey

I know I'm going to come a cross as one giant cold-hearted SOB

but honestly is not my intention




mena1387 said:


> *I do feel like this guy understands me more than my husband does most times*. Men usually are like that when they wanna go to bed with a married woman *My husband and I have been together since I was young.*And you point with that would be? *Quitting is not an option. I am contractually obligated to stay where I am.* Fair enough.*My work friend does not know how I feel.* Believe me he knows. hence he is so understanding *I hadn't planned on telling him for fear that I may open some doors I wished I hadn't*. Sorry you have already open that door.Its just a matter of time before naked time happens.*I did feel very alone when I grieved for my son.* And you honor him in your grief this way? Thats the scary part.. i didn't take long before you develop feelings of another man..another men should not even be on your radar.During your grief process.*My husband doesn't do emotional stuff very well. *Thats greg blame husband. He might grief in the way he only know´s how.* I didn't feel very well supported by him.* Are you sure he felt supported by you?
> 
> 
> Ever thought losing a child is as difficult for a man to.Its not like it comes with a manuel..


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## jfv

mena1387 said:


> I do feel like this guy understands me more than my husband does most times. My husband and I have been together since I was young. Quitting is not an option. I am contractually obligated to stay where I am. My work friend does not know how I feel. I hadn't planned on telling him for fear that I may open some doors I wished I hadn't. I did feel very alone when I grieved for my son. My husband doesn't do emotional stuff very well. I didn't feel very well supported by him.


Remember this guy has the luxury of not grieving the loss of a child so he can be completely 'available' to you emotionally or at least seem like it. That is NOT fair to your husband. Also, It is easy for me to be 'understanding' with women whose lives I don't have a stake in and or thinking of sleeping with. All I do is nod and rephrase what ever it is they just said and it looks like I'm in agreement even when I'm not. What else am I gonna do? So I just let them vent. That makes me seem VERY understanding. My point is it certainly does not mean that I know her or care for her more than her husband or boyfriend. Please do what has been suggested by myself and others. Do not complicate your life any further and do not add to your husband's pain. Good luck


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## Caribbean Man

He is trying to get into your pants.
You think you won't cheat on your husband,but he has already seduced your mind. You already feel helpless.
Your body is next.
*JUST SAY NO.........*

If you cannot and you respect your marriage, then 
Find another job.


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## Wazza

Caribbean Man said:


> He is trying to get into your pants.
> You think you won't cheat on your husband,but he has already seduced your mind. You already feel helpless.
> Your body is next.
> *JUST SAY NO.........*
> 
> If you cannot and you respect your marriage, then
> Find another job.


Women are so good at emotional intelligence. Why are so many easy to sucker in with these sorts of games?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFEH

mena1387 said:


> I do feel like this guy understands me more than my husband does most times. My husband and I have been together since I was young. Quitting is not an option. I am contractually obligated to stay where I am. My work friend does not know how I feel. I hadn't planned on telling him for fear that I may open some doors I wished I hadn't. I* did feel very alone when I grieved for my son. My husband doesn't do emotional stuff very well. I didn't feel very well supported by him.*


It is through life’s trials and tribulations (TTs) that we learn and grow. Or at least I think the wise use their TTs to learn and grow.

There’s not much more of a TT than the death of a son or a daughter. It is a known fact that this particular TT either makes the marriage deeper and stronger or it wrenches it apart.

Your H didn’t give you the emotional connection and support you needed and so you are drawn to someone who does. In effect your H failed you in your time of emotional need. I know that feeling, it is as though you are invisible and of little value.

But what can you do? First of all be very aware that you are exceptionally vulnerable and treat with a great deal of scepticism any man who offers you his support. Listen to the men who advise you to (a) work with a grief counsellor and (b) work with your husband on your marriage.


With the latter go to MC with your husband. When there tell the MC that you need your H to learn how to give you emotional support. Because without his emotional support, most especially in your times of deep need, you will always feel somewhat invisible and of little value to him and you will forever be vulnerable to the advances of other men.


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## Caribbean Man

Wazza said:


> Women are so good at emotional intelligence. Why are so many easy to sucker in with these sorts of games?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is easier to lie to oneself than to
FACE THE TRUTH

It applies to both men and women.


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## Tall Average Guy

mena1387 said:


> I do feel like this guy understands me more than my husband does most times. My husband and I have been together since I was young. Quitting is not an option. I am contractually obligated to stay where I am. My work friend does not know how I feel. I hadn't planned on telling him for fear that I may open some doors I wished I hadn't. I did feel very alone when I grieved for my son. My husband doesn't do emotional stuff very well. I didn't feel very well supported by him.


Remember that your husband suffered a loss just as devostating as you did. He too lost a child. If you were in a car crash and each broke your legs, you would not critize him for not getting you your meal while you were healing after the accident. 

Recognize that you are both hurt and may not have been able to help the other out. Get into counseling, both individual and marriage. Get away from the other man and clear your head. Figure out if the issues you have with your husband are accurate.


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## COguy

Do not fall into the trap of Hollywood and be convinced that you can't control your feelings towards other people.

You are a WILLING participant in fantasizing of this man at your work. Your feelings are getting stronger because you are opening yourself up emotionally to him. You are choosing to share private information with him. You are choosing to be comforted by him. You are choosing to listen to him "support and encourage" you.

You have the choice to keep your relationship business. You have the choice to tell your husband what's going on. You have the choice to stop this before you end up as a cheater.

Is it hard? Yes. But that is why it is much easier not to put yourself in the position to start with. As a married woman you should not be sharing your feelings with other men. Do not put yourself in a situation where this is even possible. And make sure you are being open and honest with your husband about your needs. He may have no idea he isn't satisfying you emotionally.

Act like a big girl, do the responsible and caring thing. Continuing down your path is an incredibly selfish thing to do, the pain you will inflict on yourself and husband is enormous and you can't come back from that. Stop doing what feels good and start doing what is right.

If you don't feel like you're strong enough to do this, PM me your husband's email and I will let him know what's going on. That will end all of your concerns.


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## Miss Taken

mena1387 said:


> I do feel like this guy understands me more than my husband does most times. My husband and I have been together since I was young. Quitting is not an option. I am contractually obligated to stay where I am. My work friend does not know how I feel. I hadn't planned on telling him for fear that I may open some doors I wished I hadn't. I did feel very alone when I grieved for my son. My husband doesn't do emotional stuff very well. I didn't feel very well supported by him.





chiben said:


> You need to talk to him and tell him what you need from him. Otherwise you will be pulled to this other guy.


:iagree:
*Please, listen to this! ^*



Writer said:


> You need to communicate this with your husband. Tell him what it is that you need from him. The longer you keep this from your husband, the closer you will get to the other guy.
> 
> Also, please remember that just like you are grieving, your husband is grieving, also. Please do not be too hard on him.


*And this! ^* :iagree:

You are feeling let down by your husband’s lack of emotional support – especially after the loss your child. The other guy may appear to understand you more but he doesn’t. Logically, who better to know you and understand you than the man you’ve loved and been with since you were young? This interloper or your husband? It’s your husband of course! But no, your husband is not perfect and can’t read your mind or predict your every need – you need to communicate!

You need to tell your husband about how you feel about the marriage and the loss of your baby and how you needed/still need his help to get you through it but PLEASE remember, your husband is also grieving and men cope with things in different ways –quite often by withdrawing and turning in on themselves. As much as you’d have liked him to support you in XYZ of a fashion, he acted like/did ABC and it’s not his fault – especially if you didn’t tell him what you needed from him to help you through the pain. 

This is why grief counseling/individual counseling is also such a good idea. You need to process this, not turn away from your husband right now over a distraction. It’s not healthy. Also, holding in your feelings of disappointment/feelings of emotional abandonment over the way your husband reacted to your grief is also not healthy and it will only lead to resentment. You need to talk to him about that but do remember, two parents lost a child and two lovers got married in the same year. He is more likely than not, hurting too, lonely too, and scared too.  

Keep away from the other man while you are at work. What you feel for him is not real and much of it is created by you/made up so to speak. It’s an illusion and it’s only hurting you and your marriage. Everyone is charming, handsome, sensitive, thoughtful, kind, attractive, well mannered etc. in your own mind at the beginning of an infatuation but it’s not real. We see what we want to see. He’s perfect right now because it’s a fantasy and you’re using him to avoid the very real trauma and changes you’ve undergone this year. It needs to stop.


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## Tall Average Guy

Miss Taken said:


> This is why grief counseling/individual counseling is also such a good idea. You need to process this, not turn away from your husband right now over a distraction. It’s not healthy. Also, holding in your feelings of disappointment/feelings of emotional abandonment over the way your husband reacted to your grief is also not healthy and it will only lead to resentment. You need to talk to him about that but do remember, two parents lost a child and two lovers got married in the same year. He is more likely than not, hurting too, lonely too, and scared too.


Friends of my parents lost a son about ten years ago (he was about 15 or so). Their counselor told them that in these situations, spouses all to often *cannot* provide the emotional support, because they are also suffering a loss. In fact, it is good to get that support from others, because too often the spouses pull each other down into depression. When one is feeling good, they can be pulled down by the other one seeking emotional support. This leads to no good days, which are necessary for healing. Further, when a spouse can't take the pain away, they can be blamed for not doing enough.

I don't know whether the OP's husband failed her. I do know this is different than other situations, such as when my wife's father passed away. While that hurt, I recognized that her hurt was much greater. I needed and could be there for her because I was not effected in the same way. Losing a child is different.


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## costa200

Damn... The heck with it... I'm going to say it! 



> I have just gotten married this year.


Less than a year and you're already starting up this crap? You are falling heels over head over a guy just after you lost a baby...

I pity your husband... Talk about a guy down on his luck. 

Tell you what, you should tell your husband all of this you have shared here with us and give him the possibility to decide if he wants to handle your drama or jump ship from a highly unstable relationship that has barely left the shipyard. Only decent thing you can do right now really...


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## Dad&Hubby

Tall Average Guy said:


> Remember that your husband suffered a loss just as devostating as you did. He too lost a child. If you were in a car crash and each broke your legs, you would not critize him for not getting you your meal while you were healing after the accident.
> 
> Recognize that you are both hurt and may not have been able to help the other out. Get into counseling, both individual and marriage. Get away from the other man and clear your head. Figure out if the issues you have with your husband are accurate.


THIS! THIS! BIG TIME THIS!

I cannot DREAM of what it's like for a mother to lose a child. I see how much my wife loves our 4 year old and know that if anything happened to him, I'd lose him and my wife. But, I'd be the same way.

The problem with these situations is that in order to grieve something so powerful, you have to be selfish. You can't think about anyone else because it takes everything in you to wake up the next day. Don't judge him in saying he wasn't there for you. He lost a child too, he remained your husband, you're still together today....He was there for you as much as a father could be.

To put it in perspective. My exwife (yes I'm remarried in case you're wondering about the above statement) got pregnant 6 weeks after my oldest son was born (which was a HORRIBLE pregnancy). There were SERIOUS concerns about the health of the second child so she had an abortion. I supported her decision, but I still tear up today (15 years later) if I think about it. I can not even listen to the Live song "Lightning Crashes" (not the exact same topic but close and it reminds me of the situation). My ex wasn't phased by it one bit, so yes, the impact of the loss of a child shouldn't be minimized towards the father.

You need to BOTH go for grief counseling and marriage counseling. And do whatever you have to do in order to drop these feelings. I would bet you don't even TRULY feel this way, but it's one of your minds way of coping with the loss.


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## Jugger

mena1387 said:


> I do feel like this guy understands me more than my husband does most times. My husband and I have been together since I was young. Quitting is not an option. I am contractually obligated to stay where I am. My work friend does not know how I feel. I hadn't planned on telling him for fear that I may open some doors I wished I hadn't. I did feel very alone when I grieved for my son. My husband doesn't do emotional stuff very well. I didn't feel very well supported by him.


Im sorry for your lose i couldnt imagine losing a child. I wonder how you are directing your wishes to be emotionally supportive, not that you dont deserve what you want in that department. But others have mentioned that your husband is very likely greiving as well. If youre trying to open him up, and he wont, then stop doing that, instead i would suggest to initiate some alone time. Even if its watching TV, just simply snuggle up next to him and hug. He must know that you are greiving as well and perhapse this will spark something. Also consider re-committing to each other, what did you guys do when you first started dating? Are there any places that have important significance to your relationship(that make you warm and fuzzy)? If so find the time to go there. You might find that this recommitment will help your marriage and maybe make those feeling of the other man go away. Also go to counciling.


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## Caribbean Man

costa200 said:


> Damn... The heck with it... I'm going to say it!
> 
> 
> 
> *Less than a year and you're already starting up this crap? You are falling heels over head over a guy just after you lost a baby...*
> 
> I pity your husband... Talk about a guy down on his luck.
> 
> Tell you what, you should tell your husband all of this you have shared here with us and give him the possibility to decide if he wants to handle your drama or jump ship from a highly unstable relationship that has barely left the shipyard. Only decent thing you can do right now really...


:iagree:

Thanks for saying it Costa!
I would have said it,
But I bit my tongue.
Didn't want to come across as a " misogynist " in the ladies lounge.......


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## costa200

Caribbean Man said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Thanks for saying it Costa!
> I would have said it,
> But I bit my tongue.
> Didn't want to come across as a " misogynist " in the ladies lounge.......


Meh... If it was a guy i would probably be harsher, so what fancy word do we have for that?


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## COguy

costa200 said:


> Meh... If it was a guy i would probably be harsher, so what fancy word do we have for that?


misandry

or to be more specific, "Wang-hatin"


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## Caribbean Man

costa200 said:


> Meh... If it was a guy i would probably be harsher, so what fancy word do we have for that?


Honesty.


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## Miss Taken

Tall Average Guy said:


> Friends of my parents lost a son about ten years ago (he was about 15 or so). Their counselor told them that in these situations, spouses all to often *cannot* provide the emotional support, because they are also suffering a loss. In fact, it is good to get that support from others, because too often the spouses pull each other down into depression. When one is feeling good, they can be pulled down by the other one seeking emotional support. This leads to no good days, which are necessary for healing. Further, when a spouse can't take the pain away, they can be blamed for not doing enough.
> 
> I don't know whether the OP's husband failed her. I do know this is different than other situations, such as when my wife's father passed away. While that hurt, I recognized that her hurt was much greater. I needed and could be there for her because I was not effected in the same way. Losing a child is different.


I agree with you. They're both suffering the tragedy so it's unrealistic to expect him to be able to give her everything she needs in terms or emotional support when he most likely desperately needs it too. A third-party to help her through this process is definitely needed but NOT ANOTHER MAN!!! Counseling, friends and support from family members who are more removed from this situation/the grief and loss are where to go.


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## Jonesey

Caribbean Man said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Thanks for saying it Costa!
> I would have said it,
> But I bit my tongue.
> Didn't want to come across as a " misogynist " in the ladies lounge.......


You know what makes my blood boil. Is the fact that she 
uses her "Morning and driving" As an excuse for all of this.

Her son´s tragic death.. Its sick.. When this is typical and classical case of attraction.. Sheeesh shame on you mean


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## mena1387

I'm not sick. And I'm not using our son's death as an excuse for anything. I'm new to marriage and asking for advice before anything gets out of control. I have supported my husband to the best of my ability, but he tells me he doesn't need the support. I ask him what he wants from me and he tells me nothing. Sometimes I feel like I am more upset about his death than my husband is, but I know that that's not the case. The last time I tried to talk with my husband about our son, he told me that I should be getting aver it already since it's been more than 6 months and that I should see a therapist. So that's what I started doing, but it doesn't make me feel any better that I don't feel like I can even be upset about my son when I am around my husband. I think it's more clear to me now that I am simply fantasizing about this guy. It wasn't clear to me until reading some of the helpful posts that maybe I am making this guy out to be something that I want my husband to be. I think I will suggest marriage counseling to my husband, because sometimes I feel like I want to talk about my feelings all the time to him and it just irritates him. Maybe an objective third party could help us sort this stuff out better. Thanks to all who gave me helpful advice.


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## bkaydezz

emotional feelings is an EA. that is cheating.

if you are both expressng your feelings together i still is one.

do you feel like the loss has trn you two apart?
That is something very serious that needs alot of attnetion and work on in the relationship.


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## JuliaP

I had similar feelings for a male friend years ago while I was married. I went to IC and figured out why it was happening. I never said anything to H or the OM- and the feelings dissipated on their own. In fact, I think of OM and feel sick to my stomach I ever felt sexual towards him. I never acted on it. I notice whenever I am unhappy in my marriage, I start to fantasize about other men. 

You and H are both grieving and handling it in different ways. His is apparently to shove all of his emotions in a drawer and pretend they are not there. You talking about it, brings it up, and makes it difficult for him once again. Believe me, he is still grieving and trying very hard to be strong so that you see him as a strong man. It sounds like he is scared to open up around you- not saying its you, most likely his upbringing. 

Since you need openness now more than ever, you found someone to fill that exact need and are having all these feelings that are making you think you should be with this OM. They will pass. 

And you are not cheating! Temporary emotional attachments can happen to anyone at a moment of loss or emotional turmoil. See your fantasy guy for what he is, a fantasy. It doesn't have to be more than that.


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## mena1387

Thanks. I know. I didn't think I was cheating, I can't help my emotions and I'm here trying to get some advice about how to correctly deal with this. I think some of these dudes are a little harsh. I have never told OM how I feel, I have never even touched him beyond shaking his hand when we first met. But I think I will tell my husband that I have these feelings and what I need from him. It's hard because like people have been saying, we are both grieving. I am trying to get what I need from him and he is trying to get what he needs from me but they aren't the same thing apparently, and we are on different pages. I think I have been fantasizing about this guy because he listens to me, even when I am upset, which is something I don't think he has the patience for. Or maybe I haven't stressed to my husband it's importance enough.


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## bkaydezz

JuliaP said:


> I had similar feelings for a male friend years ago while I was married. I went to IC and figured out why it was happening. I never said anything to H or the OM- and the feelings dissipated on their own. In fact, I think of OM and feel sick to my stomach I ever felt sexual towards him. I never acted on it. I notice whenever I am unhappy in my marriage, I start to fantasize about other men.
> 
> You and H are both grieving and handling it in different ways. His is apparently to shove all of his emotions in a drawer and pretend they are not there. You talking about it, brings it up, and makes it difficult for him once again. Believe me, he is still grieving and trying very hard to be strong so that you see him as a strong man. It sounds like he is scared to open up around you- not saying its you, most likely his upbringing.
> 
> Since you need openness now more than ever, you found someone to fill that exact need and are having all these feelings that are making you think you should be with this OM. They will pass.
> 
> And you are not cheating! Temporary emotional attachments can happen to anyone at a moment of loss or emotional turmoil. See your fantasy guy for what he is, a fantasy. It doesn't have to be more than that.


Im so astounded that a temporary emoional attachment is what you would call it. ive never had a fantasy about another man in my relationship or fantasized over another one, when you do that it is considered cheating. if yo DEVELOP emotionl feeings towards another man that is NOT your spouse it is an EMOTIONAL AFFAIR.

Go to yor husband and tell hm hat yuare fantasizing about another man and see if he responds to you with an "ok thats completely normal". Im intrested in fiding out what he would think about that.


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## Paulination

TheHappyGuy said:


> Nothing happened by the way as the other man was not interested or didn't want to cheat on his partners. That was my win.


I don't see that as a win. I see it as not losing so bad. I could never knowingly allow my wife to give herself to someone else sexually or emotionally. But, If you can make it work, good for you.


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## Tall Average Guy

mena1387 said:


> Thanks. I know. I didn't think I was cheating, I can't help my emotions and I'm here trying to get some advice about how to correctly deal with this. I think some of these dudes are a little harsh. I have never told OM how I feel, I have never even touched him beyond shaking his hand when we first met. *But I think I will tell my husband that I have these feelings and what I need from him.* It's hard because like people have been saying, we are both grieving. I am trying to get what I need from him and he is trying to get what he needs from me but they aren't the same thing apparently, and we are on different pages. I think I have been fantasizing about this guy because he listens to me, even when I am upset, which is something I don't think he has the patience for. Or maybe I haven't stressed to my husband it's importance enough.


But he may not be able to give it to you right now. Asking him to change his coping may take real time and effort. Also, consider how the message may be received - you are asking him (and be careful because it might come across as a threat) to change who he is in the midst of your shared tragedy so that you won't continue your inappropriate thoughts on the new guy in the office. No matter how carefully you phrase things, there is a real danger in how he receives the message.

Which is why counseling is needed. A third party to help you two deal with your grief and improve communication.


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## AFEH

mena1387 said:


> Thanks. I know. I didn't think I was cheating, I can't help my emotions and I'm here trying to get some advice about how to correctly deal with this. I think some of these dudes are a little harsh. I have never told OM how I feel, I have never even touched him beyond shaking his hand when we first met. But I think I will tell my husband that I have these feelings and what I need from him. It's hard because like people have been saying, we are both grieving. I am trying to get what I need from him and he is trying to get what he needs from me but they aren't the same thing apparently, and we are on different pages. I think I have been fantasizing about this guy because he listens to me, even when I am upset, which is something I don't think he has the patience for. Or maybe I haven't stressed to my husband it's importance enough.


Different types of people handle their emotions in exceedingly different ways. There are those who handle their emotions within themselves. They don’t feel the need for “outside support and help”. I think in the main “they suppress rather than express” their emotions. It’s something they “deal with” as if it’s no business of any other person, including their spouse.

Then there is the other type. This second type need to express their emotions to others, how they feel, in order to work their way through them. I believe the former to be the introverted type of person and the latter the extrovert.

I think in some ways the type that handle their emotions by themselves somewhat look down on those who do express their emotions and consider such people as “emotionally weak and needy”. That they should “just get over it” or “deal with it”.

Marriage is usually between opposite types of people, the extrovert marries the introvert type of thing and come together to form a whole in order to raise a family. Unfortunately it’s at times like these that their opposite natures can work against them instead of for them.


Emotional support is a massive thing within a marriage and without it the marriage can sure be a lonely place at times. Most especially in times of need. In some ways you need to help your husband to help you, take the lead where he is lacking in doing so. “Get over it” is perhaps the worse thing that can be said to a person who is grieving.



So get yourselves along to an MC and with their help, help your husband to help you. This is a very testing time for you both and he rather needs to step up to the plate and help you out. So in a way you will be fitness testing him for the future. You can read a lot into how he responds to your request for him to go to MC with you.


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## AFEH

You sound quite young and as such you may not know the stages of grief. A read of the following may help you understand what you are going through and the significance of it.

The Five Stages of Grief - Elisabeth Kübler-Ross & David Kessler | Grief.com ~ David Kessler
7 STAGES OF GRIEF
THE STAGES OF GRIEF
Grief & Depression Coping With Denial, Loss, Anger and More

Grieving the loss of a child is probably the most difficult and deeply emotional journey you’ll ever undertake.


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## Writer

mena1387 said:


> I'm not sick. And I'm not using our son's death as an excuse for anything. I'm new to marriage and asking for advice before anything gets out of control.


I don't think you are sick. I think you are on the verge of making a mistake. Marriage in itself is hard work. We need to turn to our spouses as our means of support. Other people will infect the marriage if you talk to them about your problems. You are new to marriage, and, to be honest, for you to be having feelings for another man this early, does not bode well.



> * I have supported my husband to the best of my ability*, but he tells me he doesn't need the support. *I ask him what he wants from me* and he tells me nothing. Sometimes *I feel like I am more upset about his death than my husband is*, but I know that that's not the case. The last time I tried to talk with my husband about our son, he told me that I should be getting aver it already since it's been more than 6 months and that I should see a therapist. So that's what I started doing, but it doesn't make me feel any better that I don't feel like I can even be upset about my son when I am around my husband.


The parts that I bolded are contradictory. As I said, and I am a big supporter of men's rights and their grieving process, everyone grieves differently. My great uncle died a month ago. While it was nice for my husband to take the time off from work, I didn't show it. I never shed a single tear for my uncle. However, it doesn't mean that I didn't feel. Be careful when it comes to comparing your grief with another's. Not every processes events the same. 

I am glad that you are getting help for your loss. IC, especially grief counseling, will be invaluable. Yes, it is not fair for your husband to act like you need to get over it. You need to communicate your feelings with him. If that doesn't work, then you need to go to MC. 




> I think it's more clear to me now that I am simply fantasizing about this guy. It wasn't clear to me until reading some of the helpful posts that maybe I am making this guy out to be something that I want my husband to be. I think I will suggest marriage counseling to my husband, because sometimes I feel like I want to talk about my feelings all the time to him and it just irritates him. Maybe an objective third party could help us sort this stuff out better. Thanks to all who gave me helpful advice.


Fantasying about this guy is a slippery slope. With your loss clouding your judgement, it is even more so. Get into MC with your husband. You will need each other's help in this trying time.


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## Maricha75

bkaydezz said:


> Im so astounded that a temporary emoional attachment is what you would call it. ive never had a fantasy about another man in my relationship or fantasized over another one, when you do that it is considered cheating.* if yo DEVELOP emotionl feeings towards another man that is NOT your spouse it is an EMOTIONAL AFFAIR.*
> 
> Go to yor husband and tell hm hat yuare fantasizing about another man and see if he responds to you with an "ok thats completely normal". Im intrested in fiding out what he would think about that.


:iagree::iagree:

"temporary emotional attachment" sounds, to me, like trying to downplay an emotional affair.

@JuliaP, I, too only fantasized about other men at low points/unhappy times in my marriage. They were male friends. I had, what you term a "temporary emotional attachment"... as I said, it's a downplay of the true term... and emotional affair. That term makes me believe someone doesn't want to admit to cheating. I suspect if the spouse knew, he would be livid and most DEFINITELY say it isn't normal.

@mena, it is difficult to get over the loss of a child. I never lost a child, but had a miscarriage. I managed to get pregnant right away after and delivered a healthy child. Even during my second pregnancy, I worried I wouldn't carry to term. During the miscarriage, I grieved the loss. My husband consoled me as best he could, but he didn't really "get it". People grieve in different ways. Some shove the feelings away, some hold onto them for a long time. I suspect your husband telling you to, essentially, get over it, is because he hates seeing you so unhappy. He is powerless to fix it. It CAN'T be fixed. And he has no idea how to handle that. Mena, you will ALWAYS remember your son. Any other children you have, you will tell them about their big brother. I don't think your husband is being deliberately cruel to you... I think he just doesn't understand how YOU feel. And that's where grief counseling and marriage counseling comes in.

I do think you need to tell your husband about these feelings for the OM. Think of this as a wake up call for both of you.


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## mena1387

I am new to marriage, but my husband and I have been together for 6 years. We just didn't get married until after our son passed. Thanks to everyone. I feel a lot better now that I have let these feelings out and heard some people's experiences and opinions. I will talk to my husband about marriage counseling, and I'll try not to make myself open to support from this guy at work. I feel like I just needed that other perspective on why I felt attracted to him. I think I am turning these negative feelings I have about my husband into this attraction, just because the other guy and I get along. I don't know I am incredibly confused in my life in general and it's clear to me know that I need help.


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## jfv

Very good conclusions. I sincerely hope everything works out for you. Good luck mena


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## marriedwithkids1

i do think you need grief and or marriage counseling. I know allot of people that repressed their feelings and or failed to grieve properly. There is alot written on the topic. 

good luck


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## mel123

grief counseling, work in another area of the company , transfer or break your contract, get out NOW. Breaking the contract will be costly, but you are going to pay a higher price if you stay.


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## Jellybeans

Stay away from him


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## Tall Average Guy

mena1387 said:


> I am new to marriage, but my husband and I have been together for 6 years. We just didn't get married until after our son passed. Thanks to everyone. I feel a lot better now that I have let these feelings out and heard some people's experiences and opinions. I will talk to my husband about marriage counseling, and I'll try not to make myself open to support from this guy at work. I feel like I just needed that other perspective on why I felt attracted to him. I think I am turning these negative feelings I have about my husband into this attraction, just because the other guy and I get along. I don't know I am incredibly confused in my life in general and it's clear to me know that I need help.


This sounds great. Best of luck to you and your husband.


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## MaritimeGuy

Mena

I am sorry for your loss. I too happen to think some comments here were a little harsh. You've recognized there was something inappropriate developing with this guy at work and logged on here looking for advice. That is a huge step in the right direction. 

Like everyone else I see the relationship with the guy at work as a slippery slope. It could be as someone suggested he's a predator who's sensed what your missing and is providing it to get something in return. It could also just be he's a good guy and because of your stress at home is coming across as more appealing that he really is. Either way I believe it's dangerous to maintain anything beyond a professional relationship with him. You should stop discussing feelings or anything personal with him. If he truly is a decent guy he will understand. If he's a predator...good riddance. 

As you have already figured out on your own you need to work on the relationship with your husband without the distraction of this third party. 

I truly wish you the best of luck.


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## donny64

Just remember one thing about this guy at work....MOST guys appear to be GREAT listeners and appear to "get you" and "understand you"...when they're trying to get into your jeans. You won't find out if that's the case until it is too late, and after you've already gone too far. But odds are, at the end of it, he won't be such a "great listener". And you'll have cheated on your husband, and "Mr. Sunshine" will have turned into "Mr. Dark Clouds". 

Were I you, I would get into joint counseling with husband to address the issues around your son's death, your mourning, and his not communicating with you. You need to understand each other and right now you're not.

Then, I would tell your husband. He might react harshly at first, but in the end, you've done nothing wrong at this point, it has all been "in your head" and this may really shake up his world enough to realize it was "this close" to blowing up on him. Not saying it's his fault, but, if he loves you he'll try to work on things so you don't feel this way.

And, I'd quit the job. This guy is going to be a temptation to you. And while hopefully things improve in the future, I fear he could be the "penis under glass...break in case of emergency" for you should you hit a rough patch with hubby. Too easy, too available, and doesn't require time. Time you could use to evaluate everything before you take a leap off a cliff you really don't want to take. You're self aware enough now to know you're having a very tough time controlling this with the other man. Now be self aware enough to know you have to remove yourself from the situation.


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## JuliaP

bkaydezz said:


> Go to yor husband and tell hm hat yuare fantasizing about another man and see if he responds to you with an "ok thats completely normal". Im intrested in fiding out what he would think about that.


Why would anyone ever do that? Thinking blindly that "honesty is always the best policy" is so naive and indicative of living in a fantasy bubble. Yeah, tell your husband you have a crush (than you would NEVER act on) and make him go crazy with jealously. Good idea! Do you honestly think your husband/boyfriend NEVER had a crush on another woman? Should he have told you each time he had a crush? What would that have done to you? Should he tell you each time he looks at porn? Checks out a woman? Masturbates to your sister or best friend?

Understand that people are wired differently. Some of us NEVER ever think of another person in any sort of capacity. And some of us do. I have a friend who has been married 14 and claims to never ever fantasize about others. I as well as OP are just not wired that way. That does not make us bad, or cheaters, or less than you in any way. Crushes happen- it's what we do with them that counts.


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## Maricha75

JuliaP said:


> Why would anyone ever do that? Thinking blindly that "honesty is always the best policy" is so naive and indicative of living in a fantasy bubble. Yeah, tell your husband you have a crush (than you would NEVER act on) and make him go crazy with jealously. Good idea! Do you honestly think your husband/boyfriend NEVER had a crush on another woman? Should he have told you each time he had a crush? What would that have done to you? Should he tell you each time he looks at porn? Checks out a woman? Masturbates to your sister or best friend?


My husband knows about my fascination with certain mainstream actors. He calls them my "boyfriends"... I do the same with his fascination with one singer. Crushes? Maybe so. But none are attainable. And we don't fantasize about them. Believe what you want, but my husband is one of those men who is NOT wired the way you suggest. The only time my husband got pissed off about ANY so-called crushes I had were my EAs..and rightfully so! My husband, from the moment we became exclusive didn't have crushes on other women. HIS stance regarding ANY party outside our relationship was "flirting = cheating". HE stated it, I agreed. Checking someone out is not the same as becoming attached to them, whether emotionally of physically. My husband doesn't look at porn (again, don't care what you think, I know it to be true. That's all that matters.). Masturbate to my sister? LMAO!!! That's too funny. Seriously if you knew my sisters and my husband, you would know how ridiculous that idea is. And masturbate to my best friend? Do men masturbate to themselves? :scratchhead:

Your logic here is flawed. Sorry. Anytime I have heard people say such things, it was to justify their own actions. But, that's just my experience.



JuliaP said:


> Understand that people are wired differently. Some of us NEVER ever think of another person in any sort of capacity. And some of us do. I have a friend who has been married 14 and claims to never ever fantasize about others. I as well as OP are just not wired that way. That does not make us bad, or cheaters, or less than you in any way. Crushes happen- it's what we do with them that counts.


And, apparently, the OP isn't wired as you claim to be. If she were, she wouldn't suggest marriage counseling to her husband. She wouldn't have been receptive to the advice given. 

Again, In my 12 years of marriage, the only time I ever fantasized about someone else was at low points in my marriage...and I developed the unhealthy emotional attachments to other men... emotional affair.


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## sisters359

Probably someone else has said this, but it seems really obvious from an outside perspective that you have been in serious pain and the attraction to the other guy is b/c you are angry with your h for not grieving with and in the same way you did/do.

Your loss has been overwhelming, and it is no surprise at all that you find someone attractive after they have been able to offer comfort and support--the comfort and support your h could not offer b/c he had to grieve in his own way. 

Many, many marriages will fall apart if a child dies, b/c the different ways of grieving--and the very natural, although ill-placed, desire to blame someone for our loss often turns us against our spouse. 

Please do not make any decisions or moves until you have had some individual and marriage counseling to deal with the loss of your dear baby.

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you find comfort in the love and support of your family and friends. God bless.


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## JuliaP

Maricha75 said:


> My husband knows about my fascination with certain mainstream actors. He calls them my "boyfriends"... I do the same with his fascination with one singer. Crushes? Maybe so. But none are attainable. And we don't fantasize about them. Believe what you want, but my husband is one of those men who is NOT wired the way you suggest. The only time my husband got pissed off about ANY so-called crushes I had were my EAs..and rightfully so! My husband, from the moment we became exclusive didn't have crushes on other women. HIS stance regarding ANY party outside our relationship was "flirting = cheating". HE stated it, I agreed. Checking someone out is not the same as becoming attached to them, whether emotionally of physically. My husband doesn't look at porn (again, don't care what you think, I know it to be true. That's all that matters.). Masturbate to my sister? LMAO!!! That's too funny. Seriously if you knew my sisters and my husband, you would know how ridiculous that idea is. And masturbate to my best friend? Do men masturbate to themselves? :scratchhead:
> 
> Your logic here is flawed. Sorry. Anytime I have heard people say such things, it was to justify their own actions. But, that's just my experience.
> 
> 
> 
> And, apparently, the OP isn't wired as you claim to be. If she were, she wouldn't suggest marriage counseling to her husband. She wouldn't have been receptive to the advice given.
> 
> Again, In my 12 years of marriage, the only time I ever fantasized about someone else was at low points in my marriage...and I developed the unhealthy emotional attachments to other men... emotional affair.


Like I said, some of us are wired like your husband & you- Some of us are not. You are very naive about men! Most men, (NOT YOUR HUSBAND, SO RELAX) regularly fantasize about other women in their lives. Ask a couple men and see what they say. ( super religious men and your husband excluded)


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## MaritimeGuy

JuliaP said:


> Like I said, some of us are wired like your husband & you- Some of us are not. You are very naive about men! Most men, (NOT YOUR HUSBAND, SO RELAX) regularly fantasize about other women in their lives. Ask a couple men and see what they say. ( super religious men and your husband excluded)


I don't know any straight men who won't look at a super hot woman and imagine what it would be like to be with her.


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## tjohnson

Mena(OP)

sounds like you have made some good conclusions

I don't know the benefit of telling your H about your feelings toward this man but, perhaps I am missing something.

Get professional advise on the greiving as this is probably much of the problem. You could benefit from MC too. 

I would try and avoid this man as others have indicated. I also think you should cut your H some slack. He probably wants to have you "get over it" he want to "fix things" like we men do. He may be fixing when he should probably "listen" 

God bless you...I get freaked out when my kids get sick or hurt.


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## Maricha75

MaritimeGuy said:


> I don't know any straight men who won't look at a super hot woman and imagine what it would be like to be with her.


I can name several, but I'm done with the threadjack.


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## desperate44

I am currently trying to get over a very similar situation. I have been married for 23 years and never imagined that I would cheat on my husband. Trust me when I tell you I am feeling pain that I have never felt before. Not only feeling guilty and tormented but I fell in love with a man that will never be mine! Please Don't Go there! There can be NO good ending to it. I am now seperated, lonely, trying to piece my marriage back together while all I can think about is this other man who I truly believe is my soul mate is still with his wife. He ended things with me 8 days ago and while I think he will be back, I can't take the pain anymore.


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## Decorum

Imagine seeing your husband completely devastated, his masculinity damaged for years to come, his trust in you completely broken, his life completely broken and he is crying and angry, you look into his eyes and realize that you have caused the pain. An emmotional affar will do all of this, not to mention a physical affair. 

It will leave you permately conflicted and split in your heart and likely ruin another man and or marriage.

I admire you for gettig the help you need, I am so sorry for your loss.

Have you or you husbad ever read The Five Love Languages?

Ask you husband to read 

Married Man's Sex Life Primer (a book available on Amazon). 
MMSL is not about sex. It is entirely about male-female emotions , motivations, relationship, and biology, The sex is just a byproduct of all the above working properly. 


Please read some of the threads in the coping with infidelity section to help you resolve not to take your hert outside your marriage.
You sound like good person to me, please hang in there!


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## tonyarz

wow, very sorry for your loss. I totally understand what you mean about falling for a co worker. You see them more than your spouse and you start to develop feelings for the other person.


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## ScarletBegonias

desperate44 said:


> while all I can think about is this other man who I truly believe is my soul mate is still with his wife. He ended things with me 8 days ago and while I think he will be back, I can't take the pain anymore.


if that man was your soulmate,things wouldn't be the way they are now. This is not a movie. this is real life. You're obviously in the fog still and I hope you come out of it and ground yourself firmly in reality instead of staying in the land of star crossed lovers and soul mates...


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## anotherguy

"...because we lost a baby in Feb. to SIDS..."

Good grief. I'm so sorry. Just reading that makes me freaking anxious and weepy.


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## sinnister

I can't offer advice because I'm not a woman and have never experience the horrible loss you have but Feb was not that long ago. Imagine how your husband will feel when he finds out you love another man compounding the pain he feels about the loss of his child?

Seek help. Your feelings for this new guy may be a coping mechanism for your pain. Your husband reminds of your child..this guy doesn't etc.


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## FirstYearDown

Caribbean Man said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Thanks for saying it Costa!
> I would have said it,
> But I bit my tongue.
> Didn't want to come across as a " misogynist " in the ladies lounge.......


Well, I'm a woman and I don't see anything misogynistic about what Costa said. CM, why do you think you would come across as a man who hates women for believing something that makes sense? 

Whenever a man shows interest in me, I run the other way. After a promiscuous past, my body and my heart are only for my husband to enjoy. I respect our marriage, myself and my husband too much to entertain cheating. Even during our worst times, we draw closer to each other for comfort instead of looking outside the marriage.

Perhaps some grief counseling specifically for bereaved parents would be helpful for you and your husband. He could be very numb with pain and counseling could help him come in touch with his sadness. Weep together and mourn your loss. 

I have worked with men that I found very attractive. I kept my head down and busied myself with my tasks. I also made sure I was never alone with them and that the conversations were all business.


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## millers4691

very sad but you are the only one who can answer your questions the decision is yours you are the one who married him. if i were you i will be patient,compare my advantages and disadvantages if living him will be more of advantage to you then please walk and get a life with person that will appreciate you remember life is one, you are not coming again you only have this one chance to come to this world don't let anyone ruin it for you. but be very careful makes sure he doesn't hurt you.

Get Ex Back


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