# I'm engaged but also headed on the road to destruction. Need help



## matt414 (May 14, 2016)

I'm not sure if this is the proper place to post this but I'm hoping to get some advice from someone wiser than me. I got married to my wife at a very young age (20). The marriage lasted 10 years and gave us 2 sons. However, she cheated on me multiple times and I ended up divorcing her. During that 10 year marriage, I never cheated on her. Not even once. There were temptations but I never pursued them. I guess you can say that my now ex-wife got tired of me being the boring dad that's working his ass off and going to school full time so she went out to look for something different. I could never comprehend why someone would throw away a stable home life for meaningless sex but yet, here I am.

Anyway, that marriage is over. Now it's been 3 years and I feel that I've met the love of my life. This woman seems to be everything that I can ever want in a woman. She is attractive, very intelligent, and most importantly, she wants to start a family. This is big for me since my sons live with my ex-wife and I miss them so much. I see this new marriage as my chance to start over.

But there is a dark side to this. I proposed to her back in January and we are supposed to get married next January. Despite this, it seems that I can't get over this obsession with meeting new women. It's very common for me to to meet new women on Facebook and talk for hours on end. Often about topics that are inappropriate for someone in a relationship to talk about. I've also been a 2 dating websites where I'm constantly flirting, exchanging pictures, and chatting with other women. I haven't been physically intimate with anyone yet but I can see it getting there at some point. Based on what I've been reading on here, I'm definitely cheating. I feel guilty but at the same time, I don't know what's wrong with me. My fiancée is almost flawless, I can't think of one reason to call off this wedding but yet, I find myself being interested in other women besides her. I wish I could have found this forum back before I got divorced because it would have helped me with some decisions back then. Now, I'm looking for advice on how I can stop this cancerous behavior and focus on what I have before I lose it. I know it's only a matter of time before she finds out and I know she will be hurt. I know I have a good thing but yet, I want more. I would also like to know what makes a man know that he has the right woman and he is ready to settle down with her and only her for the rest of their lives. After being so loyal in my failed marriage before, sometimes I feel that maybe it's better to just be selfish in life and worry about my own pleasure since in the end, nice guys seem to finish last. Any advice would be appreciated.


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

I'd call off the wedding if I were you. Seems pretty clear that despite all that your fiancee brings to the table, you're not ready for marriage. You also might want to get yourself in to see a counselor to determine why you're not ready. Good luck.


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## btterflykisses (Apr 29, 2016)

Call it off before you ruin two lives and if you have kids even more. You are ready to remarry.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Please don't do this to her, she does not deserve this, look if you feel you need to sow more oats, fine but don't drag her into this....you need to be honest with her. Do the right thing


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Matt,

The sad thing is that your Ex-Wife has turned you into her.

At the very least make a full confession to your GF, tell her that you might never be
A suitable husband for anyone and allow her to move on. 

After doing that work on yourself a bit, if you didn’t expose the people your first wife
Cheated with do the OMWs a favor and inform them.

Tamat


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

like any kind of serious addiction, you can't lick it by yourself.

will power isn't enough, and it sounds like you don't even have the will power yet.

you are addicted my friend, and you are right.........eventually it will lead to disaster.

so bite it in the bud now. join a sexual addiction group or similar of like burdened people.

this does not make you necessarily (yet) an bad person. but, like anyone with a serious addiction, it's those
who take courageous steps to lick it that separate the men from the boys.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Sounds like you're afraid of commitment & getting hurt again. 
So you subconsciously do these things as a defensive/protection mechanism. 
You're mind is clearly telling you that you're not ready for marriage again.
How long have you been with your fiancée? 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Duiker (Jun 26, 2015)

You are struggling with some character issues.

Stop thinking of this woman as a commodity for all of her positive attributes and see her as a living, feeling human being.

The good news is that you can put a stop to this before the situation gets worse. Obviously it's weighing on your conscience, and that's far better than the typical cheater that rationalizes and justifis their actions to keep partaking in the guilt-free cake feast.

You need to come clean with her, break off the engagement and figure yourself out before you make those vows. 

It will hurt her, and she may hate you for it. But if you go through with the marriage and have children with her, the fallout will be exponentially worse.

Read Dr. George Simon's 10 commandments of character development. It's a good place to start.

Oh, and when you do figure yourself out, stay away from FB hookups.


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## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

You my friend have an addiction. Addictions normally cannot be cured until you hit rock bottom and in your case it will be when your second marriage ends in a train wreck. You need to call it off, let your current woman go, and work through your issues. The pain of losing her and then the nearly impossible task of trying to get her back should serve as your rock bottom.


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

niceguy28 said:


> You my friend have an addiction. Addictions normally cannot be cured until you hit rock bottom and in your case it will be when your second marriage ends in a train wreck. You need to call it off, let your current woman go, and work through your issues. The pain of losing her and then the nearly impossible task of trying to get her back should serve as your rock bottom.


pretty much this but not sure it's a legit "addiction". what you like is the chase, the thrill of finding someone new, pursuing, flirting, etc... it give you a high that keeps you going back for more.

get off the computer, get off social media. if you have the urge, call your girlfriend and chat with her (or have sex with her). if over the next few months you can't kick this, end the engagement.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What you need is to find a good therapist and delve into what's driving you, so you can sort it out. And you have to be honest with your fiance.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

I see you want to put yourself first and have fun. There is nothing wrong with you. You are marrying this woman for the wrong reasons, because you miss your children and want more? wrong reasons.

Let go of your fiancée, enjoy the single. You are clearly NOT ready for commitment again. 

You are doing wrong by being in a relationship and flirting with other women, break it off, so she can find someone else.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You aren't ready for marriage. You need to sow your oats. Let her go and be honest with her as to why. 

But please don't come back here in two years lamenting how you made a mistake and let the love of your life slip through your fingers.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

matt414 said:


> I'm not sure if this is the proper place to post this but I'm hoping to get some advice from someone wiser than me. I got married to my wife at a very young age (20). The marriage lasted 10 years and gave us 2 sons. However, she cheated on me multiple times and I ended up divorcing her. During that 10 year marriage, I never cheated on her. Not even once. There were temptations but I never pursued them. I guess you can say that my now ex-wife got tired of me being the boring dad that's working his ass off and going to school full time so she went out to look for something different. I could never comprehend why someone would throw away a stable home life for meaningless sex but yet, here I am.
> 
> Anyway, that marriage is over. Now it's been 3 years and I feel that I've met the love of my life. This woman seems to be everything that I can ever want in a woman. She is attractive, very intelligent, and most importantly, she wants to start a family. This is big for me since my sons live with my ex-wife and I miss them so much. I see this new marriage as my chance to start over.
> 
> But there is a dark side to this. I proposed to her back in January and we are supposed to get married next January. Despite this, it seems that I can't get over this obsession with meeting new women. It's very common for me to to meet new women on Facebook and talk for hours on end. Often about topics that are inappropriate for someone in a relationship to talk about. I've also been a 2 dating websites where I'm constantly flirting, exchanging pictures, and chatting with other women. I haven't been physically intimate with anyone yet but I can see it getting there at some point. Based on what I've been reading on here, I'm definitely cheating. I feel guilty but at the same time, I don't know what's wrong with me. My fiancée is almost flawless, I can't think of one reason to call off this wedding but yet, I find myself being interested in other women besides her. I wish I could have found this forum back before I got divorced because it would have helped me with some decisions back then. Now, I'm looking for advice on how I can stop this cancerous behavior and focus on what I have before I lose it. I know it's only a matter of time before she finds out and I know she will be hurt. I know I have a good thing but yet, I want more. I would also like to know what makes a man know that he has the right woman and he is ready to settle down with her and only her for the rest of their lives. After being so loyal in my failed marriage before, sometimes I feel that maybe it's better to just be selfish in life and worry about my own pleasure since in the end, nice guys seem to finish last. Any advice would be appreciated.


You need professional counselling. It's probable that you really never fully got over the number your wife did to you.

But we will be here for you, too.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

matt414 said:


> I'm not sure if this is the proper place to post this but I'm hoping to get some advice from someone wiser than me. I got married to my wife at a very young age (20). The marriage lasted 10 years and gave us 2 sons. However, she cheated on me multiple times and I ended up divorcing her. During that 10 year marriage, I never cheated on her. Not even once. There were temptations but I never pursued them. I guess you can say that my now ex-wife got tired of me being the boring dad that's working his ass off and going to school full time so she went out to look for something different. I could never comprehend why someone would throw away a stable home life for meaningless sex but yet, here I am.
> 
> Anyway, that marriage is over. Now it's been 3 years and I feel that I've met the love of my life. This woman seems to be everything that I can ever want in a woman. She is attractive, very intelligent, and most importantly, she wants to start a family. This is big for me since my sons live with my ex-wife and I miss them so much. I see this new marriage as my chance to start over.
> 
> But there is a dark side to this. I proposed to her back in January and we are supposed to get married next January. Despite this, it seems that I can't get over this obsession with meeting new women. It's very common for me to to meet new women on Facebook and talk for hours on end. Often about topics that are inappropriate for someone in a relationship to talk about. I've also been a 2 dating websites where I'm constantly flirting, exchanging pictures, and chatting with other women. I haven't been physically intimate with anyone yet but I can see it getting there at some point. Based on what I've been reading on here, I'm definitely cheating. I feel guilty but at the same time, I don't know what's wrong with me. My fiancée is almost flawless, I can't think of one reason to call off this wedding but yet, I find myself being interested in other women besides her. I wish I could have found this forum back before I got divorced because it would have helped me with some decisions back then. Now, I'm looking for advice on how I can stop this cancerous behavior and focus on what I have before I lose it. I know it's only a matter of time before she finds out and I know she will be hurt. I know I have a good thing but yet, I want more. I would also like to know what makes a man know that he has the right woman and he is ready to settle down with her and only her for the rest of their lives. After being so loyal in my failed marriage before, sometimes I feel that maybe it's better to just be selfish in life and worry about my own pleasure since in the end, nice guys seem to finish last. Any advice would be appreciated.



You guys got married very young. Probably too young for your ex wife. You were ready were as she was not. She thought by getting married and having kids that young would be great, but realistically, she was too young and not ready, so she cheated on you because she still wanted to party. She probably felt she missed out in the prime of her life.

Mrs.CuddleBug was also 20 when I married her. I was 25. She was looking for that guy to settle down with, still have a career, buy a place together, spend our lives together but still have her independence at the same time. She has her own car, cell, bank account "joint spousal" and credit card "joint spousal". When she wants to go out, she does. When she wants to buy something, she does. Mrs.CuddleBug is married to me but also independent at the same time and I think for today, this is critical to have a happy and successful marriage.

Now you've had some time to be single, enjoy it and like the freedom you never had. You met a new woman, she's perfect, she wants you, to get married and raise a family. Sounds great.

But since you got cheated on, and only now are healing, and starting to spread your wings, you are uncertain whether to settle down again and you like to check out other ladies.

I would say, stay single and don't marry this other woman and this time, be the one to hurt her, like your ex hurt you.

Or really think about this, the big long term picture and not meeting ladies for a few years.


What goes around comes around.

You married young, wife age 20, two kids = she was too young, bored at still wanted to party, cheated on you.

Today, you are wiser, you are ready to get married and so is this other older woman. She is not 20......

If it was me, I would get help, and make it work with your current woman. She sounds like a keeper and the one you should of got. If you pass on her, party, years later, you get nothing and no where......


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## matt414 (May 14, 2016)

CuddleBug said:


> You guys got married very young. Probably too young for your ex wife. You were ready were as she was not. She thought by getting married and having kids that young would be great, but realistically, she was too young and not ready, so she cheated on you because she still wanted to party. She probably felt she missed out in the prime of her life.
> 
> Mrs.CuddleBug was also 20 when I married her. I was 25. She was looking for that guy to settle down with, still have a career, buy a place together, spend our lives together but still have her independence at the same time. She has her own car, cell, bank account "joint spousal" and credit card "joint spousal". When she wants to go out, she does. When she wants to buy something, she does. Mrs.CuddleBug is married to me but also independent at the same time and I think for today, this is critical to have a happy and successful marriage.
> 
> ...


It's funny how you mention my ex wife missing her prime years because she said the same thing literally word for word. Even before I caught her cheating, she would talk about missing out on her prime years and dating different men. It pisses me off because I didn't force her to marry me. Now you're right about me. I think that deep down, I want to party, meet different women, and enjoy life for a bit. Just last year, I travelled to Paris, Ethiopia, and Bahrain. Honestly I couldn't control myself around the women that I was around. Maybe it's because I feel like I missed out on my prime years too? Who knows! It just hurts because I feel like I've found the one and there is no way I can convince her to wait for me for 5-10 years. In a perfect world, I just want to work, take a trip once a year to a place I haven't been, and continue to meet different women. I want to enjoy life and maybe settle back down when I'm around 40. I've been doing a lot of reading here and I feel really bad about how some members found their exes were cheating. I never want to put her through that so I will spend the next couple weeks soul searching. I will see a counselor and make a decision to either break up with her and live my dream or stay with her and live the life of a married man. She wants a minimum of 4 kids and while I'm not against the idea, I know my life will go back to how it was which was doing a 9 to 5 and coming home to chaos.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

matt414 said:


> It's funny how you mention my ex wife missing her prime years because she said the same thing literally word for word. Even before I caught her cheating, she would talk about missing out on her prime years and dating different men. It pisses me off because I didn't force her to marry me. Now you're right about me. I think that deep down, I want to party, meet different women, and enjoy life for a bit. Just last year, I travelled to Paris, Ethiopia, and Bahrain. Honestly I couldn't control myself around the women that I was around. Maybe it's because I feel like I missed out on my prime years too? Who knows! It just hurts because I feel like I've found the one and there is no way I can convince her to wait for me for 5-10 years. In a perfect world, I just want to work, take a trip once a year to a place I haven't been, and continue to meet different women. I want to enjoy life and maybe settle back down when I'm around 40. I've been doing a lot of reading here and I feel really bad about how some members found their exes were cheating. I never want to put her through that so I will spend the next couple weeks soul searching. I will see a counselor and make a decision to either break up with her and live my dream or stay with her and live the life of a married man. She wants a minimum of 4 kids and while I'm not against the idea, I know my life will go back to how it was which was doing a 9 to 5 and coming home to chaos.



That's the way people are today. Getting married and kids at 20+ years old just isn't happening.

I know I wasn't mentally ready until around 24 to 25 years old. Mrs.CuddleBug was the same at age 20 to 21. We both agreed why date for 5 years and go no where? So we got engaged and married in 6 months if I recall correctly. Never looked back. But I never pushed her to have kids. In fact, I supported her choice of being a career woman. Now she has her own car, cell, bank account and credit card and she is her own woman but also married. It works.

Your ex didn't know what she really wanted at age 20+ and she wasn't mature enough either. Not your fault.

Settling down at age 40? Too old. Get married well before then, both of you work, don't need kids, that's an option, and have your house upgraded and paid off in your early 40's, 100% focused on retirement and not worrying about money. That's exactly what Mrs.CuddleBug and I have done.

If I were you, get some counseling and get serious with this new woman. Then get married, buy a place and go from there. Since she is mature and older, she will see you for what you really are and not party and cheat like a 20+ year old. She will help you get through this and be there for you, the way the 20+ year old never was......don't pass up on this lady. I wouldn't.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

In addition to everything the others have said, I wanted to mention that it's great that you can recognize that this is a problem and that you want to change. That's the first step and it's huge. I think you need to see a counselor to figure out what is driving this behavior, and to develop healthy coping mechanisms/tools/behaviors as well as healthy boundaries to protect you, your fiance, and your relationship.

Sent from my VS986 using Tapatalk


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)




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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

matt414 said:


> It's funny how you mention my ex wife missing her prime years because she said the same thing literally word for word. Even before I caught her cheating, she would talk about missing out on her prime years and dating different men. It pisses me off because I didn't force her to marry me. Now you're right about me. I think that deep down, I want to party, meet different women, and enjoy life for a bit. Just last year, I travelled to Paris, Ethiopia, and Bahrain. Honestly I couldn't control myself around the women that I was around. Maybe it's because I feel like I missed out on my prime years too? Who knows! It just hurts because I feel like I've found the one and there is no way I can convince her to wait for me for 5-10 years. In a perfect world, I just want to work, take a trip once a year to a place I haven't been, and continue to meet different women. I want to enjoy life and maybe settle back down when I'm around 40. I've been doing a lot of reading here and I feel really bad about how some members found their exes were cheating. I never want to put her through that so I will spend the next couple weeks soul searching. I will see a counselor and make a decision to either break up with her and live my dream or stay with her and live the life of a married man. She wants a minimum of 4 kids and while I'm not against the idea, I know my life will go back to how it was which was doing a 9 to 5 and coming home to chaos.


You could be trying to punish your ex-wife.

Stop. Stop that, now!


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

matt414 said:


> I think that deep down, I want to party, meet different women, and enjoy life for a bit.


What's that about "deep down"?

It's right there dude, and for good reason.

It's not that difficult to understand..

Let's see.. meeting all these different women, traveling to exotic places and having all sorts of fun versus having 4 more children and becoming a slave to fatherhood where the most you can look forward to is a diaper that isn't overflowing with shіt.


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