# Hi everyone!



## ThinkGratitude

Hi, I just joined tonight...searching for answers...I am so desperate for an answer. Or thought or hint...something:frown2: anyways, I am 52 and just got married in 2017, to a man I dated a lot for ten years. He dumped me four times before and I ended up moving a 12 hour drive away. Three years later he proposed to me while I lived there. I moved back to his hometown. But before we got married I was going through a pretty bad bout of depression and anxiety. He seen me quite bad, I warned him it could get super bad and he may not handle it...nope we will get though it together.

Forward to present day...I moved into his house exactly a year ago, depression got severe, I was contemplating suicide, I guess doc said I’m in perimenopause and past history of depression makes it worse. Great. So all last fall, winter and some spring I was suicidally depressed, my brother moved in with me to help me, as we are close and my husband was not compassionate at all or seemed interested in helping me cope. Because of my illness we fought a lot, he was always going out with friends never there for me...I didn’t even care...but the guilt ate at him and he never enjoyed going out...but he then turned it on me and said I say I’m okay with his outings but I’m not...ummmm ya I was okay...I was too depressed and sick to go out...so why shouldn’t he go....in the spring we sort of both said it might be better if I move out...as our marriage wasn’t what he expected etc. And he thought I would be happier in my home town again...

I ended up with my brother and senior mom (who I look after and lives with us) putting an offer on one house...it fell through...thought he be happy, but acted like he didn’t care...then put another offer on another home and he still never cared..I tried to talk to him about me moving out numerous times in last four months...just says do whatever you want. Now I am almost all packed a week before the move and still says nothing. I asked him a week ago where this was headed as I was leaving I said divorce? He says no I don’t want that... he still kisses me goodnight/hello asks me to go out with him to eat...but won’t once say please stay, don’t move, I’ll miss you, in last month before house offer went through I said I didn’t really wanna move as I was settling in to his house feeling better emotionally, my depression was better last three months so we got along good. I text him today to ask him should I take all my clothes or leave a few here...are we over when I move etc? He didn’t respond to it ...he ignored it. I told him a few times I’ll still come here and help him renovate doing painting etc...he says nothing when I say that too...no ya okay that be nice or I’ll come visit you etc...not a word.

I emailed him tonight and said don’t talk to me text me etc this whole next week be too hard on me when I leave...as I regret buying a house so far away. But he not once acted like he cared, or asked me to stay. It’s like he somehow did it so I could never blame him ...he says well I never told you to leave...no he didn’t ...but he never once asked me to stay or fight for me...fight for us! One year here and I’m moving again! What should I do? My depression is worse again because of his cold, no compassion attitude. I told him I’ll miss him a lot, I’ll miss our Friday date nights and movie nights etc...he says nothing...sits there like a board? Can you all see something I am missing or blind to? Why kiss me or ask me out still if he knows we are done?? He is being even nicer to me the last month...why wasn’t he this nice when I wasn’t moving? So he doesn’t want a divorce, but what does he want...he just will never ever tell me....please someone help me!! I’m scared and feeling full of regret. Why are his emotions so weird...it’s like he is pushing me away with one hand pulling me in with another!:crying: all my friends and family have no clue why he is like this...


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## Andy1001

Your husband has mental health issues of his own but you aren’t qualified to help him. It could be borderline autism but he needs professional help. What YOU need to do is to work on yourself, get some professional help of your own and then you may see what a toxic relationship you are in and recognize why you would marry a man like this. 
He broke up with you numerous times but you kept coming back? He has all the power in this marriage and that’s not doing you any good.


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## ThinkGratitude

Hi thank you so much for the response, you are so right...he does have mental health issues and is toxic, having someone say this helped me a lot and made me feel better that I am moving. He is playing some sick game with me and I need to get away from him. Yes, I have issues too obviously who would be stupid enough to keep taking back someone...🙄I know I need help to deal with this. Thank you so much for your words...they really helped me a lot. And made me feel better that ya why do I put up with his crap? And I should move out.


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## Andy1001

ThinkGratitude said:


> Hi thank you so much for the response, you are so right...he does have mental health issues and is toxic, having someone say this helped me a lot and made me feel better that I am moving. He is playing some sick game with me and I need to get away from him. Yes, I have issues too obviously who would be stupid enough to keep taking back someone...&#55357;&#56900;I know I need help to deal with this. Thank you so much for your words...they really helped me a lot. And made me feel better that ya why do I put up with his crap? And I should move out.


Remember one thing. You have value as a human being, as a wife, a daughter and as a sister. 
If someone is trying to say that you have no value, that you are worthless and bring nothing to the relationship then it’s time to leave. 
He doesn’t want to listen to you so maybe before you leave write him a letter and explain what you think about how he’s treating you. And suggest gently that he talks to someone about his issues.


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## MattMatt

ThinkGratitude said:


> Hi thank you so much for the response, you are so right...he does have mental health issues and is toxic, having someone say this helped me a lot and made me feel better that I am moving. He is playing some sick game with me and I need to get away from him. Yes, I have issues too obviously who would be stupid enough to keep taking back someone...&#55357;&#56900;I know I need help to deal with this. Thank you so much for your words...they really helped me a lot. And made me feel better that ya why do I put up with his crap? And I should move out.


You can't help him, he can't help you.

Sad, but that's about it.


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## aquarius1

When we are depressed we don’t believe in our own value. 

As someone looking from the outside in from a place of wellness I can tell you that this relationship is bad for you, and bad for your mental health. Deep inside your soul you know it, that’s why you are moving out rather than staying and putting up with it or believing that’s it’s somehow your fault (it isn’t)

Why is he behaving this way? You said yourself that he has mental health issues. You are not qualified to help him, and with your history you should focus on yourself and your wellness. Perimenopause is a challenging journey for many of us. Trust me when I say that it will pass and you will feel more well than you ever have once you become menopausal. Hang on!

I’m sorry that this is happening, just try to focus on rebalancing yourself, one day at a time. It’s not your job to figure him out. 
And don’t believe the bull-garbage that he or your brain tries to tell you. Depressed brains are not very helpful.


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## badsanta

MattMatt said:


> You can't help him, he can't help you.
> 
> Sad, but that's about it.


Sometimes a jar of Nutella will help. *Just don't ever let it run out!!!!!*


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## ThinkGratitude

Hi thank you so much for the reply. You are so right...I guess I do know deep down he is no good for me (thanks for pointing that out...and that’s why I am moving out since I just can’t get him to open up and say one thing to me about whether he wants me to stay or go. I am almost all packed up , the whole house is basically my furniture and stuff, and he acts happy as can be and I’m so sad. So I guess I have my answer...I mean I’m still here he could at any point just say to me please stay, but nope nothing. Yet weirdly he still kisses me hello goodbye and good night...still cares whether I’m mad at him etc. Like why? He is very strange indeed...this whole situation is strange. But I’m so mad at him for not supporting my awful perimenopause symptoms...I’m really struggling and what does he do, ignore it, or say how are you but doesn’t really care about my answer, if I have a doc appointment he never asks with concern what did he say, what can we do etc., I want to feel like I have my spouse there to support me and be there with me. I hope you are right that this will be over soon and I’ll feel more normal. Just makes me so mad, I spent so much money moving here, now money moving back😡 and he just gets to keep his moms cruddy house he bought off her and won’t budge on selling it one day...because he likes it...who cares if wife is miserable here...I guess when his daughter told me years ago ya dad can be quite thoughtless I should have ran...stupid me thought he matured now that he is 52, but nope...where is he today playing ball all weekend again...not one ounce of help for me in packing carrying boxes etc. Sorry I’m venting to you...I didn’t intend to do this and just thank you...


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## ThinkGratitude

Hi, thanks again...your right...I don’t value myself at all...I wish I was stronger and could just tell him off and walk away for ever...but he is a good person, if I ask him to do stuff for me he will etc, he works hard, doesn’t beat me, call me names, etc., he just grew up with a very cold and distant father and his parents had no love and were miserable...I know im giving him a free pass....but I will write him a letter...I wrote one months ago and he told my mother he didn’t even read it all...yeah...really cares...can’t even do that much after I take the time to write it. 🙄But when you said he may be borderline autistic I looked into that and he may well be, but one trait they could have is something I never heard of before and maybe has is characteristics of alexithymia which is marked dysfunction in emotional awareness, social attachment, and interpersonal relating. It’s like he doesn’t know how to feel or what he feels? Like huh ? people can be like this?...well he definitely seems to be...anyways...thanks again for your advice🤗🤗 i predicate it a lot!
I’m almost all packed and moving truck arrives on Friday...count down to the days I’m here is so sad and I feel sick to my stomach...but I know it’s probably for the best. He still hasn’t asked me to stay...but weirdly asks me out for dinner, breakfast today, kisses me hello goodbye goodnight etc...and why? No clue.


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## Andy1001

By the sound of things he doesn’t actually believe that you are going to leave. And if he asks you to stay with him the worst possible thing you can do is to agree. He will just figure that once again you threatened but didn’t follow through. 
He needs to take an active role in this relationship but he’s incapable or just not interested. 
You need to go. And stay gone.


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## aquarius1

Please stay strong. This is a marathon. Leave this behind, divorce and get whatever portion you are entitled to.
Close that chapter. Focus on YOU.
Go see your doctor. Some of us need help during perimenopause.


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## MattMatt

@ThinkGratitude *We all value you!* :smthumbup:

Maybe you need to change your user name to something more positive?  

I just went to a random superhero name generator and came up with these alternatives:-

Lovable-Girl
Lovely-Girl
Doctor Adorable
Game-Woman
Venture-Woman
Professor Feline
Professor Wonderful
Fantastic-Girl
Tremendous-Woman
https://www.name-generator.org.uk

Give it a go! If you want a name change, @EleGirl can help you do this.

You got this! And we got your back! :smthumbup:


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## ThinkGratitude

Thank you, your so right, I’m going to change it...as I’m hoping I’m not feeling confused and miserable forever...😞and if I want to reply to others on here to help them ...my name won’t sound too helpful will it.


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