# Ladies - PLEASE help me understand this behavior



## nightmoves8 (Aug 30, 2012)

Hi Ladies.
Thank you for reading and giving me your thoughts.


So my wife and I have had LD/HD problems which developed after our first child many years ago.

I want to start by saying that I truly love my wife, our family, our children.

After close to 20 years...I am so pleased that I still find my wife as desirable as I did the first week. (maybe more so) After a healthy, enjoyable, free sexual life...I absolutly found what I had htught was a myth. THAT one woman. Who got me arroused in a way non other had. It was the ENTIRE package...but mostly ...it was WHO shwas ....her mind...her heart...

ANYWAY...when our sex life went south...it was VERY unexpected, and really tough. I was supportive...and wanting to discuss...read...figure it out.

My wife - though...seemed "ok" with it in some ways.
We continued to have sex...but she did not seem to "want" it until we started ...ad then she was really into it.

She - from DAY ONE...has never been able to initiate. So THAT is all on me. (she has even said that ...that I would need to be the one to do that)

From DAY ONE...she has ALWAYS needed alcolohol to have sex. When I hae inquired ...she has said that sex "stresses her out"....so alcohol helps.

She has said that sex "has never been a high priority to her"....

So here is my reality. At one point ....she announced she was done with sex. I was ...shocked. I should maybe not have been as any sex we had was down to aboutonce a month...and ..I got the sense that if I did nottry very hard to keep it at that...she woudl be fine with zero.

BUT...I was actually of the belief that she was not really serious.

She was....for a very long time. It really killed me at first.
Could NOT believe it.
I believe STRONGLY in fidelity and love her way too much to cheat on her....so I lived without sex. 

Then...not even consciously...I realized i could not go on. It was not like I made some announcement...it was just something has worn out in me. I was at bottom.

Inexplicably, and surprisingly, I came home one night to her in a negligee. And sex returned.
I was surprised, uneasy, happy,(of course)...but a bit unnerved.

I was REALLY cautious. But this seemed to be real. So ...I began to go with it. We were seeming to be doing fine....about once a week...and then one week...i gently suggested (so as to allow her to easily say no) we maybe head upstairs early that night...and BOOM.

She was angry at me ...for "pressuring her"..."trying to "get it" often enough...etc..etc..."
It was bizzare.
She said I should WAIT until she was ready.
I said...that 
A. I am the one who has to initiate.
B.How would I know without suggesting or asking

I said I certainly di not want to if she di not...but how was I supposed to then proceed?

She said...maybe it would be better if I waited unit she said she wanted to ...then I could initiate...(huh?)...
EVEN if that was not for MONTHS...

SO...oh my word ....here we go again.

But somehow ...we got back into about a weekly schedule.

The Alcohol though I noticed ...Increased....(what used to be 1 glass...has become an entire bottle ...a night)

She had that happen once before preceding the long spell with no sex...and when she quit...(which I was REALLY happy about) she one pre quiting drunk night proclaimed..."and when I stop drinking...youcan really forget me having sex!"

To have sex....it was almost as though she had to make it VERY difficult...she would be clear that even if maybe.."no promises"...it was like she could almost NOT allow herself to "want it"....I had to scale a high wall....
But when I was able to begin to move into foreplay ...she was like BOOM....very turned on...and most times very into it. 
(also - very affected by alcohol)
But here has ALWAYS been the thing...when she would climax...it was like a light switch goes off...and she was TOTALLY then NOT into it. 
It was like she then became someone who did not like sex again...instantly.

I have NEVER seen this in a woman before....but...

SO my long wind up to a question is this....

Just a couple of days ago...I looked at her and she looked really sexy ...and I went over gave her a hug and kiss...and said maybe we could go to dinner later and get to bed early...

She got mad. 
Said ..."I get what your plan is"..."you are pushing for sex"
Usually I just back down...but this time I said...
"ok...so I am not pushing at all...but I do feel a lot of desire for you ...so yes ...I would like t have a nice night and make love"....

She started on a a rant ...that I was "getting it enough"...(it has been 3 weeks)...and she was pissed that I was "pushing"...ertc...etrc..

I swear...the above is ALL I said.All i did. There was no "pushing"...

So NOW she is pissed at me. Claims I am now "pushing/pressuring" for sex.

Can ANYONE either help me understand this - or at least help center me in that I am not "doing anything wrong"....

For goodness sakes....it is like she knows NOTHING about hw desire works. I REALLY am not MENTALLY 'deciding" I want to make love to her. NOT checking the calender...

WHY cant she just understand I have a desire and just want her? WHY is that wrong? WHY does it have to become all this other stuff inm her head.

IN the past...sh ehas said things like.."men are all the same...they just want a release"..."Men just want to get themselves off"...etc..etc..

Well..that is a TOUGH thing for this MAN to here - as I am her husband for goodness sakes. AND...while there may have been when I was single ...nights like that...the true tragedy of this is...i have NEVER felt that way with her. 
My lust, desire, comes form a really different place. But that said..i LOVE sex...and LOVE sex with her.

Please help me to get this all understood a bit...
Thank you


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Do you touch her and kiss her when it's not just leading to sex? Do you flirt and build things up during the day or just start touching when it's time to ask her to go to the bedroom? Does she enjoy sex when you do it?

As a woman, this 
_ ..."I get what your plan is"..."you are pushing for sex"_
would mean- I need you to show me affection outside of just wanting sex.

and this 
_ She said I should WAIT until she was ready._
would mean- foreplay all day long getting ready for initiation that night, not just right before you want it. 

With the drinking, she should see a counselor about any issues she has around sex or her past that would make this necessary.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Do you touch her and kiss her when it's not just leading to sex? Do you flirt and build things up during the day or just start touching when it's time to ask her to go to the bedroom? Does she enjoy sex when you do it?
> 
> As a woman, this
> _ ..."I get what your plan is"..."you are pushing for sex"_
> ...


I totally agree, especially with the flirting and affection throughout the day not just when you want to initiate.

Also, you're initiations are kind of "squishy". Saying "Maybe we can head of upstairs" or "suggesting" to have sex is not very attractive.


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## nightmoves8 (Aug 30, 2012)

Thank you both.

To answer...yes...I very much am a flirty romantic person naturally...and do that.
I must say that I have been made somewhat hesitant to do that as it is not reciprocated. I really am a touch person...and she is not. When queried - she has said that she "does not want to give a signal that entourages things"...(i.e. - does not want to get close and lead up to possible sex)

So - in a very counter intuitive way...I think it actually has caused me to NOT flirt/etc...during the day.
(if that makes sense..?)

And thus - yes - see your point about the intiation sounding or feeling "squishy"....
I was NEVER like that in the past.

I think I am trying too hard to "gently" ask..thus giving her the ability to refuse WITHOUT getting"upset"....
(again if that makes any sense...)


I guess I was trying to understand if this behavior suggests anything. It is like there is a mystery/riddle that exists....
at least that is what it feels like....

Thank you both for your posts


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

nightmoves8 said:


> . When queried - she has said that she "does not want to give a signal that entourages things"...(i.e. - does not want to get close and lead up to possible sex)


I've read some people having good results with setting a schedule. On days where you know there is no sex, she and you can feel free to be affectionate without worrying or wondering if it is leading into sex and you'll know that the time for sex is coming soon (then you don't feel the need to jump on any opportunity) Make sure she knows the no sex days will have no pressure from you at all. 

It could just make it so you can both relax more about it all.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, your wife is throwing up red flags right and left. The having to be drunk to have sex, the hyper-sensitivity to being pressured for sex, not liking to be touched, the weirdness around getting turned on. 

Is there sexual abuse or sexual trauma of any type in her past?


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## darkfilly (Mar 7, 2014)

My husband seems like that in some ways, lol! He used to tell me that I didn't touch him enough and that he wanted me to show some affection. So I would gently touch him and he would get anxious and assume I was initiating sex. Sigh. Mixed messages! Don't know what to tell ya...


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## Longtermer (Oct 1, 2014)

When I first met my husband I was of the opinion men only wanted one thing. I had had a bad experience at the age of 14 and instead of it making me back off sex I just let men use me because I had the attitude that I was worth nothing. Because my husband had a different attitude to women I allowed myself to get close to him and he was always very gentle so I put the event to the back of my mind. Unfortunately my memory was triggered by something small and I freaked some time into the relationship. He was completely flummoxed because Id never reacted like that before. Im just wondering if something has triggered a memory she didn't know she had and she doesn't understand why shes feeling like this. Try taking her somewhere where there is no chance of you having sex so the threat isn't there. Ask her if there is anything she wants to discuss with you, however confusing or upsetting it is for you she musnt see a negative reaction from you. Just be supportive. If it turns out it isn't a bad past at least you will have made her understand she can tell you anything and you will have opened up communication.


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