# partner inconsolible that he never had his own kids looking at options.



## sue 1386 (Jul 17, 2009)

My partner is inconsolible that he never had his own children.
I am late 40's he is older. I've read about methods for older women to bear children. I've read about risks not just for older women but also for men over 40 take a few years longer to inpregnate a woman and have much more birth defects and even birth defects in grandchildren.

NEvertheless i've read of what a pain this is for people and i can imagine it myself what a pain it is. 


At times he has wondered if he would start again with someone else just to have children, though this has haunted him for years as he has adored me and not wanted to lose me so whatever he chooses he loses a major love and longing.

No other women have liked him, wanted him or connected with him, his entire life, and none of us want to start over with other people. Both of us would be devastated at the thought of the other with someone else , and both of us hope to stay with the other, but he so much wants to have children.

I thought for many years that i was over and done with having children but perhaps i would start again and share this experience with him. We are looking at options. 

I am very well aware of all it takes to raise a child physically and emotionally, sleeping routines, feeding, attention, bathing, medical care, friends, activities, food, washing, mess, schooling, readers, homework, swimming, frustrations, educating. I also know how wonderful it can be especially with 2 supportive involved partners and i personally know others who had children in their 50s for exactly the same reasons. I also know others who thought it would be easier than it was to have children later in life and the relationship didnt last under the pressure and they really regretted.

I never thought i would consider living full on with someone and raising children again and merging finances all of which require alot of extra communication, teamwork, pressure, work. I never imagined considering giving up my freedom financially and practically and having all that it entails daily to raise children.

do hope my adult children and my grandchildren wouldnt lose out time wise or financially and that it wouldnt put our relationship under pressure , but that instead it will hopefully enhance it and bring us even closer and my partner fulfilling a long time dream together.

we are at a stage in life where we have alot to give in every way, but having raised children already i know what a responsibility and how many risks of stress there are doing it all over again for the next decades instead of having peace, freedom, less pressure but a very pained partner who has missed out on this major experience and longing of having a family.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't have any answers for you...I'd be inclined to tell him to just get over it at this point since your ages aren't really a good time to start having kids, if it is even possible. But I know "get over it" doesn't help. 

I suppose you could go the surrogate route, but you're right, there are birth defects linked to older fathers and they've also been talking about links to older fathers and autism as well, so I don't know if surrogacy is a good route either.

Must it be his own child? Could he be satisfied as a foster parent or adopting an older child?

Has he sought counseling to help him sort out his thoughts? Regret is difficult to overcome, and I'm sure he's blaming himself and life itself that he didn't do this when he was younger.

I'm 45 and can't imagine starting with a child at this point, and I also can't imagine leaving a partner I love for the sake of doing so.


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

Do an internet search on child raising costs and show him how expensive it is to raise a child to the age of maturity and then fund college.

He might realize that he's better off without kids.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

He's in his 50s or older. Why does he not have kids? Has he been trying all this time? Has he tried adopting? He's had at least 32 years to make it happen if kids were important to him. Maybe he's starting to confront his own mortality and that's why this sudden depression about kids is appearing.
If he could have had or adopted kids for three decades but he didn't then the issue isn't how to make a kid at this stage, it's how he can learn to be at peace with the decisions he has already made. I'm 52, a dad and a grandfather. I love kids, but I wouldn't embark on taking on an infant at this stage in my life. Kids are great but they are attention, energy, patience, and financial vampires. I love little kids, I love visiting with them, holding them, playing with them. Don't want to do it full-time at my age. If you could find a couple with a two or three year old and offer to babysit for a long weekend while they go out of town, I expect by Monday morning, your husband's paternal candle will be permanently blown out. If you want to seriously extinguish it, offer to keep the kid for a week. Two or three kids would be even better. During that week, schedule a lot of appointments for yourself so your husband will be the sole childcare provider.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

It gets harder each decade to physically have the energy to keep up with kids, especially if you're wanting to go through pregnancy and the whole nine yards.

Was he part of raising your children? What is the experience he feels he would be losing out on? 

I married H when my girls were 8 & 10 years old. We're 40 and 46 years old and had an unexpected pregnancy this past year (the baby is now 9 months old) and I can tell you that I am literally worn out chasing after this little guy while in my 20's, I had energy to spare.

Also, I was considered a high risk pregnancy at age 40 even though I'm in excellent health. During labor, my blood pressure kept crashing and it was a long, dangerous prolonged labor. I'm going in tomorrow to have a procedure done to ensure there are no more pregnancies.

Can you guys borrow someone's 2 or 3 year old for a weekend of activities to see how you would both adapt to the experience?


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

Wow, going through a similar situation. My guy is 57 and thinks he wants a baby. I wonder if they are just confronting their own mortality. I can't have more children, so we would have to go the surrogate route. I have children 4 and 10. I don't know that I want a baby at this point, plus he'd be 76 or 77 when the 'baby' graduated from high school.


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