# Any Advice Appreciated



## SCMOM1978 (Dec 17, 2015)

My husband and I have been married for 18 years and lately I have wanted to spice things up in the bedroom. When I have spoken to my husband about changing some things and getting a little kinky he has shut down. Once we discussed how he feels, I found out that while he does have kinky thoughts, he cannot bring himself to do any of them with me. He has it in his head that only “bad” girls do certain things and “good” girls think and behave a certain way. At this point I have no idea what to think. I do not think less of myself for having these kinky thoughts or desires, I think it is perfectly healthy and natural to have fantasies. While I respect that he has certain view points on sex and what is acceptable for a wife ( his wife mind you) to think and behave I cannot help but feel that he thinks less of me because I do not share his point of view about sex. He is the type of person who has a hard time seeing anything from someone else's point of view, so any advice on how to go about talking to him about his issue would be appreciated. Thanks! :smile2:


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
That is a tough one. I think that anything a loving couple enjoy doing together is great, but there are some people who think that any kinkiness is somehow wrong. Some people view sex as something "sacred", to others it is a fun game. 

His admitting to kinky thought is very positive. Can you describe it is just play - the same way that a pillow fight isn't a real fight, that enjoying some kinky things doesn't reflect on you or him as a person?

Is he willing / able to tell you his fantasies, even if he doesn't want you to act on them?


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## SCMOM1978 (Dec 17, 2015)

We have had those discussions....his fantasies are certainly something I would be willing to try....he just can't do them with me. He does view sex as a sacred thing and I think he is scared that if he views me as anything other than his wife and the mother of his children then he won't feel the same way about me. I don't have a problem with him maybe not being open to some of the things I find kinky, the problem I have is his thinking less of me for being...well what is considered a healthy natural response to wanting to be intimate with my husband in more kinkier ( rather than always) "vanilla" ways. Thank you for your response!


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

When he gets home from work, why don't you greet him at the front door wearing nothing but leather chaps and a whip?

I bet he changes his mind real quick about what's "appropriate" and what's not...



Seriously though, less "talking" and more "doing" would be my advice...


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

SCMOM1978 said:


> My husband and I have been married for 18 years and lately I have wanted to spice things up in the bedroom. When I have spoken to my husband about changing some things and getting a little kinky he has shut down. Once we discussed how he feels, I found out that while he does have kinky thoughts, he cannot bring himself to do any of them with me. He has it in his head that only “bad” girls do certain things and “good” girls think and behave a certain way. At this point I have no idea what to think. I do not think less of myself for having these kinky thoughts or desires, I think it is perfectly healthy and natural to have fantasies. While I respect that he has certain view points on sex and what is acceptable for a wife ( his wife mind you) to think and behave I cannot help but feel that he thinks less of me because I do not share his point of view about sex. He is the type of person who has a hard time seeing anything from someone else's point of view, so any advice on how to go about talking to him about his issue would be appreciated. Thanks! :smile2:


I believe this is referred to as "the [email protected] complex" 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Madonna–*****_complex

women sometimes have this too although it might be called something else.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

What are some "bad girl" things you could do that wouldn't be a significant problem for him? Wearing something sexy or provocative at home? in public? Talking dirty? Public display of affection? Perhaps you can start with little things and slowly acclimate him to increasingly naughty ideas.


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## SCMOM1978 (Dec 17, 2015)

Believe it or not...I have! LOL and it was met with approval!  but..... quickly the outfit came off and any attempts at new positions...dirty talk...etc.. were quickly pushed aside for a more traditional position and no verbal response from him.


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## SCMOM1978 (Dec 17, 2015)

Very interesting! I will most certainly read more about this!


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## SCMOM1978 (Dec 17, 2015)

I have done the role playing....pdas....dirty talk we are still working on...i haven't given up on that.... i have slowly tried to acclimate him to more kinkier aspects in the bedroom....a paddle...etc... with anything other than maybe buying flavored lube I hit a brick wall... I do not expect it to be...bdsm all the time lol I am quite fine with the ole tried and true so to speak sex, once in a while a little kinkier, spicier lovemaking would be nice though. I think maybe he is scared that if he turns me into his own personal porn star so to speak then I will have some unrealistic expectations in the bedroom... while I have expressed my desire to be his own personal sexual goddess who is open to new ideas... I honestly think he is secretly wanting that "dirty" girl.....but unable to accept me once that door has been open so to speak. My opinion...I think he is tripping himself at the starting line. Would be nice for him to also initiate sex and come up with a new idea or a new role playing scenario...etc... but unless I do all the work...planning a nice round of lovemaking, coming up with little extra fun things to do, an example being...I decided to play a game of rummy, each time someone put down three of a kind...the other could do what they wanted to the other for a full two minutes... it was fun! he seemed to enjoy it...then I said...ok I came up with this idea... now your turn...think of a fun game to play and we can put our own spin on it....one week went by...not a peep..i didn't mention anything just waited to see what he would come up with....3 weeks went by.... not a peep....so I said..so , you think of anything fun to do like the rummy game idea...big grin....he goes no, I am coming up blank lol I said...well keep thinking it will come to you so I patiently waited....all the while sex was regular....routine so to speak.... I did little things to encourage like buying lollipops and saying...hey i bought this for us...wink wink....i am sure you can think of something fun to do with them .....he goes...maybe....three months later they are still in the package.... untouched and i am at a loss for what else to do.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
just a thought - any chance you can be two different people? Get a mask and wig. When you are wearing the mask / wig you are the the kinky bad-girl. Otherwise you are the loving mother of his children.

It may seem silly, but I'm thinking that something that allows him to clearly separate the two images might help, so that next time you are holding one of the kids he doesn't have an image that involves riding crops and strapons....


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## SCMOM1978 (Dec 17, 2015)

Have done that! our children are older....14 and 10...not really young children he does not view them as babies anymore... i have done everything....tried to get him to meet me somewhere and pretend we don't know each other, i have played dress up, role played, bought bed tie downs....flavored lubricants...etc... and while he likes them....once the tie downs go on....it lasts for about 5 minutes then he takes them off and its tried and true missionary position....when it turns back to the "vanilla" I then try to say a few dirty pillow talk phrases...make it less ( for me anyway) boring and just mechanical feeling...it is not reciprocated. I bought toys for the bedroom...nothing fancy or big...just little things like a tiny silver bullet....was met with...why do you need that? i responded...just thought you might enjoy using it on me is all...and while he did try it and most certainly did seem to like it....the attitude towards it seems to be....i should be enough....why does she want this in the bedroom. When I addressed this I assured him that it was not necessary for me to use it to enjoy sex with him, once in a while it is nice to put the sprinkles on the cupcake so to speak. I have left the door open as far as communication goes for him to let me know how comfortable he is with using said toy...or said outfit ...etc...and if he is uncomfortable to let me know and I would not push. His attitude towards anything other than vanilla sex is pretty much summed up with...as long as it stays in her head I am comfortable but once she lets it out I don't like it.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Get him a copy of "Women on Top" by Nancy Friday. Or her "My Secret Garden" book. Make him read it. The books are compilations of sexual fantasies that women have, along with commentary by author on what those fantasies could represent. She has another one called "Men in Love" which is about men's sexual fantasies.

It might help him understand the depth and breadth of women's sexuality, and how perfectly normal and natural it is for women to have sexual thoughts, are adventurous with the sexual thoughts, and that these women are all both good girls and bad girls and all women are both.

Then give him a copy of the Kama Sutra (or just a link to an online site with the positions). Thousands of years of mutually engaging and varied sexual positions might also help him see things in a different way.

Is he religious? Is this part of why he has this madonna-wh*re syndrome?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

SCMOM1978 said:


> I cannot help but feel that he thinks less of me because I do not share his point of view about sex. He is the type of person who has a hard time seeing anything from someone else's point of view, so any advice on how to go about talking to him about his issue would be appreciated. Thanks! :smile2:


Two things. First, YOU need to learn to love yourself more so that it doesn't matter to you if he thinks 'less' of you because of HIS dysfunctional issues. It took me lots of therapy to get this through my head: he's free to 'judge' me but that's HIS problem, not mine. As long as I love myself, so what if he stifles himself with repressive crap?

Second, it's likely going to take a professional therapist talking to him before he'll be able to see that his FOO crap has warped his mind and created a rigid 'box' into which people fit or don't fit, and that for him to happier and healthier, he needs to come to grips that the way his parents raised him isn't necessarily the only way or even the right way.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Religiousity should really have no bearing on ones sexual repertoire!

As for yours truly, I love being religiously entrenched, but as a faithful lover to any woman who may be in my life, she needs to know that I am not a sexual prude!

Religious people can be some of the most unabashed lovers that there are ~ and without being remotely over-kinky about it, letting things naturally develop!

After all, good lovemaking comes from ones heart and open mind!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It seems that your husband has mastered the missionary position and that's where he'll stay. His feelings may be hurt that you don't think his vanilla lovemaking skills are sufficient. He may be embarrassed that you're more up on sexual fun than he ever thought of.

Or, he could just be lazy in the bedroom. It looks like if anything different is going to happy, it's on you. So sorry and good luck.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I don't think it's that. I think it's that his church has burned it into his brain that if he lusts for more, he'll be condemned to hell. Or some such. Even though he KNOWS he lusts; he just can't 'appear' to be ok with it.


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## SCMOM1978 (Dec 17, 2015)

He wasn't brought up religious household I actually was the one who was brought up in church. Neither of us are into organized religion.


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## SCMOM1978 (Dec 17, 2015)

Thank you to each and every one who posted. I really appreciate it. I did some research into the Madonna/***** complex...from what I have read it is spot on! Last night I saved a few articles and I am going to purchase a few books. The next step I am going to try is to encourage him to read about it and see what his take on it is. One day at a time I suppose. All I can do is try, after being married for so long and trying 100 different approaches something has to work. If not I will cross that bridge when I get to it. Until then thank you all again!


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Some people are just brought up with more traditional beliefs on sex roles. It's not necessarily a bad thing but can prevent the sex life from getting more passionate. He actually has you on a pedestal. You're his pure wife that he loves, respects, and doesn't want to defile. In his head those are acts you do with someone you don't love or respect.

You can slowly up the passion. It will probably require you to take the lead. Slow baby steps or you may freak him out. If he has the fantasies it means that he wants it but suppresses those desires because he thinks he shouldn't do those with his pure wife. Show him you can be HIS wh0re and still be his Goddess.


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## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

SCMOM1978 said:


> Thank you to each and every one who posted. I really appreciate it. I did some research into the Madonna/***** complex...from what I have read it is spot on! Last night I saved a few articles and I am going to purchase a few books. The next step I am going to try is to encourage him to read about it and see what his take on it is. One day at a time I suppose. All I can do is try, after being married for so long and trying 100 different approaches something has to work. If not I will cross that bridge when I get to it. Until then thank you all again!


Purchase the women's panty that comes with the remote controlled "bullet" designed into it. Next time you two go out, and I mean anywhere, wear the panty and hand him the remote AFTER arriving. Explain it's function and let him have a go at it! 

Sent from my SM-T337T using Tapatalk


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