# Separated..Husband's b-day gift??



## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

So, I want to acknowledge his birthday (which is November 27th). I am planning on getting him a general card and just say happy birthday, but I would also like to get him a little gift. 

His favorite candy is reese's and his favorite cookies are peanut butter. I was thinking of making him peanut butter and chocolate cookies. 

Light enough and thougtful enough gift? I don't want to seem pushy, but I do love and care for him so I want to give him something.

Also, we have a 16 month old daugter so I will have her do a picture for him too. 

Any other ideas? I'm open.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

If you're still talking like you're wanting to repair this marriage...... go ahead. 

BUT if you are the one who's fighting an impending divorce initiated by him, or you suspect he's having an affair with another woman...... don't even think about it.

General consensus with the 180 and birthdays is "Cards = OK, Gifts = Bad Idea!". Believe me and everyone else who tells you DO NOT CHASE. No arguments about what you're intentions are or that you know better...... if you're separated and not using the "L-word" or seeing each other frequently, DO NOT CHASE OR SEND GIFTS. The best you can hope for is maybe a thank you and a couple days of faigned niceness but usually that goes away as soon as he stops thinking about you and then you're left heartbroken and in pain all over a stupid gift and an attempt to manipulate his feelings with a gift you think he needs when all he has on his wish list is "SPACE".


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## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

Nsweet said:


> If you're still talking like you're wanting to repair this marriage...... go ahead.
> 
> BUT if you are the one who's fighting an impending divorce initiated by him, or you suspect he's having an affair with another woman...... don't even think about it.
> 
> General consensus with the 180 and birthdays is "Cards = OK, Gifts = Bad Idea!". Believe me and everyone else who tells you DO NOT CHASE. No arguments about what you're intentions are or that you know better...... if you're separated and not using the "L-word" or seeing each other frequently, DO NOT CHASE OR SEND GIFTS. The best you can hope for is maybe a thank you and a couple days of faigned niceness but usually that goes away as soon as he stops thinking about you and then you're left heartbroken and in pain all over a stupid gift and an attempt to manipulate his feelings with a gift you think he needs when all he has on his wish list is "SPACE".


No wanting to work on the marriage from him. Might sound like I'm in denial, but truthfully I'm not expecting a reaction back. I just wanted to do something nice. I didn't know anything about 180 until I saw on the forum that I already was doing it. 

So card yes, cookies no correct?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soca70 (Oct 30, 2012)

I bought a $1000 piece of furniture she wanted two weeks after D-Day for her birthday. It's going into the renatl house she secured after continuing to move forward with the separation plans. I'd opt for just the card.


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## SCsweety81 (Sep 27, 2012)

Just do a card, from the kid.

Don't get him anything, from you.

A runaway spouse isn't deserving of your gifts.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

separated2000 said:


> No wanting to work on the marriage from him. Might sound like I'm in denial, but truthfully I'm not expecting a reaction back. I just wanted to do something nice. I didn't know anything about 180 until I saw on the forum that I already was doing it.
> 
> So card yes, cookies no correct?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Card ABSOLUTELY, but a generic "Happy Birthday" with nothing emotional inside. Just Happy Birthday with "Happy B-day stbxh" inside. 

The cookies...... let me put it like this, he's firing you as his wife. Anything you do is not going to change his mind it's going to look manipulative. Not to mention he's likely to supsect you're trying to poison him and file a restraining order. 

To put it simply, just call him that day. Don't give the man who's cheating on you, divorcing you, and has already left you a reward for doing so. 

Now before you suspset I'm one of those assh*les here who tells you reconciliation isn't possible. I've seen it happen in person and helped women on here do it, so I know it works. BUT you gotta follow the rules (the 180 and simple psychology) and DO NOT CHASE him. You'll be better off making cookies to share with a platonic date and spending that $2 on gas. Let your husband get a chance to miss you and wonder why you've stopped calling. 

And yes I wanted to call my ex wife on her birthday too, but I'm not about to be that nice to the cheating woman who filed false charges on me. I'm a nice guy but dude, there's a limit


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## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

Nsweet said:


> Card ABSOLUTELY, but a generic "Happy Birthday" with nothing emotional inside. Just Happy Birthday with "Happy B-day stbxh" inside.
> 
> The cookies...... let me put it like this, he's firing you as his wife. Anything you do is not going to change his mind it's going to look manipulative. Not to mention he's likely to supsect you're trying to poison him and file a restraining order.
> 
> ...



Just to make it clear, there's been no infidelity. Not trying to defend him, but wanting to keep the facts clear. Thanks everyone for your advice 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Well then, 
Infidelity does make matters worse, but if that's not the case then you should be fine with the general 180 and the "act as if" attitude that will allow you to avoid showing him anything but your best self. 

You're going to hear about the 180 a lot here but let me be the first to tell you, agreeing with his decision to leave by aknowledging his desire to be left alone Ie not chasing him, will do wonders for your situation. 

Use all that love you want to give him on yourself.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

If I was in your position I wouldnt even bother with a simple, vocalized happy birthday. I would see it this way. He wants space, he wants out, he obviously stopped caring so why torture myself by continueing to show vulnerability and kindness to someone who is just in essence showing me thier ass? 

Besides if there was a chance at reconcilation... I think you should make him work for it. Hell he is the one hurting you with this so if he really cared then he should work to prove it to you in my opinion. In times like this, being indifferent is your best bet. Again, just my opinion. Then again I am not really as nice as some people here I think. 

I do agree that you should focus more on yourself and making yourself happy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Nothing
Don't bother
Zilch
But I know you won't listen, because I didn't!! I caved and gave a card! Lol!
Why are you separated?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Nothing
> Don't bother
> Zilch
> But I know you won't listen, because I didn't!! I caved and gave a card! Lol!
> ...


Lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Nothing
> Don't bother
> Zilch
> But I know you won't listen, because I didn't!! I caved and gave a card! Lol!
> ...



Actually, I'm just gonna have his daughter make him something. I'm not going to give him a card. I'll pull my original post to let you know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

separated2000 said:


> Actually, I'm just gonna have his daughter make him something. I'm not going to give him a card. I'll pull my original post to let you know.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



So I will try to keep this as short as possible. 
My husband and i have been friends for 17 years, been together for 14 1/2 years and married 13 years. We have a 16 month old daughter.

Throughout our marriage i was emotionally abusive to him (going through counseling I realized that it was related to being molested until i was 14 years old).

As of October of 2011 we were going to counseling. We are still seeing individual counselors but no longer seeing a marriage counselor.

My husband told me that he "doesn't love me, can't find anything he appreciates about me and doesn't want me"

Technically we were separated but living together from October 2011-November 2012. We didn't go out anywhere and after having our daughter, I really hit a depression stage. So i ended up telling him (in September 2011) that I didn't know if I could ever be as affectionate as he would desire.

Well, since going to counseling I have realized that I am a loving and affectionate person. Unfortunately, its difficult for my husband to accept this as truth. He feels that "everything I have done in our marriage has been fake".

So what I'm trying to get at is, what do I do now? I live with my parents currently and we have agreed on visitation rights. This is not a legal separation. 

He does certain things that tend to confuse me and maybe someone can answer this for me. 

Yesterday, he had our daughter bring me a bread from starbucks. He said he asked our daughter what she would like to get me, and this is what she got me. Well, she doesn't talk yet so I know that he got it for me.

Also, he text me to let me know that he carpooled with one our mutual girl friends. 

I asked him not to let me know about that unless there is some step towards reconciliation (there's a story to that. There hasn't been infidelity, but boundaries broken and it hurts to hear and see certain interactions with girls).

Anyone know why he would do this? Also, any other advice would be appreciated. Thanks.
[Reply] [!!]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

He's trying to make you jealous so he can pull away knowing you still want him. 

And the bread thing is using your daughter as a pawn to pull on your heart strings. Have to give him props for give you sweets when he didn't have to though....... don't forget this!

Such a waste to lose such an affectionate person in you. I mean if you offered me cookies with Reece's in them, and I mean like a couple dozen or more...... I'd offer to come over and do house work like wax floors. And I don't mean that as something sexual I actually mean I would be cleaning and eating cookies the whole time.

Check out DaisyGirl41's story and how she reconciled. I'm seeing a familiar pattern here and I'll tell you what I told her. When he doing kind things for you make sure to thank him and treat him kind. That's time and gifts he could be giving to another woman. It sounds to me like he wants to reconcile but he's really not sure if you're putting on an act or for real this time. You just give him all the time and space he needs but MAKE DAMN SURE you show him nothing but kindness when you do talk. Don't so much as take one little thing out on him, if you have to don't answer the phone and let it go to vm if you're having issues. 

And always ALWAYS keep working on yourself. You found the root of you issues with the sexual molestation but it doesn't stop there. You're going to have to keep working on yourself and developing ways you can deal with that anger not unleashing it on him or anyone else and not through suicide. I know a bit about this two as my mother was molested at 4. It's tough road what with the PTSD and displaced emotions in all but it's not impossible to recover and reconcile. He was with you for nearly 20 years and he's still buying you expensive sweets from Starbucks, I'd say he still cares a lot about you.


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## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

Nsweet said:


> He's trying to make you jealous so he can pull away knowing you still want him.
> 
> And the bread thing is using your daughter as a pawn to pull on your heart strings. Have to give him props for give you sweets when he didn't have to though....... don't forget this!
> 
> ...


Haha that's funny about the cookies  I've been looking for daisy's story and haven't been able to find it. I've also contacted her. Do you know where I can find it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IrocTransam (Aug 29, 2012)

I'm interested in her story as well as my separation is now at a year and she doesn't want to divorce.


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