# Should I leave my husband?



## Hurtingnz (May 23, 2016)

Married 11 years, 2 kids- 22mths & 2 weeks... A few months ago my hubby became friends with a girl who developed feelings for him, he said he thought about the idea of leaving me so went on a few 'dates' with her, he says they got as far as cuddling but he didn't want to persue it as he didn't feel attracted to her in that way and loves his family... Found out today that he went to the hot pools with her & some friends last night (he told me he was going to hot pools but didn't say she would be there) anyway he said he didn't tell me coz I wouldn't of let him go & now he wants to stay friends with her & if I don't let him stay friends with her & let them hang out then he's leaving... Based on him choosing her over me & the kids is basis for leaving but for the kids sake I don't want him to go just because I don't want him to be friends with her... Argh! My daughter is only 2 weeks old, I don't think I could handle her & a toddler on my own ? He's sworn he's not interested in her in 'that' way which I believe but I hate how easy he would give up on us ? What should I do????


----------



## Hurtingnz (May 23, 2016)

Hope that all makes sense??


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Do you work full-time? Are you able to support the kids and yourself on your own?


----------



## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

OP time to set some boundaries with your H. So sorry you are in this position, especially with the ages of your children.

Tell him it's fine to be friends with her if he wants to get kicked out of your house and live somewhere else, and pay you alimony/child support. Total BS. No, he cannot be friends with her.

Do you have any family around, support?

Your H is going on "dates" while you have a 22 month old and a baby?? Why did he have kids to then decide he doesn't really want to be married...!! How old is he?


----------



## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

That is a hard choice, and I know it can't make you feel good, but that fact that he is willing to throw 11 years away so easily should tell you something. He is already checking out the waters for someone else and has the nerve to tell you that he is still hanging out with another woman and if you don't like it, I'm leaving?

What if the other woman did turn him on and they did more than cuddle, what would your thoughts be?

You deserve better than this kind of man and would you be happy sharing a house with someone, while he's hanging out with different women? My guess would be, he'd be leaving sooner than later anyway, since he sees nothing wrong with kind of behavior.

My ex, tried the same things. She started going out with single friends, slow dancing with random guys, letting them flirt with her etc. We had two small sons at the time and I looked the other way too. She didn't see anything wrong with this and she even said to me "when did marriage have so many rules"? Needless to say, she cheated, big surprise? We divorced and moved on.

Since your husband's thinking of what a marriage is has changed. You will never be happy with him. Once you test the waters, you no longer love your spouse. You can't love two people at the same time. Usually spouses think they can have the best of both worlds, a comfort zone on one end & a fancy free life on the other and you don't get it both ways.

Raising kids a lone would be hard, but I'm sure your family and friends would be there for you. Staying for the wrong reasons never works, especially for kids or money.

My heart goes out to you.


----------



## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

It's a physical affair. Only way a normal person bails on his wife and infant.

He's in the fog. 

You'll resent the hell out of him for doing this.

You need tell him get rid of her immediately or divorce him. Marriage is 2 not 3. If you back down or get weak on this you'll regret it later with life of misery.


----------



## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Wow I can't believe you let him go on a couple of dates with her to begin with.

Are you going to be able to handle him having a side woman? I do not see this turning out good for you, they will develop a relationship from this and then you will have no choice but to be a single mom. You need to step up and lay down some rules, and he needs to grow up and take care of his family.


----------



## Hurtingnz (May 23, 2016)

jld said:


> Do you work full-time? Are you able to support the kids and yourself on your own?


Not at the moment, I have 2 week old baby & 22 mth old so have only done some freelance part time work ... I would have to get government assistance ?


----------



## Hurtingnz (May 23, 2016)

bluezone said:


> OP time to set some boundaries with your H. So sorry you are in this position, especially with the ages of your children.
> 
> Tell him it's fine to be friends with her if he wants to get kicked out of your house and live somewhere else, and pay you alimony/child support. Total BS. No, he cannot be friends with her.
> 
> ...


He's 34 & I'm 33, he says he finds having children too much responsibility & wants more freedom & more fun which is what these 'friends' give him. 
I am very lucky that I do have good family support around me but I believe children need thier dads ? I'm not from a broken home so no idea what it would be like or the effect it will have on the children.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Hurtingnz said:


> Not at the moment, I have 2 week old baby & 22 mth old so have only done some freelance part time work ... I would have to get government assistance ?


Are you in New Zealand? Do you know what gov't assistance is available to you?

I would proceed as if he had died. This man is not committed to you. So sorry, OP.


----------



## Hurtingnz (May 23, 2016)

I'd like to think that I' would've left if it did go further... The comment about marriage & rules have been brought up numerous times by him as well... Hmmm


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Don't leave him.

Kick him the f*ck out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hurtingnz (May 23, 2016)

Lostme said:


> Wow I can't believe you let him go on a couple of dates with her to begin with.
> 
> Are you going to be able to handle him having a side woman? I do not see this turning out good for you, they will develop a relationship from this and then you will have no choice but to be a single mom. You need to step up and lay down some rules, and he needs to grow up and take care of his family.


I didn't know about the dates till after they happened as he confessed later on... Don't know why I stayed after he told me... Being 7 months pregnant at the time didn't help just like now with a newborn I don't know if I'm just being overly hormonal & tired so decisions like this are far too hard !


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Hurtingnz said:


> I didn't know about the dates till after they happened as he confessed later on... Don't know why I stayed after he told me... Being 7 months pregnant at the time didn't help just like now with a newborn I don't know if I'm just being overly hormonal & tired so decisions like this are far too hard !


Hurting, your WH is having his cake and eating it, I know this is a bad time with just having a new kid but you have support so you go scorched earth on your WH. Any man who does what he is doing to his wife doesn't deserve a family or a decent woman

1. tell all family and friends (his family too) what he has done (time to make him accountable)
2. Do the 180 on him and follow religiously
3. ask a friend or mother to move into the home with you for a month or so to help with the kids
4 contact a lawyer and see what your options are, have the papers drawn up (remember you don't have to go through with it if your WH has a reality check)
5 YOur WH at the moment does not have to change because you are not putting down any boundaries for him. Let him see what life would be like without you guys and it is also highly unlikely that friends and family are not going to be too friendly with him for what he is doing
6. He will either come out of the fog or stay in it. If he stays in the fog and leaves, it will be tough initially but it is better than trying to hang onto a man who you cannot trust.

start these steps immediately, you must take control of your circumstances now


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Hurtingnz said:


> I'd like to think that I' would've left if it did go further... The comment about marriage & rules have been brought up numerous times by him as well... Hmmm


It has gone further.

You are in denial.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## Hurtingnz (May 23, 2016)

jld said:


> Hurtingnz said:
> 
> 
> > Not at the moment, I have 2 week old baby & 22 mth old so have only done some freelance part time work ... I would have to get government assistance ?
> ...


Yes in NZ, yes we have a pretty good welfare system here, I worked there for 7 years & never thought I'd be sitting on the other side of the desk ? Another reason I'm terrified of leaving!


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Hurtingnz said:


> Yes in NZ, yes we have a pretty good welfare system here, I worked there for 7 years & never thought I'd be sitting on the other side of the desk ? Another reason I'm terrified of leaving!


Why is that? Surely the gov't support is reliable?

Hurting, you need to leave him. Or kick him out, as Gus said. Not sure about the rules for that in NZ. But it needs to be over. 

I don't think he will ever change, personally. I would want to be done with him. It sounds like he is done with you, and the kids, sadly.


----------



## Hurtingnz (May 23, 2016)

aine said:


> Hurtingnz said:
> 
> 
> > I didn't know about the dates till after they happened as he confessed later on... Don't know why I stayed after he told me... Being 7 months pregnant at the time didn't help just like now with a newborn I don't know if I'm just being overly hormonal & tired so decisions like this are far too hard !
> ...


I feel so embarrassed this is happening, I don't want to tell anyone, hence coming on here... You are right though, I need to start making steps to leave him & I'm gonna need support ! Omg I can't stop crying ? I don't know how I'm going to get through this!


----------



## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

Hurtingnz said:


> He's 34 & I'm 33, he says he finds having children too much responsibility & wants more freedom & more fun which is what these 'friends' give him.
> I am very lucky that I do have good family support around me but I believe children need thier dads ? I'm not from a broken home so no idea what it would be like or the effect it will have on the children.


Glad to hear that you have support. I would give your husband all the freedom he wants....by kicking him to the curb. Children need their dads, but your kids will still be able to see him, etc. if you separate. What children DON'T need is to view their dad being totally disrespectful to their mom, and treating her so poorly.

Your H needs a BIG wakeup call. He is 34 years old, time to man up. You need to put your foot down and get him to respect your boundaries or get out. If he comes to his senses and realizes what he has lost, you can always reconcile at some point after he grows up. 

Having children is always a rocky point in a marriage, but it shouldn't be like this. Hang in there OP and start getting support for yourself.


----------



## Hurtingnz (May 23, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Why the 9 year wait after marriage to start a family? Was your H not wanting to have kids?


We had 7 years of infertility, our son was conceived through IVF & our 2 week old girl was a huge surprise


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

aine said:


> Hurting, your WH is having his cake and eating it, I know this is a bad time with just having a new kid but you have support so you go scorched earth on your WH. Any man who does what he is doing to his wife doesn't deserve a family or a decent woman
> 
> 1. tell all family and friends (his family too) what he has done (time to make him accountable)
> 2. Do the 180 on him and follow religiously
> ...


I would not run around telling anyone except the people who are going to be directly involved, like her parents and possibly his. Actually, I would let his parents contact her if they have questions. 

I would not try to wake him up, either. I would move forward just like with a death. Procure support, figure out a timeline for getting job training, and eventually seek full-time work. Out with the old, and forward to a new, independent life.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Hurtingnz said:


> I feel so embarrassed this is happening, I don't want to tell anyone, hence coming on here... You are right though, I need to start making steps to leave him & I'm gonna need support ! Omg I can't stop crying ? I don't know how I'm going to get through this!


Of course you are sad, sweetheart. You are grieving.


----------



## Hurtingnz (May 23, 2016)

jld said:


> Hurtingnz said:
> 
> 
> > Yes in NZ, yes we have a pretty good welfare system here, I worked there for 7 years & never thought I'd be sitting on the other side of the desk ? Another reason I'm terrified of leaving!
> ...


It's reliable, just a pride thing for me more than anything... Being a beneficiary & feeling like I've failed


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Hurtingnz said:


> It's reliable, just a pride thing for me more than anything... Being a beneficiary & feeling like I've failed


It is just temporary. That is what it is there for, hon.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

It's very scary to leave until you get a plan together and execute. I was in your situation 5 years ago. X left me for her affair partner and I was left to raise our daughters then 4 and 7 months. You can come through the other side of this. You won't know how strong you really are until faced with something like this. Get a plan together and phase this guy out. You deserve better than being cheated on.

Also while they are in the "fog" they don't always thing straight. See if you can get him to sign over his parental rights. He might just consider it now.


----------



## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Hurtingnz said:


> Married 11 years, 2 kids- 22mths & 2 weeks... A few months ago my hubby became friends with a girl who developed feelings for him, he said he thought about the idea of leaving me so went on a few 'dates' with her, he says they got as far as cuddling but he didn't want to persue it as he didn't feel attracted to her in that way and loves his family... Found out today that he went to the hot pools with her & some friends last night (he told me he was going to hot pools but didn't say she would be there) anyway he said he didn't tell me coz I wouldn't of let him go & now he wants to stay friends with her & if I don't let him stay friends with her & let them hang out then he's leaving... Based on him choosing her over me & the kids is basis for leaving but for the kids sake I don't want him to go just because I don't want him to be friends with her... Argh! My daughter is only 2 weeks old, I don't think I could handle her & a toddler on my own ? He's sworn he's not interested in her in 'that' way which I believe but I hate how easy he would give up on us ? What should I do????


Say this, "I am asking you to end this inappropriate relationship. I will not check up on you to ensure you have."

Then step away.

No ultimatums. No begging. No pleading. No reasoning with him.


----------



## Hurtingnz (May 23, 2016)

Relationship Teacher said:


> Hurtingnz said:
> 
> 
> > Married 11 years, 2 kids- 22mths & 2 weeks... A few months ago my hubby became friends with a girl who developed feelings for him, he said he thought about the idea of leaving me so went on a few 'dates' with her, he says they got as far as cuddling but he didn't want to persue it as he didn't feel attracted to her in that way and loves his family... Found out today that he went to the hot pools with her & some friends last night (he told me he was going to hot pools but didn't say she would be there) anyway he said he didn't tell me coz I wouldn't of let him go & now he wants to stay friends with her & if I don't let him stay friends with her & let them hang out then he's leaving... Based on him choosing her over me & the kids is basis for leaving but for the kids sake I don't want him to go just because I don't want him to be friends with her... Argh! My daughter is only 2 weeks old, I don't think I could handle her & a toddler on my own ? He's sworn he's not interested in her in 'that' way which I believe but I hate how easy he would give up on us ? What should I do????
> ...



I've told him I'm not strong enough to leave him & if he doesn't love me then he needs to make the decision to leave, he says he's scared he'll regret it if he does ...


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Hurtingnz said:


> I feel so embarrassed this is happening, I don't want to tell anyone, hence coming on here... You are right though, I need to start making steps to leave him & I'm gonna need support ! Omg I can't stop crying ? I don't know how I'm going to get through this!


This is NOT YOUR FAULT.

Do not let fear of embarrassment cause you to make decisions that have poor long term consequences. 

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Hurtingnz said:


> I've told him I'm not strong enough to leave him & if he doesn't love me then he needs to make the decision to leave, he says he's scared he'll regret it if he does ...


And every day you continue this is one more day he will straddle the fence. 
Kick him off of it...on the side of the other woman. You make the decision. You are the prize here, not him.

Do you really want to fight for someone who admits they can't handle children, after all of the heartache you went through to have your first?

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Hurtingnz said:


> I've told him I'm not strong enough to leave him & if he doesn't love me then he needs to make the decision to leave, *he says he's scared he'll regret it if he does ...*


*
*

what a weak, unmanly response.

actions have consequences. grown up men face those consequences.

he married. swore fidelity to you and then had two kids.

time to grow up..........like yesterday!


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Hurtingnz said:


> I've told him I'm not strong enough to leave him & if he doesn't love me then he needs to make the decision to leave, he says he's scared he'll regret it if he does ...


Hurting . . . He is even weaker than you are. You have to take charge here, and move on. If he wants you, he will come get you.


----------



## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

Hurtingnz said:


> He's 34 & I'm 33, he says he finds having children too much responsibility & wants more freedom & more fun which is what these 'friends' give him.
> I am very lucky that I do have good family support around me but I believe children need thier dads ? I'm not from a broken home so no idea what it would be like or the effect it will have on the children.


 I'm sorry but your husband is a child. He is not ready to be a man and be the father he needs to be. The dates with this woman were not about you or even cheating for that matter, it was about him trying to get away from his responsibilities. He wants to still have "fun" when he needs to focus on being a man and taking care of his children. The fact that he contemplating leaving you with those two young children is very disturbing. You have a dilemma for sure. If you leave him then you will be on your own but if you stay with him there is a decent chance that you will still be on your own. You need to be blunt and tell him that you view him as less than man and that if he doesn't get his stuff together then you will leave and find one.


----------



## Hurtingnz (May 23, 2016)

Thanks everyone for your responses... There's definately a consensus that i should leave him which means I was completely in denial as I thought the reaction would be that I was overreacting. Part of me hopes he will come to his senses & treat me right but the other part knows the ship has sailed & damage has already been done.
I'm going to start by putting some plans & savings in place & let my family know so I have some support that's aware of what's happening... 
I'll keep updating as I'll most probably need reminding that I can do this! 
Just gotta stay strong!


----------



## dan13732 (May 5, 2016)

You can only control you, not him.

You can speak your feelings about the matter. If he accepts them and changes his behavior, you have information. If he doesn't do either, you have information. Either way: act on that information. Maya Angelou said: "when someone shows you their true self... believe them."

You can set limits, but they are only as good as your courage to follow through with "plans of your own" if he doesn't respect your limits.

Cutting him out of your life may be hard, but I suspect that staying with him will be harder. Sounds like you may gain a shred of financial security at the cost of stewing in life-long resentment. Doesn't sound like a good trade-off to me.


----------



## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

I'm so sorry Hurting that your husband is doing this to you; and with young children-especially hard. I read something the other day that went something like this: "If you are hesitating between another person and me, then don't choose me." You get this in your head as hurtful and horrible as it is right now. It isn't right and it isn't normal for him to say he is scared of a decision to CHOOSE between his family and another woman. WTF. Sick. Sadly this is the nature of many affairs and it fu*king hurts.

You will be OK-you have to be for your kids. Rally your support system around you right now as you need it more than ever. Do one thing at a time. Don't let him hurt you further; not one more day is he allowed to ponder on his decision. He is making the wrong choice; so let him. Ask him to move out right now and be happy with whomever he wants to be since that person isn't you. Keep posting here and take good care of yourself.


----------



## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Hurtingnz said:


> I've told him I'm not strong enough to leave him & if he doesn't love me then he needs to make the decision to leave, he says he's scared he'll regret it if he does ...


You are strong enough to leave him.

You gave him an ultimatum, which is ineffective.

When you use my method, you place an incredible weight on his shoulders. If he doesn't end it, then he is effectively choosing her over you. Let him make that decision. At all points, you have to consider your desire to continue in a relationship with him, should he comply with any sane person's definition of "faithful".

Him not ending this relationship is violating the boundaries of the relationship. He has to have personal boundaries. He has to enforce those. If someone is attracted to him, then any relationship with that person is out of order. We set up personal boundaries out of respect for our partners and the relationship. He might think he "isn't doing anything wrong", but he is. He is violating the boundaries, at minimum.


----------



## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

Hurtingnz said:


> Thanks everyone for your responses... There's definately a consensus that i should leave him which means I was completely in denial as I thought the reaction would be that I was overreacting. Part of me hopes he will come to his senses & treat me right but the other part knows the ship has sailed & damage has already been done.
> I'm going to start by putting some plans & savings in place & let my family know so I have some support that's aware of what's happening...
> I'll keep updating as I'll most probably need reminding that I can do this!
> Just gotta stay strong!


This is serious stuff. Are you 100% sure you have described the situation accurately? If you are then yes, he's a bum and you probably need to go stay with your family while he grows up and if he doesn't you should kick him to the curb.


----------



## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Hurtingnz said:


> I've told him I'm not strong enough to leave him & if he doesn't love me then he needs to make the decision to leave, he says he's scared he'll regret it if he does ...


He's scared he'll regret it if he does? What a scumbag he is.

You need to kick him out. Like, now. Next time he leaves with his "friends", put all his stuff outside, and have a locksmith change all the locks. Or have a friend change all the locks if you can't afford a locksmith.


----------



## Hurtingnz (May 23, 2016)

niceguy28 said:


> Hurtingnz said:
> 
> 
> > Thanks everyone for your responses... There's definately a consensus that i should leave him which means I was completely in denial as I thought the reaction would be that I was overreacting. Part of me hopes he will come to his senses & treat me right but the other part knows the ship has sailed & damage has already been done.
> ...


I think so... Well the best I could without writing a novel... I could've added that Before the incident with the girl he had expressed his feelings of wanting freedom & not having to ask if he can go somewhere ... Not that he ever has asked, he usually just does what he wants anyway! 
To be honest, the more I start to write about him the more I realise how badly I've let him treat me


----------



## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Hurtingnz said:


> He's 34 & I'm 33, he says he finds having children too much responsibility & wants more freedom & more fun which is what these 'friends' give him.
> I am very lucky that I do have good family support around me but I believe children need thier dads ? I'm not from a broken home so no idea what it would be like or the effect it will have on the children.


Well he should have thought of that before making 2 children. 
What an arse he is. 
You're a lovely & understanding person to put up with him. 
You deserve someone better than this man. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


----------

