# Advice with a situation..



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

My H is going on a trip with the guys out of town camping deeeeeeppp in the mountains for a week. He's always enjoyed the trip (its an annual thing for last 8 years or so) and I really want him to go. First I think its good for married couples to have this time away...heart grows founder...second I think he needs to be away from societal pressures..work...bills...kids.. etc. So I am happy he is going. But now that he booked the plane ticket (this year being held in another state so the guys that always travel out here don't have to this year) he doesn't want to go. Well he does and he doesn't. So I asked him why?

He said he is afraid "something will happen". I asked what and he has no idea what :scratchhead: Is it with the kids, I asked...with my son this is a likely event last year he got scarlet fever while H gone, year before he fell off jungle gym didn't quite need stitches but pretty bad cut on his face butterflied...this year he is older more creative probably will try something even more crazy... but he said no that would happen with him here either way. He was worried that the progress we'd made would start all over.

I guess I understand this, its his insecurity as he put me through a lot and when I took a trip with my daughter last year (our equiv. of the men's camping trip) he was off with this other woman. I have plans to go out with the "girls" and I wondered if he thought we'd get to talking...male bashing  but he said no he knows I'm not like that. 

I seriously do not think he thinks I will do anything with another man because he knows that is definately not me, not in revenge not in any way. He said he has always known that about me and he is right. So I don't think that is it (plus I have 2 kids who has time?????)

I think its more of a time where I will be alone to think and that can be dangerous. But I've really hit that part where we are moving forward and it just hurts a lot less. I tried to tell him that he needs to go, I know he will have fun, I completely support him going and he needs to blow off steam. That I...and WE will be fine. But he's just not comfortable. 

So if anyone has been the "cheater" can you help me to understand this. Everyone else what are your thoughts? I actually do want him to be comfortable with going though I part of me is happy for his concern it means he is as committed to fixing this as I am but I think its good for our relationship to decompress. So your advice is appreciated!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You sure that the camping trip is a camping trip? You know, a completely "bull" session with the guys?

Or is it possible there is a side trip or an invited guest you do not know about?


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

Having been on your husband's side of things, I can see where he's coming from. I think he may be worried that you might start to wonder if he really is with just the guys on the trip, and might someday in the future accuse him of something he didn't do. I can see how that might be a fear of his, and by him not going, he doesn't risk any future accusation. 

It sounds like he's really been making an effort and that overall, your marriage is healing and getting better. You'd know better than I, but I don't get the sense that he is hiding anything from you anymore. I think he probably likes where your marriage is headed and is afraid of derailing the progress. I guess you could try assuring him that even if your mind goes places and starts thinking the worst, that you won't accuse him of anything, and that you also want the healing to keep going as it has been. But maybe if he really wants to stay home, let him. He is trying to be open and transparent and I think he might think this is just another way of doing that.


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## blindsided (Nov 29, 2008)

In my situation, two months after my husband's confession I was scheduled to go on a cruise. My siblings and I were taking our mom on a cruise to celebrate her 70th birthday. Well, I said I was going to cancel it, and my husband asked me not to. Needless to say, there were certainly thoughts of what he would do while I was gone (but taking care of our three kids without me around made that impossible, like you said). 

It turned out to be the best thing all around to helping us on the road to healing. I had the time of my life with my mom, brothers and sister (first time all of us had been together in many years, probably 20). I got a renewed sense of myself, and found my smile again. My husband missed me TERRIBLY....and it was apparent in his voice when I called, and in my reception when I got back. That was a turning point for us both in a BIG way.....

Since YOU are the offended party, and YOU want him to go, I think it could be a good thing for both of you.


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## T-Dub (Feb 2, 2009)

As long as its not a camping trip like "Deliverance" He should be ok!


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

You have to trust what he says if he is telling you that he doesnt want to go that he has a bad feeling then maybe he shouldnt go.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

sunflower said:


> You have to trust what he says if he is telling you that he doesnt want to go that he has a bad feeling then maybe he shouldnt go.


The sunshine kid is onto something here 

PS sunflower, Whenever you write, it's looks like the little kid your avatar is coming out with all this wisdom!


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

It is her she is a smart girl and she gives me the best advice anyone could offer LOL!!!


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

michzz said:


> You sure that the camping trip is a camping trip? You know, a completely "bull" session with the guys?
> 
> Or is it possible there is a side trip or an invited guest you do not know about?



Definately camping trip. This is annual event that is planned a year in advance. They take nothing but really old messed up clothes and stuff to blow up! These trips are video'd and played for everyone at Christmas. Its a crazy trip the boys take their guns, stuff to blow up, 4x4's, motorcycles the whole deal. Good clean (or dirty they don't shower) boy fun. They come home stinking, I send my H straight to the shower and have been known to throw away the clothing... 

Its usually held here but 2 of the guys are from Mississippi, one owns a 100 acre farm so last year he said he wanted to host. Its not actually camping this year they are staying at the house. But its literally in the boonies of Mississippi. The boys fly in to New Orleans (where 2 others are from) and are being picked up by the local guys and driven to the farm which is a maybe 4 hours. The guns-n-ammo is all getting shipped (but no blowing stuff up this year since its on private property. 

I have no doubt on this trip. Women are forbidden on this trip but there are a few kids (16 and up) so no chance they have any uninvited guests. The boys would not keep that from their mamas!


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Leahdorus said:


> Having been on your husband's side of things, I can see where he's coming from. I think he may be worried that you might start to wonder if he really is with just the guys on the trip, and might someday in the future accuse him of something he didn't do. I can see how that might be a fear of his, and by him not going, he doesn't risk any future accusation.
> 
> It sounds like he's really been making an effort and that overall, your marriage is healing and getting better. You'd know better than I, but I don't get the sense that he is hiding anything from you anymore. I think he probably likes where your marriage is headed and is afraid of derailing the progress. I guess you could try assuring him that even if your mind goes places and starts thinking the worst, that you won't accuse him of anything, and that you also want the healing to keep going as it has been. But maybe if he really wants to stay home, let him. He is trying to be open and transparent and I think he might think this is just another way of doing that.



This was really helpful to get your perspective and I think you are spot on. Thanks!


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

blindsided said:


> In my situation, two months after my husband's confession I was scheduled to go on a cruise. My siblings and I were taking our mom on a cruise to celebrate her 70th birthday. Well, I said I was going to cancel it, and my husband asked me not to. Needless to say, there were certainly thoughts of what he would do while I was gone (but taking care of our three kids without me around made that impossible, like you said).
> 
> It turned out to be the best thing all around to helping us on the road to healing. I had the time of my life with my mom, brothers and sister (first time all of us had been together in many years, probably 20). I got a renewed sense of myself, and found my smile again. My husband missed me TERRIBLY....and it was apparent in his voice when I called, and in my reception when I got back. That was a turning point for us both in a BIG way.....
> 
> Since YOU are the offended party, and YOU want him to go, I think it could be a good thing for both of you.



I was thinking so too. Also I haven't had a girls night out in a very long time. Since this all occurred I've made a lot of new friends and they are all mom's who need time off. I'm looking forward to just hanging out. Honestly don't know if we will go anywhere. If I can get my parents to sit might just stay here.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

T-Dub said:


> As long as its not a camping trip like "Deliverance" He should be ok!


:iagree:

I think Deliverance took place in Mississippi too! Actually I said that to him and he said "that's why I take my guns and 1000 rounds of ammo.


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