# Comparing destroyed my marriage



## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

My STBXW compares me with other family men. What I meant is that instead of focusing on my ability to provide best for my family, my STBXW will compare me with other men. If one family man buy a expensive gift for his wife then I'm the victim and if other family man takes his wife for vacation then again I'm compared with that man. So in-short, my ability of providing family life is always based on what other family men is doing. 

I told my wife to compare at the most with only one man & one family but not all the men who are our friends. I can't be all the men at one time.

Hope my question is clear. Honestly this comparing is the one which destroyed our family/married life. Any help how to handle these types of situations in future !!!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Since you posted on the infidelity section of TAM, I'm assuming there is more to your story?


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

That's toxic. She's basically saying you're not good enough in a passive aggressive manner. 

Imagine if you were to compare her to other mothers. Eg: So and so had two kids and she's still SOOOO hot! Or So and so has a career, is a mother, and is still so damn sexy! Or So and So bought her husband a new "fill in the blank" for Father's day.

You think that would go over well with her? Why is she comparing?

Maybe the answer is to tell her to marry the other guy if that is what turns her crank.


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

chapparal said:


> Since you posted on the infidelity section of TAM, I'm assuming there is more to your story?


My story is already in the TAM. In short my wife had an EA and now I'm working on dissecting the reason for EA. One major issue I found is that my STBXW is doing blameshifting. Now she thinks our marriage to start itself was a disaster. And one of the prime reason I found is that I've been compared with different men for providing the basic life necessity and I was so busy meeting her material needs that emotional needs got neglected. I want to avoid this in future.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Blameshifting, that makes it all your fault. Sounds like a dash of gaslighting too. Thats when they tell you stuff you know isn't true to make you doubt yourself.

Has she always put you down?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

The old rationalization hamster working overtime.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

The re-writing of marital history is a characteristic of a WS. It gives them a reason for their infidelity. Sounds like your wife is extremely self centered and selfish. Another characteristic...


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

Cedarman said:


> That's toxic. She's basically saying you're not good enough in a passive aggressive manner.
> 
> Imagine if you were to compare her to other mothers. Eg: So and so had two kids and she's still SOOOO hot! Or So and so has a career, is a mother, and is still so damn sexy! Or So and So bought her husband a new "fill in the blank" for Father's day.
> 
> ...


Yes, I found this to be tooooo toxic and I told her many times in polite manner not to compare me with different family men. And I also know that her friends have bad marriage but they portrait a rosy picture of their family life to my STBXW. This comparison has come to such a extent that I started tit-for-tat tactic which is against my nature and ultimately destroyed the family by STBXW having EA. But I don't know how and what to tell her to stop comparing !!!


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

How to avoid it in the future. Choose a woman who has character and a strong moral compass. Your STBXW has neither.

I hate the word "needs". Replace it with "wants" and you have the solution. "Want" is a selfish word. Selfishness is a one way ticket to unhappiness. They can never have enough stuff or enough love from one person.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

The only time my STBXW compared me to other husbands is when she was trying to justify her GNO's with her toxic girlfriends. And it turned out all of her toxic friends were seperated/divorced/having affairs - so the "husbands" were all a fabrication.

Comparing is toxic at any level. For the person doing the comparing - if the grass is always greener there is an easy solution: Hop the fence.


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

chapparal said:


> Blameshifting, that makes it all your fault. Sounds like a dash of gaslighting too. Thats when they tell you stuff you know isn't true to make you doubt yourself.
> 
> Has she always put you down?


Yes, I was always been put down. Once her material needs were met, her take was that I always care about finances but not about love. All the material needs have loan which needs to be repaid that was what keeping me busy, trying to repay. We had rough life to start from 2000 mainly because of general economic, jobless, newly married etc. Instead of taking that as a good life experience my STBXW thinks that life in-general with me was a disaster to start with and then starts comparing with other couple/family.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Just a woman's perspective here... Sometimes women say things like to their SO to hint at things they would like in the relationship...

However, I agree the comparison thing is pretty hurtful. My husband does this to me (even comparing me to people HE doesn't even know)!! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

John2012 said:


> Honestly this comparing is the one which destroyed our family/married life. Any help how to handle these types of situations in future !!!


First a thought... “What screws us up most in life is the picture in our heads of how it’s supposed to be”

Your allowing her to determine how your supposed to be and your measuring your self worth against her 'supposed to be'.

My advice is to change your mindset. It's all wrong. 

The comparing didn't destroy anything. The same way a gun doesn't murder people. The person pulling the trigger does. 

The comparisons are the gun, She points them at you and pulls the trigger. The problem is not with you, or the gun.

Your Ok, She's what's broken.


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> Just a woman's perspective here... Sometimes women say things like to their SO to hint at things they would like in the relationship...
> 
> However, I agree the comparison thing is pretty hurtful. My husband does this to me (even comparing me to people HE doesn't even know)!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm fine with comparison, she knows my limitations. What really hurts me is that the comparison is always with the families who are well to do and who have worked hard to come to that position. And I've been compared with so many men, every man has some good qualities, I can't bring all the good qualities of all the men in me and start satisfying my STBXW demands. 

She will never compare me with the people on that other spectrum, I mean, we've family friends, where men are too selfish or the man works in other cities and visits his family only during weekends.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Time to just say, "Yup. That guy is really awesome." (In a sincere, not spiteful, tone) the next time she makes a comparison. Then just act like the comparison never happened.

It'll probably irk her something good... But if she wants or needs something she needs to frame in that context instead of comparing you to everyone else. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

She sounds like one of those people who are so miserable with their lot in life that NOTHING will ever be enough to make them happy.
They're so busy looking for that elusive unicorn, they can't relate to real life.
Real life is ugly, it's messy & it's also beautiful & absolutely amazing, it is what you make of it.
If she can't or won't see what you have done for the two of you, then you're better off without her.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

John2012 said:


> I'm fine with comparison, she knows my limitations. What really hurts me is that the comparison is always with the families who are well to do and who have worked hard to come to that position. And I've been compared with so many men, every man has some good qualities, I can't bring all the good qualities of all the men in me and start satisfying my STBXW demands.


Open your eyes my friend. Its a moving target John, if you did have ALL the qualities of all of these men... the bar would just move again.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

So the husband who doubles down and works to bring in more money will then just as likely find out the wife is banging the landscaper, personal trainer or some young kid complaining that you are not there for her.

Indeed though to some extent trying to find that balance is tough for any spouse.

I have not looked at your other thread(s). This post makes me wonder how long ago the affair was, is it really over and was it really just an EA. Not piling on here.

You know at some point you could just tell her that you need to move on knowing you are an awesome loving husband and need to find a partner who is willing to attack life's challenges together.

So how much money does she bring in? How many vacations has she paid for? What gifts has she brought to you her husband? Just point out to her that better wives than her remain faithful and that that is way more important than vacations and gifts and so on. She seems to be very entitled, all that and a bag of chips. Noi doubt you have enabled her but that is what we do when we love someone no holds barred. You were ALL-IN. A virtue of a good husband. It is risky though when the one we love is not worthy of this.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

John2012 said:


> My STBXW compares me with other family men.


Why do you care what she thinks? 

Why do you care what someone else thinks?

Who gives a F what others think about you?



If you try to keep others happy/satisfied before yourself, you'll never be enough for them and always fail. Be a little selfish and stop caring about what your wife thinks about you.


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Open your eyes my friend. Its a moving target John, if you did have ALL the qualities of all of these men... the bar would just move again.


I was just replying to YinPrincess post about woman's perspective here... "Sometimes women say things like to their SO to hint at things they would like in the relationship...".

I don't mind getting hints about what they need in a relationship but degrading me and then trying to get what she wants is the one which caused all this damage to my marriage.


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

keko said:


> Why do you care what she thinks?
> 
> Why do you care what someone else thinks?
> 
> ...


The problem with me is that I'm not a thick-skin guy especially when other ladies were hurting my wife's feelings. Somewhere I felt that it's indirect way of targeting me. At this stage, I don't care but in the past I took those comments seriously to the point of getting angry/upset.


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> So the husband who doubles down and works to bring in more moeny will then just as likely find out the wife is banging the landscaper, personal trainer or some young kid complaining that you are not their for her.
> 
> Indeed though to some extent trying to fins that balance is tough for any spouse.
> 
> ...


She is well qualified woman. She had her roller-coaster ride getting settled in her career for which she worked hard. It’s almost a year that she found a job which she liked and she makes ok money. I was the one who was supporting her at the cost of my career and my ambition so that as a life-partner we both can settle down well. The fact that she reminds me of past roller-coaster ride and still compares with other family members especially men hurts me to the core. And at the end blames me for her EA as well as for the failure of the marriage.

She had seen her father and brother’s life. Her father/brother married life is also very moderate success with their own highs and lows but for her the marriage is more of a contract then a commitment. So I’m here to fulfill her dreams/fantasy and yet she is not happy. 

Yes, I enabled her because of the sharp-tongue she uses and because I was too sensitive to those sharp-comments and of-course because I loved her.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

John2012 said:


> She is well qualified woman. She had her roller-coaster ride getting settled in her career for which she worked hard. It’s almost a year that she found a job which she liked and she makes ok money. I was the one who was supporting her at the cost of my career and my ambition so that as a life-partner we both can settle down well. The fact that she reminds me of past roller-coaster ride and still compares with other family members especially men hurts me to the core. And at the end blames me for her EA as well as for the failure of the marriage.
> 
> She had seen her father and brother’s life. Her father/brother married life is also very moderate success with their own highs and lows but for her the marriage is more of a contract then a commitment. So I’m here to fulfill her dreams/fantasy and yet she is not happy.
> 
> Yes, I enabled her because of the sharp-tongue she uses and because I was too sensitive to those sharp-comments and of-course because I loved her.


Tell her that she needs to be woman enough for you to forgive her. It is on her to step up and prove she values you. That you are willing to do your part but you succeed or fail as a team.


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

Phenix70 said:


> She sounds like one of those people who are so miserable with their lot in life that NOTHING will ever be enough to make them happy.
> They're so busy looking for that elusive unicorn, they can't relate to real life.
> Real life is ugly, it's messy & it's also beautiful & absolutely amazing, it is what you make of it.
> If she can't or won't see what you have done for the two of you, then you're better off without her.


One of the classic example I can give is that, we had a small economy car and once she told me "some men like to treat their wife like princess and so they buy big cars". That triggered me and I got an SUV...and yet she had an EA saying that I'm busy with day to day work but no love !!! Too unhappy and she won't ever see what I've done for both except seeing the negative aspect of the life-journey !!!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Open your eyes my friend. Its a moving target John, if you did have ALL the qualities of all of these men... the bar would just move again.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Well if you want to play the nuclear game, you could tell her that those wives are better at this or that, look better, don't complain to their husbands, treat their husband like a human being, etc...

Or you could be the bigger person and tell her she can marry those guys and you can find a woman who'll respect and love you for who you are and what you can provide.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

John2012 said:


> One of the classic example I can give is that, we had a small economy car and once she told me "some men like to treat their wife like princess and so they buy big cars". That triggered me and I got an SUV...and yet she had an EA saying that I'm busy with day to day work but no love !!! Too unhappy and she won't ever see what I've done for both except seeing the negative aspect of the life-journey !!!


Ah, your wife knew how to push your buttons & used that to manipulate you.
I suspect that with her passive aggressive nature, all it took for you to do want to what she wanted was her to say something off hand, BUT it was never off hand for her in reality. 
I hope that you have learned to recognize when she is trying to set you up & not fall for her BS any longer.


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## husbandfool (May 20, 2012)

Comparing against other people is never a good way to motivate. You are left feeling like you are constantly being given the white glove treatment. 

Does she ever compare you to others in a complimentary way? If not, this becomes very toxic.

It sounds like she is the type of person who will never be happy ... the glass is half-empty type. Also, a negative personality. 
In the future be aware of negative people. They tend to suck the energy from you, in a slow, steady fashion. Surround yourself with positive people and you will be much happier. Be positive yourself and many will appreciate you.


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

One option to consider...

What would life be like for you if you divorced her? Your life sounds miserable. I think you have to stick up for yourself a bit more. When she's being a royal bi-ch give her a **** test of your own. Tell her you are done and you want a divorce.. Clearly she will not back down at that point as she doesn't think you have any balls. So then go file and act like you're resigned. Tell her you have nothing left in you for her. you're love has turned to resentment and she can take responsibility for her own happiness now. It may just be the catalyst you need for her to change... or sweet sweet freedom. 

Husbandfool makes a great point. Go find or be with friends that build you up not tear you down. Spend more time with them and less with your wife ... I think I need to take this advice myself lol


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

It's just not healthy to be so dependent on the validation of other people.. particularly so dependent on one particular person that does not have the character to handle their power over you unselfishly and with restraint.


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

“Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.” - Abraham Lincoln


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

Phenix70 said:


> Ah, your wife knew how to push your buttons & used that to manipulate you.
> I suspect that with her passive aggressive nature, all it took for you to do want to what she wanted was her to say something off hand, BUT it was never off hand for her in reality.
> I hope that you have learned to recognize when she is trying to set you up & not fall for her BS any longer.


My WW has been pampered a lot, she is a trophy daughter/sister and so she become trophy wife. As a pampered kid, she learned that by manipulation she can get what she wants. In-fact, she herself claims manipulation as excessive compulsive disorder which she has. I was ok with this manipulation as long as material items were concern because overall it was good for the family but when she went after OM, that’s too much for me to forgive, that shows that she has taken her manipulation disease to the highest level. 

The more closely I observe her, the more I find that she is unhappy, very very unhappy soul.. that is the reason she always goes after material happiness or trying to go for what she doesn’t have !!! Always comparing her material standard against other families. Her life is fake, she lives in a fake world. In-spite of knowing that real happiness is very much available in the day-to-day life, she is in-search of elusive unicorn.


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

husbandfool said:


> Does she ever compare you to others in a complimentary way? If not, this becomes very toxic.
> 
> It sounds like she is the type of person who will never be happy ... the glass is half-empty type. Also, a negative personality.


Your quote about compliment made me feel very sad, because I realized that this was missing in my married life.

She never compared me to others in a complimentary way, that appreciation is missing. Maybe that is the reason even though she raised her expectation bar, I always wanted to satisfy her with a notion that she will compliment me sometime !!!

When my friends bought town-house, I went for single-family house...of-course she helped me with the house-search...still no compliment !!! When my friends had 5 sitter SUV, I got 7 sitter, best in the market SUV, no compliment !!! I helped her achieve her career goal, no compliment !!! oh the list goes on and on....my energy is sucked !!!


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

HappyHubby said:


> “Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.” - Abraham Lincoln


This statement rings perfect bell in my ears. When OM was in the picture my WW had the complete power over me because she was ready to jump the ship, so she treated me like a POS, and that shows her character when she had power !!! Pure selfish, self-observed, self-centered woman and always about her her her needs.


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

HappyHubby said:


> One option to consider...
> 
> What would life be like for you if you divorced her? Your life sounds miserable. I think you have to stick up for yourself a bit more. When she's being a royal bi-ch give her a **** test of your own. Tell her you are done and you want a divorce.. Clearly she will not back down at that point as she doesn't think you have any balls. So then go file and act like you're resigned. Tell her you have nothing left in you for her. you're love has turned to resentment and she can take responsibility for her own happiness now. It may just be the catalyst you need for her to change... or sweet sweet freedom.
> 
> Husbandfool makes a great point. Go find or be with friends that build you up not tear you down. Spend more time with them and less with your wife ... I think I need to take this advice myself lol


This is true statement for me now:

"My love for her has turned to resentment and she can take responsibility for her own happiness now". And I also know, she can't be happy ever because she doesn't know what happiness means !!!


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I think our relationships, including close relationships are always comparing us to others whether they are obvious or not. 

I feel my mother likes to compare me to other women my age and then brings it up in the indirect way of "How is she" even though she knows I'm not friends with that person and have no reason to see her.

With my exH, this went on as well given his one sided EA with the wife of one of his friends. So I was in the feminine version of this...where we got married while he was swimming in student loans and the consulting firm that he worked for went under. So yea, I was helping to pay the bills... while he simply turned around and used the extra money to take his friends out. The wife of whom was so much fun and carefree and I was serious and careful. 

I vowed never to put myself in that position again. 

and so I found myself in a similar situation with my fiance. He was critcising me for three things and when I read the texts between him and his EA, she was guilty of that kind of behavior as well. So yes, we've had some talks about these things and he has apologised, agreed that she was no better and will not do again in the future. I am hoping that I have hassled him enough about these things that he realises the payback for doing so is too painful.

So what I have come to believe is that when others critcise me for something that just doesn't make sense to me, they are effectively demonising me to justify whatever actions that are taking or may take in the future. 

And I've learned how to opt out early on with things like "well, there's no pleasing you, is there." Opting out sooner than later really takes the fun out of these games and puts them on notice.

As far as tit for tat, that can work with certain people. I think it works best with those who are still in with the relationship and have just gotten a little off track at the moment. Tit for tat with someone who is already on the way out is not going to work to keep the relationship together, but it's worth doing just to remind that person that no one is perfect.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

John,

I know what you are going thru.

My wife did that all the time. She would compare with a wealthy neighbour, more handsome man, a henpecked household. And what not.

This went on for about 15 years. Then, one day, I said, I want to compare you with other beautiful women, more successful women, more educated women...

Then, more conflicts ensued, one day in May 2009, she got angry, and spilled the beans of her EA.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Comparing destroys everything.
You cant compare your kid with some other kid.
You cant compare your spouse with others.

This is petty.


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> The wife of whom was so much fun and carefree and I was serious and careful.
> 
> I vowed never to put myself in that position again.
> 
> .


How you managed never to put yourself in that position? Are you now more fun and carefree or still serious and careful?

In my case, I'm balanced with fun as well as serious stuff. I get lot of external validation for my sense of humor and other talents. The only thing my WW talked about OM is that he doesn't have much drive in life and he laughs and eats!!! Whereas in-fact it was my WW who by comparing and constantly putting me under pressure had changed my humor to serious life.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

John2012 said:


> How you managed never to put yourself in that position? Are you now more fun and carefree or still serious and careful?
> 
> In my case, I'm balanced with fun as well as serious stuff. I get lot of external validation for my sense of humor and other talents. The only thing my WW talked about OM is that he doesn't have much drive in life and he laughs and eats!!! Whereas in-fact it was my WW who by comparing and constantly putting me under pressure had changed my humor to serious life.


I've learned that that wild eyed behavior doesn't work for me. And ironically, when I had a talk with my exH about this woman and my fiance about his EA, they both told me that that "wild" beahvior of the OW was not what they wanted anyway. I think we all know that sometimes as BPs, it's very difficult to have an honest and productive conversation.

One thing I learned in a communication course was to raise the level of conversation which is why "there's no pleasing you" works when someone is constantly picking at you. you refuse to get in the trenches with them.

One thing I reminded myself with my fiance is that I am making at least 2 sacrifices for him -- that is, being exclusive and coordinating my free time with him. That means, there is no f*cking way that any other woman is going to get better treatment from my fiance than I do. And also, from my prior experience, it's better to set the ground rules before marriage ...when he's rushing me to that alter than afterwards when I have to suck it up.

I'm not sure what to advise you, because my relationships have played out the traditional gender roles. The guy makes more money than the woman and so on..... Naturally, asking me to cover the cost of a date while I turn up info that shows he was perfectly happy to cover everything with his "just a friend" ex was a very material issue and also very clear cut in many ways. ..... she was already f*cking another guy and he knew it. and guess what, he admits that she even compared his performance in bed with the new guy that she was dating..... why my fiance wasn't turned off by that, I don't know. Sorry but at the risk of a brief highjack, maybe someone can explain it to me. PM me ,even.

In any case, John2012, my advice at least in the future is when your partner critcises you for something or directly compares you to someone else, maybe give it some thought and decide whether you want to make changes. But if you decide that there is no merit in the criticism, then you need to shut down discusssion of it completely. and if it pops back up, perhaps that's red flag for the beginning of the end.


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