# What do I do from here?



## Feelingbad12 (Jan 6, 2016)

Last year I found a hair on my husband's underwear that I don't think could be mine. Also things that could be circumstantial like horizontal scratches on his back and a vibration app on his phone. I am so stressed and think he might have had an affair. He says he will take a polygraph test to prove he didn't. I am really afraid that he did and is lying. I have never been a trusting girlfriend or wife so it is hard for me to believe or have much faith in men. Should I have him take the test? Sorry but this is bothering me so much.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

If it's bothering you enough to cause problems in the marriage and he is willing to take the poly, then yes! Either you'll discover he did have an affair and you'll be able to decide what you want to do or you'll discover that he didn't have an affair and can work on repairing the damage suspicion may have done.


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## Feelingbad12 (Jan 6, 2016)

Thank you for responding! I feel like a broken record about the lie detector test I swear.


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## Feelingbad12 (Jan 6, 2016)

Am I right to be suspicious? I guess that's the real question I should have asked.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Feelingbad12 said:


> Am I right to be suspicious? I guess that's the real question I should have asked.


Based on what you've said so far, it's not evidence at all.

Scratches are scratches. An app may have been something he was fiddling with. 

What else makes you suspicious? What is your gut saying? Have you always been suspicious of him? Of every man in any relationship? Or is this new?


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

not much to go on, OP.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

What is a vibration app and what would it be used for?
Honestly, the other stuff wouldn't be enough for me to keep pressing.


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## Feelingbad12 (Jan 6, 2016)

A vibrator app. I have always been suspicious in relationships. The one time I wasn't I was engaged and he left me for another woman and now I feel like I'm hypervigilant. But I feel like why would you have had a vibrator app if you aren't using it on someone. Gross I know but still.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Feelingbad12 said:


> A vibrator app. I have always been suspicious in relationships. The one time I wasn't I was engaged and he left me for another woman and now I feel like I'm hypervigilant. But I feel like why would you have had a vibrator app if you aren't using it on someone. Gross I know but still.


Too little to go on to demand a poly.

If my wife demanded one based on this evidence and I was innocent, I'd probably pass it, then pack my bags.

But that's me.


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## D1C (Aug 29, 2015)

If you've never been a trusting gf or wife, what's the test going to do? Give you peace of mind until you find something else to be bothered about? 

If he's never done anything and you don't trust him, you probably never will.


If I was him, I'd probably leave you.


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## Feelingbad12 (Jan 6, 2016)

I appreciate your honesty. I love my husband very much I just don't want to be duped so anything that strikes me as strange puts me on high alert.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Feelingbad12 said:


> A vibrator app. I have always been suspicious in relationships. The one time I wasn't I was engaged and he left me for another woman and now I feel like I'm hypervigilant. But I feel like why would you have had a vibrator app if you aren't using it on someone. Gross I know but still.


Let me get this straight. The one time that you weren't suspicious was when he left you for another woman. You were engaged then. You proceeded to marry your husband after he left you. Can you narrate your circumstance that led you to marry him anyway?


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## Feelingbad12 (Jan 6, 2016)

No way! I didn't marry him this is a totally different guy!


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## Feelingbad12 (Jan 6, 2016)

I should have been more clear! My ex was long gone when I met my husband now.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Feelingbad12 said:


> I should have been more clear! My ex was long gone when I met my husband now.


I'd say you're overreacting at the moment. Doesn't mean nothing ever happened, but you've got nothing to go on at the moment.

I would back off him, and not demand the poly. You can satisfy yourself by checking his phone messages. If you're really worried, recover deleted ones. 

It may be the case you need some individual counseling. This sounds like it's an irrational fear, but that's just my advice.


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## Lots to Learn (Aug 21, 2015)

What's your gut tell you? Has he appeared detached lately? How's the sex life? How is he with his phone?

We need more here to give you feedback.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I don't think any of this is enough to freak out over. 

How is your relationship otherwise? I am assuming he knows your ex left you for another woman and may have trust issues.

Can you calmly sit down and talk to him about your trust issues and maybe let him know you need some reassurance? See if he willingly offers his phone, access to his "private" stuff?

A hair is nothing. People come in close contact with other people all the time. My hair falls out all the time. Something as simple as me leaning over a coworkers desk to show them sonething on their computer could be enough to transfer a hair to their clothes. Depending on their movements the rest of the day it could end up in their underwear easily. Maybe he hugged his mom? Do you have a daughter?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Feelingbad12 (Jan 6, 2016)

Our sex life is pretty steady. His phone habits haven't changed, he brings it most everywhere but I can and do still check it. He knows I check it though. I have brought a lot of insecurities in and it's annoying to him but he handles it ok. I hate living my life like a spy detective all the time waiting for the bottom to drop. We don't have kids so it wouldn't have been a kids hair.


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## Feelingbad12 (Jan 6, 2016)

It's hard with my gut because I feel like I don't trust it. When my ex was cheating I didn't find a hair or anything he just acted so different and detached. I had no evidence except his behavior. When he was cheating I literally did not think he was. I knew something was wrong but he would never cheat. It didn't even cross my mind. Of course he was. So now I just feel like I can't relax ever. Like something is going on all the time.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Welcome to TAM my lady.

My personal opinion is that your husband is not cheating on you. He told you he was ready for poly. He dont have any paswords on his phone,e-mail and stuff like that.

Be careful what you do,because you have almost no evidence and you can hurt your husband really bad.

Also one more thing. Reading your posts about ex-fiance and the way you broke with him it seems to me you never healed.

Dont use this history on your marriage. Your husband was not that guy and he deserves better.

This can hurt your marrige pretty bad,so you should think about talking with someone. Tell your husband about this or find yourself a therapist.

If you still want to be sure then go for polly,but be prepared to apologize to your husband .


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## Feelingbad12 (Jan 6, 2016)

Thank you for responding. All of you. I agree I haven't really healed from my past relationship. I have done some counseling but I really wish I had gone in the aftermath of my ex before I tried dating again. I go into deep depressions and anxiety attacks and they have been horrible.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

The hair could have got on his underwear from using the work bathroom or on him somewhere else like shirt or something and got n his underwear when he got undressed. The vibrating app would not bother me, I always have my phone on vibrate as I hate to hear it go off. 

If his work pattern has not changed as in saying he is working late but his paycheck does not show it, going out with friends more etc.


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

You can take him up on the poly and spend some money that way. 

When you figure out what the reliability of polys is, your doubts will spring up all over again.

If you are going gadgets, think phone, voice activated recorder (VAR) and keyloggers. They are much cheaper and reliable.


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## tpdallas (Aug 28, 2015)

It's not a lot of evidence.

If he volunteers to take a polygraph then that's one thing.

But if my spouse asked me and I know I didn't cheat, I'd file for divorce. 

I'd rather be single than in a relationship with someone I don't trust or who does not trust me.

But that's just me. Some women believe being married makes them better than other women. They just want the title of wife so bad, no matter the cost


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Feelingbad - This link may help you view your SO in a better light.

Unbearable Lessons - The Forgiven Wife

My wife was cheated on in a prior relationship. Her accusations against me hurt. If your SO is faithful, accusations can be like getting stabbed with a knife. Enough cuts and it will bleed your relationship to death.


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## Feelingbad12 (Jan 6, 2016)

Frazzled, I read that and wanted to cry. Thank you for that post I heavily relate to it. And


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Feelingbad12 said:


> Frazzled, I read that and wanted to cry. Thank you for that post I heavily relate to it. And


It may help to have your husband read that same link, then hug him and tell him you will work hard on separating the past from your present. 

Best wishes,

ps - I originally sent that link to my wife, as I could tell she was viewing me in the same light as past men in her life.

She sent me a email from her work after reading it, saying how sorry she was. She does not say sorry very often, so I know it got thru to her. Her saying sorry helped me immensely.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

@Feelingbad12 how are you? How are the things at the house ?

I would be mad if my gf. accused me of cheating and I would seriously think about our relationship.

Dont let your past hurt your marriage. Tell this to your husband,dont feel ashamed or anything like that. He is your best friend and I belive he is going to be a good suport to you. 

Once you put this behind you,your marriage will be stronger. Your ex-fiance is not worth of your marriage,so dont even think about him. He is ex after all. 

Are you in any contact with him ? Is he living near you ? 

If you still have that feeling in your gut that he is cheating on you then go for polly,search his phone,mail and buy VAR. It is only around 30-40 euros but you will find the truth.

I have to warn you. If you decide to do this and you find out your husband is a good one,then you have to move Earth and mountains and apologize to him. 

Stay strong my lady.


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## Feelingbad12 (Jan 6, 2016)

Things are ok at the house. It's a cycle but the anxiety cycles are becoming much longer. I feel like I live in fear all the time. He's a very relaxed person and I'm not obviously. My ex lives kind of near us but isn't in my life at all. My h handles the cycles relatively well. He is very attractive and funny. I don't want to do a VAR because I feel like my anxiety would skyrocket and I would become obsessed with that. It's just hard. I can't let him in.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Feelingbad12 said:


> Things are ok at the house. It's a cycle but the anxiety cycles are becoming much longer. I feel like I live in fear all the time. He's a very relaxed person and I'm not obviously. My ex lives kind of near us but isn't in my life at all. My h handles the cycles relatively well. He is very attractive and funny. I don't want to do a VAR because I feel like my anxiety would skyrocket and I would become obsessed with that. It's just hard. I can't let him in.


Everyone has to deal with varying amounts of anxiety, etc. May not totally fit, but here's another link - This Not-So-Fine Funk - The Forgiven Wife

If ya can't tell, I have found many of the articles written by this lady help me understand my wife better.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

You're worrying about what some would say, is nothing. The problem is you feel that you're not sure that it's nothing. Because of who you are(higher anxiety prone) and what you've already been through(with your ex).

Worrying never changed anything is easier said than done.

You've said that your Husband this(Your anxiety) before, so he already knows that you sometimes start to worry more than the need be. Maybe you could explain to him that you've been having these feelings that his thoughts as of late might be of someone else. That you're not accusing him of anything, but these feelings aren't going away, no matter how hard you've tried.

Then tell him that if he ever got to the point where he did start thinking of someone else, to just let you know. That if the day ever came when he was having those thoughts and he may even want to leave, it would break your heart, but you'd eventually get over it. However, if he ever left you for someone else without a for warning... The word devastating would come close to covering how you would then feel.

Believe me, I know full well how the latter feels. My ex left me about a year before I ever had a thought that there was something wrong. Not saying goodbye when leaving is one thing, but never even letting you know that they've already left...


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## Feelingbad12 (Jan 6, 2016)

My ex did that to me. It was like a switch and he was gone. It completely devastated me as he was with the other woman and I had no idea at that time. It just killed me. He was gone like that. Like I meant absolutely nothing.


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## Feelingbad12 (Jan 6, 2016)

Frazzled- yet another good link!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

OliviaG said:


> Do I understand correctly that your husband has an app on his phone that controls a vibrating sex toy? And that you and he do not own the vibrating sex toy that it controls?
> 
> If that's the case, then I think your husband has some explaining to do. Mine would. I can't imagine any acceptable explanation for this. Can you?


I thought it was an app to make the phone vibrate?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Feelingbad12 (Jan 6, 2016)

No. It's not an app to control a toy. It's a vibrator app like for a girl. To turn your phone into a vibrator.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

My lady you have to deal with this. 

It is going to eat you and can do a little harm to you and your marriage. 

Talk with your husband or find a good therapist. If you still feel you cant do it then talk with your verry good friend or sister,mother,brother. 

About phone- I always put my phone to vibrate and I think she was talking about this.

I hope it is not the other way.

Stay strong.


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## Feelingbad12 (Jan 6, 2016)

I know that is why I'm stressed. Like why would you have that app? It's a really stupid app but he said he doesn't remember and that he probably put it on his phone to see what it was. It was on his deleted apps. Not an active app.


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## Feelingbad12 (Jan 6, 2016)

It's called relax vibrator app. ?????


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I personally don't think you're overreacting. The app is a huge red flag. His explanation, such as it is, is not at all convincing.


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## Feelingbad12 (Jan 6, 2016)

And one time he put his phone on me vibrating (I was fully clothed) but I was like ewwww get that off me. Idk if it was that app or if his phone was ringing but I remember that clearly.


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## Feelingbad12 (Jan 6, 2016)

Yes it's free.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

If you are talking about what I think you are then you should not worry.

Some people use it to relax them. I see it in the Hospital all the time.


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## Feelingbad12 (Jan 6, 2016)

Alte Dame what do you think then? It was from a year ago and I can't let it go. Polygraph?


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## Feelingbad12 (Jan 6, 2016)

What? Relax from a phone vibrator?


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## Feelingbad12 (Jan 6, 2016)

But I don't know if it was that app vibrating or if someone was calling or what I wish I had paid attention but I was like grossed out.


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## Feelingbad12 (Jan 6, 2016)

I should add that I checked the phone records from that time and came up with nada.


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## Feelingbad12 (Jan 6, 2016)

Thanks Olivia. I hate being this way but I am hypervigilant. I wish we could all just know if and when something has or is happening. I hate having so much doubt. Even checking phone records - there are still so many ways to communicate. It just sucks.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

OK. I will try to explain this as best as I could. English is not my first or second language.

You download this app. for free on your mobile phone and you have three options there. Like slow-medium and high.

Some people can use it on their knee or thigh to relax them,because it relax their muscle,but it could be used like a "sex toy" if you are enough kinky. :O

Now is this the same app. you are talking about ?


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## Feelingbad12 (Jan 6, 2016)

Yes. It's the same but I would think if he downloaded it for his muscles or something he would have just said so.


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## Feelingbad12 (Jan 6, 2016)

I guess but I'm still very wary. Because it could have been used for another girl


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

If it works for muscles I could use the damn thing! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Yes it could be used for another girl,maybe YOU. He tried it on you 

I think you have nothing to worry about my lady. 

This is my third time saying you have to come clean with your ex. You are going to hurt your marriage,your husband and yourself.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> If it works for muscles I could use the damn thing!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Well I work in the Pediatric Hospital and if you are pregnant or just give a birth to little baby It will help you hahahaah. 

Vibrating sounds all night 

Download is around 2mb. so go for it.


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## Feelingbad12 (Jan 6, 2016)

Thank you. You are all so nice to respond and have caring advice. I know I am hurting my marriage and I am hurting inside so badly too.


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## Feelingbad12 (Jan 6, 2016)

Oh and Matt matt it was so lame. I don't think you could get off on it or help your muscles.


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## Feelingbad12 (Jan 6, 2016)

Olivia I don't want to hurt my marriage, I am trying to protect myself. He does know I don't trust him. It just sucks so bad. I don't want to find out years later that he cheated and feel dumb. Again (ex). I know I can't control him or the future etc. I just feel so helpless and jealous of other people in trusting relationships that if anything comes up strange it means that he cheated and is lying and I'm in the dark again. Being played.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Feelingbad12 said:


> Oh and Matt matt it was so lame. I don't think you could get off on it or help your muscles.


In that case I will just stay with my wife's therapy. 

Yes it IS lucky to be married to a trained therapist and nurse. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Feelingbad12 said:


> Olivia I don't want to hurt my marriage, I am trying to protect myself. He does know I don't trust him. It just sucks so bad. I don't want to find out years later that he cheated and feel dumb. Again (ex). I know I can't control him or the future etc. I just feel so helpless and jealous of other people in trusting relationships that if anything comes up strange it means that he cheated and is lying and I'm in the dark again. Being played.


I think you need some therapy. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Feelingbad12 said:


> Olivia I don't want to hurt my marriage, I am trying to protect myself. He does know I don't trust him. It just sucks so bad. I don't want to find out years later that he cheated and feel dumb. Again (ex). I know I can't control him or the future etc. I just feel so helpless and jealous of other people in trusting relationships that if anything comes up strange it means that he cheated and is lying and I'm in the dark again. Being played.



You said "you dont want to hurt your marriage" but you are doing it my Lady.

Just put yourself in your husband shoes and ask yourself how would you feel ?

Talk,talk and more talk with your husband.

Let the EX stay in the past. He caused you pain - you are hurting your husband and your husband have noone to talk with.

If you continue to do this you will push him away belive me.


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## Feelingbad12 (Jan 6, 2016)

Be smart said:


> Feelingbad12 said:
> 
> 
> > Olivia I don't want to hurt my marriage, I am trying to protect myself. He does know I don't trust him. It just sucks so bad. I don't want to find out years later that he cheated and feel dumb. Again (ex). I know I can't control him or the future etc. I just feel so helpless and jealous of other people in trusting relationships that if anything comes up strange it means that he cheated and is lying and I'm in the dark again. Being played.
> ...


Thank you. I will talk to my husband again maybe at some point I will be able to let this go.


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## Feelingbad12 (Jan 6, 2016)

OliviaG said:


> Feelingbad12 said:
> 
> 
> > Olivia I don't want to hurt my marriage, I am trying to protect myself. He does know I don't trust him. It just sucks so bad. I don't want to find out years later that he cheated and feel dumb. Again (ex). I know I can't control him or the future etc. I just feel so helpless and jealous of other people in trusting relationships that if anything comes up strange it means that he cheated and is lying and I'm in the dark again. Being played.
> ...


I have tried some therapy. It didn't really help. But yes it would be so wonderful to feel free.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Feelingbad12 said:


> My ex did that to me. It was like a switch and he was gone. It completely devastated me as he was with the other woman and I had no idea at that time. It just killed me. He was gone like that. Like I meant absolutely nothing.


Feelingbad - I know you have a lot on your plate, but in reading your posts, it reminds me of my wife. Here is my story - http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/204514-what-do-i-do-am-i-unreasonable.html

We will have our 30th anniversary this year. My wife was so abused by her POS football jock boyfriend that 27 years later it came to a head where I said "You need to deal with this or we are DONE!"

Your husband can be faithful, the most easy going supportive person, but listen to me. My wife's POS bf cheated on her. I would end up worrying if traffic delayed me from getting home because I would get interrogated about why I was late getting home from work.

This wears on a person, builds resentment. Sometimes, it got so bad the thought crossed my mind "If I'm not trusted, I might as well cheat". I NEVER DID, NEVER PLAN TO. That is not me, but being under attack all the time is going to drive him away.

ps - read the posts I received, some of them contain very good points.


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## Feelingbad12 (Jan 6, 2016)

Frazzled I'm going to read your post I'm glad you stayed with your wife and remained faithful! I can obviously understand what abuse or cheating does to a person and their views and self worth.


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## Feelingbad12 (Jan 6, 2016)

I tried to click on it but it won't go to the post.??


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## Feelingbad12 (Jan 6, 2016)

And huge congratulations to 30 years!!!!


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Feelingbad12 said:


> I tried to click on it but it won't go to the post.??


Works for me : http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/204514-what-do-i-do-am-i-unreasonable.html

I am on it


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Did it open in a new browser window?


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## Feelingbad12 (Jan 6, 2016)

I couldn't get it to work but I did find it by clicking on your picture. How awful that boyfriend was. I wish that people would have to feel the hurt they cause others. Did she come around? Get through what that boyfriend did?


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> Did it open in a new browser window?


Yes it did.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Feelingbad12 said:


> I couldn't get it to work but I did find it by clicking on your picture. How awful that boyfriend was. I wish that people would have to feel the hurt they cause others. Did she come around? Get through what that boyfriend did?


She is working thru it. 

Please don't take any of my posts as being strident.

I have seen what being cheated on & abused does to a woman.

I am trying to help you and your husband before it gets to any ultimatums.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Feelingbad12 said:


> Olivia I don't want to hurt my marriage, I am trying to protect myself. He does know I don't trust him. It just sucks so bad. I don't want to find out years later that he cheated and feel dumb. Again (ex). I know I can't control him or the future etc. I just feel so helpless and jealous of other people in trusting relationships that if anything comes up strange it means that he cheated and is lying and I'm in the dark again. Being played.


Which would make you feel more dumb? Finding out later that your husband cheated on you? End result - you lose a cheating husband. Or constantly suspecting and accusing him of cheating until he finally has enough and dissolves the marriage? End result - you destroy a good man and a good marriage and end up alone.

Btw, I've downloaded many silly apps on my phone. Fart apps. Star wars light saber apps. Despicable Me sound effect apps. I could see myself downloading the app you describe with the intention of playing a prank on a co-worker or even my wife. But then again I'm just a typical guy. Maybe your husband is too.

You sound like a very nice lady who had a rotten thing happen to her. Don't let it keep ruining your life.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I've heard there are apps that perform the same function as a feature on the phone, but use less power. It's possible he downloaded the app thinking it would reduce power usage when he's a work and his phone is on vibrate, found out what it did, and then deleted it.

He might also have downloaded it for use on himself. I've heard that placing a vibrator on a man's perineum is incredibly arousing. Maybe he read that somewhere and thought he'd give it a try.


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