# Should I marry her?



## WhoHaveIBecome (Mar 9, 2012)

I've been with my current partner for almost 3 years now. We have a young daughter together. My current partner was the other woman in my previous marriage. I'm hesitant to marry again because of the poor experience with the first marriage. My first marriage is quite the saga and ended as poorly as possible and I still have a lot of guilt over how it ended. 

My girlfriend and I get along really well and we love one another. I know she wants me to propose to her and I think enough time has passed to make it appropriate. I'm just not sure if I'm ready. I'm a little tired of people asking when I'm going to marry her and I feel bad for not making our relationship more secure and official. 

We want to have another child and I think getting married is the right thing to do. I'm just a little hesitant.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So you're willing/wanting to have children with her, but you're hesitating on marrying her? Do you see anything wrong with this picture?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

Marriage is an over rated, outdated archaic concept that results in failure much more often than success. 

Having been there, done that once in my life I suggest there is no reason for anyone to ever go there at all. 

With marriage you've got everything to lose and virtually nothing to gain. You're already in a committed relationship, you've got a child. That's more than sufficient.


----------



## WhoHaveIBecome (Mar 9, 2012)

*So you're willing/wanting to have children with her, but you're hesitating on marrying her? Do you see anything wrong with this picture?
*

This is my conundrum. I love her and I love our daughter and I would love to have more children. My first (and only) marriage ended horribly. I was 100% at fault. We were in the process of a divorce when she passed away so I'm technically a widow and not divorced. I would hate to end up in a situation like that again. 

I know my girlfriend would like a more serious commitment and she deserves that much. I'm just nervous.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

That's my point. By having kids with this woman, he's tied himself to her till they're out of college. It's much easier to get out of a marriage than parenthood. So the way I see it, he's got nothing to lose. Around here, common law relationship are almost as binding as marriages, as well.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

WhoHaveIBecome said:


> I know my girlfriend would like a more serious commitment and she deserves that much. I'm just nervous.


Where do people get the idea that marriage is a serious commitment?

The divorce rate is approaching well over 60%. The vast majority of marriages that don't end in divorce are still unhappy couples, together for the wrong reasons. money, the kids, fear of starting over, etc. 

Marriage isn't anything more than a piece of paper that says "we're together now, but when we split (and the odds and the statistics say we will), we are going to have to do it with lawyers and courts and it will be much uglier and more expensive".

Nothing more.



PBear said:


> That's my point. By having kids with this woman, he's tied himself to her till they're out of college. It's much easier to get out of a marriage than parenthood. So the way I see it, he's got nothing to lose. Around here, common law relationship are almost as binding as marriages, as well.



I was sitting too close to the fire and an ash flew out and landed on my pants and it's smoldering. Therefore I might as well just douse myself with gasoline and flick the lighter. That's basically what you're saying.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

if you don't marry, do what my husband and I did when we had a child but weren't married.

Get some papers drawnup:

1. Powers of attorney for medical and financial reasons. We did this in case one of us was incapacitated and because we weren't married, wouldn't be able to get into each others bank accounts. It was how we wanted to secure our family, without our money going to parents. Which is would, since we weren't married and our kids were too young.

2. Living wills for each of you. That way YOU have a say in what happens with your mate. Not their parents.

3. Living trusts. Important for us to secure our assets for each other and our children.

We also had our life insurance policies put in each other's names.

We were 'married'. We got them notarized and the whole thing cost us about 100 bucks for paperwork and signatures.

LegacyWriter.com | Online Wills, Powers of Attorney, Living Wills. 

We went through that site. The papers are professional and now legal.

We are married now, but for the year we were living together as married, this really secured it for us


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Whoa---Are you telling us you wanna marry the woman who helped you wreck/destroy your 1st mge

Don't even try to tell me---she is good/wonderful---etc, etc, etc

She knew you were married, and she still went out with you, and participated in the destruction of your mge---I don't know if your 1st wife was innocent/good/loving---and you probably won't say anyway----but this woman you are trying to be with, is nothing more than a scumbag, cheater herself, who has no problem DESTROYING MGE's

What makes you think at some point down the line---she won't help destroy your mge to her should you marry, by cheating with another guy

Take it for what its worth---she doesn't seem to have much in the way of morals and scruples

Do not come down on me for attacking her---cuz my answer to you is---the TRUTH, is the TRUTH, and FACT is FACT, whether you wanna hear it or not.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

They're making a life together and bringing children into the world together.

They have to secure their children's future regarding their assets and stuff. 

That's called responsibility.


----------



## WhoHaveIBecome (Mar 9, 2012)

*Whoa---Are you telling us you wanna marry the woman who helped you wreck/destroy your 1st mge*

*She knew you were married, and she still went out with you, and participated in the destruction of your mge---I don't know if your 1st wife was innocent/good/loving---and you probably won't say anyway----but this woman you are trying to be with, is nothing more than a scumbag, cheater herself, who has no problem DESTROYING MGE's*

Its a really complicated situation. In my girlfriend's defense she was fairly young when we started our affair. I think we've both matured and become better people since that ordeal. The cheating was my fault not hers. 

Judging by your reaction you would hate my guts if you knew the full story of my first marriage. I still have a lot of residual guilt on how that turned out and ended and it effects me to this day. I have a previous thread in which I sort of wrote out my story. 

*Take it for what its worth---she doesn't seem to have much in the way of morals and scruples*

I love her despite her flaws. I think she does have morals and she is an amazing mother to our daughter and a wonderful partner. Good people can do bad things. 

*We are married now, but for the year we were living together as married, this really secured it for us *

I'll definitely look into that. The lack of legal protection for our relationship is troubling and it could be messy if something bad happened.

I know marriage is probably the better option but I am so nervous and hesitant to jump back in. My first marriage was awful towards the end and I don't want to do that again. It doesn't help reading all of these marriage horror stories on TAM either.


----------



## PNGirl (Mar 21, 2012)

Respectfully, I say no. I don't think you should get married because you think it's the "right thing to do." I also don't think that taking a poll on a message board - should I or shouldn't I - should be used in making that decision. However, you may be looking for confirmation in a "No" response because you really don't want to get married.

I think most of us can agree that being married is complicated enough when you want to be married. I can imagine it is only worse when you don't want to be married in the first place.

Maybe you need to talk to a therapist about the problems you caused in your 1st marriage and the guilt you feel before you entertain the idea of proposing marriage and adding to your family.


----------



## zaliblue (Apr 26, 2011)

I think that if you loved her as much as you said that you did, then you would marry her....You mention having this marriage turn out in disaster like your other one....are you afraid that you may cheat again. I am with the others on this. I don't think that you should marry out of guilt. You can love someone and be good with them, however, you can have the same relationship with your dog. It sounds like to me that you are not sure that you are in love with her...so I would say don't marry. Sort your feelings out and if you don't want the same things that she does then maybe you should go your separate ways....maybe wait to have another child with the person that you aren't afraid of cheating on.


----------



## zaliblue (Apr 26, 2011)

zaliblue said:


> I think that if you loved her as much as you said that you did, then you would marry her....You mention having this marriage turn out in disaster like your other one....are you afraid that you may cheat again. I am with the others on this. I don't think that you should marry out of guilt. You can love someone and be good with them, however, you can have the same relationship with your dog. It sounds like to me that you are not sure that you are in love with her...so I would say don't marry. Sort your feelings out and if you don't want the same things that she does then maybe you should go your separate ways....maybe wait to have another child with the person that you aren't afraid of cheating on.



I'm sorry, that last post sounded bad....I only meant if that is the way that you feel. I'm not judging you....no one is perfect....


----------



## WhoHaveIBecome (Mar 9, 2012)

*It sounds like to me that you are not sure that you are in love with her...so I would say don't marry. Sort your feelings out and if you don't want the same things that she does then maybe you should go your separate ways....maybe wait to have another child with the person that you aren't afraid of cheating on.*

I do love her. There is no doubt about my love for her. She is an amazing woman who loves me deeply. There is no going separate ways. We have a young daughter together. And I have no desire to be away from either of them. They are my world. 

I am afraid of cheating again. I don't think I could ever do it again. But I never thought I could cheat to begin with. I feel like my fear of cheating is not specific to my girlfriend. Its just in general. 

I'm not so much doing a poll as just trying to get some reassurance that marriage works. Maybe I am just too much of a cynic. My first marriage was OK until I ****ed it up. Everything else I see and hear about marriages is negative. So I am nervous.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

PBear said:


> So you're willing/wanting to have children with her, but you're hesitating on marrying her? Do you see anything wrong with this picture?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Messed up.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

WhoHaveIBecome said:


> *It sounds like to me that you are not sure that you are in love with her...so I would say don't marry. Sort your feelings out and if you don't want the same things that she does then maybe you should go your separate ways....maybe wait to have another child with the person that you aren't afraid of cheating on.*
> 
> I do love her. There is no doubt about my love for her. She is an amazing woman who loves me deeply. There is no going separate ways. We have a young daughter together. And I have no desire to be away from either of them. They are my world.
> 
> ...


No, marriage doesn't always work. Heck, I'm separated after being married for 17 years, and I don't plan on getting married anytime soon. But... Dabbling in a committed relationship has a pretty low chance of success too. By refusing to commit 100% into your relationship and demonstrating that to your partner, you're showing her you've got one foot out the door already. So take the step one way or the other, and close the door. If you can't commit to her fully, don't have another child with her, and let her go so she can find someone who IS willing to give her 100%.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## RandomReward (Mar 23, 2012)

Divorce rates are high because those who are "hesitant" get caught up in trying to do what's right or what is expected of them. You aren't on a timeline so don't let the 3 years of relationship feel like a gun to your head. I will advice if you are hesitant about marriage be equally hesitant about having kids. Since your girlfriend was in the front lines of your last marriage she has no choice but to understand.


----------



## WhoHaveIBecome (Mar 9, 2012)

*I will advice if you are hesitant about marriage be equally hesitant about having kids. Since your girlfriend was in the front lines of your last marriage she has no choice but to understand.*

I'm not hesitant about kids at all. I ended up leaving my wife in part because my girlfriend ended up getting pregnant. I know its horrible and I was an awful person during the affair to my wife. But one of the reasons my first marriage ended up not working was because of infertility issues with my late wife. I love our daughter and I would be delighted if we had another child. I think I am atypical in that sense. The kids are forever even if for whatever reason the relationship isn't. I wouldn't have any regrets about children. 

*By refusing to commit 100% into your relationship and demonstrating that to your partner, you're showing her you've got one foot out the door already. So take the step one way or the other, and close the door. If you can't commit to her fully, don't have another child with her, and let her go so she can find someone who IS willing to give her 100%.*

I think you are right up until the part of let her go. I won't do that but I do feel like I owe it to her to give her the security and commitment. She has been a good partner to me and I am lucky to have her. I am leaning towards marrying her but I just need to get rid of my jitters and pessimism.


----------



## Nigel (Mar 14, 2012)

The guilt you are obviously feeling will probably never go away because every morning you wake up and look at the person who caused you to be like that. I admire your dedication to your gf and your protectiveness over her, by claiming she was not at fault and that the blame is squarely with you. With all due respect that's a load of cr ap and you probably know it. I don't know this girl but you don't have to be 45 to know that having an affair with a married person is morally wrong. The younger woman who did that to me had the following traits to begin with.

Good listener
Appeared compassionate
Very attentive
Intelligent
Didn't belong to the gossip crowd
Claimed to be very moral
Appeared to be sweet and innocent
Liked to portray herself as naive
Came across as a caring and concerned person

Let me tell you something, it was all hog wash! Apart from being intelligent and she didnt gossip ( for obvious reasons) she was had no other traits on that list.

I found out that I had been suffering with depression for a while even before i got involved with her, she even knew this later on and she still kept on with her plan.

Sorry for rambling on, but the point I'm trying to make is that some women (and men) are very very good at manipulating people and their emotions. Even as I was getting better, I still defended this girl to my wife and I insisted she was innocent and everything was my fault. My wife very patiently started to show me how she knew this person operated. At first I didn't really believe it but with my wife's help, I actually started to see the little signs and tricks that this girl plays in her game. I came to detest and hate this person completely because even putting to one side what she did, it became apparent that she had no genuine feelings about me at all, how could she do this to people without having any genuine feelings?. My wifes analysis and her prediction of what this person would do again was totally vindicated when she then went on to destroy another relationship. She spun her wicked web again and and this time snared her boss, who was also in a vulnerable position, with his partner of 20 years. Low and behold a month later he had suddenly ended his relationship (nobody else involved of course...). Obviously it didn't last, it even remained secret or so both of them thought. She finally dumped him on the day that he was about to take out a huge mortgage to fund a place for them to both live. Since then we have discovered she had an emotional affair and had secret dinner dates with her best friends husband (her best friend had recently been diagnosed with breast cancer as well), She had Then tried to get her hooks into another work colleague, fortunately for him he wasnt as vulnerable as she thought he was. She also split up two other relationships that we know about.

It's hard to believe that there are people out there like this, but believe me they exist and they are the worse kind of person to get involved with. Not saying your gf is similar but I don't believe she was the sweet little innocent you are trying to convince yourself she is either. She knew what she wanted, she knew what she was doing and she didn't care as long as she got what she wanted. Just my opinion though 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I remember your story on another thread.

You left your wife cause you got your 18-20 yr old affair piece knocked up and your wife ended up killing herself/committed suicide due to the fallout and you feel a tremendous guilt over that. 

Awful story.

My advice: don't get married.

Why? Because 1. you said you are "hesitant." That is a HUGE red flag. And it's waving big and red for a reason. You're not sure. You're not sold. Marriage is a huge committment. if you aren't 100%, don't do it.

Another reason: you said you're afraid of cheating. You already see/know the mess your cheating and subsequent child born from your affair and divorce and wife's suicide caused. Do you really want to go through that again? (not saying a suicide would happen) but do you really want to inflict that kind of pain that infidelity causes on another again?

It seems you truly have not learned the lesson. 

As someone who was hesitant about getting married but did it quickly anyway (and later divorced), I can assure you: it's not a good idea if you're not 100% for it.


----------



## WhoHaveIBecome (Mar 9, 2012)

*It seems you truly have not learned the lesson. *

I have learned my lesson and I have been 100% faithful to my girlfriend. I could never knowingly cause her pain. She is my rock and my everything. Its different now because we have a daughter that is innocent. I would never ever do anything that would hurt her. 

*You said you are "hesitant." That is a HUGE red flag. And it's waving big and red for a reason. You're not sure. You're not sold. Marriage is a huge committment. if you aren't 100%, don't do it.*

What about proposing and not marrying for a couple years? I think this might work. It would give my girlfriend the ring she wants and give me time to figure things out.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

WhoHaveIBecome said:


> *It seems you truly have not learned the lesson. *
> 
> I have learned my lesson and I have been 100% faithful to my girlfriend. I could never knowingly cause her pain. She is my rock and my everything. Its different now because we have a daughter that is innocent. I would never ever do anything that would hurt her. .


Well I was basing what I said off the part where you said *you are afraid of cheating again*. 

So no, you haven't learned the lesson.



WhoHaveIBecome said:


> What about proposing and not marrying for a couple years? I think this might work. It would give my girlfriend the ring she wants and give me time to figure things out.


Well that "may" work for a small piece of time but, ultimately, it's a cop out. 

You'd only be proposing to her in order to appease her wanting to get married--selling her the illusion that you "may" some day marry all for selfish reasons--ultimately it would be to bide YOUR time to figure out what YOU want. Neither of those things have her best interests.

In the end, it's all about you (those choices, that is). 

Look, do what you like.

But that doubt you have is there for a reason.

Trust it.


----------



## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

WhoHaveIBecome said:


> I've been with my current partner for almost 3 years now. We have a young daughter together. My current partner was the other woman in my previous marriage. I'm hesitant to marry again because of the poor experience with the first marriage. My first marriage is quite the saga and ended as poorly as possible and I still have a lot of guilt over how it ended.
> 
> My girlfriend and I get along really well and we love one another. I know she wants me to propose to her and I think enough time has passed to make it appropriate. I'm just not sure if I'm ready. I'm a little tired of people asking when I'm going to marry her and I feel bad for not making our relationship more secure and official.
> 
> We want to have another child and I think getting married is the right thing to do. I'm just a little hesitant.


bunch of random thoughts...

I think this is partly good. I would be more worried if you were not questioning yourself. Nobody, I expect, wants to be subject to a failed marriage....again, and its a big step.

The fact that you have a happy family and are considering a 2nd child says a little something too - I think positive.

3 years isnt a very long time. How old are you and she? Are you up against biological clock tic-tic-ticking?

As you undoubtedly know... having kids is when the relationship can really be put to the test. How confident are both of you? Have you talked about it? 

My biggest concern is that is looks to me like you hope to have kids (chasing 'happiness'?) and also hope that the relationship will follow along just fine. What I believe works better is that your relationship gets so comfortable, comforting, so grounded, so healthy... that you are so ready emotionally and financially that you find yourselves wanting a family. Is that what you feel is happening? (In real life, I know its not always such a fairy tale of preparedness in such matters - you are never 'fully' ready...)

Certainly - not something to rush into... but then again I am a slow mover. I was married 10 years and had been with my wife for 15 before we decided to have kids.. so perhaps I am not a good benchmark.

My gut says wait a couple years for more kids.


----------



## WhoHaveIBecome (Mar 9, 2012)

*3 years isnt a very long time. How old are you and she? Are you up against biological clock tic-tic-ticking?*

I'm 34. My girlfriend is 22. So no real concerns about a biological clock in terms of health concerns. I would rather not be 60 when my kids are teenagers so I would like to move faster. In terms of finances we can support another child fairly easily so it wouldn't he/she wouldn't be a burden

*As you undoubtedly know... having kids is when the relationship can really be put to the test. How confident are both of you? Have you talked about it? *

Our daughter has really brought us closer. She is a really easy child though and we may not be so lucky on the next one. I think we could handle another child (or more) and the baby will happen irrespective of the marriage proposal. The more I think about it the more I lean towards to just going all in. We have talked about kids. Our first wasn't planned. We both come from large families and want to if possible have a large family as well. 

*My biggest concern is that is looks to me like you hope to have kids (chasing 'happiness'?) and also hope that the relationship will follow along just fine.*

You are probably right on this. In my first marriage we wanted kids and couldn't have them b/c of medical issues. So a child became even more valuable and important to me. And with our daughter everything has been perfect. She is an angel. So we want more. 

I think our relationship has been good but we have a weird history. For the first few months of our relationship everything was a secret so we didn't really go through normal ups and downs. Then she became pregnant and we focused on that. And then the baby came and she became everything. So we have never had that much "us" time. 

We have been really good with our daughter though. My girlfriend is such a wonderful mother and we are a good team on that front. 

Like Jellybean pointed out there is some fairly serious drama and pain surrounding my first marriage and that has been hard on me psychologically and it does come up from time to time with my girlfriend and I and its a tough issue. 

I just am to nervous for my own good sometimes. I am leaning one way and have been for a while on this but I just wanted some feedback from others. I think I know I need to put the past behind me and go all in but its easier said than done.


----------



## WhoHaveIBecome (Mar 9, 2012)

Angel5112 said:


> But you haven't been 100% faithful. You cheated on her with your wife. You separated from your wife, were living with your gf, and slept with your wife 3 times. You have never told your gf, correct? I am really not trying to be rude here. As a cheater myself I don’t think you can ever really move past and forgive yourself or show true remorse until you are 100% honest. I know you feel bad about what happened with your wife, understandably so, but you were also unfaithful to your gf and she deserves to know before SHE fully commits herself to you. Not telling her is selfish and self serving. JMHO.


Woah. That is either great memory or a lot of digging. I suppose technically what you are saying is true. I was still legally married to my wife at the time so I think what I did is somewhat defensible. It was still wrong and I hated myself for doing it. It was such a complicated situation and I took the easy choice instead of being loyal to my girlfriend. Not doing it would have caused my wife so much more pain and there was no right choice there. 

I've never as much as flirted with another woman since then. What you are referring to happened literally years ago. Telling her about sleeping with my wife would only hurt her and would do absolutely no good. I thought about this when it was raised in my previous thread and there are not many benefits to telling her. I don't want to re-hash that here.


----------



## INTJme (Dec 12, 2011)

WhoHaveIBecome said:


> Woah. That is either great memory or a lot of digging. I suppose technically what you are saying is true. I was still legally married to my wife at the time so I think what I did is somewhat defensible. It was still wrong and I hated myself for doing it. It was such a complicated situation and I took the easy choice instead of being loyal to my girlfriend. Not doing it would have caused my wife so much more pain and there was no right choice there.
> 
> I've never as much as flirted with another woman since then. What you are referring to happened literally years ago. Telling her about sleeping with my wife would only hurt her and would do absolutely no good. I thought about this when it was raised in my previous thread and there are not many benefits to telling her. I don't want to re-hash that here.


I'm a long-time lurker but I just had to post this. I have been following your story since you started posting.

It appears from your posts that in your personal life the choices you make are based on whatever is most convenient for you at the moment.

If I recall the details correctly you cheated on your wife and got the girl pregnant. You stalled as long a possible in leaving your wife and still continued to have sex with her afterwords. You have never told your current gf this because you claim it would only hurt her (But I really think this is you doing whatever is easiest for yourself...again). And NOW you're posting about buying your gf an engagement ring to shut her up while you decide what YOU want to do? Everything is about you...so selfish.
I really think you need to think long and hard about your situation and learn to take responsibility for your actions and the decisions you have made.

Also, I don't know why you keep defending your gf. I am around her age and have only been in one serious relationship as well. I know that having sex with a married man is wrong and that sex carries the possibility of pregnancy. She knew what she was doing.

Also, I am so baffled when I hear about people who will have children with a person but think that marriage is too much of a commitment. Um, you've already made a life-long commitment when you had a child.


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

So, your wife couldn't have kids, you were the victim because you wanted a family and your wife couldn't provide it for you.

You slept with someone else and got her pregnant and left your wife to be with the mother of your child to be.

Your wife then ends her life because of the situation but now you're worried about getting married but still want more kids with your current gf.

Dude, you are messed up, you don't want a wife you want a baby producing factory IMO. So what happens if the current gf says, no more kids? Get another woman that will have another kid for you?

This is about as messed up a situation as I have seen on this board. BTW, your current gf, I hope she wises up and sees what she is to you.

Sorry if I'm harsh but damn, you're cold blooded. The only thing that matters if they can push a kid through their V.


----------



## WhoHaveIBecome (Mar 9, 2012)

*You can refuse to re-hash it all you want, but that doesn't change the fact that if your gf ever found out, it would be much more painful and do much more damage than if you were to tell her yourself.*

I hate to say this b/c it sounds awful but only two people know of what happened. Me and my wife. My wife is not with us anymore. Barring me confessing to her there is no way she finds out about it. 

*Another thing, and maybe it is just me, but not being truthful also shows that you are not truly sorry for your actions, but only sorry for the reactions they caused. A truly remorseful man confesses all his sins.*

I've been careful with my wording. I regret doing what I did and I am sorry every single day that a consequence of my actions led to someone I love hurting them self. I honestly don't know what I would do if I could go back in time. If I didn't talk to Emily I wouldn't have her in my life and I wouldn't have my daughter. I was fairly unhappy in my marriage. 

You are right that not divulging hurts me mostly so that is why I don't want to say anything. I am not going to do anything that is going to force us to go back and talk about all of that drama. We really avoid talking about that b/c of the hurt and pain surrounding the affair and my first marriage. 

*I also don't think what you did is defendable. It doesn't matter that you were separated. It doesn't matter that it was years ago.*

We are talking degrees now. I was cheating. That in and of itself is terrible. If you are cheating you are automatically cheating on two people (your spouse and the OW/OM). It was 3 times over 2 years ago. I'm not going to risk things over something that happened so long ago and so briefly. The sex meant nothing to me. I wasn't doing it because I was horny. I did it b/c I was too scared to reject my wife and hurt her.


----------



## WhoHaveIBecome (Mar 9, 2012)

*It appears from your posts that in your personal life the choices you make are based on whatever is most convenient for you at the moment.*

That just isn't true. It was not convenient at all for me to leave my wife. It was painful, expensive, and time consuming to do it. I did it because I wanted to do what was best for my child and she deserved to have two parents who love her. 

*Also, I don't know why you keep defending your gf. I am around her age and have only been in one serious relationship as well. I know that having sex with a married man is wrong and that sex carries the possibility of pregnancy. She knew what she was doing.*

I guess I am protective of her. I've never said she is completely innocent. I am just more at blame than she is. She offered to terminate the pregnancy to save me the trouble and stigma. She wasn't trapping me. I asked her to keep the baby and I promised her I would be there for our child. The affair is on me. I was the married person. I was the person in their 30s who had been in prior relationships. 

*Also, I am so baffled when I hear about people who will have children with a person but think that marriage is too much of a commitment. Um, you've already made a life-long commitment when you had a child.*

Go back and read my posts. I am going to marry her eventually. I just need to get over my hang-ups and nervousness. I have no plans whatsoever to leave her. I am leaning towards marrying her and I am just a little hesitant because of my bad experience before. 

*Dude, you are messed up, you don't want a wife you want a baby producing factory IMO. So what happens if the current gf says, no more kids? Get another woman that will have another kid for you?*

I shouldn't have cheated. I've said that repeatedly. It was wrong and a horrible thing to do. I've always wanted to have a family and kids and that has always been important to me. I think it is well within a person's rights to divorce if one spouse doesn't want kids or can't have kids. I should have asked for a divorce and not cheated. There is nothing I can do about my mistakes now. 

My current girlfriend does want more kids. That isn't an issue. We share the same vision for our family. I wouldn't leave her because I love her and I love our daughter and leaving her would be the wrong thing to do. You act like I've done this type of thing repeatedly. It was once. 

*BTW, your current gf, I hope she wises up and sees what she is to you. Sorry if I'm harsh but damn, you're cold blooded. The only thing that matters if they can push a kid through their V.*

CheatingHubby I think you are being way too harsh. And probably a hypocrite too. If your name means what I think it does you did exactly what I did. My girlfriend loves me and is happy with our life. She is my world. You are way off base about me only caring about fertility. That isn't even 1% true.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ok well now you're saying you will marry her so what was the point of this thread? You seem to take issue with everyone's post.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

WhoHaveIBecome said:


> There is nothing I can do about my mistakes now.


Except learn from them. 

Your faithful and devoted and forgiving late wife gave her life and there's a hard lesson there that you simply ignore because it's inconvenient.

Other people have feelings besides you. 

People that have made a decision to trust you with their very lives, yeah the same ones that you crap over at your discretion because it suits you to do so at that particular time. 

You aren't asking for anyone's permission or approval to get married, you just want to tell your story and see what sort of responses you get from your audience, you continue to deflect, and defend, and minimize your actions and those of young mistress, and you'll get married if it suits you and you'll dump young mistress if she outlives her usefulness or she'll do it to you first. 

Post an update in 10 years if you're still together and I'll post a retraction to my prediction that says you guys won't last a year.


----------



## WhoHaveIBecome (Mar 9, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Ok well now you're saying you will marry her so what was the point of this thread? You seem to take issue with everyone's post.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No point really. I was only responding to people that were talking about my prior marriage. Jellybeans you can feel free to stop responding/reading. 

Do you expect me to say nothing when people are essentially name-calling me? All I did was correct the record. 

*You aren't asking for anyone's permission or approval to get married, you just want to tell your story and see what sort of responses you get from your audience, you continue to deflect, and defend, and minimize your actions and those of young mistress, and you'll get married if it suits you and you'll dump young mistress if she outlives her usefulness or she'll do it to you first. 
*

I was just asking for advice on whether I was ready for marriage. I didn't address any of the drama surrounding my first marriage specifically until other posters started to ask me about it. 

I am guilty of using this site as a bit of therapy for sure. I cannot talk to anyone about the affair so when I get the chance to work things out and talk about it (anonymously) it is nice. I cannot talk about it with anyone. Not my girlfriend. Certainly not my friends or family. 

*Post an update in 10 years if you're still together and I'll post a retraction to my prediction that says you guys won't last a year.*

We've been together for 3 years in some capacity and living together for 2. So your prediciton is already wrong.


----------



## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

WhoHaveIBecome said:


> We've been together for 3 years in some capacity and living together for 2. So your prediciton is already wrong.


I meant a year from NOW.


----------



## WhoHaveIBecome (Mar 9, 2012)

Hisfac I figured I would keep my responses on the newer thread so this is a reply to your post on my old thread in the Infidelity forum. 

With all due respect I think the advice you offered is very pessimistic. I think its similar to what another poster said a few weeks ago (Catherine?). I understand that the odds are against us but I would much rather try completely than just expect that its not going to work out. We do work well together and we are both really great with our daughter and we still have fun. 

I am already committed to my girlfriend because of our daughter and getting married wouldn't do anything negative to me beyond a few years of spousal support IF we get divorced. I think its important we have the security of marriage especially as we grow our family. I have been cowardly and nervous in hesitating and waiting. Emily has been patient and supportive and would make a good wife. I know you all don't hold her in high regard but she is a truly amazing mother and wonderful, supportive partner. I don't want to lose her. 



> Don't marry young mistress it's a disaster waiting to happen. Nothing to gain, everything to lose. Stay together while it lasts, part amicably when it fails.


Girlfriend not mistress. That term is kind of loaded. I realize I am biased b/c I am so involved in the situation but I think we can make it work. So us failing is not a guarantee at all. 



> Take care of your child and be a good father no matter what happens with mom. Don't complicate the situation with more children, one is more than enough.


I appreciate the advice but that is a given. I will always be there for my daughter. I don't need to be reminded to love her. 

We both want more children and we've been trying for #2 for a little bit now so the idea of stopping at one child is not one that I would even entertain. 



> Show more consideration for other people in your life who have bestowed you with their trust.


I know this is important and I am trying to be better at it. I betrayed my late wife horribly. I would never ever do anything like that again. 



> Sit down and really think about what your wife was going through when she slowly deteriorated into oblivion largely as a result of your actions- although I admit every person is ultimately responsible for their own well being and she could have pulled it together and told you to screw off and gone and lived a happy life without you if she was so able, that part isn't necessarily your 'fault' even though you were obviously a contributing factor to her death.


I know I have to do this. That was why started to write the original thread. My counselor had advised me to write a journal and I wanted to hear some feedback as I was writing it so I thought this forum would work for that purpose. It didn't work out like I wanted and I had to deal with busybodies accusing me of lying and I ended up getting off track. 

The last part of my journal is about my wife's suicide. I am too scared to even consider going back and thinking about it. It was horrible and I will blame myself for the rest of my life. I know what she was thinking because I still have her emails and texts. I accept responsibility for her decision. If it wasn't for me she would be alive today. And I have to live with that shame and guilt.


----------



## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

WhoHaveIBecome said:


> I understand that the odds are against us but I would much rather try completely than just expect that its not going to work out.


You think getting married is "trying completely" while living together is in some way not going the distance?

The concept of marriage is archaic, outdated and just flawed, it doesn't mean a freaking thing anymore. But if in your mind you think it does, and you're willing to put up with some spousal support as well as what could be exhorbitant legal fees as you work your way through the courts someday, then hey, knock yourself out. Those are pretty much the only difficulties when a relationship ends that has been legalized by a mostly worthless piece of paper.

This is a bit off topic but do you know how to quote posts?

It's a bit confusing to read the bold typeface and then associate it with a prior posters post, that's why the quote feature is built into most of these internet discussion forums. 

It's really very simple once you give it a try.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

If you have to ask if you're ready for marriage--- you're not ready for marriage.

End of story.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Marry and have a pre-nup saying everything will be split 50/50 (unless one of you brought some pretty hefty assets into the marriage, in which case you could get something decided for that property/asset which would secure the child's interest and perhaps the other parent's need for more financial help in the event of a split). Or just do the other legal paper work (living will, etc.). 

Having kids is one thing, and having one of you make career sacrifices for the sake of raising the kids is another. That is the case where men (usually it is men) seem to lack any understanding of why they need to continue to pay something to the spouse who will NEVER catch up to them in terms of earning. Both parents get the benefit of having kids, but the one who makes more career sacrifices will feel the financial effect for the rest of their life. Making things more even through divorce settlement is only fair, because otherwise stay at home parents will always, always be poorer because the work they did raising the kids will go unrecognized and uncompensated.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

This is going to be harsh but I need to get this out.

Don't you see. You are in a paradox. You won't tell your gf about the sex with your wife. You keep that secret guilt and it eats you up. The guilt you have from your dishonesty causes you to not be able to commit to your current gf. You are the eventuality of your own actions.

Your late wife could not have children. So you begin an affair with a woman who is of optimum breeding age. Your wife discovers this fact and ends her life. The guilt from your late wife's suicide prevents you from properly bonding with the object of her depression. You are the inescapable result of your own tragedy.

Friend, why you would want to expose your daughter to your toxic life is a question best left to philosophers and madmen. You need much help before you can be a good father and husband to anyone.


----------



## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> Don't you see. You are in a paradox. You won't tell your gf about the sex with your wife. You keep that secret guilt and it eats you up. The guilt you have from your dishonesty causes you to not be able to commit to your current gf. You are the eventuality of your own actions.
> 
> Your late wife could not have children. So you begin an affair with a woman who is of optimum breeding age. Your wife discovers this fact and ends her life. The guilt from your late wife's suicide prevents you from properly bonding with the object of her depression. You are the inescapable result of your own tragedy.


Wow. 

It fits.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Great post, Beowulf.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

hisfac said:


> Marriage is an over rated, outdated archaic concept that results in failure much more often than success.
> 
> Having been there, done that once in my life I suggest there is no reason for anyone to ever go there at all.
> 
> With marriage you've got everything to lose and virtually nothing to gain. You're already in a committed relationship, you've got a child. That's more than sufficient.



A few ago I would have disagreed with you but boy does a few years teach you things. Marriage in the US (anywhere now I guess) is financial, mental and spiritual Russian Roulette for a man. But its really our fault because when things go bad we just roll over and take it instead of fighting for our rights.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Infertility was the hardest thing I ever went through in my life... It was 6 yrs trying... We even had a little boy at the time, and I was still a basketcase (at times).... I can't even imagine how that would have tore your 1st wife up, damn !! I can't think of anything that could have hurt me more so, if the love of my life fell into an affair & got a younger woman pregnant...when my body couldn't have our child. 

I am not jumping on you, really I am not, I just wanted to say that. I do wonder if the infertility is what started the problems in your marraige though, your wife was likely depressed and that was hard to deal with. In that I sympathize with you. that can unravel alot of things... That is one hell of a sucky situation. That is a tremendous amount of guilt to carry around. 

I have to agree with Beowulf's post, the truth in all of it's entirely should come out... if you love each other, it can be overcame, we all have faults and are human, making bad mistakes. My God your GF should understand why you was having sex with your wife ! Geeze, the woman killed herself over this. 

Start today... go forth in the truth.... make it a way of life.. it is freeing and the only way to release your demons and have peace, even with what happened to your wife... you will have to forgive yourself. But this starts with searching your soul and being honest with everyone you love... be an example to uphold to your daughter and any future children you may have .


----------



## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

Sanity said:


> A few ago I would have disagreed with you but boy does a few years teach you things. Marriage in the US (anywhere now I guess) is financial, mental and spiritual Russian Roulette for a man. But its really our fault because when things go bad we just roll over and take it instead of fighting for our rights.


Some might roll over and take it, others will fight as I did because she was being very unreasonable. In the end, quite often its the husband who is the breadwinner and the wife the caregiving parent, so even if the husband puts up a good fight, wife ends up with the house, custody of the kids, and a hefty support payment at least as a percentage of exhusbands income who is lucky to be left with enough to afford a cheap apartment somewhere.


----------



## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

Given how badly the legal system treats men in divorce/family court. Given how the police and legal system declare men to be guilty of spousal abuse for anything that the wife decides is abuse. Given how A woman can decide that she is going to get pregnant and boom, you're a dad. Or She can unilaterally end the pregnancy. no input from you required. 

These kinds of bad things do not happen in most cases. But I know first hand of enough of them that I would never recommend a man get married. 

You sound pretty committed to your GF. But before you marry I would recommend counseling. Counseling goes a long way to determining compatibility. 

Love is the easy part. Commitment is the hard part. There are lots of people who still love their ex. They just can't stand to live w/ them.


----------

