# Maybe it's just me...



## UnhappyMomma (4 mo ago)

First time poster here so not sure how this works but here goes...

Back story, I am in my late 30's, husband is in his early 40's. We both have been married before. We met about 10 years ago. Got married within a year of dating. We both have children from previous marriages and then one together. 

We have always had a rocky marriage, lack of intimacy, arguing, laziness etc. After a year of marriage we considered divorce. We worked through it and was ok for a few years. 

I got pregnant with our child together and things went down here from there. After I got pregnant it felt as though my husband got more lazy. We had sex once during the whole pregnancy. I had a rough pregnancy so I pushed it off as that. After I gave birth and things seemed to get back to normal, our sex life didn't. 

It was time for me to go back to work and my husband decided he wanted to quit his good job to stay at home with our child while I worked. He quit even though I stated we needed his income to pay our bills. He said he would find one quick. He never even applied to places. 

I went to work everyday for a year, coming home cleaning, cooking dinner and taking care of a baby. While all he did was take care of our child during the day and he slept 90% of the time since she was a newborn. I was so mad everyday. I would argue that he was lazy since he didn't even help at all. 

During this time covid happened and i got laid off. I was making descent money on unemployment so things were OK. And I tried to just not to say anything to make things worse since everyone was home all the time. I spent days with my kids and just focused on them. 

But my unemployment ran out so he finally after a year, got a job while I stayed home with our children. I cooked, cleaned, went to the store, picked up kids, everything during that time so he did not have to lift a finger. He worked and that was it. It kept me busy but I was still unhappy. I just focused on my kids and just kept a distance from him. 

After a little time we realized his pay was not enough to support our family so I had to look for something to help out. I got a job working double the hours of him so when I am gone all day now i dont not have energy or time to do it all like before. So I expect some housework to be done or dinner to be cooked by him sometimes. 

Since our child is in school now, he is home alone most days. All he does is sleep and play on his computer. I still come home to clean, cook, take care of everything. He works 20 hours a week or less right now and is home by 10am. We are on the verge of losing our house because we cannot make ends meet even with me working full time and him part time. So I asked him to get a part time job until his work hours pick up. He applied to 1 place because I asked him every other day for 2 weeks if he applied yet. He has never applied to anywhere else. 

We applied for a grant to help with our mortgage and it was approved so he said he does not need to work more now. Even though we have not received the grant yet. And my guess he does not plan too. 

I have tried for years to tell him his laziness effects me, that I am unhappy because I feel like I am taking care of a child when he is grown. I ask for help with stuff and its like he is almost mad i asked. 

I am very independent so i end up doing everything myself. He has a way of turning everything around too. I say I'm unhappy, he says I'll do this and it will be better. He never does what he says he will. He never follows through. 

I asked for marriage counseling several times over the years and he has said no every time. He says he does not believe in it. The last time I ask, he said we didn't need it that we could figure it out ourselves. That lasted 1 day. He woke up the next day and it was all back to "normal". I told him if we didn't end up getting help, I could not see us last much longer and it's like he does not want to put in the work. 

I am not perfect by no means. I'm bossy and I like things my way. I know there is things I do that drive people crazy and I am willing to work on those things. 

Marriage should be a partnership and I feel as though I take care of everything and he gets to live the easy life. 

Now a little into our sex life. I have a high sex drive. I want it every night and quickies inbetween. But our children have issues leaving us alone long enough for quickies. He said he was like that but he has never been that way. He would want it max once a week the whole time we have been together. But he has always had some issues with keeping it up, I thought it was due to him masterbating so much. He would do that daily. But even when he stopped doing it as much still has issues. He said he would go to the doctor but never does. I buy lingerie, toys, foreplay, shower together, etc to keep things spicy so he would feel better about the issues and still have fun but it's like he would rather just take care of himself and go on about his day. 

In the past 4 years since I had my child, we have had sex once about 3 years ago and tried to have sex once a few months ago because I jumped on top of him in the middle of the day but he had issues and nothing happened. I gave up trying and just take care of me when I need too. 

It's the little things that add up too. There was a bunch of important stuff with our house that needed taken care of. I told him to do it since he had time during the day. He never would. I would have to tell him to do it 10 times before he would actually do it. And even then i would do most of it before he would even try to start it. I shouldn't have to remind a grown man to do something extremely important. 

Also, he has a huge attitude all the time. Like if he is watching tv or playing on his computer, dont even try to bother him because he makes you feel bad for interrupting him. he is super grumpy and when I ask what is wrong he says nothing. I try to help but he won't let me in. He is grumpy towards our children too. They walk on egg shells because they don't want to deal with his attitude. 

He says he is unhappy too and tells me things he wishes I would changed too but why should I put in more effort if he could care less. 

I feel as though I am only with him because of our children and because on my single income things would be tight. He watches our children while I work. I am afraid my step children would not come around if I was to leave, even though I helped raise them half of their life and I love them like my own children. I am really close with his entire family since I do not have any. Holidays would be weird since I only go to his family outings. 

As for money, he has potential of making a lot more money in the future with where he works which could give our children a good life but at the sacrifice of my happiness. 

I don't want to be intimate with him. I don't want to hang out with him. I actually prefer to go places by myself than with him. My anger comes out around him for all the crap that frustrates me about him. 

He won't try counseling or talking with anyone. I suggested one if his family members (since we are close to them) but his says no, they will side with me over him. I just do not know what to do anymore. 

I know there are 2 sides to the story and this is mine but Any suggestions? Good bad or ugly.. I'll take them all. I feel as though I shouldn't complain because people have it worse. And I have had it worst in my past marriage but I feel so unhappy everyday. 

Thanks for any advise and thanks for reading my long post.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

UnhappyMomma said:


> First time poster here so not sure how this works but here goes...
> 
> Back story, I am in my late 30's, husband is in his early 40's. We both have been married before. We met about 10 years ago. Got married within a year of dating. We both have children from previous marriages and then one together. We have always had a rocky marriage, lack of intimacy, arguing, laziness etc. After a year of marriage we considered divorce. We worked through it and was ok for a few years. I got pregnant with our child together and things went down here from there. After I got pregnant it felt as though my husband got more lazy. We had sex once during the whole pregnancy. I had a rough pregnancy so I pushed it off as that. After I gave birth and things seemed to get back to normal, our sex life didn't. It was time for me to go back to work and my husband decided he wanted to quit his good job to stay at home with our child while I worked. He quit even though I stated we needed his income to pay our bills. He said he would find one quick. He never even applied to places. I went to work everyday for a year, coming home cleaning, cooking dinner and taking care of a baby. While all he did was take care of our child during the day and he slept 90% of the time since she was a newborn. I was so mad everyday. I would argue that he was lazy since he didn't even help at all. During this time covid happened and i got laid off. I was making descent money on unemployment so things were OK. And I tried to just not to say anything to make things worse since everyone was home all the time. I spent days with my kids and just focused on them. But my unemployment ran out so he finally after a year, got a job while I stayed home with our children. I cooked, cleaned, went to the store, picked up kids, everything during that time so he did not have to lift a finger. He worked and that was it. It kept me busy but I was still unhappy. I just focused on my kids and just kept a distance from him. After a little time we realized his pay was not enough to support our family so I had to look for something to help out. I got a job working double the hours of him so when I am gone all day now i dont not have energy or time to do it all like before. So I expect some housework to be done or dinner to be cooked by him sometimes. Since our child is in school now, he is home alone most days. All he does is sleep and play on his computer. I still come home to clean, cook, take care of everything. He works 20 hours a week or less right now and is home by 10am. We are on the verge of losing our house because we cannot make ends meet even with me working full time and him part time. So I asked him to get a part time job until his work hours pick up. He applied to 1 place because I asked him every other day for 2 weeks if he applied yet. He has never applied to anywhere else. We applied for a grant to help with out mortgage and it was approved so he said he does not need to work more now. Even though we have not received the grant yet. And my guess he does not plan too. I have tried for years to tell him his laziness effects me, that I am unhappy because I feel like I am taking care of a child when he is grown. I ask for help with stuff and its like he is almost mad i asked. I am very independent so i end up doing everything myself. He has a way of turning everything around too. I say I'm unhappy, he says I'll do this and it will be better. He never does what he says he will. He never follows through. I asked for marriage counseling several times over the years and he has said no every time. He says he does not believe in it. The last time I ask, he said we didn't need it that we could figure it out ourselves. That lasted 1 day. He woke up the next day and it was all back to "normal". I told him if we didn't end up getting help, I could not see us last much longer and it's like he does not want to put in the work. I am not perfect by no means. I'm bossy and I like things my way. I know there is things I do that drive people crazy and I am willing to work on those things. Marriage should be a partnership and I feel as though I take care of everything and he gets to live the easy life. Now a little into our sex life. I have a high sex drive. I want it every night and quickies inbetween. But our children have issues leaving us alone long enough for quickies. He said he was like that but he has never been that way. He would want it max once a week the whole time we have been together. But he has always had some issues with keeping it up, I thought it was due to him masterbating so much. He would do that daily. But even when he stopped doing it as much still has issues. He said he would go to the doctor but never does. I buy lingerie, toys, foreplay, shower together, etc to keep things spicy so he would feel better about the issues and still have fun but it's like he would rather just take care of himself and go on about his day. In the past 4 years since I had my child, we have had sex once about 3 years ago and tried to have sex once a few months ago because I jumped on top of him in the middle of the day but he had issues and nothing happened. I gave up trying and just take care of me when I need too. It's the little things that add up too. There was a bunch of important stuff with our house that needed taken care of. I told him to do it since he had time during the day. He never would. I would have to tell him to do it 10 times before he would actually do it. And even then i would do most of it before he would even try to start it. I shouldn't have to remind a grown man to do something extremely important. Also, he has a huge attitude all the time. Like if he is watching tv or playing on his computer, dont even try to bother him because he makes you feel bad for interrupting him. he is super grumpy and when I ask what is wrong he says nothing. I try to help but he won't let me in. He is grumpy towards our children too. They walk on egg shells because they don't want to deal with his attitude. He says he is unhappy too and tells me things he wishes I would changed too but why should I put in more effort if he could care less. I feel as though I am only with him because of our children and because on my single income things would be tight. He watches our children while I work. I am afraid my step children would not come around if I was to leave, even though I helped raise them half of their life and I love them like my own children. I am really close with his entire family since I do not have any. Holidays would be weird since I only go to his family outings. As for money, he has potential of making a lot more money in the future with where he works which could give our children a good life but at the sacrifice of my happiness. I don't want to be intimate with him. I don't want to hang out with him. I actually prefer to go places by myself than with him. My anger comes out around him for all the crap that frustrates me about him. He won't try counseling or talking with anyone. I suggested one if his family members (since we are close to them) but his says no, they will side with me over him. I just do not know what to do anymore. I know there are 2 sides to the story and this is mine but Any suggestions? Good bad or ugly.. I'll take them all. I feel as though I shouldn't complain because people have it worse. And I have had it worst in my past marriage but I feel so unhappy everyday. Thanks for any advise and thanks for reading my long post.


@UnhappyMomma Welcome to TAM!
Before I comment on your marriage, I’ll tell you something that will help you get support. If you would “edit” your post (3 dots in the upper right) and put some paragraphs in there, just break up the sentences every few lines, it would be so much easier to read and more people will come on to comment.

I'm sorry to hear about the state if your marriage, you are clearly frustrated and at your wits end. I agree with your assessment that he is a child, not a man who is taking care of his family.

Unfortunately, I think it will take a big shock to get him to wake up. I think you will have to follow through on those threats to divorce.

If you go see a lawyer and get the ball rolling, there is a fair chance he will snap out of it. At least enough to agree to counseling. But if he doesn't then you’ll be on your way to being free of him.

Do you go to church? Could someone there talk to him?

What about his parents or siblings, could you talk to them?

I’m really not pro-divorce and think you should fix this marriage. But you made the mistake of settling for him and now you're trying to fix it. Well...he might not fix.

Best of luck to you unhappyMomma, I hope you can become “happymomma”


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## UnhappyMomma (4 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> @UnhappyMomma Welcome to TAM!
> Before I comment on your marriage, I’ll tell you something that will help you get support. If you would “edit” your post (3 dots in the upper right) and put some paragraphs in there, just break up the sentences every few lines, it would be so much easier to read and more people will come on to comment.
> 
> I'm sorry to hear about the state if your marriage, you are clearly frustrated and at your wits end. I agree with your assessment that he is a child, not a man who is taking care of his family.
> ...




Thank you for your response.

I took the advise and broke up the sentences. Thank you for that! 

Now for answers.

I have asked for him to talk to anyone and he refuses. Family, friends, professionals etc. It does not matter, he won't. 

I have talked to his mom about some issues in the past. She thinks he needs to grow up and man up and she has said that to him but it last about a week and he goes back to lazy and grumpy.

In the beginning, he was not like this. He was helpful, caring, paid attention to everything. But I guess that was the honeymoon phase as everyone states.

I have already signed a waiting list for an apartment in my area that would keep my kids in the same school district. 

Maybe I should talk to a lawyer and see what all I would need going into a divorce.

I just don't want to beg for the bare minimum and showing my children that this is acceptable. 

I just feel like the reasons above seem so stupid to consider divorce.


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

UnhappyMomma said:


> Thank you for your response.
> 
> I took the advise and broke up the sentences. Thank you for that!
> 
> ...


They aren't stupid. But it is normal you feel like this. Divorce is stressful and you are trying to find the way that is less stressful to you. But at the end staying with him will be more stressful on the long run.

He won't change. He most likely has some sort of personality disorder that results from his childhood or genetics or both. He kind of never grew to become a man and he'll never.
By bagging and telling him, you only become his mother and not his partner. On his own he isn't going to change.

Him being grumpy is a result of some sort of depression. Television and PC are gates to escape reality. The more pressure he faces the more he will withdraw from reality.
Why? *

You know, we only love people who give us what we need and desire. Some people need and want to get punished, some don't. Question is what type of person you are.
*___*
*Does he prefer being on his own generally?
It sound to me he belongs to the cluster of *covered schizoid personality*.

They have very low sex drive when it comes to having sex with other people (or they prefer sex wuth strangers and no emotions), they like virtual reality or scifi over reality and human contacts, the have low affection and are rather grumpy.

*Covered schizoids *other then normal schizoids (there are two types) can hide their true character for a while in front of others. This makes them appear very social and kind to the outside world. They are always helpful, friendly and open in front of others or at the beginning of a relationship. But once they are at home or the relationship is settled, they put off their mask. 
You discover them only of you get closer. 

They also lack interesst in their own children and get grumpy and aggressive towards them, as they don't want to be interrupted by anyone and don't feel the need for emotional closness to anyone.
A spouse is for covered schizoid only a disguise to hide their true self from the outside.

As for the kids, it would be better to give them enough space away from him if he is schizoid. Being exposed to him daily, will trigger his own children to become the same as they might have inherited the genetics for this personality.

If your husband is schizoid you have to keep an eye on his biological child and invest extra time in its emotional development. Otherwise it will become the same most likely. But no garantee it can be prevented.

You see there are a lot of reasons for you to take thinks serious enough to leave.


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## UnhappyMomma (4 mo ago)

elliblue said:


> They aren't stupid. But it is normal you feel like this. Divorce is stressful and you are trying to find the way that is less stressful to you. But at the end staying with him will be more stressful on the long run.
> 
> He won't change. He most likely has some sort of personality disorder that results from his childhood or genetics or both. He kind of never grew to become a man and he'll never.
> By bagging and telling him, you only become his mother and not his partner. On his own he isn't going to change.
> ...


Thank you for your different point of view. I appreciate it, really! It definitely makes me think about things I didn't see before.


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## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

@UnhappyMomma

welcome to the site. I’m going to keep this short & sweet. You are not his mother. Quit “telling” him what do. Call for a discussion with him. Lay out chores that need to be done and let him lay them out too. Then y’all sign up for them. Same for setting a budget together so he can see that y’all need more to keep house running. No matter what, stop doing what he fails to do (unless it will cause y’all to lose your home).
Let him see what happens when you don’t do nearly everything. If he laughs about this plan or doesn’t participate, you will need to file for divorce.
What man let’s his family nearly lose their home over laziness.?? I mean I could not live with that stress. I would rather live in a much smaller space, divorced, than to deal with that constant stress.

So not as short as I promised but, truly, you cannot make him get a job or better job, just like you can’t make him not take naps and play video games instead of playing with his child. Think about if you really want to spend rest of your life with someone that would let their child’s home be lost so easily.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

UnhappyMomma said:


> .....Back story, I am in my late 30's, husband is in his early 40's. We both have been married before. We met about 10 years ago. Got married within a year of dating. We both have children from previous marriages and then one together.
> 
> We have always had a rocky marriage, lack of intimacy, arguing, laziness etc. After a year of marriage we considered divorce. We worked through it and was ok for a few years.
> 
> ...


Wow. First off, I think that you have listed lots of important things. Yes, it is from your perspective, but you also have indicated some of your shortcomings.

It is clear that you and your H got married without really thinking things through and knowing each other as well as you should. Getting pregnant never helps improve a bad marriage. 

Sex and Financial problems are the two biggest problems that lead to divorce. Your marriage has problems in both areas. You have a high sex drive and complain about not having the sex you need, but don't want to have sex with him anymore. You are obviously struggling financially, but your H doesn't seem to want to buckle down and help financially support his family as much as you do. Covid has destroyed the finances of way too many families and their careers.

You can't change your H, only he can change himself and then only if he wants to. Your telling him to apply for jobs, to stop being lazy, to fix things around the house is not going to really make him change his nature.

You need to ask yourself if you are better off with him or without him. Stop saying that "he might earn a lot of money and be able to support your children." That is wishful thinking. You can't make him do something he doesn't want to do. You have lots of experience in that area.

You post makes it pretty clear what you want to do. It also makes it clear that nothing is going to change much if you stay his wife. You need to decide what you really want to do. I think you already know the answer.

Good luck.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Sorry your here...It looks like you have really gone the extra mile to make things work. And it hasn't worked. I would have that " Hail Mary Pass " talk with your husband. Lay it out on the line... if x , w. z doesn't happen then HE will have ended your marriage and you will move on. Period . 

Live with it , or get rid of it...

See à lawyer. 

Best of luck , Jimi


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

UnhappyMomma said:


> Thank you for your response.
> 
> I took the advise and broke up the sentences. Thank you for that!
> 
> ...


Yes, absolutely you should talk to a lawyer. It makes good sense even if you decide not to go forward with it, you need to understand your options so you can make decisions now.

As far as a role model... precisely right. Think about those kids. Having your husband for a role model is going to lead them into a miserable life. Don't do that to them. Stand up now and show them how to act when you're in a bad situation with someone and improve your life so they see the right and happy way to live.

Last, I would say the reasons you listed are not stupid at all. They are valid reasons for any spouse to be unhappy, and if he doesn't work with you to change then it's reasonable by the laws in most states to end it. Your lawyer will help you there.


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