# need help with the aftermath



## lynnie21 (Apr 7, 2012)

About 4 months ago i had an affair with a married man, I am also married, it lasted total about a month. My husband and i are trying to work on things and fix the problems, but it feels like we keep going around in circles and aren't moving forward, one step forward and two steps back. he keeps asking me why i did it and i cant seem to give him a good answer. Here is a summery of the situation.
I have been with my husband since we were 17, we had our first child when we were 18 got married at 21, second child at 22 and we are now 27. I have always worked and supported our family while my husband worked on finishing up his degree, which has taken longer than expected. since last may i have worked as a bartender at a bar/restaurant. We seemed to be the happiest we have ever been, but i feel like the weight of all the burdens and stress of life began to wear on me and last fall i began a flirtatious relationship with a regular bar guest. His wife had just had their second child, and a week later my husband found a job out of state and went away to work. While he was gone i went on three dates with my affair partner and was intimate with him, (did not have sex). I told my husband over the phone, he could tell something was going on because i was acting so different. I had promised him it was over and we would talk and work on things. The next day i lied to him again and went to go see the other man and was sexual with him. My husband came home the next morning, i immediately lied but he knew, then i told him the truth. I took that following week off of work and spent the week "working" on things with my husband, the next week the other man came into my work and i told him i couldn't talk to him anymore and not to come up to my work, the next day he come up again, then again the next day, all it took was his persistence and i was back in, he told me i was important to him, said what i wanted to hear and the next week i thought i could be sneaky and i went after work to have a drink with him and lied to my husband about it. He knew because he had tracking on my phone i didnt realize, and he kicked me out of the house that night. I could have gone to my dads to sleep but instead i slept in my car, the next day i wen to a pay phone to call the other man and tell him all that happened. My husband found a few addresses and hunted out his house, he found it and my affair partners mom answered the door with his newborn baby, my husband got to meet. His mom gave my husband the OM wife's phone number he left their house and called her and told her everything ( i was honest to my husband in the meantime about all the details of the affair). In turn she kicked her husband out that afternoon as well. So my affair partner and i met up talked about all that had happened had drinks, decided we were going to stay the night together at a hotel, and then went out to dinner. I didnt realize my husband still had GPS on my phone still, and after the fact i found out he had followed us to the restaurant and watched us, and followed us back to the hotel tried to confront us before we went into the hotel but got caught in traffic. he couldn't get in the hotel so he called the cops on me. the cops knocked at the hotel door, pulled me aside and told me my husband and kids are outside and he wants me to come out and talk, i refused and told them to tell him to take our kids home and put them to bed because it was a school night. That night my affair partner and i had sex. the next day i went to work, i talked to my AP once and he said that his wife wanted to have late lunch and talk about things. I got back to the hotel room after work and all his things were gone, talked to him after that and he cried to me and said he was sorry that it was so hard and he couldn't be away from his daughter, he asked me to call him in the morning. The next morning i called him and he said he would rather be with me than his wife but he didn't know what to do right now, i told him not to call me again or ever show up at my work again (things which him and his wife had already decided im sure). That was the last time i have talked to him. 
Since then my husband and i have been on an insane roller coaster and i feel like there is no way he will ever be able to forgive me for what i've done, I dont think i would even forgive me. Or that he will ever be able to look at me the same. Please help, any advice from people who have been in similar situations?


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

4 months is an incredibly short time to get over an affair, usually these things take at-least 5 years to recover from. I don't understand how you expect him to be over it so quickly after he confronted you before you had sex with the other man but you still went ahead and did it? That's just unrealistic.


You have to have alot more remorse and patience than this if you want to save this relationship. Your husband is going through pure agony right now.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

There was an identical thread here a couple of months ago from the husbands point of veiw. What state do you live in?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

What have you actually done to earn his forgiveness? All I read here is how at every turn you chose to betray your marriage.

You even had the gall to have sex with the scum bag OM while your husband and kids sat in the car outside the hotel. Please explain how you were able to get inthe mood with them sitting outside? What kind of twisted values does it take to get off with your kids waiting outside in the car hoping mom isn't a skank. Perhaps you had the cops explain the facts to him and the kidson why you had the right to use the cops to drive them off do you could cheat thst night.

It also sounds like you would still be cheating if the OM hadn't thrown you under the bus. Real nice guy btw, have a new born kid while bonking you. Yep, a real keeper there!

So what have you done since all this to earn a second chance?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

chapparal said:


> There was an identical thread here a couple of months ago from the husbands point of veiw. What state do you live in?


I believe this is cheating wife side of that tale.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

chapparal said:


> There was an identical thread here a couple of months ago from the husbands point of veiw. What state do you live in?


Hmmm this might be Sean's wife


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## lynnie21 (Apr 7, 2012)

-Clearly i do not expect him to "get over" it by any means. All I meant by that is that it is hard to see how it is even possible. Every single day it feels like it is the same conversations over and over about the details, ect.

-i dont see why it would matter if my husband posted on this forum or not, or what relevance that would have to anything, but yes.

-I know what I did was utterly horrible and disgusting. I do realize that. I am not posting on here to have other people verify how disgusting it was, I am asking for some help to get through this with my husband.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The troubling part here is she clearly is only with Sean because the OM ditched her. She was willing to give up her husband and kids for a slime ball that would cheat on his wife who was home caring for his new born. What kind of filth is the OM that he would do that? And how could the OP possibly be attracted to something that borders on pure evil.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Are you in any kind of therapy to deal with your horrible personal boundaries and your ability to even be attracted to something as awful as the OM?

Btw, I have a lot of respect for your husband. He took the lies he was being fed and turned it around on the OM. The OM had been preying on his wife and family without any consequences or care for the children he was hurting. Your husband proved who the real man was and took scumbag down.

For starters you should be applauding your husbands tenacity and balls. He did quit you, even though you had chosen to lie and walk away from him and the kids. Your husband is damn fine father and man.

You also need to admit and mean it,that this OM is a walking trash can of morals.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

lynnie21 said:


> -Clearly i do not expect him to "get over" it by any means. All I meant by that is that it is hard to see how it is even possible. Every single day it feels like it is the same conversations over and over about the details, ect.


So you're at your wits end and can't cope with the constant interrogations? That's perfectly understandable, from his point of view, the wounds are still fresh and some wounds never heal to be honest. 

In my opinion there isn't a way to go about this unless you demand he go easy with all the questioning without looking like you want him to get over it. I actually told this to Sean, I told him if you know she's remorseful and wants to work on things you have to cut her some slack otherwise you're not reconciling.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Ok, so why do you think he keeps interrogating you? What does he think is missing? Details? Your tre reasons? Or perhaps he is hoping to break through to you and get you to meaningfully see who awful the OM is and for you to realize the you should be fighting fr you husband as hard as he fought for you.

Have you come back to him and made him your priority? Have you put your energy and passion into him? Have you fought for him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lynnie21 (Apr 7, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Are you in any kind of therapy to deal with your horrible personal boundaries and your ability to even be attracted to something as awful as the OM?
> 
> Btw, I have a lot of respect for your husband. He took the lies he was being fed and turned it around on the OM. The OM had been preying on his wife and family without any consequences or care for the children he was hurting. Your husband proved who the real man was and took scumbag down.
> 
> ...



You are not being helpful, clearly the OM is a trash can, and my husband is amazing which i stupidly clouded myself from. We are trying to work on things and nothing your saying is helpful, your just stating the obvious.


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## lynnie21 (Apr 7, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Ok, so why do you think he keeps interrogating you? What does he think is missing? Details? Your tre reasons? Or perhaps he is hoping to break through to you and get you to meaningfully see who awful the OM is and for you to realize the you should be fighting fr you husband as hard as he fought for you.
> 
> Have you come back to him and made him your priority? Have you put your energy and passion into him? Have you fought for him?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He is my priority, i have also given him every disgusting detail he has asked for, again and again and it hurts everytime. He fought for me when he knew he lost me, and now i dont know how i am supposed to "fight" for him. The ups and downs every day are so difficult to cope with mentally and emotionally, we will be so happy one minute and then in the next breath we are taking about how i lied and deceived him so horribly. I dont even feel like i could forgive me for what ive done if i was him.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I know he does love you. that much was clear as he fought for you.

At some point you both need to say that you've flogged the what about the affair to death, and it's now time to talk about what next.

Clearly you've got a family together and he does very much love you. 

So I guess the next first step is do you feel passion and respect for him again? 

If you do, then the two of you need to decide together to focus on each day and on making tomorrow better than today.

His faith and trust is gone. They need to slowly be rebuilt. His faith in himself is also gone. That needs work ASAP.

Have the two of you engaged a counselor that you both like and that has experience in cheating?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

On the topic of revisiting and talking about what you did. Have you simply tried a simple "Yes I did, and I completely regret doing that" each and every time it comes up. Don't engage in discussion, exploration etc. Just put it out there as a truth between the two of you. No debate on either side. 

follow it up with "But, I'm here now and I'm here to make tomorrow much much better than that"


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

Some times I get sick of talking about my H's A and I get sick of feeling things because of it and I get tired of it. I have now given my H one day a week where there is not talk about his A and no talk about working on things. I got so sick of the merry- go-round I had put us on in reaction to his A that I did something about it. I started a "breather" day. One day where it is not allowed to be the subject of conversation, hinted too, or even registered.

Do you think your H would be willing to agree to set aside couple time during the week that bans the talking and working on things so you can simply spend time being together again. I know that it has only been four months but it might be something he can do. You do need to enjoy each other too if you are going to move on. 

I felt like it had consumed me and our friendship and marriage (It did) and I wanted to take it all back so I did. That is all I can suggest other then just hanging in there. I have no idea what it is like to be the WS but I noticed how consumed I became and how I was stopping us from going forward and now we go days and sometimes weeks with out it haunting every moment but Dday for us was a long time ago. Good luck.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

The posters before me are being very kind to you. I'm going to tell you that you need to let your H ask you until he is blue in the face. This is your cross to bear. If you can't handle his interrogations, tell him so, and if they continue at this rate it's probably best if you call it quits. Frankly, the fact your husband knew of your cheating and chased you and the OM around town, and THEN you STILL slept with the OM again, is despicable.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

How do you deal with it? You keep doing whatever your husband asks. It will hurt. You hurt him. Take your medicine. This will literally take years to play out. If he even keeps you. Some things just can't be fixed.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> the cops knocked at the hotel door, pulled me aside and told me my husband and kids are outside and he wants me to come out and talk, i refused and told them to tell him to take our kids home and put them to bed because it was a school night. That night my affair partner and i had sex.


You still had sex with the OM even Sean was waiting outside with kids in the rain. The image itself is heartbreaking. Not only did you not go back with him into the hotel, you went ahead and had sex with the other guy without protection and he came in you. That is not what you do in to loved ones. Even the worst of cheaters had the decency to hide their cheating from their partners. It is one thing to cheat in secret. To do it right in front of his face is utter cruelty. And to do it with someone who just wanted to f*ck the wife of the guy who got him kicked out of the house is even worse. What did you expect? That he would give up his wife for you?

You don't simply do something like that to your loved ones. Heck, you don't want to subject your worst enemy to such cruelty. And he was your partner for almost 10 years? I am not sure how Sean(your husband) can recover from such trauma. I've asked him to leave you. But he still wants to hang on and rediscover something he had with you. He loves you so much. Poor guy

Tell me this. Why do you want to reconcile? Do you want to reconcile for the right reasons ?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Ok, now That I vented, I think reconciliation takes 3-5 years of consistent hard work(If he wants to). There is no magic pill. I agree with the other poster though. He will have to control his anger if the reconciliation has to work. I'll send you a link

Edit: That said, I remember that he said it wasn't you first affair either. He mentioned that you had one more affair when you were pregnant with your kid. You promised him then that this won't happen again. But now that it happened again(and much worse), he says that you cannot promise him that this won't ever happen again. How do you expect him to reconcile in these circumstances ? Maybe you are not fit for relationships or you are just looking for exit affairs while the guilt of splitting the family is holding you back.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Prior to your adulterous affair, you and your husband went through a lot together. Getting pregnant very young, getting married young, having kids, and dealing with financial problems.

You were with your husband for 10 years. You met another man, one who was married and had a young baby who frequented a bar and was open to hitting on and picking up women, instead of going home to his wife and newborn child. You decided that this was a good man, you had an affair with him, and you fell in love with him.

During the course of your affair, you lied to your husband numerous times. You never lied to your other man. 

You knew the other man for about a month, and were given a very clear choice one night at a hotel: go inside and have sex with the other man, or go out in the parking lot and go home with your husband and your kids. You chose the other man.

Next, the other man had to decide between you and his wife. You waited around while he made the decision. Finally, the other man decided. He chose his wife over you. Then, and only then, you decide to go back to your husband and kids.

So, in your husband's mind, he feels he is your second choice. He feels like the booby prize. Not only that, but look at who he is second choice to - some guy who hangs out in a bar while he has a wife and newborn at home hitting on women who you had known for only about a month, after having been through thick and thin with your husband for 10 years. In your husband's mind, he is thinking, even if I was a horrible husband, how could she cheat on me with such a lowlife? She didn't even pick out a decent guy to cheat with, she went for a slimeball who hangs out at bars to cheat on his wife. She just took the first thing to come along. What will happen if a half-way decent guy ever shows any interest? She'll be gone in a heartbeat. She's definitely with me now only because of the kids. She's already shown that she doesn't love me. THIS is what is going on in the back of your husband's mind.

In order to get your marriage back on track, you are going to have to change your husband's perception. You already have lied to him so many times, he will not believe you when you tell him. You cannot convince him with words. He doesn't know if your words are lies. You must convince him with actions.

If you haven't done this already, you have to stop working in a bar. Men go to bars to pick up women. A few months ago, you were picked up in a bar. Your husband will never get over this if you continue to work in a bar.

You have to throw yourself at your husband at every possible moment and make him feel he is the most desirable man in the world. You have to bomb him with love and affection. Tell him you love him, hug him, kiss him, try to initiate sex with him. You have to show enthusiasm for being with him and make him feel that you are very happy to see him every time. This is going to be very hard. You have kids. You have financial problems. He has flaws. He is mean to you sometimes. If you want to heal him from this affair, you have to suck it up and ignore all these things and show him only how happy you are to be with him. You can't do this forever if he doesn't start to improve. Just try it for a month. When you fail at it, just start it up again.

You have to give your husband access and passwords to all your accounts and communication devices. If you are very active on social media and have a lot of friends you communicate with electronically, I recommend cutting back on it for a while. It will be less for him to worry about. You also have to let your husband know where you are at all times. All of this you have to do willingly, you have to initiate letting him know what's going on, like it makes you happy to do so, not begrudginly like he's your father keeping tabs on his rebellious daughter.

You have to maintain no contact with the other man. You should write the other man a "no contact" letter, in your own handwriting, stating that you are very ashamed of your behavior, how terribly sorry you are for risking losing your husband and family, and if the other man contacts you again in any way, shape, or form, you will consider it harassment and file charges against him. Show the letter to your husband and make any changes to it that he wants, then let him mail it. If the other man does ever contact you, you have to tell your husband. If he finds out before you tell him, whatever work you have done to repair your marriage will be lost and you will be back at square one.

You also have to let your husband know immediately if any new men make a move on you. To the extent possible, you probably should avoid and limit your interactions with men to the extent possible for the next few months until your husband has more time to start to trust you and feel the love from you again.

If there's anything you haven't told your husband yet, about the affair or about contact with the other man since the affair, tell him now and be done with it. Every time a new detail or revelation comes up, you take giant steps backwards and undo the work you've done to fix your marriage.

Work hard on this for a month. Your husband has to perceive that you want him back really bad, not like it's hard work for you to stay with him. You have to be over-the-top enthusiastic about him. It's not something you can keep up forever. If you start to see good results, it will get easier. If not, you may have to start thinking about moving on, but at least you will know you tried your best. Give it a month.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

This place can be hard on cheaters, but you need to listen to us and heed our advice.
Having been on both sides of a cheating marriage, I got an insight to how bad it hurts.
This is not going to go away in a couple of months. My wife and I still have bumps over three years later. It's hard. Damn hard.
Are the two of you in counseling? If not, you need to be as soon as possible. I doubt that you will be able to do this on your own. Get help.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Not much to say, just press "like" on the previous posts. What you are doing is walking through the fire. And like others have said its a 3 to 5 year ordeal, if it gets better at all. If you are still tending bar, quit. You can either take the heat or you can't, remember you lit the fire that you are both in. The best thing I can wish for you at this point is........endurance. Your husband will never look at you the same again. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, that's obvious, because of what he's done so far to stay with you. He will always feel like your second choice. 

In closing there is only one thing that should make you want to quit this marriage, and its not his anger, sadness or depression, you deserve every bit of it. Its if he becomes bitter and contemptuous of you. Then you leave. It would not be good for HIM or your child to live in that environment. You will eventually find out. Also, the reasons that you keep getting 2x4s is that you are selfishly looking at this site, only for what you can get out of it. THE GREATEST THING THIS SITE OFFERS IS THE PERSPECTIVE OF THE BETRAYED SPOUSE, with or without the 2x4s. Their advice comes with their pain too. You can't separate it. So suck it up.

YOU just don't seem to understand that him enduring this roller coaster that YOU put him on, shows just how much he loves you. You want to end his roller coaster ride. Tell him not to love you as much. He gave everything to you. His self respect, his manhood, his emotional security and maybe even his future. I think you can deal if he can. If you can't, he's better off without you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

lyn,
If I remember correctly, one of your H big things was you still worked at the bar?

Another thing that helped me was my wife stopped hanging out with all her "new" friends. Often they were young and single. 

Get rid of those toxic friendship that effect the dynamic of the marriage. There is a large degree of submission to give your self completely back to your H. This coming from the guy with the cheating wife.

I think alot of work has to go in to understanding why you stayed in the room when the cops showed up and the kids were out side. This is the biggest part of the puzzle for your H. Sure this is alot more to this crap but again that one instintence has effected your H greatly and is one of the biggest events (in this affair) that the both of you need to examine and find the honest understand on why it went down the way it did.

Was there some kind of pressure on the OM part, what would keep you from getting out of that room and going to your children? Husband aside, your children were sitting in a hotel parking lot, you choice the OM. That is IMHO the big wall that your H has.

So I suggest that should be a big focus at your next IC/MC.

I could be wrong?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think OP has bailed folks. I don't think she expected to find a group who knew her story as it unfolded. We also didn't jump onto her support wagon. Yeah, the night at thr motel with the kids outside. Sean loves her, but that's the only thing keeping them going at the movement.

OP if your still here, I agent heard you say anything bad about the POSOM that came after a married woman while his wife was at hoe with a newborn. How do you honestly see him after you have had time? If he hadnt screwed you then dumped you, woud you still be willing to be his easy lay on the side? Even if he was still with his wife? I'm not looking for what you think we all wnt to hear.i want to hear how you actually feel. Are you willing to publically call him out ? Or is there this side of you that even now thinks he is good guy?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

lynnie21 please read and implement the following.

*"How to Rebuild Your Spouse's Trust After an Affair"*

*#1 Stop lying or making excuses for your actions.* If the victim spouse presents evidence of the affair, own up to it. You need to understand that the worst thing that could happen has already occurred. You were dishonest and unfaithful. Therefore, continuing to lie, twist, or deny is simply adding insult to injury. If you are looking your spouse in the eye and claiming to want the marriage to work then you cannot continue to lie about various odds and ends. You have been lying to your spouse for the entire duration of the affair; therefore, if you continue to lie now, it sets the reconciliation process way back. ''The victim spouse likely knows the answers to the questions they are asking, or can usually find out, so if you are interested in rebuilding trust in the relationship, '''STOP LYING'''.'' If your spouse discovers later - either on purpose or by accident - that you have lied about or left out salient details, they will likely never trust you again. Your only hope of regaining their trust is to give them the truth wholesale, and thus demonstrate your commitment to being honest with them, even about things that might hurt them. You are kidding yourself if you think you are protecting your spouse by "omitting" certain truths. If you had wanted to protect your spouse, you never would have allowed them to get hurt in the first place.

*#2 Be around*. While emotional availability in the days, weeks, and even months following the discovery of your affair is of the '''utmost importance''', keep in mind that ''you can only be emotionally available when you're around.'' Understand that, left alone, your spouse's thoughts will begin to eat away at them - they will have questions you are not there to answer, torment themselves with images you cannot dispel, and invent suspicions your absence will only worsen. ''Paranoia is only natural during this time''; in fact, it can hardly be called paranoia, as '''they are right to mistrust you - you have betrayed them deeply'''. Being around to answer their questions and soothe their thoughts will keep them from building up and causing future explosions down the road. If it is possible, this may be a good time to take some time away from your normal "alone" activities to spend with your spouse. If you can't be with them physically, keep your phone on whenever possible to answer their calls, and allow them as much access to you as they need. Depending on your spouse's temperament, you may need to respect their desire for time alone, but you need to keep ''yourself'' available to ''them.''

*#3 DO NOT get defensive or assign blame.* This is not the time to employ the old adage of “the best defense is a good offense.” This is the time to be contrite/regretful, remorseful, empathetic, compassionate, honest, and emotionally available. Do not say anything which will give the impression that the victim spouse drove you to cheat, or in any way contributed to your behavior. There will be plenty of time to pass the blame around later on during counseling sessions, or during times of productive conversation with your mate. Additionally, DO NOT waste time blaming the affair on anyone or anything else. DO NOT point the finger toward temptation, being under the influence or falling prey to a stalker or that he/she was someone that you came in contact with at work or via a friend. '''You should have no room for excuses anymore.''' Telling your spouse you did not realize what was happening is not only bogus, it devalues the victim spouse. The victim spouse will see right through these excuses and will view this as another attempt to keep them in the dark while you continue playing them for a fool. The best way to effectively deal with your spouse's anger, and start the process of rebuilding trust, is to ''take complete and full ownership of your own selfishness, immaturity, or basic destructive marital behavior.'' '''Remind yourself that it is quite possible that the victim spouse was enduring similar feelings of unhappiness or frustration, but instead made a conscious decision not to betray you.''

*#4 Treat your spouse as if they are the very center of your world.* While you should do this anyway, it is of ''monumental importance'' that you focus on this IMMEDIATELY following the discovery of the affair. This is a critical time in the recovery of your relationship; '''dedicate yourself to it.''' Being cheated on will make your spouse feel rejected, unimportant, and decidedly less than "special." Regardless of your reasons or given situation, your spouse will be under the rightful impression that you have chosen someone over them, which is a difficult thing for them to face after years of thinking they were the most important person in your life.'This is especially true if you were involved in a long term relationship.'Giving your spouse your full attention during this time will help them to regain the feelings of importance in your life, and will go a long way towards convincing them that you are unlikely to choose somebody over them again.'' If you can, also show and tell to other people and the world even more how much you care or love your spouse in order to help the victim spouse overcome all the humiliation and hurt this burden may have caused.

*#5 CUT any and ALL possible ties with the other man/woman.* Keeping a person in your life with whom you have had an affair is like trying to put toothpaste back into the tube. Not only is this a confusing message to the other person, ''it is also EXTREMELY DISRESPECTFUL to your spouse.'' It does not matter if you have known this other man/woman since kindergarten, or have to see this person at work. It is time to break those ties. '''Do what you must to avoid any contact.''' Convincing yourself that you need to talk to them to 'break it off' only communicates that their feelings, not your spouse's, are what you are most concerned about. Once you have allowed another individual to permeate, invade or undermine your marital union, there is no place for this person in your life. ''You simply cannot expect your victim spouse to move past the affair as long as you continue communicating with, seeing, or having any type of relationship with this other man/woman.'' '''It is in fact an insult''' to the intelligence of your current spouse for you to say that you can maintain a professional, platonic, or otherwise innocent relationship with this ''destructive individual''. Furthermore, '''because this person had an affair with a married man/woman, most likely they have absolutely NO RESPECT for your marriage.''' Continuing to work with, hang out with, email or chat with this person is probably the single worst possible thing to do if you are wanting to repair your marriage.

*#6 Your life MUST be an open book.* ''You no longer have the '''luxury''' of coming and going as you please.'' Once you have ''abused'' that privilege, ''it takes a while and a whole lot of effort to get it back.'' Therefore, if you will be late coming home from work, or have had a change in plans, inform your spouse. Every time you leave the house your spouse is now wondering if you are going where you say you are going. The best way to ease their insecurities is to check in throughout the day. Invite your spouse places you usually go alone like to the game, the gym or the mall. Let your spouse know that you have nothing to hide. Additionally, do not hide your cell phone or set the ringer on silent. If your spouse requests, give them your email and voice mail pass codes. In fact, if you have nothing to hide then offer your spouse the codes without them having to ask. Don't lock your cell phone, call log or address book. Offer to let your spouse see your phone bills, and keep the credit card or bank statements in plain view on the kitchen table. ''Although your spouse may never choose to check these things, the simple fact that you made them available for his/her perusal will be a HUGE step in regaining their trust.'' Although you may feel as though some of these are a violation of your privacy, you need to know that these steps are absolutely NECESSARY if you are trying to rebuild trust. Saying that you are on the straight and narrow while continuing to hide your cell phone or spending is counterproductive to your stated goal of wanting to rebuild your marriage.

*#7 Be prepared to answer any and all questions about information that your spouse has a legitimate right to know.* Your spouse is going to want lots of details and ask questions about things you may not want to answer, but too bad. Your spouse is going to cross reference your prior stories and ask you to confirm if “this” or “that” was a lie. You simply need to fess up. ''The worse thing you can do is to conceal information because you don't want to hurt your spouse.'' Remember, they have already been '''hurt beyond belief''', so continuing to withhold additional information gives the appearance of an attempt to continue the ''deception''. Your spouse needs to get a general understanding of how intense the relationship was, and how long it lasted. Although this may be one of the most difficult steps in the process, it is one of the most important. It is extremely difficult for a betrayed spouse to know that there is another man/woman in the world who has more information about their marriage then themselves. That there are people that know about that relationship and may be talking about your marriage. Therefore, asking multiple questions helps the betrayed spouse get up to speed, thus obtaining necessary information to deal with feelings of being in the dark while their spouse was gallivanting or mooching around with their lover/relationship.

*#8 '''Do not ever''' attempt to dictate the length of time the victim spouses recovery should take.* You are the one who brought the outsider into the marriage, and therefore, '''you are in no position to dictate when the victim spouse should be “over it”.''' The truth of the matter is, the victim spouse will never fully be “over it”, but may simply learn how to mentally move past the affair. When a person is hurting, they typically share their pain with the closest person to them. As their spouse, you are the one they will vent to, even though it is you that caused the pain. Additionally, you may feel as though since you've confessed, apologized and vowed to remain faithful, things should now return to normal. That is simply NOT the case. '''One of the worst things that can happen is for the adulterous spouse to begin acting as though its “business as usual”.''' Deciding to remain in a relationship after your spouse has cheated is a '''Major decision''' and one which can be both '''very humiliating and enormously stressful.''' ''DO NOT downplay the GREAT MAGNITUDE of that decision by behaving as though nothing happened.'' '''For the next few years''', the adulterous spouse '''needs''' to periodically wrap their arms around their mate, kiss them, and THANK them for another chance. Additionally, 'acknowledge' how much you hurt your spouse, how difficult it must be for them to get over the pain, and '''vow to do whatever necessary to make things better…forever.''' Although it may seem as though such actions will revive the pain, that is simply not the case. ''Acknowledging the degree of pain you put your spouse through, and expressing appreciation for another chance'', gives the victim spouse the impression that you not only are mindful of their pain, but that as long as you are aware of their struggle to overcome the ordeal, you will be less likely to make such awful choices again in the future.

*#9 Choose your battles wisely.* Keep in mind that now is not necessarily the time to pick fights over certain topics, particularly those related to privacy and possessiveness. Your spouse is feeling betrayed and frightened; it is only natural for them in this state to project those fears onto situations that bear (in their mind) any resemblance to your affair. If a random stranger flirts with you, or buys you a drink at a bar, and your spouse becomes agitated, remember that your spouse has an '''understandable right''' to this possessiveness; you have shaken their feelings of security in the relationship, and it is openness and understanding that will gain this back, not combativeness and arguments. ''Rather than angrily asserting your rights, you will do much better to gain their trust by assuring them of their importance to you and soothing their bruised ego and wounded heart with compliments and understanding.''

*#10 '''Do not''' behave inappropriately or create future problems.* Don't put yourself in situations which will cause your victim spouse undue stress. Putting your friends before your spouse, joining singles website, spending time with friends of opposite sex, or available singles, and forming relationships with them, is certainly not wise. Even with work relationships keep the conversations to a minimum, remember that this is how relationships begin or cross messages are sent. ''It is extremely selfish and disrespectful to your spouse.'' Additionally, make your spouse aware when you anticipate coming into contact with the other man/woman. If you suspect the other man/woman might be at the holiday party, let your spouse know in advance. Also, if you run into, or have contact with, the other man/woman unexpectedly, let your spouse know as soon as possible. Nothing is worse than finding out about contact with the other man/woman that the victim spouse did not know about. It gives the impression of further secrecy and deception. Trust me, it won't hurt your spouse to know the other man/woman is contacting you as much as it will hurt them to discover you hid that information. ''Believe me, during this time of broken trust, full disclosure is always the best route.''

*#11 Use this '''opportunity''' to create a new relationship with your spouse.* Be open to opportunities to bring each other closer together. Remember that your spouse now views your relationship as broken, and they're right to think so. The key, then, is to forge a new relationship in as many ways as possible. '' Finding new places to spend time and share activities together will help this.'' Make sure that he or she and everyone around you (i.e.family, friends, children) can see that your spouse means the world to you and is NOW being put first in your life. '''Speak highly of your spouse in a genuine way, being careful to protect their reputation when you speak to others'''--talking badly about them behind their backs is ''not only a BIG MISTAKE but also BAD BEHAVIOR'' (it may also reflect badly on you as their spouse). You and your spouse (and your children) are one family that must always protect, support, and lift each other up all the time especially from strangers and NOT the other way around. This may even be an opportunity, in the fullness of time and once the recovery process is very well on its way, to renew your wedding vows. Help your partner to see that you have created something new, stronger, and therefore not threatened by the sins of your past or the likelihood of future infidelities.


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## lynnie21 (Apr 7, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> On the topic of revisiting and talking about what you did. Have you simply tried a simple "Yes I did, and I completely regret doing that" each and every time it comes up. Don't engage in discussion, exploration etc. Just put it out there as a truth between the two of you. No debate on either side.
> 
> follow it up with "But, I'm here now and I'm here to make tomorrow much much better than that"


That is not enough, he asks me everyday how i could do this to him when i say i love him, how and why could i do what i did period. There is no answer good enough, i feel like i wasn't think logically, i was completely clouded by the excitement of everything new, and there is no good reason for it. and with that being said, he says how could he ever forgive me if i can't figure out why exactly i did it, because i could just as easily do it again. so lost and sad...


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you considered asking Sean to rejoin us here on TAM wth you?

Has he had any IC?

As for you, how do you feel about him and being married? Are you up for working on it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

What kind of input are you getting from IC and or MC?

It seems logical that having a new man was exciting, you thought he was going to leave his wife and be with you for ever. It was all a fantasy and you got sucked into it.

You got involved with a married man and though that he was the kind of guy you wanted him to be, he played you and you got schooled on the reality of all this adultory crap, the fantasy, now you know better. Don't you?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Lynnie, are you still working at the bar? I know for me, that would be a definite trigger. I could never get past it while you are working there, because every time you went to work I would be thinking about it. I also have to say, and forgive me for being crude, but I don't think after that kind of episode that I could leave my wife out of my sight without a little bit of "me" dripping out. At least in the short term.


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## lynnie21 (Apr 7, 2012)

I am still working at the bar, sean has almost never worked in our ten year relationship, i have been the sole supporter of our household, a huge burden to bear that has clearly worn on me. i haven't looked as hard as i should for a new job because for the hours i work and the money i make it is the best, neither has sean found a job yet to ease some of the financial burden. DO NOT mistake what i am saying, i need to find a new job asap, but we are in no financial position right now to be without an income at all, we struggle to pay our bills weekly.
We have not seen a marriage counsler yet, i am in therapy for myself. I plan to look around tomm for a marriage therapist. I honestly feel like sean shouldnt want to be with me, if i were him i would want nothing to do with me, besides our kids visitation. I see the other side of it, and i cant comprehend how i could have done what i did to him in all the severity of it, so how can i ever expect him to forgive me, i can't.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

The cheating is wrong but I can`t understand why your husband hasn`t supported his family for ten damn years.

WTF?

I`m betting that has something to do with your problems for sure.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Stop lying.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Lynnie, you tell us about the problems, but you didn't answer my questions about how you feel about the marriage and him?

Are you up for working on it? Or do you still find yourself drawn to the affair?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lynnie21 (Apr 7, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> I think OP has bailed folks. I don't think she expected to find a group who knew her story as it unfolded. We also didn't jump onto her support wagon. Yeah, the night at thr motel with the kids outside. Sean loves her, but that's the only thing keeping them going at the movement.
> 
> OP if your still here, I agent heard you say anything bad about the POSOM that came after a married woman while his wife was at hoe with a newborn. How do you honestly see him after you have had time? If he hadnt screwed you then dumped you, woud you still be willing to be his easy lay on the side? Even if he was still with his wife? I'm not looking for what you think we all wnt to hear.i want to hear how you actually feel. Are you willing to publically call him out ? Or is there this side of you that even now thinks he is good guy?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I'm still here shaggy, haven't gone anywhere.
My H has still had contact with the OM wife, about two months ago he talked to her and she said they were doing the best they ever were. I do think that the OM is a huge piece of crap, i can't even begin to imagine how his wife could forgive him for what his did while she was pregnant with their second child and then home with a newborn. If that was me, i would say unforgivable, but then again i dont know all that much about the dynamics of their relationship. 

I would like to think that i would never have lowered myself so low to be a married man's mistress, but when it comes down to it it sures appears thats what i was. Even with out a husband and kids i wouldnt want to be that person. I guess in my mind i thought he really like me and that he was willing to give his wife up for me. He told me the day after the hotel on the phone crying, that he would rather be with me than his wife, but it was just so hard and he couldnt be away from his daughter. Clearly that was him in damage control at the time, trying to keep me from telling sean everything about the hotel night. Orgionally we had agreed to not tell either spouse that we had sex that night, but it tore away at me continuing to lie, it was so ovious that we did anyways. 

TO ALL READERS, trust me when i say that everyday i have trouble looking at myself, how could i do what i did, it is a battle to wake up everyday to know that battles we will face throughout the day ahead. I have more trouble looking at my husband everyday wondering how he could love me, how could he ever want to still be with a person like me, im not worthy of receiving that kind of love. And he deserves better than what i have given him.


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## lynnie21 (Apr 7, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Lynnie, you tell us about the problems, but you didn't answer my questions about how you feel about the marriage and him?
> 
> Are you up for working on it? Or do you still find yourself drawn to the affair?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



As everyday passes i feel more and more hopeless about being able to work on our marriage, i am not drawn to the affair, i an ashamed and would never cause our family this kind of pain again. But everything makes me question if we are forcing this relationship, sean has always fought for us when we his difficult spots and i have always been the one to want to run away from our problems.
I love him very much, but our love for each other are clearly on different levels or i would have never done to him what i did


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## lynnie21 (Apr 7, 2012)

cheatinghubby said:


> Stop lying.


the lying has stopped. thanks


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Ok good, you've gotten to where you are seeing the OM for the piece of crap he truly is. No real man would do what he did. His poor wife is stuck with a selfish jerk. Pond scum if there ever was pond scum.

Now YOU need to come to terms with the truth that you allowed yourself to make hideous and hurtful decisions. You let the POS into your head, you, and your marriage. Accept that you were capable of being that freaking stupid. 

Next you need to decide that you choose never to go there again. That you will never let another man get close to you like that. The affair didn't start when you let him into your body. T didn't start when you let him kiss you. It started when you engaged him in talk beyond "what would you like to drink.". Btw, there are more scumbags out there just like him. They hang in bars hoping to eat desperate and stupid women who somehow don't recognize them for the trash they are.

So when you choose to never be t hat stupid selfish b1tch who chose that POS, then each day you can choose not to be her ever again. Just make sure you never ever take that first step again.

If you are still so conflicted as to your worth, then perhaps that is part of what is stopping Sean from moving on too. Perhaps he is worried you might give up and decide to become her again. 

If you can show him you hate her, and you won't ever allow her to come back, then maybe he will begin believing too.

So at the bar, what do you do now when a regular hits on you? Do you tell sean about it, or do you hide it out of fear it will trigger him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

When my fWW goes to the bar (work) she calls me when she get to work on her breaks, lunch and when she gets off and on her way home. 

This helped me alot!

Get some help from the doctor, maybe some antidepressents. See you need to fix your self before you can fix a relationship.

What are your thought about the main issue in which I think the "hotel seen" is not clearly understood. I mean has it been addressed with your IC? I just think sean has a major obsticle in understanding why it went down that way. 

I guess I can she the fantasy you had with OM at that time, but when your kids were there and you still made the choice you did, it just seems so crazy.

I hope sean can forgive, it will be in his own time, forgive your self and get the help for your self that will show sean you mean business in fixing your self and your marriage.

Stop giving up on your self and fight!

Damb it girl its not hopeless and your sh!tty additude is not helping so get your self out of this funk and fight for your family!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I really do hope for the best for you both. You should read up on the fog. It kind of explains how you were able to do it in the moment. I'm not trying to excuse you or rug sweep or anything. But I do think that your attitude is where it needs to be and I'm hopeful that you can get through it.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

:iagree:

I think the more you educate your self the better you will be able to heal from infidelity.

Face this crap head on and know everything you can about this painful sh!t.

Become a professor if you will. It may give you the understanding in how to move on with a better marriage.

What books have you read so far?


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If the roles were reversed what do you think you would want to hear and what actions would you want from your husband to ease your pain? Maybe these are the same things that Sean needs from you. I wish you luck.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> I do think that the OM is a huge piece of crap, i can't even begin to imagine how his wife could forgive him for what his did while she was pregnant with their second child and then home with a newborn. If that was me, i would say unforgivable, but then again i dont know all that much about the dynamics of their relationship


Psst...Did you not cheat on Sean when you were pregnant yourself? And didn't the OM cheat on his pregnant wife with you? Or did you not know that he is married?

That said, 10 years in a relationship without a job is indeed an issue unless you both agreed upon him being a Stay at Home Dad. How is he able to support himself now? 

And did this affair not make him lose his only job? (He quit and moved back, didn't he?)


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

lynnie21 said:


> I'm still here shaggy, haven't gone anywhere.
> My H has still had contact with the OM wife, about two months ago he talked to her and she said they were doing the best they ever were. I do think that the OM is a huge piece of crap, i can't even begin to imagine how his wife could forgive him for what his did while she was pregnant with their second child and then home with a newborn. If that was me, i would say unforgivable, but then again i dont know all that much about the dynamics of their relationship.
> 
> I would like to think that i would never have lowered myself so low to be a married man's mistress, but when it comes down to it it sures appears thats what i was. Even with out a husband and kids i wouldnt want to be that person. *I guess in my mind i thought he really like me and that he was willing to give his wife up for me.* He told me the day after the hotel on the phone crying, that he would rather be with me than his wife, but it was just so hard and he couldnt be away from his daughter. Clearly that was him in damage control at the time, trying to keep me from telling sean everything about the hotel night. Orgionally we had agreed to not tell either spouse that we had sex that night, but it tore away at me continuing to lie, it was so ovious that we did anyways.
> ...


This speaks how much of a choice Sean is. He is the fall back option. Maybe you resent him too much for putting the whole burden on you for so many years or you don't have much respect for him because of his unemployment and his dependence. You had an exit affair, only that the exit never happened. Not wanting to be with Sean will not make you a bad person. If you don't appreciate/respect him for whatever reason there might be, you are better off separate in the longer run. Guilt should not be the basis for rebuilding your relationship.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Lynn,

I have a few questions that might provide insight for better advice.

You say that Sean hasn't worked for most of the 10 years of the relationship. Is that a choice the two of you made? Did you accept the role of breadwinner voluntarily? If not do you harbor resentment toward Sean for placing you in this position?

What kind of bar is it that you work at? Can you describe the atmosphere a little?

You say that you are in IC. Is Sean in IC also? Has he agreed to go to IC? Did he ever go to IC to help with the emotional turmoil he is no doubt feeling? If not why not? How has he been dealing with his anger and resentment?

You mentioned you are looking for a MC. Make sure its one that has experience with infidelity. Why hasn't one been found yet? If Sean isn't working can't he spend some time looking for one? Or is he not interested in going?

I feel your anguish and confusion when you ask how you could have done those things. I know Sean can't understand how you could have done those things. The answer simply is that you were in a chemical induced fantasy. Nothing else but the affair mattered to you at the time. It isn't an excuse but it is an explanation. And its the truth whether either of you want to accept it or not.

But why you did what you did while in the affair isn't the question you should be asking. What you should be asking is how did you get into that position in the first place? What was it that allowed your boundaries to be breached? And how can you prevent that from happening again? Those questions can be addressed in IC and should be the focus of most of your sessions.

You should also be asking how can you rebuild the trust with Sean? That only happens through time and transparency. Right now you should be checking in frequently no matter where you are. Sean should visit you at the bar unannounced and you should enthusiastically welcome his visits. Facebook, cell phone, computer, etc should be open to him. You should continue to answer his questions honestly and without getting defensive. However, he should not use this questioning as an excuse for emotionally and/or verbally abusing you. That is why he needs IC as well. So that he can start processing things and you can both talk to each other in a civil manner.

You should both be going out together on "dates." You both need to spend some time together away from the house and children. This is not negotiable. It is a requirement. You both need to re-bond with each other.

Keep posting here on TAM. As harsh as some of the posts may seem everyone here is volunteering their time and energy. Nobody gets paid for this. And I would say almost all of the posters are very fair in how they approach things. True most are BS that have suffered and often side with other BS. But they are also fair minded and will not hesitate to call out a BS if that person is wrong. Sharing your thoughts is therapeutic and the more you share and talk the better you'll feel about your situation.


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## lynnie21 (Apr 7, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> Lynn,
> 
> I have a few questions that might provide insight for better advice.
> 
> ...



The choice in the beginning (8 years ago) was that i would work and support the family until sean got his degree. this should hae been, at most 5years. This is probably one of his biggest dowfalls as he has continually messed up in school. we live in subsadized housing which our rent is based on our income, so we hae always used that as the reason for me to be the one working, in restaurant industry. I was waiting for sean to finish his degree then whne he could work i would take my turn to get my degree. This has clearly not worked out, and has been a huge source of problems for us. I would say that it is also a huge source of resentment for me, some can say its selfish, maybe it is. He was ok i suppose about doing things around the house, not at all what i would call a "stay at home dad" on top of working full time, all too many nights i would come home from working 10 hours and begin doing dishes and picking up toys, doing laundry, ect. I felt worn thin, but i have asked for help before and it would go in waves, he'd help out for a week and then not for a month. all too many countless days i would work all night get home at 3 or 4 in the morning then get up a few hours later to take our kids to school. we have since talked about these problems and he recognizes it and has apologized for putting so much burden on me, but still now because of new reasons (depression from my affair) doesnt help out as much as he could.

He doesnt like my IC, i am working a finding a new one, ive asked him if he wants me to find one, but he feels like they really dont help and that they are "stupid". He feels that it is my place to find us a mc, and on our roller coaster of not sure from one day to the next if we are even going to be together, i havent buckled down and found on.

I work at a bar/restaurant. daytime there are kids in there, its a littel higher class, drinks are about $10 each and on weekend they have a stage with dj's and live bands.

The chemical influenced fantasy explanation is not enough for sean, he wont have it, it still makes no sense and when we talk about the A it still feels like yesterday and pouring salt in the wound. I can understand that, because that is how it felt, but its not enough for him.

I am very transparent for him, and i have no problem doing that. As far as dates, we have gone on some, none recently because our financial situation doesnt call for it. It feels like there are always little hiccups every couple days. For april fools he set out a condom wrapper to make me think he had sex while i was gone, he wrote april fools on it, i understand why he did it, but it still isnt productive to ever move forward.

One of the most difficult things for me is, especially when he starts talking about the steps of the affair and what he was feeling every step of the way, is that If i were in his shoes feeling the pain and agony i have put him through and still suffers everyday, i could never forgive me. I dont know if i can ever forgive myself for what i have done, I feel so lost.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

It's only been 4 months , so he is still grieving the loss of your relationship. That's holding him back from beginning working on the new marriage you two must build now. But he really should talk to someone to be like a sounding board to work through things and not just let them fester.

Dates are anytime just the two of you can be away together. A date can be throwing a frisbee in the park so don't use $$ as an excuse.

On that idea of togetherness, exercise and bring outdoors in the sunlight will help with depression. Doing them together could give you two a double boost.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lynnie21 (Apr 7, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Psst...Did you not cheat on Sean when you were pregnant yourself? And didn't the OM cheat on his pregnant wife with you? Or did you not know that he is married?
> 
> That said, 10 years in a relationship without a job is indeed an issue unless you both agreed upon him being a Stay at Home Dad. How is he able to support himself now?
> 
> And did this affair not make him lose his only job? (He quit and moved back, didn't he?)


As for that situation this is my side note on that. To begin it was disgusting as well and there is no excuse for it. I ws 4 months pregnant when i thought i found out i might lose my baby as a healthy 21 yr old i could not understand it, i needed sean, i cried everyday, he wasnt there for me i went through my turmoil alone while he went out with his friends to clubs and bars , i felt alienated. went he left for a basketball trounament one weekend ( i was about 5 and a half months pregnant, and found out through an amnio that my baby was ok) i packed up all our things took them to my friends to store while i was looking for a new apartment (still the only one working at this time as well) and filed for a divorce and has him served with papers. I look bakc at this and i cant believe i acted so immature, selfsh and stupid, but it was also my desperation i wanted my husband to just be there for me and he wouldnt. During this time i stayed with my mom, and sean moved out about an hour away to live in a college town where he worked for the first time to support himself because he had to. My "friend" at the time gave my phone number to an old guy friend of hers that was going through marriage problems, this quickly turned into a phone sex relationship. This is difficult for me to admit because it is another one of my absolutely horrible disgusting decisions i have made. I lied about talking to anyone, and sean found out by reading a horrible email we shared. The day after he found out he had sex unprotected with another woman, then two days later came home and had sex with his pregnant wife, he didnt tell me about this other woman for 3 months because he didnt feel i was worthy of the truth. He feels that i cheated because of my disgusting phone sex relationship, but that he ddnt cheat because it was after i did to him what i did. There are many things wrong with all of this, but i worked hard to regain and rebuild us everyday, and i promised him i would never lie to him again and that if i felt anything, ie curiosity about other men, that i would tell him right away and never put him through what i did again. Then i did 4 years later which brings us to now.

The whole not working thing was not how we had planned on things, if you read my post above that explains it better. He was let go from his other job that he worked at for 2 weeks when my affair took off, and after everything he clearly didnt want to leave me alone again, so he quit looking for a job replacement. I am currently still supporting my family by working as a bartender.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You are still supporting him? Can you tell us his attitude to working in general? Is he a dead beat or is it a combination of circumstances and mutual decisions to be a SAHD?


edit: Never mind. Read your other post. Why did it take more than 5 years?

edit 2:


> My "friend" at the time gave my phone number to an old guy friend of hers that was going through marriage problems, this quickly turned into a phone sex relationship.


What is with you and married guys?


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Wow, this is wrong on so many levels.

IMO, you need to move on with your life and start making something of yourself instead of waiting on him. He's dragging you down and in today's economy the older you are, the harder it will be to find a job especially if you have little to no experience.

Maybe I missed it but if you're still in your 20s better make the move now instead of waiting it out. The economy isn't gonna get any better anytime soon and you don't want to be one of those looking from the outside later on in life.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Lynnie,

You need to work on you. You have a lot of resentment towards Sean. Some of the issues you mentioned need to be addressed.

Rightfully so, he should have finished school by now and be out working supporting your family.

You made a terrible choice to have an affair. You know it and are feeling the consequences.

You need to work on you so you never hurt your husband and family again.

However, I ended my last comment in Sean's thread with the following *"GO OUT GET A JOB CLOSE TO HOME AND SUPPORT YOUR FAMILY, STOP MAKING EXCUSES".*

If you love him, then work on you and your marriage. 

Be honest with him but most importantly be honest with yourself. It is the only way to live!!!

HM64


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

I have to agree. At this point whether Sean has finished school or not he needs to step up to the plate and support his family. I hope you both work it out but if you did both divorce he would have to work anyway. Why not buckle down now when it counts for something positive.

He also needs to go to IC. That should be mandatory at this point. His excuse that its stupid doesn't cut it. I know you were the one that was unfaithful but there are a lot of issues in this marriage that need to be addressed and some personal issues you each need to tackle. And there is no reason why he can't find a MC since he obviously has more free time.

I'm going to say this and maybe others do not agree. You sound remorseful and you sound like you are working on the relationship. I would say that you are trying to do the heavy lifting here. Yes, you and Sean could try to get out more and like Shaggy said you can do that without much money. But Sean needs to get his head out of his a$$. You are responsible 100% for the affair. But Sean is responsible for 50% of the marital problems before the affair. Also, reconciliation takes two people and right now it seems as if he is content to let you do it all. He needs to become an active participant in the marriage.

I followed Sean's thread intensely when things were happening. I know he suffered and is probably still suffering. But at some point he needs to start working through his issues and if he doesn't your marriage won't survive.


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## Wolfgar (Nov 15, 2011)

Thanks everyone for trying to offer up some advice to my wife and I 

I originally asked Lynnie to join this site because I thought it'd be good for her to read the stories of others that have gone through the hell we are experiencing now and perhaps talk to others that have been able to successfully reconcile. Since the affair she's been lost and it's frustrated us both. A rollercoaster of emotions doesn't even begin to describe it. She feels hopeless/worthless, feels like there's nothing she can do to make things better or atone for what she's done. I feel like I've proven my love for her time and time again and now after all this I'm still here willing to give our marriage a chance. IT'S HER TIME TO PROVE HER LOVE FOR ME AND FIGHT FOR OUR MARRIAGE/FAMILY. So far I feel like she hasn't done that.

If I let her she'd happily sweep this under the rug and pretend it never happened and I understand the reasons for that. It's incredibly hard to face the harsh consequences of ones actions and to take accountability for them. But I honestly feel that the only way for a person to truly change and learn from what they've done is if they take this difficult step and confront their problems. My biggest fear is to get past this hell just to have it happen again a few years down the road. 

After my wife's first affair (EA/phone sex) a year after our marriage and while pregnant, I thought we faced the problems and she had changed. She was disgusted and truly sorry for what she had done and made several promises to me; to be honest, faithful, to fight for our love (never throw me away again), to communicate, to never again betray me. And for the next 4 years, our relationship was the best it had ever been. We never fought, we were open and honest with one another, still very intimate, our relationship was the envy of everyone around us. But than it happened again out of nowhere (her new job bartending being the only new factor), but this time on a much greater scale. She had broken all of her promises to me and apparently learned nothing from the first affair, just how to better conceal it. 

So why am I still here with her, who seems to be a serial cheater and liar? 
I'm here because I love her, my children and her are my world. But can I continuously love a person that's so self destructive and so easily capable of hurting me and betraying me, NO. 

I'm here because I believe if something you care about is broken, you should try to fix it before throwing it away. By that, I don't only mean our marriage, but Lynn as well. She's had a hard life, has had 2 unloving parents, she's dealt with horrible things in her life I won't go into detail about. She's a broken person, but at her core I see a beautiful sweet kindhearted woman...who is very troubled and needs help. I believe that in order for her to be happy in life and to be capable of being in a marriage, she must first face her own demons...otherwise nothing will ever change. Whether we're together or not. 

I'm here because I still have faith in her. That maybe something amazing can arise from the ashes of this horrible event. I can't imagine any bigger wake up call than what she's done and is going through now, if this isn't enough to make her change and grow into a better person...than nothing will. What I truly want most from all of this, is not to save my marriage, but for her to love herself and realize her own self-worth, to be a strong moral person my children can be proud of.


I have faced my short comings as a husband and even before the affair I was doing everything in my power to fix things. I realize Lynn resented me for taking so long to finish my degree (9 credit hours away from graduating). But regardless, that's not a f**king excuse. I have been an honest loving faithful husband to her and a great father to my kids. Almost everyday I would kiss her, tell her how beautiful she was, how proud I was of her, show her affection, tell her how much I loved her. Not to mention I'm $60k in student loan debt from us living off my loans while I've been in school, it's not like I haven't contributed...but I agree, I haven't done nearly enough...especially the past year. She deserves to feel financial secure, as do my children. When we first started having problems before her affair, I had NO problem moving out of state to work...I was happy to provide for my family and take some of the burden off Lynn's shoulders. Sadly Lynn took this as her opportunity to have an affair. As of now, I have the chance to get a well paying job if everything goes right and I am still actively seeking work. 

I'm not sure where we stand now, I love her more than life it's self...I always will. But at this point I am willing to let go and move on with my life, this pain to much to bare. I feel like if our marriage is to be saved, it falls on Lynn to do the heavy lifting and prove her love to me. I will not be a consolation prize or the fall back option to the women I love. 

As for the anger, I have seen my Dr, he's prescribed me antidepressants and xanax. I agree finding a good IC would help me and LynnieePoo both, along with marriage counseling.

The end 

@beowulf
"Also, reconciliation takes two people and right now it seems as if he is content to let you do it all. He needs to become an active participant in the marriage."

I feel as though I've done more than my fair share in terms of reconciliation...there's only so much I can do. She hasn't fought for our marriage the way a person who's been given a second chance should (perhaps because she doesn't believe she deserves a second chance or me)
-I've given her a second chance (which to me is the greatest gift you can give a person), I feel she has done nothing with it and would rather rug sweep and pretend everything is back to normal. 
-I've let her back into our home, I gave her a great x-mas, birthday, I've taken her to Chicago for the weekend, I've taken her on countless dates
-I constantly show her love and affection...lets just say she walks with a limp daily
-I've sent her articles, books, sent her to this website. All in an attempt to help her understand why she did what she did and how she can fix it.


PS. Cheatinghubby get the f**k out of this thread please


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

So Sean, what exactly have you asked your W to do in terms of heavy lifting to put the marriage back on track and where do you think she has fallen short? What are you doing now to put the marriage back on track?


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Thanks for posting Sean. (I was kinda hoping my comment about you getting your head out of your a$$ might draw you).

If I understand correctly Lynn has been completely transparent. She has answered your questions as best she can. She has gone to IC. She certainly sounds remorseful. Exactly what is it that she has not done that you need for her to do? I ask because every spouse has different requirements so what I needed may not be what you need.

She says that you do not accept that she was in the fog as an explanation for why she could do those hurtful things. Is that correct? If you read some of the many threads here on TAM you already know that is the case. The real question is not what she did when she was in the affair. It was how did she let her boundaries down to fall into the affair. That can only be addressed in IC.

Speaking of IC why don't you feel you need it? I would think you would welcome a chance to unburden yourself and deal with the amount of pain I know you have.

Why do you feel Lynn needs a new counselor? What is going on the concerns you? I also think you should help in finding a MC that you will both be happy with.


Sean, I have a lot of respect for you staying in the marriage after your ordeal. But you must also know that you are also culpable in the marriage. You have not been faithful either. That said you both can build a good marriage together if you work on reconciliation together. Morrigan went through a period during R when she felt worthless. Its part of the process. It was difficult for her but she eventually rebounded. Lynn needs to get herself mentally and physically healthy for her to be any good to you and the children. She needs to start forgiving herself and you need to start the process of forgiveness as well.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I remember this story. Last I heard there was a warrant for your arrest from when she called the cops on you during the confrontation at the hotel.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lynnie21 (Apr 7, 2012)

I went to my IC appt today, and the biggest focus we agreed on is that i need to work on me first. if i cant love myself the way i should how can i ever give that kind of love to anyone else. Sean believes that i need to fix our marriage, that i am in control, and everything comes from what i need to do at this point. i clearly had an issue in the past with pulling the majority of the weight, and it is building up again, in different aspects now. I think that it is clear that the only way to "fix" anything is to first "fix" myself, if you will. Sean can't rely on what i do to make him happy, or i will always be responsible for his moods, Im still trying to figure out how to be happy with myself, in my own skin, how can i be responsible for his happiness too?


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## lynnie21 (Apr 7, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> I remember this story. Last I heard there was a warrant for your arrest from when she called the cops on you during the confrontation at the hotel.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Incorrect, he called the cops on me at the hotel. There was a warrant for his arrest from when i filed a police report about him pulling my hair and trying to throw me out in front of our 4 year old.

After i lost everything from my horrible choices sean threatened me with taking our kids away from me, the only thing i had left. He did pull me by my hair, i didn't lie, i was scared and felt i needed to protect myself at this point. I shouldn't have filed the police report, but i never thought that he would get charged with anything, i just wanted it on record that he asked me to leave so i did, so that i wouldn't get abandonment of my kids. take from the situation what you will.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

here is my two cents. 

In addition you need to start building in some fun time. Set times aside where you talk about the A and leave it alone and go have some fun together.

My drinking and anger got the best of me and I became the bad guy. My wife and I built a bench and a little bird house this past weekend. Might sound stupid but it was a big step after I kept blasting her for months and she threatened to D me as I had become abusive.

Write down your questions, concerns and complaints and bring them up during your A talks. When time is up, stop until the next time you agree to do this. After each session have some fun.

It is not easy my friends but you have to find a way for Sean to stop ambusing you and Lynn you need to keep answering questions without hesitation during these A talks. During this time you both speak but you take turns.

Seriously, you have to build in some fun.


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## Wolfgar (Nov 15, 2011)

lynnie21 said:


> Incorrect, he called the cops on me at the hotel. There was a warrant for his arrest from when i filed a police report about him pulling my hair and trying to throw me out in front of our 4 year old.


Incorrect. This happened the day after her hotel night. She was in the "fog" and being cruel. She was afraid she'd lose the kids so made a police report saying I threw her out the night I caught her lying and seeing the OM a few nights before the hotel (We argued after she lied to me, I did grab her by the hair...after that I asked her to leave, gave her a hug and told her I loved her and that I hope the other man makes her happy, than she left). She had a police escort her to our home to collect her things the day after the hotel sex. And now I still have assault and battery charges to deal with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Lynn and Sean,

Is rehashing these things helping? At some point you need to start moving forward or end the marriage. Neither one of you has the moral highground. You both have made terrible choices. You can start fresh but not by looking back.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

I think you two should work out your problems mostly face to face, I hope this thread wont be a battleground for you two.

On a side note, I truly hope ya'll can overcome the problems and be happy again.


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## kittykat09 (Mar 26, 2012)

Wolfgar said:


> *We argued after she lied to me, I did grab her by the hair...*after that I asked her to leave, gave her a hug and told her I loved her and that I hope the other man makes her happy, than she left). She had a police escort her to our home to collect her things the day after the hotel sex. And now I still have assault and battery charges to deal with.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Trying to reconcile that with the first post from "Warrant for my Arrest."

_"...And the day after that, she files a police report about the night I kicked her out. *Stating that I was verbally assaulting her, threatened her, and grabbed her by her hair (a lie)*. A policeman escorted her to our house to collect some her belongings. I talked to her while she was home, with the cop staring me down, I told her she's just making everything so much worse. She asked the cop to leave and we talked. "_

Was the lie that it occurred at a different time? (not sure on the exact timeline of events) Sorry if this was already discussed, but why are the two statements different?


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## Wolfgar (Nov 15, 2011)

It's not a battleground, I sent her here for help. I think she was confused about what lord was talking about? She made it sound like I threw her out by her hair, that was a lie...while we were arguing I grabbed her by the back of her hair. That's not the issue and its been dealt with.

And no moral high ground...really? 

I'll comment more later.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kittykat09 (Mar 26, 2012)

She did some awful things to you and your marriage, but if you grabbed her by the hair then that is assault. :/ Guess I don't see why you would create a thread about how she lied on a police report if you actually did grab her hair. I get that she may have exaggerated the incident, but... :/ 

Think I'll bow out on this one, don't think it will productive.

ETA: Have to say though that it really isn't sitting well with me that you had a 9 page thread about the incident and not once did you admit to touching her. I don't like feeling lied to, it certainly impacted my thoughts about your wife in an unfair manner.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Wolfgar said:


> It's not a battleground, I sent her here for help. I think she was confused about what lord was talking about? And no moral high ground...really?
> 
> I'll comment more later.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My point was that you admitted to cheating on her as well. You both need to sit down and talk these things out. You need to let a lot of the past go. That doesn't mean you rugsweep the affair but it has to be seen in context. Also, you need to address what exactly she is not doing that you need from her.

When Morrigan and I were attempting R after her affair I went through a period of time where I verbally and emotionally abused her. Obviously she was wrong to have the affair but I was wrong in how I handled the aftermath. In the early stages of R I was not participating. I was waiting for her to screw up so I could divorce her while maintaining I tried. I was full of sh!t. After that I knew I needed to actively try to reconcile if we wanted to stay married. So she worked on her issues. I worked on my issues. And we worked on our issues together. The affair was only brought up so that we could discover the areas where she and we were weak and strengthen them. Morrigan may have done the heavy lifting but I had to lift as well or we couldn't have built a new and improved marriage.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It all started with the night at the hotel. This is the wall. Climb it and meet each other in the middle/at the top. Understand why the both of you *had* these unhealthy behaviors and face them in MC.

Theres anger and dillusions. At the top of the heap is resentment on both sides. Easier said then done, but get ride of the resentment, and start a new relationship with the same person, with healthier behaviors.

Or take the chance and split and risk meeting a different person with the same unhealthy behaviors. 

You both fell in love for a reason!


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## Wolfgar (Nov 15, 2011)

Lynn asked that I let her have this forum and not get involved. I agree...this is more for her than me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Please stop and think how your behaviors impact not just yourselves but your children as well. As much as the past sucks big time, there is no profit from rehashing it unless something good comes from doing it.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

lynnie21 sounds so much like my wife.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> lynnie21 sounds so much like my wife.


Oomph.


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## Wolfgar (Nov 15, 2011)

The wall so to speak is the fact that she threw me and our family away to be with a married man. When the OMs wife found out, he immediately dumped my wife and went back to his family. Why couldn't she have done this, it would be so much easier to R? I remember her calling him a coward bc he choose his family over her. So the wall is feeling like Shes with me bc she can't have him. How is she supposed to change that.


And Mort, we don't really fight and argue around the kids. 90% of the time we are loving and very civil.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Wolfgar said:


> The wall so to speak is the fact that she threw me and our family away to be with a married man. When the OMs wife found out, he immediately dumped my wife and went back to his family. Why couldn't she have done this, it would be so much easier to R? I remember her calling him a coward bc he choose his family over her. So the wall is feeling like Shes with me bc she can't have him. How is she supposed to change that.
> 
> 
> And Mort, we don't really fight and argue around the kids. 90% of the time we are loving and very civil.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If she didn't want to be with you she wouldn't be trying at all. When did she say that Wolf? Was it right after the affair ended? It takes weeks, sometimes months before their heads start to clear up. What is she saying now? Ask Calvin about some of the things cantsitstill said immediately after the affair ended. Hell Morrigan said some things as well. Early in R she said she definitely did not love me and knew she married the wrong man. When they're all screwed up WS don't make any sense. Trying to apply logic to their thinking is like trying to teach a fish to ride a bicycle. Even if you could why the hell would you want to try.

Edit: BTW, this is a good example of why reconciliation is not progressing. You have so many doubts but you aren't going to IC or MC to address them.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ok, I'm just a guy, but her dillusion, fog or what ever made her make a bad choice. she would have been in the sh!ts months from now if it went the way she though it was going to go down. It didn't

There is a reason the the OM went, and stuck by his wife, and lyn there is areason why you stuck with your husband.

You know damb well that it will be a living hell and you still made the choice to go back. An option that IMHO favored your H. the other option is to just bail on all of it.

I mean did you or did you not have the choose to leave your H? With or with out the OM?

No body in there *right mind* would do what you did. Are you in your right mind now? Are you going to give up again? Are you going to stick with a man that may take months to forgive? Are you women enough to do all of this?

Are you that hopeless? Women up and fight and fix your wrong, hell both of you put your big kid pants on and fight! Someone is counting on both of you, and you know who!


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Wolfgar said:


> And Mort, we don't really fight and argue around the kids. 90% of the time we are loving and very civil.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Its the 10% that's the problem.

Whats all that she said about you taking it out on her face in a rage?



lynnie21 said:


> Now 2 months later, he did let his rage get the best of him with my face.




There is never an excuse for physical force. 

It doesn't sound like the charges are false at all.


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## lynnie21 (Apr 7, 2012)

This forum is beginning to take it toll, there is not one of you that can truly understand the total dynamics of our relationship. There are so many little factors that have added up and set us up for where were are standing right now. 

The main problem is myself. Sean sees this, that is why he has stuck by me throughout the despicable things i have done to him, which he has addressed he has also done his own share, which in turn don't even come close to comparing to the things have done to him.

We were young and immature when we began our journey, and threw ourselves full force into our "big boy" shoes if you will, so we have endured sooooo many twists and turns that have impacted our relationship over the years, some good and some bad. 

Right now i feel like mainly we are faced with what is the best route for me to fix my own problems first, may be without sean, he has always been there holding me up, i feel like i need to learn how to stand on my own two feet, face my problems and stare them in the face. something i have never done, i've been able to brush my problems aside and hide under the blanket of sean and my kids. If this path ends up helping our marriage, than wonderful, if not, then maybe we can at least move forward with our lives and find happiness. 

I do love sean, there is no doubt in my mind about that. But he does not deserve to suffer the pain i have caused him and my family.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

lynnie21 said:


> I do love sean, there is no doubt in my mind about that. But he does not deserve to suffer the pain i have caused him and my family.


Maybe sean deserves to decide on that himself.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

lynnie21 said:


> I do love sean, there is no doubt in my mind about that. But he does not deserve to suffer the pain i have caused him and my family.


So instead of divorcing him you're just draggin him along.


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## lynnie21 (Apr 7, 2012)

keko said:


> So instead of divorcing him you're just draggin him along.


That's a real jerk thing to say, no i am not dragging him along. If you want to look at it like that, why would i put myself through what i go through on a daily basis if i was "dragging him along", because it sure as he** is not fun for me either, relieving the biggest mistake of my life, and watching and feeling my family's pain. think before you open your mouth. please.

I am here for help, guidance, others perspectives, not smart a$$ comments.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

lynnie21 said:


> That's a real jerk thing to say, no i am not dragging him along. If you want to look at it like that, why would i put myself through what i go through on a daily basis if i was "dragging him along", because it sure as he** is not fun for me either, relieving the biggest mistake of my life, and watching and feeling my family's pain. think before you open your mouth. please.
> 
> I am here for help, guidance, others perspectives, not smart a$$ comments.


It was more of a question, I forgot to add question mark at the end.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

You guys are not really reconciling, you're in limbo. Either Sean lets up a little with all the interrogating and tries to put this behind him or you'll be in this position for the foreseeable future. 

Lynn, I truly believe that you're repentant and remorseful for your actions. Sean even admitted this on here and he concedes that his constant interrogating is not helping. He has to find a mechanism to control his triggers. If he doesn't, he'll maintain this love/hate relationship and you guys will go nowhere relationship-wise.


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## gpa (Feb 22, 2012)

Its absolute natural for Sean to have questions, doubts, triggers etc. It’s only a few months since the R. And we all know that this man went through a hell. Remember the night with the rain, when Sean was in the taxi with the kid at his arms agonizing and crying? Well she was with OM and actually did it. Under the circumstances I cannot understand how she even had the ability to enjoy the act.
And remember the reason she wanted to return to her H was that OM left her alone the very next day, after the act she enjoyed with OM. Under her writing and public confession here this was the only reason - nothing else. And she was also the one that even called police against her H and had them in their home, opening another bunch of problems for Sean. Thank God we don't have the same legislation in Europe (except UK). She is not able to understand how much her H loves her, wants to have him demonstrate that nothing happened and she is not tolerating his agonies, questions and thoughts. Sorry Lynnie for this, until now i was happy with your outcome but i think that y r trying to find en exit from your M, this time for H's "good". Its a mistake Lynnie. Time will tell.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> And no moral high ground...really?


At this point, it is more of "Who is less worse of the two" TBH. And to say Sean is much less worse than Lynnie doesn't say much about him either.(Deal's off if he abused you physically. ) . Sounds like a broken and toxic relationship. 

I also don't think lynnie21 is in love with Sean. Not even close. Both of them have some sort of f*cked up codependent ecosystem running between them.


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## Speed (Dec 9, 2011)

> he couldn't get in the hotel so he called the cops on me. the cops knocked at the hotel door, pulled me aside and told me my husband and kids are outside and he wants me to come out and talk, i refused and told them to tell him to take our kids home and put them to bed because it was a school night. That night my affair partner and i had sex.


I've honestly retyped this multiple times. The actions, the cruelty and the blatant disregard for each other throughout your entire relationship completely boggles my mind. 


I am left with one question... what, out of this entire mess, is worth fighting for?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Wolfgar said:


> The wall so to speak is the fact that she threw me and our family away to be with a married man. When the OMs wife found out, he immediately dumped my wife and went back to his family. Why couldn't she have done this, it would be so much easier to R? I remember her calling him a coward bc he choose his family over her. So the wall is feeling like Shes with me bc she can't have him. How is she supposed to change that.



well this is the crux of it , isn't it?


Lynn-

Sean was made to feel like second choice/back up plan/plan B/etc and rightfully so

And unlike playground antics, there is no "takebacksies"

He needs to know why he was 2nd choice then (please note that your reasons aren't excuses for your behavior) and why he isn't now and you have to swallow that big old horsepill of pride and demonstrate to him in every which way that he is the priority of your life, your love, your soulmate, etc etc



I know that I needed it during my R, I know I needed answers, I also know that I wanted those answers over and over again.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

lynnie21,

I'm a WS also. My wife actually met the OW when I was at her place (awkward and one of the worst moments of my life). The OW never knew I was married so it was all on me.

At that point was I ready to leave my wife, YES. She was 2nd choice at that point and I won't lie. It took another 2-3 weeks before my wife finally threw me out of the house and it was only then that I was able to think clearly enough and see what I was doing with my life.

There was alot of heavy lifting on my part.

If my wife wanted to know something I told her, never once did I say just let it go, it's over already and let's move on (ok, not gonna lie, it did come out 2 or 3 times during heated arguments).

If she was mad I ate my pride and took the anger she directed towards me. But there is a fine line between helping them through their anger and abuse though and that's gonna have to be on you to decide what your tolerance is.

It's easy to sit in self pity and think what have I done and shut down. But if you truly love your husband you'll make that extra effort to show him that you do love him. 

In the short run (umm, short run could be years btw, took my wife 2-3 years to finally stop being paranoid that I might be cheating again) you're gonna have to swallow your pride. I know it's hard but that's the price you have to pay for what we did to our spouses.

If you're still thinking about me, me, me only and maybe a little bit about your husband's feelings then it's over and you cannot or do not want to put the extra effort into fixing the marriage.

Right now, you're gonna have to put 200% into the marriage if he's given you a 2nd chance. If you think putting 90% or even 100% is more than enough, you're in for a rude awakening when he walks out one day.

And yes, this will always come up through the years. When you both get into a heated argument, something always slips out once in a while (mostly from the WS). BTW if you're the one that might let something slip in an argument, here's a piece of advice, just keep your mouth shut, close your eyes and count to 10 before opening your mouth.

When something to the effect comes out like

Well, she isn't like you and riding my @ss all the time.

That = pissed off wife for a very long time.

I think she didn't say a word to me for like 2 months after that bone headed remark from me. And that was about a year or so after d-day.

As to being pissed at the OM, how being pissed at yourself instead and looking inwards to find out why and make sure it doesn't happen again.

I screwed up, I cheated on my wife, I treated her like crap for months, I was the worst husband for a very long time, etc..

Now, I'm doing my best to be the best husband there is, I'm gonna make that extra effort and extend the white flag to her at times even though I'm right, I'm gonna be the one to stand in front of her in a hail or bullets, I'm gonna be the one to tell her to STFU if she's pissing me off...

Oh wait, forget about that last one, wasn't supposed to be one of the things I still do sometimes


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## lynnie21 (Apr 7, 2012)

If anyone can remember, i know it is a long shot. But sean wasn't honest with me about his past A when he told everyone he came clean, please look to my new thread. Please help me, im feeling lost right now. He went back and edited these threads from 5 months ago, 2 days ago. When he found out that i was going back through them to read how he felt back then he went back through them.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/43985-need-info-sean-lynn-drama.html#post679181 [URL="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/43985-need-info-sean-lynn-drama.html#post679181"

]http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/43985-need-info-sean-lynn-drama.html#post679181[/URL]


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

lynnie21 said:


> That's a real jerk thing to say, no i am not dragging him along. If you want to look at it like that, why would i put myself through what i go through on a daily basis if i was "dragging him along", because it sure as he** is not fun for me either, relieving the biggest mistake of my life, and watching and feeling my family's pain. think before you open your mouth. please.
> 
> I am here for help, guidance, others perspectives, not smart a$$ comments.



Because OM thrown you under the bus and you want the safety of your marriage and your selfishness, fear of being alone without anyone there to support you. Else why you want to be with a person you hated, thrashed, abused and treated like a cuckold?

You are really lucky, sean took you back even after your horrible betrayal!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When you got back the security blanket of your marriage you dont want him to ask any questions. want him to get over it and act like nothing happened REALLY? wah, you are yet not aware of the intensity of the pain you caused, you are only saying blah blah blah, I dont think that you are truly remorseful or truly in love with him. what a great understanding and caring companion he got!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you really want to be with him, wht you are doing now is not enough. better go through the treads of working together or cantsitstill or pidge, you can see what they did to earn back the trust and stability in their marriage back.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

> In turn she kicked her husband out that afternoon as well. So my affair partner and i met up talked about all that had happened had drinks, decided we were going to stay the night together at a hotel, and then went out to dinner. I didnt realize my husband still had GPS on my phone still, and after the fact i found out he had followed us to the restaurant and watched us, and followed us back to the hotel tried to confront us before we went into the hotel but got caught in traffic. he couldn't get in the hotel so he called the cops on me. the cops knocked at the hotel door, pulled me aside and told me *my husband and kids are outside and he wants me to come out and talk, i refused and told them to tell him to take our kids home and put them to bed because it was a school night. That night my affair partner and i had sex.*


wow! that is the most despicable thing i have EVER heard. _you're scanless!_ 

what kind of a mother does this?

that there tells me loads about what kind of woman you are. your kids were outside waiting for you, and still you did what you did..... you're damaged goods lady. no way i'd ever take you back. 

_your kids were outside waiting for mommy_, and you abandoned your duties as a mother right there and then-- OMFG!!!


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