# Cheating Wife or Paranoia



## Ah83 (Jun 1, 2015)

I have suspected my wife of having an affair for years now, and it's all fueled by the fact I have not met anyone from her work in Sunderland (I live in Newcastle) for 3 years.

I am in an impossible situation as when I question her about things, which I have a lot she gets angry which is understandable if I am 100% paranoid.

Problem is recently she has started telling everyone I am paranoid, and then they all lay into me. Strange this is I've never been paranoid about anything else before so why this?

I feel like her work life is a completely kept away from me and is hidden.

What do you think? I have many suspicious things I can name over the years but no concrete proof as of yet, and I guess the more I accuse or wonder the tighter it would get if she was cheating.

Any advice?

Thanks


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Maybe provide a list of red flags that you've observed -- aside from having no interaction w/ her co-workers -- that give you the impression that she might be cheating.

How long have you been together?

How long have you been married?

How long has she been in her current job?

Do the two of you have any children?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Well it is her projecting at the very least.
You need to gather more info imo.
Buy a few sony or olympus voice activated recorders put one in her car and one or two in the house.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Ah83 said:


> I have suspected my wife of having an affair for years now, and it's all fueled by the fact I have not met anyone from her work (apart for 2 minutes on our wedding day) for 8 years.
> 
> I am in an impossible situation as when I question her about things, which I have a lot she gets angry which is understandable if I am 100% paranoid.
> 
> ...


My W did not meet any of my coworkers but for maybe a minute or two in a 11 year work span. It has not raised any suspicion from my W. Work is work. I leave it there when I go home. Home is home and I leave it there when I'm at work. 

So yes, your W going to family members explaining your are getting a bit out of hand over some unfounded suspicions does not seem odd at all.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I agree that we need more information. Just the lack of your interaction with her co-workers, in the absence of other signs, doesn't raise much in the way of red flags.


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## Ah83 (Jun 1, 2015)

Thanks guys, really appreciate you taking the time to talk to me about this..


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

OK, one more question...

WHY DID YOU MARRY HER?!?


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## Ah83 (Jun 1, 2015)

Because I love her, and there is a possibility it could be my paranoia?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I dunno, man... I'm seeing enough red flags there for a PRC pep rally.


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## Ah83 (Jun 1, 2015)

What's a PRC pep rally? Can you expand for me a bit please, and also point out what your seeing as flags? Oh sorry it's a joke. What red flags do you see, and can anyone help me out with ways to catch her if she is cheating? I can't have children if I am living a lie, I need to know either way.


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## Ah83 (Jun 1, 2015)

Another thing to note is when I actually accuse her, she never ever says "I'm not cheating" she always says "I'm not a bad person", which I find a bit odd. She also smirked once when I asked her outright about it and we had a blazing row, found that weird given we were screaming at each other and I was telling her "I just knew".


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

PRC = People's Republic of China

Additionally, the Chinese flag is red, hence my joke.

As for the red flags, pretty much everything that you've listed above reads like a red flag to me.

Honestly, I wouldn't even bother checking up on her. I don't see how she could possibly NOT be cheating. File for divorce, fix whatever's broken in you that's allowed you to tolerate her behavior for as long as you have (I can't believe you actually married her), and then find someone that won't disrespect you so brazenly.

Also, stop having sex w/ her. And, since you'll likely ignore that, if she happens to wind up pregnant, demand a paternity test.


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## Ah83 (Jun 1, 2015)

I need evidence because I have my own business and it's quite successful, I'm worried about losing half of that, so surely if I can prove infidelity it will stand me in good stead from a divorce standpoint right?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Ah83 said:


> I need evidence because I have my own business and it's quite successful, I'm worried about losing half of that, so surely if I can prove infidelity it will stand me in good stead from a divorce standpoint right?


No idea. All depends on where you live. Start talking w/ divorce lawyers.


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## tenac (Jun 3, 2015)

You'll never get the truth from her, if there's any to be told.

You need to go undercover.


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## Ah83 (Jun 1, 2015)

What can I do then to go undercover? I don't have loads of money for private investigators and it's likely it's happening at her work place or the hotel next door to it, need to find out either way.


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## Ah83 (Jun 1, 2015)

Lie detector too much?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Ah83 said:


> What can I do then to go undercover? I don't have loads of money for private investigators and it's likely it's happening at her work place or the hotel next door to it, need to find out either way.


Here you go...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html

And please take note of this (from the thread)...



weightlifter said:


> So. Here are your instructions. Do this now. I dont mean next week. I mean make something up within the next day and GET IT DONE! Not looking will only prolong your agony.
> Rule 1 for this.
> SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding.
> Rule 2 for this.
> ...


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

You can buy a voice activated recorder (aka VAR) & put a velcro strip on it & stick it underneath her seat in the car. You can buy a mobile spy app & install it on her phone & monitor her that way. If she uses a computer at home, you can install a key logger to see what she is up to. You don't have to spend a lot of money to see what she is up to.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Ah83 said:


> Lie detector too much?


Ehhh...



GusPolinski said:


> Due to their somewhat unreliable nature, I wouldn't even _mention_ a polygraph w/o first having a very solid monitoring system (keyloggers on all non-work issued computers, complete access to phones, tablets, e-mail and social media accounts, VARs, etc) in place.





GusPolinski said:


> If she uses Google at all (who doesn't?), the best place to start would be for OP to get his hands on her Google search history.
> 
> She uses an Android, so she likely has a Google Play account, which means that all of her Google search history from her phone is cached to her Google account. So, on another device, open a browser, and hit up the following site...
> 
> ...


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Sorry to read about your situation.

Like it was mentioned, something is going on. If its not a full on physical affair, its at least something that is disrespectful to you and the marriage.

Like Gus posted....do not say anything more about your thoughts on this matter. In fact, you should try to act as if there is nothing that is worrying you...hard to do but it will be useful.

If you haven't yet, read No More Mr. Nice Guy and check out MMSL too. Take the information to heart and use what you need.

You mentioned that your wife does wash her own underwear...but there must be someplace she is hiding/storing them at home.

Worst case, you might need to check the laundry while its running and see what she wears at work that you have never seen.

Maybe you can "surprise" her by having her car detailed....you take it out at a good opportunity and pour over it. Open up all access doors, check under the spare, look in all the storage areas, under the seats, etc. You need to actually have it detailed too. 

Good luck.


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## Ah83 (Jun 1, 2015)

Checking the washing whilst it's running is a really good idea, I never thought of that. With regards to her car I can use it to pop to the shop so that's no problem. I'm just feeling really low now as it seems everyone thinks something is going on, so probably made the biggest mistake of my life marrying this woman. I have a holiday booked in 10 days (all out big expenses paid for her 30th birthday) how can I possibly go and pretend it's all ok?


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Ah83 said:


> Because I love her, and there is a possibility it could be my own health problem?


What health problem? Is it a behavioral/mental health problem?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Too soon to say. You might be on to something, then again it may be a response to you being worried about it. 

So do what Gus said. Go dark. Stop talking about it and acting suspicious. 

Use the time to observe and gather evidence. 

If she's up to no good, she may relax and let something slip.

If she's not, you'll stop looking paranoid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Hello Ah83 and really sorry to have you here. Your last thread suggested that your wife didn't respect you and we gave you lots of advice on "active listening". Had you mentioned all of this our advice would certainly have been different.

OK as the others have said there certainly are a large number of red flags here and you need to tackle this methodically and carefully.

Earlier when asked why you married her, your answer was because you loved her. I think for me the right question is why did she marry you ? It sounds like she has never really been into you and has been quite resentful of you.

You, by your own admission, are quite successful, have built up a business but have never really known any happiness with her. She on the other hand seems to be living a totally separate life at work where she seems to enjoy herself and occasionally slips up, and gives you a glimpse of what she is up to but never allows you to be part of that. So forget about everything else and go into serious surveillance mode.

Follow Weightlifter's and Gus' advice to the "T". You have to uncover her talking with her "boss" or other workmates when she is least suspecting that you are listening. A VAR in the car and one in the house where she is likely to speak freely when you are not there is a starter and make sure you get the right model and have it on the right settings etc.

Keylogger on the computer if there is one that is used by her from home. You also need to break into her email, phones etc. Not sure how yet but advice will come.

Even get hold of "used" panties for semen testing (drugstore kit can help) - avoid having sex with her when doing this so that if it turns up positive, there can be no doubt. As I said, time to get really serious to put this to bed once and for all.

And start preparing yourself for the worst - contact a lawyer and find out what your exposure will be. If you discover something do not expose immediately and don't let on (I know this will be tough). Come here and get your next advice - I promise you it will be beneficial for you to do this.

You need to get cracking on this as it seems to be driving you nuts at the moment. Get the VARs first and read the thread on how to set them up.

Best of luck and strength to you.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

ah83. are you in UK? 
for goodness sakes stop asking her if she's having an affair! the VAR is likely the least difficult thing to do right now.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

After your post explaining the other improper behavior you are seeing, I'd say it's 99+% sure that she is cheating on you. 

Stop indicating that you are suspicious! Pretend everything is okay, to the best of your ability. Meanwhile, get a VAR on her and prove it or she will keep lying to you.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

It has to be pointed out, some of her secretiveness may be due to your constant accusations. If she thinks everything she doe sets you off, she may hide even small things.

You certainly handled this totally wrong. Read the investigation thread and start acting like SherlocknHolmes instead of Benny Hill.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

There are also pen cars that can be put in her purse. They cost about seventy dollars here. A var in her car can at minimum tell you how she talks to friends about you.

Does she go out drinking with her girl friends?

Do you still take her out on dates?

My biggest concern would be if its your baby she was wanting to have.


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

kristin2349 said:


> What health problem? Is it a behavioral/mental health problem?


Good fng question. I'm guessing some mental issues at some time? Maybe that explains some of the paranoia cause I don't see too much but you know your marriage better than me.


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> It has to be pointed out, some of her secretiveness may be due to your constant accusations. If she thinks everything she doe sets you off, she may hide even small things.
> 
> You certainly handled this totally wrong. Read the investigation thread and start acting like SherlocknHolmes instead of Benny Hill.


That Benny Hill reference is hilarious:smile2: I guess it dates us a bit.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

SongoftheSouth said:


> That Benny Hill reference is hilarious:smile2: I guess it dates us a bit.


This might be a case for Jeremy Kyle.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Decorum said:


> This might be a case for Jeremy Kyle.


 :iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
You should check divorce laws in your jurisdiction. Many places have no fault divorce, where it doesn't matter at all whether or not she cheated. If you are in one of those places, there is no point wasting more time. Either
1) she is cheating so you should divorce her
or
2) she is innocent but you have seen so much evidence that you can't trust her - so you should divorce her.





Ah83 said:


> I need evidence because I have my own business and it's quite successful, I'm worried about losing half of that, so surely if I can prove infidelity it will stand me in good stead from a divorce standpoint right?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I would look into these sites (below) & do all you can to uncover what is going on.. from all you have shared...these are signs of cheating.. anytime a relationship gets strained like this.. when a couple is no longer confiding in each other, laughing, respecting, affectionate.. it's an open door for temptation.. and sounds she has plenty of opportunity... so you've only been married 9 months.. seems odd.. why now... because she wants Kids.. and you were willing ? 

Is her boss, these other men ...are they married? Do you have proof she is going on all these trips she says she is? 

Signs of Infidelity - Learn these key signs of cheating and save your marriage

Are You Paranoid Or Is Your Partner Really Cheating? | Bust A Cheating Partner


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Ah83 said:


> I need evidence because I have my own business and it's quite successful, I'm worried about losing half of that, so surely if I can prove infidelity it will stand me in good stead from a divorce standpoint right?


Have you consulted with a divorce attorney? I ask because from what you provided, it would seem that only being married less than a year and her being employed for years, that there wouldn't be such a huge financial hit on your part, if you chose to divorce her.


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## Ah83 (Jun 1, 2015)

I had problems with paranoia about 13 years ago, after I was drugged at a friends house. I recovered and moved on with my life and it's only within the last 4 years (10 years late) I have been paranoid about her. I can do all of that but when she is pushing to move house and have a baby I feel stuck?

We had another row last night and when I asked her if she had fallen in love with someone else she started screaming she couldn't take it anymore and then cried for ages. It could be me I know, and my family tell me it's me but it's hard.

@Simply - I was willing yes but then I had a niggle at the back of my mind as well, although the day was the happiest of my life. The men she works with are pretty much all married apart from 1 or 2 that have girlfriends. I have proof she is going yes, I think the London trips are legitimate. Starting to wonder if it's me now, bit of a mess really. The thing is, I think "it's me being daft" and then something else triggers a thought 4 months later etc etc etc
@Mortiru - Not yet no, is that the case even if I had built the business whilst with her for 9 years unmarried?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Forgive me for saying this but from what you've written on both your threads, it seems that the two of you are very dysfunctional people who are in serious need of individual counseling. The last thing you need is bringing a baby into this mess. You appear to have issues of co-dependency and your wife some type of personality disorder.

You may want to read *My list of hell! * thread from MaybeItsMe? as well as *Uptown's reply*.


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## Ah83 (Jun 1, 2015)

I'm currently seeing a councillor but she refuses to on her own. She has huge anger issues, and refuses to take any responsibility for them, where as with me I hold my hands up I know I have problems and I am trying to fix them. Unfortunately when it comes to her anger she just seems to think it's ok to forget about it, however when it's at it's worst things go flying at the wall, she drives the car down the road in a complete rage screaming like a maniac in front of her brother, and starts swearing at me when I won't do the gardening.

It is getting better, but it's still there. The last 3 months we really made a huge effort, things were going good, but then one day she just blew up over the fact I wouldn't do what she wanted in the garden. She started screaming at me, telling me to f*** off repeatedly, and that's one of the reasons I wrote a post about my wife disrespecting me. She can't move on with her life when I am paranoid (I get that), however she doesn't understand I can't move on with mine when I see my wife becoming a person I really don't like. The real her is slowly fading away, she's an absolute angel underneath but she's wrapped in this hard stern exterior, constant defensive body language (she always crosses her arms), and rarely smiles, she's very uninviting which is what I told her was holding her back in life because she's almost unapproachable. She says she just crosses her arms and it's not an issue but it is trust me, when she does it in front of people constantly they get the wrong idea.

The rage is a huge issue for me, but she cannot accept it no matter what. She thinks the answer is for us to move house, and have kids, but it's not. I think she needs to speak to a councillor but she refuses to alone, what can I do? I almost feel like she is unwilling to try because even though she has agreed to see a councillor with me (we haven't been yet) she still says things like "what do you expect me to say that hasn't already been said", and she makes out like she is doing it for me rather than facing the problems we have both as individuals and husband and wife.


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## Ah83 (Jun 1, 2015)

morituri said:


> Forgive me for saying this but from what you've written on both your threads, it seems that the two of you are very dysfunctional people who are in serious need of individual counseling. The last thing you need is bringing a baby into this mess. You appear to have issues of co-dependency and your wife some type of personality disorder.
> 
> You may want to read *My list of hell! * thread from MaybeItsMe? as well as *Uptown's reply*.


This is quite shocking. The list of hell post describes 85% of my wife and unfortunately probably 15% of me, it's a bit scary to see someone writing this, it feels like it's about my life it's THAT close to how things are between us.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Keep reading that thread. Uptown's ex-wife had BPD and was cheating on him. You may want to send him a private message.


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## Ah83 (Jun 1, 2015)

Thank you morituri, where is the part that says she was cheating? 

Deep down I am a really nice guy, and if you put my problems aside I do everything in my power for this woman, anything romantic, anything thoughtful, anything to help her out, but over the years I can feel this void building. With regards to the BPD I am not sure if she has that as I would say 80% of that list is her, and then you have me who tells her she isn't making me happy and so forth, but I guess that's because I feel this disconnect? I feel we have made great progress each weekend and then in the week she changes personality, that closeness is completely lost — so now you can see why I am incredibly paranoid?

I am thinking about doing the 180 method for my own sanity, I need to think about my health. I'm also going to put off the moving house and kids as well as my gut is screaming "NO" and I am dreading both of them, so I need to listen to that and stop worrying about making her happy. In moments of weakness I am telling her "Yes, let's move and start a new life together" but given we have moved 3 times and nothing has improved surely that's enough of a sign?

Why do I stay? Well I cling on to the 1% of her I fell in love with, and I hope one day it will return, however the last 4 years have just consisted of me living with this stern, unapproachable, defensive, anger riddle outburst of a woman I do not know. No matter HOW HARD I try to get close to her I feel like I am failing, because the disrespect, anger, swearing continues.

I am just about to go to the gym to start the 180, I need to focus on myself now, and you know what I honestly feel like this so called "Detachment" is what has been getting me down, making me depressed and paranoid over the years, and the reason why we've had the same arguments over me saying things like... I just feel like you're somewhere else, etc etc.

For my own sanity I am going to look after myself today, and like MaybeItsMe, I will update this post regularly as well as I think it's important for me to have a journal so to speak, because when everything is so stressful sometimes it all just becomes a mush you can't think or feel through without constantly second guessing and questioning yourself on everything. It's a mess.

Thank you so much for all of your replies, you are truly great people helping me and I really appreciate it.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Ah83 said:


> Thank you morituri, where is the part that says she was cheating?


Correction, it was not Uptown but Berilo whose wife had an affair (Uptown provided insightful comments). You can read Berilo's thread titled *Distressed*.


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## Ah83 (Jun 1, 2015)

After going to the gym to destress, decided to go round to my parents to talk given my marriage is in crisis and everyone's making out I'm some paranoid freak, which may be true.

Told them I didn't want them to attack me and I wanted to talk about things that were not to do with the paranoia the first thing my mother could say was how I didn't say anything nice about her in my wedding speech (this is 10 months after the speech and first time I have heard this) I said yes I did I said "I cherish the memories of sitting in your car as a 5 year old happily listening to 70s music" she told me that wasn't nice and I didn't say anything nice about her so I just got upset and stormed, literally on the edge right now parked up on my own on the brink of tears. Seeing my councillor today at 5 but I just feel broken. The moment I try to pick myself up and improve myself I get beaten down by my mother of all people, no doubt she will be "upset" for days and my dad will come over playing the guilt trip on me in a couple of days.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Get a var to keep On yourself to record some of your spouses angry moments. Then let your parents and counselor hear them.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Ah83 said:


> We had another row last night and when I asked her if she had fallen in love with someone else she started screaming she couldn't take it anymore and then cried for ages. It could be me I know, and my family tell me it's me but it's hard.


Please stop doing this, its pointless and making your situation much much worse. Did you think should would actually tell you if she did? If you find out she is cheating dollars to donuts she'll say something like "You kept accusing me so I might as well anyway"

You need to learn to keep your mouth shut about this to everyone and put on an act. You make it so easy for her to hide things by consonantly confronting her and acting paranoid with no evidence. 

You are your own worse enemy, you need to keep your cards close to your chest and NOT say ANYTHING to ANYONE until you have an undeniable smoking gun.


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## Ah83 (Jun 1, 2015)

Ok, thanks for the advice. I guess this is what I will do next. As she runs to the bathroom every single day (without fail) after work is it worth me getting something installed in there as well? I hate doing this because it makes me feel like some kind of psycho, but then I guess if after 3/4 months nothing is suspicious it will hopefully rest my mind?

Spoke to her this afternoon because it's all been getting to me, and she basically made out the whole problem is my paranoia and nothing else. Confronted her on the whole anger issue and instead of actually admitting to it and talking about any kind of way to get past this, she just said "It's always the same thing, you're never happy", and then she brought my mother into it saying "We think this" and "We think that", just think it's a load of bol****s to be honest. 

I think I need to just start working on myself, but this whole house move and first child thing on hold or delay it on purpose, and then whilst I am doing that try and remain calm (I find it impossible) whilst keeping my eyes open and my mouth shut. Problem is she always knows when something is up with me, she's got it down to a fine tee and she will not stop bugging me until I give, so how do I put on this act when I may be raging inside from finding something, and having to pretend and act this way each day?


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

stop talking to her about it. You need to find out if she is cheating, but you won't find out by talking to her. If she is, she will lie, if she isn't, she isn't. Find weightlifters standard evidence post AND SHUT UP about infidelity when talking to your W.

If you have enough evidence or collect enough to convince yourself she is a cheat, then go to D. Don't ever tell her how you know, just that you do. Then it is tell, don't ask.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

Ignore her when she bugs you


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## Ah83 (Jun 1, 2015)

Thanks, I am adopting that new approach now. Need to focus on myself otherwise I will end up becoming a vegetable from all of the stress. Will update you over the coming months as to how things are going. I put my foot down and told her we need couples counselling and that I am not moving or having kids until at least next year, and most importantly once we're fixed. She doesn't like it, but it's like it or lump it. I'm not playing around with kids lives here, this is pretty serious.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Ah83 said:


> 6) She wouldn't perform certain things in the bedroom, and then one night she did and I asked her why. She flipped out about it.


Practicing on you so she performs well for her OM.



Ah83 said:


> 9) Her find my iphone has been off on a few occurrences when I have wondered where she is


Having sex with the OM.



Ah83 said:


> 10) She washes the underwear separately now, and she never used to do that.


Because she doesn't want you to see the semen stains.



Ah83 said:


> 15) I asked her a personal question one day. I asked her if I was doing everything to satisfy her as a husband in terms of her needs, instead of reassuring me or discussing this, her first response was "what made you ask that"?


She's afraid you might be onto her.



Ah83 said:


> 16) Have noticed thumb sized bruises on her body, and she refuses to have the cover off sometimes.


Affair sex is lustful and rough more often than not. OM was banging your wife and marking your wife as an ego boost and to mock you. 



Ah83 said:


> 18) She's secretive about being naked in front of me and getting changed which after being together for 10 years is a bit worrying.


See above. She keeps the marks as a trophy as well and a reminder of her OM taking her body at will.



Ah83 said:


> 17) Goes up to the bathroom every single night without fail after work.


Obviously, to wash the sweat and semen from her body.



Ah83 said:


> Do the two of you have any children?
> Not yet but she's pushing for them.


DO NOT KNOCK HER UP... At best, she was having an affair. At worst, she still is. It's 99.99% one or the other. The latter will be far harder to prove.



Ah83 said:


> Another thing to note is when I actually accuse her, she never ever says "I'm not cheating" she always says *"I'm not a bad person"*, which I find a bit odd.


This is the WORST remark of the bunch. If this is ALL you said, I'd be fairly convinced she was. This is as close to an admission as you will ever get out of her voluntarily. I know from first hand experience. This is cheater speak for, "Yup, I'm cheating". She feels some guilt about being a cheater but is far too caught up in it to stop. I'm afraid you've been played for a fool for YEARS now. Bail now before she gets pregnant and tries to pin the baby on you. Cheaters virtually never use protection.

Plant VARs, GPS trackers and cameras everywhere you can. If this stuff is still going on, shouldn't take very long to confirm what you know inside already...

.


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## Ah83 (Jun 1, 2015)

Her phone went off late last night after 11 when we were both in bed. I could tell because it lit up, and then she kept tossing and turning and couldn't get to sleep. This morning she was really off, her body language was "crossed arms" in the house with a cold harsh look on her face, I could tell something was wrong. I asked her what was wrong and she said nothing. I took her to the station to get the train for her business trip and all of the way there she was completely silent. Usually I would kick start conversation, but this time I decided not too. I didn't feel the need to do this given she was the one who had a serious problem with something.

I feel a lot better now because I am starting to notice the signals, and I am following the mouth shut eyes open advice. I am also getting a grip of myself physically and mentally. This has tortured me for 3 years, and now it's about time I did something about it other than to realise why I feel all of these huge mixed emotions, to me it's clear it's because of this, it's intuition, it's subconscious tells, and it's my gut screaming at me. If I am wrong, then in the end I will hold my hands up and get professional help. In the meantime I am adopting the sherlock approach, and going to the gym to release these pent up emotions I have to experience living like this.

It's clear something is definitely not right below the surface and this playing on my paranoia is just a cover up. I am going to start all of the things you have said and I am also keeping a daily journal as well, I am trying to be unbiased so if I have a suspicion, it's simply that and not a cold hard fact. The very very hardest part in all of this is keeping your cool, and keeping your emotions intact, but if I slip up and give the game away, or I crumble then I know I will never find out the truth. Either way, whether I need medical help, or whether she is cheating I need to know, and unfortunately even of complete sound mind I unfortunately think it's the latter.


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## Ah83 (Jun 1, 2015)

-


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Good job Ah83!

OK here are a few things that you need to forget about:



Blaming everything on your paranoia - I don't know if you are indeed paranoid but what you are experiencing here is what many of us have experienced in the past - its called a gut feel and it rarely is wrong. You are very normal to experience this if she is acting the way she is.


Being worried about snooping and thinking it is sneaky. You have every right and in fact are expected to snoop when it comes to potential or actual infidelity. There should be no secrets and right now, there seems to be a ton of them. Pride yourself on your techniques and ability to keep a straight face (having learned from the best here). In this case, knowledge really is power and the more you know (although it will hurt fiercely), the more liberated you will feel and be.


Expecting your wife to tell you the truth (if she is in fact cheating). Why would she. Forget about the loving wife you may have thought you had. She is someone you do not know yet have trusted your heart and finances with. Expect her to act like any lying and deceitful stranger would. The minute you accept this, two things will happen - unfortunately the first will be you feeling akin to someone close to you dying and the second is an improved ability to find out what you need to know, to have the resolve to see things through and to not confront or let on too early.


Now don't dilly dally with the gathering of evidence. Get those VARs in place (2, 3 or as many as you need - but hide them well - do not get caught).

Time is not on your side so don't waste it. Get your ducks in a row with an attorney. When she is busted she will look back and admire how you handled all of this - with authority, precision and speed (not that it would matter to you).

Get your divorce papers ready so that you file if and when necessary. 

Really read up on the 180 and also start working on yourself physically (exercise, gym, new look, haircut etc). Start finding other things to do and avoid engaging her without letting her know what you are up to. If she asks you what's up tell her that you will talk to her once she calms down and until then, you will not tolerate disrespect - do not mention cheating etc.

Good luck Ah83!


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## Ah83 (Jun 1, 2015)

Can anyone recommend cameras and VARs? I don't want something that makes a noise or beeps or can be found. Some advice on this would be great.


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## knightRider (Dec 31, 2014)

Ah83,

I can highly recommend a pen VAR that you can plant in her handbag. Works wonders for tracking her at work. MemoQ Digital Voice Recorder.

Also try and GPS track her. Should be stuff available for her phone...


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## Ah83 (Jun 1, 2015)

Thanks knightRider, although I don't see how it is actually possible without her finding it? I mean from what I have seen these devices are 11cm long and are obviously recording equipment


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## knightRider (Dec 31, 2014)

Ah83 said:


> Thanks knightRider, although I don't see how it is actually possible without her finding it? I mean from what I have seen these devices are 11cm long and are obviously recording equipment


Trust me it works well as I have used it many times :smile2:

If your wife's handbag is full of stuff, just place the pen at the bottom of the bag. If they see it, they'll assume it's a pen they put there at some point. Or try and find somewhere in the bag you could conceal it. 

The worst that can happen is they'll see a pen.

You really need some recordings of what she is saying to her male colleagues for your peace of mind. Surveillance is essential in your circumstance. 

Good luck, brother and try not to show your true feelings, stay calm in front of her!


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## Ah83 (Jun 1, 2015)

Did you get to a point where everything is starting to unravel in your head? For example the guy I think she is seeing smokes, and one day she came home and she smelt of smoke (which she never does) which easily means she could of been spending time with him outside the office whilst he was smoking and it faintly gets onto her clothes. This stuff is just UNFOLDING inside my brain, more and more thinks are making sense. Yes, it's a theory with no proof whatsoever but it would explain why she smelt that day. Especially since she hadn't visited any pub, bar, or hotel after work.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Looks up Weightlifter's standard evidence post...should be all around the CWI section.

Don't forget to STFU about almost everything.

It will be very hard mentally, but in the end you will be better off for it.


Good luck.


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## Ah83 (Jun 1, 2015)

Yeah I am doing don't worry, she works in Newcastle and I live in Sunderland, so it's quite hard to just nip into work. I have done a few times in the past couple of years but not since, she doesn't want me anywhere near the place.

I am keeping stum, and making tons and tons of notes.


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## Ah83 (Jun 1, 2015)

Just spoke to BetrayedDad (who has been amazing help) and given that guy "Who's been there done that unfortunately" accounted for everything I said to him (10 red flags) which were identical in his marriage, I am 99.9% sure I am not insane now after all thank God. It's so relieving to hear from others, I am going to out this evil cowbag if it's the last thing I do, trust me and when I do I will take immense pride in unveiling what a lieing cheating piece of dirt she really is. Sorry, had to let it out there!


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Ah83 said:


> Just spoke to BetrayedDad (who has been amazing help) and given that guy "Who's been there done that unfortunately" accounted for everything I said to him (10 red flags) which were identical in his marriage, I am 99.9% sure I am not insane now after all thank God. It's so relieving to hear from others, I am going to out this evil cowbag if it's the last thing I do, trust me and when I do I will take immense pride in unveiling what a lieing cheating piece of dirt she really is. Sorry, had to let it out there!


Do what you gotta do. As a woman, I will admit that your wife's behavior is definitely suspect.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Remember to keep a low profile, pretend you no longer think she is fooling around and after a while she will let her guard down and make mistakes. 

Also make an exit plan if you don't have one already. Many BS's end up becoming paralyzed by the fear of the unknown (not knowing what to do if the relationship ends). When you know you will just fine, if not 100 times better without her then it becomes so much easier to do the right thing.

The person that cares to least about the relationship, controls it.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

OK its great that you now know (kind of) what she is up to and hopefully, that this has nothing to do with you (and that you are not paranoid)!

Now as others have said, consult Weightlifter's thread here on VARs etc (I believe he recommends a SONY model) - I was kind of hoping he would weigh in here but probably hasn't noticed yet. (If someone has the link to his thread please provide OP with it else I will dig it up).

The VAR he recommends can be velcro'd to the underside of a car seat or bedside table etc and can be set to run for a long time on optimal settings (also you do things like put a clipped off earphone jack into the socket to stop it from playing anything out loud).

Start gathering evidence asap and then kick her to the curb! (By the way some of my best friends are from Tyneside and also Teeside (I don't really care about the black stripes and the red stripes :smile2 - take care of yourself, mate.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

> With regards to the BPD I am not sure if she has that as I would say 80% of that list is her. [Post 42.]


Ah, I agree with *Morituri* that some of the behaviors you describe in your threads -- e.g., the temper tantrums, verbal abuse, and lack of empathy -- may be warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your W has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she might exhibit moderate to strong traits of it or another PD.

I caution that BPD is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your W exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do. 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as very controlling behavior, always being "The Victim," and rapid event-triggered mood flips.

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your W's issues. Only a professional can do that. The main reason for learning these red flags, then -- like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack -- is to help you decide whether there is sufficient reason to spend money seeking a professional opinion.

If you are interested in reading more about typical BPDer behavior, you will find my list of red flags at _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_. If most of them sound very familiar, I would be glad to join Morituri in discussing them with you. Take care, Ah.


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## Ah83 (Jun 1, 2015)

Thanks guys. I am gathering evidence on a daily basis now and am becoming acutely aware of everything so I can spot something that may be out of place.


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## Ah83 (Jun 1, 2015)

I could do with getting something into her handbag really, that would give me a good idea. Does anyone know of a pen that acts like a VAR or something similar she wouldn't think twice about if it appears in her bag? If I put a pen in there in the inside pocket, then I am sure she would be like "Oh that's weird, didn't think I had a pen" and not think anything of it, where as if it's a USB for example then she might be like "Weird, how did that get there, let me take a look at this".

I think planting something in her handbag might give me a lot of clues, any ideas?


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

Ah83 said:


> Yeah I am doing don't worry, she works in Newcastle and I live in Sunderland, so it's quite hard to just nip into work. I have done a few times in the past couple of years but not since, she doesn't want me anywhere near the place.
> 
> I am keeping stum, and making tons and tons of notes.


You can do the old flower trick send her flowers at work with no name and see if she says anything


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## Ah83 (Jun 1, 2015)

Problem with that is I think the person she is having an affair with is 100% someone she works with, so once she chats to him and he says no, it becomes obvious. Anyone know of a good vehicle tracker?


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## Ah83 (Jun 1, 2015)

QUESTION:

We last slept together last Saturday & Sunday. She drove to another office yesterday which is quite a long drive (2 hours) in the hot weather. I noticed the underwear she wore from yesterday has a white streak inside down the middle. Is this normal for a woman or does this indicate some kind of sexual activity?

I have bought the checkmate test, however it says it will only work 7 days+ after sex, so given it's only been 4 - 5 is it right to expect those kind of marks? I know it's a bit revolting but I have to be an investigator here if I am going to unveil the truth.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

You are doing fine and yes it is necessary to look at everything including panties etc. The checkmate should work even after 4 days but I guess you could wait a few more days now that you have the said panties.

Yes there are pen recorders and they range in price and quality - the main problem with her purse is discovery - would she not notice or has she generally got a large and messy purse ? Here are some links:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-eeyxygv8k

4GB MP3 Digital Voice Recorder Pen Black - Tmart

Executive Voice Recorder Pen | Voice Recorders | Audio Recording

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Resolution-...rage-black/dp/B00CRY2TDI/ref=pd_bxgy_23_img_y

COOLEAD-2 in 1 Black Portable Ball-point Pen and Stereo: Amazon.co.uk: Electronics


etc


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## Ah83 (Jun 1, 2015)

Uncovered another lie today, which is making me feel good, knowing I am not insane. Not going to reveal it on here incase she happens to come past this thread by any chance, but basically...

I have asked her something, and she's blatantly lied. This b***h must think I am stupid lol! 

The bag is large and quite messy, she would definitely know if something new was in there, that's a given. Unfortunately this is consuming a lot of my effort and I am not getting much done at work, but I just keep finding things and it's only a matter of time now I'm sure.

The underwear thing is something I am wondering about. Apparently woman 'leak' a little after sex for 7 days. I guess I will just wait and hold off sex, then next week when she comes back with a huge semen stain in her pants and the rest is right, it's Hello Jon, goodbye paranoia. Then I will really go to town and make it my lifes work to uncover this b*tch, her evil ways, lawyer up, take her to the absolutely f****ing cleaners, and kick her a$$ out!

Sorry guys. I am a really laid back guy, but the cheek of this lieing toerag!!!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Ah83 said:


> I guess I will just wait and hold off sex


Yes indeed and if I may suggest, stop having sex with her permanently. Look, if she becomes pregnant, and you discover that she has been unfaithful, you're going to have to DNA test the child right after it is born. If its some other man's child, then you'll be off the hook, but if the child is yours, then she'll become a permanent fixture in your life because of the child. Is that what you want?


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## Ah83 (Jun 1, 2015)

Yeah I get that and yeah I will stop


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Bugged said:


> Seriously? OF COURSE it's normal


Or she finished having sex with OM at work, put her panties back on while she was still wet and it left a crusty white streak because she sat in them. 

Look as we all agree. One piece of evidence in and of itself is not enough to consider cheating but this guy is walking around with a laundry list of red flags. 

An investigation is definitely warranted at the very least. Inside of a week he'll know one way or the other.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

For an example of a pen var, google brickhouse security or amazon . They cost aboute 70 dollars i think. A good sony var costs about sixty dollars. Put one of these in her car the way its explained in the evidence gathering thread. 90% of the tome thats all it takes and usually doesnt take more than two or three days.

Calm down and control yourself. Make like 007 not an amatuer.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Here is the post from Weightlifter: Good luck.

VARs and Evidence Gathering

The usual disclaimer of reverse the sexes if necessary, we get mostly betrayed husbands here. Do your legal research etc.

Your wife is acting funny. Her phone and email suddenly have passwords you don't know. She shuts down phone apps or changes windows on the computer whenever you enter the room. She is suddenly staying out until 2 to 5 in the morning. She has new single friends. She has lost weight and is dressing hotter to boot. Her ex contacted her 3 weeks ago and she wants “to meet to catch up at some public place” “I love you but not in love with you.” or version thereof. Any of this sound familiar? If your wife comes home from an alone time does she immediately change liners, change panties possibly even immediately laundering them?, shower? This can be an after the fact clean up. 

If you are reading this your gut is going crazy. “Relax”, in that there is a high liklihood that you are not crazy at least. “Your gut” is your basic instinct from the caveman period. There is something up with your mate. It is part of your mind built into you and in your DNA. You probably cant sleep. You are losing weight like crazy and are not hungry. Well if you are reading this and that is 90% of you reading this if its your first time... You are embarking on what is probably going to be the worst time of your life.

Chin up, yes I know it is damn near impossible to believe now, but I and the people at TAM here have taken dozens of men through this process. Some reconcile, most dont in the long run so be aware. Most of us hang around this grim grim place for a sense of “pay it forward” and “getting at the truth” Even in divorce, the long run the majority find love again... yes really. Often selecting a far far better future companion. Read poster BFF for a thread of disaster, divorce, recovery, and a new wonderful woman in his life. Younger and hotter, yes, but also one with better boundaries, often a far far better personality match. Oh and they get to go through that first time with her after the first I love you's have been exchanged. Just know, that for the majority, even if the marriage crashes, in six months, a year, maybe two you will wonder how you got so far so fast and how great your new life is. You will also be MUCH MUCH stronger as a person.

So. Here are your instructions. Do this now. I dont mean next week. I mean make something up within the next day and GET IT DONE! Not looking will only prolong your agony.
Rule 1 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding.
Rule 2 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding.
Rule 3 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding.

NO MORE CONFRONTS!! Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! Soft confronts with little evidence RARELY WORK AND ONLY MAKE GETTING AT THE TRUTH HARDER!!! THIS PROLONGS YOUR AGONY!

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 or ICDPX333 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY a cheap VAR. SONY SONY SONY. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. My icon here IS a Sony ICDPX312. No I do not have stock in nor work for Sony.

Setup instructions are on page 19. Also good stuff on page 31.
Use 44K bit rate for balancing file size vs quality DO NOT USE 8K!!!!! Simply put. The higher the quality the better the sound and 8K sucks. ALSO. The higher the quality the more you can manipulate the mp3 in Audacity.
Set VOR "on" see page 38
See page 40 for adding memory if necessary
Play with it yourself to get familiar. TEST IT OUT
Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus. You can even play prevent defense by going to a dollar store, buying uber-cheapie earbuds, cut off the buds but put in the jack which will actually disable the speaker for additional protection.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.
This is one item: Velcro Heavy-Duty Hook and Loop Fastener VEK90117: Office : Walmart.com
also
Purchase VELCRO Hook and Loop Fasteners, Sticky-Back, for less at Walmart.com. Save money. Live better.
The velcro is usually in the fabric section or less often in the aisle with the fasteners like screws. The velcro pack is mostly blue with a yellow top. Clear pack shows the vecro color which is black or white.

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off. attach one side HD velcro from Walmart to back. USE BIG PIECE
attach other side HD velcro again UP INSIDE car seat. ATTACH THE CRAP out of it. It needs to stay put going over big potholes or railroad tracks.

Put the second VAR in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around. If you are a typical man, use your size advantage to put it someplace she cant reach, even on a chair. Beware spring cleaning season if she does it.

I recommend exporting the sound files to your comp. The recorder is very cumbersome for playback.

Amazon has a pen VAR that can be placed in a purse or other small place to get remote conversations. Yes the pen works.

IMPORTANT warning. If you hear another man and perhaps a little kissing or activity... STOP Listening and have a trusted friend listen and tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for four men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality. 

Lets be very clear about what the VAR is for and is not for. It will not be court admissible evidence. It is not for the confrontation. IT IS TO GET YOU AHEAD OF THE AFFAIR so you can gain other real evidence by knowing the who and when. NEVER MENTION YOUR VAR EVIDENCE. As far as the cheater is concerned, they were seen by a PI or something NOT your VAR!! 

The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful. There is even a locator webpage you can track with. Amazon sells a semen detection kit called checkmate.

Look for a burner phone. This is a second phone from a prepay service just used for cheating communications. That is often why wives let the husband "see their phone" They don't use their main phone for cheating purposes.

There is an app out there called teensafe. Its for both Iphone and Android. It monitors texts, GPS and facebook. Needs no jailbreak. Not perfect and delayed but no jailbreak required.

Look for apps on her phone like words with friends. It has a non traceable texting feature.
Here is a list 25 Apps to Help You Cheat On Your Girlfriend | Complex

If he uses chrome or firefox, there is probably a list of saved passwords you can look at. Even if his email isn't saved there, people usually only use a couple of different passwords, so one from the list might work. 

For firefox it's Tools -> Options -> Security -> Saved Passwords

For Chrome it's the little box with three bars in the top right -> Settings - Show advanced settings -> Managed saved passwords

If paternity is in doubt, (gredit graywolf2) SNP Microarray: Unlike amniocentesis, a non-invasive prenatal paternity test does not require a needle inserted into the mother’s womb. The SNP microarray procedure uses new technology that involves preserving and analyzing the baby’s DNA found naturally in the mother’s bloodstream. The test is accurate, 99.9%, using a tiny quantity of DNA — as little as found in a single cell.

Credit john1068
Is her internet browsers set up to use Google as the default search engine? And does she use a gmail account ? If so, she can delete here browser history all she wants, that only deletes the history that is localbin the browser itself...

On ANY computer, navigate to https://google.com/history. Log in using her gmail credentials and you'll have all history right there. Cant be deleted unless your wife logs in this same way...she'd only be deleting Chrome, IE, or Firefox history, not the Google history when deleting within the browser itself.

There does not appear to be a function within the Android OS that allows the recall of deleted info as is found on IOS. However, even on Android, When a text is deleted, the OS simply "loses" the address to where it is on the memory chip, but it's still there. 

Go to your computer and navigate to Dr. Fone for Android @ Dr.Fone for Android - Android Phone & Tablet Data Recovery SoftwareAndroid Phone Data Recovery.

You can download a trial version if you're operating system is XP/Vista/Win 7/Win 8 all on either 32 or 64 bit.

Download the program to your computer, open it, connect the Android phone to the computer via the micro USB cable and follow the instructions on the Dr. Fone program. You can recover deleted SMS, MMS, photos (yes, this includes SnapChats), vids, and documents.

Not everything is recoverable because the operating system continues to overwrite the data so if you don't recover this data on a regular basis, you may miss some pieces...

But there are also many Android apps that store deleted files and texts, even some that allow you to download and HID the app (ex. ).

They are also in her Spotlight Search...don't even need to connect to a computer. All deleted texts are still held onto. Type in the contact TELEPHONE number and every text, even the deleted ones, will show up in the search.

NOTE ON APPLE. ANY changes lead to notification emails these days so tread VERY lightly on Apple phones.

IOS 7 from any home screen put your finger in the middle of the screen and swipe downward. Enter the telephone number and start reading the hits.

IOS 6 from the first home screen, swipe left, enter the telephone number and start reading the hits.

Credit rodphoto 01162014
After researching the web for countless hours about software to find deleted messages on my wife's iphone I figured out this super easy method.

From the home screen swipe left to right until the spotlight page appears. Its a screen with the key board at bottom and a box at the top that says "search iphone" type your typical search words, anything sexual etc... All past messeges containing the search word will appear on a list, deleted or not. You'll only get the first line but that is usually enough. Just busted my wife again doing this a few days ago!

Rugs: swipe left on your first page of the main menu.

"spotlight search" under settings -> general -> spotlight search has to show "messages" as ticked.

Right here, right now: Taking screenshots on iOS devices -> hold down home button and press sleep button. The screenshot will be placed under your photo album.

Also there is an app to "stitch" messages like a panoramic photo, but only for iPad. go to app store and search "stitch". Damn it's 4 am. i need to go to bed.

Note that this applies only to Spotlight Search in IOS 6 and lower. For IOS 7 running on Iphone 4 and 5, put your finger in the middle of any of the home screens and swipe downward. 

Type in the search string you want (telephone number, contact name, keyword, etc) and it will search every instance in the iPhone where that appears. 

You may FIRST want to go into the Settings>General>Spotlight Search and then check or uncheck the areas that you want to search - make certain that "messages" and "mail" are CHECKED or else your search will not look into these areas. The same info is on the spot light on the ipad too ! If the settings isnt checked off, you can find all the same history!

Credit tacoma 03072014

This Google search history page weightlifter mentioned here doesn't just record the search term it records everything spoken into Google Now by voice command. There is a text read out for everything spoken into the phone through Google Now and since Androids later versions have integrated Google Now right into the OS just about everything spoken into an Android phone is saved at https://google.com/history

Commands to call me, entire voice texts, everything said into the phone is right here. I don't even know how it could be deleted if you wanted to. Considering almost everyone has an Android phone and voice command is becoming more popular this is a nice tool for a BS. It even has every Google Maps/Navigator GPS search saved.

Credit to the above and dozens who, before them contributed the hardest way possible.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Any updates OP?


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## Ah83 (Jun 1, 2015)

Just over 3 months has passed and it's been one of the worst times of my life. The stress of this made me so ill that I started to have huge anxiety problems, panic attacks, and just generally have been an absolute wreck. I didn't go through with checking up on her, instead I foolishly thought I could fix things by doing my best as per usual.

I have done everything I possibly can, I almost made the mistake of buying another house with her (which hasn't been exchanged yet) however our house has sold so that gives me a get out clause. I am in absolute bits here, but I cannot have a child and start a new life with someone who I don't feel loves me, she doesn't even care about my feelings at all.

This evening I am going to tell her (even though I had said it time and time before) that I want a divorce for good and then I will need to start taking care of things and most importantly taking care of myself, I have been ill for a couple of years now and I am surprised the stress hasn't finished me off. I don't even know who this woman is anymore, I don't know if she's had an emotional affair, all I know is that I am deeply unhappy, I am more than 1000% willing to try and work on us as a couple, and she couldn't give a damn.

It's sad it's had to come to this after 10 years, but you know what I deserve to be happy, I need to get my self respect back and look after myself. I am quite worried about myself as earlier on I was so upset I really felt suicidal (don't worry I would never do anything) but the pain was so intense I just couldn't cope. How do I cope with going through this, I am hoping getting this woman out of my life will be like taking the big dagger that's swinging over my head away from me.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Stay strong mate. You are doing the right thing for your well being. You cannot go on like this as it will eventually kill you.


You already know that she lies to you and disrespects you by not letting you anywhere near her work or friends. You also have a very very strong suspicion that she has been fvcking somebody else.


You are now in the fortunate position of having no mortgage and no kids so why continue with her ? There are plenty of other women out there who would love to have a faithful and loving partner like you.


Take care and stay vigilant. When you tell her about the divorce it will wake her up to the fact that you are not kidding. Be very careful about how she responds or tries to draw you back in. You need to let her know in no uncertain terms that she has to come clean and prove to you that she is telling the truth and even then you will think about it.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Ah83,

here is the good news, you can now walk away knowing in your heart you did the best you could, that you gave everything you had to make it work but in the end one person can not carry a marriage of two people, raise your head high, and walk away with the same way...high and straight forward and the best part the cross you have been caring has been lifted from your shoulders, you may not see that now but you will. good luck.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Get into some IC for your suicidal thoughts, and get some good buddies to surround yourself with. 

Let those around you know you're going through a tough time so they can support you. 

And post your crap here. I find that quite cathartic when I'm going through it. 

Even as I get my ass kicked sometimes. 

Bear down and push through man. You know you're making the right call. Your future self will thank you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ah83 (Jun 1, 2015)

manfromlamancha - Thanks for taking the time to write back, it's really difficult because I can't speak to anyone about this and when I have got my family involved before they just can't handle the stress, so this time I know I need to do all of this on my own, however your support I can't thank you enough for.

We've sold the house for plans of a new life, but that scares me. The thought of having a baby with this woman terrifies me, that's not normal is it? I want to be the old happy person I used to be, not this shell of a man who has been beaten down. I'll hold my hands up, we're both to blame I have verbally attacked her due to my frustration, but we're simply not getting anywhere and after 3 years of trying to get through this, a shiny new house and bring a baby into this mess isn't going to solve anything.

The easy way out, which I have stuck too for years is to just get on with things, pretend it's all ok, but now it's making me ill, I cannot do that any longer, I refuse to live like that. 

xenote - This is exactly it, I couldn't succeed in doing this all on my own, and I have never given up on anything in my life, hence why I have stayed for years fighting to make this work, however this is an impossible task. I'm frightened of what's next, but that's surely going to be a lot easier then having to deal with this stress and these emotions constantly.


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