# did anyone here reach an agreement outside of court? looking for advice



## HeartbreakHotelGuest (Jul 18, 2012)

If anyone here made your own terms for divorce and custody then filed with the courts. I would love to hear from you if you are good with your agreement? have any suggestions? have anything you would have done diferently? and how long after filing did you get your hearing and were you finalized?

Thanks in advance for your help we have an 8:45p.m. conference to hammer this out


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I did that with my exH but we didn't have children together.He did mediation with his first wife.According to him it was stressful because the attorney's kept dragging things out so they'd make more money off the case and his first wife was a sheep and listened to whatever people told her to do.
When we divorced I didn't have an attorney.I wrote up what I wanted and he agreed to it (keep in mind I didn't want hardly anything from him because I was heartbroken and just wanted to get away from the situation).He gave the paper to his attorney,they drew up separation agreement which we both signed and got notarized then once the separation period was over his attorney sent us the complaint for absolute divorce which he signed and I went online to print out "answer to complaint" paperwork,signed it and mailed it to his attorney.About a month later we received notice of our divorce hearing,went before a judge with two witnesses,signed and were done.


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

We did ours outside of court. We came up with a 50/50 split of everything and 50/50 custody of the kids. The only thing I regret is I let him take the good furniture because I just wanted to be done with it. We split real estate as we had two houses at the time. He got the raw end of the deal on that one because he can't get it sold, and I got my house sold. I provide support to him, as I used to make more money, but that needs to be renegotiated as he has a new job where he makes as much as I do. I guess we renegotiate all the time, like with kid visits, etc. It's fluid for us, but we still can be civil to each other. I'm glad we didn't hire lawyers, etc. Saved a ton of money and came out with a fair agreement. 

If you can stand to talk to the ex, going outside of court is a good idea. But you have to be able to think objectively, which can be hard at the beginning when everything is raw and sore. I could have taken him to the cleaners as he had an affair, but in the interest of providing some form of stability for the kids I figured it wasn't worth it to drag it out in court.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

HeartbreakHotelGuest said:


> If anyone here made your own terms for divorce and custody then filed with the courts. I would love to hear from you if you are good with your agreement? have any suggestions? have anything you would have done diferently? and how long after filing did you get your hearing and were you finalized?
> 
> Thanks in advance for your help we have an 8:45p.m. conference to hammer this out


My wife and I are just beginning this same process... I've hired a consulting attorney to make certain the paperwork is in order and to make certain everything is filed properly and on time. He's charging us a relatively inexpensive flat fee that includes court costs and filing fees. He's also given us some good advice for coming to a fair agreement.

So far, we've agreed in a general sense on most of the issues, but we need to hash out the details. Unfortunately, my wife, who set the ball rolling last spring by moving out and asking for a divorce, is kind of dragging her feet on things. I'm having a tough time getting her to sit down and work on the nitty-gritty.



Pb.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

My Ex and I were also able to agree on the terms of our divorce without the help of an attorney.

A big part of the reason we were able to do this was that I had been tracking our expenses very closely due to concerns about the economy and the industry I work in.

You'll likely have "regrets" whether you use an attorney or not. Splitting everything in half is just a lousy process.

You definitely need to have an attorney involved to make sure everything is written properly and in order.

From a more personal / emotional standpoint, don't get too hung up on material things, especially the smaller things. I lost a lot of "stuff" - but I gained a lot of "space." Feels kind of nice to have the elbow room.


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

One thing I noticed about the "stuff" that I did keep, for the most part I couldn't wait to get rid of it. I didn't want anything that reminded me of the ex.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

We have been living separately for over 2 years. Our stuff was split up a long time ago. We don't have any mutual assets or debts. 

But I need him to pay some form of child support and that's the problem. He's mentally unstable, an alcoholic and downright mean. I can't afford an attorney and would just like to file and come to an agreement but I'm doubting that he will be willing to do so and keep it civil. 

I wish he'd just gone and had an affair instead of being a mean, ornery drunk.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Got divorced in March. I did all of the paperwork. He agreed and signed. I filed and paid the $135 filing fee. The divorce was done the next morning.

We split everything 50/50. The kids are grown.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

We did not engage any Lawyers and have not gone to court. Ex and I just made our own agreement and we stick to it.

We based it on the formula the courts would use here anyway (Australia) which is generally very fair.

Assets (multiple houses) we split 60/40 to me as he is a on a very good income and I am a SAHM.
Kids 50/50 shared care.
Child support he pays above what the Child Support Agency suggested.
I got all the furniture and household effects, he took his personal items.

We pay 50/50 for all child costs such as Private schooling, sports, medical etc.

We agreed not to take on extra child costs unless it was agreed by both parties eg extra sports, music lessons, travel etc.

I did not want anyone one else telling us what to do so avoiding courts and Lawyers was the way to go. I have friends that have spent upwards of $50k just for basic legal representation, what a waste of money if you can avoid it.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

If I had 50k to spend on a lawyer I wouldn't NEED a lawyer. I'd just tell my H to shove it and walk away.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Freak On a Leash said:


> We have been living separately for over 2 years. Our stuff was split up a long time ago. We don't have any mutual assets or debts.
> 
> But I need him to pay some form of child support and that's the problem. He's mentally unstable, an alcoholic and downright mean. I can't afford an attorney and would just like to file and come to an agreement but I'm doubting that he will be willing to do so and keep it civil.
> 
> I wish he'd just gone and had an affair instead of being a mean, ornery drunk.


I don't know about NJ but in my state if you are married and open an account, it doesn't matter whose name is on it - both parties are liable. You might want to research the laws. Or if you already have and know that to be true - yay.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I don't know about NJ but in my state if you are married and open an account, it doesn't matter whose name is on it - both parties are liable. You might want to research the laws. Or if you already have and know that to be true - yay.


Yep, it's similar here... If you acquired the asset -- property, possession, credit or debt -- while you were married, it doesn't matter whose name is or isn't on it, it's still considered marital property or debt, and a judge can split it up however he likes and assign it to whoever he likes.

Now, not having joint accounts or co-signed loans can make the divvying up a little more clear cut, though the judge doesn't have to pay attention to who bought what.

Of course, if you are aiming for an reasonably amicable out-of-court agreement, it'll be you and your STBXH deciding who gets what, and not a judge.



Pb.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

He took out loans and credit cards in his mame only without my knowledge or consent after we separated. He's living off the cards (or so he says) and hasn't worked in 2 years.He's an alcoholic who has spent a good amount of his money on his boat, his vacations, his booze and cigarettes and now he says he's paying his bills with the credit cards. 

I looked it up and if they are "marital" debts that benefit the marriage or are things like medical bills then it's split but the way he did I think I'm good. If someone uses credit or loans to engage an escort service, go gamblingt or buy expensive toys it's NOT considered marital debt. 

But I will be consulting a lawyer and will def be bringing this up. 

No way in hell am I paying for his 2 year drunkfest.  I can't imagine that any judge would look at the situation and expect me to share in HIS debt. It doesn't seem fair that if two people completely separate and one goes off his rocker and runs up a mountain of debt while the other is working to support the kids that the debt should be split 50/50.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

Freak On a Leash said:


> But I will be consulting a lawyer and will def be bringing this up.


That's probably your best bet... Get some professional advice from someone who knows those laws inside and out.



Freak On a Leash said:


> No way in hell am I paying for his 2 year drunkfest.  I can't imagine that any judge would look at the situation and expect me to share in HIS debt. It doesn't seem fair that if two people completely separate and one goes off his rocker and runs up a mountain of debt while the other is working to support the kids that the debt should be split 50/50.


It might not seem fair, but it's very often the way the law works. Sucks, doesn't it?

In the meantime, protect yourself...


Get a copy of your credit reports from freecreditreport.com, and check them carefully.
Call the credit bureaus up and generate a fraud alert for any accounts your STBXH opened in your name. (It *IS* fraud and is illegal.)
Call up the credit companies where he opened accounts in your name and likewise complain of fraud. If they give you a hard time, ask them to send you a copy of the credit agreement (which shouldn't have your signature on it).
Make sure you cancel any joint accounts you might have with him, remove him as authorized user from any of your credit cards, and remove yourself as authorized user from any of his credit cards.



Pb.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

We have no joint accounts. No joint credit cards. I own my own car and he has his. The cars are paid off. So are the work trucks. I didn't even have a credit card until this past February. I hadn't had one since 2000. I closed all the bank accounts that had his name on it after we separated. It's all his and his alone. 

But I will check my credit record. That's a good idea.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I think that in many areas, the time of separation is taken into account. Might have to be a 'legal' separation where there is a written and signed agreement in place. Might just have to prove that you were living separately.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

In NJ there's technically no such thing as a "legal separation." There is this thing called "Divorce from Bed and Board" where you make a list of what's yours and what is the other person and what your obligations are and sign and notarize it. 

I wish I'd done such a thing but the way things happened two years ago was so confusing and crazy and I was dealing with the same crazy drunk that I am now. I was just trying to get my life back together and the last thing I was thinking of was writing a separation agreement. In hindsight I wish I did. 

But I signed a lease for a new apt and we both moved out and he moved into his father's house. All our bank accounts were closed down and our insurance policies becamse separate as well. There's tons of records showing that we were no longer living as a couple. All his credit cards and loans were taken out after we separated. 

I will be talking to the lawyer about this but from what I'm reading it's up to the judge. Based on what I've read I have a good case. There have been cases of a spouse stopping work and living off credit (sounds familiar!) and the other spouse didn't have to pay for that. Things such as gambling, hiring hookers, massages, etc. were not considered "marital debt" either so it wasn't split either. 

You can imagine the abuses that people do to each other with regards to credit.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Just did this. After stbxw said she was done with me and wanted D. 

At first I got a consultation from a lawyer who's first question was how much equity I had in the house (how much could I pay). I told the lawyer all I wanted was to be able to move out of state with my daughter for family support - none where I live now. I was willing to give up house, everything... whatever it took.

Lawyer told me that would be next to impossible unless I got stbxw to agree. I knew that if I just filed and served her without discussing it that she would be angry and non-cooperative. 

So I told stbxw I had seen a lawyer, I asked for DD, and to my shock and surprise she agreed. For the last year she's seen DD for 1/2 hr a day during the week and I've done all 3 meals, schooling and work from home. 

I filled out the paperwork and reviewed it with her. I got a signed custody agreement. I took it to the lawyer and paid $150 for document review. Then I filed. 

Assets and house to be split 50/50, her debts to her, mine to mine. She still has yet to get her acceptance of service notarized in order to start the 60 day waiting period, but supposedly is out doing that now. If she doesn't I will have her served. If she changes her mind about custody I will go to court and demand she pay my lawyer fees for going back on the signed and filed agreement. 

Play nice. No matter how hard or how much it hurts. 

But as I learned in Boy Scouts - Be Prepared!


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Probably helps that your wife is sober and a rational, thinking person. My H is not. Actually I've been playing nice. Unfortunately he has demons in his head whispering bad things to him. He has said that all this is "your fault." Still trying to figure that one out. :scratchhead:

But I'm trying to maintain my cool and not go ape sh*t on him and I've been doing a good job. Just not calling him and getting into it with him is a big step forward for me. I refuse to climb down into the pit with him like I did 2 years ago. 

Yesterday I consulted with a lawyer and was told that debts acquired by the marriage are indeed "equitably divided" However he did say it isn't necessarily divided 50/50. It's up to the judge but he did say that coming up with an agreement with your spouse is the best and least expensive way to go about things. I told him about some of what I've gone through and he said "Could be a nasty divorce". 

He basically told me that lawyers are expensive ($1500+ retainer, $250-400/hour) and it cost at least $5000. I don't have that kind of money I don't want to owe anyone that amount. We don't have any real assets. This is about support and debts. I can think of about a million things I would rather spend $5k on. I could buy my daughter's car from my H for that.

I know my H has racked up credit cards and has loans but he told me his credit is still good so we aren't at the point where he is defaulting on anything. No one is coming after me for anything so the time is now to get out and distance myself as much as possible from my H. Wish I'd done it 2 years ago but as the lawyer said "You can't go backwards". He seemed impressed by how resolute I was. 

He toldl me to go ahead and file. So I did. I haven't heard from my H in over 2 days and I'm hoping that's a good thing. The real test if whether or not I get a cancellation notice from my health insurance company at the end of the month. That will tell me a lot. 

Taking it one step at a time but what I'm hoping is that we can draw up an agreement and we can agree that his debts are his and mine are mine. I won't bother him about his boat or anything else he's bought for himself. He loves that boat more than his kids so there's some leverage. I'd like to keep it nice and simple and just move on but I don't know how he's going to react when the sheriff gives him the papers. 

I'm hoping he'll calm himself down and we can draw up an agreement and just keep our own debts. He's going to pay something in support. I might not get what I want but he's not going to walk away and pretend he doesn't have kids either.

My kid's attitudes are good. My daughter said "I'd rather have you divorced from him than keep my car." My son is right there with her. I have great kids.  

His loss. He might get to keep his damned cash but that's all he has. I think that's sad.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Probably helps that your wife is sober and a rational, thinking person.


Almost. She actually has a mood disorder or three and has been very emotionally abusive and rarely sober lately. But she is cognizant of this. She sees the damage she's caused and wants to "save" us by pushing us away. Even claims her affair was an an unconscious way to end the marriage so she didn't have to say anything. (I see her instead using her issues as a scapegoat so she doesn't have to feel as much guilt and shame for her betrayal).



Freak On a Leash said:


> Yesterday I consulted with a lawyer and was told that debts acquired by the marriage are indeed "equitably divided" However he did say it isn't necessarily divided 50/50. It's up to the judge but he did say that coming up with an agreement with your spouse is the best and least expensive way to go about things.


Here its the same. Debt incurred during the marriage is both party's responsibility but usually divided 50/50 if no agreement. 

HOWEVER! Creditors are not bound by the divorce decree and can still go after either party if one defaults later. This is why it is imperative to list all debts in the papers and don't leave anything out. By doing this, you give yourself the right to sue the ex if they flake and the creditor comes after you. If a debt is left out, defaulted, and the creditor comes after you... you are toast.



Freak On a Leash said:


> His loss. He might get to keep his damned cash but that's all he has. I think that's sad.


Agreed. Similar boat, as discussed in the Final Straw thread.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

zillard said:


> HOWEVER! Creditors are not bound by the divorce decree and can still go after either party if one defaults later. This is why it is imperative to list all debts in the papers and don't leave anything out. By doing this, you give yourself the right to sue the ex if they flake and the creditor comes after you. If a debt is left out, defaulted, and the creditor comes after you... you are toast.


That's nuts! This man went out AFTER we separated and dissolved all our joint accounts. We didn't have ANY credit cards together before we separated. Then he got himself a slew of credit cards and loans and if he defaults on HIS credit cards and loans, they can come after me? They were in his name only. I had absolutely nothing to do with them, didn't know he took them out and I have no idea how much he has run up or what they are. I'm completely clueless. 

Plus he hasn't worked in over 2 years while I've been working my butt off and paying all my bills on time. I pay off MY credit cards in full every month. 

I'd rather shoot myself in the head then pay his defaulted credit bills. I'm already forking out hundreds of dollars now to clean up his mess and spent thousands 2 years ago, when he pulled out money out of our bank account and bounced a dozen checks to the utilities and landlord. He eventually paid me back but it was hell to take care of it all, along with finding a new place to move and putting together the pieces of our business that he left in tatters. 

Blood hell, I'm not doing that. I'll go bankrupt first. I guess I'll have to cross that bridge when I come to it. 

He hasn't said anything about his debts. He indicated that I would have no claim to his social security, go 50/50 joint custody (so he wouldn't have to pay child support, he cares nothing for actually BEING with my son) and that what is his would be his, debts and assets and the same with me. I might have no choice but to agree but I'll be watching how he treats my son like a hawk. 

My son says "NO WAY" is he spending holidays with his father. 

In any case, when a judge hears some of what has gone on in the last few months he may see it differently. My H is threatening to get a lawyer in the mix and I don't want that so I have to play ball with him but I want to see what I'm in for. 

If my son wasn't in the mix I'd just say "You take yours, I'll take mine and we're done." I guess that's always the case though.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Freak On a Leash said:


> That's nuts! This man went out AFTER we separated and dissolved all our joint accounts. We didn't have ANY credit cards together before we separated. Then he got himself a slew of credit cards and loans and if he defaults on HIS credit cards and loans, they can come after me? They were in his name only. I had absolutely nothing to do with them, didn't know he took them out and I have no idea how much he has run up or what they are. I'm completely clueless.(


It may be different if it was after you separated. I would check with a lawyer. Many do free 30-min consultations. My D packet also had a form that you can send in to any of the creditors and they are required to provide you with prompt balance info on spouses account.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> He took out loans and credit cards in his mame only without my knowledge or consent after we separated. He's living off the cards (or so he says) and hasn't worked in 2 years.He's an alcoholic who has spent a good amount of his money on his boat, his vacations, his booze and cigarettes and now he says he's paying his bills with the credit cards.
> 
> I looked it up and if they are "marital" debts that benefit the marriage or are things like medical bills then it's split but the way he did I think I'm good. If someone uses credit or loans to engage an escort service, go gamblingt or buy expensive toys it's NOT considered marital debt.
> 
> ...


In most states it's easy to argue that once a spouse leaves the separation has started and the debt only belongs to the one who made it.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

zillard said:


> It may be different if it was after you separated. I would check with a lawyer. Many do free 30-min consultations. My D packet also had a form that you can send in to any of the creditors and they are required to provide you with prompt balance info on spouses account.



I did a free 30 minute consultation. Aside from finding out that there's no way in hell I can afford a lawyer he told me that any debts obtained while married are divided "equitably", but that doesn't mean 50/50 and it's at the discretion of the judge how it's divied up. I'm hoping a judge will take into consideration that we've been separated for 2 years and it was during that time that my alcoholic husband decided to live off credit cards while not working, take out loans for a boat, etc. 

Meanwhile I've been working my butt off, pay all my bills on time and have no debts. 

He strongly suggested that my H and I sit down and try to come to an agreement but after hearing some of what I've told that's going on he said "could be a nasty divorce"..and it's gotten even worse from there!

I am trying to do is get his debts and assets to be his and mine to be mine esp since most of it was done AFTER we separated. 

I can't send in any forms to his creditors because I have no idea WHO they are! I know he's got several charge cards and a loan out on his boat (he lied and said he paid cash!). :banghead:


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> In most states it's easy to argue that once a spouse leaves the separation has started and the debt only belongs to the one who made it.


I'm hoping that's the case here. One can only hope.


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## 2betex (May 16, 2012)

After 28 years, we went through a colabarative process in the State of Washington. The cost was under $1500 the papers were files in a county where we did not have face a judge. It was rubber stamped. Rather painless from that perspective but emotionally costly as we have lived together for a few months after it was finalized. We just sold our house and are in the process of moving. She did sneak in a clause that I have to assit in payingher car payments until I move out of state.. but what ever, just 90 a paycheck or aboiut two thirds of the payments. It is ok ust to move on. the laywer were really helpful in this as they even helped us understand everything we were going to go through.

We drew up a spreadsheet and split most of our assets, but I still owe her 40K in IRA funds.. but much to my delight, do to her financial resposibility, we found about the same amout I owed her in an account she "forgot" about. All being said and done. This has been a rather easy process. I would highly recomend a collaberative process if you can.

We both have apartments now and will be totally apart in a few more weeks. Glad it will be over.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

Just to add...in Florida we have a marital and non-marital assets.
"the court shall set apart to each spouse that spouse’s nonmarital assets and liabilities"


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Pbartender said:


> Yep, it's similar here... If you acquired the asset -- property, possession, credit or debt -- while you were married, it doesn't matter whose name is or isn't on it, it's still considered marital property or debt, and a judge can split it up however he likes and assign it to whoever he likes.


Yes it matters whose name is on it. Just because a judge might say one party is liable, the creditor can go after anyone whose name is on the debt, whether it's a mortage or a department store credit card.



EleGirl said:


> In most states it's easy to argue that once a spouse leaves the separation has started and the debt only belongs to the one who made it.


Unless the debt is made against a marital asset such as the home. Then both parties are going to take a hit when the creditors come after the monies that are due. Regardless of how the courts assign responsibility for paying back the debt. 



zillard said:


> HOWEVER! Creditors are not bound by the divorce decree and can still go after either party if one defaults later.


I see this was addressed already by this poster, who is of course correct. 



WomanScorned said:


> If you can stand to talk to the ex, going outside of court is a good idea. But you have to be able to think objectively, which can be hard at the beginning when everything is raw and sore.


Also realize that if you try to make a deal with your ex, your ex will now be aware of what you're willing to give in a settlement and that becomes the lowest possible number which could be used against you in a litigated divorce. 



WomanScorned said:


> I could have taken him to the cleaners as he had an affair, but in the interest of providing some form of stability for the kids I figured it wasn't worth it to drag it out in court.


Wrong. No one cares about the affair when it comes to splitting up assets or child custody issues unless the children would be adversely affected.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Freak On a Leash said:


> He basically told me that lawyers are expensive.. .. I can think of about a million things I would rather spend $5k on. I could buy my daughter's car from my H for that.


No one wants to give money to attorneys. Heck my divorce cost me over a 100 grand and that was just for MY attorney. We're not talking just a "car", in my case it was college education for the kids and a good chunk of retirement. 

People lose their entire homes paying for attorneys in high conflict divorces, often paying much more in attorneys fees than whatever it is they were fighting over.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

sharkeey said:


> No one wants to give money to attorneys. Heck my divorce cost me over a 100 grand and that was just for MY attorney. We're not talking just a "car", in my case it was college education for the kids and a good chunk of retirement.
> 
> People lose their entire homes paying for attorneys in high conflict divorces, often paying much more in attorneys fees than whatever it is they were fighting over.


We don't have a home and my daughter is putting herself through college. Her father hasn't given her a dime towards her education. There's no retirement, no investments or pensions or anything. My H has money he inherited (though now he claims it's all gone) and that's not community property. I have an 8 year old Jeep Wrangler. That's it. 

I need child support for my 15 year old son and I'd love for that bastard to help out my daughter for college but at this point if he'd just go away and never show his face around here again I'd be happy. 

Sad to say, but my H and I don't have much to show after 24 years of marriage so I see no need to shell out the big bucks for an attorney.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

sharkeey said:


> Yes it matters whose name is on it. Just because a judge might say one party is liable, the creditor can go after anyone whose name is on the debt, whether it's a mortage or a department store credit card.


My name is not on ANY of his loans or credit cards. He got them all after we separated and moved out of the house we were living in (renting). We have never owned a home.


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## frootloop (Dec 20, 2010)

The separation date was significant in my divorce. Things were computed based off that in some cases. 

I'm not a lawyer, but I'd bet you won't have much trouble with his debts that are not in your name as well, given as they didn't exist at separation time, but I don't live in NJ either.


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

We did something called Soft Divorce. It was around $1500.
It might be like mediation, but the firm we went through only accepts amicable couples who have their kids' best interest at heart, as opposed to bitter, fighting couples. 
The attorney was technically retained by my ex, but he was not shown preferential treatment. I actually came out of our only meeting with the better end of the "deal" and I kept my mouth shut for most of it. 
Don't know if it's available outside of DFW, though.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

sayjellybeans said:


> It might be like mediation, but the firm we went through only accepts amicable couples who have their kids' best interest at heart, as opposed to bitter, fighting couples.


If we were amicable and my STBXH had the kids best interests at heart we wouldn't have to spend a dime because we could sit down, draw up a contract and get it approved by the judge in an uncontested divorce. 

Unfortunately my H's words and actions have shown him to be anything BUT amicable and he certainly doesn't give a damn about our kids, except to inflict as much pain and misery as he can on them so I think our chances are pretty small that we'll be able to get this done in a timely and friendly fashion. 

So it'll have to be contested and go through all sorts of meetings and mediation that's required by the state and probably a trial and hopefully a judge will figure out what a slimebucket he is. I'll be doing my best to prove that, that's for sure. 

But for now, I'm just trying to put the pieces back together and give my kids a nice Christmas and New Years before getting back on track for the D.


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

Freak On a Leash said:


> If we were amicable and my STBXH had the kids best interests at heart we wouldn't have to spend a dime because we could sit down, draw up a contract and get it approved by the judge in an uncontested divorce.
> 
> Unfortunately my H's words and actions have shown him to be anything BUT amicable and he certainly doesn't give a damn about our kids, except to inflict as much pain and misery as he can on them so I think our chances are pretty small that we'll be able to get this done in a timely and friendly fashion.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry you're having to deal with all of that crap! I wish sublime peace for you in this season before you have to battle your ex. 

Because I wasn't ready for divorce, I was letting ex do things on his own and that was the method he chose. If it had been me, I would have just pulled up some template from the net and filled in the blanks, no lawyers necessary.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Don't know if you've read my whole story or want to but it's here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/life-after-divorce/62612-after-2-years-its-finally-going-happen.html

Yeah, it's been pretty crappy but now at least I can say I'm emotionally and mentally ready for divorcing him. I don't think I could've said that two years ago, even after all that he pulled then. I still loved him and was hopeful we could work things out and I wasn't strong enough. 

Now I am and feel confident that I'll get through it. I've gotten a lot of things done in just these past few weeks. 

2013 will be a good year because I will finally be free of my H for good.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Freak On a Leash said:


> 2013 will be a good year because I will finally be free of my H for good.


My divorce took almost 3 years.


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## Feynman (Dec 18, 2012)

I had a very amicable divorce.

No debt, a house with some equity (~15k), and her car still had a lien.

She talked to a lawyer and explained that all we wanted was someone to file for us. The lawyer sent us a blank decree and all we had to do was fill in the blanks. I gave her the house, 50/50 custody was specified, and zero child support was included. I told the ex that if child support was in the agreement then it would have to go through the official channels of the state collecting it and giving it to her. She's very independent, and that arrangement would make it seem like she's depending on me, so she agreed to have zero in the decree. In reality I give her whatever she needs, which I am happy to do as she is the most frugal person I know. I have been paying her house and car note as the combined amount is approximately what she needs.

My 401k was split 50/50 in the decree, as she was a SAHM from the beginning. I did that myself without engaging a lawyer.

I think this is atypical, as it requires her to trust me to do the right thing. She knows that I am a really good guy and will do that.

I gave her the house because I viewed it as compensation for being married to me- she was very unhappy, although she didn't show it.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Feynman said:


> I had a very amicable divorce.
> 
> No debt, a house with some equity (~15k), and her car still had a lien.


Funny how that works.. those with no assets don't have anything to fight about and quickly realize that their total marital assets are probably less than their combined attorneys retainers will be, and they probably can't even afford attorneys in the first place, so they settle.

Then you have guys like me with a couple of million in assets and everyone is fighting for their piece of the big pie (including the attorneys of course) and it gets expensive. 



Feynman said:


> My 401k was split 50/50 in the decree, as she was a SAHM from the beginning.


Your exwife being a SAHM has nothing whatsoever to do with splitting the 401k. Any accounts/assets/etc obtained during the marriage are considered joint marital property unless proven otherwise and she's entitled to half that account whether she stayed at home or worked her own job and of course if she had worked, and had a retirement fund during the marriage you'd be entitled to half of that as well, in which case there'd probably be some offsets but whatever.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> *Funny how that works.. those with no assets don't have anything to fight about and quickly realize that their total marital assets are probably less than their combined attorneys retainers will be, and they probably can't even afford attorneys in the first place, so they settle.
> 
> Then you have guys like me with a couple of million in assets and everyone is fighting for their piece of the big pie (including the attorneys of course) and it gets expensive. *
> 
> ...


Not necessarily. Ex and I have a lot of assets including multiple investment properties, collectables etc. We did not engage lawyers. We are very amicable and neither wanted to pay upwards of $50k to lawyers and end up with the same result anyway.

We have since sold a couple of houses but we still hold a couple in joint names as we trust each other. We still have over $100k sitting in a joint bank account and just keep a tally of who uses what money.


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## Serenity_Prayer (Oct 31, 2012)

We are doing mediation, so one lawyer for both, mostly to help muddle through all the legal stuff. We have kids, assets and debt up the wazoo. You do have to be fair, rational people for it to work, but it's cheaper and easier, probably about $1,500 once all is said and done. It's so much less stress and easier to do what's best for the kids when you don't have to go through two lawyers to talk to each other.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

My kids dad and I initially spent too much money arriving on shared custody (we weren't married) and splitting up assets/sorting out finances whatever. That was in 2004/2005.

Now we just email each other about schedules and figure it out and I take less in child support than allotted by the law however, I don't work to my full potential and can get by with less voluntarily. He covers the health benefits and I cover other stuff like arranging for and taking son to art institute classes (he has a scholarship but there is a time/materials/gas/transportation requirement/involvement.) 

I plan to go away for a month this summer, the kids will be in camp two of those weeks, they have a partial scholarship for my half, their dad pays full price for his half.

It all works out. There is more than money changing hands from one person to another court-ordered than can make a meaningful and fulfilling life for kids. I can skin a cat nine ways to Sunday so long as it has the lives to give up.

I work from home and arrange my college schedule so that I typically don't need child care. I can also get out and do stuff while the kids are in school or away...my work is not a set schedule.

In the end, getting my kids what they need is more important to me than having it in writing. Having things in writing limits what you can do in some respects.

When I got a divorce from my exH (different man than my kids' dad) I did it myself...got my fee reduced to $40 and used legal aid over the phone for advice for an hour...and the clerks helped me with advice about the paperwork. I took nothing except what I had already taken out of a joint account (7K which is what an attorney I consulted previously told me I'd get in a divorce...and left in everything else he'd got from his year overseas in the military, which was quite a bit) He did transfer me his post-9/11 GI benefits which are probably worth to me $150K of tuition when combined with my own scholarship that leaves me paying no tuition at all, plus some $30K in untaxed housing benefits and another $2400 in book allowance. I have free health care myself as I'm a veteran.

Like I said, it pays to be open-minded and not to spend your life trying to improve your life above and beyond the cost-benefit demarcation line. Following conflict with conflict is not a good thing, hence your desire to settle out of court is commendable. I tend to follow the path of least resistance and it's more of a winning situation than a retreat or concession. I have exactly what is valuable to me, as well as having been drama free except for the initial mistake in 2004/2005.


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