# Seperated.....Not doing too well. How to have hope?



## Cfar (Jun 4, 2011)

Hello, my name is Chelsea. I'm 23 and my .. well fiance? I don't know if I can call him that anymore is 24. We were due to get married this December 31st. I have my dress and well... lots of stuff went down...sorry if this is long I appreciate you reading this.

Brian and I met back in 2007. We hit it off right away. He went to school down where I lived and we actually got together the day he graduated and moved back home which was 5 1/2 hours away from me. Our relationship survived strongly and eventually I moved up there with him. Things were great till things went down with his parents about a year after I moved there. I stood up for myself and Brian had my back. He comes from a family where is mother is VERY controlling and demanding. He shuts down emotionally because of her ways of dealing with problems as a kid and all the kids in the family deal with things the same way. BOTTLING IT UP 

(When we got engaged his mom said i'm sorry to hear that while the ENTIRE rest of his family were so happy for us..annnd my parents suffered a HORRENDOUS divorce and told me they were getting a divorce the day after we got engaged -- random tidbit of info)

About 2 years later we moved back down where my family is and things were good. Not as good as they were when we had our own apartment and such - but Brian couldn't find a job for a year and I just worked part time. That put lots of stress on us. That and we lived with my dad who I never got along with in my childhood he was abusive verbally emotionally and USED to be physically. Not anymore and not for a long time. He's got a whole boat load of issues but Brian and him really hit it off and through them it helped strengthen my father and I's relationship.

I have HORRIBLE anxiety and depression no insurance and through my job I finally got part-time and i'll be moving up to full time with benefits in a month. I have a doctors appointment next week since it was the earliest I can get in...but anways 

We moved out of my dad's a yera ago back on our own only problem it was a horse farm (I LOVE HORSES) and we got free rent for work..so I worked and Brian worked but an hour away...and I was stuck at home 24.7 no car, tv, interent. It was not good - better that we were on our own but bad I was trapped.

My friend Derek offered his house so we could be back by our friends in January we jumped on the chance his dad went to jail - long story short he did some fraud his mom had noidea she left house in forclosure and we can stay rent free just utilities till then and our PLAN was to save for a place of our own again..

Derek and I butt heads. Love the kid to death but he's VERY emotial and so am I - i'm impulsive stubborn and worry about EVERY LITTLE THING. We fight like brother and sister and he stresses me out like no other. He has no job gets checks from the father's old buissness and he sits around all day often being to lazy to even take the dogs outside to go to the bathroom. It REALY REALLY stresses me out and I used to be able to bottle it but...I couldn't anymore WHICH 

COMES TO HOW THINGS WENT DOWN!

-- Last Tuesday Derek and I have been fighting I went through his stupid phone and I fully honestly whole hartedly see how STUPID and dumb and childish it was. I read something that said "I don't know how brian can stand her she's a *****" and a few days later text him about how it hurt and things blew up he tried to kick me out and I pushed back...I know he NEVER Would... So I kinda instigate things. which is know was such a stupid thing to do and if I could take it back I would I really see how being like this negatively effects me...

But I called Brian and he said that I should've shut up and (Not word from word) and kept my mouth shut and it stressed him out to the point he ended it...

I freaked. The DAY before we were on a date at olive garden and he opened my car door and kissed me before I got inside....I was COMPLETELY blindsided. He tried ending it and before he left I blurted out the only thing left which was "can we be sepearted?!" 

He agreed and I mean I haven't gone anywhere he sleeps on the couch and I sleep in our bed. He refuses to talk about it excpect for 3 times when I was the one upset crying scared to death about how i'm sorry and I see everything I've done wrong.

He goes out no texts not calls. But if he's home he'll talk to me like completely normal just minus any affection. He'll still do nice things for me - but thats just how he is he could be PISSED as hell at you and be nice because he hates drama and conflict that much.

I'm running on hope because I can't function thinking about it being done. 

He said a week ago it was 50/50 and I started intruding on his space because i'm confused at what is acceptable and not - I dind't think he'd even TALK to me again so when he did I was like.."things are..okay?" And they weren't..

As of Wednesday night things are as followed:

When he said we separated he said he had NO intention of working things out WHEN THIS FIRST HAPPENED LAST TUESDAY and he was still so angry about everything and all the stress that he was still "**** her **** her **** her" but then calmed down to 50/50 and now a little over 50/50...so I dunno...I told him not to lead me on..I hang on his every word looking for a sign a clue and I know thats not good I just don't know what else to do.. He said he'd come to me when he's ready to talk and I just don't see that happening he can't come to talk to me if he has a problem or is stressed...

I want to TALK through this and work it out. I want to be calm and tell him what we can do.. but he's still "I need my space."

We don't fight at all this is the most serious fight we've every been through and although i'm trying my best to respect his space (I think I have serious seperation anxiety) It's so insanely hard.

I know this isn't all my fault I know he's stressed about Derek our roomate it stresses him out almost as much as me. He's stressed about work, about our finances, about this that anything probably 24 years worth of stuff and he has no outlett.

I've been lazy he is a mechanic and does sidework and I always want him around .. so i'll be like "are you done lets' get something to eat" and I don't mean it to be mean...I Just wanna spend time with him and I should've brought food to him and ate with him..instead of nagged.

but he doesn't tell me if I do something that angers him. 

I"m trying to do positive things each day. I admit I got lazy. - I'm doing our laundry when it used to sit a LONG time before it got washed. I'm trying to give him space and work on myself. Let things go not dig into things, take him every word or action for it's literal meaning and not blow it up or get even more stressed.

Brian is a VERY literal guy. 

I don't really know what else to do. I don't want to keep prying I feel like i've pushed enough but it's eating me alive. He said the space helped him calm down from "no chance, to 50/50, to a little bit over 50/50 in my favor" But I can't keep asking or bugging him I know I can't.

I'm scared. I have never been more scared in my life. I suggested couples counceling as well as counceling for myself but he doesn't talk about it much. 

He did say his biggest fears were.. "This happening again, and not feeling it anymore"

We click. We really do we have a lot of the same interests and things that we can do seperate only I don't like to be seperated. I know this is a HUUUUUUUUGE problem. I just want him to know it won't be the same I see problems and can fix them not all at once but i'm willing to try so hard.

I'm trying to try and give him space but when he starts talking to me normal about whatever I Just want to be close to him and I Just let him talk to me...it's better than nothing...

Sorry this is like a book I could go on for hours because this is pretty much the only thing i've thought about for a week and a half. He said he hasn't had much time to think about it and is sorry he's been really busy...which I understand it's just such a big deal to me and he said it feels like we were just in a fight and he's sleeping on the couch. When I KNOW it's not it's SO much more than that.

I told him I have hope because it's all I can do...and we haven't talked about it since Tuesday except that I said i'll judge how we were doing on hugs ...which was stupid I'm just despeate and I think it was dumb to do and when he didn't give me one today I got super scared and emotional and he asked why I was upset and I told him and i'm said "Just forget the hug thing I don't wanna do anything that could negatively affect us it was stupid and I'm sorry I get upset over stupid stuff i'm just very emotional right now." He said it didn't mean things were bad...

I need to have hope I need to show him I can be independent but I feel guilty if I am not sad or worrying. Which is stupid...I want him to know I need him but not need to be attached at the hip but i'm having trouble finding balance.

I cry every day. I try to just forget about it but I can't. I think we need to be on our own and work on communication and I need to work on myself I got lazy and i'm so disappointed in myself. I want to find healthy ways for him to relieve stress as well as myself.I don't' want to snap at him anymore and I want to work this out but i'm at a loss...we've NEVER EVER EVER fought like this...

We've gone through a lot of bad stuff and our relationship took a lot of the damage. I've fallen back into bad patterns and he's shut down completely. We've been through so much together and I love him so much I'd do anything to work on this...I'm just so ... confused.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

The first thing I would suggest is that you give him his space. He keeps asking for it and from what I'm reading it doesn't sound like your honoring his request. Begging, crying, pleading just makes you look pathetic and it's not attractive. I know it's the natural thing to do, but you need to stop,and stop immediately.

As for your anxiety/depression, that is on you to control. You can't make your issues his problem. It isn't his fault you have separation anxiety, don't make him your crutch.

I have depression/anxiety myself and I know how hard it is to deal with. However, with meds and therapy (there is no way you can treat them with just meds alone) it has done wonders for me. I think you need it as well, because if it really is over you are going to have to accept it and cope with it. I know it hurts and I know it's hard, but you have to. Just take one day at a time.
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## Cfar (Jun 4, 2011)

I'm just so blindsided. I honestly never thought this would happen. I want to make a plan to do more things. He's home now and I haven't gone near him..He's outside with our roomates and friends. 

I need to control it and I think i've been doing a good job. I haven't spazzed out much, yes I cry but once i do I feel like I can keep going. I plan to get therapy as soon as I get full time insurance I can't afford to pay outright for it currently. 

I just want to do positive things but I'm at a loss.

I know i look like a fool. But i'm trying as hard as I can. I guess i'll try harder and just stay out of his way? Not even talk to him like normal?


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Holy man, I feel your anxiety reading this. Here's the thing - firstly if he stays with you as a favor or out of pity, so for your benefit, it's a matter of time before the relationship is over. So at this point, your needs don't matter. Secondly talking about what you can do for him is annoying and doesn't get you anywhere - showing him does. Show him without the, 'see what I did - huh huh - look - good hey?' Mentality. Do it and be quiet about it. And finally be someone he's excited to be with. If you're pathetic and whiney, you're not a lot of fun. Read up on the 180 and do it, live it and mean it. Good luck to you!
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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Cfar said:


> I'm just so blindsided. I honestly never thought this would happen. I want to make a plan to do more things. He's home now and I haven't gone near him..He's outside with our roomates and friends.
> 
> I need to control it and I think i've been doing a good job. I haven't spazzed out much, yes I cry but once i do I feel like I can keep going. I plan to get therapy as soon as I get full time insurance I can't afford to pay outright for it currently.
> 
> ...



Give him emotional space. No relationship talks or sad puppy face. By all means hang out with group and be outgoing and positive! Make him look at you like, 'Holy Crap, I don't want to lose her, she's so much fun and awesome'. Don't hang on him or wait on him. Don't be rude or flirtatious with others. Be the person everyone wants to hang with because they are so nice and fun to talk to.
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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

In other words, get a life for yourself, work on yourself. I know it's hard to do and that getting started is the hardest part.

You need to ask yourself something, do you want to be with a man who breaks off an engagement because you fought with his roommate? That doesn't even make sense. If the first major fight causes him to second guess the relationship, what will happen if you do get married and have a disagreement?

From what I know, usually when someone breaks up with their partner, they have been thinking about it for a while so I doubt this argument really is the reason, he's just hiding behind an excuse.

Yes, therapy is expensive and I hope you can go soon. You could at least call around and see if you can make some sort of payment arrangements. It might be worth looking in to.

Keep posting here, this is a wonderful group of supportive people who can give you advice and support.
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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

There are also some places that have reduced fees for those who don't have insurance or are below a certain level of income. You might call around and find out if there are any of those around.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's horrible!

I agree with giving him space as others have mentioned.

Lastly, what is this 50/50 crap? I would be so mad if my soon to be ex started giving me odds as to if he would stay or not. You are in or you are out.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Lots of wise experienced people on here cfar. You're very young and love is powerful, I believe more powerful when you are young because you have'nt been tainted by years of a mixture of good and bad experiences. I remember the beauty and power of pure love so I can understand how hurt you are right now. Folks on this forum do have a wealth of experience and wisdom and although it may not be what you want to hear, their advice for you to work on yourself and be YOU is worth considering. I know you may not understand it right now but in a way you have been given a chance that many of us never had and that is that you have been given a warning BEFORE you get married. I can guarantee you one thing though, married life gets harder, I didnt say it gets worse, i said it gets a lot tougher, you have blessed and wonderful times (and children), and you have very difficult and painful times, so you will need to be there for each other through thick and thin. You will need to do be fully comfortable in knowing that he will always be there for you firstly and fully. And from what I see in your post he isnt demonstrating that already, he would rather risk you for a friend. I know he is a friend but this looks bad already. I agree with DG, he hasn't been 100% sure about this weddingfor a while now. You don't just up and decide you want to break off an engagement. Have a calm conversation with him when emotions aren't so tense. Just my ,
.02 worth. I wish you the best.
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