# Do they ever take ownership....empathy



## Just Not Goood (Oct 24, 2011)

OK, divorce is in progress. We at least have the custody issue settled (appears that way), where the ex to be agrees to legalize 50:50 joint custody rather than pursue primary. 

The court master recommended we go to counseling to learn how to better communicate when it comes to our kids. In counseling, we both acknowledged we don't trust one another. I don't trust her because of her extramarital shenanigans, rampant lying pre and post filing and how she blatantly manipulates circumstances and custody schedules to support her new developed relationship (the one that started under my marital roof). She doesn't trust me, because of mild snooping which, I, IMO, was justified when I suspected the affair, and other really slimy behaviors that were occurring as custody litigations were present. The trust issues obviously create contention.

The counselor feels that we should alleviate the contention somehow and work on regaining trust. However, for that to happen with me, my ex to be has to understand the magnitude of hurt her behavior has caused. She has to have empathy and take ownership for her behaviors and how it created the situation we are in (That is, lack of trust with contention in the air that can be cut with a knife). However, she really, really thinks she did nothing wrong, and continues to demonize me. She is deep, deep in that fog.

I take my ownership for contention and lack of trust. Is there any chance the mother of my kids would own up to how ridiculously awful her behavior was? Am I just wasting my time and energy hoping I'd get the empathy I rightfully deserve?


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Highly doubtful brother. Regardless... At this point if she takes ownership or validates your feelings it will only be to placate you. She needs this to be your fault. Dunno if you've read it, but at the top on the page there is a sticky with common themes... Read" never say never"... It's about the psychological and physiological war going on in foggyville
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

yep, I doubt she will ever own up to it, even if she did she still won't really grasp the pain she caused you. But you don't need to put your trust in her as a SPOUSE any more... trust isn't a blind thing that you just leave up to someone else, you don't "trust" someone, you PUT YOUR TRUST IN THEM. So as the mother of your child you put some trust in her that she will provide the proper care and affection for your child, that she will put the best interest of your child first... so I realize it is hard not to question their very sanity when they can do such wreckless behavior, but based on her experience as a mother, can you put some trust in her? If not then you need to find out if it is your issues or if it is still hers, and if its hers you need to do what is best for your child, such as fighting for sole custody. Your responsibility to make this decision.


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## Lowlife (Nov 27, 2011)

Sorry to say....but my experience has been no, they will not own up to it. My x never admitted what she did even when I confronted her face to face and I had the evidence. She was caught dead to rights. She just kept right on lying. In the end it was my fault it was over and I was the looser. :rofl: uh huh......:slap:


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## InFlux (Oct 30, 2011)

She MIGHT own up to it way down the line after you've moved-on and she has played the field a bit and has more perspective that her Disneyland fantasy didn't turn-out the way she imagined it. She doesn't have the perspective NOW, however. Right now, you're a lost cause as far as she's concerned and moving-on is the best thing for her. She's thinking this way because she has to. It's a self-defense mechanism, erected in part, to justify everything she's done. The advantage you have over her right now, however, is that you HAVE the perspective she lacks and can see the forest for the trees. That's why it's so hard for you because you're thinking to yourself "she doesn't get it!" You're thinking "she doesn't get it even here at the end when her marriage is going-up in smoke right in front of her!"


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Since she is divorcing you anyway, she may want to keep her pride(?) by walking tall. This basically gives you a nil chance of R.


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## Anubis (Jul 12, 2011)

I've seen this often with women who stray, not so much with men. She's not going to own up - saving face and appearing to be the "good girl" and if possible the "wronged spouse" (by making it all your fault) are too important to her. So yes, you are wasting your time and energy on this (for now).

Tell the counselor AND her both this is a blocking issue for you and hold your ground. She will try and wait you out or get you to give in on this in. Don't do it - you'll hate yourself for doing so later. Let them know you can not trust her because of this and that you just need to move on.


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