# Dreading Tomorrow



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Those of you who know my story, tomorrow I am taking the kids to see their mom. Also be the first time I see my STBXW since she got served. I am not looking forward to the emotional hurricane that will be coming from the kids. Wish me luck


----------



## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Numb26 said:


> Those of you who know my story, tomorrow I am taking the kids to see their mom. Also be the first time I see my STBXW since she got served. I am not looking forward to the emotional hurricane that will be coming from the kids. Wish me luck


In jail, or is she not in yet?


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Take someone with you the first time and let them help you by taking up the kids to her until you feel comfortable, please please please take a hottie, let her drop off the kids. Then it will be a nice setting for future engagements.

Tilted


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Then if she gets excited and goes off, they will cut the visit really short.


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Hello Numb, how did it go?


----------



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Tilted 1 said:


> Hello Numb, how did it go?


About how you would have expected. Kids happy to see their Mom, then crying all the way home. STBXW trying to talk to me about what happened and me.making her focus on the kids because that's the only reason I went. Then me doing some drinking when I got home. LOL


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Numb26 said:


> About how you would have expected. Kids happy to see their Mom, then crying all the way home. STBXW trying to talk to me about what happened and me making her focus on the kids because that's the only reason I went. Then me doing some drinking when I got home. LOL


For what it's worth, it does get better. My kids used to cry the whole way home from visiting their mom, or fight and try to kill each other. I don't know when that stopped but somewhere along the way, after many months, it did stop.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

For some reason the image in my mind of your kids crying all the way back home touched a nerve on me, and made my eyes watery. 

I'm so sorry for you and your kids. I cannot fully comprehend your pain; although, cognitively I know what it must be. Eventually, everything will solve itself; it's just a matter of time. Wishing the best to you and your kids.


----------



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

bobert said:


> Numb26 said:
> 
> 
> > About how you would have expected. Kids happy to see their Mom, then crying all the way home. STBXW trying to talk to me about what happened and me making her focus on the kids because that's the only reason I went. Then me doing some drinking when I got home. LOL
> ...


I am hoping the therapist that the kids have now can help shorten that period.


----------



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Rob_1 said:


> For some reason the image in my mind of your kids crying all the way back home touched a nerve on me, and made my eyes watery.
> 
> I'm so sorry for you and your kids. I cannot fully comprehend your pain; although, cognitively I know what it must be. Eventually, everything will solve itself; it's just a matter of time. Wishing the best to you and your kids.


Thank you so much


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Numb26 said:


> I am hoping the therapist that the kids have now can help shorten that period.


Having the therapist should help. My kids had (have) therapists but it still took quite a while to get better, but there was a lot going on. I think the frequency of visits is a factor as well. My kids went for visits about once a month. If they were going more often the crying and acting out may have stopped sooner. A big break in between visits was hard for them. 

Something that I found helpful was having time with the kids, after each visit, to decompress. Go to a park, go for a walk, go to a movie, etc. It was good for everyone.


----------



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

bobert said:


> Numb26 said:
> 
> 
> > I am hoping the therapist that the kids have now can help shorten that period.
> ...


The therapist had previously suggested that so I took off rest of this week so I could be here for the kids


----------



## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

I also agree that the alcohol for yourself was a good call in this situation.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I'm so sorry man. I remember being that kid, and I can't imagine how hard that was on my mom.

It got better, though. And I don't blame my mom for any of it; I'm thankful she got me out of a **** show situation with my bio dad.


----------



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Marduk said:


> I'm so sorry man. I remember being that kid, and I can't imagine how hard that was on my mom.
> 
> It got better, though. And I don't blame my mom for any of it; I'm thankful she got me out of a **** show situation with my bio dad.


I can be strong for the kids like your mom was for you.


----------



## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I remember visiting my Mom when she was hospitalized for almost a year. It was a horrible time in my childhood. Having her back and then ripped away again after the visit was pure torture. There is no other way to describe it. 

It might help to give the kids some tasks that make them feel closer to her...color a picture, write her a story, etc. Something that their Mom really "needs" so they really want to do it to make her life better. Despite what she's done they miss her greatly and love her a lot. They need to feel like she also needs them and is not forgetting them in between the visits. 

You're a good Dad to bring them. You've been really strong for them. I hope you enjoyed that drink...you deserved it!!!


----------



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

notmyjamie said:


> I remember visiting my Mom when she was hospitalized for almost a year. It was a horrible time in my childhood. Having her back and then ripped away again after the visit was pure torture. There is no other way to describe it.
> 
> It might help to give the kids some tasks that make them feel closer to her...color a picture, write her a story, etc. Something that their Mom really "needs" so they really want to do it to make her life better. Despite what she's done they miss her greatly and love her a lot. They need to feel like she also needs them and is not forgetting them in between the visits.
> 
> You're a good Dad to bring them. You've been really strong for them. I hope you enjoyed that drink...you deserved it!!!


That's the most important thing I think, no matter what happened between her and I and no matter that she is where she is she is still their mother. I have never and will never bad mouth her to them. The STBXW will have to come to terms with what she did and one day have to explain it to our kids. It is not for me to do. 
What makes it worse is that she was a great mother to them.


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Numb26 said:


> What makes it worse is that she was a great mother to them.


That's the friggin problem, l truly feel for you Numb. But you and your children deserve a real woman, ( not a memory of one that doesn't exist anymore) and you will find one but understand this there is nothing I mean nothing your STBWXW can ever do to undo her ****ups, this is karma in real time. And they all cry croc tears when they are locked up, but it will be a different story once she faces the penalty for her crime. 

Then she will use herself and the kids to get back at you, this ****show hasn't even started yet. Protect yourself and don't even go there thinking you can be her K.I.S.S. As much as you want too, don't cave. Don't think those things she did we're things you can forgive and forget. 

She will throw herself at your feet possibly, just to manipulate your heart.


----------



## shortbus (Jul 25, 2017)

I agree, it was a good reason to have a drink. Matter of fact, I'm having one for you right now.
Cheers and here's to your hopefully swift divorce.


----------



## 20yr (Apr 19, 2019)

Numb26 said:


> I can be strong for the kids like your mom was for you.


Numb, you are doing a great job. Your kids are lucky to have you as their rock.


----------



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

notmyjamie said:


> I remember visiting my Mom when she was hospitalized for almost a year. It was a horrible time in my childhood. Having her back and then ripped away again after the visit was pure torture. There is no other way to describe it.
> 
> It might help to give the kids some tasks that make them feel closer to her...color a picture, write her a story, etc. Something that their Mom really "needs" so they really want to do it to make her life better. Despite what she's done they miss her greatly and love her a lot. They need to feel like she also needs them and is not forgetting them in between the visits.
> 
> You're a good Dad to bring them. You've been really strong for them. I hope you enjoyed that drink...you deserved it!!!


Those are all great ideas! They also want to send her care packages but I have to check and see if that is allowed.
I agreed to bring them every two weeks if I am able to work it into our daily schedule. I am not going to interrupt the kids plans (band, after school activities, etc.) just to placate the EX


----------



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Tilted 1 said:


> Numb26 said:
> 
> 
> > What makes it worse is that she was a great mother to them.
> ...


She has already started throwing herself at me and I ignored it. As long as she doesn't try to use the kids to get to me things will be fine. And she will have a hard time doing that because I will always be right there when they have visitation


----------



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

20yr said:


> Numb26 said:
> 
> 
> > I can be strong for the kids like your mom was for you.
> ...


Trying my best!


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Numb26 said:


> She has already started throwing herself at me and I ignored it. As long as she doesn't try to use the kids to get to me things will be fine. And she will have a hard time doing that because I will always be right there when they have visitation


Numb, it's going to increase and it will wear you down, please for your own sake limit your interaction with her as much as possible. You know meet in public places, where she is limited. Did you get the court order to say if she wants to see the kids it must be accompanied and supervised? 

I say this because she really knows which buttons to push on your heart. But because your not a malicious, lying cheating, person. You will tend only to see the good in her. And not hold the bad against her that she has earned. I'm just concerned that she may wear you down over time. But it's just not her first affair, but the one the preceded her going over the edge. That's really who she is and wasn't afraid to show you her wild and cheap side. 

Even then you were thinking it could be mended, you just can't have what was once good in life and those memories, she threw them aside you and her children. That in it's self is the reason and justification for you to move on. It will be tough and it will hurt and take it's toll on you and your kids. 

But your children's tears, because of your love for them, you would almost do anything in your power to remove the hurt from them. This is where it going to take it's toll. None of us is in your shoes or with you. This is why you must stay grounded here on TAM, we will walk with you, and do our best to help you over come this sorrow and broken heart of yours.


----------



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Tilted 1 said:


> Numb26 said:
> 
> 
> > She has already started throwing herself at me and I ignored it. As long as she doesn't try to use the kids to get to me things will be fine. And she will have a hard time doing that because I will always be right there when they have visitation
> ...


I will stay strong. Thankfully, for at least the next year at least I have control over when the kids can see her and when she does it will always be supervised. I am walking this path much easier because I know that at the end it's my freedom and sanity that is waiting for me at the end. I deserve better and so do the kids then what she gave us!


----------



## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I can't remember your children's ages but I was thinking maybe they can exchange journals. Two notebooks to exchange every two weeks. Your wife keeps one and your children keep one (or two,) and they exchange every visit. They can write notes, draw pictures, stickers, glue pictures, etc. Your wife can write notes, letters, etc. 

I remember doing this as a teenager when I dated a long distance guy. We both looked forward to the exchange, even though we had email back then, I remember we liked exchanging journals better.

I'm sorry for what you and your children are going through.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Numb26 said:


> *That's the most important thing I think, no matter what happened between her and I and no matter that she is where she is she is still their mother. I have never and will never bad mouth her to them.  The STBXW will have to come to terms with what she did and one day have to explain it to our kids. It is not for me to do.
> What makes it worse is that she was a great mother to them.*


*Don't ever expect her to confess any of her transgressions to the kids, to the family, or to you!

Despite incarceration and outside of a religious conversion or an internal ecclesiastical revelation, a cheaters mindset is largely just "to let sleeping dogs lie" and pray against all hope that it, in due time, will all simply dissipate into thin air! At some future juncture, much like you, it will be up to them to individually, internally and/or externally, offer forgiveness to her!

Your providing of counseling for the kids is undoubtedly the best possible thing that you could do for them! 

And over the due course of time, you will be their true hero! God bless you, Sir!*


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

pastasauce79 said:


> I can't remember your children's ages but I was thinking maybe they can exchange journals. Two notebooks to exchange every two weeks. Your wife keeps one and your children keep one (or two,) and they exchange every visit. They can write notes, draw pictures, stickers, glue pictures, etc. Your wife can write notes, letters, etc.


It could be a good idea IF she can be trusted to write appropriate things. The last thing Numb needs is her using those journals to get to him (if he has to read them to the kids) or if she says damaging things in them.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Tilted 1 said:


> Numb26 said:
> 
> 
> > She has already started throwing herself at me and I ignored it. As long as she doesn't try to use the kids to get to me things will be fine. And she will have a hard time doing that because I will always be right there when they have visitation
> ...


She’s in jail. So no worries on her manipulating the kids. She can’t see them at all unless he brings them to her and is there himself.


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Agreed l know, but she to get released to a half way home and once there may be just as l said. She won't be in jail all of her life but because she screw it up she want what she once had.


----------



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

pastasauce79 said:


> I can't remember your children's ages but I was thinking maybe they can exchange journals. Two notebooks to exchange every two weeks. Your wife keeps one and your children keep one (or two,) and they exchange every visit. They can write notes, draw pictures, stickers, glue pictures, etc. Your wife can write notes, letters, etc.
> 
> I remember doing this as a teenager when I dated a long distance guy. We both looked forward to the exchange, even though we had email back then, I remember we liked exchanging journals better.
> 
> I'm sorry for what you and your children are going through.


That is an excellent idea! I would have never thought of that.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Tilted 1 said:


> Agreed l know, but she to get released to a half way home and once there may be just as l said. She won't be in jail all of her life but because she screw it up she want what she once had.


I think she will be there long enough for Numb to complete the divorce and move on though. At least a year.

Hopefully he will have a cool girlfriend by the time she’s out!! Or at least he will have dated some and will not still have strong feels for the stbx.


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Faithful Wife said:


> .
> 
> Hopefully he will have a cool girlfriend by the time she’s out!! Or at least he will have dated some and will not still have strong feels for the stbx.


Me too!


----------



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Faithful Wife said:


> Tilted 1 said:
> 
> 
> > Agreed l know, but she to get released to a half way home and once there may be just as l said. She won't be in jail all of her life but because she screw it up she want what she once had.
> ...


Now that I had time to process Tuesday I can honestly say that my feelings are weakening. I don't feel that longing EVEN after seeing her. And I was anxious to leave while I was there.


----------



## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Numb26 said:


> Now that I had time to process Tuesday I can honestly say that my feelings are weakening. I don't feel that longing EVEN after seeing her. And I was anxious to leave while I was there.


This means that you are successfully processing what was done to you and are likely in the plain of lethal flatness. In other words, you neither love nor hate her, you have absolutely no feelings toward her. She is a toaster. Good. Your freedom is now at hand. May cheater Karma hit your ex full force between the eyes. She already is trying her lures on you. Too bad she does not understand where your head is at the moment.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Numb26 said:


> Now that I had time to process Tuesday I can honestly say that my feelings are weakening. I don't feel that longing EVEN after seeing her. And I was anxious to leave while I was there.


*That's only natural, my friend!

Numb ~ please refresh my redundant memory ~ but what is the charge that she is being incarcerated for?*


----------



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

arbitrator said:


> Numb26 said:
> 
> 
> > Now that I had time to process Tuesday I can honestly say that my feelings are weakening. I don't feel that longing EVEN after seeing her. And I was anxious to leave while I was there.
> ...


Possession with Intent to Distribute


----------



## justlistening (Jan 23, 2020)

I haven't read your story, but I wanted you to know that this portion of it touched me and I admire how strong you are being and what a good dad you must be.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Numb26 said:


> Possession with Intent to Distribute


*You and the kids will continue to stay in my prayers!*


----------



## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Possession with the intent to distribute: Minimum sentence guideline is five years. If she had a significant amount then she is looking at a lot more. The sentence could be reduced if she offers testimony. Of course that would paint a target on her back. In any event, this must be part of the D filing. I am unsure as to your children's ages, but in any event, she has messed up any chance at unsupervised visitation, and there will be no chance in hell a judge would give her even partial custody. So, your STBX has stuck a knife into her future in every way shape or form. She will, on release, have a very tough go of it, and you are well within your rights to deny her the kids while she is incarcerated. I use this whenever a spouse is incarcerated in prison or in a hospital. I recommend application to void any previous custody arrangement, as one spouse's actions have made custody impossible. Then I go for full custody, and attach arrest records and any other damning piece of evidence I can wrangle. Of course I have been called a staggering number of names by non custodial grandparents, aunts, uncles etc etc. Sorry. I act for my client. AND when I am convinced that it is best for the children to be with one parent or the other, I advocate very strongly. I have advocated against a client once or twice. In those cases, my client desired custody, but in my heart of hearts I knew this person was incapable of caring for a minor. She could barely care for herself. I made a case to her lawyer to convince her to let her ex and MIL care for the kids. She refused. I pulled a little side gambit with CPS, saying they'd have to visit both homes and make a determination from there. Took them ten seconds inside her apartment.


----------



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Taxman said:


> Possession with the intent to distribute: Minimum sentence guideline is five years. If she had a significant amount then she is looking at a lot more. The sentence could be reduced if she offers testimony. Of course that would paint a target on her back. In any event, this must be part of the D filing. I am unsure as to your children's ages, but in any event, she has messed up any chance at unsupervised visitation, and there will be no chance in hell a judge would give her even partial custody. So, your STBX has stuck a knife into her future in every way shape or form. She will, on release, have a very tough go of it, and you are well within your rights to deny her the kids while she is incarcerated. I use this whenever a spouse is incarcerated in prison or in a hospital. I recommend application to void any previous custody arrangement, as one spouse's actions have made custody impossible. Then I go for full custody, and attach arrest records and any other damning piece of evidence I can wrangle. Of course I have been called a staggering number of names by non custodial grandparents, aunts, uncles etc etc. Sorry. I act for my client. AND when I am convinced that it is best for the children to be with one parent or the other, I advocate very strongly. I have advocated against a client once or twice. In those cases, my client desired custody, but in my heart of hearts I knew this person was incapable of caring for a minor. She could barely care for herself. I made a case to her lawyer to convince her to let her ex and MIL care for the kids. She refused. I pulled a little side gambit with CPS, saying they'd have to visit both homes and make a determination from there. Took them ten seconds inside her apartment.


Everything you said is close to what happened. I have full custody and she has supervised visitations (court appointed) once she gets out. As for her status in the court, rather not share all the particulars but you are fairly close.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* @Taxman ~ You're a good man!
@Numb26 ~ you keep those particulars to yourself ~ God only knows, you've trudged through Hell yourself! *


----------



## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Numb26 said:


> That is an excellent idea! I would have never thought of that.


Of course you have to decide if it's appropriate for your wife to write back and forth.

I feel deeply sorry for your young children, specially if they had a good relationship with their mom.

You and the kids can make trips to Michael's to get scrapbooking supplies. It can help your kids feel close to mom. She can write bed time stories and you can read them at bedtime. It can be cathartic for them as well, writing or drawing their feelings when they feel sad or when they miss mom. 

It makes me so sad what you're going through.


----------



## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Numb26 said:


> Everything you said is close to what happened. I have full custody and she has supervised visitations (court appointed) once she gets out. As for her status in the court, rather not share all the particulars but you are fairly close.


Unfortunately, not my first rodeo. As we are on the same page, I would like to make a few recommendations. For your youngest children, the concept of incarceration can be frightening. Depending on the facility, visiting day can be intimidating, and overwhelming. Please consider counselling. In your particular circumstance, you would probably be better off with a social worker that has a side specialty in developmental psychology. Ask your PCP for some references. If it is at all possible, keep them away from whatever facility she is assigned, if they can skype (which some lower security facilities allow), then all the better. Unfortunately, new normal ain't happening. First transition: Marriage split. Second transition: Parent incarceration. Third transition: Parent released lives in half-way facility. Fourth transition: full release. Chaotic and overwhelming. I have found it best in the few circumstances to which I have been party, to distance the kids from the institution if at all possible.


----------

