# Happy Husband? It’s Easy



## EleGirl

The sentiment below is often touted on TAM as an absolute truth for marriage. 

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All that a man really needs is hot food and a loving woman.
Serve him cold food once in a while he will still eat.
To make a Husband happy...a women has to do so little. Honestly speaking. All she needs is to be available sexually. A sexually satisfied man will do anything and everything for his wife...what’s more he will do it with a smile. 
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Do you find this to be true with your husband? Do you think that it’s really this easy to make most men happy? Or is your personal experience different?

If all you did in your marriage was wild monkey sex when he wanted it and cooked meals, would your husband be completely happy and not expect anything else from you? Would he do everything for you with a smile?

Or have you found that even with lots of wild monkey sex and serving him hot cooked meals, your husband still has more needs for you to fill? If so, what are these needs? Does he get unhappy if you do not meet these other needs?

If your husband expects that you meet needs for him other than lots of hot sex and to serve him hot cooked meals, what do you think is the underlying issue? Is it because he’s hormonal, has psychological issues or is a cheater by nature? What is the character flaw that is the under lying reason that he’s not satisfied with only lots of sex and cooked meals? {Is there a character flaw?}


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## Jellybeans

EleGirl said:


> All that a man really needs is hot food and a loving woman.


And bl0w jobs. Don't forget about the bl0w jobs.


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## Fenix

EleGirl said:


> The sentiment below is often touted on TAM as an absolute truth for marriage.
> 
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> All that a man really needs is hot food and a loving woman.
> Serve him cold food once in a while he will still eat.
> To make a Husband happy...a women has to do so little. Honestly speaking. All she needs is to be available sexually. A sexually satisfied man will do anything and everything for his wife...what’s more he will do it with a smile.
> -------------------------------------------------------------
> 
> If your husband expects that you meet needs for him other than lots of hot sex and to serve him hot cooked meals, what do you think is the underlying issue? Is it because he’s hormonal, has psychological issues or is a cheater by nature? What is the character flaw that is the under lying reason that he’s not satisfied with only lots of sex and cooked meals? {Is there a character flaw?}


I wish that was all there was to it. Maybe it is for a mature, mentally healthy man. I don't know. My x got lots of sex and I love to cook and do it quite well. He did feel appreciated by that. But it wasn't enough. He is a cheater by nature and it is driven by low self esteem. He used affairs as a coping mechanism for stress and to feel powerful. Add in a sense of entitlement also. So, yeah, I would say he has a huge character flaw.


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## EleGirl

Jellybeans said:


> And bl0w jobs. Don't forget about the bl0w jobs.


That's part of wild monkey sex!! 

But you did not answer any of the questions.


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## chillymorn

can't wait to hear the responces.

wild monkey sex and hot cooked meals sounds pretty darn good! but only if its done with a loving attitude.

But in the end each any every relationship is different. don't think this would work for a guy with sexual hang ups. or someone who is not HD. It always astounds me that there are women who are hd and their husband ignors there wifes sexual advances.


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## RandomDude

When the male has LD and the woman has HD there's still problems, you know this EleGirl, especially with my past marriage (even though I'm not LD - ex's just nuts)

There's alot to a good wife that doesn't automatically translate to performance in the bedroom or kitchen



> It always astounds me that there are women who are hd and their husband ignors there wifes sexual advances.


Not if the woman wants it 3x a day, or chucks fits if she doesn't get at least daily! Or starts fights if she didn't get her way!


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## EleGirl

chillymorn said:


> can't wait to hear the responces.
> 
> wild monkey sex and hot cooked meals sounds pretty darn good! but only if its done with a loving attitude.
> 
> But in the end each any every relationship is different. don't think this would work for a guy with sexual hang ups. or someone who is not HD. It always astounds me that there are women who are hd and their husband ignors there wifes sexual advances.


For you.. if you got all the wild money sex and hot meals that you wanted, would that be all you needed from your wife?

Like are you going then be so happy that you will do all the housework, take care of the kids, expect her to show you respect/admiration, spend time with you, be financially responsible... ?What other needs do you have that it would be deal breaker without?


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## chillymorn

EleGirl said:


> For you.. if you got all the wild money sex and hot meals that you wanted, would that be all you needed from your wife?
> 
> Like are you going then be so happy that you will do all the housework, take care of the kids, expect her to show you respect/admiration, spend time with you, be financially responsible... ?What other needs do you have that it would be deal breaker without?


at first I think it would be great but no it would require more for me to be happy. I'm an even steven type of guy in all aspects of a relationship.


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## EleGirl

RandomDude said:


> When the male has LD and the woman has HD there's still problems, you know this EleGirl, especially with my past marriage (even though I'm not LD - ex's just nuts)!


Yes I do know this.

Problems can also happen when both are high drive but the husband feels that his other needs are not being met (reasonable or unreasonable needs), or things are not going well for him (e.g. he lost his job. These things can cause a lot of issues that all the sex and hot meals are not enough.



RandomDude said:


> There's alot to a good wife that doesn't automatically translate to performance in the bedroom or kitchen!


I agree with this.



RandomDude said:


> Not if the woman wants it 3x a day, or chucks fits if she doesn't get at least daily! Or starts fights if she didn't get her way!



Well let's face it, your wife is a very unusual case.


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## TiggyBlue

So if I cook a meal and have loads of mental sex I can drop my job, leave our kid to run a muck and stop doing my share of the cleaning/maintenance?
That sounds brilliant :smthumbup:

My life is about to get a lot easier and my husband is going to be sooo happy


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## EleGirl

Jellybeans said:


> And bl0w jobs. Don't forget about the bl0w jobs.


I have read that red lipstick was originally invents by prostitutes who wanted to advertise that they did bl0w jobs. :rofl:


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## chillymorn

RandomDude said:


> When the male has LD and the woman has HD there's still problems, you know this EleGirl, especially with my past marriage (even though I'm not LD - ex's just nuts)
> 
> There's alot to a good wife that doesn't automatically translate to performance in the bedroom or kitchen
> 
> 
> 
> Not if the woman wants it 3x a day, or chucks fits if she doesn't get at least daily! Or starts fights if she didn't get her way!


I don't know about that. might be a problem I would enjoy having at least for a while. But I'm a hd guy.

If she was generous with the sexual things I like and not a pillow queen expecting to just be serviced and not reciprocate then it would get very old very fast.


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## EleGirl

TiggyBlue said:


> So if I cook a meal and have loads of mental sex I can drop my job, leave our kid to run a muck and stop doing my share of the cleaning/maintenance?
> That sounds brilliant :smthumbup:
> 
> My life is about to get a lot easier and my husband is going to be sooo happy


Yep, apparently so. I what that gig... marriage made in heaven for sure.


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## Anon Pink

I have found it to be mostly true. Of course as a parent if I ignored the kids and home and left him to do everything he might get a tad miffed.

That's one of the reasons why it was so difficult to get him to accept we had some major problems. My sex drive doesn't disappear just because I'm pissed off, disappointed... So we continue to have sex, he thinks everything is great! Meanwhile I'm tired of being taken for granted.


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## EleGirl

Anon Pink said:


> I have found it to be mostly true. Of course as a parent if I ignored the kids and home and left him to do everything he might get a tad miffed.
> 
> That's one of the reasons why it was so difficult to get him to accept we had some major problems. My sex drive doesn't disappear just because I'm pissed off, disappointed... So we continue to have sex, he thinks everything is great! Meanwhile I'm tired of being taken for granted.


From what you wrote here it does to sound like it's true for you.

He's happy, thinks everything is ok, but he's not doing everything for you with a smile (meaning he's not meeting your needs with a smile). That's the important second half of the claim being made.

If you stopped doing everything but sex and meals. How happy do you think your husband will be? If he had to do all the other things that you do... with a smile... would he still be happy with you only providing sex and meals?


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## TiggyBlue

Anon Pink said:


> I have found it to be mostly true. Of course as a parent if I ignored the kids and home and left him to do everything he might get a tad miffed.


Of course he wouldn't, he's not a complicated woman


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## TiggyBlue

I'm think any woman who is HD and has been in a relationship with a go with a guy who's LD knows that it's not that simple (maybe they weren't cooking :scratchhead.


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## EleGirl

TiggyBlue said:


> I'm think any woman who is HD and has been in a relationship with a go with a guy who's LD knows that it's not that simple (maybe they weren't cooking :scratchhead.


Yea maybe that's the problem...


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## samyeagar

EleGirl said:


> The sentiment below is often touted on TAM as an absolute truth for marriage.
> 
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> All that a man really needs is hot food and a loving woman.
> Serve him cold food once in a while he will still eat.
> To make a Husband happy...a women has to do so little. Honestly speaking. All she needs is to be available sexually. A sexually satisfied man will do anything and everything for his wife...what’s more he will do it with a smile.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Do you find this to be true with your husband? Do you think that it’s really this easy to make most men happy? Or is your personal experience different?
> 
> If all you did in your marriage was wild monkey sex when he wanted it and cooked meals, would your husband be completely happy and not expect anything else from you? Would he do everything for you with a smile?
> 
> Or have you found that even with lots of wild monkey sex and serving him hot cooked meals, your husband still has more needs for you to fill? If so, what are these needs? Does he get unhappy if you do not meet these other needs?
> 
> If your husband expects that you meet needs for him other than lots of hot sex and to serve him hot cooked meals, what do you think is the underlying issue? Is it because he’s hormonal, has psychological issues or is a cheater by nature? What is the character flaw that is the under lying reason that he’s not satisfied with only lots of sex and cooked meals? {Is there a character flaw?}


Elegirl...you've been around here long enough to know that there are an awful lot of men that would disagree with this  a lot of those men are having problems in their marriage because their wives seem to hold to such outdated stereotypes. And there are a lot of women having problems because their husbands won't have sex with them...

About the sex part...yeah, having lot's of physically enthusiastic sex is a good thing but only part of it. For a lot of men, sex fills the need to be desired, but just because a woman has enthusiastic sex with him doesn't necessarily translate into him feeling desired.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScarletBegonias

EleGirl said:


> The sentiment below is often touted on TAM as an absolute truth for marriage.
> 
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> All that a man really needs is hot food and a loving woman.
> Serve him cold food once in a while he will still eat.
> To make a Husband happy...a women has to do so little. Honestly speaking. All she needs is to be available sexually. A sexually satisfied man will do anything and everything for his wife...what’s more he will do it with a smile.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I know it's usually said in jest but it still rubs me wrong when men and women dumb down men like this. 



EleGirl said:


> Do you find this to be true with your husband? Do you think that it’s really this easy to make most men happy? Or is your personal experience different?


My experience has been different. My DH needs so much more than food and sex. He loves that I take care of him that way. He also needs time,affection,smiles,an activity partner,enthusiasm,a shoulder to lean on,and someone who understands how he thinks and feels. If it was just food and sex anyone could make him happy but no one else has except for me 


EleGirl said:


> If all you did in your marriage was wild monkey sex when he wanted it and cooked meals, would your husband be completely happy and not expect anything else from you? Would he do everything for you with a smile?


No.He would be miserable bc he would feel we weren't connected. 


EleGirl said:


> Or have you found that even with lots of wild monkey sex and serving him hot cooked meals, your husband still has more needs for you to fill? If so, what are these needs? Does he get unhappy if you do not meet these other needs?


 He definitely has other needs like I said above.
-my time
-my attention...WITHOUT my cell phone in my hand.He wants REAL attention.
-interaction...he doesn't want to always just sit and watch tv.He wants to take walks,he wants to play games together,he wants to go to the driving range,etc. I want all those things too so I enjoy meeting those needs. 
-verbalization of my feelings and a LOT of affection. It's not enough that he just knows I love him. He enjoys hearing compliments from me and needs my hugs.
-a shoulder to lean on...he is often misunderstood by people in his life bc he's kind of odd in his ways.He's a little more soft emotionally than the men he knows. He needs a safe place to land and I'm that place. 

He gets VERY unhappy if I don't meet those needs.He will straight up tell me when I'm slacking off. It's nice actually.I always know where I stand. 


EleGirl said:


> If your husband expects that you meet needs for him other than lots of hot sex and to serve him hot cooked meals, what do you think is the underlying issue? Is it because he’s hormonal, has psychological issues or is a cheater by nature? What is the character flaw that is the under lying reason that he’s not satisfied with only lots of sex and cooked meals? {Is there a character flaw?}


lol his underlying issue? There isn't one. He loves me and wants to surround himself in that love. I can't say I blame him for that because I feel the same about him. 

There is no character flaw IMO.

I think for me,having MY husband happy is easy bc his needs are very similar to my own needs. He struggles a bit on remembering to voice words of affirmation but he's getting better. We went through a very rocky period where we weren't meshing bc we didn't understand each other.But that's all over and we get it now.


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## EleGirl

samyeagar said:


> Elegirl...you've been around here long enough to know that there are an awful lot of men that would disagree with this  a lot of those men are having problems in their marriage because their wives seem to hold to such outdated stereotypes. And there are a lot of women having problems because their husbands won't have sex with them...
> 
> About the sex part...yeah, having lot's of physically enthusiastic sex is a good thing but only part of it. For a lot of men, sex fills the need to be desired, but just because a woman has enthusiastic sex with him doesn't necessarily translate into him feeling desired.


I know, that's why I posted this thread... to get those who actually think it's that simple to have some things to think about.


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## Cosmos

When I was married many years ago, I cooked my ex-H the most amazing meals, prepared nutritious packed lunches for him, took good care of myself, our son and our home and was always rampant for physical intimacy. My marriage was sexless...

My SO requires a lot more than any of those things to keep him happy. He requires the company of a mate who respects and loves him, is his intellectual equal, shares some of his interests and with whom he shares a close emotional connection. The other things (which I gladly provide) are just added bonuses for him.


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## RandomDude

chillymorn said:


> I don't know about that. might be a problem I would enjoy having at least for a while. But I'm a hd guy.
> 
> If she was generous with the sexual things I like and not a pillow queen expecting to just be serviced and not reciprocate then it would get very old very fast.


It was fun for a while, until it became a routine chore.

But to tell you the truth, after almost 1.5 years seperated and having to go from FWB to FWB for sex - I have to say nowadays it is a problem that I wouldn't mind having again for a short period of time.

Ex was generous, was open to anything except group-sex, but at the same time there were consequences for poor performance and/or (especially) turning her down.



EleGirl said:


> Yes I do know this.
> 
> Problems can also happen when both are high drive but the husband feels that his other needs are not being met (reasonable or unreasonable needs), or things are not going well for him (e.g. he lost his job. These things can cause a lot of issues that all the sex and hot meals are not enough.


Is space in your opinion considered a reasonable need?



EleGirl said:


> Well let's face it, your wife is a very unusual case.


Aye, guess I learnt nymphomania + religion + spoiled princess don't go very well together once the knot is tied, but it's not entirely her fault either - I did bring out the worst in her.

Admitedly she did improve dramatically towards the end but the damage had already been done hence there was no saving our marriage. We are still a team with co-parenting however, and keep our personal lives from each other and our daughter.


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## Caribbean Man

EleGirl said:


> I know, that's why I posted this thread... to get those who actually think it's that simple to have some things to think about.


It _is_ that simple,

With a man that's compatible with you and the right attitude.

I am a living testimony of that, as well as quite a few other men here.

Nothing beats a good fit.[ compatibility.]


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## EleGirl

RandomDude said:


> Is space in your opinion considered a reasonable need?


Yes it is. 

IMHO... a couple needs to spend time together. I like the 15 hours a week thing because it give something to measure against. Then after that you should be able to have all the space you want.


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## EleGirl

Caribbean Man said:


> It _is_ that simple,
> 
> With a man that's compatible with you and the right attitude.
> 
> I am a living testimony of that, as well as quite a few other men here.
> 
> Nothing beats a good fit.[ compatibility.]


You would be ok and remain happy if she did not spend time with you, or gives you emotional support in other ways, or does the things she does like perhaps housework, job, etc?


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## samyeagar

EleGirl said:


> Yes it is.
> 
> IMHO... a couple needs to spend time together. I like the 15 hours a week thing because it give something to measure against. Then after that you should be able to have all the space you want.


It might appear to be that simple when things are working right, but under the surface it's it's not. If the couple is truly on the same page, meeting eachother's needs, they may not even realize those needs are there until...they aren't being met, and then it becomes work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude

EleGirl said:


> Yes it is.
> 
> IMHO... a couple needs to spend time together. I like the 15 hours a week thing because it give something to measure against. Then after that you should be able to have all the space you want.


We spent too much time together I guess, mostly having sex

Ironically it did not bring us closer together


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## EleGirl

RandomDude said:


> We spent too much time together I guess, mostly having sex
> 
> Ironically it did not bring us closer together


I can see where that happened. People do need time apart.. time alone or time with other friends.


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## love=pain

EleGirl said:


> The sentiment below is often touted on TAM as an absolute truth for marriage.
> 
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> All that a man really needs is hot food and a loving woman.
> Serve him cold food once in a while he will still eat.
> To make a Husband happy...a women has to do so little. Honestly speaking. All she needs is to be available sexually. A sexually satisfied man will do anything and everything for his wife...what’s more he will do it with a smile.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Do you find this to be true with your husband? Do you think that it’s really this easy to make most men happy? Or is your personal experience different?
> 
> If all you did in your marriage was wild monkey sex when he wanted it and cooked meals, would your husband be completely happy and not expect anything else from you? Would he do everything for you with a smile?
> 
> Or have you found that even with lots of wild monkey sex and serving him hot cooked meals, your husband still has more needs for you to fill? If so, what are these needs? Does he get unhappy if you do not meet these other needs?
> 
> If your husband expects that you meet needs for him other than lots of hot sex and to serve him hot cooked meals, what do you think is the underlying issue? Is it because he’s hormonal, has psychological issues or is a cheater by nature? What is the character flaw that is the under lying reason that he’s not satisfied with only lots of sex and cooked meals? {Is there a character flaw?}


Well I cook most of the meals so I guess she is falling short of feeding me, besides if I eat too much I get sleepy so there would be no time for the monkey sex.
Sorry for stepping into your domain ladies just poking around.


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## EleGirl

love=pain said:


> Well I cook most of the meals so I guess she is falling short of feeding me, besides if I eat too much I get sleepy so there would be no time for the monkey sex.
> Sorry for stepping into your domain ladies just poking around.


No reason to apologize. We don't bite over here.. at least no usually


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## Caribbean Man

EleGirl said:


> You would be ok and remain happy if she did not spend time with you, or gives you emotional support in other ways, or does the things she does like perhaps housework, job, etc?


Everything comes in one uniquely wrapped package, Ele.

When we start separating stuff into parts, then it begins to get complex, at least that's how it works for me.

When we have emotionally charged lovemaking and passionate sex , it translates into emotional support in many other areas without her even having to make an extra effort.

We share household chores all the time, whether or not we have sex or the type of sex we have isn't dependent on that. We view it as our house so we have to maintain it because we live here. It is ours. We both cook, I'm sitting at home typing this whilst doing the laundry. She's in the kitchen making breakfast. Last evening i put the peas in the slow cooker to cook before bedtime. This morning I rose early before her and cooked it.

That is how we roll.
We have a great fit , no resentments.


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## love=pain

EleGirl said:


> The sentiment below is often touted on TAM as an absolute truth for marriage.
> 
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> All that a man really needs is hot food and a loving woman.
> Serve him cold food once in a while he will still eat.
> To make a Husband happy...a women has to do so little. Honestly speaking. All she needs is to be available sexually. A sexually satisfied man will do anything and everything for his wife...what’s more he will do it with a smile.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Do you find this to be true with your husband? Do you think that it’s really this easy to make most men happy? Or is your personal experience different?
> 
> If all you did in your marriage was wild monkey sex when he wanted it and cooked meals, would your husband be completely happy and not expect anything else from you? Would he do everything for you with a smile?
> 
> Or have you found that even with lots of wild monkey sex and serving him hot cooked meals, your husband still has more needs for you to fill? If so, what are these needs? Does he get unhappy if you do not meet these other needs?
> 
> If your husband expects that you meet needs for him other than lots of hot sex and to serve him hot cooked meals, what do you think is the underlying issue? Is it because he’s hormonal, has psychological issues or is a cheater by nature? What is the character flaw that is the under lying reason that he’s not satisfied with only lots of sex and cooked meals? {Is there a character flaw?}


We seem to all have forgotten about Steak & BJ day


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## ScarletBegonias

I love the splitting chores dynamic That has to be in my top 10 favorite things about my marriage. It has such a great flow and works out so nicely. It leaves zero room for resentments.


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## DoF

I don't agree with it.

I need more than just a hot meal and sex.

Companionship is probably up there on the list. Affection......compromise amongst many other things.

It's really a combination of things in small percentages on my end vs 2 things and that's it.

And no, it's not SIMPLE. Men are as complex of a creature as women.


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## LongWalk

Nice if she picks up sushi from time to time.


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## Code-Welder

EleGirl said:


> Do you find this to be true with your husband? Do you think that it’s really this easy to make most men happy? Or is your personal experience different?


The simple answer is NO, men need more in a relationship than sex and food. My wife was my best friend, intellectual, enjoyed similar things I enjoyed. I also enjoyed things she liked. The catalyst of sex, food etc helps build the relationship and bonding both need. Sex and food it will not sustain a marriage. 

Would a woman be happy if she had regular sex, lots of material things, house keeper, nice car perfect house. Comfort in having a husband with a good income for security feelings. Would that be all she needs to be happy in her marriage?


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## Rowan

My husband was not the type who was made happy with just lots of sex and good meals. Then again, I don't think it's possible for him to be happy for long no matter what. He completely lacks the knack for contentment, has a very high need for novelty, and is incredibly self-centered.

He got married to have a wife. A wife is apparently some sort of home appliance that magically takes care of all of the housework, childcare, social and family obligations, presents a beautiful appearance for family and friends, acts as an immaculate and gracious hostess, works full-time at a prestigious and well-paid profession, and takes care of all of your sexual needs - and all with absolutely no input from you. Like a dishwasher. Once you've done your research to pick out one you like and bought it, you expect to install it in your home and have it function as intended. You don't want to have to fiddle with it, work on it, or even think about it again. Having to pay attention to it just pisses you off. You did this thing a favor by bringing it home, you shouldn't have to do anything else to get it to function properly! It's just supposed to work!

Essentially, no amount of food or sex - or anything, or _everything_, else - was going to incite him to be giving. All of the energy in the relationship had to flow toward him. He expected to be paid handsomely anytime he did even the most mundane of tasks or made the most trivial of gestures. He resented, not just having to meet any of my needs, but the mere fact that I had any needs of my own in the first place. And yes, he has some serious character flaws. He's also handsome, charming, incredibly manipulative, and is often touted as the greatest/nicest/most wonderful guy people know.  

So, yes, there are assuredly some men who are happy with hot sex and hot meals, and will give and give to their wives in return. These are typically people in compatible relationships where both parties understand give and take. They're happy because all of the other needs they have but don't really think about are being met in addition to sex and food. There are also assuredly some men who will not give at all no matter what. It's impossible to have a compatible relationship with anyone who is all take and minimal-to-no give.


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## EleGirl

Caribbean Man said:


> Everything comes in one uniquely wrapped package, Ele.
> 
> When we start separating stuff into parts, then it begins to get complex, at least that's how it works for me.
> 
> When we have emotionally charged lovemaking and passionate sex , it translates into emotional support in many other areas without her even having to make an extra effort.
> 
> We share household chores all the time, whether or not we have sex or the type of sex we have isn't dependent on that. We view it as our house so we have to maintain it because we live here. It is ours. We both cook, I'm sitting at home typing this whilst doing the laundry. She's in the kitchen making breakfast. Last evening i put the peas in the slow cooker to cook before bedtime. This morning I rose early before her and cooked it.
> 
> That is how we roll.
> We have a great fit , no resentments.


I understand what you are saying.

And actually you are saying a lot of what my point is... it's not just sex and meals. There is a lot more to a relationship than that.

I have no doubt that if your wife stopped doing the things that you listed here but continued the sex, your happiness meter would show a significant decline.


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## Cosmos

ScarletBegonias said:


> I love the splitting chores dynamic That has to be in my top 10 favorite things about my marriage. It has such a great flow and works out so nicely. It leaves zero room for resentments.


No resentments here, either. SO and I have never even thought to discuss chores. We just both do them so that we have a clean and pleasant environment in which to get on with the important stuff!


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## Married but Happy

If the great sex were missing, nothing else would matter much, really. Sure, lack of other things would be annoying, but since we'd be no better than roommates, I'd just find a new relationship.

However, given that great sex is standard, there is a LOT more that I need to be happy. I want a real partner. I want someone who has similar values and goals. I want someone who is curious and open-minded, and able to have deep conversations on a variety of topics from politics to physics. Hot meals (or any culinary skills) are nice but irrelevant - I can fend for myself. There is so much more that I also want in someone who is truly compatible, but if the sex is lacking I've got a great friend at best, but not a romantic relationship.


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## ScarletBegonias

Cosmos said:


> No resentments here, either. SO and I have never even thought to discuss chores. We just both do them so that we have a clean and pleasant environment in which to get on with the important stuff!


Isn't it great? I'm in love with our routine even if I really hate cleaning and laundry and yard work. On Sunday mornings we just kinda lay about in bed trying to pep talk each other into getting started on our chores LOL Then usually I'll get up and make coffee and let the dogs out then we'll sit on the deck  Eventually we get around to getting our act together


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## C3156

EleGirl said:


> The sentiment below is often touted on TAM as an absolute truth for marriage.
> 
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> All that a man really needs is hot food and a loving woman.
> Serve him cold food once in a while he will still eat.
> To make a Husband happy...a women has to do so little. Honestly speaking. All she needs is to be available sexually. A sexually satisfied man will do anything and everything for his wife...what’s more he will do it with a smile.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Coming from a guy that would be considered an un-happy husband, I would say that sex and a nice meal (that I didn't cook) would be nice. As that all I need to be happy? No.

I did find this article recently that makes a few interesting points from un-happy husbands. I would have to agree with some of them. More than just sex and food.

What Makes a Marriage Unhappy - How to Repair a Marriage - Redbook


----------



## EleGirl

Lila said:


> I emailed hubby the questions that Ele posed and here's his reply.
> 
> "There is some truth to that, but there are other things that are needed. Men who say this probably have wives who don't like to have sex very often. It does not hold for me. Regular sex and hot meals will make me happy, but you are also my best friend, so there are other things. I look for companionship, moral support, and also affection (not necessarily sexual). Any man says that they only need food and sex does not love his wife and does not see her with any real value as a person.
> 
> ":smthumbup: :smthumbup:


Ah... that's sweet. :smthumbup:


----------



## unbelievable

"Belly full, testicles empty" describes a female mindset and not actual acts. It describes a woman who attends to her husband's physical, sexual, and nurturing needs. It describes a woman who understands and accepts that her husband needs his wife to tend to HIM occasionally and not just the house, not just the kids, not just her outside employment. A woman who subscribes to my "belly full, testicles empty" theory values her husband and she believes it's her duty and privilege to tend to make him a priority, maybe not all the time, but regularly. Give your man what HE wants, not what you think he wants or what you think he needs or what you think he should have. 
Similarly, a wife should be her husband's priority. If she feels like she's his priority, she is. If she doesn't feel like she's his priority, it doesn't matter how many hours he works, how big her house is, how many chores he does.


----------



## greenpearl

EleGirl said:


> The sentiment below is often touted on TAM as an absolute truth for marriage.
> 
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> All that a man really needs is hot food and a loving woman.
> Serve him cold food once in a while he will still eat.
> To make a Husband happy...a women has to do so little. Honestly speaking. All she needs is to be available sexually. A sexually satisfied man will do anything and everything for his wife...what’s more he will do it with a smile.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Do you find this to be true with your husband? Do you think that it’s really this easy to make most men happy? Or is your personal experience different?
> 
> If all you did in your marriage was wild monkey sex when he wanted it and cooked meals, would your husband be completely happy and not expect anything else from you? Would he do everything for you with a smile?
> 
> Or have you found that even with lots of wild monkey sex and serving him hot cooked meals, your husband still has more needs for you to fill? If so, what are these needs? Does he get unhappy if you do not meet these other needs?
> 
> If your husband expects that you meet needs for him other than lots of hot sex and to serve him hot cooked meals, what do you think is the underlying issue? Is it because he’s hormonal, has psychological issues or is a cheater by nature? What is the character flaw that is the under lying reason that he’s not satisfied with only lots of sex and cooked meals? {Is there a character flaw?}


My husband isn't HD, but I am HD. So sexualy he is quite satisfied. He can have sex with me whenever he wants to. 

We eat at home almost every meal now. I cook what my husband likes to eat, and that makes him very happy. When it is rainy, and I still go out to buy groceries. Because I want to cook what he likes to eat. This kind of small things really show him how much I love him, and he really appreciates my effort. He knows that he has a wife who loves and cares about him a lot. 

But I don't think this is enough to make a man happy or to have a marriage successful. 

My husband and I also have very good conversation together. We talk about a lot of things, life, human nature, economy, politics, etc. We enjoy each other's company. 

We also have the same opinion about finance. We both agree on living a simple life now, and saving for our old age. Financially both of us are responsible people. We don't fight about money.

We are both trying hard to stay in shape. Because we both like each other to be sexy looking. 

My husband grew up in a religious home, so he has strong self-control ability. He likes kinky sex, but he always respects my wishes. He also realizes what he has is very special, he doesn't want to do anything silly to lose it. And I know clearly what we have is special, I don't want to do anything stupid to lose it. We have a common goal, and it is to have a long lasting happy marriage. 

But life is challenging, and running a successful marriage is challenging. So even though what we have now is pretty good, I don't dare to take it for granted.


----------



## TheCuriousWife

RandomDude said:


> When the male has LD and the woman has HD there's still problems.


:iagree:

THIS is truth.

So to answer your question Elegirl. *NO,* being available for sex, and being a good cook is not enough to make a husband happy. At least not _my_ husband.


----------



## John Lee

I would much rather come home to a messy house but have a good meal and sex than the other way around. And I agree with the above poster who said that it's partly just that these things make you feel like she wants to make you happy, which actually does make me happy.


----------



## janesmith

forgive me if i am covering something already said. I read only about the first two posts of this and was disturbed that any woman may believe the following


*[If your husband expects that you meet needs for him other than lots of hot sex and to serve him hot cooked meals, what do you think is the underlying issue? Is it because he’s hormonal, has psychological issues or is a cheater by nature? What is the character flaw that is the under lying reason that he’s not satisfied with only lots of sex and cooked meals? {Is there a character flaw?}
/B]

I have been married to my husband for 20 years. he is just as gloriously complicated as any other human being. Shame on any man who allows a woman to believe such is harmful. It negates you to three little boxes, sex, food, blowjobs. How dehumanizing. My dude has fears, things I would never think to fear because I am not a man. How he manages the world is different than mine because we are not the same gender. Trying to understand his point of view will help you appreciate his experiences. Things like being dismissive skill love.

How he manages his personal life, work and friendships is done so he can get a need met and to meet a need. Why on earth would we think a man can be reduced to just three descriptors when you need thousands. He has needs for love, comfort, understanding, honesty, appreciation, adventure, challenges, being humbled, being exulted, be the student, be the teacher, sexual variety and a wife can provide that, recognition and acknowledgment, he needs to win and to lose, give and take, built and distroy. I could go on but you get my point. 

if you as a wife reduces you husband to carnal needs you dont even know who he is. he needs more than a full belly and an orgasm.*


----------



## unbelievable

It's not the food that makes me feel nurtured. It's knowing she thought about my needs and cared enough to take a few minutes to do something nice for me. I can make my own sandwich but I can't make myself feel nurtured.


----------



## EleGirl

janesmith said:


> if you as a wife reduces you husband to carnal needs you dont even know who he is. he needs more than a full belly and an orgasm.


I agree with this.

I started this thread because there were men who were saying that I posted. I disagree with them and wanted to see what others said about it.


----------



## Faithful Wife

My husband wouldn't be happy or satisfied with your original list, Ele. Not even close. 

He requires a huge amount of emotional intimacy, companionship, interesting conversation and many other things from me.

He loves me for my big personality and my intelligence, and he wouldn't be happy with a woman who had less than I have in those areas.

I also have several personal interests and hobbies. They are things that fascinate him and make him respect me and my choices. If my hobby was knitting and I didn't do much outside of the home, he would not be as attracted to me.

I have close relationships with several family members and long term friends. He respects and loves them all. If my friends were not people he could love and respect too, he would not be as attracted to me. (In other words, if I chose to hang out with friends who were drifters, alcoholics, etc, he wouldn't be that into me due to what it would say about me.)

If I was *just* a good and attentive lover, this wouldn't be enough for him. He requires quite a lot of ... um.....well lets just say adventure in the bedroom.

Being able to be supportive of him in the ways he needs is not simple. He does not have simple needs, he is very complex. He keeps me on my toes, that is for sure. Of course he would say the same about me.


----------



## MaritimeGuy

EleGirl said:


> The sentiment below is often touted on TAM as an absolute truth for marriage.
> 
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> All that a man really needs is hot food and a loving woman.
> Serve him cold food once in a while he will still eat.
> To make a Husband happy...a women has to do so little. Honestly speaking. All she needs is to be available sexually. A sexually satisfied man will do anything and everything for his wife...what’s more he will do it with a smile.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Do you find this to be true with your husband? Do you think that it’s really this easy to make most men happy? Or is your personal experience different?
> 
> If all you did in your marriage was wild monkey sex when he wanted it and cooked meals, would your husband be completely happy and not expect anything else from you? Would he do everything for you with a smile?
> 
> Or have you found that even with lots of wild monkey sex and serving him hot cooked meals, your husband still has more needs for you to fill? If so, what are these needs? Does he get unhappy if you do not meet these other needs?
> 
> If your husband expects that you meet needs for him other than lots of hot sex and to serve him hot cooked meals, what do you think is the underlying issue? Is it because he’s hormonal, has psychological issues or is a cheater by nature? What is the character flaw that is the under lying reason that he’s not satisfied with only lots of sex and cooked meals? {Is there a character flaw?}


Isn't that what mistresses are for?


----------



## committed4ever

I have never put this to the test but I know my H enough to know this would not be enough for him. He needs touch outside of sex, affection, appreciation. Unlike what I have learned is common with most men, he wears his emotions on his sleeve. He is not an overly emotional man, but he does not hide his feelings either. He expresses how things feel to him (especilaly sexual things) and he expects me to express myself too. (if I don't he will ask) We both have touch as our love language and we both love to touch and be touched. 

I am a SAHM, so I actually do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry. I look at that as my daytime job just like he goes out to a daytime job. I am really into being highly organized so I can get things done before he gets home so I don't really need his help in that area. He does all the outside work, maintenance, everything relating to our cars, etc. so I think that's enough on him along with going to a job every day.

He needs me to do things with him that he is into, to discuss where we are going as a family. He has a close knit group of guy friends, but he likes me to do "guy" things with him sometimes. 

So no, while he loves to eat, loves my cooking, loves sex and always compliments me and show his appreciation I think sex is an emotional expression of how we relate to each other as a whole.


----------



## southbound

EleGirl said:


> The sentiment below is often touted on TAM as an absolute truth for marriage.
> 
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> All that a man really needs is hot food and a loving woman.
> Serve him cold food once in a while he will still eat.
> To make a Husband happy...a women has to do so little. Honestly speaking. All she needs is to be available sexually. A sexually satisfied man will do anything and everything for his wife...what’s more he will do it with a smile.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Do you find this to be true with your husband? Do you think that it’s really this easy to make most men happy? Or is your personal experience different?
> 
> If all you did in your marriage was wild monkey sex when he wanted it and cooked meals, would your husband be completely happy and not expect anything else from you? Would he do everything for you with a smile?
> 
> Or have you found that even with lots of wild monkey sex and serving him hot cooked meals, your husband still has more needs for you to fill? If so, what are these needs? Does he get unhappy if you do not meet these other needs?
> 
> If your husband expects that you meet needs for him other than lots of hot sex and to serve him hot cooked meals, what do you think is the underlying issue? Is it because he’s hormonal, has psychological issues or is a cheater by nature? What is the character flaw that is the under lying reason that he’s not satisfied with only lots of sex and cooked meals? {Is there a character flaw?}


I'm a divorced man, and for me, the sex would have even cancelled out the meals.

I suppose that is making a few assumptions. When I think of something like this, I always think of a woman with a sweet personality, but just isn't into doing a lot, like a Jennifer Aniston who likes watching soaps a lot. I don't like to be nagged and fussed on about something all the time, but I wouldn't care if my significant other liked the sofa a little more than she liked cooking and other jobs if the sex was good and often.


----------



## NobodySpecial

lila said:


> i emailed hubby the questions that ele posed and here's his reply.
> 
> "there is some truth to that, but there are other things that are needed. Men who say this probably have wives who don't like to have sex very often. It does not hold for me. Regular sex and hot meals will make me happy, but you are also my best friend, so there are other things. I look for companionship, moral support, and also affection (not necessarily sexual). Any man says that they only need food and sex does not love his wife and does not see her with any real value as a person.
> 
> ":smthumbup: :smthumbup:


awesome!


----------



## FrenchFry

For whatever reason, this one one of the first pieces of advice I listened to when I first came to TAM. I think it was because it seemed really easy to do and I was really looking forward to a simple marriage.

Yeah. No. Epic fail and I should have known better--people are rarely reduced to idioms. Somehow, I made my husband more unhappy (because turns out he doesn't like duty sex no matter how enthusiastically given) and while I am a great cook *pat on back* if you are eating alone or in silence, it's kind of an awkward meal.

He was the one who came to me after a few weeks of this behavior and told me the Stepford act was getting a little painful. It took a while to resume the relationship that I really desire--I want him as a best friend and a lover which means emotional intimacy, sharing our passions with each other and so much more than hot meals and sex. 

Too bad, my life could have been way easier. (JK)


----------



## Tmj4477

I think men are as emotional as women but try to hide it under masculinity, ego, and logic. Therefore, in my experience men are very high maintenance


----------



## skype

People tend to focus on what they don't have, so the men who do not have good, plentiful sex and tasty food complain about this, but I think that if you questioned them further, they would say these needs are the base of the pyramid of what they want out of marriage.

They have secondary needs, such as companionship, admiration, respect, financial prudence, and compatible goals in life.

However, a good sex life can make petty resentments melt away, and make the many compromises of married life palatable. I think that many men get married primarily for reliable sex, and when that is missing, they feel cheated and resentful. It does not, however, mean that sex is their only need in a marriage. Just the primary and deepest one.


----------



## anotherguy

EleGirl said:


> The sentiment below is often touted on TAM as an absolute truth for marriage.
> 
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> All that a man really needs is hot food and a loving woman.
> Serve him cold food once in a while he will still eat.
> To make a Husband happy...a women has to do so little. Honestly speaking. All she needs is to be available sexually. A sexually satisfied man will do anything and everything for his wife...what’s more he will do it with a smile.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------



...I'm in the wrong forum... but I dont buy any of that. I mean any of it.


----------



## darkwing

Well, it depends on what the man wants. For me, sex is very important. 

For other, like my friend's husband, sex is less important to him, but making my friend (his wife) small is a priority.


----------



## doubletrouble

Ele, those aren't enough. 

I want a 50-50 life partner who is horny, heterosexual, and makes love to me without even having to have sex. But does have wild, monkey sex with me  In other words, shows me love all day long and I will do anything for her. 

Almost anything.


----------



## doubletrouble

Ele, what if I could eat the food off my wife? That would kill two birds with one stone, right?



Sorry, I've been spending too much time reading the hairdresser thread.


----------



## anotherguy

like sushi?










(sorry. Didnt intend to hijack the thread. _exit, stage left..._)


----------



## WadeWilson

For me, it's way more complicated than just food and sex... There's a lot of things that must be met, one being communication and I'm a huge talker... But I will say its building blocks and glue for me... If in the beginning food and sex were lacking (more in the sex department) I wouldn't take the time to know if anything else were good... To the same as being glue if sex stopped or lessened dramatically, the bond would rapidly deteriorate... Food is just dependent on other factors...


----------



## EleGirl

doubletrouble said:


> Ele, what if I could eat the food off my wife? That would kill two birds with one stone, right?
> 
> 
> 
> Sorry, I've been spending too much time reading the hairdresser thread.


:rofl:


----------



## Fozzy

I'm the better cook, and I don't mind doing that on most occasions. I've NEVER EVER asked my wife to clean up after me. Admittedly she does it better than I do, but it's not anything I'd ever expect of her.

Monkey sex would be nice.

What stands out to me as missing on the list--respect....empathy....fun......

Distilling it down to food and sex just doesn't work.


----------



## Cosmos

I asked my SO what are the things that make him happy in our relationship, and he didn't even mention sex and regular meals. Sure it wouldn't make him happy if those things weren't there, but they didn't even feature on his happy list.

I think if all I was able to bring to the relationship was regular meals and sex I would be history!


----------



## over20

unbelievable said:


> "Belly full, testicles empty" describes a female mindset and not actual acts. It describes a woman who attends to her husband's physical, sexual, and nurturing needs. It describes a woman who understands and accepts that her husband needs his wife to tend to HIM occasionally and not just the house, not just the kids, not just her outside employment. A woman who subscribes to my "belly full, testicles empty" theory values her husband and she believes it's her duty and privilege to tend to make him a priority, maybe not all the time, but regularly. Give your man what HE wants, not what you think he wants or what you think he needs or what you think he should have.
> Similarly, a wife should be her husband's priority. If she feels like she's his priority, she is. If she doesn't feel like she's his priority, it doesn't matter how many hours he works, how big her house is, how many chores he does.


Well written Unbe.


----------



## scatty

Oh yes, different strokes for different folks. My man has a disabilty that prevents a lot of sex. We like to do things together- mini golf, concerts, amusements parks and stuff like that. We are both reliving our youth.

As for cooking, may man knows better than to let me near a stove. He was a chef by trade, so he like to cook. I just got food poisoning by making my own egg sandwich (so we agree on that.)

He also likes a clean house, so I do everything related to that. 

I guess everyone has (or hopes they have) what works for them!


----------



## Happyfamily

OP is the logical fallacy of conflating a _necessary_ condition with a _sufficient_ condition. 

Example 1: all fish need is food and an aerated tank.

But don't fish need _water_ too? 

Example 2: All men need is hot food and sex.

If so, then hire him a chef and hookers. Leave with the kids.


----------



## EleGirl

Happyfamily said:


> OP is the logical fallacy of conflating a _necessary_ condition with a _sufficient_ condition.
> 
> Example 1: all fish need is food and an aerated tank.
> 
> But don't fish need _water_ too?
> 
> Example 2: All men need is hot food and sex.
> 
> If so, then hire him a chef and hookers. Leave with the kids.


I agree. 

But this is something that men often say. So I started this thread to see what others have to say bout it.


----------



## 1971

Happy Husband !!!! 

I've bend over backwards to do nice things for my husband over the years and yes he is a nice guy but he never goes out of his way for me

Romance, he doesn't even know what it is and won't try.

Sex, isn't interested and won't try.

What about Happy Wife ?

F**k Happy Husband.


----------



## greenpearl

Human beings are interesting. They usually focus on what they don't have. And they take what they have for granted. 

If a man doesn't get his sexual desire met, then he will complain all day that his sexual desire isn't met. When he has enough sex from his partner, then he will notice that his partner doesn't cook for him. When both of these are satisfied, then he will notice that his partner is not interesting enough. This list can go on and on. 

For women, the problem is the same. They can always find something lacking from their husbands. 

When we think positively, and focus on what we have, we will feel that we are really blessed. When we are content with what we have, we are happy.


----------



## Happyfamily

EleGirl said:


> I agree.
> 
> But this is something that men often say. So I started this thread to see what others have to say bout it.


It would be interesting then to hear from the men who actually say it. 

My husband is just about that simple in terms of priorities, sure. But out of a loving wife. At least most of the time. A hall pass is certainly going to interest him occasionally too.


----------



## imtamnew

Well I am learning a lot on this thread. Thanks elegirl
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl

im_tam said:


> Well I am learning a lot on this thread. Thanks elegirl


Thanks for the inspiration


----------



## Trickster

I don't believe I want food on the table and monkey sex all the time....

I do know that when we have non duty sex, when my wife really enjoys it, a messy house doesn't bother me at all. With good sex, I would be fine with Mac and cheese every night. 

I think good, mutually satisfying sex makes for a happier marriage...without it, all the little issues become amplified.


----------



## harrybrown

The sex and the food are great, but there are a couple of other things that do matter.

Respect for each other is important. I would also like fidelity in my marriage from both spouses.

And sometimes having the same financial goals is nice.

I also like working together with relationships with the kids and the grandkids. 

But i am trying to see if I can be a better me, and maybe if she does it as well, we might make it a few more years. It will be 40 years this summer. (married, but the last 3 to 4 years have been a struggle)


----------



## jld

Dh loves me and enjoys sex with me. He expects to have it regularly. 

But he is not picky about it. We were both surprised to read that there are men who turn it down if it is not up to a certain standard. We were surprised there were men who turn it down, period. 

Really getting an education here on TAM.


----------



## BostonBruins32

Sex with some regularity and a thank you or some form of appreciation. <-- not a thank you for the sex but just appreciation of my efforts for little things (going extra mile in career, nice random things like running to get ice cream later at night, acknowledgement that ive gotten in even better shape, appreciation for taking care of B3 while she gets to sleep in on weekends)

These fundemental two things would solve quite a bit of basic needs. its not all encompassing, but these two things would make my efforts feel very worth it. 

Otherwise I just feel like the bill paying housemate.


----------



## CharlieParker

jld said:


> Dh loves me and enjoys sex with me. He expects to have it regularly.
> 
> But he is not picky about it.


Yes, that's us too. We have 2 sayings, "be pragmatic not dogmatic" and "it's not like we're not going to have sex". 

I've struggled with the fact her drive and orgasm ability has changed but I'm learning that's on me, not her. But, yes, regular sex keeps me basically happy, easy.


----------



## the2ofus

Maybe for those saying it, it is true! Maybe those are their biggest needs. Maybe they don't realize that's not true for everyone. Each person in a couple has to learn what their spouse needs, not what someone else's spouse needs.

The other point that hit me is the unhappiness of a husband doesn't always have something to do with his wife, and him being unhappy is not necessarily a flaw it's just life. For instance when my husband was low T he was irritable (unhappy) but there was nothing I could do about it. But with my support and help he did figure it out. So though my love and support helped him find an answer it was not my fault he was unhappy cause he wasn't unhappy with me it just felt like it!

Now for me personally, give me good passionate sex and I'm happy. But I don't believe passionate sex can happen without a deeper connection and respect.


----------



## jld

the2ofus said:


> But I don't believe passionate sex can happen without a deeper connection and respect.


:iagree:

Someone probably already said it, but good sex and good meals maybe the result of the foundation: emotional intimacy, respect, trust, love, commitment, etc, rather than part of the foundation itself. 

We probably don't realize we are doing all those things if we are with someone we are naturally compatible with. We just see the sex and meals, and it looks simple.

But for people with compatibility issues, especially if they develop a while into the marriage, it surely would be much more complicated.


----------



## the2ofus

Agreed jld! I think my husband and I have all the other components, so give me sex and I'm happy does get to be a joke around here! We call it resetting my buttons!


----------



## Anon Pink

EleGirl said:


> From what you wrote here it does to sound like it's true for you.
> 
> He's happy, thinks everything is ok, but he's not doing everything for you with a smile (meaning he's not meeting your needs with a smile). That's the important second half of the claim being made.
> 
> If you stopped doing everything but sex and meals. How happy do you think your husband will be? If he had to do all the other things that you do... with a smile... would he still be happy with you only providing sex and meals?


He would probably be okay for quite a while! If I don't make a dinner a few nights in a row, he gets rather withdrawn and starts making snippy comments. Of course, this doesn't mean he would pick up the slack. He would allow the house to disintegrate.

Laundry! He would be upset if I stopped doing laundry. Sex, food and laundry and he'd be content, not thrilled but content.


----------



## jld

AP, what do you think about what I said above, in relation to your husband? It looks like he only cares about laundry, sex, and meals, but that is actually because you have done all the other things, the respect, the caring, the nurturing . . .


----------



## Omego

jld said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Someone probably already said it, but good sex and good meals maybe the result of the foundation: emotional intimacy, respect, trust, love, commitment, etc, rather than part of the foundation itself.
> 
> We probably don't realize we are doing all those things if we are with someone we are naturally compatible with. We just see the sex and meals, and it looks simple.
> 
> .


:iagree: This is spot on. This is why my H and I make it through any problems we may have. There is something fundamental which is just "right'.


----------



## EleGirl

Anon Pink said:


> He would probably be okay for quite a while! If I don't make a dinner a few nights in a row, he gets rather withdrawn and starts making snippy comments. Of course, this doesn't mean he would pick up the slack. He would allow the house to disintegrate.
> 
> Laundry! He would be upset if I stopped doing laundry. Sex, food and laundry and he'd be content, not thrilled but content.


I mean stop everything else... don't talk to him. Don't spend any time with him. Do nothing in the house, with the kids, you became financially irresponsible, etc. I mean if the ONLY needs you met for him was sex and dinner. Thus he had no companionship and had to do everything with the kids and the house.


----------



## Anon Pink

EleGirl said:


> I mean stop everything else... don't talk to him. Don't spend any time with him. Do nothing in the house, with the kids, you became financially irresponsible, etc. I mean if the ONLY needs you met for him was sex and dinner. Thus he had no companionship and had to do everything with the kids and the house.


No. But how can any wife be so completely detatched from her husband? She'd seem more like a ...robot or something. Even a maid or a hooker would have some conversation...right?

ETA, besides that...I'm fun! Can't help it. It just comes out.


----------



## EleGirl

Anon Pink said:


> No. But how can any wife be so completely detatched from her husband? She'd seem more like a ...robot or something. Even a maid or a hooker would have some conversation...right?
> 
> ETA, besides that...I'm fun! Can't help it. It just comes out.


But you see this the point of this thread. 

The a poster insisted that a husband only needs those two things from their wife for him to be happy. He only needs sex and to be served hot meals. (guess she does not need to cook them, just serve them :scratchhead: )

The point of this thread is that a man needs a lot more than just sex and to be served hot meals.

ETA: And there are men who are not happy in their marriage even if they get all of it.


----------



## CharlieParker

EleGirl said:


> The point of this thread is that a man needs a lot more than just sex and to be served hot meals.


Ok, I agree, sex and food is overly simple, but let's flip it around, without sex I'm simply not going to be happy. 

We generally always cook together. She is a quality time person, me too to an extent, and cooking together is how we get much of it. I say it is almost (not quite) as important as sex.


----------



## Happyfamily

EleGirl said:


> The point of this thread is that a man needs a lot more than just sex and to be served hot meals.


That isn't what the people using the expression are saying. It's a straw man.

They need oxygen too, and the people using the expression are not saying it is possible to survive without oxygen. 

"All he really needs" is an expression to mean whatever comes next in the sentence is a priority item meaning stop polishing the bathroom fixtures and polish his rod instead.


----------



## Caribbean Man

the2ofus said:


> Now for me personally, give me good passionate sex and I'm happy. *But I don't believe passionate sex can happen without a deeper connection and respect.*


:iagree:

Exactly. Can't separate it.

_"'Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you
You're my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I'm winning
'Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you, oh.."_

All Of Me ~ John Legend.


----------



## Trickster

Anon Pink said:


> He would probably be okay for quite a while! If I don't make a dinner a few nights in a row, he gets rather withdrawn and starts making snippy comments. Of course, this doesn't mean he would pick up the slack. He would allow the house to disintegrate.
> 
> Laundry! He would be upset if I stopped doing laundry. Sex, food and laundry and he'd be content, not thrilled but content.


It's funny you mention if you didn't make dinner...

95% of the time, if iam home, I will make dinner for my wife... Over the past 22 years, thats just what she expects me to do because I enjoy it and i am way better than she is. Sometimes I think she just acts like she is bad at it.

It reminds me of those infomercials when people are trying to make dinner preps and seem to struggle. Then out comes the new gadget and all is better. My wife acts like cooking is a major struggle... It's almost comical..

So my wife has been on her period for 10 days how... That's over 10 days without sex...She doesnt like giving me oral and doesn't like PIV during that time... Sooooo I haven't made dinner all week... My wife is giving me the silent treatment because I am not cooking...

I still clean, vacuum, and do laundry... I just haven't cooked... I will do the dinner dishes afterwards...I do all that because I want a clean home. Before I would do that so my wife wouldn't be too tired for sex... That never worked...


I realize now that I am not grumpy without sex like I was before...


----------



## southbound

I may just be repeating what I already said, but as a man, I am very low maintinance, and a frequent sex life makes things that might be a problem seem not so much. Now, there are some assumptions i suppose.

It's like asking, "what do you want in a vehicle?" I may not say that I want the engine to run, because that seems like a given. With a woman, I'd like her to be a nice, pleasant person with some normal contributions to the relationship; however, if we get along because we are friends, a frequent sex life makes the pile of dishes in the sink and such seem like not such a big deal.

I don't require she jump through a bunch of hoops and pat me on the back all the time.


----------



## unbelievable

There might be other things beyond sex and nurturing that a guy wants from a woman, but if those two elements are missing, it doesn't matter what other rabbits she can pull out of her hat.


----------



## unbelievable

If your engine doesn't run, nobody cares about your Blaupunkt stereo or Corinthian leather seats.


----------



## Legalaff

I did the monkey wild sex, plenty hot meals, perfect hostess to friends and family members, financial adviser and supporter for him to return to school to get his degree. And wham he picks up a 24 yr old with his 37yr old self. I really thought I made him happy, but I was wrong. He still cheated.


----------



## jld

unbelievable said:


> If your engine doesn't run, nobody cares about your Blaupunkt stereo or Corinthian leather seats.


----------



## jld

Legalaff said:


> I did the monkey wild sex, plenty hot meals, perfect hostess to friends and family members, financial adviser and supporter for him to return to school to get his degree. And wham he picks up a 24 yr old with his 37yr old self. I really thought I made him happy, but I was wrong. He still cheated.


There are some bad characters out there. I am sorry he was one of them.


----------



## the2ofus

Caribbean Man said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Exactly. Can't separate it.
> 
> _"'Cause all of me
> Loves all of you
> Love your curves and all your edges
> All your perfect imperfections
> Give your all to me
> I'll give my all to you
> You're my end and my beginning
> Even when I lose I'm winning
> 'Cause I give you all of me
> And you give me all of you, oh.."_
> 
> All Of Me ~ John Legend.


I thought you said you didn't like this song!


----------



## southbound

unbelievable said:


> There might be other things beyond sex and nurturing that a guy wants from a woman, but if those two elements are missing, it doesn't matter what other rabbits she can pull out of her hat.


:iagree: Great explanation.


----------



## Caribbean Man

the2ofus said:


> I thought you said you didn't like this song!



Lol!

You'd have to thank SA for that.

I suddenly " got it" when she posted the lyrics and gave a little background.


----------



## EleGirl

CharlieParker said:


> Ok, I agree, sex and food is overly simple, but let's flip it around, without sex I'm simply not going to be happy.
> 
> We generally always cook together. She is a quality time person, me too to an extent, and cooking together is how we get much of it. I say it is almost (not quite) as important as sex.


Two points about this....

1) This thread was started because there was a thread in which men (more than one) were saying that the only things they needed were sex and to be served hot meals. They argued that any thing else was needed to make them happy.


2) There is this part of the OP that is not being addressed at all:

"A sexually satisfied man will do anything and everything for his wife...what’s more he will do it with a smile. "

This is not true for a lot of men. A good percentage of men can get all the good sex they want and they still are not do anything and everything for wife.


----------



## EleGirl

Happyfamily said:


> That isn't what the people using the expression are saying. It's a straw man.
> 
> They need oxygen too, and the people using the expression are not saying it is possible to survive without oxygen.
> 
> "All he really needs" is an expression to mean whatever comes next in the sentence is a priority item meaning stop polishing the bathroom fixtures and polish his rod instead.


"To make a Husband happy...a women has to do so little. Honestly speaking. All she needs is to be available sexually. A sexually satisfied man will do anything and everything for his wife...what’s more he will do it with a smile. "

This clearly states that a woman only need to keep her husband sexually satisfied and he will happily do anything and every thing for her, with a smile... it might be true for some men, but it's not true for a lot of men.


----------



## Trickster

EleGirl said:


> Two points about this....
> 
> 1) This thread was started because there was a thread in which men (more than one) were saying that the only things they needed were sex and to be served hot meals. They argued that any thing else was needed to make them happy.
> 
> 
> 2) There is this part of the OP that is not being addressed at all:
> 
> "A sexually satisfied man will do anything and everything for his wife...what’s more he will do it with a smile. "
> 
> This is not true for a lot of men. A good percentage of men can get all the good sex they want and they still are not do anything and everything for wife.



I know when my wife and have mutually satisfying sex, I am a happy camper... The house could be a mess, clothes in the laundry... She wouldn't even have to be my friend. I could watch football with the guys...

If my wife was hot, the sex was good, she gave me all I want, and made dinner on top of that... I would be a happy camper. She doesn't have to be my friend.

YES EleGirl.

I would do ANYTHING for my wife if the sex was good.


----------



## EleGirl

Happyfamily said:


> That isn't what the people using the expression are saying. It's a straw man.
> 
> They need oxygen too, and the people using the expression are not saying it is possible to survive without oxygen.
> 
> "All he really needs" is an expression to mean whatever comes next in the sentence is a priority item meaning stop polishing the bathroom fixtures and polish his rod instead.


Ok, so what do you say to a woman whose husband is getting all the sex he wants (from her) and he's not happily doing everything for her (or whatever the promised pot at the end of the proverbial sex rainbow is)?


----------



## EleGirl

Trickster said:


> I know when my wife and have mutually satisfying sex, I am a happy camper... The house could be a mess, clothes in the laundry... She wouldn't even have to be my friend. I could watch football with the guys...
> 
> If my wife was hot, the sex was good, she gave me all I want, and made dinner on top of that... I would be a happy camper. She doesn't have to be my friend.
> 
> YES EleGirl.
> 
> I would do ANYTHING for my wife if the sex was good.


But the point is that you are only one man. There are many men who are not like you. 

Telling a woman who already is having all the wild sex with her husband that he wants but he's still not happy with things.. she does not clean enough, she does not earn enough, she does not [fill in the blank].. and he sure is not going to do the things to meet her needs.. like spend time with her....

What she's told is to just give him more sex :scratchhead: 

It does not work with a lot of men.


----------



## over20

Ele, would you consider a poll with this thread? IDK maybe it could explain the TAM men's view at least.


----------



## Trickster

EleGirl said:


> But the point is that you are only one man. There are many men who are not like you.
> 
> Telling a woman who already is having all the wild sex with her husband that he wants but he's still not happy with things.. she does not clean enough, she does not earn enough, she does not [fill in the blank].. and he sure is not going to do the things to meet her needs.. like spend time with her....
> 
> What she's told is to just give him more sex :scratchhead:
> 
> It does not work with a lot of men.


Maybe I've gone without for so long that good sex is what I think i would want...

I don't know if I would choose a woman who gave me the best sex anytime I wanted and we spent the rest of the time doing our thing with our own friends.

Or

A warm fuzzy friendly relationship/marriage where we get along great, never fight and we equally share the daily work at home, and cook dinner together, but the down side.... sex was bad...

I would like both...



Not sure what you mean that most men are not like me...

My vise is that I am nice.

Way way way back while in the Navy, I had a stripper gf... I never bought her anything or gave her money... It was just great monkey sex...I was even nice back then...She rocked my world back then...I also knew she wasn't waiting for me while I was underway for 3 months.


----------



## WadeWilson

EleGirl said:


> "To make a Husband happy...a women has to do so little. Honestly speaking. All she needs is to be available sexually. A sexually satisfied man will do anything and everything for his wife...what’s more he will do it with a smile. "



When sex was an argument between us it did not stop me from doing necessary things (Help with groceries, cooking, basic chores) but I will say, I did not do it with a smile... As a matter of fact, quite childishly I was an grumpy pain in the... But when sex got back on track, I was my usual fun and goofy self... So uhh, yup sex= smile...

To add another view for me, to say all I need is food and sex, to exclude everything else... She would be nothing more than an over glorified "chef with benefits"...
But to not have sex (or even low frequency) she would be a very good friend and I don't need any more friends, so there's an medium and it exist, it's not a paradox...


----------



## over20

WadeWilson said:


> When sex was an argument between us it did not stop me from doing necessary things (Help with groceries, cooking, basic chores) but I will say, I did not do it with a smile... As a matter of fact, quite childishly I was an grumpy pain in the... But when sex got back on track, I was my usual fun and goofy self... So uhh, yup sex= smile...
> 
> To add another view for me, to say all I need is food and sex, to exclude everything else... She would be nothing more than an over glorified "chef with benefits"...
> But to not have sex (or even low frequency) she would be a very good friend and I don't need any more friends, so there's an medium and it exist, it's not a paradox...


Do you think some of it is that men's needs are more simple, that as females (who tend to be more complex), we just can't wrap our head around this issue? :scratchhead:

We, as females, are over thinking this? Not a good or bad thing, just what it is? :scratchhead:


----------



## Trickster

WadeWilson said:


> .. So uhh, yup sex= smile.....



Yes... Most men are simple creatures...


----------



## EleGirl

over20 said:


> Ele, would you consider a poll with this thread? IDK maybe it could explain the TAM men's view at least.


The reason I posted this in the Ladies' Lounge was to get input from women so that the women share with us what experience they have had in dealing with this topic. If you will note, the questions were geared toward women about their own marriages.

Now of course the men post here as well and there has been some great input from the men.

To my knowledge a poll cannot be added to an existing thread.


----------



## EleGirl

Trickster said:


> Not sure what you mean that most men are not like me...


I did not say “MOST” men I said “MANY” men. I know for a fact that many men do not treat their wives any better when they get all the sex they want.



Trickster said:


> My vise is that I am nice.


Way way way back while in the Navy, I had a stripper gf... I never bought her anything or gave her money... It was just great monkey sex...I was even nice back then...She rocked my world back then...I also knew she wasn't waiting for me while I was underway for 3 months.[/QUOTE]
And this has what to do with marriage?


----------



## over20

Ok. Just wondered. Thanks.


----------



## WadeWilson

over20 said:


> Do you think some of it is that men's needs are more simple, that as females (who tend to be more complex), we just can't wrap our head around this issue? :scratchhead:
> 
> We, as females, are over thinking this? Not a good or bad thing, just what it is? :scratchhead:



No, I actually believe it's just as complex... Saying sex does simplify it, but at least that's where a lot of the complicated issues really occur... One could say "just have sex and everything would be fine" that's not true... Sexually you have to mesh, you have to talk about it, understand and accept kinks, not just be willing but be into it, crave it, desire it...

But outside of sex, friendship has to be there, thus compatibility outside the bedroom, but like I said, for me sex is the bond and glue that separates a basic friendship from an LTR/marriage...


----------



## over20

I see you point. Thanks for responding.


----------



## CharlieParker

EleGirl said:


> "A sexually satisfied man will do anything and everything for his wife...what’s more he will do it with a smile. "
> 
> This is not true for a lot of men. A good percentage of men can get all the good sex they want and they still are not do anything and everything for wife.


Part 1, I agree with you, I fall into that group, and is seems I'm not alone.

Part 2, I agree with you, a-holes will be a-holes, I do not fall into that group (well, I try).


----------



## calvin

EleGirl said:


> "To make a Husband happy...a women has to do so little. Honestly speaking. All she needs is to be available sexually. A sexually satisfied man will do anything and everything for his wife...what’s more he will do it with a smile. "
> 
> This clearly states that a woman only need to keep her husband sexually satisfied and he will happily do anything and every thing for her, with a smile... it might be true for some men, but it's not true for a lot of men.


 Yep,you're right.
Sex is good so is supper but I need more than that need the same things she needs.
Someone who's got my back,is my best friend,helps around the house.
A wife that's there for me as a crutch in rough times and supports me when life can seem to be
too much,a wife that will listen to me and have a conversation with me.
Go camping with me,have fun with me.
I give her all this also,we rely on eachother and sometimes lean on eachother,we hold eachother up in bad
times.
We joke laugh and have fun together.
I cook for her,she cooks for me.
Yes sex is important and I like the bjs but there is much more to it than just that.
We try to please eachother,little love notes,gifts and just showng appreciating.
I know there is at least one safe harbor for me when life gets stormy....in my wifes arms.
She also knows she can count on me and I know she loves me.
Now if I could just get her to let me eat and have sex at the same time....just like
on Seinfeld.
;-)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## over20

calvin said:


> Yep,you're right.
> Sex is good so is supper but I need more than that need the same things she needs.
> Someone who's got my back,is my best friend,helps around the house.
> A wife that's there for me as a crutch in rough times and supports me when life can seem to be
> too much,a wife that will listen to me and have a conversation with me.
> Go camping with me,have fun with me.
> I give her all this also,we rely on eachother and sometimes lean on eachother,we hold eachother up in bad
> times.
> We joke laugh and have fun together.
> I cook for her,she cooks for me.
> Yes sex is important and I like the bjs but there is much more to it than just that.
> We try to please eachother,little love notes,gifts and just showng appreciating.
> I know there is at least one safe harbor for me when life gets stormy....in my wifes arms.
> She also knows she can count on me and I know she loves me.
> Now if I could just get her to let me eat and have sex at the same time....just like
> on Seinfeld.
> ;-)
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




Well I think George had sex in a kitchen once.....:rofl:


----------



## ariel_angel77

I have found that my husband's needs are, from most important to mildly important:
-Feeling admired & appreciated
-Peace in the household
-Clean house & cooked meals
-Emotional closeness
-Sex
Sex is still important, but I tried doing only that and found that he has other needs that are more important to him. So, I try to fulfill all of those needs. Of course, nobody will be perfect in doing that, but I try my best and he is okay with that.


----------



## Blossom Leigh

ariel_angel77 said:


> I have found that my husband's needs are, from most important to mildly important:
> -Feeling admired & appreciated
> -Peace in the household
> -Clean house & cooked meals
> -Emotional closeness
> -Sex
> Sex is still important, but I tried doing only that and found that he has other needs that are more important to him. So, I try to fulfill all of those needs. Of course, nobody will be perfect in doing that, but I try my best and he is okay with that.


Yep, Ditto here... My husband is a complex character and needs way more than sex and home cookin'... He enjoys a mentally challenging woman and he got that in spades in me.


----------



## NobodySpecial

Trickster said:


> I know when my wife and have mutually satisfying sex, I am a happy camper... The house could be a mess, clothes in the laundry... She wouldn't even have to be my friend. I could watch football with the guys...
> 
> If my wife was hot, the sex was good, she gave me all I want, and made dinner on top of that... I would be a happy camper. She doesn't have to be my friend.
> 
> YES EleGirl.
> 
> I would do ANYTHING for my wife if the sex was good.


Then why would the house still be a mess???!! Ducking and running.


----------



## always_alone

NobodySpecial said:


> Then why would the house still be a mess???!! Ducking and running.


It was a joke, but I think you're on to an important distinction here. Just because a man is feeling the afterglow of good sex doesn't mean he will do anything and everything for his woman.

Even Trickster, who said clearly that he was just that simple, gave an example of a gf that totally rocked his world, but he never bought her stuff or gave her money. I'm betting that this had little to do with her cooking.

For my h sex is a core need -- without it he would most certainly leave (as would I). But meeting that need, even exceeding it, isn't anywhere near sufficient. There are all sorts of other things that would cause him to leave - or to never have wanted to be with in the first place.


----------



## NobodySpecial

always_alone said:


> It was a joke, but I think you're on to an important distinction here. Just because a man is feeling the afterglow of good sex doesn't mean he will do anything and everything for his woman.
> 
> Even Trickster, who said clearly that he was just that simple, gave an example of a gf that totally rocked his world, but he never bought her stuff or gave her money. I'm betting that this had little to do with her cooking.
> 
> For my h sex is a core need -- without it he would most certainly leave (as would I). But meeting that need, even exceeding it isn't anywhere near sufficient. There are all sorts of other things that would cause him to leave - or to never have wanted to be with in the first place.


I actually meant what I said. He thinks he would do anything. Except maybe hear what SHE wants for "anything".


----------



## Happilymarried25

ariel_angel77 said:


> I have found that my husband's needs are, from most important to mildly important:
> -Feeling admired & appreciated
> -Peace in the household
> -Clean house & cooked meals
> -Emotional closeness
> -Sex
> Sex is still important, but I tried doing only that and found that he has other needs that are more important to him. So, I try to fulfill all of those needs. Of course, nobody will be perfect in doing that, but I try my best and he is okay with that.


I agree, sex is actually way down on our list because he has ED, so we replace that with a lot of affection. He also needs a companion, someone to talk to and I'm happy to fulfill that need too.


----------



## CuddleBug

From a married man's standpoint, what makes me happy.....

- a wifee that has a high adventurous sex drive and initiatives when she's in the mood.

- takes care of herself, so she is in good shape and can wear sexy outfits

- a positive, happy attitude

- not a princess, *****y, and expects things done for her.



We both cook here and there and do chores and errands together.

We both work full time.

I couldn't care less if she does a few more chores around the house.


So, for me anyway, its simple. A wifee that loves adventurous sex, initiates, takes care of herself and dresses hot. I'm a happy man.

A woman who does not want sex much "LD" and only vanilla sex and usually never initiates, and needs to lose 70+ lbs and therefore doesn't dress that sexy, I'm not a happy man. I couldn't care less if she made $25,000+ year or $70,000+ year because we both work full time.


----------



## Trickster

NobodySpecial said:


> I actually meant what I said. He thinks he would do anything. Except maybe hear what SHE wants for "anything".



When we do have good sex.... I am up at 5 in the morning to make a pot of coffee and I start on making breakfast. When have good sex, I will wash, dry, and put away a load of laundry, all before I go in to work. When we have good sex. I will make dinner so she doesn't have to. When we have good sex, I will listen to her talk about our daughters school all she wants... really listen, even though that's all she talks about. Sex is my favorite drug of choice. Give me what I am Jonesing for and I would do almost anything...that stripper gf I had way back never wanted anything from me except sex. When the sex isn't there I shut down.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## imtamnew

I made the comment that ended up becoming this thread.

Many thanks EleGirl. I have learnt a lot and gained a new perspective on this.

I have a question for all the people who have said that their spouses have needs apart from sex from them...

For sex...
Apart from the spouse is it possible for someone who believes in pure monogamous relationship to fulfill this requirement.

Will not the absence of this cause resentment. Would such resentment not completely overpower the other advantages of being married?

I am NOT talking about spouses who are not in need of sex. 
I am talking about men and women who need sex but married to someone for who its not a priority.

This thread has made me realize that for just as many men there are an equal number of women who are married and living with spouses who don't give sex its due importance in a marriage.


----------



## EleGirl

im_tam said:


> I made the comment that ended up becoming this thread.
> 
> Many thanks EleGirl. I have learnt a lot and gained a new perspective on this.


Yes you did.. and I think it's a good thread. Some very good responses here.



im_tam said:


> For sex...
> *Apart from the spouse is it possible for someone who believes in pure monogamous relationship to fulfill this requirement.*
> 
> Will not the absence of this cause resentment. Would such resentment not completely overpower the other advantages of being married?



Is that sentence worded right? It seems to not make sense. I'll wait for your clarification.


----------



## imtamnew

Elegirl.
Very sorry. I edited that line and messed it up.

My point is.
If someone believes in a purely monogamous relationship then there is only one person in the whole wide world who can fulfill the need for sex.

Its easy if the person is a cheater or a swinger to get this need fulfilled by someone else.

But what should a person like me (and most of us) do?


----------



## MaritimeGuy

I think some have alluded to it by saying men often want what they don't have but I would take it one step further. I think it's human nature to get used to the status quo but always want a little bit more. 

If you think of it in work terms for example when you get that raise or promotion for a little while it motivates you to work harder. That fades over time though. The result is there are people out there earning 100's of thousands a year who are just as concerned they're being underpaid as people earning minimum wage are. It's all relative to what you're used to.

In relationships a guy who's used to getting all the sex he desires, hot meals and a clean house thinks nothing of it. He will expect more in other areas. Guys who get sex only when the stars align in the right way are going to be way more appreciative. 

Not sure what the solution is other than to perhaps set the bar really low when you first get together. :scratchhead:


----------



## somethingelse

A healthy man who has boundaries and respect for himself and his marriage I'm sure would be happy with hot meals and great sex. 

An unhealthy man with sexual addictions, narcissistic traits or similar traits....are never satisfied and always wanting something else.


----------



## Lyris

I'd say only men who are sexually deprived would think this.

My husband needs lots of things from me to be happy. He needs good sex. He needs lots of non sexual touch. He needs me to talk to him and be genuinely interested in him. He has very high standards for what is good parenting. He needs me to be reliable and emotionally strong. 

But he's never had to deal with a lack of sex, or food for that matter. He's not that fussed about food anyway, he'll eat anything.


----------



## *LittleDeer*

I want sex, oral and hot meals.


----------



## EleGirl

im_tam said:


> Elegirl.
> Very sorry. I edited that line and messed it up.
> 
> My point is.
> If someone believes in a purely monogamous relationship then there is only one person in the whole wide world who can fulfill the need for sex.
> 
> Its easy if the person is a cheater or a swinger to get this need fulfilled by someone else.
> 
> But what should a person like me (and most of us) do?


Ah, now I get it.

I had a husband who withheld sex for a long time so I can tell you what I did.

First I tried to get him into MC. Tried to get him to talk it out. Not one but many times.

So when it became clear that he had no intention of fixing our marriage I filed for divorce.


----------



## Cosmos

EleGirl said:


> Ah, now I get it.
> 
> I had a husband who withheld sex for a long time so I can tell you what I did.
> 
> First I tried to get him into MC. Tried to get him to talk it out. Not one but many times.
> 
> So when it became clear that he had no intention of fixing our marriage I filed for divorce.


Same here. I divorced because of a sexless marriage.


----------



## NoWhere

Can the bl0w jobs happen during the hot meal to save time? Lots of sports games on the TV to watch..


 

Seriously I need more then hot meals and sex. Though that is a excellent start.


----------



## Created2Write

EleGirl said:


> The sentiment below is often touted on TAM as an absolute truth for marriage.
> 
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> All that a man really needs is hot food and a loving woman.
> Serve him cold food once in a while he will still eat.
> To make a Husband happy...a women has to do so little. Honestly speaking. All she needs is to be available sexually. A sexually satisfied man will do anything and everything for his wife...what’s more he will do it with a smile.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Do you find this to be true with your husband?


No. Sure, sex makes him feel happier. But the changes that need to happen haven't happened, even when I've offered to give him his sexual fantasies.



> Do you think that it’s really this easy to make most men happy? Or is your personal experience different?


Maybe for some men. Not for my man. Yeah, sex makes him happy. But it's not his top priority in our marriage. 



> If all you did in your marriage was wild monkey sex when he wanted it and cooked meals, would your husband be completely happy and not expect anything else from you? Would he do everything for you with a smile?


No to both questions. 



> Or have you found that even with lots of wild monkey sex and serving him hot cooked meals, your husband still has more needs for you to fill? If so, what are these needs? Does he get unhappy if you do not meet these other needs?


Time. Companionship. He likes it when we do things together. Sex counts, but only to an extent. And massages. Almost as important as sex. He gets unhappy if I don't meet these needs. 



> If your husband expects that you meet needs for him other than lots of hot sex and to serve him hot cooked meals, what do you think is the underlying issue? Is it because he’s hormonal, has psychological issues or is a cheater by nature? What is the character flaw that is the under lying reason that he’s not satisfied with only lots of sex and cooked meals? {Is there a character flaw?}


I don't think it's a character flaw at all. I think it means that sex, while important to him, isn't his primary emotional need. Others things either come first or are equal.


----------



## heartsbeating

EleGirl said:


> All that a man really needs is hot food and a loving woman.


Why didn't someone send me this memo? And to think, I've been attracted to a man who cooks for me. Dagnabbit I had it all backwards.


----------



## heartsbeating

It's true that cooking isn't the strongest of my skills. I have learned to understand what it means to my husband as a need. To him, being cooked for, is part of intimacy and feeling loved. I failed to realize this for years and in part because he enjoys cooking himself and is great at it.

He's also learning that even if my meals don't always turn out, that my intention is from a good place and the care is still there. If we can have a laugh about it then even better. Cooking together is the sweet spot though. It's not just about the food, it's the time spent, the talking, flirting, the music that's playing and sharing in the end result together.

I'd shut down from cooking during my teen years. My mother had depression and if she was still in bed, I'd attempt to cook for us. The end result was criticism of the meal and food uneaten. It may sound lame but it demotivated me and I stopped trying. My husband on the other hand, was left to fend for himself growing up and he taught himself to cook. He filled the gap that he craved for himself. When we started dating, he invited me over and cooked dinner for us. I was impressed to say the least and he remained chef of our house-hold. 

This Sunday morning, he had a well-deserved sleep in. I walked the dogs, returned home with a latte from his fave local cafe, and cooked him a simple breakfast in bed of bacon and scrambled eggs. It's not just about the food; it's about the consideration that speaks to him. 

Now that we're aware of each others needs, we can be more aware of how to meet those needs. We're not always going to hit the mark but I think if the intent and care is there, that speaks volumes to both of us. Simultaneously, we're also aware that at times our own expectations may need to be adjusted and have an element of acceptance of what one another brings.


----------



## heartsbeating

Both of us have needs that are many and varied.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

somethingelse said:


> A healthy man who has boundaries and respect for himself and his marriage I'm sure would be happy with hot meals and great sex.
> 
> An unhealthy man with sexual addictions, narcissistic traits or similar traits....are never satisfied and always wanting something else.


I am going to count my Husband in this category... I consider him pretty easy to please.. I have even told him he is too easy to please and to please ask more of me! .. which is rather silly...He is just a simple man who appreciates life and family.... one of those with his glass "half full" to overflowing (depending) at all times.. 

Though this is not counting the things that just flow for us like we both enjoy being together, lots of affection...talking to each other about our day... simple stuff.. we help each other...if these things were taken away..of course he would not be as happy.. ya know.. love languages & our emotional needs need to be met too!!...or it takes a toll on us, male or female...... me not breaking the bank putting him in debt ...keeping the kids in line and cared for...etc etc... where one handles this ... another may handle that... a team spirit -going forth together.... it's all necessary for a smooth running marriage... 








is ...and always has been VERY BIG FOR MY HUSBAND.. this lifts him up, he wants to be feel desired by me.. when he didn't get as much as he wanted..there was a difference in his countenance....inside he felt LESS LOVED BY ME.... he wasn't as affectionate, even as vulnerable with me....he never took it out on me, but I could see he was shorter with the kids back then...

If I didn't cook the meals around here... he'd be eating out of a box.... I get up to cook his breakfast / pack his lunch..and have a meal when he gets home... I'm gonna say he cares more about sex over food though.... Because he gets a lotta sex .. he wouldn't care if I burnt an occasional meal or skipped feeding him... he is just in better spirits...it carries over somehow...he thinks he has the world in his hands...

I asked him this question a week ago, and he agreed, those are the important things... he added something about the guys at work.. they are always grouchy & complaining that they never get any sex.. he just wanted to point out to me...when a man doesn't get it .. it just feels like everything is wrong.


----------



## jld

SimplyAmorous said:


> I am going to count my Husband in this category... I consider him pretty easy to please.. I have even told him he is too easy to please and to please ask more of me! .. which is rather silly...He is just a simple man who appreciates life and family....


Lol, SA. This is my husband, too. Dh is a giver. We all kind of forgot Father's Day today, and it didn't bother him one bit. Had completely forgotten it himself. 

And it doesn't bother him to pay for our lives, either. He doesn't seem to expect gratitude, though it is there. Maybe moreso because what he provides for us is so freely given.

I have to laugh at how you say your dh should ask more of you. Lol, I have said the same thing to mine countless times. But he says (and shows) that he is happy, and that I am doing fine.

What can we say, SA? We drew the Easy Husband card.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

jld said:


> Lol, SA. This is my husband, too. Dh is a giver. We all kind of forgot Father's Day today, and it didn't bother him one bit. Had completely forgotten it himself.


 I practically forgot about it myself.. he was sick yesterday sleeping almost all day.. so HOT to touch...he woke up looking like a lobster, a rash all over his upper body, he still went to work.. we both had shots days ago , after getting Twinrix hepatitis shot a week before this Adult Tdap shot... not sure if related.. 



> *And it doesn't bother him to pay for our lives, either. He doesn't seem to expect gratitude, though it is there. Maybe moreso because what he provides for us is so freely given*.
> 
> I have to laugh at how you say your dh should ask more of you. Lol, I have said the same thing to mine countless times. But he says (and shows) that he is happy, and that I am doing fine.
> 
> What can we say, SA? *We drew the Easy Husband card*.


Well you know what they say about the EASY husband card, don't you.. many women would find them Boring, not edgy enough... stuff like that.. so in all things, there is pluses and minuses...the Family man isn't exactly known as the fearless Adventurer.. maybe we are earlier to please too.. 

Oh I don't think I can say that one about myself !


----------



## nuclearnightmare

EleGirl said:


> The sentiment below is often touted on TAM as an absolute truth for marriage.
> 
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> All that a man really needs is hot food and a loving woman.
> Serve him cold food once in a while he will still eat.
> To make a Husband happy...a women has to do so little. Honestly speaking. All she needs is to be available sexually. A sexually satisfied man will do anything and everything for his wife...what’s more he will do it with a smile.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Do you find this to be true with your husband? Do you think that it’s really this easy to make most men happy? Or is your personal experience different?
> 
> If all you did in your marriage was wild monkey sex when he wanted it and cooked meals, would your husband be completely happy and not expect anything else from you? Would he do everything for you with a smile?
> 
> Or have you found that even with lots of wild monkey sex and serving him hot cooked meals, your husband still has more needs for you to fill? If so, what are these needs? Does he get unhappy if you do not meet these other needs?
> 
> If your husband expects that you meet needs for him other than lots of hot sex and to serve him hot cooked meals, what do you think is the underlying issue? Is it because he’s hormonal, has psychological issues or is a cheater by nature? What is the character flaw that is the under lying reason that he’s not satisfied with only lots of sex and cooked meals? {Is there a character flaw?}


I think quite the opposite. If frequent sex and home cooking is all it takes to satisfy him, then he is a moron. Though I guess that's not a character flaw per se.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

nuclearnightmare said:


> I think quite the opposite. If frequent sex and home cooking is all it takes to satisfy him, then he is a moron. Though I guess that's not a character flaw per se.


They are not morons, they are just men of few words...(how common place is it for men to leave out the extra details )...and for many these 2 things gravitate to the TOP of their list.. that's all... 

I recall a thread in the sex section http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/115690-what-soooo-important-about-bjs.html ... I spoke in my post...something I heard about Men....his Penis being his 1st love.....if a man or woman is in a coma, when the woman wakes up..she asks "are the kids alright?", asking about her loved ones as soon as she opens her eyes...what does a man do... the looks down to see if it's still there.

In the Book His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage ... it speaks of husband's & wife's core Emotional needs...we do not generally have these in the same order (example below)...and this can vary for each of us in our order of importance...though it seems a great many men would have "Sexual fulfillment" as his #1.... I assume Home Management (the chapter in the book is called "*Domestic Support*") would include "Cooking"....but yeah...all these other needs listed here are important too!...


----------



## treyvion

nuclearnightmare said:


> I think quite the opposite. If frequent sex and home cooking is all it takes to satisfy him, then he is a moron. Though I guess that's not a character flaw per se.


A large percentage of men don't even get this, yet the full responsibility of carrying a relationship partner. I think many men would be happy if they only got these two things out of the deal.


----------



## ScarletBegonias

I wish there was some overlap in that chart. There are things from both sides I'd put into the middle bc both people need them.


----------



## WyshIknew

Why would I need her admiration? I'm an adult for gawds sake, I don't get all pissy because somebody isn't fawning over me all the time.


----------



## committed4ever

nuclearnightmare said:


> I think quite the opposite. If frequent sex and home cooking is all it takes to satisfy him, then he is a moron. Though I guess that's not a character flaw per se.


I wouldn't consider him a moron. That's just all he needs. Simple, straightfoward and you would know easily enough whether that need is being met.

We all don't have to need/want the same things. I may not understand what some women need and some women may not understand what I need. Doesn't make one right or wrong. I have a need for a man with edge, who is a take charge man. From responses I have read from other women here on TAM in this thread and the "what makes a man unattractive" thread these are two characteristics that most women DON'T want. That doesn't mean Im a moron for wanting it.


----------



## EleGirl

The needs listed in "His Needs, Her Needs" are these:


Affection
 Sexual Fulfillment
 Conversation
 Recreational Companionship
 Honesty and Openness
 Physical Attractiveness
 Financial Support
 Domestic Support
 Family Commitment
 Admiration

The idea is for each person to rank them in order of importance to them from 1 to 10. Then each person would write out a description of how they would like those needs met.


----------



## EleGirl

ScarletBegonias said:


> I wish there was some overlap in that chart. There are things from both sides I'd put into the middle bc both people need them.


Look at my post above. Dr. Harley lists 10 of what he calls the most important needs in marriage. The list that SA posted is not exactly what Dr. Harley has in his book.

The list is exactly the same for men and women. The difference is that each person ranks them in their own order of importance.

For example, Harley does not list a need named “Home Management”. He does list one named “Domestic Support”. For a guy who has a SAHW, he might say that under the “Domestic Support” need, he would like his wife to fill it by managing their house hold. But a man whose wife works might say that he would like his wife to fill that need by doing 50% of the housework and work 50% with him on home management.


----------



## EleGirl

WyshIknew said:


> Why would I need her admiration? I'm an adult for gawds sake, I don't get all pissy because somebody isn't fawning over me all the time.


Maybe for you admiration is down on the list. So you would rank it maybe a 10.

I tend to interpret the admiration as respect. If your wife did not treat you with respect, your ranking of that need would go up quite a bit.


----------



## TiggyBlue

EleGirl said:


> Look at my post above. Dr. Harley lists 10 of what he calls the most important needs in marriage. The list that SA posted is not exactly what Dr. Harley has in his book.
> 
> The list is exactly the same for men and women. The difference is that each person ranks them in their own order of importance.
> 
> For example, Harley does not list a need named “Home Management”. He does list one named “Domestic Support”. For a guy who has a SAHW, he might say that under the “Domestic Support” need, he would like his wife to fill it by managing their house hold. But a man whose wife works might say that he would like his wife to fill that need by doing 50% of the housework and work 50% with him on home management.


I also really comes down to the individual people, what the dynamics are in their relationship and what needs aren't being met at the time. 
What one person see's as a easy/uncomplicated husband/wife another will see as very demanding.


----------



## EleGirl

TiggyBlue said:


> I also really comes down to the individual people, what the dynamics are in their relationship and what needs aren't being met at the time.
> What one person see's as a easy/uncomplicated husband/wife another will see as very demanding.


Yep, the ranking of ends can change in a relationship as well. Sometimes very quickly.

For example two people are working and feel that financial support from their spouse is not important. Than the other spouses loses their job and is not really looking to get a new one. Suddenly Financial Support becomes a huge issue.


----------



## nuclearnightmare

committed4ever said:


> I wouldn't consider him a moron. That's just all he needs. Simple, straightfoward and you would know easily enough whether that need is being met.
> 
> We all don't have to need/want the same things. I may not understand what some women need and some women may not understand what I need. Doesn't make one right or wrong. I have a need for a man with edge, who is a take charge man. From responses I have read from other women here on TAM in this thread and the "what makes a man unattractive" thread these are two characteristics that most women DON'T want. That doesn't mean Im a moron for wanting it.


I'm just taking Elegirl's words on face value. if that's all he needs it would mean that emotional intimacy is not a need of his, her companionship or friendship is not a need of his. sex and cooking do not necessarily include these. that's all. I have never known a man whose needs from marriage were that simple, that expressed such simple needs.


----------



## treyvion

WyshIknew said:


> Why would I need her admiration? I'm an adult for gawds sake, I don't get all pissy because somebody isn't fawning over me all the time.


Well because of her lack of attention towards you, you are getting less than 5% of the affection and sex you used to get when she was into you.


----------



## treyvion

nuclearnightmare said:


> I'm just taking Elegirl's words on face value. if that's all he needs it would mean that emotional intimacy is not a need of his, her companionship or friendship is not a need of his. sex and cooking do not necessarily include these. that's all. I have never known a man whose needs from marriage were that simple, that expressed such simple needs.


If many of us did our part, and we simply got sex and cooking out of the arrangement it would be light years of what we were getting out of it without those things.


----------



## EleGirl

treyvion said:


> If many of us did our part, and we simply got sex and cooking out of the arrangement it would be light years of what we were getting out of it without those things.


And then there are many who get all the sex they want, all the cooked meals they can eat, and a whole lot more... yet it's not enough.

There are so many scenarios that marriage and needs are not one size fits all.


----------



## over20

EleGirl said:


> And then there are many who get all the sex they want, all the cooked meals they can eat, and a whole lot more... yet it's not enough.
> 
> There are so many scenarios that marriage and needs are not one size fits all.


I agree with you that there are men out there like that........In my 43 yrs of living.....I have never met men like that though...maybe I attract more traditional men........where they are also appreciated respected and admired for the work they provide.


----------



## EleGirl

over20 said:


> I agree with you that there are men out there like that........In my 43 yrs of living.....I have never met men like that though...maybe I attract more traditional men........where they are also appreciated respected and admired for the work they provide.


:rofl:


----------



## clipclop2

There are plenty of men who cheat on near perfect wives.

All that is likely is that starting to get sec after not getting it for a long time would make a person temporarily happy unless everything else were spot on perfect... And even that isn't guaranteed.

Remove one issue and it uncovers another. 

Look at the men who turn down their wives for porn.

And to whomever said if their wife were hot and she gave him a lot of sex, etc. I take that to mean she isn't hot and it would limit the potential for happiness even with a lot of sex.


----------



## vellocet

^^^ easy now, this is just a joke


----------



## vellocet

EleGirl said:


> And then there are many who get all the sex they want, all the cooked meals they can eat, and a whole lot more... yet it's not enough.


I agree. Men like that don't appreciate what they have.

I'd feel damn guilty if my wife/gf did all the cooking. I like to cook as well.

The sex part is a two way street.

A woman that does all that you described deserves a good man that appreciates and reciprocates.


----------



## WillinTampa

EleGirl said:


> The sentiment below is often touted on TAM as an absolute truth for marriage.
> 
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> All that a man really needs is hot food and a loving woman.
> Serve him cold food once in a while he will still eat.
> To make a Husband happy...a women has to do so little. Honestly speaking. All she needs is to be available sexually. A sexually satisfied man will do anything and everything for his wife...what’s more he will do it with a smile.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Do you find this to be true with your husband? Do you think that it’s really this easy to make most men happy? Or is your personal experience different?
> 
> If all you did in your marriage was wild monkey sex when he wanted it and cooked meals, would your husband be completely happy and not expect anything else from you? Would he do everything for you with a smile?
> 
> Or have you found that even with lots of wild monkey sex and serving him hot cooked meals, your husband still has more needs for you to fill? If so, what are these needs? Does he get unhappy if you do not meet these other needs?
> 
> If your husband expects that you meet needs for him other than lots of hot sex and to serve him hot cooked meals, what do you think is the underlying issue? Is it because he’s hormonal, has psychological issues or is a cheater by nature? What is the character flaw that is the under lying reason that he’s not satisfied with only lots of sex and cooked meals? {Is there a character flaw?}



Marriage is too complex for simple guidelines. There are periods of happy / not happy. 
I don't believe that there is any way for a wife to keep her man perpetually satisfied. 

I think any man with a sense of responsibility knows that there will be times when he's unsatisfied and he must weather through them. Of course, that has its limits.


----------



## DesertRat1978

Sometimes in life, that is all it takes. Good food and good sex. Other times, there is more to it. Wife and I have a three month old at home. It is our first child. He dominates our life and that is not a bad thing. At the moment, I need to know that his needs are met to be happy.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

WyshIknew said:


> *Why would I need her admiration? I'm an adult for gawds sake, I don't get all pissy because somebody isn't fawning over me all the time.*


Unless you have read the book..you might not be getting this.. much of this one is about *RESPECT*.. 

*ADMIRATION/ RESPECT*...HE NEEDS HER TO BE PROUD OF HIM. Why do males have this need? Admiration energizes and motivates a man and he often expects his wife to be his most ardent fan. He needs to be appreciated for what he IS, not for what he COULD BECOME. While criticism causes men to become defensive, his wife's encouragement enables him to become more confident and achieve much more. 



> *TiggyBlue said:* *I also really comes down to the individual people, what the dynamics are in their relationship and what needs aren't being met at the time.
> What one person see's as a easy/uncomplicated husband/wife another will see as very demanding*.












I'll be the 1st to admit, many men would find me demanding in certain areas... yet in other areas...I am very easy to please, and lenient...I'd be a cheap date, I don't cry if a nail breaks...I'll help a guy shovel **** if he needs it.. not afraid to get my hands dirty.. I don't need to be pampered , whined & dined or a higher class lifestyle... though I do need Romance...a man who loves to please his woman sexually... a Family man, honesty...and he has to love the country.


----------



## Created2Write

WyshIknew said:


> Why would I need her admiration? I'm an adult for gawds sake, I don't get all pissy because somebody isn't fawning over me all the time.


My primary emotional need is Admiration, and really, it's not about having my husband fawn over me. It's more about my husband voicing his love and respect for me as a person. Telling me he's proud of me when I accomplish something. Telling me why he loves me, as opposed to leaving it at "I love you." Telling me nice things about how he feels about me. 

Hearing what he thinks and feels about me shows me that he knows who I am as a person, he loves me for being that person, and that he pays attention to what I do. It's a verbal way of showing that I matter to him.


----------



## imtamnew

Today morning I had to drive out early. Nasty traffic jam and a bad road. Stopped at a gas station that had the slowest pump ever.
On my way to work some idiot cut me off. 


But I am still whistling and smiling....can you guess why?
lol


----------



## heartsbeating

^ you won the lottery?


----------



## imtamnew

heartsbeating said:


> ^ you won the lottery?


Well to be very honest. A loving family is the best lottery that anyone can win.

TAM has really helped me.
Also my psychologist who gave me some wonderful insights.

So while my lottery was not a winning combination of numbers..I would say its just that good if not better.


----------



## heartsbeating

im_tam said:


> Well to be very honest. A loving family is the best lottery that anyone can win.
> 
> TAM has really helped me.
> Also my psychologist who gave me some wonderful insights.
> 
> So while my lottery was not a winning combination of numbers..I would say its just that good if not better.


:smthumbup:


----------



## WyshIknew

EleGirl said:


> Maybe for you admiration is down on the list. So you would rank it maybe a 10.
> 
> I tend to interpret the admiration as respect. If your wife did not treat you with respect, your ranking of that need would go up quite a bit.





SimplyAmorous said:


> Unless you have read the book..you might not be getting this.. much of this one is about *RESPECT*..
> 
> *ADMIRATION/ RESPECT*...HE NEEDS HER TO BE PROUD OF HIM. Why do males have this need? Admiration energizes and motivates a man and he often expects his wife to be his most ardent fan. He needs to be appreciated for what he IS, not for what he COULD BECOME. While criticism causes men to become defensive, his wife's encouragement enables him to become more confident and achieve much more.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I'll be the 1st to admit, many men would find me demanding in certain areas... yet in other areas...I am very easy to please, and lenient...I'd be a cheap date, I don't cry if a nail breaks...I'll help a guy shovel **** if he needs it.. not afraid to get my hands dirty.. I don't need to be pampered , whined & dined or a higher class lifestyle... though I do need Romance...a man who loves to please his woman sexually... a Family man, honesty...and he has to love the country.





Created2Write said:


> My primary emotional need is Admiration, and really, it's not about having my husband fawn over me. It's more about my husband voicing his love and respect for me as a person. Telling me he's proud of me when I accomplish something. Telling me why he loves me, as opposed to leaving it at "I love you." Telling me nice things about how he feels about me.
> 
> Hearing what he thinks and feels about me shows me that he knows who I am as a person, he loves me for being that person, and that he pays attention to what I do. It's a verbal way of showing that I matter to him.



Yes I can see this.

I suppose it's in my interpretation, I guess I had in mind some Stepford Wife kind of thing, "Gosh, isn't he just WONDERFUL." *simpers*

And yes, we do this already (not the Stepford wife), I hadn't realised it could be rare. It's easy to get complacent and let things slip when things are going well.

Sex grows in importance the longer it has been since our last session.

I do most of the cooking anyway.

We do quite a lot of verbal affirmation of love, I'm not sure I could be tied down to His Needs Her Needs type of stuff as my needs are flexible throughout my marriage.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

WyshIknew said:


> Yes I can see this.
> 
> *I suppose it's in my interpretation, I guess I had in mind some Stepford Wife kind of thing, "Gosh, isn't he just WONDERFUL." *simpers**


I must be the only woman on the planet who hasn't seen this movie and understands why they are mocked so much.. I was just reading about it a little on Wikapedia...it sounds like a satirical thriller where husbands are making robots out of their wives.. to be frightening submissive....sounds really bizarre... 

I need to take the time to look this up on you tube & watch it or something.. FW gave me a link a while back (in my ignorance) but I didn't get back to it...

I probably come off like this on TAM.. because I am in the older fashioned role and I do so look up to my H..... but honestly he'd laugh his rear off if anyone suggested I was the submissive type.. 



> The term "Stepford wife" entered common use in the English language after the publication of Levin's book, and is generally used as a term of satire.
> 
> It has been used by critics to describe Laura Bush,[3] and Katie Holmes after her marriage to Tom Cruise.[4] The label "Stepford wife" is usually applied to a woman who seems to conform blindly to an old-fashioned subservient role in relationship to her husband, compared to other, presumably more independent women.
> 
> It can also be used to criticise any person, male or female, who submits meekly to authority and/or abuse; or even to describe someone who lives in a robotic, conformist manner without giving offense to anyone.


----------



## EleGirl

SimplyAmorous said:


> I must be the only woman on the planet who hasn't seen this movie and understands why they are mocked so much.. I was just reading about it a little on Wikapedia...it sounds like a satirical thriller where husbands are making robots out of their wives.. to be frightening submissive....sounds really bizarre...


In the movie the men killed their wives and replaced them with actual look-alike robots (machines). So the robots were programmed to do exactly what the husband wanted. And like any machine they had no needs or thoughts of their own. 

The good version of it was done in 1975. There is a new version from 2004 that took a more humorous approach and was not that successful.


----------



## changedbeliefs

The only absolute truth is, there are no absolute truths. If there were any about marriage, there wouldn't be twenty sub-forums with 2,000 threads each, full of people trying to figure how the **** to make a marriage work.


----------



## EleGirl

changedbeliefs said:


> The only absolute truth is, there are no absolute truths. If there were any about marriage, there wouldn't be twenty sub-forums with 2,000 threads each, full of people trying to figure how the **** to make a marriage work.


:iagree: That's the truth!!


----------



## changedbeliefs

Threetimesalady said:


> *I married a Norwegian love God who is my soul mate...It doesn't get better than that...Especially when you are an Irish-German mix...*


A "Norwegian love God"?? And these are "especially" suited somehow for people of Irish/German descent? Did all of the Irish/German people that DIDN'T marry Norwegians somehow miss out?!? I think my calling is to compile all of the ridiculous rationalizations people concoct, NYT Bestseller, here I come!


----------



## EleGirl

changedbeliefs said:


> A "Norwegian love God"?? And these are "especially" suited somehow for people of Irish/German descent? Did all of the Irish/German people that DIDN'T marry Norwegians somehow miss out?!? I think my calling is to compile all of the ridiculous rationalizations people concoct, NYT Bestseller, here I come!


What I need to know is what is the best match for an Italian, Irish, American Indian, Hispanic woman. That must be my problem.. I never found out what kind of man is my "love god"?

:rofl:


----------



## changedbeliefs

EleGirl said:


> What I need to know is what is the best match for an Italian, Irish, American Indian, Hispanic woman. That must be my problem.. I never found out what kind of man is my "love god"?
> 
> :rofl:


Just put "Are you Norwegian" as Question #1 on your application, so all the "yes's" can get kicked out right away. Good luck!


----------



## Wolf1974

clipclop2 said:


> There are plenty of men who cheat on near perfect wives.
> 
> All that is likely is that starting to get sec after not getting it for a long time would make a person temporarily happy unless everything else were spot on perfect... And even that isn't guaranteed.
> 
> Remove one issue and it uncovers another.
> 
> Look at the men who turn down their wives for porn.
> 
> And to whomever said if their wife were hot and she gave him a lot of sex, etc. I take that to mean she isn't hot and it would limit the potential for happiness even with a lot of sex.


Lots of wives cheating on near perfect husbands as well. That's a selfish person by nature who only wants the fun and excitement of the affair. Those people come in both genders.


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## BaxJanson

I would say that rather than 3 hots and a warm cot being ALL a man needs, it certainly sounds like a minimum baseline for happiness. There's a lot beyond that which will make a man happy - indeed, that he needs. But if he isn't getting at least that, odds are he's pretty miserable.


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## heartsbeating

Threetimesalady said:


> *IMO, all that a man needs is for a woman that doesn't change...If either he or she does the cooking it doesn't matter...This should have been hashed out to start..*


While I respect your view and it's obviously working for your marriage, I have a different perspective with our marriage. 

Our needs have changed over time. My husband cooked for us... he doesn't want to continue that way. I don't want him to either. He loves to cook but he loves when I cook for us. I love when he cooks but I want to learn my own dishes. Cooking together is the sweet spot. Just an example. As needs change, attraction does too.

I think the key is being able to change and grow together. I sure as heck am not the person he met. He's no longer the person I met - but there are themes stemming from character that do remain.


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## that_girl

EleGirl said:


> The sentiment below is often touted on TAM as an absolute truth for marriage.
> 
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> All that a man really needs is hot food and a loving woman.
> Serve him cold food once in a while he will still eat.
> To make a Husband happy...a women has to do so little. Honestly speaking. All she needs is to be available sexually. A sexually satisfied man will do anything and everything for his wife...what’s more he will do it with a smile.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Do you find this to be true with your husband? Do you think that it’s really this easy to make most men happy? Or is your personal experience different?
> 
> If all you did in your marriage was wild monkey sex when he wanted it and cooked meals, would your husband be completely happy and not expect anything else from you? Would he do everything for you with a smile?
> 
> Or have you found that even with lots of wild monkey sex and serving him hot cooked meals, your husband still has more needs for you to fill? If so, what are these needs? Does he get unhappy if you do not meet these other needs?
> 
> If your husband expects that you meet needs for him other than lots of hot sex and to serve him hot cooked meals, what do you think is the underlying issue? Is it because he’s hormonal, has psychological issues or is a cheater by nature? What is the character flaw that is the under lying reason that he’s not satisfied with only lots of sex and cooked meals? {Is there a character flaw?}


I did all of that. Husband has left me twice because he's not happy. He says I'm awesome, but HE is not happy.

No one is responsible for anyone else's happiness. If you love someone you try to be kind and do what you know they like...but I am not responsible for his happiness. He is not responsible for mine. We have choices...stay or go. I'm teetering at the moment, more afraid to have this be my life for another 5 years than to leave.

I am no longer that wife I once was. Being burned twice and putting all that energy into something twice took a lot out of me. And I'm not too concerned about HIS wants and HIS needs anymore. He's never really been concerned to understand mine.

That's just where it's at.

To answer you, no, that's not always what it takes to keep a man happy. Sometimes they have their own issues to work through and NOTHING on the outside will make them "happy". It's their responsibility to work out, or not, and risk losing a life over if they choose to not look into it.


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## heartsbeating

that_girl said:


> To answer you, no, that's not always what it takes to keep a man happy. Sometimes they have their own issues to work through and NOTHING on the outside will make them "happy". It's their responsibility to work out, or not, and risk losing a life over if they choose to not look into it.


Well said.


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## Trickster

Created2Write said:


> My primary emotional need is Admiration, and really, it's not about having my husband fawn over me. It's more about my husband voicing his love and respect for me as a person. Telling me he's proud of me when I accomplish something. Telling me why he loves me, as opposed to leaving it at "I love you." Telling me nice things about how he feels about me.
> 
> 
> *Why does your husband love you?
> 
> What does he value in you?
> 
> Not too long ago, a friend asked me to name 3 things I love about my wife. I couldn't think of anything...*
> 
> 
> Hearing what he thinks and feels about me shows me that he knows who I am as a person, he loves me for being that person, and that he pays attention to what I do. It's a verbal way of showing that I matter to him.


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## that_girl

I ask my husband why he loves me and he says because I'm awesome. Oh, and I'm a good cook.

I have yet to hear anything else about me that he loves. And when he says that I'm awesome, he giggles a nervous laugh or says it in babytalk with is so gross to me. There's never any comments on how I look, except sometimes he'll look at me and say, "Damn, you look so effable right now." Which turns me off because I am MORE Than a vagina. Creep. He never says I'm pretty or "hey, good work on your school year!" He doesn't even know what grade I'm teaching next year, or that I had to move rooms....because he DOESN'T EVEN ASK me how my day was or what happened. If he does ask, and I start talking, he says nothing and it's like I'm talking to myself. No thanks.

But he loves me because I'm awesome. Wtf does that even mean? That's a yearbook signature. I am SO MUCH! I asked him if he even knows ONE THING that is going on in my life at work or with my personal situation with family and he said he didn't....because he NEVER asks! 

He'll talk my ear off about a car but of nothing of real substance. It's maddening.


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## over20

that_girl said:


> I ask my husband why he loves me and he says because I'm awesome. Oh, and I'm a good cook.
> 
> I have yet to hear anything else about me that he loves. And when he says that I'm awesome, he giggles a nervous laugh or says it in babytalk with is so gross to me. There's never any comments on how I look, except sometimes he'll look at me and say, "Damn, you look so effable right now." Which turns me off because I am MORE Than a vagina. Creep. He never says I'm pretty or "hey, good work on your school year!" He doesn't even know what grade I'm teaching next year, or that I had to move rooms....because he DOESN'T EVEN ASK me how my day was or what happened. If he does ask, and I start talking, he says nothing and it's like I'm talking to myself. No thanks.
> 
> But he loves me because I'm awesome. Wtf does that even mean? That's a yearbook signature. I am SO MUCH! I asked him if he even knows ONE THING that is going on in my life at work or with my personal situation with family and he said he didn't....because he NEVER asks!
> 
> He'll talk my ear off about a car but of nothing of real substance. It's maddening.


I don't know, but could it be that he has a hard time expressing his feelings? I don't mean any disrespect at all and I am not defending him, just trying to help. Does he express his feelings in other ways...I mean by acts of service? I have found some men are just very simple creatures verbally.....is he an introvert?

My own hubs is a man of little words...regarding emotional stuff....but funny stuff...he can laugh all day...that's not a bad thing, it's just the way he is.


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## that_girl

Yea, we both have realized he can't show emotion about anything. Ever.

I know why and how come and all of that. It's been since I met him...my mistake. Hindsight and all...however, at that time we met I was the same. Water seeks its own level and all.

He knows he needs therapy for his past childhood trauma (scary shet) and I know it's hard. I went to therapy for a year and some change to deal with my crap. It's been almost 2 years since he said he needed some professional help and has yet to get some.

I know his issues. I am just losing my empathy for them because it's always ME GIVING and him acting the victim or that he "can't" be a certain way. That's fine. But I have choices and he knows I'm teetering on leaving. He knows this and STILL makes no move to get some help. So...that's what that is.

He knows I'm a talker and I need feedback. He knows my love language is conversation and that kind of stuff. His is acts of service. SO he loves me by doing things for me but it doesn't hit me like it hits him when I do things for him. I need a COMPANION. I shouldn't go through hard times ALONE (like when my gramma or stepdad died and my husband did NOTHING for me or with me around those horrible deaths...however he had COMPASSION for a friend when they lost a mutual friend. I sat there in shock as he poured with compassion and empathy. Wow. So he has it, just not for ME.).

I shouldn't turn to other people (my girl friends) when I go through shet because I don't feel like he'll listen or have any insight or emotion to give me. I can't even cry around him because he just walks away. REALLY? He is supposed to be my husband...my "go to" with hard things and happy things. He's usually the LAST person I tell. At best, on a bad day, I get "That sucks" and a hand pat. Yea. Thanks, man. And then I'm expected to open my legs that night. Stop it.

I know the problems. He knows the problems. I worked on only his issues (and mine in therapy) when he left the first time. It was ALL about him (I posted here at that time and people remember). Then I let him home and he left 1.5 years later for the same crap he left the first time. He's not happy. Ok then. Then he came home when he got ill and nothing has changed in 7 months. Fine. He can "be good" for a few weeks or so when I finally blow up (like the other day ...MY BIRTHDAY...and he didn't think he needed to say happy birthday to me in the morning because he was going to get me a card at night. Yea. )

I'm done caring.

(sorry for the novel. lol. This is just where I am right now with a man who knows his demons but won't face them...in the meantime I get ignored, used and expected to just "deal". Well, I'm 1/2 an inch from done.)

ETA: He was also a raging alcoholic. He never got angry or abusive physically...he'd just go into a comatose state and ignore us all. Wtf. We'd call his name 5 or 6 times! It would break my heart when our daughter would call for him and he'd just sit there. What an a$$. Now he doesn't drink but he didn't get into any therapy for it so he's still the same. 

Right now he's "being good" since Friday but I know it's fake and I wait until things go back to the "norm". Sad. I'm better than this. I just gotta figure out a few more things. It's not an easy decision, as we know.


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## over20

What do you think holds him back from therapy that_girl? Reliving all the trauma? Is there anyone else that could get through to him?


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## that_girl

Don't know, don't care. He has no friends and won't talk to his family.

I've wasted 3 years wondering why he won't help himself and talking to him about it. Holy crap, time to get off that ride.

I'm done worrying about HIM. It's my time now. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

But it goes to show that good sex (and I love me some good sex!) and hot food (I LOVE to cook) doesn't make a man happy.

It comes from within.


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## over20

Good point....it's just sad that he can't get past an "emotional wall" to be able to enjoy the fruits of his marriage.....can he talk to his doctor..maybe he has been in depression and needs medical attention...:scratchhead:


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## that_girl

Probably does. Again, I don't care. He's grown. We have insurance. Medical and mental health.

I laid it out that he WILL LOSE HIS WIFE SOON and yet he's put no effort into getting help. That's my ONE condition...he gets into therapy for drinking and his past...he hasn't. Oh well. Sucks royally but holy shet. ...enough is enough. Grow up.


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## over20

Maybe he needs to see you leave for a while to have him reach rock bottom....by no way am I suggesting divorce at all...but maybe a couple nights at a relatives or hotel....the shock value of the situation at hand might trigger him to seek help...IDK your history, just throwing out ideas....life does stink sometimes....we all have issues, you not alone


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## that_girl

He's left me twice. Four months the first time, 8 and some months the second.

lol 2 nights won't be a big deal. 

I don't consider it an issue...just a choice. A choice I'm close to making.

But I won't be going anywhere. I got my kids and my dogs...this is my house


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## jld

He left you? You did not kick him out?

Geez, you are nicer than I am. If my husband left me, I think I would bolt the door -- forever.


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## that_girl

Yea, everyone says that until it happens  I said it too.


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## EleGirl

intheory said:


> I bet you're really pretty. High cheekbones? Long dark, straight hair (at some point in your life at least)?
> 
> Sorry if I offend. I find different ethnic combinations in people really interesting.


No offense.

I have 7 siblings. We all have a different range of hair color/complexion. Me? I'm the "white sheep" of the family. I have long blond hair and blue eyes. Even at my age it's still blond.. no white hair here


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## over20

that_girl said:


> He's left me twice. Four months the first time, 8 and some months the second.
> 
> lol 2 nights won't be a big deal.
> 
> I don't consider it an issue...just a choice. A choice I'm close to making.
> 
> But I won't be going anywhere. I got my kids and my dogs...this is my house


I am sorry, like I said I did not know your story....hang in there....why did he leave though for mental issues? :scratchhead:


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## Rand OmGuy

My wife takes very good care of me all the way around...for the most part. 

She is a terrific mother, is always there to support me and has a very healthy sex drive. 

The one thing that is missing is Oral....she will not give a bl0w job. Might not be the biggest deal in the world, but the problem is, I have never had one. We met when we were 18 and I had not "played the field" much prior to meeting her. 

We've been together 14 years, but it has always been the elephant in the room. She knows I want to experience it, but she cannot get her self to do it. Never has, for anyone. Never will. 

Guess it's something I will have to live without.


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