# Failure to leave a parent?



## 32064 (Dec 19, 2011)

I've had issues with my wifes relationship with her mother for years and my wife acts as if I'm the nut when I vent my concerns.

We have been married for 15 yrs and have several children. Her mother has slowly invaded my wifes personal life by befriending her with phone calls, companionship, gifts, an income. I have said she's brainwashed sometimes.

My wife works for her mother P/T and I strongly disapprove of this but my my wife will not entertain any change. Wife & mom have multiple lengthy daily phone conversations (even when on vac). Any vacations or family outing time is usually a battle between me wanting just us to go and her wanting her mother/brother & his kids involved. Holidays are non-negotiable, we go where her mother wants to go. Gotten to the point where my wifes thoughts are based with mom 1st. She also has developed a disturbing mother can do no wrong attitude even when things are outright. Most conversations start with "my mom said" or "grandma said". It's to the point where like last night at the dinner table. My wife does not ask me how my day was, where I went, or what I did. She doesn't talk about her day. She talks about how her mom's day was, who upset her mom that day, what her mom did & so on. I just sit in silence thinking how I could not care less. 

It's all hit critical mass in my mind and I now have to ask somebody. Should I let this go? Should I be concerned? If so, how in the world does one get through to her without it turning to conflict? That's what ALWAYS immediatly happens if you even hint somthing negitive about mom.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Avoiding a subject just because there's going to be a conflict won't make it go away. Doesn't matter if you're talking in-laws, sex, kids... So if it's that important to you, maybe it's time to start cracking some eggs.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You wont change her. Realise that. So you either want to live with it and make the best of it or you dont.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

You've let her get away with it for 15 years.
Sorry bud, but it's not going to stop now. Not no way, not no how.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

I'd say its time to invent an imaginary 4th party to enter your marriage on your side. This imaginary 4th party has to be outrageous in his ideas, thoughts. And insist this imaginary 4th party gets equal say to your mother-in-law. See how she likes it when imaginary 4th party starts to insist on their way in the relationship. 

Then remind her that when you wed each other, Mother-In-law was sitting in audience with everyone else, not standing with you. Tell her as much as you appreciate her raising your wife, she doesn't get anymore say in the marriage than everyone else in the audience.

Its ONLY between you two. Let her sit with that for a while. Then MAN-UP - start acting like a man. 

Required reading for you:

1 - No More Mr Nice Guy
2 - Hold onto your NUTS
3 - Married Men Sex Life Primer

Time for you to become the man your wife married. She isn't feeling secure with you, so she let her mother take over. How manly is that? Read these books and implement immediately! If you don't, nobody here can help you anymore than what you have the capability of doing.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Ask her who she considers more important. You or her mother?

Remind your wife that she cant be intimate with her mother, have kids with her, or grow old with her (though technically that's possible I supposed).


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## 32064 (Dec 19, 2011)

Well, this has only snowballed over the last few years. My main issue is I dont know how to get in her head and stop it. For quite some time I have voiced my concerns and more & more regularly get upset, make really rude comments and some good old "making fun" of the relationship. Thanks for the comments and I did get some useful info here.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

what are you boundaries in the marriage then? and how will you enforce them? would you be willing to enforce them?

Love & Logic!


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## 32064 (Dec 19, 2011)

Really amazed that laying it all out, or cracking that egg without breaking the yoke seems, to have got her thinking and acting a little differently when it comes to mom. It's a start, Thanks


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## dkong (Mar 12, 2010)

krummer i can understand your pain. my MIL hasn't cut the apron strings yet. my wife and i are both 34 now and the MIL still feels like she can advise her daughter on how to live her life. its a dangerous game now as when this unwanted advice leaks into your daily life the decision making process gets complicated. there are two concerns here:

a) you and your wife are not making the decisions as you should be
b) if you can turn things around and make decisions between you and your wife, her mother will need to learn to respect and not comment on those things, as she has no right.

your wife is an adult now and she needs to make decisions independent from her mother.

don't get down on yourself. i think there is hope and i believe sometimes this stuff can be undone. i've gone through it and my wife thinks a lot more independently now, but we still deal with the difficulty her mother faces of letting go (and it's gotten ugly).

a few things i would consider discussing with your wife:

* family can be important but your family (inner circle, your relationship and the kids) comes before the relationship with her mother
* you and your wife make decisions together (no 3rd parties), and these are not to be discussed or approval sought from her mother.
* define some personal space for your relationship, ie try to setup days (ie, once per week to start with) where nobody (especially your MIL can intrude on your personal time with you, your wife and kids). 
* set boundaries (ie the personal time). this will be a challenge/test for your wife and MIL to see if they can respect those boundaries.
* make sure that your wife communicates those boundaries. she needs to hear it from her daughter, it will soften the blow and show her that her daughter has other priorities in her life.

you, your wife, and your MIL are all responsible for how this works. ie your wife is an enabler, and she needs to put you ahead of her mother at least more than 50% of the time. your MIL needs to respect your boundaries, and you are also an enabler by allowing this to happen and not voicing your concerns.

if you can communicate these things in such a way to tell your wife that you are not jealous, but you simply want more time with her and that it would be nice for her to show you that your relationship is a priority ahead of her mother, than that would be helpful.

it isn't an easy situation to discuss as she will probably get defensive, but if you don't attack her mother or her i think you have chance

best of luck


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## 32064 (Dec 19, 2011)

Amazing I found my old thread. Well, I cracked the egg not too long after this post and it went ok for a while. I simply explained how I should be 1st in her life and not her mother. It was pretty clear I would be leaving if this did not happen. Over time my wife became completly detached from me. After the initial egg cracking she pulled back from her mother and it made her miserable as of today.

My wife now regularly lies to my face to cover her tracks with mom even though she had backed off the relationship by 80%. She has made financial issues in our household under the cover of lies and deception (related to her poor paying mom job). Even when called on the carpet with documentation she will not admit wrong doing. 

She will not leave the mom job even though she puts on a good "looking for a job front". Mom constantly makes her minimum wage job easier for her with plenty of PTO. There's many a day I come home early only to find her home facebooking when she was supposed to be at work. She also has no friends left besides those who comment on her facebook crap. Most of our social activities are derived from people I maintain relationships with now. 

Shes also became extremly selfish with her attitude and comments towards me and others. She has developed an "everyone should kiss my a#@" attitude. I can only assume this is derived from her pulling away from mom. Her mom & boyfriend will do absolutly anything my wife even hints towards these days. The MIL's boyfriend seems to have taken liking to my wife also. He has a cute pet name for her and regularly waited on her until I said to my wife he has a hard on for her and amazingly they now nearly ignor each other, at least when I'm around. 

Funny thing, our sex life took a nose dive too. The wife still puts out when I complain enough. She used to literally hump my leg but now I'm recieving the duty sex which is not much better than ones own hand. 

We are mostly cold to each other now. Some days we won't even say a word to each other and some we do talk. It now feels like I live with a sister or a spoiled teenager. Sad thing is we have two young kids and if I hit the road well guess what? My bride will most likely get custody and her and her mother will seal their fate to a nice life in a correction institution.

So, I probably should not have taken the egg cracking advice and just dealt with the mom relationship like some of you said.


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

Not sure what you mean when you talk about the 'egg cracking advice'.

But anyway, this is a dysfunctional situation to be sure. One that is not uncommon. In fact it happened in my family. Lets just say the marriage got crowded. The mother of the woman was always in the picture until the husband was eventually relegated to the perimeter of his wife and children's lives. The wife could not/would not detach from the mother. Apron strings were firmly in place.

They eventually divorced. Now, I'm not saying this is your fate, but I think maybe a hard line needs to be drawn in the sand.

How much of this are you willing to take?
What is your bottom line?

I think boundaries need to be drawn with your wife's unhealthy dependence on her mother. She is an adult and it is up to her to cut the strings with her mother. I agree that she needs to get rid of the job with her mother. The mother's boyfriend seeming interested in your wife is another worry.

This can be fixed. But it has to come from your wife's end.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I cannot understand adults who cling to their parents the way your wife does. It's so pathetic. Grow up already.

I love my mum, we're very close and my husband loves her too. But she doesn't get a say in our marriage or big decisions.

Hubby's sister is so enmeshed with their parents it's sad...mummy in law rules her life. Pathetic.


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

frusdil;8401769[B said:


> ]I cannot understand adults who cling to their parents the way your wife does. It's so pathetic. Grow up already.[/B]
> 
> I love my mum, we're very close and my husband loves her too. But she doesn't get a say in our marriage or big decisions.
> 
> Hubby's sisters is so enmeshed with their parents it's sad...mummy in law rules her life. Pathetic.


:iagree:
You and me both. I just cannot fathom being like that with my mother. The amount of women I have seen personally, enmeshed with their mothers/and or family of origin just astounds me. Don't they want their own life away from mum and dad?

As well as this happening in my own family, my inlaws are totally enmeshed emotionally with their daughter and her adult children to an extreme point. They attempt to enscapulate my husband in their manufactured drama's (and I emphasise 'manufactured') and daily functionings of their lives to a ridiculous level.

I love my mother, but she doesn't get a say in anything in my life. However, if she could she would - that's just her. Boundaries are your friend.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Krummer said:


> Shes also became extremly selfish with her attitude and comments towards me and others. She has developed an "everyone should kiss my a#@" attitude.
> 
> The MIL's boyfriend seems to have taken liking to my wife also. He has a cute pet name for her and regularly waited on her until I said to my wife he has a hard on for her and amazingly they now nearly ignor each other, at least when I'm around.
> 
> Funny thing, our sex life took a nose dive too.


Affair that went underground?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Sounds extremely unhealthy.

Are you married to her or her mom? Seems like her mom and her daughter is the puppet.

I would lay the hammer down on your wife and tell her that she either becomes her own person/woman that she is/should be and starts working with you as a TEAM.......or it's over.


Krummer said:


> Shes also became extremly selfish with her attitude and comments towards me and others. She has developed an "everyone should kiss my a#@" attitude. I can only assume this is derived from her pulling away from mom. Her mom & boyfriend will do absolutly anything my wife even hints towards these days. The MIL's boyfriend seems to have taken liking to my wife also. He has a cute pet name for her and regularly waited on her until I said to my wife he has a hard on for her and amazingly they now nearly ignor each other, at least when I'm around.



This tells me she is very inconsiderate, arrogant and disrespectful. Exactly like her mother (it seems).

Not the type of person that even a decent marriage material IMO.

I would ask her if you are her priority in life or is it her mother. Answer (which I already have a feeling you and I both know) should drive your decision going forward.

Honestly, I don't think there is any hope of changing such person at this point. I also think you haven't done your due diligence prior to getting too serious/married with this girl (hard to call her woman, I'm sorry).

Learn from that going forward.


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## 32064 (Dec 19, 2011)

I fully realize this has become a dysfunctional relationship. But, I have made just about every effort including being Mr. nice guy, getting PO'od, making fun of the relationship and attempting to seriously talk. All of which have led down a road nowhere. 

There is a bond between the mother & daughter that will never change. I do also believe my wife is possibly having some sort of emotional affair with the MIL's boyfriend. Not sure. Otherwise, I'm in it for my kids now. 

DoF - you hit the nail on the head.


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

Family counseling for all 3 of you. MIL doing a HUGE dis-service to her daughter! Careful, or your children will 'learn' from mom and turn-out the exact same way. Honestly, do you want your W interfering with your children's life when they are adults?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

Krummer said:


> I fully realize this has become a dysfunctional relationship. But, I have made just about every effort including being Mr. nice guy, getting PO'od, making fun of the relationship and attempting to seriously talk. All of which have led down a road nowhere.
> 
> *There is a bond between the mother & daughter that will never change.* I do also believe my wife is possibly having some sort of emotional affair with the MIL's boyfriend. Not sure. Otherwise, I'm in it for my kids now.
> 
> DoF - you hit the nail on the head.


The _*bond *_may never change. However the _*relationship *_can and should change - one from dysfunction to a fully functioning adult relationship. Again, as I said before, this has got to come from your wife. She has to understand how unhealthy this is on all levels, she has to want it and she has to make the changes herself. Would the two of you be willing to go to counseling together? You need to shut down the budding relationship (if there is one) between the MIL's boyfriend and your wife.


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## 32064 (Dec 19, 2011)

Well, counseling could be a possiblity but not with MIL. Like I said, the relationship between wife and MIL has backed off by 80%. Now my wife resents me for it. She still wants her mommy at her side and did not want to lose me either. I'm in 1st place by the force of ultimatum. Maybe she needs a 3rd party look at whats happened and lay into her. I do have detailed notes of the past few years for reference. I did try to take her to see our pastor a few years ago (would not go) and ever since then she will not return to church. I would have to issue another go to counsler or I pack my bags comment.


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