# I cheated,please help



## why1234 (Dec 14, 2011)

Well first i'll give some background im 23 H is 28. We've been married for 6 yrs and have 2 children 4 & 6mos.
I cheated three years ago when H and I were not living together. I recently have told H about the ONS. Our life has been wrecked ever since. I guess i'll start from the begining, I used to be a drop dead knockout, H always called me his trophy wife. When I became pregnant Med problems caused me to go from 110 to 200 lbs. That's when hell started, H called me fat and ugly everyday, when I was 7mos preggo I caught an std from H. Swears he must have had it before me and didn't know. So as my weight climbed H's feeling declined, he would at me in disgust. After baby was born it was even worse he refused to touch me and the emotional, visual cheating began, anything he could do to avoid sex with me, web cam and sex chats tons of porn, the worst was his dating profiles, when we would go out he would not be seen with me, he always would stare at other women right in front of me. Then new years came, he told me to invite a friend over, his friend could get with, H friend never showed just mine. I got very drunk and was laying on the floor crying, sick and calling for him. He was fooling around with my friend in the other room. (baby was @ g-ma's) She told me they touched each other the next morning he denied it, then started giving me trickle truth. But the insults did not end, neither did the emotional and visual cheating. It got so bad I moved in with my dad he had nothing to do with me or the baby, I was waiting on divorce papers from him. Thats when i had ONS. It was awful, I was so ashamed of myself. We got back together, everything seemed to be getting better. We had another child and hell started again, I only gained 15 pounds this time, it didn't matter tho H had a new job working at concerts and all he could talk about was he wished he'd F* this groupie and that girl. I was diagnosed with a rare form of Bcancer, I had the Tumor removed, during surgery I died and did not exist for 3 mins. The next day H went to work and talked about groupies. It got so bad that he kicked me and our kids out of the house, he encouraged me to go out and find someone else. He said he needed to have fun and be young again. So we left then he decieded that he wanted his family, so as my weight declined H's feeling increased @ 150 now yay! He has secretly told me he has a fetish for BDSM, Fisting. So I have been following him down that road much to my discomfort. I decided to tell H because he has been so honest with me. Now I feel I've made a mistake. He dosen't care why I did it, just that I violated him and was no longer his. We had sex for the first time since I told him and he purposley hurt me, saying things like your supposed to be just my **** no one elses, and how I was no longer his sex toy anymore. WTF? I am so confused, I made the wrong choice years ago, i'm not asking for forgiveness just love and he can't seem to do that, because i'm no longer his, like i'm an object not a person. Please help!!


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Im really sorry for your pain. 

The only thing I know how to be is honest.

Your broken, at your husbands hand. Your husband is very very damaged. This whole thing is over the top toxic, it can not be fixed. Ever. 

Save your children, save yourself. Get out.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Your husband cheated, then you did.

Do you want to stay married to him? HOnestly, he sounds like an a$$hole.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Wow. There's so much wrong there that the odds of saving it are very remote - if they exist at all. 

Only with very extensive counseling and hard hard work by you and your husband is there any chance to save it, and honestly given your ages and the issues you've had since the start I doubt the relationship has enough underlying strength to make it. 

I have to agree with Pit - I think the most productive move may well be to call it over, learn your lessons, and move on in life.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

why1234 said:


> Well first i'll give some background im 23 H is 28. We've been married for 6 yrs and have 2 children 4 & 6mos.
> I cheated three years ago when H and I were not living together. I recently have told H about the ONS. Our life has been wrecked ever since. I guess i'll start from the begining, I used to be a drop dead knockout, H always called me his trophy wife. When I became pregnant Med problems caused me to go from 110 to 200 lbs. That's when hell started, H called me fat and ugly everyday, when I was 7mos preggo I caught an std from H. Swears he must have had it before me and didn't know. So as my weight climbed H's feeling declined, he would at me in disgust. After baby was born it was even worse he refused to touch me and the emotional, visual cheating began, anything he could do to avoid sex with me, web cam and sex chats tons of porn, the worst was his dating profiles, when we would go out he would not be seen with me, he always would stare at other women right in front of me. Then new years came, he told me to invite a friend over, his friend could get with, H friend never showed just mine. I got very drunk and was laying on the floor crying, sick and calling for him. He was fooling around with my friend in the other room. (baby was @ g-ma's) She told me they touched each other the next morning he denied it, then started giving me trickle truth. But the insults did not end, neither did the emotional and visual cheating. It got so bad I moved in with my dad he had nothing to do with me or the baby, I was waiting on divorce papers from him. Thats when i had ONS. It was awful, I was so ashamed of myself. We got back together, everything seemed to be getting better. We had another child and hell started again, I only gained 15 pounds this time, it didn't matter tho H had a new job working at concerts and all he could talk about was he wished he'd F* this groupie and that girl. I was diagnosed with a rare form of Bcancer, I had the Tumor removed, during surgery I died and did not exist for 3 mins. The next day H went to work and talked about groupies. It got so bad that he kicked me and our kids out of the house, he encouraged me to go out and find someone else. He said he needed to have fun and be young again. So we left then he decieded that he wanted his family, so as my weight declined H's feeling increased @ 150 now yay! He has secretly told me he has a fetish for BDSM, Fisting. So I have been following him down that road much to my discomfort. I decided to tell H because he has been so honest with me. Now I feel I've made a mistake. He dosen't care why I did it, just that I violated him and was no longer his. We had sex for the first time since I told him and he purposley hurt me, saying things like your supposed to be just my **** no one elses, and how I was no longer his sex toy anymore. WTF? I am so confused, I made the wrong choice years ago, i'm not asking for forgiveness just love and he can't seem to do that, because i'm no longer his, like i'm an object not a person. Please help!!


Why are you still with this guy? You deserve to be respected and treated much better than this. He sounds like he has issues that you can't do anything about. There likely is some serious pathology going on with him. I am usually very pro marriage, but this doesn't seem worth your time and effort.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

If your post had been written by a best friend, sister or your mother, what advice would you give her? You would tell her to leave her husband and divorce him, wouldn't you? No go do the same.


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## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

oaksthorne said:


> Why are you still with this guy? You deserve to be respected and treated much better than this. He sounds like he has issues that you can't do anything about. There likely is some serious pathology going on with him. I am usually very pro marriage, but this doesn't seem worth your time and effort.


 :iagree: OP your story is so sad. Please,you and him both...don't continue to live like this. Get help,find a good church where God can mend you life,anything,just don't continue to live this way.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

why1234 said:


> We had sex for the first time since I told him and he purposley hurt me, saying things like your supposed to be just my **** no one elses, and how I was no longer his sex toy anymore. WTF?


This is so wrong on many levels... I am sorry you are going through this. I agree with the others, it is time to go.


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## why1234 (Dec 14, 2011)

I have been feeling like it is too, when he stood in our kitchen and told me he wanted to have sex with someone else and wanted me to help him ( he was asking threesome) I asked him if he would want to do a threesome with two guys and his reply was no your mine, then I replied well then I guess we agree. Then it turned into him picking me apart and telling me everything he finds unattrative about me. Now that's all I see when I look in the mirror. I just want him to look at me the way he looks at others. I have been seeing glimpses of it since we started his fetishes. But I miss the love, rolling around under the covers kissing, him able to perform with no gimmicks, he wants to try puting a toy on the end of a drill??? He saw it in a movie, i don't know how far I can go with this. I just want his love. I'm trying to make him see everything he's doing from my side, but it's double standards.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Another woman with self respect would have kicked him out the door a long time ago and filed for divorce. He treats the way he does because you allow him to.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

It's certainly not for me to judge another's sex life, but 




why1234 said:


> he wants to try puting a toy on the end of a drill???


OMG!!!!!!

He does realize that movies are not reality - right???

He's using you, abusing you, demoralizing you, and taking advantage of you. If he had any love for you he could not and would not treat you this way. The more you try to show him the hurt, the more you try to get his love - the more he's going to poop on you. Sorry - he's just one of those broken guys.

Split.


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## why1234 (Dec 14, 2011)

It's like he doesn't understand, maybe I would be more open to this, I guess it's the old saying diffrent strokes for diffrent folks, if everything else had not occured. I know that I have hurt him by what I did, but he's not acting hurt, he's more pissed that I soley don't belong to him anymore, but he asked me two months ago if I would be into the idea of partner swapping? It's okay for me to cheat with his blessing? I dunno i'm trying to rationalize and be empatheic but having trouble.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

why1234 said:


> I just want his love.


I just want to win the lottery. Fact is, I have a better chance of that than you do of having the marriage your dreaming of with this man.



why1234 said:


> I'm trying to make him see everything he's doing from my side


That will never happen. Do you understand? HE IS SICK. Not well, mentally ill. 

You have low self esteem and your co-dependant. He's a self absorbed, sociopathic narcissist. You need his approval, and will do anything to get it. Somewhere down deep he has demons you will never force him to deal with. 

Mark my words, he will destroy you and throw away the shell of a women he has used up. Hopefully, he hasn't already broken you so badly that you can not find the strength to save yourself.


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## why1234 (Dec 14, 2011)

I mean in what world does he live in, Hi babe good morning your disqusting, I would like to f* someone else and drill you (literally), but I do love you???? I know I am co-dependent and all I want is his love and approval, but I am not financially co-dependent I am actually the bread winner I am an RN, I can do just fine on my own, but I love this man. He has spent so much time telling me nobody will want me. Sometime I wonder if he's right, he pourposley wrecks me as he calls it and then when he gets mad he has the gall to talk about the size of my v. He does have good in him, he's an amazing father and would walk through fire for them, just as I know he would never let anyone hurt me, but he's content with hutring me. I made the wrong choice but I am a good woman.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Run FAST, do not walk, RUN!!!! do you want your kid to see what kind of freak he is, the mutual sex thing is fine if that what you are into, but it seems like (NO he is) using you thru and thru, just because you feel bad about what you have done, he will never ever stop!!! the punishment and perversions will just get worse, he will use your guilt against you to **** all over you....you owe it to your child to leave this scum quickly.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Please seek counseling for your sake and your children's. It is not healthy for a young woman like yourself, and her children, to be in such abusive and destructive marriage.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

why1234 said:


> I mean in what world does he live in, Hi babe good morning your disqusting, I would like to f* someone else and drill you (literally), but I do love you???? I know I am co-dependent and all I want is his love and approval, but I am not financially co-dependent I am actually the bread winner I am an RN, I can do just fine on my own, but I love this man. He has spent so much time telling me nobody will want me. Sometime I wonder if he's right, he pourposley wrecks me as he calls it and then when he gets mad he has the gall to talk about the size of my v. He does have good in him, he's an amazing father and would walk through fire for them, just as I know he would never let anyone hurt me, but he's content with hutring me. I made the wrong choice but I am a good woman.


He is trying to brainwash you by telling you only bad crap about you, why believe him?, you said before you were hot as hell, get there again...youre an RN and make good $, kick his ass out, make him pay child support...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ok so you know he's bad for you. What is your plan?


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Only two words need to be said here....GET OUT!


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## why1234 (Dec 14, 2011)

I wish I did have enough leverage to tell him to leave, can't it's his house literally. Funny how he never behaved this way when he lived in my house. I've never had very good luck at carrying children or having a smooth pregnancy. When i was 16wks I started having contractions, Dr. put me on bed rest, I couldn't pay my morgage or car note, he refused to spend all of his money on my house or my ****ty car as he called it. So he watched me cry from the bedroom window as they hooked up my car, he watched me cry as I packed up the house I worked so hard and so many years on. He never has to really work for anything in his life he always as my father would call it ride someone's coat tails. His mother bought him his car and gave him her old house. He has no pride in working he has worked maybe if I counted all the days 1 year out of six. I'm tired I want a partner to share the load with me. He has ruined my credit and my selfworth.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

why1234 said:


> He does have good in him, he's an amazing father and would walk through fire for them, just as I know he would never let anyone hurt me, but he's content with hutring me. I made the wrong choice but I am a good woman.


It never fails to amaze me when people describe disgusting behavior and then follow it with, "But he's a good person."

A loving man doesn't treat another person, especially one he claims to love, like dirt.

An amazing father would put his family above his own perversions.

So, it is safe to say that your husband is not a loving person and is a fairly poor husband and father.

The question is, what are you going to do about it? You can't reason your way into his heart. I know you want him to love you and treat you properly. That's not happening until you change. He will never respect you until you respect yourself.


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## why1234 (Dec 14, 2011)

I bet everyone of you is asking why do I stay the only answer I can even come up with Is i'm still in love with who I wish you were. I'm in love with a fantasy that will never be, my mother was a very cold woman who fully believed if you made your bed you lie in it. Well i'm tired now, I've talked to him about counseling and he seemed willing until I was honest with him and told him what happened many years ago, now were back to square one.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

*You are in love with a person who no longer exists or never existed. You are in love with an image of a man* you thought your husband was when he was courting you in the early part of your relationship prior to marrying him.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

why1234 said:


> I am so confused, I made the wrong choice years ago, i'm not asking for forgiveness just love and he can't seem to do that, because i'm no longer his, like i'm an object not a person. Please help!!


First let me say that your choice to cheat was lousy, despicable, and you lowered your self-worth.

Having said that, what does your H care? He called you all those horrible names, if he thinks you were fat and ugly, and said so, then what does he care?

And I bet you anything if he was calling you all those names, he was cheating himself. But then if he was, I'd suspect he would throw it in your face the day you told him about your ONS.

You are obviously married to an a**hole. He only wants you when you are the perfect little Barbie Doll. Have you considered divorce? Because he is abusive.

Again, however, your decision to cheat has no excuse. Your state of mind is his fault, but your cheating is 100% on you.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Dexter Morgan said:


> First let me say that your choice to cheat was lousy, despicable, and you lowered your self-worth.
> 
> Having said that, what does your H care? He called you all those horrible names, if he thinks you were fat and ugly, and said so, then what does he care?
> 
> ...


He cheated on her first, that was why they seperated. And it was with her friend, in their childs room while she was drunk and sick and calling for him. That's why they separated and she had the ONS. Plus he was doing live chats with women online prior to that.

Edit: I'm not saying she isn't wrong for cheating, even though she said she was expecting him to file for divorce. Meh, it's not a healthy marriage all the way around, even from the start it sounds messed up.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> He cheated on her first, that was why they seperated. And it was with her friend, in their childs room while she was drunk and sick and calling for him. That's why they separated and she had the ONS. Plus he was doing live chats with women online prior to that.
> 
> Edit: I'm not saying she isn't wrong for cheating, even though she said she was expecting him to file for divorce. Meh, it's not a healthy marriage all the way around, even from the start it sounds messed up.


Did not know all of that. So now that I do, I recommend divorcing his sorry butt, making sure he pays child support, and taking half the marital assets with her.


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## why1234 (Dec 14, 2011)

I'm sorry I was just readin through some of the posts, there is no child support, he has no money, no job anymore, not that he ever really worked in the first place. The only things he has are what other people have bought him, i just exist to serve him.Which have been another problem in our marriage the only job he went to everyday, was 1 where he could flirt with groupies. I'm tired of bearing the burden alone. I lost my home and car because he refused to pay for it, now i'm driving his car and living in his house, both given to him by his mother.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

why1234 said:


> I'm sorry I was just readin through some of the posts, there is no child support, he has no money, no job anymore, not that he ever really worked in the first place. The only things he has are what other people have bought him, i just exist to serve him.Which have been another problem in our marriage the only job he went to everyday, was 1 where he could flirt with groupies. I'm tired of bearing the burden alone. I lost my home and car because he refused to pay for it, now i'm driving his car and living in his house, both given to him by his mother.


I'd run, and run fast. You'd do much better on your own, without him there. But in the end, it's up to you if you are willing to raise your child in this environment.

Good Luck to you, I feel you're going to need it.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

why1234 said:


> I'm sorry I was just readin through some of the posts, there is no child support, he has no money, no job anymore, not that he ever really worked in the first place. The only things he has are what other people have bought him, i just exist to serve him.Which have been another problem in our marriage the only job he went to everyday, was 1 where he could flirt with groupies. I'm tired of bearing the burden alone. I lost my home and car because he refused to pay for it, now i'm driving his car and living in his house, both given to him by his mother.


the courts dont give a crap if he has a job or not, he has to pay support, no support jail time (thats how it works in my state any way) also if he was/is abusive (physicaly) they will throw him out. No court in the world will make you leave with the kids, his house or not (once again check into your state laws) they will tell him he has to leave (happened to my brother) they do not want the home of the child dirsupted, its all about the kids, use this to your advantage, get free legal aide...move back home with your folks, do whatever you have to..

I have a question for you, do you want any of your childern to be like him or if you have a daughter,to be with a guy like him?
They learn from what they see and you accept it why wouldnt they later on in life?


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

I have no experience with child support/spousal support in a divorce, but is he unable to work or just chooses to let you carry him? Seems to me he could get a job and support his family in a divorce. Talk to a lawyer right away, find out your options, see if a judge can require him to get off his butt and pay for his family responsibilities. He will claim the infidelity on your part, you can do the same to him. Get out of this marriage...I'm sorry for your situation, but it doesn't sound like it'll get better without a miracle.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

broke and poor without asshat husband > broke and poor with asshat husband

you truly are in a position with nothing to lose but getting rid of an anchor tied around your leg as you try to swim to shore


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

Are you a glutton for punishment, or something???


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I see that you posted on the 'Sex in Marriage' forum. Do you seriously believe that this is a sex issue that needs to be resolved?


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## why1234 (Dec 14, 2011)

to Reply to that I'm not sure, If we can go to counseling and work past our infedelity, can we ever have a normal sex life?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

you have more issues than infidelity here


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

You can't realize this, but you are the first person I've seen post here that they cheated to get any response other than telling you that as the cheater you have to atone for your infidelity, including several who's spouses also cheated first. That should indicate something to you. It's not that those types of responses aren't still applicable, but as Almost said, your infidelity is just not the biggest issue on the list of issues in your marriage.


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## why1234 (Dec 14, 2011)

Thank you sigma, I've tried talking to my husband about my reasons why and he dosen't care, which i wouldn't expect him too. It just seems he cares more because I'm his property.I would say yes we have a lot of issues I just don't walk away unti I know I have done everything in my power to fix things


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

you cant fix things by yourself


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

I know it seems scary to divorce with 2 kids, but you are still very young. You have a whole life ahead of you. 

This is a very toxic and abusive relationship. Your H's idea of marriage is very distorted and sick as he sees his W as nothing but a sex toy and wants to emulate some of the most disgusting and extreme sex acts he saw on the porn sites. 

Get out of this marriage before too late. Divorce now !!


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

strugglinghusband said:


> the courts dont give a crap if he has a job or not, he has to pay support, no support jail time (thats how it works in my state any way) also if he was/is abusive (physicaly) they will throw him out. No court in the world will make you leave with the kids, his house or not (once again check into your state laws) they will tell him he has to leave (happened to my brother) they do not want the home of the child dirsupted, its all about the kids, use this to your advantage, get free legal aide...move back home with your folks, do whatever you have to..


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Why1234 - Every time I read one of your posts, I end up more baffled by your husband's actions. This is not normal behavior, it's not even abnormal, it is psycho on your husbands part, you do not have a healthy marriage at all, your husband is abusive, he is degrading you to a level of disgust, to a level lower than disgusting actually. It's very frightening to read what you write. I really hope you listen to the advice given to you and do what is best for you and your children.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> you have more issues than infidelity here


Word. Up.



why1234 said:


> Thank you sigma, I've tried talking to my husband about my reasons why and he dosen't care, which i wouldn't expect him too. It just seems he cares more because I'm his property.I would say yes we have a lot of issues *I just don't walk away unti I know I have done everything in my power to fix things*


And everything includes WHAT exactly?

This man is a cancer for you. If you can't see that, you have bigger issues. You have no self-esteem. Get some. And some dignity. And leave this f-cker.


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## NotSoSureYet (Nov 10, 2011)

why1234 said:


> but he asked me two months ago if I would be into the idea of partner swapping? It's okay for me to cheat with his blessing? I dunno i'm trying to rationalize and be empatheic but having trouble.


OK. Your relationship is not strong enough to withstand a 3some/4some situation. Most relationships aren't. He is just using you to get all the things he wants. He isn't in this marriage as a partner. Don't "reward" him for any of his actions. Don't let him get away with treating you like a piece of crap. You are the mother of his kids and I really wonder if gives 2 sh^*s about them either - he wouldn't treat you like this. 
Your young. You can have anything you want for you & your children. Give yourselves the chance at a happy life. Even if it's just you and the kids together. It sounds like he is not a positive in your life.

Good Luck!


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

It is only my thoughts, so take them from a hurting BS or leave them. I've never felt pain like what I felt when my wife slept with someone else and lied to me about it, **BUT** how he is taking it out on you sexualy is abuse / rape. Hurting you during one of the most bonding thing two people can do together is not love. 

If your going to stay with him, and if when you two are (I guess making love) he hurts you tell him to stop, you've had enough of the torture. If he hurts you one more time after you've said stop, its rape. CHARGE him with it. You will end up with the house, kids, and car. And in my eye the best gift of all ...... You'll be free of him.

Just my two cents.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

why1234 said:


> I would say yes we have a lot of issues I just don't walk away unti I know I have done everything in my power to fix things


THAT'S ENOUGH!! Do not hide behind the guise of "not giving up" because of your "values". 

Thats a pathetic, piss poor excuse your using to enable you to hold on. Your terrified to be alone. Partially because of your own co-dependancy, but mostly because you have been abused. 

You have been systematically broken down, this is what its like to be a victim. You are that cowering little mouse standing in the shadows trying to hide your "black eyes"... all the while trying to find excuses for him and reasons why you cant leave. DO NOT use values as your crutch.

There are no excuses, there is no marriage, no love, and there is no fixing. There is only disfunction and more pain. 

You obviously dont think your even worth saving... and that's fine. But you have children for god's sake!!! This will spill all over them!!!

I'm sorry for your pain. But enough of the bullsh*t. Stand up for your self, stand up for your children. That's ENOUGH!

Your post is titled "please help"... We can not help you unless you stand up and help yourself!


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## why1234 (Dec 14, 2011)

Thank you all and even though some of your posts were hard to swallow sometimes you need a reality check, I wish my dad were here, I would just take my kids and go home. I think that's why I have been valued to keep my marriage my dad wasn't perfect he cheated on my mom and battled with alcholism, but when she really needed him he was there, he lived 11 months after she died helped me buy my house, saw that I was secure in my job and even thought my H had grown just like I had, when he thought I was safe he ended his life. But i'm not and I need him, I have no friends no one can stand to be around my H, he really is a jackbutt. Which is why i am on this forum, thank you to all who cared enough to post I am going to contact an attorney. The only thing i am confident of is that my children and I will be financially secure without him and my expenses will get much lighter, I realized I am two diffrent people when I am at work I am talkative and happy everyone tells me what a pleasing and nice person I am, then I go home and turn into this meeley person I can't even stand.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

why1234 said:


> Thank you all and even though some of your posts were hard to swallow sometimes you need a reality check, I wish my dad were here, I would just take my kids and go home. I think that's why I have been valued to keep my marriage my dad wasn't perfect he cheated on my mom and battled with alcholism, but when she really needed him he was there, he lived 11 months after she died helped me buy my house, saw that I was secure in my job and even thought my H had grown just like I had, when he thought I was safe he ended his life. But i'm not and I need him, I have no friends no one can stand to be around my H, he really is a jackbutt. Which is why i am on this forum, thank you to all who cared enough to post I am going to contact an attorney. The only thing i am confident of is that my children and I will be financially secure without him and my expenses will get much lighter, I realized I am two diffrent people when I am at work I am talkative and happy everyone tells me what a pleasing and nice person I am, then I go home and turn into this meeley person I can't even stand.


Well TAM has been a wonderful addition to my life and my struggles and even though some of the advice can be harsh, I have found that it's only because many members here do really care. I can't speak for everyone, but for me, reading what you have written is heartbreaking to say the least. I really wish you the best and I hope you and your children can find peace. You are not alone in this world, you have your children, you have your pride, you have your whole life ahead of you. Some of my favorite memories are of me and my oldest just being together. I didn't have a man for many years when she was growing up. It was okay to be alone, we were at least at peace. Take care.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

You still did not answer my question, you have kids right? if you have a son, do you want him growing up to be like his father, treating women like trash and a jack off tool? if you have a daughter, do you want her winding up with someone like your husband, the one being treated like trash and being the jack off tool? because if you stay they WILL!(kids learn from what they see and believe me they know, kids are not dumb and blind, they pick up on things)...this should be your biggest motivator here.

If you cant be strong for yourself, you MUST be strong for them!


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## why1234 (Dec 14, 2011)

To struggling husband, Doesn't that go without saying, It's every parents job to make sure their children have a better life then they did and It really is leading by example, which is why I am contacting an attorney. I told H this last night and he said Oh well then you should know it's 325$ to file the paperwork. WTF? well I guess the feelings are mutual. I did'nt even know how much it cost


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

He's likely thinking you're bluffing and trying to run something like the 180 on you to see if you'll fold. 

Based on your description of your H's behavior IMO it's likely that once he becomes convinced you mean business he'll have one of two reactions. I think he'll either start begging you to change your mind and do everything he can to convince you he'll change. Or, I think he'll get much more abusive and possibly even violent. For some reason my personal hunch is the latter. Either way I don't think he'll just say ok and let it go down smoothly so be prepared.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

why1234 said:


> To struggling husband, Doesn't that go without saying, It's every parents job to make sure their children have a better life then they did and It really is leading by example, which is why I am contacting an attorney. I told H this last night and he said Oh well then you should know it's 325$ to file the paperwork. WTF? well I guess the feelings are mutual. I did'nt even know how much it cost



Sorry if you I offended you,didnt mean it that way, I had a good friend many years ago, sort of a simular situation to yours, her
B/F was verbally and sexualy/physiaclly abusive,she just took it and took it for many years...she like you was lost for so long trying get her B/F to love her, he never did, she kpet it hidden from her kids for awhile, or so she thought, then he started doing
it in front of the kids, it took her two trips to the ER to finally get it, she even defended the A-HOLE the first time he beat her up,
saying it was her fault for pissing him off and she should have knew better....and he didnt do it on purpose and it was only the 1st time ever etc etc... he swore he would never do it again, didnt want to press charges .

The second time, black eyes, broken ribs, fractured eye socket
,some buddies showed up afterwards and had a nice long talk with him (funny thing is he fell down some steps and went to ER himself, go figure) after that she finally got out for her kids sake.

Her B/F was nice as pie in the begining, slowly ever slow slowly, he took control and his true nature came out...


I truly do hope the best for you and your kids, you will have a better life, do not let this sweet talkin A-HOLE back into your life, he will never change, he may try to fool you for awhile, but sooner or later the real him will come back..


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## why1234 (Dec 14, 2011)

To Struggling Husband, No I did not take offense, But the truth of the matter is not everyone considers their children first. I was realizing that yes I love this man and I would die for him, we've built a life together, but what happens one day when the cancer comes back and I can't beat it this time, I don't want to be sick and dying with him treating me like crap, then I will have wondered what if. It reminds me of my sis n law, she died in a car accident at 21 yrs ol with a 1yr old son, she had been with her BF since she was 13, he kept promising he was going to marry her, she was in the ground a week when he married her friend,while he's driving a 50thousand$ truck her insurance bought him.


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