# Marriage and loneliness



## Lonelywife82 (Jul 31, 2021)

Where do I even begin?!?! I've been married for nearly 10 years, together for nearly 15. Our marriage seems to have hit a bump in the road. I do love my husband but things are starting to get to me...constant lockdown hasn't helped much being stuck in all the time. I'm working from home as well as having 3 kids to look after. My hubby isn't here much and feels like he's always finds other things to do. He doesn't help with the kids or the housework and everything seems to left to me. He's recently lost his job, although has another set up to start in a weeks time, but he still has been out of the house a lot helping other people, sometimes paid work sometimes not. Sex life is non existent which is down to both of us as we don't make the effort. The thing that really gets to me the most is the lack of communication. He can spend a long time on the phone with his mates having a right good chat or even when visiting people but when he comes home he's too tired and then sits on his phone watching videos etc. I try and gauge conversations but get one word answers. Sometimes when he's at home he even might treat himself to an afternoon kip. This morning I was prepping tea, sorting the washing and cleaning the kitchen as well as entertaining our youngest. He sat there on his phone. I've tried talking to him but we end up arguing. Is it really the end? I'm not even sure what I want anymore. I know I'd be so unhappy without him but also unhappy the way it is.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Have you told him you're considering leaving?


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## Lonelywife82 (Jul 31, 2021)

He always says if you're not happy you know where the door is...but I can't leave without my boys. I did end up telling him to leave last night...he likes to blame everything on me for example lack of sex but it takes two of us and says I treat him like a mate. I reminded him that the last few times it's either been because he's fallen to sleep, he's felt ill or not had a shower but in all honesty I haven't been in the mood either and I'm not up for it if he's ignored me all day. I'd love to dress up to get his attention, etc but a bit difficult with kids and noone to help out with them


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

just how much are you happy to put up with , 
I see the lock down as a good thing as you find out what or who your married to , 
I live 24h 7 with my wife 
for many they only see their husband after work , some are even slow to go home from work
Friday evening and we had 5 men talking outside the gate like lovers , 
I ask have they no home life 

you have said a lot of what is wrong and seem to think if he has a job in a week or two it will be ok again not to help you when he gets home 
for many British or Irish men the fact the pub was not open they had nothing to do with their time off 
and did not go home to their wife , 
and many think house work is woman's work 
through back to the 50s


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

I don't know if you can relate, or if this offers you any help. If it doesn't relate to your situation, please totally disregard it.



Lonelywife82 said:


> isn't here much and feels like he's always finds other things to do.


My wife complains that "...working full time is too much for you...." - what she doesn't understand, is that I "hide" from her in sleep. Her every word to me is some kind of a nag, a *****, a complaint, a comparison of my gifts to the gifts of others who make more money. She makes "jokes" about me, disparages and emasculates me.

I just don't want to hear it and have my feelings hurt, so I sleep and work.

She complains "...we never DO anything..."...... guess why ?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Lonelywife82 said:


> He always says if you're not happy you know where the door is...but I can't leave without my boys. I did end up telling him to leave last night...he likes to blame everything on me for example lack of sex but it takes two of us and says I treat him like a mate. I reminded him that the last few times it's either been because he's fallen to sleep, he's felt ill or not had a shower but in all honesty I haven't been in the mood either and I'm not up for it if he's ignored me all day. I'd love to dress up to get his attention, etc but a bit difficult with kids and noone to help out with them


 you are saying it all there are not many come here and say what life is like 
have a look at this 








5 signs your marriage has gone cold - Hella Life


Has your relationship been feeling a little, well... boring? Try these tips to give it a jumpstart.




www.considerable.com


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## Lonelywife82 (Jul 31, 2021)

I don't know how much to put up with that's the issue but I can't carry on if it's affecting me. He tends to work all week and then do jobs at weekend and I've heard the 'ill knock the weekend work on the head" but this has yet to happen. 

One of the things he likes to say is i should keep on top of the house as I'm at home...granted I am but working! He also says I let the kids mess it up. When I ask for help he complains because I don't get the kids to help too. How can I expect the boys to if their father won't?!?!


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Lonelywife82 said:


> I don't know how much to put up with


You shouldn't put up with it. You should seek to discuss it with him, express your feelings, see if you can find some "common ground"..... and use the "n" word.......NEGOTIATE.

He gives you what you want, you give him what he wants.....


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## Lonelywife82 (Jul 31, 2021)

TJW said:


> I don't know if you can relate, or if this offers you any help. If it doesn't relate to your situation, please totally disregard it.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thanks but definitely not relatable. I would never joke at the expense of my husband if I even thought for a second it would hurt his feelings.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Lonelywife82 said:


> He always says if you're not happy you know where the door is..


Sounds to me like he's checked out of the marriage. ^^This^^ shuts down any conversation you want to have about the situation.

I'd say he's done with the marriage and is finding fulfillment with his friends ad work. Just speculating here, but do you think he could be involved with another woman?


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## Lonelywife82 (Jul 31, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> Sounds to me like he's checked out of the marriage. ^^This^^ shuts down any conversation you want to have about the situation.
> 
> I'd say he's done with the marriage and is finding fulfillment with his friends ad work. Just speculating here, but do you think he could be involved with another woman?


In all honesty no I don't think he is. He has done before and I know his tell tale signs like never leaves him phone around, changing password, sneaky phone calls, and in all honesty the sex was more often...maybe a way of not raising suspicion. That was a long time ago though and I have no reason not to trust him now.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I'm getting the impression that your husband cheated a long time ago. I apologize if my conclusion is incorrect. Still, he's gone a lot and when he's home he's not an active participant in the marriage. Frankly, if a man told me to put up or shut up ("You know where the door is ..."), I wouldn't be keen on saving the marriage.

Sadly, we've had many folks post here who swore up and down that there was no way their partner was cheating, only to find out that is exactly what their partner was doing. 

Even if your husband isn't cheating, he's obviously finding more fulfillment with other people. You've tried talking. That doesn't seem to work. If he doesn't want to listen to you or meet you half way, I don't think there's anything you can do. One person can't save a marriage.


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## Lonelywife82 (Jul 31, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> I'm getting the impression that your husband cheated a long time ago. I apologize if my conclusion is incorrect. Still, he's gone a lot and when he's home he's not an active participant in the marriage. Frankly, if a man told me to put up or shut up ("You know where the door is ..."), I wouldn't be keen on saving the marriage.
> 
> Sadly, we've had many folks post here who swore up and down that there was no way their partner was cheating, only to find out that is exactly what their partner was doing.
> 
> Even if your husband isn't cheating, he's obviously finding more fulfillment with other people. You've tried talking. That doesn't seem to work. If he doesn't want to listen to you or meet you half way, I don't think there's anything you can do. One person can't save a marriage.


Yes he did cheat a long time ago but that's in the past. I'm more concerned about now. He's not got any fight in him to save our marriage and I'm getting to the point of giving up. He's said he's looked for houses after me telling him to leave last night so maybe this is the end. I always end up feeling guilty but I can't fix it if he's not willing . Thanks for your comments it's really appreciated


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Lonelywife82 said:


> In all honesty no I don't think he is. He has done before and I know his tell tale signs like never leaves him phone around, changing password, sneaky phone calls, and in all honesty the sex was more often...maybe a way of not raising suspicion. That was a long time ago though and I have no reason not to trust him now.


Uh yeah you DO have a reason not to trust him.... because he has already cheated. We’re things even as bad back then as they are now??

Is he dumb? Is he going to do a replay of the things that got him caught before????

Now I’m not saying he is or is not cheating now. But given he has documented cheating in his past, his disregarding and passive-aggressive attitude now, don’t be naive and don’t ignore the glaring red flags.


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

Lonelywife82 said:


> Where do I even begin?!?! I've been married for nearly 10 years, together for nearly 15. Our marriage seems to have hit a bump in the road. I do love my husband but things are starting to get to me...constant lockdown hasn't helped much being stuck in all the time. I'm working from home as well as having 3 kids to look after. My hubby isn't here much and feels like he's always finds other things to do. He doesn't help with the kids or the housework and everything seems to left to me. He's recently lost his job, although has another set up to start in a weeks time, but he still has been out of the house a lot helping other people, sometimes paid work sometimes not. Sex life is non existent which is down to both of us as we don't make the effort. The thing that really gets to me the most is the lack of communication. He can spend a long time on the phone with his mates having a right good chat or even when visiting people but when he comes home he's too tired and then sits on his phone watching videos etc. I try and gauge conversations but get one word answers. Sometimes when he's at home he even might treat himself to an afternoon kip. This morning I was prepping tea, sorting the washing and cleaning the kitchen as well as entertaining our youngest. He sat there on his phone. I've tried talking to him but we end up arguing. Is it really the end? I'm not even sure what I want anymore. I know I'd be so unhappy without him but also unhappy the way it is.


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

if I was ever told “ you know where the door is” I would be furious and shocked. Good luck he’s checked out xx


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

Lonelywife82 said:


> Where do I even begin?!?! I've been married for nearly 10 years, together for nearly 15. Our marriage seems to have hit a bump in the road. I do love my husband but things are starting to get to me...constant lockdown hasn't helped much being stuck in all the time. I'm working from home as well as having 3 kids to look after. My hubby isn't here much and feels like he's always finds other things to do. He doesn't help with the kids or the housework and everything seems to left to me. He's recently lost his job, although has another set up to start in a weeks time, but he still has been out of the house a lot helping other people, sometimes paid work sometimes not. Sex life is non existent which is down to both of us as we don't make the effort. The thing that really gets to me the most is the lack of communication. He can spend a long time on the phone with his mates having a right good chat or even when visiting people but when he comes home he's too tired and then sits on his phone watching videos etc. I try and gauge conversations but get one word answers. Sometimes when he's at home he even might treat himself to an afternoon kip. This morning I was prepping tea, sorting the washing and cleaning the kitchen as well as entertaining our youngest. He sat there on his phone. I've tried talking to him but we end up arguing. Is it really the end? I'm not even sure what I want anymore. I know I'd be so unhappy without him but also unhappy the way it is.


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

I came on here over 10 years ago I wanted advice on my husband playing too much sport and working late etc, he had no time for me. People questioned if I thought he was having an affair and I absolutely categorically said “ no” as he’s not the type to do this. But an affair he was having. He checked out of the marriage years before. We’ve been divorced now for 3 years after 20 years of marriage.

I feel your pain I wish you all the best.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lonelywife82 said:


> Where do I even begin?!?! I've been married for nearly 10 years, together for nearly 15. Our marriage seems to have hit a bump in the road. I do love my husband but things are starting to get to me...constant lockdown hasn't helped much being stuck in all the time. I'm working from home as well as having 3 kids to look after. My hubby isn't here much and feels like he's always finds other things to do. He doesn't help with the kids or the housework and everything seems to left to me. He's recently lost his job, although has another set up to start in a weeks time, but he still has been out of the house a lot helping other people, sometimes paid work sometimes not. Sex life is non existent which is down to both of us as we don't make the effort. The thing that really gets to me the most is the lack of communication. He can spend a long time on the phone with his mates having a right good chat or even when visiting people but when he comes home he's too tired and then sits on his phone watching videos etc. I try and gauge conversations but get one word answers. Sometimes when he's at home he even might treat himself to an afternoon kip. This morning I was prepping tea, sorting the washing and cleaning the kitchen as well as entertaining our youngest. He sat there on his phone. I've tried talking to him but we end up arguing. Is it really the end? I'm not even sure what I want anymore. I know I'd be so unhappy without him but also unhappy the way it is.


Sadly it sounds like your marriage is has gotten to a state that far too many marriages do. Have hear of the *The Walk-away Wife Syndrome*? Here's an article about it that you might recognize yourself in.

The good thing is that there are things that can be done to restructure and rebuild your relationship.

Get the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". They will tell you why this happens in a marriage and how to fix it. My suggestion is that you read the books yourself first and do the work that they say to do. Then sit him down and let him know that you are profoundly unhappy with things the way they are, and ask him to read the books with you and do the work with you.

The reason for you reading the books first is so that you understand the plan and what needs to be done. The books will help you figure out what to say to him.


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## Lonelywife82 (Jul 31, 2021)

I don't want to sound naive but I honestly don't believe he's cheating. I have access to his phone if I ever wanted to and I sort the phone bill out so I have all itemised bills and I have nosed against my better will and there's nothing to suggest he's up to no good.

I think the issue is we've become more like mates and don't communicate or do anything anymore. We can't be spontaneous or have an amazing sex life because I'll admit I have a 12 year old boy wall to wall and get paranoid so it usually consists of a quick 5 minute job but im lucky if that's once a week anymore. We don't have anyone to watch the kids and I'm working from home so I'm literally stuck in all day every day and as sad as it is I don't have friends...I suppose I'm a bit of a loner which is my own doing. My life resolves around home and kids.

I do love my husband and can't imagine life without him but as a poster said it takes two to sort a marriage out.


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

Sure x my ex had a second mobile phone sadly. I honestly hope you both come through this.


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## Lonelywife82 (Jul 31, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Uh yeah you DO have a reason not to trust him.... because he has already cheated. We’re things even as bad back then as they are now??
> 
> Is he dumb? Is he going to do a replay of the things that got him caught before????
> 
> Now I’m not saying he is or is not cheating now. But given he has documented cheating in his past, his disregarding and passive-aggressive attitude now, don’t be naive and don’t ignore the glaring red flags.


Things aren't as bad now we've just grown apart I suppose. I'd never excuse what he did but I lost him altogether back then, he'd just lost his sister to cancer and then his mum 6 months later and it changed everything. He was totally shut off and a lot worse than now.


itskaren said:


> Sure x my ex had a second mobile phone sadly. I honestly hope you both come through this.


Thank you. This is true there's always ways around it and I'm not stupid but at the same time I don't want to get paranoid as it literally gave me a breakdown and had taken a long time to trust him again. I will however be very wary because I suppose you just never know.


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

Lonelywife82 said:


> Things aren't as bad now we've just grown apart I suppose. I'd never excuse what he did but I lost him altogether back then, he'd just lost his sister to cancer and then his mum 6 months later and it changed everything. He was totally shut off and a lot worse than now.
> 
> 
> Thank you. This is true there's always ways around it and I'm not stupid but at the same time I don't want to get paranoid as it literally gave me a breakdown and had taken a long time to trust him again. I will however be very wary because I suppose you just never know.


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

Sorry I’m not trying to make you paranoid. I’m still dumbfounded and that was 11 years ago! I’ll never get over it. I guess it’s better to be lonely on your own than being lonely in a marriage. It is for me anyway.


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## Lonelywife82 (Jul 31, 2021)

itskaren said:


> Sorry I’m not trying to make you paranoid. I’m still dumbfounded and that was 11 years ago! I’ll never get over it. I guess it’s better to be lonely on your own than being lonely in a marriage. It is for me anyway.


You're right and thank you


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

If he has cheated before, you will need to keep your eyes open. If he's not getting sex at home where is he getting it? 

You are right that both people have to work to keep a marriage together but right now you have to address your need for human adult interaction. Lock downs working from home & caring for your kids has left you drained. You need to build some me time in here too. What did you do before lock downs to find joy? Do you have friends you can reconnect with, even over zoom? Friendships can nourish your soul so when you feel connected to the world again that should improve your self confidence & overall wellness which should in turn make you more attractive.


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## Lonelywife82 (Jul 31, 2021)

D0nnivain said:


> If he has cheated before, you will need to keep your eyes open. If he's not getting sex at home where is he getting it?
> 
> You are right that both people have to work to keep a marriage together but right now you have to address your need for human adult interaction. Lock downs working from home & caring for your kids has left you drained. You need to build some me time in here too. What did you do before lock downs to find joy? Do you have friends you can reconnect with, even over zoom? Friendships can nourish your soul so when you feel connected to the world again that should improve your self confidence & overall wellness which should in turn make you more attractive.


I don't have friends which I know is totally unhealthy. My life is work and my boys. I've concentrated so much on the boys and career that I haven't made time to meet new people. I do plan on doing though


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## Goobertron (Aug 14, 2012)

Is it possible to spend some time just the two of you together and go for a walk or a picnic or something. It worries me he's switched off. It also worries me he doesn't seem motivated to use the time off to spend time with you or the kids or do little jobs to occupy time around the house but is looking to escape. Perhaps a date night or an opportunity to bond in nature or something would do wonders. Some times I just have to step out of the house to clear my head.

If he couldn't be bothered having a shower and is falling asleep during sex etc. I worry he's either got an alcohol problem and is hiding the drinking and/or has an emotional affair on the go. By not sleeping with you he is being true to the other. This can also explain a lot of distance. I'd almost prefer this to total indifference and apathy but that there could just be depression. Maybe he feels lost after losing his job and insecure in the current Covid environment and is kind of shutting down emotionally and doesn't want to scare you. He should talk to a doctor or therapist as he may have depression which is pretty common. For me regular exercise and eating lots of fruit and veg helps with that. Focusing on diet and exercise can really help someone in other parts of their lives become more motivated, lift mood, and improve sexual appetite.

You mentioned not having friends. I empathise with you there as I was like that for many years until recently. I started catching up and playing games with an old friend of mine (from many years back) and invited my brother and he invited a friend from work etc. Just having a couple of people I can chat with about a hobby and life and have a laugh with is enough for me. See if you can join a mother's group or a book club or a walking group or something or connect with someone you have something in common with locally. That way you get more socialisation from other adults.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I've heard guys on here say they quit doing anything for their wives simply because there was no sex. It's juvenile, but it's more common than you think. Do you even want to stay married under the circumstances? You can't talk to him and you two are not having sex, and he's not engaged in taking part in the domestic stuff, so what are you, his maid? 

What kind of example is that setting for your kids? They'll think that's normal. If the marriage is dead, get out of it, make him take 50 percent custody and do half the kid work for the first time, and that leaves you with equal time off as with the kids, just like him, so you can go get a job and work and even have a social life. But do NOT just take the kids or you'll be stuck unable to work and make a living for the rest of your life. He might appreciate you more after he sees what it's like doing half.


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## Lonelywife82 (Jul 31, 2021)

Goobertron said:


> Is it possible to spend some time just the two of you together and go for a walk or a picnic or something. It worries me he's switched off. It also worries me he doesn't seem motivated to use the time off to spend time with you or the kids or do little jobs to occupy time around the house but is looking to escape. Perhaps a date night or an opportunity to bond in nature or something would do wonders. Some times I just have to step out of the house to clear my head.
> 
> If he couldn't be bothered having a shower and is falling asleep during sex etc. I worry he's either got an alcohol problem and is hiding the drinking and/or has an emotional affair on the go. By not sleeping with you he is being true to the other. This can also explain a lot of distance. I'd almost prefer this to total indifference and apathy but that there could just be depression. Maybe he feels lost after losing his job and insecure in the current Covid environment and is kind of shutting down emotionally and doesn't want to scare you. He should talk to a doctor or therapist as he may have depression which is pretty common. For me regular exercise and eating lots of fruit and veg helps with that. Focusing on diet and exercise can really help someone in other parts of their lives become more motivated, lift mood, and improve sexual appetite.
> 
> You mentioned not having friends. I empathise with you there as I was like that for many years until recently. I started catching up and playing games with an old friend of mine (from many years back) and invited my brother and he invited a friend from work etc. Just having a couple of people I can chat with about a hobby and life and have a laugh with is enough for me. See if you can join a mother's group or a book club or a walking group or something or connect with someone you have something in common with locally. That way you get more socialisation from other adults.


Thank you. He has just lost his job but says he's at the point of simply can't be bothered doing anything anymore but I'm not sure if I've got to that point also. 

It's difficult doing things as we have 3 boys and no one to watch them. My eldest is 12 now so I keep saying to myself just a little longer and he can help out watching them.

He definitely doesn't have an alcohol problem and barely drinks. I think maybe he's missing the social life with his mates because it seems to be all work at the moment. 

He is sleeping an awful lot at the moment and wonder if he's depressed.


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## Lonelywife82 (Jul 31, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I've heard guys on here say they quit doing anything for their wives simply because there was no sex. It's juvenile, but it's more common than you think. Do you even want to stay married under the circumstances? You can't talk to him and you two are not having sex, and he's not engaged in taking part in the domestic stuff, so what are you, his maid?
> 
> What kind of example is that setting for your kids? They'll think that's normal. If the marriage is dead, get out of it, make him take 50 percent custody and do half the kid work for the first time, and that leaves you with equal time off as with the kids, just like him, so you can go get a job and work and even have a social life. But do NOT just take the kids or you'll be stuck unable to work and make a living for the rest of your life. He might appreciate you more after he sees what it's like doing half.


I do work full time but work from home at the moment and have done for 18 months since pandemic so maybe that's getting to me. I also had some law exams in June so I've been stressed a bit with being stuck at home, studying for exams, homeschooling as well as looking after the boys and house. 

I've managed it all somehow but would be nice for us to feel like a family...at the moment I feel like a single parent.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Lonelywife82 said:


> I do work full time but work from home at the moment and have done for 18 months since pandemic so maybe that's getting to me. I also had some law exams in June so I've been stressed a bit with being stuck at home, studying for exams, homeschooling as well as looking after the boys and house.
> 
> I've managed it all somehow but would be nice for us to feel like a family...at the moment I feel like a single parent.


You certainly have a full plate and he should be helping more. He's not being a good partner for whatever reason that led up to it. You should get your kids back in school.


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

I’ve lived on my own now for the past two years after 20 years of marriage. Yes it can be very lonely but still 100% better than being alone with someone else. Good luck x


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