# Confused........



## daized_confused (Mar 22, 2010)

Hello, I'm new to the forum and have been reading for hours on some of the threads. 

This is my first marriage and have been married for 10 years this year, and have three kids ranging from 9 to 3. Like many people, I married my wife with the notion "I think I love her" because we were together for 3 years, seemed to tolerate each other well and had occasional fun. I never knew what being "in love" really felt, but I figured I was in it. Well, we got married in 2000 and had a planned pregnancy very soon after. Our focus became 100% to our son which started to distract from our marriage. We didn't go out anymore as a couple, the affective was less, and the bedroom was only for sleeping. My daughter came two years later, and things progressively got worse. I used to tell my wife we need to go out, but she wouldn't because only her mother could watch the kids-no one else was capable in her mind. After our second child, my wants and needs started to change again and I wanted more in our relationship. Continuously, I told her we need to spend more time just the two of us, but this never happened. When she approached me on having a third child, I told her it will ruin our marriage based on how I perceived things were going. She kept pushing it, so we tried and conceived our third child.

The last 5 years I always treated her as a person and respected her as a mother. I would push on the issue of "us" but this was never a priority for her. As the years went on, her manners to me would constantly be negative comments if I went out with friends, family, on trips, about work, basically anything. I would constantly state I'm tired of the comments and negative remarks, but it continued. With this, my feelings for her would continue to chip away. I got to the point that I was unhappy on a daily basis. We basically co-existed together and that's about it. Friends, work associates, and family even would say how do you put up with her, but my personality is very easy going, which I think was an issue for me know.

Then, especially the last 2 years, my wife started to threaten me with taking the kids away and moving back to where she grew up- 2 hours away. One day she actually thought I left the house with the kids and would never come back. This broke me for the final time. At this time, it was like a brick wall was erected and my feelings for her were shut off. We first argued, and then I told her that I can't take her personality any longer, and detailed out all of my frustrations again. This wasn't the first time I time I told her all this, it was constant reminders, just not in full like now. I told her in a calm way I'm not going to take her negative comments, actions, disrespectful attitude towards me any longer, and I think it may be best we get a divorce. She was shocked, and said I should have confronted her earlier, which I did many times but she didn't care. We decided to go to a marriage therapist, and started ASAP. The therapist basically said that my wife's life was 100% about the kids and she is very scheduled. She couldn't account for why there was continued negativity or threatening comments or actions.

Because I was so unhappy, I did all my homework about a divorce and the only thing that has kept me is my relationship with my kids. I look at them every day and still think "I don't ever want to not see them on a daily basis". Our therapist continues to say that we should not stay together because of the kids, but this in reality is the only thing that is keeping me at this point. I'm tired of being mentally exhausted about this, and also feel that life is too short to stay in a relationship like I have. I would say the therapy has helped in terms of how my wife is treating me a little, but it seems to be to coached versus natural. Also, it's been 4 months of sessions and I technically do want to make this work for the best of the kids, but my heart is saying she hurt me so much in the past, how is my feelings ever going to change.

Last week I had to go out of town with work, and I got the same old disrespectful comments for two days straight. I told her I didn't appreciate it, yet it continued. With this, I feel our personalities are so different and our wants and needs are also. Even through this whole process she has stated "she has been happy", this is what kills me. She has not showed any signs of any type of affection towards me for years, nor me to her, and she is happy. This has changed now, but I don't want it. Can I ever open up my heart again for someone that has given me so much pain??

If anyone has any input, I would really appreciate it........ Sorry for the long post......................


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