# So much to say don't know where to begin.



## Cryingmisfit (Jun 25, 2013)

I need advice badly.
I'm married 24 years this August. The last 8 years have been very difficult. 
Most of my marraige I've been a stay at home wife. I did some private one on one training sessions but nothing big time. 

8 years ago my husband decided to retire from the NYPD after working for 22 years. I thought the decision was rushed since he had no idea what he wanted to do, if he would do anything at all, plus we had two young children. I wasn't even 40 years old. 

We had a major fight then where he basically told me it was not my F$&@?n decision. I was terribly hurt and to be honest, I felt betrayed, belittled, and not worth much. It was as if I was one of his "things".

At that point I decided to pursue an education for my love of yoga. He fought me all the way. Turning 40 made me realize I didn't need his permission to spend money to further my education.ni wrote a check out and this infuriated him. He's a control freak and I enabled that over the years.

This for me is when our relationship started to shift. He would tell me "oh I'm just going to take off a couple of months and get a job". All this time behind my back he would laugh and tell our friends I'm going to do whatever I want for at least a year. 

I will admit the deeper I explored yoga and spiritual philosophy I started to view people and their actions differently. Of course he didn't like that either.

Then a huge blow hit us both. Our youngest son, 11 years old at the time became very ill. It was months of doctor visits, his health getting worse and worse, and many invasive medical procedures. 
We were both at a loss and devastated because we couldn't do anything for our son. 
My yoga career was on the fast track but came to a screeching halt as my son wanted me there at his side. he was so small and frail he would crawl up into a ball in my lap and hold me tight. He was scared.

My husband was and is your typical binge drinker. Responsible, great father, fantastic provider, great with my parents, etc.... But since retiring, his drinking was becoming a problem for me which in turn caused uncomfortable situations for the family too. 

Because of the experience of having a child with a life long illness (eventually diagnosed with severe Crohns Colitis, on intravenous Remicade) our social group started to deteriorate. My husband blames me. I will accept that I know longer wanted to be with shallow friends who couldn't be there to support me when my career was going well and especially when my heart was sick for months not knowing what was wrong with my son.

Sorry this is long, you need the back story.

Over these past few years my husband likes to remind me he worked at a job. I got him that job because I cried to my girlfriend I couldn't take him being home all the time. He barked orders at USA all the time (former captain on NYPD), he didnt clean up after himself, would go out drinking 2-3 times a week and it was always mid day drinking so he would come home just in time to sit for dinner. It's like walking on eggshells, never knowing what will set him off or into a rage. Then of course it's passing our on the couch in the den anytime between 5-7 p.m. My girlfriend convinced her husband to hire on my husband. That was for almost 18 months but it took its toll on our relationship and they let him go. 

For me, this has been a slow progressive state of depression. It's caused fights over and over again. Here he was collecting a nice pension and unemployment. We lacked for nothing so he couldn't understand why I was unhappy. I HATED his drinking. AND he thought it was ok for him to drink and drive, because he though
That he wasn't drunk.

Now I've come to learn he's also mismanaged our finances in the past few years. Things are so tight. We lived a good life. We lived in a very nice upper middle class home, drove luxury cars, took vacations, etc.....not the case now. Far from it. 

Also in the past four years I started a yoga apparel business. It was never meant to go in this direction. I started hand painting and designing random pieces when my son was first diagnosed. I had to stop teaching yoga so I could be home for him. I decided to absorb myself in artwork so that I could stop crying and focus my mind on other things. The yoga, the meditations, everything just made me mad. I actually had a Tibetan Buddhist tell me to breathe and relax. Can you imagine? Like that was going to bring life to my son who was near death. 

So moving forward to now, I have a very successful yoga apparel company. I can't move it forward because I do everything and every cent I make is pushed right back into purchasing inventory or product development. I've been trying for 2 years to get to the manufacturing phase so I can start to wholesale. I've asked my husband to help. He starts with some small task then finds a reason why he can't complete it.

I will say thank god my youngest son is in remission but I can't stand that this Remicade he receives every 8 weeks is like chemo with many bad side effects. This disease has authentically changed my son from a happy go lucky kid to a somewhat closed down person who has serious issues with cleanliness and germs. 

My oldest graduated college last year with a bachelor's in Criminal Justice. Hes always wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, hopefully makiing Inspector. Took the NYPD exam a few years back. Made it through all interviews and exams up until the physchological. He failed that. Another heart breaker. So now we are proceeding with a long, lengthy and expensive lawsuit which rarely comes out with good results. My older son's spirit is now broken. All of his friends have taken the test. His best friend is entering the academy tomorrow. My son should have been with the next class. 

Another reason for my husband to drink. 

I snapped recently at a family function. This was it for both of us. I told him I might want to drink so no drinking for him. I always have to be the babysitter and DD. I wasn't going to drink a lot because I had a lot of orders to work on the next day. He immediately thought that meant he could drink. 5beers down in one hour. Infuriated me. He looks for any excuse to drink and once he does its hard for him to stop. The rare times we do go out to events, I'm always uptight because he will drink too much abd become aggressive and belligerent with me. And of course once again I have to be the designated driver.

I've been wanting to get out for years but have been too weak minded, scared of the unknown. I worry about my boys. This can and probably will cause a Crohns flair in my youngest. 

I left that family party with my parents. Our in laws wanted us to come back to their home for a few drinks but I knew what that meant for me. I was done. He abviously is done too. He told his sister and brother in law he can't take this **** anymore. Now the whole family knows.

He makes me out to be the witch. They encourage him to hang and drink. Yeah, he's fun for everyone else but me. 

We tried to talk for a few days after, but the reality is we just have nothing in common. To go out with him is dinner and drinking, always lots of drinking. Vacations are always around casinos and drinking. 

I just hate this life. I am physically beautiful, a smart entrepreneur, and a loving person. I feel like I deserve so much more. Even my parents, who love my husband (he has many good qualities) say life is too short to be miserable.

I'm crippled with fear. He's accumulated so much debt that we will barely walk away with $100,000 each and that is if we don't fight it out, which I'm sure we will. He is a very demanding and intimidating man. 

I look at 24 years of accumulating everything in this house and just cry. My doctor gave me Xanax. I can't eat as I have no appetite. The other day I took 2 Xanax and had three glasses of wine. This was 4th of July. By 7:30 I had thrown up and was laying on the bathroom floor. My husband did take care of me but he was happy because I was drinking with him. What he doesn't know is I was trying to numb myself. 

I don't know what to do, where to go?
I'm so lost. I'm sad but know this can't work anymore. I want more from life. Sometimes I think how easy it would be to swallow that whole bottle of Xanax so I would have to feel anything anymore.

I just am so scared


----------



## MrsDraper (May 27, 2013)

Do not swallow the bottle of Xanax. If you feel like that - contact your doctor and / or go to the ER. You can even call 911. Tell them your story just like you did here. No one will blame you for feeling overwhelmed. I felt overwhelmed reading your post. Let's break this down. 

You have SO MUCH going on.

1) You are a mom. You have to deal with your child's illness and another child who is trying to figure out what to do with his job / career. This takes a toll on you. The job issue - this can and will work itself out. The illness - I think that it is possible that working with a therapist for your son to help both him and you function when he gets sick could be SUPER helpful. I work in pediatrics and severe illnesses like this take a huge toll on the kid, the parents - and their marriage. It also takes a huge affect on their siblings. Therapy can help with coping skills. I see that he gets really sick after treatments and also has developed some fears about germs (hey, that is reasonable). Therapy will help work through some of that. 


2) Your yoga practice. A couple different things:
A) I would love for you to be able to go back to being able to do yoga for yourself. Just individual yoga. So you can re-center and be able to use it to ground yourself. If you can, that would be great. 
B) If you can start teaching some individual yoga classes to some people, that might make YOU feel better. You could work it into your schedule and it would give you some control. Living in NYC, you might have the ability to find some private clients who want to practice with a private instructor. 
C) Definitely continue with your yoga apparel business. If it is really starting to take off, look into hiring some help if you can. Again, this is about giving you a sense of purpose and control. 


3) Relationship with your spouse. He has to control the drinking. He will need support from you, but talk to him. Tell him that you think he has a problem. You need him there for you and your kid. You can't do it alone - you need a partner back. Even if you do not stay married, he will need t be your partner when it come to caring for your chronically ill child. Ask him about MC (I know, we all say it). If he wants to go to AA, support him and go too. When I was in my nursing training, I went to AA meetings - they are actually very supportive to families. My husband's mother was an alcoholic and she goes several times a week - 10 years sober. I have encouraged him to go. 

4) Don't drink with the xanax, but I think that medication could be helpful for you if your doctor thinks it is. But it shouldn't have you on the floor crying. But, at the same time - you have SO MUCH going on. I would ask for something that doesn't make you check out, but instead something that instead helps you relax so you can focus on what is going on so you can handle each task as it comes. You might need a xanax occasionally. Maybe you need to be treated for depression. But I would not be completely anti-medication - if you are having a hard time, meds might smooth a path for you while things even out. If you can get into individual counseling when you go with your son, I think it might help - I would ask for individual sessions and for family sessions. 

5) I'm in a different boat than you, but it is on the same river. My MC has told me that divorce is more stressful than the death of a spouse. I'm trying to keep that in mind as I try to work through my issues with my husband. Divorcing might be the last thing you need - putting the marriage issues on hold and your marriage on cruise might be helpful. Work on the other stuff first, and support your spouse and try to get him involved in your life again. It sounds like he has checked out. Get yourself in a better place - get grounded again. If you can resolve the other issues and get yourself in a healthier place, you might find that the marriage is better OR that you are now better prepared to move forward with your divorce. But you want to be in a good emotional state when you move forward if that is the case.

6) Try to get into a counselor ASAP. Then, if you can, try to get into someone who can prescribe meds - a real psych doc. They know what they are doing better than family practice or internal med. They can help you a lot better. I am so sorry you are going through this.

7) If the husband becomes more aggressive - which he sounds at least borderline - and he doesn't want to work on it at all - consider finding a way to leave the home with your children (like your parents home). If he becomes abusive, leave immediately. Your life is too short. You will be able to do a lot more and don't deserve to be treated badly - especially by someone who is circling the drain and not wanting to get better for you or his kids.


----------



## Cryingmisfit (Jun 25, 2013)

MrsDraper (can't help but think Og gorgeous Don Draper)

I know everything you are saying is right on target. Promise, I won't swallow all my Xanax but I'd be lying if I didn't say I haven't thought about it.

I'm kind of in a "checked out" place right now.

My husband will tell me we will both work on changing. I want to believe him too. I still love him.

He won't change. He doesn't want to.

I don't want to live knowing I won't experience travel, yoga im erosions, wanderlust, lots of stuff. I want more than he can give.

It's just sad and I am sad because he has been the rock for all of us. 

On a side note, he also finds my Babygirl and baby boy pugs. I love them to death.

Sooooooo sad. Was crying in my pool earlier thinking this will probably be the last summer I do this.


And to think my family was talking about moving to start fresh for all of us.

I know......breathe


----------



## MrsDraper (May 27, 2013)

Cryingmisfit said:


> MrsDraper (can't help but think Og gorgeous Don Draper)
> 
> I know everything you are saying is right on target. Promise, I won't swallow all my Xanax but I'd be lying if I didn't say I haven't thought about it.
> 
> ...


I know, Draper is hot! I wish I was Mrs. Draper. 

Re: your husband - do you think he is having a hard time since he quit his job? That could explain the drinking, the overspending, the aggression... a lot of people have a REALLY hard time when they quit a job / retire - especially something like police work. Couple that with your sons illness...that could be tough. Do you think that might be part of it? Do you think he would go to marriage counseling with you and family counseling?

Was a move something you wanted to do? If so, could it decrease his / your stress level? Would a move help with the finances? I know that was part of the stress. I know some areas are less costly than others. 

Another thought I just had - I know that my job has access to financial planners that can help. So does my credit union. Have you thought about looking into that to see if they have any ideas on the financial stuff? I know that for a while, my husband and I had a house on the market and our house because of a relocation - it was really stressful! Even a little financial stress can set people on edge, so I think that your world changing in that regard could be contributing to your feelings. 

You have a lot going on. I can see why you are sad and upset. But I think that validating that YES, you have a lot going on is important. If your husband wants to work with you and wants to comfort you - go to him. Maybe he wants you just as much as you want him.


----------



## Cryingmisfit (Jun 25, 2013)

We've tried so many times. W've gone to therapy a few times. Eaxch time he made me out to be over reactive. I'm done. When one person says they have a problem in their family with alcohol, there is a problem. How can anyone take the word of the one who drinks and causes the problems. My husband is very convincing and as stated before has a large intimidating presence. 

And yes, I did/do want to move. We were waiting for my oldest to get into the police academy and then we were going to put the house on the market. But now with the appeal process, that was put on hold. 

I wanted to relocate to a warmer climate (easier on my joints with the work I do) and knew we could find a nice home with a possible in-law house on same premises for my younger son. 

The problem, and it has always been a problem, that when he does drink he binges. There's no doubt in my mind that dealing with being one of the long term responders to the twin towers was hard, retiring, yes he admits he retired to early now but nothing can be done with that, my son, we can't do anything but be there for support. Well, there is a lot of **** on his end too and I'm sure I'm one of them. 

He doesn't like the way I changed. And I know I did. I wanted to be his world. I wanted to have the cleanest house, the best home cooked meals, be the best party planner, etc..... and for a long time I was. But as I aged (which I think most women go through this) I wanted more. I started to realize just how much I lost of myself. I didn't lim him throwing little put down digs at me in front of friends. I started to talk back and that embarrassed him. I also decided I didn't need his permission to do the most basic things. He didn't like that.

At one point during my transitional stage while going through my 500 RYT yoga training he actually said "either it's me or the yoga". Well, as you could see the yoga won out. 

If I said let's go to spain, he would say "No" and that meant I couldn't go either. At some point I said to myself, this is bull****. I have to live out the rest of my life with him dictating what, where, when and with whom I can go or do something?

Yes, I could sacrifice that but not to live with a man who has no motivation to make himself a better person or #1 factor, a man who's main enjoyment comes from sitting in a bar all afternoon getting drunk with older men. There are so many older men sitting in bars all day getting drunk and playing the horses on those damn OTB machines. 

I never wanted this. I want a partner in life, a partner in business, a friend and most importantly, a compassionate lover. 

I have none of that. 

I am overwhelmed. We have a 10 room home packed to the rim with a life of stuff. I have no idea how I am going to go through it all. I look and feel like crumbling down to the ground crying. 

Just thinking about disrupting my business and packing everything up....I have so much machinery, fabric, paints, supplies....I have one room dedicated to sewing and design, one room (huge Diningroom) dedicated for cutting patterns and half my garage for dying fabrics. All this stuff is a truck load in itself. 

I know I sound like I am getting past myself but we both know it's over. Now it's dealing with all the after **** that truly sucks.

I'm sorry about typos and curses. I'm so frustrated. I wish I could run away for awhile to get my head to gather. 

When does the strength kick in. He's being calm right now but I know I will have to deal with many terrifying times of his screaming and ranting. I truly hate conflict. All I ever wanted is peace and calm, that is why I turned to yoga to begin with


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

The strength will kick in once you face your truth...that you will have nothing that you want in your life unless you leave this abusive man. You need to find your anger, anger strengthens and empowers. Tell yourself you are no longer going to be his victim. You WILL get through his screaming and ranting, those childish controlling actions cannot do anything to you physically. Turn yourself to stone against it. 

You are done here, you just need to admit it to yourself.


----------



## Cryingmisfit (Jun 25, 2013)

I know I need to find the anger again. But right now I'm fuming that he threw out my favorite pan to make rice. I sitting here crying of anger. I hate this

I feel so alone. I have no one to talk to.....no one


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Captain, NYPD, you say? Many of these fellows can't separate themselves and the job. They are treated like entitled princes. They're never wrong. I'm sure you know that. 

Here find a meeting. This may help with coping. You will be able to talk to someone IRL there. You will be welcomed.

Welcome to Al-Anon Family Groups

Sorry your here, good luck.


----------



## Cryingmisfit (Jun 25, 2013)

anchorwatch said:


> Captain, NYPD, you say? Many of these fellows can't separate themselves and the job. They are treated like entitled princes. They're never wrong. I'm sure you know that.
> 
> Here find a meeting. This may help with coping. You will be able to talk to someone IRL there. You will be welcomed.
> 
> ...


Don't I know that all too well. It makes sense, no one is allowed to talk back to them. He retired and became the Captain/Enforcer. 
I lived so many years with his irregular hours, barely being here for many special and important milestones. All the sudden he retires at 42 years old and thinks he's going to tell us all how to do it his way while he sits around eating and watching TV all day, or worse, go out drinking with the boys all day.

Wow, got to tell you, life just kept on getting rougher for me and easier for him.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Holidays? Milestones? Yeah that's tough on a family. The family always pays. It doesn't sound like he thinks he has to make up lost time to you or rekindle the relationship. He has to learn to become husband and father again. One forgets you don't wear the that badge at home. If he won't, you can't make him. You'll need to separate yourself. Maybe he'll wake up before you're gone.

It's hard to separate that life and transition into a relatively benign civilian life. The military has programs to transition. Not the city.


----------



## MrsDraper (May 27, 2013)

I agree with Anchor. I have several family members who are cops - not NYPD or anything of that nature, and I love them dearly - but they are control freaks. 

Someone who experienced trauma (twin towers) and also had a high level of control (Captain) in a place like NYC - prime candidate for having issues. Cops do have a high rate of spousal / family abuse as well (hate to say it). The only reason I know it is because my cousin who is a cop told me that they were warned about it in academy. I remember that they offered resource programs, especially after disaster relief. We don't have a high rate of murder or violent crime where I came from before I moved to my current location. 

Of course - I don't life your life. But I bet that when your spouse retired, it got worse because he had no outlet except to control you. I'm sorry about the pan. It's another effort to control you and irritate.

In a lot of ways, I feel bad giving advice because I'm having my own issues. But I felt / feel really alone a lot, especially in the past several months. I did have a relocation - so I didn't know a lot of people. My family wasn't near me anymore either - they were 4 hours away. I ended up joining a volunteer organization for women - I wanted to meet women like me and start making connections. I don't go and talk about my marriage or whatever. But it does make me feel like I am not stuck to this house - I have a life outside of it. It makes me feel hopeful. 

I really think that getting you back out and doing your yoga again would help. It would give you something away from him - you have to have separate interests. Even in great marriages you should have separate interests, but in struggling marriages it is important too. If he tries to throw down the "yoga or me" bull crap again - tell him that you need to have time for yourself, and it is a matter of your sanity or him. You have to have it. He has time to go out and go drink - you get to go and exercise and do yoga. 

Finding time for you outside the home will help you separate and feel physically stronger - even if you don't leave the marriage. But I fear that if he doesn't get help you will HAVE to leave.

His defensiveness regarding marriage counseling has to go. He is an alcoholic and abusive. Either he wants to save the marriage by changing drastically and working on this every single day or not. 

The house and the stuff - you will take care of it. I know it seems overwhelming but you can do it. People do it every day. I moved houses several times in an 18 month period (long story!). I'm never moving again... you will take what you have to, donate, and give things away. You will get rid of things you don't need and will organize the things for your business. You can do it and will do it when the time is right.

Your beginning to think through all of these issues is actually a GOOD thing. Your starting to cope. Your hurting but it also means you are starting to organize yourself. You can do this. Don't let him drag you down. Either he comes along and you are in a better place (mentally and emotionally in this marriage) or he stays behind and does not improve and the marriage dissolves - leaving you in a place where you and the children can move on and be in a healthier place without someone who is abusive to them. Either way, you become healthier inside and out.


----------



## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Oh my gosh, hugs to you. I'm sorry I don't have time to read all of this and write a real response, but I didn't want to not say anything at all. You've been through so much. Please know what a strong woman you are, and that you can do this.


----------



## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

CryingMisfit,

You may indeed be crying, but I fail to see how you could in any way be a misfit. Look at all of the amazing things you have accomplished while looking after a seriously ill child! Girl, you should be in a cape and leotard!

I know that it is next to impossible to get macho guys like cops, military, firefighters to go to therapy. That being said, several of the things that you mentioned are symptomatic of post-traumatic stress disorder. There is hope with treatment. If you can find someone else (preferably another macho guy) to talk to him about that, it may help. If he's retired after 22 years with the NYPD, he was no doubt still on active service during 9/11. Even if he didn't do any work at Ground Zero, he was still affected. 

I think that if you can get him into someone who can diagnose and treat him, your whole family can begin to heal. If he refuses treatment, however, then you have to expect more of the same... or worse. I hate that you're in this situation. I wish you the very best.

Blessings,
Mattsmom


----------

