# Is it possible



## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

for a 12 year marriage to end without affair, or other person, etc.?

My wife and I had a great weekend with our children and we even got to hang out and watch tv alone.

During this time, I began to think.

When my wife has admitted to growing apart, ILYBNILWY, etc., and now during separation, stated how much she enjoys her independence, is it possible that I may lose my wife to no one, but herself?

Can she fall back in love with me?


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## justsolost (Mar 11, 2012)

I'm in the same boat right now, man. 14 years, and it sucks.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Yes it is possible.....but.....
Most of us here know that the "speech" usually means something else.

My H of 18 years left to "find himself" and 3 months later i have found out he is in love with a co worker he had a 6 week AE with early last year. Im NOT saying this is what is happening here, but he absolutely convinced me nothing was going on.

All you can do now, as hard as it is, but just concerntrate on yourself. Get yourself fit, healthy and as contented as you can possibly be without her. Its a long painful road but try not to question, reason or comfront her with your neediness and upset. Be storng and happy when you see her and just try and let her go.

Read the thread on her about letting go. Its taken me months because of all the secrecy and lies, but now i am finally letting go, and its absoultely liberating.

Im done with the drama and the pain. Im leaving that to him. You can do the same.

Stay positive
DG
X


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

She still loves you and always will, she just doesn't find you attractive anymore. You may be doing things to comfort her but you aren't appealing to her interests. You can attract her back but it's going to take a lot of work and research in yourself.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Yes it is possible.....but.....
> Most of us here know that the "speech" usually means something else.
> 
> My H of 18 years left to "find himself" and 3 months later i have found out he is in love with a co worker he had a 6 week AE with early last year. Im NOT saying this is what is happening here, but he absolutely convinced me nothing was going on.
> ...


Thanks. I am doing what you suggested. The elephant in the room is:

we have small children and will be around each other frequently for time to come.


I suffer from overanalysis. Currently, we're both in MC, and I am making lasting changes for me, but sometimes, my emotions get the best of me.

I appreciate your thoughts.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Nsweet said:


> She still loves you and always will, she just doesn't find you attractive anymore. You may be doing things to comfort her but you aren't appealing to her interests. You can attract her back but it's going to take a lot of work and research in yourself.


I started down that path! Already lost 15 pounds. Working out, eating right, etc. In addition to cultivating interests, socializing. And, I'm truly doing that stuff for ME.

At this point, I aim to be someone she can date. I understand her fear of taking me back, and reverting back to the misery that she was in the past few years.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Take a look at the links in my signature below for building a passionate marriage. Try to get her to read the books with you and work on the exercises.

In almost every marriage there are times when spouses feel 'out of love'. If she felt 'in love' with you at one time that can be built again.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Jay, 
The fact that you left and filed but w/d it and are trying to R gave me hope. But today I realized that my 27 yr relationship is probably over though neither of us have filed... What made you change your mind?

I still hope for you that something will finally click in her during counseling and she will turn around for you.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Im sorry Jay but im with Daisy on this one I got the ILYBNILWY speech in sept 2011 after 14 yrs and he convinced me there was no one else- by Nov 2011 I discovered his long distance EA. Doesn't mean its the same for your situation but I think its usually the case


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Mamatomany said:


> Jay,
> The fact that you left and filed but w/d it and are trying to R gave me hope. But today I realized that my 27 yr relationship is probably over though neither of us have filed... What made you change your mind?
> 
> I still hope for you that something will finally click in her during counseling and she will turn around for you.


Thanks, so much. that's my prayer.


I haven't withdrawn it yet. We are in a holding period during this time.


We separated due to inappropriate behavior. Along the lines of an EA. It aligns with the Walk-Away Wife syndrome.

I was devastated. After a few months (getting along amicably), I wanted her to hurt like I was. That is why I filed for D, in the way I filed (no warning from me).

A few months later, I thought I'd ask her to give it 1 last shot at R, anything to clear our consciences at trying anything before D. I had acted hastily out of emotions...

She reluctantly agreed.

Reasons for R. We have 2 small children. We are friends. We will be around each other frequently. Deep down, we love each other. 

No history of arguments, addictions, abuse, etc. However, neither of our needs were being met, coupled with no communication, led us to being roommates with children.

Try not to live through circumstances. Communicate, because D doesn't have to be adversarial. 


I hope you find peace.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

unsure78 said:


> Im sorry Jay but im with Daisy on this one I got the ILYBNILWY speech in sept 2011 after 14 yrs and he convinced me there was no one else- by Nov 2011 I discovered his long distance EA. Doesn't mean its the same for your situation but I think its usually the case


I could better understand my situation if this were true--it may be. But, I spend a lot of time with her during our S. She has said she hasn't met nor dated anyone during this time.

That said, I find it hard to believe that she would end a marriage without counseling, without an affair with someone, wanting to remain good friends, etc.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

My stbxh and i separated 4 weeks ago- he swore up and down that he was done with the long distance EA and that- He was sending a lot of time over at the house hanging out with me and our son (3yrs). He wanted to still be friends- i bent over backwards and put my feelings of hurt aside to accommodate this. Last week he texted me to tell me he is back together with the OW, only 3 weeks after leaving the house. I am no longer friendly with him, just civil. Jay just be careful --what he did to me last week hurt as bad as when he left.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Jayb,

The most telling aspect of your relationship is that she "reluctantly" agreed to try to R.

She is the one who had the affair. You offering her the chance to R was a gift that she "reluctantly" took.

It doesn't look good


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## KNIFE IN THE HEART (Oct 20, 2011)

It is possible for a marriage to end without an affair. It happened to me. My stbxh just gave up. I can say there was no affair because we were always together. We work together, we have the same friends. He never went out anywhere. We just lost our connection.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Jayb,
> 
> The most telling aspect of your relationship is that she "reluctantly" agreed to try to R.
> 
> ...



Yes. 

There are reasons for the reluctance, though. Time, money spent on lawyers, just at end of process, getting along as friends now, etc.

Hindsight is 20-20, but, had I not filed for D, and just remained separated, the chances at R would have been higher.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

KNIFE IN THE HEART said:


> It is possible for a marriage to end without an affair. It happened to me. My stbxh just gave up. I can say there was no affair because we were always together. We work together, we have the same friends. He never went out anywhere. We just lost our connection.



I'm sorry. Would either of you have been willing to do anything to save it? 

Also, do you have children? We do, which complicates things.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Jayb said:


> Yes.
> 
> There are reasons for the reluctance, though. Time, money spent on lawyers, just at end of process, getting along as friends now, etc.
> 
> Hindsight is 20-20, but, had I not filed for D, and just remained separated, the chances at R would have been higher.


I agree. The surprise of being served would truly hurt, it is a different type of betrayal - it was him giving up on her. It scares me to think my H would do such a thing too. I see someone come to my door and my heart pounds...

So both were betrayed and need to work on trust issues. Trust can be restored after lost ...w/ time and perserverance.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Mamatomany said:


> I agree. The surprise of being served would truly hurt, it is a different type of betrayal - it was him giving up on her. It scares me to think my H would do such a thing too. I see someone come to my door and my heart pounds...
> 
> So both were betrayed and need to work on trust issues. Trust can be restored after lost ...w/ time and perserverance.


Every time my phone beeps with an email my stomach drops and my heart races. Every minute if the day. Every day I get the mail same thing as I'm afraid the papers are in there. I hate living this way. I won't file either cause I don't want a divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> Every time my phone beeps with an email my stomach drops and my heart races. Every minute if the day. Every day I get the mail same thing as I'm afraid the papers are in there. I hate living this way. I won't file either cause I don't want a divorce.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Ugh. I never considered feelings involved in this. No wonder my wife said that that was the final nail in the coffin of our marriage, when I suggested R.

I've made plenty of mistakes in my marriage. And, it may be too little too late for any R--(hope not).

However, I am confident that these changes I am making for me will cause growth, will last and will benefit my wife (my hope) or my next wife.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> Every time my phone beeps with an email my stomach drops and my heart races. Every minute if the day. Every day I get the mail same thing as I'm afraid the papers are in there. I hate living this way. I won't file either cause I don't want a divorce.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh I know!! I use to look forward to his contacting me and now I get anxious... same w/ FB. Whenever someone rings our doorbell you see my house becoming anxious (it's so contagious). I become panicked and wonder... 
If you haven't checked out the link below in my siggy check it out... I know it fits my H to a T and it says they often 'force' the spouse into filing just so the BS can finally move on.


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## hurtingsodeeply (Nov 8, 2011)

You know. sometime that "ILYBNILWY" speech is very true.. with noting else behind it. I recently had that talk with my wife.. realizing after very intense therapy that I felt like she and I needed to be "saved" no love no emotion. Spent ten years as friends with benifits.. yes it suck, for every one involved. But if its honest and sincere, yes it can happen. I would encourage therapy, individual for sure and if possible, couples therapy.. Not to makeher fall in love with you again.. If that is meant to happen it will.. I hoep that I can convince my stbxw to do couple, only to maybe understand how truly painful it is to suffer through all of this.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

hurtingsodeeply said:


> You know. sometime that "ILYBNILWY" speech is very true.. with noting else behind it. I recently had that talk with my wife.. realizing after very intense therapy that I felt like she and I needed to be "saved" no love no emotion. Spent ten years as friends with benifits.. yes it suck, for every one involved. But if its honest and sincere, yes it can happen. I would encourage therapy, individual for sure and if possible, couples therapy.. Not to makeher fall in love with you again.. If that is meant to happen it will.. I hoep that I can convince my stbxw to do couple, only to maybe understand how truly painful it is to suffer through all of this.


I understand. Anything is possible. But, we both agreed to MC as a way of either R or working towards amicable divorce/co-parenting.

And, up until now, I have surrendered power to the D date. Even if divorce is finalized, it doesn't mean there is no future chance for us.

Both of us will be around each other plenty due to having small children.

However, if it is indeed over, then, I realize the person I am becoming now will be for the positive.


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