# Need opinions about my marriage



## cndmarriage (Oct 14, 2011)

Here is the situation: about a year ago my husband and I met a couple. We were very drunk and made a very poor decision to all fool around together and let it happen for a while after the first time. During this time my husband became very close with woman we fooled around with. They talk, email and text everyday. Multiple inappropriate comments were exchanged. I confronted him and finally her which led to us starting to go to counseling. He's told me so many things but essentially that he likes the attention he gets from her and is not willing to give it up. That I have meant nothing to him and he had put me on the curb a long time ago. He started treating her the way that he wanted to treat me but I never gave him the respect and support that he thought he needed. I'm sitting here trying to do what he wants but is always angry with me. He still talks to her...he's even planning my birthday party with her. All of their friends have thought their relationship is inappropriate but they just tell them that they are stupid and jealous. He shares his feelings with her and won't share them with me. The thing is that he gets very depressed and uses that as an excuse to treat me like crap. When he gets mad at me he just says that he's not going to counseling anymore. I don't get the feeling that he even wants to do anything to change. I was told just 3 days ago that I am kidding myself that he even loves me and to stop pushing myself on him. There is soooo much more to the story and it would take soooo much to tell you all of it. What do I do. I don't want to have sex with someone who doesn't show me they love me in the way that I need to be shown and has on more than one occasion said that he doesnt love me and that he only married me as a favor. I deserve to be with someone who loves me. He says that we are stuck with each other because we have a 2 year old and that we have no other choice so stop pretending that we love each other. I haven't really said much for the last two days and when I do say just something normal he jumps down my throat. I am at a loss of what to do.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

cndmarriage said:


> I deserve to be with someone who loves me.


More specifically, you don't deserve to be forced to be with someone that treats you like garbage.

He knows you won't confront him, so he is content to have his affair in front of your face. Suggestions would include telling hubby he needs to move out if he can't give up the other woman, stop letting him treat you like dirt, and individual counseling for yourself to work on your self-esteem.


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## cndmarriage (Oct 14, 2011)

I have confronted him about it. We don't all fool around anymore he just still talks to her. I've asked him to move out and he won't. He says its his house and if I wanted to leave then I should. I kinda put myself in this situation because I usually just give in.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Then you need to speak to a lawyer and see what your options are. You may have to initiate filing for divorce, and be willing to carry through on it. It's time to start enforcing some boundaries.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

cndmarriage said:


> I have confronted him about it. We don't all fool around anymore he just still talks to her. I've asked him to move out and he won't. He says its his house and if I wanted to leave then I should. I kinda put myself in this situation because I usually just give in.


Well first of all, it's not just his house, but yours too. And you aren't the one disrespecting the marriage by bringing another woman into it. If anyone is going to move out, it's going to be him.

He's used to you giving in. But likely this is something you will not want to live with! So, you sit him down and tell him he can either give up the other woman or the marriage is over. The court can decide who gets the house and everything else.

He won't believe you will actually do it. If you are strong and it's what you want, you may notice a change in him when you follow through.


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## cndmarriage (Oct 14, 2011)

What I want is to be married to him and have him be the man that he was when we got married.. The one that cared and loved me. I know I can't make that happen. I don't want to be divorced but I don't want to be unhappy and hurt all the time either.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

cndmarriage said:


> What I want is to be married to him and have him be the man that he was when we got married.. The one that cared and loved me. I know I can't make that happen. I don't want to be divorced but I don't want to be unhappy and hurt all the time either.


Unfortunately, he seems to have made his position clear and as much as that sucks, I think it sucks more to be with someone who doesn't really want you. I am sorry.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

definitely expose them to her husband, he may not know the whole situation


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## cndmarriage (Oct 14, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> definitely expose them to her husband, he may not know the whole situation


Her husband knows how often they talk and he is ok with it. There is another story to why I think he is ok with it, but its not my place to say. I don't understand why he is ok with it. I don't think he knows the full extent of information and feelings that they share with each other. I had a whole big blow up with her and her husband was involved in part of it. But mostly it went down with her. Things have changed some on innuendos and whatnot but they just talk too intimate about feelings and whatnot.


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## rfAlaska (Jul 28, 2011)

Simply put, your husband is having an affair and by not putting your foot down, you are allowing it to happen. He's in a pretty good spot having two women who are devoted to him.

I know you want him to be the man he was, but frankly you can't make him be that man. He is choosing a much different road.

See a lawyer, figure out your options and be prepared to move on. A marriage is betwen one man and one woman. Your marriage has a second woman in it.

Consider reading and posting in the "Coping with Infidelity" forum. I'm sorry that you're hurting but you need to be strong and stand up for yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You hooked up swingers and y'all got burned. Why won't people understand that this is what happens so much of time.

Now your hubby has decided he like his play woman mch more emotionally than he does you. They are likely still finding playtime together if they are that into each other.

At this point divorce the louse. He can go and be the third wheel in her marriage. They might actually dump him out too if y ou are gone and he gets too clingy anfpd too demanding of her time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Look up the 180 and let him start washing his own damn clothes etc. 

Did he own the house before you married and was it paid off? 

Get a lawyer. See if you can get him to read the "Love Busters" book. It is designed to bring couples back together.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You don't have to accept his logic as your own.
In fact, you don't need to have any logic at all.
A 2 year old is not logic, he is a human being and he deserves to grow up in an environment where human beings in his house are connected to each other and treat each other with love. Even if there are only 2 people in the household, a single mom and a child, it is better than this so-called logic.
If I were you, I would move out.
I don't give advice I wouldn't follow, I gave up logic of finances and uprooting children and so forth and did what felt right to me. My H decided that his marriage was worth more than getting outside attention from people who weren't interested in the kind of QUALITY relationship I wanted to have with him. But as long as he knew he could check in and out any time he wanted to and that I would accept his LOGIC and parameters, he had no incentive to stop doing what he was doing on the side, with people who had no clue, ability, or inclination to establish households of connection and love...obvious because they were married but giving my H attention above and beyond their means, on a part-time basis. There is a name for these kind of women that has been around for ages, usually it means some kind of doom for the men involved, they are called sirens and they are dangerous kind of people, luring others away from their homes and minds, with illusions and empty promises. In reality they are old hags, even though they have the ability to trick and deceive using other people's weaknesses and unfilled fantasies (that everyone has, but people who can manage to avoid sirens pursue these fantasies with the one they decided to marry). Don't underestimate what you're dealing with. If it feels like something has been stolen from you, you're right. If you feel like logic is trumping your hand, remove logical thinking from the parameters of decision-making. Don't stay in a marriage that has been violated, for a logical reason, especially ones that aren't of your own creation.


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## ToriAnne (Oct 15, 2011)

You made a mistake by 'swinging' with this other couple and you can't go back and fix it and make things 'right' again. You cannot control him or his 'friend'. You can, however, control yourself. I say you do that. You have a child who is learning what relationships are by watching you. Is what you are living now what you want your child to live? Love or feelings don't just go away or disappear because the marriage failed. When things go wrong it hurts and it makes you cry and it makes you sad, but it is okay to experience these feelings and to feel them, acknowledge them and they will pass. 

Now you need to control your own destiny! You are not stuck with him! Yes, you have a 2 year old, but that 2 year old deserves a house filled with love and laughter too! Your husbands 'logic' is NOT logic, its his attempts to keep control over you so he can continue his lifestyle, but the worst part? It is at your expense and the 2 year olds. You are so worthy of great love and you have every right to live a life filled with love the way you want it. 

Respect yourself first! Take action that makes you proud. You will be scared, but you will find that passes too. Have courage to respect yourself and be your own hero as you are a 2 year olds hero now!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

cndmarriage said:


> What I want is to be married to him and have him be the man that he was when we got married.. The one that cared and loved me. I know I can't make that happen. I don't want to be divorced but I don't want to be unhappy and hurt all the time either.


Chances are, you will stay with him. What you want is wishful thinking; the man you wish him to be is gone. It doesn't appear he is returning. You don't want to divorce him, but you don't want to be unhappy.

Unfortunately, you have to make a choice: stay and be unhappy, or get a divorce. Hubs is making it crystal clear he is happy with the way things are. He has no respect for you, because he can walk all over you and you stay. Your choice.

I have told people on here before to look at WHAT IS not WHAT IF. You are staying in a position of WHAT IF, and it keeps you stuck.

People can give you all the advice in the world, but you will ultimately do what you want to do. Stay with him and deal with it, if you so desire. Like I said, he's perfectly happy having his "best friend" gal-pal to hang around. Three people in a marriage gets a bit crowded though ...


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## cndmarriage (Oct 14, 2011)

Thank you all for the input. Even though all this outside input is really hard to hear, I think my self worth is getting stronger knowing that I am not being oversensitive about the situation that I am in. I know that I need to do what's best for my son and myself.


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