# Divorce and Separation



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Addressing the men here. If you have experience with this - great. If not - opinions still welcome.

Getting divorced - etc., etc. Still living together - wife has the attorney and will file soon - etc., etc.

Feels like we're already done with the fighting. That's one good thing about maybe having hung on a bit too long. Most of the anger is gone. Had we divorced a year ago - we would have both lawyered up and argued just to argue, win and hurt the other person.

My question involves the pain. Its normal - its natural - but it CAN be somewhat avoided.

Alcohol, FB, this forum - I can find a million things to do - not all bad - to stop from being alone with my own thoughts. Even working overtime - exercise - karate. Things with the kids.

Sometimes I think I need to just go be alone in a cave somewhere - just me and my own head. And just FEEL the pain.

Am I making any sense here?


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## love him (Oct 23, 2011)

Hi,
You make prfect sense to me...
I am not a man but I feel the same , I wishe there was some where I could go never to be seen again!
The pain is a killer but I am coping in front of him, I don't want him to see how much he has hurt me.
No mention of divorce really but we are separated (living together for the next couple of weeks) then I am moving out.
He said he does not love me anymore, yet he is still showing me affection (if I walk past he will give me a kiss or a hug) the man has confused me but I still love him.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I'm divorced and I know of the pain you speak of and how one can avoid it in varied ways. For me the best way for overcoming the pain was a balance of endure moments of it and when it became too much, self medicate myself - distract myself with other things, healthy ones like exercise, going out with friends, working out, visiting my grown children, etc. Doing this I believed helped me raise my pain threshold where eventually the pain itself became small and manageable.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I love this quote:

"Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

Feel it, acknowledge it. Know what you need to do in order to move on from it, rather than letting it wrap a few coils around your throat.

Feel the pain. Don't feed the pain.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

love him said:


> Hi,
> You make prfect sense to me...
> I am not a man but I feel the same , I wishe there was some where I could go never to be seen again!
> The pain is a killer but I am coping in front of him, I don't want him to see how much he has hurt me.
> ...


Thanks.

Thankfully, I'm passed that point. Been there - done that - and know what you mean. But now I'm "almost" to this point of actually truly being alone. The hurt is no longer coming from her - but more the loss of "the marriage" - and all the dreams and plans and such that went along with it. And maybe an odd sense of just being on my own for the first time in my life.

Just a lot of mixed emotions right now.

Mori and Deejo - that all makes sense. Was reading something yesterday - basically saying that if you can't stand the pain in life, you'll never really know the pleasure.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Looks have you have the same problem I have from time to time; thinking too much. The human mind needs momentum otherwise it seems to get stuck and dwelling on useless stuff such as pain or worries.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Thanks all...


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## zellaj (Oct 24, 2011)

I am currently going through a bad split with my significant other. While there is no fighting and we are still very close I am having an extremely hard time coming to terms. Much like you I feel like I want to just disappear and let the pain & suffering take over.

But I'm trying my best to work though it. I have started seeing a therapist which has helped to some degree. I would recommend seeing one, it won't hurt. And don't rule out medication. Some people may say that medication isn't the answer but if you use alcohol to mask the pain what is really worse. The medication is helping me cope. It isn't a cure all but it helps you deal with everything. If you go the medication route, DO NOT TAKE XANAX.

Surround yourself with people. It has helped me a lot. I have even started staying at a buddies house when I don't have my daughter.

So just keep your physical apperance up and don't let your kids or your wife see how it is effecting you. Also more importantly if your wife is willing to go see a marriage counselor do it.


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## mr.rightaway (Apr 27, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> My question involves the pain. Its normal - its natural - but it CAN be somewhat avoided.
> 
> Alcohol, FB, this forum - I can find a million things to do - not all bad - to stop from being alone with my own thoughts. Even working overtime - exercise - karate. Things with the kids.
> 
> ...


nice777guy, I have had a long-term relationship end before and while there weren't any legal ramifications involved, it sure felt like a divorce to me. I'm not sure the pain can be avoided on the whole. On the aggregate, however, it can be managed by doing some of the activities you list. Being alone to just be by yourself is not necessarily a bad thing. But too much alone time may have a "dwelling" effect. You're just going to have to figure out what works for you. I think a good barometer type of question to ask when these types of things happen is, "What have you learned more from in life, your successes, or your failures?" It's open-ended.



> I can find a million things to do - not all bad - to stop from being alone with my own thoughts. *Even working overtime*...


Please stop giving us workaholics' secrets away. 



> But now I'm "almost" to this point of actually truly being alone.


I don't have a problem being alone myself but even for me I realize that too much alone time is unhealthy. My mood usually improves when I'm around people I'm close to. Your situation is not the same of course (kids/wife) but I think the pain will lessen with time. I'm not sure though that the feeling of "loss [of the marriage]" and all the dreams and plans that went with it will ever go away. A new love interest for you when it's time? Perhaps. It's what people do to move on. You just might view your past life differently than you do now several years from now.

What I can say is that when I did go through that clichéd period of "re-discovering" myself, it was, quite frankly, simultaneously the most painful yet creative period in my entire life. Something to keep in mind.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

mr.rightaway said:


> nice777guy, I have had a long-term relationship end before and while there weren't any legal ramifications involved, it sure felt like a divorce to me. I'm not sure the pain can be avoided on the whole. On the aggregate, however, it can be managed by doing some of the activities you list. Being alone to just be by yourself is not necessarily a bad thing. But too much alone time may have a "dwelling" effect. You're just going to have to figure out what works for you. I think a good barometer type of question to ask when these types of things happen is, "What have you learned more from in life, your successes, or your failures?" It's open-ended.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Zella - thanks for the advice. But just to clarify - we are DONE. No therapy, etc., Tried it - didn't help.

Mr. Rightaway - I used to LONG for quiet time alone in my house. Now that I have it sometimes - its hard to deal with.

Wife's birthday is today. I think we are going out to dinner as a "family" tonight while we still are one. I truly don't expect for us to do the same for me in March.

She mentioned she finally got "the papers" from her attorney yesterday. Her 95 year old grandmother has been in the hospital for over a week now. While this has truly been a distraction for my wife and her family, I also see her using this as a way to drag her feet. Hard for me to call "BS" on something like that - even if I firmly believe that I'm right.

Still a lot of unknown quantities that will have to be finalized. We are agreeing on most things that we discuss. I'm just not real sure or clear about how to get the important things documented properly.

My mood is a bit "melancholy" at the moment I guess - I think because of the birthday. Although my mood has been all over the place lately - certainly not always bad. I DO have some sense of excitement about the future - can't wait for it to get here. Its just the "present" that can - at times - knock me down a bit.

Have tried posting some things in the "going through div and sep" group - but they just aren't as "lively" as you folks!

NG


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