# Husband has many fetishes



## Bellatwigh (Jul 11, 2012)

I can't begin to note the number of fetishes my husband has. At an earlier time I was willing to explore but as time has gone by he has become increasingly more selfish and focused on what 'he' wants. He talks about his fantasies all the time and wants me to act them out to the exclusion of anything else.

Over time I have become more and more withdrawn about the whole 'sex' thing. To be honest I feel anxious and upset just thinking about it. So, I basically have avoided it! As you can imagine that then fuels him even more.

I have tried talking to him about things - I have researched etc. The long and the short of it is that I don't believe we will ever be 'compatible' and I am left with a feeling of inadequacy but more importantly I feel that I have been 'quashed' at some point and have no idea about what arouses me any more!

It's time to try to create a new way forward. I love my husband but this aspect of our life is eating away at me. 

Posting this is a real cry for some help!! No idea where to turn.


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

Bella - its a bit difficult for us to respond and maybe try to guide you without knowing what fetishes you are talking about...

If he likes having sex with you whilst he has a squirrel up his ass then you have a real problem...!!!! 
But if its you wearing black fishnet stockings that he likes ejaculating all over...well thats actually quite tame! - by comparison.


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

If I knew the type of fetishes, I suppose I could reply better. If it's like he wants you to dress up in a clown outfit, attach a red clown nose to his penis gland and honk it saying AWNK AWNK, until he orgasms, I'd definitely understand where you are coming from.

If it was him wanting to orgasm on your breasts or different sexual positions, I would suggest that maybe you aren't compatible. Most men like a healthy variety. I wouldn't consider oral, anal, or any karma sutra position a "fetish", I'd call it good sex.

It seems like you have already talked with him about his fetishes, if so, then he knows you do not like them. I mean, my first advice would be for you to directly tell him the things you absolutely hate doing with him. You could possibly list off things you are okay with, and try to be a bit open minded. Oral, different sexual positions, handjobs, should probably on your list, because truthfully, most men are not okay with no oral and missionary every time they have sex. If that is a problem, you may just not be compatible with any man that has a sex drive and an imagination. Like I said, because of your post being a bit vague, everything I type would be an assumption.

Be open and explain to him that you are not okay with some of his fetishes. Name the ones that bother you the most. Let him know these fetishes have made you turn off the idea of any type of sex. Maybe he will compromise and you guys can find a middle ground. Nothing to "fetishy", but more sexual activity you both enjoy. Also let him know you are not okay with him getting off and you not. You mentioned he is getting more selfish. If I was a woman, I would let my husband know, if I want to orgasm and you orgasmed using me or my body to help you, never expect to orgasm again until I get my turn. I wouldn't care how he felt about that and would remain vibrator forever until he spent a little time on me and my orgasms.

But I am not a woman.

There is also an option, maybe once every 3 months, where you would be willing to try one of his "fetishes". That would mean, 4 times a year you do something he seems to really get turned on by. This will build excitement for him and give you a break. If 4 is too much, 2, or even once a year. Maybe his birthday. This will help you open your mind to enjoying him again, doing the things you both love, rather than not talking about sex at all because he will bring up something you hate doing.

Communication. Communication. Communication.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

What is a fetish to one can be normal to another, so it's really hard to comment. However, you say his fantasies have taken over to such an extent that you're avoiding sex. You really need to communicate this to him and reach a compromise. If this isn't possible, then MC might be the way to go.


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## Bellatwigh (Jul 11, 2012)

Thanks for your response so far.

I loved the image the squirrel conjured up!!

Appreciating that there is a fine line between what is construed a fetish and what is considered normal. I will note that I have tried most things (the squirrel notwithstanding). Hubby has an anal fixation and leans towards sadism in most things. He also likes me trussed up in sexy clothing etc.

The anal bit I am really not in to period. Tried it - a LOT and decided it was not for me. The clothing all well and good, I love to get dressed up occasionally. The pain thing - a real no go.

The problem for my part is that he will only focus on those things. It's his way or nothing. When we do have sex it always has to involve anal penetration with something. Sex is like a big ritual rather than impromptu or playful. I hope that makes sense.

What I would really love to do occasionally is have 'vanilla' versions!! Perhaps with the light out too!! 

I have communicated till I am blue in the face. I am an open and honest person but it really doesn't seem to sink in. He always turns it back to what he likes.

There you go. A bit of detail to ponder on.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

IMO, anything goes been two consenting adults, providing they're both into it. Trying to force or coerce someone into doing something that causes them pain and/or they patently dislike is abusive.

You need to set strong boundaries with your H and tell him that there are certain fantasies which are simply not up for negotiation.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> What is a fetish to one can be normal to another, so it's really hard to comment. However, you say his fantasies have taken over to such an extent that you're avoiding sex. You really need to communicate this to him and reach a compromise. If this isn't possible, then MC might be the way to go.












You might also talk to a counselor. Even if its just to get some ideas on how to positively deal with it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chiben (Jun 26, 2012)

Aristotle said:


> There is also an option, maybe once every 3 months, where you would be willing to try one of his "fetishes". That would mean, 4 times a year you do something he seems to really get turned on by. This will build excitement for him and give you a break. If 4 is too much, 2, or even once a year. Maybe his birthday. This will help you open your mind to enjoying him again, doing the things you both love, rather than not talking about sex at all because he will bring up something you hate doing.
> 
> Communication. Communication. Communication.



I think this is a perfect idea ....


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Are you self conscious about something? The lights out I mean.


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## Jersey86 (Jul 4, 2012)

My impression as I reading through this thread is that of a child. they are persistent until they get what they want.he seems persistent and you may have stated that you do not wish to continue but it sounds as if you continue. If a fedish is out then that needs to be stated to him and it should be out. Boundaries boundaries boundaries


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

I dated a guy once who "opened" up to me about dressing in women's clothing, or him wearing stockings while having sex with me. After he "opened" up about what he liked in the bedroom, I could not shut him up. He pushed and talked about it, fantasized about it, IM'd me nonstop about it, blah blah. We did it a few times and I could have probably learned to adjust if it was not every single time. It didn't matter how much I voiced my concerns that I did not want to have sex with a man in stockings every time I had sex, it fell on deaf ears, in fact he wanted more... like for foreplay he wanted to lounge around in women's clothing and paint each other toenails, I am not kidding.. He literally ignored my wishes and pushed harder for more "female" bonding. It was one of the most painstaking relationships I have ever been in and it came to an abrupt halt. It just became gross.

So OP, I can feel your pain. But I do not know of a solution because I broke up with the obsessive cross dresser... The thing about it is, he claims to never have opened up and says he probably never will again, but he just could not stop talking about it and wanting that ONLY. I believe it truly became an obsession with him and he couldn't see past that with me... He didn't want to go to dinner or out, he didn't want to go see movies and such... His idea of a date was hanging out at my place dressed in women's clothing. 

It sounds like your H's obsession is with anal and perhaps he just cannot see past what he wants... That's unfortunate. My only suggestion would be counseling, perhaps if for anything else to show him how serious you are, seeing as how he seems to be ignoring you when you talk to him about this. Perhaps a third party can translate to him how this is impacting your marriage. 

Good luck!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

What did the sadist do to the masochist?

Nothing.


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

Bellatwigh said:


> Thanks for your response so far.
> 
> I loved the image the squirrel conjured up!!
> 
> ...


You should both read Dan Savage. A fetish is not a preference, it is a necessity to be turned on. If you try something and do not like it to a point where you do not want to do it (painful or harmful), you should not have - or feel you have to - do that. He should understand this. 

Where is he getting his ideas? Porn, probably. Maybe if you watch with him you can see what turns him on and how other people do that. But, just stop if you told him you do not want him to do something and he persists. If he wants to be dominant, tell him you'll let him know when you are feeling submissive.


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## ChelseaBlue (Mar 5, 2012)

Bellatwigh said:


> Thanks for your response so far.
> ...
> 
> The anal bit I am really not in to period. Tried it - a LOT and decided it was not for me.
> ...


Maybe he will start to listen to you if you communicate some new ideas of yours to him. I would think turning the tables may help him see things from a different perspective. 

If there always has to be anal penetration, maybe he could become the one to receive. Maybe he could be the one to feel the pain rather than dish it out.

All of the sudden, lines of communication may open up and occasional vanilla sex may seem like a good thing.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

Does your husband watch a lot of porn, and if so, has he been watching it for a long time?


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Letting your wife/husband in on your fetishes can be somewhat difficult, obviously depending on what they are. Then to get them to do it is another hurdle. 

I give your husband credit for being so open about them. That can be the hardest part sometimes, letting the other person know what you have been thinking about. Even if you're not totally receptive, dabbling in those fetishes may be enough to satisfy both of you.


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## rattlertx17 (May 8, 2012)

Bellatwigh said:


> Thanks for your response so far.
> 
> I loved the image the squirrel conjured up!!
> 
> ...


Bella, unfortunately I have been in the same boat as your husband. A serious thing to consider is his frequency in watching porn. I began to develop unfair expectations of my wife after watching porn a couple times a week. Those sites/videos show girls doing/enjoying things that most normal women do not, like anal. I came to the conclusion my desire for my wife to be like the girls in the videos is exactly the opposite of why I married her in the first place. I cut porn out almost entirely, except maybe once and a while watching WITH her, and it helped immensely. My urges to do things that might be uncomfortable or pushing boundaries have subsided and normal "vanilla" sex is much more enjoyable again. We still try new things and have "special" things we do for birthdays and whatnot, but I am much less liable to demand it or be upset if I dont get it.

Hope this helps.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Enjoying porn and rubbing one out is a different mindset and world than bringing it into your marriage. If I asked my wife to do some of the stuff that I watch online, she would pack and run away as fast as she can. 

Of course some of the more 'tamer' fetish stuff has been brought up and even actually accepted, but you have to be reasonable and separate one from the other if necessary.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

It definitely sounds like porn has changed the husbands view of sex with his wife. Most likely his fetishes were developed through watching porn.


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