# Why are some people still with their spouses?



## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

Reading some threads on this board I cannot stop wondering why some people are still with their spouses.

The spouse acts in a way the OP find unacceptable... total lack of affection, drunkenness, anger issues and so on.
The OP is told that he or she must tell the spouse to stop this behaviour, OP does not do it, is back here a month later, talking about how the spouse did the same thing again.

Why do some people always hope that their will change through a miracle. The truth is: most likely he or she won't.
You must see if you can learn to live with his or her behaviour. Yes, good for you. No, time to move on (unless of course there are reasons why you cannot divorce, like culture, kids involved or things like this).

Don't want to be offensive but that is my opinion.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

I think there are a variety of reasons. Some oh which, you alluded to such as kids and culture. Other reasons may include fear of failure, after all nobody wants a failed marriage on their hands. 

I also believe codependency and fear of being alone are really big reasons. Or to put it more bluntly 'a pair of shhhiittyy drawers is better than no drawers at all.' 

Low self esteem which is common after enduring years of abuse may convince the abused that they cannot make it on their own. Or the abuser may threaten to harm the abusee or her/his family if they try to leave. 

For the reasons I have given and the many I have left out their are all kinds of reasons a person may stay in a bad relationship. That is why IMO it is important to set up red lines that if crossed are unacceptable. In my case I will not be cussesed or screamed at in front of our child. If that happens I will leave no matter what. 

Just make certain those lines can be enforced and are LEGAL. My wife has also redlines that she will not tolerate. We have made these clear to ech other. Granted sharing these with an abusive partner may not be possible.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Oops double post


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

People have a lot issues being alone.

There's also a lot of posts on here by women who don't work and therefore can't leave bad marriages because they're financially dependent on their loser husbands.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Well, in one case, the poster gets sympathy every time she posts. It is rarely suggested that she could change things. Her partner is almost always blamed.

If people stay, I assume things have not gotten bad enough.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Fear

Some reasonable: will I ever get to see my kids, will I loose all my assets and so on

Not reasonable: will I die alone, will I ever be happy again, and so on


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

jld said:


> Well, in one case, the poster gets sympathy every time she posts. It is rarely suggested that she could change things. Her partner is almost always blamed.
> 
> If people stay, I assume things have not gotten bad enough.


Enough can't be said about this either. Never underestimate the power of the drama dance. Some people, male and female. Love the drama and playing the martyr, especially here on TAM. Gives them a sense of important I suppose.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> Enough can't be said about this either. Never underestimate the power of the drama dance. Some people, male and female. Love the drama and playing the martyr, especially here on TAM. Gives them a sense of important I suppose.


I think it gives them a sense of justification. And I assume the people who support them feel justified in behaving similarly.

And don't even try suggesting seeing it from the other side. It has already been decided the partner is completely at fault.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> Enough can't be said about this either. Never underestimate the power of the drama dance. Some people, male and female. Love the drama and playing the martyr, especially here on TAM. Gives them a sense of important I suppose.


That's a much nicer way to put it than I would have (regarding the poster in think jld was referring to).


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

I think when you get only one spouse's view about a situation it may not always be fair to assume you are getting the actual truth. I'm not doubting everyone, but wonder sometimes what I read on some threads.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

CharlieParker said:


> That's a much nicer way to put it than I would have (regarding the poster in think jld was referring to).


Lol. How would you have put it, Charlie? 

That's okay, probably better not to answer . . .


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

drerio said:


> I think when you get only one spouse's view about a situation it may not always be fair to assume you are getting the actual truth. I'm not doubting everyone, but wonder sometimes what I read on some threads.


Well, I bet I could easily deal with the husband of the poster I am talking about. I would almost like to try. Not really, but you know what I mean. I just don't think it is as hard as she thinks.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

jld said:


> I think it gives them a sense of justification. And I assume the people who support them feel justified in behaving similarly.
> 
> And don't even try suggesting seeing it from the other side. It has already been decided the partner is completely at fault.


Ohh I know, you and I are probably talking about the same poster who constantly makes these posts about her passive aggressive behavior but of course it's all her husbands fault and she never leaves. Both are getting something from having that drama in the relationship. 

For others it's fear of the unknown. Speaking from my own divorce it was totally overwhelming and don't know that I could have made the decision to leave easily over fear, but it was made for me and I just had to endure it. That just kinda made it easier having no other option .


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

@Wolf 

I don't think one of them is getting anything out of it. I bet one of them is driving the other one crazy. 

Who likes guessing what someone else is thinking? Who wants someone to leave the room instead of talking about the issue?


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

Too weak to be alone.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

WhiteRaven said:


> Too weak to be alone.


Sad, but probably true.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

drerio said:


> I think when you get only one spouse's view about a situation it may not always be fair to assume you are getting the actual truth. I'm not doubting everyone, but wonder sometimes what I read on some threads.


This is exactly right, which is why you have to take some of what you read here with a grain of salt. People are prone to embellish things to make a point so oftentimes things aren't nearly as bad as an OP might make them appear.

Things aren't often as good or as bad as someone may make them seem. The truth usually lies somewhere in the middle. In the same way, getting only one side to every story, there are likely to be inaccuracies and perhaps even grave inaccuracies in the perception of the one telling his/her side of things.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Very good points, Mostlycontent. That is why it is so helpful when _both_ spouses come here to explain their situation.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

jld said:


> Very good points, Mostlycontent. That is why it is so helpful when _both_ spouses come here to explain their situation.



Or in my journey threads, my wife reads them before I post any of them. You'll have to "trust" me on that one


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## LookinforDirection (May 4, 2014)

As for myself. Today was the first time I posted on this forum. I was looking for an outlet, some input, although I probably already knew the facts, but felt the need for validation.

After posting my thread and receiving some responses, I spoke with my older sister. I said, my husband and I look at pet ownership differently and that will never change. He is obsessed with his pet dog, although I feel rather on the dysfunctional side. I have a sister similar to him and she calls herself eccentric. Additionally, he gets mad (out of orbit) over small things. I tell him, no one died and the house didn't burn down. He says snide remarks which are meant to be put downs and will occasionally just say a put down. I decided his past girlfriend may have walked on eggshells, but as his wife, I am not willing to tolerate it. His past two women went out on him. I am not that way and never will be. It would only be to my demise. My husband also blames me for his errors or misfortunes and that is also not acceptable. I actually hope I end up feeling sorry for him before I leave and hope he develops himself into a better person. 

So in the end, I decided to "play the game" until I had my ducks in a row to leave. I am a certified professional coder, but need the credential on the hospital side to be gainfully employed. This will take a few months. 

Could my intentions fall through? Sure, they could. I fell in love with my husband because of the good things in him. I just ask myself are there more times that I feel unhappy to times I feel happy with him, and there seems to be more negative. Will I return to the forum? I don't know. 

As an intelligent woman, I try to look at all angles, but I am also an emotional woman too. Do I long to be alone again? Sometimes. Other times, not. 

Can I judge what other individuals need to cope? No, I can't.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

One mans trash is another mans treasure.

Take me for example....

Ex wife beater and convict married to a sl^tty stripper cheater...have been married for 24 years and if either one of us bailed and hadn't commited to a healthier change we most likely would have never seen my oldest pass the state boards and send out youngest off to state ( college not prison).......

So ya.... maybe others are hoping for some kind of change but at the end of the day its all up to self respect and the tough consequences when boundriess are crossed.

I think some spouses don't figure on that the other spouse has just as much to lose if the commitment of marriage breaks down. I think the spouse is afraid of what they will lose and lose sight of the fact that what they might lose isn't so bad. And that goes both ways!


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## purplekisses83 (May 4, 2014)

I'll make tea said:


> Reading some threads on this board I cannot stop wondering why some people are still with their spouses.
> 
> The spouse acts in a way the OP find unacceptable... total lack of affection, drunkenness, anger issues and so on.
> The OP is told that he or she must tell the spouse to stop this behaviour, OP does not do it, is back here a month later, talking about how the spouse did the same thing again.
> ...


In my opinion a lot of people don't be wanting their marriage too fail so they keep working at it..or for the kids..and too have some stability for the kids..and some because of the fact their afraid too move on and some are just still in love with the person and afraid of letting go..ever heard of the phrase it's cheaper too keep her..another is because of all the time that's been invested in the relationship and afraid of what the next person go do..or not feeling worthy...or like they trapped in..or feel that..that's all they know....and sometimes it's that the person just don't lost family members and friends over this person so they just stick by this person..cuz that's all they've got now...and they trust this person and sometimes feel like they can't trust no one else..hope I answered your question...I"M VERY WISE:smthumbup:


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## Placeboni (Sep 10, 2010)

Low self esteem - I don't think I deserve better.
Lost faith in humanity/gender - I don't think there IS better.

They're a good parent - I'll sacrifice my happiness for children's, always.

Fear of change, fear of loniless, financial reliance, emotional reliance, they're controlling and I've lost most family/friend ties. etc etc, the list goes on..


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## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

Lot of different reasons for me that really just add up to me wanting to stay more than I want to leave. 

For those who don't know my story, well lets just say my wife is major ****. BUT....

1) Despite what people always say, I know damn well it's at least partially my fault. Someone will say "No it's NEVER your fault..." Sometimes it is. At least a little bit.

2) Despite the fact that she's a lying cheating ***** (at least WAS) we get along pretty well most of the time. Better than a lot of other couples do.

3) No way I'm leaving my little girl. Yeah yeah, I can see her on weekends and stuff. No thanks. 

4) Financial reasons. Neither of us can really afford to live on our own, and this is a nice house. I'm not going to live in a rat infested motel or a trailer park with all the junkies.

5) I just plain like it here. Nice house, nice neighborhood, etc...

6) I'm protecting the kids from whatever ********* she'd shack up with next. She has a habit of picking really, really awful guys. One of the guys she cheated on me with is a CHILD MOLESTER. He's right up on the sex offender registry. Raped a 12 year old girl or something. There's also various alcoholics, drug addicts, etc....This is what she chooses for men. 

Which doesn't say much about me, but trust me, I'm the cream of the crop compared to her usual types. I'm a little moody and impatient sometime, and I smoke a little pot, but that's the worst of it. 

7) Probably my most selfish reason, but at least I admit it: I get to do whatever I want. I have a permanent upper hand in our marriage because I'm not a cheater. I don't abuse this privilege, but the fact is she never gets to be mad at me again. As far as I'm concerned, the fact I didn't cut her skin off and make a suit out of it nominates me for Man of the Year.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

My wife is started to go back to work after 10 years of being a SAHM. I have been tring to get her to work for about 5 years now. I wish she would have attempted to work part time when our daughter first started school...

Now my wife has a $17,000 job, which still isnt enough to make it on her own...not even close.

We have talked about D. She knows our marriage may be over when our daughter is 18. For now, we get along OK, we tolerate each other, we have that friendship/companionship going for us. My wife and I have occasional sex, every 4-5 days or so. She seems to enjoy sex more now that I no longer care if we have it or not.

I love my daughter. I read to my daughter every night before bed. My wife leaves to work about the time our daughter gets up. I get our daughter up, make her a healthy breakfast, and take her to school. My wife picks her up.

Our marriage is more about being a team now. Maybe thats how it should be.

I spent over 3 years reading books, exercising, getting in shape, being as loving as possible, being that doormat, and nothing changed to improve intimacy. 

Then I talked about D. Found out my wife was never in love with me and just saw me as a friend. I accepted that. We even have an open marriage now....

Now she is affectionate, more than ever before. I dont get that.

I want our daughter to go to college. If we D, it would be a huge financial burden. I want my wife to go back to school so she doesnt feel stuck with me. She doesnt want to.... She likes all the things I do around the house...

Now that I have given up on saving our marriage, things are better than ever before.... I dont understand this at all.

So if somebody can explain why that is.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Trickster said:


> My wife is started to go back to work after 10 years of being a SAHM. I have been tring to get her to work for about 5 years now. I wish she would have attempted to work part time when our daughter first started school...
> 
> Now my wife has a $17,000 job, which still isnt enough to make it on her own...not even close.
> 
> ...


You my friend "just let her go"......and that scared the crap out of her!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think tricksters reply is a good example on how effective 'letting them go" can really be.

Sure it was a risk, she could have bailed and took you up on the divorce but she saw that every one would be a loser if she didn't recommit to the marriage.


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## Placeboni (Sep 10, 2010)

@Jadiel "7) Probably my most selfish reason, but at least I admit it: I get to do whatever I want. I have a permanent upper hand in our marriage because I'm not a cheater. I don't abuse this privilege, but the fact is she never gets to be mad at me again. As far as I'm concerned, the fact I didn't cut her skin off and make a suit out of it nominates me for Man of the Year."
This.
So This.
It's cruel, but it's also true.


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## Placeboni (Sep 10, 2010)

Yeah, I think some people really do respond to that 'I don't give a damn' attitude.
I'm the opposite.. I treat my partner however he treats me, basically.
Even if I don't want to, I do it anyway.
He treated me badly for so long, I can't fight against it anymore.
He wants to lie to my face, fine, but in years to come he's going to get a serious shock when he discovers just how dishonest I can be.


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## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

Placeboni said:


> @Jadiel "7) Probably my most selfish reason, but at least I admit it: I get to do whatever I want. I have a permanent upper hand in our marriage because I'm not a cheater. I don't abuse this privilege, but the fact is she never gets to be mad at me again. As far as I'm concerned, the fact I didn't cut her skin off and make a suit out of it nominates me for Man of the Year."
> This.
> So This.
> It's cruel, but it's also true.


lol thank you. Again I don't abuse the privilege. I RARELY ever even bring it up. 

I should also add a #8) While I've never CHEATED, she has arranged for a few special encounters involving some of her more attractive friends. I gotta say that's one hell of an apology from her, and it reinforces the fact that while she behaved badly for a while (about a year i think) she does love me and want me around. I know her very best friend has ZERO interest in me and wouldn't have gone for it if she knew my wife didn't really care one way or another.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Placeboni said:


> @Jadiel "7) Probably my most selfish reason, but at least I admit it: I get to do whatever I want. I have a permanent upper hand in our marriage because I'm not a cheater. I don't abuse this privilege, but the fact is she never gets to be mad at me again. As far as I'm concerned, the fact I didn't cut her skin off and make a suit out of it nominates me for Man of the Year."
> This.
> So This.
> It's cruel, but it's also true.


I can think of crueler things then turning my cheating wife into a suit. but then again depending on the women being chained up and sexual used may not be that cruel.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

In situations where it's a bad marriage?

Because some people are a glutton for punishment.
Because some fear what life will be like if they have to get a job/work.
Because some have low self-esteem.
Because some would rather stay with an abusive, serial cheating, disrespectful spouse rather than be alone.
Because some think being divorced is worse than staying in a horrible marriage.
Because stupid.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ok ....I'll admit it...Im, still with my spouse cuz she is a freak in the basement.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

the guy said:


> You my friend "just let her go"......and that scared the crap out of her!


my wife acts as though everything is just fine. We don't discuss the open marriage, we don't talk about our conversation about not being in love, we don't discuss D, she puts her arm around me at night before we fall asleep... She still doesn't say " I love you" and I don't say that either because we dont. Not that way at least... 

I was too needy before. I am past all that now and I feel so liberated.

It's Sunday and I am at work. This morning I went swimming with our daughter and one of her friends...it was fun. My wife has the both of them now. They went to see a play.

So we are already living separately, in a way...

I don't do all that much with my wife... Especially date nights. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I need my wife's pseudo SUV to move manly project materials. Try pulling up at Home Depot drive thru lumberyard with a Mini S :rofl:

That, plus not throwing away a nice six figure income that helps numb the financial disaster of two kids in private colleges...

... Plus the food is actually quite good.

... Plus when the time to bail out comes the surprise is going to be a lot better.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

You don't want to give up until you have tried everything to work it out. That phase can go on for years. A small bit of good mixed in a sh!t load of bad. 

And still you hope.. 

Financial worry that someone who is dependent on you for years will not be self sufficient. You don't hate them and you don't want them to live in poverty. 

You leave when you know there's no hope.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

coffee4me said:


> You don't want to give up until you have tried everything to work it out. That phase can go on for years. A small bit of good mixed in a sh!t load of bad.
> 
> And still you hope..
> 
> ...


Yes, I agree, I still care for my wife. I still have that hope. Even when we D, I don't want to see her in poverty. I don't hate my wife. She is doing many of the things that I wanted her to do. I just wish I didn't have to discuss D...


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Nikita2270 said:


> People have a lot issues being alone.
> 
> There's also a lot of posts on here by women who don't work and therefore can't leave bad marriages because they're financially dependent on their loser husbands.


If a woman is in an unhappy marriage, why wouldn't she do everything she could do to better herself to get a good paying job? Why stay financially dependent on a man? 

Even if the marriage is going great, in today's world, women owesvit to them self to invest in their own future.


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## Want2babettrme (May 17, 2013)

Jadiel said:


> lol thank you. Again I don't abuse the privilege. I RARELY ever even bring it up.
> 
> I should also add a #8) While I've never CHEATED, she has arranged for a few special encounters involving some of her more attractive friends. I gotta say that's one hell of an apology from her, and it reinforces the fact that while she behaved badly for a while (about a year i think) she does love me and want me around. I know her very best friend has ZERO interest in me and wouldn't have gone for it if she knew my wife didn't really care one way or another.




I nominate Jadiel for the TAM Lemons into Lemonade award!:smthumbup:


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Wolf1974 said:


> Enough can't be said about this either. Never underestimate the power of the drama dance. Some people, male and female. Love the drama and playing the martyr, especially here on TAM. Gives them a sense of important I suppose.


While I'm sure that's true, keep in mind that life circumstances can get in the way. I've been trying to get out of my marriage for a long time. I'm finally ready to go, but it will be on the heels of my husband recovering from cancer surgery. So, please keep in mind that you may not have the entire story and that nothing is simple.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

All of the above...

Fear, fear of change, fear of the unknown...

Laziness, i.e. it is easier to put up with the problems than it is to find a solution.

I think fear is the biggest reason.


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## free2beme14 (May 2, 2014)

For me, I've kept hoping for change. Hoping the marriage counseling would work, hoping the "light would go on", hoping that he'd get back to being the man I married. 

I'm always bad about holding on a little too long.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Hope.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

ebp123 said:


> While I'm sure that's true, keep in mind that life circumstances can get in the way. I've been trying to get out of my marriage for a long time. I'm finally ready to go, but it will be on the heels of my husband recovering from cancer surgery. So, please keep in mind that you may not have the entire story and that nothing is simple.


That can be said of anything. Like the saying if you wait till you can afford to have a kid you'll never have one. Life is rarely ever convientant or a good time for such a major life change as a divorce. But life is also not infinite so the choice is yours. People whom I have known who waited years longer then they wanted to get the divorce have one common thought they all shared...they all regretted waiting too long.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Wolf1974 said:


> That can be said of anything. Like the saying if you wait till you can afford to have a kid you'll never have one. Life is rarely ever convientant or a good time for such a major life change as a divorce. But life is also not infinite so the choice is yours. People whom I have known who waited years longer then they wanted to get the divorce have one common thought they all shared...they all regretted waiting too long.


Agreed. I have waited too long. But I've also tried getting out in the midst of other crises and found I didn't have the strength. I do now. The surgery is a few weeks away, there's basic recovery time, then I'm out.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Children. My first marriage failed because it was a total mismatch (from my perspective). After the divorce, we both agreed that we should have ended it years earlier. I realize that it lasted so long because of the children.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

jld said:


> Well, I bet I could easily deal with the husband of the poster I am talking about. I would almost like to try. Not really, but you know what I mean. I just don't think it is as hard as she thinks.


I know what you mean. I think I could shut him down pretty quickly, but I probably wouldn't be very nice about it.


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