# online infidelity



## cbea1 (Oct 3, 2012)

It's been almost a year since my husband had an online affair and we went through all the usual stages and have been working through it together on building a better marriage and connection and things have been great. For some reason I've suddenly become suspicious and out of the blue feel like as paranoid and crazy as I did post affair. I think the distrust comes from him playing poker online. He loves it and hates it when I get worried about it as there are female poker buddies who he chats to. He says it's just poker and I'm being silly. Because this is one area I can't snoop into to check on him I guess I feel I have no way of easing my mind. I think trust is an issue with me still maybe as he showed no signs of being unhappy last year and the affair was so out of character and a shock and he was good at keeping it from me while still pretending to be happy and in love, so I think maybe because I have no signs to go off except his word I am scared. One of the women did however ask him to have a one on one game with him which I have never seen before. How could I handle this as he did admit last year to being addicted to online dating sites where beautiful sexy women made him feel good. He said he would never hurt me again by doing that and he was just felt a bit lost, stressed and lonely and said it was a silly thing to do. The painul flashes in my head of the romantic and sexual letters he sent still make me intensely sad and I think even now that a female poker buddy would only have to say she liked him for him to stray again. Am I worrying about nothing because of the past?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Your husband should NOT be chatting with other women online. Period.

My husband did the same thing yours did - got into the whole porn/chat/hookup thing online, and there is NO way I'd be with him today if he thought it was still ok to do what yours is. NO way.

Once they've crossed the line once and we've given them another chance, they sure as hell had better not even THINK about doing anything even remotely like what they were before.

If I were you I would install a keylogger and see exactly what he IS up to on this poker site. Many people have online EA's through game sites.


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## cbea1 (Oct 3, 2012)

Thanks Hope I like your strength, something Ive lost recently and am trying to find again


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

Hell no! I recently told mine to stop talking to this woman he was talking to for 3 hours a day and making excuse after excuse, lie after lie to continue talking to her. Install a keylogger. DO IT! That will ease your trust issues and he'll never even have to know.


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## dmz (Sep 14, 2012)

Hi....sorry you had to go through that mess.....I am man and know how easy both men and women get caught up on their cell phones, facebook and all this technology that makes it real easy to cheat....I always go with my gut...if you feel it in your spirit, you have to confront him since he has already done his dirt....... at this point he owes you big time.....so there should be no privacy for him for a while until he earns your trust again.....you have to do this for your own peace of mind.....have a serious talk and don't hold back on what you need now.....if he is truly trying to change and win your heart,,,,then he won't have any problem sharing his passwords to all his accounts along with having you sit with him as he deletes any :"unnecessary" accounts ...... let him know this is a dealbreaker for you......the truth always comes to the light.....


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Your husband should NOT be chatting with other women online. Period.
> 
> My husband did the same thing yours did - got into the whole porn/chat/hookup thing online, and there is NO way I'd be with him today if he thought it was still ok to do what yours is. NO way.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:
There is no way he should be engaging in ANY activity that causes you to be concerned that he will try to hook up again. Absolutely no way in hell should he be doing one on one activities with women. Why on earth would he WANT to put himself in that situation? I would do as Hope suggested, at the very least to ease your mind. But no, there should be NO one on one games with women. And any conversations with women in the poker games (I assume it is random who is put in each game?) should be visible to EVERYONE, not private.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Keylogger in his computer would probably be more useful than anything else. If he is just playing poker you will be able to see it. If he get inappropriate you will know what you need to know. He hasn't changed and it's only a matter of opportunity.


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## jelichmann (Apr 5, 2012)

You are not worrying about nothing. In fact, online poker is probably one of the worst hobbies he could take up if it has literally been less than a year since he got caught up in online infidelity.

Of course he's going to tell you that you're being silly. Even if he's not doing it deliberately, it sounds like he may be setting himself up to enable an online affair(s) again in the future.

If there were no reason for your paranoia, that would be one thing, but there IS a reason. Your husband is much too close to temptation for you NOT to be paranoid about it. I would be paranoid too! 

I don't think it's been nearly long enough for him to be engaging in a kind of hobby. Especially if this is a new hobby that he's developed since having those affairs, do not stand for it. There are plenty of off-line hobbies that he can partake in… Ones that wouldn't make you suspicious. Heck, I'm sure there are places to play poker in real life if that's what he really wants to do.

Don't let him rug sweep the severity of his online affair. He has done massive damage to your marriage, he has caused an immense amount of pain and stress to you, and now he feels like he should be able to go on with his life as if nothing happened? 

No. Infidelity requires change. 

He must take special measures to regain your trust if your marriage is ever to reignite to its former glory, and online poker is NOT one of those special measures. 

This isn't even something that you need to see a therapist for… He just needs to get off the computer! As I said, there's too much temptation there.


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

You being 'worried/concerned' is ALL it should take for him to immediately STOP any activity whatsoever. HIS actions alone caused you to doubt/question his motives/actions now; so HE alone should be doing what it takes to regain your TRUST. That requires total TRANSPARENCY! Simply Amorous has great information available on this site as to what total transparency is; you should print that and go over it with your husband. He needs to understand HIS actions going forward are what's going to make/break your relationship. HE screwed up; now he Needs to FIX it!!!!!!! Period!!! 

I forgot who on this site said this originally, but it really hits home in regards to Trust: "Trust takes years to build, seconds to break, and forever to repair" 

I liked this so much, I printed it out and hung it on the bulletin board in our office.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Or you could unplug him from the inet if he is willing to be married he should be willing to do anything to help make you feel more secure after all it was his previous actions that led to this 

Good Luck


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## cbea1 (Oct 3, 2012)

Thankyou everyone for your help


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

No, no, no, no...he should not be doing ANYTHING that would even HINT at leading to another EA. It's going to take you a long while to be able to trust him again and he needs to earn that trust back, no matter how long it takes. No chatting with women online, no 'private' games, nothing of the sort. 

If he can't see how this might be a problem for you, then you have a bigger problem and either you need marriage counseling or you need to start thinking about leaving this relationship.


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