# Need esp mens input



## summer10 (Jul 15, 2010)

My husband continues to use porn in private and look at naked pictures of women on the web and has no interest in any kind of intimite relationship with me. We've had our marriage issues but this lack of any any closeness is driving me farther and farther away. I am out of town a lot for work and know (from computer history) that he's on the computer consistantly while I'm gone. Even when I'm home, he sneaks out of bed during the night or in the morning and satisfies himself with these "other women" - I don't even get a hug. He says he loves me, talks of our "future", he talks alot and I listen and listen to his stories. It's pretty much a one sided conversation most the time. He interupts me and finishes my stories... all of these things together make me feel unvalued in every way. The first time I found the porn we had a big blow up (very unusal for me to loose it like that), I told him how it made me feel esp based on his lack of wanting to be close to me in any way. It really felt like a slap in the face and I tried to explain all of this. He said he understood, that it wouldn't happen again, that he was sorry... worked and worked on getting it all out of the computer but ... as soon as I left he was at it again. He'd told me that he thought it would HELP him be a better lover ... he does have E.D. and we've talked through all of that and I keep trying to tell him there's more to love making than the "act" of copulation. I can't seem to get him to understand it... seems to me that he only relates now to what his penis can do or not. I've made it clear that sex can be fine for me with our without copulation. It seems that he doesn't want anything more than his pleasure and doesn't want to take the time it might take to please me and this hurts me. I'm attractive, in good shape and people have asked if I'm his daughter. Other men find me attractive thank goodness or I would have lost all self confidence by now. We sleep in the same bed but he does nothing to make me feel cared for. I have suspected at various times that he's seeing someone or pining over a past love (he had a "relationship" with his high school sweetheart a few years ago that he swears was only online and phone converstaions... the love poem was what busted him). Since I'm out of town for several weeks at a time, I don't know what he's doing. We've been married 20 yrs but started our relationship while he was married. I'm not proud of this at all and keep thinking of how easily he lied to his prev wife to see me. Trust is not there. Any thoughts on this esp from a guys perspective would be appreciated. I haven't talked to him about this since the blow up a couple years ago... no idea how to approach it. I'm sure he'll deny it...gt angry.. defensive.... but I've seen the history, so would be another lie that I'm avoiding hearing I guess. Ideas on how to bring it up? To most people he appears to be the perfect husband.. holds my hand in PUBLIC, smiles, flirts... it all seems so fake to me since home is very different. Just makes me more suspicious. Why would he do this?


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Hmmm..I will not pick on the way your relationship started…

He knows what he is doing; he is doing this intentionally, he is fully aware that this hurts you and more to the point he does not care

What do you do?

You can re-emphasis the boundaries.
Send him to a sex therapist to help him learn ways to improve intimacy in the marriage.
Follow the standard counselling route to understand if there is something you and he need to do and help resolve his porn issues.

Ultimately and alas reading your words I will summarise “methinks this man is not going to change unless there is an earth moving experience”. 

I think after 20 years this man has grown tired and does not seem to want to or have incentive to chase you. You say you are an attractive woman – his loss; I guess a busty, scantily clad bimbo on the Internet seems to be his desire. 

What is the way forward for you?

Put up with it for the rest of your married life.
This part is not a joke I know someone who does it – feed him a little blue pill before bedtime

Or sadly move on with your life and be with someone who loves you, desires you and wants to please you because they want to be with you.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

I used to deal with a couple of folk in Ireland and they would say “He needs a kick up his jacksie”


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## summer10 (Jul 15, 2010)

Thank you... I really appreciate your comments. I do know I deserve someone who truly cares for me I guess I just keep hoping that at some point he'll take initiative to do something... all that time on the web and he doesn't try to learn about being a better partner (in all ways) for me. I read alot about relationships and being a better partner. This would at least show me that he wants to work at it, but maybe it's just not there for him. I've really wondered if he's trying to PUSH me away and make me leave him as he wouldn't ever want the stigma of being the one to leave me. I've wanted to let him know that I'm aware he's back on the porn sites and lingere sites - not sure he would feel that it's wrong. The lingere sites used to not bother me so much but considering they're replacing me, it has hurt my self esteem, more than I realized. I'm not feeling like being with him due to all of this and am self conscience since I don't have that kind of perfect body (still pretty good 5'7" 140lbs). Seems obvious that I don't "turn him on". I'm thinking of writing him a letter to try to explain how I feel. He's not good at listening, he just gets defensive; would prefer to tell in person but without a counselor present I don't see it getting "heard". Thoughts? Like the idea of "kick up his jacksie".. have wanted to do that for a while!


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## summer10 (Jul 15, 2010)

StarshipTrooper... you are awesome! Love it... 

Problem is that he'd take it as a que to "have sex" NOW which is not what I'm looking for. I can't go from 0 to 60 after all of this time. My feeling about "making love" is that it's something you do ALL the time every day with the person you love. Showing them love & compassion, treating them like they are the light of your world, and in doing that, you WANT that intimacy at the end of the day with that person. With out this, and then tacking on the feeling of "rejection" for so long, it makes it difficult for me to WANT to give and be with him. Add to this, that it's obvious that the "sex" is not about pleasing me .. it's about his pleasure ..sadly.. he even admitted this to me once when I asked. I really thought that might make him "think" about what was going on. At this point, your idea for the letter might be whats needed to wake him UP - presuming he wants to be. Thank you.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Summer10

Have him checked at the doc to see if he has low testosterone. It can happen to men and there is a fix. I understand they would give him a patch to wear on his shoulder and after a few weeks he should be back to form.


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## summer10 (Jul 15, 2010)

Actually, he's probably HIGH testoserone. He had testicular cancer and was tested and was not low but border line so the Dr agreed to prescribe. At one point the Dr let him talk him into a higher dose (didn't check levels and hasn't the entire time ... 8 yrs or so?) and he was really wacky then, we almost divorced. He does get aggitated more easily which is why discussion on "issues" in the marriage are impossible at a NORMAL level. He has at times gotten very "scary" when I disagree (and seriously... I am not an arguing woman... I like to "reason" through things in normal voice). I appreciate the thought but liked him better when he was borderline low ... he at least wanted to be with me then. He's obsessed with the testostrone now... gel ... on belly every 24hrs or he's freak'in out that he's behind schedule and not sure what he thinks will happen if he's an hour late using it. It has been a negative to our relationships, not a positive.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Hi Summer10:

I suspect you are not going to go on like this especially if this is a taste of your future.

Perhaps, I need a smack on the head for saying this; you need to move monies, lots of monies, to a secure account and plan for the move. This is based on what you have written; you know the details we can’t see. 

Do this steadily and plan every step, to the point that you know where you are going to stay, the rental arrangements and the date. Find a good lawyer. 

This is for YOU, I firmly believe once you make the change and should you be permanently separated in the future you will find someone who loves you as you deserve. 

No easy decision, look into your heart, can you take the pain for the rest of your life or do you want a chance of happiness as you mature in years. Some marriages do end for the right reason. It looks like this could be one of them.


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