# Seperated and frind is living with me now..thoughts..



## 2betex (May 16, 2012)

Well here is a story for you.. I was married for 28 years and now separated. We were a blind date and married at the justice of the piece. Sometimes, I wonder why, we did not do what we had to do to save the marriage, we did marriage counselors, independent counselors and even went to a law firm to see if the shock would shock us back into reality… funny thing we went to talk and during the discussion she pulled the trigger… I was shocked and stunned.. Not what we had talked about before we went. I guess the codependent chick saw the opportunity to cripple me again.. Not the first time… 

She was caught kissing my neighbor during my last term in College, not when we were young when I was 45 and jamming thought a second degree in 16 months. She always had a habit of kicking me when I was in a high pressure situation. Like she was not getting enough attention so she had to create it… hmmm A new observation.

Well we have been separated for 6 months now, at least legally, mentally it has been years, we lived the façade,, Everyone thought we would last a lifetime. 

Here is the interesting thing, I met a girl almost two years ago, we hit it off, I just never did anything as I was still married. Old world value system, I guess… We got along great and she is cool.. Well she moved to another state to get away and relocate her kids for a better life.. Well that went up in smoke as her ex-husband reneged on the deal and started a legal battle for her kids. He has temp custody. We kept in contact and she would call me every two weeks or so melting done for over 10 months… I would talk her down and get her head back in the game. Well this January she had enough and was totally freaked out, her brother was treating her like crap (wherre she lived0 and she came back and moved in with me.

Well I am the only one who knows what she went through and she is ashamed of it at times, I do not care as I see her for who she is and can be. I really care about her and her kids, they really like me. As I treat them with respect and we relax together and enjoy each other. 

However at one time I did express my interest in her, and she did me also but she seems to have forgotten that. Now every once in a while out of the blue she says she believes it is unhealthy for her to be living with me. Never get a clear answer of what this means, she always say it is because her I expressed interest in her at one time and she is concerned that I may go crazy if she leaves.. Funny we have had this discussion a few times and I always say there is plenty of doors and windows she can leave at any time. 

I would miss her terribly because I do care about deeply but I know better at this time to say anything or act on it. I keep it to myself. And just try to help her get her life back together.

Last weekend, she had a few too many drinks, bad weekend with the kids, they were at her sister’s house and did not have a good time.. She said they wanted to be here with me. Now her sister is a manipulative narcissist and has done nothing but steer my friend in wrong directions and provided bad influences to her. I would hate to see her move in with her as she abuses my friend like a tool… Even she knows it. 

She keeps telling that we can never have a relationship. Even though she stays with me and I always explain to her she can leave at any time. She said this week that she does not love me. Have no idea of where this came from. I have never said a showed anything like this to her. I really do care a lot for her, unconditionally. But I hide extremely well, as she needs to get her life back in order. 
She constantly tests me, she even admits to it. Based on her wacked out sisters opinion of me.. Who has no idea who I am? Only met me for 10 minutes last xmas when my friend wanted me to meet her kids and see her when she flew back for Xmas… 

We have known each other for almost two years and never had an argument… weird, we talk for day, weeks, and months about stuff, Her other sister even said we get along like to peas in a pod and are really good for each other. We have all these discussions and pretty much everything we have in common are way close, she wants what I want, she say things that I totally agree with. Everything we both want are similar and in the same direction.. It is freaky to a point that either she has been lying to me or we have so much in common that is scares her to death.. and she cannot admit it.

I treat her great, with respect and comfort and kindness, her kids even see this, as I treat them the same way.. They really like me. When does a 14 year old girl become fond of a guy she has only met a few times and tells her mom she likes me a lot.. I think that speaks volumes.. Even her 13 year old son really digs me.. He calls me the best guy her mom has ever known… 

She has never had a guy treat here as well as I do, I have a good job, money not rich, I am a nice guy, good heart and like to be active but not a jock. Well the last shocker she through at me out of the blue is that she does not love me and we cannot have relationship and it is unhealthy for her to be here with me. I never put pressure on her unless she asked for help Maybe I am nuts but I think she cares a lot but having someone care for her like I do freaks here… She has never had a guy like me in her life. I do not control or ask much of her just for her accept to take care of her business… 

She always says she is testing me to see if I am hiding my intention.. I guess, I would jump at the chance to be with her forever but I would never confess this to her.. I do not understand why she would keep testing me to see my reaction to some of her comments.. I think she is scared of me as I said I am totally different than any of other boyfriends… this type of statement get more intense after she talks to her sister. It is like her one sister does not want her to be happy… Maybe I am nuts what say you??


----------



## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

I'd say split your text in readable part, use blank lines etc. etc.

It's basicly unreadable now


----------



## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I'm going to be "not so nice"... You are being her girlfriend; Not her boyfriend.

If you wanted it to be something else, I'm sorry. You let yourself become her shoulder to cry on and her support person and the person she goes to too talk about relationship issues. Bet you even thought if she moved in, she’d become something more. Are you even dating anyone or just sitting around pining away for someone who has already told you she isn’t into you that way?


----------



## 2betex (May 16, 2012)

Racer said:


> I'm going to be "not so nice"... You are being her girlfriend; Not her boyfriend.
> 
> If you wanted it to be something else, I'm sorry. You let yourself become her shoulder to cry on and her support person and the person she goes to too talk about relationship issues. Bet you even thought if she moved in, she’d become something more. Are you even dating anyone or just sitting around pining away for someone who has already told you she isn’t into you that way?


 She lives with me as she had no where else to go at the time.. When she left her brothers house (he ripped her off) and she left broke and spritually exausted. She had no where else to go. Her own family her would not help support her. they are a bad influence to say the least..She even know it ...Unless they could get something from her. Which she has nothing.. I have to consider one thing though. As far as dating goes, my ex wife and i do go out and have a lot of fun.... We contantly talk. however I do not pursue other women. Between work, ex wife and this girl my time is booked pretty tight. I am not sitting around pining though. I do care but am old enough to know better.. If she see me as a girlfriend... Why all the testing and wierd statements? I know she is sort of messed up.. but I know that I have to move on but I have this thing about helping her and her kids get out of the cycle of crap they are in..


----------



## 2betex (May 16, 2012)

See_Listen_Love said:


> I'd say split your text in readable part, use blank lines etc. etc.
> 
> It's basicly unreadable now


Sorry hopefully bette rnow.. I used wordpad and a cut and paste. On top of this I was exhausted..


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I realize you are stressed over this situation. Your post needs some serious EDITING, but I’ve tried to distill it down to the essentials. I barely made it past paragraph #10 and am NOT sure how many others will make it that far.


Wife of 28 years was caught kissing neighbor.
You and wife tried MC, IC, everything. 
Wife pulled the trigger and asked for divorce; you were SHOCKED.
You and wife have been separated for 6 months.
You and wife still go out and ‘have fun’ socially.


You have Woman Friend (WF) you have known approx. 2 years.
WF’s life is a mess.
WF lives with you because she has no money and nowhere else to live.
WF’s family will NOT help her.
WF’s 13yo & 14yo kids LIKE you, and vice versa.
You love WF and could see spending your life with her, but you will NOT tell her because…
WF has ‘friend-zoned’ you. She has declared that she cannot be romantic with you.
She feels it is ‘unhealthy’ to continue living with you.
You believe that although WF has SAID that clearly, other things she has said lead you to believe differently.
*If ANYTHING I have put down is INCORRECT, then PLEASE post a correction so that we have your story accurately! *

IF (and that’s a BIG “if”) I have your story straight as per above, then my advice would be.


Tell WF she has until April 15th to move out (6 weeks’ notice). It’s not fair to you OR the kids to keep this going on when it’s going NOWHERE.


Stop dating your estranged wife. If you already 'love' another woman MORE THAN HER, then what's the point? Are you afraid to be alone?


Get into IC and find out WHY you are mixed up about these two women. If, in IC, you determine that you should be with estranged wife, then get back into couples counseling WITH HER and fix it. Or, if you determine you should NOT be with her, give up the notion of reconciling with her and MOVE ON. Moving on means NO MORE DATING HER. EVER. No dinners, no concerts, no ‘getting together’ for ANYTHING. Moving on means moving on to SOMEWHERE else in your life where you can meet SOMEONE else in your life.
*You are NEVER going to have a relationship with WF.* She has FLAT OUT told you she does not feel that way about you! She is right, it IS unhealthy for her to continue living there with you; *it’s unhealthy FOR YOU!* She feels guilty about mooching off you (to any degree, whether it’s a little or a lot) because she KNOWS she’s never going to give you what you want: A relationship with her. She gets MAJOR POINTS for being honest instead of a gold-digger! She’s not willing to put out the sex to get you to pay her bills; good on HER! Since she is being HONEST about how she feels about you, PLEASE do her kids and yourself a favor and put yourselves out of misery. You two are screwing with her kids’ heads!

*I think YOU need to work on both self-esteem issues and setting/enforcing healthy boundaries issues in IC. Do this BEFORE you get involved with ANY woman *(estranged wife, new woman) *in a serious manner!

I know this is NOT what you wanted to hear, but it’s the truth as I see it. *

*


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

sounds like she is taking advantage of you.

send her packing .....you state a few times that her x is bad and her sister is bad but somehow I thinks its her thats bad she sounds very manipulative I"d watch your back this girl is out for number 1 only. and that would be Her.


----------



## 2betex (May 16, 2012)

coffee4me said:


> You say your stbxw of 28 years is a codependent chick and you are divorcing.
> 
> Then months after separating from her you let a woman move in with you. This woman is good she has been done wrong by everyone in her life. She lost custody of her children, cannot support herself and her family is terrible to her. She is quite the victim, quite the damsel in distress.
> 
> ...


I get your opinion, all I am really doing is getting her back on her feet. She is not a total victim and I am not playing resue her. Just helping her until she gets back to work, She is going t o pay me back. yes I do care about her but I stand very far back and help her with getting her life back together, She has not lost her kids, just has a crazy ex husband that is holding them for the temp Child support. she is going to court nect week to set this straight. Yes she has been really depressed and I have helped get her legs back, Some may say she is crazy, which in a way she is. I just try to keep her pointing in a direction that she has asked me to. 

She will be moving out soon and going back to her wacked out sisters house. we willkeep in touch and I will continue to help her not finacially but from a support perspective. we are good friend I just care about her a lot. I know my limits and all the feedback I receive is great and I need this type of conter point. Thanks I do need to opinion of other who look in from the outside. I always try to be open minded...


----------



## 2betex (May 16, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> I realize you are stressed over this situation. Your post needs some serious EDITING, but I’ve tried to distill it down to the essentials. I barely made it past paragraph #10 and am NOT sure how many others will make it that far.
> 
> 
> Wife of 28 years was caught kissing neighbor.
> ...


For the most part you are correct. Although I am not low on self-esteem, just juggling my feelings and my job and life. WF is not taking advantage of me. We have an agreement that she will pay me back. Yes I do care for her however, I know the possibility of us getting together are slim to none. that is why I have never taken that step. I do need to clear my head and get my "act" together... I get that, one reason why we talk to each other like this. We both know it and we do discuss it. 

We are not screwing with the kids, the most important thing to me is keeping the kids sane and in good shape. they like to come over to my place as it is a haven where they can be with thier Mom and not stress.... their dad and his new wife screw with them all the time and treat them like little slaves and run them down.. Breaking thier spirit. I am a very positive person and try not to take sides but bottom line is the kids need the opportunity to better them selves. I just try to assit not too much but when asked. I do not control anything, I believe in indepandance and not messing with the situation. I never suggest anyting. 

I have no real expectatins accpet to be there so assist and help as a true friend should. Sure I can wish but I know better.

As far as my ex goes, she knows how I feel about this situation. She is probably my best friend., as stupid as that sounds. She know I am messed up in the head. I have had a lot of crap happen to me in the last 5 years and she helps me through it. 

yes it is hard on both of us (ex) but we do have history and she filed for a reason we still do not understand. At that moment in time we were in a discovery mode to see if it would shock us to get our head together. We both ran out of gas. I am in an IC presently, and this is why I am venting to outsiders like this. 


I know my feelings, but that is why i ask for opinioins, My roommate will be leaving soon but we will always keep in touch, as we do have something special and we both talk about it. 

We both care deeply for each other and have expressed this on many occasions. that is why we do have to get apart like my ex and I did. I need the space and the mental clarity to clear up. But I would also never let my WF hit the streets and be alone. 

My ex and myself had been her friend before all of this happened. I know in my heart this is a bad setup and am in the process of changing it. It is just wierd and the timing was really messed up for all parties in this life. 

I will be taking all this in. but the real probelm is all of this happening in such a short amount of time that I did do knee jerk reactions and and over stepped my own sensibilites. 

However I do care for both the Ex and WF.. that is what is so messed up... in a perfect world I will at some point meet the combination of them both.. 

your thoughts. I would like to think I am open minded.


----------



## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Maybe you suffer from the Nice Guy Syndrome.

I would advise to read 'No More Mr. Nice Guy'. There is a free PDF on the internet. Some people here have the link in their signature. Search.

If you implement the things in this book your life will change drastically.


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

2BTex Keep telling yourself the same old BS See where that gets you


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You let yourself get friend zoned by another codependent. What do you think that says about you?


----------

