# Need a hug



## LilysMom (Jan 10, 2015)

Looking for advise on what to do when you just need a hug and you don't have any friends or family around. Going through divorce can get so lonely, especially when all you had in life was your husband and your kids. Don't say ask the kids, I already tried. LOL. Ask soon to be ex, no way. I've given everything and everybody up for this marriage and my family. I look around in this time of need, and realize that I've got no one


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

LilysMom said:


> Looking for advise on what to do when you just need a hug and you don't have any friends or family around. Going through divorce can get so lonely, especially when all you had in life was your husband and your kids. Don't say ask the kids, I already tried. LOL. Ask soon to be ex, no way. I've given everything and everybody up for this marriage and my family. I look around in this time of need, and realize that I've got no one


I'm sorry. Is there a reason you don't have friends locally? Can you go to some Mom's group, or a group for the newly separated or divorced? They seem to have them in every city or town. At the least, you will find out how many women are going through this...not just you. At best, you will click with a few women and make some new friends.

I am newly separated, but we didn't have children, so maybe that makes it easier for me to adjust. I think emotions must run especially high for a mom. But it will get better...I do think you need to find some time to meet some female friends, or platonic male friends, people you can learn to trust and talk to about your feelings. There are a lot of people out there who would like the chance to be your friend...or even just go to a group to listen. Good luck, feel better.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

This may not help. But you might surprised how many people might come to your aid if you let them know. 

Even casual acquaintances can become good friends in a crisis. 

I would say my silver lining of my divorce is how many of my friends came to my rescue. But, I had to let them now that I was in distress. They didn't know that I was in a bad place until I let them now. Even now my friends are watching out for me.


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## LilysMom (Jan 10, 2015)

I've been so focused on my family, that in the 10 years, I never made an effort to make friends. I was always a bit of an introvert, but I had my husband. I thought for very long that that was all I needed. I have my parents and sister, but they live very far away. I use to visit them often early on in our marriage, but as plane fares got more expensive, my husband allowed the trips less frequently. I joined a divorce support group, early on when he first asked me for the divorce. But we made an attempt at reconciliation and that was the end of going to that. Our reconciliation attempt just recently failed. I think at this point, there's no going back. Maybe I should start considering going back to a divorce support group.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

Yes...go back to the group, or to another one. I am gearing myself up to drop in on a group or two, maybe more social than therapeutic, it is not easy, i am kind of shy as well. But we all need other adults close by.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You need to start cultivating friends and a support system. The divorce group is a good idea.

Also look at Find your people - Meetup They should have lots of things going on where you live. You can just go and attend any of the activities. It's a great way to meet people.


{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

I'm wondering if you mean "hug" in the literal sense, not just figuratively (as in emotional support).



I wonder because at times during the last couple of years in my difficult marriage, I have been aware of being starved for physical touch, including a well-meant supportive hug.



I am going to reply assuming you are at least partly interested in the literal sort of hug.



Looking back in my life, the only places hugs seemed to happen between near strangers were (1) at the conclusion of Adult Children of Alcoholic (ACoA) meetings I attended, and (2) at the end of church service (at one particular church).



I actually tried a (legitimate) massage therapist a couple of times, partly wondering if that experience of touch might have some supportive value, but it did not for me (probably because, well, the emotional supportive connection that ultimately is what I hunger for just wasn't part of it).



I've seen a mother and teen daughter hug my (pschologist/LFMT) therapist on the way out of their appointment. Seemed natural and appropriate for them, but I wont be giving that a try (seems out of bounds for a middle aged man to be hugging his female therapist).



Perhaps there are volunteering opportunities that would either help you find some new friends, or put you in situations where people are open to a supportive hug. If you like pets, volunteering at an animal shelter might feel good.



Btw, not exactly what you were asking for, but I came across a TV series recently on Netflix that really captures for me with dignity and grace what it means to be human, and how humans need and relate to others. First two episodes are sad, I will warn you, but somehow maybe one might feel less lonely or at least more determined to seek connections, after watching. It is called "Derek".


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## msT (Jan 3, 2015)

I can empathize. We've uprooted twice in the last 5 years and I've poured so much of myself into taking care of my home and family that I never went out and built a support system for myself. 
Hugs from me.


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## HandyMan (Nov 23, 2014)

Something that has helped me I started going to church again. I ended up going there for new years eve. I walked in not knowing a sole in the place and walked out with several friends. 

I too spent all my time and energy on my marriage and family. I'm just starting to realize how many friends I really did have once I started reaching out or letting them in.


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## LilysMom (Jan 10, 2015)

I mainly mean hug in the literal sense. My family, parents and sister, are not "huggers". Maybe it's a cultural thing, but it is something I've come to accept and understand about them. It may have even rubbed off on me a bit because I still get an awkward feeling anytime A person that is not my husband or children hug me. 

Over the past 10 years, my husband and I grew completely and hopelessly sexually incompatible. It was always the elephant in the room. He grew very very resentful with me over my low, virtually nonexistent sex drive (this occurred over time) To the point that I stopped feeling like I was even a person and was only worth something to him, if I had sex with him. I began feeling like a prostitue in my own marriage, and having sex became more and more difficult for me to provide for him. He even went as far recently to tell me that he can't love me, unless he has sex with me. Hugs have become less frequent between us, as he is more often then not, angry and resentful with me, and I am so fearful that a hug could never be just a hug with him, but a sign that he was going to get sex. None the less, he is the only one I've grown close enough to be comfortable with hugs (and my children of course). 

My world is my family, and now because of the changes that are being thrust upon me, I need to take a step out of my 5 person world and stop hiding out and being so afraid to make connections with other people. (This is very difficult for me.). Our marriage failing has been both of our faults, I can accept that. So much damaging hurt that even 2 rounds of marriage counseling over the middle and end of our marriage couldn't help. It's a sad case of he hurt me, I hurt him, he can't get over, I can't get over. He will never love me for me. Neither of us will ever change. Etc. Etc. We weren't even able to keep it together for the kids who really truly are our world. I love him, with all my heart, but he knows just as I do, that we are probably the last two people on earth that should be together. I am so saddened by this reality... I wish I had shoulder to cry on or even a hug so I didn't feel like I was going through this alone.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

LilysMom said:


> I mainly mean hug in the literal sense. My family, parents and sister, are not "huggers". Maybe it's a cultural thing, but it is something I've come to accept and understand about them. It may have even rubbed off on me a bit because I still get an awkward feeling anytime A person that is not my husband or children hug me.
> 
> Over the past 10 years, my husband and I grew completely and hopelessly sexually incompatible. It was always the elephant in the room. He grew very very resentful with me over my low, virtually nonexistent sex drive (this occurred over time) To the point that I stopped feeling like I was even a person and was only worth something to him, if I had sex with him. I began feeling like a prostitue in my own marriage, and having sex became more and more difficult for me to provide for him. He even went as far recently to tell me that he can't love me, unless he has sex with me. Hugs have become less frequent between us, as he is more often then not, angry and resentful with me, and I am so fearful that a hug could never be just a hug with him, but a sign that he was going to get sex. None the less, he is the only one I've grown close enough to be comfortable with hugs (and my children of course).
> 
> My world is my family, and now because of the changes that are being thrust upon me, I need to take a step out of my 5 person world and stop hiding out and being so afraid to make connections with other people. (This is very difficult for me.). Our marriage failing has been both of our faults, I can accept that. So much damaging hurt that even 2 rounds of marriage counseling over the middle and end of our marriage couldn't help. It's a sad case of he hurt me, I hurt him, he can't get over, I can't get over. He will never love me for me. Neither of us will ever change. Etc. Etc. We weren't even able to keep it together for the kids who really truly are our world. I love him, with all my heart, but he knows just as I do, that we are probably the last two people on earth that should be together. I am so saddened by this reality... I wish I had shoulder to cry on or even a hug so I didn't feel like I was going through this alone.


I promise you, you will get plenty of hugs if you can bring yourself to go to a support group...


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

So, are any of the things mentioned things you are open to and would be comfortable trying?

Do any of them make you feel anxious or concerned when you contemplate them?


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

Hugs are important. even in light of the problems in my marriage, I still give my wife a hug...EVERY morning when I greet her.

that being said....Here's one for you my friend. 

*big strong hug* You hang in there, k? I'm new here too and I have already seen many kind souls. Stick around, we're here for you.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Years ago, when I was going through a tough time, I volunteered to read stories at an old folks home. Found myself holding their hands and hugging them. It was food for my soul.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

My daughter has a T-shirt that says "Free Hugs".
She wears it sometimes and she always comes home all hugged out. But she loves the expression on peoples faces.

The group sounds ideal and I highly encourage you to go. Like minded people will understand and nobody there will fault you for trying to save your marriage. Deep down we all want them to work.

In my family, hugging is as natural as breathing, so consider yourself hugged by a 6 foot tall, Scottish bear...

It's gonna be alright.
Trust me. 
I have walked this path as well.


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## LilysMom (Jan 10, 2015)

Thank you for the support. I am looking for a group to join again. The prospect of this does make me anxious. For one, meeting new people and opening up to them is challenging. Two, I know this is another step in the direction that it really is over between me and my husband. But I need to look at it as, once my husband and I finalize, I will be on my own, and this essentially needs to happen sooner than later. He has committed himself to the change, I need to take my first steps as well, no matter what I'm feeling.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

I am in the same place, as far as needing to meet people, join something, etc...but it helps if you realize that there will always be other new people at these things...and that everyone else was new at one time.


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