# I have medical issues and husband won't accept me ): ):



## Caileag87 (3 mo ago)

I could really use some advice, I'm so down just now. 

My husband and I have been together for 16 years, so quite a long relationship.

Generally our sex life has been good and frequent and we are both on similar page and well suited in that way. I'll admit that there has been some periods of time where I have rejected him for a while due to tiredness / body image issues which I knew hurt his feelings, but there have been more 'good' times than bad. He got lazy with effort in bedroom a couple of years ago but I said something and things were good. 

Recently I have female gynae issues and I'll need surgery. Here in UK the waiting lists are crazy, so I don't know when it will be. My issues are related to childbirth 13 years ago but only worsened recently. I can still technically have sex, but the issues are horrible and make me feel so unfeminine and sex uncomfortable and I am 'loose' now when I wasn't before. If things get any worse then sex won't be even possible until after healing from surgery. 

Husband is not a talker or good communicator, so I spent time over a week, trying to get through to him how this is making me feel - I feel like my body has failed me and I'm trying to frame it better but struggling. I told him about the medical problems. Eventually he said he understands and loves me and everything will be fine, we can do other things and if we have to stop sex for a while it will be okay. He said all the right things. 

Well his understanding lasted less than a day ): ): 

We had intimacy and I gave him oral. But later on the same night and next morning he kept asking for sex and I said no I'm not ready. He accused me of 'using things as an excuse' of 'just not wanting him' and he turned away from me in bed, withheld hugs, and is still sulking barely talking to me. 

I am so sad. I thought he might react like this but had hope. I am more than happy to do other intimacy. I'm angry he is treating me this way.

Okay, maybe he is reminded of previous times where I did reject him due to 'silly' issues such as my body confidence. But I still think he is so wrong. He'll never admit when he is wrong. I'm so hurt that unless he apologises and acknowledges he's hurt me, of his own accord, I don't know if I can come back from it to be honest.

Sorry for the long post. What can I do??


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

When you say sex is uncomfortable do you mean it is physically uncomfortable or is it just mentally feeling unattractive? I doubt your husband cares much if you have big vagina and that is your concern.


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## Caileag87 (3 mo ago)

It's physically uncomfortable but I'd deal with that sometimes to be close. It's really affecting me mentally, I feel really unattractive with it. It is female pelvic organ prolapse. My uterus is basically falling into my vagina. It's only partially down now but if it gets further down then sex will not be possible until after surgery ): ): 

I'm so hurt today that he was so mean about it.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Your husband is being a ****, especially since it sounds like you're willing to do other activities to replace PIV sex. 

Are you doing everything you can to get the issue resolved? Sometimes spouses drag their feet (or outright refuse) to take care of their health for various reasons, but it can cause resentment and whatnot.

Have you tried pelvic floor physiotherapy? Not sure it would help with the current level of prolapse but it might stop it from worsening and help with the "loose" feeling.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I'm sorry, but he sounds like a real jerk off.

*Stop* making excuses for his nasty, selfish, self-entitled attitude due to some times in the past when you turned him down. He's not a child so stop making excuses for him. I'm a stranger and I *already* understand the seriousness of your situation based on the few lines of text that you've provided here. And you basically spent a whole week trying to to explain to this dolt the seriousness of your medical issue and he's STILL got the complete and utter gall to start abusing you emotionally and verbally just because HE wants to have intercourse? Again, he's a real selfish jerk-off.

Do NOT risk doing further physical and medical damage just so this ass can have his way.

I would be hurt but more so, I'd be angry as HELL. I don't take disrespect lightly and that's exactly what he's doing - disrespecting you. Maybe you need to explain to him what RESPECT is and how it's shown.  smh.

PS - you make a great argument for why socialized medicine isn't the Shangri-La everyone is always trying to claim it to be. I've been reading a lot lately about people having to wait months and sometimes YEARS to get operations they need. No thanks.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Your husband is selfish and doesn’t care about you sadly. Or at least isn’t showing it. Does he know the seriousness of medical
Issue?


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## Caileag87 (3 mo ago)

Bobert, Yes I am really trying to get it resolved. I paid to see a private pelvic physio and have been doing all suggested. GP said I will need surgery and referral has been made but the wait lists are long. 

She'sStillGotIt, Yes he does have a selfish streak. I don't know what to actually do about it though. I can't face a split but he's disrespected me and hurt me so much and he will just ignore it in his typical fashion. I really just don't know anymore. Re socialised medicine, it's good if it's actually funded properly. It was good here until the current government got in 12 years ago and they are more interested in funding their billionaire cronies. Before they got in it was 8 weeks wait, 16 to treatment. Now people are literally waiting years. Sex won't make my issues any worse the physio says, or harm me, but mentally and physically it's just uncomfortable. 

SCDad01, He knows the seriousness. He _says _he cares, but yes I am doubting that at the moment. It feels like he views me as some kind of defective appliance.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

One of the biggest issues many couples have sexually is they allow PIV intercourse to interfer with their sex lives.

- Dr Psych Mom


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Caileag87 said:


> I could really use some advice, I'm so down just now.
> 
> My husband and I have been together for 16 years, so quite a long relationship.
> 
> ...


Your husband is being a selfish jerk. Don't do anything you don't want to do. If you can take care of the issues, take care of them. He sounds very immature and totally without empathy. All you can do is try to take care of your issues -- but don't be thinking he's going to give it time to heal when you do, so you might want to go stay with someone.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I am so glad I am not married right now.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Still looking for the answer as to is it a mental uncomfortablility or is it physical?? I read many saying how selfish he is, but on the flip side, him still wanting you even when YOU don't feel attractive is a good sign. Beauty in the eye.. Now that being said, if you're in pain and he's not respecting that, well, that is not cool and I would tend to agree with the whole. But please elaborate.


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## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> Still looking for the answer as to is it a mental uncomfortablility or is it physical?? I read many saying how selfish he is, but on the flip side, him still wanting you even when YOU don't feel attractive is a good sign. Beauty in the eye.. Now that being said, if you're in pain and he's not respecting that, well, that is not cool and I would tend to agree with the whole. But please elaborate.


How about look at post #3


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## Caileag87 (3 mo ago)

Oldshirt, nice quote. We've always had quite a lot of non-PIV in our relationship, especially oral on him, so I thought that would be okay, at least until I figure things out. 

DownByTheRiver. Yes, he does often lack empathy. Usually comes through in the end though. 

Bullfrog1987. That's difficult to say because they are connected, I suppose both. It's difficult to feel attractive when you have defects in your vaginal walls!! and also I'm uncomfortable in my daily life, not allowed to lift hardly anything, discomfort walking, toilet issues etc, because of this. Sex itself is a bit uncomfortable but also pleasurable in some positions, but it does hurt afterwards for a couple of days. 
I suppose the truth is that I'm really aware my anatomy is not in it's correct place. I'm only 35 ): ):. This is causing me general life and career issues, but yes, the mental impact of things not being right sexually too, like the equipment all works still but it is not in it's correct place.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Lotsofheart73 said:


> How about look at post #3


Oh yes, I must have scrolled too fast!! EEEEK.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Caileag87 said:


> .......Generally our sex life has been good and frequent and we are both on similar page and well suited in that way.* I'll admit that there has been some periods of time where I have rejected him for a while due to tiredness / body image issues which I knew hurt his feelings*.....
> 
> Recently I have female gynae issues and I'll need surgery. ..... *I can still technically have sex, but the issues are horrible and make me feel so unfeminine and sex uncomfortable* and I am 'loose' now when I wasn't before. If things get any worse then sex won't be even possible until after healing from surgery.
> 
> ...


*What can you do?* Please note, you didn't ask what he should do. You also have a lot of self-awareness of the problem and your share of its historic start. Finally, you should be congratulated on addressing the medical condition with your doctor in a heath care system that rations medical care. You are looking for a solution that you can implement or at least gain control of the situation.

*Things you can do:*

Ask him to forgive you for when you rejected him sexually. Tell him that you now understand how hurtful it can feel to be sexually rejected. If you do feel this way, tell him how much you love him and how you will promise to work at your marriage, but you will need his help. Also tell him how much you sexually desire him.

Ask him to help you as you try to work on solutions and get the medical care you have been told that you need. Tell him that you need his support now more than ever.

Your comment about him needing to apologize first is both understandable and tragic. He is being childish and hurt and you are acting childish and hurt. This is not going to do anything but make your marriage crisis worse. One of you needs to step up and be the adult first, so that the other can as well. Don't make sex into a power struggle.

Let's put this in context. Your marriage sexual problem just didn't start with the birth of your last child. It probably has its roots long before that and neither of you were willing to address it or deal with it. Both of you did a rug sweep and kept the real problems out of sight, for the most part. You and your H have allowed it to fester for a long time. At some point the two of you will need to address it, forgive each other, and work toward a solution.

Again, context. If you remain married, as you both age both of you will become more fragile. What is that going to mean in regards to PIV sexual intercourse? There could be medical problems that result in your H's impotence or at least ED that could make PIV intermittent at best. You could have arthritis, back problems, hip problems, etc. that would make PIV nearly impossible. So what do couples do in such situations? They find other was to share intimacy and trade sexuality for sensuality. There are lots of Senior resources about how to "make love" as you get older. Learn from your elders.

It will take courage and persistence on your part to rebuild your relationship with your husband and more importantly it will take his willingness to embrace change. *You have demonstrated persistence in talking to your H until he listens and responds appropriately.* To help you, I will give you four articles to read, that may help you think about this as a temporary wake up call to your future, if you want to stay in a loving sexual relationship, which I wager our H would. You need to learn new ways of connecting. Joan Price, her speeches, books, podcasts and articles is kind of a leader in this movement.

First, most of the following three resources is about Seniors with medical or other (divorce, death, institutionalization) problems that lead to a lack of sex. You and your H are not in that category, but you have a similar medical problem. You may be able to learn how others cope with their problems and find solutions to staying intimately connected. Also learning these skills now, may provide your marriage with lots of options as the two of your age.

Older Lovers say they want regular sex, but not intercourse

Joan Price, Sex at Our Age: How far we have come

Sex when you are elderly

Again, you and your H are not elderly. However, you can learn some things from how the elderly deal with medical problems in having sex. Principally, they focus on "making love" and redefine their definition of "sex."

Another good resource to explore is sensual touch, especially when combined with sexual touch.

Sensate Focus Exercises

Good luck.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Caileag87 said:


> It's physically uncomfortable but I'd deal with that sometimes to be close. It's really affecting me mentally, I feel really unattractive with it. It is female pelvic organ prolapse. My uterus is basically falling into my vagina. It's only partially down now but if it gets further down then sex will not be possible until after surgery ): ):
> 
> I'm so hurt today that he was so mean about it.


If he can't understand that, he is hopelessly stupid. Have the doctor explain it to him.

If after it's explained to him, he is still acting like a toddler who lost his pacifier, I don't know what to tell you except he has no capacity for empathy and is a selfish lout.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Caileag87 said:


> It's physically uncomfortable but I'd deal with that sometimes to be close. It's really affecting me mentally, I feel really unattractive with it. It is female pelvic organ prolapse. My uterus is basically falling into my vagina. It's only partially down now but if it gets further down then sex will not be possible until after surgery ): ):
> 
> I'm so hurt today that he was so mean about it.


You should be livid and let him know it.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Caileag87 said:


> Oldshirt, nice quote. We've always had quite a lot of non-PIV in our relationship, especially oral on him, so I thought that would be okay, at least until I figure things out.
> 
> DownByTheRiver. Yes, he does often lack empathy. Usually comes through in the end though.
> 
> ...


Sex can make that condition worse, intercourse and especially orgasm. As you are only 35, of course you need to see if you can fix it. But he has a real problem with empathy that would and should be a dealbreaker for a lot of people. You seem ready to live with that. Just think when you're old together. Ugh. 

Many times, laparoscopy, a minimally invasive surgery, can correct it, or vaginal surgery (through the vagina). But he better get used to being patient because it's not all about him all the time and you will be out of commission some. People who have one prolapse often start getting others, as well, cervical, bladder, rectocele. Hysterectomy isn't the answer as you can still prolapse after hysterectomy (just read that). 

I'm sorry for you. But you can fix this eventually, and in the meantime, don't you let him make it worse and put you in pain!


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## E902090 (7 mo ago)

Caileag87 said:


> I could really use some advice, I'm so down just now.
> 
> My husband and I have been together for 16 years, so quite a long relationship.
> 
> ...


I'm so sorry you are going through this alone. He should be supporting you not making you feel bad. Especially when you are having physical issues. He should be concerned about your condition not angry over the lack of sex. That is just so selfish. I really doubt he is going to change if he hasn't by now. I would just flat out tell him there won't be ANY sex until you recover from your surgery and if he has a problem with that Tough S--t. In a healthy marriage spouses should have each other's back when it comes to anything that life throws at them. My wife stood by me through my cancer treatments and all of my hospitalizations which was a sexless time in our marriage. I hope you find your way through this. I know it doesn't seem like it now happier days will come. Take care


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Caileag87 said:


> maybe he is reminded of previous times where I did reject him due to 'silly' issues such as my body confidence.


This right here. I used to get upset years ago when my wife would make up an excuse, and after a few days, then she would get sick or something would happen and it would be another week before we could be intimate again. She would say she is sorry, but if she had not of made up excuses to start, we would not be going 2 weeks between intimacy times.

To a guy that the main way he feels loved and wanted is through physical intimacy, I was hurt and feeling very unloved. Her actions were loud and clear statement that her hubby and our marriage was not a priority to her. 

A big issue was communication. She did not know I was not your typical guy that is just wanting a feel good physical time, but physical intimacy was how I felt loved and wanted. Her "excuses" felt like a blatant rejection of me as a person. Back then, the only way I knew to protect myself from her rejection, was to put up a wall and try to emotionally detach somewhat from the relationship. Which comes across as being without emotion and cold. It is definitely not w/o emotion, I was trying to cram the hurt into a locked box and not let it out, which is what men are raised to do. 

I think women do not realize, there are a lot of men that are like Spock....very stoic and logic driven, but have strong emotions that they fear could destroy them if the let them out. After all, men tend to be ridiculed and thought weak by other men and women alike, if they show the vulnerable emotional side.

I don't know your hubby, but this is possible food for thought. My wife was scared if she had sex often with me, I would get bored with her. Once she realized that is how I felt loved by her and would never be bored, we have sex pretty much nightly, unless we are really tired or I'll, we skip a night. Now we are closer than ever and are ready for last teen to leave the house, so we do not have to have restraint.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Caileag87 said:


> I could really use some advice, I'm so down just now.
> 
> My husband and I have been together for 16 years, so quite a long relationship.
> 
> ...


I would understand his comments/reaction if it was just body issues or other stuff that had been going on for an extended period, but with your serious medical issue I think he is bing an a-hole. When my wife was pregnant with our daughter she had a subchorionic hemorrhage around 16 weeks. We had to stay away from PIV sex until the gave birth and recovered. It sucked, but there was a silver lining, my wife's oral skills reached absolute master level. And she became so proud of her skills that she was giving me a BJ every day, there were even days I had a ton going on and wasn't in the mood and I had to take one for the team and let her do it. So in the end your husbands attitude is self defeating.


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