# Not a sexless marriage, but not enough for me.



## Mika_12 (Feb 22, 2015)

I have an unusually high libido for a women, if it was solely up to me I would like sex twice a day everyday. My husband however does not, and because of it that and our opposite work schedules I say we have sex once maybe twice a week. He has a very physical job, and I know that also an effect on his energy. We are very attracted to each other and totally committed to each other so I in no way think he is having an affair or anything like that.

I'm guess I'm looking for advice on how increase our sex life without it being too planned out or forced. I know my expectations can be unreasonable sometimes... I'm just not sure how much the sex is considered to be the "normal" amount.


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## Kitt (Jun 3, 2015)

Mika_12 said:


> I have an unusually high libido for a women, if it was solely up to me I would like sex twice a day everyday. My husband however does not, and because of it that and our opposite work schedules I say we have sex once maybe twice a week. He has a very physical job, and I know that also an effect on his energy. We are very attracted to each other and totally committed to each other so I in no way think he is having an affair or anything like that.
> 
> I'm guess I'm looking for advice on how increase our sex life without it being too planned out or forced. I know my expectations can be unreasonable sometimes... I'm just not sure how much the sex is considered to be the "normal" amount.


What is normal? I haven't a clue, but what I do know is to never compare your life with the lives of others. You and your husband are designing your life together so the first thing to do would be a sit down and kindly ask him to brainstorm with you on ways to increase your sex life.....no accusations or demands...just conversation. Ask for what you need. Don't make it too over the top.....and be specific. I know you don't want to plan but sometimes that is the only way for things to get done. All new projects have outlines and plans of action. 
I wish I had learned this simple fact early on.....men are very detail oriented so if you give them a plan, they will do their best to fulfill it if they can. Spontaneity is great for teens but if you have jobs, kids or responsibilities, it can be a detriment to your sex life. Treating him with kindness and respect and being au courant of his limitations will open his mind to the possibility of fulfilling your desires. Also, don't forget to not approach this with anger...that is a boner killer for everyone. Approach it with clarity and a sense of purpose and some fun!


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Hi there!

Struggling with this myself. You can read my thread about the same issue in my signature line. But it's like 200 and something pages long. So don't expect a short or easy solution, but it can get better.

Just know, you aren't the only one.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Mika_12 said:


> ..... advice on how increase our sex life without it being too planned out or forced. I know my expectations can be unreasonable sometimes...


Considering the opposite work schedules and him being bagged from a physically demanding job, you may want to dial back the idea of spontaneous sessions and add MORE planning. 

Is the twice a week his ideal frequency? If so, he could probably up it a few notches without too much burden. If you ramped up the female version of the advice given to men on the MarriedManSexLIfe forums, I think a happier compromise can be achieved. This seems more fixable than some of the more desperate 'sexless marriage' threads. 

Good Luck!


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Mika_12 said:


> I have an unusually high libido for a women, if it was solely up to me I would like sex twice a day everyday. My husband however does not, and because of it that and our opposite work schedules I say we have sex once maybe twice a week. He has a very physical job, and I know that also an effect on his energy. We are very attracted to each other and totally committed to each other so I in no way think he is having an affair or anything like that.
> 
> I'm guess I'm looking for advice on how increase our sex life without it being too planned out or forced. I know my expectations can be unreasonable sometimes... I'm just not sure how much the sex is considered to be the "normal" amount.


Is it possible some nights, just you drive?

You know, pull down the pants, push him down, hop on and ride?

Let him lay there and you go to town?


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Planning sex can be a great help if there is no real reason for a lack of sex, other than a lack of planning of course. :smile2:


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## AlphaMale74 (Oct 15, 2014)

Mika_12 said:


> I have an unusually high libido for a women, if it was solely up to me I would like sex twice a day everyday. My husband however does not, and because of it that and our opposite work schedules I say we have sex once maybe twice a week. He has a very physical job, and I know that also an effect on his energy. We are very attracted to each other and totally committed to each other so I in no way think he is having an affair or anything like that.
> 
> I'm guess I'm looking for advice on how increase our sex life without it being too planned out or forced. I know my expectations can be unreasonable sometimes... I'm just not sure how much the sex is considered to be the "normal" amount.


Wow! My sex drive is off the charts and I can't get enough as well. My wife is the opposite, but still gives me sex every other day. Maybe catch him in the mornings when both his testosterone and energy is higher.


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

Mika_12 said:


> I have an unusually high libido for a women, if it was solely up to me I would like sex twice a day everyday. My husband however does not, and because of it that and our opposite work schedules I say we have sex once maybe twice a week. He has a very physical job, and I know that also an effect on his energy. We are very attracted to each other and totally committed to each other so I in no way think he is having an affair or anything like that.
> 
> I'm guess I'm looking for advice on how increase our sex life without it being too planned out or forced. I know my expectations can be unreasonable sometimes... I'm just not sure how much the sex is considered to be the "normal" amount.


Hi
In my opinion, the "normal amount" is enough to so neither of you feel the need to raise it as a problem or find the topic plays on one's mind. If someone is satisfied then that is a comfortable norm.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Knowing what is "normal" or "typical" is not relevant to the marriage you are in at the moment. For your current marriage, the issue is what your spouse can provide without generating huge resentment, and what, if anything, you can do to help your spouse feel good about providing more. Where "normal" and "typical" do matter is in thinking about the odds that you can find someone else who would be willing to provide what you want without feeling resentment. If you want a sex life that is "typical", then you probably won't have much trouble finding someone else who can comfortably provide it. if you want a sex life that is unusually frequent or infrequent, then you will have more trouble finding someone who is compatible in other ways and who is comfortable with the sex life you desire. Still might be worth getting divorced over the mismatch, but helps to set expectations for how easy or difficult it will be to address the mismatch by switching partners, which might affect how much time and effort you are willing to invest in fixing it with your current partner.


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## AlphaMale74 (Oct 15, 2014)

Mika_12 said:


> I have an unusually high libido for a women, if it was solely up to me I would like sex twice a day everyday. My husband however does not, and because of it that and our opposite work schedules I say we have sex once maybe twice a week. He has a very physical job, and I know that also an effect on his energy. We are very attracted to each other and totally committed to each other so I in no way think he is having an affair or anything like that.
> 
> I'm guess I'm looking for advice on how increase our sex life without it being too planned out or forced. I know my expectations can be unreasonable sometimes... I'm just not sure how much the sex is considered to be the "normal" amount.


I so wish my wife had your problem. I'm very high libido and she's not so much 
She accommodates about every other day, but I could do it everyday.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

have you considered some self gratification between times with hubby just to relieve the sexual pressure?


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## Mika_12 (Feb 22, 2015)

Holdingontoit said:


> Knowing what is "normal" or "typical" is not relevant to the marriage you are in at the moment. For your current marriage, the issue is what your spouse can provide without generating huge resentment, and what, if anything, you can do to help your spouse feel good about providing more. Where "normal" and "typical" do matter is in thinking about the odds that you can find someone else who would be willing to provide what you want without feeling resentment. If you want a sex life that is "typical", then you probably won't have much trouble finding someone else who can comfortably provide it. if you want a sex life that is unusually frequent or infrequent, then you will have more trouble finding someone who is compatible in other ways and who is comfortable with the sex life you desire. Still might be worth getting divorced over the mismatch, but helps to set expectations for how easy or difficult it will be to address the mismatch by switching partners, which might affect how much time and effort you are willing to invest in fixing it with your current partner.


I'm not going to end a 10 year relationship because my husband currently works a physical job and we are not having as much sex as I would like at the moment. That is not love. I understand what you are saying though. I just wanted some ideas to increase our sex life, this is nothing marriage ending.


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## Mika_12 (Feb 22, 2015)

AlphaMale74 said:


> I so wish my wife had your problem. I'm very high libido and she's not so much
> She accommodates about every other day, but I could do it everyday.


I would be happy with every other honestly lol, we are at once to maybe twice a week.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

So start working on plans for him to switch to a job involving less physical labor and a schedule that lines up with yours. Maybe that means he needs some training. Maybe he needs to push for a promotion. Note that this might result in you getting less sex for a while, since he will be even busier / more burdened. But eventually he would have more time and energy for you. Think big.


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