# a little advice from the ladies



## wheretogofromhere (Jan 8, 2010)

Wow, not sure where to start. I guess can say I have a very controlling wife. Going into this marriage was probably a little to fast. But we both knew each other, our passions and what we did in life to keep us going. Since our marriage, I have lost complete control over my own life. She finds the negative in every situation. It is never "good job", "go have fun", or anything positive or happy. Its always, "whats this charge", "what did you buy for 7.32 ", "what took you so long", "dont hold the baby like that", dont do this, dont do that, maybe one day, etc etc etc. It has gone from big things, to now everything. It has weakened me to a point that I dont even want to interact with people, or even talk. Im in a managerial role at work, and it has completely changed my work ethic. I am passive at home, passive at work, passive with friends. Shoot, what friends I have left. 

I am not sure if this is curable, and am beginning to think I am wasting time staying in this state. it has gotten to a point I have no patience everytime she says anything negative to me. My blood boils and it feels like I have 1000 tons of bricks on my chest every day. 

I have tried to talk to her about it, but either something from the past gets brought up, or it just gets turned around. then she plays the silent game for about 4 hours. I dont even ask to do anything anymore to reduce conflict, and when I do it takes 2 days of energy building just to get the nerve to do it. 

I used to have control of my life, wha should I do to get it back?

Thanks.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I don't really have any advice, but I read your post and it seems that she is really unhappy with something. My only thing I can tell you is that she seems to be unhappy with herself, and just taking it out on you. 
Do you guys do anything together, just the two of you?? Do you think you can sit down with her and say "hey, you are unhappy and need to tell me why or I can't help" ??


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Everything just sounds like one long fitness test. Perhaps you can find some answers in this thread... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/10046-whole-dominant-man-thing.html


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You must stand up for yourself. Why do you fear conflict so much? This is worth exploring pretty deeply, perhaps with a therapist.

Nothing will change if you don't change first, and in this instance you need to assert yourself. How many kids do you have? Your wife will probably escalate the issue at first--this is normal and is called the extinction burst, as she tries to force things back to the pattern she was comfortable with. So let your kids know that you and mom are working on a marriage issue and you love them, and none of it is their fault.

Then let your wife know she needs to respect you and you will no longer tolerate disrespect. You must mean this if you say it, and be prepared to follow through if she is disrespectful to you or argues about what is disrespectful (and let her know that is what you will do, too). You will want to practice "I statements" so that this is not an attack on her--you want to say something like, "I am unhappy in our relationship. I expect to be treated respectfully and will no longer tolerate disrespect. I've made an appointment with a marriage therapist for [time and day]. I want you to go with me; I want to improve our marriage. I'm going, in any case." 

The tricky issue, as always, is, what will you do if/when she does not respond? Think this through. It may mean walking out, literally, and returning only when she has agreed, in counseling, to make an effort too. If you bluff this, things will return to the status quo, so be prepared when you start the wheels in motion. You may discover that your wife is a control-freak be/c deep down she is so anxious--I know I was! We worry so much about our kids, for example, and anything out of our control is (subconsciously) potentially disastrous. Irrational, yes, but it is also real and may require separate therapy for her. But she has to be willing to "go there."

I cannot stress enough that standing up for yourself is different from disregarding her--that will have an equally negative affect in the long run. Finding the middle ground where you can assert yourself and she will respond positively is the goal. Hard, but definitely do-able.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

What the douche? Did BBW hack Sisters account?


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## wheretogofromhere (Jan 8, 2010)

thanks for the advice. I will try to implement some of these "strategies" to get the bottom of it and build it back up. I actually managed to have a productive weekend with her, until last night. 

Dawn, I can tell she is unhappy. But she really wont open up to me. She just shuts down, plays the silent game. Then a day or two later may tell me what bugged her or upset her. Although by that time its hard to take action. She usually just says shes "ok"

sisters, I wish I knew what changed in me that made me resist conflict with all possible measures. I feel so worn out all the time. Even the minute something negative starts to happen, or I may assume something negative is about to happen, I shut down. or get upset. It sucks. I think over time I have just been work down with this stuff, and should have nipped it in the butt when it first started. Although then I was not noticing I had this problem. I agree with what you say though, and I definetly need to be more assertive. Put my foot down in some situations and keep it there. If I can do that, it may reduce my fear of conflict. I can only hope. 

We have one child. under a year


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

She doesn't trust you. Plain and simple. Something you did in the past is making her anxious about your decision making. Maybe it wasn't anything you did, but something that happened in her past that makes her so controlling.

Either way, she doesn't trust you. Being dominant may get her to shut up, but she'll just doubt you in silence. Then she will start to resent you because she now feels like she can't even ask you a question about something that equally concerns her. 

I have been this woman. Asking my husband a million questions because I doubted his choices. When he tried to stand up to me, it only made me hate him. I felt trapped and resentful at this. I did stop asking, but I expected the worse and it made me very anxious and not very nice to live with. I was withdrawn and short because the only thing that was on my mind was the thing I was forbidden to ask him and that made me so bitter.

What I really wanted was reassurance from him. If he had told me periodically, "Don't worry, I've got everything under control" or asked me for my advice like, "Hey babe, is this the way you said to hold the baby?" it would have made me feel included and valued. But it is as if he kept me in the dark about a lot of things like they weren't any of my business or as if I had no place in asking and that made me furious! 

I have since calmed down a lot. I tell myself that my husband is doing the best he can and that nothing bad will happen. It still makes me upset that he doesn't just reassure me because he knows I worry, but there is no way to communicate this without bringing up the thing I'm worried about. *sigh* It is very frustrating.


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## lovinghimforever (Dec 14, 2009)

I was in this exact same situation and it has cost me my marriage. I was controlling in every possible way. I didn't let my husband go out with his friends and yeah, it came to the point where he had no friends. After four years, he couldn't take it anymore and now I'm alone.

I have realized what I was doing that killed my marriage and started taking counseling to change. And boy, have I changed! But it wasn't until my Husband told me how I was acting did I realize what I was doing.

I grew up around every single man in my life cheating on his significant other. So I always said to myself, there is NO WAY in hell I'm going to let my Husband cheat on me or even think about it. So what do I do? I locked him up and threw away the key. I looked through his phone, his internet history, all of that sometimes to just have something to fight about. That was another issue. I would fight with him so that he could reassure me how much he loved me. Does your wife know you love her, do you reassure her on a regular basis?

All I can think of is seeking counseling. You both will be able to talk about how you feel hopefully without conflict and maybe she'll realise how she's acting towards you.

Best of luck.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Honestly, if you were a woman I would be sitting here telling you to have a nice dinner planned and lay it all out on the table. Should be the same for guys. Make her dinner, sit down with her and tell her what you need. You say you have lost your assertiveness, well no one likes to be beat down all the time. My H was doing this to me for about a year and a half before I just shut down completely. You can only handle so much. A serious talk is needed and probably a counselor. Behaviors won't change over night, but at least if you both start with one or two things that you each need it could slowly progress to a point where you can at least get it out of her why she doesn't trust you. Good luck man!


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Atholk said:


> What the douche? Did BBW hack Sisters account?


Maybe you need to check your reading comprehension 

I've always maintained that men who don't act like adults (ie, weak men), who are irresponsible in the relationship or too insecure to stand up for themselves, are UNATTRACTIVE. I divorced one. I have also always maintained that "dominant" men are UNATTRACTIVE. I find assertive men to be attractive. It's pretty straightforward.


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## wheretogofromhere (Jan 8, 2010)

well its seemed to get better with me being more assertive, and sticking to my guns. Now not a whole has changed though. I get more of the silent treatment. Which I am not sure is better. 

Is it bad than when I think about the "D", that my biggest concern is what other people will think? I think thats bad.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Read No More Mister Nice Guy and also The Dance of Anger.

Also, go to marriagebuilders.com and print out the Love Buster questionnaire. Ask your wife to fill it out; she ought to love that - she gets to say what YOU do that she doesn't like. Read it, and start making changes, stopping all (reasonable) things that she doesn't like. Work on that for several months, to build up new (and remove old) habits.

Once you have that down and no longer Love Bust her, print out the Emotional Needs questionnaire and ask her to fill it out, so you'll know what her top needs are. Then start meeting them all. 

If you do all this and she doesn't change, something more serious is going on.


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## Sunshine1997 (Jan 27, 2010)

I agree with DawnD's post - your wife sounds very unhappy and it might not even be something you've done/said. You said you have one child under a year - could she be experiencing Postpartum Depression? If she is she might not even recognize it herself. I had this with my first child. I didn't tell anyone that I was feeling horrible, not even my husband. I am not sure how I acted towards my husband during that time, but since I was feeling so horrible inside then I probably was lashing out at others too.

If she won't talk to you, encourage her to talk to a girlfriend. There's got to be someone she can talk too.


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## SweetiepieMI (Jan 22, 2010)

I was the EXACT same way. I still have issues with giving up control sometimes. For our marriage it was a 10000% trust and insecurity issue. I think it is safe to say that there is something either in your relationship that happend that hurt her deeply. If not, then from a past relationship. If you have no idea what it stems from (my husband knew) then I would sit down and talk to her about it in a completely non-arguemenative conversation. 

As a wife, who was in the same situation, its hard to get out of. I wasnt asking about money or things to that nature, but I felt the need to call him ALL the time if he was out with friends, on the rare occasion that he went out with them. 

Counseling could be a big help. Mainly talk to her about whats bothering her, even if its something from 5 yrs ago. Dont try to blame or accuse or get mad. Just try and figure out how to resolve it and become closer and more trusting as a couple.


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