# Husband withholding intimacy for sex



## flem0023 (Jan 10, 2013)

My husband and I are 29/30 yrs of age. We have been together 4.5 yrs. We have two children ages 4 and 1. 

As of late, I have not been interested in sex with my husband. To be honest, I haven't been interested in self pleasure either. 

I believe it is because I am under a lot of stress between going back to work (a job that I hate and I am trying to change desperately), parenting and just the day to day grind... I also feel like my husband and I are disconnected on a few levels. 

The other night, my husband offered me a back rub... with a small intention that it would lead to more... I said not tonight, I wasn't into it, and said "tomorrow"... he said he didn't feel I was attracted to him... I explained that I am honestly just not feeling very sexual lately. I'm not interested. I expressed my feelings of stress and day to day grinding, I expressed that I feel kind of unaccomplished on a day to day basis because we are not working collectively towards a goal...I expressed that I feel kind of low.... I believed we went to bed on a good note. 

Tomorrow came, and again, I was not feeling like I wanted to have sex.. He had just gotten home from hockey and I was just finished getting kids to bed and house cleaned up... 

I leaned into him to cuddle and he turned away... the next morning, I sent him a loving text.... 

he then proceeded to tell me he wants all or nothing.... he says If I can't have sex with him, I cant cuddle, kiss, hug or hold hands with him... his analogy was "its like having a boat with no lake to enjoy it in". 

I am saddened by his response.. In my view.,.. there is sex without love and love without sex sometimes.. and as husband and wife, I am of the position that even in times where there is no sex, there should still be love and affection.... probably more so... because the other side needs a little love and attention when they are down...


I am unsure if he is completely out in left field in his position or if I am.. I need some outside perspectives.,.

Please help!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If you have sex, do you enjoy it? If so, why not even if you're not in the mood initially - you will be once you get going.

He sees your lack of interest as rejection. Sex for him is necessary for intimacy, and you're denying it. So, he's responding the only way he knows how. If this pattern continues, you will both damage the marriage and the problems will be harder to fix later. Start talking and working this out now.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

so because your pi$$ed you have to go back to work you don't want sex with your husband.

let me ask you what is he suppose to do for a sexual release? 

look at porn and masturbate?

kinda of hard to take care of things thinking about a wife who rejects you and shows no interest.

your playing a dangerous game of neglecting your husband sooner or later he might accept the advances of another.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

flem0023 said:


> As of late, I have not been interested in sex with my husband.


But he is still interested in sex with you.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

So you can reject him sexually, but he's supposed to cuddle with you?


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## Buildingblocks (Apr 22, 2012)

OP, my 2 cents.

Man's intimacy is sex. You won't believe it but it is the truth.

Intimacy is give and take. If you need back rubs, cuddles , massages etc to fulfill your intimacy barometer, then you ought to fulfill his too.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

hey babe can you rub my feet and cuddle I really don't want any sex but I'll let you rub my feet.

I don't know why I don't feel like sex maybe it will come back just keep waiting.


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## flem0023 (Jan 10, 2013)

Sorry, I should have been more clear.. 

No, even if we have sex, I don't enjoy it... I am just not interested... right now... this hasn't been forever, just the last two months... 

I am ok if he wants to watch porn, masturbate, sometimes I will even help him by giving him oral or assisting with hand jobs.

And... I am not upset about going back to work--- I am just unhappy with my job.. I am happy to work... but I am also busy with kids, housework, a rental property... there is a lot of pressure on me because I make more $ than my husband, so I cant just leave my job to pursue happiness, I have to keep up with a certain number...


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

flem0023 said:


> Sorry, I should have been more clear..
> 
> No, even if we have sex, I don't enjoy it... I am just not interested... right now... this hasn't been forever, just the last two months...
> 
> ...


whoop there it is!!!!!!

you don't respect him for not making the grade and earning enough.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

If you're not interested in sex, don't enjoy it, then you should be ok without getting other forms of intimacy.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You're not interested right now, and don't enjoy sex when you have it. Why? This isn't normal. Other than wanting sex, is your husband doing/not doing something that is causing a loss of interest? Perhaps it's hormonal changes after your recent pregnancy. Whatever it is, you need to work on and discuss solutions for the sake of your marriage.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Ok 4yr old and a 1yr old. working and being a parent.

I'll cut you some slack. dose he pitch in and help? or is he off playing hockey with the boys and leaving the balk of the work up to you?


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## flem0023 (Jan 10, 2013)

I am not sure, I just chalked it up to stress.. and the thought that maybe your sex drive comes and goes over a length of marriage... I did not thinking love and understanding would... 
I assumed that even when I am not feeling very sexually active, I am still entitled to kisses from my husband...


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## flem0023 (Jan 10, 2013)

Yes he chips in.. he is a good father, a good man...


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You're entitled to what you need, but he's not?


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## flem0023 (Jan 10, 2013)

I believe he is entitled... and trust me, I WANT TO WANT TO HAVE SEX.. I just don't want to.. for whatever the reason... I wish that wasn't the case...


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

flem0023 said:


> I believe he is entitled... and trust me, I WANT TO WANT TO HAVE SEX.. I just don't want to.. for whatever the reason... I wish that wasn't the case...



But you are asking him to do something he does not want to do because you are entitled to it. So why can you not do something you do not want to do because he entitled to it?


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## flem0023 (Jan 10, 2013)

I guess... I just didn't really think of it like that... Love and Sex, I assumed they were separate and even when you aren't having sex with your wife, you still love each other and should still show one another love...


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

flem0023 said:


> I guess... I just didn't really think of it like that... Love and Sex, I assumed they were separate and *even when you aren't having sex with your wife, you still love each other and should still show one another love*...


Yes, that's often true _at least for a while_. Eventually though, if one's needs aren't being met it can kill the loving feelings.

Long term lack of sex killed my first marriage, but the love died earlier. If you can't figure out why you've lost interest, you may lose your husband.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Let's not be too harsh. After all, she does give him a bj occasionally (a lot of withholding wives won't even do that). He could me a mope that lays around all day and never helps out (not that doing this would increase her attraction to him, but it would be nice).

You having sex with him is the way that he knows you love him. It's how he feels intimate with you. Just as him cuddling you makes you feel intimate with him.

He could have discussed it with you so that you understood. He's withholding from you what you're withholding from him. A little childish, but effective.

She should have sex with him for his needs and tell him what her needs are. If he refuses to satisfy her needs, then maybe she could be justified in refusing him. However, if that's what happens, the marriage will start circling the drain.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I just voted, but am adding this caveat...my vote was based on the information we have at this point...I am suspecting that as this thread unfolds, the goal posts may move.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

flem0023 said:


> Love and Sex, I assumed they were separate


They may be for you. But they're the same for him.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Love and sex ARE seperate, if we're talking about parents, siblings, or our children. When talking about our wives, love and sex go hand in hand. You won't have love for long without sex. Just how it is. Exceptions for medical reasons. 

But how long have you not been feeling like having sex? If it's been a couple of weeks and he's reacting this way, then yeah he's kinda jumping the gun a little IMO. If it's been a while, maybe he has a point.

Also, all kissing and cuddling does for him is remind him he's not getting sex. Actually that's not right it reminds him HIS WIFE DOES NOT WANT HIM. Whether that's true or not that's how it feels to him.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Sex is a way to show love for many men and women. They can go some time still giving you your wants/needs (like you wanting to cuddle and kiss), but if you're not having sex with him, he is feeling rejected...sort of the same way you are feeling rejected from him not cuddling and kissing.

It's exactly the same thing. You feel close to your H through hugs, kisses, cuddles...he feels close to you through sex. If you're always taking and never giving (or rarely doing it and making it a chore), then he will (and has) turn away. Eventually, you won't be able to fix it.


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## Rooster2014 (Aug 23, 2014)

flem0023 said:


> I guess... I just didn't really think of it like that... Love and Sex, I assumed they were separate and even when you aren't having sex with your wife, you still love each other and should still show one another love...



In some ways I think you are right. But your husband will have little patience with this if you are not trying to get medical help. Perhaps asking him to help with some of that work load will help. Approach this as a team effort to solve. Work together on it. Even if you do not have the desire to have sex with him have it so he gets some release and feels loved by you. If not at some point he will look for sex else where. And you don't want that. Jmo


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

As Staarz21 said, sex is an act of love. Cuddling is an act of love. Kissing is an act of love. Holding hands is an act of love. You need the latter and he needs the former but it's exactly the same need.

You indicated that YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX! As life heaps demands on you it's easy to become overburdened and allow some things to "slide" but there is an adage that says "if a person wants to do something badly enough THEY WILL FIND A WAY, if not, they will find an excuse.

You have explained to your H why you don't want to have sex and he has explained to you why he does not want to hold hands, cuddle and kiss. Does it make you feel better to know why or do you still feel badly that it isn't happening? Him too.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening flem0023
Just my point of view as a HD man in a long term relationship with a LD woman.

To me intimacy and sex blend together. The natural progression from kissing, touching, etc is sex, and when that doesn't happen I feel frustrated and rejected. 

I love my wife and love to touch and hold her - but if we have gone a long time without sex it is very unpleasant to do so and not be able to continue. 

Imagine a fancy party where people are carrying around little trays of delicious treats. Its nice to mingle and eat a treat or two. 

Now imagine that you are very hungry- you haven't eaten all day. Now you are invited to this party but it would be impolite to take more than one of the tiny little treats. Rather then slaking your hunger, they really just remind you of how starving you are. Its not that you don't like food - its that the tiny amount of food is just tease. 


BTW: i'm not complaining at you, just trying to describe what it feels like to the other person.


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## flem0023 (Jan 10, 2013)

I will try and respond to as many posts as i can through one


I do want to find a way to change my level
Of desire. I have started here and looking up things on the internet such as low libido and ways to get desire back. It's just so discouraging now with his lack of "support". I understand he needs his needs met too. I'm just not quite sure to get there without faking it until I get back on the sexy train. I have suggested counselling. But he tried once and refused to attend again because the therapist called him out on a few things. And he felt he was biased. I saw a separate counsellor who told me he is unsupportive and eventually we will separate if he does not change. He has tried to change. And been some what. successful. However some areas he is just who he is 

We spend about and hour a night alone. After getting our chores done. And we maybe have about one night a month without the kids. Usually to attend someone public. We rarely spend romantic time together. And perhaps that is some of the problem. 

To be honest. I'm actually surprised by most of these posts because his response was so saddening to me. I anticipated more understanding from him. And perhaps from here as well. 

We have probably had sex 10 times over the last two months. Previous to that, things were great. 

He is not necessarily selfish in bed. 

I appreciate everyone's input. It has given me lots to consider and reflect on. Keep em coming.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

flem0023 said:


> I will try and respond to as many posts as i can through one
> 
> 
> I do want to find a way to change my level
> ...


"Faking it until you make it" often a great way to get back on the sexy train.

What have you "suggested counseling" for? 

Is there more backstory that would help us understand what's going on? From what you described he was a good guy, you were withholding sex for a couple months because your libido was low and he started withholding affection. Is there anything else we should know?


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Yeah, now I feel like we are missing something. You stopped having sex as much, then he stopped being emotional is what we got from your first post. You went on to say he is a great guy. 

For some reason, many women don't understand that men would like sex as a way to show love. You said you thought he would be more supportive and still give you the emotional stability you're looking for. At the same time, you're not giving him the intimate stability (which is his emotional stability) he is looking for. So right now, both of you are suffering. 

You should try to read the 5 love languages. It might help you guys.

Usually, we argue chicken or the egg. But here it seems we know that you weren't feeling up to it and stopped having sex. He figured that no matter how much he supported you, you were still going to withhold. Why should he give all of the time while he gets nothing in return.

Marriage is give and take. You can't take all of the time and expect the giver to not start to resent you. Just food for thought.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I think he's going about this the wrong way. It sounds like you are making an effort and want to fix things. You aren't withholding sex out of spite. Affection should not always be tied together with sex. I would not be ok with only getting touched or kissed when it's leading to sex. 
I think his talking to you and explaining how he felt and listening to how you feel was a good move. It could have been worked on better from there. Cutting off all affection unless you put out isn't going to fix the issue and could actually make things worse. 
I'd try talking to him again. See if you can come up with some kind of compromise. 
You said feel like you aren't working towards a goal together and are just having day to day stress. Find some ways that would help resolve this, ask for his help. Your feelings matter too. 

Yes, sex is important but IMO it's better to fix the issues and lovingly help get you to a place where you enjoy and want sex with him instead of cutting off all affection until you have sex (that you don't enjoy). That could eventually turn you off the idea of sex even more and take even longer to repair.


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## flem0023 (Jan 10, 2013)

I didn't really want all the baggage included because I wanted an unbiased opinion. but... I will share some more. 

We got pregnant six months after we met and had our summer of fun... engaged two months later and married 2 years later.. 


I am not continuously putting him down here in the following - (more so just mentioning things where my frustration stems from- he does have a lot of good qualities too)

I have always been more responsible, or on top of things than he has.. I am sensitive, he is not, he is a little self centred... I am goal orientated, he is not.. he kinda misses life without kids (although he loves them) I feel like his domestic life is a pain in the ass to him. I was and am still a little resentful because I had anticipated married life with kids more focused on life together rather than paining for his version of "the good life" where he can do whatever he wants whenever he wants. Both his brother and sister do not have kids, nor do most of his friends, so I guess, he feels you cant do the same things when you have kids in away... 


Because I am the more responsible one, and he had his mom doing everything on his behalf before we met, I have always felt more pressure... more responsibility... more worry... more frustration... 

We fought about things such as responsibilities and my feelings of not being number one in his life... over hunting, and "the good life"

Last year things got worse in Oct 2013...

I was sexually abused by my doctor in 2005.. I did not come forward until 2008 - he was found guilty and in October, 2013 he got released from jail after serving his sentence... He is now only on conditions until April 2015. 

Upon his release, I suffered from extreme anxiety... stress... fear of being home alone-mostly in the evenings... This created an issue for my husband, because I was having troubles with him leaving the house for several hours to attend hockey or hunting or whatever in the evening..... for hockey he would leave every Friday night around 7 and he wouldn't get home until midnight... and the entire time he was gone, I would be paranoid someone was going to come to our home... He was angry at me... he felt that I was holding him captive for a crime HE did not commit... he felt that I was over reacting and NOTHING was going to happen so I should let him go and deal... sometimes I would fight for him to stay home - and he would be furious... when he did go, I would want him to come back as soon as he was done... this did not allow him to hang around and he felt I was being controlling... this lead to a lot more feelings of "he didn't understand me", "didn't care for my heart" .. kinda crap... 

I am getting better.... but I still cannot stay at my home overnight without him... I can manage a few hours in the evenings.. but really, anything where I don't know when he will be home- I am full of fear ... because I cant relax or sleep until I know he in en route home -- just in case anything did happen.

I agree that I am controlling in some aspects - compared to him anyways... I want plans set, made, arranged... usually because I am the one making plans for the children, caring for them or thinking ahead to make things more fluid, and because I am thorough he is not..and also, I have some anxiety issues when it comes to the unknown-maybe some PTSD... he is relaxed.. fly by the seat of his pants... so this usually creates arguments when things are left unplanned or when I am not in the know-how.. Its something I am working on too.. 

So the low libido,.. (which is not affected directly by the assault I should mention) I feel stems from stress, job stress, home stress, mom stress, and this lack of feeling number one - doing anything for you kinda love... it stems from not having any goals together to work towards.. it stems from me feeling he doesn't have a f**cking clue when it comes to responsibilities and priorities sometimes... it stems from us being so different and rarely connecting I think... and its gotten to my head, my heart and my sex life...


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## flem0023 (Jan 10, 2013)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Yes, sex is important but IMO it's better to fix the issues and lovingly help get you to a place where you enjoy and want sex with him instead of cutting off all affection until you have sex (that you don't enjoy). That could eventually turn you off the idea of sex even more and take even longer to repair.


this is definitely how I am feeling... I kind of think/feel that if you give someone unconditional love and understanding, without judgement, esp when they are low, they will heal quicker... by him sticking his feet in the mud on this issue, has really left me feeling like he forgets we are spending the next 25 years together and through those 25 years, we are going to have tough times and we could all a little forgiveness when we are not at our best... 

I could see if this ran into a year... but right now, at the time of our life, when we are off the wall busy with kids, work and home.. understanding can go A LONG WAY in my book... I don't expect him to be at the top of his game at all times..


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

This situation now has a whole different dynamic with the information you have disclosed. The responses you are going to receive now are going to be much different than what you've gotten thus far.

Your H needs to be sensitive to your anxiety and stress over the abuse issue especially. His ignoring it isn't going to make it go away and he needs to realize it and be supportive until you can work through this. From your latest post that doesn't sound like his style. I would seriously suggest MC to try and address these issues. I know you said he went and got called out and didn't want to go anymore but if he is serious about fixing this I think he needs to.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Sounds to me like there is a little bit of parent child dynamic going on here. It's tough for women to want sex with men they view as a child.....strong men are a turn on. I also get the hating your job thing, I hate my job too and am currently looking. 

My kids are a little older and not as taxing, 4 and 1 are tough ages.

Your husband's response is a little immature and counterproductive imo, but I do think you should make a little more effort in the sex department, especially if he's generally pulling his weight at home. 

I've not wanted sex as much lately either with my job situation, but I'm willing to do it because I know it's important and i know I'll enjoy it once we get started, but if I waited until I was actually in the mood it might take a while. I really do love my husband and find him attractive, but stresses in life can take their toll, so when that happens it's important you make more effort to stay connected both sexually and non-sexually. For instance, last night he wanted to have sex and I was so not in the mood/tired, but I gave it a shot anyway and damn if I didn't finish pretty quickly! Sometimes you really do have to give it a shot, and if there's something you need from him either in or out of the the bedroom tell him clearly what that is. You say you don't enjoy it when you do have sex so why is that? Is he not interested in your pleasure?


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## forthekids64 (Jun 1, 2014)

So typical. Wonder why divorce rate is so high in America or why men cheat so much. Get your head squared away before you lose your man. Men even when we say we understand we really don't. When our testosterone starts pumping in our vains we only see rejection as rejection. You are treading on dangerous grounds, I suggest you think hard about this and give your man what he needs. There are many ways for a person to get sexually motivated, if you want to keep him then take care of him as a man. You said it yourself that he is a good man and a good father. There are women who would kill for a man like that. Don't be a fool.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

If her husband was here and complaining that he hadn't gotten any in two months, what do you think the advice he would receive is?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

flem0023 said:


> I didn't really want all the baggage included because I wanted an unbiased opinion. but... I will share some more.
> 
> We got pregnant six months after we met and had our summer of fun... engaged two months later and married 2 years later..
> 
> ...


after reading this I think your husband needs some sensitivity training!

I am impressed that you are taking the lead and trying to work on your marriage. What is he doing to show he working on your marriage besides acting like a cry baby?

boohoo I can't play hockey my a$$.

he needs to get his priorities straight!


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Sex abuse is a special case. At the same time, this history did not prevent you from being sexually active with him previously. It's not clear how much bearing this really has on your present situation. 

Also, your issues with your husband sound a lot deeper than a temporary lack of interest. I get the strong sense that you think you married someone beneath you. I also get the sense that your husband feels like he was forced into this situation. Neither of you sounds particularly committed to the other as an individual.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Have you by any chance, changed contraceptives lately? Some of the hormonal ones can kill libido for some women (that was my problem with Mirena)


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Sorry I didn't vote. I think your question was well written and my reply is not biased by the history you shared.

Not only is he Wrong He is stupid. Well to soften it a bit he is young and inexperienced and frustrated and he made the wrong decision, and it will not get the results he wants. He doesn't understand that intimacy comes from intimacy (maybe you don't quite get that yet either) If you want more intimacy you have to share more intimacy. Also there is other than sexual and other than touching intimacy. 

I think you have had enough explanation of what he is thinking. I have personally only felt the way you do once in my life. My partner wanting sex and me wanting to avoid it. In my case it was because my partner had invited and withdrawn the invitation several times consecutively. I had reached a point where I couldn't commit to her even though I was so horny I could have popped. I just couldn't trust her. 

Anyway, You mention over and over that you want to have a goal you are working together towards. I think you are starting to big with this. The last goal you worked together towards was a baby that he didn't really want. Can you find a goal that is more of something he wants? Can you start with a smaller goal. I know you are a big goal driven person. But all of your goals don't have to be big. Don't take this as flippant but making cookies together is a goal oriented process with a tasty reward. Is there a small way you could share the Hockey / hunting / good life things that he treasures? Have you had him teach you how to shoot? 

I suppose you know how rare it is to have a hunting husband who agrees to be home every night.

Also good job keeping the sex count over once a week.

MN


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

Do you RESPECT your husband?


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## Melvynman (Mar 19, 2014)

Your design to have one to three kids during your lifetime. When your kids are young and very dependent on you, you will have very little desire for sex. If you were in living in a more free thinking society, older women would take care of your husband needs and you would be grateful! Your husband is designed to have sex everyday and will become frustrated with out it. Your designed to have lots of sex when your in the mood. Our culture doesn't see it that way! Your monogamous until or till death or divorce. It seems you have very little understanding about human sexuality. For most divorce is the easy answer and our culture supports that course of action.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Bunk.


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## lovesmanis (Oct 9, 2014)

Have you tried to lighten your stress load? If not, that may be something that you could look into. We cannot do it all, work, kids, spouse, house...
If I was in your shoes, I would be getting in a cleaning lady...


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## Elk87 (Oct 8, 2012)

It's hard for me to understand, as I'm probably in your husband's shoes. Maybe I can shed some light though in what he's going through...

You say he's a good man & dad and pulls his weight at home? Me too. He's trying to meet your needs. Not everything he does he really enjoys. Some of it he does just because he loves you and his family. 

You're treating one of his top priority needs very differently. You're not psyched about sex so you just don't do it. Probably don't initiate, and when it happens it probably lacks some of the passion it once had. 

At a minimum, I think your husband would feel better knowing that you acknowledged the problem in YOUR end and were taking steps to improve it. Counseling, books, advice from friends, creatively taking interest in the bedroom, etc. Show him that because it's important to HIM, then it's also important to YOU! 

Continue your path and you'll lose your marriage.


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## Redheadguy (Jul 30, 2014)

monkeyboy said:


> You're treating one of his top priority needs very differently. You're not psyched about sex so you just don't do it. Probably don't initiate, and when it happens it probably lacks some of the passion it once had.



This is my house.

To be valued she wants a backrub, foot massage, and to chat about her day. To be valued I need to feel desired via displays of physical intimacy. Not always PIV, or always involving either P or V, but enough that I feel like she wants, needs, and appreciates me.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

I agree with MB about what's at stake. He knows withholding intimacy is not going to fix the problem. IMO it is also the last thing he wants to do. It is an act of desperate self preservation. He can no longer act in a loving way...be all in if you will...while his needs are being excused away and diminished.

Your resentments about having to lead the family and be the responsible one (traditional man role) was going to lead to your loss of attraction to him sooner or later. It sounds like it is sooner. You flem were wise enough to seek help, but he will likely need to man up if he wants these needs met.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening flem0023
You are stressed, fearful because of your abuse. That is a normal reaction to something terrible that wasn't your fault. But it can also produce all sorts of stress in your relationship. 

I think you could use counseling to help deal with your stress. Then maybe couples counseling to deal with how that stress has affected your relationship.

No the problem not be due to your stress, in fact he might just be a jerk, but this seems like a place to start.


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> If her husband was here and complaining that he hadn't gotten any in two months, what do you think the advice he would receive is?



If he asked me I would tell him to be outcome independent. Initiate for sex, she says "I don't feel like it" you say cool! I'm going out with the boys. 

He was acting like a little boy being all butt-hurt when he was denied. 

The other side, I would tell him to fix his shît because she's lost attraction for him. You can't negotiate it. I would tell him to cut her off from cuddles and crap only after he's improved all of his red flags. He jumped the gun on that one. But I would tell him to do that eventually.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

Sex is his form of intimacy and you are denying him the same thing you are complaining he is denying you. He cuddles you because you make him happy, he loves you, and he wants to be close and bond with you. He isn't feeling that when you are rejecting him. He sees you rejecting him as you not being interested, not being attracted, not wanting to bond, not wanting to be intimate, and no loving him. So like you are not interested in his form of intimacy at all (and not thinking about it), not only is he not interested in your form, he probably gets sick to his stomach thinking about cuddling you and taking care of your needs when you aren't taking care of his.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

flem0023 said:


> Sorry, I should have been more clear..
> 
> No, even if we have sex, I don't enjoy it... I am just not interested... right now... this hasn't been forever, just the last two months...
> 
> ...


Just so you know, flem, many of the men on these boards will bash you, will find fault with you, even as you come here looking for advice and support. The anger here is palpable, but bashing you is the last thing you need and yet the first thing many give. It's not about you; its about them.


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