# Need a female point of view



## Mr Mom (Feb 10, 2009)

It has been 7 weeks since my wife of 14+ yrs has told me that she needed to 'find herself' and that our marriage was in trouble. Through a few discussions, I have found out that she loves me...but has not been in love with me for well over a year. She does not desire me anymore. Beginning of February was when the affection faucet turned off. 1 kiss in the morning, 1 kiss at night before bed. 2 I Love you's.....1 with each and that is it. 
Our relationship for the past 14 years has been affectionate, caring, loving and intimate on a steady basis. Appx 2-3X per week. Even after the February discussion....intimacy was regular for the most part but I could feel the disconnection. About 4 weeks ago I was unable to control my emotions and did not see her making any effort to work her way out of her 'find herself' mode so I went to the pcp, got on some meds for depression and anxiety that I was having (before Feb, never on any meds). I have attended 6 individual therapy sessions to date....her first one was today. 
Last night, I just broke down. Came to bed, prayed for about 15 mins and (not a manly thing but) cried. She awoke, we talked, she is not willing at this point in time to commit to fixing our relationship. She feels she needs to fix herself first before working on our marriage. I understand that.....that is why Im in individual therapy now....to get my thoughts, feelings, emotions under control having to deal with this period of being on HOLD.
During one of our conversations she felt that I would not be able to give her the space that she needed and felt that a trial separation would be needed for her to do this. I asked her not to leave the house...and to date, she has not but Im in so much pain right now feeling that I have already lost my wife that anything I say right now to her is not helping her. I can't stand to think that my kids might be watched/raised by a man other than myself. I can't stand to think that I may lose my best friend. 
She did state that she was angry with me for not allowing her to speak her mind in the past. She felt she did not have a voice. She never communicated this to me and it has now driven a wedge in our marriage that in my eyes....does not look like she wants to fix. 
She is a successful executive in the hotel industry. Im a successful middle manager in the healthcare industry....we both have busy schedules and my job is more flexible than hers. My post name may be a bit of an overstatement but I can handle any issues around the house and with the kids that may come up and I don't think twice about doing them. 

Im in a great deal of pain, very sad, working to improve myself so that I can handle what her ultimate decision will be but TIME is killing me. Does anyone have any advice that could help me deal with the emotions of a one sided marriage ? Im totally committed to my wife...I love her and Im in love with her. Wish I could say the same for her. Thank you for your thoughts.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

time im afraid is one of the most important aspects here.
im afraid im sounding like your wife.
i want to be independent again from the relationship. not feel tied to asking permission etc. 
fed up of asking for things and issues unresolved.
i can promise you, if my H had dealt with issues on a head on confrontational way. i doubt very much id b feeling the way i am.
if my H actually listened to the 3 things i want most in our relationship, again i doubt i would be feeling this way.
trouble is now i told him i dont want to be with him and hes not taking it to well.
in our relationship , we have been here several times.
all i want is space and time to myself without the need to ask permission to do stuff in my life.


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## Mr Mom (Feb 10, 2009)

Thank you for your response Justean. Would you be able to find your independance (your individual self) without leaving your husband ? I have found that my love style is that of a pleaser....my wife is an avoider. It's like a chase scene. Pleaser approaches for reassurance, Avoider backs away and doesn't want to feel like that should be given. So my changes that I have made is to take the good aspects of being a pleaser and remove the bad. I have given space, my wife tells me she would like to make plans with a gfriend on Friday....Im cool with that. I will take care of the kids that night. She feels guilty if I don't respond with 'that is a great idea, you should do that more often'. Instead, she reads into it that i have a problem with her spending time with her friends. Not true...but i can't change the way she feels. I appreciate your advice....and I know that time is what I need to give her....I just need to constantly keep reminding myself.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

well i havent asked my H to leave, but i would like it . i just want to be left alone. i dont want sex with him and i love sex. i dont want him to touch me. basically just dont hassle me. 
we have split on several occasions over the yrs for diff reasons.
i stopped loving him in oct 08 and kinda refound the love in jan 09.
now im just P***ed that issues from a yr ago seem to continue to be unresolved.
im just a really busy/ independant kinda gal. the fact i also like myself to live with myself plays a huge role.
im confident and without sounding to up my backside - im attractive and i get looks from others.my personality is pretty much a nutta in a good way. i love life and im not being stopped from enjoying life.
i just feel dragged down by a H that doesnt really change in the end. 
im not saying he isnt better, he is. but things that are personal to me are left. but to me, life is about having a little of everything , not alot of one thing.


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## Mr Mom (Feb 10, 2009)

Your insight has a familiar tone to it on my end. My W just wants to be left alone....is OK with an occasional hug to let her know that she is not alone but has lost the desire to want me. She and I seem to be carrying out the intimate act so we can both upkeep the physical well being and we both love sex. I love the intimacy with her and I feel that she loves just the feeling of the O and then just finds the quickest way to finish. I think she holds me accountable for limiting her social life, which if she communicated that this was important to her to maintain, we may not be in this situation now. I thought all was what she wanted. I admit that I dedicated myself to our young family and wanted to spend as much time with both of our young kids and the W as I could. This in turn has had it's current negative impact for which I can not go back and change. I can only support her needs that she has communicated but IMO, it's too late to make up for any misgivings in the past without having her recommit to our marriage with different understandings. 
What are you doing to assist in resolving the issues that continue to be unresolved ? Im kind of a case study in progress as I am changing the way I love to include less affection and more understanding and listening. While it may be too late for this relationship to repair, I must prepare well for my next potential relationship so the same mistakes are not made. 
Im sorry that you husband has not been able to adjust to your personality, independence and self sufficiency. I agree that a full life should not be dedicated to an isolated few. It's not healthy for any relationship. I know that now, but was unaware until my risk of loss was at such a high level. Now....there is just sadness, anxiety and the calendar clicking off the days until I receive the decision of my W.


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## picabu (Mar 11, 2009)

wow, it is amazing how many of these posts have a ring of similarity. I know how you feel. my H has all but given up on our marriage. says i was cold, neglectful & sex was too infrequent. 4 yrs ago he had an affair..made it difficult to raise my libido. he wanted desperately to save our marriage then, as did I.

needless to say sex life improved temporarily. i am sure this was my desperate attempt to fix me, but soon dropped off again. end of January '09 he told me he didn't want to do this anymore. he was 42, unhappy and loved me but not in love. he gave me 4yrs of chances to no avail.

now i making all these changes (following Mort's advice) and he is resistant to the talk & touch charges. thinks my changes & increasd drive are just desperate attempts & not genuine. he does not reciprocate affection.

your right, it hurts like nothing else i have ever felt. i sometimes think, this must be what it felt like to be him for those 4 yrs. while we would have sex a couple of times a month or so, i was reistant to his affection for fear of the expectation of sex. if i could turn back time i would. while neither of us is perfect, he is the best man i have been with. he is a good father, great husband. i am like you in that the time factor is hard but clearly what they need. i continually try to show him i still love & care for him. hopefully if enough time passes he will realize that my changes are genuine & not desperate attempts...maybe then he will give us another try.

i struggle daily with pain of losing him & all the what if's & wishing i had done more sooner.

if she is worth fighting for..keep up the good fight. Mort says try for at least a year before throwing in the towel. ONE YEAR...right now that seems like forever!!!!!!

hang in there as I am!!!! good luck to you.


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## Mr Mom (Feb 10, 2009)

Thank you very much for your perspective and support picabu. One year ? OMG.....I think I may need to space out my therapy sessions a little more. lol. 

Im not happy that you are in the same situation that I am right now but I am comforted that Im not alone and there are avenues of support available. My W is well worth fighting for...... I just hope that she is able to find her way to see that I am worth fighting for too. 

Your post means a lot to me and I wish you the best with your relationship. Take it day by day. GL to you as well !!


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

trust me one yr goes by very quickly. its nearly a yr since my H had his one night stand.
but in that one yr. the ups and downs have just taken its toll.


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## picabu (Mar 11, 2009)

i have only been dealing with my reality since end of January and it feels like it has been an eternity already. not moving fast enough for me. but as Mort says, "slow is fast and fast is slow".


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

your emotions are stil very fresh im afraid, as its since the end of jan. yeh i know about the eternity. but trust me you wil be looking back a yr from now, with new mixed emotions.


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## Mr Mom (Feb 10, 2009)

Need some thoughts on this one...........last Thursday was my birthday. Both kids made cards which were the best....I love you Daddy...have the greatest bday ever !! My wife got me an inspirational card......Here is what it said. "I believe in you - in the things that are important to you and in the way you choose to live your life. I believe that you can accomplish anything you set out to do, that you have many talents and the wisdon to use them well....I believe that you will have what it takes to overcome obstacles and grow from every experience life brings your way... I believe in your courage, your compassion, your integrity and your strength. I believe in your goodness...I believe in you. She signed it Happy Birthday. I Love you then her name. 

We have always given each other cards from the heart. I was taken a little aback by this card and have read it many times. I know she didn't want to get me a funny card which she felt would offend me. She didn't want to get a serious, sappy card because she felt that would not be appropriate. 

After promising to make a cake...or at least cupcakes because she forgot to pick something up at the store. It's 5 days later and her birthday is coming up in about 10 days. I have picked up her cake mix already and have not said a single word about a cake/cupcakes. I just feel like Im an afterthought at this point. 

Another thing I don't get is that she will say "I love you" and I know she means it. We were intimate on Saturday but her affections are nearly non existant otherwise. Intimacy was prompted at my request.....and has been since this began about 8 weeks ago now. Does this sound like a woman that is just biding her time trying to figure out what she wants to do OR does it sound like Im an knucklehead for thinking that she will come around ? In one of our discussions, late at night. I did tell her that if Im at fault for anything, it was for loving her too much. I SO don't want to lose her.....but I feel that the only way for her to come back to me is if I let her go. This is going to screw up my heart. My head is already screwed up with all of the what if's. Any thoughts or words of advice ?


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## blindsided (Nov 29, 2008)

Mr Mom -

I don't think you're a knucklehead at all.....but I think that whatever your wife is trying to work through, it will take time. I happen to believe that "trial separations" are not much good in the way of bringing people together, but actually just the opposite, and I think you did the right thing in asking her to stay in the home. How can two people work on a relationship if they don't see each other? 

Having said that, I would also suggest you do try and "let her go" a little....by which I mean continue to be loving and supportive, but perhaps not quite so needy. 

Some people can feel smothered by their spouse's affection. It's amazing to me, but I have seen this situation firsthand with my mother and her husband. He dotes on her, does everything for her, adores her.....something you would think most women would give their eye teeth for! Yet my mother feels "smothered" by this. Go figure....we are all different. 

You sound a lot like my mom's husband, and your wife is lucky to have you. Be patient......I know that's easy to say and hard to do. Hang in there, and best of luck.


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## Hardened Heart (Apr 8, 2009)

WOW, at least you got a card on your b-day. I didn't get ****.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

What is striking about your story is it is familiar, but so new. I mean, the big trouble hasn't even started. I can't even count how many times I struggle with explaining myself to my husband, and he is still clueless. I lost my identity years ago with the birth of my kids, and still haven't found myself. A woman often has moods, and identity issues. I don't even see a problem, other than she can't find the space or time to find herself. Instead, you appear to be cycling in your own depression and not working with her. Just listening and being supportive is the number one thing I ask of my husband, and he fails almost every time.


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## 13years (Apr 6, 2009)

Mr Mom said:


> It has been 7 weeks since my wife of 14+ yrs has told me that she needed to 'find herself' and that our marriage was in trouble.


Were there any signs this was coming?


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## Ms.Anonymous (Apr 12, 2009)

could she be involved with someone? seems a bit odd that everything was fine for years then all of sudden she needs space. i'm glad she's going with you to counseling. sounds like it's so much more than a need for space. wishing you, your wife and family...the very best.


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## Mr Mom (Feb 10, 2009)

We are currently both in individual therapy as she is not willing to go to marriage counseling. She says she needs to get herself straight before she can begin to work on our relationship. 
Wierd thing though....after we had our separation discussion - (we still sleep in the same bed) 4 days later, she got up early, did her morning workout, took a shower then came to wake me up only dressed in a towel (usually she wears her bathrobe). She kissed me on the temple and woke me up...I saw this and waved her back over...she shed the towel and we proceeded to have sex before the kids got up. Haven't had sex in the morning like that in over 10 years. About a week later, I had asked if she would be interested in 'adult entertainment' that evening...she declined but at about midnight when I was fast asleep, she began rubbing on me and initiated sex then. I think she is trying to get us out of the rut of having sex on a regular time/basis and being more spontaneous which Im all for. I think my future approaches need to let her determine when we have sex....although I want it a lot more than she does which makes it difficult for me to sit on my hands all of the time that Im thinking about it. I still feel in limbo but right now, in therapy, Im building a shell around my heart so that when Im declined or discussions start to head in the wrong direction, Im quickly able to remove the thought rather than dwelling on trying to find out why and asking what is wrong. Im still learning.....but Im trying hard to make this work between us. If it doesn't, I feel that I can find happiness without her. Our kids being my first priority....then my happiness second.


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## Mr Mom (Feb 10, 2009)

Update 30+ days since last post. She moved out last week to an apartment. We decided to split the time with the kids. Half week for each of us. Finances were split to be able to cover all house expenses, car pmnts, childcare etc. First few days of a quiet house were difficult but refreshing. I felt like I was actually able to realize what alone time meant and that I was really missing out on life away from the W and kids. I was able to pick up the phone and meet friends out, grab the clubs and head to the golf course, see a movie that I wanted to watch. It was really a breathe of fresh air. 

As much as I so wanted to make things work and to preserve our family, I have learned through therapy and dealing with the realization that my W may not be coming back home may be the best thing for me. There are others who care more about me than my W currently does. I deserve better than what she is willing to give. I am very close to just letting go of her within my heart and I know that even if she comes to me begging to come back home, I would need to agree to that. If you were to ask me today, I would tell her to stay where she is. I have suffered enough stress, lack of emotion and indifference that I am ready to move on. 

On Mother's Day morning....I gave her some gifts from the kids, cards from them and some flowers and an appropriate card from me. Not a mushy one...just an I care about you card. She picked a fight at 7:30 in the morning after dropping the kids off and I threw her Mother's Day card into the car. Slammed the door and walked inside the house. After she brought the cards/gifts to her apt. she calls 20 mins later crying and apologizing for picking a fight. I realized she she is more messed up than I am right now. 

Time for me to keep working on my independent self and being the best father I can for my kids. The rest of the chips will fall as they may. Then again, I may just fold my cards at some point and cash in my chips. Will update shortly but are there others that have progressed through a relationship/separation like this ? How/What did you do to manage any anxiety, anger, sadness ?


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

Though I am not separated, I went through a lot of anxiety,anger and sadness. I don't know all the details of your circumstance, but it sounds like you will end up happier in the long run. It seems pretty natural to be upset on Mother's Day if this is the first one she had without you as a couple.


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

She is right in the fact that she needs to find herself. If she cant figure out who she is or who she wants to be as a person, how can she ever give herself completely to another? 

How is your friendship status with her? Sounds like she really could use a friend and not a husband for the time being. Are you willing to be that for her?

I am sad to read that you are so easily ready to give up.


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## Mr Mom (Feb 10, 2009)

Well....after 15 yrs of being married to a woman who now only wants me to be her friend. That is not what I spoke in my vows those years ago. It was for better or worse, in good times and bad. Not if you lose yourself, it's best to run from your problems. It is her that has given up........and me that has accepted her terms. With the separation being so new, we have both committed to remaining friends and amicable during our separation. 
When she told me that she no longer loved me in the same way that she did....I was the first to get to a counselor as she was not there for me to listen, help me understand etc....because she doesn't understand her feelings. Communication is how you work out problems/issues. Running from your problems/issues is the cowards way out. She has refused marriage counseling....so Im on my own to deal with the collateral damage she has created with our family.


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## KosMos (May 13, 2009)

I agree with Sprite, having alone time is a great thing and everyone needs it at some point, but to just drop her so easily seems a little selfesh. My hubby and I seperated for a bit before we got married and it was the best thing for us. But he never stopped trying. not in a pushy way but a "you wanna get something to eat" kinda way we would go to lunch or dinner, and just hang out. we split up because I felt he didnt apprieciate me and all that I did for our relationship. I called him a robot, he showd me he could be human. he would joke and say it would be easier to hang out if you still lived here but always with a smile. Kinda like what friends do. She does sound like she needs a friend.
show her that you can still be their with out being clingy....
also avoid fights or tantrums in front of your children a split can be very difficult to deal with when your the kid. my parents have been "seperated" for 10 yrs and its hard when your in the middle. and the kids no matter how you try are always in the middle. they never know what they should say about the other parent.
so they close themselves off because they dont want to get daddy in trouble or viseversa. I dont know if that mad any sense. but I have been been on her side of things and its not easy, even if you asked for it. she did the responsible thing and is trying to "find" herself. i have also been on the child side of it and it SUX the most. how old are your kids if yo udont mind me asking. wow i do rant sorry....


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## KosMos (May 13, 2009)

I also agree that Communication is important.. my husband figured everything was ok even tho i told him all the time that it wasnt. when we split everyone kinda saw it comming but him. maybe she tried to communicate with out comming straight out and saying it and you just missed the hint cuz you thought everything was fine.... but alas... when she is not willing to do everthing to fix the problem then its her loss.... but if you want it to still work you have to show her that you still care about her, and no matter what she finds at the end of her "find myself trip" you will still love her. the hardest part for me was the thought of loosing my best friend.


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## Mr Mom (Feb 10, 2009)

KosMos - Im sorry that you have had to go through this on multiple levels. Kids are 10 and 4. The oldest has good questions and those that needed to be answered by Mom were written down and asked to her when he spent time with her. Both kids are handling things well to this point. I do love my wife and will always will. She has been my best friend up until the last 3 months. She has chosen to be a 50% Mom and 0% wife which I have had trouble adjusting to. I have had to harden my heart and set her free to do as she wishes. I have been more than supportive (I helped her move out - even though I did not want her to leave). I have offered for her to talk at any time....good days, bad days, anytime. She has not reached out and I will not intrude. She has her space and I will continue to be supportive but a shell needs to be around my heart and I can't continue to string myself along hoping that her decision is to return home. Sorry if that is selfish, but those are my feelings. Time is too short and if my partner does not want to be with me, I can't make her.


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

In good times and in bad....arent these bad times? It's not as simple as you make it seem in your mind. Bad times also mean when one of you is going through a bad time, not just both of you together. No, you cant make her want to be with you, but you can help her through this. Its a long fight and it is not easy. It doesn't sound to me like you are really up to the challenge tho.

It sounds to me like there is a major lack of communication here. I don't think are are truelly to the point where are are "listening" to her. You may hear her, but you are not listening. Just an observation here.


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## KosMos (May 13, 2009)

I think it must be frustrating for you and I am sorry if i seemed to be on her side because i have been thier.... i guess sprite summed it up "You may hear her, but you are not listening." but it would be easier for you to "listen" if she was willing to do the therepy or counsiling. i think that you need to sit down with her and say "look it for the kids i think we should see a counsler, wether or not we stay together we need to figure it out cuz being in limbo SUX!!!! for kids...." i dont care how good you think they are taking it cuz inside they are not. I also see that people have said that she has cheated and she feels shame for that.... maybe she didnt cheat, maybe she has a crush on someone else and that makes her feel second thoughts about your relationship... its hard when you feel strongly to someone else and you are only supposed to feel that way for your spouse.... or maybe...... well...... maybe she is feeling less atracted to you because well.... maybe she likes chicks.... sorry no better way to put that..... 
and it would be fine if she did.... but hey look Im married with two kids why didnt i know this before kinda thing.. she could be unsure of her sexuality and maybe wants to experiment and make sure she doesnt make a huge mistake... did that make any sense....?
sorry again for the rant


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## Freckles (May 14, 2009)

Mr Mom said:


> It has been 7 weeks since my wife of 14+ yrs has told me that she needed to 'find herself' and that our marriage was in trouble. Through a few discussions, I have found out that she loves me...but has not been in love with me for well over a year. She does not desire me anymore. Beginning of February was when the affection faucet turned off. 1 kiss in the morning, 1 kiss at night before bed. 2 I Love you's.....1 with each and that is it.
> Our relationship for the past 14 years has been affectionate, caring, loving and intimate on a steady basis. Appx 2-3X per week. Even after the February discussion....intimacy was regular for the most part but I could feel the disconnection. About 4 weeks ago I was unable to control my emotions and did not see her making any effort to work her way out of her 'find herself' mode so I went to the pcp, got on some meds for depression and anxiety that I was having (before Feb, never on any meds). I have attended 6 individual therapy sessions to date....her first one was today.
> Last night, I just broke down. Came to bed, prayed for about 15 mins and (not a manly thing but) cried. She awoke, we talked, she is not willing at this point in time to commit to fixing our relationship. She feels she needs to fix herself first before working on our marriage. I understand that.....that is why Im in individual therapy now....to get my thoughts, feelings, emotions under control having to deal with this period of being on HOLD.
> During one of our conversations she felt that I would not be able to give her the space that she needed and felt that a trial separation would be needed for her to do this. I asked her not to leave the house...and to date, she has not but Im in so much pain right now feeling that I have already lost my wife that anything I say right now to her is not helping her. I can't stand to think that my kids might be watched/raised by a man other than myself. I can't stand to think that I may lose my best friend.
> ...


Hi Mr. Mom I'm new at this chat thing - it's my first. I was looking to see if anyone was in my situation and I saw yours and thought that I could give you some advise.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Relationships are tough. I've been in the same one for 20 years and it's hard maintaining a happy marriage. Honestly it sounds like she is confused. She has one foot out the door and this is a very sensitive time. Be careful of what you say and do right now!

I would definitely respect her space, don't demand answers she can't give you. But don't give up either - you should experiment and find a way that works...ways that you think she is responding to. If she is put off by something your doing or saying - then please stop doing that - rethink things, come up with a new strategy. The important thing is to stay connected. I know you might feel that sex is important for you to feel connected to her, but honestly it doesn't always work that way for a women. Woman feel connected "emotionally." You may need to make that sacrifise and put sex on the back burner for now until you can get her back on track with you emotional and mentally. 

It's hard to "reconnect" when you have the day to day stuff - work - kids - laundry... she is probably feeling trapped in the chaos of your lives and isn't feeling like she has the time or space to figure out how to make things work for her. Offer to take her out on a date night... dinner - dancing - a comedy show is a great way to go out, have a few drinks and a few laughs. 

LISTENING is the key here. Listen to her feelings and why she is feeling the way she is. Another important factor is "ACTIONS" you need to show her your not all talk - you are going to really follow through with whatever it is you promise her. 

Whatever you do don't push her - or you could very well push her right out the door! Let her feel comfortable knowing you aren't pressuring her and she will respect and appreciate that.

Just be patient. I hope things work out for you - I really do! Good Luck!


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## Mr Mom (Feb 10, 2009)

Sprite,Freckles, KosMos....thank you all for your replies. I appreciate your opinions and can only reply to you with my feelings, thoughts and actions. 

Sprite - I know it's hard to read into some of these entries as it is difficult to get all information out there to be judged. W and I have been amicable through all of this. She was the one who shut down the communication area, no explanations, no answers other than I know I don't love you anymore. SO....that was the point in time where I needed to talk to someone and enlisted a therapist as this was a way foreign area to me. I felt deceived as she has said that if there was something that was wrong, she would come to me. I took her for her word and trusted her. It's a little too late when you come to me at the point where it's I don't love you anymore and I need to leave. 

KosMos - Im listening......and Im hearing what she is saying. I have not freaked out through all of this, I have enlisted support to learn more aboutt myself and how to deal with difficulties in relationships. Im improving each day and the anger/resentment are beginning to subside.

Freckles - You may be new to the forum but you words hit closest to me. I have not taken off my wedding ring, I have not moved my clothes over to her side of the closet. (I do sleep on what was her side of the bed now  Im trying to weed out the emotions that are negative and build on those that keep me heading in the right direction. I won't push her....and i will be patient. I appreciate your response.

It's difficult......and I never knew how difficult it would be until now.


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