# Maintaining the alpha after a big mistake



## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

For the alphas, what happens when you do something that is truly your fault? I'm talking about something big that could end the relationship.

Then once you're forgiven, it gives her the upper hand. It's as if the power has been slightly lost somewhat due to your mistake. How can you reassert the alpha when she brings it up and makes you feel guilty about it.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Only one perfect being has inhabited the earth and they crucified Him. Apologize sincerely, make a serious effort to not screw up again, and drive on. Nothing in that equation requires groveling or being a doormat for the rest of your life. Whoever might try to lord it over you is also human and has also screwed up. If the price for sustaining a relationship is the complete loss of your dignity, the price is too high and she needs to take a walk.


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

Well, I made a mistake, but definitely wouldn't grovel or act like a doormat. I still feel like I have the power, but it's a diminished power.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Adex said:


> Well, I made a mistake, but definitely wouldn't grovel or act like a doormat. I still feel like I have the power, but it's a diminished power.


The fact that you care about who has the power tells me that you don't.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

So you made a big mistake that could have ended the relationship.

She forgave you instead of ending the relationship.

And you're worried about losing "power"?

How about feeling grateful that she didn't end the relationship? How about realizing that she has a big heart and must love you very much in order to forgive you? How about worrying about shoring up the relationship and making it better? She can still end the relationship, you know. Forgiveness doesn't mean she has to stay with you. She can forgive you for what you did and still choose not to stay with you.

And, fyi, she isn't "making" you feel guilty when she brings up your mistake. No one can "make" you feel guilty. You feel guilty because you ARE guilty and know that you have some amends to make and need to repair the damage you've done.

I hope this big mistake wasn't cheating!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Anyone who believes no one can make you feel guilty has never met a Jewish mother.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

stop with this alpha nonsense.

you people are delusional and its helping you cope. Humans are not so black and white its not this simple we are much more complex too complex to be labelled in such a way.

My advice stop labeling yourself and stating that you need to be "alpha" to get women. That in itself is a joke


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You own your sh!t.

If you screwed up, you acknowledge as much. Apologize for it if warranted, particularly if your partner was harmed as a result; and you correct the error or behavior so as not to repeat it.

You are talking about score-keeping ... that's a bad idea. It isn't about who has the power in the relationship. It's about whether or not you can exercise power over yourself ... and learn.

If your spouse or partner consistently brings up your 'mistake' and wields it like a weapon, or flogs you with it publicly, you make it clear that you have made amends, but obviously she has neither forgiven nor forgotten, and ask her flat out if that is something she can, or cannot do, and if she would appreciate or tolerate you holding her mistakes over her head. 

Being human means making mistakes. Being an idiot means repeating them. So don't.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Wow. It's not about the upper hand. If you effed up, you take the consequences.


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

Read signature below.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Look dude, I'm not even alpha or whatever you call it. I just do the best I can.

Mistakes, yes I've made a few and some crappy decisions. I've apologised, taken the inevitable blow back and moved on. Importantly I've learned my lesson.
If the blowback from my error, in my opinion, continues for too long then I will just calmy say "enough", "it's been done to death, move on". If she still has issues then we work through those and then continue forwards.

If your marriage is a constant issue of you and your wife continually trying to get the upper hand then that seems to be a bit fvcked up to me.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Doing the heavy lifting (transparency, etc) doesn't mean you change as a person. It just means you have a new set of boundaries which are self enforced as much by you as they are by her. As Deejo said, own your sh!t. Show respect for the circumstances that led you to your screwup and don't let it happen again. And yea have some empathy.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

being a man means admitting to your mistakes and facing the consequences.
calling yourself alpha or "having the power" (lol this) doesnt make you a man.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Adex said:


> For the alphas, what happens when you do something that is truly your fault? I'm talking about something big that could end the relationship.
> 
> Then once you're forgiven, it gives her the upper hand. It's as if the power has been slightly lost somewhat due to your mistake. How can you reassert the alpha when she brings it up and makes you feel guilty about it.


I think you have to take it like a man. I mean, face it, if a guy betrays his wife it's a life long barrier for the both of you. If it cause you to lose a little power in the relationship then it's as it should be.


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

I owned to my mistake and understand the consequences. However, I do believe I still have to be in charge of our marriage. My question was more how to keep that after a mistake. It's fine because I'm still being assertive and things are almost back to how they were before.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

thats probably your answer, then.
making a mistake doesnt mean you have to lie down and take a beating, especially if you own up to said mistake and face the consequence.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Adex said:


> I owned to my mistake and understand the consequences. However, I do believe I still have to be in charge of our marriage. My question was more how to keep that after a mistake. It's fine because I'm still being assertive and things are almost back to how they were before.


That's the thing about leadership you know, everyone wants the name and the power that comes with it but few individuals realize that they have a responsibility to the ones they lead. So when you make a mistake you've not just let your wife down but you've let yourself down. So own up and show through your actions that you're in control of the relationship and that you understand your responsibility rather than whining about not having enough power.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Adex said:


> I owned to my mistake and understand the consequences. However, I do believe I still have to be in charge of our marriage. My question was more how to keep that after a mistake. It's fine because I'm still being assertive and things are almost back to how they were before.


I think where you may be off in your thinking a bit is this...

There's a big difference between the betrayer and betrayed- sort of like the one who commits a murder and one who has lost someone to a murderer. The criminal feels bad for a while, tries to do better, then forgets about it and moves on. But the one who has suffered the loss (in this case the one who has 'lost' their spouse due to a betrayal regardless if they continue together) they cannot "get over it" due to their disposition in all this mess. Therefore, so long as they (the betrayed) have some pain or loss of trust... the betrayer needs to have some level of on going contriteness. You do the crime, you pay the time- even if it's for the rest of your life.

Now, getting to your more poignant thoughts I think you can still be the leader but tread more lightly and with more respect, giving more deference to your spouse. Because it sounds to me like you just want to move on and be Mr. Alpha. But you relinquished that title when you betrayed your spouse. In fact, you don't deserve it anymore. Lead? Maybe. Lead with appropriate humility due to your crime? Try that one. It's the crown you have chosen to wear.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

Goldmember357 said:


> stop with this alpha nonsense.
> 
> you people are delusional and its helping you cope. Humans are not so black and white its not this simple we are much more complex too complex to be labelled in such a way.
> 
> My advice stop labeling yourself and stating that you need to be "alpha" to get women. That in itself is a joke


Not really.

Identifying things that affect our lives and assigning labels to them is called language.

Alpha is the tendency for people to take initiative and lead in their relationships.

It's one of the major things that makes you attractive to others, or not.

To throw up your hands and claim that everything is too complicated to put into words is anti-intellectual.


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## opensesame (Dec 19, 2012)

east2west said:


> Not really.
> 
> Identifying things that affect our lives and assigning labels to them is called language.
> 
> ...


I don't know much about women, but I do know that labelling yourself an "alpha" and taking it seriously is the kind of thing that would make them laugh at you. And not in a good way. 

The thing about confidence, leadership and strength are that the moment you start _trying_ for them, they disappear.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

opensesame said:


> I don't know much about women, but I do know that labelling yourself an "alpha" and taking it seriously is the kind of thing that would make them laugh at you. And not in a good way.
> 
> The thing about confidence, leadership and strength are that the moment you start _trying_ for them, they disappear.


That's ridiculous. So you can't become more confident, stronger and a better leader by working at it. Then we all might as well just resign ourselves to failing in marriage and in life.


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## opensesame (Dec 19, 2012)

east2west said:


> That's ridiculous. So you can't become more confident, stronger and a better leader by working at it. Then we all might as well just resign ourselves to failing in marriage and in life.


Maybe it's controversial, but yes, I believe that.

I go through periods in my life where I am absolutely brimming with confidence and I feel like I could get anybody to do anything. At other times my confidence has been low and I've felt weak. Usually I'm somewhere in the middle. Confidence comes and goes, and that's natural.

What I've found is that since success breeds confidence, if you can expose yourself to situations in which you're likely to be successful you can give yourself a confidence boost and ride that wave.

But sitting yourself down and consciously trying to be confident just doesn't work. Otherwise we'd always do it.


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

At first I totally disagreed with your comment, like east2west did.

However, I agree with your post above.

I think your real point is that trying to be confident, alpha, etc without action, is bound to fail. Once you start applying action, putting yourself in situations where you are prepared to succeed, than progress is made. Of course progress can be made through failure as well, but it takes a much more resilent mental perspective to reap that fruit.

As for the original poster, I think he is using the alpha term poorly. But if he wants to maintain control of his relationship, here is the best advice I've seen:

The person who is in control of the relationship is the person who needs it the least. 

In regards to whatever happened that put the OP in this spot, being in control of the relationship actually lends itself to an appropriate apology. There is nothing to fear from admitting you were wrong or made a mistake if you do not fear losing the relationship.


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## opensesame (Dec 19, 2012)

It's not quite what I meant, but close enough.

I just think the use of the word "alpha" is inherently ridiculous. We're not wolves. And there seems to be a high correlation between insecurity and obsession with being the "alpha". People who are genuine leaders and secure with themselves are the least likely people to be bothered with the idea, in my view. 

That doesn't mean I'm against self-improvement - just a certain kind of self-improvement. It's more important to learn to be comfortable with yourself than to obsess over being an "alpha".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

opensesame said:


> Maybe it's controversial, but yes, I believe that.
> 
> I go through periods in my life where I am absolutely brimming with confidence and I feel like I could get anybody to do anything. At other times my confidence has been low and I've felt weak. Usually I'm somewhere in the middle. Confidence comes and goes, and that's natural.
> 
> ...


That's beta talk. I say take that kind of attitude to the Ladies' lounge. Learning ways to being confident and becoming more alpha for self improvement would help any man. To not believe that is to succumb to society's and women's stereotypes that being the nice guy is better for all.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Adex said:


> That's beta talk. I say take that kind of attitude to the Ladies' lounge. Learning ways to being confident and becoming more alpha for self improvement would help any man. To not believe that is to succumb to society's and women's stereotypes that being the nice guy is better for all.


Does being "Alpha" equate to being rude?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

Not at all. The two are mutually exclusive.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

pidge70 said:


> Does being "Alpha" equate to being rude?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I always thought there was a difference between alpha and a$$hole...evidently I was wrong.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

3Xnocharm said:


> I always thought there was a difference between alpha and a$$hole...evidently I was wrong.


It would appear so.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

I read a forum on horse breeding the other day and it was fascinating to me. Apparently humans are like horses inasmuch as that the ALPHA and the LEADER in the group can be two DIFFERENT individuals. How can this be so?

Well it was observed that often, horses would follow the leader horse, but by the same token the leader horse would often give way to the alpha horse.

So you have to ask yourself... would you rather model yourself by Saddam Hussein (alpha) or .... the Dalai Lama (leader).


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Adex said:


> I owned to my mistake and understand the consequences. However, I do believe I still have to be in charge of our marriage. My question was more how to keep that after a mistake. It's fine because I'm still being assertive and things are almost back to how they were before.


You're trying way too hard.

A classic sign that you've lost whatever upper hand you assumed you had.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Adex said:


> That's beta talk. I say take that kind of attitude to the Ladies' lounge.


You're hoping to attract women in an internet forum?



> Learning ways to being confident and becoming more alpha for self improvement would help any man. To not believe that is to succumb to society's and women's stereotypes that being the nice guy is better for all


Confidence comes from constant exposure to situations and outcomes. There's really no magic to it, the only difference between a pickup artist and a shy man is that the pickup artist willingly approaches women no matter how uncomfortable he feels until it becomes second nature to seduce a woman. 

You can be a nice guy and still have the women swoon over you. You just have to stop being a pushover. I think the term nice guy should really be replaced with feckless pushover.


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

BjornFree said:


> You're hoping to attract women in an internet forum?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


There's definitely that but I think "Nice Guy" has stuck because it encompasses more, significantly the trait of being giving for self-serving reasons.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Adex said:


> That's beta talk. I say take that kind of attitude to the Ladies' lounge. Learning ways to being confident and becoming more alpha for self improvement would help any man. To not believe that is to succumb to society's and women's stereotypes that being the nice guy is better for all.


Oh cupcake, the fact that you consistently post about being alpha, whine insistently about how much of a man you are and moan about women who dared to reject your sexy self, all the while using a Hitler name sake. Even when called out on your name you laughed about it citing some new world order garbage.
If women don't want to have sex with you it is because they have standards and you are creepy.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

It takes two to be in a relationship, so why can't you both be in charge? Clearly, your solo power thing didn't work as you messed up so bad that you might lose your wife entirely and rather than working out the problem, you're worried about how to get back on the pedestal again. I find your need to have the power rather troubling and indicative of the fact that since you feel less bad about your ego than the thing you did, you'll probably find yourself in this exact position again in the future.

No one ought to have the power. You want to be an alpha? Be a good leader and be less concerned that you are getting the credit or status associated with it. If you're a good leader, she'll want to follow you -- and sometimes, you should hi e her the reins, too. Your ego has the potential to destroy your relationship; don't let it. Open your eyes to the reality if your situation, that sharing the burden, walking the path as partners, keeps you both from screwing up and increases your chances if mutual happiness.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Oh cupcake, the fact that you consistently post about being alpha, whine insistently about how much of a man you are and moan about women who dared to reject your sexy self, all the while using a Hitler name sake. Even when called out on your name you laughed about it citing some new world order garbage.
> If women don't want to have sex with you it is because they have standards and you are creepy.












:rofl:


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

moxy said:


> It takes two to be in a relationship, so why can't you both be in charge? Clearly, your solo power thing didn't work as you messed up so bad that you might lose your wife entirely and rather than working out the problem, you're worried about how to get back on the pedestal again. I find your need to have the power rather troubling and indicative of the fact that since you feel less bad about your ego than the thing you did, you'll probably find yourself in this exact position again in the future.
> 
> No one ought to have the power. You want to be an alpha? Be a good leader and be less concerned that you are getting the credit or status associated with it. If you're a good leader, she'll want to follow you -- and sometimes, you should hi e her the reins, too. Your ego has the potential to destroy your relationship; don't let it. Open your eyes to the reality if your situation, that sharing the burden, walking the path as partners, keeps you both from screwing up and increases your chances if mutual happiness.


:iagree:


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## opensesame (Dec 19, 2012)

Adex said:


> That's beta talk. I say take that kind of attitude to the Ladies' lounge. Learning ways to being confident and becoming more alpha for self improvement would help any man. To not believe that is to succumb to society's and women's stereotypes that being the nice guy is better for all.


I prefer to think of myself as a gamma male: the kind who doesn't give a **** about alpha and beta and just gets on with this life.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> That's beta talk. I say take that kind of attitude to the Ladies' lounge. Learning ways to being confident and becoming more alpha for self improvement would help any man. To not believe that is to succumb to society's and women's stereotypes that being the nice guy is better for all.


So, does being "Alpha" mean


stereotyping all women - apparently believing that ALL women ascribe to the belief that 'nice guys are better for all'?
believing that ALL women want to keep men's balls in their purses (after all 'nice guys' is a pejorative term...like doormat)?
insisting that YOU KNOW BETTER THAN YOUR WIFE how your family life and interpersonal relationship ought to be run?
As a couple of previous posters pointed out, YOU NEED TO LEARN SOME HUMILITY! You screwed the pooch (and perhaps some other woman?) and your wife found out. Now you've apologized and your MACHO attitude seems to be:

'I apologized to the little woman. She needs to suck it up now and move on. I'm still in charge.'


Apologies are STARTING POINTS, they're not the finish line.
If you hurt your wife, then SHE gets to decide when she's done being hurt...NOT YOU! No, she doesn't get to keep beating you over the head with your 'mistake' (which you've been VERY COZY about keeping from this anonymous forum), but you also DON'T GET TO TELL HER when she's done being upset. Or how long it should take. Or how uncomfortable YOU are with the way she feels.
The one who should be SUCKING IT UP here is YOU. YOU effed up! You want to be ALPHA, then ACCEPT CONSEQUENCES. All of them. Not just the ones YOU find tolerable.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

opensesame said:


> I prefer to think of myself as a gamma male: the kind who doesn't give a **** about alpha and beta and just gets on with this life.


Well according to this site that's sigma talk, my husband's the same it's probably part of the reason I respect him so much and so attracted to him.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

You guys are slinging Greek aplpabet around like we have a test on it. I'm gonna have to read the definitions again.

OP, *First off don't cheat again EVER*. 

You failed at being a man of integrity when you cheated. Don't fail again by losing the confidence and stability that your wife knows you to be. Great leaders, spouses, parents, friends, get better with age because they learn from life mistakes.

In short, have empathy and *respect that she gets to call a few shots now regarding boundaries and transparency otherwise you're not respecting her as a BS*. But don't allow a powershift fueled by guilt. If it was working before then don't let the dynamics change (execpt for the cheating part).


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## opensesame (Dec 19, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> You guys are slinging Greek aplpabet around like we have a test on it. I'm gonna have to read the definitions again.


That's omicron talk.


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## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

I'm beginning to think, that for a lot of the men(op) that feel like they have to constantly classify themselves as alpha, that alpha is synonymous with pathetically insecure.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

FROM EARLIER POSTINGS BY OP ON BEING ALPHA:


> Women want the alpha, but how can you attain it?


Some GUY told you women want the Alpha. Plenty of women DON'T. Only matters what YOUR WIFE wants.



> I'm not as nice to my spouse in terms of helping around the house or with my kid. I don't show her much affection. Whatever she does, I do a bit less. This makes her like me more.


No it doesn't! How would ANYONE enjoy being treated poorly? Having 'games' run on them? No-one who is normal, with healthy adult, self-esteem would ENJOY this. So either your wife does NOT enjoy this, or she's very screwed up!

You better HOPE & PRAY that she doesn't meet a guy who treats her better! You'll be one of the bitter guys on this board who wails, "She walked away for NO APPARENT REASON. She didn't even TELL ME she was unhappy! She didn't give me a chance to fix it!" You're living your life to make YOURSELF happier without giving a single thought to making your WIFE happier. If she leaves you, or cheats on you, you'll CLAIM you were CLUELESS! and aggrieved! and the innocent party!


> My sex life has improved as a result.


 Sounds like you messing with your wife's mind is having the desired effect...she's totally confused and can't figure out why you treat her shabbily when she is nice to you. You UP the cr*ppy behavior, she UPS the nice behavior, you continue to UP the cr*ppy behavior. She WILL give up in disgust and confusion one of these days and you'll only have YOURSELF (and the stupid definition of ALPHA) to blame.


> Any other ideas? Becoming the alpha is a learning process...


I forsee a wife who CHEATS or WALKS AWAY in your future. If you REALLY want to learn something, learn how to TREAT YOUR WIFE as an important PARTNER in building a LIFE TOGETHER...not a peon subject to your whims and games.

2 cents...

*


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

cantmove said:


> I'm beginning to think, that for a lot of the men(op) that feel like they have to constantly classify themselves as alpha, that alpha is synonymous with pathetically insecure.


Also calling themselves 'alpha' make's someone alpha or even the alpha ethology exists in human's the same way it exists in wolves. It seems the semantics of alpha ethology has been twisted by some (and totally misinterpreted) to try to totally fit humans. What's 'alpha' in humans is total theory and very subjective.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

It's all verbage.

*The kind of woman I want to be strong for is one who:*

- wants to stand beside someone *she respects.*
- who is *not a pushover.*
- who is *not needy or clingy or insecure.*
- who she knows will *protect her, the marriage, the family.*
- who she knows *returns respect and holds her accountable to be respectable.*
- who she knows *will stand up for themselves even against her.*
- who she knows *loves her.*
- who is sorry for mistakes and *holds himself accountable.*

There's no labels needed for this.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> So, does being "Alpha" mean
> 
> 
> stereotyping all women - apparently believing that ALL women ascribe to the belief that 'nice guys are better for all'?
> ...


Sadly he will find women who respond to this type of treatment...insecure women with low self esteem in my estimation. To each their own I guess.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> Originally posted by Thundarr:
> There's no labels needed for this.


No, but there's one that fits aptly....a MAN!

A real MAN (not to be confused with a male human).


*


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## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> It's all verbage.
> 
> *The kind of woman I want to be strong for is one who:*
> 
> ...



I want the guy that wants this kind of woman.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> OP, *First off don't cheat again EVER*


I'm sorry, what? This man cheated on his wife, and he's here on TAM asking advice on how to maintain his sham "alpha" label?

Dear. God.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> I'm sorry, what? This man cheated on his wife, and he's here on TAM asking advice on how to maintain his sham "alpha" label?
> 
> Dear. God.


He's not b*llsy enough to admit what he did; just that he 'made a mistake'. From the little he's written, we've SURMISED he cheated on W. He hasn't been back to confirm/deny/set record straight.


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

I didn't cheat on my wife. Just because I said I made a mistake that could end the relationship, doesn't mean it's cheating.

Things have gone back to normal. The alpha has been maintained. There is no need for the haters to keep responding to this thread.


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

Adex said:


> I didn't cheat on my wife. Just because I said I made a mistake that could end the relationship, doesn't mean it's cheating.
> 
> Things have gone back to normal. The alpha has been maintained. There is no need for the haters to keep responding to this thread.


So where do you plan to lead her, now that I assume you once again have a willing follower?


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

Well, she's not a follower. In fact she has a strong personality and always has. I admit I used to be too nice to her before until I learned to become more alpha and things are much better now. She respects me more and our sex life has improved. Nice guys finish last.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Adex said:


> I didn't cheat on my wife. Just because I said I made a mistake that could end the relationship, doesn't mean it's cheating.
> 
> Things have gone back to normal. The alpha has been maintained. There is no need for the haters to keep responding to this thread.


 sneaky sneaky. We took the bait.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> Things have gone back to normal. The alpha has been maintained.


Even the ALPHAS appear stunned by this pronouncement.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Adex said:


> Well, she's not a follower. In fact she has a strong personality and always has. I admit I used to be too nice to her before until I learned to become more alpha and things are much better now. She respects me more and our sex life has improved. Nice guys finish last.


Assuming you even have a wife, which I'm not convinced of, I have a tough time believing she doesn't see through this act. You reek of "nice guy pretending so hard to be a tough guy". If it's so apparent online, it must be utterly transparent in real life.


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## malkuth (Dec 28, 2012)

if you think that it was wrong, you sincerely apologise. you admit that it was wrong again. if she forgives you, that is because she can accept it for once. it doesn't cause you to be a person that can accept something you wouldn't or forgiveness doesn't mean that she has a chance to do something that she wouldn't do before. 

you let her know this and she likes it, because she likes you for who you are, that is why she forgives you.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Anyone who has to worry so much about being alpha is so clearly nothing of the sort. Real men don't need to think, they just are.


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## d4life (Nov 28, 2012)

Lyris said:


> Anyone who has to worry so much about being alpha is so clearly nothing of the sort. Real men don't need to think, they just are.


 Very true!


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

So then Adex... 

If you did not cheat then... What did you do that was so bad it could potentially finish the relationship?


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## Dulciean (Nov 18, 2012)

Can I please get pointed in the right direction to read about this concept of ' Alpha' in a marriage that I read about frequently on here. I am not up with all the ideas and theories that abound here!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Dulciean:
You can start by Googling any of the following people and their philosophy/relationship forums:

Roissy
Athol Kay
Robert Glover
Neil Strauss
Mystery
Gary Chapman
[thanks to Deejo for the list; and, no, he's NOT a d-bag who buys into this pig-slop!]

I would suggest that BEFORE Googling these people, you get yourself a rather large, um, what the airlines euphemistically refer to as a 'stomach distress' bag...(we just call them a barf-bag)...because you're going to do more than throw-up-a-little-in-your-mouth! :rofl:


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Dulciean:
> You can start by Googling any of the following people and their philosophy/relationship forums:
> 
> Roissy
> ...


I think the problem with the whole seduction industry is that men come to it with the goal of getting sex or girlfriend when in fact their goal should be self-improvement. Then that would follow naturally. So the industry caters to that goal, and consequently embellishes many interesting and useful relationship truths with manipulative techniques.


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Assuming you even have a wife, which I'm not convinced of, I have a tough time believing she doesn't see through this act. You reek of "nice guy pretending so hard to be a tough guy". If it's so apparent online, it must be utterly transparent in real life.


I do have a wife and have nothing to prove to you mr. beta. I never discuss the alpha topic in my real life other than the internet. I save that for the internet to get advice on improving myself.

I just started changing my behavior some time earlier this year with some of the alpha views I have learned and it has worked. It's up to men if they want to follow it or not. All I can say is, it's better to be the leader than the follower.


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

Well, people might be thinking I'm a total jerk when I talk about alpha. I'm not. Below is basically how I act more alpha.

One big change of behavior that has made me more alpha is to just decide for the two of us. I say something like, "Hey we'll eat at Olive Garden today," and she'll agree. Before, I'd ask what would you like to eat today? WRONG. Don't ask but tell in a nice manner.

Or if she asks me which shoes or dress is better, I pick one and that's it. If she asks what to do with our son, I decide for her and it's a done deal. Basically, whenever she asks me to decide, the decision is made. No more hesitation or bs like "whatever you like."

When we're at a bar or club together, I'll decide when to leave and tell her let's go. When she gains weight I tell her she's looking fatter so she'll lose weight. To be fair she calls me fat when I gain weight. 

I don't control her though. When she decides to do things I let her do her thing as long as I'm ok with it, which is most of the time. However, she knows that she can't go out with her friends to bars or clubs without me. 

When I want sex I say ok sex tonight at this time. Sometimes she'll say ok but other times she's tired and will say tomorrow. She has a low desire for it but I insist on a schedule of at least 3 times a week so it gets done.

I know the women on this forum may not like the way I handle this relationship. But surely, men who are having problems with their wives, would agree this arrangement is optimum to get the man's needs met.

My advice is just to become more alpha.


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

tobio said:


> Would that be problems as in your wife won't do what you want?
> 
> Interesting how you don't mention how that attitude is optimum to getting your wife's needs met.
> 
> I have actually thought since I started reading your posts that you are a massive troll. Or maybe that should say tool. I think the two may be interchangeable in your case


My wife's needs are met by me being more alpha because women like a man that leads. No need to hate me if you don't agree with my opinion. I don't even know who you are.


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## d4life (Nov 28, 2012)

Adex said:


> Well, people might be thinking I'm a total jerk when I talk about alpha. I'm not. Below is basically how I act more alpha.
> 
> One big change of behavior that has made me more alpha is to just* decide for the two of us*. I say something like, "Hey we'll eat at Olive Garden today," and she'll agree. Before, I'd ask what would you like to eat today? WRONG. Don't ask but tell in a nice manner.
> 
> ...


This does not make you an "alpha", it makes you an ass.


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

Wow. It doesn't make me an ass. It just says that I make the decisions. In your marriage does your wife run things and you follow her? That's cool if it is. Different strokes for different folks. 

However, for me I could never be "whipped" like that.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Adex said:


> Well, people might be thinking I'm a total jerk when I talk about alpha. I'm not. Below is basically how I act more alpha.
> 
> One big change of behavior that has made me more alpha is to just decide for the two of us. I say something like, "Hey we'll eat at Olive Garden today," and she'll agree. Before, I'd ask what would you like to eat today? WRONG. Don't ask but tell in a nice manner.
> 
> ...


No you don't control her 

My guess is that your "needs" are being met because your wife is scared of you or she is playing the game, all the while making an exit plan.


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

If she was making an exit plan, she would have divorced me due to the mistake I made which was what this thread was about. I don't feel like saying what the mistake was, but that could have been her exit if she wanted it. She loves me though and how our life is so she won't.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Adex said:


> I do have a wife and have nothing to prove to you* mr. beta.* I never discuss the alpha topic in my real life other than the internet. I save that for the internet to get advice on improving myself.
> 
> I just started changing my behavior some time earlier this year with some of the alpha views I have learned and it has worked. It's up to men if they want to follow it or not. All I can say is, it's better to be the leader than the follower.


Is that suppose to hurt my feelings? Hilarious.

Sorry dude, I'm not the one who had to change my behavior, "alpha up", and pretend to be something I'm clearly not, all just to get my wife to have sex with me, and treat me like a man.

That would be all you.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Apparently Alpha = Father/Boss
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Is that suppose to hurt my feelings? Hilarious.
> 
> Sorry dude, I'm not the one who had to change my behavior, "alpha up", and pretend to be something I'm clearly not, all just to get my wife to have sex with me, and treat me like a man.
> 
> That would be all you.


You're assuming an awful lot, and your assumptions are wrong. I didn't cheat on my wife like you thought I did. I've always had sex with my wife, but it's just more now, and she's always treated me like a man.

You don't know me or my situation so stop acting like you do. The way you seem to have this anger towards me, someone that's a stranger to you over the internet, just points to the fact that you must have a low self esteem. It's one of your beta qualities that you should work on.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Adex said:


> You're assuming an awful lot, and your assumptions are wrong. I didn't cheat on my wife like you thought I did. I've always had sex with my wife, but it's just more now, and she's always treated me like a man.
> 
> You don't know me or my situation so stop acting like you do. The way you seem to have this anger towards me, someone that's a stranger to you over the internet, just points to the fact that you must have a low self esteem. It's one of your beta qualities that you should work on.


:lol::lol::lol:

There are no words.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

jaquen said:


> :lol::lol::lol:
> 
> There are no words.


Oh come on now jaquen, you know you are :whip:.....:rofl: 

I totally agree though, there are NO words....geez. Well, there are words but, not worth getting banned.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

Adex, I don't know if you will read this or even take what I say to heart because yanno...I'm a woman with a female brain. My husband has been exactly as you describe. Sex when he finds it convenient, he makes the decisions, I go along with it. He is a federal agent, his work face is frightening! He chose our house, how we invest our money, I get a certain allowance (though I can say he has never been miserly with me.) 

I completely lost who I am. For a long time I was not happy. I got no love, no care, just a boss/daddy. It just doesn't work 100% of the time. Don't lose sight of the tender things that women need.


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

AnnieAsh said:


> Adex, I don't know if you will read this or even take what I say to heart because yanno...I'm a woman with a female brain. My husband has been exactly as you describe. Sex when he finds it convenient, he makes the decisions, I go along with it. He is a federal agent, his work face is frightening! He chose our house, how we invest our money, I get a certain allowance (though I can say he has never been miserly with me.)
> 
> I completely lost who I am. For a long time I was not happy. I got no love, no care, just a boss/daddy. It just doesn't work 100% of the time. Don't lose sight of the tender things that women need.


Interesting. I'll take that into consideration. Thanks.


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## d4life (Nov 28, 2012)

Adex said:


> Wow. It doesn't make me an ass. It just says that I make the decisions. In your marriage does your wife run things and you follow her? That's cool if it is. Different strokes for different folks.
> 
> However, for me I could never be "whipped" like that.


Well actually I am the wife, and my husband would never treat me that way. If he did that attitude would not last long or I would be gone.  We treat each other with love and respect. We also trust each other and we make decisions together. It must be working because we have been happily married for 23 years now with no major mistakes.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

jaquen said:


> :lol::lol::lol:
> 
> There are no words.


Really? I can think of a few.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> Originally posted by Adex:
> you must have a low self esteem


Bub, YOU wouldn't know LOW SELF-ESTEEM if it slapped you in the face with very large, oversized breasts!!!

YOUR WIFE has NO SELF-ESTEEM if she puts up with your sh1t! No woman with self-esteem, self-respect, healthy emotional balance would buy into your (or anyone else's) ALPHA-crap!

Lucky for you, you got the kind of woman with NO self-esteem. She accepts your cr*p. 

YOU ignoring HER needs, however, is LIKELY to lead her into an affair if some OTHER guy shows interest in HER and HER needs. She will be SO STARVED for POSITIVE attention from ANY MAN that she could be talked into an inappropriate relationship pretty easily.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You don't have to like what the guy has to say, how he says it, or whatever it is he may or may not have done.

You don't have to respond at all.

Wishing him ill, or that his marriage fails is very bad form.

Personal attacks, inciting others, or derailing are against forum guidelines.

Thank you.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Hi Adex,

Not a hate post, just a slightly puzzled post.

Instead of 'maintaining the alpha' can't you 'maintain being the best husband and man you can be'?

I've read one of the books that mention 'alpha' (MMSLP). While I can see that it would help a man who is overweight, comes home, scoffs takeaway pizza, chugs beer and plays WOW or Everquest all night. He then basically ignores his wife and lets her do all the work around the house and look after the kids. Hardly surprising that this poor woman finally snaps and wants a divorce or has an affair.

It's hardly rocket science to understand that to remain attractive to your wife (or any woman) you need to keep fit. You also need to look after yourself externally and internally.
Dress well, have confidence, be decisive and not take any unnecessary nonsense.

Ok you're probably going to tell me (to quote you) that I 'belong in the ladies lounge' but whatever.

This is the way I do things. I'm as beta as heck (although confusingly my wife says I'm alpha without trying).
I cook, I mop floors, I hoover, clean the bathroom, I do laundry. Why wouldn't I? It's my house and my responsibility as well.

I try to keep myself fit and attractive, I've posted a few pics on this forum and had largely positive feedback from the ladies here so must be doing something right.

Unless they are merely saying I look good to pamper my fragile male ego!

When I feel love I tell my wife I love her, when I feel horny I tell her I'm horny and that she is the reason for my horniness. If I'm angry or upset I tell her I am angry or upset. I talk to her, share my feelings and worries.
In fact one of the things she most likes is that over the last 10 years or so I am prepared to talk about my feelings and worries instead of keeping them to myself.

Yes I try to be confident and decisive, but I don't try to be any more confident and decisive than I really am as I'm sure my inner beta will always show through.

You mention frequency of sex. I'm Mr Beta but I can have sex whenever I want within reason. I've even been told that if she is asleep and I am horny and uncomfortable with it just to wake her up and she will sort me out. I get 'laid like tile'. And I freakin' love it!

Am I just a very very lucky man? Or is this a direct consequence of me trying to be the best man and husband I can be for my wife?

I really can't see the point in stomping around the house saying "Grawwwr, me alpha, you Jane" and beating my chest.

If being 'alpha' works for you and your wife then great, but if you are following something like MMSLP then I think even that book recommends that you include loads of beta too.

I'm not a woman (obviously) so can't really comment but I'm pretty sure that if I was a woman I'd end up hating a man who just spent all his time being a domineering pr!ck.


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

Adex, when you mess up at this kind of caliber in your relationship it skews the Alpha / Beta routine beyond your control for quite a while.

Yes, you still need to be a Captain in certain ways (taking care of chores, paying bills, leading the family, etc.), but as Athol says, at a time like this your wife is in need of some serious Beta now. The Alpha doesn't work when the dynamic gets screwed up lke this. She needs relationship comforts like security (reassurance you are remoseful and will not do this again) and as such she needs to feel stable again. It's the Alpha that got you into this mess, so it's the Alpha you need to subdue big time for the time being.

Your biggest problem here is your perspective. You asked how you can "maintain your alpha" -- Rather than asking what your wife needs. That's your problem. You're still only concerned about yourself rather than focusing on what part of the Alpha / Beta dynamic your WIFE needs right now. Because THAT is the answer to your/her relationship stability.


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

Thundarr said:


> Adex didn't tell us what he did wrong. He implied infidelity or we assumed it but then he said it wasn't that.
> 
> Unless we know what the "mistake" is then it's speculation. He did a good job baiting us though.


I recognized that as well and that's okay, my post still addressed the issue even w/o the details. What I do know is what he told us - he screwed up royally, and usually it's an alpha move to do something impactful enough to screw up royally. And his wife is upset and she needs comfort, which calls for beta.


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