# Long road, hypnosis? medications? what helps?



## crushed2x (Nov 14, 2021)

Many have read my story, it is ugly but not too rare I guess. I am struggling almost 8 weeks since D day. Quick summary SO(F52) told me the relationship was over with no warning. Yes there were some weird things going on but never suspected it. I had complete and utter faith and trust in her. She was my best friend and I'm not simply saying that. Anyone you meet would tell you how sweet, kind, warm, level headed and caring she is.

I know my relationship is over 100%

My struggles are that every single day is groundhog day. I wake up, if I've slept, and can't believe someone I trusted like this, that essentially went through my divorce with me would just ABANDON me cold turkey and never call me again. She monkey branched to another guy, much older with nothing in common, but that's not where my problem lies. She abandoned me, and has rewritten history so I am the bad guy, and refuses to speak to me. This is the hardest thing emotionally I have ever had to deal with, and I got divorced from a cheating wife when I had 4 young kids. This is infinitely more difficult. I loved her more, and never in my wildest dreams could imagine for a second that she would treat me like this.

She had her son drop off Christmas gifts for all my kids, without ringing the bell or anything. My daughters got very angry and told her over text, "leave us alone", and "never contact me again" It just made it worse for me. So I wake up every day sad. I don't want fighting, I don't want hatred, gaslighting, etc...The affair is hard enough to process without all this added stuff, AND I honestly feel like I will get over her, no doubt, BUT I highly doubt I will ever get over the hurt of how someone that was my number one just cut my throat and left me for dead. It makes me feel like a ****ty person, unlovable, disposable, nasty(from the gaslighting I'm hearing)

I have support of family and good friends including some great folks from here and Reddit that came out of nowhere, but every day is the same. I feel like not a single one of my close friends, kids etc understand how bad I'm feeling inside. They offer words of encouragement like "just forget about her" "get over it" "f her, she's done" "get on Match" I appreciate all this but it is an internal battle 24/7 and I often feel like I just don't know how to fight this battle...so

Has anyone tried EMDR? If so, where? APP? Therapist? Who?
anyone tried Hypnosis for divorce related anxiety?
Medications? I tried celexa for 2 days ended up in the hospital with severe cardiac event
Meditation/ If so how long? what exactly?
Accupuncture?

ANYTHING else? I know time heals, but I just don't see how or when I might wake up or go to bed or function during the day with no answers to how did I trust someone this much and they were living a double life? Worse she's told everyone its not true, and it was my fault because of blah blah and shut me off 100%. I don't think I can stop the spinning of my brain which is constantly searching for an answer that isn't really there to find. It creates a feeling of extreme anxiety and general agitation I just can't quiet. Anyway, Sorry this is long, I have been struggling since Christmas as in the past it was such a great day for our families, and she was the leader. It killed me that she he was less than a mile away living her new life. No text, nothing. To be expected but it all just seems so wrong. Hometown sweetheart gone ugly for some old rich out of state guy.....

Direct message me with any details you don't want to post publicly THANKS


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

A) I think your picker is out of adjustment.

B) Be glad you're rid of that parasite.

C) Be happy that you dodged this particular bullet before it got it's claws into your finances.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Were you married? How long together? 

Sometimes we want to end the suffering quickly don't we, but it's true that it's time that helps. For me it was a LOT of time, and my faith. I didn't have close family, I lost my parents quite young. Not that close to my brother. Personally I would never go the hypnotherapy route, you need to grieve. 
You have family and friends who care which is a real blessing.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

crushed2x said:


> I have support of family and good friends including some great folks from here and Reddit that came out of nowhere, but every day is the same. I feel like not a single one of my close friends, kids etc understand how bad I'm feeling inside. They offer words of encouragement like "just forget about her" "get over it" "f her, she's done" "get on Match" I appreciate all this but it is an internal battle 24/7 and I often feel like I just don't know how to fight this battle...so …


@crushed2x I understand that those kind of statements are meant as encouragement—shoot you even got a few more here before my post! You’ve been divorced before and you lived through that and even loved again, so yes, be encouraged knowing that how you feel now is impermanent. It will ease at some point. However, I get it—that point where it eases is not TODAY and you would like assistance to get through today.

I would strongly recommend NOT going on Match or other online dating right now…because all that would do is mask the pain, like a bandaid over an amputation. You need to take some time and catch your breath and get you feet back underneath you.



> Has anyone tried EMDR? If so, where? APP? Therapist? Who?
> anyone tried Hypnosis for divorce related anxiety?
> Medications? I tried celesta for 2 days ended up in the hospital with severe cardiac event
> Meditation/ If so how long? what exactly?
> Accupuncture?


@crushed2x I tend to be a natural person as much as possible and thus when I was divorcing I took St. John’s Wort—an herb. I feel like I needed a little assistance with depression but didn’t want to take a medication. I also realized it was situational and not clinical, so an herb felt helpful but natural. I’ve also done therapy, but I just found a counselor I connected with, and we talked about anything happening in my life that I wanted to address. In the course of that talking we did do some EMDR therapy and I highly recommend it. I think it’s best with a trained professional though and not just an app. 😊


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Affaircare said:


> @crushed2x I understand that those kind of statements are meant as encouragement—shoot you even got a few more here before my post! You’ve been divorced before and you lived through that and even loved again, so yes, be encouraged knowing that how you feel now is impermanent. It will ease at some point. However, I get it—that point where it eases is not TODAY and you would like assistance to get through today.
> 
> I would strongly recommend NOT going on Match or other online dating right now…because all that would do is mask the pain, like a bandaid over an amputation. You need to take some time and catch your breath and get you feet back underneath you.
> 
> ...


He did get divorced before but it sounds like he's never really been on his own for a while now. He says she helped him through his divorce so before he was single they were together. His ex-wife cheated so he didn't owe her faithfulness but it sounds like he didn't take time to process and heal himself before getting into the next relationship.


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

@crushed2x the first thing you need to do is find a good therapist with experience treating PTSD related anxiety and depression. PTSD can be brought on by infidelity and abandonment and you need to figure that out before starting medication. If the therapist thinks medication is warranted, he or she can recommend a prescribing doctor. 
Infidelity Associated With Ptsd-related Symptoms and Poorer Psychological Outcomes

Take care of yourself, make your health the number one priority right now. 
Good luck to you, it will get better.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

crushed2x said:


> Many have read my story, it is ugly but not too rare I guess. I am struggling almost 8 weeks since D day. Quick summary SO(F52) told me the relationship was over with no warning. Yes there were some weird things going on but never suspected it. I had complete and utter faith and trust in her. She was my best friend and I'm not simply saying that. Anyone you meet would tell you how sweet, kind, warm, level headed and caring she is.
> 
> I know my relationship is over 100%
> 
> ...


I’ve done EMDR, it was a great experience. It helped with the trauma of certain things involving DDay and afterward. IC helped and still does to an extent. I hated medication and stopped that very quickly.

You have to remember, you are only 8 weeks out. It’s normal to be devestated and hurt by this. You have to be gentle on yourself and your heart, it takes time. It hurts like hell, but it’s supposed to. I promise you, over time and with the right mind set you will get through this and see major improvements each month that goes by.

I don’t think I believed I would survive. But I have, and it still sucks sometimes, but I don’t hurt the way I did the first 6 to 8 months. Those were hell months. You will be ok, hang in there.


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## crushed2x (Nov 14, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> I’ve done EMDR, it was a great experience. It helped with the trauma of certain things involving DDay and afterward. IC helped and still does to an extent. I hated medication and stopped that very quickly.
> 
> You have to remember, you are only 8 weeks out. It’s normal to be devestated and hurt by this. You have to be gentle on yourself and your heart, it takes time. It hurts like hell, but it’s supposed to. I promise you, over time and with the right mind set you will get through this and see major improvements each month that goes by.
> 
> I don’t think I believed I would survive. But I have, and it still sucks sometimes, but I don’t hurt the way I did the first 6 to 8 months. Those were hell months. You will be ok, hang in there.


This is great and hopeful. Thank you sincerely. Some days I think I will be ok, but most I just don't. It is just so unbelievable to me moreso because of who I THOUGHT she was all along, and how we were in a good place(I know maybe she was not), talking and planning the future for years, literally talking about getting married, and seriously OVERNIGHT, she's a different human being. The time of year definitely doesn't help. I miss her so much I can't stand a minute of the day. 8 weeks I didn't think I'd be crying randomly. Your post makes me feel a little more normal which is a huge help. I have thought I can't do this for that much longer at times. It is very challenging to wake up every day with ridiculous anxiety, spend the day a mess and go to bed and cry. Last night I went to get take out with my daughter and I went in while she waited outside. I felt fine. Waiting in the restaurant for the food a song came on, killed me. I started crying right there, went out and couldn't get in the car because i didn't want her to know. I finally did, she said what could have happened in there, but she knew. I just said it hurts buddy. She put her hand on my arm and said its ok Dad. She's priceless, but my heart is in a thousand tiny fragments. I probably do have PTSD from going through this before, and now this betrayal. Its so unreal. I can't wait for the day I don't say "Not her" 1000x


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## crushed2x (Nov 14, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> He did get divorced before but it sounds like he's never really been on his own for a while now. He says she helped him through his divorce so before he was single they were together. His ex-wife cheated so he didn't owe her faithfulness but it sounds like he didn't take time to process and heal himself before getting into the next relationship.


True, I did get divorced, which took 3 years, trial, appeals, you name it. Terrible anxiety producing stuff. This woman came into my life during that time, so I wasn't totally alone much and did have my young kids for a distraction and full time hands on Dad. It was a busier time so maybe that's what helped. I have spent a LOT of alone time over the years because of the divorce, and the past 18 months because my SO had moved to RI to her beach house while we worked n getting my kids onto the next step(college and apartment) She should have stayed, and I knew this would probably like our relationship just because of loneliness and opportunity, but I just trusted her and we were friends. I visited her often. Im still shocked, as are ALL of my friends and family. It just doesn't fit what people thought- especially me and I knew her intimately for 12 years and friends have known her for 40 or more. I guess you never know


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

It's grief, plain and simple. You are grieving the death of the future you believed you would have with this woman. It has also opened old betrayal wounds from your divorce, that you may not have fully processed if you got into another relationship right away. This woman probably cheated on you, too, from the sounds of it. Another betrayal.

It's okay to be having a rough time. Your world has been through another major upheaval. Be strong for your children, and treat yourself with kindness. Take slow steps towards rebuilding yourself and your life. Make a list of important things to do, like dividing finances, changing beneficiaries, changing the locks, or contacting a lawyer. You may only accomplish one tiny part of goal in a day sometimes, but that's okay. Just keep slowly moving forward. And seek professional help for support, if you find your family and friends aren't understanding enough to be helpful.

You can't control what she tells other people. You can only control yourself. She's obviously not going to tell the truth, because it makes her look bad, but you can. "She left abruptly and had a new boyfriend immediately, so I'm feeling abandoned and betrayed. It's going to take a while to process her lies." And remember that her lies include that voice inside you telling you that you are disposable and nasty. YOU have worth. SHE'S the one who's nasty. She used you until she found something better, then she threw you out. It doesn't mean you are worthless, it just means that she treats people like objects. That's on her, not you.


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## Killi (May 12, 2021)

crushed2x said:


> I appreciate all this but it is an internal battle 24/7 and I often feel like I just don't know how to fight this battle...so


Don't see it as a fight, more like letting go of a steering wheel of a car that broke apart and disappeared.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

For me it was my children alone who got me through my 23 year marriage suddenly and traumatically ending. They had no one else but me.


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## crushed2x (Nov 14, 2021)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> It's grief, plain and simple. You are grieving the death of the future you believed you would have with this woman. It has also opened old betrayal wounds from your divorce, that you may not have fully processed if you got into another relationship right away. This woman probably cheated on you, too, from the sounds of it. Another betrayal.


Definitely grieving the death of our future. She did cheat, no doubt at all, but she has denied it fervently since her original half a***d confessions. I am grieving all the fun things we used to do during the nice weather, and in particular, right now I am grieving the holidays and the loss of our family, tradition, and mutual affection. I think this absolutely opened old wounds and PTSD stuff from EX wife, divorce, etc. At this point I feel like there really can't be a person out there I can trust. none.


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## crushed2x (Nov 14, 2021)

I know my Original post got wordy, but I am looking for recommendations on this too:

Has anyone tried EMDR? If so, where? APP? Therapist? Who?
anyone tried Hypnosis for divorce related anxiety?
Medications? I tried celexa for 2 days ended up in the hospital with severe cardiac event
Meditation/ If so how long? what exactly?
Accupuncture?
St. John's Wort?

I realize a lot of the comments are telling me what worked for them, time, family etc., just wondering if any alternative methods worked and also wondering how long until the sun shined again..


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

Can I add exercise and spend more time outdoors if you can? Exercise releases endorphins. Fresh air will help clear your head. Even a 10 min walk when you are restless helps. Whatever you do do not allow yourself to brood!

I hate that it's winter where I am because I am a baby in the cold but when it was warm being oudoors, alone, was/is my greatest healer! It is weird the things you will notice. I saw a butterfly once fly higher than the tallest tree in the park. I watched fish nibble bugs off the surface of tge pond. I pissed off a murder of crows who screeched and howled at me. I let an inchworm crawl on the palm of my hand. Listened to a kid play acoustic guitar under the autumn leaves. It sounds dumb, simplistic even, but every second that I noticed these things I WASN'T thinking about ex. And those alone times are precious to me now.

You can do this.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

Also wanted to add that the time until the "sun shines again" is different for everyone. But it DOES SHINE AGAIN! 

Sometimes when I get lonely I come here and say... I miss him. Or I am lonely. Or flat out throw a pity party. No one here holds it against me, and they won't for you either. 

Hang in there.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

crushed2x said:


> ....... So I wake up every day sad. I don't want fighting, I don't want hatred, gaslighting, etc...The affair is hard enough to process without all this added stuff, AND I honestly feel like I will get over her, no doubt, BUT I highly doubt I will ever get over the hurt of how someone that was my number one just cut my throat and left me for dead. It makes me feel like a ****ty person, unlovable, disposable, nasty(from the gaslighting I'm hearing)
> 
> I have support of family and good friends including some great folks from here and Reddit that came out of nowhere, but every day is the same. I feel like not a single one of my close friends, kids etc understand how bad I'm feeling inside. They offer words of encouragement like "just forget about her" "get over it" "f her, she's done" "get on Match" I appreciate all this but it is an internal battle 24/7 and I often feel like I just don't know how to fight this battle...so
> 
> ...


I hear your pain and my heart goes out to you.

A few thoughts. You are grieving at the death of your marriage and relationship to your ex-wife. Grieving is a process that ends with acceptance. You need to follow that path and move toward acceptance of the death of your marriage. You don't need to buy into her version of history. She probably knows it was not your fault, but has to make herself into the victim so she doesn't have to live with the guilt of what she did to you.

Anger is also a stage in the grieving process. You need to forgive your wife and move past anger if you want to reach acceptance.

In rebuilding my marriage, I did a lot of affirmations and self-hypnosis. I would tell myself, aloud, that my wife was a human being, who struggled with right and wrong. She was human and made some bad decisions. We are all human and capable of being tempted into doing evil things, if we are not strong. I told myself that even though she hurt me deeply, she bless my life with two children and some of the happiest times of my life. My affirmations included statements that I forgave her for her being human and hurting me. Ultimately she changed the way she treated me and started to walk the talk and we reconciled and are still married. I realize neither you nor your wife want reconciliation, but the process of affirmations and self-hypnosis can help you move forward with forgiveness and moving toward acceptance of the death of your marriage.

As to EMDR. The woman who taught me the power of affirmations and self-hypnosis also did EMDR therapy. One of the stories she told the class I took was about how she went to a party with her fireman boyfriend shortly after a horrible home fire where the firefighters had to bring out the bodies of several dead children. The party was not much of a party, until she pulled one of the most depressed firefighters aside, sat him down and started some EMDR therapy on him, The effect on his was amazing. Pretty soon there was a long line of firefighters asking her to do them next. Ultimately, they hired her to start sessions at the fire station over the next several weeks to deal with their PTSD from the mass children's deaths. So, I do believe that EMDR works.

I wish you the best of luck in this coming new year. Try anything that may allow you to move forward in reclaiming joy in your life.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

crushed2x said:


> I know my Original post got wordy, but I am looking for recommendations on this too:
> 
> Has anyone tried EMDR? If so, where? APP? Therapist? Who?
> anyone tried Hypnosis for divorce related anxiety?
> ...


EMDR can certainly help you with the trauma. You need to find a licensed therapist who has training in this -- and it's in-person.

Also, she had her son drop off gifts for your kids (and they are pissed?). Pack them back up and send them back to her.
She is NO FRIEND of you or your kids with what she pulled. Those gifts are to ease HER mind that what she didn't wasn't so bad. Who needs her. You NOW see the real her and what she is capable of -- and you need NO PART of that.

Make sure you work out -- lots of good physical activity, lift weights, etc..

Meditation can also help -- and there are a TON of apps for that. Calm is one of the better-known ones. Also a good book I found was "
*8 Minute Meditation Expanded: Quiet Your Mind. Change Your Life*
"
Tons of videos on Youtube to help with this also.

When you realize you are focusing on HER or your past relationship, just say F*CK THIS, and think/do something else.
You WILL get past this and realize how awful she really is. You had blinders and were fooled by her (not your fault -- you trusted her -- she just proved to be super untrustworthy in the long term....)


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## crushed2x (Nov 14, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> EMDR can certainly help you with the trauma. You need to find a licensed therapist who has training in this -- and it's in-person.
> 
> Also, she had her son drop off gifts for your kids (and they are pissed?). Pack them back up and send them back to her.
> She is NO FRIEND of you or your kids with what she pulled. Those gifts are to ease HER mind that what she didn't wasn't so bad. Who needs her. You NOW see the real her and what she is capable of -- and you need NO PART of that.
> ...


Yes she had her son drop off gifts, and the girls got pissed. Their whole family is usually with us for Christmas, and they know what she did, and have seen me fall apart, down 30 lbs while she is dating. Doesn't take a genius to figure out who is being honest here. They wanted to bring the gifts back, I said no. I didn't want her kids to be mad at my kids so I took the gifts into the garage where they remain unopened. Eventually they will go back or get donated. I agree, this was her acting out for her to feel good. It didn't go as planned. Then the conversation here turned to texting her. I asked them not to. My oldest most impulsive daughter says, "I just texted her leave us alone" AS we are having the discussion about impacts of your words etc. My younger daughter texted her as well, after a lot of time and consideration. I think her text had an impact. I didn't ask what she wrote, but the next day I asked if she had heard back, her reply to me was "i ended with don't ever reach out to me again" This kid has always been labeled our caring kid and was raised by her since 7, So its getting ugly now which I didn't want, but can't say she doesn't deserve it. 

As young at heart said, she is human and humans do stupid things sometimes. Some day I hope to feel the forgiveness. I say I forgive her when I am laying in bed at night, for me, but I'm fairy sure I don't believe it yet. She was very good to us all for a long time. Honestly this is so strange I do feel like she knows she is really screwing up her life, but she's in too deep. Im sure Im not the only delusional ex that thinks that but our families were real close and intertwined, kids went to school together, played sports together grew up together. Her and I both grew up in the same town, school, many common friends, and she's moving on to "hugh hefner", with the mansions, and money, he only has children in their 40s, looks like a beaten chicken, and lives most of the year several hours away. And he's 15 years older than her. I can't see it, but I can't understand much of this at all. 

other suggestions are great. Will try some of them as I can and try to get into a regular routine with what i feel is working. Happy new year I HOPE


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

crushed2x said:


> Many have read my story, it is ugly but not too rare I guess. I am struggling almost 8 weeks since D day. Quick summary SO(F52) told me the relationship was over with no warning. Yes there were some weird things going on but never suspected it. I had complete and utter faith and trust in her. She was my best friend and I'm not simply saying that. Anyone you meet would tell you how sweet, kind, warm, level headed and caring she is.
> 
> I know my relationship is over 100%
> 
> ...


Make a list of how your life is better because you got rid of her.
If you can't think of anything, it's because you made yourself dependent upon her for your happiness and it's a telltale sign that you need to work on yourself so you become who you were intended to be.


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## crushed2x (Nov 14, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> Make a list of how your life is better because you got rid of her.
> If you can't think of anything, it's because you made yourself dependent upon her for your happiness and it's a telltale sign that you need to work on yourself so you become who you were intended to be.


That is one of the first things I did. A plus and minus list. It was close but more negatives. It helped.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

so you get frustrated over your kids defending you and criticizing her ? That makes no sense. You should be proud of your kids.

Next, she is an SO, not a wife. No divorce, no nothing. Why don't you look at it like a close call that worked out in your favor by not being latched down legally ?

I think you are going about this situation all wrong.

As Jonty said, work on yourself


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

crushed2x said:


> That is one of the first things I did. A plus and minus list. It was close but more negatives. It helped.


Now make a list of areas that you might want to improve upon so you end up with a wider range of women that might go out with you.
The end of a relationship is a great time to embark on self-improvement.
You are most motivated at this stage.
Creating the opportunity to widen your opportunities will help blunt the pain you are feeling.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

First, if you are not under the care of a cardiologist, you need to get in to see one immediately. Once you know what your status is there then you can have your cardiologist work together with a psychiatrist to come up with medications that will work without messing you up. Don't just go to a regular doctor and expect them to prescribe something that will work because that's a crap shoot. 

With psychiatric drugs you often either have to adjust the dose or change meds because everyone reacts to them differently. But you simply must get your cardiologist involved first. I think that's what you need right now so you can put one foot in front of the other. You need to be diagnosed by a psychologist or psychiatrist and then get on meds for whatever that is, be it depression or anxiety or both. It will make it easier for you to function. 

One very good thing that you wrote is that you know 100% that it's over. Acceptance is sometimes the hardest part. You've already achieved acceptance. Now you just have to do what you have to do to help yourself move forward. You need heart tests to find out what exactly your heart problem is. You need to have them done by a cardiologist. But if you have another heart episode call an ambulance and go to the hospital and let them run tests there but you still need to get your own cardiologist. The sooner you do that the sooner you can get on meds. 

Very sorry you're having to go through this.


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## crushed2x (Nov 14, 2021)

wmn1 said:


> so you get frustrated over your kids defending you and criticizing her ? That makes no sense. You should be proud of your kids.
> 
> Next, she is an SO, not a wife. No divorce, no nothing. Why don't you look at it like a close call that worked out in your favor by not being latched down legally ?
> 
> ...


I was proud of my kids supporting me but I was frustrated with the fact that I asked them not to be reactive and they were. I told them I wanted them to write, and wait 24 hours to send, as that is sometimes helpful in preventing saying something you can’t take back.

I am lucky in some regards that I did not marry again and I realize that every day.

nkt sure what else you feel I’m doing wrong but I’m open to listening


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Drop the gifts back at her door and don't ring the bell either. Perhaps a short note telling her to leave your kids alone.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

crushed2x said:


> Yes she had her son drop off gifts, and the girls got pissed. Their whole family is usually with us for Christmas, and they know what she did, and have seen me fall apart, down 30 lbs while she is dating. Doesn't take a genius to figure out who is being honest here. They wanted to bring the gifts back, I said no. I didn't want her kids to be mad at my kids so I took the gifts into the garage where they remain unopened. Eventually they will go back or get donated. I agree, this was her acting out for her to feel good. It didn't go as planned. Then the conversation here turned to texting her. I asked them not to. My oldest most impulsive daughter says, "I just texted her leave us alone" AS we are having the discussion about impacts of your words etc. My younger daughter texted her as well, after a lot of time and consideration. I think her text had an impact. I didn't ask what she wrote, but the next day I asked if she had heard back, her reply to me was "i ended with don't ever reach out to me again" This kid has always been labeled our caring kid and was raised by her since 7, So its getting ugly now which I didn't want, but can't say she doesn't deserve it.
> 
> As young at heart said, she is human and humans do stupid things sometimes. Some day I hope to feel the forgiveness. I say I forgive her when I am laying in bed at night, for me, but I'm fairy sure I don't believe it yet. She was very good to us all for a long time. Honestly this is so strange I do feel like she knows she is really screwing up her life, but she's in too deep. Im sure Im not the only delusional ex that thinks that but our families were real close and intertwined, kids went to school together, played sports together grew up together. Her and I both grew up in the same town, school, many common friends, and she's moving on to "hugh hefner", with the mansions, and money, he only has children in their 40s, looks like a beaten chicken, and lives most of the year several hours away. And he's 15 years older than her. I can't see it, but I can't understand much of this at all.
> 
> other suggestions are great. Will try some of them as I can and try to get into a regular routine with what i feel is working. Happy new year I HOPE


Return the gifts to her. As this sends her and her family that her behaviour is intolerable and that your children no longer wish to have any contact with her. 

Or donate them to a cause you know she would hate. In her name. And tell her. Or is that too petty? Maybe.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Tested_by_stress said:


> Drop the gifts back at her door and don't ring the bell either. Perhaps a short note telling her to leave your kids alone.


But with the kids signing it, too.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> Return the gifts to her. As this sends her and her family that her behaviour is intolerable and that your children no longer wish to have any contact with her.
> 
> Or donate them to a cause you know she would hate. In her name. And tell her. Or is that too petty? Maybe.


OP, whatever you do with the gifts, she needs to know that the gifts were universally rejected along with the tacit approval for her actions she was seeking by gifting them.

She needs to know that you and your kids have rejected her along with her gifts because of her betrayal.

Let this be the final sentiment you and your children leave with her.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

crushed2x said:


> My struggles are that every single day is groundhog day. I wake up, if I've slept, and can't believe someone I trusted like this, *that essentially went through my divorce with me *would just ABANDON me cold turkey and never call me again.


So she was there WHILE you were getting divorced with your first wife?

two comments:
1) she kind of showed what her personality was back then. Something was not right with her being so close to you while you were technically still married.

2) you, back then, were emotionally damaged. so you might have just went after her THINKING you were in love and she was great....but only because you were not thinking straight at the time.

So....do not let history repeat itself....wait a good long time, and get your mind right, before dating again. Do not rush into a 3rd relationship at this time....

as far as getting over her....hard work does it for me! Either bury yourself in your job, or join a gym and really go/work out a LOT. Or maybe plan a bunch of trips with your kids....even with covid raging, you can still take road trips to do fun things...just stay away from overcrowded venues.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Crushedx2, you need to come to the realization that she isn’t the person you have described to us. No good person would do the things she has done.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

crushed2x said:


> That is one of the first things I did. A plus and minus list. It was close but more negatives. It helped.


Read the negatives every morning. 

Remember that she used your kids so she wouldn’t feel so guilty by sending Christmas gifts.

Have you thought about a restraining order against her? It would be a great way to expose her inner psycho *****.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Talker67 said:


> So she was there WHILE you were getting divorced with your first wife?
> 
> two comments:
> 1) she kind of showed what her personality was back then. Something was not right with her being so close to you while you were technically still married.


Are you saying it's morally wrong to get close to someone who is separated and disconnected from their spouse and emotionally finished with their marriage and in the process of ending things, but are still waiting for the government to recognize the same and dissolve the legal connection?

You believe there is still a moral obligation to remain faithful to a piece of paper when the entire relationship is over, except for a legal dissolution?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Talker67 said:


> So she was there WHILE you were getting divorced with your first wife?
> 
> two comments:
> 1) she kind of showed what her personality was back then. Something was not right with her being so close to you while you were technically still married.
> ...


Nope. There's nothing wrong with supporting someone who is going through a divorce. You are overthinking the magic of a piece of paper.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> Nope. There's nothing wrong with supporting someone who is going through a divorce. You are overthinking the magic of a piece of paper.


To my mind his marriage vows were already shattered by his ex wife the moment the adultery occurred. As long as he was not sneaking behind anyone's back, lying and deceiving, the legal dissolution of the marriage is simply the dissolution of a business registered with the government for tax and property ownership purposes. The moral and therefore actual marriage ended with her adultery.


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## georgel316000 (Nov 3, 2021)

If I were you I would return the Christmas gifts. I wouldn't want her to think that you kept the gifts if you gave them away or threw them away. I would return them to her house in a bag with no note. Note not required. Or have someone return them for you either at her current home or maybe even better at her work. Again, no note. She should get the hint.


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## NotSureAnyMore1 (Dec 8, 2021)

crushed2x said:


> Many have read my story, it is ugly but not too rare I guess. I am struggling almost 8 weeks since D day. Quick summary SO(F52) told me the relationship was over with no warning. Yes there were some weird things going on but never suspected it. I had complete and utter faith and trust in her. She was my best friend and I'm not simply saying that. Anyone you meet would tell you how sweet, kind, warm, level headed and caring she is.
> 
> I know my relationship is over 100%
> 
> ...


It is not going easy to walk away. I in my case, my partner betrayed me after 11 years of full support and empowerment, and I found it extremely difficult to walk away. But I am realizing now, it is something that must happen no matter what. So, cut her off, and work on yourself and kids. To me, my kids are my world. 

From my current experience, lies will come out sooner or later. Your partner might denies the truth now of course, but sooner or later the truth will come out.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I know you have children to take care of, but I would urge you to take a weekend to yourself and go do something that always brings you peace, something that puts things into perspective. For some travel really helps because you get away from the associations and you have to concentrate on the excitement of a new place. It reminds you how big the world is and how many options you have and that your life is not confined to this one little bubble. So maybe you go do your favorite peaceful thing in either a new location so that you get the benefit of travel and the excitement of a new surrounding or you go someplace that's not full of memories and do something you love such as fishing or hiking or boating.

During my big long depression a couple decades ago, I would get out on a river as often as possible. My primal self would take over if I was rafting on a river or exploring caves and my pain would be set aside for that time and I would just be filled with peace. You need to find something like that. It gives you a break from it. And it's you living life, as you should.


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## crushed2x (Nov 14, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> So she was there WHILE you were getting divorced with your first wife?
> 
> two comments:
> 1) she kind of showed what her personality was back then. Something was not right with her being so close to you while you were technically still married.
> ...


Yes WHILE I was getting divorced and technically still married. My divorced dragged on for three years with appeals. You are right. I didn't want anything to do with her for a while but over time that changed


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## crushed2x (Nov 14, 2021)

ABHale said:


> Crushedx2, you need to come to the realization that she isn’t the person you have described to us. No good person would do the things she has done.


I agree with this, but it is absolutely crippling to wrap my head around her doing this. Just the last person I would ever in my life guess, based on our relationship, and where we were at the time, BUT, you are absolutely correct. It sickens me, and saddens me beyond words


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## crushed2x (Nov 14, 2021)

georgel316000 said:


> If I were you I would return the Christmas gifts. I wouldn't want her to think that you kept the gifts if you gave them away or threw them away. I would return them to her house in a bag with no note. Note not required. Or have someone return them for you either at her current home or maybe even better at her work. Again, no note. She should get the hint.


I will return the gifts tomorrow. There are two cards on the top of the large box with two of my girls names on the cards. I wish one of the girls would write "no thanks cheater" on the card but I don't want to encourage or direct them to feel or write, but it would be nice to have her son see the "cheater" reference because I am SURE he doesn't know, and NEVER will. He's 24


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

crushed2x said:


> I will return the gifts tomorrow. There are two cards on the top of the large box with two of my girls names on the cards. I wish one of the girls would write "no thanks cheater" on the card but I don't want to encourage or direct them to feel or write, but it would be nice to have her son see the "cheater" reference because I am SURE he doesn't know, and NEVER will. He's 24


I don’t think returning the gifts is a good idea. Your daughters already let her know how they felt about receiving them. The point has been made. You are just opening the door for drama and contact which will not help your healing at all.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Sucks but this just takes time. My XW cheating still bothers me, but it is much duller than it was at the beginning, like where you are now.
And, like you, this was my second bout with it.
You really seem to be struggling with believing and accepting that your GF was always this way, and was an excellent actress for quite sometime.
Just keep reminding yourself of what she did in her first marriage. I cannot overemphasize how cruel that was. How many standard deviations from normal.
Isn't t she amazing that she was such a practiced actress, that she convinced you that having an affair with her husband's cousin and then moving him in with her young kids was just a mistake( it went on for 10 years!).
And now, you know she has kept the $30,000 ring you gave her to signify commitment, as well as her having accepted all the financial help you gave her to upgrade her house.
It is no coincidence that this old geezer( my age) she has latched onto is filthy rich.
If your friend gave you details like this about a woman he was involved with, you would recognize the type he was with easily.
There is no real magic to getting through this. It will change you. It dulls over time but it affects one's ability to trust and relax again, for sure.
Sounds like you have great kids. Mine are, too and that really helps.
Travel some,,vacation. I just got a dog. Really helps.


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## crushed2x (Nov 14, 2021)

I can and eill


Megaforce said:


> Sucks but this just takes time. My XW cheating still bothers me, but it is much duller than it was at the beginning, like where you are now.
> And, like you, this was my second bout with it.
> You really seem to be struggling with believing and accepting that your GF was always this way, and was an excellent actress for quite sometime.
> Just keep reminding yourself of what she did in her first marriage. I cannot overemphasize how cruel that was. How many standard deviations from normal.
> ...


I can and will get over her although it will nkt be easy. So much invested and I am not a quitter, nor do I take losing very well. I like to fix problems not run from them and this won’t allow any of this. So it’s counter to who I am and have always been.

that being said- I can’t relax at all. I feel like my heart is constantly about to explode. This is something I need to address and I’m nkt sure how to, but I don’t want to have a heart attack on her behalf while she’s having the time of her life dating. I’m sure this will always hurt like you said. I just need to get it to manageable. The instantaneous cutoff from all contact with her is what hurts the most like I didn’t matter. Don’t matter, and it’s all my fault. I hate that Inever got the exit interview. I needed it


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Yes, well read up on borderline and narcissists. This is just standard operating procedure. They just paint you bnb lack and discard. Be wary of future overtures if/ when this old guy either catches on to her or she has no more use for him.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

This is not a " problem" to fix. You have run into a master actress/ manipulator. To an outsider, it is obvious what she is. You are just too close to see her. " Quitting" , in this case, is the only option that allows you to survive. Look at how decimated she left her ex. Imagine the collateral damage she was more than willing to inflict on their kids and the whole extended family( this was a cousin- ****ing incredible). Whole family unit must have been damaged by these two sociopaths.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

crushed2x said:


> I can and will get over her although it will nkt be easy. So much invested and I am not a quitter, nor do I take losing very well. I like to fix problems not run from them and this won’t allow any of this. So it’s counter to who I am and have always been.
> 
> that being said- I can’t relax at all. I feel like my heart is constantly about to explode. This is something I need to address and I’m nkt sure how to, but I don’t want to have a heart attack on her behalf while she’s having the time of her life dating. I’m sure this will always hurt like you said. I just need to get it to manageable. The instantaneous cutoff from all contact with her is what hurts the most like I didn’t matter. Don’t matter, and it’s all my fault. I hate that Inever got the exit interview. I needed it


The exit interview is just a form of closure. If you feel that closure would help you recover, do some research on narcissists, users and takers in relationships, as it sounds like she definitely falls into that dynamic. They don't even do a lot of what they do consciously, and couldn't explain it if you asked them.

For me, closure took the form of accepting that I would not get the answers directly from the source. My ex's standard answer to all my questions of why did you do that or why are you doing this to me was just a repetition of various forms of "I don't know." I had stop overanalyzing the situation and just move my energy on to implementing solutions to the problems of suddenly being single.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

edited - as my original response misread the original post.


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## crushed2x (Nov 14, 2021)

I’m looking for therapy suggestions more than anything. I am having ptsd type symptoms every night. I wake up several times a night and can’t breathe and have rapid and pounding heart. It’s awful and I don’t control it nor can I get it to stop at all.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Is your GP any help? Does he or she have suggestions? Maybe start there.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

crushed2x said:


> I’m looking for therapy suggestions more than anything. I am having ptsd type symptoms every night. I wake up several times a night and can’t breathe and have rapid and pounding heart. It’s awful and I don’t control it nor can I get it to stop at all.


See if electrotherapy is in your area 









Relieving PTSD Symptoms | Cranial Electrotherapy Stimulation | CES Ultra


Military personnel experience PTSD symptoms (e.g., sleeplessness) from trauma faced in the line of duty often go many years without seeking treatment.



www.cesultra.com


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## crushed2x (Nov 14, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> See if electrotherapy is in your area
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I will look into it. I am going to try hypnotherapy and possibly EMDR but this is unreal. I feel like I’m going to have a severe heart attack or a stroke. It’s scary and I don’t know how to control it. I can’t


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

crushed2x said:


> I will look into it. I am going to try hypnotherapy and possibly EMDR but this is unreal. I feel like I’m going to have a severe heart attack or a stroke. It’s scary and I don’t know how to control it. I can’t


I understand. All I can suggest is focus on building an enjoyable life and it should help blunt some of your trauma


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## Killi (May 12, 2021)

crushed2x said:


> I’m looking for therapy suggestions more than anything. I am having ptsd type symptoms every night. I wake up several times a night and can’t breathe and have rapid and pounding heart. It’s awful and I don’t control it nor can I get it to stop at all.


Its hard to give advice because these things are different from person to person so the I can only advice to get help from a professional.


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## Mr Jim (10 mo ago)

I don't have any advice on therapies except when I'm anxious or feeling off, exercise always helps. I feel for you, Brother, because my wife of 34 years slapped me with papers after an argument out of nowhere. I feel as if anti-depressants played a large part. 

I know its difficult but keep your mind occupied on other things. Positive things. Goal orientated. The betrayal that is felt is not going to go away overnight. I've come to that reality. What I'm having difficulty with is thinking that this type of betrayal is within everyone. It makes me question what was real and what is real and how to trust again. 

Hang in there- Don't let her or anyone define you. You did nothing wrong.


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