# Sports, trusting a coach



## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Baseball season is here. MY 9yo starts practice next week. This is his 3rd year. I'm new to this sports stuff. I am more involved than his dad, due to work schedule.

His 1st coach was somewhat competitive, and fun.
2nd coach fun, but not at all competitive, didn't teach him much
AllStar coach win win win, very competitve.

Me and that AllStar coach had a few talks. He would push my son, I thought a little to hard. In the long run it made son a better player.

Problem: How far do you trust a coach with your kid? Are there signs to watch for that makes a coach a bad coach? How do I know when to back off, and allow my son to endure, to be persistant, to be better. 

I don't want to enter another ball season fuming at another coach. I have to get this under control, if there is such a thing, because I know my son will play sports. There will always be coaches to deal with.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Jock Dad here. I was a jock, my sibs were all jocks, my kids are all jocks..... Also I did some coaching too.

Attend as many practices as you can, not just games. Look for more encouragement than criticism.

Set the example as the parent and encourage as much as possible.

When they do poorly empathize and help them find ways to improve.

Watch for profanity and any physical roughness from the coach.

Make sure you understand the rules of the game so you can better judge performance. It is much easier to accept a coach riding your kid when you have enough knowledge to see the errors for yourself.

Watch the child's attitude. At 9 he should both understand the competitiveness of the game but should still be having fun. If he doesn't think its fun anymore he may not continue.

Winning is not everything. I've seen my kids grow and learn more during seasons where they never won a game vs. seasons where they went to the championship. A good coach will bring that out in them.

Finally I am a firm believer in keeping kids involved in extracurricular activities. Whether it's sports, music, drama, debate, chess, martial arts, math club... They are all important in building discipline and a healthy respect for both team work and competition. They all require more time from the parent but we've reaped more than we've sown.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i am an expert . 3 kids, all in select sports. 

we fully research coaches and teams before getting involved with them. even in recreational leagues. ask around and take note of what you see during this season in preperation for next. if your kid is good, you have leverage, good coaches will want them.

do not over protect your kids, let them experience the good and the bad. let them fail a little, learn from their mistakes. see how they can push themselves. give em some rope to become independent. i see way too many parents "up on the fence" shouting instructions and actually making their kids afraid to make mistakes. back off and let em grow.

work with them away from practice, if you know how. do not accept poor effort (not to be confused with performance). we always talk to our kids when they are not respectful to the coaches with their attitude or lack of hustle and effort. this is a lesson in preparing for life, not just sports.

reward successes and teach from failures. 

coaches are human, but have to be held accountable. i have had MANY discussions with coaches, some even quite heated but warranted. always cool off prior to talking with them if possible, and dont call them out in front of others, do it privately.

i could ramble on this subject all day


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

amp and i appear to be on the same page


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Got it thanks guys. I am on the right track.


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## NavyBuckeye (Feb 23, 2011)

4sure,

I am a coach and I have three boys all playing sports. The oldest is autistic and not very athletic. The middle son is an all star in football and lacrosse, average in basketball. And the third is too young to judge anything. 

I only state the previous to give a background. I am a head coach in football and lacrosse. I am sought out by parents to coach their kids in football: very knowledgeable and I played semi-pro. Lacrosse I just learned but I have fun coaching it.

You need to be comfortable with the coach and that is all. It truthfully comes down to what you want your son to get out of it. You already mentioned a few types of coaches and those types can expanded.

I always have a meeting with my parents on the first day of practice during the first warm up (I have my assistant coaches do the warm ups). I explain that I am a competitive coach and that I do want to win but not at the cost of fun. I also tell them I expect more from the older players and especially the returning all stars. I also tell them I don't expect new or younger players to be all-stars (although some do surprise you). I also let them know I coach to the ability of the player (and it is my responsibility as a coach to recognize the differences in players). I ask them not to interfere during a game or during practice but to do so after. I also tell them they are free to ask any question but to be prepared for the truth because I won't sugar coat anything. I let them know that my assistants are on the same page and that no matter what league rules are we will not play a kid (football is dangerous to players who can't get it) if they pose a risk to themselves or their teammates. I also tell them the better players will get more time than those who are not good or are just learning but more than likely every player will play more than the league required min time. In practice I am stern and expect respect and I punish when respect is not given to the coaches (it only takes a few laps early on in the season to fix this) and I tell the parents I expect full effort regardless of ability. And I tell them "I can't" from a player is a cuss word and will be dealt with accordingly...they usually laugh at that.

Your coach should give you a meeting, tell you what he expects and then field questions on what the parents expect from him. And he should be coaching to each kids ability (which means each kid is coached different). That is what you should expect.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

Fellow jockette here. Married to a jock who plays semi-professionally. 

The first thing I want to tell you is to know the league your son is currently registered in. The definition of competitive varies wildly. We have competitive soccer teams for kids here that are straight farm teams for the MLS. The coaches of MLS teams have been known to make an appearance at tournaments once a year. Those are competitive CLUBS. We also have competitive teams in which the coach is a former jock/dad. Most have had very little formal coach training. (1 4 hour course.) Don't be shy to ask his credentials. The approach a club coach has is very different than a rec or even competitive coach.

Also, don't panic if you DO see more criticism than encouragement TOWARDS SPECIFIC PLAYERS. That approach can't be universal, but kids respond differently and a good coach will know which kids he needs to be fluffy and hard with. (Hard is relative to age of course.) I need the tough love approach. I can't stand the "you'll get em next time, tiger!" approach and my coach knows if I was too slow on the ball (or whatever) to approach it harshly. "Did you eat too much McDonald's? THis is what happens when you're too lazy to attend a training practice." Then I'll run until I puke, lol. Hopefully, you know the best approach for your son and see if hte coach is lining up with it.

Don't be scared of the tough love, that's all I'm saying. Responding and dishing out the fluff is EASY. That's for the basic kids. The ones with real potential need something more. When my husband was in high school he was tiny (late growth spurt, lol) and his high school coach told him straight up he'd never be fast enough to play for the club teams. My husband said F that and he worked his butt off. He has a rep of being one of the fastest players on a club team, . It did crush him for a year, though. He didn't play with anyone just trained in private.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

okeydokie said:


> i am an expert . 3 kids, all in select sports.
> 
> we fully research coaches and teams before getting involved with them. even in recreational leagues. ask around and take note of what you see during this season in preperation for next. if your kid is good, you have leverage, good coaches will want them.
> 
> ...


This is true, but it depends HOW good. A little good with potential won't cut it where I'm at. THe talent pool is HUGE here. Politics and donating of money is usually what helps, lol. But in most areas, yes, a good player has mroe leverage.


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## MarriedAHooker (Sep 20, 2017)

UnicornCupcake said:


> Fellow jockette here. Married to a jock who plays semi-professionally.
> 
> The first thing I want to tell you is to know the league your son is currently registered in. The definition of competitive varies wildly. We have competitive soccer teams for kids here that are straight farm teams for the MLS. The coaches of MLS teams have been known to make an appearance at tournaments once a year. Those are competitive CLUBS. We also have competitive teams in which the coach is a former jock/dad. Most have had very little formal coach training. (1 4 hour course.) Don't be shy to ask his credentials. The approach a club coach has is very different than a rec or even competitive coach.
> 
> ...


let me guess, you're in an abusive relationship? :surprise:


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I am a coach. I see lots of other coaches.

Never trust anyone past a point with your child. There are lots of bad coaches, a few horrible coaches, a few dangerous coaches. There are even a tiny number of good coaches.
Coaching is extremely difficult and inct dinky stressful until a certain level of experience is reached. 
Watch your kids. If they're not happy, that's a bad sign. If they are improving constantly, obviously a good sign.
No coach is perfect, of course. 
Rarely do coaches and parents see things the same way. Watch for signs of a good coach, such as patience, compassion for his players, a positive attitude, and how they handle referees. 
If they mistreat referees, there's a good chance they will mistreat others, I.e. Your kids.
If the coach has kids of their own, watch their kids and see if they're confident, well-rounded, happy people. If not, keep your child off that coach's team.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

Our boys play travel and recreational sports, and both on All-Star teams with my husband coaching. When he wasn't the head coach, he was always participating and attended nearly all practices.

One thing to keep in mind is that some All-Star teams are location-dependent, so your child may not have the opportunity to try out for another team if they're interested in Little League All-Stars, for example. So, even if you disagree with the coaching style, if your child loves baseball, there isn't much you can do (other than choose to opt out of Little League). 

We've never had an issue with a coach, though we've known families on the same team who did. One way we've avoided (I think) is by setting our kids up for success by making sure they're always well-prepared (lots of ball toss, whiffle ball fun, etc. during the off times, plenty of rest and no sleepovers prior to games/tournaments), they really WANT to play the chosen sport before committing, and attending all practices early. Our boys have always had excellent feedback from coaches, and we have always heard that they are highly "coachable." This gives them positive feedback and helps them build strong relationships with their coaches and team.

We never criticize the coaches in front of our kids, we prioritize their involvement, and we participate. We also stress sportsmanship- this goes a long way in setting them up for a positive experience on any team, we've noticed. We haven't had a single complaint about any team from either boy, and our oldest is almost 14. He's had some VERY competitive coaching that required a TON of hardwork and discipline, and not one word of complaint. He's always dressed and ready to go far earlier than required to get to practice 15 min early. Our younger son, while not quite as disciplined with time, is very similar, and he's a totally different personality type. 

I really do think it's the team mentality my husband has demonstrated for our family that has made all the difference in their success on every team, including highly competitive, and local recreational.


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## bbrad (May 30, 2012)

Is your son happy? That is all that matters! I've coached college athletes and special olympics. The most fun I have is when the kids are having fun.


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