# Am I insecure or jealous of my husband?



## klohr82 (Dec 17, 2009)

My husband and I have only been together since the end of July and married since the beginning of November. We've been having alot of problems that began not long after we got married. He has alot of friends that are girls and he still constantly is in contact with them. I can understand with one of them, since she's the mother of his baby girl, but why the rest of them? I've voiced my opinion about them, most of whom are ex's, but he tells me that they're only friends. When I first met him, he told me about them, but it didn't bother me at that time. 
I've asked him why he still talks to them and all he can say is they're just friends and that's it. I sometimes wonder why guys keep in contact with females, whether it be friends or ex's. When we met, I let all my male friends know I was with someone and I left it at that. I don't actively send text messages to them trying to see how they're doing, if they send me anything I reply and that's it. Yet, my husband talks to them while he's at work and doesn't let me know. When I asked him about this, he said I have nothing to worry about and they're his friends. Now he's changed the password on his phone, and started deleting all his messages before he gets home and I feel he's trying to hide something. Am I wrong to have confronted him about this? And why do I keep nagging him about it?
Something else that is bothering me is what's going on with his daughter. I'm all for having his baby girl come and live with us, if he gets full custody. At the moment, it's just the two of us, yet he's been depressed lately since he can't see her when he wants to, since we live out of state. This is also affecting us, being he's more worried about her than his own wife. He's told me that his daughter comes first and always will and that I don't understand how he's feeling to be away from his baby. Yes, I don't fully understand the pain, but I wouldn't let that come in between my relationship with the one I love. I'm trying to be there for him the best that I can, but sometimes he won't talk to me about it and share his thoughts and emotions like he used to. I don't feel he's emotionally connected to me anymore. 

Can someone please give me some advice on what I should or shouldn't do or say. We're at a really rocky point and may not be together because of some of my actions and things I've said. I don't have many friends that I can talk to about this, and when I try to talk to my husband, all we do is fight. I'm tired of fighting, but I don't want to lose someone I love so much.

Thank you and God bless you.


----------



## klohr82 (Dec 17, 2009)

I'd also like to add that I've been nagging him about these issues alot. We live with my father, right now, and I feel like we really don't talk about things when he's around. When we're alone, he chooses to watch t.v. or play on the computer. He works alot, so when he comes home all he wants to do is relax, but doesn't really want to spend quality time with me anymore. I try to talk to him about how his day was or tell him about mine, and he just ignores me, like I'm not even there. I don't feel the love from him like I used to.
Because of this distance that's coming between us, I said something I shouldn't have when we were out to dinner one night. Our sex life is diminishing, so while in the middle of dinner, I asked, "Are you getting it from somewhere else?" He said NO and that he would never cheat on me and now he thinks I don't trust him. Well, I would never have asked that if he would have sex with me more. It seems we only do it when he wants to. And when I want it and he doesn't, all he gives me is some excuse. And then when he's hiding everything like emails or things on his phone..what am I supposed to think? I could've just not said anything, but I thought we could openly communicate about anything and everything that we were feeling, but apparently not. He says I broke his heart when I said what I said and doesn't know if he really even loves me anymore. He says I'm always in a crappy mood and who would want to come home to that? I've been down about myself for a few months now with being unemployed and still living at my dad's. We had planned on moving into our own place in October, but I lost my job so that got put on hold. We also are living with one paycheck and only one vehicle. It's been hard and will continue to be until I get back to work. We still haven't even mailed in our marriage license because of this. 
He says that if this kind of behavior continues then we don't need to be together because he's not happy anymore. He only stays because he's married to me and has a little hope that we can work things out. He's always known that I have some jealousy issues, but said we can work on them, but its just escalated and getting worse. I want to change and be the person I was when we first met, just not sure how. Did I possibly just put on a front in order to be with him, and then change after he moved in and became this total pyscho? I've tried to figure out what's wrong with myself mentally or anything traumatic that happened in the past, yet I'm coming up empty. I don't know what else to do..should I just give up and quit torturing the both of us?


----------



## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

You married someone with a pretty big past, and his past is becoming enough of a problem for you that it is now getting in the way of your present.

On the occasions that I have been away from my son, I would not call it pain, I would call it emptiness. Your H knows he needs to keep a huge space inside him for his daughter. When she is not there, it is just a vacuum. You cannot fill that space, so you really cannot help him with that (other than by understanding).

Asking anyone to understand the burden of having a child is asking a lot. I hate bringing right/wrong into any marriage issue, but I think it is very reasonable that your husband trade his current solo relaxation hobbies for two person hobbies that he can do with you. So much of him is never going to be there for you, since it involves his daughter, with what is left you should certainly have a pretty high priority.

With respect to the big list of Ex-GFs, lots of people like to be friends that way. He should certainly make time for you, and that probably means that there will be little time to spend with friends. The general consensus about opposite gender friends is "no problem, as long as I am invited also." If he wants to go out with his female friends, you need to feel welcome to come along.

"Guy guys" who have only male friends tend to have affairs more often than "girl guys", so don't worry too much about that stuff. He needs to make room for you. Keep the equation simple. Jealousy has nothing to do with it. He is your husband, he has big commitments with his daughter and work, so what is left really needs to be for you.

Keep it simple.

Good luck.


----------



## angcakes35 (Dec 3, 2009)

I can so sympathize with you! I am going through the same drama in a way.. My husband and I have only been married just over a year and I too have noticed the same changes... Our sex life has been less and less and again like you said, only when he wants it. He plays on alot of muscle forums and I started to notice him getting AIM messages, then would minimize things if I walked into the room or log off his computer. Then I got laid off and things went down hill from there....He said I changed because I would nag him constantly about money, was he cheating, never gave him any space..etc...We ended up having a huge fight in which I found out he was indeed having an online emotional affair with this girl... Needless to say we are in the process of working things out but here is my advice to you... and again this is just what I am doing..

I told him the emails and messages had to stop. I have all his passwords and at anytime I can "check up" on him..works both ways he has all of mine.. Trust is an important issue and without it a marriage does not work.. Secondly, give him some breathing room... I felt soo depressed when I was laid off, I did not realize the emotional stress I instantly put on him.. Now he was the sole provider for our family and everything was on his shoulders...So talk to your husband..Communication is key! Lastly try to do things together that you both enjoy to bring back those feelings that you had in the beginning. I try to tease him, send him sexy texts while he is at work or even in the other room, leave out sexy nighties on the bed so he has some clue what I am thinking... and most of all get a hobby...when I got married I cut off alot of my friends because I put my hubby first. Not saying that is a bad thing but you have to have time for yourself as well.. being unemployed and down to 1 car makes things hard but you have to find you time.. I started reading more, my house is always clean (lol) and when my husband comes home from work I try to go do something for me..even if it is a drive to get me out of the house.. Just be patient, take things one day at a time...and try try try to talk to him.


----------

