# Almost At A Breaking Point!



## alaflybaby (Oct 14, 2009)

My DH and I have been married for just over 11 years. I was madly in love when I married him. We met when I was 19 and he was 31, and married when I was 20 and he was 32. We married roughly 9 months after we met, and when we married I moved 800 miles away from family and everything in the world that was remotely familiar to me. Shortly after marriage (about a couple months or so), we began to have screaming matches and slamming doors. I hid it all from everyone. There was no way that I could admit to everyone that my "new" marriage was not doing well. Since then, we have had 3 children, and we have done nothing but argue. It has been physical. He has been verbally, physically, and emotionally abusive to me. I will admit that I have hit him back when he has hit me, but he is 235lbs/6'1" and I am 100lbs/4'11". When I hit it is generally out of defense and revenge. I have to also admit to everyone (so you know I am being truthful) I did lie to him about the number of guys I had "been with" before marriage. However, I just found out a year ago, that he has a possible son that he knew about and failed to tell me. He calls me a b***h frequently when we argue. He demeans me, and puts me down. He never feels he is wrong and will never TRULY apologize about anything. He has drug me down the hall by my arm when I failed to answer a question, and talks down to me constantly. I don't feel loved or supported by any means. Another HUGE problem for me is I am afraid to leave because he has ALWAYS told me that if I did he'd get the kids because I have no way to support them since I am a SAHM with nothing higher than a High School Diploma and no work history. He began telling me that within the first year of marriage. I don't feel very much feeling for him anymore. I love him as the father of my children, but not romantically so much anymore. Not sure what to do or where to go. Have been to my pastor and my pastor has told me he has never seen a marriage so one-sided before. He has been praying for us constantly, and I speak with him frequently about this. My next step is a marriage counselor. I guess I should try EVERYTHING before I make any moves. Would love ANY advice that anyone could give. Thanks so much! Take Care, and God Bless!


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

i hope i don't understand what you mean when you say you should try 'everything' before you leave.

your husband demeans you

he physically assaults you

he verbally abuses you

what is there to try?

why do you chose this as your life?

ok you want advice:

stop choosing this as your life

run away from a man who hurts you

you need to understand why you ended up in such a sad and dangerous situation

:bounce::corkysm60::bounce::corkysm60:
:fish::flowerkitty::fish::flowerkitty:


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

call a women's hotline, privately. good luck.


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## alaflybaby (Oct 14, 2009)

Thanks to both of you for your responses. Part of my problem is that I know he will do everything in his power to take my kids away from me. It is on very rare occasions that he hits me. The last bad incident was over a year ago when he slapped me down and my daughter saw it. However, he demeans me on a regular basis. I am hoping the counselor sees this. I don't have proof of the physical abuse because I never called the authorities when it happened. My pastor knows about the one occasion but again he never saw the bruises. I just called him after it happened. I am afraid the courts won't believe me. I can't support my kids on my own and he will use that against me. I have always been a Stay At Home Mom. So, I just feel kind of stuck!


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## Tray (Oct 14, 2009)

I was in a relationship like yours and all I can say is the best thing you can do for yourself and your kids is get away from him. Let your family know whats going on ( I know its not an easy thing to do) they can help you. Its not good for your kids to witness whats going on in your house. It will be the hardest thing you'll probably ever do but you have to do it. You deserve a better life then the one your living.


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## alaflybaby (Oct 14, 2009)

A few of my family members know what is going on. Just not my mom and dad! They know a little but not that he was physical. They have seen him demean me. He does it in front of people. It's embarrassing to me. I have friends that know everything, and my pastor knows everything. He is an amazing father (almost to a fault), and is wonderful to the kids. I actually feel more like an egg donor, incubator, nanny, and maid more than a wife. I sometimes feel that he just wanted someone to give him kids and now he's done with me. When we were arguing about his possible son, I told him he was letting the mother of this kid get in the middle of our marriage, and I was tired of it. I called her a b***h out of anger. He told me not to talk about the mother of his son that way, yet I have birth 3 kids with him and he calls me that frequently when we argue.


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## Otter88 (Oct 7, 2009)

Would you want your daughter to be treated like this? 

Well, she will be if you keep setting the example for her as to how a woman is to expect to be treated. You are allowing your children to live an abusive life with you. 

He isn't going to take your kids, because without you he'd have to take care of them.

Find a safe house. 
*It is full of fresh air, sunshine, and room to breathe. 
*
Go.


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## alaflybaby (Oct 14, 2009)

He'd get his mom to move close, and take care of them. In fact, she'd do it without being asked. I do know that the SC Alimony Laws do favor heavily in my direction. But I'd have to be separated from him for a year before I could even think about that. So I have a year I'd have to try to support them by myself with no skills and just a high school diploma. I just feel so freaking stuck sometimes, ya know??


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Okay, I do agree with everyone about getting out with the kids, you have to do this. Especially if he gets physical EVER. Doesn't matter if he only "rarely" hits you. You can't have your kids around that. Talk to a lawyer and see 1) can you get temp child support if get the kids and move out 2) what alimony you would be allotted to get, if any and 3) ask your husband if he wants this to end too. You never know, he may just want it done and over and you two can agree on things. He may want the kids but that is for the courts to decide. If he does hit you again, you need to make damn sure that you don't hit him back and that you call the police. I am sure your parents would help you any way they could honey. Best of luck.


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## alaflybaby (Oct 14, 2009)

I do need to find a way to go see a lawyer without him knowing it. All of my family is out of town and so is his. So no one close by to REALLY rely on. I wish he were the type to agree to joint custody because I'd do that in a heartbeat. I'd beg for the divorce if he'd do that, ya know?? I know it sounds like I don't love him, but I do. I use to be "in love" with him, but now (because of circumstances) I think I only love him because he is the father of my children. Does that make sense?? You are correct, my parents would do anything in their power to help me. My problem right now, is that I can't prove the physical abuse. I never called the authorities. I sometimes think that if I could trigger him again, and make sure I called the police immediately, that would be my way out. I know, it's a stupid plan but the only one I see right now. I thought also, if I could get him to admit to a licensed therapist that he hit me and left bruises, that might help me. They have to record stuff, and if they are subpoenaed they have to testify honestly. Just a thought!


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## laughsalot (Sep 29, 2009)

You have one excuse after another for not leaving. There are programs everywhere for women in your situation but you have to want to make a change that bad. You are showing your children that what he is doing is ok and that it is the way men treat women. That in itself is abuse. You are messing your kids up fer life.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

The answer is never to fight so you can TRY to get him to hit you. That won't solve anything other than you getting hit again. Not the way to go.
You need a lawyer and you need to get you and those kids out. You have been married 11 years, something tells me that you will be entitled to some alimony, even if it is only for a short amount of time. Start getting a plan together and get out of there. 
Custody of the kids is a whole other animal, but talk with your parents and see if you and the kids can stay there so you can get on your feet. I don't think they will mind at all, and they may even look forward to spending more time with the kids. Get a plan and get out honey.


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## kris_fla (Oct 18, 2009)

my first priority would be my children, depending on what state you reside in and if you had the right mind to document, make police reports, take pics of bruises...etc...then there is not a court in the land that will grant him full custody under any circumstances.

It's all about control. He knows how to push your buttons and get you to go along w/his wants. He most likely married you b/c of your young age, and how it made him feel being so much older than you, men are so stupid....He is also not wanting to part w/any of his "hard earned money".

I would rather disappear, live in a trailer park under an assumed name on welfare than subject my kids or myself to that BS. You sound like a little fireball, I'm confused as to why you would put up w/that. Go buy and watch "sleeping with the enemy" over and over. Get out! It' not like you don't already know this. Tell your kids you are about to embark on a wondrous adventure and split. As long as he doesn't have to pay child support, he won't even bother to report you all missing. I would set him up, split, find a way to make it work...there are always ways for women in abused marriages, people ARE out there to help you. Let the dust settle, see if he files or reports you gone (that will answer a lot) then sue his ass for Alimony and child supp. and bring up the fact that he didn't care where you or his kids were when he didn't have to pay....that will blow his chances of getting full custody out of the water. 

Just know, it has nothing to do w/the kids, it has everything to do w/money and control.


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## alaflybaby (Oct 14, 2009)

With him it is all about the kids actually. He is a wonderful father to a "fault". He's too good, and would everything he had to to get them from me. He wouldn't report me missing, he would report that the kids were and I abducted them (as if that's even possible since I am their mother). He loves the kids far more than me, and would do what he had to to get them. NO DOUBT ABOUT THAT AT ALL! I sometimes think he married me to have kids, and that is all I was to him. An egg donor, incubator, maid, and nanny.


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## kris_fla (Oct 18, 2009)

if you are truly being abused, who cares what kind of father he is, make the calls and get out. your children may be angry at first but they will settle and understand and most likely agree that you did the right thing.


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## alaflybaby (Oct 14, 2009)

What I mean is, he is going to use all that against me in court to get the kids from me. I can't prove the abuse other than a few family members, friends, and my pastor knowing about it. He seems to have himself covered. Every time we argue he logs everything in his e-mail. Of course it all fits his OWN description of what happened. His ex-wife and I have become close long distance friends because she knows exactly what I am going through with him. She's been there. I just don't know how to do it. I am scared to try.


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## kris_fla (Oct 18, 2009)

there is no being scared...do it, if you are that close to his ex, she is the perfect person for you to stay with, is there a halfway house near her? Your pastor knows?? That's like your attorney knowing, next best thing! You have his ex and your pastor, what are YOU worried about! Get your friends and family to donate some cash, don't tell the kids, get in touch w/an organization that deals w/abused women (a lot of them have people who donate money) set it up, pack small bags, keep them at another location (the church), they get home from school, you take them out for milk, done deal. Someone in your circle...knows someone who doesn't know you or your hubby, that can let you squat for a couple of weeks why you get help...you have children, being scared isn't in your vocabulary....protective mother is.


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## alaflybaby (Oct 14, 2009)

I just made an appointment with my pastor to talk with him Tuesday. I told him that I feel like (even though my hubby and I aren't arguing right now) I am a my breaking point. I told him that I would like to know from a biblical perspective how to do it biblically, and when it would be okay in God's eyes to say enough is enough. Ya know?? I feel like if my hubby and I can separate, and be good parents for the kids even though we aren't together then the kids will have the best of both of us. At least then they won't be seeing us argue all the time. Am I right??


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

If he would do ANYTHING to keep his kids, then he could kill you. It happens. So my advice to you is to call a women's hotline even though you don't "feel" like it's at that level. We all have an idea of what an "abused woman" looks like and what an "abuser" looks like, and those ideas never match our own lives. But, you don't have to fit some stereotype to need the kind of help that those services can offer. You have a man that could potentially hurt you if you tried to leave. That's why I suggest talking to a woman's abuse hotline before even a lawyer ... they can't make you leave, so you lose nothing and have tons of information to gain. Call them for information on how other women in your position go about handling this kind of marriage (for example, how to convince him to go to counseling) or leaving this kind of marriage (how to stay safe and keep your kids with you, how to document what he's like to use in the custody case down the road).

By the way, you may be completely wrong about how much he'd go after the kids if you left. Men that emotionally abuse their wives use the threat of taking the children as a way to manipulate her into staying (and not even thinking about leaving). He knows that's how to mess with your head. If you actually left and took the kids, you may be surprised to see that he doesn't really try that hard for them.

By the way, that you say he's such a great dad comes from your warped sense of reality given the life you have been living. A man that is a good father does not demean or slap his children's mother. EVER. Any good things he may do for those children becomes canceled the moment he teaches his daughter that it's okay for her husband to slap her around some day, or teaches his son (do you have a son?) that it's okay to beat on a girl some day. Not to mention the horribly stress children experience in a household where there's fighting all the time. You said he doesn't hit you that often and it's been only a year. Well, my parents had two physical fights their whole marriage (tons of verbal ones) ... I remember every detail as if it happened yesterday and they affected me a lot. Please don't minimize the "occasional" physical abuse ... it may not be that much too you, but ANY physical abuse in the home is more than any child should have to handle.

I know that you are in the less dominant position in your relationship - but you have a responsibility to your children to not let them live in an abusive household (verbal, emotional or physical). You do not have the right to make excuses based on fear to avoid doing what is best for them and protecting their future from the same fate as yours. They deserve every chance to grow up knowing what it's like to be loved by a partner ... and love does not include demeaning or hitting or dragging or whatever many other things he's done to you (even if he is perfectly nice other times).

There's welfare and all sorts of emergency services for women precisely in your position. There's alimony and child support. There's community college and trade school to learn some skills. There's cleaning toilets somewhere. You do what you need to do to make the right life for your kids. Let go of the excuses. Find factual information. Do it SAFELY. Get the help of someone else.

((((hug)))))


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## alaflybaby (Oct 14, 2009)

You are right, when I say anything, that could include ANYTHING I guess. I KNOW that he would try all he could to take my kids because he tried to get his ex-wife's kids away from her, and they weren't even his. He does it out of hate and anger. He was trying to get their real father to take custody away from her because he was mad. He wrote letters to people telling them how horrible she was (including her grandparents), he tried to clean out the bank and got mad with her when she took out money to pay last months bills before the finally split. He can be mean and vindictive. His thing is writing letters or calling people to talk about you and make others think you are horrible. Like with me, he'll probably call the WHOLE church and others that I have sang at and tell them that I have had the occasional drink with the girls (some of them from my church) when we go out to eat for girls night. He's very big on the husband has the final say thing. He takes the submissive part LITERALLY at times. So, I can't wait to get in on Tuesday with my pastor and ask him how to handle things biblically. Sorry, I've rambled on too much!


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I do think its a good idea to see your pastor, but I don't think that he is going to tell you that its not okay to leave your husband who abuses you. He is going to tell you to get the number for the shelter and get you and those kids outta there. At least I hope he does. No where does it say a wife should be submissive. Love, honor and cherish each other is what should be happening and he is doing none of those. Best of luck with the pastor and keep me posted on what happens honey!!


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## alaflybaby (Oct 14, 2009)

I am so ready to talk to my pastor. I believe that if my husband were being a "true" spiritual leader in our household I should submit to a degree, but not to the degree that he takes it to. Ya know??? I hope I can get somewhere with my pastor on Tuesday. I'll keep you all informed, DawnD! Thanks so much for everything. I really do appreciate it.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

It's great that you have your pastor to talk to, but honestly, you've already been talking to him and I don't hear anything but sympathy is coming from him. More than sympathy, you need clarity and a plan.

Did you read my post? Please re-read it.


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## alaflybaby (Oct 14, 2009)

I am looking into courses in Medical Transcription or Web Design so that I can work at home and still be there for my kids. That way I am technically employed but there for the kids as well. Hopefully that will be the beginning of my way out.


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## joevn (Oct 23, 2009)

almost? You should be outta there today.


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## alaflybaby (Oct 14, 2009)

Joevn, I can't just take off without a way to take care of my children. My husband will do whatever he feels is necessary to take them from me. I have to play my cards just so.


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## joevn (Oct 23, 2009)

Coming from a ****ty family background growing up, all I can tell you is you do the kids no favor by staying in a toxic environment. Best wishes to you and I hope you find a way out (I mean it in the most sincere, compassionate way).


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## alaflybaby (Oct 14, 2009)

I totally understand what you are saying Joevn! But, I have to be able to get out with my kids. I can't have him taking my kids. I have to get my ducks in a row so I can keep my kids.


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