# I ruined Christmas and her birthday



## Snow Fighter (Jul 19, 2018)

I ruined Christmas because I got her exactly what she asked for. An insanely expensive part for her car. That cleaned out what I had a budget for. Her body language told me that she was highly unimpressed, even though I got her exactly what she wanted. Not even a "thank you" or a show of gratitude. I'm used to it so I shrug it off. I install the part the next day, told her that her car now has cruise. Still no "thank you."

Her birthday was yesterday. She asked for a tire for her car since the back ones are completely shot. I found a separate issue with why her car won't run right. Spent all the time diagnosing it, and ordered a new electronic throttle control so it'll run right.

I told her that I got her a part that will fix the engine problems. She flips the hell out. "The last few Christmases have SUCKED and so have my birthdays!! I DON'T WANT ANY MORE CAR PARTS!!!!" But I don't know why you're so upset. A tire is a car part and so is the electronic throttle control, difference is, you don't need tires if it doesn't run.

I got her EXACTLY what she wanted for Christmas. I was going to save her about $300 in labor from what a mechanic charges. "But that's not what I wanted!!"

So I'm pretty angry, mostly because I've done a ton of work on this car and not even a single thank you. Only thing that comes to mind this is toddler stuff. So I announce that since my work is not appreciated or the things I buy you, I'm putting your car back together and parking it outside. You can pay a mechanic to do all this because I'm tired of putting my needs on the back burner for someone who doesn't appreciate $hit.

I cancelled the throttle body. Isnthis what's called tough love? Maybe if I quit going above and beyond this will quit?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So how many hours a week do you and your wife spend in quality time, just you and her and no one else?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Why are you with someone who is so ungrateful? I get that when it comes to gifts, we all want something fun, but when your car isn't working, to have it taken care of is a true gift!


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Snow Fighter said:


> I ruined Christmas because I got her exactly what she asked for. An insanely expensive part for her car. That cleaned out what I had a budget for. Her body language told me that she was highly unimpressed, even though I got her exactly what she wanted. Not even a "thank you" or a show of gratitude. I'm used to it so I shrug it off. I install the part the next day, told her that her car now has cruise. Still no "thank you."
> 
> Her birthday was yesterday. She asked for a tire for her car since the back ones are completely shot. I found a separate issue with why her car won't run right. Spent all the time diagnosing it, and ordered a new electronic throttle control so it'll run right.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry dude, car parts needed or not are not a gift. It may appear to be thoughtful on your part but it is really a maintenance and or mechanical problem that should be resolved like any other problem with the vehicle...any time but not when it is a "gift" for Christmas or otherwise.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Did she specifically ask for the car part for a Christmas gift? Or did she just mention it was something she wanted and you got it for Christmas?

If it’s the latter, then sorry, it was not really a good gift. It’s just an item related to household improvements.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sell the car parts. They buy her something else.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> I'm sorry dude, car parts needed or not are not a gift. It may appear to be thoughtful on your part but it is really a maintenance and or mechanical problem that should be resolved like any other problem with the vehicle...any time but not when it is a "gift" for Christmas or otherwise.


Yep. You can do this but it's a risk, takes a very practical person to appreciate it. I still might hedge my bets by getting a fun gift too, albeit a small one. 

I am assuming you are married right? Does she work? If she does let me make a suggestion to you. Set up a budget for things like car-parts that you both pay into. If you make more money then her then you can figure out how to do that equitably whether it's 60-40, maybe she pays for her car you pay for yours or whatever but make it so you both feel the pain. This will teach her some of the pain that is required when you have to do this maintenance. At that point maybe she will be more receptive to that type of gift. Is she never pays for her car stuff anyway then she is NEVER going to get it. 

By the way this is another reason why I don't believe in any big part of the marriage where one party sacrifices and the other doesn't. It just always breads entitlement. Money, Work, Time, Maintenance, House, Cars, Kids, if you do it together, both sacrificing then you both have an investment in it. 

For now on Christmas I would get her a fun gift, which could also be less expensive. If at that point she is not grateful then maybe it's time to move on. 

We get it that you were trying to be thoughtful but she is telling you she is not the thoughtful gift receiving type of person.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

I think both of you have a serious problem with communication. 

Your wife was wrong for flipping out like that, and not telling you what she really wanted. At the same time, you should realize that no one is going to be excited about receiving car repairs for Christmas or a birthday. Yes, it might be practical, but it's not romantic, fun, or any kind of gift you proudly tell other people you received. Similarly, you can't expect a child to be happy to get socks or a savings bond for Christmas. I'm guessing your wife was hoping you wouldn't take her so literally, or at least you would do something extra other than fixing her car.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

To be sure, purchasing the car parts and repairing the car under the guise of gifts is really just killing two birds with one stone IMO.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Next time, repair the car and when you show your W how well its running let her find a fun gift on the front seat.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

To the OP, when you say you got her exactly what she asked for, is there more to the story? I am a logical person, and if you got her exactly what she asked for, and she is acting like this, it’s in her. If you just decided to gift her because she needed it, I learned that women like fun gifts and not things they need. 

I remember the first year I married, we didn’t have a vacuum cleaner, so I got my wife one for Christmas. She was nice about it at the time, but she revealed years later that it wasn’t much of a gift. 

Men do come by it honestly, because we love tools and things we can use as gifts. Get us a screwdriver set or something for our workshop, and we are on cloud nine.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Yeswecan said:


> I'm sorry dude, car parts needed or not are not a gift. It may appear to be thoughtful on your part but it is really a maintenance and or mechanical problem that should be resolved like any other problem with the vehicle...any time but not when it is a "gift" for Christmas or otherwise.


Yah, I'm going to have to agree with this. Even if she asked for this for Christmas, you have to be a bit more thoughtful and perceptive. My wife ask for stuff every year that she would just get for herself otherwise. So I pay attention to what she is window shopping for, things she wants but probably wouldn't buy for herself, for my wife that would be stuff like designer handbags or shoes or things of that sort. Giving what is essentially a necessity that would be handled if Christmas didn't exist, is going to get you the reaction you got from your wife eventually. 

It took me some years to figure it out but it sound like your wife is like mine, she isn't going to ask for what she would really like to get for Christmas.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I think it depends on is this is a wife, or just a girlfriend. And if you share finances. If this is a girlfriend, and you do not share finances and a joint life, then these are huge actual gifts.

If she is your wife, the car stuff could be considered doing things for your joint life together and not so much actual gifts.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Since you said you got her exactly what she asked for, what was the problem? When I specifically ask for something practical, and I get it, I'm thrilled. Did you want you to get her the very expensive car part and something else too?


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Did she specifically ask for these things for her gifts? If not, you failed. If so, she's a brat.

I think I might be in the minority here. I love utilitarian gifts. If I want/need tires, kitchen appliances, a Dyson vacuum, car repairs (you FIXED her car??!!! Swoooon) and I receive those I would think you hung the moon. You wouldn't be able to walk for a week.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

I disagree with this completely. It doesn't matter if she's your girlfriend or wife. A woman's needs aren't dependent on that kind of status in your life. And besides, a girlfriend considers the relationship just as valuable to her as if you and she were married. You can't expect her to accept you showing her she's less valuable just because you haven't put a ring on it.

You need to first come down off your high horse and stop thinking and acting like you are the woefully underappreciated Mr. Wonderful. Because you're not. And besides, you don't specify to us whether she asked for those things as Christmas and birthday gifts or whether you conveniently claim she did. The question is if she intended them to be. Did you ask her?

A woman doesn't want car parts and repairs presented to her as gift for Christmas or birthday. She needs you to do those things but out of concern. As gifts, she needs you to be more thoughtful out of love to show her you value her. What is going on in your head to think that any woman would actually enjoy telling others that "My boyfriend (or husband) fixed my car for Christmas." And then the same thing again for her birthday too??? I find it hard to believe you don't know these things.

A car needs parts and maintenance at almost any time throughout the year. If it were October when she asked for a tire, would you have waited til Christmas or her birthday to buy it just so you could call it a gift? Did you wait til these special occasions just so you could save some money and then claim you did them in order to save HER the money? You sound like you're the ungrateful one that she didn't fall for it.

I understand if you don't have the money to do both the necessary things and the thoughtful things. But if you can afford to do both, then you should be doing both instead of making it seem like your miserly selfishness and inconsideration are so gloriously magnanimous.

If you truly cannot afford to do both the necessary and the thoughtful things, then adjust your attitude, sit your girl down, and let her know what you can and cannot afford to do. Let her know you would have liked to buy her something more meaningful but since she asked for cruise control and needed other car repairs, then those had to take the place of other types of gifts. Of course, if she knows you actually can afford to do both, then that will come off as very lame, so I advise you not to insult her intelligence just to insist that she should be grateful no matter what you do.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

southbound said:


> To the OP, when you say you got her exactly what she asked for, is there more to the story? I am a logical person, and if you got her exactly what she asked for, and she is acting like this, it’s in her. If you just decided to gift her because she needed it, I learned that women like fun gifts and not things they need.
> 
> I remember the first year I married, we didn’t have a vacuum cleaner, so I got my wife one for Christmas. She was nice about it at the time, but she revealed years later that it wasn’t much of a gift.
> 
> Men do come by it honestly, because we love tools and things we can use as gifts. Get us a screwdriver set or something for our workshop, and we are on cloud nine.


I think they see it exactly like if you have a kitchen sink where the are corroding and you get them some new pvc pipe. I mean that's nice and all but it's no Christmas gift. 

I think if you are a car guy like me and your car is you baby then something for your car is great but if not then it's just like the pvc pipe.


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## Snow Fighter (Jul 19, 2018)

Some of you act like you know me on a personal level, like you've lived with me for the past 10 years. That's all the response I'm going to give to those.

I have been married to her for 6 years. Ok so I'll go into depth about my original post. She initially gave me Christmas gift ideas back in October. Around Thanksgiving after I diagnosed why the cruise won't work, airbag light dings, and why the radio was doing strange things, she requested that I buy this part since its so expensive as a Christmas present. I tore the steering column down and put the part in. The summary of this event is she REQUESTED this for Christmas, and I obliged. 

Her birthday is New Years. When I was fixing a prior issue the weekend before Christmas, I noticed her back tires had steel belting protruding out of the tire. This is extremely hazardous. I mentioned this to her and she wanted a tire for her birthday. I repeat, she said she wanted a tire. I took her car out for a test drive to verify the cruise was working and the car started running terribly. I spent a couple days doing research on the interwebs and testing to narrow down what the issue was. It ended up being the throttle position sensor which is part of the throttle body. It will not run correctly without it. So I made an executive decision to order a throttle body for her birthday and install it. This by far was much better than a tire because she wouldn't have to have it towed to a shop, and the mechanic's time to install the part and do the relearn process for the car. It could get expensive really quickly but I have the ability to do all of this. When I mentioned that the throttle body was bad on her car and that I had ordered a replacement for her birthday given the reasons above, she made the statement of "every Christmas and birthday gets ruined and she doesn't a car part for her birthday."

I run on logic as well. A tire is a car part which she was ok with, a throttle body so it would at least run right, is also a car part. This is like saying strawberries are a fruit but watermelon is not. Doesn't compute. 

She bought this car with a salvaged title even though I told her that a salvage title vehicle was a definite no go. This car has been a prime example of that. She cannot afford a mechanic and everything that's broke has been a major repair item. Often times I don't even ask to be repaid for parts that I buy. 

Very seldom do I even get a thank you. What happened after Christmas was the straw that broke the camel's back for me when she not only complained about the gift I bought that she asked for, and then spent hours trying to figure out why the engine kept stalling. Her continuous ungrateful attitude caused me to say to hell with it, put the car back together, and pull it out of my garage. I'm not about to drop $200 on a car part and then buy her a rolex when I've spent countless hours working on this thing and not one expression of gratitude, to me this just screams "I'm a doormat." I refuse to be taken advantage of. Maybe after she has to pay to have it towed, what the mechanic is going to charge, and the mark up for parts, maybe she'll be more appreciative.

So I remember another question someone asked. Yes, she does work, its supposed to be full time but her employer doesn't have an absentee policy and she misses an abundance of work. I am responsible for the mortgage and the utilities. I have offered to help with a budget but yet again I'm accused of being critical and judgemental, so I quit. 

So do review, for Christmas, she asked for a car part, I got the exact part from the dealer and installed. For her birthday, she asked for a tire, I got her one better and ordered a new throttle body since any monkey can mount a tire for $20, the throttle body was going to be around $400 if a mechanic gets involved. She made the statement that I've ruined the past few Christmases and birthdays. I found this to be extremely ungrateful and I cancelled the order for the throttle body. 

Hope I covered all the questions, and no, I'm not going to eat the cost of the throttle body and buy her a $2500 tennis bracelet to redeem myself. That's what doormats do.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Listen, please do not get defensive... People are trying to help. 

Please understand this, women, sorry ladies... women say **** that they don't mean, and mean **** that they don't say. That is the way that it is. 

I am a shade tree mechanic as well, do you think my ex ever appreciated the work that I did on the cars to save money, and keep her car running, not a chance. She thought that all men, know how to rebuild a motor, fix the brakes, or whatever. That is just what men do, right? 

Man, when our first kid came, even being collage educated, I was swinging a hammer, for a living. 

Hell, the wheel bearing totally flaked out, on her Camaro, and we live in an apartment. I had to actually use a cold steel chisel to get the welded wheel bearing off, so I could save the hub, and put a new spindle on. A spindle that I got from a junk yard, thank you very much. Do you think she understood why it took me an entire day to fix that car, not a chance.

So, just so you know now, women do not like appliances or car parts form Christmas. 

Now, what I don't understand, is why, you are so worried what your wife thinks about anything, when you are actually looking for a good mattress for the spare bedroom, so that can be a sanctuary for you so you CAN GET AWAY FROM YOUR WIFE. 

A wife that you don't even think loves you, a wife you want to get away from. 

Why are you killing yourself to make this woman happy? Why is that?

Dude, ask yourself, is this the way that I want to spend my life? Trying to love a woman, that I want to run away from. Do you think that is a sane, healthy way to live your life....


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

BluesPower said:


> Please understand this, women, sorry ladies... women say **** that they don't mean, and mean **** that they don't say. That is the way that it is.


Truth. So many women do this and it frustrates the hell out of me too - and I'm a woman lol! Say what you mean and mean what you say. Simple concept I know. Ugh.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

One can't appreciate what they don't know. I grew up with a brother who constantly worked on his cars. I knew what goes into maintaining a car. My husband could put gas in, air in the tires and check the fluids - that was it. It didn't bother me one bit. Your wife doesn't understand the gifts you are truly bestowing. But, she will when she has to pay for the repairs or she has an accident riding around in an unsafe vehicle. Making sure your wife has a safe ride is a very loving thing to do.

She bought the car against advice so leave her to it.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Sounds to me like she's just expressing frustration with her car. Also sounds like your ego got clipped. Much ado about nothing and it was pretty childish to react the way you did by returning parts and the car back to its flawed condition. And frankly, I don't understand your rationale regarding the tires. Tires showing belts are indeed dangerous and should have been taken care of in addition to the throttle control. Given your latest post, you had the car running in top notch condition...on tires that had steel belts showing through the tread. That makes sense to you?

What's really going on here? This Christmas/Birthday gift thing sounds like just a symptom of deeper problems. You two are obviously frustrated with each other on some level.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Snow Fighter If my wife asks me for a practical gift, she says thank you when I get it for her.

If your wife asks you for a practical gift, and berates you for getting it, then I would guess that the problem is not with you, the problem is with your wife.

How many times has she pulled this kind of stunt on you?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BigToe said:


> Sounds to me like she's just expressing frustration with her car. Also sounds like your ego got clipped. Much ado about nothing and it was pretty childish to react the way you did by returning parts and the car back to its flawed condition. And frankly, I don't understand your rationale regarding the tires. Tires showing belts are indeed dangerous and should have been taken care of in addition to the throttle control. Given your latest post, you had the car running in top notch condition...on tires that had steel belts showing through the tread. That makes sense to you?
> 
> What's really going on here? This Christmas/Birthday gift thing sounds like just a symptom of deeper problems. You two are obviously frustrated with each other on some level.


But @Snow Fighter advised her not to get the vehicle, but she went ahead and got it against his advice.

Or is that a part of the problem?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

frusdil said:


> Truth. So many women do this and it frustrates the hell out of me too - and I'm a woman lol! Say what you mean and mean what you say. Simple concept I know. Ugh.


Hallelujah,a woman that gets it.
I have explained to many women in my life that mind reading is not a talent I possess.
If I ask you do you want something to eat with your coffee a simple yes or no will suffice.Dont say no and then eat half of my food.
If we’re on a date and you didn’t like the restaurant I booked just tell me,I can take it.Don’t be passive aggressive,muttering why do we always come here.
As for the car parts.She is extremely ungrateful and unappreciative of his work on her car.But he should have bought her a small gift for “under the tree” it wouldn’t have killed him and would have prevented all this kerfuffle.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Snow Fighter said:


> Some of you act like you know me on a personal level, like you've lived with me for the past 10 years. That's all the response I'm going to give to those.
> 
> I have been married to her for 6 years. Ok so I'll go into depth about my original post. She initially gave me Christmas gift ideas back in October. Around Thanksgiving after I diagnosed why the cruise won't work, airbag light dings, and why the radio was doing strange things, she requested that I buy this part since its so expensive as a Christmas present. I tore the steering column down and put the part in. The summary of this event is she REQUESTED this for Christmas, and I obliged.
> 
> ...


I think you missed a few things in some of the responses that rubbed you the wrong way. First this is not a situation where someone is right and someone is wrong. This is an age old problem, women says she wants the practical thing she needs as a gift when really she wants something that is not practical, she wants a something she wants not something she needs. 

This is why she said what she said, she's not right but it is what it is. You could have done the car fixes because she needs it and then just got her a small thing like a gift certificate for a manicure or a massage something smaller like a cozy pair of slippers, and told here you couldn't do a bigger gift because the car parts were so expensive it ate up a lot of the budget. 

Should she be more appreciative, obviously yes, should she just be more clear in what she wants for a present, yes there are probably a large number of men that would love that from their wives. Lets be honest, and I say this with all do respect to women everywhere, to stay happily married as a man it is very helpful to develop the ability to read minds. Women like to get what they want without having to ask. Many women feel if their husbands really knew them they would know certain things like what to do on Christmas. 

There seems to be much more going on here with your relationship, it sounds like you are very resentful of her attitude and contribution. It also sounds like theres a communication breakdown or a lack of desire for simple direct communication on both sides. What you need to absorb here is simple, you're not wrong for being annoyed and angry with her response to your efforts, but if you had written what your plans for a couple weeks ago we could have told you exactly what was going to happen. We've all been there.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Snow Fighter said:


> Hope I covered all the questions, and no, I'm not going to eat the cost of the throttle body and buy her a $2500 tennis bracelet to redeem myself. That's what doormats do.


No one advised on a $2500.00 tennis bracelet. Getting ones W a gift makes the H a doormat? What was advised was repairing the car and add in a fun gift. At the end of the day flowers go a long way. At least in my relationship. 

If you received socks for Christmas and that was all how would you feel? If you received socks and a new wrench set you knew nothing about, I'm betting you would feel a whole lot better. 

I'm sorry you did not receive the accolades you were hoping for with repairing the W car. Yes, perhaps she should learn some appreciation. Other than fixing a car, what appreciation do you show for your W?


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> But @Snow Fighter advised her not to get the vehicle, but she went ahead and got it against his advice.
> 
> Or is that a part of the problem?


I know there will be disagreement over this but you can't be a cohesive team if you are playing with separate finances. This issue demonstrates a problem with that scenario...it's her money so she'll buy what she wants. He fixes the car but doesn't feel appreciated so he takes the parts out, gets HIS money back, forcing her to bring it to a mechanic and pay for repairs with HER money, theoretically to appreciate him more.

This is nonsense. Game playing. Not conducive to building a strong relationship. Hence my comment that there's more going on within it than car parts and bruised egos.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Snow Fighter said:


> I ruined Christmas because I got her exactly what she asked for. An insanely expensive part for her car. That cleaned out what I had a budget for. Her body language told me that she was highly unimpressed, even though I got her exactly what she wanted. Not even a "thank you" or a show of gratitude. I'm used to it so I shrug it off. I install the part the next day, told her that her car now has cruise. Still no "thank you."
> 
> Her birthday was yesterday. She asked for a tire for her car since the back ones are completely shot. I found a separate issue with why her car won't run right. Spent all the time diagnosing it, and ordered a new electronic throttle control so it'll run right.
> 
> ...


Oh man o man,

You fell for the I want this, for kitchen (or car!) (insert utilitarian item for household here) gift request trap.

Forgive me, are you a young man? 

This doesn't mean you did wrong. She shouldn't have put you in that spot, either. If she young?

Many men, me included, have done just what you did, early in our marriages or in a semi ltr when we're young. 

The rule to stay away from utility style gifts for Christmas and birthdays even if she tells you that's what she wants. Now, this is for the most part.

There are sometimes it is ok, and indeed there is a bell curve on this as the ltr ages, but even then it's better to get "that" and another gift.

The experience thing kicks in, in your judgment of when it's better to do what, later in life.

The safe thing is to not do it. 

But again, she should be more adult and not put you in this position, so it's not really your fault. 

Some would say it's a woman thing, some would say it's immature women's thing, but is your fault because you fell for it. It is or can be a reality. Some women don't play this game, some do in varying degrees while saying they don't. 

It's not uncommon. Don't feel bad. Not being a smart butt, but I laughed a bit. Not at you, but with you. 

I got my share of vacuums and new stoves for dear W early on, while learning this lesson. Many, many other men same.

Clear as mud? It doesn't get better, but if she is a good SO in this ltr, she'll get over it without making you pay more emotionally and fiscally.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Andy1001 said:


> Hallelujah,a woman that gets it.
> I have explained to many women in my life that mind reading is not a talent I possess.
> If I ask you do you want something to eat with your coffee a simple yes or no will suffice.Dont say no and then eat half of my food.
> If we’re on a date and you didn’t like the restaurant I booked just tell me,I can take it.Don’t be passive aggressive,muttering why do we always come here.
> As for the car parts.She is extremely ungrateful and unappreciative of his work on her car.But he should have bought her a small gift for “under the tree” it wouldn’t have killed him and would have prevented all this kerfuffle.


My wife said "Because you paid for xxxx (a very major house purchase for her) she said I don't want a Christmas present."

But I bought her some presents anyway.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

BigToe said:


> I know there will be disagreement over this but you can't be a cohesive team if you are playing with separate finances. This issue demonstrates a problem with that scenario...it's her money so she'll buy what she wants. He fixes the car but doesn't feel appreciated so he takes the parts out, gets HIS money back, forcing her to bring it to a mechanic and pay for repairs with HER money, theoretically to appreciate him more.
> 
> This is nonsense. Game playing. Not conducive to building a strong relationship. Hence my comment that there's more going on within it than car parts and bruised egos.


Agree 100% once you're married its all ours not hers and mine. Same for retirement and others major financial items, you're not saving for your retirement, you're saving for our retirement. This kind mine and hers of attitude just doesn't seem to work in the long run.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

MattMatt said:


> My wife said "Because you paid for xxxx (a very major house purchase for her) she said I don't want a Christmas present."
> 
> But I bought her some presents anyway.


Because you are not that stupid... 

Here is one for misunderstands between men and woman...

Driving, in GF's car. She says "I don't know where my insurance card is..." 

I say, "Well I am sure that one is at the house." 

She says, "But I don't have it with me..." 

I say, "It will be fine." And at this point I still have no idea what we are even talking about

30 seconds later... "How fast are you driving"....... Whaaaat? WTF???? 

I guess I am suppose to understand that her questions about her insurance card MEAN that I am driving too fast... 

SMFH....

It is like a whole other language.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I see that you blew off my question: "So how many hours a week do you and your wife spend in quality time, just you and her and no one else? "

It's not irrelevant. What's clear from your posts is that the love and passion are dead in your marriage. The question is meant to further gage that. Your blowing it off only confirms this.

Yea, she needed some things for the car. It's great that you took the time to work on her car and spent the money to fix it. But that was not YOUR money. That's marrital income.. it belong to both of you.

If you want to fix your very broken marriage, there are two books that will show you who to do this: "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Read them in that order and do the work that they say to do. Then after you read them, ask her to read them with you and do the work with you.

What she did was a love buster for you... you thought you were helping her out and doing what she asked of you and even more. 

And what you did was a love buster to her. She saw you do what she asked for, but you make all about how you are doing her a favor because you spent YOUR money and YOUR time. But you put zero time into giving her a romantic gift that says "I am passionately in love with you." All this did was to prove to her that you don't even see the two of you as a whole, as one entity. 

Neither of you is wrong.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Someone needs to design and app for this. Like google translate. Input: It's beautiful outside today. Result: We (You) need to clean the garage and basement.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

The best gifts are simple, cheap, hand made, and given from the heart. If you give a gift like that and it isn't appreciated, you know you are with the wrong person. Giving her the car parts wasn't a mistake. Not giving her something special and personal was the mistake. As many have said above, it sounds like you and your wife are tragically bad communicators.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

happyhusband0005 said:


> Someone needs to design and app for this. Like google translate. Input: It's beautiful outside today. Result: We (You) need to clean the garage and basement.


My girlfriend told me her dream was to get married in a castle so I arranged it as a surprise.
The day was a disaster,she didn’t even have one bounce.
At Christmas I asked her to be clear what she wanted as a present.She said something with diamonds would be nice.
I got her a deck of cards.
Still she was not happy!


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Snow Fighter said:


> I ruined Christmas because I got her exactly what she asked for. An insanely expensive part for her car. That cleaned out what I had a budget for. Her body language told me that she was highly unimpressed, even though I got her exactly what she wanted. Not even a "thank you" or a show of gratitude. I'm used to it so I shrug it off. I install the part the next day, told her that her car now has cruise. Still no "thank you."
> 
> Her birthday was yesterday. She asked for a tire for her car since the back ones are completely shot. I found a separate issue with why her car won't run right. Spent all the time diagnosing it, and ordered a new electronic throttle control so it'll run right.
> 
> ...



I couldn’t figure out: are you her boyfriend or her car mechanic? Why do you keep getting her car parts?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

She wanted the car parts and tires just cause....She wanted the tennis bracelet for X-mas, and 2 dozen roses for her birthday....Duh. 

But since you are the MAN and she is the WOMAN, you need to step back and assess your responses to her...For your sanity and hers.

You can calmly discuss finances to be used during the year and what everything costs and entails. Including labor, travel, time and investment...

Then you need to put the champagne taste back on the beer budget. Get the car working. Get the bills paid. You both need to SEE what is costs. Then during holidays, you go for the cheaper ear rings. And a cute card. Birthday you get a large bouquet of mixed flowers, and some of her favorite dessert.

But, if she cannot or will not see what you bring to her table as your time and energy as well as resources, then you need to think about what you really want out of this....


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

But obviously you did NOT get her exactly what she wanted because she complained about it. Did she say "I want that car part for Christmas." ??? If not, why do you think that is exactly what she wanted?

Is she always a *****y ingrate, or is it possible you got her what you wanted to get her? 

If she is not always a *****y ingrate, I am thinking this is her problem: She wanted the car part and she wanted the car fixed. However, in her mind, that's your role to do regardless because you're her man. So with or without "Christmas" you would have done that for her. (Would you have?)

If you would have done it anyhow, then you didn't actually get her anything *for Christmas* or *for her birthday* and she is understandably hurt.

On the other hand, if she actually said "What I really want for Christmas this year is to get that throttle (or whatever) on my car fixed!" and then she acted like she did, well, in that case, um... good luck, you can't cure crazy...






Snow Fighter said:


> I ruined Christmas because I got her exactly what she asked for. An insanely expensive part for her car. That cleaned out what I had a budget for. Her body language told me that she was highly unimpressed, even though I got her exactly what she wanted. Not even a "thank you" or a show of gratitude. I'm used to it so I shrug it off. I install the part the next day, told her that her car now has cruise. Still no "thank you."
> 
> Her birthday was yesterday. She asked for a tire for her car since the back ones are completely shot. I found a separate issue with why her car won't run right. Spent all the time diagnosing it, and ordered a new electronic throttle control so it'll run right.
> 
> ...


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Could you tell us this @Snow Fighter.
What did she buy you for Christmas.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

FalCod said:


> The best gifts are simple, cheap, hand made, and given from the heart. /QUOTE]
> 
> Truth.
> 
> My husband gave me a beautiful ring for Christmas, I absolutely love it. You know what I love most about the gift though? And what I will cherish for the rest of my life? The card that came with it. What he wrote inside and how much it means to me can never have a price put on it.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Andy1001 said:


> Could you tell us this @Snow Fighter.
> What did she buy you for Christmas.


This is what I would like to know as well. On the surface this seems like an ungrateful woman but would like to know more about how Christmas went and what you got.

I was married to a woman like this. Asked for something then was passive aggressive about not mind reading what she really wanted. My GF now is beyond grateful for EVERYTHING I get or do for her. Easy for me to say which is easier to love and respect.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

No one has even considered that maybe money is tight for them and it was car parts OR useless thoughtful gift. Useless thoughtful gift equals car parked until there is enough extra money to fix it. 
I can't say I really blame him for yanking out the parts and bailing on the repair. Sounds like she may need a real-world lesson in how much a mechanic's labor is worth.

I would love to hear what she got you for Christmas.


As far as separate finances being impossible in a marriage. That's bull****. My wife and I have been together thirty years and do it that way. I guess it depends on the husband and wife involved. What a novel concept.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

You're someone who needs to read the Five Love Languages. (surprisingly car parts is not one). I can understand a mistake once, but a second time is a little hard to figure out. I'd buy her something nice, bring some flowers, and apologize. Then if she needs some parts, help her as part of the relationship, but not as a separate gift. 

I'd say this one is 75% on you for getting the wrong gift and 25% on her. The 1/4 is that to have a good marriage one needs some flexibility. I do not particularly like clothes, shop for them a limited amount, but realize my wife thinks I need some things and buys them for birthdays or holidays and I accept that.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Bobby5000 said:


> You're someone who needs to read the Five Love Languages. (surprisingly car parts is not one). I can understand a mistake once, but a second time is a little hard to figure out. I'd buy her something nice, bring some flowers, and apologize. Then if she needs some parts, help her as part of the relationship, but not as a separate gift.
> 
> I'd say this one is 75% on you for getting the wrong gift and 25% on her. The 1/4 is that to have a good marriage one needs some flexibility. I do not particularly like clothes, shop for them a limited amount, but realize my wife thinks I need some things and buys them for birthdays or holidays and I accept that.


But if someone says "buy me an xxxxx for Christmas" and the spouse buys them the xxxxx and the spouse then gets all bent out of shape because they got the exact gift they wanted, how does THAT work? How CAN that work?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

When first married, I always wanted something for the house as a gift. My husband would be reluctant to buy, say a vacuum, because it wasn't personal. But, the item in question would make my life easier and I would really look forward to the gift and be appreciative.

People who play stupid games win stupid prizes.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Since you've already installed those parts, you just cant pull them and take them back to the parts store for a discounted refund!

Having said that, Hell would absolutely freeze over before I'd reward her unappreciativeness with any kind of a gift!

You're not a mind reader, but you did make a damned good effort of trying to find out what she needed!

To hell with her attitude!*


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Snow Fighter said:


> Some of you act like you know me on a personal level, like you've lived with me for the past 10 years. That's all the response I'm going to give to those.
> 
> I have been married to her for 6 years. Ok so I'll go into depth about my original post. She initially gave me Christmas gift ideas back in October. Around Thanksgiving after I diagnosed why the cruise won't work, airbag light dings, and why the radio was doing strange things, she requested that I buy this part since its so expensive as a Christmas present. I tore the steering column down and put the part in. The summary of this event is she REQUESTED this for Christmas, and I obliged.
> 
> ...



I’m sorry but tbh your marriage will end up in the pits because frankly you have the understanding and empathy of a goat. Women may say they want cars fixed etc but they don’t, they want to treated with some love and caring. As the head of the household you should be sorting out all those things anyway and not looking for brownie points, that’s what good husbands do. Presents don’t have to be expensive only thoughtful. Perhaps considering you eat meals at home most days, she should buy you a cook book so she prepare good nosh, how would you like that as a gift, or a nice grass trimmer etc? 
In addition stop being defensive it’s not getting you anywhere. You lack understanding of the female psyche.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

aine said:


> I’m sorry but tbh your marriage will end up in the pits because frankly you have the understanding and empathy of a goat. Women may say they want cars fixed etc but they don’t, they want to treated with some love and caring. As the head of the household you should be sorting out all those things anyway and not looking for brownie points, that’s what good husbands do. Presents don’t have to be expensive only thoughtful. Perhaps considering you eat meals at home most days, she should buy you a cook book so she prepare good nosh, how would you like that as a gift, or a nice grass trimmer etc?
> In addition stop being defensive it’s not getting you anywhere. You lack understanding of the female psyche.


And apparently he lacks mind reading capabilities as well.

Charles Xavier he most definitely is not.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

aine said:


> I’m sorry but tbh your marriage will end up in the pits because frankly you have the understanding and empathy of a goat. *Women may say they want cars fixed etc but they don’t, they want to treated with some love and caring.* As the head of the household you should be sorting out all those things anyway and not looking for brownie points, that’s what good husbands do. Presents don’t have to be expensive only thoughtful. Perhaps considering you eat meals at home most days, she should buy you a cook book so she prepare good nosh, how would you like that as a gift, or a nice grass trimmer etc?
> In addition stop being defensive it’s not getting you anywhere. You lack understanding of the female psyche.


 Here's a novel concept. why don't you crazy birds actually mean what you say. It would make things MUCH easier in every facet of life for all involved. :grin2::surprise:0


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

aine said:


> I’m sorry but tbh your marriage will end up in the pits because frankly you have the understanding and empathy of a goat. Women may say they want cars fixed etc but they don’t, they want to treated with some love and caring. As the head of the household you should be sorting out all those things anyway and not looking for brownie points, that’s what good husbands do. Presents don’t have to be expensive only thoughtful. Perhaps considering you eat meals at home most days, she should buy you a cook book so she prepare good nosh, how would you like that as a gift, or a nice grass trimmer etc?
> In addition stop being defensive it’s not getting you anywhere. You lack understanding of the female psyche.


Unless this is your spouse, saying one thing but _secretly_ meaning another might not get you the results you desire. 









Some of us older guys with a few miles on the clock know that the desired practical gift needs to be backed up with a little something extra, but that comes with years of experience.


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## PigglyWiggly (May 1, 2018)

aine said:


> I’m sorry but tbh your marriage will end up in the pits because frankly you have the understanding and empathy of a goat. *Women may say they want cars fixed etc but they don’t, they want to treated with some love and caring*. As the head of the household you should be sorting out all those things anyway and not looking for brownie points, that’s what good husbands do. Presents don’t have to be expensive only thoughtful. Perhaps considering you eat meals at home most days, she should buy you a cook book so she prepare good nosh, how would you like that as a gift, or a nice grass trimmer etc?
> In addition stop being defensive it’s not getting you anywhere. You lack understanding of the female psyche.


I don't think it is helpful to imply that women are liars. If a woman asks for a car part, it is loving and caring to give her that.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

"

I don't think it is helpful to imply that women are liars. If a woman asks for a car part, it is loving and caring to give her that."
Exactly. If you tell your husband you want X, and you really wanted Y, you don't get to pitch a fit when your husband gets you X. That is 100% on you.


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