# Should I go back? Please help!



## AmandaC

Hi All,

I am Amanda and I desperately need your help. Kindly read my complete letter, it maybe long but kindly go through it.This is a confidential e-mail, I request you not publish this reply. 

I have been raised in a conservative catholic family with high values. I have been married twice. The first marriage was an arranged one and it ended in divorce in just 6 months. I do not want to talk about my first marriage, but it wasn't my fault.I am from a very conservative country. Society here doesn't respect women who are divorcees.

This is about my second marriage:
Due to some family obligations I had to get married the second time. I met my current husband on a matrimonial website. He was unmarried then, He was abroad at that time. We dated for 2 years on the net but he didn't come to see me in my country. I had to go to that country so that he could see me. We were in a live-in relationship after I went there for 2 years but still he never committed.

Slowly, he started telling me that he was not sure of me and that if I wasn't a divorcee it would have been better. He used to doubt on me all the time and I used to give him all my money as I was working there. I was always loyal to him, still he used to fight with me and never take me out anywhere, not even for a walk.

I used to feel that because he doesn't trust me and hasn't committed he is doing all the things mentioned above. 

I returned from abroad after my visa got over and was in my home country for 2 years waiting for him, but he still didn't commit and moreover used to always doubt on me.

I broke all the relationship with him as my parents were looking for a guy for me, but at that time somehow he got my contact no, and said that he will marry me. I was very reluctant initially but he insisted that he will keep me happy. I agreed. We got married.

From the very night of the marriage he started doubting on me again, I was so sad, I didn't know what to do, I couldn't say this to my parents as they would be completely shattered.  I somehow continued.

I went to his country, again he never used to take me out and always doubt on me and never let me go anywhere. I was very sad. Its been almost 3 years now, 2 years i have just spent like a slave working for him and also giving him all my money. In the meantime, I was frustrated and made a chat friend (intimate relationship) whom i used to share everything with, my husband got to know about that and he sent me back to my country. I am here now since one year independent and earning.

Now, he wants me back. I am just very confused should i go back coz i was the one guilty of making that chat friend or should I stay here and divorce him?

A few days later..... I am a very religious person and believe in God. I know my husband is not good. However, when I told him that I will leave him he now says that he will agree to all my terms If I come back. He doesn't have anyone to take care of him apart from me.

I am very scared if I leave him, am I doing something against the will of God? If so, then its better that I go back.
I am not confident on him, but now if he is agreeing to all my terms, is it worth giving it a try?

I am having sleepless nights about this and I want to take a decision soon now.


Could you please advice me/help me. 

I would be very very grateful

Waiting for your reply.

Regards.

Amanda


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## accept

Forget your religion. Leave God out of it. He only comes into it when things go well. Then you can have all the religion you want. At the moment they arent. 
Base your judgement and only you can make it with leaving god out of it all. He doesnt want you doing anything you dont like just to please him. And if he doesnt then you have the wrong god!


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## EleGirl

Amanda,

I am also Catholic so I understand your thoughts of wanting to do the right thing. I do not believe that God wants anyone to live in an abusive, unloving marriage. He was not good to you. In the Bible it teaches that a man must serve his wife in the same manner in which Jesus served the Church. In marriage a man must put his wife’s needs first. If he does not, he is not a Christian husband. 

He is an abusive man who does not love you… you say that he wants you back because he does not have anyone to take care of him? He can hire a housekeeper and cook to take care of him. He did not properly take care of you as his wife.

Do not go back to him and put yourself in lifetime with no love and pain. This is not what your life should be like. It is certainly not what God wants for you or anyone else.


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## AmandaC

accept said:


> Forget your religion. Leave God out of it. He only comes into it when things go well. Then you can have all the religion you want. At the moment they arent.
> Base your judgement and only you can make it with leaving god out of it all. He doesnt want you doing anything you dont like just to please him. And if he doesnt then you have the wrong god!


Thanks a lot for your advise accept. My parents too dont agree that I go back as they dont want society to look down on us. But I guess thats inevitable now. I agree with you. God bless you.


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## AmandaC

EleGirl said:


> Amanda,
> 
> I am also Catholic so I understand your thoughts of wanting to do the right thing. I do not believe that God wants anyone to live in an abusive, unloving marriage. He was not good to you. In the Bible it teaches that a man must serve his wife in the same manner in which Jesus served the Church. In marriage a man must put his wife’s needs first. If he does not, he is not a Christian husband.
> 
> He is an abusive man who does not love you… you say that he wants you back because he does not have anyone to take care of him? He can hire a housekeeper and cook to take care of him. He did not properly take care of you as his wife.
> 
> Do not go back to him and put yourself in lifetime with no love and pain. This is not what your life should be like. It is certainly not what God wants for you or anyone else.


Thank you for your advise  I am clear now about how God thinks.But i am still very scared of hurting him and my parents. I feel i am being selfish.


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## AmandaC

Hi Elegirl, I am just so scared to end it. Should i give some moretime or should I end it now?


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## AmandaC

Hi All, 

I sent an e-mail to my husband that I wont be happy with him and that I want a divorce and will send him the papers through mutual consent.

However, he is been constantly calling me since then, rhe is been calling my parents too. And now he promises to do better. He says he wants a last chance to prove himself. He was getting very emotional and wanted me to come back. I just feel so sad and guilty, finally I said i will give some more time before I come to a decision. 

Is it fine, or should i just send him papers? I am not sure whether I should still consider to give him one chance or not.

Please help!

Regards
Amanda


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## EleGirl

AmandaC said:


> Hi Elegirl, I am just so scared to end it. Should i give some moretime or should I end it now?


Your pain and unhappyness is so clear in your writing. I think that if you go back you will be so unhappy that it will kill an important part of you. Don't do that to yourself.


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## EleGirl

AmandaC said:


> Hi All,
> 
> I sent an e-mail to my husband that I wont be happy with him and that I want a divorce and will send him the papers through mutual consent.
> 
> However, he is been constantly calling me since then, rhe is been calling my parents too. And now he promises to do better. He says he wants a last chance to prove himself. He was getting very emotional and wanted me to come back. I just feel so sad and guilty, finally I said i will give some more time before I come to a decision.
> 
> Is it fine, or should i just send him papers? I am not sure whether I should still consider to give him one chance or not.
> 
> Please help!
> 
> Regards
> Amanda


Amanda, this is so hard because I don't know you and him. So giving such serious advice must be done carefully.

What I will tell you is that I used to be married to a man who I was very much in move with. But as time went on he became mean and critical of me. I worked and put him through medical school. We have a son... and I did most of the work to raise our son also.

I tried so many times to fix our marriage. He would say he was sorry for being mean and promissed to not do it again. And as soon as I got comfortable and thought maybe this time he changed.. he'd get mean. And each time he was meaner than before.

We were married for 14 years. When I left him, he was starting to physically push me into walls, knock me to the ground. He was mean to our son as well. 

There is something called the cycle of abuse. The way it goes is that the abuser is mean (verbally and maybe physically as well), then they feel bad about what they did and they appologize and act nice for a while. Then the anger and resentment builds up in them and they get mean again. And this does on forever like a big circle that never ends.. with them getting meaner over time.

You gave your husband a chance already. Look at how he treated you. Where did he get the idea that he could treat you like that? Like you said... like a slave. Does his father treat his mother like that? What you saw when you were with him is what he is like. That's the real him. That's the way he treated you when you first got married. When people first get married they go through a honeymoon period. Usually they treat each other very well during this time... what you say is how he treats you when everything is new and exciting. It's only going down hill from there.

In my story. I divorced my husband. My son and I moved out. I got a good job. I was much happier with out my ex-husband.

I don't know what countries you are in. Is there a chance if you go give him another chance that he can prevent you from leaving? This can happen in some places.


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## AmandaC

Hi Elegirl, 

I am so grateful to you for your reply. There maybe a chance that he could improve. However, I am not in love with him anymore, I don't hate him, but I dont love him either . 

I did tell him this when we last talked but he woudn't listen, he just wanted me to give him one more chance. My parents are also very conservative. Mom keeps worrying about me and due to society she wants me to go back to him too.  I keep feeling guilty that if i dont go now, I will hurt him and my parents, when he is already promising to do better. It is such a sad situation 

I dont want to sin, coz i believe that I am in this situation because i have sinned. I am so lonely


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## EleGirl

No you are not in this situation because you sinned. God gives us free will. And sometimes we do things that are not best for us.. like marry the wrong man. But we also have free will get out of the problem we put ourselves into. 

Would you mind sharing with me what country you live in so I can have a better idea of your culture? When I was younger I lived in Panama, Ethiopia and Italy. So I know a lot about the sort of conservative culture you are talking about. Now I live in the USA in the state New Mexico.


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## AmandaC

Sure, I am in India, and he is in U.K, he has sent me back coz i had an emotional affair with a guy online. I feel guilty that whatever the situation, I shouldnt have had an EA. I don't have a permanent visa too, coz he cancelled it. But now he says he wont send me back again and arrange for my settlement there. 

I am the eldest in the family, and since i am married twice, my relatives keep on bugging my parents, I have 3 younger sisters. Now, they want to know why i dont have a kid after 3 years of marraige.

My parents have sufferred a lot because of me as I was the eldest and had 2 failed marraiges, therefore they are bugged now as they dont know what to answer the relatives.

Mom keeps on getting depressed. She knows that I wasnt happy with him, but due to lot of pressure from society she wants me to go there so that i can have a kid with him and she can tell the relatives.

I feel so bad that its all because of me that my parents had to suffer so much. (


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## EleGirl

AmandaC said:


> Sure, I am in India, and he is in U.K, he has sent me back coz i had an emotional affair with a guy online. I feel guilty that whatever the situation, I shouldn’t have had an EA. I don't have a permanent visa too, coz he cancelled it. But now he says he wont send me back again and arrange for my settlement there.


Is your husband European or from Indian descent? 
Yes your EA was not the right thing to do, but I can see how you were lost at that time.
Does your husband send money to help support you now?


AmandaC said:


> I am the eldest in the family, and since i am married twice, my relatives keep on bugging my parents, I have 3 younger sisters. Now, they want to know why i dont have a kid after 3 years of marraige.


Relatives can be such a bother sometimes. There could be a lot of reasons that you do not have a child yet. Some women have a hard time getting pregnant. If I were you, that’s what I would tell them. What can they say if you give them that answer?



AmandaC said:


> My parents have suffered a lot because of me as I was the eldest and had 2 failed marraiges, therefore they are bugged now as they dont know what to answer the relatives.


My mother came from a very traditional culture. When I got a divorce her relatives tried to make a deal about it. My mother told them that she would rather have me divorced then abused and unhappy. Maybe you could help your mother learn to stand up for a women’s right, especially her daughter, to be treated well.



AmandaC said:


> Mom keeps on getting depressed. She knows that I wasnt happy with him, but due to lot of pressure from society she wants me to go there so that i can have a kid with him and she can tell the relatives.


If you have a child with him, you and your child will be stuck in an abusive situation ,


AmandaC said:


> I feel so bad that its all because of me that my parents had to suffer so much. (


This is what we call crazy talk. Your mother wants you to go live in a bad situation so that she does not have to be embarrassed. I understand the pressure of your culture. This is very hard for you and your mother. 

I think you have some options here.
If you went back to him to get back in the UK, is there any way that if he mistreats you, you could stay in the UK? You would be living under a lot less stigma in the UK if you leave your husband. You could divorce him there, get a job and support yourself. And your mother would not need to feel the social pressure. There are places in the UK that help abused women.

Another thing that comes to mind Is, have you been to college? Do you have a degree or what job skills. Are there places in India where you could find a good job and be self-supporting? Surely there are women in India who do that now. What is the possibility of that?

Is there anything besides being married that you dream of doing?


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## AmandaC

Hi Elegirl, 

My husband is an Indian settled there. He says that once I go back he will file for my settlement, but i am not sure. 

Yes, I am well educated, that's why I used to work in UK too, and give him all the money.

I am working here too in a good firm, and am earning a decent salary. I have also booked a home all by myself in India, of my own, but now he says that because he scared that if i leave him again, he wants me to sell my house in India, as he is scared that I might comeback here again.

When I ask him why... he says that he is scared that i will leave him again.

But, I have clearly told him that under no circumstances am i going to sell that house.

He finally agreed to that too....


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## AmandaC

AmandaC said:


> Hi Elegirl,
> 
> My husband is an Indian settled there. He says that once I go back he will file for my settlement, but i am not sure.
> 
> Yes, I am well educated, that's why I used to work in UK too, and give him all the money.
> 
> I am working here too in a good firm, and am earning a decent salary. I have also booked a home all by myself in India, of my own, but now he says that because he scared that if i leave him again, he wants me to sell my house in India, as he is scared that I might comeback here again.
> 
> When I ask him why... he says that he is scared that i will leave him again.
> 
> But, I have clearly told him that under no circumstances am i going to sell that house.
> 
> He finally agreed to that too....


I am sorry that i would have to log out for a while as i am at work, i will comeback online soon and am desperately waiting to talk more and get your advice. Thank you so much!


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## EleGirl

AmandaC said:


> Hi Elegirl,
> 
> My husband is an Indian settled there. He says that once I go back he will file for my settlement, but i am not sure.


Can he file for your settlement BEFORE you return to the UK? His doing this would prove his sincerity. Perhaps you can ask for that.



AmandaC said:


> Yes, I am well educated, that's why I used to work in UK too, and give him all the money.


I figured that you were well educated as your English is very good. This gives you a lot more options as I am sure you are aware.

Have you talked with him about your income? That you will keep some of your income for yourself to build a savings and to get the things you need and what. That since he took all of your money before you do not trust giving it all to him. And also that since you will be living in the UK, where I believe you would have the rights to 50% of all community income, property and debt that you have to be involved in the finances. You are as legally responsible to pay the bills as he is, so you need to be involved. Neither of you should make any debt without the other’s consent.


AmandaC said:


> I am working here too in a good firm, and am earning a decent salary. I have also booked a home all by myself in India, of my own, but now he says that because he scared that if i leave him again, he wants me to sell my house in India, as he is scared that I might come back here again.
> 
> When I ask him why... he says that he is scared that i will leave him again.
> But, I have clearly told him that under no circumstances am i going to sell that house.
> He finally agreed to that too....


Good for you!! That house is your security. You should always keep it if you can afford to.

Whatever you do, do not go back to him simply because of social pressure. You have your own home now. It would seem that with so many well educated and well employed women in India that there would be a descent sized population of women who are more independent. Is this true?


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## EleGirl

AmandaC said:


> I am sorry that i would have to log out for a while as i am at work, i will comeback online soon and am desperately waiting to talk more and get your advice. Thank you so much!


Amanda,

It is 11 PM here in New Mexico. So I have to go to bed now. I'll check back on your thread in the morning before I leave for work. I cannot use the internet for posting when I'm at work. Of course I just got a new android phone so maybe I'll try that while at work. :smthumbup:

But I will definately be back online after work tomorrow evening.

Have a very good day!


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## AmandaC

Hi Elegirl, 

I can perhaps try talking to him getting me settled there, before I go. Yes, India has changed considerably from before. There are many single independent women in here. 

I will not go due to social pressure. I told my parents too today that I will only go if its comfortable for me.

I understand that you have your work life. I really appreciate you helping everyone here. Its such a noble work to do. I am so grateful, that I got someone I could share my pain with and also get proper advice. 

Thank you so much Elegirl, and I will keep you posted about what happends next.

P.S. Android phones are cool and reliable, my friend has those, do you like playing games on them? I surely do... 

Goodnight!, Tc, God bless you.


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## Stonewall

The answer is in your heart. Follow it or you will be miserable. You only have one life and it is short so be happy.

I know a man that did the opposite and has been married for about 55 years. If you ask him how long he has been married he will say 55 miserable years. .....yeah he really said that. 

Don't be that person!


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## EleGirl

Amanda, 

It's morning here. I got up late so now I'm rushing to get to work. It's good to hear that you have told your mother that you will not go back based on social pressure. You have so much going for you, so many options. Do what is truely best for you. 

Do keep me posted.


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## AmandaC

Stonewall said:


> The answer is in your heart. Follow it or you will be miserable. You only have one life and it is short so be happy.
> 
> I know a man that did the opposite and has been married for about 55 years. If you ask him how long he has been married he will say 55 miserable years. .....yeah he really said that.
> 
> Don't be that person!


Thank you! I am just gathering up the courage to do what I want!


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## AmandaC

EleGirl said:


> Amanda,
> 
> It's morning here. I got up late so now I'm rushing to get to work. It's good to hear that you have told your mother that you will not go back based on social pressure. You have so much going for you, so many options. Do what is truely best for you.
> 
> Do keep me posted.


I understand. I will try my best to do what is good for me and also keep praying to god. I am sure, he will do the bestc But, I will take care of myself to....

Will keep you posted  Tc


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## EleGirl

I hope you are doing a lot better today Amanda.


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## AmandaC

EleGirl said:


> I hope you are doing a lot better today Amanda.


Hi Elegirl,

I am doing lot better. I feel as if I have got lot of power in me. Many thanks for your help. I will keep you posted always. 

Hope you are good. It must be evening in U.S.

Regards
Amanda


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## EleGirl

Yes it's evening here.

I'm glad to hear that you are doing a lot better and finding your power. I would love to know how you are doing and what you end up doing.


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## AmandaC

Hi Elegirl,

Hope you are well. My husband is constantly trying to keep in touch now and be good. 

However, i am still not sure. He wants to start a family as soon as i go there. He wants 2 kids. I am so scared bcoz I am still not sure about him, how will I handle 2 kids. Is it that I have started liking my freedom here or is it because I am genuinely not sure about him? I am just wandering....


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## AmandaC

AmandaC said:


> Hi Elegirl,
> 
> Hope you are well. My husband is constantly trying to keep in touch now and be good.
> 
> However, i am still not sure. He wants to start a family as soon as i go there. He wants 2 kids. I am so scared bcoz I am still not sure about him, how will I handle 2 kids. Is it that I have started liking my freedom here or is it because I am genuinely not sure about him? I am just wandering....


Hello All,
I seek help from anyone who reads my posts. I am so confused and this state of limbo is killing me. :scratchhead:Thank you!


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## AmandaC

AmandaC said:


> Hi Elegirl,
> 
> Hope you are well. My husband is constantly trying to keep in touch now and be good.
> 
> However, i am still not sure. He wants to start a family as soon as i go there. He wants 2 kids. I am so scared bcoz I am still not sure about him, how will I handle 2 kids. Is it that I have started liking my freedom here or is it because I am genuinely not sure about him? I am just wandering....


Hi Elegirl, Kindly do reply once you read this post. I couldnt sleep last night either.


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## EleGirl

AmandaC said:


> Hi Elegirl,
> 
> Hope you are well. My husband is constantly trying to keep in touch now and be good.
> 
> However, i am still not sure. He wants to start a family as soon as i go there. He wants 2 kids. I am so scared bcoz I am still not sure about him, how will I handle 2 kids. Is it that I have started liking my freedom here or is it because I am genuinely not sure about him? I am just wandering....


If he wants to start a family right away, he clearly is not thinking about you are the health of your relationship. One of the things that traps women in a marriage are children. How easy would it be to leave him if you go back and find out that he has not really changed?

And how much is he going to help you with the children? 

Would he expect you to quit your job and stay home if you had children?


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## AmandaC

Hi, 

He says that he wants me to quit the job and start a family with him. And even if agrees for me to work, i am still not sure what he will be doing there. I dont know what to tell him.

I did tell him the other day that 1 kid would be enough looking at our relationship. But he doesnt want one kid, he wants 2 kids.

I really dont know what to tell him.....


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## sisters359

It is VERY likely you would not be able to bring the children out of the UK if he objected. Having kids with him would leave you trapped and alone in a foreign country with no family and with an abusive husband.

Please, tell us one reason why you should give him another chance? he had plenty of chances already, and he failed each time. You do not love him; you are only considering going back for other reasons--like family pride, uncertain religious beliefs. Know that God wants you to be safe and happy, and you ask His forgiveness if you make a very human error--but no one would think this is an error. Keeping yourself happy and safe, and preventing the birth of children whose lives would be spent watching their mother suffer is a NOT a sin. You are young enough to find someone who will love you and cherish you--yes, CHERISH. 

You feel guilty about the emotional connection with the other man, so pray about that, for forgiveness. God does not ask us to sacrifice ourselves for our sins--He asked His Son, so much more perfect than us--to bear that burden so we do not have to. Pray for forgiveness, but do not punish yourself by returning to an uncertain and potentially unsafe future. God will forgive you--He is perfect in that. You must forgive yourself, too. And move forward, not back.


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## AmandaC

sisters359 said:


> It is VERY likely you would not be able to bring the children out of the UK if he objected. Having kids with him would leave you trapped and alone in a foreign country with no family and with an abusive husband.
> 
> Please, tell us one reason why you should give him another chance? he had plenty of chances already, and he failed each time. You do not love him; you are only considering going back for other reasons--like family pride, uncertain religious beliefs. Know that God wants you to be safe and happy, and you ask His forgiveness if you make a very human error--but no one would think this is an error. Keeping yourself happy and safe, and preventing the birth of children whose lives would be spent watching their mother suffer is a NOT a sin. You are young enough to find someone who will love you and cherish you--yes, CHERISH.
> 
> You feel guilty about the emotional connection with the other man, so pray about that, for forgiveness. God does not ask us to sacrifice ourselves for our sins--He asked His Son, so much more perfect than us--to bear that burden so we do not have to. Pray for forgiveness, but do not punish yourself by returning to an uncertain and potentially unsafe future. God will forgive you--He is perfect in that. You must forgive yourself, too. And move forward, not back.


Hi, 

I am trying my best to find a way where no one gets hurt, but i guess coz he wants to start a family soon, I am very scared... Thank you so much for your response....


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## EleGirl

AmandaC said:


> Hi Elegirl, Kindly do reply once you read this post. I couldnt sleep last night either.


Losing sleep in rough. What do you have in your life that can distract you? Besides work, what do you have to occupy your self? Find things that occupy your mind and/or relax you. Do those to take your mind off of this huge problem that hangs over your head. 

One thing that helps me is to write. I sit at my computer and write out my thoughts.. i don't write by hand since i've use the computer for so long that I'm really not comfortable writing by hand anymore.. sad as that is. But putting my thoughts down is a form of release. I don't even go back and read them most of the time. It's a way to release the angst. Then put the file (or papers if you write on paper) some place and leave your problems for God to take care of. Hand them over to Him. Trust that He will take care of the problems.

And do not change your life until something very strong moves you to. If nothing stronly moves you to go back... then God's hand is not in it.

Are you living in your new home? 


How hard would it be for you to initiate a divorce from where you are at?


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## EleGirl

sisters359 said:


> It is VERY likely you would not be able to bring the children out of the UK if he objected. Having kids with him would leave you trapped and alone in a foreign country with no family and with an abusive husband.
> 
> Please, tell us one reason why you should give him another chance? he had plenty of chances already, and he failed each time. You do not love him; you are only considering going back for other reasons--like family pride, uncertain religious beliefs. Know that God wants you to be safe and happy, and you ask His forgiveness if you make a very human error--but no one would think this is an error. Keeping yourself happy and safe, and preventing the birth of children whose lives would be spent watching their mother suffer is a NOT a sin. You are young enough to find someone who will love you and cherish you--yes, CHERISH.
> 
> You feel guilty about the emotional connection with the other man, so pray about that, for forgiveness. God does not ask us to sacrifice ourselves for our sins--He asked His Son, so much more perfect than us--to bear that burden so we do not have to. Pray for forgiveness, but do not punish yourself by returning to an uncertain and potentially unsafe future. God will forgive you--He is perfect in that. You must forgive yourself, too. And move forward, not back.


:iagree:


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## AmandaC

Hi Elegirl,

Thank you so much for your help and support. I really need it at this time. There is one more thing that keeps bothring me.

Both my parents are old. What if they pass away without getting to know that I am not settled with my husband and that I didn't go back. If they leave this world just knowing that I still dont have a family. Will they be able to forgive me? (

I keep thinking of that too and feel very sad that if something happens to them, I couldnt make them happy....


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## EleGirl

AmandaC said:


> Hi Elegirl,
> 
> Thank you so much for your help and support. I really need it at this time. There is one more thing that keeps bothring me.
> 
> Both my parents are old. What if they pass away without getting to know that I am not settled with my husband and that I didn't go back. If they leave this world just knowing that I still dont have a family. Will they be able to forgive me? (
> 
> I keep thinking of that too and feel very sad that if something happens to them, I couldnt make them happy....


Amanda,
How old are you? And how old are your parents?

You are not responsible for your parent’s happiness. Each of us is responsible for our own happiness. 

While your mother might be pushing you right now to have a child even if you have to endure a life of abuse, when she does pass she will know that this was wrong. I believe that when we pass on to purgatory and then to heaven our souls have much more perfect knowledge and love. She and your father will want you to be safe and happy. And for sure they will want their grandchildren to grow up in a happy and emotionally healthy home. So of course they will be able to forgive you that you waited until you found the right man to have a family with. 

But I can see that you are very sweet and wonderful daughter to think so much about your parents and their happiness. But in the end, they will not be happy if you are abused and your children are abused. Plus would they ever even get to see their grandchildren if they live in the UK? That could be a real sadness as well.

This husband of yours is not your last chance at having a family. If anything he has been a hindrance to you having a family. Look what he did, he took your trust and love and treated it like yesterday’s garbage. 

While in your culture, arranged marriages are common, the chance you took with him is even more of a risk as you did not know him, his family, etc. It took a lot of courage and blind faith for you to travel to the UK and marry him. And look what he did. I will bet that he felt that he could treat you like that because you had no family around, no one who would stand up for you and help you. Then he further isolated you. This is not a man you want to have a family with. 

If you divorce him it opens up the door for you to meet a man who will love, adore and protect you and your children. Isn’t that what you really want?

One of my philosophies in life is to open up opportunities… as many as possible. And then you have a choice of many options and you can pick the best one. You have a lot going for you. You are young; educated; can earn a good living; own your own home. There are a lot of men who prize such a woman. Value yourself enough to know that you deserve the best.

What are the ways young women in India meet potential husbands? Share with me how you would go about it.

You take care and get some sleep tonight.


----------



## LizLolly

Hi Amanda,

I really feel for what you are going through now. I wish that everyone in this world could have the chance to have a lasting and loving marriage/relationship. It looks to me like you have mentioned all the reasons to go back as mainly ones out of what you feel is your obligation (to your parents, to God) but I haven't really heard you mention anything about going back because you love him or you think he could give you a decent future. Am I right??

Whatever decision you make it could be a rough road ahead, just remember that. You just need to think abt what is MORE important to you---fulfilling an obligation or having a chance at being with someone who you actually like and who at least, will treat you well.

I wish you all the best!!!


----------



## AmandaC

EleGirl said:


> Amanda,
> How old are you? And how old are your parents?
> 
> You are not responsible for your parent’s happiness. Each of us is responsible for our own happiness.
> 
> While your mother might be pushing you right now to have a child even if you have to endure a life of abuse, when she does pass she will know that this was wrong. I believe that when we pass on to purgatory and then to heaven our souls have much more perfect knowledge and love. She and your father will want you to be safe and happy. And for sure they will want their grandchildren to grow up in a happy and emotionally healthy home. So of course they will be able to forgive you that you waited until you found the right man to have a family with.
> 
> But I can see that you are very sweet and wonderful daughter to think so much about your parents and their happiness. But in the end, they will not be happy if you are abused and your children are abused. Plus would they ever even get to see their grandchildren if they live in the UK? That could be a real sadness as well.
> 
> This husband of yours is not your last chance at having a family. If anything he has been a hindrance to you having a family. Look what he did, he took your trust and love and treated it like yesterday’s garbage.
> 
> While in your culture, arranged marriages are common, the chance you took with him is even more of a risk as you did not know him, his family, etc. It took a lot of courage and blind faith for you to travel to the UK and marry him. And look what he did. I will bet that he felt that he could treat you like that because you had no family around, no one who would stand up for you and help you. Then he further isolated you. This is not a man you want to have a family with.
> 
> If you divorce him it opens up the door for you to meet a man who will love, adore and protect you and your children. Isn’t that what you really want?
> 
> One of my philosophies in life is to open up opportunities… as many as possible. And then you have a choice of many options and you can pick the best one. You have a lot going for you. You are young; educated; can earn a good living; own your own home. There are a lot of men who prize such a woman. Value yourself enough to know that you deserve the best.
> 
> What are the ways young women in India meet potential husbands? Share with me how you would go about it.
> 
> You take care and get some sleep tonight.


Hi Elegirl,

Its so comforting to read your advice. I know what you mean. I am happy that there is someone who thinks about me, not my parents, not my husband . It feels so good. I am 34... my parents are 63. 

I think I may get a good husband here, however I would no longer be interested in getting married after 2 failed marriages. I just dont want any male to be in my life.

I have a plan though. If I don't go back to my husband, I wouldn't marry, but will adopt a child here whom I can take care of. I will be at peace that way.

Yes, I did get some sleep tonite. I will keep you posted.

Cannnot thank you enough!  God bless you


----------



## AmandaC

LizLolly said:


> Hi Amanda,
> 
> I really feel for what you are going through now. I wish that everyone in this world could have the chance to have a lasting and loving marriage/relationship. It looks to me like you have mentioned all the reasons to go back as mainly ones out of what you feel is your obligation (to your parents, to God) but I haven't really heard you mention anything about going back because you love him or you think he could give you a decent future. Am I right??
> 
> Whatever decision you make it could be a rough road ahead, just remember that. You just need to think abt what is MORE important to you---fulfilling an obligation or having a chance at being with someone who you actually like and who at least, will treat you well.
> 
> I wish you all the best!!!


Hi Lizlolly,

Many thanks for your support and advice. Things are getting clear to me, slowly and steadily.

I surely dont want to go back to him... I will keep you posted.

Thanks a lot. God bless you!


----------



## EleGirl

Hi Amanda,

Your parents are my age. That does not seem so old from my point of view. And you? You are young. 

I married my ex-husband when I was 35. About a year later I gave birth to still-born twins. There were a lot of complications to that pregnancy and I could not have children after that. A few years later, when I was 40, we adopted a baby boy. He was 10 days old. If you do decide to adopt, it’s very good way to go. Just find out as much as you can about the baby’s parents so that you know that the baby is truly healthy.

From my experience, the attachment and love for an adopted child is the same as for a child you give birth to. This is especially true when you adopt an infant. We adopted through Catholic Social Services. Surely they have the adoption services there in India as well. 

Today my son is 22 years old. He still lives here at home since he’s attending the university. He’s almost a senior, working on a degree in physics and engineering. He is tall, handsome, caring and very intelligent. I feel blessed for having him in my life.

I can understand your feelings about not having a man in your life… they can be so complicated.:lol: At some point you might change your mind if you choose. But sometimes taking the time for ourselves is so important. 

Glad to hear you got some sleep.

This week my work it taking so much overtime. It seems that everything goes crazy there at one time. I have a major audit, have to travel to California next week to meet with customers who want their hands held so I have a huge presentation I’m working on .. and then there is the normal work.

It gets crazy sometimes!!

Keep posting.


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## AmandaC

Hi Elegirl,

I am so privileged to get advice from someone who is of my parent's age and experienced. And I am also glad to know that you too have adopted a son. Its great to know that he is doing well in his studies. 

I have got some more courage today.  I can understand you must be having busy life. However, its amazing how you take time to reply to us here. You are great! And I am thankful to god that i met you on this site.

Will keep you posted. God Bless you.

Amanda


----------



## EleGirl

Amanda,

Good to hear that you are feeling courage today. Life does take courage, a lot sometimes.

I enjoy posting to here. Posting here helps me to focus on things in my own life that I need to take care of.. I guess it gives me courage as well. I have a tendency to just stay busy with work and other things. That way I can ignore bigger problems in my personal life. But since posting here I'm looking move into myself and at how I can make myself a better person; and how I can solve some problems.

God Bless you as well!


----------



## AmandaC

EleGirl said:


> Amanda,
> 
> Good to hear that you are feeling courage today. Life does take courage, a lot sometimes.
> 
> I enjoy posting to here. Posting here helps me to focus on things in my own life that I need to take care of.. I guess it gives me courage as well. I have a tendency to just stay busy with work and other things. That way I can ignore bigger problems in my personal life. But since posting here I'm looking move into myself and at how I can make myself a better person; and how I can solve some problems.
> 
> God Bless you as well!


:smthumbup:


----------



## AmandaC

Hi Elegirl,

Hope you are well. He called me today again and tried convincing me again with his sweet words. I told him i am still not convinced and that I havent decided anything. To which he reacted very sadly.

But I had to do it as i dont trust him anymore .... Did i do anything wrong?

Amanda


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## EleGirl

Hi Amanda,

You did nothing wrong. You spoke truthfully about your own feelings. It's improtant to be truthful... especially in marriage.

Do you feel like you did something wrong?


----------



## AmandaC

Hi Elegirl,
I was truthful to him. But I was feeling bad that now he tries to be very good to me, but i dont feel anything for him... 

Amanda


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## LizLolly

AmandaC said:


> Hi Elegirl,
> I was truthful to him. But I was feeling bad that now he tries to be very good to me, but i dont feel anything for him...
> 
> Amanda


Yeah I think that's guilt many people feel when they want to leave. Think of the big picture and if you know your decision is right, it's right...


----------



## AmandaC

LizLolly said:


> Yeah I think that's guilt many people feel when they want to leave. Think of the big picture and if you know your decision is right, it's right...


Thank you so much! I will... I wish you good luck too!


----------



## EleGirl

AmandaC said:


> Hi Elegirl,
> I was truthful to him. But I was feeling bad that now he tries to be very good to me, but i dont feel anything for him...
> 
> Amanda


It seems to me that you care very much for others, even your husband who did not treat you well. That's a very good trait in a person. You are loving and caring. Sometimes people who care a lot for others put themselves last. You seem to be learning to put yourself first. It's an important thing to learn. That's a good thing.

You don't feel anything for him because he killed the love you had. You cannot force those feeling to come back. It is what it is.


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## AmandaC

Yes, thats right. I am sorry, I dont even understand my feelings anymore. I have suppressed my feelings so much, that its difficult for me to understand what I want. But I know now. I am learning to put myself first. Yes, thats what it is  Thank you so much!  Will keep you posted.


----------



## EleGirl

AmandaC said:


> Yes, thats right. I am sorry, I dont even understand my feelings anymore. I have suppressed my feelings so much, that its difficult for me to understand what I want. But I know now. I am learning to put myself first. Yes, thats what it is  Thank you so much!  Will keep you posted.


In a lot of traditional cultures, women are taught to put their own needs and feelings last. This way women dedicate themselves to their husband and children. All the while their husband goes out and has a life outside the family with a career, male friends he does things with like sports, etc.

This is the mold that women like you are breaking in your culture. For me, it was my generation that was brought up to be different.


My mother had a college degree. She was a concert pianist and an opera singer with a contract at the NY Metropolitan opera. But when she married my father, she did what was expected of her. She quit her contract and stopped her music career. She stayed home, had 8 children and raised us. I think that while she loved us all, she regretted losing her music career.

In my family I have 3 brothers and 4 sisters. My parents raised all of their daughters to first be able to take care of themselves. As my father said, he never wanted to see any of his daughters have to live with an abusive man because she had no other means of support.


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## AmandaC

Hi Elegirl, 

Its so inspirational to hear about you. I understand what you are saying. I just wanted to let you know, that with your and everyone' s support here at the forum, i am feeling much better and stronger. I will like to read more from you. Thank you!  I will keep you posted and I hope you do the same....


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## EleGirl

(((((((hugs)))))))


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## AmandaC

EleGirl said:


> (((((((hugs)))))))


Lots of hugs and good wishes to you too


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## AmandaC

EleGirl said:


> Hi Amanda,
> 
> You did nothing wrong. You spoke truthfully about your own feelings. It's improtant to be truthful... especially in marriage.
> 
> Do you feel like you did something wrong?


Hi Elegirl,

How are you? 

Amanda


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## AmandaC

Hi Elegirl,

I wanted to add to my previous post that he did call up again. And this time he said that he doesnt have anyone else as a family except for me. 

He doesnt have parents. And he has previously fought with his brothers regarding property disputes. Now, he says that if i leave him, he will have no one to take care of him. I did tell him that it doesnt always matter how he feels, it also matters how i feel.

I didnt know what else to say


----------



## EleGirl

AmandaC said:


> Hi Elegirl,
> 
> I wanted to add to my previous post that he did call up again. And this time he said that he doesnt have anyone else as a family except for me.
> 
> He doesnt have parents. And he has previously fought with his brothers regarding property disputes. Now, he says that if i leave him, he will have no one to take care of him. I did tell him that it doesnt always matter how he feels, it also matters how i feel.
> 
> I didnt know what else to say


Hi Amanda,

You are right that it does not only matter how he feels. What you feel and need is important. What did he say when you told him that?

Look at what he is saying. He wants someone to take care of him. Did he say that he loves you and wants to take care of you? Or is it all about him?

He has fought with his brothers over land. Maybe he needs to make peace with his brothers. He has no close friends? Why not? I'll bet it's because he chases people away.

Your are a lot more than a care taker. You deserve so much more.

:smthumbup:


----------



## AmandaC

EleGirl said:


> Hi Amanda,
> 
> You are right that it does not only matter how he feels. What you feel and need is important. What did he say when you told him that?
> 
> Look at what he is saying. He wants someone to take care of him. Did he say that he loves you and wants to take care of you? Or is it all about him?
> 
> He has fought with his brothers over land. Maybe he needs to make peace with his brothers. He has no close friends? Why not? I'll bet it's because he chases people away.
> 
> Your are a lot more than a care taker. You deserve so much more.
> 
> :smthumbup:


Hi Elegirl,

He does say that many a times now that he will love me and take care of me. He talks so good nowadays.

But I still cannot feel anything for him, and I do not trust him either, how much ever he tries to be good. 

I am rude to him sometimes, which i was never before. But I think thats okay.

Amanda


----------



## EleGirl

Amanda,

Are you being rude? Or are you being firm about what you feel? It's quite alright for you to be firm and tell him that you do not feel anthing for him except distrust. 

Do you have caller ID so you can see if he is calling? Perhaps you can just not answer when he calls. If the calls are causing you stress then that's a good way to handle it.

Does hearing his voice upset you?

Maybe limit communications with him to email? That way you can process what he says, only answer when you want.


----------



## AmandaC

Hi Elegirl,

Yes I do have a caller id. I think I should not take more of his calls. It will be easier for me to decide that way...

I am sorry, I just keep needing reassurance from you that its okay to do what i want. And not feel guilty all the time. 

I want to live my life now. Even if he has got better than before, i still dont feel like going and am not sure about him.

I just need a re-assurance that I am not doing anything wrong. My heart is broken, and I am so tired. Why is he talking good now, when I am already shattered and do not feel anything for him?

I just have so much of resentment in me for him. He has also disrespected my parents bcoz he himself doesnt have a family. 

Now, I dont feel anything for him anymore. I can only have sympathy, nothing else....

Am I doing anything wrong here? I just need reassurance.

I am sorry to trouble you so much, Elegirl.

Regards, 
Amanda


----------



## EleGirl

Hi Amanda,

Here is a thread that I think you should read. It's written by a woman who went back with her husband ...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation-stories/39122-big-mistake.html

Ele


----------



## AmandaC

EleGirl said:


> Hi Amanda,
> 
> Here is a thread that I think you should read. It's written by a woman who went back with her husband ...
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation-stories/39122-big-mistake.html
> 
> Ele


Hi Ele,

I just went through that thread. Its really sad. I think my husband is also emotionally manipulative. 

Regards,
Amanda


----------



## EleGirl

AmandaC said:


> I am sorry, I just keep needing reassurance from you that its okay to do what i want. And not feel guilty all the time.


You need to find a way to lose that guilt. Very often the abused person has the guilt. It’s part of why they put up with the abuse to start with. 

Have you ever heard of a worry box? Write down something that worries you. Or in this case write about your guilt. And write a prayer to ask for God’s help in taking away your guilt. Then put the prayer and what you write in the box. The worry box is where you put the things that you want God to help you with. After you put it in the box let the guilt go… let God handle it. This might sound silly but it works.


AmandaC said:


> I want to live my life now. Even if he has got better than before, i still dont feel like going and am not sure about him.


You cannot be sure of him. And he lives too far away for you to give his a chance by going there. It would be too hard to leave again. You would be there with no one to help you.. no family and no friends.



AmandaC said:


> I just need a re-assurance that I am not doing anything wrong. My heart is broken, and I am so tired. Why is he talking good now, when I am already shattered and do not feel anything for him?


You are not doing wrong. If you feel nothing good for him and only are unsure of him you are doing the right thing. He had his chance to be a good husband. He used that chance wrong. You are right in protecting yourself and living a life the way you want.
When he calls you and you hear his voice, he is able to manipulate you into feeling guilty. That’s what he’s trying to do. So don’t talk to him if it causes you too much distress.


AmandaC said:


> I just have so much of resentment in me for him. He has also disrespected my parents bcoz he himself doesnt have a family.


How did he disrespect your family? What did he do?


AmandaC said:


> Now, I dont feel anything for him anymore. I can only have sympathy, nothing else....


Not feeling anything for him will help you heal from the pain he has caused. Listen to your heart. It knows how you have been hurt by him.


AmandaC said:


> Am I doing anything wrong here? I just need reassurance.


No you are not doing anything wrong. How can loving yourself enough to protect and care for yourself ever be wrong?


AmandaC said:


> I am sorry to trouble you so much, Elegirl.


Amanda, you are no trouble at all. I only hope and pray for the best for you.


----------



## EleGirl

AmandaC said:


> Hi Ele,
> 
> I just went through that thread. Its really sad. I think my husband is also emotionally manipulative.
> 
> Regards,
> Amanda


When I read that thread I thought about you immediately. I also think that your husband is emotionally manipulative. It's always a lot clearer to see these things when we see it going on in someone else's life.


----------



## AmandaC

Dear Ele,

Thank you so much for the re-assurance. I am at peace now. I will do what you wrote, I am sure it should be useful.

Thank you for all your support. I will always pray for you too! 

I have so many other plans in life. One of them is to visit Egypt. I have started to save a little bit for the trip already.

I am so grateful to God for have met you 

I will keep you posted. Lots of hugs...

Regards,
Amanda


----------



## EleGirl

AmandaC said:


> Dear Ele,
> 
> Thank you so much for the re-assurance. I am at peace now. I will do what you wrote, I am sure it should be useful.
> 
> Thank you for all your support. I will always pray for you too!
> 
> I have so many other plans in life. One of them is to visit Egypt. I have started to save a little bit for the trip already.
> 
> I am so grateful to God for have met you
> 
> I will keep you posted. Lots of hugs...
> 
> Regards,
> Amanda


Unfortunately Egypt is not a good place to travel to right now. There is too much turmoil. But maybe by the time you can visit it will be settled down.

I was in Cairo once as a child. I think I was 10. But it was only to the airport. So I did not see the city. Hopefully you will get to go.


----------



## AmandaC

EleGirl said:


> Unfortunately Egypt is not a good place to travel to right now. There is too much turmoil. But maybe by the time you can visit it will be settled down.
> 
> I was in Cairo once as a child. I think I was 10. But it was only to the airport. So I did not see the city. Hopefully you will get to go.


Yes, I have been reading this in news on and off. Maybe till that time i will have some money gathered. 

Oh, ok... I really like talking to you. 

I do night shifts here. So will try to get some sleep now. 

Have to getup in the evening and go to work 

Mondays are always bad....

Keep posting... Please and I will too....

Take Care,
Amanda


----------



## AmandaC

Hi Elegirl,

How are you? Yesterday, one of my good friends was asking me casually about what i decided about my husband and me...

I have shared everything with him and he is a nice person. I said to him that I hadnt decided yet.

He said that when my husband is now behaving nicely... I should give him a chance and go back 

He told me that he says this coz he doesnt want me to end up lonlely and society here is bad. Plus, if my husband is behaving good, that I should give him a chance....

I didnt know what to tell him... He confused me more...


----------



## EleGirl

Hi Amanda,

I just got back from my trip to California. I caught a cold there so now I’m a bit sick. Yuck!

Your friend’s opinion is just that, his opinion. What matters the most is what you feel and believe. Remember that your friend has never lived with your husband. He has most likely never been treated with the disrespect and cruelty that your husband treated you with… because with some men that sort of treatment is reserved for women only.

What do you think of your friend’s opinion? Is society there in India bad? How is it bad if it is? Can you live there safely? Can you support yourself there? Do you have female friends who you can do things with?


----------



## AmandaC

EleGirl said:


> Hi Amanda,
> 
> I just got back from my trip to California. I caught a cold there so now I’m a bit sick. Yuck!
> 
> Your friend’s opinion is just that, his opinion. What matters the most is what you feel and believe. Remember that your friend has never lived with your husband. He has most likely never been treated with the disrespect and cruelty that your husband treated you with… because with some men that sort of treatment is reserved for women only.
> 
> What do you think of your friend’s opinion? Is society there in India bad? How is it bad if it is? Can you live there safely? Can you support yourself there? Do you have female friends who you can do things with?


Hi Elegirl,

I have seen in some TV serials and hollywood movies that California is quite beautiful. I wish you recover from cold soon. Society here has evolved a lot from before. People have now started respecting single mothers. I too stay away from my parents on my own with a roommate (girl).. I think I can live here safely and I have a decent job too, to take care of myself. Yes, I do have female friends whom I talk to and get support from.

About my friends opinion, I am still battling with my conscience .... Unable to decide... I pray to god that I come to one decision soon... Coz state of Limbo is the worst state...

Regards
Amanda


----------



## AmandaC

AmandaC said:


> Hi Elegirl,
> 
> I have seen in some TV serials and hollywood movies that California is quite beautiful. I wish you recover from cold soon. Society here has evolved a lot from before. People have now started respecting single mothers. I too stay away from my parents on my own with a roommate (girl).. I think I can live here safely and I have a decent job too, to take care of myself. Yes, I do have female friends whom I talk to and get support from.
> 
> About my friends opinion, I am still battling with my conscience .... Unable to decide... I pray to god that I come to one decision soon... Coz state of Limbo is the worst state...
> 
> Regards
> Amanda


Hi Elegirl,

I just returned from work, and have to go to sleep now. I would love to get your thoughts on my last post which is quoted above. Hugs....

Amanda


----------



## EleGirl

Hello Amanda,
I’m glad to hear that you have a roommate. It’s good to have someone around and someone to do things with. What does she think about all this with your husband and your parents?

I think that your male friend was speaking from a very traditional point of view. And it was a bit of a naive point of view as well. We would all love to believe that any person can change when face with losing their spouse. But so many studies have been done on this now. The statistics show that it’s very unlikely that your husband will have actually changed. This is especially true when the two of you will not be living by any of your family and friends. When there is no one, especially a male, who can put pressure on him to behave he is more likely to not act any better than he did in the past.

Are you really in a state of limbo? Or have you really decided not to go back to him but are just feeling under pressure from your family and from your husband? Is it really the pressure that is the issue?


----------



## AmandaC

Hi Elegirl,

My roommate also thinks the same that I shouldn't go back to him. I understand what you are saying.

I am no longer under pressure from my parents. Its just battling with conscience. I have never / hardly hurt anyone in life, even for trivial things. And I just somehow feel that taking this decision will ruin his life as he is completely dependent on me.... 

I feel so scared that what if i take this decision of not going back and then i have to feel guilty all my life?


----------



## EleGirl

HI Amanda,

Be assured that you are not ruining his life. If you do not go back and you divorce him, he will just find another woman to marry. And this time he will make sure she is not as well educated as you and has fewer options than you. This way he can control her. He could not control you, you are too strong. Although you spend so much energy beating yourself up over leaving and staying away from him, so far you have been too strong to continue to let him abuse you.

No you will not feel this guilt all of your life. It will go away. Where were you married? In India or in the UK? Can you file for divorce in India? How does that work? Perhaps if you file for divorce as set him free to marry someone else, you will feel less guilty?


----------



## AmandaC

Hi Elegirl,

I was married in India. So it will be easier for me to divorce him here and I have been separated for almost 2 years now. 

Yes, that should be the right thing. I just have to now gather courage to set him free... I am sorry to be such a pain 

Thank you so much for replying regardless.

Regards
Amanda


----------



## EleGirl

AmandaC said:


> Hi Elegirl,
> 
> I was married in India. So it will be easier for me to divorce him here and I have been separated for almost 2 years now.
> 
> Yes, that should be the right thing. I just have to now gather courage to set him free... I am sorry to be such a pain
> 
> Thank you so much for replying regardless.
> 
> Regards
> Amanda


Amanda!! You are not a pain. Not at all.

Is there a time that you have to wait to file for divorce after separation in India?


----------



## sadinsalem

Being in a situation where I have now dug a hole for myself that I cannot get out of.. I can tell you this... DO... NOT... GO.. BACK.... I know since I travel a lot, that different cultures and traditions make it hard. But you only have ONE life, and you need to live it for yourself. Not your mom, not your dad, you can TRY to do things to make everyone but yourself happy, but in the end it is SOOOO not worth it. You will be miserable while everyone else around you is happy, it's no way to live. And since you can be financially independent, then do it. Your husband is looking for someone to punch his meal ticket, no more, live your life for you and be happy!!!


----------



## AmandaC

Thanks for your advice and support ... I will try to decide asap.

Regards
Amanda


----------



## AmandaC

EleGirl said:


> Amanda!! You are not a pain. Not at all.
> 
> Is there a time that you have to wait to file for divorce after separation in India?


Thanks

I am sorry, I missed your reply there. Yes, we require to separate atleast for an year before filing for divorce.


----------



## EleGirl

AmandaC said:


> Thanks
> 
> I am sorry, I missed your reply there. Yes, we require to separate atleast for an year before filing for divorce.


Do you think that you would feel less guilt if you were divorced? It would seem you would as you would no longer have any sense of obligation to him.


----------



## AmandaC

EleGirl said:


> Do you think that you would feel less guilt if you were divorced? It would seem you would as you would no longer have any sense of obligation to him.


Yes, I think so... Maybe he will be able to move on without me.

Regards
Amanda


----------



## mcmc

Amanda,

First thing - welcome to my world of pain and then hope.

I am a 33 year old indian woman, educated and lived in uk for 10 years before relocating to US due to an arranged marriage. I am a mother of a lovely 3 year old, good career and yet I am one confused person who to be honest, I dont know how to deal with.

My marriage was doomed since the first day of the celebration, and as how indians do, you see your parents bending back to give you the best they can afford. The reasons I felt it doomed was because things were not right from day one.

I had hoped that things would change but it only got worse. I made many attempts to go back to europe because India was not an option. The idea of disappointing parents, social ostracism weight really heavily and every time i tried I couldnt leave thinking of my parents. And one day, I found out I was 18 weeks pregnant. It was shock to everyone and to me the biggest deal - how did I not know for so long, I still cannot believe in what kind of daze was I that I ignored myself completely for so long (which could have potentially affect my child). Motherhood is supposed to one of the beautiful things in life and I really believed I have worked hard all my life and wanted to enjoy being a mother for the first time. 

I have heard somewhere, the biggest risk and investment you take is the person you marry. That is very very true. You can build a career, be a reasonably good person but life is so much harder if you marry wrong.

My in-laws moved in and things just became bad to worse. From previous emotional abuse it led to physical violence. I had to tell my parents about this when things became worse. The first time, there was physical violence, people whom I trusted my mother and brother totally turned against me saying i would have done something wrong and I need to put my family together. The subsequent weekend another such incident happened... it wouldnt stop. To make a long story short - I know we are a mis-match and had I not had the child, leaving would just be a matter of taking a bag and walking out. i would rather live homeless than live through it again. Now that my lovely, happy daughter is there, it makes things much harder but I think there is still hope. I really never knew, becoming mother is so empowering. I may not marry again and probably struggle financially but I wouldnt let my daughter grow up in a toxic situation. Now tell me what is worse - your parents constantly worried about you whilst you are in your bad marriage or accepting that their daughter is divorced, single and happy. You still have lots of hope/options, you can still meet a new guy and have a family, you can adopt and have a wonderful enriching relationship. Forget the idea of being a divorcee - just forget that word for now. 

As for me... I still dont know how to leave thou the idea is more stronger now. I am scared - yes and so I look for support.


----------



## AmandaC

Hi
I am sorry to know about you. Well, I understand what you are saying. I just battle with my conscience everyday and the moment i hear my mother's voice at the other end of the phone i get very weak. She has endured to see me go through bad marraiges twice and I am the eldest, I have 3 younger siblings.

You can imagine how difficult it must be for me... I am here in India all by myself. My parents have educated me, despite of the conservative society i live in. And I just feel so obliged towards them as I havent made them happy 

I don't even have a kid do that they can tell the society that I do. People (Relatives) keep on asking about me here. They have to struggle so much for me. 

About my husband, yes he has not been nice to me before, but now he promises to be better. However, neither do i trust him nor do I love him. Also, he has never filed for my settlement, he was always worried that I will go away with someone. I have been in live-in relationship with him before for 2 years, then why would he always doubt on me? 

I just want to come to a decision soon.

I wish you well and I would suggest you to take a decision asap. So that you can start on your own with your lovely daughter.

Keep posting!


----------



## mcmc

What are you talking about Amanda ?

Education and progress is the by-word in India these days. To be honest I see lot more youth in India more aggressive/ambitious. Infact by current Indian standards I feel I am really really old-fashioned and I seem to age by the minute there.

I can related to what you are saying about your parents and how your conscience pricks. But look at it this way... sometimes its the matter of perception. How alone are you is also a matter of perception.. Weigh what is right and what keeps you safe, healthy and happy. In my experience, a man/woman doesnt change much and a spouse's job is not to change, furthermore you cant. Change only comes from within when one decides they want to change.

You talk about being alone - I realised that relocating to US, I became isolated. I have no friends of my own (mostly indian community here), all friends we had were his. Now when some of the sordid tale has come out, i am the "bad-woman". In my brightest moment - I dont care what "n" number of people think but we all have ups and downs. And when down, it hurts.. terribly.

Also I believe, having a child is easy but as mother's we are solely responsible to ensure safety, health and happiness of our children. Being a responsible parent is paramount to anything. Being a parent is the greatest joy amidst all the pain but I would trade with any amount of singledom-loneliness/any hardship if it helps not causing my child any pain of any kind. But then, hindsight is twenty-twenty.


----------



## mcmc

And btw, i stayed in marriage because I have a sibling and her marriage potential depended on "how good a family we were". A divorced elder sister would have driven the cartloads away in a real hurry.

And where did that get me ? 

Its ok to be selfish sometimes and also I think your siblings can manage on their own merit.


----------



## AmandaC

Hi

I am just trying to be selfish now. However, I can say that I respect myself more than what I did before.

Regards
Amanda


----------



## AmandaC

mcmc said:


> What are you talking about Amanda ?
> 
> Education and progress is the by-word in India these days. To be honest I see lot more youth in India more aggressive/ambitious. Infact by current Indian standards I feel I am really really old-fashioned and I seem to age by the minute there.
> 
> I can related to what you are saying about your parents and how your conscience pricks. But look at it this way... sometimes its the matter of perception. How alone are you is also a matter of perception.. Weigh what is right and what keeps you safe, healthy and happy. In my experience, a man/woman doesnt change much and a spouse's job is not to change, furthermore you cant. Change only comes from within when one decides they want to change.
> 
> You talk about being alone - I realised that relocating to US, I became isolated. I have no friends of my own (mostly indian community here), all friends we had were his. Now when some of the sordid tale has come out, i am the "bad-woman". In my brightest moment - I dont care what "n" number of people think but we all have ups and downs. And when down, it hurts.. terribly.
> 
> Also I believe, having a child is easy but as mother's we are solely responsible to ensure safety, health and happiness of our children. Being a responsible parent is paramount to anything. Being a parent is the greatest joy amidst all the pain but I would trade with any amount of singledom-loneliness/any hardship if it helps not causing my child any pain of any kind. But then, hindsight is twenty-twenty.


Hi, 

I just read your last post and missed this one. Sorry about that. I know what you are saying. 

I am just worried that my parents who have 3 younger kids then me, if something goes wrong with any of theirs marital life (they are not married yet), they will be completely shattered.

My second brother doesnt seem to be very happy with his fiancee either. That worries my parents too. They say that for me they have taken all the crap from the society.

What if my brother also has to go through a break up?

This makes me feel all the more guilty  I feel i could have adjusted somehow and made my parents happy.

Regards, 
Amanda


----------



## AmandaC

AmandaC said:


> Hi,
> 
> I just read your last post and missed this one. Sorry about that. I know what you are saying.
> 
> I am just worried that my parents who have 3 younger kids then me, if something goes wrong with any of theirs marital life (they are not married yet), they will be completely shattered.
> 
> My second brother doesnt seem to be very happy with his fiancee either. That worries my parents too. They say that for me they have taken all the crap from the society.
> 
> What if my brother also has to go through a break up?
> 
> This makes me feel all the more guilty  I feel i could have adjusted somehow and made my parents happy.
> 
> Regards,
> Amanda


Hi Elegirl,

Can you please give yoursuggestion on my above post?


----------



## EleGirl

Hello Amanda,

I can see the pressure you are under. Mcmc’s posts make that even clearer. But like she says, India is getting more and more progressive these days.
If your second brother is not happy with his fiancée then he should make a choice that will make them both happier. Surely she will also not be happy with a man who is not happy with her.

And then you see the pressure will be off of you… sorry I know that is a bit self-serving way to look at things but it’s true. You have paved the way in your family for your brothers and sisters to look at life in a way that will help them take care of themself. In my way of thinking that is good.

I believe very much in marriage. But I believe that both husband and wife should treat each other with great respect and love. And when the respect and love do not exist the marriage is not good for anyone. So I think you are a good example.


----------



## EleGirl

Mcmc,

I am sorry to hear of your situation. Are you still being abused by your husband and his family? Are you aware of the help available in the USA for abused women?


----------



## AmandaC

EleGirl said:


> Hello Amanda,
> 
> I can see the pressure you are under. Mcmc’s posts make that even clearer. But like she says, India is getting more and more progressive these days.
> If your second brother is not happy with his fiancée then he should make a choice that will make them both happier. Surely she will also not be happy with a man who is not happy with her.
> 
> And then you see the pressure will be off of you… sorry I know that is a bit self-serving way to look at things but it’s true. You have paved the way in your family for your brothers and sisters to look at life in a way that will help them take care of themself. In my way of thinking that is good.
> 
> I believe very much in marriage. But I believe that both husband and wife should treat each other with great respect and love. And when the respect and love do not exist the marriage is not good for anyone. So I think you are a good example.


Thank you, Elegirl,

I never thought in that way. I get so much of strength from your advice. I am just taking some more time. But soon will be deciding on this.

I will keep you posted.

Take Care 
Regards,
Amanda


----------



## mcmc

Hello Ela,

I know there are support groups here in US and the society is more accepting. Its a slightly more complicated and I guess its difficult to accept (atleast for me) that (I hate the term victim as I never considered myself so and actually thought I was lot stronger) these things happened to me.

Right not the situation is impasse. We have a cold silence at home. I dont think he will raise his hand again - I had to call the cops because of severe injuries and that was quite intimidating to him and his family. However this is cultural unacceptable and to me I couldnt let him go through it so I did help him get out of the legal situation. Also I do realise, come what may, my daughter needs her father. In an ideal situation (I detest confrontation and conflict) I hope that we will be civil to eachother (post-divorce) such that it doesnt affect my daughter negatively. I would obviously never tell her about all this and I hope her father will be positive influence in her life. 

Earlier he would give this silent treatment and my world would collapse, now I just withdraw. My career was severely compromised but now I pay more attention to it simply because; both my daughter's and my daughter's financial future depends on it. 

The pressure obviously by way of culture/family is intense and I just wish sometimes the whole world will shutdown and I have a moment to think.

Thank you


----------



## AmandaC

Hi mcmc,

I have the same sort of feeling.. as you do... However, I can imagine that you would be going thru lot more turmoil than me as you are still in that home.. I pray god gives you all the courage, you just need a bit more courage, thats all... 

Regards,
Amanda


----------



## AmandaC

Hi Elegirl,

I was just watching this movie "Unfaithful" last night. And it was making me feel so bad... that I did also cheat on him, although I was not having a physical affair but an online affair with a guy. Does it mean I have to go back to him to pay for it as a repentance? 

When he must have come to know about my chatting he must have also felt very much hurt... I keep thinking about this too...

He still keeps calling... Please advice...

Regards,
Amanda


----------



## AmandaC

Hi Elegirl,

How are you? I was waiting for your reply... 

Many regards,
Amanda


----------



## EleGirl

Hi Amanda,

You when he found out that you were in an EA it hurt him. But no you do not need to go back to him to pay repentance. 

Repentance is given to God, not to someone who abused you. Even if he had been a wonderful husband and he had treated you well, going back for the purpose of paying repentance makes no sense. No loving man would want his back because she wants/needs repentance. That is not loe. That is actually self-serving and using him in an attempt to get repentance and hence forgiveness from not only him but from God.

You both deserve better. You both deserve to be with someone who loves you. But you do not love him. And he mistreats you. So you cannot give him the love that he wants. Until he learns to treat a wife with respect and love he will not find anyone to love him, but that his problem, not yours.

From what you have said about him, you will not find love or forgiveness from him. You will only find more abuse. And it will be worse if you move back with him.

Are you still answering the phone when he calls? If you really do not want to talk to him you could block his number. That way you will not know if he’s calling. Then send him a letter/email telling him that you do not care to talk to him anymore… if you are at the point where you don’.t The longer you have communications with him, the longer you will be in this state of indecisiveness,. mixed feelings and guilt.


----------



## AmandaC

EleGirl said:


> Hi Amanda,
> 
> You when he found out that you were in an EA it hurt him. But no you do not need to go back to him to pay repentance.
> 
> Repentance is given to God, not to someone who abused you. Even if he had been a wonderful husband and he had treated you well, going back for the purpose of paying repentance makes no sense. No loving man would want his back because she wants/needs repentance. That is not loe. That is actually self-serving and using him in an attempt to get repentance and hence forgiveness from not only him but from God.
> 
> You both deserve better. You both deserve to be with someone who loves you. But you do not love him. And he mistreats you. So you cannot give him the love that he wants. Until he learns to treat a wife with respect and love he will not find anyone to love him, but that his problem, not yours.
> 
> From what you have said about him, you will not find love or forgiveness from him. You will only find more abuse. And it will be worse if you move back with him.
> 
> Are you still answering the phone when he calls? If you really do not want to talk to him you could block his number. That way you will not know if he’s calling. Then send him a letter/email telling him that you do not care to talk to him anymore… if you are at the point where you don’.t The longer you have communications with him, the longer you will be in this state of indecisiveness,. mixed feelings and guilt.


Hi Elegirl,

Sorry, I just logged in at home now as my net was down. Although, I did read your post at work, but couldn't reply.

Many thanks for your advice. Yes, it does make sense to me now. I certainly do not love him b'coz of the behavior that he has shown. 

I understand what you are saying. I think I should stop taking his calls. I am just praying god to find all the strength to do this.

And yes, i understand that I have to ask for repentance from god and not him.

Thanks a lot for your support. I will keep you posted.

Regards,
Amanda


----------



## AmandaC

Hi Uptown,

I will appreciate if you post it here. I did try to reply to you, however your inbox was full.

Regards,
Amanda


----------



## Uptown

Amanda, I just read your entire thread. I agree with the excellent advice given you by EleGirl, Sisters, and others. You are describing a man who is unable to trust. He didn't trust you the first time you went to live with him in the UK. And he didn't trust you the second time you went there. Most likely, he is incapable of trusting himself or any other person. 

There therefore is virtually no chance at all that he is going to trust you if you go back for a third visit. I mention this because trust is the foundation on which all marriages and friendships must be built. Absent trust, there is no basis on which to build the relationship.

Your H's only chance for having to confront his issues and learning to control them is for him to suffer the logical consequences of his own selfish, distrustful behavior. The logical consequences, of course, are for him to live his life without friends, without his two brothers, and without a wife. 

If you were to protect him from suffering most of those consequences by returning to him, you would be destroying that opportunity -- perhaps his only opportunity -- to face his issues and start to grow up. In that way, you would be harming him by enabling him to continue behaving like a spoiled child and get away with it.

Incidentally, I believe you are so fortunate to have attracted the attention of EleGirl. She has given you advice that, in my opinion, is very wise and insightful. (P.S. -- I have cleaned up my mailbox.)


----------



## AmandaC

Uptown said:


> Amanda, I just read your entire thread. I agree with the excellent advice given you by EleGirl, Sisters, and others. You are describing a man who is unable to trust. He didn't trust you the first time you went to live with him in the UK. And he didn't trust you the second time you went there. Most likely, he is incapable of trusting himself or any other person.
> 
> There therefore is virtually no chance at all that he is going to trust you if you go back for a third visit. I mention this because trust is the foundation on which all marriages and friendships must be built. Absent trust, there is no basis on which to build the relationship.
> 
> Your H's only chance for having to confront his issues and learning to control them is for him to suffer the logical consequences of his own selfish, distrustful behavior. The logical consequences, of course, are for him to live his life without friends, without his two brothers, and without a wife.
> 
> If you were to protect him from suffering most of those consequences by returning to him, you would be destroying that opportunity -- perhaps his only opportunity -- to face his issues and start to grow up. In that way, you would be harming him by enabling him to continue behaving like a spoiled child and get away with it.
> 
> Incidentally, I believe you are so fortunate to have attracted the attention of EleGirl. She has given you advice that, in my opinion, is very wise and insightful. (P.S. -- I have cleaned up my mailbox.)


Hi Uptown,

Thank you so much for your advice. I understand what you mean. I am now very sure of what to do next. 

Yes, Elegirl has been most wonderful. And I cannot thank her or other supporters enough. She has always been there to reply even to my silliest questions. 

I am still taking some time to gather courage for the next step. However, I am almost certain now, that i have to let him go 

I thank you a lot for your advice. I feel so clear and relieved after talking to all of you. 

Thank you for cleaning up your mailbox, It will soon become full again from people in similar situation as mine seeking your advice 

I look forward to reading from you on other posts too!

God bless you! Will keep you posted.

Regards,
Amanda


----------



## EleGirl

Hello Amanda,

Are you still around? How's it going?


----------



## AmandaC

Hi Elegirl,


Thank you for checking on me. 


I am still here. Its going ok. He is calling a lot these days and I still have pressure from parents and society. He keeps promising to be better and behaves very nicely.

I really dont know what to do anymore. My mom keeps on telling me that now if he is better why dont i go back to give him a chance.

He has shifted to a bigger house now. And says that its coz of me. 
I dont know what to do... I am sorry, there is still tremendous guilt in me. I am sorry, I am not denying your advice, but unwillingly I think I should go back for my parents and him .

Thank you so much for ur concern, it feels so good to know someone really cares 

Regards,
Amanda


----------



## EleGirl

AmandaC said:


> Hi Elegirl,
> 
> 
> Thank you for checking on me.
> 
> 
> I am still here. Its going ok. He is calling a lot these days and I still have pressure from parents and society. He keeps promising to be better and behaves very nicely.
> 
> I really dont know what to do anymore. My mom keeps on telling me that now if he is better why dont i go back to give him a chance.
> 
> He has shifted to a bigger house now. And says that its coz of me.
> I dont know what to do... I am sorry, there is still tremendous guilt in me. I am sorry, I am not denying your advice, but unwillingly I think I should go back for my parents and him .
> 
> Thank you so much for ur concern, it feels so good to know someone really cares
> 
> Regards,
> Amanda


In the end you have to do what you are comfortable with. So what I, your mom, him or anyone else says you can take and think about. But in the end you have to live with the decisions you make.

If you do decide to go back with him to see if he has indeed changed, make sure you know what you want out of your marriage and him. Maybe take a look at the books linked to in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. They teach a lot about what we should all really be doing to build a good marriage. See if he will read them an agree to live by them.

I do not know how the advice in the books fit with your culture, but really it's all about respect and treating each other well. I would think that would fit any culture.

If you keep answering his calls this will go on and on. Maybe you are just not done with him. Because when we are done with someone we don't answer their calls. 

Remember it's your life. No one can tell you how to live it.


----------



## ferndog

hi amanda hope you are doing great, here's something that may help you. I feel you are getting pressured into a decision that can affect the rest of your life. Maybe tell him to stop calling you until he has changed. people don't change overnight. I was depressed for a long time and have 4 months trying to get my life in order. It's a long journey. So tell him to you need time and space to think and that his pressure is driving you away. this will give you time to think about your future. good luck you are not alone


----------



## AmandaC

EleGirl said:


> In the end you have to do what you are comfortable with. So what I, your mom, him or anyone else says you can take and think about. But in the end you have to live with the decisions you make.
> 
> If you do decide to go back with him to see if he has indeed changed, make sure you know what you want out of your marriage and him. Maybe take a look at the books linked to in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. They teach a lot about what we should all really be doing to build a good marriage. See if he will read them an agree to live by them.
> 
> I do not know how the advice in the books fit with your culture, but really it's all about respect and treating each other well. I would think that would fit any culture.
> 
> If you keep answering his calls this will go on and on. Maybe you are just not done with him. Because when we are done with someone we don't answer their calls.
> 
> Remember it's your life. No one can tell you how to live it.


Hi Elegirl,

Thank you. But i really don't look forward to building a passionate marriage.

It is just a big compromise. I do not and will never love him anymore. Its just that I don't want to feel guilty one day 

For me, it will be pretending to be happy. Of course, i will not make him feel that i am not happy. ga

It is so tiring sometimes. I just feel like giving up my life.

Regards,
Amanda


----------



## AmandaC

ferndog said:


> hi amanda hope you are doing great, here's something that may help you. I feel you are getting pressured into a decision that can affect the rest of your life. Maybe tell him to stop calling you until he has changed. people don't change overnight. I was depressed for a long time and have 4 months trying to get my life in order. It's a long journey. So tell him to you need time and space to think and that his pressure is driving you away. this will give you time to think about your future. good luck you are not alone


Thank you for your advice, Ferndog.

But its almost been 1 and a half years of seperation. And its wearing me out being in limbo.


----------



## Uptown

Amanda, I agree with EleGirl and FernDog that you should do what you are comfortable with and put the guilt aside. And I suggest you read this article at T9 Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - Columbia University, New York to see if it describes your H's behavior. It describes people who are unable to trust and are always convinced they are victims. Take care, Amanda.


----------



## AmandaC

Uptown said:


> Amanda, I agree with EleGirl and FernDog that you should do what you are comfortable with and put the guilt aside. And I suggest you read this article at T9 Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - Columbia University, New York to see if it describes your H's behavior. It describes people who are unable to trust and are always convinced they are victims. Take care, Amanda.


Thank you Uptown for taking time to advice me. I am going through the article now.

Regards,
Amanda


----------



## EleGirl

AmandaC said:


> Hi Elegirl,
> 
> Thank you. But i really don't look forward to building a passionate marriage.
> 
> It is just a big compromise. I do not and will never love him anymore. Its just that I don't want to feel guilty one day
> 
> For me, it will be pretending to be happy. Of course, i will not make him feel that i am not happy. ga
> 
> It is so tiring sometimes. I just feel like giving up my life.
> 
> Regards,
> Amanda


Amanda, there is a different way to look a this than through your guilt.

If it's true that you have no interest in building a passionate marriage with him, then you would be cruel to go back to him. Yes he's begging you to go back. But he does not seem to realize that he would have no love from you. 

It's kinder and more loving of you to set him free to find someone else who can love him. If he has truly learned and changed, then he would find someone who will love him and have a good life. 

You are not doing him a favor to return to him with the way you feel. Either find the ability to love him 100% and work an a passionate marriage with him or set him free.

I'm serious about this. The pain from a bad marriage, while the two of you are living together is far worse.

Set him free. Tell him streight out that you do not and cannot love him, you want him happy. Tell him to find a new love.


By the way, it's been 1.5 years and he has not even come to visit you? Why do you think that is?


----------



## AmandaC

EleGirl said:


> Amanda, there is a different way to look a this than through your guilt.
> 
> If it's true that you have no interest in building a passionate marriage with him, then you would be cruel to go back to him. Yes he's begging you to go back. But he does not seem to realize that he would have no love from you.
> 
> It's kinder and more loving of you to set him free to find someone else who can love him. If he has truly learned and changed, then he would find someone who will love him and have a good life.
> 
> You are not doing him a favor to return to him with the way you feel. Either find the ability to love him 100% and work an a passionate marriage with him or set him free.
> 
> I'm serious about this. The pain from a bad marriage, while the two of you are living together is far worse.
> 
> Set him free. Tell him streight out that you do not and cannot love him, you want him happy. Tell him to find a new love.
> 
> 
> By the way, it's been 1.5 years and he has not even come to visit you? Why do you think that is?


Yes, he has come to visit me once. And now he says that he would come to back here in March, just to meet me.

I know what you are saying. I am just taking some more time.

Regards,

Amanda


----------



## AmandaC

Hi Everyone,

I understand what Ele had written before. It not the right thing to pretend, I have to be true to myself.

I think i will give a whole hearted try again and see how it goes.

I will read the Articles linked, Ele. 

I will try giving him another chance... I have not decided fully yet though.
Thanks Ele and thanks everyone.

Will keep you posted.

Regards,
Amanda


----------



## warlock07

Amanda. just read your whole thread. I feel very sorry for you. From what you described, he was very emotionally abusive. Can you describe in more detail about the time you spent with him in UK ?

Can you also tell us why he was always suspicious about you leaving him? Did you happen to have a lot of guy friends and he was insecure about them? And didn't you prove him right by having an affair with a another guy? Who was this guy? A work colleague?An old friend? 

I feel you can get better advice on your situation if you can give us a more complete picture of your situation. I think you are only giving a very partial view. By doing so, you only get opinions that agree with you which wouldn't be useful at all. 

My immediate thought was that you shouldn't go back. But the more I read the more unsure I am(Now I think a good counselling session will be productive whether you get back or not. You both did mistakes). Please fill us with as many details as you can.


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## AmandaC

warlock07 said:


> Amanda. just read your whole thread. I feel very sorry for you. From what you described, he was very emotionally abusive. Can you describe in more detail about the time you spent with him in UK ?
> 
> Can you also tell us why he was always suspicious about you leaving him? Did you happen to have a lot of guy friends and he was insecure about them? And didn't you prove him right by having an affair with a another guy? Who was this guy? A work colleague?An old friend?
> 
> I feel you can get better advice on your situation if you can give us a more complete picture of your situation. I think you are only giving a very partial view. By doing so, you only get opinions that agree with you which wouldn't be useful at all.
> 
> My immediate thought was that you shouldn't go back. But the more I read the more unsure I am(Now I think a good counselling session will be productive whether you get back or not. You both did mistakes). Please fill us with as many details as you can.


Hi Warlock,

Thank you for your concern. I cannot reveal all the details here.

coz some i need to keep confidential as i am just scared that he might be reading the posts.

I am sending you and Ele a private message, as she also doesnt know many things.

My post will be a little long, but please go through it as I really need your help.

Regards,
Amanda


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## AmandaC

Hi Warlock,

I have sent you a detailed message. And I have also sent you another message detailing the timelines. 

Waiting for your reply.

Regards,
Amanda


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## AmandaC

Hello Warlock, Ele, Uptown,

Was hoping to get your reply ....on my P.M.

Sorry for bothering 

Regards, 
Amanda


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## Halien

Amanda,

I've read your thread and I'm so sorry for the difficult situation. From the outset, I have to say that I agree 100% with what Ele has told you. Please, please, please do not confuse God's will with your parent's will, the will of your culture, or your husband. It appears so obvious that your husband wants you for incredibly selfish reasons. You've said over ten times in your posts that he has nobody but you, and he is afraid of losing you BECAUSE he would be alone. If he had God's love in his heart, he would tell you that he has learned to cherish you as Jesus cherished his followers. Not saying that he would use those words, but he would be telling you that your presence alone, and not your income or ability to provide children, are the reason that he wants you. These other things he wants would pale in comparison to spending his life with you, do you understand?? Sure, if you press the topic, he might say that this is really what he wants, but my point is that this focus on you as a person would've been there all along.

I have a couple of things to add:

You are very concerned about God's will in your life. You wonder if his will is for you to return and be loyal to your husband. You want to make your parents happy, and think that this is part of God's will.

I am not Catholic, and come from a different culture, but I look at it differently. Its just my opinion. You TRIED to follow God's will through your parents. Both marriages had no Godly love within them. How can this be God's will? My opinion is that now that you are a strong, mature woman, you can tell everyone in your life that from now on, you will follow God's will as he speaks to your heart. I know that you mentioned wanting to avoid marriage, but hypothetically, before you married either man, God's will for you, if you listened to him within your heart, would put you in a marriage to a man who valued you, and loved you deeply. To me, the fact that you were placed in such tragic marriages was evidence that you were following the will of other people, and not God. As I said, others will disagree. God gave you intelligence, strength, and a compassionate heart, so I find it hard to believe that he would tell you to put all of that aside and let others decide his will for you.

Lastly, you have to come to a place where you know what you believe, in my opinion. Put culture aside. Put the selfish interests of a husband aside. Does God want you to open your heart to a marriage with the right man? Does he want you to live in India, or another country? What does God want Amanda to do? I think that only Amanda can decide this. And your parents should be very proud of a daughter who is boldly following the path of her own heart, trusting that this is also how God speaks to you.

I had a very troubled childhood. For me, I had to learn to use my heart and my faith to guide me, because I had nothing else to go on. But I've mentioned in other posts that half of my ancestors were Native American. Its hard to say that my faith is like anybody elses, because it is a blend of both sides. My grandmother was a very spiritual native american, and she told us that the one thing that is universal in both religions is that the only real important thing in our life is how we impact others. This is one thing I don't think you've really had a chance to consider. If you return to your husband, and he chose to treat you like he did the last time, the impact of your life on others may be primarily only through your children. Nothing is more important than this, I agree, but if you choose instead to follow a path that leads you to a relationship with someone who wants you to be free to grow as a woman, you can touch so many lives, even beyond your children.

Sorry for such a long reply.

I really wish that God will grant you wisdom in your decision.


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## AmandaC

Hi Halien,

I am so glad that you did take out time to type a reply which was so deep and thoughtful. 

Thank you so much. I understand that if i return I may just impact his life and maybe lives of my children. But by staying free or with someone who respects me I maybe able to do much more.

I think I am getting closer to t decision.


Thank you again! 

God Bless you!

Many Regards,
Amanda


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

hello amanda,

just to get this out of the way, your having the affair was completely unacceptable, no two ways about that.

personally i think that after a break up there should be consideration of trying to repair a relationship unless due to abuse or infidelity.
you gave him that second chance by going back to him.
i think if he were going to change then he would have after losing you the first time. he should have realized that you were willing to walk away from that type of relationship.

he did not change.

now he wants you to stay at home and not work.
he wants you to have children with him.

all of this is to make you and keep you more dependent on him.
all to have as much control over you as possible.

this looks like a very bad situation only to get worse once he has all that extra control over you.

you have commented on here many times you have no love for him. you have commented many times you do not want to return to him.

i think you know exactly what you want to do.

i think you need to act for yourself in this situation.
not your parents or your uncertainty towards your religion or for society, but for your best interest.

at least you have no children with him to be dragging through this mess.

i think you have gotten lots of good advice from elegirl as well as others.

i think its time you follow your heart on this and do what is best for you.

you already know in your heart what that is.

tell your mother you do not want to hear any more from her on this subject, you are a big girl and you know what is best for you and your happiness.

NO MORE PHONE CALLS FROM HIM!!!!!

good luck to you on this.


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## AmandaC

Hi,

Thank you for your advice, I do understand what you are saying. And yes, I constantly feel guilty about that affair, otherwise there was no point in starting this thread, it would have been crystal clear for me to leave him.

Thank you for your advice. I will decide soon.

Regards,
Amanda


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## AmandaC

sricky9900 said:


> It may be very tough decision for you. But if you will ask me, i will say he you should stay as independent life. He can do this again with you. So, it's better if you will start a new life and stay away from your past..


Thank you so much. I am just going through the article.

God Bless.

Regards,
Amanda


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## morituri

EleGirl said:


> I believe very much in marriage. But I believe that both husband and wife should treat each other with great respect and love. And when the respect and love do not exist the marriage is not good for anyone. So I think you are a good example.


:iagree:

I loved my ex-wife beyond measure but when I discovered a video of her and the OM having sex, my world was shattered beyond words. As much as my ex-wife was remorseful and hysterically begged me on her hands and knees not to leave her, I knew that no matter how great my love for her was, in order for me to recover, I would have to divorce her - one of the most painful decisions I have made in my life.

Why do I bring my story up? Because for a marriage to be viable and healthy there must exist *love, trust and respect*. If one of these is missing, the marriage is headed for the grave. We have to make decisions that may be painful in the short run but beneficial in the long run. I pray that you can see what is beneficial for YOU in the long run.


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## AmandaC

Thank you Morituri,

I do understand about trust, love and respect to be present in a relationship.

Regards,
Amanda


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## AmandaC

Hello Ele and All,

I tried putting some of terns and conditions today before him like me having a seperate savings account for one and he more or less agreed to each one of them...

Just makes me wonder... has he really changed for better???

Regards,
Amanda


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