# Wife left me 3 weeks and her is why "Please Help"



## correal (Oct 29, 2012)

*Wife left me 3 weeks ago and here is why "Please Help"*

My situation is very complex. First, I have been together with mi wife for 6 years and we have been married for almost 2 years. I have known my wife since we were kids. The reason why I am writing here is because she left me 3 weeks ago today. To explain he reasons for leaving, I will write short summary of our life.

I have been very possessive and manipulative, I have also try to separate her from her family, mistake that I truly regret. My wife she said that she was becoming someone else and she was not happy. I don’t smoke or have any bad habits and I have been loyal to her since day one, but I have been very jealous. Essentially, she got tired of everything and gave up.

Before you guys think I am a horrible husband, here is my story. I am 28 years old and my wife is 23. I have a 9-year son with a previous relationship; my wife truly loves my son. I have joint custody of my son, and he spends half of the week with me and the other half with his mom.

My wife moved to the States from Colombia and left her family to come live with me. She did not have anyone here and I was her everything. I took her to school very early pick her up take her to work and I began to give up many things to please her. I gave up friends and even work so she would be happy and not go back to Colombia. At that time, we were living at my parent’s house and we stayed there for 2 years until she began to have problems with my mom. My mom always wanted to raise my son and we were forming a family and we got tired of that. She moved to friends house for about 4 months until I got everything straight to purchase our house. 

Soon after, we moved to our new house and life was beautiful. I helped her get a much better job at the bank and she was doing better financially. We both go to school and are almost done. We had our casual fights mostly because she did not like my job as Realtor since I am paid based on commission. I was also not as interested in my job as much, just to be around her. Another main factor that contributed to worsen the relationship was because her sister moved in with us. The sister came from Colombia to live here. 
First, I took her sister everywhere and we helped her get a good job, but I heard her talking bad things about me with her family and I felt betrayed. She did not contribute financially to our house and I had many arguments with my wife. At the end she was just paying 50 dollars a week. The sister always said that my wife was living a boring life, but we had a family and always did things with my son the days we had him. I do want to mention that the sister loves my son very much as well. This is basically my situation.

I am aware of my problems and I have been working on them for a long time, my wife even said that she was really proud of me for working hard. Anyhow, it looks life she never believed in my change because it has been 3 weeks since she left me. I moved back to my parent’s house and she is living at my old house with her sister. For the first 2 weeks a begged and pleased implored her to come back. Now, it has been 3 days since I talk to her. I do talk to her sister as we workout together. Her sister told me that my wife is really happy and she is becoming herself again. Since the separation, I have had an spiritual awakening and I found God in my life, I know it’s hard to believe but I feel peace in my heart and I feel that I can offer her a more sincere relationship. Also, I am starting my own business with my best friend I am trying to focus on my son and myself. At this point, she has not signed the divorce papers, but she told me to forget about her, because she does not wan to be with me at this point and she does not know about how she will feel in the future. My question is should I move on or wait for her. I am trying the 180 but I feel that I love her too much to give up on my marriage. I can truly offer her a much better life not. I hope its not too late. Should I move on or wait for a sign.


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## correal (Oct 29, 2012)

I know is a long story! Any help will be greatly appreciated. Also, I called her tonight because I saw her sister at the gym=( didn't beg my wife, just talked about her work.Unfortunately,I did told the sister how much I still love my wife and how miserable I felt.


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## correal (Oct 29, 2012)

Anyone have a wise advise for me? Thanks!


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## Dubya (Oct 2, 2012)

Paragraphs. Ive tried to read it twice. The giant wall of text is just too much.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

*Re: Wife left me 3 weeks ago and here is why "Please Help"*



correal said:


> My situation is very complex.
> 
> First, I have been together with her for 6 years and we have been married for almost 2 years. I have know my wife since we were kids. The reason why I am writing here is because she left me 3 weeks ago today. To explain he reasons for leaving, I will write short summary of our life and ups and downs.
> 
> ...


Broke your story into paragraphs to read it better.

All i can suggest is keep trying if you want to, but if she is just not into you it's hard to turn things around. Sorry I can't offer more.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Thanks Wazza.

OP, sounds like you are lucky you have not invested further in her. I suggest you do continue building on your life and move forward.

Realize that jealousy in and of itself is just an emotion. It is not bad or good on its own. It is there as a warning to us that our mate may not be faithful to us. So whether this jealosy is your problem or your salvation is in the details of her behavior and why you are jealous.

I am seeing some of the old nice guy in you and blaming yourself. But ne we cannot tell from what you have provided. I think you were being used.

That said, focus on your self esteem. Easy for me to say but I would let her go. She may not have been ready for marriage. I personally would not wait on anyone who left me. Either they stay and work on things or they have left. I will not be second choice.

This is not the woman you were looking for.


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## correal (Oct 29, 2012)

*Re: Wife left me 3 weeks ago and here is why "Please Help"*

Thank you for taking the time to brake it down, and sorry for the long post. I do want to try, but she has isolated from everyone, she does not want to hear an advise from anyone. what do I do?


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## correal (Oct 29, 2012)

I understand she may have not been ready for marriage, but she was the one who insisted on us getting married. I believe she still loves me. The problem was that I was controlling much of her life. Do you guys think is too late. I do not want to loose her.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

correal said:


> I understand she may have not been ready for marriage, but she was the one who insisted on us getting married. I believe she still loves me. The problem was that I was controlling much of her life. Do you guys think is too late. I do not want to loose her.


So you keep bringing up those hot buzz words. You know, jealous and controlling. Next comes insecure. Have you been posting on other forums and are being called these things? Whatup?

Is that what you really want to discuss? 

Do you want us to explicitly ask you what it was she was wanting to do that you were jealous about? How were you being controlling? If so then just spill it out.

The bottomline if you felt the nedd to be jealous or even controlling then that is how you felt. Why is this all on you?

If she loved you enough she would have stayed.


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## correal (Oct 29, 2012)

Good question,
I was controlling mostly on every aspect of the relationship. I do consider myself as insecure. I always wanted her to be around me and my son. when we went out, I dint like her drinking much because she started acting a bit too crazy, but never disrespected me. I would get mad over her not calling me during the day or stupid things like her going shopping with her sister. She works and goes to school and she was tired most of the time. That is basically why she left.


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

Your best bet is to focus on your business and kid. Ignore her, and act happy when you are around her. Even if you have to fake it


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

correal said:


> Good question,
> I was controlling mostly on every aspect of the relationship. I do consider myself as insecure. I always wanted her to be around me and my son. when we went out, I dint like her drinking much because she started acting a bit too crazy, but never disrespected me. I would get mad over her not calling me during the day or stupid things like her going shopping with her sister. She works and goes to school and she was tired most of the time. That is basically why she left.


Does not seem like anything to break up about. I get you not wanting her to get too crazy when drinking. Why would you get upset about her going shopping with her sister? The amount of communication during a given day varies with couples. I rarely am able to call my wife during the day frankly. That said I probably should do so more often. If you are obsessive about knowing everything she is doing then I would wonder why?

All this said, do some soul searching and move your life ahead. Next time you get into a relationship select someone you can trust more. Then live that trust. Transparency is great by the way. Nothing wrong with that.

She may have been a tad too young for you.


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## correal (Oct 29, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Does not seem like anything to break up about. I get you not wanting her to get too crazy when drinking. Why would you get upset about her going shopping with her sister? The amount of communication during a given day varies with couples. I rarely am able to call my wife during the day frankly. That said I probably should do so more often. If you are obsessive about knowing everything she is doing then I would wonder why?
> 
> All this said, do some soul searching and move your life ahead. Next time you get into a relationship select someone you can trust more. Then live that trust. Transparency is great by the way. Nothing wrong with that.
> 
> She may have been a tad too young for you.



I was always too controlling, and I would get mad if she went out with her sister instead of spending time with me and and my son. Also, I am obsessive over her, but i don't really have a good reason that's just the way i dealt with my relationships and I am tired of always being this way. Thank you for your comments. I am working on myself and I stated earlier I have found a my spiritual side and I feel much better to deal with my situation.


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## correal (Oct 29, 2012)

I started therapy, I am working on myself and I was doing pretty good until I decided to check on my wife through her mom. Her mother told me that my wife is really determined and that I should move on. She also said that it would be ideal if things work out, but my wife does not want to try. My questions is, should I move on, or wait for a miracle? I know i need to stop contacting her family because that kills me. I also see her sister at the gym and I am going to start avoiding her as well. I have been doing the 180, but I see no sign of hope, she does not call me or anything. Not having a food day so far any help?


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## Dubya (Oct 2, 2012)

Keep doing the 180, but better. Your best chance to get her back is to let her go.. I know, sounds cliche...

But really, just be a good version of you and let her worry about her. If you two get back together, then so be it. Don't going chasing someone that is checked out though. very counter productive.

By the way... The sign of hope you are looking for with the 180 has more to do with how you feel about yourself and less to do with whether or not she is calling you.


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## correal (Oct 29, 2012)

Dubya said:


> Keep doing the 180, but better. Your best chance to get her back is to let her go.. I know, sounds cliche...
> 
> But really, just be a good version of you and let her worry about her. If you two get back together, then so be it. Don't going chasing someone that is checked out though. very counter productive.
> 
> By the way... The sign of hope you are looking for with the 180 has more to do with how you feel about yourself and less to do with whether or not she is calling you.


Great point,

I feel that she checked out! I also believe that she is living a less responsible life and that is the main reason for her not coming back. I don't think the 180 will get her back, but I need to find myself back and move on. Any suggestions on moving on? anything, I am willing to try.


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## ilou (Oct 25, 2012)

Take jiu-jitsu


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## correal (Oct 29, 2012)

ilou said:


> Take jiu-jitsu


I don't really like martial arts, but I am playing soccer, which has been my favorite sport all my life. Also, I am working out 4 times a week. Thank you!!


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## Michie (Aug 26, 2012)

I can read between the lines that you are feeling remorse/guilt for not "letting" your wife have more "her" time. You think that is coming back to bite you in the ass?

That may be so, some people after having family an relationship
Responsibilities suddenly get brain wave of self entitlement as if their spouse and children and purposefully been denying them
their own lives and fun and freedom.

Personally my opinion of such abandonders, is they are epitome of selfishness, I abhor them, whether daddy mid life crisis or a wife losing the baby fat, they take it those steps too far.

Don't indulge the selfish, it will poison you, and you will constantly question why you are not enough.

Or this will run its course.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## correal (Oct 29, 2012)

Michie said:


> I can read between the lines that you are feeling remorse/guilt for not "letting" your wife have more "her" time. You think that is coming back to bite you in the ass?
> 
> That may be so, some people after having family an relationship
> Responsibilities suddenly get brain wave of self entitlement as if their spouse and children and purposefully been denying them
> ...


What a great response,

You are absolutely right. It kills me that i did not give her space when I had a chance. Also, she called me today to ask about my son. We talked for a little bit, and began to discuss out marriage. I was in the same area as she was and we met for like 10 minutes. It had been about two weeks since I have seen her. She game a long hug and it felt so good. Also, I told her that I have learned from my mistake and that we deserve to live happy how we always wanted. I asked her to think about our reconciliation and she said that not know, but she will think about it. I know I need to move on and not hang on to this, but I do feel good. Also, I told her to tell me in front of me if she didn't love me. She said that it wasn't about that. Any, input guys I will greatly appreciate it.


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## correal (Oct 29, 2012)

After seeing her yesterday, I feel the need to call her again. I actually did call her today twice already. I told her to put a balance of the good things about the relationship and she said that she is going to think about it. I think if I keep calling, I am going to drive her away again. Anyways, I am going to continue with the 180 and work on myself. Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated.


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## Dubya (Oct 2, 2012)

Please avoid the situation where she knows she can come back to you easily. It gives her permission to keep you in limbo while she figures out what she wants.

Make yourself a bit more unreachable and dont talk about the relationship as much.


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## correal (Oct 29, 2012)

Dubya said:


> Please avoid the situation where she knows she can come back to you easily. It gives her permission to keep you in limbo while she figures out what she wants.
> 
> Make yourself a bit more unreachable and dont talk about the relationship as much.


Dubya,

I know I need to avoid the situation, but its extremely hard for me. If I do not call her I feel better, but once I start calling I start feeling horrible. I want to hang on to a hope even though I shouldn't. It has been over a month now, and I seem to feel the same way all the time. I have my good and bad days, but I miss her so much.  I am back to the 18O and I feel that I lost ground since I started calling her yesterday. Can Anyone tell me what I should do. Thanks guys!


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

correal said:


> Dubya,
> 
> I know I need to avoid the situation, but its extremely hard for me. If I do not call her I feel better, but once I start calling I start feeling horrible. I want to hang on to a hope even though I shouldn't. It has been over a month now, and I seem to feel the same way all the time. I have my good and bad days, but I miss her so much.  I am back to the 18O and I feel that I lost ground since I started calling her yesterday. Can Anyone tell me what I should do. Thanks guys!


you said it yourself, you don't call her and you feel better. you do call her and feel horrible. So make a choice, feel better or feel horrible!


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## Dubya (Oct 2, 2012)

MSC71 said:


> you said it yourself, you don't call her and you feel better. you do call her and feel horrible. So make a choice, feel better or feel horrible!


Took the words righteous of my mouth.

Listen, Correal, here comes some lumber. It's obvious, it's right in your face. You have seen how it works and experienced it. Yet you still ask what you do:

Neediness leads to pain and Limbo, let's her stay in charge.

Focussing on yourself and what you want for a while instead of her lets you think more clearly, be happier no matter what happens and gives you the best chance at getting her back.

It hurts, but stop second guessing yourself. If you are worried you are going to make a mistake, then err on the side of being too distant.


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## correal (Oct 29, 2012)

Dubya said:


> Took the words righteous of my mouth.
> 
> Listen, Correal, here comes some lumber. It's obvious, it's right in your face. You have seen how it works and experienced it. Yet you still ask what you do:
> 
> ...



Thank you so Much,

I just cant stop thinking abut her all day. Even if do not call her, I feel empty on my chest. How can that feeling go away? or do I just learn how to deal with it. Everyone on the board has helped me tremendously. Thanks
everyone!!!


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## correal (Oct 29, 2012)

So today has been the worst, yet the best day! Let me elaborate, she called me about a Christmas tree that belongs to my mom. I talked to her briefly and called her back afterwards and tarted talking about us, I know a big mistake. I also went to see the counselor today. Moreover, I began to tell her if she had think about the relationship and she said it was time to sign the D. I told her how she just gave up so easy. I know there is no hope for me now I just need to move on. She said that I was like a little kid and she wanted to be with a men! She stated that because I have always depended on my patents


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## RollDamnTide (Nov 19, 2012)

Correal,

hey there.

You want someone to give you an answer but we cant make you stop beating yourself up. And we cant make you stop caring for her. I just joined this group to post my own problem with my marriage. 

However, your situation takes me back 25 years to a girl I dated for 1.5 yrs. The only girl who ever broke my heart. What we have in common, Correal, is that I blamed myself (probably more deservedly than you) and I obsessed over getting her back. It did not work. I flunked out of school and spiraled into depression pretty hard. 

Today I'm doing alright. I still think the world of her. One of the top 5 people in the world, I say. But, I was not right for her and she was not right for me - she's just a great person.

Ok, back to you. You weren't being used for a visa, were you? I dont' really know how all of that works, but I'm suspcious when you said she was the one pushing marriage. And then her sister comes to live with you all.

Also, like you, I was emotionally immature. And close to my mom. And too controlling. I will think of you in prayer. And ask God to give you the wisdom and strength to see your way through this. Forgive yourself and work on you.


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## correal (Oct 29, 2012)

The latest news is that now she is upset because i told her that I felt used for all the years. She waited to leave me until she was better financially and when her sister was here to support her. Also, she just got a better paying job and I guess that makes here more secure. She does not talk to any of our mutual friends as she does not want to talk about the sepearation. Tomorrow I am going to stop by and pick up the rest of my stuff and I guess sign the D papers. After she said there wasnt any chance, I have felt 100 times better. I think I am finally letting her go. It hurt me a lot that other day when she said she wanted a man, and that i was still a little boy, but those words gave me courage to move on and focus on myself even more. Anyways, I want to thank everyone who has replied because I feel much better than I did a month a go and that is due to board being so supportive. I am still on the 180, but for my benefit.


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## correal (Oct 29, 2012)

Any advise! When does it get better? We are going to sing the papers soon!


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Have you seen the papers? Has your lawyer? 

If not, I would advise against just signing them. Protect yourself!


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## correal (Oct 29, 2012)

Hello Everyone,

My latest update is that I went to my old house last Sunday to pick up some of my stuff. She helped me pack, I hug her and sang a song to her she started crying. She said she does have feeling forwards me, but not enough to get back. She took this coming Tuesday off and we are going to court to turn in the papers. She is done for sure. I have not call her and I am trying to stay strong. I feel Much better. One thing that caught my attention is that she typed a letter stating all that I was taking, and that I was not allowed to come back later and claim anything. She even included her car, which was bought during the marriage. I told her that she must not know to well, because I am not really taking anything. Only a tv couch my stuff and my son's stuff. Anyways, I left her everything else and she is keeping the house, which was under her name. I do not really want anything, but it just hurts. I am planning on signing the divorce papers and not ever contacting her ever again. Its been 1 1/2 month since separation, and I am doing much better, but how long do you guys think it will take me to be completely over her? Thanks to everyone who has posted.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So you have actually read the divorce papers end to end and know what is in them? 

Who put the money down on the house? Is there any equity in it? You should be getting at least half of that.

I think that it's reasonable that you feel used. 

While it does sound like you might have been a bit controlling it also almost sounds like she never really planned to stay with you. She seems to have used you to get to the USA. Then brought her sister here, had you help her sister get a job, etc .. all the while planning on leaving you.

I think you are better off without her.

What have you been doing to set up a new social life for yourself?


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## correal (Oct 29, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> So you have actually read the divorce papers end to end and know what is in them?
> 
> Who put the money down on the house? Is there any equity in it? You should be getting at least half of that.
> 
> ...


Thanks For the Reply,

As far as being used to help her get to the US, that is not the case because she was born in NYC, but maybe she did use me to come here and get a better lifestyle. When I met her In Colombia, I was doing great financially. As far of getting half, I really don't care much about material stuff. I took my bed set, TV, stereo, one couch for when I get my own place with my son, and my personal belongings. The house is upside down, I work in Real Estate and I know she wont be able to sell for what she owes. But even if the house had some equity, I would not pursue after the house. I rather leave with dignity and start all over with my Son. I did help her sister, and in a way I think she has a good part in this divorce. When she moved in things were never the same. Furthermore, my lifestyle is great now. I am talking to a lot friends and having a great time. I am also starting my own business and staying really busy with the business and finishing school. I just want to know how long it will take to completely get over her. Thanks!
BTW, I was controlling, and with the help of my therapist I was able to figure where that dependency came from in my childhood. I confronted my father after years of hiding many feelings towards him. I feel really good.


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## correal (Oct 29, 2012)

So we filed for divorce yesterday, and it wasn't as bad as I imagined. Although, she was acting like she was a good friend, and asking questions like when am I going to get my own place and about my son and what he wanted for Christmas. Also, I was texting some friends that always supported me, and she kept peeking on my phone so I turn and got a little upset ! Anyways, we have the final court date for Jan 14th. I feel much better, I never taught I could do this, it's been almost 2 months since separation and I feel like I have come long ways. So for all the guys out there facing this, please keep your head up!!!


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