# Going through Hell on Christmas Eve



## mikez (Dec 25, 2009)

Hello all, and Merry Christmas to all. I have been reading through alot of posts on the site over the past few days and decided to add one to the fray. 6 months ago I discovered that my wife was having an EA with someone that I didnt know. I has felt something was going on, but one night in particular we were out friends and came home late that night. She thought I was sleeping and she was texting someone and also called him at 2am. I confronted her and she lied that she was not on the phone. I then got her phone and showed her the number she was just talking to. 

From there she fessed up that she had been talking to a guy that she had met in a bar weeks earlier while she was out with friends. Anyway, she said that she should didnt know if she wanted to be in our relationship anymore. We had been having some problems anyway and it seems most of them in her mind were due to me. I dont deny that I have been the perfect husband in things like listening to her feelings and such, but I also dont think she listens to what I have to say either. So there are definite communication problems.

Anyway, we both started to see individual counselors, which I wasnt too fond of because I didnt think we were trying to solve "our" issues. But I went along anyway. 

So in this process she was really ugly and put off by me and really didnt try to focus on us, instead focusing intently on her wishes. I dont have a problems with that and have been very supportive of her endeavors (getting a new degree). I have recognized some of the negative things that I was doing and changed them.

In all of this process I have found that she has continued contact with the OM. She has continued to lie to me face that she hasnt been texting or speaking with him. For 4 months I went on thinking that things were starting to turn around when I got an intuition that things were wrong. I went through her phone records and found that she has been talking and texting him (even on my birthday, dammit!). So I confronted her last sunday and she again lied. So I showed her the phone records.

She keeps saying that I am making a big deal out of nothing, which is complete BS. Anyway, I probably did the wrong thing this morning, and basically said that her life needs to be an open book to me if she wishes to continue this relationship. Meaning open emails, phone records, etc. I also told here that I sent a text to the guy telling him not to contact her again, or I would contact his wife and tell her what was going on. Havent heard anything from him.

So she is really pissed at me and wont talk to me tonight. She says that I am trying to control her, which is simply not the truth. I know that I can only control myself, and she is in control of herself. I just dont feel like I can trust her anymore, and dont know where to begin without feeling as if she is going to do it again.

I kind of feel pretty good though that I laid it all out on the table. I keep thinking that this may be our last Christmas together.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You did nothing wrong. You're fighting for your marriage even as your wife actively tries to wreck it.

You've drawn a line in the sand now. If she crosses it she has to go. Otherwise your life will be filled with her dishonesty forevermore.

She is so attached to this jerk she doesn't care about you. I'm not so sure she hasn't had sex with him already. If not, it is headed that way.

Hang in there.


----------



## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

Don't let her turn things around on you- you are fighting for your marriage, but it takes two to make it work... just keep being strong- she lost your trust you aren't asking to much to have her be an open book and be honest. Hope she snaps out of it and you can put your marriage back together... sorry you are going through this


----------



## justgluit (Dec 5, 2009)

Hi Mikez,
Sounds like you're in a tough spot. My heart goes out to you for your situation. For what it's worth you seem like a decent guy that probably haven't made mistakes any worse than what we ALL have made at some point in marriage. The problem is that your wife probably made the mistake of sharing your maritial problems with this other guy rather than dicussing them constructively with YOU which ultimately lead her into the EA. At least that's what I'm guessing. 
Her affair is out in the open now and it's obvious that you want her to break it off (and you should), but that's a decision that she'll have to make on her own I think. Her making that decision won't restore your trust in her by no means, but it will serve as a starting point for recovery to begin.
Her affair is nothing less than a two edged sword. She gets what she THINKS she needs, but what she's getting comes with the price of guilt for what she KNOWS is wrong. Any further fighting with you will only result in you losing more "cool points" with her and justify (in her mind) her cheating.
You have the right as well as the need to express your disappointment in her. That being said, your challenge will be seizing the right opportunity to do so. I don't think being confrontational with her right now would be beneficial for either of you at this point. You'll have an opportunity when she gets a mind to recocile. Simply put, you'll have to control (not hide) your emotions and not allow her to draw you into a fight. Through this you'll regain the power in this situation, don't give it away. 
There will be some tough challenges ahead but I believe these words will get you started on the journey to recovery.
Hang in there buddy:smthumbup:

Justgluit


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

bounce her a$$. She is a cheater. Cut her off from you accounts. If you don't have children (you didn't mention them), consider yourself lucky.


----------



## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Need to have the same counselor. I would keylogger whatever computer she has and watch that carefully. GPS tagging her car is also tempting.

She must stop contacting the OM. Just other option about it.

However there is some reason she is unhappy with you. You need to figure that out and change that asap as well.


----------



## mikez (Dec 25, 2009)

Thank you for all of the helpful replies. We have a 7 y.o. boy who is the reason that I have been working so hard to make this work. I don't want him to grow up with separate parents. Yes I have made mistakes, some being gut reaction to things she has brought up to me. I started a business a few years ago, so money has been tight, but definitely improving. She has major negative feelings for me as she blames me for not being more open to having another child via invtro procedures. This occurred three or so years ago when money was a real issue. I just could not afford 15-20K for it to be done. She also blames me for not being supportive of her going back to school, which happened around the same time. I know I wasnt supportive enough, but at that time she was bringing me things that I had no idea how to pay for them, but she was also not finding out ways to pay for them. I was a wreck at the time working 6 days per week trying to make ends meet.

I am 41 and she is 40, and I think this is part of a mid life complex she has going on. I have changed over the past 6 months. Been very supportive of her, as she is now back in school after being a stay at home mom for 7 years. 

I have done the computer spy thing with webwatcher, which at first felt good, but quickly became too much. I felt like I needed to stop it so that I could focus better on the issues affecting our marriage and not the destructive things she was doing. This in hopes that she would come to her senses about what she was doing. 

My gut is that things are too far gone to recover, and that I dont know how much more of this craziness I can take.


----------



## justgluit (Dec 5, 2009)

Hi again Mikez, 
For what its worth, Merry Christmas to you. I understand where you're coming from on the money issues. My wife often feels our money can stretch farther than it actually can as well. 
If you feel yourself running out of strength to continue on like this I think you should redirect your focus. Your energy would be better spent on something that's good for YOU rather than draining yourself trying to restrain her behavior. That's where HER energies should be focused. As my Christmas gift to you, I'm going to help you carry this burden...through prayer.
Hang in there pal!:smthumbup:


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Hey....sorry for your pain. Trust me....I know it all too well. Please don't take this the wrong way but there is not excuse for her behavior. No mid life crisis...no stress....no excuse peroid. She wants something else. It wasn't you or anything you did wrong. My husband ignored me for video games.....working out....anything but me and our kids....I never NEVER cheated. I was under tremendous stress...did all the house and yard work.....took care of 3 kids...worked and did all he needed me to do. He still ended up in an affair and though he married her two days after getting our divorce papers, he still lies and says he never cheated on me.

I know it's hard withkids.....I have 3 boys.....and I know you must really love her to put up with this crap. If she wanted to work it out...she would make her life an open book. but honestly.....cheaters are cheaters. You seem like a smart ....loving person. It is hard. I know. I truely do. This is my first christmas without my ex......and the hardest part is having to share the kids with someone who doesn't even want them...but I do. And I do it with as much class and dignity as possible.

You will be okay.....you will get through this. But you do need to call her out. Do not believe a word she says....she lost that privledge when she lied to you about this guy. It is her responsiblity to fix her self. You deserve better than that.

My heart goes out to you.....I am so sorry that you have to face this. And no matter what happens (if you work it out or not) there will be so many ups and downs that you will be sea sick. Take care of yourself....if for no other reason but for your child. And know you are in our hearts and prayers.


----------



## mikez (Dec 25, 2009)

A little update for all. She still has not spoken with me since Christmas Eve, and seems super-pissed about me calling her out. In some ways it makes me feel good, because at this point there is no backing down, and she is in a corner and will have to make some decisions. In other ways its just plain sad that we have gotten to this point. 

Her folks have been here since Christmas day, and that breaks my heart. I love them like parents because they are such good people and I have grown very close to them since I met the 15 years ago. 

Anyway, I am thinking about leaving the house for a few days to get some clarity, and to let her get some time alone as well. I think it will be good for both of us. Does anyone have any thoughts on this? I am not sure if this is the right or wrong thing to do given the circumstances. Thanks again!


----------



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Dear Mikez,
I am sorry about your pain. I know the holidays makes it even worse. I was in this position and still working through it. You did the right thing but you need to take the next steps. Clearly she is not going to, she is the passive one it sounds like, well a passive aggressive. You made the first step but you need to take the next step as well, this situation will not get better on its own. I have been there. 

My situation was much like yours and we are around the same age. My H began an EA with a woman much younger than me, and unlike you I didn't call him out. He kept it up for a long time, turned in to a PA and then flat denied it when I had evidence...600+ text messages between them each month, he lied to me about going out with a buddy, he went with the buddy but his buddy brought his wife and he brought the OW and they went to a strip club..crap like that. In fact he began to flaunt it in front of me. He told me he didnt know if he wanted to stay married to me, he was angry at me and the kids all the time, and said it was all my fault. I did not give him enough attention, cook enough,take care of the kids enough, and I worked too much (flip side is he was sitting on his butt not getting new business, his business was failing so I took on more clients to pay the mortgage! I drove the kids to/from school did 90% of their care, and worked from home but was often in my office, duh! making up for what he wasn't doing at work while he was off screwing her..ok, so my situation went further than yours. Don't let that happen. I still have a lot of scars that need healing.

When I could deny it no longer, after snooping on his computer and finding emails between them, I called him (caught him, he was at the movies with the OW) and confronted him. Rather than take responsibility over the phone he told me our marriage was over. I said "Yeah I know, you no longer live here. Do not come home, this is not your home anymore." 

I changed the locks that quick and refused to talk to him. That was a Saturday night, I had full intention of filing for divorce 8am Mon morning. In our state it can be final in less than 2 months. I was moving on. 

Until I reached that point, he refused to change his behavior. He hit rock bottom. He hit a midlife crisis and rather than work it out with me, he checked out. Blamed me, had an affair, and it spun out of control. Then he blamed me because he was depressed and angry. I had tried to help, suggested marriage counseling, he put up all the walls it sounds like your wife is putting up, so I stopped trying. 

That was a major wake up call for him. He made the biggest 180 I have ever seen, he dumped the OW in fact only feels contempt for her now and is very ashamed of his behavior. He is trying. Its been nearly a year and a half, but as I mentioned these scars run deep. Some things he broke, he actually cannot fix. But he's trying and we are really trying to build a new life. 

I wish at the earlier stage I put my foot down there, that is my biggest regret. I wish I would have told him, if you have decided to carry on a relationship that is hurting our marriage then you need to do it outside our home and we will get a formal separation. I am a new person today, he wouldn't get away with 5 minutes of that behavior now, and he knows it. He also knew then he could get away with it. Until the choice was no longer his, he played games. 

So when I say take the next step, it means take action. If you believe the marriage can be saved, start helping it by helping you. Do not engage in arguments with her, sounds like she is denying everything so don't get in to that discussion. See the counselor, it will help you. I also bought Mort Fertel's CD (advertised on this site) I tried those things and it made a huge difference (H actually began regretting the affair but didn't know how to exit it) but it made a difference in me too. I highly recommend his CD set. Then start a new interest or renew and old one. Do things with your son without her. I did little things like take my kids to feed the ducks. Wow! My cell phone would go off like crazy (I left no note, we'd just leave in the middle of the day to enjoy the peace at the park and I'd leave my cell in the car). 

This also helped my kids, they got more of mom. I couldn't make up for their Dad missing out but it helped them. It gave them a foundation. He played mind games, and walked out on me several times, but he walked out on them too. I wanted to fall apart but saw my oldest was barely hanging on so I reached down deep and I became her rock. We actually have some very nice memories during the toughest times. I am proud of who I became out of all this. 

At first I tried with my H too, not knowing he was having an A but thinking it was a case of us drifting I tried somethings. They did help but until he gave up the OW, confessed and was truly recommitted I couldn't fix it alone. I planned date nights, I did little thoughtful things for him, I reconnected with him. Later he told me that he realized how easy it would have been to fix what was really mildly wrong if he would have committed the same way I did, and just communicated. He has promised to always remain open in communication from now on. 

So take the next steps, do it for you.Do it for her. Do not put up with her not speaking to you in your own house, but do not argue. 
My suggestions are 1) Take some time away from her, but take your son too. Don't let her think that the marriage ending means she gets the house and the child. Can you take him on a father / son trip? Too bad if she doesn't like it. 2) Find a hobby / renew one, and emerse yourself in it. 3) If she continues not speaking and the EA, then tell her its time for a separation. See an attorney, it doesn't necessarily mean you leave. Frankly she should. She left the marriage. 4.) If she responds positively, then cultivate that. Plan a surprise date. Reinforce the positives in your marriage. Communicate! But don't blame, start with "I"... "I felt very hurt when I discovered that there had been calls between you and that guy" no accusations, no anger. leads no where. Better yet have these discussions with a counselor. If she will not put a foot forward to help the marriage, then its time to move on. That might mean the marriage is over as one person posted earlier, or it might be the wake up call she needs. Either way, its not a bluff, be prepared with either of these things happening. 

Just don't let her string you along. You will regret it and its also worse on your son that just having his parent's split amicably. 

I wish you the best of luck.


----------



## mikez (Dec 25, 2009)

AZMOMOFTWO, thank you so much for your advice. My problem is what steps I need to take. I am thinking about seeing an attorney first to get an idea of what I should or should not do. For example, do I find another place to live, or should she be the one to do that. I know that she will probably not leave the house, nor can I force her to do so. Which is why I am thinking about leaving. But I would also cut off most of her finances and recommend she get a job. I think the only thing that will get her attention is for us to be separated, which may bring her to her senses. If not, it will give me the indication that I made the right decision. 

I actually feel pretty good right now, and am pretty resolved that we need to seperate. I almost feel like moving out is the right thing to do, as I would like to be leaving her. I just dont want to shoot myself in the foot if a divorce is imminent. And I dont want my son to feel like I am abandoning him.


----------



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

I agree you should see an attorney. You might be able to get an order to vacate which would mean she would be forced to leave the house. You should also get temporary arrangements on custody. I know in our state its 50/50 in almost all cases but you'd still need some formal arrangements as to the scheduling, etc. I was advised in our situation not to leave. My husband left on several occasions. It showed desertion. As much as I needed to get away, I didn't as I was the one who was deserted and I always was left with the kids. I was told that would help if we were to get separated I could make a strong cases and keep the house. 

I suggest that you take a couple of steps:
1. Protect yourself and your child. Speak to an attorney about the proper steps. Document everything. Keep copies of emails, letters, phone bills etc in a safe place. This is your protection, she violated the trust causing you to need this. 

2. Install a keylogger on her computer. I've even heard about GPS you can put on her car and/or her phone. My husband actually looked in to it and suggested he get it for his phone to give me piece of mind. I declined, we got past that stage but I know it exists. 

3. Take steps to fix the marriage. As long as she shows some indication of wanting to do so (I know how can you do #1 and #2 and still look at saving it. I am hoping you don't need the insurance but you have it and won't be played for a fool. 

- see a marriage counselor
- do something for yourself, cultivate a hobby anything to develop some distance and something to absorb yourself in to. She might get jealous of your new interest and see that you aren't just waiting for her
- exercise! Whether you need it or not. This helps the anger/frustration side. You will find some peace in this. My husband actually bought a punching bag. One of those big ones. He said it was for our daughter to learn self-defense but he encourages me to use it. Gotta say, it is nice. I run too but that gives me too much time to think, even so it helps.
- look for something new you can do as a couple. We are on a sand volleyball team. This has been great for us. Doesn't have to be a sport could be cooking or ??? doesn't matter what.
- Plan a date/surprise her. Don't bring up any issues about the marriage, just remember why you fell in love and have fun. At the very worst of our issues, I did this (just before finding out he was having an affair) and he still talks about this. It was simple, I planned a date where we went go-karting, had mexican food, and coffee afterward. We talked like we used to long ago about silly stuff, not kids, bills, school, etc. I watched him relax and have fun. Later he told me it helped him realize what a big mistake he was making. We still do this (not often enough). 
- Get the CD set from Mort Fertel, try to implement those steps. 

If its going to work out, this will all help you to pick up the pieces but she must end the EA and admit to you it was wrong. Make 100%commitment to make it right. If she does this, you have a great chance. If not, doing the above will help YOU. 

As far as your son goes, tell him often how important he is to you. Spend time with him. Continue to reassure him how much you love him. He will need that. Always tell him the truth, though you may have to soften it a bit. In cases of divorce, I have seen one parent lie to a child "your dad doesn't love you.." make sure he knows you do. Its tough to keep children out of the middle if one parent is vindictive but if so, then you may have to be honest with the child. I hope that will never be the case for you. 

In our case, my oldest saw that her Dad was hurting me and did not blame me. But she depended on me to fix it. She'd cry and write me letters "I don't know what is happening to dad or who he is anymore, its like he is someone else". I kept some of those, I don't know why but maybe to remind me how children are so affected. I was careful to never hint he'd had an affair but he was stupid enough to do it in plain site, I've always figured she knew. You can't protect them completely but you set an example by doing the right thing especially when it is difficult to do that.


----------



## mikez (Dec 25, 2009)

I have still yet to speak with my wife. Still pretty pissed about her lying. I have not been to attorney yet, but plan on setting up a meeting with one I have spoken with when all of this began 6 months ago. I really think that I have tried pretty hard to make things better for her to break out of this but being a compassionate, caring person did not work. Which is why I have given up on those methods and have developed a plan to protect myself. Interestingly enough she went into my briefcase and took the copies of the phone records that I had. Not sure what she did with them. She blocked anyone from accessing her phone records online. So, it seems she has gone into defense mode which is rather disheartening, but not surprising.

I started doing triathlons when all of this began and am in really good shape. I am still training for a few events for next year. Hopefully this all will be past me one way or another...


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

She is protecting herself by removing any evidence you have of an affair...either herself or the guy so you won't have proof to show his wife.

Clearly she is not ready to stop contacting him and work on your marriage. I think you did the absolute right thing by demanding no contact. It is not controlling, it is the only way your marriage has a shot...and she can choose to work on the marriage or continue the stuff with him...nothing controlling about that.

I'm glad you are getting your own ducks in a row. Talk to an attorney before moving out if possible to make sure it's the best thing for you legally...and try to get those records back from her...they may help you.


----------



## mikez (Dec 25, 2009)

I have been keeping no contact with her during this time. I know we have to "communicate", but I have spent the last 6 months trying to do this, to no avail. I was reading some stuff online about James Dobson's book, "Love Must be Tough,..." and found what was said about it on Amazon, pretty interesting. I guess there is a time to take off the gloves and go for the "tough love" approach. From what I understand is you have completely no contact with the person who wants out of the marriage for a minimum of 3 weeks at first. Well, I've been through 1 week already, 2 more is not going to hurt, and can probably go more to see what happens. I am going to pick up this book and read it this weekend, as well as another one that I read about titled "The Divorce Remedy" by Michelle Weiner Davis. Has anyone read these and put any techniques in motion?

It is interesting that she wont say much to me then come in an say something surfacey, and wont get a reply. It's as if she wants to break the ice. I guess the no contact kind of gives them a sense of what things will be like without the other person, and sets into motion some feelings of loss that they will incur when they jump over to the "greener side of the fence."

I am seeing a lawyer next week to prepare for the next step. I will not leave the house until I know from a legal perspective what the best plan of action is for me.

Take care everyone! Happy New Year!


----------

