# Is marriage possible without love?



## Ataloss (Jul 8, 2009)

This is my last resort. I know for a fact that I don't love my husband. It's a painful thing to face instead of falling back into my comfort zone with him. I refuse to do this again, as I have for years. These thoughts of a last ditch effort are only because of my kids. I feel as though I've created this rut and they shouldn't have to pay for it. On the flip side, I'm beginning to wonder if this may be better for the kids because they pick up on our unhappiness and it has wreaked havoc in their behaviors, etc. They are confused and I can't take seeing them that way, plus our parenting is very different (he yells all the time, for example, and I can't live like that). But then of course, I hear that kids are always better off with both parents, even if the marriage isn't all that great. Anyway, as my post title states, Is there any glimmer of a chance for a marriage to work without mutual love? I guess I just want to make sure that I don't go through with this only to feel as though I didn't give it every possibility to save the marriage. I appreciate all comments. I'm really at the end of my rope. Thanks.


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## mujer_rota (Feb 10, 2010)

It is always better for children to be FROM a broken home than live IN one. NEVER stay together FOR the kids, that only makes matters worse. Not only will you have a hostile relationship with your husband, your kids will wonder if they are the problem. 

Im sure they would rather see their parents happy apart than miserable together.


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## kayla111 (Feb 4, 2010)

My parents divorced when I was 5, and although at the time I was very upset (I still remember that day clearly!), I am very glad they did get divorced because I know now that they just weren't good for each other. I would have to say that if you REALLY don't think that you can get that love back for your husband, then you probably should move on. You deserve to be happy in life, it's too short not to be!


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I think there's two issue to confront:

A. You don't love him anymore
B. You shouldn't be married anymore.

If you face A with him and be honest and tell him and really mean it from a "It's not you" standpoint, you may actually be able to work on falling in love again. 

Just because you "lost that lovin' feelin'" doesn't mean you can't get it back.

Now. . .if whatever interventions don't get it back, then yes, don't stay together just for the kids.

The hardest thing right now for you probably is you are hiding your non-feelings.

I'd hate for you to merge divorce and your feelings altogether at once. . .I think you should work on 1 at a time. Trust me - divorce is horrible. . .HORRIBLE. I wouldn't wish this on my own worst enemy.


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## Ataloss (Jul 8, 2009)

Thanks to both of you for your insight. I've seen online where there were 2 studies done on children from broken homes...1 researcher had determined that kids pretty much fared well as long as the parents stayed amicable and another researcher said that low-conflict (no abuse, etc) marriages that ended in divorce were the toughest on kids and that low conflict can be resolved and kids can learn through their parents how to work out conflict. 

Bottom line though is what you said, Kayla...we only live once and I'd like to think my kids will be happier if we are happier and will also understand someday just how important that is in life. 

I grew up in a broken home as well, Kayla...since about 10 years of age. My parents seemed to get along ok, then dropped the bomb on us just before Christmas. It really did impact my life here and there throughout ever since. I was constantly trying to fill a void (with relationships) and I ended up in a couple of bad relationships, and based my judgement all on feeling from my heart and not my head, hence the dysfunctional relationships. I sort of gave up on trusting my own judgement and instead of following my heart, I followed my head. My husband is a good person, but my heart is just not there. I would like to have my heart involved; however, should I take this path (divorce), I'm now aware of my downfalls and believe I can avoid the all heart or all head scenario, I just have to be careful of my judgement. My main focus will be on raising my children (and team-parenting with my current husband) and will definitely keep my busy. If love comes my way and it's right, then it will be time for me to follow the path that is right for me. Until then, I will NEVER settle again. This life only happens once.


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## Ataloss (Jul 8, 2009)

Scannerguard,

You're totally right. Thanks for the reply. I have to say there is nothing scarier to me than the thought of getting divorced only to realize that I made a mistake. That is why I've been contemplating this for over a year now. I don't truly know what it feels like to divorce, but I can say that I feel as though I've grieved this pre-emptively to an extent. I've been through the whole "slew" of emotions. Friends/sisters wonder why I can't just make up my mind, but this is the hardest decision I've ever faced in my life. I'm really wearing thin now.

Something else I must point out and I'm ashamed to say is getting the "lovin feelin" back is something I've contemplated, but I keep coming to the realization that the problem is there's no feeling to come back to. I would try to get it back if I could remember what I was going back to. That's the sad thing. The only chance I see is if I fall in love with him in the FIRST place. If I knew that could happen, this would be a no-brainer, but unfortunately, there would be a huge risk (in our happiness) in waiting for it to happen. I know this all may make me sound cold, but in my defense, I just believe that I did what I thought was right...I married a good man because we were happy together in a certain light, though unfortunately, I thought that was good enough to carry us through, and it turns out that it's not so.


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