# My Girlfriend & Her Two Sons



## agent82 (Aug 17, 2017)

My girlfriend and her two sons moved into my home in December of 2016. She knows I didn’t want kids but I’m adjusting and I’m really trying to throw myself into this. 

One of her children has ADHD, and I feel like I spend so much time playing catch up; reading blogs and books and trying to understand everything I can so that I can talk with him in a language that fits his needs. I also planed out his new diet and added supplements that have really worked wonders with getting him to focus. She did not participate in this, but approved me going forward with it. Anyway, all good things! Her kids both love me and one of has repeatedly told me I’m his best friend. 

On to the problem at hand. At the moment, her 3yo is having a bit of an anger issue close to bedtime. Some nights, his tantrums and her yelling seem to go on for what feels like forever, and so, I looked up some proactive, calm and cautious steps to settling him down for an easy bedtime transition. One of the steps included catching the child off guard to distract him from the tantrum itself so that a dialog could begin. The website listed positive things like, offering to play a game, or offering up a favorite toy. Tonight, as I had neither at my disposal, I offered up the only thing I had, a lick of my ice cream cone. And it worked! He was confused, and still the grumpiest kid on the planet, but he was talking with me. I wanted to make sure his feelings were heard. I gave him options to make him feel validated, I read him a bedtime story and he went to bed right on time with his brother. It felt like a wonderful bonding moment, even if he did have tears in his eyes. 

My partner of the other hand was not pleased at all. From her point of view, I rewarded his bad behavior with a treat. I then made the mistake of saying, “if we did it your way, we’d be up for the next hour with him screaming his lungs out.” She grabbed her pillow and left, saying, “**** you! You’re not their parent! You will never be their parent!” 

I feel so conflicted tonight. She often asks me, “What’s it like now that you have two kids?” and she encourages me to gain their respect. She’s totally fine if I discipline them, not physically, but time outs and what not… I see where she’s coming from, her and her ex are the parents, but I’m stuck in this situation where I know this child needs love, not an adult screaming in his face every time he doesn’t want to go to bed. I still feel proud about my connection with him tonight, even if I am sleeping alone. 

Extra stuff: I love her. It’s not always easy. She is diagnosed bi-polar and also has ADHD. I have my own problems, (depression/anxiety). Their father is still in their lives and we split time with him 50/50. I am in no way trying to replace him at all, but I do want some order in my house since everything feels upside down and backwards to me since they moved in. It’s getting better. 

She is unemployed and I support her and her children in a five bedroom house in the heart of Silicon Valley. I make sure that her and her children want for nothing. My money comes primarily from real estate left to me by my father upon his death. Some months are tighter than others and I’ve recently urged her to help out. She has massive amounts of anxiety about going back to work and that has put a small wedge between us. She keeps telling me she doesn’t want to work, and recently added that I should “man up and get a real job if I need extra money.” It’s hard. I feel like I’ve taken on so much, given so much, learned so much, participated in so much, and I feel like I’m doing all the right things, but lately… I’m walking on eggshells.


----------



## Yag-Kosha (Sep 8, 2016)

agent82 said:


> She is unemployed





agent82 said:


> I support her and her children in a five bedroom house in the heart of Silicon Valley





agent82 said:


> I make sure that her and her children want for nothing





agent82 said:


> She has massive amounts of anxiety about going back to work





agent82 said:


> She keeps telling me she doesn’t want to work, and recently added that I should “man up and get a real job if I need extra money.


Dude. DUDE.

Don't get attached to those kids.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Agent 82, you sound like a solid kind of guy. I cannot help but feel you will become immersed in the life of your GF and kids and have to disentangle, she is not good news at all and does not seem to appreciate what you are doing. I would consider carefully whether you want to continue this relationship, you will have no rights over these kids, yet are investing in them. i would call it quits, its only the beginning and she is treating you like this.

Go find a decent woman without the baggage.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

You really need to reconsider this relationship. She is taking massive advantage of you. I'm sorry if this is offensive, but all of the diagnoses stacked together - bipolar, ADHD, anxiety, depression, spread among multiple people - makes for a rough road ahead.

This relationship doesn't sound healthy. I don't know how much money you inherited, but inheritances eventually run out if not managed well. Sounds like she's on her way to draining the well.

You never wanted kids. Now, a crap ton of your money is being spent on someone else's kids. Time for her to become an adult, find gainful employment, and learn to support her own family.

Personally I'd be formulating an exit plan from this situation. Sorry...


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Your girlfriend may be jealous of your ability to get along with HER kids.

Don't be surprised when she starts acting out ...... acting out against the best interests of her children just to spite you.


----------



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

She is probably resentful of the fact that you under minded her in front of her children, which you did do, even though it was the more effective strategy that night.

I agree with others, you should not be supporting her and her children. That is her responsibility. She needs to get a job and pull her financial weight. It would be different if they were your kids and she was a stay at home parent, but they are not.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You sound like my brother. He kept dating women with kids, and the woman was always a basket case. He had a HUGE White Knight syndrome and he couldn't help himself.

You can't see the forest for the trees but, dude, you were scammed. She was looking for a sugardaddy and she found a low-self-esteem, high-anxiety, depressed guy who needed to do something good in his life, and she fit the bill. I know you don't want to drop her like the hot potato that she is, so at the VERY least, you need to start dragging her to family therapy so that she starts to learn healthy parenting skills, to make YOUR life tolerable. 

fwiw, what you are describing is Authoritative Parenting - which is the most desired way to raise kids - and what she is doing is Authoritarian Parenting, which is the absolute WORST way to raise kids. She needs to learn this stuff.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...uthoritative-vs-authoritarian-parenting-style


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Parenting the children is her job. That includes financially. 

Imo you don't have much of a say in how she disciplines her children at this point. You can decide you don't want to live with it but you can't take over parenting her children. 

She needs to get a job that supports her and her 2 kids. 
She should be making at least what it would cost if she was on her own.


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

agent82 said:


> She is diagnosed *bipolar* and also has *ADHD*.


Agent, if your GF has had a Bipolar-2 episode in the past year, there is a 36% chance she also suffers from BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). If it was a Bipolar-1 episode, that likelihood of also having BPD rises to 47%. See Table 2 at 2008 Study in JCP. 

Moreover, adult ADHD also is strongly associated with BPD. Indeed, some members of the psychiatric community suspect that adult ADHD may be a subset of BPD, not a distinct disorder. See, e.g., 2006 Study and 25% of BPDers Have ADHD. Similar studies are cited in BPD or ADHD? Most psychologists, however, view them as separate disorders even though they share several common symptoms (e.g., impulsivity and emotional dysregulation). 

I mention this distinction between _BPD_ (a personality disorder) and _Bipolar and ADHD_ (both of which are "clinical" mental disorders) because, whereas the two clinical disorders often can be treated fairly successfully by swallowing a pill, BPD is extremely difficult to treat and medication won't make a dent in it. I therefore suggest that you consult with _your own_ psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is that you will be dealing with if you marry this woman. I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psychologist, you read about BPD warning signs to see if they seem to apply.

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your GF's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot when they occur, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- and may help you decide whether the situation is sufficiently serious to warrant your spending money to obtain a candid opinion from your own psychologist, i.e., one who is ethically bound to protect YOUR best interests, not hers.

An easy place to start reading is my list of red flags at _18 BPD Warning Signs_. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _Maybe's Thread_. If that description rings many bells and raises questions, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. 



> *I’m walking on eggshells.*


If most of the 18 BPD warning signs sound very familiar, I suggest you also read the book, _Stop Walking on Eggshells_. It is the best-selling book about BPD relationships that is targeted to the abused partners.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Of course she doesn't want to work -- her goal was finding someone to support her and her children. And to help her with them. You're doing all of that but the problem is she wants it on her terms -- not yours. You're in for a very hard life with her.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Time for them to go.

Sorry.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You need to learn to say "my roof, my rules" when she tests you this way. Personally I think you should have disciplined her when she spoke to you that way. Taken her over your knee. That seems to be the kind of relationship she's looking for. A daddy that is.


----------



## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I applaud you handling those kids.. Bedtime should be very peaceful.. Not having a screaming mother scream at you for an hour before bedtime... poor kid. A routine is best-- bath/shower..snack.. reading a book.. whatever it is.. it should be done each night calmly. And yes giving him options will let him feel like he's in control. Do you want a bath or a shower tonight?

That is so nice that you took the three of them in BUT she defiantly needs a job. Maybe even a part-time at first until she feels comfortable with it.


----------

