# Wife won`t come home



## RP2804 (Aug 31, 2009)

my wife left on june 8th. i noticed that she was becoming very distant.she began sleeping on the sofa ani ask her what was wrong on several occasions and she said "nothing". finally on june 8th i had enough and erupted and told her to get out,a statement that i regret to this day.she came by the next day and told me that she loved me but it wasn`t the same.she is staying at her dads but has not moved her stuff out of our home.does this mean she is thinking of returning home?these past months have been pure hell,that`s the only way i know to put it.i`m going crazy.can anyone help me to get some answers?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

That would make anyone crazy. 

What are you doing to win her back? Will she talk to you? Will she consider getting help?


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## RP2804 (Aug 31, 2009)

I have talked to her several times,took her to lunch even.
At the end of each conversation she ends it with "i`ve
got to get my own place" but that hasn`t materialized yet.she also says that she can`t find a place but i know that there are plenty around where we live to choose from.what does that mean.she also said that she has forgiven me for what i said and she knows that i am sorry but she says that she just can`t get past what i said.any suggestions from someone with experience?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I'm not sure what you did/said to her in the past? Is there something for her to forgive?


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## RP2804 (Aug 31, 2009)

Yes, i had ask her to leave but only because of the way she was treating me.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Is there someone else? There usually is.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Whatever caused her to be distant is probably why she is still gone today and unless you work through what that was, I doubt she will return.

It could be that she resents you if she has been feeling unloved, unappreciated for some time. It could be someone else. Not necessarily an affair but that she's attracted to someone else and taking a closer look at her own marriage. It could be that she's depressed. 

It will be really hard for you to do much if she will not open up to you. If she did, and was really honest with you about what is bothering her, how would you react? If the answer is defensive and angry...that's what you should work on at the moment...make sure she can open up without worrying about your reaction.

Just some 'guesses' not knowing about the details of your marriage together.


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## RP2804 (Aug 31, 2009)

I told her that i have changed from the way i was (saying verbally abusive things) and she said that she knows that i have changed.i think that she could see it.she also told me that she loved me but still won`t call me. I have invited her to go places with me without being pushy.but she always comes up with excuses to not have to go.she also kisses me when we see each other.i`m just so confused by her actions.i don`t think there is anyone else.


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Quit having contact with her. Start living your own life. The more you ask her to do things the farther away she will pull. Leave her alone for a while and be patient.


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## RP2804 (Aug 31, 2009)

Does that mean that i have some hope for us?


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## RP2804 (Aug 31, 2009)

Her birthday is coming up.should i get her a gift?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I agree with Swedish. She will need to resolve what made her go. If she didn't want to go, when you asked her to, then she would have spoken up. You just gave her a reason to go...she was already thinking of it.

All you can do, like the others have said, is pull back and let her come to you. Whatever contact that you do have...it should be limited and not needy sounding. Become a happy, attractive, person that is doing something with their life. THAT is attractive and will grab her attention.

B-day gifts. I'd might be tempted, if it wasn't over the top..."I love and can't live without you" type thing.


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## RP2804 (Aug 31, 2009)

It`s her 50th. So to me that is a pretty special b-day.why does she keep telling me she loves me when i see her?


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## RP2804 (Aug 31, 2009)

She has been living at her dad`s house for the past 3-1/2 months.she hasn`t moved out of our house yet.what does that mean if anything?


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## RP2804 (Aug 31, 2009)

It`s been 3-1/2 months now.i`ve quit having contact with her for 2 weeks now.my previous contact was very limited anyways.she still doesn`t call me.i`m pretty sure at this point that it`s over.any opinions or encouragement will be welcome.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Why do you think she started sleeping on the sofa? It sounds as though she loves you, but perhaps did not feel loved, appreciated in return. She may feel 'spent' in the marriage.


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## RP2804 (Aug 31, 2009)

Swedish you may be right.what can i do to show her that i do appreciate her.i don`t want to make the wrong decision and push away further.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Whatever caused her to start shutting down, pulling away from you, sleeping on the sofa was likely building up over time. Telling her to get out re-inforced what she likely was thinking...he doesn't love me...this isn't working...why doesn't he seem to care....then 'get out' just re-inforced that for her.
She may see changes in you, but if she feels broken, it is very scary to risk going back and worry that you will eventually fall back into the old patterns. She is likely extremely hurt that your reaction was the opposite of what she had hoped. It is sometimes easy to begin to talk yourself into thinking, geez she knows I didn't mean it...I get like that when I'm angry, etc. but it's really the worst thing to do because it is excusing yourself from changing bad traits.

It is great to realize your own faults and to work on improving yourself. This doesn't always lead a spouse to say 'yippie he's changed, I'll run back to him now!' One side of thinking is that I love him and am glad he is doing things to improve himself, but is this just a quick fix to get me back? Is this just so he can get his life back to normal, the way it was? Those fears are real and are coupled with the fear that the changes are temporary or self-serving. At this point, I'd say things are headed in the right direction but far from being resolved.

The next phase is what will make it or break it. Why the changes? Can you see that you've broken her spirit? Does it make you feel horrible? Are you focused on your own pain so much that you cannot see how she must be feeling? Once at this point, you feel you want your spouse's happiness, whether it's with or without you...it is not always easy to arrive to this point, but I believe it is the changing point. Sometimes, it is too little to late, but worth the risk because you will become a better person either way it goes. At this point, it isn't what you want, but a true desire to give her what she wants. Are you worthy of her at this point? What would you write in a letter to her that shows her you 'get it'...that it's not just what you want to happen, but that you genuinely love this woman...what do you want for *her*?


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## RP2804 (Aug 31, 2009)

What you are saying makes a lot of sense because when she started sleeping on the sofa it obviously upset me and made me not feel the same toward her.i think this made her feel unloved and unappreciated.i miss her terribly since she left.i wish i could back up and start over, but that`s the way things turned out and i can`t take back what i said.i know she resents me very much for it right now.i just don`t know what to do next.my world is crumbling around me.i`m very very sad,to the point i was even contemplating suicide.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

If you are feeling suicidal, talk to a professional. I have been there and it's not something to mess with on your own as your mind has a way of convincing you that it makes sense, but in time you find it made no sense to think that way...do what you need to so that you are still here to have that time to think back 

It struck me as odd that you told her to 'get out'...I can't imagine my husband ever telling me to get out of our home. It would make me feel that deep down, I am just another peice of furniture that he can toss when he doesn't like it anymore vs. someone that he loves and respects.

I know you can't take it back, and she has forgiven the comment, but you can think about why you felt it was appropriate to say that to your wife, who should feel just as secure in her home as you are.


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## RP2804 (Aug 31, 2009)

The comment was made out of anger and it just came out.i would never in my wildest dreams think that she like a piece of furniture that i could just toss away.she is irreplaceable and i messed up when i let that come out. She will probably never speak to me again.i`m only human and i make mistakes.she has been gone 4 months now.i don`t think she will return.all i can do is wait and see.


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## RP2804 (Aug 31, 2009)

I talked to my wife sunday and i ask her if she had been thinking about leaving before all of this took place and she said yes.i ask her why and she said that she wasn`t happy.could this be a sign of a midlife crisis?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I think it's more of a sign that she was feeling unloved and unappreciated for some time within the marriage. I am not surprised she said 'yes' as sleeping on the sofa was a pretty clear indicator. 

I think of midlife crisis as more of a selfish feeling...that a person feels they have done things for family for many years and now want to do things for themself...often leaving the family in the dust with no or little remorse.

Your wife, from what you've said so far, does not seem to fit this...she still says she loves you, she's not run off on her own or with another man, she's at her dad's house. I really think she has just not felt loved, appreciated in the marriage and feels that the only way to be happy is to leave because she cannot make you love her & treat her like a queen 

I think what you do have going for you is that you can make changes and at some point if you really can let her know how deeply you love her, if you can pinpoint things you've done wrong that may have made her feel otherwise, and really show her you are making an effort to change these things, she may respond.


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## RP2804 (Aug 31, 2009)

I am working on these things already.she sees it.she still does not call me.(ever) she still pays her part of our bills.i just don`t understand.she says she feels "different" and that she doesn`t hate me.then she turns around and says i love you.it`s driving me crazy. Could anyone out there explain it to me? Please!!!!!!


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## RP2804 (Aug 31, 2009)

Could someone respond please !!!!!!!!!!!


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Hey,

I had a similiar experience with my H when he moved out the first time.

He told me he didn't love me and I asked him to leave.

He didn't really find anywhere to permanent to stay for three months 

things were up in the air 

one day I heard I haven't loved you for ten years and next day I have always loved you 

I was going CRAZY 

then I started to move on - I started woking on getting him out of my life - 

and he decided he wanted back

unfortunately for me this didn't last ( a couple of months maybe) and now he has left more permanently...


your wife hasn't 'separated'

but she can't have it both ways - you _will_ go crazy

set some boundaries for yourself 

she isn't capable of this and if you don't you leave yourself open to being trampled on 

I really don't know if my experience is in any the same - but should I have my time over I would never have left my H come back in the way he did 

before he'd resolved anything - just ended up with me getting so hurt.

one good bit of advice i got from someone at the time was that you don't have to stop loving ....but you can be firm with them....

good luck

let us know how things are going


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## RP2804 (Aug 31, 2009)

Thanks very much for the response.i was hoping that many more on this forum could help me.you are right.it`s driving me crazy.


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## kootz (Mar 10, 2017)

i know its been a while since this post, but im curious whatever happened??? I am living this same story now and beyond confused


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

kootz said:


> i know its been a while since this post, but im curious whatever happened??? I am living this same story now and beyond confused



Start your own thread with as many details as possible and you will get help


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## Beauty for Ashes (Mar 17, 2017)

Man with No Name:

I too would be interested in hearing how those men and women who have had several years to work through infidelity, separation, and/or divorce are fairing? My husband's mistress notified me on Christmas Day that they had been involved in a 2-year affair. After much prayer and on-going therapy, I thought I could muster up the strength to work on my marriage and forgive his transgressions. However, his mistress notified me this month that she is 13-weeks pregnant with his child. I am beyond devastated and not sure what direction my life is taking. I would love to hear from others experiencing similar issues.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Beauty for Ashes said:


> Man with No Name:
> 
> I too would be interested in hearing how those men and women who have had several years to work through infidelity, separation, and/or divorce are fairing? My husband's mistress notified me on Christmas Day that they had been involved in a 2-year affair. After much prayer and on-going therapy, I thought I could muster up the strength to work on my marriage and forgive his transgressions. However, his mistress notified me this month that she is 13-weeks pregnant with his child. I am beyond devastated and not sure what direction my life is taking. I would love to hear from others experiencing similar issues.



Start your own thread, posting on an old, dead thread won't get you many replies


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