# I hate being a single parent



## Lon

I hate being a single parent the half of my son's time he's with me. And I equally hate not being part of my son's days he's not with me. It feels like everything is just disintegrating. There is no reward in any of this.


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## brokenbythis

I feel your pain. I'm going to be a single parent too in a few weeks, when my STBXH moves out and we file papers. It is going to suck big time. I NEVER wanted this for my son. I never ever thought it would be happening to me.

It's not fair and it's not right, but it's reality and somehow I have to make the best of it. I'm so sorry.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Lon said:


> I hate being a single parent the half of my son's time he's with me. And I equally hate not being part of my son's days he's not with me. It feels like everything is just disintegrating. There is no reward in any of this.


How is it for your son? Is he old enough to talk to you about what he most needs during the time he's with you? I usually check in with my kids to make sure we are using our time to the best advantage. I have them a lot during the school week...but during the summer I check in with them more often. I try not to do too much, and leave some room to be flexible some days. 

For instance, my daughter was really wanting to go to see glass blowing, and so when we had a good weather day we made the drive to Vermont for that. My son is keen to go to his favorite fishing spot, so we'll go there soon. We talk about what foods they like and grocery shopping, also look forward to movies and do that. They like to have an opportunity to ride their bikes, etc. Usually they want simple things that are deliverable...


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## WomanScorned

Amen! Unfortunately, it's the new reality for us and we have to make the best of it. I take comfort from the fact that I'm the stable parent for my kids as the ex has major drama with his 22 year old girlfriend and is unsettled still. Never thought I'd be the stable parent, thought he'd be it. He's completely gone off the deep end.


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## Shooboomafoo

Hey Lon,
I feel you man. 
I start the week that I have my kid all happy and excited that shes coming to stay the week with me, and usually the week goes fine. Im very limited financially in doing things that the ex seems to have no problem affording. (However thats just credit card abuse, its not any ability to afford anything, and it will come back to haunt her as it always does.)
But bottom line is the kid likes to be with me, considers my house a home too, and even though I hate sharing with the ex, and having to "Be okay" with all the bullsh!t going on over there, its true, I provide the house of peace for her.

But then again, towards the end of my week with her I kinda feel sh!tty admitting that I look forward to some time to myself the week after. The reduction in caretaking efforts, and the necessity of thinking about her and her needs every moment is given a break for a week, and right now, its a much needed break for me. 
Some of the walk away dads that dont have any time with their kids are missing out huge.


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## Intruder

I struggle with this all the time.....all the time.

I hang my hat on the fact that I am an awesome Dad, my boys love me and the adventures we have....from building a fort, to long walks, bike riding and whatever small trips I can afford. But when that time comes, and I don't have them to tuck in at night....well 2 years later, I still get really sad.

I really don't think I'll ever feel better about this....it wasn't my choice, but I feel like my boys miss out on so much.

Just be the best parent we can...that's all we can do.


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## Lon

HNU, my boy is 5, and he is always 2 steps ahead of me. I know what he likes but the problem is he is just constantly pushing the envelope and I feel like I can no longer keep on top of discipline now it feels like he's running my life and I am worn down. I can't even take care of the basics for myself even. Like Woman Scorned I feel like I've been the stable parent his whole life, but I just can't do it any longer. I spent all day yesterday trying to get us ready for a trip, and he's constantly yelling for my attention and I close my eyes cover my ears and cry because it is just too much for me to take. We ended up not able to leave because it feels like I spent all day trying to get him to clean up after himself as I try to wash and find some clothes to pack. It doesn't help that I'm using this site as an escape either. Yesterday I was even considering asking my ex to take custody (but that thought made me extremely sad at the thought and realized that isn't the answer because she is no better a mother to him than I a father). So today I'm trying to get going, my son is hyper, playing with everything he can get his hands on, literally climbing on my back and everything I try to get him to settle is not working, and I am desperately trying to not spank him hard because its not his fault, I feel like he just doesn't get adequate supervision anywhere.


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## UpnDown

Is there a huge difference on how you both parent the children?


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## Lon

Not huge differences I think, can't really know for sure, however my ex seems to have more creative energy, when she used to get worn down she would snap hard, and would spank him hard if he pushed her, so fear and punishment seem to keep him in line more with her. I don't know if she still uses spanking, she hasn't said so and my son doesn't say she does. I have used spanking before (a couple times, not in the past couple years) and he seemed to react well to it, he seems to know where the line is, and the next day he shows a lot of affection and is on good behavior for a couple days afterwards - which kinda scares my, I don't want him learning this way. But I fear he already has, at this point though I don't even trust my own judgement to use that kind of punishment. I think both of us don't give in to him all the time, but he is good at pulling out heartstrings and manages to get his way somehow. I know my inconsistency is at the core of the issue, but I'm a walking zombie and I don't know where I'm going to get any energy back for this.


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## that_girl

Your ex and yourself have to discipline him the same way.

It was something my ex and I had to sit down and talk about. once we did, and set some ground rules/punishments/etc, things ran SO smoothly. 

When she'd get in trouble, I'd call him and we'd talk to her via speaker phone. He'd do the same when she was at his house (1/2 the week...4 miles away).

I don't know how often you get your son, or how far away you are, but this could help. talk with your ex, THEN talk with him together so he knows that you two are still a parental team.

My ex and i did that and it really helped. We co-parented very well for 7 years. Then he flipped his lid and yea. lol.


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## that_girl

And yes. BE consistent. I know sometimes you don't want to be ebcause you want him happy, etc. But in the long run, consistency WINS  Even though you may feel like a tool.


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## Lon

I think the problem isn't differences in discipline, I'm just outta gas, my energy is the problem.


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## Paradise

Lon, I go through these feelings sometimes. Like I'm not good enough of a dad and perhaps my daughter would be better off not seeing me as much. Completely wrong, dude. Not even close to being the truth and I get pi$$ed at myself for even thinking these thoughts. But...Only happens when I'm stretched thin and worn the heck out. Once I get some rest, then I'm ok. 

I don't talk to my ex about discipline. No two people are alike so what works for one will not work for another. I'm a teacher so I know what works for me in a classroom setting but that is far different than at home with a young child. 

I don't spank but use time-out instead. Also, I don't force trying to do stuff. It use to make me mad when I was trying to get ready to do things but I am much more relaxed about it now. If we don't get out the door then so be it. We'll just play at home. 

Don't get down on yourself. We all have bad days, weeks, months, etc. Your little dude needs you. I see boys and girls every day in my job and I can almost point out the ones who do not have a stable male at home just by the way they act when they get to high school.


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## Crane

Though I do get stressed out about it sometimes, I actually feel like I'm doing a better job with my kids without my stbxw around. It's just me and them, without the threat of stbxw's temper hanging over our heads.

Not that I don't have to use discipline sometimes. At age 4 and age 2 they can be a handful. I just feel like I'm more consistent and level-headed with it than she is. 

She's a hothead.


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## that_girl

Just tired when he's with you? Kids are tiring.


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## LovesHerMan

Lon:

He is smart enough to see that he can set the agenda and push you around. You have to take control, and set boundaries on his behavior. Our daughter was high energy, too, and tried to boss me around. I had to figure out how to handle her. It took a lot of persistence and outlasting her. 

Your son may be too young for this strategy, but one thing that worked with her was taking some of her allowance away when she misbehaved. She hated more than anything to lose part of her allowance. You have to find the thing that gets to them for discipline to be effective.

How does he respond to time-outs? Are there some privileges you can take away when he acts out? The big key is to impose the discipline immediately when he misbehaves. Don't let things build to your breaking point. Do something immediately so that he gets the message that his mischief will not be tolerated.

As young as he is, he knows what he is doing to you. He sees that you feel guilty, and he is playing this as an attention grab for himself. If he is like our daughter, no matter how much attention you give him, it is never enough, so don't feel guilty about not making him the center of attention every second you are with him.

Have you tried a reward chart for good behavior? Put up a board, and give your son a star every time he completes a task. When he gets so many stars, he gets a reward--a trip to the park, or some small thing that he would enjoy.

Parenting is the most difficult job in the world. Don't beat yourself up about this, and keep trying different things to see what works with him. Make sure that you give each strategy enough time to work before you discard it.


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## diwali123

How old is your son? I so know what you are going through. We separated when she was three and she was a mess for a while. You have to have consequences. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that because you only see him half the time you want to spoil him and be the push over. You are still the parent, be the leader! 
I know it is so draining but don't give up! 
There were times with my daughter when she got so angry and wouldn't do anything I asked, I would do star charts and that would work for a few weeks. I got to the point one day when she was four where I took all her toys out of her room while she screamed and cried and begged. It was hard. Every day she had a chance to earn a toy back.
I also used 123 magic, where you give them to the count of three to do or not do something. She's seven and to this day if I start counting she knows I'm serious and gets herself straightened out. 

It is going to be hard at first. You need to make him know exactly what the rules are and they should be few and simple: like you do what dad says, no hitting or whatever else big things he has issues with. 
If you are trying to go to the park and he's climbing on you and refusing to get ready? Guess what, tell
him if he doesn't do XYZ by the count of three you aren't going to the park a d you are going to stay home. In addition he won't get a star that day. 
Trust me, I know you feel guilty, you feel sad, lonely, lost, and you want all your time with him to be fun. 
But that's not a parent's job. Your job isn't to make him feel good by letting him do what he wants, it's to give him boundaries so he can feel safe in them. Kids don't want to be in charge, they will fight it but ultimately they want you to lead, they need you to lead and to be strong. 

Even if your ex doesn't discipline the same way, just do your thing. 
Read online about positive discipline, see a counselor who specializes in children of divorce, stay strong and take charge! Once you get past the child's initial reaction where they test and see if you are going to back down, things get better. Seriously it's like taming a wild horse.
And recognize that there is a transition period the first day a child changes off, you have to reassert
yourself, remind him of the rules and the consequences the first day and then follow through. You can do it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123

Also when you don't have him, take up old hobbies and find new
ones, join meetup groups, explore what you want to do. It's been four years and sometimes I still miss her when she's gone but it's much better when you use that time to take care of yourself. Get a massage, read a book, join the y. Use that time to recharge because it's so hard to be alone with your child. You deserve it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## proudwidaddy

Lon I feel for you brother, I have a almost 9 year old son and a 6 year old daughter. Being a single dad to them is a great job, but it is so tiring. Two days ago when they were over I feel asleep on the couch while they were playing, and bless their heart they let me take a little bit of nap. While I was asleep they made their beds in their room, what a great surprise for me.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Lon it almost sounds like you are overcompensating and trying to do too much. Have a looser plan, like getting to the nearest family beach and taking some bread and peanut/soynut butter and jam and a knife with you and a large jug of water. Just throw the bare necessities sunscreen towels etc. into a huge duffel bag and hoof it out of the house. Don't try to make it perfect. And include some ice cream and playground time, if you can take a bike for him and a helmet and let him ride around somewhere. I had a trailer-bike for my eldest, I'd hitch him to the back of my bike on that and we would just go for rides. I put stuff in a back pack, we would stop at the playground or wherever.... Or thrown necessities in a backpack and hit a kid-friendly hiking trail. It just sounds like you are getting stuck getting out the door, maybe trying to overthink stuff and your son is making it worse. Pack in advance, and then just head quickly. After a while you will get better and just throwing stuff together from a mental checklist. I think if you can get yourself out the door and to a kid-friendly venue you will find the relaxation with your son that you're seeking. Fishing is always fun too. He is old enough to help with packing, give him tasks to do even if it's not really necessary, lol. Kids love maps, if you have a map to give him for the ride with the route highlighted that goes over well... don't worry it is okay to let a kid be bored or just to ignore their needs more or less depending, just tell him you are packing and you can't talk, you have to pay attention or you'll forget something and stick to that. I think a lot of parents don't want their kids to experience any negative emotions, they take it as a sign of failure, but negative emotions such as frustration, not being the center of attention, boredom, being asked to wait, being upset or disappointed when you get to the ice cream place and it just closed...etc. those are all essential for kids' healthy emotional development. If you try to appease him all the time you will run yourself ragged, you're basically interacting with him in a way that encourages him to up the ante over time, even if he is not aware of it, he will do it. It's just the way people are, they feed into the space that's created in a dialog, you have to make room in your half of the dialog for the possibility of him having negative emotions, and really believe that it is okay, and learn to tune it out instead of letting it wear you down as an anxiety provoker. Kids love limits. But they will never admit it!


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## Paradise

Hey, keep this thread going! I started a notebook on it already. Always looking for ideas or methods to try with my little one. Parenting isn't perfect. Try something, if it works then go with it for a while. If it doesn't then go back to the drawing board. Besides, I refuse to let a 4 yr old outsmart me!!!!!


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## worrieddad

Lon said:


> I hate being a single parent the half of my son's time he's with me. And I equally hate not being part of my son's days he's not with me. It feels like everything is just disintegrating. There is no reward in any of this.


I hear you too....absolutely not what I wanted for our little girl (who is also 5 nearly 6). 

But on the other hand - just recently, have had some really great times. I keep in mind a lot of the stuff that used to annoy me about my WAW...taking forever to get ready to go anywhere, incessantly cleaning up after daughter had been playing, the disapproving looks about some parenting tactics, the endless materialistic trips to the mall...etc. All of that - now gone; daughter and I can do what we want, when we want. Of course I do miss many family aspects but do manage to take some satisfaction from that.

Also, is there anything special you and your boy do together? For my daughter and I, our special thing has always been swimming, and long may it continue.


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## golfergirl

I find my kids can wear me right out. And when I'm at my most tightly wound, they are at their worst! I'm not even a single parent! I kept track of my 4 year-olds temperment and I find sugar just makes him act out fierce. When he's tired - God help us all! And my baby - let's just say 'climbing stage'. Some days I feel like poking my ear drums with a pencil after hearing 'Mommy' repetitively. And the days when I'm rested and calm - things go smoothly. Hire a teenager when you have him to get him distracted off you whether you go for a coffee or even read the paper or pack for the trip. Even though it's your week, doesn't mean your his slave for the week. Burned out dad doesn't make things better for anyone. Be good to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shooboomafoo

Just dropped the kid off this mornin at her moms, for a week of crazy 40 year old lounging around and laziness that will the be motif this coming week for me.
Got independence day off of work, and the two days after as well, for a long 5 day break from work.
Plans? I have none. Maybe going to grill a brisket and have some folks over..


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## WomanScorned

Make some plans, Shoo. A brisket is perfect! I find having plans for my 'down' time without kids makes it easier for me. Not that I don't miss them when they're not with me, I do. But I get distracted.


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## Lon

3leaf, yes you are right about the routines, for the first 6 months after separation him and I really had nailed down some routines, felt like things were working, it just that lately I realized how much the last couple months has diverged from routines, and how utterly exhausting it is trying to get them back on, the amount of effort that goes into discipline has just been too much - other commenters are right that he has figured out how to control the agenda - it's why I say it feels like he's two steps ahead of me all the time... and the problem for me is my time without him just isn't really charging me up, just planning my own hobbies, or even just staying at home is keeping me drained. I just need some physical help somehow, and I have so few reliable people to call upon and I'm lousy at building those kind of relationships up. My son's friend lives next door, but they are almost always so busy with their own family activities, and so my son sees less and less of him, usually the same story with his other friends. It is just all so lonely to me and I fear the thing in me that isolates me is a pattern I'm teaching and it really scares me because I want him to fit in, and it is already showing that he doesn't fit in very well with the other kids most of the time, he's always doing his own thing, and when he finally gets around to wanting to play with other kids they are never available. I just am lousy at planning, and it seems the result is that it is always just me and him, which is nice often just not all the time, we need more stable connections to other people and I'm not good at providing it. Plus of course his mother is good at it but more selfishly and so the more and more things they do it kinda feels like I'm losing my son somehow. Him and I still laugh at things together all the time, just the laughs seem emptier lately, and his moods are definitely swinging harder, and I know what I am trying to express on this thread is a big reason why.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Lon, it is time to go camping and to have a road trip. You guys need to connect and build some history. Don't worry too much about the nuclear families who are always busy. That's the nature of that particular creature. There are pros and cons to every family and your particular family of two has its own. Talk to him about what he would like and try to make it happen, within reason. Look for commonality the way you would with any pal. Then remind him that in addition to the fun stuff, you have particular responsibilites that are key to making it happen. For instance, in order to go camping, you need to pack, imagine if you forgot matches or the tent! You also might need to go on the telephone or computer to make reservations. But he is old enough to start learning about those things, and to learn (from you) that the world does not fall from the sky in a complete package, as an adult you make it happen for him. The sooner he realizes that the sooner he will align his loyalties and his behavior to your benefit. 

I have been a single parent most of my parenting life. It was really easy for me when I let go of trying to do what I thought nuclear families did, and to just do what made sense for me and my kid. Sometimes my kid was gone for a week or two or even six weeks to stay with a friend or to go to boy's camp. Other times I acquired a kid from a nuclear family where the mom needed a break, and I would have two kids for a week or so. I loved biking and camping and road trips so that's what I did with my kid. It was fun. I didn't worry about him making friends, once he had an interesting life and felt confident with it he became interesting as he had something different to talk to the other kids about. He also played organized sports, town leagues that played for instruction and fun. I volunteered for the league, running the coffee/donut hut, etc. 

If you don't live in a small town you kind of need to create your own. Parenting is one of those sink or swim things. But honestly, I don't think you will go wrong if you figure out your own parenting style, you are a fun guy and how could a kid not love that? Let go of control for a bit and put out there all the fun things you could do together. My eldest son when he visits me now (he is almost 22) said that traveling around with me and camping and all the trips and adventures we took were really instrumental in defining him. I showed him the world, and how to move around in it and enjoy it and to support himself and take care of himself in lots of different situations. Any 5 year old is going to appreciate that. It doesn't take a lot of money, an adventure can be had with a bus pass for the day and a loaf of bread and a jar of peanut butter and a jar of jelly. Trust me on that. Kids LOVE maps. They LOVE exploring. They LOVE adventure and finding stuff and noticing stuff and making up stories about what they're doing. 

Now I'm psyched. I'm taking my kids camping in a couple weeks. I signed up to camp with an outdoor group, someone organized it but it's on your own just other people going on their own too, in this case another single mom with kids about my age. I've only met her once. But I'm sure it will be a fun weekend. 

One thing is not to look too hard for external stability. People with kids can never be pinned down. But if you guys do what works for you on a continuing basis, you will run into the same people again and again, and friend-making will come more naturally.

Hang in there buddy!


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## Lon

HNU, we just did that, drove to my old home city, met my mom there, saw my grandmother, swam in her pool for a couple days, my son got to play with his 2nd cousins a little, then spent two nights at my aunt and uncles cabin, long road trip. it was ok but just not fulfilling like things like this used to sometimes be (and I don't mean before the separation, because it feels like this since before, just the occassional bright moments). I am completely exhausted, was nice to have family around for my son, but it was no vacation. Everyone else was glad to see me and my son, but for me it just felt like nonstop stress. I am not here to complain, I am doing things right as far as my son goes, I think. I am just trying to find the missing piece that is supposed to make me feel like its worth it. Trying to hang in just feeling like I've been at the end of my rope with no relief in sight.


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## ferndog

I hate reading about divorce and kids. Stuff happens and once the communication breaks down (which is the foundation of any good relationship) then it slowly goes out the window. So many get hurt, so much pain for what??? 

Seems to me many give up on marriage so fast it's now disposable and I don't like it. 
I hope you and your happiness and time cure this pain. Nothing like your life partner not believing in the promise of marriage. 
I feel bad for all the kids. 

Their are a lot of caring loving fathers out there that tried hard to keep their marriage in tact. 
(women also of course) 

Just seems to me men get screwed over the most in divorce with financial and custody. 

I'm glad I don't have children. I don't know what I would do. My heart would be in constant pain
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123

It's hard but I know our lives are immensely better now than they would have been had I stayed. Now she has an independent mother with a good job, and can live in a living home witnessing a healthy marriage between her stepfather and I. Had I stayed I'd be stuck in a crap job or no job, doing everything while he partied with friends, she would hear us fighting all the time, see him refusing to talk to me for days at a time, hear him calling me names, and we would be stuck in a little town with no family and no way out. 
I do wonder how people can casually walk away from their marriages but not everyone does that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ferndog

diwali123 said:


> It's hard but I know our lives are immensely better now than they would have been had I stayed. Now she has an independent mother with a good job, and can live in a living home witnessing a healthy marriage between her stepfather and I. Had I stayed I'd be stuck in a crap job or no job, doing everything while he partied with friends, she would hear us fighting all the time, see him refusing to talk to me for days at a time, hear him calling me names, and we would be stuck in a little town with no family and no way out.
> I do wonder how people can casually walk away from their marriages but not everyone does that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes I understand. It just seems so selfish when one person forgets what's important (family) and doesn't step up to the plate. My father married at age 35 he is now 72. He would always come home straight from work. As An adult I asked him why he never brought friends over or went out on occasion with them.

He told me. The following

"when I met your mother I knew she was the one, many men far too many make the mistake of treating woman as property, a woman is like a flower they need constant care. Give them love, nurture them, show them attention let them know you are a provider a caregiver and more than likely she will reward you with the most faithful love you'll ever know.

When I got married your mother became everything to me and the way to remain happy is to be a real man and remember what the promise of marriage is. A man should make an honest living, be a provider be the Rock of the house. No woman could make me as happy as your mother and I was never going to risk losing the love of my life for friends, other woman, or any other reason

True happiness is at home and I always knew that"

My dad has shown me values and even through my ordeal he gave me the best advise 

To accept my faults, deal with my issues and keep hope in my heart while showing my worth by becoming the best I can be. I

I guess at the end your ex didn't appreciate what he had at home a good family, something he won't find in parties or friends. Some just refuse to grow up even after having children. I'm glad that your child is ok cause ultimately they are the innocent and some may lack the warmth and love of a father
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Lon said:


> HNU, we just did that, drove to my old home city, met my mom there, saw my grandmother, swam in her pool for a couple days, my son got to play with his 2nd cousins a little, then spent two nights at my aunt and uncles cabin, long road trip. it was ok but just not fulfilling like things like this used to sometimes be (and I don't mean before the separation, because it feels like this since before, just the occassional bright moments). I am completely exhausted, was nice to have family around for my son, but it was no vacation. Everyone else was glad to see me and my son, but for me it just felt like nonstop stress. I am not here to complain, I am doing things right as far as my son goes, I think. I am just trying to find the missing piece that is supposed to make me feel like its worth it. Trying to hang in just feeling like I've been at the end of my rope with no relief in sight.


You're right about it being no vacation. Going home isn't a road trip! I mean it is, but it didn't get you 1-1 time with your son to build a sense of adventursome bonding. I mean a real road trip, where you are just as clueless about what to do as your kid is, and together you decide what looks cool to explore. I once when on a road trip with my dad and we stopped to get a chili dog at 9:30 in the morning. That was many many years ago but I remember that. We also went to plays when I was a bit older, early teens, when camping and I remember those plays because they were special, Shakespeare and other plays done by really good theater troupes in the White Mountains. Personally, I always felt most cr*ppy when other people helped me too much with my son. In fact, I even moved out of my home town for an entire year in protest because I wanted to parent on my own for a year. I came back at the end of the year, well-satisfied, lol. Sometimes you just want to do things on your own. 


I wish I could send you the jolt of feeling just a little bit of irreverance and some spirit of adventurous energy that you are looking for. Have you thought about going to a family camp together? I'm not sure where exactly you are in Canada but check out Camp Nominingue in Lac Nominingue, Quebec. There is an English speaking family camp at the end of the summer, you can stay for any number of days and included are canoe trips out into the Laurentides. Highly recommended. This camp is a lot of fun. My older son went there for years, and he was a trip leader/counselor for a year or two. It is just the place if you need a refresher course in how to be a bit wild, with dignity preserved.


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## diwali123

Ferndog: it's a long story but he lied about what he wanted. I was assured before we TTC that we would be equals, that he wanted to stay home with us, that he couldn't wait to spend time as a family, that he would be there for me. Three weeks before due date he tells me he doesn't think he should have to help with the baby at all because he would be working full time and I wouldn't. I was shocked.
Not once did he get up in the night. If I asked him to change a diaper I would get eye rolls, huffing and dirty looks. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere by myself without him getting irate. Not even for an hour. I had double ear infections so bad in both ears that they had to numb my ear and put a wick in to get medicine in it. He wouldn't take time off work to let me rest. He wouldn't agree to me getting my own car, and even when I started working full time nothing changed. He would call me names in front of her, he would have tantrums, and even after we started MC he would frequently just not come home after work and say he was stuck in traffic when we lived in a small town. Turned out he was going to friends' houses to have time to himself. 
Basically what happened is he's an emotional abuser who knew our marriage was over so he piled on the charm and acted like he was moving forward. Therapists have told me he sounds sociopathic. 
He wanted to have a baby to trap me, keep me down, exhaust me into suission and punish me for all the "horrible" things I'd done in the past,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon

ferndog said:


> Just seems to me men get screwed over the most in divorce with financial and custody.


I don't feel like I got screwed over, though I do see that happen a lot if the DW is nasty about it. My son got screwed over though. As for me I am feeling its this same lack of fulfillment that cost me my marriage, I know I get depression and I've sought professional help for it, thing is I know I'm not a burden on anyone, I have love to give just feel so underappreciated for too long. I don't think its the depressive episodes that is holding me back, however even still at this moment I can't seem to make anything happen with a woman whom there is mutual attraction - and I'd honestly take the crappy marriage to an emotionally absent woman to no relationship at all, because atleast the level of fulfillment was equally low but atleast life was somewhat easier as my child was not split between two homes, and it made parenting atleast reasonably more doable. But I suppose that choice was taken away since the ex obviously couldn't suffer me any longer. I have often agreed it is better that a child has two separate and happy parents than one bad home, however my sentiment at the moment is different - I think having two unfulfilled parents in one home is better than having two unfulfilled parents split up.

I come across as really negative at the moment I'm sure, and throughout this thread, its just like my one place to vent, people in real life probably have no clue how down I really am because of my general pleasant disposition. the people on TAM just get the worst of me most of the time.


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## ferndog

diwali123 said:


> Ferndog: it's a long story but he lied about what he wanted. I was assured before we TTC that we would be equals, that he wanted to stay home with us, that he couldn't wait to spend time as a family, that he would be there for me. Three weeks before due date he tells me he doesn't think he should have to help with the baby at all because he would be working full time and I wouldn't. I was shocked.
> Not once did he get up in the night. If I asked him to change a diaper I would get eye rolls, huffing and dirty looks. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere by myself without him getting irate. Not even for an hour. I had double ear infections so bad in both ears that they had to numb my ear and put a wick in to get medicine in it. He wouldn't take time off work to let me rest. He wouldn't agree to me getting my own car, and even when I started working full time nothing changed. He would call me names in front of her, he would have tantrums, and even after we started MC he would frequently just not come home after work and say he was stuck in traffic when we lived in a small town. Turned out he was going to friends' houses to have time to himself.
> Basically what happened is he's an emotional abuser who knew our marriage was over so he piled on the charm and acted like he was moving forward. Therapists have told me he sounds sociopathic.
> He wanted to have a baby to trap me, keep me down, exhaust me into suission and punish me for all the "horrible" things I'd done in the past,
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes I understand some men never grow up and see their wife as a partner. Yes I believe in marriage but you have to love yourself first and if your husband didn't want to change for the better than what can you do. It's good to reflect on things and it's ok to believe in your partner the problem is many stop believing in themselves. Sad but true.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ferndog

ferndog said:


> Yes I understand some men never grow up and see their wife as a partner. Yes I believe in marriage but you have to love yourself first and if your husband didn't want to change for the better than what can you do. It's good to reflect on things and it's ok to believe in your partner the problem is many stop believing in themselves. Sad but true.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He sounds like he has emotional issues. Hell never change if he doesn't admit them. 
I was absent from my wife for a long time. But she felt was because I took her for granted. 
Divorce came and went I love her and Ive learned that my problem was well my problem. I didn't love myself but I'm slowly learning to. I have emotional issues but it's no excuse. All I can do is better myself and become the loving person I know I can be. Every relationship is different .

I just needed to be alone so I can see how uncomfortable I was in my own skin. Now I actually like myself. With time I know I'll love myself. 
My friends tell me to date etc. but that's the last thing I need . I need focus and I'm in a good place. And little does my ex wife know I still believe in her. She may never return but just like I lost a great woman she lost a faithful loving husband. I just have to show my worth to myself. Sorry for the venting. Just don't want anyone to think I know what I'm talking about. I get confused to and I'm far from perfect and I my advice is no better than others. All I can honestly say is it comes from a caring loving place.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon

Thank you 3leaf... really...thank you! And to the other comments too, but reading yours it seems like you get what I am feeling.

Looking back on the first two years of my son's life, the sleepless nights for both of us, the constant fatigue, I remember thinking it will get better (and feeling so guilty about my now ex W's fatique, which really wasn't my fault at all I know, but still couldn't shake).

Lately all this lack of energy, feeling like time is slipping away so fast, combined with my own loneliness really has just been giving me hopeless feelings.

I know i will get through it though, just seems this is going to be a really long stretch and not sure when I'm gonna come out the other side, and I want to come through without irrepairable damage, not just for me but for my son. I don't seek the perfect life, just hate the idea of lost opportunities. But at the moment I am doing the best I can do, so I suppose I am feeling okay about this all.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Lon, it sounds like you have experienced a lot of trauma. But it hasn't been any one event, just a series of emotional events that have added up to have a huge effect. It doesn't matter one bit that others might not experience the same sort of things and events and not be traumatized, just be disconcerted or irritated or whatever and deal with it without it upsetting their apple cart or making a huge blip on their radar screen. What matters is that you personally have had a traumatic event, and it is going to take a while before you process it. You need a lot of days of being there for yourself to build up self-trust at knowing how you can effectively deal with your moods when they begin to impair you from having the life you would like to have. That just takes time, and a lot of effort, and behavioral changes in the absence of really being able to register the benefit. One day you'll wake up and you'll realize how long you've 'been there' for yourself, and things will feel better. It's not a matter of perspective or snapping out of it. You don't recover from trauma with a snap of the fingers or some new mantra. You recover from being patient and understanding with yourself and consistently for the most part being reliable and trustworthy when it comes to doing the little things for yourself that you know you need, and the big things too (which you seem to have covered.)


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## Bafuna

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bafuna

Cant you find help on some of the days he is with you, a relative or grandparent to come over??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri

*zombie thread.*


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