# Newly married and struggling. Need advice!



## busybee1 (Feb 2, 2016)

Hi all,

So i've been married for just over a year and prior to that we were dating for a year. It was amazing, we would go for walks, cuddle and watch tv, have great sex. He swept me off my feet, i had come out of a 5 year relationships and he put me back together. We were completely in love and so when i had to shift to a new city to live with him, i didn't think twice. Initially it was great but over the last few months things have been strained. He has not been able to get an erection for close to 6 months, our sex life is non existent and when i implore him to get himself checked, he downright refuses. Calling me everything from uncaring to a nag and sometimes even getting verbally abusive. I miss our intimacy, the lack of a physical connection has led to a cooling off in the emotional section as well. 

This added with the fact that i've been unable to find a job in this new city is stressing me out.I've worked for the last 12 years and have been financially dependent since i graduated from school and so to now be married and dependant on someone else is taking a strain on me. It's not been easy and my husband is constantly nagging me about not doing anything and spending all his money, which is far from the truth. I've been digging into my savings and now am almost broke. My husband earns close to $20,000 dollars a month and the disparity between our incomes is causing a lot of strife. He makes me feel small and useless. 

When we travel for holidays he asks me to book my own tickets, which he says he'll reimburse me for because he can't show mine as work expenses if he books on his account(legit reason). He insists on traveling business class and so i have splurge extra cash. I would otherwise fly coach. The problem is he has now refused to reimburse me for any of the tickets saying if i didn't want to spend so much money i should have just traveled coach. Am i wrong in thinking that this is absurd?

The other day i stepped out for dinner with a friend, husband was flying in to town after an out of town work conference. The plan was that i would carry on and send the driver to pick him up in the other car. I told the driver that i would not be back till after dinner and he should go pick up my husband at 9pm. At 8pm just when dinner was to be served the driver calls and tells me that there was no fuel in the other car, i had to leave dinner and rush home so he could get to my husband in time. When hubby gets home he asked me what i was doing there, i told him about what happened and he shouted at me for being irresponsible and not checking to see if his car had fuel. I explained to him that i had told his driver almost three hours prior to me leaving that he was to pick him up and he should have informed me at that point. But it didn't matter, it turned into a mud slinging match where he said that considering i was jobless and had nothing to do with my time, i could at least run the house properly.
Another problem in our relationship is our in laws. They live in the same city as my parents and when i go home to visit they expect me to stay with them even if my husband is not with me. My husband never calls on my parents when he's in their city but i'm expected to go live with his. I've grown up in a family where we don't talk every day but it's alright. He talks to both his parents every single day and visits them every two weeks and gets upset if i don't speak to them at least three times a week. Even during our honeymoon they would constantly call us on Facetime and expect me to drop everything and come chat with them.
My father in law controls all my husbands finances and my husband other than paying his father a monthly stipend of $1500 is also constantly sending them for fancy holidays, buying gifts etc He's also payed for my brother in laws master degree. In the last three months he's bought phones and laptops for my father, mother, brother and sister in laws plus sending them for holidays, But if i ask for grocery money he says i'm spending too much. It irks me that he spends so much time and effort on his family but neglects my feelings. He wants to start a family but I'm not so sure because i feel he if he can't trust me now and keeps me away from all his finances then how can i be sure he'll look after our family later. He constantly tells me that he loves me but if anything were to happen to him he would only leave me with 10% of his earning and the rest would be split between his parents and his brother. I'm not expecting anything from him but it's hurtful to have to hear this constantly. How can someone who claims to love you as much as he does be so callous.

I'm at my wits end. I worked, had a great group of friends and was financially independent and now post marriage i feel like all that has slipped away. What do i do? Any advice is welcome. 

Another thing to mention is that although my parents live in the same city i can't leave my husband and go live with either of them because they are separated. My father is pretty well of but is an alcoholic and has not looked after me financially since i was 18 and my mother is struggling to make ends meet. Plus since i spent a lot of my own money doing up our house(which he asked me to) i don't have enough left to sustain rent for more than two months.


----------



## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Couples counseling. He's making lots of money, but is a cheapskate with you, If I made $3000K a month of more - I'd prefer the wife to stay home and take care of the household operations and baby. He seems to have anger / control issues. Come on, you HAVE to talk to his parents all the time. He has to as well? But you are kind of blacked out from your own family?

I can only imagine it getting worse with children.

I love sharing our child with both of our families. I enjoy spending time with my inlaws and help to make sure my wife can spend as much time as she can as well.

Overall, your life seems kind of easy, but there are emotional / power imbalances between you two. He also needs to be MAN enough to go see a doctor. Sounds like you both are in your mid-30s, right? His penis should be working fine. Stress from work and life can cause problems. Health issues. As well mental issues. Last but not least, maybe he's seeing someone else.

I had ED problems, I went my doctor who gave me some viagra samples - which kind of helped, but he did some blood work on me, confirming my health as top notch. I was stressed with work, but the real causes were mental with my relationship issues with my wife and trama matters, when those were resolved, so was the ED.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

I don't get it. Drop his sorry ass? Plan if you have to. But get a job, get independent and get out. Live with your drunkard Dad if you have to.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

busybee1,

Knowing the country where you live would really help. It sounds to me like your husband's ethics are different from western ones.

If you moved back where you used to live, how quickly could you get a job, any job?

I think you need to leave this guy. He does not love you. It's unclear why he married you. A person who loves their spouse does not treat them the way he is treating you.


----------



## busybee1 (Feb 2, 2016)

TaDor said:


> Couples counseling. He's making lots of money, but is a cheapskate with you, If I made $3000K a month of more - I'd prefer the wife to stay home and take care of the household operations and baby. He seems to have anger / control issues. Come on, you HAVE to talk to his parents all the time. He has to as well? But you are kind of blacked out from your own family?
> 
> I can only imagine it getting worse with children.
> 
> ...


Ta dor,I forgot to mention that his ED is diabetes related. He's been diabetic for about 10 years. I didn't know it was a side effect up until recently because we had no issues when we were dating. And so it was a bit of a shock for me to hear him say that it's normal for this to happen and it's happened in the past as well. My problem is he should have one day in conversation maybe, just maybe said 'hey baby, so now that i've asked you to marry me, i think you should know that sometimes i have spells of ED which can go on for a couple of years so maybe you should go out and buy yourself a vibrator'. That would have prepared me for this. Apparently the last time this happened to him, it went on for close to 3 years and he didn't get it checked even then. I just don't understand why he won't go see a doctor. I'm definitely not okay with waiting it out. Could be a year or 5? Scary!!
I'm in my early thirties and he's going to turn 40 this year and wants to have kids soon, which is great but in order to have kids, we need to have sex!
We are comfortable, in the material sense. The problem is his mood swings, they're completely out of control. I spoke to my aunt who's a doctor and apparently that's another side effect of diabetes. Couples counselling is also out, i tried to get him to go. He thinks because i've had a dysfunctional childhood i'm not being able to assimilate into his family. Who by the way are sweet but super religious.They go to church three times a week, plus 'god' comes to my mother in law in her dreams to give her advice (usually about our relationship) it's hilarious  

My conundrum is do i stay with him do i leave? Stinginess aside, most of our issues are somehow related to his illness and sure i didn't understand the magnitude of what i was getting myself into but i did marry him..


----------



## busybee1 (Feb 2, 2016)

NobodySpecial said:


> I don't get it. Drop his sorry ass? Plan if you have to. But get a job, get independent and get out. Live with your drunkard Dad if you have to.


Hahahah yes i could live with my drunkard dad. He'd actually be very happy to let me crash at his till i sort myself out but that's a whole different ballgame. He's one of the nicest, gentlest and most amazing people but he does have a drinking problem and i've spent the better half of my childhood visiting him in rehab.If i were to live with him i'd just get sucked into a whole new vortex. 

The crazy thing is i had managed to break away from all this. I was living on my own, had a great job was financially independent, got married and then poof... But i'm still on the lookout for work. Hopefully something will pan out soon. All i'm lacking is the confidence that comes with being financially independence. Once that happens i can make the right decision as opposed to one made out of fear of being homeless


----------



## busybee1 (Feb 2, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> busybee1,
> 
> Knowing the country where you live would really help. It sounds to me like your husband's ethics are different from western ones.
> 
> ...


Ele girl,

You're absolutely right, these are not western ethics. I'm Indian but was born and brought up in Africa. My family had lived there for generations before upping and moving to London, Australia and finally settling in India 15 years ago. 
My parents identify as agnostic/atheist and so i've grown up in a non religious household where we spoke about science, astronomy amongst other stuff. I had a very liberal upbringing, the freedom to make my own decisions- no questions asked. 
The reason i mention all this here is because my husband has lived in India his entire life,his conditioning and upbringing is completely different from mine. He's grown up in a religious household and not just adhering to one faith. I think they've switched their faith three times. They're a typical Indian family. my brother in law,sister in law and their child live at home with my mother and father in law. That's normal by the way! My husband moved away when we was 17 and started working, he's well educated, well traveled and really intelligent. We met at a friends wedding and he seemed like the complete antitheses of the typical misogynistic Indian men that believe women are their property. We had a lot of common friends all writers, artists, film makers, it was amazing. Which is why i think post marriage i'm a little shocked that i didn't realise how much i didn't know about him. He never spoke to me about his family being overtly needy or religious, he would always say that once we got married there was no need for me to stay with my in laws when i visited home. He understood that i needed space and that because i'd been in boarding school my entire life, my relationship with my parents was one of love but that didn't mean that i had to talk to them or see them all the time and so he wouldn't expect me to do that with his parents.
But now suddenly, everything's changed. I've realised this is a result of deep rooted conditioning which is why he doesn't understand my point of view. For him, everyone else makes these compromises when they get married. But for me, it's not a compromise it's a full life style change. I can't just wake up one day and become religious or give up my entire way of life because i'm married.
Sorry i'm rambling now.


----------



## AACoupledUp (Feb 3, 2016)

RUUUUUUUUUUNNNNN! Seriously, life is too short to waste time being miserable.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

busybee1 said:


> Ele girl,
> 
> You're absolutely right, these are not western ethics. I'm Indian but was born and brought up in Africa. My family had lived there for generations before upping and moving to London, Australia and finally settling in India 15 years ago.
> 
> ...


I was guessing that he is from India. 

As people get older, they often gravitate back to a lot of the culture that they were brought up in. That also happens when a person marries

I truly don't see how you can stay in this marriage. It's sad and I hate to say that, but I just do not see things getting better for you.


----------



## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

busybee1 said:


> Ta dor,I forgot to mention that his ED is diabetes related. He's been diabetic for about 10 years. I didn't know it was a side effect up until recently because we had no issues when we were dating. ~~ I just don't understand why he won't go see a doctor. I'm definitely not okay with waiting it out. Could be a year or 5? Scary!!
> 
> I'm in my early thirties and he's going to turn 40 this year and wants to have kids soon, which is great but in order to have kids, we need to have sex!
> 
> My conundrum is do i stay with him do i leave? Stinginess aside, most of our issues are somehow related to his illness and sure i didn't understand the magnitude of what i was getting myself into but i did marry him..


Sorry, but he needs to stop being ashamed of his penis and go see a doctor. Viagra, or something may help. I'm NOT a doctor, but I used this tool called "google" and in a minute or two, Viagra *IS* useful for diabetics. Also, it can even reduce diabetes. 

So you see, there are solutions and he has the money to do so. If he isn't willing to HELP himself - you can't force him. Then go find a real man. (I'm being blunt).

You don't require sex to have children. But without intimacy, your marriage is doomed.

In my thread, I posted about being 40 and my wife is 30. I've had ED problems and got tests done.

If my penis was to STOP working forever, etc... then I wouldn't expect my wife to live without sex. And this is coming from me, whose wife just had an affair for two months! Part of the affair was ED related. As of today, my tool works fine without medication. 

Go talk to a therapist. You want things to work, but have doubt. He isn't making much of an effort and seems insulting - to me.

The reason I am working on our relationship is that we both are making the effort to save our marriage and doing the right things to get it done.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

This early on and with the issues that you are writing about....the marriage will be doomed. I don't want to be the bearer of bad news but unless you both get some counseling or he sees you as a partner...this will not go away on its own.

I know you love him. I know you remember how great it was before the marriage. I had the same thing....3 years of dating that was fun and loving. We get married and things went downhill. I spent a lot of time trying to fix; communicate; love and being frustrated. Today, 3 years after our marriage we are divorcing. There was really nothing left for ME to do. My partner wasn't willing or able to do the work!

Make a plan to take care of yourself....separating is an option if he cannot work on the relationship with you.


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

In this day and age, why people still settle for this level of misery and bullsh1t is beyond me. India or not, doesn't matter. Better options were abundant when you chose to marry this sorry excuse for a husband. 

Your own bed. You made it. Either sleep in it or get out and learn from it.


----------

