# QUESTION for men and women



## kirablue (Feb 20, 2008)

Hi this is my first post I am 43, married for 4 years. My husband told me tonite, I will quote it exactly........"You do not need to talk to me anymore about what you need (love, affection, attention, communication) I understand what you are asking for, what you don't understand is--I have no intention of ever giving it to you" 

"If you keep trying to get love, affection and keep trying to communciate with me I will divorce you"

I have been dealing with these issues for awhile,:scratchhead: but tonite was the first night he said it or maybe it was the first night I was able to hear it clearly. I would love responses to this.

Thank you


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## sarahdale24 (Feb 3, 2008)

Honestly if my husband EVER said that to me exactly, then I would beat him to the Divorce! Thats disrespectful! You deserve soooo much better!


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## dweezledap (Feb 7, 2008)

First off I am a 40 year old man. I have had my share of bad relationships and at the present point am having some serious marital issues myself ... 

But I would Never! Ever! Say something like that to my wife (not even one of my ex-wives).

Quote:
"but tonite was the first night he said it or maybe it was the first night I was able to hear it clearly."

Does your husband speak English? ... or is this just how you felt?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Kirablue 

What a horrible thing for him to say. It sounds as if he has completely withdrawn from the marriage and has not intentions of trying to make it better. Let alone showing a complete lack of respect for you. Reading between the lines I assume you have been trying to get through to him for some time. For him to say you will never get what you are asking from him is a very bad sign. I would suggest you seek counsel for yourself at first, then try and involve him. I am so sorry to hear this. Stay in contact with the forum for help and support. It doesn’t look like you’ll be getting that from him any time soon. Good luck and God bless.


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## kirablue (Feb 20, 2008)

Hi thank you so much for the responses. Dweezledap, thank you very much for your reply, I am not sure I understand the question you asked.....yes my husband does speak english I was quoting him exactly....what I meant to say, and maybe I was not clear, is that what he said to me it seems he has indicated many times in various ways in the past but not as clearly as he did last night. ) Now I really understand what he means BUT it is no less confusing to me to find out that my husband has that ridgid of rules for me.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

In my opinion without communication you have no relationship at all, and since he refuses to give you the basics of a relationship let alone a marriage I think you should divorce him. It seems more like he is using you when he needs you and leaves you wanting. This BTW is a form of emotional abuse, often going to yelling and up from there.

draconis


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## stav (Feb 5, 2008)

Poor you  what an awful thing to have to hear from the person supposedly closest to you, that is your partner in life.

Has this man told you WHY he has no intention of taking part in a normal loving relationship with his own wife? 

Why did he marry you?? 

So he will divorce you if you try to communicate with him... I suggest your next communication should be a letter from your lawyer because I think he is preparing to divorce you anyway, but wants it to be when it most suits him. Perhaps home/job are an issue, or maybe there is some other woman who is not yet 'available' to move in with.

As the old saying goes, 'do unto others, as they would do unto you... but do it FIRST!'


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## kirablue (Feb 20, 2008)

Hi thank you all so much for your responses.....how thankful I am that I can share these things and get feedback, I am truly quite confused. I have asked him why he is so ridgid, and why there are so many rules in our marriage After many, many screaming and swearing responses I believe I am FINALLY beginning to understand just a bit.........my husbands' life revolves around his pleasure and his pleasure alone, mainly his toys and projects, it took me a very long time to realize that I am not really one of his pleasures, or maybe I was but that ended for him. Now when I approach him to talk, to connect emotionally, it takes away from him pleasuring himself, he does not want to even think about anything that I may need from him, even the term NEED makes him very angry. I have asked him if there is another woman or if he desires another.....he is adamant that there is not, he shakes his head and says "yeah that's all I want another woman and all the hassles that go with that, no way!" What I have the most trouble with, and may seem very stupid to those reading this, is that I hear the words but it is so hard for me to absorb all of it, it is so foreign to me to treat someone, anyone like that, and especially not your spouse, why in the world would someone want to do that? I receive the absolute greatest joy in my life by bringing happiness and comfort to others, I cannot get on the same page as my husband about this, maybe someone else who feels as he does could expand on this? Thank you all so much, I am glad this site is here. )


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## stav (Feb 5, 2008)

It does sound as if marrying you was one of his 'projects' that he now considers 'completed'

It isn't stupid, because I am also having trouble absorbing this weird attitude of his. When you get married, you enter into a partnership, making two parts a stronger whole. You are supposed to share good times, and also bad times, and downright horrific times, but always together as a unit.

He is distancing himself from his responsibility as one half of the partnership.

I always hate it when people on here immediately say 'divorce him/her' in answer to any problems, as I believe that a marriage is a committment that shouldn't be easy to get out of, and about trying hard to make things work, but to be perfectly honest with you, I think in this case, there is nothing else you can do.

You are a normal woman who deserves to be in a loving relationship the same as everybody else. Your husband isn't capable of one


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Kirablue

Reading further down your post I suspect your husband is trying to have complete and utter control of you. To make that kind of statement reflects that, I believe. If you are feeling controlled then you need to work on your personal strengths and self image. You are his wife not a doormat. If he is not willing to provide you with what you need you should find other outlets for them. I’m not suggesting an affair or anything of the sort but pick up a hobby, socialize with friends, go out and do things for your self and forget him. I believe if you can show some independence and that you don’t need him he may get the point. If not, at least you are growing as a person and will have other people and projects to turn to should the marriage fail. Anyway best of luck and take care.

Amp


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## fredfoxw28 (Jan 11, 2008)

I agree with Amplexor. You need to find yourself and gain independnece from him. That is emotional abuse and you deserve better then that. I think you should see a counselor. Just you at first becasue I think there may be some insecurity issues and your husband feels like he has the upper hand.


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## berlinlife06 (Dec 26, 2007)

Well, seems to me like he gave up long ago the marriage, and being married is something that he is, not something he is doing and building up and trying to grow into... I´d say get youlrself a lawyer and serve him with papers! You deserve a lot better!!


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

berlinlife06 said:


> Well, seems to me like he gave up long ago the marriage, and being married is something that he is, not something he is doing and building up and trying to grow into... I´d say get youlrself a lawyer and serve him with papers! You deserve a lot better!!


Ditto.

draconis


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## Goodkatt (Feb 18, 2008)

WOW! I am floored! :scratchhead:
Pick yourself up sweetheart, brush yourself off and get into action. Abuse should never be an option. Please do not let anyone treat you with such disrespect and abuse. You do not have to accept and settle for this treatment. As long as you allow someone to treat you with such disregard for your feelings, you will not have what you need in a relationship. Love yourself enough to take action to change this negative environment that you are living in. If you have children, I assume that your husband probably treats the children the same way, is this correct? You deserve a loving spouse and if you have children, they deserve a father that is emotionally available. Create a life you love, create a healthly environment and don't settle for less.


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## AliceIam (Mar 2, 2008)

Wow, that seems really outrageous. I couldn't imagine my fiancee telling me that. I would suggest counseling or maybe asking him more about it, like: Why does he feel that way? Why does he want to stay with you?


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## kirablue (Feb 20, 2008)

Hi again all. Thank you very much for all your responses. I have begun counseling, it has just started but I have already been told I am in a very abusive relationship. I am beginning to accept what is really happening, but, I am still in a type of shock. I am having a very hard time fully accepting that my husband does not care about me at all, I hear the words, I see the evidence, but it is quite hard for me to really "get it". So I guess I should say I am coming along but really at a snails pace, it is very, very hard for me. I have done as requested and stopped talking with him, we have spoken to each other about a total of 6 minutes in the past 8 days. He does not scream and yell at me when I do not speak, he just acts as if I do not exist at all. I know now, as I put in an earlier response, that his desire is every moment to pleasure himself, I have fallen out of that catagory of something that pleasures him, so to him I can see now that I do not exist. He believes now that everything is going very well because I have completely stopped talking to him, touching him, and looking at him. From past experince, if in any way I did again begin to try to talk with him or tell him this is all painful to me, he would look at me as if shocked and say, "I thought everything was going well". One counselor a few years back after talking with my husband, but only for a few hours, said that her tentative belief was that he is a malignant narcissist, a sociopath, and evil. I probably should have listened then, but being an eternal optomist, I kept hoping. This is so painful. I am so glad that this site is here. One asked if we have children, he has 2 from a previous marriage, as they are getting older, we see them less. He does treat them in a similar way but he makes more of an effort with them, although he has told me that he "has to do it". Thank you all. I am taking it day by day.


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## stav (Feb 5, 2008)

I hope the therapy gives you the strength you need to escape from this horrific life. I can't imagine in a million years of trying what it must be like for you. It is lucky for you that you have no children to worry about. You can leave without that burden.

At the moment you are nothing more than this evil man's servant, and you deserve much more. He may not be beating you with a stick, but this is still abuse, worse than the physical kind, as bruises can heal, but the mental pain will always be with you.

I hope you manage to get away, I'll be thinking of you, as I am sure we all are, Please let us know how you are getting on.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Narcissists, by nature, do not have empathy for others. From what you've posted, that counselor was probably right. It is very rare that a narcissist will ever change their behavior as it doesn't coincide with the self-fulfillment they thrive on. I hope you have the support of family and friends to keep your spirits up and keep you believing in the good person you are. If your husband has manipulated you into thinking you are useless or not deserving of anything more than he has given you, please know that this is his sickness and nothing to do with who you are...don't let him drag you down. With his attitude and behavior, he has failed you. You have not failed & deserve to move on and be happy. Trying to fix anything with him will probably only be spinning your wheels and make you feel worse in the end. Leaving him will probably make him angry as he will no longer have control, but he will not learn from it. Good luck.


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