# How do I get past resentment?



## need_help

My husband is a good man. He is a good father and loves me and the children. But we aren't happy.

I have some built up anger and resentment towards him because he is not who I want him to be. I'm afraid that I married the wrong person. It scares me because I see myself and him in my parents relationship. I swore I would never let that happen. My daughter has even asked me why I'm so mean to daddy, and this kills me.

We both work full time and have 2 kids (7&4). I feel like I do EVERYTHING at home...laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping, cooking, paying the bills. I have asked him to help out more, specifically taking care of cooking dinner because he gets home from work a lot earlier than I do. It's been a couple months and things haven't changed. I am just so TIRED of doing all of this and then fighting over it. Last night was bad. He told our 7 yr old to "shut up" over something and I flew off the handle. I ended up telling him that one of us needs to leave because whatever we are doing is not working. He packed up his bags but didn't leave. He's making up excuses saying that he's having nicotine withdrawals and that's why he's been acting this way. I know it goes much, much deeper than this. He also holds resentment towards me because I don't have sex with him once a week. He told me that if I had sex with him at least that often that things would change. But the thought of having sex with him repulses me. And it's not because of him physically...it's because of all this resentment. It's much more emotional for me.

I'm just having a very hard time accepting him for who he is. I know I can't change him. But how can I let go of these angry feelings towards him?


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## rome2012

Wow....it's almost like my husband wrote this !!!!!

I would like to answer further, but for now I have to head back to work.....

I will get back with you though....


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## christine30

I am sorry to hear what you are going through?

Have you spoken to him about how you feel, have you sat down with him and try to compromise on an agreement of taking turns with the chores.
Also, at times when he gets this way, why dont you just walk away, sometimes i feel the man just edge us on;to see how far we can go and make us look as if we at fault.
its bad that the argument is bringing the kids involved, but maybe you should try to talk to him and have him come to a compromise. Is there something else that is bothering him that he is keeping from you besides the smoking part.


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## need_help

christine30 said:


> I am sorry to hear what you are going through?
> 
> Have you spoken to him about how you feel, have you sat down with him and try to compromise on an agreement of taking turns with the chores.
> Also, at times when he gets this way, why dont you just walk away, sometimes i feel the man just edge us on;to see how far we can go and make us look as if we at fault.
> its bad that the argument is bringing the kids involved, but maybe you should try to talk to him and have him come to a compromise. Is there something else that is bothering him that he is keeping from you besides the smoking part.


Yes, we have discussed the chores thing numerous times. At one point the both of us attended my therapist in which this was addressed. Nothing changes. 

The underlying issue at hand with him is that I am not fulfilling his needs sexually and this in turn makes him resent me. He thinks that if I would just give him sex things would change. But like I said, I can't bring myself to do this. I need to feel loved and respected in order to have sex with him and I am just not getting it.


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## Pandakiss

that was my h and i for years. why didnt you help more, i need sex more. 

we went 10 years with this back and forth. he wanted sex, but we woud fight, i would with hold. it became mostly negative. just the daily impact on our lives was hertbreaking. we would have huge fights, just blow the roof off, knock down the walls, every year, and a worse one every 2 years.

i tried to fix everything else that was wrong. i change the way i talked to him the way i listened, the way i asked for things. but we would still fight like clock work.

we finally had nothing else to do, no bills, no home, no car, no money, nothing else to do or see but us. and we finnally had "that talk".

we waited unit the kids were in bed [by this time we had an apartment] we got 3 packs of nicotine, 2 red bulls and confronted almost everything. some things you can still keep to your self.

this talk was not planed...it just sort of happened. i found out he had restment because of how i viewed sex through him, and we talked about what sex ment to each of us, and where we could go if we just shared more, like i tell him when im having a "*****" day and dont want to be touched.

i started to really see sex from hs point of view, like through his eyes looking at me. if he gave me oral the way i gave it to him, he would have to die...lol. 

so really started to think about the past 5 years aand what we had been through, i said i was sorry, for real sorry. i told what i wanted from our sex lives. how i wanted to play and be nice during everything.

it released his past ghost that was haunting him, and he told me about his 10/15 years of restments. 

it took 5 hours and three trips to the gas station.

if you can get your h in some alone time that is not in the bedroom, a netural zone, very real talk, but still using words nicely, and keeping in mind some things are just mean and would just be hurtfull to say.

sorry if its so long.


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## Blanca

Is this resentment really about the chores? my H doesnt clean either and sometimes i make that the issue when its really other things that go much deeper. my parents fought about chores and that was not the issue. You say he's not the man you thought he was, so is there anything else?


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## need_help

Blanca said:


> Is this resentment really about the chores? my H doesnt clean either and sometimes i make that the issue when its really other things that go much deeper. my parents fought about chores and that was not the issue. You say he's not the man you thought he was, so is there anything else?


I don't know if its something else. How can I figure this out? Would taking some time apart be beneficial? I am scared to take that step but wondering if that would help me think things through more clearly...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pandakiss

please do not take this the wrong way, but did you say that your h said that he would help out more if he was getting sex, more? seems like a no brainer...

men...have terrible memories, and are self and petty and love playing tit for tat. men want something nice from you in order to do nice things for you.

if you cant bother to do dirty things with them, to show you love and appreciate them. just like you want love and adoration. you want to feel connected, and intimate, secrect-men like well love it just as much as we do. they have different views of what acts are more deeper and touch them.

if you keep pushing him away, he will push you away. just as you deny him satisaction, and happiness, he will in turn return the faavor. h will feel like you have not made him a priorty, he will rub it in your face, thaat he is not making you one.

im not saying this is you, but this was us for a long time. we talked and now we have a different view on intamaicty, and now he will do almost and with little or no complaint and i see part of our sex life as closeness not punishment.

this advice may not fit you, and i wasnt being mean with it. i hope this can help you a little.........


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## russ101

My wife also has a lot of resentment towards me mainly because she resents the fact that she also needs to work (I pay for 95% of the bills and do 80% of the housework) in order for us to have the lifestyle she wants (she wants to live in a bigger house than we have, drive a new car, go on nice vacations each year, and keep all 3 of our kids in a private school. My salary of 55,000 doesn't cover anywhere near that. She feels that all of this is my responsibility, and since we have been married a long time (18 years) I should be able to provide it. I resent her because of the lack of intimacy that we share (we only have sex a couple of times a month, and I cannot kiss her, have any type of foreplay, and she will not give me oral sex, it is just her laying there until I am done and it better not take more than 10 minutes or she will start to complain). She says that if I provide her with all the above things then she would be more than willing to provide me with what I need. Even if I truely believed her (I don't) I would not be able to give her everything she wants. We get along fine in almost every other aspect and on the surface, we look like a happy family but we are anything but that. When women have resentment towards their husbands I think it just naturally affects how they treat them in bed and if they treat their husbands poorly in the sex department, the husband starts having resentment towards the wife. It is a never ending cycle unless one of them is willing to try and change, if one is not, then they will both harbor resentment towards eachother indefinitley. If your husband is unwilling to change, and you won't either, then you either have to learn to live the way you are with him, or get out of the relationship.


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## Connected Pairs

Actually this is more common that most people realize. I would be interested in two things: 1) What are your love languages, and 2) what emotional baggage do each of you bring from you past.

I ask every couple I see to take a simple Love Lanuages Inventory which helps you see what ways you feel most loved and cared about. You can take this inventory in a few minutes at www.5lovelanguagequizes.com. 

I would venture a guess your love language is Acts of Service, which he needs to understand. When we coach couples, my husband often tells women, that thier husbands don't wake up in the morning and say, How many ways can I make wife miserable today? They just don't always think about what would make her happy. You might invite him to look at the Love Lanuage site to learn more about your Love Language. Just his asking the simple question, "What can I do to help?" is one way to speak your language, if I am correct.

We all bring baggage from our past that gets triggered by things like his being gruff with your child. This is what I call an emotional allergy. It stirs a lot of emotions, not only directed toward him, but past memories as well. There are some good ways to let him know this. You can write a letter such as: "I noticed when you told our son to "shut up" it brought back painful memories of when I was a kid. Please try to find other words to respond to our children." Writing a letter give him time to think about it. It take men longer to process emotion than women.

This is a stretch, but I'm to guess his love language is physical touch. You are obviously not ready for sex, but you might consider some form of touch you could consider. Ask him to give you that touch without a message that he wants sex. This might help you begin to let go of some of that resentment.

Hope this helps!


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## Gailie

Dear need help

I hear you about feeling resentment. I have been married over 20 years now to a "good" man and I have struggled many times over the years with the massive and overwhelming amounts of resentment that I can feel about the chore division and child care rules. I have made lists of who does what chores, sat down and written rules out so we are consistent with the kids and had everything fall apart over time.

So, I then spent hours and hours in self improvement groups and undergoing personal therapy to help me deal with these feelings because I can not change my husband, only myself, and I was not prepared to give up on the marriage over these issues. 

There are no easy solutions to these feelings and I honestly do not recommend "doing the dirty" just because you feel you should. It will only increase the feelings of resentment because you will feel you are bribing your husband to do what you feel should be his share of work. There can be such a mix of resentment and guilt blended together about marital sex and the lack thereof anyway that you don't want to muddy it up further.

I would truly suggest counseling, and if you don't think you could get him to go to some couples counseling, try getting some for yourself. It never hurts. 

Try to remember - nobody will take care of you but yourself - so take care of yourself first.


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## Blanca

need_help said:


> I don't know if its something else. How can I figure this out? Would taking some time apart be beneficial? I am scared to take that step but wondering if that would help me think things through more clearly...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


i dont know if taking time apart would help. It might sound corny but the way i identify with what is really bothering me is by meditating. There are so many things that happen in a day, so many emotions flying around, that you might just explode over the only thing you can put your finger on- the disorder of the house. it is annoying, and its right in front of you. All the other emotions you experienced that day fly around and come and go in a second. its hard to pinpoint because you're constantly on the go. But the moment you get a minute to have a visual of the house, bam! it all funnels into that. Meditation is a way for you to revisit all those emotions that flew around that day and identify how you felt when certain things happened. 

Meditation is all about learning to understand yourself better so that you can act and not react. You can learn to make a conscious choice to be upset about something instead of reacting out of pent up frustration and resentment. It also helps you pay more attention to what you feel throughout the day and what the source of your feelings are. In that way you can start to create better boundaries for yourself, and if you create better boundaries people will react to you more favorably. If you understand yourself better you'll be better able to communicate your needs to others.

Sometimes after meditation i realize a lot of my anger towards my H was not even directly about him, but i take it out on him because he's hurt me in the past so i dont trust him. If i dont trust him then when i feel vulnerable i get angry at him over little things. But sometimes after meditating i realize that i am angry directly at him about something he did earlier that day that triggered memories of things he's done in the past.


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## Catherine602

need_help said:


> Yes, we have discussed the chores thing numerous times. At one point the both of us attended my therapist in which this was addressed. Nothing changes.
> 
> The underlying issue at hand with him is that I am not fulfilling his needs sexually and this in turn makes him resent me. He thinks that if I would just give him sex things would change. But like I said, I can't bring myself to do this. I need to feel loved and respected in order to have sex with him and I am just not getting it.


Can you sit with him one more time and calmly work this out? But this time be armed with knowledge. For men, sex is their way of connecting emotionally with the woman they love. So his anger goes very deep, he thinks you don't love him and that he not attractive to you as a man, it effects how he feel in every aspect of his life. Did you know about the emotional toll lack of sex with the one he has chosen to spend his life with means emotionally to a man?

I am not saying that you are at fault or that you should have sex with him before working things out. But you are at an impasse now, your core needs are not being met and neither are his. He is wrong to not help you because you do not have sex but he is not thinking clearly because he does not feel loved or important in the family probably. 

So about the sitting down with him. Start out by saying that you both have pent up anger and you think that the relationship is worth saving and would he be willing to work on it with you. Before you sit with him, read some books so you understand him and yourself better, you would be surprised at the reasons for his actions and you amy be able to see him in a more sympathetic light. Two books come to mind "His needs, Her needs" don't know author but Google it and "the five love languages" by G Chapman

After you read it then talk to him and tell him you have been working to understand where the relationship has gone wrong ask him if he would like to read the books you read. He has to understand that sex is not the problem, it is a symptom, you can't have sex and hope things will magically clear up. You have to both be committed to getting on the right tract and sex will come naturally. 

Explain to him that you simply cannot have sex with him in order to get him to help you that he is treating you like a paid worker. Explain that you do not feel emotionally connected to him because of the things that he is doing. He does not feel emotionally connected to you because you don't have sex. Someone has to blink though to start the ball rolling. If you talk about it first maybe you can tell him that you will try to get more emotionally connected with him but you need for him to do certain things first. 

Be very explicit about what you want him to do. The idea is that chores have nothing to do with sex and intimacy. The household and child care is the responsibility of both people. When he is not doing as he should you lose respect for him. You both live in the house and you both have children and you both work. It is only fare that the place where you both live should be cared for by both of you. 

So you both feel the same way, sad, angry, disappointed, unloved, unappreciated. Remember the man you feel in love with he is still there, with faults but his essence is the part of him you feel in love with not because his was perfect. So you should both be sympathetic to each other and work this out. 

All of the problems must be discussed not just the sex.


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## unbelievable

You agreed when you married to take care of his sexual needs. I don't suppose he promised to morph into a different human being from the one you agreed to marry but you're resentful because he hasn't. You haven't been holding up your end of the agreement, so, naturally, he has little reason to be motivated to do much of anything for you. His whole well-being is linked to his need for intimacy and sexual fulfillment. He didn't create himself and he isn't acting out of the norm. He's acting like a normally functioning male of the human species. It's unfortunate that he feels anxious and irritable but it's perfectly logical, predictable, and quite avoidable. He isnt' a jerk, his spirit is just being systematically malnourished.


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## Catherine602

unbelievable said:


> You agreed when you married to take care of his sexual needs. I don't suppose he promised to morph into a different human being from the one you agreed to marry but you're resentful because he hasn't. You haven't been holding up your end of the agreement, so, naturally, he has little reason to be motivated to do much of anything for you. His whole well-being is linked to his need for intimacy and sexual fulfillment. He didn't create himself and he isn't acting out of the norm. He's acting like a normally functioning male of the human species. It's unfortunate that he feels anxious and irritable but it's perfectly logical, predictable, and quite avoidable. He isnt' a jerk, his spirit is just being systematically malnourished.


Wait a minute - you are kidding. Do you really think a woman gets married to provide a man with sexual services? They get married because they love each other and agree to make a life and home together. The agreement includes mutually satisfying sex for both. The woman has needs as vital as the man need for sex. 

What you'er saying in essence is that he does her a big favor by marring and by that act alone he is entitled to sex. I don't think so.

It's a mutual meeting of each others needs and when the mutuality breaks down both parties suffer and both are responsible. The man is not entitled to have sex with his wife just because it's so important to him. If the mutuality breaks down than sex breaks down too. 

The OP is doing everything without the help of her husband. He broke his vows to make a home with her and for their children. He left her high and dry to make the home so, he should take care of his sexual needs by himself. Why should she reward him by meeting his sexual needs? 

They got married and with the implied agreement to make a home and that means doing what it takes to run a home and take care of kids. They both live there the both had the kids and they both work. She did not agree to be his maid, cook housekeeper and nursemaid and sex thing. That's ridiculous

Luckily young boys are being brought in homes with two working parents and they see the inequity when it happens and i am certain that the mother makes sure the boys and girls know what there responsibilities to making a home for both. So the coming generation will not have this problem. 

She can't let the kids starve by not cooking and grocery shopping; she can't put them in a dirty dangerous environment by not cleaning, she cant allow them to walk abound in dirty clothes by not laundering and she cant risk their phycological health by ignoring them and coming home and sitting on the couch. So she does what is necessary. The woman acts responsibly and does what needs to done to keep things safe and clean. 

Her husband, on the other hand, thinks his sex needs are so much more important than the needs of his wife and kids. His wife has the right idea, instead of sitting it out, she does what needs to be done for the home and her kids even though she is exhausted. If she refused to do chores because he wont help out, what would you think? If he can be irresponsible so can she. There is a reason woman seldom do this, they put the needs of their kids and running a household before their own.


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## unbelievable

Actually, I'm not kidding. Whether one approaches marriage as a religious or legal institution, the answer is still the same. Husband and wife are expected to make themselves reasonably available for sex. There is no requirement that this be "mutually satisfying". Adultary is a sin and it's legal grounds for divorce because it's a violation against the rights of the offended partner. That must imply that the partner has a legitimate "right" to their spouse's body. I've conducted adultary investigations that put soldiers in prison. The wife or husband's name goes in the "victim" block of the report. Didn't matter whether the adultrous sex was "mutually satisfying" or not. The only requirement was that it happened. If a legal marriage is not consummated by sexual intercourse, it's grounds for annulment. Neither do each other a favor by marrying the other. They do, however, enter into a civil contract in which both agree to only have sex with each other. Both parties in the OPs marriage are giving minimally to the marriage and getting the expected results. As long as she is not even attempting to meet the very basic needs of her husband, she has no right to expect that he would meet her's. If he cooks and cleans the house every day, would she suddenly find him less repulsive and all his sexual frustrations would end? I doubt it. I work two jobs and do most of the housework and yard work. I buy all the groceries and cook 95% of all meals eaten at my house. I haven't had sex in weeks. If I arrive at home first, my wife never comes home without a meal being ready and a fresh pot of coffee waiting for her. She's almost always home when I get off work and I have never had either waiting for me. If I could turn water into wine and raise the dead, If I earned $500K a year and had six pack abs, my wife still has low libido, so sex is going to be sporadic or not at all. That's just the joy of chemistry and biology. If it were possible for a guy to earn sex, then nice-guy accountants would be getting laid all the time and criminal bums would never get any.


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## need_help

Wow, thank you all for your helpful responses. It is really helping me to gain some insight on all of this. 



> ... I honestly do not recommend "doing the dirty" just because you feel you should. It will only increase the feelings of resentment because you will feel you are bribing your husband to do what you feel should be his share of work.





> Explain to him that you simply cannot have sex with him in order to get him to help you that he is treating you like a paid worker.


Exactly. I feel as if I would just be doing it for him and wouldn't get any enjoyment out of it as it would contribute to my resentment. The last time I was more available sexually to him, things did not change. How can I guarantee that things will be better this time around?



> I ask every couple I see to take a simple Love Lanuages Inventory which helps you see what ways you feel most loved and cared about. You can take this inventory in a few minutes at www.5lovelanguagequizes.com.





> I would venture a guess your love language is Acts of Service...





> This is a stretch, but I'm to guess his love language is physical touch.


Wow, *Connect Pairs*, you were spot on. I took the quiz, and my primary Love Language is Acts of Service. I asked my husband to take the quiz last night, and his is Physical Touch. I am going to purchase the book and dig into this a little bit further. And I am going to try to connect with him more this way...by more hugging, touching, etc. to see if this helps a little bit.



> Can you sit with him one more time and calmly work this out? But this time be armed with knowledge. For men, sex is their way of connecting emotionally with the woman they love. So his anger goes very deep, he thinks you don't love him and that he not attractive to you as a man, it effects how he feel in every aspect of his life. Did you know about the emotional toll lack of sex with the one he has chosen to spend his life with means emotionally to a man?


Thank you *Catherine602* for explaining what might be going on in his mind and why not giving him sex contributes to many of his emotions. 

As many of you suggested, I am going to sit down one last time and talk with him and be open about what I am feeling. Hopefully after getting the knowledge I need in order to talk to him in a way he's not feeling attacked, and to try to understand him a little better, things will start looking better. All I know is that I can't continue to feel this way. It is affecting us in so many different ways and if I let things go on the way they are no one is going to benefit from this.


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## MommaGizz

need_help said:


> The underlying issue at hand with him is that I am not fulfilling his needs sexually and this in turn makes him resent me. He thinks that if I would just give him sex things would change. But like I said, I can't bring myself to do this. I need to feel loved and respected in order to have sex with him and I am just not getting it.


I'm in the same boat. It's hard to be mommy, cook, maid and sex bunny to a man who believes that it is not his job to help with domestic issues. I also hold resentment over my husband for some inappropriate conversations with past girlfriends. Apparently, my H has been talking to other women the entire time we've been together because he enjoys the attention. That's some way to show your wife respect, huh? 

We went to marriage counseling, til he found excuses not to go. It's frustruating as hell. I hope everything works out for you. Remember, if you're afraid your marriage will mirror your parents' and you don't want that for you and kids, you and your husband need to start seriously communicating. At least I'm speaking for myself here, anyway.


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## Catherine602

need_help said:


> Wow, thank you all for your helpful responses. It is really helping me to gain some insight on all of this.
> 
> As many of you suggested, I am going to sit down one last time and talk with him and be open about what I am feeling. Hopefully after getting the knowledge I need in order to talk to him in a way he's not feeling attacked, and to try to understand him a little better, things will start looking better. All I know is that I can't continue to feel this way. It is affecting us in so many different ways and if I let things go on the way they are no one is going to benefit from this.


I am so glad you are giving it a good chance to turn around. My husband and I were at an impasse similar to your's, 6 months ago but are in a much better relationship now. Not all there yet but we are getting there. I stated reading books and post by others with similar problems and I discovered, to my surprise how central sex is to the emotional connection in the marriage, I had no idea. 

That helped to break the impasse because I told him what I discovered and understood what he needed. That opened a discussion and he told me things that he never told me before. I think once you really try to understand and make it obvious that you are, it opens the relationship to go in another direction. It all depends on the people involved, I am very fortunate to be married to a good man. If your man is good, he will respond to your understanding of him by making an effort to understand you. 

I have to say that my opinion about chores is that both people are responsible for the running of the household. If the labour is not divided up equitably then the bedroom problems will not go away. No woman will work all day, slave away all evening and then reward her husband with an exciting sex session after he has done nothing all evening. 

If a man can watch his wife exhaust herself and not lift a finger then I don't think his wife is obligated to meet his needs. Sex has an emotional component for men but if he cannot bring himself to do his half of the work than he cannot expect emotional reassurance from his wife. She needs to get a good nights sleep to start the whole process over again.


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## credamdóchasgra

Blanca said:


> But sometimes after meditating i realize that i am angry directly at him about something he did earlier that day that triggered memories of things he's done in the past.


I think I do this too.

Right now I'm miffed at my husband over a comment he made the other day...but I realize that it's not really the comment that I'm upset with, but something deeper and that is rooted in what's happened in the past between us...

So I'm not entirely sure how to deal with it with this consciousness, but I do have a feeling that time, with MORE consciousness, can be healing. At least I hope.


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