# Confused, wondering, what else is there...



## jreed324 (Oct 8, 2011)

I am 33 years old. I am married for close to 6 years and we have a 4 year old. This is my second marriage. We had a very rough start and now finally things are seeming to normalize. My husband has a good stable job although I make more than twice his salary. He has amazing benefits from his job that are free and in a year from now he will be making close to what I make. 

We are good financially. No real worries there. He comes home to me every night, is not abusive, isn't into gambling, drugs, or alcohol. He doesn't even like sports or video games. He is tall and handsome. So why am I here?

I just wonder if there is something more. My husband has never told me I am beautiful. He never spontaneously touches me. We don't have much passion actually. I think I am mildly attractive. My self esteem in the beauty area has plummeted since meeting my husband. I don't need anyone to validate my worth in any other area of my life, but for some reason, him not saying I am beautiful or pretty has really hurt me. 

If I come home from work after not seeing him for hours, he wont get up and say hello. He wont say anything to me actually. He doesn't ever tell me I look nice and he never takes pictures of me without me asking. Even when I was pregnant he never felt compelled to take a picture of me. 

If we go out to dinner, our conversation is lacking. We have spent many dinners just starring into space and not talking. 


I just wish for the perfect combination of the two marriages. I want a man who is attentive and flattering. Someone who touches me as we pass each other in the kitchen. Someone who spontaneously grabs me because he just can't stop himself. 

I know this sounds like a stupid fairytale and I should be happy for having a man in my life who is 90% perfect and 100% a good father. I just often find myself feeling empty and lonely.


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## babydollnewly (May 19, 2011)

I don't think it's stupid at all, actually you sound a lot like me. Sometimes it seems like you just can't get it completely right, and no relationship is 100% but it seems like either the spouse is faithful but you feel emotionally lonely or he is a cheater and you would never know it because he is the most attentive and awesome husband, I know it's generalizing but that's how it feels to the person involved. My husband always says " it seems like you like to create problems". Or " you still don't get it after all this time there is no problem", or my personal favorite " something is wrong with you, where do you come up with this stuff?" But I have tried to just chalk it up to different personalities, ( I try, doesn't always work). But what I may see as neglect or be being ignored, he doesn't see it that way, for example, we can be home in the house and I am up stairs and him down stairs playing his game, and I feel lonely because I feel like he should be with me and not watching tv, and I bring it to his attention and he says, " I am always home and your right in arms reach, I am right here on the couch, what's wrong?". And I feel like he doesn't get it, been with him 4 years this November, been married since April, this year, never have I had to deal with another women or any of the such, but maybe we watch these tv shows and think relationships should be run a certain way, and everyone is different and thinks differently, I am more affectionate than he is, and it bothers me sometimes but you take the good with the bad, but I am also VERY emotional so I can make a whole scenario up in my head before anything even happens! Lol. Just try to make good with what you have, not settle but if this is the only thing you have to complain about, I think you are doing pretty good, talk to him about it, I also feel you on the coming in and not speaking, my husband has done that once or twice and he was playing that stupid game both times, but sometimes you can feel lonely when all you want to do is cuddle and be all over him and he would rather watch tv or is simply not in the cuddling mood, sorry for the long reply I just feel like I understand what you mean
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You just told us many of your concerns---now don't you think its time to sit your H., down and say the same things to him

If he refuses to communicate, then forcefully make him communicate, or throw a stiff consequence at him

You will lose this mge., if you can't talk to each other---the mge., has cracks in it now---so you need to deal with it

Don't get angry, or yell, just calmly sit him down, and address your concerns---if he refuses, then ask him if he would rather be in a D. action, since he doesn't wanna work on saving the mge-------


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## jreed324 (Oct 8, 2011)

jnj express said:


> You just told us many of your concerns---now don't you think its time to sit your H., down and say the same things to him
> 
> If he refuses to communicate, then forcefully make him communicate, or throw a stiff consequence at him
> 
> ...



I have. Many times. He says I am crazy or that I am getting my period. Nice right?!?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

No, you are not crazy. He is not meeting the needs that you have in marriage. Have you ever done or read "The 5 Love Languages"? You can take a quick test here to see what you and your husband's love languages are: The 5 Love Languages | The 5 Love Languages®

You sound like a words of affirmation person - so am I. My husband also does not compliment me very much - he is not much of a talker when it comes down to it. But I no longer dwell so much on it, and I found that when I more willingly met his needs (he is physical touch), he has been able to open up more for me. I am content because even though he does not verbalize a lot, he shows me in actions, and he is slowly getting better about the verbalization.

Do you know what your husband's 'love' language is/ what his needs are? Do you think he is fulfilled in the marriage or not?

Is he willing to work at it, or does he just think that it is all your problem?

Do you feel that you could be too clingy or needy with him - how do you express your need to him? Or perhaps he is much too aloof?

And, why was the beginning of your marriage a rough start? Is there still some of that residue that could be carrying over in to today?

Best wishes.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

OK so he doesn't wanna work on things---then you have to "throw down" on him---he has the attitude, that you are nothing but a wife, know your place, and stay out of his way---

That attitude needs to change

Monday do the following things, go to the bank, take all of your half of the money out, and put it in account that has only your name on it

Cancel all joint credit cards

When he finds out what is going on, tell him, since he doesn't care to WORK on the mge., you intend to move on w/out him, tell him you have an appt. with an atty scheduled, and you are exploring your options for moving on w/out him

TELL HIM IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS, YOU WILL NOT STAY IN A ONE-SIDED MGE.

Its time to TAKE ACTION----I promise you, there will be results one way or the other

Be strong, Stand Tall, and Stand your ground


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

I agree its time to beat his ass into reality with a bomb. Pay attention to this part right here. 

My wife told me she was not happy three years ago because I was an idiot also. 

That woke me up and I read 30 books on marriage and a hundred articles and saved my marriage of 11 years. 

She made several attempts to clean up my act during the first 8 years but I didnt get it. My goal was to shut her up with dismissive remarks like your husband. 

When she dropped the bomb, I woke up FAST. 

I love my wife and dont want to lose her. When she got my attention, it got fixed. 

You dont have his full attention.


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## jreed324 (Oct 8, 2011)

I am not ready to throw down the gauntlet. I don't take idle threats lightly. If I were to take my half of our savings, I would really be getting ready to leave. I am not there yet.

I find that a lot of the issue is related around what traditional roles I believe a husband should have. I find that my husband acts more like the wife. He just changed work shifts and sits in traffic now for 3 hours on the way home. I have done the same commute for over a decade, just not as far. I found a way to like the commute and used it as a time to educate myself and unwind. He wants me to feel sorry for him because I "made" him change his shift. All I said was if you get a chance to work days, maybe you should take it because it would mean that we have more of a normal life. 

My husband acts helpless around me. He can't do anything on his own. I have to make all the big decisions. He never takes charge of anything which is extremely frustrating. 

I think I am just rambling at this point. I appreciate the responses. I don't know if things will change. We talked about love languages and that lasted about a week.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Just keep the pressure on him, to communicate---your mge., already has some cracks---hopefully you can get this worked out----Is there some way, you can get him to take responsibilty, and think like an alpha---instead of him making you the alph, and he satisfies himself being the beta


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## jreed324 (Oct 8, 2011)

What will the pressure do? He will not change. Even if he does, I will know deep inside he is not acting like the man he is. He will never act how he would act normally. If only I could meet someone like me.

I am a hard worker. I am educated. I make a good salary and will never stop striving for better and wanting more. I am close to my family as well as his. I take good care of my child. I love animals. I am calm under pressure. I am friendly and social and can work a room as good as anyone. 

I find I am jealous of women whose husbands are professionals. It's not the money issue. It's the lack of education and not having any desire to better himself. As I am sitting here typing this all out, I am really trying to identify the root cause of my animosity. 

I don't know. There are many couples who met at my job. I wonder what it would be like to be single and come across a professional man who was handsome and showed some interest in me. What would it be like to have someone else to truly share my burdens with? I think I need a therapist. LOL!


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## stayathomemomandwife (Jul 25, 2011)

I have heard from a couple women in similar situations that it would be easy to cheat if another man gave them this attention they weren't getting at home. I think men like this need to do some work too. WHy do women have to do all the work? Why can't HE google "what can I do to make my wife happy" and start complimenting you or greeting you at the door in tighty whities and a stiff... drink. ;-) Seriously, I know that people eventually regret losing a good thing but they don't have to if they just try harder while they still have it. Men too, need to put work into the marriage.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You aren't gonna get the easy "out", if you want results

Sometimes, you just have to throw in some harsh consequences, to get movement

I would only hope that if it gets to the point where you wanna cheat---that you would get the D. first---no matter what he is/does---he does not deserve the pain of being cheated on

You seem to be living a life of misery---you must do something, and you must have some ideas in mind---what do you intend to do---you obviously can't stay status quo.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

jreed324 said:


> What will the pressure do? He will not change. Even if he does, I will know deep inside he is not acting like the man he is. He will never act how he would act normally. If only I could meet someone like me.


Those sound like the words of someone that has her eyes set on a greener pasture. I'm not making accusations at this point, but you do need to drop the bomb on him - when you do you will see just how much he is willing to work on himself to keep his marriage and his family intact and alive, and if you get help such as counseling or reading during this time you can both sculpt your marriage into what you want it to be.

Right now he sees you as the whole package, and doesn't want to make any changes or tweaks because everything else seems to be working fine, he doesn't realize the extent of your unhappiness... I'm telling you this from the perspective of a man who lost his wife because she had no faith I could change, and when she finally dropped the bomb it wasn't to save the marriage, it was to pursue an affair guilt free. Ironically she was so checked out that can't even agree she adulterated... I don't suggest threatening divorce unless it is a last resort, but please for the sake of your marriage do it now BEFORE you check out. You will be amazed how much a person can change when they suddenly realize their life as they know it is about to end.


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