# Do I really want this again.



## Letting go (Sep 10, 2012)

I need help. This is going to be a long one. 
I got married at 19 and my husband was 27 at the time. I really did/do love him with all my heart. The first two years of our marriage everything was amazing. We were the couple everyone wanted to be. After that, things started getting bad. Our finances were shot and we were bearly over the water, pretty much drowning in debt. He always drank alcohol, which I didnt mind theres nothing wrong with a little fun. But then the drinking got worse and worse. To the point where i pretty much had to take care of him. He would get blackout drunk, wet the bed, thow up and just act like he was 5 and had no idea what he was doing. It broke my heart to see him like that and i begged him to stop but he would stop drinking for a week and just go back to it. We started hanging out with the wrong people and that lead to drug use on his end. After that we lost total respect towards each other. There was emotinal and physical abuse going on from both of us. And just way too much cheating with soo many different women on his part. We were together for a total of 4 years. The last two were a total dissaster. Faking that we have a great life, a beautiful home and a young couple loving each other trying to start a family. In the middle of all the chaos there was moments of happiness and moments were all the love we felt for each other was very much alive. But the bad moments got to me and i am the one that decided to leave the marriage. I packed all my things, left him the house just everything. I am still married but i have looked into divorce several times. We have been separated for a year. I find myself asking if i am stalling because i want to get back together bc i miss him so much at times or bc i just dont have the funds to do so. He is in and out of jobs (he has lost all of them bc of his drinking) i check his Facebook almost everyday to see what he is doing (he does not know that i still have his password) and i see him still partying doing the same things he was doing when i was there. Still drinking, drugs, partying and women. 
A month after we separated i met someone and we hit it off great. This guy is just amazing. Everything i was looking for in a new relationship. He knows i am still legally married and he has even offered to pay for it and has even gone as far as talking about marriage. He is an engineer, has a great job same age (31) very mature knows what he wants. Just hundreds straight across the board. A truly amazing man. We have been dating about a year, same amount of time i have been separated. We are living together an everything. Hes even bought me the Lexus of my dreams. I know what my life will look like with him and it will be amazing and happy. 
I find myself thinking about my husband alot. I feel so bad for leaving him sometimes. I feel bad for being so happy now and seeing that he is not happy breaks my heart because i just want him to be happy and move on to a certain extent as i have. All my ex wanted was a happy family a nice home and kids. Between the drinking, fighting, debt, school and work i feel like we lost all that. Seeing that he is still in the same life makes me wonder if he will ever re marry, have kids and be happy again and i just go into toatl depression and tears. Sometimes i think i should get together, have my beautiful home again start a family with him and go to counselling to get our marriage back but i am scared, i am so scared. I just dont know what to do. I want his happiness and the fear that he might not find it scares me and i want to run back just to make sure he has it.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

How do you figure your husband is not happy and will want you back?

You're still codependent (by choice). How often is the contact between you two? Who initiates? This is such an unfair dynamic to the engineer dude! I'm guessing he's greatly contributing to your life financially and emotionally while you're constantly thinking about your husband and checking out his facebook activities.

You left your husband. It's been a whole year. You can't "fix" him. 

Let him be and live your life.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

I agree its been a year and nothing has changed - nothing changes -nothing changes move on it is still the same ole same ole with yr separated husband if he really wanted to work on things then he would have made changes over the last year 

Good Luck


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## Letting go (Sep 10, 2012)

When i see his facebook he seems really happy and is messaging different girls and still going out and well pretty much living life to the fullest. But when i speak to him he tells me how sad he is, how much he still loves me and how life is not turning out good for him blah blah blah. 

The contact between us is evey couple of months and only for like 5 min at a time. Its only to talk about the house we still have together and the divorce plans. He is usually the one that initiates

My boyfriend does contribute to my life emotially. Financially not so much. We split all expenses down the middle since we live together and all and i normally dont ask him for anything. I pay my own things. I am a nurse so i am pretty good financially (at times) we still have separate bank accounts and all. My boyfriend knows the whole situation. He knows my ex/husband still contacts me and he knows i am still legally married. He just does not know that i still worry about him like this

I think the justification i give myself for still checking his FB is bc i am trying to reassure myself that he is fine and moving on as i am. But the partying lifestyle wont get him anywhere and he might not get the happy ending he wants. I just want him to be happy. 

Thank you so much for your advice. I just needed to hear that so much. I think the reason i held on for the last two years of our marriage was because i wanted to "fix" him so bad. You hit the nail on the head. I guess i just needed to hear it from someone that does not know me and my situation from the inside. THANK YOU SO MUCH


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## Letting go (Sep 10, 2012)

Thank you


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