# Relationship Crysis



## lovedandalone (Oct 23, 2013)

I need to fill in a little backstory first, i am going to make is quick and to the point.
when we first started seeing each other we both where involved with some one else.
there was circumstances with mine that we couldn't be together, and hers was long distance.
every year or so our relationship gets into a weird place where we become distant, don't talk as much as we should, we loose our affection, and things become stale.
during this time I keep f***ing up and talking to that other girl, and have said somethings i shouldn't have and didint mean because I was craving some attention and affection.

Recently we got into that place again, I didn't talk to her but I was checking her facebook on an increasing bases.
my fiance knew this and during some circumstances ended up making out with some other guy when out with some friends of hers, I had found this out because that whole night was weird and felt something was off and checked her phone and found some text's messages from this guy.

Me and my fiance love each other, there is no question about that. but knowing how bad it feels now to have her do to me what I did to her I cant believe she put up with my for so long, and how she dealt with the constant uncertainty. everything she does right now is making me worried. she closes a web page when i walk into the room and i freak out inside, she puts down her phone when i get close enough to see it and i freak out, shes been sleeping with her phone under her pillow.

when i found out about this other guy that night, i freaked out and left the house for awhile. a few days later I checked her phone records and found one number that she had called in between calling me and me calling her, she had also called that number the next day and talked to who ever for 20 minutes, and their was a few calls to that number a few times after that. when I questioned her about it she freaked out that i was checking her calls(even though she has been reading my emails for years), and claimed it was one of her friends she was out with that night, but I had asked that person if he recognized the number before i asked her about it, he didn't, which honestly, i probably wouldn't recognize my number if some one asked me like that. so I don't know what to think of that.
that number is stored in her phone as her brother and she says it because she didn't want me freaking out thinking she was still talking to this other guy...?.. if its not his number why hide it?

the following weekend we had to attend a wedding. I had something special planned for this wedding for a long time, and even after what had happened and me being unable to buy her a ring like i wanted to, i still officially proposed to her, we had talked about getting married for years but i never officially proposed. she said yes, but I said i wanted to do it in 8 months, she later changed it to middle of 2015, and confessed to me that it feels to her like I only proposed because of what happened. ill admit, it was horrible timing, but I love her no matter what and didn't want to waste what was planned, of course after what happened it didn't go as planned, as I start balling mid proposal.

it is now a month later and we had a big blow up last night, I've been freaked out over everything and on edge, came home from work yesterday and found a condom missing. now i have 2 kids, one is a 2 year old that gets into everything, so i knew that was a possibility. through the night i ripped apart the entire house looking for this condom, couldn't find it, so through various circumstances i had some one stake out her work that night. on a few occasions she was making out with a guy their, and when the 3rd employee that works there left, they went back into the store, and was there for at least 10 minutes that i know of. so I flipped last night. by the time i got there they had left, so i drove back home and she was there alone. i packed up a bunch of ****, we argued, she swore up and down it was just making out and there was no sex, I believe her, but my mind is still running around that thought like crazy. even if she did it wouldn't change the fact that I want to work through this. what bothers me is the fact that i don't know if she is still lying.

after a few hours apart last night we did get together and talk, allot, she told me that it wasn't just on the 2 occasions that this happened, it happened through out this entire month, which i thank her for telling me this, because she could of lied but she didn't which is good because it helps me believe she didn't have sex with the guy.

now the MAJOR issue I am having right now is she says she wants to be with me, wants to work this out, but she works with this guy ALLOT, and still wants to be friends with him. I am NOT ok with this, and its hypocritical, because I kept saying the same ****. and she knows as well as I do the "just friends" thing doesn't work, once that connection is made it doesn't take much to get back to that.

In my heart I trust her that things are over with him, I trust her to be around him, I trust that it was just a release for the crap I put her through every year for the past 6 years, but my brain running in circles. and she has to work with him again tomorrow night, another close where it can just to be the 2 of them if they wanted...

I don't know what to do or think right now.

i worked at the same place part time as a second job for some extra cash, obviously I quit because I know if i work with him ill end up in jail. and my fiance is a manager their so I had her tell the general manager, we made up a story about how my other job (which pays me ALLOT more) needed me to work crazy hours so i had to quit their. at first I was ok with this, but now i wish she would of told the gm the truth JUST so the gm doesn't schedule them to together anymore.

I am okay with everything that happened, even if she had sex with him I would be okay with that, I am not okay with her still working around him, especially late nights, and not okay with her still wanting to be friends with him.

I love her to death, I always have, she saved me from a life that was probably going to end in suicide, I have always been a self harmer, but hadn't since i met her, that is until now, and that freaks me out, she is the best thing to ever happen in my life. I just cant understand why I keep screwing everything up so bad, everything wrong in our relationship is my fault. what she did would of never happened if i wasn't a complete jack ass, why do stay latched on to someone else that I don't even love.

help please.


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## JadedHusband (Aug 17, 2013)

Probably should stop talking about marriage for starters. Your relationship doesnt need any added stress
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

For starters remember this: The more you chase someone the faster they run from you. Stop chasing. 

Second: Have y'all agreed on an open relationship? IOW, is it okay for you both to make kissy-face with others? If not then it's cheating. 

You've cheated - she's cheating. You're both cheaters. 
Cheaters lie to one another. 


Reconsider your own behavior - start with why you left your former gf to be with this one. I assume you cheated with this one in the first place to be with her - am I right? And she cheated on her SO to be with you originally? 

Not a good harbinger for the future. If you truly have grown AND she's not lying (very doubtful) then you can test her commitment to the relationship by having her agree that being around this other cheater is not good and that she will not only drop him but find another job. 

But how will you convince her that you will no longer seek the attention of others? You have quite a mess on your hands relationshipwise. Good luck.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

LovedAndAlone, please marry each other, so that there's two less cheaters in the dating pool.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

I just read your other thread, saw you started this one and I came over here to check it out.

Between her cheating, you cheating, you masturbating for 5 hours straight to mental images of your ex's and her relatives, there are some serious issues here.

You might "love" each other but love is only what you define it, and I doubt your definition meets the same criteria as most of the rest of us.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

She can not work with her affair partner. It will not work.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

So, you were cheating on other people with one another when you got together. Which means you both knew, verifiably, that the other was willing and able to cheat on a committed relationship and lie to a partner. 

Why are either of you surprised that you are both still the same people you were when you got together? Neither of you is a good candidate for marriage. You both lack boundaries and have no real concept of fidelity or commitment. It also sounds like there's a good bit of other emotional baggage that needs to be addressed on both sides. Please understand that getting married will not change either of you or your relationship dynamics. 

_Years_ of IC - for each of you - might.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

lovedandalone said:


> I need to fill in a little backstory first, i am going to make is quick and to the point.
> when we first started seeing each other we both where involved with some one else.
> there was circumstances with mine that we couldn't be together, and hers was long distance.
> every year or so our relationship gets into a weird place where we become distant, don't talk as much as we should, we loose our affection, and things become stale.
> ...


You're both not mature enough in regards to relationships to enter into marriage. I would also venture to guess that you both have too much baggage, pain and resentment over your past to truly get past it.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If you think that she did not have sex but just making out with the guy for an entire month then I have a bridge to sell you. You are in total denial. Neither one of you act like people who are engaged to each other.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

In the middle of this you throw out that you have two children (?). Are they yours and hers?


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

People like you and your partner are unreal. You deserve one another unlike any other poster I have ever read. You want to work this out with her? Ok, then she has to be the exact opposite of who she actually is to meet this fantasy you have in your mind. Time for you two to grow up.
Get therapy to learn why you both are so immoral. Get away from one another, first and foremost. Neither of you has the ability to be honest. There is zero chance for this relationship. Stop allowing your insecurities to dictate.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

This is called the beginning of the end of your relationship. You can try to stick it out and continue to go through hell or cut your loses.

Also you are pretty deep in denial if you don't think they had sex and kidding yourself to say it doesn't matter. It will matter later when you are not so desperate to get back together.


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