# seriously upset and posting a status to get thoughts from others of important moves



## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

Well i went to the bank today to get money out found out by getting a statement that she has been using the money i put in there super freely and in access even buying her girlfriends lunch on my Bday with my money... So i call her ask if she gots a couple minutes and she says she does ..i go on to say well i went to the bank and was a bit shocked at how much money you have gone through , she isntantly gets defensive and says you said i could , i said yea for emergencys and things you or the kids need but this is just a lot what was it all for .. She got madder yet i went on to say like pizza hut why so much there if its just you and the kids ? She said does it matter i said kinda yea it does .. 

She then trips out saying you no what ill just have it closed tomorrow and no matter how much i tried i couldnt get her to relax just got this cold short sarcastic attitude..Seen her leaving the bank on my way back she went towards where i stay which is way out of the way to the house we stayed in together , she then decided i guess not to go to my house and then realized she had pulled out right in front of me so i followed her back home were i tried to talk again , and again she was just short and set in what she was going to do ...

So i left her a letter saying i hope she finds herself and things like that cause i no she isnt herself at this point and she is really messed up emotionally , not entirely sure why but this larry ballata a marriage relationship guy that started the enviromental changer program says its her midlife crissis and she is a chaos kid growing up from a broken family life and right now its all about her her her and her needs wants and so forth without any concern to anyone else not even her kids. After taking time to do what this guy said and read some ebooks he sent me on this subject she fits it to a tee and that is going to be super hard to support her through this time , yes it was me that sent the ball and chain into action in a lot of ways but its really inside of her if i understand right.Now she isnt thinking about things other then what she thinks will make her happy and nothing i can say or do will be looked at positively till i support her new wants needs and even what she thinks will make her happy. 

But the letter i sent is telling her ill be there for her i understand the pains she is going through and so on and that i am going to let her be who ever she thinks and do what ever she wants and just more or less disappear from her life. What she dont no is i called a attorney and set up a date with him to see about filing myself , not sure if this is the right move or if it will make her wonder why or what . I wish i knew it would though.. 

I do want to work things out with her but as long as she thinks this is what she needs then i will have to accept the fact and play along and hope for the best .. I did send her a copy of the Now that you want a divorce there is something else you must no and the 12 major effects it will have on children in this parting.. Sounds mean but i hope she feels some guilt , but i dont no i think letter her go is the only option at this point .. I have tried to talk , reason , show her simple truths and so on and nothing i do even my changes i made that she sees and likes are looked at negatively...

Its tough but i do want to work things out but i think this might be the only option and only one that keeps me safe from the courts and her right now . I dont want this for my kids but i dont no if its not the right thing to do at this point.. Please give me lots of feed back tonight im seriously in need of it and i really dont want to break any hope if there is or what you all think this will do in the event of things...I have 2 kids one is 4 and the other is almost 9 months at this moment nothing has been done on her end and i have sat like this for 4 months and im almost alienated from the kids to top it off , yet she does sometimes seem to go back and forth on things....
Any ways sorry it was long again but please let me no your thoughts and feelings on this and what im thinking about doing or if i should just wait for her or what ???


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

rough deal so far i see , im trying to stay calm right now but seriously not sure what to do .....


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

well i can see this isnt going to be my night lol oh well


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I don't have a clue what to tell you, I just wanted to let you know that i read your post, and I feel for you. I don't know what I would do in your situation, but someone here will probably be able to give you fantastic advice. Best of luck and I hope this all works out soon!


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

so do i.. and thank you for atleast saying something  i hope it works out between us but with her walls up like this and getting defensive over everything i just dont no im going to try to deal with this , and let go im just not sure if i should cut her off entirely from my support and maybe file before she does these are things going on in my head right now...


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I would love to jump and tell you yes, go ahead and file and get it started, but I can't honestly say I would be giving you good advice. I do think it is horrible that you don't get to see the kids, and that should be fixed ASAP but I am not entirely sure HOW you should go about it. Do the kids get to talk to you on the phone at all or anything?? I don't know that I could cut my husband out of their lives like that, doesn't seem fair. Or healthy really.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Anyone given a blank check will abuse it. Turn the money off asap. If you want to support her, she can call you for money each time.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You continue to behave in a manner that you _believe_ she will appreciate and acknowledge, with a hope it will bring her back to you.

It simply isn't going to happen.

You will not change how she interacts with you until you decide to change the way you interact with her.

I have said it before. There comes a point where trying what you believe is the right thing for the relationship is the equivalent of throwing gas on a fire. She will only become angrier, more resentful, more spiteful and hurtful.

If it is truly your hope to win her back then the biggest favor you can do yourself is push her as far away as possible.

One of two things will happen. She no longer has you to blame, attack, or manipulate and then has to deal with the day to day issues of _not_ having you around at all. This may make her reconsider her options and approach.

The second, and more beneficial outcome is that you realize that you don't need her ... and when you observe her behavior objectively, you decide that you don't want her either.

Continue doing what you are doing and all you accomplish is continually being her punching bag. Stop. Don't talk to her. Don't try to reason with her. Don't try to make her understand with letters, or texts, or weepy phone calls. All you are doing is reinforcing in her mind is that you are pathetic and deserve to be treated like crap.

My wife and I shared a wireless account under my name. This was the phone line she used to talk with and text TOM ... and I was paying for it. So I canceled her number. Had I informed her this is what I was going to do, prior to doing it, she would have screamed blue, bloody, murder.

But once the deal was done, she didn't have a leg to stand on. She was dumbfounded. If she wanted a cell phone, she had to go open her own account and she could talk to whomever she chose.

In the simplest terms, don't be nice. You don't need to be a vindictive jackass, but now is not the time for Mr. Nice Guy.


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

If she is going through an "all about her" phase, there isn't really anything you can do. I hate to say that. Take her name off the account, get your own place, and do the best you can for you and your kids. Either she'll wake up and appreciate that, or she won't, but at least you'll know that you really tried.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Cancel that bank account and shift your money to a different bank entirely. Make sure that the bank knows specifically any checks or attempts to withdraw further funds from it by her specifically should be refused.

Get a lawyer to draw up formal a child visitation/custody agreement and how much child support is required of you.

Do this even if you are not divorcing, but I see that looming in your future.

The a$$ kissing isn't working.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I agree with Deejo. It pisses me off that anyone thinks they can continue to use the person they are leaving. I couldn't wait to separate our finances, have all my own accounts, etc. I had my own job, so that part was easy. But men need to remember that if they agreed to support their wife as a SAHM, 1/2 of their income is hers. She has sacrificed her career for the family, and even though she and you no longer are together, she still has children to support and a career to recoup. So if you open a separate, individual account, you need to make sure she has 1/2 your income (until a court decides otherwise). You may have no idea about how much damage it does to a woman's career to leave for several years and the fact that it has a permanent impact on her long-term earning power. She earned the right to 1/2 your income, and that right will continue as long as a court says--if you left a job and your company owed you something, they'd still have to give it to you even though you left (assuming there was no contractual agreement otherwise). 

Men have a really hard time with this, but if you look at it as a business arrangement, then it makes sense. You work for X company in exchange for your salary. They have agreed to pay you extra in exchange for your promise to stay with them 5 years and forgo other offers; if you leave after 5 years and 1 day, they still owe you, no matter how angry they are that you are leaving.

It is petty for a man to claim that his salary is "his" money. If the business arrangement was with a nanny, and she left at 5 years and 1 day, you'd still owe her if you had agreed to a bonus if she refused other offers or opportunities for advancement during those 5 years. 

FYI, This is exactly how it works in my state because the law recognizes that a husband's income is not simply "his." It recognizes that his wife has been instrumental in his ability to work and have a family--that she has made career sacrifices that cannot be fully overcome. If child placement is 50/50 (which many men do not pursue b/c they couldn't keep their jobs if they did--proof that the wife was essential to his ability to work and have the family at the same time), then the income is divided 50/50.


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## snowglobe (Dec 26, 2009)

You know I agree that you should cancel the bank account and separate anything you are sharing or paying for soley. You can support her mid life crisis without sacrificing your needs and the needs of your children. Someone said in one of the posts above that if she needs money she can tell you how much and what it's for. That doesn't mean you won't help her it just means you refuse to be used by her. I would have her pay for the items and bring you the receipt for reimbursement so you know what the money is going for. I also agree that you should seek an attorney to be able to get a clear line drawn on the kids regarding visitation and child support this shows you have a vested interest in the well being of your children,and you have as much right to see them as she does. I am not saying get a divorce and I am not saying not to, but if you start empowering yourself now the decision will be easier no matter what it is. Also, I want to say something and I think others might agree, no matter how much you trust her when people separate or divorce they become a completely different person and will clean you out if you are not careful. That is hard to believe, but I have seen it happen to friends time and time again. Do us all one favor? Look our for your kids number 1 and look out for you number 2....do not look out for her at this point because she is a grown woman. Also, so you do get divorced... if the time comes and she comes back to reality and you still want her back there is no law against getting remarried.


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

All great advise and im a bit more calm down now well a lot really , the mutual friend talked with her for 2and a half hours tonight i just got off the phone with her as well i was a part of the conversation even though the wife didnt no. I heard her open up i heard her start to cry and even angry with me when i wasnt there kinda weird in ways but the offer was to go to refuse tonight i wanted to no things before i reacted and possibly jumped to fast..

The wife got upset cause i called her at work to ask about it , she wasnt upset that i questioned her at all. But is putting the money back she dont no how yet cause her new checking account is already all screwed up (chuck chuck) sorry for laughing at that kinda justice to me right now in ways..

The money she did spend was used on bills to top it off for the most part anyways , which dont bother me the money didnt bother me it was the way she acted when i asked the way she got defensive right off the bat..I was upset when i didnt no what it was for either the bank statements are kinda bland.

The wife really dont want our kids growing up in a broken home she does want to let me back in atleast 90% of her does but the 10% and pride keep her fueled to stay cold and closed off , she wants to believe we can she even said she is seriously trying to open the door so things can work out , but it turns out like many others when it starts i try to put my hole foot in it sorta speak.

In short i overwhelm her at times and she shuts off again on me , its her feelings and emotions coming to surface right now..
She promised to do even more then she said on the phone the other night and actually try but (SHHH She dont want me to no) Yes i am bad in that regards i guess tonight  )) 

She is going to try to let me come over 1-2 nights a week but she dont want me to pester her about(and she wants to be the one to tell me as well) it she will supposedly let me no and even more she may start doing one night out of the week with just me, doing a movie or dinner or something .. 

She told the mutual friend she wants to see the changes and realizes she has to let her guard down to do so and that she is trying to but sometimes its hard some days its easy..

she also mentioned my letter and the phone conversation the other morning when she actually talked , she was freaked out about it cause to her it was not me talking to her cause i listened didnt yell over anything and accepted what she had to say with value , she said that made her really pause she couldnt stop thinking about it all day not even at work and that is why she started thinking more about me being around and that it might be able to be worked out..

But she knows to do so she has to open up and let it out with me more and see how i respond and try not to let the past pains and resentment cloud her mind , she is said she is going to try to push that down and see .. Im not going to get to hopeful im making sure i take steps anyways ill still put money in that account only enough to help if she needs it , and im going to let her chase me now instead of me pursuing her and see what happens ..

I now no she wants to try in her heart and wants to keep our kids and her and I together and she wants to break her words now the cycle in her family for broken marriages .. So i heard what i was suppose to not hear has given me some hope but this time im not going to just fall in with both feet, im going to do things a bit differently and see what happens , but the fact that she was taken back by that one phone call she called me on upset and that i didnt react the way she expected but in a good way is really something right now (even no what she got me for my Bday it was late cause she ordered it lol ) that part makes me want to cry and strangle her right at the moment cause i have been like this for months now with her and it was one phone call that she finally seen something she could have seen now for a while if she would have let her guard down.. 

So needless to say yes im more hopeful but im hardening myself now as well and going to go about it a lot differently now and see how this plays out.
I promised to work on a couple things as well with the mutual friend for my wife and i have to agree i think the wife is right on them things as well..And i promised not to jump the gun and file myself first for now anyways .. Oh and the wife is going to try to be more blunt on what she wants and needs with me and more clear about it , and also try to talk to me openly about things since she is starting to feel like she can sence i didnt blow up on her today after being cold and the one phone call the other day that she was so taken back by ... 

So i dont no what to think other then im not going to rush nothing im going to see if she keeps her word and see if stopping all pursuit in all shapes will help at all .. I do no i hurt her deeply in the past its up to her to get past that and see me for who and what i am now today , but i am starting to think she might just be starting to see it , but im going to keep my heart hardened now just incase and be smart and not so giving unless she calls me ....

And yes Im ok and i thank those who had concerns  But i did almost through in the towel tonight and now im just going to go on and try not to think to much on things and just be ready just incase..But im going to put on a smile now and just ride with that smile and not let things get to me as much as possible i think i was close to this anyways just now i will have hope but and faith but not expect anything till it actually happens but i will just be me and hope in time she comes to see me as the new me .. Now i atleast no she dont have her heart in this and i no she dont really want the kids to grow up in a broken home these are key but she still has to get past what she feels right now i guess is the only way to explain it.. 

I hope she can push the walls down far enough to look over atleast i hope she has the strength for that cause if she can it will get easier otherwise it is going to be on her now im not going to stress over it going to let her figure it out without me pushing or pointing things out and hopefully the mutual friend can help her like she did tonight she really can get her to open up right now i almost said something to the wife when i heard her cry it hurt to hear that but also let me no she was still my wife inside that shell right now..If that makes sence to any of you i dont no , but to me it does and i am sorry for posting this tonight i was in utter shock and in furious mode i guess to say it softly


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

snowglobe said:


> You know I agree that you should cancel the bank account and separate anything you are sharing or paying for soley. You can support her mid life crisis without sacrificing your needs and the needs of your children. Someone said in one of the posts above that if she needs money she can tell you how much and what it's for. That doesn't mean you won't help her it just means you refuse to be used by her. I would have her pay for the items and bring you the receipt for reimbursement so you know what the money is going for. I also agree that you should seek an attorney to be able to get a clear line drawn on the kids regarding visitation and child support this shows you have a vested interest in the well being of your children,and you have as much right to see them as she does. I am not saying get a divorce and I am not saying not to, but if you start empowering yourself now the decision will be easier no matter what it is. Also, I want to say something and I think others might agree, no matter how much you trust her when people separate or divorce they become a completely different person and will clean you out if you are not careful. That is hard to believe, but I have seen it happen to friends time and time again. Do us all one favor? Look our for your kids number 1 and look out for you number 2....do not look out for her at this point because she is a grown woman. Also, so you do get divorced... if the time comes and she comes back to reality and you still want her back there is no law against getting remarried.


That is more or less what im going to do but not completely she will no im there but i will not be chasing she will no that there isnt as much money there cause i will keep it at a flat balance as needed and i still will talk with the attorney and i will most certainly look out for my kids first and me 2nd but for the time being i will give what i heard tonight a chance to start to happen before i push the kids id rather it be her idea if she can get herself to that point otherwise when it comes i will push on that and HARD you can be sure of that.

also i might add i should have paid more attention to all these ebooks i have downloaded and read and listened to i believe now i would be miles ahead of were i am now months ago


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## whyminvrsatsfd (Nov 28, 2009)

Benin...OMG...you taught me so much tonight. After I read your post, I researched the ACODP. And it explained SOOO much. Thank you. Now with that said, whenever something goes wrong or is coming apart, its automatic to become unhinged and "chaotic". Screaming and yelling and blaming all spurts out and is truly uncontrollable. The layered pain from the past...comes to the surface. She's irrational because thats how her emotions are right now. She will stay stuck in whatever phase she stayed stuck in after her parents split. You do need to close the bank account. She is keeping the kids to avoid the emotions that brew whenever youre there in person. Most times ACODP's do know behaviors are not always what's right for the kids...but its whatever needs to be done to get through this. I know its selfish and immature, but the coping in a healthy way was never acquired in order to practice it. My husband always tells me "its all or nothing with you" and it is cause I cannot handle when things are "out of my control." When they are, things are "chaotic" cause I dont know whats going to happen next. I dont know if we'll be together next year, dont know if anything will be the same...etc. So in order for it not to happen to your kids....always be a constant. Make sure you get time with them, even if you have to go to court. STOP REACTING when she is in eruption phase. Just say ok, we'll talk when youre calm. After awhile she'll stop, cause its doing nothing. When youre with your kids...be WITH your kids. No girlfriends or distractions and dont get angry about things they tell you about Mommy. A big reason for the low self esteem part of ACODP is the other parent bashing....and "im a part of her, so I must be bad like that too". I know I was rambling..sorry but I hope it helped. If youre unsure about divorce, you can get everything court ordered in a legal separation. And the 50/50 thing is not everywhere. Maybe it is if shes not working...but they can make her start working within 2 years. Then whatever your income is combined gets applied to a grid comparing what youre responsible for and what shes responsible for. Good luck!! Ive been there before.


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

Na between talking to that Larry Bilotta r marriage guy cause he does a free phone call to start and sends you some ebooks to read all free , great stuff .. And the phone call the mutual friend had tonight with her i learned a lot and a few things about myself that still needed work i havent given up hope and im not going to stop supporting her just going to make her want it instead of giving it so open heartedly.. 

I heard her cry tonight i heard her open up even if she dont no it and i heard her with her sudden shock of how the last phone call between me and her(the wife) was to her so i no something is getting through to her now but i also no its her that has to come to terms with her on emotions now to see it , If you get the chance i suggest getting atleast this guys free phone call and checking his page out as well it was really something .. 

My wife and myself are in his words chaotic kids and have to learn to deal with things now for me being the one trying to get through to a women in a crisis that is a chaotic kid there are some things i had to understand i really didnt though till i heard the wife on 3 way tonight break down and open up just what he meant fully. but i do now , and i am glad this has helped someone other then me , but i am not giving up just taking a different seat on the so called roller coaster let her sit in front and wonder what im doing back here i guess is as good a way as any to explain it..

But everyone who is dealing with something like me and others on this site id suggest checking this guy out and his site (Larry Bilotta)
and really going through what he is trying to say and teach to us might help some out that have been stuck and the free Ebooks he sent helped me understand what my wife is fully going through inside of herself right now ,

but i wont lie just to hear her say she really does want things to work out to someone else and that she dont really want a divorce in her heart but is having issues getting past the past pains and resentment was enough for me to not just react right now but slow down think and take a different approach to this and them things and hearing her tonight say them things and such made me realize that what he was saying fit and clicked i dont no i guess its hard to explain right now.. almost forgot this part she really dont want the kids to grow up in a broken home and she wants to break the cycle in her family of broken marriages , Her mom and moms sister both 3 marriages a peice both 50 roughly living with there mom and single her father 4 marriages , only one to get through is her grandmother she wants to break that cycle but its tough to do when she isnt fully trying.. Or giving in a little at all..

but i no something happened tonight that was good instead of being bad and im just not going to react either way to it , just going to be nice but hardened and yet indifferent to the knowledge of good or bad right now and focus on my kids and me and the wife but only when she asks


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

I mean this really read into the midlife crisis stuff for the spouse who is running it may help you find out what you need to do for them to lower there walls.. I also must say if you dont or havent read into any of the bigger ebooks out there on what to do and what not to do on stopping a divorce or separation i would do so it will help i cant promise it will work but is better then pursuing like mad feeling like your hitting a wall with your head and seriously i would seriously set up a free call with this guy and if you can get into his program if you are in a situation like me it is probably beneficial but just the free call is great it, he didnt even try to sell his product he said to call him back in a week or two if i needed more help and needed his program and his personal help with things it was more then worth it.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

sisters359 said:


> Men have a really hard time with this, but if you look at it as a business arrangement, then it makes sense. You work for X company in exchange for your salary. They have agreed to pay you extra in exchange for your promise to stay with them 5 years and forgo other offers; if you leave after 5 years and 1 day, they still owe you, no matter how angry they are that you are leaving.
> 
> It is petty for a man to claim that his salary is "his" money. If the business arrangement was with a nanny, and she left at 5 years and 1 day, you'd still owe her if you had agreed to a bonus if she refused other offers or opportunities for advancement during those 5 years.
> .


While I tend to agree with this theory, the exception I see but the courts don't see, is when a spouse is cheating. Part of the contract is a vow of faithfulness. Basically, a kind of a theft from the marriage.

In business or government jobs if an employee is caught stealing or behaving illegally they often forfeit their wages and pensions.

I would like to see an equivalent scenario regarding spousal support and community property.

Sorry for the threadjack.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

michzz said:


> While I tend to agree with this theory, the exception I see but the courts don't see, is when a spouse is cheating. Part of the contract is a vow of faithfulness. Basically, a kind of a theft from the marriage.
> 
> In business or government jobs if an employee is caught stealing or behaving illegally they often forfeit their wages and pensions.
> 
> ...


I think you are missing the point. If one spouse is at home caring for the home and raising the children while the other is in the workforce earning actual $, it doesn't mean the $ belongs to the one getting a paycheck for their work...it's a team deal...so if they split...it's divided among the team....

What if the bread-earner cheated? That would imply the owe monetary restitution above and beyond what they currently share.


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

we both always worked and all though i make more money this is besides the point in my situation at the moment.. I do not mind though lol .. All though id like to hear what you all think from the last couple posts in here i put in and see what you think, on what i have choose to do and so forth on the latest news or if im just playing dumb or something ..
all though michzz id like to no what you meant more on the money and splitting since you must live in michigan as well what do you mean if she does something ( she dont seem to be and swears she isnt to everyone including her own family) then it changes things in court if it goes to there??


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Personally I think divorce courts are weighed in the woman's favor, so that as a husband you should think very carefully before agreeing to letting your wife become a SAHM. Once you start supporting them this way you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of legally enforced support, when they may simply may one day give you the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" speech and walk despite your firm desire to continue the marriage and your good efforts in this matter.

Speaking as someone who has been a SAHD during the week (while I also held down a full time nights and weekends job), the whole "job" of staying home with the kids is both rewarding and far easier than most make it out to be.

I'm not anti-SAHMs by any means, I'm just aware that anytime someone gains a right to your money when they don't hold a job down, there is the potential for abuse. Go carefully gentlemen, go carefully.


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

Interesting article and sounds about right .. Now im supporting her just not all out like before im not going to pursue her either but from what i posted up there above does it sound to you like she is just done or does it sound to you like she is emotional and unsure of things or what does it sound like to you , to me some big things happened from that last little bit , im just not going to be at her beckon call , still going to show i love her and want to work things out and that im a better man just not going to say it and im not going to just give so freely or what ever and again her and i both work so that isnt a issue here either , but i have been the beta doing all the chasing time to stop running after her and see if she stops i think....But i would like to no your views on what transpired from the phone call and yes sadly i did use the three way deal so i could hear her open up for myself....But i decided to still talk to a attorney tomorrow anyways...


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Ben,

I'm glad you got some reassurance that your wife, deep down, does not want a divorce. I do agree that backing off and letting her continue to see you as a changed man is the right approach. I hope she calls you soon to set up a visit with the kids. At this point, I believe some time must pass to convince her your changes are permanent.


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

Well its a small start im going there now in about 5 minutes to be at the house with the kids while she is at work . I guess its a baby step right now but ill take it for sure.. No questions asked there cant ever turn down time with my kids i love them to much i just hope this helps her see me for the new me instead of looking at me with such resentment


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

Well that talk she had with the ""mutual friend"" must have helped .. She did call today and had me come over earlier today when i stopped by to give her money her dad was there too (kinda weirded out on that) He was nice to me which was odd she was nice as well which was odder , cause ussually when he is around she is colder then ice itself.. Then he left then she wanted to argue about money and what she spent of mine i just told her look relax dont worry about it, Its ok and told her to have a good day at work and ill talk at her later or something .... She ended up calling me to let me no I could come down to the house today to see the kids while she was at work ( FIRST TIME THERE ) Now i no she wasnt there but it was one of the things the ""mutual friend asked her to try and work on as well as opening up"" So she might have taken a small baby step i just got to let it be and wait for the next without sticking my foot in so she shuts off again. 

But she did call which was unusual and while i was there which i dont no if this will matter to her or not but i got the driveway shoveled for her, played with my kids  always a plus.. Cleaned my sons room which was a total disaster , played with my kids some more, and then the furnace went out and then i fixed the furnace and played with my kids some more.. 

Odd thing was it felt totally natural to be there at the house doing these things , It hurt to have to leave but it felt natural to be there and doing things around the house and hanging with my kids at "home" i just hope she allows that to continue and take these steps with me... It was a ton of enjoyment even the work parts felt right just right to do... 

I dont no but it seems like what the "mutual friend said to her the other day seemed to get through or maybe it was the phone call she called mad at me on that turned into us laughing and her being blown away i was putting value on her emotions and feelings and yet holding firm with out yelling and she and i ended up laughing .. What ever it is im not sure yet but it did feel good to actually see some sort of step even if it was super small so far ... 

But i think the Mutual friend must be helping exspecially since its the only person the wife is opening up with emotionally ... Is this a good sign or not ??? Sorry i do have to ask but i did enjoy the time but now that im not there i feel weak again , I miss home i miss my kids more and i miss being a family .. And i did break down a bit i noticed she had not gotten a new calandar yet so i got her one and i got her roses , just left them on her computer no not no nothing but i did break down to that atleast . Its hard following the advise of not being so giving when you love them so much....

But i do think its a step since its something she never did before and the mutual friend was the one to get her to consider trying it just didnt expect it so soon....What do you all think since its seems to me its easier to see others situations with a clear head then it is your own , if that makes any sense..


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## too_far_into_it (Jan 6, 2010)

Oh boy, I have not read this entire thread, but I have read enough in the last few posts to know that settlement is being discussed.

As someone who works in the court system let me please warn you to not take any "guessing" on behalf of the well meaning posters here. All states have different laws. You need to either research your state laws or hire someone who knows the law in your state to give you advice.

In the county in which I see divorce cases across my desk I will tell you that I have only seen ONE that even filed for divorce based on infidelity and it was never proven. The reason why is that it is so hard to PROVE. Don't believe what you see on TV and in the movies. It RARELY ever plays out in REAL life. Have you hired someone to follow her and documented the indiscretions. EVEN then you'll have a fight on your hands. PLEASE educate yourself on the law. You might get a shock.

Also I know this online divorce guru is helping you at the moment. He WILL eventually get your money, that is the whole point of his marketing ploys. I don't want to be the spoil sport here but in the end I'm not sure if he will save your marriage. Just be careful about how much you are willing to invest in this guys advice.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

swedish said:


> What if the bread-earner cheated? That would imply the owe monetary restitution above and beyond what they currently share.


That's my point exactly. Whomever offended would have a financial hit.


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

Wow well there has been no filing and nothing on childsupport either i have talked to attorneys and as of yet she hasnt filed yet either.. I will speak to a attorney none the less , but with her not filing and the earlier posts i think you have missed and the mutual friend that is talking to her that she really dont no im getting this much info back exspecially when i am on the phone on 3 way with her and she dont no it , and i can hear her open up , and there is no affair going on , there might be a EA but i dont think so on that either its hard to say, 

I have done the snooping all though i shouldnt have , i have looked constantly at phone records, her emails , her mail , even followed her a few times and i no where she is almost every second of the day, its really not that hard the town i live in is super small and i mean super small, plus i talk to her every night when i call to say goodnight to the kids , she just dont have the time , and she has said this to me im not doing nothing till i no 100% sure this is what she wants, my problem is she keeps me locked out i have to dig or get info through the mutual friend to find out what is going on in her mind and her life.. But im not blind to the fact it could happen if things dont start to change

but i do no a EA can cause serious problems as well that is why im just working with what i can and hoping for the best and that is why this mutual friend is so helpful it does help atleast but im hardening myself for it just incase either way.. I dont think she really wants this but i feel her Dad is the one who put the initial money up for the attorney and i think he is the one pushing her into it and i think its almost like guilt on her , im almost certain of this actually cause i spoke to the lawyer and asked what it would cost to hire him for a divorce myself and she dont have that type of money to even start the process , so im almost 100% sure he is using that to push her to do it , and again he is one to speak with 4 marriages under his belt working on number 5 now ... Great role model for marriage ...

Oh and on settlement actually she dont want to discuss it and i really dont care right now either if it comes down to it then yea it will be a long dragged out battle, and she will get a lot im sure but she works as well and tax records show who really paid the bills...But seriously i wasnt talking about the divorce side of it tonight i was just talking about the day and her actually taking the mutual friends advise , that she actually called and tried something she hadnt done yet and it was in her mind totally her idea , i kinda feel that is a small baby step in the right direction , but still hardening myself for it just incase..


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

Well I'm glad she got a hold of you so quickly to see your kids. That's great.

I also think it's good that you are backing off a bit, and not just hoppin to, whenever she snaps her fingers.

Something at the back of my mind through all of this.......She hasn't opened up to you, so she doesn't want you to know what's on her mind. She opens up to this mutual friend, OK. What if you never knew about anything said between them? What direction would you have taken? Would have it been different? What would she think if/when she finds out about what the friend has told you about their private conversations and the 3-way phone call? 

Hang in there, bud.


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

I no what you mean about that and that is kinda a odd thing there she knows her and i still talk she just dont no we talk this much right now but good point on her opening up to her and not me i dont like that much either but i guess its something ...


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