# Can't trust husband - should I accept it's never going to work?



## sunshine&rain (Aug 26, 2012)

Hi, I put on a couple of posts, but right now I'm in turmoil.

I will summarise the problems I have, and the issues I can't get any resolve over. We have been married for nearly three years, and are in our early 40s.

1) DH had a female 'friend' when we met. He used to sleep with her, though he insists that she seduced him, and he never found her attractive (which I can believe tbh). She wanted more, so he told her he didn't want a relationship. I 'banned' him from being alone with her, as he was so easily 'seduced' by him. He agreed.

She got in contact again, when I was pregnant, and he would be regularly go to her place, to fix things etc. When pregnant with our second child, I came home to find her here. I also found a penis ring on the sofa. DH made me feel like a mad-woman, as he was painting, and he'd moved the ring from a cupboard, and she'd just turned up to get her computer fixed. I didn't argue. Their friendship 'appears' to have now ended, ever since our second child died (which a true platonic friend would have been there for him).

2) He went on holiday abroad - alone - when I was pregnant with DC1. At the same time he took around 25 photos of his penis, in various states of arousal. I didn't find these photos until the next year (they were date-stamped so I know when they were taken). He swears they were taken to send me, when I was in hospital having DC1 - though I never received them. He also said at the time "we won't always be gaga about each other".

3) He went on holiday abroad - alone again - when DC1 was 4 months old. When he showed me the photos, I pointed out that there were 2 coffee cups on the apartment table. He swears they are both his, and it was because the cups were so small, that he had to make two at once. There are also lots of photos of him, smiling & flirting at the camera... he gets very angry when I keep bringing this up, making out I'm "mad".

4) I caught him looking at women's panties on Ebay. He clicked off the page, and then refused to show it to me... even though he could easily have pressed the back button. I found out that he had joined XHamster.com, and at first he denied it, till I submitted his email in the forgot password form, then he admitted it, saying it was to download 'weird' porn that I like. 

I tried to overlook all the above, and was cuddling him the other day, when I found a window open on his laptop (it wasn't the window he was on). It was an ebay item for women's clothing, with the letters SCH in (denoting school). I asked him about it, he said he had no idea how it came up, and that it was "nothing". I confronted him again, calmly, and he admitted it was a woman bending over, showing her private bits. He didn't tell me, as he knew I'd go beserk. I explained that hiding things made it worse.

Since then I've asked him to send me the links for the page, he's refused. I've sent him emails - telling him how all the above makes me feel... he told me he's fed up with my "mad thoughts" and has my email address set up to send it all to spam.

Our sex life is crap. He doesn't seem into it. I try to seduce him, buy nice lingerie, have lost 4 stone etc. But still, he only ever wants sex in the early hours, and after having small talk - no passion. The other night he pleasured me, but then didn't want sex, or a BJ or anything... what red-blooded male turn it down when he hasn't had in over a week?

My mum thinks I should just accept men are like this. I just can't. I feel sick from it. I've admitted I don't trust him, and the things he's done has caused this (I've never been suspicious in a relationship before).

What do you all make of the above?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I wouldn't accept it. 

I *would* insist on some serious changes, including a keystroke logger on his computer, open and full access to all cell phones, accounts, etc., no more separate vacations, and a divorce if he crossed the line again. I'd also be putting money aside without his knowledge until I either felt absolutely secure or left.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

To surmise: he had a female "friend" who he wasn't attracted to yet was "seduced by" enough to fvck. When you told im not to have contact with her, he went behind your back, even having her over to your marital home while you were not home and you found a penis ring, tells you that you're "crazy/mad" when you find a bunch of his d!ck pics and then he's being shady over the internet and you can't trust him and he won't be honest/transparent with you.

What else do you want to know? 

Everything you suspect is spot on. You can't trust him because he is a liar and untrustworthy. 

It doesn't seem he's done a single thing to restore that trust.

Personally I woulda been gone as soon as I found that chick at my marital home and a penis ring on my marital couch.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Why is he going on holiday without you?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Real men are nothing like this. Pack up ASAP and leave.

Leave this fool, he's a serial cheater. If you stay your allowing him to continue to cheat on you. Also get tested for STD's. There are many STD's that are incurable. His excuses are lame.

My ex h was a lot like this and I chose to ignore the signs. I finally got fed up enough to leave. 3 days after I left one of his mistresses moved in. They married and now she's upset he cheats on her. Your husband will never change. His behavior will only get worse.

I remarried and my husband now would never cheat on me. For the past 12-13 years he's always put my needs before his own. He's always making sure that I'm as happy as I can be.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

sunshine&rain said:


> 1) DH had a female 'friend' when we met. He used to sleep with her, though he insists that she seduced him, and he never found her attractive (which I can believe tbh). She wanted more, so he told her he didn't want a relationship. I 'banned' him from being alone with her, as he was so easily 'seduced' by him. He agreed.


Possibly true. Attraction is not just physical. We all have our moments of weakness.



> She got in contact again, when I was pregnant, and he would be regularly go to her place, to fix things etc. When pregnant with our second child, *I came home to find her here*.


I would lose it. Cheating at her place is one thing, but bringing that other person to my home crosses the line. 



> I also found a penis ring on the sofa. DH made me feel like a mad-woman, as he was painting, and he'd moved the ring from a cupboard, and she'd just turned up to get her computer fixed. I didn't argue.


That would be awesome if husband was telling the truth that nothing happened. The ring falls out of her purse without him noticing. You put it away, thinking he's cheating on you. He finds it and thinks you're cheating on him 
(he's totally cheating on you)



> 2) He went on holiday abroad - alone - when I was pregnant with DC1. At the same time he took around 25 photos of his penis


Does he have down's syndrome or something? Men with brains know that this doesn't work. Sending a **** picture is like sending a vagina picture. 



> in various states of arousal.


Maybe it's a science project he's working on and he's trying to keep good records of it. A really really stupid project.




> I didn't find these photos until the next year (they were date-stamped so I know when they were taken). He swears they were taken to send me


1 - slap him for lying
2 - slap him for taking penis pictures and thinking that would turn someone on




> 4) I caught him looking at women's panties on Ebay


I can't check that at work but it sounds hilariously stupid. Are you sure he doesn't have down's syndrome?



> XHamster.com, and at first he denied it, till I submitted his email in the forgot password form, then he admitted it, saying it was to download 'weird' porn that I like.


Do I dare check what that is? Does it have anything to do with hamsters? Even if it does, I would give that a pass. If he wants to see people put hamsters in their butts, have at it. I would start to worry when he says "hey let's get a hamster!"


I vote leave. Giving him more freedom will increase the cheating, and destroying all privacy will increase his _desire_ to cheat. It's over.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

All the signs say he's cheating on you. Get a key logger and put it on the computer. Put a VAR in his car. Go about your life like its a normal few days because otherwise, he will hide his shenanigans. Check to see if you have evidence of cheating. Also, check email and call logs for your phone. If you find that he is cheating, consult an attorney and file for divorce, confront him with evidence and if he won't come clean and get his act together, won't be honest or transparent or go to counseling with you, if he is still lying or covering up or just wants out, then serve him divorce papers. If there's any chance of saving your marriage, letting him no that you will not tolerate this (rather than trying to convince him to change) is your only chance. If he won't man up, then let him go because you're better off without him. 

The numerous photos of his his junk -- obviously a lie. 2cups of coffee in separate cups for just himself because the cup was too small? Does he think you're an idiot? No one would believe that! He needs to be confronted with the reality of his behavior and you deserve better -- if not from him, then from someone else!

By the way, he sounds like a tool. You seem smarter and more honest. I bet you can do way better for yourself than this loser. Sorry for the snark, but his lies are just so incredibly stupid that they are ridiculous...It seems rather disrespectful to you that he'd think you'd believe them.


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## sunshine&rain (Aug 26, 2012)

Thanks for the replies.

Sandc - he went on holiday alone, because I didn't have a passport when he 'decided' he needed to book this trip. It was a last minute type thing. I stupidly threatened to leave him the first time, and even went as far as seeing a solicitor, as I just couldn't believe a relatively newly-married man, would just hop on a plane, leaving his heavily pregnant wife. His second trip was a similar thing, he never discussed his intentions, he just told me he was leaving, and had already paid for the trip.

Shawn - you made me laugh  Hamster.com is a porn site, that also has sex 'dating' ads on, and members private 'photos'. This is why I find it hard to believe he joined to download porn for me. In fact I find it insulting that he blamed me for him joining! There are no hamsters involved (that I know of).

mosxy - I can't install a keylogger, he has his own laptop, and it is fingerprint protected. He is also an IT specialist, so I'm sure if I could bypass this, he would know.

I thank you all for confirming that his behaviour is at least suspicious. He manages to blindside me, as I have bipolar. He uses this against me - i.e. all my suspicions are indicative of my mental health. It is very useful for him, to marry someone like me, do suspicious things, then blame them.

I've asked him several times now, for the link to the woman on Ebay, and he keeps saying I've not asked him. I know he will wait till it's not there any longer, which increases my anger - after all if it's not that bad, why hide it?

I feel so frustrated anyway. He bought himself an air rifle, and has sepnt a fortune on it. It occupies all his time. When he's here in the day, he's on his laptop in the conservatory (another expense he didn't consult with me about, and is *his*, as he smokes in there, and has his stuff in there. If he comes in he goes to sleep on the sofa, leaving me to deal with our toddler - even though I get little sleep myself. Then he comes to bed late, as he's not tired. 

I just don't seem to get anything out of the relationship - he gets fun, gets to do his hobbies, whilst I look after our child alone.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

sunshine&rain said:


> He bought himself an air rifle, and has sepnt a fortune on it.


Lies. He spent that money on another woman. Air rifles are extremely cheap, the ammunition is cheap, and there aren't really any addons because they have limited range. One can easily spend $1000 on a high end scope to go with a high accuracy hunting rifle, but an air rifle does not have high accuracy nor does it have long range.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I'm sorry about the death of your second child.

He does lie too much for you to ever be able to trust him. Imagine a peaceful life with no worry or spying involved.

Get a lawyer & file.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

ShawnD said:


> Lies. He spent that money on another woman. Air rifles are extremely cheap, the ammunition is cheap, and there aren't really any addons because they have limited range. One can easily spend $1000 on a high end scope to go with a high accuracy hunting rifle, but an air rifle does not have high accuracy nor does it have long range.


You might want to educate yourself on some of the high end air rifles available now. I've seen air rifles costing thousands that are capable of taking down mule deer. These are not BB guns.

http://www.drapers-airguns.co.uk/index.php?main_page=product_info&cPath=28_31&products_id=2169


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> What do you all make of the above?


That your husband is a lying/cheating/selfish/manipulative SCUMBAG and HAS BEEN for some time.

I don't know what you're waiting for. Hire a solicitor, throw his lazy, selfish cheating azz OUT THE DOOR, demand EVERY DIME you can FOR YOUR CHILD'S WELFARE, and then move on.

Get into IC to see WHY you let him treat you like this for so many years (one year of these ridiculously bad lies and ridiculously bad behavior is too many), FIX YOURSELF for yourself and your son and your joint future. Move forward into a better life for both of you.

Good luck!


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

Sunshine, if what you wrote is true, then get out now!


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## sunshine&rain (Aug 26, 2012)

Thank you all. Walter - it is most definitely all true!

Things have changed a little. He told my psychiatrist that I am paranoid, and that I need to learn to trust him. That he isn't sure I take my medication, anything to get him off the hook. But, overall, things 'had' improved.

Today I was reading another forum. Someone there had found their husband had an account with Adultwork - which is a site that you have to pay in exchange for videos, photos, phone sex, or prostitutes.

So I put my email in the lost password form - and it came up as 'no member with this email' thing... good, this was as expected.

I then put his email in the lost password form - lo and behold - a reminder was sent to his email.

I feel sick. He is here, and has now gone very quiet (he must have realised that I've discovered this). 

I'm very irritable with our toddler, as I feel so sick and shaky.

Please, please tell me that there can be an innocent explanation - or be brutally honest and tell me what I already think I know - that there can be no reasonable explanation.

I don't want the fiasco of Xhamster, where he blamed me for him signing up (to download porn for me). So any heads-up would be great


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I'm afraid there are 2 explanations. His and the truth. He has gone quiet because he is trying to come up with some new crazy explanation for his latest indiscretion.


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## sunshine&rain (Aug 26, 2012)

Thank you Swedish. I just want to know I'm not losing my mind, and being 'mad', as I know he will say


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

You already know it honey!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sunshine&rain (Aug 26, 2012)

Yes, unfortunately I do!

I didn't confront him very well, I was so shaky, that I ended up being quite *****y about it.

He hasn't said anything, in fact he is now not talking to me, and did say he thinks I'm not taking my medication, and have a "mad head" on.

When I mentioned the site, he half-smiled, and rolled his eyes, he's refused to tell me why he'd registered though, and is now sending me to Coventry.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

How much longer are you going to put up with this mental torture?
It's time to start thinking about yourself and your future. He's making you think you are crazy. That's so cruel.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Sincerely - what IS it you are waiting for? Ask yourself.

Are you waiting for him to turn round and go back on everything he has said and say he IS lying, and your suspicions were right?

Are you waiting for him to somehow prove everything he has said is right?

Are you still there because you don't want to leave him?

Are you still there because he loves you and the little one? He is gaslighting like crazy and questioning your sanity - that is in no way showing you love.

What is it you NEED to happen before you do something?


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## sunshine&rain (Aug 26, 2012)

Honestly tobio - I don't know.

He has now admitted to being on there. It took a lot of time for him to do so - firstly getting mad at me, for 'finding' him. He said I spend too much time, looking for reasons to not believe him.

When I told him that I *knew* he had registered, he said "why would you look on there? What kind of man does that make me, if I'd join it?" So I said as he was on there, he could answer that for me.

Eventually he came clean. He told me he was looking for a prostitute, one that he was interested in, and intrigued him. She was on a TV talent show, and was revealed as a prostitute, so he did what "any red-blooded man would do" and joined up to look for her.

He got very, very angry with me when I asked him to show me the profile. He called me a b**ch, and that he wanted a "normal" wife back, and not to talk to him, till I stopped being paranoid. I kept asking to see his profile, and he kept refusing, saying that he wouldn't log in, as he wasn't interested in it, and he wasn't prepared to log in just to satisfy my madness. He eventually pushed me over, and my arm got hurt.

I don't know what to believe. Why he won't show me the profile, just to prove that he didn't send messages, I don't know. He insists that there is nothing to see, and I should trust him - but why would I trust him, when he's admitted to looking for a prostitute?


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> You might want to educate yourself on some of the high end air rifles available now. I've seen air rifles costing thousands that are capable of taking down mule deer. These are not BB guns.
> 
> DAYSTATE WOLVERINE 303 0.30 100ft/lbs R/H [011747] - £1,400.00 : Air Rifles & Accessories, - Buy online at cheap rates from Drapers Air Guns


Interesting. The most expensive one I have ever seen was just under $400.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

sunshine&rain said:


> *Things have changed a little. He told my psychiatrist that I am paranoid, and that I need to learn to trust him. That he isn't sure I take my medication, anything to get him off the hook. But, overall, things 'had' improved.*
> 
> Today I was reading another forum. Someone there had found their husband had an account with Adultwork - which is a site that you have to pay in exchange for videos, photos, phone sex, or prostitutes.
> 
> ...


There is no innocent explanation about these porn sites. And with the bolded statement above,, things are not going to get better,, if he is saying that you need to trust him (when he's giving you no reason TO trust him,, and he is telling your counselor that you are "not taking your meds",, is a big insult to you.. he feels as if he has done nothing wrong... that you have.

You need to at least separate from him... you HAVE to let him know you are not crazy, and you will not put up with this behavior.

Maybe this will wake him up... maybe not.


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

I am SOOO saddened by this. Your mental health problems does not make you a lunatic. Did you know Winston Churchill had mental health problems too as did Tony Blair's top communications diretor while Prime Minister.

What's worse about this is that your husband seems to be clearly taking advantage of your situation. This will make your condition worse thus giving him more to exploit and you then get worse ........ can you say c.y.c.l.e?!

You are being exploited and and grossly disrespected. I will not advice you to get divorced but only that you have some personal dignity and NOT allow yourself to be treated this way for another second. Are you financially dependent on him?


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

sunshine&rain said:


> Eventually he came clean. He told me he was looking for a prostitute, one that he was interested in, and intrigued him. She was on a TV talent show, and was revealed as a prostitute, so he did what "any red-blooded man would do" and joined up to look for her.
> 
> He got very, very angry with me when I asked him to show me the profile. He called me a b**ch, and that he wanted a "normal" wife back, and not to talk to him, till I stopped being paranoid. I kept asking to see his profile, and he kept refusing, saying that he wouldn't log in, as he wasn't interested in it, and he wasn't prepared to log in just to satisfy my madness. *He eventually pushed me over, and my arm got hurt.*
> 
> I don't know what to believe. Why he won't show me the profile, just to prove that he didn't send messages, I don't know. He insists that there is nothing to see, and I should trust him - but why would I trust him, when he's admitted to looking for a prostitute?


First, the part in bold. NO NO NO NO NO. This is NOT OKAY. You know this, right? This in and of itself is enough for you to be able to say no more, this is not behaviour I am prepared to allow.

Imagine he does that, you turn round and your toddler is stood in the doorway because he/she has woken up. Imagine what that is going to do to them in the short-term and long-term.

And if he thinks a push is okay, what about next time you (rightfully) ask him about what he's been up to and he gets frustrated? Another push? A shove? A slap in the face? Worse? And I'd be very mindful of how he will explain that - believeable or not, I wouldn't be surprised if that did happen, that he'd try to explain it away by saying you had some kind of episode, or you hadn't been taking your medication and you flipped out, and he was acting in self-defence. 

Okay. You say you don't know what to believe. He is not going to show you what you want to see. Go with what you have. If he was truly "innocent" and concerned about your peace of mind, it is reasonable to think he would be logging in right away to show you, right? So doing the opposite points in the other direction, yes?

Okay. Take that, then run with it. Go back and collect all the moments of suspicion you mentioned with previous behaviour. Put them all together. As a group of behaviours, first, what does it look like? Second, is this behaviour you are prepared to accept and potentially put up with in the future if the situation stays as it is, ie he never gives you the proof you want?

Tell me if I'm wrong, but my sense is that you aren't ready yet to leave. I think you should simply from his physical behaviour, but I am not you.

Would you start making plans? Would this help? I sincerely think you need to protect yourself - is it possible if you decided to leave, he might go for custody based on accusations about your mental health? Is there anyone who can witness you taking your meds daily? Does toddler go to nursery or playgroup - ie is there anyone who can vouch for the fact that he/she is well cared for? Can you squirrel away some money?


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## Tinkerbell24 (Sep 20, 2012)

Oh my goodness. What a horrible thing you are going through. When I was super paranoid over my husband he actually didn't do anything wrong. What you are dealing with would drive me nuts. Good luck, I hope that you find a resolution for all of this.


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## sunshine&rain (Aug 26, 2012)

Thank you. Tobio you are right of course.

We are no nearer a resolution. He went to my parents and told them that he wants me to apologise, as I went "mad" at something he was only looking at.

I've researched the site, and found the profile of who he claimed he was interested in, and you don't need to register to look.

The ONLY reason you need to register is to use the paid services - either to get the mobile number of an escort, to pay for the private galleries, or to use the webcam.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Look, I don't want to be MEAN, but I will be BRUTALLY HONEST.

QUIT ASKING US IF THERE'S AN INNOCENT EXPLANATION FOR ALL THIS because EVEN YOU know there isn't.

QUIT TRYING TO GET HIM TO SHOW YOU HIS PROFILE, OR LOG IN OR WHATEVER so you can justify your suspicions. They aren't suspicions, he's admitted to trying to contact an escort he's interested in (and he's interested in sex with her...not talking).

WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

*PLEASE read the following part OUT LOUD to yourself right now!* Yes, seriously OUT LOUD. (If that means you have to print it out, get in your car, drive to a park or a parking lot to be alone, then DO IT....we can wait while you do it.)

My husband cheats on me (emotionally if not also physically).

My husband does NOT respect me or our marriage.

My husband is trying to use my illness against me for his own selfish purposes at great risk to my mental health and stability.

MY husband is trying to turn others against me (like our counselor, my parents, my doctor) in an attempt to control me so HE CAN CONTINUE TO RUN OUR LIVES AS HE SELFISHLY WANTS.

I NEED to take back control of my own life for myself and my child.

I MUST put my health, welfare and sanity FIRST so that I will be the best ME possible and the best mother possible for my child.

Staying in this relationship is sick and unhealthy and hurts NOT ONLY ME, but my child.

There are people who will help me get OUT of this toxic relationship.

The first thing I must do is ACKNOWLEDGE that my marriage is TOXIC and is NOT in the best interest of my health, welfare and sanity.

The second thing I must do is ACKNOWLEDGE that this marriage is NOT a healthy, wise, loving environment in which to raise my child. His/her childhood is TOO PRECIOUS to be wasted in this envirnoment. He/she will NEVER get another shot at childhood; I want his/her memories of childhood to be happy, loving ones.

The third thing I WILL DO RIGHT NOW is FORGIVE MYSELF for marrying my husband. I did not know better. NOW that I *DO* know better, I am leaving this marriage because I love both myself and my child.

I will take the FIRST STEP T-O-D-A-Y. I will sit down and talk to my parents. I will swallow my pride and tell them EVERYTHING. I will leave NOTHING IMPORTANT out (whether it embarrasses my husband or myself). I know they will love and support me and my child and they will want only what is best for us two. By telling them everything, they can best advise me on how to help my child.

I am strong and getting stronger. STARTING RIGHT NOW, no-one undermines ME or the kind of MOTHER my child deserves and WILL FIND in me!

* * * * * * * 

See an attorney TODAY or TOMORROW. FILE FOR DIVORCE. Again, tell the professional EVERYTHING your husband has done (gaslighting you, physically hurting you, cheating on you, etc.); trust me, your attorney has heard it ALL before. Follow his/her advice TO THE LETTER. Just as you wouldn't OPERATE on yourself, do not try to run your DIVORCE yourself. You're paying for expertise, USE IT.

Good luck and let us know how it's going. I *DO* care (which is WHY I'm giving you a HUGE kick-in-the-butt!)


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

Sunshine, if all you wrote is true, then you have no other option but to leave this man ASAP! That is, if you truly love your toddler, and care about your toddler's safety both mentally and physically...to stay in such a marraige is to be no better then your husband is now. If you love and care for your toddler, and yourself, then you have no other choice but to get out NOW!


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

sunshine&rain said:


> Thank you. Tobio you are right of course.
> 
> We are no nearer a resolution. He went to my parents and told them that he wants me to apologise, as I went "mad" at something he was only looking at.
> 
> ...


He is very sneaky. Going to YOUR parents and telling them he wants you to apologise? He's trying to sow seeds of doubt in their mind. Can you see what he's doing? He's setting up a case against you so if you do decide to call it a day, he's going to make you look like the bad guy - at the very least. He will make you look like an irresponsible mother who doesn't take her meds and has fits of paranoia. The longer you sit and dither, the more "ammunition" he will have to use against you to the world.

I highly echo SlowlyGettingWiser's advice. YOU NEED TO PROTECT YOURSELF.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Not sure if you're in IC,, but if you go, they will help you through the whole process. I know you don't feel "strong enough" to make this life changing decision on your own. It's scary.

I was shocked when I went and told my story, that she called me a "battered wife",, my H never hit me, or physically mistreated me at all ( except in some sex areas)... but to hear someone label you that,,,, I was in total shock..

You can find help, you don't have to go through this alone.


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