# Is it really worth it?



## Hope Shimmers

Been divorced just shy of 10 years. Have full custody of our youngest child who is 16. In 2 years, when she is in college, I will be able to move (which I will do, as I don't like it here), if not sooner.

I have posted about this before. My last relationship lasted 2 years, and was horrible. I should have ended it long before I did. In fact, I tried to keep it alive for the last many months after I found out he had another woman.

Just gross. It makes me SICK. I wasted 2 YEARS, and damn it, I am ANGRY about that. 

I just don't know where to go from here. I don't want him back, and I would not cross the street to spit in his face. I just want to move ON.

I'm 52 years old, but I look good for my age. However, I don't have a lot of time to sit around and "heal" or whatever. Yet I don't feel like dating.

I am starting to feel like - for the first time - maybe I should just be by myself from here on out.

Sorry, I don't really have a question and I realize I am just venting. If anyone has advice or just wants to slap me upside the head, that would be fine. Thank you.


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## EleGirl

I get what you are saying. It gets to the point that you wonder if dating is worth. So many game players out there. And they all pretend to be honest, until they are caught.

How is the rest of your social life? Maybe that's where you should put your attention right now.


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## sokillme

It's always good to be content to be by yourself. It keeps you from making decisions out of desperation. It also makes you scary to some because if you are fully content, on your own, it is hard to manipulate you out of fear which is exactly what some players count on. I say get comfortable being alone and see what happens.


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## Hope Shimmers

EleGirl said:


> I get what you are saying. It gets to the point that you wonder if dating is worth. So many game players out there. And they all pretend to be honest, until they are caught.
> 
> How is the rest of your social life? Maybe that's where you should put your attention right now.


I don't have much of a social life. I don't like where I live, and at this point I will be able to move within a couple of years to a place where I want to be. At that point, I will have a great social life.

This last guy wasn't so much a game-player, but it just ended up being abusive. 

At 52 years old, one would think I would know better. My mom tells me that all the time. She says I should have seen who he really was before I did (I DID see it, but I was emotionally invested and spent a lot of time justifying, etc). I am a doctor, and she says "you are such a smart girl; why couldn't you see it?" Just makes me feel worse.



sokillme said:


> It's always good to be content to be by yourself. It keeps you from making decisions out of desperation. It also makes you scary to some because if you are fully content, on your own, it is hard to manipulate you out of fear which is exactly what some players count on. I say get comfortable being alone and see what happens.


I think you are right, and that's what I am going to do. The alternative is too risky.


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## sokillme

Hope Shimmers said:


> (I DID see it, but I was emotionally invested and spent a lot of time justifying, etc).


This sounds like desperation or fear of being alone. That is what my post was talking about. Also you may want to read some books about your picker being broken. Sounds like it might be.


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## Hope Shimmers

sokillme said:


> This sounds like desperation or fear of being alone. That is what my post was talking about. Also you may want to read some books about your picker being broken. Sounds like it might be.


Codependency.

And yes, you make a good point. And I will do that.


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## sokillme

Hope Shimmers said:


> Codependency.
> 
> And yes, you make a good point. And I will do that.


No matter what learn to love your freedom and being alone because then you will the always operate and make decisions out of a position of strength. If the dude turns into and ******* you will think to yourself, well I can always go back to being alone, and that was fun. In keeping with that idea why wait until you move to start living your life, find things you are interested in and do them locally. Join groups or hobbies. With the internet this is certainly possible. Life you life for you for a while.


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## Thor

Hope Shimmers said:


> I'm 52 years old, but I look good for my age. However, I don't have a lot of time to sit around and "heal" or whatever. Yet I don't feel like dating.
> 
> I am starting to feel like - for the first time - maybe I should just be by myself from here on out.


I'm 56 fwiw.

Now about 9 months since moving out of the house, and a year since we decided to divorce, I am quite content not dating. I do a number of social activities every week which I enjoy. Meetup dot com is a great way to get involved in activities with a group of people without any pressure of dating. Most of the people are single, probably about 80% of them, in the activities I am in. So I am not the odd man out by being single.

There are movie nights, holiday parties, outdoor hikes, dog walking, music jams, and every other kind of interest group you can think of.

At some point I'll be looking to date. I do miss female company at times, but most of the time I am happy to not have the complications of a dating relationship. I did buy a pair of concert tickets for later in the summer, so I need to find somebody who likes 70's rock to go with me. That's about as much effort as I am putting into dating.

Unless you live miles from the nearest habitation, you should be able to find some people to at least occasionally have social activities with. Getting your kids out of the house will also free up a lot of your time and energy.

Relax and enjoy your stage of life. Don't refuse social invitations to parties or activities. Allow yourself to have fun, don't put pressure on yourself to get into serious relationships.


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## Wolf1974

Absolutely nothing wrong with taking a break from dating, however long you need. The last thing you ever Want to do is date frustrated. That will only lead to bad experiences. I agree with Ele a ton of players out there both male and female alike who lie and deceive. It really sucks when you get a run of them for sure....I know. 

Take some time and do things you enjoy for you for awhile. You'll be ready again to date someday.


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## Hope Shimmers

I tried Meetup groups right after my divorce in 2007, but for whatever reason I was the youngest person there by about 20 years. Just wasn't a great experience.

I actually had a lunch date today - completely spontaneous, with someone who hit on me this morning at Target. It was okay I guess. I just feel like I am living life from day to day rather than planning anything or having any real goals.


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## WilliamM

And you are still seeking relationships rather than companionship, if that is the right juxtaposition of words.

Stop considering dates. Just say no. Don't do one on one.

Only go to group events, and only do group activities. Refuse any invitations for dates, and refuse any invitations for one on one activities of any kind. Stop trying to find a mate.

You do seem fixated on trying to find another mate as quickly as you can.


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## Hope Shimmers

WilliamM said:


> And you are still seeking relationships rather than companionship, if that is the right juxtaposition of words.
> 
> Stop considering dates. Just say no. Don't do one on one.
> 
> Only go to group events, and only do group activities. Refuse any invitations for dates, and refuse any invitations for one on one activities of any kind. Stop trying to find a mate.
> 
> You do seem fixated on trying to find another mate as quickly as you can.


Yes, I probably am fixated on that. I just am sick and tired of being lonely.

I will take your advice. Thank you.


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## Diana7

Hope Shimmers said:


> Been divorced just shy of 10 years. Have full custody of our youngest child who is 16. In 2 years, when she is in college, I will be able to move (which I will do, as I don't like it here).
> 
> I have posted about this before. My last relationship lasted 2 years, and was horrible. I should have ended it long before I did. In fact, I tried to keep it alive for the last many months after I found out he had another woman and then yet ANOTHER woman, who he is supposedly exclusive with and considering proposing to. Except, last week he sent me a d*ck pic completely unsolicited.
> 
> To me this is cheating -- and coming from a person who supposedly is so ANTI-cheating that he posts on another forum similar to this one about how horrible cheating is. I'm actually glad he sent me that pic, because it disgusted me so much I know I will never communicate with him again.
> 
> Just gross. It makes me SICK. I wasted 2 YEARS, and damn it, I am ANGRY about that.
> 
> I just don't know where to go from here. I don't want him back, and I would not cross the street to spit in his face. I just want to move ON.
> 
> I'm 52 years old, but I look good for my age. However, I don't have a lot of time to sit around and "heal" or whatever. Yet I don't feel like dating.
> 
> I am starting to feel like - for the first time - maybe I should just be by myself from here on out.
> 
> Sorry, I don't really have a question and I realize I am just venting. If anyone has advice or just wants to slap me upside the head, that would be fine. Thank you.


After my first marriage of 23 years ended, it was 4 years before I felt anywhere near emotionally ready to even think about dating. It was 2 more years before I met my now husband of over 11 years. 

If you don't feel like dating right now then don't. if in the future you feel like dating again then do. You don't have to make any sort of final decision now do you.


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## WilliamM

Yes, but there are some people who find it very difficult to not be in a relationship. They conceive of everything in terms of being a part of a couple, as a part of a relationship. They don't know how to go home to an empty home at the end of the day and be okay with that, for instance. The Original Poster seems to have this issue.

I have heard of books dealing with trying to assuage this feeling, but I don't know of any myself. If would probably be good if someone knew of some, and suggested them.

One idea that struck me, although I do hesitate to suggest it, is a companion dog. I happen to think dogs are wonderful animals. They love better than people do. I hate owning them, because I think owning an animal is wrong, but on the other hand I think giving an animal a chance to live is right. Nothing is all peaches and cream.

Personally I always recommend, if someone is going to get a dog, please pick up some poor abused animal that needs rescue. Do not pay some breeder for some pure bred dog. 

A dog is an animal which will love you better than any human would ever love you. Please, if you get a dog, honor that bond.


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## Vinnydee

My sister caught her husband cheating when she was 55. She is still good looking and met a guy who is now her domestic partner. They have a happy life together. Think of this. Your ex husband is not thinking of you most times and yet by holding onto your anger, you are letting the past still control your emotions. You are doing this to yourself and just need to let go of it. He cheated, you left, end of story. Life goes on. 50% of marriages end in divorce so you are not in a situation that half of married women are not into. The best revenge you can have is to have a good life. That is what I did with my ex fiancee who cheated on me. We caught up with each other 45 years later. She had a bad life filled with mental illness, drug addiction, sexual addiction and confusion. She messed up her life, that of her husband and seems to have found happiness married to another woman. When she told me all this, I told her about my successful life and wished her a good life and refused to meet with her. Revenge is a dish best served cold. 

No one can control your emotions, but you. If you let something bother you, it will. If you ignore it, it goes away. He is making you miserable without doing a thing. You are doing it to yourself. Just stop punishing yourself for something he did. You may wish to see a psychologist as there may be issues of you thinking you caused him to cheat or that your entire happiness was dependent on him. Many who marry view themselves as half of a couple and no longer as individuals and therefore are cast adrift when they break up and do not know how to go on as an individual anymore. 

The best way for you to get over a man is to get under another. I know that as soon as I got a new girlfriend who I feel in love with, I no longer even thought about my cheating ex fiancee. Women have a much easier time getting men than vice versa. The women in my family, with the exception of my sister, stopped living after their divorces. They never or seldom dated or wanted to let another man into their lives for fear of having their hearts broken again. They became boring spinsters never experiencing life as they should.


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## Cooper

Since he sent you a **** picture next time you take a dump take a picture of it and send it to him with nice note.... "thinking of you and the times we shared".

Hope we have talked about being single before, I can tell from your post you are just exhausted at trying to be part of a couple but can't quite accept that being single is an option. There's no need to make a declaration either way, for now just live your life as you like. As someone who has always had an "agenda" in their life (like us) the dynamics of your life are changing and you feel a bit lost at sea, hell I'm the same way. Sometimes I think I need a girlfriend (what a silly term for us over 50), sometimes I think I need a new hobby, sometimes a trip....something or anything to spark my life again. As much as I have pondered where to direct my life I finally managed to realize that I'm in my comfort zone for the first time in practically forever, single and relaxed. 

Rule nothing out and see where life takes you, find that comfort zone, if you're unhappy being single make finding a good guy your goal, if you want to stay single than do that. Just remember, nothing has to be a rest of your life declaration.


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## toblerone

Don't follow my example because I am a huge jerk but I would have outed him on the other forum.


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## Hope Shimmers

toblerone said:


> Don't follow my example because I am a huge jerk but I would have outed him on the other forum.


Ha 

Well, I kind of did. But moderation over there is like the Gestapo. It turned into a suicide-by-cop type of situation.


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## Hope Shimmers

Cooper said:


> Since he sent you a **** picture next time you take a dump take a picture of it and send it to him with nice note.... "thinking of you and the times we shared".
> 
> Hope we have talked about being single before, I can tell from your post you are just exhausted at trying to be part of a couple but can't quite accept that being single is an option. There's no need to make a declaration either way, for now just live your life as you like. As someone who has always had an "agenda" in their life (like us) the dynamics of your life are changing and you feel a bit lost at sea, hell I'm the same way. Sometimes I think I need a girlfriend (what a silly term for us over 50), sometimes I think I need a new hobby, sometimes a trip....something or anything to spark my life again. As much as I have pondered where to direct my life I finally managed to realize that I'm in my comfort zone for the first time in practically forever, single and relaxed.
> 
> Rule nothing out and see where life takes you, find that comfort zone, if you're unhappy being single make finding a good guy your goal, if you want to stay single than do that. Just remember, nothing has to be a rest of your life declaration.


Yes, I think you have hit the nail on the head. I'm exhausted by trying to be part of a couple and I'm depressed when I don't. You are right, however. Just not sure how to actually be happy though, you know? I mean, you feel how you feel.


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## Hope Shimmers

Diana7 said:


> After my first marriage of 23 years ended, it was 4 years before I felt anywhere near emotionally ready to even think about dating. It was 2 more years before I met my now husband of over 11 years.
> 
> If you don't feel like dating right now then don't. if in the future you feel like dating again then do. You don't have to make any sort of final decision now do you.


I guess I felt like I needed to make some kind of decision, but as you point out, I really don't. Thank you.


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## Hope Shimmers

Vinnydee said:


> The best way for you to get over a man is to get under another.


Tried that too. :wink2:


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## 3Xnocharm

Why in hell didnt you have him blocked?? After all he has done, blocking him should have been automatic. I still say that jerk is married and has been all along. 

The advice of "getting under" another man, in you case, is not good advice. You have a seriously broken man picker, along with codependent tendencies, so I think this would be a bad idea. I would suggest you stay away from men until you can get yourself into a more healthy frame of mind.


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## toblerone

ugh don't tell her that 3x, now I'll never get e-sex.


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## SunCMars

sokillme said:


> *I say get comfortable being alone *and see what happens.


NO! 

No, to the bolded above. :bounce:

No attractive and worthy women should ever be left alone for one minute.

They are a precious commodity. They must not be wasted. Life is too damn short.

I can agree with an intermission, say, as at the old picture shows, when they change out the reels, to start Part II.
But, during the intermission some lucky guy should be feeding her something sweet and comforting. Holding her arm. Never, ever letting her feel unappreciated.

Wasted, is not being held tight. A big kiss at every turn!!

It just pisses me off when I think about it.

Just sayin'

It is hard being a Rooster!

*Ah yeah, I wish I could be this person at home..........life can be cruel.


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## FeministInPink

Hope Shimmers said:


> Yes, I think you have hit the nail on the head. I'm exhausted by trying to be part of a couple and I'm depressed when I don't. You are right, however. Just not sure how to actually be happy though, you know? I mean, you feel how you feel.


This is the hard part. Once you move, you might find this part--being happy alone--easier. If you're in a place where there is a lot to see and do, and where there are a lot of active meetups, it's a bit easier to find things that interest you and to stay fulfilled.

I've always enjoyed being alone. Being in a relationship takes up a lot of time and energy. I adore Real Estate, but being in a relationship with him, I give up a lot of my free/personal time, and that is something that I really enjoy. Sometimes I miss being single, and having all my time be for just me. When I was single, I would always say "yes" when my friends wanted to go out, even if they called at the last minute. Now, half the time I already have plans with Real Estate, a fourth of the time I say no because I need some time for myself, and a fourth of the time I say yes.

(I also miss living alone. I have two roommates now, and I expect this arrangement will go on for at least a few years more. Someday, I will get my own place again. But for now, it's me and two roommates.)

There are a number of books that address this topic. Here is one I read and enjoyed: https://www.amazon.com/Living-Alone-Loving-Barbara-Feldon/dp/0743235177/


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## SunCMars

3Xnocharm said:


> Why in hell didnt you have him blocked?? After all he has done, blocking him should have been automatic. I still say that jerk is married and has been all along.
> 
> The advice of *"getting under"* another man, in you case, is not good advice. You have a seriously broken man picker, along with codependent tendencies, so I think this would be a bad idea. I would suggest you stay away from men until you can get yourself into a more healthy frame of mind.


Stop It!

You are killing me. 

Actually, not you, but the other [male] posters suffering from presbyopia.

Women should not "Get Under" a man.

She should find a worthy one, and pull him atop her. Or hold him down with her [whatever] size frame.

Times a wastin'

More bad advice from the Rooster..


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## SunCMars

FeministInPink said:


> This is the hard part. Once you move, you might find this part--being happy alone--easier. If you're in a place where there is a lot to see and do, and where there are a lot of active meetups, it's a bit easier to find things that interest you and to stay fulfilled.
> 
> I've always enjoyed being alone. Being in a relationship takes up a lot of time and energy. I adore Real Estate, but being in a relationship with him, I give up a lot of my free/personal time, and that is something that I really enjoy. Sometimes I miss being single, and having all my time be for just me. When I was single, I would always say "yes" when my friends wanted to go out, even if they called at the last minute. Now, half the time I already have plans with Real Estate, a fourth of the time I say no because I need some time for myself, and a fourth of the time I say yes.
> 
> (I also miss living alone. I have two roommates now, and I expect this arrangement will go on for at least a few years more. Someday, I will get my own place again. But for now, it's me and two roommates.)
> 
> There are a number of books that address this topic. Here is one I read and enjoyed: https://www.amazon.com/Living-Alone-Loving-Barbara-Feldon/dp/0743235177/


Yeah?

Real Estate is a Sap.

Your butt would be making a dent on my couch, my kitchen chair, my bed. You would not be allowed to go home to your Apartheid Roomies.


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## FeministInPink

SunCMars said:


> Yeah?
> 
> Real Estate is a Sap.
> 
> Your butt would be making a dent on my couch, my kitchen chair, my bed. You would not be allowed to go home to your Apartheid Roomies.


I am! I spend half the week at his place, and I think he's want me there every night if he could.

(But he doesn't want a live-in girlfriend, or he ever wants be married again. If he wants me in his bed EVERY night, he'll have to figure that one out for himself.)


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## Hope Shimmers

3Xnocharm said:


> Why in hell didnt you have him blocked?? After all he has done, blocking him should have been automatic. I still say that jerk is married and has been all along.
> 
> The advice of "getting under" another man, in you case, is not good advice. You have a seriously broken man picker, along with codependent tendencies, so I think this would be a bad idea. I would suggest you stay away from men until you can get yourself into a more healthy frame of mind.


No, getting under a man is not good advice, and it didn't work.

But hey... sex is sex. Sometimes it's just about that. 

And yeah, I have a seriously broken man picker.


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## Hope Shimmers

toblerone said:


> ugh don't tell her that 3x, now I'll never get e-sex.


My man picker ain't THAT broken.

(j/k) :wink2:


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## Hope Shimmers

SunCMars said:


> NO!
> 
> No, to the bolded above. :bounce:
> 
> No attractive and worthy women should ever be left alone for one minute.
> 
> They are a precious commodity. They must not be wasted. Life is too damn short.
> 
> I can agree with an intermission, say, as at the old picture shows, when they change out the reels, to start Part II.
> But, during the intermission some lucky guy should be feeding her something sweet and comforting. Holding her arm. Never, ever letting her feel unappreciated.
> 
> Wasted, is not being held tight. A big kiss at every turn!!
> 
> It just pisses me off when I think about it.
> 
> Just sayin'
> 
> It is hard being a Rooster!
> 
> *Ah yeah, I wish I could be this person at home..........life can be cruel.


Thanks for the nice post. 

I do think that I need a long intermission, though.


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## Diana7

Hope Shimmers said:


> Yes, I think you have hit the nail on the head. I'm exhausted by trying to be part of a couple and I'm depressed when I don't. You are right, however. Just not sure how to actually be happy though, you know? I mean, you feel how you feel.


If being with a man exhausts you then you are with the wrong man.


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## Hope Shimmers

FeministInPink said:


> This is the hard part. Once you move, you might find this part--being happy alone--easier. If you're in a place where there is a lot to see and do, and where there are a lot of active meetups, it's a bit easier to find things that interest you and to stay fulfilled.
> 
> I've always enjoyed being alone. Being in a relationship takes up a lot of time and energy. I adore Real Estate, but being in a relationship with him, I give up a lot of my free/personal time, and that is something that I really enjoy. Sometimes I miss being single, and having all my time be for just me. When I was single, I would always say "yes" when my friends wanted to go out, even if they called at the last minute. Now, half the time I already have plans with Real Estate, a fourth of the time I say no because I need some time for myself, and a fourth of the time I say yes.
> 
> (I also miss living alone. I have two roommates now, and I expect this arrangement will go on for at least a few years more. Someday, I will get my own place again. But for now, it's me and two roommates.)
> 
> There are a number of books that address this topic. Here is one I read and enjoyed: https://www.amazon.com/Living-Alone-Loving-Barbara-Feldon/dp/0743235177/


Hi FIP - I will check out the book. Thank you.

So here is my question for you. You have been with RE for awhile now. From your post, it sounds like you don't see yourself living with him/marrying him within the next few years at least (based on your comments about roommates). So if you are finding yourself missing your free time, and if you don't see yourself with him full-time in the next few years. what are the parts of the relationship that make it worthwhile? I guess that is really what I am trying to figure out for myself.

I get involved with the wrong men. I like alpha men who are not doormats, and I will admit being attracted to the 'bad boy' vibe. So I guess I deserve what I get. I have a stressful job; I'm a physician, so I go to work and make decisions that cause people to either live or die every day. When I come home, I want someone else to take over, take charge. I don't want to have to decide between Italian or Chinese for dinner, you know? I don't want a doormat and there does not seem to be a happy medium. Or at least I haven't found it yet, if there is.


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## Hope Shimmers

Diana7 said:


> If being with a man exhausts you then you are with the wrong man.


Might be the most accurate statement I have read in a long time.


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## SunCMars

Diana7 said:


> If being with *a man exhausts you* then you are with the wrong man.


That triggered a memory.

I had an old Chevy that wheezed and whistled incessantly.

I could not cruise through town late at night without waking every dog and policeman.

I ran a compression test on the motors cylinders. One had zero compression.

One of the exhaust valves was stuck open.

With a boyfriend like that, that could be a stinking relationship! :grin2:

Just sayin'


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## Hope Shimmers

SunCMars said:


> That triggered a memory.
> 
> I had an old Chevy that wheezed and whistled incessantly.
> 
> I could not cruise through town late at night without waking every dog and policeman.
> 
> I ran a compression test on the motors cylinders. One had zero compression.
> 
> One of the exhaust valves was stuck open.
> 
> With a boyfriend like that, that could be a stinking relationship! :grin2:
> 
> Just sayin'


Man. I'm just shaking my head.

And I fully understood that whole post (as well as your last few), something that I find shocking. lol

I'm just not sure what to do with it :rofl:


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## john117

Making (correct, timely) decisions and taking charge (with expected results) are hardly the domain of alpha males. Likewise, coming home to a fulfilling relationship is hardly alpha male territory.

If you need someone to decide Italian or Chinese food for the both of you, how good are you in allowing your own personal preferences​ to permeate his blood/brain barrier? What are the ramifications of a "wrong choice"??? How is your tolerance of things???

Compatibility is more about tolerance and less about​ number of matching check boxes. There are exceptions, a nice summertime walk on North Lake Shore drive in Chicago followed by Chinese? Epic fail... but the world will not end if such small things happen.

My semi-professional psychologist opinion would be to increase your level of tolerance for the not critical stuff while maintaining a solid grasp on the critical stuff.


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## Hope Shimmers

Some good points here. Made me think.



john117 said:


> Making (correct, timely) decisions and taking charge (with expected results) are hardly the domain of alpha males. Likewise, coming home to a fulfilling relationship is hardly alpha male territory.


Yes, and I accept that my definition (or rather, their definition) of an alpha male is all freaking wrong. 

True alpha men don't really need to have that discussion at all. It's just there, and obvious. I think what happened was that I got mired into the alpha male and 'bad boy' thing. At 52 years old, that's embarrassing.



john117 said:


> If you need someone to decide Italian or Chinese food for the both of you, how good are you in allowing your own personal preferences​ to permeate his blood/brain barrier? What are the ramifications of a "wrong choice"??? How is your tolerance of things???


Well, the restaurant thing was a metaphor. Maybe not a great one; I'll give you that. 

There is no ramification of a "wrong choice". That's the point - the only "wrong choice" is not making a choice.

But still, it happened more often than I can express. If I say, can you pick where we go for dinner? And he says, No, YOU pick... I don't care.... then I'm eventually like, ummm, I'm just tired of decisions. ANY decisions. Just MAKE a decision. Just one. Please.

And I am very tolerant.



john117 said:


> Compatibility is more about tolerance and less about​ number of matching check boxes. There are exceptions, a nice summertime walk on North Lake Shore drive in Chicago followed by Chinese? Epic fail... but the world will not end if such small things happen.


You are talking to a native Chicago girl here, so a walk on Lake Shore Drive is what I WANT. Scratch the Chinese in favor of pizza. 



john117 said:


> My semi-professional psychologist opinion would be to increase your level of tolerance for the not critical stuff while maintaining a solid grasp on the critical stuff.


Nail hit on the head. Thank you. 

However, I think it will take until the next 2 years until I get back to Chi-town.


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## sokillme

Don't be afraid of being alone be hopeful. This is a new time for you, one where you will learn about yourself. Use the time to fix your picker and then come back stronger and if you happen to find the right one, with the fixed picker you may not have to be alone forever. But if you get used to being alone you will not be afraid to be alone.


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## FeministInPink

Hope Shimmers said:


> Hi FIP - I will check out the book. Thank you.
> 
> So here is my question for you. You have been with RE for awhile now. From your post, it sounds like you don't see yourself living with him/marrying him within the next few years at least (based on your comments about roommates). So if you are finding yourself missing your free time, and if you don't see yourself with him full-time in the next few years. what are the parts of the relationship that make it worthwhile? I guess that is really what I am trying to figure out for myself.


The answer to that question is complicated, and I don't think it will help you, but I will try to answer. 

I DO see myself staying with him in the long-term; I think he is a keeper. But he doesn't want a live-in girlfriend and he doesn't want to get married again, at least right now (he always qualifies this statement with, "but I might change my mind..."). He DOES see us staying together in the immediate long-term, for several years at least (I am not making assumptions or putting words in his mouth, he has actually said this), but he's clearly afraid of making a commitment. Which, given his experiences, I find understandable. Because part of me is also afraid of making that type of commitment again. I do eventually want the long-term commitment of marriage, but I'm also scared of it at the same time. I had to work far too hard to regain my independence, and I'm not quite ready to give that up yet; and I'm still working through my own residual issues, which came to surface throughout the divorce process. I'm not emotionally ready yet myself. 

He has asked that I be patient with him. He has some serious walls and defenses up... but very slowly, he is taking them down, brick by brick. It is a very slow process. It took over a year for him to introduce me to his friends (who have all said something along the lines, well, this explains why he's been so different [in a positive way]; they've all noticed), but now they want to invite me to everything. I've been selective in how often I accept, because I don't want this to overwhelm him. It was a very big step for him; I recognize it, but I don't think they do.

What makes it worthwhile? This is the best, healthiest relationship that I have ever had. There's no one else I would rather spend my time with. We are compatible in nearly every way, perhaps every way. We have great communication, and emotionally, he makes me feel safe, which I have never had before. He is very attentive to my needs--all of them. I still struggle with telling him when I am upset or bothered over something in our relationship (or something that he did or didn't do that upset me), but he always listens and is patient. He validates my feelings (even if he may think they are irrational), asks questions, and tries to understand me, which I know isn't always the easiest thing in the world. He puts in the effort to keep our relationship solid. He is committed to us and to me, even if his time frame isn't the same as what people on the outside think that it should be. Right now, he is giving me as much as he is capable of. If he could give me more, he would. I think he is capable of more, but he definitely needs more time, and I'm not going to push or try to force him on it. He needs to know that he's in control of the pace; that's the only thing that allows him to move forward.

He makes me incredibly happy, and I get so much out of our relationship. I've grown so much in the last year+ with him. I'm not going to give that up because there might be some other guy out there who will marry me, because is the guy that's going to marry me... is he going to be able to give me everything that RE does? RE might change his mind about marriage, he might not. I'm not worried about that. I accepted a long time ago that there was a very good chance that I would never get married again, and it's not the worst fate in the world. I'd rather spend 5 or 10 years in a happy, fulfilling relationship and not get married, than waste my time dating around and having several unsatisfying relationships in search of marriage.


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## john117

I'm glad you found my post useful! Chicago is where we always talked about retirement, lakefront high-rise condo, the works. In another life perhaps 😎.

First, learn how to be in Peace with yourself. Spend time playing what if. Go for the crazy choice once in awhile. Chinese food? Heck, Ukrainian. Very tasty.


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## Cooper

Hope the more I read your postings the more I realize how similar our feelings are. I mentioned earlier how you seem exhausted at working at being in relationships, then you posted about making life and death decisions everyday, or even the simple decision of where to go and eat, how you're just tired of making ALL the decisions. Me too! Short story is I have been saddled with responsibilities since I was a kid, present day as a business owner I am still saddled with responsibilities. Every day all day I am making decisions, I am exhausted being the "go to" guy professionally or in my personal life, I am exhausted by people always depending on me for all these years.

That is exactly why I am not in a relationship, I have a natural tendency to lead and help, to give more of myself than others are willing to do. I am wise enough to realize a relationship comes with obligations and I am wise enough to realize I don't seem to have the energy or desire to give that much of myself again. As much as I think I would like to be in love and have a woman in my life it would end up being unfair to them because I just don't see myself having the ability to be all in. 

Like you though I am still wanting a spark in my life, just unsure where to find it.


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## Ynot

Hope, there has been lot's of good (and some not so good) advice given here. I really do think so much of your issue is a result of allowing others to think for you ie trying to live up to the expectations of others. Your mother tells you "you are smart" so you think you should be able to "solve" this problem of yours and feel as if you failing when you don't. The whole idea that you even have a "problem" that you need to solve is due to the expectations of others. In fact I think it the idea that you have a problem that is causing your man-picker to be broken. I think the idea of being with someone (IOW your problem) makes you force things. 

Another thing I notice is you mentioned your age. So what? As a doctor surely you have access to the research that says at your age you have a better than 50/50 chance of living to be 90. That means almost 40 more years of life to live. Your success or failure should not be judged on where you are today or what happened yesterday or even what may happen tomorrow. It is a long term thing and you have plenty of time to get there. Surely you didn't feel like a failure on your first day of medical school? No, I am sure you felt like you were on your way and couldn't wait to tomorrow. That is how you should approach life. 

When you started med school, perhaps you had an idea of what sort of doctor you wanted to be. But as you learned more, certain things came easier and were more satisfying to you, or you may have discovered the less desirable aspects of what you thought you wanted and so you modulated your career path and chose a different specialty. Live your life like that.

So you made a mistake or two? So what, we all do. Learn from them, grow from them, become better for them.


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## john117

There's something to be said about being in peace with yourself. I mean, career wise, personal wise, financial wise...


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## Hope Shimmers

FeministInPink said:


> The answer to that question is complicated, and I don't think it will help you, but I will try to answer.
> 
> I DO see myself staying with him in the long-term; I think he is a keeper. But he doesn't want a live-in girlfriend and he doesn't want to get married again, at least right now (he always qualifies this statement with, "but I might change my mind..."). He DOES see us staying together in the immediate long-term, for several years at least (I am not making assumptions or putting words in his mouth, he has actually said this), but he's clearly afraid of making a commitment. Which, given his experiences, I find understandable. Because part of me is also afraid of making that type of commitment again. I do eventually want the long-term commitment of marriage, but I'm also scared of it at the same time. I had to work far too hard to regain my independence, and I'm not quite ready to give that up yet; and I'm still working through my own residual issues, which came to surface throughout the divorce process. I'm not emotionally ready yet myself.
> 
> He has asked that I be patient with him. He has some serious walls and defenses up... but very slowly, he is taking them down, brick by brick. It is a very slow process. It took over a year for him to introduce me to his friends (who have all said something along the lines, well, this explains why he's been so different [in a positive way]; they've all noticed), but now they want to invite me to everything. I've been selective in how often I accept, because I don't want this to overwhelm him. It was a very big step for him; I recognize it, but I don't think they do.
> 
> What makes it worthwhile? This is the best, healthiest relationship that I have ever had. There's no one else I would rather spend my time with. We are compatible in nearly every way, perhaps every way. We have great communication, and emotionally, he makes me feel safe, which I have never had before. He is very attentive to my needs--all of them. I still struggle with telling him when I am upset or bothered over something in our relationship (or something that he did or didn't do that upset me), but he always listens and is patient. He validates my feelings (even if he may think they are irrational), asks questions, and tries to understand me, which I know isn't always the easiest thing in the world. He puts in the effort to keep our relationship solid. He is committed to us and to me, even if his time frame isn't the same as what people on the outside think that it should be. Right now, he is giving me as much as he is capable of. If he could give me more, he would. I think he is capable of more, but he definitely needs more time, and I'm not going to push or try to force him on it. He needs to know that he's in control of the pace; that's the only thing that allows him to move forward.
> 
> He makes me incredibly happy, and I get so much out of our relationship. I've grown so much in the last year+ with him. I'm not going to give that up because there might be some other guy out there who will marry me, because is the guy that's going to marry me... is he going to be able to give me everything that RE does? RE might change his mind about marriage, he might not. I'm not worried about that. I accepted a long time ago that there was a very good chance that I would never get married again, and it's not the worst fate in the world. I'd rather spend 5 or 10 years in a happy, fulfilling relationship and not get married, than waste my time dating around and having several unsatisfying relationships in search of marriage.


Thank you for taking the time to write this. Actually, it does help.

You make some very good points. Especially that last line.

One thing that struck me is that RE makes you feel emotionally safe. That is what I am missing, in a huge way, as my last 2 relationships just tore that apart. 

Went to a counselor today (got in on a cancellation) who diagnosed me with PTSD. I never was someone who thought that could really exist outside of horrible war experiences. But he told me not to take it lightly. We will see what happens I guess.


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## Hope Shimmers

Cooper said:


> Hope the more I read your postings the more I realize how similar our feelings are. I mentioned earlier how you seem exhausted at working at being in relationships, then you posted about making life and death decisions everyday, or even the simple decision of where to go and eat, how you're just tired of making ALL the decisions. Me too! Short story is I have been saddled with responsibilities since I was a kid, present day as a business owner I am still saddled with responsibilities. Every day all day I am making decisions, I am exhausted being the "go to" guy professionally or in my personal life, I am exhausted by people always depending on me for all these years.
> 
> That is exactly why I am not in a relationship, I have a natural tendency to lead and help, to give more of myself than others are willing to do. I am wise enough to realize a relationship comes with obligations and I am wise enough to realize I don't seem to have the energy or desire to give that much of myself again. As much as I think I would like to be in love and have a woman in my life it would end up being unfair to them because I just don't see myself having the ability to be all in.
> 
> Like you though I am still wanting a spark in my life, just unsure where to find it.


Yes, that is how I feel too. Almost exactly.

I still want that spark though. It is the balancing act that is hard. I know I will keep seeking the spark, regardless of the cost.


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## Hope Shimmers

Ynot said:


> Hope, there has been lot's of good (and some not so good) advice given here. I really do think so much of your issue is a result of allowing others to think for you ie trying to live up to the expectations of others. Your mother tells you "you are smart" so you think you should be able to "solve" this problem of yours and feel as if you failing when you don't. The whole idea that you even have a "problem" that you need to solve is due to the expectations of others. In fact I think it the idea that you have a problem that is causing your man-picker to be broken. I think the idea of being with someone (IOW your problem) makes you force things.
> 
> Another thing I notice is you mentioned your age. So what? As a doctor surely you have access to the research that says at your age you have a better than 50/50 chance of living to be 90. That means almost 40 more years of life to live. Your success or failure should not be judged on where you are today or what happened yesterday or even what may happen tomorrow. It is a long term thing and you have plenty of time to get there. Surely you didn't feel like a failure on your first day of medical school? No, I am sure you felt like you were on your way and couldn't wait to tomorrow. That is how you should approach life.
> 
> When you started med school, perhaps you had an idea of what sort of doctor you wanted to be. But as you learned more, certain things came easier and were more satisfying to you, or you may have discovered the less desirable aspects of what you thought you wanted and so you modulated your career path and chose a different specialty. Live your life like that.
> 
> So you made a mistake or two? So what, we all do. Learn from them, grow from them, become better for them.


Very wise words. Thank you. 

Do you feel like you live your life that way? From your posts I get the feeling that you do, especially in the last year or so and as you move forward post-divorce.

One of the reasons I decided on med school was that it was close to my dorm. LOL Actually, that was only one of the reasons, but it was a reason. So that may tell you something about how I have ended up making some important life decisions.


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## john117

My younger girl is starting medical school in a couple months and is terrified of having to live on her own... That's the same person who went to school 12 hours away by car, never learned how to cook or drive... I know, I know. Decisions 😷


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## Ynot

Hope Shimmers said:


> Very wise words. Thank you.
> 
> Do you feel like you live your life that way? From your posts I get the feeling that you do, especially in the last year or so and as you move forward post-divorce.
> 
> One of the reasons I decided on med school was that it was close to my dorm. LOL Actually, that was only one of the reasons, but it was a reason. So that may tell you something about how I have ended up making some important life decisions.


Ok, that post just confirms everything I said. While you may say you really only chose medical school because it was close to your dorm, the fact remains that you were qualified enough to get into it and smart enough to finish it. You made a lot of very important life decisions to get there, the first of which was developing your brain.

I am definitely trying my best to live my life like that. But I have to admit, there are times when I feel I let myself down. I don't always live up to some of the advise I give. At least, on a regular basis. Most of the time. But even now, I still find myself allowing old thoughts and old emotions to creep in. Don't feel bad when you do. Just remember those times. Because it helps you see how far you have come when you are living the life you know to be best. Keep the faith in yourself alive and follow it.


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## FeministInPink

@Ynot it can be very difficult to heed the same advice that you give other people. I sometimes have the same problem, but goodness knows I'm working on it! Behavioral patterns and ingrained emotional reactions can be very difficult to break and re-program. I think a lot of people struggle with it. They know what they should do in a situation, but they still do the exact opposite.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## FeministInPink

Hope Shimmers said:


> Thank you for taking the time to write this. Actually, it does help.
> 
> You make some very good points. Especially that last line.
> 
> One thing that struck me is that RE makes you feel emotionally safe. That is what I am missing, in a huge way, as my last 2 relationships just tore that apart.
> 
> Went to a counselor today (got in on a cancellation) who diagnosed me with PTSD. I never was someone who thought that could really exist outside of horrible war experiences. But he told me not to take it lightly. We will see what happens I guess.


I'm glad it helped you in some way. I talk about my own stuff on other people's threads a lot, not because I have to talk about myself all the time, but in hopes that my experiences can help others.

PTSD as a result of divorce (or bad childhood) isn't uncommon, but I don't think it's widely recognized or acknowledged. There are some articles here and there, but I haven't seen a lot written about it. 

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## Hope Shimmers

john117 said:


> My younger girl is starting medical school in a couple months and is terrified of having to live on her own... That's the same person who went to school 12 hours away by car, never learned how to cook or drive... I know, I know. Decisions 😷


That's great! I wish I could go back to those days. Some of the best (and hardest) days of my life. I'm sure she will love it.


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## Hope Shimmers

Ynot said:


> Ok, that post just confirms everything I said. While you may say you really only chose medical school because it was close to your dorm, the fact remains that you were qualified enough to get into it and smart enough to finish it. You made a lot of very important life decisions to get there, the first of which was developing your brain.
> 
> I am definitely trying my best to live my life like that. But I have to admit, there are times when I feel I let myself down. I don't always live up to some of the advise I give. At least, on a regular basis. Most of the time. But even now, I still find myself allowing old thoughts and old emotions to creep in. Don't feel bad when you do. Just remember those times. Because it helps you see how far you have come when you are living the life you know to be best. Keep the faith in yourself alive and follow it.


Thanks Ynot. I definitely don't always live up to the advice I give either. If only we could be objective about ourselves in those situations.

Regarding the comment about why I chose to go to medical school... I feel like I can do whatever I set my mind to, but that my decision-making is often based on all the wrong reasons.


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## Diana7

john117 said:


> My younger girl is starting medical school in a couple months and is terrified of having to live on her own... That's the same person who went to school 12 hours away by car, never learned how to cook or drive... I know, I know. Decisions 😷


It will be brilliant for her. My children really grew up and matured once they left home and had to look after themselves.


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## Diana7

FeministInPink said:


> I'm glad it helped you in some way. I talk about my own stuff on other people's threads a lot, not because I have to talk about myself all the time, but in hopes that my experiences can help others.
> 
> PTSD as a result of divorce (or bad childhood) isn't uncommon, but I don't think it's widely recognized or acknowledged. There are some articles here and there, but I haven't seen a lot written about it.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


I honestly think that PTSD is a far too widely used phrase/diagnosis now. I have been through some terrible things, such as having a mother who killed herself, but I would never claim that, nor did I go to a doctor about the suffering I was going through. Much of it is just life and having to bear the grief and shock of what happens to us.


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