# This is probably an easy one - but I still need help



## FinallyReady99 (Jan 7, 2013)

This story has been going on for a while. I'll break it into simple parts. I need help in knowing how to make the next step

Part 1: Before kid(s)
I relocated her to my city and I already owned a house. Actually, I bought a new house once I knew I was going to marry her. We lived in the house for a couple years together before marriage. She slept a lot. A TON actually. I'm a go-getter and enjoy sunshine and general activity. I used this time to build out the house as it wasnt totally finished. It took 4 years. She finally noticed after 2 years what I was doing. I thought it was obviously not good that she would rather sleep her life away. But after 2pm, we did stuff together - so I thought I was living the best life. 

I had talks with her about being more active and doing things together. She resisted. I bought a boat for her to come out together. She never went. On and on. Many of my friends thought I was kidding when I said I even had a wife. 

Part 2 (kids)
Child 1 - she still slept a lot. Very helicopter mom when she was awake and insisted that child sleep in the parental bed. I had obvious issues with this but was constantly "shusshed" at the doctor's office. After almost 2 years, I realized that she was possibly shielding me with the child. I was sleeping now in another room as our bed was too small for 3 people. 

Child 2 - on the way. Wife is still depressed, now quit her job. Said she hates the town where we live. I have an established career and a side business I have started but paying the bills has gotten a lot harder. I'm now trying to make her credit card payments - premarital of almost 20k. Wish I had known about that earlier. 

We talked and talked, but she didnt want to try. I had heart to heart talks but it was like she had never heard them before. 

I'm now at wits end and want my wife to be happy. Now with child 2 on the way, how am I going to get her to help out? I can't raise 2 kids by myself.


New Location
I decide to take a job up at her home town - end my career and my side business - all to save the family and my sanity. We relocate. We nearly lose everything. Bill collectors calling. This goes on for a year. I re-start my side business in the new town and it is starting to pick up. Thankfully, it is saving our *sses. We are barely making the mortgage and now daycare for 2 kids. She wont even get out of bed - wont watch the kids. 

Finally, with help from her parents (who have been awesome) - she gets a job. Actually making pretty darn good money. Half my income anyway. However, I never see a dime of that to help out. I finally make her pay for one daycare cost. She's still broke all the time.


1 Year later 
My side business is really helping me out. I finally catch up with ALL the bills and even pay off a car early. I can't believe it. I'm so excited and was able to do this all from home. Wife totally resents my effort and in fact gets in the way of me trying to do it. I work generally at night or at lunchtime - so that my family gets my attention. I'm wearing myself out mentally and physically but I am trying to right this ship. I am a fighter and will not allow life to get the best of me and my family.

Wife still depressed, but now losing a ton of weight (she wasnt big anyway). Thyroid changes and she is also seeing a counselor. Come to find out, she is telling counselor and friends that I am a abuser or verbal abuser or something. She stopped wearing her ring a while ago. I even understand that she's even told people that she is divorced and that we have an agreement to live together? HUH? She's buried in facebook and even changed her relationship status from married to "do not display"

Her friends are now no longer friendly to me. Actually, now she only has dysfunctional single friends. She is now going out once a weekend and often doesnt come home until the next morning. Often to be followed up by sleeping the next day. She is completely ignoring her kids other than maybe an hour a day lays on the couch and lets them snuggle up to her while she is on the iPad. They're now 2 and 6. I love them more than my own life and I get emotional even thinking about putting them through a divorce.

She is still shielding me from the master bedroom and our 6 year old still sleeps with her. I beg her to get her out and have her sleep in her own room - but she doesnt want that. I have now probably slept in the same bed a dozen times in 5 years. Sex? dont even ask. She did come home drunk a couple times (when I was asleep) and try to get some action, but at this time I am so upset about the matter I cannot even begin to start with that. That of course makes her mad.

I have gone through the range of emotions on this matter. For the last year plus I have just kept my cool and kept the peace. I know that her friends and family are also watching - which to me is an advantage as I need some witnesses that dispel all these lies. I am afraid that because I am a man, that I am already one foot out the door with a properly placed call to the police or something. I fear that.

Her family finally comes to the rescue and gives her a intervention (not about me, but about spending time with her kids). She twists the reality of that and denies it ever happened.

On top of this all - she is a pathological liar. Has been since day one. She now lies with such ease and confidence she can twist reality without a conscience. She does it often. I have proof - which I dont even bother to confront her on. She even has books on how to persuade people and how to get what you want. I used to fall into the trap but I now see it.

I've resided to having a horrible marriage because I want the kids to have love. She no doubt loves these kids. That's never been an issue. I have resided to being a single dad, raising the kids with their mother present (in the other room sleeping). I have somehow accepted this as normal now.

Last week - she states she is "done" and no longer can live like this. That I am aggressive with her (?????). The twisting of reality is baffling but I have gone on to not confront her about it anymore as it never gets resolved. She even told her dad to come take the gun out of our house. Obviously, I was mortified by the accusation that I could even be slightly aggressive and hurtful to her or the kids.

She says she "loves me" and will not "prevent me from seeing my kids". WHAT?? Like she has that authority? If there is one thing I know, is not to challenge my wife as she will find the strength to win - regardless of what the prize is. 

So, apparently I have 60 days - from what she says. She did not give me what happens then as I don't think it matters right now. I think her view of reality is so skewed that it cannot be reasoned with. I am confused in what she thinks is going to happen then. I am certainly not moving out. I pay 100% of the bills, 2 car notes, and daycare for one child. I have to work a hobby/business to cover the rest. I have no life otherwise.

She pays for daycare for one, and her own credit cards. That's it. She has more spending money than I do by far as she makes 50k a year but is still broke all the time (well that's what she says when she grabs my visa/checking card).

I even bought her a car 3 weeks ago. That's another story.

She still goes out - maybe not all night anymore. On weekends, she'll sleep in till noon, shower, then go shopping till 6pm. Come home, go to sleep (close door), wake up and go to a friends house. Not much interaction here with the family. Like a passing cousin to my kids.

She doesnt keep up after herself. Throws laundry on the floor. Doesnt cook or clean for herself or the kids. Hasn't even hung a picture on the wall of our new home.

I am not a jealous person - as I have too much trust and belief that life cannot be consumed with negative energy. However, I did find a holiday card from someone in her purse accidentally. Hey, I had to look. It of course said "to pumpkin, I love you. XOXOX bear" Also, I had been wondering who she bought the Best Buy gift card for - for Christmas. It obviously wasnt for me. In fact. she didnt even buy her own parents gifts (I did at the last minute). However she bought a case of wine and gifts for "friends in the office"

So apparently someone has been busy and has a love interest. I kind of figured it would happen... and likely kind of want it to happen. I now want her to want to go but I dont have the heart/balls to kick her out. I am more concerned now about the kids and my financial stability. It sickens me that she would likely get a hearty child support or possibly even spousal support - however we live in a no fault state. So documenting anything about being unfaithful seems to be pointless. Unless I am wrong here.

Now what - apparently I need to get some help with this next step. Divorce counseling - where to start? I will be happy with 50% custody - knowing full well they will be in my care for 90%+. How do I keep this amicable without her taking everything left that I have? I dont have much, but the move to a new city has crushed my finances to ZERO and my credit now is horrible.

HELP HELP HELP. I've done this for 11 years now and still have some life left in me.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

The best advice I can give is to call a lawyer ASAP. Do not wait. Protect yourself. The lawyer will be able to spell out the best possible outcome and the actions you can take to best achieve it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Read No More Mr Nice Guy and also Married Man Sex Life Primer (not about sex). You need to understand what YOU are doing wrong.


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## FinallyReady99 (Jan 7, 2013)

ok! I've been resisting so much to go this next step... but I'll make that first call. I'm more scared now that I'm going to be side-swiped that I better do something to protect myself.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Nothing changes nothing changes If you are sick and tired of the way you have been treated you either accept it or do something different this is a decision you need to make if one of your friends told you this same story what would be your response to them ?? 

Good Luck


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## FinallyReady99 (Jan 7, 2013)

i know. I have to trust that my kids will make it out ok and that I wont be put out on the street. I don't have much any backup regarding friends or family here as I relocated the family in a last ditch attempt to fix it all. 

I had a sneaking suspicion this would happen years ago... but I had to say I tried.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

1. Get an attorney...NOW...TODAY, TOMORROW at the latest.

2. IF you have/can get evidence of an AFFAIR, DO SO! No, it will probably NOT help your divorce. It MAY help salvage YOUR reputation with your in-laws (your children's grandparents) and your community.

3. Hang in there and check out the Coping With Infidelity section of this website. Much better advice THERE about what to do and what to expect.

4. Sounds like your wife has a mental disease.


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