# New Member



## magicsunset08 (Oct 30, 2008)

Hi,
I am a new member to this forum. I have been married for 13 years. About 2 years ago my wife had an affair that lasted for a full year. We have 2 kids and at that particular time I thought we were happily married. I was floored. Well, some time has passed and the emotional damage is still there. I love her and she loves me, but it just is not the same. I don't trust her like I did. I don't think i ever can. I have tried everything and the bottom line is.....she does not seem like she is in to me like she was before the affair. I am no longer mad at her, but i am so frustrated. Just this morning, i rolled over in bed and tried to give her a hug once the alarm went off. She sighed and froze up when i tried to hug her. I said, "you just don't like to cuddle in the morning, huh?" She said, "No and i don't know why?" I just rolled over and laid there.. She then proceeded to grab my arm. It is if that she will only show any type of affection when she feels guilty. That drives me nuts. Look, I know I am not perfect, but most feel i am a pretty good guy. Most say i am good looking and things like that. I have never had trouble with women. I think my wife is beautiful. when i tell her that she acts like i am full of crap. The guy she had the affair with was married and is not good looking at all. That is coming from her mouth. When i saw him i was even more floored. My self worth took a big hit. I am committed to this marriage, but i am so worn out from trying to be Mr. greatguy. I don't try near as hard as i did and things are actually better. Still nowhere close to where they were before the affair. I still feel betrayed and quite honestly i feel i deserve better. I don't feel sorry for myself any more. i am way past that. I don't like talking to her about it anymore because she won't participate much and gets defensive when i talk about my feelings. And i am the type of person who likes to solve things by communication and leave nothing to hide. Does anyone have any advise out there that may have conquered a situation like this. We have tried counseling to no avail. I just continue to be myself and whatever happens--happens. But, I am tired and bored!!!


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## stumped (May 16, 2008)

In my personal opinion you have to wipe the slate clean after a spouse has an affair....and not everyone can do that and that doesnt make you a bad person if you cant do that. It sounds to me as if you still struggle with her infidelity and you said yourself you dont trust her and as long as you still struggle with the trust and the affair it will always be something that will cause a "wedge" so to speak. 

But may I ask if you have tried counseling, talking etc. and things still havent gotten better and you are still unhappy....why are you still together?


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## magicsunset08 (Oct 30, 2008)

I love her. I always will. It's not that I am unhappy, I am just tired and bored. The magic that i thought was there is no longer there. It does not take much for me to feel magic.. I am a guy after all. I just know what doesn't work,but have no idea what does work..If that makes any sense. I just know things could be better. Let's put it this way.. It has been a longgggggggggg time since she has given me that look of approval like I am the guy she wants and longs for. That is frusstrating!


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## magicsunset08 (Oct 30, 2008)

I agree. She does not like counseling. She is very stubborn. She tells me she loves me 2-3 times every day. I know she loves me in her own way. The problem is that she was telling me that when she was sleeping with another man. So, obviously words don't mean much. We have talked openly about what our needs are and she knows what mine are. She has been getting better, but it is still very hard for her. She has always told me that she feels that what comes around goes around. It is almost like she is waiting for me to retaliate. I don't work that way. I have not cheated and do not plan on it. I do my best to keep myself out of those type of situations. I have been approached by women who have laid everything on the table to speak, but i don't work that way either. I know my wife was molested at a young age. I know that has something to do with how she feels about intimacy or the lack of it. But, again she had sex with another guy on more than one occasion. I don't want to open up something that is in the past. And I have put it behind me, but when i try to display affection in any way and she denies my affection..how can i not feel rejected. The same way as i did when she was having her afair. How do i know that she is not still having the affair and just gotten better at hiding it. The only way i know how to cope with it is to look at her as a friend and love her unconditionally, which i have no problem doing. But, it is an unhealthy marriage. I want more out of the relationship. I want to talk about it, but i also want to be patient. It goes way back. As i stated, we have been married 13 years and been together for 15. Also, we only dated 2 months before we became pregnant. I know this was not healthy at the time, but we made the committment and loved each other. So, we married got involved in church and everything seemed perfect. Then BOOM! I am committed and love her very much. But, i don't want to wake up when i am 45 and say What the Hell am I still doing with you?! I have tried everything. She used to accuse me of trying too hard. My response was..at least I try. Well, I don't try very hard at all anymore. It has made me calous. I hate that because I have alot more to give, but i don't think she does because she is either scared or living a lie. And I will not call her a liar unless she was caught doing somethin wrong. I just wanted to know if anyone has conquered something like this. Am i expecting too much? I don't like going through the motions. any input would be greatly appreciated.


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## CPT CONFUSED (Oct 16, 2008)

"I don't trust her like I did. I don't think i ever can."

you don't trust her my friend because for some reason you don't trust yourself. sit back and reflect on the entire situation not just how you feel but look at the big picture the whole thing youd be very suprised at what you might learn.. not trying to kick you in the nuts when your down trust me im there now. please sit back and take in everything it will make a world of differance trust me on that one! just my two cents!! 


CPT


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

magicsunset08 said:


> I love her. I always will. It's not that I am unhappy, I am just tired and bored. The magic that i thought was there is no longer there. It does not take much for me to feel magic.. I am a guy after all. I just know what doesn't work,but have no idea what does work..If that makes any sense. I just know things could be better. Let's put it this way.. It has been a longgggggggggg time since she has given me that look of approval like I am the guy she wants and longs for. That is frusstrating!


i have never been involved in a relationship where my spouse/partner had an affair, so i don't know. but i think stumped has it right. the "clean slate" theory. but it sounds like clean slate or not, you're just not "feeling it" anymore.

you wanna "feel it?" try this: try putting 110% into making her feel loved. little tokens of appreciation, words, cards, flowers once in a while. do that for a month. i guarantee you'll find yourself falling in love again. my wife separated from me about 4 months ago. i don't know what effect my efforts have had on her (that's not exactly true. this woman was "done" when she left. we are still married and we still date today. get along better than we have for years) but it made me remember what it was like to court her.

they used to call it "fake it til you make it" and it's just a suggestion from the peanut gallery. try it, it might work.


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## TGolbus (Nov 3, 2008)

Take time to get to know your wife again....have some dates, etc. In 13 years she (as well as you) are bound to change. Find out what her love language is (google if you don't know how to do this). Find out how she copes with things out of her control (does she shut down, put up a wall)?
She has to be "ready" to take down the wall. If she isn't secure - based on what she needs to feel secure then it can't come down.
Have faith, focus, and ensure you are a good role model of a spouce that treats the other with respect, shows unconditional love, and won't hurt her.
If you are having trouble really getting over the affair (it too me almost a year) then read the book - forgive for good.
Good luck man!!!!


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