# Financial betayal don't know what to do



## noralee (Jan 29, 2010)

Hi, I am new to these forums and I hope you can provide some unbiased advice. I have confided in a couple of close friends but none of them have gone through anything like this.

I am married 22 years with two children. One of them will be starting college next fall. With this in mind, I had been trying to save as much as possible. Unfortunately, not enough. 

My H had a great job and a business which allowed us extra disposable income for a little while. He had always been a spender and this allowed us extra room. Unfortunately, in the past two years, he lost both. The job because of him getting involved with office politics that I told him to stay out of. The business because of his distraction with the job loss and the economy. Since then, he was only able to find a job at half the salary he used to make. Last year, as I was updating our financial, I noticed he had taken a loan for $40,000 from our life insurance. I freaked out. He also confessed to taking out an additional $40,000 in private loans to payoff his business debts. He had done all of this without my knowledge. We are still paying off his personal credit card debts while he keeps incurring debt on another private credit card. I feel like I am beating my head against the wall! We had a huge fight and I threathened to leave but eventually we talked about making it work. He took a part-time job to help pay off the debt. Now, while checking the financials again this year, I realize that he never witheld enough taxes and we will owe $15,000 in taxes this year! This after I told him to make sure he withheld enough because I wanted no surprises at tax time with college bills looming. I feel that I am just drowning in debt because of him. How can we send our D to college when he continues to sabotage our family. I work my butt off to cover help cover the bills that he keeps incurring. I had plans for our future which now do not even seem possible because we will spend the next 20 years paying off this nonsense. 

I considered getting divorce because I am tired of fixing his problems and babysitting him. However, I have done some research a nd learned that I would lose half our assets but may continue to incur 1/2 the debts. This does not make sense to me but it is the law. I talked to someone who went through a divorce recently and she confirmed it possible as she lost almost 1/2 their assets to her H.

I feel he will not change. He does not respect me or follow my advice but his actions ruin my life. I have had to ditch my dreams because of him. I have been responsible while he has thrown our money away. Further, our marriage itself is not stellar. He does not help around the house because he works to jobs. Our house is looking pretty shabby these days. He pays little attention to me except when he wants sex and he barely has conversations with me. I don't know what I am here for except to solve his problems.

Don't know what to do.


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## kissycupcake (Feb 9, 2010)

Although, I have not been married as long as you have and do not have any children I understand what you are going through. My husband and I have been married for 2 1/2 yrs and he has done the same things to me when he entered this marriage he didn't have a single penny I had $25,000 in the bank and I foolishly entrusted him with that. My husband took advantage and started his own business which failed, bought a new truck without discussing it with me first, which got repoed because he wasn't making any money with his business. I have lost everything and I think its time we split because like you said babysitting is getting tiresome. but he keeps promising he will change. My suggestion to you is to tell your husband that if he doesn't change his ways you are leaving him if he doesn't believe you leave for a few days, I did this and now my H is kissing my but you have to give them a reality check he won't realize what he is losing until your gone don't leave for good because that might not be what you really want, but a seperation wouldn't hurt. It gives them a wake up call.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Talk to an attorney. Your financial situation depends on state laws. I'm guessing here, but if he was able to take out loans without your knowledge, they are in his name alone and you may not be responsible for them. Again, check with a lawyer. I know in our state--which is a communal property state, neither party can take out a loan alone without notification of the spouse, for example. 

Your feelings are really understandable. I hope you talk to an attorney and find the answers to your liking. Good luck. Just knowing you may not be responsible for his debt may give you the strength to stand up to him and make him realize how close he is to losing you--and it *could* bring about the change you want to see in him. Never hurts to try.


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