# Friends wife cheating..should I tell?



## chicagobeat (Sep 12, 2013)

Hi,

I am in a sticky situation at the moment and am hoping someone can help.

My wife and I are friends with another couple. The man in the other couple is my best friend, and his wife is my wifes best friend. We have been close as couple for about 4 or 5 years where I have known my best friend for close to 15 years.

For a few months now it has been obvious that their marriage is going through a tough period. My friend has even confided in me about this and has asked me for advice on what to do. His version of the story is that he is trying to make to marriage work but his wife is completely unresponsive to anything he suggests.

This came to a head a few weeks ago when he told me he suspected she was cheating. She was telling him that she was at places he knew she wasn't, acting very defensive when he asked her what she had been doing that day and various other strange behavior. Basically he was starting to get suspicious. At this point I knew nothing and told him I didn't know what to say but I don't think she would cheat on him (I honestly didn't think she would)

After I had this conversation with my friend and, because my wife is such good friends with her I asked her if she knew if anything was going on, and my wife said she didn't know of anything. 

Fast forward a few weeks and one night my wife comes out with a bombshell. My friends wife has been having an affair and had told my wife about it but sworn her to secrecy. Now I understand my wife was put in an impossible position here. Her best friend had confided in her and she was not supposed to tell anyone, but in the end the guilt of knowing what her friends husband (who she is also friends with) is being lied to and cheated on got too much and she had to tell me about it.

Now I don't know what to do. I want to tell my friend that his wife is having an affair. I feel like it is my duty as a best friend but in doing so I will have to tell him that it is my wife who told me about it. This means that my wife will more than likely lose her best friend. 

Any advice appreciated.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Okay so I'll put myself in your position. There's two issues going on here.

1. Your wife. How long did she know about this affair. If it was a short time (a few weeks) I wouldn't worry about it. But if my wife had known for say a few months, and it only came to the surface because I asked, I'd be disappointed in my wife. Cheating should NEVER be an acceptable behavior, and if you know about it and do nothing, you're enabling and in turn accepting it. I would hope my wife would be of a higher moral caliber than to enable an affair.

2. Your best friend and his wife. Would you want to know. How would you feel if it was your friend?

Obviously you need to tell your friend, but you need to talk to your wife and have a united front because there's going to be blow back against all four of you.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Since your friend already suspects that his wife is having an affair, anything you say that will suggest that he is correct will be helpful to him. His wife can't really expect her affair to be a secret, and he does have a right to know. Your friend will either find out now (from you) or find out later on his own and resent that you knew and didn't tell him.

Be a friend. Tell your friend what you know. The Wife doesn't get to use you and your wife as co-conspirators.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

go have some beers with your friend and be a true friend by telling him.

advise him to play it cool and catch her red handed so she won't know that anybody told him.

send him here to see the evidence gathering thread and educate him on how to protect his assets.

but stress to him how important it is for him to keep this all under his hat until he has gathered enough evidence to prove with out a doubt that she is a cheating *****. maybe even enlist your wife to try to find the details to help him. if your wife balks because she is a friend then in my opinion your wife has a charachter flaw. and that would make me scratch my head .

remember doing the right thing is most times the hardest thing to do.

would you expect your friend to tell you. ask your wife if she would expect her friend to tell her if she was in this situation.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

You should expose the affair to your friend. He doesn't deserve to be cuckolded while his best friends help his wife keep it a secret.

Your wife doesn't want to lose her friend. But this is wrong. What if your wife's friend told your wife that she murdered somebody? Would your wife still keep her secret? Some secrets should not be kept.

If your friend wants, or needs, proof, direct him to the Coping With Infidelity forum here. There, he can learn about how to put voice-activated recorders (VARs) under the seat of her car, put spyware on her phone, and put keylogger software on her PC in order to monitor her actions and get iron-clad proof of her affair.

Good luck.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

chicagobeat said:


> The man in the other couple is my best friend


This should not be a question. He's your best friend. Talk to him today.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

I have been blessed with friends that told me of a few instances of infidelity. Be a real friend and sit him down and tell him. It's a horrible feeling to find out via email, keylogger or catching them in the act. 

Please tell your friend to store any weapons he might have offsite and prompty contact an attorney so he gets his ducks in the row. Also recommend him to check his bank statements.

Just remember that you also need to protect your marriage during this as cheaters tend to drag others into the swirl when being flushed like the turds they are.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Why is this even a question? Telling your best friend of his wife's affair vs Keeping the adulterous secret of your wife's ex-best friend. No contest.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You absolutely tell him.

And you also have a conversation with your wife about why she would feel any loyalty to a woman who is cheating on her husband and on a man who is also a friend of your wife.

In fact you and your wife she tell him together and pledge your support for him.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'd also be looking at your own wife at this time and ask if she's socialized with the cheating friend and the OM, or if she's provided cover to enable the affair.

Because frankly her total lack of honest action her is very troubling about her own character and loyalties.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I think that your wife should follow hibiscus' example and stand up to her friend for the nasty thing that she by putting her in the middle . she was asked to keep a secret that makes her just as guilty of deceit. the friend can either own up to what she's done or you and your wife will tell her husband . ASAP . 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## James C (Sep 6, 2013)

I know I'm going against the grain here but the husband already knows. If he didn't have any clue I would tell him outright. 
Because he has red flags all over and refuses to see the truth, I would tread just a little more lightly. 
Shooting the messenger and not knowing the dynamics of the four of you makes it difficult to answer what I'd do. 

I would push him to him knowing without betraying my wife's confidence. 
He already has a clue so I would give him ways of finding out the affair on his own. 
I would tell him, that's what I would do etc.. You would be a fool not to. 

I would take the next step depending on how much initiative he takes.
When I tell someone or someone tells me in confidence, I take that loyalty seriously 
and my marriage comes first before any other marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Is the affair with a work colleague?

Club or church member or any other social circle?

You could always pen an anonymous letter from (for instance) a work colleague.


Thing is, would you want him to tell you if he knew?


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

James C said:


> I know I'm going against the grain here but the husband already knows. If he didn't have any clue I would tell him outright.
> Because he has red flags all over and refuses to see the truth, I would tread just a little more lightly.


The husband "suspects." He doesn't know. I'd hope that my BEST FRIEND would have the b*lls to tell me.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your wife will lose her friend. But what kind of friend does a person who betray's her husband make? A lying betrayer is not friend material in my world.

Your male friend will hate your wife, since she protected this terrible secret.

Your friend deserves to know, since he is innocently trying to fix his marriage with a lying cheater who is basically using him and her marriage for personal gain while she cheats.

The right thing to do is to tell him, in my opinion. You must accept that there will be a consequence, but that is a consequence of the wife's cheating, and not anyone disclosing anything. 

I would be furious with my wife for hiding this from me as well.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Hicks said:


> Your wife will lose her friend. But what kind of friend does a person who betray's her husband make? A lying betrayer is not friend material in my world.
> 
> Your male friend will hate your wife, since she protected this terrible secret.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

You bring up an interesting and valid point. Suppose YOUR bf told YOU that he/she was cheating on their spouse? What does a friend, with moral conviction, do in that event.

Do you keep the secret, co-conspire, and remain close friends with a person who would betray their spouse and have the audacity to tell you and expect you to keep it a secret? Is it because this "friend" knows "secrets" about YOU as well? 

Or do you counsel your friend against this betrayal and distance yourself from this person who committed such an act against their own marriage? Do you also then confide in your spouse as to why you want to distance yourself?

Is there some third option that I am missing here? Although the OP hasn't addressed the purpose of his wife keeping this secret "sacred" until she "slipped", it does call into question her own complicity and why she would allow this "friend" to use her to keep this secret.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Hicks said:


> Your wife will lose her friend. But what kind of friend does a person who betray's her husband make? A lying betrayer is not friend material in my world.
> 
> Your male friend will hate your wife, since she protected this terrible secret.
> 
> ...


Ya, your wife's friend will be history anyways...you don't want your wife hanging out with a cheating slot, especially after the divorce when she's single and wants your wife for wing-man.

Of course you tell your best friend. You also sit down with your wife and figure out why she would keep this from you for any amount of time. People should know when they say "you can't tell anyone" that it doesn't apply to your spouse...I always respond with "we don't keep secrets from each other, so if that's gonna be a problem for you, then don't tell me your secret".


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

chicagobeat said:


> This means that my wife will more than likely lose her best friend.


Consider your wife's best friend as a plague carrier until she stops cheating.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

This is an easy one.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Hicks said:


> Your wife will lose her friend. But what kind of friend does a person who betray's her husband make? A lying betrayer is not friend material in my world.
> 
> Your male friend will hate your wife, since she protected this terrible secret.
> 
> ...


I totally agree, except it would depend on how long my wife knew. If she was privy to a 3 month affair or longer, I'd be more than pissed.

If this is something she found out a couple weeks ago and was still trying to wrap her head around it and how to handle it, I wouldn't be bothered at all. I don't ask for perfection. I just ask for the right thing be done.

I would struggle with allowing the woman into our lives though. That would be my biggest issue once the initial crap storm hit.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

kinda of a side question.

reguarding friends and moral charachter.

its been said on here even by myself that if you find out your friend of a very long time was cheating that they arn't friend material and most likly it would be best off to distance yourself from someone with poor morals etc.


now what if say you found a friend was horrible with money and put their family in financial jepordy by being irresponcalbe with how they handled money should you do the same thing and distance yourself?


what if you thought something similiar about their parenting style?

when do you say their a friend and they make poor decissions but I still like them so I don't care to know whats happening in their private lives.


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## chicagobeat (Sep 12, 2013)

Thank you all for your replies.

First things first, there are no secrets of my own involved that I need to be concerned of as someone above suggested. My dilemma with all this is my loyalty to my wife. If my wife wasn't friends with his wife I wouldn't have hesitated to tell him.

Second thing, I have expressed to my wife my disappointment in her not telling me sooner. But I have also put myself In her position. If my best friend had confided in me that he was having an affair, would I have told her? I'm not so sure I would, simply because no matter what the secret, If someone tells you something in confidence, it should stay in confidence.

Ultimately I want my friend to know about this one way or another. My wife is going to try and convince her best friend to come clean, although as she has tried doing this already I don't hold out much hope.

The other option I am considering is trying to point my friend in the right direction as opposed to telling him outright. I think I know a way of doing this but won't go into it here (too long winded).

Thanks,


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

There is always the anonymous letter, or tell him you saw what you thought was your friend and his wife in her car and when she was out without him.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

When my first wife and I were married, we had another couple that we were really good friends with. The guys wife was cheating on her husband and my wife and I found out about it. I told him and didn't give a damn if his wife found out about it. 

When his wife found out, she called me and read me the riot act and I listened to her and after she ran out of things to say, I told her that if she wanted to blame anyone, then look in the mirror.

My wife thought I should have said nothing and I said to her, would you want to know if I was cheating on you? That kind of stopped her in her tracks and she knew I did the right thing. Then she told me she knew about it maybe three months before. I was mad and told her that by not telling me, we were helping his wife and hurting him. Little did I know that my wife was having an affair with him and I didn't find out until after she and I divorced


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

6301 said:


> When my first wife and I were married, we had another couple that we were really good friends with. The guys wife was cheating on her husband and my wife and I found out about it. I told him and didn't give a damn if his wife found out about it.
> 
> When his wife found out, she called me and read me the riot act and I listened to her and after she ran out of things to say, I told her that if she wanted to blame anyone, then look in the mirror.
> 
> My wife thought I should have said nothing and I said to her, would you want to know if I was cheating on you? That kind of stopped her in her tracks and she knew I did the right thing. Then she told me she knew about it maybe three months before. I was mad and told her that by not telling me, we were helping his wife and hurting him. Little did I know that my wife was having an affair with him and I didn't find out until after she and I divorced



Good for you. Unfortunately too many bad things could have been prevented if somebody stood up and said something.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

chicagobeat said:


> If my best friend had confided in me that he was having an affair, would I have told her? I'm not so sure I would, simply because no matter what the secret, If someone tells you something in confidence, it should stay in confidence.


You don't actually believe that. You're just trying to avoid the uncomfortable nature of being caught exposing her secret. But you really can't. It's very likely that, if you expose the wife's secret (even anonymously), you will be blamed by the wife. She's probably not blabbing all around town about her secret. She just told her best friend.

You are going to have to make a choice. Either your friend deserves to know that his wife cheated, or his cheating wife deserves to have you and your wife as her confidants. Pick one.

If you choose to honor the wife's secret, I would try to make sure that your friend never finds out that you knew his wife was cuckolding him. If I were your friend, I would drop you, and your wife, immediately as friends. You could be friends with the cheating wife after the divorce.

Good luck.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I think there is an issue of OP honoring his own marriage and wife. It is a complication which needs to be considered.

Obviously I am strongly in favor of revealing the A to the betrayed.

The issue is that OP has to get on the same page as his wife, or he has to determine that she will never be on the same page. I think a discussion is in order with the wife.

Their marriage is the #1 priority. They have to both agree that their friends are a much lower priority, and if it means losing their friends to keep their marriage, it is what happens. They have to problem solve this together. Brain storm, bounce ideas off of each other, and discuss options.

Perhaps the anonymous letter which gives them cover. This would allow the OP to be his friend's buddy and help him, while allowing OP's wife to retain her friendship. This would allow them to help the couple get through the crisis.

Perhaps OP just outright tells his friend everything as he knows it. OP's W has to be on board with this because OP cannot torpedo his own marriage by betraying his wife.

Perhaps OP decides his W has values inconsistent with his own and decides to go against her wishes at the risk of his own marriage.

OP's W also must honor her husband and marriage. She has to understand the horrible position he is in, just as he understands the horrible position she is in.


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## James C (Sep 6, 2013)

chicagobeat said:


> Thank you all for your replies.
> 
> First things first, there are no secrets of my own involved that I need to be concerned of as someone above suggested. My dilemma with all this is my loyalty to my wife. If my wife wasn't friends with his wife I wouldn't have hesitated to tell him.
> 
> ...


Precisely my point. There are other ways to get to the ends without unnecessary baggage in your marriage. 
The total disregard of that by some responses is alarming.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## easy_e (Sep 11, 2013)

There are levels of trust.
H & W should be #1 over all.
So friend tells you something in confidence like this....your wife tells you because you are friends with them as well and you are #1 on level of trust. Don't make excuses for your wife.

Tell your wife you're going to help your friend find out. She can say it's not your business and stay out.....but when someone tells you something, they made it your business. She will pull the "I trusted you not to say" bs...she needs to check herself on that.

Personally if it were me, I'd wingman investigate with my friend to confirm it. Go magnum PI with him.

This kinda stuff destroys people emotionally. Let your friend get on with it and on the road to healing instead of dragging this out for years.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Post her on cheaterville and write the post as a coworker or other person and send him the link using the annonymous email option at cheaterville.com.

Do you know who the other man is? That would be a big help convincing him of the situation and making it hard for her to lie out of it.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Chaparral said:


> Post her on cheaterville and write the post as a coworker or other person and send him the link using the annonymous email option at cheaterville.com.
> 
> Do you know who the other man is? That would be a big help convincing him of the situation and making it hard for her to lie out of it.


Ask your wife if she knows or suspects who it is.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

"The Only Thing Necessary for the Triumph of Evil is that Good Men Do Nothing"

It's hard to imagine you cannot lead your wife to see that you two have a moral obligation to disclose this, and for her to drop this friend.... Is your wife not detracting from your marrige by carrying the burden of her friends secret?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

WHEN he finds out about the affair, if he finds out you knew about it and didn't tell him, what do you suspect will happen to your friendship?


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## SOPHISTICATED81 (Sep 12, 2013)

dont tell
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

*Re: Re: Friends wife cheating..should I tell?*



Hicks said:


> "The Only Thing Necessary for the Triumph of Evil is that Good Men Do Nothing"
> 
> It's hard to imagine you cannot lead your wife to see that you two have a moral obligation to disclose this, and for her to drop this friend.... Is your wife not detracting from your marrige by carrying the burden of her friends secret?


This exactly. 

I am shocked that your wife would go to such lengths to try to save her friendship with this woman. What good is this woman going to do for your marriage and what does it say about your wife? Surely shes heard about being judged by the company you keep?

I know it is hard to face the break up of a close friendship. Believe me, I know. I went through the same thing in my past. My best friend, she was like a sister and we lived together after college, started cheating on her fiance just months before their wedding. I was one of her bridesmaids and had a big hand in helping her plan her wedding. 

When she told me her "secret" my immediate reaction was - you come clean to him in the next 24 hours or I will tell him for you. In no way was I going to support what she was doing or keep her secret for her even though I loved her like a sister. It was out of my own moral obligation. 

She didnt tell him. I did. He cried. Then she somehow convinced him that I was a liar and had some incentive to make up the story. He believed her and stayed with her. I walked away from my obligation as her bridesmaid and refused to take part in her wedding. Within 7 days of the moment she told me her secret she moved out of our shared apartment. Left with everything during an 8 hour period when I was at work without telling me. I just came home one day and she and all of her stuff was gone. We were not friends from that day forward and still do not speak to each other - its been 8 years. I hear that she and her now husband are still married. I have no idea if he ever learned the truth or if she has ever cheated on him again. I figure I did my part and let it go after he decided to stay with her. 

All that detail to say - I still very firmly believe that I did the right thing and it was incredibly painful to lose her as my friend. If faced with the same situation in the future, I would do the same again. 

I also think its ridiculous that you two would keep secrets from each other at all. I am very forthcoming to everyone close to me that everything you say to me, you can count on the fact that my husband is going to know it too. I don't believe in keeping secrets from my H. 

You should encourage your wife to do the right thing herself. Stand up to her friend and refuse to keep this type of secret.


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## James C (Sep 6, 2013)

thunderstruck said:


> The husband "suspects." He doesn't know. I'd hope that my BEST FRIEND would have the b*lls to tell me.


His wife is his best friend! 
I am not saying to do nothing. All I am saying that there are other dynamics involved and there are much better ways to get the friend to find out WITHOUT betraying his wife's confidence. 
The OP's marriage comes first.

All the OP has to do is get on the subject with his friend and give him the knowledge and tools to investigate. His friend should gather the evidence anyway, shouldn't he? He already is suspicious and is concerned. If everything was fine and there were no suspicions, then my approach would change. I would discuss with my wife the best approach for all involved because I could not allow this to happen to my buddy. But that is not the case. I would first try to lead him to the truth and evidence without involving my wife or betraying her confidence to minimize any problems.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

I usually opine on minding your own business, but you need to tell here. 
The WS confided in your wife knowing that she might tell you, her husband's best friend. By opening her mouth, she took a risk she must have been aware of. It's common sense that she would tell you, and it's common sense that you would tell your best friend. Very stupid of the WW to put this on your wife.
Beware though, she might deny and he might believe her; then you and your wife would be the crazy ones. I'd call them both over and confront the WW in the BS's and your wife's presence. So she can't twist and turn. If R will be chosen, you two can help them R; if not, it was meant to be over anyway, and it is not your fault.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

chicagobeat said:


> Hi,
> 
> I am in a sticky situation at the moment and am hoping someone can help.
> 
> ...


POS self centered b!tch put your wife and you and a terrible position. Or course she's the type who would do that since she's only thinking or herself right out.

It's a lose/lose situation for you. Your wife swore secrecy yet you are his best friend. Best option is your wife has to pressure her into telling her husband the truth.

I'd cut ties with her (or him if it were her husband). There are consequences for being selfish and pulling innocent people into her deception. Drop her like a rock.


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

I'll 1-up everyone, if your wife was given a confessional by the friend, thats one thing... but by hiding it from you for a few weeks, likely-

She may have been slightly either condoning or aiding.

Ps keep cheating wives 1000 miles from your own wife, no good will come of that spiraling downward influence for your own marriage.


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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

Talk to your wife. Let her know that you cannot and will not just sit back with this knowledge and do nothing. I get feeling that your wife feels the same. That's why she told you. Maybe it's the way I read the post, but I don't feel as if she knew when you asked her the first time and did come to you when she found out. Possibly she didn't believe her friend could do that either but when you asked her, she brought it up to her friend and that's when the confiding happened? Either way, get on the same page with your W first and foremost.
I would suggest your wife going to her friend and having the following (or similar) conversation. "You and your husband are both friends to me and you know that our husbands are best friends. To give me this information and expect me to do nothing with it was unfair and irresponsible. Your H needs and deserves the truth and because I value our friendship, I want to give you the opportunity to tell him before my husband and I do. You have x number of days. We are friends, and I want to give you the emotional support you need whatever the outcome but cannot and will not condone an affair against someone I also consider a friend."
Give her the weekend or less. Your buddy deserves to know the truth, especially if he is still being intimate with his wife as his health is also put at risk by an affair.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

My_2nd_Rodeo said:


> Ps keep cheating wives 1000 miles from your own wife, no good will come of that spiraling downward influence for your own marriage.


No doubt. I suspect his wife uncomfortable with secrets she had to keep from him and she should be. Friend was being self centered by asking her not to tell. That's not truly a friend at all.


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## chicagobeat (Sep 12, 2013)

James C said:


> His wife is his best friend!
> I am not saying to do nothing. All I am saying that there are other dynamics involved and there are much better ways to get the friend to find out WITHOUT betraying his wife's confidence.
> The OP's marriage comes first.
> 
> All the OP has to do is get on the subject with his friend and give him the knowledge and tools to investigate. His friend should gather the evidence anyway, shouldn't he? He already is suspicious and is concerned. If everything was fine and there were no suspicions, then my approach would change. I would discuss with my wife the best approach for all involved because I could not allow this to happen to my buddy. But that is not the case. I would first try to lead him to the truth and evidence without involving my wife or betraying her confidence to minimize any problems.


Once again thanks for all the replies.

James C I think you are the one here getting my situation the most. My wife is most certainly my best friend, and whilst I owe it to my friend to tell him, I owe my wife some understanding of the difficult situation she has been put in through none of her own doing. I am going to point my friend in the right direction over the next couple of days. If nothing comes of that then I will re-assess.

My wife does not want to be a part of this. She has been trying to get her friend to come clean, and she told me about this off her own back without any pressure from me. 

She and I are on the same page about this. She knows the husband has to find out about this one way or another, we are just trying to find out the best way for all involved

Thanks


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## James C (Sep 6, 2013)

You're in a tough spot Chi town. 

Double down and tell your friend outright and run the risk of STILL losing a buddy AND for sure losing stature with your wife for betraying her confidence. Albeit it is for a good cause but for sure she will NEVER tell you anything in confidence again. I certainly wouldn't tell someone something after they've told something against my wishes. She will view it as you picking your buddy over her and that will manifest into problems. 

There was a thoughtful and heartfelt post previously about a friend losing her roommate because she felt a moral obligation to tell. I applaud her because that was the right thing to do in her situation. In her situation;
1. They weren't married-which is huge
2. The fiancé had NO clue
3. She was in the wedding party basically an accessory to the crime. 

I sincerely applaud her and I'm sorry for not taking the time to scroll up to name her but I'm on a mobile but those are huge differences. 

I can't tell you how many times I've witnessed or been a part of someone telling a wife, husband, parent, something about their partner or kid only to have it blown up in their face. 

Where are all the people on this forum who say don't confront without proof? VAR, text, emails-don't do anything without proof, they say. Where are they? I would buy a VAR myself and tell my buddy, " hey I have this VAR I bought for work, school, etc and you should borrow it to see what's up". Ask if he checked phone records or emails. 
So, even IF he found out you knew, you could say " Dude, I didn't have solid proof and I led you too find out for sure but you weren't interested." That on top of betraying your wife and compromising YOUR marriage. My buds would understand completely. 

Anyway-good luck-I'll be hoping the best for you and your friend. 

JC
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

The thing is, there is no best way to do this.
That's what you don't see.

What your wife is looking for is a way to do the right thing and keep her freind from getting mad at her. That is impossible. 

Tremendous destruction cannot be avoided. You can't finesse your way out of this. All I can think about is each day this poor guy is tyring to work on his marriage... His wife is laughing in his face... And I feel sorry for him. And he's not even my friend... He's your friend...


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

chicagobeat said:


> Once again thanks for all the replies.
> 
> James C I think you are the one here getting my situation the most. My wife is most certainly my best friend, and whilst I owe it to my friend to tell him, I owe my wife some understanding of the difficult situation she has been put in through none of her own doing. I am going to point my friend in the right direction over the next couple of days. If nothing comes of that then I will re-assess.
> 
> ...


I feel for you Chicago, here's the question specifically in regards to the bold part.

If her friend refuses to come clean (let's face it, if her friend did, thats the ideal result but unlikely), what is your wife going to do about this so-called friend? Will she remain friends with her and continue to protect her?

I would have a hard time with my wife continuing to want to be "friends" with someone so completely selfish who intentionally put my wife in an impossible situation. 

Your wife's friend asked her to keep a secret from you (which in my opinion is a major issue) about how she's betraying you (your wife's husband's) best friend and also someone your wife probably cares about. And some how this is okay?

If your wife's "friend" doesn't come clean, it shows that she's only friends with your wife for convenience. A true friend wouldn't put their friend into such a catch 22 situation. Your wife has to choose to continue the betrayal against your best friend, or to betray YOU (if she hadn't told you). And yes, I see keeping secrets as a form of betrayal.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Your wife is not facing reality. Her "friend" dragged her into this. Your wife can't absolve herself now. She is involved. She is a part of the deceit. 

Your wife shared her burden with you as is right. She trusts you.

I bet though she might be upset at first, she will look back with great love and respect for you if you act as a moral leader. Handling this issue openly and with love for both of your friends with personal integrity is the only way to preserve your sense of self. Compromising your values because someone who has lost their moral compass wants you to is not going to work out.

From now forward your relationship with your friend is dishonest. You will always carry guilt. It will change the way you behave with him. You may find yourself compromising in other ways in the future.

I don't believe your wife will withhold things from you once she gains perspective. She will trust you to do the right thing. She will respect you. 

If she did not then it would cause me concern about her moral compass.

The WW is going to question whether your wife told no matter what. As soon as she is captured everything becomes suspect. If she wants to reconcile the question of "who knew" will come up and your wife will be outed and so will you.

Leading him will infuriate him when he finds out. You let him work and suffer longer when you could have saved him the energy he could have devoted to fixing his marriage or facing his exit. 

I know this is a horrible place to find yourselves in. I am just afraid that you will find that trying to protect everyone will do more damage in the end.

The lesson the WW, cake-eater is going to teach you is that you can't have it all. Choices have consequences. And nobody is interested in excuses and justifications if they aren't in line with right and being a good person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Two things stick out. 

Why would your wife think it was okay to not tell you immediately. Why would your wife want to be friends with someone who is actively in an Affair? We call them toxic friends and you don't want your wife around that. 

Your wife isn't in high school anymore and things like infidelity is a serious life altering experience. Why would your wife even think of helping her keep her secret.

You have to tell the OM. After you tell him make him login to TAM where he can get some help and guidance. You are about to see how ugly things can get. OH and be sure to excommunicate that cheating woman out of your families life. When the cheater's go down sometimes they'll try and bring other people down with her. 
He is going to be a mess, the WS is going to be exposed and her true nature is going to rear its head. It's about to go down.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Dad&Hubby said:


> Your wife's friend asked her to keep a secret from you (which in my opinion is a major issue) about how she's betraying you (your wife's husband's) best friend and also someone your wife probably cares about. And some how this is okay?


It a disappointment in the OP's wife too though. If anyone tells me that they are going to share something and that I'm not supposed to tell my wife, I am going to tell them I will not agree to it. Shame that she didn't say the same thing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

chicagobeat,

I agree with the idea of pointing your friend in the right direction.

How much actual facts and proof does your wife have about the affair? Does she know who the OM is?

Without something solid as proof, all his wife has to do is to deny and say that your wife has turned on her.

One thing you could do to get things rolling is if the OM is married, tell his wife. you can do this anonymously. Give her any proof you might have. Chances are that the affair will blow up and the OM's W will call your friend to inform him.

Couple that with pointing your friend in the right direction, advising him how to investigate, etc, could work very well.

Often the messenger is shot, so it might be the best way for you to not lose him as a friend as well.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Because of my own history I always advocate telling or informing anonymously or at the very least persuading them to come clean. 

At least it gives them a chance to fix things one way or another.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

CB,

When he finds out please send him here and have him post a thread in the Coping With Infidelity section.

He will need the support and he will thank you for it.

Take care!


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Well, I am going to go out on a limb and say that under no circumstances should you tell your friend.

He may actually know she is having an affair or he may not. Nobody else can know what is going on in someone else's marriage, regardless of what they choose to say to their friends.

If somebody told me my husband was having an affair I would drop them immediately, regardless of whether I knew about the affair or not.

It was pretty unreasonable of the wife to tell your wife about it, and I somehow doubt that she really thought your wife would keep it a secret from you. Maybe she doesn't have the guts to tell her husband and wants you to be the messenger. Do you really want to do her bidding and risk the friendship?

Pointing him subtly in the right direction would be as far as I would say you should go.


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## tdwal (Jul 28, 2012)

chicagobeat said:


> Once again thanks for all the replies.
> 
> James C I think you are the one here getting my situation the most. My wife is most certainly my best friend, and whilst I owe it to my friend to tell him, I owe my wife some understanding of the difficult situation she has been put in through none of her own doing. I am going to point my friend in the right direction over the next couple of days. If nothing comes of that then I will re-assess.
> 
> ...


You know there is no way to cleanly get out of this so tell him. When your friend finds out you knew and didn't tell him, friendship over, when his wife finds out your wife told you, friendship over. It's already a foregone conclusion. Another thing, you should tell all your friends that if they tell you something in confidence, your wife will know about it, and if that ain't cool, don't tell you. That's a boundary.

It goes with family too, my adult children want to tell me things that they don't want me to tell their mother, I tell them then don't tell me.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Simple tell the man now. Here is how this is going to go down. She will keep promising to end her affair. She will keep promising to tell her H. But cheaters won't do it. Especially ones that are still in an A. They will make promises, excuses, and in the end it will continue until Discovery Day. And he will find out that you guys knew. He will ask you why you didn't tell him. Then you're going to have to look him in the face and tell him it was because you didn't want to get involved. Then he's gonna tell you how pitiful that excuse is and you are going to regret holding out. The truth will set you free and I am sure you would not be on this site unless you thought it was real. What you should tell him is exactly what you have been told. That way you don't have anything to hide and he knows where to start looking. He may know about the affair he may not. regardless it isn't your place to decide who should know what in their marriage.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

True Friends don't let friends get cheated on and kept in the dark.


Right now you are not being he friend. You are helping his wife cheated and deceive him.

The solution here isn't to get the cheater to tell the truth - she has already decided against treating him love and loyalty.

Don't do to him what she is doing. You need to be loyal friend and to expose the affair and the AP to him ASAP.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

larry.gray said:


> It a disappointment in the OP's wife too though. If anyone tells me that they are going to share something and that I'm not supposed to tell my wife, I am going to tell them I will not agree to it. Shame that she didn't say the same thing.


I COMPLETELY agree.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

larry.gray said:


> It a disappointment in the OP's wife too though. If anyone tells me that they are going to share something and that I'm not supposed to tell my wife, I am going to tell them I will not agree to it. Shame that she didn't say the same thing.


I agree on big things, but I can totally see how there would be some innocuous things shared amongst friends. 

"I know your husband loves his car and thinks he's some kind of car guru, but every time he waxes it he leaves streaks all over it."


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Hicks said:


> The thing is, there is no best way to do this.
> That's what you don't see.
> 
> What your wife is looking for is a way to do the right thing and keep her freind from getting mad at her. That is impossible.
> ...


:iagree: THIS ^^^

If you were my friend and I knew you took this long to tell me, all while I'm struggling with my marriage falling apart, and while I'm being exposed to STD's as my wife continues her affair, .... all because your wife didn't want to upset her friendship with my cheating wife, I wouldn't consider you a very good friend any more.

Honestly, I have kinda been where your friend is, and I don't talk to any of those people any more. Some friends they were.

Some friend you are. And your wife...doesn't she care for your male friend at all? Or does she only sympathize with the cheating wife?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Has your wife threatened to end the friendship if her friend doesn't tell her husband? That's what Hibiscus had to do to get her BFF to own up to her affair.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> True Friends don't let friends get cheated on and kept in the dark.
> 
> 
> Right now you are not being he friend. You are helping his wife cheated and deceive him.
> ...


The truth. OP you must tell your BF now. Your wife was asked to make a pledge to something that is wrong. You and your wife can not be expected to honor such a promise.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I have had two very best friends in my life. One passed away a few years ago and the other is still doing good thank God, but there isn't any doubt in my life and we talked about this, and that is if they ever found out that my wife was cheating, they would have no problem telling me and if I found out that their wives were cheating, I would let both of my best friends know. Rather from me than anyone else because I know that if they told me, it would be the truth and they would get the same from me. Why? That's what good friends do. I would not let either one of them be hung out to dry and they would do the same for me.

Right now your problem is that the longer you drag this out the harder it's going to be. I know it's a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation but you friend needs to know and let him know that you'll be there for him come hell or high water. I would not want to see my good friends be tortured by a unfaithful spouse.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

This is a hard situation for you and your wife. No one is perfect. It is so easy to say yeah tell her/him when it is not you sticking your neck out there. Sometimes you can a tell person the truth and it gets thrown back in their faces I have known people who wanted to know the truth and once they were told guess what? They were upset at those individuals for telling them. 

Life is not black and white like that. Which is why this is hard, your friend does need to know but I think you need in help with the HOW to tell him I think your wrestling with telling him in person or writing a letter. 

Now if you write the letter than there is a possibility of your friends confiding with the both of you. Your marriage matters as well and it is important that no matter what you two decide you support each other because either way it would be hard. I feel bad for your wife being put in a messed up situation of course it's not easy for her she is friends with this woman and also friends with your best friend which is why I think she told you what her friend confided in her with. Your wife did the right thing she tried to convince her friend to not only end the affair but also come clean to her husband. (Which is something a good friend would do.) 

I think your wife tried her best to steer her friend in the right direction and she hoped she would tell her husband and probably even gave her time to see if she was going to do it, when all that failed she came to you because she realized two
things, she realized that she couldn't keep this secret anymore and her friend was not going to come clean. She is human and to be honest I wouldn't be upset with her she did the best she could with a messed up situation. 

Now since the friend is not going fess up the ball is back in your court, don't do anything with cheaterville or the internet exposing especially since you two are the third party and there can be some legal ramifications behind it. Here is the thing the rough part is that if you decide to tell him face to face expect him to be upset, shocked, and possibly in denial. Expect his wife to deny things, become highly upset and entitled (which she is already anyway) and most of all you and your wife have to talk about the fact that the dynamics of your relationships will change.

You two have a choice. Either expose face to face or in a letter. I sympathize for you and your wife because of the situation your friends wife has put you guys through. And another thing I like to add no matter how the exposure happens some people regret their choices others don't I would say this if after the dust has settled and if she seems like she is remorseful and sorry then that might be another story. 

Depending on how she reacts to her choices would be telling as well. All I'm saying is that people make mistakes but they can also make it right, and it also doesn't mean that you have to have stop being friends with someone because they made a mistake,but it also means that we all have choices and with every choice there can be a reward or a consequence. 

I have friends that have made huge mistakes so have I but them including myself have come back from them. But I must say that if I felt my friends were not sorry or remorseful or at least learned not to do that again than I would/have distance myself. 

Good Luck to the both of you,

K


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