# Should I leave my wife? Help please!



## TexasMike (Apr 12, 2010)

I'm in my late 30s and have been married for almost 2 years. My wife is from a traditional Asian background and is quite conservative. She wants me to be the breadwinner and stay home and look after children - who we don't have yet.

I am kind of a low achiever with a history of depression. I found my wife a few years ago when I was in a brief successful period and fooled myself and her into thinking I was getting my life together. Anyway since then I have lost some money in a failed business venture and right now have a fairly stable but low-paying job. With my income alone we are pretty much on the bottom rung of the middle class. Right now she is working too so we are doing OK but she wants to stop work and have a baby very soon.

I feel a lot of pressure about money and sometimes feel I have nothing to look forward to. My wife is very moody, we fight quite often and our sex life is very poor.

I find myself fantasising about leaving her, and just living a very simple life but being free. My job would provide an OK lifestyle with low stress if I was single. I dream about my own apartment, spending time by myself and able to buy the kinds of luxuries and "toys" I can't afford anymore.

Maybe it would be better if I admitted I am a failure, just look after myself instead of going through all the pressure of marriage every day. I just don't have the energy. Yes, I am more or less in depression, but I have been all my life. Better to find my small niche and not chase the big dreams anymore, right?

But I can't bear to devastate my wife. She just wants the average suburban life and me to bring home the bacon. She hasn't done anything wrong and if I divorce her, aren't I responsible for the fact that at her age now she probably will never have kids? She does complain and nag all the time though...

Anyway, I'm not sure if any of this makes sense. Tomorrow I have made an appointment to look at an apartment. I don't know if I am serious about following through.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I think today the average suburban life has 2 working parents vs. the man bringing in the only income. If she is complaining and nagging a lot, I can see why you fantasize about being alone, but when you first fell in love, was it different? Did you feel as if you wanted to spend your life with her?

I'm thinking you might just need to get back on the same page and compromise so that it isn't all or none for either of you.


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## skitown (Feb 9, 2010)

I think we all feel like this at some point in our relationships - so you are not alone. Take a few steps back and reflect on your relationship with your wife. What brought you together? Why did you choose to marry her? What were the good times like vs. the bad times? Do you still have love for her (even if it is a little piece)? While the present may seem overwhelming - you need to look at the larger picture of your relationship. 

The pressure you feel are just a normal part of marriage - for you it is money, a baby and perhaps more responsibility. Having a child is the most beautiful thing but can also be very challenging to the relationship. Before you go down that path - you need to be sure you are 110% commited to her and the baby. 

You voice your unhappiness - how does your wife feel? Why is she interested in having a child with you - I am guessing her impression of your relationship is not as negative as yours. Have you asked her point blank if she is happy -and committed to whatever comes along in the marriage? 

Regarding her desire to have a child - if she is in her mid to upper 30's, I understand the timing concern. If she wants it all, though - you need to have a talk with her about her desires and expectations and reality. As far as I know, the majority of Suburban moms also work. It is just a fact of life in today's world. You may be able to cut day care expenses if you have a relative that can care for the child or can work opposite shifts. 

Don't look at yourself as a failure. Negativity does not get anyone anywhere. As far as the being single, my own apartment thing - when you are in your mid-40's, still single with no one in your life (because you do not want the commitment or responsibility) - will you be any happier? 

And do not feel guilty about her age - while she is a conservative - the good thing in today's world - is that a single woman can have a child on her own and society does not think any less of her.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Hi Texas Mike!!
first of all all successes are built on failure and if you're not making mistakes...you're not doing anything. Really. thats the truth and it goes both for work and for your relationship.

Buddy? Dont go look at that apartment and stop fantasizing, UNTIL you have had that candid conversation with the wife... I mean telling her you feel pressured, telling her you are concerned about your marital future (sure scaring the hell out of her) but better than keeping all to yourself then dropping the bomb.. Dont do that. You have no idea what the reaction will be. How do you know she wont go PHEW!!!! I deep down inside am ok with this and we'll work together harder to get to a better place. But dont be fooled.... you're at an ok place RIGHT now. Money is not everything and neither are toys. If you think your wife really cares about you... you're just being shallow and self centered to drop her for toys and financial betterment.

We all grapple with stuff like this. You're not alone in that ... you know this. But give it a chance huh? Be honest and stop dreaming all this stuff and leaving her out. She may be very willing to work with you... and if whe isnt, THEN you may have to deal with decision.

Its never going to be perfect.
Lastly, you should find a way to get discount or health insurance if you have some and get some support for the depression issues. You know yourself you could be making choices form a mindset that isnt your natural or fully capable one.
You didnt trick yourself into thinking your ok... you are ok.

vino


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## TexasMike (Apr 12, 2010)

Thanks for the replies guys. Seriously, thanks for taking the time out to help. I cancelled the appointment with the realtor and am taking it day by day trying to cope with my current situation. My wife is not the problem, I have to address my mental/emotional state right now.


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## kanon (Apr 12, 2010)

I think the greatest unhappiness in life often result from making wrong assumptions about what makes you happy and especially if you make decisions that are hardly reversible based on false assumptions. 

Aside from the great advice of communicating with your wife and introspection on your relationship above, you need to really investigate and find out for real what will make you happier. A single, low expectation life or a typical suburban but more pressured life, or perhaps something else.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

> you need to really investigate and find out for real what will make you happier. A single, low expectation life or a typical suburban but more pressured life, or perhaps something else.


Great advice. You need to know what YOU want, and discuss that with your wife. If you have some common ground, great; if you don't, there's work to do one way or another. BUT you need to know your own dreams, etc., first.

I honestly do not think you need to feel bad about having low expectations, IF that's the way it turns out. Some people find the stress of life so great that they cannot move beyond the basics--even with lots of professional help. I have a sibling like that. His life would make most of us too miserable to stand it, so we'd do something about it. Not him; he's pretty happy. He'd like a partner, I think, but he's not willing to take the risks to procure that--and that's his choice. He makes due with friends and family just fine. 

Before you "choose" one thing or another, get help and make sure you are the best "you" that can be. Sometimes that takes meds, but makes a huge difference. Good luck.


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