# Unwanted Change



## shocking (May 18, 2015)

Last September my wife of 16 years told me that she was "ready to move on" and "strong enough to do it alone". I was stunned. Didn't see it coming in a million years. In my opinion our marriage was happy and fulfilling. There was never infidelity or physical abuse. We did have our fair share of arguments over the years, but always reconciled afterwards. She feels that I don't respect her opinion or listen good enough. I'll admit that I could work on my listening skills (most men fall into this category) but I always had a respect for her opinion and ideas. I feel she has strong tendencies to confuse a difference of opinion with a lack of respect for an opinion. Let me share with you a sequence of events that led up to our marriage falling apart:

1. Her Grandfather, whom she loved dearly, passed away in Feb 2014. She struggled with his death. 
2. Our dog of 10 years had to be put down in March 2014. (She loved that dog). 
3. She had knee surgery in April 2014. This was very hard on her as she wasn't able to keep up with all that life demands from a working mother and wife. In addition, she couldn't exercise for months which was depressing to her. 
4. For the most of 2014 our teenage boy was giving us problems and I could have handled it better. 
5. She started school in Sept 2015 to finish her college degree.(I'll admit that I strongly encouraged her to do this for two reasons: a) set an example for our children and b) have a backup plan in the event of my death.

In Sept 2014 she told me that she no longer had feelings for me. In Feb 2015, I moved out of the house. 

I'm still in shock. I am a good husband and father (not perfect, of course), but I certainly don't deserve this. 

I have spent the last 8 months doing everything possible to improve the areas about me that bother her. This has gotten me nowhere. 

My therapist thinks that all of the "unwanted change" that my wife experienced inf the past 18 months caused her to have a breakdown. When I told her this, she disagreed and said that all of the change brought out her true feelings about me. 

I'm beside my self at this point. She wants a divorce and I can't change her mind. 

Two years ago she told my 12 year old daughter that "mom and dad will never get a divorce and to not worry". 

My oh my how things can change so fast. 

Does anybody have some advice? I really want to save my marriage, but it's not looking to good at this point. Thanks.


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## legaleagle (Dec 29, 2014)

Sorry to hear what you are going through. It has to be hard to be going through this.

Have either of you filed for divorce yet? 

Why did you move out? 

Is the house co-owned by both you and your wife?

Where are you living?

Is it possible to move back in? (Many on here say that separations are nothing more than a prelude to divorce)

Moving out could possibly hurt your visitation rights with your children.

Do you think it would be possible that she met someone at college?

Read this article:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/joseph-e-cordell/moving-out-after-divorce_b_5510895.html


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

First of all, she has built up a wall and you cannot reach her. The more you try, the more the wall is built up.

Second, you have to admit that you're selfish as well. You love her but do not want to lose her or let her go. Understandable, love is an addiction that is hard to give up, and it is not simple to let go.

Unfortunately, you have to let her go and learn for herself. Second, I would not help her move on. You're no longer her husband, she fired you, and now it is just legality. That is something you should recognize.

You need to accept the fact that that those experience has changed her and she is no longer the person you know. You should try detachment. You have owned your own problems, and you are working on yourself. Try cutting the support you offer, and the only thing you should be conversing about her with is the children.

Let her face reality without you, and if she fails, she may come back. Then the question will be, would you want her back then, since the only reason why she returned is because she did not like her new life free from you? She had a chance of working things out, but she chose to leave you instead. Your love for her is also narrowing your focus, and you have not fully dealt with the anger and pain of her abandoning you. Your love for her needs its fix, and given enough time, the other emotions will come crashing in at some point.

Hence, the need for detachment. Let the focus of those hormones fade a bit to help you logically process everything more clearly. She did not take ownership in the marital breakdown as well, and it is easy for her to deflect her anger on you because she needs a source of anger to help fuel her decisions. Don't allow yourself to be her punching bag.

Start working out, preferably in the mornings. Eat healthy, spend time with friends and family, and learn to be happy without her. Chasing her will only cause her to run faster. Take her off the pedestal a bit. As a person, she has issues that make her not relationship material and that is something you cannot fix, nor should you.

Start reevaluating your life, find what you have in your life that now brings you fulfillment. Learn to be grateful of the other things that you still have. And you need to consider the possibility that she may have found someone else as well. That could also explain her change.

In order for her to be with someone else, she will need to find justification for her actions. Everything she went through would have put her through a depression most likely, and if she found another person, she would have gone through the infatuation stage where everything feels magical again. In order to get her fix, she needs you out of the way, and look at your own need to get a fix of her as well. She may think it is you and the circumstances around her that is not bringing her happiness, but if she is cheating, that happiness is like getting a hit of cocaine. It is masking all her problems.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Your wife is cheating on you. She's found options in college.

Willing to bet on that (as insensitive as that my sound).

Divorce her and live life the way you want and deserve. She ain't your future. Someone better probably is.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I agree that there is probably someone else in the picture.

You put yourself in a lose-lose situation when you tried to check off all of the boxes on her list of complaints about you. Once a spouse resorts to checking off boxes to win back their spouse, the battle is already lost. 

I say this because this is what I did...completely oblivious to the fact that her reasons were just trumped up charges against me...used mostly to throw me off of the scent of her cheating.

I suggest you follow the 180: https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* This just sounds way too "convenient" for her to try to suddenly rid herself of you after such a long period of time together, more especially with no noted call for intervention by her for a good MC to come to the rescue in possibly helping to save this union.

This lame excuse, or "wall-building" on her part seems all too familiar to me as it is virtually the same modus operandi that my rich, skanky XW employed with me to force me out of the house! Yeah, it sounded like she was having a personal meltdown and for the longest I simply believed it!

But after due examination of her cell phone records and social media(FB), I sadly found out that there was more men in her life, sexual and otherwise!

Time to examine her cell phone records and social media sites. Common sense clearly dictates that she is simply not doing this for her health ~ there is more likely "a cause-effect" event that has recently occurred!

All that I am saying is that it is time for you to come out of your delusion to play Sherlock Holmes with her and to finally ferret out what "the real truth" actually is!*


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

She is either

1) enjoying her new found independence and wants to continue that without you

2) she is cheating

3) she's in perimenopause (it does strange things to a woman's way of thinking, what age is she?)


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## tonygunner007 (Apr 24, 2015)

Everything points to infidelity. Take a closer look at things...


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

tonygunner007 said:


> Everything points to infidelity. Take a closer look at things...


Agreed.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

1) GET BACK IN YOUR HOUSE !! 

2) Hire a PI if you can afford one.

3) Ready yourself for the fact that she may be cheating.


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## shocking (May 18, 2015)

Thanks for your thoughts! Very helpful. 
I failed to mention in my original post that she is a very sensitive person. Sensitive to violence and sex, especially in movies. We never had any problems in the bedroom until the last year of our marriage, after her grandfather's death. Seems like she changed the bedroom rules overnight. As a teenager she was sexually violated by a family member and boyfriend. Furthermore, in the last 10 years her father and other immediate family members have been caught in extramarital affairs. In my opinion, these events (some recent, some not so recent) have taken a toll on her psychological well being. I know it sounds like I'm blaming my marital problems on the actions of others (not really, I take the blame), but at this point, I feel like I have to evaluate and question everything. 

MY QUESTION IS: How probable is it that a history of sexual abuse and loose morals (as described above) can be a contributing factor in the breakdown of a marriage?


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

shocking said:


> MY QUESTION IS: How probable is it that a history of sexual abuse and loose morals (as described above) can be a contributing factor in the breakdown of a marriage?


You mentioned in your first post that your therapist thought she might have suffered a breakdown after all of the current events. I suppose if you coupled those events with her past trauma, sure, that might trigger a desire for someone to withdraw/isolate or act out.

In any case, her blaming you sorts sounds like a cop out...a choice to not be truly upfront about her own personal motives...but it may be something she may not be able to look at.

At the same time, you don't want to be married to someone who may have chosen you because you were the safer option. This was my case. My wife had past sexual trauma, married a nice guy that didn't challenge her issues...yet those issues surfaced and she started acting out sexually because her demons came home to roost...and all of a sudden, she felt justified to treat me poorly and blame me for her desire to have sex with other men.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> In my opinion, these events (some recent, some not so recent) have taken a toll on her psychological well being.


nonsense. People's moral fiber doesn't change because of such events. They get depressed, anxious, angry and irrational but they always revert back to their own self shortly. PTSD does not cause people to completely lose their perspective on life. It only makes them more vulnerable and reactionary than others. The frequency of 'crazy' moments for them is higher than people who are considered normal and they're more prone to depression. That's all.



> MY QUESTION IS: How probable is it that a history of sexual abuse and loose morals (as described above) can be a contributing factor in the breakdown of a marriage?


Very probable. In fact, they almost guarantee a breakdown in a marriage. 

Most people who suffer sexual abuse, sudden death of loved ones and other traumatic events often fail to deal with them. They almost always end up hurting their loved ones because of their own internal conflicts. They are highly prone to personality disorders and develop strong survival instincts that prevent them from feeling true empathy for others. They're truly sh1tty lovers for the most part.


My original theory stands: Your wife is cheating on you. You should divorce her.


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## Morcoll (Apr 22, 2015)

yes


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