# How do I address my concern to my boyfriend?



## Jackie1607 (Jan 22, 2013)

I have been with my boyfriend for more than a year. I am 47 and never married. He is 46 and never married either. We tell each other that we finally found the right person. I believe we love each other very much. 

My concern is that we don't have sex frequently enough. For the first few months we were fine, but for the last several months, we do four times a month at most. Sometimes twice. In fact, last month we did only twice!

I have never refused, but he simply doesn't take initiatives, which worrries me. Also, I have very small boobs, and he never touches or kisses my boobs while having sex. So I started thinking that he may not be so sexually interested in me. 

Every time I ask him the question, he says he is sexually interested in me. But his action never proves it. 

I know he had a girlfriend who had a boob job. I wonder if I get bigger boobs, his sexual interest will increase. I know this may sound silly, but I have been losing self esteem.

I have talked about this to him twice, but he has never admitted he was uninterested in my body. But then how come he is OK with twice a month? I don't think he has low sexual drive because he was fine for the first few months. What should I do to attract him sexually? How do I address my concern to him? But I don't want him to perform "duty sex," which will make me feel more miserable. Any advice?


----------



## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I also have small breasts..my H says he enjoys them much more than he would big ones. I would not suggest getting a boob job, because they are expensive, ugly looking, and you would be risking infection. And just think about when you hit 70...do you really want those things in the rest of your life?

But getting more to the point...if you feel insecure about your breasts, try to focus him on what you feel are your better attributes...what do you like about your own body? I would showcase those attributes, and maybe even just buy a quality push up bra to accentuate what you do have. That's what I do.

As far as the lack of intimacy, I would suggest walking around the house with sexier clothing on, not PJ's. Look like you are going out every time he comes home. Sometimes dress up nice and go out, say you are going shopping or something. And let him think about how good you look. Leave him hanging for an hour and go get some you time. 

Sometimes our H's need to see that we are still something they need to chase. They like that. It boosts their drive.


----------



## sniperghostXD (Apr 2, 2013)

Action speaks louder than words. If he really loves you or if he is 
truly sexually interested in you, he won't mind your "very small 
boobs". Im quite petite myself but my hubby doesn't mind at all. 
 Twice a month, frankly speaking that's terrible. Are you living 
together?

I agree with somethingelse, look your best. Tease him by wearing 
sexy clothings.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

hes just a boyfriend! your not compatable sexually kick his a$$ to the curb and find someone who desires you as much as you desire them.

or be sorry you didn't and live with the knowledge that you will always desire him more than him desiring you.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

he is hitting his 50's soon, perhaps his testosterone is lower, it would behoove him to check with his Dr


----------



## being the best me (Apr 25, 2011)

Did you try talking to him directly about it? 

To have a good relationship you both need to sit down talk about your likes, wants and desires. This is the starting phase of the relationship and you need to figure out if this person is the correct fit for you and if not maybe you should move on.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

This isn't about your breast size. This is about having mismatched sexual drives. 

Talk to him about it. If nothing changes, you can either stay in the relationship as-is or move on.


----------



## Jackie1607 (Jan 22, 2013)

Thank you all for your quick messages. I think I should dump my pajamas and sweat pants. When I'm at his house, I am too casual and not sexy at all in terms of what I put on. I am small but have a body of an athlete: I am far from feminine. At least for what I wear, I should pick sexy ones. 

I have talked about our sexlessness with him, but he says he thinks that I appear to be refusing when he wants. But I cannot believe that because I never refuse. I think I should take more initiatives and see what happens.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Jackie1607 said:


> Thank you all for your quick messages. I think I should dump my pajamas and sweat pants. When I'm at his house, I am too casual and not sexy at all in terms of what I put on. I am small but have a body of an athlete: I am far from feminine. At least for what I wear, I should pick sexy ones.
> 
> I have talked about our sexlessness with him, but he says he thinks that I appear to be refusing when he wants. But I cannot believe that because I never refuse. I think I should take more initiatives and see what happens.


Good idea. Small boobs, big boobs ... all are great. Do not have surgery in the hopes this is the issue. Just be the sexiest you you can be and realize that he is getting older.

Try getting him interested in sensual massages. Take showers together. Nude is great. Just a night shirt with a bit of cheek showing is nice. If he ignores that he is dead. Sheer is nice too.

He may have low T levels. Encourage him to go to the GYM.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

You said your sex life was great the first few months. So he liked your boobs - this isn't about your breast size.

My guess is he's 47 and doesn't have the drive he used to have when he was younger. So help him out with that. It wouldn't hurt to dress sexy and kiss him and touch him and flirt with him. Let him know you want him. 

And dressing sexy doesn't have to be uncomfortable. Unbutton that pajama top a little more and suddenly, flannel is hot. I have some fleece v-necks from Old Navy that I wear all winter when lounging around, and SO loves them because they're just a little too big so the v-neck is a little low to wear anywhere but at home where I might, at any moment, lean over to pet the cat...and if I'm wearing yoga pants, he notices if I bend over to...

Show off for him. He's your boyfriend. Have fun. If he can't or won't join in, then you might want to reconsider what this relationship can really be for you.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

norajane said:


> *You said your sex life was great the first few months. So he liked your boobs - this isn't about your breast size.*
> 
> My guess is he's 47 and doesn't have the drive he used to have when he was younger. So help him out with that. It wouldn't hurt to dress sexy and kiss him and touch him and flirt with him. Let him know you want him.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

His drive could be slowing down at 47 but not by much unless his health is a concern. There are solutions to that. I'm in a sexless marriage at 45 and sometimes I WISH my sex drive slowed down enough that I didn't care. If he had a normal drive that slowed down, maybe we're talking about decreasing from 3-4 times a week to 2-3 times a week ... not 2 times a month. You can try to do things to spice things up but how long will that be effective? A checkup is in order to start with.


----------



## plasmasunn (Apr 3, 2013)

Ahh, the ebb and flow of sex in a committed relationship. It can be an absolute beast to deal with. I'm only 29, but after several years of marriage, here are a few things I've learned...

It is quite nearly IMPOSSIBLE for a woman to believe that lacking sex is not her fault. But, I and many of my friends have had issues with our men not performing, or seemingly being uninterested in sex, and 100% of what I've experienced has NOTHING to do with attraction level. 

Once you're in a committed relationship, I don't care if it's only been a year or if it's been 15, there will eventually come a sex-life doldrum. When you get comfortable with someone and that brand-new love excitement begins to wane (I'm not saying love fades, but as you grow used to one another, you grow relaxed and at ease...it's a good thing!) with it, that overriding initial need to constantly sexually impress and perform also fades. (Again, I'm not saying "you're doomed to dull sex if you're in a serious relationship" ... the dynamic just evolves to a different level.)

Talking about sexual misgivings/desires/disatisfaction really isn't very fun. A guy doesn't want to feel like he isn't pleasing you, just like us ladies don't want to feel like we can't satisfy our men. But, you'll probably have to have that dreaded sex talk. And I don't mean the "What's wrong with me???" questions. I mean, an open, honest discussion about both of your sexual needs and wants. Maybe he honestly, sincerely believes twice a month is OK and is enough for him. If it's not for you, then you have to share that with him. Worst case scenario, you are not sexually compatible and as others have mentioned, you can break it off and move on. 

However, best case scenario, that conversation could be an eye-opener for the both of you and lead to some of the greatest sexual exploits of your lives! I agree with other posts that you can sex it up a little bit with clothes and actions ( who doesn't like feeling sexy???) but in my opinion, it's less about "how to regain his interest" and more about "how can WE work together to enjoy a better sex life." In response to your subject question, "How do I address my concern to my boyfriend:" You just have to bring it up at a convenient time when you will be alone and uninterupted, can be calm, NOT ACCUSATORY, honest, open and receptive to each other. It can be an uncomfortable topic, but sometimes just opening up can lead to amazing things!

There ya go...that's worth exactly 2 cents!  
I wish you both the best of luck!


----------



## Jackie1607 (Jan 22, 2013)

Thank you again for additional comments. This weekend I wore sexy lingerie two nights in a row and had sex with my boyfriend both nights (yay!). But I wanted to let him know the reason I was not wearing pajamas anymore, so I explained it to him. He said pajamas had nothing to do with my being sexy or not. He kept saying I was always sexy regardless. I should have gone further saying, "so why we do not have sex often enough?" But I couldn't because I knew I would be accusing him if I had. We were in a good mood and I didn't want to ruin it. 

As everyone mentioned above, he might have lower sexual drive because of age. Also, it could be his personality; he always says to me he was not sure if I was in the mood for sex whenever I asked him why we didn't have sex last weekend. This reminded me that for the first several dates, he never tried to kiss me or hold my hands or anything. After we made love for the first time, I told him that because he didn't do anything to me, I thought I wasn't sexually attractive. Then he said to me that he had not been sure if I was interested.

We rarely have an argument; basically we are a happy couple. But of course, we had a few big arguments. Through them, I'm sure he learned how sensitive I am. So did I. As everyone suggested above, I need to talk to him about what I feel about our sex, but not in an accusatory way. If he always thinks "I may not be in the mood," which makes him hesitent to have sex with me, I have to make it clear that I am in the mood by taking initiatives.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

So, you're both mid 40's and never been married? Hmm....


----------



## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

Jackie1607 said:


> Thank you again for additional comments. This weekend I wore sexy lingerie two nights in a row and had sex with my boyfriend both nights (yay!). But I wanted to let him know the reason I was not wearing pajamas anymore, so I explained it to him. He said pajamas had nothing to do with my being sexy or not. He kept saying I was always sexy regardless. I should have gone further saying, "so why we do not have sex often enough?" But I couldn't because I knew I would be accusing him if I had. We were in a good mood and I didn't want to ruin it.
> 
> As everyone mentioned above, he might have lower sexual drive because of age. Also, it could be his personality; he always says to me he was not sure if I was in the mood for sex whenever I asked him why we didn't have sex last weekend. This reminded me that for the first several dates, he never tried to kiss me or hold my hands or anything. After we made love for the first time, I told him that because he didn't do anything to me, I thought I wasn't sexually attractive. Then he said to me that he had not been sure if I was interested.
> 
> We rarely have an argument; basically we are a happy couple. But of course, we had a few big arguments. Through them, I'm sure he learned how sensitive I am. So did I. As everyone suggested above, I need to talk to him about what I feel about our sex, but not in an accusatory way. If he always thinks "I may not be in the mood," which makes him hesitent to have sex with me, I have to make it clear that I am in the mood by taking initiatives.


He sounds very unaggressive, even timid?


----------



## MissMe (Feb 26, 2013)

I would be concerned that your first few dates held no sexual undertones. Big red flag to me.


----------



## FrustratedHub (Oct 28, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> So, you're both mid 40's and never been married? Hmm....


I was going to post this same exact question after reading the OP's initial post, and as I read down through the comments, I see you beat me to it.

Nothing wrong with not being married in your 40's, certainly better than a trail full of divorces. That said, it did come across as odd to me as it is a little unusual (in my humble opinion of course).

What does that have to do with your post and question, maybe nothing at all, but I am curious what events have led you into your mid 40's without ever getting married.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

He's no spring chicken anymore.

Get him a check up, have his T levels done.


----------



## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

> I wore sexy lingerie two nights in a row and had sex with my boyfriend both nights (yay!). *But I wanted to let him know the reason I was not wearing pajamas anymore, so I explained it to him.*


Don't do that. Don't explain good sex you just had. Just roll with it. Both of you sound kind of timid. But maybe that's a good thing. I wouldn't be swinging from the chandilier with him anyway unless he put a ring on it. That's just me.


----------



## Jackie1607 (Jan 22, 2013)

I understand it sounds quite strange that both of us have never married being in our 40s. About him I don't think there is any strangeness that made him not married: he's got a greatest body every man would admire (that's why I feel terribly inferior and insecure about my athlete-like unfeminine body) and nicest personality and manly aggressiveness I adore (except for sex!) 

I always wonder why he has never married. Once this question came up to us, and he said it just didn't happen that way. 

For me not having ever married, it may be for my big transition in life took place in my mid 20s. I came to the US when I was 25. I had a hard time adjusting to this culture including language. Yet I have had boyfriends. In fact, with a few of them I thought about getting married, but not so seriously. Then we broke up. Each breakup was different, so I don't think there is any consistent issue with me when it comes to marriage. So here I am, not having been married ever. 

I tried to settle in this country for a long time; I might have missed opportunities by putting my focus on adjustment, language, work, legal status, etc. But now I have my green card and got a stable job. Finally I realized I want to get married. But I got this strong feeling after I met this current boyfriend. In other words, I don't care about marriage itself, but I do want to be married with him.

So both of us may be very late bloomers


----------



## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Julzwife just curious, why do you feel one year is that big of a difference in age?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Julzwife (Feb 23, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> Julzwife just curious, why do you feel one year is that big of a difference in age?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Because women generally tend to mature much faster than men. 
This means that a woman who is dating a man who is the same age as
her or one who is younger than her can find it a bit challenging to be in the relationship as she has a much more mature outlook to life than the man and may find some of his behavoiurs childish. This can be frustrating for her as well as for the man.
I am not saying that this is always the case, as there are some men who act more maturely for their age, but in most instances this is true.

The relationship can still work out given the age difference but I think she should watch out to ensure that she isn't being overbearing or mothering him.


----------



## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Julzwife said:


> Because women generally tend to mature much faster than men.
> This means that a woman who is dating a man who is the same age as
> her or one who is younger than her can find it a bit challenging to be in the relationship as she has a much more mature outlook to life than the man and may find some of his behavoiurs childish. This can be frustrating for her as well as for the man.
> I am not saying that this is always the case, as there are some men who act more maturely for their age, but in most instances this is true.
> ...


Oh I've heard that said but I thought I had also read somewhere that males catch up somewhere in mid to late 30's
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

