# sexual orientation grey area.Concerned if this is deceitful of me.



## paul47891 (Nov 5, 2014)

Hi Everyone,

I have been lurking on here for a while but not had the courage to point until now. I saw a very similar thread from a woman who found out her husband was bi so after much deliberation I have decided to post to get some advice on my issue. 
hI am a 35 year old man, married with 3 children. I got married at 27 but we have been together since I was 23. Children aged 6,4 & 2. We are a happily married couple and my wife and family mean everything to me. The issue I have is that I have never been 100% able to label my sexuality...this is the first time I have ever 'spoken' about this so here goes......

Since I was a teen, I always knew that I had the capability to feel sexual attraction to both men and women. All of my relationships have been with women and I have never so much as kissed a guy even though I acknowledge my attraction. 


When I met my wife it was like a thunderbolt and we got serious very quickly. I didn't really think about my confusion over my sexuality as I was ( and still am) very happy with my wife. A few weeks ago I read an article regarding a man who had left his wife for another guy after several years of marriage following several affairs with other men. Lots of readers had posted very negative comments about how was 'the lowest of the low' and how he had deceived her. This has made me really paranoid and worried even though I can't really relate to that guy as my situation is different. 

I have NEVER cheated on my wife and as far as I am concerned we are together forever. I took my marriage vows seriously and would not risk losing my family for a moment of madness. I have never felt repressed or like I am living a lie. In fact, I am VERY happy with my life. I have a very good physical relationship with my wife and am satisfied with the sexual aspect of our marriage. 

I have no desire to experiment etc but I am wondering if I have been deceitful by not speaking to her about my attractions. The reader comments have made me feel like I am sort of lying husband although I have NEVER thought of myself in that way. I have never discussed by potential bisexuality with her as it never seemed relevant and I guess I worried that it would freak her out and push her away. I could not bear that. 

As I mentioned earlier. I have NEVER had a male - male experience. I have seen male porn but then I have also seen a lot of straight porn. My wife has no issue with porn as long as its done discreetly although she probably thinks its just straight stuff. It's very rare that I view porn as it interests me less as I get older. 

So I guess my question is am I being deceitful and should I have a conversation with her about my attractions even though I've no intention of acting on it? I accept that a conversation prior to us getting married would have been a good idea but there is nothing I can do about that now. Would welcome any advice.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

I would never ever ever, not in a million gajillion years ever tell...

But that's just me...

I think, if you 're happy in your life right now, then there's no need to rock the boat.

BUT....

If there is even a slightly removed vague thought in your brain that you'd want a gay experience SOME day, you better come out now.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Good news.

A week ago I would have told you there's no such thing as a bisexual male, if you're attracted to men then you're gay and that's it.

But I've since learned that there is a grey scale when it comes to that sort of thing, and apparently all of us fall in different places on the scale, so you can be mostly straight and a little **** and all is well in the world.

If it bothers you to keep it from her then share but be prepared to face the consequences which can be anything from "it's no big deal honey I still love you" to "I want a divorce".

If it was me I'd keep my mouth shut.. and I'm not just talking about telling her about your fantasies.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

What if you tell your wife you are bisexual, and she responds by saying she is bisexual also?


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

I don't think it's deceitful. Whoever else you may be attracted to, whether it be men or women, pointing out your attraction to them to your spouse is more than likely going to feel bad to her when you first tell her. Know what I mean? If my H said it to me I would probably wonder if he really wanted to have sex with men. Why point it out if you don't intend to do anything about it?

On the other hand, in my ideal world, a marriage is a place where we all could accept that our spouses are going to be attracted to other people and not feel threatened by it. And, we could be free to be our entire selves and our spouse would accept it. 

Either way, I don't think it's deceitful not to tell her and if you decide to tell her, don't do it just to get it off your chest. You need a better reason.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

paul47891 said:


> So I guess my question is am I being deceitful and should I have a conversation with her about my attractions even though I've no intention of acting on it? I accept that a conversation prior to us getting married would have been a good idea but there is nothing I can do about that now. Would welcome any advice.


It kind of sucks that you didn't give her credit to accept you as you are and her still know that you'd love her and be faithful. But that ship has sailed now I guess. She's going to feel ambushed by this kind of truth after the fact. But you know this based on your own comment.

I'm not sure what you should do but I'll say that many men and women have preferences and fetishes that they just don't share. Apparently granny porn and shemale porn are the most common secrets and I doubt the guys surfing that stuff are telling the wifey about it? I'm guessing those who snoop and find it are shaking their heads and trying to forget what they've found as well. Good luck.


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## paul47891 (Nov 5, 2014)

Thundarr said:


> It kind of sucks that you didn't give her credit to accept you as you are and her still know that you'd love her and be faithful. But that ship has sailed now I guess. She's going to feel ambushed by this kind of truth after the fact. But you know this based on your own comment. QUOTE]
> 
> You are right - it should have been discussed years ago. It just never seemed relevant. I just don't know how I can discuss this with her without her getting the wrong idea about my intentions.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening paul47891
I think that you are the only one in a position to judge your wife's reaction if you tell her.

As far as I'm concerned, if you have no plans to have sex with another man, then any interest you have is firmly in the category of "fantasy". I don't think people are under any obligation to tell their partners about their fantasies.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I am attracted to women. Not just my wife, but many other women. I have not plan to screw any of them. So why would i tell my wife that I am attracted to other women? What good what that do?


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

First of all I think you sound like a caring and loving husband! You sound so thoughtful and sincere.
I view sexuality as a spectrum. Our thoughts towards attraction and sexuality is an amazing topic. I get really turned on by lesbian porn but in no way am I gay or act out or even fantasize about it. I just think of it as a beautiful thing to watch. So perhaps when you find yourself looking at a man and feel attracted, view it as an external "work of art". You are just admiring him. When we don't feel a need to act out on our thoughts then they are just thoughts! There are millions of thoughts running through our heads daily. Thats why they call it the monkey mind. We are not our thoughts so dont worry.
Wishing you a long blissful marriage!


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Don't rock your world. It's best not to say anything to your wife nor act on your attractions. Leave things be as you are happy.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

This is actually a really good question.
Although many men won’t admit it, as well as many women, all human beings fall along a spectrum of sexuality and there are many grey areas.
This is totally natural and very normal. The problem begins when society feels the need for people to conform to black and white labels. For someone in a grey area this can cause a lot of stress. 
It seems like you are experiencing it right now.

Black and white thinking can be very damaging if taken personally. The majority of the time, when someone posts that accuse them of lying and deceiving they are often more of a reflection of how that person feels about themselves. Self-hatred runs rampant on the nets because of its anonymity.

I am a heterosexual male. I love women. 
BUT…that doesn’t stop me from seeing how men can be attractive through various ways. 
Terms like “bromance” and “Man Crush” are becoming mainstream now because people are opening up to the fact that people are attracted to each other for thousands of different reasons. 
I frequently have lunch with two ladies who discuss things like this openly. They discuss “Old man Crushes” and “If I were gay” crushes and several other fun things. 
It’s a way to get to know each other and yourself.
Both, BTW, are happily married.

This isn’t something that you need to feel “bad” about. There is nothing bad about it. 
Once could say that you should actually feel good about it because you aren’t homophobic.

It all depends on how you look at it.

You may wish to tell your wife simply because its honest. Some people may freak out, some may not.
You are the only one who knows your wife well enough to make that call.
If you are looking for feedback on weather this is “good” or “bad”…well…you are simply dealing with something that all human beings deal with on a daily basis, its just that you are aware of it on a conscious level.

I hate to break it to you…but you are normal.


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## lifeisbetterthanalternat (Apr 24, 2012)

I truly believe (from my life experience) that there are allot of men and women that are "confused" about their orientation. 

I think there are allot of blowhards that are quick to judge the actions of others. The saying "don't judge another man until you walk in his shoes" should be kept in mind. 

I don't believe it is dissingenuous to withhold this information. I think that people have certain rights to privacy with regards to their own thoughts, likes, dislikes. I disagree with the notion that we have to tell our S/O's all of our fantasies etc. If we have thought about banging the neighbor...and we don't truly have any intention of following through..what good would it serve to disclose this. 

I mean if you buy into this notion of full-disclosure than should I tell my flat-chested wife that I really like girls with big boobs...or that I really liked redheads. You fell in love with her and you fully intend (and do intend) to remain faithful. The fact that you may have fantasies involving others (men or women) is not something that you should feel guilty about NOT telling her. I would imagine there are many spouses (mine included) that have thought about doing the horizontal dance with a coworker, ex or whatever... but if they don't really have any intention of doing anything then do I (as their spouse) really have a need to know this. If they did tell me..wouldn't I think (why are they telling me this...) 

My .02


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## exhaustedmarriage (Nov 3, 2014)

lenzi said:


> Good news.
> 
> A week ago I would have told you there's no such thing as a bisexual male, if you're attracted to men then you're gay and that's it.
> 
> ...




Way to wrap up a post.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

This seems like a case of 'what she doesn't know can't hurt her', in my opinion anyway. I'm not sure what benefit it would be to you, her or your relationship to tell her now.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I am sexually attracted to half the women on earth. Doesn't mean it'd be a great idea to act upon those attractions or to discuss them with the wife. You have a wife and three kids. Your "labels" are "husband" and "dad", if you feel you must have labels. In truth, you don't actually know if you'd enjoy sex with another man. So far, it's been something of an idea or a concept. If any experimenting was going to be done, it would have been handy to take care of that before you made three kids. By your own admission, you are "happy" and your family comes first. How would telling your wife that you sometimes think about nailing guys contribute to your marital happiness or the well-being of your kids?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> I am sexually attracted to half the women on earth.


That many?

When I'm out and about I'll take in the scenery, and it's been my experience that perhaps 1 in 20 women are attractive, and even that number might be a bit high.

Perhaps your standards are less restrictive then mine. For example, I don't typically find myself attracted to women over 55 or under 18 and that's gotta be more than half the women on earth right there. Then you gotta take the axe to all the overweight and ugly women, and those who are missing body parts or suffering from other disfigurements, and at that point there's not all that much left.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

The closer you get to 55 is how well you'll perceive the attraction.

Sean Connery at 84 still turns my crank!


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## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

Yes, it is deceitful of you. Why not mention this to her before you got married and had her promise to spend her life with you if you knew this wasn't going to go away?


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

There's some really crapy advice here. I mean just awful.

There's fidelity and fantasy. You can have both in a healthy relationship. If your bisexual or Hetero-ish you can still be a complete monogamist with your wife. 

There's sexual fantasies that my wife has no interest in. But I've still discussed it with her, as it's what drives my desires. But there's some that I was mildly surprised by. Who knows maybe she just might like it about you, and as a loving sex positive couple, you can explore it through role play. 

So I say go for it! Tell her, it's not about her, you have no desire to act on it, and it's just another piece to the puzzle. 

For all of you who keep their mouth shut about your sexuality, well you get what you ask for.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

paul47891 said:


> Thundarr said:
> 
> 
> > It kind of sucks that you didn't give her credit to accept you as you are and her still know that you'd love her and be faithful. But that ship has sailed now I guess. She's going to feel ambushed by this kind of truth after the fact. But you know this based on your own comment. QUOTE]
> ...


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

U.E. McGill said:


> There's some really crapy advice here. I mean just awful.
> 
> There's fidelity and fantasy. You can have both in a healthy relationship. If your bisexual or Hetero-ish you can still be a complete monogamist with your wife.
> 
> ...


Maybe, but she's not going to be able to change sex for him to carry out any fantasies about being with a man. Dressing up doesn't change what's underneath. It's not like he's withholding from her a fantasy of rough play/bondage etc.


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

breeze said:


> Maybe, but she's not going to be able to change sex for him to carry out any fantasies about being with a man. Dressing up doesn't change what's underneath. It's not like he's withholding from her a fantasy of rough play/bondage etc.



A great friend of mine dated a bi-girl. It was incredibly helpful to him because every once in awhile he just didn't have the equipment. They weren't open, but sometimes she just wasn't in the mood for his equipment. She legitimately could say "it's not you really". Made it incredibly easy for him. 

The other side was they had similar taste in women. While they weren't in an open relationship, they could both pick out a girl in a crowd and add fuel to the fire. 

Some of the highest rated porn for women is gay porn. Maybe that turns his wife's crank? Maybe not. But man I'd kick myself in the ass if I was 72 and said to my wife "I love lesbian porn" and she was like "I have a secret bi-side! I was afraid to tell you years ago". 

If you can't tell your wife who you are, then who can you tell?


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