# Ask husbands, what's wrong with you?



## 347233 (Nov 25, 2020)

Yesterday, my husband wanted to go to the gym after work but our daughter has dance classes at about the same time, and right now we only have one car (another one in the repairs shop)

My husband asked me to drop him off, but I didn't and I was exploded about why t f you have to go gym 7 days a week? Can't you just take a rest one day, then he kept asking me to drop him off? I said no!

So he told our daughter that she won't be able to go dance class because of mom not taking me and I will taking the car. 

So I was really angry so I told him between daughter classes and your gym which one is more important? Then he said because of your childish acting he always blames me if something like this happens. He walked out and didn't take the car, he runs to the gym about 1.5 miles away. 

So he sent me a message on the way like ” You ask me all the time for stuff. I help I am there you need help with homework I help you need me to pick you up because of a car wreck I am there. I ask for one small 10-minute favor and you can’t do”

He thinks he did a lot to me and blamed me as always. 

So I told him how I felt for the past 10 years and I want to divorce. He was upset and asked (via text) ” I wish you would tell me what I do so wrongly”

He never remembers how I feel, I told him and wrote him a long letter many times. So I told him that my heart is so suffered. But I can't take this anymore I want to leave and you can have everything even the kids because I don't know where I gonna go or stay, I don't have a job or money all I know is I can't stay with you anymore. 

I love my kids deathly but I am too suffer to stay.

So after he got home from the gym he went to sit in the garage for almost one hour in the cold weather like 30 degrees.

We never talk to each other since.

I want to ask all husbands out there, why didn't you remember about what wives want from you and why you do not show her that you want her as a wife, all you do is watching TV, play video games, read. I appreciate that you help with the house chores, kids, and cooking sometimes but what about being a passionate husband? What about giving wife time as a lover? 

Why when wives ask for a divorce you seem don't get it and don't understand where are our wives coming from? 


My original post: 








Married with 0 sex life


Pretty simple. Say something and end the marriage before violating your marriage vow. Many things can and do go wrong in a marriage which can be addressed and resolved. Its not just "for better." Unfaithfulness and deceit is for cowards but agree that there many cowards out there. You violated...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com


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## beautifulauthenticself (Nov 2, 2020)

Itiyou34 said:


> Yesterday, my husband wanted to go to the gym after work but our daughter has dance classes at about the same time, and right now we only have one car (another one in the repairs shop)
> 
> My husband asked me to drop him off, but I didn't and I was exploded about why t f you have to go gym 7 days a week? Can't you just take a rest one day, then he kept asking me to drop him off? I said no!
> 
> ...


How long have you guys been married for? Would both of you consider marriage counseling? It seems like the two of you have different communication styles which is causing conflicts in your relationship or making the other feel neglected, ignored or misunderstood.


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## 347233 (Nov 25, 2020)

12 years and I think I am so done with him. We always conflict with almost everything. 



beautiful authentic self said:


> How long have you guys been married for? Would both of you consider marriage counseling? It seems like the two of you have different communication styles which is causing conflicts in your relationship or making the other feel neglected, ignored or misunderstood.


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## beautifulauthenticself (Nov 2, 2020)

Itiyou34 said:


> We always conflict with almost everything.


Well, miscommunication always leads to conflicts. Both of you need to start focusing on your communication style if you're willing to fight for your marriage. From what I read above, your husband doesn't seem like a bad person except he needs to listen to understand and start paying attention to your emotional needs/wants.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I am in my 50s and have learnt that if you do not put yourself first noone else will. In a marriage there is no point in always being the one giving, if your husband's love language is not gifts of service, it is falling on deaf ears. You are not being honest with yourself, what is actually bothering you?
Write it all down. You explode at him for what might seem a simple request but that explosion is driven by resentment, what are you resenting?

Read His Needs/Her needs to get some insight.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Wait you really messed with his gym? (I also work out every day.).


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Itiyou34 said:


> 12 years and I think I am so done with him. *We always conflict with almost everything.*


That could be the reason he goes to the gym so often.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

aine said:


> I am in my 50s and have learnt that if you do not put yourself first noone else will. In a marriage there is no point in always being the one giving, if your husband's love language is not gifts of service, it is falling on deaf ears. You are not being honest with yourself, what is actually bothering you?
> Write it all down. You explode at him for what might seem a simple request but that explosion is driven by resentment, what are you resenting?
> 
> Read His Needs/Her needs to get some insight.


It sounds like you both find the other selfish and he think you are looking for things to complain about.

Ideally, you would both be on the same team trying your best. I think you both feel you are trying your best but are on your own. 

He might be going to the gym to have some peace before going back and having to work again at being married. You feel like he is not putting in the effort.

”You ask me all the time for stuff. I help I am there you need help with homework I help you need me to pick you up because of a car wreck I am there. I ask for one small 10-minute favor and you can’t do”
A few things in that. 
Firstly, he takes for granted that you lead with the housework and he is helping with it. If you do not work that is fair enough, but selfish if you both work. 
Secondly, it is a tone of resignation and defeat, that there is no pleasing you. I think there are women who think that they have to complain constantly to make the relationship work, and that it is actually an undervalued contribution. They are the ones who say "if I did not complain, nothing would get done", and that can be poison.

"I want to ask all husbands out there, why didn't you remember about what wives want from you and why you do not show her that you want her as a wife, all you do is watching TV, play video games, read. I appreciate that you help with the house chores, kids, and cooking sometimes but what about being a passionate husband? What about giving wife time as a lover?"
The husband is having a pretty horrible life. Normally, there are the men that hang around working in the office at the end of the day because they cannot face going home. That is what we are seeing here. Your response is to get angry. Then wonder why there is no sex, you are cutting his balls off and complaining he is a eunuch.

He might well be at fault, but he certainly seems alienated.


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## Rooster2015 (Jun 12, 2015)

You both have a young daughter. And you would be willing to walk away from her? How do you think she would feel? Personally that alone means you should go to marriage counselling and try to fix this.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Rooster2015 said:


> You both have a young daughter. And you would be willing to walk away from her? How do you think she would feel? Personally that alone means you should go to marriage counselling and try to fix this.


I'm confused. Getting divorced isn't walking away from your child.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Itiyou34 said:


> My husband asked me to drop him off, but I didn't and I was exploded about why t f you have to go gym 7 days a week? Can't you just take a rest one day, then he kept asking me to drop him off? I said no!


So for THIS, I think you were wrong -- why couldn't you have dropped him off? Exploding about him going to the gym seems to be overkill, especially if you know he goes to the gym every day.

HOWEVER, that being said, there is WAY more going on here.
I take it you actually wanted him to GO to your D's dance class, yes? Did you ask him before hand to plan on doing that?
Do you think he is detached from your D? I think you exploded at him because you resent the hell out of him and your conflicts (and he ALSO resents the hell out of you also).

You both should read "the 5 love languages" by Chapman. I BET that you are both VERY different in the way you express and expect love to be shown to you. Counseling to help you have REAL communications and not screaming matches will go a long way to help you BOTH figure this out.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Itiyou34 said:


> Yesterday, my husband wanted to go to the gym after work but our daughter has dance classes at about the same time, and right now we only have one car (another one in the repairs shop)
> 
> My husband asked me to drop him off, but I didn't and I was exploded about why t f you have to go gym 7 days a week? Can't you just take a rest one day, then he kept asking me to drop him off? I said no!
> 
> ...



On anything else, I would say you have every right to be pissed, HOWEVER, the gym is a little different. If he's anything like me, he can put everything aside for his family except the gym. I don't think women realize that lifting is an innate need for some people and without it, everything kind of goes to ****. My wife just recently got the memo and now she doesn't give me crap about going to the gym, she knows I need to go, she knows I'm going to go and she know that when I get back, i'll be in a great mood and help out with anything.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

The gym is like brushing your teeth or taking a shower. It is health maintenance you should do every day in my opinion. With that said sometimes I have conflicts of when I want to go, so I change things so that I go at a different time on the same day.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

There are obviously A LOT of underlying issues if you are discussing divorce because of a fight about the gym. 

I don't really understand why he couldn't walk, run or bike there if it's 1.5 miles away. No reason to make your daughter miss her class. 

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

So, who is at the gym that your H is really interested in enough to battle you, not allow your daughter to get to dance and being an overall abrasive bordering on childish?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Having to go to the gym every day is over kill. I would say that is an obsession.


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## 347233 (Nov 25, 2020)

It seemed he has someone there at the gym but I doubt it. He uses the Orange theory Fitness, which most people just come and go. 

He said he does the challenge to workout 7 days a week last month. He usually does Mon - Fri. I will see if this weekend he go again, if he does I wj ask him if there is someone that motivates him to go. But I already asked him about this he said he has nobody he just wanted to do the challenge.

It sounds really weird. I tried to tell him it won't be good you need to take some rest. 





Nailhead said:


> So, who is at the gym that your H is interested in enough to battle you, not allow your daughter to get to dance, and being an overall abrasive bordering on childish?


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## 347233 (Nov 25, 2020)

Yes I told him as well. 


Diana7 said:


> Having to go to the gym every day is over kill. I would say that is an obsession.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Itiyou34 said:


> It seemed he has someone there at the gym but I doubt it. He uses the Orange theory Fitness, which most people just come and go.
> 
> He said he does the challenge to workout 7 days a week last month. He usually does Mon - Fri. I will see if this weekend he go again, if he does I wj ask him if there is someone that motivates him to go. But I already asked him about this he said he has nobody he just wanted to do the challenge.
> 
> It sounds really weird. I tried to tell him it won't be good you need to take some rest.


Trust but verify. 

Set a challenge for your H. The challenge being grow the heck up or your out. Honestly, your H is childish.


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## 347233 (Nov 25, 2020)

For me, It's not about the gym at all but the way he acted why gym more important than a daughter dance classes. 

And he goes 7 days a week!

He mad at me why can't I drop him off! He did so many things to me why can't I??? 

Our marriage is dried. We never intimately or do stuff as a lover or a couple. He only spends time by himself after the kids go to bed. He watching TV, playing video games, and came to bed when he was tired, after he got to bed he read a few minutes and sleep.

His routine this way nearly after married. He told me before we get married that he needs some time for himself after work like 30 minutes, but all I see a whole night. 




kag123 said:


> There are A LOT of underlying issues if you are discussing divorce because of a fight about the gym.
> 
> I don't understand why he couldn't walk, run or bike there if it's 1.5 miles away. No reason to make your daughter miss her class.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


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## 347233 (Nov 25, 2020)

I understand but I don't understand why needed to go so bad? I go gym myself 4-5 times a week and I am fit for my age. 





ccpowerslave said:


> The gym is like brushing your teeth or taking a shower. It is health maintenance you should do every day in my opinion. With that said sometimes I have conflicts of when I want to go, so I change things so that I go at a different time on the same day.


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## 347233 (Nov 25, 2020)

He doesn't lift much as I am, most he does is running he did some baby weights there. He used the Orangetheory Fitness, they do not have a lot of equipment as a normal gym.

I started to go to the gym 4 years ago, I know you have to be consistent but the way he acted like he would die if he can't go. 





Mybabysgotit said:


> On anything else, I would say you have every right to be pissed, HOWEVER, the gym is a little different. If he's anything like me, he can put everything aside for his family except the gym. I don't think women realize that lifting is an innate need for some people and without it, everything kind of goes to ****. My wife just recently got the memo and now she doesn't give me crap about going to the gym, she knows I need to go, she knows I'm going to go and she knows that when I get back, I'll be in a great mood and help out with anything.


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## 347233 (Nov 25, 2020)

He is about to be 50 in 2 months, me 39. He always tells his mom everything and calls mom how to make the gravy last Thanksgiving. I told him why you have to ask her?? Why can't you believe me how to do it I don't have to google but it is common sense that he needs to cook on the stove after he pours the flour in. 

Everything happens in our family he will inform his mom. This is also one thing I can't take it.

But he always said I am childish. I am the last child for my parents and he's the oldest. I don't call my parents about our problems. 







Nailhead said:


> Trust but verify.
> 
> Set a challenge for your H. The challenge growing the heck up or you're out. Honestly, your H is childish.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I'd say choose your battles. To me it's not a big deal if my husband asked me to drop him off on the way to my child's dance class, but I have no built up resentment that can push me over the edge with anger towards him.

You both have some serious issues to solve. Going to the gym 5 days a week might be good for the relationship.


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## 347233 (Nov 25, 2020)

I just don't understand why he wanted to go so bad and can't take a day off. 





pastasauce79 said:


> I'd say choose your battles. To me it's not a big deal if my husband asked me to drop him off on the way to my child's dance class, but I have no built up resentment that can push me over the edge with anger towards him.
> 
> You both have some serious issues to solve. Going to the gym 5 days a week might be good for the relationship.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Itiyou34 said:


> I just don't understand why he wanted to go so bad and can't take a day off.


Because he wanted to, and it's ok to want to go to the gym 5 times a week. What did you want him to do instead of going to the gym? Was he needed somewhere?


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Having to go to the gym every day is over kill. I would say that is an obsession.


I think it likely that he is trying to get a break from a tense household, or is trying to boost his testosterone and feels inadequate about it.


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## 347233 (Nov 25, 2020)

I think may get a break from the family not sure about his testosterone. I doubt if he is aware of it. 



Mr The Other said:


> I think it likely that he is trying to get a break from a tense household, or is trying to boost his testosterone and feels inadequate about it.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Itiyou34 said:


> He is about to be 50 in 2 months, me 39. He always tells his mom everything and calls mom how to make the gravy last Thanksgiving. I told him why you have to ask her?? Why can't you believe me how to do it I don't have to google but it is common sense that he needs to cook on the stove after he pours the flour in.
> 
> Everything happens in our family he will inform his mom. This is also one thing I can't take it.
> 
> But he always said I am childish. I am the last child for my parents and he's the oldest. I don't call my parents about our problems.


Great. A momma's boy. Your H needs to cut the apron strings. It appears his parents(mom) contribute to your marital issues. Not until your H grows a pair, cuts the apron strings and be a H will your marriage be were it needs to be.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Itiyou34 said:


> I think may get a break from the family not sure about his testosterone. I doubt if he is aware of it.


It was mentioned he has low teststerone I think? Was this actually tested?



Nailhead said:


> Great. A momma's boy. Your H needs to cut the apron strings. It appears his parents(mom) contribute to your marital issues. Not until your H grows a pair, cuts the apron strings and be a H will your marriage be were it needs to be.


Mrs 34 seems fairly assertive and possible what a younger Mr 34 may I have been attracted to if a momma's boy.


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## 347233 (Nov 25, 2020)

He has never been tested. But he lost hair, no sex drive, was depressed, no erection at all for a long time and so many more. 




Mr The Other said:


> It was mentioned he has low testosterone I think? Was this tested?
> 
> 
> 
> Mrs 34 seems fairly assertive and possibly what a younger Mr 34 may I have been attracted to if a momma's boy.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

well loss of hair is a sign of higher testosterone. but based on my head it's not very reliable.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Itiyou34 said:


> He has never been tested. But he lost hair, no sex drive, was depressed, no erection at all for a long time and so many more.


Lost hair is not associated with low T. Depression and no sex drive is.
I am going to suggest a few things. I could be completely off and sorry for that.

He feels like a washed up shell of a man
You used to look up to him, now you look down on him
He dreads being home and cannot wait to get peace
He goes to the gym:
- To get peace
- To feel powerful
- To feel more of a man
- To fight his decline
- To try to become more of a man
(Also, I have the impression he does not get to hang out with mates much).

Clearly, you need sex. I suggest his failure to provide you with that most basic duty of a husband is eating away at him far more than it seems.

Again, I am guessing. I could be completely wrong and assume some of what I wrote is.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I was with him until I found out he calls his mommy.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Itiyou34 said:


> For me, It's not about the gym at all but the way he acted why gym more important than a daughter dance classes.
> 
> And he goes 7 days a week!
> 
> ...


The gym is not the problem, just a trigger for you. You have identified the problem. There is no connection, you do all the work, he is not engaged in your family life, he is self centered, is not intimate with you, etc.

Then it is time to start not including him in anything. Do the 180 on him, detach completely. Do everything for your kids and yourself, nothing for him. No laundry, no cooking, no nothing, no affection, no sex, no nothing. Tell him until such time as he decides to actually be present in the marriage and the family, then you also will not be.
In the meantime get yourself a good counsellor. 
I suspect he may have someone else, do not say anything but start digging. The signs are there.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Itiyou34 said:


> .......So he told our daughter that she won't be able to go dance class because of mom not taking me and I will taking the car.
> 
> *So I was really angry so I told him between daughter classes and your gym which one is more important? *Then he said because of your childish acting he always blames me if something like this happens. He walked out and didn't take the car, he runs to the gym about 1.5 miles away.
> 
> ...


Look at some of the things your wrote. Clearly, this has been building for quite a while. But did going NUCLEAR on him really the best way to handle things? There are fair fights, but asking him to choose between his daughter and the gym (which was a power struggle between you and him, with your daughter caught in the middle) was not a fair fight. Yes he also did the same kind of awful things to you in this power struggle, but you are not a pure victim.

If I had been your husband, staying in the garage for an hour to cool off after a hard work out at the gym would be the best of all possible circumstances you could hope for. Yes he also did some things wrong, but one of you has to be an adult about things.

Have you ever had your spouse tell you that they never wanted to have sex with you again, that they never wanted to have sex with anyone ever? Have you had your spouse refuse to kiss you or recoil from a gentle touch on the shoulder? Have you ever had them tell you that your genitals were dirty and filthy (even though you had showered recently)? Have they ever picked fights with you to retain emotional distance? I have lived with all of that.

And do you know that I felt I was the victim of a frigid wife who just didn't love me any more. I was surprised when I found out later that she did love me. I was also surprised that in most problems it takes two. I learned about the things I had done that had hurt her. I changed the way I behaved and apologized to her. Through affirmations and self hypnosis I worked hard at forgiving her all the pain and emotional scars she had caused me for so many years. With the help of great Sex Therapist and marriage counselors we saved our marriage.





Itiyou34 said:


> For me, *It's not about the gym at all but the way he acted *why gym more important than a daughter dance classes.
> 
> *And he goes 7 days a week!*
> 
> ...


The whole gym thing was just a trigger to much deeper underlying emotions.

Have you sat down and done some introspection on if you have (over the course of your marriage) done things to drive him away from you and the relationship you claim to want?

When I was in a sex starved marriage I would stay up until 2 or 3 in the morning and go to be so exhausted all I could do was fall asleep immediately. Why because laying in bed next to my wife awake and thinking about her next to me just ripped me apart emotionally. You are focusing on symptoms not underlying causes. It generally takes two to make a marriage and two to destroy a marriage.

I really suggest marriage counseling for the two of you, but only if you want to work at saving your marriage and changing yourself. Your H will also need to make that decision as well.

I wish the two of you luck.

P.S. as someone who did endurance running in his 60's, I learned from some master runners books that taking rest days is critical to not getting over-use injuries. Most older people who exercise hard need at least one rest day a week and a day or two of light exercise otherwise they injure themselves.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Itiyou34 said:


> For me, It's not about the gym at all but the way he acted why gym more important than a daughter dance classes.
> 
> And he goes 7 days a week!
> 
> ...


Before Covid, I went to the gym 6 or 7 days a week. About 1.5 hours on average a day.
One works diff parts of the body, etc.

The gym is 5 mins from my house.

Now, the gym is at my house 🙂. Had to buy the damn eqpt.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

You really didn’t clarify why you couldn’t take him to the gym. Was it only because you didn’t WANT him to go? If so, that’s pretty selfish. It doesn’t matter if he wants to work out every day. For many, exercise is an anti-depressant. And it’s a healthy outlet. There’s no reason for someone NOT to go to the gym 7 days a week if it is something that they enjoy and a serotonin boost.


If it’s because when he’s at the gym he doesn’t take care of family responsibilities, that’s a different story. I’m not getting that though. I’m getting that it’s more of a thing where you didn’t WANT him to go, so you just refused to take him. Having only one car puts a strain on a household. I get that it’s not intentional, but until you have both cars back, both adults needs should be taken care of with the vehicle that is currently running. You may have to make some compromises in the meantime. If you didn’t take him simply because you didn’t want him to work out, that’s pretty controlling. Sure, he could run to the gym like he ended up doing, but ask yourself why you needed to control whether he worked out or not?


Your marriage sounds pretty disconnected outside of this whole issue and the problem seems much larger than an hour a day workout.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I really do not see a reason for such blow up over dropping your husband at the gym. And then making it about the daughter. So much drama.
Your blow up is over your whole marriage problems not drop off. But if that’s your usual communication style, this will be hard to fix.


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## bergmannlucas (Dec 7, 2020)

es ist interessant zu hören...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bergmannlucas said:


> es ist interessant zu hören...


Dies ist ein englischsprachiges Forum. Antworten auf Englisch wäre dankbar, danke.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Itiyou34 said:


> He uses the Orange theory Fitness, which most people just come and go.
> 
> He said he does the challenge to workout 7 days a week last month. He usually does Mon - Fri. I will see if this weekend he go again, if he does I wj ask him if there is someone that motivates him to go. But I already asked him about this he said he has nobody he just wanted to do the challenge.
> 
> It sounds really weird. I tried to tell him it won't be good you need to take some rest.





Itiyou34 said:


> I just don't understand why he wanted to go so bad and can't take a day off.


You answered your own question here. He is doing some sort of promotional challenge the gym is doing. If he skips a day, he's lost the challenge. He expected support from you towards his goal, and you showed him you don't care at all.

HOWEVER

Presumably he knows his daughter's dance schedule, and that there is presently only one car. He should have made a plan with you ahead of time, about going at a different time, or getting dropped off, instead of assuming. There is definitely a lack of communication between you.

DOUBLE HOWEVER

It's not about the gym. This was just the final disappointment in a long list of disappointments that have gone unaddressed between you. It's up to both of you to do something about it. If one or both of you aren't willing to do anything, you are headed to divorce.


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