# Wife doesn't enjoy sexual intercourse, but only wants to do hand stuff



## ragriz769 (Feb 25, 2021)

To The TalkAboutMarriage Community,

I am frustrated and confused with my sex life and not sure how to fix it. My wife and I are only a year married but have been dating for 7 years. She is 28, and I am 29. We roughly have sex once a month which is driven by her mood and never mine. My mood is typically once or twice a week, which is basically night and day in sex drive. My wife has been known to have a low sex drive. Most of our relationship has been long-distance and only in the past year have we been living together. Sex has always been an issue for us.

We have tried some solutions, such as 2-minute sex where she is certainly not in the mood, but it allows me to release some sexual tension. But I found that was only enjoyable for a couple of weeks because, for me, the best part of sex is the pleasure you give to your significant other. Since I know she is not in the mood, I really don't want to have sex unless she is in the mood or I get to see how I make her moan.

I understand from the books that women need affection, conversation, and commitment to really be fulfilled, but I am providing those things. We equally share the responsibilities in the house and both are proactive. I have been trying to do some romantic things and get her more relaxed so she feels more inclined or in the mood, but I do not think that is the issue.

I believe my wife doesn't like intercourse, specifically penetration. Many times in the month, she will ask me to make her cum with just my hand. I am always excited and happy to oblige and use my hands to get her in the mood and make her really wet. Whenever I ask, hey do you think you'll be in the mood for something more, and she immediately loses the mood and feels guilty because she wants to say no. So the past couple of months, I have been just making her cum with my hands without putting that pressure. This has basically reduced our sex life to just hands, and it has been extremely frustrating for me because it does take her some time to cum with my hands. I am not complaining about that, I actually enjoy torturing her and putting in alot of effort, but I feel I am not getting the same level of effort.

Actually many times when I ask her to make me cum with her hands, she immediately responds with do I have to or maybe later. More importantly, she barely puts in any effort and makes me feel like it's just a chore. 

In summary, my sex life is basically sex whenever she wants. If I try to be romantic, try to get her in the mood, my effort is to see as all I want is sex. Most of the time, we just do hand stuff which I extremely resent because what is the point of it, and even when we do have sex, it is always based on her schedule and usually very inconvenient, which makes it difficult to have sex without disrupting other parts of my life. I am extremely frustrated, and no way to communicate this because anytime I mention sex or I have a problem with it, I get 50/50 of I am blaming her, or it's not a big deal.

Thanks for reading.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

I’m curious why you married if there were issues sexually?


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## ragriz769 (Feb 25, 2021)

That is a fair question. I was having doubts about this and raised this issue before we got married. We talked to a couples counselor where I raise this issue, but I guess I felt bad/scared/negative of ending a 7-year relationship at the last second over just sex. I think my fear of being alone or ending a relationship, and time passing to the wedding date, I ended up putting myself in this position.

But the simple truth is that we have completely different sex drives. Sure we get along well and look good together on paper, but I don't feel satisfied or even physically excited. Is the solution to try to have an honest conversation with her about how I feel, and if I don't get any hopeful answers, then just accept this marriage was just right for the both of us?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

ragriz769 said:


> Is the solution to try to have an honest conversation with her about how I feel, and if I don't get any hopeful answers, then just accept this marriage was just right for the both of us?


Why would you accept things as they are, if you're not content? Why not accept that you made a mistake by marrying her, and rectify that instead?


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

ragriz769 said:


> That is a fair question. I was having doubts about this and raised this issue before we got married. We talked to a couples counselor where I raise this issue, but I guess I felt bad/scared/negative of ending a 7-year relationship at the last second over just sex. I think my fear of being alone or ending a relationship, and time passing to the wedding date, I ended up putting myself in this position.
> 
> But the simple truth is that we have completely different sex drives. Sure we get along well and look good together on paper, but I don't feel satisfied or even physically excited. Is the solution to try to have an honest conversation with her about how I feel, and if I don't get any hopeful answers, then just accept this marriage was just right for the both of us?


Yes, you need to have that talk, but what she says she will do and what she does are likely to be 2 different things. She might agree to sex once a week but you will likely find you're still unsatisfied because it will be the same no effort duty sex. I think you're looking for something other than she is capable of providing, which is an enthusiastic partner. I don't think she is the one for you. But have the talk with 100% full honesty.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Marrying into a dead bedroom is a huge mistake.

You should talk with her and make sure nothing is physically wrong like pain during PIV. She should go to a doctor in that case.

If nothing is physically wrong with her pick up “The Dead Bedroom Fix” by DSO. Get yourself in order. Once you’re squared away the next steps will become apparent. Either she’ll be more forthcoming or you’re planning your exit.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Been there done that. 
Dude, if you have an inkling of what's in store for you, LEAVE now. End it, find your balls and do it, unless that's the life you want to live, because I guarantee it, money back, that it's only going to get worse as time passes. Your decision.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Like some women, some say, many women, she does not get any enjoyment out of PIV.
Believe her.

Also present is a distaste for it.
Why is this?
Was she a victim of child sexual abuse?

She does get horny and does like what your hands do for her.
That make her (at least) low-desire, not, no-desire.
An important thing.

The other issue is her selfishness. 
She knows what your needs are, yet she ignores them.
Ignores yours, but pays attention to her needs.
Another sad, but important trait.

She is telling 'some' truth.

That truth is:

She does not enjoy sexual relations with you.
She might enjoy them with someone else, but that remains an unknown.
She likes to get off, on her terms.
She is, again, selfish.
She might be 'rather' non sexual. I doubt this.

She might be interested in someone else, a male, maybe a female.
Female to female sexual relations is done with hands, and other things, not a live penis.

You have an untenable relationship with her.
You can pressure her to change her ways. Then sex with her would be that 'star fish' sex, and not satisfying.

Admit, *you made a bad choice.*

Then, divorce, and move on to another, a lady more compatible.
Do not move on in anger, just in disappointment.

She is not a good partner for you.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

When a woman only agrees (and I emphasise the word 'agrees') to sex once a month that is known as "ovulation sex" and what that is is basically her body telling her she needs to have sex since she is ovulating. 

what is at the root here is she is not sexually attracted to you and is not drawn to you sexually. 

Someone up above mentioned "Dad Starting Over aka DSO" DSO has a very good analogy for situations like that and that is the 300 lb bearded woman principle. How would you feel and how would you react if you somehow felt obligated to take care of a smelly, 300 lb woman with a beard?

Would you want to meld with her and have your bodies become one in passion? Or if you didn't have the strength to keep putting her off with excuse after excuse would you reach over at arm's length to try to get her off to shut her up?

If your tank was full but you didn't have any other options for sexual release would you want her climbing on top of you or you trying to tunnel your way through all the roles and folds - or would you keep her at arm's length and just give you a hand to relieve the pressure?

This is a fundamental attraction issue. Women that are attracted to dudes, bang them on counters in bars and blow them in cars in parking lots and get down with them in cleaning closets at work. A once-a-month hand job is simply performing a distasteful house hold chore like cleaning the toilet. Good bet the toilet is getting cleaned more than once a month. 

Now this doesn't mean that you are a bad looking guy or not a good devoted husband or decent person. There may be other women out there that think you are the cat's meow and are leaving snail tracks on the floor following you around. 

But what it means is on a deep instinctual level, you do not trigger her sexual attraction and desire switches. 

You may have checked off a whole bunch of boxes that her grandmother approved of and things that make a good housemate and provider and some basic friendship and companionship,,, but you don't stimulate the part of her that creates sexual attraction and desire. 

You kinda screwed up in marrying a woman that you didn't know well (LDR) and what you did know about her was that she wasn't very sexual with you. Like many guys, you thought she would warm up to you once you put a ring on it. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. The fires of passion usually go down after being married and living together a number of years. When you start out with very little passion and fire, it tends to die out completely. 

There are things you can do that "MIGHT" get her fires burning but it will take you doing a lot of work on yourself and basically transforming yourself into someone that trips her trigger. ......and even then there are no guarantees because she married you because you were spouse-material and often times women do not want to be married to the guys they were banging in bars. 

Some good places to start are the "Dead Bedroom Fix" by DSO mentioned above. Also Athol Kay's "Married Man Sexlife" material and "The Unplugged Alpha" by Richard Cooper. 

DSO and Richard Cooper also have very informative podcasts that deal a lot with this kind of thing.


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## pbj2016 (May 7, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> .... There may be other women out there that think you are the cat's meow and are leaving snail tracks on the floor following you around.
> .....


wise words of advice...all of it but I don’t think I will ever get that picture out of my head.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> You kinda screwed up in marrying a woman that you didn't know well (LDR) and what you did know about her was that she wasn't very sexual with you. Like many guys, you thought she would warm up to you once you put a ring on it. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. The fires of passion usually go down after being married and living together a number of years. When you start out with very little passion and fire, it tends to die out completely.


Hire slow, fire fast

-Richard Cooper

What that simply phrase means is that people need to be slow and methodical in getting to know and vetting a potential partner and then be decision and let them go as soon as you realise they are not the right match for you. 

Your mistake here was you hired someone for the position of lover and wife without properly vetting her for sexual compatibility and not knowing her that well. 

Your second mistake will be in not firing her soon enough once you realise she isn't the right match for you. 

It's worth trying to see if you can make some changes in yourself that will turn her on. But once you get to where younger and prettier women are taking notice, but she is not - it's probably time to cut the cord.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

pbj2016 said:


> wise words of advice...all of it but I don’t think I will ever get that picture out of my head.


If I could step into the WayBack Machine and get a Mulligan on life, I would never go out with a woman that wasn't leaving snail tracks for me again. 

Snail tracks should be a mandatory selection criteria. It's wise to have a number of other criteria and requirements, but snail tracks need to be a nonnegotiable critical criteria.


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## ragriz769 (Feb 25, 2021)

Hey everyone thank you for the responses. Yeah, I strongly feel that my frustration has been with myself for thinking things will get better, not with her. I made the decision that things will get better, then it was clearly not going to happen. Or I made the decision not considering my needs. 

This feedback is extremely helpful. But I think I will have a real honest conversation with her, maybe trying to talk to a sex therapist. She says she had no sexual trauma. Before me, she didn't have any sex drive, but her sex drive is just not compatible with mine. 

More importantly, I have felt these things or that she was selfish in bed, but I wasn't confident in that assessment. Everyone's responses made everything clear and help me think I am not being too sensitive. I do appreciate it!! Thanks


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> Like some women, some say, many women, she does not get any enjoyment out of PIV.
> Believe her.
> 
> Also present is a distaste for it.
> ...



Although written in funky prose, I think this is all very accurate. She is not without sex drive or sexual needs. She is without attraction and desire for you. 

I do not write in creative prose, my prose is more like a 2x4 upside the head. Here's how I see it - she does have sexual energy and need for release as evidenced by agreeing to a hand now and then. 

And to one degree or another she is willing to give a hand now and then. 

Now I'm not knocking a good HJ, I love a good handy from an engaged and skilled operator. And I'm also down for reciprocating and lending a hand myself. 

But what I see taking place here is she has no yearning for joining bodies and becoming one flesh with you. She's willing to do the mechanics at an arm's length when she has run out of excuses and will to fight. What does she put more enthusiasm and into, giving you a HJ or scrubbing the toilet or scraping the burnt crusties off of the stove because they are all basically the same motion. 

I also want to reinforce SunCMars' assertion about ending this relationship. There is no cause for anger, hurt, resentment, bitterness, finger pointing etc etc here. Unless she is getting all her needs met elsewhere that you aren't aware of, there is no foul play here... you two simply aren't compatible and don't have the chemistry between you. Yes, break ups are sad and there will be some sadness and disappointment for awhile. 

But it will give each of you an opportunity for greater happiness and satisfaction with other people that are more compatible going forward. 

You both are young and have long lives ahead of you. These things tend to deteriorate more over time so is this really the path you want to go down for the next 50-60 years?


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Well as others will probably say and I should take my own advice but if you are having sex issues and you are only late 20s, GET THE HELL OUT NOW!!! Its not going to get any better. As least you can restart young and not like some of us old farts.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

ragriz769 said:


> More importantly, I have felt these things or that she was selfish in bed, but I wasn't confident in that assessment. Everyone's responses made everything clear and help me think I am not being too sensitive. I do appreciate it!! Thanks


I not sure selfish is the right word, at least not in the traditional sense. 

I'll go back to the 300 lb bearded woman, what would you do if the 300 lb bearded woman was always trying to get into your pants and climb on top of you??? Answer = you would institute a wide assortment of rules and conditions and requirements - 

- she would have to be freshly showered and just brushed her teeth. Her beard would have to be as neat and trimmed as possible. You couldn't be too tired or not feeling up to par but if you were feeling really energetic and lively, you would rather use that time to mow the lawn and change the oil in the car (ie other household tasks that you don't find as unappealing as getting down with a 300 lb bearded woman) 

You would have a list of things on your body that she couldn't touch. You would also likely have a laundry list of things you won't touch on her and won't do with her. You would have a very short list of things she could do and a very narrow window of conditions that she could do them. 

In short you would have a very long list of rules and conditions and requirements in order for anything to happen - and you would have a very short list of the things that you would do and a very restrictive set of requirements under which you would do them.

Now let's compare by contrast you are in the produce section of the grocery store and you run into Mila Kunis and she whispers in your ear that Ashton Kutcher is out of town and she is so horny and she wants to have sex with you RIGHT NOW. What rules, limits, restrictions and conditions are you going to put on that?? Will you push the broccoli and kale out of the way and bang her right there underneath that spray mister thingy because it would be worth the fine and the mugshots for indecent exposure charge???

Bottom line is people put rules and restrictions and conditions on people we are not attracted to insulate us from doing things we don't want to do in the first place. 

And throw rules and restrictions out the window and break rules to be with the people are attracted to to. 

So it's not that she is selfish in the classic sense. It is that she is putting up rules and walls and barriers to insulate herself from doing what she does not want to do with someone she does not want to do it with. It's not actual selfishness, it's just a very narrow window and tiny strike zone of what is acceptable to her.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Admittedly, we are all selfish.

If we were not, we could not do anything, without fear of offending others.
We could not eat, for fear of taking another life, even if that life is only semi-conscious.

We all have our needs, almost all of them involve others, other life forms.
These requisites need attaining, then maintaining.

A man wants what a woman has, but it is always, hers first, not anyone else s.
Men have a hard time getting past that.

I do. 

_The Typist_ does not.
................................................................................................

_The Creator _put goodies into us, and before us. 
Civilization then laid down the rules of engagement.
Conflict was then made inevitable.


_Are Dee-_


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

This marriage isn't going to work well. You are very young. I'd consider divorce before you go any further into the marriage.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

ragriz769 said:


> I understand from the books that women need affection, conversation, and commitment to really be fulfilled, but I am providing those things.


Her Uncle Bernard and Aunt Olivia can provide those things but that doesn't mean she will want to have sex with them. Heck a good dog can provide those things (in doggy language). 

This is where many men fall short. Women may (or may not) need those things to be "fulfilled," but those things do not necessarily provide sexual attraction and desire and in many ways they actually decrease sexual stimulation and arousal. 

Those things may make for a sound friendship and even roommate and definately a good dog. But they don't in and of themselves make a woman want to have sex with you or make her feel sexual attraction or desire.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Have you ever just said to her in a non angry way when she asks for you to get her off, I'll do you if you'll do me? And then if she just says no, just tell her then you can't really get too excited about doing her.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

I'll toss in my feedback as I used to have the same mentality (as in sex is only exciting with a partner that reciprocates with enthusiasm and an orgasm).

YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL that you are not forcing your wife to orgasm when she is not in the mood. Doing so can actually do some serious damage to her libido as it minimizes the pleasure of sex as something that is done more for your enjoyment. 

MALE ORGASM ≠ FEMALE ORGASM

Technically speaking the female ability to orgasm is likely far superior to that of males because they can have as many as they want. However that is combined with the notion that females (at least some report this) do not really have a drive to orgasm every single time (as in they are perfectly OK without one). For some it is more important to feel a strong emotional connection. 

Be aware that just as you enjoy to please your wife, she enjoys to please you as well. If you refuse her this because she may not be in the mood to orgasm, it may serve to give her performance anxiety or make her feel inadequate. 

In my opinion you should stop giving her orgasms with your hands. Perhaps limit that to foreplay and allowing an opportunity for her to get aroused (you may want to try edging her as well). Allow ample time for an emotional connection and then transition to PIV. If she wants more after that, THEN use your hands to go all the way. If not, then leave it at that! 

Badsanta


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

Could she be having an affair?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

@ragriz769 I got to hand it to you....
No, that would be cruel.

You have a hand in this situation, that she handily denies you.

Forget your hand or your penis.
Put your foot down.

Find out what her issues are.
This is only fair, as her issues are now yours.

She must change her tune or one of you must change your address.

After hearing her out, give her an ultimatum.

Its me and my poker friend, or you and divorce.

....................................................................

a) I suspect she hates the thought of _penis in vagina_, for whatever reason, she has this phobia.

b) Or, she holds a (hidden) and deep resentment towards, just you or mostly you.
Might this be true?

c) Or, is she a man-hater? A victim of abuse?


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