# is this a sign?



## soscrewedup (Apr 20, 2011)

My husband and I have been married for 7 years and have a wonderful child. But I cheated on him. I cheated on him a few times in the span of the 7 years with one man. Prob less than 7. And I feel at once horrible and relieved. I have done and read everything I could. I love my husband and I'm so incredibly sorry.

But here's the thing. I now find out he has been talking to this woman for the past 2 years and since he's found out about my affairs (5 months ago) on a daily (sometimes several times a day) basis. He tells me she's just a friend. She lives out of state so I don't believe anything has happened. No one here knows about my infidelity and we are just going thru life as if nothing has happened. We're polite and deal w/ the raising of our child. But I thought we were trying to re build something. 
He tells me he just needs an outlet, someone to talk to.

But it's breaking my heart. I know, I'm the bad guy, I'm the one that ruined us in the 1st place but does that mean I should be ok w/ this??? He hasn't decided one way or the other if he wants a divorce. He says he doesn't only b/c our child would be neglected of one parent or the other. And he admits that I'm a great mom. and he is a great dad. So for our child not to have both of us daily would be horrible. But he doesn't know if he can forgive me and/or ever love me again. 

I've asked him to stop talking to her b/c as long as he does, we can't hope to try to build anything. He is very resistant. I've asked him to seek therapy or at least talk to a male friend but he won't. 

So is this his passive aggressive way to leave? to make me get the divorce? 

I told him he has until the end of the month to stop talking to her or I file for divorce. Is that fair? I just can't handle seeing the phone log of all the calls, all that intimacy btwn them.

I don't want to lose him but I don't know what to do?

Help.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

I agree with Oaksthorne, two wrongs don't make a right. 

If he's been talking to this woman for the last 2 years, it's not just about punishing you. At least it didn't start that way, but now he probably feels justified. 

If he's talking to her, he's distancing himself from you and your marriage. If he wants to try and rebuild, then he needs to focus all his attention on that, then decide if he can forgive. Meanwhile, he's just keeping you around as child support, but not for his emotional support.

I struggle with this idea myself. In the initial weeks after d-day, if I had been in a friendship bordering on an EA, I would've turned to thme in a heartbeat out of hurt and anger. Now that I've had a few months, I can see more clearly that it wouldn't have been in my or family's best interest. Good luck!


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

It's "breaking" YOUR heart... huh? I wonder how he felt about your affair? I don't want to sound insensitive, but I guess your at the other end now.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Yeah, but as one who's been at both ends, it doesn't hurt any less, so he's kept on with this EA for the past two years, and he didn't find out about your indiscretions 5 months ago? Just as guilty as you, regardless of who did it first, he's just as guilty for putting your marriage in this state.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

Totally agree with paramore. The thing is that NOW she is feeling like **** for being cheated-on. Do you now see how this(affairs) REALLY hurts. People who cheat don't know **** until they get to feel the amount of pain BS goes through. Although I don't condone HIS cheating ways, I gotta say sometimes "payback IS a *****!"


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

ahhhmaaaan! said:


> People who cheat don't know **** until they get to feel the amount of pain BS goes through.


Agreed. 

Nonetheless, as long as either of you are having outside relationships, you have no marriage. 

You never mentioned...did you end your 7 yr affair already or not?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

What you are experiencing is unresolved shame and guilt over your own horrendous behavior. Before you can address what your husband is doing you have to address your own unresolved shame and guilt.

Am I being clear?


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I get what you are saying Ahhh, totally for sure, it hurts like hell.


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## soscrewedup (Apr 20, 2011)

I'm terrified he will continue and I have to hold up on my side and get a divorce. 
I know it's payback. I get it. But I have ended everything. There has been ZERO communication since Dday and I have no desire to. What I did was for my selfish, insecure self, but I never wanted to hurt him. 
I'm a complete mess. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I break down and cry several times a day. And he sees that and it does (or at least he says) that it does nothing. He feels nothing for me. No compassion. So that's why the 10 days. He is still talking to her. But if day 11 comes, I hope I have the strength to follow thru. I know that it means it's over and he has no desire to be with me. And that thought breaks my heart


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## soscrewedup (Apr 20, 2011)

Re: oaksthorne - I don't want to do any thing that will give him a sign that I don't want this relationship. I have checked into the laws here about divorce. But I want him to see my worth and value so I came home tonight in a pleasant mood. We watched a movie and all was fine. But I've just checked the call usuage and he did talk to her again, several times today. I told him I'd give him to the end of the month but every day I feel myself going a little more insane. He says to "just give him a minute" to end things. That he's not stupid, he realizes that if he wants there to be an us he needs to stop talking to her. But he "just needs a minute". WHY!!!??? And I know part of my craziness is due to my lack of sleep and food but I try to eat and it just makes me sick and as you can see I'm awake at 3 am. So I'm running on 5 hrs of sleep for the past 3 days. I just wish it was May 1st now so I'd know.


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## soscrewedup (Apr 20, 2011)

Re Runs like a dog
No, I don't really understand. Sorry.


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