# DELETED



## lovely_tiy (Dec 4, 2021)

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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

Many folks will be posting to you and some will be (ahem) fairly blunt. Best to be a bit calloused in deciphering the posts.

You are exactly what my wife (of 40+ years) was many decades ago. She could have written your post word for word.

Ok- playing by the rules - ya - you are legally married and the big BUT - you and your spouse agreed (as I interpret) to split legally and had laid plans to establish separate domicile. 

So I say "morally" you were separated on the way to a legal divorce. So #2 - don't beat yourself up for succumbing to temptation. It is good your conscience is bothering you and congratulations on fessing up.

Now if all the lies, insinuation, gaslighting etc. are ceased and truth only going forward, you have a LONG road to travel 
to get your marriage back on track - years even.

Get Linda MacDonald's book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" and read it a few times.

Your husband may profit with some impersonal conversation with a counselor - someone who is experienced in dealing with those who have strayed or been betrayed. In your case - I think it is splitting hairs to say you 'betrayed' him due to your planning for divorce. 

A common suggestion is to write out a timeline of your affair - two of them - one with all the details and one you could get by reading to an adult sunday school class. Offer him both. His choice to know.

A lot of folks make a big deal about "details" of sex - jeez! You want massive detail out the wazoo? look up "Porn" on the web - more than you would ever want to know. Just how different can the copulation be - we all have the same hardware and it works the same (90or better) for everyone. 

Your husband will likely have a thousand questions and will ask them over and over and rephrase some of them (intentionally or not) - so answer them every time. Don't change the facts. And if you later remember something - offer the new info - don't make him dig.

Get testing for STI/STD done and again in six months and again in another six months - BOTH of you. Even if you used prophylactic(s) Fun fact: about 20% of the US population has HERPES. And you can carry and not show symptoms. Men can carry HPV and give a woman life altering cervical cancer. 

Don't give up - I can post a few examples of women who strayed and years later got their man back. It happens.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Your husband pushed and he pushed, leaving you but little space.
He left you, but little wiggle room.
He wanted out, and wanted you out.

Alabama called.

Though Alabama was calling, another man noted and quickly took you somewhere else. 
While your husband left you little wiggle room, this man encouraged all the wiggle you had left.
You had one night of wiggling pleasure.

Yes, it was wrong, yes, you were still married.
Yes, you are sorry, yes you sound remorseful.

I understand your not wanting to hurt your husband, so you lied.
That was strike two. This was two times worse than that wiggling once.

As I see it, your husband did not want to divorce you, he did not want you to move to 'Bama'.

He does want to control you. 
He must control you.

He failed at that.
For years, he pushed and pushed and gave you no wiggle room.

A grown man staying in bed for three days for some emotional reason as this, is just more of that controlling.
He is trying to make you feel shame for your extra marital wiggling.

He wants you to beg for forgiveness and kowtow to his needs and his wants.
He wants you to fear him, and to fear his responses.

He is a sad man, and a poor example of a husband.

*You need to divorce him and start a new life, and never unjustly wiggle again.*

The consequences are not worth it.

You are 100% wrong when you did your cheating.

He is 100% an idiot for treating you like crap, and being a control freak.

Laying in bed for three days.
What grown man does this?

He drove you away, but did not (really) want you to leave.

I base this post on the story that you have laid out before us.




_Lilith-_


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

lovely_tiy said:


> based on my low self esteem and other internal factors,





lovely_tiy said:


> I thought that what I did wasn't considered cheating and I was in denial that I did the act. I never admitted it to myself or anyone else. I was numb about it due to what we have gone through in the past.





lovely_tiy said:


> I lied for months to myself and him about having sex with this guy. I made him feel dumb, betrayed, insecure, depressed, and many other things. Two days ago, I finally saw the light and realized how much of a bad person I was for having sex with someone while married even though he had made up his mind about the divorce.


Im 59. In my 30s I realized what a colossal pain in the azz woman is. Have never looked backed.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

You mentioned he gets violent. Now, while it's understandable that he is hurt, adults don't usually go to bed and cry for three days. He seems to have very little control over his emotions. I realize that I may sound callous, I'm sorry if that's the case, I don't mean it that way but I'm not sure how else to say this. 

A violent, emotionally out of control man is dangerous. A violent, emotionally out of control man who knows his anger is righteous is deadly. You can argue that you were separated, that you were desperate, but I would imagine you are correct, he's upset about the sex. My concern, and remember, I am a stranger on the internet, is that even if he says he'll forgive you, says that everything is ok, at any moment he could go off and you could end up hurt or dead. 

This relationship was damaged before you cheated. Now that you have violated his trust this way, I am not sure it can be fixed. 

I think leaving is the thing to do here. For you, for him. There's just too much to overcome. Even if he weren't emotional or violent, what you did to him is wrong, and even though you can make the argument that you thought it was over, you know that it was too soon for something like that. I mean, on some level, didn't you tell him about to assuage your own guilt? Because you know it was wrong. It's not fair to ask him to get over it. Put yourself in his shoes. And then imagine lying for months about it. Would you ever trust you again? And if you stay, will he go after the guy you cheated with? Did that guy know you were married? Is it right to put him in a position where a man could show up on his doorstep, violently angry, and blow up his whole life? His anger is going to have to go somewhere. I think it's time for you to go.


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## lovely_tiy (Dec 4, 2021)

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## lovely_tiy (Dec 4, 2021)

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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

lovely_tiy said:


> Yes. He has gotten violent with me in the past. He already went to see about this guy.. Back in March. He did extensive research and showed up at his doorstep. The guy knew I was married.. The night I ****ed up, I told the guy that my husband was leaving me. I told the guy that my husband was violent. He persisted to say "I'm not afraid" and all of this other stuff. When he showed up at his doorstep, he told me that he asked the guy if he slept with me in which the guy answered "no" and made up a lie of his own. I understand what I've done but I only ask for what to do next because my husband told me that although this will be difficult, he is willing to work to keep his family. He does not always know how to control his emotions and he knows. We have spoken to the VA and are working to get him medication. Us marrying while stationed in the army together so young has really been an eye opener...


I didn't realize he had already attacked you as well as was unfaithful to you. If he's been unfaithful to you and you forgave him, then he has very little room to judge you considering the rest of the circumstances. He can be hurt, and you've probably got some silent treatment coming, he'll of course need his space to grieve.

I still think you should leave, this relationship sounds dangerous. I'm an old woman and I can tell you, you cannot fix another person, and the only person who can reform a bad boy is the boy himself, when HE decides it's time to be a man. But you're a grown woman, it's of course your decision.

Thank you, sincerely, to both of you for your service to our country. Your bravery and sacrifices are appreciated by every American. Thank you for helping to keep our country safe.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Ok, let’s wind back. He clearly stated he wanted a divorce, the marriage was over and he didn’t care if you met someone else?

1. What led to this?
2. What steps, if any, were taken to get a divorce happening?


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## lovely_tiy (Dec 4, 2021)

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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

This relationship is a train wreck.
He’s beat the geek out of you in the past?
He’s cheated on you?
He’s controlling ??
He pushed you to move out of the home and now he’s pissed you boinked another guy?

There’s no way this is ever going to be a good relationship. Your husband isn’t capable of one.

however, you’re a poor liar. Neither one of you finished because it wasn’t that enjoyable? Either you’re truly horrible in bed, or at least one of you most definitely “finished”….
Come on now.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

lovely_tiy said:


> 1. Sorry for not including information but he wanted a divorce because he couldn't handle the work it would take to repair our relationship from all that he has done. He said that he felt numb and felt himself not caring about us anymore. He had almost killed me twice due to his anger/rage problem. He has kicked me out and locked me out of my home. He has lied to me numerous times along with being controlling. Cheating was present but he'll never admit to it. He is an angry person but I met him like this. I knew who he was prior to marrying him so I blame myself for all of these factors. He always threatened to leave me since the beginning of our marriage when he would do something bad towards me.
> 
> 2. I'm not sure what exactly he was doing on his part but I moved to the extra bedroom and was making arrangements with my family to move back to my hometown. I asked if he would prefer a separation or divorce and he said "I'm done with this and cannot do it anymore so a divorce would make sense." We talked about how we would split the finances and who would take what vehicle. Things were moving fast and I just didn't want to be in his presence due to his selfishness so while he stated that I didn't have to move out so quickly, I wanted to for my wellbeing. The moment I left the house to meet with the guy, that's when he changed his mind. I was set to leave for my hometown in two days. So in theory, if I had just minded my business and not had sex with this guy, we would have been split in different states.
> 
> ...


Thanks for filling those gaps. To clarify another point, you had already met this guy before on some level before sleeping with him? The timeline indicates a sexual encounter fairly quickly after moving out. So forgive me if I’ve missed something, but how long were you in contact with the OM and did this lead to your husband’s request for a divorce?

Meaning, had you been texting, messaging, calling or meeting with this guy for any period of time before it became physical? (How long?) And that’s when your husband became controlling? And violent?


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## lovely_tiy (Dec 4, 2021)

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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Too much harm within the marriage. Just proceed with the divorce.
You two hurt each other way too much. And the violence … you shouldn’t have ever stayed after abuse. So help yourself and your future and divorce him.


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## lovely_tiy (Dec 4, 2021)

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## lovely_tiy (Dec 4, 2021)

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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

why are you with him now? out of guilt??? Because you are trying to get him to forgive you and tell you it's ok? Because you don't want to feel bad about yourself? Because you want to make him not hate you or be angry with you anymore?

You two were already headed out the door before this came about,,,, so what makes you think this will work out now that this additional layer of dysfunction and complexity and bad blood has been added to the mix? 

You two were separating and heading for divorce for perfectly valid reasons. Do you somehow think this is going to "save" this train wreck of a marriage? 

Are you putting your faith and perhaps your own safety into a belief in magic or voodoo or something??


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Stay then. You know you are staying in a completely broken relationship.
Have it your way. Get professional counseling. He won’t change - abusive men rarely do.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

It’s clear that she met the guy before, so this may have led to ‘the end’. A controlling partner? Or a simple story of cheating? We can only assume his side of the story 🤷🏻‍♀️


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lovely_tiy requested that her account be closed down.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

manowar said:


> Im 59. In my 30s I realized what a colossal pain in the azz woman is. * Have never looked backed.*


Thank you for this ever so valuable contribution. On behalf of women worldwide, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You may return to your regularly scheduled program of "I hate women".


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