# Lost and Confused.



## WaningHope (Mar 18, 2012)

Not even sure where or how to start this, either then to say I'm so lost and so confused on everything that it has me turned and twisted around in knots.

I feel as if I'm caught in between a rock and a hard place. On one hand, I don't want to give up on our relationship and on the other, I can't help but wonder if it wouldn't be better for the both of us.

I've been married 7 years to a good guy. He's fundamentally a kind person, smart and interesting. However, he's also messed up. Don't get me wrong, I'm messed up as well, I know it all too well, but I'll get into that shortly.

He has what I've dubbed as 'muted' emotions. He understands happiness, anger, etc basically, but anything more, like joy and such he doesn't. And perhaps that's part of why he's been able to put up with me. I dunno.

I'm messed up in that I'm disabled, suffer from depression, and several physical ailments that make me unable to work and deal with most people. And until recently, I wasn't able to help out much around the house due to compounded injuries... tho I've always tried my best. 

Anyways... we've had problems for years. He's lazy, doesn't do what he says he will most of the time and when he does it's half-assed. As well he's a borderline compulsive liar. Even when he knows I won't be too upset over things, he will still lie. However, I've been too depressed and stuck in trying to get myself healthy to really have the energy to see these as big of problems as they are. Not until recently was I able to stand up and go, 'Hey, this needs to be fixed.' And not let the issues just be forgotten and be dismissed without solution.

I can't just continue to let this happen... his laziness is to the point that it puts me, him and our pets into jeopardy. His lack of cleaning gets to the point where it could and most likely has made me sick. And honestly I'm just glad we haven't been able to have kids because of this. And while I know that part of him resents me for not being able to help him, neither has he tried to help me get well enough to be able to help as much as I would like to. When I try to diet, he still brings home junk food, and other stuff. When I try to exercise he isn't willing to come on walks with me or other things. 

And just recently I found out he is no longer sexually attracted to me and hasn't been for roughly 4 years. Ever since we've gotten married, I've been gaining weight, partly due to my disabilities and due to complacency on my part. But apparently my weight has gotten to the point about 4 years ago that he's just not attracted anymore. He says he still has had sex with me because he enjoys pleasuring me, because it makes him feel good when he succeeds in doing so. However... it's been about 4 years now since he's been having problems in the bedroom. And I was certain that it was me. Of course he would always tell me that it wasn't because of me, things just didn't want to work.... However obviously that's not the case with this coming to light. So not only is he not attracted to me, he's been lying to me about it!

Also during one of our conversations I found out that he is fine with the idea of me having sex with other guys and is in fact turned on by this idea (as long as I tell him about it). This left me quite stunned tbh. He didn't used to feel that way and I suspect that it started around the time he lost his attraction to me.

During the course of trying to fix these things wrong in our marriage, I've been trying to talk to him a lot. Trying to sort things out and see how he feels for certain, and I just don't feel that he loves me the way that he should.

He knows that part of our marriage working out hinges on him taking care of our animals (cats and geckos, and only a couple of each) and cleaning. But he hasn't made any changes regarding that since finding it out even though he says he will.

And except for the fact that I've insisted on trying he was willing to give up already. Saying that 'he just hurts me' and such. I mean it sounds nice, and good and I appreciate that he seems to at least care that much, but it feels like a cop out.

I've mentioned seeing a marriage counsellor, but due to the costs of seeing one, he doesn't want to go. We don't make a lot of money, but he's not even willing to try. Only way he'll go is if I can find one that doesn't cost anything.

He doesn't understand the idea of loving people out of relationships... like from what he's expressed, what he's felt towards family is not love. Nor for friends. Just like.

And when I've asked him what he wants out of our relationship, he says that he wants me as a companion to go through life with. And that's all that he can think of saying. 

I'm afraid he doesn't understand what love really is, and worried that the love he thinks he feels for me is not the right sort...

As for me... I love him, but lately I don't know if I'm in love with him. We haven't had sex since I found out about this loss of attraction. I just... can't seem to find interest in being sexual with him, knowing he's not attracted to me. And this is quite...different...and frustrating for me. I have a very high libido, and I did get used to his lower sex drive mostly, but it's still always been there. But now... it just fizzles when I think about it with him and think about what he feels about me.

And there's another complication to this picture. I've been struggling with feelings for another person. I developed a friendship with someone, and they're the one that's been helping me through all of this. I've been able to talk to them about everything really and they've stuck around. Something that's incredibly rare, at least for me. And these feelings started developing before I woke up to the depth of the problems with my husband.

This other person, doesn't know I have these feelings as far as I know and I don't know if he feels the same for me. I know he at least considers me a close friend, but that's all that I know. 

We've spent many days and many hours just talking as well, about anything and everything, even though we're both not exactly talkative people. We share interests in things and I find him mature and interesting. 

Beyond the fact I'm married, there's other problems however with this. It's online that I know him (tho we do voice chat, and I've seen him on cam) and he lives in a different country then I do. Same continent at least. 

Now normally this goes against everything I believe and feel. I'm not one to end up with feelings for another while in a committed relationship... but it's happened. And I've always had a firm/strict belief that online/long distance relationships are bad. However... I can't help these feelings. No matter what I tell myself, they're still here.

Also- my husband is completely aware of this. I tell my husband literally everything, I am open and honest in every single manner, despite the fact he lies to me so easily. He was in fact the first person to know of this when I realized it, tho it did take a bit to realize.

Anyways, in summary, I don't know what to do... Is my marriage worth trying to save? Would my husband and I be better off not being together anymore? What should I do about how I feel for this friend of mine? Should I tell him, or keep it quiet?

I really could use some advice.


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## WaningHope (Mar 18, 2012)

Would really appreciate SOMEONE's help, please. I've NO one to turn to that has any similar idea to this.

Just... please...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The following is not meant to be an attack on you or a put down.. it's meant to be a real kick in the pants to you to get you to do what you need to do.....

It’s frustrating that your husband will not do things like go on a walk with you. But you are going to have to find the will to do the things you need to do on your own. It’s hard at first but you have to in order to get your healthy back. One thing that works well is to get a stationary bike and ride it while watching TV. The distraction of the TV makes the exercise much easier to do. I read a story once of a woman who lost something like 100 lbs. She started out with 5 minutes a day on her exercise bike in front of the TV and slowly built up a good hour or more workouts daily on the bike.

Since you do not say how much weight you gained and how much you weigh, its hard to know if your husband is being mean about your weight gain or if he has a legitimate gripe.

I do not understand some of the things you complain about that he does not do. You rely on your husband to work to support you and to do everything around the house. If you can walk for exercise, why can’t you do a lot of the things around the house? Housework is wonderful exercise by the way. When I get down sweeping and mopping my entire house I feel like I ran a mile or two. Surely there are things that you can do around your house.

Now on to your online friend... You are absolutely right that this kind of relationship is not a good idea. You have no idea who this guy really is. Even talking to him on the phone and seeing videos, you have no idea. Is he married or with another woman? The feelings you have for him are not real in that you don’t know the real ‘him’. People are notorious for making up personalities and life stories and playing with people on line. You have no idea how many other women he is doing the same with. I know one man who would have 5 chat windows open, chatting with 5 women and a time, telling each one of them how much he loved her, how wonderful he is, etc etc. 

Spending time on the computer only means that you are spending more time in fantasy, ignoring your health, your husband, your real life, and your house work.

And the worse thing is that you are cheating on your husband. Your husband goes to work every day to support you, he does things around the house.. not perfectly but he does some things. And you repay him by complaining about him and having an online affair. This does not speak well of you. My husband is just like this… he stays home all day on the computer, plays games and has online affairs/cybering. He complains about everyone else but hardly lifts a finger himself. I divorced him last week. It’s what he deserved.

So what are you going to do when your husband gets tired of you disrespecting him by having an online affair not complaining about him while he does all that is done to support you and your household? How are you going to support yourself? You really need to think about this because it’s real. You need to develop some interests outside of the home and off that computer. You need to get job skills so that you can support yourself. 

Sorry if this seems too harsh, I know that your husband I not perfect and has flaws, we all do. But he is at least working right? He is supporting you right?


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I would mostly agree with the last poster. I dont think the online affair is that bad. Your husband knows about it and I dont think you seriously consider it will ever come to anything its just a bit of diversion for you. It sounds like you nag him a lot. Calling him lazy although you dont seem to do anything. And telling him all the time what to do and not giving him the children he wants. I dont think you need a marriage counsellor, but you need to get a grip on yourself. Just imagine that you dont have a way out which is called today divorce and you have to be with him all your life, would you make any changes. Do you realise he has a lot to put up with, with all your ailments and disabilities. Most men couldnt and would drop you very quickly. Try and make life easier for him and you will gain by it. If he works he is entitled to the food he likes.


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## WaningHope (Mar 18, 2012)

I understand where you're coming from, and I can see why you would think what you do. I would too.

However, the reason I can't do housework, is because of my disabilities. I have scoliosis, recurring tendonitis of both wrists, genu vulga, and weak rotator cuffs. I may have forgotten something in there. I can't stand still for any length of time, and anything that takes bending or the use of my back muscles leaves me in pain so bad that T3's won't work over half the time. 

Believe me, I try, I do all the things I am physically capable of doing. And a bit more, but that often ends up in my being injured from pushing my limits too far.

I began working on my health more recently tho, before I even found out that he had lost attraction for me. Now that my back injury had healed enough to allow me to. I've been walking and swimming as much as possible. Unfortunately due to money constraints I'm limited to very low cost options.

And I don't ignore my husband when I'm on the computer. I used to try to play games with him, ask him to do other activities all the time. (he's even more into the computer and video games then I am) Unfortunately, he only ever wants to do stuff that are one-player or stuff I don't like. (even tho I have still tried to do what he likes no matter how much I can't stand it.) He doesn't try to give anything I want to do a try. I'm only on the computer as much as I am because trying to talk or communicate with him is nearly impossible. I get ignored, or talked over like what I wasn't even speaking in the first place.

And the stuff he does around the house? I have to nag him into doing it. I don't want to, and I've tried everything. I've asked nicely, pleaded, begged, gotten angry... etc... to the point now I can barely even nag at him for it. I just don't have the energy. He's promised me time and time again he will get better, but he never fills that promise. He knows he has a problem with being lazy but doesn't care enough to change it.

He puts zero effort into everything. Including our relationship.

Tonight he admitted that he doesn't even feel bad about lying to me, UNLESS I catch him. He thinks it's fine to lie to me because he's trying to 'spare my feelings', even tho often the lie is something to cover up that he did wrong. And admitted even tho he knows how I feel about lying, he most likely will still lie to me in the future.

I'm trying to become healthier, go back to school, find a job that my depression will allow me to work in, etc, but his support is nil. Even when I went on a diet, and he knew I was trying to break my junk food addiction, he came home and handed me a muffin. Any career field I can think of, he only has negative things to say. And for him, he only likes his job because he can be lazy at it. He's admitted this openly. He doesn't like his bosses, doesn't like the work, but won't look for anything better. Even when I did job searching for him, he wouldn't even try to put in resumes or contact them. He won't further his education either.

As for the person I like... I understand what you mean in regards to people like that. I've known people like that and I assure, he gives me no reason to think he likes me the way that I've been struggling with towards him. We just talk in general. Not to say that it's not possible he's not who he says he is, but he's tried nothing with me, and I, nothing with him.

My husband tho actually is not the one supporting us. My disability coverage is what supports us, he only works to make a small amount of extra money. Not to say I'm ungrateful for the fact he does, it's just the way it is.



accept said:


> And telling him all the time what to do and not giving him the children he wants.


I don't exactly do nothing, as I stated above. I help out where I can with chores, and beyond that, I'm the one who handles all the other aspects. I handle our finances, paying bills, making sure that stuff isn't left too long, that sort of thing. Honestly, if I were to NOT ask him to do things, they wouldn't get done. 

As for children, it's not through choice that we don't have them. For whatever reason, we've been unable to have them and he isn't even sure he wants children. He leans towards, not having them in fact.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

So this paints now a broader picture. I wonder if you show him your posts here and their replies. He is in the marriage because of your disability coverage. Youre in it because you cant fend for yourself. Youre trying to make him 'better' where he sees no need to. 
I can only repeat my earlier post please read it again. If you have to stay with him forever what would you do. 
I would say accept who he is, dont try to improve him he wont, improve yourself if you can, otherwise keep him happy with what he is at present. Dont worry so much about what needs to be done, if it doesnt the world wont fall in or the sky fall down.


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## WaningHope (Mar 18, 2012)

Thanks for your input, but I'm sorry, I don't know anyone that has even the smallest shred of self respect that would be okay with being in a marriage where you're shown no love and are lied to constantly.

And he's not satisfied with our life either, he's just not willing to try to improve it, in the slightest.

And if I was stuck with things exactly the way they are for the rest of my life? With him showing no caring in way of actions, and only had empty words for me? I'd rather not think of what I'd do then. 

With my depression it's hard for me to think of having even the smallest bit of worth... but even I realize I deserve to be shown love.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Thanks for your quick reply. You are not shown self respect and are lied to I suppose knowing from my own experience is that he is scared to tell you the truth and therefore gets used to lying and in the end lies about everything. Do you shout at him when something goes wrong. Do you treat him as though you would want him to treat you. Are you a team. Or are you a slave driver. In which way is he not satisfied. Are you sure or is it just what you think. Most people who are not satisfied do try to improve things. Can you tell us what you do for him apart from providing him with money.


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## WaningHope (Mar 18, 2012)

In the beginning, when he lied to me, I would of course get mad, but I wouldn't yell or scream at him. I always spoke calmly, tried to reason with him. Tried to get to the root of why he felt the need to lie to me when he knew that the things he did wrong weren't even things that would upset me very much. Sure I'd be bothered, but I make mistakes, and I wasn't about to go off on him for making mistakes as long as he was willing to work on it and try not to make them again. I live by the idea of living and learning.

He's gotten better with the lying, but it's still there and it's worn my ability to trust him down to nothing.

I also live by the philosophy of treating others as you wish to be treated. So as it was, even when he was lazy, did the things that drove me crazy, I'd talk to him. Discuss it, ask him nicely to please not do it again. However the things he does are the same mistakes over and over again. 

For example, our cats are very important, to the both of us, but if I left him to care for them on his own, he would end up killing them through neglect.

And we made a deal a long time ago, that since I couldn't do the physical work, I would do all the mental stuff, including reminding him. I was fine with this... until he started not ever listening. I'd mention something needing to be done, he'd say he'd do it later... and then never did. Over and over again, it's a repeating cycle. Of course I have lost my temper with him because of this, but it did take awhile because he wore me down.

He's not satisfied at our quality of life, how little money we make, his job, etc. But again, he's made no effort to change this, even when I've done research for him and everything else but actually do it.

Once upon a time, I was affectionate, attentive, gave him gifts (even when I had to make them since we've always had so little money), but when he stopped returning the affection and pushing me away I've become used to not showing it anymore. And sexually, I've always been attentive to him. I would pretty much pleasure him nightly. 

Now he's not exactly terrible, as he's put up with the negatives that come from my depression and I do consider him my best friend. But a marriage is much more then just friendship...


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

This could go on forever. I think I should better let others first reply. I dont think you have understood a word I have said. You are seeing everything from your point of view and nothing from his. Since I am sure although you havent replied to this that you show him these posts perhaps he can come on giving his take and it may be the first time you have heard his view.


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## WaningHope (Mar 18, 2012)

Oh I've understood perfectly, and I answered your questions exactly as they are asked. 

Also, I may not have shown him these posts, but I have spoken to him about everything in them. I have tried discussing things with him time and time again. So I've heard his point of view... when he deigns to give it.

And when I ask him what complaints he might have, he's only ever mentioned my weight and my problems with being able to physically contribute, BUT that he also knows why I can't. Since he comes with me to every doctor's appointment, he knows exactly what I can or cannot do.

-In case I cannot make it any clearer, I involve him in every part of my life. Everything I do is open to him, and I encourage spending time together, doing things together and for both of us to get involved in each other's interests, etc. He knows everything about me. And I give him plenty of chances to speak to me on his views, thoughts, etc. despite the fact he doesn't think about stuff much. And those are his words, not mine. It takes me asking him, and stumbling upon the exact right questions to get answers.


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