# Will we be able to trust again?



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Recently I have been wondering for myself and I have heard this question come up in conersations. There are a lot of us here for the same reason- we were left by our spouse for one reason or another or our marriages are ending because of some sort of betrayal by the other spouse. I know we are all at different stages in the process of breaking up but I guess what I'd like to know is after we have healed and discovered who we really are and we are ready to enter into new relationships will we ever be able to trust another spouse/partner/significant other the way we once trusted before this happened to us? Any thoughts out there?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

smallsteps said:


> Recently I have been wondering for myself and I have heard this question come up in conersations. There are a lot of us here for the same reason- we were left by our spouse for one reason or another or our marriages are ending because of some sort of betrayal by the other spouse. I know we are all at different stages in the process of breaking up but I guess what I'd like to know is after we have healed and discovered who we really are and we are ready to enter into new relationships will we ever be able to trust another spouse/partner/significant other the way we once trusted before this happened to us? Any thoughts out there?


Actually, yes.

Once you see through yourself, you can see through others.

The red flags literally jump out at you.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Do you feel you can trust yourself?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

06Daddio08 said:


> Do you feel you can trust yourself?


Me personally - no - its too soon.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

*Re: Re: Will we be able to trust again?*



smallsteps said:


> Me personally - no - its too soon.


Trust starts and ends with you, others may have influenced it in the past but you're on a different path now. If you cannot trust in yourself to make the best decisions for you, trusting others isn't possible.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

smallsteps said:


> Recently I have been wondering for myself and I have heard this question come up in conersations. There are a lot of us here for the same reason- we were left by our spouse for one reason or another or our marriages are ending because of some sort of betrayal by the other spouse. I know we are all at different stages in the process of breaking up but I guess what I'd like to know is after we have healed and discovered who we really are and we are ready to enter into new relationships will we ever be able to trust another spouse/partner/significant other the way we once trusted before this happened to us? Any thoughts out there?


I think it depends on the person.

I know that for me, I will never blindly trust anyone again. I don't think this is a bad thing. My thoughts about marriage have also changed greatly. There is an innocence/naivity that is sort of stripped from you after a divorce. You never really look at things the same way again.

At least, I don't.

I am much more realistic (or is that cynical?) now and I seriously doubt I'd ever want to remarry.


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

I've thought about this a good bit. At the beginning of my marriage I trusted my stbxh implicitly. Over the past year, I didn't trust him at all. Absolutely nothing. I was miserable living that way.
I don't think I want to go back to trusting someone no matter what though.
It scares me that I may not trust again. But I think too that I haven't really talked to anyone yet that I would want to place my trust in. Those fears may go away when I meet someone worth trusting.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

In simple terms- yes you will. Otherwise your X will have won. And thats one thing he will never do in my eyes- beat me down emotionally ever again.

However, although I'm into a new relationship, I'm more clearly aware of Red Flags and still actively looking for them even if NM is totally different to the STBXH- more calm, measured and happy in his own skin if that makes any sense.

Equally I love my time alone as much as I love spending time with NM.

We'll have to see what the future holds, but for now, I'm learning that trust is a 2 way street rather than my STBXH just expecting it.

All good fun!


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## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

I think for me it will be a matter of knowing the red flags and having someone earn my trust.

I trusted my STBXH implicitly from day one. His first affair was like getting hit by a train...and although we tried to repair the M, he could talk the talk, but not walk the walk and I never regained my trust in him. So his 2nd affair was a surprise but not the earth shattering, life changing event the first one was.

I hope to continue to improve myself, trust my instincts, and hopefully be able to trust another again in a long term relationship (no more MARRIAGE for me!!)


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

DeMello (I think) says that we don't trust others.

We trust in our *judgement *of others.

So it comes down to trusting our own judgements about someone.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

ThreeStrikes said:


> DeMello (I think) says that we don't trust others.
> 
> We trust in our *judgement *of others.


Gospel truth.

AND... once we are able to take note (and own) our own pos tendencies, the urge to airbrush the pos tendencies of others goes to zero.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Gospel truth.
> 
> AND... once we are able to take note (and own) our own pos tendencies, the urge to airbrush the pos tendencies of others goes to zero.


My single/divorced friends tell me about a "bs meter" that as I heal from what this has done to me and I learn about myself I will be able to sense when I'm being "bs'd". They also say as I grow that I will find my tolerance for it will become less & less. Am I on the right track?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

smallsteps said:


> My single/divorced friends tell me about a "bs meter" that as I heal from what this has done to me and I learn about myself I will be able to sense when I'm being "bs'd". They also say as I grow that I will find my tolerance for it will become less & less. Am I on the right track?


Depends on what you learn about you.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Depends on what you learn about you.


Oh I have a lot to learn about me - that's going to take some time


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

smallsteps said:


> Oh I have a lot to learn about me - that's going to take some time


There's no rush.

Stay @50,000 feet, observe your own reactions, and share them.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Conrad said:


> There's no rush.
> 
> Stay @50,000 feet, observe your own reactions, and share them.


Will do. 

I already know I've got a bad habit of being self-depricating and I need to stop second guessing myself and worrying about what other people are thinking about me - I was told that by a friend last night.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> My single/divorced friends tell me about a "bs meter" that as I heal from what this has done to me and I learn about myself I will be able to sense when I'm being "bs'd". They also say as I grow that I will find my tolerance for it will become less & less. Am I on the right track?


I really, really hope this is true! Trust for me in the past was always automatic. Now I feel like a piece of me is gone, because I dont think that will ever happen again. I am terrified. I go through brief moments where I really wish to find someone again, but then the pain of what my ex did to me hits, and I want to dive under the nearest table or bed. The last two men in my life betrayed me, actually, with my XH causing the most damage. I have always prided myself on being able to BE myself, always, so now I am not sure that is going to be possible any more. If I fell for bullsh!t before, what is there to keep it from happening again? Thats why I hope that these people telling you this are correct, I hope I can now see those red flags. I'm too afraid to get close enough to be able to for now.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

3Xnocharm said:


> I really, really hope this is true! Trust for me in the past was always automatic. Now I feel like a piece of me is gone, because I dont think that will ever happen again. I am terrified. I go through brief moments where I really wish to find someone again, but then the pain of what my ex did to me hits, and I want to dive under the nearest table or bed. The last two men in my life betrayed me, actually, with my XH causing the most damage. I have always prided myself on being able to BE myself, always, so now I am not sure that is going to be possible any more. If I fell for bullsh!t before, what is there to keep it from happening again? Thats why I hope that these people telling you this are correct, I hope I can now see those red flags. I'm too afraid to get close enough to be able to for now.


3x... have you had the moment where you realized your contribution to your own struggles?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> I really, really hope this is true! Trust for me in the past was always automatic. Now I feel like a piece of me is gone, because I dont think that will ever happen again. I am terrified. I go through brief moments where I really wish to find someone again, but then the pain of what my ex did to me hits, and I want to dive under the nearest table or bed. The last two men in my life betrayed me, actually, with my XH causing the most damage. I have always prided myself on being able to BE myself, always, so now I am not sure that is going to be possible any more. If I fell for bullsh!t before, what is there to keep it from happening again? Thats why I hope that these people telling you this are correct, I hope I can now see those red flags. I'm too afraid to get close enough to be able to for now.


Me too - even with a childhood that should have caused me not to trust people (someone pointed that out to me recently  ) I did trust everybody. Its just who I was - I saw the good in everyone. Like you - what happened to me shook me to my core & left me with major trust issues that I hate!! That's why I started this thread today - I was hoping to see what other people thought & get some good advise.

Oh and my part in this I guess was my rug-sweeping. My stbxh was a habitual liar. I saw him lie to family - friends- co workers & strangers. I chose to believe he would NEVER lie to me - I was his wife after all. I would cover for him - that was so against my nature but he was my husband - I defended him & backed him up. Wow - was I so wrong!!!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Conrad said:


> 3x... have you had the moment where you realized your contribution to your own struggles?


No, there has been no big A-HA moment for me, but I'm working on it. Too passive. Too trusting. Love too easily. The list is growing.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

3Xnocharm said:


> No, there has been no big A-HA moment for me, but I'm working on it. Too passive. Too trusting. Love too easily. The list is growing.


When you get to "why" you do those things, you'll be getting closer.

If you want to lay it out there in a thread, it may help.

I'm sure you'll get no shortage of opinions


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> No, there has been no big A-HA moment for me, but I'm working on it. Too passive. Too trusting. Love too easily. The list is growing.


Sounds like you're a people pleaser - thats not a bad thing but it could be dangerous if you dont have boundaries. Now why do you think you're like that?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> Sounds like you're a people pleaser - thats not a bad thing but it could be dangerous if you dont have boundaries. Now why do you think you're like that?


You know, I have never considered myself a people pleaser. I've been non confrontational my whole life, maybe thats a form of people pleasing? I have started to find my voice and my backbone in the last couple of years or so, but it did me no good in my last brief marriage.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Conrad said:


> There's no rush.
> 
> Stay @50,000 feet, observe your own reactions, and share them.


Ok I think I just saw the connection you were going for when you asked me about my childhood. I am a people pleaser too (with no boundaries). The lightbulb went off when I was typing the answer to 3x's post - I just wanted peace in my life as a kid. My parents argued throughout my life - all the turmoil with my siblings - all I wanted was calm. I would do what I could to "keep the peace". When I got married -same premise - my husband had a jealous explosive personality - I just wanted to keep the peace - not make any waves. Maybe I was too nice & too accommodating???


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> You know, I have never considered myself a people pleaser. I've been non confrontational my whole life, maybe thats a form of people pleasing? I have started to find my voice and my backbone in the last couple of years or so, but it did me no good in my last brief marriage.


Maybe - it came to me as I was responding to you that it may be my problem too. We sound very similar.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

smallsteps said:


> Ok I think I just saw the connection you were going for when you asked me about my childhood. I am a people pleaser too (with no boundaries). The lightbulb went off when I was typing the answer to 3x's post - I just wanted peace in my life as a kid. My parents argued throughout my life - all the turmoil with my siblings - all I wanted was calm. I would do what I could to "keep the peace". When I got married -same premise - my husband had a jealous explosive personality - I just wanted to keep the peace - not make any waves. Maybe I was too nice & too accommodating???


Standing up for yourself doesn't have to involve anger.

In fact, it's much more effective if it does not.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I will be listening to my gut more in the future. My XH lied at the beginning of our relationship about something, and I remember thinking then that I should probably not keep seeing him. (it was a lie by omission, which turned out to be his specialty) But it wasnt something big, so I decided that it would be a silly reason to stop seeing someone who I was crazy about. I wont be making that mistake again.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Standing up for yourself doesn't have to involve anger.
> 
> In fact, it's much more effective if it does not.


Oh I realize that but maybe the occasional "no I'm not comfortable with that" or "no that's not what I want to do" or a " lets discuss this" ( i could go on & on) instead of "oh yeah sure - no problem " should have come out of my mouth once in a while.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

smallsteps said:


> Oh I realize that but maybe the occasional "no I'm not comfortable with that" or "no that's not what I want to do" or a " lets discuss this" ( i could go on & on) instead of "oh yeah sure - no problem " should have come out of my mouth once in a while.


Steps,

What I'm saying is that when a childhood home has so much anger associated with it, we overcompensate - thinking other people won't like us if we object.

The reverse is true.

When we stand for ourselves, others like us more.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> I will be listening to my gut more in the future. My XH lied at the beginning of our relationship about something, and I remember thinking then that I should probably not keep seeing him. (it was a lie by omission, which turned out to be his specialty) But it wasnt something big, so I decided that it would be a silly reason to stop seeing someone who I was crazy about. I wont be making that mistake again.


That is one thing I am learning to to - listen to that gut instinct!!!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Steps,
> 
> What I'm saying is that when a childhood home has so much anger associated with it, we overcompensate - thinking other people won't like us if we object.
> 
> ...


I think I get it now - you are 100% right. I need to learn to stand by what I believe in - correct??


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

smallsteps said:


> I think I get it now - you are 100% right. I need to learn to stand by what I believe in - correct??


Yes - as long as you remain in emotional control - people will actually like and respect you more if you stand up.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Yes - as long as you remain in emotional control - people will actually like and respect you more if you stand up.


I'm almost 100% Italian you know how hard that's going to be for me?!  just kidding. I understand what your saying - I don't have to scream- get angry - be rude -jump up and down or get in someone's face to stand up for myself. I just need to state - firmly but politely- what I believe in or what I feel is best for me. Am I getting there?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

smallsteps said:


> I'm almost 100% Italian you know how hard that's going to be for me?!  just kidding. I understand what your saying - I don't have to scream- get angry - be rude -jump up and down or get in someone's face to stand up for myself. I just need to state - firmly but politely- what I believe in or what I feel is best for me. Am I getting there?


It's simpler than that.

If you're not ok with something, tell them.

It doesn't have to be flowery or eloquent.

Even though it's simple, don't expect it to be easy (at first)


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Conrad said:


> It's simpler than that.
> 
> If you're not ok with something, tell them.
> 
> ...


I get it - I understand that it wont be easy at first - my self confidence has taken a big hit (not that it was great in the first place). I guess as I build that - it will be easier to do.

Sorry - just having one of those days today where my emotions are all over the place.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

smallsteps said:


> I get it - I understand that it wont be easy at first - my self confidence has taken a big hit (not that it was great in the first place). I guess as I build that - it will be easier to do.
> 
> Sorry - just having one of those days today where my emotions are all over the place.


Keep posting.

We'll work through it.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Keep posting.
> 
> We'll work through it.


Thanks  . I went to bed in a good frame of mind and slept ok but woke up feeling like a dark cloud was hanging over my head. So far this morning ive been sad - angry & overwhelmed. Im having a hard time getting my thoughts together which is driving me crazy. I hate that feeling.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> Thanks  . I went to bed in a good frame of mind and slept ok but woke up feeling like a dark cloud was hanging over my head. So far this morning ive been sad - angry & overwhelmed. Im having a hard time getting my thoughts together which is driving me crazy. I hate that feeling.


Sorry you feel that way....


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

smallsteps said:


> Thanks  . I went to bed in a good frame of mind and slept ok but woke up feeling like a dark cloud was hanging over my head. So far this morning ive been sad - angry & overwhelmed. Im having a hard time getting my thoughts together which is driving me crazy. I hate that feeling.


Do you remember the first time you ever felt that way?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Do you remember the first time you ever felt that way?


I don't specifically. I can say the first time I remember feeling this intense swing of emotions and "dark cloud" was in 2006 after my first miscarriage. The disbelief - anger at myself- sadness - overwhelming feelings were something I had never remembered feeling before. I worked through them at that time. I didn't feel those emotions again until now - well I should say when he left.


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

I have had trust issues off and on in my life. Not sure at this point if I even want another relationship. I think I will be just fine by myself. 

My WS can look me in the eye and lie. I know he is lying but if I dispute it, he accuses me of attacking him. Go figure.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

pollywog said:


> I have had trust issues off and on in my life. Not sure at this point if I even want another relationship. I think I will be just fine by myself.
> 
> My WS can look me in the eye and lie. I know he is lying but if I dispute it, he accuses me of attacking him. Go figure.


Why do you allow him to do that?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

smallsteps said:


> I don't specifically. I can say the first time I remember feeling this intense swing of emotions and "dark cloud" was in 2006 after my first miscarriage. The disbelief - anger at myself- sadness - overwhelming feelings were something I had never remembered feeling before. I worked through them at that time. I didn't feel those emotions again until now - well I should say when he left.


How did you feel in your childhood home?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Conrad said:


> How did you feel in your childhood home?


Way back when my parents were together - its hard to remember ( I'll be 45 soon - that's a lot of years). I do recall being safe and happy - no issues. When my parents split I do remember - quite well as a matter of fact- saying to myself "oh no I'm going to be one of those kids" - this was the early 70's divorced parents were rare. I remember disbelief that it was happening to me. I can remember becoming melencholy after that. If one of those sad songs like a Barry manilow song would come on the radio id cry. I rarely made it through the school day without my thoughts turning to home and ending up in the nurses office wanting to go home. I also developed extreme fears - I hated being alone & I wouldn't walk into a room without someone with me. That's what landed me in the therapist's office when I was 7.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

smallsteps said:


> Way back when my parents were together - its hard to remember ( I'll be 45 soon - that's a lot of years). I do recall being safe and happy - no issues. When my parents split I do remember - quite well as a matter of fact- saying to myself "oh no I'm going to be one of those kids" - this was the early 70's divorced parents were rare. I remember disbelief that it was happening to me. I can remember becoming melencholy after that. If one of those sad songs like a Barry manilow song would come on the radio id cry. I rarely made it through the school day without my thoughts turning to home and ending up in the nurses office wanting to go home. I also developed extreme fears - I hated being alone & I wouldn't walk into a room without someone with me. That's what landed me in the therapist's office when I was 7.


Were the feelings when you were 7 similar to what you're experiencing now?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Were the feelings when you were 7 similar to what you're experiencing now?


Similar - maybe. I was never angry as a kid. As a matter of fact I remember one therapist trying to get me to "release my anger" at the situation and I couldn't do it. The sadness part yes. I'm not melancholy - I'm sad over the situation. That's about the only way the two are similar. The disbelief af what had happened in both situations - the fact that I didn't think it would ever happen to me - dare I say failure? And the general sadness.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

smallsteps said:


> Similar - maybe. I was never angry as a kid. As a matter of fact I remember one therapist trying to get me to "release my anger" at the situation and I couldn't do it. The sadness part yes. I'm not melancholy - I'm sad over the situation. That's about the only way the two are similar. The disbelief af what had happened in both situations - the fact that I didn't think it would ever happen to me - dare I say failure? And the general sadness.


And fear of that failure is what drove you.

You were running from it.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Conrad said:


> And fear of that failure is what drove you.
> 
> You were running from it.


You lost me a little. Are you saying that my fear of failing at my own marriage is what is making me feel like this? That my own perception of seeing my childhood as a failure because not many middle class kids at that time had divorced parents - and then it happening to me (rationally I know it wasn't 100% my fault but I know I shoulder some of the blame) I see the end of my marriage as a failure which was my worst nightmare come true???


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

smallsteps said:


> You lost me a little. Are you saying that my fear of failing at my own marriage is what is making me feel like this? That my own perception of seeing my childhood as a failure because not many middle class kids at that time had divorced parents - and then it happening to me (rationally I know it wasn't 100% my fault but I know I shoulder some of the blame) I see the end of my marriage as a failure which was my worst nightmare come true???


Yes... working against that outcome out of fear actually plays a role at making it come true.

It leads to feelings like this:
_*
but woke up feeling like a dark cloud was hanging over my head. So far this morning ive been sad - angry & overwhelmed*_


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Yes... working against that outcome out of fear actually plays a role at making it come true.
> 
> It leads to feelings like this:
> _*
> but woke up feeling like a dark cloud was hanging over my head. So far this morning ive been sad - angry & overwhelmed*_


I can see that - I guess it drives a lot of what goes on in my life. I'm afraid of a lot of things - the future & finding someone to spend the rest of my life with are two big ones. Fear of not being liked - fear of what people say about me when I'm not around. Fear of what this is doing to my youngest son. I didnt worry about that until recently but ever since last tuesday his father hasnt asked yo see them and for the first time in all this I'm seeing it start to bother him - but thats another story. If I keep thinking I could probably come up with more. 

I guess the bottom line is - just like when I was a kid - I need to conquer my fears.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

smallsteps said:


> I guess the bottom line is - just like when I was a kid - I need to conquer my fears.


You've got plenty of company.

We explored this at length in one of HappyKaty's threads, but it got deleted against our better judgement.

There's actually a branch of psychotherapy that asks these kinds of questions and encourages you to identify the various "parts" of your personality. Trust me when I say some parts are much younger than others.

And, the most dysfunctional are the youngest of all.

It's called Internal Family Systems and it was founded by Richard Schwartz.

Here's a link to his book in Amazon.

Amazon.com: You Are the One You've Been Waiting For (Internal Family Systems) (9780615249322): Richard C. Schwartz: Books

Don't flinch at the price.

It's actually much cheaper here;

IFS Store


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Conrad said:


> You've got plenty of company.
> 
> We explored this at length in one of HappyKaty's threads, but it got deleted against our better judgement.
> 
> ...


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

smallsteps said:


> Conrad said:
> 
> 
> > You've got plenty of company.
> ...


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Conrad said:


> smallsteps said:
> 
> 
> > Word of warning.
> ...


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Take what your cousin advises just as strongly as the advice you get here, she is a trained professional after all. If she's family she may have more personal insight on you and your situation.

Find what works for you.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

06Daddio08 said:


> Take what your cousin advises just as strongly as the advice you get here, she is a trained professional after all. If she's family she may have more personal insight on you and your situation.
> 
> Find what works for you.


Absolutely agreed. She has pulled me through the past 6 months and you are right she has seen both of us together in action so of course she has a unique perspective that most therapists don't. I'm a listener & a learner - I take in all I can and use all the information I need. Thanks!!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

smallsteps said:


> I'll keep it in mind. Ive learned when I talk to her when to back off something. Shes one of the best in the state when it comes to abused women and women in crisis but shes my cousin so its a weird situation. I can tell when she doesn't buy something pretty quickly so I let it drop. I doesn't mean it wouldn't work for me though. I'll let you know what her reaction is when I speak to her.
> 
> I see what your saying. Its time for the adult me to take charge and move forward now. I guess in a way - in a literal sense - for the past 25 years I had a husband who - ugh I hate to admit this - it kills me - treated me like a kid. See in 2006 after the miscarriages something clicked. I was tired of him having the final word on decisions. I was tired of being told what to do so I gradually started to change. If he made a decision I didn't like I fought him on it. If he told me he wanted something done I didn't necessarily do it. He took it as me being aggressive and being "mean" to him. By the time he left me he had me painted as the meanest wife in the world who treated him like dirt & didn't understand him at all.


Here's the key thing that clicked for me.

When someone says, "I'm just that way" - it's a surrender.

We are all "many ways"

We're different at work.

We're different with chidren

We're different when driving

We're different when socializing

All different "parts" of our personality we choose (key word here is choose) to emphasize.

Why do we choose to let our fearful young damaged parts control our intimate relationships?

Most of us don't think about it - it just happens.

When queried, we say, "I've always been that way"

Really....


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Great thread.

Smalls - how were your relationships with friends and classmates growing up?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

All different "parts" of our personality we choose (key word here is choose) to emphasize.

Why do we choose to let our fearful young damaged parts control our intimate relationships?

Most of us don't think about it - it just happens.

When queried, we say, "I've always been that way"

Really....[/QUOTE]

Oohhh - you've given me something to think about there - hmmm I'm not sure. You're right - maybe it has something to do with vulnerability. We're taught or led to believe that in order to be completely successful in a realationship we have to let down all our defesnses - completely expose ourselves to our spouse/partner/significant other. That in turn brings out our fearful - young- damaged parts we may have been carrying around since childhood. Thus- its the damaged parts that end up driving the relationship instead of our more adult side. Ironically when we first meet our future person that is the side we show - the adult side - because our defenses are still up.........


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

smallsteps said:


> Oohhh - you've given me something to think about there - hmmm I'm not sure. You're right - maybe it has something to do with vulnerability. We're taught or led to believe that in order to be completely successful in a realationship we have to let down all our defesnses - completely expose ourselves to our spouse/partner/significant other. That in turn brings out our fearful - young- damaged parts we may have been carrying around since childhood. Thus- its the damaged parts that end up driving the relationship instead of our more adult side. Ironically when we first meet our future person that is the side we show - the adult side - because our defenses are still up.........


Yes, yes... yes....

Our delusion is that it's "safe" to let those damaged parts loose on our significant others because they "won't hurt us"

Yeah, right


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Ceegee said:


> Great thread.
> 
> Smalls - how were your relationships with friends and classmates growing up?


Im enjoying this thread - ive done more thinking in the past few days than ive done in a very long time.

I had great realtionships. I very rarely had issues with anyone. If you see my facebook page there is a mix of people from grammer school - high school & neighborhood friends I'm still in touch with. Some of these people became like my brothers and sisters because there came a point in my life that my actual sister - brother & I were raised apart. My brother & sister were raised by my father & I was raised by my mother ( I think I went into that on my hes gone 6 months thread). After not being in touch with them for 25 years ( my husband did not like them) they have come back into my life with no questions asked & have supported me since this whole thing started in January.


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