# trying but not feeling yet. Is this normal? Is there hope?



## kdruark

My husband and I are separated, have been for about 2 months. We are currently expecting our first child in about 3 1/2 weeks. H says he is unhappy in the marriage-as in he doesnt feel like he can love me. He is trying and coming around more lately (about to move back in for the sake of me being so pregnant but that was the agreement when we separated). 

We have been thru some rough times. I hurt him by hanging out with an ex while my H was in basic training. He hurt me by almost have an EA-we both know the details of each others incident. I know and understand that I was not a good wife to him and I realize what I have done to our marriage. Although he has "fallen out of love" with me, I never fell out of love with him, I fell more in love when he got back from basic. Even tho 
i loved him I didnt put much effort into our relationship. I am currently going to IC. I know where I have to change and I am making an effort to work on it. 

My H is "trying" to be around more, to spend more time with me and trying to fall back in love. He has said that he still loves me as a friend and he loves the baby. I know this is true. 

He says that he feels ok being around me and enjoys being able to be friends and hang out being together. He wants to talk about our future and our baby coming. Its when we get intimate that he pulls away. He is into it for awhile but feels guilty afterward-even when I initiate it. 

Is there any way to get past this feeling he has? Is it normal for him to feel awkward? Can u get back the feeling?


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## DelinquentGurl

I think there is hope for any marriage
(Except if there is physical abuse)
Have you read the book "Divorce Busting" by Michele Weiner-Davis?
It is a very good book. It might help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kdruark

No abuse here! No Ive not heard of that book but I will look it up and see if I cant get it. Thanks


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## kdruark

Yes, my H has told me many things that he wants out of our marriage. Things like for me to not be on the computer when he is home, to not live my life thru fb (which i dont but in his eyes i guess i do), to do more cooking and take cooking advice when he tries to give it since im terrible at cooking, to try and snuggle more at night, not complain when we dont catch anything while we are fishing-things of that sort. I take this as him telling me things that bother him so that I can fix them. Right now for him he feels like im only working on these so he will stay for now but that is not my intention at all. I want him to stay forever so im gonna continue to work on these things cause i dont want to be in this place ever again (and i have told him this-and to call me out on something when i am messing up). 

He is being very open about all of his feelings, even things that i really dont want to hear. He is encouraging me to do the same and Im getting better at it. It just takes me longer to process what I want to say and i think that frustrates him. 

I am hoping that with the arrival of the baby, him moving back in to care of his 9mos prego wife, that maybe he will slowly see that i am seriously working on being a better wife and listening to his criticsm so that i can change for him and myself. 

Is it possible for him to start feeling love towards me again if I show him love over and over again?

Is it possible that with time and birth of baby that he will see that we are family and that he needs to do EVERYTHING he can to try and fix our marriage? 
I feel like im doing everything (books, advice from friends, counseling) and he is only doing what he feels is right. I think he thinks that it will just come so naturally but I know that its gonna take work.


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## DelinquentGurl

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> The best bet is to give yourself permission to fall in love with the person your spouse is NOW. I had that realization this evening, after several weeks of struggling with how does reconciliation 'work' even when it is what you want. How do you connect the dots. I finally realized, it's not about reconstruction.
> 
> Think about Japan. Nothing will ever be the way it was. They will reinvent the infrastructure based on their current needs. Nobody thinks it will ever be the same again. It won't. That is gone. There were a lot of assumptions made there about what could happen. Yet you don't see people committing suicide as used to be common in Japan when people made big mistakes that caused horrible things to happen. No, there is an attitude of forgiveness, it is a tragedy, not a crime. If what happened to your marriage was something unforeseen because of assumptions, and because of being human, it is a tragedy.
> 
> Look at your spouse the way he is now. Know what you know because it is what you experience. You can trust yourself to know if you end up in a situation that needs attention, and if the attention fails, then there are other measures, like divorce. Look at it this way, sometimes if something happens the first time it catches you unaware. The next time you are prepared, you know what you have to look out for. Don't sweat it, your subconscious has filed it away, it's got your back. Let your conscious have the here and now.
> 
> If your partner is being kind to you, experience the kindness.
> It is nothing more and nothing less. If you go forward or backwards or put your attention somewhere else, you will fall off the spot you are standing on. Similarly, you will distort your perception of any given situation, if you do not experience it fully by worrying about the future (different than realistic planning) or obsessing about or re-living the past.
> 
> All easier said than done. But what is the alternative to trying? There isn't one. (Didn't Yoda have a saying for that????)
> 
> Probably this is meant for your husband, and not for you, since you said you still love him. I have the same problems with regards to intimacy. It has to do with personal pride. I think I need to shift my focus from being strong-minded enough to be 'mentally tough' in dealing with husband's behavior, to being strong-minded enough to stay in the moment THROUGH the point of intimacy. It's like I almost hate myself for being pleasured by even the thought of my husband, because after his EA and lying etc. I turned that part of myself off. And when I did, I stupidly did not leave any instructions for when to turn it back on. The only solution is to forget about the past in terms of intimacy and accept that my husband's now is not linked to his past, that each moment is a turning point. You are about to be a new parent, but I can assure you that when dealing with children, you have to treat them absolutely as the people you intend for them to be, to constantly see them for their next moment potential and not for what they just did. It is tough.


What a great post!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Niceguy13

I am in a similar position with the help her and of my FIL I have come to realize it can't be one sided. I understand you wanting to fix things but until he fully commits tofixing things nothing is going to get fixed. And I use the term fixed looselylike above its not really fixed but rebuilt. It's going to be long slow and painful but right now what you hae is this nice blue[rint for a house that needs to be built a certain specific way and a worker who is unwilling to look at the blue print. For three years my wife and I tried to build that house without a blueprint it led to her having an EA atthe very least and quite honestly most likley a PA. You need to get intoMC he needs to fully commit toyou. Not be in love with you (that will come in time) but fullycommit to the change and process. I know its hard trust me I have been a SAHD (stay at home dad) for 7years now. Now I must go out in the world with my two children and make something for myself. Quit stressing over him fix yourself(as said divorce is two sided) so your daughter will have at least a bettermother (not saying you will be a bad one) Right now worry about your happiness and not his.


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