# Newly Married



## rbero (Dec 9, 2007)

My husband and I dated for two years and have been married a little over 5 months. Our entire relationship we have always struggled with communication. When we were dating he seemed to try to learn how to get over the communication barrier he had. I am a very open with him, and hardly ever hold back exactly what my feelings are. Sometimes that doesn't really help our communication though. Any negative feelings i may have and share, hinders his ability to tell me what he really thinks. I find that he very often just tells me what he thinks I want to hear, which at first was just frustrating but now is making me angry, and insecure myself. For some reason since the week after we got married he just stopped trying to work on communicating. Anytime an issue arrose, instead of trying to listen to what I had to say, and communicating with me, he cuts me off and tells me that its all his fault and he is sorry (with no sincerity) and then moves on. I have found that lately when he ignores any problems that i bring up, instead of trying to help him to open up and tell me how he really feels about it, I just drop the subject. I have noticed that now I just no longer tell him what I think and how I feel. He also just lately is short tempered. Any sort of conflict between us ALWAYS ends up in him punch a hole through the wall or walking away and breaking something.My husband is a very very good person. He is very loving, attentive, and sweet. I love him very much. This NEVER happened before we were married. We are married rather young, I'm 22 and he is 23. A lot of these things I tell myself is just the immaturity reflecting in our relationship. I have asked him if we could go to some sort of counciling to help us learn how to communicate with each other. At first he was completely against it, and said that we didn't need that we could work it out between ourselves. Just recently I brought it up again, this time he agreed to it because he can see how strained our relationship is right now, adn how unhappy I am. But he said that the first time the therapist says anything that makes him angry or upset he is leaving. I'm just questioning how commited to this relationship he really is. He seems like he's given up and he expects me just to except the way things are. I can't believe or trust anything he says to me because he just tells me what he thinks I want to hear, to shut me up. He will promise up and down he loves me and wants to change the way our relationship is right now, and any suggestions I make he agrees to right away. But as soon as the conflict is over he right back to doing the same things he always does. I'm just not sure how to react anymore. I don't want to open up to him anymore because he lets me down so much. Am I setting my expectations of him to high? I feel like I have absolutely no emotional support from him.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

What you have is common.

When I got married to my first wife I was told by my brother the three things a women needs to hear.

"Yes dear, No dear, Anything you say dear."

The point is for physical reasons men are no as good at communicating as women are. We are wired to focus on one thing at a time. (This isn't babble this is from the white matter men and women have placed differently in the brain)

You have to learn how to get his undivided attention, only then will you find what you truely want, communication.

draconis


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## Browneyedgurl020610 (Apr 18, 2012)

You guys need to communicate and "listen" to each other. I personally think he is being a little unreasonable. The whole point of couples therapy is for him to take into consideration what the professional is going to advise. He can't just fly off the handle just because it is something he doesn't want to hear. No your expectations are not too high. You just want him to listen to you instead of just agreeing with you. A lot of men (sorry guys) have selective hearing meaning they hear what they want to hear. Not good. To make a marriage work, both parties need to put in effort and not just give up just because you hit a rough patch. You seem to really love him and I'm sure he loves you too. You married young so that is a factor (I married at 22 as well so I understand that aspect and we dated for a year and a half and was engaged for about 2 years.) Anyways my point is do not just give in. Let him know EXACTLY how you feel. Poor your heart out. Try counseling again and if he doesn't make a bigger effort then I would seriously suggest maybe a trial separation. Maybe that will scare him into being serious. Also 5 months should still be the honeymoon phase so if you are having problems this soon, then maybe that might be a red flag. Good luck and I would love an update!!


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Don't pour your heart out to him. Don't let him know EXACTLY how you feel. There is no reason to keep on doing what you have BEEN doing. There is no reason to expect a different reaction, but you surely will promote the same feelings in him that prompts him to respond to you the way he does. There is no point in repeatedly running around that mulberry bush getting nowhere but more frustration for both of you.

One thing I think is this is very common in so many relationships, as Draconis asserted. It almost never fails that men don't listen or don't have the attention span that women have. What ends up happening is he doesn't listen, so she constantly repeats. They both become frustrated. He calls her a nag, and she gets angry. I don't know why it doesn't become obvious to him that she wouldn't nag if he didn't make her in the first place.

Another thing I suspect is sometimes you criticize him, or at least he feels criticized. That's the reason he instantly takes the blame and apologizes. He prefers that portion of your program to come to a rapid end. Other times, he feels like he is no match for you so to him, there is no point in trying to argue. Although it may be too late at this point, you might exercise a little selectivity. In other words, choose your battles. You don't have to make an issue of everything you see as an issue. It's not your job to fix him, and sometimes just leave the decision-making up to him. Rather than trying to engage him in all decisions to be made, just ask him to take care of it, and then be done.

I think he expects the marriage counselor will also criticize him, and that's why he said he would leave if he doesn't like it. He doesn't want to be criticized. No one likes that, and anyone would withdraw immediately. You have to be careful and maybe try out several therapists before settling on one. The last thing you want is for him to shut down because the counselor reads him the riot act. It might make you feel good to be right and validated, but he would feel terrible, and that is what he fears beforehand.

Your problem is very common, so you want a counselor who can quickly pinpoint the problem and have appropriate problem-solving techniques to prescribe. There should be goal-oriented exercises for you both to implement, as well as learning how to communicate effectively. You both will have to make an effort and effect changes in the way you normally think and react. You both need these skills and the therapist should provide the tools, not sessions of telling either of you how right or wrong you are.


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