# Lost my beloved wife of 31 years to cancer just yesterday.



## lordmayhem

I started out in the Dealing with infidelity forum years ago. My wife was diagnosed with breast cancer AND liposarcoma cancer in 2015. After 7 surgeries, chemo treatments, radiation, many hospital stays, and finally hospice, she passed away just yesterday morning. I am grieving and in pain. I've lost my purpose in life. I took care of her everyday because she was so sick. 

This was my second marriage. Now I've been divorced, and now widowed. Being widowed is 10 times worse.


----------



## CharlieParker

💐


----------



## Andy1001

I am sorry for your loss.


----------



## Personal

I am sorry you are going through this and I am sorry that your wife suffered as she had. And although I don't have any words that will assuage your pain, I hope you remember to care for yourself.


----------



## heartsbeating

I am so very extremely sorry for your loss.


----------



## frusdil

I too am so very sorry for your loss, I can feel your pain in your words. My heart goes out to you xx


----------



## Diana7

You are bound to feel lost, you have lost your wife and not only that you cared for her for a long time. So sorry.


----------



## SunCMars

My heart felt condolence.


----------



## anchorwatch

My condolence to you and your family. May she rest in peace. 

Best


----------



## Blondilocks

You have my deepest sympathy. As a widow, all I can say is one day at a time and one foot in front of the other. Allow yourself to feel all of your emotions and try to open up to your family and friends. It's also ok if you need to be completely alone at times. You will get through this.


----------



## .339971

You have my deepest, most heart felt sympathies. I’m so sorry for your loss.


----------



## Diceplayer

I am so sorry for your loss. You have my deepest sympathy.


----------



## notmyjamie

I’m so very sorry for your loss. It’s hard to find the right words at a time like this but I often fall back to these - “To live in the hearts we leave behind is not to die” - Thomas Campbell. I’m certain your wife will live on for many years to come in your heart.


----------



## C.C. says ...

I’m so sorry. Try to take comfort in the fact that you were there for her until the end. It’s never easy. “Grief is the price we pay for love.” ♥


----------



## GC1234

I'm sorry for your loss. My deepest condolences!


----------



## bobert

I'm so sorry for your loss. 

I know it may be the last place you want to be or talk to right now, but when you're ready, the hospice may be able to offer support, guidance, and/or bereavement groups. They are there for the families, throughout the whole process.


----------



## ConanHub

lordmayhem said:


> I started out in the Dealing with infidelity forum years ago. My wife was diagnosed with breast cancer AND liposarcoma cancer in 2015. After 7 surgeries, chemo treatments, radiation, many hospital stays, and finally hospice, she passed away just yesterday morning. I am grieving and in pain. I've lost my purpose in life. I took care of her everyday because she was so sick.
> 
> This was my second marriage. Now I've been divorced, and now widowed. Being widowed is 10 times worse.


You have any deepest sympathies sir.

I can absolutely imagine what you are going through and it is devastating.


----------



## Taxman

My deepest condolences for your loss.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

Bless you and your family. I'm so very, very sorry for your loss.


----------



## jorgegene

😥🙏


----------



## Max.HeadRoom

They say time heals all wounds but as a widower myself, I know that to be false.

I lost my wife of 11 years when I was 34 due to medical error and even at 18 years later I still think of this daily.

The unbearable pain fades and I would now call it a sad nostalgia. My wife was wheel chaired bound and I was her caregiver and she was my reason to do everything. After her death nothing made sense.

I just kept putting one foot in front of the other, paying my bill, washing my clothes. Just going through the motions of life. After a year or so I felt stuck and got some therapy. 

Do things in your own time; I tried to push myself through this and it made it much worst. As I look back on this I’d call it pain shopping. 

The thing that surprised me as I went through this was all of her friends dropped me as sell as many of mine; as I was young so were the friends and it was too much for them. Reach out to them if you need anything, people do not know what you need so ask.


----------



## StarFires




----------



## cp3o

What an awful situation - just be assured that through TAM there is a world-spanning community who feel, and in a small way share, your pain.

Please look after yourself (eat, sleep, plenty of non-alcoholic drinks etc.). It is normal for recently bereaveds to want to talk about the one they lost, but, ISTM, often those around us don't know how to react and give the impression that they don't want to "say the wrong thing". I suggest that, if and when you want to, you don't wait to be invited. If you need to tell people about her - do so. IME most people will be happy to listen.


----------



## Affaircare

lordmayhem said:


> I started out in the Dealing with infidelity forum years ago. My wife was diagnosed with breast cancer AND liposarcoma cancer in 2015. After 7 surgeries, chemo treatments, radiation, many hospital stays, and finally hospice, she passed away just yesterday morning. I am grieving and in pain. I've lost my purpose in life. I took care of her everyday because she was so sick.
> 
> This was my second marriage. Now I've been divorced, and now widowed. Being widowed is 10 times worse.












My dear friend,

Welcome to the club that no one wants to be a member of. As you know, I lost my dear hubby, Tanelornpete here on TAM, in Sept. 2017 (so the anniversary of his death is coming up). I join the others in expressing my condolences, and wonder if you would like to tell us about her. I'm sad that I'll never have the opportunity to know her in-person, but if you would like to tell us about her, we can come to know some bits of her through you. If you would like to talk about her, I would love to hear--and if you do not want to talk right now that is okay too. 

A few things that may be of assistance to you: it's silly but buy some soup. It'll be hard to eat right now, and you'll have a huge lump in your throat, but you know and I know that you need something sort of nutritious just to keep going. Soup is warm and will give you some nutrition. 

Next, mourning is REALLY different for each person. I agree with @Max.HeadRoom in that not a day goes by that my dear hubby doesn't cross my mind in some way, but the way that I mourned and recovered may not be the way that someone else mourns and recovers. So just bear in mind that your way is going to be your way. It may be fast...it may be slow...it may bounce around...and all of that is OKAY. You know "The five stages of grief"? Yeah, it's not that orderly! It doesn't go "step 1" "step 2" "step 3" but rather from one step it might bounce to another...back to the first one, two at the same time, etc. Thus, no matter what, give yourself the grace to accept that your way of mourning your dear wife will be different than anyone else's way of dealing with their grief. Okay? 

Also, grief comes in waves. At first they are like tidal waves that knock you over, drive you to your knees, and completey wipe you out, and they repeat over and over and over and over (and over). Gradually the tidal waves may come a little less often (only over and over and over). Then one day the tidal wave will knock you over but you'll catch your footing and not utterly wipe out. Then one day it will just be a wave and it will hit and you might stumble but you aren't knocked over. It's kind of like that. Right now, you are drowning and the tidal waves come often and hard, but know that the day will come when there will be fewer and then that with some more time, they won't hit as hard. They don't really "stop"...they just become something you accept and manage. 

Likewise, I guarantee you that some things are going to occur that will make your jaw drop. People you thought would really "be there" for you...won't be. People you had no idea even existed ... will "be there" for you. People who loved your wife will bicker over her things like selfish children. People who you think will help you recover, will turn their back on you or exclude you. Now, I'm not trying to discourage you here, but rather to prepare you. You are HURTING so badly and even if you have faith in your wife's eternal soul, you miss her horribly! Other people do too--her family, your family, your children and friends--and it is highly likely that some of these people won't have the skills or strength or courage to behave well in the face of grief. They'll fall into bad habits or poor behaviors that they learned from FOO issues, because they are hurting. So just know that this may be coming and brace yourself. In my own experience, my dear hubby's family completely dropped me as if I never existed--if he knew he would roll in his grave and I mean that. But they were not very emotionally mature people and could not deal with their own grief, so they avoided it and thus avoided me as I was a reminder. Make sense? They didn't do it to hurt me (although it did hurt) but out of the inabilities of their own heart ... so I didn't stay in touch with them, but I do have compassion for them. And I'm sorry this is the way it is, but it's very likely this may be something that happens to you too. 

Finally, I joined a grief support group after the memorial, and I found it ENTIRELY and INCREDIBLY depressing, because the group did nothing but focus on their pain and loss. Now, yes, we do accept what we are going through, and sharing it can be therapeautic, but it felt to me like they never had any hope, and no hope just depressed me. So I found another group--one with a Christian focus--and that group helped me TREMENDOUSLY because we felt our sorrow, and shared bible verses about sorrow, but we also spoke of hope. We had hope for our spouses who were in the presence of the Lord they loved so well! We had hope we would see them again. We had hope that we would still have a blessed and happy life in the Lord (one day). So finding the right support group is crucial. What worked for me may not work for you, but I strongly encourage you to share with a group at some point, and if that group is not helping you in a way that seems good to you, it's okay to try a different one or do something else because in the end, the goal of sharing is for you to process your grief and have someone come along side you and walk with you. 

Again, you have my most sincere condolences.


----------



## lordmayhem

Thank you all for the kind words and sympathy. I agree that the grief comes in waves. I always knew that this could happen, that she would lose her battle with the breast cancer, but we always held out hope she could get to remission. In fact, she was in remission, if just for a 8 months. We had just refinanced our home in February and were set to start living our lives. Then things took a turn for the worse, especially with the covid-19 epidemic. Family members were not allowed to see their loved ones in the hospital, and this almost literally killed my wife. Her oncologist said there was still hope because her cancers were extremely responsive to chemo, but she would have to stay in the hospital because of her weakened condition. That is where she drew the line. She would not stay in the hospital alone anymore, and was afraid of dying alone in the hospital. 

Even when we took her home on hospice, I held out hope that she would change her mind, but she didn't. She even improved a lot when she was home, so I was still clinging to hope. But last Wednesday, she took a nosedive and suddenly stopped eating and being able to talk. 35 days after coming home from the hospital, she passed away. 

I keep going over in my head what I could have done more. Now the viewing is tomorrow and I don't know how I will react when I see her body. I know that's not her anymore, that she has gone to be with the Lord. She prayed every night, and was a devout woman. I ensured she received the last rites and continued to received communion up until she passed away. I just wish that she could give me a sign that would tell me that she's ok now. 

Still, the grief comes in waves. Everywhere I turn in the house reminds me of her. I can't stand the silence. Our youngest son still lives with me. He just graduated from college in May, and dedicated his full time in helping me take care of his mom. At least she lived long enough to see him graduate from college. Our oldest son is a nurse, and he helped as much as he could. I find comfort in that she was no longer in pain and passed away in her sleep.


----------



## Oldtimer

Deepest condolences to you and your family. Very trying time for you all. Praying for strength for you and family during this time.


----------



## Affaircare

lordmayhem said:


> Thank you all for the kind words and sympathy. I agree that the grief comes in waves. I always knew that this could happen, that she would lose her battle with the breast cancer, but we always held out hope she could get to remission. In fact, she was in remission, if just for a 8 months. We had just refinanced our home in February and were set to start living our lives. Then things took a turn for the worse, especially with the covid-19 epidemic. Family members were not allowed to see their loved ones in the hospital, and this almost literally killed my wife. Her oncologist said there was still hope because her cancers were extremely responsive to chemo, but she would have to stay in the hospital because of her weakened condition. That is where she drew the line. She would not stay in the hospital alone anymore, and was afraid of dying alone in the hospital.


@lordmayhem, Dear Hubby and I also knew that his time on this earth was not going to be long. He was diagnosed with left ventricular heart failure and that doesn't "get better"--the best case scenario is to delay as long as possible. He delayed it for 5 years, and declined very gradually but steadily. It's hard to see them grow weaker and admit they need more help and feel embarrassed. The whole time all I thought was "Pfft. Don't even think about it. I get another day with you!"

I'm actually proud of your wife that she made a decision that was best for her. I get it--losing her at all is not "best for you" --but for her, she accepted she was going to go sooner rather than later, and being alone is so devastating. I'm so grateful you had the courage to let her make the choices and spend her days surrounded by those she loved.



> Even when we took her home on hospice, I held out hope that she would change her mind, but she didn't. She even improved a lot when she was home, so I was still clinging to hope. But last Wednesday, she took a nosedive and suddenly stopped eating and being able to talk. 35 days after coming home from the hospital, she passed away.


Yep I hear ya! Dear Hubby was sick for five years, and he'd go in and out of the hospital for "rebalancing" but we did talk about when he would die and we also I think both thought he could move slowly and keep maintaining for ten more years or so. On one hand, if you're honest with yourself, you see them declining and growing sicker...on the other hand, there's that hope that it won't be cured but at least it won't get too much worse and there's time. I'm sure that being home, with family, in HER home, surrounded by love and care was a HUGE relief to her, so she had the grace to pass away well. That is such a gift.



> I keep going over in my head what I could have done more. Now the viewing is tomorrow and I don't know how I will react when I see her body. I know that's not her anymore, that she has gone to be with the Lord. She prayed every night, and was a devout woman. I ensured she received the last rites and continued to received communion up until she passed away. I just wish that she could give me a sign that would tell me that she's ok now.


Again, boy do I hear you. There is not one thing more you could have done. NOT ONE. It was her time and she went relatively peacefully. If you had done X or Y she may have stayed longer but been unconscious the whole time...or been in pain...or just feeling horrible. Instead, you gave her the dignity to be loved to her very last breath. You gave her the very best care. You let her see and be with those she loved. WOW! It's okay--the choices you made didn't result in anything or make anything happen. It could have gone a thousand different ways, and the way that she chose that you helped her with graciously, was loving, peaceful, and fairly at ease.

Now, like you, I was a bit tense about the body and services. I could tell right away when Dear Hubby died because he wasn't in there anymore. I mean--it wasn't him. Yet, I felt a little protective about his remains and wanted to be sure they were treated with dignity. I cared for the man he was, so I cared for his remains. I know that your head knows she's not in that body anymore, but when you see her remains it may well seem like a relief that the one you love is not in that shell but rather she is free to be with the Lord, and still VERY MUCH alive!

Finally, regarding "a sign"--you know, I'm not superstitious or a ghost hunter or anything. I believe our inner essence lives forever, and our bodies are just a bit of clay that the essence (spirit) lives in for a season. Well, like you when Dear Hubby passed, I wished I could hear from him or get a sign of reassurance or something...right? We used to love hummingbirds and dragonflies while he was alive. We had a butterfly bush in the backyard that was literally FULL of hummingbird families. And we had a pair of dragonflies that grew and grew and somehow we had probably 3-4 pairs of "regulars." One of our joys was sitting on our back porch, watching the hummingbirds in the bush...watching the dragonflies dart around... noting which ones went together... After he passed every time I see a hummingbird or a dragonfly I think of him. Is it a sign? I don't know--maybe it is, maybe it isn't. All I know is I find it comforting.



> Still, the grief comes in waves. Everywhere I turn in the house reminds me of her. I can't stand the silence. Our youngest son still lives with me. He just graduated from college in May, and dedicated his full time in helping me take care of his mom. At least she lived long enough to see him graduate from college. Our oldest son is a nurse, and he helped as much as he could. I find comfort in that she was no longer in pain and passed away in her sleep.


Yeah the tidal waves will hit with a fury sometimes. I determined not to do anything until I was able to think clearly and make up my mind and feel good about it, you know? It was enough just to exist, really. "I got through the day" was actually a pretty strong war-cry! Right now, you have a lot going on: plans need to be made, there will be visitors and relatives, maybe some legal type stuff has to be done. Just getting through the day is REALLY good right now. And as the services pass and the funeral is over, and the relatives go home, and it goes quiet, you will have time then to decide on what to do. I left Dear Hubby's things exactly as they were the day he died for a little while...like a month maybe. Then, I decided "Oh I'll give this to this person" or "I can donate this medical device to someone at church" etc. I took a good full year before I went through our photos...but I also put them in a box and packed them neatly until such time as I was ready. So take your time. It's okay. You are doing REALLY well. I'm so proud of you and so grateful for the way you helped her pass with grace. Well done.


----------



## farsidejunky

Damn, dude. Terrible. Prayers for you and your family.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


----------



## NWCooper

Peace and blessings to you and your family. So sorry for your loss.


----------



## commonsenseisn't

Sorry to hear this. Your sorrow is evidence that you loved her. Not everyone gets that blessing in life. Regardless, it still hurts.


----------



## Evinrude58

So very sorry.


----------



## Lon

LM, I've occasionally been logging on to TAM to see what's new and look back on old conversations, and was deeply saddened to read this just now. My condolences and and I hope you are doing ok.


----------



## marcy*

So sorry for your loss. 😢


----------



## Marc878

Sorry to hear of your loss.


----------



## Evinrude58

Very sorry for your loss. I hope you know there’s more life to live for you and people to inspire and enjoy.


----------



## Gabriel

lordmayhem said:


> I started out in the Dealing with infidelity forum years ago. My wife was diagnosed with breast cancer AND liposarcoma cancer in 2015. After 7 surgeries, chemo treatments, radiation, many hospital stays, and finally hospice, she passed away just yesterday morning. I am grieving and in pain. I've lost my purpose in life. I took care of her everyday because she was so sick.
> 
> This was my second marriage. Now I've been divorced, and now widowed. Being widowed is 10 times worse.


My goodness. Mr. Mayhem - so very sorry. I remember your sage wisdom when I came aboard years ago. May you find peace.


----------



## joannacroc

I'm so very sorry.


----------



## member2012

lordmayhem said:


> I started out in the Dealing with infidelity forum years ago. My wife was diagnosed with breast cancer AND liposarcoma cancer in 2015. After 7 surgeries, chemo treatments, radiation, many hospital stays, and finally hospice, she passed away just yesterday morning. I am grieving and in pain. I've lost my purpose in life. I took care of her everyday because she was so sick.
> 
> This was my second marriage. Now I've been divorced, and now widowed. Being widowed is 10 times worse.


Hello lordmayhem,
I was on the site recently, again, after a long time of hardly looking at it, and I went back to my postings from 2012 and reread some of them. It was revolutionary for me to see how I was feeling back then and to see how I am feeling now. It was so good for me to be able to see how far I have come. Your posts were, among a couple of other significant posters, insightful and smart and really made a huge impact on my perspective. I wanted to thank you for that. And then, as I searched for your latest posts to catch up, I realized that you lost your wife recently and I am so sorry to hear this news. I am so sorry for your loss and hope your grieving process will bring you to a peaceful place.


----------



## jorgegene

When I joined this site back in 2012 and having big problems of my own, Lordmayhem was one of the
Real biggies, guys with wisdom and thoughtful advice, sometimes that would zero in on the truth with no bs, that kept me going on this site.


----------



## lordmayhem

Thank you all for the kind words. 6 months later, and it still sucks, but not as bad. I think the last time I broke down and cried was 3 weeks ago. Still can't find the energy or motivation to do anything around the house though.


----------



## Affaircare

Maybe you need a new house? Or a new vacation cabin to go to on weekends? Or maybe to restart something that you truly love to do but had to stop for a while?

I used to LOVE to hike and look for waterfalls. It's a weird thing, but it was me and I had a passion for it. As Dear Hubby got more and more ill, obviously we were not able to go deep into natural areas...and then pretty soon we couldn't hike...and then pretty soon he could barely walk. So I gave that up for a while.

Once he passed, I'm not sure how long it was afterward, but it was a little while, and I remember thinking one day, "Oh my gosh you know what? I could hike again! I'm able-bodied. I'm healthy! I could do that again if I wanted!" And I did! I was out of shape by then, but I started to walk around the neighborhood, then do small 5ks for fun, then do 5ks a little more competitively, and now I do 100 mile challenges on a regular basis and I think my longest hike to date was 6 miles. Okay it's not a world record (lol) but for me, it's HUGE, because I'm pretty old 

Is there something you have a passion for ... or used to have a passion for? Maybe it's veterans. Maybe a charity. Maybe a school or church. Maybe politics. Maybe it's animals--do you love animals?

By the way, its good to hear from you @lordmayhem. I appreciate you touching base every now and then.


----------



## jorgegene

It keeps getting better little by little. One day you will find yourself laughing again without realizing it.
Not because you don't miss your wife, or the pain is gone, but because the pain will give way to the sweet and golden memories you will always have.


----------



## ConanHub

lordmayhem said:


> Thank you all for the kind words. 6 months later, and it still sucks, but not as bad. I think the last time I broke down and cried was 3 weeks ago. Still can't find the energy or motivation to do anything around the house though.


Good to hear from you.

I don't have great advice like AC but you have my empathy.

I had a very realistic dream about Mrs. Conan passing a couple days ago.

I don't really have the first clue what I would do without her.

Praying for you.


----------

