# identifying my own issues



## bojangles (Oct 11, 2016)

My wife and I are separated. She's sleeping w/ a co worker and has been for months. For those that have seen my other tread, I've decided to notify OM's wife about the affair and her risk of HSV infection. Not to adhere to some code but simply because F them. I'm getting a burner phone tomorrow (WW told me that OM blocked my number in his wife's phone). If he's set her phone to accept calls from "contact list only", I will have to send her a letter registered mail. Been Verified also lists a landline that may be working. I will wait until Monday, when I know he's at work. I think I've waited so long because it's the last bit of leverage I have. I've accepted the fact that my marriage is broken beyond repair and wasn't that good to begin w/ so no need to hang onto that leverage. 

Pretty sure this spring/summer WW was flip flopping whether to be w/ me or him just as I was flip flopping over whether to leave her. I've moved into a new place. Once moved in I had instant regret and made huge mistakes. Telling her about an uncle's marriage that survived a 9 month separation, going to lunch with her, asking her to meet w/ me (response: Maybe, I'll let you know). Maybe these are blessings in disguise since my weakness pushed her further away. Reasons I clung to the marriage so much is that I have HSV (don't care to disclose type/where), do not have or want kids, smoke and drink too much, have strong libertarian ideals and see pop culture for the bs that it (one need not be a conspiracy theorist to see it's a sham). She is the same on all of the above. (Maybe she's impressionable to the point she adopted all my traits and viewpoints, who knows) In my late 30's, this may be impossible to find again, if at all. Oh well, better to be happy alone than miserable with WW. I will probably never marry again since I had reservations about it before ours. Just did it to not be alone. 

I've not made any contact for a week and intend to stay on that road. I joined a bunch of groups on meetup.com. I'm trying to focus on my career. I've put an app on my phone to quit smoking by Dec 1. At first I was having to choose between getting drunk or sleepless night. I've mostly ended that and am sleeping better. I've lost a bunch of weight over this and actually look pretty good naked right now. Was pushing a 40 waist before all this and now 36 is a bit baggy. I used to swim and hike for fitness but am not eating enough calories to get back into that just yet. I'm going to start lifting for fitness as it burns less calories (I think). Got drunk last night but regret it now and won't be going back down that road. 

I've always had friends in h.s/college and every city I've lived in up until about 5 years ago. I think it's partly because my wife and I did everything together and partly because I've turned into a person people don't want to be around. I need to fix this. My monthly burn just doubled and I don't want to get hammered financially with therapy. At least not w/out first trying self improvement on my own. I've come to realize I married out of fear. She was about to move to another city before I proposed...had to stop her. Some general questions about what I can do to improve myself. Please be brutally honest. 

If codependency makes me fear being alone, what can I do to reverse that? When I go to meetups it's good to get out of the my place but always it's always in the back of my head that she's w/ another man and I wish I had my old life back (sans OM). I can't stop thinking that even though I know my old life was a false reality. What a PITA. 

I've heard that codependents can benefit from being more selfish but selfishness seems like a poor quality for someone that just wants a "normal" life (whatever that is) with a few like minded friends. For now, that's all I really want. Any advice out there on what to do? 

Before my confidence and ego were crushed by this, I don't think they were that strong to begin w/. How does one instill that in themselves?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It will take time for you to stop thinking of her. And the only way to get through it is to live it one day at a time. One day, you just no longer think of her much at all.... like only once a year, maybe.

Codependency and selfish are not opposite. Codependency is when you put someone else's destructive needs/wants ahead of your own wellbeing.

For example someone married to an alcoholic who enables the alcoholic. And all the while they are ignoring the serious emotional and physical damage that the enabling is going to them. They make excuses fro the alcoholic's bad behavior. Drop all friends to protect their alcoholic spouse, because the friends keeps telling them that they need to leave the alcoholic. They let the alcoholic blow all their money on booze, auto accidents, fines, bad health and other problems that the alcoholism leads to. They let the alcoholic even mistreat their children, and make excuses for it. Sure they complain about the alcoholic spouse, but they also maintain an environment that allows the alcoholic to continue drinking and damaging everyone and everything in the household.

It is not selfish to stop being co-dependent. It's not selfish to stop putting up with this .. say to tell the alcoholic to either get into rehab or pack their bags. IT's not selfish to call the cops if the alcoholic is driving drunk, or throwing angry, violent fits while drunk.

You might want to read the book "Co-Dependent No More". It will help you decide if you have been codependent or if you were just in a close relationship.

Many married people do most things together. Many have only friends who are also married and who are friends to the marriage. That can actually be a very healthy marriage.


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