# physical and emotional PAIN!!



## norma (Sep 29, 2009)

Oh boy, I really need help and have no idea where to start.
Here goes...
My husband and I have been only been married for 7 years and things have been going down hill for at least 4. We used to have great sex but it seems every week it gets harder and harder to want it.
It all started probably because there were times when I just was not in the mood and he would get completely P..O..ed. He would get mad and say that he had needs and that I was not considerate of his feelings and needs. But the next night when I wanted him things would be said and I would remember the last time and could not get things out of mind from the past and it would completely turn me off. Then he would just get mad and we would fight again. 
I have also had problems with physical pain during sex often which makes it really hard to stay in the mood. Then it just becomes a, "okay hurry up and finish - please", and a "thank god its over" 
My problem is that every time we have sex now, my brains brings in all the old times that my husband guilted me into having sex no matter how much pain I had. I have litarly laid there with tears running down my face and my fists gripping the sheets with pain, and my husband will think he still deserves it, and I should be more giving.
I really want to please my husband but how can I enjoy sex when I know that he doesn't care how I feel. How can a husband get any enjoyment from sex when his wife is crying and I pain? And how can I ever get any enjoyment out of it when I know he doesn't care? how can I get my brain to shut off and forget the past?
Please help!! I want to be more loving to my husband but am finding it harder every day.
Gosh, I don't even know if any of this will make any sense to anyone other me.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Have him read the posts by SJM and his wife and ask him if that's the future he wants for the both of you.


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## sjm1983 (Sep 18, 2009)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/8046-frustrated-not-sure-what-do.html -- Mine
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/3371-married-out-love.html -- My Wife's



dobo said:


> Have him read the posts by SJM and his wife and ask him if that's the future he wants for the both of you.


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## norma (Sep 29, 2009)

thanks dobo and sjm,
i went back and read all of sjm and his wifes posts. when i read sjm's i thought the situations may be the same but when i read the wifes not so much. Our situations are the same to some degree but I have never looked at another man or even considered it. I do love my husband. I just feel like I don't matter and I don't know how to make him see this.
Don't get me wrong we do have a few other problems, even one big one with my in-laws but that is a different issue. My husband is basically the same as sjm "was". There are times when I really want him but then when we start my brain brings all the old stuff back. And then he still takes what he "needs" and "deserves" which only makes everything even worse for the next time. 
I need to somehow make him realize how i feel. I have told him, repeatedly, but alls that it does is make him angrier with me.
We went through absolutely everthing about our horrible sex life last week and he stated that I have to change and figure out a way to get over it. I left for the week (camping in the mountains - me, my dog, coffee pot and tent - darn near froze to death) and told him were I was going (so he wouldn't worry) and that I would be back on monday to see how we both felt and what are thoughts were on how to fix things. Well he showed up at dark wanting to chat. When I asked what his thoughts were he just said he didn't know. Well, while we were trying to talk he drank a few beers ( 4 to be exact and he doesn't drink) so of course I had to offer for him to stay because I didn't want him driving over the mountain trails for 2 hours drunk. Anyways he spent the whole night trying to get into my sleeping bag and neither of us got any sleep. I got up crankier and colder than I think I have ever been and alls that he had to say was that this whole situation is rediculas. He drove all the way out there to see me and I did not even appriciate it.
Well i obviousely came home and since then I have slept in the spare room. Both nights he got frustrated and askes "were are you sleeping tonight" when I answer he stomps off to bed.
Mr SJM, what did it take for you to finally realize that constant grooping and insisting on sex was not the right action for you take every day? From what I understand you wife was pretty open on how it made her feel.
I sure do appreciate any and all comments.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Seriously, have him read the posts. If he doesn't wake up, at some point you'll find yourself looking at another man or simply seeking out a divorce lawyer.

His showing up when you said you needed to think was not cool, either. He doesn't understand boundaries. He doesn't respect you. 

He has to respect that it is YOUR body, first and foremost. If you ask for space, he is supposed to suck it up and give it to you. He is demanding that you give him what he wants, when he wants it, like a spoiled brat. And I bet this is the way he is in other areas of life, too.


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## sjm1983 (Sep 18, 2009)

Well I'd like to think that it wasn't "everyday" but to her it might as well have been. 

I took hitting rock bottom and seeing that I was losing the best thing that ever happened to me. I had to realize it no one else in the world could make me see it. It helped posting my feelings at the time here. I think I was expecting validation for my feelings but I got smacked down pretty hard (*looks at dobo*). Having someone else who has no real incentive to see my marriage succeeding still pointing the finger back at me really hit hard. 

It took her telling me that she wanted a divorce to know that I was about to lose her and that life was not going to be like this anymore to wake me up. Proverbial frying pan to the head.


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## sjm1983 (Sep 18, 2009)

One other thing I should mention is that while she said the word I heard them but I never really listened to them. I thought I could just patch over them. The road really needed to be paved not just resurfaced so my actions to try and make things better would only last a little while. 

I think he should read my posts, maybe make a post of his own. There are always two sides to every story. In a lot of my cases I didn't even really know what was going on and I was not trying to hurt her.

Another think that I'm not sure if I mentioned in any of my posts is that I kept this mentality for a while even after she told me. I would still try and patch things up. I still tried to get sex, I still tried to touch her and make her feel good and seduce her. She was strong enough to not give in and while this made me upset I was able to keep my temper for the most part. It hurt I felt punished but in the end I feel so much better. 

I can only equate breaking this sexual bad habit as quitting a drug. At first when you try, its hard you throw a fit, you fight for it, you would sell anything to get it. You will say whatever to try and get it. Once you have gone a bit and seeing that you aren't getting your way you stop and see clearer.


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## norma (Sep 29, 2009)

thank you sooo much sjm,
i am so glad that you and wife are on the road to recovery. i really think it took alot of guts for you to come straight out with everything and although i believe you were wrong treating your wife the way you did i also think that you must have a pretty big heart to go to these lengths to save your marriage, and that you truely must really love your wife.
As for my husband, i think he would be completely livid if he knew i was on here airing our laundry. No, I don't think i have the courage to point out your posts.


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## sjm1983 (Sep 18, 2009)

Well he might be at first, it might hurt him, but in all honesty you are not the first people to have these problems. The fact is that he either will change or he won't. If he won't how much more of your life are you going to flush away being unhappy and resentful towards him?


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## norma (Sep 29, 2009)

thanks everyone,
since all advice leads to one thing, I guess I will try it. Really what do I have to loose??? Notta.
Maybe a good supper - steak, potatoe, bread and no veggies - then a good chat and some internet reading.
Gosh, am I nervous - I really hope someone is around here tomorrow.
Thanks again


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## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

Sounds like a lot of counciling is in order for both of you. You to get over the past issues and him to straighten up now.


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## norma (Sep 29, 2009)

to be honest, i don't think we need counciling, I think we need communication, which we do, he just doesnt' absorb what is said. At least that is how I feel. Its like he has his ears full of cotton all the time and just nods his head while i speak. And everything goes right back to the same within the hour.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

As a man - with a high drive - I would like to weigh in on this. And I also believe that spouses - both genders - are entitled yes entitled to a certain amount of sex. But not like this. This is totally wrong. 

Not to be a jerk about this - but if he is not willing to change his behavior if I were you I would move out of the bedroom. And I almost never suggest that. 

Maybe he needs to start a brand new routine. It goes like this. Just before bed he goes in the bathroom and gets himself off. He then comes to bed - if you can deal with this - and holds you and talks to you. Maybe he gives you a nice massage. 

And it is understood that you have some physical healing to do and he has some mandatory behavioral changes to make. And maybe you tell him a minimum time period that sex is not to be raised - like a month. And during that time he can learn how to touch and love his wife without focusing on his own pleasure. And during that month you explain to him how he needs to treat you if he wants to stay sexual/and or married at all. 

You are 100 percent the victim here and he is 100 percent in the wrong. I am sorry for you. 

The summary below - is so you see an example of how other people deal with this. 

The backstory to this is that I was not always like I am now. I was less secure. Now - with the confidence my wife loves me, loves me physically and sexually, I just don't feel anxious when there is a medical issue that effects our sex life. 

I love and am very attracted to my wife. At the moment she has an inflammation problem - perimenopause related. Had it last summer. It flared up about 3 weeks ago. I said "see the doctor in the meantime I am sorry you are in pain and I will just wait for you to heal." Every other night she offers to please "me". And once a week or so I cave and say - if that is ok - that would be really nice. But I am mostly saying no because it seems kind of one sided. And yes - if I was a saint I would just say no every time until she heals. I am not a saint. 

I would be bummed if she never offered to do anything because, the situation were reversed I would absolutely do what she is doing now - and offer to please her even if I was out of commission. And I would be a little pushy because I would feel bad that my situation was effecting our love life. That is how good partners deal with issues like this. But he is not acting like your partner. 




sjm1983 said:


> Well he might be at first, it might hurt him, but in all honesty you are not the first people to have these problems. The fact is that he either will change or he won't. If he won't how much more of your life are you going to flush away being unhappy and resentful towards him?


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## norma (Sep 29, 2009)

this my problem, i just can't bring myself to even think about pleasuring him that way. True it would save me from the physical pain but I really can't go there. Gosh, shame on me for saying this but.... my husband really doesn't like soap (says it gives him a rash same as deoderant) and to be honest it really grosses me out at the thought. I buy only the unscented hypoallergenic but still it worries me that he may not use it. I know for sure he will only put on deoderant if we are actually going out somewhere. Do i hit delete or post, delet or post. shame on me


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## norma (Sep 29, 2009)

the last post was to mem11363, just because that was a very good suggestion to my problem. sorry.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Norma,
I am sorry for saying some stuff that was ambiguous. 

First things first. Before you have sex with him again HE needs to change. He needs to learn how to play nice. I get that he has a high drive. I get that he feels bad when you reject him. He needs to pull up his big boy pants and learn how to play nice with you. 

When I said he needs to take care of himself in the bathroom - and then - after he has removed the ammo from his weapon, and the safety is not, he may get in bed with you. And when I said he can learn how to touch you - I meant that in whatever way you want to be touched. Maybe he can start by trying to touch your heart - by being nice and being gentle and - IF YOU WANT - spooning you or giving you a massage. 

Also - hygiene is not optional in bed - that is not nice and not considerate. As for the soap thing - he needs to find a soap that works for him and works for you. I don't mean - he has to do that so you will give him oral sex. No no no. He needs to do that to simply be a nice clean considerate partner. 

As for non-intercourse sex. If you get to a point where you want to resume sex without intercourse - because it hurts - maybe you can find another way to please him. At this point maybe that is a HJ. But again - he needs to try and find a way to have a sexual relationship with you that you feel good about. 

I very, very rarely say that sex should stop temporarily while issues get addressed. Like 1 percent of the time. This is one of those times. He needs to learn how to play nice before you play anymore. 





norma said:


> the last post was to mem11363, just because that was a very good suggestion to my problem. sorry.


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## sjm1983 (Sep 18, 2009)

So did you guys talk last night? Was he receptive?


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

While I don't really have an answer, I do know when there is a lot of anger, frustration, resentment, etc. built up it is often very hard to get those feelings out of your head, especially when there are unresolved issues. 

BTW, have you seen a physician, concerning the physical pain that you are experiencing? 

I hope everything works out for you!


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## Deb1234 (May 31, 2009)

If you haven't worked up the courage to bring this problem up with him, please don't think you will be judged by us here. 

Please remember, pretty much everyone here has posted problems of their own and, to some extent, know what you're going through. I would be lost if I didn't have this website and these wonderful people to help me work through issues in my own marriage.

Just let us know if you need to vent or even if you just need to talk it out and I hope things work out for you!


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## Breakfastn'Pizza (Oct 17, 2009)

They suggested and it became true. Sometimes putting your marriage on the forum makes it more vulnerable. My book Breakfast and Pizza might make things easier. I don't reccomend if you don't like a humorous Christian book on making marriage easier. Last is a dumb word. It shouldn't be about lasting. It should be about living out the vows without problems. Teamwork sucks. But you can always pray. It's not about blame when you pray. You can be honest to God but still resentful and hurting to your other. Pray the Lord's prayer which simply says to God and people that you forgive so that you may be forgiven. It's hard to take advice and giving advice is much riskier. I don't care. I already know that I'm a hypocrite. So for the most part you might want to divorce before you know what it feels like. Or wait it just doesn't matter. Because your idea of divorce is going to be a burden. God trapped us with marriage and I think it's awesome when you do it for the sex aspect before God.


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