# Need advice



## Notgood (Dec 30, 2020)

My wife has admitted that she has been talking with another man for a month or so.

She feels an attraction to him. The past couple days my world has crumbled. I can't think. I cant with through my thoughts. She says she is confused and needs time apart to see this man and see if the feelings are real. I interpret that as sex. Or physicality.

I have tons of screens. Meanwhile, she wants me to give her thirty days. I feel that after 17 years, me raising her two kids at my own would buy me the benefit of saying break it off. It hasn't. She wants the fairy tale.

I have been an asshole fur a long time. My words have been hurtful, they've been abusive and a part of me thinks this is exactly what I deserve.

Two years ago I had a surgery and a disease that has damaged my ability to have sex normally. I really can't do it traditionally with my penis. I'm 47. This is my second marriage.

I'm devastated, I'm confused, I feel betrayed, I feel sad, I feel that there is simply no way I can compete with an idea of a better future with someone else. Not seeing past the fairy tale phase. We've probably all experienced that time when things were new and exciting. There's no way to compete with that. Just none.

So do I let this play out? Or is it wrong. She wants me to go for a month. It just seems like maybe she's trying to justify her behavior.

She promises me that it has not been physical.. I think that's almost worse because it's an idea of a fantasy that she's chasing.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Man, as much as it hurts your pride, accept that you are a grown man, and do not need the self pity party that you are starting to create in your mind due to your low self worth and inequality in your sex life. Start looking and acknowledging your worth as a man an as a individual, regardless of your physical sexual capabilities.

You need to bring upfront immediately your pride, your honor, your self respect as a man and as an individual. **** her. Show her that her disrespect, and her demands for you to wait like a pathetic little **** to see if she will be happy with the other man's ****, or keep you as a second option. There are not other options, regardless of your past actions toward her. You need to man up and immediately kick her out of your life. If you don't, she will only lose any leftover respect she has for you (if any by now), by you acting like you don't know what to do.

Wanting you to go for a month? What the ****!!!!, really, what the ****? are you really that pathetic to accept this ****? come on man, react now. If this is your house tell her to go to hell with her lover and to not bother coming back. Don't be that weak, pathetic guy we all read about it.


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## shortbus (Jul 25, 2017)

I'd let it play out.
For about 3 seconds!
Glad we got that out of the way.
Sorry you're going thru this, and I know it's all new, raw, and extremely painful.
I could recommend nothing but divorce, as soon as possible.
Best of luck to you. You will heal after you put her behind you.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Notgood said:


> he says she is confused and needs time apart to see this man and see if the feelings are real.


This is 100%, unadulterated horse$hit. Sorry, most likely, it is adulterated. Well, the horse$**** is unadulterated, her marital vows and commitments are adulterated.

Confused ??????

Give me a PHUCKING BREAK. She is not the damn least bit "confused". She is selfish, lustful, and entitled. There is no "confusion" about what she wants.
She wants to reneg upon her marital vows. This has NOTHING to do with you, your behavior, what you deserve, or any other characteristic associated with you. This is HER SIN which she is allowing to rule in her life.

You need to throw her so far the hell out of your life she would need to charter The Enterprise to come back. The Enterprise, in her fantasy world, is parked just in the next town with Mr. Chekov's "nuclear wessels"...



Notgood said:


> I really can't do it traditionally with my penis.


Well, no woman worth anything would commit adultery because her husband has a disease and surgery. Only a total, POS slvt would do that. A decent, morally-upright, loving woman would get with her husband and find the perhaps hundred other ways to have satisfying sex.



Rob_1 said:


> tell her to go to hell with her lover and to not bother coming back.


And remind her that the bible says that is where adulterers go.


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## Notgood (Dec 30, 2020)

Rob_1 said:


> Man, as much as it hurts your pride, accept that you are a grown man, and do not need the self pity party that you are starting to create in your mind due to your low self worth and inequality in your sex life. Start looking and acknowledging your worth as a man an as a individual, regardless of your physical sexual capabilities.
> 
> You need to bring upfront immediately your pride, your honor, your self respect as a man and as an individual. *** her. Show her that her disrespect, and her demands for you to wait like a pathetic little *** to see if she will be happy with the other man's ****, or keep you as a second option. There are not other options, regardless of your past actions toward her. You need to man up and immediately kick her out of your life. If you don't, she will only lose any leftover respect she has for you (if any by now), by you acting like you don't know what to do.
> 
> Wanting you to go for a month? What the **!!!!, really, what the **? are you really that pathetic to accept this ****? come on man, react now. If this is your house tell her to go to hell with her lover and to not bother coming back. Don't be that weak, pathetic guy we all read about it.


I'm trying.. It ain't easy.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

You know a month isn't really going to be a month, right? A month will turn into much more and you'll still be where you are begging and pleading for her to come home. 

Please please please do not be that man. If she wants to go as badly as she says she "needs" to, let her go...but don't let her back in.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Did I read correctly that she wants you to “go”??????

Does this mean she wants YOU to leave as in her another place, move out, etc?

I agree with all the other posters. When a woman breaks you like this, it tends to cause you to amplify all your misdeeds in your mind. You can’t have been that damn bad or she wouldn’t be trying to keep you on a short leash while she rides this guy’s **** for an indefinite period of time.

Your wife doesn’t love you. That’s painfully obvious. The only logical thing to do is divorce her. She’s already having sex with him. If you think there’s the slightest possibility she isn’t having sex with him now, you’re mistaken. It just doesn’t work that way.

Your problems sexually has zero to do with your wife cheating. She could have divorced you at any time for any reason, THEN pursued other men. She didn’t.

Please don’t wallow in self pity and allow your wife to abuse you like this. What she is doing is worse than anything I can imagine. Asking you to sit around while she test rides this guys **** for a “month”??????
I see that as utter horror and more torturous to a man than burning him at the stake.

You are hurting. You can’t think straight.
You are utterly indecisive.

I would ask you to please, see an attorney, and follow his advice.
Later when you are mentally able, you will be very glad you did so.

You will get over this. It’s horrible, but you’ll get over this. If you allow her to abuse you further with this “month”...... you are truly messing up. I fear for you if you allow this to happen. It will tear you apart mentally.

You need a friend.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

“You need to throw her so far the hell out of your life she would need to charter The Enterprise to come back. The Enterprise, in her fantasy world, is parked just in the next town with Mr. Chekov's "nuclear wessels"...”

I quoted this because you need to read it again. Spot on accuracy. Especially the first sentence. Maybe farther if possible. What a wretch if a woman.


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## Notgood (Dec 30, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> Did I read correctly that she wants you to “go”??????
> 
> Does this mean she wants YOU to leave as in her another place, move out, etc?
> 
> ...


That's really my biggest fears. I've had my entire life wrapped up together. My true friends shrunk to our friends. 

I feel utterly hopeless.


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## Notgood (Dec 30, 2020)

Notgood said:


> That's really my biggest fears. I've had my entire life wrapped up together. My true friends shrunk to our friends.
> 
> I feel utterly hopeless.


And yes. She wants me to go. Give her space to see what's there with him. Her words.. Decide if he is a doofus or if it's the real thing.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Doesn't sound like you have much of a choice. 
Sorry this is happening. It sounds like you know you've been abusive in the past. You've also done good things, but nothing really balances out abuse. 

If it's any consolation, I seriously doubt your physical problems have any real bearing on why this is happening. the only real advice I can give you is keep it legal. She sounds like she has one foot out the door and I hope she keeps it legal as well. Separations usually do lead to divorce.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Notgood said:


> And yes. She wants me to go. Give her space to see what's there with him. Her words.. Decide if he is a doofus or if it's the real thing.


You realize that once you get married, you’re not supposed to get test runs with other people.

Your biggest fears...... yes, I know the feeling.
Under no circumstances do you leave the home. She can claim you abandoned her.

Please, please. See an attorney.
Your life is not over. I assure you.
Yes, you’re going to have to endure some excruciating pain. We all have. We know how badly you’re hurting.
Just see an attorney and don’t leave your home. You cannot be thrown out of your own home. 

What your wife is asking of you is unconscionable.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Btw, I need space invariably means they need you gone do they can freely have sex and date the other man.

Surely you’re not stupid enough, even in your blinding pain, to actually grant this request.
The only thing you should give her is walking papers. That’s all you can do. 

It’s hard now, but it will get better. But it sure does take a long time and I do sympathize with you on that. It’s awful.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Notgood said:


> *I have been an asshole fur a long time. My words have been hurtful, they've been abusive* and a part of me thinks this is exactly what I deserve.
> 
> Two years ago I had a surgery and a disease that has damaged my ability to have sex normally. I really can't do it traditionally with my penis. I'm 47. This is my second marriage.


Could you please be more specific about what I bolded -- how are you defining abusive? Have you yelled and screamed at her and thrown things? What are a few of the things you've actually said that you are describing as "abusive"...?
How long have you known you've been "an asshole" but didn't really care how it was affecting your wife?

I'm not saying you deserve anything bad for any reason...however, there are always consequences, for everything we do, and we can't escape them.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Notgood said:


> Decide if he is a doofus or if it's the real thing.


She doesn't have to have any time to "decide". Tell her that Thomas J. Wolfe on Talk A. Marriage has her answers right here:

1) he is a doofus - no, actually, he is a reprehensible, self-aggrandizing piece of pond scum who gives himself permission to **** married women
2) the "real thing" is far removed from "this thing" - this thing is a childish fairy-tale which should remain on the pages of Mother Goose, because it cannot, no never will it be, "realized".


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## Notgood (Dec 30, 2020)

TJW said:


> She doesn't have to have any time to "decide". Tell her that Thomas J. Wolfe on Talk A. Marriage has her answers right here:
> 
> 1) he is a doofus - no, actually, he is a reprehensible, self-aggrandizing piece of pond scum who gives himself permission to **** married women
> 2) the "real thing" is far removed from "this thing" - this thing is a childish fairy-tale which should remain on the pages of Mother Goose, because it cannot, no never will it be, "realized".


How do I get her to see this and take the rosy glasses off. I know the excitement is a lot for her. I can't compete with that. This is my wife of 17 years. I feel I have to fight.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Notgood said:


> How do I get her to see this and take the rosy glasses off. I know the excitement is a lot for her. I can't compete with that. This is my wife of 17 years. I feel I have to fight.


Your wife of 17 yrs just asked you to test drive another man for a month and see if he’s the “real deal”.

I’d tell you she’s not worth fussing over, and I’d be right. But you’re here for help on how to keep her. Here’s your best chance to keep her.

Get a lawyer and get papers ready, totally filled out, requiring nothing but her signature. Fair deal, nothing that she wouldn’t get anyway, nothing less. Tell her you don’t share your wife with anyone and wish her luck finding the “real deal”, but you won’t be waiting in the wings while she gets plowed by another man, that you have a greater sense of self worth and more dignity than to even consider such a thing as what she is offering. Then ask her to leave the home.

I know, you think I’m an ass, right?
Well I can tell you in living color how doing the “pick me dance” will work out.
This way she will see that you are a MAN, not the wimp that she thought would actually give in to allowing her to test drive another man. 
When she gets ****ed over by this slime she’s ****ing now, she will start to remember that she once had a MAN that loved her, and that had enough self respect to ditch her slimey self. She will likely want to come back. I don’t know why you’d want her, but it’s likely she will.

If you do anything else, you have little or no chance.

That’s the truth. Only a show of strength will be considered worthy of her cheating over/inflated self image.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Notgood said:


> How do I get her to see this and take the rosy glasses off. I know the excitement is a lot for her. I can't compete with that. This is my wife of 17 years. I feel I have to fight.


*You can't. Let her go!*



morituri said:


> _*Just Let Them Go*
> 
> The end result?
> 
> ...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Fight? For what? A woman who wants to try another man out? Seriously? Are you really naive enough to think it will all just go away if you agree to “just this one time“? No — it will be the beginning of the rest of your life.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

My friend, it really doesn't matter how you got here or where the fault lies. Here you are. A post-mortem has its place to learn lessons for the future, but it won't do much for the journey you have immediately ahead of you.

I'm sorry to say that I have no doubt she is already gone. Whether she chooses this man or not, she has already packed her emotional bags and loaded them into the car. For me, that is not really all that relevant. The decision now is not about what she wants, but what YOU want. The fact that she has already CHOSEN to allow an attraction and fostered an inappropriate relationship with another man is all the betrayal I would need to know about. 

I'd tell her that she owes it to herself to pursue her happiness (barf) and proceed with divorce at breakneck speed. I would never be able to trust someone again if that betrayed me so fundamentally. You might be able to get more favorable and rapid divorce terms if she is in the fog of infatuation. 

I know that's not what you want to hear, but I'm a realist. I refuse to live with the pain, fear and uncertainty of being with a cheater. Don't fool yourself. She has already cheated on you even if she has never so much as opened a button on her blouse.

I wish you good luck.


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## shortbus (Jul 25, 2017)

First, Happy New Year.
Second, you've been given a gift, your 'lovely' wife has shown you who she really is.
Third, to her, you're nothing more than a piece of dogshit she got on her shoes. That wasn't mean, it was a 2x4 meant to knock some sense into you.
You can't put enough mustard on the **** sandwich which she's trying to feed you to make it palatable.
THOT BE GONE!!


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## Notgood (Dec 30, 2020)

shortbus said:


> First, Happy New Year.
> Second, you've been given a gift, your 'lovely' wife has shown you who she really is.
> Third, to her, you're nothing more than a piece of dogshit she got on her shoes. That wasn't mean, it was a 2x4 meant to knock some sense into you.
> You can't put enough mustard on the **** sandwich which she's trying to feed you to make it palatable.
> THOT BE GONE!!


I'm getting there. The more and more I get some clarity, the more and more I'm coming to terms with this not being my fault. The callous way she can do this knowing how much incredible pain it causes is actually starting to just make me sit up and ask why in the fock would I want to hold on to her and possibly go through this again the next time she feels that pang. I also realize it takes two. And though I certainly was not a pleasant person at times, I'm funny, can be pretty fun to be around and at the end of the day, I'm fiercely loyal to my family.

But this has had me in a full on tailspin.. But something tonight has begun to click on my brain. I got past most of the tears, and frankly, I know I'm still going to have moments of sadness.. I know when I close my eyes for sleep tonight I'll let those thoughts back in.. But I'm not going to be second to anyone. 

Never. And if I have to start from the ground up.. 

So.. 
Effing.. 
Be.. 
It.. 

Let's roll.


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## shortbus (Jul 25, 2017)

Good for you, the first step starts with a decision.
And that decision is, I AIN'T SECOND FIDDLE!! **** THIS!!
I'm not necessarily a proponent of divorce, but in your case. I am!
She needs to be gone. You will heal from this.
Best of luck going forward.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Notgood said:


> And yes. She wants me to go. Give her space to see what's there with him. Her words.. Decide if he is a doofus or if it's the real thing.


Nope, SHE needs to go -- and forever. She wants YOU as plan b -- never be anyone's plan b. If she wants him, let her have him and be done with her.

You also said:
"I also realize it takes two. "
It takes two to work on the marriage. It only takes ONE to cheat -- which she is doing.
If she had correct morals, she would have divorced you before looking for your replacement...


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Notgood said:


> My wife has admitted that she has been talking with another man for a month or so.
> 
> She feels an attraction to him. The past couple days my world has crumbled. I can't think. I cant with through my thoughts. She says she is confused and needs time apart to see this man and see if the feelings are real. I interpret that as sex. Or physicality.
> 
> ...


Look man, you messed up, you said it yourself, you were an ass and abusive this relationship is dead and gone, let it go. Be better next time, learn from your mistakes, from what you described this other guy doesn't need to be that great to get her to go with him so you might as well save the time and emotional turmoil and just close the book on this one now not in a month or two or three. 

Tell her she might need a month but you don't, then say goodbye.


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## Notgood (Dec 30, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> Nope, SHE needs to go -- and forever. She wants YOU as plan b -- never be anyone's plan b. If she wants him, let her have him and be done with her.
> 
> You also said:
> "I also realize it takes two. "
> ...


This morning I put down a few more bricks. Last night she decided to go out and have a talk with him in her car.. She did. I know she wasn't physically with him. Don't ask how I know. I just do. I made up my mind that for the time being, I have to build some income. I'm lucky that I do have space that we can kind of be in the same house but not have a lot of interaction. This morning I talked to her. I told her that I needed her to just listen. I didn't yell, I wasn't mad. But I told her she can't rub it in my face. I can't stop her. Can't make her love me, and that what she is doing I find beyond reprehensible. She didn't take that well and shut off. But I made her listen. Told her that I wasn't going to say any more, but she had to listen to my words. That we were even. I'm not trying to have a contest.. But if all the times I was an asshole, took her for granted, didn't give her the love she needed.. With her actions.. We're even. 

Then she said please lie next to me.

What. The. F. Is. That??. 

She says it was for me.. That she knew I wanted to be next to her.. 

I said no. She she kept saying lie down. 

I said no. 

I think she's trying to justify and knows I'm hurting. 

I didn't do it. I walked out of "her" room, and I went to mine. She came after me and tried to go into my room. She did.. And she wanted me to move over.

I wouldn't. I told her no. She said you want me to lay with you. I'm not talking sex.. I'm talking holding. I told her I wanted nothing more than to be next to someone. But not her.

I deserved someone that loved me. I wanted to be next to someone badly. 

I think she believes somehow in her mind that if she lays next to me and gets me to settle down and lose some anxiety, that she can somehow ease her burden.

I've told her flat out I love her. And as she was walking away and I told her I do want someone next to me to hold.. Just not her.. She said how could I say that to someone I say I love.

And with tears in my eyes, I rolled over and put down another brick. Slowly I'm building that wall. 

It's on a hill.. I can see my life with her. I can see the kids we raised. I can see the good times.. But right next to the wall.. Just on the other side of where I'm laying those bricks.. A swamp.. It's so the negativity I caused.. It's all the mired shtt that 17 years bogged down into.. Fetid and stinking..

But I'm putting those bricks down.. Slowly.. 

One day, I'll have a wall. It'll block the view of that miserable swamp.. And I'll be able to sit on my hill and look over the wall to the amazing memories we had. We had together. We had as a family. 

Those funny times.. Quiet times. 

The vacations.. 
The silly moments with the kids growing up.. 

But today I laid a brick.. And I might waver from time to time.. Might Crack a brick or two.. But that's ok.. 

Is a process and I'm beginning to strengthen that wall. 

But today.. I laid a brick.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If the house is jointly owned then just tell her that you wont be leaving your own home, but that she is fee to go if she chooses. Its not you leaving the marriage. Also that if she goes to him thats it. I cant believe anyone has the cheek to ask their spouse if they can go and test drive another person to see who they prefer. Wow.
Mind you if you have been abusive(and you dont say how that played out),that wont have helped the marriage at all.
.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> If the house is jointly owned then just tell her that you wont be leaving your own home, but that she is fee to go if she chooses. Its not you leaving the marriage. Also that if she goes to him thats it. I cant believe anyone has the cheek to ask their spouse if they can go and test drive another person to see who they prefer. Wow.
> Mind you if you have been abusive(*and you dont say how that played out*),that wont have helped the marriage at all.
> .


I think that's telling (but I could be wrong)...


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