# online chatting in a marriage



## chuck1975 (Aug 26, 2009)

OK, so I think this is really my problem, but I need advice and another opinion.

My Wife and I have had some serious marriage problems coming very close to a separation. We have generally worked through those issues, however we of course still have some lingering problems.

During the almost separation my Wife had an inappropriate online relationship. We were going through a lot and at the time I understood why it would happen, and basically we were separated. When we recommitted ourselves she cut off all contact with the person and did the right thing.

So the problem I need advice with is how to deal with general chatting with people online. My wife is very social, makes friends easy, and is just generally a likable person. One of her loves is music and is involved in a social networking site dedicated to music and music sharing.

She meets a lot of people with this site and tends to create friendships with them online. Even though I understood why the situation happened during the problems and separation, I am still having a lot of trust issues and starting arguments over this online activity and chatting with "strangers" from all around the world.

It has now come to a point where it is really hurting us, and I feel very to blame. She does not feel I trust her at all, and when it comes right down to it my actions are supporting this feeling she is having.

Do I have any right to be upset, concerned, or jealous? Am I being immature about this whole thing?

Your advice and comments are appreciated. I love my wife and really want to just end this stupid arguing.

Thanks!


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Online chat is fine as if she was talking to a co-worker. The difference is if it turns into unaporpriate chat. The fine line it goes from just joking humor to graphical. My wife crossed that line on her phone and I was so pissed. Afterwards she told me it was a joke to get me wound up. She wanted to teach me about snooping. Though I think that is false cause of the way she reacted. She just tries to cover her mistake up.. If your wife has no problem you being around her conversations I would say no problem. If she starts to be secretive then there could be something to it..


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

chuck1975 said:


> Am I being immature about this whole thing?


How much time is this taking from your relationship? Are you jealous of the people she is chatting with or the activity as a whole? If she is spending too much time with it she is taking time away from the two of you as a couple. That can only deepen the issues and frustrations. Since she has already experienced an “inappropriate” relationship on line she should have an understanding as to how quickly they can form and how strong they can be. While you need to give her some space and trust, she needs to be understanding of your concerns. If this it taking too much time away from the marriage a sit down to discuss boundaries should be in order. Make sure that if she is giving up time in an interest she has you respond with spending that time with her as a couple. You are not being immature, there is a danger there.


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## They Call Me Smooth (May 5, 2009)

If you read back over my post you will see I had an issue with my wife cheating on me with someone she met online. In fact it happen 3 times (what I call cheating atleast). She then gave up all contact with them and gave up myspace. The problem was I didn't trust her and felt the need to monitor her all the time. This lead to major issues. Not only with my marriage but with myself. I finally decided I can't live like that and I either needed to trust her again or leave her. You need to do the same. You can't live your life wondering all the time. If she does it again, well you know what type of person she is.


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## chuck1975 (Aug 26, 2009)

Thank you all. This really helps, and I really needed to hear it from other people.

She is not neglecting me in anyway. Shoot, right now we both agree we might be spending too much time together. I work from home and she is between jobs working on her Masters online. So we are simply together all the time. 

I simply have to trust her. My insecurity is just not worth loosing my wife over something completely stupid.


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## michelob_64 (Feb 18, 2010)

What do you do when "checking up" on her is ruining your marriage because she feels violated but every time you check you find reason to be suspicious??

I found my wife texting a co-worker and telling her that I had had an affair for the past 3 months, something that is a complete lie!!! She told her coworker that I was seeing someone from work, that she (my wife) was devastated. I am devastated that she is telling her friends that I am cheating. I am not and have not cheated and really don't understand why she'd say that.

During the same time period she is out with friends texting me telling me how happy she is that we are married & how good we are for each other, while telling her other friend she needed to come home because she is having trouble here. A few weeks later she is telling yet another friend that if she ever gets out to CA to see a former male co-worker that it is on.

About 3 years ago I found her having very inappropriate chats with a male friend from her college days, to the point it was more cybersex than chat. They made arrangements to meet months before I found out they were even chatting, not telling how many times they had met while we lived together, or if any. Less than a week after we were married, she made it a point to tell him she was going to be in town & they made arrangements to call & try to meet up. There was discussion of him grabbing her & her grabbing him, questions of “could they behave”, etc. She never told me she was meeting him ever, I just happened to capture the chat without her knowing about it. I can say that they never met that day & I confronted her about it, thought we had worked thru it all. But now I find my self back as square one, I don’t want to look over her shoulder but I feel if I don’t then I’m just being taken advantage of & being played for a fool.

So I'm at a loss as to what to do, I feel if I don't check then I'm going to be blinded sided & that I'm being niave, but at the same time I just can't live like this anymore. I'm so lost on what to do. I've not told her I know about all of these conversations yet.


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## eva4180 (Mar 1, 2010)

I feel your pain. I am in a situation where I have caught my husband chatting sexually with people online. He's telling me it's no big deal, he doesn't take it seriously, blah, blah, blah. I feel betrayed and cheated on. He doesn't see it like that. Trying to put the blame on me. I have had trust issues throughout most of our marriage and am constantly checking up on him. It makes me a mess and I am at the point where I can't take it anymore. I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust him. He says he'll stop (swears on our sons life) and wont do it again but how do I trust that?? The only solution I see is divorce, counseling or getting rid of the internet FOREVER! He refueses counseling so I don't know?? So confused!


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Just for clarification let's talk about secrecy, privacy and transparency. 

*Secrecy* is when I am engaging in activities I do not want my spouse to know about so I keep them secret. Secrecy is lying, covering up and not allowing my spouse to see what I am really doing or see the real me. There is no room for secrecy in a marriage. 

[NOTE: A good example of secrecy is putting a password on a cell phone so my spouse can not see the calls I've made to another man.]

*Privacy* is when I am engaging in activities that might require some degree of modesty (like going to the bathroom) or surprise (like planning a birthday present). Privacy is still the truth, is not as readily uncovered but it's not covered due to dishonesty, and is still allowing your spouse to see the real you even with warts and all. In a marriage, the two people have voluntarily committed to being INTIMATE so that there is some small room for privacy in a marriage, but not too much. 

[NOTE: A good example of privacy would be walking into another room to talk to our son who is planning to surprise his dad by flying in for dad's birthday.]

*Transparency* is when I allow the true me to be seen by my spouse without any attempt to cover my actions. Transparency is the truth--good and bad. There is no covering of who I am, what I'm doing, what I think and feel, and what I believe. Transparency is allowing my spouse to see warts and all, and sharing myself intimately with my spouse ONLY.

Now let's explain for you what it is like when the chatting and Facebooking is transparent: 

1) Both partners have each other's passwords and are free to see each other's emails, Facebooks, Twitters or chats at any time. 

2) Neither spouse makes any attempt to hide their friends, who they're chatting with, or who they're emailing. Nor do they make an attempt to hide what they're talking about! Now I realize that a person might use different words when venting to a best friend and when bringing up the topic with their spouse, but the idea is that topics are not hidden from the spouse. 

3) Some agreement is reached that is mutually agreeable like, "We agree to have our computer screens face each other so we can sort of see what the other guy is doing." This means they don't click the Facebook down when you enter the room.

4) All those social contacts show a profile picture WITH THE SPOUSE and indicate a status of "married."

5) The social contact is made with the spouse and it is used to send little love notes, gifts, hearts and stuff to the spouse!

6) The social contacts with others frequently mention the spouse, things you've done with the spouse, plans you have with the spouse, or in some way or the other *INCLUDES* the spouse (not excludes).

7) When the spouse indicates it is hurting them or worrying them or in some way or other they aren't "cool" with it, the response is compassion and that the spouse is priority. Even in the instance where the spouse's insecurities are a personal issue, the one who's chatting/Facebooking can put the priority on caring for their spouse's feelings and not on the feelings of someone else above their spouse. 

8) Not every couple needs all seven of these things exactly in this way, but the point is that as a couple, they mutually agree and work together to find the boundaries they are comfortable with--and it is a JOINT AGREEMENT, not just one person saying, "Well too bad I'm keeping this from you." 

Sooooo...that's what it looks like. 

If this is not what you're seeing in your marriage or with your spouse, then you do not have transparency. Chances are about 100% they are trying to hide something.


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## jkfox624 (Jan 29, 2010)

Wow you hit the nail on the head there affaircare. Of course most ppl in this thread, myself included havent had the pleasure of seeing that transparency. I finally got the facebook pw from her so we are making some headway and she actually logs on when im around now.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Mind if I turn this into a poster?

Another distinction - correct me if I'm wrong:

Secrecy - being able to see WHO my wife is in touch with, via texting, e-mail, etc. Being able to look at her account.

Privacy - not actually reading the e-mails and texts (unless there is major cause for concern).

Yes?

Have to admit that I would hesitate to be "transparent" with my wife about my postings on this site. The freedom I have here associated with anonymity is very helpful to me right now. Is THAT wrong?



Affaircare said:


> Just for clarification let's talk about secrecy, privacy and transparency.
> 
> *Secrecy* is when I am engaging in activities I do not want my spouse to know about so I keep them secret. Secrecy is lying, covering up and not allowing my spouse to see what I am really doing or see the real me. There is no room for secrecy in a marriage.
> 
> ...


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