# Marriage or not Marriage as a PhD student!!



## immigrant_Swallow (Jun 17, 2012)

Hello everybody. It is about two years that I have had a relationship with my girlfriend. She is very kind and considerable. We had decided to get married with each other. Both of us are 29. However, last year I left my homeland for continuing higher education (PhD) and she stayed at our homeland. At the present I do not have any job and my family support me. I live in a small room and share an apartment with others. I do not know when I can earn some money. Because getting PhD is very difficult and time consuming.Most of RA and Grant positions belong to locals. I am so worry about my financial problems after marriage. When I imagine how can I take her in this country I become upset. Because killing my expense become more difficult. Also she does not know English language and she will depend on me in this country. Another issue is that I just started PhD and it will last at least three years later.Moreover, job condition in my home country is bad also. I have a immigration plan in my mind. On the other hand we are not young and we are getting older. Really I do not know what should I do?! Should I marry with her and live far from each other (So in this way why we should marry when we cannot see each other for several years?!). Should I break up with her and break her heart also? (In this way maybe she can find better option than me). I confused and I do no know what should I do. My story is very complicated because If I drop out or finish my education and coming back to my country government will send me to compulsory service for two years.  All the time I am thinking and I cannot concentrate on my education. What are your suggestions?


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Do NOT get married until you finish your PhD. There are a lot of problems likely to arise if you do so, based on your description. You show no compelling reason in favor of marriage. Break up. Let her go. You won't be the same through this process and you're stringing her along if you marry her and leave her to languish elsewhere.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Why don't you just wait until you finish your PhD and you are working? That seems like the most sensible solutions.

I understand you love your girlfriend and you want to be her husband. My husband and I got married when we had nothing because our love wouldn't let us wait. Though we still have a long way to go, things are much better financially.


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## immigrant_Swallow (Jun 17, 2012)

moxy said:


> Do NOT get married until you finish your PhD. There are a lot of problems likely to arise if you do so, based on your description. You show no compelling reason in favor of marriage. Break up. Let her go. You won't be the same through this process and you're stringing her along if you marry her and leave her to languish elsewhere.


Actually sometimes I think about breaking up. However, I will lose someone that I love and I can get married after 35 maybe. In that age I am not sure can I fall in love again or not?


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Trust me. The PhD will eat your soul. You won't be able to be her anchor in a new place if you both marry now.your marriage will be ridiculously strained. If you're sure, then wait until you've defended your dissertation successfully and then marry. If she doesn't want to wait or you're not sure, just let go.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

immigrant_Swallow said:


> Actually sometimes I think about breaking up. However, I will lose someone that I love and I can get married after 35 maybe. In that age I am not sure can I fall in love again or not?


Of course you can fall in love after 35. I fell in love again when I was 50. Age has nothing to do with falling in love. As long as your heart is still beating, you an fall in love.

Wait until you have completed your Phd. Your current situation is not compatable with marriage. If you love her let her know. And tell her that it's up to her if she wants to wait until you are done with school. 

You will be a very different person once you have completed your Phd. See how you feel at that time.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

FirstYearDown said:


> Why don't you just wait until you finish your PhD and you are working? That seems like the most sensible solutions.
> 
> I understand you love your girlfriend and you want to be her husband. My husband and I got married when we had nothing because our love wouldn't let us wait. Though we still have a long way to go, things are much better financially.


I suspect part of the problem with waiting is that a PhD is a long undertaking. The total commitment is 4-5 years full-time study to get through the coursework and dissertation. During that time he will be making little or no money. If he moves through it part-time (assuming the education he has allows him to make a decent living) then it's 10 or so years of late nights, studying, classes, research and/or experimentation, and writing.

To the OP: if your PhD is a priority, you need to tell your girlfriend so, explain what a big chunk of your life that will be, and allow her to make an informed decision. She might decide she is not willing to wait five years to finish your degree and then however long afterwards to be working and established financially. And that is a legitimate point of view.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

immigrant swallow - Check your Private Messages.


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## immigrant_Swallow (Jun 17, 2012)

When I start to explain her my condition she become nervous. She thinks that I have found someone else and it is only an excuse for breaking up in feature. I'm afraid that she only decides and judges based on her emotions and neglect the truth. She tell me I am ready to tolerate all the difficulties with you.


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