# teetering



## Commited1 (Nov 13, 2009)

I have posted allot on here in the different subforums...things with my wife, I am not sure if I can take it anymore. 

Quick recap- been involved with each other for over 10 years, married for close to 7 years. I am 39, she is 29. We have 4 kids under 6 years old. My wife was sexually abused from the age of 10 to the age of 13. Really it feels like our entire relationship has been oriented in some way around that abuse. 

The time-line of the past year goes like this:

*jan-may of 2009:*
We lived in the old house which she hated and our first priority was moving out of that house. She was spending more and more time on the computer with and talking about this one guy who she said was an older guy she wasn't attracted to but was just friends with. Ok whatever. I told her I was not cool with her spending so much time talking to this guy and that she will hurt my feelings if she continues to do so. 

During this time I neglected her pretty badly in the sense that I was choosing to spend my time doing other things than spending it with her. What I did was at home at least, I didn't go out to bars or even hang out with my friends. I would stay up late playing games or watching movies or whatever and wuld wake up 12p or 1pm, the shift I work is 3-11. 

I work and she stays home an takes care of the house and the kids. When I come home from work and until I go back to work the next day, the kids are mine 100% to take care of. That includes the weekends. During these months, I will admit to being somewhat of a pig, not picking up after myself, letting dirty dishes lie around etc. 

Ok, also, my wife is a terse person. She is sarcastic and rude as a regular mode, but I love her anyways. 

Last but not least, our sex life at this point and up to it was fantastic. Sometimes twice or three times a day, trying new things all the time...lights on, fore-play etc. 

*may-sept of 2009:*
I find a good house that we can afford and we move out. This was a major project because the new house required allot of work. During this time I am going to bed at like 1am and getting up at 9am, every morning, working on the new house. Pretty much most of my time was used up doing that at that time. I felt great about everything but she seemed depressed and allot more mean than she normally is. 

A few things happened at this time that greatly upset me. I asked her directly if she or the guy she was talking to online had feelings for the other. She said no way, just friends. And like a fool, I believed her. 

In july I remember her spending most of her time online with this guy. Everytime I looked at her she was on her laptop and everytime I looked at her laptop she was in messenger chat with this guy. I told her it was hurting my feelings and she kept up with it anyways. 

One weekend in july I thought it would be a good day cause I had off, all the work was done on the house finally, and I thought we could all hang out together in the yard (her, and the kids), drink some beers, have some bbq. She was just miserable. She said she didn't feel good and she went inside after sending like 10 minutes outside. I went inside and there she was in the kitchen resting her head on her arms on the kitchen table in front of her open laptop. I hear that infernal 'ding' meaning an instant message just popped up, and I look at her pc and she is talking to that guy. I got mad and asked her why she would rather spend time on the computer with this guy then hang out in the yard with me and the kids. 

About two weeks later I am at work- we used to talk on the phone ALLOT when I was at work, like for half my shift. That got less and less down to nothing the more she talked to the guy. So, I call her from work and she says she is on the other line and she will call me back. Two hours later and she doesn't call me back, so I call her back. She said she just forgot to call me back. I asked who she was on the phone with earlier and she said it was that guy. I got pretty pissed and told her about it. She said there was nothing going on between them, she texted this guy in chat what I had said and then she said the guy said the same thing etc etc. Now I was real mad, why would she tell him what I was saying to her in confidence? 

End of september she writes him some emails about how she has made him into a mate in her mind and how she has these feelings for him and stuff...in the same email she tells him that she knows he doesn't feel the same way and how it isn't right, but she can't help it etc etc. I didn't find these emails until a few months later, but this is when she wrote them. 

sex life at this point we were doing it at least once a week, but I was always the one to initiate it. It was always in the dark, under the covers with no foreplay and like 2 hours of kissing first. I got really really sick of this and let her know about it in a civil way. 

*sept-oct:*
I get mad and give up on her. I didnt know about the emails but I knew where her attention was and it wasn't me so I said f-it and started staying up all night watching movies and stuff and being a real pig around the house and complaining allot. 

She never did my laundry, doesn't cook for me unless she is cooking for the kids anyways...doesn't do crap for me. I have the kids from the time I get home from work till the time I go back to work the next day. Including all day both weekends.

End of october we get into a huge fight and I threaten to leave her. I really had had enough. We made up after the fight and even had some good sex, so I thought 'everything' was fine. 

Things weren't fine. In fact, she was getting ready to launch on all-out assault on our relationship. 

*November*
For TWENTY DAYS she completely and totally ignores me or is just plain mean to me. She is always on the computer, non-stop. She wouldn't even say hello or goodbye to me. Wouldn't talk about anything. I did everything I could, started getting up at like 7am and making breakfast for everyone, cleaned the house constantly etc etc.

At the end of those twenty days I started to call her out and let her know what was up on my end of things. That I love her and won't give up on things, but that I can't tolerate being constantly ignored. 

The only way we talked at this point was over the computer instant messenger. She said I am lucky she is friends with 'that guy' because he is telling her to try to work things out with me etc. So after a long long long talk we decide to work on things.

The next day there is a flood of affection for me, sex, attention etc. This kept up for awhile. About a week later I look on her computer when she left it open and there I find the email I was talking about earlier, that she sent to him at the end of september. I confront her with that and tell her she has to not talk to this guy for at least a few months if we are going to work things out. 

*December *
She agress to not talk to the guy or a few months and apologizes to me about the thing with him. She says she did it to hurt me and knew that he was a safe person to run to when I was neglecting her, because he didn't have feelings for her, he lived far away and he was an older guy. Like in his 50's (well I am almost 40 so 50's isn't that old to me, though she is 29). She also admitted to having a facebook emotional affair with a different guy, and that doesn't really bother me. It doesn't bother me because she told me about it....what bothered me most about the other guy was that she lied to me about how she felt about him and it was an ongoing thing. 

Anyways, this month has been good for us. Money is good, we are getting along real well, lots of affection and attention. 

But I am still haunted by what has happened. These few months are going to go by and she is going to start talking to this guy again. I don't think I can handle that at all. I can tell her it will hurt me and that I can't trust her with him and I am not sure that will work. Or I can tell her she either talks to him or me but not both. 

I love her and I love my kids and I won't walk away from this but I really want to. My heart is telling me to tell her to F OFF, to move out and to fight her in court for custody of the kids. I deeply resent her for what she has done but I also love her. 

This whole thing makes me sick. What this all is, is me having to pull the entire emotional weight for both of us, to prop her up emotionally while receiving absolutely zero emotional support from her. I am so tired of doing this.

Here she comes. More later.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

You said things are good now. Put your foot down about her talking to other men online. Period. She's all ready admitted to having feelings for them, having emotional affairs, why would you even think that it would be okay for her to do it again? Tell her it's you or her online friends - it just can't be both. If she goes for them instead, you'll have your answer about whether to leave her or not. If she decides to stay with you instead, then perhaps you have a chance to work things out.


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## Commited1 (Nov 13, 2009)

HappyHer said:


> You said things are good now. Put your foot down about her talking to other men online. Period. She's all ready admitted to having feelings for them, having emotional affairs, why would you even think that it would be okay for her to do it again? Tell her it's you or her online friends - it just can't be both. If she goes for them instead, you'll have your answer about whether to leave her or not. If she decides to stay with you instead, then perhaps you have a chance to work things out.



I am going to have to do this. I can't see any way around it. 
There are a million reasons why I am totally justified in doing this. I guess I can't wrap my head around why she just didn't stop talking to this guy altogether when she started feeling the way she did, why she didn't stop talking to him when I told her it bothered me. It is pretty painful to think about. 

I am going to have to set time aside and make a talk out of it, because I know it will be heated. I won't give her a direct ultimatum, will just tell her that if she talks to him it will kill everything between her and I.


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## Commited1 (Nov 13, 2009)

Had a quick talk (no time)...she thinks I want to control her. I am going to have to express my pain and anger to her, try to get her to see things from my point of view. She said she was undecided on whether or not she will ever talk to that guy again. Not good enough, but I know regardless of what I say or do, she will do as she will do. If she talks to him after this, I think I might have to load the cannons, kill any romance between us and go get myself a girlfriend. I won't leave and split up our family, but I also won't keep getting treated like crap like this.


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## Commited1 (Nov 13, 2009)

Ok, after some lengthy discussion, this is working out well now. She says she does not want to talk to this guy again, and she agrees it is a bad idea to have a close relationship with any other men. We'll see where things go from here.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

It is good to see you are standing up for yourself, at least to some degree.

Understand again, like I have maybe mentioned on another thread about this, giving a woman "space" in these situations is not going to end up making you happy.

A woman is loving a man that is jealous over her. Take this to the bank.

The woman is not going to make a "decision" between two men, on whether which one is most attractive to her, or love her, etc on logic or reason. This is merely confusion clouding the real issue. Do NOT buy into it. 

The woman is waiting to see which man is going to fight harder for her. Read this many times until you understand this fact.

You are only LUCKY, that is the only word for it, that her other man is not interested in taking her right now, or you would be left in the dust as we speak.

Here are the facts:

Your woman has 100 percent control of your relationship right now. This must stop.

Your woman is "confused" so do NOT leave it to her to make decisions that are going to emotionally abuse you or your children. Understand already what I have typed this is meaning. 

This is nothing more or less than a battle between you and her other man for her to see which is more dominant. Your responsibility is to make this crystal clear to her.

You must understand this is not about logic, or reasoning. This is primal, and emotional. This is a fight that you, as a good man, must fight very hard to win.

The structure of sexual attraction is this: a woman will be irrestibly attracted to the man in control of himself and his environment, and will otherwise resent a "weak man". 

Given a choice between a dominant man and a "weak man", this is not even a contest. She will leave the "weak man" in the dust every time. You will see this all over this marriage talk forum.

Your woman, as you are seeing, will exactly throw the whole marriage, children and all, away with absolutely no remorse or guilt whatsoever when the structure of sexual attraction is not maintained. You will lose the whole relationship if you continue to do things that are contrary to being a dominant man.

Also I see in this post you mention your whole relationship is centered around your woman's past sexual abuse. I have written some about this in this post. Please read if you feel it may be helpful.

To dance on eggshells emotionally and sexually for fear of hurting the woman who has been abused is a recipe for disaster. 

Instead you, the good man that loves your woman, must be MANY TIMES MORE THE MAN that abused her, this is the cure for the insecurity and seeming irrational behavior I am sure you are used to seeing.

I wish you well.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

Run as fast as you can to your local library or bookstore and checkout/buy "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover. You are demonstrating many "nice guy" tendencies.


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## Commited1 (Nov 13, 2009)

Ok, now that I have a few more minutes. Yes she responds much better when I 'take her', as in when I say she is mine period. I eliminated pretty much any 'space' she had and she seems to like it.

When she threw up the control issue I was thinking, "hell with this" but when I put my foot down and made it clear what is acceptable to me, she responded favorably. 

Funny she proved you guys right by initially resisting what I was pushing. She wanted to see how hard I'd fight for her. When I showed her that, she was happy to back down. 

Since I found the letter, I have been winning every fight 'with' the other man. Before I found the letter the guy gave her a ton of advice, part of it was to not have sex with me for three months. When I found the letter, I determined the way we would fix things, and I told her to not talk to him for three months. She immediately stopped talking to him and deleted her email and messenger and facebook accounts. 

When I told her she couldn't talk to him at all, period, she resisted initially but then backed down as I showed her I would continue to fight. 

Funny how she responds to language like "you are mine and I refuse to share your attention, affection or time with anyone.."

In the past I would have responded to something like this either by telling her to take a hike or by finding where the guy lives and beating the crap out of him. I have too much to lose to tell her to get lost, and the guy lives on the other side of the country so traveling to him is not an option.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

You are seeing the light at the end of this tunnel. 

I continue to wish you well.


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