# I do not deserve him.



## fadingIllusion (Sep 13, 2011)

My husband is an amazing Man. He puts up a lot with me; why? I seriously have no idea. I do not understand why he loves me, and why he even wants to be with me.

I really messed up. He is the first guy to be nice, caring, supportive, and comforting with me.

Last October, He deployed to Iraq. I was pregnant with our daughter, and we weren't even married for a year. We had our daughter in January and everything was great. He visited on R&R and then left again. At the time I was staying with my Mom in order to save money. But due to the fact of a small room with three people and another situation that was going on, there just wasn't any way of staying there. So I rented a house. All three (my son, my daughter and I) of us moved in, in March. Towards the end of March I got back into smoking weed. I quit three years ago to join the Military. Which is where my husband and I met. I didn't have any friends in the town I was living, and barely anyone to hangout with or let alone talk to. So I began using apps on my phone to just have chats with people. It only seemed to be guys (I tried talking to women, but it wasn't as easy) I even had sites online. Just to interact with people, to share thoughts, ideas, problems... etc. 

I don't really know where it all began to go wrong. Perhaps, because I was lonely, craving some sort of affection, and the problems that my husband and I had prior to his deployment was just exhausting. He lied to me, back in December of 09. I know some people do not see the importance of honesty as others may. And it's taken me a LONG time to change my views on lying. But, it wasn't so much the subject of the lie that hurt, I didn't care. It was just the fact that his intentions were good, but false, and that he just didn't feel like he could be honest with me. Then after confronting the lie, and him admitting, I began to ask other things, that I probably shouldn't have. Then I reverted back to how I was before I was single. I was a "B", a "C" and not very nice. I had this dogmatic view on males. ... But anyways...

I met up with a guy, even attempted one, but he stood me up. Then we kept talking, and it ended up that he was engaged. I should have took that as a sign. I should have really took that as a sign... but I didn't. I wanted fun, I wanted someone to talk to, and I wanted to .... I really don't even know what I truly wanted. 

I always said I would never cheat on my husband. But I did. Even with the worst possible choice EVER too. A younger guy. Heh... he was cool sorta, at first. I was always high, and he was interesting. Talked a lot about the interests I had, we met. . . And it turned into a month long affair. Which turned UGLY. He began to threaten me, try to control me, bash me, pretty much verbally abused me, and did a lot of projecting to rip my self-esteem apart. He used me. For a lot more than just company. And I admit, I was extremely stupid to fall for it. 

I completely messed up our financial status, my car, I neglected a lot of things due to drugs and my selfish need for affection. I even neglected skyping with my husband for two months. And then finally when we did skype, he said "I do not know what you have been doing, and I don't care to know, but when I get back the slate will be clean" .. . .I REALLY do not know what he means by this. I think he knows I messed up. I am pretty sure. . . but then there are days when I am not so sure.

I jeopardized our entire family. Everything.

I am so afraid to tell him, because I know for a fact that I will never find another guy like him. I've seen how people are these days, and it's sad.

I feel so worthless, so undeserving, a horrible wife, a horrible mother.

I have told him I have to tell him something when he returns. Then I indirectly explained some things. (Pretty much an explanation AFTER one has told them they had an affair) Though, I did not tell him what I had done. 
I have tried to get him to divorce me, I tell him all the time I do not deserve him. He always asks why I am unhappy, and that I should since now, I am in a different state. I am, but I am unhappy for my actions, and fearful that everything is going to fall apart.

Every time we skype now, well, every other week or so, I remind him that I have something to say. And recently I told him I did something, and he said "Look, stop. . we will talk about it when I get there" And he has even said "It's my choice right?, I will chose if I want to know, or not. And if I don't you are just going to have to just live with it" . . . .AGAIN, I think he knows. Then again . . I am not sure. At times he acts like he doesn't know a thing, but how could he not?

I have asked several friends on what to do. Because yes, part of me doesn't want to tell him. Then again a huge part of me does. Because I would rather build from truth, than keep living a lie. My friend has told me to wait for him to come to me about it. 

But the thing with that is. . . I know my husband is going to want to have sex with me. And I don't feel like I should unless he knows, and THEN makes his decision. 

I don't want to lose him, and I ... just don't know anymore. I don't know if I should tell him before he returns, or wait, or not say something, or just say it. I just want him to know, I love him so dearly, and I am so so so sorry for hurting him, and what I had done. I want to make us work. But I am so scared that he won't. ....

Any advice?
Thank you in advance.

P.s Does admitting it mean ANYTHING?! . . .Because I had people tell me it doesn't.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

You opened the box, so to speak.
When he comes home, welcome him with open arms and joy. After you two settle a little bit, tell him the whole story. Make sure that both of you are sober and not already in a bad mood about anything.
Be calm and tell him everything.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

:iagree:
Based on what you have already hinted on, he probably knows....but being deployed, he may not be in a state where he mentally can deal with that right now, so wait until he is home...respect his wishes on that front.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

He knows.

I wouldn`t bring it up again until he`s home.


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## fadingIllusion (Sep 13, 2011)

Thank you guys for the advice. 

We will be sober, when talking. I'm not sure if I can keep calm though. I spend most of my days now crying it seems like. More than once a day, and I try really hard not to show him how I feel on skype, because I've came close to telling him, so then I don't say much. And I want so badly to welcome him with open arms and joy, but at the same time the thought of it sounds so strange. I try to see it from different perspectives "IF he does know, will he even be happy to see me, and will there be true affection." "If he doesn't know, He would feel/believe he deserves a hug, but I would feel like I don't deserve his hug because I know what I have done."


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## lindy234 (Sep 13, 2011)

I agree,wait for him to come home.But first, you have to work on your own personal issues. Forgive yourself,love yourself. Appreciate what u have,kids,husband,home and a life. Associate yourself with things that will grow you personally and in your marriage. It's ok not to be ok but you have to make the effort to build your esteem and therefore your home. Visit your spiritual wellness, what do you believe in, hold on to that. Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

If you have learnt your lesson already and realised that you will never ever do such a thing again, do NOT tell him. Bear the guilt yourself if you can, otherwise you will hurt him like hell. 

If he finds out himself though you're pretty much f--ked. So you have to decide on this. Keep in mind though a way to conquer that guilt yourself is to make up for it (and since he's coming back from deployment you can be all lovey dovey under the guise of "missing him")


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

fadingIllusion said:


> Thank you guys for the advice.
> 
> We will be sober, when talking. I'm not sure if I can keep calm though. I spend most of my days now crying it seems like. More than once a day, and I try really hard not to show him how I feel on skype, because I've came close to telling him, so then I don't say much. And I want so badly to welcome him with open arms and joy, but at the same time the thought of it sounds so strange. I try to see it from different perspectives "IF he does know, will he even be happy to see me, and will there be true affection." "If he doesn't know, He would feel/believe he deserves a hug, but I would feel like I don't deserve his hug because I know what I have done."


Okay, here's where I get a little tougher.
You messed up. You feel like crap. Your husband is deployed serving his country.
Why are you insisting on making him feel like crap, too?
Buck up, settle down, and wait for him to return.

When he returns, you put your best face forward, smile, and welcome him with the biggest hug and sloppiest, wettest kiss you have ever imagined! You may not think that you deserve a hug, but your husband sure as Hell does.

Also think of this;
Your husband is in a hostile place where there are lots of people who would like to see him dead. Your job at home is to keep yourself together so that he can put all of his energy and thought into remaining ALIVE so that he can come home to his family in one healthy piece.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

The only reason you keep floating the I've go something to tell you line is YOUR guilt. I would stop it because it is just as a troubling to him as actually telling him. 

You must thell him the truth when he returns. You are acting very immature and irresponsible, but you know that so no need for a lecture. Hope things work out.


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## sakura (Sep 7, 2011)

lindy234 said:


> I agree,wait for him to come home.But first, you have to work on your own personal issues. Forgive yourself,love yourself. Appreciate what u have,kids,husband,home and a life. Associate yourself with things that will grow you personally and in your marriage. It's ok not to be ok but you have to make the effort to build your esteem and therefore your home. Visit your spiritual wellness, what do you believe in, hold on to that. Good luck!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:
I think this is excellent advice. I am the BS and my husband is in your same situation emotionally. He seems to really be beating himself up. He agonized all summer over whether or not to tell me and when he finally did, it seemed like a weight was off his shoulders and the healing could begin.

BUT - I am here. Safe. In a familiar situation. I think you need to give your husband the benefit of feeling safe in the marriage while he is overseas. Work on yourself, get to a place where you can forgive yourself. It sounds like he's willing to forgive. Give yourself forgiveness so you can give him that chance.

Best wishes!


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## useable (Aug 31, 2011)

be prepare for him divorcing you.
why regret cheating honey? why regret you messed up, where were all of the thoughts of messing around when you played with the SOB OM.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Have you been tested for STDs? If you haven't do so immediately. The last thing you want is to pass one to your husband.

Get yourself into some drug rehab as well as some IC (individual counseling) to address and resolve your emotional issues which lead you astray.

Only your actions in the right direction will mean anything.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You need too get tested for STDs and have the report to give him when he returns. 

You are right he will want sex so don't put his health at risk

Oh and have you stopped chatting with men? Have you stopped getting high?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

fadingIllusion said:


> P.s Does admitting it mean ANYTHING?! . . .Because I had people tell me it doesn't.


Yes, it does mean something. It means you respect him enough to tell him the truth about his marriage--the fact that you were not faithful to him.

He has a RIGHT to know the truth. He DESERVES the truth.

You said yourself the other man (OM) is a psycho. What is the OM tells him? If that happens, I can promise you the fallout will be 1000x worse. Also, you said a friend(s) knows. What if one of them tells? If he hears it from a third party, you can bet your bottom dollar it is going to be _so much worse_. 

I hope you have ended all contact wtih teh OM and gotten tested for STDs.

Respect your husband's wishes not to tell him until he gets home. That man is deployed right now. By your comments to him, he probably does suspect. Men/women alike have a way of suspecting/getting instincts about these things. When he gets home, tell him.

Stop doing drugs. You have a 9-month old baby. Why are you getting high???


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

DO NOT TELL HIM WHILE HE'S IN IRAQ!!! Even thought things have really calmed down over there; it's still an extremely dangerous place and he need to keep his head 100% focused on what he's doing. That's why he doesn't want to know right now. Plausable deniability. He knows what you did, but mentally he's trying to tell himself everything is okay at home.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

crossbar said:


> DO NOT TELL HIM WHILE HE'S IN IRAQ!!! Even thought things have really calmed down over there; it's still an extremely dangerous place and he need to keep his head 100% focused on what he's doing. That's why he doesn't want to know right now. Plausable deniability.


Well, aside from that MAJOR reason, he has specifically asked her and requested that she not tell him what she has to say until he gets home.

She should respect his wishes.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I agree with everybody else. Tell him over skype is just cruel. Dude is braving one of the most dangerous places for an American to be right now and he needs to have his mind right. He knows what you did...he knows.

Now you have to suck it up and live with it for his sake.


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

I think you need to get into therapy right now, get STD tested right now, and start keeping a personal diary in which you write everything that is going on inside you with total honesty. When he gets home you tell him you f'd up harder than you could ever imagine but have been trying to be the wife he deserves ever since and need his help. Give him the diary, invite him to your next therapy session, give him the STD test results showing you are uninfected, and then f him harder than he could ever imagine. 

Also, never forget that he has a heightened risk of mental illness and suicide as a war veteran and as a victim of infidelity. You must look after him and get him help if he needs it. So many men have come back from Iraq to their cheating wives and self-destructed, don't let him become another one.


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