# In limbo



## Lordemelo16 (Jan 3, 2018)

I have been married for 35 years to my husband. Married at 22 after dating/ knowing each other for only 9 months most of which he was living interstate. I was about to call off engagement but my very controlling parents pressured me not to as he was university educated, son of their friends and same cultural background. I had a strict upbringing and basically was not allowed much freedom and even afraid to go against their authority even as a 20 year old.
I never felt as though we really clicked, not my type of man but he was pleasant sort of person so I went with the flow but regretted soon after.

Fast forward, 2 kids are grown and left home. My husband and I do not have much in common . I know this sounds shalllow but he is 8 years my senior and quite old for his age. I am more outgoing and used to love dancing before I married him. He was never a dancer, nor interested plus shorter than me so we look odd together. 

On the positive side, he is a good person, not a drinker, not violent
and takes care of his elderly parents.

I have a few acquaintances but no best friends to confide in and feel lonely. I feel like we have grown apart, from constant disagreements all through our married life. I don’t love, or perhaps never did love him like a wife should.It has been more of a case of not having courage to leave, feel bad for him, guilt if I leave. But I am not happily married. I see other couples who appear to be happy, I feel like we miss out. I feel like I’m sacrificing my life from not being with the right person.

They always say try to remember what it was like in the beginning and recover that. But honestly there was not much there, no passion just busy working and bringing up kids. He is not an affectionate husband and I have never been either beacause of my lack of feelings to him.

I am told I am attractive and don’t look my age. Living my life in limbo not knowing if I should leave or just continue existing for the rest of my life this way. I know divorce is costly etc but financially could manage somehow. I had a short term online emotional affair but ended it as I know it is wrong for so many reasons.

I think that if I leave I have hope of finding happiness but could end up alone.

Any opinions would be appreciated.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It would help to know some other things about you and your situation. For example, have you been a SAHM (stay at home mom) all these years? Or do you have a job/career?

Did you get any education beyond high school?

Why don't you have many/any friends? Do you have things that you enjoy doing? Do you have hobbies? What do you do with your time?


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## Lordemelo16 (Jan 3, 2018)

EleGirl

Yes have post high school accountancy studies. Have worked until recently when casual contract ended but have not looked for work since as we are financially secure, plus not easy to land jobs at my age. 

I spent many years working since children were young, weekends were mostly dedicated to children and managing the house. Part of the reason why I did not form friendships. Before marriage lived with parents ( they immigrated from Europe after they married ) and basically i didn’t socialize outside the parents small circle of friends. They were strict and old fashioned. I married the first man I went out with... other guys had asked me out but my parents didn’t allow me to date until I finished my studies.

I do have hobbies but generally solo, like gardening and walking. Have joined club recently doing fitness but most are older people. Most of my age group I find still work. But I am trying to find a few more activities to keep busy, perhaps even volunteer. I get impression that by 50’s most people already have best friends and it is not easy to get included.

I understand that I should not rely on someone else for my happiness. My gut feeling before marriage was “no” but being an unassertive person didn’t follow my heart, but what others wanted......and that eats away at me.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Does he know you are unhappy?


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## Lordemelo16 (Jan 3, 2018)

Laurentium

Laurentium : I’ve mentioned many times we are different, and not compatible. He is a person that rarely shows emotion, which I guess is good in a way because I know many have a violent temper. He has a serious nature. 
He doesn’t get angry when I say that but never have told him I am unhappy. We have been together a long time and it’s hard to make people change their personality.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Lordemelo16 said:


> Laurentium
> 
> Laurentium : I’ve mentioned many times we are different, and not compatible. He is a person that rarely shows emotion, which I guess is good in a way because I know many have a violent temper. He has a serious nature.
> He doesn’t get angry when I say that but never have told him I am unhappy. We have been together a long time and it’s hard to make people change their personality.


So in other words, you're not even going to give him the opportunity to address the problem by actually communicating how unhappy you are.


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## username77 (Dec 27, 2017)

Lordemelo16 said:


> Fast forward, 2 kids are grown and left home. My husband and I do not have much in common . I know this sounds shalllow but he is 8 years my senior and quite old for his age. I am more outgoing and used to love dancing before I married him. He was never a dancer, nor interested plus shorter than me so we look odd together.


Him and probably 98% of all straight men... You can't dance with your girlfriends every now and again or take a class? Why can't dancing just be a hobby you do?

It's OK to not share hobbies and interests. This sounds to me like you've let yourself become complacent, gave up hobbies and interests of your own and are projecting that onto your husband.



Lordemelo16 said:


> I have a few acquaintances but no best friends to confide in and feel lonely.


Again this isn't your husbands issue. Not having friends is your problem.



Lordemelo16 said:


> I don’t love, or perhaps never did love him like a wife should.It has been more of a case of not having courage to leave, feel bad for him, guilt if I leave.


How ever would he have lived without the fake love of a woman who doesn't like him </sarcasm>. You really did him a lot of favors by wasting his entire life.



Lordemelo16 said:


> I am told I am attractive and don’t look my age. Living my life in limbo not knowing if I should leave or just continue existing for the rest of my life this way.


Just leave, the grass is always greener, and you've wasted enough of the guys life. Maybe he can find an honest and sincere woman to share the rest of his life with. You're not doing him any favors.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Were you two in love the last 35 years? How often were you being intimate (sex)?

I say if you aren't happy, then make changes to make yourself happy. Only YOU can make yourself happy. One life. No regrets. No such thing as soulmates.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Lordemelo16 said:


> I am told I am attractive and don’t look my age. Living my life in limbo not knowing if I should leave or just continue existing for the rest of my life this way. I know divorce is costly etc but financially could manage somehow. I had a short term online emotional affair but ended it as I know it is wrong for so many reasons.


Was it your EA partner who told you that you were attractive and didn't look your age?

Did you tell your husband about your EA?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

username77 said:


> Him and probably 98% of all straight men... You can't dance with your girlfriends every now and again or take a class? Why can't dancing just be a hobby you do?
> 
> .


I just about snorted my drink out my nose when I read that but it is so true. Most Adult, heterosexual are simply not dancers ( I'll do it now and then when get the whim but I will embarrass and scare everyone in a 25 ft radius of me) 

I you want to dance, go dance. There are a million other bored wives happy have a Ladies Night Out to go with you.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

:banghead::wtf::banghead::wtf::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead:So you chose to marry a good honest man that would be a good provider and father.

And now without even telling him your unhappy and would like to try to rekindle some romance and fun back into your marriage your thinking divorce?

After cheating on him?


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## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

Cheating...did I miss read something???


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

cma62 said:


> Cheating...did I miss read something???


"I had a short term online emotional affair but ended it as I know it is wrong for so many reasons."


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