# Not happy. Not sad. Not well.



## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

This morning, I feel odd. I did not spend the evening with my husband last night. I stayed back at my sister's house, where I have been living for almost eight months now. It felt good to be away from him, but I did miss his arms around me at night. I couldn't sleep.

I do know that if I just go home to my sister's house every night, I will get used to sleeping alone again, but the first week or so will be tough as it was in the beginning. I just like being held at night by him. I love snuggling. I think I am afraid to be alone. I don't mind the idea of being single, but it scares me.

My family, is annoyed with me for spending time with my husband. They tell me to stay away from him. My sister called me yesterday asking if I was alive. She said she wanted to make sure he hadn't buried me in his back yard. 

These things make me cry. Great, here I am at work, and now I cry. It almost feels good to cry. That pinch in my throat and jaw, and the flooding of my eyes almost feels like a release. I haven't cried in a while. If there is one thing I do know, it is that what my husband has done to me in the past still haunts and hurts me. The tears prove it.

I know that I am not well right now. I am simply functioning like a robot at times. The tears make me feel human. I wish I could cry more often, but I do whatever it takes to avoid the immense pain that comes just before the sobbing takes place.

I don't know where my mind is at right now. I love my husband, but still wish I did not. I think I am experiencing more confusion that I have ever felt in my life, even during times of abuse, which I remember made me feel nuts at times.

You guys must be so sick of hearing from me. I am sick of hearing myself. I feel like I annoy everyone around me with my mess, which is why I am here. Not to mention, anyone I speak to outside of this forum is biased. They all just tell me to divorce my husband, because they only see what I went through in the past. Nobody seems to believe that he can change. I am not sure I do either.

I just want to get out of the in between phase. I want to be able to clearly see what is best for me and what will make me happy.


----------



## ZoeCat (Nov 20, 2009)

Crisis - I am right here with you. I've been separated from my husband for 4 months now. I have some really good days and then I have days like today when nothing gets done and I'm a mess. I'm not so much thinking about him as I am just lost. I just went home for lunch and spent an hour crying - just to let it out. That's the one thing I've learned - don't hold it back... I'm getting used to going home to an empty house, but its the days when I have a bad day at work and I have no one to comfort me or encourage me. Those are the hardest.

I have not read your story, but I plan on it tonight. Hang in there and keep posting here. I found a lot of strength and good advice here... It helped me so much to post and just get my thoughts out. Just take it one day at a time.


----------



## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

Crisis-

Don't apologize for your posts. Everyone here has/ is going through the same emotional journey that you are, and are all willing to help. Its a safe place filled with amazing people. Continue to come back and rant, rave, ask question, etc...I know what you mean about biased opinions, thats why I came here myself. Sometimes we find the greatest solace in the company of strangers.

I'd suggest getting used to sleeping alone, and being independant. I too miss having my W to cuddle next to at night, but it does get easier with time. Do things for yourself, and gain some of your self-confidence again. Yes, being and feeling alone sucks, but not half as much as being dependent on someone else. You'll discover that the key to being truly and genuinly happy comes from within, not from others.

I know that you hope he can change, but its got to come from within him. There's nothing anyone can do to force it on him, and, honestly, spending time with him is NOT going to help. All it will do is keep empowering him, and hurt you. Think about it, why would/ should he change if you're still running back to him?

Test the waters a bit, see if you can get him to go to counseling. Don't push it and beg him to, just ask. If he says no, than for your sake, get out. Go no contact. Its hard as hell, but it will either get him to see the light...or it will be the first steps you need to take yourself to reclaim your life. 

And you'll find that you'll have days were you are miserable, and other days that you feel like you can take on the world. But its something you will have to do for yourself. Take back some of the power. 

I wish you all the best. Good luck and keep your head up!


----------



## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

I thank you guys so much for listening. My H has been in counseling for over seven months now. I think it is wonderful. He has read "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." I commend him for what seems to be an effort to change on his part. I am also very mad at him for waiting so many years, and until I had reached what may be the point of no return before trying to better himself and treat me right. He was so mean to me in the past, and the wounds feel like they are still fresh.

He seems so genuine in everything that he says to me. His friends tell me that he has changed. The look in his eyes tell me that he is hurting without me. It painful for me to see him like that. I wonder if my marriage could one day end up to be one of those success stories. Although, I know that most situations like mine don't pan out that way.

While I am so sorry that you guys may be going through the same thing as I, I am so grateful that I am not alone. I seem to change my mind from one moment to the next. I feel like I must be a crazy person at times. Emotions are hard for me to get in touch with right now. I feel like a typical guy or something. Or, like big girls don't cry. But, I want to cry. I want the release. Why don't I feel pain at times?

I have allowed my H to get close to me again, but still want my space. I want to be able to have nights without him, without even speaking to him. At times I feel overwhelmed by him. I feel like he consumes every moment that I have to myself, but want to see him at the same time.

My spending time with him has gone beyond what I wanted. I originally agreed to simply have dinner with him a couple of times a week, but it has more than quickly evolved into staying the night with him, and a couple of weekend trips to our tiny cabin three hours away. I enjoy my time with him, and he has been very kind and attentive to me, but seems to want it to be all or nothing. 

He gets frustrated at the fact that I don't want to have sex. He tries to get me to give a time frame for when I might come home.

Again, I have been enjoying the time that we have recently been spending together. I just don't want things to move so fast. I want to be able to take my time and make all decisions with a clear mind, without pressure. I don't want to get caught up in a false honeymoon phase. I want to be able to use my logic and wit.


----------



## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

Today, is not so bad. I am still in a state of confusion, but had a nice time with H last night. We went to dinner, then watched a movie.

I feel like I am beginning to get attached to him again. I don't want that though. I want to be able to keep my distance. 

My family thinks I am insane for seeing him. They constantly make cracks about my situation. For instance, my parents got a new puppy yesterday. They said they were going to name her after me, because then they would be assured that she would not run away. They are all disappointed in me. I haven't even called my biological father. He has no clue that I have been seeing my H. My father will be so concerned for my well-being if I tell him.

You know, I loved being married. I just wanted to be happily married. I wish my H could have always been nice to me, as he appears to be now.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Please, you really need to go "cold-turkey" on seeing him. If you promise yourself you can see him in 2 years (or 5, or whatever), and then fully commit to investigating what it is that makes you want to go back to someone who mistreated you, maybe it will make the break easier. In 2 years, God willing, you will not want to go back and you'll be wondering what the H*LL you ever saw in him or got out of that relationship.

Of course he is different now--you are not under his control! No matter what progress he's made, it is highly unlikely that his progress would continue if you returned. He'd have no incentive to keep trying. 

You are just torturing yourself with visiting him, as your family knows. If it takes moving to someplace far away to keep yourself away from him, do it. Get roommates and a minimum wage job if you must, but do it. You will find self-sufficiency so satisfying! You will learn that being alone is not scary and doesn't mean lonely--lonely is a state of mind, because a lot of people are lonely in a room full of people! 

Best of luck. And don't ever worry about posting-we don't have to read or reply if we don't want to!


----------

