# Husband on Anti-Depressant, No Intimacy. Advice please!



## rubberduck (Mar 4, 2011)

Hello everyone. I need some advice.

My husband and I have been married for nearly a year and a half now, and together for about 4 1/2 years. We're very happy together, but a recent problem has arisen. My husband has suffered from chronic headaches for about 12 years now and has been on several different medications for pain management, the latest one being Cymbalta, an anti-depressant. Since he started taking this medication, all intimacy has gone out the window.

We don't cuddle in bed anymore; he doesn't hug me or hold me close; he would rather watch porn while I'm away instead of having sex with me; we don't say "I love you" to each other before going to sleep anymore; our kisses over the past couple of weeks have been nothing but pecks; my advances have been refused multiple times and I have now given up on trying to engage in anything sexual with my husband and now, even regular conversation... it doesn't help that I'm 33 weeks pregnant and my "baby bump" sort of makes things awkward for him. He won't touch my belly. He has said that I look beautiful, but when it comes to intimacy, nothing is happening.

All of this has gotten worse since he started taking Cymbalta. He has also become fairly irritable. He took Oxycodone for pain management beforehand, but things got out of hand while he was on that medication (he went from 10mg to as much as 160mg in a matter of a few months and he could barely function without the Oxycodone), so I'm not sure if his snappy behaviour is also partially a withdrawal side effect. :scratchhead:

Is his behaviour because of the medication? How long will these effects last? How can I keep myself from taking everything personally? I'm feeling very depressed and lonely because of this situation. I love my husband deeply and don't want to lose him - relationship-wise or intimacy-wise. I just want my husband back.


----------



## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

His snappy behavior could be from the medication, but not completely sure. Have you looked at any possible side effects from it? His dose might be to high. I knew a guy who was my neighbor a few years ago and he was on Cymbalta, I remember him talking on the phone outside in his driveway,in a rage, yelling at someone, telling them he was going to kill them, and made it known by saying "Yeah that's right I'm on Cymbalta too!" My husband and I both heard this when we were on our back deck. 

My first reaction to my husband was, Umm maybe he needs to get off that Cymblata, lol! It could have been a combination of him just being angry in general and the medication, or maybe it in fact was the meds that made him act like that. Some meds can have a decrease in sex drive, so it could be the meds, however the porn I do not think is coming from the medication, but more of his choice.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

SNRIs used for pain management don't have many options and the sexual side effects are rampant. Talk to your doctor. You did not note if his pain arises out of diabetes. If yes then this is another significant factor in depressed libido.


----------



## rubberduck (Mar 4, 2011)

@ Runs like Dog: no, he has been checked for diabetes. The doctors aren't totally sure what has been causing his chronic headaches. He has also been checked for aneurysms, tumours, etc. ... infections are next to be ruled out.

@ AgentD: He is on the lowest dosage available -- 30mg per day, no more, no less. He seems to be doing well, pain management-wise, on Cymbalta, which makes me happy to know. I don't want him to be in pain, nor do I expect him to quit any medications which relieve that pain, but having to deal with his snappy behaviour has been hard to adjust to. Combine that with the lack of sex and all things lovey-dovey and it makes for a very frustrated, upset wife.

I've looked into Cymbalta's side effects, one of which are lowered libido. However, I couldn't find any information on whether or not this is a side effect which remains or disappears after a few weeks of taking Cymbalta. If this is the effects of taking just 30mg, I'd hate to see how things are while on much higher doses.

Personally, I don't mind that he looks at porn, in a general sense. It's the fact that he would rather look at it instead of having actual sex with me, even when I'm in the same apartment with him, that makes me feel low, and that feeling is worsened by the complete lacking of non-sexual intimacy.

Sigh.


----------



## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Report the side effects to the prescriber.

What is causing the headaches?


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Yes, 'fibromyalgia" is another name for "We have no earthly clue". Most SSRI/SNRIs side effects, whatever they happen to be, last as long as one takes the drug. But it's REALLY important to NOT simply stop taking them. You can't do that without some wicked and dangerous things happening. The only SSRI shown to have minimal effects on sex is Wellbutrin. And that unfortunately does nothing to ameliorate pain.


----------



## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Runs like Dog said:


> The only SSRI shown to have minimal effects on sex is Wellbutrin.


Wellbutrin is not a SSRI. It works by norepinephrine-dopamine reuptake inhibition, rather than being a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor.

It's kind of like cocaine-lite. :smthumbup:


----------



## rubberduck (Mar 4, 2011)

@ Atholk: honestly, the doctors aren't too sure what's causing the headaches. He has had them since he was about 10 years old, has been to several doctors over the years and they've gotten worse over time. I married him, knowing this, and don't plan on leaving him for something he can't control. I love my husband dearly. That's why it's so important to me to either:

a) get this intimacy problem fixed, or
b) learn how to adjust to dealing with someone taking Cymbalta


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Viagra would help the hydraulics.


----------



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Anti-Depressants can have many side effects. Some that may or may not get better or go away with time. Cymbalta includes, headaches, stomach cramps, sexual libido loss, Insomnia, sweating,shakiness and muscle pain and anxiety just to name a few. 

There are some people who do not experience much of any of these side effects and some will go away with time, some may not. Medications affect people differently. I remember growing up, I could take a strong cough medicine with no problems, my brother on the other hand could take the same cough meds, and it put him out cold. It just depends on the person. 

However, with most anti depressants, if suicidal thoughts pop up, or depression worsens he needs to be seen by a doc! IMO I do think anti depression meds can be helpful but sometimes they can also work against you, especially the longer you are on them.


----------



## rubberduck (Mar 4, 2011)

I really appreciate all of you taking the time out to respond.

@ Runs like Dog: I've thought about this. However, if I were to ask my husband about taking Viagra, wouldn't that seem like a kick straight in his pride? He is only 22 years old.

Cymbalta is a pretty interesting medication, from what I can tell. In addition to loss of libido, he has also lost most of his appetite. When he first started taking it, he also had shaking hands and insomnia, but those two reactions seem to have passed. The first day he took it, it seemed like his personality was completely numbed. No emotions, wouldn't look me in the eye... but this has also passed after a few days, thankfully.

Yesterday, I told him that we need to have a discussion soon. Before I mentioned the topic, he apologized for being "rejecting, moody and pissy," so he knows how he is acting, partially, at least. After telling him that the discussion would be about general intimacy, he didn't have an initial reaction, but later on, I did get more kisses in the matter of an hour than I had gotten from him in the past three weeks. It's a start. 

Now if only I could get him in the sack...


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Hey a fix is a fix. I'm deaf in one ear and not all that decrepit so a hearing aid isn't an insult to me.


----------



## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Try a combination therapy using an SSRI together with a non SSRI antidepressant like Wellbutrin. Unlike the SSRI's Wellbutrin actually raises sexual desire and in the right combination can cancel out the libido lowering effects of the SSRI. It also, depending on the dosage, will give him more energy.


----------



## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

The anti-depressants are a red herring. The Cymbalta has made things worse it seems as well.

You're just going to have to take matters into your own hands and start researching the headaches and find the source of them. You can't reply on the doctors.

Start food allergy testing if you haven't done that.


----------



## rubberduck (Mar 4, 2011)

The Cymbalta has helped him, headache-wise. He says his headaches are relieved much more now on 30mg Cymbalta than when he took other medications, no matter what the dosage was.

I would love to be able to say that it's just the anti-depressant which is causing him to be this way, but it's not. That would be hopeful wishing. I know that it's also additional stress in his daily life, as well as my pregnancy, which has made him this way. He wanted this child, but I can tell that he hates my pregnant body. I'm not huge and I haven't gained weight all over. Most of the additional weight is packed into a neat, perfectly round bump. However, he won't touch it and has said in the past that my rounded belly makes things awkward for him. That didn't stop him from having sex with me at that point, though.

@ Atholk: I never thought about food allergy testing. I'll mention it to my husband and doctor to see if it could help.


----------



## goldie623 (Mar 25, 2011)

First and foremost he needs the headaches treated. He cannot function with severe daily headaches. Have you tried seeing a headache specialist? 

I would do that. I know that Topamax and Wellbutrin arfe commonly used because they do not have any sexual side effects. See a headache specialist and also maybe a psychiatrist. AGet him on a proper dose of an antidepressant and whatever else he needs for the headaches. Then, you can work on the sex part. there are the viagras, cialis and similar, as well as making sure his testosterone levels are up to snuff. Good luck!


----------



## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

Anti-depressants can affect people in unexpected ways. I was on one for a while and later my wife would call it the worst year in her life. My behavior went completely off the rails, and at the top of the list was an extreme anxiety over physical intimacy, among other things. I knew what I was doing and how I was making my wife feel, but I couldn't force myself to do anything about it. Within a week of getting off that med, I was back to normal and ready to try something else.

Also, if you're this close to birth, is it possible that you could be projecting your own feelings about your appearance onto him? If so, you might just have to be stoic and wait until after the baby comes, and a lot of this may work itself out then.

As a guy, I would highly recommend against Viagra, especially for someone as young as your husband is. As I understand it, Viagra and those other "male enhancers" are designed to work strictly on erections, and not preliminary arousal.

This has got to be a tough time for you. The final stages of pregnancy have been very stressful on both my female friends and their partners. Maybe the two of you can come up with some ways to be intimate without intercourse. If you're not bothered by the porn but just in the lack of interest, maybe you could find something less graphic and more erotic that you could watch together. Conversely, maybe he thinks that you really don't want sex right now, and you could find pregnancy porn (Rule #34: it's out there and it's easier than you think to find) that you could show him that pregnant women can still enjoy sex well into the third trimester.

Those are just some ideas. Between exploring the possibility of changing the medication with his doctor and reminding him that you're interested in sex and in him, I think you'll be able to work this out.


----------

