# "I love you, but I'm not sure I'm still in love with you." Ouch.



## bobcatgrad1977 (Aug 10, 2011)

My wife and I have known each other for 12 years, married for just over 9 of them. We're both 34 and have two small children, a boy who is 7 and little girl who is 4. 

In many ways, we are the traditional "opposites attract" story:

She is the 'harder' person in the relationship, I'm the more sensative one. 
She is more outgoing, I'm a bit more restrained. 
She is spontaneous, I'm pragmatic.

It's always been that way. 99% of the time it works out great. We both for years and years have told everyone what a great relationship we have. She's a wonderful woman. 

About a month ago, she decided to get back in shape. She didn't like how her body had turned out after our second child and wanted to fit back into her old clothes. Near the same time, she started going back out with her sister (40) on Saturday evenings to go salsa dancing. I didn't mind. She loves it, always has. The two have been doing it since before my wife and I met.

Things seemed great.

Last week, she and the kids went with her two sisters and mother to the Jersey shore for a vacation. I did not go for dual reasons: I don't get along with one of her sisters (not the one she goes dancing with who is wonderful person who is being very supportive to me in this whole mess) and I also had a conference to go to at the same time.

My wife and her sisters went out almost every night while up there. Honestly, it didn't bother me. I trusted her. Still do. I happened to see a picture where she was not wearing her wedding ring, and that hurt, but I still trust her.

Now, while they were gone, she and I talked one night. She mentioned that the night they all got home, she and her sister were going to go out dancing. I got a little upset. I wouldn't have seen her or the kids for almost 10 days and I was looking forward to getting the chance to spend some time with her. She got upset with me, telling me "you can't tell me what to do." To which, I responded, "No, but I can ask you to spend a little time with me. Things went poorly from there.

The night she got home (last Saturday), she and her sister ended up going out, after we had another dust up. Over the next couple of days, we've had a few talks about what is going on, and she floors me last night with the, "I love you, but I'm not sure I'm still in love with you" line. She starts saying how she does not really feel passion for me anymore and is starting to wonder what else is out there.

Needless to say, I'm stunned. Hurt. A wreck. Sleep already was not coming along very well, but last night was the worst night of my life.

She is hard and not very emotional. I am willing to do what it takes to make this marriage work, but she's already thinking "maybe I need time alone and away from you." Now, the rational part of me is saying, "She just spent a week partying with her two single sisters and she's going through something...wait it out." But I don't want to stand back and do nothing when now is the time I need to throw my entire heart and soul into this.

She says she still loves me and cares for me, but wants more excitement in her life. Now, I'm willing to do what I can to provide that, but I'm sort of floundering about here. I want nothing more than to reach out to her and hug her, but for her, that's about the worst thing I can do right now. She does not like to be smothered. And even if I'm not actually doing it, her perception is that even a kind word, pat, or squeeze is 'smothering.'

I want our marriage and family to work. I'm the child of a divorce--I was eight--and I can say for certain, it was hell. I do not want to put my kids through that. She's already mentioned that, "If things come to that, they'll be okay. You'll be okay." All I can do is stare at her and say, "No...no we won't."

I'm not a perfect man, husband, or father by any means, but I still believe 98% of our life together is good. 

How do I help her realize that same fact?

I made a commitment to her 9+ years ago that I intend to keep. I'm sorta lost right now...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

_*"I love you, but I'm not sure I'm still in love with you." Ouch.*_

...Usually translates to: there is a third party involved.

The signs are all there. Going out a lot, wants out suddenly, need excitement, losing weight/looking good, and the dreaded speech "ILYBINILWY." 

Find out if it's an affair first so you can rule that out. Can you check her phone logs w/o her knowing? Internet?

If you accuse and it's really going down, then she will take it underground and hide it better.

If it's not an affair, great. 

You need to sit her down and tell her you will do any/everything to restore your marriage relationship. Tell her and acknowledge where you went wrong, validate what she is saying, and offer going to marriage counselling. Go. 

If she still wants out, *do NOT NOT NOT * beg/plead/cry with her to stay. When someone wants out even after you telling them you want to work it out, you open up the door for them and let them go.


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## bobcatgrad1977 (Aug 10, 2011)

Jellybeans -

Believe it or not, I really don't believe there is someone else. Her sister would tell me - she's there every time with her. To be honest, she doesn't have time to cheat. I actually trust her 100%. 

After the rough night last evening, I already promised myself no more begging. I will offer to go to counseling, already have contacted a few different counselors. 

Her sister thinks she's being utterly ridiculous...


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

It sounds as though the time with her sisters reminded her of the time in her life when she went out, had fun, had little responsibilities. She may also have gotten some attention from men and reflected on her life back then vs. now.

Do you feel your marriage has been in a rut the last few years? Work, kids, daily routine? You may just need to step it up....start going on dates with her (once a week, etc) not to talk about work/kids but to spend time together as a couple....I would suggest reading The 5 Love Languages by Chapman....just picking up a book like this may give you some insight.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

bobcat, RED FLAGS everywhere in this. Don't believe what she is saying and DO NOT trust her 100%. Give her the appearance of benefit of the doubt but you MUST investigate this now if you want to save your relationship.

Your story is exactly like mine, except in my W's case she has no "sisters" she has a group of "sisters from other misters" that she's built up over the last couple years. I too was in denial, and never thought my W could betray me like that. She did though.

Go look in her underwear drawer and I bet you will find some sexy lingerie you've never seen before.

If I am wrong then no big deal you can tell me to shut up and I will. But you need to stop talking and start doing. Don't tell her you will improve yourself, just start doing it and also start defining your boundaries and expressing what you need from HER to fix this. Don't be the nice guy doormat, if she is not meeting your needs and not putting your marriage first you can't accept that, protect your marriage friend!


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## bobcatgrad1977 (Aug 10, 2011)

Sweedish -

Has our marriage been in a rut? I would have to say yes. But we still had a good life, I thought. She and I almost never, ever fight. 

How do I get her to agree to going on dates/counseling when she's already saying things like, "Maybe we should spend some time apart?"

Two weeks ago, things were fine. Maybe not underneath it all, but to go from that to this seems drastic.


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## bobcatgrad1977 (Aug 10, 2011)

Lon - I've already started down the path of 'doing' not 'saying.' I made that commitment to myself at 5 AM this morning.

I may be naive, but I really don't think anything has happened yet. She made it a point to tell me that if she did want to, she'd tell me first. And she's hard enough that she would do just that, even it that would rip me up.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

bobcat, I'm just giving you this warning that there are so many things that add up to infidelity, and if so then everything she "says" is completely unreliable - if she has an OM everything she is saying about you and your relationship is being clouded by the intensity she is feeling with someone new, in order to justify her actions she is lying not only to you but to herself. It is called the FOG that every unfaithful spouse is in at some point.

You are trying to solve the problem under the assumption that she has remained faithful, but until you KNOW the real problem that aproach is only harming your chances of fixing this. Seriously man, listen to what she says but you have the right to remain VERY suspicious here and it is your duty to investigate - it is not snooping because as a married unit you are supposed to be transparent with each other. If she gets defensive that you are snooping its because she is hiding something, if she loves you and her marriage and has remained truthful with you then she will welcome the effort you are putting in to get on the same page.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

bobcatgrad1977 said:


> Jellybeans -
> 
> Believe it or not, I really don't believe there is someone else.


Nobody ever thinks there is someone else. 

Just saying.

Rule out an affair first then operate from there.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

BobCat,

You sound like a nice guy.

That's likely at the root of your problems.

Pull your head out and see how many souls have been down this path. Get it together now.

Here's a good place to start.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html


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## confused36 (Mar 16, 2011)

WOW! I soo feel for you. I am going through a very similiar situation. This has been going on since Feb. and I have been doing everything possible to fix my marriage. I too have been making the effort on my own. And my Daughter is my number one priority. I do NOT want to break up her family. I hope you go into counseling and things change for the better. If they don't, just know you will get through this. I have finally found my anger at the situation I find myself in, and I have completely pulled away from my husband (in spirit if not in proximity, he can't afford to move out). You will find you have way more inner strength then you ever though possible. Good luck to you!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

BobCat,

One last thing. When it comes to affection, you admit you're the "warmer partner" of the couple.

You need to read the following link in it's entirety. It's likely every "loving" act you provide is working against you.

When you smother, the cooler partner feels they cannot breathe.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html

Take it from the other "warmer partners" here.

This is a board full of them.


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## bobcatgrad1977 (Aug 10, 2011)

Conrad - 

Thanks to for the links to both threads. There's a lot for me to think on in there.

A lot.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

People very rarely use that line unless they are feeling warm and giddy about someone else. Just be careful that something isn't happening already.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

bobcatgrad1977 said:


> How do I get her to agree to going on dates/counseling when she's already saying things like, "Maybe we should spend some time apart?"


bobcatgrad1977,

Are you staying in the house with the kids while she "spends some time apart"?

Are you a religious man?


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## bobcatgrad1977 (Aug 10, 2011)

Soccerfan -

I'm hoping that's not the case. Her sister and her are super, ridiculously close. I flat out asked her sister if something was going on, and she insisted there was no such thing. And honestly, I believe her. That doesn't mean there's not, but I trust they are both telling me the truth. Her sister is on my side in this whole thing.

Ten Year hubby -

We haven't arrived at any sort of decision about anything yet. She says she is willing to work on things, so I don't think a separation is imminent. Then again, two weeks ago, things seemed okay. Suffice it to say, there are no current plans to do anything about that.

If it were to come to that, I'm not sure who would go, honestly. Me or her.

As far as religion - no, not really. But that doesn't mean I haven't been praying like a fiend the past few days.


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## bobcatgrad1977 (Aug 10, 2011)

Conrad, I read through that thermostat one. Damn, that's freaking us. Me=hot, her=cool.

I'm going to do my damndest to put some of that into effect, along with some of the "Man Up" stuff.

Do, not say.

I can honestly say that I don't feel rudderless right now. I feel like I have a plan...and I'm going to do what needs to be done.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

It works.

Pay special attention to my thread on fitness testing.

I guarantee you've been failing those.

Turn that around and things change - quickly.

Take her off the pedestal and quit deferring to her as if she's your mother.




bobcatgrad1977 said:


> Conrad, I read through that thermostat one. Damn, that's freaking us. Me=hot, her=cool.
> 
> I'm going to do my damndest to put some of that into effect, along with some of the "Man Up" stuff.
> 
> ...


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

bobcatgrad1977 said:


> Soccerfan -
> 
> I'm hoping that's not the case. *Her sister and her are super, ridiculously close*. I flat out asked her sister if something was going on, and she insisted there was no such thing. And honestly, I believe her. That doesn't mean there's not, but *I trust they are both telling me the truth. Her sister is on my side in this whole thing.*
> 
> ...


If her sister and her are that close what one feels the other feels, so the SIL is not on your side she is on your W's side, you are just assuming they are both on your side too.

If your W is the one asking for space SHE is the one that needs to leave, don't leave YOUR HOME, YOUR BED, YOUR FAMILY.

Whatever is happening I know it isn't easy for you right now, but you are doing good by making a plan for yourself and reading these forums. Good luck!


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Blood is thicker than water. I would do some investigating.....


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Bobcat----i definitely agree with the others. Check it out. My story is rediculously similar to yours. If there is no third party, (there wasn't in mine), you have an excellent chance that this will turn out great. It is a HARD road ahead. I do not envy you. Settle in and start working on you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Your wife is having an affair.

Your sister is enabling it.

Stop dancing around this, and deal with it directly.

Stop the "I trust her" nonsense. Your wife's behavior is what you should pay attention to, not your own emotions and feelings. Her behaviors are screaming affair.

Get yourself in fighting mode, and begin to fight very hard if you do not want your children being raised by divorced parents.

Starting right now, stop letting your wife run your marriage into the ground and begin running the marriage to your own tune.

Her running around, it must stop. Be firm on this. To the point that you make it clear that her bags can be packed and she can find herself out on the street kind of firm.

I am deadly serious, if it is not already too late, it is only a matter of time for her to be physically cheating with you with some who-knows-what kind of man. All the signs are there. ILYBINILWY, "you can't tell me what to do", etc etc etc. All of them scream AFFAIR.

Fight, and fight hard.

Study the links in the men's forum, in them is everything you need to do regarding yourself.

Regarding your woman, you must present her with the "man made of stone willing to move heaven and hell whatever it takes to save the marriage and do well for the children" kind of man.

Muster inside yourself this man, before it becomes even later than it already is!

I wish you well.


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## bobcatgrad1977 (Aug 10, 2011)

Funny how the answers I get can be so varried. 

For those of you convinced she is having an affair, I am sorry to disappoint you, but I do not. She is stupidly, brutally honest with me--to the point of being hurtful without meaning to be. If she were cheating, she would tell me. Regarding her sister, as good of friends they are, they are complete opposites as well. She would tell me if something were going on. I point blank asked both of them last night, and got answers I am happy with.

So, I'm starting from a place of trust. That is my choice, and I'm making it. 

I spent a lot of time thinking yesterday--much of it prompted from what I read here (seriously, Conrad, thanks a ton for the links). I got out of work a little early, and went to the bookstore, picked up a few books, and then went to the gym for 90 minutes...God, the energy I had just needed to get out. 

I made the decision that I need to make myself happy. I need to be a better man, because I have grown lax and lazy in our relationship and family life. I need to take charge of me, make my happiness important, and the confidence will follow.

I got home first, started making dinner (she had the kids at gymnastics), and when she got home, I was friendly but a little cool. I did not come at her about anything. I just chit-chatted about mundane stuff for a bit. Finally, she asked, "So...what have you been thinking."

I looked at her and said, "First, I will not beg. I'm done with that. I've decided to take control of me and my happiness. I still think we have a good foundation of a relationship and I believe we owe it to ourselves, each other, the kids, and the life we built to see if this can be worked out."

She stared at me, a little stunned. And then for the next two hours, she and I had a really good, honest conversation. In the end, we agreed to take it day by day, go to marriage counselling, and see what happens. She reached out to me and gave me a hug, at which point I said--wait. I want your affection to be true affection, not consolement. We discussed what I meant by that, and we agreed on some ground rules for the time being. Holding hands: okay. Hugs: okay. Kissing: since she is the one with "passion" issues, she can initiate when ready. Anything beyond that, I told her she needs to be doing it for the right reason and she agreed. She is still my best friend, so we're starting from that point right now.

We put the kids to bed together, talked a little more, and then she went to the gym. I was amazed at how good I felt. I was solid and confident in what had happened. I'd lie if I didn't say I had moments where I got emotional, but I focused on what I can do now, and tried to push away the fear. Fear helps nothing. It disables.

I chatted with her sister for a while when she was gone, and she said my wife had already called her and mentioned the sudden change in my attitude. We talked for a while, and she said she was going to sit her down and have a serious "Come to Jesus" talk with her today. We'll see what happens with that.

When my wife got home, I was cordial, asked her how her workout went, etc. She came to bed and wanted to talk again. She said she was really happy we had talked so much earlier. I said, "Me too." And then she started using terms that were not all about 'the end.' Instead of "I think we need to separate," it was, "I hope this works." Instead of "the kids will be fine if we're apart,' it was "we owe it to the kids to work on things." I said, "Yes, we do." 

She still has issues, admitting that she's afraid she's missing out on something. I said, "You might be. But that's no reason to throw away everything you have immediately. Let's try to find the root of the reason you feel that way and address it. If you can't get past what you are feeling, then we'll cross the next bridge when we come to it."

Then she asked if I wanted to have sex...

After a brief WTF moment, I said, "No. Things need to get settled. And the next time you ask me that question, make sure it's coming from the right place. One of love and passion for me."

She smiled and said, "Okay. Deal."

This morning was a good one. I slept better, but still woke up early and couldn't fall back asleep as my mind raced. So, I got up at 5:45 and went for a run. Then I came back and read half of "How to Hold Onto Your N.U.T.S." Wow...some really good things in there for me. Especially the whole, "Get rid of the little boy" thing. And Emotions are not Feelings; control the emotions, understand the feelings.

My wife and I have a date this Friday. We're going to go to the waterpark in the afternoon (no kids, just us so we can ride the waterslides the kids can't), then dinner and drinks somewhere. And we're going to talk...really talk.

Our first counseling session is next week. 

I'm compiling my N.U.T.S. list and will make an effort to 'get me good' first, and I think a lot of things will follow.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

_I love you, but I'm not sure I'm still in love with you._

Shorter form: "I am a coward"


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You handled everything really well but if I were you I woulda said everything you did and then added" and if we try and you decide you want to terminate this, I will respect your decision." That is TRULY giving her what she thinks/says she wants. It will floor her. Trust me. And it will make you look amazing.

Good on you for going to marriage counselling with her. 

Also, extra points for you for not giving into sex.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I think you handled everything well. You can see that tough and strong is what will get you out of this mess.

If she isn't having an affair, she is trying to give herself permission to fool around with someone else. When a wife says this, it means to her "I told you I am going to fool around with someone else, and your lack of action told me that that was sure ok with you". So, the independent behavior and going out dancing should be one of your nuts, as well as how long you are willing to be in a marriage where ILYBNINLY is "allowed" to be the definition of your relationship.


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## bobcatgrad1977 (Aug 10, 2011)

Hicks said:


> If she isn't having an affair, she is trying to give herself permission to fool around with someone else. When a wife says this, it means to her "I told you I am going to fool around with someone else, and your lack of action told me that that was sure ok with you".


I really think this is at the heart of the issue. 

I have not been doing what I need to be a strong person and man. I've turned her off, and I think what she's searching for is simply something I haven't been providing. I think by working on me--which I need to do anyway--we can find our way back to a strong relationship.

Both her sister and I think she is almost looking for me to react adversely to all this and yell and scream. She would use it as an excuse to shut down and walk out. She'd go off, do something I think she'd end up regretting, but justify it to herself she was right it doing it. I won't give her that satisfaction or opportunity. 

Funny thing - when I pointed that out to her last night, she admitted, "Yeah...I suppose I might be doing that exact thing..."

I will continue to do, not say and take things one day at a time.

My heart still is pounding off an on when I think about things, but I have much better control over my emotions right now. I feel like a plan is set in place for the time being.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Make this plan permanent.

Strive to be the lower thermostat partner - and display the masculine mystery that she fell in love with.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

And - NEXT TIME - she offers you sex, take her without a word. AND - take no prisoners.

Don't even worry about her pleasure. Take it for you.

Wait until you see her response to that.


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## bobcatgrad1977 (Aug 10, 2011)

Here's my first pass at my N.U.T.S. list:

My kids come first. Always.

My happiness is important.

I will control my emotions. They will not control me.

I will work hard at everything I do.

When I say I’m going to do something, I’m going to do it. No excuses.

I will not ‘smother’ anyone. It’s pathetic. 

I will find a hobby, reconnect with old friends, and have a life for me.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Conrad said:


> And - NEXT TIME - she offers you sex, take her without a word. AND - take no prisoners.
> 
> Don't even worry about her pleasure. Take it for you.
> 
> Wait until you see her response to that.


:iagree:

It was kind of a missed opportunity. On one hand a failed attempt at lovemaking would have worked against you. On the other hand you have to want to enjoy your woman. Next time she offers herself take her and be a selfish, but passionate lover. Enjoy every inch of what she is offering and just focus on your pleasure because it will make her feel attractive and wanted.


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## bobcatgrad1977 (Aug 10, 2011)

Lon said:


> :iagree:
> 
> It was kind of a missed opportunity. On one hand a failed attempt at lovemaking would have worked against you. On the other hand you have to want to enjoy your woman. Next time she offers herself take her and be a selfish, but passionate lover. Enjoy every inch of what she is offering and just focus on your pleasure because it will make her feel attractive and wanted.


I'll have to think on this one.

Part of me understands your point, part of me wants to figure things out...

Good news... she just texted me and told me to wait for her to go to the gym (she dropped kids off with Grandma for two nights - something planned a long time ago). I was going to go after work, but she asked if I'd wait for her, have dinner, and then go for 2 hours. I'm encouraged both by the fact she initiated, and she wants me along on what had recently been her "time to think." 

Any pitfalls I should worry about?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

bobcatgrad1977 said:


> I'll have to think on this one.
> 
> Part of me understands your point, part of me wants to figure things out...
> 
> ...


She’s got and you’ve given her the initiative back. Which is ok if you prefer following to leading.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

AFEH said:


> She’s got and you’ve given her the initiative back. Which is ok if you prefer following to leading.


Spot on and so true. It's subtle though and hard to catch if you aren't paying attention.


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## bobcatgrad1977 (Aug 10, 2011)

AFEH said:


> She’s got and you’ve given her the initiative back. Which is ok if you prefer following to leading.


In a total vacuum, I'd concede your point. 

But when one of my conditions to her while we figure things out is, "We need to spend time together and do things - just us," is coupled with the fact that she's the cool one/I'm the hot one in terms of thermostat, I see her reaching out to me to ask to work out together as a positive, not a negative.

I see her making an effort. Just like I think my interaction with her last night showed her I was making an effort.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> Spot on and so true. It's subtle though and hard to catch if you aren't paying attention.


The real risk with letting her "lead" is that it will feel familiar to each of you.

So easy to slide back into passive, "yes dear" Mr. Nice Guy.

Re-read my thread about fitness testing.

She wants to see your masculine mettle.

"Yes dear" isn't part of that.


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## bobcatgrad1977 (Aug 10, 2011)

Conrad said:


> The real risk with letting her "lead" is that it will feel familiar to each of you.
> 
> So easy to slide back into passive, "yes dear" Mr. Nice Guy.
> 
> ...


That's why the date tomorrow is all based on my decision. 

I'm committed to focusing on my needs and wants. And will continue to do so. I will no longer lay down and be Mr. Nice Guy, but I am not about to stiff arm her the first time she makes an effort to do what I told her I need her to do.

I know my wife. Her reaction would be, "WTF? You asked me to do this and then you say no?" She would shut down and the little good we've worked out in the past 24 hours would go 'poof!' She's a stubborn SOB, this is a huge step for her. 

Now... I'm running the workout, though.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

bobcatgrad1977 said:


> she just texted me and *told *me to wait for her


Look I know you don't see what we do but look at your choice of words. She "told" you what to do. Implies you are the follower not the leader.

Then you further go on to say how that you are scared of what will happen if you say no to her. Again means she's in charge. 

Think about it.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, I agree here with the others.

Call her and say, "I can't make it tonight, but let's do it [tomorrow, saturday, whatever]."

When she tells you to wait for her, tell her sorry, you have to be somewhere but you'll be there at [whatever time] so meet you there if she wants.

It's all about the words. You are making progress, but it will slip RIGHT BACK to where it was if you don't practice some key things.

My husband turns me down the first time I ask anything. lol. Good for him. It turns me on.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> Look I know you don't see what we do but look at your choice of words. She "told" you what to do. Implies you are the follower not the leader.
> 
> Then you further go on to say how that you are scared of what will happen if you say no to her. Again means she's in charge.
> 
> Think about it.


When your fear of her reaction dissipates, you'll have arrived.

No doubt there's been progress. Just be mindful that you don't give it back.

Never forget what she had planned for you.

In Hebrew, "spouse" means adversary. How you manage that natural conflict will keep (or not keep) her attracted to you.


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## bobcatgrad1977 (Aug 10, 2011)

Huh.

Again. You all have given me a bunch to think about. 

Damn. This whole thing is hard.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

bobcatgrad1977 said:


> Huh.
> 
> Again. You all have given me a bunch to think about.
> 
> Damn. This whole thing is hard.


We've been there.

It's no fun.


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## bobcatgrad1977 (Aug 10, 2011)

Quick update for those of you that care:

Things are on the right track. Her attititude has shifted from one of absolute conviction that things are over to one of 'we need to work this out.'

We had a good weekend, just her and me on Friday, and then a family day on Sunday. Many of the personal changes I've made for myself have helped me handle things better, and she even mentioned something about my change it attitude. I told her, "Thanks, but I'm not doing it for you."

I'm taking it day by day, but her mind does not seem set to be on heading out the door. She wants to give this a chance and figure out what's at the root of all of this. For us, the kids, and the life we have. 

I found this article: Free Marriage Tips and Advice - I Love You but I am not in love with you anymore and shared it with her... she said, "God, that sounds just where I'm at..."

Lots of work ahead, but I'm committed to myself, my family, and my marriage--and it seems like she is now, too. Our first counselling session is Friday, followed by a family afternoon and evening at a hot air balloon festival. 

Ignoring the fact I really miss her touch right now (she's still hesitant to be physical much, thinking the feelings should come first -- which I disagree with, but have left her alone in that fashion), I am being strong and moving forward. 

I'll be the damn rock in the marriage and she can thank me later.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

conrad said:


> *When your fear of her reaction dissipates, you'll have arrived.*


Ding ding ding!


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## pinkhoneybee (Aug 28, 2011)

bobcatgrad1977 said:


> My wife and I have known each other for 12 years, married for just over 9 of them. We're both 34 and have two small children, a boy who is 7 and little girl who is 4.
> 
> In many ways, we are the traditional "opposites attract" story:
> 
> ...


oh bob, i really feel for you...the same thing happened with me and my partner 4 weeks ago only he has been saying that line i love you but i'm not in love with you for about the last 7 and a half years and we've only been together for 8! So i have lived through with the constant anxiety that he is not happy and will one day just leave for the entirety of our relationship. It wasn't until 4 weeks ago that i finally decided after having had a baby with him (now 6 7 months old) that i couldn't put up with it anymore and tbh its been the biggest relief - i didn't realize quite how much his 'uncertainty' about 'us' was affecting me but like you i had many a sleepless night worrying about it. So i just want to say that i feel for you and if you have any strength my advice would be to get out of the relationship because having lived with someone very similar to your wife - it's very unhealthy and you deserve more.


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