# Dealing with an aggressive husband



## Down and Out (Dec 18, 2014)

I am at a total loss about dealing with my husband's behavior. He is 38 years old and does things that I would expect from a rebellious teenager.

Today we were driving down the main street of our town and a school bus pulled right out in front of us. It was a fairly obnoxious thing to do and we both agreed on that. My husband went around the bus and we continued down main street. Two blocks down, in the center of town, the bus came up beside us and my husband made the motion of ****ing a gun and aiming at the driver! He has done this on one other occasion and I could not believe he was doing it again. I asked him why in the world he would do that and he knew I was upset about it. He immediately launched into a tirade about how he hates it when I do stuff like that and that I have a divisive attitude  I told him I didn't know what to say to him when he does stuff that I find shocking and he told me not to say a word to him. He said I needed to just let it go because all I did was make it worse and he wasn't talking to me about it anymore.

Am I crazy? Am I the only one who thinks that it's very unacceptable to do stuff like that? :scratchhead: I will take any feedback I can get on this.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

I definitely don't think you over reacted. In this day & age you have to be careful with such hand gestures. The bus driver could've called the cops on your husband thinking he had an actual gun.

Not sure what type of advice I can give you on how to get through to your husband though. How can he not think that is totally inappropriate & childish?:scratchhead:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yea, that was not cool of him. Did you point out to him that not only could his action be considered a threat... it was also a very bad example to kids who were on the bus.

How often does he do things like this?

What is his behavior at home? Is he angry and acting out at home as well?


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## Down and Out (Dec 18, 2014)

When I told him that the bus driver could call the police he told me that it would be his word against the bus drivers. He doesn't really think about repercussions. It's scary too because he's about 12 months away from having a PhD and teaching college courses  He is someone who is very intelligent but also very anti-authoritarian, rebellious and aggressive. I keep telling him that it doesn't matter how smart he is, WE will lose everything if he continues with this type of behavior.

My husband grew up in a home where his father was there but was not allowed to discipline him at all. His mother wore the pants yet she was afraid to confront him or discipline him. She usually reinforces his negative behavior by being very passive about it. When I don't agree with him about something he becomes really annoyed with me. I think he acts like a spoiled brat.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Anger issues.. he's got'em. There are places for professional help as well as conferences that help people work on anger issues. 

Google search anger issues. You will find a plethora of information about it and the common symptoms.

I know...I got's anger issues. But, I learned to count and take deep breaths when I feel the anger starting to simmer. Plus my W said she would drop kick my arse if I did not stop. We are all cheery now. Gosh I love her.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

No, OP, you are not crazy and he needs to control himself. 

I too had to clue my H in on inappropriate behavior towards me.

One of the biggest problems you have with him right now is he is non responsive to you.... that is a monumental issue and one I had to correct with my H too. He's going to be a tough nut to crack but it can be done. But, it is going to require a LOT of strength in you. Are you up for that?


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Seriously, he needs to man up and learn how to control himself. 

Academia is chock full of know it all people and all it takes is one person to set him off and he will never recover from the charges.

Having also worked in a penal institution, I can tell you that smart mouths gets filled rather quickly with things they usually don't want.


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## Down and Out (Dec 18, 2014)

I've been married to him for almost ten years and he has gotten a little better but still really needs to grow up. 

I think he has anger issues and he also has little man issues. He's not a real big guy (5'7" or so). I really feel like he tries to bully and intimidate and I find it so ridiculous. I've told him a million times that someday someone is going to drive him right into the ground. He doesn't believe me though because he's gotten away with it for so long.

I would love to confront the anger issues but don't really know how. He's a grad student. We can't afford therapy once or twice a week


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Start with these books... half the battle is knowing what you are dealing with..

The Dance of Anger
Beyond Anger
You don't have to take it anymore
Emotional Blackmail
Boundaries


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

If you don't like him, why are you married to him?

That's probably what he's thinking when you try to "correct" him on his behavior.

We can't really change people. They can change themselves if they want to, but we can't do it for them nor can we force them. What you can do is make it a boundary that he doesn't behave that way around YOU.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Wow you are dealing with a child. He is 38?!?


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

He's not aggressive, just plain stupid. Pointing a finger gun reference to a school bus can get you jailed.

And if you're all that worried about his aggression, why didn't you get out of the car?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Whether or not your husband's behavior is acceptable is a moot point. You want him to change. He has no desire to change.

My guess is he'll eventually have someone beat the crap outta him. That may change his behavior.

You? Don't deal with him. If he starts pulling this nonsense in front of you again, remove yourself from his presence. After all, he obviously doesn't give a horse's a$$ what you think about his childish behavior.

Frankly, I'd be more concerned about why I was married to someone who didn't value my feedback and just wanted me to shut up.

JMO.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

He would either learn to be responsive or get out. He has an abusive attitude towards you and everyone around him.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Sounds to me like your husband was at a point of rage and nothing was going to be the right thing to say to him. He was reacting to his own anger which he felt justified with and your comments were only making him more angry. It sounds to me like your husband might have issues with anger management. 

My husband would get all upset at his football team, kicking furniture, throwing things, cussing when they would make a bad play. I saw a tiny little boy in a grown man's body having a tantrum. I would just walk away. later though after it was all over with and he was calmed down I asked him how his actions were going to help anything, change anything. He never did it again. I would make the same connection with your husband if you can. 

Do not contribute to his rage at the time but much later ask him questions that will help him see his own behavior. Do not tell him he was immature. Let him see his own flaws with your questions.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

From what I recall, you are not even supposed to overtake a school bus when it is stopping to pick up or drop off a student. If that's the case everywhere, your husband could have been hauled for a driving violation.

Overall, his behavior as described above is childish. How bad do you feel it is?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

His behaviour is more idiotic than anything. I'd be more embarrassed than concerned. Let's try to be honest here. Would anyone be really all that worried about police or a hand being mistaken for a gun? Not really that big a concern. Being with someone who acts like a child however is just embarrassing. That's what I think this mainly boils down to. You don't want to hang around in public with someone who embarrasses you. Like a parent doesn't want to take their child shopping when he/she throws tantrums in the middle of the shopping centre.

First and foremost, don't try and justify why you feel the way you feel with concerns that aren't really that big a concern, it just makes it sound like whinging. I wouldn't bother bringing up police or him getting beaten up or stuff that may or may not happen, because unless it actually happens, he's not going to listen nor care.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Down and Out said:


> I am at a total loss about dealing with my husband's behavior.


Perhaps the OP will return. However, I have my doubts. Why? Because of the above. She wants to learn to "deal" with her husband's behavior.

I read that to mean she wants to learn how to control what he does, make him stop the behavior, or whatever ...

Frankly, I'd leave an a$$hole like this guy. I certainly would not be looking for coping mechanisms. Again, why? 

Because I tried to fix, cope with, swallow, understand, and analyze this type of man for too many years.

JMO.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

My ex-husband at age 38 would pull in front of cars that cut him off accidently or not & slam on his brakes....with our 2 young daughters in the back seat.

Needless to say he is 60 & still doing stuff like that.

OP, you are making all kinds of excuses for his behavior, his childhood, his shortness, blah, blah, blah. The only way to deal with angry, aggressive men is to put up with it or leave IMHO.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I strongly disagree Emerald.

I find that stronger accountability/boundaries than their anger is effective unless sociopathic tendencies are present.

These men/women with anger issues MUST be held accountable for their behavior. Neglecting to do so doesn't do anybody any favors.


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## homerjay (Dec 12, 2014)

Is he ill? Or suffering from stresses?


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