# Frustrated!!-Now What??



## The Baseball Coach (Nov 16, 2013)

Frustrated!-Now What???
I know that I am not the first guy to express the situation of being married but sexually frustrated. I am writing not get sympathy on one hand or get judged on the other. I just want some honest opinions from men and women who have or currently walking in my shoes.

First a few details for your information
1.	Married for 20 years—she was 38 and a virgin and I was 34 and had been around the block a few times. First marriage for me as well as her.

2.	Sex was decent but not great until son was born four years later. Since then for the most part, sex has seem to be once every blue moon so to speak. Whenever we have sex, I have to initiate it.

3.	Despite my best efforts to liven things up in bed (toys, positions, roleplaying etc…) she is very conservative in bed. She comes from a southern small town conservative Baptist roots. Recently she told me that she does not particularly like to give or receive oral sex. 

4.	She can’t, will not, or does not want to lose control of herself in bed. After some foreplay especially below her waist, she will take my fingers away, have a few sighs and calls it quits. Even when I try to do more with my hands, mouth etc…she will not allow me to do any more to get her really going to the next level. She then get her PJ’s on and go to sleep.

5.	I have tried to talk to her about the situation and that there is more to a married sexual relationship then having sex once every two months for about ten minutes that end up with her retiring after she has a few small sighs and quakes. She has stated that she would “let her hair down” more but she never does and still is very vanilla in bed.

6. She jokes that the only reason that she keeps me is because I am good in bed. I sincerely believe that she thinks that our current sex motif is what sex is all about. In my world, she is on Venus and I am in a different universe on what sex should and could be between a married couple.

7.	In theory it would be great to get her to some type of marriage/sex counselor but it took me several years of pleading, begging, etc… to get her to a counselor to discuss issues on how she was undercutting my authority as a dad when she always seemed to come to the side of my son. Even then, she went kicking and screaming to the counselor and according to my wife, it was really my problem when it was all said and done. 

Even though I am middle aged man, I still have the drive that needs and desires it more than every couple of months. I am not some guy who wants to do strange things in bed but I am a guy who would like to have oral sex and have sex more than ten minutes per session.

Absent of a BJ by a former co-worker several years ago, I have not have been physically with another woman though I have had my chances to have affairs especially with some mothers of my players on my high school baseball team. I love my wife and would die for her but the sexual aspect of the marriage is dull and practically non-exist unless I make the first move. I am about to the point of having sex with other women if the right opportunity comes along. 

Thanks for allowing me to vent. Any help or suggestions would be appreciated.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

You already had sex with another woman when the opportunity came along. That BJ with the former co-worker was oral SEX. So.....yeah.

At any rate, perhaps the best course would be to divorce your wife so that you can continue to have sex with other women without having to lie, cheat, and betray your wife. The two of you are very sexually incompatible. If she is unwilling to seek counseling with you for that (and other issues, from the sound of it), and you aren't willing to live in a sexless marriage, the correct thing to do is to split up as amicably as possible.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

I think a BJ qualifies for an affair sir. I do not allow my h to go around getting other mouths wet.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Can't say I fault you for getting a BJ outside of marriage. No, not a good thing, best to avoid...

You married a girl with southern baptist roots, a 38 year old virgin no less! Hell just going to church every Sunday ruined her for sexual exploration! How do you think she was able to remain a virgin all those years? It wasn't because she was good at self denial. It was because she had the sexuality preached out of her from birth!

I don't see ANY way to gently undo what that damn church did to her! I'm sorry for your situation. But I agree with Rowan, this marriage will never be any different.


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## The Baseball Coach (Nov 16, 2013)

tracyishere said:


> I think a BJ qualifies for an affair sir. I do not allow my h to go around getting other mouths wet.



I do not deny that the BJ was sex and/or an affair. The thing is that I could had more from the same woman then that one time but I declined hoping that things would get better in the bedroom with my wife. Now fast forward several years, things are still the same and I am at my wit's end on what to do under the circumstances that I find myself.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

A 38 year old virgin and she turned out to be not that into sex? Shocking.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

:rofl:



WorkingOnMe said:


> A 38 year old virgin and she turned out to be not that into sex? Shocking.


I know right?


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## doctor is in (Dec 8, 2012)

I feel like you can't expect a person who didn't bother with sex basically her entire life to suddenly want to do it now. The fact that she got to 38 without having sex pretty much speaks her story. If she was in her 20's, maybe you could help her entertain and develop her sexual side, but at this point it's unlikely she will change. If you're considering an affair, you should leave your marriage. It's unfair to both of you. I know you feel neglected by her, but two wrongs won't make it right.


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## The Baseball Coach (Nov 16, 2013)

LnghrnFan said:


> I don't think this is isolated to just your marriage. I know of a lot of relationships that have issues in the area of intimacy. I realize that won't make you feel better, but you're definitely not alone!
> 
> If you don't think your wife will agree to counseling, maybe you could check the website of sex therapists, Drs. Cliff and Joyce Penner. You might some helpful information about how to change things. Here is the link: Counsel and Advice for Healthy Sexuality by Christian Sexual Therapists Clifford and Joyce Penner | FAQs About Sexuality |. Also, their book, _The Gift of Sex_, might also be useful. This article may provide some insight also: Great Sex Doesn't Just Happen - Focus on the Family.
> 
> I also want to encourage you to be faithful to your wife. Nothing good can come out of having an affair. It will only make things worse. Good luck!





doctor is in said:


> I feel like you can't expect a person who didn't bother with sex basically her entire life to suddenly want to do it now. The fact that she got to 38 without having sex pretty much speaks her story. If she was in her 20's, maybe you could help her entertain and develop her sexual side, but at this point it's unlikely she will change. If you're considering an affair, you should leave your marriage. It's unfair to both of you. I know you feel neglected by her, but two wrongs won't make it right.


Thanks Lnghrn Fan for your suggestions of books and articles.

You and Doctor Is In are right about having an affair will make things worse and two wrongs do not make a right.. 

Sometimes, my heart, the head above my neck and the head below my waist have constant battles with each other I feel like that I am in a no win situation.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Well, I certainly can't blame you for thinking you could teach your wife about sex since she had gone so long without it. In retrospect it likely seems clear she was not ever that sexual. 

Miss Scarlett was a 22 year old virgin and it felt like every single day she was going to die of not having sex.

Hmm, and now she is twice that old and can't say she doesn't feel the same way at times. 

Does your wife know how serious this situation is and that you are at the door of adultery or divorce? (You might not have said you were ready to divorce over this - it might have been someone else.) If she does know and still doesn't seem to care I imagine you should move to a trial separation perhaps? Life is short.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

LEAVE!!!

Run


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