# Wife's response to children when we get into big fights



## njpca (Jan 22, 2010)

I've got kind of a unique situation that I am dealing with so I will try to preface:

My wife has legal custody of her two second cousins that are half sisters (10 and 6). The older ones father moved out of state and has some visitation for parts of the year. My wife is currently fighting to have all his rights removed. We don't know who the father of the younger one is. The mother is completely gone from the situation. I never signed any papers taking custody or adoption of them

My wife is a SAHM and homeschools them. I am the main breadwinner but her dad (who also lives with us) provides support because my paycheck is not enough to support our lifestyle.

When my wife and I have heated arguments and I have threatened to leave, my wife involves the children in our arguments and tells them that she will have to give them up because she can't afford to care for them alone or will lose custody because of it all.

For one, I keep thinking it's incredibly manipulative way to get me to feel guilty and for two she is emotionally damaging these children when the argument is mainly just between the two of us.

As it is, the older one is already going through therapy consistently to deal with her separation anxiety.

Is there something wrong with this situation and the way my wife handles it or is she just doing it because she doesn't want to lie to them? Is there a better way to handle it?


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

That is underhanded and immature of her. She should never involve the kids at all. Her main job is to make them feel loved and secure. So any time you fight.... they live in fear. Or even when you aren't fighting, they have to be fearful that you will. 

Shame on her. 

She needs counseling to realize how crappy this is. Maybe family counseling? Maybe thru your church?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

njpca said:


> When my wife and I have heated arguments and *I have threatened to leave*, my wife involves the children in our arguments and tells them that she will have to give them up because she can't afford to care for them alone or will lose custody because of it all.
> 
> 
> *As it is, the older one is already going through therapy consistently to deal with her separation anxiety.*



Dont threaten to leave if you dont mean it. I suppose you know you shouldn't, correct?

The older one's anxiety is of your making, I would think.


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## njpca (Jan 22, 2010)

Actually, most of the anxiety comes from being away from my wife.

She used to go to visits with her dad every other weekend and she would not respond well upon returning.

They her dad left and the visitation changed, but her anxiety did not improve.

Also both the children were passed around by various family members for a couple years when the mom was in and out until she was gone.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do the children hear you tell her that you are going to leave her? Telling your spouse that you are going to leave then you have an argument is just wrong. You need to stop this.

And yes your wife needs to stop traumatizing the children.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Don't ever threaten. 

She's seriously messing the children up. 

You are both wrong.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Yes her behaviour is manipulative but so is yours. I am joining the chorus in saying that threatening to leave to gain leverage in disagreements is wrong.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

This is not a marriage.
It's more like a commune.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

njpca said:


> As it is, the older one is already going through therapy consistently to deal with her separation anxiety.


Is this really the person you want homeschooling these kids right now? 

If money is so incredibly tight, why not put them in a normal school while your wife gets a job?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

njpca said:


> When my wife and I have heated arguments and I have threatened to leave
> 
> Is there something wrong with this situation and the way my wife handles it or is she just doing it because she doesn't want to lie to them? Is there a better way to handle it?


Yeah. Stop having heated arguments and stop threatening to leave.


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## khaleesiwife (May 9, 2014)

Never EVER should you involve children in adult affairs! That is just WRONG on so many levels! Stop that immediately!!!! They are upset about a situation that they have no control over and with what your wife is doing they will think that somehow this is their fault. After everything these children have been through the last thing they need is to be around two unstable adults.. That being said you are wrong for taking an arguement there in the first place. If you and your wife disagree then that is no reason to go to "that place". A marriage is a bond not to be taken lightly and dismissed just because you have a disagreement. And your wife is BEYOND immature to involve the children in adult disagreements. This borderlines on abuse. Mental and psychological abuse! You and your wife need to do better. If this is the best environment that these children have then I truly feel sorry for them. You sound like the more mature one in this situation so my plea to you is no matter what, please have the childrens best interest at heart. Someone has to be a hero for them in this Life. It might as well be you. Good luck my Friend.


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## hehasmyheart (Mar 11, 2010)

Your wife sounds selfish and manipulative. Why would she want to put the burden onto the children when there is a disagreement between the two of you?


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