# Confused and depressed.



## JVercetti82 (Jun 26, 2015)

I think my stages of grief are all out of sorts. I guess, to be honest, I've been lying to myself this entire time. When my wife first left and declared her intent to divorce me, it was brief because she brought her parents in for support. I don't know why, I've never been violent or destructive (more on this later), but all in all, that conversation took all of 90 seconds. A lot of it was disbelief, for we did have a pretty crazy relationship, but no matter what, it always felt like it was meant to be forever. She moves out, and despite the empty apartment and the notices that the utility contracts were being terminated, it felt like a huge bluff. Even now, months later, it still feels like one big crank.

I guess I don't understand why. Yeah, we bickered and fought, but while I did have my flaws (lack of patience), she definitely brought more serious issues to the table. I'm on this forum, not in the court of law, I don't have any reason to lie. I still firmly believe that any problem she had with me was reactionary to her problems, and she didn't seem to like the alienated person I became as I ran out of ideas for solutions, along with patience and the will to compromise.

The divorce itself has been insulting to me, for a lack of better words. The papers themselves were angry and accusing. The demands were crazy, and the fact that her parents sought her a lawyer was insane. If the divorce was to go down, this could've been amicable. We don't have children, we don't have property, or anything else that would necessitate a lawyer. I didn't have an ace up my sleeve, I wasn't going to counterpetition with hate, and there wouldn't have been a single exploitable loophole on my end to ruin her life.

This is where I would think that she's made me out to be a monster, because at the end of the day, her parents paid a lot of money to get her divorced. The utility cancellation fees were insane. The lawyer's retainer, his constant contact with me by different forms of communication, and the legal fees all came out of her end. At one point, she even paid the rent, when I assume she thought she was going to get the apartment in the divorce. These are all things that she can't ever afford, and knowing her parents, she's in their pocket for a long time because of this. They've never been giving or helpful, even when things got desperate financially for a month, so seeing them pour an increasing amount of money into this makes me think she tells them that I'm violent and destructive. 

After our hearing, the deal was that all charges and demands were going to be dropped (duh) in exchange for me signing her off of the apartment and our bank account. I sign her off of the apartment, but the bank we were supposed to sign her off together. What does she do? Goes to the bank, closes the account, and makes herself a check in the amount that was in the checking account. There wasn't much money in the checking account in the first place, since it was all in the savings that she didn't have access to, but by closing the checking account, she definitely spit in my face because that interferes with my direct deposit. At my company, it takes two full pay cycles to change how you want to get paid. I'm sick, healthwise. I have a stomach problem that is doing me in, and she never took it seriously enough in our marriage to where she has no idea how badly she screwed me with the closing of the bank account.

And now? Perfect strangers. We've never met. We were never married. I see people here talking to their husbands and wives, getting mixed signals, sleeping with them, and I never got any of that. I've been lying to myself. I tried being the good, adult, responsible man and not beg her back when she left. I could've made a show when her parents were here, but I didn't. I made it a point to not look at her during our hearing. I haven't hurt her in any way, I haven't called, texted anything mean, email, nothing. No slander to my friends and family... hell, I haven't even changed the locks. I miss her, I worry about her, I obviously still care, but at the end of the day, I really have no idea what the hell happened. It feels like I just woke up and dreamed up the whole thing.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

Wondering why she was able to close out your bank account without your approval...for starters.


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## JVercetti82 (Jun 26, 2015)

That's apparently a thing you can do at Bank of America, so be warned. I was just as surprised. It's no fun having your card declined at Little Caesars. I had looked it up before, and from what I had gathered, was that it took two people to drop someone off, let alone close the account. On the day of the hearing, I had told her lawyer that, and it was agreed that we'd have to go sometime together.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

why did she leave?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I'm sorry but I get the feeling we are not getting the whole story. Your version of events seem to be very sanitised.

" I've never been violent or destructive (more on this later), but all in all, that conversation took all of 90 seconds". - what do you mean by this? Why highlight it, if it were never an issue?

Your wife left you, filed for divorce and your nose is out of joint because of a closing of a bank account, something doesn't seem right with this story at all


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## JVercetti82 (Jun 26, 2015)

You're reading the story completely wrong if that's all you gathered from it. I highlighted the violent/destructive part because if I left it out, this thread would be full of questions if I ever did anything like that to merit the most abrupt end to a marriage of all time. My nose is out of sorts because of the divorce. The closing of the bank account was just spiteful, but it's not the end of the world. It's just a curious way to violate the TRO. 

I guess I just came to the wrong place to vent my frustration. Sorry.


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## unblinded (May 27, 2015)

JVercetti82 said:


> I guess I just came to the wrong place to vent my frustration. Sorry.


No...you came to the right place. 

Forum members bring perspectives that are based on their unique experiences. Consequently, they question stories that do not conform to their view of the world. Right or wrong, it's human nature. 

Don't let that shoo you away. The folks here want to help...even if it seems like they're being contentious.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

JV, really sorry you feel that way, you are absolutely in the right place, I most definitely did not intend to offend you. 

What I am trying to say is that it is not clear from your write up why she actually left you. People don't just up and leave, there has to be some discussion as to actions taken, some event that led to this, something must have been discussed between you. In other words be more specific about why she left, there is nothing much to go on. to have her parents heavily involved suggests that there is something up, she would have to discuss it with them.

How long were you married?
How old are you both?
Was money an issue in the marriage

Why would she paint you as "violent and destructive"?

Secondly what do you want to happen, reconciliation, a place to vent, help through the divorce?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JVercetti82 said:


> That's apparently a thing you can do at Bank of America, so be warned. I was just as surprised. It's no fun having your card declined at Little Caesars. I had looked it up before, and from what I had gathered, was that it took two people to drop someone off, let alone close the account. On the day of the hearing, I had told her lawyer that, and it was agreed that we'd have to go sometime together.


Hm, I had a joint account with my husband. When we divorced, BOA could not allow me to close the account on my own. We both had to go there and sign for the closing.

Have you spoken the people at BOA?


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

oko said:


> It takes a long time for one relationship partner to fall out of love for the other.. many months or years. Your wife didn't decide this overnight, it was an evolution, and there were signs there, which you missed. The way you write about your situation indicates that you were completely blindsided, as if one day she just woke up and decided to divorce you and she aimed both barrels of the proverbial shotgun at you and started firing until the gun was empty. Her parents were onboard with it too, and no one said anything to you about it before, during or after. It just doesn't happen this way, I'm not saying you're consciously leaving anything out but you're certainly missing something. Which is why several posters are questioning your story, it just doesn't make sense. It doesn't mean that it's not true, from your perspective it probably is. But you are not seeing things realistically, you're completely in the dark and you might want to work on figuring out why that is.


Sadly, Oko is probably right. But take heart if you truly felt blindsided as this has been a pattern I've been seeing a lot lately in various threads...if you look back over the arguments you thought were nothing major you will almost certainly find the issues. Not always but often the XW was bringing them to your attention for a long time but not in a way that said 'hey, dumba$$ pay attention this is serious' best I can tell many XWs felt they were direct when to us they were subtle...different communication styles between the sexes is all I can surmise....or, it could be denial stage you're in which is not uncommon and you know exactly why you are where you are...not to be harsh.....


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

your stages of grief sound pretty much in common with many others. Clearly she wasn't seeing things through the same lens as you. Even not knowing all the history and dynamics, it is not surprising she had her parents involved. Yep, divorce lawyers can be nasty. That's part of their job. Some are worse than others. Usually good advice for both parties to have their own legal eagle. The bank account thing sounds strange but it must have been set up in some fashion that either party could close it. It added salt to the wound but doesn't sound like it was for a great deal of money. Sounds like something you note and leave behind with the rest of the debris from the whole ugly divorce.
Hopefully you are now in the process of rebuilding or, if not, that it will begin soon.


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