# I feel completely defeated and don't even know what to do...



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

I feel like I am drowning. I am not happy, my husband doesn't seem to be happy, my daughter is falling apart emotionally and I feel trapped, defeated and like my soul has been sucked out bit by bit. 

I feel like my husband is always angry...he just walks around with this aura of pissed off. If I say anything he denies it, but the tension in the house is so thick. I feel like there is no safe place for me anymore...I have nothing and nobody to turn to. 

More often than not, I cry on my drive to work and then have to get myself together to go in and I muddle through the day. For years, I have been bending around like a pretzel to try and please everyone and yet, nobody is pleased and worse yet they seem pissed at me all the time. 

I work this ridiculously stressful job, I manage everything as regards my teenage daughter's issues (LD, schooling, 504, college planning, counselor, psychiatrist...), and my husband and I are in the middle of applying for medicaid for his mother-- which has been time consuming, frustrating and taxing. 

Saying anything to my husband right now about how unhappy I feel seems like throwing gas on a burning fire...with my MILs stuff, my daughter's stuff...it is all so overwhelming without me whining about how unhappy and alone I fee. 

But there I am again, trying to please everyone. Am I selfish? I just don't know what to do.


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## JLynnMann (Apr 6, 2011)

Oh hun... Been there, done that, got the t shirt...

With my ex I felt like I was also drowning and just kept my head above water often enough to survive. My boys had resentment towards myself and their father. They didn't understand but did FEEL the heavy atmosphere.

It isn't selfish to want to talk about this. It's human nature to need to have someone to listen to our woes. That is where my counselor stepped in. 

I knew my husband wouldn't listen or if he did he would only hear what he wanted and it would make him angrier. He was already angry enough. 

We never talked, never argued. Some might have said they wish their husband was like that but they never lived in that atmosphere. Walking on eggshells is never fun nor easy and that's exactly what I and my children did.

I think the children took their anger out on me because they had nowhere else to lay it. They couldn't express their needs/wants/feelings to their father and I was a wreck just trying to get by day after day. They suffered like I could have never imagined they did. To this day guilt still eats me up but we have to move forward and be strong!

I don't have any magic answers to 'fix' this for you but I do want you to know someone has been there also. I had to divorce my husband before I got better. He still isn't better and never will be at the rate he is going. He doesn't care and he won't try. Not my problem anymore. I sincerely hope you will not have to go this route but there are always those whom won't change or even try regardless of the great loss they will suffer.

Hang in there hun and if you ever need to vent- I will listen.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

You sound like you need a break. What have you done for yourself lately?


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

themrs said:


> You sound like you need a break. What have you done for yourself lately?


Myself?? :rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Treat yourself to something nice. Set up a spa day soon. Get a massage, get your nails done, go for a run.

Talk to your H about how you feel.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

lisa3girls said:


> Myself?? :rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:


I know the feeling, but this is probably EXACTLY what you need. It doesn't have to be big. This morning I locked myself in the bathroom for 10 minutes. That got me centered after waking up on the wrong side of the bed.

Just do SOMETHING for yourself. Get your nails done. Read a book or magazine you like. Get a cup of coffee and sit at the shop while you drink it instead of rushing back home. Do SOMETHING. It will make you feel sooooo much better.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Do you think you could be depressed if this is an ongoing feeling you have?


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

In my opinion, you should try less hard to please everyone. You are giving them a sense of entitlement. Take care of you. Take care of your children to the degree that they NEED to be taken care of, love, raising, caring... but no more. It is good for them.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Mom6547 said:


> In my opinion, you should try less hard to please everyone. You are giving them a sense of entitlement. Take care of you. Take care of your children to the degree that they NEED to be taken care of, love, raising, caring... but no more. It is good for them.


The younger two are reasonable, the husband is probably as bad as the teenager. I never do anything right... from the way I load the dishwasher to which lane I am driving in. I sometimes wonder if he hears himself and how many times a day he criticizes.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I wonder if you aren't a tad bit depressed as well. I just got back from the doctor where I got a prescription for some happy pills. They are to help my super woman syndrome and perimenopause. My best friend ironically is on the same med for the same complaint. My doctor jokingly said all women do too much.

Aside from that I suggest doing LESS as well. Your plate is too full especially with no help. Any more thoughts on downsizing?


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> I wonder if you aren't a tad bit depressed as well. I just got back from the doctor where I got a prescription for some happy pills. They are to help my super woman syndrome and perimenopause. My best friend ironically is on the same med for the same complaint. My doctor jokingly said all women do too much.
> 
> Aside from that I suggest doing LESS as well. Your plate is too full especially with no help. Any more thoughts on downsizing?


Thanks, we are actively doing the downsizing...we are about ready to list the house and have been looking at condos. You know, I don't mind doing so much as much as nobody seems to appreciate it one bit (well, not true, my youngest dd does- but the others, not at all), including my husband. So this morning he gives me a hard time because I am going to help the skating club with the figure skating test session today- my daughter is going to be there for her test, the lady needed help and for me I LIKE hanging out at the rink with the other moms, I LIKE them and he starts giving me a hard time about how I do too much-- gah, I WANT to do that, so why shouldn't I? And then in the next breath he tells me how he is going to take an all day motorcycle ride, see you tonight.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

In the words of Winston Churchill

"When you're going through hell, keep going"


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi Lisa,
I had read through some of your threads and felt compelled to reply to this one based upon your title. Yikes! Do I ever know what it feels like to be overwhelmed! I have been at this same point in my life before - maybe not for the exact same reasons that you have - but I have also been accused of trying to do too much. In order for me to slow down it took a huge crash -- I ended up with a medical condition that has severely affected me. It did do wonders in making me slow down and take better care of myself, though.

So, firstly - I think I read before that your H is a stay at home dad. Is there any reason why he cannot be looking for a job - even part-time? I would just give him an ultimatum - you've got 3 months to find something to contribute to the household budget. Get to it - act like a man.

Secondly, is there a reason why you cannot divide up all household chores amongst all of the family members? Alleviate some of the responsibility you have around the household.

Thirdly, you need to do something for yourself before you crash and burn. Every day take some small amount of time to do something for yourself, no matter how small -- even if it is locking yourself in your bedroom for 10 minutes to read a chapter in a book. Every week, take some longer amount of time away from the entire household to do something for yourself - lunch with the girls, or going to the bookstore to buy that next book.

Last, but not least, don't forget to take care of yourself physically - get some exercise - take a walk - it will help a lot, eat right, take your vitamins.

If you feel frayed and exhausted all the time, take a quick trip to the doctors and have your thyroid checked. Lots of women have lower function and need a boost in this area.

I hope that everything will work out for you!! I am rooting for you! (I also know about the skate test stuff -- my oldest boy actually did skating for many years and topped out at the novice level before he decided to leave the sport - that was one of those crazy 'you're doing too much' things that I did back in my day.)


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Lisa I recently read a good book about relationships where it said when women want to be appreciated for what they do it means they are operating from their male side. Which makes sense given your work/husband situation. If a woman is operating from her female side she is free to give without expectations. It made perfect sense to me as I do tend to operate from my male side. That 1-2 chapters on role reversals in marriage was well worth the book. I now reread them when I feel unappreciated and "stuck" in that male role.

I know it sounds all pyschobabble but it resonated with me so I thought maybe it would make sense to you as well.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Hi Lisa,
> I had read through some of your threads and felt compelled to reply to this one based upon your title. Yikes! Do I ever know what it feels like to be overwhelmed! I have been at this same point in my life before - maybe not for the exact same reasons that you have - but I have also been accused of trying to do too much. In order for me to slow down it took a huge crash -- I ended up with a medical condition that has severely affected me. It did do wonders in making me slow down and take better care of myself, though.
> 
> So, firstly - I think I read before that your H is a stay at home dad. Is there any reason why he cannot be looking for a job - even part-time? I would just give him an ultimatum - you've got 3 months to find something to contribute to the household budget. Get to it - act like a man.
> ...



Thanks, he actually does have a part time job, so I have no issue there. I think we just have too many obligations!! My daughter is 10 and she skates juvenile, she just passed intermediate moves yesterday. I really love doing this for her (both the time and the money) -- she IS the appreciative one, so she makes it easy.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> Lisa I recently read a good book about relationships where it said when women want to be appreciated for what they do it means they are operating from their male side. Which makes sense given your work/husband situation. If a woman is operating from her female side she is free to give without expectations. It made perfect sense to me as I do tend to operate from my male side. That 1-2 chapters on role reversals in marriage was well worth the book. I now reread them when I feel unappreciated and "stuck" in that male role.
> 
> I know it sounds all pyschobabble but it resonated with me so I thought maybe it would make sense to you as well.


Interesting, thanks....


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> Thanks, he actually does have a part time job, so I have no issue there. I think we just have too many obligations!! My daughter is 10 and she skates juvenile, she just passed intermediate moves yesterday. I really love doing this for her (both the time and the money) -- she IS the appreciative one, so she makes it easy.


I think you likely do have too many obligations, and I don't know whether people who are outside the sport know how much time it takes to become a figure skater. Congratulations on your daughter passing her test! Those were so nerve-wracking to me. Like I said, my son got to novice level - literally for years it felt like we lived at the rink - up in the morning and at the rink by 5:30 four days a week, every day after school, evening conditioning/cardio/jump classes three days a week, Saturday morning skating, summer skating for 4 hrs every morning - and that was the minimum required! We only had a break on Sundays. We had an 'oopsah' baby in the middle of all this and I was toting around a baby, plus working full-time. And we had all the travel to the competitions and the expense - ballet lessons, choreography, our coach would bring in an Olympic level coach a few times a year - youch!! We are out of the sport now, but I am glad that we were able to have that experience, and I wish that I had the energy to do all of that again! Maybe some day you will be able to look back on all of it and you will remember only the happy stuff fondly, and not the grind that you are living through right now.

I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Thanks Enchantment... I do really enjoy seeing her progress and watching her skate...she is my pleasant kid and spending time with her is really a joy, my husband and teenager need to buy a clue from her! When we move, we will be 15 minutes closer to the rink, which sounds like not much, but as you know, it will help alot!

Now that the weather is improving, I have been bringing my running stuff and have been running while she is in her off ice classes. Sometimes I work while I wait too because I have that kind of job. I am trying to ditch stuff like lawn work, and MIL's paper work...gah


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> Thanks Enchantment... I do really enjoy seeing her progress and watching her skate...she is my pleasant kid and spending time with her is really a joy, my husband and teenager need to buy a clue from her! When we move, we will be 15 minutes closer to the rink, which sounds like not much, but as you know, it will help alot!
> 
> Now that the weather is improving, I have been bringing my running stuff and have been running while she is in her off ice classes. Sometimes I work while I wait too because I have that kind of job. I am trying to ditch stuff like lawn work, and MIL's paper work...gah


Yah! I used to actually look forward to off-ice classes because I could actually sit down then sometimes and read a book or chat to the other moms. I know about teens - our little skater has turned in to a ferocious one. He seems to think that since there's only one week of school left he doesn't have to bother doing anything more. :scratchhead:

Will/has your daughter competed at regionals? (I know they actually start them down at pre-pre level now whereas they weren't like that when my son was skating.)


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Yah! I used to actually look forward to off-ice classes because I could actually sit down then sometimes and read a book or chat to the other moms. I know about teens - our little skater has turned in to a ferocious one. He seems to think that since there's only one week of school left he doesn't have to bother doing anything more. :scratchhead:
> 
> Will/has your daughter competed at regionals? (I know they actually start them down at pre-pre level now whereas they weren't like that when my son was skating.)


She did for the first time last year, but she was brand new to juvenile...she only had double sal and double loop in her program. But she still got 9th out of 15 in the qualifying round..and she was the only 9 year old in there. They don't really have the qualifying competition until juvenile level... they often have a concurrent open competition for the lower levels.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> She did for the first time last year, but she was brand new to juvenile...she only had double sal and double loop in her program. But she still got 9th out of 15 in the qualifying round..and she was the only 9 year old in there. They don't really have the qualifying competition until juvenile level... they often have a concurrent open competition for the lower levels.


Wow! That is fantastic! It is always so much harder for the girls because there are so many girls that compete. We would go to regionals and there would be only one round of boys! It sometimes wouldn't be too hard to qualify for Jr. Nationals.  Our coach always tried to get the really competitive girls doing all their doubles plus double axels by juvenile. Always seemed insane to me when you think that Olympic level female skaters only do double axels. The competitions are a totally different level than the tests, aren't they? Well good luck to her! She sounds like quite a girl and I wish her well. It's nice to see another skate mom here. I can totally sympathise with your life.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Wow! That is fantastic! It is always so much harder for the girls because there are so many girls that compete. We would go to regionals and there would be only one round of boys! It sometimes wouldn't be too hard to qualify for Jr. Nationals.  Our coach always tried to get the really competitive girls doing all their doubles plus double axels by juvenile. Always seemed insane to me when you think that Olympic level female skaters only do double axels. The competitions are a totally different level than the tests, aren't they? Well good luck to her! She sounds like quite a girl and I wish her well. It's nice to see another skate mom here. I can totally sympathise with your life.


Thanks, she already does a fully rotate double axel on the floor-- her coaches said she is the first 10 year old girl they EVER had that could do that. It shouldn't be long before she lands it on the ice. Mostly, she is holding back her jump height on the ice still because she isn't comfortable she can land it. She already does through double lutz.


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