# Do Disloyal/Wayward Spouses Ever See How Much it Hurts



## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

Thoughts?


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## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

Do they even care how much it hurts?


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

See yes; care no where near enough.


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## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

workindad said:


> See yes; care no where near enough.


That's what hurts more than anything. They build a relationship w you, have a couple kids, build a nice home, do lots of fun things, encounter a 'bump', meet someone, lie through their teeth, gaslight, rewrite your entire marital history, devastate their spouse, act like they deserved it,...... And not give a sh-t. That lack of care, that lack of empathy, is just as hurtful as the affair.

Get this: my DS tells me "she didnt have an affair.....she had a "relationship'
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I see it and it kills me knowing how much I hurt him. I am doing everything humanly possible to show him I can be the woman he needs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

So far in my case I'd have to answer with a resounding NO!

But it seems that my situation is not indicative of what I've read here. H left to find a company to lease on with his semi and go to work. That was late February. Nearly a month later he bailed on me and the marriage via a phone call H has not been back yet. So he has yet to see anyone and witness the consequences of his action/decision. It's all been by phone. H says he will be here at the end of June to get his stuff that our son is storing at his house and see our daughter for her 18th b-day. Don't know if he will "grace" me with his presence, not sure if I want to see him. But come October, I will have little choice as that is when son's wedding is and I plan to be the model mother of the groom!


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Of course they see it. That is why they refuse to accept any responsibility for the hurt they've caused.


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## heartbroken1957 (Apr 8, 2011)

My thoughts are: Yes they see it, feel it, and know it. BUT... do they accept it. Not always. 

I'm in a situation now where I am waiting for my husband to break down sobbing, ask forgiveness for the hurt he has caused US. 
I forgive him the affair. I have yet to forgive the hurt. The affair was the easy part, it meant nothing to him in the long run. Now he is fighting his demons and not winning. So he isn't participating in the re-marriage.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Is your question "Will they ever feel as furious and sad about it as I do?"

No, of course not. They cheated. That's their nature. 

We lost a child in 1990. About 7 or 8 months later, someone came up to me and in the middle of a conversation said "I can't understand how you're feeling." Got that right, you can't you never will.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

From all the stories I've read, and the stories in the OW/OM forums, when they are actively in the affair, No, they don't care one little iota what their betrayed spouses are going through. It's all about them, their feelings, and the feelings of their affair partner. And if they have kids, they don't don't even care about them.

They truly act and feel like drug addicts. They can lie, cheat, steal, to feed the addiction of the affair, and that is the OW/OM. 

After DDay and the A is over, I don't know. But it can't be anywhere near the level of hurt a BS receives.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

My estranged husband neither sees what he has done nor does he care. And he first started this behavior five years ago. Furthermore, he has managed to also turn two of our three children against me. I may be dealing with something beyond what most are dealing with though.......Therapist and attorney worry that I'm dealing with a sociopath.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

heartbroken1957 said:


> My thoughts are: Yes they see it, feel it, and know it. BUT... do they accept it. Not always.
> 
> I'm in a situation now where I am waiting for my husband to break down sobbing, ask forgiveness for the hurt he has caused US.
> I forgive him the affair. I have yet to forgive the hurt. The affair was the easy part, it meant nothing to him in the long run. Now he is fighting his demons and not winning. So he isn't participating in the re-marriage.


I am in the same boat as you are.
H had an affair.
Forgave him.
No real remorse.
No recommitment.
I took the blame.
He took none.
Marriage down to its last thread after 28 years.
Very Hurt


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

827Aug said:


> My estranged husband neither sees what he has done nor does he care. And he first started this behavior five years ago. Furthermore, he has managed to also turn two of our three children against me. I may be dealing with something beyond what most are dealing with though.......Therapist and attorney worry that I'm dealing with a sociopath.


I understand your situation.
My husband was told that he has some characteristics of a sociopath aka personality disorder.
Lack of remorse.
Lack of empathy.
Cold.
Vindictive.
Emotionally dead.
Blames me for the affair.
It's horrible.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

If the LS shows them all the emotion they feel, I think they can see it and get that it's really bad, see just how much hurt and pain they have caused -- but they just can't understand it completely, because it hasn't happened to them. 

In my case, I think it's part of her desire to work toward R, that she's almost surprised by just how badly it has hurt me, surprised to see the pain because I *did* love her deeply despite our distance, despite my work schedule, despite our problems. 

Best case they can empathasize, feel full remorse, wish they could take it back, be sorrowful -- but they can never fully understand because their not experiencing it. And (imho) the only way to *know* is to experience it, unfortunately.


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## HappyMom (May 31, 2011)

I think they see how much, and feel justified by whatever hurt they felt in the relationship but couldn't communicate effectively. 

You're divorcing, right? So you can move on with your life? That will show her.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

pjbap said:


> That's what hurts more than anything. They build a relationship w you, have a couple kids, build a nice home, do lots of fun things, encounter a 'bump', meet someone, lie through their teeth, gaslight, rewrite your entire marital history, devastate their spouse, act like they deserved it,...... And not give a sh-t. That lack of care, that lack of empathy, is just as hurtful as the affair.
> 
> *Get this: my DS tells me "she didnt have an affair.....she had a "relationship'*_Posted via Mobile Device_


:nono::nono::nono: I can't believe such nonsense. You poor man.


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

I don't know if they really get it. I've tried to be as open as possible with how devastating it feels, but unless you've been through it I think it's pretty much just an abstract. 

@pjbap - she may have had a relationship, but the relationship she had was an extramarital affair. Make sure she understands that. Everyone has a relationship of one sort or another. Hers was infidelity and should not be swept under the rug for any reason.


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## DoveInTheMud (May 25, 2011)

I think it depends on whether they 'want' to see and feel it. 

That level of pain and anguish is a scary place into which the betrayed spouse is shoved - the betraying spouse needs to choose to open themselves up to enter that space if they want reconciliation and freedom from self-deception and the fog.

Having been on both sides - I know that being betrayed is like having a knive shoved into your guts, and each trigger is like that... your whole world view shatters and nothing is ever again like it was before.

Having also been the one who committed this horrible crime, the pain feels different, - it's not the world view that shattered, but who I thought I was... I basically feel like I destroyed myself, everything that I believed in and that was dear to me. 

If you have a spouse who betrayed you, and they don't see and feel the pain, then they have a hardened heart, and you cannot be sure - ever - that they would not do that again. If they show that they see and feel the pain you still don't have any guarantees, but you have at least a starting point from which to build on.


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## MyTwoGirls (May 31, 2011)

My wife told me after I confronted her "he's just a friend"..two weeks later she upgraded to "you don't know what true love is"...I said "tell that to our daughters!"...now she's living with him.


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