# Testing the Wife



## Hogg (Dec 10, 2015)

Hello All,

Just wanted to ask if I am crazy for testing my wife. We have been married for 20 years, and during that time I really dont think she has been unfaithful. But, I always wondered would she? Given the chance of no blow back, would she sleep with another man. I know she would never do anything to hurt her mother (thats a long story stemming from childhood. Mother went through a lot and was married to a schizophrenic alcoholic) so she goes out of her way to make sure she remains happy, and if she were ever caught with another man her mom would be very hurt (old school lady, yes I like her a lot). Also she never wants to put the kids through anything, growing up she went through divorce and remembers how she felt and never wants her kids to go through that. No we never talked about divorce, we dont have problems, in talking over the years I have gathered this after talking about her childhood and stuff.

So, like I said, a part of me always felt she wanted to be with other men. I was the first and only person she has ever been with sexually. I know when she was in college she kissed a guy the first time they were together alone. They never seen each other before that, little impulsive I think. The second guy she fooled around with, met him the first night and ended up with hickeys and so forth. Continued messing around with him for about a year, then found out he had a GF, and that ended. 4 months later I came in the picture, I remember we were making out like crazy within the first week. I was thinking, man this girl is wild and aggressive. I found out she was a virgin and 1-1/2 months after meeting her we had sex. She even admits being impulsive. I always thought I was the rebound from the second guy. Did she settle for me? I dont know, we get along great (we have our normal arguments) but for the most part we are great together. 

Recently I told her that I was ok with her making friends with other males, and if that friendship led to more, I am ok with it. She was a little shocked and hesitant, but I gave her a push to move forward. So now she has met a couple of guys and is even going out for coffee with one. I feel like an A$$ for pushing her because I really dont want her to sleep with other men, I was thinking she really wanted to but never knew how to tell me or settled in the married lifestyle where this kind of thing is a no no. What if she does it, would that mean that truly she wanted to be with other men from the get go? Right now I think if she offered me the same thing, I couldn't do it. I love her, why would I sleep with another woman. So why is she making a move? Was it wrong of me to test her like this?

Thanks


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Super wrong of you to test her like this. 
You do not give your spouse a pass to sleep with another man if you don't really mean it. If she sleeps with one of them it doesn't mean anything about how she felt before all this. 

Will you be upset if she does? Think it was cheating?


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

You told her you were not only OK with her seeking OS friends but if "it led to more" you are "OK with it"!!! That is more than "testing" dude. You are telling her that you don't value her or your marriage very much. 

Get into MC and work on your insecurity and honest communication with your wife of 20 years and stop playing PA games.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Well, if she does follow through, you have no cause to be upset, as you condoned it and encouraged it. Unless this is what you WANT her to do, you are creating your own problem. It won't be her fault - it's ALL on you if she does.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Is this for real? 

If so, there's an old expression that is fitting... "You reap what you sow."

Time to get used to your wife dating other men.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Hogg said:


> So why is she making a move?
> 
> *Why not?
> 
> ...


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## Hogg (Dec 10, 2015)

So in two paragraphs you have summed up that I dont cherish her? You should take your talent to the government.

Yes a part of me does feel like it is wrong, but another part of me sees it as a way to see if she values our relationship. Like I said, I dont think she would not do it becasue of us, but rather the hurt it would cause her mother and kids. Why else would she jump at the chance.

In the past she went out with a a non mutual friend for lunch. I dont know who this guy was, but she did tell me. Why was there a need to go to lunch with some other guy? I asked her this. What is lacking in me that you had to go out? No real answer from her.

Im not insecure, just was curious. So what if she finds the man of her dreams. I dont have problem getting women. If she wants to go then cowgirl up and tell me. I dont want to leave, but the way I see it, I would think she would told me...no I dont want to be with other men, I only want to be with you. 

She even told me just because you are letting me do this, does not mean you can too.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

This has to be a joke.

She kissed a guy in college on a first date, you think that's impulsive but you were pretty happy to be making out in the first week, you must have been as you married her and now you're going to start using this against her after 20+ years. 

After 20 years as a faithful wife you're not only using those incidents to justify your own insecurities but out of the blue you tell her that you're OK with her meeting and having sex with other men and when she is shocked you have to push her into it.

You need to get yourself into counseling before you eff up your life, if you haven't done so already. 

In case you're wondering then Yes you were wrong to do it and whatever happens when you want to assign blame you should stand in front of a mirror and start pointing.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

This seems plain crazy to me, unless your wife is so ugly she would never get hit on. Why the hell would you actively WANT your wife to see other guys.

I don't get this one...maybe I'm missing soemthing here.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Hogg said:


> Hello All,
> 
> Just wanted to ask if I am crazy for testing my wife. We have been married for 20 years, and during that time I really dont think she has been unfaithful. But, I always wondered would she? Given the chance of no blow back, would she sleep with another man. I know she would never do anything to hurt her mother (thats a long story stemming from childhood. Mother went through a lot and was married to a schizophrenic alcoholic) so she goes out of her way to make sure she remains happy, and if she were ever caught with another man her mom would be very hurt (old school lady, yes I like her a lot). Also she never wants to put the kids through anything, growing up she went through divorce and remembers how she felt and never wants her kids to go through that. No we never talked about divorce, we dont have problems, in talking over the years I have gathered this after talking about her childhood and stuff.
> 
> ...


It's time to pump the brakes here.

:slap: :slap: :slap: :slap: :slap:


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Hogg said:


> So in two paragraphs you have summed up that I dont cherish her? You should take your talent to the government.
> 
> *No. Telling her that you think she should see other men and then if it goes further you're OK with that and when she resists pushing her into doing it tells her that you don't cherish her.*
> 
> ...


I don't blame her. You pretty well put a hall pass in her hand and told her to go and use it. 

I wouldn't be surprised if you are back here in a short while complaining that you met someone else, slept with them and she objected.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Hogg said:


> *So in two paragraphs you have summed up that I dont cherish her?* You should take your talent to the government.
> 
> Yes a part of me does feel like it is wrong, but another part of me sees it as a way to see if she values our relationship. Like I said, I dont think she would not do it becasue of us, but rather the hurt it would cause her mother and kids. Why else would she jump at the chance.
> 
> ...


That's likely how she took it, or will eventually wind up taking it, and she'll use that to rationalize her choices once she's in a full-blown emotional, romantic, and sexual relationship w/ another man.

And it won't be too long after that that she'll be packing her bags while preparing to leave you.

Either way, you will likely soon be in a Hell of your own making.

Pucker up.


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

I would imagine you have cuckold fantasies and this is part of that, or in real life you really enjoy the idea of other men sleeping with your wife. NO ONE without a cuckold fantasy would ever open this up to their wife.

A "test" would've been set her up to be hit on where she likely would never be caught. Now you should never do that either, but at least that's a test. This is just telling her it's OK if she sleeps with other dudes, she likely knows that it's probably a sexual kink of yours so she's OK to go do it.

It won't end well, sex is very powerful and it's designed through millions of years of evolution to bond people together. New love, new sex partner will create a powerful connection and you will not be able to compete with it.

IF you have cuckold fantasies there is porn you can watch together or just fantasize in bed, that will be a LOT safer for you both.


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## Hogg (Dec 10, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> That's likely how she took it, or will eventually wind up taking it, and she'll use that to rationalize her choices once she's in a full-blown emotional, romantic, and sexual relationship w/ another man.
> 
> And it won't be too long after that that she'll be packing her bags while preparing to leave you.
> 
> ...


Can you explain what she likely took? I dont understand.

I figured I will tell her soon how I really feel. Then she make the decision herself what she wants to do.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Hogg said:


> Can you explain what she likely took? I dont understand.


If I have to explain it then there's no point, because you're not going to understand it anyway.



Hogg said:


> I figured I will tell her soon how I really feel. Then she make the decision herself what she wants to do.


That needs to be TONIGHT. Just be sure that you catch her before she walks out the door to see her boyfriend, though.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Hogg said:


> So in two paragraphs you have summed up that I dont cherish her? You should take your talent to the government.


I didn't say you don't cherish her. (May it be in a dysfunctional way.) I said you told her (meaning: you demonstrated to her) that you didn't cherish her, by pushing her to see other men. This action showed her how little you value her commitment. 

If you thought you could come on a marriage forum, or any open forum, and not get a different view, you were mistaken. Insults aside, my view stands. You're in denial if you truly believe that you can cherish your wife and share her with other men. Or, you are trying to flame us. 

Either way, I don't mind when such foolishness is posted. Young naive readers can see the difference between ideas that damage their relationships and ones that foster them. 

Good luck


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Nothing like green lighting your W to a good time. What where you thinking?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Yeswecan said:


> Nothing like green lighting your W to a good time. What where you thinking?


*cough* Reciprocation!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

YOU have already failed the test, no matter what she does.


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## Hogg (Dec 10, 2015)

knobcreek said:


> I would imagine you have cuckold fantasies and this is part of that, or in real life you really enjoy the idea of other men sleeping with your wife. NO ONE without a cuckold fantasy would ever open this up to their wife.
> 
> A "test" would've been set her up to be hit on where she likely would never be caught. Now you should never do that either, but at least that's a test. This is just telling her it's OK if she sleeps with other dudes, she likely knows that it's probably a sexual kink of yours so she's OK to go do it.
> 
> ...


No I dont have a cuckold fantasy, I will tell her before she does anything with someone else. 
The way I told her was, look I know you are a social person. You know my job is very demanding, so I cant be home a lot of the times. (I travel to Europe and Asia a lot for work) If you want to go out with other people men or women I am fine with that. If have a desire to be more than friends with a man/woman I am OK with it.

And yes I dont want her to, but if she did it, its my mistake. I am not going to go off on her. But if she then realizes she really wants to be with other people, then go. I am not asking for marriage counseling from anyone here.

Ok, so based on what I was feeling as to why I did this. Does anyone have any advice as to how I should have brought this up with her. She is not good at all sharing her feelings. It bothers her a lot. In fact I have talked it over with numerous times. She is going to psychologist after the first of the year to deal with some issues that I think stem from her childhood.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Hogg said:


> Ok, so based on what I was feeling as to why I did this. Does anyone have any advice as to how I should have brought this up with her. She is not good at all sharing her feelings. It bothers her a lot. In fact I have talked it over with numerous times. She is going to psychologist after the first of the year to deal with some issues that I think stem from her childhood.


You have to be a safe person to share feelings with and you just aren't right now. 
You're tricking her, using things against her, setting her up to fail.

None of this (seeing if she wanted to sleep with someone else) needed to be brought up at all. You guys were happy, you just blew it all up. 
She could very likely never trust another thing you say once she finds out you "tested" her.


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## Hogg (Dec 10, 2015)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> You have to be a safe person to share feelings with and you just aren't right now.
> You're tricking her, using things against her, setting her up to fail.
> 
> None of this (seeing if she wanted to sleep with someone else) needed to be brought up at all. You guys were happy, you just blew it all up.
> She could very likely never trust another thing you say once she finds out you "tested" her.



Ok that makes sense to me. Thanks

But what of the fact that she has gone out to lunch with someone else before, behind my back. Was that OK? I feel like she emotionally cheated on me. She doesnt view it that way.

So the whole bases of my test was to see if she really wanted to go see other people sexually. Why did she choose to talk to four different guys? Why didnt she make an attempt to meet some woman? I didnt say I want you to go out and have sex. I said go out have a good time, meet new people, make friends, and yes if you want to do more I am ok with it.

She could of said, yes I want to make new friends, guys and girls, but I only want you sexually. not other people.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

How's that working for you....

Congratulations you have officially won the dumbest move award....I want you to realize something this is all on you...you gave her permission and when something happens you can not blame her, you have got to be the stupidest man in the world.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Hogg said:


> The way I told her was, look I know you are a social person. You know my job is very demanding, so I cant be home a lot of the times. (I travel to Europe and Asia a lot for work) If you want to go out with other people men or women I am fine with that. *If have a desire to be more than friends with a man/woman I am OK with it.*





> Ok, so based on what I was feeling as to why I did this. Does anyone have any advice as to how I should have brought this up with her.


You could have just left out the bolded bit above. That would have showed that you cared about the fact she was alone AND you trusted her. 

It's a bit late now, the damage is done.



> She is not good at all sharing her feelings. It bothers her a lot. In fact I have talked it over with numerous times. She is going to psychologist after the first of the year to deal with some issues that I think stem from her childhood.


So you knew that she was starting to see a psychologist over issues and then decided that was a really good time to play a psychological test on her?

I can see only two alternatives here. 1) You have an ulterior motive behind this and you are setting her up for a fall or 2) my description of your intelligence and your worth as a husband would get me banned on TAM so I'll withhold it.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Hogg said:


> Ok that makes sense to me. Thanks
> 
> But what of the fact that she has gone out to lunch with someone else before, behind my back. Was that OK? I feel like she emotionally cheated on me. She doesnt view it that way.
> 
> ...


Who knows why she went to a lunch before, you said she told you about it. If you want to deal with that issue you deal with it then, not as a test however many years later. Simply going to a lunch with a friend isn't in itself an emotional affair. It could have turned into one but didn't. 

With now- You opened the relationship so she went along with it. A lot of people would sleep with someone else if they had a "hall pass" or open relationship. Doesn't mean they would cheat without it, doesn't mean they don't love their spouse. 

To me it sounds like you're looking for an excuse to get your own gf on the side. 

How is your sex life with your wife?


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## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

If it bothers you this much that she had lunch with some guy then how do you think you will react if she actually goes on a date and has sex with one? 

Some folks can handle it, but based on your posts I don't think you can. Best bet is tell your wife that you had this crazy notion to test her and now you regret ever even thinking it.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

If you do this kind of stuff alot, I wouldn't tell you who I went to lunch with either. This whole thing sounds crazy making.


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## Hogg (Dec 10, 2015)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Who knows why she went to a lunch before, you said she told you about it. If you want to deal with that issue you deal with it then, not as a test however many years later. Simply going to a lunch with a friend isn't in itself an emotional affair. It could have turned into one but didn't.
> 
> Someone told her not to go down that road. Thats why it stopped.
> 
> ...



Sex life is great. Sometimes 5 days a week, sometimes 2. But never long without it.


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## Hogg (Dec 10, 2015)

Sorry there SlowlyGoingCrazy, I need to learn how to post. I inserted some comments in your reply above


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## Hogg (Dec 10, 2015)

I have never tested her in any way for the past 20 years.


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

Hogg said:


> Why didnt she make an attempt to meet some woman? I didnt say I want you to go out and have sex. I said go out have a good time, meet new people, make friends, and yes if you want to do more I am ok with it.


Wow. Because you told her that if she wanted to do more, you were fine with that. Where in that statement would she possibly come to the conclusion that you were talking about female friends?



Hogg said:


> She could of said, yes I want to make new friends, guys and girls, but I only want you sexually. not other people.


Except you didn't say that to HER. You told her instead that you were fine with her going out and "doing more". Why would she then tell you SHE wasn't fine with it? If I were married and my husband said that to me, I would assume he was cheating and trying to assuage his guilt. Or that he just didn't care about me sexually. Or that he had some cuckold fantasy.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

Hogg said:


> So the whole bases of my test was to see if she really wanted to go see other people sexually. Why did she choose to talk to four different guys? Why didnt she make an attempt to meet some woman? I didnt say I want you to go out and have sex. I said go out have a good time, meet new people, make friends, and* yes if you want to do more I am ok with it.*
> 
> She could of said, yes I want to make new friends, guys and girls, but I only want you sexually. not other people.


Can't even believe this is for real... 

Why is she talking to 4 other guys? Because you told her you were OK with it and her having sex with them too!

When do you plan to tell her this was a test ans she failed?

She has dates set up. You realize that when you open the marriage for her that she isn't going to wait to have sex until 3 or more dates, right? If it is just sex, it will happen very soon. Maybe at the end of her coffee date. You might want to have a talk with her sooner rather than later. And imagine how pissed she is going to be that you got her all worked up to have fun with other guys and now you are saying "just kidding!"


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Hogg said:


> But what of the fact that she has gone out to lunch with someone else before, behind my back. Was that OK? I feel like she emotionally cheated on me. She doesnt view it that way.


I thought you said she told you about it? You spend a lot of time away and she met someone for lunch then told you about it. That doesn't sound like emotional cheating.



> So the whole bases basis of my test was to see if she really wanted to go see other people sexually.


And your test might yet work. She might find some super stud lawyer that gives her mind blowing sex and advice on how to fleece an idiot husband out of everything and get lifetime alimony.



> She could of have said, yes I want to make new friends, guys and girls, but I only want you sexually. not other people.


Then you should have given her the script beforehand so she could have given you the correct response.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

How old are you? Her? You are (or were maybe now) her only. What about you? How many others before the two of you got together?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I guess my thinking is different. If she gave me a hall pass I still wouldnt do it. Im a strong person emotionally. I dont get attached because I have sex with a person. When I was dating her, I was with so many different women at the same time. It was sex to me with others, I only shared true feelings with her. Yes she knows this. I told her after we got married.

If I wanted a GF on the side I would just do it. I meet a lot of women traveling for work. Many women hit on me, I just dont act on it anymore. Even if I had a GF on the side, and my wife found out about, she still wouldnt leave me. It would hurt the kids and her mom. From her mouth.

You told her AFTER you were married? What a gentleman. 
Do you even still want to be with your wife or are you looking for an easy way out? You don't have to be the bad guy if you set her up to take the fall. 

Even though you talk about how many women you have/could still get, your confidence seems low. Like you needed to test her to test yourself, how hot you are, how desirable, if a woman would pick you over someone else. 
It's not a game you should be playing. Build your own confidence, don't make up silly tests.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Since I lack Gus's better judgement I will give an explanation an attempt. Women are emotional creatures. They attach to men who are confident, someone with whom they feel safe, someone whom they can trust, someone who makes them feel like they are all the world to them, like the sun rises and sets on them.

Now to a man in love providing these things comes rather naturally since men are possessive, dominant and programmed to be protectively selfish of their mates. Women can sense this in men and it makes the woman feel as though she is all the man needs or wants, unique, special, cherished. By inviting her to be with someone else, or even suggesting it, you have, in essence, nullified that feeling in her that tells her she is your ultimate mate. She is not worth fiercely guarding but rather is valued so little as to be shared with other men.

Can you imagine the blow to her psyche when the man she has loved and been with for 20 years suggests this? This can seriously damage a woman's self worth especially if she really cares deeply for you. She most likely feels horribly betrayed by this and is unsure how to proceed. She may now be looking for another man to replace in her what you have so deeply injured.

If you really wanted to know how she feels why did you not just ask her? You indicated she has trouble relating her feelings to you, do you think this will help?

If you really care for this woman I would talk to her immediately and tell her that you will not share her with anyone, for any reason, at any time. If that is not how you truly feel then I suggest you let the natural process take its course so she can find a man who feels that way for her. Good fortune.


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## Hogg (Dec 10, 2015)

Hope Shimmers said:


> Wow. Because you told her that if she wanted to do more, you were fine with that. Where in that statement would she possibly come to the conclusion that you were talking about female friends?
> 
> 
> 
> Except you didn't say that to HER. You told her instead that you were fine with her going out and "doing more". Why would she then tell you SHE wasn't fine with it? If I were married and my husband said that to me, I would assume he was cheating and trying to assuage his guilt. Or that he just didn't care about me sexually. Or that he had some cuckold fantasy.


Ok I get it. I gave my wife the green light, yes. So I gave it to her and that should automatically mean you should do it then. Its all good. Forget that you actually love someone and only want to be with that one person. Got a green light, F it, go for it.

So if the authorities gave out free pass to stab someone you hate with no worries of jail time, take it. You got the green light, or to some would it be against their morals and still would not do it?

Thanks for all the feedback and responses. I appreciate your view points even though I dont agree with you.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> With now- You opened the relationship so she went along with it. A lot of people would sleep with someone else if they had a "hall pass" or open relationship. Doesn't mean they would cheat without it, doesn't mean they don't love their spouse.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


She was a virgin when you met but you waited until after you were married to tell her this. Smart move, shi**y move but smart one all the same. 

Those must have been tears of joy she shed when the person who took her virginity, and she was legally stuck with, told her that he didn't get attached just because he has sex with someone and anyway he was with so many other women at the same time he was dating her.



SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> To me it sounds like you're looking for an excuse to get your own gf on the side.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You don't act on it anymore. So you used to then? 
Safe in the knowledge that even if she found out she wouldn't leave you.

You're a real class act you know. A troll or a real class act. I'm surprised she didn't leave scorch marks across the floor when you gave her the hall pass.



Hogg said:


> Sorry there SlowlyGoingCrazy, I need to learn how to post. I inserted some comments in your reply above


Highlighted your comments above.


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## Hogg (Dec 10, 2015)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> Since I lack Gus's better judgement I will give an explanation an attempt. Women are emotional creatures. They attach to men who are confident, someone with whom they feel safe, someone whom they can trust, someone who makes them feel like they are all the world to them, like the sun rises and sets on them.
> 
> Now to a man in love providing these things comes rather naturally since men are possessive, dominant and programmed to be protectively selfish of their mates. Women can sense this in men and it makes the woman feel as though she is all the man needs or wants, unique, special, cherished. By inviting her to be with someone else, or even suggesting it, you have, in essence, nullified that feeling in her that tells her she is your ultimate mate. She is not worth fiercely guarding but rather is valued so little as to be shared with other men.
> ...


Yes I feel this way, but I want to know if she feels this way. She dont act like shes hurt. Walking around with smiles and finding ways to meet others.

I will tell her within the next few days maybe, but the sick part in me wants to she if she would actually do it. Maybe I need to see a psychologist. But I can see that I dont want to see her with another man...makes me want to puke actually. So no fetishes here.


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## Hogg (Dec 10, 2015)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> Since I lack Gus's better judgement I will give an explanation an attempt. Women are emotional creatures. They attach to men who are confident, someone with whom they feel safe, someone whom they can trust, someone who makes them feel like they are all the world to them, like the sun rises and sets on them.
> 
> Now to a man in love providing these things comes rather naturally since men are possessive, dominant and programmed to be protectively selfish of their mates. Women can sense this in men and it makes the woman feel as though she is all the man needs or wants, unique, special, cherished. By inviting her to be with someone else, or even suggesting it, you have, in essence, nullified that feeling in her that tells her she is your ultimate mate. She is not worth fiercely guarding but rather is valued so little as to be shared with other men.
> ...





WonkyNinja said:


> She was a virgin when you met but you waited until after you were married to tell her this. Smart move, shi**y move but smart one all the same.
> 
> Those must have been tears of joy she shed when the person who took her virginity, and she was legally stuck with, told her that he didn't get attached just because he has sex with someone and anyway he was with so many other women at the same time he was dating her.
> 
> ...



Never said I was a perfect person. I told her after yes, I felt bad, but she kind of new it. People told her I was fooling around. I even took her friends number by accident. Didnt know it was her friend. 

Whats it to you what kind of person I am. I ask a specific question not you opinion on me. Thats all you seem to do. You get off on making people feel stupid. That your fetish Willy Wonka? You like to come on her and blast people?

Please stop posting here. I didnt post here to get your opinions or counseling.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Holy cow man. You are scrwed in both ways.

First one- if you REALLY love your wife you would never share her or told her "it is ok to meet some guys and go for something more"

Second- your wife is ALL FOR IT. If she truly loved you like you told us she would call you SICK man and asked you how you can put her,your kids,your family throgh this !!!

She was right on her task with four guys,testing her waters.

How long is this going,maybe you can save your marriage ??????????


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Hogg said:


> Yes I feel this way, but I want to know if she feels this way. She dont act like shes hurt. Walking around with smiles and finding ways to meet others.


Maybe she's all smiles because she's met more than one super stud that can just blow her mind in bed. 

But don't worry because she's a strong person emotionally. She doesn't get attached because she has sex with a person. She was with so many different men at the same time. It was sex to her with others. 

You will still be the person she is married to.



> Maybe I need to see a psychologist.


I really think you do.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Hogg said:


> Never said I was a perfect person. I told her after yes, I felt bad, but she kind of new it. People told her I was fooling around. I even took her friends number by accident. Didnt know it was her friend.
> 
> Whats it to you what kind of person I am. I ask a specific question not you opinion on me. Thats all you seem to do. You get off on making people feel stupid. That your fetish Willy Wonka? You like to come on her and blast people?
> 
> Please stop posting here. I didnt post here to get your opinions or counseling.


It does look as if she is the real one at fault here. 

She kind of knew what you were like and she really should have listened to the people who told her you were fooling around. Was taking the number an accident or was it just an accident that it was her friend? 

Anyway she kind of knew what she was getting into and you feeling bad should have eliminated all the lies, cheating and deceit. 
Should I ask if she was faithful to you while you were dating? 

I don't usually come on here and blast people, I'm usually quite mellow. But you coming on here and trying to make out that your wife is a bad person then following up with your admissions really is the pot calling the kettle black.

Next post just put at the top "WonkyNinja please don't give me your opinion" and I'll steer clear.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

:scratchhead:

I find your 'test' of your wife and your subsequent justifications thereof to be, well, perplexing. I would hazard to propose that this resembles the airing of a hypothetical in order to probe the credulity of this forum.
This would indeed be disappointing.

On the other hand, if this is a legitimate cognitive dissonance that has led you here then I find myself equally perplexed as to how to resolve your dilemma. How you gonna unring that bell?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Is this serious? Did you really equate the morality of dating and consensual sex while married with felonious assault or murder?


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## hotshotdot (Jul 28, 2015)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> Since I lack Gus's better judgement I will give an explanation an attempt. Women are emotional creatures. They attach to men who are confident, someone with whom they feel safe, someone whom they can trust, someone who makes them feel like they are all the world to them, like the sun rises and sets on them.
> 
> Now to a man in love providing these things comes rather naturally since men are possessive, dominant and programmed to be protectively selfish of their mates. Women can sense this in men and it makes the woman feel as though she is all the man needs or wants, unique, special, cherished. By inviting her to be with someone else, or even suggesting it, you have, in essence, nullified that feeling in her that tells her she is your ultimate mate. She is not worth fiercely guarding but rather is valued so little as to be shared with other men.
> ...


^^THIS^^

If my husband said that to me it would be crushing! I think there's a definite possibility that her smiling & making dates & acting happy about it is her doing the 180 on you! I know that's what I would do, even if it's all for show, I'd do exactly what you told me to do & pretend to be happy about it even if inside it made me sick. Talk about a mindf*#k! Women want to be cherished & valued, being willing to share her does not in any way express that to her - just the opposite!


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## Hogg (Dec 10, 2015)

Dont want to multi quote everyone but, there is no dilemma here. I never stated there was a dilemma other that should I have done this. Also I explained as to why I did it. When you spend 20 years with a person you get to know that person very well. I felt like she wanted to do this for quite some time. I didnt know of another way to get it out of her if she wanted to sleep with other people, or if she married to young and she missed out on something. So this is what my brain thought of. Sue me! Even if she does it, I realized what I did and no I wouldnt leave her for it unless she realizes that I really am not the one for her.

Yes I told her I was with multiple people while we were dating. Not to make excuses, but I was 20 when we got married. I wasn't the maturest of them out there. No I have not cheated on her since we got married, was tempted early on. Still had that urge to have sex with other people. Again, not to make excuses even though it sounds like one....this is how I was conditioned from early on by older brothers and cousins. You go out and bang as many women as you can before you get married. So thats what I did. Someone asked how many....I dont know..a lot. But really does all that matter. I didn't post anything about all this. How does this pertain to anything I posted? 

All I wanted to find out is one thing about her. I did it a certain way. I guess I should have posted on here first and got everyone's approval on what to do. I gave some honest information about myself and all the sudden I am a troll and $hi!!y person. Wow. this place has been so helpful, everyone should come here. No need for a psychologist or anything. We got it all on this site. I gave you a glimpse of my 40 year life, and I came out the villain. LOL!!

Ill give you an update. She just came home from her Coffee date. She said the guy was ugly, lucky to have me. LOL!! She couldnt get her self to be friends with him because he is ugly. Yes it is my bad, I found out what she really wanted and I gave her the green light. Shes all good though because I said to do it. But at least I did find out that is what she wanted. No we are fine, we wont be getting a divorce because she may have sex with another person. If she does have sex with someone, I am confident in myself that I wont be replaced but, If she decides to move on because some other stud "rocked" her world, go on then. 

Thanks everyone, Im done here


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Hogg said:


> Dont want to multi quote everyone but, there is no dilemma here. I never stated there was a dilemma other that should I have done this. Also I explained as to why I did it. When you spend 20 years with a person you get to know that person very well. I felt like she wanted to do this for quite some time. I didnt know of another way to get it out of her if she wanted to sleep with other people, or if she married to young and she missed out on something. So this is what my brain thought of. Sue me! Even if she does it, I realized what I did and no I wouldnt leave her for it unless she realizes that I really am not the one for her.
> 
> Yes I told her I was with multiple people while we were dating. Not to make excuses, but I was 20 when we got married. I wasn't the maturest of them out there. No I have not cheated on her since we got married, was tempted early on. Still had that urge to have sex with other people. Again, not to make excuses even though it sounds like one....this is how I was conditioned from early on by older brothers and cousins. You go out and bang as many women as you can before you get married. So thats what I did. Someone asked how many....I dont know..a lot. But really does all that matter. I didn't post anything about all this. How does this pertain to anything I posted?
> 
> ...


Ah, so you opened the marriage, were scared, needed to vent and lied about it in your OP. Now, we get the condescending smug lecture about men and women blah blah blah.

Gotcha.

One down three more guys to go. We'll see you later, probably on marriage builders you are to smug for us, when she does decides to replace you.


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## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

...one more thing...my ex told me many guys "were ugly" too that she met...found out she banged every one of them...

..smokescreen!


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I personally think you sealed your own faith, with that open permission.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You know, this doesn't really add up to me. No happily married man I have ever known would "test" his wife by pushing other men on to her (or encouraging her to engage with other men).

But a man with a cuckold fetish and ashamed to either admit this to his wife or this board about it would do precisely as you did.

Or, a man wanting to move on from her would do precisely as you did. 

My ex H, toward what would be the end of our marriage, often (daily) encouraged me to be with our mutual, single male friends. He would tell them I was a great romp in bed, that my arse was amazing, etc..... And it wasn't a joke. 

He knew our marriage would be over soon because of something he'd done, so rather than tell me (which he did eventually but it was a bomb drop) he pulled this passive tactic. 

So really, please forgive me, but I don't believe this was a "test."


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## Idun (Jul 30, 2011)

Really, really bad move. You've given her a green light to date other men, have sex with other men. This to her signals you don't mind sharing her, being exclusive doesn't matter to you, you don't care what she does or who puts their d!ck in her. In other words that the marriage vows don't mean much (neither does she).

She'll likely be in the midst of an EA very soon, without realising it (many people don't realise what is classed as an EA) and will be infatuated with someone else before you know it. Once she realises she wants to sleep with them - she might start to question the situation and revisit the conversation with you - hoping you will put your foot down and prove that her and the vows are sacred, and you made a mistake (but also hoping you won't!). By then it will be TOO LATE - because she'll be in the fog of infatuation. You could very likely completely ruin your marriage bond.

Yes it was stupid to test your wife. MOST people would love to have casual sex with no consequences, it would be exciting and fun - but then you remember that you're married and what that marriage and spouse mean to you. It's just a fantasy. Why did you feel the need to do this? Is it some madonna-wh0re thing? You want to prove she really wants to be s/utty? And then you'll lose respect for her? What? The stereotype is that men are the ones who want to sleep around and 'sew their seed' - the recent studies suggest women want sex, including casual sex - just as much as men. Women want sex because they enjoy it, give her permission to sleep around - with no consequences - and you'll lose her and any respect she had for you and the marriage.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Hey @Hogg...

Headed for divorce yet?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hogg said:


> Ok I get it. I gave my wife the green light, yes. So I gave it to her and that should automatically mean you should do it then. Its all good. Forget that you actually love someone and only want to be with that one person. Got a green light, F it, go for it.
> 
> So if the authorities gave out free pass to stab someone you hate with no worries of jail time, take it. You got the green light, or to some would it be against their morals and still would not do it?
> 
> Thanks for all the feedback and responses. I appreciate your view points even though I dont agree with you.


How did you wife react when you told her, after you married her, that you cheated on her with lots of women when you were dating her?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Some reading .....

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...300922-wife-has-wiped-her-memory-past-bf.html


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Hogg said:


> Hello All,
> 
> Just wanted to ask if I am crazy for testing my wife. We have been married for 20 years, and during that time I really dont think she has been unfaithful. But, I always wondered would she? Given the chance of no blow back, would she sleep with another man. I know she would never do anything to hurt her mother (thats a long story stemming from childhood. Mother went through a lot and was married to a schizophrenic alcoholic) so she goes out of her way to make sure she remains happy, and if she were ever caught with another man her mom would be very hurt (old school lady, yes I like her a lot). Also she never wants to put the kids through anything, growing up she went through divorce and remembers how she felt and never wants her kids to go through that. No we never talked about divorce, we dont have problems, in talking over the years I have gathered this after talking about her childhood and stuff.
> 
> ...


What is wrong with people. If you have a gut feeling that your wife is fishing, you don't throw fuel on the fire by telling her you're ok with her having friends with no boundaries. As it is, middle age married woman, especially ones in long term marriages, are the easiest prey for men on the prowl.

The fact that she quickly jumped at the chance and has a few men lined up tells me that her loins are now burning for new d!ck. You planted that seed in fertile ground. 

You don't actually believe she was a virgin when you met her, do you? Impulsive college girl in a year long relationship with no sex. Just cause she made you wait a over a month for it doesn't mean she made others wait. Watch their actions not their words.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

If I'd been married that length of time and my H suddenly told me what you told your W, I would interpret it as he either no longer really cared about me, or that he was a little too darned sure of me... Frankly? In your W's shoes I'd probably be tempted to call your bluff and do exactly what you suggested.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Hogg said:


> Dont want to multi quote everyone but, there is no dilemma here. I never stated there was a dilemma other that should I have done this. Also I explained as to why I did it. When you spend 20 years with a person you get to know that person very well. I felt like she wanted to do this for quite some time. I didnt know of another way to get it out of her if she wanted to sleep with other people, or if she married to young and she missed out on something. So this is what my brain thought of. Sue me! Even if she does it, I realized what I did and no I wouldnt leave her for it unless she realizes that I really am not the one for her.
> 
> Yes I told her I was with multiple people while we were dating. Not to make excuses, but I was 20 when we got married. I wasn't the maturest of them out there. No I have not cheated on her since we got married, was tempted early on. Still had that urge to have sex with other people. Again, not to make excuses even though it sounds like one....this is how I was conditioned from early on by older brothers and cousins. You go out and bang as many women as you can before you get married. So thats what I did. Someone asked how many....I dont know..a lot. But really does all that matter. I didn't post anything about all this. How does this pertain to anything I posted?
> 
> ...


The "he was ugly" could have been to throw you off. The common lies that WWs give to their BHs: he's old, ugly, an @sshole, small d!ck, can't get it up, ETC. 
Her internal anit-**** shield will prevent her from admitting more to you. But don't be surprised if she did the deed. WWs are the raunchiest woman around. The married OK sex you get after 20 years pales to wanton acts that they'll perform for some POS.

Husbands get "wait for kids to be a sleep" or "not now, I'm tired." These douches get your WWs sneaking around to meet them for a degrading BJ in coffee shop bathroom or quick parking lot sex and are promptly sent on their way. These women of course are loving it.They'll say or write that they don't like it but you have to judge them by their actions. The fog gets them to tolerate a lot of abuse. These are the same woman that expect so much out of their husband but give so little. The script is flipped for their POS

You'd be smart to use protection from now on, unless you're into the sloppy seconds thing. Remember a woman on the prowl, even an overweight middle age woman, can QUICKLY get men lined up for no strings attached sex. Very few men will pass up some married pvssy.


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