# Men and house cleaning...your thoughts?



## DanglingDaisy (Mar 26, 2012)

My common law husband has resisted helping very much around the house(yet brags he's so helpful) for most of the 14yrs we've been together. He's insisted that his mother was so resistant to housecleaning his poor father(as he put it)was stuck doing most of it. He's either resisted helping(even if I ask his help in doing dishes),or when he does help,will purposely do a really crappy job to ensure he doesn't get asked again.I have never been a clean freak or insulted him or the kids for helping out-I value when we can work together on these things since cleaning a house with three kids(4,11&13) gets quite tiring. 

It's not uncommon for me to spend my whole weekend doing laundry,cleaning floors and other less urgent cleaning that couldn't get done during the week. That doesn't include getting less sleep during the week trying to get dinner dishes done,sweeping,pre planning the next day's meals etc that help in the time crunch of two parents working full time while raising a family. He on the other hand will find any excuse(including hiding away in the bathroom)not to help.

The part that pisses me off if when my partner claims he helps out a lot as it is-he's a model husband who isn't being appreciated for all the cleaning he does :scratchhead: That's just as funny as him saying that about the yardwork If you have seen a woman doing the mowing even when 8 months pregnant and sweating up a storm(just one example) then you were probably watching me!

I grew up where everyone in the family helped in chores. Since my family comprised of a single parent, my brother grew up equally sharing in the responsibilities-once he got married,it was obvious he felt cleaning was another part of the partnership.

What's your viewpoint?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Sounds like your husband needs an education about what exactly the chores are. Maybe if you wrote it all down he could see what all there really is that needs doing?

My husband lived on his own for 13 years before we met, so he knows what needs doing, and he's great at doing it.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

I grew up with a single mother and 3 brothers so there were no gender roles for chores. We took turns for outside/inside on Saturdays and cleaned up the kitchen each day. We cooked once we were old enough. When my wife was staying at home I expected that she would handle most of the chores. I helped out when needed. She works now and we split the chores. I actually do more since I do the yardwork and car maint. along with the inside chores. I don't mind because she does more of the school stuff wfor the kids. PTA, teacher conf. etc. Your husband just sounds lazy to me. Hinding in the bathroom to get of helping is extremely childish. He's basically acting like another child.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I agree with Hope, make a chart of chores that need doing, and divide them up between you. Do not criticize how he handles his chores. Yes, he may be slap-dash about them in your opinion, but at least he is making an effort. 

You sound like you might be too invested in having the house the way you like it--8 months pregnant and mowing the lawn? Do you have the attitude that if I don't do things, they won't get done? He may feel what's the use of helping, she is only going to criticize me anyway.


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## Good Dog (Mar 28, 2012)

My wife does most of the cooking and cleaning, except for laundry which I do most of. I can get it all done in one day each week so it works for me. I do dishes as well since she cooked the meal. Overall she's not a neat freak. When it comes to small things, she'll criticize my messes like crumbs on the table. Things I wouldn't even notice. But she isn't perfect herself and leaves socks or undies lying on the floor. So I don't worry too much about my messes. When she complains it's in that faux-upset tone and I guess she expects me to be this way.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

I help around the house alot my wife doesnt like to mop so she sweeps and i mop every other nite we switch on who is responsible for dinner, whoever cooks the other picks up and cleans and puts the dishes in the dish washer. I do the trash detail and she handles the clothes it works great for us we shop together


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Well sounds like you both work, in which case housework should be shared plain and simple. Heck my wife is a housewife I and still help out when I can, in addition to doing the (lol) "man jobs" (mowing the lawn, washing cars, garbage, etc).

I'll be honest and say I could do more... but if you both work there is zero excuse to not pitch in.


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## DanglingDaisy (Mar 26, 2012)

If I don't mow the lawn, it never gets done. Tried that one summer...got a ticket from the city for an unkept lawn

The point of contention is that he rarely takes initiative in doing anything inside or outside the house.

I've done everything from letting the garbage stink up in the house to no clean clothes for anyone..and it's like none of this stuff registers on his radar. If it does, he resents me asking.

I've never been gender biased on chores indoors or out. I will gladly do all the yardwork if he helps indoors etc. 


Thanks for your input


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My view is you've let him get away with this for 14 years and you really think he's going to change...now? LOL

Why should he? You've been doing a fabulous job without him.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

^ Yah, I agree with Mavash. They say that people treat us the way we allow them to.

So, how important is it to you to try and get him to help out? 

If it is, then work up a chore chart as others have suggested - make sure and include all of the kids too - they should each be given age-appropriate chores as well. Chores that he doesn't do that are his to do, just won't get done. Maybe some of those things will be important enough for him to eventually do if they start to pile up on him.

You'll have to hold him accountable for his chores, but be prepared that he will likely try and get out of them, so you will have to be prepared to hold firm.

IMO everyone in the family should be contributing to the upkeep of the house and yard and should be responsible for doing chores.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> My view is you've let him get away with this for 14 years and you really think he's going to change...now? LOL
> 
> Why should he? You've been doing a fabulous job without him.


In her defense it sounds like he has refused to do much of anything even when she did not take the initiative.

To blame it on her now is not helpful at all.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DanglingDaisy,

You have a few options... keep the status quo, leave him, or start puting things on his plate.

Chore charts have never worked for me. My exH2 just blew that off like he did everything else.

Start by refusing to do anything for him that he can do himself. Let him know that you will no longer do his laundry, no longer cook his meals, no longer buy food for him... think of those things that you do for him and stop doing them.

Does he have extra money to spend? Tell him that he has to pay for someone to do the chores he refuses to do. Have someone do the yard work and charge your husband.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

I came from a set of parents who absolutely demanded cleanliness and it kind of rubbed off on me. And that's very exceptional for parents who raised 6 boys. All of us ended up being that way.

STBXW hated housework but didn't mind lawn work by cutting grass on a riding mower. I cleaned up the inside of a rather large two-story home we were in; didn't mind it because STBXW wouldn't clean it and relied on weekly maid service. The only thing that chapped my backside was that after doing it my way, I always got lectured that I was doing it all wrong. To which I replied, "if you don't like the service you're getting, then fire the help!" I'm telling you: if it were solely up to her to have to clean it, no disrespect, but it would be so dang nasty that it would absolutely make a starving buzzard puke. And that was just cleaning up after her and her lazy kids who wouldn't even scratch their nose if it itched.

In that respect, let me just say that I'm absolutely thrilled to be outta there!


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Totally loaded question... My wife tried the 50/50 according to her. Thing is, it was 50/50 on the routine stuff like cleaning/cooking/cleanup. Now enter the hypocritical women’s lib fantasy women have. I, a man, can cook, do laundry, fold, vacuum, etc. I know this as does she. She is a liberated woman and I am expected to be somewhat gender neutral about house chores.

Now the hypocracy of that fantasy. But she also assigned me any and all ‘maintenance’ (man’s work that she doesn’t know or want to know how to do or sees as a ‘father’s role’)... Painting, refinishing decks, wash and wax cars, oil changes, filters, fences, hanging stuff, light bulbs, squeeky doors, leaky faucets, lawn care, pool cleaning, take out the garbage, teaching the kids to throw, ride bikes, skateboard, shoot hoops, camp, swim, shoot bb guns and on and on.. Add to this having to help the kids with homework every single night (ok, I do math and she everything else, but that’s about 80% of the regular homework assignments). Freaking cake eater.... And I heard a ton of ‘but you enjoy doing that’ or ‘you were just out there playing with the kids’... 

That stopped after I discovered her affairs... Now the approach is more like each night we both pitch in where ever needed. One weekend day is for ‘projects’. We choose what we think needs done that plays to our skillset. So I do maintenance stuff, she cleans around the house and yard. Oddly enough, I have to force her to ‘play’ on one day.... that was really the hard part. I work so I can play; I value this. She feels ‘she is wasting time’ playing. I actually had to get the MC to force her to do this. Now she enjoys the weekend sitting by the pool, taking the kids somewhere, sitting out on the deck, etc. and I can use that time to teach the kids stuff. But I still see her get ‘fidgety” as she spots something that she is compelled to work on knowing I’ll rip her a new one if she does. We need our quality time together.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

He needs to understand that two things happen when one partner is acting childish and treating the other unfairly:

Resentment grows and attraction dies.

This is going to come around and bite him on the ass b/c he will lose you--maybe not now, but one day. Or you will have an affair (don't; not worth the complications it adds to the already-complicated process of dividing up a family). 

Honestly, looking back after 20 years of putting up with a childish and selfish partner (and I know what mistakes I made in dealing with him; I'm not perfect either), I would say that you need to make it VERY clear that this is a make-or-break issue. And you have to mean it--or he'll just back slide. 

If he is lazy enough, he might not care. Be prepared for that. 

Good luck.


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## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

great topic. Im 36 male . my wife (soon to be x) left me because of depression. Not to get into details but im a really good person with issues that im fixing. so doing things around the house is one thing. taking out trash, vacuuming, sweeping, moping, laundry, cleaning restroom, dishes etc. I see a marriage as a partnership and roles have been progressing. as a kid in the early 80's my dad was the bread winner and my mother was a housewife. Now you need two incomes just to get by. so it is not fair for a wife/female to work and have to do all the shores. do a weekly list. take turns doing stuff. even with my issues I was able to help around the house (maybe not as much as I should have  
btw I hate doing dishes she did too. so our rule was, you dirty it you clean it. and we never had dirty dishes on the sink. another rule we had was if I cook she cleans the pots etc. it's not fair for him to occasionally fix a pipe or something (known as man work) when the essential cleaning is an everyday thing (referred to as woman work) those dark days are over time for him to step up. "grab a broom sir its ok they wont fall off, I promise" 
hey I like myself today


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

ferndog said:


> ... it's not fair for him to occasionally fix a pipe or something (known as man work) when the essential cleaning is an everyday thing (referred to as woman work) those dark days are over time for him to step up. "grab a broom sir its ok they wont fall off, I promise"
> hey I like myself today


Gotta ask fern.... Did your wife ever take over any of those manly ‘dark ages’ chores? Or did she just split half the traditional womanly ‘dark ages’ daily house keeping chores over to you? .... Split them all and teach her to do that plumbing; She can do those ‘manly’ things too... 

Btw; Another marriage trap that plays into this. Expectations. How my wife sees things is in a perspective of what is left to do. Since there is always something left to do regardless of how hard you ‘work’, she only can perceive in terms of failure. Three kids... a spotless room will be filthy in less than a day.. Sometimes just minutes. No matter where you look, there will be something to clean; Always. There is no way for her to see me as anything but failing her and herself as a failure (as long as she is able to accept blame that is... lol... otherwise it is all your fault). It is a rigged game when you play it that way. 

If I spent all my time daily chore type cleaning, maybe the pool would turn green, that floor stain wouldn’t be shampooed out or her car floors would be sticky or the grass would die in the corner... any of those and I’m still a failure in her eyes. It never ended until I refused to play her game anymore and force new rules. Realistic expectations where anything to exceed this bare minimum must be acknowledged and appreciated by both. Honestly, we now have to say “thank you for _____, I appreciate you doing that.” It forces us to see what each other is doing and makes things more positive instead of pointing out what you didn’t do....


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## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

well my case maybe different.
whenever plumbing or any handy work. I don't know any of that so she would call the plumber, she would pay for it. She is one of a kind. that's why i want her back but believe me whoever she winds up with will be the luckiest guy on the planet and im not just saying that.


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## zaliblue (Apr 26, 2011)

It's funny hearing you guys mention "gender roles" when regarding household chores....My husband is a good guy and helps a lot around the house....I have to give him credit.....Well, for my oldest son's 1st birthday, a friend of ours got him a little vacuum cleaner that made noise and such, and my husband got so offended, and even threatened to buy their son a purse....LOL....It's crazy because he vacuums all the time....men....


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

This may not be the right time for me to respond to this message - I've spent the entire day (it's evening here) from the minute I got up doing housework, my husband came home from work, ate, and immediately went to bed to have a nap, while I continue... have barely sat down all day (we're in between houseguests so a lot needs to be done - two of his friends are coming for the weekend arriving tonight). So I'm feeling a bit like I have to do everything. I'll try to be balanced here....

I lucked out in that my H had lived on his own for a long time before we met, so he knows how to do everything that needs doing. He may not do it the way I do it, and there are a few things about our current home that he didn't have (for example we have a dishwasher which he never did when living alone, so he 'doesn't know how to load the dishwasher properly' [his words]) but in general he knows how to do things.

He works and earns way, way more than I do, so while I do work I have a lot more time for chores. I do 100% of the cooking, dishes, laundry, shopping, organizing/decluttering, sweeping the floors, decorating, gardening chores, dusting, paying bills. I do 100% of our finances which is practically a part-time job. I also do all the 'handy' stuff like fixing appliances, hanging curtains, electrical stuff, etc.

He does 95% of the garbage stuff (taking it out, putting in a new bag). He does the bathroom most of the time. He waters the two indoor plants (I have issues with overwatering them). He will clear the table about 10% of the time. We have two small area rugs and he vacuums one of them. 

I would say overall I do about 95% of what needs to be done around here, in terms of chores. When he's home, he's either hanging out with me, sleeping, watching TV, playing piano, entertaining friends, eating, reading, or on the computer. His home life is beyond idyllic - there are no children to bug him or honey-do lists to weigh on him. Food is ready when he comes home, clean clothes are ready when he opens the closet, he doesn't have to think about money ever, etc.

I am okay with this because of the imbalance in our working lives. He is bringing in 90% of the money. So I think it's fair. He will ALWAYS help if I ask for help with something (which is very rare, it has to be a true two-person job.' The main chores he does (garbage and bathroom) are the two I hate the most, he doesn't do them because he loves it. 

One thing that makes this okay with me is that he contributes practically nothing to the workload. He is a very clean person. He doesn't leave things lying around. If he gets a glass of water, he puts the glass in the sink instead of leaving it on the coffee table. He hangs up his coat, puts his clothes in the hamper, puts his work things away immediately when he gets home, etc. He doesn't bring junk into the house. He also doesn't complain if things aren't perfect. I can't blame him for not knowing how to make the bed JUST SO the way I do with all the decorative pillows in a particular order and the narrow stripe on the bottom and the wide stripe on top etc etc etc. 

We are okay because he knows what his chores are and he does them without having to be asked. He doesn't unnecessarily make work for me. He doesn't badger me about chores. He works longer hours and makes the money. But if any one of those things were to change, we'd have to find a way to bring it back into balance.


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## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

zaliblue said:


> It's funny hearing you guys mention "gender roles" when regarding household chores....My husband is a good guy and helps a lot around the house....I have to give him credit.....Well, for my oldest son's 1st birthday, a friend of ours got him a little vacuum cleaner that made noise and such, and my husband got so offended, and even threatened to buy their son a purse....LOL....It's crazy because he vacuums all the time....men....


we are strong nd fearless. we will protect you. we will save you from danger. we love you so much we will do anything you ask
except house work


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

DanglingDaisy said:


> My common law husband


What does common law husband mean?


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## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

Gratitude said:


> What does common law husband mean?


when you live with someone for a long period of time a state will recognize you as common law marriage.


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

ferndog said:


> when you live with someone for a long period of time a state will recognize you as common law marriage.


I've never heard of that term :scratchhead: I'm not sure if we have that in Australia. It's just de-facto until marriage. Same legal rights after a certain period of time but I don't think it's classified as a marriage as such. Interesting.


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## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

it varies state to state, heres 

In a handful of states (listed in the next question), heterosexual couples can become legally married without a license or ceremony. This type of marriage is called a common law marriage. 
Contrary to popular belief, a common law marriage is not created 

when two people simply live together for a certain number of years. In order to have a valid common law marriage, the couple must do all of the following:

live together for a significant period of time (not defined in any state)
hold themselves out as a married couple -- typically this means using the same last name, referring to the other as "my husband" or "my wife," and filing a joint tax return, and
intend to be married.


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

ferndog said:


> it varies state to state, heres
> 
> In a handful of states (listed in the next question), heterosexual couples can become legally married without a license or ceremony. This type of marriage is called a common law marriage.
> Contrary to popular belief, a common law marriage is not created
> ...


Thanks for the explanation :smthumbup:


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

ferndog said:


> *filing of a joint tax return*,


During my tenure at the IRS, I saw many single couples who were cohabitating get _de facto _married by the filing of a married-filing-joint tax return, largely in order to avail themselves of the benefits of that particular filing status, and/or for some of the associated credits. Once that's done, in the eyes of the states that do recognize CLM, and in the eyes of the Fed, you're deemed to be married!


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## Bluemoon1 (Mar 29, 2012)

I have most of the time been willing to help out and have done, but my wife is borderline OCD and is very neat and tidy and everything has to be you know how can i say it "ordered" so in the past when I have done things that were more than menial, they have never been right, started to change, I am going around the house anything that needs to be done I just do it, I could not care less.

On the broader subject if both spouses work I can't really see a problem with sharing the chores, the one thing I can not do is ironing have tried to learn but for some reason it's beyond me, she has used it against me in the past, saying that "you can do your own ironing" the last time she said it, I said no problem I will send it away, she has not said it again


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## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

Bluemoon1 said:


> I have most of the time been willing to help out and have done, but my wife is borderline OCD and is very neat and tidy and everything has to be you know how can i say it "ordered" so in the past when I have done things that were more than menial, they have never been right, started to change, I am going around the house anything that needs to be done I just do it, I could not care less.
> 
> On the broader subject if both spouses work I can't really see a problem with sharing the chores, the one thing I can not do is ironing have tried to learn but for some reason it's beyond me, she has used it against me in the past, saying that "you can do your own ironing" the last time she said it, I said no problem I will send it away, she has not said it again




bluemoon (good beer btw) it is very easy to iron heres how it's done.
1. get wrinkled clothes
2. put inside dryer
3. turn dryer on
4. bingo bango clothes are ironed in 10 minutes.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Just a bit of back ground. I hate house work. I must say that growing up at home my brother and I were treated like princes and never did any house work. Once my Mom waited three weeks to see if i would clean my room. Then she and my Aunt couldn't stand the mess and cleaned it anyways.

When we started off we both worked. I agreed I needed to help out. Since I wasn't living with Mom, there might be certain consequences in the bedroom. I did the yard, cars, handyman projects and some heavy cleaning...she did the shopping, cooking and cleaning. I once tried to do the laundry for her but since I turned every thing pink, I haven't been allowed do that again. 

When our son came along she be came a SHAM. Things pretty much stayed the same. With in a few years she went back to work and asked me for more help. She was right, we were both older, raising a child and she did need help. 
I thought about it for a while, and I figured out how I could accomplish this. 
I hired someone to come in every Friday. Problem solved!


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## Frustrated Man (Apr 2, 2012)

I do housework. Even though I am the main breadwinner, my wife does work. Never made any lists of who does what. Kinda evolved over the years. I take care of the kitchen. She washes clothes. I take trash out. Etc. And this is not written in blood. I have to work over a bunch and dishes start piling up, she will wash them.(In dishwasher) Same for me if she falls behind.
Nothing wrong with stay at home wife doing all the housework. But if wife works, she needs help around the house. Pretty simple.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

When i was married, I was not the type of guy who liked piddling with projects in the basement or garage, and I had a lot more time off from my job than my x; therefore, I took it upon myself to do a lot of chores. I did the lawn and laundry. I took a major role in diaper changes and feeding when the kids were young. I would estimate the house cleaning and cooking was evenly split.

Some feel, however, that my x might have seen this as not the sexiest thing in town. It certainly didn't carry any weight when she decided she was "no longer happy" and wanted a divorce. I guess some women like the guy to pitch in and some don't.


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## Good Dog (Mar 28, 2012)

southbound said:


> When i was married, I was not the type of guy who liked piddling with projects in the basement or garage, and I had a lot more time off from my job than my x; therefore, I took it upon myself to do a lot of chores. I did the lawn and laundry. I took a major role in diaper changes and feeding when the kids were young. I would estimate the house cleaning and cooking was evenly split.
> 
> Some feel, however, that my x might have seen this as not the sexiest thing in town. It certainly didn't carry any weight when she decided she was "no longer happy" and wanted a divorce. I guess some women like the guy to pitch in and some don't.


I think there's a difference between wanting men to acknowledge the hard work women do around the house (which would include contributing some effort toward housework himself), and men actually doing an equal amount of work. My wife's friends talked about this because the ones who had husbands who did a truly equal amount of work saw it as a turn off over time. I learned this the hard way early in our marriage when my wife basically laughed at me for doing too much housework. Well that won't be a problem again. I think some women want us to contribute but never to try and be equals in the domestic sphere. Which is fine with me. 

I remember an author from The Atlantic writing a few years back (2009?) about her affair and subsequent divorce from her husband of many years. One of her chief complaints was that instead of being a stereotypical male who sat on the couch and then jumped her later that night, he spent way too much time being the "perfect" husband in the kitchen. She wound up calling him the "kitchen b--ch" or something like that. In other words, he took her seriously when she said she wanted an equal partnership when it came to housework and paid the price for it. She was confused by her own behavior but felt it was real.

Anyway, I respect those husbands and wives who have equally divided the work at home and in parenting, but it would never work for us, and that was my wife's decision. She likes that I help out some, but that's it.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My husband will sometimes do dishes after supper. The rest is left up to me. Since I'm disabled, I can not carry heavy things or bring the baskets up. Hubby does that.

I don't mind at all doing the brunt of the cleaning. I use to get help from my oldest daughter, but she's rarely home. 

I like a clean house. I clean everyday as much as I can on top of taking care of our animals. Life is good!

I never expect hubby to clean anything, but the garage. Just because I can not lift heavy things. I use to clean the garage and yard work as well.

My husband works very hard bringing food to the table(does 100% of shopping).

It literally takes me all day to clean since I need to rest in between. I do not mind at all. I have a nice system that works well.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Racer said:


> Gotta ask fern.... Did your wife ever take over any of those manly ‘dark ages’ chores? Or did she just split half the traditional womanly ‘dark ages’ daily house keeping chores over to you? .... Split them all and teach her to do that plumbing; She can do those ‘manly’ things too...
> 
> Btw; Another marriage trap that plays into this. Expectations. How my wife sees things is in a perspective of what is left to do. Since there is always something left to do regardless of how hard you ‘work’, she only can perceive in terms of failure. Three kids... a spotless room will be filthy in less than a day.. Sometimes just minutes. No matter where you look, there will be something to clean; Always. There is no way for her to see me as anything but failing her and herself as a failure (as long as she is able to accept blame that is... lol... otherwise it is all your fault). It is a rigged game when you play it that way.
> 
> If I spent all my time daily chore type cleaning, maybe the pool would turn green, that floor stain wouldn’t be shampooed out or her car floors would be sticky or the grass would die in the corner... any of those and I’m still a failure in her eyes. It never ended until I refused to play her game anymore and force new rules. Realistic expectations where anything to exceed this bare minimum must be acknowledged and appreciated by both. Honestly, we now have to say “thank you for _____, I appreciate you doing that.” It forces us to see what each other is doing and makes things more positive instead of pointing out what you didn’t do....


My wife is a SAHM so she handles most of the day to day chores. I help out some when I get home, but that mostly relates to kids or helping clean up after dinner. I do agree that being appreciative is a huge thing. My wife does a lot and I thank her. I know it is her job, but getting positive feedback is necessary.

One issue we had at first was balancing the "intensity" of the chores we were doing. She was handling laundry and folding clothes on a Saturday, while I was downstairs cleaning the basement (which involved moving heavy boxes around) and wiring some new light fixtures. My chores took less time but were far more labor intensive. My wife does not like folding clothes, but can do so while seated and watching some TV. When we were first married, she would have measured the task by the time it took to complete, regardless of what was required to do it. Not so anymore.

What changed her mind was her taking on the bill payments, which she could not multi-task with. She finished and I suggested that she finish helping me with a pretty easy and mundane task. Needless to say, she came around to a better understanding that all chores are not created equal.


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

DanglingDaisy said:


> What's your viewpoint?


I am awful at doing housework. Carol carries a disproportionate share of that particular burden. We both acknowledge that. I'm not particularly pleased about it. We both get it that I carry disproportionate shares of other burdens. We are both more than satisfied with the give and take between us.

Insofar as the why's of all that, for me they are complex. They have to do partially with acculturation (that's the part I'm particularly not proud of). They also have to do with it being "Carol's domain" -- in her head as well as mine. That means that everything I do is just plain more complex. I can't just "do the laundry". I need to do the laundry the way she wants it done. I can't just "put away the dishes". I need to know where all those cursed pots go in her arcane filing system.

Overall, we both think it's just yet another of those unfair and unreasonable parts of our marriage. We both think that the magnitude of the problem it presents is eclipsed by the goodness of our marriage. I continue to try to "do better".


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## Knoxvillekelly (Mar 17, 2012)

wish I could add something. I gave up on this topic years ago


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Good Dog said:


> I think there's a difference between wanting men to acknowledge the hard work women do around the house (which would include contributing some effort toward housework himself), and men actually doing an equal amount of work. My wife's friends talked about this because the ones who had husbands who did a truly equal amount of work saw it as a turn off over time. I learned this the hard way early in our marriage when my wife basically laughed at me for doing too much housework. Well that won't be a problem again. I think some women want us to contribute but never to try and be equals in the domestic sphere. Which is fine with me.
> 
> I remember an author from The Atlantic writing a few years back (2009?) about her affair and subsequent divorce from her husband of many years. One of her chief complaints was that instead of being a stereotypical male who sat on the couch and then jumped her later that night, he spent way too much time being the "perfect" husband in the kitchen. She wound up calling him the "kitchen b--ch" or something like that. In other words, he took her seriously when she said she wanted an equal partnership when it came to housework and paid the price for it. She was confused by her own behavior but felt it was real.
> 
> Anyway, I respect those husbands and wives who have equally divided the work at home and in parenting, but it would never work for us, and that was my wife's decision. She likes that I help out some, but that's it.



I've had some people tell me the same thing. I feel my situation was a little different, though. If our work hours had been the same, I might not have pitched in as much, but due to my profession, I often get weeks off at the time. I would have felt like an idiot just ignoring the house work while she was at her job. I actually felt it my duty to take the lead and do most all if I'm on vacation and she isn't. But I guess my ideas were wrong.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

My wife and I are both clean freaks and are used to cleaning when we lived on our own a few times(in between relationships & before we met), so we pretty much split things 50/50 and always have from day one.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

I help out with cleaning, but no doubt my wife does the lion's share. She also is a housewife, so it's not as clear what % breakdown is appropriate. Rough rule of thumb is that we treat her job as a housewife as equal hours/week job as mine.

My general rule is to help out on weekends, especially with helping the kids get their chores done. During the week I'll help with dishes and other small jobs when the opportunity presents itself.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

when my wife worked I did 50% or better of the house hold chores when she quit to be a stay at home mom I quit doing most of the daily house hold chores.

but I still do most if not all outside chores. cut an acre of grass clean swimming pool ,run the kids to activities,fix all our vehicals,fix and maintain the house.

if she ever goes back to work I will do half if not more oof the chores.

fair is fair


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Good Dog said:


> I remember an author from The Atlantic writing a few years back (2009?) about her affair and subsequent divorce from her husband of many years. One of her chief complaints was that instead of being a stereotypical male who sat on the couch and then jumped her later that night, he spent way too much time being the "perfect" husband in the kitchen.


Wow! That was bizarre enough that I had to go read it for myself. The article was _Let's Call The Whole Thing Off_ by Sandra Tsing Loh, appearing in July/August 2009.

Towards the end of the article, she said:

"_To work, to parent, to housekeep, to be the ones who schedule “date night,” only to be reprimanded in the home by male kitchen b|tches, and then, in the bedroom, to be ignored—it’s a bum deal._"​
This appears to have been a reference to the husband (Ian) of a friend. (Rachel) He liked to cook, but neglected his wife sexually. The 'kitchen b|tch" comment was over the top, but sexual neglect is a legitimate gripe. (IMO)


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## thomas603 (Apr 13, 2012)

Since you are deep into the marriage, I would try to stop focusing on this too much. Look and around and see what it right first and it may open you up to thinking that your "marriage" really isn't so bad after all. 

I'd also try the 5 languages of love. He may be acting out by not doing chores enough because you are not speaking the right love language to him ( and vice versa, you sound like a "acts of service" type lover )which I think is #3? 

an "acts of service" lover feels love from their partner when their partner does things for them. Things without asking especially!


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I do the outside..she does the inside.

Sometimes.

I know the grass doesn't need to be cut everyday, and the snow doesn't have to be shovelled daily.

But when the multiple heavy snow falls come around I'm the one out there. 

When the wasps decide to make multiple hives all around the back yard I'm there.

When the meat needs grillin'...I'm there.

And yes...I do my own ironing too.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

Hey I do any of the stuff my wife needs help around the house with. Including helping with dinner, vacuuming, dishes, plus the outside stuff, like mowing or car repair. 

Hey I look at it this way if I help wife get done early then we have more time together plus it wins points in the bedroom.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

My wife has extreme OCD so you know there's always a lot of freakin cleaning going on around our house.


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## t_hopper_2012 (Apr 17, 2012)

Good Dog said:


> I think there's a difference between wanting men to acknowledge the hard work women do around the house (which would include contributing some effort toward housework himself), and men actually doing an equal amount of work. My wife's friends talked about this because the ones who had husbands who did a truly equal amount of work saw it as a turn off over time. I learned this the hard way early in our marriage when my wife basically laughed at me for doing too much housework. Well that won't be a problem again. I think some women want us to contribute but never to try and be equals in the domestic sphere. Which is fine with me.


I have a hard time wrapping my head around the idea of a wife being turned off by her husband's efforts to shoulder an equal amount of the burden around the house - especially wives that work full time. (Also, why would your wife laugh at you for helping out too much?)

We have two kids and we both work, so we divide the cleaning chores pretty evenly.

Regarding the Atlantic article that was mentioned, the biggest problem was not that the men were helping out too much. It was that they were neglecting their wives in the bedroom.


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