# Struggling with Marriage and Mid-Life



## Tommy509 (Feb 11, 2011)

I’ll try to keep this concise. My wife and I have been married for 24 years. We have a 22 year old son and a 28 year old daughter who are out of the house. Our daughter is from my wife’s previous marriage and this is my first marriage. My wife is six years older than me, and the decision to marry was a difficult one. My wife was recently divorced and we dated for two years, during which I quickly took on the father role for our daughter. I knew that my wife and I had very different personalities (introvert/extrovert, different sense of humor, intelligence, etc) and a long term relationship would be a challenge. In addition, I knew that the age difference could bother me later in life and was concerned about that. I was in college at the time and had several years left to go as I was making a career change and got a late start. I fell in love with her daughter and couldn’t imagine anyone else raising her. I knew I had to make a choice. I tried breaking up once and she pulled me back, and six months later I decided that it made more sense at the time to get married so I pulled the trigger. We’ve had many good times over the years, but the difference in our personalities has been a challenge and is becoming a bigger issue now that the kids are gone and we’re spending more time together. I have a thirst for knowledge and love to debate, and she doesn’t like to read, prefers to watch sitcoms and hates to debate. She’s never seemed very intelligent to me (the other day she asked me if islands are “attached”, she thought that maybe they just floated) and I struggle with that. She does hold an executive position in a family business, so she is smart in a business way. In addition, she drinks almost every day (one or two at night) which seems to accentuate the former. 

All of that said, she is very generous, selfless, loving, considerate, affectionate, and forgiving. There is a bond between us that I think you can only get from raising a family together and I’m not sure I could ever feel the same way with someone else. I do love her, but I also can’t stop obsessing on the differences. I take very good care of myself and look younger than I am (I’ll be 50 this month). She used to look much younger than her age, but lately she’s started gaining more weight and is really starting to look her age. I try not to be superficial, but the age difference is really starting to bother me. I’ve also been struggling with my own health issues over the last year. Nothing major, but low thyroid has been causing a lot of annoying symptoms and my Tinnitus that I picked up several years ago has been more bothersome. The result is that I don't sleep well, never seem to feel good, I’m anxious a lot of the time, and am probably suffering some depression as a result. I’ve really been feeling my age lately and have this constant feeling of hopelessness like I have nothing to look forward to. My wife coming into the backside of her 50’s makes me feel like I’m pushing 60, and I haven’t even hit 50 yet! I’m sure all of this is affecting my impression of my wife, and I don’t want any of it to affect decisions about our marriage. I’ve considered counseling and I know I need to address the drinking issue with her. Over the years I’ve told her of my concerns about our compatibility and suggested we need to talk about some of these things, but she always finds a way to avoid the discussion and has said she won’t consider counseling unless I guarantee that it won’t end in divorce (that’s what happened in her first marriage). I think she’s known that I’m not happy for years, but doesn’t really want to know why. 

We had a bit of a fight last night because I was looking at pictures on my old high school web site and she became obsessive about what I was looking at and why. I asked her to back off and she became angry (she had been drinking). She apologized this morning and I told her we need to have a serious talk. She agreed and we’ll probably sit down tonight. 

I’m not sure what to do. I keep having these depressing thoughts of hopelessness as if I have no future with her. At the same time, I’ve never lived on my own and I keep fantasizing of divorce and having my own life. I feel that if this marriage isn’t going to work, we should break it off now, while we’re still young enough to meet someone new, but I also hate to throw away what we have. We don’t have many friends and really are each other’s best friend. If we broke up, I would still want to be friends, but that may not be possible. I feel lost.

Sorry about the length, and thanks in advance. I’d appreciate any feedback.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I can't find my relationship book that discusses something similar so you may have to look it up. The gist of it was this is a very common thing among middle age men. Call it mid-life crisis whatever. Women have their version too it's called menopause. At this age (I'm almost 45) you start questioning everything, your life, your relationships, all of it. It's very very normal. It doesn't mean you end a 24 year marriage it's just a transition that should I think inspire change (it has in my own life).

If your wife won't go to counseling I think you should go on your own it would really help. I've been going alone for the past few months and it's really helping me get happier with my life. Your needs aren't being met but you seem clueless and stuck as to how to accomplish those needs. 

On the drinking how long has that been going on? Just curious. I'm wondering if she started drinking because her kids moved out and her husband doesn't like her all that much right now. Would also explain the weight gain. Alcohol bloats something terrible.


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## Tommy509 (Feb 11, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> I can't find my relationship book that discusses something similar so you may have to look it up. The gist of it was this is a very common thing among middle age men. Call it mid-life crisis whatever. Women have their version too it's called menopause. At this age (I'm almost 45) you start questioning everything, your life, your relationships, all of it. It's very very normal. It doesn't mean you end a 24 year marriage it's just a transition that should I think inspire change (it has in my own life).
> 
> If your wife won't go to counseling I think you should go on your own it would really help. I've been going alone for the past few months and it's really helping me get happier with my life. Your needs aren't being met but you seem clueless and stuck as to how to accomplish those needs.
> 
> On the drinking how long has that been going on? Just curious. I'm wondering if she started drinking because her kids moved out and her husband doesn't like her all that much right now. Would also explain the weight gain. Alcohol bloats something terrible.



Thanks for the reply. The drinking has been a problem off and on for about 15 years. Through her job, she sits on several boards and some of them were very social. When the kids were at home, she would come home drunk as late as 1am. We had many big arguments about this and some around the kids. She gets very defensive when she drinks and it seemed to bring out her resentment of my relationship with the kids. She would then try to cut me down in front of them and if the kids weren’t in the room during an argument, I would ask her to keep her voice down so the kids don’t hear, and she would intentionally raise her voice so they could hear. I love to have a few ****tails with her on the weekend, but I hate being around her when she drinks if I'm not drinking. After a few of our larger arguments, she agreed to only drink with me and only when I drink (in lieu of both of us stopping all together). Unfortunately, this would only last a few months and she would go back to her old habits. It seems to be worse now in that it’s virtually every night. She generally doesn’t have more than two drinks and doesn’t stop at bars by herself to drink (I think), but she always seems to have a benefit, or meeting in a restaurant, or stops at her folks house on the way home, or she’ll have a few glasses of wine or scotch at home. I hate to stop completely, as we both really enjoy going out for a drink and dinner, but that may be the only other option. Although, she has so many opportunities outside the home that I don’t think she’d stick to it anyway.

Thanks again.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Not much advice to offer, but maybe it helps to know that there are others who have similar issues with midlife. My wife and I are both 45. When we married, we both were committed to a healthy lifestyle. In the last 15 years, because of Depression and Bipolar issues, she is very ready to proceed into old age. 

Not sure how to navigate this, because even the efforts to find common interests can be resented at times. She has to decide that she wants to live the rest of her life actively, just like the younger years, but with common sense adjustments.

Best of luck.


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