# How & When to Tell People About Divorce



## HorseShowMom (Oct 7, 2019)

Hi all, its been awhile since I've been able visit. I hope the quarantine situation is treating everyone well. 
I have been working with my therapist and a local domestic violence assistance program as much as possible during the last few months, but having the kids out of school and sports and now taking care of my parents needs and husbands demands has been difficult and time consuming. Anyhow, my decision to leave still stands. The timeline hasn't been decided, but I can't take three little kids out into the unknown as long as staying home is still a safe option. My main question is when should I try and talk about leaving with my husband (I have not asked for a divorce yet), and is there anyone else who I would want to mention it to (like friends or neighbors or the kids' teachers?). Do I say anything to the kids (they're young- 2,5 and 7)? I feel like I'm sneaking around when I look for a job and somewhere to live. I know I can't take any money with me, and I would never steal from my husband or anyone else anyway, but I'm afraid to talk to him as long as we're all stuck at home together. Its just that we've been stuck at home for months now and I don't know how much more I can endure. Is there a good divorce guide out there somewhere? Like instructions on how to end a marriage and start over and how to minimize trauma with the kids and what to do with pets... its overwhelming.


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

The Ultimate Divorce Checklist for 2020 (How to Prepare) | Survive Divorce - seems pretty thorough in the practical aspects.

I generally just looked for a divorce checklist on google. Sometimes I would have to search "divorce checklist <state>" for specific instructions about filing with the court or where to get the co-parenting class. I took a co-parenting class as a requirement for divorce which provided some good tips for not screwing up the kids too bad.

The looking for a job and making preparations to leave feels like sneaking around because it is. It is also necessary anytime there is the possibility of violence or abuse.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Tell him calmly that you’re getting a divorce (hopefully you didn’t really mean askIng him for one). Don’t expect him to take it well so have a plan in place. Better that the children are elsewhere when you have that conversation. 

I made lots of lists — things I needed to do, things I wanted to do, things I hoped to do, etc. As I completed items, I crossed them off. That way I could see myself making progress even when it didn’t really feel like I was.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

All the above, and perhaps have a trusted friend come by after the allotted time set aside, to check on you, or even present.

There's no easy way it's sad to say. Yours and the kids safety is first above all things - even your Hs feelings.

There are no words to describe some necessities or happenings in life so I won't even say hang in there, but I will say you can do it. The first step is hardest.

Best wishes.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Ok I've read your other threads. I am so excited to you. You deserve to be happy.

I'd really talk to the domestic abuse people in your area. Explain his behaviors and your desire to leave and see what they have to say. They are way more qualified. A normal person you sit down and say this isn't working for me and I"m divorcing you. Your husband I don't think I'd tell until your plans are in place to go.

Also talk to an attorney. All divorces involve a split of assets so when you say you can't take any money with you..... You will have a right to something and depending on how custody goes you'd get child support. Looking for a job shouldn't be a big deal. Because it is that's why you have to look in secret. Because of the way he would respond, not because it's a big deal you want a job.

I wish I knew what to say but I hope you find the support you need. Stay firm.


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## HorseShowMom (Oct 7, 2019)

Thank you all- I think a plan is finally coming together. I meet with my therapist on Wed, so will focus more on going over the logistics of leaving. I have spoken to several attorneys and have selected one that I really trust. She has worked with many clients with safety concerns and child custody issues similar to mine. We have been putting off a meeting until I could leave the house without the kids and without H being around. Hopefully that will happen soon. The kids and I are already cleared to be put into a safe house if a situation arises and I do have a few things (clothes/kids' stuff/ copies of important paperwork) stashed at my parents' house, but they are totally unaware of the situation and I'd like to keep it that way. I will casually try and find someone (maybe his brother?) to watch the kids when we have the talk. I don't have friends anymore, and haven't seen most of my family in years (he doesn't like my family) but maybe I can reconnect with my sisters soon. I do miss having people to talk to. I think @Openminded had a good suggestion with the lists. I might have a little less anxiety if I could see my plans and progress on paper. Also, I am fairly certain I've found a job that I can actually get. I've never really gotten to have a career, so the idea of getting to go out and experience the world sounds so exciting! Terrifying, too. But I'm trying to stay positive. I just hope the kids are okay when its all said and done, and that they eventually understand the difficult decision I've had to make. I'm really afraid that they'll resent me for being selfish and dragging us into poverty and having to be at work instead of being there for them. They love their dad so so much and I feel terrible breaking our family apart. ugh. I hope its worth it. Sometimes I swear its better to take a few punches or a **** in the butt than to think about upsetting my children. They're all I have.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

No you never want your children to grow up thinking this is ok because they learn how to live by watching you. They may not know now but kids are really savy and as they get older so you want your daughter to think this is the way a marriage should work? Your son? Do you want him to treat women this way?

It isn't just about your happiness. Though that would be enough. This isn't oh I feel a little blue. 

It is really about showing your children that you face your problems and you don't let people treat you like this. As they approach 12 to 15 they would know something is up the 7 year old may already have a clue.

When my parents divorced my mom thought I'd be devastated, especially since he left in the middle of the night, just gone. But I laughed when she asked because I had been telling her for 4 years he was having an affair. She knew I knew but she thought I was guessing so she always denied it when I brought it up. 

The world isn't easy and life won't be magical just cause you are out. In fact many aspects will get worse. But in 10 years I predict you will be happy, successful and have healthy happily adjusted children. And you will be so glad you made this decision to stop the abuse.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

so how did your therapy go? Does she have a plan to help you extricate yourself safely? 

You know how you were saying trying to find time to go to a lawyer that he wouldn't know. Well how about instead of going to therapy when he thinks that where you are going you go to a lawyer. I mean you don't take them to therapy right? And he wouldn't know.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I am so glad to see that you are still intent on getting out. There is no asking for a divorce. Make your plan and then tell him this is what you are doing as you are ready to walk out. You can divorce without his agreement. Be prepared to call the police and have your kids out. 

I’m cheering you on from out here!


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