# Facebook- what do you think?



## couponmom (Jul 1, 2012)

Hi I'm new but I stumbled upon this board because I am so sad and discouraged. My DH of 11 yrs has a lot of female friends on FB. In January I saw some texts pop up on his phone one day from one of his female friends (they are all old friends of his from before we were married). I got like a sick feeling because it was so flirty and suggestive. He never flirts with me and he's not romantic in the least. I confronted him and found out he is in contact with two woman via FB. He got very defensive about it of course and said I was snooping, I don't trust him, I'm too insecure, etc. The thing that bothered me the most is he mentioned to one woman that we had not had sex very much in the past year. This is true but he makes ZERO effort. ( I don't turn him down)

After I confronted him he was on good behavior for awhile but he is very very defensive about it. Which makes me think he is guilty as hell. I think this is EA. He says just old friends- funny he has no male old friends. He says he has no one to talk to. 
He doesn't know but I checked his office and I have his FB password. I know this is snooping. I haven't even been checking on him lately at all cause nothing had been going on. Then we went on vacation and he was SO grumpy the whole time. I work 3 nights a week and this is when he is on FB sending PM's. So I check right after vaca and I find out he sent a ton of messages complaining that I made vacation terrible and I don't want him to have any friends and I made him dump all his old friends after we got married and plus a lot of other personal info about me. 

He also tells these women how sexy they are how special they are how is attracted to them and all kinds of "what if" and "if only" stuff. I know he also sent one of them a birthday present and a christmas present. They both live out of state so I know he has not seen them in person. He has talked to at least one of them on the phone though. The women are both apparently in rocky marriages and they love that he comiserates with them.

I don't know where to go from here. From the sound of his messages I am ruining his life but when I ask him he says nothing is wrong. He has no male friends and is a total home body. He basically has no interests outside of watching TV every night. He gets very resentful that I work and night and he watches our 6 yr old. If I occasional want to go out with the girls (happens about 4 times year) I have to feel guilty about it for weeks after.

We do have sex some maybe a few times a month- he has some health issues- diabetes plus overweight- I don't know if he is depressed also or just a really good liar. I know I have a lot of faults and my reaction to things makes the problem worse. We are both mid 40s with one kid.

couponmom


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Sounds like he is having at least one - maybe two or more - Emotional Affairs.

It's gone beyond flirting with the gifts. And complaining to them about you is likely him looking for pity.

Hoping someone else will be along soon to tell you exactly what to do next. 

In the meantime, read some of the other threads or do an Internet search on how to stop emotional affairs.

Good luck...and sorry...


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Short answer: EA. I had the same issue with my husband telling someone who was "just a friend" that she was "sexy" and "beautiful". I possibly could have overlooked the beautiful comment, except that he couldn't remember the last time he had called me either of those things. He was in the beginning stages of an EA. Your husband is sending gifts to these women (or woman...doesn't matter the number). And he is saying "what if" and "if only". He is only talking to the women when you are NOT around, and he isn't telling you about the conversations. Secrecy... he is cheating. Emotionally cheating, since you said you are certain there has been no physical contact due to proximity.

You can get a copy of his messages on Facebook. I think this thread should be moved over to CWI. Ask a mod to move it over. I let the people on CWI (Coping With Infidelity) know about this post. You will get more advice on what to do from them.

See if you can get the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. I know a few people have a link to it in their signatures.


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

FB has become such an enemy of marriage that I can't stand it. My wife used to be on it all of the time and it really shook the marriage a little because she started lying about messaging late at night. I verified that there was no EA going on but the experience soured her enough to cut way back and limit interacting with the opposite sex there.

With FB you need to set boundaries, boundaries and more boundaries. It can target your marriage right under your own roof.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

This sounds very much like a few EAs in progress, and they really need to be nipped in the bud. 

Here's a link to Shirley Glass' website (author of the book Maricha mentioned). There's some interesting info there about online attractions.

Reflections by Glass, by Dr. Shirley Glass


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Either re-post or look for a Moderator and ask to have it reposted in Coping With Infidelity.

On my phone - didn't catch that this was in General. Nothing wrong posting here - but the folks in CWI will tell you exactly what to do next.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

FB isn't the problem. Be glad you know he is unhappy, however it came about.

You need to tell him you read the stuff and you know he is unhappy--don't let him lie. Tell him to join you in marriage counseling and begin sharing passwords to ALL accounts (email, bank accounts, etc). Complete trust means you have no secrets from each other. 

Use counseling to find ways for YOU to be happier as well as to find ways to improve the relationship. 

Do NOT let him turn tables and blame you for snooping--emotional cheating is a lot worse than snooping, and you had cause (the pop up message you first saw). Simply refocus on the fact that now that you know he is so unhappy in the marriage, you want to do what you can to help fix it. Be a broken record. You have NO reason to feel bad about snooping under the circumstances and every right to focus on solving the REAL problem, as well as every right to competely ignore any attempt he makes to distract this and focus "blame" on you. If you refuse to engage with him when he attempts to shift focus, he can't have an argument with you about it. Be very single-minded about the fact that the marriage needs help, and mention that you can discuss privacy issues in counseling, but the real issue is how unhappy he is and you are ready and willing to address that. 

Good luck.


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## couponmom (Jul 1, 2012)

I hope someone will move this for me to the appropriate place


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Mod contacted.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

You can't stop it. Youhave 2 choices:

1. Put up with it because you can't stop it
2. Tell him you will not tolerate and expect a divorce.

I've been down this road. My STBXH did the exact same things. Said the same things, then turned on me and blamed me for snooping, etc. I was right all along, trust your gut instinct and the proof you see. Do not think its nothing. This is a very serious threat to your marriage.

Good luck.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

brokenbythis said:


> You can't stop it. Youhave 2 choices:
> 
> 1. Put up with it because you can't stop it
> 2. Tell him you will not tolerate and expect a divorce.
> ...


There is some hope. But I agree that it is a serious threat. Also, the Shirley Glass link above and the "Not Just Friends" books are also good recommendations.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

I agree the Shirley Glass books are great resources but you can't make him stop if he doesn't want to.

And be prepared for him to fight/resist. Now he'll blame you for alientating his facebook "friends" along with everyone else. Don't buy it.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

brokenbythis said:


> I agree the Shirley Glass books are great resources but you can't make him stop if he doesn't want to.
> 
> And be prepared for him to fight/resist. Now he'll blame you for alientating his facebook "friends" along with everyone else. Don't buy it.


I agree.

When we use the term EA we have to be careful. In the strictest sense it means two people become infatuated due to poor boundaries.

In this case this man is using FB as a glorified dating service.

That kind of premeditation, and doing it serially with anyone who will listen, and then not communicating any of these problems with his spouse--to me that signals a damaged person. There may be problems in the marriage, you can work on them 24/7, but you're still left with his outrageously inappropriate behavior.

He needs to understand that discussing the marriage this way with these women is a form of infidelity; in His Needs / Her Needs, Dr. Harley says these types of conversations are at grave risk for creating an infatuation if the listener responds with caring.

Still, I love Dr. Glass's book. I just don't expect him to see himself in it. I expect huge resistance to his being told he should stop his childish behavior.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## couponmom (Jul 1, 2012)

thanks for the advice so far- I reserved the book from the library- I don't think i am bringing it up to him again right now- I confronted him before- he got defensive- then things got better- now he is right back to his old patterns- he has no male friends- that is a problem in my mind- we are Christians- I think he should have some male friends to talk things over with if he thinks there are problems- i am not claiming to be perfect or saying I don't bring my share of problems to the situation- I am very insecure- I don't trust him- I am spooping but
the chatting with women thing just bothers me so much- I have very few male friends on FB outside of family members or spouses of female friends- I would never bring up anything to do with his personal life to my friends on FB yet he is sharing personal things about me to put me in a bad light to these women to get sympathy (I think)
I did try to ask him to go to MC but he didn't really want to- I wasn't that much into going either- should I go myself?


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

iheart: Poor boundaries is the exactly what these people have. Not just him but the women he is "friends" with also. In the case of my STBXH, he has no boundaries with anybody, and all these bimbos who have been emailing, texting and calling him inappropriately all these years have no boundaries also. Along with no ethics. I have noticed a pattern in my STBXH - he surrounds himself with messed up people. All of his friends have serious issues. Poor boundaries is their #1 issue, and their other issues go hand in hand with that.

Couponmom: What he is doing is extremely inappropriate for a married man. He should not under any circumstances be telling these women anything about your marriage, especially intimate details about your sex life, etc. The thing is, when you live with someone like him who harbors secrets and doesn't share his feelings with you, you will never KNOW him. He's been telling these women he is unhappy, had a crappy vacation with you and so on. How are you to know? You don't because he keeps it a secret. He is not letting the real him be shown to you. Do you really want to continue for the rest of your life living with a stranger?

I know I don't.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

As brokenbythis suggests, this is the hobby of a damaged person who needs counseling. He uses FB as an escape; it's a fantasy world where he can be whomever he wants to be. It's a compulsion for him (extremely bad habit) approaching an addiction.

Keep this in the back of your head because we've seen this before: he probably qualifies as at least an Internet addict. Do you have any way of knowing how much porn he may be consuming via the computer?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ansley (Apr 5, 2010)

There are multiple studies in how Facebook affects people negatively. Unless your Mark Zuckerberg you dont need a Facebook. The entire concept was developed to make it easier for college kids to “hook up” and we all know what hook up means. Most pages are a total fa'sad. We know that if we are spending time looking at other people lives---then they are looking at ours---on the freaking internet. Some examples from one study:

“My husband is the best ever. He just surprised me at work with yellow roses and lilies—MY FAV”
_---she didn’t post that the cops were at their house the week before because of a fight_

“Loving New York City! So good to see everybody”
_---he didn’t post that his wife and him were there to borrow money from his parents because they were about to lose their house_


“Props to my husband he got a 4.0 this semester! I knew you could do it honey”
_---what she didn’t post was that her husband is 35, does not work and has been in school his entire life._


Im not saying its wrong to post these things. What Im saying is that there are 2 sides to every story. What FaceBook is doing to marriages and coworkers is pretty darn irresponsible.

Its a sad world when a therapist says "how often are you on facebook?"


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

I'm the last person in the world to defend Facebook because that's how my ex wife's ex boyfriend found her and started us on the path to divorce. However, FB is a tool, which has made it easier for old flames to reconnect. In the past, one had to jump through hoops to find a lost love. Now, that person can be found in a matter of minutes using a computer. Let's not single out Facebook. Why not blame technology in general? Computers, cell phones, automobiles, airplanes, etc. have made cheating so much easier.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> I'm the last person in the world to defend Facebook because that's how my ex wife's ex boyfriend found her and started us on the path to divorce. However, FB is a tool, which has made it easier for old flames to reconnect. In the past, one had to jump through hoops to find a lost love. Now, that person can be found in a matter of minutes using a computer. Let's not single out Facebook. Why not blame technology in general? Computers, cell phones, automobiles, airplanes, etc. have made cheating so much easier.


It is a lot easier, Count, but I still believe that where there's a will there's a way. If someone wants to cheat, they're going to find a way to do it. These days, there's just so many ways of doing and disguising it.


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## As You Wish (Jun 5, 2012)

Facebook was definitely a factor in the failure of my first marriage. I loathe it.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> It is a lot easier, Count, but I still believe that where there's a will there's a way. If someone wants to cheat, they're going to find a way to do it. These days, there's just so many ways of doing and disguising it.


True that. I don't see people bltching about technology when there's an emergency of when they're availing everything that technology offers.

It comes down to people misusing it. I don't think Mark Zuckerburg asked them to get in touch with their ex lovers, its the people who're doing it, weak boundaries blame it on that


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I agree that technology is neutral. That said, I believe our culture has not caught up to the fact that you can sit on your sofa and send photographs instantly to a person (any person) with a phone on the other side of the world. Or receive money from anyone as long as you have an email address. Etc etc.

There are some changes afoot. Teenagers sometimes exchange all passwords as a sign of mutual trust. As usual the young are the digital natives and anyone over a cetain age is just an immigrant and many immigrants, including some on TAM, are not able to make that leap that a technological revolution is foisting on us relationship by relationship. Ironically of course those same teenagers get into other issues over password exchanges when that trust is abused, so IMHO this is something reserved for married adults. It's something many people don't think about until confronted with the consequences of never talking it through with their life partner.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## couponmom (Jul 1, 2012)

brokenbythis said:


> Couponmom: What he is doing is extremely inappropriate for a married man. He should not under any circumstances be telling these women anything about your marriage, especially intimate details about your sex life, etc. The thing is, when you live with someone like him who harbors secrets and doesn't share his feelings with you, you will never KNOW him. He's been telling these women he is unhappy, had a crappy vacation with you and so on. How are you to know? You don't because he keeps it a secret. He is not letting the real him be shown to you. Do you really want to continue for the rest of your life living with a stranger?
> 
> I know I don't.


I checked his email account also and found several emails to the other woman (not the one he shared details with on FB) but she is sending him "racy" (not nude) photos just alluring. She also says things like I dreamed about you, my husband is a jerk, etc.

I agree it is totally his pattern to surround himself with screwed up women then he is seen as some kind of knight in shining armor. Oh "Jim-Bob" they say if only my husband was as understanding as you, if only I had married you, if only we could get together, etc. and his ego just eats that up.

I don't think he would actually act on it. I also do not think he is using porn I checked everything about this on our computer etc and I don't think he could be. Thats not really his pattern anyway it's like he just gets off on the emotional stuff of listening to these women's problems and being the sympathetic good guy. 

His responses in the messages are all pretty tame- like you are making me blush, hugs, sweet dreams, etc. but he is never playful or flirty with me. It is mostly the women who are innappropriate but he never says stop it. Although I still don't think its right he said stuff about our sex life or lack of it and that he had a crappy vacation.

I also didn't realize we were just in NJ and he really wanted to go to his reunion but he NEVER said anything to me or asked about it so I didn't even know about it. I would have been more than happy to go with him. But he told women #1 that I was dead set against it and not letting him go- he didn't even ask me!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

His responses may be tame - but the correct response would be for him to not reply to them at all...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Diabetes? 1 or 2?

If 2, he really does need to reduce his weight. That's what I am doing.


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## couponmom (Jul 1, 2012)

no- type 1 since childhood- he used to be quite thin but he does not work out or play sports any more- I cannot talk as I am about 50 lbs overweight but with less health issues- we could both stand to hit the gym but he won't go with me I think he has worse body image than I do


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Does his diabetes impact him in the bedroom (circulation issues)? His situation reminds me of daggeredheart's husband except his was def porn addiction and then one virtual long distance EA, not multiples ones. He had ED and diabetes.

I would seek counseling with a porn addiction counselor, because they treat Internet addiction (that is what porn addicts are at heart these days). They are also trained to handle infidelity. They are also good for referrals to other counselors trained to deal with his type of situation.

He is going to have to go cold turkey on FB. You will need to exact consequences for his abuse of FB this way. This is his compulsion. Some people drink too much, others gamble, he talks to lonely women on FB. It's just a matter of time before he finds a special one if he hasn't already and becomes truly infatuated. There are threads right now of men and women leaving their spouses for a virtual EA. This is no joke and it isn't going to get better without a crackdown.

Sorry, I'm sure it's been asked, what is his reaction to going to MC?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ansley (Apr 5, 2010)

Its boundaries period. I thought text messaging was bad. Lets face it...its sneaky. If you cant call someone because you are afraid their husband or wife might be in the room...its wrong. I started getting sucked into and stopped it (thank to support from this forum) 

The boundary issues on Facebook blow my mind. It sems innocent enough until lines are crossed...and they almost always are. Student and teachers are Facebook friends? (NOT COOL!) Employers and employees (real smart!) Ex's in other elationships still Facebook friends (now there is a recipe for disaster) 

Sadly you tell a partner "hey i think facebook is a distraction. let's both delete our pages. if we want to get in touch with someone we can call them, goto dinner, have them over, whatever you choose"---very rarely does that conversation ever end with either account being deleted. For whatever reason people come up with about 10 reasons why they "need" a facebook. My favorite is "well its how I check on my kids" REdiculous


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## diamond76 (Jun 26, 2012)

anonymouskitty said:


> True that. I don't see people bltching about technology when there's an emergency of when they're availing everything that technology offers.
> 
> It comes down to people misusing it. I don't think Mark Zuckerburg asked them to get in touch with their ex lovers, its the people who're doing it, weak boundaries blame it on that



I definitely agree with the fact that Facebook is not the cause of divorce or separation. People are unfaithful, not Facebook! I know I'm the last person who can say this, 'cause I've been cheated on and I discovered it by *spying my husband's pc* thanks to an Italian site called Endoacustica, which helped me to discover all his passwords, etc... but you can't accuse technology of being the cause of the breaking-off.
In my opinion, Couponmon should try to find psychological support for her and her husband, if they want to save their relationship. When a man cheats on his wife, it's not just his fault, but also his wife's.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

diamond76 said:


> When a man cheats on his wife, it's not just his fault, but also his wife's.


WTF?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

diamond76 said:


> When a man cheats on his wife, it's not just his fault, but also his wife's.


Whilst problems in a marriage are joint problems, the decision to 'solve' them by cheating is never the other partner's "fault."


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

couponmom said:


> He got very defensive about it of course and said I was snooping, I don't trust him, I'm too insecure, etc.


I heard all that, plus more...I'm controlling, I'm a bully, I shouldn't snoop, etc. You need to stomp this shyte HARD. I had to shut down my W's FB contact with her HS BF. Tell your H to choose NOW...you, or the girls. Tell him to go no contact with all of them NOW, or you're going to see a lawyer. 

It's sad, but that seems to be the only thing that works with these attention-seeking POS spouses.


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