# Am I still qualified to post?



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Just curious really, since I've been living pretty much a single life now... my wife and I have no longer any plans for reconciliation, she's absolutely reached her limit of her frustrations and I've mine. Our daughter is very disappointed as our early stages of our seperation still involved the three of us being a family. We've raised her in core family values passed down by both our family backgrounds, which has returned to bite us in the ass it seems.

I've been focused on turning my circumstances around since the disastrous "low season" suffered by my business due to my own incompetence resulting in the lack of hours and work for my staff. Since then they now have more than enough work to keep themselves and their loved ones fed with referrals and establishing relations with hotels and tour groups, hence I'm semi-proud of my achievement, even though all I had to do really was just shape up and do my job.

My STBXW has not found someone else nor me, instead she seems to be getting fatter by the day and really letting herself go. I feel really sorry for her, sometimes I even feel like giving in out of guilt of what I've done. I spend most of my time keeping my mind occupied in my business and attempting to be innovative despite my decision to no longer expand my business. I still can not afford to buy out my shareholders and my investors are not very happy with the stagnation of our growth which is a change of pace compared to the last few years.

In my spare time however I spend alone, become rather anti-social which my mates have realised, just playing games and watching the hours go by. When I post here I feel unqualified, I'm seperated heading for divorce, who am I to give advice to people who are still married, who still know what love means and how it feels. I've almost forgotten as the only love I feel now is love for my only child who is the best thing that has happened as a result of our marriage (even though she was the reason we got married in the first place)

What advice can I possibly offer now? Should I retire from this forum?


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

I'm not married at the moment myself, but was for over 25 years. Surely there is room for us here. (Don't go)


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I've only been married for 4 years =/

I feel like a baby trying to give advice to grown ups, I'm also only in my late 20s... when I was married I felt more confident but now settling into single daddyhood... I just don't know. What advice can I possibly offer?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

You have a story to tell just like everyone else. Post away.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Guess I can post, but not sure if I can offer much advice no more except for something I personally experienced I guess, sharing experiences, guess I can do that... advise, perhaps not


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## Zulnex (Mar 23, 2013)

I definitely agree that you should post. Nothing wrong with sharing your experiences.

For example, in my case I have never even been in a relationship, but mostly post in the off topic area.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

RD, you absolutely should post. You, as others have stated, have a story to tell. You have seen what does and does not work, in your own relationship. You can advise those who seem to be heading down the same path. And...there are the occasional lighthearted posts floating around the site... you're always welcome to post. Stick around. You never know who you might help. Besides, when you find a new lady, you might benefit from the advice of the ladies and gentlemen of TAM.


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## nunikit (Mar 20, 2013)

I don't have any relationship advice, not even when dealing with infidelity. But I still post when they're is a topic that I find interesting.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

RandomDude:

You have learned some valuable (and hard) lessons from your relationship and failed marriage. Share your info with others; especially young newlyweds can relate to your tale. Keep reading/learning so you can fix YOURSELF for the future.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm not married either. Maybe we need the Singles Clubhouse here


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I'm not married either. Maybe we need the Singles Clubhouse here


Sign me up too! :smthumbup:

RandomDude, you have valuable insight to share, dont sell yourself short. You never know when someone else will benefit from what you share, as proven in another thread where you were specifically called upon to help!


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

RD you are qualified to give advice *because you've got experience*. It doesn't matter if you're divorced or married. What you went through made you who you are today so there's plenty of room/reasons for you to post and stick around here and make others learn from you.

Heck what am I supposed to say about myself ?
...yet I stick around lol.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Random DUDE... never feel this way... ALL EXPERIENCES... the good, the bad & the Ugly...are valuable.... you are one of the FEW here who have the experience of living with a Nympho... and how this sucked the life out of your relationship.... great insights in other areas as well....things like "the Power view of Sex"... Aggressive SEX....what to teach your daughter about MEN..since Dad knows all too well how to "Play 'em". 

Some here feel I shouldn't be posting cause I haven't experienced the way Modern society lives...that I am stuck in some damn time warp of the 1950's ... being older fashioned minded... doesn't stop me from posting! We're all different and that's COOL.... I really can't relate to most of the stuff put on this forum, I can only "imagine"... 

You have actually WALKED in some of these shoes... I think the strongest people with the greatest voices ....Learn from their mistakes... it's not where you have been...but how it has changed you internally ..... we all have a message to some regrets...

And to where you aspire to go/ working on yourself...... keep seeking/ learning... this can only help you in your future endeavors with women, to help you gauge what type will be compatible with who you are at your core....how to handle communication.... I don't think you could live a second lifetime & find another like your STBX though..you will have different issues entirely I am sure. 

Keep posting [email protected]#$%^ I meant to comment on your post in the religious section to the Video I posted....I was very touched by your thoughts. I wish more people had your attitude!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Thanks guys for your comments, its quite encouraging - and guess I still feel alot like a failure really, broken promises, disappointing my daughter who still loves mummy very much. I've also done sh-t Im not proud of, like hell, my seperation began with me foolishly thinking cutting off sex out of the blue was a way of enforcing boundaries.

Boundaries that I failed to establish in my relationship leading to my wife exploiting me whenever she could get the chance. My past antics also led to all of it, me cheating on her before marriage, flirting with other women, expressing my feelings of failure for marrying her as she was not "racially suitable" for my people's future etc etc. 

But past is past now, guess even a failure can give advice yes? How not to repeat one's mistakes? Heh... thanks though, it is encouraging


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

RandomDude said:


> Thanks guys for your comments, its quite encouraging - and guess I still feel alot like a failure really, broken promises, disappointing my daughter who still loves mummy very much. I've also done sh-t Im not proud of, like hell, my seperation began with me foolishly thinking cutting off sex out of the blue was a way of enforcing boundaries.
> 
> Boundaries that I failed to establish in my relationship leading to my wife exploiting me whenever she could get the chance. My past antics also led to all of it, me cheating on her before marriage, flirting with other women, expressing my feelings of failure for marrying her as she was not "racially suitable" for my people's future etc etc.
> 
> But past is past now, guess even a failure can give advice yes? How not to repeat one's mistakes? Heh... thanks though, it is encouraging


Just wanted to tell you that every day is a new day a new beginning. We can make a choice to change our lives for the better or dwell on what happened in the past. 

I do know that we are designed to be in community and everyone has a purpose. I think my purpose is to help others find a new path or to at least tell others to watch the pot holes I have fallen in in my travels. Hang around we all need some help from time to time!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Thanks, though well, my life at present isn't very pretty, I am better though, less depressing, I smile more, though become a bit of a douche; still a flirt but I've become celibate. Kinda bad combination =/
But I guess I'm just not ready for the dating pool, maybe I should just drop the bomb on every girl I meet from now on - "I have a kid, yup thats right, now go away" lol so it saves people the trouble.

Though some might go "Really? I have kids too!"... 
-.-

Dont know what the future holds for me, but I guess I can try to help others, though everytime I post I guess I was feeling a bit like "Why should they listen to me? My marriage was a fail!" Heh oh well, thanks though

Also, guess I've also realised one mistake I've made was to think that I knew it all - my failure has humbled me to make me realise there's still so much I have yet to learn, which makes me a little wary when posting


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

RandomDude said:


> Also, guess I've also realised one mistake I've made was to think that I knew it all - my failure has *humbled* me to make me realise there's still so much I have yet to learn, which makes me a little wary when posting


In my way of thinking... a humble man is an honest reflective man who has no illusions to where he has been, calls it what it was...but is striving to BE better/ a new man... is open to learning ways to better himself... How can this be a bad thing? 

I have picked up on your humbleness of late in your posts... . You don't want to continually beat yourself up though.... given all you have been through ...this is NOT all on your shoulders...it takes 2.....we all need a little self compassion to keep our heads afloat..and have Hope...

Test how self-compassionate you are

My Mother really messed up her life... didn't have that "self compassion" ... lost all her self esteem, never believed in







again... she'll go on about what a failure or bad example she was to me... We had an in depth conversation about that days ago sitting in my living room... She has always been very open with me how she screwed it up & didn't want ME to go down that path... but she's still here - still kicking.. she can even make light of it with some laughing to how F'd up she was - and where it led....I guess this is healthy. 

We can all learn from each other... You are so young Random Dude..... Seek the good, throw out the bad.. and move on with Hope ....none of us are defined by our past.... don't allow this to drag you down and keep you there...that would be the shame. 

We all need to Rise above.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Thanks SA, guess contrary to self-compassion is what my father used to tell me, that power comes with responsibility, but just as well - taking responsibility for your own actions gives you the power to change. I don't really blame my wife for what has happened, and I guess it doesn't help that I feel guilty everytime I see her now, as tubby as she is, she's lost all esteem and is in a much worse shape.

I destroyed her it seems, you seen her too, still remember you told me that you thought she was very beautiful - to crush a woman like that, well, I do feel alot of guilt. Yet I have no illusions about her love, and in the end she was a good woman aside from her demons. She still takes care of my daughter while I work the weekdays, even though her inactivity I feel is a bad example at present for my daughter.

I'd rather she lose that weight and find someone else, to show my daughter "this is how a woman does things, she gets knocked down, but she picks herself up". Oh well... guess I'm following in your mother's footsteps abit in terms of never believing in love again, like hey, I had it, but it just wasn't enough. And it hurt... now not so much, but thats because I've hardened up I guess.

But the guilt, not so easy to hide or let go, so self-compassion can be harder. Anyways, I'm hardened up to the point I reject every opportunity I have encountered which was meant to help me move on, mates were throwing women at me so I thought hey, ok, fine, might as well try... hilarious results lol - and feedback hearing from my mates "stop being a douche" - which is contrary to my humility isn't it? Heh

Everyone keeps saying I'm so young, heck everyone also keeps saying I'm babyfaced! I don't know whether to take that as a compliment cause I've always hated it! I even get asked for ID when I purchase smokes! LIKE WTF, MATE, I WAS MARRIED AND I HAVE A CHILD, ALMOST 30 AND YOU ASK ME... ME!!! FOR FKING ID?! Bah! lol

But thanks, I am picking myself up, but hope for the future, don't really have much of it. I have become rather celibate, and actually quite happy with single life now, and my hand. So ok, maybe I haven't become asexual just yet, but I prefer the hand to even FWB arrangements! Dreams still whacky though, some nights I dream of just holding someone in my arms, wake up and its my pillow. Then convince myself "FK IT, I WILL BE CELIBATE" haha


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

RD, you *are *very young. And your life is ahead of you. I know it's tough but you will come through this a stronger person.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Divorce has a way of making you feel your life is over though, funny isn't it? Heh thanks though


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> Divorce has a way of making you feel your life is over though, funny isn't it? Heh thanks though


In my case, I feel my life is just beginning. You will too. I promise.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Might be another year for that heh, though I might just get used to it and postpone future relationships indefinitely and focus on new goals and challenges. I'm still looking at radio towers for instance, fixated with them atm (erm... fixated on trying to climb them lol)

Mates who know what I been through would probably think I'm suicidal however!!! lol


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> Might be another year for that heh, though I might just get used to it and postpone future relationships indefinitely and focus on new goals and challenges. I'm still looking at radio towers for instance, fixated with them atm (erm... fixated on trying to climb them lol)
> 
> Mates who know what I been through would probably think I'm suicidal however!!! lol


Forget about relationships for awhile. Focus on you. Become completely comfortable with yourself.

Stay away from radio towers.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Really? Why? I'm bored doing nothing throughout the week except for work, and facing fears is a hobby of mine. Radio towers is one hell of a challenge, of course I would have a parachute just in case 

I'm not suicidal, I do have a daughter to live for! Its just something I feel like doing, and it's part of focusing on me  Besides it beats wasting my time on women as you said lol 

This is just freakin sweet! If only I can do it, hence I want to do it lol
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2A_h2AjJaMw


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Might be another year for that heh, though I might just get used to it and postpone future relationships indefinitely and focus on new goals and challenges


Life is funny RD. I wanted absolutely nothing to do with women after what my first wife did to me. So, I by a sports car and start hitting the clubs. Was having a great time. Meeting lots of women and having a blast.

6 months later I meet my current wife and fall in love almost instantly. 23 years later, sill in love. There's no way in hell someone could have convinced me that 6 months after D I would even think about a permanent relationship, yet it happened. I was thinking more along the lines of at least 5 years. Go figure...


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## Lemonade Man (Apr 8, 2013)

RD... It looks like you've been here a while. I've been lurking for a long time now and I like reading your post. I was scared shtless to start a thread or even post ANYTHING. I want to go back to my thread yesterday and delete it. I opened up a can of worms and I am not ready for what may come. I just wanted you to know I like to hear your words. Don't go away just yet


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Heh even if I meet someone worthwhile now I would probably still tell her to get fked over the slightest turn off - so to be honest I guess I'm just not really interested, just my balls keeps flirting while my brain keeps rejecting! And I doubt there can be love at first sight especially when one is hardened like me at present lol

But that's nice to hear I guess



Lemonade Man said:


> RD... It looks like you've been here a while. I've been lurking for a long time now and I like reading your post. I was scared shtless to start a thread or even post ANYTHING. I want to go back to my thread yesterday and delete it. I opened up a can of worms and I am not ready for what may come. I just wanted you to know I like to hear your words. Don't go away just yet


=O
I'm being watched! 

Haha j/k mate  Thanks, and you can always delete your posts but I found most of the time people don't really care anyways and when they do care it's a good thing... or so I thought =/
Lol


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Heh even if I meet someone worthwhile now I would probably still tell her to get fked over the slightest turn off - so to be honest I guess I'm just not really interested, just my balls keeps flirting while my brain keeps rejecting! And I doubt there can be love at first sight especially when one is hardened like me at present lol


Bro aint no such thing as "love at first sight." "Lust at first sight." Sure is. So thats normal if your "balls are in it" but your mind is not. 

Was only married for 2 years. So close to finally finalizing everything (a course from the ex-wife and a hammer smack away) that I dont have much to add to the discussion. Just a lot of empathy. 

You have been through the game of marriage and divorce. You know the rules now whether you like it or not. You have or are coming to accept that there is no longer an "us, we, our family" there is only "our children." 

As a follow late 20 something, there is plenty of time in our lives left for 3 or 4 more epic adventures.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

RD, you gave really good advice to the women who wanted to know when to tell her dates that she was a former escort. I, too, have noticed a more thoughtful, humble tone to your posts. Maybe it's because you are no longer complaining about the "wifey," a word that I hated. Stay here as long as you find value in the topics. We all can learn from each other's experiences.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Thanks guys, I'm feeling more confident now I guess, a bit, still an epic fail but nvm that... you guys are really encouraging, helps me see that maybe being an epic fail doesn't mean the end all I guess

What's wrong with the "wifey" though if I may ask? Like, hubby/wifey =/


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

"Wifey" is an insulting, demeaning term, like "the little woman," or "my better half."


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

How is it demeaning? I just don't understand :scratchhead: 
What's wrong with "better half" too? I always thought of it as a compliment.

Though at this point I reckon my STBX ain't my half at all but she sure as hell should at least try to put up a proper example for my daughter which I'm currently very disappointed in her with, bah!


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

It has the connotation of lesser than, childish, inferior, and frivolous.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I googled it
wifey - synonyms or related words for wifey - Macmillan Dictionary and Thesaurus
=/ Damn...

Well ok, how should I refer in a cute way my future second ex wife?


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> I googled it
> wifey - synonyms or related words for wifey - Macmillan Dictionary and Thesaurus
> =/ Damn...
> 
> Well ok, how should I refer in a cute way my future second ex wife?


I do like your sense of humor.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

It helps my sanity 

Sort of, I still feel like climbing a radio tower though... but it works for the most part


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> How is it demeaning? I just don't understand :scratchhead:
> What's wrong with "better half" too? I always thought of it as a compliment.


I don't see any of those as demeaning at all. :scratchhead:

I often say my hubby is my "better half"... he says the same about me. Neither of us considers any of those to be "lesser" or "childish" or "demeaning"... My dad calls my mom "wifey" all the time. And i can guarantee that man does NOT look down on her in any way. To each his (or her) own, I guess. Personally, I see nothing wrong with referring to a spouse in those words. Better than "baby mama" and "baby daddy" for sure! And yes, I have heard married couples refer to each other in that manner.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well I do refer to my STBX as "mummy" when my daughter is around. It's tradition I guess heh


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