# Newly separated and in a mess...



## turbulence (Sep 20, 2012)

Hello everyone, I'm a first time poster on here and I'm writing this because I'm a wreck at the moment and need advice.

I've been with my wife for 11 years and married for 6. Ten days ago she walked out of the family home with our little 3-year-old girl and went to stay at her parents'. She told me that she needed "space" to think as she didn't know if she wanted to be with me any more.

Obviously I completely freaked out and begged her to stay, cried, everything, but she still left. It was like the woman I knew had died and in her place was some stone-cold emotionless robot when she was telling me all this.

After 4 days she called me to tell me that she'd had time to think and her feelings toward me hadn't changed - again I begged, cajoled, gave her some very good reasons not to do this, if only for the sake of our little one. Nothing.

I have taken full responsibility for my part in things going awry - we both work full time and haven't really had a great time over the last few years, I have also been suffering (I think) from mild depression which has affected my sex drive and general motivation. As a result, I didn't give either her or our daughter the time that I should have, which I am desperately sorry for. We've also had financial stresses and behavioural issues with our daughter to deal with.

She had a very brief emotional fling with someone at work about 18 months ago, which I found out about and also discovered through a reliable third party that she was gutted about it and remorseful (before I found out).

Unfortunately her parents are against me and are making it very comfortable for her.

I miss them both desperately and just want them back, but at the same time I'm starting to have feelings of hate for her for putting her feelings before our marriage and daughter, refusing to go to counselling with me to try and get us back on track, and putting me through hell.

I've been given full access to our daughter and have her overnight 1-2 times a week, but the handovers are brief and "us" isn't discussed.

Since reading on here about 180, I've (as of 5 days ago) stopped begging or even talking about our relationship. I'm trying to work on myself and am getting help for my depression, trying to keep myself going.

At 41 I'm scared of (and hate) being alone, I'm trying to hold back from contacting her except about our daughter but it's so hard and I'm so afraid.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Lots of guys in their 30s and 40s suddenly find themselves wifeless, with limited access to their kids, and more often than not, we have to find somewhere else to live, usually a place not nearly as nice as the comfortable home we lived in before.

And we get through it. No matter how dark and deep the despair you're feeling at the moment. 

And we're no better than you are. Think of it as an opportunity for positive change, if nothing else.

Good that you're getting help for your depression. That could be the root of the problem.

Oh, and expect her to request support from you sometime soon even if she doesn't file divorce papers right away. Be careful what you agree to, this can set a legal precedent.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Your wife has had at least one inappropriate relationship that you know of and now she wants out 

I'd be willing to bet that she's either at it again or contemplating it

Protect yourself. Take your name off any joint credit cards and take Hal the money on any joint accounts and place it in an account with just your name on it

Talk to a lawyer to find out what your rights are
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Your wife is a selfish cheater. She betrayed your marriage. She's a walkaway wife.

Many of us have been where you are. Your case is not unique. The following list was compiled for exactly the type of pain you're going through. 

If you carefully follow it to the T and not backtrack, you're guaranteed to feel much stronger and happier than you feel today within just weeks. DON'T BACKTRACK.

*Synthetic's 10 Commandments*:

1. Read this link - *Just Let Them Go*

2. Follow the following rules: *The 180 degree rules*

3. Read this short book in the next 24 hours: No More Mr. Nice Guy

4. Separate all finances and stop supporting her 'single' lifestyle

5. Book a counseling appointment ASAP

6. Doesn't matter how you do it, but *sweat the pain of anxiety out*. Treadmills are your best friend. Use them. This is very important: You need to physically feel spent before you hit bed every night. 

7. Think a lot, read a lot, and cry as needed - This particular link should be open in your browser at all times and read multiple times: DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?

8. Find your social worth by socializing with as many people as possible (females work better). Spend time with friends, but don't just settle for your circle of friends. This is the best time to make new ones and feel attractive/attracted. You're not looking for sex or a relationship. You're looking for natural human attraction between you and others.

9. Do whatever it takes to go on a trip that involves a long flight, preferably to a country where English or your first language is not spoken

10. Start living an 'overly' fun life without feeling any guilt. This is the hardest task ahead. It's important to wash the guilt out of yourself once you have realized where it originates from via all the reading and counseling you've done.


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## turbulence (Sep 20, 2012)

Thankyou for the advice everyone. I will try and take it and make regular updates on how things are "going".


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## legiox (Sep 2, 2012)

Man I'm going through some of what you are going through right now (minus the child). I haven't talked to her in about 2 weeks. No e-mails, no calls, nothing. I was good last week, but man I'm starting to miss her some this week. I blocked her on facebook (including her friends), but I'm getting the nerve to unblock just to see how she is. However, i know that will be the biggest mistake and probably put me back to square one if i see her with a guy. So I'm trying to hold strong and my friends are there for me.

Like you, her parents think she is the greatest thing ever and is blinded by some of the crap she did and i had to put up with. You know what? F them though. Sorry had to say that...


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

legiox said:


> Man I'm going through some of what you are going through right now (minus the child). I haven't talked to her in about 2 weeks. No e-mails, no calls, nothing. I was good last week, but man I'm starting to miss her some this week. I blocked her on facebook (including her friends), but I'm getting the nerve to unblock just to see how she is. However, i know that will be the biggest mistake and probably put me back to square one if i see her with a guy. So I'm trying to hold strong and my friends are there for me.
> 
> Like you, her parents think she is the greatest thing ever and is blinded by some of the crap she did and i had to put up with. You know what? F them though. Sorry had to say that...


Follow the 10 commandments and don't unblock her. Missing her is very normal. It doesn't mean you should act on it.


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## legiox (Sep 2, 2012)

Yeah synthetic i will not. Thought has crossed my mind every now and then, but i refuse to actually go through it.

Good thing is, i went through AR-15 rifle training for the past 3 days dealing with my job. I got to release some frustration out on the targets and it felt good


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## turbulence (Sep 20, 2012)

Quick update.

She's filed for divorce despite me doing the 180, and of course was indeed cheating again, she's with someone else now.

F her, I will get through this somehow.


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## didntcitcoming (Oct 15, 2012)

synthetic said:


> Your wife is a selfish cheater. She betrayed your marriage. She's a walkaway wife.
> 
> Many of us have been where you are. Your case is not unique. The following list was compiled for exactly the type of pain you're going through.
> 
> ...




If you really want to get through this read the above post and follow it to a T. It is gospel for people in your situation. I know from first hand experience!!:iagree::iagree:


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

turbulence said:


> Quick update.
> 
> She's filed for divorce despite me doing the 180, and of course was indeed cheating again, she's with someone else now.
> 
> *F her, I will get through this somehow*.



I love you for this bro ! Great attitude ! 

Best way is GF in my opinion , go get your self an GF and you'll see !

Good luck and stay strong !


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

BigMac said:


> I love you for this bro ! Great attitude !
> 
> Best way is GF in my opinion , go get your self an GF and you'll see !
> 
> Good luck and stay strong !


How would using another person (said girlfriend) be the best option for recovery?


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

UpnOver said:


> How would using another person (said girlfriend) be the best option for recovery?



Fail in love again ! Also the other person will take all your attention and you'll quickly realize there are people out there that love you, appreciate you and respect you ! 
You may wonder - why did I waste me time with this [ beep ] spouse !

This is my opinion only !


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

BigMac said:


> Fail in love again ! Also the other person will take all your attention and you'll quickly realize there are people out there that love you, appreciate you and respect you !
> You may wonder - why did I waste me time with this [ beep ] spouse !
> 
> This is my opinion only !


You are entitled to your opinion.

I do not agree though.

What you are saying is that by placing your self worth in the hands of another, you will be 'okay'.

Until of course, the other person gets sick and tired of having to prop you up.

Coming to the realization that those around you do in fact love you and care about you is a great feeling.

It's an even better feeling when you can be yourself and don't need to seek it out.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

What about having fun then ? Just f#@k buddies ? Just to take your attention away , away of the pain ?

It is my opinion . Period . I don't ask anyone to do it , just saying what I think it is good !


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

BigMac said:


> What about having fun then ? Just f#@k buddies ? Just to take your attention away , away of the pain ?
> 
> It is my opinion . Period . I don't ask anyone to do it , just saying what I think it is good !


You can live your life however you please.

By all means.

Your signature alone shows that it will one day catch up to you.

Or you will never 'get' it.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

UpnOver said:


> You can live your life however you please.
> 
> By all means.
> 
> ...



I'm not really sure what do you want from me ! 

You don't like my opinions ? I'm sorry you don't like it !


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

I think he's saying your hearts in the right place, but waht you're suggesting isn't good for the long run. 

Strip bars maybe. I wouldn't suggest grabbing another girl just on a whim. To me? That sounds like a player. And / Or a crutcher. Meaning needing someone to temporarily replace what you lost, which is what he's directing against. This kind of "rebound relationship" is usually disastrous, at least for the OP. 

You... no.. WE should all be ok with OURSELVES first, THEN let the tides settle, THEN go find someone else. Go have fun, sure, me? No F. Buddies.. .tho sounds great and all, but I agree, not what someone needs. Although I bet it would help... at most for a short period. But back to square one in 2 days.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Dewayne76 said:


> I think he's saying your hearts in the right place, but waht you're suggesting isn't good for the long run.
> 
> Strip bars maybe. I wouldn't suggest grabbing another girl just on a whim. To me? That sounds like a player. And / Or a crutcher. Meaning needing someone to temporarily replace what you lost, which is what he's directing against. This kind of "rebound relationship" is usually disastrous, at least for the OP.
> 
> You... no.. WE should all be ok with OURSELVES first, THEN let the tides settle, THEN go find someone else. Go have fun, sure, me? No F. Buddies.. .tho sounds great and all, but I agree, not what someone needs. Although I bet it would help... at most for a short period. But back to square one in 2 days.


^This. As great as it seems at the time, you'll find out how not ok you are in no time.

Gotta get yourself right first.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

spun said:


> ^This. As great as it seems at the time, you'll find out how not ok you are in no time.
> 
> Gotta get yourself right first.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Right with what ? What should I know/get for my self first ?


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

BigMac said:


> Right with what ? What should I know/get for my self first ?


The ability to feel perfectly happy and whole all by yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

BigMac.

I'm going to quote your signature.



> The person that you trust is the one that hurts you the most and the one that you hurt is the one that you need the most.


Can you see what's wrong with it?

The train of thought that it's leading to?


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

OK, the signature is removed ... also it was there because I can across and like what was said , that is all , nothing was behind it !

@spun 

Why should I be happy to be alone ? I don't wanna be alone !


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

BigMac said:


> OK, the signature is removed ... also it was there because I can across and like what was said , that is all , nothing was behind it !
> 
> @spun
> 
> Why should I be happy to be alone ? I don't wanna be alone !


You're skating on the surface of everything and refusing to look in the reflection at your feet.

You liked what it said, which means there was something behind it.

Spun can answer his part


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

BigMac said:


> OK, the signature is removed ... also it was there because I can across and like what was said , that is all , nothing was behind it !
> 
> @spun
> 
> Why should I be happy to be alone ? I don't wanna be alone !


Because If you don't love yourself you'll never be able to truly love someone else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

spun said:


> Because If you don't love yourself you'll never be able to truly love someone else.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Here is what it messes me, why do I want her back ? Because I love her ... why else ?


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

BigMac said:


> Here is what it messes me, why do I want her back ? Because I love her ... why else ?


You want her back because without her you feel pathetic.

Like you will never find someone again.

How could you, she left you.

Cheated on you.

Man oh man, you really fvcked this one up didn't you?

Why else would she have left you.

So you're best bet is to change yourself to please her so you will never be left alone again.

Right?


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

BigMac said:


> Here is what it messes me, why do I want her back ? Because I love her ... why else ?


Because you have tied you sense of self to her.

If you loved yourself and had a strong sense of self, you wouldn't want someone back who treated you like this.

She is showing who she is. Believe her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

She swore on her moms grave , she didn't cheat . She say she gave me the speech when she though she fail for the posOM . And since she is a bad liar I can believe her ... or maybe this is what I wanna believe ? Umm

Is not like " never found someone again" I got 3 gals already and will get more , but I want her ... and that's the mess


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Bigmac, lemme tell you something, ok?

My wife. Her mother died when she was only 5/6. Ok. ALWAYS whenever she got upset or had to "Think" she went to her mom's grave. Kept pictures of her everywhere. LOVED her mom for what she was told she was. 

My wife, swore on her mother's grave, when we started the venture with this Haunted House that we were OK... swore that if we weren't ever ok we'd work on it, always. She SWORE on her mother's grave that all she wanted and needed was me. 

Swearing on one's grave means nothing when they're clouded. They'd HAVE to be clouded, right? What would be one thing you'd swear on and KNOW that you'd never go back on it? Now imagine yourself in the same situation, going BACK on that swear. YOu'd HAVE to be almost out of your mind to do so, right? 

SHe's not the same, not right now. Swearing means nothing. Not right now.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

Yes, I understand what you're saying ... she never lied before ... who knows


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

My stbxw swore on our children's lives that she was not having an affair.

I found the hotel receipts the very next day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

BigMac said:


> .. she never lied before ...


Neither did mine, until she did.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

Look, as I said I believe this is happening :

She - not happy , start looking around , get involved with someone emotionally , then the speech .

I could be wrong but this is what I thin truly happened


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Same Here DeWayne. Hang in there Newly it gets worse before it gets better. You must accept shes gone. Instill the 180 and move on. She is not your friend anymore. The more you beg...
the more pain she will inflict. You must detach. My wife walked away over a month ago. Luckily for me she left the kids.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

Bigmac, It is later in my life (50) and I have been married a couple times. Here is a saying I use sometimes:' Even a drowning man will grab the edge of a sword.' Meaning, many woman will promise anything when caught in a bind just to get you to believe them.

My current stbxw told me when we first started dating that she was a 'zygote' (meaning 1 egg, 1 sperm= absolutely committed in relationship).

That she had finally met her 'soulmate'...blah, blah, blah.

Come to find out later (after she cheated on me) in counseling she has cheated on every man she has ever been with. She told the counselor she didn't want to be like that anymore. Well, then she cheated on me again. 

Cheated on one of her ex's with his cousin. Then ended up cheating with his best friend from childhood. Ended up marrying him and ruined two entire families and extended families. Then she cheated at least 4 times on the new H. 

When she left him she ended up with me.. of course these were skeletons I didn't know anything about... once I was 'all in' she started slowing saying, "I probably should tell you this...". 

When the cheating started it was like getting hit with a titlewave. I love the hell out of my wife, but she is not the person who she portrayed. A few months before she walked out on me we talked and I told her, "You are nothing like what you portray to anyone, me, society as a whole, your family, friends. You are plastic." Her reply, "I know." I foundly refer to her as a barbed wire tornado.. she shreds men and enjoys it. Plus she make awesome money, so she doesn't need a mans. 

Watch yourself brother.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

spun said:


> My stbxw swore on our children's lives that she was not having an affair.
> 
> I found the hotel receipts the very next day.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Cheater's playbook, chapter 7, page 2


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

> My current stbxw told me when we first started dating that she was a 'zygote' (meaning 1 egg, 1 sperm= absolutely committed in relationship).
> 
> That she had finally met her 'soulmate'...blah, blah, blah.


My did it too - love of her live , perfect for me and all the BS ... now with an recovering drug-attic !

But yours cheated everyone holly molly ... I hope you can get rid of her asap.
And don't worry , the Karma will bite her one day for screwing all this man around .
She could be sex-attic this is why she is doing it .


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## turbulence (Sep 20, 2012)

I thought it was time for a quick update and to return to my thread after well over a year!

- Divorce gone through
- Still on speaking terms and sharing responsibility for our little one

It's true, it does get easier. I've met someone else, 10 years younger (lol), very different to my ex, sometimes annoys the heck out of me but at least is plain speaking and honest. We don't live together yet. I don't wish for my ex back at all now but I do wish for the family life back and I feel sorry for the child that she is from a broken home and won't grow up with her two parents together.

I guess what I'm trying to say (for those going through the same thing) is that there is some light at the end of the tunnel if you can just keep going.

Good luck to everyone.


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## Kevinb (Jan 8, 2012)

I hope so too Buddy


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## Rev. Clonn (Nov 11, 2013)

Awesome update,
Thanks fro showing there is light at the end of the tunnel and it's not an oncoming train.

I will pray for you and yours.


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