# rough sex



## 3091181 (Oct 19, 2011)

Hello,

I need your help. My wife recently told me she loves rough sex, it seriously turns her on like nothing else, but she doesn't want to do it with me because she says I'm her husband and she won't see me the same way again. Says it's the Madonna/***** complex and that if we did it she wouldn't be able to be with me again. She says she couldn't be in a relationship with someone who is into that but she's done it in the past and really got off. She also says with me it would be a turn off because I'm not into it naturally and doing that for her without wanting it would be a turn off. I really want to give her what she wants but I'm afraid to proceed for fear of losing her. Honestly I'm curious about and want to try it but again, don't want to lose her.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I would have already bent her over the kitchen table and pinned her ar...

uhh...someone will be along to help you out in a few.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

tacoma said:


> I would have already bent her over the kitchen table and pinned her ar...
> 
> uhh...someone will be along to help you out in a few.


^ :rofl:


I'm curious about her mindset with this. I like a bit of "lightly-rough" play. I completely trust H and knowing I'm safe is what makes this type of play appealing and possible for me. So is it that she gets a thrill from the unexpected of not knowing what's going to happen in how she's treated? 

Would there be a level of this that you'd be into? I wonder how she'd respond if you blindfolded her, for the unexpected. You'd need to be in control. She wants a dom.

Maybe she can learn to appreciate there's a way to enjoy both a loving relationship and different modes of sexual interaction. I feel like I often suggest blindfolds in this forum. My H and I haven't played with blindfolds in years and even then, it's only been a handful of times. For some reason it's my default lousy advice: get a blindfold. I'm sorry.

I'm with tacoma ...someone will happen out in a few.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

wifeofhusband said:


> A blindfold would be great, I think. It gives the sense of being dominated while at the same time not being rough. It can be very sensual.


oops and thanks - I redid my post so it quoted tacoma and didn't look like I was laughing at your input.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Just throw her down and do it. 

My husband and I are into rough sex. I love it. Choking, scratching, slamming, pulling, slapping (asses not faces), biting (I have drawn blood. Oops.) It's fun but you'll just have to bust out and take her.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Listen to that_girl.
Just give it to her. My wife likes it a little rough once in a while and she tells me to f*** her hard, HARDER!


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

DanF said:


> Listen to that_girl.
> Just give it to her. My wife likes it a little rough once in a while and she tells me to f*** her hard, HARDER!


and sometimes it's good to be told you're going to be f***ed hard, without having an option.


Bat-disclaimer: of course in a loving relationship there's always an option, even if you're role-playing that there's not. Be aware of each others cues and have a safe word if needed.


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## Dax (Jun 11, 2011)

Sometimes I like to do her doggystyle really fast and hard while pulling her hair. I only do it when I'm punishing her though. She gets turned on by it and orgasms quickly. Most girls are into being dominated like that.


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## 3091181 (Oct 19, 2011)

See that's the thing I do want to do it. She says she likes deep throat, being spanked, hair pulling, choking, what have you, and she's scratched the **** out of me during sex because I guess I was hitting it pretty hard but I've tried putting my hand on her throat during normal sex, holding her down, and other stuff but she pulls away or doesn't respond in a good way. Then again I haven't really gone for it so to speak. In my head no means no because that's how I was raised but if she's telling me she wants to be taken I feel like throwing caution to the wind and just grabbing ahold of her and doing it.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

3091181 said:


> In my head no means no because that's how I was raised but if she's telling me she wants to be taken I feel like throwing caution to the wind and just grabbing ahold of her and doing it.


Either agree to a safety word beforehand (preferable), OR when you're in the act and before you take it to the next level, tell her you're about to have your way with her and she can say "Batmobile" or something (haha, that's random I just made it up then) if things need to stop but otherwise you plan on doing with her what you what. Then get her to nod or say yes to agree.

I'd still say no means no. 

If I play-fight with H and say "No, don't do that!" I always whisper afterwards "Yes, do that" and we both giggle. We had a safety word once or twice but really, we don't get that full-on with our rough play so it's not really needed for us.


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## 3091181 (Oct 19, 2011)

I'm going to take your advice and start off with suggesting a blindfold and see where that goes. She's made it very clear she isn't into S&M as she finds the whole whip/leather thing kitschy(as do I). I'm fairly familiar with the human psyche and I know that people will do one of two things to get what they want, either suppress it which leads to problems or go out and get it. If she can't get it from me, well I don't even want to think about the alternative.


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## 3091181 (Oct 19, 2011)

wifeofhusband said:


> I'd maybe proceed with caution over the 'couldn't be with you again after' stuff. Why does she feel that way?


Yeah I don't know. That's the part that stops me right in my tracks. I spoke to a chick I'm close to about it and she told me she thinks my wife is asking permission to either do it with someone else (which I am NOT ok with) or she's throwing it in my face.... 

I probably should have added a little back story to begin with. This all started from her mentioning that she was upset I watched porn without her because she enjoys it too and watched it independent of me. When I asked her what she watched she didn't want to tell me because it was just a "fantasy" and not something she actually wanted. Of course this piqued my interest so I asked what she meant and she didn't want to tell me. Eventually after me insisting on knowing she told me the rest.


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## Zzyzx (Aug 24, 2011)

You'll have to be the one giving it to her. Letting someone else do it is simply not an option. Not. An. Option. You are her husband, end of that discussion.

That said, the psychology around rough sex is the trickiest part if you have no previous experience doing it that way. She sounds like she wants to be dominated, she just won't come right out and say it, she may be challenging you as the previous poster says. But that doesn't necessarily mean dominate with pain or bondage, just means you are confident and firmly in charge. The envelope needs to be pushed open a bit at a time, will need to exercise patience and keep in mind some things will work, others won't. Just have a fallback if she genuinely doesn't like something.

So the blindfold with gentle loving sounds like a good start. Perhaps once you get that going, you might pin her hands on the bed to either side of her head. If she's liking that, not resisting, then you can try pounding her silly from there. In other words, escalate a little at a time, not all at once. You'll have to read her carefully. Are her no's really no? Or does she want you to confidently push through those no's? Another aspect of dominance, it can be all verbal stuff, talking dirty, but doing it without getting very rough at all.

I know where most of my boundaries are, but as a former nice guy, it took me time (and a few different gf's) to get there and find them. So I totally get that about the "she's such a gentle snowflake I could never harm her" mindset. Found out that an early girlfriend liked having her ass spanked hard, well I had to step up and overcome my total reluctance to strike a woman in any manner in order to do that much. When I first started doing it as hard as she liked it, it felt wrong, but I managed to get past that. But even now while I enjoy giving a woman that experience, it's not something I'll do right off the bat, for me it has to be built up to in order to overcome my inhibition about striking other people. So patience is key as you will be working on yourself on adjusting your levels of confidence, comfort and restraint as much as you are working on finding out what and what doesn't turn her on. Good luck!!!


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

I agree with wifeofhusband.

Your wife is sending you messages. She wants it but she is being a little coy about it.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I think what your wife wants is what's called a ravishing fantasy (I dont say rape fantasy because rape is not consensual) Having a loved one "take her" in such a manner ruins the fantasy as it's obvious that there is no danger involved. 

I recommend that you simulate the fantasy to the best of your ability.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

wifeofhusband said:


> I'd maybe proceed with caution over the 'couldn't be with you again after' stuff. Why does she feel that way?


When she says this, it is probably a good idea to find out what is behind the statement before proceeding. I won't go much further than saying that I had a close call with a girl in college who asked for something very similar when we got to her apartment. She had mentioned that she had been involved with a date rape before, and seemed to be trying to push me into that type of scenario, over-the-top nudity and daring, while pushing away in the same breath. I left her apartment, but got the strong impression that I'd never see her again in that way, regardless of whether or not I did what she was asking me to do. Too confusing to me, so I got one of the date rate hotline cards, and gave her one the next time I saw her.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

She isn't seeing you as her rough sex partner because you haven't been that in the past. She has always had this desire but was afraid to tell you either because she doesn't want you to think of her that way or because she is afraid you won't fulfill her desires.
It's pretty easy to solve this. Wrist restraints with her arms pinned above her head, blindfold and hard rock tunes of your choice. Tell her she isn't allowed to say no but a safe word is in order. Pull her hair, spank her, say nasty things to her, you name it.
Big difference between love making and rough sex. At this moment, she wants the later.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

WayTooAverage said:


> That's messed up.


Not really .


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Not really .


it's actually a lot more common than most people think

my wife enjoys ravishing porn when we watch together, I'm not one to get too rough but will certainly spank or hold her down and pound her uh....ya know...on occasion


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Almostrecovered said:


> it's actually a lot more common than most people think
> 
> my wife enjoys ravishing porn when we watch together, I'm not one to get too rough but will certainly spank or hold her down and pound her uh....ya know...on occasion


Yup. We aren't talking Furby sex here, we are talking rough sex/domination fantasies. Pretty common for women to have these.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

WayTooAverage said:


> That's messed up.


Not really. Not at all. Not sure what you are envisioning when you think about it, but the focus is on hot, passionate love, and not hurting. Our sex life should be just as intricate as our needs, and as complex as our personalities. If you begin to really understand the needs of your partner, those code words will eventually be no longer needed. I know my wife well enough to know that I should never touch her neck, but she can think of more uses for my strong shoulders than just remodeling our house. 

Apparently, our son walked in on us one night, because he told my wife's friend that he caught us wrestling in the shower room, just like the wrestlers on TV, but he was sure that I was winning. We have shower doors that are not completely see through, so he only saw outlines, but he knew that if her legs were nowhere close to the floor, then she had to be losing.

I just wonder if he ever noticed that we had to keep extra shower heads, knobs and bars in the closet, due to our "wrestling" matches.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

3091181,

I don't know your wife's mindset or context in which she has said these things to you since I wasn't there to hear the tone in her voice or see her body language as well as her words, but I make a suggestion to you.

You need to read up on being a dominate and her being a submissive and the scenes and play that goes along with it. It can be the most honest thing you've ever encountered if your both willing to discuss your fantasies, desires and needs.

I suggest you read some books, like Living M/s, Screw the Roses Bring on the Thorns, Consensual Sadomasochism and others. There are even social network sites where you can learn from people that are into it. 

I also suggest going onto marriedmensexlife.com, a blog written by Atholk, which has some very interesting material on it. Not related to BDSM, but being an Alpha male when the time is needed.

As she said she wants this to happen, she just doesn't view you as the man who can give it to her. So read, learn and man-up and become the man she views it as happening with.

But then, just my two cents. Do with it what you will.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Yup. We aren't talking Furby sex here


from urban dictionary



> A Furby is a sexual position in which a woman sits on a mans face with her anus over the mans nose. If the woman has hair around her anus, it is considered a Furby.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Almostrecovered said:


> from urban dictionary


Incorrect. It is a fairly underground group of people who likes to dress up in costumes that resemble stuffed animals and then go at it.
My point was, rough sex isn't "weird".


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> from urban dictionary


:rofl::rofl:


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Incorrect. It is a fairly underground group of people who likes to dress up in costumes that resemble stuffed animals and then go at it.
> My point was, rough sex isn't "weird".


Both could be correct. You just meant it as the costumes, which is how I read it.

The other is just.....:rofl: Ima ask my husband if he wants a Furby...:rofl:


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

that_girl said:


> Both could be correct. You just meant it as the costumes, which is how I read it.
> 
> The other is just.....:rofl: Ima ask my husband if he wants a Furby...:rofl:


Thank God Urban Dictionary doesn't show pictures.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Angel5112 said:


> Oh god...I'm *never* going to get that visual out of my head! :rofl:


:iagree::rofl:


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Incorrect. It is a fairly underground group of people who likes to dress up in costumes that resemble stuffed animals and then go at it.
> My point was, rough sex isn't "weird".



That's fur*r*y sex


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Almostrecovered said:


> That's fur*r*y sex


Yeah, same concept. Just steer away from Elmo.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

So...this doesn't turn you on?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

talk about thread drift....


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

lol Animals can be pretty rough with sex. lollll

I haven't seen the OP back in this thread...I think the answers we gave we good.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Okay, back to the thread topic.
From the OP:


> She also says with me it would be a turn off because I'm not into it naturally and doing that for her without wanting it would be a turn off.


Please don't underestimate how important this is. I have had several relationships end because of this. You CANNOT fake it or do it just because she wants you to - even if she buys it for a while, it can easily end the marriage for both of you. Do NOT go down this road. 

Do it ONLY if you "feel" it and are into it. 

She has told you she isn't into M/S so it's up to you to learn about what else is out there. Start with the big ones:

Google and read up on "D/s" (Dominance/submission), "Taken In Hand", "Domestic Discipline." These are non M/S forms of power exchange dynamics that appeal to women who ask for it in the way your wife is asking for it.

The worst thing for your wife is to have the above with a man who doesn't want it even more than she does. Since she thinks you don't want it, she doesn't want it from you and that won't change unless you actually do want it and can convince her of it. How you do that is up to you but do not underestimate how important it is to her that YOU want this even more than SHE does. 

Do not rule out the strong possibility that she doesn't want ANY of the above, she just wants you to want it and tell her about it - that her desire for it is for the talk. Especially painful stuff could easily be a case of "tell me how desperately you want to spank me but if you do it and it hurts, I'm going to burst out laughing and try to stop you, but then hope you'll tell me about it again tomorrow." Seriously.

Your best move with a submissive wife is to give her what she wants from a position of a) wanting it more than she does and b) prefacing everything with talking about it a lot to see if it's just the talk or the act that she wants. And if it's just the talk, she should be able to get off just from listening to you alone. (Her telling you she's not into MS may be her way of telling you not to actually do any of this stuff to her.)

Good luck - most submissive wives marry non-dominant men and spend most of their lives passive aggressively hoping their husbands will change, meanwhile their husbands have absolutely no idea.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

that_girl said:


> lol Animals can be pretty rough with sex. lollll
> 
> I haven't seen the OP back in this thread...I think the answers we gave we good.


Yup, that pic looks pretty rough. Wylie Coyote givin' it to Foghorn Leghorn.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Yup. We aren't talking Furby sex here, we are talking rough sex/domination fantasies. Pretty common for women to have these.


May the Yiff be with you!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

OP - you have to very specific with these kinds of things. Kinks are extremely specific. You have to spell out EXACTLY what rough sex is. Precisely.


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## 3091181 (Oct 19, 2011)

I talked with her about it at length and she has made it very very clear that she wont see me as her husband anymore if I try that with her. She said she would lose respect for me. Although she did say one thing she wants to try is when I go down on her and she orgasms not to stop even if she pulls away or tries squirming. She said I'll need to hold her down..... Maybe I can slowly push the envelope from there. I can understand not wanting to go from love making, regardless of how vigorous, to freakier stuff just like that.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

> I talked with her about it at length and she has made it very very clear that she wont see me as her husband anymore if I try that with her. She said she would lose respect for me.


This is bizarre behavior on her part. She needs counseling. See about a sex counselor, rather than a regular counselor, to figure out what the heck she expects of you. Good luck my friend. She is putting you in an impossible situation.

(I still suspect this is her weird way of telling you she wants you to talk about it without doing it.)


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## 3091181 (Oct 19, 2011)

Well I appreciate everyone's input. Not really sure what to do about it, maybe it'll reveal itself in time. I just wish the hot one's weren't always so damned crazy.


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