# I can't stop crying



## sadlyme (Nov 3, 2017)

I thought I should give writing my feelings down as a way of sharing my feelings. I thought I was married to the most loving and perfect man in the world and all that changed when I started school. We agreed that I would go back and get an advanced degree so better secure our future. While I am older than many classmates, I excelled in my courses and was proud that I achieved such great grades compared to my classmates. My grades were due to me spending many nights, sometimes until the University library closed in the am. As time went on, people who took previous classes with me asked if they could join me when I studied, of course I said yes. Most times it was 2 girls and on occasion there were 2 young boys who joined also. 

One showed up once and the other maybe 3 times. All of us though taking a few classes would contact each other about schoolwork and sometimes they would call me about personal issues as I was their mothers age. One young man called me a few times and I him because he had not told his mother about his relationship and as I am his mothers age and having the same cultural background, he felt most comfortable. My husband went through my phone and saw that this boy was communicating with me on and off during one semester. This was his last class before getting into a program and he needed to pass the class with good grades and the interview. Long story short, my husband say this as me hiding a relationship and accused me of cheating. He even went as far to call the guy and ask him, to my horror and dismay. I was horrified that my husband would think that I would cheat much less with somebody who was young enough to be my child. My husband then went though my emails and told me to send him all my credit card transactions to see if I have been spending money on anybody other than myself. 

I explained that I never said this guy was studying with me and the other two girls because he was not a primary person in my group. He might show up and if he does it is for a period of time, he leaves and then the two girls and myself continue. I have had to endure almost a year of him telling me that I have been cheating and that my behavior has changed since I started back to school. It has gotten so bad that I often end up angry and resentful that I am continually asked the same question and been called a liar. After almost a year he asks me the same question but I answer what I remember, I cannot be specific because I cannot remember details and then he accuses me of lying. I would NEVER cheat as I am a married woman and everybody who knows me knows this to be true. I am not saying that I am a perfect wife but I strive to do things that would make my husband happy and have a loving household. I was verbally assaulted so much so that I went to get divorce papers, he said he would work on things. I was wrong to say it, but I said I don't think you can be nice for more than a few days. He said that because I said that I already have it in my mind that it will not work. That is not true, I just know of a year of this that he is nice for 2-3 days and then starts all over again (it lasted 3 days). What also is so bad that he follows this guy on social media, he knows everything about him, far more than I do or care to. 

So now I am being accused of cheating, Lying and going to this persons home or work while my husband is at work or at home. He now said that he wants to sit down with all my study partners, the 2 girls and guys (who only showed up 3x during a semester) so he can ask them what was going on and see their reaction. I am NOT going to subject myself to that type of humiliation with people half my age. (don't get me wrong, I did consider it, if it would save my marriage, but came to my senses and knew that it would change nothing about he thoughts or treatment towards me and I how would I feel about them knowing something so foolish is causing my divorce.) During this time he also called every second of the day, it was driving me nuts! I would be in class and the phone went off, so I had to put it on silent. That made him now think that I am ignoring him if I do not pick up in class or if I am in the lab, I do not get reception until I leave the area. What makes me sick is that I am treated this way. I am an excellent wife and a great mother. I raised one son who is successful by myself and now we have a small child who I will be raising by myself now. 

My husband even went as far as to text my friend and tell her that she will know the true me, that I am a cheater. (she showed me his texts). I thank God that I have wonderful friends who trust and respect me and know that I value my marriage. Yes, we did go to counseling and as long as he went 2x weekly it would be great. I also went with him and without him, and was essentially told later on, that I should cut my ties and find somebody who is more suited for me and that I should never settle. OMG....I know my husband does not have education or worldly experience but you think I settled? When I told my friend (the one he text) she said yes and my family felt that "he is not on my level" (their words not mine). I knew he did not experience as much as me, but always felt that education does not make success in a marriage and if a person is willing, life experiences can be shared. He moved out, I do not have a job to support myself and our infant child and I am in school. I thought about quitting school and look for a job, but I am being encouraged to stay in school. I have to do what I right for my child and probably will discontinue school because I have to provide for her, he will assist in childcare but I have bills.......

I read a book a few minutes ago on this forum from a member who wrote "why does he do that" which helped me to see that he was abusive mentally to me. When he became angry he would take all the money out of the account leaving me with barely nothing. 

It's amazing how just writing my thoughts down now gives me peace....for now. I cry because I thought he loved me and wanted me to succeed for us. I saw it as for us, he saw it as, once I get my degree I will leave him, (funny thing is, I already have a degree). I am hurt, I cry a lot, I can't sleep, I drink too much so I can sleep, I am unsure about my future, and I am tired of smiling when I am sad. I do not want a divorce but must. 

My therapist tells me that somebody will be honored and grateful to have me, I know this, but it doesn't stop the pain. I can't stop crying. I feel like he is trying to control me by leaving and forcing me to cancel my dreams of a better career path. I feel like I am mentally assaulted. I feel like I am degraded. I feel sad,...............I can't stop crying.............................Better days will come though my darkness but I can't stop crying..............................


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

From the sounds of it, you going back to school has made your husband feel insecure. You staying at the library for hours to study only pushed him further into his insecurity.

That said, I don't see how you can stay married to him. His behavior and jealousy is too much.

Is there any way that you can get some kind of financial support while you finish your education? How much more time will it take?


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## sadlyme (Nov 3, 2017)

He offered to help with child support but it will not do much to pay for the bills. It will take 2 years for me to finish as my first choice (an accelerated program would have been 1 yr) I was not accepted (even with my grades lol). It almost feels like I sacrificed for nothing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Are you saying that you were not accepted into the education program you wanted to get into?

Do you already have a degree? Can you get a good job with the education/background that you have right now?

Would you mind sharing what country you live in?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

If he can lose his trust in you so easily, perhaps he never loved you the way you thought he did.


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## sadlyme (Nov 3, 2017)

That is correct, I did not get into the school of choice which would of 1/2ed my time. I could get a job but the prospects of me getting a upper management job to support my child and myself would be limited without a MBA. I live in the USA


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## sadlyme (Nov 3, 2017)

He clearly did not love me as where there is love, there is trust. But it still does not stop the pain of knowing that the person I married is not who I thought and my marriage has ended (over foolishness).


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sadlyme said:


> He clearly did not love me as where there is love, there is trust.


I'm not sure that I agree that where there is love there is trust. You can love someone, and they are a cheater. So you can love them but not trust them due to their own actions.

What I see is that your husband is insecure and thus does not trust you based on his own insecurities. He's not able to love you fully because he's too wrapped up in his own problems. He's not an emotionally healthy person.



sadlyme said:


> But it still does not stop the pain of knowing that the person I married is not who I thought and my marriage has ended (over foolishness).


Yes, it's hard to come to terms with realizing that you married someone who you cannot have a good marriage with. A lot of us here have had this happen. The pain fades with time. One thing that helps is for you to interact with him according to the 180 (see the link in my signature block below.) Doing that helps you to emotionally separate and build your own emotional strength.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

sadlyme said:


> He clearly did not love me as where there is love, there is trust. But it still does not stop the pain of knowing that the person I married is not who I thought and my marriage has ended (over foolishness).


I disagree. He trusted you until he found messages to a young man on your phone that you were having intimate conversations with. Had you been more sensitive to his fears and done whatever it took to make him comfortable, I think things might be different. ( it DOES sound like you went to counseling and tried to be open, so I could be wrong here)

Yes, with your education and obvious lack of quality time and distance you're putting between yourself and your husband, he UNDOUBTEDLY feels insecure in the relationship. And from what I've read, YOU are the one that caused this. 

I think there is likely another side to this story. You have no business having intimate conversations about relationships with this kid. It's inappropriate. JMO

Is his jealousy and insecurity exaggerated? Yes.
Is some insecurity and jealousy justified? YES.

Does it sound like he has problems? YES Does everyone? YEP
Could you find someone with less problems? MAYBE.... But you married this one....


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Do you husband a favor. Go to SurvivingInfidelity.com and read the "just found out" board. Start with the beginning of every thread and read the first post. Read just the first two pages. 

He may be wrong, but it's not that far fetched. 

Tell the truth did you have conversations that were not involving school work? I would not be thrilled if my wife had ongoing texts with a young man. Sorry I am sure she would feel the same if it was me and some 30 year old women. It's not appropriate. 

His reaction to it is not appropriate as well. Maybe marriage counseling.


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