# Happy to Marriage crisis in 2 weeks



## grux22

To start off we have been married 5 years together for 8 years, we have two kids 3&4 and have been happily married. We never fight and put all of our effort into raising our kids... unfortunately we have kind of disconnected somewhat during all of this. We both work opposite shifts so one of us is always home to take care of kids and we have the weekends off to enjoy the family. Well as of 4 months ago my Wife met her Soulmate with out doing anything. She told me from day one that she has a special connection with him as if it were her twin soul.... i Was worried from day one but she assured me that they were just friends and that what we had would never be over come by them. I asked her not to see him and she agreed but came to agree that they were ok to text and email each other about the club we were in where they met. I frequently checked in with her on him and she told me the truth in everything going on... this guy also married.. his wife dint find it too fond of my wife and him talking PERIOD.. SO they continued to talk and talk in secret behind both of our backs... then finally I caught the two of them out at a bar one night... i was Devastated. its is a full on EMOTIONAL AFFAIR .. She had indeed lied to me many times about what was going on but assured me everything was ok. finally that night she admitted to me that she was in love with him and actually has thoughts of leaving me for him... I Did not handle this so well and pushed and pushed with questions and begging to figure out what is going on. This indeed pushed her away and she did admit how embarrassed she is and guilty for lying. she then tries to turn the tables on me with the little stuff i have done in our relationship that has broken her trust and respect,

I have crossed the line in the bedroom recently and she completely repelled by me with what i have done in the bed room. she then proceeds to tell me that she was sexually abused as a kid and that the guy who did it told her the same thing over and over and over. " Come on you know you like it" . I had no clue about this and took it as her being shy and embarrassed... but now i feel like a piece of **** cause she did tell me no but i didn't listen... she is really confused alone rite now cause of her affair but she is 0 interested in any sex with me ever again.... 

.... so now we are and worlds ends from each other. She told me out rite that this guy is indeed her soulmate and believes they are meant to be with each other. She knows the path of destruction that will happen if she does go this route... the kids are at risk. She says even if she doesn't end up With this guy whom in her eye is "perfect" she now sees that our marriage has become planned and predictable and that we have become not as connected as them... her heart inst with me right now and she thinks that we have grown different. She does tell me she loves me and she can live 30 years happy with me however she does not think that is the best thing for HER.She wants to do whats best for her. She knows that if she stays with me that she will still have feelings for this guy no matter what and that would not make her the happiest she can be. 

We have agreed to go to Marriage counseling and have gone once together then one single session for me and She goes this Friday. 
She thinks its useless cause she wants whats best for her. I keep over perusing her and keep asking what she wants and what i don't give her etc. and she can not answer any of these. She has Asked for space and not to bother her and even considered moving into her moms house. there was a point where she gave her rings back to me to when i convinced her that we need counseling. 

So where we stand now - She Doesn't want to talk to me about whats going on, she needs space however we live together.. She has been my shoulder to lean on for 8 years and its hard to go from many texts and "love you" to nothing no hugs no kisses no ANYTHING. I feel ignored and she is not interested in me PERIOD.
I Don't know what to do at this point... should i be hoping and praying that marriage counseling will help? How can i not panic about her not being there? She refuses not to talk to this guy and does it in front of me even against our counselor advice . IS there anything i can do in the next few weeks to kind of regain her trust in therapy and trust in me... Has any one else had anything like this happen.... I know I'm not her SOULMATE but I'm still the love of her life as she put it... she says she cant have both.. I cant beg i can press i cant do much..Will we be able to over come trust issues?.. HELP please 

Thanks for reading and you input-


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## MarriedDude

grux22 said:


> To start off we have been married 5 years together for 8 years, we have two kids 3&4 and have been happily married. We never fight and put all of our effort into raising our kids... unfortunately we have kind of disconnected somewhat during all of this. We both work opposite shifts so one of us is always home to take care of kids and we have the weekends off to enjoy the family. Well as of 4 months ago my Wife met her Soulmate with out doing anything. She told me from day one that she has a special connection with him as if it were her twin soul.... i Was worried from day one but she assured me that they were just friends and that what we had would never be over come by them. I asked her not to see him and she agreed but came to agree that they were ok to text and email each other about the club we were in where they met. I frequently checked in with her on him and she told me the truth in everything going on... this guy also married.. his wife dint find it too fond of my wife and him talking PERIOD.. SO they continued to talk and talk in secret behind both of our backs... then finally I caught the two of them out at a bar one night... i was Devastated. its is a full on EMOTIONAL AFFAIR .. She had indeed lied to me many times about what was going on but assured me everything was ok. finally that night she admitted to me that she was in love with him and actually has thoughts of leaving me for him... I Did not handle this so well and pushed and pushed with questions and begging to figure out what is going on. This indeed pushed her away and she did admit how embarrassed she is and guilty for lying. she then tries to turn the tables on me with the little stuff i have done in our relationship that has broken her trust and respect.... so now we are and worlds ends from each other. She told me out rite that this guy is indeed her soulmate and believes they are meant to be with each other. She knows the path of destruction that will happen if she does go this route... the kids are at risk. *She says even if she doesn't end up With this guy whom in her eye is "perfect" she now sees that our marriage has become planned and predictable and that we have become not as connected as them... her heart inst with me right now and she thinks that we have grown different.* She does tell me she loves me and she can live 30 years happy with me however she does not think that is the best thing for HER.She wants to do whats best for her. *She knows that if she stays with me that she will still have feelings for this guy no matter what and that would not make her the happiest she can be.*
> 
> We have agreed to go to Marriage counseling and have gone once together then one single session for me and She goes this Friday.
> She thinks its useless cause she wants whats best for her. I keep over perusing her and keep asking what she wants and what i don't give her etc. and she can not answer any of these. She has Asked for space and not to bother her and even considered moving into her moms house. there was a point where she gave her rings back to me to when i convinced her that we need counseling.
> 
> *So where we stand now *- She Doesn't want to talk to me about whats going on, she needs space however we live together.. She has been my shoulder to lean on for 8 years and its hard to go from many texts and "love you" to nothing no hugs no kisses no ANYTHING. I feel ignored and she is not interested in me PERIOD.
> I Don't know what to do at this point... should i be hoping and praying that marriage counseling will help? How can i not panic about her not being there? She refuses not to talk to this guy and does it in front of me even against our counselor advice . IS there anything i can do in the next few weeks to kind of regain her trust in therapy and trust in me... Has any one else had anything like this happen.... I know I'm not her SOULMATE but I'm still the love of her life as she put it... she says she cant have both.. I cant beg i can press i cant do much..Will we be able to over come trust issues?.. HELP please
> 
> Thanks for reading and you input-


Have the divorce paperwork started. 

Stop asking her for anything.


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## grux22

I do not want to divorce her... She is unsure either...


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## Blossom Leigh

Who all knows about the affair?


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## grux22

My parents and her parents and both of our best friends.


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## Blossom Leigh

What about the other spouse?


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## grux22

yes the other spouse knows... they are on the verge of divorce them selves...


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## jorgegene

she is in a 'fog' of infatuation that has nothing to do with real love. in fact, by her actions she is showing that she does not understand what true love is.

true love has the fortitude and wisdom to stick with your vows until your partner breaks their own vows with either infidelity or serious abuse.
true love sticks it out with the father of her children and her kids.

true wisdom can see that infatuation comes and goes. feelings are fickle and come and go. 

as one poster said recently, wait till she wakes up next to him with bad breath in the morning, see's (really sees) his faults, his bad habits, his nasty side (and we all have some), all his warts, and imperfections. you don't really know someone until you spend years with them. 'soulmate'? what a joke. 

wait till the 'fog' clears and she realizes what a fool she's been. but it'll be too late.


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## grux22

I understand all of this and assure her that i am not going nowhere. SHe looks at this guy as being a "good guy" because he cheats on his wife for her.
She thinks all his shortcomings are probably better than mine for some reason.....He is her SOULMATE no way he could harm her!?.


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## TheTruthHurts

You have to go see a lawyer to protect your rights to the assets and more importantly the kids. You're their father and have to put them first. 

Find out about D in your state from the attorney - fault/nofault, waiting period, etc

Even though you want to save the marriage you can not do it alone.

When your S is focused on someone else there is very little you can do. You can not reason, you can not nice them back. You might be able to get their attention but I doubt it.

You should also think about yourself - just like she is. You should not accept being plan B.

That's why you should prepare to file and protect the kids


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## grux22

I hope it doesn't come to that... I know we would separate before that but she does know that what we do have is great and has told me that she does not see herself ending up with this guy... although she thinks they are meant to be. She needs space now and i want to give it to her but i also wanna work on mending us... how can i do such a thing when we don't talk? wait till she comes around if she comes around ever? or give her her space until counseling comes in affect?


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## MarriedDude

grux22 said:


> I understand all of this and *assure her that i am not going nowhere.* SHe looks at this guy as being a "good guy" because he cheats on his wife for her.
> She thinks all his shortcomings are probably better than mine for some reason.....He is her SOULMATE no way he could harm her!?.


For the love of all that is holy on this earth....

Stop assuring her that you will be there for her. 

This isn't helping you or her...it's doing the total opposite.


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## grux22

I am just a Ghost at home to her now... I have said my Peace... Till she is ready to talk or make moves on me... im just going about daily life taking care of kids and chores... but when i see her both her and i have that elephant in the room look... its quite odd...


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## MarriedDude

grux22 said:


> I am just a Ghost at home to her now... I have said my Peace... Till she is ready to talk or make moves on me... *im just going about daily life taking care of kids and chores...* but when i see her both her and i have that elephant in the room look... its quite odd...



This is all you can do....HOWEVER...there is no way ion hell you should be taking on any more of the chores than you did prior to her wayward activities. 

Take care of your children and you. By keeping yourself together with your head held high -you run the highest probability of her fog breaking. 

Read the 180 and OWN IT


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## TheTruthHurts

To her you are a babysitter and house setter while she goes out and samples your replacement.

Separation means she fvcks other guys while you stay and take care of things.

These are weak and unattractive qualifies.

You don't have to be a jerk to be strong. Just don't accept what scraps she provides. Make your own independent decision and do it. If you are decisive and don't accept her waffling there is a chance she will come back to your strength.

She definitely won't come back to your weakness.

Hide the ghost stuff - be outwardly strong, calm, content and fun with the kids. Tell her you don't accept infidelity in your marriage and if she wants to explore other guys to replace you do if on her own time and not as your wife


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## grux22

Is there anything in particular to be outwardly strong? i mean how do i show it? 
I already told her i dont accept her doing what she is doing and she has to stop if she wants us to work... she seems to be pushing me to end us so she can do what ever she wants... 

What i Want is her to cut this guy and work on over coming our trust issues and growing closer... How to i Do that if she is in la la land still?

I need to show that im not weak.... what shows that..?


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## Marc878

grux22 said:


> Is there anything in particular to be outwardly strong? i mean how do i show it?
> I already told her i dont accept her doing what she is doing and she has to stop if she wants us to work... she seems to be pushing me to end us so she can do what ever she wants...
> 
> What i Want is her to cut this guy and work on over coming our trust issues and growing closer... How to i Do that if she is in la la land still?
> 
> I need to show that im not weak.... what shows that..?


Full exposure, his/her friends, family, work, 180 immediately.

If you are weak and timid here you lose. 

You cannot nice her back. You just come across as weaker

I'd file immediately. You don't have to go through with it but it says, I'm not affraid!!! If it doesn't turn around you're ahead of the game. You have nothing to lose. She's rubbing it into your face.


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## Marc878

Pack her bags and tell her to go to her moms. You can't allow this in your own home.

Better wake up and enforce that your marriage is not for three.

If she leaves and doesn't come back it wouldn't have worked anyway.


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## TheTruthHurts

The answer you want is how to get her back. Your tendency is to wait until you can figure out how to do that.

This is a very common viewpoint and mistake.

The truth is you can't change anyone, you can't make anyone NOT love someone else, you can't make anyone love you.

It sucks but the sooner you recognize this, the sooner you are able to take back control of your life.

Sometimes a decisive spouse - particularly one who was previously nice, nurturing, meek even - can shake up a wayward and jolt them into seeing what they are about to lose.

That's about the only way to possibly cause change in someone else.

She expects you to sit by while she makes up her mind. If you act quickly she might be surprised. She might not. But you will be in your way to taking care of yourself and your kids

At a minimum meet with a lawyer tomorrow.


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## grux22

Now would i be jumping on this too soon.? She Has agreed to do marriage counseling with me. She Does know she has to cut this guy if she wants us to work. Our councilor said it would be around 5-7 weeks before we can expect to see some growth. so far we went once together and i did my individual week and hers is this Friday. Her Affair is still working on his marriage and actually encourages her to stay calm and not to make any rash life decisions biased on himself.

My wife says in an Ideal world we could do the Counseling and if we could over come our trust issues she would like to grow our relationship to a higher level.

She is half in half out all the time.. very confused... I'm afraid if i do something like that, it would push her away before she truly see what is going on and not come back to me.

As she says her head says stay she just has to convince her heart that we could connect again... I hope talking it out will help... i cant force her to talk at this point.


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## tech-novelist

Sorry about your kids, but this will never work out for you until you serve her with divorce papers.

Maybe that will wake her up out of her fog, or maybe it won't.

But that is your next move no matter what.


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## tech-novelist

She's not confused. She's a cake eater. That is, she wants you to pay the bills and act as a babysitter, while she screws the other guy.

Don't do it.


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## grux22

Remember 1 its just emotional affair... 2 She does not find this guy sexually attractive and frankly Repels her buy his nasty piercings and short stature.
they have only met in person 4 times.. They mostly text and chat about life and music... enough for her to love him? 

She does believe that they are meant to be soulmates... so the purpose of that is unknown... but he is changing her for sure.

IF she gave me full disclosure of their contact and committed to myself could such a relationship work?


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## TheTruthHurts

Not too soon to see an attorney and figure out your options.

If she still has any contact with the OM at all she will not be able to love you because her heart will be with him.

I would get prepared and even draw up D papers and have them. If she maintains contact in any way I would have the D papers out and on my desk.

That's what I sound do.

I also would never try to win my W back. If I were in your place it would be on her to win me back after a betrayal.


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## grux22

Oh i Forgot to mention... one of the things she likes most about this guy is how different he is from me. Her example... I am very predictable.. i go to work and come home at same time every day . get kids ready for hockey then make dinner, dishes,baths, off to bed.... This guy is 10 years older has no kids and no debt... on the drop of a dime he will hop on a plane and fly to Florida for a concert or on whim just go by a new car.. sorry i have came so predictable but i have responsibility to take care of and my budget doesn't allow spontaneous trips.

Im all for changing things up and reconnecting and puttting some adventure and new things into our relationship


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## TheTruthHurts

grux22 said:


> Oh i Forgot to mention... one of the things she likes most about this guy is how different he is from me. Her example... I am very predictable.. i go to work and come home at same time every day . get kids ready for hockey then make dinner, dishes,baths, off to bed.... This guy is 10 years older has no kids and no debt... on the drop of a dime he will hop on a plane and fly to Florida for a concert or on whim just go by a new car.. sorry i have came so predictable but i have responsibility to take care of and my budget doesn't allow spontaneous trips.
> 
> Im all for changing things up and reconnecting and puttting some adventure and new things into our relationship


Forget about it.

Change yourself for yourself. Stop being boring. Call and let her know you'll be late and go out and see a movie, play, band... Go with someone from the office or go alone.

Look up groupons or living social and just buy some tickets and go.

What has she done spontaneous for you? Where is her effort? If she hasn't been trying to drag you out then she's as boring as you. So don't try to prove anything to her - just go do something. Get a sitter if she won't watch the kids and go.

She probably attracted to his independent thinking - he does what he wants. That's all. She thinks it's something else but that's probably all it is


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## grux22

You know i like that advice! She has not done anything for me in the same regards.... I always overlook myself cause im always putting her and the kids ahead of me... Maybe that will show that i can be independent and stand tall. My sister invited me to go boxing with her... i am going to start with that for a day instead of cleaning the house and hearing mickey mouse clubhouse for hours.


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## TheTruthHurts

grux22 said:


> You know i like that advice! She has not done anything for me in the same regards.... I always overlook myself cause im always putting her and the kids ahead of me... Maybe that will show that i can be independent and stand tall. My sister invited me to go boxing with her... i am going to start with that for a day instead of cleaning the house and hearing mickey mouse clubhouse for hours.


Don't ever clean the house again. Hire a maid or tell your wife to do it. You can pick up a few things but that's it.

That change alone will make your pants fit better in the crotch


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## Marc878

grux22 said:


> Remember 1 its just emotional affair... 2 She does not find this guy sexually attractive and frankly Repels her buy his nasty piercings and short stature.
> they have only met in person 4 times.. They mostly text and chat about life and music... enough for her to love him?
> 
> She does believe that they are meant to be soulmates... so the purpose of that is unknown... but he is changing her for sure.
> 
> IF she gave me full disclosure of their contact and committed to myself could such a relationship work?


So she says. 

How do you like having 3 in your marriage?

Cheaters lie, hide and deny in case you haven't heard. 

If he's nothing to her why can't she let him go?????

Your in denial making every excuse to justify her actions.

No wonder she finds Him attractive. Being a doormat means no respect and is very unnactractive. Do you not get that????!

You need to seriously wake up!!!!!!!


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## grux22

so is it possible for me to make some changes and us reconnect?

She says we shouldn't have to work on connecting and it come natural.... isnt it normal for couples to disconnect some after being together for some time? And there is nothing wrong with getting help rite?


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## Blossom Leigh

I think this thread would gain additional support in CWI (Coping With Infidelity).


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## Marc878

grux22 said:


> Oh i Forgot to mention... one of the things she likes most about this guy is how different he is from me. Her example... I am very predictable.. i go to work and come home at same time every day . get kids ready for hockey then make dinner, dishes,baths, off to bed.... This guy is 10 years older has no kids and no debt... on the drop of a dime he will hop on a plane and fly to Florida for a concert or on whim just go by a new car.. sorry i have came so predictable but i have responsibility to take care of and my budget doesn't allow spontaneous trips.
> 
> Im all for changing things up and reconnecting and puttting some adventure and new things into our relationship


translation: you are my perfect plan B and it makes my cake eating much easier. Thanks Hun!!!!!!


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## grux22

So here is the big question... We are not really talking now because she wants her space..... How do i spice things up and become greater than this "soulmate" ? 

I planned a new date to a wine and painting thing.... way out of our comfort zone something new... i did not tell her what we are doing just to be free on wendsday... and she was like NO ... BECAUSE... 

How do i get her out of this cold shoulder mode and actually back in to the relationship?


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## MarriedDude

grux22 said:


> So here is the big question... We are not really talking now because she wants her space..... How do i spice things up and become greater than this "soulmate" ?
> 
> I planned a new date to a wine and painting thing.... way out of our comfort zone something new... i did not tell her what we are doing just to be free on wendsday... and she was like NO ... BECAUSE...
> 
> How do i get her out of this cold shoulder mode and actually back in to the relationship?


By having a life of your own


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## TheTruthHurts

You are begging. Don't. Just live your life and if she wants to join, fine.

Ask a moderator to move the thread to CWI


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## Marc878

Nicing her back into the marriage will not work.

It just makes you look weaker and more of a doormat. Please give me some breadcrumbs. While she is in deep with the other man. She wants space so she can have other man more. Are you that blind?

The only thing that will work is full exposure to his/her friends, family and work.

The unwillingness to allow another man into you marriage. 

You are in complete denial and do not want to see the truth. She will show you the truth later.

Bank on it!!!!!!


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## jorgegene

grux22 said:


> So here is the big question... We are not really talking now because she wants her space..... How do i spice things up and become greater than this "soulmate" ?
> 
> I planned a new date to a wine and painting thing.... way out of our comfort zone something new... i did not tell her what we are doing just to be free on wendsday... and she was like NO ... BECAUSE...
> 
> How do i get her out of this cold shoulder mode and actually back in to the relationship?


Dont try to compete with mr perfect. You cant.

continue to be yourself. Damn him.

your predictable? That means your stable, responsible, steady, loyal, and dependable. Those are qualities.

Shes a spoiled brat


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## TBT

grux22 said:


> Her Affair is still working on his marriage and actually encourages her to stay calm and not to make any rash life decisions biased on himself.


Making her his Plan B.



MarriedDude said:


> By having a life of your own


^^Exactly. Don't sit around waiting as her Plan B.


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## Space Mountain

grux22,

If it has not been said already, secure your assets ASAP. Open a bank account in your name only and move your money there. Cancel all joint credit cards. If things don't improve then remove her name as beneficiary off of life insurance policies, 401ks and etc. See a lawyer and protect yourself. 

Do not settle for being her plan B. You deserve better.


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## tech-novelist

grux22 said:


> So here is the big question... We are not really talking now because she wants her space..... How do i spice things up and become greater than this "soulmate" ?
> 
> I planned a new date to a wine and painting thing.... way out of our comfort zone something new... i did not tell her what we are doing just to be free on wendsday... and she was like NO ... BECAUSE...
> 
> How do i get her out of this cold shoulder mode and actually back in to the relationship?


When a woman takes up with a new man, she has usually relegated the old man to backup (if even that).

In other words, she's done with you. The only possibility you have is to shake her out of the "affair fog" by serving her divorce papers and exposing the affair to everyone you know.

I'd be surprised if that worked when it has gotten this bad, but nothing else has any chance of working at all.


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## Borntohang

Don't play the "Pick me" game! (Not attractive!)
The only hope you have is to expose this to everyone! Shine the light of day on it!!


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## JohnA

Your MC how familiar is he with CSA ? I've read where a victim of CSA often becomes frozen emtionaly and at the maturity level at the time of abuse. She sounds like a very young girl at the time. What I am saying you are dealing with a child who looks like a woman. 

Also victims of CSA marry "saviors" who become a authority figure. But over time that authority morphs them into their being the same as the abuser who had the authority. So in fact you are the man who is abusing her very young self. 

Read @Uptown posts on the subject. And I think your MC either does not know of this issue or is way out of his league. The issue of how compentent MCs are is a constant sub issue running though many threads on this forum. So to start what do you know of this MC. Schooling, certifications, etc to start.


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## naiveonedave

this is not just an EA. EA for a woman pretty much means the OP is toast.

MC is worthless, unless the MC knows she in an affair and has the b*lls to call her on it. Stop MC now, let her parents and key friends know she is cheating on you. if you kids are old enough, let them know what is going on. FIle for D, take financial steps to save your backside.


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## Chaparral

grux22 said:


> Remember 1 its just emotional affair... 2 She does not find this guy sexually attractive and frankly Repels her buy his nasty piercings and short stature.
> they have only met in person 4 times.. They mostly text and chat about life and music... enough for her to love him?
> 
> She does believe that they are meant to be soulmates... so the purpose of that is unknown... but he is changing her for sure.
> 
> IF she gave me full disclosure of their contact and committed to myself could such a relationship work?


Have you got a picture of him to show your kids? You're being gaslighted.

There is absolutely no point in counseling while she is still in contact with the other man.


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## Ynot

OP, I feel for you. I really do. Your story sounds so similar to my own. But right now you are focused on her and your marriage. You need to focus on yourself. You are acting on your assumptions, expectations and desires, instead of acting on reality. She has told you everything you need to know. So act on it. Focus on yourself. Do the 180 for YOU, not to win her back or save your marriage. Become the best you that you can be.


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## grux22

They only seem to be in contact about club stuff and talking about our situation


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## Chaparral

grux22 said:


> Remember 1 its just emotional affair... 2 She does not find this guy sexually attractive and frankly Repels her buy his nasty piercings and short stature.
> they have only met in person 4 times.. They mostly text and chat about life and music... enough for her to love him?
> 
> She does believe that they are meant to be soulmates... so the purpose of that is unknown... but he is changing her for sure.
> 
> IF she gave me full disclosure of their contact and committed to myself could such a relationship work?


Not a chance.


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## Chaparral

grux22 said:


> They only seem to be in contact about club stuff and talking about our situation


You dont seem to be understanding anything we are telling you.

Why do you think this? How are you getting this information from them?

The only way to save this is for her to think she is losing you.

Google your states divorce papers and download them. If you can't go to the county courthouse and get a divorce packet. You have to at least make her think you're preparing to dump her and seek child custody.


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## Ynot

grux22 said:


> They only seem to be in contact about club stuff and talking about our situation


You are in denial. I get it. Now you need to wake up. How much "club stuff" is there really to talk about? Is "club stuff" worth destroying your marriage over? What is "this our situation" that they are talking about? Her leaving? You being a doormat? Wake up man. Stop focusing on her and start focusing on what YOU are going to do for YOU!


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## happy as a clam

Chaparral said:


> You dont seem to be understanding anything we are telling you.


:iagree:

OP, there seems to be a real disconnect between the advice you are receiving, and your responses to that advice. You need to pay more attention to what is being said here and less attention to what she is doing.

My advice is to go back through this thread and make a list of the CONCRETE steps that have been suggested. Then start doing them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Miss Independent

grux22 said:


> I have crossed the line in the bedroom recently and she completely repelled by me with what i have done in the bed room. she then proceeds to tell me that she was sexually abused as a kid and that the guy who did it told her the same thing over and over and over. " Come on you know you like it" . I had no clue about this and took it as her being shy and embarrassed... but now i feel like a piece of **** cause she did tell me no but i didn't listen... she is really confused alone rite now cause of her affair but she is 0 interested in any sex with me ever again....
> 
> t-



So you raped your wife? 


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## grux22

I'm starting the 180 today... I put some responsibility on her today. I'm going out to gym with my sister and left it up to her to find a sitter while I go out... Needless to say seems to be working


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## grux22

Did not rape.. She would say no to a toy then I would I would persuade her that she likes it... She would then indulge and be all over it and use it on her own even


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## manfromlamancha

Grux you have posted this in the CWI section and have got the same advice there. You did not do anything about it and have now come here to Considering Divorce - is this because you are now actually considering divorce ?


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## Acoa

grux22 said:


> I'm starting the 180 today... I put some responsibility on her today. I'm going out to gym with my sister and left it up to her to find a sitter while I go out... Needless to say seems to be working


Stick to the 180. Talk to her only about kids things. Do not make her dinner, do not accept a dinner she makes. Live a separate life from her and show her zero support. 

She is trying to maintain contact with this 'soulmate' to see if he divorces his spouse so they can 'finally be together'. She is trying to appease you with the minimum possible to keep you on the leash as her plan B. 

Tell her no way. She married you, not him. She vowed to forsake all others. If she feels that was a mistake, fine, she can leave. But you won't put up with her investing in a potential rival. She already vowed to forsake that. If she can't keep her promise, then she can leave.

For the 180 to end, she has to agree to have zero contact with OM. If that means quitting the club or job or whatever it is she has contact through, so be it. 

Until it becomes painfully clear she is 100% back into the marriage, keep the focus on you and your kids. Have some fun, live a little. 

PS - The after the fact bedroom stuff sounds like a cheater tactic to create chaos where there is none. So does the 'he physically repulses' her crap. They met 4 times that you know of. Don't be so sure it hasn't gone physical. The way she is acting speaks volumes.


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## 3Xnocharm

manfromlamancha said:


> Grux you have posted this in the CWI section and have got the same advice there. You did not do anything about it and have now come here to Considering Divorce - is this because you are now actually considering divorce ?


Starting to think we are being played...


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## rachaelm

grux22 said:


> I'm starting the 180 today... I put some responsibility on her today. I'm going out to gym with my sister and left it up to her to find a sitter while I go out... Needless to say seems to be working


Good! You have to stop pursuing her if you want to do the 180, dont plan romantic evenings right now and ask her to come. It is setting yourself up for disappointment and rejection. Don't ask her about her feelings or what she wants or where you see your marriage or what you need to do differently. Think back to a time when you broke up with a girl and she kept throwing herself at you, did it attract or repel you? Did it make you think she was clingy and needed to get some respect for herself? Other than the kids and household things, don't talk to her much and just go about your life. If you are willing to do anything to keep her, even at a detriment to yourself, that is not attractive and will drive her away from you. 

Strength and confidence in yourself is attractive, be a good father and take care of yourself right now. Plan activities with the kids and don't invite her along, plan activities for yourself and leave her with the kids. Don't fill her in on your day or funny little things that happened at work, she doesn't deserve to be in that part of your life right now. Distractions are great at a time like this and kids are an excellent way to distract yourself from her.


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## manfromlamancha

3Xnocharm said:


> Starting to think we are being played...


Zack Lee (the other son of Bruce).


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## DayOne

manfromlamancha said:


> Zack Lee (the other son of Bruce).


And don't forget OP's distant royal Egyptian aunt, Cleopatra. Queen of De Nile.


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## Blossom Leigh

He started the thread in divorce first and I encouraged him to post it over in CWI... it wasn't the reverse.


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