# just became a victim of domestic violence.



## kingrocc (Jan 5, 2016)

Well my wife crossed the line of no return and punched me in the face.


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

Call the police, file a complaint and have her removed from the house and put an RO in place. Sooner the better. You should also not meet or talk with her alone without carrying VAR.

Did your kids witness this?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Call the police and don't listen to the people who will ask "why did she do it" or "what did you do." Don't believe the hype that you are a man and can't be hurt or abused. Call the cops now.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

^^^^ this


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

always_hopefull said:


> Call the police, file a complaint and have her removed from the house and put an RO in place. Sooner the better. You should also not meet or talk with her alone without carrying VAR.
> 
> Did your kids witness this?


Or werer there any other witnesses? If not, I'd carefully consider calling the cops / pressing a TRO. You're more likely to be the one arrested due to "Predominant Aggressor" doctrine unless you have witnesses.

You need to definitely have a VAR on you whenever she is around. Since you've got kids, my standard advice of "Knock her out" isn't any good here. Don't do anything that could be remotely viewed as "aggressive"


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

Make the call. Protect yourself.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I'm so sorry.

Take pictures of your face and anything else that's been destroyed by her.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Is there anything in the circumstances to make the police not believe your story? I'm not doubting you at all, just trying to find out if the police might. 

Whether or not you press charges, contact a lawyer to start working on a divorce.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

If there where witnesses or you photo's combined with her not being happy in florida it kinda settles the question of 50/50. How bad was your phyiscal damage. Years ago a friend I worked with, Mike, came to work (2nd shift) in a daze with a deep wound over his eye. I touched based with supervisor we both pushed him out the door with me taking him to the hospital. They keeped him overnight because of the wounds and high blood sugar.

He refused to press charges because te girlfriend worked for the correction facility. 

At this point go for primary physical custody.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

what do you think she would have done if you had hit her....she most definitely have called the police on you and you would have been taken away..does she get a pass because she is a woman?, just because we are men does not mean we are not entitles to the same rights and expectations under the law.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Actually this will help you in the divorce dramatically if you do what's necessary to act on it.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I'm sorry . 

When my ex husband put bruises on me (no punches, just slamming his body against mine), I regret not calling the police. I took pics, but it's my word against his since there were no witnesses and he denies it up and down. 

Call the police. Make a report. Doesn't mean you have to send her to jail.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

So sorry. I understand where you're at.

Document everything - pictures and what happened. And don't let anybody tell you it's not a big deal.

Can you provide context for where you're at now? Do you feel safe? Are you out of the situation? How about kids?


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## kingrocc (Jan 5, 2016)

She left no physical marks I called the police she had already left for work and since it is considered a misdemeanor pretty much nothing is going to happen on that end. The police did believe me. I went to the courthouse and filled the protection order which was denied twice. I feel violated in such a terrible way. It is paramount to saying that she can punch me and have absolutely no consequence. I am certain had I stuck her back I would be in jail. This is not how these things are supposed to work.


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## kingrocc (Jan 5, 2016)

Now I am stuck in this house with someone who has displayed that they are ok with committing a violent act she did not hurt me but that is not the point. I don't want to end up in situation in which I have to defend myself and cause harm.


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## kingrocc (Jan 5, 2016)

She also keeps telling me that she did not hit me so I am certain she is bat**** crazy


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## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

Can you give us some context of what was happening when she hit you? If she's saying it didn't happen, what does she say DID happen? I believe you, I'm just trying to see the bigger picture.

If you feel unsafe, you should leave. Can you stay with a friend or family member?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Good ol American legal system at work...

All you can really do is move out friend. File for divorce if you have not done so. Once an abuser crosses the line they never go back to normal.


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## kingrocc (Jan 5, 2016)

I was removing a carseat from the car a placed it on the ground and it came to rest on her foot completely unintentional which is strange that she was out side so close to me because she does her best to be no where near me as soon as i realized what happened I started to apologize and she said you slammed it down on me and then she punched me in the chest and then in the face directly on my check bone it did not hurt but shocked me and i asked did you really just punch me in the face and went directly went inside to call the police it took an hour for them to arrive. As I went inside and just kept repeating you just punched me in the face and she made sure that once the kids could hear to say that she did not hit me. I don't know if she is just so crazy that she did not realize what she did until after or if she was trying to get me to lose my temper and hit which will not happen. Now that I am thinking about it it seems she was setting up some kind of scenario because like i said she had no reason to follow me outside and she rarely stands within striking distance besides what would I accomplish by putting a car seat on her foot purposely . I can rest on the fact that she lost her cool but it does not seem that the system cares because no damage was caused. She is now trying to alienate me from my kids by telling them right in front of me by telling them not to talk to me and they are more likely to listen because she will use corporal punishment as a form of discipline which in my conversations with law enforcement she is not doing anything that could be considered abuse.


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## kingrocc (Jan 5, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> Good ol American legal system at work...
> 
> All you can really do is move out friend. File for divorce if you have not done so. Once an abuser crosses the line they never go back to normal.


I know and with no consequences it will only fuel in her mind that it is ok because I will not strike her and the law will not do anything of substance.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

That sucks. The only time I've ever done that was when I was held down by my neck face down and gave two crystal clear warnings prior to striking to let me go. 

An accident on your part... Totally unacceptable reaction from her. So sorry.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

King, 
Do your research before you act. Doctors are more likely to believe you than law enforcement. Buy a VAR, or use your phone / tablet to get evidence. 

In a domestic abuse situation. 
Protect the children.
Protect your physical self.
Protect the assets (money , property).
Get out.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Are you filing for D?

Keep a VAR, or your phone ready to record, on you at all times. She sounds like the type that would fabricate false abuse charges to get you out of the house.

Be wary.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Start using marital funds and get a lawyer. Do not let this go. If it happens again call. Yes, it's the culture of America not just the justice system. If you don't believe me go read some threads, you'll see people who I respected use the "she just wouldn't listen" excuse we wouldn't tolerate for abuse of women.


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## kingrocc (Jan 5, 2016)

I am filing as soon as I have some money to make it happen. I was informed yesterday that i can only request custody for my biological child and my step daughter i have zero rights to.


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## kingrocc (Jan 5, 2016)

I think the only reason she cares about 50/50 is so that she can get some money


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

that is true, but you may want to inform the biological father of what occurred, he should be aware of her anger management issue.....also you may have no visitation with the step daughter as well, so have to consider that as well. But at the same time you will not be hit up with child support for that child either. keep a VAR on you so you can record conversations with her


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Make sure her ex understands the risk to his daughter if he starts blowing it off as something just between yall.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Buy a VAR. Keep it on you all the time. Back up anything important immediately, even before the police arrive. Use an online cloud backup as well as one on your computer. Use strong passwords on everything.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

But she still has it on her record as you filing, right? That's paramount in case she does it again. To show a pattern.

Have you called her family to tell them? Do that today.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

kingrocc said:


> She left no physical marks I called the police she had already left for work and since it is considered a misdemeanor pretty much nothing is going to happen on that end. The police did believe me. I went to the courthouse and filled the protection order which was denied twice. I feel violated in such a terrible way. It is paramount to saying that she can punch me and have absolutely no consequence. I am certain had I stuck her back I would be in jail. This is not how these things are supposed to work.


No, these things are not *supposed *to work this way.

Unfortunately, that *is *how they work.

Sorry, man.


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## kingrocc (Jan 5, 2016)

I have been i contact with her father. I have been contemplating letting her work know but not sure if that is taking it too far. It is all documented.


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## kingrocc (Jan 5, 2016)

I am trying to find an attorney right now who specializes in men's issues


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I called the police after many times of my husband hitting me, shoving me into walls, twisting my arm, etc. So finally I called the police. There were no marks. He denied it. The cops left.

So I left with our son as my lawyer told me to do and filed for divorce. My then husband had is lawyer call an emergency court hearing. The judge said that since there was no police record of abuse, I was lying. She gave my husband 100% custody of our son.

So I moved back in and stopped the divorce. It took another 4 years before I could leave him, 4 more years of being hit, pushed, shoved, arms twisted, picked up by my neck.. because it was always behind closed doors and I don't bruse easily.. hardly ever bruse. By the time I did leave, my son was old enough to be a witness if asked. And he was asked.

It is not unsual for cops to not take a woman's word if she has no physical signs of abuse.

I agree with you getting a VAR and keeping it on you at all times at home. I wish I had a VAR back then. Do not leave your home because it will hurt your custody chances. Plus you would be leaving you child(ren) completely in the care of a woman who seems to be going off the deep end. If she is escalating to this point, it should not be long before you have some evidence to back up your story.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kingrocc said:


> I have been i contact with her father. I have been contemplating letting her work know but not sure if that is taking it too far. It is all documented.


What would happen if her work knew? Would she lose her job? Would it lead to you having to pay her support? I would not mess with her job.

One thing you might want to do is to get the VAR. Then have a talk with her telling her that you are very disturbed that she hit you. That you filed a complaint so it's on the record. And if it ever happens again, you will press charges. Don't tell her you have the VAR. But be emphatic about you not accepting that behavior. She might just admit it during the talk. Plus you have put her on notice.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

kingrocc said:


> I have been i contact with her father. I have been contemplating letting her work know but not sure if that is taking it too far. It is all documented.


Documented as a legal entry with the police department?


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## kingrocc (Jan 5, 2016)

Basically the cop told me unless a broken bone or some grievous injury has been received it is much like running a stop sign. She is now working hard to alienate me from my children. Had she been on the scene who knows but she is admittedly denying that she hit me. She is very skilled at making herself believe whatever nonsense to needs to justify her behaviors. I literally cannot communicate with her it is much like trying to speak with a toddler who does not want to listen. She will start humming loudly repeat over and over why are you still talking.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Hope Solo and the Surprising Truth About Women and Violence

From over 200 studies, women are about as likely to commit domestic violence as men and more likely to harm children.

A recent study by Harvard Medical School conducted a survey of 11,000 men and women and found that 50% of the violence was reciprocal. Both men and women also took responsibility for being equally violent in the heat of passion. 

The Harvard study found that when violence was one-sided, meaning unprovoked, both men and the women themselves who took the study said 70% of the time it was the women who committed violence against the men.

Harvard Says 70% 0f Domestic Violence is Committed By Women Against Men


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## kingrocc (Jan 5, 2016)

turnera said:


> Documented as a legal entry with the police department?


Yes


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

A hidden video recording device or camera works wonders. 


http://www.amazon.com/Logitech-WiLife-Digital-Security-Hidden-Master/dp/B0017U8FTU


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Agreed. They're easy to install, they're wifi these days, and you just have to say you're installing security for the family. Set it up to copy to your hard drive on your lap top at work.


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## kingrocc (Jan 5, 2016)

She would flip if i installed cameras. I would prefer a discrete android app to record. i doubt that i can ever get her to admit to hitting me but the way she is with the children and her attempts at alienating me from them should be easy to record it is an almost daily occurrence at this point. Does anyone have any apps that could work?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

kingrocc said:


> She would flip if i installed cameras.


http://www.amazon.com/Best-Sellers-Camera-Photo-Hidden-Cameras/zgbs/photo/12909791


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

What has happened since?

Is she just pretending everything is fine and she didn't hit you? Is she pretending you're the one at fault?

What was the marriage like before this?

What's your plan now?


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## kingrocc (Jan 5, 2016)

She has not said anything to me and she seems to feel zero guilt. She said in a text that she did not hit me. The marriage had ups and downs which have all been my fault in her eyes, she even claimed in a recent conversation that her mistakes have all been minor but over the last couple months it has just deteriorated to what it is now. I have to file for divorce and custody once the custody is in place I am gone. I just to make sure I can have something is in writing that states my rights and time with the children if not she will hold all the power in that area and can deny me all she wants and i will have no legal footing to have it changed if need be.


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## kingrocc (Jan 5, 2016)

The difficult part right now is i do not have the money to fight a legal battle. Once I start getting paid the additional imcome i will have in about a month it will not be an issue.


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## kingrocc (Jan 5, 2016)

She also shifts the topic to it is not about us but the kids which I completely agree but will take no blame for hitting me just as she has done throughout the marriage.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

kingrocc said:


> She also shifts the topic to it is not about us but the kids which I completely agree but will take no blame for hitting me just as she has done throughout the marriage.


So, this isn't a new behavior?

Regarding the money, if you only need a month before an income increase, I wouldn't worry. I don't know your area, but my attorney only bills me once every few months. He never expects payment right after I meet with him. I'm sure whoever you find will work with you, and maybe bill once a month.


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## kingrocc (Jan 5, 2016)

I would not say it is a new behavior just a different topic. I am looking for the most part the attornies who have returned my request for info charge about 100 for an hour consultation


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

kingrocc said:


> I would not say it is a new behavior just a different topic. I am looking for the most part the attornies who have returned my request for info charge about 100 for an hour consultation


I don't know that it really is a different topic. If your W has been abusive before, it certainly matters to your situation. Was this a common occurrence previously? What made you decide to call the cops this time?

Attorneys charge for a consult? 

:surprise:


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

180 TIME! 











1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow him/her around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not ask for help from family members.

7. Do not ask for reassurances.

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say "I Love You".

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

21. Never lose your cool.

22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.

23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

28. Be strong and confident.

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Go to the police and lodge a report, then have her removed from the home. No one has to live with an abuser.


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## kingrocc (Jan 5, 2016)

Cosmos said:


> Go to the police and lodge a report, then have her removed from the home. No one has to live with an abuser.


I tried and my request was denied. I am at a complete 180 at this point.


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## kingrocc (Jan 5, 2016)

Kivlor said:


> I don't know that it really is a different topic. If your W has been abusive before, it certainly matters to your situation. Was this a common occurrence previously? What made you decide to call the cops this time?
> 
> Attorneys charge for a consult?
> 
> :surprise:


This is the first type it became physical.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

kingrocc said:


> This is the first type it became physical.


Well, at least it's new behavior. That might be why she's trying to rewrite the situation: She's panicked by what she just did; and by your response. 

Since there are children involved, don't move out of the marital home.

Do not under any circumstances fight back if she becomes violent again. The police are far more likely to arrest you than her, and that isn't going to help your situation at all. Just get the kids in the car and leave for a bit (and file with the cops again). Go get some ice cream or take them to the park. 

Do try to protect your assets and cash / bank accounts.

Do spend as much time as possible with your children. The amount of time spent with your kids may affect custody and maintenance.

Definitely follow the 180 Bandit posted. 

I know it is probably hurting that you don't have rights to your step-daughter. You may not have rights to see her, but you have the ability to reason. Your W can agree to let you see her in writing in D or she can later. All is not lost.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

kingrocc said:


> I tried and my request was denied. I am at a complete 180 at this point.


The police wouldn't allow you to lodge a complaint about an _assault_? I don't know what they call them where you live, but insist on speaking with the Station Commander / Chief of Police or whatever, but absolutely INSIST on them opening a docket and filing your complaint. 

Sorry you're going through this.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

kingrocc said:


> I was removing a carseat from the car a placed it on the ground and it came to rest on her foot completely unintentional which is strange that she was out side so close to me because she does her best to be no where near me as soon as i realized what happened I started to apologize and she said you slammed it down on me and then she punched me in the chest and then in the face directly on my check bone it did not hurt but shocked me and i asked did you really just punch me in the face and went directly went inside to call the police it took an hour for them to arrive. As I went inside and just kept repeating you just punched me in the face and she made sure that once the kids could hear to say that she did not hit me. I don't know if she is just so crazy that she did not realize what she did until after or if she was trying to get me to lose my temper and hit which will not happen. Now that I am thinking about it it seems she was setting up some kind of scenario because like i said she had no reason to follow me outside and she rarely stands within striking distance besides what would I accomplish by putting a car seat on her foot purposely . I can rest on the fact that she lost her cool but it does not seem that the system cares because no damage was caused. She is now trying to alienate me from my kids by telling them right in front of me by telling them not to talk to me and they are more likely to listen because she will use corporal punishment as a form of discipline which in my conversations with law enforcement she is not doing anything that could be considered abuse.


You did not put it down on her foot, she put her foot under it in order to cause a physical fight.

You wrecked her plan by not hitting her back.

Is she receiving coaching?


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Cosmos said:


> The police wouldn't allow you to lodge a complaint about an _assault_? I don't know what they call them where you live, but insist on speaking with the Station Commander / Chief of Police or whatever, but absolutely INSIST on them opening a docket and filing your complaint.
> 
> Sorry you're going through this.


I think this is why studies show most men do not report to the police. There's a belief that they won't press charges. It's not as bad as it used to be fortunately, but these stories only perpetuate that fear. The real problem is that if they do something about it, the OP stands a decent chance of being arrested alongside her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Cosmos said:


> The police wouldn't allow you to lodge a complaint about an _assault_? I don't know what they call them where you live, but insist on speaking with the Station Commander / Chief of Police or whatever, but absolutely INSIST on them opening a docket and filing your complaint.
> 
> Sorry you're going through this.


She denies it. He has no visible injuries. 

The police did the same thing when I tried called.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> She denies it. He has no visible injuries.
> 
> The police did the same thing when I tried called.


They did it the first time I tried reporting, too, I'm afraid... Things then escalated very quickly and they had to listen.:wink2:

Even if they can't do anything re the OP's W, it's important that these things are at the very least documented.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Cosmos said:


> They did it the first time I tried reporting, too, I'm afraid... Things then escalated very quickly and they had to listen.:wink2:
> 
> Even if they can't do anything re the OP's W, it's important that these things are at the very least documented.


I agree that it should be documented.


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## kingrocc (Jan 5, 2016)

So this morning I have audio of her being violent called the police but just got domestic dispute pamphlet. I wonder if i should send the audio to who i suspect her new boyfriend is.


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## kingrocc (Jan 5, 2016)

I filled a report for the second time today and also have audio of her braking a cologne bottle and dumping my stuff all over the place. I called the folks who would press charges and they said no witness no marks it is as if it did not happen.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

seems like you need to up the ante. Call the police chief and show evidence of her damaging your property, that is a crime as well. You probably should discuss this with your lawyer, too.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Install cameras! For security, of course.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

kingrocc said:


> I filled a report for the second time today and also have audio of her braking a cologne bottle and dumping my stuff all over the place. I called the folks who would press charges and they said no witness no marks it is as if it did not happen.


Video will help a little more than audio. 

Do not send anything to her OM. Don't even bother contacting him.


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## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

man up and stand up to her, not saying hit her or touch her at all but stand your ground with her. She knows you are afraid of her and her threat to take the kids. My advice would be to find another place NOW and take the kids with you. She can't stop you, though she can go get a temp custody order and take them back if she wins. That hearing would be the ideal place to disclose the complaints and recordings. 


My first wife put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger. luckily she did not know how to load it or I would not be here. I took the gun from her, then she proceeded to throw punches. At that point I did hit her back, and though the cops were never called everyone faulted me for it. So I know how you feel about not wanting to be accused of anything physical yourself. Just be sure to keep your wits. If you even think you may snap simply leave for a walk to cool down. Good luck in all this, as it will be a difficult but worthy battle over the coming months/years. Yes, it will be years because you have to deal with this woman for the rest of your life since you have kids. Never down her to them, show respect, and don't let the kids be wrapped up in anything.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Get the cameras. Keep reporting. It is going to be an uphill battle because you are a man. Contact a lawyer and find out the rules for criminal damage during domestic violence in your state. This is what many men get cited and arrested for when no physical violence occurs. It is a legal way to get the person out of the house for 24 hours and get the abused into a safe place if they choose. You now know the police aren't going to take you seriously.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

@kingrocc , When she hits you or cuts you or marks you in any way, Don't call the police, go straight to the emergency room. Let the hospital call the Police. Your local law enforcement has shown their hand, they have already classified you as nuisance caller. You will find many people who are firmly of the belief that a man can not be abused. A doctor is statistically your best chance at being believed.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Yup.

I suspect most people will only act on a man complaining of physical abuse when it reaches stabbing phase. Huge double standard.



Mr. Nail said:


> @kingrocc , When she hits you or cuts you or marks you in any way, Don't call the police, go straight to the emergency room. Let the hospital call the Police. Your local law enforcement has shown their hand, they have already classified you as nuisance caller. You will find many people who are firmly of the belief that a man can not be abused. A doctor is statistically your best chance at being believed.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Can you do to the police station and ask to have a report filed? Even if they don't press charges I would at least get one sided documentation.

Don't get yourself in trouble. She's not worth it.


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