# Need to open up



## Smoke (Jul 17, 2012)

Things are getting bad. I am an absolute emotional mess. I need to write this down and get it out before it destroys me and my family.

I have issues in my past that are preventing me from making any progress in my marriage. I dont know if I have been ignoring them- telling myself that I can deal with it, or just been too scared to face it.

My ex wife (divorced almost 10 years now) abused me mentally, emotionally and physically. She slept around a lot. Some were in my truck, in my house, in my bed. Some of these guys were my friends at the time. She told me in court that I needed to get DNA testing done on my younger son because she wasn't sure who the father was. She would punch and kick me. One time she came up behind me and split my head open with a hard plastic cup.
Yet, I stayed for 4 years. We had two children, both boys, and I felt it was my duty as a husband and Father to stay and be a family no matter what happened. 

Eventually I left. She has made it her lifes work to ensure that I never see my boys again. She got custody, and I got visitation rights. Then she moved them 2000 miles away. For a few years, I had hardly any contact with them. I worked on the oil rigs with a very sporatic schedule all over the province. That compounded the issue, but I made good money and was able to provide at least that for them. 

I met my current wife shortly after the breakup. That generated huge amounts of hatred from the ex. 

As years went on, I got to see my kids more regularly, and things were bearable. A few years ago, I got a good paying job at home finally and decided to change the court order. This is the fight that I am in now. She is a terrible parent. I made an application to the courts for custody. We had to go through a psycological assesment ($35,000) and numerous affadavits and court appearances. (total cost to date is somewhere around $120,000) In the end, she was still awarded custody, but the new order was very onesided to my rights. Now she is alienating them severly. My last two weekends she has denied my access-blaming the kids saying they don't want to come and she can't force them. It fricking kills me to watch them drive up, sit in the car for an hour, then drive away laughing and waving at me. 

I have her now on several contempt charges from her not following the order. She even accidentally sent me an email a week after the order was signed. The email was supposed to go to someone else based on the wording she used. The best part was that she wrote how she never intends to follow the order. I put that little ace up my sleeve. 

My kids are getting worse. They both have facebook profiles even though they are both under 13 years old. The older boy hasd a picture of him wearing a German army helmut captioning "Ha ha I'm a Nazi". And has a picture of a swastika flag in his album. They "like" pages of several beer companies. They are both using fake names to hide from me, but I found them. They had been seeing a court ordered therapist, but she had her claws in him too. She would take the boys there, and talk to him. I can only imagine the picture of me she painted to him. When I finally emailed him a copy of the new order, he responded by removing himself from the boys' care. The order has a clause that the boys shall see a therapist and his duty is to rebuild the relationship between the boys and I. He refused to do that. Some monster I must be.

This has made me such an angry person, and I take it out at home. Mostly on my wife. I accuse her of cheating and doing the things that my ex did. She is ready to leave me because of it. I feel that all women are the same. Evil creatures just put here to destroy me.

My wife suspected I am suffering from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) because of how I was treated for years. I thought she was crazy until this morning. I had a dream last night about my ex. We were on a city transit bus and she was talking to me. I cut her head off and it rolled on the floor. I then stomped it into a gooey mess. I turned back, and she was there again. So I knocked her down and stomped her head into another mess. This happend about 8 times. She kept coming back.

To add to my suspected PTSD, I was in a rodeo accident when I was 18 years old. I had a bull stomp on my chest. I laid in a hospital for 3 days because the doctors said I just had the wind knocked out of me. Luckily another doctor saw me, and rushed me to surgery. After the initial look, he was reluctant to operate because I was too badly damaged and I would not survive anyways. My mother made him operate. My damages were- punctured left lung, torn large intestine, ruptured spleen, torn liver, torn pancrease, bruised heart and bruised kidneys. Physically, I am 100% today, but why was I not worth operating on? Why did the doctor have to be forced to try and save me? I thought this didnt bother me, but as I write it, it does. Deeply.

I overcame the fears from the accident, and continued to ride bulls for 14 years. I wasn't very good at it, but I loved doing it. I retired 7 years ago when my daughter was born. Recently, I had wanted to start riding again. I thought seriuosly about it even though my wife was dead set against it. I came to the realization that I didn't ride bulls because I was good at it, or because I loved it so much, but it was because other people liked it that I was a bullrider. I was cool. Now I understand that I dont need to rodeo for people to like me. It didn't define me as a person. Once I understood and accepted this, I don't want to ride anymore. I could be killed and leave my family without a Father and a Husband. I don't want that to happen. I do way more good here than I would in a pine box. I don't think my wife quite believes that my desire to ride is long gone. 

Now, even I can see that there are things from my past I need to deal with that are destroying me inside.

I just finished booking a sessoin with a therapist. This will be the first time I have ever seen a therapist. Never had much faith in them, but I have nothing else to do. If I don't, I will lose my wife, my daughter, my boys, and everyone else who has ever tried to help me.

I have one more court date left. I am hanging it all on the line. The judge will be presented with the evidence of alienation. If I don't get custody she must be held accountable for what she does. I would like to see her get jail time, pay all my costs, and be made to get the needed help for my kids. If this gets done and she starts doing it again, I will walk away. If in the court room on that day, the judge slaps her on the wrist and says don't do it again, I will walk away right then and there. 
I am slowly being killed, and my boys are the weapon. I will not let it happen.


I don't care if anyone actually read this whole thing, but I needed to get it out somehow. I am not expecting any responses, I just need an outlet. I am on the brink of crying my eyes out, but I was always taught that men don't cry. It solves nothing. So I won't.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Crying doesn't solve anything, but it does cleanse you. Try it and see. Hugs to you.

You have absolutely done the right thing by seeing a therapist. If you don't click with this one, see another. Therapy is hard work too, so don't get discouraged.

You are a work in progress. You want to heal - that is huge. You can do it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sometimes you just can't change what happens to your kids with a sick ex. The best you can do is be true to yourself, show then whenever you have the chance that you DO love and care for them but you have morals and integrity. They're watching. It may be too late to win them over as kids, but they'll remember and may choose later to come back to you, as adults.


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## notperfectanymore (Mar 1, 2012)

Smoke said:


> Things are getting bad. I am an absolute emotional mess. I need to write this down and get it out before it destroys me and my family.
> 
> I have issues in my past that are preventing me from making any progress in my marriage. I dont know if I have been ignoring them- telling myself that I can deal with it, or just been too scared to face it.
> 
> ...


Hang in there....your kids WILL see the truth as they grow, they will realize the truth about thier mom and that they have a Dad that loves them.

My nephew is going thru that now...has a "trainwreck" mom that has shoveled more emotional abuse on the kid than you can imagine....he is now "waking up" from all the crap his momma has fed him....they will be OK as long as you keep up the good fight....

Please let us know how your therapy appt goes. I think having a stranger to offload onto is wonderful.....

Glad your trying to fix your marriage....hang in, keep us posted


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## Smoke (Jul 17, 2012)

My first ever therapy was today.

I don't feel an overwheming relief as I hoped I would. It just felt like I was wasting my time complaining to someone who could not (or would not) do anything.

It's hard for me to take her seriously. "Oh, I can imagine how it made you feel that way" she said like 10 times. Is that right? They taught you to say that line in Shrink school. You tell me all of your problems, then I can see if you really understand what I am going through.

The toughest part was making a second appointment, but I did.


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## notperfectanymore (Mar 1, 2012)

Smoke said:


> My first ever therapy was today.
> 
> I don't feel an overwheming relief as I hoped I would. It just felt like I was wasting my time complaining to someone who could not (or would not) do anything.
> 
> ...


Good for you! She was trying to validate your feelings....just remember too that you might have to try a couple of them before you find the right one (i know...ugh!) I will also take a couple of sessions for her to "get to know you".

You are TRYING!!! A for effort! (wish my hubs would try a little)...

Keep us posted...rooting for you!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Try to remember that a therapist can really damage a person, if that person trusts them fully. So at first, before they really know you, there aren't going to give you direct advice that may not be good for you. Expect it to take a few sessions before you two build a rapport.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

turnera said:


> Try to remember that a therapist can really damage a person, if that person trusts them fully. So at first, before they really know you, there aren't going to give you direct advice that may not be good for you. Expect it to take a few sessions before you two build a rapport.


:iagree: And if after a few sessions you still aren't feeling it, go to another therapist. Don't give up.


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