# Starting over!



## anewstart60 (Sep 24, 2015)

I was married to my 2nd wife for 24 years and have been separated for 17 months.
It has been a time of ups and downs since. (I left the marriage) There has been alot of guilt for the way the marriage ended.
I have my 20yr old son living with me and having him here with me has been probably the main thing that has kept me going.
I knew it wouldn't be easy leaving and starting over but I really didn't think I would still be feeling as lost as I do after this long. I try to look at this as a fresh start, a clean slate that I can make whatever I want and I guess I have come a long way towards that end.
I have been reading alot of the threads on here lately and it helps to see how others have handled this. There isn't really anyone here that knows how it feels although I do have a very supportive family so this site has helped.
I guess the bottom line for me is that I know this is going to be a longer process and I'm in for the long haul.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

After so long a time together, change and moving on can be hard. A lot can depend on who decided to leave, but it sounds like you did. The leaver usually has an easier time, but of course the circumstances leading to the decision may impact that tremendously.

What DO you want for the next phase of your life? Personal goals, mainly, or a new, maybe better relationship? Or both - why not?


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Be proud that you left the marriage honorably and did not cheat and have an exit affair. My ex was not as brave as you, and waited until he had a soft place to land before he left. I look at him now and see a shadow of the man I thought he was. He has admitted that the guilt of what he did and the way he went about it is eating him up inside. He claims he hasn't slept right in months. And he's with the OW he thought he wanted to be with so badly! 

It's hard to start over alone after so long. I know. We were married for 25 years, and together for 27. I feel lost, even though I wouldn't want him back. I guess keep looking at it that way - would you want your ex back, knowing the way things were between you and that they ultimately wouldn't change much if you got back together? Change is hard. Especially when you've gotten used to things being a certain way for decades.


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## anewstart60 (Sep 24, 2015)

Married but Happy said:


> After so long a time together, change and moving on can be hard. A lot can depend on who decided to leave, but it sounds like you did. The leaver usually has an easier time, but of course the circumstances leading to the decision may impact that tremendously.
> 
> What DO you want for the next phase of your life? Personal goals, mainly, or a new, maybe better relationship? Or both - why not?


Right now my kids are the priority, even though they are adults they still need my time.
The youngest is still in University for the next 3 years and getting him through this is #1 priority. Having a new relationship isn't even on my radar right now, it does get lonley sometimes but I am in no way ready for anything like that.
I am trying to do things I didn't do before like photography, if I keep busy things seem to be better.


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## anewstart60 (Sep 24, 2015)

Nomorebeans said:


> Be proud that you left the marriage honorably and did not cheat and have an exit affair. My ex was not as brave as you, and waited until he had a soft place to land before he left. I look at him now and see a shadow of the man I thought he was. He has admitted that the guilt of what he did and the way he went about it is eating him up inside. He claims he hasn't slept right in months. And he's with the OW he thought he wanted to be with so badly!
> 
> It's hard to start over alone after so long. I know. We were married for 25 years, and together for 27. I feel lost, even though I wouldn't want him back. I guess keep looking at it that way - would you want your ex back, knowing the way things were between you and that they ultimately wouldn't change much if you got back together? Change is hard. Especially when you've gotten used to things being a certain way for decades.


Actually I haven't missed her since I left and when I look at how my kids are doing and how my relationship with them is now I know I did the right thing.
It isn't as much guilt as it is sadness that my ex got hurt when I left and that's not what I wanted. We were separated once before for 2 1/2 years and I went back because I didn't want anyone else raising my kids. I have no regrets for going back and am glad I was there to help raise them to adulthood. Now that they are adults I know there is no reason for me to go back and it is done.
It just seems like this periodic feeling of sadness should be done by now, I though I would be further ahead emotionally by now.


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