# Betrayed but Cautiously Holding out Hope thanks to TAM



## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

I recently posted my horror, pain, confusion, and shock of finding out I was betrayed. I'm still going through all the horrible initial reactions and I fear so dearly the future. I'm questioning the meaning of love, the meaning of life, and the meaning of me.

But reading the post for newbies by AlmostRecovered has given me a clear set of instructions for what to expect and what to do. I've shared the information with my husband who has betrayed me and he wants me to post the key words "No contact. Remorse. Transparency. Honesty." (in translation) on the mirror in the bathroom. Done!

One year ago, we had a fall out after I discovered he was frequenting chat rooms and had a fake email account which he was using to email other girls flirting and loving emails. I wanted to save our marriage and we did but we didn't. That is, I did what I found in this forum to be called "rug sweeping." I forgave him too quickly, and he had too few consequences for his actions.

A year later, on the day of our anniversary, I learn that he got a girl's number and intended to go out for hookah with her. Meanwhile, he also called an "escort" or "prostitute" phone number inquiring about the cost of her "services". I learned all of this on the day of our second anniversary. There is no evidence of a PA but clearly he had the intent, whether or not it ever happened.

While the nightmare is amplified by the fact that this is now strike two, there is one reason for me to have cautious hope. I found this forum and now realize what needs to be done to save the marriage and how forgiving quickly is not in our best interest. This time he has consequences, including my sister having knowledge of his behavior (which embarrasses him greatly).

It does feel different. The first time around he was defensive and accused me of not healing faster and being controlling. Right now he admits my right to be furious and to keep asking for information. He has admitted new information that he visited a strip club and got a stripper's number. This was the day before our anniversary. At least I didn't find out on my own. 

He's trying. He seems remorseful. But I am only going to hope cautiously that he can kick his habit of lies and secrets in order to save our marriage. He knows this is our last chance. My only wish is that I could find information like on this forum which was in his language. Thank you all, and be strong.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Did I miss it or is there no mention of IC for H?

That has to be at the top of the list if he wants to save his marriage!


----------



## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

There are two practical problems to counseling. First, he is not fluent in English. Note that we mix English and his language as I started learning his before we met. The second problem is that we don't have much money as I am attending graduate school. 

I think we will investigate, but I'm concerned that we will not be able to afford it nor find someone with whom my husband can communicate properly.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

For your husband.

Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners

This little book has only 100 pages.
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful
There's also e-book version aviable at the autor's page: Here

*WS basics:*

The Wayward basics are simple. 
*NC – No Contact* - That means exactly what it says. None. Nada. None at all, no chats, no calls, no texting, nothing. It must become zero contact until or unless it is explicitly approved by your BS. 

*Total Honesty* - This might be the most difficult part to master in the first days following D-day. After all, in the process of having our affairs, we all mastered the skill of lying to our spouses and to ourselves. Now is the time to learn how to be honest again. No trickle truthing. No telling “little white lies” to protect yourself or your BS from the hurt that you think she will feel if you tell her the truth. You might as well hear it now. The truth will come out no matter how hard you try to hide it. It will hurt less in the long run if it comes out now instead of in dribs and drabs. As most of the WS will be able to tell you from firsthand experience, each TT event resets the marriage clock back to zero again! You do not want to be Bill Murray in the Groundhog Day movie. 
*Perseverance* – It will cost your tears but have courage. You will feel like a yo-yo some days and on other days, the journey will be like a roller coaster. And you must remember that if it feels like **** to you, it’s 100 times worse for your BS. Here is a quote that will help you keep that in perspective. 
*Communication* - Don’t argue or defend yourself. Just be honest and open. Talk and talk some more with your BS to rebuild your marriage. They need to see not just “I’m sorry I got caught or I'm afraid of the consequences” but she needs to see full and total remorse. The kind of remorse that will come from within when you feel their pain and understand, really understand how you betrayed him and you cry for him, not yourself. Don’t blame shift, don’t become defensive. Talk and be honest with them and yourself. 
*Accept the Blame & Responsibility* – The affair was/is your choice. No blame shifting or excuses. Owe up to it. The hard part is to accept that “how to handle the fallout from your affair” will be your BS’s decision. It may not be the one that you wish he made. Respect his choice, no matter if it hurts. After all, he deserves a shot at making a unilateral decision after the affair because you made a unilateral decision to start the affair. You have the greatest responsibility to repair your mistake. Don’t make him the victim in this. 

*Discover the WHY of the affair* – This might be the hardest part of the whole process. You had the affair for a reason. Find out why and either fix it or leave the marriage. You can’t expect your BS to stay with damaged goods forever. Get IC and self help books, whatever. You can do it. This is great starting place for information and advice and support. You need to become somone safe to be with even it menas protection from yourself and your weakness.
*No Destructive Behaviours* – no drinking, no drugs, no anger rants, no violence, no threats. Period. Chose wisely your friendships, more, find out what real friends mean. Get rid of toxic influences.
*Stand Firm in your Commitment* – Each and every day, you must face the monster in the mirror and recommit yourself to your future, to this journey, to your spouse, family and marriage. It’s something that can bring the hero out in us if we really want this


----------



## Sestina (Nov 6, 2012)

Acabado said:


> For your husband.
> 
> Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners
> 
> ...


Thank you for this--it's so helpful.


----------



## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

Thank you so much for the advice and resources. It means a lot to me. I will share with my WH what you have shared with me here. Tonight, we had a (if am I allowed to say) "lovely" night. I should qualify that by saying in general I am in a miserable state of course. However, we went out and had a very intimate discussion, and he even started crying (which he RARELY does). We both really connected in this shared pain way and reflected on a lot. He says that in the future if their is ever the slightest temptation his plan is to 1) think of my feelings, 2) think of his mother's disappointment, and 3) go home and pray before returning to the situation. He was very clearly remorseful and intent on salvaging our relationship and clearly frustrated with his own actions. I can't explain it in words, but believe me I can tell when he is lying (even if I don't have proof) and when he tells the truth. 

Obviously tonight is one step on a long, windy road and there are never guarantees aside from building a history of right actions over time. Right now, he is willing to do whatever it takes. I will never begin to take for granted that sentiment however. Is there a limit to how much we should talk about everything? I mean, as time proceeds is it good for me to keep reminding him to be faithful or does that backfire eventually? My dearest thanks again!


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

totallyunexpected said:


> He says that in the future if their is ever the slightest temptation his plan is to 1) think of my feelings, 2) think of his mother's disappointment, and 3) go home and pray before returning to the situation.


It sounds like a plan. I applies to any self (and others) destructive behavior. Maybe a little card in the wallet would help.


----------



## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

What sort of card in his wallet are you suggesting? Please explain! Thanks Acabado.

This Black Friday we went to the mall together. He has been very sweet all day today. Still, after buying a bunch of yummy perfumes and lotions, I suddenly felt that ugly empty feeling (probably imagining him imagining other girls in the lingerie) and said I wanted to go home.

On the car ride I began shedding tears, and then in the house I wailed at him in rage,

"Three times you promised your fidelity to me. One when you married me. Two after I caught you using online chat rooms to connect with other women. And three now, telling me that this time is different.... You ruined my belief in true love, that you were my soul mate, that soul mates exist. You ruined the idea of love. You ruined me and stole my innocence. I'm only 26 years old but I feel many more decades worn." 

And then I just balled and he held me and tried to get our recently adopted dog to give me kisses. I'm thankful that he is being patient each time my heart flips out in a rage - so far. As Beowulf said in the thread "Understanding Pain", it is as if he has died. The man I loved who I married is no longer sleeping in my bed. He is gone forever. Just like when someone dies, you keep wishing that you could wake up and realize it was all a dream.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

About the card? Was half joking thinking he could print his 3 points plan. Maybe using it as a cellphone's screensaver. Or PC, instead the old post it warning against chat rooms!


----------

