# She wants out, I want her to stay



## Idonthaveagoodusername (May 26, 2016)

So I'm new to this site, looking for advice or input... I'll try n keep it short. Been married almost 7 years have 2 kids... When we got married we lived in the same town as all her family, we moved and for a short time lived close to some of my family. Then we moved to a location where we knew nobody..(for work).. She is very social as where I am not,i knew it was tough for her but I thought I was doing the right thing, my thought was we would grow together and grow a bond to rely souly on each other, strengthen our marriage.. Well I was wrong.. She left and moved back home filed for divorce, it never went thru she came back and wanted to get back together but said I had to move with her back to her town, so I did. Shortly after she had a bad wreck and was in hospital, surgeries and was in a wheel chair for about 3 months them to a walker, I thought I was super supportive thru it, she said I was her family was impressed.. So we bought a house, got her a new rig and now here comes the topic of her wanting to separate again, she isn't happy... Not gonna say I don't have problems cuz I do, I'm only human but am trying to work on my issues and our marriage, she says I'm an amazing guy who does everything for her that I ask and work and she stays at home with the kids.. I do not want a divorce, I'm completely fully in love with her, I believe that we r suppose to b together.. Idk what to do, any ideas? Ask questions if it would help with advice. Thank u.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

What is her reason for wanting divorce? What are the issues you own?


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Did she say why she is unhappy? 
What do you think your issues are?


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## Idonthaveagoodusername (May 26, 2016)

So to describe me, I stress about stress before there is stress to stress about, worry too much and over think situations. I need love and affection, need to feel loved and wanted..

She wants out cuz she is unhappy, she says she feels bad but doesn't know y she isn't happy and doesn't feel this is what the idea of life should b...

I'm sure there is a couple issues of my own I'm missing but that's what comes to mind off hand...


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Why do you believe you are suppose to be together?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

She wants out. It's iut if your control. Accept it, and don't let her keep playing with your emotions.

Acceptance is the hard part. No contact is the only thing that helps. None of any kind. She will say things that will make you hopeful and put you back in hell.

Whatever her reason, what's important is you've got to let her go, and although it takes time, you WILL be happy again.
So sorry, I know how it feels.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Idonthaveagoodusername (May 26, 2016)

MarriedDude said:


> Why do you believe you are suppose to be together?


I believe we r suppose to b together partly on a religious view.. I believe God put us together cuz that's what He wants for us... That's my belief and don't want to seem like I'm pushing that on anybody else..


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## Idonthaveagoodusername (May 26, 2016)

EnjoliWoman said:


> What is her reason for wanting divorce? What are the issues you own?


Other issues I have is insecurity, I'm fairly needy in the aspect of needing that loved feeling, that affection.. So if I'm feeling like I lack that I panic and over think and say things to get her to say something positive back so I can hear it from her, I know it's wrong and have improved on not doing that...

For example something like, "idk how much u even love me it doesn't feel like u do.." So in turn she will tell me she loves me...


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## Idonthaveagoodusername (May 26, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> She wants out. It's iut if your control. Accept it, and don't let her keep playing with your emotions.
> 
> Acceptance is the hard part. No contact is the only thing that helps. None of any kind. She will say things that will make you hopeful and put you back in hell.
> 
> ...


Thank you.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Idonthaveagoodusername said:


> Other issues I have is insecurity, I'm fairly needy in the aspect of needing that loved feeling, that affection.. So if I'm feeling like I lack that I panic and over think and say things to get her to say something positive back so I can hear it from her, I know it's wrong and have improved on not doing that...
> 
> For example something like, "idk how much u even love me it doesn't feel like u do.." So in turn she will tell me she loves me...


And this need to reassure you constantly has got to be very tiring and demanding on her. No matter how much she reassures you this minute you are not going to be satisfied and you are going to be needing reassurance in the next few hours. She sees you as needy and demanding. Which in turns makes her feel useless for even trying and she gets unhappy. Very bad cycle.

You know God wants you to be happy. I believe that in life people comes and goes to teach you a lesson. Not every marriage is going to last. 

If she wants to go, there is nothing you can say to her to change her mind. Change you first and find the new upgraded version of yourself. Maybe, she will react to that.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Consider that pushing her to stay is going to make your neediness worse because you'll know she wants out, so you'll constantly have anxiety and be badgering her to prove she loves you. 

But it will never be enough unless she comes to you of her own free will. Even when she did come back it wasn't enough. 

Neediness is exhausting. You've got to get help for that. 

And your belief is that this is what God wants; on what do you base this? Is it because it supports what you want? Does she agree with this? 

You can't make someone want you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

brooklynAnn said:


> And this need to reassure you constantly has got to be very tiring and demanding on her. No matter how much she reassures you this minute you are not going to be satisfied and you are going to be needing reassurance in the next few hours. She sees you as needy and demanding. Which in turns makes her feel useless for even trying and she gets unhappy. Very bad cycle.
> 
> You know God wants you to be happy. I believe that in life people comes and goes to teach you a lesson. Not every marriage is going to last.
> 
> If she wants to go, there is nothing you can say to her to change her mind. Change you first and find the new upgraded version of yourself. Maybe, she will react to that.


You gotta know OP, constantly looking for reassurance is not attractive....right?

Its usually the other way around. Why would you give ao much control over your self image to another person? Its your life, you're just allowing her to ahare in your adventures....no woman wants to be your mom (other than your actual mom), why force her to be that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Idonthaveagoodusername said:


> Other issues I have is insecurity, I'm fairly needy in the aspect of needing that loved feeling, that affection.. So if I'm feeling like I lack that I panic and over think and say things to get her to say something positive back so I can hear it from her, I know it's wrong and have improved on not doing that...
> 
> For example something like, "*idk how much u even love me it doesn't feel like u do*.." So in turn she will tell me she loves me...


I really can't imagine saying something like that to my wife...I mean...beyond the serious mocking i'd get (deservedly so), she would probably wonder why i haven't noticed the facts...i.e., she's there everyday, we have a life together, all the things she does...etc..

say it out loud...several times...maybe you will realize...it's rather insulting. Your telling her she doesn't show you love. When, if you think about it...odds are, she has been showing you, everyday, for YEARS


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Idonthaveagoodusername said:


> I believe we r suppose to b together partly on a religious view.. I believe God put us together cuz that's what He wants for us... That's my belief and don't want to seem like I'm pushing that on anybody else..


Yeah, well ok I don't think you're pushing anything on anyone but as far as this athiest is concerned putting your marriage in God's hands and hoping for the best is about the worst thing you can possibly do.

Your first post is all about you. Go back and count the 'I's in your post.

This thing isn't about you at all. It's about your wife, and what she wants, which is out. 

She's not some sort of inanimate object that you want to keep playing with. You don't want to put the toy back in the closet, and i get that. She has a mind of her own, and unfortunately for you, she wants to be someone else's toy. 

And there's not a God damn thing you're going to be able to do about it.


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## philreag (Apr 2, 2015)

Sorry you are here. A lot of us have been where you are.

If she wants out there is nothing you can do. You do not want to be with someone who does not want you.

How has your sex life been lately? Have you got the "I love you but not in love with you" yet?

Detach now, work on yourself, it's probably your only option.

You will receive a lot of good advice here. Heed it.

Good luck and be strong. It will get better.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Idonthaveagoodusername said:


> She wants out cuz she is unhappy, she says she feels bad but doesn't know y she isn't happy and doesn't feel this is what the idea of life should b...


That's what my ex wife said.

After she got herself a boyfriend on the side.


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## Idonthaveagoodusername (May 26, 2016)

philreag said:


> Sorry you are here. A lot of us have been where you are.
> 
> If she wants out there is nothing you can do. You do not want to be with someone who does not want you.
> 
> ...


Yea I've been told she still loves me but isn't in love with me anymore.. 
Sex life has been down and when we do she doesn't seem into it...

No I surely don't want to b with somebody that doesn't want to b with me..


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## Idonthaveagoodusername (May 26, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> Consider that pushing her to stay is going to make your neediness worse because you'll know she wants out, so you'll constantly have anxiety and be badgering her to prove she loves you.
> 
> But it will never be enough unless she comes to you of her own free will. Even when she did come back it wasn't enough.
> 
> ...


I'm not pushing her to stay, I'm not begging for it, she knows that I want to work through it.. As far as my religious beliefs, I read the Bible, go to church, was raised as a Christian... Her belief goes more to the fact that she knows it's not the religious thing to do but doesn't care. 
I don't use that belief for what I want, I try and do the right thing all the time, not try and take the fun way or easy way out but the right way...


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## Idonthaveagoodusername (May 26, 2016)

MarriedDude said:


> brooklynAnn said:
> 
> 
> > And this need to reassure you constantly has got to be very tiring and demanding on her. No matter how much she reassures you this minute you are not going to be satisfied and you are going to be needing reassurance in the next few hours. She sees you as needy and demanding. Which in turns makes her feel useless for even trying and she gets unhappy. Very bad cycle.
> ...


I'm well aware that it's not attractive nor am I proud of it on any level, embarrassing to b honest... I don't understand what u mean by giving someone so much control over self image??


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I love you but I'm not in love with you. 

7 years married. 

Recent trauma. 

Needy husband. 

She's cheating. I promise you this. I know you don't believe it. She's not like that. What you don't get is I've read this story hundreds of times. It's all part of the standard script.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It dies t matter, but I was suspicious of cheating from your first post. But it doesn't matter. I truly think that once a woman decides she doesn't love a man--- she never changes her mind regardless.

You will hurt. You will grieve the loss. You will accept she's gone. Then, you will start getting better. 
So sorry about this. 

I've been through it. Worst event of my life. Worst 2 years of my life. It still hurts. But unlike the first year where I wished I wouldn't wake up the next day, I now look forward to life again. 

I hope you keep posting. It helped me. It helps to talk to other men who have been through this. Be strong, sir. You're not alone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Idonthaveagoodusername (May 26, 2016)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I love you but I'm not in love with you.
> 
> 7 years married.
> 
> ...


Crap...i was worried about that, n I do believe it cuz it wouldn't b the first time it happened..


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## Idonthaveagoodusername (May 26, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> It dies t matter, but I was suspicious of cheating from your first post. But it doesn't matter. I truly think that once a woman decides she doesn't love a man--- she never changes her mind regardless.
> 
> You will hurt. You will grieve the loss. You will accept she's gone. Then, you will start getting better.
> So sorry about this.
> ...



Yea it pretty much sucks but thanks for the input


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## Idonthaveagoodusername (May 26, 2016)

So anybody have any helpful tips that's worked better than not on moving on?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Idonthaveagoodusername said:


> Crap...i was worried about that, n I do believe it cuz it wouldn't b the first time it happened..


Wait, so she's cheated on you before, or you've been cheated on by someone else in the past?

If she's a repeat offender, then it really is time to stick a fork in this marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

Idonthaveagoodusername said:


> Crap...i was worried about that, n I do believe it cuz it wouldn't b the first time it happened..


Dude, this is the most significant piece of information you've provided.

My guess is that you swept a prior affair under the rug and niced her back into the relationship. As you're now seeing, that is a failed strategy.

If your wife did cheat in the past and if she is doing so now what would you want to do? Reconcile? Divorce? Would an emotional affair do as much damage as a physical one? Give this board some info and what you want to do and you'll get some great advice.

~ Passio


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## Idonthaveagoodusername (May 26, 2016)

Idyit said:


> Idonthaveagoodusername said:
> 
> 
> > Crap...i was worried about that, n I do believe it cuz it wouldn't b the first time it happened..
> ...


Since we have been together she has been with 2 other people.. I want a great marriage, I love being married.. I think that's where some insecurities come from on my part cuz I wasn't always like that. 

It's hard to put that behind u, maybe I'm just in denial, or have un realistic standards for marriage.. 

On the other hand Idk if I could mentally put it behind me if she was cheating again... That would probably do it.. As of now without knowing if that's what is going on, I want to stay married..


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## philreag (Apr 2, 2015)

Sorry but she is a serial cheater and will not change. I hope you do not have kids.

See a lawyer, kick her out, and start the divorce.

I too am a Christian and God doesn't want you to stay with an unfaithful person.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Idonthaveagoodusername said:


> Other issues I have is insecurity, I'm fairly needy in the aspect of needing that loved feeling, that affection.. So if I'm feeling like I lack that I panic and over think and say things to get her to say something positive back so I can hear it from her, I know it's wrong and have improved on not doing that...
> 
> For example something like, "idk how much u even love me it doesn't feel like u do.." So in turn she will tell me she loves me...


In other words, YOU ARE WEAK AND NEEDY.

Women HATE needy men.

Women have to respect their men, out of STRENGTH. You are showing nothing but weakness, not strength. 

Have you read No More Mr Nice Guy? That should be your first job to do.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Idonthaveagoodusername said:


> Since we have been together she has been with 2 other people.. I want a great marriage, I love being married.. I think that's where some insecurities come from on my part cuz I wasn't always like that.
> 
> It's hard to put that behind u, maybe I'm just in denial, or have un realistic standards for marriage..
> 
> On the other hand Idk if I could mentally put it behind me if she was cheating again... That would probably do it.. As of now without knowing if that's what is going on, I want to stay married..


Your wife is a serial cheater and you have allowed her to be. The mess you are in is a mess of your own making my friend. Twice she has strayed and twice you have taken her back. why should she respect you? I agree with the others that she is probably in an affair right now. 

There is nothing about this woman that should hold you to her. She is not faithful and it is clear from your story that she does not love or respect you. Why would you want to waste the rest of your life on such a person? 

And by the way, God allows divorce due to infidelity. So don't use religion as an excuse as to why you two should be together. 

Let her go and find a woman who will meet your needs and respect you.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Idonthaveagoodusername said:


> Since we have been together she has been with 2 other people.. I want a great marriage, I love being married.. I think that's where some insecurities come from on my part cuz I wasn't always like that.
> 
> It's hard to put that behind u, maybe I'm just in denial, or have un realistic standards for marriage..
> 
> On the other hand Idk if I could mentally put it behind me if she was cheating again... That would probably do it.. As of now without knowing if that's what is going on, I want to stay married..


We teach people how to treat us. 

You have taught her, through your inaction, that she can rip your heart out and smash it on the concrete and you will do nothing but beg her to stay. 

I'm sorry my friend, but you have a very naive and immature view of what constitutes love and marriage. What you have is neither.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Idonthaveagoodusername said:


> Since we have been together she has been with 2 other people.. I want a great marriage


I think we can safely put that particular aspiration to rest.

At least with your current wife.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She's cheated before, looking for a better partner. She's finally found him (in her mind), so NOW you're getting the ILYBINILWY speech - because now she's ready to replace you. Nothing you can do about that. But you CAN read NMMNG and learn how to be a strong man for your kids.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

She sounds unhappy with her own life, and thus keeps running back to you, then ending it, etc...repeating a cycle that she thinks will find her the happiness she needs. Don't think it's personal, it sounds like it's something internal that she's battling, maybe depression maybe something from her childhood that she hasn't reconciled, etc. But, my thoughts are that no matter what you might do or say, you'll both arrive back at the same point you're at now, which is her unhappiness. I'd let her go, mourn the loss, and then rebuild your own life. Sorry for your struggles.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You do need to understand that being a doormat is very unnattractive to a woman. Doing to much in a marriage will just get you no respect and taken advantage of.

Read it:
http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=AwrB..._Guy.pdf/RK=0/RS=EO3xyqJ_lIib7NinSFJs5fN_Pdg-


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## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

Your wife views you as the sap who will always be there. She doesn't have to do anything to keep you and she can leave you, screw somebody else, and be 100% assured that you will be right there to take her back. Stop putting up with the disrespect. Don't you have more respect for yourself than this? Your wife committed adultery multiple times, has never cherished you as a husband, and could care less about your marriage and kids. All she wants to do is chase some false sense of happiness that she will never achieve because she is so messed up as a human being. Leave her my friend. She needs to be by herself.


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