# We're both unhappy, wife said she's done but I can't let go



## jj jones (Mar 17, 2011)

This is going to be lengthy so I apologize in advance. I will try to condense where possible.

My wife and I met almost seven years ago. She was a friend of my brother's girlfriend at the time and we were set up on a lunch date. From that first date, we were inseperable. We did everything together. We both adjusted our work schedules, so we could be together all the time. We dated for about a year, got engaged and planned a wedding for the following August. We found out in January 2006 that she was pregnant, so we moved the wedding up to March 2006. We bought a house a few months later and our son was born in August of that year. For the next year and a half, we were an extremely happy family. 

In early 2008 things started to change. After our son was born, we had some financial challenges. We had taken on credit card debt while my wife stayed home for the months after he was born. We made it a priority to pay this debt off. But we had to make sacrifices we never really had to consider prior to home ownership and having a child. My wife works for a large supermarket chain and received a promotion to management around this time. Thankfully, it almost doubled her salary but she also went from working a set/40 hour a week schedule to a varied/50-60 hour a week schedule. At that point, I essentially became our son's primary caregiver. I would get up every morning, get him ready for daycare (which is at my place of employment), go to work and then go get him from daycare every day. There were plenty of nights and weekend days where it was just the two of us as my wife was working. This allowed my son and I to grow very close but my wife and I to grow very much apart. Any romance or physical contact in our relationship was gone.

We had some very rough months and decided to seperate in May 2008. Her parents have a guest house, which she moved into. Our son stayed with me most days and with her on her days off. This lasted for about a month and a half before I had enough of our seperation. I went to her, we had a very emotional talk and she moved back in. We really recommitted ourselves to each other and to raising our son. 

The next year or so was great. We were able to get ourselves in a good financial situation and we decided we wanted to have another child. Our daughter was born in the summer 2009. We now had two wonderful children and were very happy. Unfortunately, its seemed like an intimacy we had just went away. Sex was rare after that. If was like our libido died after our second child. We both had let ourselves go a bit and we thought this was the main factor of our lack of intimacy. We both joined a gym and completely changed our diet. I lost about 50 pounds and got in great shape. My wife lost 100 pounds and looked as good as I ever remembered. 

It helped a bit but it also seemed like the weight loss changed her. Beginning in the summer 2010, I felt like she was a different person at times and she started acting like I wasn't good enough for her. I tried to improve in areas I could. I got a promotion at work and it help get us in an even better financial situation. But it seemed like no matter what I did, it was never good enough for her. For the last year, we've had on-and-off good months and bad months. We would have a huge fight, have a rough couple days or weeks and then go right back to normal. It felt like our marriage was a rubberband that was being stretched out as far as possible but never broke. The last few weeks have been extremely rough. The worst I can remember. It always seems like our arguments are over little things but it's just a lot of them.

And then last night, the rubberband broke. I decided we needed to talk and I needed to know what was going on. She told me it was over. She doesn't love me anymore, she hasn't for a while. She hoped that we could have worked it out but she doesn't have feelings for me. She said she cares about me but more like in a way you care about a friend not a partner. I asked her what I need to do to keep our marriage together and she said there isn't anything I can do. She wants to figure out our financial situation and what we do with the house.

I am in a state right now that I have never experienced in my life. I am numb today. All I can think about is her and our marriage. I need her so bad and I can't have her. I don't know what to do. I feel like she is preparing for her life without me and all I can think about is I can't imagine living without her. We've had our troubles but I always loved her.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Get yourself a counselor. Get an an exercise program. Get enough sleep and make sure you eat well. Know where all your financial records are. Google "marriage builders 180" and follow this program. You are in for some turbulent times and your success depends on your being in your best physical, mental and emotional states all together. This is also a good time to start going to church if you don't already
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jj jones (Mar 17, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Get yourself a counselor. Get an an exercise program. Get enough sleep and make sure you eat well. Know where all your financial records are. Google "marriage builders 180" and follow this program. You are in for some turbulent times and your success depends on your being in your best physical, mental and emotional states all together. This is also a good time to start going to church if you don't already
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks for the advice. I'm 31 and I'm probably in the best shape of my life. I spend about an hour a day exercising. The financial records is what we're in the process of doing now.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

JJ. This sounds like its an internal thing. I believe your wife doesn't love you because she doesn't love herself. She has issues she is running from. Love is a choice. You choose to love someone. The emotions of that come 10 steps behind the action. Pick up the book "winning your wife back before it's too late" by gary smalley. There is a personal journey in this you must take. I think both of you should shelve the "divorce" for the time being and get into fixing what is broken inside yourselves. You could be very well surprised where that process leads you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Do a little snooping too, 90% of the time there's another person involved especially with women because it takes a lot for a woman to leave the security of a marriage. Very few can pull that off without a backup in the wings.


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