# Shaming…



## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

There have been a couple of threads lately that make me pause. I generally think I’m a live and let live kinda person. So I ask this sincerely.

Why is it when someone says nope that behavior, fetish, kink etc. isn’t for me it is considered shaming someone? In that same vein why do people insist that until someone has tried a certain behavior, fetish or kink they shouldn’t have an opinion about it? I know simply for myself what turns me on and what turns me off without having to do it. 😂🤷🏼‍♀️

Thoughts?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

It's not shaming.

The issue is with the people who are naming it shaming.

Everything is an offense these days. Roll eyes.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

i know what you talk of , 
and yes if you are not politically correct you are wrong , 
if you don't agree with everything you have no right to say 
but it seems that both side think they have to say it over and over again 
if one was to say 
"THIS IS NOT SEXY OR IT DOES NOTHING FOR ME" 
the other does not except their right to say so 
I think it goes south when both sides say the same thing 20 times like as if they are going to change the mind of the other 

I tend to get tired of a topic when it gets dragged out to many pages saying the same thing over and over , 
if the debates starts to go around and around it is better to shut the topic and let it die and the two posters that have added 3 pages to the topic fighting over which one called the other stupid proves just how stupid they are


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Livvie said:


> It's not shaming.
> 
> The issue is with the people who are naming it shaming.
> 
> Everything is an offense these days. Roll eyes.


Also could be the fact that these days if you disagree with anyone you are labeled a bigot/sexist/racist/hateful. 🙄


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

We’ve had this type of shaming going on for decades. It starts very young now with the hyper sexualization of our youth. Teen girls are shamed for being a virgin, and we’re told that we’re shaming a woman if we call out extreme promiscuity. This is all part of the shaming that’s meant to lead to new normals. “What you’ve never been in a threesome? OMG, what are you a nun?” If you get women to debase themselves, many men will cheer it on in the hopes of getting access to easier more wanton sex.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Nobody is shaming anybody in that thread. It's called a debate.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Numb26 said:


> Also could be the fact that these days if you disagree with anyone you are labeled a bigot/sexist/racist/hateful. 🙄


I suppose that perhaps that is part of the equation. I am personally none of those things. Well I am hateful sometimes. 😂
I just think when it comes to sexuality specifically we all know what we like and dislike. I am a supporter of gay rights but I’d rather not think about it because it’s not my cup of tea. If I found out a man I was sexual with was bisexual it would be a deal breaker for me. Not because I think it is wrong but for me it would a sexual turn off. Same thing with a recent thread about long fingernails on a man. That’s a hard no for me. It’s not because I don’t believe one has a right to do it but rather it’s sexually unappealing. 🤷🏼‍♀️


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

In Absentia said:


> Nobody is shaming anybody in that thread. It's called a debate.


I disagree. 😉


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> I suppose that perhaps that is part of the equation. I am personally none of those things. Well I am hateful sometimes. 😂
> I just think when it comes to sexuality specifically we all know what we like and dislike. I am a supporter of gay rights but I’d rather not think about it because it’s not my cup of tea. If I found out a man I was sexual with was bisexual it would be a deal breaker for me. Not because I think it is wrong but for me it would a sexual turn off. Same thing with a recent thread about long fingernails on a man. That’s a hard no for me. It’s not because I don’t believe one has a right to do it but rather it’s sexually unappealing. 🤷🏼‍♀️


yes but some people have said many times that the nails are a turn off and the same people said 
the dirty dildo was a turn off , 
like as if you has to be told many times , lol


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Torninhalf said:


> I disagree. 😉


That doesn't surprise me...


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

frenchpaddy said:


> yes but some people have said many times that the nails are a turn off and the same people said
> the dirty dildo was a turn off ,
> like as if you has to be told many times , lol


Well no 2 humans are alike so I suppose we all need to keep that in mind.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

In Absentia said:


> That doesn't surprise me...


I’m sure. 😂


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

we have many different cultures on here ,


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## Cici1990 (Feb 22, 2021)

My husband and I have been talking about this in relation to transgender people. Some people take offense and will even call you transphobic if you say something like “I would not want to date a transgender man.” Well, I’m a straight woman and don’t want to date a transgender man. I just love penises too much. I mean, sexually I need a real penis that shoots live rounds, you know? That turns me on. I could think you are the greatest person in all other regards, but I don’t think a full, romantic relationship can be successful and satisfying for both parties if I’m not sexually turned on and fulfilled by my partner and his body. I don’t think I should be called transphobic simply because I’m not sexually attracted to the genitalia (whether altered or not) of a transgender man. Sorry, but the genitalia is important to me and my sexual experience!


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Cici1990 said:


> My husband and I have been talking about this in relation to transgender people. Some people take offense and will even call you transphobic if you say something like “I would not want to date a transgender man.” Well, I’m a straight woman and don’t want to date a transgender man. I just love penises too much. I mean, sexually I need a real penis that shoots live rounds, you know? That turns me on. I could think you are the greatest person in all other regards, but I don’t think a full, romantic relationship can be successful and satisfying for both parties if I’m not sexually turned on and fulfilled by my partner and his body. I don’t think I should be called transphobic simply because I’m not sexually attracted to the genitalia (whether altered or not) of a transgender man. Sorry, but the genitalia is important to me and my sexual experience!


You transpobe you!!! Hahaha


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

i think the subjects have been well debated in the respective topics
and we don't need to drag them up here again to beat the subjects to death 

but the one on the transgender man men I have not seen 
and I do agree with the rule that transgender women can not race against women


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Cici1990 said:


> My husband and I have been talking about this in relation to transgender people. Some people take offense and will even call you transphobic if you say something like “I would not want to date a transgender man.” Well, I’m a straight woman and don’t want to date a transgender man. I just love penises too much. I mean, sexually I need a real penis that shoots live rounds, you know? That turns me on. I could think you are the greatest person in all other regards, but I don’t think a full, romantic relationship can be successful and satisfying for both parties if I’m not sexually turned on and fulfilled by my partner and his body. I don’t think I should be called transphobic simply because I’m not sexually attracted to the genitalia (whether altered or not) of a transgender man. Sorry, but the genitalia is important to me and my sexual experience!


I absolutely agree. Just like I could not be married to a man that finds other men sexually attractive or has has sex with other men.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> I absolutely agree. Just like I could not be married to a man that finds other men sexually attractive or has has sex with other men.


 i could not get married to a man even if he found me sexually attractive lol


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> I suppose that perhaps that is part of the equation. I am personally none of those things. Well I am hateful sometimes. 😂
> I just think when it comes to sexuality specifically we all know what we like and dislike. I am a supporter of gay rights but I’d rather not think about it because it’s not my cup of tea. If I found out a man I was sexual with was bisexual it would be a deal breaker for me. Not because I think it is wrong but for me it would a sexual turn off. Same thing with a recent thread about long fingernails on a man. That’s a hard no for me. It’s not because I don’t believe one has a right to do it but rather it’s sexually unappealing. 🤷🏼‍♀️


Same view as yours on this. 
I support other one´s prefferences while I still stand for my personal ones.


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## Cici1990 (Feb 22, 2021)

I think in one of the other threads that’s being referenced here, one of the issues is that the OP didn’t provide enough information to fill in some holes (pun not intended, but I just giggled). Based on the information provided, it sounded as if the OP believed that her husband was bisexual or gay simply because he used a dildo anally. We need more info to confirm it but that was the impression that was given. I think that’s what several posters were trying to tell her - that many straight men enjoy anal stimulation and it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s attracted to men. Because it’s seemed to be one of the main sticking points for the OP, not that she was simply turned off by him using the dildo on himself. They were trying to point out that men using dildos or some other toy anally wasn’t really all that uncommon to maybe let her know that her husband probably isn’t actually some sort of gay sexually deviant freak. It didn’t sound as if anyone was trying to say she SHOULD be turned on by the idea of him using the dildo. And yes, I think to many of us divorce sounded like a bit of an extreme reaction to a man using a dildo but 🤷🏼‍♀️


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## Cici1990 (Feb 22, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> i think the subjects have been well debated in the respective topics
> and we don't need to drag them up here again to beat the subjects to death
> 
> but the one on the transgender man men I have not seen
> and I do agree with the rule that transgender women can not race against women


I’m not aware if there are any threads or posts on TAM regarding dating transgender people. I think we can all have a pretty good idea about how that would go here. My husband just informed me recently that you are considered transphobic by some if you say you do not want to date transgender people. Neither of us want to date transgender people because I suppose we are just too transfixed by biologically real, working genitalia, but we support transgender rights. I was not previously aware that I might be called transphobic because of this.I generally rely on my husband to keep me informed of this stuff so I don’t make some sort of social blunder. We do live in California afterall.....


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## Cici1990 (Feb 22, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> I absolutely agree. Just like I could not be married to a man that finds other men sexually attractive or has has sex with other men.


I know we have our differences torn, but I completely understand your perspective on this one. I can understand how it could be a turnoff and I do not think you are hateful or closeminded for feeling this way. As I’ve stated, my husband has had sexual experiences with men. He’s attracted to men and women. It does not bother me personally but I would never tell another woman that they should feel the same way I do about it.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Cici1990 said:


> I know we have our differences torn, but I completely understand your perspective on this one. I can understand how it could be a turnoff and I do not think you are hateful or closeminded for feeling this way. As I’ve stated, my husband has had sexual experiences with men. He’s attracted to men and women. It does not bother me personally but I would never tell another woman that they should feel the same way I do about it.


Your last comment about transgendered puzzled me. If your husband is bisexual and enjoys you pegging him which you have stated y‘all have done why would biologically real genitalia (or the lack thereof)be an issue for him? Certainly you don’t have a real working penis do you? 🤷🏼‍♀️


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## Cici1990 (Feb 22, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> Your last comment about transgendered puzzled me. If your husband is bisexual and enjoys you pegging him which you have stated y‘all have done why would biologically real genitalia (or the lack thereof)be an issue for him? Certainly you don’t have a real working penis do you? 🤷🏼‍♀️


He doesn’t enjoy me pegging him. It’s something we tried many years ago, more for me and my own curiosity, not him. I didn’t really enjoy it either. So it’s just something we’ve tried in the past, not something we currently do or enjoy. My husband enjoys real vaginas on woman and real penises on men.

Just because you are bi or gay doesn’t mean you’re automatically ok with having sex with a transgender person. It’s really a completely separate thing.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Cici1990 said:


> I think in one of the other threads that’s being referenced here, one of the issues is that the OP didn’t provide enough information to fill in some holes (pun not intended, but I just giggled). Based on the information provided, it sounded as if the OP believed that her husband was bisexual or gay simply because he used a dildo anally. We need more info to confirm it but that was the impression that was given. I think that’s what several posters were trying to tell her - that many straight men enjoy anal stimulation and it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s attracted to men. Because it’s seemed to be one of the main sticking points for the OP, not that she was simply turned off by him using the dildo on himself. They were trying to point out that men using dildos or some other toy anally wasn’t really all that uncommon to maybe let her know that her husband probably isn’t actually some sort of gay sexually deviant freak. It didn’t sound as if anyone was trying to say she SHOULD be turned on by the idea of him using the dildo. And yes, I think to many of us divorce sounded like a bit of an extreme reaction to a man using a dildo but 🤷🏼‍♀️


yes I saw that topic , but the op has not posted in days and the amount of crap that has been posted with people on both sides saying many do use and others saying it never happens 
and all I know is not thanks as a few posters said exit only but if a op has not the interest to fill in the blanks why do so many think they must force their ideas c I don't need someone saying it is a must to try it

I think what ever happens between two concerting adults in the bedroom should stay in the bedroom , and 
I think no one knows what happens in another persons bedroom or where ever they do it as long as they don't do it in public , 
I don't think there is a conspiracy by the left to turn everyone into cheating bi and dildo using men ,wife sharing , swinging bdsm, 
all have their place 
yes there are some that are into all types of kinks 
and I am happy for them to talk about it in a topic that is about that 
but I don't need someone saying it is a must to try it
but we all so get people that do ask for advice on some of these kinks and we get the none 
kinkers jumping in saying some very hurtful things and calling them demons or shaming them and by their words shaming others that are reading it 

so yes there are two sides and both are good in turn in making snowballs


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Cici1990 said:


> He doesn’t enjoy me pegging him. It’s something we tried many years ago, more for me and my own curiosity, not him. I didn’t really enjoy it either. So it’s just something we’ve tried in the past, not something we currently do or enjoy. My husband enjoys real vaginas on woman and real penises on men.
> 
> Just because you are bi or gay doesn’t mean you’re automatically ok with having sex with a transgender person. It’s really a completely separate thing.


I get how different it is. I honestly thought that you had mentioned that y’all enjoyed pegging. I know you have a plethora of toys that you have mentioned multiple times so I made a bit of a leap. 🤷🏼‍♀️


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Cletus said:


> So let's look at a couple of those replies -
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I am stating in both these comments what a turn off it would be for me. Like you said I never told the OP what she should do. I said what I would feel and do.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

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## Cici1990 (Feb 22, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> I get how different it is. I honestly thought that you had mentioned that y’all enjoyed pegging. I know you have a plethora of toys that you have mentioned multiple times so I made a bit of a leap. 🤷🏼‍♀️


An easy leap to make. I found sort of being in control fun and trying different things that put me in control sometimes but overall the strap on was not a huge turn on for us. My husband doesn’t really enjoy fake penises in his butt or those fake vagina/mouth male masturbation toys on himself either, even though I’ve tried to convince him to let me try those on him.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Cletus said:


> If I had posted those quotes, what would you have interpreted them to mean? Am I wrong, not being you, for seeing it the way I did, from my perspective, not inside your head?


I would expect you to interpret them exactly as I mean them. If it was me that is how I would feel. We have all kinds of people here with all kinds of kinks and fetishes. We all have our opinions about them as to how they relate in out own lives.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Cici1990 said:


> An easy leap to make. I found sort of being in control fun and trying different things that put me in control sometimes but overall the strap on was not a huge turn on for us. My husband doesn’t really enjoy fake penises in his butt or those fake vagina/mouth male masturbation toys on himself either, even though I’ve tried to convince him to let me try those on him.


So Mr. Cici only enjoys real vaginas and penises. Duly noted. 😁


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> I would expect you to interpret them exactly as I mean them. If it was me that is how I would feel. We have all kinds of people here with all kinds of kinks and fetishes. We all have our opinions about them as to how they relate in out own lives.


why stop in the middle of a sentence and let out the part about shoving your thoughts in a forceful manner lol


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

frenchpaddy said:


> why stop in the middle of a sentence and let out the part about shoving your thoughts in a forceful manner lol


I don’t understand your comment.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

I see many posts on here that I feel don't seek to ascertain what the OP is asking, or make judgements about what they have posted. Some responders ask questions well to try to establish facts and help the OP in forming their own opinion and solving their own problem, some seem to project their own opinions forcibly and do seem 'shaming'. 
Sharing experiences, having a respectful healthy debate on a topic is fine, but sadly I see many responses are not this.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

MarmiteC said:


> Sharing experiences, having a respectful healthy debate on a topic is fine, but sadly I see many responses are not this.


Even the worst of responses are quite tame considering the nature of this being a completely anonymous public forum.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I fail to see how stating how you yourself would feel is "shaming".

For instance. If I replied on a thread that if I found my partner was drinking a bottle of wine every night and it was a total turn off, because I don't drink, and that my views if him would be changed, would that be alcohol shaming? 🤔

No. I'd be stating what I find as a turn off.

Shaming would be if I went off about what a terrible awful depraved person he was for drinking.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Livvie said:


> I fail to see how stating how you yourself would feel is "shaming".
> 
> For instance. If I replied on a thread that if I found my partner was drinking a bottle of wine every night and it was a total turn off, because I don't drink, and that my views if him would be changed, would that be alcohol shaming? 🤔
> 
> ...


Well…I got a DM saying I was shaming for starters and then a long diatribe about how I shouldn’t knock it till I tried it kinda thing…


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Torninhalf said:


> Well…I got a DM saying I was shaming for starters and then a long diatribe about how I shouldn’t knock it till I tried it kinda thing…


Holy ****! 

That's kind of an invasive message. I wouldn't be happy about that.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

I am the only person on TAM who doesn't know which thread is indicated by "the other thread". 

As an example, I would consider "Sex with the lights on is perverted and only done by whores" to be shaming, and "I don't care for sex w/ the lights on" to not be shaming.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> Well…I got a DM saying I was shaming for starters and then a long diatribe about how I shouldn’t knock it till I tried it kinda thing…


IMHO disagreeing without being disagreeable is becoming scarce. The anonymous nature of the internet makes it easy to be disrespectful. We are all really strangers to one another in this medium.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> Well…I got a DM saying I was shaming for starters and then a long diatribe about how I shouldn’t knock it till I tried it kinda thing…


did the person use their normal account or was it one of their other accounts


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Cletus said:


> Which is, of course, almost impossible for any two people to accomplish.
> 
> 
> 
> I'm not here to win an argument. Only to provide feedback on why what you wrote might be seen as shaming to some. It did to me, rightly or wrongly. And no, I did NOT send a PM to that effect. I didn't even comment on it until this thread popped up.


Then my sincerity apologies.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Torninhalf said:


> Well…I got a DM saying I was shaming for starters and then a long diatribe about how I shouldn’t knock it till I tried it kinda thing…


Call them out


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

SpinyNorman said:


> I am the only person on TAM who doesn't know which thread is indicated by "the other thread".
> 
> As an example, I would consider "Sex with the lights on is perverted and only done by whores" to be shaming, and "I don't care for sex w/ the lights on" to not be shaming.


well holy god you have lights in your house , and I thought it was bad when we leave the curtains open to let in the street lights


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Cletus said:


> Excellent, and thanks. You were not the worst offender by far - at least you didn't accuse the man of living a secret gay life because of his self-pleasuring choices.


 the worst part of that topic is that the op posted and then never came back so no matter what was posted it was for nothing as she did not give much info and a lot of people added to what she said


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> There have been a couple of threads lately that make me pause. I generally think I’m a live and let live kinda person. So I ask this sincerely.
> 
> Why is it when someone says nope that behavior, fetish, kink etc. isn’t for me it is considered shaming someone? In that same vein why do people insist that until someone has tried a certain behavior, fetish or kink they shouldn’t have an opinion about it? I know simply for myself what turns me on and what turns me off without having to do it. 😂🤷🏼‍♀️
> 
> Thoughts?


WHOOOOOOOOOO BOY!!!!

A new Torninhalf thread? MY FAVORITE!!!

To me, the answer is fairly simple. People want to normalize what they do. They want to feel accepted by the majority. They don't want to be an outcast. Attacking someone by saying they are "shaming" allows them to normalize what they do because the majority is always going to think shaming is "bad". It's the same reason why fat people say that anyone that notices their weight is "fat shaming". No it's not. Being grossly overweight is extremely hazardous to one's health and causes the rest of our insurance premiums to go up. 

In my opinion, who cares? If I do something out of the ordinary that most people don't do, who cares? People worry way too much about what others think. I care about what my loved ones and people that I respect think of me. That's about it.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

frenchpaddy said:


> we have many different cultures on here ,


True, and when one grew up like the Waltons/Cleavers, like I did, one tends to walk around with their jaw dropped a lot. It’s weird when a person is raised a certain way, and saw it as a norm in the culture growing up, and then somebody throws that instruction book away.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I’ve made my thoughts about marriage pretty clear on TAM. Am I marriage shaming? I don’t think so because I’ve been married before, twice actually. So I have first hand, personal experience. Now, since I’ve never actually shoved a dildo up my ass, maybe I’d be better served by not commenting on a thread of that nature?

I think the issue is that far too many people comment on threads that they have no experience to draw from. Time to


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## Cici1990 (Feb 22, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> the worst part of that topic is that the op posted and then never came back so no matter what was posted it was for nothing as she did not give much info and a lot of people added to what she said


This happens often around here, I’ve noticed.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Cletus said:


> So let's look at a couple of those replies -
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Interesting perspective. Definitely gave me pause, but in the end, I have to disagree - but only from a subjective thought process, not objective. I read both of Torninhalf's replies as more "funny" than being "serious" strongly worded replies. I like TAM. People are open here. As such, I think their personalities show brightly. The more I read Torninhalf's comments, the more I understand her personality. She doesn't like the back door. I gathered that much, but it just sounded like she got that point across in more a joking manner. That's just the way I see it. 

I personally want to sample the backdoor before I die. Just once. I'm to damn curious and my sex life with my wife has been on fire as of late. Might as well strike while the iron is hot! 

So that puts me in a position where Torninhalf and I do not agree. Do I have less respect for her now? Absolutely not. Does she have less respect for me? Maybe, but I doubt it.


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## Cici1990 (Feb 22, 2021)

Cletus said:


> There's a word for it, but reciting it out loud has magical ban powers against the user.


I know the word, but that wasn’t even what I was referring to. I’ve noticed people will comment and infer quite a bit that the OP never actually said and then it snowballs quickly.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

i grow up in holy Catholic Ireland went to study in holland and Denmark where we walked down the red light area 
and after our teacher and a pimp called to her and said mammy we give a deal to big families , 
and married a woman that lived in Germany and Switzerland where they had uni sex changing rooms and skins night clubs then mover to France where we have a club for swingers in every town and you get asked in the school are you the farther of the two children and if it is ok for your wife to collect both kids together , and all types of questions


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I think what got the negative comments going was the fact that it was poop covered.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Cletus said:


> This is why, when I have to have a conversation with a peer, I walk over to their desk rather than phone or email. We are supposed to grok deeper meaning than the limited words on the screen, but so much is lost in translation.
> 
> I sympathize with TIF. I too like a little hyperbole to punctuate an opinion that can easily be misinterpreted. For myself, I have learned to keep that impulse in check, at least here.


Well said. 

Also, I'm dying to know the special insta-ban word. I'm afraid this ignorant old fool doesn't know what can and cannot be said in the forums. It especially bothers me that the people I enjoy hearing from the most tend to get banned the most, and I never see one thing they've said that would necessitate a ban.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

The secret word is troll.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Benbutton said:


> Even the worst of responses are quite tame considering the nature of this being a completely anonymous public forum.


That's probably true, but I suspect most people come here for help when they feel they can't get it elsewhere. We never know what state the person is in on the other side of these pages. I don't want to be the one to push a donkey over the edge.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Cletus said:


> When someone makes a single hit-and-run post with highly flammable content, they are living under a bridge. It's against the forum rules to call them out, even when EVERYONE knows what's going on.


😂😂😂😂😂😂

brilliant. Much appreciated.

those who live under a bridge.

I think that will keep me smiling the rest of the day.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Torninhalf said:


> There have been a couple of threads lately that make me pause. I generally think I’m a live and let live kinda person. So I ask this sincerely.
> 
> Why is it when someone says nope that behavior, fetish, kink etc. isn’t for me it is considered shaming someone? In that same vein why do people insist that until someone has tried a certain behavior, fetish or kink they shouldn’t have an opinion about it? I know simply for myself what turns me on and what turns me off without having to do it. 😂🤷🏼‍♀️
> 
> Thoughts?


Two modern words/phrases I really don't like are 'shaming' and 'empowering'. Both are misused and as you say, disagreeing or not liking something isn't shaming. 
Like you I know perfectly well what I do and do not like, and often here people will say well how can you know if you have never tried it......yes I know believe me.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Cici1990 said:


> even though I’ve tried to convince him to let me try those on him.


Haven’t tried the anatomy proxy ones but my wife has tried the Tenga products on me before. It was ok. I think the first time she tried it she had more fun with it than I did.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

LATERILUS79 said:


> I personally want to sample the backdoor before I die. Just once. I'm to damn curious and my sex life with my wife has been on fire as of late. Might as well strike while the iron is hot!


Just guessing here but you’ll probably like it. It was good IMHO but not enough to be worth the effort versus other things. I got a few days of mind movie spank off material out of it.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

MarmiteC said:


> That's probably true, but I suspect most people come here for help when they feel they can't get it elsewhere. We never know what state the person is in on the other side of these pages. I don't want to be the one to push a donkey over the edge.


Admittedly I don't read every single thread and post on TAM, though the ones I have read I would hardly characterize as being offensive. I think for the most part people to get helpful advice, some more passionate than others tend to drive their points home more fervently. We can't forget that when reading posts we are unable to experience one's inflection which can lead to misinterpretation, or coming off more offensive than intended.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Cletus said:


> Which is, of course, almost impossible for any two people to accomplish.
> 
> 
> 
> I'm not here to win an argument. Only to provide feedback on why what you wrote might be seen as shaming to some. It did to me, rightly or wrongly. And no, I did NOT send a PM to that effect. I didn't even comment on it until this thread popped up.


It really sounds like you are trying to win an argument by tell torninhalf how she shouldn’t express herself.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Benbutton said:


> Admittedly I don't read every single thread and post on TAM, though the ones I have read I would hardly characterize as being offensive. I think for the most part people to get helpful advice, some more passionate than others tend to drive their points home more fervently. We can't forget that when reading posts we are unable to experience one's inflection which can lead to misinterpretation, or coming off more offensive than intended.


You have a point there. I guess people post as they are characterwise. I feel passionately about things and strongly about things so that's how I post. My husband for example is very laid back so his posts would reflect that.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Torninhalf said:


> There have been a couple of threads lately that make me pause. I generally think I’m a live and let live kinda person. So I ask this sincerely.
> 
> Why is it when someone says nope that behavior, fetish, kink etc. isn’t for me it is considered shaming someone? In that same vein why do people insist that until someone has tried a certain behavior, fetish or kink they shouldn’t have an opinion about it? I know simply for myself what turns me on and what turns me off without having to do it. 😂🤷🏼‍♀️
> 
> Thoughts?


Written words are not perfect and without hearing the tone can be easily interpreted as harsh or whatever. There's lots of stuff shared on here that I find totally repugnant. I usually just don't participate and keep getting an eyeful when that's the case unless there is some ancillary reason I think I should. 

I may know a thread you're talking about, and if it's that one, there was even attempted shaming for even writing on the thread, which is nuts. 

I'm guilty of this myself, and maybe this will help me be more cognizant, but you should always consider if there was anything in the OP's posts that wanted to know if other posters found it repulsive personally to begin with or if it was never an invitation to share that you're throwing up a little in your mouth but was instead aimed at those who had experience with that subject some way. 

There are ways to state your stance on something without making it seem like the only right stance. But again, writing is imperfect. What is written with humor may read as a personal attack at times.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Written words are not perfect and without hearing the tone can be easily interpreted as harsh or whatever. There's lots of stuff shared on here that I find totally repugnant. I usually just don't participate and keep getting an eyeful when that's the case unless there is some ancillary reason I think I should.
> 
> I may know a thread you're talking about, and if it's that one, there was even attempted shaming for even writing on the thread, which is nuts.
> 
> ...


You are quite right. I suppose we all must take care since the written word lacks nuance at times.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Torninhalf said:


> You are quite right. I suppose we all must take care since the written word lacks nuance at times.


I try to read my posts back right after I post them, but I should be doing it before I post them!!


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I try to read my posts back right after I post them, but I should be doing it before I post them!!


Yeah….I get that. 😂


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I mean I might be old but this is an anonymous forum where people are asking for help or opinions. If you come on and say, “I’m doing such and so abnormal behavior is this reasonable?” I think it’s valid to point out the behavior is abnormal and maybe it’s not reasonable at least for some. That’s literally what is being asked.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

ccpowerslave said:


> I mean I might be old but this is an anonymous forum where people are asking for help or opinions. If you come on and say, “I’m doing such and so abnormal behavior is this reasonable?” I think it’s valid to point out the behavior is abnormal and maybe it’s not reasonable at least for some. That’s literally what is being asked.


I agree. We see hundreds of post about infidelity. I think my wife is cheating. I just found out my husband is screwing his secretary. In those case we give our opinions and our experience. We have posters who have not experienced infidelity saying I would leave him. I would divorce her. I’m not sure how it is different in the posts I am referring to. While I have no issue to what people do behind closed doors if you are going to bring it here you are going to get a wide variety of opinions.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Torninhalf said:


> I agree. We see hundreds of post about infidelity. I think my wife is cheating. I just found out my husband is screwing his secretary. In those case we give our opinions and our experience. We have posters who have not experienced infidelity saying I would leave him. I would divorce her. I’m not sure how it is different in the posts I am referring to. While I have no issue to what people do behind closed doors if you are going to bring it here you are going to get a wide variety of opinions.


Opinions once yes…but trying to drive your view in by repeating yourself many times doesn’t bode well, nor does it serve its intended point. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Sexuality is different from most other human endeavors because it is openly irrational. For example someone doesn't need a "reason" to be attracted to men and not women, or vice versa. Its not something derived from some rational series of thoughts, its just how they are.

This can wander into territory that is otherwise very off-limits. Its quite possible for someone to be attracted by some ethnicities and put off by others. In most cases this would likely be seen as "racist" behavior, but I think sexual attraction is beyond someone's control - they just happy to find group A attractive, and group B not.

As far as sexual acts, a similar thing applies. People like and dislike certain activities, and for some people, some activities others engage in can be quite disturbing. 

If you are not involved romantically with someone, I think it is only polite to hide your distaste for their sexual interests (as long as those interests are not harming anyone of course). 

If you are involved in a relationship, it gets very complicated. Certainly its OK to decline to engage in sexual activities you don't like, but is it OK to express to your partner that you are disturbed by their (fantasy or masturbatory) interests? 

My feeling is that a lot of people have a lot of things that they want to keep private, so where possible in a romantic relationship, I'd try not to express concern over anything your partner does in private.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

I used to be a few notches under a guy in my department that liked to say something and then follow it up with, “mmm kaaayyy?” He also would repeat himself constantly and the way it came across was that we all were just too stupid to get it the first time. 

We have the written word here and there is no excuse for anyone that really wants to know how a particular poster feels, that he can’t scroll back and see. There’s no need to just keep pounding a thread about how you feel about a certain situation. 

If you get triggered…step back and breathe. Everyone has an opinion and they are entitled to it. That doesn’t give them the right to shove it down someone’s (everyone’s here) throat.

It took me some time to realize when I was triggered here and when to back off and take a break. Sometimes I still walk the line but I’ve yet to be banned so I must be doing something right. lol 

Whew! WORDS…. that was a lot of WORDS. I hate it when that happens 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

uhtred said:


> My feeling is that a lot of people have a lot of things that they want to keep private, so where possible in a romantic relationship, I'd try not to express concern over anything your partner does in private


Not so sure about that. What if your partner is a Jared level pedo? May be doing that in private but probably needs a visit from the cops.

As for other things, if you’re sticking a realistic fake dong up your butt and attempting to hide it, maybe you’re wanting it to be a real one. 

Yeah there’s nothing wrong with that by itself, but if your partner isn’t into it then it’s not really by yourself as there is another person who has some claim on your sexual activity and thoughts who is involved.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Elizabeth001 said:


> Opinions once yes…but trying to drive your view in by repeating yourself many times doesn’t bode well, nor does it serve its intended point.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Which happens all the time in every way possible. I mean, every thread about cheating has the same cheating victims repeating themselves, but hey, it's a new poster, so that's going to happen.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

uhtred said:


> Sexuality is different from most other human endeavors because it is openly irrational. For example someone doesn't need a "reason" to be attracted to men and not women, or vice versa. Its not something derived from some rational series of thoughts, its just how they are.
> 
> This can wander into territory that is otherwise very off-limits. Its quite possible for someone to be attracted by some ethnicities and put off by others. In most cases this would likely be seen as "racist" behavior, but I think sexual attraction is beyond someone's control - they just happy to find group A attractive, and group B not.
> 
> ...


Sure, why not? If men can base decisions on if they want to be in a relationship with a woman based on sexual things she's done in the past, her "interests", why can't, for instance, a woman be disturbed and turned off by a man's "interests"??????


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Livvie said:


> Sure, why not? If men can base decisions on if they want to be in a relationship with a woman based on sexual things she's done in the past, her "interests", why can't, for instance, a woman be disturbed and turned off by a man's "interests"??????


^^^This


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Cletus said:


> I guess you didn't interpret my posts the way they were intended ...


So should I do like yourself and argue until I get an apology from you?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

I’m going to go back to the original post:



Torninhalf said:


> There have been a couple of threads lately that make me pause. I generally think I’m a live and let live kinda person. So I ask this sincerely.
> 
> Why is it when someone says nope that behavior, fetish, kink etc. isn’t for me it is considered shaming someone? In that same vein why do people insist that until someone has tried a certain behavior, fetish or kink they shouldn’t have an opinion about it? I know simply for myself what turns me on and what turns me off without having to do it.
> 
> Thoughts?


Live and let live is not repeatedly stating and emoting your personal opinion on why something is gross to you. It is stating your personal opinion and then trying to be a little open minded and realizing that not everyone shares your opinion & not getting upset when those opinions clash with yours. That runs into shaming, which is your original question, no? 

If you haven’t experienced something then you truly have no knowledge to council those who do or are thinking about doing it, etc…or tell them how nuts they are about even THINKING about….hmmm…skydiving let’s say. Or perhaps you might say “I think you’re nuts for trying it”.

Me personally, I would never want to jump out of a plane. Who am I to continually tell someone that they are effing nuts if they choose to do so? Or how stupid they are for taking such a risk and jeopardizing their life, family, health for doing so? 

You might state your opinion and let it go with a “good luck with that”. I love me some sarcasm 

BUT…taking things personally and continuing to drive your personal opinion home is of no help to anyone, mostly yourself. This was my previous point. In a forum like this, when you find yourself disgusted and upset with a post or poster, it’s better just to step back and let it go. I think if one doesn’t, we tend to tread into the area of shaming and that isn’t helpful to anyone, mostly ourselves. 

I feel like I’m rambling but my hope is that you will ingest some of that so we regulars can stop asking the mods how long you’re banned for “this time”. I think you have a lot to offer here and a lot of peeps like you so it would be sad to see you not learn where the line is and never be allowed to come back again.

I’m thinking about 3 little stars for some reason…

Peace  


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

All I gotta know is... what does TIF stand for?


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

heartsbeating said:


> All I gotta know is... what does TIF stand for?


Torn In halF? 

lol…I’m going to bed. Night night TAM 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Cletus said:


> Shorthand for TornInhalF - because I can't tell H from F and I'm to lazy to use the @ symbol.


Ain't no shame in that game.

Cheers for explaining.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I agree with a lot of what's been said. Having a different opinion to someone, or something they do not being something you'd do is not judging or shaming.

I have a gay brother, I have gay friends. I don't however want to be married to a gay man. Obviously.

I'm all for live and let live - transgender peeps, cool - I'll go get my nails done with you, we'll go dress shopping, no worries. But don't tell me he's pregnant. Because that's not possible. Don't be ridiculous about it.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Cletus said:


> Nope. TIF didn't do anything requiring an apology and neither have I. So don't hold your breath.
> 
> Now if you'd like me to agree that you might interpret these as parallel situations, sure. I'm already on record as to the ambiguity of the comments here.
> 
> ...


Yes, because everyone has an “agenda” on here when they disagree with you. “Agenda”, your favorite word.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

RebuildingMe said:


> Yes, because everyone has an “agenda” on here when they disagree with you. “Agenda”, your favorite word.


Have you ever visited the Social Spot section?


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

I have a slightly different take on all of this. When people use language against something that could be construed as “shaming” (sex act, male fingernail length, female partner count) they are basically saying they have a strong aversion to those things. That is much different than “personally not my cup of tea”. If a person came on and said their spouse was upset about “whatever” issue and everyone just replied “well it isn’t for me, but you do you” then that person would walk away from TAM feeling that their spouse had no legitimate reason to be upset. Voicing an opinion with strong aversion language sends the message that to some people the issue is a big deal, for some it is a really big deal.

Does that language feel good to read? No. The level of **** shaming on this site sometimes is amazing, and yeah, it has in the past hurt my feelings a time or two. I now know that some posters wouldn’t touch me with another poster’s ****. My husband doesn’t have an aversion to my past- he married me knowing - but he does occasionally struggle with it. If I didn’t read the strong aversion language on here I probably would’ve just told him to get over it. But now I can have empathy for his struggle without being apologetic for who I am.

I think “shaming” posts add value when not repeated over and over in the same thread.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Bluesclues said:


> when not repeated over and over in the same thread.


Ding!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

Someone wants to know - What is a "fake dong?"

If you don't know - should you be ashamed? If want one up your behind - should you be ashamed?

Side note - went looking one day for something to add some variety to the bedroom - on Adam & Eve.

Jeez - something for everybody! Some of it a bit scary and some just plain someone looking for a laugh.
The earlier post about men wanting stuff shoved in their behind - look on A&E and you will find lots of stuff
and some of it intended for the female gender - like a butt-plug with a long cat-like furry tail? If you are a guy-type
and want to 'wear' a cat-tail butt-plug - should you be ashamed?

Is adding variety to your repertoire in the bedroom with some of the odd offerings to be 'shamed' ??!!

I think the ones who should be "shamed" are those who pejorative (ize?) the term applying it to anything for which
they don't approve. (things like pulling wings off live flies should be shamed)


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I still like those long nails. Maybe I'm secretly gay.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> I still like those long nails. Maybe I'm secretly gay.


 so what if you are , 
there are some that find out too late that they are it is what to do when you find out is important, 
no one can say you must do x because they are judging from their life experience and not yours , 

we often judge others and think they are gay living in hiding but that is just us judging others which has nothing to do with us 

a bit like the topic on the royal family and their bed hopping


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

frenchpaddy said:


> so what if you are ,


I'm not gay, but I if I were, I would definitively be afraid of the shaming for wearing my nails long, with a nice fuchsia colour...


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> I'm not gay, but I if I were, I would definitively be afraid of the shaming for wearing my nails long, with a nice fuchsia colour...


 it would cross my mind if we met and you had long nails with fuchsia color but if they are very long I WOULD NOT GAY BUT MORE INTO DRAG


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Torninhalf said:


> Well…I got a DM saying I was shaming for starters and then a long diatribe about how I shouldn’t knock it till I tried it kinda thing…


The site allows you to manage your PM settings. If you don't want a pm shaming you for supposedly shaming someone, set them accordingly. 

Now, I'm going to shame @Cletus: You deleted your posts which interfered with my reading pleasure. Shame on you!  Fortunately, some posters captured your words of wisdom so I wasn't left totally in the dark.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Now, I'm going to shame @Cletus: You deleted your posts which interfered with my reading pleasure. Shame on you!  Fortunately, some posters captured your words of wisdom so I wasn't left totally in the dark.


What a shame...


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## Twodecades (Apr 4, 2021)

As usual, @Torninhalf, you raise an interesting question. I do think people tend more and more to say they want tolerance of XYZ when really what they mean is they want approval of their opinion, and they take rejection of their preferences or behavior as a rejection of them as a person. I can dislike or disagree with a person's choices and still like the person. Or respect the person. Or show respect for the person.

No one likes to feel attacked, but if our sense of identity is based off of others' approval of the choices we make, we tend to get defensive when someone disagrees with us. Especially when it comes to sex, as it is so personal. Jmho.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Torninhalf said:


> There have been a couple of threads lately that make me pause. I generally think I’m a live and let live kinda person. So I ask this sincerely.
> 
> Why is it when someone says nope that behavior, fetish, kink etc. isn’t for me it is considered shaming someone? In that same vein why do people insist that until someone has tried a certain behavior, fetish or kink they shouldn’t have an opinion about it? I know simply for myself what turns me on and what turns me off without having to do it. 😂🤷🏼‍♀️
> 
> Thoughts?


We're all judgy little ****s, it's human nature. We make judgment calls as part of survival all the time, whether it's fair or not. Since we're not running from apex predators anymore, that judgment is now turned on each other to keep everyone "in line" with social conventions. 

It's something I think about when I hear people discuss what "normal" is. Honestly, I don't ever see this changing, especially if we stay within our little bubbles and don't mix with people who are different from us. 

Btw @ In Absentia dudes wore makeup and the full work a few centuries ago, maybe you were born too late. Though I gotta say, man, those nails would be hard on ladybits if you get my meaning...


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Isn’t “shaming” fun though- especially since we’re all anonymous anyway?


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