# I'm I stupid for trying again???



## Tootrusting123 (Jan 8, 2018)

My husband and I have been married for 25 years, together for 31. I never would have thought that he would cheat on me. For 3 months he was mean, drinking and coming home totally wasted and sleeping on the couch. Not every night but often enough. We own and operate a dairy farm which at times can be very stressful and lots of work. Our children are grown and out of the house.

The OW(****) who just lives down the road (.2 miles), lost her Husband a year ago (Drinking and Driving). She has 2 young kids My husband offered to let the youngest who is 10 come up to the farm and hang out.(Ride in the tractors and such). I knew of her reputation, and yes for 43 she is something to look at. (If you like the ****ty type who always wears the tight **** me pants). He took the kid home one night and never came back. I woke at 5 am to no husband. Worried that something happened, I got in the car and drove that way and sure as ****, he was there at her house. I went back home and milked the 150 cows and waited for his return. After beating the **** out of him, I threw him out. He wouldn't stay away and I let him come back home (3 days later). So sorry,sorry sorry. He confessed to making out and sucking her tits but no SEX.?? He said that he did it for the attention and that she listened to him. He wants to renew our vows.
Ready for the kicker, This was the same thing he said last time I found his secret cell phone and he was seeing an old high school sweetheart.( 2 years ago) But again, no SEX!! He truly believes that it's not really cheating if they don't have sex.

So for the last couple of weeks, I have been giving him the attention he wanted, sex at least once or even three times a day. Lets just say he's wore out. Before this happened we would have sex at least 2 times a week. It wasn't spectacular but we both seemed satisfied. So why??? I'm 47, sexy and like a good roll in the hay.
I'm not a mind reader but, I still feel that he did or still does feel something for her. I've lost all trust and respect. I am disgusted sometimes when I look at him. I have caught him lying to me several times since. I know that I need to move forward instead of backwards if this is marriage is going to work. Down deep in my heart, think I made a big mistake forgiving him this time.

Now that I have written this, I am ashamed to post it. Everyone knows of his infidelity and I look so stupid.
Oh, by the way I should add that I beat the **** out of the OW at the local feed store.>


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Glad to hear you beat the crap out of her and him. No assault charge though?


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

I think you should separate. This is the second time your husband has betrayed your trust. You took him back after three days and start having sex with him soon after. That’s why I think you need to separate yourself from him and the situation so you can see the forest from the trees. What you have together sounds toxic. 

I haven’t experienced infidelity but I could not bear to think of my husband wanting to be with another woman and being reminded every time I look at him.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

OP,

I wouldn't say "stupid" is the right word for trying. read around here and you may very well see it foolish. cheaters RARELY really repent and do what is needed to make the betrayed feel whole again.

Let me say decent people can do stupid things in the heat of the moment. we are all human. but i highly doubt that is what happened here. Sure, opportunity knocked and he took it. the question is, is this the end? is he even capable of recognizing what he has done? i highly doubt the begging and sorrow he is displaying at the moment is out of anything other than self preservation and not for the pain he caused you.

it wayyyyyy to early to even think about trying again. let him show you through his actions over time if that is even a possibility.


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## Tootrusting123 (Jan 8, 2018)

No charges, I would have like to give her a little more Rocky Balboa.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Not going to say you are stupid but serial cheaters rarely change. I suspect you know this though because you wouldn't even ask if you didn't. 

Here is your choice. 

Take the risk, and it's a big risk, all you have to do is read these sites to see that people who cheat repeatedly end up doing so over and over there whole life. The only the very rare change and it usually takes an Olympian type effort. Meaning years of total focus and then at least some focus for the rest of their lives. Being faithful is not in their nature so they have to continually focus on it. Sometimes they can go cold turkey for years in between. So the worst is the BS who it happened to in their 30s and 40s when they had the potential at the beginning of their lives to start over when the damage was minimal and instead are now in their 60's and are facing much a much harder reality. You even admit it happened to you. Big risk, especially when all that he has done is said he is sorry. 

OR

Kill your love (which take work but is perfectly doable, takes about a year) and hold out for a better man. If you want, read some of the posts by good men whose wives have done the same. Isn't it a shame that you didn't meet one of them. Maybe if you really try and make meeting a mate more analytical, meaning really work on signs to look for and what to avoid, you can find a guy like this. More like buying a car. By the way forcibly killing your love, which takes learning to prioritize your rational mind to control your emotional one is a big step as it give you the discipline it takes to avoid guys like this in the future even when you are attracted to them. I bet they would kill for a sexy 47 year old who is faithful and a good roll in the hay. 

So you tell me..


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## Tootrusting123 (Jan 8, 2018)

Thanks for the advice.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Tootrusting123 said:


> No charges, I would have like to give her a little more Rocky Balboa.


I like you already!


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

Honestly, there's no way he didn't have sex with both those affairs. And **** or not, she seriously could have had you thrown in jail for beating her up, him too.

And I would definitely dump his ass. Coming home drunk and mean for the last three months? This affair has been going on longer than you think.

I really hope you will get tested for STDs.


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## Tootrusting123 (Jan 8, 2018)

I have asked myself that question, am I doing this for love or is it stability. I know that leaving will take all of me. My older kids know of the A and they say "leave, you deserve better".


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

Tootrusting123 said:


> I have asked myself that question, am I doing this for love or is it stability. I know that leaving will take all of me. My older kids know of the A and they say "leave, you deserve better".



I hear you, but you know what?

I got dumped by my wife when I was 54 years old, and I am with a new person who treats me like I'm golden. 

The sex is the best and most frequent and adventurous I've ever had. Don't sell yourself short, Tootrusting.


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

I know dairy farming, I'm a Wisconsinite, and all my kin are dairy farmers.

Do you work outside the home, for insurance and extra income?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Tootrusting123 said:


> My husband and I have been married for 25 years, together for 31. I never would have thought that he would cheat on me. For 3 months he was mean, drinking and coming home totally wasted and sleeping on the couch. Not every night but often enough. We own and operate a dairy farm which at times can be very stressful and lots of work. Our children are grown and out of the house.
> 
> The OW(S_UT) who just lives down the road (.2 miles), lost her Husband a year ago (Drinking and Driving). She has 2 young kids My husband offered to let the youngest who is 10 come up to the farm and hang out.(Ride in the tractors and such). I knew of her reputation, and yes for 43 she is something to look at. (If you like the ****ty type who always wears the tight f___ me pants). He took the kid home one night and never came back. I woke at 5 am to no husband. Worried that something happened, I got in the car and drove that way and sure as ****, he was there at her house. I went back home and milked the 150 cows and waited for his return. After beating the **** out of him, I threw him out. He wouldn't stay away and I let him come back home (3 days later). So sorry,sorry sorry. He confessed to making out and sucking her tits but no SEX.?? He said that he did it for the attention and that she listened to him. He wants to renew our vows.
> Ready for the kicker, This was the same thing he said last time I found his secret cell phone and he was seeing an old high school sweetheart.( 2 years ago) But again, no SEX!! He truly believes that it's not really cheating if they don't have sex.
> ...


He’s lying.

They had sex.

And that probably wasn’t the first time.

Or the last.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Tootrusting123 said:


> I have asked myself that question, am I doing this for love or is it stability. I know that leaving will take all of me. My older kids know of the A and they say "leave, you deserve better".


I told my mother the same thing when she caught my father cheating.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Tootrusting123 said:


> I have asked myself that question, am I doing this for love or is it stability. I know that leaving will take all of me. My older kids know of the A and they say "leave, you deserve better".


I can relate my Mom once felt like you. I am curious where you have stability? He is a serial cheater so all you have is the allusion of stability, and a precarious one at that. Make no mistake life with a man like him means you will never truly be safe.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

Tootrusting123 said:


> I have asked myself that question, am I doing this for love or is it stability. I know that leaving will take all of me. *My older kids know of the A and they say "leave, you deserve better*".


Listen to the people that love you. Your husband ain't one of them, btw. 

You said in your first post that you know you made a mistake forgiving him....AGAIN. 
So my question is: How many times will it be the next time you catch him? (Yes, I didn't say next time he cheats but rather the next time he's actually caught).

You're 47 years old.....are you going to wait until you're 57, or 67 to figure out he's not changing?


Don't be afraid...you have adult children willing to support you and you own half of a business. Doesn't sound like a bad way or time to start something better for yourself.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Must feel overwhelming!

Destroying the family farm by divorcing. Lots of land,equipment,cows the whole thing sucks donkey balls.

Get all you finance figured out and go see a lawyer. See what your options are what the likley outcome might be.

Then make your decission.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Its the second time he has cheated that you know of, and because there were no consequences last time he did it again. He also now has a wife who is having more sex with him rather than kicking him out, so how has that turned our badly for him??? The reason he cheated isn't because you weren't having sex enough, it was because he has no moral values or integrity. 
Yes they are always 'sorry' when they are found out, strange that.

SO do you want to live with a cheater who will probably cheat again? 
I think you need to get some legal advise about the farm and other assets and see if you can stay there or whether its best you leave.


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> Its the second time he has cheated that you know of, and because there were no consequences last time he did it again. He also now has a wife who is having more sex with him rather than kicking him out, so how has that turned our badly for him??? The reason he cheated isn't because you weren't having sex enough, it was because he has no moral values or integrity.
> Yes they are always 'sorry' when they are found out, strange that.
> 
> SO do you want to live with a cheater who will probably cheat again?
> I think you need to get some legal advise about the farm and other assets and see if you can stay there or whether its best you leave.


This is so true, you just rewarded your spouse for cheating by giving him more sex.

I wish I could give you courage, Tootrusting.


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## thedope (Jan 3, 2017)

My response to the Topic 

YES.

You deserve better. 

"There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again."
-George W Bush


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Writing it out is different than living it sweetheart. Welcome to TAM. We will try to help you if you stick around. 

Don’t beat yourself up. That’s a very long relationship, and you have a lot of factors undoubtably. Reread your post, maybe even a few more times. What would you advise your daughter or best friend? You have a lot of living left to do. Choose how you will be the happiest. 

PS- He spent the night, they had sex. Sorry.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Listen to your kids!
That man is not marriage material.
The sheer disrespect in not coming home that night...

You do deserve better, and I hope you seek it.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You really need to google and research serial cheaters. Your husband is a serial cheater. There is almost no chance he won’t cheat again. Serial cheaters are hardwired to cheat. They can’t help it. He has probably cheated before and hasn’t been caught. He will almost certainly cheat again and possibly give you a disease.
You have seen how low he will go to get laid by banging a known floozey. Protect yourself and find a good man that deserves you.
Props for busting both of their asses.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Tootrusting123 said:


> So for the last couple of weeks, I have been giving him the attention he wanted, sex at least once or even three times a day. Lets just say he's wore out. Before this happened we would have sex at least 2 times a week.>


So, you know of at least 2 times this guy has cheated on you (and there are probably many times you *don't* know about) and your strategy is to _reward_ him by lavishing attention on his lying, cheating ass and giving him more sex then he knows what to do with?

Well, you've just taught him that he can go out and cheat on you and when he gets home, after you throat punch him, you'll jump all over the place knocking yourself out to please him every way you possibly can.

I think most guys would put up with the beating if they could get a gig like this one.



> Am I stupid for trying again???


Of course you are.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Before you decide whether you stay with this guy or not, there are some books that I think you would benefit from reading. They are all written by Dr. Harley. Read them in this order:

"Surviving an Affair"
"Love Busters"
"His Needs, Her Needs".

After you read them, insist that your husband read the last two with you and do the work that is laid out by the books. If he will do that, there is a chance that your marriage will work. The idea of the books is to restructure your marriage to make it as affair proof as possible.

Right now you are both flying by the seat of your pants. His are on fire and so a crash landing is predictable.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I agree. Read those three books before you decide anything. Question, though: why are you having so much sex with him?


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

turnera said:


> Question, though: why are you having so much sex with him?


Pick me dance?


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Unfortunately they did have sex. He is a two time cheater that you know of. Dump his worthless arse. You deserve a lot better.


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## Allura2.0 (Jun 14, 2017)

Here is my opinion. I am recently separated and getting a divorce. Same situation. I told him after the first time if he ever did it again I was gone. I meant it. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. There will NEVER be a third time. I won’t let that happen.

You have one of two choices:
Stay and you will continue on this emotional rollercoaster. He will do it again.

Leave and free yourself of a man that doesn’t care enough about you to stay committed to you. 

I hope you choose the 2nd path. It won’t be easy. Possible your husband has narcissistic tendencies. You have to see through people like that. Their apologies are hollow and fake. It’s meant to keep you in your place. They might be good for awhile but years down the road...this will happen again. I found that out the hard way. Get out while you can and while your still young. You might just find yourself empowered afterwards. 

Good luck! 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Some people choose to R when a spouse cheats the first time. Few do when a spouse cheats the second time. 

What you do is obviously up to you but keep in mind he's a serial cheater and they usually don't change.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Tootrusting123 said:


> He truly believes that it's not really cheating if they don't have sex.


*Your husband may or may not have had sex but let me address your question in general.
*


Graywolf2 said:


> Sexing is cheating.
> 
> However I’m like most men who think that a PA is much worse than an EA. If my wife was sexing a guy 1000 miles away I could give R a chance. If they touched each other it would be a deal breaker.
> 
> ...





Tootrusting123 said:


> The OW(****) who just lives down the road (.2 miles), lost her Husband a year ago (Drinking and Driving). She has 2 young kids My husband offered to let the youngest who is 10 come up to the farm and hang out.(Ride in the tractors and such). I knew of her reputation, and yes for 43 she is something to look at.


*My bet is that your husband isn’t irresistible to women. The OW’s motivation is to compete with you or she wants practical support from your husband.
*


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Don't be naïve, if he spent the night with her, they had sex. I would imagine the same is true of his old high school flame. You can take him back if you want, but know what you got, a serial cheater. I see no need to renew the vows, he didn't respect them the first time.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

get a small glass jar and a bunch of marbles. tell him that every time you catch him in a lie, no matter how small, you will drop a marble in the jar. if the jar ever gets full, you will divorce him. tell him that since he obliterated your trust, this is your light at the end of your tunnel. either he will decide to be honest and faithful from now on and work on himself to become that kind of person, or he will keep doing what he is doing and you will definitely be getting a divorce. 

nothing else, it is just a way for you to put a definitive end to the insanity you are living right now. just don't do it if you aren't willing to follow through.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

All that is keeping you from leaving him is 150 cows with big, udderly big sacks full of milk.

All the work will fall on you.

Your choices:

1) Divorce, get a new man, a local rancher. This takes time, good sense, and luck.

You sound like a catch, are good in bed. And you are a hard working women, wife.
You can give a good round house, knock em over punch.
If you find a new man, hide that side of you. It will scare em' off!!

2) Divorce, sell off your herd. Start over doing something else.
Something that allows you to travel, to go out and have fun.
Not to worry about 600 to 700 teats waiting to be pulled.

I know, I know you use special equipment and stalls.
But you must be there for them, your cows, your livelihood, your sacred duty.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Do you really want to be beating up women and your husband in your old age? I understand your anger, but to actually beat on them???

And why did you have superwoman sex with him for days after you beat him up for cheating?

For both of your sakes, if you are going to remain married, you both need individual counseling and marriage counseling.

While you look for counselors, get the books Elegirl suggested and read them together.

The other option is to divorce him. It will be easier now that 10 years from now.

eta: Sexually experienced adults don't spend the night together and do everything but sex....they had sex, he's just hoping you will believe his ridiculous story.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

Tootrusting123 said:


> So for the last couple of weeks, I have been giving him the attention he wanted, sex at least once or even three times a day. Lets just say he's wore out.


So you're rewarding him for cheating on you? Seems like a bad strategy. In the scheme of things, he has received almost no consequences for cheating on you. Now he's a repeat offender, which is to be expected.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Accept him as he is, a cheater. Stay or go. Your decision.


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