# Devastated: My ex-husband has a new girlfriend



## Bridget1981

First time posting here - I’m hoping to get some help for something that has happened to me this week.

My husband and I split up last summer. We had no children. We had been married for four years and he just seemed to withdraw after year two. We started fighting about the littlest of things and overall, things were pretty miserable. I really wanted kids with him, but he sort of always avoided the conversation and didn’t seem enthusiastic about it. He did tell me before we got married that he wanted them, but he started withdrawing from the idea as the marriage went on. He also started spending a lot of time at work. I got frustrated with him as time went on, and my disagreements led to me pulling away from him physically. So in year three of our marriage, sex really wasn’t happening and he was getting angry about that. We also had some financial issues. We had a really nice house, but we were "house poor”, and couldn’t afford to take many trips or spend much money on the weekends. 

Then came the day that we split up. A huge fight over the what we were going to do over the last 4th of July. Needless to the say the fight got out of control and later that night he asked to leave our marriage. Needless to say I was devastated. I begged for another chance, but he was pretty firm on his decision. I ended up filing the paperwork (he never got around to doing it). I got pretty depressed, but was able to turn things around by the time we actually divorced and felt like he was right. I confided in friends and family and I seemed to be in a better place by the end of the year.

Jump to now. I de-friended him on Facebook a week before our divorce was finalized last year. I admittedly looked at his profile a few times over last Christmas but things were pretty hidden and there was no activity it seems. But this week, I got curious again and what I saw was shocking. 

He has been dating someone since early January - they’ve even taken a few trips together - including one to California to visit his uncle. On top of that, she is REALLY pretty, thinner, and taller than myself. There are numerous photos of them together. I went to bed last night and cried my eyes out and called into work sick today. I can’t eat, sleep, or do anything.

I have feelings of jealously and anger. I have dated a few men since we split, but they weren’t good fits. So why am hurt so bad by this? I feel like I’m falling in love with him all over again, and I don’t know why. Has anyone gone through something similar? Is this normal?


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## Jellybeans

Normal for you to feel jealous/sad/upset. 

He was your husband, after all. But don't get hung up on what could have been or what he is doing now.

My advice is to block him on your FB so you don't have to see anything about him. Everytime you see him with this woman, it's going to make you feel bad until you heal so it is best to just not even look him up.

Some people move right into a new relationship post-divorce; some others need time. Focus on you. Busy yourself with things and don't worry bout what he is doing.

But yes, what you are experiencing, the feelings, are totally normal.


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## Bridget1981

Thank you.

It's strange because I didn't feel this way about him AT ALL until now. 

My husband even looks better than he did when we were married, it's almost like I don't know him anymore, but the familiarity is still there with him - and she's standing in my place in every shot. It is very hard to comprehend all of this.

I know he did not cheat on me. He was pretty honest and we kept good tabs on one another, but seeing him with her almost feels like he is cheating. 

I feel worthless. I feel like filing for a divorce was a mistake. I'm still crying.


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## Jellybeans

Bridget1981 said:


> It's strange because I didn't feel this way about him AT ALL until now.


It always strikes a nerve to see someone that you loved with someone else. Especially when you aren't the one who wanted to end it.

You are not worthless. He has actually done you a favor, though you can't see it now. It is better to be alone than married to someone who does not want to be married to you.

In time, you will see this.


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## Deejo

I had been separated for for four years, and then divorced for a year, when my ex discovered that I was in love with another woman ... her response was much like yours, and on top of it, she had a boyfriend. And I do believe part of her issue was also as you describe; the woman was gorgeous, thin, tall, and younger. I just figure it's human nature that nobody likes the feeling of having been 'replaced' and worse still, if in their mind, replaced by something more preferable. 

Feelings don't always make sense.

So here is what I can also tell you.

It doesn't last.

I'm not seeing that woman any more. My ex has a new boyfriend whom she loves dearly; they live together.

Find a way to extricate your sense of self and the arc of your life from the connection you once had with your ex-husband. Accept that there is likely a better match out there for you ... because there is. Conversely, come to accept that the same likely holds true for him.

My ex and I have a great relationship. We parent 2 young kids, so everyone benefits. But ... I have no delusions, that the man she is with now, is much better suited to how she operates than I was, or want to be. I'm genuinely happy for her.

Post here, reach out, maybe enlist some counseling.


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## Dollystanford

My ex moved his girlfriend into his new flat about three weeks after we'd split and went on FB telling everyone how he'd met his soulmate

It lasted about a year and now they hate each other - he's been through a few since, each more disastrous than the last.

I waited a little while and became comfortable with being on my own before I looked around a little. Now I've found someone I can see a future with and I'm very happy. The ex doesn't like it though 

Give yourself some time, block him from your social media and the thoughts will fade, promise


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## bandit.45

Dollystanford said:


> My ex moved his girlfriend into his new flat about three weeks after we'd split and went on FB telling everyone how he'd met his soulmate
> 
> It lasted about a year and now they hate each other - he's been through a few since, each more disastrous than the last.
> 
> I waited a little while and became comfortable with being on my own before I looked around a little.* Now I've found someone I can see a future with and I'm very happy. The ex doesn't like it though *
> Give yourself some time, block him from your social media and the thoughts will fade, promise


Thats awesome! :smthumbup:


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## Dollystanford

Hey Bandito 
I was in your state a couple of weeks ago


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## bandit.45

Dollystanford said:


> Hey Bandito
> I was in your state a couple of weeks ago


Did your hair dry out and get brittle?


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## LongWalk

Do you feel that the clock is running on your dreams of motherhood?

Did your sex life tank because of any particular conflicts?

Filing for divorce was not the mistake. Living with unresolved conflict was the killer of your marriage.

Hope you meet someone new. Keep posting.


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## indiecat

If you just split up last summer your feelings are bound to be very raw still. It's early days. 

The shoulda's and coulda's are still very much in place. 

It would be normal to be jealous, he's seemingly happily partnered and you aren't.......yet. 

Accept the feelings as natural and part of the healing process.


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## EnjoliWoman

I think that's very normal. I had to check out the woman ex moved on with even tho I was the one to end it. Although she seemed pretty average. Thinner than me but not necessarily prettier. 

Plus you can look back and it's easy to forget how awful some of the bad times were so the "what ifs" are rolling around in your head.


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## Bridget1981

LongWalk said:


> Do you feel that the clock is running on your dreams of motherhood?


Yes. I want kids very badly and I wanted kids with him, but just wasn't working out.



LongWalk said:


> Did your sex life tank because of any particular conflicts?


I had a Catholic upbringing. We did have premarital sex quite often, but after he proposed with decided to obstain for sex until marriage. I had depression and took meds to rectify my moods - but I think they killed my libido. He had a really high sex drive and would get upset when I turned him down. So we'd fight about that, and the cycle would continue. He also had a really bad temper, but would always apologize. 



LongWalk said:


> Filing for divorce was not the mistake. Living with unresolved conflict was the killer of your marriage.


He wanted out. I kept asking if was sure and he wouldn't budge on his decision - and he ignored me for two months after he asked to divorce and would not return my texts or phone calls until three or four days after I sent them. So he just stopped caring and disappeared. So I filed.



LongWalk said:


> Hope you meet someone new. Keep posting.


I have been on a few dates. Just not the right guys for me and I wasn't attracted to them.


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## larry.gray

Dollystanford said:


> Now I've found someone I can see a future with and I'm very happy. The ex doesn't like it though





bandit.45 said:


> Thats awesome! :smthumbup:


:iagree:

Good for you Dolly!


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## larry.gray

bandit.45 said:


> Did your hair dry out and get brittle?


I was in California last week, and can't believe how hot and dry it was there. I imagine you're in the same boat East of them.


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## stillhoping

My Ex of 28 years is now living with a woman, our age, thinner but not exceptionally pretty. I think the important thing to remember is that he didn't leave because of me, or at least not only because of me. He had major emotional issues which he was never able or willing to address and I ended up being set up as the bad guy, cause I wanted more out of our marriage, and he couldn't do it. It kills me, right now, she is on a family vacation with my sons, and the whole ex-in-law family. I should be there and it sucks being left at home. I have a great family of my own, many friends, but all I can think about right now is how all those people who supposedly loved me could so easily accept her and one of her sons, and go without me. I know they have no choice, but it still hurts. I loved them, I was a good daughter in law, sister in law, aunt. I unfriended even my own kids so I won't risk seeing any pictures. Feeling totally abandoned right now.


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## Mo24

EnjoliWoman said:


> I think that's very normal. I had to check out the woman ex moved on with even tho I was the one to end it. Although she seemed pretty average. Thinner than me but not necessarily prettier.
> 
> Plus you can look back and it's easy to forget how awful some of the bad times were so the "what ifs" are rolling around in your head.


hahaha. "thinner than me but not necessarily prettier". And women complain about being objectified.


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## stillhoping

True, I guess we do the same thing, don't we. I guess I am just trying to make sense of something that can't be made sense of. On my good days, I accept that this happened, it was out of my control and now my job is to learn to move forward, have a good life without that marriage, its just that something happens almost every day to remind me of what I lost. And not for nothing, but I came here today not feeling good about myself or what is happening, the judgement is NOT needed!


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## EnjoliWoman

Mo24 said:


> hahaha. "thinner than me but not necessarily prettier". And women complain about being objectified.


I have nothing else by which to judge her except she is as bad of a judge of character as I was!


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## stillhoping

I think that too, she won't ask much from him, he won't give it, they will be great. I wanted a partner, he couldn't do it, but I couldn't give up...yeesh, I understand why the marriage ended, I just don't understand why I wasn't worth fighting for, our future, our grandkids, retirement, all of it. I miss my family and I thought I was willing to put up with the loneliness of my marriage, but now I realize I was not a good partner either. If I had truly accepted it, I would have been pleasant and grateful, instead I was snarky and angry all the time. I do wish him peace, that is what he was seeking and didn't think he could find it with me. But guess what, he never even bothered to ask! Will be glad when this day ends, I just stuck here in misery! Good thing my girlfriends are taking me out tonight. ITs for my birthday, I think that is why this is all feeling so bad. The last time I went out with ExH was last year for my birthday, that won't be happening this year.


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## PBear

Ok, maybe I should start my own thread. But I'll post here for now. 

The time has come for me to start integrating my SO to the rest of my world. I thought it was only fair that I let my STBX know first. I don't want her hearing through rumors or from the kids (who will likely be the next to hear/be introduced to her). 

So... Any suggestions on how to minimize the hurt? Or am I overthinking things? FYI, we've been separated for three years, and there has been absolutely NO talk of getting back together. My daughter overheard me talking to my SO, so she knows I've been dating. Not sure if the STBX has been filled in on the fact. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stillhoping

I would suggest a short, casual meeting the first time with your kids, no pressure to get along for a long period. My ex forced my kids to meet his new girlfriend at his birthday dinner, trapped at a restaurant, and he didn't tell them she was coming til the last minute!


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## EnjoliWoman

I think you should break the news to the kids that you ARE going to get a divorce before you introduce the SO. Also let the kids know that you met the SO AFTER you separated. 

Then say you'd like them to meet her and depending on their ages choose an activity where they meet her but aren't STUCK with her. Like Chuck E Cheese (for under 10 crowd) or a restaurant where there is pinball and games so the kids can go off for a bit. 

OR wait til it's warm and have a cookout or a few hours at the park. You could have a game night where you eat appetizers/finger food for dinner (kids love that) and play their favorite board game (or card game like apples to apples). Or have the kids each invite a friend to spend the night but have a group movie. Then the kids can go off to their respective rooms with their respective friends and you and SO can have a night cap. 

I think having a distraction/buffer is good for the first meeting.


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## PBear

I'm not as worried right now about telling the kids. As I said, my daughter already knows I'm dating, and she's told my aunt that she's ok with that. She's 15, and my son is 13, btw. 

My curren concern is based on the thread topic. Is there any things I can do to minimize the hurt caused by telling my STBX that I'm seeing someone. After 3 years, I suspect it won't be a surprise or anything. But as this thread's OP describes, it's possibly going to be painful to hear. And even though it was my decision to end our marriage and there's nothing my STBX can do to stop me from dating, I'd prefer to do it in the most humane way. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stillhoping

That is thoughtful, I am not sure there is a way to lessen the hurt. I know for me, he told me personally. Then I learned he had moved in with her when he sent an email and changed his contact info to her house. Sucks either way


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## hereinthemidwest

Jellybeans said:


> It is better to be alone than married to someone who does not want to be married to you.
> 
> In time, you will see this.


AMEN :iagree:


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## hereinthemidwest

Serenity Prayer became my mantra for me durning break up and after divorce. Even thou I asked for a divorce. It's a normal feeling. And trust me it fades. Mean time STOP looking at his FB. 

The best revenge is to have better life. Keep your head up and smile he did you a favor. Now get out of the house and have fun. You have nothing tying you down. hugs


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