# What else is there to do?



## ThebrokenScot (Jul 15, 2012)

Me: 27
W: 25
OM: 36 - w/2 kids
I don't know all of the abbreviations yet but my wife kissed a guy 6-18-12 and has been having a long distance relationship with him since. I recently found out that she did some intimate things with him on Skype.

This is extremely long and I'm sorry for that...

Me and my wife dated for 5 years and have been married 2 of those. We got married partly because she was pregnant and me knowing he may not be mine because of a drunken bender she had around that same time. During the last year I've been in a program in college to be a physical therapist assistant and it's been really stressful trying to stay afloat. My wife has had issues before about depression. When we fought it was almost always about her going out after work and not letting me know. I've never talked down to her or laid a hand on her. 

For the majority we laughed, loved, and did things together when we could. She said that since the beginning of this year I haven't been there for her or paid attention to when she was in turmoil. She never communicated anything wrong when I would ask and I had to keep a certain focus so that I could better provide for her and our son. Well she started hanging out with a guy friend after work in June and one night after a motorcycle ride they kissed. She said its something that just happened and wasn't supposed to. Since then she has said that she can't stop talking to this guy and has been skyping/calling him whiles he's back on base in Alaska until next September (2013). Recently I overheard them say the "I love you baby". I've tried getting through to her that what happened between us is something that can be fixed with some work. I feel like I've catered to her since and I've been staying at my aunt and uncles and watching our son on weekends so she can work. She says she loves me but not in that way and she still cares about me, but she feels like he's her soul mate (which she said the same of us when we first starred dating). She doesn't really believe that relationships follow a certain dynamic. She doesn't see this guy as an escape from our stresses and right now he has 0 flaws. I haven't been too rash with anything but I'm realizing as I write this that divorce is inevitable as nothing that I have done is making any difference. She texted me saying: "I'm sorry that it went down this way.. and yes, I get that its wrong. I did wrong u... and yes that was a bad judgement call on my behalf. And I'm sorry . cuz I know its tearing ur heart apart. U didn't do anything wrong except not notice when I was in turmoil with evrything. And I do still care about u but I also kinda had this notion in my head that if I was cold, it would probably hurt more but would help u get over me faster. And again, I'm sorry. We DID have fun and enjoyed eachothers company. And maybe I am romanticizing. But I feel like I've never felt before. I physically hurt being away. But also, its not a super horrible thing to live in a broken home.. I never woulda had shane as a brother had my parents never split. Never woulda known terry. I have a huge family base. So its not devistating. Yeah he's not gonna know wuts going on for awhike but he's gonna be taken care of and loved. And I really really hope that u don't decide to skip out on connor."

I told her that I'd have to go away for awhile to figure things out and she became agitated that "I'm just running away from our son". I told her that she did this to us when she chose to throw our marriage away to be with a guy she really doesn't know other than what he tells her in texts, phone calls, and the brief week they had when this thing started.

I did break a rule of mine by contacting this guy recently saying: Firstly I want to apologize about my sister getting involved (she told him about being dishonorably discharged for conduct) and to know that she wont bother you anymore. Next, I need to ask you why are you wanting to tear up our family? I lost my job due to downsizing the same month I was accepted into my physical therapist assistant program and have been in school for the passed year so that I can actually provide for my family and be a better husband and father because of it. What little i got from unemployment helped with half of bills and rent, but it helped get us by. I would hope that you can understand that with that comes a massive amount of stress on top of our son being born the month I started. If I didn't stay on top of my coursework I couldn't have made it and with that the last six months I fell behind on being there for ****. It wasn't anything that we couldn't fix with some work and some time. **** took on a lot with work and our son, but i did what I could with as little as I had. What we were going through can leave anyone feeling trapped without a light at the end of the tunnel. It really does feel like you've taken our stressful time in both of our lives and used it for your own benefit. I love my wife and son, regardless whether or not he's biologically mine, and she's going through her own hell right now aside from where we're at during this present time. Can you break up a marriage that hasn't even been given the chance to work as well as tear apart our families?

So in light of this, what do you think? Do you think it's too far gone to ever have hope again? Do you believe that they will work out being based off an affair and long distance?
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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She knows she is doing wrong to you and your children, she knows she has broken your heart and what she proposes to do is to continue doing wrong you you and your children and continue breaking your heart.

She cares about one thing. It's not you, your heart or your children. The one thing she cares about is her pleasure.

I am so sorry for you. This is a hell of a situation. Do you have anyone you can talk with? A pastor, perhaps?


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

- Did you ever have a paternity test done? Do you _know_ if the kid is yours?

- Stop "catering" to her. She's made it crystal clear she is in love with the other man. And stop pleading. I understand that you don't want to lose the marriage, but your wife has all but thrown it away, anyway. You have nothing to lose at this point.

The other man is a scumbag. You reaching out to him to "explain" your situation is ridiculous. It makes it sound like you're pleading with _him_ to leave your wife and family alone. _He doesn't care_ about you or your family. He just wants to [email protected]#$ your wife. You waste your time and energy writing to him.

No, what your wife needs is _consequences_. Have you exposed her affair to her family? If not, _why not_? Have you had tests done to confirm that your kid is even yours? If not, _why not_? Your wife is perfectly capable of cheating, and the fact that she keeps throwing her son at you to guilt you into staying around is _highly suspect_. It's not something a decent woman would use as her shield, and makes me suspicious.

You are young. You've only been married for two years, and she's already cheated on you and wants to live with another man? No way, dude. There is nothing worth saving. Get a badass lawyer, and serve her up a nice plate-ful of divorce. She has no respect for you, and she will never have any respect for you until you *stand up for yourself*. Expose her to her family. Let her suffer consequences for infidelity. Hit her with divorce paperwork. Show her that you will not tolerate her bad choices and disrespect. Have a paternity test done. The boy may very well not be your own. You _need_ to know.

Take action, because pleading and begging are the #1 way to lose your spouse's respect and love.


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## ThebrokenScot (Jul 15, 2012)

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## ThebrokenScot (Jul 15, 2012)

I have a paternity test coming in the mail. And yes I've told her family but she doesn't know how much they know. I guess I thought she was just a different breed you know. Like there's more to it than this and you're right I do need to stand up for myself and have been until just recently. A text I sent her was "The woman I fell in love with doesn't exist anymore. Instead of being faithful and committed when times got rough, she chose the easy way out, cheated on her husband, break up a family that was there for her through her hardest times, for a man she suddenly started having feelings for, because she lost sight in how she felt about her husband when she stopped talking to him and couldn't put the work in to make it through to where we could finally make it once his school, so close as it is, was finished. ****, you not making enough money because I can't watch **** like I was able to is your fault. You're going to have to figure something out."

I should've stuck with that. I just want to know that they won't work...everything I've read that's related to what I'm going through points to it not working for them... Call me spiteful, but it does make me feel a little better. I regret talking to this guy knowing he's not going to answer back but I took that advice by my father-in-law.
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## ThebrokenScot (Jul 15, 2012)

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## Monroe (Jun 21, 2012)

Is this other guy married? If he is, tell his wife what is going on. 

So sorry you are here.


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## ThebrokenScot (Jul 15, 2012)

And I agree that divorce is the only way out of this now and will be talking to a lawyer next week. I know she's way immature for her age and doesn't see how relationships work. After writing all of this down it doesn't seem like it could ever come back to where we could try again. Is it possible years ahead when she realizes what she really did and lost? Or is this just me being niave?
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## ThebrokenScot (Jul 15, 2012)

He's not married anymore but has 2 kids. He's in the army back from afghanistan going back to being a police officer when he's out. Thank you guys for your empathy.
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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ThebrokenScot said:


> He's not married anymore but has 2 kids. He's in the army back from afghanistan going back to being a police officer when he's out. Thank you guys for your empathy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Tell his commanding officer.


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

Oh okay. I was afraid that you wanted us to gloss over your situation and bullsh!t you about how "things would work out."

Good. It seems you know where you stand.

And yes, you are right in assuming that her relationship with the OM will fall flat on its face. Such relationships _rarely_ last. The moment she and him start dealing with real problems (bills, living conditions, kids) is when the fantasy will lose its appeal, and start becoming real-life. He will get bored with your wife, or she will realize that the grass isn't any greener. Either way, they won't last. Considering how reckless and capricious your wife is, I almost guarantee it.

Truth be told, it will probably start to fizzle out when the divorce is in full swing. A good dose of reality may wake her up.

*However*, I need to stress that you _not_ work things out with her if she changes her tune, until _she can prove to you_ that she is worth staying married to. Yes, _she_ will need to prove that she is a woman worth committing to, and she will have to do a lot of heavy-lifting to re-earn your trust, if it ever comes to that.

It may be simpler to simple excise her from your life with divorce, though. No one will fault you for not getting back together with her. _I_ certainly don't think you should.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Your wife is not ready for marriage.


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## ThebrokenScot (Jul 15, 2012)

Jibril: I definitely hear you loud and clear, I have no intention potentially putting myself through this again especially knowing that, at this point, I can't trust her. If he paternity test comes back and my son isn't mine I've thought about taking my name off of the birth certificate but still providing for him (clothes, diapers, etc) because I want to and not out of an obligation. My appeal to this guy was more out of a judgement of character to see whether or not he is a good person like he's making my wife believe. She really should know better from guys she meets at work (she's a bartender). But everyone here along with mine and her family thinks she just went off the deep end.
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## ThebrokenScot (Jul 15, 2012)

I don't think either of us were ready for marriage, even if we did wan it at the time. But at the same time when things got rough she didn't communicate or put in the work to help make us better. She says that shes going to get her own place and be independent and work on herself, but you cant do that and be in a relationship right? And even with that her jumping into the relationship while still in a marriage demolishes genuine trust and may prevent her from making a long term change to prevent the same mistakes from happening again even if it is a long distance relationship. Am I right about that?
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ThebrokenScot said:


> Jibril: I definitely hear you loud and clear, I have no intention potentially putting myself through this again especially knowing that, at this point, I can't trust her. If he paternity test comes back and my son isn't mine I've thought about taking my name off of the birth certificate but still providing for him (clothes, diapers, etc) because I want to and not out of an obligation. My appeal to this guy was more out of a judgement of character to see whether or not he is a good person like he's making my wife believe. She really should know better from guys she meets at work (she's a bartender). But everyone here along with mine and her family thinks she just went off the deep end.


You will need to check state laws on paternity. In most states a child born during a marriage is considered the legal child of the husband. It does not matter what a paternity test shows. It's very hard to get a father's name off a birth certificate. While it's good to know if he is your biological son, he is been your son either way.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ThebrokenScot said:


> I don't think either of us were ready for marriage, even if we did wan it at the time. But at the same time when things got rough she didn't communicate or put in the work to help make us better. She says that shes going to get her own place and be independent and work on herself, but you cant do that and be in a relationship right? And even with that her jumping into the relationship while still in a marriage demolishes genuine trust and may prevent her from making a long term change to prevent the same mistakes from happening again even if it is a long distance relationship. Am I right about that?


Affairs do not last in something like 97% of the time. The fact that this one has been mostly via skype makes it even more likely to fail because she's not in love with flesh and blood. She's in love with the character he was woven over the internet and the man she created in her imagination based on this.

This is why internet relationships are so intoxicating... the user creates their own 'perfect partner' in their head. It's like reading a really hot, interactive romance novel. Been there, done that (though I was single and did not cheat).


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## ThebrokenScot (Jul 15, 2012)

Elegirl: you rock in my book. Thank you for your thoughtfulness guys. I'm trying to not burn any bridges with her In the chance that she'll mature and actually be that person I fell in love without the immaturity. Just wondering... Should I leave that door open and see how I feel if that time comes (not waiting for her to though)? Give up on her entirely? Being that her only complaint about me is not being there for her when she never let me know she needed me to be (while I was in school and had to make it a priority) will the reality that we didn't have it that bad kick in where she feels legitamently remorseful (as long as I'm out of the picture. Which will be hard since I'll have to talk to be to take my son)? And about my son. I feel bad that it seems like I'm running away, but if I text her to drop him off at a mutual friend once a week or something would that be better or just add stress?
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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

My thinking is that she is still too young/immature to properly commit to. I suspect she will panic about being _divorced_, not about losing you.

You will need to play it by ear. If she seems guilty and remorseful about it, you may want to leave that door open, but only after you make it crystal clear that she has to sweep _you_ off your feet and prove that she is worth staying married to.

But, your lawyer should still be processing the divorce in the background. If you aren't convinced that she's pulling her weight, then at least the divorce is still being filed, so you don't lose anything by trying to work with her.

But, as I said, I don't think she's ready for marriage. She needs to take some hard knocks first before she can appreciate fidelity and monogamy. Maybe the divorce will do her some good.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Since you still love her and are not sure what path you want to take, I think you need to leave a door open at this time. At some point you will fall out of love with her if she does not come around soon enough.
There is a very good book for your situation, it’s a lot cheaper than counseling and has very good advice. The book is “Surviving an Affair” by Dr. Harley. It’s explain how to implement Plan A and Plan B (Plan B is the same as the 180).

After you read *“Surviving An Affair”* I suggest that you read the books linked to in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. If she ever comes around have her read the books as well.. they are about affair proofing your marriage, how to communicate, etc.


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## ThebrokenScot (Jul 15, 2012)

I think she'll need to as well unfortunately. I've been the longest and "best" relationship she had. The one before me was a 2 year abusive relationship. And others were even less than that and involved her getting cheated on or flings. It just sucks this happened as I'm six weeks from being out of school. I agree about the divorce lawyer and not taking her back until she shows she can and wants to be that person. She's been saying her biggest fear is our son not having me in his life. The OM is pushing for the divorce by helping her find the paperwork, but she's said she doesn't know what she wants.....even if she's making it clear to me that, at least right now, it's not me.
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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

Don't be indecisive. Don't wait for her to make her choice. This would be a mistake, and one that will cost you tremendous time and heartache in the long run.

Make her decision for her. She can't be faithful? Then she doesn't deserve her marriage to you. File for divorce and start moving forward. It's frightening, I don't doubt, to move forward alone like this. But you need to take back your life, mate.


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## ThebrokenScot (Jul 15, 2012)

I can do that, thanks for the help Jibril.
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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The OM is breaking military law. The reason why he wants the divorce ASAP is then he can legally be with your WW (wayward).

Are you willing to fight this affair?

Either way.....

Filing for divorce and having her served at work is important so do it ASAP. This tactic will do several things, 1) it will show her you will no longer tolorate her adultous behavior 2) it will let her know you are confident in letting her go 3) it will protect your self , she is still your problem when it come to debt 4) it may get her to see that she needs to take action to learn the tools to be a better person through IC.

If you want you can still make this affair uncomfortable and inconvienent to continue? Besides D you can inform his CO about the A, expose the A to Om family.

One more thing, How do you now the OM doesn't have a wife or girlfriend? Let me guess the women that lied to you told you he was single!!!!!!! Hell he probablelt lied to your WW

I would look into this guy...after all it sound like he's going to be around your son alot when Sept. 13' hits

wow a whole year and 2 months

If the LTR last that long. Let me put it this way it will last long for your WW as she waits around for him but guys that screw married women have a rotation and your WW is just part of that rotation.

So for what its worth, find out who this guy is and what kind of man is going to be around your son.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Jibril said:


> Don't be indecisive. Don't wait for her to make her choice. This would be a mistake, and one that will cost you tremendous time and heartache in the long run.
> 
> Make her decision for her. She can't be faithful? Then she doesn't deserve her marriage to you. File for divorce and start moving forward. It's frightening, I don't doubt, to move forward alone like this. But you need to take back your life, mate.


This is important advice.

You can't be passive and sit in limbo, you have to take control of the situation which means you make the decisions and not wait on her. 

I think everyone else is right though, she is not mature enough to be in a serious relationship, much less marriage. Her and the OM will fail (I give it 6 months) but that doesn't mean she'll learn her lesson from it. You don't have much of a choice anyway by what she has said to you, you have to cut bait and run.


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## ThebrokenScot (Jul 15, 2012)

Should I really add much more drama to it by contacting his CO? If their relationship is going to fail why give them more ammo to want to be together more if even just out of spite. I do totally agree with having the papers served to her and will look into doing that.
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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

ThebrokenScot said:


> Should I really add much more drama to it by contacting his CO? If their relationship is going to fail why give them more ammo to want to be together more if even just out of spite. I do totally agree with having the papers served to her and will look into doing that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This guy just wants her for sex. Like the guy said she's probably just in his rotation. If you add consequences for him I'd bet he will drop her like a bad habit.


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## ThebrokenScot (Jul 15, 2012)

His daughters know about my wife and he's been divorced for awhile. I'm having a hard time believing its going to be easier with him having PTSD, a police officer (nothing bad on them but the majority I know have control issues), 2 additional kids, and a relationship based on an affair. She just said I wasn't there for her when she was in turmoil, I don't think she's going to change her inability to communicate her feelings long term.
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## ThebrokenScot (Jul 15, 2012)

I was wondering about that rotation and him wanting her for sex. she said he wouldn't wait that long if it were just for sex.
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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> I did break a rule of mine by contacting this guy recently saying: Firstly I want to apologize about my sister getting involved (she told him about being dishonorably discharged for conduct) and to know that she wont bother you anymore. Next, I need to ask you why are you wanting to tear up our family? I lost my job due to downsizing the same month I was accepted into my physical therapist assistant program and have been in school for the passed year so that I can actually provide for my family and be a better husband and father because of it. What little i got from unemployment helped with half of bills and rent, but it helped get us by. I would hope that you can understand that with that comes a massive amount of stress on top of our son being born the month I started. If I didn't stay on top of my coursework I couldn't have made it and with that the last six months I fell behind on being there for ****. It wasn't anything that we couldn't fix with some work and some time. **** took on a lot with work and our son, but i did what I could with as little as I had. What we were going through can leave anyone feeling trapped without a light at the end of the tunnel. It really does feel like you've taken our stressful time in both of our lives and used it for your own benefit. I love my wife and son, regardless whether or not he's biologically mine, and she's going through her own hell right now aside from where we're at during this present time. Can you break up a marriage that hasn't even been given the chance to work as well as tear apart our families?


I just felt like ROOOOOAAAAARING when i saw this... Holy crap dude. You're doing what there? Asking for pity and consideration of your frailties to the OM?



> I was wondering about that rotation and him wanting her for sex. she said he wouldn't wait that long if it were just for sex.


So, you're the official spare tire of the triangle? If he dumps her you still have a wife? How long will that last?

You got suckered by this woman in marrying due to a kid you aren't even sure its yours (you can be left paying 18 years of child support for that...). She cheats on you, and now you're depending on the morals of army boy? Begging your wife to stay?


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## thebuckest (Jul 10, 2012)

Dude cut all ties and run run run. If she eventually wants you then she will come find u. I know u can get ur name off the birth certificate vut nof sure how marriage will play a role. I would definetly try to get ur name off and avoid support at all costs so u can be financially more stable. But yeah she's only second guessing to keep u paying some bills so she can have her cake and eat it to. So cut and run and get ur life right work the rest out later. Well except the kid.
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## ThebrokenScot (Jul 15, 2012)

Wow that kind of hit pretty hard to home. I wrote that be aide I wanted to see what kind of person he was (if he even felt bad, wanted confrontation, or would pass it off). He passed it off. I have no intention on taking her back, es
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## ThebrokenScot (Jul 15, 2012)

Pecially now. Was thinking years ahead, but I'm not going to wait. I'm going to live my life while she has to unfortunately struggle with hers.
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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Scotty,
Don't take offense, but given that your wife was into ONS and "cheating" on her previous BF's before you, given that your kid may not be yours because she did cheat on you midway into your relationship, given that your wife works as a barmaid, given that your WW and copper/dogface had sex repeatedly (sorry, it wasn't just a kiss) and without protection while he was in your town, I seriously doubt that your wife ever actually gave up her wanton behavior just because you got married. There are probably many men who made deposits into her love bank after your marriage. You will do well to be rid of her.

Check your state paternity law, right now. Use the internet. If possible, do the test and get your name removed. Forget the OM, the things that bring true satisfaction to BH's have all been made illegal. The best thing you can do to him, to her, and for yourself is to let him have your wife. After she is out of your life, you will wonder how you could have been happy with her. To her you were primarily a meal ticket.

Ever read any Roissy?


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## ThebrokenScot (Jul 15, 2012)

You're right though, he shouldn't get away with this and neither should she. I'm not trying to be a spare... It's easier to know exactly what to do though when your In different shoes. I just want to take a road that won't complicate things years ahead.
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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Scot, do the test. If he is not your child move on. PPl are taking the time to help you so plz, just forget this woman. There is no way to know where you will be in 10 yrs. So if the childs is not yours, you need to let him go while he is young. Lets say you D and he is not yours, will you be able to be in his life yrs from now when she has a new man ?? Will you have any say that she can't live out of state with him. Are you starting to see the mess it would be if he is not yours, but you wanted to be in his life. As for her, come on man. REALLY !! You will be single with a new career in the health care field. You couldn't trust this woman before you married her, and she has shown you she can't be trusted after marriage. When does reality set in for you. Our lives don't always go the way we want, so we have to know when to change direction. AND what no one has said, but we have many stories here of WS in your wife line of work.


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## ThebrokenScot (Jul 15, 2012)

I completely understand and want to thank everyone for their help and advice. I know what I need to do, but I can't help but wish this was just a nightmare. I'm getting a divorce, taking my name off of my sons birth certificate, and moving on.....I can't believe I can actually use that line "it's not me, it's you". I didn't deserve this even as my W said, I deserve better, just can't help but wish that it was her without all of her issues leading to this. My family says I care too much and I trust too easily. It's always been my flaw. I'm going to stay single, but I am moving on with my life. She's going to have to mess hers up and make more mistakes before she realizes what she lost in me. Thanks guys again for your understanding, advice, and tough love.
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## ThebrokenScot (Jul 15, 2012)

Wish in one hand and crap in the other. See which fills quicker I suppose.
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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

You'll be ok Scot, You even have the battle scar to learn from. but just wait for the test. You don't want to abandone him if he is yours. That don't mean you have to stay with her. But if he is yours, you have parental rights in saying how he is raised. So if so, get it written in the D. 

Sorry you are here, But you will heal. Just makee sure you don't mess around with chicks with too many issues next time.


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## Patrick1959 (Jul 16, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Tell his commanding officer.



If the OM is on active duty; adultery is considered a serious offense (an offense punishable by a General Courts Martial). Although most cases of adultery don't go to a General Courts Martial, some commanding officers take adultery very seriously (USMC has the lowest tolerance for infidelity) and even non-judicial punishment can have serious consequences such as an administrative discharge for the commission of a serious offense. A guilty verdict from a General Courts Martial is considered a felony and I doubt that a convicted felon would keep a position with law enforcement; likewise even a dismissal from military service with a less than honorable discharge may also have adverse consequences for someone employed in a law enforcement position. 

Although not all adultery is prosecuted and sometimes the punishment is very lenient, reports of a service member having committed a serious offense requires that the member's commanding officer initiate an official investigation. Even without evidence of intercourse most commanding officers will issue a military protective order for the service member to cease contact with someone whom the service member has had an inappropriate relationship. 


The Uniform Code of Military Justice defines the elements of adultery as follows: (1) That the accused wrongfully had sexual intercourse with a certain person; (2) That, at the time, the accused or the other person was married to someone else; and (3) That, under the circumstances, the conduct of the accused was to the prejudice of good order and discipline in the armed forces or was of a nature to bring discredit upon the armed forces. Adultery may be punishable by courts-martial with a maximum punishment at a general court-martial of one year’s confinement, a dishonorable discharge, total forfeitures of pay and allowances, a fine, and reduction to the lowest enlisted pay grade. Additionally, United States Navy Regulations, Section 1137, provides that “[p]persons in the naval service shall report as soon as possible to superior authority all offenses under the UCMJ which come under their observation, except when such persons are themselves already criminally involved in such offenses at the time such offenses first come under their observation.” (Emphasis added). Finally, upon receipt of information that a member of the command is accused or suspected of committing an offense or offenses triable by court-martial, the immediate commander shall make or cause to be made a preliminary inquiry into the charges or suspected offenses (Rule 303, Manual for Courts-Martial).


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

ThebrokenScot said:


> Should I really add much more drama to it by contacting his CO? If their relationship is going to fail why give them more ammo to want to be together more if even just out of spite. I do totally agree with having the papers served to her and will look into doing that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, 100%, absolutely. this guy is violating the law he vowed to uphold. 

This isn't spite - so stop that self defeatist tone - this is holding a guy accountable to oath her took. So yes contact his CO and report what he is doing.


As for your wife -she IS your wife. She made a vow and she need to woman up and STOP cheating ASAP. 

Throwing every monkey wrench you can into her cheating is both fair and smart. Do not accept lies, and do not accept that anything is inevitable. The reality is this is all choices made by people.

she is choosing to cheat because she can - take the option off the table and world can change.


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## ThebrokenScot (Jul 15, 2012)

You don't think that will be more ammo for them to make their relationship last? I figured it would due out without me having to add fuel to the dramaticizm. Typing that made me feel a bit niave. I'm fine leaving, but I don't like to be thought of as a douche and make this guy have a better case. Is that the wrong way to think?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThebrokenScot (Jul 15, 2012)

But you're right I am being self defeatist..... And I do need to stop.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Please explain your case with regard to why you are bettering the OM case.

As far as your WW goes she need to see the reality to her little fantasy.

So calling the CO is justified by making the OM accountable for being with a married women, and your wifes need to be accountable for betraying her marriage.

Sure you could let this go but what about the next time this POS OM goes after another married women. Then he leaves the service and become a cop in some poor cummunity were every lonely house wife is his prey.


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

ThebrokenScot said:


> You don't think that will be more ammo for them to make their relationship last? I figured it would due out without me having to add fuel to the dramaticizm. Typing that made me feel a bit niave. I'm fine leaving, but I don't like to be thought of as a douche and make this guy have a better case. Is that the wrong way to think?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It _is_ wrong to think that way. It's defeatist. Stop.

All you're doing by exposing is making them accountable for their actions. If there is _one_ thing that cheaters and liars avoid at all cost, it's taking _responsibility_ for their deceit. Exposure forces them to face the consequences of their actions.

Remember, they wouldn't have to answer for their infidelity and oath-breaking _if the didn't break their oath to begin with._

Expose to his CO. Expose to her family (or did you already?). Let them answer for their actions.


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## ThebrokenScot (Jul 15, 2012)

I did expose it to her family and you're right. I've had the number of whom to talk to about their affair to the military at his base for a couple days now, just wasn't sure if I'd let them naturally did out or kill it myself. I think it's because I don't like the feelings she has for this guy and if he did get in trouble she'd never or those feelings go. Maybe it's selfish but I just want them to both fail at it because of how it began. Maybe I need a good slap to the side of my head...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

:scratchhead::scratchhead: Scot, this guy knew she was married. He gave no thought to wrecking your family, so why should you give a damn for him. You already know he has no decency, thats why emailing him made no sense. Did he email you back and say he would break it off ?? NOOOOO. Has he done this before ?? bet on it. So in a way, you will be doing her a last favor, by getting this loser away from her son.


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## Patrick1959 (Jul 16, 2012)

ThebrokenScot said:


> I did expose it to her family and you're right. I've had the number of whom to talk to about their affair to the military at his base for a couple days now, just wasn't sure if I'd let them naturally did out or kill it myself. I think it's because I don't like the feelings she has for this guy and if he did get in trouble she'd never or those feelings go. Maybe it's selfish but I just want them to both fail at it because of how it began. Maybe I need a good slap to the side of my head...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Scot

Reporting this to the OM's CO is something only you can do, it will not work by proxy. There is no CO who will start an investigation that could result in confinement and a dishonorable discharge based upon rumors. If you want to report this you need to make copies of the evidence you have and send it to the OM's CO. At that point he is obligated by military regulations to investigate. Without evidence of sexual intercourse the likely course is a military protective order to cease contact with the woman, as long she is married. Of course if he violates the order or files a false statement then he could be in serious trouble. 

Why should you consider reporting this?

1. He is a sexual predator and may be more that just a sexual predator. The nature of a predator is to go after easy prey with little risk of harm. Unless extremely hungry the predator avoids large dangerous prey that can cause serious injury. If there is risk associated with pursuing your wife than he may abandon her for easier prey. He has no regard for the well being of your family and with the opportunity he would do worse to you if it allowed more access to your wife. Making him mad will not make him a greater danger to you or your marriage; making him think you are weak may make him bolder.

2. Just as your wife took vows of fidelity to the marriage; OM took an oath when he joined an all volunteer military and that includes being subjected to the codes of military conduct, which he has betrayed. You are not getting him in trouble you are exposing his misconduct. 

3. You may be helping the military by exposing a man who has proven himself unfit for military service. If he can't resist your wife and is willing to ignore laws forbidding adultery, without regard for the effect upon her, you, or your family; what would he do to a 15 or 16 year old unarmed girl in an occupied country if he knew that he could do what he wanted and there could be no witnesses? 

Regarding your fear that it will make them closer, being exposed and standing at attention while charges are read or reduced in rank or separated from the military is very humbling and is something that most women would find unappealing. I think it would more likely cause a crack in the relationship than a bond. If your wife is drawn more to the other man as a result of you trying to defend your marriage than she would have likely left and it may indicate that she is not committed to working through the recovery process that will be necessary to repair the marriage she has damaged.


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## ThebrokenScot (Jul 15, 2012)

Well here's an update. I've delayed on the divorce filing and am paying for it. I've also been collecting evidence in case she wants to lie about the affair when I do file and I have "snapshots" of pictures (intimate) sent over Skype with file names that can be seen, text messages, and a copy of a reply the OM was "thinking" about replying to my inital message over facebook that he never sent but sent my wife to "look over". I'll show you a copy and you tell me if he's as full of sh** as I think he is. My wife is now on "vacation" (more like running away from her responsibilities as one week isn't going to really do anything to assess anything other than each other) in Alaska by and staying with the OM, his two kids, and his mother for a week and is doing great. I'm NOT going to delay the divorce any longer, it turns out that my son isn't truly mine, but I do want to stay in his life because he needs someone stable (soon to be) in his life to raise him and I've been the main parent doing it so far ; I want him to have a better upbringing than I had.

I'm not looking to reconcile with her as I would be just a back-up and I will not be initiating any contact with her other than business-like-tone about our son, but I can't get that bug off of my shoulder that I want karma to work its wonders. I guess a part of me wants her to be as miserable as she made me (human nature I guess). Everything right now seems to be doing the opposite. So with that said, I was hoping someone may have an answer to this question: Is it possible that despite us having a good relationship that went through a LOT of life stresses before the bomb - the only arguements that we had were her drinking too much (which she recently stopped going out and has said that she's making that change for herself) and driving home drunk instead of calling me or her mom (she lived with us so that someone could watch our son while I was in school and she worked ; we lived off my loans too) - the only thing she had against me was that "I wasn't there when she needed me most" (because I was in school trying to make a better life for us) - her family and friends know about the affair and have taken my side, but it hasn't changed how she feels about him nor what she's been doing - I've stopped the catering and now he's helped her with her bills and rent from about 4000 miles away - how possible is it that it could actually work out between them and they have a healthy relationship from this? Or is the infatuation really that big and this is the path a majority of affairs-turned-relationships follow?

On to the reply the OM didn't send but I found (she's not very good at hiding things). 


::Begin::
"I don't know if I want to send this but a figured I would show it to you any way.
(my name), I want to apologies for how this has all come about. (wifes name) and I had no ill intentions when we started talking, As you know she is an amazing woman. (wifes name) cares about you deeply and wishes there was a better way to go about all this. (wifes name) tells me often how you are a great of a dad you are for (son's name) and does not want to lose that.
I understand the stress of losing a job and going through school and what that can do to a marriage. It will either strengthen the marriage or show it weakness. We all get married for different reasons. And we all typically have the best of intentions when we do. I was married for over 9 years. We have two great girls and I would not change that for anything. But the truth of the matter is we were not the best match. We lived together fairly well and we loved each other to a degree. We still love each other now but it's not the love of a married couple. We are great friends even now We still talk and care about each other. A strange as it sounds we even seek each other out to ask questions about our current relationships. That's a freindship that will last a lifetime. I'm telling you this because I want you to know I will never get in the way of the love and friendship you two have. That's important for (son's name). You will also have peace of mind knowing that I will go out of my way to make sure you and (son's name) get all the time you can.
I know you think I'm full of crap but I promise I did not mean for this to happen. I think it's safe to say that you knew things where not well. Can you tell me you have been happy with the way things are. I was not out trying to find someone. I was perfectly content to be a single dad. No need in throwing my heart on the line. I think the same can be said about (wife's name). She was content with what she had. Not happy but it was a life. I knew things had changed when I realized that if i did not talk to her for a couple hours my heart started to ache. She had no idea that she touched my soul and stole my heart. I was more than ready to walk away and leave her be. I love her that much. I told her if she felt like she could truly be a good wife to you she should stay with you. Here is the toughest thing about this. You are not a bad guy In today's world you're a pretty good one. So it's not like you can point to one thing and say here is the problem fix this and it will all be ok. That bound that's needed is not there. I'm not some womanizer looking for a good time. I work hard. Always have. I will tell you the truth even to a fault. So be careful asking direct questions. I don't want to tear apart your family. If I thought for a second you two would truly be happy together I would be gone. If (wife's name) feels even a half the way I do about her, me leaving would leave her miserable and would kill me. You mentioned I took advantage of your stressful time. I had no idea what your situation was. We simply talked, shared things we like to do, our expectations on our future. We talked about the kind of people we are and who we wanted to have by our side. Tearing apart your families is really up to you and your families. I have a great relationship with my x and her familiy. My x still goes to my family for holidays and help even though the girls and I are thousands of miles away. Whether the families accept and understand depends more on you than anything. So I ask you can you really be happy with the marriage you're in? I know you're a great guy, (wife's name) says you are, and I think you will find the one who completes you if you give it a chance. And no worries about your sister. She is trying to protect her brother. Just shows she loves you." ::END::


My plan now is pretty simple and should have been done sooner. I will be filing for divorce, I will have primary custody over my son, I will NOT be initiating any contact with her other than about our son, I will NOT have any kind of friendship as long as they are together (she's with the guy she cheated on me with and expects a friendship? No, not going to happen), I will be moving on with my life and making what changes I feel like I need to make in order to be a better person from this hell I'll be digging myself out of.


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## ThebrokenScot (Jul 15, 2012)

I also read the "Just Let Them Go" thread and it pretty much explained some things so I suppose I don't need that question answered after all as it doesn't really matter in the end as long as I'm happy - he can have my cheat of a wife.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I wrote this up before you answered your own question, but I'll post it anyway (good for you for reading Just Let Them Go and understanding it--it can be hard for some).



ThebrokenScot said:


> it turns out that my son isn't truly mine, but I do want to stay in his life because he needs someone stable (soon to be) in his life to raise him and I've been the main parent doing it so far ; I want him to have a better upbringing than I had.


You are good and loving dad to him, the only dad he's ever known. But I can't help but ask, how did you find out that he's not biologically yours? 

****



> how possible is it that it could actually work out between them and they have a healthy relationship from this? Or is the infatuation really that big and this is the path a majority of affairs-turned-relationships follow?


No one can guarantee that their relationship will crash and burn. I will tell you, however, that they have many strikes against them. Someone who is willing to steal someone's wife doesn't take marital vows very seriously. I know in his email he tries to paint this as if it was just an accident that they "fell in love" (read: infatuation). But if he thinks that cheating is a great way to start a relationship, chances are he'll think that again some time in the future when reality starts to hit.

Plus he has two kids. My guess is, he'd like a mom for those kids. What are the chances your wife is going to abandon her REAL flesh-and-blood son to sign up and be a great mom for someone else's children? That ain't happening. Stepparenting is _extremely_ challenging for someone who entered a family legitimately, i.e., with no cheating beforehand. Add this stuff in the mix--the divorce, abandonment of her own child, etc.--and I don't see a fairytale ending.

But you cannot live your life hoping the worst for them. You cannot. You need to turn on your heel and start to detach from her. The more you stop concerning yourself with her situation, the stronger and stronger you will feel. Every time you start to hope they'll fall apart, you are giving them back some control over your life that THEY DO NOT DESERVE TO HAVE. They aren't thinking for 5 seconds about you. Do them the same favor.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Sorry to hear about the child not being yours. I would suggest you get your name out of his birth certificate regardless if you're going to look after him or not.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

keko said:


> Sorry to hear about the child not being yours. I would suggest you get your name out of his birth certificate regardless if you're going to look after him or not.


If he wants to keep primary custody of the boy, I don't see what this gets him. If he has primary custody he needs the legal power to make all decisions, health, education, etc.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> If he wants to keep primary custody of the boy, I don't see what this gets him. If he has primary custody he needs the legal power to make all decisions, health, education, etc.


and what if the child triggers him badly in a few weeks and he longer wants to look after him? Stuck with a child support for 18+ years?


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## ThebrokenScot (Jul 15, 2012)

Thank you for the reply and I know because I had the cheek-swab test done. She isn exactly abandoning our son and his kids are 1/2 my wife's age and I suppose she thinks she'll be more like a friend to them rather than stepmom, but you are 100% right about turning on my heels and walking away not concerning myself about whether thu make it or not. The "Just Let Them Go" thread gave me the idea on how. Thank you for your comments on that, it helped me understand that from an outside perspective.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

That... was a very heavy post, Scot. Learning that your son isn't yours has thrown my own judgement out of whack, so I don't know what advice to give you in that respect, not having any kids of my own. My own male bias is telling me to tell you to "abandon ship," child and all, but if you are truly committed to raising him as your own, that is entirely your choice and right, and I won't fault you for it.

All I will say is this - do NOT tell anyone you know he is not yours. Don't tell family. Don't tell friends. Don't tell him. Not until he's old enough to understand. Tell him about the affair and the divorce, but leave his parentage out of the discussion. He will not understand at this point. The knowledge will drive a wedge between him, you and his mother once he comes to understand her betrayal and your situation.

I am a bit disappointed that you decided to delay the divorce proceedings. You shot yourself in the foot by waiting, as you already came to realize. Have you exposed the OM to his CO? If you haven't, _stop stalling_. You're indecisiveness is _costing_ you, literally and emotionally. You seem to hunger for a bit of vindication - well, forcing OM to face responsibility for his infidelity is a good start. Expose your cheating wife to his parents, too, if you can find them. If they don't already know, I'm sure they'll be thrilled to learn that their son is getting involved with a cheating skank of a woman.

From reading the letter he drafted, I think he is infatuated with your wife, and wants to start a life with her. Unfortunately, your wife's cheating nature will sabotage that relationship very quickly. She will realize that the grass isn't any greener and cheat on him, or she'll find someone she likes even more and cheat on him.

Don't worry too much about vengeance. The best thing you can do is focus on yourself and moving forward. Don't wait on _anyone_ but yourself from now on.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

ThebrokenScot said:


> his kids are 1/2 my wife's age and I suppose she thinks she'll be more like a friend to them rather than stepmom_Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh, they're teenagers. That makes her situation sooo much better. Not! I almost feel sorry for her. She'll find out soon enough...


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## ThebrokenScot (Jul 15, 2012)

You don't have to worry about my son triggering me badly. I don't have anger issues, have been more involved in his life than his mother, and realize he's just an innocent to what she had done to me before. 

Jibril: once again you've made some very valid points. I have a friend thy was an MP in the Navy that told me unless it was a high ranking officer or to a high ranking officer they generally don't do anything about it. I'm still intending on doing it though.

I'm going to talk to a lawyer tomorrow, but finances are scarce so I guess as long as I get it started. I'm slowly getting to a point to where I'm not thinking about vengeance and just want some peace. I do just want to move on with my life as it hasn't even really started yet. We had a brighter future but now me and my son will have a brighter future. I won't let her actions get the better of me anymore as whatever we had is in the past and needs to stay there. It is what it is and I'm tired of being depressed all the time since this started. Thank you guys again for your feedback, it really has helped.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

All I see is you still trying to be in her life thru the child. I understand you have bonded with him, but is she really going to give you primary custody. from what he wrote, he expects her to have the kid up there with them after the D. So you are just setting up more drama.
Does he know she cheated and got knocked up ?? Does he know she drinks to excess.
Man get the hell out all the way.
You are trying to do a good job of appearing nobel, but your post screams " I want to be around when she crash ".

You have been given a perfect exit, but won't let go. 
You are not relly concerned with him. You never reported him. You haven't exposed him. You know his mom is there with them.
No, you are only concerned with her and the way she dropped you. Which you should be thankful for, before having a real kids of your with her.
He said he will do all he can to make sure you see him as much as you want. So with her knowing he expects her to bring the child, she is going to fight you for custody.
I don't know if she is so in love that she will confess he might not be your to him, but if she do, and a test is ordered, you already know you will lose. 
Cut your loses.


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## ThebrokenScot (Jul 15, 2012)

I have no interest in being in her life through him, but I am the only dad he knows. If she fights for custody then I'll drop my name and the OM can be his dad, but it's already something we've talked about before and i dont see why making my son suffer for his mothers actions would be of any benefit. The guy is originally from my state and will be moving back in a year. She's getting an apartment elsewhere and will be loving on her own until then (whether it actually stays that way idk). He does know he's probably not mine biologically and that she had a problem with drinking (which she hasn't gone out and done since this happened and says its a permanent change she's doing for herself). I don't plan on deviating from my plan and even if they don't last I'm still getting a divorce because she has no love or respect for me to do what she keeps doing. The only thing I can do is move along and find someone (eventually) that actually knows that actual love takes working on the relationship and not abandoning that ship when things seem less exciting. I don't want her back for that reason alone, and know she would just do this to me again and have no interest in reliving these past 2 months when there is better out there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Please call the CO and expose him. Your talking yourself out of doing anything by saying it might not work. So what if it might no do anything, it on the other hand just may. Just do it and hope forthe best.

The OM doesn't know what he's getting into with her. She's a certified alcholic who likes to wander. It's only a matter of time until she's back to her old ways on hom too.

Make the call.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw, you need to apologize to your sister for throwing her under the bus for standing up for you.

You also need to never ever ever again apologize to the OM. This is the guy who is cheating with a married woman. He is the lowest pond scum there is. Never be nice, kind, accommodating or apologetic to him again. He is trash and he has destroyed you marriage.


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## ThebrokenScot (Jul 15, 2012)

I will do that for my sister. I was wondering about the whole CO thing and is it still considered adultry or fraternization on his part? Exactly what will be done to him? Does anyone have any experience in doing that and what ultimately happened? What exactly should I do/request be done? The reason I've hesitated, as stupid as it sounds, is only the added drama, the fact he only has one more year until he's out, and the animocity that may occur with her making my life a living hell in seeing my son. I have evidence that I can provide the CO (photos of Facebook coversations where they tell each other "I love you" and "Imagine me holding you tight"....[intimate] pictures that were snapshot on Skype that have the same file name that can be seen on the Skype instant message thing, who they were sent to, and his text comments. Even a picture of the Facebook message he was supposedly going to send me admitting to the whole situation).


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

^ Just do it.


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## ThebrokenScot (Jul 15, 2012)

I've been thinking that when she gets back I willgive her the "just let them go" speech and call and mail the guys CO the evidence so they will at least initiate an investigation and issue the "no contact" order for the rest of his tenure in the army. This way I can avoid some animosity from her and not RISK losing out on my son. I still intend on giving her divorce papers, but I just wanted to make sure what I plan on doing is the right choice?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

ther you go with te big speeches. man this woman has dumped you. forget her. you brought a lemon, admit it keep your son and move on.
The worst thing you can do to her is treat her like she is nothing to you. just a hole that your kid dropped from. If its not about your son, there is NOTHING to say to her.

The lesson should be for you, " you get what you pay for ".
You ignored her past and her cheating. 
So try to get in touch with that lil inner voice that push you to save someone who is damaged.

I like your goodness toward ppl, but in the future, find someone who don't have as much baggage.

Now, I wish you and the boy the best the WORLD has to offer, as for her, she could be on fire and I wouldn't piss on her to save her life. 
And yeah, I really am that mean and nasty.
All the best Scott


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Oh I understand about not making drama to keep your son. But reread the letter he did'nt send you. he thinks she will be having the boy. thats why he said " I will do everything I can to make sure you see him as much as you want ". Forget that crap. if you fight her for custody, he is going to be on her side. Then you will wish you would have gotten him in trouble when you had the chance.
See this is why I advised you to walk away. Making sure EVERYONE know he is not yours. 
This guy tried to make you the bad guy. say you will be the only one disrupting the families with your drama.
Well there is not a marriage made that don't go thru hard times. And if he was so honorable, he would have walked away to give you and her time to work thru it.
All that talk of how him an his ex are friends. well if he has the girls, she must be some kind of sleeze to walk away from her girls.

Dude, you only see things one way. But and Old Lobo like me, i try to see all angles. starting with the worst 1st.


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## ThebrokenScot (Jul 15, 2012)

So Do you think I should go ahead and contact this guys commanding officer like everyone else? Because we are still married and aren't legally separated so her carrying this on is still cheating and whatever I can prove that they did will make that case stronger against the OM.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

And change your user name, cause you DAMN sure ain't brokeScot. You are a man with his WHOLE life ahead of him. You are 1FreeAss SCOT


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Yes contact his Command. Best hope is to separate the two via a Command directive/order.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Scot

Stop talking. Stop texting. Stop reparing speeches.

You can only judge a person by their actions.i

Report the OM to his CO on Monday with all the evidence. Make his life a night mare because he deserves it.

Who cares about the results because the next thing you need to do is file for Divorce.

Go borrow the money from a family member if you need to.

What you do with your Son is up to you. If you really love him then do what feels right to you.

You need to show your wife and the OM consequences. So far they are having a great time and you are the babysitter.

Stop being a doormat. And your wife and the OM deserve each other.

Stop talking and get moving. Get them out of your life and leave them with some pain and consequences.

Then you can move on.

HM64


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

The OM is so full of sh!t that I want to beat the crap out of him. See, that is how the cheater mind works. Delusion, self aggrandizing(if she loved him half as much as she loved him? Give me a f*cking break!!). This guy seem to be a hardcore narcissist. He rationalized the whole affair in his mind. This affair will blow up on her face. Just wait for it. But too bad, you will have moved on by then.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

I dont' think this affair is going to blow up in her face.....it's gonna blow up in the OM's face when he is too busy at work being a cop to tend to her delicate emotional states and she finds another guy to spill all her secrets too.

To the OP.....if it ain't your kid then she probably knew that. As much as I love kids (my 3 and my cub scouts, etc) she's just going to keep using you as a babysitter to give her free time to cheat on you with other men. By all accounts she's checked out of the marriage. Did I read it right that she actually talked her way into a 'vacation' to visit him in alaska? You should have given her a parting gift of her son and some divorce papers before she left. She's made her choice and unfortunately it isn't you. Sorry your going through this.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Stop bein worried about her being angry. Your wife left you and went into another mans bed in Alaska. Shes married still and s openly having a full on relationship with another man.

Aren't you angry? It's time to stop worrying about her reaction and take whatever steps you need to cause grief for her affair.

This isn't high school where you just suck it up and go home and cry. This is marriage with kids involved and an OM who has preyed on your family.

Go after him every way you can. Don't worry if each shot you take isn't perfect, you are trying to shotgun his life with as much grief as you can.

You talk yourself out of standing up for yourself a lot. From his letter the OM just does what he wants and says oops my bad if there are casualties. 

Have you cut off her access to money, credit, etc?

Have you packed her stuff and dumpe it ?

Your wife is openly staying with the OM and your upset, but also not doing anything consequence wise.

I know this is hard and scary, but at least for your kids find the strength to stand up to her , expose, call her out, do not make ths easy for her.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

The reason the OM didn't send you that letter is that he didn't believe it himself.

I don't know about your state laws, but in my country the kid not being biologically yours basically invalidates your efforts in custody battles. Did you get legal counsel about this?


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Sad story. All of what Shaggy said is solid. Remember you are 27, you have yet to meet another amazing woman really soon. You keep speaking about your "son", ok so be it but do not forget what your main goal is, to move on. Remember, one of these days you will dedicate yourself fully to your new amazing beautiful wife and future children that WILL be yours, just keep that in mind.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

costa200 said:


> The reason the OM didn't send you that letter is that he didn't believe it himself.
> 
> I don't know about your state laws, but in my country the kid not being biologically yours basically invalidates your efforts in custody battles. Did you get legal counsel about this?


The OM didn't send the letter because it was never for the OP. It was entirely to the WW to lock in how bad he felt at making her cheat.

What a scum bag.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Yes, go after his butt. like my man said above, the letter was for her all along to make him look good.

REPEAT: REPORT HIM YESTERDAY !!!!!


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## Patrick1959 (Jul 16, 2012)

Scott

Here is what I think may be some of your options regarding reporting the OM's behavior to his commanding officer. Keep in mind that the commanding officer has discretion with how he manages an adultery case. He is obligated to conduct an investigation; the discipline is pretty much his call. Some commanders, especially Marines, tend to be the harsh with adultery and with proof of sexual intercourse they often go with a General Courts Martial. The Navy is much more lenient. I have less experience with the Army and Air Force but all military branches follow the Uniformed Code of Military Justice. 

Perhaps the best course is to speak with the Command Judge Advocate; smaller commands may have a legal officer assigned. Ask the JAG Officer if he can assist you in reporting the commission of a serious offense and delivering your evidence to the service member's commanding officer. He will then likely tell you that he represents the Commanding Officer and that he can't provide legal advice; don't be discouraged and tell him that you just want to make the report, give evidence and leave your contact information. Although many get discouraged most lawyers will gather the information and present this information in a manner that is to your benefit but you will not know this and he can't give you information about the progress of the case or the commanding officer's decision. If this conversation goes well, it you may give you an opportunity to "shape the battle space". The hang up with many adultery cases is the part about being service discrediting so if you can plant this seed that this is a scandal that involves a service member, especially if a specific unit is identified . Most JAGs tend to take a hard line with serious offenses so the more information that you provide the better. 

If you can't get in touch with the legal department then contacting the commanding officer is another option. You may not have the opportunity to speak directly with the OM's commanding officer and if the OM is enlisted you may end up speaking with the command Sergeant Major, if the OM is commissioned you may find yourself speaking with the executive officer . Either way the information should be passed to the commanding officer. 

After a period of time if there are no responses the next options are to notify the Inspector General or your congressman. This will get a higher level of attention and the commanding officer will be required to respond to the inquiry. Some are too aggressive with initiating an IG or congressional investigation, it is better to work through the commanding officer first and give him a reasonable time to investigate and take action; remember he has discretion of punishment and all the IG will be concerned about is if he conducted a proper investigation. Neither the IG or a Congressman has any authority over the defendant and their influence over the commanding officer is limited, Should you need to contact the IG or congress, a courtesy notification to the commanding officer is considered an appropriate courtesy. 

Don't telegraph anything about what you are doing because investigations have better results when the defendant is caught unaware, if he makes a false official statement that this could be an even more serious offense with up to 5 years confinement and a dishonorable discharge. 

The moist likely outcome is for the case to be settled by non-judicial punishment and issuing a military protective order (MPO) to cease contact with a married woman. Even NJP has a negative effect in today's military and will often keep someone from promoting or re-enlisting and increases the chance of being separated if a reduction of force occurs with budget cuts. 

Notifying the command chaplain is another less dramatic option but this seems a better option for a spouse who wants command influence to alter behavior with less prospects of a harsh punishment. I don’t see where this is a better option for your situation.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Update ???


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What happened?


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