# What's wrong with...



## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

I posting this thread, not to cause upset, but because of genuine curiousity.
My husband and I have chosen to be childfree. I have learned to keep this to myself, because people get aggressive when I reveal that. This is such a personal choice, so I don't understand where all the anger comes from. The old "You'll change your mind.." nonsense is infuriating, because who are these fools to make my decisions for me? :soapbox:
In case people on TAM are wondering why I don't want kids, these are my reasons: a health condition that would be worsened by pregnancy, reluctance to compromise sex life by screaming babies and kids interrupting, being throughly disgusted by the idea of carrying and pushing out a baby, as well as not wanting to have my body ravaged and fattened by a child. I'm even feeling nauseous writing about it. 
The last and most compelling reason is my abusive childhood. Most abusive parents come from abuse, just like my mother did. I know better than to abuse a child, however I do have a very bad temper and low tolerance for disrespect or defiance from kids. My anger issues have greatly improved with maturity and therapy, but they will always be lurking under the surface.
I hope that the parents on TAM can tell me what's wrong with being childfree. :scratchhead:


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Not a thing! 

People tend to think their perception is reality. The love for their children is so strong that they can't imagine anyone NOT wanting to feel that. Sadly, they don't take the time to see things from other perspectives. 

I love my children and I'd do it all over again given the choice. However, I can see why someone would choose to live child-free. Children are a choice and with most choices there are positive and negative consequences. The negatives were worth it to me, they're not to you. I don't see why people think that's wrong.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

The W and I agreed to only one child, and it works beautifully for us. But we also get the same type of guff: "Why don't you have more?", "So, when are you going to have another child?", "Oh, you'll come to your senses", "Isn't that selfish", "She's going to be lonely", "She'll hate you for it later", "Parents with only one child have no right to call themselves 'real' parents".

So, I reply:
"It's OUR decision, and it works fine for us".
Or, sometimes:
"Last I checked, I was married to her, not you, so this ain't your place."


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Mrs.G said:


> I posting this thread, not to cause upset, but because of genuine curiousity.
> My husband and I have chosen to be childfree. I have learned to keep this to myself, because people get aggressive when I reveal that. This is such a personal choice, so I don't understand where all the anger comes from.


Fear and jealousy. Fear that you are doing something DIFFERENT. How DARE you be different????!! And jealousy that they wish that they had had the courage to make the same choice.




> The old "You'll change your mind.." nonsense is infuriating, because who are these fools to make my decisions for me?


I have a dear friend who "confessed" this to me expecting me to be judgemental. My kids are very important to me... Ergo given the other experiences she has had, she thought I would be the same. 



> In case people on TAM are wondering why I don't want kids, these are my reasons:


People often ask me what my reasons are for home schooling. What are their reasons for sending their kids to school? Many people go into parenthood with less introspection. So I hope by offering reasons, you are offering clarification because you want to. NOT because you feel you need to defend yourself.

Shall I get off my own soapbox now?



> I hope that the parents on TAM can tell me what's wrong with being childfree. :scratchhead:


Not a darned thing. As if the world needs MORE population.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

F-102 said:


> The W and I agreed to only one child, and it works beautifully for us. But we also get the same type of guff: "Why don't you have more?", "So, when are you going to have another child?", "Oh, you'll come to your senses", "Isn't that selfish", "She's going to be lonely", "She'll hate you for it later", "Parents with only one child have no right to call themselves 'real' parents".
> 
> So, I reply:
> "It's OUR decision, and it works fine for us".
> ...


You don't say take your opinion and stick it where the sun don't shine? You are nicer than I.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Nothing wrong with it at all. Nice to hear you gave it some thought instead of just doing what society said you were supposed to do.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

My SIL and one of my old friends are both childfree by choice and I think its great since its what they want. The difference between the two is what sets them apart in my mind. 

My SIL just left it at that. We don't want kids, I don't want to have to raise kids, I want to live for me. Cool, rock on with your bad self.

My old friend (as in I can't stand to be around her anymore LOL) came to my house ( I am a mother to two boys) without anyone asking her about kids, ranted about how kids make your a** fat and got herself embarrassed by me. I have two kids, she has none and has at least 100 pounds on me. Hmmm...... She also feels the need to post anti kid statements and sentiments on facebook constantly, which is how she made it off my page. 

I think its all about approach. Granted, I don't ask anyone about whether or not they want kids, but if you go about it how my SIL does I am all for you. If you go about it the second way, I think you just make an a** out of yourself LOL.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

Mrs.G said:


> .
> I hope that the parents on TAM can tell me what's wrong with being childfree. :scratchhead:


nothing


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

hey girl...
aint nothin wrong with being child free. go out enjoy it. enbrace it. travel, take lots of vacations to exoctic locations, take cruise.

kids are great if you wanted them. love in your family and friends. be awesome god-parents. spoil'em rotten, then send them home...lol.

if you feel that its the right decision for you and you know its right, and its agreed by everyone, then live your life. enjoy your husband all to your self. girl..enjoy sleeping in on the weekends...lol...


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

People from modern new society won't think it is a big deal. 

They don't want to have children, their business. 

My husband and I decided not to have children, we told his mother, we knew his mother would love for us to have children, I was surprised by her answer: It's your life, your decision. I am disappointed, but it's your life. I am glad that she is not a Chinese mother-in-law. 

My own family kept on pushing the question, my mother, my sister-in-law, my sister, keep on telling me to have children. Because in China, having children is one way to keep our men. If a woman can't have children, the man's family will force him to divorce her. We worship ancestors, no descendant is considered to be the biggest sin. 

I am happy that we don't have children. At least saving one area for argument. 

When I read bad news articles about bad children, I just shake my head and tell myself: What's the point of those people having children! The parents are old, poor, and sick, but their children are not concerned. I usually feel very sad for those old people who have bad children. So many years of love and raising them only get to have strangers, why??? 

But some parents have to blame themselves for the way they raise their children!


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

You're free to decide what you want in your life but why would you bring it on TAM to ask for comments, if you're already doing what you want in life? 
Do you need to hear ppl to give you tons of support, telling you childfree is a right thing to do? 
For me, it's not wrong and not right. It's just a choice.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

There is nothing wrong with NOT having children. That's way better than having them and then regretting the decision to do so. (not talking about myself here, btw) You knew what you did and did not want. How can there be anything wrong with that?


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

There is nothing wrong with your decision. I have 2 kids, and I love them to death, cannot imagine my life without them. However, I also know how hard it is to be their mom, and can only imagine how much harder it would be if I didn't really want them or felt any reluctance about it at all. 

You have made the decision that is right for you. Whether anyone else thinks you should do something differently doesn't matter. You are the one living your life, therefore you are the one that has to live with your decisions. 

When someone makes a comment like that you might change your mind one day, I would just say something like "maybe, but I doubt it" and then change the subject. If they say something more judgmental than that, I'd say something along the lines of how rude that was or how it's between you and your husband or whatever and then again, change the subject.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> You're free to decide what you want in your life but why would you bring it on TAM to ask for comments, if you're already doing what you want in life?
> Do you need to hear ppl to give you tons of support, telling you childfree is a right thing to do?
> For me, it's not wrong and not right. It's just a choice.


I would bring it on TAM because I can post whatever I choose. I don't need the support. I just wanted to know what parents on this forum thought, since I respect the way people interact on this board.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> People from modern new society won't think it is a big deal.
> 
> They don't want to have children, their business.
> 
> ...




:iagree: My mother moans about how I never took care of her when she broke her back. Evil mothers reap what they sow. 
She tries to get people to talk to me on her behalf, but I am done with the merry-go-round. She is never nice to me for more than two weeks, before she returns to being a screeching battleax.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Regardless of your reasons, I don't think it's anyone's business. It's totally up to you.


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## Chris H. (Jan 27, 2007)

MsLonely said:


> You're free to decide what you want in your life but why would you bring it on TAM to ask for comments, if you're already doing what you want in life?
> Do you need to hear ppl to give you tons of support, telling you childfree is a right thing to do?
> For me, it's not wrong and not right. It's just a choice.


Actually, that's what I started the site for - so people who have problems can post to get feedback and support.

Nothing wrong with posting here, Mrs. G, welcome to TAM.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Chris H. said:


> Actually, that's what I started the site for - so people who have problems can post to get feedback and support.
> 
> Nothing wrong with posting here, Mrs. G, welcome to TAM.


Thank you, Chris. I love it here. I was on Loveshack before, but I left because of the racism and hostility. People are so much more tolerant on TAM


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Actually, I would personally applaud the person who knows themself well enough to know they don't want children, and who don't have them. Instead of being wishy/washy about it..go on to have them, and then regret it. You are definitely a woman who knows her mind! And there is nothing in the world wrong with that. It probably serves you very well in life.


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## dadda11o (Jan 6, 2011)

Mrs. G: "I hope that the parents on TAM can tell me what's wrong with being childfree."

I think you're being smart: you are looking at yourself and not just the rosy glow of "what it should be like". My childhood was rough in spots; I can have a bad temper but have learned patience...

I love my children dearly, but if I had known what a world this is, I seriously question whether I'd have brought them into it. My "marriage" has far exceeded my childhood in terms of pain and disappointment, but won't go into that. At least I know that some people's lives are far happier and emotionally healthy. I do what I can to guide our children in that direction.

And your decision? You can always decide to have children later, to a certain point, or be a foster parent or (if you can handle kids in some doses) relieve a single parent or parents who are going through stress by watching their children and giving them time or space to deal with problems. I can't tell you how many would bless you for that! Either way, it should be your decision. And it's weird, 'cause a lot of times, you don't realize how little support you'll find in the "real world" until you're in a situation and you find your head spinning in disbelief!


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

dadda11o said:


> Mrs. G: "I hope that the parents on TAM can tell me what's wrong with being childfree."
> 
> I think you're being smart: you are looking at yourself and not just the rosy glow of "what it should be like". My childhood was rough in spots; I can have a bad temper but have learned patience...
> 
> ...


I absolutely adore spending time with my nieces or friend's children. The little ones always adore me, because I am all fun and affection. :smthumbup: All the joys of having kids without the constant responsibility. I love it!


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

major misfit said:


> Actually, I would personally applaud the person who knows themself well enough to know they don't want children, and who don't have them. Instead of being wishy/washy about it..go on to have them, and then regret it. You are definitely a woman who knows her mind! And there is nothing in the world wrong with that. It probably serves you very well in life.


Thank you so much! It serves me well, except when I'm dealing with people that think they can make choices for me.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Mrs.G said:


> I absolutely adore spending time with my nieces or friend's children. The little ones always adore me, because I am all fun and affection. :smthumbup: All the joys of having kids without the constant responsibility. I love it!


I teach kids, seeing their happy smiles everyday makes me happy!

I love kids! 

But when my husband and I just got married, we talked about having children, both of us were a kind of panicking. I didn't want to experience the pain and stress again, he thought(he still thinks) that kids kill romance, so both of us just agreed: NO KIDS! Felt very relieved after the decision was made. 

We are happy with the decision we made.


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