# Layabout husband- 3 years in a tore-apart home.



## Fameflower

I have never considered divorce until now. The issue of laziness is at a breaking point. My husband and I have been married 12 years and we have two children 11 and 5. 

I was the primary breadwinner and quit my job and am starting two related new businesses that I can do from our home. My husband works in a construction field and gets the winters off; he is very handy and does our home and car maintenance. We bought a home four years ago that needed some interior work. My husband said he could do the repairs needed. We like being self-reliant, and I have always been there to help him if he lets me know ahead of time and often even if he doesn’t. This winter, not having a job outside of the home, I can help him whenever he requests it. Three years ago he began a major project in the home that he expected at the start to have been completed that winter. He worked on it with a nice pace in the beginning, but slowed the pace. Three years later it still not done and he is always going to “work on it today” but rarely does. My house is tore apart and I do not have the skills to fix it myself. My first week after I quit, I did not do anything business related and made myself wholely available to being his partner in finishing the house project (we have worked fine together on other projects); instead he chose to watch television and never took me up on my offer. 

He has the skills, the tools, and the time and doesn’t do it. I am sick of living in a tore apart home. I never know what to respond to the curious inquires of my neighbors, friends, and family as to what is holding the project up. Our children are following suit with this lay-about attitude. It’s obvious we have different expectations of what our family responsibilities are (what we expect of ourselves and from our partner); he has rejected my requests for counseling. So going DIY family counseling I realize that while I can not make him or our children not be layabouts, I could be a better wife/mother. I have been a more attentive wife/mother over the last year, hoping in part that this would help improve his motivation to finish this project. No change.

Maybe the project really is too much? Be the change you wish to see in the world. So I called a contractor to provide an estimate two weeks ago, he said it could be done in 5 half-days with two guys. My husband is beyond upset at me for having a contractor look at it, and is it adamant that I do NOT hire a contractor, that he will “take care of this” and yet there is no progress two weeks later he has spent maybe 4 hours on fixing it up. 

It's even hard for me to work on my new business when I know he is just napping instead of working on fixing our broken house.


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## PBear

Hmmm... You could tell him that the contractor is booked for February 15th, so he's got until then to get it done. But if you use a contractor as a weapon, you'll just be pissing off someone who doesn't deserve it.

At some point, though... You need to deal with the root causes. And that may involve a boundary about the counselling. Why does he refuse that?

C


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## Fameflower

He is a staunch "do it yourselfer"... He doesn't need any help from anyone else. While I agree he is a strong person and can do many things, he is delusional to think that at times he does not need help.

He does not need help quitting smoking... he has tried numerous times without any aids and still smokes.
He does not need help changing his diet, he can fix his health on his own... he buys soda, chips, cookies, and other treats weekly.
He does not need help budgeting... he carries a growing credit card balance.
He does not need help finishing our home... our home has been tore apart for 3 years.
He does not need help being a father... our oldest child shows daily signs of disrespect and disreguard for the family.
He does not need help with his marriage.. his wife is contemplating divorce.

I am not pointing this out to belittle him, I am illustrating his resistance to change. I have never asked him to be perfect, but when I hear talk that things will change and years go by and there is none... I don't have much hope.

Three days before the contractor came, I told him I was going to have a contractor come over and give us an estimate he was very angry and told me to cancel it. I said I would not. He forgot about it. I reminded him that the contractor was coming 15 minutes before the contractor arrived (as he was still undressed at 1:00pm). I have never seen him so angry nor have I ever fear for my life until those moments. When the contractor rang the doorbell we were both by the door. He told me to tell the contractor to leave. I said I would not. He bellored out a bear-like "F#K U", and went to our bedroom. I opened the door. Nothing happened to the contractor. After he left, our 5-year and I could feel the tension even though my husband stayed in our bedroom. No words were spoken. "I'm scared for you mom." He said. 

My husband said that he has never felt so betrayed in his life. 

I am rather resolute that we should not have to live in a tore up home. If he wants to continue to live that way and keep saying he'll finish it and I want to live in a finished home and one where people do what they say they will do, then we have irreconcilable differences.


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## SamuraiJack

Oh Dear...project block.

This is a ***** and it doesnt help to be nagged for it.
Whats worse is the longer it goes, the worse the block gets.
Pretty soon the project isnt about the project any more, it's a reflection of your self worth.

I hate project block.


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## PBear

So, how close to separating or divorce are you? Have you talked to a lawyer?

C


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## Fameflower

I have not talked to a lawyer yet. We are not a rich family. Our house is our only asset worth anything monetarily.

I have formulated an exit strategy, where I will go, I have straighten out my finances and created a post two-income budget, set up things so business assets are excluded from table, what I willing to give (custody-wise, sale of our house).

I have set April as my ultimatatuim deadline (the project must be done before he goes back to work).

I understand the nagging thing. I have never ever wanted to be a nag and I think my lack of 'nagging' over the first two years contributes to the problem because it has given the appearance that this dragging the feet behavior is acceptable. 

The tore apart home is very unsettling to live it. I don't care that we don't have a kitchen table or furniture in our living room (partly because we are waiting for the project to be done). It that it looks so disruptive that you can't be comfortable in those spaces + hallways. Tears me up when he says at the beginning of the week that X will get done (and I let him alone or say when I am available to help (no nagging)).. and then Saturday rolls around and there has been no progress. It is not unknown to him that I do not want to live like this.


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## Mr.Fisty

If communicating does not work, what realistic options do you really have? If you did direct, open, communication, then it is on him that he does not listen. If you told him how the relationship and the lack of a relationship is causing your love to fade, then actions are your only recourse. At this moment in his life, he is not marriage material. It is good that your starting to separate your life from him. Just keep taking care of things on your end, and start detaching. Arguments and conflict will get you nowhere, and it will only cause more resentment. Just take care of what you need to do to get your life in order.


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## Flying_Dutchman

"Never felt so betrayed." - Projecting much?

He betrays you with every promise broken.

In the 'traditional' violent/abusive relationship one controls the other with fists and threats. Regardless of the means and whatever inner demons, it's all about the perpetrators having their needs met.

Sadistic needs clearly aren't at the forefront of your hubby's needs. His need is to sit on his arse doing fùck all while you do everything.

His promises have you meeting his needs the same way a smack in the eye gets needs met in those other relationships.


While his methods and needs may be different to the 'traditional' abuser (for now) he shares one thing with the majority of them - a HUGE narcississtic streak (ego).

Your list of the things he can and will do, if or when he feels like it - the man is a legend in his own mind.

While you tolerate him, buy his promises, hold off on the 'nagging', finance the home and do the day-to-day work around it you're about perfect for him.

You don't mention what arse-bound hobbies he has that run up his debts. Is he buying expensive DIY stuff - buying into his own legend?

No matter. Mostly, I just want you to recognise the narcissism, the 'legendary' self-image, and what happened the ONE time you actually did something (beyond an empty threat) that shattered the illusion.

The contractor provoked him into behaviour that frightened you and your kid. Why? Cuz he threatens the illusion of the legend.

Here's a guy who can and will fix your home in no time at all. He's a legend-buster - a huge dose of reality your hubby has been distancing himself from.

It may not be sex but, for your hubby, a 'fixer' that'll please his wife is a psychological threat akin to him catching you in a compromising position on the kitchen table. The legendary God of DIY, usurped by a pretender to his throne. Hence, the ferocity of his hissy fit.

You need to be on your toes here. The contractor is no threat at all to somebody who isn't delusional. Plenty of hubbies would be glad to see one for a major project. 

You need to watch out for this quick leap to rage. His marital status will be a part of his legend and you're also enabling his laziness and the fiction that he is a co-provider. You leave and you shatter his delusion.

Can't repeat it often enough - past violence, or lack of it, is not an accurate predictor of future behaviour. His reaction to the contractor is a big red flag to how he'll upscale to meet a genuine threat to his 'image'.

Seems you're half way out the door already. My advice is to keep on going and be vigilant regarding his potential to be very dangerous when you threaten his ego.

Just out of curiosity - and it may help you see another similarity with the 'traditionally' abused,, isolation - have you (because you're embarassed) and him (because he can't be bothered) effectively banned outsiders/friends and family from the home? I doubt he'll want others remarking on his lack of progress.

Anyways, good luck with your own progress.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fameflower

A month has past with virtually no progress... maybe 3 hours of work on the project each week. The rest of the time cooking (which is good), surfing the internet, napping, smoking, or watching television.

He has been coughing a lot lately. He had quit smoking from 1/1 till about 1/20. In that time he said how much better he could breathe, but went back to smoking. His breathing has gotten even worse than before. This weekend he got up from a chair, starting cough, and couldn't catch his breath between coughs. He passed out, crashing to the ground. He was unresponsive initially. He fell on something on the way down, and his eye was covered in blood (it hit his temple). "It was no big deal!" he says. He has never passed out before. He will not go see a doctor (his blood oxygen is about 90% on average), and will not stop smoking.

I had set a family budget to help us through these tight times (I am starting a business, and he is off work for the winter), I kept our food, utility, and fuel budget the same as it has always been. He chose not to participate in developing the budget. He agreed to the budget. Come the end of January, we have no money and its my fault! He ignored the budget and overspend hundreds.

Yesterday I told him I reminded him I love him and that I need him to make healthy choices to help keep our family together. 

The only response was the shock as I was suggesting that our family was falling apart. He napped for several hours after that.


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## SamuraiJack

Sounds like there is more going on here than simple block.
He needs to go see his Doc.


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## cdbaker

He needs a wake up call. He doesn't feel that the marriage is in dire straight, he doesn't feel that smoking is that bad for him (or for the finances), he doesn't feel that his health is in that bad a shape, he doesn't feel that the house being torn up is that big of a deal, etc. It sounds like you've tried to relay to him that these issues ARE major problems, but the point is that he just hasn't gotten it. He doesn't agree that they are big problems that have to be addressed.

The bigger problem however is the mere fact that he believes that he can simply disagree with you on all of these issues, or debate/argue them with you at all. Here is the reality, if the wife is saying, "I'm unhappy in this marriage, I think we have a problem" THEN THERE IS A PROBLEM. His natural reaction might be to try to explain it away ("But I am a great husband! I put food on the table, I've never abused drugs/alcohol, gambled away our money, never gotten physical with you or the kids, I do nice things from you pretty often, I'm always kind to you, etc.") because he probably disagree's with you, but the mere fact that you believe there is a problem, means there is a problem, and that can't be argued away. IT CAN'T be argued with.

I think it's natural in many ways for men to feel that they can and should fix anything. That a situation either is or is not a problem, and you can always make a case either for or against. This isn't the type of problem that a case can be made against. Even if he is literally the most perfect husband on the planet, if his wife is unhappy and feels that the marriage is in trouble, then there really is a problem!


I got all of that from the reaction you described him having as a result of your alluding to the possibility that the family could be falling apart. That means he disagrees with your position, and thus doesn't feel it merits much of a response. After all, if the marriage really isn't in trouble at all, then there really is no need for a response right? That's the key right there, I'm telling you. Ultimately this is what he needs to understand...

...Unfortunately, often times the only way for someone like this to "get it" is to deliver a painful "wake-up call." Perhaps in the form of asking him to move out for a while, filing for divorce, requesting a separation, packing up and leaving, etc. Why? Because the message that delivers is that he can disagree all day long if he wants to, but now he'll see that doing so is absolutely going to cost him his family. He might get angry at first, feel betrayed, but after a short time if he cares he will see what his choices really are.

I would suggest, before it gets to that point, that you try to sit him down one of these days and really be as DIRECT as possible with him about your concerns. Be specific and honest about how bad the situation has become. Don't shy away from painful words or try to go easy on him. I mean something like, "We need to discuss some very serious issues that have been adding up for a while and are now putting our marriage and family in jeopardy. If our family is going to survive intact, which I certainly hope it can, I am going to need some pretty big changes to take place here." Then go into each issue, using "I feel" statements as much as possible. Discuss the ongoing home remodel situation first. You acknowledge that your bringing in the contractor hurt his feelings because you know it made him feel enormously disrespected, but that the goal wasn't to disrespect him but rather to send the message that you are desperate for the project to get done and wanted him to understand that. You might point out how you do not respect him any less for struggling with smoking and healthy eating, because most people experience similar struggles, but also acknowledging that all of his efforts thus far have failed, so it is time for him to reach out for some help in achieving those important goals. See, it's ok to soften the blow a bit by affirming the things that are important to him (that being your respect for him), but you still have to deliver the painful part clearly as well. At the end, you want to acknowledge that all of these choices are his to make, but if he can't start making the right choices soon, then because of your ongoing feelings of dissatisfaction in the marriage, you'll have to start making decisions on your own as well.

In some ways that might sort of feel like a veiled threat, but really it's just being honest and forthright with him about where you stand. If he can't make these changes, you really genuinely are prepared to file for divorce and move on, and he needs to know that. He has to understand the consequences of his choices for him to be able to make them effectively.

I hope this helps some...


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## Fameflower

cdbaker, thank you for your words. I feel I have already done everything you have spelled out, with no acceptable progress. This afternoon, after working all day and finding that he had done no work on the house (he woke up at 10AM, had a nap at from 1-3pm), I told him very clearly that this issue of no progress on the remolding is a breaking point issue. That he will lose his wife by spring if its not done. He angrily started working on it. 

I don't care that he was angry. While I wish it hadn't come to, that he started working shows me he maybe wants to keep the family together.


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## *LittleDeer*

Stick to it though, if you back down he will do it over and over. 

Also spending the money that is needed to feed his children is up fathomable to me. It's very selfish.


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## unbelievable

Maybe he just has a low work drive. Have you tried more non-work related cuddling?


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## EleGirl

Fameflower said:


> cdbaker, thank you for your words. I feel I have already done everything you have spelled out, with no acceptable progress. This afternoon, after working all day and finding that he had done no work on the house (he woke up at 10AM, had a nap at from 1-3pm), I told him very clearly that this issue of no progress on the remolding is a breaking point issue. That he will lose his wife by spring if its not done. He angrily started working on it.
> 
> I don't care that he was angry. While I wish it hadn't come to, that he started working shows me he maybe wants to keep the family together.


Yep, stick to it. He needs motivation. I guess you gave him some.


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## Fameflower

Update on everything. It is now almost 2017 and my house is still torn-up. My husband still gets the winters off. He still refuses to allow contractor to do any work. Refuses to let me or our oldest son work on the house. 

He has been laid off for the season for four weeks now and all he has to show for it is one coat of mudding and sanding on a hallway wall (maybe 2.5 hours of work calculating in clean-up). He only performed this after I he lied to me about sanding two days before. I knew that had not been done because the insect caught in a spider web was still over a spot that needed mudding. 

He and the children took a week long trip to go ice-fishing (I am fine with that). We actually want to move near our favorite ice-fishing spot, but we (he) needs to finish the house first so we can sell it. 

When they got back, it was Christmas over the weekend. My husband was not feeling well, cough, plugged nose over the holiday weekend and was still not 100% on Monday. By then, I was sick, but I went to work. When I came home nothing was done. Same thing Tuesday. On Wednesday morning I left him a note before I went to work... spelling out all the projects that need to be done by Spring and reminded him that by refusing any help he is by default agreeing to do all these projects. He called me around noon to tell me that he appreciated the true note, and the he and our oldest son were prepping the living room for work. When I got home, all they had done was through our youngest son's play-fort into a bedroom. No further work was done. He informed me that he always thought of the week after Christmas as "slough week"- take it easy. I told him that we have been married for nearly 14 years and this is the 1st time I ever heard that sentiment and that he did not "request" the time off and I was not on-board with "slough week". Thursday absolutely NOTHING was done! 

Last spring I did speak with a lawyer and I got some of my basic questions answered. One of my big ones was do I have to pay my husband spousal maintenance so that he can maintain the "standard of living established during the marriage" (MN 518.552). I doesn't sound like I will but I don't have the money for her retainer fee ($3,000) and I didn't like her style she seemed to pushy for my tastes (she actually laughed at my spousal maintenance question several times, basically because we are too poor for it to apply. But I said the statute makes statement that it only applies to rich people or religious homes where the woman stays home).

Anyway I am ready "emancipate" my husband via divorce from all those broken home projects. (PS He did quit smoking for 1 year, but started up again while ice-fishing).


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## EleGirl

You would do well to talk to a 2 or 3 more lawyers. Ask them the same questions and see what they say.

If there is not a lot of property to split, you might be able to do the divorce yourself. The hardest part would be child support and custody. You might be able to pay a lawyer for only that part.

Is your husband aware that you are seriously considering divorce?


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## Fameflower

Yes, my husband knows I am seriously considering divorce.

Since last winter, we took out the equity in our torn-up home and bought a home near where we like to ice-fishing for a few $10,000. This house is completely finished and we own it outright (no mortgage). While it sounds stupid that if I were considering divorce that I would buy additional property with my husband. However, best case we have a home were we like and live happily ever after, worst case he (or I) have a place to go to if I end the marriage. We able to refinance because of the large pay increase I received from changing jobs. We still have a nice about pf equity in the home. So it wasn't a completely stupid move.

Anyway, around the first week he went back to work last spring, he had a major meltdown because I had run several loads of laundry, one was in the wash, one was in the dryer. When he came down in the morning, he was pissed I don't know, 1) His clothes weren't all washed, or 2) he had to "advance" laundry himself to get dry clothes from the items in the wash. During his winter laid of period, he rarely did laundry and he was just witnessing a continuation of my laundry program (I work year-round). He has a belief that the person doing the laundry needs to see every step through to completion (wash, dry, fold, distribute). I don't have time for that because I work full-time, I have a side business, I help the kids with homework or play. If he does laundry, he does this but that is about 10 loads a laundry a year. I never signed up for that program. For him to roar about this again sent me over the edge. I tossed my wedding ring. I was 35 years old and I didn't need to be getting yelled at for household chores when I was doing the best I can given the circumstances. I saw a divorce lawyer the next week.

Things always get better when he goes back to work, because he better pulls his weigh around the house (financially and household chore wise). 

This summer we were up at our second home. I went alone to an event at the local state park. There I met a Catholic Benedictine monk who lived in the area. He had invited the host of the event to his house to see his collection. I overheard this and was very interested in the collection personally and professionally, so I invited myself over and was accepted. The man's collection was amazing and his private lab, studio, and library were beyond my imagination. They were just what I had imagined for a business I want to start and I was astounded that someone, especially in the middle of nowhere would have this. When I came home, I was gushing over the monk's collection. My husband is not interested in this stuff and as he left to go out to the garage he called back to our oldest son "Is she still wearing her wedding ring?" Recall I has tossed my ring months before over laundry. I had not worn it for months and no one noticed. My son, said "She's NOT!" He was crushed.

For the first time in years, he really HEARD what I have been saying. I said nothing new about the relationship not feeling like a partnership but more like a parasite relationship. He finally got it. I told him that I preferred that we were partners and that if he could not do that then I was prepared to divorce. He protested about the children; wanting me to wait under they were out. I said "No. We are modeling poor behaviors for our children about how to treat one another and I will not continue without a partner for the "sake of the children"." He agreed. He has been less angry and more of a partner since this conversation up until getting off work for the winter. 

He is now back to parasite mode.

I told him yesterday that I could free him from this house project. He could live up North and I could finish this house on my own. He doesn't think I am serious.


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## *Deidre*

Yea, a lot of people stay together for the sake of the kids, I guess in part thinking that kids living separately from both parents will be a bad thing. But, the truth is, studies have shown anyway, that many kids do better after their parents divorce and thrive better in school, because they no longer see two unhappy parents, fighting and drama. If both parents put their kids first after the divorce, I can see kids being just fine...but your kids are learning that this is what a marriage looks like...a passive aggressive husband, and a wife who does everything. Maybe file and then he'll have to take you seriously. I don't believe in threatening divorce, I only believe in discussing it and then following through. 

Hope 2017 is a better year for you.


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## browser

You're going to divorce him because he doesn't finish the projects he started and he's a lazy ass?

I get your frustration but I'm thinking that's taking a sledgehammer to a nail.

Tell him he's got whatever date you pick to finish the work or you both agree to hire a contractor to finish it. 

If he refuses, then pull the funds from wherever and do it anyway. You're the breadwinner, so you control the finances, right? If not that needs to change, immediately. 

If he agrees, and then the date comes and goes and he's still fighting you on it, well then you've got your back to the wall.

From where he sits, you're going along with all of it so why should he get up off his a$$ when there's football to watch or whatever his favorite lazy a$$ past time happens to be. You've done a fine job enabling him and he's done a fine job taking advantage of you.

Is his behavior a dealbreaker? If you've tried everything and he still won't come to the table then yes, but it sounds to me like you've just let it go for too long. 

Who knows maybe filing for divorce will shake him back to reality but based on what you've written I'm thinking divorce might not be your first best option at this particular time.


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## Fameflower

Thank you for your thoughts Browser you have actually clarified that divorce is the only way out. Two years ago when I brought a contractor into the picture, after giving him weeks of notice (and ability to finish the project during his winter off), it was tantamount to adultery in his eyes. I do make most of the money, but I already do everything else I don't want to be the big bad tigh-ass money controlling jerk and take on the task on also controlling the finances. I have enabled this behavour too long and I am not willing to do one more thing to fix it.


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## zookeeper

Your words don't match your actions. No reason for him to take you seriously since there is no real consequence for his failure to do so.

He left the house for a week and you took no action on the house. Why? You treat him like a child, allow him to act like a child without consequence and then can't understand why he continues to act like a child?

It's obvious you care a hell of a lot more than he does about the house repairs. He only does the smallest thing he can to shut you up for the moment. You keep nagging at him to work, threaten to divorce and now it's years later. Nothing has changed. Except that you rewarded him with a vacation house while he still hasn't the done the stuff he promised. This is like housetraining a dog by giving it a Scooby snack everytime it craps on the floor.

You two have serious codependence issues. You want the work done? Stop talking and get it done yourself. Or do you need him as your villain more than you need the house finished?


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## browser

Fameflower said:


> I have enabled this behavour too long and I am not willing to do one more thing to fix it.


You don't actually have to fix it.

Just stop enabling it.

For example. Stop asking him or giving him deadlines to finish the work, since you now state you've already been down that road. 

Just get someone in and pay them to finish the work.

Stop thinking/worrying/anticipating what your husband might think or say about it. 

He won't actually "do" anything.


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## Blondilocks

If you divorce, you will have to start controlling your own finances.


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## She'sStillGotIt

This guy is SUCH a freakin' parasite.

He brings nothing to the table. 

NOTHING.

You bust your ass supporting the family while Mr. Under-employed works 8 months out of the year and LOAFS the other 4 months. Since he can't pick his lazy ass up off his recliner and sleeps til noon, I'll *also *assume you're the one who does most of the housework and child-rearing as well. He's about as worthless as it gets.

Invest in a lawyer. It will be the *BEST* $3,000 you ever spent.


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## 3Xnocharm

zookeeper said:


> Your words don't match your actions. No reason for him to take you seriously since there is no real consequence for his failure to do so.
> 
> He left the house for a week and you took no action on the house. Why? You treat him like a child, allow him to act like a child without consequence and then can't understand why he continues to act like a child?
> 
> It's obvious you care a hell of a lot more than he does about the house repairs. He only does the smallest thing he can to shut you up for the moment. You keep nagging at him to work, threaten to divorce and now it's years later. Nothing has changed. Except that you rewarded him with a vacation house while he still hasn't the done the stuff he promised. This is like housetraining a dog by giving it a Scooby snack everytime it craps on the floor.
> 
> You two have serious codependence issues. You want the work done? Stop talking and get it done yourself. Or do you need him as your villain more than you need the house finished?


Yep. You have been all talk to this point, why should he take you seriously? Unless you are ready RIGHT NOW to file for divorce, you need to stop threatening it.


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## EleGirl

It does sound like divorce time.

You are getting beat up a bit here for you not following through with things you threatened. But I think that most people have not lived with someone like your husband who simply will not respond to any kind of threat or consequence that you put out there. You have already given him the threat. He ignored it. So now it's time for you to follow through.

It's very hard to follow through on such huge consequences... going over his head to get the house fixed while he's in the house and will make your life miserable; or him refusing to take up the slack with the home and children when he's not working. But now is the time to follow through. You told him the consequence. He does not think that you are serious so he's not make the needed changes. So now it's time for you to file for divorce.

It is not the responsibility of a wife (or a husband) to spend their life giving consequences and dropping the hammer on their spouse to get their spouse to do what should be done. You are not his mother. It's not your place to tell him what to do and to punish him if he does not do things. The only thing you can do to save your sanity is to exit the marriage with a man who is acting like a child and treating you like his mother. If a person (your husband) will not take responsibility for things in a relationship/family, then they don't deserve that relationship/family. 

On things like his laundry. Ok, so he gripes about you not doing the laundry his way; he hardly ever does the laundry; and he does little to nothing in the house. So stop doing his laundry. Ignore his laundry. If he wants clean clothing he knows how to make that happen.


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## turnera

browser said:


> You're going to divorce him because he doesn't finish the projects he started and he's a lazy ass?
> 
> I get your frustration but I'm thinking that's taking a sledgehammer to a nail.


No, it's not. She has a legitimate HIGH emotional need for her house to be decent. He is not meeting her need. Continuously. For 14 years. That is a blatant slap in the face to her that he doesn't even care if she is happy. 

I have a two-page list of things my husband hasn't done in the last 13 years. It sits right on the kitchen counter, for the past 2 years. And as soon as I get us out of debt, I'm going to pay someone to do it all and then see about selling the house and divorcing. 

Just like OP, my husband KNOWS these things are important to me, but he always has something else that matters more. My IC even gave me the name of a contractor so I could start taking care of these things and remove H from the equation.

If your W refused to meet your top need for more than 10 years, would you not consider divorce?


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## browser

turnera said:


> If your W refused to meet your top need for more than 10 years, would you not consider divorce?


Well when you put it that way...


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## Bananapeel

If things are that bad with your husband you'd be better of getting divorced now and split the assets/debt and start fresh. There's no real benefit in waiting, unless you are hoping that the time will let your husband have an opportunity to change the situation and keep you happy enough that you want to stay married.


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## GuyInColorado

How's the intimacy between you two? Sex often?


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## FeministInPink

I agree with the other posters, it's time to put your threats into action. It's time to serve him with divorce papers.

You could encourage him to take another trip to the Ice fishing house, and have the contractor come in and do the work while husband is at the ice fishing house, and pack the rest of his sh!t while you're at it. When he gets back, hand him the divorce papers, and say, "I warned you of what would happen. I hired a contractor and a lawyer. Here's your stuff. Why don't you go back to the ice fishing house?"

Or something like that.


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## Ursula

I agree with this, and am a bit confused as to why a contractor wasn't called that initial week in December that your H was away. I'd have had those appointments made for as soon as he was out the door!



FeministInPink said:


> You could encourage him to take another trip to the Ice fishing house, and *have the contractor come in and do the work while husband is at the ice fishing house*, and pack the rest of his sh!t while you're at it. When he gets back, hand him the divorce papers, and say, "I warned you of what would happen. I hired a contractor and a lawyer. Here's your stuff. Why don't you go back to the ice fishing house?"


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## Fameflower

UPDATE. In Fall 2015, we bought a very cheap house in a mining town near where we like to ice fish. If the marriage lasted, then great, if not the he or I would have place to go when we divorced. He still didn’t finish the house in 2015, 2016, or 2017. In Winter 2017 I prepared all the divorce paperwork. 

In February 2017 the whole family got the winter crud and we all felt miserable. I dragged myself to work (I can close the door to my office). I was pissed to come home each day that week and see my husband got to lay-about in bed with his sickness. Eventually we all got better, but my husband. He continued to layabout in bed for weeks. Eventually, he agreed to go to the doctor. Long story short, they sent him to emergency room where he was admitted for respiratory distress.

He spent several days in the hospital. The told him he had a lung infection, but they believed they had an underlying lung issue. They could not tell what this issue was until the infection cleared. They told him to see a pulmonologist after he got out. Those appointments were hard to get, and we could not get one until a month after he was discharged. In that time I did give him the divorce papers. A few days later at the pulmonologist he was diagnosed with advanced pulmonary fibrosis.

This disease is a scarring of the lung and his mother past from it in 2011. He was no longer able to work, but was eligible for disability. In April 2017, the university pulmonologist told him he had one year to live.

He and our children moved up to the house in the mining town by the lake we like to fish at. I continue to live in the unfinished house working so my family can have health insurance.

Because he was given one year to live, he was eligible to get a portion of his life insurance now. He spent that on himself- a new truck, a ice fishing trailer, an ATV, a motorcycle. 

It’s now August 2018 and while his health is declining he is lively. He now spends his time at the mining town bars and squanders money on drink, smoking, and pull tabs.

Feel like an anchor is pull me under to drown me.


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## Randy Lafever

You don't think that this "laziness" may have been a symptom of the illness?


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## aine

Fameflower said:


> I have never considered divorce until now. The issue of laziness is at a breaking point. My husband and I have been married 12 years and we have two children 11 and 5.
> 
> I was the primary breadwinner and quit my job and am starting two related new businesses that I can do from our home. My husband works in a construction field and gets the winters off; he is very handy and does our home and car maintenance. We bought a home four years ago that needed some interior work. My husband said he could do the repairs needed. We like being self-reliant, and I have always been there to help him if he lets me know ahead of time and often even if he doesn’t. This winter, not having a job outside of the home, I can help him whenever he requests it. Three years ago he began a major project in the home that he expected at the start to have been completed that winter. He worked on it with a nice pace in the beginning, but slowed the pace. Three years later it still not done and he is always going to “work on it today” but rarely does. My house is tore apart and I do not have the skills to fix it myself. My first week after I quit, I did not do anything business related and made myself wholely available to being his partner in finishing the house project (we have worked fine together on other projects); instead he chose to watch television and never took me up on my offer.
> 
> He has the skills, the tools, and the time and doesn’t do it. I am sick of living in a tore apart home. I never know what to respond to the curious inquires of my neighbors, friends, and family as to what is holding the project up. Our children are following suit with this lay-about attitude. It’s obvious we have different expectations of what our family responsibilities are (what we expect of ourselves and from our partner); he has rejected my requests for counseling. So going DIY family counseling I realize that while I can not make him or our children not be layabouts, I could be a better wife/mother. I have been a more attentive wife/mother over the last year, hoping in part that this would help improve his motivation to finish this project. No change.
> 
> Maybe the project really is too much? Be the change you wish to see in the world. So I called a contractor to provide an estimate two weeks ago, he said it could be done in 5 half-days with two guys. My husband is beyond upset at me for having a contractor look at it, and is it adamant that I do NOT hire a contractor, that he will “take care of this” and yet there is no progress two weeks later he has spent maybe 4 hours on fixing it up.
> 
> It's even hard for me to work on my new business when I know he is just napping instead of working on fixing our broken house.


Sorry that this is happening. Can you garnish the money he got from his insurance and make him pay child support into an account, Surely legally there is something you can do? How are your kids? Do you spend time with them. How long does he have?


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## Laurentium

Fameflower said:


> In April 2017, the university pulmonologist told him he had one year to live.


I was going to ask if you were present when he was told this. But I guess it must be true that the doctor really said that, if the insurance company paid out. 

At that point, it would be hard for me to criticise someone for smoking - like what is the down side? Is now the time to make an effort to quit, when I've been told it's terminal?



> Feel like an anchor is pull me under to drown me.


Sure. You are in an impossible place. 

I would guess you are going to have a lot of very complicated feelings when he dies.


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## Fameflower

Laziness is sort of a symptom. There is a protectionism mechanism in all of us not to do what will hurt us. In his case, the remodeling work would have been taxing; but at any point he could have accepted help or figured out a way to have a contractor do it. He chose not to do that. 

Currently, he will do motorcycle maintenance or fix up his fish house to his liking. He has his oxygen bottle and just paces his work.


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## turnera

So I take it you didn't finalize the divorce?


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## 3Xnocharm

He spent the insurance payout on toys for himself... well isn't that awesome. Most men would spend that making sure their family was going to be taken care of after they are gone. Just one more eff you before he goes. Truly sad.


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## SunCMars

Ah, yes I know this..

I too am a staunch fixer. I can fix 'near' anything, build 'near' anything.
Wood, metal, concrete, electronics, computers.

OK.. so what.

My neighbor 'was' a friend of mine. He noted my projects, felt, I guess, envy, inferiority?
His wife was politely, a shrew.

See what SCM can do? See how much he does around the house?

She spurred him on. 
She got him to tackle projects way out of his skillset.
She eventually broke him.

Their house has been 'in a state of repair' for fifteen years and counting.
They put heavy curtains over their windows so no one can see in.

We live in an upscale neighborhood. I am surprised no one has turned him in.

Your' husband has the skills, not the hammer driver.

It sounds like he resents you. Resents marriage, his lot in life. He is depressed. 
Likely you [and life] have made him into one who is not enjoying his work.
Home remodeling must remain a joy, not a chore. 

His mind is not constructive. Therefore his energy mirrors his inner constructs.

He needs feel good pills, needs therapy.
Or, needs an outside contractor to finish his unfinished dreams.

He needs a good job to pay for it.


SCM-


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## SunCMars

How is your sex life?

Is it too, in disrepair, left unfinished, unattended?

Reason I ask....

The hand that drive nails is driven by the same mind that drives his wang-banger.

He may have low 'T'.
And abcdef.....to z.

Time for the Alphabet Witch Doctor, maybe Witch Hazel.


Lilith-


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## EleGirl

Fameflower said:


> It’s now August 2018 and while his health is declining he is lively. He now spends his time at the mining town bars and squanders money on drink, smoking, and pull tabs.
> 
> Feel like an anchor is pull me under to drown me.


I'm sure that his lack of energy has a lot to do with his illness, the choices he makes in using what energy he has is very indicative. Add to that the way he chose to spend his insurance payout. It's all pretty indicative of a man who is very self centered.

You said that the children are with him right now. But you are paying all the bills. Did I understand that right?

Is he getting disability payments now? If so how is he spending that.

One thing to think of is that you could continue with the divorce and have his life insurance as part of the divorce settlement. He might not be around to help with child support. So he can transfer the insurance policy to you and you make the payments. That way if he dies, you get the funds to help you support the children.

Plus, will there be social security for the children if he passes away? Does he have enough of a work history for that?

It sounds like right now you feel trapped because he's ill and you feel that you cannot divorce a sick man. But you can. You need to do what's best for you and the children.

How old are your children?


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## Tron

Give him a budget to live within. Cause it won't be long when your life will start anew without him.

As for him...he'll be dead. And the kids won't have a dad anymore.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

So how much was the advance and how how much is left after his departure?


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