# Should married couples share every little secret?



## cartel40 (Nov 8, 2010)

My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years now. He told me the other day that he cheated on me with a woman at a bar when we were engaged a year and a half ago. He said that he had been struggling to tell me since it happened, but never did because all of his friends (and even the chaplain) told him not to. 
Husband also told me that while I was away last week he read every page of all four of my private journals that I've had since I was literally 17 years old. HUGE invasion of privacy! I think in a way he used the information in the journals so he had something to use against me saying that I was keeping secrets from him too (even though most of those entries are irrelevant to my life now). He even played a mind game with me asking if there were any secrets I wanted to tell him about myself (knowing full well what they were).

The thing about the cheating that bugs me the most is that 90% of the great memories we have together seem like lies to me now. Now when I think about a time we spent together 6 months ago or a year ago I just feel like our happiness was a facade and that the relationship I always dreamt we would have is now ruined. The idea that all it takes for him to cheat apparently is drinking at a bar is disturbing to me because he's been to a number of those during our marriage. 

Husband also told 4 other males he works with about my personal problems because he needed to "vent" to someone. He lied about this when I asked him and it makes me sick to think that he felt the need to spread our marital issues around to people we barely know instead of just talking to me about it instead. I used to trust him 200% but now I can't trust him at all. Never in a million years did I think that he would do something like this to me since he always talked about how married couples shouldn't put themselves in compromising situations, and how he didn't believe in divorce or infidelity. 

I know he's hurting from this whole situation, and it kills me to see him cry, but then I start to feel guilty and I almost start to rationalize his cheating in my mind. I want to believe that things will get better because apparently he feels like we are closer now from sharing our secrets, but really I feel like we're getting farther apart with this burden lingering in the back of my mind.

He told me later on that he wished he had never told me about his cheating...

Should married couples share every little secret or embarassing detail (past or present) with eachother?


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I don't feel the need to tell my wife every little thing that happens, good or bad.
However, if asked, I will not lie.
For instance, she knows that I look at forums like this online, but I don't tell her what I or others post. She can look if she wants and ask me anything. 
So there are no secrets, but every snippet of information is not volunteered.


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

I can understand your feelings. I too have had a similar experience and yes, it does make you think everything in the past lacked meaning. You really start to question their love for you. Was it all a lie? You need to regain and trust and basically start all over.

What your husband did was essentially very selfish. He committed the infidelity and if did only happen once while you were engaged, he should have swallowed it and lived with it not burden you with it. He now feels better and you feel worse! How is that for a selfish act. 

Long story short, no I don't think every minute detail needs to be shared. I do think however, that if you feel you are living a lie, you need to clarify this with your spouse and they should tell the truth. Secrets and lies will kill a marriage every time.


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## How2BelieveAndMoveOn (Sep 10, 2010)

I think the answer to the question is that "Married couples should *be prepared *to share every little secret." What is the value of keeping things from each other? We all know that "I didn't lie to you just because you didn't ask me a direct question" doesn't mean you are not deceiving your spouse by not sharing things that YOU know will be hurtful (or met with disapproval). Not sharing is the same as lying and very selfish if we know how it will make our partners feel if we were to share.

I feel the same way about all my memories from the last year. I can't think of them without wondering where her head was at. We took a family vacation just before D-day and I took a boat load of great family photos...I can't look at them anymore. Originally thought that they'd make a great Christmas card photo, but not now.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

NO, married couples should not. Things that happened before we are together, just shouldn't be told. IE, if you guys don't bring it up initially upon dating, let dead dogs lye. Like its helpful to know that you used to be promiscious... before we get to start dating. I don't need to know all about your 1 night stands, 10 years into marriage.

Cork's right, he did this to make himself feel better, now he does, but he's pulled you down with him. And if you are going to keep a journal with intimate details, keep it out of range of hubby's fingertips. With time you guys can get past this, but i totally understand how you feel.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Won't lie about anything but i won't just tell him about everything either. If i were to ever cheat, i would tell him if i did it because it's a very important thing and he needs to know about it (assuming people finally crack and cheat because of problems in a marriage, not admitting to cheating won't ever solve the problem and it might occur again...). 

Keeping a secret that big would definitely degrade our relationship. As good as people think they are in keeping secrets, their mind, non-verbal language and much more will usually have an impact on the marriage (at least for me). Ex : i could hide it but i would behave in a strange manner, feel the need to detach from him, feel awkward when we're having sex etc. Then again, my emotional bond on someone requires respect, honesty and loyalty. If those aren't present, the bond will slowly start to degrade and affect both of us. 

Anyway, having said that, there are things i don't tell my husband. This forum is a great example. He has no idea i'm on here and i'm somewhat afraid to tell him (mainly because i'm learning to handle certain problems and he might feel like a lab rat if he knew i'm putting all this time into learning things). My pride is also in the mix because i need to learn to cope with things without having to rely on him. Were he to ask me tomorrow about it? I'd reveal every detail he's interested in. 

Disclosing everything is impossible in my opinion. Our days are pretty eventful even when boring and we all have some private thoughts that there's no point in disclosing. However, honesty in a relationship is invaluable. Lie to two three questions and if your partner realizes this his/her trust may be severely affected. I'm making a point in answering any question with honesty and even giving additional details without being asked when it's the case. That's my personal view on life.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Honesty is great but it's not always helpful or smart. Hearing all the details of her previous relationships isn't going to do anything for me and telling her the gory details of mine isn't going to help either of us. I'm not pointing out any wrinkles, fat, etc. If she asks, "do you think that 20 year old with the big hooties looks better than me?" or "if I died, would you find another wife?" or "does my butt look fat?" Only an idiot would give her an honest answer. She's not always looking for factual data but sometimes for affirmation. In reality, such questions really mean "do you love me?" I lie to give her an honest answer (ironic, I know). The truth is I love her, so her butt aint fat, I don't think any 20 year old is prettier or sexier, the casserole was wonderful, I adore her mother, and if she died I'd promptly commit suicide because no other woman could ever replace her.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I think we should be emotionally honest even if we think it’s going to cost us. I really do. We can’t “tell” everything that goes on in our head and some things are best left unsaid. But if ever we’re asked about something we should answer with honesty. Without that honesty the marriage has no authenticity and no integrity. We just become two people living together but never knowing each other. Who wants to go through married life living with a stranger with secrets?

Bob


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

I think that sometimes telling someone about an infidelity is selfish. 

I heard a panel of four experienced marriage counsellors say that if you are planning to leave your spouse for the ow/om, then fine, tell them, but if it is a one night stand don't say anything, suffer alone rather than hurting your SO just to relieve yourself of guilt.

Why did he tell you? What material difference would it make? He told you to feel better and in the process made you feel worse.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Do you want your husband never tells you that he cheated? You've the right to know or maybe you prefer not to know? Selfish or not is another debate. Important is you wanted to know the truth or not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Some people talk about past indiscretions and ex-lovers to hint to their current partners how "desirable" they are. But personally, I would rather hear about it from my W than finding out "the hard way"-if she confessed, I would think that she was remorseful and wanted to save the marriage, but if I found out from other sources, then I would think that she had no intention of ending said affair and I would most likely leave her.

But I don't think that spouses should share absolutely everything-there should be some bit of privacy. Unless the spouse is taking advantage of that to sneak around and deceive. But one thing that strikes me on all of these posts where the WS finally told the truth: once they get the truth, they find that they wish they were never told.


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## tuff1 (Oct 23, 2012)

it's ok for married couples to keep certain things to themselves. It is not necessary to share every little tiny (or big) thing. But anything that might impact the other (or both) parties in the relationship, it has to be discussed. 

I really feel for you when you said 90% of the good memories now seems like a facade, after all those lies. Especially you use to trust him 200%. The higher you climb, the harder you fall. It's natural. Don't beat yourself up on this, try to be in control of your thoughts and rationalizing, then you should be fine.

Another thing I'd like to talk about is the fact you husband turned back against you. It's also normal, I suppose. It's just a blame-shifting game. I thought I was the only one dealing with it, but apparently it's a very common thing. It's people defense mechanism. They will be very good at digging your weakness and use that against you when they are cornered.Even though what they use against you are not relevant to what they are defending. But it's a personal attack, so it gets you distracted and looking to defense yourself, then you'd forget you were having the high ground in the first place.

I've been through very similar relationship so I would advise you: compose yourself, organize your thoughts. Pick up yoga, meditation if you could. Purify your soul is a good way to get yourself ready to deal with whatever, including all the drama caused by the spouse. Be the master of your own, don't let him be, no matter how much you love him. 

Good luck and hope you'll work things out with your husband. I believe you will, if you do love each other.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Your husband has no boundaires:
Cheating
Invading privacy. Yes, journals are private, it's an extension of your mind, you share what you want. We all do that.
Venting about "marriage issues" with friends. Also your written secrets?

He has no boundaires. He need to be trained. There's are tons of books about boundaires in marriage.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

He should have given you the chance to decide if you wanted to marry a cheater or not. You deserve a faithful husband, what you got was a relationship built on a lie. He did come clean I'll give him that. But he cheated while engaged. What's he going to do in seven years or so?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Wait!
Zombie thread!


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