# Advice



## nothappy213 (May 6, 2018)

My wife and I have been married for 7 years now, and we have children together. However we have stopped the intimacy with one another, she said she feels I have violated her last time we were together, so I am scared to approach her for that now, I have wanted her to come back to me but it seems nothing happens, she just argues with me and cuts me down like I am a horrible person, seems the only time she wants me around is whenever I am at her service to do whatever chores she wants me to do for her so she can order me around, other than that she is just to sick to be around me. She has removed and blocked me from her Social Media Page, I have caught her talking to other men online, but she swears up and down nothing physical has happened, and it is all online chat. We took a trip about 2 months ago and she treated me like crap most of the trip, however I did have to leave her in one city and drive to the destination city for my job and I found out that night she went out with another man and she said his wife was there as well, but seems she had a good time without me. I do work 2 jobs so I am gone a lot, but I still try to hold onto hope, is there hope in this situation?


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Nope. None. See an attorney.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

I'm sorry, but you need to pull the plug. Her disrespect will only get worse. You deserve better. Your children deserve better. See a lawyer ASAP. Love your kids and turn all that love you can't have for your wife on your children. Start working on making a relationship with them the best one you can make. Please set up an appointment with a lawyer and a therapist. You will need both to survive what you are going through.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

nothappy213 said:


> My wife and I have been married for 7 years now, and we have children together.


How many children do you have? What are their ages?



nothappy213 said:


> However we have stopped the intimacy with one another, she said she feels I have violated her last time we were together, so I am scared to approach her for that now, I have wanted her to come back to me but it seems nothing happens,


What did you do that she thinks was a violation?



nothappy213 said:


> she just argues with me and cuts me down like I am a horrible person, seems the only time she wants me around is whenever I am at her service to do whatever chores she wants me to do for her so she can order me around, other than that she is just to sick to be around me. She has removed and blocked me from her Social Media Page, I have caught her talking to other men online, but she swears up and down nothing physical has happened, and it is all online chat. We took a trip about 2 months ago and she treated me like crap most of the trip, however


How long as this been going on? And why are you putting up with it? 



nothappy213 said:


> I did have to leave her in one city and drive to the destination city for my job and I found out that night she went out with another man and she said his wife was there as well, but seems she had a good time without me.





nothappy213 said:


> I do work 2 jobs so I am gone a lot,


What does this look like? How often are you gone and for about how many days? About how many days a month are you gone?

So you left her alone in a city and what did you expect her to do? Sit in a hotel room by herself? She went out with couple, man and wife. What did they do? It is ok for her to have a good time without you as long as she is not doing things like dating men.



nothappy213 said:


> but I still try to hold onto hope, is there hope in this situation?


It would take some earth shattering event to turn this around. You might be best to just start planning for divorce.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Sorry mate......this doesn't sound good at all.....not even a little bit.

You dropped her off and left her there.....with a man and wife. Any confirmation of the wife part?

*palm to face*


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Lawyer up immediately! Find out your marital and custody rights, then file, file, file!

You're being "trickle-truthed" and cheated on!*


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

It sounds like she has given up. No point in staying with someone who shows you no love. I am sure you would feel happier without her negativity. She sounds like she might get nasty so it’s probably best to see a lawyer and get things done quietly.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

She has ****-blocked you, gaslighted you and your talking it to keep the peace that ends today, tell her you had enough of her cheating, and your divorcing her cheating ass and oh yeah tell her to get off her fing ass and get a job the gravy train is over. Meet with a lawyer asap and fill.


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## nothappy213 (May 6, 2018)

Elegirl kids are under 7 we were both drinking and she said she feels i forced myself on her the whole high school girl thing, been going on for 2 years now, she chose to not go with me when she knew I had to be somewhere because my job depended on it, I am home at nights but gone all day, she is pretty. But thank you everyone else for the advice, it is wrong she has removed and blocked me from her Social Media page, even before that she had were I cannot see her friends. She can say things to me but when I talk up to her now she says it is Verbal and Emotional Abuse.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Even if she wasn't cheating, the level of disrespect is beyond the pale. Now she's calling you a rapist because you went to a place that only her boyfriends are allowed. And only her boyfriends are allowed on social media as well, which apparently is none of your business. Divorce her and go for 50% custody of the kids. Document every misdeed on her part and present it to your attorney.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

We go through life acquiring experiences and gathering information to reach decisions. You have acquired plenty of both regarding your relationship with this woman that is your wife because a piece of paper states it. 

Time to march out and rid yourself of this wife and any document that states she is that because she sure ain't that anymore. Sounds like she should have never been given that title to begin with. She was and is undeserving of it. Remedy that mistake ASAP.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

You are now the bank and the handyman to do odd jobs around the house, not the husband.

She now has other men to take care of her emotional and physical needs.

Sorry, but your marriage is over.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

You know in movies, when some guy is walking down a dark alley and suddenly a red dot appears on his forehead……….ja, that's you.

She is being coached, and when HER time is right, she's gonna sucker punch you like you've never been sucker punched before. 

The advice you've been given is spot on, lawyer up, it's gonna get ugly (I mean, uglier than it is now, which, let's be honest, is pretty ugly).


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

nothappy213 said:


> My wife and I have been married for 7 years now, and we have children together. However we have stopped the intimacy with one another, she said she feels I have violated her last time we were together, so I am scared to approach her for that now, I have wanted her to come back to me but it seems nothing happens, she just argues with me and cuts me down like I am a horrible person, seems the only time she wants me around is whenever I am at her service to do whatever chores she wants me to do for her so she can order me around, other than that she is just to sick to be around me. She has removed and blocked me from her Social Media Page, I have caught her talking to other men online, but she swears up and down nothing physical has happened, and it is all online chat. We took a trip about 2 months ago and she treated me like crap most of the trip, however I did have to leave her in one city and drive to the destination city for my job and I found out that night she went out with another man and she said his wife was there as well, but seems she had a good time without me. I do work 2 jobs so I am gone a lot, but I still try to hold onto hope, is there hope in this situation?


:surprise:

Are you for real?

I mean, damn I don’t know where to start. 

Read No More Mr Nice Guy. 

Stop being at your wife’s beck and call. 

Start working out. 

There is a good possibility your wife is cheating on you physically. It is obvious she is emotionally cheating. 

Just because you have kids doesn’t mean anything. Kids will do just fine with single parents as long as they are loved. 

It does more harm being brought up in a dysfunctional home. Where they don’t see mommy and daddy loving one another. 

She obviously doesn’t love you. She has told you this by her actions. File for divorce and 50/50 custody of your kids. This will be the only way to show you are not going to take what she is doing any longer. 

Don’t say a word to her until you have talked with a lawyer and have followed their advice on separating everything. When looking for a lawyer do not choose one that basically says your screwed. Choose one that believes positively and is willing to fight. 

If you want to save the marriage you have to be willing to lose it. 

I personally think your wife is physically cheating on you with several different people.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

nothappy213 said:


> Elegirl kids are under 7 we were both drinking and she said she feels i forced myself on her the whole high school girl thing, been going on for 2 years now, she chose to not go with me when she knew I had to be somewhere because my job depended on it, I am home at nights but gone all day, she is pretty. But thank you everyone else for the advice, it is wrong she has removed and blocked me from her Social Media page, even before that she had were I cannot see her friends. She can say things to me but when I talk up to her now she says it is Verbal and Emotional Abuse.


So she plays the victim when in reality you are.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Nothappy, what do you hope to gain by hanging in there with her? You know in you're heart, and from example time and time again, she's not going to change from the harpy and adulteress she is to a loving, giving wife. Why would she do that? It won't be because you love her so much and you're going to say some magic words that make her realize how precious you are. She has no romantic interest in you my man. What she had is gone. The spiel she gave you about forcing yourself on her probably is horse shyt and an excuse to keep you at bay; since it makes her skin crawl to think of you as being inside of her. 
I'm voting with most others that you need to unload this noisy, high maintenance, irritating cargo. Don't give us no crap about staying for the kids. You're staying for you. Virtually all data indicates kids trapped with parents in an unhappy marriage are more f'd up than those in a single parent household. Oh yea. I'd bet money while giving odds she's doing some of the guys she's met on internet, including the stranger she met out of town. Your already treated like a fool. Quit acting like you are one and smell the coffee. You know what you need to do.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Get a couple voice activated recorders (Var's), put one in her car, double velcroed under the front seat.

You will catch her in conversation with the person(s) she is cheating with.

Keep one on you at all times you are around her, it's voice activated so make sure it is on.

You are protecting yourself from false accusation made to the police or others.

Do not, repeat do not confront her with anything you find on the VAR, don't be a bone head. We see early cofrontations blow up in the betrayed spouses (BS) face all the time. Bring what you find here, VERY IMPORTANT!!

The 2 links below shows the newbie thread and the standard evidence thread, please read them.

You can swap the VAR in the car out with the one in your pocked to review it.

Keep anything you find in a safe place, preferably off site. This includes, screenshots, concurrent notes, etc!

She is no longer your friend, you are now the person in the way of her happiness, but for now she has to keep your wallet around, and she resents you for it.

Infidelity is unlike any other problem in a marriage because it fundamentally changes the cheater's loyality, so don't be foolish. Things have changed.

Lay low for a while as you gather evidence.

Cheaters follow a script, it is all too familiar to those who give support here.

So far your wife is following it to the letter, sorry there is a 99.999% chance there is another man (or person).

Keep updating your thread, get to know the posters who help you, you will be surprised at the amount of time and effort they will invest to help you.

When the time comes to take action remember, overall it is the betrayed spouse that takes action that sees the most remorse, usually controls the narative, and best protects themself.

I wish you well, take care.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Decorum said:


> Get a couple voice activated recorders (Var's), put one in her car, double velcroed under the front seat.
> 
> You will catch her in conversation with the person(s) she is cheating with.
> 
> ...


This is very important. Her claim that you talking to her is emotional abuse indicates she's setting you up for domestic violence charges. She's going to get you arrested, thrown out of the house, and barred from seeing your kids if you're not careful. Don't spend any time alone with her without a var or video cameras running.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@nothappy213 did you force yourself on her?

If not, then you need to stop her nonsense ASAP.


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## nothappy213 (May 6, 2018)

No I did not force myself on her we were both drinking and she said that whole you did it with me while I was drunk even though you both remember everything the next day. I have already read the No More Mr. Nice Guy thing, but yeah her respect for me is gone, I tried to sit with her last night and she acted like I was up in her personal space. I know I am going to have to pay some money, but on my salary just wondering how much, I just have to buy my time, and find a place, she says she will not sign the papers if I file them because she will not leave me because of the kids and she puts them first, however I am sick and tired of living this life, and know there has to be a woman out there somewhere that would be good to me, I see people who find them and are happy the rest of their life. Thank You again everyone for the advice.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

I’m sorry, but it is over.

I would suggest that you quit one of the two jobs so that you can spend more quality time with your children. Tell her that if money is an issue, she should get a job outside of the home for 2 reasons,
1). She will get a break from the kids and housework
2). She can enjoy all of the pleasures of being in the working world.


You need to protect yourself. The next thing she might do is to say you did something more severe. She is not well mentally, and in her state, she might claim you actually assaulted or raped her. 

Distance yourself both physically and emotionally 

Good luck


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

nothappy213 said:


> she says she will not sign the papers if I file them because she will not leave me because of the kids and she puts them first, .


This doesn't matter. There are ways around her not signing and every lawyer knows this. Don't use this as an excuse crutch.

Your objective here is to keep your eyes and ears out......do not confront!


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Mr.Married said:


> This doesn't matter. There are ways around her not signing and every lawyer knows this. Don't use this as an excuse crutch.
> 
> Your objective here is to keep your eyes and ears out......do not confront!


Exactly, especially if this is a no-fault state and even more so if you have the proof of infidelity, you list the heck out of that for the reasons why and it doesn't matter if she signs them or not, it just prolongs the prolongs the process.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Most likely she was pissed and projecting on you because the reduced inhibition due to drinking cause her to cheat on her boyfriend with you. She's not dragging her feet for divorce because of the kids. She dragging her feet because the timing ain't right for her to debark one gravy train to another. 
Remember, the sometime lengthy process of divorce does not prevent you from window shopping for a new model. See if you can get your employer to give you a temporary transfer until you can rid yourself of this vampire. In the meantime put her azz on an austere budget and have the money deducted to a credit union account.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

your response should be i will never live in a marriage that is heartless, sexless and be married to a cheater.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

nothappy213 said:


> My wife and I have been married for 7 years now, and we have children together. However we have stopped the intimacy with one another, she said she feels I have violated her last time we were together, so I am scared to approach her for that now, I have wanted her to come back to me but it seems nothing happens, she just argues with me and cuts me down like I am a horrible person, seems the only time she wants me around is whenever I am at her service to do whatever chores she wants me to do for her so she can order me around, other than that she is just to sick to be around me. She has removed and blocked me from her Social Media Page, I have caught her talking to other men online, but she swears up and down nothing physical has happened, and it is all online chat. We took a trip about 2 months ago and she treated me like crap most of the trip, however I did have to leave her in one city and drive to the destination city for my job and I found out that night she went out with another man and she said his wife was there as well, but seems she had a good time without me. I do work 2 jobs so I am gone a lot, but I still try to hold onto hope, is there hope in this situation?


She Sounds like a terrible person to be honest and has no respect for you. it is hard as she has destroyed your self worth and confidence but this is not a relationship you should be in, this will destroy you so you should not worry about what a life without her looks like as it will be better. I do not know any details but understand how you feel and trust be life after will be so much better that I can promise.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

nothappy213 said:


> No I did not force myself on her we were both drinking and she said that whole you did it with me while I was drunk even though you both remember everything the next day. I have already read the No More Mr. Nice Guy thing, but yeah her respect for me is gone, I tried to sit with her last night and she acted like I was up in her personal space. I know I am going to have to pay some money, but on my salary just wondering how much, I just have to buy my time, and find a place, she says she will not sign the papers if I file them because she will not leave me because of the kids and she puts them first, however I am sick and tired of living this life, and know there has to be a woman out there somewhere that would be good to me, I see people who find them and are happy the rest of their life. Thank You again everyone for the advice.


Unless you approve of her dating and sexting other men while married to you, you need to cut this vampire loose.

BTW, signing the papers is not up to her. Depending on what state you are in, she may be permitted to delay it some, but the D-train will always keep moving (albeit slowly or quickly). She won't be able to stop it.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

nothappy213 said:


> No I did not force myself on her we were both drinking and she said that whole you did it with me while I was drunk even though you both remember everything the next day. I have already read the No More Mr. Nice Guy thing, but yeah her respect for me is gone, I tried to sit with her last night and she acted like I was up in her personal space. I know I am going to have to pay some money, but on my salary just wondering how much, I just have to buy my time, and find a place, she says she will not sign the papers if I file them because she will not leave me because of the kids and she puts them first, however I am sick and tired of living this life, and know there has to be a woman out there somewhere that would be good to me, I see people who find them and are happy the rest of their life. Thank You again everyone for the advice.


This is not for her to decide. You do what is best for your kids and yourself. If she doesn’t sign the court will grant it after a period of separation. Do not leave the house until you talk with a lawyer.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Take heed to these posts, this is what you need to hear.

You are in enemy territory, you need to focus and go all SERE on this. (Escape and evade).

Be true to yourself, protect yourself, put one foot in front of the other and you will get through this.

It will be worth it, you will be glad you did!

I wish you well.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

So this is a good time to mention this.

She feels like she has the upper hand, by that I mean all the power in the relationship.

Once she realizes that you are going to take off the dog collar, that you have a plan you are purposing to implement, for a future that does not include her, once she knows you are determined to take action, she will pull the trigger on the most dishonest, heartless betrayal possible, or she will do a complete 180.

The last one, the change back into the "girl you married" is more shady and duplicitous then you can imagine.

The first is to cripple your ability to protect yourself, the second is to stall for time.

Given a chance she would still stake you out in the hot Arizona sun and sew your eyelids open.

Don't fall for it, it will not last. No matter how sincere she seems.

It's just a siren call!


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

And why are you still married? For the kids? However kids learn how to interact with a spouse by watching their parents. That is why I am still happily married 46 years later. We even still have great sex.  I know a lot of people think that they should stay married for the sake of the kids but why? It is not that you are showing them a loving relationship with your spouse. So why? Half the kids out there come from divorced parents. It does not have the stigma that it used to be and guess what, kids adapt and grow up just fine. It cannot be good to see your parents not love each other or treat each other bad or in a non intimate way. It is a bad example to set for children. 

I sometimes wonder if people use their kids as the excuse to not divorce to cover the real reason of being afraid to start all over again. To have to do your own laundry, make your own meals and live alone in an inexpensive apartment because of alimony and child support. All of my ex friend are divorced and I saw them go through it. Yet they have great kids who are doing very well and they are all happy with their new wives/husbands. 

I would never put up with what you do and if my wife told me that she no longer wanted to have sex with me because she is not attracted to me or loves me anymore, I would assume that I could have lovers outside of my marriage. However we are all different so we cannot tell you what to do. We do not walk in your shoes, but I can say that you are only given a certain number of years to live and see no sense in making most of them miserable. I have also know people who figured that they will forgo their own happiness and stay divorced only to die soon after their kids graduate from college. All of my nieces and nephews are from divorced parents and they are all college grads in very high paying professions. They have good spouses and turned out very good. Do you think maybe you are hiding behind your kids? I cannot read your mind.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Your wife is obviosuly cheating. To top it off she has zero respect for you. Newsflash it is not up to her to decide that she is not leaving you. Of course she is not leaving you. She has an ATM, Babysitter, Cook, Cleaner, Handy Man, Butler all rolled into one. And she doesn't even have to sleep with you.

Take the initiative and take the decision out of her hands. See a good divorce lawyer, find out how a divorce will shake out for you, then cut her off financially, emotionally, whatever. Don't leave the house, support your kids, but don't support her. She will get a few realities of what life without you will mean. In short Poverty.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You sound like a nice man. Unfortunately, you have to do something that is not at all nice in order to recover your life. You have to offload your bully of a wife.

She is a shrew who simply believes that she calls all the shots. Zero respect for you.

I agree with the others that you should not hesitate to tell her the party is over. File for divorce. She's so far on the nasty side of the spectrum that it won't take much to find someone better.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Do you have any knowledge of her having a history of sexual abuse or other trauma history? Some of what you describe fits that very well, though it also fits other things.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Please follow the advice you're being given. Get the VAR to carry on you in order to protect against false charges of abuse or violence. Download the recordings to a secure storage she cannot get to. Ideally one on the cloud plus one on a hard drive encrypted.

She is indeed working against you at this point. When someone tells you that you have in some way abused them, there really is no way back from that. She believes it. That's why she says it. She is going to plot her escape to maximize how much money she gets from you and how badly she can hurt you legally.

You should go talk to a lawyer asap. Most will give you a free consultation as a way to find new clients. You can find out how divorce generally works in your location. Financial settlements, alimony, and child support. You'll get about 15 - 30 minutes free time. Go talk to several attorneys if you can. You need real information, not what you read on the internet.

I don't see any recovery from your situation to a good happy marriage unless she has a total change of heart and mind. You can't do this for her. You can approach the apparent infidelity and attempt to get a reconciliation process going, but she will have to carry a heavy load. You're far away from that right now.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

A few things.

First, be very careful of the VAR. There are legal limits on their use. 

Second, listen to what has been said here, but it's your life. Each of us has made our decisions, and you will get a range of views. Think about what your realistic options are, then what you want. Divorce is certainly an option if that is what you want. Bear in mind that if your wife chooses divorce, ultimately you can't stop her. You can choose to work on things, but there seems to be a lot of work to be done, and both of you have to be willing to do it. You can't do it alone. And it may succeed, but there are no guarantees. 

Third, get some legal advice. You need to protect your position, especially in the event that your wife makes a move unexpectedly.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

nothappy213 said:


> No I did not force myself on her we were both drinking and she said that whole you did it with me while I was drunk even though you both remember everything the next day. I have already read the No More Mr. Nice Guy thing, but yeah her respect for me is gone, I tried to sit with her last night and she acted like I was up in her personal space. I know I am going to have to pay some money, but on my salary just wondering how much, I just have to buy my time, and find a place, she says she will not sign the papers if I file them because she will not leave me because of the kids and she puts them first, however I am sick and tired of living this life, and know there has to be a woman out there somewhere that would be good to me, I see people who find them and are happy the rest of their life. Thank You again everyone for the advice.


Then tell your wife to work two full time jobs! 

Separate all money you earn and keep it in your name only!

Cancel all credit cards in her name now! 

Stop working so much! Let her work more and you work less - that way when you file for divorce she won't get as much support money from you. You can file - you do NOT need her permission. 

Stop doing things she asks of you - you're not her puppet!

Why aren't you taking action to make her uncomfortable? People only change when they are made to be uncomfortable... so stop being so nice to her.

Separate money first, cut off her credit cards and give her allotted money each week for groceries. Demand a receipt.

She needs a job - or two! And you need to see an attorney.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

re:VAR's

There are twelve jurisdictions that require all party consent before recording; California, Connecticut, Florida, Illinois, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Montana, Nevada, New Hampshire, Pennsylvania, and Washington.

You can check the most up to date status of your state here,

http://www.rcfp.org/can-we-tape/state-state-guide

False charges are a crime in every state, thankfully.

If you live in an "all" party state, and you feel uncomfortable, then anytime you feel at risk you can inform her that you are recording the conversation with a var, ask her if she understands.

Using a VAR may protect you from false acusations, or facilitate the truth for other concerned parties, like her parents, etc.

With any luck it will discourage any superfluous discussion as well.

Keep everything in a secure location.

Consult with your attorney to get a qualified legal opinion in you jurisdiction.

I wish you well!


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Have you talked to a lawyer yet?


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Look nothappy213, listen to your advisors here. Stop complaining and do something for yourself. Do your 180 and, for God's sake, get an attorney.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

legal separate immediately, get finances under control. Get power of attorney handled. And stop interacting with her. She is trying to **** you. Next when you are all quiet and living a non-intimate life with her...She will bring in her "new guy". Rest assured. This is basically a slow exit affair taking place. Sorry, but you need to get out and leave this monster in the dust.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Any update?

Is she working?


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## nothappy213 (May 6, 2018)

You all have given me good advice, the VAR would be good, but have tried that in the past, she keeps her cell phone glued to her at all times and sends stuff in text messages, I do not have access to that because her dad pays that for her. As far as an Attorney I cannot afford one, I have went a couple of years ago right after all of this started and they gave me brief advice, but then demanded money. I do not have anyone to help me as my parents have passed, and don't have any family. I am trying to repair my credit so anything she has is off of her score, however her score stays perfect because I pay her bills. We cannot really even sit in the same room together, and she said for me to find someone to be with just be in the house at night. To me that is not how I planned on spending my adult years being not loved.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

nothappy213 said:


> You all have given me good advice, the VAR would be good, but have tried that in the past, she keeps her cell phone glued to her at all times and sends stuff in text messages, I do not have access to that because her dad pays that for her. As far as an Attorney I cannot afford one, I have went a couple of years ago right after all of this started and they gave me brief advice, but then demanded money. I do not have anyone to help me as my parents have passed, and don't have any family. I am trying to repair my credit so anything she has is off of her score, however her score stays perfect because I pay her bills. We cannot really even sit in the same room together, and she said for me to find someone to be with just be in the house at night. To me that is not how I planned on spending my adult years being not loved.



Stop paying her bills and work on your own credit score.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I agree, stop paying for anything of hers!

Pack her bag and have her move now!

You call the shots from here moving forward.


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## jewels465 (Nov 20, 2014)

Have you ever thought about counseling? You guys loved each other at one time. Maybe you could start there. She seems pretty far gone, but maybe it’s worth a shot. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## nothappy213 (May 6, 2018)

She mentioned it, she says we need to stay together for our children's happyness, and said I just need to keep trying, but thing is I still feel she only wants to be around me when she wants something done, I have tried to just sit in a room with her whenever we don't have anything to do, I have tried to even go up to her and kiss her and nothing she acts like she is disgusted, to me when she talked to these other men and as of late and then always acts to sick to be around me or get easily annoyed, I mean is it worth saving? We have argued for two days now, I keep telling her it would be best for us to split but she acts like she wants to try but is it the siren that you mentioned before? She keeps throwing out all of these threats and manipulation?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

You need to go look in her purse and find your balls. Take that ring out of your nose that she leads you around by.

What do YOU want? What would make YOU happy? Nothing is going to change in your marriage if you don't take decisive and massive action. Imho it is not possible to transform this marriage into a fun happy marriage. I could be wrong, but to get to that fun happy marriage it is going to require her to change in very significant ways. That isn't going to happen without very large motivators. You can try MC, but if I were you I wouldn't waste much time at all if she isn't making strong consistent effort.

Your kids deserve to be in a healthy home, even if that means divorced parents. Your current home is a terrible place for them. They are learning really bad lessons about how to interact, how to resolve conflicts, and what a marriage/family looks like.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

nothappy213 said:


> she said for me to find someone to be with just be in the house at night.


No woman who has a belly button of lint's worth of love for you would ever be ok with that or talk to you that way.

She dispises you.

I am sure you are not going to go for it, an open relationship would be another matter.

In all likelyhood she knows you will not cheat, (like she has), so giving you permission evens the score.

Or

She wants to use your behavior as the reason for divorce, make you the bad guy.

Or

She has lost such respect for you (Duh!) that any physical contact with you is nauseating to her.

Or

She is afraid to be alone, and enter the dating world is offputting to her. This lets her ease into it at her own pace.

Or

Who knows?

Time to cut your losses and move on. A year after you do you will wonder why you waited.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Nothappy, she is revulsed by your physical presence. adon't be physical with her anymore. The 180 is it! By the way, a lot of attorneys take payments. It looks like you can't afford not to get one.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

You need to find a way to lawyer up, even if it puts you into short term debt. Else you will literally lose your back side. As others have said, many take payment plans, or the like. Leverage your parents, siblings, whatever you have to do to come up with $ for a good lawyer.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

nothappy213 said:


> She mentioned it, she says we need to stay together for our children's happyness, and said I just need to keep trying, but thing is I still feel she only wants to be around me when she wants something done, I have tried to just sit in a room with her whenever we don't have anything to do, I have tried to even go up to her and kiss her and nothing she acts like she is disgusted, to me when she talked to these other men and as of late and then always acts to sick to be around me or get easily annoyed, I mean is it worth saving? We have argued for two days now, I keep telling her it would be best for us to split but she acts like she wants to try but is it the siren that you mentioned before? She keeps throwing out all of these threats and manipulation?


She wants to stay together for HER happiness. Daddy baby sitter mowing the lawn while she plays with her boyfriends. 

Dude, you disgust her because your physical desires are interfering with her day dreaming about the other guy. She does not want to cheat on HIM. 

You don't need her permission to divorce her. Just file. When she squawks and squeals and threatens and claims you raped her just remind her if you are sooo terrible why does she want to stay married? Remind her that your physical presence clearly disgusts her. She obviously has cut you out of her life indicating she rather be with someone else. So you are setting her free. Wave goodbye. 

File and finish it.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

After my wife’s affair, I was determined to keep the marriage together so my kids would have two parents around, and we made it. That was over quarter century ago. So it can be done.

But......

It comes at a price. 

My wife was prepared to work on some aspects of the relationship, enough to make it workable. So our marriage had good and bad. And I learned that I couldn’t control her, only me. And we are human. You cannot live without relationships any more than you can do without the food you eat or the air you breathe.

If your wife is not even making an effort, if her only reason to stay together is for the kids, then to don’t have much to work with. I think you are either going to end up divorcing, or you are going to have an open marriage, not by choice, unless she changes.

I would strongly recommend you start planning for divorce, because I don’t think the open marriage thing would work for most people. And I would not discuss the details or seek her input. If she doesn’t want to work on the relationship together, then she doesn’t get input to your life. 

The altlernative is to stay around while she tells you to, and then let her make the decision to end the marriage at a time and in circumstances of her choosing. But it may be that seeing you start to act will make her think.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Good luck living your life on your **** wifes terms.

In reality the only one keeping you in this is you.

Maybe you should try developing some self respect


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

nothappy213 said:


> Elegirl kids are under 7 we were both drinking and she said she feels i forced myself on her the whole high school girl thing, been going on for 2 years now, she chose to not go with me when she knew I had to be somewhere because my job depended on it, I am home at nights but gone all day, she is pretty. But thank you everyone else for the advice, it is wrong she has removed and blocked me from her Social Media page, even before that she had were I cannot see her friends. She can say things to me but when I talk up to her now she says it is Verbal and Emotional Abuse.


You do not deserve this disrespect.

Talk to her and then Suggest counselling
If she doesn’t agree then go see a lawyer
Do the 180 on her, stop pandering to her, be prepared to lose her and let her see that you are
Rely on close friend or sibling to get through this
It sounds as if she feels neglected, a dangerous scenario for any marriage


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

nothappy213 said:


> No I did not force myself on her we were both drinking and she said that whole you did it with me while I was drunk even though you both remember everything the next day. I have already read the No More Mr. Nice Guy thing, but yeah her respect for me is gone, I tried to sit with her last night and she acted like I was up in her personal space. I know I am going to have to pay some money, but on my salary just wondering how much, I just have to buy my time, and find a place, she says she will not sign the papers if I file them because she will not leave me because of the kids and she puts them first, however I am sick and tired of living this life, and know there has to be a woman out there somewhere that would be good to me, I see people who find them and are happy the rest of their life. Thank You again everyone for the advice.


Being kicked out of the marital bed is grounds for divorce (barring any physical reasons).


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

You need to man up and give her a few realities.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

You will have to develop the will and conviction to refuse anything less than what you deserve. If you settle for less, it'll be your fault. As the other posters said, you'll have to delve into the world of discomfort. Your discomfort at making her life uncomfortable. If you're afraid or unwilling to go there, you will remain on TAM talking about this in May 2019. She has it made and all she has to do is give you instructions on what she wants or not wants you to do. Pretty good deal there. You'll have to create your own new deal. You will have to be smart, bold and not back down. She will test you with threats and other defense ploys, so expect that and do what's effective anyway. Here's a story from another site you may want to use to draw reference from, if not inspiration. I'm pasting approximately 2/3 of the story. 

------------------

After our fourth anniversary we had moved to a new city and we were both working decent jobs, and I was going to grad school part time at night. We had our ups and downs but overall we got along better than I had hoped. Like a lot of young married couples just starting out, especially in a new city, we did not have a lot of friends or family to socialize with. I knew that my WW dearly missed her friends and the party life. In the previous two years there had been some red flags when she had gone out with coworkers for happy hour, and had come late and been cold and defensive. I also overheard some of her friends talking about some questionable behavior on a business trip to a conference. My gut was telling me that all was not right. But Imhad no proof anything had happened.

My DDay was in early December on a Friday night. My WW went to her office Xmas party with friends while I stayed home and crammed for grad school finals. I was thankful for the exams because I hated going to social gatherings. I was still up cramming when she came home very, very late obviously drunk, disheveled and sobbing that she was sorry. She immediately confessed that she had kissed two guys at the party and had sex with a third guy after the party had disbanded. I remember feeling like I had been kicked in the stomach and I wanted to lash out in anger, but actually managed to keep calm. I told her I loved her and that she had taken me out of the depths, but that we were going to have to separate the next day.

She fought the idea but eventually gave in when I explained that I needed to concentrate on my finals if we were going to have a future at all, and I couldn’t concentrate with her there. After my exam, I helped her move in with a friend and we were separated for the next five months with very little contact except for finances and responsibility for bills. We did not chit chat about our daily life or problems. I simply could not do it.

We were separated over Xmas, and three weeks after DDay I filed for divorce. My WW was furious and hurt that I had filed for divorce but she knew my reasons. I was simply not going to spend one minute of my adult life in a dysfunctional relationship if I could help it. I had spent my entire childhood as a pawn in my parents abusive marriage and as much as I loved my WW I was not going to live in a dysfunctional M. I literally could not do it. I was certainly not a macho guy or decisive by nature, but we all have our limits.

Beginning in January, although heartbroken, I continued with my life. I returned to my part time grad school classes at night as well as working full time during the day. I joined a running club and tried to stay active with friends as awkward as it was with my WW missing. Five months after we separated and before the D was final, my WW tracked me down and pleaded with me to give her a chance to save the M. We set up a date for lunch.

I was shocked and amazed at the changes she had made. She had changed everything including her appearance, dress, demeanor and attitude. She had cut her hair short, dressed more conservatively and put forth a more serious demeanor. She had quit her old job and found a new one. She had apologized to her former coworkers for her behavior at the Xmas party. Before she left the job she had asked some of the women in the office how she came across at work. They told her she acted too open and flirty with male coworkers, and she dressed inappropriately at times, seemed “available” and non serious. She told me that she had made changes in her life to try and win me back and convince me to stay together. She gave me a shoebox full of love notes she had written about what she loved about me. She gave me a complete description as much as she could remember of what, when, and whom was involved in the Xmas party incident along with a sincere letter of apology.

We started to date again and observing her consistent changes, I believed that her actions were sincere and I stopped the divorce proceedings. We moved back in together in August. She was consistent in her actions. She did not socialize after work and she let me know her whereabouts. For company functions we attended together or not all. She was attentive to the hurt and pain that kept churning my stomach that would not dissipate. Finally my anger came and I would verbally lash out. She never flinched and took full responsibility for her actions. Finally after almost two years I felt stuck and I needed to get past my anger. I was determined that if we were going to stay married I did not want her infidelity to define us. I opened myself to her and became vulnerable. And the floodgates opened and we were able to eventually regain that great connection that had brought us together in the first place. We had real conversations and shared our fears and hopes as well. We moved forward together. The pain of her infidelity has never gone away and I will never forget, but we have moved on to so many more great memories that it is just one of many memories.

My fWW told me years afterwards that one of the things that she could never figure out is that after we separated and I filed for D, that I did not pursue her to try and reconcile and save the M. She told me she had always been pursued by men her entire life, she was the prize, and when I did not pursue her she became frustrated and missed our connection and realized she really wanted to save the M. This was the impetus for all the positive changes she made. Of course over time I also had to change and embrace more socializing and become more comfortable in her world as she did in mine. But that was only after we got back together. I was too hurt and too angry to focus on those changes until much later.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Until you make a decision you're going to wallow in this.

Stop letting your weakness and fear define you.


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## nothappy213 (May 6, 2018)

I haven't posted on this for a few weeks, we have co-existed, but she keeps saying with love she doesn't feel the love either, but I tell her to come to me and she makes the comment it is all about sex to you, and I am sorry it has been over a year, I feel you do have to have a little bit of intimacy to make it work, and I am not getting this from her. Still makes the comment need to hold it together for the sake of our children. I just do not know what to do, but thank you for the advice.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

nothappy213 said:


> I haven't posted on this for a few weeks, we have co-existed, but she keeps saying with love she doesn't feel the love either, but I tell her to come to me and she makes the comment it is all about sex to you, and I am sorry it has been over a year, I feel you do have to have a little bit of intimacy to make it work, and I am not getting this from her. Still makes the comment need to hold it together for the sake of our children. I just do not know what to do, but thank you for the advice.


If you keep doing the same thing and expect a different result then you are going to be sorely disappointed.
Your wife sees you as a paycheck and a handyman around the house.
You say her credit is perfect because you pay all the bills,well stop that for a start.Let her know you need to save some money for the future because you will be separating if things don’t change.
And mean it!


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## Knips (May 23, 2017)

Take control and file a divorce. Do not allow another man in you're house. If all the love is gone there is no reason to stay together. If you stay you will have an unhappy family. This unappiness will effect the children.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

nothappy213 said:


> I feel you do have to have a little bit of intimacy to make it work, and I am not getting this from her. Still makes the comment need to hold it together for the sake of our children. I just do not know what to do, but thank you for the advice.


Actually you don't have to have a little bit of intimacy to make it work. Youre proving that. Youre getting your marching orders from your queen, who is apparently an expert in what the kids need in a family dynamic, so just simmer down and accept your fate as merely someone to serve a social and financial resource function. In another life she was Cleopatra searching for Mark and you were one of the eunuchs appointed to serve her. The problem now is that is painful for us to watch a man perform self castration as you are doing.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

You are "in love" with the idea of having a wife and family. You cannot love someone who actively hurts you. You are her provider and security blanket. She wields her "sex" over your head like Damocles. Enough of that! You need to find self love. You need self respect. You are a mirror for your children and they will reap what you sow. 

Start separating finances, get her a job that pays enough to take care of herself. And start talking with a lawyer for separation. Payments - co parenting and such.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

nothappy213:

1. *Read this post;* http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/378298-getting-ready-drop-news.html

2. *Now read this post;* http://talkaboutmarriage.com/private-members-section/415794-post-divorce-issues.html

3. Maybe your wife has been cheating, maybe not. However, she is not performing the basic duty of a wife in marriage. *You have every right to divorce her for withholding affection.*

4. Divorces are no fault, it doesn't matter if she signs the papers or not. *You can divorce her without her permission.*

5. *Have her served.* Divorce takes a long time. She will be shocked. It may shock her into some sort of action. What you want is action instead of being in limbo. You want reconciliation or divorce. Nothing in between.

6. *A hateful marriage is not better than an amicable co-parenting situation.*

7. You need to *stop asking and start telling* her what is going to happen.

8. She may be holding out on you because she believes in a monogamous relationship,* just not with you.* She probably has a "side piece". She maybe loyal to them but not to you.

9. You need to show *strength* when dealing with her, otherwise she will continue to disrespect you. You need to be *courageous* and not give in to fear. Be *decisive*, you have nothing to lose but a harpy of a wife. *Vacillating, will just keep you in misery.*


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Divorce her. 

She has checked out my friend.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

nothappy213 said:


> I haven't posted on this for a few weeks, we have co-existed, but she keeps saying with love she doesn't feel the love either, but I tell her to come to me and she makes the comment it is all about sex to you, and I am sorry it has been over a year, I feel you do have to have a little bit of intimacy to make it work, and I am not getting this from her. Still makes the comment need to hold it together for the sake of our children. I just do not know what to do, but thank you for the advice.


You know what you have to do. You simply don't want to. Stop making excuses. This problem is not going away, it is only going to get worse. Soon she will be bringing lovers home and asking you to serve them drinks. So end this madness now. 

So rinse, wash, repeat. 

Stop paying her bills. Take that money and give it to a lawyer as a retainer. Find a attorney who will take a monthly payment plan. Many do. Have her served at work. Have your attorney to get an order from the judge that she is not to move the children out if the marital home. When she blows up your phone simply remind her you are giving her what she wants, freedom to pursue others as you will be doing soon, Simply state you did not sign up for insults and celibacy when you exchanged marriage vows with her. When she comes home yelling and screaming as she will just keep a VAR on you at all times recording her nastiness.

If filing for divorce and actually doing it does not save your marriage nothing will. You cannot nice her back, She does not care at this point. 

It is your life. Do what you need to do for yourself and your kids. I am certain you don't want to teach your kids that it is OK being a doormat. Don't you agree?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

nothappy213 said:


> I haven't posted on this for a few weeks, we have co-existed, but she keeps saying with love she doesn't feel the love either, but I tell her to come to me and she makes the comment it is all about sex to you, and I am sorry it has been over a year, I feel you do have to have a little bit of intimacy to make it work, and I am not getting this from her. Still makes the comment need to hold it together for the sake of our children. I just do not know what to do, but thank you for the advice.


You do NOT need to hold it together for the sake of the kids or anyone!

When it's not a happy union - people can see that and feel it too!

Kids learn to emulate the relationship that they "see" while growing up! Your kids will "learn" to seek out a relationship that you are currently showing them. That is terrible! 

Lead by example! Show them with action that when any relationship is sad and lonely you leave! YOU leave this empty and broken marriage knowing full well she understands you're not happy and she does NOTHING to change it! 

And you tell and show your kids that every person makes decisions to impact THEIR own well being! 

Change this! It's up to YOU - not a decision left to a woman that doesn't intend to improve the state of a bad marriage!

Quit being wimpy! Decide and take action to end this toxic union! Learn how to be happy on your own! THAT would be setting a great example for your kids!


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

At this point, you are no longer a victim. You are a volunteer.

File for divorce. And the VAR is not to catch her cheating; it is to protect YOU. She has basically already accused you of rape. You need to protect yourself from whatever wild accusations she may cook up.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

nothappy213 said:


> I haven't posted on this for a few weeks, we have co-existed, but she keeps saying with love she doesn't feel the love either, but I tell her to come to me and she makes the comment it is all about sex to you, and I am sorry it has been over a year, I feel you do have to have a little bit of intimacy to make it work, and I am not getting this from her. Still makes the comment need to hold it together for the sake of our children. I just do not know what to do, but thank you for the advice.


What advice?


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## Mstanton (Feb 8, 2011)

She feels like you violated her for two years because you wanted her to wear the high-school girl uniform or something? Well, honestly, she should have spoken up a little earlier. 

What you need to do, sir, is...

*Fire up your browser and find you some ladies into that sort of thing.
*Plan for divorce
*Remember what she is sensitive about when it comes to her self-esteem and start destroying it altogether. Why not? She's already said you're 'emotionally' abusive, right?


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