# Is withholding the truth wrong?



## Senica13 (Nov 21, 2010)

Hello, I am just wondering if I could get some opinions on something that happened recently. I am new to this forum and have really liked what I have read so far..

My girlfriend and I have been together just about 1 year now and things have been going great. We have had our share of misunderstanding and have been pretty successful in working through them. She is very different from all of the other girls i have ever dated and on a regular basis i think she may be the one. 

Over the past year we have been slowly been learning new things about each other and sharing our past, but even thought the process has been a bit slow it is still enriching and we continue to grow from it as a couple. Overall I would say that our relationship is pretty open and honest.

On our ritual Sunday morning commute back from church we were discussing a very powerful message that we just heard in service and it was about allowing god to have all the keys to your life and hiding nothing and that's when she came out and said we all have things that we hide and don't want people to know.. I agreed and asked her to clarify. She said you're going to break up with me and I said no way just tell me. She said that I, her mom, and her sister don't know that she chews tobacco. I was like what? (confused) I thought maybe she tried it a few times or did it every now and then. O.k. but no. She eventually said she chews everyday 3 times a day! and has been doing it since she quit smoking. I was in complete shock that I had not known this about her. She hasn't smoked since we started dating! I asked her why she hadn't told me about it and she said that she was disgusted by the habit and was going to quit before she had to tell me. She even told me that when we went away on trips sometimes 2-3 days long she would do it in the bathroom. So she has been intentionally hiding this from me for over a year. 

So I guess I am a bit shocked by this, aye? I am a little angry, disappointed and sad. We have never had any mistrust or cheating issues. But I feel like she has not been totally honest with me. If she just told me from the start I wouldn't of cared so much..I smoke cigars quite a bit so I would of gotten over it.  But the chewing doesn't bother me as much, as the honesty principal. If someone could go this long keeping a secret, 365 days, one day at a time, 3 times a day then should I be concerned? I trust her but I feel betrayed. Overall I want her to stop because she is clearly addicted. How should I approach this situation? Is she wrong? should i forget about it and move on or is a more serious discussion needed?


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## Jack99 (Nov 21, 2010)

Sorry if this seems harsh - but are you crazy? She's got this bad habit and she didn't know when to admit it to you because she *likes* you and wanted to impress you. And now, she opens up and admits it to you, and you hold it against her? You should be thanking your lucky stars you have found a sweet girl you love and who cares enough about you to so carefully hide such a habit. If the habit itself bugs you, ask her if she has plans to quit. There are far, far worse things she could be doing.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Admitting to a habit she wants to quit shows that she trusts and respects you. 
Give her the same trust and respect for her decision to tell you in her own time, and trust her enough to believe whatever she's telling you.
It isn't about you, she wasn't betraying you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Senica13 (Nov 21, 2010)

Thank you, you are both very right. The initial shock got the best of me, sometimes we just get lost in our own emotions. I care about her very much and i do trust her and am committed to helping her in whatever ways necessary. After reading i can see she will need all the support possible to kick it. I can remember all the difficult times she's has been there for me so i intend to do the very same.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

That sermon and the Discussion following could very well be a new beginning of TRUST in her life. In no way belittle her now or question her sincerity in coming out with it. Take this light hearted , be there for her as she overcomes this and DO keep the lines of communication going in all ways. 

IN doing so, she is likely to open up to you about other things she may have previously never thought she would/could. HOW you handle this could very well determine how she handles "hiding" in the future, with you, even others in her life. Show forgiveness & encourage openness always.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Senica, it doesn't seem to me that she lied or withheld any truths.
What it looks like to me is that she simply didn't give you a piece of information about herself. I doubt that you have told her about picking you nose, shooting spitballs, or a host of other things that may be stupid, embarrassing or trivial...


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## missconfused (Nov 19, 2010)

I have to be with them...of all things that may or may not come up in your relationship that's the least of your worries.


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## jimrich (Sep 26, 2010)

When my wife and I first started our relationship, we had learned to do 100%, total honesty and truthfulness and we got busy telling each other all there was to tell. Oddly, some things did not come up for exposure right away but gradually came up later. We did not intend to hide those later details- we just forgot until something brought them up for disclosure. By now, there isn't much left to tell.
The whole point of honesty is to avoid hiding and harmful secrets so trust can flourish. This openness and the willingness to ACCEPT UNCONDITIONALLY each others 'stuff' has made our relationship work wonderfully as we can both relax and know that our partner is not hiding important things from us. 
What you have written shows that you need to become open and accepting of WHATEVER she has to show you and be willing to understand and accept as a partner and a friend. If the disclosure is more than you can handle, get some counseling or GET OUT. If your partner can not be 100% honest with you without retaliations, trust can never develop between you. There has to be total openness and trust or it's just another BAD relationship.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

In your situation, no. She was embarassed she used chew to quit smoking and had yet to stop. She admitted it to you, because she wanted to tell you, not because you really forced it out of her, she could have just as easily led the conversation off into metaphor land.

The only time I consider omission lying, is when its something that actually was a problem to begin with. example, my husband when we were first together told me we had to drop our partying and habits if we were to ever stay together we had to end it that day. So I did, and so I thought he did. instead, he started going over to his buddies house leaving me home, and getting stoned out of his mind. 

your girlfriends intentions sounded innocent, and as long as you handle it right and make her feel like it was good to tell you and you're still going to love her and care (and all that cutesy stuff ) I don't see a problem. Especially if thats it. lol, my husband has kept and hidden not only way more things, but way worse things consistently throughout our years, so if it was a problem, I'd be the first jerk standing there telling you to leave


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## deb9017 (Nov 8, 2010)

Since this is obviously something that she is ashamed of, I think it says a lot for her that she chose to tell you. You should not be angry or cold, or "punish" her in any way. She was trying to be open and honest with you.


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