# Problems



## Tryingtolearn1983 (Aug 3, 2012)

I have been married to my wife for seven years now. We have a daughter together and two kids from her previous marriage. She is 41 and I 28. 

I'm getting fed up. I feel my wife is cold and selfish towards me. It seems that she has very little respect for me. She will often criticise things I do and mock me, but is very sensitive herself to criticism. I can handle that but what I can't deal with is her mental other forms of abuse. 

For instance, I recently discovered that we had a large amount of wood rot in our house. This was something that we needed to take care of. So I got to work. I work out of town and since I spent much of my time at home working on the house we haven't had alot of time to connect. However, I felt she would understand since I was working on our family home. 

In the past two weeks she has been very distant. I know that it is difficult for her to be around disarray and mess. It makes her very anxious. However it seems that this frustration is channeled towards me.

As I was sitting at the table having dinner after working in the Florida sun for 8 hours she started complaining about how the exterior around the house needed swept and how difficult it was for her to clean up after me. By the way, she spent that day at the mall shopping while the youngest was at her grandmas.

With axiousness and spite in her voice she started to ask me about when i thought I could clean up. I told her that it would be done soon and that the woodwork had all been done. She proceeded to unload her axiety laden complaints on me while I was trying to catch a break after a day working. I finally told her, that i would like eat dinner without an anxiety attack. Then she went ballistic saying hurtful things, telling me that she would'nt want to do anything with me until we saw a counselor. 


That was just today but in general i find my wife to be cold and self centered. I don't think she really loves me. This marriage feels a lot like a practical arrangement. She worries about her needs and anything she does for me is tallied and brought to my attention with spite and need for recognition.

We don't have sex anymore

She constantly finds things to complain about

She doesn't take pleasure in doing things for me.

I'm allways in the dog house for some reason even though i'm a hard worker. 

She allways acts like the weight of the world is on her shoulder. 

Shes a great mother though


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

How long has this been going on?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How much time a week do you spend doing things alone with your wife... even if they are around the house.. just the two of you date-like?


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## Tryingtolearn1983 (Aug 3, 2012)

We usually have one or two days a month toghether alone...


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Tryingtolearn1983 said:


> I have been married to my wife for seven years now. We have a daughter together and two kids from her previous marriage. She is 41 and I 28.
> 
> I'm getting fed up. I feel my wife is cold and selfish towards me. It seems that she has very little respect for me. She will often criticise things I do and mock me, but is very sensitive herself to criticism. I can handle that but what I can't deal with is her mental other forms of abuse.
> 
> ...


I read this and see a few things.

no respect for you. put your foot down when she complains about the mess calmly tell her yea if you give me a hand we could clean it up faster. if she balks say well shopping at the mall don't sound to hard if you want it cleaned up have at it.if she say anything else say f you I just spent all day working on it. it gets done when i say it gets done! then give her the silent treatment. and any time she tries to talk to you tell her if she isn't respectfull then your not interested!


she also sounds sexually frustrated some women get bit*hy and don't even know why. has she ever had an o my god orgasm with you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Tryingtolearn1983 said:


> We usually have one or two days a month toghether alone...


In order to keep the passion going in a marriage, you two need to spend about 15 hours a week alone... just the two of you.

If you do not do that you will drift apart. Once the bond is broken the interactions will be what you are seeing how....raw and harsh. 

The bond that we call love takes constant, daily, maintenance.

Take a look at the links for building a passionate marriage in my signature block below. They talk about how to rebuild the bond and the passion.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Tryingtolearn1983 said:


> I finally told her, that i would like eat dinner without an anxiety attack.


I am not going to assume you are the innocent one. If you often say things like this to her, then it's evident to me she is sick of you. Her following remarks also make it evident........


Tryingtolearn1983 said:


> telling me that she would'nt want to do anything with me until we saw a counselor.


So, while you make yourself out to be the hard-working, devoted, and long-suffering victim of her nastiness, you made the mistake of revealing the real deal purely by accident. You can't be a 5 year old crying to mommy that "Alice hit meeeee" when you know full well you were the aggressor and hit Alice first. Alice was only hitting you back. You can't treat your wife however you please and make snide and insulting remarks, and then complain about what she does and doesn't do. Women respond to their man, and she's responding in like manner to you. That, of course, isn't to say no woman can be mean or terrible quite on their own. It is obvious your wife though is responding to you being mean and terrible to whatever degree. She's hitting you back. The need for marriage counseling is not her imagination although you try to make us believe it's all in her head because you are innocent and she's constantly picking on you.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Your love languages may be different. You provide acts of service and think that it should mean you love her. When she needs verbal love and praise. Do go to counseling. The fact that she mentioned it means she wants to work on the marriage. While you're going to counseling read the book Five Love Languages, hopefully together.


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## Tryingtolearn1983 (Aug 3, 2012)

Last night we stayed up until 2:30 AM and watched a seminar by John Gottman. I had a long conversation with her and things seemed to get better. It seems that she needed to talk to me and communicate with me. It makes her calm down. We watched I told her that I would rather be spending my time with her than doing these projects.

However I still needed to complete the project the following day. I finished the house and all communication from my wife was negative. "there is a drip of paint there", "you opened another pita package when one was already open", "you forgot to do this", "does that look done to you?". Everything she could nitpick she did. I finally told her that everything she said was negative and that it was driving me up the wall. I told her, "look around you, there are so many things to be positive about and yet you choose to focus on the negative". She didn't respond.

I know we don't have enough time toghether and that our relationship is suffering because of it. However, it seems unfathomable to me that an educated person fails to realize that we are going through a busy period right now and that i we are working for our family. It is as if she directs her frustration directly at me. 

I know we have to spend more time toghether, but sometimes life happens and there is no time. 

Why can't she rationalize and see that i'm doing what I can to get us there? 

Why can't we be supportive of one another and get through this patch?

Why so critical?

Why so negative?


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## Tryingtolearn1983 (Aug 3, 2012)

River1977 said:


> I am not going to assume you are the innocent one. If you often say things like this to her, then it's evident to me she is sick of you. Her following remarks also make it evident........
> 
> 
> So, while you make yourself out to be the hard-working, devoted, and long-suffering victim of her nastiness, you made the mistake of revealing the real deal purely by accident. You can't be a 5 year old crying to mommy that "Alice hit meeeee" when you know full well you were the aggressor and hit Alice first. Alice was only hitting you back. You can't treat your wife however you please and make snide and insulting remarks, and then complain about what she does and doesn't do. Women respond to their man, and she's responding in like manner to you. That, of course, isn't to say no woman can be mean or terrible quite on their own. It is obvious your wife though is responding to you being mean and terrible to whatever degree. She's hitting you back. The need for marriage counseling is not her imagination although you try to make us believe it's all in her head because you are innocent and she's constantly picking on you.


Well, how would you feel if you had been roofing in the Florida sun all day while your spouse was at the mall only to hear about how much of a mess the house is and when she can expect you to clean it up?


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Sometimes the required 15 hours a week aren't possible. Especially in this economy. Do try counseling if you can. Sounds like she has some built up resentment and you too. Maybe counseling can help figure out what it is and how to work on it. Health insurance will pay for it most of the time. A long time ago my husband and I went to counseling. The insurance rep I talked to told me to say it was for anger management to get it approved.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Tryingtolearn1983 said:


> Well, how would you feel if you had been roofing in the Florida sun all day while your spouse was at the mall only to hear about how much of a mess the house is and when she can expect you to clean it up?


Your wife is a SAHM right? And you are working hard in the hot sun all day. The two of you have very different realities.

It might be very wise for her to get a job and the two of you share the burden of supporting the family. This could give you both more time together. 

Yes she should be able to understand that burden put on your to support the family and all else.

But if the two of you are not getting the necessary time together, it's also true that a lot of her reaction to not spending enough time with you is basically biology. You have a real catch-22 going on.

Oxytocin

The link between the hormone oxytocin and female orgasm, bonding and attachment - happyspouse (Dawn Michael M.A.)


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Tryingtolearn1983 said:


> I know we have to spend more time toghether, but sometimes life happens and there is no time.
> 
> *You set your priorities. If your marriage is your greatest priority, you'll find a way to connect. Love notes, a text message, etc. Her anxiety and criticism are signals that her needs aren't being met. You think you're meeting them by fixing the woodwork, and she thinks that has nothing to do with her. She doesn't experience that as being loved. When she feels deeply loved, her anxiety will decrease a lot, maybe vanish altogether.*
> 
> ...


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Tryingtolearn1983 said:


> I know we have to spend more time toghether, but sometimes life happens and there is no time.
> 
> Why can't she rationalize and see that i'm doing what I can to get us there?
> 
> ...


Why can't she this and why can't she that and why this and why that and.......

Did you not like my eariler response? Is that why you ignored me like you neglect your wife? My feelings are hurt thatyou ignored me. I can imagine how your wife feels.

Life doesn't happen when you decide it should, and your wife is your wife right now. The problems did not recently begin. She let you know she is not happy and wants marriage counseling. This has been a while in the making. So, when exactly will you decide *when* the time is right to make your marriage a priority? I know you don't know the answer because you feel you are trying to get there. You don't know when *there* will arrive, so shall she expect to wait 5 years for your time and attention? 10 years? 30? You do realize, don't you, that people work everyday to "get there" so basically, *there* is a lifetime down the road somewhere. And frankly, some people never quite make it to that destination, while others don't recognize when they did.

You stand on your own decisions instead of listening to your wife. You want to be right instead of listening to your wife. You want her to go along because it's what you say, but there is no plan (which includes a date of completion), and she needs you to be her husband right now. You can live now, enjoy life now, love your wife now, make her feel loved now, be a good husband now while maintaining your job and other responsibilities and while trying to get "there." Tell me just how important it was for the wood to be repaired that particular day? Wood rot isn't going to devour the whole house in a week's time. You could have come home this weekend with plans for the two of you, even if that meant just going to the mall with her.

Don't look up to find that "there" actually ends up being divorced and in the meantime, the two of you are constantly at each other's throats. You have to understand that a marriage requires two people to make successful, and success is not defined by her having to wait for the marriage to happen. She also doesn't have to do as you say. That decision to wait until you get there was supposed to be made and agreed by the two of you. 

And if you ask me, you are as negative as you say she is. So again, she's hitting you back.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

River,

I see you're back to your usual male bashing responses

This guy is here looking for help and his wife isn't. The tone of your responses are not the least bit helpful and in reality may have pushed the OP from responding to you or even coming back to the thread.

While I know we only get one side to the story here, I'm not sure how you can always know it's the man's fault for all the problems in a marriage.

It's really a shame because between some of your pitbull like attacks, you make some great points. However, you seem to say that since he's negative and dismissive of her, it's OK for her to be the same way back. Really? Instead of her telling him "Hubby, I'm upset with the way you talk to me and are dismissive. We have issues that need marriage counseling if this relationship is to continue" it's OK to just do the tit-for-tat?

I don't recall ever seeing your original post that dealt with whatever issues you've had in your relationship but they must have been dozzies to put you in the place where you are now. Your almost pure hatred of men comes out in almost all your postings.

I am requesting that a moderator step in and address your issues again. I know you were banned once before for these type of negative posts and with any luck it will happen again.

The result of my post here may result in a ban of my own but the last thing I have to say to you is get help. You seem to need it.

Last, I'd like to apologize to the rest of the TAM community for this thread jack.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

I usually ignore river's responses. I skip right over them.


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