# Insecurities and mis-trust



## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

So two days ago, my husband received a friend suggestion on Facebook of my 'other' facebook profile. It's a FB profile that I rarely use - and when I do - it's for work. I do a lot for my company, and marketing just so happens to be one of them. I found that it works better for me to have 2 facebook accounts to do things with when marketing on social media. And recruited staff contact me on my 'fake' facebook which is what I prefer. I don't blame him for being upset with me. I should have said something about it but it's literally nothing and never once thought to say hey, this is what I have and this is what I use it for. So when he seen it, it raised questions. Like, who are the guys that are on there that I am friends with - 2 out of 3 of them are just some joe schmoes that I haven't spoken to since before him and I got together and I really don't even honestly remember adding them as friends on there. That's how long ago it was that I was actually doing HR for my company. Yes, I'm angry about this and venting. So he's pretty upset with me and I don't blame him. But what gets me is that now all of these insecurities are coming out. We are both pretty blunt with each other and I am very overweight and he will make comments at times. Mainly that he would like to throw me up against the wall and that he has to accept my stomach if he wants to keep my breasts. Little things of that nature. At times, it does get to me and I would like to lose weight so I have been trying to eat healthier and I have been going to the gym. So yesterday, after all of this comes out about FB - now he's worried about why I'm really going to the gym. He's afraid that there is another guy. Because of the gym time, and the fact that I'm not hounding him for sex (I used to pretty much beg him for it because he rarely ever wants it. He's an alcoholic. I blame the beer. And he smokes a lot of weed - I can only be called selfish so many times before I'm just not going to ask anymore). I will say though, everything that he has become so insecure about - I'm actually very happy in our relationship. He's been being extremely attentive in all of the other ways besides sexually so I really don't have any complaints. I guess I'm working so hard on losing weight because in the back of my mind, he watches porn every morning because he just simply doesn't want his fat wife?


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Just on the Facebook part alone I would find it very suspicious that you never mentioned it before now. I have known three people who had two Facebook profiles and none of them were innocent. 
As for the rest of it, if you want to lose weight then lose it. Your husband needs to step up and cutting out the weed should be first thing on the agenda.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

It sounds like you’re married to an immature guy who likes believing that you want him more than he wants you. He’d rather watch porn than have sex with you, he insults your appearance, he is insecure, etc..

While the FB thing would be cause to wonder at first, to not trust you and now think there’s another guy, is just displaying more of his immaturity. You’re loyal to him and explained that it just slipped your mind to share it because it’s not significant would be enough for a secure man. However, it’s quite interesting that because he thinks you might have an admirer, he is being attentive, which is why I believe he wants to be in control and treats you like he does.

I’m not sure what advice to give except to say that a lifetime of this type of relationship will make you insane. I would recommend counseling if he’s willing, to help you both with communication and how to have a more stable marriage without the drama.


----------



## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

Andy1001 said:


> Just on the Facebook part alone I would find it very suspicious that you never mentioned it before now. I have known three people who had two Facebook profiles and none of them were innocent.
> As for the rest of it, if you want to lose weight then lose it. Your husband needs to step up and cutting out the weed should be first thing on the agenda.


This is why I can't be upset about him being upset. While it is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING and I really do just only use it for job posting for work, it never once crossed my mind to say hey, this exists. But it's not like I tried to hide it - a few months ago when I was having issues with it - I had HIS secretary share one of my job posts from it and blatantly said 'for some reason, posts aren't showing up on my own facebook, so if you can see this, let me know' and he's friends with her on FB as well. The 3 people that you know aren't me. I'm loyal by default. Kind of why this is pissing me off. 

Him stepping up- he made mention that he's afraid that there's another guy that I'm talking to, and you know.. emotional affairs are a thing. There's NOTHING. He thinks that somebody made it an issue that he wasn't saying I love you back for the past few weeks (there has been a lot going on and I brought it to light - him and I communicate greatly). I would love for him to slow down on the weed and the drinking and be more romantic sexually, but he does make up for it in other ways.


----------



## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> It sounds like you’re married to an immature guy who likes believing that you want him more than he wants you. He’d rather watch porn than have sex with you, he insults your appearance, he is insecure, etc..
> 
> While the FB thing would be cause to wonder at first, to not trust you and now think there’s another guy, is just displaying more of his immaturity. You’re loyal to him and explained that it just slipped your mind to share it because it’s not significant would be enough for a secure man. However, it’s quite interesting that because he thinks you might have an admirer, he is being attentive, which is why I believe he wants to be in control and treats you like he does.
> 
> I’m not sure what advice to give except to say that a lifetime of this type of relationship will make you insane. I would recommend counseling if he’s willing, to help you both with communication and how to have a more stable marriage without the drama.


He is always pretty attentive outside of the sex life. I think the alcohol/weed effects it, to be honest. 

Thank you for the advice - it is great. I'm trying to find us a marriage counselor. While we communicate pretty well for the most part - we have our little 2 minute pfts and they suck. Just so badly.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> He is always pretty attentive outside of the sex life. I think the alcohol/weed effects it, to be honest.
> 
> Thank you for the advice - it is great. I'm trying to find us a marriage counselor. While we communicate pretty well for the most part - we have our little 2 minute pfts and they suck. Just so badly.


I hope things improve. Marriage does take some work at times but insults and demeaning comments - that needs to stop like yesterday. Be well and stay strong


----------



## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> I hope things improve. Marriage does take some work at times but insults and demeaning comments - that needs to stop like yesterday. Be well and stay strong


Thank you. I'm trying. I think it will be ok. I think I just needed to vent.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

So he uses porn, smokes weed and drinks to excess. Are you ok with all that?


----------



## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> So he uses porn, smokes weed and drinks to excess. Are you ok with all that?


No but I'm not divorcing him because of it. I just quit nagging about it because nagging isn't going to do anything. I'm finding us a counselor now.


----------



## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> So he uses porn, smokes weed and drinks to excess. Are you ok with all that?


I'm leaving all of that in God's hands, really. I was once told to pray more and talk less about the things that I can not control - this is what I am doing.


----------



## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

If multiple Facebook accounts is a problem I’m in big trouble. In my case I have a habit of getting burned out on social media and deactivating accounts and then after a few years starting up a new account instead of reactivating the old one. It actually bit me in the ass once when I came across a story in the news about this sex cult in New York that had some Hollywood actresses involved in procuring women. The article mentioned a doctor in the cult who had the same name as a guy I did my residency with (ended up being the same guy). I posted the article to Facebook but didn’t know I was posting it to an old account that I was friends with him on. That resulted in some really creepy messages from the cult doctor.

Hope this wasn’t a threadjack, just wanting to give examples of multiple Facebook accounts not being nefarious.


----------



## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

CallingDrLove said:


> If multiple Facebook accounts is a problem I’m in big trouble. In my case I have a habit of getting burned out on social media and deactivating accounts and then after a few years starting up a new account instead of reactivating the old one. It actually bit me in the ass once when I came across a story in the news about this sex cult in New York that had some Hollywood actresses involved in procuring women. The article mentioned a doctor in the cult who had the same name as a guy I did my residency with (ended up being the same guy). I posted the article to Facebook but didn’t know I was posting it to an old account that I was friends with him on. That resulted in some really creepy messages from the cult doctor.
> 
> Hope this wasn’t a threadjack, just wanting to give examples of multiple Facebook accounts not being nefarious.


Thank you for the laugh. I needed it. Yesterday, he spoke to me in some ill manor (mind you - this just came about the day prior to) and I told him to not speak to me that way so he told me to get the #### out. Like, he's THAT upset over it. And this FB is literally for NOTHING but work.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I'm leaving all of that in God's hands, really. I was once told to pray more and talk less about the things that I can not control - this is what I am doing.


Sometimes God wants us to stand against these things. If we do nothing we can actually be enabling things. If we dont have boundaries for what we will accept then why would they be a need for change?

For example if a guy I was with watched porn or smoked weed I would simply say that you are free to do these things but it wont be with me. Then he would have the choice and face the consequences of that choice.


----------



## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Sometimes God wants us to stand against these things. If we do nothing we can actually be enabling things. If we dont have boundaries for what we will accept then why would they be a need for change?
> 
> For example if a guy I was with watched porn or smoked weed I would simply say that you are free to do these things but it wont be with me. Then he would have the choice and face the consequences of that choice.


I was planning on talking to him about the porn thing tonight. I thought he quit for a while there but he brought it up the other day that he still watches it.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I was planning on talking to him about the porn thing tonight. I thought he quit for a while there but he brought it up the other day that he still watches it.


You would have to be firm.


----------



## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I was planning on talking to him about the porn thing tonight. I thought he quit for a while there but he brought it up the other day that he still watches it.


I would be pretty suspicious about an undisclosed full second facebook account if I happened to come across it. It seems like you understand why he'd be upset about, but yet are bringing up other items that he is doing wrong as defense. I call this 'whataboutism'.... he questions your facebook, and you say what about this and what about that.

This usually is not a good method of communicating. One issue should be vetted at a time and your current response seems reactionary and defensive. I'm not saying that these aren't real issues and that they shouldn't be addressed, but they should be separate issues and not brought up as defense for his concerns about your fake facebook.


----------



## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

I hear you and based on what you've written here, you have completely logical and understandable explanation.

However, there are three things I read that could be viewed as red flags taken individually and are certainly worse if taken together.

1. You have a secret (according to him) facebook account and you are friends with a bunch of guys there that he does not know about
2. You've started working out at the gym to lose weight and make yourself more presentable
3. The frequency of sex has decreased considerably.

All these three things taken together could make a person suspicious that an affair might be going on.

Think of it this from a different point of view for a minute: He has a "backup" facebook account that he didn't tell you about and is friends with a few women there, that he chats frequently. He's been working out lately and people have started noticing the change in him. The frequency of sex has dropped significantly making you wonder whether he's getting it somewhere else. Do you see what I'm saying?

The problem here is that it's going to be difficult to convince him otherwise. When confronted about all this, he may construe that by bringing up his porn usage, you are just trying to deflect the attention from the issue that he's trying to get to the bottom of. I think doing that is not going to be productive at best. You minimizing his concerns about all this could also be considered as gaslighting. I think, The longer he feels insecure about the relationship and marriage the worse it is going to get.

Please schedule a couples' therapy session as soon as possible to resolve this sooner as you can.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I was planning on talking to him about the porn thing tonight. I thought he quit for a while there but he brought it up the other day that he still watches it.


The three things that make a man go soft, he indulges in.

I would go after his_ pot _smoking first.

Inhaling smoke is very damaging to the lungs and pot makes you lazy.
Todays, MJ is much stronger than that grown in the backwoods of yesterday.

_Alcohol _makes some users mean, he sounds like one of them.
Unless he is a full blown alcoholic, it is less of an issue compared to pot.
Yes, he should cut way back on that, too.


He is not low desire, LD; not if he is stroking himself while watching _porn._

The man has an addictive personality, that's for sure.

Good luck, you will need it.


----------



## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

re16 said:


> I would be pretty suspicious about an undisclosed full second facebook account if I happened to come across it. It seems like you understand why he'd be upset about, but yet are bringing up other items that he is doing wrong as defense. I call this 'whataboutism'.... he questions your facebook, and you say what about this and what about that.
> 
> This usually is not a good method of communicating. One issue should be vetted at a time and your current response seems reactionary and defensive. I'm not saying that these aren't real issues and that they shouldn't be addressed, but they should be separate issues and not brought up as defense for his concerns about your fake facebook.


You aren't wrong. I'm just irritated because everything that I mentioned is what he brought up along with it. I'm not upset with him and understand where he's coming from with it.


re16 said:


> I would be pretty suspicious about an undisclosed full second facebook account if I happened to come across it. It seems like you understand why he'd be upset about, but yet are bringing up other items that he is doing wrong as defense. I call this 'whataboutism'.... he questions your facebook, and you say what about this and what about that.
> 
> This usually is not a good method of communicating. One issue should be vetted at a time and your current response seems reactionary and defensive. I'm not saying that these aren't real issues and that they shouldn't be addressed, but they should be separate issues and not brought up as defense for his concerns about your fake facebook.


There isn't really anything undisclosed about it when I posted a job on fb from it and tagged myself AND his secretary who shared said same post a few months ago. It literally is just for work. And he's the one that brought up all 9f these issues which now I feel horrible that they are even issues


Asterix said:


> I hear you and based on what you've written here, you have completely logical and understandable explanation.
> 
> However, there are three things I read that could be viewed as red flags taken individually and are certainly worse if taken together.
> 
> ...


You are absolutely correct, yet incorrect all at the same time. There is not a decrease in sex, because he's never entirely been to sexual. It was getting to the point that I was begging him for sex. We are trying to have children and I am on hormone treatments for it but when I have to beg him for sex?


SunCMars said:


> The three things that make a man go soft, he indulges in.
> 
> I would go after his_ pot _smoking first.
> 
> ...


Thank you. Yes, he is total alcoholic. Drinks atleast 12 beers a day. I go to the gym because WE decided that we wanted to live a healthier lifestyle because we are trying to have children. I'm pulling my weight and he's just not doing anything besides throwing temper tantrums. All while I think about it - I told him about this facebook when we first started seeing each other - it is that old. He says to me 'it's only facebook, I don't care about those things because I'm secure with myself'. But when he's angry, I start to cower a tad and my brain quits working. 

Thus facebook is only for work. My eyes are only for him. He should see this by now.


----------



## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> The three things that make a man go soft, he indulges in.
> 
> I would go after his_ pot _smoking first.
> 
> ...





Asterix said:


> I hear you and based on what you've written here, you have completely logical and understandable explanation.
> 
> However, there are three things I read that could be viewed as red flags taken individually and are certainly worse if taken together.
> 
> ...


I hear you - but I didn't just start working out. About 4 years ago, I was almost 300lbs. I've worked hard to lose 100 of it and then covid hit. Working out is not anything knew. He has made mention before that he fears I will lose weight and then leave him. 
There aren't a bunch of guys - there are 2. I literally have maybe 10 friends on it and 8 of them are family and the 2 I haven't spoken to in years. I gave him full access I am not doing anything with the facebook until he looks to see that it is literally just for work. But you are not wrong in his feelings and this hurts me terribly. Thank you for your insight.


----------



## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

He is a drug addict, alcoholic, insecure, wants you to stay overweight to keep your large breasts, and he is suspicious about a second Facebook account that you use for work...... What is the benefit of being with this guy?

At my job, I have a separate email account for work that I have never told my wife about. There are emails from female coworkers about work related stuff. I would look at her like she has lost her freaking mind if because insecure about it..... Do you seriously want to stay married to a paranoid alcoholic pothead?


----------



## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> He is a drug addict, alcoholic, insecure, wants you to stay overweight to keep your large breasts, and he is suspicious about a second Facebook account that you use for work...... What is the benefit of being with this guy?
> 
> At my job, I have a separate email account for work that I have never told my wife about. There are emails from female coworkers about work related stuff. I would look at her like she has lost her freaking mind if because insecure about it..... Do you seriously want to stay married to a paranoid alcoholic pothead?


The benefit - when we are great - which the good really does outweigh the bad, we are fantastic! It's just rough lately because of everything else that's going on around us. He's fighting for unsupervised visits with his son and he's actually getting somewhere - he's just scared. Yes, I will stick up for him in this fight. I'm not giving up on him just yet. I guess I just need advice from a guys perspective. I don't disagree with him - i should have told him but I honestly just never thought about it because I use it to maintain the companies facebook and the recruited aides message me on there and I want it completely separate from my personal facebook. It's all women. 

We will be ok though. Last night, he said he didn't want to talk about it because then he will worry. He knows that he has nothing to worry about. I don't know where this insecurity is coming from or why because he has never been like this.


----------



## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> The benefit - when we are great - which the good really does outweigh the bad, we are fantastic! It's just rough lately because of everything else that's going on around us. He's fighting for unsupervised visits with his son and he's actually getting somewhere - he's just scared. Yes, I will stick up for him in this fight. I'm not giving up on him just yet. I guess I just need advice from a guys perspective. I don't disagree with him - i should have told him but I honestly just never thought about it because I use it to maintain the companies facebook and the recruited aides message me on there and I want it completely separate from my personal facebook. It's all women.
> 
> We will be ok though. Last night, he said he didn't want to talk about it because then he will worry. He knows that he has nothing to worry about. I don't know where this insecurity is coming from or why because he has never been like this.


Please don't take any of this as me trying to be intentionally mean or nasty. But being a guy myself, I am getting a pretty good idea of the type of guy he is. He is an immature loser who has no real goals or ambitions. He probably gets stoned and suddenly becomes a philosopher of life. He hangs out drinking and smoking with equally loser friends watching garbage videos online, or gaming on a PS4. He either doesn't work or works a crap jobs that he gets fired from. He probably lounges around the house wearing dirty clothes, and rarely lifts a finger to help out. He dismisses your feelings/concerns and is never in the mood to have serious conversations about the relationship or adult topics.

I am not saying he is a lost cause. I fully understand that there are qualities in him that you enjoy and love. But hus weed and alcohol issues are only going to make his behavior worse over time. I highly recommend you giving him an ultimatum that he either gets professional help or you don't see a future together.

You mentioned that he is fighting for unsupervised visits with his kid. The fact that he is still using drugs while fighting for this just shows how immature he is. All his ex has to do is request a drug test and that ends it. Using drugs while in a custody battle is stupidity on steroids. You yourself obviously have goals and a work ethic. You are involved in marketing and HR which is impressive. You are wanting to go to a gym to better your health and wellness as well. I am also sure that you want to start a family at some point and build a life together. You have to be honest with yourself, do you really see a future like that with how he is right now?


----------



## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> Please don't take any of this as me trying to be intentionally mean or nasty. But being a guy myself, I am getting a pretty good idea of the type of guy he is. He is an immature loser who has no real goals or ambitions. He probably gets stoned and suddenly becomes a philosopher of life. He hangs out drinking and smoking with equally loser friends watching garbage videos online, or gaming on a PS4. He either doesn't work or works a crap jobs that he gets fired from. He probably lounges around the house wearing dirty clothes, and rarely lifts a finger to help out. He dismisses your feelings/concerns and is never in the mood to have serious conversations about the relationship or adult topics.
> 
> I am not saying he is a lost cause. I fully understand that there are qualities in him that you enjoy and love. But hus weed and alcohol issues are only going to make his behavior worse over time. I highly recommend you giving him an ultimatum that he either gets professional help or you don't see a future together.
> 
> You mentioned that he is fighting for unsupervised visits with his kid. The fact that he is still using drugs while fighting for this just shows how immature he is. All his ex has to do is request a drug test and that ends it. Using drugs while in a custody battle is stupidity on steroids. You yourself obviously have goals and a work ethic. You are involved in marketing and HR which is impressive. You are wanting to go to a gym to better your health and wellness as well. I am also sure that you want to start a family at some point and build a life together. You have to be honest with yourself, do you really see a future like that with how he is right now?


I'm not taking this as you trying to be mean or nasty. Here is a little about him. 
He has a fantastic job that he has been at for 9 years now. He is project leader and is in charge of most jobs that they do. He works non-stop. I can't get him to stop working. I couldn't get him in to the house last night for dinner until almost 11pm because he was outside building a shed. He doesn't play video games. He works. He builds. But he also drinks his alcohol while he's building at home. You aren't wrong about him being a philosopher after he smokes. He has goals - we have the same goals. To buy a house, to build a family. 

The kid - he's been clean from hard drugs for 4 years now. He has his medical card and has been getting drug tested for 2 years now and has passed every single one of them aside from smoking. We should have this unsupervised visit thing accomplished by May. I think that's what he's so nervous about. He's been fighting for this for the past 2 years and he's finally at the tip of the lit match and he's nervous.


----------



## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I'm not taking this as you trying to be mean or nasty. Here is a little about him.
> He has a fantastic job that he has been at for 9 years now. He is project leader and is in charge of most jobs that they do. He works non-stop. I can't get him to stop working. I couldn't get him in to the house last night for dinner until almost 11pm because he was outside building a shed. He doesn't play video games. He works. He builds. But he also drinks his alcohol while he's building at home. You aren't wrong about him being a philosopher after he smokes. He has goals - we have the same goals. To buy a house, to build a family.
> 
> The kid - he's been clean from hard drugs for 4 years now. He has his medical card and has been getting drug tested for 2 years now and has passed every single one of them aside from smoking. We should have this unsupervised visit thing accomplished by May. I think that's what he's so nervous about. He's been fighting for this for the past 2 years and he's finally at the tip of the lit match and he's nervous.


What did he do to have only supervised visitation?


----------



## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> What did he do to have only supervised visitation?


He started using hard drugs to begin with when the kid was about 2. The mother set the visits up to be at my husbands grandmothers house. Husband didn't fight it because he still got to see his kid on the weekends. He finally got himself in a good place (his own place, on his own feet for about 2 years) before he decided to start fighting it. Even at that point, he was terrified of being told no? Not winning?


----------



## SnakePlissken (10 mo ago)

Is smoking all that weed making him paranoid? It tends to do that.


----------



## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

SnakePlissken said:


> Is smoking all that weed making him paranoid? It tends to do that.


He is acting like nothing ever happened.


----------



## Night Owl1 (Nov 6, 2020)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> So two days ago, my husband received a friend suggestion on Facebook of my 'other' facebook profile. It's a FB profile that I rarely use - and when I do - it's for work. I do a lot for my company, and marketing just so happens to be one of them. I found that it works better for me to have 2 facebook accounts to do things with when marketing on social media. And recruited staff contact me on my 'fake' facebook which is what I prefer. I don't blame him for being upset with me. I should have said something about it but it's literally nothing and never once thought to say hey, this is what I have and this is what I use it for. So when he seen it, it raised questions. Like, who are the guys that are on there that I am friends with - 2 out of 3 of them are just some joe schmoes that I haven't spoken to since before him and I got together and I really don't even honestly remember adding them as friends on there. That's how long ago it was that I was actually doing HR for my company. Yes, I'm angry about this and venting. So he's pretty upset with me and I don't blame him. But what gets me is that now all of these insecurities are coming out. We are both pretty blunt with each other and I am very overweight and he will make comments at times. Mainly that he would like to throw me up against the wall and that he has to accept my stomach if he wants to keep my breasts. Little things of that nature. At times, it does get to me and I would like to lose weight so I have been trying to eat healthier and I have been going to the gym. So yesterday, after all of this comes out about FB - now he's worried about why I'm really going to the gym. He's afraid that there is another guy. Because of the gym time, and the fact that I'm not hounding him for sex (I used to pretty much beg him for it because he rarely ever wants it. He's an alcoholic. I blame the beer. And he smokes a lot of weed - I can only be called selfish so many times before I'm just not going to ask anymore). I will say though, everything that he has become so insecure about - I'm actually very happy in our relationship. He's been being extremely attentive in all of the other ways besides sexually so I really don't have any complaints. I guess I'm working so hard on losing weight because in the back of my mind, he watches porn every morning because he just simply doesn't want his fat wife?


I agree you should have been transparent about FB
However, I find your explanation satisfactory, especially if the accounts were established long ago. Interestingly, his reaction suggests he’s jealous and has insecurities. What’s concerning are the following remarks about depriving sex, negative comments about your appearance, his addictions, and porn. 
In my opinion, he has intimacy issues and is using drugs and alcohol to self treat something that bothers him….you admitted these habits negatively affect you. Since you obviously love him, maybe talking to a counselor on how to deal with his reactions would be helpful. First and foremost, be safe. You can certainly try to be fully transparent, showing him when the FB started, how you use it, and send him a friend request so he can see it. If it’s really irrelevant, that should be an easy solve.
Good luck 🍀


----------



## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

SnakePlissken said:


> Is smoking all that weed making him paranoid? It tends to do that.


He is acting like nothing ever happened.


Night Owl1 said:


> I agree you should have been transparent about FB
> However, I find your explanation satisfactory, especially if the accounts were established long ago. Interestingly, his reaction suggests he’s jealous and has insecurities. What’s concerning are the following remarks about depriving sex, negative comments about your appearance, his addictions, and porn.
> In my opinion, he has intimacy issues and is using drugs and alcohol to self treat something that bothers him….you admitted these habits negatively affect you. Since you obviously love him, maybe talking to a counselor on how to deal with his reactions would be helpful. First and foremost, be safe. You can certainly try to be fully transparent, showing him when the FB started, how you use it, and send him a friend request so he can see it. If it’s really irrelevant, that should be an easy solve.
> Good luck 🍀


Thank you so much!! Yesterday was fantastic. He was his normal, loving self and even tried to settle for a 6 pack because we are supposed to be doing this healthy lifestyle together. He spent the week drinking very well more than a 12 pack per day and I really believe that something else is bothering him besides this stupid facebook thing. As soon as he brought it up, I pulled it up on my phone and tried to show it to him but he wouldn't even look. This was 3 days ago. 2 days ago, he said he was scared. I sent him a friend request the moment that he brought it up and he said he didn't need any fake FB's added to his account. Yesterday, we talked about work and how the recruiting and what not gets confusing and a bit overwhelming when I do it through FB because I get bombarded and have a hard time keeping up with my work. I wear many hats at my job. His response - I know you will figure out what works best for you - he didn't act like it was a bother or anything. I almost wonder if maybe he had one of his buddies check out the FB. Which I'm fine with because there is literally nothing there - other than job postings and I even tagged my personal facebook in one of them, along with his secretary to see what showed up where and how. We always get through everything, no matter how frustrating it is. Today I'm going to ask him for sex and I know he's going to tell me that he's not feeling well. But he's going out with the guys tonight. So I just sit and wait for him. This is my life. One step at a time. His alcohol and weed dependency's stem from a lot of childhood trauma's. We will get there.


----------



## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

My wife has work accounts, since she manages social media for her school. She has her personal accounts for friends and family. I don't use social media any longer at all.

This is a lack of trust issue. The reality is that if a partner is going to cheat; they are going to cheat. I have 100% trust in my wife. If I ever have questions, I will address them with her. If she ever gave me reasons to not trust her; there would be deeper issues to address. Obviously, I know about her accounts. We have 100% open device and account policies between us too.


----------

