# Not your typical porn tread...



## IAMCIV (Nov 8, 2011)

Hello, I'm neew here and I need some help.. Thanks for your time.

I'm married to an amazinly beautiful woman, who wants to leave me because in the past I've looked at porn. Now I'm not talking about porn addiction, I never ever put porn above sex. And it wasn't daily it was every now and then, once a week or whatever. But in the past I've looked at it. The problem is that I lied about it, hide it. She said if I ever look at porn it's over. And not just porn but maximum, sports illustrated swimsuit kinda things too. I always thought it was a little much but I love her to death and she's as hot as those chicks anyway so I never made a big deal about it becuase well it wasn't. 

Two years ago she found out I had a couple of playboys and was like, that's it it's over and I swore I would never do it again. I also confessed to going to adult bookstores a couple of times and I had some dvds. But were talking over a period of 3-5 years. We had some communication issues and a lot of stuff came up when she was talking about leaving. We worked through them and the last two years have been great. As an added note we have sex just about everyday when things are good, when we had communication issues it was more like 3 times a week.

Now she wants to leave me because I mentioned to her while talking that some times thoughts pop in my head but I brush them off. And she is saying it's over, how can she be with a man who thinks about other women and she doesn't want me struggling to not look at porn. To go ahead and look at all the porn I want, but she's leaving. I tell her I don't want too and it doesn't matter. I tel her that she is all I want and that porn is nothing to me. And she is leaving. 

She says that the truth is out, I'm fighting this never ending battle to not look at porn and she can't handle it. And now I'm like, lost. My wife and kids are my life. Seriously. I work and go home. My wife is honestly my best friend. I mean yeah every now and then the idea of looking at women being sexual and stuff is inticing, but I don't want to look at it. I want my marriage. And she won't believe me.

There is another sexual issue here too, once my daughter was dancing around the living room and my wife made some comment about how cute she was, I replied if later she'd dance for me. and she blew up, said it was over. If I wanted to watch women dancing go ahead. I didn't say other women, I said her... esh. 

We have two kids and a very close family.. I'm lost without her. She's my joy and I'm loosing her.

Any comment would be apperciated.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Ok if this is real then this is utterly messed up. What made you marry someone like this? Is she a paranoid control freak about anything else?


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You lied and hid it. That would be a deal breaker for me too. I make it clear that I don't like porn pretty much on the first date. So, this would be a huge problem for me. The lie. The hiding. No good.

Why are you fighting looking at porn? I mean, you say you're not addicted, but that sounds like an addiction to me.


----------



## missgreen (Nov 8, 2011)

WOMEN ARE EMOTIONAL CREATURES....MEN ARE VISUAL CREATURES. Its tough but its true. There's got to be a balance that you can have with your wife. My husband got caught with a porn site email telling him to come back. He was looking at porn and I got hurt extremely. Makes you feel like you are not good enough. Your wife may be the most beautiful girl in the world but you watching porn makes her feel ugly and not good enough for you. That's probably why she calls it quits so quickly. Maybe you need to take a new hobby and get in to that so you won't fall in to the porn trap. Your wife also needs to learn how to voice herself without breaking up. I had the same problem until one day my husband said ok and he stop kissing my ass.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

We are creatures of nature but we have self control.

If something I do hurts my mate, I stop doing it. I don't get the big deal.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

wifeofhusband said:


> 'Men are visual' is the biggest enabling excuse I see out there repeatedly. Men have a choice whether to look or not. 'They can't help it, it's how they are' is just an excuse.


I know. I hate it too. I'm visual, wtf. I like to watch us having sex. I like looking at my husband naked. Excuses just let people think some behaviour is okay and quite frankly, it's not.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

wifeofhusband said:


> I'm probably more visual than my husband. I don't think that gives me an excuse to go looking at things he would ask me not to. I guess we have faith in our men's ability to hold themselves to a high standard.


I think many women just accept certain things because they are afraid of being alone...they don't want to rock the boat so they just say, "Well, boys will be boys."

I was alone for 7 years. I was fine. Not that I'd want to lose my husband but if he couldn't control his urges to look at other naked women, he'd be asked to go.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Oh my, I think your wife does not understand the raging hormones and minds of men at all, and if she leaves a good man like you, and you sound like a good one to me-unless you are leaving much out here in your opening post. She will likely find the next one lying & hiding too -because she gives him zero room to be honest and vulnerable with her. 

I am married to a man that would lay his life down for me, he enjoys looking at naked women, big freaking deal. He downloads Playboy bunnies in his spare time, collects them, his porn is tame I guess. He has never once put that before me, he didn't even masterbate to it -ever but waited for me. How could I ask for more. 

The lying about it is the bad part, but again, she put a straight jacket on you. In the Dog house you will go! And women wonder why guys will only open up with guys! I like a little porn, I have gotten so much judgement from pious women over this, I prefer men any day or the week .

I have a suggestion for the 2 of you...if you can get her to stick around and hear you out.... this would be a grand book to pick up on this subject for you both to read and explore together, it will OPEN the communication on both sides. Amazon.com: Love and Pornography: Dealing with Porn and Saving your Relationship (9780981874388): Victoria Prater, Garry Prater: Books 

Also you will need to thoroughly HEAR her out as well, how it affects her deeply, some women are MORE sensitive in these things, no doubt -if they have been hurt before by other men, it is a gaping raw wound -or have strict religious beliefs, to where they feel Satan is guiding you or something crazy like that. 

The authors are the husband and the wife, both cases presented thoroughly - this wife was willing to stay and LISTEN to her husband instead of just packing up and leaving him when it hurt, sometimes excrusatingly but a desire to UNDERSTAND him led her to stay , stick it out - because truly he loved her dearly. I think in the end, he did give it up- but HE wanted too at that point, after much heartfelt communication, her willingness to UNDERSTAND her man BEFORE judging him ....this meant the world to him. Not because she demanded it with threats to pack up and it was over. This will only cause resentment and you will struggle and fall again-from time to time. You would need to pluck your eyes out. 

I highly recommend this book -for you to read together and talk these things out like you have never done before. These people have a heart for this subject, they know of what they speak. 


Mind you, I used to be a little hurt too early in our marraige when I caught my husband looking in the mornings before work (back then we was not having enough sex) -your sex life sounds wonderful! But I was terribly uneducated about men, I didn't have those urges like he was having, but that changed when I hit my 40's and I started to love porn, I seriously craved it for a time, I would have been upset with him if he didn't like it and want to ban me from watching it! It had no effect on my love for him at all -it just spiced everything up for us ! It was a blessing really. 

Different perspective I guess. She needs to understand, Testosterone is what gives you these urges, men have 10 times more than women on average, if they could just live inside the mind of a man for a week, they might get a clue. I feel I have experienced that, and It was mind opening indeed. I will never be the same, I was serioulsy undressing every man I seen in public for a time, crazy crazy time, I kept saying to myself, so this is how young guys feel -this is why they are so sex crazed, I felt a real kinship with them -for a time. My husband thought it was halarious. 

I thank heavens he was not too sensitive about these things. Men usually aint, cause they KNOW what it is like. I wasn't going to go out and rape any men - I brought it all back home!


Get the book !


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I don`t know why a man would marry a woman who freaks over a Playboy.

I`ve got nothing for you..sorry you`re screwed.


----------



## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

It is about respect for the feeling of ones spouse. You dont want to get caught so you hide it and go behind her back anyway.... Even after she told you she would leave you, you were warned and you did not listen.

It is the lying and the secrecy that is an issue more then anything else. Trust.. Also makes you really start to wonder what else they have been lying about while lie or not... A lie is a lie no less.

For example.. While my husband and i were dating he told me no male friends, so i ditched all male friends. 

I told him no porn did he follow through hell no... 

and as far as woman being emotional and men being visual is a bunch of BS.


----------



## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

Can someone please explain to me what's wrong with porn? I don't understand why people are willin go throw away a marriage over it. People like watching hot people ****ing, so what? As long as no one is joining in without the consent of their partner, WTF IS THE PROBLEM?!?! OMG, my woman loves freaky gangbang porn! Where's the problem? She isn't having freaky gangbangs, if she ever actually wanted to she'd come talk to me. In the meantime, so what? She enjoys somewhat disturbing hardcore pornography and I love her for it.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

ren said:


> Can someone please explain to me what's wrong with porn? I don't understand why people are willin go throw away a marriage over it. People like watching hot people ****ing, so what?


It`s my opinion the main problem with porn in relationships resides deep in the western female psyche due to insecurities about body image.


----------



## reverie08 (Nov 7, 2011)

IAMCIV said:


> Hello, I'm neew here and I need some help.. Thanks for your time.
> 
> I'm married to an amazinly beautiful woman, who wants to leave me because in the past I've looked at porn. Now I'm not talking about porn addiction, I never ever put porn above sex. And it wasn't daily it was every now and then, once a week or whatever. But in the past I've looked at it. The problem is that I lied about it, hide it. She said if I ever look at porn it's over. And not just porn but maximum, sports illustrated swimsuit kinda things too. I always thought it was a little much but I love her to death and she's as hot as those chicks anyway so I never made a big deal about it becuase well it wasn't.
> 
> ...


I used to have a problem with my husbands porn watching and collection of magazines. I was tired of the lies. It almost felt like I was being cheated on. It felt like he preferred the porn and magazines over me. A lot of the time it made me feel worthless, like less of a woman. We've communicated and ive told him how i felt about it. Now he includes me. I understand now that it's something that is a different form of pleasure for him. Im glad now i can be a part of it. Maybe you need to sit down and talk to each other to reach a mutual understanding. Based on that try and at least reach a compromise. Best of luck to you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## aznmommy3 (Nov 8, 2011)

I myself have a problem with the husband and porn but i do kinda feel for you as your wife is going a little too extreme on the matter. My husband used to subscribe to Maximum and i was actually the one reading them, it does have good articles 

I agree with some posts here, it's the lying that is the problem. If men want to watch porn then why do they keep having to hide and lie. Are they embarrassed by the fact that they are doing it? It's the lies that hurt the relationship. If i was watching porn and the husband ask then i would say yes, i was watching porn. I have nothing to hide I'd even tell him what kind i like, which i have in the past.

My own porn problems only began recently when his watching got out of hand. When he started rejecting me and making insensitive comments on my small boobs (because i lost weight). And knowing he like big boob porn caused more insecurities in myself.

If my husband put me first above his porn then i would not mind that he occasionally looks at them. Because like i said, i too have been known to watch and enjoy porn. I even offered that we maybe watch some together but he thinks porn is ment to be enjoyed alone. But alas he thinks it quicker to masturbate then to have sex with me. Masturbating is not going to bring any affection to our relationship. Which is why our relationship is pretty dead just like my libido.


----------



## hunter_aussie (Nov 7, 2011)

My husband looks at porn occasionally and I still to this day do not get what the issue is with some wives. These women in magazines and DVD's are not real. It's not like their husbands are out in the real world picking up other women.
Men are sexual creatures, they are visual and it is a release.
Obviously there are issues if it's an addiction, but it sounds to me like you are a regular, normal guy!
Women seem to take it personally when their men look at porn. It's not!
I don't think any woman has the right to ask their husband to not ever look at porn, girls on magazines, movies etc. It's ridiculous.
I cannot believe she would break up a family over this. As you said, you love her to bits, think she's beautiful and have occasionally looked at porn.
She needs a reality check. Stand up for yourself.


----------



## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Oh my, I think your wife does not understand the raging hormones and minds of men at all, and if she leaves a good man like you, and you sound like a good one to me-unless you are leaving much out here in your opening post. She will likely find the next one lying & hiding too -because she gives him zero room to be honest and vulnerable with her.
> 
> I am married to a man that would lay his life down for me, he enjoys looking at naked women, big freaking deal. He downloads Playboy bunnies in his spare time, collects them, his porn is tame I guess. He has never once put that before me, he didn't even masterbate to it -ever but waited for me. How could I ask for more.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:

SA nails it again! Reality is what it is, Yes? 

ppl stop putting unrealistic demands on your spouses. 

Being visual is a scientific fact. It has been studied 10 ways from Sunday. A wise spouse will use it to their advantage rather than try to change a force of nature. It is much easier to redirect force than to stop it.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

IAMCIV said:


> We have two kids and a very close family.. I'm lost without her. She's my joy and I'm loosing her.
> 
> Any comment would be apperciated.


The problem is your relationship is far out of balance. She does not care about whether her marriage or family stays intact. She does not have fear of losing everything. She is using her lack of fear and the amount of fear you have to dominate you. It has nothing to do with porn. It has to do with you being dominated by your fear.

She has created conditions of the marriage that are impossible for you to deliver on (i.e. what your own private thoughts need to be). You should call her bluff. But, she has to leave, and the kids stay with you.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

You know, your wife's reactions seem a little bit extreme - especially the blow-up about your daughter dancing.

Are you sure there isn't something else going on with your wife? A reason WHY she would have these extreme reactions? Was she hurt/abused in previous relationships, or abused as a child?

What is your relationship like outside of this issue? Is she controlling and domineering in other areas of your marriage as well?

The porn issue is one that each married couple has to wrestle with and come to terms with based upon their shared personal beliefs. For many women, it is the sneaking around, lying, and disrespect that those actions show that puts the porn watcher in the doghouse. And many people do believe porn is a form of cheating, and/or want their spouse to show some level of self-control and self-discipline in their life. There are many, many reasons it can bother a spouse. If it does bother your spouse, then you'll have to work together to find a solution, because anything that is an issue with one spouse ultimately affects the whole relationship.

Best wishes.


----------



## misticli (Oct 28, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Oh my, I think your wife does not understand the raging hormones and minds of men at all, and if she leaves a good man like you, and you sound like a good one to me-unless you are leaving much out here in your opening post. She will likely find the next one lying & hiding too -because she gives him zero room to be honest and vulnerable with her.
> 
> I am married to a man that would lay his life down for me, he enjoys looking at naked women, big freaking deal. He downloads Playboy bunnies in his spare time, collects them, his porn is tame I guess. He has never once put that before me, he didn't even masterbate to it -ever but waited for me. How could I ask for more.
> 
> The lying about it is the bad part, but again, she put a straight jacket on you. In the Dog house you will go! And women wonder why guys will only open up with guys! I like a little porn, I have gotten so much judgement from pious women over this, I prefer men any day or the week .


So agree with this

From her extreme reactions I would be willing to bet she had an issue in a past relationship with porn possibly taking over. You really need to open up a dialogue about this. Men are visual creatures, there are many movies that we watch these days that are soft porn even.


----------



## IAMCIV (Nov 8, 2011)

Thanks all for the replies, it means a lot to me. I hope I can reply to everyone...



Runs like Dog said:


> Ok if this is real then this is utterly messed up. What made you marry someone like this? Is she a paranoid control freak about anything else?


This is very real. She is an amazing human, she's the only person I've ever met that made me feel alive. Our relationship is great in just about every other aspect. And she's also pretty paranoid about getting sick, like hypocondria, but worse. Its almost a fear of dying of terminal diseases. She used to go to the dr every two weeks to get checked up on and ask any questions. Like is this a lump or is this normal. It seemed the only way to control her worrying. Honestly I think I looked at porn the most when she was always thinking she had some illness, which may have been a way of coping, like escaping. And that's not an excuse, just might have been a factor.

According to the Dr. she has a fear of loosing her family, and this is how those fears are manifested.


----------



## IAMCIV (Nov 8, 2011)

that_girl said:


> You lied and hid it. That would be a deal breaker for me too. I make it clear that I don't like porn pretty much on the first date. So, this would be a huge problem for me. The lie. The hiding. No good.
> 
> Why are you fighting looking at porn? I mean, you say you're not addicted, but that sounds like an addiction to me.


I understand I lied and hid it. I felt so ashamed of myself, I could barley look in the mirror. But I don't look at porn any more. It's not like you hear these stories, I'm waiting for him to touch me, but he's too busy looking at porn... I never ever did that I never ever turned down sex for porn. I might have looked at porn during a lunch break at work or maybe here or there, but it didn't dominate my life. At all.

So it's not like the situations here, Husband looked at porn, wont stop wife is hurt. Its husband looked at porn, stopped, said that thoughts pop up in my head every now and then, but I wont look. Wife says not enough. I don't want you to fight it, it's over. I said it's not like all I do all day is fight the urge to look at porn, it just pops in my head from time to time. She siad that's too bad. If you didn't want porn it'd never pop up. 

She was crying the other day saying she loved me so much she wished she could change for me, but the thought of me looking at porn eats her up inside, and she can't do it. I said well I don't want to look at porn, if I did I would. It's a cycle. She doesn't believe me.


----------



## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

This is an insecurity and fear issue for her. She seems very sensitive and emotionally vulnerable. Feeling so inadequate because you had some thoughts, is extreme. 

She needs counseling, but I don't think she'd go just for her, or even admit a problem. I'd say, I really want this to work, can we go to marriage counseling. Get her talking to someone and over a few sessions steer it towards her extreme insecurity.


----------



## IAMCIV (Nov 8, 2011)

wifeofhusband said:


> You say you don't want to look at it - wrong. You do want to look at it or you wouldn't. You lied to your wife. Repeatedly. I'd leave too. If you value her that much then you would have respected her enough to not look knowing that it's a sensitive issue for her. It's not like you can't choose not to.



Yes at first I lied and hated myself for it. But I stopped, and it's not enough. The fact that the idea of looking at porn, even if I don't act upon it enters my head and even if its once a month or whatever, she says she wants a divorce. 

She doesn't want me fighting againt the urge to look at porn, if I want it go ahead, do it, then she'll say go to strip clubs pay for prostitutes don't let me stop you form doing what you really want to do. 

I say, if I wanted to do those things why would be fighting for our marriage. If I wanted to do those things I would, but if I wanted to do those things, I wouldn't have gotten married.


----------



## IAMCIV (Nov 8, 2011)

seeking sanity said:


> This is an insecurity and fear issue for her. She seems very sensitive and emotionally vulnerable. Feeling so inadequate because you had some thoughts, is extreme.
> 
> She needs counseling, but I don't think she'd go just for her, or even admit a problem. I'd say, I really want this to work, can we go to marriage counseling. Get her talking to someone and over a few sessions steer it towards her extreme insecurity.


I tried to get her to go to marriage counceling, and she wont go. My sister was going to marriage counceling or pre marriage counceling and was told that her husbands thoughts are not her property and as long as he's not acting on them, its ok. So she feels that there is not point to counceling.


----------



## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Wow.. i just reread my post and i did not intend for it to be so harsh.. I am sorry.


----------



## IAMCIV (Nov 8, 2011)

Thanks everyone for your time and comments...

We talked and as of right now we ok. She said she doesn't want me to be fighting urges to look at porn. If I want to look than go ahead, but she cannot remain my wife. She doesn't want me to struggle with being with her, or want it to be hard for me. I told her that all I wanted was to be her husband and I wasn't fighting urges all the time but every now and then some thoughts might pop up in my head. So I guess we are ok for now, but this isn't the first time this has happened. She'll accuse me of looking at porn or at something and say I want other women and it's over pretty often, I'm acctually getting sick of it. I mean I know I f'd up before but two years of not looking at porn should mean something no? If I take long at the store, what was I looking at, sometimes and this is personal if we're intimate and my level of cum isn't what she expects it, she'll get like depredded and assume I was mastubating to porn. Even if I was simply dehydrated of whatever. I don't know...

Her own brother told me she's crazy and to leave her, that I deserve someone better who won't threaten to divorce or divorce me over porn. I expained to him that she's the only thing I care about and I don't care about porn so why should I let that split us up if everything else it great.

I do feel like I'm on pins and needles sometimes, I avoid watching rated r movies, I look away if a commercial comes on with attractive chicks in it. It might sound extreme but I made the only thing in this world I care about think I didn't want her. She felt she wasn't good enough and until she is sure of how I feel I guess I have to take extreme measures. Maybe its crazy, I don't know...

Please help me with this though... 
there are things about porn that are inviting, for example, once a long time ago I asked to watch my wife masturbate and she started too broke down crying in the middle of it and walk to the bath room, came out and said we should get divorced for some reason I forget. I didn't ask again till after I was caught looking at porn, and we talked. Consequently she says she didn't do that. Like it didn't happen, anyway at that time when I was looking at porn I found myself watch women who masturbating. There was no emotional baggage. And I know women/women with my wife is out of the question so I'd never ask but again porn allowed me to enjoy that... I guess I'm saying there is a reason some people watch porn.

The thought of looking at porn sometimes sounds enticing, but I don't want to. I hate how it made my wife feel, so I won't. But shouldn't not looking at porn be the only thing that matters, not why I'm not looking? Did I make any sense?


----------



## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Dude, this doesn't sound like it has much to do with porn to me. It seems like it's about an extreme level of control your wife feels she needs to impose to be safe, manifesting as porn. If it wasn't that, it would be something else. 

Her reacting to the amount of cum you have during sex, because maybe you masterbated is pretty extreme. Threatening divorce because you were trying spice things up in the bedroom is extreme.

The reality is that she isn't going address her problems until when/if she's ready. Which may be never. Your pins and needles comment made this seem more like you're married to a borderline personality.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

seeking sanity said:


> Dude, this doesn't sound like it has much to do with porn to me. It seems like it's about an extreme level of control your wife feels she needs to impose to be safe, manifesting as porn. If it wasn't that, it would be something else.
> 
> Her reacting to the amount of cum you have during sex, because maybe you masterbated is pretty extreme. Threatening divorce because you were trying spice things up in the bedroom is extreme.
> 
> The reality is that she isn't going address her problems until when/if she's ready. Which may be never. Your pins and needles comment made this seem more like you're married to a borderline personality.


Seriosuly I agree, she has a ferocious appitite to control your every sexual thought, fantasy, even what your eyes watch on TV , and accuses you of jacking over your sperm output.

And what you said about her needing to go to the Doctor every 2 weeks, terrified of a terminal illness -like she has a severe form of Hypocondria . This is so not healthy thinking. Something within her brain is getting stuck & continuouly over reacting. I would pick up a book like this to help you understand what might be going haywire, I have a few books by Dr Amen.  Very interesting read. http://www.amazon.com/Change-Your-Brain-Life-Obsessiveness/dp/0812929985


From what you describe-the way things are now, if she does not seek help (counseling, possibly meds), I do not feel you will EVER be able to satisfy what she FEELS she needs from a healthy man -in terms of Love & commitment. Seriously you would have to pluck out your eyes to end the accusations -as stringent as she is requiring of you. 

How can love remain in such an atmosphere, it will wear you down. Is she on any meds now?


----------



## IAMCIV (Nov 8, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Seriosuly I agree, she has a ferocious appitite to control your every sexual thought, fantasy, even what your eyes watch on TV , and accuses you of jacking over your sperm output.
> 
> And what you said about her needing to go to the Doctor every 2 weeks, terrified of a terminal illness -like she has a severe form of Hypocondria . This is so not healthy thinking. Something within her brain is getting stuck & continuouly over reacting. I would pick up a book like this to help you understand what might be going haywire, I have a few books by Dr Amen. Very interesting read. http://www.amazon.com/Change-Your-Brain-Life-Obsessiveness/dp/0812929985
> 
> ...


Its funny because I told her basically you want a divorce because I'm a man... and she said I guess so. But that was before we talked. 

And also when she left after I asked to watch her, was a long time a ago, it was one of the reasons I stopped asking for what I wanted in the bedroom. I guess that made porn all the more tempting...Now after we've learned to talk a bit more we understand each other better. I feel more enabled to ask for certain things now, but if my cum amount is not where she thinks it is, yeah she freaks.

She is not on meds, and yes the Dr. did prescribe some pills, but she hated being on them, said they didn't do anything and stopped taking them, while informing the Dr. The Dr. said she doesn't process things properly all the time, and I knew that. She said she's afraid of loosing her family and this is how it manifests itself, the fear of terminal illness.

I will check out the book, thanks.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Will you go to MC yourself? 

I think it is abusive to threaten divorce at every turn. The mature response to a problem is to pull out all the stops to solve the problem. I think not doing that is self-centered because she considers her problems as more important than the continuity of the lives of her children. 

I think you have some manning up to do. What have you got to lose? You have to be willing to lose her in order to keep her. As difficult as it may be, stop reassuring her that you love her and won't leave it she keeps actinf crazy. The more you reassure her and tolerate her more unreasonable behavior, the more brazen she will become. It you walked out the door and agreed with her she would run after you and beg i bet. Dont do it though she may be stubborn. 

You need to take a the reigns in this family. A leader is needed and you are best suited for tge position. Post in the Mens Club House there are some wise if not sometimes radical men there. Conrad and MEM and Big Bad Wolf et al. are great and they can talk you through manning up. Don't post the same thing post for assistance and link back to this thread. 

Talk the part of what they say that suit your situation not all is useful but much of the ideas are sound. Manning does not mean that you mistreat or dismiss your wife's concerns but you reassure her that you can handle keeping the family safe and you are strong enough to state your position and change where it is reasonable. You are also strong enough to let her know when she is not being reasonable and to guide her to a more reasonable stance. Seeking MC is reasonable and picking her battles is another. 

I know telling you that looking at beautify things especially men appreciating the female form is normal. Looking when your wife is accompanying you is upsetting to many women. Please do not take what follows as a scolding about porn because I think shaming men about porn and maturbation is wrong. I think it should be a private thing. I dont own my husbands mind and body we share a life and he is a separate person and capable of deciding what he should do. 

My principles are mine and I can decide to accept him or not. I chose to not only accept him but to respect him. In my opinion you should not stay with someone you cannot respect. Discrete porn use is not a reason to disrespect. An addiction means a man is not in control and can garner a loss of respect. So .....

Porn- well I hate porn. The men here say that it is because women are insecure that's why most don't like it. First if it does make women insecure so what. If the wives of these men looked at ripped naked men and maturbated they would be blubbering mounds. If they looked at men crouches and made coments about how well hung they seem to be they would not be able to get it up. 

Porn iis a problem for me because I think it is an evil industry and it encourages the objectification of women. However, I am not my husbands keeper, I dont have high levels of testosterone so I have no idea what it is like. So, I ask him to be discrete. 

In addition to my feelings that it is evil, i think it puts demands on women to perform. It usually involes something a man has seen in porn and it is usually geared towards his pleasure. Of couse men will say well a wife should want to please and that is true. But a husband should want to please too. 

My feeling is that marital intimacy is not just for male pleasure but for mutual pleasure. To me, a request for a profomence may be viewed as disrespectful by a woman who does not like porn. If she offers to put on a show then its all good but it is probably conterproductive to ask for one. 

If she did not want to do it she should just have kindly and lovingly say she did not feel comfortable. Your intensios were to tell her that you loved her form. Women love to be admired, or so i thought. Her intension should not be to make you feel ashamed and you should not allow her to define you. You know what your intensions are and you love your wife. So feel good.

I wish you the very best and I think you can save this but you need to be brave to get on an even keel. You can't let the tail wag the dog or let the animals run the zoo, metaphorically speaking not saying well you know.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## zpac (Nov 9, 2011)

Some women just have zero understanding of male sexuality. 

Men have 10 times more testosterone than women. The more testosterone the higher the sex drive is. 

If I had a wife who told me that I could under no circumstances watch porn I'd tell her fine aslong as we have sex everyday... But I don't like people with control issues so any woman who feels she should have total power over my sexuality could just piss off lol.


----------



## IAMCIV (Nov 8, 2011)

Esh, I'm at a loss, she just text me while I'm at work that she can't be with me anymore...

Nothing changed, she just can't believe or make herself believe that I am not struggling to look at porn. She doesn't believe it, so what can I do? 

I mean seriously to leave because I'm not looking at porn, but might have thought about it?

After analyzing things it seems that her behavior towards our relationship is similar to her view on illness. Every little thing is blown out of proportion. Her brother said to leave her, and I was like, everyone has there problems and he was like yeah, but I'd be out of there if I were you. I guess that's why he's still single.... 

She has for the last 2 years at least once a month said she wants a divorce because she knows I will look at porn and whats the point of staying together if she knows she's just going to leave in the future.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

IAMCIV said:


> Esh, I'm at a loss, she just text me while I'm at work that she can't be with me anymore...
> 
> Nothing changed, she just can't believe or make herself believe that I am not struggling to look at porn. She doesn't believe it, so what can I do?
> 
> ...


 This is such a shame because her mental illness is what is driving her beliefs and paranoia....The facts are ..... if she is not willing to acknowledge these problems and get some professional help -for the mutual happiness of the marriage and her sanity, seriously, your hands are freaking TIED. I agree with her brother, single or not, the man knows what happiness is NOT. I would feel the same. 

If you are willing to be her sacrifical lamb , love unconditionally & beg & plead trying to convince her you are not looking at porn, jaking to porn for a few moments of normalcy here & there, which I would liken to a merry go round of anxiety & future divorce threats, I guess you can continue on. 

I would only entertain that idea -IF she committed to help , seems she is foolish enough to LEAVE you, I guess that should make it all the easier. 

I have read alot of stories on here, and it always amazes me when the sane Normal thinking partner is clinging to the messed up one for dear life. 

Very unfortunte situation , I feel for you, truly I do, as you love her very much.


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

If she wanted a divorce, she would've gotten one by now. She doesn't want a divorce....she (for whatever reason... that she won't seek help for) wants to stay and keep you miserable. 

You choose to stay. You cannot change her way of thinking. You cannot heal her. YOU have choices, either part ways or learn to deal with her on her terms.


----------



## annagarret (Jun 12, 2011)

that_girl said:


> You lied and hid it. That would be a deal breaker for me too. I make it clear that I don't like porn pretty much on the first date. So, this would be a huge problem for me. The lie. The hiding. No good.
> 
> Why are you fighting looking at porn? I mean, you say you're not addicted, but that sounds like an addiction to me.


Men, this is the typical reaction from almost ALL women, and I am a woman. This reaction is totally far from the truth. That's the problem with us women on this topic. Women don't get it. I used to be like this. 

Wives lets finally get some insight on this issue with our men. They will always, always, always struggle with porn and lust. If we don't have the wisdom, compassion, insight and love to listen to them and touch them in their soul on this issue we have let our husbands down. 

Your wife needs to talk to other women who have gone through this struggle with their husbands too. There are great books out there, Every Mans Battle, by Steve Arterburn to start.

I commend you for sharing with your wife. I pray she comes around.......Keep fighting


----------



## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

In The Dark said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't think this is totally a male issue. My wife had a EA this summer. We are working through it but I put a keylogger on our computer to verify no more contact with OM. What did I find? She is looking at porn. I haven't addressed it with her yet. I'm no prude and have looked at porn before but would prefer that she share her fantasies with me rather than looking at porn. Communication has always been an issue with us, especially in that area. We are working on R but am not sure how to bring this up. She is repressed in that area and am afraid it would close her up even more in that dept. But anyway, I don't think we should just assume this is always a male issue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Zzyzx (Aug 24, 2011)

IAMCIV said:


> Esh, I'm at a loss, she just text me while I'm at work that she can't be with me anymore...
> 
> Nothing changed, she just can't believe or make herself believe that I am not struggling to look at porn. She doesn't believe it, so what can I do?
> 
> ...


Walking on eggshells does not a healthy marriage make.

She won't change unless she wants to change and if we understand your posts well enough, she doesn't want to change. Further, you can't change her. At all. So think it through: do you really want to live the REST of your life like this?


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

annagarret said:


> Men, this is the typical reaction from almost ALL women, and I am a woman. This reaction is totally far from the truth. That's the problem with us women on this topic. Women don't get it. I used to be like this.
> 
> Wives lets finally get some insight on this issue with our men. They will always, always, always struggle with porn and lust. If we don't have the wisdom, compassion, insight and love to listen to them and touch them in their soul on this issue we have let our husbands down.
> 
> ...


 Are you Me? - I THINK just like you- and I used to have a problem with porn too, I used to post scriptures on my husbands computer screen when I caught him downloading playboy bunnies. 

I didn't know it was Arterburn who wrote that book, I had another of his books, excellent writer ! I am no longer a christian but just the fact that IS a christian book -just speaks volumes, so it truly IS "Every man's battle"- even the more spiritual among us. 

Here is the link : Amazon.com: Every Man's Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time (The Every Man Series) (9781578563685): Stephen Arterburn, Fred Stoeker, Mike Yorkey: Books

.


----------



## Voyager (May 23, 2011)

hmmm... My guess is that the wife in this case is living a self fulfilling prophecy. Does she perhaps feel unworthy of marriage? Clearly she is not happy in the relationship but is that because she is absolutely paralyzed with the fear of losing it? I think there are some pretty deep self-esteem issues here and sex/porn is just the most obvious way to bring about the future she (probably unconsciously) feels she deserves.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

zpac said:


> Some women just have zero understanding of male sexuality.
> 
> Men have 10 times more testosterone than women. The more testosterone the higher the sex drive is.
> 
> If I had a wife who told me that I could under no circumstances watch porn I'd tell her fine aslong as we have sex everyday... But I don't like people with control issues so any woman who feels she should have total power over my sexuality could just piss off lol.


Agreed, life is too short to allow someone else's emotional instability to ruin it.


----------



## ilikeindos (Aug 20, 2011)

I guess anybody can have any opinion in life (my opinion is that disliking all forms of porn, even tame ones, is silly, but again that's just my own conception). Nonetheless, did she outline this when you first met or were dating? Does she have generally conservative opinions? 

If she discovered you liked porn, and never mentioned this before as a dealbeaker, then IMO she is being too hasty. We don't have to approve of anything in life, but this does not mean we can preclude others from doing it just because we don't like it. I think also that in relationships, we take the rough with the smooth. A person could have a girlfriend who is nice in most areas, but has a tendency to be ditzy, or a tendency to swear a lot. A few negative qualities shouldn't override one's general affection for another.

If though, she had said she doesn't like porn categorically, and you still viewed it her presence, then I think she is justified in leaving.


----------



## IAMCIV (Nov 8, 2011)

SA and Anna thank you, and everyone else too. I'm trying to figure out what in the world to do.

In the past she's told me she wanted divorce for a bunch of things. And I always played her game. She yells divorce and I show her how much I love her by winning her back, or convincing her that she was wrong. 

When she would think she was sick, she would tell me her symptoms and I would like roll my eyes of say she wasn't sick, basically I paid no mind and she would say, "You don't care about me, you don't care if I die lets get divorced..." and I told her of course I care about you, it's just that you're not sick and on the dance went until she believed I cared about her again.

Well you can only tell someone that you want a divorce so many times before they start believing it. I told her one day she didn't love me, and that she says divorce so often it must be what she wants. She said she was sorrry and says things when she is emotional and never wanted a divorce unless of course I was looking at porn. I think the idea of me needing her and showing how much I wanted to be married to her made her happy and satisfied. And I know a lot of women play that game, plus she's stubborn and I never wanted to chance losing her. So why no play her game? Now I see.


----------

