# Husband hasn't gone to work in over 2 weeks!



## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

I am at my wits end and don't know what to do! My husband has been abusing his FMLA ever since he was introduced to it 3 years ago. He ends up taking 60-70 days off a year for a back problem that doesn't really bother him. His doctor just has to sign off on it every 3 months and doesn't question him at all about it. He goes on these streaks of not going in for days, or as of late, for weeks!

This time it all started 2 weeks ago when he got up, took a shower, got dressed, put his jacket on and then came into the bedroom and told me he was going to take the day off so he could go to a house inspection with me. I didn't argue because I wanted him to go. Then the next day he doesn't go in because he hardly slept. The next day it was because he "accidently" switched off his alarm rather than hitting snooze. The next day it was Thursday and he wasn't going to go in then because that's only a day away from Friday when he definitely wouldn't go in, especially because it was Memorial Day weekend and he had the following Monday off!

Well last week Monday was Memorial Day and then I said to him that night that he WAS going to go into work on Tuesday right? To which he replied an exasperated "Yes, yes I'm going in". Well he gets up and leaves the house at 4:30AM. I just sit and think THANK GOD he went in! Well he's also been known for coming home a few hours into his shift for a long lunch because he's bored or wants to take a nap. Well sure enough, a little after 7AM he comes home and says he's going to take a nap. You haven't been at work for a week and now you come home 2 hours into your shift because you have nothing to do?! I go wake him up after an hour only for him to tell me he has a stomach ache and doesn't feel well. Oh my f****** god! So he doesn't go back to work. Doesn't go in on Wednesday and once again I know he won't go in Thursday (because its a day away form Friday!) and won't go in Friday. All he does is sit at home and play his video games and eat and drink and take naps and watch tv.

Well here we are at Monday again. I pleaded with him last night to go in today and he once again assured me he would. Well 4:15 comes around and his alarm hasn't gone off yet. I turn over and see he turned it off, of course on purpose! I tell him to get up and he goes "I hardly slept at all last night. I'm going to go in late." I know damn well he's not going to go in late. He's not going in again! I want to cry. I want to punch him. I want to scream at the top of my lungs what an ass**** he's being. But I'm so mild mannered that I never say what I want. I bottle it up until I'm about ready to explode. He knows how upset I get every time he does this and he almost seems to think it's funny how mad I get. Then tonight he'll promise me he'll FOR SURE go in tomorrow until he ends up with a headache or something.

He's 45 years old and works a union job. It takes a lot to get fired but I swear he's on the brink. He was on the phone with his doctors office several times last week trying to clear up all his absences and get them covered. Telling them how his back hurt so much and how he went in for a few hours one day last week but the pain was too much. I can't continue to pay all the bills and the rent and the groceries because he is too lazy to work. Nothing I say to him gets through because he always tells me I'm overreacting and I need to chill out and everything will be okay. How the hell am I supposed to believe ANYTHING he tells me anymore? Even when he does go to work I never know if he's going to come home a few hours into his shift. And then if I get angry at him he will turn it right around on me and get angry at me for getting angry at him. He'll tell me "how am I supposed to go into work when I barely slept an hour"? And then he'll bark at me for everything. I'll be the one apologizing to him for getting mad in the first place. It's really messed up that I feel I need to apologize to him!


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Mapper said:


> He's 45 years old and works a union job. It takes a lot to get fired but I swear he's on the brink. He was on the phone with his doctors office several times last week trying to clear up all his absences and get them covered. Telling them how his back hurt so much and how he went in for a few hours one day last week but the pain was too much. I can't continue to pay all the bills and the rent and the groceries because he is too lazy to work. Nothing I say to him gets through because he always tells me I'm overreacting and I need to chill out and everything will be okay. How the hell am I supposed to believe ANYTHING he tells me anymore? Even when he does go to work I never know if he's going to come home a few hours into his shift. And then if I get angry at him he will turn it right around on me and get angry at me for getting angry at him. *He'll tell me "how am I supposed to go into work when I barely slept an hour"? *And then he'll bark at me for everything. I'll be the one apologizing to him for getting mad in the first place. It's really messed up that I feel I need to apologize to him!


When he asks you that, say "You are a grown man, YOU figure it out! Bills have to be paid!" Then walk away. Don't apologize.

Yes, I would be furious as well. I would consider going over the bills and eliminating any expenses for HIS sole benefit. Cut back where it hurts HIM. See if that doesn't send a message.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

FMLA protects up to 60 days from the time it was approved. He is at risk when he goes over those days. Is he abusing pain meds? I havebeen on it for the last 3 years. I have barely used it and when iI did I used vacation days to cover the time. Your husband is lazy and just doesn't want to work. I would hate to have him on my job crew.
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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

richie33 said:


> FMLA protects up to 60 days from the time it was approved. He is at risk when he goes over those days. Is he abusing pain meds? I havebeen on it for the last 3 years. I have barely used it and when iI did I used vacation days to cover the time. Your husband is lazy and just doesn't want to work. I would hate to have him on my job crew.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No he isn't abusing pain meds. He barely takes anything for it. Just goes in and fakes it for the doctor when he's taken too much time off and gets a note. It's not like what he does is taxing. He basically sits at his desk all day and walks to he floor. He can sit at his desk here for hours after hardly any sleep and play his video game but he can't do the same at work.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

When he loses his job he will probably cry how unfair it is. Whats unfair is his coworkers who have to cover his work cause at 45 he is uplate playing video games. For all the great things that a union brings its the employees like your husband who abuse the protection.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Tell him that he gets fired then you will divorce him. It's on thing to be laid off but a man screwing up at work exposing his family to financial ruin is not something to hold on to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

IF you don't have kids, I would go the divorce route.

He is a) in the wrong job b) lazy c) has improper moral values ... Not a great candiate for a husband or a father.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

I feel your pain!! I have been where you are. My hubby had a government job that is very difficult to get fired from, especially after his 18 years there. In his job he was under large amounts of pressure so I understand his burnout. We could have planned a career change but instead his laziness and lies lost our family financial security. It really sucks. 

Do you have children?

You can't continue to be mild mannered or pick up the slack for his irresponsibility. Take action with the suggestions from the other posters...tell him this isn't what you signed up for, you're leaving if it continues, sell his video games and use the money to pay a bill, stop paying for cable or whatever luxuries he has. He needs to either man up or you need to make some decisions. I have been walking this path for just over a year now. It's no picnic retraining a 45 year old man who flushed his career down the toilet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

MsStacy said:


> I feel your pain!! I have been where you are. My hubby had a government job that is very difficult to get fired from, especially after his 18 years there. In his job he was under large amounts of pressure so I understand his burnout. We could have planned a career change but instead his laziness and lies lost our family financial security. It really sucks.
> 
> Do you have children?
> 
> ...


No we don't have any children together He has a 15 year old daughter from a previous relationship, but she lives with her mom. We get her one weekend a month and she takes the train to come up and visit. These last 2 times he hasn't even been able to pay for her train ticket and I had to do it! I had to pay for us to go out and do stuff with her.


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

Yup just as I suspected, I just got the third degree from HIM! 8:45 and he finally gets up. Of course he isn't going in late. He isn't going in period since his shift is half over already.

He comes in the room and says good morning. I don't say a word. He kisses me and I don't reciprocate. He then says that he didn't sleep AT ALL last night. I say "drink coffee". He goes "WHAT?" I said "drink coffee and go into work like everyone else". He is silent for a few seconds and then gets immediately defensive and goes "Oh I guess I was exaggerating then when I said I didn't sleep at all! Didn't you hear me up walking around all night?". I go into cowering mode and go "Yeah a few times". I then apologize for saying what I did as I always do because I'm so damn timid to stand up to him.

How many people do you think don't sleep at all and still manage to drag their asses into work everyday? For some reason he thinks he's special??!!


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

what is it that you love about this guy that is keeping you in this marriage? he is a slacker and shows not respect for you or his job. Of course he turns it around and gets angry at you. you are a threat to his cushy lifestyle of not working and paying the bills. how pathetic that he couldn't even pay for his daughter's train ticket. he's like an irresponsible, disrespectful, unruly child who you keep bailing out. I don't know what is left to save, but if you do want to save this for some reason, it's time for you to show some tough love through actions, since words aren't cutting it. maybe you need to move out to a one room apt. cut off the credit cards, cable, his phone, don't fill the cabinets with food. he's a leech and he's sucking the life out of you. I'd read him the riot act - no yelling, but just that you've had it and will not take it anymore. no arguing - there's nothing to argue about. you don't need to convince him that he's a lazy user. you know that he is. make plans to get out.

you already know this, but if you are cowering in fear of his anger and end up apologizing to his lazy @ss, it is very very sad. you are not wrong here. if you feel like no matter what you say, you can't win, and you end up apologizing for being a responsible person, then he is not good for you, not good for your self esteem, and this is not a happy marriage. it is unbalanced. you give; he takes. that's not a marriage. you need to leave. he doesn't care about you. if he did, he wouldn't treat you this way and then make you feel bad about it. shame on him.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

People do it everyday. Your husband is a employed bum.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

Of course I'm in the wrong. He MEANT to go into work, but he just didn't sleep so of course he COULDN'T go and sit at his desk at work. It's not like he's a air traffic controller who needs to be at 110%! If I go into it any more with him he will jump down my throat that it wasn't his fault. He was up listening to me snore all night.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

My jaw is on the floor. How does he get away with this? If he's really that bored at work, that shows me that his job is not needed...how on earth does this guy stay employed?

You need to get some counseling for yourself if you are really too scared to put your foot down. This is just going to get worse. Is this the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

The funny thing is, he was PROMOTED to this job last summer! With all his unpaid days off, he won this position over 5 other guys who actually go to work daily! It got him from working on the floor to a cushy office job. Now he's bored out of his mind so feels he mine as well just stay home.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

He's a taker that will emotionally and financially drain you.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Does he hit you or berate you? You say you are timid and back down - those are signs to me you fear him. If you have insurance, I suggest you find someone in network and go to counseling. You need to find out why your voice isn't important - you are dealing with low self-esteem.

It doesn't matter that he didn't get ANY sleep. Yes, the rest of us drink coffee, or drink a 5-hour energy drink or redbull, etc. and tough it out. He'll sleep well the following night!

He feels no need to change the status quo - he's getting away with being a total slacker and you AND his job are enabling him. He has no reason to change. If he DOES get fired I bet you he'll sleep all day and play games all night and not even look for a job. Then you'll be supporting both of you. The other possibility is he's depressed (therefore unmotivated plus sleep issues) OR he's narcissistic and thinks he's too special to have to do what everyone else does.

You need to decide what you are willing to put up with.


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

No he doesn't beat or berate me. He just doesn't listen to me when he thinks he's in the right, which is 99% of the time. He talks over me and makes me feel like what I say isn't valid.


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

Husband actually get up and goes to work this morning after more than 2 weeks of not going in. He comes in and kisses me before he leaves and has the balls to tell me that he'll probably be home in a bit because he hardly slept again. ARE....YOU...KIDDING...ME??!!!!!! He saw how angry I got about it yesterday, not to mention how many other days, but feels there's no problem coming home after he shows his face at work for a couple of hours. Why does he think he's this special butterfly who can come home after a few hours because he didn't get his needed amount of sleep? There is no other job where his behavior would allow him to keep his job if he did this! I have no idea how he can even show his face at work after he pulls days or weeks of not going in! How he can go in without the fear of being fired.

Funny how when we had our offer accepted on a house a few weeks ago, he could wake up happy after only a few hours of sleep and go into work for the entire day without a problem. But shortly thereafter when the inspection turned up too many problems and we had to pull out, now he can't go into work because he's barely getting enough sleep. I'm upset about it too, but every time something goes wrong in his life-ex pisses him off, co workers piss him off, life in general pisses him off, he feels he has every right not to go into work for days.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Real go getter you got there. I am a shop steward for a huge union I would hate to have to defend him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

Yup he's a real gem. He left at 4:00AM this morning and he just came home. It's 6:03 AM! His excuse today was there was NO ONE there. Really. A company of thousands of people and NO ONE was there?? Well not two of the people he needed to talk to which apparently constitute no one. Wow he made like $30 today compared to the $0 from last week, except for Memorial Day which was paid, and $0 from the week before that.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Mapper said:


> No we don't have any children together He has a 15 year old daughter from a previous relationship, but she lives with her mom. We get her one weekend a month and she takes the train to come up and visit. These last 2 times he hasn't even been able to pay for her train ticket and I had to do it! I had to pay for us to go out and do stuff with her.


Divorce this loser and let some other woman deal with it. You deserve more than this. Plenty of men out there would love to help provide for the home. Flush that turd! Flush it twice just in case!


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## ginger-snap (Apr 10, 2013)

Mapper, be glad you didn't get that house and take Sanity's advice. Can you imagine having to pay a mortgage with him?!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

You can come here and b*tch and moan daily or you can do something. Doing the same thing is obviously not getting anywhere. it's time for an ultimatum. In a marriage, two people pull their weight.

Frankly I wouldn't even give him an ultimatum. I'd just start packing - his stuff or yours, matters not. If you own, I suggest you pack HIS stuff because obviously he won't be able to pay the mortgage. See a lawyer, draw up the papers, serve him. He needs to be on his own - nothing sexy about being his momma.


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

This is probably just a symptom of something bigger... he hates his job, midlife crisis, wants to make a career change, wants to go back to college. Either way it's time to start preparing for the loss of his income for an indefinite amount of time. I can't say if it ever gets better, and I can't give advice on how to avoid the resentment. Just prepare yourself and try to let him figure it out on his own.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

The lying sack of crap! I got to thinking that maybe he didn't even go into work...just sat in the parking lot for an hour or something and came home. I check our phone records. Sure enough at 4:20 he left a message with his boss which was I assume was that he wasn't going in. Then I go into the car thinking that he killed time by going to McDonalds or something and I'd find the remnants in the trash bag in the car. Yup. In the trash was a receipt for Denny's for this morning at 5:15. I should have known by him coming through the door and telling me with such conviction and animation that NO ONE was at work today that he was lying. 

The thing is, I still won't be able to confront him about this. I'd love to hold the receipt up in front of his face and see what he has to say but even in doing that he'll find someway to turn it on me and make me look like I'm being the ass and I'll end up apologizing.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

You know, a person can be abusive without raising a hand. The fact he is gaslighting you into thinking YOU are at fault is emotional abuse. 

Mapper, I really think you need to go to counseling to find out why you are willing to be bullied. I also suggest you purchase the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. 

My ex often had me so uptight/upset/confused that it was hard to argue with him even when I knew I was right. I think you need some professional guidance. OR just leave.

You can also refuse to be swayed. Just keep asking him the question. Why did you lie about going to work and waste our limited money and your time this morning at Denny's?

He will bellow, blow smoke, complain you don't trust him, how hard his life is... do not engage. Repeat "Why did you lie about going to work and instead go to Denny's?" Until he answers you. Try to focus on his nose, he scowl, but not his eyes. That can be intimidating to face. If you get an answer finally, go to the next question. Odds are he'll storm away.

You could try writing a letter and leaving it for him. Explain you are frustrated at being the only person bringing in income, are tired of being deceived, that no sleep is an excuse easily addressed and if he hates his job you need him to find another. If you give an ultimatum you need to be willing to do it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Didn't you post about a similar problem not too long ago? And were advised to leave this guy and you said you never would? Doesn't sound like things have changed much.


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## talin (Apr 25, 2012)

He won't change unless you change.

If nothing else stop paying for his daughters train ticket!


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

If this was a mother folks would be crying about mommy burnout and the need to be supportive. The guy sounds depressed from some mundane job he goes to to make ends meet with little to no upward mobility that he desires. All you've done is spit fire so in the near future he'll have two places he can't stand going. But hey, divorce the lazy, good for nothing, lying, sack of dog crap. You'll show him.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

To the OP...

So what exactly do you want? Or are you just venting (which is fine too). But he's not going to change without something to change his inertia. So either get used to it, or figure out what YOU'RE going to do about it. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

You can't harass him into work. It's time to sit down and have a talk about what's going on with him. Tell him you need honesty, and try to let him explain the situation without getting angry at him for sharing. Then you will be able to figure out how to move forward, together or separately...


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Make him start paying you rent. Just kidding....or am I?


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Has he lost his job and doesn't want to tell you so he makes up reasons to not go in or leaves, wastes some times and returns?


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

staarz21 said:


> This makes a lot of sense and explains his behavior. It's not excusable by any means and he needs to man up. OP you need to put an end to this though.


Actually this would make more sense. I would call HR and tell them you are an employer verifying a job reference. They should tell you if he was employed there.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Mapper said:


> The thing is, I still won't be able to confront him about this.


No, you are choosing not to. Just like choosing to pay for his daughter's train ticket. 

He is abusive, but the only person you control is yourself. This guy is way out of line, and the time for an ultimatum was long ago.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

staarz21 said:


> This makes a lot of sense and explains his behavior. It's not excusable by any means and he needs to man up. OP you need to put an end to this though.


If this is the same OP I remember from an identical thread a few months ago, this behavior has been going on for awhile so I don't think he has lost his job.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

This thread reminds me too much of my soon to be ex H, who was laid off from his job and basically decided he was done working. He lied and said he was trying to get a job, when I knew he was not. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...sband-told-me-he-does-not-want-work-ever.html.

Now I realize that he has narcissistic personality disorder and is extremely passive-aggressive. It explains his "Peter Pan" syndrome, his extreme sense of entitlement, his feeling that he is 'special' and should not be asked to do- well, anything, his lying and manipulation, etc. etc.

I don't know that an ultimatum will work OP, but it's worth a try.

The suggestions that he is bored, wants to do something different etc. don't hold any water because when an ADULT wants to switch careers, he simply plans how to do just that. He doesn't nonchalantly decide he's just going to play video games all day instead while his wife handles the bills.

I understand why you don't want to confront him- he'll try to make YOU the "crazy" one. And with this type of man, IF he is anything like my H, honestly talking to him is pointless. He will refuse to discuss the relationship. I agree with Enjoli that you should attend a counseling session or two to talk things out.

It IS abuse. I didn't really realize how abusive my marriage was until I moved out and started putting everything that happened in perspective. I realized how NOT normal his behavior really was and how deeply it was affecting me.

I wish I could sound more optimistic for you. Maybe it was a blessing that you did not get the new house.


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## SouthernMiss (Apr 25, 2013)

I do wonder if your husband is depressed. I wonder this because my father approaches work in a VERY similar way and is chronically depressed (he's bipolar but tends heavily toward melancholy). 

I feel bad for both of you. There's a lot on this thread who are ready to burn your husband at the stake, but let's just stop for a second. I apologize if I missed this, but what does his general work history look like? Has he usually been a good employee? Has he any past depression problems previously?

Please don't just up and divorce this man. Divorce may be an option at some point, but don't just do it without attempting counseling, therapy, talking. And yes, you have to take responsibility for refusing to confront him. He is responsible for not going to work. You are responsible for steaming and brewing about it instead of being a grown up and confronting the issue. Y'alls problems compliment each other nicely unfortunately. And I'm not bashing you for being timid. I'm only saying you must work past it, or accept it as your failing.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> The guy sounds depressed from some mundane job he goes to to make ends meet with little to no upward mobility that he desires.


Uh - that would count if he actually went to work to make ends meet. But he doesn't. He's invented a medical excuse and convinced a doctor to sign off on it. That sounds like pretty clear thinking for someone so deeply depressed. And if he just got a promotion, how exactly is there no upward mobility?

My husband had one of these guys at his job. The guy got drunk at home one winter morning went outside and slipped while trying to snowblow his driveway. He got FLMA for six months. He came into work because the doctor would no longer sign off, somehow magically injured himself again while sitting at the desk, got FLMA and Workman's Comp for another six months. The day he's scheduled to show up after all this - he's a no show and get fired because surprise, he was in jail for DUI. 

And in the mean time, they officially couldn't fire this guy, and hence weren't given permission to hire someone else while he was gone. My husband and the other people in the office had to pick up the slack. And because they are salaried, that meant no overtime. 

But no yeah - I definitely think he should have as much time as he needs to play as much Halo he needs to feel better. Definitely not spending his time getting therapy for this crushing depression though. 

PS - I'm not saying there's no possibility this guy isn't depressed. And I realize the sarcasm might be misplaced. But if that's honestly the case - then it needs to be addressed pronto. He should be spending his time using that FLMA to conquer that depression and legitimately return to work, not using it to - whatever all day.


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## SouthernMiss (Apr 25, 2013)

Starstarfish said:


> Uh - that would count if he actually went to work to make ends meet. But he doesn't. He's invented a medical excuse and convinced a doctor to sign off on it. That sounds like pretty clear thinking for someone so deeply depressed. And if he just got a promotion, how exactly is there no upward mobility?
> 
> My husband had one of these guys at his job. The guy got drunk at home one winter morning went outside and slipped while trying to snowblow his driveway. He got FLMA for six months. He came into work because the doctor would no longer sign off, somehow magically injured himself again while sitting at the desk, got FLMA and Workman's Comp for another six months. The day he's scheduled to show up after all this - he's a no show and get fired because surprise, he was in jail for DUI.
> 
> ...



I agree. IF he is depressed, it must be addressed. The status quo isn't working and everybody is being cheated in this scenario (himself, employer, fellow employees, wife, etc.)

Although I will say that someone can be quite depressed and still concoct stories to cover for themselves. In fact, that's a typical scenario. Rarely will a depressed person say "I'm too depressed to work. I can't cope with life. Someone help me." It would be nice if they did, but that's not usually the scenario.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Mapper said:


> The lying sack of crap! I got to thinking that maybe he didn't even go into work...just sat in the parking lot for an hour or something and came home. I check our phone records. Sure enough at 4:20 he left a message with his boss which was I assume was that he wasn't going in. Then I go into the car thinking that he killed time by going to McDonalds or something and I'd find the remnants in the trash bag in the car. Yup. In the trash was a receipt for Denny's for this morning at 5:15. I should have known by him coming through the door and telling me with such conviction and animation that NO ONE was at work today that he was lying.
> 
> The thing is, I still won't be able to confront him about this. I'd love to hold the receipt up in front of his face and see what he has to say but even in doing that he'll find someway to turn it on me and make me look like I'm being the ass and I'll end up apologizing.


Oh my god, STOP sabotaging yourself! He isnt going to do anything if you confront him, besides whine and pout! i bet if you had followed through when you actually SAID something yesterday, that he would have griped and whined about how he didnt sleep, and probably would have gone in to work! He is a blowhard! It means nothing! Also, WHY should he care if you get mad, you dont do a damn thing about it! He has you pegged. He is a lazy crybaby, and you are his enabler. YOU are the one who can change this... once the enabler stops enabling, the dynamics have to change! Whether that means that he grows up and goes to work and acts like a partner in the marriage, or he keeps doing what he is doing and you LEAVE. 

I am one of THE most non-confrontational people you would ever meet, and *I* found my voice and courage and LEFT. Folks like us just really have to dig deep, and no one can do it for us.


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

Now finishing up almost 3 weeks of him not going in. I got up yesterday and went out to the couch where he was sitting and didn't say a word. I was so angry the previous day and laid on the couch not saying or doing a damn thing. All he did was go "Oh poor honey bunny. You look like you're sick" and tried to get me to laugh while he was snuggling up to me. Yesterday first thing he says to me when I get up is "You look like crap. Are you ok?" I said "NO! I am NOT ok". He nonchalantly goes "Well I know you're mad at me for not going into work, but is that all?" Is that ALL???!!! I asked him how he can possibly still have a job after all this time. Well that got his ire up and I then got the long tirade of how he's NOT going to get fired over this. How at the most he'll get a warning and you need 3 warnings over the same thing to get fired. By not going in he thinks they will realize that they need to get a new person to fill his current position so he can go back to working on the floor. So adult of him! He's like a spoiled teenager who is going to stomp around and pout because he has to go to work. He then goes "Well I didn't feel I had to explain this to you because we had the same conversation a couple of months ago when I was so fed up with the position. Well why would you think you'd have to explain to me why you aren't going in?? I mean obviously I should understand why!Oh yeah a couple of months ago once again where you didn't go in for about 1 1/2 weeks because you thought "you'd show them" how you don't want to be in the position any longer by not going into work. Gee that worked out well didn't it? They basically brushed it off and didn't do a damn thing to move you out of the position. He makes it seem like he's in the right by doing what he's doing. And I love how he constantly tells me almost every night how he's for sure going in the next day, but then amazingly he doesn't get ANY sleep the night before and can't go in.Or how he tells me after hitting his alarm 5 times in the morning how he is going in, but he's just going in late, which of course never happens.

He's supposed to go to this conference out of state in 2 1/2 weeks and I have been planning on going with him for the past 6 months ever since he told me about it. But then he kept telling me that they still hadn't made their airline reservations and how he was so pissed because spouses are going and they need to know what to book. Well up until about last Friday he was telling me to just go ahead and book a flight and if we are on different planes that's fine. I told him I wanted to wait to see what flight he is on. I asked him again two days ago if he could please find out so I could book the ticket. Then he tells me that maybe it's just a case of him going by himself and getting it over with. All of a sudden the whole trip which was supposed to be a vacation of sorts for us is turning into a chore for him that he just wants to do alone. Then the next day is when he tells me he doesn't want to go at all because he is trying to get out of his position. So you would have let me buy a $300 ticket, and almost seemed to be encouraging me to buy one, and then told me a few days later that you didn't want to go?!


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Starstarfish said:


> Uh - that would count if he actually went to work to make ends meet. But he doesn't. He's invented a medical excuse and convinced a doctor to sign off on it. That sounds like pretty clear thinking for someone so deeply depressed. And if he just got a promotion, how exactly is there no upward mobility?


If the source of your pain is the job you will find a way to not go if you can. I also said no upward mobility that he desired. That's the key. Lead machine operator is still a machine operator.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

This lazy, selfish man-child needs a swift kick in the ass. Lets make a list, shall we? He has:

- filed false FMLA, this is fraud
- is trying to "get out" of a position he doesnt like by missing work for a fake medical condition instead of being a man and asking for a transfer
- knows that by not working he is angering you, and doesnt care
- lied to you that he is going to work, but went out to breakfast instead
- lied to you that he is going to work, and just wont go
- lied to you that you could go to a conference with him for a "vacation" ... he never intended to go
- has allowed you to be the sole provider in your home while he sits home and plays video games

You need to ask yourself this question: IS THIS A DEALBREAKER FOR ME? Because I tell you what, it would be for me! I believe its also time for an ultimatum: go to work every day, or get out. Period. Work or divorce, pick one. This man has no respect for you at all, or for your marriage. I would consider turning him into the union over this, he has falsified FMLA, he is committing fraud. I have a girl at my work pulling this crap as well, she has a "female" issue that keeps her home like 5 days out of the month. ALL of us in our office resent the hell out of her, because we know that most of those days is her just being a lazy ass, and we all have to pick up her slack. Its bullsh!t. Find your voice and stand up for yourself, stop letting him take advantage of you. He isnt being a partner.


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

HOLY CRAP!! He actually went to work today. I sent an email to his work email (which he can only access from work) and received a response so I know he's there and not having breakfast at Denny's again. Almost 3 full weeks of no work and it shocked the crap out of me that he actually went in on a Friday after all this time off. 

But really, it doesn't really surprise me because of yesterday's events. When he has issues with his ex or his daughter or his coworkers, that's when he won't go into work because he feels like he can't work when he's upset. Hell, people do it every day! But yesterday things started going his way. We went in to see a lender about this house we our hoping to get and he told my husband that his credit was up and that were are pre approved and our agent says we have a good shot at the house. Now my husband feels like he's on top of the world and woke up early to go to work. Just like when we got our offer accepted on another house (that eventually fell through with the inspection) he woke up after only a few hours sleep with a smile on his face and a "go get 'em" attitude. Nothing made him angry for that week. Then when the inspection fell through and we didn't get the house, he got all down and said that we will never find anything, etc.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Mapper said:


> HOLY CRAP!! He actually went to work today. I sent an email to his work email (which he can only access from work) and received a response so I know he's there and not having breakfast at Denny's again. Almost 3 full weeks of no work and it shocked the crap out of me that he actually went in on a Friday after all this time off.
> 
> But really, it doesn't really surprise me because of yesterday's events. When he has issues with his ex or his daughter or his coworkers, that's when he won't go into work because he feels like he can't work when he's upset. Hell, people do it every day! But yesterday things started going his way. We went in to see a lender about this house we our hoping to get and he told my husband that his credit was up and that were are pre approved and our agent says we have a good shot at the house. Now my husband feels like he's on top of the world and woke up early to go to work. Just like when we got our offer accepted on another house (that eventually fell through with the inspection) he woke up after only a few hours sleep with a smile on his face and a "go get 'em" attitude. Nothing made him angry for that week. Then when the inspection fell through and we didn't get the house, he got all down and said that we will never find anything, etc.


Based on his lack of work ethic, do you really think it wise to get a new home? Do you realize that you, and you alone, may end up having to make the mortgage payments? My H did work, however the company he was working for was rather "iffy" on his job performance (we found out later). Anyway, everything was running smoothly and we purchased our first home. Two weeks after we moved in, he got laid off of his job. Seems they would have done it sooner, however they knew he was buying a home and felt it was kinder to wait until after the purchase. In short, he lost his job shortly after purchasing the home and it quickly became very difficult to make ends meet.

You may want to discuss his attitude about his job attendance before signing on the dotted line to protect your own financial interests.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

The bank is going to want to see pay stubs for the past few months, yes or no? Not a good look with all those no paid days.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

Yup I realize that I may be stuck with the mortgage, but I pretty much pay the entire rent now as it is and our mortgage is only going to be about $50 more a month so it's not a big deal. I mean it's a huge deal that that he isn't paying, but I can survive if that ends up being the case.

Yes we already turned in the bank stubs from the past two months and the lender said everything looks great. My husband says he'll just say that he was really sick so he couldn't work and of course it will work out for him.

He actually just called me and told me that he is officially stepping down from his position and going back to the floor on Monday. He said there was no problem when he went in after 3 weeks of not being there and told them he no longer wanted the position. They told him that they figured something was up but he can go back to working on the floor. So really, you couldn't have gone in 3 weeks ago and told them the exact same thing without the 3 week hiatus just to "show them" that you don't want to be there anymore?? His new manager said she'd take him on but wanted to be assured that he wouldn't take all these days off. He of course said that in no way would he do that and that he's just happy to be there. Gee, he has said that with every position with that company and a few months down the road, guess what? He won't get along with his coworkers, he'll think everyone is against him and he'll go back to taking days off because he's upset. GUARANTEE IT!!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Why on God's green earth would you buy a house with this man?
This becomes a marital asset that you will split 50/50 when you eventually get fed up with this utter B.S and divorce him.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Your mortgage may only be 50 more, but what about taxes and maintenance, as well as any HOA fees, insurance, and utilities you're not currently paying? Not saying it's a bad idea, but suggesting you be realistic about the costs. It's much more than just the mortgage. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ginger-snap (Apr 10, 2013)

And repairs. Believe me, when your roof starts to leak, or your main plumbing line gets clogged, or your water heater craps out, those costs add up, even if you do the repairs yourself. Get a good, reputable home warranty and renew it if neither of you are handy. Check the policy carefully to see what's covered and how much the service fee is per visit.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Mapper said:


> Yup I realize that I may be stuck with the mortgage, but I pretty much pay the entire rent now as it is and our mortgage is only going to be about $50 more a month so it's not a big deal. I mean it's a huge deal that that he isn't paying, but I can survive if that ends up being the case.
> 
> Yes we already turned in the bank stubs from the past two months and the lender said everything looks great. My husband says he'll just say that he was really sick so he couldn't work and of course it will work out for him.
> 
> He actually just called me and told me that he is officially stepping down from his position and going back to the floor on Monday. He said there was no problem when he went in after 3 weeks of not being there and told them he no longer wanted the position. They told him that they figured something was up but he can go back to working on the floor. So really, you couldn't have gone in 3 weeks ago and told them the exact same thing without the 3 week hiatus just to "show them" that you don't want to be there anymore?? His new manager said she'd take him on but wanted to be assured that he wouldn't take all these days off. He of course said that in no way would he do that and that he's just happy to be there. Gee, he has said that with every position with that company and a few months down the road, guess what? He won't get along with his coworkers, he'll think everyone is against him and he'll go back to taking days off because he's upset. GUARANTEE IT!!


So it's really a forgone conclusion that he will revert back to his lazy habit and you are still ready to commit to the financial obligations of home ownership with this man?

Not trying to be mean here, but you see the writing on the wall and know what's going to happen. So why do you feel you should financially tie yourself with this man?


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Funny, you posted to someone else:

"No one should stick with a bad marriage or a bad marital partner. People generally cannot change too much..."

But that's exactly what you are going to do. You are going to come here on a weekly basis and whine about him. You no longer respect your husband and frankly he isn't deserving. No way would I buy a house that he will not be contributing toward in ANY way, then becomes half his when you finally can't take it any more.

However, based on how his mood reflects on his work efforts, I think he should see a psychiatrist. I really think he has a disorder that meds could help. I think you should postpone the house, tell him that you want him to see a doctor (that YOU choose, not his enabler) and that until he has worked for at LEAST a year and followed the psychiatrist's advice, that you won't enter into a legal obligation such as a mortgage because you are not in this marriage - financially or emotionally - alone.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Buying a house with this man is a BAD BAD BAD IDEA!! For all those reasons everyone mentioned above! You should be thinking about marriage counseling before you move ahead with ANYTHING with this man. He has zero respect for you, and that is something that needs to change for anything positive to happen.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Based on your posts I'm sure you're not backing out of the house deal. His 'issue' while frustrating to you isn't enough to stop you from making plans to continue on in the relationship as if it's just fine.

But, like others have pointed out, this isn't some hiccup in your marriage. He has some SERIOUS character flaws (not habits, there are huge differences in the two) that will keep you pulling your hair out for years to come. The man is dishonest and sneaky. He lacks integrity, and is basically a coward and poor communicator. These are things that you can't change, or wish away. Good luck with that in your new home.


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Funny, you posted to someone else:
> 
> "No one should stick with a bad marriage or a bad marital partner. People generally cannot change too much..."
> 
> But that's exactly what you are going to do.


I never posted that. You must have me mistaken for someone else.


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

PBear said:


> Your mortgage may only be 50 more, but what about taxes and maintenance, as well as any HOA fees, insurance, and utilities you're not currently paying? Not saying it's a bad idea, but suggesting you be realistic about the costs. It's much more than just the mortgage.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Taxes and homeowners insurance are including in the mortgage estimate, no HOA, and utilities will be about the same as we are paying now. I realize we will need items for the house and there will be issues that pop up that nee to be fixed. but I have reserve for that in case he can't help out.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Mapper said:


> Taxes and homeowners insurance are including in the mortgage estimate, no HOA, and utilities will be about the same as we are paying now. I realize we will need items for the house and there will be issues that pop up that nee to be fixed. but I have reserve for that in case he can't help out.


Sounds like you have resigned yourself into covering financially for any future lapses of employment on his part. Let's just hope and pray you stay healthy since it appears that you will be the future breadwinner in this household.


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## talin (Apr 25, 2012)

A house is a lot more than just a bunch of bills.

It's an even greater commitment than marriage itself.

You are heading towards disaster.


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

staarz21 said:


> You will be regretting buying this house with him since you already know he is going to go back to being lazy and not go into work. Like the others said, there is more than the mortgage to a house. Utilities are typically more than in an apartment, appliances cost when they break (fridge, dishwasher, stove, a/c, furnace, water heater, etc), Homeowners insurance, and taxes as well. You have to keep up on maintenance of the home such as mowing the grass and trimming bushes. Is your H willing to do that stuff? You said he's lazy. You may end up doing that yourself.
> 
> Don't forget that when/if you divorce, it will be half his even if you paid the mortgage the whole time because he refused to go to work.
> 
> Consider talking to a financial adviser or someone who can tell you what you're in for with buying a home.


Well right now we are in a house, not an apartment and utilities are just as much as they would be in our own house. As I said before, insurance and taxes are included in the monthly mortgage. And mowing grass, trimming bushes, cleaning gutters, raking leaves, weed whacking is all done by me now so it won't be any different if we have our own house. And we will never divorce because I married him for better or worse and he sure as hell would never initiate it because he has it so good.


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## talin (Apr 25, 2012)

Mapper said:


> And mowing grass, trimming bushes, cleaning gutters, raking leaves, weed whacking is all done by me now so it won't be any different if we have our own house. And we will never divorce because I married him for better or worse and he sure as hell would never initiate it because he has it so good.


You're the only one who goes to work steadily and you do all the home maintenance. You'll never leave him because you married him for better or worse and he'll never leave you because you take care of everything.

That's all well and good but realize that you are enabling this man to be unmotivated and lazy and you are taking on an unfair share of the responsibilities.

It doesn't have to be that way.


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