# Any hope?



## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

You've played it pretty straight with me thus far, so I'm going to ask for your help once more. Please read my previous posts for background. My husband and I have another MC appointment this afternoon. The last time we went, he told me that he felt attacked and ganged up on, because the therapist saw several of the things that I had previously pointed out to him. 

My IC therapist recommended a couple of books on anger management that are specifically for men. So, I went out and bought them. Hubs said he probably wouldn't read them, because he doesn't like to read. I've asked him to go to a therapist both to talk and to get his anti-depressants adjusted. He's been on the same meds at the same dosage for about four years, so I'm sure they're no longer effective. He thinks therapy is a waste of time. However, he does think that I should start taking anti-depressants. I keep telling him that I'm not clinically depressed. I KNOW what's causing my problems, and I want to feel my way through them to a resolution.

My daughter and I still maintain our relationship, but it's very strained. She can't come over here, and if I go visit her or talk to her on the phone, I get the third degree from my husband. I moved here to be near my older kids and my grandchildren. I dreamed of big holiday dinners and birthday parties and other things that Memaws are supposed to do with their grandbabies. I can't do that, now, because my husband can't seem to be in the same vicinity as my daughter.

I've asked for more intimacy. Men on the forum said that women should be very specific in what they want. I thought I was. I told him that I needed him to sit near me, and touch me, i.e. hold my hand, stroke my leg, play with my hair, any form of physical contact. I told him that I didn't want to be kissed like I was his mother, but like I was his lover. Nothing happened, so I pretty much threw myself at him a week ago and gave him a deep, passionate kiss. After I withdrew, I told him that is what I needed. A demonstration is pretty specific, right? Since that time, I’ve received one half-hearted attempt at a real kiss.

So, here I am going to IC, MC, rereading "Codependent No More," and continuing to take care of him like a mother would. He, on the other hand, refuses to do anything more to reconcile with my daughter, only goes to MC with me because it's what I want to do, refuses IC, and won't read the books that I've given him to help with one area of our relationship.

I have given other people advice, here, that staying for the sake of the kids is the wrong thing to do. Quite simply, I suck at taking my own good advice. I've been faking in for my son's sake for quite a while, and I fear his reaction if I decide to split our home. If it weren't for him, I would have left long ago. I don't know what else to do to try to make this work. 

I'll say it. I'm not really very bright. I stayed with my first husband (the cheating, abusive alcoholic) for two years after I found out about his first affair and the physical abuse started. So, if I stayed that long in that situation, how much more difficult is it going to be for me to leave when it's just my feelings involved? I don't know how long to stay and try. I think it was actually easier to deal with my unhappiness when he was blissfully ignorant. Now he knows how I feel and, though he says he'll do anything to make our marriage work, refuses to do anything to help make our marriage work. That's even more difficult. 

Please advise. I'm clearly too dense to figure this out for myself.

Thanks,
Mattsmom


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Well, issue one for me is that he feels ganged up on. Never a good sign. That means he's never gonna open up in there again, and since that's the whole point of being there. That's the first thing that needs to be fixed.

There can be no progress if those issues can't be out in the open without ridicule, or a feeling of attack if something is said.


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## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

Thumper,

I understand that. The problem is that I wasn't even talking at the point that he felt ganged up on. The therapist confirmed things that I had said to him in the week or two prior to therapy with no prompting from me regarding his lack of commitment to fixing our marriage, his depression, and his need to get his meds adjusted. Her comments were based solely upon the things that he was saying during the session. 

I've tried to encourage him to go to IC, but he refuses. He's said from the beginning that he thinks therapy is a waste of time. If that's his opinion, I'm not sure there's much hope of MC being of any benefit, anyway.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

OIC, well that changes it up a bit then. He doesn't want to be there then!?!?

Well I know this always sounds drastic, but that's when a planned/temporary separation usually is required to "kick start" the brain of the other spouse. So he's got the best of all worlds right now, your still willing to have sex with him, talk with him, probably cook, clean his clothes, keep most of the house work up. He doesn't have to commit, show emotion, show remorse, heck he doesn't even have to talk probably. The 4 week trial separation is a great tool in showing the spouse exactly what the divorce looks like without committing to ending the marriage, but it sure feels the same by week 3 or 4. They don't know unhappy they really are until they have to do everything for themselves for a while. The only problem with it, the risk that the marriage is in more trouble than you think, and he's doesn't want to come back.


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