# No Place Safe...



## Confused Love (Dec 29, 2010)

I know I already wrote about my BPD but something has come up and it's really bothering me. Thanks in advance for reading and any comments are appreciated. 

I think it's important for you guys to know that I am off my medicine. It's not my choice. I tried for weeks to talk to my doctor about getting a refill and he never called me back and when I went the pharmacy route, they said he denied a refill till I could be seen. I have been without any meds for a week and it's taking a horrible toll on me, and of course, my hubby as well. 

I am overwhelmed daily with negative emotions; anger, sadness, anxiety, irritation. They all flood into my head at once and its a jumbled up mess, so much so, I can't even discern which emotion I am feeling and why at any given moment (unless something specific happens). It's awful. I just want to ball up in a corner or do other things that are much more destructive. It takes A LOT for me to not act on these impulses and continue with my day, being productive and acting like things are fine. There is no where safe when I get like this. I don't mean safe as in physically, but emotionally, there is no where I can go and no one I can be around. I feel this constantly, save for a few spare moments which brings me to my situation. 

Last night, my hubby and I went to a friends house as part of our usual Sunday night thing. I was having a horrible day and the only way I knew how to deal was to lock myself in the car with music and not talk to anyone. I decided to go to my friends anyway because there is never any drama or anything deep we talk about, it's all just watching movies and joking around. Hubby wanted to be able to come home and play on the computer with a friend of his after we would get home from this friends house. Well, I was having fun and I wasn't feeling so awful emotionally anymore and so I wanted to stay and play. (Little Big Planet for the win!) Hubby started making comments about wanting to leave saying he was tired and what not. I wasn't even thinking and I said that he wasn't, he just says that so he can go home and play...I said this in front of everyone. Yes, that was bad. Anyway, I just kept playing and after a while we went home. 

When we got there, I told Hubby I was going to bed and that I loved him. He responded with a cold, "Night." I asked him what was wrong and he got all over me about the "tired" comment and then went into how I knew it was important to him to play because he hasn't gotten too this week and I am so disrespectful by ignoring his want to go home...so on. I don't handle it well at all when he turns cold on me. I told him I didn't appreciate him not saying I love you. To me, for him to not say I love felt really extreme. This is where I don't know what's illness or what is valid. I said that even though I "hurt" him or whatever, it shouldn't stop him from loving me. He rolled his eyes and said,"Whatever, you do the same thing. To think that I don't love you because I don't want to show you because I am upset is such dramatic, extreme thinking." 

That really hurt. Extreme thinking is what I am prone to right now, I can't help it. I don't know, in a way I feel like he his right and part of me wants to be able to apologize and move along. The other part of me says he should know better and realize I am not in a normal state of mind and by the very fact that he would call my thinking "extreme" should be a signal for him that something was amiss there. I get so angry when I have to apologize, it's probably wrong, but I do. He rarely apologizes and admits fault. He rarely says he was a jerk or should have shown more compassion. THIS WHOLE THING IS OVER HIM NOT BEING ABLE TO PLAY HIS F*****G GAME! 

I am so everywhere emotionally. Thanks for reading this. I understand that you will probably not know what to respond with and that's alright, people usually don't. It's good to vent it out anyway.


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## Jaz (Dec 29, 2010)

dont blame it on little big planet >=|

on another less important note,
there seems to be some extreme thinking on his part as well. he's not being very mature about it, even he was genuinely hurt.
i get that a lot though, being an emotional mess, and hubby not getting the way my mind works makes it all the worse. one thing that works for me is to be larger than the issue at hand.
whatever the problem is, make the effort to be the bigger man--so to speak....your maturity would catch on.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I hope there has been progress with his parents Confused... =/

It doesn't seem like there's anything really that can solve this issue while he's freeloading.


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## Michelle27 (Nov 8, 2010)

Knowing what I know about BPD (I am 100% convinced my husband is undiagnosed BPD and have done a ton of research on it), your reaction to him not saying "I love you" is normal, especially since you haven't been able to have your medication. 

Also, I am on the "other side", dealing with living with a person with the disorder (or at least with traits) and you're right, it is difficult. I can't speak for your husband, but I know that in my case, I spend a lot of time worrying over his behaviors and reactions to things I say and do. Things have improved a lot since I started working on my end, but that "walking on eggshells" feeling I don't think will ever truly go away until he has dealt with his own "stuff" himself. I'm wondering if that is a way your husbands comments and behavior could be explained. He's reacting to his fears rather than what's really going on. I know I have been guilty of that.


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