# Emotional Affair Heartache



## hrtbrkn73 (May 5, 2014)

I have been married 7 yrs. We have known each other for 9 years. Were best friends in the beginning. we had the perfect marriage no drama, no fighting, absolutely perfect. Around a year and a half ago I had it in my gut feeling something was wrong with us. He became distant, no affection, no feeling. He at the time had a very stressful construction job going on. I never believed he would do me wrong. My suspicions lead to snooping and found phone numbers on his phone that were coming in on weekend nights. I have found physical evidence of lipstick on his shirts. He has had an excuse for everything or the fault of something falls on me. As of now we haven't had sex or any intimacy in 13 months. I am 41 and he is 47. I don't believe he has had a physical affair due to the fact medical issues has lead him not to be able to have sex. I know however that he has had a very emotional attachment to a woman he met a while ago. I found the emails that she sent to him. He is very secretive of his phone. 
I am so absolutely crushed by this whole thing. We have argued now since my discovery 3 weeks ago. They are just friends he says, but he did admit they talk to each other about their marriages. He has been to her house. I never heard him speak of this woman. I had to find her own my own. He still will not tell me her name or to the extent of the relationship. 
I would like to save this marriage and he says he wants to as well. He says he loves me but he is not in love with me like he used to be. He says I have changed. I have some physical issues that have kept me from working since 2010. That has affected my self-esteem sure, but I don't know how to be anyone else.
My questions are how do I trust him again? How do I deal with the deep hurt? How can I not be suspicious of everything he does? I can't seem to get the courage to talk to him about things, I usually wind up crying and then angry. We do not have the financial means to seek counseling so I am having to depend on people who have been there. 
We once had a marriage that was easy to be in and now after this I struggle everyday with the decision of whether to fight for it. I am totally lost and confused and so hurt. I never thought our marriage would be at this point.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Just because he can't have sex due to medical issues does not mean it's only an EA. There are lots of ways to have sex.

As far as your questions go.. you will never, ever be able to trust him fully again, you'll always have "one eye open". And that's assuming best case scenario, which is that he comes completely clean, admits to everything and gives you complete transparency for the rest of your lives. It's a rather tall order.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

So sorry you are going thru this mess.

Is he remorseful and has he gone NC?

Is he giving you access to his phone?

Will he go to MC?

If he does not help with your pain, it will take longer to get thru this mess. I hope he owns his actions and makes the changes necessary. 

If he does not make changes and is not remorseful, it will not work. It takes more than one trying to make marriage work.

If you find out that he will not make these changes, you should read up on the 180 to help yourself out of his life.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

hrtbrkn73 said:


> Were best friends in the beginning.... no drama, no fighting, absolutely perfect.....


I think he can say these very words about his new "friend" too. 

And that's the reason you shouldn't trust him. Some of the major signs of cheating are there - and it's not just cheating as a ONS. 

The lipstick on his shirt are proof that it isn't "just" an emotional affair. There's serious oral occurring. 

Why don't you do yourself a favor. Go see a lawyer. Get the facts on what a divorce looks like. You can probably get a free hr consultation. See several lawyers. 

Then look up divorce procedures in your sate on the net. See if you can print up divorce papers. Print them out and hand them to him. 

Tell him you're serious about being in a committed marriage and you'll be free to find one as soon as he signs the papers. 

You have to mean this for it to have a chance to succeed. 

There's a chance he'll be eager to sign them. But if that's the case wouldn't you want to know now rather than in a couple of years of continued heartache?

Sorry you're here. But you can get through this. 

BTW... you should do what you can to find out who this person or persons are by using the phone numbers. Let their significant others know what's what. And don't rely on him to give you any info on the woman/women. It ain't gonna happen.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

hrtbrkn73 said:


> I have been married 7 yrs. We have known each other for 9 years. Were best friends in the beginning. we had the perfect marriage no drama, no fighting, absolutely perfect. Around a year and a half ago I had it in my gut feeling something was wrong with us. He became distant, no affection, no feeling. He at the time had a very stressful construction job going on. I never believed he would do me wrong. My suspicions lead to snooping and found phone numbers on his phone that were coming in on weekend nights. I have found physical evidence of lipstick on his shirts. He has had an excuse for everything or the fault of something falls on me. As of now we haven't had sex or any intimacy in 13 months. I am 41 and he is 47. I don't believe he has had a physical affair due to the fact medical issues has lead him not to be able to have sex. I know however that he has had a very emotional attachment to a woman he met a while ago. I found the emails that she sent to him. He is very secretive of his phone.
> I am so absolutely crushed by this whole thing. We have argued now since my discovery 3 weeks ago. They are just friends he says, but he did admit they talk to each other about their marriages. He has been to her house. I never heard him speak of this woman. I had to find her own my own. He still will not tell me her name or to the extent of the relationship.
> I would like to save this marriage and he says he wants to as well. He says he loves me but he is not in love with me like he used to be. He says I have changed. *I have some physical issues that have kept me from working since 2010. That has affected my self-esteem sure, but I don't know how to be anyone else.*
> My questions are how do I trust him again? How do I deal with the deep hurt? How can I not be suspicious of everything he does? I can't seem to get the courage to talk to him about things, I usually wind up crying and then angry. We do not have the financial means to seek counseling so I am having to depend on people who have been there.
> We once had a marriage that was easy to be in and now after this I struggle everyday with the decision of whether to fight for it. I am totally lost and confused and so hurt. I never thought our marriage would be at this point.


That's not your fault.

Your husband should be supporting you, not roaming round like a Tom cat looking for a neighbour's gatepost to urinate on!

Time he remembered his wedding vows and who he made them to!


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## hrtbrkn73 (May 5, 2014)

I printed out an article on Emotional Affairs so he could read it so he would know the severity of the situation. I am having such serious anxiety attacks just simply confronting him. Anyway he said he read it , but he doesn't seem to want to discuss it.
Am I wrong to want him to get all this out on the table now instead of delaying it out. He just does not want to talk. He sometimes gets defensive but for the most part he will let me talk or cry, but then he has nothing to say. Am I being foolish to want to know more about this relationship with the OW? 
I did tell him we neede counseling but we are barely getting by now. His attitude towards this is that he gives me space then I will get over it. I can't do that! He says we will be okay but I don't see how.


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## hrtbrkn73 (May 5, 2014)

He is still very secretive with his phone. He used to turn his ringer off when he got home he alwayw did that to get away from work calls, this is his work cell phone. Now I can go downstairs and he is texting somone. Sometimes he will turn the phone away from me so I can't see anything. He has gone so far as to hide it in the garage for the weekend which is whdre he usually is working when at home.


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

Yes, it's a hard thing. Trust is tough to regain.
Sorry you are here. He needs to be more open and upfront for now on. Or, it will never work.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Apparently he sees you as no more than a cook, housekeeper, and patsy.

As long as you keep giving him signals that you're willing to put up with his antics he'll happily keep truckin along.

And you are giving him those signals loud and clear. No, not with what you say but with what you do. Actions speak volumes. Words are just syllables to him. 

YOU are responsible for your life. Not him. Not anyone else. Take control of your life. Have a little respect for yourself. Have a little faith in yourself. Have a little confidence in yourself.

Say very little to him. Start the 180 for your own sanity. See a lawyer ASAP.

Who controls the $ in your home? Do you have dhildren? Do you have relatives nearby who you can look to for support?


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## hrtbrkn73 (May 5, 2014)

Our kids are all grown and out of the house. I do everything in this household including finances. All of my family is 2000 miles away. I have a goal to get back to things I enjoyed myself. I have quit doing things for him to make a point.


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## Working1 (Sep 28, 2013)

Tell him you envy his new found life experience, that he seems so alive and confident and fulfilled. Tell him you feel like you want that same feeling for yourself! That it must be amazing and go out for some girls nights out right away. don't tell him you are going out looking for men, just go out and seem like you are having a good time.
see what happens, I guarantee you will get a response that will surprise you! Join a coed softball team, it will spin him around.


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## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

To much disrespect by him to you.Instead of being more open with the phone he is the opposite,texting in the garage with it and turning away from you when texting.He won't talk about it and wants to give you space to get over it,well see a lawyer,ask him to leave so you can have that space and when you divorce him then you can tell him your over it and him too.Good Luck.


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## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

You said he is in construction and when he comes home he has lipstick on his shirt.He tells you something fell on him.Ask him if it was a200lb steelworker wearing lipstick that just happened to land on his collar.


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## hrtbrkn73 (May 5, 2014)

I want ya'll to know how much I appreciate your tqking the time to read and comment on this. You have given me some ideas and strength. 
I love him very much and I do know he loves me. Things have gotten a little better. My trust issues or feeling comfortable around him has lead me to sleep in the guest bedroom for the past month and I usually stay in the living room in the evenings by myself and he sits downstairs. I know I need to get the courage to sit downstairs in the evening and monitor him, but I can't bring myself to do it. I say by myself...I have two dogs that are loyal to both of us so I think they split their visiting time between us . 
He just left for work. He usually gives me a quick kiss in the morning and tells me to not overdo myself. I feel that he is heartfelt but then again he used to say I love you and so did I. It hurts too much to say it right now. I feel like I will set myself up for more hurt if I do say it.
I can't believe that our marriage ever got to this point. My sisters tell me if we don't make it then there is no hope for anyone...that's how perfect our marriage was. I know it will never be like that again. 
There are two parts to my feelings, one to stay and make it work or two to give up everything and struggle. I have no income and qualifying for disability has been a nightmare. My family is great, very emotionally supportive and loving, but none of them have the means to take on me until I get it together. I guess that is why I try so hard to make this work. Its not fair that I feel like I am the only one hurting in this. I can't get past it. I try not to dwell on it, but darn if it ain't so hard.
I failed to mention that I did sit downstairs one Friday night and stuck to him like glue so he couldn't erase his texts. I got up early the next morning to see she had texted him so I answered the text as if I were him. I could tell she is in love with him. It went on for about 45 milutes until I couldn't read it no more. She didn't seem to lead me to believe that there was sex, but she did seem she was totally in love with him. I woke him up with the phone in his face told him to read the conversation. He says he never read it and he erased it. Not reaaly sure.
The reason I told you that is that conversation runs through my head everyday. Most of the time it just plain hurts..sometimes it angers me. Its hard to love when you hurt.
I found this website trying to research how to heal and what I needed to do to repair this marriage. It is just simply relieving to put my words down and get it off my chest. Growing up my mother would explode. I tried my best not to be like that as an adult but man do I wanna explode. I wanna tie him to a chair and just let him have it til its gets drilled in his head about how hard this has been for me...ya know.
Again I appreciate you letting me sound off. It does help.


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## hrtbrkn73 (May 5, 2014)

I love the 200lb steelworker. I will have to remember that for next time.


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## HeartbrokenOne (Mar 12, 2014)

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I just posted myself. We are in almost the exact same situation. 
I don't know what to tell you about what to do, I am also without income and dependent on my cheating husband. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in your feelings and situation. Stay strong, be kind to yourself, and remember it's not your fault.


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## intuitionoramiwrong (Mar 18, 2014)

What do you know about this woman? Is she married? 

It is clear he feels he is doing nothing wrong. I am actually surprised you are being so calm.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

you can't begin to trust him again until he does everything possible to make you feel safe. you need to decide what that means for you, tell him and then see if he's willing. 

i'd start with full transparency with his phone. no compromises.


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## hrtbrkn73 (May 5, 2014)

I know absolutely nothing about this woman...her name was a fictional man on the phone contact. My calmness I assure is not constant. I am an hysterical mess at times. Some days are better than others. Right now I keep myself busy...I am cleaning house...by that I mean I am getting rid of anything that ain't nailed down in either garage sales or ebay. I am using my fury in a positive way. I look at it either I will have a really clean house if I do decide to stay or there will be nothing to worry about packing or dividing if it comes to divoece. In the meantime I stash that money away. Its amazing how much you care about possessions when your life is falling apart. 
I am a survivor...my previous marriage was to an alcoholic drug using abusing sob so have built some strength in my life.
Its all about what you learn from life. This event too I will learn something from it just haven't figured that one out yet.


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## hrtbrkn73 (May 5, 2014)

Okay so I read the 180. Didn't know what it meant at first. He is never gonna initiate talking about this. I need to talk about it! I need answers. So is that what I really do is wait for something that is never gonna happen, meanwhile I am crushed. Gosh there are no words to describe how crushed I am.


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## hrtbrkn73 (May 5, 2014)

He does not give me access to his phone. I have a plan though. When he gets home on Friday I am going to tell him to leave the ringer on and leave the phone available to me to see who text him on the weekends. If he doesn't go for this then I am done. 
I already know what I have to do to end this marriage. Believe me I am alone enough to have had time to think about this.
Before I read the 180 I went downstairs last night calmly and wanted to see if he read the article on Emotional Affairs. He said he did but he wanted to read it again and he had a headache so he didn't want to talk.
This morning when he got up to go to work I didn't get up to help him get out the door which I always have. He has got to realize he needs to be accountable for himself and be self sufficient cause he might be alone come the near future. I am so at my end.


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## hrtbrkn73 (May 5, 2014)

I gotta give ya'll an update. I was definitely going to do the 180. Then I found evidence that I had decided I was gonna wait til later to expose per the 180. Then I found more evidence...and that did it for me. This was all in one day and completely by accident...wasn't even snooping.
Anyway the second evidence was a lipstick napkin. I don't wear lipstick unless we go out which has been a long time. I sat down on the deck with my bottle of 94 proof and 6 shots later came up with an idea. I made his dinner like I do every single night. He has a 3 course meal every night. I took the lipstick napkin placed his silverware on it put his plate in front of him and then I proceeded to take a long hot bath while he ate alone.
He went downstairs after he ate. I went down after bath to get my laptop and i went up to him and said...in the calmest voice I have ever had.." I could see why you would go after her she is cute. Tell her i like her hair better down though. And yeah your right her husband does look like a ****. I hope he isn't real mean when I call him." Then I walked away only to go back and say " By the way get ready cause the house is going up for sale and I want a divorce."
This house has been in total silence then. Now I have a headache and a hangover but I definitely feel some relief.
To go back farther I did do a search on the phone number and found her on facebook. That number has been disconnected but there are other numbers to use plus her husbands name.
I am very proud of myself. Just thought might give someone an idea. Thanks for listening yall.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

hrtbrkn73 said:


> He is still very secretive with his phone. He used to turn his ringer off when he got home he alwayw did that to get away from work calls, this is his work cell phone. Now I can go downstairs and he is texting somone.


hrtbrkn, you know the answer here.

He's still cheating on you.

He thinks you will never leave him. So he doesn't have to quit; he can have it all.

The ONLY hope you have to save your marriage is to do ONE THING: and that is to SHOW him that you WILL LEAVE him if he doesn't stop. That is your only hope.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I don't think his medical issues are still affecting his sex life.


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## hrtbrkn73 (May 5, 2014)

I made hime give me his cell phone for the weekend. I have full access. This was a surprise to him so he didnt have a chance to notify anyone. He did have it airplane mode though. I fixed that. What exactly is airplane mode?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

hrtbrkn73 said:


> I sat down on the deck with my bottle of 94 proof and 6 shots later came up with an idea.


What's with all the drinking? Not Good.



hrtbrkn73 said:


> in the calmest voice I have ever had.." I could see why you would go after her she is cute. Tell her i like her hair better down though. And yeah your right her husband does look like a ****. I hope he isn't real mean when I call him."


What did you expect to accomplish with that? If you're going to call the husband, then just do it. Your husband would have found out soon enough and that's the better way to handle it.



hrtbrkn73 said:


> Then I walked away only to go back and say " By the way get ready cause the house is going up for sale and I want a divorce."


I sure hope you meant it and plan to follow through because if you don't he won't take you seriously anymore and he'll realize it's threats with no substance and he'll do whatever he wants.



hrtbrkn73 said:


> I am very proud of myself. Just thought might give someone an idea. Thanks for listening yall.


You're proud of yourself because you drank a lot of strong booze and threatened your husband with divorce? If you're going to divorce him, then just see an attorney and let him get the papers. Nothing needs to be said. 

Anyway, If you follow through, then yes it's something to be proud of.

If you aren't planning on filing for divorce, then the whole thing is pointless and will ultimately work against you because you've played all your cards.


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## catsa (Jun 8, 2013)

Airplane mode takes the phone offline. Nothing can come in. You can still move around on the phone. 

He thinks he's smart, huh? 

Since you turned airplane mode back off, you'll get everything. But if you get nothing, he warned her. 

Good luck. Sorry you're here, butNice to see someone with self respect
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hrtbrkn73 (May 5, 2014)

I never drink . That bottle has been in the cabinet for a year since I touched. Believe I had a serious hangover the next day.
Totally meant what I said about the divorce and still mean it. 
As far as calling the husband I have severe anxiety attacks just when I get ready to do it. I am trying to get the courage.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Send him a text if you don't want to call.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

hrtbrkn73 said:


> Totally meant what I said about the divorce and still mean it.
> 
> As far as calling the husband I have severe anxiety attacks just when I get ready to do it. I am trying to get the courage.


You don't need to call the husband. You don't even need to speak to _your_ husband.

Just file for divorce and get him out of your life as quickly as possible.


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

He is still cheating. Do you access to the phone?
It's time to sit him down and tell him to leave. File for separation and play the 180 big time. 

Who is this woman? Is she married? Expose her now


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

I wish this story wasn't so common but we have seen it a thousand times. Get a damn good lawyer and go dark. Don't tell your soon to be ex any plans. As mad as you are you need to stay quiet and be smart about your tactics. 


Expose like you are the national enquirer and do as much reading and preparation as you can. There are tons of resources on this site alone. 

My best advice is to cling tight to your biggest supporter (girlfriend-family etc) and call then in times of weakness. Do not cry,beg or try to be seductive in any way to "win" that booby prize back. Use this time to really reflect on what you want........it's going to take at least a year before you really know how you feel about him. 


We have all seen betrayed spouses who moved the sun to get their cheating partner back only to realize they felt different once the dust had settled. Sometimes the wound is to deep to repair.


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## hrtbrkn73 (May 5, 2014)

I totally had a hysterical breakdown in front of him yesterday. The hurt is just more than I can bear right now. I am so devastated and I know I don't need to show him that. I told him I never would have dreamed we would be at a point like this in our marriage. This was the marriage everyone, our friends our family, envied that they would have a relationship like ours. We had the fairy tale that I never knew existed. I know I love him more than he does me right now.
I know my breakdown is completely against everything this site is about. I know I am not the first one to feel like this here either. I try to be angry enough about the whole situation to go forth and better myself for the future ahead. I just simply don't have the strength to do it right now. I have never felt heartache like this before. I am 41 and this is my 3rd marriage. The other 2 were abusive alcoholic drug addict sobs, so they were easier to walk away from. My husband now treated me like gold.
He has told me that I changed and I for the life of me can't figure out what changed about me. I have tried to figure out what went wrong, where I went wrong. I can't be someone else, this is me...this is who I am. 
He says I wasn't there for him when I needed him the most. I know I could not bear the stress he was under at the time so I put my defenses up. I didn't shut him out. I guess my reaction wasn't what he needed. So of course I question where I went wrong but at the same time I don't feel like I have become the person that he says I did. 
I have had some good advise on this site and have learned what I need to do. I have gotten some harsh reality checks on here. I expected that.
My question is ...Does it ever work out? Can the marriage be saved?
Do you ever feel like what you had was too good just to give up on? Is that normal? What if they never admit to what they did but sincerely seem like that they don't want "us" to end?
Can it be saved or am I hanging on to something that may never happen?
Again I do know about the 180 and I do know what I am suppose to do. It just doesn't help the deep hurt.
I will probably be better tomorrow, but I just needed to let you know how I feel right at this moment because I just needed to get it out there.
I have one friend in my life and that is my mother and of course she is gonna be biased because she loves me.
My husband was my best friend.....he thinks that was the first thing we lost. I don't know how to continue a friendship with someone you don't trust.
I wanted to let you know how much I appreciate your taking the time to read my pain. Its a shame this world has come to that point where there is so much of that just by how many people are on this website. It is overwhelming.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Don't believe a word he says. He's cheating so he's in the 'fog' and everything he spouts is just nonsensical justification so he doesn't have to admit what he's done.

If you want him, then fight for him. Get the facts on the cheating, expose the affair to everyone whose respect he craves and to EVERYONE on her side, so that his little fantasy about his awesome new life without you is burned. What have you got to lose - he's throwing you away. At least this way, you have A chance to end the affair and MAYBE clear the fog from his eyes so he sees what he's doing.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Fog--read up on that

All those buzz words he's dropping--"You've changed, we've grown apart....ILYBNILWY --it's so text book..... it's all part of the chemical process that takes place during affairs -otherwise known as the "grass is greener". 


Predictable and common but hurts nonetheless. 

Want to know what gets a person out of the fog faster than a Binny Hinn slap??? Push him out the door. He thinks he want what she is offering??? Well then let him go......but you better be prepared for what happens and it's usually them returning and seeing the error of their ways. 

Your marriage can unwind one of two ways-

1. Slow death by a thousand cuts (him playing both sides--humiliation, agony, stress etc)

2. You kick him out- he snaps out of it and you both work hard to repair it (if you want to ) 


I know it seems counter intuitive to push them away when all you want is to preserve your current life but you must. It's the only way ---read this board and educate yourself on what really works. Spare yourself the pain of delaying and trying to do it your way.


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