# Husband sending texts to another girl



## fancy198 (Aug 10, 2010)

Hello, I am recently married to the love of my life. Recently he has been going out to play beer pong with his friends, this includes one of his friends and his new girlfriend. I have found out that he has been texting this girl almost constantly. I read some of the texts (he doesn't know) and they are pretty flirtacious. It bothers me a lot. I said "wow she sure texts you a lot" and he just kind of acted annoyed and said dont worry about it. I am scared to talk to him about it because I have a history of being very jealous and at this point in time, I am trying so hard to not be. If I bring it up he will get really mad and we will get in a fight. I am so upset and I don't know what to do. Should I be worried?


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## wilted_flower (Jul 25, 2010)

YES! Be worried. If he's getting mad, it's because he has something to hide. 
You're his WIFE, and he should be turning to you for flirtation and discussion, not other women. He should be looking to get his needs filled inside the marriage. 

Who cares if you're acting jealous? This, more than anything else, is certainly something to be suspicious about, and better to catch it now before it turns into something more serious. 

And why does he need a girlfriend? He needs to understand that there are boundaries with friends of the opposite gender once you get married. You can't just flirt and cozy up to anyone anymore. It's just not appropriate.


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## fancy198 (Aug 10, 2010)

Thanks for the advice. Yes it is hard to hear, but at the same time he has never given me any reason to not trust him. I admit I am a very jealous person but I feel like if I say something he would just be so mad. I understand there are boundaries, like I don't talk to other guys at all, but he is clearly wrong. The last argument we got into he said he wanted to leave me because my jealousy is so bad. It was actually over this same girl. So for now, I don't know what to do...


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

fancy198: 

If you let this continue then your relationship is in serious trouble.

It is highly inappropriate and his shrugging off your comment is typical. Do not let this carry on. 

He is giving his attention to someone else when it should be only to you. If this continues it will mature to something more serious and as you try to address this with him, he will deny it, behave poorly towards you, may even be angry or shout, guess what.. its all part of the script.

If this does not stop now it is a poor sign of things to come and your marriage will be in jeopardy.

Tell the girl’s male friend/boyfriend then stand back and see what happens. 

If your husband finds out and get cross --*so what*; its your marriage – he had best buck up and do what is right, if he has a problem understanding the values and boundaries of trust in a marriage re-consider your future with him.

Speak to your folks and definitely speak to his. Shine a torch on this texting , no one in their right mind is going to support him. 

You will need to get hold of some of the text messages, forward them to your phone, as when caught his ability to deny and lie will be phenomenal.

If he claims privacy – well there are no secretes in a marriage unless he thinks you are a second-class citizen in the marriage, which you are obviously not.

Privacy is when you go to the bathroom, secrecy is deceipt. 

There are many examples of this on the forum. 

Below are some recent links to read.


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/15716-what-do-i-do-how-do-i-fix.html

.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/15698-infidelity-not-infidelity.html

How Do Most Affairs Start?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

So you have already fought over this girl once before, and he continues to do this after that and after further discussions?

Absolutely no consideration for your feelings.


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## aedilis (Jun 28, 2010)

Maria, I don't think that Breeze was joking. I think that your advice is not only wrong, but over-the-top hurtful. So the way to fix the problem of your spouse cheating on you is to cheat on him? That's real mature :scratchhead:. He can't have a guy's night out without you trying to put in his head that at any given time you might cheat on him if he goes? WTF is that? It sounds to me like you have some serious emotional issues that need to be worked out.

Fancy, I would sit him down and let him know that you're feeling uncomfortable with the amount of text messages going on with this girl. I'd turn the scenario around on him. Ask him how he would feel if you were texting this other guy as frequently as he is getting messages from her. Let him know that you don't mind people texting him, but that flirtatious messages and constant texting by girls is going to be a problem with you. If he continues, let him know there will be consequences for his actions.


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## Airam (Aug 10, 2010)

Hi Fancy198

I found this from a Dr. that works with infidelity.. i thought i would share it.. 

For an unfaithful spouse to engage in an affair without detection, two separate lives must be created, one for the lover and one for the spouse. A certain amount of dishonesty is required in both of them, but the major deception is with the spouse. 

So one of the most common clues of an affair is an unwillingness to let a spouse investigate all aspects of life. If two lives are necessary for an affair, and if a spouse is curious enough, the secret second life is relatively easy to discover. Difficulty in getting a spouse to talk about events of the day can be a sign of trying to hide the second life. 

One of the most common smoke-screens used by unfaithful spouses is to express shock that their spouse would be so distrusting as to ask questions about their secret second life. They try to make it seem as if such questions are an affront to their dignity, and a sign of incredible disrespect. They figure that the best defense is a good offense, and so they try to make their spouses feel guilty about asking too many questions. 

I am a firm believer in letting each spouse do as much snooping around as they want. Nothing should be kept secret in marriage, and no questions should be left unanswered. If a spouse objects to such scrutiny, what might he or she be hiding?


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