# Blindsided by wife of 10 years leaving



## leftout1 (Dec 5, 2011)

Two weeks ago today, I came home from work to my wife of 10 years waiting for me in the doorway with all her things packed in her car. She said that she just wasn't happy anymore and there's nothing I can do to change her mind. 

A little background. We met in high school when we were 14/15 and married at 20/21. There has never been another serious relationship for either of us. We have had a rough past 4 years with some financial setbacks, but overall we were happy and things were starting to turn around for the better. There has never been any infidelity on either side. We have had our share of arguments, but never physical and I would say nothing more than average. She says that there isn't anyone else and that she's just unhappy, but her reasons for leaving just don't add up. 

A few months ago I started pursuing a dream job. She was more excited about the possibility of moving than I was. She said that she only seriously thought about leaving in the past month. She says that she didn't want to leave her decent job and move away only to be trapped and unhappy. I understand the concern, but this was a complete blindside. I had NO idea that she was unhappy. We hadn't grown distant and our arguments had not increased lately. She's been sick the two weeks prior to leaving and now she's saying that it was nerves about her decision. 

I just don't get it. 8 days prior to leaving she was so excited for me to get home from hunting so that we could go downtown for a good night out. Back in May we had an incredible 10th anniversary trip and almost got to go back in October until job issues got in the way. 

It seems that at least part of the trigger is when the possibility of moving became quite real. I finally got my interview scheduled and she was gone three days later. It just seems like too big of a decision to happen so fast. I love her very much and want to make it work. I got her to see a counselor twice and the only thing that came out of it was that she had made up her mind. 

I just know that she's going to wake up someday too late and regret it. She's going to struggle very very much financially for the foreseeable future. I don't want to see her go through that. 

She's been at her mother's house since she left. I can barely get her to talk to me on the phone or in person. On facebook, etc, she acts like nothing has happened. I feel like my best friend was just killed in front of me. She was everything to me. We did everything together and got along so well. So many of our friends were envious of the relationship we had. 

My biggest problem is that there's a very good chance that I'll be moving in exactly 5 weeks from now. She wants to keep the place we have and it will be a huge financial struggle. I'll be moving to an expensive city and cannot afford or justify getting a place big enough and that allows pets for the tiny chance that she'll change her mind. 

I'm going to try to talk to her again tomorrow. I really want some answers to all the questions I have. Our situation just doesn't add up to a divorce. All of my friends that I have told are shocked and agree that it just doesn't make sense. What am I missing?


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Someone doesn't up and leave that quick and says that aren't happy and feel trapped. There has to be more details. Without those, we can't help much.


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## leftout1 (Dec 5, 2011)

She does have a female friend who has been through two long relationships, but is now living alone happy. I don't know if she wants her life or not, but she's not going to be able to afford the same quality of life. There's also a couple that were old neighbors of ours that just divorced. We both liked the couple and it was clear that the guy was too good/kind/patient for the woman. They're in a totally different state, but I can't help but think that her mind might be moving that way. I know nothing physical has happened, but maybe there's an emotional connection. I know that they talked once on the phone a couple months ago, but I thought nothing of it since she told me about it and I thought it was just a call to catch up. Am I overthinking that one?


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

I see some red flags that she is having some type of emotional / physical affair. 

Could just be my hypersensitivity though - what does everyone else think?

Ask yourself - someone who is ashamed to be having a relationship with someone else besides their spouse. Wouldn't you tend to lie about it as you didn't want to hurt the other person? I would do some digging into her recent past. You will find your answers there. As you said - This is way out of the norm for someone who was "INTO YOU". 

Make sense?


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Oh - there you go! The neighbor is "freed up" now and she wants to explore her wild oats....


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

It does seem like someone else is involved somehow. Someone who said to her "When are you going to divorce him so that we can be together? I'm not going to head down that road while you are married."

Of course before that, he said "Are you happy in your marriage?". And that got her thinking and acting.

Just a possible scenario that you need to make sure is not happening.

Check the cell phone bills for texts and calls to the neighbor, or someone else.

I hope we are wrong!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm guessing you have been replaced, I suggest you eliminate this possiblity by hiring a PI.

At the very least you may get *some* of those unanswered questions.

Investigating her will help in finding out if this has been a excape plan in the works for a long time. You may find secret accounts, secret emails, and a secret cell phone.

She may not be cheating but you will at least know how set up she really is by investigating her.

So quitely investigate your wifes finacial and emotional behavior, you may get some interesting answers to the questions you have.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Unless she is bipolar.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

90% of the time a woman tries to leave a marriage, there’s another man involved.

About half the time the husband never finds out about it. Don’t be shocked if she is having an affair, it would be odd if she wasn’t.

Look, if you want an opportunity to reconcile you have to kill all forms of pursuit. No calling, txt’ing, or emailing. You disappear and ignore any feelers she puts out (random txt asking how you are and stuff). There’s an old saying: “Be careful what you wish for”. She wants out, let her go without a fight and see how she likes it. Between not resisting her leaving and giving her the impression you’ll be fine without her she should start to have second thoughts. 

It’s going to take a good 6 weeks of NC before she start to defuse some of the negative thoughts about you and the marriage. Give her that time to think without you in the picture. Any influence from you will be seen as biased so don’t say or do anything other than “I support your decision and if you want a divorce then I will divorce you”. See, they always want the OPPOSITE of what you want, even if you agree with them. 

Take away the pressure to be with you by getting out of the picture for a while. Don’t expect too much within the first couple of months. Time is on your side so don’t be impatient. False R's a lot of times are caused by trying to R too soon.


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## leftout1 (Dec 5, 2011)

We just had a talk and I think I got my answer. The cell phones are under an account she started and I have no access to it. I told her that I wanted to look at the records to prove that she was telling the truth about there not being someone else. She adamantly refused telling me there was no reason. I explained to her the serious ramifications of her actions and how I will not do as we discussed for dividing debt/assets in a way that she could keep the place she's at. She doesn't care. 

I have no choice but to believe that she has something to hide by not showing the phone records or letting me look at her phone. She looks me in the eyes and tells me there's no one else, but she does it in a rather higher pitched tone and looks to the right a lot while talking. I think I've got my answer. Now I just have to figure out how to get access to those phone records.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Leftout - short of a court subpoena - you may NEVER see those records. If it she wanted you to see them - she'd let you have access. You need to operate now under the knowledge that she's not being honest and transparent. 

Lawyer up! This won't be pretty. So sorry for you.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Yea - hopefully the guilt will eat at her enough to blurt out some trickle truth, but it won't change much, unless you hire a PI and do some investigation on your ol' lady.


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## leftout1 (Dec 5, 2011)

at this point I'm just going to cut my losses. I'll eventually find out who it is. Finding out sooner won't change the situation really so I'll save my money for better things. We've dated since early high school. Once someone else is the target of her affection, then she's not mine any more and I don't want her back. Sad ending to such a relationship.


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## allthegoodnamesaregone (Nov 18, 2011)

leftout1 said:


> at this point I'm just going to cut my losses. I'll eventually find out who it is. Finding out sooner won't change the situation really so I'll save my money for better things. We've dated since early high school. Once someone else is the target of her affection, then she's not mine any more and I don't want her back. Sad ending to such a relationship.


I'm going through the same thing right now, 24 years together, got told the same bull. Six months later I find out she'd met someone online and had a EA/PA going on since the late spring of this year. I know it's weird, they become a complete alien, it's like a mental illness. 

The sad part is for months many of us think the whole thing was our fault and tear ourselves apart looking for reasons. For me finding out an affair was going on made it a hell of a lot easier to accept.


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

So sorry to hear this, leftout...I know how much it hurts. It was painful enough that my wife would give her affection to someone else, but the hardest part for me was that she couldn't even be honest with me about it, even when called out on it point blank. Sounds like you're doing what you need to do...focus on yourself, and leave her alone (ALONE) to find out what life is really like on her own. No fun to watch your wife struggle, but these are the choices she made, and if there's any hope for your marriage it can't come from you. Has to be her 99% at this point, because whatever problems there may have been in your marriage (there are always some), she chose secrecy and betrayal over you.

Hang in there, see a lawyer and get your business/finances in order. There's a good chance reality will hit her soon and she'll be asking for help and/or to come back. Up to you how to proceed...she gave you all the power here by desecrating your marriage and disrespecting you. Don't give it back. As for your pending move/new job, that definitely adds a lot of stress to the situation. I might consider making the move if I were you. Unless you want to wait and see if there's any chance of reconciling. I just hope you don't have to put your life on hold while in some kind of limbo. Do what what you need to do for you. Good luck...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

^^^ shamwow's back! welcome back bro! whats the news?


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## leftout1 (Dec 5, 2011)

thanks shamwow. I'm definitely not going to pass on the opportunity to take that job if it's offered to me. Way too good to pass up for any reason. We met at the lawyer's office today and she brought her own. We did not get to discuss dividing debts and assets, which is fine, but we did discuss closing/dividing bank accounts and credit cards. I gave her and her attorney an ultimatum. Either I get the phone records and they're clean and we proceed with a resolution that allows my wife enough disposable income after debt to be able to live on her own OR I have to assume the worst and we'll be dividing the debt and assets in a more even manner that puts her forever at her mothers or with whoever else she's with. 

While at the cell phone store dividing the joint account that I didn't have access to, she told me how it wasn't fair and that she won't be able to pay for her last two classes for her degree, etc. I told her that I wasn't the one that had an affair. Later at the bank she really looked beat. She didn't have the fake happy face on any more. I think seeing her financial future getting laid out really hit home and she looked hurt by it. Not really my problem now. 

Now I just have to wait to see what her answer is on the phone records and then act accordingly. I'll find out if/who it was eventually anyway. We have too many mutual friends and this town is too small to keep that hidden. I'm not going to spend a single dollar trying to figure out who it is. It won't change the situation and I'll be out some date/fun money. 

I'm not looking forward to the dance of dividing everything up. There's quite a bit to sell that neither of us will want to keep. It'll be fun.


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## allthegoodnamesaregone (Nov 18, 2011)

It's always about "them" when they go through this. I'm so sick of hearing about WAW's and cheaters "needs not being met" when most of us gave up everything we used to be ( spontaneous, carefree, fun guys) to be stand up guys, "Husbands and Dads". I sold all my "Toys" to buy stuff we needed for our home, gave up most of my pastimes to take spend time with the kids, taking them to school, sports, swimming lessons, scouts, guides etc...because that's what you sign up for when you get married and have kids. 

I never ever considered leaving my wife when she gained 40lbs with each pregnancy and spent each of those 9 months and the many months after reassuring her she was still beautiful to me, nor did I even think about cheating because of my needs in the sack had to wait till she was ready for sex again after child birth. But all of that gets written out of the script when they're needs are not met. It has to be a form of mental illness is what I tell myself, what else could explain the total disregard they hold for us, the lying and cheating when they plot their departure....


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## leftout1 (Dec 5, 2011)

yeah, I don't think anyone would accuse me of being perfect, but not once did I ever think about cheating or leaving. She was a good wife for the most part and I even told her a few weeks ago how much I appreciate all she does. I guess nothing that I have ever done counts. She's using the "you're controlling" script as apparently they all do. I'm so glad that there isn't a house or kids involved. I feel for you guys that have those problems on top of this.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

You have a good head on your shoulders LeftOut. 

I like your style. Since you gave the ultimatum on the records, and didn't get any resistance on the suggestion that she had an affair, I suspect you might now get the records with a "so what" admission followed by blame shifting with a light sprinkling of gas-lighting. Add the forecast of her getting her financial needs met. 

Your next marriage update at 10....


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

She did not want to reveal until she got the most out of him money wise. Tell her the deal is off even if she gives you the phone records now. You will find out soon enough. And she won't care once the advantage is lost


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## leftout1 (Dec 5, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> She did not want to reveal until she got the most out of him money wise. Tell her the deal is off even if she gives you the phone records now. You will find out soon enough. And she won't care once the advantage is lost


Actually, although I don't have hard evidence that would hold up in court, I do have enough information to know that there is in fact someone else and I am almost certain of who that person is. I'm sure the newness and excitement make it seem worthwhile to her, but it's going to be expensive. I'm going to get exactly what I want. Period. The sad thing is that the person that I'm thinking of is also married. A relationship built on mutual infidelity is doomed to fail for her and I hope it does. If I do get hard facts, I'll probably try to contact the woman because I don't think she knows what her husband is doing. 

All of this sucks, but it sure makes it easier. F-you mode is much easier than "what did I do wrong" mode. The path is clear and her feelings don't matter to me. I just haven't been able to talk to my lawyer yet. Looking forward to watching her sweat it out at our next lawyer meeting. Also, I was given permission to change the locks on the house. I don't think she knows yet.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

The neighbors? How did you find it out?


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## leftout1 (Dec 5, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> The neighbors? How did you find it out?


No, not the neighbor. Three things brought it together for me. She had been extra chatty on facebook with a friend of a mutual friend of ours. Since the separation, I know of 4 people that have dropped me from facebook. Her, her mother, her best friend, and this guy. The biggest clue was the day after thanksgiving I was sitting at my usual bar. The bartender went over to another bar to do a shot with a friend. While there, she saw my wife with a guy that fits the description. The bartender just told me this the other day. I had specifically asked her last time we talked what she had been doing. She said that she had done nothing but sit at home or go out with her best friend (a female). 

Like I said, I have no hard proof. I can't possibly think of another scenario though. I guess it doesn't matter. I have enough info to hold all the cards in any negotiations. I don't know that she'll ever admit it.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Expose to the other guys wife.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

You have strong enough suspicion to give his wife a call.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Just ask her. Why do you care now?


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