# Wife living with another man 6 months need advice



## honestman1984 (May 26, 2018)

Hello I'm 33 and my wife is 30. We have been married 12 years together 14. We have a 9 year old son together and we were a close happy family. My wife has been my best friend and I hers the whole marriage. We had a rough patch about 5 years ago after her dad died when looked at her phone and seen she was cheating with a guy known seduce alot of married women we sorta worked through it but I was hurt. I cheated also than told her about it. We forgave each other and moved on. I occassionaly have to work out of town. Last September I had to be out of town during the week days for 3 months than towards thanksgiving I got to come home for work. Just after Christmas I had a feeling so I checked her Google location. I seen she had gone to her best friends brothers house after I was asleep. Which at same time that she cheated before i was told she slept with him to which she denies. I didn't say anything the next night she said she was gonna run to Wendy's which is 10 mins away. She returned and hour later no Wendy's and said she got a ticket I looked in her car and was no ticket. I got mad and called her out on it in which she left and went to her mom's. Few days later all seemed to be smoothing over but than she said it was over. Of course I was weak broke down begged her not to. 3 weeks later my 9 year old said she had a new boyfriend it was him. Shortly after he moved in the back apartment with her at my mother in laws...i was determined to win her back so I started working on myself hard I was also working 6 days a week. About a month of and a half of this and very little contact she texts she misses me.. can we got on a date. So we went on a few dates she had him move out but he still went around. Than she invited me to stay at her mom's one night. So I did I never asked why but they broke up and from sounds of it he was bitter. I was very happy but wife still wouldn't kiss or have sex. She let me cuddle with her that was all. Abiut a week later I seen his truck at her house again so we went back to very little communication for maybe another month or 2. We got to where we go on lunch dates (when he's not around) and she sends alot of mixed signals and tells me she knows she won't stay with him. She is just having fun( i am financially better off and a much much better father plus very good to her) even recently I asked her if it was serious for her she said no that's why she doesn't ask anything from him. That I know to be true cause I even have to take thier trash trailer still and he has a truck too.. she has started giving not such a cold hug and even a descent kiss other day. He started living with her again during this time. Even tomorrow were supposed to go on a day date. Although it was originally gonna be an overnight she says we have to take things slow. She repeatedly tells me she didn't leave me for him that she did it for herself. I admit I coulda been better husband and have realized this in my time apart. I don't wanna give up hope. She has also told me to date when I asked her if it was for me to move on or be even. She said even that way we both had fun. When she left me she stated how it's my fault I am too controlling and I did take perks here and just for the fun although never out of control I enjoyed the energy and although she would get them for me sometimes cause she was very loving. Didn't like it and also stated that as a reason. I have not since taken one and woulda stopped had she ever asked.


----------



## honestman1984 (May 26, 2018)

*Re: Wife living with another man*

She also does show some remorse to the situation but won't end this. Although is supposedly working on our marriage. I made alot of $ during this time and have spent most of it spoiling her and paying all her bills still. Which I know I shouldn't.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I'm sorry man but when your wife is living with another man and tells you to date, I think you have to face the facts that it's over. Their is just no way to fix this. I wish I could tell you their was but honestly when you get over your shock and trauma you are not going to want someone who could treat you so poorly.

Not sure who cheated first as it's unclear but when you cheat you really do grave damage to the foundation of your marriage this is the end result a lot of times. 

The best thing I can tell you is that you will find happiness and joy again but it is very unlikely it will be with this women. The best way to do this is to get strong file for divorce and start moving on with your life. The sooner you move on the sooner you will heal and the quicker you can find someone else after you do. 

Learn a lesson from this. Don't cheat.


----------



## Townes (Jan 31, 2018)

honestman1984...buddy. What are you doing?


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She's using you. You need to move on.


----------



## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

Dude let me get this straight, she is cheating on her boyfriend with you the husban? You're sneaking around with you're wife getting scraps, just sympathy dates.

Woe she even lets you pay for her bills too, she sounds like a peach!

Seriously you have to love yourself and be a man.
Do not play the pick me dance, stop talking to her like yesterday.

S1

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Dude...I know you love her and she is the mother of your child....but read the title of your post.
What advice can anyone give to a person telling us that his wife lives with another man???
She's totally stringing you (and him) along.

File divorce papers, and then go find yourself a woman that only wants you.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

honestman1984 its time to realize that you are married to someone who has no respect for your marriage, nor you, do not play pick me game...time to put on your big boy pants and move one, get some dignity....you know you can do better.,


----------



## honestman1984 (May 26, 2018)

Sokillme The time years ago she cheated. I was very upset from it at the time. Although i boiled it down to her being upset from dad dying a year before. Me her and her friend were drinking one night. She went to bed. And me and the friend were discussing it as she had also messed with the guy. Mistakes happened and I confessed to it 2 days later as I felt so bad. She said she figured I would and wasn't mad at all. Now that I think about it is strange.


----------



## honestman1984 (May 26, 2018)

I know you guys are right and its very very tough to reach that point because she was a very good wife to me. I have recently read A book called a woman's infidelity living in limbo and this insight on a cheating woman's mind is probably the most insightful thing into a cheating woman's mind thier addicted to it


----------



## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Good Lord! 

1. Lawyer up now and file. This is one of the worst stories I have heard.

2. No more PICK ME, PICK ME, PICK ME DANCE! That is pathetic and never wins a woman back and makes you look so weak! *NO MORE*.

3. Go NO CONTACT *NOW*! 

4. Stop paying her to cheat! *NOW!*

5. Cancel her credit cards. *NOW.*

6. Take her off your insurance. _*NOW!*_

7. Get your balls out of hock and NUKE her. *NOW!*

Better to live alone and sad than to take this kind of crap from anyone! Women respect Strength, Courage, and Decisiveness. So far you have shown none of these.


----------



## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Yah bud, nothing good coming here. She is playing you like a violin. Focus on yourself and your son. Let her do crazy, you do you. All this drama is not good for the child at all.


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

honestman1984 said:


> Although i boiled it down to her being upset from dad dying a year before.


At some point probably the majority of folks have a parent die. You happen to think you married one that has to go screw other guys when that happens. On her next "go-round" was it due to another relative that kicked the bucket? I've got to give you an A+ in rationalizing.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So you are “spoiling her” while she is living with and having sex with another man. She gives you day dates and cuddles but no kidding and no sex.

Why you are enabling your own wife to sleep with another man, I have no idea. It’s astounding, actually.

Talk about rewarding bad behavior—- this takes the prize.

Honestly— once a woman loses her feelings for her man and starts having sex and falling in love with another guy, the love she had for her guy never comes back. It’s history.

You should have long since filed and let her face the consequences of her actions. Why you’d even want to be with her after you know she ya with anotger guy, I have no idea.


----------



## President_Not_Sure (Feb 28, 2018)

A bit hard to follow your stream-of-consciousness post but I think I sort of follow. Let me list this out and correct me if I am wrong.

1. She cheated on you while you were on the road working.
2. You cheated on her to "get even". Or was it the other way around?
3. She started cheating on you again with the same guy. Likely she never stopped but you were gone for work or she hid it better.
4. You confronted her about her whereabouts after seeing that her story didnt line up with her Google Maps history.
5. You got "mad". Enough so she felt the need to leave the house. Gotta say that sounds very much like "mad" equals verbal and/or physical abuse on your part. I hope its just poor wording on your part for everyone's sake.
6. You abuse Percocet. I don't care if its every once in a while or you swallow 20 a day. It's still abuse if you aren't prescribed the medication for a legitimate medical need.***
7. She moved out and soon after had her affair partner living with her. The entire time you are paying her bills and kissing her ass like a groveling servant.
8. Even through all of that you still think it's a good idea to try to win her back. 

Is all of that accurate? You will no doubt disagree with #6 so please see my note at the bottom of this post.

Look man, I hate to have to tell you this but your marriage is over. You are simply the bank at this point. She is stringing you along just enough to keep the money flowing. How much of that money has gone to date nights between her and her new/old affair partner? For gifts for him? You like buying him gifts and paying for their dates? You're probably buying their condoms and lube as well. You dry up the money chain and those dates you go on where she wont even kiss you, her husband, will end just as fast. 

You need to wake up. You need to see this situation for what it is and you need to act quickly. The marriage is dead. It died when you both cheated years ago. I suspect she hung around for monetary reasons. She got the courage to move out. That means she was walking away from everything including the money. To her pleasant surprise you're continuing to pay for her life. You're effectively paying for her to screw her new lover. It's your money but I am betting you could find much better uses for it in your life than financing your wife's affair. 

Get sober. No more percocet, oxycontin, lortab, norco, vicodin, dilaudid, morphine, heroin, fentanyl or whatever else you're doing. Do that for your own health and safety. Do that for your child. Dont end up as another overdose victim. A dead father isnt teaching his child much. 

Get a lawyer and file for divorce. End this nightmare scenario so you can move on in life. Fight for full custody of your child. She shouldn't have her lover(s) around your kid. That your kid knows who this guy is seems to indicate he has been around your kid. Do you and your wife know he isn't a closet pedophile who wont end up abusing your kid? She will say he isnt if you ask but how does she really know? You going to just take her word for it? You need to come to an agreement now, before the money train is derailed for her, that she isnt to have her lovers around the kid. Same goes for you. This is about protecting your kid. Nothing more. Nothing less. A decent mom will see that and agree. 

*** On a personal note, thanks for making my life harder by abusing percocet. See, I am damaged. I have medical problems that have not been rectified with surgeries. I am left with no option other than medication to help ease my pain to tolerable levels. I will never be pain free again. I havent been pain free for 22 years now. For these meds to end up on the street one of three primary things has to happen. 

The first is that the pharmacy gets robbed and all the narcotics in stock are stolen. 

The second is a doctor who runs a "pill mill" and prescribes way more percocet, lortab, norco, morphine, oxycontin, hydroporphone, oxymorphine, fentanyl or whatever. Thise prescriptions are filled and the drugs get sold to eager customers who want to get high. 

The third is the actor patient who has studied how to accurately fake moderate to severe pain and the doctor writes what he/she believes to be a legitimate prescription. Those pills sometime get sold but generally are kept for personal use or to share with friends. 

What that means is that the limited supply of these medications end up NOT going to the patuents with legitimate medical needs. That makes my and every other chronic pain patient's life hell. I have my regular pharmacy and they know my medical history. Sometimes, as it is a national chain pharmacy, they swap pharmacists around. Each time that happens I get interrogated about my medical condition. I have to give a convincing argument that my prescriptions are real. I get looked at and treated like a junkie. That's at a pharmacy where they have my history. Heaven help when they don't have enough medicine to fill my prescription. When that happens, usually due to having been robbed or someone coming in to get a not medically necessary prescription filled, then I, and thousands of other people in my shoes, have to drive from pharmacy to pharmacy almost begging them to fill my prescription. My worst experience with that scenario took me to 37 pharmacies before the pharmcist a) was willing to believe me after i showed him the half dozen scars down my spine that my prescription was medically necessary and b) the pharmacy had the medication in stock. 

See, you pop some pills to get a buzz. Each one of those pills was needed by a person with real medical needs. You took those pills away from those people. Think about how many people, just in your little slice of the world, that will spend their days in pain because the pharmacy didn't have enough medicine to fill the prescription or their prescription was stolen from them or twice a year when the FDA dries up the supply in an effort to fight opiod abuse, while also punishing law-abiding citizens with legitimate medical needs for these meds. You may not give a rosy red rat's ass that your actions hurt people all over the country, the world. I hope your high is awesome. At least then the damage done to the rest of us isn't for nothing 

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


----------



## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

Okay. So....NO. just NO. She left you. This story makes no sense. Reread what you wrote. Together as best friends and lovers since she was 16. Cheated on each other. She lives with another guy. You pay her bills and I assume raise your 9 year old whom she cared for while you made a fortune on the road so that you can now stay home and support everyone?


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

She’s gone.

Cut her loose, stop paying her bills, get a good divorce attorney, and file for divorce.


----------



## honestman1984 (May 26, 2018)

I am sorry for your pain and my using them cause they made me feel good. I did stop using them and will not as they are no good and I became to want them after being prescribed them. But agree with you actually wish I woulda stopped along time ago. Listen I described all the bad in my marriage which were talking maybe a year out of 14 so just file for divorce and drop her is easier said than done. But I also know all of you are right. It's just reaching that point is hard. I as most men need attraction and my wife is gorgeous. Me I'm skinny have bad acne scarring so it's hard to see me finding a woman I will once again be attracted too.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

honestman1984 said:


> I am sorry for your pain and my using them cause they made me feel good. I did stop using them and will not as they are no good and I became to want them after being prescribed them. But agree with you actually wish I woulda stopped along time ago. Listen I described all the bad in my marriage which were talking maybe a year out of 14 so just file for divorce and drop her is easier said than done. But I also know all of you are right. It's just reaching that point is hard. I as most men need attraction and my wife is gorgeous. Me I'm skinny have bad acne scarring so it's hard to see me finding a woman I will once again be attracted too.



Ummm... no, you’re wrong. A man with a steady job and that isn’t a total a-hole is apparently hard to find. You are chasing your cheating wife because you want to afraid to look for a woman again n.

You found her. You can replace her. She’s awful. It won’t be nearly as hard as you think.
I can tell you this from experience.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

honestman1984 said:


> I am sorry for your pain and my using them cause they made me feel good. I did stop using them and will not as they are no good and I became to want them after being prescribed them. But agree with you actually wish I woulda stopped along time ago. Listen I described all the bad in my marriage which were talking maybe a year out of 14 so just file for divorce and drop her is easier said than done. But I also know all of you are right. *It's just reaching that point is hard.* I as most men need attraction and my wife is gorgeous. Me I'm skinny have bad acne scarring so it's hard to see me finding a woman I will once again be attracted too.


The reason it's hard reading that point is that you keep going back basically begging her to pick you. Stop it. You need to end all contact with her except for any contact that is needed for your son.

Look at my signature block below and click on the "180". Read it. That's how you need to interact with her from here on out. You need to do it to protect yourself emotionally and to help yourself fall out of love with her. Once you fall out of love, you will wonder why you ever wanted back with her after all this that she is doing.

As for your looks, women are generally more concerned about a man's character than his looks. Sure women like good looking guys.. but a good looking guy how not a good person becomes ugly. And not so perfect looking guys become very attractive in our eyes when they are treat us right.

Please start using the 180 and stop dating your wife while she's cheating on you. Good Lord.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

honestman1984 said:


> I am sorry for your pain and my using them cause they made me feel good. I did stop using them and will not as they are no good and I became to want them after being prescribed them. But agree with you actually wish I woulda stopped along time ago. Listen I described all the bad in my marriage which were talking maybe a year out of 14 so just file for divorce and drop her is easier said than done. But I also know all of you are right. It's just reaching that point is hard. I as most men need attraction and my wife is gorgeous. Me I'm skinny have bad acne scarring so it's hard to see me finding a woman I will once again be attracted too.


Blah blah blah blah blah

Either a) file for divorce or b) continue to finance her lifestyle while living in hellish limbo.

Those are your choices.


----------



## honestman1984 (May 26, 2018)

.


----------



## honestman1984 (May 26, 2018)

Ty ele girl that helped alot. And everyone who takes the time to help me cause this was needed I've secluded myself to my thoughts far to long and in doing so became needy in moments of weakness. The spoiling needs to stop as well as her free lunches and anything I don't have to pay for. How do I stop paying the bills though insurance phone... etc when they are all tied to my own bills until all contracts end.


----------



## honestman1984 (May 26, 2018)

Also to reply to President_not_sure the I cheated after but that was the first time she cheated and I knew that my "getting back ' was wrong thus why I told her immediately.. and second I got "mad" doesn't mean I physically or emotionally abused her. Means I was actually able to call her on her lies and not just giving in to what she wanted me to believe. I may being weak in all of this but I'm a man who is believes I should provide. That means provide protection security and happiness. I've never and will never do those things.


----------



## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

It’s simple, call up each company, and simply say you want her insurance removed from your account, her phone removed from your account, etc.

Should take about an hour or two. That’s it.

Do it first thing tomorrow

I know this is an easy, but you also know you need to do it


----------



## DjDjani (Feb 10, 2018)

Listen, You need to be a man in this situation. Cut all finance, stop speaking to her, ad file for divorce. Two things might happen: 1. She sees a reality of her affair, dumps the guy and comes crawling to you begging for forgiveness. Or 2. She goes with divorce and stays with that guy. Eather way you win, because you will know where do you stand. OMG man, do you hear what you ate saying? Your wife is sleeping with another man and you ask her on a date and trying to kiss her if she would allow it? Are you serious right now? Really? Are you mad? Do you not see what are you doing? What will your son think? What example are you giving him, that is OK for woman to degrade him in a most wile manner!!!! Anyday now she can call you to stand beside her and watch her have sex with another guy and tell you to wipe her when he finishes in her!!! You are that weak!!!! Wake up man!!!!! What are you doing for God sake??!!


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Lose her like the veritable plague that she is!

Get with a competent family attorney and file for divorce ASAP! I really cannot help but believe that she's been stringing you along your whole married life! *


----------



## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

In my opinion, your behavior is prolonging her affair. You are making it easier for her to cheat.

Plus, in my opinion, women generally do not like weak men. I think people in general like other people who have a backbone and stand up for what they believe. Your catering to her makes you look needy and weak.

If she were ugly, instead of "gorgeous," would you still put up with it? Or even want to stay in the marriage after all this? Because it seems she is ugly on the inside.

Let's assume (1) you detach from her (via the "180"), and (2) she comes back to you. Then what? Won't she just cheat again the next time you have to travel for work?

Despite what many other values she may have (gorgeous, caring, good mother, sexual dynamo, makes great pancakes, great dancer, above average singer, intelligent, witty, etc., etc., etc.), her unfaithfulness makes her a terrible wife. It's like telling me you have this "gorgeous" car, it's sporty, sexy, fully loaded, BUT it has an engine under the hood that doesn't run. You'd be better off with a less "gorgeous" car on the outside that actually has a good engine on the inside and actually runs.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

honestman1984 said:


> Sokillme The time years ago she cheated. I was very upset from it at the time. Although i boiled it down to her being upset from dad dying a year before. Me her and her friend were drinking one night. She went to bed. And me and the friend were discussing it as she had also messed with the guy. Mistakes happened and I confessed to it 2 days later as I felt so bad. She said she figured I would and wasn't mad at all. Now that I think about it is strange.


OK I think very clearly from your posts that cheating is an fundamental part of your wife's nature. It's who she is man. She is not going to change and she doesn't want to. Everyone in the world assuming they live long enough has their parents die. Healthy individuals don't cheat because of it. You need to wake up to the fact that that is not the reason it just allowed her to give herself cover. Sounds like your cheating was a bad reaction to that, not right but not the same. Your wife is an ******* who should not be married to anyone. 

There will be no happiness or "ever after" with this women because she is a time sink and a relationship that is destined to cause you pain. There is no hope with this person. 

HOWEVER, there is plenty of reason to have hope for yourself but you HAVE TO move on. You wife is like an emotional cancer you have to cut it out so you can heal and move forward. First off you need to do some real searching to figure out why allowing yourself to be treated this way is acceptable. It's not emotionally healthy for you or your kids. Read "Codependent No More". Maybe get some counseling. 

As far as your kid goes if she abandoned him to move in with another guy why not try to get custody especially if you are the primary caretaker.

It's time to give up hope with this women. Some times you lose the battle to win the war. There are plenty of good women out there for you to meet and have great healthy relationships with but to do that you need to become the type of person who knows his wealth and projects strength. Time to have courage to move on, strength to work on your issues and finally have hope that there is another person out there who will not treat you so awful.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

honestman1984 said:


> Sokillme The time years ago she cheated. I was very upset from it at the time. Although i boiled it down to her being upset from dad dying a year before. Me her and her friend were drinking one night. She went to bed. And me and the friend were discussing it as she had also messed with the guy. Mistakes happened and I confessed to it 2 days later as I felt so bad. She said she figured I would and wasn't mad at all. Now that I think about it is strange.


Her cheating because of her dad dying is BS. Your marriage is NOT what you think -- you have an image of your wife that is NOT real. She is showing you who she is -- a serial cheater who has no respect for YOU or your marriage. She is using you for an ATM -- YOU have to take her and her POSOM garbage to the dump? WHAT?? She has HIM around your kid? WHAT? You need to start the D proceedings, and start doing a 180 here for your own sanity. YOU need to focus on you and your son and get this toxic person out of your life. She is NOT a "great mom, a great wife, a good person"..... You are in the fog at the moment and you need to REALLY see what she is doing here.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

honestman1984, She has you to pay the bills and all she has to do is throw you a date night on occasion or tell you she is just having fun. On the other hand she is living with another guy. What is she getting from him? Not bill paying - she has you for that. So it must be something else that keeps her with him. You figure it out.

Why should she tell you the truth about anything if you just continue to finance her life style without question?

You are being used as the Bank of honestman1984 while she lives a life she wants without regard to you. As a matter of fact, you are probably financing all their fun together.

Your wife may be physically beautiful, but she is morally repugnant and selfish. She has zero respect for you or the marriage. I don't see this changing no matter what you do. Especially when all you do is beg.

Wake up. It is time for you to get out of this fake marriage. Why put yourself through this hell?

Quit blaming yourself for this. Cheating is all on her.


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

honestman1984 said:


> Hello I'm 33 and my wife is 30. We have been married 12 years together 14. We have a 9 year old son together and we were a close happy family. My wife has been my best friend and I hers the whole marriage. We had a rough patch about 5 years ago after her dad died when looked at her phone and seen she was cheating with a guy known seduce alot of married women we sorta worked through it but I was hurt. I cheated also than told her about it. We forgave each other and moved on. I occassionaly have to work out of town. Last September I had to be out of town during the week days for 3 months than towards thanksgiving I got to come home for work. Just after Christmas I had a feeling so I checked her Google location. I seen she had gone to her best friends brothers house after I was asleep. Which at same time that she cheated before i was told she slept with him to which she denies. I didn't say anything the next night she said she was gonna run to Wendy's which is 10 mins away. She returned and hour later no Wendy's and said she got a ticket I looked in her car and was no ticket. I got mad and called her out on it in which she left and went to her mom's. Few days later all seemed to be smoothing over but than she said it was over. Of course I was weak broke down begged her not to. 3 weeks later my 9 year old said she had a new boyfriend it was him. Shortly after he moved in the back apartment with her at my mother in laws...i was determined to win her back so I started working on myself hard I was also working 6 days a week. About a month of and a half of this and very little contact she texts she misses me.. can we got on a date. So we went on a few dates she had him move out but he still went around. Than she invited me to stay at her mom's one night. So I did I never asked why but they broke up and from sounds of it he was bitter. I was very happy but wife still wouldn't kiss or have sex. She let me cuddle with her that was all. Abiut a week later I seen his truck at her house again so we went back to very little communication for maybe another month or 2. We got to where we go on lunch dates (when he's not around) and she sends alot of mixed signals and tells me she knows she won't stay with him. She is just having fun( i am financially better off and a much much better father plus very good to her) even recently I asked her if it was serious for her she said no that's why she doesn't ask anything from him. That I know to be true cause I even have to take thier trash trailer still and he has a truck too.. she has started giving not such a cold hug and even a descent kiss other day. He started living with her again during this time. Even tomorrow were supposed to go on a day date. Although it was originally gonna be an overnight she says we have to take things slow. She repeatedly tells me she didn't leave me for him that she did it for herself. I admit I coulda been better husband and have realized this in my time apart. I don't wanna give up hope. She has also told me to date when I asked her if it was for me to move on or be even. She said even that way we both had fun. When she left me she stated how it's my fault I am too controlling and I did take perks here and just for the fun although never out of control I enjoyed the energy and although she would get them for me sometimes cause she was very loving. Didn't like it and also stated that as a reason. I have not since taken one and woulda stopped had she ever asked.


honestman1984 it's time to recalculate the cost of dignity

listen to the people here

55


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Never love someone more than you love yourself. When you do that you give them your power and you're asking to get your heart broken. 

You could waste your life obsessing about her. Don't. Move on.


----------



## President_Not_Sure (Feb 28, 2018)

honestman1984 said:


> I am sorry for your pain and my using them cause they made me feel good. I did stop using them and will not as they are no good and I became to want them after being prescribed them. But agree with you actually wish I woulda stopped along time ago. Listen I described all the bad in my marriage which were talking maybe a year out of 14 so just file for divorce and drop her is easier said than done. But I also know all of you are right. It's just reaching that point is hard. I as most men need attraction and my wife is gorgeous. Me I'm skinny have bad acne scarring so it's hard to see me finding a woman I will once again be attracted too.


I appreciate the apology. I wasn't looking for an apology in sharing my thoughts with you. I wanted you to see the big picture of how your actions affect others. Now I want you to apply that same logic to both you and her actions in the marriage at this point.

You see her as gorgeous right now. Trust me brother. Once you take the love goggles off (very similar to beer goggles) you will see her as ugly. The ugly on the inside can be seen on the outside when we aren't blinded by love.

Okay. You dont beat on her. Good. You still have principles and integrity on some level. Brother you HAVE to step up now. 

You're number one responsibility is your kid's welfare. Keep that at the forefront of your mind. Kids are resilient. Do NOT talk crap about her in front of the kid. She is still mommy, for better or worse.

You likely are going to be on the hook for a lot of financial responsibility due to not separating finances the day she moved out. Lesson learned. 

You have to separate now. Separate as much as possible. Move at least half of your checking and savings into an account she cant touch. That can be done from your couch with most banks. 

You've been told how to separate the rest of the bills. Understand that you cant do this over days. The moment you start this process you have to move quickly and completely. Do the bank stuff first. 

Once she sees what you are doing she is going to go ballistic on you. She will see her free ride is over. She may come crawling back. If she does she needs to earn her way back. Read posts on reconciliation here to get an idea what she needs to do. Do NOT let her back in until you educate yourself. I highly recommend not letting her back in at all. 

The marriage is dead. Bury it. Bury her, figuratively speaking, in the divorce. Your days of being her loving, compassionate, protective husband are over. You two had a contract and said solemn vows. She broke that contract and those vows initially and when it didn't end things she knew she could continue cheating. 

Divorce isnt easy. It's painful. Using the 180 method is the best path for getting through this without breaking down. You have to protect your kid AND yourself. Period. 

This is about to turn into a full blown war and she already has the high ground. Get a lawyer as quickly as possible. Instruct the lawyer that you want to show no mercy. Full on scorched earth. Get pissed. You should be pissed. Follow everything you are told to do by your lawyer. Do not deviate. Go for full custody of your kid. Read other posts on this forum. You will find a ton of advise on how to interact with her moving forward. 

Lastly, I personally felt I would never find another woman. I ended up with a beautiful woman who has given me two amazing children. She is tall and slender, which I like. I was a bit too overweight when we met, bad skin and a host of health problems. She still fell for me and agreed to marry me.

Women, in my experience, look at divorced men in one of two lights. They are either skeptical of you and assume the wife left/cheated because of something you did. The other frame of thought is that you poor baby. She did you so wrong. The women who take the latter attitude are, in my experience, the ones that will share your values when it comes to fidelity in a relationship. I mean, if the woman thinks your STBEW cheated because of something that you did then she is of the mindset that cheating is normal behavior when unhappy in a relationship. You are a long way out from dating as a divorcee but don't worry about never finding another woman. In fact, I think you will be more particular in your choices as you move forward. You're finding out in the hardest way possible that pretty on the outside doesn't mean pretty on the inside. 

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

honestman1984 said:


> I am sorry for your pain and my using them cause they made me feel good. I did stop using them and will not as they are no good and I became to want them after being prescribed them. But agree with you actually wish I woulda stopped along time ago. Listen I described all the bad in my marriage which were talking maybe a year out of 14 so just file for divorce and drop her is easier said than done. But I also know all of you are right. It's just reaching that point is hard. I as most men need attraction and my wife is gorgeous. Me I'm skinny have bad acne scarring so it's hard to see me finding a woman I will once again be attracted too.



This explains why you are willing to put up with being treated like this. You don't believe you could find another woman who you would be attracted to. But that's not true. 

You don't have to be skinny. Start working out 3-5 days per week. You can do it at home. I workout at home and it keeps me in good shape. You would need a little space for weights or a machine, but you don't need to go to the gym. The reason I recommend working out at home is because you are already working a lot and probably don't have a lot of time. Working out at home saves me a ton of time as compared to going to the gym.

Acne scaring won't keep you from finding an attractive woman if you have a good attitude and are looking for a positive relationship. There are many women looking for a good man. You have to have the ability to connect with women. That can be learned.

The way you are doing things now, you are not going to get your wife back and even in the very remote possibility that you did, she would not be faithful to you. The only way that you could MAYBE (big maybe) get her back and she would be faithful is to set some very serious boundaries. You have to be willing to lose her (which you already have anyway) if you have any hope of getting her back. You have to show confidence and not put up with being mistreated while also being attractive.

1. Do the 180. https://affaircare.com/the-180/

2. File for divorce and have her served.

3. Tell her if she ever wants you back she's going to have to prove herself to you. This is very important, because you are turning the tables on her and making her work for a relationship with you. She may not seem to want you, but if she ever will want you back this is imperative that there is a sense that you are a catch and will not be mistreated. It's a key principle in this.

4. Get ripped. Either join a gym or start working out at home. Change your diet to mostly Paleo with a ton of vegetables daily. Cut out grains and refined sugar.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

honestman1984 said:


> Also to reply to President_not_sure the I cheated after but that was the first time she cheated and I knew that my "getting back ' was wrong thus why I told her immediately.. and second I got "mad" doesn't mean I physically or emotionally abused her. Means I was actually able to call her on her lies and not just giving in to what she wanted me to believe. I may being weak in all of this but I'm a man who is believes I should provide. That means provide protection security and happiness. I've never and will never do those things.


Cheating is physically and emotionally abusive.

If you follow my previous advice and she makes a turn around, you will have to work through all of the issues and not rug sweep anything.

There is nothing wrong with believing you should provide for your family, but your wife has left you. She has taken herself out of the position of wife and is only your wife by law now. You are not obligated to provide for someone who has left you. Furthermore, you are also supporting the OM man when she moves him in. You are literally taking care of the OM and making it super easy for him to screw your wife whenever he wants. You are helping your wife to have a relationship with another man. Cut this out. It is ridiculous.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

My father died in January of this year. Falling into the arms of a man other than my husband never occurred to me as a way to deal with my sadness. You are making excuses for your wife's abhorrent behavior. She should have been seeking the comfort of your arms not that of another man. Yes, she was upset, but her response shows what kind of person she is. A cheater and a liar.

It wasn't right for you to have a revenge affair, but her response to you doing so was dumb. The two of you have been acting like children rather than working through things like adults are supposed to to.

Were you attracted to the woman that you had the revenge affair with?


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I have to say that every time I see a betrayed spouse trying to "win" the wayward spouse back, I want to ask them what are they expecting to "win"? 

Not a return to a happy faithful marriage. That is gone forever and will not be coming back.

Not a loving wife. That too is impossible while the wife is deep in an affair.

Not respect from a cheating wife. All the begging just make him seem weak to her and she has zero respect for that.

So what are you trying to "win" - an unfaithful wife who has now cheated on you with two other men (that you know of) who does not respect you or love you. A marriage where you will be constantly on guard looking for her next affair.

Considering what you have to gain by "winning" her back, you should not even have a dog in that fight. 

If you love her, then let her go. Let her live the life she wants. Without you in her life (other than kid related) and without you financing her cheating lifestyle.

You will be much happier without all the drama, lies, and disrespect she brings to the relationship.


----------



## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

honestman1984 said:


> "SNIPPED"
> Me her and her friend were drinking one night. She went to bed. And me and the friend were discussing it as she had also messed with the guy. Mistakes happened and I confessed to it 2 days later as I felt so bad. She said she figured I would and wasn't mad at all. Now that I think about it is strange.


You confessed to cheating two days later, and she wasn't mad, Hmmm gee I wonder what that means! 

Sounds like she's been having her type of fun for something now. Concentrate on yourself and kids, get healthy m9nd body and soul.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I see someone fixed my previous post where I stupidly got the names mixed up.
Thank you EleGirl.


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Kurtis said:


> I as most men need attraction and my wife is gorgeous. Me I'm skinny have bad acne scarring so it's hard to see me finding a woman I will once again be attracted too.


Dawg, I've seen some some foolish guys in my time but you take the cake. You need to get your head out of your azz and smell the coffee. You ain't a husband, or a boyfriend. You're a groupie my man; fawning over her and paying her bills with nothing to show for it but cancelled checks and credit card receipts. Its good to be the boyfriend in this case. He's getting the poon tang and youre paying the freight. The money you're paying out is adding quality to the time they spend together. I hate to break it to you Kurtis, but all this tell me is, by your own admission, she won't sleep with you even when you pay her.

Here's my recommendations. First, accept the chick no longer has a romantic interest in you. If she did, she wouldn't have banged the first guy. She may or may not be gorgeous, but you being attracted to her does not mean she feels the same for you and obviously she doesn't. 
Second, instead of complaining about your deep scares, and spending money on a woman that don't give a rats azz about you, spend the money on cosmetic surgery to correct the problem. That way you'll have something to show for the money you spent.
Third, get yourself to a gym for some serious body building and get past the 97 pound weakling image. With the weights and a routine of protein shakes and goodies, you'll be surprised how fast you can put on muscle mass. I know what you're thinking. Youre thinking, "what am I going for female companionship". Do what you're doing now. Without.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

honestman1984 said:


> Although i boiled it down to her being upset from dad dying a year before.



Guess what? My dad, mom, 2 of my sons, 2 of my wives have all died. It didn't even cross my mind that "I'm so upset....I need a piece of strange...".... this is facocta....

There are three reasons people commit adultery:

1) they want to
2) they have no respect for their spouse
3) they have no respect for God



honestman1984 said:


> I confessed to it 2 days later as I felt so bad. She said she figured I would and wasn't mad at all. Now that I think about it is strange.


Adulterers WANT their betrayed to cheat on them. It makes them "feel better".... because, if their BS cheats too, they can use a convoluted self-forgiveness and pronounce themselves "half-guilty". This is not going to be valid before the Almighty, the Righteous Judge, who will bring all men before Him and expose their deeds for what they really are.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Your wife is a nice looking porcelain toilet 🚽 that is so full of **** 💩 that she will never function properly again.

File for divorce on the grounds of abandonment and adultery.

Get your legal evidence and ducks in a row first.

Do not let her know what you are doing until she is served.

Follow @CynthiaDe 's advice and get ripped while working to improve yourself and confidence.


----------



## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

honestman1984 said:


> So we went on a few dates she had him move out but he still went around. Than she invited me to stay at her mom's one night. So I did I never asked why but they broke up and from sounds of it he was bitter. I was very happy but wife still wouldn't kiss or have sex. She let me cuddle with her that was all. d.


Bro my fríend I don't mean to be rude, but you call her a wife after that and all she is doing in your face?? That ain't no marriage, that's a total insult to you.... File for D immediately and implement the 180 asap!!! 

Sent from my BTV-W09 using Tapatalk


----------



## honestman1984 (May 26, 2018)

You are all right. I guess I thought if It was honorable to do the things I was because I do believe in my vows. I was supposed to go out with her today. But instead I started respecting myself and told her no I am sick of this and I deserve love respect and affection. I have a big heart and so hard to stoop to her level and be the ******* but I am damn sure going to demand respect. I do from anyone else she should be no different. Thank you all I see now I was being a fool not the I can fix this guy.


----------



## honestman1984 (May 26, 2018)

Honestly this forum helped me alot. She responded to me saying no to going out with. Do not ever ask me to go anywhere again cause the answer will he no. But I read this thread again and it gave me resolve


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

I hope you've fully awakened to being played. You can't fix the past but you can move forward now.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

honestman1984 said:


> Honestly this forum helped me alot. She responded to me saying no to going out with. Do not ever ask me to go anywhere again cause the answer will he no. But I read this thread again and it gave me resolve


Cake eaters get mad when you quit feeding them. You need a hard no contact in place now.

You need actions. Not words


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Read up this will help you like it has others

https://archive.org/details/RobertGloverNoMoreMrNiceGuy


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

honestman1984 said:


> I guess I thought if It was honorable to do the things I was because I do believe in my vows.


And, you are correct. It is honorable to make every possible effort, including going "the extra mile", to make our marriages work. That is what our vows are all about. Honorable men and women believe those vows, and do their very best to uphold them. And, when both partners uphold those vows, the marriage succeeds, works, and brings joy and benefit to both spouses.

It is your wife who has dishonored her vows, her marriage, and her husband. Not you. And, the time will come, when she will recognize that she has dishonored the man she now lives with, as well as her family.

When a spouse takes on a live-in partner other than the spouse he/she married ? There is NOTHING FURTHER. Nothing further can be done, no matter how noble, no matter how honorable, no matter how just, no matter how sacrificial the betrayed spouse is.

Adultery, when it begins, breaks the marital covenant. It is noble and honorable for one spouse to continue to uphold his/her vows, and it is dishonorable for the wayward spouse to engage in this behavior. It is sometimes possible, when the wayward spouse is sufficiently contrite, to re-establish the honoring of vows between the couple. Sometimes, it isn't.

Unfortunately, in your case, your wife has no contrition at all.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Marc878 said:


> Cake eaters


Haven't heard this terminology in a long time ... it's quite accurate in the OP's wife's case....


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

honestman1984 said:


> You are all right. I guess I thought if It was honorable to do the things I was because I do believe in my vows. I was supposed to go out with her today. But instead I started respecting myself and told her no I am sick of this and I deserve love respect and affection. I have a big heart and so hard to stoop to her level and be the ******* but I am damn sure going to demand respect. I do from anyone else she should be no different. Thank you all I see now I was being a fool not the I can fix this guy.


You are not being an ass by having appropriate boundaries and refusing to be used and mistreated. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It's called self respect, which is a good thing. 

If you take my previous advice of doing the 180 https://affaircare.com/the-180/, filing for divorce and having her served, and getting ripped and healthy, you will be a happier man.

Do not give her a heads up on anything that you are doing. Get an attorney and get your parental rights taken care of immediately. Stop paying her anything. Take care of your child, so check with an attorney about child support and make sure you are not behind in that at all.

Women are not all about whether a man has smooth skin or not. If they are, you don't want a woman who's all about outward appearance anyway. If you are fit and healthy and have a good attitude, you should not have trouble finding a woman who will value you and not cheat on you.

I think you are way too concerned about your appearance because it bothers you. Kids who have acne are embarrassed. That embarrassment can last a long, long time, especially when it leaves scars. But if you learn how to speak to women confidently you can overcome that. I'm not talking being arrogant or c0cky. I'm talking about being comfortable in your own skin, being interested in getting to know people, and learning how to approach women in a healthy manner.

Right now, however, start with the 3 things I listed and begin to work on your confidence.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Your a damn fool. No one is worth being treated like this. What an example you are showing your kid. Here is how daddy acts like a whipped dog so you know how to do it one day.


----------



## joyousone75 (Oct 14, 2016)

I don’t know why you would even entertain the thought of taking her back. She has completely disrespected you. She has moved in with this man twice and set up house. Don’t be a doormat! You deserve someone who loves you. I feel like she is treating you like a “back-up” in case she isn’t happy with him. If you aren’t her first and only choice, move on!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

honestman1984 said:


> Sokillme The time years ago she cheated. I was very upset from it at the time. *Although i boiled it down to her being upset from dad dying a year before.*


OP that is the biggest load of BS. I've seen the death of a parent used as an excuse for an affair several times here on TAM lately and it blows my mind.

My darling dad died 6 years ago, it NEVER, not a single time, occurred to me to go have an affair. If anything I became very clingy to my husband for a few days. 

Your post about your acne, and not believing you'll find a woman who will love you broke my heart. We are all worthy of love, and there IS a woman out there who will see past your imperfections - which we all have by the way, so don't feel special there - and love you for who you are. You should never stay with someone for that reason.

Be the man your son believes you are.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

First thing, google serial cheater. Your wife is broken and she can’t be fixed. It no doubt has something to do with the way she was raised. After all she’s married and her mother lets her bring a boyfriend home to live?

Get a lawyer and see about keeping your son away from him. She moved out, take her stuff to her and change the locks on the doors. She is going to get mean.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Most bring up the vows thing as an excuse to do nothing. In essence they just keep themselves bound up in the infidelity because of their inability to make a decision


----------



## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

honestman1984, paying for your W's living expenses is like doing all of your child's school homework. It gets the kids good grades but the kid doesn't learn much and in the end you aren't doing the kid a favor in the long run. People need to learn how to do things on their own or they do not grow. You doing for them usually makes the other person less capable of progressing and leads to them being less responsible.

Some people you give money to eventually make up reasons why they deserved the money because they mostly want to bring you down in their mind so they don't feel so bad. With some people, giving people money or paying their bills actually creates resentments they turn into reasons for them to distance them-self from you. Most good relationships are balanced with give and take. In poor relationships there is usually a giver and a taker and the taker rarely respects the giver but the taker is usually good at asking for more until something doesn't go right. Then some takers make the problems to look like you art the problem.

A good way to dive someone away from you is to give and give without allowing the other person to give back to you.


----------



## Mstanton (Feb 8, 2011)

Paragraphs people... use paragraphs...


----------

