# Still confused



## blukitten (Apr 29, 2014)

Hello everyone,

So I posted the below almost exactly a year ago- April 2014

Ok so I am new to TAM. However, I have seen many of the posts and think this is the place I can rant about my marriage or get advice. 

So- first a little history on my marriage. 
We have been married for 7 years but together for 14 years. We have survived many bad situations. Many of them have made us stronger, many have caused futurer issues. Niether of us is perfect in the situation but one of us has changed for the better, the other has also changed but not so good. 

The first ten years of our marriage was spent with him trying to cheat on me. And I say trying because to this day he insists he never has actually cheated on me but I still am not sure if I believe that or not. There have been several instances including me finding a used condom in his car several years ago, my best freind telling me that he came to her work and offered to have sex with her, my friends from my former job telling me he was calling them to "chat". I found texts on his phone to a former "freind" saying things like I want to see you, and he was planning a camping trip with his cousin and was telling her then that he wanted to see her the night he was supposed to go with his cousin "camping". Other intances of hurt and anguish include the first year we were together I thought I was pregnant, I was a teen so I didnt know for sure, I just thought I was. I asked him to meet me somewhere to discuss it and he stood me up. That night I broke up with him and told him I would meet him at my then work to get his stuff. He begged and pleaded with me (including crying) to not break up with him. So i stayed. Fast forward ten years through more fighting, bickering, including physical things where he would block my way or hold me down on the bed to not let me leave an argument, several years of therapy for both of us, and three kids later. Here we are 14 years later. I, through therapy have improved myself, I stopped being so controlling and acting like his mother. Stopped getting mad when he would lie to me, and in response it improved out relationship. He stopped lying to me about things because I stopped getting mad. So, now, we have three children, still more instances, including one in the past couple of years where he chocked me. He hasnt ever actually hit me in anger. This is the first time he has ever actually hurt me also. I kicked him out this time and he hasnt done it since. So now, I make more money than he does or is capable of. So I work and he stays home with the kids. Our marriage is better because I have worked my butt off to make our lives better. The issue now is that he treats me like i am his mom or an authority figure, not doing anything without my ok. He has little to no self esteem or confidence. He doesnt act like a grown up, has no passion for life or even to do his part in our lives together. I tell him constantly that I am not his boss, not his mom, when he tries to put me in that role. He is depressed, thinks he is bipolar, is going to therapy. on medications. etc. (I dont think he is bipolar, he never has the high that is mentioned in every book I have read) However, I am struggling with just surviving with him. He is a burden, not a partner. He acts like a child, i tell him to get a job if he wants to get a job, to start a hobby, go back to the gym, do what he needs to do to be happy. I tell him the one thing I am not going to do is be his mother or boss, and he will not ride on my coat tails through life anymore. He has been just riding through life on my coat tails in that I am improving myself, getting my MBA, in my career, doing well in life, and he is not. I find myself pulling farther and farther away from him because I feel like I have given all I can to him and our relationship. I dont leave him because I am at a crossroads of what is better for our children? To have parents who can most of the time get along and love eachother most of the time, or to not have thier dad. To have a dad who is possibly bipolar, depressed and does not have any skills, that they see lie and do odd things, or to not have a dad? Our son doesnt really respect him, and they all argue with him because he acts as if he is the same age as them or on the same level with them. But they all love him very much. He is a good daddy to them and shows his love for them. My current stance on my marriage is just to act as if I am not married. I am not out there looking for another man or anything but I am just doing me. I am working on me still and leaving him behind. I have discussed this with him and we have discussed this many times. I am getting tired of hearing him constantly complain about everything but he never does anything about the things he complains about. Ugh, I just dont know what I should do. There is more to the story but I think this is long enough. 

People responded by asking what he does around the house/ yard which I replied with what he does which is nothing unless I tell him to or get mad at him for not doing it

So fast forward almost a full year- and little has changed

Except I have found out he has "cheated" on me again- well talked to another girl through voxer he didn't follow through with the act but it was pretty much talking about sex and an emotional affair. He contacted her the day before we were supposed to start a marriage class at church to help our marriage. And during the two weeks after I had kicked him out and he had said he was "committing" his heart and self to me and that he was committed to our marriage. I made him homeless for about two weeks- was very hard on our children to see him leave and hard on me to see them cry because he was leaving.

I am still confused on what to do- he has now deleted all of his social media in an effort to get me to stay with him

He doesn't work- all three kids are in school now- kindergarten is half day so he still picks kids up and drops them off at school and has kindergartener half a day.


I guess I am not really confused- I want a divorce but cant bring myself to take my kids dad away from them and make him homeless as he has no way to support himself and no where to go (during the two weeks I did kick him out he slept in his car outside the house.)

He has convinced me to start counseling with him next week- he has a psychiatrist and therapist for his bipolar

I guess that has to do with why I am a little confused- if I see the bipolar as an illness- how can I leave him? I wouldn't leave him if he had something medically wrong with him like cancer or some other medical issue.......

Sorry for the long post but the situation is confusing


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

My dad has bipolar. I damn near begged my mom to divorce him when I was a kid when she told me he was cheating, and the behavior I witnessed d/t his illness didn't change my opinion. Illness or not he knew his behavior was wrong.


It's not like if you divorce him he's going to disappear into thin air. I've said this dozens of times, staying together in a train wreck marriage/relationship is not always in the best interest of the kids. Being divorced doesn't make either one of you any less their parent.

Hell he might even become more responsible if he doesn't have you as a crutch rely on.


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## blukitten (Apr 29, 2014)

Thank you Jasel

I have thought that as well. If he didn't have me as a crutch to rely on- maybe that would even be best for him- and do his credit his behavior in our marriage did improve after I kicked him out.

I am just afraid that the improved behavior is temporary like it has been every other time-- although he says this time is different (like he always has) because he said something changed in him when he saw his kids crying cause he was leaving......


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

If you do plan to D, do it before he gets officially diagnosed with a mental illness or you may wind up having to support him.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

blukitten said:


> And I say trying because to this day he insists he never has actually cheated on me but I still am not sure if I believe that or not. There have been several instances including me finding a used condom in his car several years ago


What more proof do you need than that? If he didn't use it with you then he used it with someone else. Obviously he didn't use it with you because otherwise you wouldn't have mentioned it. 

The situation is only confusing because you're in denial.

The truth hurts, but the truth sets you free. Ya know?



Acoa said:


> If you do plan to D, do it before he gets officially diagnosed with a mental illness or you may wind up having to support him.


I sometimes wonder if my exwife gets diagnosed with a mental illness if the state can still come after me and extend my now expired spousal support.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Let's see, physically abusive, mentally abusive, cheater and deadbeat.

It's pretty simple. You are being his mother. Just like you wouldn't kick out an 8 year old no matter what naughty stuff he does, you're not going to kick him out because you feel the onus is on you to "protect" him.

He's a grown a$$ man acting like a child, not to mention the abuse and the infidelity.

Depending on what state you're in, you'd probably wind up paying him support that could pay for a place for him to live. A small price to pay to get rid of the guy because he's not going to change.

Put yourself and your kids first for once.


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## blukitten (Apr 29, 2014)

Thank you guys for all of your responses- you are all correct

So update- caught him trying to cheat on me again this time with one of my good friends who forwarded me the entire conversation. Kicked him out..... seeking D

Going to research if I will have to pay him spousal support now, meeting with an attorney for consultation in 2 wks


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Yeah, I think enough's enough.


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