# I've made a complete f*** up of it.



## Badger_ (May 20, 2013)

I'm not usually into posting on things like this, but I could do with sound advice from people who have been through similar. Being a man I suffer from that usual man thing about expressing myself well, so forgive me if this post is a little fractured. 

I'm a 30yr old British man, married for 2yrs to a 29yr Russian girl.

Basically my story is this. I met a girl from Russia, not through the internet, but through soccer of all things, she isn't an internet bride. Anyway, we kept in touch and eventually she came to the UK to visit, and we got together.

At first it was exciting, with the Visa issues between the UK and Russia, we'd travel to other EU countries and meet up for weekends. It was great.... She fell in love with me, although I was never 100% sure if I was in love with her, I thought I was.

This continued for a 18mths, then we started to get more serious, however, given she is Russian.... getting to settle into a proper relationship is impossible as she can't be in the UK for more than 30 days. I asked her to marry me, and thus we could try being together. 

Now I knew I had doubts, but understand our relationship was doomed if we didn't get married. Anyway in June 2011 we were married.

Then soon afterwards the enormity of what I had done hit me. She starts talking of houses, kids, etc.... I'm still not sure I even want to be married. It stops becoming exciting, and becomes very real.

After 2yrs I know I don't want to be married to this girl. However, she loves me, I don't love her (even though she is perfect in so many ways, but the spark just isn't there for me). I don't want sex, she does. I don't really want to speak to her, she always wants to speak to me. I work away from home a lot, and after being away for a week she crowds me when I just want left alone. Recently thoughts of infidelity have entered my head, although I have never cheated on her.

And this is where it is hard, and why I'm an a***hole. I told her I loved her, when I probably didn't. This girl has uprooted her life to move with me to the UK, we've spent lots of money doing this, and she's made so much effort to get here..... I now I just want out of the relationship.

I told her where I stand the other day, and hearing her cry was the worst feeling in the world.

Also we booked a holiday for July, some months ago. I want to cancel the holiday, she wants us to still go. My feelings are going on holiday together will only cause more pain as it gives her false hope.

Advice on how to handle this and sort the mess I've created would be appreciated. My wife absolutely does not deserve this to be more painful than it has to be. Even though the spark of love isn't there from me to her, I still respect her enormously as a human being, and she is brilliant.

Help


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## 4thand11 (May 20, 2013)

First off I certainly wouldn't go ahead with the vacation at this point. Tell her that is a no-go. She clearly thinks time away together will change your feelings somehow, and it sounds like they won't.

Obviously you should not have married her but you're certainly not the first person who told someone they loved them just to avoid hurting them. Obviously a terrible thing to do, but it's too late now. You can't go back in time.

Only question now is whether you drag this out or make it as quick and painless as possible for her so she can move on and find someone who actually loves her. Dragging it out may make things seem easier on you but will hurt her more in the long run.


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## Badger_ (May 20, 2013)

I know this, I suspect other people who have did this fell into the same trap as me. I really liked her, enjoy her company, and thought I could make myself love her.... only for it to become obvious it wasn't going to happen. I'm a **** for doing that to her.

The problem is with her living the the UK, she is so interwoven with my family, it isn't simple for her just to go back home.... but she's nowhere to stay here apart from our (rented) home, has no money as she only works part time (so relies on me).

I'm not being a **** to her, I'm not suddenly saying no more money, or get out the house, etc.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that you do have to leave her as this is not fair to her.

Could you help her get back home?

With her immigration status, can she work full time?

What I would suggest is that the next time you leave for a trip just do not go back to her. Find some place else to stay. Let her know that you will help her for x number of months.

This is a really sad situation since she had to give up so much and spend so much to be with you.


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## FlyingThePhoenix (Apr 11, 2013)

Badger,

You are NOT going to get ANY sympathy from me, but I will state my points to you and attempt to make you understand that your actions are going to destroy your LOVING WIFE! And sour relations with your family for years to come.



> I know this, I suspect other people who have did this fell into the same trap as me.


The TRAP! How DARE YOU! The TRAP in English is called falling in LOVE and getting MARRIED. Which YOU DID WITH HER with open eyes! She gave up everything for YOU, her country, her language, her culture, EVERYTHING.

Your words to her post#1: 
“I told her where I stand the other day, and hearing her cry was the worst feeling in the world.”

And that knife you stuck in her heart was 1000 times worse than anything YOU felt!



> I really liked her, enjoy her company, and thought I could make myself love her.... only for it to become obvious it wasn't going to happen. I'm a **** for doing that to her.


How about LEARNING TO LOVE instead of MAKING / FORCING YOURSELF TO LOVE HER, she has given up everything for you and by your own admission she has “interwoven with my family”. Who probably LOVE her more than YOU DO right now, I bet? Just think for moment will you, how do think your family are going to react to you dumping your wife because it was a MISTAKE. Whose side do you think they are going to take? I pray it’s HER’s and NOT yours.

Your words from post#1
“Then soon afterwards the enormity of what I had done hit me. She starts talking of houses, kids, etc.... I'm still not sure I even want to be married. It stops becoming exciting, and becomes very real.”

How old are you? (Don’t answer that, why waste your time, I already know).

You sound VERY for immature for your age, there’s a user on called “alyssa_s” on TAM, check her thread out. She’s 18 with more brains and common sense then you right now she’s fighting like HELL to keep her parents/family together. You could learn a lot from this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



> The problem is with her living the the UK, she is so interwoven with my family, it isn't simple for her just to go back home.... but she's nowhere to stay here apart from our (rented) home, has no money as she only works part time (so relies on me).


You know full well how hard it is to LIVE in the UK these days, the government cracking down on immigration controls.
If you divorce her does she have the right to stay in the UK after only 2 years of marriage?


> I'm not being a **** to her, I'm not suddenly saying no more money, or get out the house, etc.


You went into this marriage with your EYES WIDE OPEN and now you are scared because your wife mentioned, just mentioned buying a house and starting a family. Read your post#1 again, I have and it says one thing to me, *you played your wife from day one.*

If you still have ANY LOVE for this woman, 
*MAN-UP and BE HUSBAND! AT LEAST TRY!*

 FTP!


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