# Seeking Confirmation



## BMoreMan (Apr 7, 2014)

First let me say, this is not my first post here but is the first in a long while. I am not trolling and not a ****. I believe in family and love and it is a strong motivation for me. That said if your going to be a **** then just move on as I’m dealing with real **** and real decisions that effect real people.

I first found out in April 2013 that my wife was having at least an emotional affair with her boss. Found texts and pictures on her phone. I confronted her and she had admitted to sleeping with her boss one time. She was also pregnant at the time, conception being in early December. The timing of the pregnancy and the affair sex lined up and so I pressed for a prenatal test. The results came back and I was not the father of the baby. We talked and got what I thought was the truth, that it was a one time thing, that it’s over, etc. Already having been together for 14 years at the time and already having another child from 2010 (which is definitely mine). I decided to giver her another chance. I am also man enough to to take on the responsibility of an innocent child who is not mine, it is not her fault and should have a chance at a good life. The OM had to move back to his hometown for work, so he would no longer physically be around (or so I thought). I read a ton of books and articles, I got my mind right, and tried to work on our relationship to make it stronger.

I thought things were good again for the next few years. There were no signs of anything at all. I thought we had overcome this and were together. Then in September of this year (2016), she was asleep in bed in front of her phone, it was still unlocked an open to the app. As I glanced at it I noticed emails from the same OM as before. She had an email account I did not know about and only used a web browser to access it. There were emails between them going way back. I captured and forwarded a bunch before clicking on a wrong link and being logged out. But what I had was enough. I have been traveling a bit with the new job I started a year ago. And at least on the last few trips while I was over seas the OM flew up to town and she went to his hotel room on several occasions, and he actually stayed in my house, and in my bed. He had even played with my kids at the playground (one of which is actually his). It was still early that night so I called a friend who knew of the old stuff and he came and we drove for a bit and talked then returned home. She was awake and knew I had seen it, and forwarded those emails. She came clean, sort of. I get the usual “been found out” response.

She dumped that email account after denying me access to it. Since then I have been on a witch hunt. Found a bit more information she did not clean up from other accounts that are still around and I know about. It seems the first time was not a one time thing but at least a six month sex fest, whenever she could sneak away. That they talked about him might being the father, etc. I now know why she kept in contact with him, she felt guilty about him being separate from his kid, and she still had feelings for this guy. So, I did not make any rash decisions when I found out this second time as I didn’t have all the facts yet. I have been using my time to collect everything I can. I am hanging around through the holidays for my kids. I have pieced together everything I can of what has happened. I am currently just going thru the motions without any emotion. I am going to meet with a divorce lawyer in December to draw up all the paperwork and drop it on her ass in January. At this point I want to take everything from her and leave her with nothing, including the kids.

I wanted to share my story, that of trying to be the best man I could. To love unconditionally, and for that to taken advantage of. I don’t have many friends I can share this with. Am I doing the right thing?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

BMoreMan said:


> that of trying to be the best man I could. To love unconditionally, and for that to taken advantage of. I don’t have many friends I can share this with. Am I doing the right thing?


Loving unconditionally is just a neon sign to people saying use and abuse me. I will not tell you if you did the right thing but you know what the definition of insanity is right? You tried to give your wife a second chance and she just took the affair underground. She had another man's kid and expected you to raise it. I hope you stick to getting out like you say. I would also look into suing the other guy for child support. 

Go get help for you co-dependence. No one deserves to be treated like you have been but you didn't stand up for yourself, you need to find out why.

Finally I would have to wonder if your wife hasn't cheated before this man. Normally people who are this awful don't just start to be that way after years. She has just been good at hiding it. If she doesn't have deep shame when she had another man's kid while married to the father of her first child I doubt she would have shame about cheating in the first place. You wife is not a good person, and probably has never been.

Here is your confirmation, do what you should have done the first time and run like the wind, but first get the best lawyer you can find and lower the boom. Also cut all communications at that point, except about the kids. Get angry and get strong. Turn to stone.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

Well, OP, now you know why people like you are called cucks and vilified. It is because reconciliation it is usually a waste of time after this sort of betrayal — usually. Give people an inch and they take a mile. It also sounds like you rugswept the first time you discovered that she was cheating. You didn’t process things, go through the motions of outrage, fury, taking time before you gave forgiveness to your cheating spouse.

With the connection she now shares with the OM through the child their lives will forever be intertwined. So don’t expect him to get out of your lives. He is here to stay.

The question to ask yourself is if you want to go through life being a hall monitor to your wife, constantly looking over your shoulder: wondering when she is texting who she is texting, wondering when she is out late where she is, and so on. The OM will want updates on what is going on with his child from the sound of things so she will be in contact with him.

It’s good that you didn’t punish the child. You are right, it isn’t her fault. However, this marriage looks like it is going downhill fast. She will probably snap out of fantasy land when she leaves you to have a relationship with OM and she realises OM isn’t the knight in shining armour she imagines him to be. Will you also take her back then?


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Cut her loose as planned. She is trash and never deserved a decent man. Don't look back. No third chances, no new adoptions of other men's children. 

I'm not sure why you need to wait until January to serve the divorce papers. 

You can move on and find a wonderful woman who will love you the same way you love her.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You need to get the first child DNA tested too.

Why? Because if you are wrong about the paternity then this could cause health issues in the future. 

Your wife is unworthy of your love. You are doing the right thing.

By the way if anyone does insult you on TAM please use the report button and moderators will deal with this as soon as possible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Only you can decide what you are going to do. 

May here will offer opinions, and it is your choice to either absorb or ignore them. 

Personally, I think you should have left her when you realized the child wasn't yours. Sound heartless? Perhaps. So was sleeping with another man when she was married to you. Doubly so when it's clear that no protection was used. Triply so when you took her back and willingly risked exposure to possible STDs from her.

Have either of you been tested? You both should be, pronto. Or, have you decided that a good man should willingly stick his head in the sand and ignore the "reality" he talked about living in his first post?

Again, only you can decide what to do. I just hope you keep an open mind and wish you the best.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Sounds as if you have a plan in hand, @BMoreMan ~ and are to be commended for carrying it out! She is more than deserving given the sad fact of what she's done to you, both by admission and otherwise!

I must differ with you on two fronts however! First, sheerly for confirmation sake, do have the oldest child DNA tested just to rule out any impropriety in their conception!

Lastly, get to your MD to get yourself tested for the presence of any STD's that she might well have passed on to you!

Full speed ahead with your lawyer to help you put an end to this charade of a marriage! Custody wise,it is up to you to shoot for that because I cannot help but feel that you have been a far better father to them than she's ever thought of being a mother to them! 

Best of luck to you! Sorry to see you here at TAM, but you have definitely come to the right place for common-sense advise!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I agree with others - get the first child dna tested. You never know.

I understand where you're coming from when you say you'll wait til the holidays are over. But to me, that's a smoker saying "I'll quit next week". There's never a good time. Actually that's not right - there's never a better time than right now. This applies to virtually everything. I wouldn't wait, but that's just me.

The second thing I wanted to say is, with all due respect, why fight for custody over the child that isn't yours? I mean, I get that you likely love him/her, but the reality is that there's a very good chance your stbxw will wind up with the OM, any way. Regardless of the character of those two people, the child would probably be better off with his/her biological parents.

It's unlikely a court would give any kind of custody of this child to you, any way, never mind full.

You need to let go of this other child, IMO. It's all well and good in your mind, but the reality is that when he/she is old enough to start asking questions (of which you will have the answer to) it will be unbelievably confusing to him/her as to why they were raised by you.

When my oldest stepson started asking questions about his bio dad when he was 8, he ended up going through a period of about 2 years where he, I wouldn't say 'rejected' me, but he treated me like I was just a guy who happened to live in the same house. I didn't blame him, of course, but all the same. He felt like whatever love he had been giving me before then was a sort of betrayal of his real dad. His bio dad didn't want a regular relationship with him (he's seen him about twice a year since then, even though he lives close), and it took him 2 years to get out of the fantasy land of 'mom and dad are going to get back together and we'll be a real family'.

And this is a 'normal' story. Yours is/would be anything but normal. Especially if your stbxw and the OM wind up together. When he/she is old enough to ask questions, how do you answer them? "You're with me because your mom and dad are awful people"? Meanwhile they're living together, probably happily?

Divorce your wife asap, and get 50/50 custody of the child that is yours (provided he/she is, of course, because you never know) and go in with your life.

Look, I get it. You wanted to do the 'right' thing, and you got burned. That sucks. It's easy for any of us to sit here and say we wouldn't have done that. Honestly, most of us wouldn't. If my wife cheated and got pregnant by the OM, I'd be outta here so fast it wouldn't be funny. But I can't say for certain I'd have done the same thing with my EX wife. I was a different person then and fully believed in unconditional love and all that. It's entirely possible I would have done the same thing as you. I fully admit I ignored the signs with my ex wife, probably rugswept and otherwise didn't pay attention to what was going on.

Long story short, you need to think of yourself and YOUR future, not somebody else's child's. They won't be homeless or without parents, so you don't need to step up and do anything. As much as you care about this child's welfare, he/she is not your child to worry about.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

_"I now know why she kept in contact with him, she felt guilty about him being separate from his kid, and she still had feelings for this guy."_



BMM, All I can say about your above comment, my man, is that its an outrageous understatement. She kept in contact with this cat because she has strong romantic interest in him. If she feels guilty about him being separated from his kid, its because of the strong romantic interest and the underlying desire that they be a "family". When you were overseas and he flew into town to bang your wife, it started out with her going to the hotel to get laid. However, that escalated quickly with him at your house when they wanted more time for bonding, spooning in "her" bed after rocking each others world, and waking up together, etc. In other words, they were a family. The likely truth is that ole boy got more puzzy in one 24 hour period while you were overseas than you've got since she's had his baby.

Sounds like you've read the writing on the wall. Although I expect she won't be that broken-hearted when/if you hand her your walking papers, I don't know what you'll eventually do if she begs you to stay. (after he tells her he's in it for the puzzy and didn't sign on to be no daddy) If you do stay, knowing what you know now, you'll more that meet the full definition of cuckold.

Its like I've said all along, you can love her unconditionally all you want, but you ain't gonna have a happy marriage unless she loves you exclusively and is not going around banging other guys. (here's a hent of advice. When they tell you they love you but they still desire sleeping with other guys, it means they don't love you.)


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

BMoreMan said:


> So, I did not make any rash decisions when I found out this second time as I didn’t have all the facts yet. I have been using my time to collect everything I can. I am hanging around through the holidays for my kids. I have pieced together everything I can of what has happened. I am currently just going thru the motions without any emotion. I am going to meet with a divorce lawyer in December to draw up all the paperwork and drop it on her ass in January.


I applaud you for waiting until the holidays are over until you proceed with serving her papers. This'll have a huge impact on the oldest, especially. They will be fine through all of this though. Please think about the impact that you'll have if you make this a nasty custody battle. Unless, there's an addiction/neglect situation or she's just a crappy mother, please consider going for 50/50 split on custody. You're angry at your wife. Don't take it out on the kids. 

Waiting, though, does give you time to let your anger die down and you may have second thoughts later. It's never a good time. There'll never be a good time. It's a sucky situation. Sorry you're dealing with this.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

I am very sorry for what you are going through. I agree with the others. You need to get a DNA and STD test as a matter of precaution. 

Despite her actions however, getting full custody of your children will be extremely difficult. Make sure you have a good attorney to aid you in this process. It maybe helpful to fully document who your wife left the kids with while she met with the OM. 

You have my support and prayer. Please feel free to come back if you feel the need to vent.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Do what you should've done the exact moment you found out that she was carrying another man's child:

1) Divorce and never look back.
2) If OM is married, expose the affair to his wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

VladDracul said:


> _"I now know why she kept in contact with him, she felt guilty about him being separate from his kid, and she still had feelings for this guy."_
> 
> 
> 
> ...


^This guy^ knows what's up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

OP so sorry you are here. 

If I am getting the dates right, your child who was "fathered" by the OM is 4 years old. So to ask OP to give up this child who he has raised as his own for four years...I don't know. It's a sticky situation. To this child....OP is his father regardless of who the sperm donor is. OP did you legally adopt the 4-yr-old? I'm so sorry your soon to be ex wife did this to you. Be strong and carry out this divorce...she deserves to be kicked to the curb. And I hope karma comes back to bite her a$$. You deserve better.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

B More,

You've got the correct plan. Now follow through and do not deviate from it. And resist the crap about remorse. She is past remorse and i hope your legal plan is able to leave her with what she deserves.

You're a pretty strong guy to be able to sit on this ****.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

You are doing the right thing... measure twice, cut once.

Continue to love your children with all your heart... your STBXW, remove that which hurts you.


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## BMoreMan (Apr 7, 2014)

Thank you all for your responses, especially considering holiday. She sees the writing is on the wall and is pulling out all the stops to try and keep me around. Constant sex, wanting a third child. Just after posting this last night she woke me up at 4am, she couldn't sleep. Says we should go to counseling together, admits she can't live on her own with her crappy salary, that she could quit her job and go back to school full time. I actually laugh in her face when she says these things. I'm glad I didn't make any rash decisions, I've been able to find a lot more hard evidence around everything. Especially that she is a pathological liar, even to the OM to lure him in more. I'm hoping to use the info to turn the screws on her as much as possible. The state I live in has some strict guidelines around custody and I am hoping I can use that to my advantage.

Oh, and the OM is married, and always said he won't leave his wife. I wrote him to personally tell him what a pu$$y that he is, of course he did not respond. I plan on sharing everything with his wife and probably his job since this started in the office and he is her boss, he used "business trips" to be in town when I wasn't.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

BMoreMan said:


> Thank you all for your responses, especially considering holiday. She sees the writing is on the wall and is pulling out all the stops to try and keep me around. Constant sex, wanting a third child. Just after posting this last night she woke me up at 4am, she couldn't sleep. Says we should go to counseling together, admits she can't live on her own with her crappy salary, that she could quit her job and go back to school full time.


LOL.

Nope.



BMoreMan said:


> I actually laugh in her face when she says these things. I'm glad I didn't make any rash decisions, I've been able to find a lot more hard evidence around everything. Especially that she is a pathological liar, even to the OM to lure him in more. I'm hoping to use the info to turn the screws on her as much as possible. The state I live in has some strict guidelines around custody and I am hoping I can use that to my advantage.


Glad you're not falling for her bullsh*t.



BMoreMan said:


> Oh, and the OM is married, and always said he won't leave his wife. I wrote him to personally tell him what a pu$$y that he is, of course he did not respond. *I plan on sharing everything with his wife and probably his job* since this started in the office and he is her boss, he used "business trips" to be in town when I wasn't.


When?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BMoreMan (Apr 7, 2014)

Manchester said:


> I have found when people post one time and say they are not trolling in their one and only post they are in fact trolling.
> 
> Note that I am not calling you a troll because that's against the rules. I'm simply saying that if the ground is shaking and there's no heavy machinery around then it's probably an earthquake because that's the most obvious answer.


Yes, well, the majority responses I received on here from my first post years ago were not, let's say constructive. So I did not even respond and just logged out. Feel free to ignore this thread if you wish.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

BMoreMan said:


> Yes, well, *the majority responses I received on here from my first post years ago were not, let's say constructive.* So I did not even respond and just logged out. Feel free to ignore this thread if you wish.


They actually were, and if you'd heeded them then, all of this bullsh*t would be well behind you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BMoreMan (Apr 7, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> When?


This I am trying to figure out. Since they work in the same company there is a possibility she could lose her job. While I'm not broken up about that, it could effect alimony, as I do live in a progressive state. I don't want to be forced to pay her a dime more then I have to. I am hoping to get the full picture once I am engaged with a lawyer.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

You have done everything you can to give her a chance to redeem herself. You can now walk away from this marriage knowing that you did all that you could to save it. 

Continue to detach from your wife. Stop having sex with her and move to a different room of the house. Stop sleeping with her and stop being affectionate. See a lawyer and also have your first child DNA tested. 

As far as I am concerned, go ahead and take her for everything you can in the divorce. It was her choice to go down this path by cheating and continuing to cheat after a false reconciliation. 

Be strong and stay the course. Also, definitely tell his wife. She deserves to know.


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## BMoreMan (Apr 7, 2014)

bluezone said:


> OP so sorry you are here.
> 
> If I am getting the dates right, your child who was "fathered" by the OM is 4 years old. So to ask OP to give up this child who he has raised as his own for four years...I don't know. It's a sticky situation. To this child....OP is his father regardless of who the sperm donor is. OP did you legally adopt the 4-yr-old? I'm so sorry your soon to be ex wife did this to you. Be strong and carry out this divorce...she deserves to be kicked to the curb. And I hope karma comes back to bite her a$$. You deserve better.


Giving her up would be something I doubt I can do. I am listed as the birth father on record and have been that for her. I struggled at the time whether to put my name down or not. But I did, knowing what it meant. In this state there is really no way for the OM to even challenge it or even for me to give her up. The courts side solely on the child's well being and not changing anything in their life.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You are a better man than me.

Some people died on the cross, professing their beliefs.

Tens of millions died fighting back barbarism throughout the ages.

You are but one wisp of a man who turned the other cheek and forgave.

You lost. You lost her. She lost her soul. She lost you. You were the only

good thing she had [chlldren excluded]. She did not need to do this. She 

could have divorced you and then created a relationship with the POSOM. She

did not. 

Why? She has very short legs. In order to rise to her evil perch, she needs to

step on other peoples necks. Yours' was such a neck. She cannot stand on her 

own stubs. You see, her legs are folded over in half, bent at the knee. She never

grew up, never became full stature. Call her stunted, I call her Troll.

Troll with hooves, lipstick on a porcine face.

Continue with you plan to divorce her. Contest paying child support for the second

innocent baby. POSOM needs to stand up and pull more than his pud. Hard to do for wolves. 

A wolves spine remains horizontal [near the soil] as does their mind.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You screwed up big time the first go round. I hope you learned a good life lesson here. However, time will tell.

I've seen many jump up and say D!!!! Then Mr Nice Guy the White Knight rears his head and just can't pull the trigger by digging for excuses, the holidays. The kids, finances, she really remorseful this time after affair numer 5 or 6, etc. Yada, yada, yada.

Let's face it. She's knocked up by an other man and you rolled over and took it. The potential is there for you to back up and do it again. 

You are responsible for you life. While the affair, etc is on her how you handle it is squarely on you.

I hope you do what you say this time.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

BMoreMan said:


> Constant sex, wanting a third child.


Don't get her pregnant



BMoreMan said:


> Oh, and the OM is married, and always said he won't leave his wife. I wrote him to personally tell him what a pu$$y that he is, of course he did not respond. I plan on sharing everything with his wife and probably his job since this started in the office and he is her boss, he used "business trips" to be in town when I wasn't.


Do not get your wife fired until after the divorce is final. It could cost you if she's unemployed. Don't expose your wife or the OM now. Save that for leverage in the divorce talks to get better terms. You can always expose later. As other have said DNA the other kid. She had no problem letting you raise another man's kid once why wouldn't she do it twice? You can buy a kit at almost any drug store.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I don't blame OP for not sticking to this forum 2-3 years ago. He did get a lot of "this can't be real" type responses then.

BMoreMan - your wife views you as nothing more than an ATM machine. And despite everything you've done, putting the kids needs first including raising their love child as your own - she STILL crapped all over you and was in touch with this guy. Trust NOTHING that ever comes out of her mouth again. This is not a woman you can stay married to. For the kids sake or for your sake. And do not sleep with her, not even one more time for ol' time sake. She will "forget" her birth control, or put a pinpr!ck thru your condoms. Last thing you need is her pregant again.

Get the DNA test on child #1 and STD tests if you haven't already. You cannot trust that this guy was the first guy. 

I'm having trouble wrapping my head around one thing. This guy is married, fathered a child with your wife, but HIS wife has no idea as to any of this? You need to share everything with this woman, like yesterday. (ETA but yes at this point wait until you make sure expose doesn't adversely affect you financially)

As far as custody of the children, you are within your rights to seek any kind of custody you wish with both of them. Whether you get full custody or not is a matter for the courts. I don't think I could have ever raised another man's baby as my own in the matter you did, but i applaud your commitment to her then and now. You are a good man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Unfortunately you are a victim of a societal fallacy that it is somehow honorable to stay with a person who has deeply abused you. There is nothing honorable about it. Most often that belief leads people to the situation you are now in. This made a whole lot more sense when people were much more dependent on each other to just survive. In modern society no one needs another person to help them just to eat. (although if you have read the internet in the last 3 weeks many are acting that way, but I digress) Kids can thrive with just one parent. Time to loose your religious regarding this idea. No one would ever see it as a good thing to stay with someone who physically abuses you, why would it be a good thing to stay with someone who does the same thing emotionally. This idea needs to die.

An honorable man takes care of his own children and detaches from a dishonorable person like your wife. He demonstrates to society that people like your wife don't deserve to have honorable people in her life, at least while that abuse others. His actions show that fidelity is required for marriage and his love. He is an example to his kids to never be abused. He shows them that respect is just as big a part of relationships as love is. 

You may even choose to forgive you wife one day. As is your right, but you should never choose to give her your love again. You MUST value it more than that. If you want to be the good man you speak of. Good men don't allow themselves to be bullied.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

BMoreMan said:


> Thank you all for your responses, especially considering holiday. She sees the writing is on the wall and is pulling out all the stops to try and keep me around. Constant sex, wanting a third child. Just after posting this last night she woke me up at 4am, she couldn't sleep. Says we should go to counseling together, admits she can't live on her own with her crappy salary, that she could quit her job and go back to school full time. I actually laugh in her face when she says these things. I'm glad I didn't make any rash decisions, I've been able to find a lot more hard evidence around everything. Especially that she is a pathological liar, even to the OM to lure him in more. I'm hoping to use the info to turn the screws on her as much as possible. The state I live in has some strict guidelines around custody and I am hoping I can use that to my advantage.
> 
> Oh, and the OM is married, and always said he won't leave his wife. I wrote him to personally tell him what a pu$$y that he is, of course he did not respond. I plan on sharing everything with his wife and probably his job since this started in the office and he is her boss, he used "business trips" to be in town when I wasn't.


Translation gravy train is about to end. I know if you knock me up your belief in responsibility will hold you to me. Think about the type of person you are dealing with here.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

BMoreMan said:


> Yes, well, the majority responses I received on here from my first post years ago were not, let's say constructive. So I did not even respond and just logged out. Feel free to ignore this thread if you wish.


But the were correct though right?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I am surprised you never exposed the affair to the OM's wife, can i ask why? but i woudl definitely do it now, apparently the OM does not have a problem disrupting your like.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

BMoreMan said:


> Yes, well, the majority responses I received on here from my first post years ago were not, let's say constructive. So I did not even respond and just logged out. Feel free to ignore this thread if you wish.


By not constructive you mean they probably said divorce her?

Like what you're about to do?

Seems wholly constructive to me..indeed could have saved you a lot of time


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Xenote said:


> I am surprised you never exposed the affair to the OM's wife, can i ask why? but i woudl definitely do it now, apparently the OM does not have a problem disrupting your like.


A lot of guys don't tell the OM wife because they fear she'll ditch his azz and clear the way for the OM to pursue the exposer's own WW. If our man BMM wants to be really really cool, he'll try to nail the OM wife.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

VladDracul said:


> A lot of guys don't tell the OM wife because they fear she'll ditch his azz and clear the way for the OM to pursue the exposer's own WW. If our man BMM wants to be really really cool, he'll try to nail the OM wife.


Never mind... I would have preferred the ability to have not been linked to this comment but it appears my path was set.

As it is, let me go on record that I found this most unmindful.


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## BMoreMan (Apr 7, 2014)

BobSimmons said:


> By not constructive you mean they probably said divorce her?
> 
> Like what you're about to do?
> 
> Seems wholly constructive to me..indeed could have saved you a lot of time


I did not have any issue with that feedback, and now that I know the full truth I would have. But there were personal attacks that were distasteful, I don't think anyone coming here should receive that.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Not sure if adultery is considered in your state but if you are intimate after the affair it might nullify it.


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## BMoreMan (Apr 7, 2014)

VladDracul said:


> A lot of guys don't tell the OM wife because they fear she'll ditch his azz and clear the way for the OM to pursue the exposer's own WW. If our man BMM wants to be really really cool, he'll try to nail the OM wife.


This exactly, he was relocated back home many states away, I thought I had the full story that the sex was a one time thing. I believed her when she said it was over. I just wanted him out of our lives and stirring that pot may have led to other problems. Hindsight is 20/20, I should have.

And I've thought about a little payback. Once the paperwork settles I may have to take a "business trip" of my own.


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## BMoreMan (Apr 7, 2014)

Marc878 said:


> Not sure if adultery is considered in your state but if you are intimate after the affair it might nullify it.


It would not nullify it, the state pushes heavily for reconciliation and sticking around and being intimate does not condone the adultery.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

So adultery is considered in your state. If you've got good evidence then there'll be no alimony. Better keep it in a safe place.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

BMoreMan said:


> I read a ton of books and articles, I got my mind right, and tried to work on our relationship to make it stronger.


Please elaborate.

What, exactly, did you do to work on your relationship at this point? More precisely, what did YOU do and what did SHE do?

Please bear with me. It is relevant.


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## BMoreMan (Apr 7, 2014)

turnera said:


> Please elaborate.
> 
> What, exactly, did you do to work on your relationship at this point? More precisely, what did YOU do and what did SHE do?
> 
> Please bear with me. It is relevant.


Mind you this is going back four years, but I read books on cheating and making a marriage work, reading articles on the internet, coming to places like this. To understand the how and why, much for myself. I tried to convince her read the same books and to do the exercises, she blew it off. Much like the counseling we sought after the first DDay which she blew off after the first few sessions.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Oh. So in other words, you did nothing. 

You did, however, prove to be a doormat, so, emboldened by that, she pushed the envelope - since you did NOTHING - and started living a double life since you made it clear you'd never leave her, no matter how atrocious her actions. You taught her to lose any shred of respect for you as a man. Sorry, but it's the truth. We teach people how to treat us and you taught her to walk all over you.

I'd be surprised if she even believes you'll leave her now, since you've shown no backbone for doing so before this.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Please say you are not having sex with her. 

You don't have children to repair a broken marriage.

You work on your problems until they are manageable or less and then you WAIT to see if it will stick. 

Don't be trapped like a rat.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BobSimmons said:


> By not constructive you mean they probably said divorce her?
> 
> Like what you're about to do?
> 
> Seems wholly constructive to me..indeed could have saved you a lot of time


Good advice, couched in unhelpful terms, is a menace as people can be inclined to ignore it.


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## BMoreMan (Apr 7, 2014)

I just wanted to drop a quick update. I have requested a consultation with an Attorney, that is now moving forward. I've also gone cold and indifferent to my WW over the past few days, and she has noticed. Hit me today with that she thinks it would be best if she moved out. My response was simply "if that is what you want to do", she did not like that at all. She then said she had to find a way to accommodate the kids.... oh no no no, the kids stay here, they will sleep in their own beds. You can go, but they are staying here. Fear set in and she quickly backtracked on it. Have to wait and see where this goes tonight when she gets home from work.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

BMoreMan said:


> I just wanted to drop a quick update. I have requested a consultation with an Attorney, that is now moving forward. I've also gone cold and indifferent to my WW over the past few days, and she has noticed. Hit me today with that she thinks it would be best if she moved out. My response was simply "if that is what you want to do", she did not like that at all. She then said she had to find a way to accommodate the kids.... oh no no no, the kids stay here, they will sleep in their own beds. You can go, but they are staying here. Fear set in and she quickly backtracked on it. Have to wait and see where this goes tonight when she gets home from work.


BMore,

So far, and I may have missed it and I apologize, I am guessing that she does not know you have proof she is still cheating?? So are these 20 questions she is trying to make you play in her mind questions about the past while she is still in the affair???
Just do not let what you are perceiving as "fear" allow you to let your guard down. Many times when they do get fear, the will try to manipulate you through sex or claiming they really want to reconcile and try to lure you to therapy.

You have done this drill before, and not only did she cheat again but in your house with your kids around. Amazes me how brazen they can be and think you are stupid enough to tolerate that. Especially with the history. 

I would still do everything you can to get her out of there and you MUST have a VAR on you when you interact with her. A fake DV claim is not out of the question here. Do not take any chances.

You mentioned a trip to OM's house. Do not do that without a witness. The last thin g you need is a police charge in case he is around when you try to tell the wife. I would show up at her work since you know where that is and OM will not be there.

Now brace yourself for more bull **** tonight. Her and her boyfriend are probabyl spending the day planning what they are going to do and don't be surprised if he is helping her with legal advice.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

BMoreMan said:


> I just wanted to drop a quick update. I have requested a consultation with an Attorney, that is now moving forward. I've also gone cold and indifferent to my WW over the past few days, and she has noticed. Hit me today with that she thinks it would be best if she moved out. My response was simply "if that is what you want to do", she did not like that at all. She then said she had to find a way to accommodate the kids.... oh no no no, the kids stay here, they will sleep in their own beds. You can go, but they are staying here. Fear set in and she quickly backtracked on it. Have to wait and see where this goes tonight when she gets home from work.


I commend you for being so resolved, even though it's heart breaking for you at the same time. Her responses are interesting, although not surprising.  

She will not go easily most likely, me thinks, as most cheaters want to keep the spouse AND keep the others on the side. They don't want to have to choose. 

Please keep us updated, keeping you and your family in my thoughts.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I'm wishing you the best in this situation. It sucks to go through it, but know that life gets immeasurably better once you take out the trash.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Great progress on a ****ty path you found yourself walking.

VAR VAR VAR now if you don't have one. It's the only way to protect your children at this point 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Stay strong BMore. Hang in there!


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

BMoreMan said:


> I just wanted to drop a quick update. I have requested a consultation with an Attorney, that is now moving forward. I've also gone cold and indifferent to my WW over the past few days, and she has noticed. Hit me today with that she thinks it would be best if she moved out. My response was simply "if that is what you want to do", she did not like that at all. She then said she had to find a way to accommodate the kids.... oh no no no, the kids stay here, they will sleep in their own beds. You can go, but they are staying here. Fear set in and she quickly backtracked on it. Have to wait and see where this goes tonight when she gets home from work.


Her next step will be to see an attorney and tell them that you intend to keep custody of the kids at which point the attorney if they are a good one will tell her what she needs to do to keep custody of the children and remain in the house- and that is done by working up a case against you accusing you of being some sort of threat or danger in which case you will eventually find yourself forcibly removed from the home and given at most limited and supervised visitation with your children for an indefinite period of time.

If you force your wife's hand she will do what is necessary to protect her parental rights, access to her home, and as much of the marital property as she can possibly keep her hands on.

Well maybe not. Maybe she'll be really nice and sweet and give you everything you are asking for including sole possession of the home and residential custody of the children and a nice, fair, even split down the middle of all the assets and she won't ask for maintenance and she'll even pay you child support since you'll be responsible for the children. But that's the stuff fairy tales are made of.


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## drifter777 (Nov 25, 2013)

BMoreMan said:


> I just wanted to drop a quick update. I have requested a consultation with an Attorney, that is now moving forward. I've also gone cold and indifferent to my WW over the past few days, and she has noticed. Hit me today with that she thinks it would be best if she moved out. My response was simply "if that is what you want to do", she did not like that at all. She then said she had to find a way to accommodate the kids.... oh no no no, the kids stay here, they will sleep in their own beds. You can go, but they are staying here. Fear set in and she quickly backtracked on it. Have to wait and see where this goes tonight when she gets home from work.


My heart pains for you & what you are going through. What I know is that if you stay focused on rebuilding your life and caring for your children that you will be rewarded with a new, better life. You will begin to heal, regain your self-esteem, and find peace of mind. 

Remember that you will have to co-parent with your STBXW so you will need to find a way to get along for that important task. But today that is not the issue you face. The most important thing you need to do right now is begin to detach from your WW and nothing accomplishes that more effectively than the 180. Whether she stays or goes, there is no reason you should have any communication with her that is not directly related to logistical things concerning the children or the divorces. One of you must leave ASAP - just be sure to clear it all with your lawyer. I understand waiting until Xmas is past - but it's going to be difficult. Good luck.


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