# newlywed and confused



## losted (Oct 6, 2010)

I love my husband but I think I jumped into marriage to fast. Or maybe I am too young, I'm only 20. We had only known each other a year and a half when we got married. I felt pressured by my very religions family because we got a place together. At the time I was so happy about getting married. I dont know where that feeling went. 
When we first started seeing each other it was amazing. He was everything I was looking for in a guy and more. We both said we wanted to take it slow. We had both been hurt in the past. But within a year we were engaged. He was sweet, kind, and had an awesome out look on life. We didnt have a ton of sex when we started dating but I didnt mind because I didnt want to get pregnant. He feared the same. But now that we are married and I've been on the pill, he still doesnt seem to want to do it. We might... MIGHT do it once a month. It could be I am overly senstive because of my weight but sometimes I think it is me. He says it isnt. He says I'm beautiful and all. And I have tried talking to him about my needs. But it never seems to get fixed. 
Also my mother was abused in her first marriage which is why i am scared of major conflict. But I swear sometimes when we are fighting (which we do alot over stupid and some not so stupid things) he might hurt me. He blocks the door for me to leave. He pins me in a corner. He has even took the door handle off the bedroom door before because i locked it. Hes pushed me on the bed. He does this tall stand right up close to be to attemadate me because I'm shorter. At first I thought he was a teddy bear but when we are fighting he reminds me of a grizzly bear. Ive talked to him about this. and yet nothing changes. He still tries to scare me. 
He is very paranoide. No matter what i am doing, he thinks the worst of me. I havent given any reason to either. I have no privace. He knows all my passwords and if i change them he would freak out. 
I dont know what to do anymore. He calls me names. *****, stupid, *****... I tell him not to but he says he doesnt mean it. he just said it cause he was mad. 
Now i am very forgetful. so bad sometimes i forgotten if ive seen a show or not. most people understand it but it pisses him off. he said he is tired of repeating his self. i try, i really do. 
He loves he's video games. but he does make time for me too. but he doesnt want to go out. all we do is watch tv and movies. 
im getting to the point where i am just done.

Please advice.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

What you have just described is a typical abusive situation. I put these turkeys in jail all the time. You have no kids with this guy and have invested very little in the relationship. You aren't getting much out of it anyway. With counseling, this guy might turn around but in your situation, why take the risk? If you were my daughter, I'd tell you to drop him like a bad habit. 
There's tons of information on spouse abuse on the internet. Research it yourself. If he's this abusive, controlling and indifferent to your needs as a newlywed, you probably don't want to know what your situation is likely to look like 3-4 years from now.


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## losted (Oct 6, 2010)

I know your right. and i dont want to be one of those wifes that keep coming back for more. My mom did that. I just dont know if its me being scared and self distructive or if this is really happening to me. I dont know and I'm scared to find out I think. But I'm trying to figure it out. I wish I could talk to my family. Or even a friend. But I dont have any friends because of him. He thinks anyone I befriend is one thing or another. He thinks Im impressionable. I miss being lonely and not married. lol. Its way better than being lonely in a marriage.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

"We might... MIGHT do it once a month." = neglect, disrespectful, dismissive

"He blocks the door for me to leave. He pins me in a corner. He has even took the door handle off the bedroom door before because i locked it. Hes pushed me on the bed." - unlawful imprisonment, domestic violence, two class A misdemeanors in my state. 

"He still tries to scare me."

"I have no privace. He knows all my passwords and if i change them he would freak out."

Suppose your best friend were in your shoes, experiencing the same things. What would you want them to do? Shouldn't you be your own best friend? Does your friend deserve security, love, and respect more than you?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

losted said:


> But I dont have any friends because of him.


You'll have to change this thinking pattern if you want to find a good relationship. Your H definitely has an unhealthy way of getting his point across, but you have no friends because of unhealthy choices you have made. No one can make you choose to stop talking to your friends (unless they tied you up and gagged you in the basement). Your H has influenced you by his actions, but ultimately you made the choice to stop talking to them. If you can recognize all the small day-to-day choices you made to get to this point, then you'll be on the path to a happier life. Im not saying you should stay. Leaving may also be a step in the right direction. But if you leave because he is "controlling" and made you miserable, you're next relationship will also be dysfunctional.


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

Losted, this sounds almost identical to how my marriage was in the beginning. However, my marriage became much worse. My husband and I have been together over 11 years now, and married over 10. I had the same feelings you have. I did not understand. I wanted to be married, but was miserable at times. One day would be great, and the next would be so detrimental. I don't believe your issues are regretting tying the know. I so know that tall stand right in front of you. It is very scary. Even though he had never actually physically harmed me in the beginning, this towering over me let me know tht he had it in him. It scared me so much. I never knew if his next move might break my nose, or leave me with a black eye.

I am currently trying to reconcile with my husband after a 10-month long separation. Things were great when I first went back home, but the changes he had shown seem to be disappearing now. My husband also wants to see all of my accounts. He does not know my passwords, but I know that he does want them. I know I will be terrified to refuse him the information when he finally requests it. I will probably just give in, even though I am still an individual, despite the fact that I am married. Now, I am hoping that the behavior my husband is currently exhibiting is just a minor setback. I am hoping that he will see just what he is doing to me and our marriage. I do not want to leave him again, but I may have to.

Losted, I hurt for you. You have described a mirror image of myself. I am afraid that I only see things getting worse for you. I would advise you stand up for yourself, but I know just how hard it is. H-ll, it took me ten years to stand-up for myself, and I am not sure if it even did anything in the long run.

I cannot tell you what to do, as I am just in an advanced stage of what you are going through. However, you can read any of my posts which will probably describe what may be coming next for you. Maybe you can get a step ahead of where I was in your shoes.

I do suggest consulting with a therapist of some sort to help you get through the troubling times that are ahead of you. The depression can get to you, and rob you of your clarity and intelligence. You may also PM me if you even need some insight, or just an ear.


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

How are you doing, Losted?

Are you okay?


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