# Reflecting



## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

:scratchhead:The last couple of months have been a slideshow of my marriage and then divorce.

Last night I am reading and suddenly a slide comes into view, my ex has changed his political affiliation, the brand of alcohol, his brand of smokes, and other characteristics. This all happened in a very short time. He had become a narrow-minded nutjob.

The only conclusion I can come up with is he is a chameleon with no real understanding of who he is. When he was with me, he had adopted all of my characteristics. Now he is with some other person and has adopted theirs. 

Wow, what does that say about this individual? And what does it say about me? I can see clearly who or what this individual really was/is and this person never was who I had thought he was. Whew...blows my mind.

I have learned so much in these last 10 months and it is helping with perspective and closure. I'm not there yet but I can see the horizon.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

He's a follower.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

DanF:
That simple? And yet he came off like an individual with their own views and strong character. But I think that was me. He ran to someone else because he has neither and mine had been withdrawn.

I think you may be right. I didn't see that.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

It's an important observation you've made. 



Sparkles422 said:


> And what does it say about me?


This is the man you chose to marry. What did you see early on that indicated he chooses no individual identity? People-pleasers can be very appealing (until conviction is needed, that is).

Observe yourself. Observe your relationships, your reactions. Awareness is the key - complete emotional awareness.

The only thing we can do with such a painful event is learn all we can - about ourselves - to make better decisions in the future.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Sparkles422 said:


> DanF:
> That simple? And yet he came off like an individual with their own views and strong character. But I think that was me. He ran to someone else because he has neither and mine had been withdrawn.
> 
> I think you may be right. I didn't see that.


Once he knew your views on whatever, it's easy to jump on the bandwagon.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

_"If you want to see someone else, please tell me; my dad cheated on my mom and it really hurt her, I could never do that to you.. please just tell me "_

--Says the exwife caught cheating ten years later---

--At least I still have my dignity.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Not sure what it says about you. I'm sure someone that was "mirroring" you was very attractive.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

niceguy:
What it says is I paid absolutely no attention to the red flags that were tossed my way in the beginning. The first one when ex had emailed that he loved me after the first date (nothing happened on that date other than a meal).

You're quite right about mirroring: very attractive. Another red flag.

I am just astounded that we all thought we knew these people, and I am finding out I knew nothing. I thought I did but I didn't.

Instincts are going to be paid heed to in the future.

Thank you all for the feedback. Everything helps to put distance between then and now.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

What I also typed (and deleted) is that right now is the perfect time to learn about yourself - regardless of what being with him may have meant. 

Figure out who you are when there's no one else around to fog up the mirror - right?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Limping (Oct 5, 2011)

I can approach it from the other side. When I got married, I had strong opinions etc. I put those aside during my marriage because my x always seemed to need something. She had depression then heart trouble then fibromyalgia etc. She was always sick and needy.

I seldom fought with her over things because it seemed to make her health worse. So unless it was TERRIBLY important, she simply got her way. 

As a matter of fact that is what led to our divorce. It started when I stopped bowing down to her every whim. After 7 years I thought enough is enough. Perhaps we would have never gotten there if I had started the marriage that way, I just simply thought that it was a faze that would pass. I got tired of waiting for it to pass after 7 years.

Bill

PS I am NOT saying you are like my Ex. Just trying to provide some perspective from the other viewpoint.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

All exes seem to mutate into this entirely new person.

It doesn't say anythinga bout Sparkles--it says a lot about him. 

Nonetheless, he is part of your past now so keep him them.

Move on with the move on!


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