# An Affair. Gonna get a lot of heat for this, but here we go….



## ConfusedandSsd (6 mo ago)

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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

Do unto others as you would yourself. You may be divorced, and that may have soured your view of marriage, but the boundaries still exist. Bad behavior by me killed my marriage. I always look at like what if my wife had done the things I did, to me.

Would you want your spouse to be cheating? You're divorced. It's time to take stock of who you are and get things right in your head... running off and getting into something that requires infidelity is not only wrong, but it isn't very true to yourself... not to mention it's way too soon in my opinion. (I divorced in March and there is absolutely no way I could be in a relationship of any kind at this point)


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

By the way.. you're not doomed for life.. you're just healing, and that healing is going to take some time.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

First, you walked into this affair with your eyes wide open, you knew he was married.

Second, you don’t know or forgot that there are men out there who will say anything to get what they really want … a “side piece”. “I’ve been sexless for years”, “my marriage is all but dead” … yada, yada, boo hoo.

Third, he _targeted_ you for this (called you out of the blue).

Ask yourself why? Why are you “in love” with a man who cheats on his wife and risks the stability of his children’s home? He is a player and a snake. Wake up, block him from ever contacting you again and move on because he will try and contact you again when his “itch needs scratching”.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

Red Sonja said:


> First, you walked into this affair with your eyes wide open, you knew he was married.
> 
> Second, you don’t know or forgot that there are men out there who will say anything to get what they really want … a “side piece”. “I’ve been sexless for years”, “my marriage is all but dead” … yada, yada, boo hoo.
> 
> ...


Couldn't have said it better myself. Your divorce is still fresh.. whether you want to admit it or not, you're vulnerable. Don't fall for this kind of BS. There are actually Men who prey on Women fresh out of a divorce. You need other things in your life right now.. and a married Man is the worst thing you could get tangled with.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

When did you break it off? When was the last time you saw/communicated with him? How long was your first marriage? Kids? Infidelity?


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## ConfusedandSsd (6 mo ago)

RebuildingMe said:


> When did you break it off? When was the last time you saw/communicated with him? How long was your first marriage? Kids? Infidelity?


Broke it off very recently. About a week ago. Haven’t seen him in two weeks. My first marriage was 13 years. Had two kids. Never cheated ever. And I wasn’t cheated on.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

ConfusedandSsd said:


> Broke it off very recently. About a week ago. Haven’t seen him in two weeks. My first marriage was 13 years. Had two kids. Never cheated ever. And I wasn’t cheated on.


I assumed it was only a short time. What are you going to do when he reaches out? Have you blocked him on all SM and devices? If you two have only been hooking up for a few months it may not be a hard habit to break. I suggest meeting single people in single clubs and dating apps so the temptation isn’t there to keep screwing his wife over. Maybe counseling. Set an example for your kids. Good luck OP. You don’t want to be a home wrecker and leave a wake of devastation as you embrace your new single life.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

"I feel absolutely horrible". For yourself...NOT for this losers wife and his kids.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

OP, I hope you stick around. Many get ran off TAM pretty quickly. Get ready and brace yourself. By the way, please know you deserve everything you’re going to get.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Red Sonja said:


> First, you walked into this affair with your eyes wide open, you knew he was married.
> 
> Second, you don’t know or forgot that there are men out there who will say anything to get what they really want … a “side piece”. “I’ve been sexless for years”, “my marriage is all but dead” … yada, yada, boo hoo.
> 
> ...


This!

When I got divorced I had a few married men that I knew casually reach out to me with sob stories. Newly divorced women are often seen as vulnerable.

These scumbags lie all the time. I ignored all of them.


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## ConfusedandSsd (6 mo ago)

RebuildingMe said:


> OP, I hope you stick around. Many get ran off TAM pretty quickly. Get ready and brace yourself. By the way, please know you deserve everything you’re going to get.


Yeah……Thanks for that. I assumed I was going to get some harsh comments. I’m just being honest about my situation here, and I will never make a mistake like this again. I have learned my lesson for damn sure.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

ConfusedandSsd said:


> Broke it off very recently. About a week ago. Haven’t seen him in two weeks. My first marriage was 13 years. Had two kids. Never cheated ever. And I wasn’t cheated on.


So if he was willing to dump his wife and kids would you have broken it off?

You had a guy who lies to his wife and kids. Not a very good prospect.


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## ConfusedandSsd (6 mo ago)

sideways said:


> "I feel absolutely horrible". For yourself...NOT for this losers wife and his kids.


I actually did feel horrible about the whole thing, not just for myself. I was doing something wrong that would hurt people…that’s why I stopped.


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## ConfusedandSsd (6 mo ago)

lifeistooshort said:


> So if he was willing to dump his wife and kids would you have broken it off?
> 
> You had a guy who lies to his wife and kids. Not a very good prospect.


I know. Believe me. Huge mistake. I get it, now.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

ConfusedandSsd said:


> Yeah……Thanks for that. I assumed I was going to get some harsh comments. I’m just being honest about my situation here, and I will never make a mistake like this again. I have learned my lesson for damn sure.


I think you'll find that if you own your behavior and don't make excuses people are pretty supportive, especially if you're now doing the right thing. That doesn't mean you won't hear painful things as you likely need it. But honest and remorseful people are generally treated pretty well.


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

ConfusedandSsd said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> I am new to this community, and I just wanted to share my experience with you….
> 
> ...


I'm not going to lecture you, you know what you did was wrong and you did the right thing by ending it. Your affair was an addiction that made you feel good in the moment, like a hit of crack cocaine. The only way to break an addiction is total and complete abstinence. You will have moments where you weaken and want to reach out to him. Or he contacts you and you want desperately to respond. Total and complete no contact is the only way to get past this and recover some self-respect. Block his phone number, his email address, and from all social media accounts. He has to be dead to you.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

He used you for an extended booty call, probably knew you were emotionally vulnerable coming off your divorce, I doubt it was a coincidence that he called at the end of the month you just got divorced in. Now that he’s had plenty of sex with you he’s ready to work on his marriage.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Hopefully, it was a good lesson in the lies that get told when sex is involved with someone is married. Happens all the time and now it’s over and done with. What you do going forward is what matters. If he should contact you and say he’s divorced (very unlikely), you would need to verify that and not trust what he said. It isn’t likely he will get a divorce because cheaters lie to their AP’s as well as everyone else. I hope you quickly recover and move on to someone more suitable.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Even if he does actually divorce and comes to find you, you do realize he'll do the same thing to you, right? If someone will cheat with you, they'll cheat on you. You'd never be able to trust him. You're not blameless, because you're a grown up with your own brain, but it sure sounds like you were hurting from your divorce and made a very bad choice that you walked away from once you came to your senses. Remember it, but certainly don't let it define you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

And, yes, recently divorced women are targeted by a certain group of men (aka the ones who cheat). Now you know.


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## ConfusedandSsd (6 mo ago)

Thank you all for your input. It confirms that I have a lot of soul searching to do, and to never EVER make a mistake like this again.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

ConfusedandSsd said:


> Thank you all for your input. It confirms that I have a lot of soul searching to do, and to never EVER make a mistake like this again.


Good luck with it all. I really hope you come out the other side of this realising what a louse this guy is. If he'll do it with you, he'll do it to you, no doubt about it. Please don't ever get involved with him again.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

ConfusedandSsd said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> I am new to this community, and I just wanted to share my experience with you….
> 
> ...


I hope you realize he just used you for sex. You fell for his doomed marriage spiel hook line and sinker.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

ConfusedandSsd said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> I am new to this community, and I just wanted to share my experience with you….
> 
> ...


What’s cheating with a married man get you.
Answer: not much


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

You were a side piece and nothing more OP. He deserves to be caught.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

@ConfusedandSsd are you going to inform his wife about what he has been up to? You probably aren't the first, not the last.


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## ConfusedandSsd (6 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> @ConfusedandSsd are you going to inform his wife about what he has been up to? You probably aren't the first, not the last.


Nope. Too much drama already.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ConfusedandSsd said:


> *I hope one day, I get a phone call from him saying he’s divorced.* But I know that’s unrealistic. I went from a bad marriage to a crazy affair. I know that I need help in the love and relationship department. But I feel I’m doomed for life at this point. Ugh.


Why?

So he can cheat on you as well?


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## ConfusedandSsd (6 mo ago)

GusPolinski said:


> Why?
> 
> So he can cheat on you as well?


I know, I know. This has been going through my head the entire time. It’s just a sad situation all around.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ConfusedandSsd said:


> I know, I know. This has been going through my head the entire time. It’s just a sad situation all around.


Which is sadder to you — that he’s cheating on the mother of his children or the realization that he’d do the same to you?

BTW, it seems you don’t speak wayward husband very well, so let me help you —

“I think I should work on my marriage” means “I’m bored with ****ing you”.

🤷🏻‍♂️


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

GusPolinski said:


> BTW, it seems you don’t speak wayward husband very well, so let me help you —
> 
> “I think I should work on my marriage” means “I’m bored with ****ing you”.


He's bored and/or he's found a new conquest that he prefers. It's hard to hear, but it is so true.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

It's my opinion, OP, that you should tell the wife. Not for some petty revenge against him but because she deserves the truth. If you are done with him, as you assert, because you felt bad for her and her kids, then you owe her the truth. You are willing to take your lumps here, but not from who it truly belongs to come from? Good people, or people committed to change, sincerely apologize to those they have wronged, and attempt to remedy the damage. This guy is a serial cheater. You won't be the last unless you do all you can to make yourself the last. He may be able to dupe her countless times before she finds out. Rip the band aid off so she can at least defend herself going forward.


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## So far so good (7 mo ago)

ConfusedandSsd said:


> Before I broke it off, he told me he doesn’t know where he stands in his marriage, and he feels that he should at least try to make it work for the sake of his kids. I agreed.


He told you this to make sure you would tell his wife. It’s like saying “if you tell my wife, you will break my marriage and hurt my children”.

What is most likely is his wife has no idea she’s in a bad marriage. He might have other AP and put his wife (and you) at risk of STDs.
What you should do:

get tested for STD
inform his wife


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> So if he was willing to dump his wife and kids would you have broken it off?
> 
> You had a guy who lies to his wife and kids. Not a very good prospect.


"So if he was willing to dump his wife and kids would you have broken it off"?

GREAT QUESTION!!

No way of ever knowing but more than likely if he dumped his wife OP would still be in a relationship with him.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

It may have been said already but even if he were to divorce its unlikely he'd be in a committed relationship with you. You might still be a booty call option but he'd actually be free to pursue others, so he'll at least temporarily be shopping around to see what he can get.

A guy who is actually single, has explored options and is interested in you above others is a far better bet.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I hope you realize he just used you for sex. You fell for his doomed marriage spiel hook line and sinker.


100%


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

She has some preconceived notion that she is something special to this guy and he played in that to have some nice cake eating. Either his wife caught on, was getting suspicious, or he just got bored with her or they’d still be having sex together. For whatever reason, the sex with her wasn’t worth the trouble.
There is no obstacle great enough to keep two people apart who are actually in love.
OP, you need to wake up and realize you got totally bamboozled by a con man.

I’ll bet my next paycheck that the AP’s wife doesn’t have a clue. She thinks the marriage is ok. Probably thinks it sucks, but ok with it.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

ConfusedandSsd said:


> Thank you all for your input. It confirms that I have a lot of soul searching to do, and to never EVER make a mistake like this again.


"Never EVER make a mistake like this again".

This was NOT a "mistake"!!

A "mistake" is grabbing the wrong bread at the grocery store. Nope. What you did was to make hundreds if not thousands of conscious decisions to do what you did. You knew what you were doing. Knew it was wrong and did it anyway.

Might behoove you to figure out why you did this.

Not saying this to judge you but to help you. Good luck to you.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Since you deleted the post I have no way of knowing but I will leave the typical moral advice.

Did you tell your spouse? Because if you didn't you are still actively abusing them and you are an abusive spouse. Yes just as abusive as one who hits their partner. You are actively preventing them from giving informed consent about their one life. You are removing their agency.

If you want to act like you stopped you need to tell. If not you are still in your affair.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Due to the fact that the OP deleted the opening post this thread is closed


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