# Please help! Newlywed with problems!



## meduza (Jun 6, 2008)

Hi,
I am very desperate for some advise from people on the outside. I can't talk to anyone about this that I know. 

I got married about a year ago, and my husband and I love each other very much. Too much some people would say! We're both very young, and have both had only one serious relationship prior to our marriage. I had a 6 year realtionship and he had a 14 months one, and I left my ex for my husband. I have really not experienced a lot with my ex and my husband was my first in many things, sexaully I mean. Experimenting etc. 

Now, I know it's not heatlhy, but we're both very jeaolus. I have told him the truth about my past and the things I've done. I thought he did too. For some reason, I was always wondering what his ex was like. Crazy, jeaolus woman inside of me would not drop it. 

She has a chat profile on the internet, so I made up a fake one as a guy and got to talking to her. She is a very sexually open, modern woman. At 24 divorced with a kid. Drinks a lot, even agreed to sleep with me, not me but the guy I made up, just from the talk on the internet, and she has not even met him, because he does not exist obviously. I cought her lying about one thing, and do not trust her very much. She called my husband once to see how he is, and lied to me that she did not, and would never. I somehow got all of this out of her without her figuring out who I am. But somehow I got her to talk about all the intimate things she did with my husband while they were dating, she told me all the stories except she said all the opposite of what he told me. For instance, he broke up with her, she said she broke up with him. She cried to him, she says he cried. They were shortly engaged, something his parents never even knew about because he was ashamed of it, he says she begged him for it and she prepared everything, she says he did that. She does not know who I am. Sexual things that he did with me and swore up and down that I am the first woman he did that with, she talks about it how they did it. In detail how he does it with me. So many little details like this, two opposite stories.

How do I confront him? He would be very dissappointed in me if he knew I did this, I do not want him to doubt me, but this is breaking my heart that he lied. Or did he? I don't know. Please help. I am so heartbroken.


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## Liza (Jan 2, 2008)

I know you said she thinks you are a guy, but don't you find it strange that she would reveal all of the detail to a perfect stranger. Is there any possibility she is stringing you along and messing with your head?


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## meduza (Jun 6, 2008)

Liza said:


> I know you said she thinks you are a guy, but don't you find it strange that she would reveal all of the detail to a perfect stranger. Is there any possibility she is stringing you along and messing with your head?


I don't think so. I've been talking to her for 2 months before I even mentioned my husband. She is revealing waaaay too much about herself. She is a beautiful but very stupid girl. Very sexual. All I had to do is talk about sex and she was hooked. I am embarrassed now that I did this to get information out of her, but jealousy took over me. Now I regret it. I found out too much. That's how I asked about my husband, asked her what she did with whom. I did catch her lying. I need to know if she is a pathological liar or my husband, who I love so much and trust. I still want to believe him. But I can't be sure.


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## repunzel (May 31, 2008)

I have been through hell recently in my marriage and going through hell,If you started a new life why would you bring the past back? isnt this life suppose to be a new beginning...in the end he chose you...She maybe lying to you to make herself look superior cause she things you are a guy and to get what she wants....

I would say is forget about her,delete your profile and move on....Live happy everyday with ur husband...

We women at times are very stupid and dont think with our brain but our hearts...our emotions and jealousy get on the way of everything and trust me i have learnt that too the hard way...

I'm going through a very rocky patch where my husband does not even talk to me properly and is in the mode of deciding wether we wants me or not....If u want to screw up what you got than be my guest and continue what you are doing....


Sometimes love makes us do crazy things that we hurt the people we love the most and it turns back to us....

What you have right now,live with it,stop thinking about this stupid woman and think of ur future....You are married now and you dont want to break before the year has ended with stupidity....

Think before you leap...and prayer is very important....always pray to god to give your strength to keep ur marriage alive...a woman who ignores and has dignity for herself and is mysterious in her ways is more interesting than a woman who nags on issues and keeps checking behind her husbands back....

Trust is very important...try building that and forget the PAST and just live happily in your marriage and think of building your future together rather than breaking it...

Goodluck...

ps: Keep urself busy with other activities and pondering your ideas for other ppl here in this forum am sure that is the best way you can help someone rather than keeping busy on some chat line with this girl and reck ur marriage


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## meduza (Jun 6, 2008)

I know you are 100% correct. And I agree with you, but now I can't help but be insecure about who is lying. I want to believe my husband sooo badly. I tried talking to him about some of these things again, try to catch him in a lie, but he seems so sure, swears on his life, God, his mother's life that he is telling me the truth. I just don't want to start out a marriage with bunch of lies. I love him more than anything, but how do I know who is telling the truth?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

You admit you are both jealous people, and it's a difficult way to be within a marriage because you might be tempted to veer from the truth if you think it might cause problems knowing your partner is the jealous type.

I'm not saying it's right, but if he is bending the truth on sexual details etc. he is probably feeling like you put him on the spot if you ask 'did you do that with her? etc' and he's just trying to get out of an uncomfortable situation where he loses either way...tell a lie or get you upset.

And now you are snowballing this with other things that may or may not be true. Bottom line....who cares what he did in the past with her and who said what. He is with you now. Your energy would be much better spent working on letting the past go so he feels comfortable opening up to you. 

The more you press for details the better chance you will push him away eventually...it's a tiring position to be in, especially when you haven't done anything wrong. Everyone has a past. 

If you don't want a marriage based on lies, stop cornering him with all this stuff and embrace him for who he is...which might mean more experience in the sex department but in the end he chose to marry you.


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## repunzel (May 31, 2008)

meduza said:


> I know you are 100% correct. And I agree with you, but now I can't help but be insecure about who is lying. I want to believe my husband sooo badly. I tried talking to him about some of these things again, try to catch him in a lie, but he seems so sure, swears on his life, God, his mother's life that he is telling me the truth. I just don't want to start out a marriage with bunch of lies. I love him more than anything, but how do I know who is telling the truth?


My advice to you once again would be whatever happened in the past happened..You loved the guy and you married him and he wanted you and chose you in the end...

Whatever the story is about them why would you bring her back when he is enjoying his moments with you... REMEMBER " two is a company and three is a crowd"

he mite be saying the truth and she maybe lying or vice versa...did he ever ask you nooky details about you...just forget it...Concentrate on what you have to build a better relation and future...stop letting satan get on the way....dont think negative about your husband...

Woman ppl want to be happy trust me cause i have been through alot of unhappy moments...

There are no lies,forget the past,this is the present and concentrate on the future..

Once again dont out urself low and break what you have....Get on with your life..forget the past...and this silly ****ty woman


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## meduza (Jun 6, 2008)

All of you are so correct, and I do not mind moving past this. I am jealous, but it was before me. I just mind when he lies to me about it. And yes, he has asked me a millions of questions about what I have done. I have been honest though. My only problem now is to know if he is lying. It is not only about sexual things and him not wanting to hurt me, it's about his whole relationship with that woman. I do not want to feel like my husband is making up stories to me to make him self look superior, if he lied about all these unnecessary things then what else did he lie about? At the beginning he would tell me a few things that made me jealous, but ne says he only said it because he hated my 6 year relationship. To see my reaction. Well here it is! 
Then again, he comes from a nice family, she's an easy type of woman who could be obssessed and lying. Thank you all. But I'm still worried and sad.  I want this marriage to work, I truly love him.


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## possum (Jun 4, 2008)

I'm always amazed when I look back sometimes at the things that were going through my head when I was trying to guess what was going on in my partner's head. In the absence of real information, we make up the must ungodly stuff. You've taken it a step further by working really hard to get some decidedly unreliable, heavily colored and clearly biased drivel from your husband's ex. 

Assume everything she tells you is absolutely true and that your husband is lying through his teeth. Assume the absolute worst!

Then ask yourself if you can get past this. How does it affect your life now and your relationship in the future? Does it mean he doesn't love you? Does it mean your marriage is a lie? Does it mean you can't love him anymore? 

You dug this crap up. Whether it's true or not. You now have to deal with it as if it is. Assume the worst of all possible worlds and deal with that. Then back off and start looking at just how likely it is that this worst case scenario really is true. Pick holes in THAT perceived reality rather than trying to pick holes in the one that existed before you introduced this unnecessary complication into both of your lives.


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## meduza (Jun 6, 2008)

Is this something I can get past? Yes, if he tells me the truth. 

When I look at this man, he is the most perfect man in the world to me even with all of his flaws, we all have them. I love him no matter what. 

But after talking to him, asking him to honestly tell me the truth and I will accept it whatever it is, he still looks at me and swears on my own life, his mother's life that he has already told me the truth. I can't help but look at him with sadness and dissappointment that he can't tell me the truth. But how do I even know what the truth is? His ex could be crazy, and wanting to be superior so she tells people the opposite stories, but a few details I can tell she is honest in. Those details my husband lies about too. It's too much for me. Honesty is everything to me. I can't digest the fact that our love would be tested like this. Like I said, I love him no matter what, but this has honestly broken my heart. I don't know if I can be the same towards him because he is still not being truthful. 

I can't confront him by saying how I found out, what I did was deceitful and horrible.


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## repunzel (May 31, 2008)

meduza said:


> Is this something I can get past? Yes, if he tells me the truth.
> 
> When I look at this man, he is the most perfect man in the world to me even with all of his flaws, we all have them. I love him no matter what.
> 
> ...



What will upset break your trust between you and your husband of you going behind his back and doing things that are not appreciative...A woman who is married has to hold her pride up high and dignity and gain respect from her husband...At times when someone lies its for the better of the other...This woman means nothing to him...get on and forget whatever happened...he doesnt see what he had as something interesting and nor you want him to know how you started profiling on the net and got to know this woman...

he will be very upset and trust me you dont want to end up crying...

If one swears on his mothers life and your life because you are two women who mean alot to him than forget it...MOVE ON...

Do not keep grudges and such feelings lingering around it will only make things worse...Have you got anything else to do? Workout perhaps its very good for adrenaline rush and will make you feel happy rather than upset...Ignorance is the best answer to a fool and these thoughts you are having consider a person jealouse trying to break your happiness...beat it,fight it...and work hard to succeed...Think of starting a family together if your both are up for it trust me thats the best one can achieve in life for kids are a blessing....

Dont push him away bring him more closer to you...all this will just cause hurt,pain,confusion and miserability...the ball is in ur court scoring the goal is in your court....:smthumbup:


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## meduza (Jun 6, 2008)

I know all this, thanks to all of you who replied and tried to help me. I just can't help myself. I can't stop thinking about how he lied to me, or maybe he didn't. He seems so sure when he swears to me, but I am not 100% sure in him. It hurts too much to know that there are things that he can't tell me. I'm becoming extremely depressed over this. I can't help it, I wish I could just drop it. I want to tell him so badly what I did and how I found out, but it's unfair how I found out and I can't.


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## repunzel (May 31, 2008)

Goodluck


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

It's unfortunate that you worked yourselves into this situation. 

You need to find a way to let it go. Period.

You brazenly demonstrated your mistrust of him by establishing a false online persona. To what end? To feed your mistrust. The other woman doesn't matter. What he did with the other woman doesn't matter. That he told you that you were his first in the 'Flying Dutchman' position does ... not ... matter.

The place you are in now cannot possibly lead anywhere positive for you and your marriage. 

Hope you can work it out.


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## possum (Jun 4, 2008)

meduza said:


> I can't confront him by saying how I found out, what I did was deceitful and horrible.


Why is it that you expect him to do something you will not do yourself? Is this really the way you want your relationship to work? Can you truly not see the irony and patent unfairness of the situation you've put him into? You poisoned your perception through a 'deceitful' and 'horrible' action and now you will not believe him no matter what he says or does. 

You expect unconditional honesty. 

How would you even know it if you saw it?


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## RelSol1 (Mar 27, 2009)

No doubt, jealousy is playing a huge role. It's hard to fault him and difficult to confront seeing as you've also deceived him. You've gone behind his back without his knowing and tried to do some investigating.

What that shows, first off, is a serious lack of trust between the two of you. 

Now, to the issue of why he would lie to you....First, we aren't sure he's the one lying. It could be his ex. Second, he may be lying to protect you. Many people, men in particular, will lie because they either are afraid of how the other person will act, or they are trying to hurt the other person. 

In this case, it looks like he was trying to avoid confrontation, and try to reveal as little as possible so you wouldn't get hurt. 

there is actually an article that sort of talks about this and other secrets men keep at AdviseCouples.com


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Everybody wants to make themselves look better than they really are to the people they love. Your husband is bending the truth a little bit wanting you to admire him even more, that's all in human nature. Delete your chat profile and find something better to do.


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