# My husband resents it when I spend time with my mom ...



## newbie_wife (Sep 23, 2009)

I come from a very tight nit family. My father died when I was 15 so it has been just my mom and 3 brothers for the past 16 years. We are of Polish descent and speak it fluently in the home. 

My husband is from Vancouver, BC Canada and we live in Ontario. He is very close with his family and speaks to his mom 2-3 times a week. They have a lovely relationship.

I like to go visit my mom and my grandmother (who lives with her now) about once a week. I usually do this when my husband is working late or has plans. I have tried to invite him with us in the past, however, he says that he is bored b/c there is no one there for him to talk to. My mother's first language is Polish and although she speaks English well she isn't the best conversationalist in that language. Her communication skills are much stronger in Polish. 

My husband and I fight all the time about my going to my moms. I get very angry and sad when this happens b/c I feel like if his parents were here I would not be giving him a hard time about it. It makes me loose confidence in our marriage when he cannot accept that I like to spend time with my mom. He makes comments that I am leaving him to be with her and that I'm "always" there. It is very frustrating and it's getting to the point where I'm starting to resent him. What can I do? I've tried explaining to him why the relationship is important to me but he always has a rebuttal that turns the conversation into why I'm not at home. I only see her once a week!

Has anyone had a similar experience or can share any wisdom?


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## WantsHappiness (Jun 17, 2009)

Two things. First, your husband is your immediate family now and it is no longer you and your mom against the world. That dynamic changes when you get married. That’s not to say you can’t have a close relationship with your mom, you absolutely can, but your husband has to come first and he needs to feel like he comes first. 

I had a situation that is somewhat similar to yours except that my husband would get jealous of the attention I pay to our dog. Much more trivial than what you’re dealing with but it’s the same concept. When we really started discussing this issue it came out that it’s not how well I treat the dog that bothers him, he likes that about me, rather it’s that I give the dog more affection than I give him. I didn’t even realize it until I paid close attention to how I react to my husband and the dog when I walk in the door after work. The dog gets immediate affection and attention because he’s a dog and he’s right there in front of me wagging his tail. On the other hand my husband usually got a greeting but some days was lucky to get a kiss hello let alone a pleasant greeting. 

My point is that your husband might be feeling like he’s not important to you and it’s possible that you just need to make sure he knows how important he really is. Pay attention to how you regard your husband compared to your mom. Also, maybe you could set some time aside with him on a weekly basis that’s just for the two of you similar to the way the time spent with your mom and grandmother is just for the three of you. I personally don’t think that seeing your mom once a week is too much but if he feels neglected as a result it’s something you need to take seriously as opposed to digging your heels in.


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