# Help me - i'm going insane!!



## mooseantlers (Aug 26, 2010)

My wife and I have been married for 35 years. I truthfully love her with every fiber of my body, but somehow i'm afraid things have changed.

After seeing several of our friends go through divorces because of one spouse cheating on the other, we vowed we'd never do anything like that to each other.

We'd been married for about 6 years when, in a fit of tears, she admitted that she'd done an all-nighter with a co-worker of mine. I was devistated for years!! When she told me about it, she also offered a divorce, separation or whatever it was that I wanted. After a week, I decided that our daughter needed 2 parents & not 1; I also informed her that I no longer trusted her. However, for a number of years, i'd always use that against her whenever we got into a fight. At least until she lit in to me about either stopping or she was going to file for a divorce and cite abuse and the reason.

As time went on (11 years or so), we began to drink very heavily. At one point, I got sick of us fighting all the time and pleaded with her that we need to change our ways. She did, for a week, then went back to it. That's when I did my thing with a co-worker. I admitted to it a week later. She cried, then forgave me.

It's been 13 years since then. We've limited our drinks to a couple beers so that is not a problem.

However, about 4 months ago, I went to work very sick & came home about 2 hours later. That's when she lit in to me about me being a lazy bastard, she sick of me and wants to sell our house and get a divorce. WHAT??

She quit wearing her wedding rings (but I haven't). Neither one of us will move out - nor file for divorce. She's since changed her tune to a separation . . she does care about me - but that's it. The spark is gone and she's had enough. 

Was told that our daughter, now in her 30's, has been kept informed. Obviously I called her & was told that 'mom' is fed up with us not going any where other than to work. She's also tired of me falling asleep on the couch. I'm very sorry about that last part, but I have to get up and be to work by 5:30am. I started taking a nap so I could at least visit with her when she got home at 11:30pm. From the way I could see things, she was right. We don't spend any time together. Hell, we hardly see each other! Our daughter said she asked that 1 question, have you found someone else and was emphatically told no. I also asked her and was told that she'd made a mistake once in her life & would never do it again.

I've also been the recipient of a hell of lot less sex that normal. Maybe once in a great while.

We started doing things together. Hiking, driving around and taking photos. Even a couple of 1 week vacations. The sex was great too!!

What got to me occurred yesterday.

She had to work, I had the day off and vowed to clean out our junk drawer. She'd been at work for a couple of hours when I started & as I sifted through the crap, I came upon a envelope with a greeting card and 'something else inside'. Not knowing that the heck it was, I opened it up and found it was a birthday card to her. The other stuff were 'love notes' from the guy that gave her the card. All them were addressed to 'angel eyes' and most were 1-liners about how often he thinks about her, etc. A couple of these notes are dated back to February. The longest one about killed me. Seriously!! Had it not been for a friend of mine almost 1000 miles away, i'd have taken a gun to myself and ended this all.

The note, again addressed to 'angel eyes' stated that the last 6 months have made him feel new again. He had been hoping to see her 'Sunday' but there is a problem. He'd seen us together a couple days beforehand, knows we still have something going on and refused to a part of it. He told her that he'd like to remain friends, but that was it.

I went into a fit. Now i'm convinced that she's been having an affair with this guy - and explains a lot of things. She got home at 11:30pm, I started to talk to her about something and as usual, called her 'babe'. Then I changed that 'or should I call you 'angel eyes'? 

She thought i'd cracked up but I didn't care. I calmly asked if she's been having an affair with him and was told no. Oh really? I pulled out the envelope and read the notes back to her. So now you know why i'm asking you this. I want a 100% honest answer. I know you made a mistake years ago, so did I. You told me you'd never do anything like that & later you admitted that you had. Are you having, or did you have an affair with him. Is that the reason you want a divorce, no longer wear wedding rings and have all but cut me off from having sex with you? She swears that she is not, nor ever had any type of affair with him. And as for having sex, he's admitted that he can't do his thing because he's impotent. They are only friends and he's enjoyed having a woman to talk to.

I'm not sure what to believe. She's still here and we are still together - for the time being. I tossed the card & notes in the trash but I found them partially hidden on her dresser.

Sorry that this is so long, but i'm in need of some advice in the worse way.


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## examinerdeby (Aug 22, 2010)

Because of the length of time that mistrust has been an issue in your marriage, my best advice is to see a marriage counselor. You have years of hurt feelings and anger to sort through and so does she. This is a process that takes quite a while but is well worth it if you want your marriage to heal and your relationship to grow stronger.

Right now, you're in a cycle where you both live from argument to argument and try to catch your breath in between. The problem with this is that the hurt feelings, the anger, the disgust, the suspicion and pain does not go away... it is compounded each time another issue comes up.

If you are religious, then many churches in different denominations offer free marital counseling for couples in trouble when money is an issue. Also, many psychologists counsel married people for various rates and if you can't afford a psychologist or a marriage counselor then just ask them who they recommend that can help you for a less expensive price or free. Regular counselors are usually 'in the know' about others in their field who help people that can't afford this.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Sounds like she checked out of the marriage a while ago.

If you can't get her to go to a marriage counselor, go alone and figure out what to do.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, she's definitely cheating. What do you want? To stay married?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

“And as for having sex, he's admitted that he can't do his thing because he's impotent”.

You now know your wife has deceived and lied to you. Why on earth do you believe the above? The guy who came into my house was gay, yeh righto. They come up with all kinds of deceptions and lies at these times and they are very clever with it.

Best of luck.

Bob


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