# Trying to make the right choice...



## Halo-of-Sorrow (May 4, 2009)

I met my husband on the net nearly four years ago now. We were married just less than a year ago. I love my husband so very dearly... he is my best friend, I trust him, and he supports me. However, I feel no sexual desire towards him. I am an extremely intimate, sexual, passionate person... this is so confusing for me...

I had been pressuring myself sexually with my husband since before we were married. I was never in the mood, and couldn't understand why as I always used to be. I would try to trick my body into being in the mood and I would feel physical pain in my abdomen while trying to get myself in the mood to be with him. On our honeymoon we had sex twice and it wasn't any good. I don't like kissing my husband unless it is a peck. I'll hug him but I don't like touching him much more than that.

Just about a month ago... I started looking around for a man to talk to... to tease... to find my sexuality again. I found someone, and it did everything I wanted it to... but then we decided to meet. His touch felt like everything I could have imagined and ten times more. I never could climax from penetration before and now I always can. I love being in his arms and touching his body. I love kissing and exploring. I understand some of this is because it is new. But I think it is more.

Within a few days of sleeping with my new partner, I asked my husband for divorce. He went away for a while and I was sure divorce was necessary. I have not told my husband about the infidelity. After about a month away I started to get so terrified by the thought of being alone, about being able to afford our apartment on my own. It just might not be possible even if my husband has been on unemployment for over a year. I also miss him. Miss talking to him, having him everywhere I go, having his support and love. In any case he came home, gave me the ultimatum of... 

1) he leaves again and we're doing the divorce, 2) he stays and I have some more time to decide if I want to work on things or, 3) he stays and we work on things.

I immediately took 1-the divorce, immediately off the table. He keeps asking me why I don't love him enough to at least seek the professional help and see if we can make our marriage work. And I just can't think of a good reason, except that I don't know if I can give this other man up. I know I am being so selfish, but I feel so divided between my heart and my body...

I want it to work... but I feel like I've been fighting my sexuality for nearly four years now trying to make myself sexually interested in someone I'm not. He deserves beter, especially now that I've cheated... What should I do? Should I tell my husband that I've cheated? I really want to spare him any extra pain.


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## BSHAW27 (May 4, 2009)

How does he feel about your sex life? Did he think everything was ok before the seperation or was sex something that you fought about?


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## Halo-of-Sorrow (May 4, 2009)

There was a great deal of disagreement in regards to our sex-life. He always felt it was lacking, but was trying his best not to push me. I was taking a medication and we both thought it was the culperate for my lack of interest. I went to the doctor and got new medication that did not work as well, tried supplements to counter the side-effects, and finally decided to give up and get off them all together. Although it is very well-known for that side effect. While I was still on it was when I was finding myself interested in someone else, thus showing me that it was more than just me. That it was something with us together. And I feel awful for my husband who deserves to be wanted/desired... so I tried to do it at least once per week out of guilt. Forcing myself was causing me physical pain. But once I had seen how truly far off we were was the night I asked for a divorce. 

I agree I suck as a human being at this point and that I haven't been fair, but I really am trying to make things right for both of us...


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