# Rock & hard place



## discern (Jan 1, 2013)

Recap - so I discovered she'd been having an affair in May 2012. She "threw her toys out of the pram" and rather accused me for not listening. It is not true I do not listen BUT that she has a very strong fear of talking thru issues, and since we get married in Oct 2001, she checked out of the marriage emotionally. We are now both 41.

It was a marriage where if she spoke to me for 2 weeks, I felt it was a miracle. I hung onto my faith to get thru each day of the marriage. Hence discovering the affair was devastating. 

Nonetheless, 1 year after discovering the affair, the emotional hurt ceased. She knows she has issues talking thru her feelings BUT still blames me AND will not talk thru my hurt. She is a social prowess, which means all our friends and some of mine have stopped talking to me, she has twisted and manipulated the truth in her favour - it feels depressing. My work performance over the last 20 months has dipped big time.

I want to divorce, but I am scared of the effect on the kids, the social backlash and the loneliness. On the other hand, I want to stay bse of the boys (8 and 5) but I also feel numbing terror at the thought of living in such a marriage again. The people I have spoken to keep saying either of 2 things, "You are holding on to the affair - let it go - forgive and forget" OR "Just stay for the sake of the kids, she will change later in life and everything will be ok." My challenge is she does not even acknowledge she needs to change, at the MCs she manipulated the truths which made the sessions unproductive. I was ready to stay and put every effort to make the marriage work BUT she will not talk thru issues. So the emotional abandonment continues.

I decided on divorce but the pain each day and the fear of the unknown sometimes overwhelms me already - and causes me to stall BUT in the meantime, my life has been spiralling down.

I know God prefers reconciliation YET the fear of such marriage is making me run from Him. LIMBO is a terrible place to be in.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

If she has been having an affair, and not just a one-off mistake - a sin for which she sought forgiveness for example, then she has broken her vows before God.

This annuls your responsibility.

If I were God, I would be super angry with her, and I wouldn't want you to stay with her. That would be like encouraging sin.
That would be like saying 'you know, church vows don't matter.'

Your community is advising you wrongly. They are advocating hypocrisy. 

Ditch that therapist. She (doubtlessly) has already sussed out that she won't change, you won't leave; therefore she is adapting her advice to getting you to take the blame and just put up with her cheating.

If you've got boys, they need to see a man being assertive; if you've got girls they need to see that there are consequences for lying and adultery.

Get all the evidence of the affair, and protect yourself. With right on your side, you'll win.


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## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

Discern,

I too know what it is like dealing with a master manipulator. What you need to understand is that "they can fool some of the people all of the time, but they can't fool all of the people all of the time". In other words, who cares that she is lying and twisting the truth to her benefit. That is what they do... but it is an impossible charade to maintain.

As long as you keep your head up and _always_ do what you know is right, eventually her whole house of cards will fall down around her ears. Meanwhile you will still sleep at night knowing you were a good and honorable person. If you stay true to yourself you can shrug off the negative opinions of others.

Follow Sandfly's advice. Do not interact with her any more than necessary (that personality type hates that). Focus on you and being happy. She has relieved you of your vows. My advice is to run as fast as you can... no one will ever be happy with someone like her (if she is anything like mine was) because she is not happy with herself. She will always lie and manipulate everything so that it isn't her fault.

Run, brother. Be the best man you can be and don't worry about what anyone thinks.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Emotional detachment added to the betrayal of infidelity, IMHO, does not add up to R, much less the sustenance of a loving marital union. You deserve far better!

File for D immediately and seek primary custody of your kids!*


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## discern (Jan 1, 2013)

Thanks a great deal for the responses, it helps to know that I am not crazy and what I am feeling is absolutely normal.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

Good man.

You deserve better, and God doesn't require any man to live like Job, when the object of all that sacrifice is undeserving of it.

I sincerely believe that this could even be a positive thing in the end, in the sense that by finding out sooner at 41 - when you still have at least a decade and a half of good chances of finding someone just right for you -

Better now than later to go looking for a good woman.

You got it all to look forward to... tell you what - past forty, she's the one who will struggle to find someone decent, not you ! Seriously - She does not know what a mistake she's made at her time in life ! Men are marriageable at any time... not so women!

These ladies don't think about that fact till it's too late


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