# Ultimatum



## Sunshine03251962 (Jan 6, 2022)

Husband gave me ultimatum. He told me I have to do bdsm or get out. We have kids and I don’t work. He has always been miserable in the marriage nothing I tried has ever been enough to please him. The form of bdsm he needs is full body tie up and super tight which I am not comfortable with. We have been together 20 years but married 13 years. He never really knew bdsm was his thing until a few years ago. He said he needs to tie a women up since that is his deepest form of connection with someone that he longs for. I have asked him if we can stay married without it and he says he can’t live his life longing for that deep connection since it will bring him great sadness knowing he never got that with someone. He said it is his life long goal/desire/interest to do bdsm with a female he is deeply connected with and since I am not comfortable doing it, he can’t connect with me on a deep level and refuses to miss out. What do I do?


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## Helping Hand (Sep 8, 2020)

Sunshine03251962 said:


> Husband gave me ultimatum. He told me I have to do bdsm or get out. We have kids and I don’t work. He has always been miserable in the marriage nothing I tried has ever been enough to please him. The form of bdsm he needs is full body tie up and super tight which I am not comfortable with. We have been together 20 years but married 13 years. He never really knew bdsm was his thing until a few years ago. He said he needs to tie a women up since that is his deepest form of connection with someone that he longs for. I have asked him if we can stay married without it and he says he can’t live his life longing for that deep connection since it will bring him great sadness knowing he never got that with someone. He said it is his life long goal/desire/interest to do bdsm with a female he is deeply connected with and since I am not comfortable doing it, he can’t connect with me on a deep level and refuses to miss out. What do I do?


There is nothing wrong if hes expressing his desire. I believe you both love each other and are committed, so, you can try it out once but can ask him not to tie hard if its hurting any of your body part.

More on your reply.


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## Helping Hand (Sep 8, 2020)

You can try to think from his perspective as well. What if its the other way round ?

If you have any kind of desire then even you can ask him to fulfill it.

Dont forget : BDSM is way better than anyone asking to have threesome, trust me !


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## Sunshine03251962 (Jan 6, 2022)

Helping Hand said:


> There is nothing wrong if hes expressing his desire. I believe you both love each other and are committed, so, you can try it out once but can ask him not to tie hard if its hurting any of your body part.
> 
> More on your reply.
> 
> ...


Hi, I have tried it out and it traumatized me. I would even cry during it. He tried working with me and we came to a middle ground of having the rope not so tight where I am able to get out if need be. Issue is he is gaining nothing knowing I can get out in my own. He wants the control to let me out. The entire thing terrifies me. I have laid there fully bound, gagged and blind folded crying my eyes out and depressed for days after


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## Sunshine03251962 (Jan 6, 2022)

Helping Hand said:


> You can try to think from his perspective as well. What if its the other way round ?
> 
> If you have any kind of desire then even you can ask him to fulfill it.
> 
> ...


Hi, he does not want to be tied. He only wants to tie me


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## Helping Hand (Sep 8, 2020)

Sunshine03251962 said:


> Hi, I have tried it out and it traumatized me. I would even cry during it. He tried working with me and we came to a middle ground of having the rope not so tight where I am able to get out if need be. Issue is he is gaining nothing knowing I can get out in my own. He wants the control to let me out. The entire thing terrifies me. I have laid there fully bound, gagged and blind folded crying my eyes out and depressed for days after


I really wonder Why was 50 shades of grey movie released.


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## Helping Hand (Sep 8, 2020)

Sunshine03251962 said:


> Hi, I have tried it out and it traumatized me. I would even cry during it. He tried working with me and we came to a middle ground of having the rope not so tight where I am able to get out if need be. Issue is he is gaining nothing knowing I can get out in my own. He wants the control to let me out. The entire thing terrifies me. I have laid there fully bound, gagged and blind folded crying my eyes out and depressed for days after


Thats really bad of him. Be firm with your decision and tell him to what extent you are okay to do BDSM. You have tried to compromise at some extent so now its his turn to do the same.

If hes not willing to do so then yes better to get seperated. Its baseless if this thing is priority in life for him.


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## Sunshine03251962 (Jan 6, 2022)

Helping Hand said:


> Thats really bad of him. Be firm with your decision and tell him to what extent you are okay to do BDSM. You have tried to compromise at some extent so now its his turn to do the same.
> 
> If hes not willing to do so then yes better to get seperated. Its baseless if this thing is priority in life for him.
> 
> ...


Yes, bdsm is his priority over everything. After being tormented doing it so much, I have 0 interest in doing any form of it now. Even the thought of it triggers me. Before I was pressured into it, I thought maybe just tying the hands lightly would be fine but nope even that now triggers me and he also gains nothing unless I am full body bound, immobile and tigger tight.


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## Helping Hand (Sep 8, 2020)

Sunshine03251962 said:


> Yes, bdsm is his priority over everything. After being tormented doing it so much, I have 0 interest in doing any form of it now. Even the thought of it triggers me. Before I was pressured into it, I thought maybe just tying the hands lightly would be fine but nope even that now triggers me and he also gains nothing unless I am full body bound, immobile and tigger tight.


Chillax ! He’s blackmailing you because even he’s aware no other female would satisfy his such desire. Its good to watch such stuff in movies / porn but not in real life.

You just keep your calm and stop talking to him. Also, ask him to file a divorce for this reason. I am sure he will be surprised with your this answer.


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## Sunshine03251962 (Jan 6, 2022)

Helping Hand said:


> Chillax ! He’s blackmailing you because even he’s aware no other female would satisfy his such desire. Its good to watch such stuff in movies / porn but not in real life.
> 
> You just keep your calm and stop talking to him. Also, ask him to file a divorce for this reason. I am sure he will be surprised with your this answer.
> 
> ...


Unfortuanlty that did not work. I have tried that one. I filed for divorce/separated for a few months and he was totally ok with it. He even downloaded tinder and other hook up apps to look to do bdsm with someone. He is not just black mailing. He is dead serious that he needs bdsm or we are done


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Done sounds good to me. Blackmailing your wife is disgusting. What a pig.

Weren’t you here a few months ago with the same question?


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## Sunshine03251962 (Jan 6, 2022)

Mr.Married said:


> Done sounds good to me. Blackmailing your wife is disgusting. What a pig.
> 
> Weren’t you here a few months ago with the same question?


Yes and we separated as a result because I put my foot down to saying I can’t do bdrm anymore. It tormented me. He regrets being so forceful and going about it wrong since now he realized all that did was terrify his wife to the point can’t go near bdsm. So it’s his loss. Issue is, because the bdsm is so powerful for him, he can’t live without it and I can’t partake. I feel helpless now and don’t know what else to do.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Sunshine03251962 said:


> Yes and we separated as a result because I put my foot down to saying I can’t do bdrm anymore. It tormented me. He regrets being so forceful and going about it wrong since now he realized all that did was terrify his wife to the point can’t go near bdsm. So it’s his loss. Issue is, because the bdsm is so powerful for him, he can’t live without it and I can’t partake. I feel helpless now and don’t know what else to do.


Don’t do it... that’s nuts. There are a few people here that are well into that lifestyle but I’m quite sure they will tell you your husband is full of himself and nowhere’s near a genuine practitioner nor has a real understanding of how that operates. He is being a bully and nothing more.


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## Sunshine03251962 (Jan 6, 2022)

Mr.Married said:


> Don’t do it... that’s nuts. There are a few people here that are well into that lifestyle but I’m quite sure they will tell you your husband is full of himself and nowhere’s near a genuine practitioner nor has a real understanding of how that operates. He is being a bully and nothing more.


I agree. It’s just devastating being together this long and it has to end this way. Of course I would love to be cared for by someone and it’s just hard accepting he is not that person. He is all ive known.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Let’s review three adjectives you used:

tormented
Helpless
Terrified 

He is a f’ing wife abuser ..... plain and simple.


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## Sunshine03251962 (Jan 6, 2022)

Mr.Married said:


> Let’s review three adjectives you used:
> 
> tormented
> Helpless
> ...


Yes it’s just now accepting we are done and how to move forward.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sunshine03251962 said:


> Hi, I have tried it out and it traumatized me. I would even cry during it. He tried working with me and we came to a middle ground of having the rope not so tight where I am able to get out if need be. Issue is he is gaining nothing knowing I can get out in my own. He wants the control to let me out. The entire thing terrifies me. I have laid there fully bound, gagged and blind folded crying my eyes out and depressed for days after


Good grief, dont let him force you into this. I cant believe anyone would think it was ok to make their spouse so upset and traumatized.
Please please dont let this happen again. You must be able to have clear boundaries of what you will or wont accept and to be honest this stuff about how he cant connect deeply unless you are bound tight, gagged and blindfolded is nonsense. Probably just using this excuse to pressure you to do it.
If he will leave you for refusing this then what does that say about him? If he is fine with you in clear distress, what does that say about him? It may even make him more aroused seeing you upset which is disturbing in itself. 

This is very distressing. Dont let anyone force you to do something that is so distressing for you. If he leaves then let him leave, that is on him.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mr.Married said:


> Let’s review three adjectives you used:
> 
> tormented
> Helpless
> ...


Absolutely, its very troubling.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sunshine03251962 said:


> Yes and we separated as a result because I put my foot down to saying I can’t do bdrm anymore. It tormented me. He regrets being so forceful and going about it wrong since now he realized all that did was terrify his wife to the point can’t go near bdsm. So it’s his loss. Issue is, because the bdsm is so powerful for him, he can’t live without it and I can’t partake. I feel helpless now and don’t know what else to do.


Good for you. 
Of course he can live without it, he chooses not to. He chooses to destroy his family rather than living without it. Choosing that over you and his children is so sad.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sunshine03251962 said:


> Unfortuanlty that did not work. I have tried that one. I filed for divorce/separated for a few months and he was totally ok with it. He even downloaded tinder and other hook up apps to look to do bdsm with someone. He is not just black mailing. He is dead serious that he needs bdsm or we are done


Then let him go. He has shown you where his priorities lie. He doesn't 'need' it, he wants it. What an idiot.


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## Sunshine03251962 (Jan 6, 2022)

Diana7 said:


> Good for you.
> Of course he can live without it, he chooses not to. He chooses to destroy his family rather than living without it. Choosing that over you and his children is so sad.


I have tried explaining that to him but he doesn’t see it. He sees it that he refuses to live the rest of his life knowing he can’t reach his lifelong goal of tying women up. He wants to be happy and clearly that’s his only way


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

kick his demented ass to the curb sunshine. Let him try to make his bdsm lifestyle work with the money he has left every month. If you had a place to go,I'd suggest tying him to the bed and then leave him there.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sunshine03251962 said:


> I have tried explaining that to him but he doesn’t see it. He sees it that he refuses to live the rest of his life knowing he can’t reach his lifelong goal of tying women up. He wants to be happy and clearly that’s his only way


His mind is skewed sadly. Its very sad for you and the children. The fact that as soon as you separated he was fine about looking for a stranger to tie up shows that its not about this deep connection for him.


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## Sunshine03251962 (Jan 6, 2022)

Diana7 said:


> His mind is skewed sadly. Its very sad for you and the children. The fact that as soon as you separated he was fine about looking for a stranger to tie up shows that its not about this deep connection for him.


He never got to tie someone up because he couldn’t get any connection with them to even get to the point of tying them. He says he wants it with one person passionately and deeply. He wasn’t having any luck with even carrying on conversations with female to see if he could connect with to form a deeper connection


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Sunshine03251962 said:


> Unfortuanlty that did not work. I have tried that one. I filed for divorce/separated for a few months and he was totally ok with it. He even downloaded tinder and other hook up apps to look to do bdsm with someone. He is not just black mailing. He is dead serious that he needs bdsm or we are done


He was ok with it because it gave him the opportunity to find someone else to do it. If he has trouble finding success, you would have more power with your "threat". I put that in quotations because he probably sensed you were bluffing. 
Why did you not follow through with the divorce? 
If he needs something you are not willing to provide, follow through with it.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

The way you reacted to it if he still wants to do it to you he’s warped. Good riddance IMO.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Sunshine03251962 said:


> Husband gave me ultimatum. He told me I have to do bdsm or get out. We have kids and I don’t work. He has always been miserable in the marriage nothing I tried has ever been enough to please him. The form of bdsm he needs is full body tie up and super tight which I am not comfortable with. We have been together 20 years but married 13 years. He never really knew bdsm was his thing until a few years ago. He said he needs to tie a women up since that is his deepest form of connection with someone that he longs for. I have asked him if we can stay married without it and he says he can’t live his life longing for that deep connection since it will bring him great sadness knowing he never got that with someone. He said it is his life long goal/desire/interest to do bdsm with a female he is deeply connected with and since I am not comfortable doing it, he can’t connect with me on a deep level and refuses to miss out. What do I do?


Sorry, but forcing someone to do something they aren’t comfortable for his own needs with isn’t something a person does to a loved one. Since he is into ultimatums, a trip to an attorney is appropriate for you IMHO.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

He does not have a deep connection with you. I find this deeply disturbing and absolutely sickening.

Get away from this guy as quickly as possible.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

If he let you sit there crying and begging and it did not turn him off this idea it’s beyond wanting to tie you. It’s wanting to terrorize you which means it will escalate.

you need to leave him.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Anastasia6 said:


> If he let you sit there crying and begging and it did not turn him off this idea it’s beyond wanting to tie you. It’s wanting to terrorize you which means it will escalate.
> 
> you need to leave him.


It may have turned him on and yes, it may not stop there.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sunshine03251962 said:


> He never got to tie someone up because he couldn’t get any connection with them to even get to the point of tying them. He says he wants it with one person passionately and deeply. He wasn’t having any luck with even carrying on conversations with female to see if he could connect with to form a deeper connection


It's horrible for you but in your place I would get legal advise.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

The thing is that had he told you about this when you were dating you could have ended it then. You didn't get told this until after you were married with children so were sort of stuck. 
I suspect he has been feeding this with porn so has made it stronger.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Sunshine03251962 said:


> He never got to tie someone up because he couldn’t get any connection with them to even get to the point of tying them. He says he wants it with one person passionately and deeply. He wasn’t having any luck with even carrying on conversations with female to see if he could connect with to form a deeper connection


You know this, but your husband is a broken piece of crap wife abuser. The faster you divorce the better. And wish him luck finding a woman that will allow him to torture her while he achieves his life long dream of deep connection with someone through the use of pain and torture.

Is it safe to assume you husband is a regular user of porn? He is really effed up.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Any guy who thinks so much with his **** that your discomfort and trauma is a secondary concern is not deeply connected to you and never will be. I doubt a man so lacking in empathy is capable of deeply connecting to anyone. Remember that he's willing to break up his kids family over his ****.

Let him do his thing on Timder....that is no where you go to connect. That's where you go to get your rocks off. Porn and tinder is not going to result in a deep connection.

Get a pitbull lawyer who will get you alimony and child support, and then depending on their advice start looking for a job. This is why it's so risky for women to not be working.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Sunshine03251962 said:


> I have tried explaining that to him but he doesn’t see it.* He sees it that he refuses to live the rest of his life knowing he can’t reach his lifelong goal of tying women up. *He wants to be happy and clearly that’s his only way


If this weren't so sad, I would be lmao. Why does your husband feel so emasculated? Why does he hate women so much? 

It really isn't a lifelong goal since he only discovered his love of bdsm a few years ago. Fantasies born of porn strike again. Since he has never been happy, set him free so he can learn what real life and love is all about. The sooner, the better.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

So his way of showing you that he's deeply connected to you is by victimizing you? He's a sick twisted **** and I wouldn't doubt it if he has ventured into the territory of becoming a sexual predator if he isn't already.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Well this sounds absolutely horrible. I am so sorry you are dealing with this.


What really gets me out of this whole scenario is his unwillingness to have you tie his ass up as well. Isn't the whole bdsm thing supposed to be about taking turns? What a hypocrite. So he can dish out the pain but can't take it himself. 

Does he care about your children? Does he think about anyone but himself? Can he not recognize emotionally abusing you will harm his children? 

Your best option is to leave. No question.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

LATERILUS79 said:


> What really gets me out of this whole scenario is *his unwillingness *to have you tie his ass up as well.


How many guys who are into anal willingly submit to their partners using a dildo up their rear? It is all about conquering the all-powerful little woman. Pathetic.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> How many guys who are into anal willingly submit to their partners using a dildo up their rear? It is all about conquering the all-powerful little woman. Pathetic.


Honestly? I have no clue. This kind of stuff isn't really talked about in my small circles. 

I'm no dummy. I know there are pathetic guys out there that are all about conquering women. I would consider them worthless. The vast majority of men I know are quality individuals and treat women with respect.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Sunshine03251962 said:


> Husband gave me ultimatum. He told me I have to do bdsm or get out.


I'd say get out!!! This is the stuff serial killers are made of.

Or, tell him, "Ok, but its going to be the other way around, I'll tie you up and beat the ever loving dogs*** out of you and shove a cobra up your ass".




> He said he needs to tie a women up since that is his deepest form of connection with someone that he longs for.





> What do I do?


Seriously, he is a freak and I fear you are in danger. Document everything he is demanding of you, get an attorney, and get the hell out of there. Do you have means for a decent job? Also, this is not the kind of man I'd want my kids around if I was a woman.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Any spouse that would try to impose a fetish of this nature upon their spouse is a true POS.
This goes beyond something harmless like wearing thigh highs during sex. This is about victimizing you.
You need to develop an exit plan quickly and utilize it.
If he feels that strongly about BDSM and you don't, then it is clear that you are not compatible.
Since this is the case, he needs the freedom to go out and find his fantasy, and you need the autonomy to move on with your life.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Time to look out for yourself and your children. He sounds so selfish that he could become dangerous. I would disclose the true reason for the divorce to family, friends, etc. before he can rewrite history and blame the end of the "marriage" on you. Let everyone else know what he's really about, so they can protect /distance themselves accordingly.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Sunshine03251962 said:


> Unfortuanlty that did not work. I have tried that one. I filed for divorce/separated for a few months and he was totally ok with it. *He even downloaded tinder and other hook up apps to look to do bdsm with someone.* He is not just black mailing. He is dead serious that he needs bdsm or we are done


THAT right there proves that this has NOTHING to do with his desire to achieve an emotional connection with you!

If he wants you blindfolded, the psychological implications is that he does NOT want to be seen. He wants privacy and control in order to achieve his pleasure. He likely wants you completely immobilized so that all your body language is muted (as in it likely distracts him from enjoying himself if you are sending signals of not enjoying the experience). 

This desire has nothing to do with you. It is all about him wanting to be alone and not allowing you to see him or communicate back with him while he allows himself to seek pleasure by using your body. Thus the reason he does not want you to tie him up because you would be able to SEE him which is sad. 

You are within your rights to say no. You are probably within your rights to claim that he is blackmailing you into an abusive situation. Try to get his ultimatum in a way that can be documented by a lawyer because you will likely need it.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Sunshine03251962 said:


> Husband gave me ultimatum. He told me I have to do bdsm or get out. We have kids and I don’t work. He has always been miserable in the marriage nothing I tried has ever been enough to please him. The form of bdsm he needs is full body tie up and super tight which I am not comfortable with. We have been together 20 years but married 13 years. He never really knew bdsm was his thing until a few years ago. He said he needs to tie a women up since that is his deepest form of connection with someone that he longs for. I have asked him if we can stay married without it and he says he can’t live his life longing for that deep connection since it will bring him great sadness knowing he never got that with someone. He said it is his life long goal/desire/interest to do bdsm with a female he is deeply connected with and since I am not comfortable doing it, he can’t connect with me on a deep level and refuses to miss out. What do I do?


My take is that if you didn't do it before the marriage, you shouldn't have to do it after the marriage.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I'm really waiting for @maquiscat to arrive. 
What your husband is demanding is not BDSM. It is also not safe. He has no experience, he has not even done the research. Take the Ultimatum at it's face value and get yourself a good lawyer.

I've made it no secret here that I am a submissive, What you husband is proposing would be fun for me, IF I was attracted to him (never been attracted to men) IF he took concern for my safety (he doesn't) IF I had a deep connection to him Before the scene (not every sub needs this, but my needs would have to be taken into consideration). 

In your case I see an upside-down trust relationship. He has lost your trust. All of the bluster, or begging or ultimatums in the world will not give you enough trust to try this again. His hope is misplaced because he doesn't know the first thing about what he is trying to do.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

I have to concur with @Mr. Nail. I'm not part of the lifestyle but have researched it.

Calling this BDSM is why people think badly of BDSM, and it is a gross misrepresentation of BDSM. What your husband did to you is rape, and it sounds like rather than a "deep emotional connection," he wants someone who won't press charges. If you were crying and begging and he didn't stop, that is NOT bondage, it's rape. In BDSM, the submissive says the safe word and everything stops. If the submissive isn't enjoying it, then the dominant wouldn't either. BDSM is not about pain, it's not about power, it's about trust. And at this point for you to trust this man is almost as foolish as it is dangerous. 

You say that you separated and he felt no sadness. I cannot imagine what would make you get back together with him. I doubt that he loves anyone at all, to be honest, and I don't think your kids are safe around him. You need to get out, and go to the police and tell them you believe he is a potential danger. You can talk to them about it without pressing charges, it's important to file a report so there is documentation about it. This is for a safety net and for the divorce that you need to get NOW. I agree with the poster that said to tell EVERYONE you know what happened and why you're divorcing. As embarrassing as it is to talk about your sex life like that, you have to, for your own safety. Get away from this person and never look back.

And do not ever allow yourself to be someone's submissive in real life again. Get a job, get a network of friends and your own power structure around your life before you even THINK of dating again. You're more traumatized than you know.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Another kink born in porn,
and another CD shoehorn.

…Sorry sister with what you’re going through. Clearly hubby has been wrecking his sexuality by watching too much BDSM porn through the years.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

So he likes torture. Let him do it to someone else and get out. 

The man is sick. Get divorced and given you don't work he will have to pay alimony/child support. You'll have to get a job too, but that's not the end of the world.

Kinks like this can escalate. Once the binding isn't satisfactory anymore, he may feel the need to slap you or run a knife over your body.


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## This_Is_Me (Mar 24, 2021)

I am so sorry you are in this situation. You are a worthy person. I hope you can lean on your support system (family members, friends, etc.) during this time. It might help to be able to share the burden by discussing the situation with a trusted friend or counselor. 

This is not your fault. What you have described is a partner who is sadistic. This person is trying to force you into being their torture victim.* As others have already mentioned, the situation is not healthy or safe. 

Your partner has let you down in so many ways. I hope you can seek legal advice on how to best protect yourself in preparation for divorce. You may want to consider individual counseling for yourself and your children as you process everything. Some books that might be helpful in processing everything are: “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft and “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin de Becker.

I wish you only the best as you move forward.

*Please note that I am not shaming those who practice safe, consensual BDSM. I use the terms sadistic and torture given OP’s description of the experience and the partner’s lack of empathy and lack of concern for OP’s well-being.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

CatholicDad said:


> Another kink born in porn,
> and another CD shoehorn.
> 
> …Sorry sister with what you’re going through. Clearly hubby has been wrecking his sexuality by watching too much BDSM porn through the years.


@CatholicDad I am not saying that you are wrong, and it almost certain that porn has at least exacerbated this problem. 

This type of thing however is probably a manifestation of some sort of trauma that has not been dealt with emotionally. While I am not a professional in this regard, the OP's husband in my opinion was likely involved in some sort of trauma at some point that has been repressed. Perhaps he was bullied and locked into a confined space by siblings that enjoyed humiliating him. Perhaps he underwent a medical procedure that required him to be restrained that was traumatizing. Who knows... 

But porn... I honestly do not think porn can induce a normal person to do that. This was something already there and suppressed and perhaps porn did awaken it. 

Like I say I am not a professional at this, so I could be completely wrong.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mr. Nail said:


> I'm really waiting for @maquiscat to arrive.
> What your husband is demanding is not BDSM. It is also not safe. He has no experience, he has not even done the research. Take the Ultimatum at it's face value and get yourself a good lawyer.
> 
> I've made it no secret here that I am a submissive, What you husband is proposing would be fun for me, IF I was attracted to him (never been attracted to men) IF he took concern for my safety (he doesn't) IF I had a deep connection to him Before the scene (not every sub needs this, but my needs would have to be taken into consideration).
> ...


Even if he did 'know what he is doing' it would change nothing. She would still have been upset and distressed about having her feet and hands tightly bound, a blindfold so she can't see what is going to happen and a gag so she can't scream or cry out. 
It's the stuff of horror stories and serial killers. 
It's abuse.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

badsanta said:


> @CatholicDad I am not saying that you are wrong, and it almost certain that porn has at least exacerbated this problem.
> 
> This type of thing however is probably a manifestation of some sort of trauma that has not been dealt with emotionally. While I am not a professional in this regard, the OP's husband in my opinion was likely involved in some sort of trauma at some point that has been repressed. Perhaps he was bullied and locked into a confined space by siblings that enjoyed humiliating him. Perhaps he underwent a medical procedure that required him to be restrained that was traumatizing. Who knows...
> 
> ...


I too think his desire to abuse his wife was maybe caused by his mind being very skewed at some point. He needs therapy pretty badly.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> Even if he did 'know what he is doing' it would change nothing. She would still have been upset and distressed about having her feet and hands tightly bound, a blindfold so she can't see what is going to happen and a gag so she can't scream or cry out.
> It's the stuff of horror stories and serial killers.
> It's abuse.


I don’t think he meant it like that.

The scary part is that after one try .. then something more... then more... then more. 
Escalation ends up being that he needs a rope around her neck so he can hear her choke. This lady is already scared... I can’t imagine how much worse it can be to get forced yet further. Gives me the creeps. I’ve never been interested in BDSM at all but I’m sure this stuff gives those people a bad rap.


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## Sunshine03251962 (Jan 6, 2022)

Since I put my foot down several months ago. He has apologized for forcing me into bdsm and realized he was wrong. Issue is if that’s the case, why he still giving me ultimatum to do it or get out. That’s the same ultimatum he always gave me hence I was scared and gave in. I’m just confused because he’s apologizing and saying he will never force me into that again but then why say oh I need tie up to be with you or we can’t be together since he can’t connect with me


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## Sunshine03251962 (Jan 6, 2022)

Sunshine03251962 said:


> Since I put my foot down several months ago. He has apologized for forcing me into bdsm and realized he was wrong. Issue is if that’s the case, why he still giving me ultimatum to do it or get out. That’s the same ultimatum he always gave me hence I was scared and gave in. I’m just confused because he’s apologizing and saying he will never force me into that again but then why say oh I need tie up to be with you or we can’t be together since he can’t connect with me


He also is using a billion other excuses and saying those are the reasons we can’t be together bsb because the tie up. He saying past stuff like “ you cheated on me when we got married, you criticize me etc.” he saying a ton of other issues we had as reasons we can’t work. Everything to take the focus off the tie up


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No. See a lawyer and figure out how to get out. He’s not going to stop badgering you about it. Move on.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Are they true, did you cheat on him early in your marriage? If so, this could be some sort of manifested punishment kink for him


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## Sunshine03251962 (Jan 6, 2022)

We both did. Mine was more sexual and his was more emotional affair 


Gabriel said:


> Are they true, did you cheat on him early in your marriage? If so, this could be some sort of manifested punishment kink for him


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Sunshine03251962 said:


> Since I put my foot down several months ago. He has apologized for forcing me into bdsm and realized he was wrong. Issue is if that’s the case, why he still giving me ultimatum to do it or get out. That’s the same ultimatum he always gave me hence I was scared and gave in. I’m just confused because he’s apologizing and saying he will never force me into that again but then why say oh I need tie up to be with you or we can’t be together since he can’t connect with me


Don't let him do this. He's not forcing you into "BDSM," because what he's doing isn't BDSM. Did you establish a safe word? How do you stop it after it starts. When you're scared and unhappy, what are you supposed to do so he knows to stop? None of that was covered. You were crying and terrified and he. kept. going. This is NOT bondage. This is abuse. He's telling you he won't force you and then badgering you so he can always say "You agreed to it." This happened on another thread, a man badgered his wife into something and people were all, well, she agreed to it. No. This is not the same as you "agreeing to it." This is a man with control over the safety and security of you and your children threatening you and blackmailing you into allowing him to abuse you. Get out.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Sunshine03251962 said:


> Since I put my foot down several months ago. He has apologized for forcing me into bdsm and realized he was wrong. Issue is if that’s the case, why he still giving me ultimatum to do it or get out. That’s the same ultimatum he always gave me hence I was scared and gave in. I’m just confused because he’s apologizing and saying he will never force me into that again but then why say oh I need tie up to be with you or we can’t be together since he can’t connect with me


LISTEN TO YOU INSTINCTS! There is a valid reason that this feels confusing and it is because something is not right!

This is a horrible point of reference but there was a serial killer named Kolhepp than kidnapped women and forced them into having "consensual" sex. The notion was that after being kidnapped that the victim must willingly have sex with him because she wanted to or else he would kill her. He claimed he could tell the difference and that he intended to induce Stockholm syndrome. So the choice was up to the victim if she wanted to live and enjoy sex with her captor or be killed. She was completely free to decide. ... Do you see how THAT is blatantly wrong?

While your situation is not the same, it has some similar dynamics of manipulation!


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Sunshine03251962 said:


> We both did. Mine was more sexual and his was more emotional affair


First and foremost, what is happening to you is not right and I strongly believe you need to get out.

Now that we know you cheated physically, it would not surprise me if this is his way to punish you, "reclaim" you, or prevent you from straying again. I don't agree with his behavior. It is terrible to read what he is doing to you. I'm simply saying it wouldn't surprise me if his actions are related to your cheating physically. 

You can read countless stories here on infidelity. It is heart breaking. Very few reconcile, but in time, folks do recover. It sounds like your husband hasn't gotten over the cheating (regardless of the fact that he did it too) and the bdsm is his sick and twisted way of acting out.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

Sunshine03251962 said:


> Hi, I have tried it out and it traumatized me. I would even cry during it.


So, you're husband KNOWS this yet he has no qualms insisting you do it or the two of you will be divorcing.

He's a real POS.

My question to you, is how could you want to stay with a man who would knowingly do this to you?

He doesn't care if it traumatizes you. It's about him, not you.

He's showing no concern for you. Heck, it goes beyond this, this is abuse.

If any partner treated me this way, I'd be long gone.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

LATERILUS79 said:


> First and foremost, what is happening to you is not right and I strongly believe you need to get out.
> 
> Now that we know you cheated physically, it would not surprise me if this is his way to punish you, "reclaim" you, or prevent you from straying again. I don't agree with his behavior. It is terrible to read what he is doing to you. I'm simply saying it wouldn't surprise me if his actions are related to your cheating physically.
> 
> You can read countless stories here on infidelity. It is heart breaking. Very few reconcile, but in time, folks do recover. It sounds like your husband hasn't gotten over the cheating (regardless of the fact that he did it too) and the bdsm is his sick and twisted way of acting out.


So 15 years later this is his way to reclaim. Let's face it. This guy is just plain wrong. She said in the beginning and they've been married 20 years. 

Even if this is a result of the affair which I don't think it is. She should not put up with this behavior. She needs to leave.
This isn't a relationship that needs fixing. He's dangerous. So in reality his motivation doesn't matter his actions do.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Sunshine03251962 said:


> We both did. Mine was more sexual and his was more emotional affair


I think cheating is reprehensible, but that doesn't mean you should be tortured. Please protect yourself and get out now.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Sunshine03251962 said:


> We both did. Mine was more sexual and his was more emotional affair


This might explain why he thinks this is ok to do to you. It certainly does not MAKE it ok, though. One of the hallmarks of the MGTOW/submissive wife ideology is that the man must control the woman. That being an alpha means that the woman must be afraid of you, afraid to "misbehave" for fear of consequences. Those consequences vary from silent treatment, denial of affection, tantrums, and verbal abuse all the way to kicking the woman out of the bedroom or the house until she behaves, refusing to give her money or allow her to leave, to actual corporal punishment. As I keep saying, this is NOT BDSM. It's abuse, plain and simple. 

It would not be surprising to learn that because you cheated and he took you back, he's been feeling frustrated and inadequate. That makes him a ripe target for the MGTOW crowd. It seems VERY logical that this is punishment, this is forcing you into submission and torturing you so he can feel he "owns" you. He could be trying to get his "power" back on the advice of men who believe that "power" comes from physical intimidation and physical punishment. He could be after a pound of flesh to salve his ego.

Run.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

This is a weird one. His extreme need for this seems beyond a typical kink and does lend itself to being the result of past trauma. Could it be the trauma from your affair? Maybe but this just seems really extreme. 

Does he have any history of taking an extreme stance as a way of control and manipulation? I can't for the life of me imagine watching my wife crying like you describe and making the decision to keep going, it's psychopathic. 

Honestly if I were you my conclusion would be this man must hate me. 

I think you just have to hold firm and discuss ending the marriage. Take him at his word and just say I'm never going to be subjected to any kind of bondage ever again so lets discuss how we are going to dissolve this marriage. 

I think he is going to have a hard time finding what he is looking for. Finding a woman who is really into this is tricky enough, finding a woman who is really into it that he is really connected to is even trickier. He's got his work cut out for him. There are plenty of women out there into BSDM to varying degrees, most are into light bondage he needs a die hard serious sub.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> So 15 years later this is his way to reclaim. Let's face it. This guy is just plain wrong. She said in the beginning and they've been married 20 years.
> 
> Even if this is a result of the affair which I don't think it is. She should not put up with this behavior. She needs to leave.
> This isn't a relationship that needs fixing. He's dangerous. So in reality his motivation doesn't matter his actions do.


Not sure you read my post. 


At all.


I made no definitive statements. I said I would not be surprised if her husband was acting in this sick and twisted way because of the prior cheating. I didn't say that was 100% positive. 

Secondly, you imply that I think she should fix this relationship. Absolutely not. I said I strongly believe she should get out.

Don't put words in my mouth.

Thanks.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Sunshine03251962 said:


> Husband gave me ultimatum. He told me I have to do bdsm or get out. We have kids and I don’t work. He has always been miserable in the marriage nothing I tried has ever been enough to please him. The form of bdsm he needs is full body tie up and super tight which I am not comfortable with. We have been together 20 years but married 13 years. He never really knew bdsm was his thing until a few years ago. He said he needs to tie a women up since that is his deepest form of connection with someone that he longs for. I have asked him if we can stay married without it and he says he can’t live his life longing for that deep connection since it will bring him great sadness knowing he never got that with someone. He said it is his life long goal/desire/interest to do bdsm with a female he is deeply connected with and since I am not comfortable doing it, he can’t connect with me on a deep level and refuses to miss out. What do I do?


Tell him he goes first and peg him with a 9" strap on.

I have no patience for this kind of BS.

Talk to a lawyer to find where you stand and put this a hole in his place. I'm a recovering a hole so it does take one to know one here but I own my **** unlike your husband.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Whoops! Turns out you were fing somebody not your husband and he was romancing another woman.

Well you aren't exactly still wearing white now are you?

My advice is counseling for you both.

A lot of damage has been done and his emotional state is questionable given this information.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Not sure you read my post.
> 
> 
> At all.
> ...


Not putting words in your mouth. You know that most of the post was directed to OP, you know the thread is for them.

I was replying to your insinuation that this is some reclaim from an affair. While that maybe true since it is recent in the last few years and the affair was a long time ago that seems like a stretch. It's more likely porn or red pill induced or he's just a evil guy.

I read where you strongly suggested she leave and I agree. So don't get your panties in a bunch.

Thanks


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Sunshine03251962 said:


> Husband gave me ultimatum. He told me I have to do bdsm or get out. We have kids and I don’t work. He has always been miserable in the marriage nothing I tried has ever been enough to please him. The form of bdsm he needs is full body tie up and super tight which I am not comfortable with. We have been together 20 years but married 13 years. He never really knew bdsm was his thing until a few years ago. He said he needs to tie a women up since that is his deepest form of connection with someone that he longs for. I have asked him if we can stay married without it and he says he can’t live his life longing for that deep connection since it will bring him great sadness knowing he never got that with someone. He said it is his life long goal/desire/interest to do bdsm with a female he is deeply connected with and since I am not comfortable doing it, he can’t connect with me on a deep level and refuses to miss out. What do I do?


Give it a try. One time. Make it clear that if you don’t enjoy, that’s last time.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Give it a try. One time. Make it clear that if you don’t enjoy, that’s last time.


She did and she found it traumatising.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

*Wow, where to start.*



Sunshine03251962 said:


> *Husband gave me ultimatum. He told me I have to do bdsm or get out.* *We have kids and I don’t work*.
> 
> ........*The form of bdsm he needs is full body tie up and super tight which I am not comfortable with*.
> 
> ...





Sunshine03251962 said:


> *Hi, I have tried it out and it traumatized me.* I would even cry during it. *He tried working with me and we came to a middle ground of having the rope not so tight where I am able to get out if need be. Issue is he is gaining nothing knowing I can get out in my own. He wants the control to let me out. The entire thing terrifies me. I have laid there fully bound, gagged and blind folded crying my eyes out and depressed for days after*





Sunshine03251962 said:


> Hi, *he does not want to be tied*. He only wants to tie me





Sunshine03251962 said:


> Yes, bdsm is his priority over everything. After being tormented doing it so much, I have 0 interest in doing any form of it now. Even the thought of it triggers me. *Before I was pressured into it, I thought maybe just tying the hands lightly would be fine but nope even that now triggers me *and he also gains nothing unless I am full body bound, immobile and tigger tight.





Sunshine03251962 said:


> Unfortuanlty that did not work. I have tried that one. *I filed for divorce/separated for a few months and he was totally ok with it.* He even downloaded tinder and other hook up apps to look to do bdsm with someone. He is not just black mailing. *He is dead serious that he needs bdsm or we are done*





Sunshine03251962 said:


> *Yes and we separated as a result because I put my foot down to saying I can’t do bdrm anymore.* It tormented me. He regrets being so forceful and going about it wrong since now he realized all that did was terrify his wife to the point can’t go near bdsm. So it’s his loss. Issue is, because the bdsm is so powerful for him, he can’t live without it and I can’t partake. I feel helpless now and don’t know what else to do.





Sunshine03251962 said:


> Since I put my foot down several months ago. *He has apologized for forcing me into bdsm and realized he was wrong. Issue is if that’s the case, why he still giving me ultimatum to do it or get out. *That’s the same ultimatum he always gave me hence I was scared and gave in. I’m just confused because he’s apologizing and saying he will never force me into that again but then why say oh I need tie up to be with you or we can’t be together since he can’t connect with me





Sunshine03251962 said:


> He also is using a billion other excuses and saying those are the reasons we can’t be together bsb because the tie up. He saying past stuff like “ you cheated on me when we got married, you criticize me etc.” he saying a ton of other issues we had as reasons we can’t work. Everything to take the focus off the tie up



First I think that your decision to file for divorce was a good one. My perspective is much different than most of the others posting.

His wanting to tie you up in a very restrictive BDSM situation is indicative of his absolutely not knowing what he was doing. I agree with TexasMom, in that without consent and a safe word, it was marital rape and you probably need some individual counseling to get over that, as it might rise to the level of PTSD.

They say that to become a really good "Top" one must first understand what it is like to be a "bottom." He shows absolutely no desire to be tied up, to understand the psychology of the person who is tied up. He further sounds like he has no desire to "learn the ropes" and start with light bondage first. The guy is a danger to himself and anyone he plays with. The best thing you can do for him is to advise him to talk to a good kink friendly marriage counselor and to be very careful as his is a danger to himself and others.

Sit down and listen up. He sounds like he has so little knowledge of what he is doing that he should not be allowed any BDSM play with ANYONE. He is likely to accidently kill or injure someone. As the mother of a child, you need to protect your child's health and welfare in addition to your own. What would happen, if he accidentally killed you and he ended up in jail? Do the two of you have wills that establish custody for your minor child(ren)? What would happen to your child financially, if you were hurt so bad that you could not work and your divorce was finalized. What would happen to child support or alimony if he hurt someone who is not you and ended up in jail or lost his job? 

I can understand why he has not found anyone to play with. 

Normally, I would suggest that you try to save the marriage. But you have already filed for divorce. He wants to participate in very risky behavior (no safe words, no learning the ropes gradually, not understanding even the most basics of what he fantasies about) and expects you to be OK with that is just wrong. He is endangering himself, you, and his child in his sexual fantasy that is on the verge of a fetish. Say good bye to him.

Get a really good divorce attorney to help you structure a financial settlement that will protect your daughter's future and yours from the potential consequences of his risky behavior. I would ask for putting child support into an asset based trust in the child's name, so if he hurts someone in the future that child support will continue.

Good luck. Congratulations on putting your foot down and filing for divorce. Get some counseling for yourself and during it, ask how you can explain your divorce to your child in a way that would be the least damaging to them.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Give it a try. One time. Make it clear that if you don’t enjoy, that’s last time.


She did and her left her crying and tied up and traumatized. He’s pushing threatening her with divorce.
She SHOULD divorce him. Even if he gives up this idiotic idea as it’s plain he does care for her.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Sunshine03251962 said:


> I have tried explaining that to him but he doesn’t see it.


There's nothing left to explain. The wolf doesn't care what the sheep thinks or feels. 

He knows that this is traumatizing to you and yet he continues. This is abuse and cruelty. He is an abuser. 

He is a predator and you are currently a prey item. 

Stop being a sheep. 

Become a sheepdog and protect your own best interests.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> How many guys who are into anal willingly submit to their partners using a dildo up their rear? It is all about conquering the all-powerful little woman. Pathetic.


I had no takers.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Give it a try. One time. Make it clear that if you don’t enjoy, that’s last time.


You must not have read. She did try it and she cried and begged to be untied then he proceeds to tell her if she doesn't then they will divorce. He's and eff'ed up guy.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

OP,
What's happening now is not ok, regardless of past cheating. Mind you, I'm not giving you a free pass on your cheating. However, it's clear that both of you are toxic, so it's time to **** or get off the pot. 

If you stay, you're at his mercy, being unemployed with your own share of guilt, but if you get a job, file for divorce, and go your separate ways you can build a healthier life for yourself and your child(ren). Your current situation sounds horrible, I don't know how you can tolerate this!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Let's just hope he's never seen the movie Boxing Helena.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

Sunshine03251962 said:


> What do I do?


Tell him “Good luck,” get a good lawyer, and divorce his ass.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

Benbutton said:


> So his way of showing you that he's deeply connected to you is by victimizing you? He's a sick twisted phuck and I wouldn't doubt it if he has ventured into the territory of becoming a sexual predator if he isn't already.


THIS ⬆


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

This is like a mental illness thread combined with cheating and BDSM retribution?

OP, you need help to figure yourself out in a healthy way and it doesn't appear your husband has all the cards in his deck either.

Please get professional help.

Best wishes.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I am absolutely horrified and sickened at your husbands behaviour OP. You NEED to get out of there, this has serial killer written all over it. He stood there watching you cry??? JFC that's psycho!!!

Also, you realise that he raped you don't you? You are married to a rapist and abuser.


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## GaLaxya (Sep 26, 2021)

Sunshine03251962 said:


> Hi, I have tried it out and it traumatized me. I would even cry during it. He tried working with me and we came to a middle ground of having the rope not so tight where I am able to get out if need be. Issue is he is gaining nothing knowing I can get out in my own. He wants the control to let me out. The entire thing terrifies me. I have laid there fully bound, gagged and blind folded crying my eyes out and depressed for days after


No! DON'T EVER DO THIS AGAIN PLEASE!!!

BDSM is not fun.
Good for people who want to do this. I don't want to critiseze any one. Humans are different. Nobody is perfect.
But BDSM is not the result of a healthy mind set.
These people have trauma and found a way to utilize certain trauma within their sexuality.
For them it is OK and it might be healing to them.
No offence. Some people find joy in destruction such as SM, then they should do it. But with consent.

But anyone who doesn't have that mind set will take demage from it.

BDSM is a way some victims of abuse (psychological and/or physical) try to turn abuse or pain they experienced into something they enjoy and have control over.

Some people are also less sensitive and need stronger trigger to feel emotions. For some it is fear and terror. To them it doesn't feel as it does for a normal sensitive person.
What is horror to us, is a slight breathe to them kind of.

But what they do goes beyond the average threashold of sensation.

It is nothing that every person can enjoy or learn to an enjoy, nor should even try to learn to enjoy.

It is like certain medication. If you are not suffering from the condition, you shouldn't take those pills, because they will cause you demage.

That is BDSM. It is a pill for certain people. Unless you are not such a person it is poisson to you!!!

There is a reason, why the majority of people isn't into thinks like this.
It isn't a fashion.
Sexuality isn't a fashion.

Your husband isn't the right person for you.

Why does he suddenly thinks to know he needs it to get deeper connection?

I tell you.
Because he was seeing prostitutes. He doesn't have this from 50 shades of grey.

He has experienced it with someone else while you were married obvioisly.
He is lying to you.

I assume it was some sort of prostitute he seeked. Maybe qhe introduced him or he was courious.
And he discovered that this is stimulating to him more then non BDSM sex.


you are not the first person who he has done it with. No way. You never went to his extrem. How other would he now that he needs way more.

His explanations are very specific. He has already an expertise in it.
I doubt he learned it befpre you got together and hold back for all those years.

Please get counselling. You and your husband aren't in a healthy place with your marriage.

He is harming you. Even if he doesn't intend do, but his sexuallity is harming to you.

You aren't compatible.


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## natmaxtor60 (Jan 6, 2022)

Your husband will not care about counseling. If he’s willing to lose you over this- then you have your answer of how little he cares for you. Unfortunately people change and sometimes for the worse and we can’t fix them. We can only change ourselves. You are most likely still fairly young (40’s/50’s) is my guess. Please do yourself a favor and get out of it now. You can find someone who makes you feel good and still have a long life with them. Let this f**** have his BDSM with some other wh** which is what he deserves. One day this obsession of his will be over and he will regret this. But too late for him.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

@Sunshine03251962 your husband is completely missed up, he is not even doing BDSM right, I think he didn't deal with your infidelity properly and still suffers from its trauma!

The way I see it you have three options:

Ask him to get professional help/course from the BDSM community to do it the right way so it's enjoyable to both of you without harming you!
Drop the whole BDSM idea or you will divorce his a**.
Just go and start the divorce process



TexasMom1216 said:


> This might explain why he thinks this is ok to do to you. It certainly does not MAKE it ok, though. One of the hallmarks of the MGTOW/submissive wife ideology is that the man must control the woman. That being an alpha means that the woman must be afraid of you, afraid to "misbehave" for fear of consequences.


@TexasMom1216, MGTOW has nothing to do with what you just said, none, zero!
MGTOW is men going Their own way, they don't start or have any romantic relationships with women!
Please educate yourself!


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> She did and she found it traumatising.


My bad, I didn't understand the posting. thank you


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You must not have read. She did try it and she cried and begged to be untied then he proceeds to tell her if she doesn't then they will divorce. He's and eff'ed up guy.


Yeah, i got a work call halfway thru reading post. Thanks, BigDaddy.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Sunshine03251962 said:


> Hi, I have tried it out and it traumatized me. I would even cry during it. He tried working with me and we came to a middle ground of having the rope not so tight where I am able to get out if need be. Issue is he is gaining nothing knowing I can get out in my own. He wants the control to let me out. The entire thing terrifies me. I have laid there fully bound, gagged and blind folded crying my eyes out and depressed for days after


I'm going to be totally honest with you here. If I were you, and this was my reaction to BDSM, I would beat my H to the punch and throw down some divorce papers. He obviously has no respect for you and your boundaries, and to me, that's a problem. BDSM could be something fun to play with, but it sounds like it's either his way or the highway. I would show him the highway!


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Sunshine03251962 said:


> Husband gave me ultimatum. He told me I have to do bdsm or get out. We have kids and I don’t work. He has always been miserable in the marriage nothing I tried has ever been enough to please him. The form of bdsm he needs is full body tie up and super tight which I am not comfortable with. We have been together 20 years but married 13 years. He never really knew bdsm was his thing until a few years ago. He said he needs to tie a women up since that is his deepest form of connection with someone that he longs for. I have asked him if we can stay married without it and he says he can’t live his life longing for that deep connection since it will bring him great sadness knowing he never got that with someone. He said it is his life long goal/desire/interest to do bdsm with a female he is deeply connected with and since I am not comfortable doing it, he can’t connect with me on a deep level and refuses to miss out. What do I do?


As an educator and leader in the local BDSM community (I ran the local munch group for over a decade as well as found instructors for the education series), I'm telling you this man has no clue. Our other BDSM residents have pretty much said the same thing. I cannot see why you should do anything other than divorce him. It would be one thing if he asked to be able to go do rope play with other women (it does not necessarily have to involve sex), but he wants something more than just the play. And I can see it to a point. My play has always been better when it has been with my wives or GF's. But never has it ever been enjoyable with someone who doesn't enjoy the play, no matter what love we shared.

And at this point I cannot see any love from your description. I will always hold the caveat that we only have your side of the story, but even so, I am not holding out too much for this man. Call his bluff, but do not make it a bluff on your part. Leave.

The only other thing I will put out here for you is don't necessarily allow yourself to be turned off of BDSM if you think that you might enjoy other aspects of it. Rope play is but a very small part, and there are plenty of BDSM people who never get into the bondage aspect. BDSM has become the catch phrase for all kinds of kink/fetish. I'm not saying that you will enjoy any of it. But if you find someone else who is willing to not push you where you don't want to go, be open to try the other aspects as long as they are not traumatizing to you.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Blondilocks said:


> How many guys who are into anal willingly submit to their partners using a dildo up their rear? It is all about conquering the all-powerful little woman. Pathetic.


_raises hand_

And you might be surprised as to how many are actually out there. It's a very common kink among men.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

GaLaxya said:


> Unless you are not such a person it is *poisson* to you!!!


Ok this is a serious thread about serious things. But this made me laugh. It's just a typo, which we all do, I usually have to edit my posts a couple of times for spelling errors or autocorrect mistakes and stuff like that, it's no big deal. This particular word happens to be French. "Unless you are not such a person it is *fish* to you!" 

I giggled a little. Sorry for the interruption, please proceed.

Note: I had to edit because I misspelled a word. It just wasn't as funny. It was a boring misspelling.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

OP, any man that wants to tie up his lady when it clearly scares her and she hates it, is an evil person. Just evil. He’s given you an ultimatum over something you knew nothing if when you married…. And it’s a disgusting thing to do, period. If I were you, I’d divorce him because:
He’s evil
He’s an asshole
He has no feelings for you
He will never bring you the happiness you’d have with a man who actually cares about you
He’s treating you like a *****
He’s been cheating on you

I could go on, but isn’t that enough?
Please tell us you’re seeing an attorney. Please.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Maybe we get back to OP. She got a ****ty husband whose traumatized her and threatening divorce


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## Sunshine03251962 (Jan 6, 2022)

Anastasia6 said:


> Maybe we get back to OP. She got a ****ty husband whose traumatized her and threatening divorce


Yes and he has apologized since I put my foot down and backed out of letting him tie me up. I knew me putting my foot down meant we were done because he always told me if I stopped letting him tie me, he would get it elsewhere. So I didn’t care and focusing on my self healing now. It just stinks because I’m not financially ready to leave and he still saying there is a 0 chance with me since I backed out. I obviously don’t want a chance with him at all just I wish he waited until I was ready to leave


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Sunshine03251962 said:


> Yes and he has apologized since I put my foot down and backed out of letting him tie me up. I knew me putting my foot down meant we were done because he always told me if I stopped letting him tie me, he would get it elsewhere. So I didn’t care and focusing on my self healing now. It just stinks because I’m not financially ready to leave and he still saying there is a 0 chance with me since I backed out. I obviously don’t want a chance with him at all just I wish he waited until I was ready to leave


What is the matter with your financial support? He would have to give you 50% of everything and pay alimony, correct?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sunshine03251962 said:


> Yes and he has apologized since I put my foot down and backed out of letting him tie me up. I knew me putting my foot down meant we were done because he always told me if I stopped letting him tie me, he would get it elsewhere. So I didn’t care and focusing on my self healing now. It just stinks because I’m not financially ready to leave and he still saying there is a 0 chance with me since I backed out. I obviously don’t want a chance with him at all just I wish he waited until I was ready to leave


As others have said, what your husband is doing is just wrong. Just reading what he wants to do to is scary. There is no way I'd let anyone do that to me. You are right to file for divorce.

One thing that comes to mind is that I'd bet that the reason he's giving you the ultimatum is that he wants a divorce but wants you to be the person who files. That way he can claim to others that you were the bad 'guy'. It relieves him of the responsibility and guilt for basically abandoning his wife and children.

Since his 'need' for "BDSM" seems to have manifested out of nowhere, how did he develop this desire? Was it via porn? Or was it somewhere else? It just seems odd for a guy to suddenly get this in his head and to even think that it's a need for him.

Are you aware of the divorce laws, alimony, child support, etc. and how all that works?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Sunshine03251962 said:


> he always told me if I stopped letting him tie me, he would get it elsewhere.


Some threat! 🤣 He tried that and didn't get any takers. Leave him to his own devices and he'll learn that there is a very limited number of women who will welcome that activity. Rather like finding a needle in a haystack. And, it will serve him right. He can ride off into the sunset and watch his porn while eating dog food out of a can.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Some threat! 🤣 He tried that and didn't get any takers. Leave him to his own devices and he'll learn that there is a very limited number of women who will welcome that activity. Rather like finding a needle in a haystack. And, it will serve him right. He can ride off into the sunset and watch his porn while eating dog food out of a can.


This. I tell you what, if my husband said something like this to me, especially after I tried it and it frightened me and made me cry and he loved that I reacted that way, there would be a Texas shaped hole in the door as I ran out of his life. We teach people how to treat us, and he's treating you like trash. You're not trash, so stop it right now.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Sunshine03251962 said:


> Yes and he has apologized since I put my foot down and backed out of letting him tie me up. I knew me putting my foot down meant we were done because he always told me if I stopped letting him tie me, he would get it elsewhere. So I didn’t care and focusing on my self healing now. It just stinks because I’m not financially ready to leave and he still saying there is a 0 chance with me since I backed out. I obviously don’t want a chance with him at all just I wish he waited until I was ready to leave


wow. just wow.

i was wondering if he would back down.
it seems like there are a lot of neophyte "dominants" that do not have a clue what to do, and they think just bossing women around is how to do it.
While D/S relationships do sometimes appear on the surface to be rough ones, in fact the ones that work have a lot of respect for the sub, in fact she has almost all the real power.

It sounds like a couple things are at play in your relationship too. It sounds like you do not enjoy being submissive.
Also the though of being tied up scares you, a lot, and you do not seem to be the type to get over that.

glad to see you have made a decision on all this.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> As others have said, what your husband is doing is just wrong. Just reading what he wants to do to is scary. There is no way I'd let anyone do that to me. You are right to file for divorce.
> 
> One thing that comes to mind is that I'd bet that the reason he's giving you the ultimatum is that he wants a divorce but wants you to be the person who files. That way he can claim to others that you were the bad 'guy'. It relieves him of the responsibility and guilt for basically abandoning his wife and children.
> 
> ...


These are all excellent observations and questions. I have a couple to add.

Since he appears to know little about BDSM (no safe word, no consent to a scripted scene, no checking for consent during the scene, no after care to reground people when it is over), I have to wonder if his lack of knowledge goes so far as to the concept of a "power exchange?" That is, is the ultimatum, really just an attempt to exert power over the OP? 

Unless the OP wants to save the marriage (which I don't think is a good idea) I am not sure why finding out what caused the BDSM or trying to figure out what is going on in his head is worth the effort.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Sunshine03251962 said:


> Husband gave me ultimatum. He told me I have to do bdsm or get out. We have kids and I don’t work. He has always been miserable in the marriage nothing I tried has ever been enough to please him. The form of bdsm he needs is full body tie up and super tight which I am not comfortable with. We have been together 20 years but married 13 years. He never really knew bdsm was his thing until a few years ago. He said he needs to tie a women up since that is his deepest form of connection with someone that he longs for. I have asked him if we can stay married without it and he says he can’t live his life longing for that deep connection since it will bring him great sadness knowing he never got that with someone. He said it is his life long goal/desire/interest to do bdsm with a female he is deeply connected with and since I am not comfortable doing it, he can’t connect with me on a deep level and refuses to miss out. What do I do?


Some deep connection. His only deep connection is to his penis. I think you should leave and let them be alone together.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Sunshine03251962 said:


> Husband gave me ultimatum. He told me I have to do bdsm or get out. We have kids and I don’t work. He has always been miserable in the marriage nothing I tried has ever been enough to please him. The form of bdsm he needs is full body tie up and super tight which I am not comfortable with. We have been together 20 years but married 13 years. He never really knew bdsm was his thing until a few years ago. He said he needs to tie a women up since that is his deepest form of connection with someone that he longs for. I have asked him if we can stay married without it and he says he can’t live his life longing for that deep connection since it will bring him great sadness knowing he never got that with someone. He said it is his life long goal/desire/interest to do bdsm with a female he is deeply connected with and since I am not comfortable doing it, he can’t connect with me on a deep level and refuses to miss out. What do I do?


So he is also ok with if you want to whip him and have him licking your boots...maybe you need that to be fulfilled after all?

He can leave and you file for support.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Sunshine03251962 said:


> Hi, he does not want to be tied. He only wants to tie me


Turn about is fair play.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Sunshine03251962 said:


> I have tried explaining that to him but he doesn’t see it. He sees it that he refuses to live the rest of his life knowing he can’t reach his lifelong goal of tying women up. He wants to be happy and clearly that’s his only way


Being from LE background...this brings thoughts of future serial rapist to mind.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Young at Heart said:


> Since he appears to know little about BDSM (no safe word, no consent to a scripted scene, no checking for consent during the scene, no after care to reground people when it is over), I have to wonder if his lack of knowledge goes so far as to the concept of a "power exchange?" That is, is the ultimatum, really just an attempt to exert power over the OP?


i wonder if the OP and her husband might benefit from some actual INSTRUCTION into BDSM? In the larger cities, there are classes on rope bondage (Shibari) for instance, that they can attend and learn how to do things safely and correctly. 
Maybe the OP is just frightened about the unsafe way he is persuing it all, but might actually enjoy things if done right?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Talker67 said:


> i wonder if the OP and her husband might benefit from some actual INSTRUCTION into BDSM? In the larger cities, there are classes on rope bondage (Shibari) for instance, that they can attend and learn how to do things safely and correctly.
> Maybe the OP is just frightened about the unsafe way he is persuing it all, but might actually enjoy things if done right?


Nah, she knows the ropes (haha). What would benefit this couple is a ball-peen hammer - oh, nevuhmind.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Talker67 said:


> i wonder if the OP and her husband might benefit from some actual INSTRUCTION into BDSM? In the larger cities, there are classes on rope bondage (Shibari) for instance, that they can attend and learn how to do things safely and correctly.
> Maybe the OP is just frightened about the unsafe way he is persuing it all, but might actually enjoy things if done right?


I don't think that the trust relationship can ever be restored to the point at which the wife would ever try it again, if if they were both educated in the theory of how to do it properly.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

It sounds like he's an asshole, and not in the good way. Time for a divorce.


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## LoveDoesntHurt (12 mo ago)

Sunshine03251962 said:


> Husband gave me ultimatum. He told me I have to do bdsm or get out. We have kids and I don’t work. He has always been miserable in the marriage nothing I tried has ever been enough to please him. The form of bdsm he needs is full body tie up and super tight which I am not comfortable with. We have been together 20 years but married 13 years. He never really knew bdsm was his thing until a few years ago. He said he needs to tie a women up since that is his deepest form of connection with someone that he longs for. I have asked him if we can stay married without it and he says he can’t live his life longing for that deep connection since it will bring him great sadness knowing he never got that with someone. He said it is his life long goal/desire/interest to do bdsm with a female he is deeply connected with and since I am not comfortable doing it, he can’t connect with me on a deep level and refuses to miss out. What do I do?


Dear heart,
You should not ever do anything sexually that you do not want to do. Seriously. On’t listen to people who tell you otherwise.
First, your husband is being manipulative. His porn driven desire to tie a woman up is exactly that, a fantasy to disarm and control a woman sexually, something he’s probably watching a lot of porn that you’d not want to have sex at all with him if you knew exactly what. 
This is not love. 
Someone who loves and care about YOU would not demand such a thing, especially a man who took an oath and created a family. He is a man child who wants what he wants and it is not respectful of you at all.
It’s fine to play around sexually when you both consent and want to play. But in these times most men are watching more and more toxic abuse porn, and I‘d be willing to bet it doesnt stop with playing with ropes and such. 
I understand you don’t want to end your marriage over it, but seriously, at what point do YOUR feelings matter as much as his?
If he’d toss out his life with you and your kids over this, maybe you are better off letting him do it. Go to court and let him tell the judge this is why he’s reneging on his marriage contract. I guarantee judge won’t like it. 
OR…You could always tell him anything he wants to do to you, you also get to do to him. Hell, have fun with it. That’s my rule. Funny how fast most men drop it when you couch it in those terms. 
But just know this won’t end with this thing most likely. If you concede one thing, next thing you know he’ll want to choke you out during sex, and guess what? That isn’t sex, it’s assault. But men who watch porn think it’s sexy because something we all find out the hard way is how little they really like or respect women and how we are not much more than objects for them to abuse for sexual pleasure. Is that what you want to be?
And finally, remember: someone who truly loves you would not give an ultimatum for you to engage in any kink you are not on board with. If you do it to please him, he will basically know he matters more than you do. Is that what you want?
I hope things work out ok for you. Good luck.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Talker67 said:


> i wonder if the OP and her husband might benefit from some actual INSTRUCTION into BDSM? In the larger cities, there are classes on rope bondage (Shibari) for instance, that they can attend and learn how to do things safely and correctly.
> Maybe the OP is just frightened about the unsafe way he is persuing it all, but might actually enjoy things if done right?


I would normally agree, but the fact that the ropes cause the reaction it does, means that that particular play will not be good between them. I did note earlier that she might enjoy some other plays that were not involving rope or actual pain, but H is not wanting those other things. A reasonable compromise is doing something even if you get nothing out of it, as long as it's not all the time. Unreasonable is doing something that triggers fears. Given her descriptions I don't believe her issues are limited to him doing it wrong.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Talker67 said:


> i wonder if the OP and her husband might benefit from some actual INSTRUCTION into BDSM? In the larger cities, there are classes on rope bondage (Shibari) for instance, that they can attend and learn how to do things safely and correctly.
> Maybe the OP is just frightened about the unsafe way he is persuing it all, but might actually enjoy things if done right?


She doesn't want to be tied up and who can blame her.


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## Sunshine03251962 (Jan 6, 2022)

Update……

I moved out to a studio apartment across the street. I made it clear I will never ever allow him to tie me again. His response is that he needs it to connect with a women since it’s his deepest form of connection so he is respecting my choice of moving out and not staying to work on the marriage. He is in for a huge surprise because it’s hilarious he thinks he will be able to easily find a women who wants to be treated that way sexually but still be a functional stable human outside the room. I feel like females who want to be mistreated sexually are either on drugs or have serious mental issues. I won’t be surprised if he comes crawling back to me years from now after he realizes how stupid he was for thinking he can treat women that way/find a women on same page to fulfill some fantasy world that doesn’t exist. In my opinion, it is so sad and devastating that he can throw Everything we have down the drain over a sex act….like aren’t there other deep ways to connect with a female? Isn’t there more to relationships than dictating it all off one Sex act? Blows my mind how a sex act is priory over everything as if I am only worth something in his eyes if I perform that act, if not then he wants nothing to do with me ….but hey I guess that’s a classic Sex addict


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

There are a lot of men and women who are into BDSM. I'm sure he'll find someone willing but I can't help to think there has to be more to this story. It is odd to blow up a marriage over one sexual kink.

Anyways, you'll be able to find a man who truly respects you and wants the kind of sex you want as well.


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## Sunshine03251962 (Jan 6, 2022)

thunderchad said:


> There are a lot of men and women who are into BDSM. I'm sure he'll find someone willing but I can't help to think there has to be more to this story. It is odd to blow up a marriage over one sexual kink.
> 
> Anyways, you'll be able to find a man who truly respects you and wants the kind of sex you want as well.


We definitely have had our share of marriage issues but I feel it is rare to find a stable females who wants to do the type of bdsm he’s into which is all pain.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Sunshine03251962 said:


> Update……
> 
> I moved out to a studio apartment across the street. I made it clear I will never ever allow him to tie me again. His response is that he needs it to connect with a women since it’s his deepest form of connection so he is respecting my choice of moving out and not staying to work on the marriage. He is in for a huge surprise because it’s hilarious he thinks he will be able to easily find a women who wants to be treated that way sexually but still be a functional stable human outside the room. I feel like females who want to be mistreated sexually are either on drugs or have serious mental issues. I won’t be surprised if he comes crawling back to me years from now after he realizes how stupid he was for thinking he can treat women that way/find a women on same page to fulfill some fantasy world that doesn’t exist. In my opinion, it is so sad and devastating that he can throw Everything we have down the drain over a sex act….like aren’t there other deep ways to connect with a female? Isn’t there more to relationships than dictating it all off one Sex act? Blows my mind how a sex act is priory over everything as if I am only worth something in his eyes if I perform that act, if not then he wants nothing to do with me ….but hey I guess that’s a classic Sex addict


I doubt unless he is uber good looking or uber rich he'll find someone willing to put up with his particular brand of kink unless they have really low self esteem. But I guess we shall see.

What's more important is whether he finds someone or not. You are out. You should never go back. Think about it. He has admitted he's not connected to you. Why would you want that in a relationship. For him the only way he can connect is abusive to you. So are there males out there that connect without that yes. I will say many many men seem to put sex at the top of their list. But many of those men don't expect to be abusive during sex. 

It is sad that he is this way. Even if he returns later and wants to try again with promises of no pressure to tie you up. Please refrain from believing him. You are worthy of a complete whole man who loves you as you are and accepts your boundaries.

I'm glad you are safe but at the same time. Why did you move out versus him? Remember to contact a lawyer. You have rights to marital assets and alimony since you don't work.

Be safe. Work on healing yourself from this trauma. Let him go. Fully. There are other men out there once you are ready. Plenty that will be happy with a regular sex life.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Sunshine03251962 said:


> We definitely have had our share of marriage issues but I feel it is rare to find a stable females who wants to do the type of bdsm he’s into which is all pain.


There are indeed plenty of stable women who are into exactly that. Mind you, given that stableness, I don't think they will put up with his other faults. Just keep in mind that just because you are repulsed by something, it doesn't mean another is unstable because they are not repulsed by it. And I once more put out that simply because someone attaches the BDSM label to a play doesn't mean it will involve pain or rope. Pretty much all kinks, such as tickling or foot kinks, have now fallen under the BDSM umbrella. Make your own judgement on them based on your tastes, not the label.

And I find it a very good thing you leaving this man. He is not safe or healthy in how he goes about his kink, at least according to your description.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Sunshine03251962 said:


> Update……
> 
> I moved out to a studio apartment across the street. I made it clear I will never ever allow him to tie me again. His response is that he needs it to connect with a women since it’s his deepest form of connection so he is respecting my choice of moving out and not staying to work on the marriage. He is in for a huge surprise because it’s hilarious he thinks he will be able to easily find a women who wants to be treated that way sexually but still be a functional stable human outside the room. I feel like females who want to be mistreated sexually are either on drugs or have serious mental issues. I won’t be surprised if he comes crawling back to me years from now after he realizes how stupid he was for thinking he can treat women that way/find a women on same page to fulfill some fantasy world that doesn’t exist. In my opinion, it is so sad and devastating that he can throw Everything we have down the drain over a sex act….like aren’t there other deep ways to connect with a female? Isn’t there more to relationships than dictating it all off one Sex act? Blows my mind how a sex act is priory over everything as if I am only worth something in his eyes if I perform that act, if not then he wants nothing to do with me ….but hey I guess that’s a classic Sex addict


There are a lot of women that are into BDSM, the problem is not BDSM, the problem is that your husband doesn't know how to do it properly, even if he finds another woman that's into it, she will RUN to the hills from him!


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

thunderchad said:


> It is odd to blow up a marriage over one sexual kink.


You got to be be kidding here. That sexual kink she's talking about is not a kink, is an aberration of human sexuality. a kink is to see your partner blindfolded (sometimes) during sex. You want to see your partner blindfolded every single time, then it's not longer a kink, it's an aberration. 

OP is not willing to subject herself to pain and degradation being inflicted upon herself, so rightly (and not oddly) she should, and must get out of the aberrant relationship with her sick husband.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> You got to be be kidding here. That sexual kink she's talking about is not a kink, is an aberration of human sexuality. a kink is to see your partner blindfolded (sometimes) during sex. You want to see your partner blindfolded every single time, then it's not longer a kink, it's an aberration.
> 
> OP is not willing to subject herself to pain and degradation being inflicted upon herself, so rightly (and not oddly) she should, and must get out of the aberrant relationship with her sick husband.


What I mean is it is odd for the husband to leave the wife just because she don't do one kink.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

thunderchad said:


> What I mean is it is odd for the husband to leave the wife just because she don't do one kink.


I don't see it as odd. I see it as a sick man that he has to have his way for his aberrant sexual behaviour. So, of course he would want to find someone as sick as he is; which he should, then he would be happy, or not?

And please, lets start calling thing for what they are. OP husband doesn't have a kink, what he has is a sexual aberration that is beyond what most would call a kink (and a kink is also a sexual deviation if you look at it objectively).


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Rob_1 said:


> I don't see it as odd. I see it as a sick man that he has to have his way for his aberrant sexual behaviour. So, of course he would want to find someone as sick as he is; which he should, then he would be happy, or not?
> 
> And please, lets start calling thing for what they are. OP husband doesn't have a kink, what he has is a sexual aberration that is beyond what most would call a kink (and a kink is also a sexual deviation if you look at it objectively).


I think it goes beyond anything sexual. I think emotionally he wants to be in control and to abuse that control. Real **** show there.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Anastasia6 said:


> I think it goes beyond anything sexual. I think emotionally he wants to be in control and to abuse that control. Real **** show there.


Most of them do. Actually, the more they do, the more deviant they become. These type of people would push, and push, and push the envelope (in order to satiate their hunger for control and sick pleasure through the pain they inflict), until someone gets really hurt or dies. it happens all the time. It's always in the news, about someone dying after rough sex.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Its really positive that you are now separated. He has chosen his desire and fantasy to have that total control over a women no matter if she is very distressed, over you. That just shows you how messed up and sexually skewed he is, to loose his marriage rather than his desire to tie women up and blindfold them. 
You have done the right thing.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Rob_1 said:


> I don't see it as odd. I see it as a sick man that he has to have his way for his aberrant sexual behaviour. So, of course he would want to find someone as sick as he is; which he should, then he would be happy, or not?
> 
> And please, lets start calling thing for what they are. OP husband doesn't have a kink, what he has is a sexual aberration that is beyond what most would call a kink (and a kink is also a sexual deviation if you look at it objectively).


A deviation is something outside the statistical normal. Being left handed is a deviation. A deviation is neither positive nor negative except as a subjective feeling. With that being said, there is actually a difference between kink, fetish and a philia. A kink is something that you enjoy doing sexually but don't feel a need to seek it out. IOW, you enjoy it when it happens, you might take advantage if the opportunity presents itself, but no big deal not to get it. A fetish is where you seek out that activity/object for your sexual activity, and even make an effort to get it, but it doesn't impact upon your life if you don't get it. Similar to a roller coaster enthusiast always on the lookout for a coaster and making efforts and plans to go to one. A philia is when the lack of the activity/object interferes with your life and/or causes anxiety. While we typically use kink/fetish interchangeably, much like we use child and offspring (child being a specific stage of life, while offspring covers all stages), they are actually different and which of the three any given activity/object is, is dependent upon the person referenced. Rope Play, since that is what impacted the OP, is not strictly a kink, fetish or philia. In the case of the H, it seems to be a philia, according to the OP's descriptions. In my case it is a fetish, and in the case of my one wife, it's a kink.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

maquiscat said:


> . A deviation is neither positive nor negative except as a subjective feeling.


You got be kidding here. How nice that for OP to feel that what she experienced with her husband is nothing but a feeling. Hey is not positive, neither a negative. Yeah, right.

Her rejection to her husband's sexually deviant demands means that that's a negative. Not just a feeling. From a biological point of view mother nature doesn't care one bit about anything, but the pressures to produce the most viable genetic materials in the offspring, means that anything that is not considered within the species as "normal" the outcome is invariably always a rejection.

It's just recently in the last few decades that humans, specially in the western world are making accommodations, acceptance and some even embracing that which, humans for thousands, and thousands of years have rejected as non desirable genetic traits for the species to the point that now we can even called them as just kinks, fetishs, or philia. So nice we have those terms, it makes it all alright. 

No wonder the human race is day after day, specially in the western world producing more and more deviants. Hey, if enough time lapses and we haven't destroyed ourselves and this world, we all might be deviants, thus making it the "new normal" for humans.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Rob_1 said:


> You got be kidding here. How nice that for OP to feel that what she experienced with her husband is nothing but a feeling. Hey is not positive, neither a negative. Yeah, right.
> 
> Her rejection to her husband's sexually deviant demands means that that's a negative. Not just a feeling. From a biological point of view mother nature doesn't care one bit about anything, but the pressures to produce the most viable genetic materials in the offspring, means that anything that is not considered within the species as "normal" the outcome is invariably always a rejection.
> 
> ...


You tell him! This PC crap has gone far enough.


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## Sunshine03251962 (Jan 6, 2022)

thunderchad said:


> What I mean is it is odd for the husband to leave the wife just because she don't do one kink.


He had clarified he does not view it as a kink. He views it as an identity and lifestyle. He says he is tired being miserable without it since that is what he needs to connect with a women so he feels he can’t connect with me even if I was a perfect wife in his eyes. He has to do bdsm with a women to connect. It’s honestly ridiculous


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Sunshine03251962 said:


> He had clarified he does not view it as a kink. He views it as an identity and lifestyle. He says he is tired being miserable without it since that is what he needs to connect with a women so he feels he can’t connect with me even if I was a perfect wife in his eyes. He has to do bdsm with a women to connect. It’s honestly ridiculous


I sincerely hope he is eating your dust. What a pathetic excuse for a human being.


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## Sunshine03251962 (Jan 6, 2022)

Blondilocks said:


> I sincerely hope he is eating your dust. What a pathetic excuse for a human being.


Right? I was like how the heck does bdsm out weigh everything?! So if he find a perfect female but she doesn’t do bdsm, you’ll leave her? And he is like yup. I don’t I’d er stand how bdsm is the leading factor that determine him being wihh thy someone. Blows my mind how heavy it weighs over him. Classic Sex addict


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Be prepared for him to come back crying about his "mistake" when he can't find what he wants.

Think carefully about whether you want him back.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Rob_1 said:


> You got be kidding here. How nice that for OP to feel that what she experienced with her husband is nothing but a feeling. Hey is not positive, neither a negative. Yeah, right.


Nice strawman, but that is not what I said. Yes, it is very much a feeling as to whether that deviations is a good or bad thing for her. And it's a very valid feeling. Just because it is negative to her, and presumably you, that does not make it a negative for everyone, as your post seemed to imply.



> Her rejection to her husband's sexually deviant demands means that that's a negative. Not just a feeling.


Still just her subjective view. That does not invalidate her personal view on it, as much as her negative view does not invalidate anyone's positive view on such deviations. 



> From a biological point of view mother nature doesn't care one bit about anything, but the pressures to produce the most viable genetic materials in the offspring, means that anything that is not considered within the species as "normal" the outcome is invariably always a rejection.


Hardly, otherwise we would not continue to have all the inheritable diseases and conditions that we have today.



> It's just recently in the last few decades that humans, specially in the western world are making accommodations, acceptance and some even embracing that which, humans for thousands, and thousands of years have rejected as non desirable genetic traits for the species to the point that now we can even called them as just kinks, fetishs, or philia. So nice we have those terms, it makes it all alright.


A myth. One that mostly arose out of the early Christian church that tried to suppress things they didn't like. Many cultures have had as a normal part of their cultures, things like homosexuality, and transgenders and many of the things that we now put under BDSM. These things do not hurt the race in any way, where practiced with consent of all parties involved. And where consent is violated, it is no different than when consent is violated for nonsexual matters.



> No wonder the human race is day after day, specially in the western world producing more and more deviants. Hey, if enough time lapses and we haven't destroyed ourselves and this world, we all might be deviants, thus making it the "new normal" for humans.


Not much for history are you? Every generation ends up doing something that previous generations find "deviant". Marrying for love? What fool does that, asks our ancestors. Letting women be preachers? How deviant! And every proceeding generations worries that those that follow will produce more "deviants" and ruin the world.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

maquiscat said:


> Nice strawman, but that is not what I said. Yes, it is very much a feeling as to whether that deviations is a good or bad thing for her. And it's a very valid feeling. Just because it is negative to her, and presumably you, that does not make it a negative for everyone, as your post seemed to imply.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Now you're talking nonsense to justify the likes like you. If it wasn't that I am a whole lot more qualified than you to make statements as far as physical and social anthropology, and genetics in general I would give a little credence. 
There's people that have it to a science to re-write everything to their point of view agenda. Politicians and their teams come to mind. 

But so not to treadjack, why don't you start a new tread about the biological/genetic stress that species are subjected, and I'll joint you there.


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## Yourgirlfriday (11 mo ago)

Sunshine03251962 said:


> Husband gave me ultimatum. He told me I have to do bdsm or get out. We have kids and I don’t work. He has always been miserable in the marriage nothing I tried has ever been enough to please him. The form of bdsm he needs is full body tie up and super tight which I am not comfortable with. We have been together 20 years but married 13 years. He never really knew bdsm was his thing until a few years ago. He said he needs to tie a women up since that is his deepest form of connection with someone that he longs for. I have asked him if we can stay married without it and he says he can’t live his life longing for that deep connection since it will bring him great sadness knowing he never got that with someone. He said it is his life long goal/desire/interest to do bdsm with a female he is deeply connected with and since I am not comfortable doing it, he can’t connect with me on a deep level and refuses to miss out. What do I do?


That is selfish. You are his wife not his sex slave.
Do what you can till you can get on your feet.


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