# Long term future with avoidant wife



## aaarghdub

Hi All,

Really in need of some advice. Wife and I have been married 15 years and we have two kids. Got married only after a year of dating as I had orders for overseas. I retired from the military last year and right before that I realized what a toll military life took on my family so I admitted it, repented and did a 180. My wife at the same time was working as full-time as a therapist. This took such a toll on her and our family so she begrudgingly quit and enjoyed the summer. At our low point we had some intense discussions and some things that came out:
1) She admitted she is "love avoidant" and has severe intimacy issues.
2) She admitted that she doesn't know why she can't love me passionately 
3) She shared more about her family life and it was terrible (she hates her dad)
4) She has really low self-esteem which makes her extremely defensive.
5) Talk about the state of our marriage makes her uncomfortable.
6) I gave her 10 things I loved about making love to her and what I got in return was she liked that I played with her nipples.

It concerns me that she has never really shared her deep feelings for me. I get cards with platitudes on special occasions but I feel she loves me like a sibling. She doesn't flirt and rarely goes out of her way to show me affection or appreciation. I haven't seen an authentic effort for her to "date me" since we had kids. I know there is no OM and if we divorced she'd stay single.

We had a few discussions about how she admits she needs to address her past but it never goes anywhere. I know she sees her dad and ****ty previous boyfriend (7 yrs lots of cheating) as her reference for male figures in her life and that how she views me. I don't think she truly trusts me emotionally. It's evident in our love making (more like a monthly unemotional booty call from her), our life without kids (limited and lacking, preoccupied with kids when gone), can't take criticism without getting hostile. 

I've tried to reconnect and do new things together but she just isn't interested or the kids prevent it.

My fear is that she married me to escape her life and have great standard of living with someone she knew would be gone a lot but be a great provider and father.

Faith-wise we are both strong Christians but even still I feel like we're on separate faith journeys. I don't want to leave but here are my big concerns:

1) I voiced my needs but seems like I'm in my own (affectionate touch, sex more than 1/mo, playmate)
2) Since she only has superficial interest in my hobbies, work, etc there's not much we have to talk about besides kids.
3) She's not emotionally available in terms of loving me.
4) I've turned into her safety blanket and resent it

I did IC for a few months which was great and bringing up MC will not be met well. My fear is when the kids leave (12 years) I have an emotional closed off partner that would rather throw herself into work. Am I expecting too much or are these really deal breakers?


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## SunCMars

Ah, yes. And you gave up on the military..
And, you did not get your twenty year letter?

You will not then not get a pension.

Was it worth it?
Will it be worth it?
No..

Her happiness is her issue to be resolved. You tried, you failed.
Life is too short. You cannot fix anybody else.

Hell, it is darn near impossible to fix oneself.





End the sad marriage. Do so amicably.


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## Evinrude58

I hate to say it, but just based on what you said, it doesn't sound like your marriage is likely to improve.

Your wife has no desire to change.
But it does sound like she loves you, just incapable of meeting your needs.

You need physical affection. She doesn't like to give. It's just a bad deal. But you've been with her for 15 years. Why is it just now a problem? Because you're home all the time?


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## PieceOfSky

Well, here’s a sad prediction based on my experiences. Maybe it will work out differently for you, but she sounds similar to my wife.

I suggest you check out a book called Married and Alone, by Douglass Weiss. 

You are not expecting too much for your self — life is short, and it is yours to live, not miss out on. But it sounds like she is unlikely to do anything but avoid facing her fears and FOO, and avoid facing the damage such avoidance causes to your relationship and daily experience. It all adds up to you paying with your life, day by day.

Don’t expect her to change. And don’t ever decide to just grin and bear it — every perceived reduction in your expectations will ratchet in a reduced level of participation by her.

IME motivation to participate in/play along with the sort of relationship you want fades over time. Life in general doesn’t get easier as we age. Resentments earned and unearned fester. Unhappiness breeds rationalizations and rewriting of history. Sex that was tolerated or mildly desired once a month becomes one more thing to avoid at all costs; frequency falls to quarterly, then maybe years go by; it becomes such a burden to her, there is no joy, no rekindling, only a wedge driven deeper.

If being in a relationship with you is something that doesn’t give her energy, eventually she will not have anything to give you, or won’t care to try.

Again, that’s based on my experience. Yours may be different.

Even if theoretically she could change herself, it won’t happen if she is comfortable being how she is.


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## aaarghdub

SunCMars said:


> Ah, yes. And you gave up on the military..
> 
> And, you did not get your twenty year letter?
> 
> 
> 
> You will not then not get a pension.
> 
> 
> 
> Was it worth it?
> 
> Will it be worth it?
> 
> No..
> 
> 
> 
> Her happiness is her issue to be resolved. You tried, you failed.
> 
> Life is too short. You cannot fix anybody else.
> 
> 
> 
> Hell, it is darn near impossible to fix oneself.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> End the sad marriage. Do so amicably.




I did retire (20 years and 1 month) so I definitely have that going for me.


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## aaarghdub

Evinrude58 said:


> I hate to say it, but just based on what you said, it doesn't sound like your marriage is likely to improve.
> 
> 
> 
> Your wife has no desire to change.
> 
> But it does sound like she loves you, just incapable of meeting your needs.
> 
> 
> 
> You need physical affection. She doesn't like to give. It's just a bad deal. But you've been with her for 15 years. Why is it just now a problem? Because you're home all the time?




I should probably clarify. She was very affectionate while dating. Started to drop off first five years or marriage. Even more so after kids (next 7). Now in our 40s very little. It's always bothered me but I blamed on stress or kids. Now that I'm home more and around the kids I notice a lot more. Especially after doing IC. The last year of working really brought out her intimacy and avoidant issues.

I think this is how she really is but didn't want to portray that while dating and honestly I think she is still around because she fears three things: being alone, a lower standard of living or admitting it was sham from the start.


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## Diana7

As you are a Christian you have no Biblical reason to leave your wife or children. When you married presumably you promised to be with her for better and for worse? Do you think that when we marry we should accept that person as they are? Or as we want them to be? 
Do you believe that we should keep our promises even if its not always easy or as we want it to be? Do you think you need to be a full time dad or a part time/weekend dad to your young children? Do you think we should run away with things are hard? Or work though them with Gods help?
Have you actually suggested MC to her? Have you spoken to the pastor or anyone at your church about this?


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## FalCod

Woo her. Take it slow. Do it out of love and not for a quid pro quo. Slowly and gently show her that you love her and you aren't ever going away. Talk about plans for your future together. Show her that you see her as more than a sex object (but also make sure that she knows that you find her beautiful and sexy). If you go a year without progress, ask her explicitly for help, but not with the threat of leaving.


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## Ynot

You have nothing to lose by suggesting MC. I would give her the opportunity to take part in it. If she refuses despite your efforts to point out some very obvious issues, then you have to make a decision. Are you willing to live unhappily for the rest of your life or do you want the chance to live a rich full happy life with someone who will appreciate you and enjoy the journey with you.


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## Tony Conrad

I think it has to be christian marriage counselling but maybe also ordinary christian counseling. She obviously has childhood issues from her family. Usually forgiveness is one of the keys to start the healing but also prayer for the areas that received damage in her childhood. Her faith will get her through it and you need to encourage that as God will always be working in her in some area. We all need healing but if it is affecting our marriage in a big way then the need is more urgent. You know divorce is out of the question. She is not vindictive. She just has problems that will have answers in God.


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## Rhubarb

Honestly it doesn't sound that bad coming from a guy who survived a hell marriage. Try making some unilateral moves to improve things. Bring her flowers. Taker her out to dinner. That sort of thing. Also, there are actually some guys who be suited to a marriage like yours.


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## FrazzledSadHusband

Ask your wife to read this article. https://forgivenwife.com/archives-unbearable-lessons/

Then ask her to try view you separate from the men in her past.


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## Rowan

aaarghdub said:


> I retired from the military last year and right before that I realized what a toll military life took on my family so I admitted it, repented and did a 180.


What, exactly, did you mean by this, OP? What were you repenting for?


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## aaarghdub

Rowan said:


> What, exactly, did you mean by this, OP? What were you repenting for?




Basically putting more effort into career than family and saw what I was missing and the effects of being away from family.


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## Thor

Your wife was sexually abused as a child? If so, she will never change and she will likely go deeper into her dysfunctions, unless she gets good qualified psychotherapy (not faith-based) for her trauma. Even then she has a big challenge ahead. She is going to have to really desire deep in her heart to face her demons and overcome them.

Absent this, there is literally no hope anything will change for the better.


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## Diana7

Tony Conrad said:


> I think it has to be christian marriage counselling but maybe also ordinary christian counseling. She obviously has childhood issues from her family. Usually forgiveness is one of the keys to start the healing but also prayer for the areas that received damage in her childhood. Her faith will get her through it and you need to encourage that as God will always be working in her in some area. We all need healing but if it is affecting our marriage in a big way then the need is more urgent. You know divorce is out of the question. She is not vindictive. She just has problems that will have answers in God.


Absolutely. I know several people who were abused as children who were helped greatly by forgiving their abusers and also by getting Christian prayer ministry. Forgiveness opens the door to inner healing and prayer ministry heals the deep hurts.


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