# Need help my wife says she hates my kids!



## chappy4880

My wife told me she hates my kids(her step kids) and don't want anything to do with them. When we first got together she always wanted to do stuff with them and take them places. Now for the last year she has been telling me that she should have to do anything with them or go to anything for them( birthday party's, football games, etc.) since they are not her kids. She says that she hates them because of they look at like she is stupid ( but mind you they are 6 and 8), she thinks they are mean to her but they have never been by them self with her i have always been there with them, and they do say thank you when we take them to a movie or to dinner. I only have them every other weekend and all she does is sit in the bedroom and watch TV. my boys are always asking them to play games with them, play outside, or play video games but she gets an attitude with them when they ask.

I don't know what to do!!! Do i stay and hope that it gets better or do I cut my ties with her and live my life?


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## swedish

chappy4880 said:


> Now for the last year she has been telling me that she should have to do anything with them or go to anything for them( birthday party's, football games, etc.) since they are not her kids. She says that she hates them because of they look at like she is stupid ( but mind you they are 6 and 8), she thinks they are mean to her but they have never been by them self with her i have always been there with them, and they do say thank you when we take them to a movie or to dinner.


I disagree with your wife. Although she does not have any legal obligation to your boys, when she decided to marry you knowing you had children, she agreed to having them in her life by default.

She is backing out on that agreement by pushing them away now that you are married. Because? They looked at her funny? Okay, I have three kids and they have all done that at one point or another. If she is an adult, she should be able to put innocent children before herself. Her reaction is very immature.

What can you do? I am glad you are concerned for your children as they do not deserve to be ignored by your wife when they are with you. I would try to get to the bottom of you wife's insecurity with having your boys there...she can be a very positive influence on their life or she can continue to do what she is doing... is she really that childish and selfish or do you think she can be convinced that you, the boys and even she will feel better if she is a positive force in their lives?


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## chappy4880

I have asked her why she feels like that many times and the awnser that i get is "i dont know why i feel like that i just do". My boys adore her and want to see her all the time but she just keeps pushing them away. I am getting tired of the way she is with them and i dont know if i can get over her hating her. That brings me to the question again do i stay or do i leave?


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## turnera

I would leave. Your kids are more important.

And leaving would send the message that - should she decide she really wants to be married to you - she CAN do what's necessary to change her attitude. But it will never change if you just allow it.


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## swedish

That is heart-breaking to read that they adore her and she pushes them away 

It just seems crazy that she married you knowing you had kids and now is willing to throw away her marriage because she is too stubborn/selfish to do the right thing by them.

Only you can decide whether to stay or leave. I do not think this is worth ending a marriage over & my gut says you need to get to the bottom of her "i don't know why i feel this way" response because there is a lot at stake here ~ the well-being of your boys and your marriage! I don't think I'd bail just yet, but I sure would keep prodding for some real answers from her.

Is she jealous of the time you spend with them? Feels left out? Second fiddle when they are around? It must be something...


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## RatherSharp

chappy4880 said:


> I have asked her why she feels like that many times and the awnser that i get is "i dont know why i feel like that i just do". My boys adore her and want to see her all the time but she just keeps pushing them away. I am getting tired of the way she is with them and i dont know if i can get over her hating her. That brings me to the question again do i stay or do i leave?



I would stay and try to work it out with your wife. Does she hurt them, does she talk crap to them or harm them in any way? If not then just spend time with your sons seperatley from your wife. If the only dilemma is her not wanting to hang around them then that deson't sound like a big deal. Why do men who have kids from a previous marriage always want thier current wives to have some kind of relationship with thier spawn from another marriage? If you have kids with you're current wife then it would be important for her to interact with your sons. It doesn't sound like that's the case so why is it important for them to bond? Her saying she hate them is wrong. 

If a woman doesn't have kids (by choice) why do you think she would want to deal with someone else's? I say this in cases where the father has the kids every weekend or every other weekend. What's the big deal, why can't she just go shopping or to the salon when the kids come around?


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## secondamoglie

dont force her!i am in the same situation with ur wife!i never harmed any body in my life and i cant beleive my self i freak out with the kids of my husband!i never liked the ideawith kids it was a no go for me till i met my husband i tried blow him off but he insisted on me and since he was really nice person was to hard to drop him!!!!,but i said i should give a try i was barly see(kids) them since i live in an other country,

problem is that all that situation is not natural!its hard to love some one elses kids and especially from other woman the feeling is extremely akward!the more i bond with my husband the more i freak out with them!and the more the ex control the more i hate they exist!i wish no divorce was there nobody would be in so akward situation!its extremely hurtful every time i see them remind me of past life!but now i am in the situation!u never know how it is when ur in it!i cry in the week and i feel frustratted he dont know wot to do and me aswel...but i think is our nature like that!some women are more tolerant some no!divorce is not normal kids are in not normal situation ,and spouses also!after marrige breakes nothing is normal again!!!

but dont force her if she is nice person in general and treat u well dont drop it!i treat my husband 1000times better than the ex!i found an abadon person from love cloth,food,etc,and i helped a lot,but i cant take it i cant run behind kids when the mother breaks it for ever,i want a new start as every other woman,so those women should think really well before they break a marrige for stupid reasons,i am not gona ruin it cause sombody else did already,just keep those two families saparated thats wot i told my husband keep it away from me,dont put that hurtful situation on me!


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## richardhogg44

Its very important to choose a good life partner before marriage.Which will influence the future life of your family.I think Its necessary to make better understanding between you husband wife.Your wife hates your kids,make equal upbringing rights for kids.


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## MsLonely

chappy4880 said:


> My wife told me she hates my kids(her step kids) and don't want anything to do with them. When we first got together she always wanted to do stuff with them and take them places. Now for the last year she has been telling me that she should have to do anything with them or go to anything for them( birthday party's, football games, etc.) since they are not her kids. She says that she hates them because of they look at like she is stupid ( but mind you they are 6 and 8), she thinks they are mean to her but they have never been by them self with her i have always been there with them, and they do say thank you when we take them to a movie or to dinner. I only have them every other weekend and all she does is sit in the bedroom and watch TV. my boys are always asking them to play games with them, play outside, or play video games but she gets an attitude with them when they ask.
> 
> I don't know what to do!!! Do i stay and hope that it gets better or do I cut my ties with her and live my life?


Young children are non-negotiable. You must refuse to see such bad attitude from your wife towards your kids, if you don't make noise, she thinks you're ok with her attitude, then things will go worse and worse.

You can't give in to a mean person.

Any person who hate kids are considered mean, no matter whose kids they're. Kids should only be loved & protected. That's what they deserve.


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## LLisa

I actually came back and registered because I kept thinking about your post and just had to respond.

You say your children are 6 and 8, as if that excuses any behavior they might have, such as looking at the stepmom as if she is stupid. 6 and 8 are difficult ages, but it is a very important and pivotal point in their upbringing. If you do not get a grip on their behavior now, how do you think life will be when they are 10 and 12? or 14 and 16? Treating your wife with disrespect is not ok. 

I would highly recommend a parenting coach if you can afford one or if your insurance will cover it. If not, then there usually are a fair number of parenting classes for free in the community offered through schools and such. If nothing else, there are books on parenting. 

You need to do this for your children. Even if you do not care if your wife leaves, your children's future really does depend on this. If you allow them to behave like this, you may think you are making them happy now. But in reality, you are not equipping them with the skills they will need in the future to get along with others, to deal with having a boss, to get through college with roommates and professors, and so on. And their marriages. 

I hope you can work through this and seriously consider what I have said. (((hugs))))


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## greeneyeddolphin

Ok, I look at this from several different angles. 

As a single parent, my rule has always been that although I was not looking for a father for my children, any man that I chose to be with had to be willing to act as a father figure to my children. Men who hate children, don't want children, are uncomfortable around children were generally out of the running as soon as I found that out. My children are my children, and they are not going anywhere. Therefore, any man in my life MUST accept them. And if that man accepted them and later changed his mind, well...that would be grounds for me to end the relationship. 

And when it comes to the kids...I agree with LLisa to a point. The kids are old enough to know right from wrong, and looking at an adult like they are stupid is not appropriate. At the same time, all kids do it. I'm sure my kids roll their eyes behind my back a lot. As a mom, I've grown a thick skin and don't let it bother me when my kids look at me weird or whatever. If your wife is that bothered over a child looking at her strangely, how does she get through the rest of her life? How does she deal with a reprimand from her boss, or a cashier that's rude? 

I don't know if you two have kids together, or if you plan to, but I would consider her treatment of your kids before having kids with her. Resentment will build very quickly if your kids see her treating her children with you better than them. 

Also, in response to RatherSharp, to your question of if a woman doesn't have kids of her own, why would she want to deal with someone else's? That would be my question, but not to this father, but to the wife. She knew going in that he had kids. If she didn't want kids, then marrying a man who has them was not the best choice. They may not be biologically hers, but barring him completely giving up his rights, there's nothing she can do to avoid them. If she didn't want kids, then she should have found a man who didn't have kids and shared her feelings on the issue.


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## Candystripes

I have so many things to suggest, based on my own experience as a child in a divorced situation and with a step mother: 

1. be strong for your kids and show them they are first. Tell your wife that your kids are first in line but you love her dearly and see an exciting future for you all. 

I have been married for 10 years with four kids and my husband and i always make time to be with each other and put our relationship 'first' but it probably doesn't look that way to the kids or to us even at times. there are lots of times where we bend very far in order to love our kids, spend the time needed and in a divorced situation, the new spouse isn't up to speed or used to the routines and how much time and emotional energy is spent thinking of your kids. having a new wife must be very hard for a man because us women ask for so much of our men. but this is why i say: be strong for your kids and let them know that you will still be there to pick them from games or whatever even if you have to miss a lunch date with your wife as these things would happen in any marriage with kids.

2. continue to encourage healthy bonding between your wife and your kids. your kids know you are together and they will always feel like something is wrong with them, or with your marriage and you will loose their respect. there is a way, you need to find it. lots and lots and lots of praise to your wife. lots and lots of attention to your kids. ask your wife things like: do you feel close to me? what can i do to make your day amazing? what would your ideal day with my kids be like? help her find her way.

3. Lead your wife constantly (similar to number 1). you have to toughen yourself and bring yourself to a new level of man-ness. you now have a complicated relationship and a complicated life. 

it will take a new level of awareness than ever before. you still have an ex wife, now a new wife. though you are still not married to the first, she is still in your life and you have to manage that relationship as well. in addition, the kids are a walking realization to your wife and is a source that brings you back to your old life constantly. your wife can see that connection and FOR SURE is jealous (no matter if your ex wife is loser). so, i would suggest taking counseling to better yourself in this area (big time). you can look at your life as a continuation rather than an old and a new, your life is becoming further defined, not dropped off with the old and into the new, it's too hurtful to everyone when you are leaving the 'old' people in the dust and also, it hurts the new people in your 'new' future. and most importantly, talk your issues out loud to whoever you can, express what you are learning with your wife, it will give her hope. men are too lousy at saying it all and your wife is probably stuggling with her worth, what direction to take, and her limitations. 

Your wife needs a lot of direction and assurance that she is not getting lost in the attention your kids need, becasue your kids need *a lot* of attention/time and love. it is difficult for a new wife to bear the attention you give to your kids, expecially when some things seems overdone to her, but *do not* hold back your love or creativity with your kids because of her whining. the kids will be punished for her whining behavior. rather, your wife should be punished for her own whining behavior. women can be big babies too. the world does not revolve around sad, jealous step mothers. the kids certainly won't think so as they get older. I liked my step mother until she took my dad away from me due to her jealousy. her little comments to dad here and there made him stop being creative with my. she didn't understand, we are all growing up no matter how old we are. we are all facing new situations that we've never come across before... so how can we expect to be on our best behavior. Help her be mature about it all or dump her!! i personally don't know if i hate my step mother more or my dad more. Both of them have been very very selfish and don't see the world around their little marriage they are 'protecting'. they have dumped his old life together and 'embraced' a new life with her kids, her interests and goals because she is too scared to let him have a life that's not controlled by her. if you can see your life in any way touching on this trait: stand up to the situation because it only gets worse. we all are given and inch and will take a mile if allowed to. it's a backwards golden rule. 

dr laura is great for divorced couple advice. she says to not remarry until the kids are out of the house. how much easier it would be to raise kids without a second wife telling you what to do or how she doesn't like the kids. but now you are here, it's tough for you isn't it? 

i would offer some encouragement: when the kids are out of the house, there will be another stage of your life. my husband and i always talk about the next stage of our lives... when the youngest is in school, when the youngest is in university. until then, we know we have to sacrafice a lot of our freedom. hell, if i didn't have little kids at home, i wouldn't be sitting her writing to you, i would be on the other side of the world lovin life, but can't cause, got kids, have to sacrifice. why oh why oh why do step mothers/ wives think they can do it differently, everyone needs to sacrifice real dream and ambitions for the greater good? duh!! they want to be out lovin life, but where is the real world you have to face?

you have a big task in front of you but a real man can look forward and see the amazing possibilities ahead (and lead his wife). you can do it! i doubt anyone will read this massive post, but i think it's all important. does anyone else?


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## OneLuckyMommy

chappy4880 said:


> I have asked her why she feels like that many times and the awnser that i get is "i dont know why i feel like that i just do". My boys adore her and want to see her all the time but she just keeps pushing them away. I am getting tired of the way she is with them and i dont know if i can get over her hating her. That brings me to the question again do i stay or do i leave?


Wow, for a minute there I thought you may have been my husband (until I read that your boys adore her)! I have been with my husband for 10 years. His boys were 2 yrs old & 6 months old when we started dating. His youngest son use to stick to me like glue. I don't know how, what or why things changed but about 3 years ago the boys started treating me like crap. It would start with a "stare/look" then their actions towards me when I would say something to them until now they are just down right nasty as hell towards me. The youngest is the worst! 
As for your wife, I'd say there is more to it then "I don't know" (which to me is a childish answer). My step-sons would do & still do a lot of things while my husband wasn't in the room/house or even when he was asleep. As a woman in a situation similar to your wife's: I'd say dig deeper! Something is putting that feeling there! Maybe she wants her own child & feels like she can't because you already have 2 of your own or feels left out, under-minded, a third wheel, etc.? Good luck!


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## ladyybyrd

Your wife just didn't wake up one day and say "i hate my husbands kids" The feeling has always been there. My husband has 3 children, I love all of them, like they are my own. Maybe she is jealous, because you have children with another woman and not with her.


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## PrivateTalk

I am a step-mom to 2 kids from my husbands prev marriage. I knew he had kids going in but his wife has primary care. the kids are now 5 and 9.
I'm sorry to tell you and please don't think I'm horrible or that your wife is but I still haven't been able to really feel close to them, don't get me wrong these are great kids and I am very nice to them and treat them well when they are with me but they are not mine. I married my husband and was understanding that there were children from a prev relation but that did and does not mean that I want to raise them as mine. I now have a little baby and am pregnant with my next these ones that I have birthed are mine. and his other children come over and are wonderful siblings to my child but they are still not mine, of course he loves them but I don't, I *like* them but it is very very hard to feel close to children when they are very capable of hurting your heart by doing things that are innocent (we may be adults but we can and do get hurt by kids) and it was only a matter of time that I shut my heart off to them rather than continue my decline into depression just dealing with them, they didn't mean it but I had to distance myself for my own well being. that may be what your wife is doing.

please don't write hatefull mail back to me I'm only offering another truthfull prospective.


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## turnera

Have you been to therapy to deal with this issue? You're going to need to, or your marriage may not survive.


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## AvaTara539

OMG divorce now!! I didn't even need to read the post to figure that out! You and your kids are inseparable, if she can't hack it, and isn't willing to seek professional help for that/go to an MC or IC, forget her. Wives are not always forever but our children are.


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## iSquirrel

I agree with PrivateTalk! I am in a mess myself with a wonderful husband I adore. Our relationship started 4 years ago and I knew he had 3 boys. What I didn't know was that they each had autism -- yes, all three of them! I met them for the first time only after we dated for three months. By then, we were already in love and it wouldn't have mattered -- I wasn't going to leave him. Coming from a lonely and abusive marriage and giving up completely on the possibility of ever finding a nice man, you could imagine how lucky I felt to find him! He felt the same, having gone through a terribly abusive marriage with a bipolar wife. I have never liked her without even knowing her because I could hear her when she was on the phone with my husband. She is an angry and unhealthy being. I kept my distance out of respect, since they were only separated for 3 years when we met. So after meeting the boys, I did like them, but again, I didn't know about their shortcomings. And neither did my husband! It wasn't until we purchased a house together and his boys stayed with us for 10 straight days, whilst the mother's life was imploding for any number of reasons. At the end of this 10 days I felt like jumping out of a 50-story building. That being said, everyone has 'stuff'...their own story...their own situation. My husband and I were married 2 years ago and to tell you truth, I simply cannot stomach being around his boys. I have tried. I bought books, spoke to people, prayed about it...wished I felt differently. How would you feel if you loved someone so much, yet hated their kids, through no fault of their own, and you have to deal with this problem for the rest of your days and not be the stepmother you want to be ...like my husband is to my own (normal) kids. I've gone to IEP meetings. I've had social workers here. We've had 'training' by professionals which did nothing. Text books on autism give no help, since they assume only ONE child in the household has autism. I remember reading "How does the normal sibling feel about "Timmy" who has been diagnosed with autism?"..and such questions like that. Well, what if the siblings are autistic too?! So yes, you could quickly see that there was something really wrong about these kids from the get-go. My husband never had other kids to compare them too. His then-4-year-old son has this "cute toddler voice" as he put it. Well, now he stills speaks this way and he's EIGHT. We have gone through extensive testing to find these diagnoses. On top of this, they each have ADHD. One even has epilepsy. They are very immature and clingy and 'girlish' compared to my 'manly' 10-year-old son. I was a single parent for 5 years and worked so hard to get my kids to the point where they are mature, self-sufficient and more than helpful. His kids are useless really. They don't "do" anything but watch TV or play video games..and they whine, cry, and have meltdowns here and there. It drives me nuts. 

So yes, they are not my children and I do not love them. I do however CARE for them and I am nice to them when we see them 2-3 weekends per month. Dinner night is Tuesday of which I am NOT a fan. These kids can make anyone want to walk (or run) in the other direction. My husband knows and accepts how I feel. It IS sad too because I don't WANT to feel this way. Recently the mother abandoned them to us for TWO YEARS and I became so sick that I started therapy and needed medication for asthma-like symptoms. The doctor said my condition was caused by stress and anxiety. I literally shake when it's about the Thursday of the weekend they are coming here. I just don't want to be here. My husband is very understanding and supportive. We talk about it a lot. A big thing is the mother. I hate her very existence. She recently took the boys back and we cheerfully accepted the arrangement because I was sick and my husband was about to have a stroke at that time. Our marriage would certainly have failed if they hadn't gone back. The mother just 'parks' them at the TV and will even leave them home alone while she works at her job. It's despicable. And more so, knowing that they are better off with us. I just can't. For my health and well-being I must separate myself from them. I ignore them except when they talk to me. Then I do my best to hide my feelings. Believe me, they don't catch on because of the autism and if they do, well, I just do my best.

So that's MY story. I am different from PrivateTalk in that if someone wants to send me hate mail, that's fine. They don't know me, I don't know them and I came to this site because I did a search on "I hate my husband's kids". Hate IS a strong word and I'd like to think that I simply dislike them. I will NEVER like them or accept them. I don't care what people say or think if it's negative. They just don't understand the situation. They haven't walked in my shoes. I love children, people in general. I'm the nicest person I know. I am NOT an evil demon. I have feelings too. A woman's feelings are deep just like a man's, we just show it more -- they are better at hiding it. My feelings toward my husband's boys does worry me though. My husband deserves better, but to tell you the truth there's no one else on Earth that would live with this burden. Even my husband himself, before he met me, went on a date with a woman who had two autistic children. He was very honest with the (poor) woman when he told her that it could never work out. He remembers this when I'm off in some corner in a fetal position when the boys are here. Each individual boy IS special and a great kid -- I do know this. It's the EQUATION of all three -- stimming and walking around in circles (on their toes) and making annoying sounds all at the same time that drives me nuts..not to mention who wets their pants on any given day. Heaven help us. They are now 11, 10 and 8 -- but more like 7, 5 and 4 if you know anything about this disease. So no, needless to say my husband and I do not have children, since we suspect the autism comes from his family (he has some rather 'strange' nieces and nephews too) and we think that even HE may be autistic himself. There is always hope -- but for now I just keep to myself. We have a big house and a bigger yard to upkeep and my children and I keep it all looking nice.

There IS a reason why this other man's wife hates his kids. Just know that they are indeed NOT hers and that I am proof that people just have this sense about them and that they are entitled to their own feelings and should not be judged. I think that her feelings may have been evident prior to the marriage or that perhaps the husband didn't want to 'see' it -- like mine. My husband gave those boys over to the mother knowing how horrible a person she is...knowing that's what I needed. The WIFE comes first, not the children. They go on to grow up, get married and move on and then it's just the two of you. The marriage is most important. It is the way it is supposed to be. Of course children need care and have special needs...don't I know. But at the end of the day, I come FIRST and he comes first in my life. We both adore our own children and this doesn't mean ignoring them, of course. I couldn't possibly love my children more than I do. ALL of them including my husband are my life. I could not live without any of them for a moment. We are both extraordinary parents to our own kids and extraordinarily good at the marriage part. I think of myself as the "Evil Stepmother" from Cinderella; though I would never ever do anything to cause them harm. I do the best I can, even though many of you may think it isn't. So be it. Anyone giving advice to divorce had better know what they're talking about. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like that to me. Shame on you -- that's very shallow. You don't know the whole story. Get this woman on the site and she'll be the missing piece of the puzzle. You can't give advice in a vacuum cleaner. You can't give advice with only 50% of a story. My theory is, my boys have a mother (such as she is) but nonetheless she's there. They live with her. Nothing I do changes. I tried for two years against my will...agreeing to it for my husband's sake. I tried EVERYTHING..to no avail. If they ever need me for anything, I am here. But for now, I separate myself when I need to and hang with them when we are together as a family doing fun things. Don't advise divorce. It makes things even worse for the children.

If anyone would like to offer a comment to my post, I invite you to do so, since it helps me to understand how I'm being viewed by others. Thanks for reading and good luck to man with the wife who hates his kids. Accept this and don't push it. It is what it is. Love her anyway -- she deserves it.


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## OneLuckyMommy

@ Squirrell.....I love you! Lmao! You have said what I have been feeling for years! Until your in "my" shoes, don't you dare pass judgement on me! My youngest stepson has gone as far as accusing me of pulling a gun on my husband, beating him with a metal spatula (I have never owned one)...the list goes on. I'm counting down the years! I to shake when I find out he's coming. Medication, therapy, etc does not help or work. I call the kid Lucifer! God forgive me but I absolutley HATE him & his sorry a$$ mama. As far as the typical theory of him hating me because he thinks I'm the reason his mom and dad aren't together, I call bs! He has NEVER seen them together. He is satin in the flesh!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

squirrel, the only thing I would say is that - as you suggest - kids are only around for about 20 years and, as you as adults CHOSE to have them (or marry someone who had them) you now have an obligation to put YOUR needs at LEAST at the same level as theirs if not behind theirs, for the 20 years you have them. Your 'job' as a parent (or wife of a parent) is to ensure that those 20 years cement a feeling of utter unconditional love, of being wanted, and that they are being flooded with a LOT of morals teaching, attention, conversations, guidance, and admiration for accomplishments.

Your job is to develop a happy, healthy, self-secure ADULT by focusing on them for their first 20 years. IT'S YOUR JOB because you chose to HAVE them.

As you said, they will be gone, and you can 'live your life' once they are, and you can enjoy your newfound freedome and rest assured that you have unleashed into the world a happy, successful, fearless young adult.

Or, you can focus on your own desires while they're growing up and turn out needy, scared, insecure, angry young adults who hate themselves for not being lovable enough to get your attention, and who go on to have less ambition, get fired more often, be more likely to get on drugs, _keep coming home with their hand out_ because they don't have the inner steel to become happy successful adults. And then you'll be stuck with them for life. 

Sounds like a no-brainer to me.


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## OneLuckyMommy

turnera said:


> squirrel, the only thing I would say is that - as you suggest - kids are only around for about 20 years and, as you as adults CHOSE to have them (or marry someone who had them) you now have an obligation to put YOUR needs at LEAST at the same level as theirs if not behind theirs, for the 20 years you have them. Your 'job' as a parent (or wife of a parent) is to ensure that those 20 years cement a feeling of utter unconditional love, of being wanted, and that they are being flooded with a LOT of morals teaching, attention, conversations, guidance, and admiration for accomplishments.
> 
> Your job is to develop a happy, healthy, self-secure ADULT by focusing on them for their first 20 years. IT'S YOUR JOB because you chose to HAVE them.
> 
> As you said, they will be gone, and you can 'live your life' once they are, and you can enjoy your newfound freedome and rest assured that you have unleashed into the world a happy, successful, fearless young adult.
> 
> Or, you can focus on your own desires while they're growing up and turn out needy, scared, insecure, angry young adults who hate themselves for not being lovable enough to get your attention, and who go on to have less ambition, get fired more often, be more likely to get on drugs, _keep coming home with their hand out_ because they don't have the inner steel to become happy successful adults. And then you'll be stuck with them for life.
> 
> Sounds like a no-brainer to me.



I disagree! I have helped raise my step sons for 11yrs. They are both ungrateful, hateful & selfish teenagers. What they turn out to be can not be put on the step parents shoulders. Regardless of ones past and or "faimly issues", as an adult you know what's right and what's wrong. There has been a many of persons who had a terrible (worse than living with a step mother & making it your life's mission to make her miserable) who have turned t wonderful, strong & indepedant people. To put it bluntly, I 't give a damn what they turn out to be. Blaming a tortured step parent is crap! It's the birth parents responsibility to teach morals, respect & self control, not ours!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iSquirrel

Yes, ladies. You are BOTH right. You have to remember that each case we are discussing here IS an individual one, with many many different kinds of mothers, fathers and children. You can't 'blanket' advice on any one situation. 

Turnera, I hear you and thanks for your input. Like I said, it is important to me to hear other people's opinions. Yes, these boys will be my husband's priority for at least the next 10 years and with their special-needs status, possibly even much longer (I fret). I'm fine with this and am not jealous or needy or anything like that. The boys experience in us a solid, healthy and very happy relationship, which is good for ALL of the children. We are very playful and zany here and it's fun and laughable most of the time.

But I have to disagree on one point. I ultimately am not responsible for these boys to a certain degree. Yes, of course I have to protect them and teach them right from wrong. Believe me, I'm here for them as a healthy icon, but I cannot stand them! They are irritating and annoying beyond anyone's understanding. They do however have a loving father and a not-so-capable mother that they live with, unfortunately. And that's the main thing; no matter what we do here in this house, they always have to go back to Mrs. "I'm-too-fat-and-lazy-and-depressed-to-step-up-and-be-a-parent-and-to-go-out-and-find-a-real-full-time-job-so-that-when-the-alimony-runs-out-i-don't-go-bankrupt". Whew! Yes, lots of resentment there! Just keeping it real!

So yes Turnera, you said it yourself, SHE CHOSE to have these kids and refuses to parent them. My husband knows, has been told and understands completely that if I'd have known about the fact that all three of his boys were autistic and that the mother would experience multiple nervous breakdowns and continue to dump these kids on us; refusing to visit with them at times, that i would NOT have agreed to marrying him in the first place; no matter how much I love him. Sad, but true. But I HAVE and so instead of doing what MOST people have agreed to, I have been inadvertently "trapped" into this situation. My own family has rejected me because of these boys. I have been heartbroken about this for years, but it's the truth and NO ONE will admit it! They are not liking my husband because they think he knew about the boys and was just looking for a nice girl to settle down with. My husband makes this situation WORK by constantly appreciating my very existence. Hopefully because he truly truly adores me like he says and not just because he is trying to prevent me from getting in the car and driving away LOL!

So the mother of these sick boys: She parks them in front of the TV and won't do anything fun with them. They complain to us about this all the time. She won't take them sleigh riding or for a snowball fight or to the beach in the summer. She is PATHETIC! Now, I can be nice if I try really hard, but it is difficult to show affection to children you just don't like. And of course a lot of this is coming from my resentment of HER. Still, my number-one responsibility to them now is not to allow them to know this - EVER -- or else they WILL become what you say. And yes, I'm fully aware of body language; which is why I tend to go in the back or remove myself from the house...drive around the neighborhood on nights when they have dinner here...until they go home (I outwardly admitted this to my husband -- LOL why does this man love me so much?) 

My husband is an incredible father/husband. When everyone else (and I do mean everyone) wants to run in the opposite direction, my husband cannot and will not ever do this. Instead, he showers them with attention, love and support. At times, though, he had gotten carried away and I have stepped in to correct and help with some serious mistakes he has made as a parent thusfar (I have a 22-yr-old..I have LOTS of parental experience); for instance, brushing their teeth for them or waiting on them as though they are completely helpless, or giving into them just to avoid a meltdown, or snuggling with them in bed because they are having trouble sleeping -OR- my favorite one: Allowing them to sit on his lap -- the oldest ones are 10 and 11! Remember now, these are not normal children by any stroke. We "try" to get them to act better, even though a lot of the things they do, they cannot help. My husband wants so much for them to be normal like my kids, which includes treating them as if they are normal; but this most of the time only makes the situation more difficult because they fail at it and are made fun of or bullied. He and his ex-wife, because of me and my insistence on getting them tested in the first place, have been in denial for far too long. When they lived with me, they learned to dress themselves (including FINDING their own clothing articles instead of Daddy doing it), clean up their messes, handle bullying and eat like human beings and not as though it was their last meal. I even had them holding their bladders for a time there. At ages 5, 7 and 8, they were ALL full-bladder wetting their pants on a daily basis. (Are we having fun yet?) My middle stepson is quite heavy (keep your arms and legs close to your body -- he may just try to eat them!), and I showed him healthier things to eat. Mainly he loves sugar (I mean, who DOESN'T?) But sugar and ADHD/Aspbergers do incredibly bad things to his brain. My husband refuses to see this and won't even open the book I bought over three years ago. If the parents don't care, what I am supposed to do? Sit on him? (At age 10 he weighs about the same as me!) But still, but still, but still....they go back to this terribly obese depressed mother who doesn't care...and so they regress into the pit from which I pulled them. It has gotten impossible. I have a loving father over HERE making mistakes and a bad "egg-donor" over THERE that only cares about herself. What is my role now? I've tried, but it's never completed because of other two. I used to joke that between the two parents, they share a brain -- but it isn't funny anymore! 

So now, I just 'tolerate' them. I am not a quitter in this light, am I? Have you ever told an autistic kid to do or not do something? You'd be amazed to find that you'd repeat yourself until you are BLUE as if it were never said in the first place. It's a lost cause! But they do love me, because I'm very positive and upbeat, which is a real shame, since I simply cannot reciprocate this love -- but I AM there for them because it's my duty to my husband. He understands. I'm not really sure why he doesn't hate me, but he doesn't. I can joke about how 'horrible' I am and my kids and I joke about it all the time when we are not around the boys or my husband, which is bad I know. But we are ALL in this mess together! 

Like I said before, I worked hard as a single mother for years to get my own kids to the point of maturity today. These boys are very immature and I don't have the time or the patience to take years of steps back. They cannot keep up with me or with my kids, so there will always be two 'separate' families, and not one big family. One very small and random example is that we live on 3 acres of land. Let's say we wanted to go for a hike. Forget it! They are afraid of the woods! So what am I supposed to do, tell my own kids we can't go on a hike? So many better examples, but I think of any at the moment... If I were to let my kids outside, immediately they would run off and do something...play soccer, climb a tree, I don't know...anything?? If I let THESE kids out the door, guess what they do?? They walk IN CIRCLES. Physically in circles, mumbling to themselves for what seems like forever before they 'wake up' and go play. And it doesn't last for long. They come back in a few minutes and want to sit and watch TV...while my own kids are out there pulling weeds and sweeping the decks. BIG difference. 

I told my husband and he understood before we got married that I was to be more like a friend than a mother to them...because that's all i am. They don't act like my own children and therefore they are not my children. I've tried to 'mold' them. Notta! 

If their mother was dead, that would be a different story -- but (unfortunately for society) she isn't dead. I'm trying every day though..to better myself and I pray my feelings get better so that I can come to love them the way my husband loves my children -- like his own... 

The way I describe my feelings is: think of someone or something that really annoys you. Let's pick something like "loud music". Okay, so you're walking down a narrow alleyway and there are two open doors. Inside one door is this blaring music with a sound you simply cannot stand -- it gives you a headache, makes you uneasy, confused... the other door is a quiet cafe with tables with pretty centerpieces and linens. A pianist is playing softly in the background and the smell of chocolate and coffee are wafting it's way to your nose. Which door do you choose?? THAT's how I feel. Nuff said.

Now OneLuckyMommy...I was glad I got a laugh out of you and that you agree with my situation, but I feel for you. It sounds as though you've got some offspring over there with real issues. Again, very different and individual situations! Eleven years to no avail??! Hmmm....not sure if I would have stayed. Your husband must be a SAINT and I sure hope he is! How old are these children? Teenagers are little creeps to begin with. The first time my daughter got out of line with me (I think she was 11 or 12) I literally took her by the front of her shirt with my hand and shoved her against the wall...looked her straight in the eye and demanded respect. To this day, we joke about it but it did work. At 22, she can get me mad, but she is still respectful. Sounds like you missed that window of opportunity. Don't get me wrong I am NOT a hitter or an abusive parent. It was a means to get my point across. Let your hubby handle this one (or is it two) Pulling a gun? YIKES. If it were me I'd really have to put my foot down and insist on remedial psychological care for these kids. What the heck? But anything can be going on there. Teenagers can be really tough if we allow them to walk all over us. It's a very difficult time for both them and us parents. It usually passes at around age 18 or so, so let's hope for this for you! 

We know as stepmoms that we can never replace the mothers (and why try?! My husband's ex is a blob and I'm an athlete, for starters LOL) Hey, I have to poke fun -- it keeps me sane -- I am anything but a snob really!!  But seriously, I don't have enough info on your situation to advise you properly. However, anyone who disrespects me is handled by my husband..and he would not allow my stepsons to speak to me in a disrespectful way. (They are young yet anyway..) 

Does your husband support your feelings? I'll bet it's their word against yours maybe? I know a lot of these 'divorced' children really blame themselves for the breakups and can easily hate the new woman in their father's life ...because we turn up and smash their dreams of the parents ever getting back together again! And so no matter what WE do, including trying to rub our good nature on them, it doesn't work. This leads me back to Turnera...so I tell the heavy child to stop eating the cookies. I tell him to maybe eat just one or two and then have a piece of fruit instead. But then he goes back home to "Babar" and straps on his feedbag. What are we supposed to do? If we put them to bed on time and limit their video game playing HERE, and they go back and do the opposite, what can we do? We have an angry ex-wife and mother over there (she lives 2 miles away too which is always a joy). She refuses to work with us because she's jealous and angry and she hates my guts because her boys love being here. She forgets that it was SHE who ended the marriage because she was depressed. The house wasn't big enough, the car wasn't nice enough, he wasn't making enough money (what, six figures isn't enough for you??) Okay, so she throws him out and three years later he meets me. Now she's in a rage because she realized that there's no one else on Earth like the wonderful husband she so cheerfully set free (I mean, how much can I hate this woman?! Thank you!!!) So she spends all of her time thinking of ways to hurt my husband (it's always his wallet of course)..and she's over there "struggling" while we live high on the hog over here...or at least that's what she thinks and was able to convince a man-hater judge of the same... it's a crazy crazy resentful situation over here. But the equation is it comes trickling down to the boys. She took them back for the MONEY. Sad, but so true. She abandoned them for two years and her stepmother wouldn't allow them at her house because of their behavior. Believe me, and like so many books on autism say "Once you meet one autistic kid, you won't want to meet another one!" Well, try THREE. So yes, they experience rejection -- from Mom, from Grandmom, from people at school, at camp, everywhere. WE, through mere association, experience rejection from friends, family and neighbors. People in public look at us funny, especially when someone is acting up. The autism world is different. This story would be sad enough if my stepsons were NORMAL. Blended families are difficult enough. Sure, what's best for these boys is to be with us, with normal children their own age. But is being around them best for MY children? DEFINITELY not. We were ALL therapy-worthy last year around this time. My airway was physically closing on me, causing me to not be able to take a breath in or out for what seemed like minutes. Very scary! This is what these kids do to me. One Friday, when I thought that it was a weekend WITHOUT them (I miscalculated the weekends -- we have them not every other, but SHE has them only the 2nd and 4th...pretty crafty, eh?) I was walking in my yard shortly after my husband came home from work. I didn't realize the boys were here. They ran straight for the backyard after arriving here. So I'm walking out to the back and saw them. Put it this way, I had an outer-body experience.  My knees went weak and I struggled to get back into the house. The look on my face scared the hell out of my children and my husband who were all standing there. Apparently I looked as though the puppy just got hit by a car. And he might as well have. This is what their mere presence does to me (if in fact I hadn't had all week to gear up for it, mind you) I felt my throat closing and was dizzy and nauseous...like I was going to pass out. This was NOT an overreaction, as my husband FIRST thought...and wasn't happy about! This was completely involuntary. It scared even ME. THIS is why I'm struggling with the exact same feelings that everyone else has. I don't WANT to feel this way but I have no control over it. I even talk to myself -- nothing works because nothing changes. None of my work with them does anything. Nothing my husband does works. My kids try to help too, but nothing improves. There IS NO PROGRESSION. And I refuse to take a "happy pill" or to drink just to be able to deal with them. So, instead, I do the best I can and I know that's not good enough for them. I just separate myself. I go in the 'back' and do my own thing when they're here. But because I love their father, and had agreed to marrying him knowing I didn't like them, but did NOT know that it would get WORSE instead of better...I stay. I won't ever leave my husband for lack of love -- that's for certain. I do envision myself 10 years from now, learning that quite possibly, we may be stuck with the one that has Aspbergers. It scares me more than anything. But for now, they live with their mother and SHE has to deal with them and decide to work with us in agreeing to raise these boys together while apart. It's just that she is very immature and angry and I cannot change that. I get a FREE Get-Out-Of-Jail card for this one....
Let's keep discussing this, please!!


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## turnera

Sorry, I can't read 50 lines of test without paragraph breaks. If you want to keep discussing it, break it up into readable paragraphs.


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## JustSomeGuyWho

I can't imagine a situation where I would hate anybody's children. Be that as it may, not everyone feels the same way. I do know that my children are more important than I am. If I felt that their biological mother, let alone their step-mother, could harm them emotionally, even if unintentionally, that would be enough for me to end the relationship ... and yes, I do think that an unloving parent, even if they aren't the biological parent, can cause unintentional emotional harm simply from their inability to accept them. That is a very difficult situation, my friend, and I wish you the best of luck.


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## Bobby5000

You can certainly talk with her and acknowledge her stress. Perhaps you can go on a vacation together or do something else. Consider counseling. But ultimately she needs to get along with your children and I am not sure why she sees the need for such honesty. 

Imagine if you told her, look I know I am married, but you are basically average looking and I sometimes think how nice it would be to have a wife who was really hot.


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## curlysue321

I belong to a forum for stepmoms. Most of the women on that site have not bonded with their stepkids. It is normal to not feel close to a child that is not biologically yours. Being a stepparent is very difficult as we don't get to choose how to raise the kids because they are not ours, but we have to live with their behavior and are powerless and have no say. I would seriously try to keep an eye on your kids when they think you aren't looking to see if any eye rolling or other disrespectful behaviors are going on. Kids will be kids and will do what they are allowed to so if this is going on the problem isn't with them it is with you for allowing them to behave this way. 

The brady bunch is fantasy and if you want someone to love your kids like their own you shouldn't have gotten divorced.


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