# Dating a (genuinely) nice guy - helllp



## Alphabetic (Mar 12, 2014)

Alright, I'm not sure if this is the right forum/allowed-- since I'm not married... But I hope it's okay to ask on this site anyway, because I'm dating for marriage and so I'm not really interested in "relationship advice" from a bunch of singles, I want people who actually know what they're talking about.

Basically, I'm going out with someone. We were set up on a blind date, actually. 
My first physical impression of him-- "eh." (Not particularly repulsive, not particularly attractive).
First date conversation flowed very comfortably.
We continued going out.

As things started to get serious, I started to panic. Because in my head he makes sense (there's one or two issues I'm concerned about, ideological disagreements, but we've been discussing/negotiating those) but I am not feeling anything. 

I even am (intellectually) aware he has traits I have admired/been attracted to in other people before, but for some reason it refuses to -click-. 

He is a very good person. Considerate, helpful, smart, not arrogant, has a silly sense of humor. I have yet to meet a single person who knows him who isn't all praise.

My brain is busy flailing around trying to whip my stupid hormones into doing their job and creating an attachment. (Possibly doing more harm than good, trying too hard to "Feel it" might have made any budding feelings shrivel)

Meanwhile the guy has told me during a relationship-where-are-we talk that feelings-wise he's at a stage with me past what he's felt for any other girl.

My internal dialogue: oh shiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttttttttttttttttttt


trying to figure out what's going on with me and whether there's anything that can be done to solve it, i came up with two options.

1. it's subconscious, pheromones, whatever, and there's not really much i can do about it.

2. it has definitely been me setting the pace of the relationship and maybe that's the problem. I'm the one pushing for "deeper" (because i keep hoping if we keep moving forward in the relationship at some point we'll hit the level where something clicks for me). As a result, I'm bearing the brunt of the back-and-forth is-this-isn't-this decision-making-- after all, every time I take a step forward I'm first spending ages weighing if the possible benefit (of finally hitting the click) outweighs the cost (additional emotional investment making this much much more painful to break off if it ends). 
He's very much a "responding" type, he waits for cues from me and then responds accordingly. Whereas I haven't been given as much chance to "respond" in kind, i.e. he doesn't really initiate in such a way that i have to react, think on my feet. It's very very much tentatively feeling out if things are okay with me. (whereas I'm the one bulldozing with the "this might be uncomfortable for you but I'll ask anyway"). And to be honest I like that kind of give- in a relationship, but not for so much of it! I want it to be a back-and-forth give-and-take, like maybe 50/50, whereas we're running more like 90/10 right now. 

the problem with #2 is:
1. I'm not _certain_ it's the problem. i.e., the problem might be #1. the problem might be lingering doubts over issues and concerns. the problem might be inner fears on my part i haven't yet consciously uncovered and brought to light. it is possible that if #2 gets resolved I _still_ won't be feeling anything

2. Even if #2 is the problem, how on earth am i supposed to get it addressed? The problem is if I straight out tell him "Give me a date where you decide everything-- I mean everything-- conversation topic, venue, etc" it'll just be more of the same-- me directing what I want, him responding. Albeit in a more meta way. 
I don't even know how to express to him the balance of what I want, that I really appreciate his consideration (it's why I haven't ended the relationship and why I still want it to work out...) but that I need something else as well, that I don't seem to be able to coherently express.
(It's a pretty delicate balance for me, because feeling dominated in an arrogant way (read:ignored) turns me off faster than a circuit breaker...)


So two questions:
1. Am I wrong, and if the click isn't there it also ain't gonna be there, and this relationship is therefore not salvageable and I should just end it asap so that I don't cause further emotional pain than what I'm already guaranteed to cause?
2. If not, is there any effective way to make the dynamic change? Is there a delicate way of expressing to a guy "I'd like you to lead more"?


(Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh I feel like such a mean shrew =( dkjfhdsk)

Thanks guys.

Edit: bought some groceries, thought some thoughts.
1. as should be obvious form the fact we're even in this situation, i'm not a submissive type and him going full on dominant would be 1. impossible for him 2. not what i want. I'm just also not dominant-- I'm a switch, I like both, and only one or only the other gets annoying/boring

2. there's possible a different way of phrasing this problem.
right now, something he could do that would make me quite happy is buy me a gift.
the reason for this, and the reason why i can't _tell_ him this, is as follows:
I'm not really into gifts and they've never been a big love language for me.

However, since I have given no indication of wanting a gift-- it follows that, if he were to get me a gift, (and I'm even talking a 2$ joke gift here), he'd be doing something that I've given zero prior cue of "being okay" with, which means he'd be taking a risk / pushing me a little. We're not exactly talking jerk-y behavior, here, but still, a gift is a bit of a possessive, slightly controlling statement. 
So I wouldn't really care about the gift but I'd deeply value the risk-taking behind it.

and the key word here might be "pursuit".
forget dominant/submissive/whatever.
i feel like he's into me, but i don't feel like he's actively, risk-takingly trying to win me over. he's being too cautious. I mean if he's really so emotionally invested i guess i should have sympathy for why he wants to be cautious, but i don't, i wish he'd be braver. 
((and of course part of the problem here might very well be that he has no idea of how much legwork he still has to do to win me over because it's not unreasonable that he's reading into me much more interest than I'm feeling. xdlkjjgfslkdfjgdjlkgjlkkjl))


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## HuggyBear (Aug 4, 2012)

Do the people who are "praising him" actually believe what they are saying, or are they trying to influence your own thoughts towards this guy? 

I mean, do these people know you AND him? 

Do they know perhaps more about this guy that you do, or maybe something you can't see or figure out?

Or do these people know more about yourself than you know, and are trying to say that after seeing you for a few years, this is probably the best guy you've been with in your life, as opposed to a history of "you know"...

I'll say this: I've known about a dozen marriages that were "arranged", traditionally. These people often had nothing in common (besides culture), and definitely had no longing, let alone love for each other when they first met, and only married out of obligation.

They just happen to be the happiest and best adjusted couples I've met.


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## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

It's good that HuggyBear provided that perspective above, since you need to hear all points of view. But I think most people - including me - are going to tell you that if you don't feel the draw with this guy, in the long run, it just is not going to work. He can be a great match on paper but there is no accounting for good chemistry.

Neither you nor your dating partner want to be someone that is on a message board like this in 15-20 years saying you never truly loved him, that the sex is not satisfying, one of you strayed, or that your kids are going to be damaged by a divorce. There are enough posters like that around already.

You should never have to force a spark. If you are, then it is probably time to let this go.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> Meanwhile the guy has told me during a relationship-where-are-we talk that feelings-wise he's at a stage with me past what he's felt for any other girl.


:slap:



> i feel like he's into me, but i don't feel like he's actively, risk-takingly trying to win me over. he's being too cautious. I mean if he's really so emotionally invested i guess i should have sympathy for why he wants to be cautious, but i don't, i wish he'd be braver.


You want him to be all over you instead?
You see, nice guys get attached easily, allow themselves to be affected by oneitis, and he's most likely cautious as to not scare you off (which he almost did it seems)

Unfortunately from sounds of things he just has no game, dump him and let him moan for a bit and learn his lesson for the next one. Besides you don't even like him


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

How old are you both?


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

This happened with my current husband. Everything made logical sense, and I liked (even adored) him, but I think it took years for me to truly feel _love_ for him. I think many women aren't initially attracted to "the nice guy" for some reason. But for me, I followed my logical mind to stick with a man who had these wonderful traits and I'm glad I did. I love my husband with a passion now, though it took time to truly feel it. I am proud to have a husband who is considerate, caring and loving, and that I don't have to deal with all the nonsense of the "other" type of guy I had previously dated. 

So anyway, maybe putting all that pressure on yourself to feel the "click" is keeping your love for him from naturally growing. I am proof it can happen, and it can end well.

Anyway, I hope it all works out for you!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It sounds like he's a really great guy, and a good match on paper, but you feel no romantic passion for him. IMO, going forward in such a relationship would be a mistake, and eventually you will both regret it. If the passion does not develop naturally and soon, I think you should end it.

Too many people marry either for "looks good on paper and is a great person, but there's no passion" or for "I'm madly in love with him and I don't care that we're not really compatible in important ways." Both are huge mistakes, IMO. The best relationships have BOTH passion AND compatibility, and are likeliest to last and be happy long term.

However, as ComicBookLady said, there are exceptions and real love may come later. I do think that's an exception, and usually does not end that way.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

Number 1:
The lack of "spark".
Lack of "spark" or "lust" in your feelings need not mean that there is no future in your relationship. Neither is guaranteed to last and neither is needed for a happy successful relationship. If it is there then great but if you are both happy / content with the way things are developing why is it a problem? Deep love and understanding are possible without the “spark” and can grow / get stronger with time and shared experiences.

(In most areas of our lives we do not need "spark", you do not have to "love" your job, your home, your car etc as long as they serve your needs. If you do then it’s a bonus.)

Number 2;
Just because he is male and you are female does not mean that he has to be the decisive / dominant one within the relationship. I know plenty of women who have more energy / enthusiasm than many men. This is not the 1950's we are supposed to have gender equality now. If you want him to take the lead in an area then tell him, most men (me included) are terrible at picking up on hints / clues.

(It could be that he just does not want to impose his wishes on you, or is overdoing the being a gentlemen a bit.)

IHMO “spark” is over rated just because someone excites you does not mean they are a compatible life partner.
You should put real effort into getting to know this man properly, see if you share the same / similar long term goals and ambitions.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Alphabetic said:


> My brain is busy flailing aroun*d trying to whip my stupid hormones into doing their job and creating an attachment. *
> 
> Meanwhile the guy has told me during a relationship-where-are-we talk that feelings-wise he's at a stage with me past what he's felt for any other girl.
> 
> ...


The "oh shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit" dialogue is there for a reason. 

I personally am of the school of thinking that you cannot CREATE an attraction. I think it's either there or it isn't. The spark either exists or doesn't. Sure, some folks say that with time it can happen. I guess if you are in close proximity with someone a lot and feel a "pull" it could happen, but to me, that attraction has to be there on some kind of BASE level. I have never ever in my life been able to feel it for someone who it simply wasn't there with. The spark is very organic, IMO. 

Compatibility is very important, too. Massively. But to me, the spark is what separates a romantic relationship from a friend one. If I don't want to have sex with a man and can't fathom the idea of seeing his penis or feel an emotional tie/connection to him, it's simply not something that's going to happen for me or make me want to stay in a relationship with him.

How long have you two been dating? 

It sounds like he likes you a lot. So if you come to the conclusion it's just not happening for you, it'd better to cut this off sooner rather than later. Why? Because you are going to do more damage. To his heart and waste your time (both of your times, really). How would you feel if the shoe were on the other foot? Would you like to be strung along by someone you were genuinely into? I think not.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

You state : My first physical impression of him-- "eh." (Not particularly repulsive, not particularly attractive)."

Do yourself and him both a BIG favor and end this. You are over thinking this. There was no spark. So there is never going to be a spark. If you continue with this relationship and god forbid get married, you will always feel that you settled.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You are not into him. 

Please do not destroy his life by continuing to give him false hope. If you stay with him you will be miserable and you will make his life miserable, or you will eventually end up doing something stupid out of desperation. 

No man wants to be settled for.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> You are not into him.


This is everything. 

:iagree:



barbados said:


> You state : My first physical impression of him-- "eh." (Not particularly repulsive, not particularly attractive)."
> 
> Do yourself and him both a BIG favor and end this. You are over thinking this. There was no spark. So there is never going to be a spark.


Yep. 

There was no spark and it seems there never will be one.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Alphabetic said:*
> 
> *1.* My first physical impression of him-- "eh." (Not particularly repulsive, not particularly attractive)....
> 
> ...


 I am sure this man SENSES your very mixed emotions, your holding back...how could he not? Why should he jump in and put his heart on his sleeve given what you have said here??



> 1. it's subconscious, pheromones, whatever, and there's not really much i can do about it.
> 
> 2. it has definitely been me setting the pace of the relationship and maybe that's the problem. I'm the one pushing for "deeper" (because i keep hoping if we keep moving forward in the relationship at some point we'll hit the level where something clicks for me). As a result, I'm bearing the brunt of the back-and-forth is-this-isn't-this decision-making-- after all, every time *I take a step forward I'm first spending ages weighing if the possible benefit (of finally hitting the click) outweighs the cost (additional emotional investment making this much much more painful to break off if it ends). *


 if you have all of this weighing on your mind, it is like pulling teeth... not going to work.. he feels it.. but is hanging on..probably hoping for feelings from your end to surface while you are hoping for a whole different personality...



> *He's very much a "responding" type, he waits for cues from me and then responds accordingly. Whereas I haven't been given as much chance to "respond" in kind, i.e. he doesn't really initiate in such a way that i have to react, think on my feet. It's very very much tentatively feeling out if things are okay with me. (whereas I'm the one bulldozing with the "this might be uncomfortable for you but I'll ask anyway"). And to be honest I like that kind of give- in a relationship, but not for so much of it! I want it to be a back-and-forth give-and-take, like maybe 50/50, whereas we're running more like 90/10 right now. *


 I married a man who would also be considered the Genuine Nice Guy type...always kind....considerate... sensitive to my needs, asks what I want to do ....enjoys seeing me happy.. he has never been the aggressive type...when we 1st met...I did more talking over him.... but I felt his interest so strongly...it loosened me up...to just be my CRAZY self... this brought out the enthusiasm IN HIM... ... 

He made me feel the only woman in the world.... there was a tremendous comfort there... attachment grew from this...the deep sharing... the time we spent together learning of each other, laughing...memories being made....and his touch...melting / sparks.. all of it...in all of this a trust grew as well...


Don't underestimate Chemistry and compatibility in a future life partner...

If you don't laugh at his sense of humor, if you think "Ehh"... if you lack Oomph and "respect" for him...if you don't find yourself missing him or looking forward to new FUN things to do together... do not marry this man...something is terribly amiss....we need to feel some romantic passion while dating... that PULL to be with each other.....if you find yourself thinking "I wish he was more like so & so"...and you can't lay it down... Please break up.. it won't last. 

Talking to my neighbor about her 1st husband, she dated a handful of jerks in her early years...decided to marry a nice guy...feeling he would make a stable Father, drama behind her...she was looking for security....she admitted to me she never felt the spark..she wanted it to grow...so bad... she married him anyway, even let him know this!!... but she ended up leaving him because she wasn't happy...such a mistake she told me... and he didn't deserve that...


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## loveadvice (Dec 22, 2013)

If you are not afraid to ask for what you want, then don't be afraid to tell him that you would like for him to do more of the initiating, and then step back and see if he will be able to do that. Stop thinking so much about the future and give him time (e.g., a few months) to do more initiating. Reevaluate the relationship in 3 or 4 months. If he initiated more during the past 3 months, then figure out whether that increased your feelings for him. If not, then you have your answer. 

Don't walk away from a nice guy without trying to figure out whether more initiative from him would make things work. You may end up in your mid-thirties wishing you had that nice guy you threw away.

Also, you seem to be overthinking things and looking for faults in him. Perhaps you are scared that this relationship may be lead to something serious? Think about things about him that you can respect and admire. Not everyone is good at everything. He may be very assertive at work and very knowledgable about fixing things around the house. In other words, he may have attributes that complement you. He may not be the best social coordinator but he may be the best at making you feel safe with his actions.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Don't underestimate Chemistry and compatibility in a future life partner...
> 
> If you don't laugh at his sense of humor, if you think "Ehh"... if you lack Oomph and "respect" for him...if you don't find yourself missing him or looking forward to new FUN things to do together... do not marry this man...something is terribly amiss....*we need to feel some romantic passion while dating... *that *PULL to be with each other..*...if you find yourself thinking "I wish he was more like so & so"...and you can't lay it down... Please break up.. it won't last.


:iagree:


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

*The core problem is that you don't find him physically attractive.* No matter how much you like his personality, we must all admit that physical attraction plays an important role in liking or not liking someone.
That's why everything else makes sense (logically) and when you listen to your heart you don't get the same response. 
A good percentage of passion starts from physical attraction and that's what's missing in your case.

Don't give him false hopes.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I also think your just not into him not only physically but even his beta/nice guy qualities turn you off.

your looking for a bad boy. But be carefull they break heart their not called bad boys for nothing!


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Pheromones. 

Seriously.

He could have all the traits you want...but it's all..."whatevs"

Maybe those pheromones are telling your "cave woman" brain deep down that his genes don't match yours and you'll end up having some really butt ugly kids.

Not to seem shallow, but ever see a married couple...both on the ranking scale at about two or three.....then you see this amazingly looking kid that looks nothing like thier parents?

That's some good pheromones working there. And a perfect genetic match between those two that would make Darwin proud


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## Alphabetic (Mar 12, 2014)

thanks everyone.
i think there was a lot of fear going on that was making it impossible to figure out anything about how i felt. so for now i am taking a huge step back and just... relaxing. thus far i've seen some improvement so we'll see how things go from there.

i think i wasn't giving myself permission to make any mistakes and... well... that was a mistake in itself...


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> The "oh shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit" dialogue is there for a reason.


:iagree: Listen to the inner voice. If this is your heartfelt reaction to advancing the relationship, to me that says everything.

I agree with other posters who say the "spark" is overrated, and that we would likely do well to listen to our heads more than our hearts. But our heads are also capable of leading us astray with ideals about what we *should* want or how we *should* behave.

That inner voice, though, can sneak between all the rationalizations of the head and all the emotional demands of the heart. When it screams that loudly, it's time to listen.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> *No man wants to be settled for.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:
And there it is.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Alphabetic said:


> thanks everyone.
> i think there was a lot of fear going on that was making it impossible to figure out anything about how i felt. so for now i am taking a huge step back and just... relaxing. thus far i've seen some improvement so we'll see how things go from there.
> 
> i think i wasn't giving myself permission to make any mistakes and... well... that was a mistake in itself...


If you are truly into someone, and the chemistry is flowing like a river....you wouldn't need to step back. You would want to be as near and close to him 24/7 as you could. 

Girl...you are just not into this man, and it does not have anything to do with you "giving yourself permission". When you meet the right man, your head will be totally into everything about him and your ass will follow. 

This guy is not the man. Please give him his dignity and let him go. Quit being selfish.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

Please let him go and you'll both be better off.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Alphebetic-

20 plus years ago, if my wife were on TAM, she might have said the same thing...I am the picturevboy of nice and safe...Anybody who knew me back then would nothing bad to say...

My wife liked as a friend, there was just no sexual Chemistry.Somehow, we married and had a daughter... I've spent all these years trying to create that chemistry that will never be there..

I always though love and attraction would grow,passion would develop, and sex would be mutually desired...

You can't make that happen..

I am a believer now after 22 years that the passion/lust has to be there first and love developes over time...if the passion isn't there, you will be married to a friend.

I fill that both my wife and I have missed out on love..We can't go back in time to fix anything...


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> I also think your just not into him not only physically but even his beta/nice guy qualities turn you off.
> 
> your looking for a bad boy. But be carefull they break heart their not called bad boys for nothing!


Meh, this bad boy stuff is just an excuse for dissing girls for not being attracted to guys that seem to have nothing wrong with them. "You're not attracted to him, but he's so nice! There must be something wrong with YOU!".

If you aren't attracted to someone, you just aren't attracted. My DH is a 'nice guy' and always was. Didn't stop me from wanting to jump his bones first chance I got.


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