# Light at the end of the tunnel?



## Wildtrak (Feb 13, 2021)

We are highschool sweet hearts and have been married over 10 years but nothing has seemed right over the last 3ish years. We've both grown as people but my wife seems to have grown in the opposite direction. She no longer talks to either one of her sisters nor her parents. She's never really had any friends and that is not an exaggeration. She's never once had a girls night out. When I hang out with my guy friends she gets extremely jealous and this used to be a weekly activity on Saturday evenings with the boys but now I am lucky if I see my friends once a month because there is hell to pay when I get back because "I enjoy being with my friends more than her". I am literally not allowed to do anything without her going crazy and being extremely jealous. 

Things used to be great but she's just an evil person now. I believe is wrong with her mentally but I don't know what to do. All she wants to do is talk bad about people and is extremely jealous of everything and everyone. A couple of weeks ago our neighbors got pinestraw put in their yard. Literally just pinestraw and my wife said they are throwing it in her face. I told her this might be the most ridiculous thing she's ever said and we have done nothing but fight ever since then. She says if I do not support her opinion then I am not being a good husband. I literally don't know how to even talk to her now. 

We have two kids. 2 and 6 and I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to lose my kids but all I can think about is divorce. I have begged her to go see a counselor with me and she has flat out refused and claims there is nothing wrong with her. I told her she might need some type of medication and she took the kids and left for the weekend on a trip to the beach. She doesn't work and has maxed out all 3 of our credit cards and when I try to get her to stop spending money she said I need to find another job that makes more money because she isn't going to change her lifestyle. 

She is just an absolute miserable person and I don't know what to do. She goes shopping all day every day and I don't know where all this entitled thinking came from. I honestly am afraid that the kids would be with her 50% of the time if we got divorced. I don't know what to do.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

First thing you do is cancel your all the credit cards that she uses. Put a certain amount of your salary into an account and get a debit card, when the money is spent she can’t charge any more to it. 
Start documenting her behaviour and talk to a lawyer about divorce.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Wildtrak said:


> We have two kids. 2 and 6 and I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to lose my kids but all I can think about is divorce. I have begged her to go see a counselor with me and she has flat out refused and claims there is nothing wrong with her. I told her she might need some type of medication and she took the kids and left for the weekend on a trip to the beach. She doesn't work and has maxed out all 3 of our credit cards and when I try to get her to stop spending money she said I need to find another job that makes more money because she isn't going to change her lifestyle.


So first, tell her you want to go to counseling TOGETHER not for her, but to make sure the communications between you both get better. Anything like that to get her to the counselor. Talk to the counselor before hand about you wanting her to be evaluated.

For the CC debt, get ONE card for her with a small limit ($500? - $250?). Once she maxed out, it's done for the month until you pay it off. Make that limit the amount YOU want to limit her to spending. Tell her anything beyond that SHE can go out and get a job.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

Wildtrak said:


> We are highschool sweet hearts and have been married over 10 years but nothing has seemed right over the last 3ish years. We've both grown as people but my wife seems to have grown in the opposite direction. She no longer talks to either one of her sisters nor her parents. She's never really had any friends and that is not an exaggeration. She's never once had a girls night out. When I hang out with my guy friends she gets extremely jealous and this used to be a weekly activity on Saturday evenings with the boys but now I am lucky if I see my friends once a month because there is hell to pay when I get back because "I enjoy being with my friends more than her". I am literally not allowed to do anything without her going crazy and being extremely jealous.
> 
> Things used to be great but she's just an evil person now. I believe is wrong with her mentally but I don't know what to do. All she wants to do is talk bad about people and is extremely jealous of everything and everyone. A couple of weeks ago our neighbors got pinestraw put in their yard. Literally just pinestraw and my wife said they are throwing it in her face. I told her this might be the most ridiculous thing she's ever said and we have done nothing but fight ever since then. She says if I do not support her opinion then I am not being a good husband. I literally don't know how to even talk to her now.
> 
> ...


Sounds like she's on the spectrum of a personality disorder. 

These things don't get better or go away, trust me. 

the pinestraw thing is pretty hilarious (but obviously not in your situation).

The kids probably will be with her 50% (or more) of the time if you get divorced, based on their age, but it depends on the state you live in. Divorce & custody laws are very state-specific. 

You can get more than 50% if you can show cause for that, but that's difficult in court; she will lie and claim she's fine, and if you don't have any admissable evidence (such as a psych diagnosis, criminal records, or other objective evidence of her behavior), the could will not take either side, and award custody based on state guidelines.

Get a recommendation for a good divorce lawyer, and pay him or her for an hour consultation to get an idea of how things with likely play out in your state. 

DO not let your spouse know about this. Keep it on the DL and do it for yourself. If she finds out, you can probably imagine how it will go.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

I'll add, at some point you have to decide whether divorcing is less harmful to the kids than staying together and fighting all the time. 

I was in the same situation & my daughter was a similar age. I read how harmful fighting and conflict are for kids to see, and that it's not good for kids to see one parent get abused by the other & tolerate this behavior; they begin to think that's "normal" in a relationship. 

I didn't want my daughter to see that. While I couldn't control what would happen when she was w/her mom, I could show her a calm, respectful, happy time when she was with me, and (eventually) model for her what a healthy adult relationship was when I found someone else. 

and FWIW, although kids are too young sometimes to know better & speak up for themselves, a friend who is a psychiatrist told me divorce is easier on younger kids... though take that with a grain of salt. I think that depends on a lot of things.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She is slipping away.

You do not have a problem, she does.
But, when the gravity of her problems roll downhill, they land on you.

While she was complaining about the neighbors pine straw, her own straw filling was being taken away by that unkind, treacherous wind.
She does not resemble her former self.

The marital seven year itch caused her to scratch large holes in her psyche, allowing what was once good, inside, to escape.

I sense paranoia, and see a fear of abandonment. I feel that cold, (bi-polar) breeze coming off of her.

She needs deep psychiatric help.
I know, you know, (she knows, not the need of this).

@Uptown


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It is the easiest of things to blame others-druthers for one's own madness.

It is hard to stand outside yourself and give the old, once-over,_ I'm wrong, thus._


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

It does sound like she has a personality disorder, but it's also very possible it could be PND, given your youngest is only 2. It's also possible it could have started back when your eldest was born, untreated PND can go on for years. She definitely needs medical help.

If she won't seek any help, I honestly don't know what you can do


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

It does sound like she has issues, but am I the only one who thinks weekly nights out with the guys is a bit excessive when you have little kids at home?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

She’s not crazy if she’s stuck at home with 2 kids every single weekend and asking for you to not go out for boy’s nights. Once a month is a good compromise. Boy’s nights every weekend are fine for unmarried men


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Boys night out is the least of your problems. Her bleeding you dry financially could set you back for years, maybe even decades. She will likely continue to bleed you dry in a divorce, since you are the moneyed spouse. That means you paying your legal bills, hers, maintenance and child support, depending the outcome and where you live. She sounds depressed. Does she drink? Pills? Stop “begging” her to do anything. As others say, speak to an attorney and know your options and act accordingly. It sounds expensive for you whether you stay married or not, but divorce at least puts you back in control of YOUR money with a cut off date in the future.


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

Wildtrak said:


> All she wants to do is talk bad about people and is extremely jealous of everything and everyone. A couple of weeks ago our neighbors got pinestraw put in their yard. Literally just pinestraw and my wife said they are throwing it in her face. I told her this might be the most ridiculous thing she's ever said and we have done nothing but fight ever since then. She says if I do not support her opinion then I am not being a good husband.


If you think that was crazy, you ain't seen nothing yet. Lord help your future teenager if they so much as breathe wrong around her. You're in for a ride when your kids get old enough to fall into her trap or don't agree with her over something.



Wildtrak said:


> We have two kids. 2 and 6 and I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to lose my kids but all I can think about is divorce.


Unless you plan on abandoning your kids and never looking back, you will NOT be losing them. You think you have it bad? Your kids are with her 24/7. They're dealing with her mood swings, stress, and general unpleasantness 24/7. At least you get a break and if you split up, 50% of the time they will get a vacation from her. 

Like I said, it's going to be a whole lot worse when they get older and start to want to do their own thing outside of her. My husband grew up with a mother who had similar problems and she never raised a hand to him until he was a teenager and old enough to ask her to stop yelling and hitting him. That went about as well as you can imagine - she hit him twice as hard for it. I don't know how low your wife will stoop when she thinks her own kids are turning on her when in reality they are acting like normal children but I can guarantee you it's not going to be pretty. Better prepare yourself to be their advocate and to give them a better home like TomNebraska did to escape to.

Either way the divorce is coming. Do you want to deal with it now or years down the road after you've suffered more and made a bigger mess of things?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I think your wife probably needs to be seriously evaluated for postpartum depression. That can last for years if left untreated. Also, it isn't just feeling sad or the baby blues. It's actual, real, depression, with all the attendant symptoms - including irritability, moodiness, anger, etc. So, do whatever you can to rule that out or get her treatment if she has it. 

However, I don't think there's much you can do unless she's willing to get help - either for herself or for the marriage. But do start with a very calm discussion with her about the impact her moodiness, neediness, and anger is having on the marriage. She needs to know that her options are to get help - MC, IC, whatever - or to get divorced. 

Also, if you have littles at home, you _should_ expect for your pre-child life of hanging out with the boys every weekend to change. If you aren't spending most Saturday nights at home or out on a real date with your wife, then you should reasonably expect that to be damaging to your marriage. Especially if you have young children at home. So....stop complaining about your mean mommy keeping you from playing with your friends every Saturday night. 

But do seek help for your wife, and your marriage. It will benefit you - and your children - whether you remain married to her or not.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> It does sound like she has issues, but am I the only one who thinks weekly nights out with the guys is a bit excessive when you have little kids at home?


No, you're not. OP that's gotta change mate - married peeps with small children have no business being out partying till all hours every weekend.


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