# Feeling guilty



## Kay2015 (Jun 12, 2017)

My husband and i have been together 10 years next month and have 4 amazing children. In the last few months noticed a few things not added up. In 10 years he has worked for maybe a year (broken up over time) he always as a reason.. injury, no work etc, he is selfish and ive caught him a few times talking and answering himself which is scary! He isnt the best father either, they kids cant do anything right and i find myself telling him to back off and leave them alone when i shouldnt have it.. he would never hurt them but he does yell alot and goes on and on about the smallest things. I also have a feeling he deliberately ran a truck he was driving off the road so he would lose his last job. But of course i cant prove it and he would deny it if i asked. Everytime i think 'this is it, im going to tell him its over' he is unbelievably nice and then i feel like crap for even thinking about leaving. I dont want to hurt him but i also know our children and i would be better off alone. Im not sure what to do, he hasnt done anything wrong that i feel would give me a free pass to walk out so im not sure what to do.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Talking and answering himself is OK. I do it all the time. I am the most intelligent person, according to the 'other' guy in my head. The other guy has short red hair and he sheds a lot.

Seriously, not working for ten years makes him a mooch, a slug. He has issues.

Make his issues his own. Roll out the divorce papers. You deserve better.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

If you think leaving the unemployed manipulative bully is best for you and the children then do so. 

By the way, you do know the nice is manipulation, right? You're his paycheck. If you leave, he has to get a job and pay his bills. Every time he knows you're close to leaving, he manipulates you into staying by being nice. Stop feeling guilty about the jobless ass and start feeling guilty you make your kids put up with such a piss poor example of manhood and marriage.


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

Yeah...weird. Although my husband talks to himself in the shower. I went in one time and asked who the hell he was talking to and he didn't realize he said it out loud. Lol but this guy sounds messed up.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Does your H have any personality disorders that you know of? What about his family, how are they?

Who is supporting the family? If he is not what is he going to do about it?

You need to get IC to see why you put up with this and the way he is treating the kids, he may not hit them but emotional abuse to my mind can be even worse. Go talk to someone first, then plan what you are going to do.


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## googoodoll (Mar 6, 2016)

Dear Kay, I recognize a lot of what you're saying. Best of luck to you. I think you know what to do but I know how hard it is.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So...he lets YOU support him, he doesn't help, but he feels like he has the right to yell at all of you, guilt all of you, and NOT be a good husband or father. 

That IS doing something wrong.

You don't need him breaking your arm for you to have a reason to leave him. Waiting on his lazy ass for ten years is reason enough. 

In the meantime, start reading books by Patricia Evans, or this one; it might give you some bravery to leave him.
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/why-does-he-do-that-lundy-bancroft/1102335902

Also find a good therapist and start going by yourself. Your self esteem has been whittled away, and you need professional help to build that back up. 

And remember this: If you DON'T leave, the only home your children will ever see is a bad one; a dysfunctional one. Where one person abuses and the other is a victim. So guess what your kids are going to turn out like? Either an abuser/controller or a victim who lets it happen. Give them a fighting chance by moving out and letting them see a healthy nurturing home.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

No, dont you move out, make HIM move out! Why have you tolerated this for TEN YEARS??


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Good point, but I'm not sure she has the nerve for that confrontation. I know I wouldn't. 

fwiw, therapy will help with that.


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## Kay2015 (Jun 12, 2017)

I can honestly say i have no idea why i've stayed for 10 years, i dont think i seen any of this before. we lived interstate from my family and he doesnt talk to his family so it was just us, i guess maybe i did see it all before but ignored it. we just moved (for him to have a better chance at finding work) and we are now closer to my best friend and his partner. When they started mentioning things they seen i realised something wasnt right and started noticing more things too, its been about 5 months now. 
I want to kick him out but i cant bring myself to tell him because i know it will hurt him and i know he will think that it has come out of no where, he thinks everything is great even tho we have barely spoken in months. i wouldn't even know how to bring it up.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Your best friend is a guy? I have to ask, because someone is going to...are you sure that now you're near your friend, you aren't subconsciously wishing it was him you were married to?


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## Kay2015 (Jun 12, 2017)

turnera said:


> Your best friend is a guy? I have to ask, because someone is going to...are you sure that now you're near your friend, you aren't subconsciously wishing it was him you were married to?


yes he is a guy.... a very very gay guy. 
my gay best friend has nothing to do with the reason my marriage is failing, i have no romantic feelings for him in any way.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok, just making sure. We've seen DOZENS of people come on here with the same story and then, later on, it becomes clear that another person has entered the picture, and even though the poster may not be actively cheating, just the new thought of what life would be like with a different person is enough to start thinking more negatively about their spouse.

Why we usually ask what has changed lately.


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## Kay2015 (Jun 12, 2017)

the only thing ive been thinking about is life with just me and my children. i know we would be so much happier but still cant bring myself to tell him to move out.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The best way to do it is to make your plans ahead of time; have everything ready and then tell other people so you can have their support, and present it all to him all prepared. That way, he can't wear you down.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Formulate what you want to do in detail. I usually recommend that you write down your plan in a secure place. On the day of your choosing, follow your plan, try to be automatic about it. When you come out the other side, you will have a few after-effects, but they subside. Good luck.


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## Kay2015 (Jun 12, 2017)

i've had my plan in play for months. i just keep putting of the last step.. telling him. 
this morning however that happened. he cried and tried to make me feel like **** because he has no where to go but i stood my ground.
after he worked out the guilt trip wasnt going to work he didnt even try and fight. he just started packing. 
he is being very calm about the whole thing and want to pack his things and wait for the older 3 to get home from school so we can tell them together before he leaves.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Where is he going to? Not asking to guilt you. Just concerned about you and your children.


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## Kay2015 (Jun 12, 2017)

im not sure, im guessing back to where we used to live. his mother lives near there. or to his friends place. 
not really my biggest concern right now. im focusing on how to tell our children he is moving out without upsetting them too much and how im going to handle calming them all down once he does leave.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Kay2015 said:


> im not sure, im guessing back to where we used to live. his mother lives near there. or to his friends place.
> not really my biggest concern right now. im focusing on how to tell our children he is moving out without upsetting them too much and how im going to handle calming them all down once he does leave.


You will probably be surprised... after the initial shock/upset, they will likely be relieved. You are being super strong, keep it up.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

He has been playing you like a Kazoo. I know men like your husband and I wonder why didn't I get a wife who let me not work and only be nice when I have to be. My wife came from a home like yours. She never could do anything right according to her dad. She grew up thinking that and as a result is submissive and gets scared if she even thinks I do not like something she did or cooked. I have to clean my plate or she thinks that I do not like her food and starts apologizing. Often I never see that food again. I do get full before I can finish her generous portions. I got fat because she piles on food and if I ask for less she looks hurt. 

Don't let your kids grow up thinking that they cannot do anything right. It will not give them a good future. My parents always made me feel like anything I did was great and as a result I went on to have successful career because I did not know that I could not do the things I did. Your life though and your happiness and that of your children are in your hands, not ours. Good luck. BTW, my wife's dad also had excuses for not working and was a truck driver too, who made a mistake and was fired. He kept claiming that his back hurt but his union and private doctor would not attest to that. He built additions to his house and lots of other things that a man with a bad back could not do. My wife grew up making her own clothes and growing her hair long because she could not afford store bought clothes or haircuts. I made sure that I spoiled my wife to make up for her lousy father. She is 65 and just now gaining self confidence.


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## Kay2015 (Jun 12, 2017)

its done, hes gone. the kids and i spend the better part of our afternoon crying but all seems to have calmed down again. he spent the last few hours here trying to make me feel guilty and telling the kids things like 'i dont know where i'll go or what ill do' things they didnt need to hear at all.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Kay2015 said:


> its done, hes gone. the kids and i spend the better part of our afternoon crying but all seems to have calmed down again. he spent the last few hours here trying to make me feel guilty and telling the kids things like 'i dont know where i'll go or what ill do' things they didnt need to hear at all.


Any man who sponges of his woman, abuses kids with his anger and then pulls guilt trips caused by his own bad behaviour, you are well rid of him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Shame on him telling such things to his children. That's not love. That's selfishness.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

play the game pour on the charm until he finds a job. then file asap. start saving some money. collect important paper work. marriage lic,birth cert. etc.

I think its alright to divorce someone who refuses to work and help with supporting the family.

good luck


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Kay2015 said:


> its done, hes gone. the kids and i spend the better part of our afternoon crying but all seems to have calmed down again. he spent the last few hours here trying to make me feel guilty and telling the kids things like 'i dont know where i'll go or what ill do' things they didnt need to hear at all.


You did good. Your kids will follow your lead. 

Shame on him for pulling that pathetic crap in front of the kids. Maybe he should have thought about "where he'd go and what he'd do" when he was sitting on his ass letting his wife do all the providing and yelling at his kids. We all have our limit, and you've hit yours.


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