# Please Talk Me Out of R



## kc1980 (Jul 1, 2014)

Can someone please knock some sense into my head ? It’s been 6 weeks since dday and i’m still reeling and disgusted by the man i call husband. I’m 34 homemaker and he’s 36 working as a vp. I’m losing my mind and i really need guidance. He just got promotion about a year ago and started to had more meetings and late night works, i trusted him and had no suspicions at all. I thought more work hours is normal. He also drifted away emotion wise,he stopped caring about our 4 kids and complained that they are too unruly. Well the kids are all below 7, and they are being normal. When he came home my eldest sons would run to him and asked for hugs, usually he liked it but he started to hate it even once shoved them away. I thought he was too tired with work so i tried to talked to him but he never said anything and that i bothered him. He lost weight and bought new clothes. God all the signs were there but i didn’t see it, we’ve been together for 19 years so i trusted him. Guess i was too stupid right ? 

About 6 weeks ago i received a package with untraceable sender address, it contained extensive records of emails and a dvd. The papers was too thick so i played the dvd first, it also marked with date. It shows him having all kind of sex (including anal) with his assistant, the first date was oct 2013 but based on their email records they started having sex in his office 2 months after the first one in hotel. The camera was placed behind his desk so i had the pleasure to witnessed all of it,including her giving him bj during phone calls. The dates shows that it happened almost daily. In the emails she also thanked him multiple time for the nice lingeries (incl $160 babydoll) , nice dinner and all gifts (perfume, necklace, shoes,etc) he gave to her. Since our last kid he never take me out for nice dinner or buy me any gift but he wined and dined and gave his 26 yo mistress jewelry, WTF ? 

I confronted him at night but i really had no energy to be angry,i felt (still feeling) like a walking death so i just sat there,skipped to the worst part and made him watched it. He turned it off after a minute or so and started panicking. I just cried and cried, he said he’s sorry and still loves me but he did it because sex with me wasn’t good. He said i gain too much weight after 4 kids (i was 11lbs heavier than my high school time, now i’m down 23lbs) and that it looked like i had no intention to lose it, i said i had no time for exercise. I was too dysfunctional so the more he talked me down the more i cried. He said i paid him no attention and not excited with our sex life, well i have to took care of 4 kids including 2 toddlers so off course i got tired at night. That part wasn’t really true, i tried to be intimate to him but he was always too busy, i asked him why he never talked to me about his dissatisfaction and he switched to another topic. He said that she was always excited while i’m not, i said that off course his assistant is excited, she doesn’t have to take care of 4 kids and run a house, she has times for 1 hour of makeup and another for hair blowdry, when the hell a mom of 4 like me will get that kind of time ? I wanted 1 kid but he’s the one who wanted big family, looks like he doesn’t like the price that comes with it. I was just a babysitter and a maid that he can f*ck !

He doesn’t live with us now, he’s in some rented apartment. He sent me flowers,gifts and begged me to forgive him and said that he was stupid and that it was a mistake but i just can’t decide, my emotion and mind are not in check. I’ve had 2 breakdowns since dday and i turned to this sad angry woman that i hate. In my heart i want to keep our family together so my kids will grow up with 2 parents, i guess i want to believe him when he said that he’s sorry and that it was a mistake and i should try to forgive him but my head keep telling me to get out now and run, just run and don’t look back, that me and my kids deserved better. Even if we go r nothing will be the same anymore, i don’t think i can go down on him after what he did, even imagining me doing it makes my skin crawled. 

So what to choose, head or heart ?


----------



## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

Maybe get some individual counseling first? And do marriage counseling with him to evaluate? I'd give anything to be in your position. My husband left with the OW and doesn't give a fig about me.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Uhhh... Who placed the camera and who sent the package to you? Or do you even know...?


----------



## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Uhhh... Who placed the camera and who sent the package to you? Or do you even know...?


LOL! Good question!


----------



## kc1980 (Jul 1, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Uhhh... Who placed the camera and who sent the package to you? Or do you even know...?


My guess is his mistress, she probably wants to rid of me and my kids. Beside she's the one who have full access to his office. I think she's in it for the dough. That's a stupid move though, if we got divorced his income will be cut in half or even more. Those fancy dinner and gifts, gone


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

kc1980 said:


> My guess is his mistress, she probably wants to rid of me and my kids. Beside she's the one who have full access to his office. I think she's in it for the dough. That's a stupid move though, if we got divorced his income will be cut in half or even more. Those fancy dinner and gifts, gone


What do you know about her? Does she have a husband and/or boyfriend? Anyone at all to whom she can be exposed?

Is it safe to assume that she's no longer working for your husband?


----------



## kc1980 (Jul 1, 2014)

She's in her mid 20's, no boyfriend/husband that i know of. She said her dad left and her mom is a teacher who remarried to a police. She's petite,about 5'0 and wears 5 inch heels to work, said i'm lucky to have such a nice successful husband with adorable kids and great house. Everytime we met she always asked me my clothes or handbag brand and complimented that i look nice

She's still on the same floor but not for him


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Just my opinion, but you should not -- under any circumstances -- even entertain the notion of reconciliation as long as they're still working together, and even if she's no longer "working for him".

You say that he's a VP, so I'd imagine that he should be able to make that happen by doing little more than blinking.


----------



## kc1980 (Jul 1, 2014)

What i'm worried about is that if she's the one who sent me the videos, what would happen if he got her fired ? Sending those tapes to HR means him losing his job = no support for me and my kids


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Well then _he can quit_ and get another job, freeing her up to start greasing up some other dumb f*cking sucker. That's assuming, of course, that she hasn't already started doing just that.

If he's not willing to do that, then you'll have your answer -- divorce him and, in doing so, take him to the cleaners.


----------



## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

You don't have to decide now. In fact, you don't have to do ANYTHING you don't want to do. He may be pushing for reconciliation, but that's his problem, not yours. 6 weeks is a drop in the bucket. You'll be in shock and going through an emotional whirlwind for sometime. It's okay. The best thing you can do is treat yourself with care. Find whatever relief you can. Confide in a friend, get a few hours to yourself, sleep if you are able... His "need" to get resolution, to push for a decision, is not your problem. 

If you were to consider R, it's comes only after he's demonstrated some serious remorse and self-reflection. This is a tough betrayal and seeing the video is awful. The OW is horrid for sending that to you.


----------



## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

> he said he’s sorry and still loves me but he did it because sex with me wasn’t good. He said i gain too much weight after 4 kids... and that it looked like i had no intention to lose it, i said i had no time for exercise....the more he talked me down the more i cried.


You want us to talk you out of R? Pointing out the above kind of cruelty would seem to be the way to do it. Wow. Because that's exactly what that is: cruel. So mean, it's unbelievable. Why would you want to reconcile with someone who treats you this way when he's supposedly apologizing to you? THAT apology was no apology!! There's no remorse in any of that - it's too much victim blaming! Too much hurtful garbage being thrown in your face. Just disgusting.

And he's practically announcing to you that he'd do it again because he's saying you're not good enough for him - he's someone SO special that his daily sexual needs and weight requirements for a partner are far more important than your needs, and he has no empathy at all for the tiring and difficult work that YOU do, raising 4 small children (HIS small children). I'd like to see how he'd feel after one week of doing what you do all day.

While it's likely to have been the OW who sent the evidence, it's possible it was someone else. Office politics can be so bizarre - you can't be sure. But no matter what's going on over there, you have no control over it. You do know it's a SICK place, though. Sheesh. And if you divorce him (probably for the best, since he cares more for himself than for you or the marriage), it may be best if he keeps working at that sick place because it will mean good support for the kids. 

As far as keeping the "family" together, he doesn't sound like much of a "family" man. Not with the kind of disrespect he's demonstrated toward you. His apology is hollow. I don't buy it. Not with him insulting you in the same breath.


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Maybe I have just worked in corp America too long but I do believe this is called job security for her. If you divorce, she gets him and what she wants. If you stay together she threatens to give videos and such to HR costing him his job, she isn’t in jeopardy at all the way she could spin it. If they fire her, she will have a laywer the next day and will get a nice payout. If he continues affair and he goes back to you he will basically become a sugardaddy to her.

It’s a fine mess. As long as the two of them work for the same company you will never be able to trust him. Remember if this didn’t get exposed by someone to you it would be continuing and you would still be in the dark.


----------



## FromEurope (Jun 29, 2014)

I dont want to convince you for not R. it is something that you need to find out on your own. What you need is to stay away from your WH, absolutely NC! 
The pain you are feeling absorb it! When it gets to tough then play with your kids, and keep your mind busy, dont rush yourself for a decision. You need time.... 1 month, 6 month's, 1 year? Who knows! In the meantime get the D. papers rolling.......
Have him served and keep it at that until your thought's are straight. The healing process will make you a stronger person and will help you to continue with D. or giving him a try with R.
In this last case he needs to change everything starting from his job.


----------



## Just Joe (May 26, 2014)

kc1980 said:


> he said he’s sorry and still loves me but he did it because sex with me wasn’t good. He said i gain too much weight after 4 kids (i was 11lbs heavier than my high school time, now i’m down 23lbs) and that it looked like i had no intention to lose it, i said i had no time for exercise. I was too dysfunctional so the more he talked me down the more i cried. He said i paid him no attention and not excited with our sex life, well i have to took care of 4 kids including 2 toddlers so off course i got tired at night. That part wasn’t really true, i tried to be intimate to him but he was always too busy, i asked him why he never talked to me about his dissatisfaction and he switched to another topic. He said that she was always excited while i’m not, i said that off course his assistant is excited, she doesn’t have to take care of 4 kids and run a house, she has times for 1 hour of makeup and another for hair blowdry, when the hell a mom of 4 like me will get that kind of time ? I wanted 1 kid but he’s the one who wanted big family, looks like he doesn’t like the price that comes with it. I was just a babysitter and a maid that he can f*ck !
> 
> He doesn’t live with us now, he’s in some rented apartment. He sent me flowers,gifts and begged me to forgive him and said that he was stupid and that it was a mistake but i just can’t decide, my emotion and mind are not in check. I’ve had 2 breakdowns since dday and i turned to this sad angry woman that i hate. In my heart i want to keep our family together so my kids will grow up with 2 parents, i guess i want to believe him when he said that he’s sorry and that it was a mistake and i should try to forgive him but my head keep telling me to get out now and run, just run and don’t look back, that me and my kids deserved better. Even if we go r nothing will be the same anymore, i don’t think i can go down on him after what he did, even imagining me doing it makes my skin crawled.
> 
> So what to choose, head or heart ?


Does he still blame you for his affair? Does he still make the same excuses he gave right after you confronted him?

Does he see his kids now? What does he have to say about how he treated you and the kids back then?

He has to do some things to prove to you he's serious. For starters, he has to start looking for another job.

Can you think of things he can do to help you get over it?


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Normally I would tell you to post the DVD on the internet with all the papers and other evidence you have for the world too see, but the threat to your income for the kids is too much of a risk. For your sense of self respect, don't reconcile with your pig of a husband, you and your kids deserve better. Get a good lawyer and financially ruin him.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Ask him, if he reconciles, how he will keep from being blackmailed by her and still be able to keep his job. Did you ask him who sent the info to you and who knew besides her?

If you reconcile, he will do this again. He treated you and his kids like dogs and her like a princess. Pay attention, he is telling you who he really is.

As long as they are around each other, they can't be trusted.

Is he spending any time with his kids? You should be letting him baby sit while you get a new hairdo, new clothes, and go out with girlfriends. Also, take time to go work out, that helps do wonders mentally and physically.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I wouldn't R with him. He blamed you for the whole thing; this guy is dripping with entitlement and he will do it again. You have enormous leverage right now; file for divorce and take him for every penny you can, and tell him if he wants to fight you'll post these videos everywhere. When he's paying you a chunk of his salary he might not be so attractive to his sk$nk anyway, and even if he is so what? Look what she'd be getting: an entitled pos. And when he has to put up with her sh!t day to day she might not be so exciting either. Make sure you keep copies of everything she sent.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

seeking sanity said:


> You don't have to decide now. In fact, you don't have to do ANYTHING you don't want to do. He may be pushing for reconciliation, but that's his problem, not yours. 6 weeks is a drop in the bucket. You'll be in shock and going through an emotional whirlwind for sometime. It's okay. The best thing you can do is treat yourself with care. Find whatever relief you can. Confide in a friend, get a few hours to yourself, sleep if you are able... His "need" to get resolution, to push for a decision, is not your problem.
> 
> If you were to consider R, it's comes only after he's demonstrated some serious remorse and self-reflection. This is a tough betrayal and seeing the video is awful. The OW is horrid for sending that to you.


Exactly no rush make him start IC maybe MC together and see how it goes, make no promises or commitments about anything.

The job stuff well not everyone has the financial flexibility to just quit and move on (wish it was that easy) but you both could explore his other options either within his current company far away from her or moving on. Besides if she did send this to you what is to say she won't blow up his work situation just out of spite, it may be easier for her to find a new job than him.
Put some time limits on executing whatever job plan works best for you and your marriage.

It sounds like you have a lot going on with your kids and home responsibilities make sure to find time for yourself, treat yourself to something you deserve it it is a long road whatever way you go.


----------



## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Though he sounds like a pretty awful guy at the moment, some good advice I've seen before is to not make any big decisions for at least 6 months after D-Day.

This will give you time to adjust, come to your senses, and evaluate what really is best. Really, there's no reason to hurry. He's been exposed, he's out of the house for now, no one is in any immediate danger, etc.

Take some time. Tell him you'll let him know when you're ready to talk.


----------



## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> I wouldn't R with him. He blamed you for the whole thing; this guy is dripping with entitlement and he will do it again. You have enormous leverage right now; file for divorce and take him for every penny you can, and tell him if he wants to fight you'll post these videos everywhere. When he's paying you a chunk of his salary he might not be so attractive to his sk$nk anyway, and even if he is so what? Look what she'd be getting: an entitled pos. And when he has to put up with her sh!t day to day she might not be so exciting either. Make sure you keep copies of everything she sent.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I think you place R or no R on the back burn for the time being....you don't have to make a decision right now...frankly you and you husband have bigger problems...namely her...i suspect that she came on to him with an ulterior motive, to hook herself a sugar daddy or and this is more concerning that she wants to burn him as a way to get back at her father, and he was weak enough to fall for it...trust me he is a scum but she is sinister.....and if he doesn't realize it now then i'm not sure anything else will help...you are right about her burning him if he fires her, his best chance is to leave the company for another position else where....in the mean time you need to get help for your own emotional well being, you need to gain back your strengthen for your sake and the sake of the kids. Sadly you will have to work together to get away from her cross hairs....this girl is sick and potential dangerous...this is the type of girl they make life time movies about...just my 2 cents


----------



## intuitionoramiwrong (Mar 18, 2014)

Is he still in contact with her? Have you talked to her since this came out? If she isn't the one who sent you these videos..then someone else at work knows what's up.

I'd file for divorce. You don't have to go through with it, but get the papers drawn up and start speaking with a lawyer about your options and how you will be taken care of. 4 children under 7 is a lot of work..obviously a lot more work than he's been doing at the office if he had all this time on his hands. What a ****.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Um, you need to RUN. FAR AND FAST. DO NOT R with this man! How dare him have the gall to shove all the blame onto you because he cant keep his d!ck in his pants! DISGUSTING! He is not sorry, only sorry he got caught. There will be no remorse shown by him, and without it, there cannot be a successful R. 

Take him for all he's worth.


----------



## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

You probably don't think this way, but things could get sneaky now - such as your coming and going being spied on. If you leave the house, he could be watching and he could try to go in and find that evidence you have. So if you haven't made copies yet of everything, get yourself a safe deposit box and put it in there. You may think he wouldn't do something like this, but he seems to have time to do a lot of others things besides work so getting away from his office and spying on you shouldn't be that hard for him to do.

This is someone who is sorry he was caught, not sorry for hurting you - not with the kind of "apology" he "delivered" when you first confronted him. It was more like delivering more blows to you. So self-centered and cruel. I'm so sorry you had to endure that.


----------



## kc1980 (Jul 1, 2014)

hopefulgirl said:


> As far as keeping the "family" together, he doesn't sound like much of a "family" man. Not with the kind of disrespect he's demonstrated toward you. His apology is hollow. I don't buy it. Not with him insulting you in the same breath.


Thank you for saying this, he hasn't been much of family man. Just because he has the title father doesn't mean that he is a good father. During affair cold to me probably normal, but shoving our son is definitely not. I don't want my kids to grow up and consider his behavior as normal


----------



## kc1980 (Jul 1, 2014)

honcho said:


> Maybe I have just worked in corp America too long but I do believe this is called job security for her. If you divorce, she gets him and what she wants. If you stay together she threatens to give videos and such to HR costing him his job, she isn’t in jeopardy at all the way she could spin it. If they fire her, she will have a laywer the next day and will get a nice payout. If he continues affair and he goes back to you he will basically become a sugardaddy to her.
> 
> It’s a fine mess. As long as the two of them work for the same company you will never be able to trust him. Remember if this didn’t get exposed by someone to you it would be continuing and you would still be in the dark.


So she can lawyer up even if it's consensual ?


----------



## kc1980 (Jul 1, 2014)

Just Joe said:


> Does he still blame you for his affair? Does he still make the same excuses he gave right after you confronted him?
> 
> Does he see his kids now? What does he have to say about how he treated you and the kids back then?
> 
> ...


He said he's sorry and that he regret his affair but there's always BUT. He said that he's not serial cheater and this is his first time and he admit that he's troubled BUT i haven't been the best wife because his physical needs weren't met, that i didn't look excited by him, i said well if i had hours of kids-free time, wined and dined, given gift and taken to fancy hotel room i'd be excited too just like her. I asked how come he never told me about it, he said that he's too tired after work, supporting me and our 4 kids. It feels like he always cornered me with that statement

Yes, he's a weekend father. He hired a nanny everytime they go to his apartment. He didn't mind to change our oldest's diaper when he was a baby but his current position changes him, he doesn't do that anymore. He admit he was awful to them and apologized, no but this time

He seems hesitant to change his job, i get the impression that he thinks NC with her is enough


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

kc1980 said:


> He said he's sorry and that he regret his affair but there's always BUT. He said that he's not serial cheater and this is his first time and he admit that he's troubled BUT i haven't been the best wife because his physical needs weren't met, that i didn't look excited by him, i said well if i had hours of kids-free time, wined and dined, given gift and taken to fancy hotel room i'd be excited too just like her. I asked how come he never told me about it, he said that he's too tired after work, supporting me and our 4 kids. It feels like he always cornered me with that statement
> 
> Yes, he's a weekend father. He hired a nanny everytime they go to his apartment. He didn't mind to change our oldest's diaper when he was a baby but his current position changes him, he doesn't do that anymore. He admit he was awful to them and apologized, no but this time
> 
> He seems hesitant to change his job, i get the impression that he thinks NC with her is enough


NOPE! NO R for him! What a selfish ass.


----------



## Kim C (Jun 9, 2014)

You can't! You are young and your children and family deserve better and they ( the kids) need to understand that you can't treat your family like this and everything stays the same. Open yourself and them to meeting someone that will give you all that your selfish loser cannot for his very own reasons. They may not understand now but someday they will and they will respect the decisions you made for them. I can't really see it being a happy home if you stay. They will suffer more in the long run. I'm the 1st one to say I wish my parents split when I was younger. I think my mom would have had a much happier life and it would be easier on me even now. Either way, none of this is your fault or your responsibility. I'm so sorry you are going thru this! Sending all good thoughts your way! It would take some sort of saint to forgive a man after watching the video you described. The emails and gifts - no words it's just so unbelievable.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> Normally I would tell you to post the DVD on the internet with all the papers and other evidence you have for the world too see, but the threat to your income for the kids is too much of a risk. For your sense of self respect, don't reconcile with your pig of a husband, you and your kids deserve better. Get a good lawyer and financially ruin him.


I think this is exactly right. He is an entitled pig.

You have the ultimate prize. You have four beautiful children. You have your integrity. You will have a rich life with your kids, knowing you love them and they love you. That is what is really important when you look back on your life.

Get a great lawyer, protect yourself and take him for whatever you can. Stop being defensive about why you're not a hot-to-trot 25-yo in spike heels. You're far better than that skank. Believe it. It's true. He's not good enough for you or your children.


----------



## kc1980 (Jul 1, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> Ask him, if he reconciles, how he will keep from being blackmailed by her and still be able to keep his job. Did you ask him who sent the info to you and who knew besides her?
> 
> If you reconcile, he will do this again. He treated you and his kids like dogs and her like a princess. Pay attention, he is telling you who he really is.
> 
> ...


He thinks it's her too, he said that broke up with her by saying that he wants to focus on family but nothing about the video. I think he's influenced by the other executives he calls friend, one of them have mistresses and another is a loyal client of russian pros

Great idea, i actually started to go to gym,spinning class, and visit spa. I don't do it to please him but for my own wellness. He spends time with kids but thing is when he's with them he always hired a nanny so he's not really babysitting them. When i asked my son he said that usually they play video games, do outdoor activities and order dinner. The toddlers are taken care of by the nanny so really he only does the fun stuff, none of the boring ones


----------



## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Consider options...

If you R, At least, get a lawyer and have him sign a post nup that has actual consequences that ruin him. 

PM wranglerman. Or read his posts. I am certain he could provide some tips.

If you choose D, go for the throat. 

Regardless, he is a pig


----------



## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I think you may always be insecure if you R. Just knowing that he tried to blame it on you. And the mind movies of what you saw them do together? I am not sure a woman could be happy after seeing her man do things like that. 

As above, give it 6 months and reassess then. 

I truly wonder if this was the first time for him. 

And the videotapes, that part doesn't add up somehow.


----------



## Pattiroxxi (May 3, 2014)

DISGUSTING! ruin him financially as much as you can. Post the videos on the internet, ruin her as well, don't go for R as people on here say, some of them have really low self esteem as i can see.

Considering R in this case in inhumane and totally unacceptable. What a pig he is! 

RUIN HIM! if you don't you are stupid. That's all i am saying. That woman deserves some suffering as well.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

CheaterVille :: Don't Be the Last to Know ASAP and copy HR In.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

Hey KC. Nobody will ever know your full situation except you. No one gets to live your life but you. But you deserve better. There are solutions to not having the sex life you want and it doesn't involve sticking your **** into someone else. There are solutions to weight loss and physical appearance that do not involve sticking your **** into someone else.

You have this one life. Only this one. Do you want to worry every time he's at work? Do you want to be in fear every day, even if it's that pervasive underlying fear? That fear that you don't even feel because it is never ever even gone? That fear that has become your entire life?

You can find a new relationship. You can be happy alone. You can spend your time playing with your kids, watching netflix, meeting friends, and maybe even meeting that guy who will not cheat on you. That guy who will wake you up in the morning with a kiss, go change that diaper, and encourage you to go take the dog for a walk. This is your only life. Why would you want to give the only life you will ever have to that man?

You don't want to. That's why you are here. And we are all here to help. You are never alone. He does not define you. You define yourself. You are amazing, so amazing, and someone that would treat you this way is not worth being in your life.

Whatever happens be happy. Find that way to be happy, every day.


----------

