# Attraction- Deal Breaker or Not?



## Killashandra19 (Jan 15, 2011)

I'm quite sure that my situation is not uncommon. I am an attractive woman and I spent most of my life hunting attractive men. Mostly this resulted in finding superficial men who could not have true intimacy. 
Eventually I found one man who was perfectly attractive to me physically. He was very intelligent and capable of understanding me. We had such great chemistry and the sex was so good that he left a permanent imprint on my mind. The relationship, however, was tragically plagued by differences and arguments. He was from an abusive family and I was from a very stable one. We were both very poor and could not enjoy our time together. It ended in disaster. A very difficult, painful break-up that also left a huge imprint on my mind. 
A year later I discovered a man who was very gifted in all the areas that my previous relationship was lacking. We are both from stable families, and he is more financially stable than I and enjoys helping me. We are both extremely attentive to each other's emotional needs and understand each other very well. He is honorable, intelligent, intuitive, patient, and exactly the kind of man I want to marry. Except, I'm not attracted to him physically. 
He is overweight and is working on loosing the extra pounds, but I'm afraid that's not really the problem. The problem is he's just not that well endowed. And I don't consider myself superficial in that area. But certain problems are emerging. I am naturally hard to bring to climax, and that is simply impossible from straight sex with him. I don't naturally have a strong sex drive, so my tendency is simply to give up on sex. Of course he doesn't want to, so I find myself constantly fighting an internal battle, trying to desire him so our sex won't wind up being purely mechanical and start causing resentment from both sides. I already freeze up and start making excuses whenever he shows a desire for intimacy. 
Also, I dream about my ex. In my dreams I get to be with him in a house, then halfway through the dream my parents appear. After that, in the dream I am with my currently boyfriend, having realized being with my ex is wrong. 
I'm desperate to find a way to get over my ex and give more to my loving boyfriend. Please help.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

I don't think this relationship is the one for you. Sorry.  But if you aren't fulfilled now, you aren't ever going to be. He sounds like a great friend. Life gets harder and keeping the sex connection can be trying, and if you don't have it now I can't imagine how difficult it will be. You have some decisions to make.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Ive heard it said that if an attraction isn't there in the beginning, it's not something that can develop over time, it's just visceral and either there or not.
I spent 6 years trying to become attracted to my best friend and essentially soul mate on all other fronts.
It broke my heart that I couldn't change that, and I love him dearly, but attraction was an ingredient I needed in my marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Deal breaker. If you stay you will end up being nothing more than room mates. There will be no passion, desire, and it will leave both of you resentful. Keep looking, don't cheat yourself, don't settle.


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## arbm (Jan 9, 2011)

Deal breaker.... my husband and i had this conversation the other day..(clearly not about us as i am very attrated to my hubby) but we wondered how if you are not actually sexually attracted to someone or if they had the same problem as your man how would the relatonship work, we decided it would be more like a friendship than a relationship..

i think in your case it is unfair of you to be with this man because 1) you are still dreaming of your ex, 2) by judt having sex for "the sake of it " when you are not actually attracted or sexually excited by him and in your mind are wanting something that he is not, how is this fair to him?

maybe dont tell him this is the reason you want to seperate as i amagine that would take a huge hit on his ego.

While I am typing this i thought to myself the reverse role could bewhat if he was not happy with the size of your breasts, how would you feel if he didnt get turned on by something you couldnt help ?


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## 40jane (Dec 8, 2010)

Killashandra19 said:


> I'm quite sure that my situation is not uncommon. I am an attractive woman and I spent most of my life hunting attractive men. Mostly this resulted in finding superficial men who could not have true intimacy.
> Eventually I found one man who was perfectly attractive to me physically. He was very intelligent and capable of understanding me. We had such great chemistry and the sex was so good that he left a permanent imprint on my mind. The relationship, however, was tragically plagued by differences and arguments. He was from an abusive family and I was from a very stable one. We were both very poor and could not enjoy our time together. It ended in disaster. A very difficult, painful break-up that also left a huge imprint on my mind.
> A year later I discovered a man who was very gifted in all the areas that my previous relationship was lacking. We are both from stable families, and he is more financially stable than I and enjoys helping me. We are both extremely attentive to each other's emotional needs and understand each other very well. He is honorable, intelligent, intuitive, patient, and exactly the kind of man I want to marry. Except, I'm not attracted to him physically.
> He is overweight and is working on loosing the extra pounds, but I'm afraid that's not really the problem. The problem is he's just not that well endowed. And I don't consider myself superficial in that area. But certain problems are emerging. I am naturally hard to bring to climax, and that is simply impossible from straight sex with him. I don't naturally have a strong sex drive, so my tendency is simply to give up on sex. Of course he doesn't want to, so I find myself constantly fighting an internal battle, trying to desire him so our sex won't wind up being purely mechanical and start causing resentment from both sides. I already freeze up and start making excuses whenever he shows a desire for intimacy.
> ...


80% of women don't have vaginal orgasms...they are only reached through other stimulation so with that said, it isn't his size that is the problem. I don't think you are stimulated emotionally and it sounds like you might like a little controversy in your relationships. Maybe this keeps you interested but I believe you should keep looking and not look in the past just learn from it.


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## Killashandra19 (Jan 15, 2011)

No good, guys...has nobody ever found a good way to fix this? I'm not leaving him. It's not that I'm not attracted to him, really. I'm pretty sure I'd want him all the time if his **** was bigger. It's just the way it works, physically. I'm attracted to everything else about him, even how big his body is. Really tall, big shoulders and hands and arms to hold me with. And he's the best snuggler and a really good kisser. I just wish I could want him on a more animal level. I need him in my life. He fixes everything else in it that was going wrong. And I truly love him for the man he is and think he's the perfect fit for me. So anybody out there wanna give me positive advice? That's what I need.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

You might be asking the impossible. And actually, it sounds like he's not the right "fit" for you after all. And you're "pretty sure" you'd want him all the time if his **** were bigger? Actually, the first thing you mentioned is his weight. Although you put the disclaimer in there that it wasn't *really* the problem. Why mention it then. 
It's hard to give positive advice to someone when they're dealing with a situation that's impossible. The man can't change the size of his ****, unless he's willing to try surgical enhancements. He can learn to please you other ways, but I'm not so sure that would be enough. Sorry.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Taking bits and pieces from the threads above... you really don't have a future with this guy without sacrificing so much of yourself. In the end you will be unhappy, and your actions will make him unhappy as well. Please let this man go. Its is not his fault... he is... what he is. He will soon, if not already pick up on your exscuses, trust me, you aren't being as transparent as you think. If he has a ounce of commen sense he will see through this. I don't know what to tell you, the perfect man might not be out there for you, not that you are asking for alot. But the state of us guys isn't what it used to be, so what you are looking for.. might be a needle in the haystack. 

Or, and i say this NOT to be mean, but while you were looking for Mr. Superficial's back in the day, the other ladies were looking for their Mr. Rights... and they snatched them up!!! Good luck in your quest, but like i said, you need to move on from this guy before the hurt overwhelms you both...


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## CarolinNE (Jan 9, 2011)

Unfortunately, I agree with these other posters. Even if he fulfills EVERYTHING else in your life, the sexual attraction or satisfaction part is going to always be a problem and the longer you go on with the relationship, the harder it will be. I wonder if you marry him, you have children with him...It will be even harder to leave. 

Believe me, I know. Because your situation is EXACTLY what has happened to me. I dated men who I was so sexually attracted to, but always had other issues in the relationship - trust, common interests, goals, education, respect, etc. 

When I met my husband, he was the first really nice guy, my best friend, someone I knew would stand by me not matter what, morals, etc. Well, I was somewhat attracted to him, but by no means very attracted to him. The sex was OK, not out of this world and I never felt, "oh my god, he's so sexy, I want him so bad, etc." Well, I believed that that wasn't important, that sex wasn't really all that important, to get a marriage thru the years, thru the tough times. It would be all that other stuff that makes up a person. 

Well, after 15 years of marriage I have come to realize how important sex and that attraction truly is. It has ALWAYS been a big problem for us. Not really for him, b/c he is attracted to me, but I am not attracted to him. And over 15 years it has only gotten worse, I have only pulled away from him more and more. I haven't wanted to have sex with him, be intimate with him for about 10 years now. It never feels natural and feels like I'm with a friend or a brother. Not right at all. It's always "forced" on my part and I do it b/c I have to, to please him, to "keep the peace" so to say. He is a good lover physically, but emotionally I feel nothing for him like that. Yes, he can get me off, but then I turn around and silently cry to myself because of the way I feel inside, so sad that I don't want to do it, that I wish I felt something for him, that there is no emotional connection, it's always just a physical act. For a woman, that is tough. Imagine feeling like that for years on end. 

Well, we are at a breaking point now and considering separation or divorce. And we have children. That is the killer. I know and he knows, if we didn't have kids, we would have divorced years ago. But at this point, we have decided to hang on for the kids. Not sure how long that is going to last. 

Not having that sexual or emotional connection is WRONG and will kill your relationship. You should really figure it out now. I would hate to see anyone get married, have kids, and then have this happen to them. It is the worse. 

And I also think about someone else all the time. Someone I met last year that I kissed and felt SO attracted to and wanted to have sex with, but didn't. So I know I can feel that way towards someone again. I know what it's like to feel that. I am not sure I want to live the rest of my life never feeling that attraction ever again for someone. That is sad. Such a hard decision...doing what's right for me, or doing right by my kids. Being selfish or being unselfish. 

So make SURE about this relationship and how you really feel. Do not lie to yourself and try to convince yourself b/c everything else about him is SO good, that the sex stuff will come or you can deal with being not 100% satisfied or turned on, attracted to him. Because it will blow up in your face, believe me! If you feel this way now, that is never going to change or improve! He is the way he is and can't change that.

Good luck!


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Since you won't leave him, then what you are looking for is sexual satisfaction. Watch a porn movie if that turns you on. Buy toys, a strap-on, and have fun.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I agree with all on here before me in their responses, especially listen to CarolinNE's words. Sexual Attraction should never be underestimated. Too many have walked this road, and lived to regret it. Just coming here & sharing what you did speaks so much. 

Not being able to get your Ex out of your mind -means he is still in your heart. This will devestate this good man you are trying to hang on to.

My husband has some things about him that I would like to change, he is very passive, I sometimes wish he was more aggressive in the bedroom, I have made issues out of this at times. What I KNOW helps me better overlook these things is how physically attracted I am to him, his body type, these things have always been there, it keeps me flirting with him & wanting him day in & day out. For myself, I can not imagine mustering up such feelings if when I looked at him, I would want to replace those thoughts with somone else. It just isn't healthy. 

It's not likely to work, as you have tasted of that lustful rush, you know what it feels like, you will always be craving it & will only stand to hurt him deeply down the road, if/when you meet some new man who does it for you & is sexually attracted in return. These things are like a magnetic pull.


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## BoardNMom (Jan 10, 2011)

I have to agree with others that this relationship seems a little doomed to me. It will only get worse with marriage and you will end up like room mates. I have been going through something similar with my dh. However he is very well endowed and I do find him physically attractive it's just there has never been a huge passion or desire between us. I thought that having all the other stuff between us like morals, friendship and values would be what I needed for a lasting relationship. We've been married 10 years and I love him but sometimes I do feel he is just a roommate and find it harder to be intimate than it used to be. We have 2 beautiful children and that only makes it harder. It's better to move on now then realize 10 years and 2 kids later that you wish you had the passion.


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## 40jane (Dec 8, 2010)

CarolinNE said:


> Unfortunately, I agree with these other posters. Even if he fulfills EVERYTHING else in your life, the sexual attraction or satisfaction part is going to always be a problem and the longer you go on with the relationship, the harder it will be. I wonder if you marry him, you have children with him...It will be even harder to leave.
> 
> Believe me, I know. Because your situation is EXACTLY what has happened to me. I dated men who I was so sexually attracted to, but always had other issues in the relationship - trust, common interests, goals, education, respect, etc.
> 
> ...


:iagree: :smthumbup: spoken with experience...and good advice!


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Reading alot of these other posts are a little unsettling. I mean i applaud your honesty, and perhaps it hits too close to home as to why i take it so personally. See my wife could be CarolineNE or BoardNMom, because it basically looks like she has no enthusiam towards sex anymore. I told her its probably me, because i'm a nice guy, i have no "edge." But she insists that regardless who i was, her interest level would not be the same. I think she has sex, just to "keep the peace." Which makes it feel like a chore on my end. Sure, i can make her climax, she is open minded about a lot of things, but at the end of the day, she doesn't inititiate, doesn't attack me, its all 1 sided.

Its sad that a man can get punished later on for being exactly what he was when you met him. Only thing that has changed... is you. I know i am venting, and its not entirely directed at anyone personally, i just feel like a little heads up in the begging of the relationship might save everyone tons of grief in the end.


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## loren (Sep 13, 2010)

Killashandra19 said:


> No good, guys...has nobody ever found a good way to fix this? I'm not leaving him. It's not that I'm not attracted to him, really. I'm pretty sure I'd want him all the time if his **** was bigger. It's just the way it works, physically. I'm attracted to everything else about him, even how big his body is. Really tall, big shoulders and hands and arms to hold me with. And he's the best snuggler and a really good kisser. I just wish I could want him on a more animal level. I need him in my life. He fixes everything else in it that was going wrong. And I truly love him for the man he is and think he's the perfect fit for me. So anybody out there wanna give me positive advice? That's what I need.



Are you in love with him? You have said he fixes things in your life, he's a good kisser, he's financially stable, enjoys helping you, extremely intelligent, honourable, patient... all beautiful things but are they wrapped up in a package that you love? If you are in love with him the desire will soon follow. If you're not in love with him and he has all these qualities you admire, I guess the only advice I could offer to "help" is - stick it out. Wait. Love can grow. Being in love is the strongest aphrodisiac for me. The first guy I loved was not my type physically in the slightest but when I fell, just thinking about him could move me to orgasm. It's not a guarantee you'll fall in love with him, but maybe you will and if you continue to spend time together... it might happen.

If you really don't want to leave him, I would say be a bit more patient (and see if he can exercise his famous patience as well) and stop having chore-like sex with him. Wait until you're in love and until you HAVE to have him. Many women have been with men that aren't well endowed but if they are in love they are inspired to try new things and make it work. Seeing as you want to work on this, work on your emotional connection first. He sounds like a friend from what you said. I love and respect my friends, but would not look to them for sex. The best sex I've ever had was with someone I was in love with. I would explain the situation to him, if you respect him as much as you claim. Obviously nothing as harsh as "you're too small", but say you are still getting over your breakup, which is pretty evident from what you've written here, and that you need to slow down on everything. 

If after, say 6 months, he still just feels like this, nice, big tall teddy bear you like to cuddle and converse with, it might be time to hedge your bets and move on, for his sake more than yours. You have said you can be happy without much sex, but if the truth were ever to come out about your lack of attraction to him he would be devastated and feel strung along. Also, what if you were to marry him and you suddenly found yourself in the crosshairs of someone you had extremely strong attraction for? After years of sub par sex you could find it difficult to resist infidelity. All this is a recipe for disaster. Your dedication to him is admirable, but could hurt him in a roundabout way. Perhaps more time will enable you to give this a fair shot. Best of luck to you.


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## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

It is absolutly a deal breaker. My wife used to have an attraction to me but it has diminished over the years to the point now that she will only have sex with me a couple of times a month, just to "keep the peace". There is no longer any kissing involved or foreplay of anything, it is now basically just a chore that she does for me. Every once in a while she will ask for an orgasm from me, but other than that, she can go without sex for as long as I don't complain ( I know because I haven't asked her for it since my birthday Dec. 9th, and we haven't had it since then.) There are other issues at play in our relationship that have built up over time (resentment mainly) that have contributed to how she feels now, but it kills me inside knowing that my wife does not desire me any longer. I can't imagine what it would be like if she never desired me in the first place. He will know it too, if he doesn't already. Do not marry this guy!! Let him find someone who desires to be with him. He deserves that at the very least.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

russ101 said:


> It is absolutly a deal breaker. My wife used to have an attraction to me but it has diminished over the years to the point now that she will only have sex with me a couple of times a month, just to "keep the peace". There is no longer any kissing involved or foreplay of anything, it is now basically just a chore that she does for me. Every once in a while she will ask for an orgasm from me, but other than that, she can go without sex for as long as I don't complain ( I know because I haven't asked her for it since my birthday Dec. 9th, and we haven't had it since then.) There are other issues at play in our relationship that have built up over time (resentment mainly) that have contributed to how she feels now, but it kills me inside knowing that my wife does not desire me any longer. I can't imagine what it would be like if she never desired me in the first place. He will know it too, if he doesn't already. Do not marry this guy!! Let him find someone who desires to be with him. He deserves that at the very least.


What do you think killed the attraction you had?


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Killashandra19 said:


> No good, guys...has nobody ever found a good way to fix this? I'm not leaving him. It's not that I'm not attracted to him, really. I'm pretty sure I'd want him all the time if his **** was bigger. It's just the way it works, physically. I'm attracted to everything else about him, even how big his body is. Really tall, big shoulders and hands and arms to hold me with. And he's the best snuggler and a really good kisser. I just wish I could want him on a more animal level. I need him in my life. He fixes everything else in it that was going wrong. And I truly love him for the man he is and think he's the perfect fit for me. So anybody out there wanna give me positive advice? That's what I need.


So everything about him is good bar the actual sex itself?

Does he think the sex is good?

Sadly you are not going to be able to manufacture animal passion for him, so it really depends on whether you can live with that and make the most of what you have.

I've been with my husband for 22 years. We had our ups and downs (a lot of downs sex-wise) and I have never really had an animal passion for him. He doesn't have much passion full stop, but he does find me attractive. However I am HD and since I enjoy sex I can get over the fact that he does not make me weak at the knees as long as we have fun together. How you manage that kind of thing if you are not all that interested in sex in the first place is somewhat more challenging.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Killashandra19 said:


> A year later I discovered a man who was very gifted in all the areas that my previous relationship was lacking. We are both from stable families, and he is more financially stable than I and enjoys helping me. We are both extremely attentive to each other's emotional needs and understand each other very well. He is honorable, intelligent, intuitive, patient, and exactly the kind of man I want to marry. Except, I'm not attracted to him physically.
> 
> He is overweight and is working on loosing the extra pounds, but I'm afraid that's not really the problem. The problem is he's just not that well endowed. And I don't consider myself superficial in that area. But certain problems are emerging. I am naturally hard to bring to climax, and that is simply impossible from straight sex with him.* I don't naturally have a strong sex drive, so my tendency is simply to give up on sex. *Of course he doesn't want to, *so I find myself constantly fighting an internal battle, trying to desire him so our sex won't wind up being purely mechanical and start causing resentment from both sides. I already freeze up and start making excuses whenever he shows a desire for intimacy.*
> 
> ...


Please Do your current boyfriend a favor, LEAVE HIM...everyone deserves to be loved and cherished, it would kill him to know you are dreaming of your ex and resent sex with him ...his life will be a prison of rejection , hurt feelings and sadness while you are pining for a more well endowed man, even if you did get over your ex... Let him go so he can find someone who truly loves him FOR HIM. 



> I'm attracted to everything else about him, even how big his body is. Really tall, big shoulders and hands and arms to hold me with. And he's the best snuggler and a really good kisser. I just wish I could want him on a more animal level. I need him in my life. He fixes everything else in it that was going wrong. And I truly love him for the man he is and think he's the perfect fit for me.


 What you are doing here writing this out is >> TRYING to believe this -because you want it to be so... Your opening post to this one is very different...you are dreaming of another man....his CO** is a pencil for you. You love what he DOES for you, that he makes more $$..

I just watched the Notebook 2 nights ago, she almost allowed MONEY -didn't want to hurt hIM, because of a promise....to win and that guy was HOT ...but she still went back to Noah...Love won out...you gotta LOVE the whole man...and when you don't love his "member".....there is not finer rejection... A man wants 2 things, maybe 3.... Respect, love his penis (lots of sex)....and keeping his belly full ...

Just realized this thread is over 2 and half yrs old.... and I already answered this! This lady isn't coming back, so we have no idea what she ended up doing!


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