# Does he not understand or not care?



## nicolekirkpatrick2003 (11 mo ago)

I'm a 30 F and my husband is 33. We've been together since I was 16. Anyway several years ago, when our oldest son was a baby, I encountered him to go out with a friend and his buddies, frankly I was tired of listening to hubby complain about never doing anything. All I asked was he didn't Drink and Drive and he call me once to let me know he was ok.... He did neither, then LIED about everything that happened that night. I only found out when our friend revealed the truth, in front of my hubby. I was and am livid. I knew they were going to a strip club, BUT I didn't expect him to sink so low to do what he did. I told him how it made and makes me feel, yet he seems totally uninterested in my feelings...


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

So what did he do. Other than totally not call you or not drive drunk.?


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## redmarshall (11 mo ago)

this needs answering, what did he do that you know for sure.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

redmarshall said:


> this needs answering, what did he do that you know for sure.


Well sure it’s part of the problem but the lying about any of it is a problem.

agreeing to call and then not doing it would be a problem.

drinking if agreed not to.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Why would you knowingly send him to a strip club?

does his buddies not have any other get togethers?


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## redmarshall (11 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> Well sure it’s part of the problem but the lying about any of it is a problem.
> 
> agreeing to call and then not doing it would be a problem.
> 
> drinking if agreed not to.


Well see, if he's a responsible person otherwise, I don't think think its anything to worry about. For the drinking, agreed one shouldn't drink and drive, but I am gathering there is more to this story. She said she knew he was going to a strip club but wouldn't sink "so low" to do what he did. So i am guessing there is something else to the story.


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## nicolekirkpatrick2003 (11 mo ago)

nicolekirkpatrick2003 said:


> I'm a 30 F and my husband is 33. We've been together since I was 16. Anyway several years ago, when our oldest son was a baby, I encountered him to go out with a friend and his buddies, frankly I was tired of listening to hubby complain about never doing anything. All I asked was he didn't Drink and Drive and he call me once to let me know he was ok.... He did neither, then LIED about everything that happened that night. I only found out when our friend revealed the truth, in front of my hubby. I was and am livid. I knew they were going to a strip club, BUT I didn't expect him to sink so low to do what he did. I told him how it made and makes me feel, yet he seems totally uninterested in my feelings...


He allowed a stripper to beat his bare ass with a belt in front of EVERYONE, lap dances, even though he says he didn't want it, and not to mention I had to leave my infant to go hunt him down!!


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

nicolekirkpatrick2003 said:


> He allowed a stripper to beat his bare ass with a belt in front of EVERYONE, lap dances, even though he says he didn't want it, and not to mention I had to leave my infant to go hunt him down!!


Doesn't seem too bad to me.... Apart from leaving your infant, of course...


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

nicolekirkpatrick2003 said:


> He allowed a stripper to beat his bare ass with a belt in front of EVERYONE, lap dances, even though he says he didn't want it, and not to mention I had to leave my infant to go hunt him down!!


So if you had to hunt him down you already knew something was up yes? And then he lied.

I understand why you are upset. I think he is gaslighting you. He doesn't want to be in trouble so he's acting like he doesn't understand but he does.

This would be hard for me to swallow. What is your plan?


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## nicolekirkpatrick2003 (11 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> Doesn't seem too bad to me.... Apart from leaving your infant, of course...


My thing is I let him go, even though every word that came out his mouth was a lie, told him how I felt about it, and he doesn't care. There's other instances but that's alot to type


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Anastasia6 said:


> So if you had to hunt him down you already knew something was up yes? And then he lied.
> 
> I understand why you are upset. I think he is gaslighting you. He doesn't want to be in trouble so he's acting like he doesn't understand but he does.
> 
> This would be hard for me to swallow. What is your plan?


well, she did send him to a strip club with a licence to get drunk... what do you expect?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

nicolekirkpatrick2003 said:


> My thing is I let him go, even though every word that came out his mouth was a lie, told him how I felt about it, and he doesn't care. There's other instances but that's alot to type


So, he lies a lot. How can you put up with that?


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## nicolekirkpatrick2003 (11 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> So, he lies a lot. How can you put up with that?


Not gonna lie, it's not easy. There's been a lot happen over the years. I'm at my breaking point, but either he doesn't see what he does is wrong or he just doesn't care. That's what I'm confused about, like which is it?


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## nicolekirkpatrick2003 (11 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> well, she did send him to a strip club with a licence to get drunk... what do you expect?


Normally he doesn't drink, it makes him sick.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

nicolekirkpatrick2003 said:


> Not gonna lie, it's not easy. There's been a lot happen over the years. I'm at my breaking point, but either he doesn't see what he does is wrong or he just doesn't care. That's what I'm confused about, like which is it?


Want my opinion? He doesn't care, because he's been getting away with it for ages...


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

nicolekirkpatrick2003 said:


> he doesn't see what he does is wrong or he just doesn't care


Many people are comfortable with lying. They have practiced it for so long that their conscience no longer bothers to complain.



nicolekirkpatrick2003 said:


> not to mention I had to leave my infant to go hunt him down!!


Do you recognize how utterly codependent and "motherly" this is toward your husband ? Maybe, rebellion is part of your husband's schtick. And, yes, I mean exactly that. It's a play-act. Also, there is somewhat of a "code" among men who get a night out away from their wives..... they don't call..... they don't want to be seen as "henpecked".....

I once went with my BIL to an arena football game. He called his wife at least 6 times during that game.... I came home in utter disbelief.... and, there was no alcohol, nothing worse than a stupid 7-dollar bag of popcorn (yes, I'm a fool, I bought us 2) and a diet coke.... the cheerleaders were young and pretty, but neither of us got closer than 20 yards to them.....


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## nicolekirkpatrick2003 (11 mo ago)

TJW said:


> Many people are comfortable with lying. They have practiced it for so long that their conscience no longer bothers to complain.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I don't try to mother him. God knows his mom does enough of that, to this day! Yet I can go to our local Dollar General and be gone 15 minutes and get the 3rd degree about why I was gone so long.... I don't understand why he can do as he pleases and be gone for however long, but I go to a store and he flips out


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

So the only request that you had was to not drink and drive, correct? If that is the case it leaves the door wide open. I would be disappointed to learn that my husband had gone to a strip club rather than just meeting a buddy for boy time. I guess my thoughts here is that perhaps he needed that thrill? Is this his usual behavior? Is it common for him to either go out drinking or frequent strip clubs? If so, I would have concern. If not, if this was just a fun thing he did, then forgive and move on.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

Well clearly his friends have no respectvfor your marriage either. Damn.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

nicolekirkpatrick2003 said:


> _*Not gonna lie, it's not easy. There's been a lot happen over the years. I'm at my breaking point, but either he doesn't see what he does is wrong or he just doesn't care. That's what I'm confused about, like which is it?*_


Are you REALLY that naive?????

When someone CONTINUALLY lies to you, do you honestly think he does it because he *doesn't* know that lying is wrong???? You actually think it might be because shucks and gee golly, he just doesn't _know_ any better and *that's* why he lies?

Stop making excuses for why you stay with a liar and just own your ****.


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## nicolekirkpatrick2003 (11 mo ago)

AVR1962 said:


> So the only request that you had was to not drink and drive, correct? If that is the case it leaves the door wide open. I would be disappointed to learn that my husband had gone to a strip club rather than just meeting a buddy for boy time. I guess my thoughts here is that perhaps he needed that thrill? Is this his usual behavior? Is it common for him to either go out drinking or frequent strip clubs? If so, I would have concern. If not, if this was just a fun thing he did, then forgive and move on.


No drinking and driving and to call me just to check in. My problem is he said he'd make sure to call, he didn't. He tried to say he never had a phone and our friend is the one that told me he was lying. He lied about absolutely EVERYTHING.


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## nicolekirkpatrick2003 (11 mo ago)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Are you REALLY that naive?????
> 
> When someone CONTINUALLY lies to you, do you honestly think he does it because he *doesn't* know that lying is wrong???? You actually think it might be because shucks and gee golly, he just doesn't _know_ any better and *that's* why he lies?
> 
> Stop making excuses for why you stay with a liar and just own your ****.


No I'm not naive. I'm just trying to understand whether he's not understanding my feelings or he just doesn't care about them enough to be honest....


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

nicolekirkpatrick2003 said:


> No I'm not naive. I'm just trying to understand whether he's not understanding my feelings or he just doesn't care about them enough to be honest....


Chances are neither. He is probably only worried about him. He's worried he'll be in trouble or that he'll have to listen to you ***** or that you'll be upset and not have sex with him.

It's all about him. You aren't entering the equation. or many I guess that goes with doesn't care enough to be honest.

Honestly I can't imagine telling my husband it was ok to go to a strip club. But he didn't follow through a participated in crappy behavior. To me then lying and to continue not caring or being honest is just too far.

Was this some bachelor party? Or does he have friends who regularly go to strip clubs (cause ewww).

ETA if his friends are regularly this way..... Low quality men tend to hang out and be friends with low quality men.


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## nicolekirkpatrick2003 (11 mo ago)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Are you REALLY that naive?????
> 
> When someone CONTINUALLY lies to you, do you honestly think he does it because he *doesn't* know that lying is wrong???? You actually think it might be because shucks and gee golly, he just doesn't _know_ any better and *that's* why he lies?
> 
> Stop making excuses for why you stay with a liar and just own your ****.


No I'm not naive. I'm just trying to understand whether he's not understanding my feelings or he just doesn't care about them enough to be honest....


Anastasia6 said:


> Chances are neither. He is probably only worried about him. He's worried he'll be in trouble or that he'll have to listen to you *** or that you'll be upset and not have sex with him.
> 
> It's all about him. You aren't entering the equation. or many I guess that goes with doesn't care enough to be honest.
> 
> ...


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

nicolekirkpatrick2003 said:


> No I'm not naive. I'm just trying to understand whether he's not understanding my feelings or he just doesn't care about them enough to be honest....


I'm not big on guys night out or girls night out but I don't think strip clubs are appropriate (full stop) and certainly not for a married man.

If he gets nights out then your should too. Everyone needs a break from being with a small child. Is there anyway that someone could watch your child and both of you go out together?

First his disrepect and such I probably wouldn't tolerate. But assuming you don't want a divorce....

After being hurt by this he now wants to push it again and again. This says he is completely checked out and is daring you to do something like divorce him. Or now that you have a child he feels he can behave anyway he wants because you won't or can't leave.

Do you have a job? Family? What would leaving look like?

Are there previous infidelities on either side? 
Have you two recovered any of your sex life since your child has been born?

Is there anything in particular he complains about or is unhappy about?

Even in you are a stay at home mom you need time to decompress and he should take child care responsibilities on too.

Everyone is different. Everyone figures this out as they go through it.

May I ask what was he like the last 16 years?'


ETA this was several years ago why is it an issue now. Is it because you just found out the truth or are you holding on to it for years?


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

nicolekirkpatrick2003 said:


> He allowed a stripper to beat his bare ass with a belt in front of EVERYONE, lap dances, even though he says he didn't want it, and not to mention I had to leave my infant to go hunt him down!!


Why did you have to go "hunt him down"?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Anastasia6 said:


> I'm not big on guys night out or girls night out but I don't think strip clubs are appropriate (full stop) and certainly not for a married man.
> 
> If he gets nights out then your should too. Everyone needs a break from being with a small child. Is there anyway that someone could watch your child and both of you go out together?
> 
> ...


I myself don't think its bad for either spouse to have a day out. Hers consists of her along with two friends going out on a Friday or Saturday night to sing.

Mine is me and a friend or two hunting hogs or deer in the swamp. There might be 250 words spoken all day, but we had a good time 🤣


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

am i reading this right, he did this sex years ago, and you are still mad at him?

or was that only one of multiple indiscretions.

He did not call you that day because he drank too much, and completely forgot to call. it happens.

about the only things i can tell by your story is,
*your husband does not go out much
*he is horny as hell
*he likes to be whipped by a woman

get a flogger and whip him yourself. see if the two of you both enjoy that.


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## nicolekirkpatrick2003 (11 mo ago)

H had 


happyhusband0005 said:


> Why did you have to go "hunt him down"?
> [/QUOTE
> He had MY car


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## nicolekirkpatrick2003 (11 mo ago)

1


Talker67 said:


> am i reading this right, he did this sex years ago, and you are still mad at him?
> 
> or was that only one of multiple indiscretions.
> 
> ...


1) this is just 1 thing that bothers me.
2) he gets out more than I do 3) sex life is fine and 4) he's not into whips😂


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## nicolekirkpatrick2003 (11 mo ago)

Mr. Nail said:


> I tried and tried to piece this together, But thank you for the summary, this helps.
> It's not one event. It's not just lying. It's a pattern of disregarding your feelings, or really emotional needs. Some people would just say that he lacks emotional intelligence (EQ).
> I'm going through a decline in emotional support in my relationship, and it is very near what you are suffering. The difference in my case is that I can still remember when things were different. Maybe 8 - 10 years ago. The point of being in a long term relationship is that you have a person who you can *trust *to care about your *emotional needs*. You and I do not have that. In truth we are living in a pretend relationship.
> To your advantage you are much younger than me, with a better chance of starting over.


I'm sorry you're going through it too. It's difficult to deal with daily. Thank you for understanding


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

well get out more!!! Covid is waning. time to go out an party. bring him along if you want, or do girls night outs....but do not totally crimp his fun just because you are not getting a similar amount of fun!


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## nicolekirkpatrick2003 (11 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> I'm not big on guys night out or girls night out but I don't think strip clubs are appropriate (full stop) and certainly not for a married man.
> 
> If he gets nights out then your should too. Everyone needs a break from being with a small child. Is there anyway that someone could watch your child and both of you go out together?
> 
> ...


We have 2 boys (10 n 4). I have no family here or even friends. I have no where else to go. I'm a stay at home mom right now. I'm just fed up with the fact my feelings mean nothing to him.


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## nicolekirkpatrick2003 (11 mo ago)

Y


Talker67 said:


> well get out more!!! Covid is waning. time to go out an party. bring him along if you want, or do girls night outs....but do not totally crimp his fun just because you are not getting a similar amount of fun!


You're not getting it. I'm not allowed to do anything. I have to beg him to spend any time with me.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

nicolekirkpatrick2003 said:


> Y
> 
> You're not getting it. I'm not allowed to do anything. I have to beg him to spend any time with me.


Well it's time to make some hard decisions. If you leave he will have to pay child support and alimony and of course some of the assholes are supposed to but don't pay. So if you leave you will need to get a job.

Do you have access to the bank accounts? If not why not?

I'm not saying you have to leave I"m saying that he is showing you no love or respect. You should want more than that.

Do you have any friends? What access to money do you have?
Does he have weekends off?

If you want to stay you must work toward a better relationship and it doesn't sound like he's interested so maybe work toward independence so you have a choice to stay or go.

His family is close will they watch the kids so you two can spend some time together without kids?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Talker67 said:


> well get out more!!! Covid is waning. time to go out an party. bring him along if you want, or do girls night outs....but do not totally crimp his fun just because you are not getting a similar amount of fun!


So don't crimp his style? Like by being a wife? By stopping him from getting a bare asses spanking from a stripper he probably had to pay with marital funds?????

Should she just go out get drunk not call home or let him know how she is doing and let some man spank her bare ass??

Just such stupidity...


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

nicolekirkpatrick2003 said:


> Y
> 
> You're not getting it. I'm not allowed to do anything. I have to beg him to spend any time with me.


well you did not say that.

fair is fair. you need to be able to play too


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> I myself don't think its bad for either spouse to have a day out. Hers consists of her along with two friends going out on a Friday or Saturday night to sing.
> 
> Mine is me and a friend or two hunting hogs or deer in the swamp. There might be 250 words spoken all day, but we had a good time 🤣


Ok so you realize there is a difference in hunting hogs and paying whores right?


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

nicolekirkpatrick2003 said:


> I have to beg him to spend any time with me.


Never do this. Never chase. Someone who cares, who wants to be with you, will want to spend time with you. 

Find a job and start working again too. Don't get left high and dry. 

Time for some stiff boundaries and follow through, or leave before he does.



Anastasia6 said:


> So don't crimp his style? Like by being a wife? By stopping him from getting a bare asses spanking from a stripper he probably had to pay with marital funds?????


Right? If he wants to act single, let him be single.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Anastasia6 said:


> So don't crimp his style? Like by being a wife? By stopping him from getting a bare asses spanking from a stripper he probably had to pay with marital funds?????
> 
> Should she just go out get drunk not call home or let him know how she is doing and let some man spank her bare ass??
> 
> Just such stupidity...


There are some things that spouses shouldn't do, but every couple is different. 

But just because you are married, that doesnt mean you can't go out and have fun. You should be going out from time to time on a Friday or Saturday night. Hell yeah get drunk, howl at the moon, and enjoy each other. 

Again, I know every couple is different with limits and that is completely ok and understandable. My wife and I are pretty relaxed. Its understood that there is no touching and physical contact with the opposite sex while alone. Sexual contact with others would be devastating. But we have absolutely let loose on Bourbon St in New Orleans. We went together to the Hustler club on Bourbon St and I ordered her a lapdance lol..... Its all in good fun, but that is us.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> There are some things that spouses shouldn't do, but every couple is different.
> 
> But just because you are married, that doesnt mean you can't go out and have fun. You should be going out from time to time on a Friday or Saturday night. Hell yeah get drunk, howl at the moon, and enjoy each other.
> 
> Again, I know every couple is different with limits and that is completely ok and understandable. My wife and I are pretty relaxed. Its understood that there is no touching and physical contact with the opposite sex while alone. Sexual contact with others would be devastating. But we have absolutely let loose on Bourbon St in New Orleans. We went together to the Hustler club on Bourbon St and I ordered her a lapdance lol..... Its all in good fun, but that is us.


So you regularly go to strip club without her and pay for you a lap dance?

Cause.... going together isn't the same. Going once for a bachelor party isn't the same as going there like some do to a bar. 

And yeah each marriage is different and the two in the marriage make those rules. So guess what THIS poster is saying about her ideas for rules......


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Anastasia6 said:


> Ok so you realize there is a difference in hunting hogs and paying whores right?


Look, I am really sorry for your situation. I dont even know you, but would love to hear that you are in a great relationship that makes you smile until your face hurts and toes cramping from curling so much.

I can tell you are angry and hurting as well, that is why you are here and that is ok. But you guys need to sit down and have a long and deep conversation about being together. I would even suggest going somewhere alone for a couple of days to think about if this is what you want or if you two can make this work..... But based off everything you have said, it honestly doesn't sound like you two are compatible. You both have different styles, goals, and attitudes. Its not that opposites can't work as my wife and I are clear proof that it can. But as it is now, do you see yourself in this relationship 6 months from now? A year? 5 years?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> Look, I am really sorry for your situation. I dont even know you, but would love to hear that you are in a great relationship that makes you smile until your face hurts and toes cramping from curling so much.



couldn't tell this part seemed directed at me since it was quoted and the bottom for the OP.

1. i am in a really great relationship that makes me smile and my toes curl. 28 years of bliss. I'm only angry that you are trying to normalize her husband treating her like a maid and nanny without any concern for her feelings.

2. noticed you didn't answer if you are the type to regularly go to strip clubs and pay for lap dances without the wife....

I don't think OP is being unreasonable. She actually said he could go and asked he not drive drunk (in her car). Are we for driving drunk now?
She also asked he call once. If he wasn't willing to call he should have said that straight up and not agreed.

Then the biggest issue is the lying. Do you regularly lie to your wife? Do you consider that ok? you see couples have all kinds of different relationships including there are those that have sex with others with permission but the key always goes back to both parties in the marriage agreeing.

OP have you two ever just talked without the kids around? lately?

often times the constantly going out is a way of avoiding things at home including kids. He's acting like an ass but that doesn't mean he doesn't have things bothering him. You obviously have things bothering you. How is your and his communication style?

You say you don't spend any time together that would be tough to do if you are a SAHM unless he is constantly going someplace else. What does a week look like for you?


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Anastasia6 said:


> So you regularly go to strip club without her and pay for you a lap dance?
> 
> Cause.... going together isn't the same. Going once for a bachelor party isn't the same as going there like some do to a bar.
> 
> And yeah each marriage is different and the two in the marriage make those rules. So guess what THIS poster is saying about her ideas for rules......


No, I have honestly never gone to a strip club without her. We have gone together to have fun together. But its not a place that gets me all excited and can't wait to go.

And this brings up a very crucial part of marriage that will make it or break it, and that is compatibility. You don't have to be 100% compatible to make a marriage work. But it appears your rules and his rules are completely opposite..... I highly recommend a marriage counselor who has a lot of experience. One that will see each of you separately and together. Thats because in my opinion, I am not saying either of you are bad people, but you two just dont appear compatible for a healthy long term relationship.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Anastasia6 said:


> couldn't tell this part seemed directed at me since it was quoted and the bottom for the OP.
> 
> 1. i am in a really great relationship that makes me smile and my toes curl. 28 years of bliss. I'm only angry that you are trying to normalize her husband treating her like a maid and nanny without any concern for her feelings.
> 
> ...



Nothing was directed at you and I am very happy that you have been in a great marriage., not many couples make it that long. And what have I said to even remotely suggest her husband treat her like a nanny and maid?

No, I have never been to a strip club without my wife. I have actually never had a lap dance, she did when I paid for one for her. It was a lot of laughs and fun for the moment. 

As for everything else you mentioned, that comes down to compatibility and it feels like this marriage is void of compatibility. He seems like he is still in the party phase and wants to go out having fun and she is ready to settle down and have a more traditional family type life. I just feel that unless something major changes, there will be a lot of resentment until things reach a boiling point one day.

I am sorry my answer offended you so much, but I feel like you didn’t have to be so nasty about it.


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## nicolekirkpatrick2003 (11 mo ago)

Ys 


Anastasia6 said:


> Well it's time to make some hard decisions. If you leave he will have to pay child support and alimony and of course some of the assholes are supposed to but don't pay. So if you leave you will need to get a job.
> 
> Do you have access to the bank accounts? If not why not?
> 
> ...


Yes I have full access to the bank. His family all live in Ohio and mine is kinda scattered.


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## nicolekirkpatrick2003 (11 mo ago)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> No, I have honestly never gone to a strip club without her. We have gone together to have fun together. But its not a place that gets me all excited and can't wait to go.
> 
> And this brings up a very crucial part of marriage that will make it or break it, and that is compatibility. You don't have to be 100% compatible to make a marriage work. But it appears your rules and his rules are completely opposite..... I highly recommend a marriage counselor who has a lot of experience. One that will see each of you separately and together. Thats because in my opinion, I am not saying either of you are bad people, but you two just dont appear compatible for a healthy long term relationship.


I've told him myself that I don't think we're compatible. He disagrees. s for the counselor, on a waiting list a mile long


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

nicolekirkpatrick2003 said:


> I've told him myself that I don't think we're compatible. He disagrees. s for the counselor, on a waiting list a mile long


Have you looked into a online video session? You can access counselors all across the country usually fairly quickly and cheaper than in person. 

On a different note, you deserve to be able to go out and have some fun like he does. Preferably have fun together. But I firmly believe everyone is entitled to some off time to relax and escape reality for a little while. And it appears he doesn't respect that at all. I think you should plan some time out alone or with a friend and tell him that this Friday night my friend and I are going out and will be back when we are back.... If he starts throwing a fit, say I am not asking whether or not I can go. I am being courteous by letting you know that I am going out.

But if you are in a relationship where you have to beg to be able to do anything, that is abuse and I encourage you to stand up for yourself as you are not a robot or slave. I also believe that if he refuses counseling or if nothing changes. Then it should be time to end this relationship. As I mentioned before, he sounds like he is still in the selfish jock style party phase and not mature enough for marriage. You seem like you are more ready to settle down for the traditional family life, but still have date nights together as a couple that dont involve drunken nights at the strip club. 

I think maybe its time to try and start reaching out to some of your family as backup for a place to go if things go south. But I promise you, there are other people out there who are far more compatible and will align with who you are and you will just click together. God knows before marriage, I dated some women who we just were not compatible. One was deeply religious, but really sweet. I broke her out of her shell as I was a bit of a bad boy back then 😈. But the next day, she would be overwhelmed with guilt and all we did was see an adult rated comedy act in a bar lol.


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## nicolekirkpatrick2003 (11 mo ago)

Unfortunately where we live, in


ThatDarnGuy! said:


> Have you looked into a online video session? You can access counselors all across the country usually fairly quickly and cheaper than in person.
> 
> On a different note, you deserve to be able to go out and have some fun like he does. Preferably have fun together. But I firmly believe everyone is entitled to some off time to relax and escape reality for a little while. And it appears he doesn't respect that at all. I think you should plan some time out alone or with a friend and tell him that this Friday night my friend and I are going out and will be back when we are back.... If he starts throwing a fit, say I am not asking whether or not I can go. I am being courteous by letting you know that I am going out.
> 
> ...


Unfortunately I can't do the tele doc stuff. Internet is stupid slow where we live. As for my family, let's just say I've always been the black sheep. Both literally and figuratively, so that's out.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

nicolekirkpatrick2003 said:


> No drinking and driving and to call me just to check in. My problem is he said he'd make sure to call, he didn't. He tried to say he never had a phone and our friend is the one that told me he was lying. He lied about absolutely EVERYTHING.


Sounds like that friend is yours, not his.

Does this guy friend who blabbed have aims on you?

Be careful.

I agree, this behavior of your husband is very childish.

He is acting as would a man child.


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## nicolekirkpatrick2003 (11 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> Sounds like that friend is yours, not his.
> 
> Does this guy friend who blabbed have aims on you?
> 
> ...


The friend was a mutual friend. Honestly I'm glad he told me the truth, I'm tired of the double standards. We don't associate with him anymore (became an addict).


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## nicolekirkpatrick2003 (11 mo ago)

theloveofmylife said:


> Never do this. Never chase. Someone who cares, who wants to be with you, will want to spend time with you.
> 
> Find a job and start working again too. Don't get left high and dry.
> 
> ...


Here's the thing, according to him he doesn't want to be single, but he obviously doesn't want to respect my wishes either when I try to respect his. Oh there's so much y'all don't know


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## nicolekirkpatrick2003 (11 mo ago)

W


ThatDarnGuy! said:


> There are some things that spouses shouldn't do, but every couple is different.
> 
> But just because you are married, that doesnt mean you can't go out and have fun. You should be going out from time to time on a Friday or Saturday night. Hell yeah get drunk, howl at the moon, and enjoy each other.
> 
> Again, I know every couple is different with limits and that is completely ok and understandable. My wife and I are pretty relaxed. Its understood that there is no touching and physical contact with the opposite sex while alone. Sexual contact with others would be devastating. But we have absolutely let loose on Bourbon St in New Orleans. We went together to the Hustler club on Bourbon St and I ordered her a lapdance lol..... Its all in good fun, but that is us.


I've said something about going with him and he literally told me "If you go then I can't enjoy myself"


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

nicolekirkpatrick2003 said:


> W
> 
> I've said something about going with him and he literally told me "If you go then I can't enjoy myself"


Which means he either doesn't want to spend time wiht you OR he knows he is doing unacceptable stuff.


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## nicolekirkpatrick2003 (11 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> couldn't tell this part seemed directed at me since it was quoted and the bottom for the OP.
> 
> 1. i am in a really great relationship that makes me smile and my toes curl. 28 years of bliss. I'm only angry that you are trying to normalize her husband treating her like a maid and nanny without any concern for her feelings.
> 
> ...


My normal week is he works 5 days (swing shift), I take care of the boys when they get home from school, the 2 days he's off he either does nothing (including what needs to be done) or does what he wants to do (hunting, going to his friends house, or sleeping). I don't have any friends anymore because I was never around (couldn't go anywhere). Basically I'm here at home with the boys. I don't get to do anything alone, not even grocery shopping.


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## nicolekirkpatrick2003 (11 mo ago)

My thoughts ex


Anastasia6 said:


> Which means he either doesn't want to spend time wiht you OR he knows he is doing unacceptable stuff.


My thoughts exactly!! Then he tells me "well you can go to Chip n Dale's, but you gotta take mom or my sister with you"


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## nicolekirkpatrick2003 (11 mo ago)

My thoughts ex


Anastasia6 said:


> Which means he either doesn't want to spend time wiht you OR he knows he is doing unacceptable stuff.


My thoughts exactly!! Then he tells me "well you can go to Chip n Dale's, but you gotta take mom or my sister with you"


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I’m destroyed and feel terrible for you sister. Maybe you need to go to church and start really praying for hubby!

Anger isn’t a bad thing either. I’m pretty sure my wife would have lost it and thrown me out, taken the kids and left, or killed me in my sleep 😆.

Maybe if you got involved in church you’d make friends with better people?


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## nicolekirkpatrick2003 (11 mo ago)

CatholicDad said:


> I’m destroyed and feel terrible for you sister. Maybe you need to go to church and start really praying for hubby!
> 
> Anger isn’t a bad thing either. I’m pretty sure my wife would have lost it and thrown me out, taken the kids and left, or killed me in my sleep 😆.
> 
> Maybe if you got involved in church you’d make friends with better people?


He has my car (only car til the weather breaks). I haven't been to church in a long time, I'm a sinner lol. Most of the churches in my area are elderly, I don't think I'd quite fit in lol


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

nicolekirkpatrick2003 said:


> He has my car (only car til the weather breaks). I haven't been to church in a long time, I'm a sinner lol. Most of the churches in my area are elderly, I don't think I'd quite fit in lol


We’re all sinners. Elderly people rock and behind the gray and wrinkles they’ve experienced what you are now and in some cases- worse. They’ll offer counsel for free and maybe loan you a car…. I think a priest might want to send you to a woman’s shelter if you told them what’s going on- no kidding.


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## nicolekirkpatrick2003 (11 mo ago)

CatholicDad said:


> We’re all sinners. Elderly people rock and behind the gray and wrinkles they’ve experienced what you are now and in some cases- worse. They’ll offer counsel for free and maybe loan you a car…. I think a priest might want to send you to a woman’s shelter if you told them what’s going on- no kidding.


I grew up in a women's shelter so no thanks. I worked with the elderly. Another issue is I'm biracial an everyone around me is white, so I tend to get some stares and I'd rather not losing my sh*t in a church lol


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

nicolekirkpatrick2003 said:


> He allowed a stripper to beat his bare ass with a belt in front of EVERYONE, lap dances, even though he says he didn't want it, and not to mention I had to leave my infant to go hunt him down!!


He sounds like a freaking 14-year-old. Is that who you want to be married to influencing your children? Set a good example for them by either getting him to grow up or leaving.


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## nicolekirkpatrick2003 (11 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> He sounds like a freaking 14-year-old. Is that who you want to be married to influencing your children? Set a good example for them by either getting him to grow up or leaving.


Don't you think I'm trying?! I'm here getting opinions because I'm totally alone down here.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

nicolekirkpatrick2003 said:


> Don't you think I'm trying?! I'm here getting opinions because I'm totally alone down here.


People don't change easily. Those that refuse to grow up may never grow up. Sorry you're going through it.


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## nicolekirkpatrick2003 (11 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> People don't change easily. Those that refuse to grow up may never grow up. Sorry you're going through it.


I know people rarely change. I've seen it first hand with my "father".


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

nicolekirkpatrick2003 said:


> No drinking and driving and to call me just to check in. My problem is he said he'd make sure to call, he didn't. He tried to say he never had a phone and our friend is the one that told me he was lying. He lied about absolutely EVERYTHING.


If he lies about everything that leads to lack of your ability to trust. What kind of marriage can you have with a man you cannot trust? Why are you staying?


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

nicolekirkpatrick2003 said:


> I grew up in a women's shelter so no thanks. I worked with the elderly. Another issue is I'm biracial an everyone around me is white, so I tend to get some stares and I'd rather not losing my sh*t in a church lol


Maybe you could get to know some other young mothers in your area? Not necessarily to share your marital troubles with but just to form friendships with.


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