# Confused and Frustrated



## RyanJ (Jul 8, 2021)

So first let me start by saying I'll try to be honest here - not boasting or exaggerating and I will try and be fair to my wife and not one sided.
By the title of my post, I am more frustrated than confused. Both my wife and I have been married a long time, but we are still relatively young (late 30's, early 40). We are both in good shape, good looking, and we want for nothing. We have time together and we get along pretty good for the most part.
Now I can anticipate the comments, so let me add that I very much help daily, do a lot of the cooking, cleaning, chores, and take the kids to a lot of places. Our time is very well balanced. We usually have time at night together also.
The issue is that we have sex like every 6-7 weeks at best. And honestly, it's become very dull to me. Not to say that my sex drive has fallen off, if anything it's the opposite. I wake up every morning like I am a teenager, and I don't lack in any department.
Given that I am involved, in shape, attractive, and successful, I get attention from other women. I have actually had 2 women in the last few years come out and offer to have NSA sex - and both were younger, one by 10 years. Of course I declined since I value my marriage and my wife, but honestly it is very hard. I need sex maybe every week or every other week and I'm good. 
We have talked about it, and she first was very defensive, then she mentioned that I had too much of a sex drive. Finally she admitted one day that she is "kindof a prude" and didn't want it that much. That's fine I guess, but she wasn't like that when we dated (in fact she was really fun and wild with me at times). If I try to bring it up now, she just gets irritated and tells me that sex is all I'm about.
Porn doesn't do much for me honestly. It's ok but it's fake and turns me off fast. I feel like it's not improving either.
I guess I'm just confused on what I can do and frustrated because I feel trapped sometimes. I really feel that temptation will get me sooner or later if this continues, and the women that have offered were attractive. Not sure what else I can do, or if anyone is in the same situation?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Bottom line, you need some outside help, IMO. Start with a marriage counsellor, and if that doesn't help, end with a lawyer.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Read or listen to The Dead Bedroom Fix by DSO @dadstartingover and see if any of that rings true to you. If so, next one is Married Man’s Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

RyanJ said:


> do a lot of the cooking, cleaning, chores, and take the kids to a lot of places.



All the signs are there that her attraction level for you has dropped. A lot.

Why are you doing this. Rich cooper did a video on what i think he called chore play. His last video on simping. You should watch it. Where guys do chores in return for sex. Wow! I thought I had heard it all. Marriage may have betaized you where your wife is losing attraction as compared to the guy you used to be when she met you. This is very common. Doing chores doesn't make you more sexually desirable.

Your focus on sex may be a big turn-off. She's not a prude. A woman's attraction level for her husband goes up and down like a stock whereas us guys tend to stay pretty even. Those other chicks may see you as an alpha. If you go with them, you better live up to their expectations and not let them down. 

In terms of your wife - based on the limited info - looks like you have to up the alpha side of things.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

manowar said:


> All the signs are there that her attraction level for you has dropped. A lot.
> 
> Why are you doing this. Rich cooper did a video on what i think he called chore play. His last video on simping. You should watch it. Where guys do chores in return for sex. Wow! I thought I had heard it all. Marriage may have betaized you where your wife is losing attraction as compared to the guy you used to be when she met you. This is very common. *Doing chores doesn't make you more sexually desirable.*
> 
> ...


But do be aware that _not_ doing your fair share of the work to maintain the household in which you live can make you sexually undesirable. 

Not contributing as an equal partner in housework eventually leads to her viewing you as a dependent she has to take care of - like an extra kid. Kids she has to take care of aren't sexy. 

So, continue to do your part. But also don't turn yourself into a domestic servant who does all the work, and certainly don't expect that doing a load of laundry or washing a sink full of dishes will be "paid for" with sex. A healthy balance of mutual effort is key.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, couples who are in love with one another typically have a good sex life. These couples also tend to spend at least 15 hours per week, alone together, doing fun date-like things. That means quality time doing fun stuff together, talking, being non-sexually affectionate and also sexually engaged. In other words, dating like they did when they first fell in love. It does not mean talking about diaper rash or the state of the college accounts while watching tv. So, if you two aren't doing that, then I'd say that's a good place to start. 

You and your wife might benefit from reading "Lovebusters" and "Fall In Love, Stay In Love" both by Willard Harley. The first will help you stop doing things that wear down love in your marriage. The second will help you figure out how to build and sustain love - and that includes a healthy sex life - in your marriage. If your wife isn't interested, then read them yourself and do the work they suggest. She may come around to join you in those efforts. If not, then you'll eventually have some decisions to make. But at least you will have cleaned up your own side of the street.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Why would you tolerate this kind of abuse from her. When she does the crap saying all you think about is sex. I would tell her well a man who is starving in his home, does tend to think about food. Especially when there are several others are offering to hand feed him tender loin.

6-7 weeks?! **** i would have to eject or tell her the marriage is going to have to be opened on your end as she has made it crystal clear she does not love you with her blatant rejection of you. 

You are too horny? BAHAHA! My wife is 52. We are intimate usually 5x week. If i skip a day and am not showing signs of initiating the 2nd day...she pounces on me like a fox on a mouse. Even when she has been passing a kidney stone she wants to! Says maybe it will jar it loose and get it on out of there. 😏


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

How's your emotional connection with your wife? Physical touch outside the bedroom? Emotional support to her? How was your sex life before the children? Once every 6/7 weeks is rather poor, even at my standards (was twice a month in our fifties). But as you can see from the comments above - and there is a specific thread about this - lots of couple have sex a lot more. Sexual relationships are complex and depend on so many different factors and having a good sex drive is a good starting point.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

So you say you have time in the evenings to spend together. How do you spend it? Do you two talk or watch TV and phones? Do you still date? Do you still romance her?
Do you know her love language? 

*How often do you initiate sex? * 
This can be a very important question. If you don't initiate you won't get sex. Some men tire of being turned down so they stop initiating that will always lead to less sex. On the other hand if you know daily isn't going to work for her then daily initiation is just hound dogging maybe.

How do you initiate sex? Most women abhor it is a man say you want to have sex. There needs to be some lead in. Some flirting or touching. And the touching needs to be frequent without the expectation of sex. It is just a familiar touch, a love touch. If you only put in effort when you want sex then it will seem like you only want her for sex which leads to it's own problems.

Most women at some point tell you what's wrong, many men just don't listen. If I had a dollar for every time I've read on here when people are in the middle of a divorce... "She used to say...." but I didn't think it was a big deal.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

RyanJ said:


> If I try to bring it up now, she just gets irritated and tells me that sex is all I'm about.


Next time she insinuates that, validate her and confirm that it is true. Tell her that you only want sex and you only want it with her because she is a wonderful person. Then ask her for help with working to make sexual intimacy something that you two can communicate about without judging each other or causing anxiety. Perhaps start by scheduling nonsexual intimacy such as back rubs and hugs done completely nude to allow yourselves to feel comforted by each other's touch and gradually work towards elevating that into touch that is pleasurable.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

What would happen if you only did the following every 6-7 weeks:

*Listened to her vent

*Squished spiders

*Told her she was pretty

*Asked her about her day

*Take her on a date

You get the picture.

You must accept that you are every bit as capable of choosing not to prioritize your spouse as she is.

Until you accept that, nothing will change.

When you do accept it, it gets worse before it gets better.

It isn't until she realizes you won't tolerate the intolerable that she will have sufficient motivation to do something about it. 

You can't change her on this, nor should you try. But you should provide the conditions for her to see that change is necessary, the space to actually change on her own, and the positive reinforcement when said change begins to occur. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> You can't change her on this, nor should you try. But you should provide the conditions for her to see that change is necessary, the space to actually change on her own, and the *positive reinforcement* when said change begins to occur.


I agree, but look at that from this dynamic that the OP mentioned:



> The issue is that *we have sex like every 6-7 weeks at best. And honestly, it's become very dull to me.*


Not only is sex infrequent, but the OP also claims that it is "dull." So if the OP's wife is struggling with an aversion, adding an unsatisfied spouse that thinks the resulting sex is also not any good compounds the problem with negative reinforcement. 

In my opinion those that are "young and fit" often overcompensate for vanity as a result of low self confidence. Many women as they age can be demoralized by gaining as little as five pounds and worry that a spouse will no longer find them attractive or desirable. If this is the case she will likely ask for privacy in the shower and try to avoid getting dressed in his presence. 

Assuming she is struggling with self confidence in that department, the OP needs to realize that allowing dull sex only adds insult to injury. At this moment it is his responsibility to make sex exciting when it happens. If that gives him performance anxiety, then he needs to man up and own that. If he needs her to take full responsibility for his arousal, pleasure and satisfaction, then he likely needs to hire a mistress and pay for that. His wife might possibly do that for him, but he would need to first inflate her ego to something the size of a merciful king kong.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Read this:* The Dead Bedroom Fix.*


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