# I hate my step kids



## mrsmariemac (Apr 8, 2013)

I have been married to my husband for 22 1/2 year. Before everyone jumps all over me, when my husband and I got married, his kids were not really a part of our life. His ex has full custody and she did everything possible to prevent him from seeing them or having anything to do with them (4 girls). We tried for 2 years to fight for his visitation to the point of bankruptcy but to no avail. So we moved on with our lives. And we had a good life. Then his ex moved back into the state and brought back 4 messed up kids who were angry, disrespectful and did everything they could to let him know they hated me and didn't want us together. Now they are all adults and I literally hate them. I don't want anything to do with them and last October my husband and I actually got to the point where we were ending our marriage and in December I filed for divorce. After the new year my husband convinced me that he truly loved me and wanted us to stay together, that we were much better together than apart and that we had come to far and gone through too much to throw it all away. I agree to give it another chance, but I would not stay in a marriage that included his children in it. I wanted no part of a life with them. They are mean, ugly (and I don't mean their looks) nasty, disrespectful, snotty, trashy, unclassy people, and I don't want that kind of people in my life. He is torn but I told him I loved him and I would understand if he wanted to choose them, and I wouldn't have any hard feelings. The problem is that I cannot get over all that has happened over the last 25 years and I will not be made to feel guilty about it. My husbands mother and his sisters all feel that is a package deal (I HATE THAT TERM!!!). No it is not. I know that life is not black and white and nothing is that simple. Sometimes things need to be worked out for the best interest of the people involved. We love each other and make each other incredibly happy when we are together. He is my soulmate and my best friend. Our children are grown and don't cause anywhere near this kind of drama between us. I have read a lot of other people's stories online about the same thing and just need to vent. Filing for divorce and feeling that I would be spending the rest of my life without this man that I love so much was heartbreaking. But I was willing to go through it all just to end all this drama and have some peace in my life. I need to have a peaceful life now, I am starting to have medical issues (high blood pressure, stress,migraines) and it is all because of these people and the hell that they cause). I know people will say I am being selfish, and maybe to a degree I am, but there are people all the time that have to choose who they will allow in their lives, and who they will not. My husbands ex filled these kids heads with all kinds of BS about him, me and our kids, and they have never been able to love him, or have a real relationship with us. They used to come over and tell him they were there to spend time with his wallet. It was all just so crazy. His guilt over the divorce never let him discipline them, and they ran all over him. I don't want to end our marriage, but I wont live like this anymore. This post may be all over the place, but it's hard to type this through all the tears. Thanks for the support.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

If they have come right out and stated they could care less about him (Spending time with his wallet) why does he want to have anything to do with them?


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

His ex did everything possible to make your H appear to be nothing more than a sperm donor. The house you live in is also YOUR house and if there are certain visitors that you don't want in YOUR house, your H should respect that. 

If he feels this need to reconnect with children who see him as a "wallet" and nothing more, then perhaps this one-sided relationship should occur outside YOUR home so you are free to nurse yourself to health, or a healthy balance at the very least.


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## mrsmariemac (Apr 8, 2013)

I think that he has guilt about the divorce. She is a terrible mother and he was the main caregiver before the divorce, but in our state the mother is the one that gets custody for the most part unless you can show abuse and even then it is very difficult, and she took the kids out and state and moved back home to WV. He was in the Navy then and couldn't just pick up and go after them. Plus there wasn't a lot of money to fight and like I said, after we got together (after she filed for but before the divorce was finalized, it took 2 years) he had to file for bankruptcy because she didn't pay for the things she was ordered to that were in his name like the house or the car and he had to pay a huge sum of child support and still try and support himself and pay his attorney to fight for visitation. It was such a nasty divorce and she made sure to accuse him of everything from domestic abuse which sent him to classes to child abuse and sexual abuse (all of which was DISproven by the child psychologists!) just to get holidays or to make sure he didn't see them on his scheduled days. She is a horrible person who still to this day is ALONE!!! He is a great dad to our kids, so I can see how he wants to be one to these kids too, but you can't make people be good people. I just wish he could admit that he can't make them be good kids just because he is their biological dad. They are her kids too, and she is a bad person and because she raised them they came out just like her.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

I don't think you are "selfish" to want to preserve your physical health and sanity not anymore than any of the rest of us have that need.

The kids are grown and sounds like they have evil intent for even wanting a relationship with him .Including sounds like delighting in being cruel.(the came to visit your wallet comment is low).I agree with the above poster that suggested if he wants to subject himself to that you should not be expected to and his relationship with them should be outside YOUR HOME and outside your presence at all.

Its really sad the mother brainwashed them but now they are adults that isn't an excuse for them to be permmitted to exact whatever revenge or punishment they believe you and he are due.


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## mrsmariemac (Apr 8, 2013)

whatslovegottodowithit? said:


> If he feels this need to reconnect with children who see him as a "wallet" and nothing more, then perhaps this one-sided relationship should occur outside YOUR home so you are free to nurse yourself to health, or a healthy balance at the very least.


The problem with this is that they want to make sure that they throw it in my face that they are with him and they want more and more of his time and I get less and less. They will call and text and call and text until I just get so angry I just walk out. We went away for a short 3 day vacation and they couldn't leave us alone the whole time we were gone. His phone was going off the whole time. They want there to be turmoil between us so that we are unhappy, that is what makes them happy. When we were separated in the fall and divorcing they were happy. They had dinner parties and stuff every weekend with him. And Christmas day they must have been in their glory, I was miserable and he spent the day with all of them. I was home crying my eyes out and he was gone all day. And it was the worst holiday of my life. I don't think he realizes that they are doing it intentionally but I know it. They say snide remarks to me when we are at family events and they do it when he is not in ear shot. I just don't want to do it anymore. Life is too short to be treated so poorly from such trashy people. And just because I love their father and their mother was the one who filed for divorce and threw him out. She has told them I stole their father and wrecked their family. I am tired of having to justify loving him!


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> I just wish he could admit that he can't make them be good kids just because he is their biological dad.


What he needs to admit is that he cant "undo" years and years of brainwashing and conditioning those now adult kids hold as "truth" just by trying to be there for them now.MAYBE if they had willing hearts /open minds with a lot of counseling they might could start to "see" the whole truth.But him being willing to be abused and "punished" probably just feeds into their belief system like hes getting what he "deserves".


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> They want there to be turmoil between us so that we are unhappy, that is what makes them happy.


In the Christian world that is known as "delighting in evil".


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Wow, your story brings me a few triggers. Your H's ex sounds like how my ex used to be but worse. I could only imagine how much pain and turmoil your husband goes through on a daily basis. He's totally torn and now there's another thing tearing him apart.

I'm sorry but I'm not going to jump on the bandwagon here. I'd say you need to divorce your husband because if he chose you, then he's gone down the path of the dark side and has given up on part of his life because of an ultimatum. How could you respect him as a father (of YOUR children) if he's willing to walk away from his older children. Talk about a catch 22.

I know you hate the "package deal" term but it's true. He came with baggage and if he's a good man, he's not going to drop the baggage because it's "inconvenient". You married a man with strife, not of his own doing except for marrying a psycho when he shouldn't have (my god that sounds familiar LOL). His daughters are EXACTLY the people who need a balanced person in their life. It might not be until their 50, but at some point, that influence does show up in their life.

I know it's not easy on you, trust me, I saw my my wife went through with my ex-wife issues early on. It was truly painful to me knowing that her choosing to be with me brought on so many headaches, but as HER mother aptly put it "Would you give up the love and the man he is in order to get rid of the stress?" Her answer was a resounding no. We tend to loose sight of the larger picture during moments of stress.

Is the removal of the stress and headaches associated with these problem 4 children a greater benefit to you than the marriage you have with your husband. If yes, then tell him you can't handle it anymore, it's not because you don't love him, but that you don't love him enough to deal with them any longer (I know that sounds mean, but it's TRUE). OR if the benefits you get out of this relationship outweigh the negatives, then go for counseling and figure out how to adjust your focus. You're putting so much energy focusing on the negative, that's a choice. Learn to be a duck and let it roll off your back.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

mrsmariemac said:


> The problem with this is that they want to make sure that they throw it in my face that they are with him and they want more and more of his time and I get less and less. They will call and text and call and text until I just get so angry I just walk out. We went away for a short 3 day vacation and they couldn't leave us alone the whole time we were gone. His phone was going off the whole time. They want there to be turmoil between us so that we are unhappy, that is what makes them happy. When we were separated in the fall and divorcing they were happy. They had dinner parties and stuff every weekend with him. And Christmas day they must have been in their glory, I was miserable and he spent the day with all of them. I was home crying my eyes out and he was gone all day. And it was the worst holiday of my life. I don't think he realizes that they are doing it intentionally but I know it. They say snide remarks to me when we are at family events and they do it when he is not in ear shot. I just don't want to do it anymore. Life is too short to be treated so poorly from such trashy people. And just because I love their father and their mother was the one who filed for divorce and threw him out. She has told them I stole their father and wrecked their family. I am tired of having to justify loving him!


This is where your Husband has failed. He needs to establish boundaries with them. They obviously love their father than for more than a wallet. Sorry but noone invests that much effort into someone just for money. In their minds (having been distorted by your H's ex[unt) they think in an ideal world their mom and dad would get back together. They grew up in a world of pain and need someone to blame, unfortunately you were made that person. I feel for you, your husband and his daughters to be honest. I can't stand people like your H's ex. She really has no clue how many lives she damaged (including the damage to her own kids).

I'm sorry for this pain your in, more than you could know, because I watched my own wife go through it. I couldn't even dream of being in that position.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

mrsmariemac said:


> The problem with this is that they want to make sure that they throw it in my face that they are with him and they want more and more of his time and I get less and less. They will call and text and call and text until I just get so angry I just walk out. We went away for a short 3 day vacation and they couldn't leave us alone the whole time we were gone. His phone was going off the whole time. They want there to be turmoil between us so that we are unhappy, that is what makes them happy. When we were separated in the fall and divorcing they were happy. They had dinner parties and stuff every weekend with him. And Christmas day they must have been in their glory, I was miserable and he spent the day with all of them. I was home crying my eyes out and he was gone all day. And it was the worst holiday of my life. I don't think he realizes that they are doing it intentionally but I know it. They say snide remarks to me when we are at family events and they do it when he is not in ear shot. I just don't want to do it anymore. Life is too short to be treated so poorly from such trashy people. And just because I love their father and their mother was the one who filed for divorce and threw him out. She has told them I stole their father and wrecked their family. I am tired of having to justify loving him!


Oh so you are the "main target".Like they "reward" him or will sort of validate him on the condition you arent in the picture anymore.Like how he can "make it all up to them".

Sorry your husband needs to man up and tell them you are his wife and if they want to be part of his life he is demanding they respect you .


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## mrsmariemac (Apr 8, 2013)

Dad&Hubby said:


> Wow, your story brings me a few triggers. Your H's ex sounds like how my ex used to be but worse. I could only imagine how much pain and turmoil your husband goes through on a daily basis. He's totally torn and now there's another thing tearing him apart.
> 
> I'm sorry but I'm not going to jump on the bandwagon here. I'd say you need to divorce your husband because if he chose you, then he's gone down the path of the dark side and has given up on part of his life because of an ultimatum. How could you respect him as a father (of YOUR children) if he's willing to walk away from his older children. Talk about a catch 22.
> 
> ...


Sorry to disagree, but I do. This is not his fault, but in life you only get one shot at it, and why don't we get a chance to be happy? And by the way, ever heard of "tough love"? These kids (all 30 years old and above!) are not going to change or go to counseling and don't want anything to do with our "family", they only want to hurt "us". And to put it another way. He choose me 25 years ago to be his wife, not a mother to his children, they have one, who has made this situation totally impossible. I can want a life with my husband and not a life with them in it. And he is a great father to our kids. It's not inconvenient it's impossible. And I didn't give him an ultimatum, I did file for divorce and he is the one who begged for us to stay married because he loves me and wants us to be together. I was willing to walk away, no matter how badly it was breaking my heart! Your situation may work for you, but it doesn't work for everyone. Life is not black and white. Don't judge.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

This sounds like a classic case of parental alienation syndrome. 

Read up on PAS a bit to gain an understanding of what has happened to these children, why the mother did it, and what it means to everyone involved. 

Having gone through this, I can say that you and hubby *can* be together and minimize their disruption of you make a conscious decision to work as a team. 

You would need to agree that your marriage is FIRST priority for both of you.

You would need him to uphold boundaries that protect the relationship while giving the kids a way to access him. One method might be to let them text anytime they want, but he won't answer until a certain time of day or that he won't answer when there are other events going on like dinnertime. You might ask him to stick to using social media between certain hours for their daily access to each other. 

You might have to set boundaries about how and when he spends time with them and how much he spends on them. Although they're nasty toward you, it's important to understand that their mother abused them horribly by cutting dad out of their lives and stripping them of their right to one of the most important relationships that they needed. 

They have to recover from that. As young adults, they are just now starting to re-establish that much-needed relationship, but their expectations are unrealistic and horribly distorted from years of conditioning by their mother. Your husband will have to be firm with them about the fact that he is happy now, that he has chosen you to be in his life, and that he fully expects them to be kind to you or he will limit his interactions with them. He needs to make it clear that YOU are part of a package deal, too.

As Dallas said: 




dallasapple said:


> Oh so you are the "main target".Like they "reward" him or will sort of validate him on the condition you arent in the picture anymore.Like how he can "make it all up to them".


They are doing what was done to them for so many years. They were rewarded for hating dad and that's how they knew their mom loved them was because of her neediness in this way. This is what has to be unlearned, and it's going to be up to Dad and/or counselors to help them re-learn this way of interacting.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> They grew up in a world of pain and need someone to blame, unfortunately you were made that person.


I agree but that is still no excuse to try and deliberately destroy a marriage and sounds like a good one too .What about their children together?They need to learn to start blaming the "right person".


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> I agree but that is still no excuse to try and deliberately destroy a marriage and sounds like a good one too .What about their children together?They need to learn to start blaming the "right person".


Where do you suppose that his kids will learn alternate ways of thinking after all this time? They're doing what they think of as a "normal" thing. 

But turning it back onto mom just does MORE damage. It's an attempt to strip them of another important relationship. 

This is not an easy problem, but if this couple can understand why it's happening and find ways to encourage the kids to challenge their own beliefs, it *can* succeed.


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

Sadly, my family are a bunch of passive-aggressive martyrs. My mother once told me to be kind to stupid animals. Where she fails with this advice is when it involves someone you love who fails to see they are being manipulated. At this point, I agree with previous poster that boundaries need to be redrawn or else. These children are grown adults. Normal adult relationship boundaries needed to be in place from the beginning. If his children urgently need something or its an emergency, that's one thing, but when their contact is designed to cause harm to YOUR marriage, D will be on your mind unless your H decides what relationship he wants most.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> They are doing what was done to them for so many years. They were rewarded for hating dad and that's how they knew their mom loved them was because of her neediness in this way. This is what has to be unlearned, and it's going to be up to Dad and/or counselors to help them re-learn this way of interacting.


Right how you affirm your love for someone (prove it) is by ridding/hating however you say it who they hate."In order to be loyal to me you have to "reject" this person.Actually "in and of itself" that isn't always wrong.If its for the right reasons.

He somehow needs to get across he has enough love for all of them.Which is maybe what they just don't "get".Like I can love my wife AND ya'll at the same time.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

mrsmariemac said:


> Sorry to disagree, but I do. This is not his fault, but in life you only get one shot at it, and why don't we get a chance to be happy? And by the way, ever heard of "tough love"? These kids (all 30 years old and above!) are not going to change or go to counseling and don't want anything to do with our "family", *they only want to hurt "us"*.
> No, they only want to stop hurting, and they blame you for the pain. It's 100% misguided, they need to look at their mom. I'm not trying to say his daughters are right or justified in their actions, they're not. But to not recognize that they are emotionally stunted in their growth is also misguided. This falls under the classis, "You knew I was a snake when you picked me up" situation.
> 
> And to put it another way. *He choose me 25 years ago to be his wife, not a mother to his children, they have one, who has made this situation totally impossible.*
> ...


I'm not judging. Judging would be me saying you're wrong for your choices (which ever direction you go). You're not wrong. I'm saying that you have to make a choice. And I'm trying to put perspective into it. I can COMPLETELY see why you would want to walk away from that much drama. I walked away from my parents for 3 years to get away from drama, I get it...I really do. I know I'm coming across as harsh, but I'm really just trying to give you some different perspective to make this type of decision with, because I know how big of an issue it is. I never speak lightly when it comes to parenting and divorce. 



dallasapple said:


> I agree but that is still no excuse to try and deliberately destroy a marriage and sounds like a good one too .What about their children together?They need to learn to start blaming the "right person".


I COMPLETELY agree. I'm sorry if I'm coming across as an apologist for his 4 daughters. That's not what I'm focused on. I'm focusing on MMM's side of the equation. His daughters sound like mean spiteful nasty women (won't say ladies). Who need a HARD kick in the a$$ by their father. (again this is where I see her H dropping the ball).

There's no reason all parties involved can't at least GET ALONG.

MMM, have you ever tried to have a sit down with each daughter alone?

MMM, on a different note, how 'empathic' have you been towards them, or do they start a hostile environment and you feed it?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

When he convinced you to come back, what did he say about his children? That he would cut back time or availability with them? Or did he make no promises there?

The problem is that you can't control what they do. Or his response to them. So that leaves you with two choices and neither of those choices are good.


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## mrsmariemac (Apr 8, 2013)

I don't think everyone is getting my point. After 25 years, I am no longer willing to have these people in my life. I have tried, been extremely patient, and have put up with more than my fair share of bulls*#t from them. I have reached my limit. I am done. I filed for divorce after a difficult separation from my husband over these kids and it was him who came to me and begged for us to work it out and stay together. I only agreed if we could be free from all this drama and not have anymore to do with them. I cannot take anymore of this turmoil and BS going on. It is making me physically ill and the stress is not any good for a woman my age, nor my husband. And we should be at a point in our marriage where we have fun in our lives. We should be able to go away for a long weekend and not have to be bothered by annoying calls and texts, we should be able to be loving and sexy with each other in our empty nest home without having uninvited guests stopping by just to bother us. We should be able to spend quiet nights alone just sitting with each other talking, laughing, joking or going out on date nights. We have paid our dues and I want those things with him!!!! And if I cannot have those things because of these kids then I cannot be in this marriage any longer. It is not a healthy relationship. I cannot have migraines day after day after day because of this stress. And obviously my husband doesn't want that either or he wouldn't have begged me to withdraw the divorce and for us to stay together. No one else knows what goes in a marriage but the two who are in it. No one should judge what two people decide to do. I came here to vent and get support. I guess I came to the wrong place.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> Where do you suppose that his kids will learn alternate ways of thinking after all this time? They're doing what they think of as a "normal" thing.
> 
> But turning it back onto mom just does MORE damage. It's an attempt to strip them of another important relationship.
> 
> This is not an easy problem, but if this couple can understand why it's happening and find ways to encourage the kids to challenge their own beliefs, it *can* succeed.


Just quoting because it's better than liking!

I was very lucky growing up. My father had remarried and his wife (my stepmom) was the MOST amazing woman. When she passed, the church couldn't hold enough people because she touched so many lives. Well needless to say, ALL I ever felt from her was love. For a few years I wanted to blame her for "taking my father away" (he moved 750 miles away when I was 6 and I saw them twice a year) but because of how she was with me, I couldn't. In fact, more than anyone else in my life, I think she had the most impact on me and how I feel about my family and children.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> Where do you suppose that his kids will learn alternate ways of thinking after all this time? They're doing what they think of as a "normal" thing.
> 
> But turning it back onto mom just does MORE damage. It's an attempt to strip them of another important relationship.
> 
> This is not an easy problem, but if this couple can understand why it's happening and find ways to encourage the kids to challenge their own beliefs, it *can* succeed.


Oh no I don't think its "easy".And they don't have to "turn" hatred onto their mom either.Its more about opening your eyes and seeing things for how they really were.And learning how to forgive.

My mother brain washed us.(me and my siblings) but not against her "ex" husband my father died when I was 4 and she re-married to my step father.(when I was 6).She trained us under the same ROOF that he was the "bad guy"(our step father while elevating our dead father into like a GOD status)..that he didnt love us not like our "real father did(who we could not see or touch or go to) etc...He was right there..never laid a hand on us.(unless our mother called us in to "defend /protect her" against him when they got in physical altercations.(when she attacked him).He supported us .(worked everyday all our lives).

I blame my mother for doing that.I don't hate her.But I blame her that we were trained to hate our step dad.Who is only real "fault" was that he was very passive.Its something that as an "adult" I had to "review" and "see" what was really going on.she denied us the opportunity to have a "father".And I know that.

Yes they need counseling.and I do have sympathy.But to me as an "adult" if you keep your head burried in the sand its more like "choosing" to be in denial rather than like when you are a small child and its the "only thing you know'..we had nothing else to go by as children .


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It's your husband's decision to have them in his life.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

mrsmariemac said:


> I don't think everyone is getting my point. After 25 years, I am no longer willing to have these people in my life. I have tried, been extremely patient, and have put up with more than my fair share of bulls*#t from them. I have reached my limit. I am done. I filed for divorce after a difficult separation from my husband over these kids and it was him who came to me and begged for us to work it out and stay together. I only agreed if we could be free from all this drama and not have anymore to do with them. I cannot take anymore of this turmoil and BS going on. It is making me physically ill and the stress is not any good for a woman my age, nor my husband. And we should be at a point in our marriage where we have fun in our lives. We should be able to go away for a long weekend and not have to be bothered by annoying calls and texts, we should be able to be loving and sexy with each other in our empty nest home without having uninvited guests stopping by just to bother us. We should be able to spend quiet nights alone just sitting with each other talking, laughing, joking or going out on date nights. We have paid our dues and I want those things with him!!!! And if I cannot have those things because of these kids then I cannot be in this marriage any longer. It is not a healthy relationship. I cannot have migraines day after day after day because of this stress. And obviously my husband doesn't want that either or he wouldn't have begged me to withdraw the divorce and for us to stay together. No one else knows what goes in a marriage but the two who are in it. No one should judge what two people decide to do. I came here to vent and get support. I guess I came to the wrong place.


Okay, I wholly support you divorcing your husband because he doesn't seem to want to divorce his daughters.

I understand your frustration and pain. I'm not saying this with any condescension or satire either. 

You know your choice and what both choices entail. Husband with kids or no husband and no more toxic daughters.

You may feel like I was judging you, I wasn't. I was trying to help by playing devils advocate and offering other perspectives even if they're not "comfortable" but I was (as was everyone else) trying to help.


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## mrsmariemac (Apr 8, 2013)

Ok let me clarify this for anyone not following. My husband has decided to not have HIS children in our lives because of their behavior. It is HIS decision and he knew what he was doing when he made the choice. Their actions and behaviors were part of the decision as well as how it affected us and our lives. 

I hope it is much clearer for everyone now.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

mrsmariemac said:


> Ok let me clarify this for anyone not following. My husband has decided to not have HIS children in our lives because of their behavior. It is HIS decision and he knew what he was doing when he made the choice. Their actions and behaviors were part of the decision as well as how it affected us and our lives.
> 
> I hope it is much clearer for everyone now.


Okay, sorry for this misperception on my part.

So why does he not block their calls etc. He seems to have chosen to not have them in his life but forgotten to tell them.


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

I think we all get your point (maybe more so now), but everybody here is trying to best advise the best they can. Sometimes posters come here and don't reveal all of their story. Other times, once questions are asked of the posters, a solution becomes apparent to some and they post replies.

Vent away, your situation sucks!! In fact, most people here aren't in the best of situations. If you read other forums/threads, you will see that many suggestions are given, but only some may be applicable. It is up to you to filter what applies, what may be worth doing, and what actions you will choose to take. I don't believe there is any ill will here.


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## mrsmariemac (Apr 8, 2013)

I am not saying there is. I feel that too many times in life, other judge and feel that their way is the right way, the best way. I just lost a friend during this time because I WOULDN'T go through with the divorce. I thought she was my friend and when my husband and I got back together she was angry and upset with me. I couldn't understand why she would want my marriage to break up and it was so sad that she would want to see my 22+ year marriage break up instead of us finding our way back to each other. It was unbelieveable. So I am sorry if I am a little short on patience here. I have had a bad experience with advice.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

mrsmariemac said:


> Ok let me clarify this for anyone not following. My husband has decided to not have HIS children in our lives because of their behavior. It is HIS decision and he knew what he was doing when he made the choice. Their actions and behaviors were part of the decision as well as how it affected us and our lives.
> 
> I hope it is much clearer for everyone now.


O.K I did not get that part.I was under the impression he was sort of still "torn" and was still in relationships with them.I apologize and retract the "man up" comment.


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

mrsmariemac said:


> So I am sorry if I am a little short on patience here. I have had a bad experience with advice.


No worries MMM, just remember that this is a pro-marriage site where most advice/suggestions will be to save the M. If you look at it from that perspective, the responses may not 'hurt' or 'insult' or whatever so much.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

It saddens me that these grown people (his kids) cannot escape their childhood mindset. By the time you hit your 30's, you can see what the world is about, you know right from wrong, good from bad. There is a good chance that they will never "grow up", even though they ARE grown up. Maybe by cutting them out, your husband will help them see things more clearly and they can stop acting like rotten, petulant children, and have a real relationship with him.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

mrsmariemac said:


> I am not saying there is. I feel that too many times in life, other judge and feel that their way is the right way, the best way. I just lost a friend during this time because I WOULDN'T go through with the divorce. I thought she was my friend and when my husband and I got back together she was angry and upset with me. I couldn't understand why she would want my marriage to break up and it was so sad that she would want to see my 22+ year marriage break up instead of us finding our way back to each other. It was unbelieveable. So I am sorry if I am a little short on patience here. I have had a bad experience with advice.


MMM, I'm truly sorry over your friends poor decision. If you look back on my posts, I've never advised you one way or the other.

One positive coming to a place like this is MOST of the people aren't invested in your decisions. Whichever way you go doesn't affect us one way or the other. But because we are invested in such a small way, we can also not hold back giving you full picture type conversations.

All I hope is whatever decision you make, it's the one that brings you the most long term happiness. It's definitely not easy though.


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## mrsmariemac (Apr 8, 2013)

I hope I have made my point that I am deeply madly crazy in love with my husband. We have had some difficult times in 25 years, 22 years married. We have had ups and downs and been through good times and bad. This last year was the first time in all those years that we have ever come to a place where we have considered ending our marriage. Even then, we were both still telling each other how much we loved each other. I was devastated at the thought of life without him. When I filed I never saw him so hurt as I did then. We were both hurting so badly. It was the lowest part of our marriage ever. I think it was a wake up call for both of us. What is really important to us! And we both agree it was our marriage. We want to be with each other. I know marriage is tough, we work on it all the time. I want to show my husband every day that I love and cherish him. And he does for me as well. It is a second marriage for both of us. I appreciate the site here to help with any help and advice offered. I read as much as I can about keeping my marriage strong. We take a lot of time and effort to make sure we have a strong marriage and especially now to make sure we repair what damage we may have done and make sure we both know we are each other's first priorities and so this site is another tool for me. Thanks again.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> It saddens me that these grown people (his kids) cannot escape their childhood mindset. By the time you hit your 30's, you can see what the world is about, you know right from wrong, good from bad. There is a good chance that they will never "grow up", even though they ARE grown up. Maybe by cutting them out, your husband will help them see things more clearly and they can stop acting like rotten, petulant children, and have a real relationship with him.


Totally agree..not to say I have "no sympathy"..but I was in my 20's when I realized not only was my step dad not evil...but for whatever reason my mother wanted us children to think that.And the it was HER not him that wanted us to believe we had no father.Then later in my 30's that I forgave her for it and that was without her admitting she even did what she did .(total denial).She describes their marriage as "they got in a few arguments" and we the children were just spoiled rotten and had everything in life.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> I hope I have made my point that I am deeply madly crazy in love with my husband.


I for one picked that part out immediately.It in a way (for me) makes it even more sick that the adult children would be made "happy" if they could tear you and your husband apart.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

[QUOTE I know marriage is tough, we work on it all the time. ][/QUOTE]

Yeah it is.Thats why it makes sense to "guard" it from people who are hell bent on doing what they can to sabotage it deliberately just for the sake of seeing it destroyed for their own personal gratification.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

mrsmariemac said:


> Ok let me clarify this for anyone not following. My husband has decided to not have HIS children in our lives because of their behavior. It is HIS decision and he knew what he was doing when he made the choice. Their actions and behaviors were part of the decision as well as how it affected us and our lives.
> 
> I hope it is much clearer for everyone now.


Well, I'm glad he made this choice, but I'm sad that you put him in the position of having to make an "all or nothing" choice. Maybe it was necessary, but I do understand. 

I've said before that after what my ex and I went through over his daughter, I'd choose to disengage and not go through it again, even if it meant divorce. 

I thought from your OP that you were straddling a fence and trying to decide whether to stick with your decision.

As it was, we did get through it by using the principles I laid out. We even got custody of her (she was not grown at the time). But the emotional cost and side effects proved more than I'd bargained for.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> I thought from your OP that you were straddling a fence and trying to decide whether to stick with your decision.


So did I.I think several others did as well.


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## MissMe (Feb 26, 2013)

These are grown adults that are interfering in your marriage. I'm surprised your husband is allowing these grown children to lead you both to the brink of divorce. 

These kids aren't 12. I don't understand this whole thing.


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## mrsmariemac (Apr 8, 2013)

Sorry. Like I said, it was tough getting it all out and straight through all the tears. It has been a tough 6 months. 

I did not put him in a position to have to choose. I was painfully walking away. He came to me and wanted this choice on his own. This is his choice. I was making the choice to end the marriage to save my own sanity and this is what he wants. I filed for divorce. Even though it was breaking my heart more than I can ever put into words, I was doing just that. How can you tell the man you love more than anything when he is standing before you, begging you, telling you that he wants to stay together, that "no that is not what you want", I love him and we have a great marriage, except that one piece. So this is where we have to make our stand.

I know it is not for everyone, but it is where we are for the sake of us. I know not everyone can understand. I don't understand how these adult women can't see that their mother has lied to them for all these years about why their marriage ended, why their father left their home, how we met, why he was allowed to see them, lies about him not paying child support, etc. Why they won't see how happy their father has been in our marriage. But for some reason, their brainwashing goes so deep that it cannot be undone with some serious counseling which they are unwilling to do. They like to play the victims, they like to play the blame game. I don't blame them for what happened during the divorce when they were just children, but as for what happened since they have become adults, yes those are actions I DO blame them for. I do blame their mother for messing with their heads for so long and for her own gain, to make them love her and hate him (she did a great job there) now they can't or won't see the truth. They will never truly have a loving relationship with their father, because it will always be them wanting him to make up for their lost childhoods. He can't make up for something he didn't do.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

I haven't read the other responses. I'm not judging. I can imagine how difficult this must be for you. I understand your wanting and needing a peaceful, healthy home life and how you would resent chilldren who bring chaos, disrespect, etc. No matter how ill behaved his children are or what poison they have been fed about you and their father do you think your husband truly loves them any less. Would you love your children any less....not try to rectify and rebuild a relationship regardless of the damage the other parent did?

Can you at all empathize with the pain his children experienced growing up without a father, believing they were not loved or wanted by him, having a mother who must be a complete wretch and how this has contributed to them becoming what the are? Could focusing more on this soften you toward them a bit? This mess is not his childrens fault. They are victims along with your husband. 

You say he is your soulmate and you love him dearly yet your asking him to cut off his children. Although I can understand the inclination to do so I just can't rectify that ultimatum in my head. Would you continue to respect him if he does? I don't think I would.

Would you consider letting him work on a relationship with them apart from you, keep you separate until or if he is able to make some headway with them. Its not going to be easy, won't happen overnight and will take much patience and work on his part but could you support him in that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mrsmariemac (Apr 8, 2013)

Again, I did not make him make this choice. I filed for divorce- he begged me to stay. 
Second. I have tried over the years to work with these kids, and I do sympathize with what they have gone through. If they were young adults, or teenagers I would agree with most of you about trying to work it out. These are 30+ year old women and should know better by now. They are not kids, not teenagers, not even young adults. These are ADULT women who have been out in the world on their own long enough to know better than to think this behavior is anything but acceptable.
He has tried for years to work on a relationship with them and it NEVER works out. Believe me we have tried for 25 years!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Why does he keep trying?

What did he say he would do about this situation when he begged you not to divorce?


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> I know it is not for everyone, but it is where we are for the sake of us. I know not everyone can understand.


I do because I wouldnt let mine and my husbands own mutually biological children be in our lives if their goal..what would make them happy was to NOT see us happy together but miserable apart.

That's just wrong.Its that simple.

When I was "little" I used to PRAY my parents would get a divorce.But thats because my mother frequently threatened it and we saw that as the "solution" for all of it to stop..But I was 7.And 9..and even 14..as an adult (they are still together) I'm happy they have each other.No matter how much they screwed us up.


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## mrsmariemac (Apr 8, 2013)

MissMe said:


> These are grown adults that are interfering in your marriage. I'm surprised your husband is allowing these grown children to lead you both to the brink of divorce.
> 
> These kids aren't 12. I don't understand this whole thing.





tacoma said:


> Why does he keep trying?
> 
> What did he say he would do about this situation when he begged you not to divorce?


I think he thought he could change them somehow, I don't know.

He said he would not have anything more to do with them. That they were being so toxic to our life that we couldn't do it anymore, and that "WE" were what was important and that he didn't want to lose me.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

mrsmariemac said:


> He said he would not have anything more to do with them. That they were being so toxic to our life that we couldn't do it anymore, and that "WE" were what was important and that he didn't want to lose me.


Regardless of the kids messed up attitudes I'm sure you understand what a sacrifice this is for him for you.
Don't ever forget it.

I think it's the only path he can take for both of you to keep sanity.

Good luck!!


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## mrsmariemac (Apr 8, 2013)

tacoma said:


> Regardless of the kids messed up attitudes I'm sure you understand what a sacrifice this is for him for you.
> Don't ever forget it.
> 
> I think it's the only path he can take for both of you to keep sanity.
> ...


I do and appreciate the sacrifice, just as I was willing to do. That is why the pain is still so raw. I feel that I have just been through the ringer which is why I feel that I needed to vent. I don't want to vent to him, I know he probably doesn't want to discuss it and I need to be able to vent how horribly all of this made me feel that we came so close to divorce and all. I wish it didn't come to this point but each situation is different and everyone has to do what is best for them. I know that we both felt over the years we hoped it would have worked out differently, but time and age (certainly not maturity) did not help the situation any. I can only appreciate the fact that our children are able to see that their parents are able to work through the difficulties in their marriage and make it work.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

mrsmariemac said:


> I do and appreciate the sacrifice, just as I was willing to do. That is why the pain is still so raw. I feel that I have just been through the ringer which is why I feel that I needed to vent. I don't want to vent to him, I know he probably doesn't want to discuss it and I need to be able to vent how horribly all of this made me feel that we came so close to divorce and all. I wish it didn't come to this point but each situation is different and everyone has to do what is best for them. I know that we both felt over the years we hoped it would have worked out differently, but time and age (certainly not maturity) did not help the situation any. I can only appreciate the fact that our children are able to see that their parents are able to work through the difficulties in their marriage and make it work.


You weathered this storm and you just only wish that it could have "turned out" differrently ?

Don't "feel guilty" for threatening divorce.You are a human.


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## mrsmariemac (Apr 8, 2013)

dallasapple said:


> You weathered this storm and you just only wish that it could have "turned out" differrently ?
> 
> Don't "feel guilty" for threatening divorce.You are a human.


I only mean that if things were perfect we all would have been able to get along "Brady Bunch" like. But it didn't work out like that. I am not heartless and know that this is not the perfect solution. 

I don't feel guilty. I feel relieved that we were able to save our marriage, which is the most important thing to me. I love my husband, he is my life partner. We made a vow to stay together for life. Our children are grown and on their own and we are left to live our lives now. I am just saying, it's a shame that one woman (his ex) could wreck so many lives, and seemingly not care. Afterall, these are her kids too. 

One thing I should say, over the years she has told them that is they have relationships with their father she will cut them out of her life. She has forced them to choose either her or him. I did not make him choose, I walked away to save myself, he made the choice to save our marriage.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

mrsmariemac said:


> Again, I did not make him make this choice. I filed for divorce- he begged me to stay.
> Second. I have tried over the years to work with these kids, and I do sympathize with what they have gone through. If they were young adults, or teenagers I would agree with most of you about trying to work it out. These are 30+ year old women and should know better by now. They are not kids, not teenagers, not even young adults. These are ADULT women who have been out in the world on their own long enough to know better than to think this behavior is anything but acceptable.
> He has tried for years to work on a relationship with them and it NEVER works out. Believe me we have tried for 25 years!


Wow... I also missed their ages. 

I understand what that hard choice may be like. I'm going through something similar this week, though not as intensely. My s/daughter moved out in Nov to her mom's - a woman who literally never bothered to make a phone call to this child in 11 years - and now she's having to work unbelievable hours and pay her mom's bills! My husband has asked her to move back a number of times, but she's about to turn 18, and she has the freedom to get high and drunk at her mom's, which would never be allowed here. 

She's now saying she moved because she doesn't like me and that he "chose" me over her - which is pretty far from the truth but it is the way she justifies things she has done lately. 

The reason she doesn't like me? Because I talk to her like a counselor. The way I talk to her is pretty much the way I talk to my friends, acquaintances, and even on here, but if I ask "How was school today?" I'm offending her now, apparently.

She's going to be here in a few minutes because her dad asked her to come talk to him this afternoon. He's planning to ask her to move back so she can focus on school her last year. I'm sure she'll say no, but during her last visit, she basically said she has always disliked me, and she waited until her dad was gone to lay into me and attack. When he asked me what I would do if she moved back, I said I will move to one of my other houses until she's out on her own. 

As much as I love my marriage, I am not about to volunteer to be treated badly.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> The reason she doesn't like me? Because I talk to her like a counselor. The way I talk to her is pretty much the way I talk to my friends, acquaintances, and even on here, but if I ask "How was school today?" I'm offending her now, apparently.


She feels guilty about something.My 17 yo sons new GF says I "analyze her". Because I say "how are things going".Same way just like you I talk to anyone I know and or care about.Apparrently just talking about something other than the "weather" is offensive.

I totally get that.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

I guess its difficult to say what "should" be done without having walked in either of your shoes. What a horrendous situation to deal with. I know you didn't ask him directly to make the choice but you did indirectly when you filed for a divorce. Do you think your husband would have given up on them at some point even if you hadn't? How do you think he is going to handle the pain of it? Your kids are always your kids no matter how grown they are. What if they contact him or want to see him....what will it do to him to have to say no for fear of losing you and do you fear that even though he made this choice he may some day resent you for it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mrsmariemac (Apr 8, 2013)

Guilt is a funny thing, you have to feel badly about something to feel bad. I feel that I have tried many times over the years, as has my husband to try and make it work. I am not going to feel guilty for finally trying to have a happy fulfilled life and marriage with my husband. I think I will go out of my way to make him happy. Only time will tell if I succeed!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

mrsmariemac said:


> Guilt is a funny thing, you have to feel badly about something to feel bad. I feel that I have tried many times over the years, as has my husband to try and make it work. I am not going to feel guilty for finally trying to have a happy fulfilled life and marriage with my husband. I think I will go out of my way to make him happy. Only time will tell if I succeed!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I hope you don't think I am trying to make you feel guilty. Its not my intention. You and your husband have every right to a happy and fullfilled life and marriage. I guess I am just puttng myself in your husbands shoes fully realizing I truly can't as I haven't experienced what he has yet wondering about his ability to do so given this choice. I do hope you succeed. I'm not being sarcastic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mrsmariemac said:


> They say snide remarks to me when we are at family events and they do it when he is not in ear shot. I just don't want to do it anymore. Life is too short to be treated so poorly from such trashy people.


If the children are saying mean/hurtful things to you when he cannot hear it, this is easy to fix. Get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on your person when you are around these darlings. Just make sure they do not know you have it. Later, you can play their comments to their father.


mrsmariemac said:


> And just because I love their father and their mother was the one who filed for divorce and threw him out. She has told them I stole their father and wrecked their family. I am tired of having to justify loving him!


At what point did you meet your husband? When did you start to date him and later marry him?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

mrsmariemac said:


> Guilt is a funny thing, you have to feel badly about something to feel bad. I feel that I have tried many times over the years, as has my husband to try and make it work. I am not going to feel guilty for finally trying to have a happy fulfilled life and marriage with my husband. I think I will go out of my way to make him happy. Only time will tell if I succeed!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Personally, I think guilt is pretty unproductive. If you don't feel good about what you did, make amends. Guilt dwells and lacks action. It does not help anyone.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

I think you are so stuck and focused on the negative feelings you have on your husbands children that it completely overrides the deep love you say you have for your husband. I understand how they reek havoc on your life and happiness but how much are you really loving and honoring him if you go through with this. He obviously loves you but you can't ever fill that hole. I know you have to love and honor yourself as well, I understand that. I just don't understand why this is an all or nothing scenario. Can you really be happy if he is not or do you really believe and maybe he will be ok with this? If he is willing to give up his daughters for you I'm sure he would work with you on boundaries to create that would bring you some peace. You think this is a quick fix and you will be done with it and them. I don't believe that's so.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

inarut said:


> I understand how they reek havoc on your life and happiness but how much are you really loving and honoring him if you go through with this.


I don't think you really do understand.

The question that matters is how much is he loving and honoring her by allowing her to be disrespected and abused in her own home by his own children?

Or

How much of herself does she want to sacrifice for an ideal that will never be in a impossible attempt to try to make him happy?


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

tacoma said:


> I don't think you really do understand.
> 
> The question that matters is how much is he loving and honoring her by allowing her to be disrespected and abused in her own home by his own children?
> 
> ...


I think he can love and honor her with proper boundaries in place. He shouldn't allow it.... I love you and want you in my life but you will not do this in my home....you won't treat my wife (or me) this way....etc. His daughters are testing him and and in their minds they are competing with her for his love. They may be vicious and disrespectful but they want a relationship with him. Maybe it will never be and it won't work out but how can you not give it your all? Why all or nothing?
_Posted via Mobile Device_

Edit: maybe they have tried this already and it failed. I don't know, maybe it is an impossible attempt. Its just so very sad.


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## luv2luv (Mar 28, 2013)

This isn't a judgment on you, these girls are not your kids so of course you do not care about their well being. You cannot forgive them for being damaged and lashing out. They are not your burden to bear or handle. 

However I truly feel sorry for these girls. Your husband has failed them, their mother has failed them and they are broken because of it. You say your husband tried to get custody, failed, and moved on. He was happy without them in his life, he doesn't need them while they probably needed him all those years. At the same time their mother was poisoning their mind and soul. Now in their adulthood, no matter how screwed up they are trying to have a relationship with him. In your own words they risk upsetting their mother for this. Yet once again your husband is giving up them. He will cut them out of his life because you matter more. Which is wonderful for you and your marriage but really crappy for his daughters. He will once again give up on them. Instead of fighting for them, and trying to find a solution he will give up.

You haven't done anything wrong, you are looking out for número uno which is cool; however what's sad is that even their sane parent doesn't care enough to fight for them. Hopefully these girls find some peace, it will be difficult to know the reality of how little you matter in both your parents' lives.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

luv2luv said:


> This isn't a judgment on you, these girls are not your kids so of course you do not care about their well being. You cannot forgive them for being damaged and lashing out. They are not your burden to bear or handle.
> 
> However I truly feel sorry for these girls. Your husband has failed them, their mother has failed them and they are broken because of it. You say your husband tried to get custody, failed, and moved on. He was happy without them in his life, he doesn't need them while they probably needed him all those years. At the same time their mother was poisoning their mind and soul. Now in their adulthood, no matter how screwed up they are trying to have a relationship with him. In your own words they risk upsetting their mother for this. Yet once again your husband is giving up them. He will cut them out of his life because you matter more. Which is wonderful for you and your marriage but really crappy for his daughters. He will once again give up on them. Instead of fighting for them, and trying to find a solution he will give up.
> 
> ...



This was a pretty low blow. Yes, these kids have been dealt a sh!tty card in their life, but it was their MOTHER who took them away from their father and spent their lives poisoning them against him. Now that they are MORE than grown adults, they are capable of forming their own opinions, and their own relationship with their dad. OR with their mother, for that matter. If I were one of these kids, I would likely let my mother remove herself from my life so I could form a relationship with my dad. Because HELLO, at 30 plus years old you can see the writing on the wall, and live your life on your own terms! Alienating mother should be the one they have turned against. I think her husband would have come to this resolution on his own, in his own time, because he knows that he does not deserve this treatment from these women, and I commend MMM for helping him with those boundaries.


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## mrsmariemac (Apr 8, 2013)

My husband did not fail them! He did everything in his power to try for 25+ years! And he just didn't walk away at the first moment things got difficult! The toxicity and turmoil has been going on for soooo many years! At what point is enough enough? Would you tell a woman who was in an abusive relationship for 25 years to just keep trying to fix it when there is just no hope it will ever get better? These are not kids but ( and let me say this once again!) 30+ year old WOMEN who at this point in their lives should know right from wrong, and choose to continue to behave like spoiled brats! If they really wanted to have a relationship with their father they could ration the fact they need to be respectful the HIS WIFE! It has been a journey thru hell to be where we are and I wouldn't wish this upon my enemy ( no even the ex!) because it was years and years and years of tears, and turmoil and sometimes my husband not even knowing where his kids were. I believe that we have earned the right to finally start living our life together and stop worrying about them. They're not children anymore, they should know better, they probably do. I have to start to think about my happiness and what time we have left together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

One of my brothers had has a daughter with a vindictive ex. The daughter is in her 30's now. When she was growing up, her mother filled her head with trash about her father, my brother. He did have pretty frequent visitation. But her mother made hating her father and step-mother a condition of motherly love. 

Once his daughter was out of high school, my brother sat her down and handed her several folders containing divorce papers, police reports about domestic violence (with a knife) by the mother, cancelled checks for all the child support the mother claimed she never got. and so forth.

He told his daughter to read the files and make up her own mind.

He and his daughter now have a good relationship. The relationship between this daughter and her mother now reflects that the daughter now knows how much her mother lied to her and tried to get her to hate her father as a form of manipulative revenge. The mother-daughter relationship is not a bad one. But his daughter can now stand up to her mother and call her out when she crosses the line. 

Some would think he was wrong to have saved all the evidence and giving it to his daughter. But when I look at the strength it gave his daughter to stand up to her mother it was a good thing. And when I look at the repair that has happened in the relationship between my brother and his daughter, I'm convinced it was a very good thing.


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## mrsmariemac (Apr 8, 2013)

Elegirl- we've done all that too. They've read the whole divorce file as well as his paycheck stubs showing his child support that he DID pay, when she had them convinced his was a deadbeat dad!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mrsmariemac,

I have a lot of experience with step kids and vindictive ex's. One thing I do know is that it's very hard for person to turn their back on their children. This is true even in a situation that is as hard as the one you have been dealing with.

How is your husband handling this decision of his to end his relationship with his children? How long ago did he make this decision?

I ask because it can put a person into a very strong state of grief. It can be about the same level of grief as though the children all died. 


I really would not be surprised if he started to have contact with them and tried to hide it from you. It's better to be prepared for this then to just assume he can just turn his back on them. Yes, I hear you saying that they are monsters, etc. But they are his children. 

I keep trying to cut out my step children who I raised from age 10. They are in their 20's. They are into things that I do not accept, illegal drug us for one. But it rips me up inside to have to do this. It makes me feel physically ill.

I would be surprised if your husband is not suffering similar feelings.


Have the two of you considered counseling to handle this? I really think that it could end up seriously hurting your marriage if you two are not very proactive in seeking out help.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mrsmariemac said:


> Elegirl- we've done all that too. They've read the whole divorce file as well as his paycheck stubs showing his child support that he DID pay, when she had them convinced his was a deadbeat dad!


Good. Then at least on some level they know the truth. That's all you can do.


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## mrsmariemac (Apr 8, 2013)

I am not saying this was not difficult, it was, but it was something he came to after many many years. I am sure he is sad at times, but you get to a point where you want some level of peace. He is very open with things and since I have access to the cell phone and email he knows that I would know if he did contact them. He tells me when they try to contact them and I don't hold that against him, he can't control that. We have done counseling when we got back together and it was somewhat helpful, but what is more helpful is that we talk talk talk to each other about our feelings, sharing how we feel is the best way to know where we stand with each other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

mrsmariemac said:


> Ok let me clarify this for anyone not following. My husband has decided to not have HIS children in our lives because of their behavior. It is HIS decision and he knew what he was doing when he made the choice. Their actions and behaviors were part of the decision as well as how it affected us and our lives.
> 
> I hope it is much clearer for everyone now.



I think you are confusing a lot of people here because you came into the forum with this problem, but now you are saying it's no longer a problem.

So you weren't asking for advice, you were only here to vent? Nothing wrong with that, but that's not the way most people understood your thread.

One thing I thought was missing in this thread at the beginning. You didn't really explain what these kids do that is so horrible. You mention they made snide remarks about you at family events. Was that all? You said they were _"mean, ugly, nasty, disrespectful, snotty, trashy, unclassy people",_ but in what ways? And what did your husband do to attempt to set up boundaries with them? 

The question is important because most parents would never agree to cut off their relationship with their own children except in the most extraordinary circumstances.


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## mrsmariemac (Apr 8, 2013)

It would take up so much time to go thru all the things they have done over 25 years, and honestly I don't like rehashing all the hateful crap they have done to me. All I am going to say is that again. I was willing after all the time together with my husband, and as much in love with him as I am, to walk away from my marriage, for my health and sanity, and it was him who came to me, in honestly a very touching and emotional moment for both of us and we decided that being together for us was more important to us than anything else and these ADULT kids were NEVER going to change and he was never going to be able to make amends to them for their perceived injuries. We did not just wake up one day and decide that things were just not fun anymore.... this was decade of turmoil and with now women who were unwilling or unable to abide by any boundaries or rules. I feel for anyone who is in a situation even close to what I have been through for the last quarter century like I have, but you only get one shot at life and I think that when it is all over, I would hate to have lived it all unhappy. Sorry if that makes me selfish. I am a good person, work hard for my family, give lots of time to my community, and love my husband like crazy!!!


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