# Question about EA....



## Beninyourshoes (Jul 31, 2009)

The whole emotional affair thing is sometimes confusing to me. Just curious what most of you out there think. When I found out that my wife was interested in another guy she works with, it pretty much crushed my world. When questioning her about the whole thing, she first denied everything until I laid out a few questions that let her know I was on to something and made the statement that "Hey, no problem, I will just show up at your work and find out what is going on". Her knowing that I would not have any problem doing this, confessed that she was "Planing to have an affair" but didn't because the guy was married and turned her down because he had already been down that road and didn't want to go back. Her opinion is that she didn't have an affair because intercourse was not involved. The counselor said it is still an affair mentally which is just as damaging. 

Now here is MY problem. I have always been a little non-trusting with ANYONE. Or maybe a little suspicious you could say, I tend to analyze everything too much. My wife is pretty hot and I for some reason in my mind still want to believe that something more happened than just the planning stage of the affair. I know that I would not cheat and never have but I have to wonder in my mind if the guy really turned her down. My wife is not a social person and is not real out spoken. Knowing this, I know it would have taken a lot of nerve for her to ask another man to have sex with her if she didn't think he would be interested. I would think there would need to be some sort of indication on both parts that would lead you to believe that some guy would be willing to cheat on his wife and family in order to have casual sex with her. 

Am I over thinking all of this or am I feeling this for a reason. 

I really don't think she would want to tell me some other guy has been on my playground because I would probably not handle it very well. I have to believe she told me the bare minimum because I was on to something but minimize the damage by saying it never went anywhere.

My gut feeling is the one problem I have that keeps me from closure. I have no reason to believe anything has happened since, but there is still this nagging feeling.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

You were hurt by her even thinking about him. EA cause equal to if not more pain than physical affairs. Don't feel guilty because you were hurt. You were hurt, betrayed, and you deserve to feel better. It is not ok for a relationship to be taken advantage of. Even the concept that she was "planning" on having it - is very very painful - and your trust in her might start all over again at square one. You are not crazy. Accept what you are feeling. See a counselor. I'm sorry you are going through this. It really really sucks.


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## FLgirl (Nov 7, 2009)

The truth is that you'll probably never really know if you have the whole story. You'll have to come to terms with that and accept it. Unfortunately your trust was broken and you may forgive, but you'll never forget. I think that at some point you'll need to make a decision to stay with your wife and make the marriage work. If that is your decision you'll also have to DECIDE to trust her again. This will take a lot of time, but I'm not sure you'll ever FEEL total trust again. But ultimately if you decide to stay with her, you can't expect her to live with a warden instead of a husband. I think after any kind of affair, trust becomes actions you consciously decide on, instead of a feeling. Sadly, you may never feel trust for her the same way again.


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## citygrl (Dec 8, 2009)

My husband denied it too and got angry when I confronted him. I too think I caught them before anything happened, he actually told me that it was good I found out because it probably would have ended badly. 

Although I think I have dragged all the details out from my husband, I too have the nagging feeling there is something that he is not telling me, I don't know if that is valid or just my imagination going wild. 

I too keep questioning why my husband was just "talking" to this other woman and have trouble believing that "nothing" happened. 

Good luck!


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## citygrl (Dec 8, 2009)

Dear FLgirl,

You make alot of sense, I have not reached that point yet where I feel I have decided to forgive, but I am almost there! Thanks, this is good therapy reading and seeing what others have gone through and that you are not alone.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

First, I too have that feeling that there is more - and I know I will probably never know. It don't 'accept' it as being = ok. Its just what I have in my life now. 

Second, in terms of forgiveness, this is how I see it. 
There is a Native American belief that no piece of artwork can be perfect. If its perfect it traps the spirit inside the artwork. So, every piece of artwork is created to include a flaw, some imperfection, thus allowing the spirit to be free and beautiful. It is my belief that what has happened to my otherwise 'perfect' life (a few stresses here and there of course!) is that a flaw has been introduced. It is now part of my fabric. Its just the way it is now. Whether I'm remain married to him or leave him, its still there. You know?


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## FLgirl (Nov 7, 2009)

citygrl said:


> Dear FLgirl,
> 
> You make a lot of sense, I have not reached that point yet where I feel I have decided to forgive, but I am almost there! Thanks, this is good therapy reading and seeing what others have gone through and that you are not alone.


thanks citygrl, but you know how it is... right now I have "decided" to trust him because I really feel like I have no choice. hopefully if I keep ACTING like I have trust the feeling will follow. It is hard to live like this when I really do not know the truth. denial denial denial, that is all I have. I just don't have any other information to go on.


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## Beninyourshoes (Jul 31, 2009)

The killer for me is the lack of trust. I wake up and its a new day and I tell myself that I am going to put this behind me now. The problem is something always triggers me to thinking. Tiger Woods, Governors, Senators, Neighbors, you name it, it seems like the whole country has gone stupid all of a sudden. There is a major lack of morality in the world these days. I love my wife with all of my heart and I can't imagine living without her but at the same time I can't imagine living the rest of my life in doubt. I suggested a divorce and she is going to throw the VOWS into the conversation saying "Oh, what happened to better or worse, richer and poorer,........" , I am like "What", my vows are in tact, your the one that needs to take a look at yourself". It's kind of like she is in denial about what she has done. I really get pissed off when we are together and the news media brings up some new affair about a couple and She will be the first to chime in with "What's wrong with these people?", I am like : " I don't know, why don't you tell me." I hate to be negative all the time and I would like to think that she has seen the error in her ways but it seems a little Hypocritical to me. I just keep thinking about what would life be like with someone else. I guess it could always be worse.

I am just rambling now and I am sorry. December is a bad month for me. December for me is nothing more than a memory of one of the greatest vacations my family and I have been on and for those memories to be over shadowed by finding out upon getting home that your wife has been having an affair and was probably thinking about the other guy the whole time. How can someone do this and still come home everyday and ruin lives and families? Why should I have to pay the rest of my life for HER sins? Why should I have to choose between seeing my children on visitation day-vs-getting to raise my children. I have already lost one son because of this. Right after it happened I was depressed and really in a funk, no one knows about the affair because we (I) didn't want to have to deal with the embarrassment and I drove my son away from me because I was angry with the world. I tell myself that one day I would like to tell him I am sorry and explain why I was so angry all those years but the other side of me doesn't want to talk bad about the children's mother. I guess I will always look like the bad guy. Another reason to not read a book by its cover.


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## Beninyourshoes (Jul 31, 2009)

Well, my world came crashing down on me again. I came home tonight and the wife gave me a little go to hell look and after some discussion I got it out of her. She did sleep with the guy. It amazes me how one hour in a motel justifies ruining 23yr of marriage and ruin your families lives. Two little kids at home that I adore. My question for all you cheaters out there is "WHY"?

I called the SOB on the phone and talked to his wife. She is very understanding lady. God forgives everything and Satin works in many ways I was told. This is not the first time he has slept with a married women I was told. After talking to him I packed my sh*t, had W explain why Daddy was leaving and left. Any Christians out there, I could use a few prayers right now. I feel pretty low.

Thanks


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## excuseme (Dec 1, 2009)

The first thing you have to do is ask yourself what do want in your relationship with anyone you Love. Then you have to really look @ that person and determine if they are capable of Loving you the want you "want" to be Loved. Most women cheat for various reasons which are different for men. The cheating may truly not be about you. Let me ask you this. Lets say your wife was diabetic and knew that sugar could kill her and you found out she has secretly been eating sweets. Would you leave her. You say NO because you think that behavior does not directly impact you. Yes it does, it is an act of indulgence which she has chosen over life. I dont know if you have gone through divorce counseling, for your sanity and so that you do take trust issues into other relationships. I would encourage you to do this.
Another note I must address you were wrong for telling the wife of the other man. That couple did not make a commitment to you, your wife did. Your pain to that wife was wrong and vengeful. It did not come from a Loving heart it came from a broken Spirit. This was wrong. You must not think that knowing all that happened was going to please your curiosity. You still wont understand why.The reason will hurt no matter what. The healing it what takes time. Pray and listen. Be understanding and strong. The reason is not to hurt you because she lost you.


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## Beninyourshoes (Jul 31, 2009)

excuseme said:


> I must address you were wrong for telling the wife of the other man. That couple did not make a commitment to you, your wife did. Your pain to that wife was wrong and vengeful. It did not come from a Loving heart it came from a broken Spirit. This was wrong. You must not think that knowing all that happened was going to please your curiosity. You still wont understand why.The reason will hurt no matter what. The healing it what takes time. Pray and listen. Be understanding and strong. The reason is not to hurt you because she lost you.



Oh, after the fact, now I can look back and say I wanted him to go through hell. His wife and I have been having some pretty good conversation. She really seems like a wonderful lady. At the same time, I feel like I would want to know rather than assuming that everything is well when it is not. If this man continues his trend and is not stopped, how many other lives have to be ruined. 

My wife got caught up in the temptations of going out with the girls and having fun, feeling sorry for herself because coming home doing laundry, homework, cleaning the house, just didn't seem as much fun as the other divorced parting women were having. I was working 80/90 hrs a week and she just didn't have much help. After counseling I found out that I was working too much, I changed jobs making less money and working less hours and having more time to be a Dad and a husband. I just wish she had come clean and told me everything rather than trying to not hurt me any further than I was. I guess in her mind she was trying to do damage control. She is glad it is over now and everything is out on the table. She said living with that lie has been difficult but she screwed up and deserves what ever punishment God puts on her. My wife was glad I called her because she was able to ask the other lady for her forgiveness and she said she understood if she could not. She just didn't want to go through life without at least having the chance to say she was sorry for the hurt that she contributed to.

As far as the other guy, Here is a real piece of Sh*t. This is a guy that married his wife with nothing other than a high school diploma. She worked hard and put him through Med school for 12 yrs and paid all the bills. At some point he was in an accident and was in a body cast for 8 months and only had a hole in the front and back to use the bathroom. She cleaned him and wiped his butt for 8 months while he was recovering and unable to take care of himself and this is the way he repays her. He had another affair and had the women convinced that they would be together, so the women goes and gives up custody of her children so they can have a life together. He ended up leaving this women in a mess also.

So if you ask me, "NO, I DO NOT FEEL SORRY FOR HIM, THIS WONDERFULL WOMEN NEEDS TO GET RID OF HIM BEFORE HE PUTS HER THROUGH HELL AGAIN".

Right now we are trying to work through this all over again. She has been faithful every since. I keep asking myself what I should do. I keep telling myself that if God can send his only son to die on the cross to forgive me of my sins, who am I to say that I can not forgive my wife for making a bad decision 8 yrs ago. She is truly remorseful and understands that there will never be a next time. I will use the get out of jail free card and divorce her. The hurt is still there and I expect it to be there for some time but it still doesn't change the fact that I love her.


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## duckman (Sep 15, 2009)

Beninyourshoes...
Unfortunately, I have been where you are, to an extent. And I've got to call it like I see it. I think by and large most EA's are simply unproven PA's. My wife was "caught" up in cell phone calls...I acted before I thought and 'researched' the situation. Since, my wife states that they were merely friends and I can not prove otherwise. I have 2 sweet daughters and I have many reasons to stay. However, it certainly would not suprise me if a PA did occur. The pain and freakin roller coaster of emotions you go on seems to never stop. I have not tried the therapy route because I really think it just is a trust issue. That being said, your not alone Cuz....Hang in there....I'll send one up to the Big Guy for ya!:smthumbup:


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Ouch duck. I like/hate that: "EA's are simply unproven PA's." Damn, that's good. And awful. That is a great great great way to put it. And exactly how I feel about my situation. Unproven PA's.


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## Beninyourshoes (Jul 31, 2009)

Duckman,

there is definitely some merit to what you just said. My wife was definitely remorseful and lied to me about the EA ='s PA because she didn't want to see me torchered any further. She thought if she lied about it, things would be easier to explain. The problem with that theory is, it makes it harder to trust because now we have a double whammy.

Just curious what the thoughts are out there about polygraph test. I have checked on them and for $750 I can have one performed and maybe make sure we are still trying not to hurt me anymore. It's almost like the cheater thinks one time is easier to swallow than multiple times. Now fortunately I don't believe I have multiple problems but sometimes we miss clues because we just don't want to know. I have forgiven her, now I want to make sure the slate is clean and start to work on trust again.


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## duckman (Sep 15, 2009)

Gotta say...hearing your deal is sort of like looking in the mirror for me. I thought about the polygraph test, but never acted on it. Our relationship was symptomatic of infidelity. All the signs....lack of compassion, going through the motions, emotional detachment. I guess when you peel away all the layers of what was going on, I felt like that if I pursued any form of surveillence (not sure about the spelling on that one) that in a way, our marriage was already lost. I guess you can say, I really did not want to know what I would find... I kept trying to open up dialogue on our problems, only to face brick wall after brick wall. I then started to focus on my kids and being the best Dad I could. The problem is, kids are very perceptive and can tell something is up, even when it is not verbalized. They know when there is 'no love' in the home. When I finally did find several calls / txts on her cell, it was kinda like connecting the dots. I responded with anger immediately and acted before I thought. My best advice for anyone going through this is to not have a 'knee-jerk' reaction to something you find. Continue your life normally if you can. Try to research, hire someone, do GPS....anything you can think of but do not put your cards on the table prematurely. I wish I had handled it differently, because now I will always have doubts. Like you, I love my wife and want it to work. I , however, will not be a fool. At the end of the day, I have to look in the mirror and be comfortable with who I am and where I'm at. However, I have my struggles. I've been at this for approximately a year...Sometimes it's like a scab that sometimes gets scraped off from time to time. (i.e. hearing about Tiger, flipping the channel and seeing "cheaters"...At that point everything that happened feels like its just happened again. Keep your head up dude. You are not alone....Just be able to look yourself in the mirror and be ok with where your at and who you are. Stay strong bro.


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## Mrs. Me (Dec 11, 2009)

First off I think you are a great person for trying to put this past you. It takes a bigger person to forgive. I don't feel sorry for that man or her one bit. You working hard 80-90hrs a week and not being home, her needing help around the house and such could never excuse her actions. In my opinion nothing can excuse how she hurt you. As far as telling the other woman, I would have done the same! I can see that you are trying to be positive about this and thats the best way to be. It's hard to disreguard gut feelings. I usually go with mine that fall back on trust issues. The polygraph test sounds like a great fresh start. But that is something I would do because I'm crazy and always need truth (even if hurts). There is nothing better than the truth. There is nothing better than honesty and I believe if theres no trust, there is no relationship. I am sorry you had to go thru this and I hope everything works out well for you. You and your family will be in my prayers. Best of luck to you and your wife


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## duckman (Sep 15, 2009)

Ben...
Trust is I guess the biggest hurdle to get over, regardless whether it's a EA or PA. The old saying, 'trust is not given, it is earned' is very prophetic. I couldn't agree more. Right now, I'd be lieing if I said I trust my wife completely. That trust has been broken. I don't think that I'm in a position to say whether it will ever completely heal. Ultimately, I think that it is human nature to not divulge anything that will cast a 'bad' light on themselves. The path of least resistence is usually the one that is taken. I pray everyday for strength and to be able to trust again. For me, I still question what I am trusting in, because ultimately, I still have doubts in what actually occurred. That is what is most difficult for me. I just don't want to try to build our future on a lie. Sorry to ramble and to hijack your thread......I wish you the best....
Remember this....."What's done in the dark will always come to light." unknown....


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## Beninyourshoes (Jul 31, 2009)

Mrs. Me said:


> There is nothing better than the truth. There is nothing better than honesty and I believe if theres no trust, there is no relationship. I am sorry you had to go thru this and I hope everything works out well for you. You and your family will be in my prayers. Best of luck to you and your wife


Mrs. Me, Thank you for your prayers, Lord knows I have needed them. Without Gods help, non of us could make it through these tough times.


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## Beninyourshoes (Jul 31, 2009)

duckman said:


> Ben...
> Trust is I guess the biggest hurdle to get over, regardless whether it's a EA or PA. The old saying, 'trust is not given, it is earned' is very prophetic. I couldn't agree more. Right now, I'd be lying if I said I trust my wife completely. That trust has been broken. I don't think that I'm in a position to say whether it will ever completely heal. Ultimately, I think that it is human nature to not divulge anything that will cast a 'bad' light on themselves. The path of least resistance is usually the one that is taken. I pray everyday for strength and to be able to trust again. For me, I still question what I am trusting in, because ultimately, I still have doubts in what actually occurred. That is what is most difficult for me. I just don't want to try to build our future on a lie. Sorry to ramble and to hijack your thread......I wish you the best....
> Remember this....."What's done in the dark will always come to light." unknown....



Duckman,

Fortunately for me (seems like an oxymoron) , this thing happened 8yrs ago and some of the details managed to be withheld. I understand why she withheld some of the information. She was scared of the "knee jerk reaction" that I am capable of doing. I had all of my guns locked up purposely for several years because at the time when all was fresh on my mind, I was capable of hurting someone. I don't recommend hurting anyone but I know myself and my emotions, it could happen and probably would have ( "Breaking News report, Man shoots alleged wife's lover and ......."). 

I will agree that the trust is the hardest thing to overcome. I am working on that now. I can't tell you how to handle your own affairs ( No pun intended) but for me all I can do is turn this over to the Lord and ask that He heals my heart. If your not involved in a church, I would suggest getting involved and really doing some soul searching. My wife and I have been really involved in church for the last few years and our hearts have grown so close since then. I guess that is why it hurt so bad the other day because things have been SO GOOD. We still have some occasional problems in the intimacy department but we are working on that as well. I know that the only way I can trust is to TRULY FORGIVE. I got down on my knees and prayed my heart out that God would heal my heart, lead, guide and direct me through all of this and most of all, take the thoughts out of my mind. I don't read the news about Tiger and I don't turn on the TV right now because there is no morality on the TV these day plus all of these things push me backwards and prevents me from going forward. Satin has a strange way of working and effecting our lives. 

At the time when all of this was going on, we had started using porn in the bedroom as a mood booster and it worked. Some of the craziest sex in my life. The problem is, it kept our minds in the gutter even after work and then you compound it with all the outside influences in our lives and we went down a path of destruction. God gave Adam and Eve sex and intimacy to share with each other and that was a gift from God. We had taken Gods gift and turned it into sin and made it dirty. I feel in my heart God has punished us both for our sins. Never again will we go down the path of destruction. 

My wife and I have opened up over the last week and truly explained to each other what our own personal needs are and how we feel. We have been truly enjoying each others company laughing, crying, loving and healing. We have started putting the kids to bed a little earlier so mom and dad can have some US time. The kids understand and now even say "Hey we are going to bed now so you guys can be alone." They are 11 and 13 and understand that if we can't grow, there will be no happy family. My wife came home a couple of days ago with "The Love Dare" book and we are having a lot of fun doing that together. What ever it takes, find something to fix your relationship and keep it special everyday of your life. I know that my wife is the only person I want to grow old with, so why not treat her like someone special. If most people ,myself included, would have kept the flame burning instead of getting in a rut after marriage, we would not be doing this right now.

I thank God for giving me a loving and forgiving heart and I pray every day that I will never have to go down this road again and if my wife and I can help prevent some couple from making the mistakes that we have made, all of this will have been worth it.


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