# Doind things for yourself vs. your spouse



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

How far should one go to keep their spouse happy with them?

Example...

Around a year ago my wife and I ran into a bit of a sexual problem in our relationship.

Backstory here..

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/25085-dodged-bullet.html

Around that time I realized I was way too into my wife.
I did everything for her, I led my life around the things she wanted.
Understand this wasn`t what she wanted or demanded it was just the way I loved her.

I decided I was going to start living my life for me and she could come along for the ride if she wanted.
So I made some changes I had been denying myself because she didn`t like them.

First I cut my hair.
I had very long hair down past the middle of my back.
My wife loved it but I was really sick of living in the 80`s because of her preference.
I had asked her to cut it many times but she refused(she`s a stylist)
So I asked her again if she`d cut it, she refused.
I told her I`d have to make an appointment with Dee (Dee is a very attractive "friend"/colleague of my wife who is overly flirtatious with me) She then agreed to cut it ( I knew she wasn`t about to have me alone in Dee`s studio running her fingers through my hair.)
She cut it it looked great.
She wasn`t happy.

I then started hitting the gym hard, lost 20 lbs and was looking pretty damn good after months of weight training.

My wife didn`t like this either she had aways said she liked a bit of belly on me and now it was gone.
Said she didn`t like muscular guys
I always thought she wasn`t serious because hell... who would rather have a pudgy guy over a guy with nice abs?
I thought she was being kind to the pudgy guy.

I haven`t been to the gym for the past three months now and I`ve gained back 5-10 lbs and am getting a bit of that belly back now.

The odd thing is I`ve noticed my wife has been all over me since my bit of pudginess has come back.
I mean she`s REALLY all over me now.

I`m going to take a shot in the dark and say I think she may actually have this preference due to her relationships past.
I don`t think she wants a guy that turns girls heads, I think she feels more secure when fewer women are interested in me which is understandable.
I think this has actually caused her to be more sexually inclined to pudgy guys.

The problem is I don`t want to be a pudgy guy.
I told her I was going to the gym today she almost seemed bummed out about it.

A lot of folks here believe a spouse should do things that make themselves happy and from that happiness in the marriage should be easier.
This makes sense to me but it`s looking like my marriage may be the exception in this case.

Should I drop the weight and start working on those abs again because that`s what I really want or should I get back to being the pudgy guy because my wife wants it?

It really kind of pisses me off that there`s a possibility that the better I look the less my wife is attracted to me.
:rofl:
God that`s rich!!
WTF?

Anyway, I`m not really asking what to do, I`m going back to the gym.

I just wanted to know what others thought about what to do when the thing that makes you happy makes your spouse less happy.

How is that type of thing reconciled?

Who has priority?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Damn fat fingers!!

Should have checked that title better.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My husband once lost a lot of weight and honestly it unnerved me. I feared that if he looked TOO good he'd leave me. Yes I'm aware I have abandonment issues. 

So I totally get it. 

I'm over it now. I realize (after therapy) that I'm being silly. If he chose to look good I should just enjoy it.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Well... you know those lists that give you 'signs your partner is having an affair'
Getting a new interest in your appearance is always mentioned...you've got a new haircut and a new buff bod... next you'll be buying new undies??? 

Maybe she's worried you getting buff for some pretty young thing at the gym.

Having said all that i believe I'm a better and more interesting wife and partner if I have an interest in having a healthy (and sexy) body and also hobbys/outlets outside the home.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

waiwera said:


> Maybe she's worried you getting buff for some pretty young thing at the gym.


Yeah at the time I began the changes this crossed my mind and I know it was on her mind.

I did go out of my way and put forth a very high level of transparency while I was doing it.
After awhile when the changes became the norm for me she dropped the idea and we went on pretty happily although it did shake her up at first which isn`t really a bad thing as she needed it then.

We`re doing well now I was just very curious about the increase physical/sexual interest now that I do have a bit of that chubby back.
It kinda hit me last night when she was showing that interest that she really did prefer me a bit chubby.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I have a friend that was morbidly obese... her man liked her that way it seemed and sabbotaged all her weight loss efforts, we all thought he was a horrid and controlling bastard... until.... she joined a gym and weight watchers... lost 100kg and dumped him. Now he's a very sad and lonely man who misses his wife... she now dates some bloke she met at the gym.

I worked in gyms for more than a decade and know how often people 'hook up' there...... so wonderful that you are so transparent.. that makes life so much easier for everyone. 

Personally I'd keep at the gym...being fit and healthy is a good sign of self love and we all need a healthy dose of that!


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Give me some of your wife man. I wish I was in your shoes!


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Yeah at the time I began the changes this crossed my mind and I know it was on her mind.
> 
> I did go out of my way and put forth a very high level of transparency while I was doing it.
> After awhile when the changes became the norm for me she dropped the idea and we went on pretty happily although it did shake her up at first which isn`t really a bad thing as she needed it then.
> ...


Yah ... you would think that maybe if she was really insecure about you buffing up and such that she would have been all over you more then to try and secure your attention.

Perhaps she does just have a preference for the particular kind of look you had before. Maybe we tend to think that people would/should be more attracted to someone who is the fittest and buffest version of themself, but we know that isn't always the case - and attractions can be mercurial things.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

In addition to abandonment issues, your wife may feel pressure to work out herself, and she may hate working out.

I don't feel that you should change what you want to please your wife. That causes resentment, and resentment kills love. The things that you have described, how you wear your hair and working out, are not spiteful, so I would continue to please yourself and show your wife a confident man.

As long as you continue to show your wife that you love her, I would not worry about her insecurities. She may not be able to overcome those no matter what you do.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

T,
You are doing the right thing. If your W gets up the courage to vocalize a complaint, firmly tell her that your fitness is important to you. And then change the subject. Big mistake to have a long conversation about something "core" like this. It implies she has the "right" to encourage you to be less healthy. 

It is ALSO true, that if you two are out and you are getting female attention, you need to completely ignore it/discourage it. 

One last thing, if her disapproval spills into the bedroom - meaning you get in better shape and she starts ramping down your sex life - you need to be very assertive about that. Personally I would go down the twin paths:
- Not sure why this is turning you off, but it is beginning to make me question if we are sexually compatible
- While I am not doing this to get attention from other women, my willingness to ignore that/shut that down is highly correlated to the notion that you love and prioritize me. 

Followed by a very curt "you need to decide what you want, if you are only capable of being a chubby lover, I am not the guy for you". 

And then shut up - and don't say much - or react much. Just watch how she behaves in the weeks/months FOLLOWING that conversation. 





tacoma said:


> Yeah at the time I began the changes this crossed my mind and I know it was on her mind.
> 
> I did go out of my way and put forth a very high level of transparency while I was doing it.
> After awhile when the changes became the norm for me she dropped the idea and we went on pretty happily although it did shake her up at first which isn`t really a bad thing as she needed it then.
> ...


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

This all happened awhile ago so by this time she`s pretty well adjusted to my gym routine and as part of that transparency I mentioned earlier when I signed up for the gym I got her a membership too so she "sometimes" goes with me.
She used to go with me all the time when I first started up but I`m pretty sure that was to keep an eye on me.

She`s since really slacked off but thats cool she`s hot as it is although it would do wonders for her general health I think.

I was just recently struck lately that I was wrong about her just being kind to me when she said she prefers chubby guys since I`ve gained back some weight she`s really digging me.

I was just wondering about when your desires/needs directly contradict your spouses desires/needs what should be done.

It seems from the answers here that you should look out for your own needs in that situation and I agree so I`ve started my gym routine back up. Didn`t stop because of her, life just got in the way and I got a bit lazy the past few months.


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## Thewife (Sep 3, 2007)

My husband used to be very fit when we first met and I very slim now after 13 years and two kids both of us were completely out of shape. He started training for the past few months and starting to look great....I surely felt threatened and told him I'm scared that he'll attract girls, but he does other things that proves he will always be my husband. I've also started working out now and we do it together sometimes. I will never expect my husband to hold back on himself due to my insecurity, neither will he.


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## soulseeking (Jan 26, 2012)

I think her preference in having you keep some of your chubbiness is a matter of security. It attracts her because you are making her feel safe about her place in your life. This is my opinion, but when you are chubby, she feels comfortable with you. As you trim down and muscle up, her mind is most likely wandering to the why or what if's, which keep her from enjoying you. Does that make any sense? 

Here's an example of what I mean, from a mom's point of view:

A few years ago, I went through a drastic weight loss and my body changed a lot. My son was 5 years old and I was getting close to my ideal weight. I lost over 120 lbs, so I'm talking drastic change. 

I was the classroom mom for my son's kindergarten class. I was still not happy with my body. I felt if I lost a few more pounds or was able to tone up more, get a tummy tuck, etc, I'd find happiness in my transformation. One day, after doing an activity with all the kids in the class, all the kids came up and hugged me. They always hugged me, but I noticed that the other mom that was there helping, who was more fit than myself, wasn't getting hugs from the kids like I was. The kids would give me an extra little "squeeze" with their hugs. My son told me that everyone liked hugging me because I was "comfy" and that moms should be soft and squishy. The wisdom of a 5 yr old! I stopped pursuing the tummy tuck and worrying about the last couple of pounds, etc. I'd rather be a soft and squishy comfy mom that attracts hugs than to have a tone, bony body that gets in the way of being hugged because it's not as comfortable.

This isn't an excuse to "let yourself go." It's just the insight from the perspective of a small child that sometimes soft and squishy means comfort and easier hugging and gives off a more inviting feeling.


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