# How do you measure 'success' in marriage?



## Deejo

Draconis' great thread about the components that contribute to long-term success made me think about what my expectations are. People often have long-range plans or goals, and at least _think_ about the actions required to accomplish those goals. I did not approach my marriage this way. I am making an assumption that most folks _marriage plans_ don't extend beyond the wedding day and honeymoon.

We go with the flow - we assume that things will work themselves out. Or worse, we naively believe; 'love conquers all.' And sit idly by while love leaves the playing field.

I'm wondering if we become too passive in attending to the needs of a marriage, as opposed to focussing on the needs comprising the realities of a marriage; rent, mortgage, debt, careers, children.

I don't measure success in terms of longevity. I know plenty of couples that have been married over 30 years that live as strangers at best, adversaries at worst. They are miserable.

So here is my silly goal:
I want to be able to look at my partner and fall in love with her all over again at 10, 20, or 30 years. I want to know that if we aren't on the same page over time - we can recognize that, and resolve it together.

I measure success in terms of balance for both partners. I want to have confidence that we can depend upon one another without being dependent upon one another. 

Breaking it down in simple terms: I want to be in love with my wife. Always. That would be pretty successful in my eyes.


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## swedish

Deejo said:


> I don't measure success in terms of longevity. I know plenty of couples that have been married over 30 years that live as strangers at best, adversaries at worst. They are miserable.


:iagree: Unfortunately, my parents up until my mother's death from alcoholism. Well, at least it taught me what I don't want.


Deejo said:


> I want to be able to look at my partner and fall in love with her all over again at 10, 20, or 30 years. I want to know that if we aren't on the same page over time - we can recognize that, and resolve it together.
> 
> I measure success in terms of balance for both partners. I want to have confidence that we can depend upon one another without being dependent upon one another.
> 
> Breaking it down in simple terms: I want to be in love with my wife. Always. That would be pretty successful in my eyes.


:iagree: not silly at all...I've been thinking a lot about the word 'balance' lately myself. If you feel your marriage is balanced, it really can prevent feeling unappreciated, unloved, resentful which all seem to be the main cause for disconnecting.

I know that the more we both give to one another we both feel we are receiving more than we are giving. Odd for a math geek to say, but it's true and the more loved I feel, the more I want to make him as happy as I am. Part of that is knowing when he's having an off day or dead tired to recognize how he's feeling and step it up a notch, which he does as well.

Balance.


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## Thewife

Deejo,
I like your goals:smthumbup: and I love the idea of falling in love at 10, 20 and 30 yrs! 

We will be married for 10 years soon and am starting to think about quality than quantity!


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## jennyc

Those are great goals... :smthumbup:


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## guardianangel

I measure the my success in marriage when we are overpowering our problems through consistent communication, bringing out the best of each other and of course, laughter.


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## kiran23

I really agree with u r IDEA'S.......
I think Every Married Couples wants to doing like that in 10, 25, and 50 years.....


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## snix11

You'd think, kiran. My hubby thinks he's much more real. He just wants us to 'get along' says that is the measure of a good marriage. that being 'in love' is too much work and unrealistic. sigh...


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## draconis

Deejo said:


> Draconis' great thread about the components that contribute to long-term success made me think about what my expectations are. People often have long-range plans or goals, and at least _think_ about the actions required to accomplish those goals. I did not approach my marriage this way. I am making an assumption that most folks _marriage plans_ don't extend beyond the wedding day and honeymoon.
> 
> We go with the flow - we assume that things will work themselves out. Or worse, we naively believe; 'love conquers all.' And sit idly by while love leaves the playing field.
> 
> I'm wondering if we become too passive in attending to the needs of a marriage, as opposed to focussing on the needs comprising the realities of a marriage; rent, mortgage, debt, careers, children.
> 
> I don't measure success in terms of longevity. I know plenty of couples that have been married over 30 years that live as strangers at best, adversaries at worst. They are miserable.
> 
> So here is my silly goal:
> I want to be able to look at my partner and fall in love with her all over again at 10, 20, or 30 years. I want to know that if we aren't on the same page over time - we can recognize that, and resolve it together.
> 
> I measure success in terms of balance for both partners. I want to have confidence that we can depend upon one another without being dependent upon one another.
> 
> Breaking it down in simple terms: I want to be in love with my wife. Always. That would be pretty successful in my eyes.


I think what you want really hits home on many fronts.

First the fact that many people allow their marriage to go away because of the mundane. This is the worst thing to happen.

Keeping communication and trust open and honest in a marriage will save many problems from happening.

To keep out the mundane my wife and I do the following just because.

We still "date" every week.
We always do one little something for each other everyday.
We always hold hands, kiss and hug when ever we can.
Always say I Love You or other affections.

It seems like a little bit but it is in the quality of what we do that counts so well.

I think by reading your post you have the right idea.

I have had over ten wonderful years with the wife. I wish you the best.

draconis


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## Blanca

If i have happy, healthy, successful children. Then i'll think i had a successful marriage.


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## Deejo

My goal remains unchanged. Despite current circumstances. 



ljtseng, I like that goal too.


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