# Success Strategies When Staying for the Kids



## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

There have been several threads discussing the pros and cons of staying for the kids. This is not one of them, PLEASE let's not make this a discussion on the merits of the issue.

Questions *only* for those men who stayed for the kids and for whom it has now been long enough to measure the effect your decision has had on them, and the effect was deemed minimal or positive:

1. Was your spouse aware and how did you arrange your interaction?
2. Did you do anything to mentally prepare your kids for the eventual break-up as they got older?
3. Did you maintain an open relationship and if so, how did the logistics work?
4. Any general tips for success?


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

I stayed for a long while because in my area the courts used to typically follow the rule of the Golden Uterus when deciding matters of custody. That and for some wild reason I thought the married(while unhappy) family life was better for my daughter. 

We finally called the time of death on the marriage when my daughter was 12. My daughters reaction? One word. "Finally." Since the divorce and subsequent 50/50 custody our daughter's life has improved in both academics and socially.

While staying in the marriage for my daughter my ex and I were both unhappy. Our daughter picked up on it. There was so much tension there. 

We tried, not an "open marriage" but rather a blind eye approach to each other. We would go out as a family at times but we didn't go out as a couple. We had separate friends, etc. But that never seemed to work out well. We always found some way to be bothered by each other.


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

Thanks for the feedback. I guess it's a borderline success story if we look at the glass as half-full. If there had been no tension between the two of you, do you think the overall scenario would have worked out differently?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

All due respect, I question if you are going to get the kind of feedback you are looking for, quite simply because there are few to no success stories regarding that scenario that post here.

Over the years, I've seen a lot of folks that believe that's the route they are going to go. But they don't stay on and post about the experience.

Humans are funny critters. I would say that a 'successful' staying for the kids approach would still require tremendous emotional maturity, and a measure of respect for your partner with whom you don't want to be partnered with any longer.

Those things are usually in short supply during a marriage meltdown.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

moco82 said:


> Thanks for the feedback. I guess it's a borderline success story if we look at the glass as half-full. If there had been no tension between the two of you, do you think the overall scenario would have worked out differently?


Tension or not, it wasn't going to make it till the child graduated. In the end it came down to not being happy. That is where the tension eventually comes from.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

When you google it there are ton of links to articles asking the question "Should you stay together for the kids?". However there are none that actually tell you how to do it. I see this as an indication that Deejo may be right. I don't think there really has been a whole lot of thought put into how to actually make it successful. Not even by the couples that are doing it. It appears folks are just winging it.


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

Hmmm... it was the apparent success stories in the other thread that led me to start this one.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

ReformedHubby said:


> When you google it there are ton of links to articles asking the question "Should you stay together for the kids?". However there are none that actually tell you how to do it. I see this as an indication that Deejo may be right. I don't think there really has been a whole lot of thought put into how to actually make it successful. Not even by the couples that are doing it. It appears folks are just winging it.


Could it be that there aren't very many success stories, or more likely that there are no real ways "how" to do it, really it is how much you can tolerate and how good of an actor you are.

Those open marriage things only seem like they work if you still get along, have sex with your spouse and are fine with them going out and having sex with others.

Someone in an open relationship usually gets jealous that the other is getting more action, even if you don't sleep together anymore you still had a bond and you will get pissed he/she is sleeping with someone else.

Personally I don't see how 2 people make the decision to stay with the kids and then are successful, one person may make that decision and hide it with the other believing all is well but even that would be tough.

I think a better idea if both people want out of the marriage is to come up with an exit plan 3 months or longer to give everyone especially the kids time to adjust. Not only do you have time to make a smooth transition but it gives both parties a goal to look forward too.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Well, I have seen it sort of work for one couple but I wouldn't necessarily say they were "together". After the divorce they kept their house and also rented a nearby apartment. They had split custody of the children. When one parent was at the house with the kids, the other was at the apartment. The kids didn't have to change schools and were able to stay in the same neighborhood. It was an interesting arrangement but it doesn't quite count as staying together.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I think the only small chance it has to work is if both partners are all in and both understand that you must treat each other with love and respect, even if you're not in love. That rarely happens though, usually one or both partners are behaving badly but are somehow convinced that if they just stay under the same roof the kids will benefit, regardless of behavior. You absolutely can't do it alone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I’ll throw out this just ... well... because.
I know there are guys who were with a woman for whatever reason insisting they would just be friends/roommates/co-parents or whatever they decided to define that relationship as. So the relationship ‘rules’ were sort of set up to support this system. There is a lack of ‘controlling’ stuff like telling a spouse they can’t do this or that on their own time. It’s just not your place within the confines of this relationship box, nor does it bug you much since it isn’t an expectation you have. 

Now if both are working on this and considerate of the situation and the other’s feelings, it starts looking more like those couples you knew who’d insist they aren’t dating and just friends. Often, they’d date, but find some reason it didn’t work out. I’ve seen ‘casual sex’ introduced because they are lonely. And slowly, over time, things just kind of morph and you find you’re with this friend an awful lot and almost as concerning, you both recognize that it’s looking like a duck... like it or not, it became a committed relationship and you can’t picture it any other way. 

I haven’t seen this from couples who were deeply intimate though. Just singles who were broken, scared and gunshy; Unwilling to allow someone in that deep out of a fear of getting hurt again.

With the right people, I could see it going that way....


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

I've been staying for the kids. I haven't explicitly told the wife that we'll probably get divorced, but we have had discussions where I've made it clear that I don't think the long-term outcome is good. I'm reluctant to commit to a divorce so far out when who knows what will change. And I don't think my wife would handle the situation well. 
It was probably about 8 years ago that I realized we will probably get divorced when the kids grow up.

After all this time, I think the only reason to stay together is if your kids have emotional issues and the divorce would greatly impact them. One of my daughters is somewhat delicate emotionally and I think a divorce would have crushed her and permanently changed her in a negative way. But if the kids are normal, then it's probably okay to divorce. Of course they won't be happy initially, but most kids will adjust in time. 

If the parents are emotionally stable enough to make it work living as roommates, then likely they would provide a good environment after the divorce. So then why not divorce so that each parent can try to find happiness.

I will *never* tell my kids that I planned for divorce so long ago. There's no point in burdening them with that. If you're staying for the kids, let them live a happy life blissfully ignorant. It would be counter-productive to tell them ahead of time. Then they would feel a huge responsibility for your unhappiness. Even if that's the truth, don't make them feel that way.

To make it work, you have to be somewhat of a martyr. You have to be able to do this selflessly. No one is going to thank you for sticking around. You have to have a clear reason for sticking around to keep going for so long. Essentially, you are trading your own happiness for that of your kids. It can get depressing after a while. 

So stay together because you think one of your kids would otherwise be so messed up they'd get hooked on drugs or something. Don't stay together just because you're worried holidays will have to be in two different houses. If you don't have a very good reason to stay together, it's not worth it.


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