# Hey :)



## helplostconfused (Jun 11, 2013)

I was on here years ago due to marriage issues and this site helped me more then I can even express in words, which is why I am back on it now. Looking for some advice on how to get over cheating. I will be married for 10 years in April. 

My husband cheated on me 6-7 yrs ago right after my mom (aka my best friend) passed away from cancer and sadly enough I'm still not over it nor able to trust him. Why do you ask why I am still with him? Exactly why I am on here. 

If anyone has any words or wisdom, opinion, really anything I'm open to hearing it. I just want to get back to my fun loving self again, I've lost my "light". And I'm really hoping being on here I can find it again. Ever since it happened I haven't felt like I really am worthy of anything. I used to have a healthy amount of self esteem (if that makes sense). 

I used to laugh so hard my stomach would hurt. To sum it all up I used to love myself and just be happy go lucky. 

I feel when he cheated on me (twice with the same woman, exactly a year to the day I found out he was cheating on me the first time), he robbed me of all that and left me with this shell of a person. 

Again any advice or encouragement or reasoning of why I would stay or what I should do I would greatly appreciate it. 

If you made it this far in my post thanks for taking the time to read it. I truly appreciate each and every one of you and if there is any way my story or I can help someone else I would love that too, but I do know to be able to help others I have to help myself first. So thank you once again and I look forward to hearing and reading from you all.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Hi @helplostconfused, I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry that you find yourself here again. I’ve never been cheated on (that I know of anyways), but can say that I also lost myself in a former marriage. I was gaslighted and wasn’t treated very nicely. I also did my fair share of yelling, and at the end, I gave up. After he moved out, it was weird. I didn’t like him and was happy he was gone, but the house was so empty. Little by little, I came out of the funk, and started getting out of the house with friends and my dogs. I started doing things that I enjoyed, and things that kept me sane (baking is cathartic). I baked every weekend, and boy my coworkers were thrilled! Through it all, I also kept posting on here, and got some very sound thoughts and advice. I didn’t always like to hear it, but it’s a good place to come to. 

Little by little, you’ll find yourself, you’ll regain that light again, too, and you’ll start to laugh again. What are things that you enjoy doing? Can you join a group


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

It may benefit you to give more background to the aftermath of the infidelity... his actions since... your actions... reasons for reconciliation... any rugsweeping etc.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

helplostconfused said:


> I was on here years ago due to marriage issues and this site helped me more then I can even express in words, which is why I am back on it now. Looking for some advice on how to get over cheating. I will be married for 10 years in April. My husband cheated on me 6-7 yrs ago right after my mom (aka my best friend) passed away from cancer and sadly enough I'm still not over it nor able to trust him. Why do you ask why I am still with him? Exactly why I am on here. If anyone has any words or wisdom, opinion, really anything I'm open to hearing it. I just want to get back to my fun loving self again, I've lost my "light". And I'm really hoping being on here I can find it again. Ever since it happened I haven't felt like I really am worthy of anything. I used to have a healthy amount of self esteem (if that makes sense). I used to laugh so hard my stomach would hurt. To sum it all up I used to love myself and just be happy go lucky. I feel when he cheated on me (twice with the same woman, exactly a year to the day I found out he was cheating on me the first time), he robbed me of all that and left me with this shell of a person. Again any advice or encouragement or reasoning of why I would stay or what I should do I would greatly appreciate it. If you made it this far in my post thanks for taking the time to read it. I truly appreciate each and every one of you and if there is any way my story or I can help someone else I would love that too, but I do know to be able to help others I have to help myself first. So thank you once again and I look forward to hearing and reading from you all.


HLC

I am sorry you are still hurting and feel the need to come back and talk about your issues again. 

I went thru the same thing 6 or 7 years ago. I know what you are going thru and I hear you.

I will start by saying that you will never fully trust him again. There will always be a scar. 

However, I do think happiness is possible and that you maybe too wrapped up into your husband 
for your happiness. 

Your husband does not define who you are. You do!

Your husband cheating (believe it or not) has very little to do with you.

This is a failing in his character and not a reflection of you.

We cannot control others but we can control ourselves and I hate to say it but we are 
responsible for our own emotional happiness. 

You have the capacity to be happy if you just let yourself.

Did you get individual counseling? If not I recommend it. It would help you bunches methinks. 


ALL THE BEST
BP


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Sorry you’re here.

What is it that you want help with? Putting it behind you or getting out?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I don't get it.

Are you being held prisoner by him and_ *can't* _leave?

A sad simple fact is that your husband has no remorse at ALL for _your_ pain. None. You've been forced, all on your own, to try to heal from HIS **** behavior without any help from him at all. And that's because YOUR pain means nothing to this degenerate.

And here you are 7 years later, no better off than you were back when you caught him - the 2nd time, one year later. This guy is such a nasty piece of work.

What is SO special about him that you've *willingly wasted* the last 7 years of your life with this remorseless lying cheater? There's *got* to be some kind of payoff in staying with someone this low down the food chain while you sell off little pieces of your soul in order to do it.

So, what's the payoff?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Just moved your thread to the CWI section.

Sorry about your situation.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@helplostconfused Why are you still with him?

Is he still cheating?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Go and see a counsellor. If you are still feeling lost and empty then your WH has not done the work necessary to help you get past it. Perhaps time to consider whether you should still stay in the marriage.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

There are two very common situations that occur when trying to repair a marriage. 1) Some cheaters never do the work; they want to rug sweep and pretend nothing happened. 2) Some betrayeds find that even if the cheater is doing everything possible to repair the marriage they just can't move past it. Which situation do you have? Or is it something else?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@helplostconfused

In all this time, what have you done for yourself?

It's my opinion that when a BS feels devalued as you do it's because they view their cheating spouses infidelity in the wrong light.

A lot of BS's view it as a reflection of their own value and blame themselves for their spouse's cheating.

The fact is that it's not you. It's him. He's the damaged one. He did not cheat because of some fault of yours. He cheated because he is weak, because he has low morals.

He did not cheat because you lack value. He might want to make you feel that way, but its not the truth.

It's actually pretty typical for the person who is cheated on to sacrifice their mental/emotional well being in an attempt to save the marriage. A person who does this is subconsciously acting on the premise that if they beat themselves up enough their cheating spouse will love them and stay. But you see the results of this. All it does is destroy you and give them a free pass.

My suggestion is that you get some counseling to deal with the damage his bad actions have had on your self esteem. You need to explore why you are demeaning yourself for him and or this marriage. It's truly not worth it. You know that now.

Also, keep in mind that humans do this with a lot of things. Often times, wen a person is raped, they feel that they are to blame. When person is robbed, mugged, etc. they often feel that some how they are responsible. It's a sad thing that we humans do not ourselves.

My suggestion is that you get some counseling to deal with the damage his bad actions have had on your self esteem. You need to explore why you are demeaning yourself for him and or this marriage. It's truly not worth it. You know that now. You need this sort of help whether you stay with him or not.

Did you blame you for his cheating? Did he say things that put you down to justify his actions?

What has he done in all these years to make it up to you? What has he done to show that he is truly remorseful for is truly horrible actions?


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