# Not in love with my husband, is it better to stay or go?



## SteelwalkerWife (Apr 26, 2012)

My husband and I have been together for 16 years, married for 9of those years. We have 3 children together, and a fourth he had from a prior relationship. We have a 12 year age difference, I am the younger in our marriage. We have been together since the moment I turned 18, he was the neighbor of my high school sweetheart. My high school sweetheart and I broke up after a 2 year relationship, and I was devastated. I was looking for any avenue to remain close to him, his neighbor proved to be just that for me. 

Shortly after I began spending time with my now husband, our relationship became intimate, and within 4 months I was pregnant and scared at age 18. During the time I discovered that I was pregnant I also discovered that my now husband was a drug addict who always claimed he was recovering, which went on for the first 3 years of my sons life off and on. He has been sober from drugs now for many years. It was rather difficult to say the least, and my trust was broken many times, as well as his emotions being extremely limited due to the suppression from the drugs. 

He became sober, we had a daughter, bought our first home and married in 2003. And had our youngest son in 2008. All of our children are involved in extra curricular activities, and our lives often prove to be extremely busy and fast paced. At the end of long days, I have often tried to gain his attention & time, if only for a moment after all of the kids are down. 99% of the time his response is that he is too tired and has to get up early. We both work full time outside of the home, but he works a construction job and works extremely hard for our family. He does everything that he possibly can for our children, our home, and me. However, it is not with a smile. He is forever tired, frustrated, and all around grouchy.  I have been bringing this to his attention for well over 2 years, he promises to take note of his moods, and try to be more positive. However, this typically only changes for 3 or 4 days, and once my tears have dried and he's forgotten our conversation, he is right back where he began. He is heavily bothered by the day to day mundane things that come along with raising a full sized family, dishes, toys, laundry about, yard work, practices, and the other items that remain on our never ending to do lists.

Over the duration of our relationship my husband has had approximately half a dozen incidents while drinking where he has become physical with me. The last two incidents were not in private, and were witnessed by others, and were within the last 4 months. He apologized profusely, of course. The last incident I told him that I wanted a divorce. He became a sobbing, crying mess. 

I feel that I have closed my emotions to him long ago, simply due to all of the pain and hurt caused in prior years of our marriage/relationship. I always knew that I was never *head over heels* in love with him, but we were able to make it work. I want so very much for it to work for our children. It never occurred to me that I might someday have feelings for anyone else. I have always done my very best, to be a good mother and good wife, regardless of what I thought I might be lacking or longing for emotionally. I knew what sacrifice I was making years ago when I found I was pregnant by a man that I knew I was not in love with, even at 18.

In the midst of all of the recent chaos, my husband's best (and virtually only) friend of nearly 30 years, has confessed his love for me in a drunken private moment. I immediately told my husband, and he basically stated that he was okay with it, and felt bad that his friend loved me knowing I was unavailable. His BF has been a single father for approximately 14 years. I have known this man for the same length as my husband, we are often referred to as a trio, we are together so often. He has been a part of our family for many years, the children even refer to him as uncle. I have also had a strong connection with him mentally / intellectually, we have many similiarities that have brought about a bond over many years, and my husband has always known that I thought this man is attractive. The long story short, I have been trucking along all of these years, having good, bad, and indifferent times with my husband. And now that this man has come along and essentially stirred emotions and feelings that I didn't think I would feel again.

I am very aware that there is not going to be any sort of ideal ending here. Any scenario I imagine, ends with someone either being hurt or not getting what they want. Let me first say that I would never plan to leave my husband FOR this man. It is just to say that he has somewhat opened my eyes to feelings that were filled with cobwebs for me, and forgetting how nice it is to feel that way. It is just a reminder of what I have chosen so many years ago to forego in order to keep my family intact. 

My husband has recently mentioned that he senses a connection between myself and his friend, one that he feels we don't have ourselves. I am in agreement, however I have not directly agreed with him because I don't want to hurt his feelings.

I have always thought that I was doing what was "right" by making things work even if they weren't always ideal. However, recently it occurred to me that if the shoe were on the other foot would I want to know? 

Despite what you may think based on his history, my husband loves me with all of his heart, the best that he knows how. He would be crushed if he thought I didn't feel the same. He is extremely proud of our marriage, our family, and the life we built despite the odds, and the doubts we've encountered along the way. We could have been great friends if things had happened differently, but I just don't feel a connection with him, he is absolutely right. If I were to ever leave him, I am unsure if he would ever emotionally recover. I am unsure if he would ever even seek marriage, or love for that matter. It pains me to even imagine him as a mid 40's man, out there with out love, with out someone to comfort him, and take care of him. I may not be in love with him, but I never want him to hurt for even one minute, and something inside of me wants to know he'll be okay and someone will take care of him.

If it were you (as my husband) would you rather know the truth and be cut loose, or continue living what you think is just fine meanwhile your wife truely isn't in love with you? 

SORRY SO LONG!


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

So what's the plan? To tell him you are not in love with him, then ask for a divorce? Or tell him you have feelings for his best friend and then leave him? Or just leave him with no reason given? What do you want to do? It sounds like you are ready to leave but are feeling guilty about it.

In the end the truth is always best. Tell him how you are feeling. But be totally honest with him in terms of staying and working on the marriage or leaving.


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## SteelwalkerWife (Apr 26, 2012)

After I said I wanted a divorce last month solely due to his physical nature (pushing/shoving/verbal abuse), we mutually agreed to attempt to work on our marriage. And we have been attempting to do so. However, I am not particularly thrilled with his effort, or perhaps his lack thereof. The first two weeks, he exhibited a great interest in fixing any areas of concern, and the past two weeks, has been making comments like "if we don't have that connection, why am I even bothering with any of this?" 

And I don't actually have a plan, nor would I be considering any of these things had my husband not noticed and mentioned a visible connection with this other man. I am perfectly content continuing with our marriage regardless of how I might feel. My curiosity is whether or not someone on the other end of my situation would like like to live in ignorant bliss or would they choose the truth even if it proves to end life as you know it, essentially pulling the carpet out from under you? I have always been confident I am doing the right thing by pushing forward with my marriage, despite knowing that my feelings towards my husband aren't what they should be. And recently my prior clarity has become blurred...as though I can't clearly pinpoint which one is the most fair to my husband, let alone our children. I tend to be a very rational, and analytical person, and I'm just a bit unnerved that I am not very sure of myself right now. I would never put myself before our children or my husband, I want to do right by them all, and these days, I'm just not sure what that is.

I by no means have a foot out the door. I am here for the long haul should that remain possible. However, this past week after the fact that I did not deny a connection with his best friend, he has mentioned that he is unsure if he can ever get over knowing that. I feel like if I conceide to his notion, I will possibly lose the ability to continue on, because my husband can't move past it. The situation is not fun to be in by any means, there is no glorified affair here. My husband feels hurt that he thinks there is even a possibility I may have a stronger connection with his bestfriend, a man we have both been friends with for greater than a decade has professed his love for me, and I am in no position to do anything other than hurt someone we have always considered family, and I myself, am prepared to forego any real feelings of deep connected love, to raise the family I committed myself too many years ago. None of it seems ideal. I'm usually very good at problem solving, however I fear that I may just be too close to this situation to see the big picture.


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## colotnk (Feb 3, 2012)

I would look at the your motivation and goal if I were you. If the friend didn't profess his love for you, would you still consider telling your husband about the lack of connection? And what purpose would that serve? What are you trying to accomplish?

You sound like a very rational and unselfish wife. And I can understand what you're feeling. I totally relate to your family life, with 3 kids and working full time. If you have no intention to leave the marriage, telling your husband would just hurt his feelings in my opinion. 

I would not want to know how you really feel. 'Lack of connection' is not something I think I can fix. It sounds too vague. I'd rather hear about what I can do to 'connect' more with you.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

If you have mutually agreed to work on the marriage then get into marriage counseling if you haven't already.

Realize that no marriage survives when there are three people in it. The other guy is no friend of your husband if he has told you that he is in love with you. If you truly want to work on your marriage, he has to go. No contact or communication at all. Now is the time for you to decide. Work on rebuilding your marriage or keep the other man in your life. You cannot have both.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I dont understand.

If he can sense that you're not really "head over heels for him" as you've stated, then why IS he trying so hard to change?

If you are not in love with this man is probably best to leave. But dont make him try to make this effort if your heart was never really with him to begin with.


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