# right fighting!?!?!?



## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

I have been a member of this sight for only a couple of months and have read hundreds of posts and yet I STILL have not read about how to stop right fighting. I am beyond confused!!! It only makes sense to argue your point because, of course, you believe your pov is correct and you want the person ( your spouse) to accept your pov as correct. Otherwise you wouldn't argue?!?! SO PLEASE someone explain to me giving up right fighting WITHOUT giving in?!?!? Of course you can suck it up and cave in but that only works if you are willing to. As a stubborn person (who's also a stay-at-home-mother- lawyer) I just don't understand....HELP!:scratchhead:


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

2sick said:


> I have been a member of this sight for only a couple of months and have read hundreds of posts and yet I STILL have not read about how to stop right fighting. I am beyond confused!!! It only makes sense to argue your point because, of course, you believe your pov is correct and you want the person ( your spouse) to accept your pov as correct. Otherwise you wouldn't argue?!?! SO PLEASE someone explain to me giving up right fighting WITHOUT giving in?!?!? Of course you can suck it up and cave in but that only works if you are willing to. As a stubborn person (who's also a stay-at-home-mother- lawyer) I just don't understand....HELP!:scratchhead:


Saw the title and had to laugh a bit! I've been given the same line about "right fighting" and had the exact same thoughts.

Best I can tell, slow down a bit and try harder to understand the other person's point of view. If they feel that their side has been heard and understood, you have a much better chance of finding some common ground.


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

thanks Nice! For me slowing down is easier said than done! The second I hear something I disagree with I HAVE to say something. But you're right I will consciously try to bite my tongue let the hubby get his point across.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

2sick said:


> It only makes sense to argue your point because, of course, you believe your pov is correct and you want the person ( your spouse) to accept your pov as correct.


If your primary goal is to prove you're right, you will probably not get anywhere when fighting. Stephen Covey lists one of the most effective habits: Seek first to understand, THEN be understood. Very difficult to put into practice, but the key to leaving an argument relatively unscathed. 

Niceguy is absolutely right - the other side has to feel heard and understood first. If you listen with an open mind, you may find the other side has valid points too! Or even figure out the precise area where the disagreement resides. (And in the meantime, emotions are being defused.) Once you have pinpointed that, and only then, can you discuss rationally and possible solve the misunderstanding. 

Seriously, imagine someone wanted to convince you they were right in an area where you disagree. They keep coming at you with the same information, presented different ways and increasing in amplitude. Your defenses would strengthen and it would be even more impossible to convince you. Self-defeating behavior.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

This is something my H and I need to work on too.

I'm hoping that if *I* stop and seek to understand his pov, he'll do the same for me.

He believes that any time we have two different points of view, we're "competing." and he wants to shut down the conversation.
I'm certain both of us can be heard, and neither of us has to win or lose.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

Janie said:


> Seriously, imagine someone wanted to convince you they were right in an area where you disagree. They keep coming at you with the same information, presented different ways and increasing in amplitude. Your defenses would strengthen and it would be even more impossible to convince you. Self-defeating behavior.


Janie THAT is the problem!!! H and I both think we are right and we BOTH disagree and we BOTH try to convince the other we are right!! You are right we just present our argument in different ways and definitely increase the amplitude!!! Our defenses both stregthen and yep it is impossible to convince each other our pov!! The question still remains HOW to get around this self defeating behavior when we both are stubborn and EXTREMELY persistant in believing our pov is right?


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> This is something my H and I need to work on too.
> 
> I'm hoping that if *I* stop and seek to understand his pov, he'll do the same for me.
> 
> ...


Credam: I hear what you are saying... but has it worked? You stopping, has he stopped too or does he just think you have finally caved in and agree with him?

My h is the same way. When I don't agree with him and want to talk it out so that MAYBE I could see his pov or at lease reach a happy median, he tells me to "lighten up" and doesn't want to continue the conversation. I have been lucky that our counselor has instituted homework where we both have to talk for 15 minutes about anything and the other person has to be silent and listen to what the other is saying. I do have to admit that some how we still find a way to right fight even with this!!! After one of us is finished with our 15 minutes the other uses their 15 minutes to rebut what the first person said. It's hard when we both are sooooo stubborn. I guess that's why I don't understand how to stop right fighting!!!


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

Janie said:


> If your primary goal is to prove you're right, you will probably not get anywhere when fighting. Stephen Covey lists one of the most effective habits: Seek first to understand, THEN be understood. Very difficult to put into practice, but the key to leaving an argument relatively unscathed.
> 
> Niceguy is absolutely right - the other side has to feel heard and understood first. If you listen with an open mind, you may find the other side has valid points too! Or even figure out the precise area where the disagreement resides. (And in the meantime, emotions are being defused.) Once you have pinpointed that, and only then, can you discuss rationally and possible solve the misunderstanding.


Read this again carefully and let me know what is confusing.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

2sick said:


> I have been a member of this sight for only a couple of months and have read hundreds of posts and yet I STILL have not read about how to stop right fighting. I am beyond confused!!! It only makes sense to argue your point because, of course, you believe your pov is correct and you want the person ( your spouse) to accept your pov as correct. Otherwise you wouldn't argue?!?! SO PLEASE someone explain to me giving up right fighting WITHOUT giving in?!?!? Of course you can suck it up and cave in but that only works if you are willing to. As a stubborn person (who's also a stay-at-home-mother- lawyer) I just don't understand....HELP!:scratchhead:


It is not caving. It is recognizing that sometimes either something is not important enough to worry about or there is no objective right.

Right fights happen over things like how messy/clean the house is. No one is RIGHT just different perspectives. I may not care if it is clean and he might want it spotless. Rather than fight about who is right in their perception of how clean things should be, switch focus to SOLVING THE PROBLEM. I want a clean house. I clean the house, hire a maid... If I don't want to clean up his crap, I use effective limit setting...

Another example of right fighting is almost any time one uses the word *should* in the context of the other spouses behavior. SHOULD he use different language? Should he call your mother and ask her to come over. Recognizing that you don't control another's actions will get you out of a bunch of stupid right fights. 

Whether or not your child sits in a booster seat THAT you fight about.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

2sick said:


> When I don't agree with him and want to talk it out so that MAYBE I could see his pov or at lease reach a happy median, he tells me to "lighten up" and doesn't want to continue the conversation. I have been lucky that our counselor has instituted homework where we both have to talk for 15 minutes about anything and the other person has to be silent and listen to what the other is saying. I do have to admit that some how we still find a way to right fight even with this!!! After one of us is finished with our 15 minutes the other uses their 15 minutes to rebut what the first person said. It's hard when we both are sooooo stubborn. I guess that's why I don't understand how to stop right fighting!!!


How about using your 15 minutes to summarize what he just told you for 15 minutes? Instead of using it as a rebuttal...

Most disagreements are about misunderstandings. If you summarize his words, he will let you know which areas you misunderstood. Most arguments would not get big if the misunderstanding was found quickly...


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> Saw the title and had to laugh a bit! I've been given the same line about "right fighting" and had the exact same thoughts.
> 
> Best I can tell, slow down a bit and try harder to understand the other person's point of view. If they feel that their side has been heard and understood, you have a much better chance of finding some common ground.


This is good. Seek first to understand the other point of view. Also recognize that a lot of times there IS NO objective right. His right is as right to him as her right is to her.

Example. I hate speaking on the phone. To the point it irritates my husband. He feels I am WRONG to hate speaking on the phone and that I SHOULD just pick up the stupid phone instead of emailing or IMing someone. AFAIC he is not more right to prefer the phone. It is not within his area of influence to make me agree that he is right. 

Since things are generally good and this is one teeny instance, I just ignore him. But if this kind of thing happened over a bunch of stuff, that would get old really quick.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Janie said:


> Most disagreements are about misunderstandings. If you summarize his words, he will let you know which areas you misunderstood. Most arguments would not get big if the misunderstanding was found quickly...


I agree.
Which is why the first several minutes of a conversation are so important.
Here's what i'm trying to do:
*earlier* in a conversation, really see whatever it is, from his pov.
Let him know I understand and see his point.
I *hope* this will prevent the occurrence of what I hate:
he gets louder and louder with his pov, more escalated, more frustrated.
I'm hoping that if HE feels heard and understood, he won't be as stubborn and get his panties in a bunch.
And maybe, just maybe, somewhere in there, my pov will also be heard.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> And maybe, just maybe, somewhere in there, my pov will also be heard.


A person is much more likely to listen if they've been heard. Be consistent and you will probably get there.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Janie said:


> A person is much more likely to listen if they've been heard. Be consistent and you will probably get there.


Thank you.

Incremental progress, right?
H had an epiphany in MC: "we compete with our points of view!"
at this point, to him, a solution is: "I sense competing points of view...HALT!" panic!
--stops conversation dead in its tracks. 
Neither of our points of view gets heard by the other.
My hope is that, incrementally, he can see that it IS possible for us to disagree AND see the other person's pov, WITHOUT "competing."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> It is not caving. It is recognizing that sometimes either something is not important enough to worry about or there is no objective right.
> 
> Right fights happen over things like how messy/clean the house is. No one is RIGHT just different perspectives. I may not care if it is clean and he might want it spotless. Rather than fight about who is right in their perception of how clean things should be, switch focus to SOLVING THE PROBLEM. I want a clean house. I clean the house, hire a maid... If I don't want to clean up his crap, I use effective limit setting...
> 
> ...


I completely agree that you can't fight about everything!!! Especially about the trivial things. I can compromise and can't care a less about those things. We right fight about him wanting "space, privacy and trust" and me wanting to have open communication and honesty. I argue I can't trust if you're not honest (little white lies to me are a sign of deceit and secracy). He believes not until I can give him his space and trust him can he not tell "little white lies". His new saying is that he "doesn't want to tell me the truth because I can't handle the truth". That in turns leads me to not trust him even more....What the hell is he not telling me that I can't handle!!! He says he is 100 % devoted to our marriage but with those kind of statements hard to believe otherwise!!

It's things like that that we right fight about...I think it only right to have open communicaitons and don't see his pov of trusting him by giving him privacy. For example when he's on facebook and starts to laugh I naturally ask him what's funny and when he doesn't respond I will come by and look to see what is soo funny. Fight begins...space, trust, honesty, open communication!!! vicious cycle never ending cycle!!!!


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

Janie said:


> How about using your 15 minutes to summarize what he just told you for 15 minutes? Instead of using it as a rebuttal...
> 
> Most disagreements are about misunderstandings. If you summarize his words, he will let you know which areas you misunderstood. Most arguments would not get big if the misunderstanding was found quickly...


Janie I like that thought!! I will TRY not rebut next time and we'll see how that goes! :smthumbup:


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> This is good. Seek first to understand the other point of view. Also recognize that a lot of times there IS NO objective right. His right is as right to him as her right is to her.
> 
> Example. I hate speaking on the phone. To the point it irritates my husband. He feels I am WRONG to hate speaking on the phone and that I SHOULD just pick up the stupid phone instead of emailing or IMing someone. AFAIC he is not more right to prefer the phone. It is not within his area of influence to make me agree that he is right.
> 
> Since things are generally good and this is one teeny instance, I just ignore him. But if this kind of thing happened over a bunch of stuff, that would get old really quick.



VT :I'm confused, it seems that you are saying to listen to what h is saying but then ignore it and do what you want? I must admit that what you are saying seems to be the same thing I'm confused about. I too listen to his pov but just don't agree with it. What makes his pov better than yours? That seems to be the dilemna?!?


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

2sick said:


> VT :I'm confused, it seems that you are saying to listen to what h is saying but then ignore it and do what you want?


No not really though I see how I was very confusing.

I was using an example of HIM right fighting. In my opinion, he should not be right fighting. He does not understand, but I think he should just accept it. It is not within his sphere of control to decide he is right and I am wrong. I thought it made a good example of what NOT to do.





> I must admit that what you are saying seems to be the same thing I'm confused about. I too listen to his pov but just don't agree with it. What makes his pov better than yours? That seems to be the dilemna?!?


His point of view ISN'T any better than mine. That is my point. I think he is being a dummy head! 

If I were the one doing the right fighting in this case, I would be advising myself not to. I would be advising myself to accept that the PoV is different and it is not within my area of influence to change. Since I am not the one doing the right fighting, I advise myself to use limit setting to deal with the fact that I don't intend to change this.

Since we have few issues, this does not even blip on our radar. But I used it as an example.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

2sick said:


> Credam: I hear what you are saying... but has it worked? You stopping, has he stopped too or does he just think you have finally caved in and agree with him?


it depends. 
Sometimes it really makes a difference, but it's inconsistent.

But here's the thing with your situation:
you sound like you're both digging in your heels on principle.
He may not be doing anything inappropriate, but on principle is refusing to just tell you wth he's laughing at, to make a point.
IF you really and truly don't have doubts or distrust, and if in your gut you don't think he's hiding something important...then see it as a silly game of "know why I'm not tellin'? Cuz you're askin'! Ha!"
and back off...don't go look over his shoulder. That just turns it into an issue where it needn't be.
Don't give him the response he's looking for---your curiosity...it sounds like he's goading you.
Once you show him you don't care what he's laughing at, it becomes a non-issue.

On the other hand...if you sense he's hiding important things from you, that's a different story.
At that point it's not about right fighting, but respect and secrecy; and his fighting is a deflection of that real issue.

Ask him about it point blank in counseling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> No not really though I see how I was very confusing.
> 
> I was using an example of HIM right fighting. In my opinion, he should not be right fighting. He does not understand, but I think he should just accept it. It is not within his sphere of control to decide he is right and I am wrong. I thought it made a good example of what NOT to do.
> 
> ...



But being the devils' advocate, by sticking with your pov (which I have to say I agree 100 %) aren't you saying your pov is better than his? I feel like I'm just going in circles!!!! What if I had agreed with him rather than you does that invalidate your pov? But since I agree with you I think you SHOULD ignore his pov since you're not changing! HERE AGAIN though right after writing that I see it as wrong? Why can't I get it?!?!?!?!? I just can't freaking understand!!!!


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

I stopped right fighting a while back and my husband still seems to want to do it over really odd things. Just a few days ago it was country music.

Him: "How can you listen to this? It's not real music!"
Me: "I like it. I understand that you don't."
Him: "But it's _really_ not music!"
Me: "I understand your opinion on country music."
Him: "They play the same chords on every song!"
Me: "I know you really dislike country music. I like a lot of country songs." 

He was looking for an argument. Of coarse I was thinking, "Let's look up the definition of music and I'll PROVE that it is beyond a doubt music!" Nothing would have been gained from me saying that. He's still going to dislike country music and my likes aren't dependent on his. 

One of the things I ask myself in any situation where I might lose (something imagined or real) is "Will _who I am_ become diminished by this loss?" The answer is most often no. 

Props to Eckhart Tolle's book A New Earth.


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

WhereAMI You said you stopped a while ago. HOW?!?!? Just looking at your example makes me even more certain I am not made to give up right fighting!!!  TOOOO much restraint...I would have to say something (and I guess my h is fully aware of that and is CONSTANTLY pushing my buttons...like it seems that your h is doing!) Again the question is HOW do you not let him push your buttons? I am too argumentative and stubborn ( I guess that's probably one of the bigger problems!!)


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> it depends.
> Sometimes it really makes a difference, but it's inconsistent.
> 
> But here's the thing with your situation:
> ...


GREAT advice cred!!! I agree 100% he is definitely trying to push my buttons and I will definitely try to curb my curiosity. We'll see where that leads!!


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

2sick said:


> But being the devils' advocate, by sticking with your pov (which I have to say I agree 100 %) aren't you saying your pov is better than his?


No. It's just mine. I have no need to be better or righter. That is the error of right fighting. We just don't need it. 



> I feel like I'm just going in circles!!!! What if I had agreed with him rather than you does that invalidate your pov?


Invalidate my point of view? What does that mean? Are you afraid of being wrong? If I agreed with his point of view, I would ... just agree with him. If he changed my point of view I would say gee I changed my point of view.





> But since I agree with you I think you SHOULD ignore his pov since you're not changing! HERE AGAIN though right after writing that I see it as wrong? Why can't I get it?!?!?!?!? I just can't freaking understand!!!!


In my opinion, your error in thinking is that you don't get that some things are not OBJECTIVELY right or wrong. Neither one of us can demonstrate/prove/quantify their rightness. We are neither right. And we are neither wrong. Once you realize that, right and wrong no longer has the power to give you a headache.


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> No. It's just mine. I have no need to be better or righter. That is the error of right fighting. We just don't need it.
> 
> 
> Invalidate my point of view? What does that mean? Are you afraid of being wrong? If I agreed with his point of view, I would ... just agree with him. If he changed my point of view I would say gee I changed my point of view.
> ...


 You are EXACTLY right!!!! I'm always thinking black and white NO GREY!!! Thats definitely something I need to work on!!!


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

2sick said:


> WhereAMI You said you stopped a while ago. HOW?!?!? Just looking at your example makes me even more certain I am not made to give up right fighting!!!  TOOOO much restraint...I would have to say something (and I guess my h is fully aware of that and is CONSTANTLY pushing my buttons...like it seems that your h is doing!) Again the question is HOW do you not let him push your buttons? I am too argumentative and stubborn ( I guess that's probably one of the bigger problems!!)


I gave props to A New Earth for a reason.  I was at a point in my relationship where I realized we were both wrong in how we handled things. Being the stubborn ass that I was, I wanted him to change first. Why should _I_ be the one to do all the work, darnit? After a while it became crystal clear that he wasn't going to change so I decided to take the initiative. At that point I was pissed about having to do it first. I was horrible. LOL 

Around that time Oprah's Book Club was reading A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle and some of the things they were discussing clicked with me. I picked up the book and took the words to heart. It helped me separate myself from my ego. The book has been highlighted and read many times. 

I am far from perfect and that's okay. I make many mistakes and on occasion I'll engage in right fighting. Afterward I try to identify what led me to that place. Once I acknowledge a trigger it's easier to avoid the mistake next time. 

How do you feel after right fighting? I remember feeling angry nearly every time. Now I feel at peace when I'm able to avoid confrontations. His need to be right doesn't mean I'm wrong. 

Your husbands need to be right doesn't mean you're wrong, either. When you diffuse the situation, will your opinion be any different on the subject? No! You will still be who you are, but you'll have more time to enjoy life.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Very basic question: If you aren't listening to him, how do you know which one of you is right?

And if you listen - but still disagree - you'll be in a better position to persuade him once you know how he sees things.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> Very basic question: If you aren't listening to him, how do you know which one of you is right?


The vast majority of the issues that come up in right fights don't have a right or a wrong. The country music example is perfect. My husband dislikes my pop music and also calls it not "real" music. He is not using the word real literally. He is using to mean valuable or of quality. Who the hell is RIGHT on a matter of preference?

In my opinion, learning what fights to pursue and which ones to remain silent on is a very handy skill.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Heres what I want from my H:
"I see why you would see it that way."
I don't need him to agree, just to respect and see why I think what I think.
I'm working on saying that to HIM first...
I'll admit I'm not good at doing it soon enough in the discussion to prevent frustration.
And sometimes it *doesn't* lead him to reciprocate.
His personality is to be argumentative.
So I've got to temper my own tendency to argue.
But rather than getting hung up on a failed argument, I try to look toward the next discussion as another opportunity
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> Very basic question: If you aren't listening to him, how do you know which one of you is right?
> 
> And if you listen - but still disagree - you'll be in a better position to persuade him once you know how he sees things.


:rofl: hmm nice guy ...better position to persuade!!! love it!!!!


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

WhereAmI said:


> I gave props to A New Earth for a reason.  I was at a point in my relationship where I realized we were both wrong in how we handled things. Being the stubborn ass that I was, I wanted him to change first. Why should _I_ be the one to do all the work, darnit? After a while it became crystal clear that he wasn't going to change so I decided to take the initiative. At that point I was pissed about having to do it first. I was horrible. LOL
> 
> *I will definitely have to get the book because I will be the first to admit I am THE MOST subborn ass of all!!! I'm still stuck on the crystal clear that he's not changing!!! *
> 
> ...


*Hey when I can diffuse the situation that way I won't be needing counseling anymore!!!*


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

Panda: Yes you did help and thanks! In fact you all make sense! I have to learn to be the bigger person without feeling that I'm just caving!! I will definitely talk to the counselor this week to show me ways to hold my tongue...MAN that's gonna be hard!!! :-D I have ALWAYS been a confrontational person and won't let ANYTHING slide... I guess time will tell!!!


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Our counselor doesn't have each of us talk for 15 minutes, but is training us to mirror, validate and empathize with smaller parts.
I think that's more effective.
If I talked at my H for 15 minutes he'd stew and tune out.
If he talked at me for 15 min, he'd say a whole lot to make things worse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

cred: TOO funny! I see you said talk at not to! That is a very good point...When we initially did the homework it most DEFINITELY was talking at (even every now and then it's talk at not to) But for the most part the 15 minute talk is to try to empathize and validate...(we just take it the other way!!)


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

2sick said:


> *Hey when I can diffuse the situation that way I won't be needing counseling anymore!!!*


Don't think this way.
See counseling as a good thing that you both need.
Gotta be patient with and committed to the process...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Don't think this way.
> See counseling as a good thing that you both need.
> Gotta be patient with and committed to the process...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh I most certainly think of counseling as good...in fact it has been great.... but even the counselor has said he is here to only teach h and me how to counsel ourselves. You are sooo right. Just being marries takes patience and commitment nevertheless trying to deal with its problems!!!


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

My H and I had two conversations tonight that could've deteriorated into "right fights," but did not. Woohoo!! 

Granted, neither is an important issue AT ALL. But when you argue frequently, you celebrate the close calls, even on dumb things.

1. He changed the channel while I was watching something (there's more to it but it's boring and unimportant). We got into a little tiff...I said "if you ask 'do you mind if i change it?' I won't care, just have the courtesy to ask if I mind." He started to lose his cool and raise his voice and I said "STOP YELLING. I understand why you wanted to change the channel. I'm just saying understand why I wanted to keep it on the other show, and ask if I mind before you just walk in and change it." Case closed.

2. Some opinions we had about some TV show (again, not important)...we started yelling over each other, and I said "Stop. Breathe. What were you trying to say?" He summarized, then wanted to go on and on about what he thought I had meant, but I said "STOP. Don't tell me anything more than what YOUR opinion was. OK. Got it. I understand. Now, here's mine..."

I only share these 2 dumb little examples to show you that as frustrating as it seems, it is possible, just takes time.


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

Thanks cred!! Examples are great ...to bad ya didn't post them earlier!!! Hubby and I too had conversations....heated.... but DID right fight!! It's sooooo freak'n hard to stop when someone is sarcastic and snotty and then comes back at you with "now YOU are right fighting"!!! I can't just stop... Have to jab back, I know it's bad but it's just natural to attack! Then of course it expands into something else...and then boom full blown fight!

Our right fight includes negative mind reading on both sides. He say's I'm negative mind reading into how he's feeling. I will admit that since H has been known to leave out info or tell "innocent" white lies, I continue to (as he would say) "badger" him until he finally tells me what he was REALLY feeling! It's so freakn' annoying don't know why he just can't say it the first time!!! Yep I'lll be upset but then I CAN get upset and get over it....NOT stew for hours and get off track from the initial issue.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

2sick said:


> Thanks cred!! Examples are great ...to bad ya didn't post them earlier!!! Hubby and I too had conversations....heated.... but DID right fight!! It's sooooo freak'n hard to stop when someone is sarcastic and snotty and then comes back at you with "now YOU are right fighting"!!! I can't just stop... Have to jab back, I know it's bad but it's just natural to attack! Then of course it expands into something else...and then boom full blown fight!
> 
> Our right fight includes negative mind reading on both sides. He say's I'm negative mind reading into how he's feeling. I will admit that since H has been known to leave out info or tell "innocent" white lies, I continue to (as he would say) "badger" him until he finally tells me what he was REALLY feeling! It's so freakn' annoying don't know why he just can't say it the first time!!! Yep I'lll be upset but then I CAN get upset and get over it....NOT stew for hours and get off track from the initial issue.


oh, you sound so much like us. So much.
If I had more examples I would share them...wish there WERE more!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

OH MY GOD right fighting! Now I know what we've been doing all these years:lol:

Seriously, I've got [email protected] internet at home so I'm going to have to cut & paste this (currently waiting for 8yo to finish his tennis lesson!!!) so I can read & inwardly digest - no doubt fuming & wondering at people's amazing insight at the same time!!! Back tomorrow maybe, with some thoughts ____


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

madimoff said:


> OH MY GOD right fighting! Now I know what we've been doing all these years:lol:
> 
> Seriously, I've got [email protected] internet at home so I'm going to have to cut & paste this (currently waiting for 8yo to finish his tennis lesson!!!) so I can read & inwardly digest - no doubt fuming & wondering at people's amazing insight at the same time!!! Back tomorrow maybe, with some thoughts ____


Madimoff, get some reliable wireless, I like hearing (reading) from you! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> oh, you sound so much like us. So much.
> If I had more examples I would share them...wish there WERE more!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You and me both!!!:smthumbup:


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Hi Creda et al, I think if only one of us could come up with some actual constructive workable real life answers, this would be one of the most valuable threads I've seen - recently oh said with a tone of voice somewhere between happy amazed and resigned 'it's been good I reckon we've gone a week without a serious argument' - note the word SERIOUS !!!

(and yes, wireless would be good but *sigh* 21st century comms and where I live don't really deserve to be in the same sentence) - so I max out on coffee in various wifi friendly bars round the place between mum-taxiing!!!


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## Shianne (Feb 5, 2011)

The opinion of the very meek follows.

You would not think that I had won any fights in the history of my life reading my posts but I am very annoying in my methods. First I have never had such small things to fight about like music quality or something left to total perspective. If it were that my beat down self would just say that "I hear you hate it and I don't know what it is about me but I still love it."
However on the big things, I say in between yells if needed what my reasoning is. In old times he might yell (I insist on change, we start now) and when he was done I would finish by saying why I thought the way I did. Then I let it play out. When I am sure that I am right I am and it would always prove itself for me. Sometimes by us making the wrong decision as a couple in order to see that I was right so it is not by any means good advise lol but it worked.


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