# Do we attract certain people by how we act?



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

What do you believe attracts certain men to certain women, and vice versa? 

I wonder, do we attract certain partners in our life, by whatever kind of vibe we give off to others? Do you think maybe that's why some relationships are the way they are? 

Here is an example:

I have a friend who, she seems to attract men, who have cheating and abusive backgrounds. She didn't have the best homelife as a kid. She recently got divorced, and every man she's been with since the divorce, all have cheating and control/abuse issues. Her husband, was the same way.

She has low self esteem, its apparent to others, and is also a easy target to get hurt, by these types of men, because of how she presents herself etc. I think cheating abusive men see her as a "easy target" to do whatever they want to her. She has yet to break this pattern of getting involved with this type of people. She comes across as needy and dependent and I think they pick up on that. 

So, do you think we attract the people in our life because of how WE are?


----------



## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

I had a friend once who believed this as well. She believed we all attract our spouses, friends etc, by how we act, the things we do and say, and the way we feel about ourselves etc. She felt this way of course as long as things were going well for her. 

However, her tune changed once things got bad for her. Once things took a turn for the worse in her life, she no longer wanted to believe that she was attracting what came into her life by her attitude and they way she looked at life. After her mother had died she became a different person. Her self esteem was shot and so was her self respect, she began acting out in a manner where it probably wasn't the best. She hung out with crowds of people who were always in trouble with the law etc. they influenced her to do things, then she wondered why her life was turned upside down. 

She has since, gotten her life back on track and stopped hanging out with people who were not a good influence. She now is in counseling and has surrounded herself with more positive uplifting people. She has a better attitude about things, and in her words, "I'm attracting the things and people I now want in my life, and I feel happy."


----------



## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Life is about choices and I now know from personal experience that its not so much who we attract but who we let in. 

For example, I met my current wife and was dazzled by her looks, the chemistry and set my standards there. This was five years ago. 
I overlooked her emotional issues, verbal abuse and control issues because I was immature and was oblivious to what it really takes to have a loving respectful partner. So here we are five years later and a two year old. Her negative behavior is front and center in most of our daily routines and its not because I attracted her to me or she hunted me down, its because I let her into my life disregarding all the warnings both internal(common sense) and external(family).

So in conclusion, we make the choice to let these abusive people into our lives. We have to reprogram our thinking and filter out these abusive people so they leave the gene pool and never get a chance to procreate. 

Good luck.


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

As men, some of us are attracted to women who need a strong supporter. Therapist called it the white knight syndrome. My son had two successive girlfriends who had attempted suicide, and he learned about it only after dating. We had to coach him in ways to see and prevent this. 

Of course, I was a poor role model. My wife had severe emotional issues when we dated, and she was attracted to the strong, silent types. If I ever have to repeat the process (and I hope not), now I'll know to see the warning signs when a prospective girlfriend seems more interested in the scars from fighting than about my feelings and interests.


----------



## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Halien said:


> As men, some of us are attracted to women who need a strong supporter. Therapist called it the white knight syndrome. My son had two successive girlfriends who had attempted suicide, and he learned about it only after dating. We had to coach him in ways to see and prevent this.
> 
> Of course, I was a poor role model. My wife had severe emotional issues when we dated, and she was attracted to the strong, silent types. If I ever have to repeat the process (and I hope not), now I'll know to see the warning signs when a prospective girlfriend seems more interested in the scars from fighting than about my feelings and interests.


:iagree:


----------



## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

I totally agree about choices and whether we let certain people in our life. However, I also think that whether we let those people in our not, something had to attract them to flock to us to begin with.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

People don't 'attract' other people. They seek them out. I have a friend who divorced her hubby because she was cheating on him and she is a serial cheater even now. But they are all losers. All broke, all messed up, all out of work, all of them leeches. They don't flock to her, she finds them. It makes her feel superior. And in a way she is. It's pretty messed up.


----------



## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> People don't 'attract' other people. They seek them out. I have a friend who divorced her hubby because she was cheating on him and she is a serial cheater even now. But they are all losers. All broke, all messed up, all out of work, all of them leeches. They don't flock to her, she finds them. It makes her feel superior. And in a way she is. It's pretty messed up.


So did you seek out your wife? You actually went out looking for someone like her?


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Yeah probably. We were young and stupid and given what I knew about the world, yes. Maybe there should be a law that no one can get married before age 30. I make no excuses for my own horrendous judgment and a craven tendency to seek out any form of attention like the whipped dog I am. It's like little kids who stay attached to their drunk abusive parent because even negative attention is better than neglect. 

How screwed up is that? A lot, right?


----------



## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

I think life experience has a lot to do with it...if someone had an abusive parent, for example, nobody in their right mind would want to be married to that type, but sometimes we do find these types, whether we want to or not.
Sort of like a young man whose father beat his mother..he knows he should never do that to his own wife, but seeing this happen in childhood may have a lasting effect on him.
Just my 2 cents.


----------



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

IMO, I think it could be a mixture of things. I do think people's attitudes and how they feel about themselves can attract those with similar qualitities of our own. Then there comes the choice into play if we want to choose to let that person to be in our life or not. 

As far as seeking out others, I can see that to a point. When I think of seeking another person out, I think of someone looking for a particular kind of person, then actually approaching them. Some people do not approach/seek others out, they wait to be approached, then once they are, its then their choice if they want to carry on further or not with the person. 

I do think it all starts out though, with what we put out there for other people, based on self esteem, confidence, beliefs, values, morals etc.


----------



## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Yeah probably. We were young and stupid and given what I knew about the world, yes. Maybe there should be a law that no one can get married before age 30.
> 
> I'd vote for that law! :lol:


----------



## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

Sanity said:


> Life is about choices and I now know from personal experience that its not so much who we attract but who we let in.





AgentD said:


> I totally agree about choices and whether we let certain people in our life. However, I also think that whether we let those people in our not, something had to attract them to flock to us to begin with.


That's true, but I what I think Sanity is saying is that while we can't exactly control who is attracted to us, we CAN control how we react to that attraction. 

For example, my wife has a friend who is a beautiful woman (she seriously looks like Angelina Jolie) who is hit on all the time by all sorts of men, many of whom I knew to be really great, stand up men. But she doesn't pick those guys.

She picks losers. Not even "bad boys," just losers who pretty much all abuse her emotionally. So lots of guys were attracted to her, and a lot of them even made attempts to get her attention. But, because of one reason or another, the men she chooses to allow into her life make it worse, and she has to take at least some responsibility because she keeps making these poor choices again and again.

To put it another way... say you have two bowls in front of you: one filled with gumballs and one filled with marbles, but otherwise completely indistinguishable from one another. If you reach into one bowl, grab something, pop it into your mouth and crack your tooth, you can say you made a mistake. But if you keep reaching into that same bowl multiple times and keep chipping your teeth... well, you can't exactly blame the bowl for that, can you?


----------



## Shianne (Feb 5, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Yeah probably. We were young and stupid and given what I knew about the world, yes. Maybe there should be a law that no one can get married before age 30. I make no excuses for my own horrendous judgment and a craven tendency to seek out any form of attention like the whipped dog I am. It's like little kids who stay attached to their drunk abusive parent because even negative attention is better than neglect.
> 
> How screwed up is that? A lot, right?


I am right there with you. I also have horrendous judgement... fighting it right now. I am working hard not to seek his attention and he is not giving it to me. I am trying to be glad. 

Not being able to marry until 30 would have saved me two bad marriages...


somebody get this bowl of marbles off the table, I can't be trusted lol


----------

