# Don’t know what to do need help !!!



## brayvan (Aug 10, 2009)

I had sex with a friend that lasted like 5 minutes about two months ago. I don’t know why I did. I love my husband very much and we have 3 great kids. We have been married for 15 years and our sex life is amazing. My oldest son got arrested a few months ago for pot. There has been much stress between my husband and I, it’s still no excuse for what I did. Soon as it happened I knew it was a mistake. We both promised it would never happen again. At first I was not going to tell my husband and hurt him over 5 minutes of bad sex. Then I missed my period and after being 2 weeks later I took a pregnancy test, it came back positive. My husband had a vasectomy 2 years ago. I calculated when we had sex and it has to be my friend’s baby. It’s going to kill my husband. I see no way out of this. I could have an abortion but I will have that to live with rest of my life. I could have the baby but if I do my husband will divorce me. I need advice do not know what to do. I am so confused don’t know what to do.


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## Kittle (Aug 10, 2009)

It's hard for me to say this with my little boy sleeping on my lap, but it sounds like you should have the abortion. What you have there is a child who would be born into emotional devastation--with parents who don't love each other, angry siblings, and a tormented mother. I had my child under difficult circumstances, and I hope every day that he won't have to pay a price for my choices. 

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Whatever you decide, good luck.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

well you have a couple of options:

1) tell him and then tell him your pregnant....and deal with the consequences

2) don't tell him, have an abortion......and deal with the consequences.


It depends on what you believe in, which is more important, etc. etc.....personally I couldn't have an abortion, its just isn't in me. But I respect the right for others to choose for themselves.

Its a tough decisions, but you made your choices and now you're going to have to deal with the fall out.


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## Kayla (Jul 4, 2009)

Tell your husband. You should tell your husband and if you are remorseful show him your remorse. Don't just tell him you are sorry but show him you are sorry. Do you go to church? If so talk with your Pastor about what has happened and ask him for help. But I believe you should tell your husband.


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## brayvan (Aug 10, 2009)

Thank you for the advice. I am a Christian and an abortion will be devastating but I know my husband will divorce me. I know my husband loves me but i don't think he would stay by me with me carrying another man’s baby, it will crush him. it will crush my other kids if they found out. If me and my husband get a divorce it will scar them for life.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Please don't just have a baby as a result.
Have it if you feel you want it desperately and will love it forever without fail, and will put everything else in your life aside. You know, already being the mother of 3 that having a child is no joke. A child deserves the best we can give them emotionally, physically, and mentally. It is not a solution. It is not a result. Please listen to no one else but yourself. Do you want to have this baby no matter what your life brings you? If it was your H's, would there be a question in your mind about whether you would have the baby? There is a reason your H got a vasectomy. Don't forget that reason. Your gut will tell you what is right. Don't listen to anything or anyone else - just your instinct.


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## still reeling (Jul 17, 2009)

Wow - you have gotten yourself in pretty deep. However, have you considered and are certain the baby is this other man's? Could the vasectomy have failed and it actually be your husband's? I don't know a lot about vasectomy's but I do know that has happened. You need to tell your husband, tell him, tell him, tell him. You did this and you now have to live with the consequences but don't make that decision for him, you have no right to make him stay after what you did. If he chooses to move on then so be it - I have seen spouses swear up and down that an affair would end the marriage immediately, and low and behold it didn't - you can't say what your going to do until your actually in the situation. Abortion is not your only option either, there are thousands of childless couples out there that would give anything for a baby, don't end a life based on your screwup - give that life a chance, even if it means giving it up to someone else.


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## JAE (Jul 17, 2009)

I disagree with Still Reeling. If that child is not your husbands, you cannot carry that daily reminder in you and expect to stay with your husband. 5 minutes of sex to throw away your marriage. Let the pain and guilt eat away at you and don't tell your husband. Get an abortion. There are plenty of children that already need to adopted. You want to stay with your husband, then don't let him find out. You will be ripping his heart out. You can't imagine the pain of finding out your wife did something like this. I would rather be dead than deal with what I have been dealing with over the last month. Punish yourself and don't tell him. If you don't want to be with him then just leave!


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

You should have got tied instead of getting your husband a vasectomy.

But seriously, this is going to devistate your husband. If I had got tied and then found out my wife was with someone and didn't use protection I would have felt like I wasn't a real man in her eyes and could never be again.

This is really about more than 5 minutes of bad sex that had the 2nd worst possible outcome (worst being a baby and an STD). Why were you in that situation? Infidelity is a symptom of problems in a relationship, not a root cause of a problem. 

You aparently are still friends with this guy if he is keeping silent about it. Why were you so close to him that you agreed to have sex with him?

Why did this happen? You must be prepared to give a satisfying awnser to that question. An "I dont know" type awnser lets him fill in the blank with the worst thing imaginable to him. You need to give an awnser that lets him know how your relationship can be improved so this doesn't happen again.

Tell him about why this happened, then tell him that it actually happened, and then who it was with (I have a bad feeling it was with someone closwe to him), and finially the situation that resulted. Make the decision of what to do about it with your husband, if he still wants that job after finding out.

If you go to your husband with the honest awnsers to these questions you may have a small chance of actually working through this. 15 years and three kids is not going to make walking away from you easy for him, but if all you tell him is what you have told us so far he won't have any choice but to do that. You need to be prepared for the worst, because that is what you are about to bring down on your husband, on top of all the problems it sounds like you are already having. Be more honest about this than you have ever been before, and pray a higher power guides you and your husband through this.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

From a Christian standpoint, abortion is out of the question. Is your husband also a Christian? You've got yourself in a real dilemma. But this can be one of those things which test our faith and makes us grow stronger. Begin by speaking to your minister or priest. Next, you will have to tell your husband and ask for forgiveness. Placing the child up for adoption can be a wonderful thing. You won't have the daily reminder of your affair and another couple will have a chance to have a family. That child you are carrying could be the answer to someone else's prayers


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

One question in regards to the abortion....does the other guy know you are pregnant..and what are his thoughts? I mean if it is his, shouldn't he get at least to let you know his opinion on wether you should get an abortion? ( I know ultimately its your body / your decision) but maybe he would want a child of his own? I mean if you put it up for adoption you would have to get the fathers permission...


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You just don't know what will happen if you tell your husband. You are being tested here. You failed the first one. Don't fail this one. Tell him. Your marriage will never be close again with this between you. You will feel guilt and eventually anger against your husband. Why anger? You will have to start to be angry with him to deal with the guilt. You will have to find reasons for not getting close. Because every time he comes to hold you. Your guilt will burn within you. You will have to start pushing him away or you will explode. So it will be easier to just withdraw from him or get angry. After some time there will only be anger left in your marriage. Don't do this.


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## beyond betrayal (Jul 21, 2009)

I agree with Kittle and Stillinshock. I don't think you should bring a child into a situation like this. That child will always feel the heat from the circumstances in which it came from. That child would be tormented. I realize the option of adoption but how do you explain that to your current children? Your family? That would just about kill them. Your husband included. There are millions of children that need to be adopted but think about if you do that. You will always worry and wonder if that child is okay. I'm not telling you what to do I'm just trying to give you a clear understanding and advice.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

If you say your a Christian. And you believe in God. Then comes the big question.......Do you trust him? Trust him with your marriage, the child, your husbands response? That's the test. Others will say "take the easy way" And don't be deceived, it is the easy way. Remember what it says in the bible.

There is a way which SEEMS right unto men, but the path there in lies destruction.
And in this case the destruction will be the life of a child.

This is a terrible situation. Please pray about it b4 you do anything rash.


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## brayvan (Aug 10, 2009)

Thank you so much everyone for listening. I told my husband what happened this morning. After I told him he looked me in the eye and said, “You just broke up our family”. He grabbed his keys and walked out the door. I felt so terrible for hurting him so much, I just wanted to die. About 5 hours later he came home and talked about what happened. He said he can forgive me about the sex but does not know if he can forgive me about having another mans baby. He thinks an abortion would scar me emotionally for life and our marriage would be over. He does not think he could raise the baby and it would be a daily reminder of my infidelity. He thinks there is no way out of this but a divorce. I don’t want to lose my husband. I am thinking of an abortion but lm just so confused.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You accomplished the hardest part. Telling your husband. Please don't look for another reason to abort your baby. Your husband is right about it scarring you. God gives you enough grace for each day. Today is over. His mercies are new every morning. Let God work on your husbands heart. Just be there for him.


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

I think you have done the right thing in telling your husband.

I am not a Christian, so I don't "Fear for my eternal soul" in saying this next part: I think wether or not you get a divorce you should have an abortion. I think this is precisely the kind of pregnancy that should be terminated. It was not created out of love. It has noone on this earth to love it. Your children would not understand and would forever blame this child for the destruction of thier family. You are in much the same situation as a 18 yr old at this point, this child has everything stacked against it.

I am not telling you to abandon your religion, or that one sin is the solution to another, I am just trying to be realistic. You dont want any more kids, your husbands vasectomy is proof of that. It would be a greater sin to fail to love a child every day of its life than to end it before it really even is a child. I am of the view that pregnancy is a treatable medical condition of a woman, not a right of a fertilized egg.

I'd choose quickly and let your husband know what your decision is and beg him to stick with you through this, the hardest time in your life. The time when you have fallen in your own eyes and need someone to support you as you find your way back.


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## still reeling (Jul 17, 2009)

I disagree there - as I stated before there are thousands of couples out there that would give anything for a baby and would love it as their own. I am for abortion for a rape victim, molestation, if the mother's life is at risk - but absolutely not as a form of birth control. I realize we all have different views here and we can debate it forever - but there are other options out there. Like an 18 year old - adoption is an option. Have you completely ruled out the possibility of it being your husbands?


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You know what is in your heart and mind. All you need to do is look at your children to know the answer. You carried them. You carry another now. Apart from how it happened. There is no difference in their value.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Here's a big HUG for you. At this point, you will have to place this in the hands of the Lord. Pray and ask for guidance.


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

I totally respect the positions of still_reeling and initofrtheduration, they have very valid points, and please listen to them if thier positions ring true to you.

I think that position does not allow for any rational judgement of the situation after the act of sex. Once sex is performed there can be only one result. I cant force that opinion on others because I think there is some doubt as to when a fertilized egg becomes a child. I dont want to proceed from the position that as soon as you know you are pregnant that it is a sentient, soul inhabited group of cells anymore than a fingernail is.

I think any further defense of this on my part should be moved to a different thread though. Just know that there are arguments on both sides.


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

Good lord. You just landed in the lap of worst case scenario. I can tell you one of my worst fears as a man is raising a child that I thought was mine and have it turn out to be someone else's. What you should have done is say nothing and get an abortion. If you were worried about it scarring you for life...take a look at what you just did to your husband's life. Your children's life. In my opinion you took the selfish way out by telling him. Now, instead of it being your own cross to bear, it's his too.

Why did you have unprotected sex with another man and let him cum inside you? That right there is probably the absolute worst thing you can possibly do to your husband. Don't think that thought hasnt occured to him either because I promise you it has. 

You've now taken a shotgun and blasted your marriage and family to **** and your husbands self-esteem and any pride he may have had. Not to mention all the trust he once had in you and any trust he may yet gain.

In my opinion you "mistake" was of the worst kind possible. Your heading down the long road of inevitable divorce and a trashed family. For 5 minutes of forgettable sex. 

It blows my mind what some people will do at the risk of life as they know it. Everything you worked for, everything you had. The loving husband, the three great kids, a stable life. 

For 5 minutes of sex. *5* minutes. 5. Right now your husband is the sorriest guy on the planet. 

For 5 minutes.


I dont know what to say. 




John


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## JAE (Jul 17, 2009)

NothingMan said:


> Good lord. You just landed in the lap of worst case scenario. I can tell you one of my worst fears as a man is raising a child that I thought was mine and have it turn out to be someone else's. What you should have done is say nothing and get an abortion. If you were worried about it scarring you for life...take a look at what you just did to your husband's life. Your children's life. In my opinion you took the selfish way out by telling him. Now, instead of it being your own cross to bear, it's his too.
> 
> Why did you have unprotected sex with another man and let him cum inside you? That right there is probably the absolute worst thing you can possibly do to your husband. Don't think that thought hasnt occured to him either because I promise you it has.
> 
> ...


You said it perfectly! The only thing I would add is that you should leave him and at least save him the pain of dragging this out.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Lostandconfused said:


> Brayvan,
> 
> If I could wrap my arms around you and hug you tight I would. I would tell you honey, this is NOT the end of the world. This doesn't have to be the end of your marriage or even cause the damage predicted by some. You've taken a very difficult step and you're on the road to recovery. You may not see it yet, but you are. Take a look at how much your husband loves you to be concerned with the scarring an abortion would bring you. You didn't believe that was possible but now you see it with your own eyes. Count each blessing again and again.
> 
> ...


Well said!


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Lostandconfused said:


> Brayvan,
> 
> If I could wrap my arms around you and hug you tight I would. I would tell you honey, this is NOT the end of the world. This doesn't have to be the end of your marriage or even cause the damage predicted by some. You've taken a very difficult step and you're on the road to recovery. You may not see it yet, but you are. Take a look at how much your husband loves you to be concerned with the scarring an abortion would bring you. You didn't believe that was possible but now you see it with your own eyes. Count each blessing again and again.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

And the differences between men and women continue. Where's the outrage? Where's the shared pain for the spouse? A man cheats and we crucify him. A woman cheats and we hug her and tell her god is gonna make everything ok.

There isnt going to be some pie in the sky at the end of the rainbow. You've committed a betrayal of the highest level and whats worse, brought home the child of another man growing inside you. 

There is no escaping it. Don't turn this around and make the husband look like the bad guy when the prospect of raising the child belonging to another man, the product of the highest betrayal, becomes too much for him. It will either make him die inside or make him hate you like poison. He doesnt win either way.




John


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

A man never has to wear the fact he had a 5 min mistake on his belly for 9 months either. I think the general consensus is that a flash of infidelity can be forgiven, if apologized for and learned from. We save our scorn for those repeat offenders who are only ever sorry they got caught. No matter how many times a man cheats he never has to worry about comming home pregnant.

From what I can tell from her story this was exactly the kind of thing we would forgive if a man did it. She just had the bad luck of doing it on the wrong day. This wasn't some crazy, obsessed, twisted plan. This was a mistake that resulted in an accident that got compounded. 

There are stories of cruel people playing with thier spouses emotions on this site but this is not one of them. This is just a person with a VERY big problem reaching out for help to strangers.


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

Lost,


You are very well spoken. Your posting is inspirational at it's best and even when it's not, it's still good. But (of course) I look at what you wrote...and I try to put myself in his shoes. I can't see it happening like that. Your scenario is perfect world. I would never blame the child for the sins of the parents. I would have recommended not getting into the situation in the first place. I have a hard time recommending termination, but sometimes, it's not the worst thing.

Another factor is, the father of the child. He's going to have visitation rights to the child, since it's his. Another pleasant thought. Another constant reminder. Birthdays, holidays, weekends...every time you turn around, this man is going to be in his life.


To the OP, if your husband can love you, the child, and himself through all this, then you have married a man far better then I and I might be inclined to check on his humanity. I love lost's version of the story...but honestly...I dont think it's humanly possible to deal with it all.





John


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

The difference is not how men and women are treated. The difference is whether the offending party is contrite, seeks forgiveness and wants to make amends. I hope Brayvan continues to post and seek support.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

NothingMan said:


> And the differences between men and women continue. Where's the outrage? Where's the shared pain for the spouse? A man cheats and we crucify him. A woman cheats and we hug her and tell her god is gonna make everything ok.
> 
> There isnt going to be some pie in the sky at the end of the rainbow. You've committed a betrayal of the highest level and whats worse, brought home the child of another man growing inside you.
> 
> ...


This woman is not getting off easy for her betrayl. She is paying dearly! I do feel for her husband and her children. She is remorseful and I sincerely hope her husband can find it in his heart to forgive her.


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

The only way it could possibly work for me, well that's not true, it could never work for me. But I would atleast require the OM to surrender rights to the child and let me adopt him/her. With him completely (emotionally and financially and lawfully) our of the picture, THEN I could see myself raising the child.

To me, it is far better that way then have to see this guy all the time. Id end up burying him. So I guess that would have to be the deal. He's completely gone forever and ever or I am. Plenty of kids grow up just fine adopted and never knowing the difference. The OM doesnt NEED to be a part of the childs life.

Even then, it's a tough row to hoe. I said it before, if he can do it...he's a better man then I.





John


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

827Aug said:


> This woman is not getting off easy for her betrayl. She is paying dearly! I do feel for her husband and her children. She is remorseful and I sincerely hope her husband can find it in his heart to forgive her.



She's getting off alot easier then the DH is. She MADE the choice. HE just has to deal with what was thrust upon him. She may be paying...but he is hollow inside right now. Emotionally dead. There isnt a payment high enough to make it ok with me. Nothing she could do or say or pay would ever make it right. Unprotected sex with another man and getting pregnant? Unforgivable.





John


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

Initfortheduration said:


> The difference is not how men and women are treated. The difference is whether the offending party is contrite, seeks forgiveness and wants to make amends. I hope Brayvan continues to post and seek support.


Its a hell of alot easier to say your sorry, to say you want forgiveness then to actually mean it and do it. If I just say some nice things and all the right things that means I really feel it? You know a man by what he does, not what he says. If saying those things earns your compassion..then you've set the bar too low. What has she done (actions) to show she feels those things? I havent seen anything yet but some words. Not enough for me.




John


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

NothingMan said:


> Its a hell of alot easier to say your sorry, to say you want forgiveness then to actually mean it and do it. If I just say some nice things and all the right things that means I really feel it? You know a man by what he does, not what he says. If saying those things earns your compassion..then you've set the bar too low. What has she done (actions) to show she feels those things? I havent seen anything yet but some words. Not enough for me.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


well seeing that she only told her husband yesterday about the whole thing, I am willing to wait a day or two for her to completely convince me that she is sorry. Geez nothing, can you give them any time at all to try and first come up with a plan or at least get by the initial shock of the whole situation. You seriously can't expect her to have all the answers within 24 hours can you?


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

Initfortheduration said:


> well seeing that she only told her husband yesterday about the whole thing, I am willing to wait a day or two for her to completely convince me that she is sorry. Geez nothing, can you give them any time at all to try and first come up with a plan or at least get by the initial shock of the whole situation. You seriously can't expect her to have all the answers within 24 hours can you?



Well no, I guess I cant. Especially considering I dont believe there are any. Atleast not any good ones.

Ok ok fine. I'll soften my stance. Let me assume for a second my wife came to me today after work and said the same thing she said to her husband. First, id prolly collapse in a pile on the floor. Second, id start asking a ton of questions...starting with who is he. If I know him Id probably pay a visit and either beat him to the point he has to call 911 to live...or maybe just off him right there and then. Third...turn myself into the police. 

I guess I hope it doesnt happen to me...Im too pretty to go to jail.


I cant imagine all the questions I would have to ask and hate to know the answer to. To know the required amount of intimacy with my wife in order to make a baby....I dont think I could ever be happy again. Im fairly sure my life would be forfeit. Just a shell until I died. 

This feeling, though even hypothetically, is the reason I cannot tolerate infidelity. Whether it's just a kiss, handholding, sex. Even an EA that is not a PA yet. In some cases and EA is even worse. I just cant fathom why a human would put someone they love, theyve sworn to respect and be loyal to, in such a position. How can they do it? It makes me just want to scream at them...even though it does no good. HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME! Or the kids? For god's sakes....what about the kids? For crying out loud people is sex worth that? All the pain and anger and hate and disappointment? For a potential orgasm? 

Every time I hear a story like this a little piece of my heart dies. I cant help it. I just cant stop myself from feeling so bad for the victim. It's just not goddamn fair. He loved you. He loved your children together. He loved his life and his wife and everything that goes along with it. And you stole that from him. And it's not just you...there are plenty of people on these boards that have had this done to them. It happens so often. Its just sad. 

Do me a favor. Give your husband a hug for me. You dont need to tell him why...or who I am or anything like that. Just give him one. If there is anyone in the world who needs it right now it's him.


Sigh.




John


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## jenniferh (Jul 8, 2009)

JAE said:


> I disagree with Still Reeling. If that child is not your husbands, you cannot carry that daily reminder in you and expect to stay with your husband. 5 minutes of sex to throw away your marriage. Let the pain and guilt eat away at you and don't tell your husband. Get an abortion. There are plenty of children that already need to adopted. You want to stay with your husband, then don't let him find out. You will be ripping his heart out. You can't imagine the pain of finding out your wife did something like this. I would rather be dead than deal with what I have been dealing with over the last month. Punish yourself and don't tell him. If you don't want to be with him then just leave!


Pain and guilt will eat away at you if you do have the abortion. Believe me, I know personally. Do not stay in a relationship that you have to lie to keep. If you tell your husband he will either forgive you, or not, but you will know that you did the right thing. If you lie, and have an abortion, chances are, he will find out anyway (abortions cause side effects -- heavy bleeding, etc.) and then he may be even more angry with you. My husband just ended an affair 3 weeks ago, and I am working on forgiving him, but if he went to that length (abortion) to hide it from me, I dont know if it would be an easy thing to do.
Pray on it, if you are a person of faith, and God will give you an answer.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

brayvan - Please please please, call a local planned parenthood for counseling and options. But PLEASE MOVE FAST. The longer you ponder, the more pain you will cause yourself and all involved. 
If you are religious also ask there. Most important go with your gut. You know inside what is right. But please, don't take too long. Just make a decision and live with it. You made a bad choice. Karma leaves you with bad thoughts for the rest of your life. Think of all involved.


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## Mikes first wife (Aug 12, 2009)

GREAT!! Good for you!! Telling him was the right answer, but divorce is not necessary, consider giving the child up for adoption. The other children may have questions but you and your husband can decide how much of the truth you want to reveal or what you want them to know.
Your marriage can work out, he still loves you and you love him, I'm so happy for you!! Please don't give up on the marriage and give the baby a chance at a family who will cherish it.


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