# My wife miscarried a few months ago, life has fallen apart, I don't know what to do



## mike2012

I got the news on fathers day I would be a daddy to my wife of a little over a year, she has two children of her own, five days later we were in the ER and she miscarried. I had no idea what to do or say and I wasn't there emotionally for her, since then our communication has gone to crap, we fight about dumb crap, divorce was even mentioned, I'm scared and sick, as of yesterday I started anxiety medication so that I can calm down and not say anything to make things worse, I could use some help, I'm a 28 year old man that acts big and tough but secretly I'm falling apart and I don't Wana lose my wife or my stepkids
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## deejov

This a tough one... men and women handle this grief very differently.
I don't know from your post if either or both of you have gone through a grieving process over the m\c or still need to do so?
This website has some tips for fathers
Child miscarriage support and child death support website. The grief of child loss

You should consider counselling, as soon as possible. 

From my own personal experiences, if you don't "deal" with the incident, it creeps into every aspect of your life, especially the intimacy and sex issues. Fear of getting pregnant again. Fear of having another miscarriage. It can change the way both partners even view having sex.

In the meantime, call a "truce" with her. Agree that you will try not to be mean to each other, talk to each other with respect, and agree to disagree, and go see a counselor to work this out.


----------



## golfergirl

mike2012 said:


> I got the news on fathers day I would be a daddy to my wife of a little over a year, she has two children of her own, five days later we were in the ER and she miscarried. I had no idea what to do or say and I wasn't there emotionally for her, since then our communication has gone to crap, we fight about dumb crap, divorce was even mentioned, I'm scared and sick, as of yesterday I started anxiety medication so that I can calm down and not say anything to make things worse, I could use some help, I'm a 28 year old man that acts big and tough but secretly I'm falling apart and I don't Wana lose my wife or my stepkids
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's not too late. Tell her up front that you too are devastated by the loss but don't know how to help her. Offer to go to grief counseling with her so you both can deal with your loss. Only you two can share the loss of your child - no one else can feel it. You'll have to open yourself up and be vulnerable, but once you do - THEN seek the help, you might get through this stroner than ever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mike2012

golfergirl said:


> It's not too late. Tell her up front that you too are devastated by the loss but don't know how to help her. Offer to go to grief counseling with her so you both can deal with your loss. Only you two can share the loss of your child - no one else can feel it. You'll have to open yourself up and be vulnerable, but once you do - THEN seek the help, you might get through this stroner than ever.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mike2012

deejov said:


> This a tough one... men and women handle this grief very differently.
> I don't know from your post if either or both of you have gone through a grieving process over the m\c or still need to do so?
> This website has some tips for fathers
> Child miscarriage support and child death support website. The grief of child loss
> 
> You should consider counselling, as soon as possible.
> 
> From my own personal experiences, if you don't "deal" with the incident, it creeps into every aspect of your life, especially the intimacy and sex issues. Fear of getting pregnant again. Fear of having another miscarriage. It can change the way both partners even view having sex.
> 
> In the meantime, call a "truce" with her. Agree that you will try not to be mean to each other, talk to each other with respect, and agree to disagree, and go see a counselor to work this out.


I don't know how she will take counseling, other things have started happening as well, after 4 years of not having a cigarette she started again, only at work though, not in the house, I won't let her, and she also started drinking more, social to say the least but for the sake of argument were not trying to have a kid right now, idk what going on with her in her head and because I don't know how to read her my mind starts wondering, heck the thoughts even crossed my mind that she might be cheating, which I highly doubt, this is the reason I started taking anxiety medication, I don't wAna start thinking things that aren't true an say something dumb
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## deejov

I meant YOU should go to counselling. That's a start. Then talk to her to about it.


----------



## Shaggy

Be on guard for her having an affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mike2012

Shaggy said:


> Be on guard for her having an affair.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wow thanks for the heads up man, way to make a person sick to their stomach, instead of helping me focus on making her feel like a woman again and try to listen to her and do what I can it's just safe to say that my wife that wanted my baby, tried and lost a child with me, a child she wanted to make the family whole, make her feel special and have another little one in the house for the kids to play with and love, is taking **** from another man. I think I'm done with this site, I'ma keep loving my wife, I don't care what none of u people say
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy

Mike, I'm not trying to kick you. I am trying to earn you. You wife is in a deeply vunerabke emotional state. Unfortunately there are scum bag lowlifes who will see this and will try to take advantage of that. 

Yes, fo love your wife. You really need to be there together healing, but you also have the job of protecting her when she is exposed like this. Steer clear of these guys.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Amplexor

My wife miscarried multiple times and it was tough every time. Be sure you support her through both actions and words. There can be terrible guilt associated with the miscarriage. "I shouldn't have had that 2nd glass of wine, I shouldn't have continued to do my work outs, we shouldn't have continued to have sex, I should have taken better care of my body..... " She may question everything she did leading up to it. She was given a wonderful gift and it was taken away through both nature and a D&E in a hospital. As men, I don't think we can ever fully comprehend the emotional impact of this and many make the same mistake you did in not being there emotionally for our wives. The communication issues you are having may or may not be related to this and you need to address those, but you need to help her with any lingering or ongoing emotional stress she may be dealing with in relationship to the miscarriage. Make sure she knows you support her and that she doesn't hold any guilt in this. Let her know what a great job she did during the pregnancy and that when she is ready you'll be there to try again. Ask if there was anything you could have done differently both before and after the miscarriage. And most importantly love her.


----------



## Ello1012

Best thing I can really say is I hope youa nd your wife are feeling better. Be patient, God has allowed all things to happen for a reason, Learn Live laugh in the best type of form and fight for what's the truth and fight for your hearts in the name of the 1 and only, Fight fo ryou rights in the name of the 1 and only. peace is another way to say Islam, In English ameen Asalaam klolPeacE!lol:!)


----------



## katy929

I am so sorry that you and your wife had to go through that. Losing a child is one of the hardest things to happen to someone. It takes a toll on a relationship emotionally. 

Being a female I can tell you I have had 5 miscarriages and I have lost a child at birth. I know for myself I was angry at the world and hated everyone in it. I would argue with people, cuss and scream and finally I just closed myself off. On my sons birthday (the day he passed) I usually take the day off and just stay by myself. I usually become angry but, I do not mean to so I just decided to take the time to myself to spare others feelings to be honest.

I would think about counceling for you both separately or together. When tragic things like this happen people can tend to block feelings out and turn to alcohol or drugs because it is so much easier to drink it down and forget about it instead of facing it head on. You have to feel the emotions of the death to be able to move on from the situation. That is how I personally feel anyways.

I hope everything gets better for you two.


----------



## the guy

Mike,
I just posted in your other thread. Agian until your wife wants to make the behavioral changes and does the heavy lifting to repair this marriage the only thing you can do is let her go for now. It is her choice to comeback with real remores and commitment to repair the marriage with out *her* efforts sometimes we just have to let them go.

I was was one of the few that had a WW that made the behavioral chnges that keep her marriage intack.

And by the way my W had a miscarriage also, it still doesn't excuse her cheating for the last 13 years!


----------



## dmdream

My friends has been trying to conceive for over a year. In the beginning they didn't know how to handle situation as well - drama, fights, blames. But when they went through it together and it finally happened, they became the happiest couple in the world, and got stronger. Do not give up, support your wife, nothing harder for a woman then this. The whole point of marriage is mutual support.


----------

