# Naughty pic sent. Accident or not?



## Lovin Life (Dec 20, 2011)

Let me start by saying Hello to all. This is my first post. Although I’m a new member, I’ve been lurking round here for quite a while. Like so many others, I wish I would have found this years ago. . About me: I am Male, 39, divorced (married 6 years/I left her) and in a new relationship that is getting pretty serious. Looking back, I don’t think I did enough to save my marriage, but it’s too late for that now. We both get along and I am a lot happier for the most part. Although I’m not married now, my "new" gf have been together over a year and we are in “the talks” about it, but no date has been set yet. I’m sorry this is so long, but I wanted to be as detailed as possible before asking for advice. That being said let me get to my dilemma…

My “new” gf and I have a great relationship. It’s not 100% transparent, but we are fairly open with each other. She has guyfriends and I have galfriends that we sometimes communicate with, but nothing out of line. She is fairly literate when it comes to pc’s, but not so much when it comes to her new Macbook. I work in the technology field. She recently had me update her Macbook to the new Lion OS and clean it up, but in the process I found a picture she had emailed about a month ago to a guyfriend that she told me she never dated or fooled around with. It was of her breasts…

Now your first reaction is probably the same as mine, What the F… So I asked her about it and she claimed to not know what I was talking about. I then sent her a screenshot of the message. She replied “wtf is that” and I was honest and told her I found it in her sent items while cleaning up her laptop. She said that they were chatting on facebook (iphone), catching up on old times and she meant to send a picture of her dad & brother to show how big her brother has gotten since he saw him last. Then she said she was embarrassed and “no wonder he never responded”. Now, we agreed in the beginning that it was fine to chat with friends of the opposite sex, “IF” it was nothing out of line and “IF” we told each other when it happened.

I’m really having a hard time believing her on this although she has never flat out lied to me before (that I know of), because there have been some other times when she hasn’t told me about conversations with guyfriends. I would hear her tell her friends “hey, I talked to “insert guy’s name” the other day, etc… I would ask her about it and then she would tell me and has even showed me some of the conversations. They seem to be innocent “how have you been” conversations.

Maybe I’m too trusting, but in her defense, she came from a pretty controlling relationship and I think she doesn’t tell me sometimes because she’s used to being yelled at for talking with ANY guy. I’m not (wasn’t) a jealous person and don’t mind her catching up with old friends, but I think she feels she is avoiding an argument by not telling me because that’s what she’s used to.

Normally, this incident would have been the end for me, but there is a little piece of me that thinks, ok, it “could” have been an accident. I have sent text messages to the wrong person on accident, but it’s a little harder to email the wrong pic from an iPhone. BUT… I’ll tell you why I think there is a slight chance of it being an accident. She has been known to send me a “special pic” when I’m somewhere and she can’t be there. I really enjoy that and on the night in question, she DID send me one of “those pics”. Unfortunately, It was the same pic she sent him. There is a minimal chance the pic she “meant” to send him WAS the last pic in her phone UNTIL she took the one for me and when she went to send it to him, she just picked the last pic in her phone. BUT… she is offering me no other proof that it was an accident other than her word. That “should” be enough, but unfortunately now, I’m confused on how I feel and I think some of the trust I had in her is gone.
After finding the pic, I did look for more of the conversation, but the conversation was from the facebook app on her phone and she claims she deleted it while cleaning up her messages. He lives out of the country, but comes back regularly to visit and I got the “I’d call him right now, but it’s 4am where he is at. Also, a week has passed and she "could have" told him what to say if she did call in the future... 

My question(s) is/are… do I just believe her, accept that there is no other proof it was an accident and get over it? Or do I inquire further? I don’t know this guy, but I have been considering sending him a message (nothing out of line) saying that I am in a relationship with her, we are talking marriage and having kids and I would like to inquire about the conversation prior to and after she sent the pic. I think his response could possibly re-assure me it was an accident, especially if he still has the actual conversation and It proves to be an accident, but now that the trust is broken, I feel he could just send me what she told him to tell me, or he will ask her why i'm messaging him and she will hate me because I told her I would drop it a couple days ago. BUT... It’s still eating at me... A tiny part of me is also worried that he will respond with an answer i don't want to hear such as; that's not the only pic she's sent him or something. I want to believe that she doesn't have any feelings or anything for this guy, but now I'm confused...

I have read on here that when things like this happen it’s not good to just accept it and drop it if it is still bothering you, but I also don’t want to drag it out and make her resent me for pushing the issue if it really was an accident. Also, without proof it was accidental, I unfortunately now think in the back of my mind that maybe she is now going to hide “guyfriend conversations” more because I inquired about this one. Even though we talked about it and she swears she will tell me from now on, the trust has been broken and I will always think she is up to something even though I hate feeling like that.

A side note... Things got better than normal with us after talking about it, and she has even been closer to me than before. But by me being confused now, I take the extra attention two ways...

1. It was an accident and she is sorry so she is being extra nice (the explanation I want). Or

2. She knows she screwed up by purposely sending it and now feels bad so she is being extra nice (not what I want)

I'm so confused... How can I get the trust i had in her back?? I don't want to resort to spying on her or checking her phone, email etc... but no matter what she does or says, in the back of my mind, she is now always up to "something"... Unfortunately, I think the only thing that will 100% put my mind at ease is if I see the actual conversation and it truly was an accident, but she deleted Should I ask him if he still has it? I would still have it as I generally don't erase messages for this exact reason. So I can go back to them if necessary.

Also, If it was on purpose, do I try to live with it and continue in the relationship if "she's sorry and it doesn't happen again" or cut it off before I get hurt more?...

I would really like male and female responses just to get an idea of how each sex thinks about the matter.

Thanx


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

What would you do if some girl sent you a picture of her breasts, when you were expecting a picture of her family?

If it was an accident, she would have known about it, because the guy would have replied with something like, "Nice Rack, but which one is dad?"

The chance of the guy being silent after receiving this picture 'by accident' is pretty much nil.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Gee, I wonder why her past relationships have been "too controlling"

Couldn't have anything to do with her behavior.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

wouldnt believe her for a minute.


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

I think she would have known what pic she sent as you have to choose a pic to send and then confirm it. If she was in a controlling relationship before she met you and couldnt talk to guys then shouldnt she by now believe the fact that you are not like her x as she is talking to guys without you minding about it.


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## Lovin Life (Dec 20, 2011)

SadSamIAm: I do agree with you and I thought the same thing. I would have made that exact same comment. The problem is, she has never given me a reason to think she is unhappy or would look elsewhere. No "red flags" at all. She is extremely excited about the thought of us getting married and having kids and brings it up all the time.

s.k: I brought that up to her, BUT... that's why I said a "minimal" chance of it being an accident. There have been times when I look in my iPhone's camera roll and it shows the wrong pic for the last one I took and it takes a min or so to change or i have to exit out and come back and the pic's are normal. Not often, but I have seen it on my own phone... Or... maybe i'm just naive and don't want to believe it was on purpose.


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

Lovin Life said:


> s.k: I brought that up to her, BUT... that's why I said a "minimal" chance of it being an accident. There have been times when I look in my iPhone's camera roll and it shows the wrong pic for the last one I took and it takes a min or so to change or i have to exit out and come back and the pic's are normal. Not often, but I have seen it on my own phone... Or... maybe i'm just naive and don't want to believe it was on purpose.


If your not totally sure then give her the benefit of the doubt. Of course from an out siders point of view we all have our own thoughts and opinions. If you think you can still be together then go for it just be a bit wary in the future good luck.


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## Lovin Life (Dec 20, 2011)

s.k: thanx for your input. I do want us to work and I am possibly willing to forgive... once... I just don't want to be the fool...

The hardest part obviously is the not knowing for sure. Does anyone think I should contact him, in an adult fashion of course, to see if he still has the conversation or just to get his side? Or would that be just asking for more trouble?


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Lovin Life said:


> SadSamIAm: I do agree with you and I thought the same thing. I would have made that exact same comment. The problem is, she has never given me a reason to think she is unhappy or would look elsewhere. No "red flags" at all. She is extremely excited about the thought of us getting married and having kids and brings it up all the time.


You say no 'red flags' but this email is a red flag. She may be happy, but she is still flirting with other guys. 

Women get excited about getting married and having kids. Doesn't mean they are ready for it.

My guess is you haven't seen many red flags, because you haven't been looking for them.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Did she ever explain why she would have taken a picture of her breasts?


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## Lovin Life (Dec 20, 2011)

SadSamIAm: She ocassionally sends them to me when we are apart, along with little love notes (texts etc..) Kind of a "I miss you and here's what's waiting for you when you get home". I have always enjoyed that since she is the first one to do that for me.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

if you wish to investigate further

get this program and run it on the computer that she syncs her phone with if you can (she isnt your wife so this may be difficult unless you live together and share a computer)

iPhone Backup Extractor for Windows and Mac


this will give you all of the texts she sends including deleted ones, if it was truly an accident then there wouldnt be any more sexting

note, you may have to sync her phone up again to get more recent texts


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I can't answer unless i see the picture in question.


why did she have a picture of her t*ts anywhay........just in case she wanted to email it to her boy friend.

I smell something fishy.....no that would a picture of her P****.

I smell something milky. na that don't have a good ring to it.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

First off you said the pic was attached to an e-mail sent from an iPhone.

What was the content of the actual message?

If it was a discussion about her brothers size that accompanied the pic then it`s obviously an accident.

If it was sexual in nature it was obviously intentional.

Why haven`t you seen the content of the message?
If there was no content but just an attached pic check out what else she`s sent to this guy.
If their conversation has been innocent then I think it was an accident.



> A side note... Things got better than normal with us after talking about it, and she has even been closer to me than before. But by me being confused now, I take the extra attention two ways...
> 
> 1. It was an accident and she is sorry so she is being extra nice (the explanation I want). Or
> 
> 2. She knows she screwed up by purposely sending it and now feels bad so she is being extra nice (not what I want)


There is a third possibility.
She`s guilty and is trying to use intimacy to get you to forget about it.

My wife is a master manipulator in this way.
When something has me pissed she turns up the sex, desire, attraction to obscene levels to make me as content as possible until I decide to just forget about it.

It doesn`t work because I know what she`s doing but it`s been her MO for decades and she can`t help herself.

If her previous boyfriend was as controlling as you say it may be a weapon in her arsenal she`s used to using in such moments.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Lovin Life said:


> Or... maybe i'm just naive and don't want to believe it was on purpose.


:smthumbuping! Ding!! Ding!!! we have a winner.

I have an iPhone and it is next to impossible to send a picture without knowing what you sent. Even if she did somehow send it by accident she would have noticed it immediately. Additionally, there is zero chance that the OM would not have said something to her about it. Thus for her to claim that she never knew before you told her is a lie pure and simple.

If you want to stay with her after this, that is your call. But do not stay with her based on buying into her lie. She knows that she is lying and she knows that in your heart you know that she is lying and she is testing you to see if you will let her get away with it. If you do let her get away with it, you being played for the fool and are giving her the green light to do this again.

Man up. She needs to admit to this and show remorse or you need to move on.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> I can't answer unless i see the picture in question.
> 
> 
> why did she have a picture of her t*ts anywhay........just in case she wanted to email it to her boy friend.
> ...


He said it was the same pic she had previously sent him so it was still on her phone.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I think you should tell her that her story is hard to believe (accident to send that picture) and that you are struggling with it. My guess is she would have a hard time if she found you sent a picture of your c0(k to some girl by accident. She should be understanding of your questioning of her story.

Ask her to show you the rest of her email to this guy, so that you can put this behind you? If she tells you she deleted the emails, tell her that you know how to get them from a backup on her computer. Her reaction will give you your answer.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Lovin Life said:


> SadSamIAm: She ocassionally sends them to me when we are apart, along with little love notes (texts etc..) Kind of a "I miss you and here's what's waiting for you when you get home". I have always enjoyed that since she is the first one to do that for me.


This is great!!! Wish my wife would do things like this!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Y'Know, on second thought I have an iPhone and rarely send pics.

I just sent a pic to my wife to remind myself what the process is.

There is really no way she was unaware of which pic she was sending.

It`s not like PC e-mail where you are attaching a filename to the e-mail through a finder window.
In an iPhone you have to go to the pictures app, bring the pic up, the pic fills the entire screen while you roll through your contact list to find the recipients address.

Her tits were staring her in the face for at least 10-20 second while she was finding his address.

Don`t see how she did it "accidentally"


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

tacoma said:


> He said it was the same pic she had previously sent him so it was still on her phone.


missed that,thanks.


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## Lovin Life (Dec 20, 2011)

chillymorn: sorry, can't re-post the pic... but see two posts above yours for the explanation...

Almostrecovered: I thought about that, but that's what i'm trying to avoid. I've been spied on in the past (for no reason) and it sucks. Granted, she did break the trust...

Tacoma: the conversation took place in the iphone facebook app which won't let you send a pic. The email had no message with it. Just the pic. My first though was why didn't she upload it to facebook and tell him where to find it, but i can see where it may have been easier to just email it.

TRy: I think agree totally and I mentioned that to her. I guess i'm just fooling myself...


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Lovin Life said:


> Tacoma: the conversation took place in the iphone facebook app which won't let you send a pic. The email had no message with it. Just the pic. My first though was why didn't she upload it to facebook and tell him where to find it, but i can see where it may have been easier to just email it.


So check her FaceBook convos and see what`s been said.

if she`s deleted them that`s a real bad red flag.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Tell her youre hurt, pissed and suspicious. See where it goes. 

I dont fool around with that kind of stuff. 

Your wasting energy on speculation. Get some answers today.


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## Lovin Life (Dec 20, 2011)

tacoma: I guess i'd feel like im spying, but the more I read, the more I think it's justified. I'm actually considering telling her it still bothers me like YupItsMe said and "surprise" her with would you mind letting me see your phone (before she can delete anything) and judge from her reaction where to go from there... If she says absolutely not, then there is a problem. If she hands it to me, I don't think under these circumstances i could avoid looking. She's free to look through mine anytime she wants, i've just never thought there was a need to root through hers... until now.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I don`t think it was an accident but I don`t necessarily think it was a deal breaker.
It depends on how she carries herself from here on out.

You sound quite invested in her, if I were in your shoes I would sit her down and have that discussion about marriage and kids and such and ask her if that`s what she eventually wants.

If/when she answers in the affirmative then lay down some boundaries.

Explain to her that the type of committed relationship she wants requires transparency especially after what she`s done by sending the guy this pic.
She should completely understand your position.
If she balks you`re ****ed, she`s not marriage material.

You are also eventually but fairly soon going to have to have a conversation with her about opposite gender friends.
They are honestly never a good thing for a marriage.

I know I`m going to take some flack for saying that but it`s true.

My wife and I have opposite gender "acquaintances" but not friends.
We rarely have any jealousy issues with this situation.

I`d make any engagement with her long enough to judge whether she`s on board with these boundaries.

I`d give her a second chance but only if she was willing to live within these boundaries.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Lovin Life said:


> tacoma: I guess i'd feel like im spying, but the more I read, the more I think it's justified. I'm actually considering telling her it still bothers me like YupItsMe said and "surprise" her with would you mind letting me see your phone (before she can delete anything) and judge from her reaction where to go from there... If she says absolutely not, then there is a problem. If she hands it to me, I don't think under these circumstances i could avoid looking. She's free to look through mine anytime she wants, i've just never thought there was a need to root through hers... until now.



There is a need LL and your request to see her phone and Facebook messages is not at all out of line.
It isn`t spying if you tell her and if she has nothing to hide she`ll hand it over without a word.

The best thing that could happen is her simply telling the truth and admitting she did it.
That would give you a very solid foundation to re-gain trust.

When you have that convo with her about boundaries discuss how she seems to keep things from you out of fear of your reaction.
Tell her you aren`t like her Ex and don`t wish to control her.

The scary part about her stating her ex was controlling is that most men aren`t controlling by nature.
They are pushed into it because their women aren`t trustworthy and the attempt to control is an attempt to keep them from fooling around.
There`s a good chance her Ex had reason not to trust her and became controlling or she interpreted his desperation as being controlling.

I think she`s going to have to change before she`s worthy of marriage but thats most definitely not an impossibility.


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## Lovin Life (Dec 20, 2011)

I do know the "controlling ex" and he is a chauvinist pig. He was a former friend of mine and I don't know how she stayed with him as long as she did. I'll probably get ridiculed for this, but with him, i can see why she would have looked elsewhere... Me on the other hand, I treat her like the princess I thought she was and have given her no reason to look elsewhere. I have read up on Alpha/Beta male behavior and I guess it's time to practice it because treating her like a princess doesn't seem to have worked for me.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Lovin Life said:


> I have read up on Alpha/Beta male behavior and I guess it's time to practice it because treating her like a princess doesn't seem to have worked for me.


Nope, it`s always a very bad idea.

Your woman will eventually lose respect and walk all over you.

The boundaries I mentioned above would be a good step towards a more balanced Alpha/Beta personality.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Lovin Life said:


> I do know the "controlling ex" and he is a chauvinist pig. He was a former friend of mine and I don't know how she stayed with him as long as she did. I'll probably get ridiculed for this, but with him, i can see why she would have looked elsewhere...


Question: Did you leave your wife for this chick and did she leave your fried for you? 

Re: the picture... I don't buy taht she didn't know what picture she sent hte guy friend. I mean, when you send a picture, you look at what you are sending (at least I do). It seems far-fetched she'd have no clue about it. 

Who is the guy friend? Have there ever been any flirtations/past history with them before? What do you know about him? 

Maybe it was an accident, but I just find it really hard to believe she had no clue she sent a picture of her breasts to this dude. Like, what are the chances she would randomly send a picture of her naked breasts to anyone by accident. I would be mortified. But then I don't keep picture or take pictures of my naked self and store them on my phone/computer. 

I would definitely talk to her about why you have doubts and "trust by verify." Def pay attention to the guy friend and like Tacoma said--now is the time to discuss "opposite sex friends." Because if you don't, I foresee a lot of problems. 

Good luck.


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## Lovin Life (Dec 20, 2011)

Jellybeans: Her ex was my friend until I figured out how he was. I didn't leave my ex-wife for "new gf". We had our own problems, one of which was her spying on me for no reason... Ex-gf left ex-bf months after I left ex-wife because of how he treated her (sometimes physical). We did know each other before we got together. We ended up talking occasionally (while both single) and the relationship grew from there.

I guess I knew all of this all along, I just wanted confirmation that I not blowing this out of proportion if it truly was an accident. I guess she should understand my feelings of being hurt by this (accident or not) and if she truly wants it to work, then she is going to have to grant me access to her messages or if she deleted it, then see if the OM still has it to prove it to me the conversation wasn't over the line. I also agree that if it wasn't an accident, it's not necessarily a "deal breaker", but she needs to know that I don't approve of it and it can't happen again.


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## Lovin Life (Dec 20, 2011)

Problem is... i'm so passive that I will still feel like the bad guy for having to do any of this... Like someone said earlier, I guess it's time to man up. If she wants it to work she should totally understand where i'm coming from


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Lovin Life said:


> Problem is... i'm so passive that I will still feel like the bad guy for having to do any of this... Like someone said earlier, I guess it's time to man up. If she wants it to work she should totally understand where i'm coming from


Have a look at Athols blog...

Married Man Sex Life: Nice Guys Finish Last

His e-book is cheap a quick download and read.
Worth the time and the money.

Edit:

When and if you get her phone don`t just focus on the interaction with this guy.
Take it all in even her convos to her girlfriends.
See where her head is at and whether or not the way she presents herself to you is the way she really is.


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## Lovin Life (Dec 20, 2011)

Ha! that's one place where I've been getting my alpha/beta info from already


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## Lovin Life (Dec 20, 2011)

It's funny you mentioned her girlfriends... Just before this all blew up, she showed me a message from her best friend (who I thought didn't like me) saying she can see how happy I make her and that she is happy for both of us. That's part of the reason this pic incident has hit me so hard. She tells everyone how happy she is with me. I've heard it from several other people including her family, friends, my friends and even her co-workers.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Lovin Life said:


> It's funny you mentioned her girlfriends... Just before this all blew up, she showed me a message from her best friend (who I thought didn't like me) saying she can see how happy I make her and that she is happy for both of us. That's part of the reason this pic incident has hit me so hard. She tells everyone how happy she is with me. I've heard it from several other people including her family, friends, my friends and even her co-workers.


As I`ve said, I don`t think it`s a deal breaker and from what you`ve said about her here I believe she may have potential..

BUT..

She does seem to have some ingrained traits of a single person that just aren`t going to be a good thing in a LTR.

You can`t change this about her but you can lay out your boundaries and be a man she finds is worth changing herself for.

Have the talk I posted before, her reaction to it will be a great barometer to find out if she really wants what she says she wants (marriage/commitment) or if she`s not ready for that step.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Lovin Life said:


> Problem is... i'm so passive that I will still feel like the bad guy for having to do any of this... Like someone said earlier, I guess it's time to man up. If she wants it to work she should totally understand where i'm coming from


This will be your downfall if you don't nip this in the bud.

Stand up for youself. Protect yourself. 

I would not plan on getting married to her anytime soon until you know you can trust her for sure.


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## Lovin Life (Dec 20, 2011)

Ok, here’s how I would like to approach the situation from here. Please tell me if I’m going about it the wrong way.

I’m going to sit her down tonight and tell her that this is tearing me up inside and even though I agreed to drop it, I can’t. I want to ask if she’s had contact with this guy since the pic was sent and let her respond. Then I want to surprise her and ask if she has a problem handing me her phone, this second, to look through it uninterrupted. Depending on her answer will decide where the conversation goes from there. If she says no and tells me there’s no reason for me to go through it, I will tell her that I then can only believe she is hiding something and things will probably escalate from there. Then I will contact the OM and ask what their relationship is and if he still has the conversation. If he sends it to me (along with date & time stamps) and it’s not inappropriate, I will apologize to her and hopefully move on. If he doesn’t have it, I’m back where I started, but if he responds with “she’s been flirting and chatting with me non stop”, I know it’s over.

If she says yes and hands it to me, I really feel that I should take the opportunity to see what (if anything) has been going on that she hasn’t told me or already deleted. If I find anything questionable, I will inquire about it immediately. If nothing is found though, that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen, it just means she’s covering her tracks fairly well and I will proceed with caution...

What do you think?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

what makes you think the OM would confess?


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

My guess is that phone will be squeaky clean when he asks for it. She just got nabbed sexting on it. Checking the phone is worthless without a copy of the bill so he can see how much was deleted. And from whom.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Lovin Life said:


> What do you think?


I think the plan stinks. She sent him the picture and you both know it. You doing this dance for her just makes you look foolish and weak. You are trying to avoid making a decision that you do not want to make, so you are looking for a way out.

Tell her that you have thought about it know that she is not telling the truth about the picture. Tell her that you would like to see her phone right now on the spot. Tell that if she refuses she will only be confirming what you already know that she has an inappropriate relationship with another man. Tell her that you will be making your decision on where the relationship is heading based on if she admits the truth and if she gives you the phone. Notice that you are telling her not asking. 

Man up or shut up about her cheating. The whining will just annoy her.


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## Lovin Life (Dec 20, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> what makes you think the OM would confess?


Only reason I could see him owning up is if it was truly an accident.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Lovin Life said:


> Only reason I could see him owning up is if it was truly an accident.


In other words, you are in effect trying to prove her innocent. If she is guilty you would learn nothing more and would be accomplishing nothing by doing this. Great plan, NOT!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

MrK said:


> My guess is that phone will be squeaky clean when he asks for it.


Don't be so sure of that.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

TRy said:


> I think the plan stinks. She sent him the picture and you both know it. You doing this dance for her just makes you look foolish and weak. You are trying to avoid making a decision that you do not want to make, so you are looking for a way out.
> 
> Tell her that you have thought about it know that she is not telling the truth about the picture. Tell her that you would like to see her phone right now on the spot. Tell that if she refuses she will only be confirming what you already know that she has an inappropriate relationship with another man. Tell her that you will be making your decision on where the relationship is heading based on if she admits the truth and if she gives you the phone. Notice that you are telling her not asking.
> 
> Man up or shut up about her cheating. The whining will just annoy her.


One concern is what happens if she gives you the phone and it is clean? What if she uses this as proof that you are suspicious and controlling, all the while denying she sent it on purpose? The OP needs to be prepared for that scenario.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Lovin Life said:


> Only reason I could see him owning up is if it was truly an accident.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Here's the problem...

If it was an accident he'll say it was an accident

If it was intentional he'll say it was an accident
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh Idk. Mayybe he will come straight out and tell the OP the truth if it was something bad. You just neve rknow with people.

Her story seems unbelievable but... he will need to watch her and see how she acts.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Not an accident, and I suspect you want a little too much to believe that is was.

and lets not mince words here...you were snooping in her email too right?


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## Lovin Life (Dec 20, 2011)

No, I was not snooping. She asked me to install the OS and clean out the junk. To me, being in that field, means clearing temp files, emptying the trash, clearing cache and getting rid of older sent and deleted items from email among other things while trying to keep important stuff. I do it every day at work. If I was snooping, I could have easily opened her facebook and read any messages possibly even from her history. I know the ways to go about it, I had just chosen not to do it. I didn’t have the urge to snoop. Now I certainly do, but I will give her the chance to offer any information before that happens. I’ve learned from experience that for the most part, this kind of stuff will always come out in one way or another eventually.

AND yes I am trying (hoping) to prove her innocent. Some may not look at it like I do that, yes, there has been an incident, but just like with a drug dealer, she is innocent until proven guilty. May not be the right way in this case, but that's how I was raised along with treating her with kindness and respect etc...

The phone may be clean and if it is, then I will still be suspicious. Probably more so.

If the OM gives the exact same account that she did, then I will know his response was pre-staged. If he is trying to pursue something with her, he could very well say that this has been going on for a while just to get me out of the picture. Problem solved... She’s out. BUT there is a miniscule chance that he could send me the conversation and it truly was an accident. However unlikely that may be, I really wouldn't want to go through all of this to then be shown the conversation only to find out i am indeed wrong. May be a small chance, but I would be pretty upset if i was accused of something I didn't do and had no way to prove myself because I kept my inbox clean. I haven’t mentioned getting any info from him yet to her and she may say go ahead. She also may say if I do she will leave. Problem solved again.

I really do care a lot for this girl and am willing to work on this (accident or not) as long as I can get her to understand that I can't and won't tolerate it again. I really think I would feel better if she had just said "Yea, i sent it because...insert reason here"


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

Let her know that you care for her but wont be made a fool of and if you ever see anything that crosses the line then i would suggest you let her go and move on with your life but as you dont know the full facts dont judge. As i said before dont seem like an accident but inocent until proven guilty.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

yeah... I am *not*, by a long margin... a prude or repressed or anything like that - but just taking pics of yourself like that and emailing them says something. 'mistake' or not, the picture was taken with the intent of sending it to someone I would guess. What was the original file creation date of the pic? it can be hard to tell for certain. Was it taken recently? if so,why were YOU not the recipient and why WAS it taken? Biology Class?

just thinking.


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## Lovin Life (Dec 20, 2011)

anotherguy said:


> yeah... I am *not*, by a long margin... a prude or repressed or anything like that - but just taking pics of yourself like that and emailing them says something. 'mistake' or not, the picture was taken with the intent of sending it to someone I would guess. What was the original file creation date of the pic? it can be hard to tell for certain. Was it taken recently? if so,why were YOU not the recipient and why WAS it taken? Biology Class?
> 
> just thinking.


I replied a few posts back that it was intended for and sent to me. She occasionally does this when we're apart as a "look what's waiting for you when you get home"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I think you should try to forget about this incident. Don't talk to her about it and don't ask her about it. 

I say this because you won't find out anything and you will just give her ammunition to call you controlling. She knows that you know about the picture, so unless she is stupid, she will be keeping her phone clean.

Proceed with eyes wide open. I am thinking you will start to see some red flags. She will log off the computer when she leaves the room. She will password protect her phone, computer, etc.

Or she might end up being squeaky clean.

I know what I am thinking, but I think only time will tell if your suspicions are correct or not. Asking won't provide you with any answers. 

The quicker way would be to do some snooping, but you have said you are against that.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Any plan that has been discussed, except suck it up, involves accusing your girl of potential infidelity. She should be big enough to understand your concerns, but that will still be highly disruptive to the relationship. If you're going to disrupt, get the info that will give you the most bang for the buck.

1 - Her cell phone, on the spot. He gets to review it and take notes.

2 - They sit down and pull up her cell billing detail on the closest computer. I'm sure you'll just happen to have one handy. Take a lot of notes. 

If you can't read the results, post them here and the experts will tell you if it's affair material. If it's affair material, the pic was deliberate.

The picture will be secondary to what else was going on. Or not. Certain numbers of texts at certain hours reak of affairs, particularly if they are kept secret from you. If there's nothing but a few texts and this picture, you've got nothing. Make your plans from that.

You shouldn't have to apologize for this. There is every chance she sent this pic to him deliberately. A pic was supposed to say "I'm you'rs", to you, if you'll allow me to paraphrase. She then sends it to another man. Wow. 

Second time today I didn't know if I wanted to cry, punch a wall or just barf.


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

I have a very hard time believing that was a mistake. Way too many red flags.

Claiming she didn't know what you were talking about when you confronted her.
Conveniently having deleted all of the conversation afterwards *but obviously missing a chunk which included the nude photo*
Not wanting to talk about it.
Not wanting to confront the other guy immediately to confirm it was an accident (I'd wake my friend up at 4AM if it meant saving my marriage)

If I sent a nude photo to any of my friends, they'd tell me. If I thought I sent a fam pic and got no response, I'd start to wonder why and go back and look at what I'd sent. ESPECIALLY knowing I have nude pics on my phone/ipad/etc.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

I would pretend you've accepted her response and snoop. You're obviously well versed in IT. Do your magic. If she sent you photo also, then it could have been an error. Thought she sent boob photo to you while hitting send to wrong recipient. As an idiot who has done stupid things BBMing (not infidelity related) I could see how a something people think should be obvious - happened. Her response, 'that's why he didn't comment' is pretty cool. Either she's well-versed liar or it was a dumb, half asleep mistake.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bad News (Nov 4, 2010)

Lovin Life said:


> She recently had me update her Macbook to the new Lion OS and clean it up, but in the process I found a picture she had emailed about a month ago to a guyfriend that she told me she never dated or fooled around with. It was of her breasts…


I'm one of those folks who has been accused of indiscretions with circumstantial evidence and there's nothing more annoying when nothing is going on. If she was really trying to hide something why would she let you trouble shoot her computer?

It sounds like the that picture that was sent was meant for you and not a different pic, is the time frame consistent?



> she meant to send a picture of her dad & brother to show how big her brother has gotten since he saw him last.


Does a picture of her dad and brother exist that she says she meant to send?

Also, I would take that Man-up stuff with a grain of salt - its for married guys who aren't getting any. I would also not pursue trying to contact the guy (recipient), its going to make you seem insecure and weak. I would humorously bring up the pic now and then to gauge her reaction, time will tell if she's committed to you or wants to wander. Good luck!


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## Lovin Life (Dec 20, 2011)

Ok, here’s an update for anyone who cares. Seems we were all right to an extent. I confronted her and told her that the incident still bothered me and we needed to talk about it. She went into defense mode then by saying she already told me everything. I told her I still didn’t believe her because it just didn’t make sense. The conversation continued with me doing all the talking and not getting any response, granted it was after midnight as we went x-mas shopping and dinner most of the evening. Finally I brought up the phone and the fact that I thought she was being overly secretive about it and I wanted to go through it uninterrupted. That got her attention, but she made no effort to grab it, just left it on the night stand. She said no I couldn’t go through it (red flag). I said that only means you are hiding something. I got the “no, im not hiding anything, but if we’re at that point in the relationship etc…” Then she really confused me. She got up, went to the bathroom and left the phone sitting right next to me. I didn’t touch it yet as I still wanted her to tell me what was in it before I saw it. She came back and I explained that she is letting the phone and this incident ruin our relationship. I also told her I had a message ready to send to “him”, but didn’t YET, requesting the extent of the conversation. That got her really upset. I asked her why she was protecting him while ruining our relationship. She basically said it was because he had nothing to do with this. He received an accidental pic and that was it. I told her that since I wasn’t getting anything out of her that he would be my next logical step. She then asked me to move my car so she could leave. I told her that nothing in that phone was worth losing our relationship over. She asked me again to move my car. I said fine, I’ll move my car, but the phone stays here (I bought the phone for her on MY birthday no less). I grabbed it off the night stand, and said is this really how you want this to end… Over a stupid phone & facebook? She responded by saying “I guess so”. She never tried taking the phone back though. I told her that’s NOT how I wanted this to go, but if you want to leave I won’t stop you. I then got in my car and left with the phone.

Here’s the interesting part. The conversation WAS STILL THERE from Nov 26th and there was NOTHING out of line. It was just stuff like “How’ve you been” and “how do you like being overseas”. Turns out IT WAS an accident that the pic was sent. The part she was covering up is the fact that he did respond to it. As SadSamIAm stated earlier in this thread, he jokingly responded with “Wow, you can keep sending those kinda pics anytime”. She even apologized to him and told him she was embarrassed. There was nothing else out of line on the phone. There were conversations with other guy friends that I wasn’t told about, but they were nothing more than friendly. I came back a while later surprised to find her still there. I told her that I went through everything and there was nothing in that phone worth losing our relationship over and asked why she didn’t just offer up the phone to prove her innocence and why she lied about the conversation. She said she was just trying to avoid drama between us because she didn’t think I would believe the truth, and when I found the pic she was embarrassed all over again. She said the phone was just principal… that even though there wasn’t anything out of line on it, she didn’t think I needed to be going through it. Things calmed down a little and I told her there was no reason to lie or hide this. I said it would have been a nonissue if she would have just told me about the conversation and that she sent the wrong pic when it happened. I actually would have laughed about it. We basically made up and went to bed. Things were fine this morning and I feel like a 10 ton weight was lifted off my chest.

Long story short (too late), she was only guilty of hiding an innocent conversation, lying to me because she thought it would cause drama between us and she thought I would have resentment towards her guy friend that received the pic by accident.

I still think a lot of this was a result of her controlling ex bf. I even asked her if the phone/facebook was the reason he was so controlling and if we were going through the same thing they went through. She said “sort of”. Then she told me that he would get on her facebook and message ALL her guy friends (not just old flames, etc) and ask them if she’s ever slept with them. He would also delete her guy friends just because he felt threatened by them. I know him and that sounds exactly like something he would do. 
Although her lying and hiding this incident was wrong in my opinion, I can see where she’s coming from after talking to her. I explained that I am not her ex and even through this whole incident, I never raised my voice or acted threatening in any way and all I have ever asked from her is to be honest, not hide things from me and don’t cheat on me. I explained that even though she thought she was protecting “us”, she has broken two of the three rules and that we needed to work on the trust issue from both sides. Her side: trusting that I won’t just freak out on her over stupid stuff and act like her ex. My side: I told her that because she lied and hid this, I did lose some trust in her and all she had to do was be open and honest from now on and it wouldn’t take long to earn it back.

I would like to thank everyone for their responses to this. A lot of them have opened my eyes and even made me see some things differently. I will definitely continue reading through here and hopefully learn more.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I guyfriend of mine once sent me a pic of his penis...on accident. I never laughed so hard. He was drunk and he meant to send it to someone else. Oh well. :rofl:

I told my BF at the time and he laughed too, because he knew me and this guy had nothing...just friends.

I still tease my friend about that too.


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## Lovin Life (Dec 20, 2011)

yea, i've sent the wrong message to the wrong person many times... Just not of my junk. I still communicate with my ex occasionally and and almost sent the "i love u with all my heart message" meant for my current gf to her on accident... don't want to give her the wrong impression...


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I'm glad this had a happy ending. But I hate the way she reacted by lying about the guy responding. That would definitely set off alarm bells for any man. We all know we would never let a pic like that go with a no comment.

So your reaction was HER doing. Not your own.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Wow! I really didn't expect the picture to be an accident. She could have avoided all the drama by admitting that the guy replied to her message and that she was really embarrassed. She could have just shown you the message and his response. The part I found unbelievable was that she never heard from this guy after sending the picture.

She should have seen how bad this looked. She should have shown you the proof. 

I think her not telling you was a test. She was testing how controlling you are. 

I think you passed the test. You were very respectful, but not a doormat.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

I dunno. She was willing to leave OVER HER PHONE.

Things may seem all right for now... but there are some real underlying problems, here. Good luck...


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## Lovin Life (Dec 20, 2011)

sinnister: I am happy too. We really do get along great together besides this particular incident. And, that's exactly what I told her... That I never would have been suspicious or wanted to check up on her if she would have told me the truth to begin with. I said that if, while in the process of catching up with an old friend, you sent a "boobie pic" meant for me by mistake, I would have laughed, joked about it and forgot it. Ok, so i guess I lied to her too... I wouldn't have forgotten it, I would joke give her hell about it for the rest of her life


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Lovin Life said:


> As SadSamIAm stated earlier in this thread, *he jokingly responded with “Wow, you can keep sending those kinda pics anytime”.* She even apologized to him and told him she was embarrassed. There was nothing else out of line on the phone.


Interesting, Did you ask her why she claimed he never responded when he got the pic?


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## Lovin Life (Dec 20, 2011)

Unsure in Seattle: I took the "leaving" as another test to see if I would give in. Since she didn't leave, I think she realized that she was wrong and it wasn't worth it in the long run. I also think that's why she ended up talking to me in the end. I do believe she has some emotional and trust issues as a result of her controlling ex bf and we'll just have to (and she's agreed to) work on those. She's really not a bad girl like this incident makes her out to be. The hard part for everybody on her reading this, is you only know the short story i've posted here. You guys have only seen the one bad incident I brought to you as opposed to all the wonderful ones we've had. We haven't had any seriously bad incidents other than this one and I didn't know how to approach it. That's the reason I asked for advice.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Interesting, Did you ask her why she claimed he never responded when he got the pic?


I presume it was to save herself even further embarrasment.

SadSam was spot on, all the guys know that boobie pics will NEVER kill a conversation (unless it is their own mothers). If you think her story holds water than go with that, seems you have no other reasons to be paranoid?


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## Lovin Life (Dec 20, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Interesting, Did you ask her why she claimed he never responded when he got the pic?


Yes, she said that she was embarrassed that it happened, and thought that I would feel better if there was no more communication between them after the pic was sent. Also she said she didn't want me to resent her friend for the comment he made (basically enjoying the pic). I told her that I have to admit, I wouldn't close my eyes if one of our female friends sent me a pic like that. I also said that "I would absolutely have done/said the same kinda thing he did... and then immediately showed you..."  That got a smile out of her


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## Lovin Life (Dec 20, 2011)

Lon said:


> I presume it was to save herself even further embarrasment.
> 
> Exactly...
> 
> SadSam was spot on, all the guys know that boobie pics will NEVER kill a conversation (unless it is their own mothers). If you think her story holds water than go with that, seems you have no other reasons to be paranoid?


There's no reason to be "paranoid", but I did tell her that I may question her immediately if i see something suspicious even if it's nothing until she can prove to me that she is being open and honest again


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Sounds like this conversation's pretty much over.

You want to interpret this kindly, so you will.


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## Lovin Life (Dec 20, 2011)

Conrad said:


> You want to interpret this kindly, so you will.


That's just the kind of guy I am...


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Sorry. Happy endings don't happen here. I'm not buying it.

You now need part 2 of your research. Look at her cell bill. Look at the detail. See how many emails were erased. I'll never understand why they erase some not others. If you're going to erase, do them all. 

Download into a spreadsheet and sort by ph #. I'll bet you'll be surprised how much she texts these guy friends. 

Minimum, you need to watch her. I just find it funny that a pic of her ta-ta's and this guys email address would be in such close proximity that this mistake could happen. And why this guy?


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

MrK said:


> My guess is that phone will be squeaky clean when he asks for it. She just got nabbed sexting on it.


That MrK is pretty smart. She even left it out as bait and he swallowed it up: Hook, line and sinker.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I think these guys may be correct that she is covering something. They may not be correct. Her story is believable. 

People here are paranoid and think that if something looks like cheating, then it is cheating. 

I say give her the benefit of the doubt this time. But keep your eyes and ears open. If you have access to phone/email logs then take a look for more smoking guns.


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## Lovin Life (Dec 20, 2011)

I guess the _general_ thought around here is that if you catch someone cheating, they are cheating. But if you don't catch them, they are still cheating, just hiding it very well... I'm sorry, I don't agree with that. I am a very positive person and maybe some of the negative attitudes just might be the reason you're in here... Yes, I know i'm in here too, but I came in with the attitude that I wanted to save this relationship, not whine on why it was failing.

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate all the comments and opinions I received on here, after all, that's why I came here, but just because _someones_ significant other wronged _them_, doesn't mean they _all_ do.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Lovin Life said:


> I guess the _general_ thought around here is that if you catch someone cheating, they are cheating. But if you don't catch them, they are still cheating, just hiding it very well... I'm sorry, I don't agree with that. I am a very positive person and maybe some of the negative attitudes just might be the reason you're in here... Yes, I know i'm in here too, but I came in with the attitude that I wanted to save this relationship, not whine on why it was failing.
> 
> Don't get me wrong, I appreciate all the comments and opinions I received on here, after all, that's why I came here, but just because _someones_ significant other wronged _them_, doesn't mean they _all_ do.


I would not take that away from this advice. What I would take away is to forgive, but keep your eyes open. There are some actions by her that are interesting and could go either way. Remember, she did lie to you about a not unimportant thing. Just be careful and don't go forgetting about what happened just because you are relieved that you got the answer you wanted.


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## Lovin Life (Dec 20, 2011)

Tall Average Guy: I agree totally. Yes she did lie about an unimportant thing and I am keeping my eyes open, I'm just not going "big brother" on her ass. Keeping your eyes open is all anyone can do to start, but you don't have to have "cheating blinders" on either. 

To me this relationship is still "new" 1yr together, 6mo living together. All of the official boundaries obviously haven't been set yet. She now knows she crossed one by lying about the conversation whether it was to avoid drama or not.

Every case is different and I have been cheated on in the distant past. I didn't like it at all, but that doesn't mean that every girl i get involved with is going to do that to me. Everyone in here has told a lie at some point. Some worse than others and I do believe there are lies ranging from harmless like lying about what you got someone for christmas, to medium lies such as in my case. She lied to avoid unnecessary drama. All the way to Very bad which would involve cheating etc... And they all deserve different consequences depending on the severity. Punishment should fit the crime scenario. Not "hang'em all"

As I stated above, in my case, I will be leery until she proves to me that I can trust her again and I told her that. 

I'm sure the next negative response is that she is going to go "underground" and hide it better. I doubt it, but if she does, I'll deal with it then. Till then I'm going to enjoy every second I can with her.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

what about complete transparency?
is she willing to let you see her phone just when ever? you too?
trading passwords to e-mail and any other accounts?
i feel any people in a serious committed should be willing to do this, no questions asked.
whether they use any of it is one thing, but i think they should be willing.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

LL if you recall I started my postings off in this thread leaning towards her innocence.

Now you believe you have it and that`s fine BUT please keep an eye on her because there are a few things I still don`t understand about the story.

First and foremost I keep trying to figure out how I could send a photo on an iPhone without the damn thing staring me in the face for a decent amount of time on a 3.5 inch screen.
I find it very hard to believe you can accidentally send the wrong photo from an iPhone just considering the process involved.

Second, she lied about the conversation she had when the pic was sent.

If I were you at this point I`d drop it but be very wary man.
Somethings not right.

As a disclaimer, I don`t have the bias associated with a partner cheating as infidelity is not why I`m on this forum so my view isn`t colored by any bitterness or cynicism beyond what life in general has instilled in me.


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## Trojan John (Sep 30, 2011)

Actually, there is a bug in the facebook-iPhone app. My friends and I spent the evening trying to upload and tag photos of our event and 100% of the time the wrong photo got posted. We were drinking, certainly, but we weren't that far gone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lovin Life (Dec 20, 2011)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> what about complete transparency?
> is she willing to let you see her phone just when ever? you too?
> trading passwords to e-mail and any other accounts?
> i feel any people in a serious committed should be willing to do this, no questions asked.
> whether they use any of it is one thing, but i think they should be willing.


I'm all for complete transparency, but I can understand why some people may not be so keen to it. One thing I've learned on this forum is that there is a difference between secrecy and privacy. I now think even in a marriage, there should be some privacy, but no secrecy. I have an app on my phone which is password protected and she doesn't know the password. I'm not hiding anything, she can look any time she wants. I just have to let her in. I got it to "hide" the photos in question from other prying eyes and also she has a habit of deleting pics of her that I have taken if she doesn't like the way she looks in them. I save them in there so she can't delete them. She knows it's there and has asked to see what's in there before and i've showed her. Her phone is not password protected and I can look at it any time I want, I just don't. If I wanted to "spy", I can look when she showers etc... I don't. For some reason, I feel guilty about it. She leaves her phone laying around and I know her laptop password. She knows that I have the ability to "snoop" in other ways just because of my technical background. I will admit that I now have the "urge" to look occasionally, but coming from my marriage where I was spied on, I know how she would feel if she caught me. I would rather you ask me to see my messages than try to snoop when I'm not looking. Before we were living together, I did catch her "snooping" on my phone although she didn't know i knew. I let it happen a couple of times and then questioned her on it. She said she was worried since we were a new relationship that I may still be "playing the field". I assured her I wasn't and told her just ask me and she can look any time she wants. I have caught her snooping again, but if it makes her realize that I'm not doing anything, then have at it. Although I don't think she would like me snooping on her, if she didn't want me on her phone, it would have a password, and she would log out of her facebook app etc.


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## speakingforsomemen (Dec 12, 2011)

you know, same thing happened to me. I was sending a picture of the cat to my mother in law, let me back up, I was actually in the restroom, I had the camera turned around, wallah, somehow pressed send. My mother in law nevber looks at me the same. I swear it was a mistake. I was supposed to send a picture of furball, thats the cats name of course.


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## Lovin Life (Dec 20, 2011)

tacoma said:


> LL if you recall I started my postings off in this thread leaning towards her innocence.
> 
> Now you believe you have it and that`s fine BUT please keep an eye on her because there are a few things I still don`t understand about the story.
> 
> ...


You are absolutely right. I know and told her how it is next to impossible to send a photo via email on an iPhone without seeing it. If she would have texted it to him, then I could see her sending it to the wrong person. I've done it... 

Unfortunately, the more I think about it, the more I am starting to agree with the rest of you. Not just because she would have seen the photo, but other minor things too. OR... maybe you're just making me paranoid... Probably the first one... I do have "love blinders" on and like so many others, I'm starting to think that I just don't want to believe she would do that to me. Now I'm right back where I started...


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Lovin Life said:


> You are absolutely right. I know and told her how it is next to impossible to send a photo via email on an iPhone without seeing it. If she would have texted it to him, then I could see her sending it to the wrong person. I've done it...
> 
> Unfortunately, the more I think about it, the more I am starting to agree with the rest of you. Not just because she would have seen the photo, but other minor things too. OR... maybe you're just making me paranoid... Probably the first one... I do have "love blinders" on and like so many others, I'm starting to think that I just don't want to believe she would do that to me. Now I'm right back where I started...


Don`t do that to yourself.

This place will make you paranoid.

I don`t necessarily think this is a big problem.

Take my advice and let this one go as it`s quite possible it is mostly a misunderstanding and really bad communication.

Be aware this situation ain`t quite right and keep your eyes open on her.

You`ve set your boundaries just make sure she respects them in the future.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Take my advice and let this one go as it`s quite possible it is mostly a misunderstanding and really bad communication.
> 
> Be aware this situation ain`t quite right and keep your eyes open on her.
> 
> You`ve set your boundaries just make sure she respects them in the future.


:iagree:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Lovin Life said:


> Unfortunately, the more I think about it, the more I am starting to agree with the rest of you. Not just because she would have seen the photo, *but other minor things too*. OR... maybe you're just making me paranoid... Probably the first one... I do have "love blinders" on and like so many others, I'm starting to think that I just don't want to believe she would do that to me.


Elaborate on the bolded part. 

Oh and I do agree you have blinders on. But everyone does when they fall in love. 

You are in love, right?


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## Lovin Life (Dec 20, 2011)

Absolutely in love! as far as the bolded item, i'm just starting to think it wasn't just principal that she didn't want to fess up her phone when I mentioned it. Not the fact that she didn't want to, but after I did take it and left, she got on her laptop and changed the fb password, but not before I got through what I needed to. At first I chalked it up to she was gonna leave and didn't want me to access it from then on or post something stupid on her profile. I would have done the same thing and changed mine, but looking back I think maybe she wasn't sure if she "cleaned house" good enough. Who knows... I am going to take the advice given, suck this one up and just keep my eyes wide open. Problem is, now I have that sick feeling again that I had before our talk that went away after it.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I have an iphone but have never sent a photo as an attachment to an email.

I just did it and unless there is another way, I have a hard time believing you could send the wrong one by accident. 

I went into mail and created a new message, but I can't attach a photo. The only way I could do it was to go into the photos and bring up the photo on the phone, then click on the icon at the bottom and choose 'Email Photo'. Then the mail program comes up where you can choose who to email the photo to.

So you see the full photo when choosing it, then you see the full photo again when looking at the email.

After doing this myself, I am not sure I would believe this picture was sent by accident.

Might be uncomfortable, but you might want to have her show you how she actually sent the photo. Once she sees that you see how obvious the picture is, she might admit to it not being a mistake.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

You can call me paranoid. You would too if you heard the lies of a cheating partner. I heard so many "white" lies it boggles my mind to this day. "he's just a friend" "nothing's going on" "I deleted the messages on accident" "You're being paranoid" "I would never do anything like that" "I don't even like him, he's ugly" "it was just a game"

It's hard not to be bitter after that, but I swore on that day I'd always trust my instincts. It turns out that my gut feeling that something wasn't right was 100% right.

You're here, that's a good sign you think something isn't right. You're justified in going super snoop on her ass because of what you saw and the fact she lied about the conversation. If it turns out your wrong, fine. You already violated the first rule in exposing a cheater though, you gave up your source of info.

Look at her phone records, there's no lying about that. Tell her not to delete her texts anymore. If she does, you know she's hiding something. If she doesn't, you can run them through this program on your computer that checks for deleted messages.

I would put 0 trust in whatever this guy has to tell you. In fact, I would go the opposite route. Send him an email from her account to try and pry info out of him. The guy has no reason to tell you the truth, and probably won't if it means he pisses her off. I sent a message to my wife's EA partner before I knew anything was going on to "check him out." He passed that test with flying colors.....right after he got naked pictures of my wife and was talking about having a 3day sex fest with my wife and how he was going to screw her so hard she couldn't walk straight.


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## Lovin Life (Dec 20, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> I have an iphone but have never sent a photo as an attachment to an email.
> 
> I just did it and unless there is another way, I have a hard time believing you could send the wrong one by accident.
> 
> ...


I had her do it in front of me to show her that it was next to impossible to send the wrong one. She can be in a hurry sometimes and not pay attention, so after the talk and seeing the conversation I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

There are 3 ways (i know of) to send a photo through email on the iphone....

1. View it full size and send as email
2. Select the thumbnail and select send as email (what i figured she did)
3. Copy & paste the thumbnail or full size pic

All of which show you the pic full size before you send it. That's where all of this started... and why i'm back to square one... I just used the exact pic in question thinking maybe the "naughty parts" were down below where she couldn't see them and without paying attention, hit send. Nope, they were in full view...


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Lovin Life said:


> Problem is, now I have that sick feeling again that I had before our talk that went away after it.


Again, this place can make you paranoid.
It does it to me and my wife`s not given me any inkling that she could possibly be cheating.


Here`s another bit of advice to maybe ease your mind just slightly.

Now, you know somethings off just a little bit and are unable to put it together exactly.It`s off by fractions and without more info (which might not exist) you`ll never get it to fit right.

So drop it, BUT now that there`s this tiny little red flag flying in your head you`ll be looking at things she does and says in a slightly different light for awhile and if anything is going on you`re much more likely to see it happening when and if more little flags rise up.
If another does rise don`t say anything and start checking up on her more in depth, wait to confront until you do have something tangible.
If she`s innocent and nothing ever comes up the feelings you have will quickly fade and you`ll be back to your normal self concerning her.
If another little flag does rise you`re in a better position to catch it and find something tangible to confront with.


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## Lovin Life (Dec 20, 2011)

COguy said:


> You can call me paranoid. You would too if you heard the lies of a cheating partner. I heard so many "white" lies it boggles my mind to this day. "he's just a friend" "nothing's going on" "I deleted the messages on accident" "You're being paranoid" "I would never do anything like that" "I don't even like him, he's ugly" "it was just a game"
> 
> It's hard not to be bitter after that, but I swore on that day I'd always trust my instincts. It turns out that my gut feeling that something wasn't right was 100% right.
> 
> ...


I see where you are coming from. I've been cheated on in the past and fell for the lies as well. I do know from family discussion that this guy "was" just a friend when hey hung out. She was dating someone else at that time. She and her dad have openly talked about him (and other friends) in front of me as in "How's he doing over seas" etc... But this is normal as her dad is/was very active in her and her brothers sports and knew all her friends guys and gals. I don't think that this is going to turn into a PA and if it does, it won't be anytime soon, and like i said a few posts back, I wouldn't have been upset about the pic if she would have told me and not lied about it. I don't think it would have been a total deal breaker either if she sent it on purpose, but fessed up to it and apologized. If it happened again, then it would have been an issue


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## Lovin Life (Dec 20, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Again, this place can make you paranoid.
> It does it to me and my wife`s not given me any inkling that she could possibly be cheating.
> 
> 
> ...


That's exactly what I plan to do. The hard part is keeping it from her that I am still concerned. Not that she can read me like a book, we spent 4-5 hours together without her suspecting anything was wrong, but when it came time, she knew right away that we were about to have "the talk" without me saying anything. I got the "what's wrong?"

I still don't think this situation is anything for me to tell her to shove off even if the pic was sent on purpose. As long as it doesn't happen again and she doesn't lie to me. But I also don't want to waste my time or be a fool either.

One thing that was never mentioned by me is that she is extremely beautiful (not just in my eyes) and gets hit on all the time. I have seen her shoot guys down and I have been told that she done it. I also know she gets the random guys on fb hitting on her and that has never bothered me. As far as that goes, I knew that would happen from the beginning and accepted it. _To my knowledge_, she has always shot them all down... The guy in question was/is a friend, but I don't know how close now...


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

From your replies you seem to have not learned critical life lessons and sounds like you're setting yourself up to get screwed over again. The fact that sending naked pictures of herself to a "friend" wouldn't be a dealbreaker after only a year of dating tells me that you have no self-respect and serious personal issues, especially after you've already been cheated on.

This line is also telling, "I don't think that this is going to turn into a PA". First, an EA is just as bad. Second, if she's sending pictures of her tits on purpose, why would you think that hasn't or wouldn't immediately turn to a PA? No women who wouldn't have a PA would do that.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

COguy

Everyone is different and we all have our own personal Boundaries.

This situation is suspicious but there's not enough objective evidence to go breaking up a promising relationship over it.

The fact that the OP came here at all is evidence his eyes are open.
He's dealing with it well in my opinion and apparently in his and in such an unknown situation that's all he can do.

It's also no at all a fact that an EA is the same as a PA.
Ask any man, most will tell you they could forgive an EA but never a PA.

So apparently many see It differently
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I do not believe the pic was sent by accident. At all. I don't have iPhone but I have an Android and it shows you the picture you are sending before and AFTER you send it. In fact, it makes you select the picture you want to send... it's a process of picking and choosing it and then typing in the recipient's name and #.

Nonetheless... OP has chosen to believe her word.

So OP, all I can tell you is moving forward: TRUST but VERIFY.


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## DailyGrind (Jun 27, 2010)

I think you guys are missing the point that the pic was sent through the iPhone facebook app(as I understand it). That process is apparently different than straight through the phone. Others have posted, through that app, it could happen. I think the OP has a good handle on the situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

DailyGrind said:


> I think you guys are missing the point that the pic was sent through the iPhone facebook app(as I understand it). That process is apparently different than straight through the phone. Others have posted, through that app, it could happen. I think the OP has a good handle on the situation.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No actually he specified she sent it through e-mail which well..is pretty damn impossible to mistake which pic you`re sending.

I still think he`s dealing with it well.


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## DailyGrind (Jun 27, 2010)

Oh...well...if it WAS email....yeah...no accident. But didn't he say he saw the text exchange...and it indicated she was embarrassed after? I guess I missed something. It seemed, after confronting, evidence indicated accidental.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

DailyGrind said:


> Oh...well...if it WAS email....yeah...no accident. But didn't he say he saw the text exchange...and it indicated she was embarrassed after? I guess I missed something. It seemed, after confronting, evidence indicated accidental.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It was a bit confusing.

They were messaging through FB but she sent the pic through email..I think.


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## halfway (Dec 22, 2011)

Can't blame ya for overreacting with all the news on sexting and stuff all over the news these day it seems like the new frontier of cheating.


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## DailyGrind (Jun 27, 2010)

halfway said:


> Can't blame ya for overreacting with all the news on sexting and stuff all over the news these day it seems like the new frontier of cheating.


No kidding! I swear...every time I see a woman (anywhere...street, shopping, park, etc.)....my first thought is "she's cheating." Man...what a wharped thought process. I guess...it will be my trigger for a while. {sigh}


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^^ Really?! That is no good. 

Women do shop and park and walk on the street... that doe snot mean they are cheating. You may want to get therapy for that.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Here's the problem. I think that the folks who think it was deliberate have to admit to the fact that there is a chance it was an accident. As long as that's all he has to go on, he has to accept her story. 

My problem stems around why he is concentrating on a single email. That alone is not going to help him, and he knows it. What he needs to do is snoop outside of this single incident. Has he looked into her relationship on facebook? And texts. Why hasn't he looked at how much she texts and talks to this guy? This single incident with NO other smoke give credence to the thought that it probably WAS a single accident. Hundreds of texts a month and phone calls when hubby's gone, and a picture of her funbagss is the least of his issues.

You - "I'm sorry. I still don't have closure. Let's talk about how well you know this guy and how much you communicate with him". Then start your newfound transparency at a PC with her cell providers billing website on the screen.


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## DailyGrind (Jun 27, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> ^^ Really?! That is no good.
> 
> Women do shop and park and walk on the street... that doe snot mean they are cheating. You may want to get therapy for that.


I know. It's just a kneejerk reaction. That being said...yes...I am pursuing IC. But....we all have our triggers. I KNOW rationally one thing. I mean...I don't text...but I do email a LOT for work, on my iPhone. But....triggers are triggers afterall.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I don't know.

These two aren't married, in a young relationship, that kind of transparency can be very off putting to someone who has recently spent time single.
It would be a shame to trash a potential LTR over what could be an isolated incident, mistake, or boundary problem.

I'm sticking with the drop it but keep your eyes open advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> ^^ Really?! That is no good.
> 
> Women do shop and park and walk on the street... that doe snot mean they are cheating. You may want to get therapy for that.


Doe snot is really gross.


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## DailyGrind (Jun 27, 2010)

tacoma said:


> I don't know.
> 
> These two aren't married, in a young relationship, that kind of transparency can be very off putting to someone who has recently spent time single.
> It would be a shame to trash a potential LTR over what could be an isolated incident, mistake, or boundary problem.
> ...


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


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## DailyGrind (Jun 27, 2010)

Conrad said:


> Doe snot is really gross.


:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

tacoma said:


> I don't know.
> 
> These two aren't married, in a young relationship, that kind of transparency can be very off putting to someone who has recently spent time single.
> It would be a shame to trash a potential LTR over what could be an isolated incident, mistake, or boundary problem.
> ...


:iagree: And don't have babies or propose marriage for a while


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Just look at her cell bill.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Lovin Life said:


> That's exactly what I plan to do. T
> 
> I still don't think this situation is anything for me to tell her to shove off even if the pic was sent on purpose. As long as it doesn't happen again and she doesn't lie to me. But I also don't want to waste my time or be a fool either.
> *You are kidding right? WAKE UP. This woman is disrespecting you. treating you as a fool and you are giving it a pass!*
> ...


Good luck


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