# BS with strong cuckolding impulses



## lookingforsupport (May 13, 2013)

I am not 100% sure this is the right place for this, but it certainly relates to my infidelity and I'm sure there are people here who may have helpful thoughts.

Quick background: I'm the WS. D-Day was 6 weeks ago, though the PA had ended 9 months before that. We are living together, fully in R mode, and having many positive days and moments. IC and MC weekly.

But she's still super angry with me, and her thoughts often turn to hurting me or getting back at me. Lately her focus has been on having a revenge ONS, which she could tell me about afterward in order to even the score and protect herself a bit from her fear that we will R and then I will screw up again. Honestly, I'm not sure she'd ever go through with anything, but she's clearly enjoying telling me that it might happen, even during sex. Her take is that I can't object, and she doesn't care if I do, since I've already ruined the specialness of that part of our marriage (it was a pure PA, no emotional content really).

Is this a phase? Did others go through this? And crazy question maybe: might it be helpful for her to recover from the pain I've caused if she did? Honestly, I'd cut off my arm if I thought it would relieve her from the sadness and disappointment.


----------



## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Yes, it's a phase.....but she could carry it out if she feels you are not remorseful. What has been your marital history...how long married, etc.. You need to gauge how likely she is to go through it. 

That threat to cheat is coming from a place of fear, pain and trying to regain power in the marriage. She feels you tasted forbidden fruit and have the knowledge but tell her to stay "inside the lines".... 

Here is the kicker about infidelity...and I think it's especially true of women( and let's face it, aren't we sick of women being labeled frigid or dis-interested in sex?) ... Passion...both partners want it, crave it and there is nothing more powerful than the erotic pull of being swept up in that. What goes un-noticed is that she very much wanted to feel all that but was able to protect her fidelity to you. 

You need to re-discover that erotic power within your relationship along with the repair work....that will be never ending. There is no safe zone or fixed marriage state. It must always be pulsing. 


If she did go there......it might make her feel desired and _even_ again but the real problem is not that other men wouldn't crave her, it's that she wants YOU to crave her that way. See her, smell her, remember her and rediscover her. She's been waiting the whole time.


----------



## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

How would you really feel if she was with another man? I mean, yes you betrayed her. That's obviously bad. My wife betrayed me, but I don't recall throwing out comments about sleeping with another woman especially during sex.

I think "allowing" something like that to happen purely for evening the odds, if you will, would be more traumatic to your reconciliation.

Again one of the biggest questions is...and don't make yourself a martyr to answer it...how would you truly feel if that happened? If she had what amounts to meaningless sex with another man.


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Are you saying that you enjoy hearing her talk about being with another man or that you enjoy thinking about her being with another man?


----------



## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

First of all, it will not be helpful at all if she follows through. I know from experience, it will make things worse. She will feel resentful and guilty at the same time and blame you for both. Second, although it may be a phase, if she holds on to this resentment there's a very good chance she will follow through. Also, in my opinion, it is totally inappropriate for her to continually throw that in your face, especially during sex. She's already taking revenge that way. Either she wants R or she doesn't. If she wants R then she has to do her part and work on eventually letting it go. If she doesn't, then she needs to leave. I've put my WW through a lot, questions, emotional outburst, etc. But I don't continually throw her A in her face or threaten to take revenge. I have forgiven her and I'm working on trusting her again. That part may take awhile, but I'm trying. But I don't see any benefit in destroying her trust in me, or ruining her self esteem any more than it already is.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Unless you taunted her with your infidelity the "score" will not be even. Not even.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm thinking its just a phase. Right now she is not in the right frame of mind and any attemp to try a revenge affair might end up with your old lady b1tching and complaining about you...there by making the other guy run away. LOL

What sucks is years from now she just might find the right guy to fill what ever need she has at that picticular time to get what she wants, just like you got what you wanted no matter what.

There are tools out there that can help the both of you in affair proofing the marriage, it just takes the time to seek them out and do the heavy lifting to learn them and use them.

Dude if your old lady is that wacked in working on hurting you then maybe thats way you bailed on the marriage in the 1st place,and maybe its time *you* do the heavy lifting to except your consequences and walk away instead of having your cake and eating it too.

Its been my experience, that no matter how many guys she screws around with behind your back it will never take the pain you caused her. That is why no matter how many times my chick wanted to let me phuck some other chick it will never change the fact that I was betrayed at a level that will never compare to letting me bang some strange for the night.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Its not about revenge, the real deal is the betrayal and if your old lady goes down that road then is there any real betrayal.....or is it just revenge.

Your old lady ain't going to feel any different seeking revenge by getting some strange cuz at the end of the day it was the lies and deciet you did that hurt the most!


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

hurting you ain't going to make her feel any better. She can have a whole team pull a train and sure it will hurt you, but it will not heal her.

My point is your old lady has to step back and deal with how she can heal for her self and not figure out how to hurt you.

YOU PHUCKED UP AND YOUR CHICK WILL NEVER BE THE SAME!!!!!!!!

I hope some day she realizes this isn't about you and takes the step to heal her self with or with out you...hurting you accomplishes nothing for her..........with regards to banging other dudes.....if she wanted to really hurt you she would bail on you....now that would hurt!


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

she is lashing out at you---she wants you to hurt like she hurts-

--all you can do is hope, that she won't lower herself to the level of cheating----and that she will keep her integrity, and self respect


----------



## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> Are you saying that you enjoy hearing her talk about being with another man or that you enjoy thinking about her being with another man?


OP never answered this. I think it drives to the heart of the matter. If he's getting some sort of thrill out of this, well, that's a nother issue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

lookingforsupport said:


> I am not 100% sure this is the right place for this, but it certainly relates to my infidelity and I'm sure there are people here who may have helpful thoughts.
> 
> Quick background: I'm the WS. D-Day was 6 weeks ago, though the PA had ended 9 months before that. We are living together, fully in R mode, and having many positive days and moments. IC and MC weekly.
> 
> ...


This happened in the reverse with us. My wife cheated, I had a revenge affair.

The revenge affair hurt me more than my wife's affair hurt me.

It's a great fantasy, but an incredibly nasty reality.


----------



## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> This happened in the reverse with us. My wife cheated, I had (by accident) a revenge affair.
> 
> The revenge affair hurt me more than my wife's affair hurt me.
> 
> It's a great fantasy, but an incredibly nasty reality.


Just curious Matt, but was it a PA or EA? I think it's sort if a natural want to explore after you find out about a Ww spouse. Just being honest, but I've found myself engaging with women more often lately. Nothing serious. Got a hair cut the other day, and was flirting prettyhard with the girl. After a hot towel wrap on my face and scalp massage, which progressed to a shoulder rub, I had to stop myself from asking her for coffee. The human contact, her smile and laugh, just felt amazing. In our convo, she brought up that her bf was out of town the next day, so she had nothing going on. I thought it was probably just an innocent comment, but considered maybe it was an opening for something.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Hair Mechanix, Shadow?


----------



## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> Hair Mechanix, Shadow?


No, just a chain place, caters to men. She was....well put together, tats, seemed fun
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Brokenshadow said:


> No, just a chain place, caters to men. She was....well put together, tats, seemed fun
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sounds just like the place, Hair Mechanix we got here. Hot chicks who give the works like you described and for $17. It's decked out with Craftsman tool sh-t all over and diamond plated floors. Pretty sweet. Again...the hot chicks are a bone us.


----------



## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> Sounds just like the place, Hair Mechanix we got here. Hot chicks who give the works like you described and for $17. It's decked out with Craftsman tool sh-t all over and diamond plated floors. Pretty sweet. Again...the hot chicks are a bone us.


Regarding the hot chicks, yes. Yes, that would be my thought at the time, haha.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

I thought about revenge but then I would going against my values and what I believe in. Thought about divorce so I could pursue those other men but I love my husband and don't want a divorce. I do need to get my ego boosted just as much as he did and having him doing it now with all his words seems empty and shallow. Went to concert today and there were no many hot chicks started to worry about what he was thinking but you know I watched a lot of young males strutting around like rosters and I know what I was thinking. I had never before indulged myself like that I felt so guilty afterwards as being disrespectful to my WH.


----------



## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

jupiter13 said:


> I . Went to concert today and there were no many hot chicks started to worry about what he was thinking but you know I watched a lot of young males strutting around like rosters and I know what I was thinking. I had never before indulged myself like that I felt so guilty afterwards as being disrespectful to my WH.


Why did you feel guilty? I feel like the old saying here of "I'm married, not dead" applies. When I was asleep, so to speak, before I always thought of myself as a husband first. Now, I think of myself as a Man that just happens to also be a husband. I've caught myself noticing women far more often lately. There are, obviously, thoughts and impulses that accompany this sort of thing. It stirs the blood, makes you feel alive. I'm not sure I'd want to ever find myself at a point where a beautiful woman walks by and I don't notice. Who are you carrying around this guilt for?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She has pure revenge doing it to hurt you as her motivation.

Not an unreasonable reaction but misguided. Based on experiences of those that did do it, she would find greater peace and satisfaction by filing for D and moving on with her life.

The revenge sex will hurt you, but it will also hurt her.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I don't believe for a second that she wants to have revenge sex.

I think she is screaming with pain and wants to shake you, just shake you for betraying her so terribly. Pain and rage and hurt. Lots of it.

The sort of pain that makes someone lash out like this, with love-hate, is the sort that could make a reconciliation very hard. She might never get past what you have done to the two of you.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> I don't believe for a second that she wants to have revenge sex.
> 
> I think she is screaming with pain and wants to shake you, just shake you for betraying her so terribly. Pain and rage and hurt. Lots of it.
> 
> The sort of pain that makes someone lash out like this, with love-hate, is the sort that could make a reconciliation very hard. She might never get past what you have done to the two of you.


This and you are also in pain, so much you'd rather chose the shortcut, the baind aid of letting (wishing?) her to get her share so you can put under the carpet forever.


----------



## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

I carry guilt for being disrespectful. I wouldn't want him to be looking as I did while being with me it was the behavior.


----------



## lookingforsupport (May 13, 2013)

daggeredheart said:


> You need to re-discover that erotic power within your relationship along with the repair work....that will be never ending. There is no safe zone or fixed marriage state. It must always be pulsing.
> 
> 
> If she did go there......it might make her feel desired and _even_ again but the real problem is not that other men wouldn't crave her, it's that she wants YOU to crave her that way. See her, smell her, remember her and rediscover her. She's been waiting the whole time.


I think that's right, though I think she also wants me to feel some of the jealousy she now feels. Maybe that's the same thing.


----------



## lookingforsupport (May 13, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> How would you really feel if she was with another man? I mean, yes you betrayed her. That's obviously bad. My wife betrayed me, but I don't recall throwing out comments about sleeping with another woman especially during sex.
> 
> I think "allowing" something like that to happen purely for evening the odds, if you will, would be more traumatic to your reconciliation.
> 
> Again one of the biggest questions is...and don't make yourself a martyr to answer it...how would you truly feel if that happened? If she had what amounts to meaningless sex with another man.


Great question. Honestly, the thought of her having sex with another man has been among my sexual fantasies for a while. Talking about it is arousing, even though right now that arousal also feels perverse. If she did it to spite me and without my consent, I think I'd ultimately feel like our marriage was weaker and weakening. If she did it to turn me on, and I was a part of the conversation, that might not be threatening at all.

I realize this complicates things some...


----------



## lookingforsupport (May 13, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> Are you saying that you enjoy hearing her talk about being with another man or that you enjoy thinking about her being with another man?


I do, in the moment. During sex, it is really arousing. She traveled recently, and started texting me about the hot guys she was seeing. But the mood quickly went from flirting to harsh, as the texts quickly became about how ugly, etc, the OW is and how totally underserving I am of her. That part just feels like an attempt at punishing me with this idea.


----------



## lookingforsupport (May 13, 2013)

HarryDoyle said:


> I've put my WW through a lot, questions, emotional outburst, etc. But I don't continually throw her A in her face or threaten to take revenge. I have forgiven her and I'm working on trusting her again. That part may take awhile, but I'm trying. But I don't see any benefit in destroying her trust in me, or ruining her self esteem any more than it already is.


Was that always the case? Or did you go through a period of constantly bringing it up? She claims to want to forget about it and move on, but she appears to be making that harder but deepening some of her emotional responses on purpose.


----------



## lookingforsupport (May 13, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> Unless you taunted her with your infidelity the "score" will not be even. Not even.


I didn't. I stopped it long before she found out and never wanted her to know.


----------



## lookingforsupport (May 13, 2013)

Brokenshadow said:


> OP never answered this. I think it drives to the heart of the matter. If he's getting some sort of thrill out of this, well, that's a nother issue.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry it took a while to respond - was away from my computer all weekend. I really appreciate all of the thoughtful and helpful responses.

It's true, as I said above, there is something thrilling about it, partly because she wants to talk about it in graphic terms while we are having sex. But I don't want her to do this out of spite, for many of the reasons raised by other posters.


----------



## lookingforsupport (May 13, 2013)

Acabado said:


> This and you are also in pain, so much you'd rather chose the shortcut, the baind aid of letting (wishing?) her to get her share so you can put under the carpet forever.


Both of you are probably right. She's not violent, but I think she wishes she could be if only to get some of that pain onto the outside. And for me, yep. If it worked that way, I would accept it.


----------



## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

lookingforsupport said:


> Sorry it took a while to respond - was away from my computer all weekend. I really appreciate all of the thoughtful and helpful responses.
> 
> It's true, as I said above, there is something thrilling about it, partly because she wants to talk about it in graphic terms while we are having sex. But I don't want her to do this out of spite, for many of the reasons raised by other posters.


No worries, delays happen. I'm sure you'll get some good advice from the folks here. Half of the help I found here was just from having the chance to talk about things. 

I suppose the option exists to just find an escort or something. Though we're very different, I get how important it is to keep the sexlife in marriage interesting. Good luck, man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

lookingforsupport said:


> Great question. Honestly, the thought of her having sex with another man has been among my sexual fantasies for a while. Talking about it is arousing, even though right now that arousal also feels perverse. If she did it to spite me and without my consent, I think I'd ultimately feel like our marriage was weaker and weakening. If she did it to turn me on, and I was a part of the conversation, that might not be threatening at all.
> 
> I realize this complicates things some...


Yeah, that complicates things a sh-t ton! However, far be it for me to judge someone's fantasy life. Just know this - we are talking about you ALLOWING your wife to have sex with some other guy(s). While in fantasy it might seem hot and sexy, reality can have a way of bringing out the worst in people. I'd strongly suggest that if you're even truly debating going through with that kind of thing, that you BOTH have a long, long conversation about boundaries. Yeah...sounds crazy, I know - but from what I know, the people who are in that lifestyle have pretty good boundaries between themselves. Unless you're thinking of some scumbag Craigslist thing...then all bets are off.

You better do some serious soul searching, man. IF this comes to fruition (pardon the pun), you'd better be 100% sure it's what you both want and that she's really not wanting to do it just to get back at you. While I can't accept the idea of my wife doing swapping like that, I ain't gonna judge anyone who gets their jollies doing it.


----------



## dusty4 (May 8, 2013)

lookingforsupport said:


> Is this a phase? Did others go through this?


Why are you worried about it? You certainly didn't worry about putting her through this kind of worry when you have your A.

I'm sure others did go through this. You read the stories all the time.




> And crazy question maybe: might it be helpful for her to recover from the pain I've caused if she did?


No. If she has any self respect, if she went through with it then she'd feel horrible after. She will simply have become no better than you.

Honestly, if this is the way she really feels, I'd recommend divorce to her.

But its quite possible she has self respect, dignity and convictions, and she is just saying this because she knows the thought of her going out and getting pleasured by another man will drive you crazy.


----------



## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

While my wife was hiding her EA/PA and having at me with what she called my EA, she threatened me with all sorts of nasty crap. She never went through with any of it, and later has felt bad about it. Some of the things she said really stung then, and when I think about them, still sting today. 

So I am going to vote for "phase" although I don't know the personalities involved. Just my own experience for you to consider.


----------



## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

lookingforsupport said:


> Great question. Honestly, the thought of her having sex with another man has been among my sexual fantasies for a while. Talking about it is arousing, even though right now that arousal also feels perverse. If she did it to spite me and without my consent, I think I'd ultimately feel like our marriage was weaker and weakening. If she did it to turn me on, and I was a part of the conversation, that might not be threatening at all.
> 
> I realize this complicates things some...


Dude, if a fantasy involves a third person, once that fatasy turns to reality, that's when people get hurt. 

Here's the deal, when she was out of town and she started talking about other dudes being hot. Then, turning around and chewing you out, she probably did something with one of those dudes. She had to demonize you to give herself permission to go along with it. That you deserved this as far as she's concerned. Get mad enough at you to give herself the courage to go through with it.

And won't tell you about it, because if she knows that this turns you on, then she'll just keep it to herself. Then, a she'll change the conditions of her orginal plan of a one time ONS to "Well, he had his affair for 9 months so, I shoiuld get a free pass for 9 months". Until you both end up in divorce court.

And if that turns you on, then I think a gonna be sick.

You need to talk to an individual counselor to figure out these feelings that you're having.


----------



## lookingforsupport (May 13, 2013)

Thanks for all the feedback.

Ultimately, I don't think she would ever go through with it and it may be a phase in terms of even talking about it. We'll see. 

I don't think she would ever hide it from me, even if she did it. The point would be to make me jealous, which I think she does want to feel as part of re-establishing the specialness of that part of our lives. So I think for her the point now is to tease me with it and make me feel a bit on-edge, like I have to fight to keep her. Not unlike the principles of the 180, really.


----------



## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

I think you're screwed up with the principals of the 180. The 180 is for you to detach from the marriage, to present yourself as indifferent towards the marriage, happy with your life and that you're healing and moving on.

What she's doing is torture.


----------



## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

I think an escort or threesome type thing is generally not a good idea except in rare circumstances. 

If it's because of revenge, I would say no. 

If it's something you both genuinely want to do for whatever reason (perhaps she's never been with anyone else, or it's a fantasy of yours etc.) this might be the best time to do it.


----------



## lookingforsupport (May 13, 2013)

Figured I'd update everyone - the talk about another person has cooled off. I think that really was just a phase of her working through her anger with me and she needed to fully verbalize it in order to confront the idea that was gathering steam in her head. Thanks for all the feedback as it was happening.


----------



## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

It seems most BSs feel some need for revenge. It is a way to cope with the grief. I had those feelings, and eventually it turns into something else.

For me it was about 2-4 months after d-day that I wanted a RA. After that I realized that I really wanted someone to love me the way I had loved my exWW. The idea comes that the WS doesn't have the depth of love, or the capacity to develop it.

That is when I decided it was better to start looking instead of settling for a cheater. Maybe your wife will go through the same process.

My thinking resulted in emotional detachment, and divorce. It is a natural end to a painful relationship. R is difficult. That is why I do admire those that claim they are happy with that path.

Good luck! Sure hope your wife can find peace and love again.


----------



## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

There is no way in H~ll I would ever allow a third person into our bed room. At one time it was a fantasy of mine but now that my WH has shown his true colors it is not going to happen. We will never be able to build or have the kind of boundaries that will permit that kind of enjoyment.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Brokenshadow said:


> Just curious Matt, but was it a PA or EA? I think it's sort if a natural want to explore after you find out about a Ww spouse. Just being honest, but I've found myself engaging with women more often lately. Nothing serious. Got a hair cut the other day, and was flirting prettyhard with the girl. After a hot towel wrap on my face and scalp massage, which progressed to a shoulder rub, I had to stop myself from asking her for coffee. The human contact, her smile and laugh, just felt amazing. In our convo, she brought up that her bf was out of town the next day, so she had nothing going on. I thought it was probably just an innocent comment, but considered maybe it was an opening for something.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It was an EA (pain + alcohol = bad decisions) which nearly went physical, but didn't at the last second. Yes, seconds away from f**king my life up, but I didn't.


----------



## Michie (Aug 26, 2012)

Empathy is not a cheaters strong suit, if it were there would be no cheating. She wants you to feels what she feels, she knows its not possible but she will try.


----------

