# Anyone feel like "getting even"??



## angrybuttrying (Jun 17, 2013)

My wife had a short-term EA, when confronted she ended it immediately, counseling, etc. and we have reconciled and are trying to move forward with our marriage. 

Sometimes I find myself (in my anger and bitterness, which rear their ugly heads from time to time) wanting to "get even."

Anyone else feel this way? Other thoughts?

Thanks.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Most will disagree with me but I think you have a right to "get even" and it may very well be the only way to get over your anger and bitterness. I strongly feel it's a viable option in the healing process and one that I would seriously consider should I find myself in that situation. Frankly, I don't believe the "we don't stoop to the cheaters level" bullsh1t. (I'm not a "turn the other cheek" kind of guy) Besides, getting even does not necessarily mean an revenge affair (although it could be and I personally wouldn't rule it out), it just means inflicting a similar pain you went through on your spouse. How you do that is up to you.

However, how you do it and what you do could jeopardize your reconciliation. Everyone is different so you need to be careful and sure about what you are doing. Your wife had an EA. Is going out and having sex with someone getting even? I don't know.


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

Yes, yes and yes. Not as in revenge affair (sorry, I won't stoop to that level, although I have fantasized about it), but definitely put them through the grinder. 

Yup.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

I was there for a while. I felt like for her to truly understand my suffering, she would need to suffer too. Eventually, by her actions she started to prove to me that she understands.

I think if you still harbor feelings of resentment so strong you feel like inflicting pain on your loved one. Then perhaps you are not really reconciling, but rug sweeping. 

Just a thought.


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## amahoy1971 (Nov 12, 2012)

I want to Get even..
after D day, I went to a bar and I was pick up for a guy, I was drinking and sexy dancing til 3am, I felt so good, so hot, so free, no guilt at all, but I wasn't able to procede to sex, it was weird, I was making excuses in my mind, I took a taxi and went home. the guy is still texting me.

how I got the nerve to do it?? am I prepared??
What the heck....


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## KimatraAKM (May 1, 2013)

amahoy1971 said:


> I want to Get even..
> after D day, I went to a bar and I was pick up for a guy, I was drinking and sexy dancing til 3am, I felt so good, so hot, so free, no guilt at all, but I wasn't able to procede to sex, it was weird, I was making excuses in my mind, I took a taxi and went home. the guy is still texting me.
> 
> how I got the nerve to do it?? am I prepared??
> What the heck....


I think feeling like you'd love to get revenge is normal. Feeling and doing are different though. If you find yourself taking steps towards actually cheating it's best to go to IC. If you find yourself holding a grudge there's no way you'll reconcile. Better to get assistance then be a cheater too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KimatraAKM (May 1, 2013)

BTW my advice comes because I actually got even.

In the end you won't feel better or "even". You'll just feel dirty and stupid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

amahoy1971 said:


> I want to Get even..
> after D day, I went to a bar and I was pick up for a guy, I was drinking and sexy dancing til 3am, I felt so good, so hot, so free, no guilt at all, but I wasn't able to procede to sex, it was weird, I was making excuses in my mind, I took a taxi and went home. the guy is still texting me.
> 
> how I got the nerve to do it?? am I prepared??
> What the heck....


Ya all of us betrayed have thought about it, some for a slit second some for a very long time but the thought is there cuz our spouses got to have some fun and we didn't.

Beside the obove quote is perfect examble of why a revenge affair is bad. There is no way this current relationship will rebuild or get any healthier now that there are now 4 poeple envolved.

@middleman, its a valid point but I think its a dangerous attempt in healing, I mean if your going to go down that road then just bail on the marriage and regroup later ...if one can!


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## NEVER HAPPEN 2 ME RIGHT? (Sep 28, 2012)

Anger fades over time, regret stays forever.

Proceed with great caution my friend. I have yet to hear a single person say the words, "I am really glad I had that revenge affair . . ."

And remember, an eye for eye leaves the entire world half blind.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

amahoy1971 said:


> I want to Get even..
> after D day, I went to a bar and I was pick up for a guy, I was drinking and sexy dancing til 3am, I felt so good, so hot, so free, no guilt at all, but I wasn't able to procede to sex, it was weird, I was making excuses in my mind, I took a taxi and went home. the guy is still texting me.
> 
> how I got the nerve to do it?? am I prepared??
> What the heck....


Don't do it, why give it away to some random, have some self respect. You will be glad you didn't IMO.


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

Yes I think about it most days. I would love to put the OW pic on a billboard near her home and out her for seeing a married man and then a small pic n the corner of my WS. Of course I know that won't happen. I also think about getting her fired, that won't happen either, she has been there 20 years. Let her neighbors know, they probably do already. If I could find her 3rd ex husband, would let him know because she whined to everyone when he cheated on her and made his life miserable until the divorce. Would love to snatch her bald, but not worth going to jail over.

All kinds of things run thru my head, but will do nothing more than post on cheaterville.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

the guy said:


> Ya all of us betrayed have thought about it, some for a slit second some for a very long time but the thought is there cuz our spouses got to have some fun and we didn't.
> 
> Beside the obove quote is perfect examble of why a revenge affair is bad. There is no way this current relationship will rebuild or get any healthier now that there are now 4 poeple envolved.
> 
> @middleman, its a valid point but I think its a dangerous attempt in healing, I mean if your going to go down that road then just bail on the marriage and regroup later ...if one can!


Well said, very true. I still occasionally think about the fact that my WS decided to effectively be single for a while. 

Getting even? First thought for me was the POSOM and baseball bats and knees. I have an image in my mind from FB of a smug, self satisfied narcissist mugging in a pic with his betrayed wife. How I'l like to wipe that smile off.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ScorchedEarth said:


> Yes, yes and yes. Not as in revenge affair (sorry, I won't stoop to that level, although I have fantasized about it), but definitely put them through the grinder.
> 
> Yup.


Did the revenge affair. By accident. Yeah. Reaaal stooopid.

Suddenly, years later, wished I'd kicked the s**t out of my wife's lover. But glad I didn't. He is not worth it.


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## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

I lived on anger for a long time. This was mainly due to my rug sweeping and my wife's lack of remorse. I had a chance to have a revenge affair several times but did not do it. It felt wrong and I really didn't want to.

At the end of the day I think the best thing is feeling good about yourself. Are you living the way you want to, can you look in the mirror and like what you see.

For me I think a big part of the anger is assessing if I want to be with my wife anymore. I'm angry that she did what she did but I am past feeling sorry for myself. It happened. Her lack of remorse pissed me off for a long time. But that is HER issue, not mine. I can choose to leave her if I want to. 

Look at yourself and your WS and take some time to ask if this is the person you want to stay with. That might help alleviate some of the anger because you know you have control over your own life.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

2yearsago said:


> I lived on anger for a long time. This was mainly due to my rug sweeping and my wife's lack of remorse. I had a chance to have a revenge affair several times but did not do it. It felt wrong and I really didn't want to.
> 
> At the end of the day I think the best thing is feeling good about yourself. Are you living the way you want to, can you look in the mirror and like what you see.
> 
> ...


I think I lived on depression and alcohol for a long time.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Revenge affairs make you as bad as your partner. Want her to look at you the way you look at her today?

How will that heal the marriage?

I have easy pathways to revenge in my town. But I haven't given it a second thought, because I want to repair the relationship, not give it the death knell. 

Two wrongs don't make anything right. 

Here's another angle... if she didn't love you and had an affair, how do you think having one of your own will hurt her? She'll just be able to say fvck it easier when she finds out. 

Then you can try it on the next woman.

Visualize a downward spiral...


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

angrybuttrying said:


> My wife had a short-term EA, when confronted she ended it immediately, counseling, etc. and we have reconciled and are trying to move forward with our marriage.
> 
> Sometimes I find myself (in my anger and bitterness, which rear their ugly heads from time to time) wanting to "get even."
> 
> ...


Life always evens the scores. Why get your hands dirty? Just wait and see.


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## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

Even? Even would be I lull her into complacency, over years. Let her think everything is fine, normal. Then I wait till she is at her lowest, unemployed, depressed. Then I lie to her about it, and let her find out on her own. I'd rip out her heart, destroy her sense of trust and love when she needed me most. That'd make us even, that'd make us just about square.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

Not just get even... I'm more of a "one upper" kinda person.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

the guy said:


> @middleman, its a valid point but I think its a dangerous attempt in healing, I mean if your going to go down that road then just bail on the marriage and regroup later ...if one can!


Let me be honest, the concept of a revenge affair is a moot point for me because, as I mentioned here many times, if my wife ever crosses the PA line, the marriage is immediately over. I would have no desire to reconcile. I'd move on with my life in anyway I please the day after DDAy.

Having said that, I am a true believer in getting even. People don't learn lessons from their bad behavior unless they pay. In the highly unlikely event I were to ever Reconcile a after a physical betrayal (for some ungodly reason), I think I would have to have a revenge affair just to be able to look at her again. Sorry folks, but this is how I feel.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

Let me say I wouldn't, just because I wouldnt. 

That said, I must not be as saintly as everyone else here, but I don't think i'd feel very guilty. I would have plenty of justification and I really couldn't blame myself for it. 

Again, I'm not going to. I'm only saying I don't _think_ I would feel guilty. Now maybe that's totally wrong and I would. I doubt it though.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> Let me be honest, the concept of a revenge affair is a moot point for me because, as I mentioned here many times, if my wife ever crosses the PA line, the marriage is immediately over. I would have no desire to reconcile. I'd move on with my life in anyway I please the day after DDAy.
> 
> Having said that, I am a true believer in getting even. People don't learn lessons from their bad behavior unless they pay. In the highly unlikely event I were to ever Reconcile a after a physical betrayal (for some ungodly reason), I think I would have to have a revenge affair just to be able to look at her again. Sorry folks, but this is how I feel.


That's how you feel theoretically, now, about something that hopefully will never happen.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

awake1 said:


> *Let me say I wouldn't, just because I wouldnt. *
> 
> That said, I must not be as saintly as everyone else here, but I don't think i'd feel very guilty. I would have plenty of justification and I really couldn't blame myself for it.
> 
> Again, I'm not going to. I'm only saying I don't _think_ I would feel guilty. Now maybe that's totally wrong and I would. I doubt it though.


That's what I thought about myself. Until I did and ended up on medication as a result, because I felt so guilty.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> That's how you feel theoretically, now, about something that hopefully will never happen.


Point taken .... but I know me.


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

Giving my wife's OM a beat down was worth a night in jail. The court will get no apology from me on my sentencing day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BashfulBull said:


> Giving my wife's OM a beat down was worth a night in jail. The court will get no apology from me on my sentencing day.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh. But I think you should offer an apology. Like this...

"Your honour, I am sorry that I allowed the fact that xxxx has caused my wife to cheat on me to anger me. 

I am sorry that I allowed the fact that xxxx was having sexual relations with my wife to cloud my judgement, leading me to, in a moment of madness, hurt, betrayal and anger, assault him."


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

My brother was a self employed landscaper. He had a customer who was married and his wife not only cheated on him, but flaunted it in front of him and went off with the OM. The guy was a basket case for two or three years (not sure), but one day, lady luck reached out and kissed him good. He won 56 million bucks in the lottery after taxes. He bought a new home, and a Dodge Viper, house keeper/cook and had a great life. He ran into his ex wife and her shack up boyfriend a few months after he won the money. She asked how he was doing and he replied, "Living Large".


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Have you exposed the affair and has she had to face the music for her actions?


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## angrybuttrying (Jun 17, 2013)

Thank you for the input! Seems like you are/were going through what I'm going through - self-assessing is important, and most important is your comment about being able to look myself in the mirror. Only time will tell, but I am and will continue to better myself, which will only make me look in the mirror and either see me and my wife, or me and someone else who can appreciate me, etc.

Sounds lame, but your comments really hit home. Thanks.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Never wanted to get even, just wanted to be done, get away, and enjoy single life. 

Husband is a loser and that is my "revenge".


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## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

I would not do a revenge affair, there wouldn't be any revenge in it but if opportunity were to presents itself and I'm interested sure why not..... My ideal revenge to for all of them to have bad things accidentally happening to upset their happy homes over and over and over again for years to come.


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## FLGator (Mar 26, 2013)

Sometimes, I find myself daydreaming about that movie the Purge. If I really did have 24 of no laws. 

This town would have one less OM. 

I wouldn't do it though. Not worth it. Not worth not seeing my kids. Not worth my house or job. Nice to daydream though. 

You are the bigger man for not taking action like that in any way though. Cheating back or physical.


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

I would never have a revenge affair. Even after all the hurt/humiliation he has caused me since mid March, I would not do the same to him, just not in me to cheat - ever!

If I would not lose my job, I would give her a good old fashioned ******* beat down, but she is not worth losing my job over. A night in jail would not matter, but my job would.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

My concern is that where I would normally be able to resist temptation, now I might be considering it..

I believe that most people who go down the revenge affair path believe that they can also blame this on the cheating spouse.. so in the end, they'll say you are responsible for your affair, and for me needing to have one... now they can blame the WS for not only making them a BS, but making them a WS... another excuse to feel some self pity. I would expect after they do it, they realize it's not on the other person.. and like mentioned above, it really doesn't get you 'even', because the circumstances are so different. In my case, I'd have to romance someone for half a decade after my wife was comfortable and trusted me, then let her catch me, and would have to somehow involve my sister to help me sneak, to really pile on. That'd take too much effort... I'm too old to play those games.


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

A revenge affair might make me feel better as a betrayed husband. 

But then I would lose the moral high ground. One thing they taught us in the Marines, when you're surrounded by the enemy, get to the high ground, dig in and stay there. Never give up the hill.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pegasus (Oct 29, 2012)

The affair was a year ago - he says I should be over it as he ended it. She recently go a job elsewhere - they were colleagues - but in the same building. Now I saw that he has 3 new cell numbers of her and emails her - I don't have access. I don't want them to have contact - he says they are just friends. I told him then I'm going to get me a male friend since he refuses to stop hsving contact. I am at my end - could not heal -- they had to work together - it was a difficult year. Revenge sounds very attractive.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Its normal to feel that way but you can't put the genie back in the bottle if you do. My general creedo in life is to never respond to my emotions but step back and think your way through the consequences you may cause by doing so.


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## pegasus (Oct 29, 2012)

That is how I still feel at times after a year of the affair - is it normal? If they are still friends how must I get over it - is it wrong of me to expect them to end the friendship?


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

I would absolutely require a NC policy and there would be no more freindship. This would not be negotible!


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## angrybuttrying (Jun 17, 2013)

My thoughts, after reading the great comments on this thread, are as follows:

1) Will not have any "revenge" affair, but I imagine the temptation may be present for a while;
2) We are reconciled, but if it happens again, the marriage is over, without question;
3) If the EA had progressed to a PA, the marriage would be over;
4) There is NC, and if there is any evidence of further contact (not likely) I will immediately take steps to inform the OM's wife, kids, co-workers, friends, etc. with the proof;
5) Will let my revenge feelings subside, over time, and try to replace them with positive experiences as we continue to work on our marriage. We both acknowledge the mistakes that were made, and why, so my hope is that neither of us ever finds a need to make that stupid mistake again.

Thanks.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

pegasus said:


> That is how I still feel at times after a year of the affair - is it normal? If they are still friends how must I get over it - is it wrong of me to expect them to end the friendship?


You should expect them to end the friendship. How do you know they are not just being sneakier about it? If they have honestly 'ended the affair' continuing the friendship just leaves the door open to rekindling in the future.

Staying in contact with an affair partner is an absolute no no. When they quack about how 'unfair' it is that you are making them give up a 'good friend'. Tell them too F'ng bad. They should have thought about that before they crossed lines.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

I don't see anything wrong with getting revenge. But, revenge motivated by anger isn't nearly as satisfactory as people imagine it to be.


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## darklilly23 (May 26, 2013)

Ok I must admit, I would never have a RA however I have often wondered if that would be the only way to get through to stbxh.
He was always so confident that he could trust me and he had nothing to fear with me because he knows I would have rather taken a jump 
then betray him. But he thought it was ok to torment me with his relationship with OW and just tell me to deal with it.

So I guess that what I would wish to happen to him (have someone he loves with all his heart, love and be loyal to someone else) I could not ever instigate because its the very thing I hate.
It's not in my nature.

I would like him to understand someday how deep the words "just a friend" can cut, when you love someone with everything you have got.
I think it would be a good lesson for him to learn if he ever wants commitment with someone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

BashfulBull said:


> A revenge affair might make me feel better as a betrayed husband.
> 
> But then I would lose the moral high ground. One thing they taught us in the Marines, when you're surrounded by the enemy, get to the high ground, dig in and stay there. Never give up the hill.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree completely. 

Besides revenge is stupid, puts you down to their level. 

I wouldn't inflict adultery and infidelity upon anyone. If you are to the point of wanting revenge affair or using the idea of it as a tool/threat....then what's the point of staying together?


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## schiller45 (Jul 7, 2013)

I think about doing it every second of every day. I've even told her that if we attempt to R, one of two things will happen. I will cheat on her or she will begin to cheat on me again.


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## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

Unique Username said:


> I agree completely.
> 
> Besides revenge is stupid, puts you down to their level.
> 
> I wouldn't inflict adultery and infidelity upon anyone. If you are to the point of wanting revenge affair or using the idea of it as a tool/threat....then what's the point of staying together?


To have a ringside seat to their destruction.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Revenge is a very personality driven thing.

Some people should never seek it because the guilt of their actions after the fact hurt them even more than the initial wrong.

But that is not everyone. Other people actually feel worse if they do not pay someone back who has injured them without cause.

They can seek justice and then eat and sleep like a baby.

For these people, passively accepting a wrong is actually more damaging to themselves as individuals.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

schiller45 said:


> I think about doing it every second of every day. I've even told her that if we attempt to R, one of two things will happen. I will cheat on her or she will begin to cheat on me again.



Im in R if you call it that, and i share this opinion. Ive said it numerous times. When a fws tries to change its almost insulting. Like "and you couldnt do this 10 years ago?" 

Or maybe its like sitting at magic show where you know all the tricks. And they just keep piling on the crap as if they can still dazzle you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

Acoa said:


> You should expect them to end the friendship. How do you know they are not just being sneakier about it? If they have honestly 'ended the affair' continuing the friendship just leaves the door open to rekindling in the future.
> 
> *Staying in contact with an affair partner is an absolute no no. When they quack about how 'unfair' it is that you are making them give up a 'good friend'. Tell them too F'ng bad. They should have thought about that before they crossed lines.*


This is exactly what I told my WS. He sees nothing wrong with it. He told her it was over, give him space to work thru his emotions and try to repair our marriage. ( I am not real sure I want to try) so she sent him an email saying she would "wait" until he decided but to not shut her out completely. She said you know your marriage will not work so go back to it or step out to a new future - WTH? That sounds like giving space. I told him to cut off all contact with her if he wanted me to even consider the marriage. But she will not let it go, he will have to be the strong one, that is if what he says is true.

I want revenge, I want karma to rain down and I want all kinds of bad luck to happen, but that is only in my mind. I would not act on revenge even tho my emotions are raw, mixed up and all over the place. I just don't see how he can look me in the eye actually.


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## r0r0bin (Jul 13, 2013)

Great revenge is to leave the cw then you will win the scoreboard.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

darklilly23 said:


> Ok I must admit, I would never have a RA however I have often wondered if that would be the only way to get through to stbxh.
> He was always so confident that he could trust me and he had nothing to fear with me because he knows I would have rather taken a jump
> then betray him. But he thought it was ok to torment me with his relationship with OW and just tell me to deal with it.
> 
> ...


Just because you would not have a revenge affair doesn't mean you can't make him believe you are looking to or scoping out other options or being gone all dressed up and telling him you're just going to eat, shop, see a movie
Etc.

What if you accidently happened to get some mens colonge(sp) sprayed on you at a dept store.

Letting some one take you for granted isn't a plan its defeat.

Good luck.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

angrybuttrying said:


> Thank you for the input! Seems like you are/were going through what I'm going through - s*elf-assessing is important, and most important is your comment about being able to look myself in the mirror. Only time will tell, but I am and will continue to better myself, which will only make me look in the mirror and either see me and my wife, or me and someone else who can appreciate me,* etc.
> 
> *Sounds lame*, but your comments really hit home. Thanks.





angrybuttrying said:


> My thoughts, after reading the great comments on this thread, are as follows:
> 
> 1) Will not have any "revenge" affair, but I imagine the temptation may be present for a while;
> 2) We are reconciled, but if it happens again, the marriage is over, without question;
> ...


Dear abt,

Nothing lame about what you've said. Rather, the sentiments expressed above are the rights ones and demonstrate that you're head is in the right place.

Wishing you the best.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I've thought about revenge in the form of repsonindg to my fiance's EA's second invitation to connect on Linked In. I'd like her to know that if she ever thought she had some safe secrets with him...... well, honey, you were wrong. Especially since I can see how much they talked about me; how she compared herself to me; and gave advice on our relationship ie, drop her sorry ass, she's not having sex with you often enough;

I see her as the face of these relationship trends that 20 and 30 something women are doing; that is, calling every relationship "just friends" and then practicing a scorched earth policy to get what they want.

I did have a search on Linked In. I learned that if you get at least 3 complaints, you can no longer send out invites to connect. So that as the second one.....

But, I have been going back and forth on this matter. What is the possible fallout? Is there anyway she could replicate my e-mail in various places identifying myself while leaving her own hands clean? And am I just a 'fraidy cat for doing something that other people have seemed to turn into a fine art?


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Every dog has his day GGGRRRRRHHHHH!!!!!!!


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## now_awake (May 29, 2013)

To get "equal" revenge, I'd have to spend four years randomly sex chatting with people, watch porn constantly and develop a fetish. Then, I'd have to find an old high school friend willing to send me naked pictures and develop a "friendship" for the next five years. I'd have to get desparate and keep trying to get this friend to sleep with me. I will also have to contact a prostitute and set up a meeting only to back out, not for my spouse, but out of fear and low slf esteem. I'd still have to fantasize about it though.

Way too much effort. Not to mention that I would never stoop to that level. My revenge will be to finally become independent and be able to raise my kids with or without anyone's help.


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## bugmenot (Jul 4, 2012)

Why does revenge always equal an affair? Could it come in some other form? Like outing them to EVERYONE, or some other way to make them realize how painful it is to be betrayed? I'm not sayiing that it is right, but I am curious when people discuss "getting even" after an affair - it always means sex....it seems to be if the WS values sex so little to have ogne out and cheated, you doing it would hardly shock them in many cases.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Getting even assumes you care about keeping the score.


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

Dyokemm said:


> Revenge is a very personality driven thing.
> 
> Some people should never seek it because the guilt of their actions after the fact hurt them even more than the initial wrong.
> 
> ...


This is a great post. It explains why I really didn't feel better after my small attempt at revenge.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

angrybuttrying said:


> My wife had a short-term EA, when confronted she ended it immediately, counseling, etc. and we have reconciled and are trying to move forward with our marriage.
> 
> Sometimes I find myself (in my anger and bitterness, which rear their ugly heads from time to time) wanting to "get even."
> 
> ...


My ex "cucked" me, nothing wrong with my penis or my skills in the sack at all - it was about empowerment. We had two small children, it's the reason I was locked in.

In any case, I was living a pretty good life before I met her. So after she snared me in her trap many people turned on me.

They were able to issue a ton of various attacks over the years as a result of her trojan horse...

It got even worse for me taking it.

I knew I couldn't spend all my life doing "revenge", because for some that's all they do all their life.

But going through that process did knock some of my psyche back a bit.

I've thought about doing some managed actions and communications towards those who took advantage of me being stuck in that bad position, it would make me feel a little better. But I don't want to go back and forth for the rest of my life.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

i guess i need a little clarity in the term "revenge affair".

I say this becasue i left my marriage after my wife had an affair. I didnt want a divorce and was willing to try R. The problem was that my W was the typical cheater, blamed me, rug swept, took no REAL responsibility for it etc.

after about six months I left. I got involved with another woman. It was after finding out about the new woman that my wife only then took a real look at herself.

while there has been some positive change, its not enough. she is maybe 60% of the way there to really understanding what she has done, the selfish reason that she did it, and the incrdieble damage that was the result of it. but she still acts like "OK i get it now cant we just move on?" and thinks you can just be dont with it. For me, while it may not be a life sentence, its not something that goes away in two years.

knowing what i know now, my cheating wife would never have seen through the fog had i not met the other woman. and even then, she still doesnt see exactly clear. 

so i dont believ i was having a "revenge affair", i was just getting on with my life. maybe some around here will call it that. but it has changed my cheating wifes view on many things.


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

Ever since DD1 9 months ago, RA has never came to my mind. I could never and cannot still see myself stepping outside the boundaries of our M ... However a sham it reveals itself to me now. 

I believe in the cliche "you can run but you cannot hide (from the truth)" ... My child will take me (and his dad) as a moral yardstick. 

I could have taken a 'lesser' form of revenge ... i could have just lifted the phone to make a call to the police and report their pre-marital sex. It is an arrestable offence in the Emirates. Many an expat been thrown in jail for a minimum of 2 months for adultery. But I cannot do that. He is the father of my child. He is my beloved FIL's son ...

I can only make him 'pay' literally through the court settlement process. Money will not give me back the sense of security, the loss of trust of someone I loved deeply, $$$ will never replace the constant presence of the father figure my son so craved. But it will be a tiny reminder to him that for every action, there is a consequence.

P.s. am desperately looking for some feedback to my own personal thread in light of recent developments. Thanks.


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## Ryan_sa (May 8, 2012)

As a youngster I was cheated on repeatedly by my first love over about 8 years.
The main damage it did was to lower my self esteem, and made me believe this was the norm for relationships. Thank God I never married her.

I ended up screwing around too, which just made me feel dirty.

I dreamed about knee capping some of the other guys, made one guys life a complete misery for a while until I suddenly decided I'd had enough.

The best revenge was dumping her and enjoying my life, eventually finding and marrying someone way better than her and just being happy with out her.

The ex is now in a miserable marriage, with a husband that's just come out of the closet, and she looks 15 years older than she should, whilst battling with her weight every day.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

I don't think it will make you feel any better. It can take a long time to get over a cheating spouse. I had lots of thoughts about revenge, but I just can't do it. I did break my husband's computer though. I have to admit it helped me feel a little better.


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