# Cheated on.....and she PROMISED she'd never do that!!!



## dynamick (Nov 26, 2013)

Hi there.

My name is Mick, I'm 42 and until I was 40 I was single, confirmed single, quite happy (if not somewhat lonely from time to time).

Two years ago (October 2011) I met a woman through Facebook - she was a relative of a friend and we just got talking and got on really well. I made it clear to her that I was pretty much the "40 Year Old Virgin" as advertised in the movie and that I had been living on my own since I was 16 - so 24 years single is a LONG time.

Our friendship grew, she came down every other weekend to stay with me, I thought I'd won the lottery, I couldn't believe the affection and love this beautiful woman was showing me - so caring, so patient, it was like a dream, honestly everything that I ever wanted. I met her children, we got on well and although I did feel that she got jealous of my friends on Facebook (especially the female ones) I told her that I'd known them for years and years and she reluctantly accepted that. 

Our feelings grew and grew to the point where she asked about her moving down with her children (9 and 14 at that time) it was a case of "now or never" as she wanted to get the last two years of school sorted out for her eldest. I did feel rushed, pressured a little but I did (still do) love her so much - anyway...we moved in together in July 2012.

To start things were pretty damn amazing, I had found the love of my life, the kids were hard work but with a great deal of effort I got close to them and we got on well. My partner was still getting jealous of my friends on Facebook - I couldn't change the person I'd always been just because I was now with her - friends are friends, never anything more for me and nor did I want that. She again accepted that and we carried on being ok.

Moving forward to July 2013, her daughter met a boy who used to get a lift to our house by his dad.....his single dad. He became "friends" with me and my partner on Facebook but I couldn't help notice that my now fiancée (we got engaged last November) was spending a lot of time chatting with him on Facebook and I asked her about it. She threw the "well you talk to your friends all the time" in my face so I left it. She worked close to where he lived and she was later at coming home than she used to be.....I KNEW in August that something was not right but when I asked her, she screamed at me that I was jealous of her having friends.

I felt her love evaporate in the relationship, I still adored her, but she just wasn't the same girl I fell in love with. As time went on, I realised that she was never going to admit what was going on, she denied it every day, she would occasionally "blow up" and have a go at me, saying I was paranoid......and this continued up until November 1st 2013 - 3 weeks ago.

I'd had enough, I begged and begged and begged her to sit and talk to me and tell me what was wrong, what was going on, come with me to Relate to work on our relationship, I told her I'd do ANYTHING to make things work.....so many times I think I lost count......until the day when the pain got so much that I had to make the decision to leave.

I move quickly with things and I found a house to move to within a week....and I moved out the following Sunday. On the day I moved - the guy I suspected she was having an affair with hacked her Facebook account, messaged me as "her" what she'd done and gave me all the detail - talk about having my heart ripped out and dangled in front of me....it doesn't even get close. 

She then FINALLY after another few days told me everything, they'd slept together almost daily for the last 3 months, the guy has now gone from "lover" to "stalker" and he has made threats to her......and her daughter is now banned from seeing his son (her boyfriend).

It's all so damn complicated, so painful, so heartbreaking - to have what I wanted for such a short period of time and then to have it all snatched away like that......I've cried so much and I'm crying right now - I feel like I've been used - I am a decent bloke who made sure she had furniture and money when I left - but get this.....I've been gone for 3 weeks and NOW she wants to make the effort to get us back - she wants me to move back in, she says it's the worst mistake she's ever made. I'm tied into a 6 months minimum lease on this place, my head feels like a bomb has gone off - there's probably so much detail I've missed out of this and it's all muddled up too - I just had to get it out and get it off my chest.

I'm at a loss as to know what to do - I crave for that simple single life that I used to have.....and yet I miss the fun, loving times we had together.

Any advice would be very much appreciated - I'm right at my wits end.

Cheers Mick x


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

Quick (but totally relevant) question: what was your sex-life with your missus?


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

Edit.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Sorry you're here, Mick, and welcome. 

She is a cheater, and a pretty egregious one at that. You did the right thing to leave (follow your instinct) and I think the best thing you can do at this point is stay away from her. Of course she came back after you, the AP is stalking her... she wants you to clean up her mess. Forget it... spend some time taking care of yourself, and move forward with your life. Enjoy the freedom again. This isn't to say you should never settle down with a woman, we are not all cheaters! But take your time ... and also stop begging for things (anything) from women, we rapidly lose respect for men who beg. (Not implying you had fault in this, just a word to the wise for the future.)


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Sounds like she was just using you for room and board for her and her kids. Found someone she wanted better but he turned into a psycho so now wants you back as her backup plan!!! One thing about being the backup plan....you will always be replaceable to her!!! Don't go back!!!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Sorry Mick, it's probably true that she feels she made a very big mistake. 

Don't you make one too by allowing her back into your life. If you're afraid of being lonely think about this: You'll never feel lonelier than when you live with someone who makes you lonely. There's a difference. A very big difference. 

This woman is not for you. Let her take care of here own problems. Ask her not to contact you again. If you feel you're letting her kids down, then go to an orphanage and volunteer to do work there as your penance. Don't get entangled with this family. 

Think of her as a vampire.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

It's a blessing in disguise that your tied into that six month lease. Stay there and don't go back. 

She got dumped hard and now has a stalker as a ex lover and that's her cross to bear. Don't give in to temptation because she showed her true colors.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Mick,

I an sympathetic to you not wanting to end this relationship after being single for so long.

But understand that your fiance has given you a gift. She showed you who she is before you married her. Accept that gift and thank your lucky stars that you didn't find out about this after years of marriage investment and having kids with her. Tell her to take a hike.

One other thing. In your next relationship, I'd suggest you re-think having close friendships, Facebook or otherwise, with other females. That's crossing a reasonable boundary for most couples - and in your situation, left you with nothing to say to her when she did the same.

Good luck to you.


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## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

If she feels she can be with someone better she will. 

Unfortunately that's the truth. I'm not saying this guy is better than you because clearly he isn't. But if she perceives someone as being superior, and if she thinks she can attain their affections, she will betray you. 

Most women are like that.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

DarkHoly said:


> Most women are like that.


Even as a betrayed husband, I don't believe that.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Do you pay for her kids ?

What was the financial equation between you two?


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## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

badmemory said:


> Even as a betrayed husband, I don't believe that.


You mean as a member of a politically correct society you're not allowed to believe that. 

I'm not saying that good women can't or don't suppress that. I think they do. In the same way that good men don't use their physical strength to pound someone with whom they disagree, or rape a woman. But it is still there. 

If you're right, the world is all the better for it. But I fear you are not.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

DarkHoly said:


> If she feels she can be with someone better she will.
> 
> Unfortunately that's the truth. I'm not saying this guy is better than you because clearly he isn't. But if she perceives someone as being superior, and if she thinks she can attain their affections, she will betray you.


You could say the same thing about guys... given the right opportunity. 




DarkHoly said:


> Most women are like that.


Mine was like that... 

Maybe not most but there are plenty out there.

And they certainly don't advertise it. 

You usually find out when it's too late.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Sex is very powerful. You witnessed this. You may have thought you loved her, but after going through an experience like this the love will have to be more justified in the future.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

BetrayedDad said:


> Mine was like that...
> 
> Maybe not most but there are plenty out there.
> 
> ...


:iagree:
I'll go with this.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

You were used. Sucks but you're old enough now to realize it, learn from it and move on. Dont get roped back in to crazy town.

Meeting on Facebook....then she starts an affair using facebook. see a pattern?

Just move on and heal. There are women out there that won't hurt you like this.


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## Bamzor (Aug 15, 2012)

"and she PROMISED".......Well from my understanding once you get to the begging stage they have no respect for you. Oh....shut the H up...(whats in their mind) "Yeah I promise not to bang my fb friend....."

Learn from this...be a man (or woman) you have to learn to respect yourself. The hurt and pain is temporary, let the healing begin. Just like others are saying move on....someone that is awesome is waiting!


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Like others have mentioned, take your time now.

There is certainly no need to rush back in your case.

Use the six months to get more grounded and focused on what you want.

Good luck with your situation.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Dynamick


Your chick has issues.

Maybe she is remorseful and truly wants to reconcile.

Tell her to grow up, parent her kids and close her legs until your lease expires.

Then tell her to talk to you in 3 months if she feels she can now be honest with you and the OM is totally out of the picture.

You will be fine. Your Ex needs a good shrink.

Take the next 6 months to heal.

While she takes the next 6 months to contemplate the person she chose to be.

HM


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

As much as it hurts, it is a blessing in disguise. You are not married, the kids aren't yours, move on from this woman and let her deal with the psycho OM.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

dynamick said:


> It's all so damn complicated, so painful, so heartbreaking


Mick, its painful and heartbreaking but its not complicated. When you chose to start looking for mate, you picked a chick who was keeping her options opened just in case something she believed was better comes along. Suffice it to say she will still keep her options open if she lures you back in. 
My advice....lose this one. You can do better and without the baggage and financial obligations you mentioned.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Move on and be extremely grateful you didn't marry this floozy.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

HappyMan is right as usual. Your GF saw you as a find. Single guy who would shower her with love and give her children a role model. Moreover, you paid for more than your share
of the bills.

She wanted everything, plus drama. Not a keeper. Not for marriage. 

See this experience as affirmation of your rising value in the pool of singles.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

You are a hard working, honest and dependable guy. M mature woman who wants to settle down, get married, raise kids would be all over you.

You met her, she already had past bf's and kids from that. She took to you quickly because she was looking for the next guy and that next guy was you.

Nice guys get walked over finish last......

Then she meets this other guy, sleeps with him daily, lies to your face, while she is staying with you and you are being a great dad to her kids.

Now you move out and start fresh and a short time later, she wants you back and try to make it work????

DITCH THE *****!!!

You deserve and can do much better than her.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Run from her as far and as fast as you can.

She lied and lied and cheated and cheated.


Go NC on her, go dark, do the 180, hide from her and get her out of your life.

She does not respect you, she did not respect you and respect yourself. She does not love you.

She treated you like shyt. Get tested for stds and get her out of your life.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

dynamick said:


> I am a decent bloke who made sure she had furniture and money when I left - but get this.....I've been gone for 3 weeks and NOW she wants to make the effort to get us back


She ran out of your money.



“It’s better to be alone than to wish you were”

If you go back, she’s going to place you between her and the stalker.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Move on and never beg for a cheater again.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

Makes me wonder what happen with the first husban??


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Going against the grain here as I like to do.....first, what she's doing is crappy and you are better off without it. Now to you: i'm struck by your comment regarding female friends, that you're not going to change who you are (who you are is chatting with female friends?). that's a polite way of saying "don't like it? too bad", which is not consistent with relationship compromise; you have to expect this compromise, and can't just expect a partner to fold into your life. You shouldn't change who you are of course, but at 42 with no real relationship history you're also going to be used to making decisions without regard to anyone else. completely normal, but you should've sat down with her and listened to find out why she objected and addressed those concerns together. You might want to examine boundaries with these female friends. Even if they really are just friends, its easy to cross boundaries in the eyes of a so and if so this will always be an issue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Keep your new place and watch and see if your GF can put action into her promise.

She has the next six month to show you she means what she promises.

I have a feeling it will only take less then half that time to prove her promise means nothing.

I have a feeling that instead of doing the hard work of repairing this relationship while your living in another home, she will take the easier road and find someone else she doesn't have to work at/for.

I mean why would she work hard to get someone back when all she has to do is go on FB and wait for another man to fall into her lap with little or no effert on her part?

So wait and see...her action in the next 6 month should show you the direction you need to go.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

the guy said:


> Keep your new place and watch and see if your GF can put action into her promise.
> 
> She has the next six month to show you she means what she promises.
> 
> ...


This^^^ and if you gave her a ring I would ask for it back.


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

I think someone left the building....quick.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

To DYNAMIC:

I know the sting.

I was once like you. 20 years of single hood only to find what I thought was the love of my life.

She showered me with love too. She showered me with love.
She didn't need me, she had plenty of money But I made her happy. Probably the happiest she'd ever been in her life or at least in a long, long long time. I treated her like my Queen. Her love was heartfelt. she had never been with a guy like me who accepted her for what she was and never demanded anything.

Then, very suddenly (like you), her love went cold. I struggled to figure out what happened. I pondered, looked at every angle, brooded about where our love could have gone. We stayed in contact, but I knew there was something wrong.

I found out about a year later when I confronted her my worst fears. She had slept with one of the local guys, a drunk and a depressive. Moreover, she told me she loved one of the guys she worked with. A player and a self absorbed jerk who she admitted didn't love her.

I know where you are my friend.

It does get better. And yes, there are truly great women out there.
They will find you and treat you like you deserve.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Hello Mick? Still with us?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Dynamick,

I realize your hurting, and that kind of pain takes time and help to get over, but do you know how fortunate you are, that you are not married to her, that she did not wait to do this after you got married to do this...you are completely free from her deception, her lies and her cheating...i understand you love her, that miss her, but she is a CHEATER. and she did it with a nut case...count yourself lucky and run away.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Why was she single with kids? Has she cheated before?


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