# Don't want sex with husband



## needopinion (Sep 10, 2010)

I am one of those women ... Men on here complain about. And I want some advice. Been married 11 years. When we were dating and engaged I was basically someone who depended on sex. If he left my house and we didn't have sex, I would have thought something was wrong. I bought lingerie etc. I would get turned down at times by him. Then i got really ticked when he turned me' down ... After I showed up at the door in lingerie... And the next day I found porn on his computer. He blamed some friend of his who was visiting... Anyway ... You get the picture. I used to enjoy dressing up... Looking sexy etc. In fact that made ME feel sexy. I talked to him and things improved. Then, it seems the theme continued after marriage. We had sex probable once a week for years. Then our son was born and the marriage just really hit a new low. 

Now I sit unhappy. My hubby wants sex (doesn't often initiate) but he makes sarcastic comments about it. He has tried a lot of different tactics on me. He tried texting me sexy stuff. I just have had so much bad sex with him that is rarely enjoyable for me' that i don't want to be with him sexually. 

I jumped up and left the bedroom this am so he couldn't try to have sex with me. I WANT sex. I lust after other men. I just see him as weak and awkward. I'm totally not into it with him either. We now have sex about 3 times a month. I usually wake him up. If HE tries anything with me' I'm usually less than pleased with the timing or something. 

The other problem is he has bad breath and is a terrible kisser. I just cringe. 

We have Been to couples therapy. We never really got far on the sex part. He has been "strange" in that area for a long time and he is ashamed to talk about it. 

I am tempted to cheat on him even though I'm a good person. Some have said I should leave him for OTHER reasons and maybe they are right. I just don't know what to do. 

How do I know I won't fall into this same trap with someone else?
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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Exactly what is it about him that you find "weak and awkward?" You seemed ok with him in the beginning, so what changed for you? You also stated he wants sex, but makes sarcastic comments? What kind of comments? And if he wants sex, why would they be sarcastic?


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## misticli (Oct 28, 2011)

It sounds like over time you grew apart as you were making all the effort, and he was not meeting your needs. Attraction is not just about physical appearance, you can be put off by someone else because you got rejected by them to many times.

You also indicated "I just see him as weak and awkward". You have lost respect for your husband. Women are attracted to men who they feel are confident and in control.

I am assuming the sarcastic comments are regarding him not getting sex, or lewd comments?

I do not see how you can move forward with him unless he is willing to talk about it. You need to sit down when you are not in the mood, and talk about the situation. Make him understand that without the intimacy and connection in you relationship you are thinking of leaving him. You then need to both work every day to have some kind of intimacy, hugging, kissing, cuddling in order to re-establish that intimacy that makes you want to have sex with your partner.


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## needopinion (Sep 10, 2010)

Well in the beginning it was all me basically. At least that's kinda how I see it. Then when he started to act too tired or too busy I just got annoyed. He started cutting me' down too so it ate away at my desire. And I got sick and tired of want sex and it was over in 15 seconds. And when I'd ask about round 2 he would tell me that only happens in the movies. 

I say weak and awkward because he can't kiss me without choking me or causing me to suffocate and I have NEVER had an orgasm with him. I can on my own with no trouble. 

His sarcastic comments (if I'm falling asleep) he will say "well I guess you are too tired for me tonight or oh I see, there's no time left for me tonight". "you got time for everything but me, apparently". That will be after I had just worked a full day, gotten a sitter and high tailed it to meet him for dinner. I'll come home .. Sit on the couch and fall asleep. I won't mean to ... I just barely get 4 hrs of asleep a night. He will go kiss the kids good night (since we hadn't seen them all day) and I will collapse with fatigue. That's why I typically will wake him up to make up for it. 

I should also say if I fall asleep on the couch after an exhausting day he will come over and clap loudly right in my ear. I will jump in panic and he thinks it's funny. Who wants to have sex after that? 




Jamison said:


> Exactly what is it about him that you find "weak and awkward?" You seemed ok with him in the beginning, so what changed for you? You also stated he wants sex, but makes sarcastic comments? What kind of comments? And if he wants sex, why would they be sarcastic?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Your husband sounds like a jerk. Claps into your ear when you are sleeping and then laughs? What the hell? I'd not want to sleep with him either. 

It's those things that make someone so very unattractive.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

I can see why you might be annoyed, however cheating is not the answer. If you feel this is not fixable and you want to be with other men, then do yourselves both a favor and divorce him first.


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## needopinion (Sep 10, 2010)

Oh I wouldn't really cheat. I just want to have those feelings of lust and romance again for someone. I just feel so sick and tired of being drawn to other men and not my husband. 

He's actually quite good looking. That's what makes me so frustrated. I just don't feel drawn to him. I worry that maybe the problem is me?

I guess others weighing in here make me' feel that my reaction is not abnormal. 



Jamison said:


> I can see why you might be annoyed, however cheating is not the answer. If you feel this is not fixable and you want to be with other men, then do yourselves both a favor and divorce him first.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Maybe he noticed you changed. I'm not saying that gives him a right to make rude comments, but perhaps he knew how you used to be as far as sex, dressing up, etc, and now that you no longer are interested in that, maybe he feels you have changed and doesn't know why? 

Have you talked to him in great length about how you feel, and why you feel you changed? Maybe he is just as confused and doesn't know how to properly communicate that to you, other than through rude comments?


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## JGA (Nov 26, 2011)

Needopinion, have you tried to have an honest conversation with him letting him know how you feel? When you have a conversation about your relationship, you must be very open with what you both want in the relationship. Apparently at one point in time things were good. Reflect in those moments and try to remember what it was that made things good and passionate. Today we live busy lives and allow other factors to get between each other. If you are spending facebooking, watching tv, reading more than spending time with each other, there is a problem. I can understand why your husband is doing what he is doing. Take time to listen to each other and get back to the basics.


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## needopinion (Sep 10, 2010)

Well I have talked at length with him. Even in therapy. He doesn't like it. He says when I tell him these things (kindly and in therapy) that I make him feel like a failure.the therapist pointed out that I never said that or implied it. He said anytime she complains I feel not good enough. He said I should keep my feelings to myself. 

So now I just can't talk to him or he gets upset. He does not take suggestions well either. 

And no I'm not facebooking or hanging out with friends. I always make my family my first priority. My only "hobby" is working out. About 45 minutes a day. 




JGA said:


> Needopinion, have you tried to have an honest conversation with him letting him know how you feel? When you have a conversation about your relationship, you must be very open with what you both want in the relationship. Apparently at one point in time things were good. Reflect in those moments and try to remember what it was that made things good and passionate. Today we live busy lives and allow other factors to get between each other. If you are spending facebooking, watching tv, reading more than spending time with each other, there is a problem. I can understand why your husband is doing what he is doing. Take time to listen to each other and get back to the basics.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you tried any couples sex therapy / education tapes? Things you can lean together and he can learn to be a great lover?
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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Since he thinks you should keep your feelings to yourself, then tell him he needs to keep his rude comments to himself. If you're not allowed to talk about how you feel then he isn't allowed to make comments 

I think he is using "getting upset" as a way to not deal with things. He doesn't sound like he wants to get to the real root of the issue. What does he think you all are supposed to do if you can't talk about anything? 

Point blank ask him what does he want from the marriage. Make it clear to him you would like to see some changes in the marriage and that they can't all come from you. Sometimes too, if a person doesn't feel they have anything to lose, thats reason enough sometimes for people to not try and change. Just a thought.


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## needopinion (Sep 10, 2010)

That's very true callalily. Good point. He actually is very good at getting me' to back off because I don't like it when someone is upset with me. I'm a peace keeper by nature ... And a pleaser. So I just feed right into it. 

There are a lot of other issues that are not sex related but I'm sure they factor into everything and my feelings toward him. 

Truth is when we went to therapy, I heard things that were disappointing. He was a jerk and very reluctant to receive help or insight from me or the therapist. I actually suggested we take a break because I thought it was going to send me divorce. 

He isn't a terrible guy. But he makes me' carry the burden of the family. When I need him to help me or the kids ... I mean really need him... He finds an escape. 






CallaLily said:


> Since he thinks you should keep your feelings to yourself, then tell him he needs to keep his rude comments to himself. If you're not allowed to talk about how you feel then he isn't allowed to make comments
> 
> I think he is using "getting upset" as a way to not deal with things. He doesn't sound like he wants to get to the real root of the issue. What does he think you all are supposed to do if you can't talk about anything?
> 
> Point blank ask him what does he want from the marriage. Make it clear to him you would like to see some changes in the marriage and that they can't all come from you. Sometimes too, if a person doesn't feel they have anything to lose, thats reason enough sometimes for people to not try and change. Just a thought.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

One of the things you need to ask yourself is, do you really want things to work out with him? Or do you feel its just a lost cause? 

I mean, in order for this to work it would seem there needs to be some effort on his part as well. Thats something that may or may not happen. 

Getting feelings out and talking about them is a form of communication. It helps people to be able to move forward sometimes. Perhaps him not wanting you to talk about your feelings, makes him feel things are all his fault. He needs to be reminded not everything is his fault. 

Unfortunately, he may need to be given a ultimatum to see if things can work or not. In other words,(for example) make sure he knows changes need to take place and he needs to do his part. If he can't do his part, then you're gone. If this is the ultimatum you choose to go with make sure you follow through on it.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

so why do you stay?


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## JGA (Nov 26, 2011)

I agree with Callalily with being straight forward with him. The two main reasons marriages fail is money and lack of communication. If he does not want to talk with you, you may not be able to resolve your problems. I would think about what you did early in your dating/marriage and reflect if you are still working on what it takes to keep each other happy.
As for you telling him what bothers you and him say you "make him feel like a failure", there are deeper issues at hand. He may have depression, and if so your job is much more difficult. What you do may only have little effect and he may need to see a mental health professional.
As for his rude comments, this generally is frustration. It's like dealing with a person who is overweight. Telling them "you are fat" does more damage than teaching them not to be overweight. Having a successful relationship is not easy and takes a lot of work. The fact you are reaching out shows you really want answers, keep asking questions and listen carefully....


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

I'm not sure what your other issues are with him , you mentioned you being the one who carries the burden of the family. So I take it to mean you are the one that does most things, for and with the family, kids etc? Does he not help you much at all with family responsiblities? 

If not, sounds like he is disconnected, and checked out the marriage/family. Is he just lazy? Wasn't taught proper communication skills and also how to to help out? Or maybe he is purposely making you feel everything needs to fall on your shoulders?

You mentioned your family thought you should leave him over some other issues, are these some of those issues?


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## needopinion (Sep 10, 2010)

Many reasons. Obligation. The kids. Religion. 

I accepted long ago that sex wasn't something to leave over... But being attracted to others isn't healthy right? 

There is a guy I know who I am drawn to. I don't talk to him much for that reason. But he's a big muscular confident guy who Owns his own business. Exactly opposite of my husband. I am playing the role of his mother. Even the therapist said that. 

I do believe we are coming to an interesting place because some have thought he stayed with me for my money. I do well professionally. But my salary is about to be cut in half because I am losing my current job in the recession about my new one doesn't pay as well. 

My hubby is already saying things like "I don't know how we will survive". "I think you should wait until another better paying one comes along (so risk being unemployed). 

It's certainly tough on me carrying everything because he refuses to try to get a better paying job. 




that_girl said:


> so why do you stay?


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## needopinion (Sep 10, 2010)

Some have felt I should have left him because he doesn't step in when necessary. I had to have surgery out if state (out patient) awhile ago and he never even asked where I was staying, who the dr was etc. He just textede and said he may have trouble getting home in time for the kids while I was in surgery. Which if course scared me' to death. The kids are most important to me'. 

He just didn't seem to care. That came up i'n therapy and he apologized but when same kinda thing happened last week when I was away interviewing for a job. He basically left early and cane home late from work. 





needopinion said:


> Many reasons. Obligation. The kids. Religion.
> 
> I accepted long ago that sex wasn't something to leave over... But being attracted to others isn't healthy right?
> 
> ...


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Sounds to me like he is just not into the marriage period. Not sure if he has always been like this or if its something that just recently started.


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## needopinion (Sep 10, 2010)

I think it's always been this way, but I've always tried to make excuses for it. 

I keep waiting for the next mistake ... To push me' to divorce him but I always end up forgiving him. But I'm concerned now that this job issue is going to bring out the worst in him. He wants me' to take the higher paying job even if it feels like a mistake. The place was a train wreck and seemed unstable. He sees short term instead of thinking about our family/long term. 



CallaLily said:


> Sounds to me like he is just not into the marriage period. Not sure if he has always been like this or if its something that just recently started.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

It sounds like your husband has really low self esteem and can't handle any feedback. MC is not really effective when one or both partners have their own issues that get in the way of the marriage. Sometimes those issues need to be fixed before MC is effective.

You asked how you could avoid the same problems with a new person if you left your husband. This is a very good question. I heard a therapist say recently - "Your partner is only as healthy as you are." When people are emotionally healthy, they attract healthy people. When people are less emotionally healthy, they tend to attract unhealthy people, even if the type of dysfunction is different. For example, a woman with low self esteem might end up with an abusive man. She's unhealthy and so is he, just in different ways.

So you are likely to find another man who cannot meet your emotional needs until you work on yourself first. Your husband should do the same. If he refuses to get healthy and you become healthy, you will probably want to end the marriage at that point and it will be more clear to you what you need to do.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Sorry you are here, bu welcome.

Lots of stress, issues, and life, kids, busy busy. 
I can personally relate to the "resentments" you might feel towards your husband. It can kill your desire for intimacy.

Other than therapy (which you have done) you could try going out every week for a few hours, alone. Spend time together dating. It doesn't have to cost money, unless you need a sitter? 
Do you do any fun things together?
It's easy to get to a point where you aren't even really friends anymore. It's harder to remind yourself of WHY you married him, and what attracted you to him. And one feeds off the other. You can each sense the lack of interest, and it makes both of you retreat further.

There is a post here about taking just one person to say "enough" and let go past mistakes and be caring and loving towards each other.
It might be worth a read.


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## needopinion (Sep 10, 2010)

The thing is... He is trying. He has made all kinds of "wow" comments about me' today. It has been 3 weeks since we've been together... Because I have been traveling for interviews the past 2 weekends. 

But I hate the fact that I clench my jaw every time I think of sex with him. It's just so fast and he makes it like a Hollywood movie. He heard in therapy that I was upset it felt so cold... So now it's like an artificial production. 

It's tough. 



Laurae1967 said:


> It sounds like your husband has really low self esteem and can't handle any feedback. MC is not really effective when one or both partners have their own issues that get in the way of the marriage. Sometimes those issues need to be fixed before MC is effective.
> 
> You asked how you could avoid the same problems with a new person if you left your husband. This is a very good question. I heard a therapist say recently - "Your partner is only as healthy as you are." When people are emotionally healthy, they attract healthy people. When people are less emotionally healthy, they tend to attract unhealthy people, even if the type of dysfunction is different. For example, a woman with low self esteem might end up with an abusive man. She's unhealthy and so is he, just in different ways.
> 
> So you are likely to find another man who cannot meet your emotional needs until you work on yourself first. Your husband should do the same. If he refuses to get healthy and you become healthy, you will probably want to end the marriage at that point and it will be more clear to you what you need to do.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Hmmm, this takes a lot of patience and courage to try...
but I have done this:
Lead him. Totally. Slow him down.


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## needopinion (Sep 10, 2010)

The problem is... I don't want to. I don't know how to "want" to be with him. I know that sounds bad... But it's the truth 



deejov said:


> Hmmm, this takes a lot of patience and courage to try...
> but I have done this:
> Lead him. Totally. Slow him down.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

The reasons you gave for staying are fixed and not likely to change unless you are misable enough to decide that they don't matter. I don't think you will leave until you get to a tipping point and when that will be is dependant upon how much more you can take. 

There does not seem to be any thIng in this marriage for you. The sex satisfy him but frustrates you, he lives off your salary, he is comfortable with the person he is regardless of how you feel and he does not appear to love you. 

You useful for your income and housekeeping perhaps but not for the love he feels for you. You say he is chearing you on with your job search and you cansider that trying. I think you are interpreting his support incorrectly. You are useful for a paycheck and your job search benifirs him. 

I not sure why you stay but it seems to indicate an unhealthy view of your self worth. If you had higher esteem, you would have left long ago. Work on your self esteem and know your value as a woman, when you do your life will brighten and you will get rid of this parasite. When you do you will wonder what took you so long.
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## needopinion (Sep 10, 2010)

I agree with what you wrote Catherine. You are right. I AM scared of leaving because I'm afraid might not be happy on my own either. My hubby and I have each other ... Our jobs ... The kids and virtually nothing else. 

Now that I am getting pushed out of my current job, it's shown me that I have basically nothing else in my life (besides the kids). I have no close friends. One friend lives out of state (gay man) and my dh even makes sarcastic comments about me' emailing him so much. It's pretty tough when you realize that your career was everything (my dh and I are in same field) and that job is all that we have in common. 

I don't know if that can be repaired?



QUOTE=Catherine602;493289]The reasons you gave for staying are fixed and not likely to change unless you are misable enough to decide that they don't matter. I don't think you will leave until you get to a tipping point and when that will be is dependant upon how much more you can take. 

There does not seem to be any thIng in this marriage for you. The sex satisfy him but frustrates you, he lives off your salary, he is comfortable with the person he is regardless of how you feel and he does not appear to love you. 

You useful for your income and housekeeping perhaps but not for the love he feels for you. You say he is chearing you on with your job search and you cansider that trying. I think you are interpreting his support incorrectly. You are useful for a paycheck and your job search benifirs him. 

I not sure why you stay but it seems to indicate an unhealthy view of your self worth. If you had higher esteem, you would have left long ago. Work on your self esteem and know your value as a woman, when you do your life will brighten and you will get rid of this parasite. When you do you will wonder what took you so long.
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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Just a thought here, prompted by your gratuitously mentioning anothe rman's muscularity and the fact that he has his own business.
I glossed over that, at first, but then started thinking, "why include that information and those attributes?", while pointing out that your husband lacks these. 
I mean, essentially, it would be like a guy who was pointing to his wife's deficiencies mentioning attraction to a women with large breasts, unlike his wife's, and who has her own business.
I wonder if you are at that stage in life where women are said to become desirous of sex with different men, regardless of their husband's qualities. There is a women author, Michelle Langley, who talks about this in her books.
Essentially, it is her theory that at about pre-menopause, women start wanting sex with other men. She claims it is due to the testosterone levels now outwieghing the estrogen. 
Faced with these cravings, a woman is said to be confused, as woemn are socialized to associate lust with sex. They then devalue their husband as they feel that since they feel attraction toward others, they must not love their husbands. It is sort of complicated,and she explains it better than I do.
But see,to me, here is the tell in what you wrote: the gratuitous mentioning of muscularity and your husband's lack thereof. It seems to have no place in this tale, except it does reveal that you are attracted to other men who you percieve as more virile,
It is sort of like a chicken and the egg deal. Are you attracted to other men because of your husband's deficiencies(everyone has them even you) or are these qualities in your H , that were there from the start, being used as justification to pursue that to which you now find yourself attracted.
I bet if you are honest, you will admit that your H , probably, has a list of things about you that he finds less than up to snuff, as well. 
The mention of the income disparity and the other man being a business owner ,again gratutious and seemingly irrelevant to your H's qualities,also may indicate that it may be an attraction to other men that is leading this parade vs your H's deficiencies having caused it. 
don't know. But, think about your having thrown in that muscularity deal and the guy's stats as a successful businessman. If it was merely your H and there was merely a general attraction to others, these details would be irrelevant.
We see this often in the infidelity sections. Attraction to a specific guy leads to comparisons and , what with familiarity and family stresses that the H has to deal with, the other guy looks awfully good.
Your H kissed this way during courtship, no? He lasted the same length of time during sex for years, right(BTW, this should be dealt with, Same with no orgasms for you), his breath has always not been the best, eh?
So , why is it now, with this new, muscular, successful guy in your sights, that these things are much more of a problem than before?


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## needopinion (Sep 10, 2010)

Thanks Arnold. I should state that these feelings for other guys are nothing new. I see how it might appear but I've been fet up with my husbands failures for a long time. (yes I have some too I'm sure). We've separated a couple of times because of non sex related issues. 

I was just asking questions about the sex part because I found myself searching for an escape plan so I didn't have to be with him and I thought that said something ...






Arnold said:


> Just a thought here, prompted by your gratuitously mentioning anothe rman's muscularity and the fact that he has his own business.
> I glossed over that, at first, but then started thinking, "why include that information and those attributes?", while pointing out that your husband lacks these.
> I mean, essentially, it would be like a guy who was pointing to his wife's deficiencies mentioning attraction to a women with large breasts, unlike his wife's, and who has her own business.
> I wonder if you are at that stage in life where women are said to become desirous of sex with different men, regardless of their husband's qualities. There is a women author, Michelle Langley, who talks about this in her books.
> ...


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

needopinion said:


> Thanks Arnold. I should state that these feelings for other guys are nothing new. I see how it might appear but I've been fet up with my husbands failures for a long time. (yes I have some too I'm sure). We've separated a couple of times because of non sex related issues.
> 
> I was just asking questions about the sex part because I found myself searching for an escape plan so I didn't have to be with him and I thought that said something ...
> 
> ...


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I wonder - you seem to be attracted to strong, successful, take charge men - but your husband seems to be very different.

have you lost any respect for him as a "man"?

Perhaps he senses this and fights things because he is resigned to not being able to live up to what you want?


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## needopinion (Sep 10, 2010)

I think that's very possible. I would agree with that synopsis. So I was intensely attracted to my hubby when we first met because he was extremely successful in the career field we are still in today. I am attracted to smart successful men. He had all kinds of talk about succeeding further in our career field. I saw how people admired him - just like I admired him. 

Well all of his plans stopped after he married me'. He stayed i'n the same field but never acted on or discussed advancement dreams ever again. Said he didn't need to ... Joking I was his sugar momma. 

So I have hung on with him and just tried to see him as a good man and father. He is smart. But he acts like a child. I have become the achiever and basically his mother. And the sex part went out the window quite quickly too 



Shaggy said:


> I wonder - you seem to be attracted to strong, successful, take charge men - but your husband seems to be very different.
> 
> have you lost any respect for him as a "man"?
> 
> Perhaps he senses this and fights things because he is resigned to not being able to live up to what you want?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Why did he stop achieving? 

You're a strong person, that comes across clearly in your writing.

Is it possible that he has been too nice of a guy? That he thought he was making the right choices for the relationship and the kids, but they've led both you to a point where you aren't happy?

Would he be open to reading "No more Mr.Nice guy?" 

Is he also getting to that mid life point, where he is starting to assess his choices and achievements? Meanwhile, he sees you pushing on, being successful, but not being attracted to him?

Talk about making a guy see only clouds and not the sunshine.


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## needopinion (Sep 10, 2010)

Well my therapist believes he is a narcissist. He's definitely not a "nice guy". He's typically a good guy but he has that "the world owes me" attitude. 

I have always been the pleaser ... So I have made sure that I achieve enough to fulfill him ... But I'm learning these days that I just can't ever do enough....

He just pushes and pushes but when "I" push him... He becomes hostile. Throws fits ... He was in counseling (no longer seeing symptoms of this) for anger management. He would have road rage or freak out with the kids. 




Shaggy said:


> Why did he stop achieving?
> 
> You're a strong person, that comes across clearly in your writing.
> 
> ...


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Ah ok. 

I will caution you about successful men, and women. Their lives often look wonderful, and their success admirable. But they too often do it at the expense of others around them: friends and especially family.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Well, I think you might want to examine whether being attracted to someone because he is successful and on an upward career path is a valid reason for marrying him. Sounds a bit mercenary, frankly.
If you overlooked his lack of kissing ability, his lasting ability in bed, and his oral hygiene, and his NPD, in exchange for a shot at $$$, that is something you need to look at.
Just playing devil's advocate here. But, think about it. The only quality you mention being attracted to was his career success. And, you mention muscularity and business ownership as attractive features in one of the men you are now attracted to. There is no mention of integrity, kindness, warmth etc,
Perhaps he senses that this is all that you saw in him and has withdrawn.


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## needopinion (Sep 10, 2010)

I was never after his money!!!! My goodness. I have always wanted someone who had goals and could provide for a family. But he turned into a child after we got married. 

I just want to make it clear I was not after money. I have ALWAYs made far more than him ... Even when dating. I just wanted someone who had big dreams. That's all. And I even made sure he was going to church regularly with me. 

I have been married for 11 years and remained faithful. If I was after money or muscles wouldn't I have left long ago? I just wanted to share what I found attractive in my post. 

Btw. He was NOT bad in bed when we were first together. And the breathe thing is very recent. 




Arnold said:


> Well, I think you might want to examine whether being attracted to someone because he is successful and on an upward career path is a valid reason for marrying him. SI just talked to him calmly about it now that we've had time. I asked him if he felt under appreciated. He said no. I said did you need more praise from me'? He said no. I said then what was last about? He said photo) was graphic design. I should have called him the graphic
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If the breath thing is recent - has he been to the dentist. Could be a bad tooth!


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

needopinion said:


> I was never after his money!!!! My goodness. I have always wanted someone who had goals and could provide for a family. But he turned into a child after we got married.
> 
> I just want to make it clear I was not after money. I have ALWAYs made far more than him ... Even when dating. I just wanted someone who had big dreams. That's all. And I even made sure he was going to church regularly with me.
> 
> ...


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## needopinion (Sep 10, 2010)

Well I think kindness and family man are a given for me'. But I wasn't posting about that at all. 

The reason I didn't talk about that in this guy is that I've never even allowed myself to talk to him because I'm a good woman and I don't plan on talking to someone who I find phsyicall attractive. 

It's the way I stay out if trouble. 


Arnold said:


> needopinion said:
> 
> 
> > I was never after his money!!!! My goodness. I have always wanted someone who had goals and could provide for a family. But he turned into a child after we got married.
> ...


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

I am sure my perspective has a lot to do with all the focus I have placed on understanding the dynamics that come into play in the infidelity situation.
The way you describe your H is classically similar to the stories I have seen by folks who have cheated on a spouse and need to justify it. These are situations where the wayward spouse goes back and picks apart the betrayed in order to justify the betrayal.

Maybe the same dynamics come into play whe one is contemplating divorce and needs a way to justify it to him/herself.

But, you must admit(or maybe not) that the gratuitous mention of the guy's muscularity and success, and your H's lack of both of these qualities,calls into question what is going on here.
Here is what I am getting at: Has your husband really changed and is he really a NPD, or are you just looking for a way to justify leaving him? 
I mean how would it sound if I described my wife's shortcomings and my lack of feeling for her, and shortly thereafter mentioned that I had met a woman with a dynamite figure who was wealthy? Wouldn't you question whether my description of my wife was influenced by my attraction to this new woman?


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## needopinion (Sep 10, 2010)

Now that you reverse the situation, I can definitely see what you are saying. It doesn't sound good. However I was honestly innocent with what I said. I didn't mean to imply that I would be going after this other guy... Just that I felt guilty/unhealthy about my feelings of lust for him. I doubt the guy would even care for me but that doesn't concern me'. What does concern me' is my unhealthy thoughts. 

Yes I think my husband has been increasingly worse over the years. I wanted to get married so badly I just didn't follow my gut. I knew the day I married him I was making a sacrifice. It was just my lack of good judgement. 

QUOTE=Arnold;493792]I am sure my perspective has a lot to do with all the focus I have placed on understanding the dynamics that come into play in the infidelity situation.
The way you describe your H is classically similar to the stories I have seen by folks who have cheated on a spouse and need to justify it. These are situations where the wayward spouse goes back and picks apart the betrayed in order to justify the betrayal.

Maybe the same dynamics come into play whe one is contemplating divorce and needs a way to justify it to him/herself.

But, you must admit(or maybe not) that the gratuitous mention of the guy's muscularity and success, and your H's lack of both of these qualities,calls into question what is going on here.
Here is what I am getting at: Has your husband really changed and is he really a NPD, or are you just looking for a way to justify leaving him? 
I mean how would it sound if I described my wife's shortcomings and my lack of feeling for her, and shortly thereafter mentioned that I had met a woman with a dynamite figure who was wealthy? Wouldn't you question whether my description of my wife was influenced by my attraction to this new woman?[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

This isn't really about sex, but is about the state of your relationship, and the state of your mind/decisions.

You need to make a choice. And not making a choice is still making a choice.

_“When you have to make a choice and don't make it, that is in itself a choice.” ~ William James _

No one here can tell you what the best choice would be in your situation. But any choice you make should be carried through whole-heartedly.

If you choose your husband, then GIVE him your all. Then give him your love, your devotion, your time. If he doesn't reciprocate, then you know how much of a priority you are to him.

If you don't choose your husband, then set him free. Put the wheels in to motion.

_“Then indecision brings its own delays,
And days are lost lamenting o'er lost days.
Are you in earnest? Seize this very minute;
What you can do, or dream you can, begin it;
Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.” ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe _

MAKE a decision and GO boldly forward. 

God Bless.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

The above is very good advice. Ithink one of my greatest sources of resentment toward my XWs was the fact that they were dishonest for such a long time. Admittedly, they were not like you , in that they were cheating. 
But, my point is that if your h is good looking and making even halfway decent $$, he is foregoing opportunities to find someone that, perhaps, he would consiider superior to you, in reliance on your agreement re marital fidelity.
What would be the harm in telling him you will no longer have sex with him and are finding yourself attracted to ther men, so that he can take steps to find someone else, as well.
I look back on my first marriage, where my then wife was "exploring" all her options, while I was in the dark, adhering to my vows.
Truth be told, I was more physically attractive than she, smarter, and more people liked me. So, I had the same, if not more options for forays into romance.
Yet, the infidelity was dropped on me like a bombshell and I resented the fact that I had forgone similar opportunities(although I would have pursued them after divorce).
Tell you husband what is going on, so he can make an informed decision re his future.


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## needopinion (Sep 10, 2010)

I don't believe my motivation is to let him "find someone else as well". I am not looking for permission to cheat nor am I considering giving my DH permission to cheat. I don't know what to say, but I know for a fact telling my hubby that I am lusting after other men is NOT going to help our marriage or defer resentment. 

I understand you had a tough time in your relationship, but I can't even tell my hubby his breath stinks without a nuclear meltdown. I certainly think telling him I'm interested in other men (I'm not cheating) would ruin him and his self confidence forever. 




Arnold said:


> The above is very good advice. Ithink one of my greatest sources of resentment toward my XWs was the fact that they were dishonest for such a long time. Admittedly, they were not like you , in that they were cheating.
> But, my point is that if your h is good looking and making even halfway decent $$, he is foregoing opportunities to find someone that, perhaps, he would consiider superior to you, in reliance on your agreement re marital fidelity.
> What would be the harm in telling him you will no longer have sex with him and are finding yourself attracted to ther men, so that he can take steps to find someone else, as well.
> I look back on my first marriage, where my then wife was "exploring" all her options, while I was in the dark, adhering to my vows.
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

So, what do you propose doing?


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

There are more loving ways to tell someone about bad breath than saying their breath stinks. If you really mena that is how youwould phrase it, I would understand his being hurt.
He should know if you have no intention of having a physical relationship, so he can move on if he so desires.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

If you were just dating... then run the other way.

Since you are married, the logical thing to do is find a way, somehow, to lay the cards on the table. Let him know how you feel. Be kind if you can be. Try to provide solutions. Hygeine is fixable. 
Sexual technique is fixable. Fix those things, and then see how you feel.


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