# Surviving an EA?



## Orion09 (May 25, 2012)

Has anybody or couple that has survived an EA and carried on with ur relationships as it was before any cheating o EA?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

clarify the question, do you mean keeping in contact with the EA partner? Or do you mean going back to the way things were before the EA?

the simple answer to both is no

there can be successful R, but "going back to the way things were" is simply a way of rugsweeping. Successful R stories are usually successful because the marriage was recreated. And in no way it is possible to end an EA if the AP's stay in contact imo.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

My wife and I are still married two years after my EA with a better marriage than we had before, but it is certainly not the same. Infidelity kills a marriage, but it is possible for the same couple to build a new one, very difficult, but possible.


----------



## Orion09 (May 25, 2012)

Almostrecovered
I mean go back to the first state of your relationship before the EA, then no more contact with the AP.
Thanx for your views evry1. Here is the situation on ground, galfriend and boyfriend planing marriage, galfriends has an EA at work, telz boyfriend about it before it got nasty, boyfriend forgives and they continue as tho nothing happend ryt. Now since its a marriage setup thing, the boyfriends parents discover the fling, now they tel boyfriend to stop the relationship. Boyfriend luvz his galfriend til death. Wont this pressure force them apart? Wil a marriage like this be succesful if boyfriend sticks and stands up for His galfriend?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Orion09 said:


> Almostrecovered
> I mean go back to the first state of your relationship before the EA, then no more contact with the AP.
> Thanx for your views evry1. Here is the situation on ground, galfriend and boyfriend planing marriage, galfriends has an EA at work, telz boyfriend about it before it got nasty, boyfriend forgives and they continue as tho nothing happend ryt. Now since its a marriage setup thing, the boyfriends parents discover the fling, now they tel boyfriend to stop the relationship. Boyfriend luvz his galfriend til death. Wont this pressure force them apart? Wil a marriage like this be succesful if boyfriend sticks and stands up for His galfriend?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Who are you in this scenario? The GF? the BF? The fling? The parents? An observer?

It is hard enough to give advice with actual facts from an involved party--even harder on a hypothetical basis.

The GF does get points for confessing. But her activity for someone who isn't married and apparently (?) doesn't have children is not something that should be blithely overlooked. I would question whether the BF really "loves her to death," or loves the _idea_ of her to death.

Hypothetically speaking.


----------



## Orion09 (May 25, 2012)

Wel im the friend to the boyfriend. My friend is really down for, in other words these guys are a match made in heaven. But my friend wants outside advice to this. As to go at it the way he feels or trying to act as per advice? Both havent been with other patners before, 1st time lovers
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Orion09 said:


> Wel im the friend to the boyfriend. My friend is really down for, in other words these guys are a match made in heaven. But my friend wants outside advice to this. As to go at it the way he feels or trying to act as per advice? Both havent been with other patners before, 1st time lovers
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Find the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass--it is available at any library. Educate yourself about emotional affairs and how they work.

But here is the problem.

It's possible this was a one-time thing. She's immature, she crossed some boundaries, she realized how stupid it was after she got in over her head. She confessed and ended it on her own. That is all well and good.

However, find out why she confessed. Sometimes, people confess and 'end' things on their own because their SO is going to find out some other way. So they fess up as a way to control the information. They get in there first, tell their story, and then when/if the SO finds out more some other way, they've already got some damage control underway.

Going back to immaturity--this would seem like something someone does when they're not ready for marriage. It's not entirely uncommon for people who are DATING to meet other people they like better. Yes, we'd like that to happen after one relationship has ended entirely before starting the next. And yes, we'd really like it to happen before a formal engagement. But that is what engagements and dating are FOR. We shouldn't just pair off with the first person to come along. Dating is precisely to find out, is this person life partner material? Or not.

And that goes to his "loving her to death." I find that phrase rather creepy, TBH. It makes her sound like a Barbie doll. Like maybe he's idealized her too much.

At a bare minimum, before he even thinks about setting a date, he should enter couples counseling with her. He should find someone familiar with the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass (she was a nationally recognized infidelity researcher), because someone else is likely going to minimize this inappropriate relationship. They might just say, oh, what's past is past, she confessed, stop ruminating. That is rugsweeping and always a big mistake.

Because the truth is--some people who do this only do it once. Others do it because of a personality defect. They are attention seekers and one person isn't going to satisfy them. They might do this because they're self-centered, or because instead, they hate themselves. But if they have this serious problem, it will rear its head again, he can bet on it.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Everything else aside - if a woman is engaged to be married and gets caught up in an EA (meaning she has developed feelings of love for another guy), in my opinion she is not suited for marriage or she was never committed to her fiance to begin with. Cheating is cheating and she did it before the marriage.

The guy just got a look at his future if he marries this woman. He just got a get out of jail free card. He should take it.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> Everything else aside - if a woman is engaged to be married and gets caught up in an EA (meaning she has developed feelings of love for another guy), in my opinion she is not suited for marriage or she was never committed to her fiance to begin with. Cheating is cheating and she did it before the marriage.
> 
> The guy just got a look at his future if he marries this woman. He just got a get out of jail free card. He should take it.


:iagree:

my advice is based on the fact that the OP isn't the boyfriend, and this boyfriend sounds like he's not going to listen to reason...


----------

