# wife texting and confusion



## paulmav

My wife has suddenly started texting a coworker who she says is a good friend. She is texting him but only the last few weeks. Always tries to do it privately. He is already in a relationship. The confusing part is she keeps telling me how much she loves me, and planning a vacation. Sex life is still there, and she is affectionate. Always glad to see me and we still have good conversations. All this is confusing. Does anyone have any advise or thoughts


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## KathyBatesel

Yes... Put a stop to it now, before it stops being "just friends." 

If she isn't willing to make your relationship more important than her right to text someone she works with, then take it as a sign to move on without her.


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## mablenc

Married people should not text friends privalty, Ask her to show you her phone, if she has nothing to hide she will show you and answer all your questions. A guilty person will get mad, say you are controlling, you don't trust me, you are crazy, paranoid, how could you think that. Don't fall for any of it, a cheater will make you feel guilty for questioning her. Stay strong, read more postings here especially he newbie link.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## paulmav

she doesn't leave the house alone, we are always together. She does work late though as they implemented a new system and all her co-workers do. I confronted her about it and she told me she would stop as she sees the toll it is taking on me and our family life. She already told me she wants to be with me as if she didn't she would not have come back with me and have kids. We were seperated 8 years ago for a year. In the last few days she is less secretive when she is using her phone as she does it mostly when I am in the same room but I still suspect some texting. During the weekends she mostly does not pick up her phone


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## tom67

I would confirm that all the coworkers are in fact working late. Could be the truth but I would verify myself.


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## Saki

Red flag for sure, especially the in private part.

Once she puts a password on the phone you'll know she's crossed the line.

Squash it before it gets there.


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## WorkingOnMe

It's the secrecy that is the problem, not the texting in and of itself.


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## paulmav

she doesn't spend money on anything. We are together most of the time, with the kids


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## mablenc

Paul, did she say she never leaves alone and that you are always together?
Sounds too familiar, sounds like cheater script if she did. When would I have time to cheat is also a common one.

Pass by her workplace on a late shift see if she is there.
I will tell you this, you know her and well if you feel something is up it is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## paulmav

Saki said:


> Red flag for sure, especially the in private part.
> 
> Once she puts a password on the phone you'll know she's crossed the line.
> 
> Squash it before it gets there.


The password was there prior to any suspicions!


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## A Bit Much

I think you're suspicious for a reason. Suddenly texting a so called good friend doesn't sound right, nor does the privacy part. It's out of nowhere and bears watching.


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## paulmav

mablenc said:


> Paul, did she say she never leaves alone and that you are always together?
> Sounds too familiar, sounds like cheater script if she did. When would I have time to cheat is also a common one.
> 
> Pass by her workplace on a late shift see if she is there.
> I will tell you this, you know her and well if you feel something is up it is.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No that is me. We are always together! Except when she is at work


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## mablenc

And it may be nothing, however it can be a great opportunity to shield your marriage from these behaviors that can end up in affairs. No harm in confirming 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ladywriter

paulmav said:


> My wife has suddenly started texting a coworker who she says is a good friend. She is texting him but only the last few weeks. Always tries to do it privately. He is already in a relationship. The confusing part is she keeps telling me how much she loves me, and planning a vacation. Sex life is still there, and she is affectionate. Always glad to see me and we still have good conversations. All this is confusing. Does anyone have any advise or thoughts


 Ask her straight out, why are you keeping that private between you and your male friend? Myself and my female friends text privately but thats mainly due to womens issues of which my husband I dont think would want to know about their personal probs. But when its opposite sex its different.


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## paulmav

Yes it is. But maybe it's just jealousy on my part? Because that could also have a negative impact on my relationship. also last time we got seperated, we were arguing and there was no intimacy. This time it's totally different we don't argue and we are intimate. I hear you all, just confused
Especially when she wants a 3rd kid with me


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## Cubby

Find out exactly how often she texts this 'friend.' Your carrier will allow you to open up an online account and you can see all the texts she sends and receives. Not the content of the texts, but the number. Do this quietly and without her knowing....which leads to the second part: When you have a chance (when she's in the shower?) grab her phone and look at the texts. If she's deleting the texts to friend, and the number of texts in the phone don't match up to the online records, then you have a big red flag.


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## happyman64

It is ok to be confused. That is understandable.

But you guys were separated before.

And her hidden activity with a male coworker could lead you to being separated again.

Tell her to knock it off and leave the phone unlocked.

My wife knows my password and her phone is unlocked.

You need to stand up and not be swayed by her BS.

And yes, confirm the late nights at work.


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## Toffer

Also turn it back on her

Ask her ho would she feel if the roles were reversed?


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## Ladywriter

paulmav said:


> Yes it is. But maybe it's just jealousy on my part? Because that could also have a negative impact on my relationship. also last time we got seperated, we were arguing and there was no intimacy. This time it's totally different we don't argue and we are intimate. I hear you all, just confused
> Especially when she wants a 3rd kid with me


 Ask her out right, I always believe in the truth. Maybe you could also become friends with the friend she is texting, my husband has a male mate of whom I text as well, nothing bad or naughty just mates. my husband knows this and there has never been any under handedness. I tell my husband anyway oh I text your mate about a film or a joke or something. And if he asked what the text was I would show him, I got nothing to hide. But I must say I only text his mate very ocassionally. I have text my husband brother as well, as had a question before and my husband said, oh you text my brother and ask him then. I said to him, whats wrong with your fingers, he said, they are resting.

To add, if she works late why dont you offer to pick her up if you are not working at that time. See what she says. If she drive to work say, I will pick you up so you can have a rest and not drive. See what her reaction is to this. Or phone her when she says she at work and ask how its going, when will you be home as I was just concerned really. That way it dont look demanding but more caring. 

Tell you a small story. my husband brother married a person who came into this country, she only married to remain here. Some time later she seemed to go missing for a while, when my husband said to him, where does your wife work, he said I dont know. my husband said WFT, what do you mean, you dont know. Later she was discovered at some hospital with a fake name and she had been beaten up but didnt want the police involved. Then she quickly skipped the country for an operation in her own country so she stated. And returned 6 months later. Its like she was hiding from some one. Brother In Law had no clue about her and still does not now. Then discovered she was working late in Soho London but he still didnt know where. This is an extreme case really but its good to know each other well. 

Oh another thing you could do, you could turn up at her work to pick her up. I mean without her knowing you are turning up. That way you will see if she comes out of the building but if they say she left ages ago and she tell you she was still at work then well, there are signs also. or if you dont drive get public transport there. Maybe she had gone to the pub/bar for a drink, if you know what one she go to then go there, or ask at her work, do you know where she has gone I need to speak to her about something important, that way it wont look to her work mates that you are suspicious of her.


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## Cubby

Ladywriter said:


> Ask her straight out, why are you keeping that private between you and your male friend?


I wouldn't ask her straight out yet. I would find out exactly how many texts and if possible, the nature of the texts. He really needs to know what he's dealing with.

If it's an emotional affair (or worse) and he comes out and asks her about it, she can deny, minimize, call him crazy to think she'd do anything inappropriate. She might even do something as horrific as label him as being _controlling!_(gasp!) 

Then the affair goes underground, making it harder for him to find out just what's going on.

I'm a believer in getting the facts lined up before confrontation.


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## Cubby

Part 2 of my advice: If you do find out the texting is just innocent banter back and forth, then you need to obtain the classic book, "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.

You have reason to be concerned, and after reading the book, your eyes will be opened by how easy it is for innocent opposite sex friendships to cross boundaries into inappropriateness and eventually into full-blown cheating.


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## Mark72

paulmav said:


> The password was there prior to any suspicions!


Do you know the password?


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## tom67

Mark72 said:


> Do you know the password?


You should both know each others passwords there should be no secrets if she has a problem with that it is a big red flag nip this now.


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## paulmav

_Posted via Mobile Device_
I do not have the password. Example i just texeted her and asked her what time she will finish. The answer was soon all i want is to be with my family. And somehow i believe this as every weekend she is so involved with me and the kids she barely picks up the phone


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## Ladywriter

paulmav said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> I do not have the password. Example i just texeted her and asked her what time she will finish. The answer was soon all i want is to be with my family. And somehow i believe this as every weekend she is so involved with me and the kids she barely picks up the phone


 There could be psychological aspects, all of a sudden a person becomes evasive or secretive or the total opposite and start to be really nice or buy you things as a guilt thing when they never did any of this before. Its like, my partner never bothers with this and now he/she is. Why now all of a sudden, they are being really nice, all of a sudden. They are evasive to my questions or change the subject. or maybe she is just genuine and there is nothing going on.

This is a funny yet silly example, I ate my husbands cake before, why, because I wanted it. he said my cake is missing when he came home, I had this long story ready for him of course. Then it was so stupid I told him a squirrel got in and ate it.


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## Saki

It could be innocent. And go on for months or years innocently.

Then one day it suddenly turns not innocent. 

Again, squash it before it gets there.


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## tom67

paulmav said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> I do not have the password. Example i just texeted her and asked her what time she will finish. The answer was soon all i want is to be with my family. And somehow i believe this as every weekend she is so involved with me and the kids she barely picks up the phone


You are her husband get the password no secrets in a marriage.


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## Toffer

This weekend purposely leave your phone somewhere and tell her you need to borrow hers to look something up or make an important canal

How she reacts to this request will be very telling
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wiserforit

Trust your gut.

A guilty conscience will result in those re-assurances to the spouse when they are covering their butt. If the other fellow is in a relationship and busy on week-ends with that love interest then it would explain the lack of communication on week ends.


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## NextTimeAround

I don't understand what 2 people could be constantly texting about anyway.

Be careful, OP, I figured that once my fiancé texted his EA while we were on a date. I guess when I went to the bathroom and he went must have been the times he did it.


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## warlock07

What phone does she have ? You need to act carefully as your actions will break or make your marriage.

No, it is not jealousy. These gut feelings happen for a reason


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## Emerald

Firstly, separate your issues.

Yes, she probably does love you very much & wants to spend all of her free time with you & her family.

The above does not mean she may be entering EA/PA territory with this new texting activity. Many people are not aware of EA's & if so, don't consider them cheating.

It is important to know why she feels the need to text a co-worker outside of work. Most, if not all, co-workers are NOT friends, when the work day ends, so does the relationship.

Once in awhile, people do become "outside" friends with co-workers but they are of the same sex. If your wife suddenly has a new male co-worker "friend" it is a huge red flag not to be ignored.

What kind of work does she do?


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## paulmav

Anyways i just about gave up. What will it change? Do i want to 
Be with someone like that? I have to look out for myself. Might sound selfish but thats the best i think
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## paulmav

After my last declaration, it seems that my wife has stopped using her phone as much, just lets it all over while before had it glued to her hand. She wants to plan a vacation and at the same time talking about having more kids. Not sure what to make of everything, she always keeps saying how she loves her family and wears a family pendants she had bought.


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## Toffer

The other guy may have also blown her off or perhaps his wife called him on his excessive texting to your wife.


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## paulmav

Toffer said:


> The other guy may have also blown her off or perhaps his wife called him on his excessive texting to your wife.



I don't know what it is. She is making longterm plans, tells me she loves me starting to use the phone when I am there. talking abour have 2 more kids. All this is what is throwing me off.


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## the guy

paulmav said:


> I don't know what it is. She is making longterm plans, tells me she loves me starting to use the phone when I am there. talking abour have 2 more kids. All this is what is throwing me off.


Its called a "fling".

See you offer her security, stability and a future. 

Were as the OM offers exciting fantasy and attention, she knows their is no future with this coworker, but the attention she is getting can be addicting. 

If not checked the currency for this attention is often sex and thats when the Ea turns into a PA.

Do not sweep this under the rug and educate your self. You have a fragile marriage, and a wife that lacks boundaries. My concern is in a year or less..maybe more she starts up again.

It appears she is affair proofing the marriage for now, but unless her capacity to fall away from the marriage is there it needs to be addressed so in the future she has the tools to affair proof her marriage.


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## sandc

Just ask to see the texts. Will she not let you? If she is deleting them then why?

Is her office such that you can visit her when she is working late? Get a sitter and pop in some time.

What kind of phone is she using? Smart phones have all kinds of apps you can use to locate the phone, turn on the microphone so you can listen to what's happening. This is how another TAM'er found out his wife was cheating on him.


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## VFW

Paulmav, be careful how you approach this situation, not every situation is DEFCON 1. You really are at DEFCON 4 (Increased intelligence watch and strengthened security measures). You said her phone usage is down, she does not have unaccounted time and is looking to do family things in the future. These are all GOOD things.

Before you go ripping the phone from her hand and demanding to see messages, look at the phone records online. If you are still concerned, leave your phone at home when you are going somewhere together and have a reason, why you need to borrow her phone. You can nonchalantly tell her you kind of like her phone and look at a couple of things, as if you are considering getting one or something. Look to up the ante as necessary and don't just drop the bomb as a first strike. When you do that, you have no where to go AND you might just be wrong. Trust, but verify.


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## paulmav

VFW said:


> Paulmav, be careful how you approach this situation, not every situation is DEFCON 1. You really are at DEFCON 4 (Increased intelligence watch and strengthened security measures). You said her phone usage is down, she does not have unaccounted time and is looking to do family things in the future. These are all GOOD things.
> 
> Before you go ripping the phone from her hand and demanding to see messages, look at the phone records online. If you are still concerned, leave your phone at home when you are going somewhere together and have a reason, why you need to borrow her phone. You can nonchalantly tell her you kind of like her phone and look at a couple of things, as if you are considering getting one or something. Look to up the ante as necessary and don't just drop the bomb as a first strike. When you do that, you have no where to go AND you might just be wrong. Trust, but verify.



Last weekend I asked her why she was always on her phone and secretely and why she finishes her texts with kisses. She was surprised of the question and proceded to tell me that she doesn't want to leave me and that if that was the case she would have never got back together with me. She decided to get back with me for the long haul. She has a good life and doesn't want to do anything to ruin it. Yes she texts the certain person but there is nothing there he just listened and gave her advise. On Monday she told me she would stop texting but will still talk to the person in question. Since then is when things changed and she is a little bit more open. Only nce she called me controlling as I sneaked up on her to see what she was doing. Sorry for all the bits and pieces it's hard for me to talk about all these things


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## Decorum

paulmav said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> I do not have the password. Example i just texeted her and asked her what time she will finish. The answer was soon all i want is to be with my family. And somehow i believe this as every weekend she is so involved with me and the kids she barely picks up the phone


Me thinks the lady doth protest to much!

Somthing was going on, tell her you need honest transparency to move foward, ask to see the texts.

Tell her you are not ok with her finding emotional support from another man outside your marriage and since she does it in private you can only assume the worst.

If she loves you and wants to assure you for the sake of your future then she should bring it into the light.


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## stuck in los angeles

Cubby said:


> I wouldn't ask her straight out yet. I would find out exactly how many texts and if possible, the nature of the texts. He really needs to know what he's dealing with.
> 
> If it's an emotional affair (or worse) and he comes out and asks her about it, she can deny, minimize, call him crazy to think she'd do anything inappropriate. She might even do something as horrific as label him as being _controlling!_(gasp!)
> 
> Then the affair goes underground, making it harder for him to find out just what's going on.
> 
> *I'm a believer in getting the facts lined up before confrontation*.


Definitely. The problem also, is that we all want to believe our spouse before we believe our gut intuition that they could be straying as that possibilty is so painful.


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## sandc

paulmav said:


> Last weekend I asked her why she was always on her phone and secretely and why she finishes her texts with kisses. She was surprised of the question and proceded to tell me that she doesn't want to leave me and that if that was the case she would have never got back together with me. She decided to get back with me for the long haul. She has a good life and doesn't want to do anything to ruin it. *Yes she texts the certain person but there is nothing there he just listened and gave her advise. On Monday she told me she would stop texting but will still talk to the person in question.* Since then is when things changed and she is a little bit more open. Only nce she called me controlling as I sneaked up on her to see what she was doing. Sorry for all the bits and pieces it's hard for me to talk about all these things


Translation: Oh, you suspect something? We'll be more careful in the future, thank you honey.

The constant reassurances of "I don't want to lose you" are what I keep keying on. A woman who is secure in the love of her husband doesn't say those things repeatedly. I mean, why would she lose you?


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## Entropy3000

paulmav said:


> she doesn't leave the house alone, we are always together. She does work late though as they implemented a new system and all her co-workers do. I confronted her about it and she told me she would stop as she sees the toll it is taking on me and our family life. She already told me she wants to be with me as if she didn't she would not have come back with me and have kids. We were seperated 8 years ago for a year. In the last few days she is less secretive when she is using her phone as she does it mostly when I am in the same room but I still suspect some texting. During the weekends she mostly does not pick up her phone


This is all besides the point. One has to understand EAs. Put a stop to it now. EAs can escalate overnight.

If this continues she will have to go complete NC and that means quiting her job.

In fact, if your marriage is important to you you should ask her to start lookig for another place to work.


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## Decorum

Entropy3000 said:


> This is all besides the point. One has to understand EAs. Put a stop to it now. EAs can escalate overnight.
> 
> If this continues she will have to go complete NC and that means quiting her job.
> 
> In fact, if your marriage is important to you you should ask her to start lookig for another place to work.


QFT

This would be completely unacceptable to me. "I'm not gonna control what you do I am only going to tell you what I will do, do what you want, but this is not ok with me, its this man and this job or me, you are free to choose the life you want as am I, should you choose me please understand I will NEVER be ok with you going outside our marriage and having close male friends!" "Shame on you for your secrecy, and for jeopardizing you marriage, it makes no sense to me."

"If you will take the pervious statements and say to even one person that I am being controlling in some way then I want nothing to do with you!" "You are in that case not the person or partner that I thought you were!"


I love that avatar entropy, "On the lookout for evil"


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## themagicalbeing2013

paulmav said:


> Especially when she wants a 3rd kid with me


Just make sure that the kid is yours.. I agree with some of the other post.. ask her why she wants to text this person privately...


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## F-102

sandc said:


> Translation: Oh, you suspect something? We'll be more careful in the future, thank you honey.
> 
> The constant reassurances of "I don't want to lose you" are what I keep keying on. A woman who is secure in the love of her husband doesn't say those things repeatedly. I mean, why would she lose you?


But she will still TALK to him? In other words: "I'll still keep contact with him, but I won't do it where you can catch me."

She came back with "I don't want to lose you". In other words: "I am admitting guilt and wrongdoing. I'm trying to lighten the sentence before the crime is confirmed."

Face the facts, paulmav: she wants you to be her "husband", with the absolute emotional bare-bones minimum that that word implies, but she wants to have a "true love" on the side.


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## paulmav

well the texts have stopped. Asked her if she is texting the guy, she told me when do I have the time, we are always together then she said all I want is to reconnect and be like we were. and then got the biggest hug.


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## paulmav

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Great news except...she wants to reconnect? What does that tell you? Your posts in this thread indicated that you two spent a lot of time together, had stimulating conversations and had a good sex life. But she just told you that she wanted to reconnect.
> 
> My best guess: She wanted to get to know this coworker better, she was spurned and now wants to "reconnect" - something that you never knew was a problem. The coworker made her feel distant to you - either by his efforts or him doing this unwittingly. Clearly there was an outside factor that caused your wife to feel distant from you despite the fact that you and her appeared to be doing all of the right things from spending time together. No neglect or anything that you did - from what I can tell based on what was written in this thread - caused her to feel distant to you.
> 
> I have no doubt in my mind that there was an EA here at a minimum - possibly a one-sided EA on her part.


Reconnect as in not doubting her love for me and her commitment as you asked me to stop and I did.


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## whatslovegottodowithit?

Who is your wireless carrier? If it's Verizon, you can block all incoming txts/calls from a specific number using the online account manager.

Type of phone? iPhone? There are plenty of threads here on how to access it. You should have the phone password as a show of good faith that she wishes to "reconnect".


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## NewM

You could install spy software on her phone and see everything:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/67661-become-spy-catching-them-technology.html


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## Ladywriter

paulmav said:


> My wife has suddenly started texting a coworker who she says is a good friend. She is texting him but only the last few weeks. Always tries to do it privately. He is already in a relationship. The confusing part is she keeps telling me how much she loves me, and planning a vacation. Sex life is still there, and she is affectionate. Always glad to see me and we still have good conversations. All this is confusing. Does anyone have any advise or thoughts


 This is a total opposite end of a text. Yesterday when I was sleeping my phone went off and my husband just looked at the text, otherwise my phone will keep on a reminder thingy I have it on. The next day was going through my texts and a reply from my friend about something I wanted to know, I said to my husband did you check this text, he said, yeah I forgot to tell you your friend text you, I said oh thanks a lot I was waiting for that answer on that to.


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## Decorum

paulmav said:


> well the texts have stopped. Asked her if she is texting the guy, she told me when do I have the time, we are always together then she said all I want is to reconnect and be like we were. and then got the biggest hug.


So you will rugsweep an emotional affair for a big hug.

How much can she get for a BJ?



paulmav said:


> Reconnect as in not doubting her love for me and her commitment as you asked me to stop and I did.


She said she will stop the texting, has she cut off all contact?
She has poor emotional boundaries!
She is not acting like a good and honest woman, but if you love her and dont mind having to keep an eye on her for the rest of your life maybe it will work.

Since she will not be open with you, and you will not make her accountable, than hopefuly you will never have to let her out of your sight. Problem solved!


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## F-102

Sounds like you may have very well intervened in the nick of time and shot down what could have evolved into a full-blown affair before it even got off the runway.

Perhaps some counseling may be good, as it may show you how to effectively "reconnect".


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## mablenc

paulmav said:


> well the texts have stopped. Asked her if she is texting the guy, she told me when do I have the time, we are always together then she said all I want is to reconnect and be like we were. and then got the biggest hug.


I warned you about the "when do I have the time" Cheater script on the day you first posted (page 1) Instead of saying no, I am not texting and will not. Here my phone if you need to check. I know you want to believe her and I hope she is being truthful but this is a red flag to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wiserforit

paulmav said:


> Last weekend I asked her why she was always on her phone and secretely and *why she finishes her texts with kisses.*


WTF?! _Because she is kissing him_. 



> She was surprised of the question and proceded to tell me that she doesn't want to leave me and that if that was the case she would have never got back together with me.


Calling you stupid. Who ya gonna believe - me, or your lying eyes? Watching her give this guy kisses.


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## paulmav

last night was another big fight. I wasn't feeling good so she asked me what is wrong, I couldn't take it anymore and told her how I felt. Then she started screaming and said I won't talk to him anymore, that's what you want I respect our relationship and that is why I won't anymore. I hat ethe way you are affected and you win again. All contact is finished. So I said ok. At night before bed another argument and tells me I don't know what you are thinking in your head but all I can tell you is you are wrong. I turned and said yeah whatever and probably I am the problem, she said yes. I read the 180 and that is were I am now. Will put everything into practise and see were things go from here


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## A Bit Much

paulmav said:


> last night was another big fight. I wasn't feeling good so she asked me what is wrong, I couldn't take it anymore and told her how I felt. Then she started screaming and said I won't talk to him anymore, that's what you want I respect our relationship and that is why I won't anymore. I hat ethe way you are affected and you win again. All contact is finished. So I said ok. At night before bed another argument and tells me I don't know what you are thinking in your head but all I can tell you is you are wrong. I turned and said yeah whatever and probably I am the problem, she said yes. I read the 180 and that is were I am now. Will put everything into practise and see were things go from here


When a fight has to occur regarding a 3rd party involvement in a marriage, I have to believe that things were as bad as your gut tried to point out.

No one would have a knock down drag out over someone else unless there were feelings involved. She was/is attached to this other person, no matter how much she tries to convince you otherwise.


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## Manna

The most important thing is for you to have the conversation that has been going on in this thread with your wife. I've noticed that everyone in this forum is very quick to point and say, "Cheater! Cheater!" But there are any number of things that could be going on, many of them harmless. Communication is what saves marriages, and I'm not convinced yours needs saving.


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## Toffer

Paul,

You could also tell your wife simply that the contact with this guy did not make you feel comfortable at all and that if EITHER of you isn't comfortable with a "friendship" the other one has (regardless if it's a male or a female), that friendship should be ended to help keep the marriage on track


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## paulmav

Toffer said:


> Paul,
> 
> You could also tell your wife simply that the contact with this guy did not make you feel comfortable at all and that if EITHER of you isn't comfortable with a "friendship" the other one has (regardless if it's a male or a female), that friendship should be ended to help keep the marriage on track


That is what she said that she would not talk to him anymore to make me happy save what we have. I asked her to meet him and she said are you crazy you think i'm cheating with him you can't you'll want to kill him. She is right on that though.
Also today she mentioned that she would like to go on vacation and leave her phone here so that we can spend all our time together and disconnect totally from work and all.


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## sandc

Search her purse, her car, and your house for a burner phone.


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## paulmav

sandc said:


> Search her purse, her car, and your house for a burner phone.


that is the one thing I do not see her getting. At night it would be ackward and secondly she would never do that as we have one bank account. Not her style!


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## sandc

paulmav said:


> that is the one thing I do not see her getting. At night it would be ackward and secondly she would never do that as we have one bank account. Not her style!


Fair enough but... is having an inappropriate relationship with another man her style?


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## Entropy3000

paulmav said:


> that is the one thing I do not see her getting. At night it would be ackward and secondly she would never do that as we have one bank account. Not her style!


Since affairs impair thought process and many people flat out realize they are not dealing with the same person, I would suggest to you that what her style was has nothing to do with her current actions.

Some wives would not have the still of going to another man's place and has sex with them either. But it happens time after time.

So forget what you precieve as her style. You are not dealing with the same person mentally now.


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## MrK

Secret texting ending in kisses. That is ALL you need to know.

She either cops to the affair, stops rugsweeping and starts doing some heavy lifting to reconcile or...

or what? Help me here.


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## Toffer

Polygraph

I think it's the only way you'll ever know for sure

Oh, and to make it fair, volunteer to take one too


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## mablenc

Oh and i did think I was crazy and got help, I also got very sick and for a whole year we fought because I was making up things in my mind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_

My biggest mistakes were to doub my self and what I was seeing and wanting to believe him that bad. I also cried begged and pleaded. Which I should not have done.


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## paulmav

mablenc said:


> Oh and i did think I was crazy and got help, I also got very sick and for a whole year we fought because I was making up things in my mind.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> 
> My biggest mistakes were to doub my self and what I was seeing and wanting to believe him that bad. I also cried begged and pleaded. Which I should not have done.


I'm expecting the worse! The only reason i have for not walking away without finding out the truth is my 2 children. I don't want to see them everyother week. I am going to do the 180 method and think of myself for once. The next few months will be determining. Worst thing is it only started a month ago.


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## mablenc

Same here it lasted one month too, we worked it out. We both had been through life changing unpleasant situations and it happened. Big lessons learned big changes. Lots of pain but we are still here. I think you will be ok, I think it's early and I think that if you do thinks the right way (unlike me) it will be easier and you will be fine. The key is to gather all evidence and confront. I did this wrong I confronted with everything I found on the spot. Also, I did not use my head I used my heart and well it failed me.:scratchhead:


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## paulmav

sitting here wondering something to myself, maybe you guys can help. If someone is in an affair, why would they plan for a future with a spouse? more kids, a retirement home, savings for the future. Is their reality so distorted


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## lifeistooshort

paulmav said:


> sitting here wondering something to myself, maybe you guys can help. If someone is in an affair, why would they plan for a future with a spouse? more kids, a retirement home, savings for the future. Is their reality so distorted


Because the affair doesn't represent the future for them, at least right now. Its fun on the side and when they're done they can go back to the stable relationship. Doesn't always work out that way but most of the time they don't think they'll get caught.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sandc

paulmav said:


> sitting here wondering something to myself, maybe you guys can help. If someone is in an affair, why would they plan for a future with a spouse? more kids, a retirement home, savings for the future. Is their reality so distorted


Think of it this way. When you go on vacation, it isn't with the expectation that you will live in vacationland for the rest of your life. You expect to go there, have your fun, and come back home and back to work again. So you don't stop planning your future just because you go on vacation.


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## paulmav

sandc said:


> Think of it this way. When you go on vacation, it isn't with the expectation that you will live in vacationland for the rest of your life. You expect to go there, have your fun, and come back home and back to work again. So you don't stop planning your future just because you go on vacation.


Ok but you cuddle with your husband, go on dates, talk, cry together, make love often and all the rest of the stuff a normal couple does. So what is the thrill?


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## A Bit Much

paulmav said:


> Ok but you cuddle with your husband, go on dates, talk, cry together, make love often and all the rest of the stuff a normal couple does. So what is the thrill?


Thrill seeking is fun that's why.

People bungee jump for the thrill.

People ride motorcycles for the thrill.

People like rollercoasters for the thrill.

If you can have your cake and eat it too, wouldn't you??


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## sandc

paulmav said:


> Ok but you cuddle with your husband, go on dates, talk, cry together, make love often and all the rest of the stuff a normal couple does. So what is the thrill?


I fly airplanes for the thrill.

The thrill is someone new. Don't you remember that feeling you had when you were first dating someone? The first kiss? The first time you had sex? That wasn't a thrill?


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## paulmav

sandc said:


> I fly airplanes for the thrill.
> 
> The thrill is someone new. Don't you remember that feeling you had when you were first dating someone? The first kiss? The first time you had sex? That wasn't a thrill?


Yeah but I wasn't with anybody and had no children.


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## sandc

paulmav said:


> Yeah but I wasn't with anybody and had no children.


I know this is going to sound sarcastic but... Yeah? So what's your point? That's you. You are not her. She is missing something in her life and rather than discuss it with you she is looking outside the marriage for it.


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## Shaggy

Cheaters very often compartmentalize their real life and their affair. That's why they can make long term plans without blinking. They see affair as completely separate.

Twist? Yes, but also true.

Have either of you read Not Just Friends by S. Glass?


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## A Bit Much

paulmav said:


> Yeah but I wasn't with anybody and had no children.


The want to thrill seek doesn't die because you get married and have children. I've been married 10 years and I still like to have spontenaety and fun in my life. I'll tell you something else, it's a thrill to get attention from people other than your spouse. Makes you feel good. What one SHOULD do is take that and smile, and pour those good feelings back into their marriage.

That's not what was going on here. She was spending an inordinate amount of time texting another man. Enough to where you got upset and came to TAM to find answers to why. I don't think that should be overlooked or minimized, as you're doing right now. Her reaction to you telling her how you felt about it and your looming unease is evidence that this is a serious problem.

And in all seriousness, she can gas your head up about your future and kids and bubble gum drops and candy kisses and STILL be doing what she wants on the side. Don't think it can't happen, it does all the time.


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## mablenc

Same here we were. Buying a home and planing on having another child. The way he states it, he got pulled in knew it was wrong but liked the attention and the thrill of doing something you should not be doing. 

We bought the home (still unaware and in denial) but put the baby on hold for now bc I just knew something was up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## paulmav

mablenc said:


> Same here we were. Buying a home and planing on having another child. The way he states it, he got pulled in knew it was wrong but liked the attention and the thrill of doing something you should not be doing.
> 
> We bought the home (still unaware and in denial) but put the baby on hold for now bc I just knew something was up.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I get it, but she is a woman she has to go through a 9month pregnancy. Why would you put yourself through that. Unless it's an easy way of ending an affair


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## Wiserforit

paulmav said:


> last night was another big fight. I wasn't feeling good so she asked me what is wrong, I couldn't take it anymore and told her how I felt. Then she started screaming and said I won't talk to him anymore, that's what you want I respect our relationship and that is why I won't anymore.


Screaming?

This is the woman who claims that all she wants is to re-connect and prove her love to you? Screaming at you in fury for being _forced_ to do the thing she claims to want so much?

She's off the charts with radically inconsistent behavior. If she were telling the truth she would GLADLY, EAGERLY cut off all contact with anyone you mentioned that gave you even the slightest worry.


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## F-102

paulmav said:


> sitting here wondering something to myself, maybe you guys can help. If someone is in an affair, why would they plan for a future with a spouse? more kids, a retirement home, savings for the future. Is their reality so distorted


She could be telling you what you want to hear so that you will shut the f**k up and get off her case. Then she can spend more energy on the OM and less enregy on trying to stay one step ahead of you.


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## paulmav

not much has changed, I have no other proof of anything anymore. Texts at home if any are down to 1 a day.Wife more affectionate the last few days. Saying that she loves me, cuddling dancing with me. Told me that next month we should start thinking about having another child. 
I know I should not believe anything.


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## Cdelta02

why havent you insisted on no contact?


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## paulmav

Cdelta02 said:


> why havent you insisted on no contact?


I did a week ago and she said she would but not even sure that it was a text.


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## Entropy3000

paulmav said:


> I did a week ago and she said she would but not even sure that it was a text.


Sorry, if I missed that she changed jobs.

If she is with the guy she is not NC. Period. 

My EA was at work.


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## paulmav

Entropy3000 said:


> Sorry, if I missed that she changed jobs.
> 
> If she is with the guy she is not NC. Period.
> 
> My EA was at work.


you had an EA?
Was it only at work?


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## Entropy3000

paulmav said:


> you had an EA?
> Was it only at work?


Yup.

I ended up quiting my job to go NC


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## F-102

So, she's uh...still texting him, huh?

And, you're, ummm...still allowing it, hmmm?


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## Madman1

Dude,
You should be afraid to let this go on!
Instead you are afraid to stop it!
Man up!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## totallyunexpected

paulmav said:


> not much has changed, I have no other proof of anything anymore. Texts at home if any are down to 1 a day.Wife more affectionate the last few days. Saying that she loves me, cuddling dancing with me. Told me that next month we should start thinking about having another child.
> I know I should not believe anything.



1. Whatever you do, DO NOT HAVE ANOTHER CHILD RIGHT NOW. You both need to pour your energy into your marriage - NOT into another child. 

2. Did you eventually see ALL of the old texts? Did she give you the phone to check all text history? Were they deleted? Were some deleted? Did she resist? It's important for those here trying to help you to know IF you have seen ALL of her text history.

3. Do not let this all just fizzle and go back to "the way we were". That's rug sweeping and time and again, things calm down for a while... but eventually the problem resurfaces because the original episode was not throughly addressed. For more on this...

4. Ask a moderator to move this to the Coping With Infidelity section. There is AMAZING AMAZING advice there and a lot of very wise people who will guide you. You could also start a new thread in the CWI section. Either way, you don't want to miss advice from the folks who really have experienced and read a lot about emotional and physical affairs. 

5. Trust your gut - above all.

Paul, I'm sorry you were put in such a situation that you had to come to TAM. I hope this isn't the tip of the iceberg. You found lots of support - but go to CWI for the most relevant advice!


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## paulmav

So after a weekend were there was no texting, wife seems more open to use phone in my presence. Told me that she thinks it would be a good idea to start thinking about getting another job and working 6 months a year so that she concentrates on the kids and there schoolwork, I told her that it was a good idea. Although things are a little tense communication channel is opening up. We planned a vacation. 
Doing the 180 technique. That's where i'm at.


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## AlphaHalf

If they work together they dont need text because they see each other everday. I would check for a burner phone or other means of communication. She is being loving now because of your suspicions and possibly wants to lull you to sleep again.. Have you contacted the om? I would hold off ton he more chidren talk until she admits what she did is wrong and that there is no justification for a spouse to text kisses to another man. If she cant empathize with your concerns then she is disrespecting the marriage. If the roles where reversed she wouldnt even try to hear the bullstuff excuses she gave you. She still hasnt been transparent on the text messages and has a sh!tty attitude about you concerns.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cdelta02

paulmav said:


> So after a weekend were there was no texting, wife seems more open to use phone in my presence. Told me that she thinks it would be a good idea to start thinking about getting another job and working 6 months a year so that she concentrates on the kids and there schoolwork, I told her that it was a good idea. Although things are a little tense communication channel is opening up. We planned a vacation.
> Doing the 180 technique. That's where i'm at.


Get her one of the other cellphones (non-smartphone), and drop text msg and data off her plan. Do this for some time to kill the contact off. If you hear Bull S*t about her requiring data like for maps, tell her to use 411 or print off Mapquest before she drives.


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## Machiavelli

paulmav said:


> So after a weekend were there was no texting, wife seems more open to use phone in my presence. *Told me that she thinks it would be a good idea to start thinking about getting another job* and working 6 months a year so that she concentrates on the kids and there schoolwork, I told her that it was a good idea. Although things are a little tense communication channel is opening up. We planned a vacation.
> Doing the 180 technique. That's where i'm at.


Have her quit immediately. She knows she was out of line, the question is how far out of line did she get?


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## adv

I know of several apps for texting/phone calls that will not show up on your bill. Have you checked her phone to see if she has anything similar installed?

And does it bug the **** out of anyone else that there are now so many ways to be sneaky nowadays? (Question not meant as a thread-jack, just curious)


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## paulmav

Hello All, it's been a while. Last night I confronted my wife. Had her cell password and would check periodically. The same man would send her text messages every so often. She was so mad that i snooped!!! She told me that was the worst thing ever. Yeah and i told her and secretly texting someone else is what? she told me that they have feelings for each other and if they where not in commited relationships they would probably hook up. All they do is talk. She was going to the tanning salon last night and he was going to meet her. So I snapped. and confronted. Now all she will tell me is that she has to sort things out for herself. I think I will get the Mort Fertel book right about now and start reading


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## tom67

Sigh- and that's why you tell her to quit the job and you expose to his wife/girlfriend. You may have to pack her sh!t in garbage bags and drive her over to his house and tell him she is his problem now. You can't control her but you can control what you will put up with.


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## happyman64

:iagree:

I like your wife's reaction. NOT!

You realize she is still lying right?

Give her consequences Paul.

Why did you not confront both of them at the tanning salon. You should have picked up his GF on the way there....

Too late now.

Expose.


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## paulmav

happyman64 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I like your wife's reaction. NOT!
> 
> You realize she is still lying right?
> 
> Give her consequences Paul.
> 
> Why did you not confront both of them at the tanning salon. You should have picked up his GF on the way there....
> 
> Too late now.
> 
> Expose.


I had 2 kids in bed no way I could have. She admitted she has feelings but is keeping them in check. She told me that honestly if she wanted she would have left already and not played games behind my back. She is very independant.


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## A Bit Much

paulmav said:


> I had 2 kids in bed no way I could have. She admitted she has feelings but is keeping them in check. She told me that honestly if she wanted she would have left already and not played games behind my back. She is very independant.


And her answer is satisfactory to you? Don't you feel like a booby prize?


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## tom67

paulmav said:


> I had 2 kids in bed no way I could have. She admitted she has feelings but is keeping them in check. She told me that honestly if she wanted she would have left already and not played games behind my back. She is very independant.


Ok this is your choice not hers and she is playing games and possibly cheating behind your back. Please find a way to contact the other man's so and let her know NOW! You will have two sets of eyes on this. Good luck.


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## tom67

Ugh you may have to notify hr at their work too. Get proactive!


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## sandc

Tell her she can go figure it out with OM. Show her you won't put up with being second choice in her life. Show her how independant YOU can be.


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## happyman64

:iagree:

And you had a good reason for staying home.

So did she!

Get tough. Set boundaries.

Because the texting and tanning dates are her way of playing games.

Like I said. She is lying to you. She is not keeping her emotions or her feelings for OM in check.

Your wife is acting like a fool.


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## Shaggy

paulmav said:


> I had 2 kids in bed no way I could have. She admitted she has feelings but is keeping them in check. She told me that honestly if she wanted she would have left already and not played games behind my back. She is very independant.


The thing is she is already going behind your back.

She is meeting him behind your back.

She is continuing to build a relationship with feelings behind your back,

She is cheating.

Advice: buy two copies of not just friends by Shirley Black. Send one to the OM wife with a note about the inappropriate relationship. Don't tell your wife you did this. Hand the other copy to your wife and explain that not having sex with the OM doesn't mean she isn't betraying you and cheating.

Then inform her it's D or else, no contact permitted. None.


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## Toffer

Paul,

I'm sorry for this turn of developments. Now it's time to get your head out of the sand and uncross your fingers. You just can't wish thia away now.



paulmav said:


> She was so mad that i snooped!!! She told me that was the worst thing ever.
> 
> *Blameshifting at it's finest! She broke her vows that she made before man and God and she's trying to tell you that you are a bad person. Sheesh!*
> 
> she told me that they have feelings for each other and if they where not in commited relationships they would probably hook up.
> 
> *Lovely. She has officially told you that you are Plan B if things don't work out for her and her OM. *
> 
> All they do is talk. She was going to the tanning salon last night and he was going to meet her.
> 
> *Sorry but I find this hard to believe in light of her last statement that she wants him sexually. Just thank God you didn't fall for the "Let's have another kid" BS. Paul, I hate to add this but I will. She probably already hooked up with this creep. I can't see her wanting to toss her entire life unless she already took his d!ck for a test ride. If she wants to try R with you (if you offer that as a possibility) tell her that she'll have to take a polygraph first so you can find out how far and to what extent this went on *
> 
> So I snapped. and confronted. Now all she will tell me is that she has to sort things out for herself. I think I will get the Mort Fertel book right about now and start reading


*Skip the book! Tell her that since she's choosen to break the marital vows (either emotionally or physically) she needs to leave the house NOW! Tell her she needs to make a choice. R or OUT! None of this "I need to find myself" crap

Last but not least, EXPOSE!*


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## WorkingOnMe

Oh brother. Why do guys complain when they're not willing to do anything about it anyway?


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## Hicks

Give her till tonight to sort things out.
Any other answer than 100% committment to her marriage, transparencey etc... Then see a a laywer ASAP and start the process of divorce. You have been allowing this to continue fo r way to long, and it will only turn physical if you don't force her to make a choice one way or the other.


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## tom67

And let me guess the sex is next to nothing now.


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## Hicks

Some things require you to force her to make a choice between continuing it or choose a divorce. This is one of them. If you spend a few hours reading similar threads to yours you will understand why.


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## anchorwatch

I can't help but jump in. 

OP, how about you tell her she can have her dream and you'll release her from the relationship with a divorce. 

This way she can be free to be with the OM. 

He can be her #1 and you don't have to be #2. 

BTW, forget Mort Fertel, get the book "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Dr Glover, today.

I'll never understand how someone can take such disrespect. 

Good luck


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## terrence4159

everyone on here is wasting their time here, first 8 pages on how to stop this he did none of that now his wife is in a full PA and still in total control


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## Toffer

terrence4159 said:


> everyone on here is wasting their time here, first 8 pages on how to stop this he did none of that now his wife is in a full PA and still in total control


Way to be supportive!

Everyone moves at their own speed

OP, stick around. You'll find most of the posts helpful although at times folks can be blunt!


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## paulmav

Toffer said:


> Way to be supportive!
> 
> Everyone moves at their own speed
> 
> OP, stick around. You'll find most of the posts helpful although at times folks can be blunt!


Thanks Toffer


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## mablenc

Sorry Paul 

Please don't settle for second place, show her consequences 0 tolerance otherwise, she will lose respect for you. You have to be willing to end the marriage to snap her back into reality. You have to be drastic show no compassion she will cry and beg asking for rug sweeping once she is no longer in the fog. 

Be strong you are the victim not her, you lay down the law. She needs to be fully commiter no halfies. Other wise she will continue. 
I'd expose her to her parents too. Though love, it will hurt but, not as much as you are hurting now.


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## TRy

paulmav said:


> Last night I confronted my wife. Had her cell password and would check periodically. The same man would send her text messages every so often. She was so mad that i snooped!!! She told me that was the worst thing ever. Yeah and i told her and secretly texting someone else is what?


 Good job not letting her sell you on the snooping is "the worst thing ever" bull. Next time tell her that you only snooped to protect your marriage, while what she was doing was selfish and betrayed the marriage. Tell her that you knew in your heart that she was cheating with this other man and that you had a right to see though her lies to confirm it. 



paulmav said:


> she told me that they have feelings for each other and if they where not in commited relationships they would probably hook up. All they do is talk.


 That right there is an admission that she is in at least an emotional affair (EA) with the other man. An EA is cheating plain and simple. Get a copy of "Not Just Friends" and read it and then read key parts to her.



paulmav said:


> She was going to the tanning salon last night and he was going to meet her.


 That tells you that it probably is physical in some way. It may not yet be full intercourse, but even if it stopped at kissing, kissing another man that you have feelings for is cheating and makes it a physical affair (PA).



paulmav said:


> Now all she will tell me is that she has to sort things out for herself.


 Tell her that her being in an at least an EA with another man is not a private matter that she gets to sort out for herself. That you are both in this marraige and that you matter to. Tell her that you will not share your wife with another man and that you will be filing for divorce immediately if she does not end it right now. Not tomorrow. Not after a final goodbye. Not even later today, but right now.

Tell her that she must quit her job and cut off all contact with the other man. Tell her that she must agree to give you full transparency to enforce the full no contact (NC). Transparency includes full access and passwords with no complaint. Tell her that she must stop her lying as lies are the big relationship killer. Finally she must write a no contact letter to the OM that you will watch her send; tell her that there is to be no other contact ever again as long as she is married to you. Let her know that if she does not immediately agree, that you will be filing for divorce and mean it. Do not give her time to think. She either wants to be your wife or she does not. Tell her that you are tired of being her backup plan.


----------



## TRy

BTW "She was going to the tanning salon last night and he was going to meet her", means that she was going to be at a tanning salon in a private room alone with the other man. It also means that at some point during the night, she was going to be in that room topless while wearing at most a tiny bottom with full on naked being a real possibility. A perfect place for a physical affair (PA). Dude this is bad. Real bad.


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## anchorwatch

She doesn't have to sort things out. 

YOU DO!


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## keko

Expose her to family/friends/workplace now. 

Then show her the door and hand over the divorce papers.

^^Those may seem harsh or over the top but anything less wouldn't cut it if your wife is having tanning dates with this guy. 

As long as you let her treat you this way, she'll continue to walk over you. The moment you change that, you increase the chances of saving your marriage.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT

I agree with keko. Either get serious and show you mean business or you will continue on the same merry-go-round for months and months. As for the story it's so similar to so many on this board. The bottom line is that a married woman or man should not be exchanging text messages with members of the opposite sex. A quick text or two one in a while about work or something like that is one thing. The friends thing and constant text messaging is completely ridiculous.


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## Mark72

I don't know you, but I'm guessing you are thinking something along the lines of, "I see what you are saying, and if ______ doesn't happen first, I will think about following the tough advice. You guys just don't understand. My wife is ________".
If I am right, that is anxiety talking, not your brain. You are anxious about losing her, because you think she is still the woman you fell in love with. She is not. Would you have fallen for her if you were her backup plan? Doubt it. No matter what happened to get the relationship to this point, the fact is, YOUR MARRIAGE IS AT THIS POINT! You can either ride the wave into the cliffs, or change direction. If you don't make a huge change, you will still be the backup plan.


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## Madman1

Operation doormat! 

That's ok it builds backbone eventually, and the chance for a happier future. 

The down side is, its longer, its more painful and damaging, 
and you lose the opportunity to save the marriage, 
but you will realize that you DESERVE better, 
and you will be a better partner for it.


----------

