# proud's life update



## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

So as I suspected, this morning my stbxw confirmed that she has a boyfriend. She has been having the kids hang out with him. She told me that when I'm ready I can meet him. She then said that she was going to be honest, wasn't going to hide anything from me. Then, for one last shot she said she was sure somehow I was going to turn this around on her, etc. I am so beyond mad at her callousness of the whole situation. She met this ********* threw the parents of one of my daughters classmates.

I tell you what, this whole thing sucks! I hate having morals!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

Yup, having morals sucks in this modern society. I wish i could just treat people like crap. Would make life so much easier.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sorry, Proud.

Is it the same guy that was in your driveway that time?

If not, no surprises.

What did you say when you told her? 

Please keep calm and smile and be confident.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

In the meantime, I hope you are flirting with hot chicks when you see them!


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Jelly,
Nope its a completely different guy than from the driveway. I was just quiet when she told me. The only reason she told me was that the kids busted her, she wasn't trying to be honest.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

Hello Proudwidaddy,

Can you ask your lawyer to add a stipulation in the diviorce agreement (if you have one) that she is not allowed to bring strange men around the kids?

I don't think she has the right to do that without your input.


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## cabbage65 (Feb 14, 2012)

completely agree with spudster! this is way out of line!!


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## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

Yes, I completely agree with this. This needs to be in the divorce. Those children can not see a revolving door man.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

proudwidaddy said:


> Jelly,
> Nope its a completely different guy than from the driveway. I was just quiet when she told me. The only reason she told me was that the kids busted her, she wasn't trying to be honest.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Gotcha. But what ya shoulda done was smiled and said "That's great. I am happy for you." and then told her you were busy/had to leave.

You need to work on boosting your self esteem so you're not jello/down around her. 

I DO HOPE YOU HAVE SOME NEW COLOGNE, PROUD.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Proud you did a good job of handling this- it always hurts no matter what.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Jelly,
I do have some new cologne.

This has by far been one of my toughest days yet, to see her true colors like this, I'm speechless
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

spudster said:


> Hello Proudwidaddy,
> 
> Can you ask your lawyer to add a stipulation in the diviorce agreement (if you have one) that she is not allowed to bring strange men around the kids?
> 
> I don't think she has the right to do that without your input.


Unfortunately there is not much legally you can do about having a male friend around your kids. But, if you can reason with her that for the sake of the kids, not to bring any man around them for at least a few months, or until the relationship is stable. Seriously, most people can understand this, and if she can't, well, move on and keep an eye on things.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

working_together said:


> Unfortunately there is not much legally you can do about having a male friend around your kids. But, if you can reason with her that for the sake of the kids, not to bring any man around them for at least a few months, or until the relationship is stable. Seriously, most people can understand this, and if she can't, well, move on and keep an eye on things.


I'm still trying to understand how I will be able to do this in my D agreement. STBXH told me yesterday that he's 'really in love' with the OW. She and her former boyfriend were in his group of student friends, so both DS and I knew her before their relationship went PA. DS is already around her a lot (more than he'd like to be, but STBXH isn't paying attention to him). Can I stipulate that she not sleep over when DS is staying with his dad? I am still his mother, and I should still have some input as to how he's being raised. STBXH is just so selfish that I'm sure he'll throw a fit over having any restrictions, especially since he's now 'really in love.' (GAG!) 

Have you all had success with getting these kinds of things granted? Having known STBXH as long as I have, I know this is just like his EA infatuations, just physical this time, and with no wife hanging around to screw it up. He can't claim that his relationship is stable yet, unless he admits that it was going on a long time ago, in which case he outs himself as lying to me about a.) not seeing anyone, and b.) leaving the door open for R.


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## jenny123 (Mar 21, 2012)

Proud, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can't believe she offered to introduce you to him when you're ready. What nerve. 
Don't ever lose your sense of morals. You are the good person here. One day it will all come down on her and she will regret losing a good man.
I truly hope all of us going through these tough times will find the happiness that we deserve.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Wait wait wait..... I need to break this down, so bare with me because I have some things to point out that will pi$$ you off but help you get through this.

She told you she has been having sex with another man behind your back and when you are ready to behave you can meet this guy???? That you can do what she wants when you're ready to behave on her terms and this is all ok:scratchhead: And yet she doesn't not want you to put any blame on her because somehow she is not at fault???? She wants you to meet this guy who knows she is still married and dissrespects you by daily by sneaking around with your wife while you did everything possible to save your M. It makes my blood boil just thinking about it but I can help!

Do you see that this is an attempt to keep control over you? It is. By having you meet the OM not only is she looking for approval for her affair and cake-eating, she is trying to test you to see if you still want her, are jealous of her OM, and will start a fight so she can jump to any irrational reason to justify her decision. DO NOT under any circumstances put down the OM or try to make her feel guilty about this. Her sense of pride is attached to the OM and any attack on him will be seen as a personal attack towards her and make you the lesser man.

I've been through this situation before and I can tell you exactly how to deal with him, but let me just say DO NOT play her game and meet him! I don't care if he looks like the Brawney man and has money stuck to his skin, there is no excuse for you going out of your way to play her game and meet this guy. You'll have a chance to size him up later and mess with his head (more on that later) but right now you're setting yourself up for a nervous breakdown and bad first impression. And first impressions mean everything when it comes to this guy!

You're wounds are too fresh to handle this, you gotta trust me on this! Give it maybe two to three months.... just keep avoiding meeting him while you take this time to mentally prepare. When you can look at your wife with complete contempt and disgust for her attitude with no emotional hurt left.... you see her every flaw and find excuses not to want to like her, you'll be ready to meet this other guy. Really it may seem like torture and this guy will do little things to assert his dominance (no matter how nice he seems) there's a little Darwinism at play here, but despite all of this he will be jealous of you. Realistically he has about a 1 in 1400 of sticking with her long term since the relationship started with deceipt and will end even faster because it loosely based on just sexual attraction.

There is a chance of him trying to outshine you or passive aggressively bully you in person, but it's easily delt with. Just calmly ignore any pathetic attempts to get you riled up and make it clear that he's trying too hard to impress her around you. You can actually say "hey, chill out... you don't have to impress me in front of her". Sounds odd but it works for every A-hole that tries to tear you down. Or you could go the sleazy route and covertly ask him how your d!ck tastes.... learned that one in the Navy and it completely pi$$es guys off.

What you have to realize is that you're the father of her children and cannot be pushed permanantly out of the picture. You will see her again from time to time unless she moves far far away, which means you have to opportunity to have family moments together for the children.... even one lunch together two times a month will be enough of an excuse. I've read about this approach before and if you can muster up the maturity to see her again on "just friends" dates you'll drive any man in her life off with his own jealousy. I know about this approach with DaisyGirl41. Who do you think told her? It works, but one fight is enough to set you back six months or more.

You have a few options open here with your wife... but I like the one that has you switcing roles as the OM and watching him freak out and get all jealous and possessive. It may take a year or so of very seldom contact, while you're dating other women of course (I'm not going to tell you to hold out undying hope after divorce), but after the sex dies down once they get to the power shifting stage they'll start to have the same fights and arguments over misstrust and jealousy. If you can relax and just sit back you'll really enjoy watching him crash and burn. Seriously, wait for your children to say "where's daddy?" enough times, and for your wife to make excuses to reach out to you because the OM is not so wonderful and treating her like sh!t.

At that point you shouldn't even want her, but hey there is a chance in hell. And if she sheated on you with him, she could cheat with you on him. Just saying the offer will be there for you if you want it within the next 2 years.

Hope this helped. I could go on but I'll save you the long boring read for another time.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Well tonight I went to the ex's house to get the kids she asked me again if I wanted to meet the OM, I said no. She said if I change my mind let her know, I told her doubtful. Why are the spouses, both men and women, so messed up that they think this would be appropriate?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

Mine acted the same way. Just takes sometime to adapt to this. Like I said earlier this is the last piece of the puzzle. It will be downhill from here on out. There is literally nothing else she can do. No more surprises. It is all out in the open.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

No Traggy, next she will get pregnant, lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Oh really. I don't think it is about this guy but about you. She is trying to stroke her ego by making sure you still care. 

There is no way that a person can get out of a longterm relationship and in no time be involved with someone to the point that they know them well enough to bring around their kids. 

She does not know this guy and she is fooling herself if she thinks she or he is heard for a long-term committed relationship. 

I am guessing but, given the timing, I think she is more into him than he is. He probably is just going along to get along. 

I'll guess a little more and say that he will move on before she is ready to move on. This pattern may repeat a few times. I'll bet and in a year or two, she will probe around to see if she can come back to you. She will realize she had the very best right at home. 

Too bad it will be too late. Proud, this is a bad time but I think if you see it for what it is, you will realize that you should feel sorry for your wife not angry. 

She is headed for heartache. I am not wishing it on her and I know it will not make you happy to see it. But for now it may help so that you are not manipulated to give her what she wants.

She wants to think there are 2 men in love with her for her ego. Don't be manipulated to provide her with what she wants. It will only encourage more bad behavior.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

proudwidaddy said:


> Well tonight I went to the ex's house to get the kids she asked me again if I wanted to meet the OM, I said no. She said if I change my mind let her know, I told her doubtful. Why are the spouses, both men and women, so messed up that they think this would be appropriate?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Want some theories?

She's enjoying having power over you. 
She's emotionally immature and narcissistic.
She lacks empathy.
Part of her needs to know you're ok with her being with someone else, that in some way she needs some form of approval.

Wish her well and move on, Proud. She is clearly demonstrating she does not want you. A bitter pill to swallow, I know, but it is what it is.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

proudwidaddy said:


> No Traggy, next she will get pregnant, lol
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Make sure your divorce is final first.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> Oh really. I don't think it is about this guy but about you. She is trying to stroke her ego by making sure you still care.
> 
> There is no way that a person can get out of a longterm relationship and in no time be involved with someone to the point that they know them well enough to bring around their kids.
> 
> ...


Proud,

Print this post and keep it with you at all times. Everytime you're having an emotional rollercoaster just read them. Having a bad day, read them. Visited your ex's house, read them. The quicker you look at this way the easier/faster you'll get over it.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your STBXW is going to beat this issue like a dead horse, So when she ask you for a third time tell her "even though this will make *you* feel better, I can not be friends with someone that betrayed me and is on her second relationship and we aren't even divorced yet".

Or

"I like the number seven I'll wait to meet your # 7 most likely when I see you in court when we finalize"

Any way she is out of line and you have no control over that, so focus on the things you do have control over.


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## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

Going to say this again. There are some people that completely lack empathy. 

It was said two post above and she currently is showing she has no understanding of other peoples feelings. 

My stbxw is the same way man. They are incapable of feeling for others, because they are so intertwined in their own mind and have rationalized it to a point of acceptance they can not understand how no one else can see it the same way.

It is time to man up and accept it. It is time to smile at yourself and pity her. It is time to give that big heart of yours back to yourself, instead of giving it to someone who does not want it. 

You deserve better than this and you will have it again. Just not right now. When we are healed we will see life in a different light.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

I want to thank everyone for the kind words, the much needed hard words. I'm just going to focus on me now, whatever happens with her and her OM, whatever. I loved the post about waiting for #7, that made me laugh. It's been awhile since I"ve laughed 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Ask her if she would also like you watching them make out and and cuddle


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## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

If you meet him, say "Is this the guy we are bringing into the bedroom to spice things up? He is tooooo cute"

Then wink at him.

I know, I know....


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Traggy said:


> If you meet him, say "Is this the guy we are bringing into the bedroom to spice things up? He is tooooo cute"
> 
> Then wink at him.
> 
> I know, I know....


That was pure awesome, Traggy.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Proud: Like others have said I really think this is about her wanting to feel/believe that 2 men are dying to have
her. It's sad that some ppl need this to feel good about themselves. Show no weakness and act like you no longer care what she does. I think you won't have to meet OM because by the time it would be appropriate for 
you to meet him, he'll be gone. That relationship is DOOMED. Either her or him will start thinking, "wait a minute if he/she cheated to be with me he/she could do it again. Jealousy and lack of trust will take care of the rest. A friend of mine took great joy in sleeping with ex, secretly taped it in a voice recorder app in his phone and sent this to OM who later broke up with her. She then wanted to go back to him to which he said nooo. 

When all is said and done this bad experience will make you stronger and wiser my friend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Davi (Apr 20, 2012)

SRN said:


> Yup, having morals sucks in this modern society. I wish i could just treat people like crap. Would make life so much easier.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

SRN said:


> Yup, having morals sucks in this modern society. I wish I could just treat people like crap. Would make life so much easier.


:iagree: It feels so bad being good all the time, but somehow it's never wrong. 

I am my own hero and will treat people with the respect they deserve and help out those in need, because it's in my nature.... I am not weak and I do not allow people to take advantage of me. 
I will not sink to my cheating WAW's level and treat her like she did me. 
I will not cheat on my marriage now or any relationship in the future. 
And I will not treat others the way I have been treated. 
I am the better person here and deserve someone who will treat me better. 
I am still a good person with high integrity and morals.
I am not the other man, I am the better man.


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