# "I'm Done"! ... But does she mean it?



## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

I have an interesting thought.... I have the craziest notion that my wife of 15 years, is really plying hardball with me, and oesn't mean half of what she's saying.

Here's why:
She had an EA with a male co-worker. The guy turned out to be gay, but never the less, made her laugh every day. That was what she admitted to being the attraction. I found the contant texting annoying, and jumped in, and stopped it.

My wife, became very angry, and proclaimed our marriage as "over", and "done". She claims that I used a form of control, and would rather be alone, than be told who her friends should be.
I understand her, but she doesn't understand, that she crossed a line with the extent of her "friendship"
At the time, she exchangd over 16,000 texts in a three month period. All contact with me, and her family was stopped!!

Anyway, this past weekend, I was expeting her to be home in time for me to go to an important function. (no babysitter). I tried calling her, but suspected that she may have been asked to work overtime, and simply couldn't answer cellphone.
So I walked into her job at Walmart, (to tell her that I dropped our daughter off at a friend's house), and instead, I find her and her EA pal, chatting in an aisle of the store. She had finished work an hour earlier, and wanted to "make peace" with him. She and he both explained that they were very uncomfortable working together, and for the sake of their jobs, decided to be civil.
I shook the guy's feminine hand, told him to be cool, and left with my wife.

That night, we decided to have a "heart to heart". She expained that she was "done" with me, but couldn't give me a valid reason, other that her desire not to be told who her friends could be.
I can partially understand how she feels, because my initial reaction to her EA was not pretty.

I do not feel threatened by this guy anymore!!

Here's my question:

My wife wants her space. She tells me that she enjoys talking to a couple rather feminine guys at work, but she feels that I may not understand her friendship.

When she says she's "done", I tell her that one of us should leave. she always says "no", that's not necessary, because she knows I'll be hurt, and she doesn't want to hurt me.

In light of all this, I've decided to do a 180. Since she's so-called, "done", I feel that I have nothing to fight for.
I feel that a 180 might test her heart, and get her in touch with her emotions.
OTOH, I feel that she doesn't give a crap about me anyway.

The past two days, I've been somewhat distant. The usual timely daily calls stopped. The little daily conversations about her EA, stopped, and all interactions in and about my house, have neen minimal.

*Is there a chance a woman could actually come back after being :done"?*


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Yes, but you are in for a LONG ride.


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## VLR (May 15, 2011)

You may consider asking her whether she is willing to go to counseling with you to try to find a way to establish a healthy marriage that gives her the necessary freedom and you the necessary trust, among other things.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Your wife basically has a girlfriend who happens to have a penis. My wife has a really close gay friend, too and their closeness and the amount of time they interracted bugged me, too. Once I got to know him and became friends with him, too, life was easier on everyone. Nobody wants a boss at home and your ultimatum was, IMO, ill advised. You've been married 15 years and you have kids with this woman. She's pretty invested in the relationship. Gay dude will likely find himself in a serious romantic relationship before long and won't have as much time to devote to your wife. She probably digs this guy because he listens to her and sits around talking for hours about nothing like women do. If you can supply that need, she might not need to turn to her friend as often. It's also possible that he's sort of a drama queen and often requires a lot of attention from her and she feels like a lousy friend if she isn't "there" for him when he's in crisis (real or imagined). You could make nice with your wife and suggest having the guy over at the house or taking him out to dinner. You might actually like the guy and your wife would probably appreciate being treated like an adult partner. If you're really slick, you'll introduce him to some eligible gay guys. Maybe they'll hit it off and move far away. Y'all could get really nice Christmas gifts from them every year.


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## VLR (May 15, 2011)

At the end of the day, it comes down to what can you handle. If this is going to grate on you, then you've got to decide which way works better for you.


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## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

From what you've written, it sounds like she ought to be careful what she asks for with you because she just might get it!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

what does 'having a family' mean to your wife?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Undertheradar said:


> *Is there a chance a woman could actually come back after being :done"?*


Possibly. But that can't even begin to happen until you let her go.

She wants out. Don't fight her on it. It makes things 20x worse.


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## Vixen3927 (May 2, 2011)

_I had a similar experience recently. I also have many guy friends and my fiance gets worried and upset sometimes when I interact with them and whatnot. Initially, I was resistant to him and what he had to say and might have even thrown in "we're done" here and there as well. One of the friends is my best friend from high school who used to be in love with me (I can now see why my fiance was uncomfortabe with me talking and hanging out with him) and the other I had met 2 years ago and we hit it off immediately. My anger came from a place where his requests for me to interact with them differently to me meant that I had to give up two of my closest friends completely. I didn't want to have to change my relationship with them just because I was getting married and just because we were friends. I thought our interactions were harmless but after a while I had come around. I could understand how my fiance felt and how I was hurting him. I also finally get it through my head that he didn't want me to not have a relationship with them at all, but that certain things that may have flown when I was single (calling them pet names and saying a friendly love ya before saying goodbye) are now innapropriate and disrespectful to the relationship I have with my fiance. Plus he was also hurt by the amount of time that I COULD have been spending with him was taken up by othe guys. It broke my heart to have to let my two friends know the new boundaries and limits and thought that they would think badly of myself and think my fiance was controlling and manipulating but the stand-up gentlemen that they are (that's why I'm friends with them to begin with) respected my wishes and completely understood the situation and how it must make my fiance feel. It was difficult at first setting up these new relationships with them and refraining from saying things (i love you, sweetie, baby, etc.) but in the end, I saw how healthy and positive it was for myself, my fiance, and our relationship. 

I think your wife is in the earlier stages that I was in where she feels she needs to give up one part of her life for another. If you maybe explain it to her in a different way, she'll begin to understand where you're coming from and re-examine her current relationships with her male friends. It has helped my relationships tremendously both with my fiance and my male friends and I no longer (and even feel so bad for saying it to begin with) want to be "done" with my fiance because if there was ever a time I had to pick between the guys in my life, I'd choose him anyway._


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