# Seeking outside opinion



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

In a complex situation. Here it is in a nutshell:

-We dated for about seven years, wee engaged for about two years of that. We eventually broke up, with the main reason being because she and my son teenage could not get along and things got hurtful (yelling, arguing, etc.)
-We have been separated for about one year. She moved about a six hour drive away. We kept in contact and are still in love. She's been interested in dating again and I'm open to discussing it.

I'm looking for input on long distance relationships and also on an outside perspective on if this even makes sense or if I just have the love blinders on. If we get back together we wouldn't live together until my son moves out. He graduates in 2017 and has said he'd like to move for university that fall, but has also said he may wait until 2019 and take a year or two off school. If he did he'd still live at home. So it could mean a three and a half year wait until living together is even possible. I do think she understands the issues with my son and is prepared to deal with those in a more appropriate way and my son is very encouraging of us dating again.

Sex was an issue before in the relationship and while we have been intimate since and it has been quite good, I think it's been good because the dynamics of the relationship have changed and we've only been intimate a few times due to distance. it's easier to be overly passionate and excited when its been a few months in between. When I have brought this up she has agreed the issue needs to be better but also gets a bit defensive as well.

We live six hours away from each other and due to having three boys and working a job that isn't always 9-5 M-F plus the cost of travelling I haven't been able to see her more than once every two months for a weekend. One of the conditions I have is that we get together once a month and that we alternate travelling so we each drive to other persons place every other month. She has essentially said no to this in the inter months as she won't drive in the winter, so basically for about five months a year I'll only see her if I drive down to see her.

There were overall a few other issues, but for the most part we have reached agreement on those issues. But I have my concerns that sex will remain an issue, that we will only see each other for roughly nine weekends a year and that it could be several years before we can advance past the long distance relationship stage. 

Basically I'm posting this more as a means to sound off to someone and get some feedback. Is this just to much red flags/baggage to overcome? I've never done a long distance relationship before or tried getting back together with an ex either, so its all new turf to me.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

Take your children out of the equation.

They are yours and your ex's and should not dictate your life with your LTGF.

They will be mad, but as time passes they will get it.

I pick my own clothes out in the morning. 

Oh and yeah, the teenage years are emotional cesspools...things will swap daily. 

Ride the wave and be supportive, but realize your kids may be mad now but they will probably get mature and grow up. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

xMadame said:


> Take your children out of the equation.
> 
> They are yours and your ex's and should not dictate your life with your LTGF.
> 
> ...


should have specified. The children are mine from a previous marriage. She is not their mother.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I think you should find someone new. Which I'm only saying because I think the sex part of it will always be an issue, and if you get back together with her officially, one day you will kick yourself because you'll find yourself in the same place.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

From your perspective was she the problem with your son, or did he provoke her, or was it both of them? 

Blended families are extremely difficult because the new spouse seldom really comes first the way a spouse is meant to - as evidenced by the idea of her having to wait until your son is out of the house to live together. Although that is a good idea. But she may agree to it now and years from now harbor resentment that she was put on hold for your kid.

And how will things go between them once he's out of the house? Step parents can still have conflicts with adult children where what could be a happy family that gets together on holidays and what not just becomes this tense situation where everyone walks on egg shells.

I don't know, but why get married now if you're not going to live together for years?


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

WorkingWife said:


> From your perspective was she the problem with your son, or did he provoke her, or was it both of them?
> 
> Blended families are extremely difficult because the new spouse seldom really comes first the way a spouse is meant to - as evidenced by the idea of her having to wait until your son is out of the house to live together. Although that is a good idea. But she may agree to it now and years from now harbor resentment that she was put on hold for your kid.
> 
> ...


Not getting married. We were engaged, but when we broke up that ended. If we get back together it'd be like a reset, not engaged again.

As far as who was at fault, it was both of them but if I had to allot blame I'd say it's about 65/35 on her. He's a rebellious child but we also were seeing counsellors and child therapists who were giving recommendations on how to deal with my son and she ignored them. Felt she knew better. Since we broke up a year ago she has accepted blame for how she treated him, gave him an apology and has been in constant contact with him and been supportive and respectful. Her contact and how she has been towards my son in the year since we split is a major factor in why I'm even considering getting back together again. She has accepted blame for her faults with him.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She is an adult. She allowed a teenager to get her goat. She allowed a teenager to drive her away? 

She moved six hours away?

She cannot move closer? You have a home and school age kids. You should not have to move closer. She should attempt to move closer. That is, if she really loved you. Or loved you....enough.

She does not sound "hungry" for your companionship. Why are you settling for her? Why is she stringing you along?

This relationship does not sound like love. Well, not strong love.

Does she have any other love interests? If not, why? How can a healthy women live without intimacy when she is in her prime? If she can, then she is low desire [LD]. This might explain her issues with sex. Or, she may have issues with sexual abuse from the past. 

You have had problems with her sexual dis-interest. As she ages, this will only get worse. Plus, being separated, she is now "used to" the lack of sex. She can do without it.

Or can she? She may have another man on the hook. Look into this.

IMO, she is not a good prospect, sorry. If she were a good catch, another man would be hot on her tail. She sounds like a women with issues. Issues that you do not need, up close and personal.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

I have no reason to think se has another man. She's been very aggressive in trying to get back together with me for most of the past year, it is I who has rebuffed her. I'm opening my mind to the idea largely because of how she's been towards my son since the split.

She moved six hours away because her son moved to attend university and she went with him because she wanted to pursue a post-secondary course for herself and they are living together. Her son and I were always close, part of why I have no reason to think she's entertaining another man. He'd know and from I'm told she either works or is at home, rarely goes out and half the time she does it's with him for supper, groceries, etc. I really don't have any concerns about her seeing someone else, if I did I wouldn't even consider dating her. 

She could move closer, but likely not until the post-secondary course is finished, which will likely be another year from now at least, maybe 18 months.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Over the years you have had quite a few complaints about this relationship in particular the sex mismatch, that is not likely to change. LDRs are not a great way to build a solid relationship and often favoured by people that want to hide their low sex drive.

All things considered it might be better to move on with your life without her and find a more compatible women.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

kingsfan said:


> In a complex situation. Here it is in a nutshell:
> 
> -We dated for about seven years, wee engaged for about two years of that. We eventually broke up, with the main reason being because *she and my son teenage could not get along* and things got hurtful (yelling, arguing, etc.)
> -We have been separated for about one year. She moved about a six hour drive away. We kept in contact and are still in love. She's been interested in dating again and I'm open to discussing it.
> ...


So basically, you have a woman who isn't loving and giving enough to open her arms to YOUR CHILD and who therefore refuses to be with you unless HE IS GONE, yet at the same time 'says' she knows it needs to change - and doesn't. You have a woman who 'says' she knows it should be fair that both of you drive - and then she doesn't. You have a woman who won't give you enough sex and 'says' she knows it needs to be fixed - and yet doesn't change and is quite capable giving you two times a month. You have a woman you have OTHER issues with, which you haven't actually fixed but I suspect rather you have swept them under the rug since you aren't around each other enough to have them come to a head anymore. 

And then there's the two OTHER sons who will soon become teenagers ALSO. What are you gonna do then? Send them to boarding school?

My advice: find a good therapist and start going to figure out why you don't have enough self respect and self love to realize you deserve a better partner.

Oh, and in the meantime, read the book No More Mr Nice Guy. You really need it. Your sons need you to read it even more, so they won't grow up to be doormats too.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

kingsfan said:


> I have no reason to think se has another man. She's been very aggressive in trying to get back together with me for most of the past year, it is I who has rebuffed her. I'm opening my mind to the idea largely because of how she's been towards my son since the split.
> 
> She moved six hours away because her son moved to attend university and she went with him because she wanted to pursue a post-secondary course for herself and they are living together. Her son and I were always close, part of why I have no reason to think she's entertaining another man. He'd know and from I'm told she either works or is at home, rarely goes out and half the time she does it's with him for supper, groceries, etc. I really don't have any concerns about her seeing someone else, if I did I wouldn't even consider dating her.
> 
> She could move closer, but likely not until the post-secondary course is finished, which will likely be another year from now at least, maybe 18 months.


OK, fair enough. At least she is being practical.

There is hope here. I like the fact that she is being aggressive with you. That shows my Avatar that she wants YOU. She knows YOU are a catch. She is avoiding other men, saving herself for you.

Make up your mind quickly, since she is bending for you, bend for her. *IF you want her.* If you do not, then tell her, in no simple terms....It is over. Do not waste her time, or yours.

Just make it clear, what you like about her and do not like about her. Then, ask her, what she likes and dislikes about you and the relationship. Both of you need to work towards solving the easy problems and to keep working on the harder ones. Sex is an easy problem to fix....IMO. Hell, working on fixing it is great exercise and fun, Eh?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

MrsHolland said:


> Over the years you have had quite a few complaints about this relationship in particular the sex mismatch, that is not likely to change. LDRs are not a great way to build a solid relationship and often favoured by people that want to hide their low sex drive.
> 
> All things considered it might be better to move on with your life without her and find a more compatible women.


I agree with this. I think you would be better off to let this go and either be on your own, or start fresh with someone new.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

I did the long distance thing once. 

Never again.


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