# Does A Marriage Make You Happy...



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

...Or do you make your marriage a happy one?

What does happiness look like to you after 10 years of marriage, two kids and the everyday stresses of life?

How important is your personal satisfaction and happiness compared to your partner in the relationship?

To what extent is your partner supposed to make you happy, or can a partner really _make_ you happy?

Do you think it is partly your responsibility to make your husband / wife happy?

Just a few questions that crossed my mind recently when it dawned on me that lots of married people may not_ actually be happy._

My belief is that happy people can't help but make a marriage happy .

I believe that an unhappy person will make even the most perfect relationship , miserable.
It takes two to tango, but they must like the Tango, or at least be willing to work out their issues, and learn how to Tango.

What's your take?


PS, There's a poll attached , feel free to vote!


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Whilst someone else's behaviour can impact on our level of happiness, I don't believe that others are responsible for our happiness. I think happy people have the potential to have happy marriages but, as you say, it takes two to Tango!


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> ...Or do you make your marriage a happy one?
> 
> we make it happy
> 
> ...


Im not into all the happiness cliches even though I used one in my answers above. I think if a couple cares about and looks after the needs of the other you will have a happy marriage. If you can discuss thing respectfully even when you disagree, and just be kind to each other really helps. I am not trying to be flip here but lots of sex really helps too. One partner not getting enough sex leads to all kinds of frustrations. I also happen to believe that mutual decision to be sexless unless there is medical reason makes for pretty ho-hum marriage.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Caribbean Man said:


> ...Or do you make your marriage a happy one? Dh is so kind to me, and that makes me happy. And he is pretty patient with me even when I am not kind.
> 
> He seems happy just being with me. I really feel like he loves me unconditionally, even though everybody seems to think this is impossible.
> 
> ...


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I think it's intertwined. 

I need companionship to be happy, so being married provides me this. But then I need to understand that being in a relationship, in order for our relationship to work, I need to be respectful, trustworthy, considerate, and caring. 

A good marriage can motivate a person to change and become happy, that's my experience. I was unhappy before I met my husband. Him joining my life provides me everything I need, physical, emotional, and spiritual. After we got married, we didn't have marriage problems. I was happy in our marriage, but I had other problems with other people in life, and I was often stressed and frustrated. Then I realized that I had to change myself and my personality so I could be a truly happy person. And I did. There are so many issues a person has, jealousy, insecurity, greed, anger, arrogance, egotism, etc. We need to realize what kind of personal problems we have and we need to work on these and get rid of these. Try to cultivate good qualities, and try to get rid of bad traits.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I'm wondering if some couples are more predisposed to happiness than others.

I know that different people would react different to the same stimuli which could in turn affect the " happiness balance " in the relationship.
But are some couple more inclined to be happy than others , given the exact same set of circumstances?

For example, I have this young female client of mine whom I knew for a while. She's a professional in her Career field , and was in a live in relationship with a young man who was self employed. 
To me , they always seemed unhappy. Even when the were in public like when they came to our business place there was always a certain distance between then.
I always thought they would break up.
She was extremely pretty , he was good looking and in good shape too.
Then she found out that she was pregnant, unplanned.
Almost like a miracle, I began to see him smile ,they got closes almost overnight , holding hands in public, they shut down their individual Facebook pages and opened a new page , as a couple.

After delivering the baby , they got married , but that was about three years ago.
Today, almost every single pic and comment on their Facebook page is about their love for each other and their baby girl. 

I feel really glad for them.

But then I knew another couple that were in a similar situation, they were married and having the usual marital problems, nothing as bad as the former couple, when she got pregnant, planned.
The baby was born , and today she regrets having that baby at the time she did.
I asked her why she had the baby , she said that she thought things in the relationship would get better when the baby came, but it only got worse.

I know we might say that some people aren't happy with themselves etc, but both couples were unhappy at one point, but I think one either " found " happiness or chose to be happy.

What I'm wondering is, what could have prevented the other couple from choosing to be happy, when the circumstances changed? [ ie : the baby coming on the scene.]


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> What I'm wondering is, what could have prevented the other couple from choosing to be happy, when the circumstances changed? [ ie : the baby coming on the scene.]


IMO planning to have a baby for the purpose of saving a relationship or making a relationship better is relying on something (or someone else) to change the dynamics of the relationship for the better without the couple doing the work themselves. If a couple doesn't work on their relationship themselves all a baby is going to do is bring it to a worse state.
With unrealistic expectations like there's bound to be disappointment.

The couple with the unplanned pregnancy may possibly have decided to straighten out their relationship for the sake of the baby, so even though it was for someone else not in the actual relationship the couple may still have worked to change things for the better themselves.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I don't think it's a spouse's job to make the other one happy. We can't look to our spouses to fill an emotional void in ourselves. Emotionally healthy people know this. Emotionally broken people may chase relationship after relationship trying to find that one person who they think can make them happy, but it's elusive. Happiness comes from within. Happiness is a choice. Happiness doesn't mean everything is perfect in your marriage. To me it means you've decided to look beyond the imperfections and be thankful for what you have. My marriage isn't perfect, but it's very good and I focus on the blessings. That's why my signature quote is what it is.


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## CharlotteMcdougall (Mar 15, 2014)

Coffee Amore said:


> I don't think it's a spouse's job to make the other one happy. We can't look to our spouses to fill an emotional void in ourselves. Emotionally healthy people know this. Emotionally broken people may chase relationship after relationship trying to find that one person who they think can make them happy, but it's elusive. Happiness comes from within. Happiness is a choice. Happiness doesn't mean everything is perfect in your marriage. To me it means you've decided to look beyond the imperfections and be thankful for what you have. My marriage isn't perfect, but it's very good and I focus on the blessings. That's why my signature quote is what it is.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

Caribbean Man said:


> ...Or do you make your marriage a happy one? I feel it should be both. But in terms of "which came first" I feel it would be the latter.
> 
> What does happiness look like to you after 10 years of marriage, two kids and the everyday stresses of life? Being able to enjoy your time together, with your family, and everything you worked hard for. To live in the moment, while preparing for the future.
> 
> ...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Does A Marriage Make You Happy...Or do you make your marriage a happy one?* I think very much like GreenPearl's words on this one *>> * "I need companionship to be happy, so being married provides me this. But then I need to understand that being in a relationship, in order for our relationship to work, I need to be respectful, trustworthy, considerate, and caring. ".....

I always knew I wanted to Marry, have kids and be intertwined with one special person in my life...







... that thought alone helped carry me through my teen years that someday I would find this...and have my own family....I wanted to be loved and to love someone..for me, that is the greatest Happiness, purpose and fulfillment we can find in life. 

*What does happiness look like to you after 10 years of marriage, two kids and the everyday stresses of life? * At 10 yrs...it seemed the struggle (our biggest) to conceive was behind us, babies were coming, we had our house... we were overjoyed...when they would get on my nerves, I would remind myself (& do this to this day)...there could be no fingerprints on the wall, our house could be empty/ quiet, uneventful....and a well of gratitude rises up in me -sometimes to tears for what we have...amidst all the small irritations of living....

I've always felt if you have Family, Love, some good friends, your health, laughter, on top of your bills , you LIKE where you live & your job is enjoyable enough....Life is GOOD....smile ! .. Sure I had bad days, pi$$y moments -just cause I am an emotional woman... but my overall outlook was ... "there is much to be thankful for"...because of where I came from, and the sorrow / fear & many tears of feeling we may never have any more kids.... 

*How important is your personal satisfaction and happiness compared to your partner in the relationship?* I am the harder to please between us....probably not what you meant...my husband is the type that lives for his family....this gives him great satisfaction to see us happy... this is a gift to ME....he's taught me how to love by his steadfast example.. I still don't posses his patience but we can't have it all !.. 

*To what extent is your partner supposed to make you happy, or can a partner really make you happy? * I see our partners as a willing helpmate, someone who vowed to love us, walk beside us, entertain our dreams, be our biggest fan...if one of us falls down on that..picks up a Godzilla attitude, does an about face, desecrates the road map ...it's going to have a very bad effect on the other person ...another person does not have the power to Make another Happy (we wish we could wave a magic wand for those depressed)...all we can do is LOVE, provide an atmosphere of acceptance & comfort..care for each others needs...so they can THRIVE... 


*Do you think it is partly your responsibility to make your husband / wife happy?* We can lead a horse to water but we can't make him drink... right....But it's on us/our responsibility to care for the horse, understand his needs...seek to fulfill as his other half...to not neglect or abuse the horse...purposely annoy, irritate, do things to cause the horse stress -so he wants to kick us or bite our finger off...and he'll be more likely to drink the water we lead him to (you would think!)...



> *Caribbean Man said:*
> 
> My belief is that happy people can't help but make a marriage happy .
> 
> ...


 Wanting the tango, cherishing it...and not being able to stand being at odds with each other is a huge part of pressing ahead -dealing with our issues when they rise...

When I met my H...I was UNhappy in my situation.. yet I was a relatively happy person to be around when I was with friends, Him... there was always laughter, good times...deep talks/ a future ahead....having Hope, something to plan & build for....this gives us purpose...this is a part of happiness...or so I feel....

Feeling trapped....stuck, stunted....the loss of hope can suck this for many.

Our oldest son explained to me once the difference between Happiness and JOY... Happiness is an emotion and is conditional on our current circumstances....when things are good / going our way, we *feel* happy. On the other hand, when things break, disappointments come...when we do not get what we want...we feel the cloud hovering...








Joy is attitude of the







.... a place of learning the lessons of* Resilience* (deep subject there!).....not based on something positive happening. Joy is something that lasts; happiness is something that is temporary. When happiness fades away, joy remains. Joy is able to bring us a calm in the middle of the storm...

Obviously more of us need JOY! .... Worry is my downfall....in the past I have allowed this to steal my happiness...

Out of the 4 ...I voted " *happy people would make a marriage happy*".


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Adeline said:


> _ We both used to be happy people, he was even more of a laid back happy person than me once upon a time.* Now I strive to find little shreds of happiness in the small things, and he is always unhappy despite having everything he could have ever wanted. *But, his unhappiness overshadows my happiness, and therefore poisons the marriage.* I hate that evil seems to overcome good in this way! It seems good should prevail. I know it shouldn't, but it's definitely affected my own mood and self esteem. *I hate that._


Thanks for responding to the questions and for your honesty.

I haven't read your back story or anything, but,I agree with you that it's sad when the bad seems to overcome the good in that way.
Sorry about your situation you're in.

But what's happening in your marriage seems to be a common theme is quite a few marriages, especially those that are past the seven year mark.

I gave an example in another thread some weeks ago about a woman I knew who had something similar happen to her marriage when her husband lost his job.
He became withdrawn and wasn't even having sex with her, he even started hitting the casinos and gambling nightly.
Anyway she stuck by him and finally they were able to work things out and got their marriage back on track.

But I think they were probably lucky, because in some cases, those situations tend to trigger other situations and soon it snowballs into one big mess, and it's impossible to get to the root of the problem.

Based on what you said, it seems that something , probably internally, [ mid life or some other crisis?] is eating away at his perception of what used to make him happy.
Then you have the domino effect , it begins to affect your balance and them the mood of the marriage.

Do you have any idea of what's bugging him?

Do you feel that he wants to have the problem fixed?

Do you still have hope that maybe both of you could recover what you seem to have lost, before too much damage is done?


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> I don't think it's a spouse's job to make the other one happy. We can't look to our spouses to fill an emotional void in ourselves. Emotionally healthy people know this. Emotionally broken people may chase relationship after relationship trying to find that one person who they think can make them happy, but it's elusive. Happiness comes from within. Happiness is a choice. Happiness doesn't mean everything is perfect in your marriage. To me it means you've decided to look beyond the imperfections and be thankful for what you have. My marriage isn't perfect, but it's very good and I focus on the blessings. That's why my signature quote is what it is.




Coffee hit the nail on the head again!!!!!!! Perfectly said. :iagree:


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

does it make you happy sure
does it make you sad sure
does it make you angry sure
does it make you proud sure
does it make you confused sure
does it make you comfortable sure

Marriage is like anything else. The fact it becomes your life makes you feel every emotion.

I do think marriage is an amazing opportunity.... in no other arrangement do you get a chance to raise a family with intact mothers and fathers. So much of the joy of marriage is what you see in those kids you created.

As for the spousal relationship the joy is in the journey however the twists and turns lead you hopefully in the end you can sit back and realize all the joy you had to go along with any rough spots.

I think marriage builds character...and you have life to figure it out.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I said Yes , my partner is supposed to make me happy. One of the only ones who did so I will explain.
To me, making me happy means meeting my emotional needs. Sex, time together, acts of service, etc all those things make me happy, the lack of those things makes me unhappy. So I do believe your spouse is supposed to do things for you to make you happy. I think it's important to have some level of selflessness and just do for your partner's happiness. 

I don't think simply being happy will make a marriage happy. You can be a happy person but be selfish, uncommunicative, and oblivious to your partners needs. Eventually one or both of you will become unhappy if you don't make an effort to make the other happy. 

At the same time, I have depression. Some days I'm very unhappy but I still put in the effort to make my partner happy to help keep the relationship happy. So no, I don't make the situation miserable just because I'm not happy.

I look at my profile picture all the time and really try to be the person who makes me happy but that's only half the battle IMO (or 1/3 of it  ) 
1. Make yourself happy
2. Make your partner happy
3. Have a partner that makes you happy
Not necessarily in that order but IMO you need all 3. 

I don't expect someone to fill deep emotional traumas or cure my depression. I do expect someone who will do things for me to make me happy as I do the same.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

My SO once said to me that life before me was mostly misery, interspersed with moments of happiness, and that life with me is mostly happiness interrupted only occasionally with brief bouts of misery.

I think we're on the same page.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

I tend to say "I love you, you make me very happy." 

Saying "I love you, you are meeting my needs, I believe I'm meeting yours and I enjoy your company and am generally pleased" just doesn't sound right.


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## momto2 (Jun 12, 2013)

I don't know if a marriage can make an unhappy person happy but I think a unhappy marriage can definitely make a person unhappy. I think a marriage should add something to your life, not take away from it. When I mentioned to some people that I wasn't happy in my marriage, they would tell me "Marriage isn't easy." So marriage should make you feel drained everyday? I don't think marriage is necessarily easy, but I don't think it should be hard either. If all marriages are that difficult then I don't want to be married.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

Caribbean Man said:


> Do you have any idea of what's bugging him?
> 
> Do you feel that he wants to have the problem fixed?
> 
> Do you still have hope that maybe both of you could recover what you seem to have lost, before too much damage is done?


At this point, no I don't have any idea. He's very successful in his career and enjoys what he does, we moved here a few years ago so he could advance in his career. He has been able to get all sorts of material items and more money yet has never seemed more unhappy. I felt our relationship was wonderful and strong, but a year and half ago he decided otherwise. He would say off and on that he wanted to fix us, and recognized his own significant part in this, but that would be flanked with him treating me very poorly and saying otherwise. Lately he's been more in the state of mind of wanting to fix things, and we very recently started counseling. I'm hoping that can help us dig deeper. I desperately hope we can recover what used to be a great marriage, but the more time passed the more I felt that possibility fading away. We are both committed to trying at this point, however the dynamics of our relationship has completely changed as a result of over a year passing. It's a stark contrast from a very affectionate relationship to practically strangers. Time tends to pile on extra hurdles in addition to the original issues, unfortunately.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I don't know if my wife "makes me happy," but she balances me, stabilizes me, and is overall a force for good in my life. I don't think marriage can "make" a person happy, but I also don't believe it's just "happy people make a happy marriage," because that makes it sound like the people are just inherently happy anyway and it hardly even matters if they're married.


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## PinkSalmon13 (Nov 7, 2013)

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh................I had such high hopes...........I truly believed...............


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Coffee Amore said:


> I don't think it's a spouse's job to make the other one happy. We can't look to our spouses to fill an emotional void in ourselves. Emotionally healthy people know this. Emotionally broken people may chase relationship after relationship trying to find that one person who they think can make them happy, but it's elusive. Happiness comes from within. Happiness is a choice. Happiness doesn't mean everything is perfect in your marriage. To me it means you've decided to look beyond the imperfections and be thankful for what you have. My marriage isn't perfect, but it's very good and I focus on the blessings. That's why my signature quote is what it is.


CoffeeAmore, it sounds like you have read the book The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. :smthumbup: (which I wholeheartedly recommend to all the site members )
If you haven't, kudos for your natural positive outlook on happiness and marriage !


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

Caribbean Man said:


> My belief is that happy people can't help but make a marriage happy .
> 
> I believe that an unhappy person will make even the most perfect relationship , miserable.
> 
> What's your take?!


I have to agree completely. A person can knock themselves out trying to make their home and marriage happy but if your spouse is miserable - it's an impossible task. 

There are people who are depressed or just plain negative and treatment doesn't always work. One person is not responsible for another's happiness but if a truly happy person lives with someone who is perpetually unhappy it effects you and poisons the relationship.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Well, both wife and I are not the happiest people in the world. But one can say that comes from health issues/kids (usual stuff).

Marriage makes us both happy


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Marriage is a mixed blessing. I think that for healthy people it is mostly a blessing. I have had to give up a lot of my old bachelor lifestyle that I used to like a lot of things that helped make my life happy. Not going from lady to lady and having sex. I never did that.
I mean more spending time by myself, doing my thing, not worrying about being home, et.

But being married has it's own version of happiness, just different. I have never been lonely since being married. I was lonely every once in a while before. Now I'm not. and I love being with my wife and she loves being with me.

Before I married her, when I was engaged, I told myself that I will give up myself for her. I made a pact with myself that 'if I could help make her happy and fulfill her life, then my life would be worth it just for that alone'. I remind myself of that pact every day.

So far (only one year into it) it's working. But I must remind myself of that pact every day, now and forever..........


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

When I was engaged, we asked a Deacon for a blessing for our marriage. Before he blessed us, he said "your going to marry this old bachelor?" Then he said "remember that most people think and say 'marriage is a 50/50 thing'. It's not. It's 100%".

I'm still contemplating that mystery and trying to understand it's implications.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

jorgegene said:


> When I was engaged, we asked a Deacon for a blessing for our marriage. Before he blessed us, he said "your going to marry this old bachelor?" Then he said "remember that most people think and say 'marriage is a 50/50 thing'. It's not. It's 100%".
> 
> I'm still contemplating that mystery and trying to understand it's implications.


It means that sometimes people think that two halves make a marriage , when in reality it is that two _whole_ people make a marriage.

Instead of giving your half to the marriage , each partner give 100% of their entire self, holding nothing back.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> It means that sometimes people think that two halves make a marriage , when in reality it is that two _whole_ people make a marriage.
> 
> Instead of giving your half to the marriage , each partner give 100% of their entire self, holding nothing back.


Very nice!


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