# I just need advice.



## blondebombshell (May 2, 2011)

I'm not sure if I should start out with a little back story but I am going to try to make this as short and straight to the point as possible. I've been with my husband for 5 years, married for 3, and porn has been a problem for a while now. In the beginning of our relationship, I didn't care about him watching porn. I never had a problem with porn until my husband (then boyfriend) would have sex with me and then watch porn like 45 minutes later. It made me feel inadequate as a lover and as a woman. I expressed my hurt and anger about it and threatened to leave multiple times, and the only thing that made him do was to become sneakier about viewing porn. He knows that I am always willing to have sex with him, even if I am dead tired from work, school, and taking care of our kids. I enjoy watching porn but he never wants us to watch it together. I've watched the kind of porn that he likes and I was doing stuff just like the girls on there and the first day that I don't have sex with him in a week and there's porn in the internet history. I know that my feelings shouldn't be hurt but I don't understand why my husband has to watch porn on my one day off this week instead of having sex with me.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Have you told him how you feel when he watches porn?

I never knew until recently how damaging it was to my wife. She told me she felt like I was always comparing her to some porn queen and she knew she could never compete. She also told me that it was at this point she stopped initiating because she felt inadequate compared to what I was looking at. 

Had I know then of the effects - I would not have ever put my wife through that. 

Tell him how it makes you feel. He's got a very terrible addiction that he needs to be treated for.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

Hi, you say porn has been an ongoing issue for a long time, and you are both dissatisfied. You are unhappy he is watching, and he is unhappy that he has to sneak around to watch. Marriage counseling would be really sweet!


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## maggot brain (Nov 28, 2010)

I recommend that you find some porn featuring very macho men (very much unlike him) having sex with blondes like yourself that he might find intimidating. 

Let him come home from work one day and "catch" you enjoying yourself in his absence. When he expresses concern say, "now you see how I feel".


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## luckyman (Apr 14, 2011)

First of all, porn can be an addiction and this has nothing to do with you. Trying to be his personal "porn star" won't cause him to turn off the computer because real sex and porn are not the same thing. What he gets out of porn he cannot get with you...what he gets from you he can't get from porn.

He has developed an interest in porn that doesn't necessarily reflect whether or not he is satisfied with you sexually. I know guys who have great sex lives with beautiful wives and still look at porn. This is more about the compulsive nature of viewing porn.

Viewing porn is a tough subject for a lot of men. It is legal and men get mixed messages when it comes to it from women. Some women hate it. All forms. It is pure objectification of human beings and should not be viewed. Period. Other women don't mind, and others view it with and without their partners. Some men will hide their porn viewing habits from women. Some women they know don't like it, and some that say they like it, really don't. So they hide it.

When it comes right down to it, porn is really just voyeurism. It is all about watching other people have sex. How healthy is it, really? Especially when it is not viewed together? How important is viewing porn really? To me it's not important. But I am sure that if I watch it regularly, I will want to watch it more regularly. It is fantasy played-out in real time with real people. I wouldn't be comfortable with my wife watching it without me, so I don't watch it without her (or with her either, actually).

I'm not sure if you are really comfortable with your husband viewing porn. It sounds like you're not.


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## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

It sounds like he has some issues that may need to be dealt with. I think it's very odd that a guy especially following sex would look at porn if what you say is true about you being available for him whenever he wants. 

I look at porn very regularly but it's definitely a poor substitute for the sex I wish I were having with my wife. If my wife was available when I needed her to be there would be zero reason to look at porn. I just never would have a need to. I do think it's BS when women complain or are upset in the slightest about their husbands looking at porn but at the same time don't take care of hubby's sexual needs. If she won't take care of it she has no business trying to control how he has to take care of it.


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## blondebombshell (May 2, 2011)

Powerbane said:


> Have you told him how you feel when he watches porn?
> 
> I never knew until recently how damaging it was to my wife. She told me she felt like I was always comparing her to some porn queen and she knew she could never compete. She also told me that it was at this point she stopped initiating because she felt inadequate compared to what I was looking at.
> 
> ...


Yep, I've told him numerous times how it makes me feel. Sometimes he is understanding and says that he won't do it anymore and then there are some times he tells me that I need to get over it. It makes me angry and hurt when he tells me to get over it, I don't think this is something that I can just get over.


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## blondebombshell (May 2, 2011)

luckyman said:


> First of all, porn can be an addiction and this has nothing to do with you. Trying to be his personal "porn star" won't cause him to turn off the computer because real sex and porn are not the same thing. What he gets out of porn he cannot get with you...what he gets from you he can't get from porn.
> 
> He has developed an interest in porn that doesn't necessarily reflect whether or not he is satisfied with you sexually. I know guys who have great sex lives with beautiful wives and still look at porn. This is more about the compulsive nature of viewing porn.
> 
> ...


Thank you for putting that in perspective for me. There were so many fights about porn that I just decided that it would be okay for him to watch but only if I don't want to have sex with him or if I am not at home. I can't really say that I was ever extremely comfortable with it though.


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## Nicbrownn80 (Mar 20, 2011)

Its must be hard to agree with him watching porn. I know my wife would never agree too that. 

Watching tougher is a little different. Anyway point is I think it is fair to watch porn only when your not home or tired. But coming form a guy sometimes after sex, I am still horny (and I already had an orgasm) and I know my wife will not want 2nds ... so ... u get the rest.

I think every marriage is different and remember you set the rules.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

I suppose the next time he tells you to get over it you can tell him that you're going to get over him
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

He sounds like he has a porn addiction/compulsion. When his viewing habtis are getting in the way of your marriage, and he cannot stop the behavior, that is a problem. He needs counseling. He is most likely using the porn as an escape the same way an alcoholic uses booze. It makes him forget his problems for a while. It's not a healthy coping mechanism when it is destroying his marriage.

I would insist that he get counseling or that you get counseling if he does not go. Marriage counseling is another option. 

Just like alcohol can be fine in moderation, so can porn. But when someone can't handle alcohol, they have to stop drinking altogether. Same with porn. He can't handle it, so he has to stop using it altogether.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

There is a gray area where solo vs partnered sex gets out of balance.

He may have hit that tipping point.

Are you suggesting he have no solo sexual moments? Do you maintain that same rule for yourself?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

michzz said:


> There is a gray area where solo vs partnered sex gets out of balance.
> 
> He may have hit that tipping point.
> 
> ...


If one spouse's solo sexual moments/pursuits are negatively impacting a couple's sexual moments, then there is definitely a problem that needs to be addressed with that solo activity.


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## Leilanyi (May 12, 2011)

You're not alone with being upset about your husband looking at porn. Many woman can not tolerate it in the least. I'm in a similar situation myself.

My husband and I have only been married for 5 months (dated for a year before that). I am MORE than willing to go at it whenever he wants to and he knows that, but he hardly ever initiates sex. I asked him why he won't, he shrugs and says "he just doesn't think about it". Then I find out that he's looking at porn whenever he has a chance. I believe I'm pretty open minded about porn. I really don't mind if he looks at it if it's that time of the month or I'm at work, but he looks at it when I'm right there and he knows he could have me if he'd let me know. It is extremely frustrating for me and it kills my self esteem (even though I know my looks haven't changed at all since we were dating and things were hot and heavy then). I can completely understand about your husband looking at it after sex too because mine will do the same. I wish I could offer advice, but my post was more so you know you're not alone. I've tried to ask my husband why if he "doesn't think about sex" does he look at porn daily and the only thing he could say was he enjoys watching it... and now tries to hide it from me...


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