# Help me get past this!!!



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Ok, things have been getting better...
When I keep my own feelings in check, take some of the advice offered here about chilling out on my own needs, etc...
Therapy was very good the other night..in short: progress.
But yesterday we had a misunderstanding...I mentioned that I had ordered him a gift and it wasn't going to arrive in time.
He said it was "foolish" to do that, since we're traveling.
I told him I didn't appreciate being called foolish, because i'd done something nice for him.
He heard me out, understood my pov, ok. 
(little did he know the reason I couldn't order it sooner was because he dropped a hint out of the blue that he wanted this particular gift a week ago and I rushed out that day to try and get it)
I was still a little cranky over it, and he snapped and snarled right back.
so then he apologized for being snarky.
I did too, then to clear it up, I said: "look honey, I felt bad that you won't get to open it by Christmas. I know it'll make you happy and I'm bummed.
What he said NEXT is the part I'm stuck on: he responded to that statement with such harshness and lack of empathy: "am I supposed to feel sorry for you?"
um, OUCH. Your wife just said something SWEET. What's wrong with you??? 
Ok, I realize the timing of my saying it was right after our misunderstanding, so he "felt pushed" and maybe interpreted a complaint or attack on him, then "got defensive."
but it hurt, cut me deeply. Because I was coming from a place of love and trying to bring in understanding, and he couldn't see or accept that, and kept his fighting gloves on. 
the rest of the day was bad because I couldn't get over it. We drove 6 hours to my parents' house.
Before bed, I told him it had really hurt me, and he said he was sorry.
But it's keeping me awake anyway. It's depressing to feel so misunderstood by the man who says he loves me, even when I am as sincere and self-reflective as I can be.
I just want a happy Christmas, our first as a married couple. I really felt we were going to have one, as the week had been so good.
How do I get past this and feel better, how can we keep moving forward as we were just yesterday morning before this?

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I shouldve just dropped it after he said "no, I don't think *you're* foolish, it was just a risky thing to do. I'll be happy to open the gift after new year's."

I shouldve dropped it then.

But I did the thing he hates: harp on something.

Then he did the thing I hate: be insensitive.

And we're off to the races. Sigh.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Your husband really doesn't know the art of talking. He doesn't know what to say to make a woman's heart melt. 

It needs a lot of patience to live with a man like this. 

Sounds like you have to take a lot of training. 

If you can tame him, I am going to give you many thumbs up!!!!


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> Your husband really doesn't know the art of talking. He doesn't know what to say to make a woman's heart melt.
> 
> It needs a lot of patience to live with a man like this.
> 
> ...


thank you gp...
I really need some encouragement.
How do I get past this? Help!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

@Greenpearl

From sounds of things I doubt he was exactly in the mood for that lol

@credamdochasgra

Stuff like this happens all the time with the missus and I. And it adds to the anger/frustration as well when you're in a good, loving, happy mood only to be confronted by a cold steel wall (That actually happened a few days ago - hence I joined this forum venting lol). I can get my 'shields up' just as fast in such an occasion.

To be honest a break was really what we needed, I was very angry and frustrated when I joined. But writing everything down helped, and when we finally were able to talk again, I didn't have my fighting gloves on nor did she. So we were able to communicate. I think it's more a temper issue we have maybe... we're both very passionate beings, but I dunno...


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

At least he apologized though...does that count for something?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Depends on how he apologised, if it's anything like the dreaded "Oh you're right, you're really right, I'm sorry" response with the sarcastic tone... I dunno... heh


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> thank you gp...
> I really need some encouragement.
> How do I get past this? Help!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You have been doing great for the last week! 

I don't know how to deal with men who don't respect me, I don't think I would react much better than you did! 

I do know how to treat people who are rude, I ignore them. I don't talk to them if they don't know what to say to make my heart warm. 

But he is your husband, you can't avoid talking to him. 

Let him know what he says cuts, but tell him calmly. In the future, let him know if he says things which cut, you are going to stop talking, but give him smiles. Can you be able to do that? Smile, but don't talk! Show him that you are civil by smiling. If he knows to say sweet things, then you talk and say sweet things. I don't know if this can help or not. I have never tried! 

Hey, tomorrow is Christmas, please don't let this kind of thing bother you. 

He has apologized, give him a kiss, and forget all this! We all say things which hurt, learning to forgive is important for us too!!! It protects us from getting more pain!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> At least he apologized though...does that count for something?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It counts! 

Men who are proud don't apologize easily!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

And I do know another weapon for women to use. It works great on men. 

Cry!!! Cry sadly...........................

I was talking to my husband about this today, my husband said it works, but he said it is not fair for us women to use this weapon, us crying is like men using their fists.

But, hey, if he doesn't know how to make you smile. Then cry, and make him feel bad. Strong men can't take it when women cry!!!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I agree with your husband, it's horrible to watch -.-

Especially when it's genuine and she was trying to hide it behind closed doors and I heard her sobbing to her MUM on the phone of all people... it broke the month-long ST on our 2nd last fight. But even then, it didn't really solve anything much, unlike our last fight.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> I agree with your husband, it's horrible to watch -.-
> 
> Especially when it's genuine and she was trying to hide it behind closed doors and I heard her sobbing to her MUM on the phone of all people... it broke the month-long ST on our 2nd last fight. But even then, it didn't really solve anything much, unlike our last fight.


I am good at crying! 

Dude, us women are weak creatures, we are sensitive, you men have to learn to cherish instead of hurting....................but don't spoil us, if you spoil us for an inch, we want a foot!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

We men have a natural urge to protect the "weaker" sex, crying is manipulating that -.-

That's also actually the reason why female soldiers are forbidden from front-line roles in the Australian military because men will always protect the ladies over other men due to our nature.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> We men have a natural urge to protect the "weaker" sex, crying is manipulating that -.-


Hey, we cry because we are sad, we are hurt! we don't cry for fun!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I know, I'm just venting about what we men to put up with when it comes to you women! Heh


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> I know, I'm just venting about what we men to put up with when it comes to you women! Heh


Women are a lot of fun if you men know how to deal with us! 

Hey, deal with us with love and respect, not with tantrum and thundering voice!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Aye, but it's gotta work bothways - just like your hubby said, women crying is like men using their fists xD


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

No. Crying does not help the situation. Ever.
Yes, his apology was sincere.
He woke up this morning and was sweet. 
But I was cranky, so he bit back defensively.
I'm in a bad mood.
Why do I always have to be the one to lead the way to our happiness and respect?
Why can't he just be nice to start with? 
All I want for Christmas is some gentleness and kindness from my husband.
And to keep growing like I thought we were.
Sorry to be such a downer, everyone.
I'll keep doing my best, get back to my "think of his needs, love him and lead by example,"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> No. Crying does not help the situation. Ever.
> Yes, his apology was sincere.
> He woke up this morning and was sweet.
> But I was cranky, so he bit back defensively.
> ...


So... he woke up in a sweet mood, but being cranky... you got his shields up, sounds like me. And you sound like the missus lol

A toast, to the fact that we're both f--ked! 
Merry Christmas!


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Thanks, right back atcha...
Guess I gotta just cheer myself up because it's the only thing that'll work. Let's hope he can stop being a crankypants too.
Time to blow sunshine up my a$$.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> Aye, but it's gotta work bothways - just like your hubby said, women crying is like men using their fists xD


Hello, dude, that's what my hubby said.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Thanks, right back atcha...
> Guess I gotta just cheer myself up because it's the only thing that'll work. Let's hope he can stop being a crankypants too.
> Time to blow sunshine up my a$$.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Be happy that you have all of us here to cheer you up!


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> No. Crying does not help the situation. Ever.
> Yes, his apology was sincere.
> He woke up this morning and was sweet.
> But I was cranky, so he bit back defensively.
> ...


You asked why can't he just be nice to start with? Um..it sounds like he WAS. You said he woke up this morning and was sweet. YOU were cranky. You have to learn to let those bad moods go. It's not worth it. Why was him not being sweet to you (which is what you want) not enough to help out that mood a little?


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Good point, mm.
Just the kick in the pants I needed. Thank you.
Yes, this morning he was...but.I guess I was cranky over losing sleep from yesterday's crap.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JohnR617 (Dec 23, 2010)

Hey C - Major has a point.

You have to let things go. If you can't, how can you expect him to do the same. Us guys rarely wake up still feeling the same about things from the night before, lol, lucky us.

Think about your feelings. Are they justified? If so, how are they? If not, why continue feeling that way?

Sometimes there's an underling feeling about something that's completely unrelated that's keeping you from letting go on current issues and continue to "harp" on things.

Se if there is and perhaps you can get past this on your own? 

Just my two cents


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Some are justified, don't know if you read the beginning...
But he said he was sorry.
So I should let it go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> At least he apologized though...does that count for something?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's a cheap apology and does show understanding of why you are hurt it is not enough to just say sorry and continue to make the same mistakes. When he apoligized he would have said what he was apologizing for and acknowledging how his attitude hurt you. You have evry right to be upset he says sorry as an easy way out they are just words that do not translates into action. Dont be fearful of confronting about sincere apology and change in attitude if you keep silent and doubt you feeling resentment will build and things will not work anyway. So get it out a temporary period of unhappiness and definate request on your part for change and not acceting less will set the tone for future improvement. If you are silent just to keep the peace things will not work because you will be the one doing all of the adjusting. Don't let him get away with an empty sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JohnR617 (Dec 23, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Some are justified, don't know if you read the beginning...
> But he said he was sorry.
> So I should let it go.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, I did, read the whole thing. You've both got issues obviously. But regardless of whether or not he extended an half baked apology - the fact that he was willing to go down that path you should try being more magnanimous and perhaps he'll start feeling different about how he's been treating you.

It's rare both sides of a relationship meet in the middle. It was once explained to me that conflict is like those hanging steel balls that sit on executive desks. The ones where if you grab two and let go - two on the opposing side bounce away. If you grab and stop the ball from slamming back then the other side doesn't move. In relationships it kinda works that way as well. 

Stop the pushing and perhaps he'll respond in kind.

It's tough to change knee-jerk reactions to negative stimulus, but for the sake of your relationship and your emotional well being, you have to try


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

JohnR617 said:


> Hey C - Major has a point.
> 
> You have to let things go. If you can't, how can you expect him to do the same. Us guys rarely wake up still feeling the same about things from the night before, lol, lucky us.
> 
> ...


That may be true but guys not remembering what they say to hurt and having the attitude that women harp on things is a major reason women shut down in a relationship. So it is unacceptable to just be guys. That fine if you are in a relationship with a man but not in a relationship with a woman. She needs resolution, and she needs to persue this until she gets it and she roes not have to drop it that is the worse relationship advice. There are plenty of stories her of men being left and then regreting not doing the simple act of communicating with his wife and expecting to drop issue just because he did. 

OP you are not wrong you are a women and woman need resolution or resentment builds and you will shut down for sure. Don't give in to the stupid concept that men do this or that - for a relationship to work the guy thing excuse obviously does not work. If your woman needs to talk about somethig shut her down if you like but dont be suprised when she shuts you down. Its impossible to stuff your feelings and still be affectionate and intimate so dont do the guy thing. Men can do that but not women and since the relationship is with a woman then you have to understand the connection and give her what she needs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Catherine, I've heard some half-a$$ed apologies from him...
And this was a more sincere one...he "mirrored, validated and empathized" in the dialogue process we've learned in therapy; he seemed to understand what had hurt me.
And time will tell if both our behaviors can change because yes, John, we do push each others buttons.
We each know what we need to do to help us get past this punky phase we're in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Well, like our T says: "there are always two answers."
it can't be his way, it can't be my way...we're struggling to find our way.
He did try; doesn't take from the initial hurt.
But I can appreciate that he tried.
The more I try on my end, the more I can tell that we're getting better.
And I can sense that my trying also leads to his trying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> At least he apologized though...does that count for something?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Of course it does.

And, you should have stopped right there.

Now, one other thing, you will never "solve" anything at 3-4 in the morning.

It just saps your energy and patience for the next day also.

If you need OTC medication to help you sleep, I can direct you to it.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Thanks, Conrad...
We weren't trying to solve at 3am. I was insomniac.
Like I said, I shouldve dropped it after the FIRST apology.
The part he said that cut me, would never have been said. Because he was agitated by that point.
Doesn't make it right, but it happens to be true.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Thanks, Conrad...
> We weren't trying to solve at 3am. I was insomniac.
> Like I said, I shouldve dropped it after the FIRST apology.
> The part he said that cut me, would never have been said. Because he was agitated by that point.
> ...


I am talking about you being awake brooding about this.

THAT DOES ABSOLUTELY NO GOOD AND NOTHING GETS SOLVED FROM IT.

Trust me, I've been there.

2 x 25mg diphenhydramine (50mg dose of generic benadryl) will send you off to sleep safely.

Make use of it next time - instead of posting here @3am.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Ok, wise Conrad...can you answer my original question:
how do I get past this...now?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Most people will tell you just forgive and forget it. That does not work you are the injured party and it is not over until you feel it's over. Forgiveness is erned and it does not matter what you did before this all happened. In orde to get over this you need his help, you were trying to be nice to him and he said two things that were unacceptable and the fact that he wants to rush you into moving forward says that he does not yet accept responsibility. As I understand you got him a gift and he was nasty because it was late but the gift was ordered late because you listened to what he wanted and went out of your way to get it. He said another nasty thing both were uncalled for even if you ordered late due to poor planning. The that you act was one of caring and kindness hurts even more. 

Did you tell him why the gift was late? If not the hell with the surprise tell why and tell him again that you were doing something for him and he did not have the full story besides the judgement. Forgiving cheaply and having to accept what ever the person gives you is supported by therapist and some religions but it does not work the aggreved parties pain goes underground and festers. What does work is the person who does the injury to slow the injured party what ever time they need to get over it, they don't give a time limit. That attitude actually shortens the time for recovery because you feel that the other person is helping not try to avoid there discomfort at the expense of you discomfort. 

The is an e book that I and my husband read that really helped us to recover and work on our marriage. It is "How can I forgive you" by Janice Abrahms - Singer she goes against much of the current advice about forgiveness where the injured party has to do all of the work and shift the burden of work onto the person who perpetrated the injury. She says it better for you not to just get over it take the time you need. Many times we don't fully forgive because there is the requirement for cheap fast forgiveness and the admonition to get over it. That does not work. 

The convensional wisdom is that couples who work on the marriage have happier marriages but when researcher look more closely the injured person is hiding resentment for the sake of making it work. The reason is that they are told to do so by therapist and clergy and the average person but they are all wrong. Just because the majority of people believe something does not make it true. That is obvious by the many events in history. I think for myself and study things I don't understand and seems wrong that is why I found this book because all of the advice on forgiveness did not work for me and I am not abnormal. People use the Bible advising to forgive is the higest form of grace but they skip over the fact that the Bible has many passage that gives God's view on forgiving, and atonement to the injured party is necessary.

The Jewish faith has teaching that are more realistic, there components of forgiveness and atonement to the injured party is part of it. To me, that is far better I don't think it comes cheap, if it need there is no sincere apology. So I don't agree with the other poster if you are going to be miserable for Chistmas so should he he did you the wrong why should you be the only one to bear the consequences. Sounds mean but for me it works better. Get the book it will help. You can download and start reading right away you both would read and inform your therapist too. Don't feel you are the bad guy because you are not moving forwards just because the majority thinks you should, I am desenting and if this sounds more productive for you, go you own way and get the hubby on board. If this is going to work that's what you need or it will not work. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Catherine, I do appreciate your support.
But I can't force my hubs any more than he can push me to get over it faster.
After the first rude thing he said, he DID understand and apologize.
If I wasn't over it yet, I coukdve gotten over it in my own time without continuing to discuss the issue.
Not that I was wrong---it just wasn't helpful.
We had a conversation about it today...he admitted there was something about my mentioning it in the first place that bothered him...details aren't important, but it put the focus back on him and off me...it's HIS problem how and why it bugged him, and he took ownership of that...has to do with HIS perceptions.
Right now he's being deferential and sweet; he knows I'm still bugged, but happy to be with my family for Christmas.
And honestly...often my silence on something speaks louder to him than anything I could say.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I was unable to get over the whole thing last night, and we deteriorated into an argument. 
Hubs got mean because I pushed.
He hates when I push.
I hate when he gets mean. Thus the cycle.
This morning is Christmas...happy day ahead with family.
THIS is the best i'm going to get from him on the issue:
"i don't blame you for being upset."
Well hallelujah!
at this point, that's freaking good enough for me!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Credam,

This will seem like an obtuse sort of question.

But, do you know the age you were when you first started to have these feelings.

Now, I'm not asking about what age you were when you and your husband started getting into it.

I'm talking about your chronological age the first time you felt neglected and started "pushing" to get what you want from someone.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Good question...I'll think on that...T would ask me the same.
Guess I was around 6. I remember it. Guess when I started being jealous of my perfectly sweet little sister, who got love easily because she was and is a total sweetheart, and I felt like a shy, over-sensitive, moody little weirdo who was the only person ever to befriend the underdog who got bullied at school.
Another good question is:
what was the age when he learned that snapping, shutting down, yelling, or threatening was a way to respond to someone who asked him a question?
Or when did he begin to suspect someone's self-serving motivations when they say something out of love?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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