# In Love with my dream at the cost of my family



## rkelly1970 (Jan 4, 2012)

Not sure if this is the right forum but I would appreciate any advice I can have - last week my 2 year affair was brought to light and now my family and children(ages 7-13-14) are aware of it and are in shock that I would do something like that to them and to their mom. Truth is we have been unhappy in our marriage for about 5 years and about 3 years ago I meet this woman that not only is everything I could ever dream in a woman but is also my best friend. She is now divorce and in the past 2 years has showed me what true love really means. She respects me and treats me like a king day in and day out we are on a constant high all the time and like i said before she is not only an amazing woman that I know i can be happy with but she is also my best friend... But in order to stay with her I would lose my children's respect and they would never accept her and always blame her for breaking their family apart. Everyone keeps telling me that children will adapt and get over it but right now they are hurting so bad and it is killing me... It has been a week since this has come to light and still my children will not communicate with me or want to see me.... 

Do I continue this amazing relationship with the woman that I am in love with and I know she will take care of me like no other for the rest of my life ? Or do I go back to my family and try to work things out like they are asking me to ? I will say that my children mean the world to me and in my heart I know that i can't live without the children... 

Any thoughts advice or inputs would be greatly appreciated


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

Whoa, really?

What do YOU think you should do...

You don't really need to answer, it's obvious by the way you have written the post.

Go look up "the fog" and maybe consider the relationship you have built with the other woman (OW) is based purely in fantasy. 

Just curious, ever consider how your actions make your wife feel...


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

The pain for the children is going to be there either way now that they now. Your AP didn't break your family apart, you did. She does play a role, but the choice was yours. And the damage has already been done.

Get your kids in counseling now. They'll have a better chance in their relationships if they understand what happened and why. They might even forgive you some day.

As for you, you need to decide if you want to be a lame duck husband, or try to keep your dream alive with the OW. 

Good luck


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Google the effects of infidelity on children, also google the effects of divorce on children

Get the book "His Needs Her Needs"

Be a real man


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## Benatar (Dec 31, 2011)

Wow...you sound like my husband. He keeps telling me what a best friend his OW is to him too. How she treats him like a King etc. Unfortunately us wives get the sxxt end of the deal cause we are too busy taking care of kids, taking kids to doctors when sick, taking them to school, doing homework with, cleaning house, making dinner, picking up dog poo, feeding animals, probably working a part-time if not full time job on top of all this, grocery shopping, attending school functions and so much more...that we forget to treat you guys like a KING! My therapist says that in reality..we women should be treated like Queens..and when that happens then in return, you get to be treated like their KING. Makes sense to me. Please don't take this as me jumping on the wifes side just because I am also a BS...I'm just saying it really takes two. The only problem that I see between two spouses being best friends, is that LIFE has gotten in the way. It's there...You have to want to be your wifes best friend to get that same feeling. 
Have you ever been best friends with your wife or are you assuming that you never could?

Try treating your wife like a Queen and I bet you she would start treating you like a King and become your best friend. 

I wish you the best of luck with your decision making.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

This is going to get ugly. 

Obviously, this thread will. But you will be long gone before that. 

More importantly, your life and the lives of everyone you love are about to be thrust into hell. You have no idea what pain is.

Drugs do funny things to people. Copy the post you just made, look at it in 2 years. You'll see what I meant.


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## rkelly1970 (Jan 4, 2012)

Wow ok thank you all for the great advice thus far and taking the time to post... Maybe I am blinded by the fantasy life and I should just go back to the life I had even if I was unhappy at least hen I had my children in my life ....


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## rkelly1970 (Jan 4, 2012)

Benatar said:


> Wow...you sound like my husband. He keeps telling me what a best friend his OW is to him too. How she treats him like a King etc. Unfortunately us wives get the sxxt end of the deal cause we are too busy taking care of kids, taking kids to doctors when sick, taking them to school, doing homework with, cleaning house, making dinner, picking up dog poo, feeding animals, probably working a part-time if not full time job on top of all this, grocery shopping, attending school functions and so much more...that we forget to treat you guys like a KING! My therapist says that in reality..we women should be treated like Queens..and when that happens then in return, you get to be treated like their KING. Makes sense to me. Please don't take this as me jumping on the wifes side just because I am also a BS...I'm just saying it really takes two. The only problem that I see between two spouses being best friends, is that LIFE has gotten in the way. It's there...You have to want to be your wifes best friend to get that same feeling.
> Have you ever been best friends with your wife or are you assuming that you never could?
> 
> Try treating your wife like a Queen and I bet you she would start treating you like a King and become your best friend.
> ...



Great response and to be honest with you yes years ago my wife was my best friend and then when the kids came and life took over we lost that friendship and became more like roommates... Again thank you for taking the time


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## rkelly1970 (Jan 4, 2012)

Saki said:


> Whoa, really?
> 
> What do YOU think you should do...
> 
> ...


Yes I have, in fact my wife has been fasting and praying for me the last 7 days - She leaves me messages and tells me she has forgiven me... That together we can get through this and that we can move forward and not look back... She understand that together we got to this unhappy place but that together we can get past it .... I think the answer is pretty clear here I need to break the heart of the woman that I now love and has given me the best two years of my life and go back to my family and make it work... Thank you for your post...


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

rkelly1970 said:


> Wow ok thank you all for the great advice thus far and taking the time to post... Maybe I am blinded by the fantasy life ....


Your not going to listen to anything anyone says. Giving you "advice" is a waste of breath. 

You are blinded bro, you really have no idea. You are on drugs, your mind is completely saturated with dopamine. So is your affair partners. It is a fantasy, it will come crashing down on you and everyone you love. 

Really, you have little idea what you have done. Worse, you have no idea what your going to do. Man, your fuct up good.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Stop blaming others for your own mistakes. Tell your wife the truth, that YOU had and affair on her. 

Total betrayal on your end. Your justifying your affair and that is just plain wrong. You could of saved your marriage 5 years ago, but chose not to. It takes both parites to work as a union, not one. The last 3 years you've been betraying your wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

rkelly1970 said:


> Yes I have, in fact my wife has been fasting and praying for me the last 7 days


Come on dude, she's not fasting.

She can't eat. I've lost 20 pounds since my most recent DDay. 

You have placed her in a world of pain you don't even begin to understand.

She has not forgiven you either. She is telling you what you want to hear so that you will choose her.

If you choose to go be with your fantasy woman, you will eventually cheat on her too. Just so you know....


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Final comment on this thread from me:

- Divorce your wife.
- Get the kids in counseling.
- Expect to lose more than your family (friends, assets, etc.)
- Marry the other woman and try to live happy with the scraps of your former life in tow.

Risk: Your dream crashes and you've lost it all.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

I have been in the same shoes your children are walking in. My Mom is in a 30 year relationship with a married man, her Highschool Sweetheart. He doesn't divorce his wife because he thinks he can't afford it. My Mom has never pushed for it either because she doesn't want to marry him.
While I look down on my Mom for being the "Other Woman" and I refused to visit her if her boyfriend is around (she chose on many occassions him over either me or her granddaugther), his children bear by far the bigger burden. It has ruined both their lives.
I don't think you understand what your children have been going through, are going through and will be going through. Your happiness and love to the other woman means nothing to them and it shouldn't because you chose her over them. Now I understand that people fall in love and I also understand that your current wife might not have been the right person for you - so you made a mistake. The right thing to do is for you to either stop seeing the other woman forever (zero contact, quit cold turkey) and try to work things out with your wife and children. Second option, divorce your wife, marry the other woman and work things out with your children. I believe you already knew of these options when you posted.
When we become parents, the happiness and emotional health of our children ALWAYS comes first before our own happiness.


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## rkelly1970 (Jan 4, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Your not going to listen to anything anyone says. Giving you "advice" is a waste of breath.
> 
> You are blinded bro, you really have no idea. You are on drugs, your mind is completely saturated with dopamine. So is your affair partners. It is a fantasy, it will come crashing down on you and everyone you love.
> 
> Really, you have little idea what you have done. Worse, you have no idea what your going to do. Man, your fuct up good.



yes i am aware that I have Fook up BIG TIME - but I do believe that this life I have been living is not only killing me but killing those that i love I just wish i knew how to end the affair in an amicable way that is not going to turn ugly for all of us... Just not sure what to say to the woman that i love.... " hey i love you but I'm leaving you " just doesn't work to well


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## rkelly1970 (Jan 4, 2012)

FourtyPlus said:


> When we become parents, the happiness and emotional health of our children ALWAYS comes first before our own happiness.



And this reason alone is why I plan on going back and trying to make things work.... I just wish i knew what to say to the OW who I care for deeply...

Thank you for your post


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

rkelly1970 said:


> Wow ok thank you all for the great advice thus far and taking the time to post... Maybe I am blinded by the fantasy life and I should just go back to the life I had even if I was unhappy at least hen I had my children in my life ....


What about your children's happiness? What about their lives? How are you ever going to repair the damage you have done to them? How does their happiness measure up against your own?
You put yours before theirs!
I understand it might upset you that nobody is going to really care about your happiness. That is because you have put your own happiness before your family's and have been doing this behind their backs. 

I sooooo understand now what you all mean by "selfishness"! OMG


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

rkelly1970 said:


> I just wish i knew how to end the affair in an amicable way that is not going to turn ugly for all of us...


Here's a thought, start thinking about how best to end this affair in a way that turns the least ugly for your wife.

Time for you to stop caring about the feelings of the OW. Start putting your family first.


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## stuckmick (Dec 10, 2011)

youre not in love, its the idea of being in love. Like Pit said your brain is on drugs. She is not your best friend. You allowed her to enter your marriage....Quit making excuses and man up....


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

rkelly1970 said:


> But in order to stay with her *I would lose my children's respect *and they would never accept her and always blame her for breaking their family apart.


Correction: your children have already lost respect for you because of your betrayal. And it's true, they may always hate the OW since she did participate willingly in betraying your marriage/family. 

How did your family discover the affair? Do tell.



rkelly1970 said:


> Do I continue this amazing relationship with the woman that I am in love with and I know she will take care of me like no other for the rest of my life ? Or do I go back to my family and try to work things out like they are asking me to ?


Only you can decide this. But my advice is to not string your wife along if you don't know what to do. Because, frankly, she deserves better. Either you are in or you are out. 

I hope you have at least apologized to her and acknowledge the pain you have caused to her by cheating on her for the last 3 years.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

rkelly1970 said:


> And this reason alone is why I plan on going back and trying to make things work.... I just wish i knew what to say to the OW who I care for deeply...
> 
> Thank you for your post


Here's what you can say "I'm going back to my family if they still want me. Good Bye". That's all you need to say. It's a clear cut, it's a precise cut and it's the only way to do it. Call her right now! Make the choice right now! It's gonna hurt but you'll get over it. Don't just plan on going back to your family, go back right now! Don't try to make it work, make it work!


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## rkelly1970 (Jan 4, 2012)

Ok I think i might have left a few key points out... before this came to light I spend every free moment with my kids playing ball and doing many fun things with them we are all very active and play several sports all the time together I give them all that I can everyday it's not like I'm a dead beat dad that doesn't provide for his children ... I have provided and on the weeks that I have them I spend it with them showing them that I'm a great dad to them ... They understand that i am not living with them because their mom and I can't get along ... The relationship that i have with them is the main reason why I want to go back .....


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

Unfair post, removed at my own descretion

RKelly, take a good look at what you've done.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Did your wife kick you out? Where are you staying? How long have you been gone from home? How was the affair discovered by your family? Does your wife know the OW?


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

I understand and spending quality time with them is good, I commend you for that. On the other hand though, every time they look at you they are looking at the reason why their Mommy is unhappy. Every time they look at you they wish you would just come back home so they can have what they want most - a family!

Do you love your wife?


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## rkelly1970 (Jan 4, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Correction: your children have already lost respect for you because of your betrayal. And it's true, they may always hate the OW since she did participate willingly in betraying your marriage/family.
> 
> How did your family discover the affair? Do tell.
> 
> ...


I have apologized to her multiple times and like I stated before she is a Cristian woman and has been fasting and praying for me and that the Lord points my heart in the right direction.. She has called me and begged me to come back home and that she has forgiven me .... Yes I know that I have lost my children's respect already my daughter has told me that over and over again.... 

OK you all wanted to know how this came to light... Well if my post hasn't already made me out to be a horrible person this will...

On the week that I had my children my daughter went into my bedroom to look for something and stumbled on to some cards that the OW had given me and in those cards was how she found out her dad was having the affair so she took pictures with her phone and then called her mom to come pick her up right away and she told her everything and showed her the pictures of the cards... and then I was confronted and I told her the truth... This all happen the day after Christmas


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## rkelly1970 (Jan 4, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Did your wife kick you out? Where are you staying? How long have you been gone from home? How was the affair discovered by your family? Does your wife know the OW?


I chose to move out last year about 6 months ago because our marriage was not getting any better and my relationship with the OW was going absolutely amazing so my wife agreed to separation 

My Wife knows of the OW but not personally...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Gotcha.

Ok so you lied to your wife and said you wanted to separate under the guise of "not getting along" when in fact, you were having an affair.

Ok. 

Yeah my advice is: if you aren't sure, let your wife go. I wish she was here posting too. Cause we would all tell her to stop begging you to come home, to tell you it's either the marriage or nothing.

You can't waffle on things like this RKelly (cool name by the way lol) -- this is someone's life--your wife's. You have already disrespected her, yourself, and your marriage (and kids) in the Worst.Possible.Way...so if you can't decide or won't, please let her go so she can find someone who does truly love her and wants to be with her. You have lied to her for 3 years now. That is a long time. Put yourself in her position. How would you feel?

Does the OW know you got found out? Is your affair what led to her divorce, too?


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## rkelly1970 (Jan 4, 2012)

FourtyPlus said:


> I understand and spending quality time with them is good, I commend you for that. On the other hand though, every time they look at you they are looking at the reason why their Mommy is unhappy. Every time they look at you they wish you would just come back home so they can have what they want most - a family!
> 
> Do you love your wife?


I don't love my wife !!! I love my wife becasue she is the mother of my children but we really do not have chemistry there we have not had it for years (7 or 8) I choose to stay through it for the kids sake and then when I meet this woman and she showed me what love really is I had never been so happy in my life she is an amazing woman worships the ground I walk on and ask for nothing in return that is when I decided to move out and try to have the OW and my children in my life at the same time... I can't live without my children that is for sure !


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## OOE (Mar 17, 2011)

The title of your post says WAY more than you realize.

You're in love with the dream of what life would be like with the OW.

The reality is that if you were with her all the time, work, children, and LIFE would cause the same pressures that you have with your wife. You'd see the whole picture -- warts and all -- not just the fantasy that you're able to live in via text messages and occasional trysts.

You made a choice to enter the affair. Now you have to make another choice. 

Yes, you feel like you're going to lose something. The reality is that you've already lost more than you realize (your family's trust), and you never really had what you think you're giving up (the affair is likely based on illusion).


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

rkelly1970 said:


> I don't love my wife !!!


If this is true, then divorce your wife. 

She deserves better.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

rkelly1970 said:


> I don't love my wife !!! I love my wife becasue she is the mother of my children but we really do not have chemistry there we have not had it for years (7 or 8) I choose to stay through it for the kids sake and then when I meet this woman and she showed me what love really is I had never been so happy in my life she is an amazing woman worships the ground I walk on and ask for nothing in return that is when I decided to move out and try to have the OW and my children in my life at the same time... I can't live without my children that is for sure !


If you don't love her, then don't go back. Divorce her, let her go so she can find someone that will love her and her kids. She deserves happiness. Concentrate on working things out with your children. It might not happen anytime soon, it might never happen but you have to try it anyway.


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## rkelly1970 (Jan 4, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Does the OW know you got found out? Is your affair what led to her divorce, too?



Not solely she was already planning on a divorce but I think me being in her life moved it along...


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## rkelly1970 (Jan 4, 2012)

Yes the OW knows and is willing to stick with me through all the drama that has been happening... She is aware that is going to be hell from here on out... She is angry that I was not honest before and ended it the right way because she knows now that it will be that much harder for her to be accepted by my children...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So get a divorce. It sounds like you've already made up your mind. 

You are being totally unfair to your wife...and have been for THREE YEARS now. 

For the OW to act naive as if your affair with her wouldn't hurt your kids/family is almost laughable (if it weren't so sad). It's kind of funny the OW is angry you were "not honest before"-- what did she expect? Your entire relationship with her has been founded on lies, betrayal and deceit.


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## rkelly1970 (Jan 4, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> So get a divorce. It sounds like you've already made up your mind.
> 
> You are being totally unfair to your wife...and have been for THREE YEARS now.
> 
> For the OW to act naive as if your affair with her wouldn't hurt your kids/family is almost laughable (if it weren't so sad). It's kind of funny the OW is angry you were "not honest before"-- what did she expect? Your entire relationship with her has been founded on lies, betrayal and deceit.


Thanks Jelly for your honesty I really appreciate it ... I'm pretty certain after reading what most of you have posted what I need to do..... I know that you most of you say well just tell her it's over and don't worry about what she thinks or feels but that in it's self is extremely hard to do.. I will post an update for those that care how this mess turns out...

Thanks again for all your post...


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

rkelly1970 said:


> Yes the OW knows and is willing to stick with me through all the drama that has been happening... She is aware that is going to be hell from here on out... She is angry that I was not honest before and ended it the right way because she knows now that it will be that much harder for her to be accepted by my children...


What a great catch she must be. She's been willing to help you lie and cheat on your wide and kids for years, and now she is willing to continue doing it.

Remember if they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

rkelly1970 said:


> Thanks Jelly for your honesty I really appreciate it ... I'm pretty certain after reading what most of you have posted what I need to do..... I know that you most of you say well just tell her it's over and don't worry about what she thinks or feels but that in it's self is extremely hard to do.. I will post an update for those that care how this mess turns out...
> 
> Thanks again for all your post...



That's what we are here for. To listen and advise. 

You will find a lot of differing perspectives here. Some have been betrayed, some disloyal, some both (me).

Good luck.


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## rkelly1970 (Jan 4, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Remember if they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have heard this over and over again ...


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

rkelly1970 said:


> I have heard this over and over again ...


There is a reason.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Think about what people are telling you. 

Is it really love with OW or is it only a dream? 

Think back to when you met your wife. Was she also your dream? Didn't you feel as much love for her then as you do now for the OW?

Marriage isn't easy. It takes work to ensure the feeling of love lasts. Pressures of jobs, money, children, etc all can cause the loving feelings to lessen, to go away.

You have lost your integrity. The OW knows that you are capable of cheating. You know that the OW is capable of cheating. Knowing what you are each capable of will never go away. 

Hearing you say you "Don't love your wife!" makes me feel that it is all too late. You can't go back without continuing to hurt your wife. She deserves better.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

rkelly1970 said:


> I have heard this over and over again ...


I say it not to be mean, but to try to get you to look at and see the OW for what she is.

She isn't your best friend.

She is your worst enemy.

Like meth, she makes you feel good, but like meth she is (not a hypothetical will, but a real IS) she is costing you your life.

She is costing you your children and your wife.

She is costing you your future and your family.

Like a meth addict you are going to rationalize everything so you can get high again, regardless of the cost.

Until you realize that you and the meth addict are the same except for drug of choice, you can't begin to repair you and your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rkelly1970 (Jan 4, 2012)

SadSamIAm said:


> Think about what people are telling you.
> 
> Is it really love with OW or is it only a dream?
> 
> ...



I understand what you are saying but I want to go back and try and even if it doesn't work out at least i will have my children in my life on a daily bases and I can show them that wedding vows do mean something... Eventually I know that I can get their trust and respect back... 

Thank you for posting


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

It won't work if you are going back only for your children. You need to want your wife. You need to want the marriage, not just your children.

Think about what happened in your marriage to cause you to lose your loving feelings towards your wife. Fix the issues. Go to marriage counseling and/or individual counseling if needed.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Two things from me.

First, and for this you need to know that I'm a cheater two and also wanted to amicably end things... 



rkelly1970 said:


> y I just wish i knew how to end the affair in an amicable way that is not going to turn ugly for all of us...


This ^^ ain't gonna happen. Affairs only end badly. I spent seven month trying to get a "good" goodbye. They just don't happen in these circumstances. Two women love you - or at least think that do - someone is going to lose and that person is going to be crushed. Deal with it - it's the bear trap you stepped in. 


Second...


rkelly1970 said:


> I don't love my wife !!!


If this ^^ is true divorce your wife. If you absolutely don't love her get a divorce. For her, for you, for your kids - you will all be better off. I would say though that if you elect to go this route you should not run to your AP. You need to spend some time by yourself to get your head out of ass (and I mean that as another who has cheated) before you do anything else. Running to your AP will just apply some instant feel good, it won't help you process what has just happened in your life.


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## rkelly1970 (Jan 4, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> Two things from me.
> 
> First, and for this you need to know that I'm a cheater two and also wanted to amicably end things...
> 
> ...


It's not that I don't love my wife is that i have falling out of love with her... There is a difference... I believe that with counceling and with the Lord in our lives that we can get things right again ... I have streide away from the two things that mean the most to me... Our Lord and my church and I know that with those back in my life i can show my family that I can be a changed man and that i plan on it ! 

Thank you for posting... I really appreciate your advice


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

MARK THESE WORDS. 

1. If you go back to your W now and for these reasons (kids only), you will resent her. It's a romantic idea this whole "manning up" and throwing yourself under the bus. It won’t work and this is going to get much messier if you do. "Dry out" before you do anything.

2. You are still "high"... Your sitting at the bar talking about sobering up tomorrow... you think you can do this, just cut the OW out and play the martyr for the sake of your children. You haven't got a clue, you’re hooked. Your an addict dude, when you feel the physical pain of the withdraw and every cell in your body craves that high you've been getting from your mistress... you will crack, hard and fast. Don’t kid yourself, your weak. Your going to hurt everyone worse. Detox first please.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

rkelly1970 said:


> It's not that I don't love my wife is that i have falling out of love with her... There is a difference...


There's a big difference - huge. It's all the difference. 



Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> 2. You are still "high"... Your sitting at the bar talking about sobering up tomorrow... you think you can do this, just cut the OW out and play the martyr for the sake of your children. You haven't got a clue, you’re hooked. Your an addict dude, when you feel the physical pain of the withdraw and every cell in your body craves that high you've been getting from your mistress... you will crack, hard and fast. Don’t kid yourself, your weak. Your going to hurt everyone worse. Detox first please.


If what you said and I quoted above is true then what Pit has told you here is dead on the mark. If you want to give your wife and marriage a shot you have to go cold turkey with your AP. Write her a no contact letter, let your wife approve it and then give it to your AP. 

My affair was never physical and lasted only two months and even based on that I'll tell you it's going to be harder than you think to close the door on your AP. I honestly can't imagine it after a two year full on affair. If you really want to save your marriage be prepared for the withdrawal and understand it for what it is when it hits you. Be totally honest with your wife and the two of you work through each of your pain together.


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## rkelly1970 (Jan 4, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> There's a big difference - huge. It's all the difference.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


It's funny that you say write her a letter and have my wife approve it... This is exactly what my wife said to me... She said let me help you end it together so she can see that we are a team and not just you againts her... Wow .. I also get what Pit is saying... I mean I have my own place and I still have access to my children and that is all I need right now... I just need to stay away from the fruit by making it clear that it is over not temporarily but for ever !!!!! Wish me luck ~!


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Your wife is a smart lady and she's totally right - keep listening to her. And I do wish you good luck and strength.


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## rkelly1970 (Jan 4, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> Your wife is a smart lady and she's totally right - keep listening to her. And I do wish you good luck and strength.


Thanks Sig, Pit and everyone else that commented today..... I feel better about what I need to do...


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Don't underestimate how this loss of respect for you by your children by thinking they will get over it. I still don't respect my dad 30 years later and I have noticed talking with other that they all remember things especially tramatic things like divorces and affairs etc!! 

Children as we parents know are sponges, they learn what it takes to be an adult by watching thier parents......how to be a wife/husband/father/mother. learning from their parents religion, favorite foods, sports team, politics etc etc. 

Be careful what you are teaching your children and what they will think of you!!!


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

rkelly1970 said:


> Not sure if this is the right forum but I would appreciate any advice I can have - last week my 2 year affair was brought to light and now my family and children(ages 7-13-14) are aware of it and are in shock that I would do something like that to them and to their mom. Truth is we have been unhappy in our marriage for about 5 years and about 3 years ago I meet this woman that not only is everything I could ever dream in a woman but is also my best friend. She is now divorce and in the past 2 years has showed me what true love really means. She respects me and treats me like a king day in and day out we are on a constant high all the time and like i said before she is not only an amazing woman that I know i can be happy with but she is also my best friend... But in order to stay with her I would lose my children's respect and they would never accept her and always blame her for breaking their family apart. Everyone keeps telling me that children will adapt and get over it but right now they are hurting so bad and it is killing me... It has been a week since this has come to light and still my children will not communicate with me or want to see me....
> 
> Do I continue this amazing relationship with the woman that I am in love with and I know she will take care of me like no other for the rest of my life ? Or do I go back to my family and try to work things out like they are asking me to ? I will say that my children mean the world to me and in my heart I know that i can't live without the children...
> 
> Any thoughts advice or inputs would be greatly appreciated



If what you said is 100% true and you have soul searched back and forth!! My advice is 100% get a divorce and start over with the new woman!! To me its not even a question ;-) pm me if you want more detailsbut I speak from experience as a child that went through it. They won't understand now they will later I sure did!!

Wanted to add don't worry about all the detractors I learned long ago this site is full with people scorned. We only get one life if this woman blows your mind in every way well just get the divorce and live!! Too many people in boring, compromising, and miserable marriages staying married on principle alone. Screw that move on and live!! I'm lucky my marriage rocks if it ceased too I wouldn't hesitate to move on!!


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Read what he said again.



OhGeesh said:


> 100% get a divorce and start over with the new woman!! To me its not even a question ;-)


He advises you to leave your family and live! screw everyone! Morals? Values? Principles?



OhGeesh said:


> Screw that move on and live!!


He learned this is ok because...



OhGeesh said:


> I speak from experience as a child that went through it.


I doubt his wife (or kids) know this but...



OhGeesh said:


> my marriage rocks if it ceased too I wouldn't hesitate to move on!!


Yeah… The people who he wouldn’t “hesitate” to leave, love and trust him. The vows he made in front of god?… wouldn’t hesitate to ignore those too if he’s not having fun anymore. LIfe's short right?

This is what he wants you to do. 

But don’t listen to us…



OhGeesh said:


> this site is full with people scorned.


We advise you stop the affair. Show principles, and character. We must be scorned.

Also avoid the bible…



OhGeesh said:


> Too many people in boring, compromising, and miserable marriages staying married on principle alone.


It also advises you to have those pesky "principles", morals, and values… BUzz kill... Ignore it.

and relax about your kids...



OhGeesh said:


> They won't understand now they will later I sure did!!


They will learn, he did.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Nice Pit!

OP, you think the OW is "amazing" because you don't live with her. You aren't arguing about the bills. You aren't dealing with the petty issues like leaving the toilet seat up or those pesky nylons hanging in the bathroom. You aren't seeing her with "pillow head" and "morning breath". What you have is not amazing...it's fantasy.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Read what he said again.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

OhGeesh said:


> If what you said is 100% true and you have soul searched back and forth!! My advice is 100% get a divorce and start over with the new woman!! To me its not even a question ;-) pm me if you want more detailsbut I speak from experience as a child that went through it. They won't understand now they will later I sure did!!
> 
> Wanted to add don't worry about all the detractors I learned long ago this site is full with people scorned. We only get one life if this woman blows your mind in every way well just get the divorce and live!! Too many people in boring, compromising, and miserable marriages staying married on principle alone. Screw that move on and live!! I'm lucky my marriage rocks if it ceased too I wouldn't hesitate to move on!!


:iagree:


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

@OhGeesh: What you fail to consider is that what the OP has with the OW is not real world. While the OW can focus on just him and his needs, his wife needs to focus on the needs of his children and other real world issues. Since he loves his children and wants them to be happy, this focus on the children should be important to him and he needs to support the wife in this effort. Running off on his wife and kids may make him happier, but it will negatively impact the happiness of his children for sure.

I too was the product of a divorced family and it was very bad for our lives as children. Me and my siblings never forgave my father for the cheating that lead to the divorce. We talk to him and are polite but that is it. My mother on the other hand has all of us chipping in to help give her a great life style without a worry in the world. My dad is so jealous of the attention we give her over him, he cannot see straight. We favor her with no apologizes.

I bet that if the wife did not have to worry about the children she would have all the time in the world to make the OP just as happy as the OW. But since they decided to both have children, the OP needs to man up to that decision.

@OP: You can get it back again with your wife. My children recently moved out of our home for college, and my wife and I are dating again. My wife lost weight and now has time to regularly go the gym. She has not looked this hot in years. My children cannot believe that we have so much fun dating. My daughter actually has lectured my wife about dressing too trashy for me when we go out (she only wears this stuff with me). LOL, talk about role reversals. We are remembering why we fell in love in the first place now that we have time for us again. My only regret is that we did not date more when the children lived with us. Take the time and effort that you spent cheating and put it back into your wife and marraige. Your marraige will get better right away.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I agree with Try. Oh Geesh is living in fantasy land. Forget religion. It's REALLY EASY to have a great relationship with someone "who treats me like a king", when that's all she needs to f*cking do!! Why doesn't everyone understand this?

This is exactly why 97% of affair relationships fail. They get to "real life" and real problems and say, huh, this is harder than I thought it would be. Duh!!


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## akira1 (Dec 13, 2011)

Affairs are "built" on secrecy, deceit, and fantasy. Once met with reality and challenges, they crumble.

If the OP ever reads his posts again 1 year later, he'd cry.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

Sounds like you're one with the fog. Spare your family the pain that will ensue if you reluctantly stay out of obligation. Go off and be with the other woman. You'll discover soon enough that your fantasy bubble isn't the same when it's your daily reality. Even the woman of your dreams will become just an ordinary real life gal once the thrill has worn off. Unfortunately, you've wrecked your family already. The worst thing you can do is remain torn between one and the other. Commit and move in whatever direction you've chosen. I'm sorry for your wife and children that they have to discover that you aren't the person they thought you were. The pain of that kind of discovery is awful; you've caused it and one day you'll have to confront the reality of it  If you want to fix things, you're going to have to be willing to look at he hurt you've caused and you're going to have to be willing to work on it; not being sure which woman you want is really not good for anyone involved. Whether or not you want to be with your wife is a question separate from the issue of the other woman; so there are two things you're going to have to think about.

Good luck to you.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

rkelly1970 said:


> Wow ok thank you all for the great advice thus far and taking the time to post... Maybe I am blinded by the fantasy life and I should just go back to the life I had even if I was unhappy at least hen I had my children in my life ....


Yeah, and take a second look at this wonderful woman who is willing to intrude in another woman's marriage and family. Wonderful people don't do that my friend. The old saying "If she will cheat with you she will cheat on you" has proven to be true over and over again. It's easy for her to treat you like "a King" when she is competing with your wife ( why the hell would you want a woman to treat you like that,?.). If she manages to destroy your marriage, I think you will see another side of this wonderful person. This type of woman will always be the cheating husband's "best friend" so will anyone else who wants something from you. She is not your best friend, and she is trying to take what is not hers. You owe your wife, and children better treatment than this. A friend of mine went through a similar situation with her father and his " best friend". He left her mother for his OW ( a gold digger who was half his age) and that was the end of any relationship with his children. They never spoke to him again, . He died a few years ago and they did not attend his funeral. Your odds of a successful relationship with a person this selfish and dishonest is somewhere between %3 and %10 depending on which study you read.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

OhGeesh said:


> If what you said is 100% true and you have soul searched back and forth!! My advice is 100% get a divorce and start over with the new woman!! To me its not even a question ;-) pm me if you want more detailsbut I speak from experience as a child that went through it. They won't understand now they will later I sure did!!
> 
> Wanted to add don't worry about all the detractors I learned long ago this site is full with people scorned. We only get one life if this woman blows your mind in every way well just get the divorce and live!! Too many people in boring, compromising, and miserable marriages staying married on principle alone. Screw that move on and live!! I'm lucky my marriage rocks if it ceased too I wouldn't hesitate to move on!!


OhGeesh, why are you here exactly? Great name, it exactly describes how I felt reading your post.:rofl:


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

Wow you title in love with a dream and that is all it is but a dream. If you are truly a christian you would ask God for forgiveness first then your wife and kids and whom ever else knows. I would also aplogies to OW. You really let you faith and God down on that one. Remember God loves us if we repent.

Seek MC with wife to show you are comited and find out what went wrong that drove a wedge between you two.

I pray you do the right thing


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

If you don`t love and want your wife then divorce her.

You`ve already lost the respect of your children all you will accomplish by staying is losing respect for yourself and your wife.

Everyone will be miserable eventually.


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## vickyyy (Oct 28, 2011)

come on you already know the answer, divorce your wife and start living with OW.you will get 50/50 children custody.

have a good life with OW and if she stops you treating like king, as OhGeesh has told, dump her and start searching for new woman.keep repeating this cycle until you find such woman who will have no expectation from you.

you betrayed your wife for two years.can you feel the pain when one spouse do such things, its most agonizing and tear you from inside,but what the hell our happiness is primary.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Kelly I think you should wait before making any decisions. Consider carefully. The worse thing to do is R and then leave again because you cannot let this other relationship go. It is better to get help from a therapist and consider but don't committe unless you are sure that you can reconnect with your wife. 

Also consider that you and your AP are in the honeymoon stage and this will alter when you begin real life. Consider too that the relationship started in deception and may say something about the type of people you both are. Finally, you are blanking your wife for the problems but I think you need to acknowledge your role. I think that factor alone accounts for the high rate of failure of 2nd marriages, ~ 75%. 

If you divorce don't do it for this woman because the relationship has a high likelihood of failure. Divorce because you cannot reconnect with your wife. Please give your wife some info as to where you are to relieve her suffering somewhat. Even if you tell her that you want a separation and time to think and not to hold out hope. 

I think you will come to feel the pain and devestation that your actions have caused when you experience the same.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

oaksthorne said:


> OhGeesh, why are you here exactly? Great name, it exactly describes how I felt reading your post.:rofl:


I enjoy reading ;-)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rkelly1970 (Jan 4, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> Nice Pit!
> 
> OP, you think the OW is "amazing" because you don't live with her. You aren't arguing about the bills. You aren't dealing with the petty issues like leaving the toilet seat up or those pesky nylons hanging in the bathroom. You aren't seeing her with "pillow head" and "morning breath". What you have is not amazing...it's fantasy.


Correction I have lived with her on the weeks that I don't have my kids we share the responsabilities of a home cooking cleaning groceries all of it... We even share some of the bills that we currently have together... I do see her in the morning and I see her at her worse and even through all the responsabilities of having three children herself and holding a full time job she still still manages to make me feel like I am her number one priority day in and day out. But not just me she is aware of how important my kids are to me and is willing to walk away if i don't feel my children will accept her ... I know I posted that I was in love with my dream ... But it really should be in love with my dream come true ! I have never meet a woman like this and never thought one existed... Amazing cook, athletic, smart, pretty, loves football and in the bedroom she is everything a man could want... If I knew that my children could forgive me and accept her there would not be a question... But i don't know that .... 

My wife on the other hand is needy and can't funtion with out me holding her hand to do everything... yes i know this is the woman i married but I married her because I was lonely not because I was in love with her . . . 

thank you for taking the time to read and post


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## rkelly1970 (Jan 4, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> Kelly I think you should wait before making any decisions. Consider carefully. The worse thing to do is R and then leave again because you cannot let this other relationship go. It is better to get help from a therapist and consider but don't committe unless you are sure that you can reconnect with your wife.
> 
> Also consider that you and your AP are in the honeymoon stage and this will alter when you begin real life. Consider too that the relationship started in deception and may say something about the type of people you both are. Finally, you are blanking your wife for the problems but I think you need to acknowledge your role. I think that factor alone accounts for the high rate of failure of 2nd marriages, ~ 75%.
> 
> ...


I have told my wife to give me time to sort it all out and that in the mean time let my children know that I still love them and that I will always love them.... they know that I am a good dad they just are angry that I am not a good husban to their mother... I'm having a difficult time seeing my life without the OW in it... and we are not in a honeymoon stage we have felt like this about eachother far to long to still think this is a honeymoon stage....


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## rkelly1970 (Jan 4, 2012)

sirdano said:


> Wow you title in love with a dream and that is all it is but a dream. If you are truly a christian you would ask God for forgiveness first then your wife and kids and whom ever else knows. I would also aplogies to OW. You really let you faith and God down on that one. Remember God loves us if we repent.
> 
> Seek MC with wife to show you are comited and find out what went wrong that drove a wedge between you two.
> 
> I pray you do the right thing


Thank you for your prayer... I really need as much as I can get right now...


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

rkelly1970 said:


> If I knew that my children could forgive me and accept her there would not be a question... But i don't know that ....


As long as this is true your marriage has no chance of fulfilling you or your wife - period. You're AP owns your heart and your body is residing in your martial house. You need to get both in the same place - one or the other. As long as you are living divided you are living a compromised life and that will affect your relationship with your kids and your ability to be a good parent. 

Look - you've already got a flaming mess don't you? There's no point in backing out now. You might as well finish it off in either direction toward the conclusion you really want. I don't want to advise you to chase greener grass because it isn't there, but neither do I believe you should compromise yourself. Only you know which you are doing - hopefully.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> As long as this is true your marriage has no chance of fulfilling you or your wife - period. You're AP owns your heart and your body is residing in your martial house.


He doesn't reside in the marital home. He moved out last year. 



rkelly1970 said:


> *Correction I have lived with her on the weeks that I don't have my kids we share the responsabilities of a home cooking cleaning groceries all of it... We even share some of the bills that we currently have together... *


Oh wow. This is so much worse than what you initially posted. You have been having an affair for about 3 YEARS now, moved out of your marital home last year, and have been essentially living w/ the OW, of whom you even share bills with. 

And then you tell your wife to give you "time?" Time for what? You have been carrying on a double life for a long time now. Is your wife even aware you live w/ the OW and have/share bills with her??? For you to ask her to give you space is... really really f-cked up. I feel for your wife. Is she aware of any of this?? Have you told her any of the above? You need to if you haven't.

Since you've asked wife for more time, then that must mean you have also lied to the OW about what is going on. Is she aware you've asked your wife for "more time?" Is she aware of the guilt you feel? Is she aware that your kids are pissed at you right now? That your wife wants the marriage? I imagine you are lying to her as well.

Dude. Sh!t or get off the pot. But don't string people along while you try to "decide" which life works out best for you. That, in and of itself, is the worst thing of all about this entire story/post.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

rkelly1970 said:


> Do I continue this amazing relationship with the woman that I am in love with *and I know she will take care of me like no other for the rest of my life* ?


First of all, you don't know that. The 7 year itch and the boredom of being with the same person for too long is too much to handle for some people.




> Or do I go back to my family and try to work things out like they are asking me to ? I will say that my children mean the world to me and in my heart I know that i can't live without the children...


So its your children asking? Not the wife? Although if the wife knew how you were thinking of coming back ONLY because of the children, I'd guess she wouldn't be happy about it.

So you would basically waste more years of your wife's life for your own selfish wants?
You can adjust to being an every other weekend dad just like the rest. The kids will be fine, you will be fine, and your wife can find someone that will respect her, and move on with her life.

Otherwise, you will just be holding her hostage.


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## rkelly1970 (Jan 4, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Oh wow. This is so much worse than what you initially posted. You have been having an affair for about 3 YEARS now, moved out of your marital home last year, and have been essentially living w/ the OW, of whom you even share bills with.
> 
> And then you tell your wife to give you "time?" Time for what? You have been carrying on a double life for a long time now. Is your wife even aware you live w/ the OW and have/share bills with her??? For you to ask her to give you space is... really really f-cked up. I feel for your wife. Is she aware of any of this?? Have you told her any of the above? You need to if you haven't.
> 
> ...


Yes this is a F*cking mess I mean I have my own place that I furnished and have my kids but on the weeks that neither one of us have our kids we do live together... the OW knows that all of this is out and she is tired as well of living this hidden life/love she is willing to dance in the storm she wants me to let the kids and my wife know how I truly feel about her so we can move on - I have doubts of doing that at the cost of my children becasue as much as i love this OW I love my children more and I am willing to give up the OW and go back to my wife for my childrens sake meaning their happiness at the cost of mine ... I know that stringing both of them a long is a horrible thing to do but the things is none of them want me to leave them... the OW knows that my children are not speaking to me right now becasue they are hurt by what they have found out... I have tried to go and talk to them and tell them the truth but they did not want to see me and that was the hardest thing that I had to deal with.... When the OW found that out she told me then leave me alone and go get your children because that is more important to you then I am .... Was she wrong for telling me this and was it even more wrong of me for not leaving her and going to get my kids ???? I'm so lost and don't know what to do.... anymore ... I tought I did but now I just don't know ....


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## stuckmick (Dec 10, 2011)

rkelly1970 said:


> I have told my wife to give me time to sort it all out and that in the mean time let my children know that I still love them and that I will always love them.... they know that I am a good dad they just are angry that I am not a good husban to their mother... I'm having a difficult time seeing my life without the OW in it... and we are not in a honeymoon stage we have felt like this about eachother far to long to still think this is a honeymoon stage....


"Mother is the word for God on the lips and in the hearts of all children" ....

You are re-writing your history with your wife. Your children may love you, but respect?...out the window, especially once ALL the details come out....All the begging, crying and praying your wife is doing will turn to anger, bitterness, and resentment. Your children will see how you treated THEIR mother.....you'll be toast, absolute toast....


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

rkelly1970 said:


> I have told my wife to give me time to sort it all out


You mean to give you more time to wax your weasel with the other woman.

I feel bad for your wife, especially since its obvious she is blindly forgiving you, and if she is thinking of giving you this time, because you have emotionally abused her by having an affair.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

rkelly1970 said:


> My wife on the other hand is needy and can't funtion with out me holding her hand to do everything... yes i know this is the woman i married but I married her because I was lonely not because I was in love with her . . .


Boom, there you have it right there. Do her a favor and set her free from you. She has been emotionally abused by you and isn't thinking clearly. She doesn't know what is best for her, because if she did, and she knew the truth, she would realize that you are absolutely no good for her.

But she is blinded by the grief of being cheated on. Tell her what you just said above, and tell her you are moving out and filing for divorce. If she knew you used her and married her simply to relieve your loneliness, then maybe she'll snap out of this hysterical bonding faze and kick you out.

Or maybe she won't because she still hasn't got a clue what is best for her. Because correct me if I'm, wrong, once your kids are grown and out of the house, you'll end up leaving her anyway.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Why is this even a question? You don't love your wife, you stated you only married her because you were lonely. You love your OW and think she is amazing, smells like rainbows and unicorns and you two know each other so well/pay bills/finish each others sentences/see the "real" yous. The only reason you would stay with your wife is to not upset your kids but they already know so what's the deal? Leave your wife and go be with your soul mate schmoopie. Your kids will never accept her so good thing you find her so charming. The cats out of the bag. Nothing you can do about it now. 
This entire question wasn't about how you could save your marriage. It was about how to you soften the blow to your kids, a blow you and your trollop dealt to them. You really want validation. You could care less about your marriage.
It's a small wonder your marriage has been bad for years. You married to make YOU less lonely and in doing that you tossed all your lonliness on your wife, cheat on her and pull the rug out from under your family.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Yeah, just let your wife go, guy. You'll still have access to your kids. She will suffer for awhile but eventually she will recover and be a better person for it. You don't deserve her love and fidelity. Period.

You can explain to your kids once they understand that it was better for the family in the long run for you to leave because you were only creating a bad environment and it would have been even worse if you stayed. Then treat your kids like "kings" the rest of your life and maybe they'll forgive you.

Seriously, staying with your wife would be far more cruel than if you left her at this point. Good luck with the fantasy afterward.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> He doesn't reside in the marital home. He moved out last year.


Oops - forgot that minor detail. 

OP you're kids will most respect honesty and how you treat people. They already know you've had an affair - that ship has sailed and isn't coming back. The only chance you have to salvage their opinion of you is to be honest and as respectful to your wife as possible. In your case I suspect that means divorce but I know it means being totally honest with her and then letting her decide if she even wants you back to work on the marriage. 

You have made a horrible mess - there is no magic rabbit hole out of wonderland. You have to walk out the front door one step at a time and take what the people you hurt give you. There's a price for cheating - this is it - be man enough to stand up and pay it.


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## rkelly1970 (Jan 4, 2012)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Why is this even a question? You don't love your wife, you stated you only married her because you were lonely. You love your OW and think she is amazing, smells like rainbows and unicorns and you two know each other so well/pay bills/finish each others sentences/see the "real" yous. The only reason you would stay with your wife is to not upset your kids but they already know so what's the deal? Leave your wife and go be with your soul mate schmoopie. Your kids will never accept her so good thing you find her so charming. The cats out of the bag. Nothing you can do about it now.
> This entire question wasn't about how you could save your marriage. It was about how to you soften the blow to your kids, a blow you and your trollop dealt to them. You really want validation. You could care less about your marriage.
> It's a small wonder your marriage has been bad for years. You married to make YOU less lonely and in doing that you tossed all your lonliness on your wife, cheat on her and pull the rug out from under your family.


The reason this is still not crystal clear to me is because of the children... someone stated on here that eventually the begging that my wife is doing right now will turn to resentment and bitterness that scares me to think that in effort to try and go back to my wife so the kids can feel like they have a complete home with loving parents that she will eventually turn on me and make me feel like crap on a daily bases ! Only to run me away from her again.... I really wish my wife would just come to me and tell me to go and leave her be... But I know she is not that strong and will continue to depend on me...


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## rkelly1970 (Jan 4, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> Yeah, just let your wife go, guy. You'll still have access to your kids. She will suffer for awhile but eventually she will recover and be a better person for it. You don't deserve her love and fidelity. Period.
> 
> You can explain to your kids once they understand that it was better for the family in the long run for you to leave because you were only creating a bad environment and it would have been even worse if you stayed. Then treat your kids like "kings" the rest of your life and maybe they'll forgive you.
> 
> Seriously, staying with your wife would be far more cruel than if you left her at this point. Good luck with the fantasy afterward.


Thanks for reading and posting dude...


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

rkelly1970 said:


> The reason this is still not crystal clear to me is because of the children... someone stated on here that eventually the begging that my wife is doing right now will turn to resentment and bitterness that scares me to think that in effort to try and go back to my wife so the kids can feel like they have a complete home with loving parents that she will eventually turn on me and make me feel like crap on a daily bases ! Only to run me away from her again.... I really wish my wife would just come to me and tell me to go and leave her be... But I know she is not that strong and will continue to depend on me...


Oh boy. So, SO much wrong with what you just wrote. First off, she has EVERY right to make you feel like crap. You broke your marital vows, you lied, cheated and on not only your wife but your 3 children. Do you think she should just say "C'est la vie" and be over it? OF COURSE she is going to get angry. Your attitude is one of "poor me" I am the sacrificial lamb in all of this. My true love is out there but I cannot be with her and have my family intact. It's crap. Run you away from her? Just so I understand....you are suggesting that SHE is responsible for YOUR cheating? You cheated on a woman you never loved in the first place and yet she is the one to blame?! Now you wish your wife would tell you to go so what? You don't have to be the bad guy? 
Is there any part of your body that doesn't have coward tatooed on it?


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Stop being a coward, commit. You have already made your decision, stop trying to fool yourself. I could never advise you to seek a life with your mistress, on all fronts that would be advising more pain and anguish. But at least the majority of it will be yours and hers. The lessor of 2 evil's I suppose. 

C'mon, you have to know your decision has been made?, it was made long before you came here. I suspect you wanted to find a way to make the transition with the kids better. Sorry, no magic pill or solution there. Its going to be brutal. 

Just put your wife out of her misery. Divorce her. Stop dragging your feet. Just do it already. It was always going to end and begin this way. 

Accept that your children are not going to understand, they will not be "happy" for you and will never accept this other women as a part of their lives. 

This is your lot in life, these are your choices. They were made long ago, your only now beginning to harvest the fruits of those decisions. 

It is what it is. While we would love an update in a year, and another in 3 years but that will never happen. 

Stop being cruel and selfish. Say your goodbyes to that life, lace up your boots and leave. Your going for a long journey. There will be pain and suffering. Try to be a man about this and make as much of the pain as possible yours and your mistresses. Not those children and not the wife you abandoned long ago.

Stop hiding behind the "i love my kids" and I want to do whats right cape. Your not a hero, and you look rediculous trying to wear that outfit. Your not a good person. Read what you've said, look in the mirror. Your horribly cruel and selfish. 

You have been sowing the wind, your not going to escape the consequences. Your going to reap the whirlwind.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

stuckmick said:


> "Mother is the word for God on the lips and in the hearts of all children" ....


I love this. It's a nice quote.



Dexter Morgan said:


> You mean to give you more time to wax your weasel with the other woman.


LOL. I've never heard of the phrase "wax your weasel." Funny.



Therealbrighteyes said:


> Why is this even a question? * Leave your wife and go be with your soul mate schmoopie*.
> 
> This entire question wasn't about how you could save your marriage.
> 
> You really want validation. You could care less about your marriage.


Nail. Head. Oh and I :rofl: about the "soulmate schmoopie."


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

rkelly1970 said:


> The reason this is still not crystal clear to me is because of the children... someone stated on here that eventually the begging that my wife is doing right now will turn to resentment and bitterness that scares me to think that in effort to try and go back to my wife so the kids can feel like they have a complete home with loving parents that she will eventually turn on me and make me feel like crap on a daily bases ! Only to run me away from her again.... I really wish my wife would just come to me and tell me to go and leave her be... But I know she is not that strong and will continue to depend on me...



you are not the strong either,it seems like you want her to end it for you....


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

rkelly1970 said:


> *When the OW found that out she told me then leave me alone and go get your children because that is more important to you then I am ..*.. Was she wrong for telling me this and was it even more wrong of me for not leaving her and going to get my kids ????


She basically told you to decide between her and your children. 

 She sounds like a real winner.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*I really wish my wife would just come to me and tell me to go and leave her be... But I know she is not that strong and will continue to depend on me... *



strugglinghusband said:


> Are you are not the strong either,it seems like you want her to end it for you....


I agree. That is the ultimate pvssy way out: waiting for someone to end it for you. It's ice cold and cowardly. 

Yuck.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Nail. Head. Oh and I :rofl: about the "soulmate schmoopie."


Soulmate schmoopies typically ride around on pink unicorns, dine on gold dust, sleep on angel hair and live in Valhalla.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Holemates 4eva!


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Should be "sole" mates cause after a while, they'll be walkin' all over you too.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

rkelly1970 said:


> Thanks for reading and posting dude...


You're welcome. You need to let her go. She deserves someone that will actually love her, don't you agree? 'Cause that ain't you.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

rkelly1970 said:


> I have told my wife to give me time to sort it all out and that in the mean time let my children know that I still love them and that I will always love them.... they know that I am a good dad they just are angry that I am not a good husban to their mother... I'm having a difficult time seeing my life without the OW in it... and we are not in a honeymoon stage we have felt like this about eachother far to long to still think this is a honeymoon stage....


Your wife is a Christian and is probably following this "You have heard the law that says the punishment must match the injury: 'An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.' But I say, do not resist an evil person! If someone slaps you on the right cheek, offer the other cheek also. If you are sued in court and your shirt is taken from you, give your coat, too." (Matthew 5:38-40)" I feel so bad for her!

She is the one who is a dream because she has allowed you to have you selfish cruel dream life living with the love of your life while it is killing her and your kids. Moreover he is allowing you to siphon on off money that partly belongs to her and her children to pay for this woman. She allows you to blame her for inflicting the wound on her and her 3 kids. God bless her and I pray she finds peace. 

This post is one of the worst that I have read on this forum. Here is a man who could easily let his wife go so that she can heal but he decides to keep her around because it is inconvenient to throw her away at present. Here is an OW who can bear to watch another woman suffer and steal money from the woman and her kids and not implore her loving man to let his wife go. 

This woman is a dream?? Wait until she turns her cold heart onto you when she discovers that you will not be able to continue to give her the money and romance she enjoys now. 

The adultery is nothing compared to the aftermath. I hope you are not serious about being a Christian because that is an abomination, you are not even human. There is no compassion, no empathy and no love. Your title talks of love like a highschool boy but the content is filled with ruthless blind greed and evil. . 

You don't have love or friendship and can't love and neither can your dream OW. You are nothing more than a means to get out of her marriage and get some financial assistence till she gets on her feet. I think she is srewed enough to realize that you are too weak, deceptive, cruel and selfish to depend on. She will eventually replace you with someone who can give her a better deal. 

Why don't you start making amends now by letting your wife go. Settle upon her and your children what is theirs and then enjoy your life with your dreamy friend. 

But be watchful, she is the type of woman with as little compassion and empathy as you. She can take what is not hers, be deceptive, "loves" a man who cheats and persist in wounding his wife for years. A woman of quality would be disgusted by a man capable of stringing along his wife for years and stealing money from his kids to give to her. 

You are useful for the money now but dont ever turn off the spigot. I think you've probably seen glimmers of the real her but you are not yet ready to see. She will turn against you when you are not as useful as you are now or when she can make a better deal. 

Let your wife go, dig deep and find some self serving reason to divorce her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Your wife is a Christian and is probably following this "You have heard the law that says the punishment must match the injury: 'An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.' But I say, do not resist an evil person! If someone slaps you on the right cheek, offer the other cheek also. If you are sued in court and your shirt is taken from you, give your coat, too." (Matthew 5:38-40)" I feel so bad for her!
> 
> She is the one who is a dream because she has allowed you to have you selfish cruel dream life living with the love of your life while it is killing her and your kids. Moreover he is allowing you to siphon on off money that partly belongs to her and her children to pay for this woman. She allows you to blame her for inflicting the wound on her and her 3 kids. God bless her and I pray she finds peace.
> 
> ...


Amen, Catherine. Amen.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

rkelly1970 said:


> The reason this is still not crystal clear to me is because of the children... someone stated on here that eventually the begging that my wife is doing right now will turn to resentment and bitterness *that scares me to think that in effort to try and go back to my wife so the kids can feel like they have a complete home with loving parents that she will eventually turn on me and make me feel like crap on a daily bases* ! Only to run me away from her again.... I really wish my wife would just come to me and tell me to go and leave her be... But I know she is not that strong and will continue to depend on me...


Wow, how far will you keep going to put all the blame of the choice you made to abandon your family years ago onto the unfortunate woman who chose to commit her life to you, and whom you have been [email protected] on for years.

Your marriage is over, please don't think that the right thing means trying to force yourself to go back to your marital home and try to create a complete home with two loving parents for your children, it will only make a miserable place with one parent who despises being there and the other in a constant and rational fear of being abandoned and rejected.

It honestly has sounded to me that you have created this thread to setup a strawman (ie cowardly) arguement to have us justify your decision to abandon your family. We are not gullible we plainly see you are checked out (and for such poor and fantastical reasons), and any attempt you have to maintain the neglectful way you treat your W is only causing her deeper and deeper hurt.

If you are not going to divorce her then please send your W to this forum so we can help her through the process of decoupling from you.

(I hate to write such words, I am so much for making a marriage work, even after infidelity, but it really takes two and clearly you do not want it)


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## OOE (Mar 17, 2011)

rkelly,

Wow. You probably won't post again, and that's understandable.

I didn't understand the whole situation when I first posted. I'm probably not alone in that.

The responses you're getting are understandable from people who are "coping with infidelity." I guess the truth is that you're trying to find a way to cope with it, too.

Given the WHOLE story, you should file for divorce. Yesterday. Actually, months ago.

Yes, your relationship with your kids will never be the same. The word for that is "consequences."

Maybe things will continue to work out with your GF. If so, you'll be in the lucky 3%. Either way, welcome to your new life.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So if I understand things, you are only considering stringing your wife along more because hope to look like less of the selfish person you are in the eyes of the kids who right now are ashamed of you.

Set your wife fully free.stop using her like you have.

She deserves a man who will love her and you need to seek out karma.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vickyyy (Oct 28, 2011)

I dont think u r going to post here again or visit this forum but please invite your wife here before you leave so that she can share her side.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

rkelly1970 said:


> Do I continue this amazing relationship with the woman that I am in love with and I know she will take care of me like no other for the rest of my life ? Or do I go back to my family and try to work things out like they are asking me to ? I will say that my children mean the world to me and in my heart I know that i can't live without the children...
> 
> Any thoughts advice or inputs would be greatly appreciated


Wait until you're living with her 24/7, you won't be a king anymore...

And then you'll think of your wife and kids at that point, gonna suck to be you if you do move on.

But you never know, it could work out for the better, btw she has her 2 kids, how do they feel about you? How will you deal with them and your kids?

If you buy and show more attention to your kids, she gets pissed (the OW), if you show more attention to her kids than yours then YOU should have have had kids at all and don't deserve your children's love at all either.

Child support, alimony, how will the OW feel about 1/2 of your paycheck and assets going to your wife instead of her?

Think with your big head and not the little head IMO.


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## rkelly1970 (Jan 4, 2012)

WOW ok, I accept all the harsh words written toward me here I deserve nothing but hatred and pain... Same as I have caused those that love me... Truth is I am a COWARD and not able to end it I have not been able to end it for a long time... I'm a sick and evil man and I never thought that I would call myself that... 

I mean this when I say this to all of you ... THANK YOU for taking the time to read and post... I came on here to try and get some advice and some help... instead I got the truth and that is what I needed to hear....


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

This post made me ill.

Have you no shame? Divorce your wife and go be with you "best friend" and lover. You didn't care about your kid's feelings at the time of the affair, why care now? The damage is done.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

rkelly1970 said:


> WOW ok, I accept all the harsh words written toward me here I deserve nothing but hatred and pain... Same as I have caused those that love me... Truth is I am a COWARD and not able to end it I have not been able to end it for a long time... I'm a sick and evil man and I never thought that I would call myself that...
> 
> I mean this when I say this to all of you ... THANK YOU for taking the time to read and post... I came on here to try and get some advice and some help... instead I got the truth and that is what I needed to hear....


The fact remains you won't do anything about it. Saying you are one thing and finding ways to change that are two different things. You never loved your wife, you think this trick is amazing and the two of you want to waltz in to the sunset believing you did little damage and HOW you propose to do that is have your wife do all the lifting. 
Karma.....it's what's for dinner. 5 years from now, hussy hips will be walzing in to the sunset with some other sap and you will know what your ex felt. Heads up, it's gut wrenching fall on the floor earth shattering pain. Pain you willingly inflicted on your wife AND children.


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## stuckmick (Dec 10, 2011)

rkelly1970 said:


> The reason this is still not crystal clear to me is because of the children... someone stated on here that eventually the begging that my wife is doing right now will turn to resentment and bitterness that scares me to think that in effort to try and go back to my wife so the kids can feel like they have a complete home with loving parents that she will eventually turn on me and make me feel like crap on a daily bases ! Only to run me away from her again.... I really wish my wife would just come to me and tell me to go and leave her be... But I know she is not that strong and will continue to depend on me...


I said your wife's begging will turn to anger and resentment. LISTEN to yourself. Your afraid of being made to "feel like crap" everyday? DUDE...YOU DESERVE IT. You dont want to go home because you don't want to face the consequences? Your wife is ENTITLED to righteous anger. You are robbing her of that. She has every right to f*cking go off on you. 
Youd better face this right now...your children will never accept your "soul mate"...they will always see her as someone who hurt their mother....oh you will get your visitation....awkward holidays where they dont really want you around and damn sure dont want her around ...until they grow into adulthood, then you lose them forever....


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

I love that he's waiting for HER to end the relationship. I guess he's not the bad guy or homewrecker then, right?

OP, if you're SO BLOODY MISERABLE, and your mistress is SO GREAT, then end the goddamned relationship and let your wife go- she deserves so much better.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

I feel so sorry for your wife. For her to be begging you to come home after you've spent a year living the life of a single man... giving your time, money, and love to another woman... is so incredibly sad. She really does deserve better. This is the mother of your children and you've treated her like unwelcome baggage. Something you toss in your closet and forget about until needed for a short duration.

Your wife is dependent on you, but have you done anything to help her become more independent? Have you helped her branch out and become more secure by finding a job, college coursework, or support groups? She will need these things in her life once she finally realizes she deserves more, but she's convinced herself she's not worthy somehow. She knows she's being treated like yesterday's garbage and yet she allows it.

Let her go. Give her everything she needs financially to adjust and to get therapy to help her become stronger and realize you are unhealthy for her emotionally and mentally.

I'm the BS and you make my husband's infidelity look like he spent a day in the park with another woman. The total heartbreak and lack of self-worth your wife must feel right now astounds me. How you or your "wonderful" OW have been capable of living such a duplicitous life (not just the 2 year affair, but behaving like a married couple for the past year) makes me wonder if you have any concern about anything other than yourself. You didn't care about how this affected your children, until you realized they might not want to see you anymore or have no respect for you. It's still all about you!

I think you should see a therapist, then maybe they can help you sort out what kind of person you want to be in this life.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

rkelly1970 said:


> WOW ok, I accept all the harsh words written toward me here I deserve nothing but hatred and pain... Same as I have caused those that love me... Truth is I am a COWARD and not able to end it I have not been able to end it for a long time... I'm a sick and evil man and I never thought that I would call myself that...
> 
> I mean this when I say this to all of you ... THANK YOU for taking the time to read and post... I came on here to try and get some advice and some help... instead I got the truth and that is what I needed to hear....


Wait you got the meaning of these post terribly wrong. 

Yes, you realize the damage of your actions but no one can hate you. We are all too imperfect for that but we do want you to wake up. This one large verbal slap that you really need. 

These words are difficult to read but they are an indication that we claim you as one of us and want you to do the right thing. You know your Bible right, remember this passage "let he who is without sin throw the first stone" You are acting badly but you can change that around on a dime.

Nothing is gained by descending into a pit. If you do as advised, you will again hold your head up. You will feel good because you did the hard thing, you let your family go with love. 

You can work off the guilt by making sure to be a good father and provider for your children. Get them help, put them first and make it clear to your wife that you regret what you did and it was not her. 

Have a vision of the man you want to be and then be him starting today. Be a man of honor and integrity who provides leadership to his kids, and compassion and respect to their mother. 

Surround yourself with good men. Right now, high quality men would probably view you with contempt. Not because of the affair or not loving your wife but for the way you are treating them. 

You have too much damage control to do, no time to wallow in self pity. If you abandon yourself how will you ever help your family and gain your redemption?? Blessings to you and your family.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I'd like to say one other thing. My father cheated on my mother from 2 yrs into their marriage until the day he died. My mother did not have skills to work and she had even less confidence. She sacrificed for her 4 kids and staid. 

Witnessing my mother's pain, her acceptance and almost trancelike resignation to her fate scared me and my siblings. I grew up with the knowledge that my father did not love us enough to pay attention to us. 

He paid a great deal of attention to the OW and her children. I was certain that it was my fault. If I were just a better more lovable child he would love me.

My mother, brothers and sister were left to drift. I had a horrible childhood. I had a mother who was marginally functional at times and an emotionally and many times physically absent father. 

We brought ourselves up. I didn't know what it was like to have stable loving and attentive parents. I had to learn so that i could parent.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

Dexter Morgan said:


> Boom, there you have it right there. Do her a favor and set her free from you. She has been emotionally abused by you and isn't thinking clearly. She doesn't know what is best for her, because if she did, and she knew the truth, she would realize that you are absolutely no good for her.
> 
> But she is blinded by the grief of being cheated on. Tell her what you just said above, and tell her you are moving out and filing for divorce. If she knew you used her and married her simply to relieve your loneliness, then maybe she'll snap out of this hysterical bonding faze and kick you out.
> 
> Or maybe she won't because she still hasn't got a clue what is best for her. Because correct me if I'm, wrong, once your kids are grown and out of the house, you'll end up leaving her anyway.


Wow bad advice. he is still too foggy to know what is actually going on, he is the one who is blind. His wife needs all the information he is sitting on while he continues to eat cake,so he needs to stop lying to her ASAP( isn't it amazing how some churchy people can lie like a rug?) He needs to stop all contact with the spider woman until his head can be extracted from said a**. He made vows to his wife,not to spider woman, and if his wife wants this silly man she should not be abandoned, at least til head comes out of a$$ via MC, or she kicks him to the curb. If he wants his kids in his life he needs to start acting like someone who cares more about them then he does about his private parts( not so private in his case).


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Catherine, Thank you for sharing your wisdom. It's an honor reading, your perspective is a measuring stick.


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## rkelly1970 (Jan 4, 2012)

oaksthorne said:


> Wow bad advice. he is still too foggy to know what is actually going on, he is the one who is blind. His wife needs all the information he is sitting on while he continues to eat cake,so he needs to stop lying to her ASAP


 ... I have tried to let my wife go by telling her she deserves better and still she tells me i'm the one she is destin to be with she doesn't want anyone else... She tells me she will not lose to the OW and that we can recover from this that it will only make us stronger as a couple... 

[/QUOTE]
He needs to stop all contact with the spider woman until his head can be extracted from said a**. He made vows to his wife,not to spider woman, and if his wife wants this silly man she should not be abandoned, at least til head comes out of a$$ via MC, or she kicks him to the curb. If he wants his kids in his life he needs to start acting like someone who cares more about them then he does about his private parts( not so private in his case).[/QUOTE]

Tried to end things with the OW last night and it didn't go well becasue she has pointed out that I am a weak man and that I will be back cheating on my wife becasue I do not love here and that what we have is not just an affair but a true love relationship... the OW will let me go if that is what I want but I would be losing the one thing that has made me happy for the last 2 years...

Again great advice thank you for reading and posting


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Two things:



rkelly1970 said:


> ... *I have tried to let my wife go *by telling her she deserves better and still she tells me i'm the one she is destin to be with she doesn't want anyone else... She tells me she will not lose to the OW and that we can recover from this that it will only make us stronger as a couple...


1. You havent "tried" to let your wife go. When someone wants to END things they say "I want a divorce. This doesn't work for me anymore." That is truly letting someone go to release them. You keep telling her "you deserve better" but you do nothing to actually man up and say "I want out." And a person who really wanted any sort of credibility in the face of all this bullsh!t after lying, carrying on an affair for nearly 3 years and living with the OW and taking his family's money to give to the OW would be straight up and say "Wife, I know I did you wrong. I know you hate me and can fully understand why. I f-cked up. The problem is with me, not you. I haven't been honest with you and for that I apologize. I do not want to be married anymore, I want a divorce. I have been living with the OW for X amount of time and the affair has gone on for 3 years now."

Tell her the TRUTH. It's the LEAST you can do after selling her a life of lies. Be upfront. 



rkelly1970 said:


> ... *Tried to end things with the OW l*ast night and it didn't go well becasue *she has pointed out that I am a weak man and that I will be back cheating on my wife becasue I do not love here and that what we have is not just an affair but a true love relatio*nship... the OW will let me go if that is what I want but I would be losing the one thing that has made me happy for the last 2 years...
> 
> Again great advice thank you for reading and posting


2. Again, you didn't "try." You just said a bunch of words to OW w/ no action to back it up, which is why she called you "weak." Cause you are. You want to sit in the middle on a fence and make everyone make decisions for you. Trying isn't DOING. 

The second bolded part--the OW is a piece of work. She's trying to guilt you into staying with her. "I will let you go BUT...." Manipulative and condescending and just full of tripe.

Sigh. What a tangled web we weave.

Both of these women are nuts. They should both dump you. No offense.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I feel sorry for you wife. I doubt that you will work on your marriage so why stay?

You and the OW deserve each other.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

The OW hasn't made you happy. It was the surge of hormones and the feeling that you're doing something 'crazy'.

The OW will leave you...because you'll want to be her full time bf and she obviously likes other women's husbands. I bet she leaves you not long after you leave your wife (if you so choose).

Your wife should know that you are done. I don't give a crap about the "fog". That's not your wife's problem.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Another thing about the OW--she's calling you weak (and she's right) but...she has already started to resent you. 1. in making you choose between your kids and her...remember she told you that she felt you didn't care about her if you chose them over her (another disgusting manipulation) and 2. she's callin you weak and saying you'll cheat on your wife again which means two things (first, if she calls you weak it means she has lost respect for you--and when a woman starts to lose respect for a man, the love supply starts to fade--women do not love men they don't respect--in fact they make them CRINGE and secondly, her saying you will cheat again means she doesn't trust you. And you knwo how trust is for relationships--it's practically everything. 

So ... yeah... take that into consideration.

Do you see how ridiculous it is that after almost 3 years of an affair and living with OW and stringing your wife along, lying to her face and your kids--do you see how ridiculous it is that you say you need "time" and space to think things through? THREE YEARS. Fvck. That is a long time. Three years and you are still unsure and playing with all these peoples' lives all cause you can't be a man and make a fcking decision. 

Sheesh.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

lol. They should both leave him.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I know, right? It's nuts they have both been dealing with this mess for 3 years. Seriously, they all 3 have very low self-esteem and the two women have no respect for themselves. The OW is the worse of the two though...because, obviously. Ew.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

This is like watching a train wreck in slow motion. All caused by a weak man and a woman with no morals.

- The wife will be depressed and lonely.
- Their children no longer have two parents all the time, they are forced to go back and forth between the two.
- The OW doesn't respect the OP and will soon fall out of love and sleep with another married man.
- The OP is going to either go back to his wife that he doesn't love and will cheat on her.
- OR the OP is going to stay with the OW who will either cheat on him or he will cheat on her.

I don't see anyway of this ending in anything other than disaster. The wife is feeling the disaster now. The OP is feeling the pain of losing his family and it is only a matter of time before he loses his relationship with OW.

This is what happens to people that lack the fortitude to commit to a relationship. Marriage takes work. You might not always feel loved. You might not always feel like loving your spouse. But it is a choice. People with character chose to love their spouse. They chose to work on their marriage. In the beginning love is a feeling. After a few years it becomes a choice.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

In some ways I agree with Oaksthorne that the decision to end the marriage should be up to rkelly's wife. I was under the impression that she already knew the full truth and extent of the affair, but is still saying she forgives him even though he shows no remorse for his behavior. If this is the case, the chances of R are so slim because rkelly does not see R as a gift but as a chore. Even his AP calls him weak and she's supposed to think of him as her King. Will he ever come out of the fog and be the H his wife deserves? Doubtful since in his eyes his wife will love him unconditionally and stand by him no matter what. Plus, if she ever finally gets pissed over his affair he already stated he doesn't want to deal with it and made to feel bad about his affair.

I think it interesting the OW pointed out rkelly is weak. She will never forget that you are a weak man. If you end up with the ow, she will throw this in your face someday. If the bloom falls off the rose and life gets difficult with the ow, which it will eventually, she will remember how you handlled tough times in the past. She may become insecure, jealous, or anxious about your ability to stay committed. She may have an exit affair thinking, "I better do it before he does.". The aftermath of your choices now, will affect you long term no matter what path you choose. I still think your priority should be to work on yourself and get therapy. Figure out why you are weak. Why you got married only to stave of loneliness (which I still think is bull). You sound like a hot mess and think it's other people's job to make you happy. If the ow was your only source of happiness in the past 2 years, then you have no clue how to make yourself happy. You sound like an angst ridden teenager making such sweeping overgeneralizations of extremes. 

If you can't find happiness by yourself without depending on others to make you happy, then you will never find it. You call your wife dependent... take a look in the mirror. Could you be happy all alone? Without the ow or your wife? You better hope you can, because someday it might not be your decision anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rkelly1970 (Jan 4, 2012)

You know through all of this BS and mess that i have caused for everyone all I keep going back to is my children and what they want to see me do.... Forget me and what's right or wrong for me to do... Forget the OW she already thinks I'm weak and not willing to fight for her... I am willing to give it all up and I want to give it all up for my kids they are the only ones that matter in all of this to me.... Set up a meeting to meet with my pastor tomorrow and let him hear all that has gone on in the last 2 years... I know I have a problem and I know that I'm a weak man but it's only because my whole life I have been program to make everyone happy at the cost of lying and living this double life I'm tired of it it's making me sick and it's killing my wife and children... They are hurt and angry and even through all that they have told me they still love me... 

My gawd there is so much help that I need here .... 

It seems that no matter what decesion I make here it won't be the right one....

Going back to my wife and not trying but actually making it work trhough counceling and theraphy seems to be the logical thing to do the morally right thing to do eventually the kids will see that i'm truly sorry for what I did....

On the other hand staying with the OW that has me on cloud 9 all the time I mean from sun up to sun i know that the relationship that we have did not start in the most convinient way but I know that it is special in the sense that we just get eachother. A side from all the lying that we have done and the hiding that we have had to keep our relationship going the feeling we have for eachother when we are together is nothing less than magical... For those that have been in love before know what I mean .... 

But even as magical as that feeling is i'm not willing to see my kids continue to suffer in this pain....

I've said it before and I'll say it again I need help becasue I am weak and just can't bring myself to know what the right decision is....


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

There's no magic thing you can do that fixes everything so you get to have your cake and eat it, too. That seems to be what you're waiting for. IT AIN'T HAPPENING.

Your relationship with your mistress is a fantasy*. Your relationship with your wife is a farce. 

You keeping pining away for your fantasy whilst talking about how you need to be there for your kids. Your priorities are out of whack.

Be a man, for your kids' sake.

*And the bloom is about to fall off of that particular rose, if it hasn't already


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> *I really wish my wife would just come to me and tell me to go and leave her be... But I know she is not that strong and will continue to depend on me... *
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Yes, and also when the cheater waits for their abused spouse to be the one to end it, that is another way of saving face with their kids. They don't want to be seen as the bad guy.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Just being honest here and not trying to insult you rkelly.

The best thing for you to do at this point is:

1) let your wife go gently. 
2) take a long break from the OW to deal with your problems.

When people end marriages for another love interest, it ends in disaster 97% of the time. I think if you ended your marriage, dealt with those ramifications WITHOUT the "cloud 9" drug of your OW, you can regroup and regain some sort of character for yourself. Be your own man for awhile. Understand and deal with your morality. See a counselor. 

Then, maybe 6 months later, you can decide with a clear head if the relationship with the OW was real enough to go back to her. This time to get clarity is the only way you won't end up in misery at the end of all of this. If you leave your wife and go right to the OW it will end badly I'm telling you.

The OW sounds very selfish - she will pull you away from your kids slowly but surely until she has complete control over you. And you will have lost them. But if you break away and be your own guy without another woman for awhile, your kids will have a better chance of respecting you. If you go right to another woman they will hate her and the OW will hate them. Can you really live with that, being constantly torn between your kids and new woman? That is what will happen in this case.

So you may read all that and say, "well, I should stay with my wife then." No. Your marriage is dead. You have killed it. It would be completely unfair for you to stay with her just for the kids, as you don't LOVE her. You admitted this. It's cruel to stay married to her then.

Look, the most important thing to you (as you've said) is your kids. Not the OW, not your wife. What's best for them is to leave this poisoned dead marriage but not for the OW.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

oaksthorne said:


> Wow bad advice.


What? Telling her the truth? Didn't know honesty was a bad policy:scratchhead:




> he is still too foggy to know what is actually going on, he is the one who is blind.


He has spent more than a year living like a single man. Fog lifts off the road quicker than that. And if this is true, how many more years would his wife have to put up with this crap until he is out of a fog?

I don't think he is in a fog at all. He knows exactly what he wants. Have you not been reading? He never loved his wife, married her just so he wouldn't be lonely. He said it himself.




> His wife needs all the information he is sitting on while he continues to eat cake,so he needs to stop lying to her ASAP



Uh, thats basically what I am saying, to which you said bad advice




> He needs to stop all contact with the spider woman until his head can be extracted from said a**.



That still doesn't change the fact that he never loved his wife from the very beginning.




> He made vows to his wife,not to spider woman, and if his wife wants this silly man she should not be abandoned


I can tell you EXACTLY what is going to happen if he doesn't set her free now. He will lead his wife on, and once his kids are grown, he will leave her. Thereby wasting all those years of her life that she won't be able to get back.

Again, he didn't love her from the beginning, said so himself, and if anyone doesn't think he will be gone after his kids are grown anyway, they are fooling themselves.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

rkelly1970 said:


> ... I have tried to let my wife go by telling her she deserves better and still she tells me i'm the one she is destin to be with she doesn't want anyone else... She tells me she will not lose to the OW and that we can recover from this that it will only make us stronger as a couple...


No, you are wanting her to make the decision for you because you are a coward.

You already said you never loved her and only married her because you were afraid of being lonely. So you just go ahead and stay with her and leave her after you have wasted about 10 more years of her life.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

> it's killing my wife and children... They are hurt and angry and even through all that they have told me they still love me...
> 
> My gawd there is so much help that I need here ....


I just saw a tiny, tiny glimmer of hope in your words. You can maybe see that they love you because they are committed to you, they love you unconditionally as a family should. Hopefully you can realize then that your W offering the chance to R is the biggest gift you will ever be given (aside from the salvation of your soul).

There is a right decision, but its not an easy one. It is also not a choice of this (marriage) or that (your AP), it is a matter of knowing what you are willing to give in order to receive what life is capable of offering you. Before you can know which is the right decision you need to learn to LOVE YOURSELF. You are not weak because you are a bad person, you are weak because you have been dishonest for too long. You've created a tangled web.

Falling in love isn't magic, its physiological, it is how your mind rewards you for doing something you believe is right, but our mind can play some very convincing tricks. You are facing a huge uphill challenge trying to train your mind to give you pleasure (the magic of feeling in love) by putting yourself, your W and your family first. When you have a better grasp on this you have to decide if you really are up to the challenge because you have limited chances to get it right by your W. If you know in your heart that you can't make it work with your W then you really need to let her go. As for your children, nobody here doubts your love for them, it is not diminished by accepting that you can't love your W, they are two separate responsibilities...

As for OW, I think it is clear to everyone, including you, that it is a dead end relationship - the intense feelings you have for her have never flowed from her, it was always about you. You can have that with your spouse if that is what you want, but at some point you and your W both have to decide, honestly, if it is worth the effort - the principle isn't what is expected of you, it is what you want your life to be, and having the integrity to treat others the way God wants you to and the way you know, somewhere deep down in your shrouded mind, you should.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I know, right? It's nuts they have both been dealing with this mess for 3 years. Seriously, they all 3 have very low self-esteem and the two women have no respect for themselves. The OW is the worse of the two though...because, obviously. Ew.


2 years Jelly, just thought I'd remind you lol


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I'll tell you why your wife hasn't kicked your ass to the curb.....her religious beliefs. She feels that she needs to stay ino this horrible marriage because it's the right thing to do in God's eyes. or maybe I'm way off, who knows.

Bottom line, let her go, you make the decision to leave, you know full well that's what you want anyway. She needs to be happy, think of her for once.

Maybe this is the woman of your dreams, maybe it's just a fantasy, fact is, you can't have it both ways, one has to go.

Stop wavering.....man up and do the right thing for everyone....leave your wife, she deserves more.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

rkelly1970 said:


> Forget the OW she already thinks I'm weak and not willing to fight for her...


Funny. I bet your wife feels the same way. 



rkelly1970 said:


> I've said it before and I'll say it again I need help becasue I am weak and just *can't *bring myself to know what the right decision is....


Wrong. You CAN bring yourself to make a decision. You are just intentionally choosing not to. And it's so very fvcked up.



Unsure in Seattle said:


> Your relationship with your mistress is a fantasy*. Your relationship with your wife is a farce.


Word.



Dexter Morgan said:


> Yes, and also when the cheater waits for their abused spouse to be the one to end it, *that is another way of saving face with their kids*. They *don't want to be seen as the bad guy*.


Nah. The kids do see him as the bad guy. Promise.



working_together said:


> 2 years Jelly, just thought I'd remind you lol


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## i_feel_broken (Jul 5, 2010)

rkelly1970 said:


> On the other hand staying with the OW that has me on cloud 9 all the time I mean from sun up to sun i know that the relationship that we have did not start in the most convinient way but I know that it is special in the sense that we just get eachother. A side from all the lying that we have done and the hiding that we have had to keep our relationship going the feeling we have for eachother when we are together is nothing less than magical... For those that have been in love before know what I mean ....
> 
> But even as magical as that feeling is i'm not willing to see my kids continue to suffer in this pain....


Hi... I don't often visit/post but this quote compelled me too. My wife left me for good last year (may). Her affair was similar length to yours. The reasons she gave me for leaving and breaking our family up are identical to yours. She could have written the stuff you write. She told me that we had fallen out of love, that OM was her best friend and her soul mate and they had so much in common and he loved and respected her. She made me feel very inferior to him and made me feel like I had not treated her like i should of and that he did. That they got each other bla bla bla....

Fast forward a few months... she lives with him and I have my own place we share custody of our child 50/50. Guess what... she wants to come back, she loves me, she couldn't see it then but she was "sick". It's the same story over and over again with affairs. Once they are not dangerous/exciting anymore, once the affair turns into a normal relationship (but based on lies,deceit, hurt) you, like many before you, will realise what people mean here by "fantasy".

You have no idea of the hurt you have caused... but.... I still believe that my marriage and family could have been saved even after I found out everything and maybe yours can to. Want to know why I won't have her back now??? because for about a year my wife kept me in limbo... messed me around over and over again... committing to me but kept seeing OM etc. Igave her too many chances and although i am okayish now i fear it has taken a piece of my soul that i will never get back.

I'm not going to judge or slate you. All i will say is that the most important thing to do now is make a decision and stick to it 100%. Commit fully to your decision and do not falter.

If you choose your marriage and family never see or contact OW again, regard her as poison to the happiness of you, your wife and your children. SHe has hurt them all and they are the things most important to you!!??

If you choose to go then go, try and do your best for your children and let your wife go. ANd when you realise you messed up in a few months don't go crawling back to your wife as she deserves better and you should have to live with your decision


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

I think you should link your wife to this forum. She is the one who deserves the help. If someone can help her see that she deserves more than a cowardly weakling, you'll get your wish for her to call it off. Win-win.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I think you should tell your wife the entire truth about your affair, how long it has been going on and that you live with OW. 

And let her decide what she wants to do once she has all the facts.

It's only fair.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

You say that you are going to sacrifice for your children and stay with your wife. The fact is though you don't love her and never did. You married her to make yourself feel better and duped her in to thinking she was the one for you. You aren't sacrificing anything except your wife's happiness.
By going back to your family, you are also lying to your children having them believe that you are one big happy family again when nothing could be further from the truth. Why would you do this?
I don't see you as weak, I see you as highly manipulative and self serving. You need your kids to see you in a positive light and therefore are willing to manipulate their feelings to get this result. You will pretend to care about their mother when the fact remains you do not and never did but you will manipulate her in to thinking you are back when you know the truth. You are willing to waste her life so you can feel better about yourself. That isn't weak, that is being a master manipulator/puppet master. It is devious and evil and your family deserves a heck of a lot better than that.


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## rkelly1970 (Jan 4, 2012)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> You say that you are going to sacrifice for your children and stay with your wife. The fact is though you don't love her and never did. You married her to make yourself feel better and duped her in to thinking she was the one for you. You aren't sacrificing anything except your wife's happiness..


I may not have married her for the right reason (Loneliness) but there was a time when i did love her and we were in love it's not that I never did love her I mean we have been married for 18 years and have known eachother for over 21 years... There was something there I know there was... What I'm saying is that i feel out of love with her... I think that with the Lord at the center of our marriage/relationship and with MC that we can get that back. I had not given it all becasue I was poisin by the high of the OW - The more I realize this the more I want to go back.... It's not a matter of will she take me back it's a matter of me wanting to go back because i love my children and i know eventually I will love my wife again. I owe her a fair chance at our marriage without the OW.... 

JFTR W has already told me she will not let me go to another woman regardless of how long and how ugly things are. together we can she is even willing to move away if need be she knows that it was the poison of the OW that has caused this to come between us. She has also stated that she is aware that we are here not just because of my bad and poor choice but because she knows she has not been the wife that she should have been for many years... I don't know what is causing her to say all these things ... Even after I have told her over and over again that she deserves better that I am not good for her that I will do it again and again and that it will never work between us... Still she will not budge .... If this is not a sign that she trully loves regardless of my faults and my discusting affair my problem with infadelity I don't know what is....


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I think you can fall in love with your wife again once you get rid of the other woman.

Geesh.


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## Blindasabat (Nov 29, 2011)

wow reading all this "and I thought I had problems" rkelly is a good name becuase you are treating marriage like celebrities do as if they were disposable contact lenses.
my 02-- marraige is over your wife deserves better end it and give her primary pay support the whole nine yards
-- leave the Ow alone for next 3-6 months you need to take a break work on yourself and devote yourself to rebuilding your relationship with the kids take them to disney world
do what it takes to assure them you and their mother will be there for them . if you can get things right with them then you might be able to continue with OW I don't know I agree with the comments that wonder woman might not seem so wonderful down the road but if she is "all dat" then your relationship with her can survive a 3-6 month break right? I throw that out as a time to dedicate 
completely to the children everythought with them without them should be what you have done to them and how you can make it better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

rkelly1970 said:


> I may not have married her for the right reason (Loneliness) but there was a time when i did love her and we were in love it's not that I never did love her I mean we have been married for 18 years and have known eachother for over 21 years... There was something there I know there was... What I'm saying is that i feel out of love with her... I think that with the Lord at the center of our marriage/relationship and with MC that we can get that back. I had not given it all becasue I was poisin by the high of the OW - The more I realize this the more I want to go back.... It's not a matter of will she take me back it's a matter of me wanting to go back because i love my children and i know eventually I will love my wife again. I owe her a fair chance at our marriage without the OW....
> 
> JFTR W has already told me she will not let me go to another woman regardless of how long and how ugly things are. together we can she is even willing to move away if need be she knows that it was the poison of the OW that has caused this to come between us. She has also stated that she is aware that we are here not just because of my bad and poor choice but because she knows she has not been the wife that she should have been for many years... I don't know what is causing her to say all these things ... Even after I have told her over and over again that she deserves better that I am not good for her that I will do it again and again and that it will never work between us... Still she will not budge .... If this is not a sign that she trully loves regardless of my faults and my discusting affair my problem with infadelity I don't know what is....


Love waxes and wanes. After 18 years, it settles in to love not "in love". In love is the first 3 years of a relationship. True lasting relationships settle in to a different type of love. It isn't all butterflies and romance. It is mutual respect, deep appreciation, caring, wanting the best for the other, willing to protect the other, nurturing and love. You are judging your marriage based on the euphoria of another relationship. Well of course the other is going to seem more interesting! I mean come on. Wouldn't it be great if all relationships were that top of the roller coaster? That's not reality though. You see the person daily, nightly, all the time. You see their flaws, their faults and their wrongs. You also see their highs, their blessings and their love. What you chose to see is yours. 
Why are you telling your wife you will cheat on her again when she has given you the GIFT of loving you warts and all? Your wife is either a martyr or a saint. Honestly, I cannot fathom how she is so calm with all of this. You want her to sweep it all under the rug and not bring it up again and she is willing to do this. I would be in a full on rage. I mean tarp, shovel, plot picked out kind of rage. I think she wears a halo.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Dexter Morgan said:


> He never loved his wife, married her just so he wouldn't be lonely. He said it himself.
> 
> Again, he didn't love her from the beginning, said so himself.


With all due respect, Many people seem to be spending too much time listening to what he's saying.

He has been very deep in "the fog", besides that he also appears to suffer from extreme co-dependancy and "poor me syndrome"...

This is someone that has spent the last 2+ years rewriting everything in order to deal with his own cognitive dissonance and guilt. 

His behaviors have been driven by a need to satisfy his addiction, to cope with this everything has had to be rationalized, justified, denied and rewriten. This is someone that has rewired every thought process to deal with this. Listening to what he's saying, like listening to anyone fogged up is useless. It's one of the cardinal rules, don't listen to them or take anything they say to seriously. 

The timing of what is happening inside of him right now and why he's here are not a coincidence. 

*Studies clearly indicate* that someone in a affair fog or "in love" generally experience a decrease in the production of, and a *tolerance to the effects of dopamine *around *TWO YEARS.* 

My guess....

He's reaching the end of that cycle. The euphoria is fading, the effects of the high are no longer giving him the ability to cope with the guilt and push back the questions in his haunted conscience. 

In order to get his high... He will probably begin the abstain/binge behavior where he tries to leave/quit his drug only to go back when the withdrawl becomes unbearable... and like a drunk who sobers up for a week or two, when he goes back to his "drug" he will get a massive, knee buckling high... But that too will fade, very quickly... he will likely wash, rinse, repeat... this part of the cycle several times... 

This goes both ways, his mistress is also nearing the end of her "high"... Soon she will not be able to cope or "get high" anymore... ****** in the armor are very clear already... She will seek that high elsewhere.

This is coming crashing down, he is quickly on his way to rock bottom.... 

This is going to be a monumental fuxing mess. The horn on the karma bus is blaring.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

rkelly1970 said:


> What I'm saying is that i feel out of love with her...


Gee, could that be because you've been sleeping with another woman and eevn going as so far as to move out and live with her and share a life/bills/groceries with her? All while your wife sits at home with her life destroyed? It's hard to feel you "love" someone when you are LIVING with someone else. 

Oh my. This is one of the worst stories on TAM.



rkelly1970 said:


> JFTR W has already told me she will not let me go to another woman regardless of how long and how ugly things are. together we can she is even willing to move away if need be *she knows that it was the poison of the OW that has caused this to come between us*.


And I sincerely hope that you told her that YOU had a choice in the matter. That you chose to have an affair, that you have been doing this for two years, that you live with OW and have bills together.

My bet is you haven't told her any of that. 

So why not start now? 

It's soooo wrong for you to hold all the cards (i.e. knowing the full truth of the matter) and only tell her tidbits. 

TELL HER THE TRUTH!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> He's reaching the end of that cycle. The euphoria is fading, the effects of the high are no longer giving him the ability to cope with the guilt and push back the questions in his haunted conscience.
> 
> This goes both ways, his mistress is also nearing the end of her "high"... Soon she will not be able to cope or "get high" anymore... ****** in the armor are very clear already... She will seek that high elsewhere.
> 
> This is coming crashing down, he is quickly on his way to rock bottom....


:iagree:

The glitter is wearing off.


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## Blindasabat (Nov 29, 2011)

does someone have a stat for Rkelly on how often leaving for the
OW generally lasts?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Doesn't matter. He has already left for the OW. He lives with her already. In time, as with all things, he will find out.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> :iagree:
> 
> The glitter is wearing off.


OMG, Pit again with such sage wisdom.


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## rkelly1970 (Jan 4, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Gee, could that be because you've been sleeping with another woman and eevn going as so far as to move out and live with her and share a life/bills/groceries with her? All while your wife sits at home with her life destroyed? It's hard to feel you "love" someone when you are LIVING with someone else.


I have not been living with her i have my own place and she has hers when we do not have the kids we stay at eachothers place... 

[/QUOTE]
Oh my. This is one of the worst stories on TAM. [/QUOTE]

I was not coming here to win a contest... I came here for help and advice



[/QUOTE]
And I sincerely hope that you told her that YOU had a choice in the matter. That you chose to have an affair, that you have been doing this for two years, that you live with OW and have bills together. [/QUOTE]

I have told her that it was my choice and that I was the one the F-up and that this has nothing to do with anything she did wrong.... JFTR as far as the BILLS we do not share bills the only payment that we share is the rent to my apartment she helps me pay for it because I can't afford it on my own. I'm paying a $1700 mortgage to include ALL the bills my wife has only hting she is paying is groceries and gas I pay everything else in what used to be our home just thought you all should know the facts when it comes to the bills....[/QUOTE]


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## rkelly1970 (Jan 4, 2012)

Blindasabat said:


> does someone have a stat for Rkelly on how often leaving for the
> OW generally lasts?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I read it to be at 3%


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## lostlindsey (Jan 6, 2012)

the fact that u were capable of doing this for 2 years without coming clean or stopping altogether kinda says that maybe u don't care. r u looking for validation for what u did? don't think there is any of that. just leave ur poor wife and try and keep a relationship with the kids. and don't forget the buck doesn't stop here so get ready to start pinchin pennies. hope the OW doesn't mind that.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

rkelly1970 said:


> I was not coming here to win a contest... I came here for help and advice


Nobody said you came here to "win a contest." I was just saying that your story IS one of the worst I have ever read on TAM. And it is. 



rkelly1970 said:


> JFTR as far as the BILLS we do not share bills the only payment that we share is the rent to my apartment she helps me pay for it because I can't afford it on my own.


Gotcha. Yeah the OW will lose respect for you (if she hasn't already) once she comes out of her own fog and realizes she's helping you pay for an apartment on top of feeling you are a weak man who can't make a decision to save his life--stringing two women along (1 woman who is totally in the dark about all of this and the other who chose to play in such a great deception).

You said yourself you'd want to tell your wife that she deserves better and that you will do this over and over and over again to her so...what ar eyou waiting for? Just file for divorce and be done. Why are you stringing her along?

I really and truly don't get it.


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## Blindasabat (Nov 29, 2011)

rkelly1970 said:


> I read it to be at 3%


I thought my Rkelly-- treating marraige like a celebrity was more quote worthy ah... tough room
anyway so do you see yourself in the magical 3% or with the 97%?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

You aren't a hero because you pay the bills and the mortgage. You are legally REQUIRED to pay the mortgage and bills you have in joint. You decided to walk out and in doing so doesn't make it okay for you to stop paying for the debt you jointly own. 
I just wanted to clear that up in case you think you are somehow being noble in doing so. It's the law, not some knighthood worthy action.


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## rkelly1970 (Jan 4, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> You said yourself you'd want to tell your wife that she deserves better and that you will do this over and over and over again to her so...what ar eyou waiting for? Just file for divorce and be done. Why are you stringing her along?
> 
> :


I did tell her this over and over all day today I have told her she deserves better ... And till she says she is not leaving me and will not give me a divorce until we go to counseling and really give it our all!


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## rkelly1970 (Jan 4, 2012)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> You aren't a hero because you pay the bills and the mortgage. You are legally REQUIRED to pay the mortgage and bills you have in joint. You decided to walk out and in doing so doesn't make it okay for you to stop paying for the debt you jointly own.
> I just wanted to clear that up in case you think you are somehow being noble in doing so. It's the law, not some knighthood worthy action.


Was just clearing up the sharing the bill misunderstanding I am well aware of my duties as a man... nothing more...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So 11 pages into your thread...RKelly--have you decided what you are going to do? 

Because the "Do Nothing Plan" has not worked for you thus far. Nor will it in the future.

Are you going to tell your wife *The Truth?*

Don't you think that she at least deserves The Truth?

If you are so in love and so sure about this OW, why not just tell your wife The Truth? 

I really cannot fathom at all why you would not. Makes zero sense to me.


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## rkelly1970 (Jan 4, 2012)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Why are you telling your wife you will cheat on her again when she has given you the GIFT of loving you warts and all? Your wife is either a martyr or a saint. Honestly, I cannot fathom how she is so calm with all of this. You want her to sweep it all under the rug and not bring it up again and she is willing to do this. I would be in a full on rage. I mean tarp, shovel, plot picked out kind of rage. I think she wears a halo.


At first she was full blown rage and then when there were no more tears she began to find her halo again and began to forgive me she trully is a saint... She always has been...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

rkelly1970 said:


> I did tell her this over and over all day today I have told her she deserves better ... And till she says she is not leaving me and will not give me a divorce until we go to counseling and really give it our all!


You may not know this but most divorces are NOT mutual. Generally, there is one party who wants the divorce, and another who wants the marriage.

That is the sad reality and truth about divorce. 

You do *need* not your wife's permission to get a divorce. If you file, she cannot do anything about that. Just as you cannot do anything if she were to file against you. Whoever is on the receiving end of the divorce, has to concede, whether they want to or not. Should either party not sign the divorce decree, a judge will do it for them. It happens every single day.

That's not rocket science, baby.

So don't try to pull the whole "she won't let me" excuse... it's tired, it's cheap, and it's... just wrong. Just another way to prolong agony for all parties involved, while you get to pick and choose what it is that you want, all while you fail to tell your wife what has really been going on and for how long. 

This is truly the most selfish thing you can do to someone.

Awful.


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## rkelly1970 (Jan 4, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> So 11 pages into your thread...RKelly--have you decided what you are going to do?
> 
> Because the "Do Nothing Plan" has not worked for you thus far. Nor will it in the future.
> 
> Are you going to tell your wife The Truth?


We are meetng tonight to talk i told her i would be an open book and that she had free will to ask me anything and that I would be honest... If after she knows the entire TRUTH she still wanted to be with me then I would go and get help that I need first (theraphy) before thinking about coming back home....

the OW is furious that I would even consider going to my W now that is is all out in the open, she sees this as the oportunity to stop hiding her and tell the world about us and how I trully feel about her... I asked her to give me some time to get myself right and to figure out this mess to work on getting my kids back in my life.... To witch she stated if you asking me to take a break so you can figure out how much more lies you are going to ask me to cover for you then it is over i will not be coming back.....

I guess I at least owe all the readers and update when I finally end up where I belong.... Weather it's back with my wife or with the OW.... Or perhaps I just need to end up alone ....

Thanks Jelly and the rest !!!


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

It's still unclear, does your wife know the full truth and extent of your affair? That for the past year you've lived with the OW when you don't have the kids? That the OW has been helping to pay for your apartment? 

All I've seen you say so far is that you're telling your wife she deserves better and that you'll cheat again and again. She says she accepts this and nothing you say will make her stop fighting for you. Well, hearing specific examples of what you've been doing for the past 2-3 years may make her think twice about what she's offering. 

Right now it doesn't sound like your wife has mind movies yet, since it seems you haven't given her any specifics. With details, she may realize that one time when she was up all night with sick kids, you and the OW were snuggled in a cozy apartment enjoying alone time. Telling each other you're "soul mates" and every moment you spend together is "magical". Then making love on the living room floor because there's no kids to interrupt your cloud of love. She'll realize you coordinated the times you had kids with the OW, so you were sure to have your weeks at the same time. Your wife will feel maniupulated and used.

Your wife is most likely still in shock and panic mode, willing to say and do anything to keep from being abandoned. Given the FULL truth with all it's painful revelations and some time, she may no longer feel the same way. Look at you in this thread, you've gone from once loving your wife, to marrying her out of lonliness and never loved her, then back to loving her at one time again. You don't even know how you feel right now, can you imagine the roller coaster of emotions your wife must be feeling? 

One minute your wife may forgive you anything, the next she might be ready to kick your @$$ to the curb. But since she's still trying to get you to pick her over the OW, she isn't going to tell you about the curb option. Just like the OW probably isn't going to tell you she is already eyeballing her other options right now as far as single men. The OW is divorced helping to support a married man, she's thinking about her options too and that you are not the only one.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

rkelly1970 said:


> We are meetng tonight to talk i told her i would be an open book and that she had free will to ask me anything and that I would be honest... If after she knows the entire TRUTH she still wanted to be with me then I would go and get help that I need first (theraphy) before thinking about coming back home....
> 
> the OW is furious that I would even consider going to my W now that is is all out in the open, she sees this as the oportunity to stop hiding her and tell the world about us and how I trully feel about her... I asked her to give me some time to get myself right and to figure out this mess to work on getting my kids back in my life.... To witch she stated if you asking me to take a break so you can figure out how much more lies you are going to ask me to cover for you then it is over i will not be coming back.....
> 
> ...


Ahhhh, you posted while I was typing. Glad you plan on being fully honest, but don't just wait for her to ask questions. Lay it all out there for your wife and do NOT sugar coat. She needs to know everything. After tonight, she should be able to read this entire thread and not find out anything new after your conversation.


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## rkelly1970 (Jan 4, 2012)

Saffron said:


> Ahhhh, you posted while I was typing. Glad you plan on being fully honest, but don't just wait for her to ask questions. Lay it all out there for your wife and do NOT sugar coat. She needs to know everything. After tonight, she should be able to read this entire thread and not find out anything new after your conversation.


Noted !


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

rkelly1970 said:


> the OW is furious that I would even consider going to my W now that is is all out in the open, she sees this as the oportunity to stop hiding her and tell the world about us and how I trully feel about her... I asked her to give me some time to get myself right and to figure out this mess to work on getting my kids back in my life.... To witch she stated if you asking me to take a break so you can figure out how much more lies you are going to ask me to cover for you then it is over i will not be coming back.....


Look at what you just said and tell us again what a great person the OW is, Not! She has been after her married man (you) for a long time and does not care about what is best for you, your children or about wrong or right. She wants what she wants. She lacks decency.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

rkelly1970 said:


> We are meetng tonight to talk* i told her i would be an open book and that she had free will to ask me anything and that I would be honest*... If after she knows the entire TRUTH she still wanted to be with me then I would go and get help that I need first (theraphy) before thinking about coming back home....


Two things:
1. Don't WAIT for your wife to ask you questions. Lay it all out in the open. Of course, if she asks you ?s, then answer for sure, but don't just wait. Because a lot of people say "Well he/she didn't ask me THAT question specifically so I didn't feel the need to tell them." A lie by omission is still a big fat lie. 

Be totally honest with her. Tell her how long the affair has been going on, that you and the OW live together when the kids aren't around and that you are very confused as what to do. BE HONEST. Sometimes we think the TRUTH will not help someone out but believe me, people are so much more resilient than you could EVER fathom. 

So be honest. You owe her that!

2. Therapy doesn't mean d!ck if you are unwilling to make a decision, roll up your sleeves, and do the dirty work. But I do think IC is a very good idea for you. Also, MC is a great idea if you plan to get back with your wife (but OW has to be completely gone from your life before you should even go to MC). 



rkelly1970 said:


> *the OW is furious that I would even consider going to my W* now that is is *all out in the open,* she sees this as *the oportunity to stop hiding *her and tell the world about us and how I trully feel about her... I asked her to give me some time to get myself right and to figure out this mess to work on getting my kids back in my life.... To witch she stated if you asking me to take a break so you can figure out *how much more lies you are going to ask me to cover for you* then it is over i will not be coming back.....
> !!!



The glass has started to crack, dear. The OW does not trust you at all. You have said at least 3 or 4 different things that show she resents you. Resentment happens, then respect goes. And like I told you before, once a woman loses respect for a man, it's all over. She is rightthere if she hasn't crossed that line already. I don't think men fully understand just HOW MUCH respect is tied into how a woman will love a man. It's paramount. The air is being let out of the balloon for the OW. Sometimes it happens slowly, sometimes it happens fast. But when it does, it's really hard to get respect back for someone once you lose it. She doesn't trust you--and with good reason. She can't trust you word cause you never back it up with actions. Oh and like Saffron pointed out, OW is freshly divorced. She is prob kicking herself in the a$$ for not having waited between her marriage and a new relationship. She is starting to see what a crappy decision she made once she decided to have an affair with you. 



rkelly1970 said:


> I guess I at least owe all the readers and update when I finally end up where I belong.... Weather it's back with my wife or with the OW.... Or perhaps I just need to end up alone ....
> 
> Thanks Jelly and the rest !!!


Yes! Please do. We love hearing how stories played out. Please don't think we are being mean or harsh to you. We are trying to make you see things from a logical and practical standpoint. When someone is in an affair, they can't see the forest through the trees. At all.



Saffron said:


> It's still unclear, does your wife know the full truth and extent of your affair? That for the past year you've lived with the OW when you don't have the kids? That the OW has been helping to pay for your apartment?
> 
> All I've seen you say so far is that you're telling your wife she deserves better and that you'll cheat again and again. She says she accepts this and nothing you say will make her stop fighting for you. Well, hearing specific examples of what you've been doing for the past 2-3 years may make her think twice about what she's offering.
> 
> ...



:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Great post, Saffron. Spot on.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

TRy said:


> Look at what you just said and tell us again what a great person the OW is, *Not!*


:rofl: I haven't heard someone use the NOT! joke/phrase in awhile. Love.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Your [email protected] deserves nothing. Period. She KNEW what she was getting in to and now she is pissed off beyond belief that you might have doubts about abandoning your wife and children for her. Do you REALLY think this window licker is the woman for you? Do you know what a window licker is? It is a person who sees what is going on inside the home and wants in. She will do everything to offseat your wife in order to get that position. SHE wants to take over your family and is using guilt and intimidation to sway you. If she could get away with murdering your wife.....she would. Is it because she "loves" you so much? No, it's because women like her don't like to lose. They are psychos and sociopaths and they only care about themselves. 
Think about it....she is even jealous of your children and your time with them!!!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Do you REALLY think this window licker is the woman for you? Do you know what a window licker is? It is a person who sees what is going on inside the home and wants in.


:rofl: You guys are cracking me up today.

And you're right.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

Do you know what? You're right! Your wife deserves better. 

Your 'window licking' OW deserves you instead. 

Two selfish people wrapped up in their own wants.

Your kids deserve a better life too. 

Cheating is not only harmful to a spouse but it is a personal injury to your kids too.

Either you are in the marriage or out. It seems you checked out a while ago. 

You should decide if you want in. Your wife is letting you in. 

A cheater should feel grateful in such circumstances but am not reading that from your posts.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

This is more smoke and mirrors. You had no problem making the bold step to abandon your kids, your home and your wife, no problem getting an apartment, no problem deceiving and lying to your wife for years, no problem hurting your kids for years. 

So, you have no problems being decisive when it suits you. Just admit it to yourself that divorce does not suit your self interest now. 

Please don't trot out this new fabrication to your pastor and your wife, you are pilling up deception upon deception. 

The feedback was so stark that you maybe you briefly saw what you really are? But now you have regrouped and trotted out this new gig. 

"My wife wants me to abuse her and the kids so it is her fault I am lying and cheating and keeping them in purgatory in perpetuity." Come on really? 

Now you are presenting yourself as a man being torn by emotions -stuck between his longing for his one true love and the steadfastness of the love of a good honest woman. That persona would need to have an ability to feel for others. 

You seem not to have exercised the full range of human emotions for some time, if ever. Your self interest has tuned your ability to feel compassion which is fluid, sweet and effusive into a hard heavy thing that hangs about your neck in a chokehold. 

Be honest with yourself - you have been ruled by a blinding self interest or you would not have been able to orchestrate this tragic situation for years. 

It's still a dirty shame. Dressing this pig in a couture gown can't hide that.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

TRBE - I thought you meant a dog. My dog licks the window in the car. uppy:


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

rkelly1970 said:


> ... I have tried to let my wife go by telling her she deserves better and still she tells me i'm the one she is destin to be with she doesn't want anyone else... She tells me she will not lose to the OW and that we can recover from this that it will only make us stronger as a couple...


He needs to stop all contact with the spider woman until his head can be extracted from said a**. He made vows to his wife,not to spider woman, and if his wife wants this silly man she should not be abandoned, at least til head comes out of a$$ via MC, or she kicks him to the curb. If he wants his kids in his life he needs to start acting like someone who cares more about them then he does about his private parts( not so private in his case).[/QUOTE]

Tried to end things with the OW last night and it didn't go well becasue she has pointed out that I am a weak man and that I will be back cheating on my wife becasue I do not love here and that what we have is not just an affair but a true love relationship... the OW will let me go if that is what I want but I would be losing the one thing that has made me happy for the last 2 years...

Again great advice thank you for reading and posting[/QUOTE]

When I said that you have your head up your a$$, think that I might have been wrong. It appears that you have your head up you mistresses' A$$. It is an affair, in every sense of the word. This person who can intrude without conscience into another woman's family, does not understand the concept of real love. When the excitement of the competition with your wife has run it course she will dump you( unless you have a bundle, in which case she will you find another **** partner), but by then your real wife will have probably moved on, and your children will be unable to ever respect you again. The OW should have no say in this, she is an unscrupulous person who is out only for her self. You are a trophy in her campaign to prove that she can get you away from your wife. She has not made you " happy" you have, by living in LA La land, that is how the fog works. The fact that you can choose a relationship with a dishonest home wrecker is proof that your value system is distorted beyond reason. Frankly I am also beginning to believe that you do not deserve the woman who is your wife. You have failed to honor your marriage vows and fornicated with a selfish piece of sh** like your AP. As I said before, wonderful people don't destroy innocent people on the alter of their selfishness. Tell your wife about this site, she is the one who needs advice about how to rid herself of you and your toxic baggage.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

TRy said:


> Look at what you just said and tell us again what a great person the OW is, Not! She has been after her married man (you) for a long time and does not care about what is best for you, your children or about wrong or right. She wants what she wants. She lacks decency.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

What a piece of work this woman is.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

rkelly1970 said:


> Was just clearing up the sharing the bill misunderstanding I am well aware of my duties as a man... nothing more...


I have never seen anyone less " aware of my duties as a 'man'".:


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## rkelly1970 (Jan 4, 2012)

Update:

Told wife the truth about the affair and how long it had been going on.. She still took me back but did not believe that I had been telling her the whole story so she took it upon herself to call and arrange to meet with the OW - Who in turned told her more than what she really wanted to know including the living arrangement and the numerous vacations we took... Wife still took me back and so now I am living back at home and just taking it one day at a time not the easies of atmosphere at home but at least I get to play and see my children daily... 

I have cut all communication from the OW (changed cell number) 
She understood and respected my decision to go back to my family and do what is morally right - But knows in her heart that I will never have what I had with her... She stated she will wait for the day that I come crawling back to her where she knows my heart really lies.... 


More to follow....


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Good for you for coming clean, RKelly. 

What happened to the apartment you were keeping?


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## Blindasabat (Nov 29, 2011)

rkelly1970 said:


> Update:
> 
> 
> I have cut all communication from the OW (changed cell number)
> ...


translation you are doing the right thing for the wrong reasons your wife isn't a saint
she is a martyr she is taking Christian suffering to a new level. sounds like you agree with OW you are just marking time
til you go back to her If you dont love your wife why are you going back? for the kids? noble but not good enough they get two miserable
parents. If my wife didn't have love to start with I would D. I still say for you divorce take 6 month break from OW concentrate on the kids.
repair the damage with them but not by martyring yourself. just my .02
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I feel so bad for your wife


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## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

Saki said:


> Come on dude, she's not fasting.
> 
> She can't eat. I've lost 20 pounds since my most recent DDay.
> 
> ...


Saki is right.

Exactly, my wifes affair was the best weight loss program i've ever been on. No exercise and still loosing weight. 

I would be fearfull for your whole family. My kids are suffering because their dad can't eat, sleep and is sad most of the time. They don't know their mother had an affair. I'm in your wifes shoes but i cant tell you what to do. All i know is you changed all their lives more than what you could ever imagine. Your wife is in a living Hell. 

This somewhat seems like my story being so happy for the first few years, kids come along, everyone gets busy, communication dissappears, you take each other for granted, some resentment happens, and then boom everything you and your wife endured, did for each other, put up with doesn't matter. This person thats your best friend and soulmate is perfect and your wife is nothing. I'm sorry i don't know what the fog is like because i was on the other end but when your in my shoes I think that you really did not give any rational thought on how this would affect your wife and kids. 

Think of the feeling you would have right now if your best friend, lover, soulmate, person who will love you forever and ever right now tells you she has someone else tommorrow. Also, envision her and him having sex, laying together, and walking by you as if you were nothing and not being able to remove those images from your mind. Think of your kids looking at their mother who is most likely a zombie right now because of you. Your kids feeling that they were meaningless to you. 

Do any of the comments in the above paragraph affect your thinking?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I'll take a slightly different position. It's good you've broken off contact with your AP - it will be harder to maintain it - do it. Resist the urge to go back and "see how she's doing" or to "make sure she's ok." Take it from another cheater - just cut it off and let it be over. 

I understand what others are telling you about not going back to your wife for the right reason, and while I agree with them I still think it's the right thing for you to do right now. Go back and focus on your marriage. Put all your time, energy and focus into it. Go to counseling, exhaust every resource to make your marriage what you want it to be and give it a year (for others here - I'm allowing 6 months to get himself out of the fog and six to work on his marriage clear headed). However if you arrive at a point a year or two from now where the only reason you are staying is for your kids then like everyone else I would say you should end the marriage. 

You owe it to your wife and family to give your marriage every effort without the interference or distraction of your AP. If you give an all out honest shot and it just isn't there - well then it's probably best to call it over and let everyone pursue being happier than you both will be in an unhappy marriage. 

BUT - if your just buying time - secretly sitting in a corner pining for your AP instead of really working on your marriage - then go ahead and bail now and get it over with. If you've already checked out respect your wife enough to cut her loose.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Wow rkelly...this OW is a true and pure snake. How can you have respect for anyone that would willingly get involved with a man who had a family and encourage the destruction of that family? 

You are a dog and as long as your heart truly lies with the snake...you are not doing the right thing. Realize what a piece of crap this OW is and realize how good you have it with your WIFE..your wife is what being a real and great woman is all about. You have no idea how good you have it with her.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

lisab0105 said:


> Realize what a piece of crap this OW is and realize how good you have it with your WIFE..your wife is what being a real and great woman is all about. You have no idea how good you have it with her.


His wife deserves a good man. I hope she finds one some day.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Complexity said:


> I feel so bad for your wife


This is exactly how I feel, just thought the same thing. I knew she would take him back, unfortunately what I see here is that they will rug sweep the whole thing, and he will continue his affair. and she accept it..


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## rkelly1970 (Jan 4, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Good for you for coming clean, RKelly.
> 
> What happened to the apartment you were keeping?


Quick update... Things are home are slowly coming around somewhat to normal kids are happier then ever... My lovely wife seems to finally be smiling and showing signs of happiness, but still has some bad days at times. understandably since she is very scared to trust me. I on the other hand am completely focusing on re-gaining my connection with God, my wife and my children... I will say this "It has been extremly hard becasue I miss what I had and I can't stop thinking about the OW that special love bond we shared not to mention I know that she is hurting becasue of what I have done to her but simply walking away. But I pray for streanght daily!!! I know in time and with prayer everything can be restored.

Thanks again to all for the good advice you took the time to write...

As for the apartment I was able to get out of the 7 months I had left on the lease...


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Good Job - keep it up. I've been exactly where you are with your AP in your head. Do not give into the temptation to check on her or to try to get a "good" goodbye. Let it be over. I fell into this and it only prolongs the pain for everyone. It's a long and bloody story and I'm happy to help you any way I can with it if you have any interest but unless you do I'll save some typing. 

To keep it short, learn from my mistakes and stay away from the OW, time will eventually dull her memory and the pain of having her in your head. Do not question your commitment to your wife because your AP is still in your head. Emotional bonds are hard to break, just keep your foot on it's neck until it dies. 

Good Luck man!! Make sure your wife knows you love her.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Are you guys in marriage counselling? If not, go.

Read His Needs, Her Needs and Not Just Friends.

When you trigger/think about the AP, just remember the horrible look on your wife's face when she found out about the affair. Keep doing this every time you remember OW--or how your kids are mad at you about the A, or how much pain you caused your marriage/ family.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> I'll take a slightly different position. It's good you've broken off contact with your AP - it will be harder to maintain it - do it. Resist the urge to go back and "see how she's doing" or to "make sure she's ok." Take it from another cheater - just cut it off and let it be over.
> 
> I understand what others are telling you about not going back to your wife for the right reason, and while I agree with them I still think it's the right thing for you to do right now. Go back and focus on your marriage. Put all your time, energy and focus into it. Go to counseling, exhaust every resource to make your marriage what you want it to be and give it a year (for others here - I'm allowing 6 months to get himself out of the fog and six to work on his marriage clear headed). However if you arrive at a point a year or two from now where the only reason you are staying is for your kids then like everyone else I would say you should end the marriage.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:

This is a wise post.


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

This entire story is terrible. The OW is a piece of crap but she isn't the only one in this situation. Don't be surprised if she doesn't stir up trouble every chance she gets. I wish rkelly luck but I am fear for his wife and kids. His family wants so badly to trust and love him but the odds are against them.


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