# guy needs woman advise cheating wife



## indycop (Mar 29, 2013)

My story. 
Been married 9 years as of Feb 2013. My wife is a alpha, doesn't need or exhibit a lot of emotion. I'm the emotional one. We were in complete infactuation with each otehr for the first 4-5 years. I pretty much submitted to everything, I didn't like to cuase waves. Around year 5 I kinda changed my attitude and started standing up and pushing back a little. Wife likes to yell, gets made easily and recently has said she just get annoyed wit ha lot of things I do. My faults..I've been controlling in the way I wanted to be with her 24/7. I would get upset if she choose another activity over me. I was pretty clingy. 

She is social. With her alpha qualities she gets along better with men than women generally. She tells nasty jokes, stong -headed etc.
I'm not that social. Iv'e always had trust issues with everyone in general. The phrase I use is I start everyone out at zero trust and build up from there.
My wifes family told me that she is the type of girl that enjoyed relationships when they were conevient and dumped the guy when it was an issue. They were surprised when I "tamed her".
Had a couple small issued in past two years when a guy at her work and her began to be friends. She talked often and at length with him. the guy became obsessive and she informed me and she cut their friendship off. She doesn't like being the bad guy and wans't as extreme as I wanted her to be with him. (found out he has tried to re-contact her via email over past couple months, she admitted this after I found out about affair). 
The other guy was a check-in guy at her gym who she was friendly with, he and her would call and just chat. She came forward and told me that his wife had found her number and she called my wife( I was on 3-way) and she told my wife not to have any more contact, which she hasn't since. 

My wife told me a few months ago she wasn't happy. She said she gets easily annoyed with me, I spend money, she likes to save, has issues with my 2 kids from another relationship and that I make her feel guilty for doing anything extra-curricular that doesn't involve me. I heard her but didn't make aggressive changes.
I admit, when she talks about work, I often ask her if anyone has hit on her, which has caused her to also be annoyed with me. I had started to work on them buy having her enjoy the gym and not have me harrasing her to hurry home all the time. I also made a point to go and eat dinner with her friends when she asked me too.
]THE DAY I FOUND OUT[/U]Last saturday due to a rebooting of iphones and changing our Itunes accounts around I inadvertantly started getting her text messages Saturday Morning. She started texting a guy saying how she hates the weekends and wishes it was monday so they could see each other. She told him that "I feel silly, but I miss you" which the guy agrees. They go on to talk about plans to see each other and she tells him how good she looks at the gym etc. I freak out of course and end up going to her parents house and tell them (not sure why I did that yet). I have her meet with me and after 10 mins of convincing her she comes clean. She met a guy at work. He went back to her office and started talking. After couple weeks she said he tried to kiss her and she let him. Since then they have been kissing 2-3 times a week for the past four weeks. She said they didn't have any kind of sex and I believe her and the texts I read kinda suggested that hadn't happened yet. She told me that she was totally wrong. We talked for 48 hours straight and we agreed to separate bank accounts, and for me to leave. She said she still loved me but was feeling stifiled and wanted more frreedom. She described her freedom as not feeling guilty if she went to the gym, had to work late or wanted to go grab a drink with the girls. She stated she was ending the relationship with the guy, which I listened and she called me from work the next two days when he came to speak with her. I called the guys wife and told her.
I left for a few hours and called her and she told me that leaving wasn't the right answer.
We talked at length. She wanted some time to miss me. She said she knows she was being selfish, but she knows herself and knows what will make her happy. She talked about a seperation witht he rules of marriage still applying. I told her that I couldn't stick around and wait for her and feel like I was feeling..not knowing would kill me. 
While we were talking we couldn't agree on who was going to stay in the house. We both had good reasons. After a few more hours she decided and I agreed that we would stay together and work things out. The rules would be is that I would give her some space, work on my finances ie separate accounts, refi the house in my name (was just in hers). She was to want to try and make me a priority and try and pay attention to my needs (i'm the emotional one). So since last saturday, I have lost 12 pounds, break down crying randomly and feel scared ****less that she will change her mind. 
I feel like and we have talked about it, is that I feel the ball is in her corner and I'm at her whim. We have agreed and swore to stay married and work through our issues and if anyone has a problem or issue we are open and honest and try and find a solution. 
She stated her relationship was based on that the guy had a personality similar to hers and she could be open with him and not have to worry about all the other stuff..money, kids, daily issues, like with me. I believe her when she says this guy was just an outlet and I don't see her re-kindling anything. 
My wife is also worried that her work will find out and get her in trouble and she feels embarresed becaue her family knows.

My wife has immersed herself in her work, she had a work function to do last night, had a couple glasses of wine and came home. She said she needs normalcy. I've worked 6 hours in the past week and can't get this outta my mind. It seems easy for her to put on a front at work, I cannot. 

I have agreed to all the stipulations and are working hard. I figure it will not only make her happy, it will make me a better person. She has also agreed to be more supportive for me and to commit to our relationship.

I've never-ever had the feelings i've had over the past week. I'm struggling to function. We are already been to counseling one and plan to go again next week. 

I deep down don't know if my wife thinks I can give her what she needs. My insecurites contributed to this, her actions made it come true.

I just don't know if I can make her happy. But dammit, I'm gonna not give up.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Well you basically agreed to give her the freedom and space to go cheat on you, while you take on the mortgage in your name only.

You catch her cheating and the final arrangement is for her to have more freedom and more privacy,

Seriously you can see that this is going to end in disaster right?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Your wife isn't cheating because she isn't happy.

She's cheating because she believes she can and get away with it.


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## NatureDave (Feb 19, 2013)

I'm not a woman, but many on here can give you some good advice.

First, some cold, hard truths that are going to hurt, but experience has shown that they are almost always right.

1) "We only kissed" means they had sex. Period. Grown adults don't get together for makeout sessions like Richie in Happy Days. They "kissed" two or three times a week for 4 weeks? Right...

2) What she has told you is what she had to. The rule of thumb is that what you first find out is the tip of the iceberg...90% is still underwater or undiscovered.

3) Wanting a separation or more freedom is really asking for more space to carry on the affair. 100%. Everytime. Wanting more freedom to go to the gym, drinks with the "girls", etc. is just more opportunity to hook up with the other man.

4) This affair is not over, they are just going to take further underground.

5) This is the hardest one: You have to be prepared to let your wife go to have a chance to win her back.

If you can accept these truths, then maybe this board can help you. Are you ready to listen?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

So in short your wife has been open to seeing other men romantically? 

the first guy hit on her at her work - after a while she told you and they cut it off (as far as you know)

The second one at the gym was hitting on your wife (and you really don't know what happened except for what your wife told you) was caught by his wife and the OMW called your wife to shoo her away. You did nothing. 

Your wife, I take it, just smirked?

The third one again at work, was hitting on your wife - got her to do some serious kissing on the job. She said nothing to you about it. You found out she texted him that she couldn't wait to see him at work again. 

Indycop: Did you talk to the wife of the gym guy? The one that shooed your wife away? You should have = there was more there than just friends. 

What did the wife of the guy at work say? Did you actually talk to her or just sent her a note?

Indy: (are you a cop?)
Your wife wanted to separate so she could continue to see other guys without guilt. Yeah, I know she said she would observe the "rules of marriage" while separated. Did she make the "scouts honor" sign too? Jeeeez observing the "rules of marriage" would be something new for her right? When has she observed them? Not with you my friend. Not with you.

You need to take control of your life. She is controlling you like a trained show-dog. She wants to separate the money, shift the debt of the house to you, move out, ...... Indy do you see a pattern here? Step back 1000 ft and take another look.


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

Read a few other threads. Your story is the same as all the others. Do not let yourself fall prey to the line of thinking that somehow your situation or wife are greatly different. Everyone wants to believe that and it is never true. 

Your wife has. Even banging other dudes for a while. At least theatest guy but probably a few others. She gets her self worth from them wanting her. She has probably done things with them you can only imagine. She will not stop until you gather hard evidence and expose her far and wide. She must hit rock bottom and be willing to quit her job. You HAVE TO TAKE A HARD STAND! But first you need the evidence. Put a voice activated recorder (VAR) in her car. That will get you what you need. 

Look over the links around for newbies. There is a wealth of info here if you use it you will get through this. If you ignore the advice here or bury your head in the sand you will kill yourself slowly. 

And so you know just about everyone inuding me who give you advice were once in your position. We all speak from direct experience. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

She doesn't respect you. And you are allowing her to continue that behavior. 

You cannot "nice" her out of her affairs.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Your ILs are right about her.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

indycop said:


> My wifes family told me that she is the type of girl that enjoyed relationships when they were conevient and dumped the guy when it was an issue. They were surprised when I "tamed her".


This is the only thing you need to read and re-read and then run away. 

Until she looks at herself and as to why she does this with men and relationships, it will be such a hard, uphill battle to save your marriage.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

Hang on a minute. SHE cheated yet SHE'S the one giving YOU stipulations and having YOU dangling on a string?

Wrong way round sunshine!

In order to save your marriage you have to be prepared to lose it. If you lose it, it wasn't worth saving in the first place.

She should be the one begging YOU to reconsider, begging YOU to give her another chance.

Do the 180 and read all the newbie links. They will help you.

http://www.network54.com/Forum/233195/thread/1302875291/last-1353857556/The+180


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

As a woman, and an alpha one at that, i'm telling you that I wouldn't respect you either. You're clingy, needy, and smothering. I can see how she would end up cheating; please nobody call me names because I said that. I think it is [email protected]@tty of her to cheat and you shouldn't put up with it, I just understand how it happened. You know how you deal with her? Show her the door. Geez, no more crying and not eating, nobody respects a victim. Or cry in private but in public grow a pair. Tell her that if she finds someone else that appealing not to let the door hit her arse on the way out. She's looking for a man; you can either be that man or not, if you still want her after her cheating. Sorry for my tone, just sending tough love your way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

To add one more thing, the whole "I get along better with men" thing is bs. I'm loud and like to tell questionable jokes too, but I have other women friends that are the same way. In general, women that don't hang out with other women and do hang out with men like the attention they get when there are no other women around to compete with. Just my two cents there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

I did my share of crying and not eating when I found out my H was cheating.

But you can be damn sure that if he was behaving the way your W is, I'd have absolutely nothing to do with him.

We are on our way to R, and he is doing all the right things. Yes, our M had problems, but having an A was not the way to deal with it. He is remorseful and horrified and doing all the right things.

He is the one feeling as if I am holding HIM on a string because I am not ready to 100% commit to R - we are seeing how it goes. It's MY decision, not his. He has to accept that, or there is no deal.

He is absolutely ready to comply with MY stipulations. He has none of his own. He has no right to any.

I accept that the problems in the M were partly my responsibility and I fully intend to step up to the plate and pull my weight with fixing those. But anything else - no way!

Tell her where to go. It's your way or you divorce. She'll spit the dummy, but hold fast. You deserve better.

And if she goes - perhaps you'll be better off!!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I wish you the best, Robsia. I don't think I could do that.

OP, read the 180 and do it. Seriously. YOU call the shots. Not her.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

What I read from your post is that both you and your W believe that she is God's gift to you. Since marriage is supposed to be a two-way street, you should be God's gift to her as well. Clearly, though, this is not how the two of you think. Apparently, you are lucky, lucky, lucky to have her & she decides whether she can tolerate you or not.

Given her sense of privilege (that you seem to completely buy into), it makes sense that she would feel entitled to be with other men. And when she does this, it will naturally be your fault - it will be because you failed to do A, B, or C.

I know you want to save this, but this sort of dynamic is so unhealthy and wrong. You should value yourself more. Much more. You should not accept being led around and told what to do by a W who would just as easily shed you as dead weight when her interest lags. 

Please feel some pride for yourself. This isn't what a marriage is supposed to be.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> As a woman, and an alpha one at that, i'm telling you that I wouldn't respect you either. You're clingy, needy, and smothering. I can see how she would end up cheating; please nobody call me names because I said that. I think it is [email protected]@tty of her to cheat and you shouldn't put up with it, I just understand how it happened. You know how you deal with her? Show her the door. Geez, no more crying and not eating, nobody respects a victim. Or cry in private but in public grow a pair. Tell her that if she finds someone else that appealing not to let the door hit her arse on the way out. She's looking for a man; you can either be that man or not, if you still want her after her cheating. Sorry for my tone, just sending tough love your way.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree: dead-on & damn straight

Tell her you're nobody''s little b|tch


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Alpha female? If alpha means something good, she isn't it. How does banking men, while married, make her alpha? You are allowing her to consume you. You need to be painfully honest with yourself about who she is. You may have been telling yourself for years that she is someone she isn't or can't be to keep your world from falling apart. But it has inevitably happened and you are in denial right now. The rose-colored glasses need to come off, only you can take them off. Once you examine your relationship, you will put her in perspective and take the necessary actions.

Doesn't sound like she has the capacity to love or form a meaningful relationship. Sounds like you should find out more about her childhood, if you have the time. Seems she's young too, not marriage material. Expose OM even if it means they both lose their jobs, ikky that they are getting paid to kiss, speak to gym ex-om's wife. You should get IC for you to cope and understand why you have fogged yourself about someone who is fogging up every other guy. Have to examine why you felt the need to "father" this woman over 18.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## indycop (Mar 29, 2013)

I appreciate all of your reply's. I'm very weak right now, I will be strong. This will make me better.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Alpha?

High time you became one, too.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

I was reading your Original post and cringing. I actually caught my self reaching for the monitor trying to virtually reach out, through my monitor, back in time, and shake you. 

I will be honest here your wife is using you. She wants this marriage only for the financial and security of the home and lifestyle. She is outright lying to you about everything. 
Noone just kisses two or three times a week. They have had sex. Multiple times. 
You are choosing to be in denial. I am guessing because it is easier that facing the truth that your wife has betrayed you. You find out she cheats and instead of saying " I will not tolerate cheating." Your actions said " I will do what ever you want me to so we don't split up." 
By you allowing her to draw her own boundaries you have further enabled more inappropriate behavior. I think you need to go make sure you don't suffer from low testosterone.(I am saying this out of concern) Your actions and behavior are similar symptoms of Low T. Regardless you have got to set boundaries. 
You have got to get angry. You should be angry and you have every right to be angry. This woman has slept with multiple men. She has disrespected you by trying to pin her infidelity on you. She has not stopped having affairs rather she has made it easier for her to have an affair because she wants total freedom. 
She is heavily in the fog of these relationships. I mean you find out she is hitting on a gym employee and suddenly she wants to go to the gym more. She has a fling with a coworker and now she spends all of her time at work. My friend you aren't being clingy. You are asking for your wife to come home and be your wife.
How was and is the sex life now?


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Indycop

You cannot bow down to her like this. You need to be much stronger. It is very, very hard, but you must. 

A side note. I know your going nuts, but try to break up that wall of text. It is hard to read and it is obvious your upset while typing.

The problem is to fix this you have to be ready to loose it and your not.

This will not work or help you if your going to sucking her virtual pen1s. Both have to be afraid of loosing each other. Right now it seems she is not worried about loosing you and she clearly see's that you will die if she left. Again trust me I understand. Been there, done that.

All she will do is go to marriage counseling, lie to the MC and you and then just wait for the right person to come along, then really leave. 

If you take the time to read a bunch of these threads and search the internet you will see that I need my space is pretty much I'm looking to see where this relationship goes with this other man. If it doesn't work out I will come back or maybe I will like being alone again and I will just leave. 

Again trust me I thought or feel my wife was a beautiful women for her ages. Men would look at her all the time. She was attractive. I felt very lucky to have her. Even I was in awe looking her naked in bed making love to her after 19 years. 

But I got over it. I will find the new younger and better looking wife to take her place. 

Plus you come to see how some of your shallow your thoughts where. I did. 

Right now, like myself, You are dependent on her now. Instead of being co-dependent on each other. So your feeling like your world will crash down around you without her. 

Heck I panicked that I had to pay the bills when my wife was leaving. Think how retarded that is panic over paying bills. I did it for 20 years and only the last 4 year did she take over and I freaked out over it. 

Only time and good friends will help you. Trust me I would have been dead if it wasn't for friends and family and people here. I'm ashamed that I even thought that way only 3 months ago. What a fool I was. 

Talk to your friends and family. I had people come out of the wood work to help me. 

Being dependent is hard because it makes you like this. Trust me these feelings will change, you just need time to see it. 

But don't refi anything. Don't do anything like that right now. Protect yourself right now. 

But don't be afraid to out her and expose her. You did right. She told you she felt ashamed. That is the whole point. To show them how wrong this is. 

Look if she is going to leave you, she will leave you. There is NOTHING you can do. But if it is going to happen then like a bandaid, you need to rip it off and get it over. Trust me dragging it out will not help. 

Again my wife lied and faked for 4 months pretending. It made it worse and in the end after 19 years and 2 kids, now she won't even speak with me.. Why I have no clue.. You think we could be at least civil. But not her.. Again no clue why.. It drove me nuts, but I am slowly letting go of it all. 

I think the more you drag this out the worse it will get for you. She will keep trying to gain control and you will be fighting over control. This way if it is going to work it will work, if not then your done with it. As painful as it might be it will be resolved. Once again I know it is a very tough pill to swallow. This forum is filled with people who didn't want divorce and to loose their loved ones to something like this, including yours truly. 

Again very sorry your here and dealing with this. But you really need some real honest truth from her otherwise you will be doing this again in the next few years.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> *She stated her relationship was based on that the guy had a personality similar to hers*


The similarity being that they both feel comfortable with sleeping around and cheating on their spouses. nice!


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

alte dame said:


> what i read from your post is that both you and your w believe that she is god's gift to you. Since marriage is supposed to be a two-way street, you should be god's gift to her as well. Clearly, though, this is not how the two of you think. Apparently, you are lucky, lucky, lucky to have her & she decides whether she can tolerate you or not.
> 
> Given her sense of privilege (that you seem to completely buy into), it makes sense that she would feel entitled to be with other men. And when she does this, it will naturally be your fault - it will be because you failed to do a, b, or c.
> 
> ...



abso. Lutely. Oprah


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## Furious George (Nov 14, 2011)

indycop said:


> I appreciate all of your reply's. I'm very weak right now, I will be strong. This will make me better.


It's normal, hang in there. You will make the most progress once you get angry at yourself to letting her treat you this way.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Grab you balls from her purse.
No More Mr Nice Guy


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

I wrote in another thread how I went bad and stayed bad several years. During that time, I never kissed a woman, and there were lots of them, more than a couple of times before my hands were in forbidden places, if you know what I mean. So she is BS ing, (and I don't mean betrayed spouse) Of course she's having sex with these guys.
Indy, you're sounding like at best, an extreme beta guy, which most women loath, or worse, a human doormat she wipes her feet on. I've got a suggestion. If you love her, let her go. If she doesn't come back, thank God and change your behavior to a more alpha male. If she does come back, run for the hills and change your behavior to a more alpha male. Do you really want to continue being a stooge and patsy for this woman?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

indycop said:


> i appreciate all of your reply's. I'm very weak right now, i will be strong. This will make me better.


thats why we are here!!!!!!!


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> As a woman, and an alpha one at that, i'm telling you that I wouldn't respect you either. You're clingy, needy, and smothering. I can see how she would end up cheating; please nobody call me names because I said that. I think it is [email protected]@tty of her to cheat and you shouldn't put up with it, I just understand how it happened. You know how you deal with her? Show her the door.* Geez, no more crying and not eating, nobody respects a victim. Or cry in private but in public grow a pair. * Tell her that if she finds someone else that appealing not to let the door hit her arse on the way out. *She's looking for a man; you can either be that man or not, if you still want her after her cheating.* Sorry for my tone, just sending tough love your way.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




:iagree:


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

Another classic case of Beta syndrome. OP, I am sorry you are here but you CAN be helped. It will mean a lot of introspection and being willing to let the "old you" with the "trust issues" and passive demeanor, go for good.

First order of business: DO THE 180. Immediately. Not as a way to trick your wife back, but because you became almost an extension of her rather than your own man. You MUST become your own independent man to attract her or any woman in the future.

Next, you now have an immediate homework assignment. Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "Married Man's Sex Life Priner". Take notes. Read them like there is a test tomorrow. Because there is.

Finally, get yourself to the gym immediately. It will help you get this anxiety out of you, but more importantly, it will help you start to become (at least physically) one of the guys your wife is attracted to.

And keep coming back here to give us updates and for support. This site saved my sanity when it was my turn to stand where you are. Sorry for your pain, bro.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

that_girl said:


> I wish you the best, Robsia. I don't think I could do that.


If you'd asked me beforehand, I wouldn't have thought it either.

But it's different when it happens to you. Luckily my WH does seem to be genuinely remorseful and is doing all the right things. It's a long long difficult road, but we're making a start.

I don't see a happy ending for this OP's marriage though, sadly. Although maybe a happy ending for him, eventually, with someone else.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

As a woman, I agree with all posts so far. Let this forum help you out of your fog and pain. The advice is good, spot on.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> What I read from your post is that both you and your W believe that she is God's gift to you. Since marriage is supposed to be a two-way street, you should be God's gift to her as well. Clearly, though, this is not how the two of you think. Apparently, you are lucky, lucky, lucky to have her & she decides whether she can tolerate you or not.
> 
> Given her sense of privilege (that you seem to completely buy into), it makes sense that she would feel entitled to be with other men. And when she does this, it will naturally be your fault - it will be because you failed to do A, B, or C.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


This woman control the very air he breathes, his thoughts and even his perception of self, are hers.
She has dominated and projected herself into him, and he doesn't realize it.
He thinks what she wants to think. She's manipulating him.
He's not thinking straight nor rational.


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

did we run off OP?? IndyCop...give us an update. I know some of this stuff hurts, but like I said before, most of us were in your shoes at one time. We are only here to help like "the guy" said.


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## Jamesjohn (May 15, 2013)

Good for you. Work it our, buddy.

I'm just curious how you were able to get txtr messages from her iphone. I wanted to do since I suspect my wife still cheats on me. Thanks.




indycop said:


> My story.
> Been married 9 years as of Feb 2013. My wife is a alpha, doesn't need or exhibit a lot of emotion. I'm the emotional one. We were in complete infactuation with each otehr for the first 4-5 years. I pretty much submitted to everything, I didn't like to cuase waves. Around year 5 I kinda changed my attitude and started standing up and pushing back a little. Wife likes to yell, gets made easily and recently has said she just get annoyed wit ha lot of things I do. My faults..I've been controlling in the way I wanted to be with her 24/7. I would get upset if she choose another activity over me. I was pretty clingy.
> 
> She is social. With her alpha qualities she gets along better with men than women generally. She tells nasty jokes, stong -headed etc.
> ...


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