# Wife Gone - Hitting Reset Button on Life



## Hypnos (May 6, 2013)

I'm currently going through a divorce, and this is my story. Warning, this may reach War and Peace scale. I don't know what I'm looking for here, or hoping to accomplish, but part of me just wants to put all of this out there - and maybe get some outside input.

My wife and I have been married for 5 years, with no children. She got offered a job on the other side of the country and accepted. Now before you paint a picture of her stepping out the door flipping me the bird, let me give some of the back story. I was not the best husband, I don't believe that I was even a good husband. I should add a quick disclaimer that I never cheated on my wife, never raised a hand to her, and never really ever even raised my voice. I feel, however, that what I did do was almost just as bad...

I have difficulty showing affection, and at times even emotion. This isn't something isolated to my wife, I can't even stand to be hugged by my family. My wife knew this before we got married, and said that she understood that it didn't mean I didn't love her, but I knew that it was a constant struggle. 

I could also be called somewhat controlling. I think part of this stems from a strong sense of over-protection. I've always been that way with people and things I care about. Seriously, I wouldn't even play with my toys outside as a child because I was afraid they'd get damaged... While I'd like to say that I always acted out of this sense of protection, and that I always believed I had her best interests in mind, I don't think that would be true. If I wanted my way, I was prepared to debate for it.

My wife on the other hand was very submissive, she hated confrontation and hated to say no. She was this way with everybody. I knew it was an issue and would frequently bring it up. I tried to work on it, both on my side and hers. I wanted to her to feel comfortable to challenge me, I wanted her to argue with me when she didn't agree.

We had various squabbles, but I believe for the most part we were happy. The last year has been the worst (obviously, we're getting divorced). After I graduated I took a job that I was over qualified for and not directly in my field, but there was little choice as other options were slim. It provided a reasonable salary, and kept us secure financially. I grew to hate the job, and every day was a drain. Finally, after a year, an opportunity came around for me to advance to a position in the same company, in my field. I worked hard, and got the promotion. The pay increase was marginal, but to actually be working in my field and on track with my career was priceless. I knew our marriage was stressed, but I felt that things were looking up as I could now focus on making things better at home.

Meanwhile, it was a bad time for my wife's career. She was lucky enough to secure a job in her field after graduation, but the business was not doing well and she got notice that she would be made part-time, and maybe even laid off. She looked hard for jobs in the area but to no avail. I reassured her that we would be okay, as we could easily live on my salary alone and there was no pressure for her to find a new job immediately.

To make things worse my wife's car was literally falling apart. She only drove it to and from work (about a 15min drive) and then drove my car once home. She was embarrassed by the state of it, and felt it was unsafe. We had planned on getting a new car, but I kept putting it off. Meet another one of my faults: I sometimes freeze on really big things. It would be my first time buying a car solo, and it made me nervous. 

I know that this conflicts with my overprotective nature noted above, but I was more worried about the financial risks. Buying a car while my wife's job was on thin ice was a nerve racking proposition. We fought about getting a new car, and I kept putting it off. She finally had enough and went out and bought a car while I was at work one day. I was furious, at the time I felt it was because she made an irresponsible decision, but looking back I know that I was mad because I knew that I should have worked out a way to get her a better car. We argued, and divorce was brought up, but we eventually reached peace.

Fast forward a couple of months... My wife walks in and tells me that she got a job offer on the other side of the country (over 2000 miles away) and she wants to take it. She wants me to go, we argue and eventually reach the conclusion that she is prepared to go with or without me.

I was obviously reluctant to make the move because of my career, but also because of the failing health of my grandfather. He was diagnosed with cancer a few months ago, and is now home on hospice - he's not expected to last much longer. My grandfather is the closest thing I've had to father in my life, and is one of the most important people in my life. I really feel that anything good in me, came from him.

My wife explained that I didn't have to leave home, that I could follow her once things were settled. I knew that a long distance relationship would not last. Our marriage was going through the roughest patch yet, and being so far would be the final nail in the coffin. While I don't show it, and let her reach the point she felt I didn't love her, I couldn't imagine my life without her. I flip flopped several times, believing that I could just go with her but in the end I knew I couldn't.

We separated and I moved in with my best friend, whom coincidentally is recently divorced. She moved out of our apartment and in with her mom while she prepared for the move. I was a nervous wreck, the thought her of making such a trip alone was torture. I bought a plain ticket so her mom could go with her, and paid for her move. She made it safely, and at the time we were determined to work on things. We made it a priority to talk every night, and eventually started Skyping every month. It was hard on us both, but I was happy to at least have something with her. She reached a point where we didn't trust me, she was convinced I was with another woman and that's why I didn't want to follow her.

In the heat of the argument I brought up divorce. She shut down and refused to talk to me. After I had time to cool down I lost my conviction and was unsure that divorce was the right decision. I begged her to talk to me so we could work things out. She continued to refuse, and nearly a month passed without me hearing her voice. The loss of connection to me took a dark place. At one point I was nearly finishing a bottle of Jack Daniels a night. I worked my way through it, with a new resolve. I now felt that divorce was the best thing, that the best thing we could do was close this chapter of our lives and move on.

When she started talking to me again we worked out the process. I could tell she was hurt. We talked, and the more we did the less I was sure about divorce. I told her that we should pause this divorce thing, and keep talking. I told her that I still felt divorce was probably the best option, but we didn't have to rush it. She was still hurt, and once again refused to talk to me. I explained to her how bad it hurt when she shut me out, and how bad things got. Still she shut me out, and that's where we are now. She'll respond to my texts, but only minimally.

I decided that a pro se (without lawyers) divorce was best, as neither of us have ill intentions toward the other. We had no real estate, and her move exhausted pretty much all of our resources. I sent her the papers and I'm waiting for her to complete the waiver allowing me to file and complete the divorce without her being present.

This whole thing has forced me to hit the reset button on my life. I've decided that I'm not happy with the person I was, and I'm going to start fresh. I think the first step of moving on is being happy with myself, something that I can't say I've ever been. It's been helpful reading the threads here and understanding that I'm not alone.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Hi Hypnos - I am sorry to hear of your situation but also impressed at your realistic self assessment. One thing I would say: no matter how independent women are, we like to be taken care of sometimes too. Next time, take care of your lady and buy the car or at least work actively to make sure she feels safe and cared for. 

My STBXH did not do those things either (although unlike you he was actively working against me.) It made me realize how important it is we show our family/friends/partners we care for them through not only our word but also our action/deed. 

Best of luck to you in your reset.


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## Hypnos (May 6, 2013)

Thank you for reading and your input. I really feel that the car was the straw that broke the camel's back to my wife. Despite my other faults, I believe that she always knew I would take care of her.

From the time we were engaged I was totally responsible for the finances. I made sure we always had a roof and never had to go without, despite both of us going to college full time. I managed all of the bills and juggled the credit debt to keep us afloat, and eventually got us on the right track after we graduated. Meanwhile my wife couldn't tell you what bank we had our savings account with.

I was happy to do this by myself, because at the risk of sounding a little sexist, I felt as the man that was my job - to take care of things. She was happy to let me because she knew she could trust me, and she shied from the responsibility. When I froze on making the move on the car I lost that trust, and I don't think I had much of anything left in her eyes.

I would always stall saying that it was too risky with her job on the rocks, or I wanted to wait until we saved more for a down payment. I know, looking back, if I had really been able to overcome my fear of making a big financial commitment, I could have made it work.


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## HollowKat (Mar 23, 2013)

It's great that you are realizing things in yourself that you may want to change/improve for the better. No one is perfect, and you know if you had good intentions of "why" you controlled certain things then you should not blame yourself for acting the way you do. You admit you have control issues, not many people can do that. To me it sounds more like you prefer to have the best possible option with what you know, something we both share. Maybe you are being too hard on yourself and need to realize it's okay to have your input on certain decisions so that you won't regret it later on. 

For the difficulty showing affection, it's easy for some, impossible for others. Are you happy with how you show affection? You are able to empathize with people so try to adjust so that you can open up to people and you may feel something you never felt before. 
Take this moment in your life as an opportunity to grow stronger, better, healthier, not only for yourself but for potential future relationships, whether it's with family, friends, and loved ones. What do you have to lose? Life is trial and error, but it is never wrong to live life to its fullest.


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## Hypnos (May 6, 2013)

Thank you for your insight and kind words, Kat. I can confidently say that I'm not happy with how I show affection. With most people, including family I have a genuine dislike of even being touched, with my wife it was different. I wanted to show her affection, but I think my hurdle was knowing how. 

It's as though the trigger in me that says "you should hug her now" or "you should give her a kiss now" was broke. I just didn't have that drive, it didn't mean that I didn't love her, it just meant I had to make a conscious effort to do those things that most people do unconsciously I think.


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## Hypnos (May 6, 2013)

I've read that "no contact" seems to be a common plan of attack here, but I know my wife and I feel that she would interpret that as I don't care. She's very hurt right now, and I need her to know I'm still here. She doesn't want a divorce, that was my move. I don't know what else I'm supposed to do. She's not coming back and I can't go there. I feel like it's expected that I just wait here until she's ready to move on and finds someone else - which would absolutely kill me.

We did one session of counselling before she left (right before), and the therapist said that my reaction to want a divorce is because I'm protecting myself. That all of this hurt is coming through a doorway, and my reaction is to close the door before more I can be hurt more. I think that's partly true, but mostly I feel that my wife checked out some time ago. How can I believe there's any love left for me in her, why _should_ there be? She said herself that she knew divorce was a possible consequence of her actions, and she accepted that.


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## HollowKat (Mar 23, 2013)

My best advice from what I am reading is to talk to her and let her know your intentions. Make it clear you both understand what is going on and what you plan to do. Otherwise you'll both be going back and forth with the mind games (not saying you are playing games but we aren't psychic) and just talk. You are both in a vulnerable state and presenting a clear course of action will get rid of any gray areas of "what-ifs." Set goals for ways to improve yourself and stick with them. Tell her how you really feel about the divorce, show compassion, and be strong. There is no "follow this path and you'll reach the end" because life is a mystery of trial and error. Life is a JOURNEY, not a DESTINATION. 

When she talks to you, LISTEN to what she says and how she says it. Don't interrupt, just take it in and hear what she has to say. The more you genuinely listen to her and she feels more confident in opening up to you, the better the communication flows between you. Try not to play the blame game either, easier said than done. 

You know your faults better than anyone else, and accept them and improve which ones you need to. Don't let your faults hold you back from being the person YOU want to be. Stay strong and you'll get to where you want to be.


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## Hypnos (May 6, 2013)

Thanks Kat. Right now the hardest part is communication, she pretty much refuses to talk to me. She'll respond to texts, but minimally. I've talked to her about my intentions, and told her that I don't want a divorce - but I don't see any other option. I've tried to show her that this doesn't mean I don't love her, but I don't think she believes it. Her only interpretation of divorce = I don't love her anymore. She sees it in black in white, which is slightly ironic because she said the same thing about her moving away not meaning she didn't love me.

I'm just so confused right now. Her wish is that once things settle (my grandfather passes) I follow her up there. Which means walking away from a career that I've worked hard for and what little friends/family I have here. I believe I could do that for her, but I'm so afraid that I'll end up resenting her for making me go through the death of my grandfather alone, when she's the only person I want by my side going through it. My fear is that she is done with me, and has almost entirely gone but she's afraid to let the divorce happen because it's the final nail in the coffin meaning she's alone.

I have no blame to lay on her. When I flip the roles and put myself in her shoes I don't know that I would have even lasted as long. I really think we would have been able to fix things had we had more time. The job offer put pressure on her to make a move, she was terrified that it would be her only chance at a career. She has serious self-worth issues due to a rough past with her father, something we have always dealt with. It was a very hard time while we were engaged, and early in our marriage. I finally talked her into counselling and medication which drastically improved her outlook, but I think she'll always have that voice in the back of her head that makes her feel worthless.


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## zappy_882000 (Apr 29, 2013)

Hi Hypnos - First of all I want to tell you that I'm really impressed by the way you wrote your story.

After reading your story I can only recommend what HollowKat advised you to do. Listen to your wife attentively even if you talk to her for a very small amount of time and do not play blame game. If you love her so much that you had envisaged your 50 years with her then no matter what you will support her decision even if you have to make a transition to where she is right now.

Brother the pain of losing her forever from your life will be far greater than the little comfort you will get sticking to your current job.

You are a grown up guy, you know what needs to be done. We can only advise you but if you love her (really love her), do not let this marriage fall apart by a demon called Divorce and do not leave any stone unturned to be with her.

God be with you and guide you

Zappy


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Hypnos,

So, you treated your wife in the way you would have liked to have been treated.

Did it ever occur to you that treating her as a man would prefer to be treated may not be what she was looking for?


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## Hypnos (May 6, 2013)

zappy_882000 said:


> If you love her so much that you had envisaged your 50 years with her then no matter what you will support her decision even if you have to make a transition to where she is right now.


Thanks for the insight, Zappy. I really did envision us spending the rest of our lives together. I do support her decision, and I want her to be happy - with or without me. I guess I have two great fears right now:

#1 I wait for things to settle here, and while doing so she finds someone else and moves on.

#2 I wait for things to settle here and follow her, but she finds that she just doesn't love me anymore. Then I'm left alone, after walking away from everything/everyone else in my life.

The more time I spend without talking to her I feel that divorce is the direction I want to go. When we were talking regularly I was convinced that we would get through it. It's been over a month since we spoke regularly, and I guess I'm just in a dark place.



Conrad said:


> Hypnos,
> 
> So, you treated your wife in the way you would have liked to have been treated.
> 
> Did it ever occur to you that treating her as a man would prefer to be treated may not be what she was looking for?


I really don't believe that I treated her the way _I_ would like to be treated. As I said, when I put myself in her shoes I don't think I would have lasted as long without bringing up separation.

I feel that I kept her at a distance, and that I didn't involve her as much as I should have when it came to making decisions. We went so long living with me being essentially the only one in the driver's seat that it just became second nature. I believe I assumed that role out of necessity in our early years, and I didn't shake out of it when she was ready to start taking responsibility and being more involved.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Hypnos said:


> Thanks for the insight, Zappy. I really did envision us spending the rest of our lives together. I do support her decision, and I want her to be happy - with or without me. I guess I have two great fears right now:
> 
> #1 I wait for things to settle here, and while doing so she finds someone else and moves on.
> 
> ...


Sounds like you operated under the assumption that if you took care of the financial stuff and tied up other loose ends (making her life easier) that she would love you.


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## Hypnos (May 6, 2013)

That may have been true on subconscious level, I can't say, but I don't think that was the case. The therapist I spoke with said that people like me, that have difficulty showing their love, often attempt compensate in some other way. She believed that I did this by providing security. I don't feel that I ever expected or thought I deserved her love _because_ of this. In fact, I have always felt insecure, that I didn't deserve her love and one day she would wake up and realize it.

I know that "handling things" is no substitute for showing affection/love, but I think it's just how I work - and I think it's the primary thing I have to focus on addressing if I'm ever going to move forward.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

It's called codependence


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Hypnos said:


> I didn't shake out of it when she was ready to start taking responsibility and being more involved.





Hypnos said:


> people like me, that have difficulty showing their love, often attempt compensate in some other way. She believed that I did this by providing security.
> 
> I have always felt insecure, that I didn't deserve her love and one day she would wake up and realize it.
> 
> I think it's the primary thing I have to focus on addressing if I'm ever going to move forward.





Conrad said:


> *It's called codependence*


Providing security so you could feel more secure in the relationship, due to your feelings of insecurity.


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## zappy_882000 (Apr 29, 2013)

Brother Hypnos,

I prefer to talk in simple terms as the jargon used by some people here perplexes me.

It is very natural for someone to show love and affection towards one's spouse in a different way. We all are different, some people show public display of affection, some do hands holding, some say I love you in the morning and some provide security (financial) in order to make their spouses happy.

What you did could not be considered wrong behavior, in fact, if she understood you inside out she should have tried to bring out the person she wanted you to be.

People normally talk about codependence - I've never understood that concept till now. How could you not be emotionally dependent on someone if you are married to someone and you sleep, eat, drink, love the other person 24x7.

Regarding you fear #2 - You will have to give it a chance otherwise you will never know if recon was possible or not.

Also - do not resign from your job and just take some time off if you plan to be with her and when you become complacent that you WILL have a life with her, then resign from the job.

Also - if she thinks 180 means you don't care for her, I would suggest talk to her every now and then but keep your conversations small.

Zappy


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

zappy_882000 said:


> People normally talk about codependence - I've never understood that concept till now. How could you not be emotionally dependent on someone if you are married to someone and you sleep, eat, drink, love the other person 24x7.


There is an element of codependence in most long term relationships.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

zillard said:


> There is an element of codependence in most long term relationships.


I've heard the figure quoted as high as 98%

As in most things, "some" dependence is ok, but it's on a continuum. If you get into the tall weeds with it, you're doomed.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Hypnos let me ask if that cat you have as an avatar is your own. If it is I bet that cat jumps on your lap and you stroke its fur while it purrs. 

Honestly, what you wrote here just plain sucks and is one of the most lame excuses I've read for wanting a divorce. You admit here that you know your issues of being overprotective and lack of affection. Your know all of this while you are with your wife, and yet you can't make an effort to change it. Who cares how you were brought up. If you love your wife you find a way to fix it.

That car issue you mentioned----geez how lame. Every time you have an argument you bring up divorce and yet you wonder why she doesn't want to talk to you? She has told you she will wait for you after your grandfather passes away and yet you are angry because she won't be there when he passes away? Buddy why should she, you practically kicked her out.

So you go on here depressed and listen to everyone here tell you Hypnos we feel sorry for you and you probably feel better for your actions now. Sure, feel better, and waffle around a bit longer just like you did for your entire marriage because you just probably lost the best person you could have ever met. Feel good about your reasons to divorce now. I'll bet you'll be drinking two bottles of Jack instead of one when you find out that your wife found someone else who loves her better than you could while you sit in your job regretting how much of a lame duck you were to have let her go.


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## Hypnos (May 6, 2013)

Alpha said:


> Hypnos let me ask if that cat you have as an avatar is your own. If it is I bet that cat jumps on your lap and you stroke its fur while it purrs.
> 
> Honestly, what you wrote here just plain sucks and is one of the most lame excuses I've read for wanting a divorce. You admit here that you know your issues of being overprotective and lack of affection. Your know all of this while you are with your wife, and yet you can't make an effort to change it. Who cares how you were brought up. If you love your wife you find a way to fix it.
> 
> ...


The cat isn't mine.

I don't deny any of this, except feeling better with sympathy. I value your "anti-pep-talk" just as much as I do the support of anyone else here. In fact, on some level, I think I was even hoping for a reaction like that. I know I have made mistakes, and know that I have handled things poorly. I think part of my drive for the divorce is that I feel like I've screwed up so royally the best thing I can do for her now is let her go.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

NO, you asking for a divorce is exactly what you have been doing your entire marriage, waffling. Its a cheap excuse from you putting in the work to save what there is left to save.

From your posts I have the feeling that she still loves you and that you still love her. Why do you want to let that go? So quit sitting around and do something quickly. She won't take your calls now? Then go buy yourself a plane ticket and pay her a visit. Profess your love and tell her you do not want to lose her and will do anything to make your marriage work, even if it means moving across the country to be with her. How do you think she would react with that? You flew cross country to tell her that you love her. 

If you visit her and she tells you she wants out, then you have your answer. But if she says she'll give you a chance, you work on your shortcomings like you've never worked before, and make a serious effort. 

Don't let your wife go without a fighting chance and quit sitting around doing nothing. Get on that damn airplane this weekend!!!


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## Hypnos (May 6, 2013)

Alpha said:


> NO, you asking for a divorce is exactly what you have been doing your entire marriage, waffling. Its a cheap excuse from you putting in the work to save what there is left to save.
> 
> From your posts I have the feeling that she still loves you and that you still love her. Why do you want to let that go? So quit sitting around and do something quickly. She won't take your calls now? Then go buy yourself a plane ticket and pay her a visit. Profess your love and tell her you do not want to lose her and will do anything to make your marriage work, even if it means moving across the country to be with her. How do you think she would react with that? You flew cross country to tell her that you love her.
> 
> ...


You really shook me up, and made me wake up. I was able to get her to Skype with me last night and I poured my heart out. I told her that I've made mistakes at almost every turn, both in our marriage and with this separation. I told her I was ready to stop trying to throw in the towel and start fix things. I told her I was ready to do whatever it took, and that I felt the first step was fixing me, because I don't believe I can make her happy until I've resolved my own issues.

I told her that I know I didn't deserve another chance, but begged her to let me *show* her with more than just words. I told her that I wanted to fly up there and spend a weekend with her, Memorial Day weekend so we'd have the most time together.

I'm afraid I've done too little too late, she said that _she_ wanted to go through with the divorce, and that she couldn't believe that I was being truthful - and I can't blame her. I still don't want to give up, and I plan on buying a plane ticket today for Memorial Day weekend. I promised her that I wouldn't ambush by showing up at her apartment, that if she didn't want to see my I would sit in a hotel all weekend, but I would be there for her. I know that doing this might just push her farther away, but if she's already set for divorce what have I got to lose? It might show her that I'm not just talking, that I'm ready to work.

I doubt she'll talk to me again (Skype/phone), but I'm going to keep trying to keep communication going.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Way to go Hypnos, way to go!

You get on that plane and its most likely she will see you. Now my advice when you get there.

1. Message her that you are in town and you would love to see her. Check into a hotel and don't crash her apartment. Odds are she will see you. Have you ever done anything like this for her? If no, then she will have to see it to believe it.

2. If for some reason she doesn't want to see you, DO NOT get angry. Let her know you are in town and then let her reach you. If she doesn't in the beginning, keep yourself distracted. Go to a movie, do some shopping or whatever, but DO NOT mope and DO NOT harass her. 

3. If you don't see her then you go back home but before you leave, you send over some flowers and write a handwritten note and have it mailed saying you wish she had the time to see you. 

4. If you see her, just act yourself and tell her you will be making the effort. You cannot expect to win your wife back that easy. There is so much stuff between you now that she is going to need the time. You need to back this up with some serious action. Talk is cheap. Work on yourself like you said. Get in shape, see a psychologist if you must, and only speak to her when you are ready and DO NOT talk about your relationship. I suggest you just check up on her and talk about what you normally talk about. You do not want to sound desperate to her at all. You want to show that you are becoming a changed and responsible man who loves to hear from his wife.

5. Then you fly out again to meet her. 

You have nothing to lose. Do not get discouraged although you will be tempted to in the beginning if things do not go your way. Stay the course on working on yourself and show your wife how much of a changed person you are. 

I sense from all your posts that all is not lost. This woman loves you. She tells you she wants to go through with a divorce because it was you who put the stupid idea into her head in the first place. Now you need to make her change her mind. DO NOT give up and fight for this woman with all you got. 

You don't want to regret the rest of your life that you may have let go the most important person to you. If in the end she rejects you, then at least you know that you made the best effort you could make and that it wasn't your fault if she decided not to go back.

Now I think the odds are in your favor Hypnos. Its still early in the game and I believe you will win her back. Best of luck. You can do this!!


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## Hypnos (May 6, 2013)

Thanks so much Alpha, I'm telling her this morning my flight information after I buy the ticket. Even if I just have to sit in a hotel room for the weekend with her ignoring me, at least I know I'm doing something. I'm focused now, and I know that I'm not doing this for myself just to say "at least I tried" - I'm doing this for her.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

That's the attitude Hypnos!! 

You going cross country to be with your wife is the way to do it. I hope something magical happens for you. 

Oh what a great feeling it is to be in love!


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## Hypnos (May 6, 2013)

Bought the plane ticket and texted her when I'd be landing...

I didn't expect she would react all that well to this, and I got about what I expected. She didn't want me to come, and felt like I was pressuring her to see me. I explained that I understood but didn't want her to feel pressured, and I wouldn't bother her. I told her I'll just sit in the hotel room all weekend and just "be there" for her, if she didn't want contact I would not be upset.

I know I run the risk of pushing her farther away by not respecting her wishes on this, but like I said if she has her mind set on divorce then this may be only shot. I can only hope she cools down between now and then, otherwise I guess I'd better find a hotel with good room service.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Hypnos you can expect that reaction from her but I bet there is something inside her that likes the idea that you are there even when she says that you are pressuring her.

Please DO NOT sit around your hotel room and just wait for her. It will drive you insane. You need to go out and keep yourself busy. Go find a nice restaurant around the area, something that she would like to eat and if she rings you back, ask her out on a date. Get yourself a decent car rental too.

If you feel like this is your only shot left, then don't look pathetic just waiting around. You need to look confident like you realized your shortcomings already, and the changes you plan to make and stick with have already started.


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## Hypnos (May 6, 2013)

I'll do my best, Alpha. I have to be careful with the spending, however. Her move pretty much wiped out our reserves and investments, and left me a couple thousand on the credit card. I'm a bit of an introvert though so I'm sure I can keep myself entertained with an internet connection and a TV. Regardless, I'm determined not to sit there and have a pity party, and I definitely won't let her see any negativity.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Hypnos said:


> Bought the plane ticket and texted her when I'd be landing...


Do you report everything to her?


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## Hypnos (May 6, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Do you report everything to her?


Figured it was better to let her know my plans rather just surprising her with a text letting her know I'm in town.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Hypnos said:


> Figured it was better to let her know my plans rather just surprising her with a text letting her know I'm in town.


You do realize that mysterious is a key component in attraction.


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## Hypnos (May 6, 2013)

Conrad said:


> You do realize that mysterious is a key component in attraction.


I understand, but I want her to know I'm not just talking right now I'm acting. I sent her a picture of my printed itinerary so she knows this isn't something I'm going to flip flop on. I _want_ her to know I've got a plan and sticking to it.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

I'd be careful to avoid the appearance that you are doing this for a booty call. 

If she does agree to meet you, don't do it at the hotel. And do not hit on her. Do not talk about your feelings, hurts or needs. Just listen to her if she chooses to talk.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hypnos (May 6, 2013)

zillard said:


> I'd be careful to avoid the appearance that you are doing this for a booty call.
> 
> If she does agree to meet you, don't do it at the hotel. And do not hit on her. Do not talk about your feelings, hurts or needs. Just listen to her if she chooses to talk.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I understand. I think we have a long, long, road ahead before being that intimate is on the table.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Hypnos said:


> I understand, but I want her to know I'm not just talking right now I'm acting. I sent her a picture of my printed itinerary so she knows this isn't something I'm going to flip flop on. I _want_ her to know I've got a plan and sticking to it.


I would recommend going dark until departure date.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Hypnos - a thought. Is there any way you can set up a MC session while you are there? Just make the appointment yourself then tell your wife to meet you, even if it's just for the sake of closure. 

I was dead set on leaving my ex, and that is the one place I actually would have met him at had he bothered to come home and fight for our relationship. 

Good luck!!


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## Hypnos (May 6, 2013)

bravenewworld said:


> Hypnos - a thought. Is there any way you can set up a MC session while you are there? Just make the appointment yourself then tell your wife to meet you, even if it's just for the sake of closure.
> 
> I was dead set on leaving my ex, and that is the one place I actually would have met him at had he bothered to come home and fight for our relationship.
> 
> Good luck!!


I'm not sure about the possibility of setting something up while there, but the counselor we saw (once, right before she left) mentioned that she is licensed for remote sessions via Skype. I think we might have more success with that as she already knows some of our history and is a friend of my wife's mother.

I'm going to call her today and see what options there are, thanks, Brave.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Hypnos said:


> I'm not sure about the possibility of setting something up while there, but the counselor we saw (once, right before she left) mentioned that she is licensed for remote sessions via Skype. I think we might have more success with that as she already knows some of our history and is a friend of my wife's mother.
> 
> I'm going to call her today and see what options there are, thanks, Brave.


Doesn't sound like going dark to me.


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## Hypnos (May 6, 2013)

I'm not contacting my wife about this, just the therapist to get an idea of what options we have for remote counselling. My wife has said she wanted to do counselling in the past, and I'd like to have a way to do it ready to go this time.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

I don't know about that counseling session. I wouldn't force it on your wife when you see her. She might feel ambushed.

I agree with Conrad. Go dark from here on until you arrive in her town. Take her out to dinner and simply enjoy her company, nothing more.


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## Hypnos (May 6, 2013)

Thanks for the advise so far guys! I definitely won't ambush her with the counselling session, I just want to have the info ready should _she_ bring it up so that she knows I'm prepared.

She texted me a bit Friday to let me know that she was still upset, and she was signing the waiver (which allows me to complete the divorce without her present) and I should have it this week. She said that she would like the divorce papers filed by the end of June.

I told her that I was afraid I was doing more damage than good trying to talk to her right now and that I would be available if she needed me, but other than that she'd hear from me when I landed and I loved her. We haven't talked since.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

I'm sorry, New to the thread, but this sounds like a woman that's already moved on. Might already be dating another even.??


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## Hypnos (May 6, 2013)

Thumper said:


> I'm sorry, New to the thread, but this sounds like a woman that's already moved on. Might already be dating another even.??


A very real possibility, and what I'm doing is probably too little too late but still going to try. If the trip is a bust and she really does want a divorce, then I won't fight her on it - she deserves to be happy.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

True that, and even finalizing the divorce still doesn't mean it's over.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

...at least you will know.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Okay Hypnos did you actually go through with your trip? 

Let us know if you did and how it all turned out. Inquiring minds want to know.


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