# New to the forum



## KathyfromMich

Hi,
I’m new here and I’ve been married more than 20 years. We have two kids, 18 and 16, both girls.
It’s generally been really good until the last year. Last year has been eventful to say the least. Both our mothers died, our oldest left for school, we lost our family cat to cancer. Throw the upheaval of Covid in and now the kids are learning from home and my husband works from home. I have friends to talk to but its not always easy to get together. My husband and I have no break from each other except when I go to work ( i work in a hospital). I hope to at least see that I’m not alone


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## SunCMars

21 hours, and no one responds?

Hmm, welcome to alone.
Many on this blog, this board, this Talk About Marriage site are in the same boat.

Their boat is afloat, but is taking on water. Mostly, from sweat, some from tears.
Oh, and they have tears in the thin financial fabric of their boat.

The Ocean is huge, their boat small.

The world used to be huge, but now is pitifully small.

The same selfish rascals are in every country. They may not look alike, but they sure act alike.

Immature, some cruel.

Hang in there, some other sleepy heads will fall in the tub with us and softly, soap you up.
And, hopefully not get soap in your eyes. Ouch!

The reason nobody (has yet) posted on this Thread, your thread, is because it has no dirty bathwater in it.

Not yet?

Which, if true, congratulations!



_The Typist-_


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## jlg07

Welcome -- post your story when you can. LOTS of good folks here who can help by offering advice, souding board or just commiserate with you!


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## KathyfromMich

we’ve been arguing on and off over a year now. It started at my mother-in-law’s graveside service when my brother got the time wrong and showed up late. My husband was deeply offended by it. It was the last straw for him. I did not know how much my brother was pissing my husband off before all of this.
No matter how much we talk about the situation it simply never gets resolved. My husband feels that I take my brothers side of things. That’s not true but no matter what I have discussed about with my brother, its never satisfies him. 
We can have weeks of normal but then my husband wakes up and is pissed off all over again! The kids hear us fighting first thing in the morning. He must think they’re deaf!
When I speak with my husband it simply gives him more ammunition and if I’m not talking he’s pissed off too. It’s a zero sum situation for me. 
I’m seeking counseling but haven’t suggested it to him. He doesn’t see his part in all of this and thinks it’s simply me. 
I wonder if I’m so bad why is he still here?


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## KathyfromMich

My husband and I have been fighting on and off for at least a year. It began at his mothers graveside service. My brother got the time wrong and was late. My husband was really pissed off and confronted him about it a couple weeks later. My brother denied that he was late on purpose and normally he isn’t one to be late. Since then every thing my brother does my husband assumes the worst motives. My brother is a smart aleck but I never new how this was pissing my husband off. He wasn’t the target of my brother but grew tired of listening to him. The funeral was the last straw for him. 
We share a family cottage and dId spend weekends together. My brother basically ignored us further worsening the situation. I had hoped that over time that things would blow over but they haven’t.
Every time my husband gets angry, he fights with me. I don’t see my brother very often outside outside of the family cottage. We have been fighting over someone who doesn’t live with us and we don’t support him financially either. I have spoken with my brother about his silent treatment and how it made the situation worse. No amount of talking about the situation with both of them together has helped either. 
Any time I talk with my husband about it only pisses him off more. Yet he gets angry if I don’t talk to him. I lose either way. My husband feels I “baby” my brother and should be more confrontational like him. 
We do have weeks of ”normal” but then like on Tuesday he wakes up pissed off and we argue about the same issues over and over. The kids get to hear all of this and I wonder if my husband thinks they’re deaf! I get to hear about how he thinks how dysfunctional my family is and I‘m no better than my brothers. He’s an only child so I guess that makes him better. As if this was his choice. 
If I’m so awful, why has he stayed?


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## MattMatt

You both need counselling I think.


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## jorgegene

Wow. It sounds like your husband has an anger problem.

He needs to see the glass as at least 1/2 or 3/4 full, not half empty. I bet he has a lot
Of blessings. He just doesn't count them. 

Anger management, individual or marital counseling.

Find out why he's so unhappy with life.


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## KathyfromMich

He sees anger and letting out as healthy. But he doesn’t seem any happier when he unloads. We do have a lot of good things going in our lives. We have jobs and even the kids have part time jobs. I can go on about what’s good in our lives. Sometimes he even acknowledges it. Once he loses his temper, our world is nothing but black


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## Mr.Married

Is your husband perhaps an only child ?


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## KathyfromMich

Mr.Married said:


> Is your husband perhaps an only child ?


He is. I did mention it in an earlier post


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## Mr.Married

KathyfromMich said:


> He is. I did mention it in an earlier post


My mistake. I missed it.
The good news is you acknowledged that you guys indeed have a lot of good things going as well. I usually don’t recommend family therapy very often but it sounds like you guys need better communication skills and he needs some anger management tools.
could possibly do you guys well.

edit: Your husband needs to understand that his dislike of your brother is his problem to solve... not yours. Your stuck in the middle and that’s not fair


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## KathyfromMich

I really am stuck in the middle. For all his talk about speaking up, he never said anything to my brother all this time about his smart mouth to me or him


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## Diana7

KathyfromMich said:


> He sees anger and letting out as healthy. But he doesn’t seem any happier when he unloads. We do have a lot of good things going in our lives. We have jobs and even the kids have part time jobs. I can go on about what’s good in our lives. Sometimes he even acknowledges it. Once he loses his temper, our world is nothing but black


I lived with any angry husband for 23 years, it's horrible. Me and the children walked on eggshells and at least one of them was afraid of his moods.


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## jlg07

KathyfromMich said:


> He sees anger and letting out as healthy. But he doesn’t seem any happier when he unloads. We do have a lot of good things going in our lives. We have jobs and even the kids have part time jobs. I can go on about what’s good in our lives. Sometimes he even acknowledges it. Once he loses his temper, our world is nothing but black


So HE thinks it's healthy, but does he realize how unhealthy it is to the TARGET of his anger? Does he realize how unhealthy it is to a good relationship?
Really does sound like he needs therapy, talk to a priest/minister, SOMETHING so that he stops taking it out on YOU.


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## jlg07

KathyfromMich said:


> I really am stuck in the middle. For all his talk about speaking up, he never said anything to my brother all this time about his smart mouth to me or him


Tell him the next time he's angry at your brother: "YOU are an adult --please feel free to talk to HIM about it. Yelling at ME doesn't resolve your issue with HIM and never will"


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## examp

No, him talking with your brother will make it worse. I gather you are older than your brother and that is why he thinks you should do more. I can only say that there is no way of convincing your husband about him. So you have to look at it from that angle. You said you dont support your brother so you really can 'cut' off from him. It sounds drastic but your husband wont be satisfied with anything less. You are not to blame the victim rarely is. Time sometimes can heal but it can be a long time. I cant see you have any choice. Dont waste your time and money counselling it wont do any good.


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## leMiz

KathyfromMich said:


> He sees anger and letting out as healthy. But he doesn’t seem any happier when he unloads. We do have a lot of good things going in our lives. We have jobs and even the kids have part time jobs. I can go on about what’s good in our lives. Sometimes he even acknowledges it. Once he loses his temper, our world is nothing but black


Expressing anger is not the same as losing your temper.


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## Girl_power

To much togetherness is not good for anyone.


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