# Kids come first, a relationship stumbling block that caused me issues.



## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

I realized something a few days ago and I wanted to put it out here because I can see it possibly being an issue for someone else.. It almost cost me my relationship and in many ways was a subconscious issue for me.. 

I want to bring it out and hopefully others won't fall prey to it.

You've heard it before many of times after your divorce, your kids come first.. You might have said it during your marriage. But without a doubt it comes up a million times after your divorce.. You will say it.. Your Ex says it to you.. A person your dating will tell you that about their kids.. Your friends say it to you about your kids..

What I've discovered is my Girl Friend isn't my Ex wife.. What I mean by that is simply the following..

When you are married you deal with Sh!t with your wife that you would normally would not.. You accept and bend because they are your spouse and the mother of your kids.. You are not just going to cast them aside.. It just isn't gonna happen.. 

Unfortunately Your Girl Friend or Boy Friend isn't your spouse and because of that you might tend to take less sh!t from them because they aren't your spouse.. So that being said you can sometimes treat them very differently and even defensively and take up the sword of my kids come first sometimes instead of bending and looking to come to an understanding.. 

To me my GF as much as I love her just isn't the woman that I seen my 2 kids come out of her womb.. Basically something inside me just did not hold her to such a high regard as I did to my Ex wife ( prior to her cheating of course ).. So with that said I found it much easier to cut her loose or treat a bit more differently. 

But when she broke it off with me I was devastated.. It was like my wife leaving me all over again.. But it was different because my love for her was very different and a bit more rational and not some sort of kid love when you are in your 20s.. 

When we got to talking she explained how she felt I treated her, especially in front of my kids.. I understood but didn't grasp it until the next day.. She was right.. I treated her like dirt and sh!t and I shouldn't have.. We had a misunderstanding and instead of just grabbing her and kissing her in front of my kids or just smoothing it over I clung onto my kids instead as if I was defending them from her.. Like she was acting poorly in front of my kids and they deserved better.. 

The reality is we were 2 adults having an issue and I should have acted different to resolve the issue. 

I apologized to my 2 boys and explained to them I shouldn't have done what I did and that I should have treated her better and that they should take that as a lesson of what NOT to do with someone you love.. I made a mistake and I wasn't perfect.. But am man enough to admit my mistakes and make amends for it..

So at least for me I realized if I want a real long lasting relationship with someone that is not my Ex wife I need to treat them as if they are my wife.. That this is the person by my side for the rest of my life.. Otherwise I will treat them like a disposable item that can be tossed aside at any time.. 

I also know this comes from my insecurity of being hurt again.. 

But it was just something I didn't get even though we are dating 14 months now.. I just was always ready to cut her loose..

So yes your kids come first but your relationship has to come first if you are looking for something long lasting as well. It just takes a different effort now because the kids are already here.. Its almost like putting the cart before the horse type of thing.. Its like okay I have the kids but now I need the relationship.. When usually its the relationship is already established before you have the kids.. 

Again I hope this makes sense to someone and if someone can explain it better by all means.. I know many of us can use all the help we can get..

For me it was just something I was holding onto and not letting go which was preventing me from have a better relationship with this women.. I can look back now and see it was a hindrance sometimes.. 

Call it a leap of faith or whatever makes sense to you.. But the simple reality is you can't put your kids first ALL THE TIME and have a meaningful relationship and you can't use them as a crutch to sabotage a relationship as well. Hopefully I have shed some light for someone and you will realize it now if you didn't.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Good post and observation H2H.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Yep. It is a balancing act and the kids do not always come first.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You also can't treat your partner as if they're always a bit beneath your ex in status simply because you didn't pop out a kid with them. Nobody decent will put up with that, as I'm sure you wouldn't appreciate your gf making clear to you that you're never going to be quite as important as her ex hb.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

It is an interesting dynamic that is for sure. 

My relationship with Mr H is the best relationship I have ever had, we talk and make sure we are on the same page with all things to do with us, our respective children, blending our families and the pecking order of life.

We will marry in the next few years but not before the two older kids are finished Secondary school. We kiss in front of the kids, we disagree in front of the kids, we do not parent each others kids, we are inclusive of all the kids, they know our relationship is extremely important to us, we do not make our relationship extremely important to them. They know we love each other dearly and they also know that this does not make any difference to how much we love each of our own children.

Mr H and I do take the stance that the kids come first but it is in situations where that is the right thing to do. They are children, they are dependent on their parents, we want them to feel safe and loved. As the adults we can bend and flex and give up time with each other if the kids need some special attention. But yes it is a balancing act, we have to make time for us and at the same time cater to our children's needs, the trick is to not let the kids feel like they are taking second place.

The interesting thing for me is that at times when Mr H and I have had issues it is the thought of not putting my kids through a break up that grounds me and makes me work even harder to keep my relationship healthy and on track.


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

Great post and very eye opening.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Hmm, communication, communication,communication. 

The first thing that should be first in your life is you. Example, if your depressed, it will affect your kids. 

Yes, you should have treated her better, especially in front of your kids. Kids pick up on actions and not pick up on your words even less. They are a blank model, and so they will emulate your actions. Next time around at least you will have it in mind. 

As for the girlfriend, depends on how committed you are before you should put a relationship before them. 

As for relationships, hope for the best, and learn to maintain it, but don't have forever in mind. A part of you must be independent enough to detach when the relationship sours. Not saying don't work on your issues, but keep a healthy boundary. 

An independent you can see the whole picture better, than a emotional you. Emotions affects our perception. 

I have something I call state of void. First, I acknowledge my emotions, and own them. Second, I try to reach a neutral state of mind, where I can better analyze the situation. This is where I just process pure facts. 

Remember emotions can skew perception. When your depress, things seem more dire, but eventually you work through them, just like your last marriage. At the time, I am sure you thought you would never find happiness again. Seems to be a trend. 

Like all advice, take only what applies in your situation, after all we are not experiencing the things you are.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I think the whole kids come first thing gets misunderstood. Kids have needs because they aren't self sufficient yet. So yes their needs come first. But their wants dont get priority over anymone else. It's irresponsible parenting to put them on such a pedestal in my opinion


Dating is hard. Dating with kids is really difficult. Unfortunately some men and women treat kids of thier partner badly. I had a GF who didn't like my girls and honestly that became the deal breaker for us. So that is something that has to be observed carefully when dating


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> I think the whole kids come first thing gets misunderstood. Kids have needs because they aren't self sufficient yet. So yes their needs come first. But their wants dont get priority over anymone else. It's irresponsible parenting to put them on such a pedestal in my opinion
> 
> 
> Dating is hard. Dating with kids is really difficult. Unfortunately some men and women treat kids of thier partner badly. I had a GF who didn't like my girls and honestly that became the deal breaker for us. So that is something that has to be observed carefully when dating


I am one of the few I know, where I was not coddled. My father made me own my own mistakes,and made me face it. Even accidents, I wasn't allow to get away with. My mom made us do house chores, I was one of the few kids I knew at 12, cleaning toilets. Eventually all those things become habit. I never went without either. Funny thing, my father's side of the family is full of independent, level headed people. It was how he and his siblings were raised.


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## daddymikey1975 (Apr 18, 2009)

*Re: Re: Kids come first, a relationship stumbling block that caused me issues.*



Mr.Fisty said:


> I am one of the few I know, where I was not coddled. My father made me own my own mistakes,and made me face it. Even accidents, I wasn't allow to get away with. My mom made us do house chores, I was one of the few kids I knew at 12, cleaning toilets. Eventually all those things become habit. I never went without either. Funny thing, my father's side of the family is full of independent, level headed people. It was how he and his siblings were raised.


I do this with my kids to some extent. They all have chores they're responsible for. They're free to make decisions, but I have boundaries and consequences. We treat every mistake or poor decision as an opportunity to learn and grow. 

We play and have lots of fun together, but I'm really trying to teach them to use their brain and either find solutions to problems, or give them enough of an answer to cause then to think their way through. I want my kids to be able to think critically, and be great problem solvers. 

As a quick example, I gave my kids Popsicles. My D4 went right for the kitchen scissors, opened it, put the wrapper in the trash and went on about her business. S6 struggled a bit with the wrapper, then asked me to open it. Rather than just oblige him, I jokingly made a game out of it and prompted him to arrive at a solution, the scissors. It was real neat seeing my D4 get here's opened by using her mind to solve the problem. 

Went too far off topic. Sry. Lol


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

daddymikey1975 said:


> I do this with my kids to some extent. They all have chores they're responsible for. They're free to make decisions, but I have boundaries and consequences. We treat every mistake or poor decision as an opportunity to learn and grow.
> 
> We play and have lots of fun together, but I'm really trying to teach them to use their brain and either find solutions to problems, or give them enough of an answer to cause then to think their way through. I want my kids to be able to think critically, and be great problem solvers.
> 
> ...




Funny thing about a stable family, they find stable partners. My family has a divorce rate of 20 to 25 percent.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Funny thing about a stable family, they find stable partners. My family has a divorce rate of 20 to 25 percent.


My dad left mom after after 25 years of marriage because of an affair... Older brother wife left him after 25 years after an affair. My middle brother wife had several affairs on him before finally leaving. My wife left me after 20 years for another man. 

Part of me feels like its character flaw in the family, maybe a personality issue brought down from parents to kids thing.. I've brought that up to the therapist as well.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

In marriage, I shunned child-centered philosophies. However, in divorce, my children's _needs_ do come before 'dating'.

Not their whims or demands - their needs.

My ex-husband and I created a schedule together that was acceptable to both of us - and to our children. Knowing what's going to happen when adds stability to everyone's life. 

Stability, in my opinion, is a need for children.

Having said that though, my ex-husband travels for work. I travel for work. Stuff comes up, and the schedule gets tweaked here and there. Flexibility is also a great quality for children to learn.

And they've learned it well, considering that they have to coordinate switching houses/parents, school schedules, church schedules, social activities, etc. 

Two of them can drive and have cars. One of them still relies on being driven by others.

I'm always happy to take preferences into consideration, but a date or a boyfriend is simply not going to be given the authority or power to rearrange the dynamic that we've agreed to.

This family and this situation _came first_.

I responded to a man who posted a day or two ago, lamenting that he didn't 'have a life'. 

I disagree. 

He does have a life, which includes acknowledging that he's a divorced man with the responsibility of raising his children.

If you aren't able to find a person who accepts your life as it is, then they aren't compatible.

Those of us who're divorced aren't teenagers who get to go back to being 16 again. We were already given that opportunity, and we'll have that freedom again after our children leave home.

It's time to grow up.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

minimalME said:


> I'm always happy to take preferences into consideration, but a date or a boyfriend is simply not going to be given the authority or power to rearrange the dynamic that we've agreed to.
> 
> This family and this situation _came first_.


I agree with what you are saying.. 

I think that a serious relationship (not dating) with kids brings in a different dynamic and it requires a different thought process. 

At least for me I had a different mindset being with another woman.. Again it was a psychological issue.. For me the trauma of my divorce played a big issue with this..


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