# how long does the depression/grieving period last?



## amgib (Sep 26, 2012)

I found out about my husbands affair a little over a month ago. We are in counseling, and trying to make it work. He isn't in contact with her anymore and says he's committed to me and fixing our marriage. I'm devastated. I can hardly function. I feel so blindsided by this. I have tried so hard in our 7 years of marriage to be a good wife. I can hardly sleep, barely eat, its frustrating, I need to function.. I have 2 young children to care for, and I'm trying to the best of my ability to keep it together. Its so hard to. He has a really demanding job, and just isn't able to be there for me like I need him to be, and I'm stuck between demanding he be here and afraid that if I start demanding he will change his mind and leave. I dreamed of being married and having a family ever since I was a little girl..This is not the life I dreamed of. I feel like I've been robbed. How long does this last?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

amgib said:


> I found out about my husbands affair a little over a month ago. We are in counseling, and trying to make it work. He isn't in contact with her anymore and says he's committed to me and fixing our marriage. I'm devastated. I can hardly function. I feel so blindsided by this. I have tried so hard in our 7 years of marriage to be a good wife. I can hardly sleep, barely eat, its frustrating, I need to function.. I have 2 young children to care for, and I'm trying to the best of my ability to keep it together. Its so hard to. He has a really demanding job, and just isn't able to be there for me like I need him to be, and *I'm stuck between demanding he be here and afraid that if I start demanding he will change his mind and leave.* I dreamed of being married and having a family ever since I was a little girl..This is not the life I dreamed of. I feel like I've been robbed. How long does this last?


First. So so sorry you're here. The club no one wants to be a part of. Second, the highlighted mind set has got to change! You are the BS. He chose to cheat. HE has to fix this. HE has to do the heavy lifting. You cant operate like YOU are walking on glass so he wont leave. 

Tell us more about the situation pls. What kind of affair? EA or PA? How long. Have you verified NC? Has he told you everything.

Please give more info. so we can help


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## amgib (Sep 26, 2012)

He had a physical affair. That lasted about 6 months, with 3 of it being physical. and it happened about 2 years ago. He says he has told me everything, and he stopped it because he said he realized his love for me. I found out by her husband tracking me down and telling me what she told him (scary).


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Ok. So he didnt fess up? Not unusual. how did he react when you confronted him? Do you know all you need to know? Details? Is he forthcoming when asked about the affair?


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## amgib (Sep 26, 2012)

I called him after the husband talked to me. And he confessed all, it took most the day to get it all the details out. He doesn't like talking about it, but he does answer questions, usually I have to ask 5 times before I get a straight answer. He says it because I become distant and he doesn't want me to pull away.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

Hi amgib

So sorry to hear that you are in pain. But time will ease it. My partner cheated on me early July and the first month was horrific. The pain was paralysing. Its nearly three months later and I have accepted whas happened and have a lot more good days than bad.

But that will really depend on how remorseful your partner is He can help you heal faster if he is supportive and truely sorry for hurting you.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Unless he is fully transparent to you, you will always be questioning him. 

He had the affair and now he has to live with the guilt and the pain he caused and he does not want to he wants you to "Get Over It", by his not wanting to talk about it 

He needs to do the Heavy Lifting to show that he wants this new Marriage to continue.

You have the right to know all that you want to know for you to make the decision if you want to continue being his wife.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Hi,

I am about 4 1/2 months in after finding out and just coming out of the shock stage for maybe the last couple of weeks.

The pain has just started reducing this last week.

It's a long road, but it does get better. I have found it happens in jumps, rather than a steady slope - so I might have a *really* bad day but that seems to change something and things improve in some way directly after.

Keep posting - we at least know what you're going through and we certainly care too.


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## Hamster2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Sorry to see you here... I agree, it comes in waves. I am in 2.5 months after finding out and the pain was horrific at first, barely slept at night, still barely eating but doing better than the first weeks. I have a 4 year old that did not ask for this crap, but my WW is selfish, narcissistic and barely has any remorse. She is moving out this coming week-end, there is no reconciliation possible, not after all she has done and the lying in my face when I had proofs coming out of my ears. The unfortunate thing is that our little girl will be the main victim of her cheating.

Hang in there, it WILL get better, even if it sucks at the moment. Take care of yourself, force yourself to eat 3 meals a day even if they are small. Try to take naps when you can, see your MD if you need some relaxant to help you sleep, I did and it helped tremendously. If you can, see a councilor so that you have someone to talk to if you do not have a support network.

Hang in there and be strong, for yourself AND for children! They need you now more than ever! They did not ask for this crap.

~~~Hugs~~~


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## MoreOfaMan (Jul 25, 2012)

Move on.

If he's expecting ANYTHING from you he's not learning anything from it.

The depression and grief stops the minute you get attention from someone else btw. Unless he's completely sorry for what he's done and is prepared to do what you need of him for the loooong amount of time it will require for you to fully trust him and make it work the sack him off. Find the marriage you always wanted with someone who deserves to be with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

amgib said:


> I found out about my husbands affair a little over a month ago. We are in counseling, and trying to make it work. He isn't in contact with her anymore and says he's committed to me and fixing our marriage. I'm devastated. I can hardly function. I feel so blindsided by this. I have tried so hard in our 7 years of marriage to be a good wife. I can hardly sleep, barely eat, its frustrating, I need to function.. I have 2 young children to care for, and I'm trying to the best of my ability to keep it together. Its so hard to. He has a really demanding job, and just isn't able to be there for me like I need him to be, and I'm stuck between demanding he be here and afraid that if I start demanding he will change his mind and leave. I dreamed of being married and having a family ever since I was a little girl..This is not the life I dreamed of. I feel like I've been robbed. How long does this last?


So sorry your here. No, this, of course, is NOT what you dreamed of, it's not what any of us BS's dreamed of. Know their are MANY on here who are in your shoes, we know your pain all to well.
Know this and it's important..YOU WILL survive this, you will get through it. Time is your friend.

A month out, it's all still so raw for you. I am almost 4 months out and I still cry about every other day. BUT, it's over and done with within minutes. It's not as raw and I now have some good days with just bad moments instead of whole bad days with a few good moments.

He must be an open book for you, he must answer your questions without getting defensive. It may be 2 years ago for him, but for you it's a month ago and he has to understand that. This just happened for you!


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

amgib said:


> I found out about my husbands affair a little over a month ago. We are in counseling, and trying to make it work. He isn't in contact with her anymore and says he's committed to me and fixing our marriage. I'm devastated. I can hardly function. I feel so blindsided by this. I have tried so hard in our 7 years of marriage to be a good wife. I can hardly sleep, barely eat, its frustrating, I need to function.. I have 2 young children to care for, and I'm trying to the best of my ability to keep it together. Its so hard to. He has a really demanding job, and just isn't able to be there for me like I need him to be, and I'm stuck between demanding he be here and afraid that if I start demanding he will change his mind and leave. I dreamed of being married and having a family ever since I was a little girl..This is not the life I dreamed of. I feel like I've been robbed. How long does this last?


It has been almost a year for me, and I have already separated and filed for divorce and I still have days where I can hardly function. Other days I feel strong, though. 

I think the roller coaster can last 2 to 5 years. 

Sorry you are here.

I also was a good wife, cautious with money, faithful despite numerous temptations from wealthy single men acting interested, and my STBEH always bragged about what a wonderful low maintenance wife I was. I would never have hurt him the way he hurt me.

I too was very blindsided. I read that the more blindsided you are the more difficult it is to get past or off the roller coaster.


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

So sorry that you are here. You're only one month into it, your nerve endings are raw, and you're still being consumed with the thoughts...and it is so very devastating. But like everyone here is saying, it gets easier as time goes by. I don't know if it will ever totally go away, but does get manageable.

I'm 4 months into R. It took at least 2 and a half months before I went a day without crying. 

But even at 4, the betrayal is the first thing I think of when I wake up, and I have to force myself to get out of bed. I take at least 15 minutes every morning to talk myself into thinking positive and forward, and not allowing myself to go back and dwell. It's not easy, and not always possible. I cry a few times a week still. Only it's not just for the act of the betrayal itself anymore (mind movies and such), it's more for the fact that I will never again feel as secure and trusting as I did for so many years.
I cry for what we had (or what I thought we had).

Two months ago I never thought it'd be possible, but now - most days - I am able to smile and laugh, and be thankful that I'm alive again. 

Give yourself time. Talk it out with H when you need to, don't bottle it up. Get it out. You need to feel these feelings that you are having. It's part of the grieving process, and you have to go thru it.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

A year in since discovery and I can still barely function. He has moved out.


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## margrace (Aug 12, 2012)

6 months out from first d-day. i am at a work-related event now, taking a lunch break, and blinking back tears. the most innocent question from a colleague -- "how are you?" -- is almost more than i can handle.

comes in waves, as others have said. it's a bad wave for me now. i have not yet gotten the whole WHOLE story, which i have seen is an experience that lots of WSs on TAM have had.

the new facts are from a while back -- they had just never been disclosed in our first few rounds of supposed honesty. so now the one step forward has turned into two steps back.

i share everyone's sorrow that (((you))) had to join this club.


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