# emotional blackmail?



## nowwhat (Sep 8, 2008)

Ok, looking for some opinions on my marriage issues!

I have been married for 7 years and have a 3 1/2 year old boy. My wife has been a stay at home mom for around 4 years and I have been the sole provider. We have always had joint bank accounts from day 1 of our marriage because I felt that if we were married; we are partners in everything.....sounds great - here's the issue. 

She has always liked this arrangement because I have always earned a considerable more amount of money than she could and for the last 4 years has not had an income. 

Problem #1 - However, she is now inheriting some money and feels that she should have her own bank account and has stated that when / if she goes back to work she has the same opinion. She also is irrate if I have my own bank acount now becasue she says my income is for the Family. She says that she has grown up in the last 7 years and in this day in age, she has to be independent of a "man".

Problem #2 - To make matters worse, we bought a house a couple of months ago and used some of our emergency funds to fix it up and make the down payment under her promiss that she would take some of "her" money and replenish it. I wanted to buy a smaller house; however she said she had to have this house and she would part with some of her money. Now that the time is nearing for her to pay back the money to "our" bank account, she is saying maybe she won't do it becasue I have not treated her nicely enough.

I am having a serious issue with not trusting her and feeling used because of her what I earn is ours, and what she has is hers attitude......opinions? Please Help me come to terms with what I am feeling...........Thanks


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Oh this is not good. That money should be 50/50 in my eyes.

My wife and I have 2 bank accounts, 1 is savings, the other is our daily spending/bills etc. BOTH our names are on BOTH.

Any money we inheret goes to both of us, or mainly OUR children's future.

She sounds very selfish to me, or she already blew the money on something else and doesn't have it anymore.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Many couples argue about money but it seems your wife wants the best of both worlds. I think she is being childish here. Do you have children?

draconis


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## nowwhat (Sep 8, 2008)

One 3 1/2 yr old boy. What gets me is that I have always treated our marriage as "ours" and I have definately had more to loose than gain with this approach. She picks and chooses an "I vs we" approach depending on the situation. I am starting to wonder how life would be if I was with someone who truely felt the same way I do.....


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

I agree with you. Actually this was a basic principle if we could not have agreed on I would not have married my husband. In fact if you live in a community property state, that money is not hers, its half yours by law. Its got to be one way or the other. Its not what's hers is hers and what's yours is ours. I'm wondering what the underlying motivation is here. I have never been a SAHM but I wondered about this. Think about it, as a SAHM (or could even be SAHD) you are totally dependant on your spouse. What if they leave you, you have zero income. So maybe this is not a wanting the best of both worlds but security or feeling that something is hers. Money is a major motivator in many divorces so try to uncover the real issues if you can then find another way to resolve and compromise so you both feel good about it.


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## nowwhat (Sep 8, 2008)

I agree that she wants something to be totally hers; however there should be some kind of concession! I have thought about opening my own bank account , but that is not who I am or the kind of marriage I want....


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

AZMOMOFTWO said:


> Money is a major motivator in many divorces so try to uncover the real issues if you can then find another way to resolve and compromise so you both feel good about it.


:iagree:

SAHM- stay at home mom

This issue doesnt have to do with you. She is just going through some insecurities and has probably felt very inferior to you all these years. I think she is feeling a lack of identity. Sounds to me like she's felt controlled this whole time because she doesnt make any money. She definitely has issues of insecurity. 

You mentioned that she 'forced' you to get the bigger house. that is how she is feeling. not like partners, but like she has to force you do get what she wants. and i bet she feels guilty about it because you are the one earning the money. i bet she wants to be able to get what she wants without feeling guilty for wanting it. 

It isnt right that she wants a separate bank account but if you talk it out with her maybe she will feel more like partners in this relationship. I think she feels inferior to you and this is her way of feeling like your equal.


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## brad (Jul 31, 2008)

talk about wanting the best of both worlds. Very selfish act by her. But I would give her some time to process it. Give her a chance to make the money both of hers. By forcing her you will cause her to dig her feet in the sand even more. Wait until the emotions die down a bit. But the bottom line is she is very wrong for wanting this esp. with you being such a good provider.


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## nowwhat (Sep 8, 2008)

I really appreciate everybody's feed back - Thanks

This money issue has been going on for over a year. She has had family issues with the inheritance and it has taken some time to work out. She will not budge on her position as I have tried to talk things out with her on how I feel about the overall changes to the basic principles we had in our relationship.

She continues to use this to control me and reverses it by accusing me of only caring about money. The truth is, if I only cared about money I would of never aggreed to splitting everything when we got married! Also, her false promisses. She said she would pay back the money we borrowed from our "emergency fund" to make changes to the house. Now she is saying, she does not want to......if we need the money, it will be at her discretion, not ours because she has it in her account. She has basically took sole control of a substantial amount of money.....

What really bothers me is the lack of partnership in this relationship and the giver versus taker attitude. I feel like I am expected to always be on the giving end. 

I am having a really hard time getting past her attitude....and wanting to give her anything because I feel she is unappreciative.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I would make my own account and only pay for half of the bills.

free ride is over.

Remember in a divorce you can get half of her money.

draconis


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

what is her "goal" with that money, what does she want to do with it??? ask her that


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

It doesn't take an inheritance to give a woman a power trip, it doesn't help though. My ex-Wife left after being the sole bread winner for three months.

Ideally it would have been nice if she took over for a little bit without complaining, like I did for almost three years while my lady stayed home with our baby. I payed for everything, she had a lot of debt and so I had to take on a second and a third job for a little while just to make ends meet. 
Never once did I complain or acted like I was a bad ass or made her feel bad in anyway because of it.
Not once did I think to myself, I need and deserve my independence because I have money. 

What your Wife is trying to do is just SHADY! 

You should charge her rent if you are the only one paying the mortgage or even (depending on the laws in your state) divorce her and try and get half. Heck have her support you and your son, while you find a woman that appreciates all that you do for her.


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## nowwhat (Sep 8, 2008)

The main issue I have with her is her attititude...What else will she dream up in the future that in her mind is typical and logical......? I am tired of waking up in the morning and thinking What Now! 

Does anybody have any suggestions on how to cope to get through this emotionally? I realize that Divorce is an option ;however I have a 3 year old son that deserves to have me around full time. I do not care about the money! I am just trying to get over the way she is acting and I am being haunted by it every time I see her which sparks arguements. More or less - I feel taken advantage of. Not a great feeling for a guy who wants the best for his family.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

You are being taken advantage of. You will continue to be unless you have intervention like a councilor.

draconis


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## nowwhat (Sep 8, 2008)

Her goal is to use it for herself - Safety net, retirement, or whatever she feels fit. 

We did go to a MC; however after a 6 months, she felt that the MC did not know what "she" was talking about.....inexperienced and unprofessional. I was carefull to let her choose who we went to and I thought that would allow her some power to be more receptive to it - did not work.

I never thought I would be asking this; however when does a husband turn the other cheek or when is the appropriate battle to pick? Is this a battle worth potentially getting divorced over and dividing my son's time between two families. When I look at the consequence of a split family for my son, there seems like no battle worth that.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I think what you have to ask yourself is can you live this way. If the answer is no then you need to communicate that to her. You deserve the same rights as her. She lived off of you and used "your" money when it was in her best interest, now it would benefit you more then her and the rules are different. My wife and I have changed so many times who pays what part of the bills. I have been a house husband and her a house wife. I made 4 times what she made and she currently makes about twice what I make. We adjust here and there and both always have money at our discression. Right now she pays more in bills then I do but in the past i paid 90% of the bills. But it has always been fair.

draconis


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## nowwhat (Sep 8, 2008)

draconis,

What would you say to your wife if she told you that "earned" income is different than an "inheritance" because the earned income is meant to support a family and live off of versus an inheritance is "unexpected" money that was meant for her only?

My opinion, is that it is a very easy way for my wife to justify what she is doing. She does not / nor wants to earn money for the family right now so it is easy for her to have that opinion with no concessions for her action. Thoughts?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

MArriage is about partnership, not your and mine. I would tell the wife that if she was going to hoard the money then I wouldn't pay for anything until I had that amount saved up so that her emergancy money would have to be used until we each had equal shares.

draconis


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

Just think about it this way, how would you have handled it if it where you who had received an inheritance? Would you see it as your money or for the betterment of your family?

You know the right thing to do, and you also know that she is plain wrong. 

There is nothing that you can do to convince her otherwise but if you divorce you can (depending on what state you live in) you can get half or have her support you and your child in a manner that you both deserve.

If you stay where you are then you will stay where you are, but at least make her pay for half the mortgage and half of everything else. Don't be a chump if you don't like to be treated like one.


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