# My Controlling Daughter



## RGG1957 (Mar 26, 2014)

I have an issue with my daughter controlling my life which I have been unable, or unwilling to stop. First my daughter has an issue with authority and, I feel, is a control freak. This led her to run away with a boy she barely knew at 15, and when she returned home six weeks later she was pregnant and a mother at 16. Although I was saddened and sickened by the event, I fell in love with my new granddaughter and she has been the apple of my eye ever since. 

The problem is my daughter knows this and has used my granddaughter as leverage against me ever since to get what she wants from me. After my first marriage fell apart I met and eventually married another woman that I felt a great connection with. My now grown daughter wasn't having any part of it and was constantly bad-mouthing and putting down my new wife. I foolishly let her get away with it because whenever I would tell her she is not going to act like that towards my wife she would keep my granddaughter away from me. Sometimes for months at a time. Finally my wife had had enough and in her own way retaliated to far the other direction. Since my daughter and my mother had been so ugly to her then none of my family, including all of my grandchildren, I had five at the time, were allowed to our house. This caused a lot of problems between us. Then about a year ago my daughter called me about 1:00 AM and said she and my granddaughter had been fighting and that my granddaughter was coming to live with me. I told her she's nuts. I said I would take her for the night so things can calm down, but no way she's coming to live. My wife went beserk yelling your kids are not coming over here. If I wasn't good enough for them to come around before how come now I'm good enough for your granddaughter to live with. Again this led to an ongoing argument, which led to a seperation, which led to our divorce.

Now fast forward to this year. My daughter called me again and said my granddaughter is coming to live with me as she can't control her. I do know my granddaughter can get a mouth on her, but I don't think more or less so than a lot of teenagers, especially girls. I belive that now my daughter and her husband have 3 smaller children ages 7 thru 1 year and my daughter is ready for my oldest granddaughter, who is now 17 to be out of the house so she can focus on the other children and she uses these flair ups as justification for it.

I told my daughter again she can come for a few days but no way is she living with me. I'm 58 years old, live in a small one bedroom apartment and have been looking forward to doing the things I want to do, not what someone else wants me to. My daughter tells me well she's not living here and if she has to go into the street that's where she'll go. A few years ago my daughter pulled her out of school and started home schooling her which meant she sat infront of a computer all day. I was always sick about this. At times I felt that since my daughter got pregnant and became a mother at such an early age, she is sometimes jealous to see her daughter have the childhood she never had and resents her for it. Just my thoughts. 

Anyway now my granddaughter is with me and I'm taking her back and forth to school and to her job, which means I'm always having to adjust lunch time at my job and I'm really resnting my own daughter because I feel once again she wins. She uses my love of my granddaughter against me to get what she wants. I really don't know what to do at this point. My apartment is too small for us and I'm not ready to try to find a larger place. I can take my granddaughter back and say here, she's your kid you take care of her like you're damn well supposed to. But I know her she will turn her out. I saw her do her own mother like that. So I'm in this fearful place now. Any suggestions?


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## batsociety (Jan 23, 2015)

God, that's awful. I don't even know what to suggest. Family counseling might help but you'd have to get your daughter there to begin with.

I don't know if you're in the US, but in most states parents are obligated to provide for their child until they are 18. This means under their own roof or at least pay for their rent, food, anything they need to live. If they fail to do this, they can be pinned for neglect. The only way they could get out of it would be if a judge decides your granddaughter's behavior is horrible enough to justify their actions (it doesn't sound like it is by your post). If I were you I'd call family services in your area and explain the situation. They should be able to give you advice on where to turn.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You've set this whole thing g up by not having boundaries and demonstrating that you deserve respect in the past. You can continue doing so, or you can change. Do you have the guts to change? It won't be easy. 

Start with "No More Mr Nice Guy". It's often used for spousal relationships, but it crosses over. I suspect you'll be looking in a mirror when you read it. 

C


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Take your granddaughter to the police station & explain the situation. They will be able to inform your daughter of her parental responsibilities and possibly point out how much the state will charge her if it is needed for the state to get involved. Frankly, it sounds like the granddaughter is a chip off the old mother's block.


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## RGG1957 (Mar 26, 2014)

Thanks everyone for the advice. I suspect I have let my family, especially my daughter, run over me in the past. Yes it will be tough to stand up to her, especially if she makes my granddaughter suffer. I'm taking her back home tonight and i will tell my daughter she still has a responsibility towards her and if she shirks on this I will call the police. Only problem is my granddaughter turns 18 in April at that point there's nothing I can technically do. 

My prayers are she gets into college, even if it's a local community college and starts building a new and independent life for herself.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I realize this is a bit past the time you asked for advice. 

Assuming you have done those things, perhaps it's time for a nice sit-down with your granddaughter. Ask her how she feels about not going home. Ask how she feels about living with you. Ask what her future plans are. Tell her you'll be supportive and set those boundaries! 

If you are willing, tell her she can live with you under certain conditions - you can get a two-bedroom apartment but first off if you do that she has to commit to a full year. She has to go to school (community college, technical school - whatever) every day and has to make a serious effort to pass. If you want to insist she gets a part time job on top of that, do so. Help her get a car. Set house rules - keeping her area clean, must be home by a certain time, no drinking/drugs, no overnight guests, etc.

Maybe this is your chance to be a solid parent to this girl.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

You might be the one person who makes a huge positive impact on that girls life. 

It's only a couple more months... if you could suck it up and make it work out for this time.... you'd be the awesomest Grampa! Start talking about what she is going to do next. There are more options than community college. Job Corps (worked wonders for my son at 17), the military, Ameri-corps, trade school, etc.... 

Also, figure out ways that everything she does won't depend on you having to physically get her there. Like work and school.... school busses? Friends who drive? Work.... bicycle? Cheap car? There may be things you can do to lighten your load. You don't want her to be too dependent on you, you want her to be independent.... don't want a repeat of her mother. 

Be a strong positive role model for this girl... sounds like she can really use one. Being the best Grampa does not mean let them walk all over you.... it means being strong, having integrity, teaching morals...etc...


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