# So Many Issues



## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

I've posted about a few problems that are only the tip of the iceberg so I thought I would create a new thread where I'll just document issues I encounter along the way.

Today-
After work drove a half hour away to pick up presents at toy store and snacks at supermarket for Saturday kid's game. One present was a 2 foot long foam staff. Wife saw it and complained how she wouldn't be able to wrap it. She was honestly flustered to such an extent that she wanted to return it. I just looked at her and nodded. I know not to say anything. No thanks for going out to do these errands Just a complaint. Inflexible.

I told 6 year old kid that he needs to sleep in his own bed from now on as he's getting too old to sleep next to mommy. Wife complained that she didn't want to get up to take him back to bed. I said I would lock the door. She said she goes to sleep at midnight or later (I go to sleep earlier to get up for work) and so she would be responsible for locking the door and doesn't want to deal with bringing him to his bedroom etc. Lack of intimacy.

After kids went to sleep and I finished doing dishes, I asked whether she wanted to watch something together. She said she had to do her college homework. Yet she doesn't even have class tomorrow. Overwhelmed/too tired to spend quality time.

Finally I asked her whether we could 'do it' tomorrow because I know I have to plant the seed lest she be 'too tired' for an unplanned roll in the hay. She sighed and said she doesn't know. I just waited and she relented and said tomorrow or the day after. Pity sex possibly? LD

I really need to take time to communicate with her how I feel and how my needs aren't being met but I'm so worried about rocking the boat and making things worse I just let things slide. I have to, yet I can't bring myself to.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Phuck that!!!!

Sorry man I wish I had something better to add.

One book I suggest..."Married Mans Sex life" and it has nothing to do with sex. I also recommend you start dealing with these sh1t test your old lady is dishing out. Your attraction level gets less and less as your old lady losses more and more respect for you when you don't confront her on the way she treats you.

I also see a red flag...maybe she doesn't want to sleep with you cuz she would be cheating on her boyfriend? Have you investigated way the the lack of intimacy and disconnect. It could be her emotional needs are being met by a class mate or coworker?

The only reason I bring up the cheating is #1 the red flags I see in your post and #2 some chicks need an emotional attachment to have sex. 

One thing I believe in and sex is the glue....your marriage is coming apart...its time to get proactive by confronting the way she treats you....For me that would be the 1st boundry I would set.


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## ET1SSJonota (Dec 25, 2012)

If this is just the tip of the iceberg, then you need some serious adjustments. 

For one, I will tell you from experience that keeping it in will only make the situation worse eventually. It will build resentment and frustration. Do you regularly ignore problems in life? Probably not. Mostly because you recognize that is not a solution.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Sounds like she is comfortable with the 6 year old in bed with you two as a way to avoid intimacy. He needs to be in is own bed. Keep communicating to her that your needs are not being met. She probably isn't going to change, especially if this has been going on a long time.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

bravo29 said:


> Today-
> After work drove a half hour away to pick up presents at toy store and snacks at supermarket for Saturday kid's game. One present was a 2 foot long foam staff. Wife saw it and complained how she wouldn't be able to wrap it. She was honestly flustered to such an extent that she wanted to return it. I just looked at her and nodded. I know not to say anything. No thanks for going out to do these errands Just a complaint. Inflexible.


Ignore her and wrap the gift yourself > leave it on the table ready to go.



bravo29 said:


> I told 6 year old kid that he needs to sleep in his own bed from now on as he's getting too old to sleep next to mommy. Wife complained that she didn't want to get up to take him back to bed. I said I would lock the door. She said she goes to sleep at midnight or later (I go to sleep earlier to get up for work) and so she would be responsible for locking the door and doesn't want to deal with bringing him to his bedroom etc. Lack of intimacy.


What she "doesn't want to do"....is called PARENTING.

Show her with action. Tell her that in order for your son to sleep on his own (like he should at about this age) you will BOTH need to work on it.

Offer to get up first night, she got 2nd night. When he comes....as often he comes, you grab him and take him back to bed/deal with whatever comes.

But under NO circumstances let him into bed.

Sounds like a reasonable compromise no? She should go along with it.



bravo29 said:


> After kids went to sleep and I finished doing dishes, I asked whether she wanted to watch something together. She said she had to do her college homework. Yet she doesn't even have class tomorrow. Overwhelmed/too tired to spend quality time.
> 
> Finally I asked her whether we could 'do it' tomorrow because I know I have to plant the seed lest she be 'too tired' for an unplanned roll in the hay. She sighed and said she doesn't know. I just waited and she relented and said tomorrow or the day after. Pity sex possibly? LD
> 
> I really need to take time to communicate with her how I feel and how my needs aren't being met but I'm so worried about rocking the boat and making things worse I just let things slide. I have to, yet I can't bring myself to.


Then talk to her about lack of intimacy and how important this is not just to YOU, but also to ANY relationship. This is probably # one marriage killer around, she should not only know that, but also know how important this it to men. Truth is, intimacy is our ULTIMATE way to receive/show love..........read: she is NOT showing you LOVE.

I will NOT accept a partner that doesn't provide me with BASICS of a relationship.

She needs to know and accept that withholding intimacy is no different and almost as bad as cheating. It is VERY VERY WRONG.

This is your #1 and probably the ONLY serious issue I found. Rest are very common/normal.

Deal with it and make sure it gets addressed. If it doesn't, ask yourself "can I live like this FOREVER".

Once you answer that, take steps to get what you deserve!!! (even if it means divorce!)

DO NOT IGNORE THIS ISSUE!!! WORK ON IT AND PUT EVERYTHING ON THE LINE TO GET IT FIXED.

If you get no progress, you give her a fair warning and tell her that you are considering divorce. If she doesn't take the last warning and take action.......divorce.

All of the above is under assumption that you show her affection, initiate sex and cover 50% of your duties as a husband. Cause if you don't or are not, she might just be doing what you are doing. How often do you touch her (not sexually).....just hold her hand...hug her....tell her you love her....maybe give her massage etc etc??? How often do you just kiss her? How often do you do something romantic for her etc? This is ALL very important.

Make sure that "spending time together" does NOT means "sex" to her!!!! Cause it might be YOUR actions that are turning her off from intimacy.


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## RollerCoasterRide (Sep 8, 2014)

While i cant comment on the lack of intimacy solutions (havent found a proven method myself yet) i can say that for the errands...if they are her errands that you are doing id start by just giving an unprompted "you're welcome" to her. If she says "sorry thank u" problem solved. If she gets in a tizzy tell her she can do her own errands next time. If they are family errands tho sometimes u just gotta do it and may not always get a thanks. 

As for rocking the boat...say something. U can take 2 roads...stay quiet and nothing willchange or tell her (in a gentle non confrontational way) how u feel. Stay cool even if she gets mad...itll show who the bad guy is. Try to say things like 'when u do that i feel' rather than 'you always do this' or 'youre the one who'. Using 'you' will always start a fight. If she cant constructively talk to u then you have a clear answer that things arent going to change.


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## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

You need to go back to basics to reconnect with your wife or things will only get worse. Throw away all assumptions about your marriage and think in terms of courting her from scratch again.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

bravo29 said:


> I've posted about a few problems that are only the tip of the iceberg so I thought I would create a new thread where I'll just document issues I encounter along the way.
> 
> Today-
> After work drove a half hour away to pick up presents at toy store and snacks at supermarket for Saturday kid's game. One present was a 2 foot long foam staff. Wife saw it and complained how she wouldn't be able to wrap it. She was honestly flustered to such an extent that she wanted to return it. I just looked at her and nodded. I know not to say anything.


Why didn't you just say: "Don't worry about it, I'll wrap it". 






> _I told 6 year old kid that he needs to sleep in his own bed from now on as he's getting too old to sleep next to mommy. Wife complained that she didn't want to get up to take him back to bed. I said I would lock the door. She said she goes to sleep at midnight or later _



Simply tell your son he can't sleep with you. He's not sleeping with mommy because she doesn't come to bed until after midnight (I'm assuming his bedtime is long before midnight!). 






> _After kids went to sleep and I finished doing dishes, I asked whether she wanted to watch something together. She said she had to do her college homework. Yet she doesn't even have class tomorrow. Overwhelmed/too tired to spend quality time.
> 
> Finally I asked her whether we could 'do it' tomorrow because I know I have to plant the seed lest she be 'too tired' for an unplanned roll in the hay. She sighed and said she doesn't know. I just waited and she relented and said tomorrow or the day after. Pity sex possibly? LD_


Have you tried marriage counseling? It isn't going to necessairly make her want to spend time with you, but at least you may find out why she doesn't want to!


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

DoF said:


> Then talk to her about lack of intimacy and how important this is not just to YOU, but also to ANY relationship. This is probably # one marriage killer around, she should not only know that, but also know how important this it to men. Truth is, intimacy is our ULTIMATE way to receive/show love..........read: she is NOT showing you LOVE.
> 
> She needs to know and accept that withholding intimacy is no different and almost as bad as cheating. It is VERY VERY WRONG.


It's not so much as withholding intimacy as just not being an intimate person in general. She would be perfectly fine without being intimate the rest of her life and live her life happily. So why did I marry her in the first place? In retrospect I didn't pay enough attention. In the beginning I was often intimate and she was receptive. In other words she would never initiate but she wouldn't push me away if I initiated being non-sexually intimate with her. Over the years it has become unconformable for me to do this as it's not mutual.

That being said we are sexual intimate 2 times/per week although it's very much just the act, still not being non-sexually intimate.



DoF said:


> All of the above is under assumption that you show her affection, initiate sex and cover 50% of your duties as a husband. Cause if you don't or are not, she might just be doing what you are doing. How often do you touch her (not sexually).....just hold her hand...hug her....tell her you love her....maybe give her massage etc etc??? How often do you just kiss her? How often do you do something romantic for her etc? This is ALL very important.
> 
> Make sure that "spending time together" does NOT means "sex" to her!!!! Cause it might be YOUR actions that are turning her off from intimacy.


By being intimate I mean non-sexually. We are intimate sexually 2 times per week. Being non-sexually intimate with her is like being intimate with a robot. It's all one-way. Would she push me away? No, but it wouldn't be mutual either.

We've been to a counselor who encouraged us to be non-sexually intimate often throughout the day. With her it had the feeling of fulfilling a homework task. I need to hold hands x times, hug y times etc, ok I'll do that, she'd think.

I think this may be a lost cause because she is who she is.


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

RollerCoasterRide said:


> Try to say things like 'when u do that i feel' rather than 'you always do this' or 'youre the one who'. Using 'you' will always start a fight. If she cant constructively talk to u then you have a clear answer that things arent going to change.


That's what the counselor said. Good advice.


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

Theseus said:


> Have you tried marriage counseling? It isn't going to necessairly make her want to spend time with you, but at least you may find out why she doesn't want to!


We have and there's not much complaints on her end. She's endlessly tired, has various medical issues always cropping up. If it's not one thing it's another.

Maybe if she wouldn't go to sleep at 1am like last night she wouldn't be so tired.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

what is she doing at 1 am ?


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

what the heck is it with all these people posting that their wife sleeps with the kids??? Is this a cultural thing or something? I have never heard of it. And IF my wife tried that, at least the kid would have gotten the message to NOT screw around with Dad's bed...in no uncertain terms. A 6 year old kid can easily understand THAT.

im no head shrinker, but i think the whole concept is creepy...some freudian thing going on?


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

the guy said:


> what is she doing at 1 am ?


12-1 she's doing homework or reading blogs from the country she's from.


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> what the heck is it with all these people posting that their wife sleeps with the kids??? Is this a cultural thing or something? I have never heard of it. And IF my wife tried that, at least the kid would have gotten the message to NOT screw around with Dad's bed...in no uncertain terms. A 6 year old kid can easily understand THAT.
> 
> im no head shrinker, but i think the whole concept is creepy...some freudian thing going on?


It's definitely a cultural thing. Very common. Last night my kid slept in his own room for the first time and I cuddled with wife. Completely one sided. Not one ounce of affection on her end. Completely passive. Eventually I stopped and slept in the bed without touching. So no difference from when kid slept there either. Exactly what I expected. She is incapable of providing affection. Period.

And this happens when we're getting along quite well know.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

I think I hear some resentment in your posts @ her college classes. 
She's from another country, reads blogs from there. 
You and she don't watch the same TV. She could apparently tell you weren't into her show so she let you off the hook and watched it on her tablet.
She has good sex with you twice a week and may assume that you expect any affection will lead to sex and twice a week is enough for her.
Your wife does not like the fact that you have a young female art teacher in your home whom you chat up and attempt to help find jobs while going on a forum and not having much nice to say about your wife...
If I was her, I'd feel pretty darn lonely, misunderstood, and unloved. Perhaps you could try appreciation and affirmation for things you like about her (other than looks or hotness which are superficial and don't reach her heart and personhood)?


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

Blonde said:


> I think I hear some resentment in your posts @ her college classes.


Not that she's taking college classes, that she's spending hours and hours on them, way more than I ever did when I was at college.



Blonde said:


> She's from another country, reads blogs from there.


It's fine to read blogs, but at 12:30 at night when she could be getting some sleep?



Blonde said:


> You and she don't watch the same TV. She could apparently tell you weren't into her show so she let you off the hook and watched it on her tablet.


This is possible.



Blonde said:


> She has good sex with you twice a week and may assume that you expect any affection will lead to sex and twice a week is enough for her.


This is possible so I should emphasize that that won't be the case. However, she really doesn't like giving affection at all. Not out of spite or being angry etc, that's just her nature.



Blonde said:


> Your wife does not like the fact that you have a young female art teacher in your home whom you chat up and attempt to help find jobs while going on a forum and not having much nice to say about your wife...


That's possible but I do thank her every day for making food etc. As for the teacher I feel guilty for paying so little for lessons so I feel obligated to help in what ways I can. You'll be happy to know that the past two weeks I haven't helped her at all.



Blonde said:


> If I was her, I'd feel pretty darn lonely, misunderstood, and unloved. Perhaps you could try appreciation and affirmation for things you like about her (other than looks or hotness which are superficial and don't reach her heart and personhood)?


I do thank her every day for making dinner etc does that count? I also thank her for doing other things.

It's hard being warm to a cool person. Honestly. You can only give so much until you reflect on why you keep giving without getting in return.

That being said you make good points. I think this is similar to what my counselor would say.


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## IcePrincess28 (Aug 4, 2014)

bravo29 said:


> It's definitely a cultural thing. Very common. Last night my kid slept in his own room for the first time and I cuddled with wife. Completely one sided. Not one ounce of affection on her end. Completely passive. Eventually I stopped and slept in the bed without touching. So no difference from when kid slept there either. Exactly what I expected. She is incapable of providing affection. Period.
> 
> And this happens when we're getting along quite well know.


I'm really starting to notice more and more- the correlation to being Asian and having intimacy issues. TAM, don't jump on me with stories of being asian and having a wonderful sex life- correlation does not being causation. I myself, have a great sex life- but sometimes, I feel its more of a duty. I robotically remind myself of what my mother has accidentally infused in me- and I force myself to be different. 

The end result? I'm always pleased that I let go  

OP- I have major problems with innately showing affection. Rather, I remind myself to give/distribute/ration out affection. I date Caucasian men, and my kids' dad is caucasian- bc its a good balance for me and my kids. They get loads of affection, as well as a "good" education 

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/wor...ning-it-into-the-land-of-rising-celibacy.html

I would research collectivist vs individualistic 

Collectivist- being more of the general marriage style of asian cultures, and individualistic- more for US/Europe

What Are Collectivistic Cultures?

You would think that, marriage then, would be considered, as working towards the greater good- but often, traditional asians are not instilled with sex for pleasure. My mother, my best friend's mother- and many others- were exactly this way. They stopped having sex after a child was conceived. And would have sex very rarely after that. 

I am not that way- but my mother is my mother. As stated before- I have to REMIND myself to have sex. But have NEVER regretted doing so


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## IcePrincess28 (Aug 4, 2014)

P.s. are you asian? 

Regardless, it does not matter. You are unhappy- and she needs to figure out a compromise- cultural dissonance or not. I compromise everyday- bc I chose to date someone whose cultural dissonance- has given me major perks in life. 

I constantly must do things outside my comfort zone- but in doing so- my walls are coming down. And i'm relatively a more emotionally fulfilled person- despite my robotic tendencies. 

Your example of her immediate reaction of how difficult it would be to wrap such an odd shape- would've been my reaction. Its the logic that jumps out- bc I forget to think- WOW< that was very thoughtful that my man took the time to do this. So today- the ever learning and ever changing me, would state both- 

1) I really like your involvement! Thats a cool gift. (compliment, even if i do not mean it)
2) How do you recommend we wrap this?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

bravo29 said:


> It's not so much as withholding intimacy as just not being an intimate person in general. She would be perfectly fine without being intimate the rest of her life and live her life happily. So why did I marry her in the first place? In retrospect I didn't pay enough attention. In the beginning I was often intimate and she was receptive. In other words she would never initiate but she wouldn't push me away if I initiated being non-sexually intimate with her. Over the years it has become unconformable for me to do this as it's not mutual.
> 
> That being said we are sexual intimate 2 times/per week although it's very much just the act, still not being non-sexually intimate.


I understand, it happens.

It sounds like you 2 are not compatible. It's time to recognize that and accept it.

I would move on, UNLESS she is willing to change and recognize that it's important to you and adjust.

Give her a chance (although it sounds like she already had chances). 

Tell her this is a deal breaker and you will end the relationship (if it is of course).



bravo29 said:


> By being intimate I mean non-sexually. We are intimate sexually 2 times per week. Being non-sexually intimate with her is like being intimate with a robot. It's all one-way. Would she push me away? No, but it wouldn't be mutual either.
> 
> We've been to a counselor who encouraged us to be non-sexually intimate often throughout the day. With her it had the feeling of fulfilling a homework task. I need to hold hands x times, hug y times etc, ok I'll do that, she'd think.
> 
> I think this may be a lost cause because she is who she is.


Correct, unfortunately.

That sounds weird. I wouldn't remain with a woman like that. Heck I would feel guilty, like I was raping her or something.

I think it's time to accept your differences and end it. If you do decide to do it, talk to her and tell her you guys should take the best/simplest/easiest road (hopefully that doesn't involve lawyers take BOTH of your money).

Good luck


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

IcePrincess28 said:


> http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/wor...ning-it-into-the-land-of-rising-celibacy.html
> 
> You would think that, marriage then, would be considered, as working towards the greater good- but often, traditional asians are not instilled with sex for pleasure. My mother, my best friend's mother- and many others- were exactly this way. They stopped having sex after a child was conceived. And would have sex very rarely after that.


That pretty much sums it up quite well. She could take it or leave it and be perfectly fine either way.


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

IcePrincess28 said:


> P.s. are you asian?


I'm Caucasian.



IcePrincess28 said:


> Regardless, it does not matter. You are unhappy- and she needs to figure out a compromise- cultural dissonance or not. I compromise everyday- bc I chose to date someone whose cultural dissonance- has given me major perks in life.


She does compromise hence us having sex twice a week.


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

DoF said:


> It sounds like you 2 are not compatible. It's time to recognize that and accept it.


Financially that's not possible at this stage.



DoF said:


> I would move on, UNLESS she is willing to change and recognize that it's important to you and adjust.


She has compromised since we have sex twice a week.



DoF said:


> Tell her this is a deal breaker and you will end the relationship (if it is of course).


I wish I could but I couldn't support her + kids plus myself with m income alone. Once (if) she goes back to work I can prepare for it but not now unfortunately.



DoF said:


> That sounds weird. I wouldn't remain with a woman like that. Heck I would feel guilty, like I was raping her or something.


She does orgasm (multiple times even) so it's not that bad.



DoF said:


> I think it's time to accept your differences and end it. If you do decide to do it, talk to her and tell her you guys should take the best/simplest/easiest road (hopefully that doesn't involve lawyers take BOTH of your money).
> Good luck


Thanks, that's very true. One of these days I will probably have this conversation with her.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

There's a book called, "Getting the Love You Want" by H. Hendrix. I think you need to come to understand what it is you both want out of your marriage and start aligning your visions for a happy marriage. You both need to start understanding each other more.

As for the tiredness issue. You are right. She is slowly killing herself with lack of sleep. It's hard to make a person do what you want for the sake of their own health, pretty much impossible. I'm not sure why she would need to study late into the night, it sounds like she has daytime for that stuff. As for staying on forums, I know that I used to sit at the computer until late, tired but too listless to get up and go to bed until it got to the point of exhaustion. I was trying to match DH but it's proven that women need more sleep than men, and my lack of sleep was causing me all sorts of problems. Tired ALL THE TIME. Now, since I've been looking after myself better, I go to bed early, get up early, actually get through half a day before I start to feel tired again. A big improvement for me.


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