# How should I tell her I want a divorce



## Out of love (Apr 14, 2013)

Here is my story, been married for 22 years, plus 6 of dating, I am 46 now. for the last three years I have stopped feeling love for my wife, we stopped having sex almost after our daughter was born 9 years ago. The only four or five pecker kisses that we give each other a day, I do not feel anything. I love my daughter but i can't keep living like this, this lie. How should I tell her i want out, because we don't argue much, almost nothing, when she complains about something I did, I just shut up and take it. I don't think she knows how unhappy I am, and to be honest I do not want to talk with her about it. 
I am going to start seeing a therapist, I need somebody to talk about it, I can't talk to my elderly parents, they would probably get hurt by this too, and don't have any good friend I can discuss this with.
The guilt of destroying this marriage, hurting my wife, my child,my parents is too much. But I am decided to do it. I though of waiting until after my daughter's birthday in a couple of months.
I'd like to know if anybody has any similar experience, and to see how you handle it.
Thank you all


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

How about"Dear, we need to talk, I want to end this marriage, I am not happy and I want to live a new life."


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Out of love said:


> Here is my story, been married for 22 years, plus 6 of dating, I am 46 now. for the last three years I have stopped feeling love for my wife, we stopped having sex almost after our daughter was born 9 years ago. The only four or five pecker kisses that we give each other a day, I do not feel anything. I love my daughter but i can't keep living like this, this lie. How should I tell her i want out, because we don't argue much, almost nothing, when she complains about something I did, I just shut up and take it. I don't think she knows how unhappy I am, and to be honest I do not want to talk with her about it.
> I am going to start seeing a therapist, I need somebody to talk about it, I can't talk to my elderly parents, they would probably get hurt by this too, and don't have any good friend I can discuss this with.
> The guilt of destroying this marriage, hurting my wife, my child,my parents is too much. But I am decided to do it. I though of waiting until after my daughter's birthday in a couple of months.
> I'd like to know if anybody has any similar experience, and to see how you handle it.
> Thank you all


My first thought here is how do you know your wife is happy? I guess it can happen where one spouse is happy and the other is miserable but usually if one is unhappy so is the other. No sex in years and a few pecks suggest she's not really into you either. Why not sit your wife down and ask her if she's happy? Maybe you can then segue that into a discussion about how you feel. You still have to coparent so it's important that you try to communicate with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Would you feel better if you tried all reasonable attempts to rescue the marriage? It may or may not be successful, but if you make a good effort to rebuild the marriage and it fails, you can know you did everything within your power.


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## Out of love (Apr 14, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> My first thought here is how do you know your wife is happy? I guess it can happen where one spouse is happy and the other is miserable but usually if one is unhappy so is the other. No sex in years and a few pecks suggest she's not really into you either. Why not sit your wife down and ask her if she's happy? Maybe you can then segue that into a discussion about how you feel. You still have to coparent so it's important that you try to communicate with her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What if she says she is unhappy but want to work it out? I really am past that. Wouldn't it hurt her more? I do not love her, but that doesn't mean I want to do evil on her. She is still my daughter's mother.


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## Goldfinch (Jan 22, 2013)

If I was your wife, and if I wasn't in denial, I wouldn't be surprised if you told me that you want out. I haven't had a great marriage in years, but I still had sex with my husband. I felt that if I was going to stay with him I should show him at least a little affection. Have you two talked about the fact that you haven't had sex in 9 years? I mean, that is a long time. Neither of you thought to seek help in that time?

I think she must know how unhappy you are, and she is most likely unhappy as well.

It is going to hurt, no matter how you tell her. It will hurt her, and you, and your daughter, but if you feel that you (and she) will be happier apart, it may be best for everyone. Maybe she wants out too, but is too afraid to say anything to you.

You are both in your 40s and you both deserve to be happy. Whether that is together, apart, or with new partners, whatever...it sounds like communication needs to happen here. And that is easy for me to say, but like you, I haven't done it. I waited until my husband betrayed me, and now I feel like I can tell him that I want to leave. I feel justified. But you don't need to wait, don't do what I did. Face the feelings, and don't accuse her or blame her for anything, just tell her how you feel. Be kind. Use "I" statements.

Good luck.


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## Out of love (Apr 14, 2013)

Goldfinch said:


> If I was your wife, and if I wasn't in denial, I wouldn't be surprised if you told me that you want out. I haven't had a great marriage in years, but I still had sex with my husband. I felt that if I was going to stay with him I should show him at least a little affection. Have you two talked about the fact that you haven't had sex in 9 years? I mean, that is a long time. Neither of you thought to seek help in that time?
> 
> I think she must know how unhappy you are, and she is most likely unhappy as well.
> 
> ...


thank you Goldfinch, it is great to see others in the same position,your comment made feel I am in company, yes we talk about the sex part, she thinks I should seek help, but I haven't because I know it's because she does not excite me,she is not fat nor ugly, I just don't want to. I don't know if I should talk first about this unhappiness, and few weeks later tell her the bad news. Only comfort I have is that I have not had sex with her without loving her.


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## Goldfinch (Jan 22, 2013)

Ouch. I have had sex with my husband for years...despite the fact that he does not excite me either. Do you think that is worse than not having sex with him at all? I never thought about it that way.

But we have not had sex since November, when he dropped the bombshell that I won't get into here. Now I sleep in a different room, and he hasn't wanted to talk about it. Well, he hasn't brought it up, and neither have I.

Do you know why you don't love your wife anymore, and don't feel excited by her? Do you think that is something that can change?

I don't mean to pry...and you don't have to give a reason, just yes or no, if you are willing to share.

I think you should definitely talk about your unhappiness, it would open the door to some good communication. She should know how you are feeling.


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## Out of love (Apr 14, 2013)

Goldfinch said:


> Do you know why you don't love your wife anymore, and don't feel excited by her? Do you think that is something that can change?


Sorry, if I said something you felt it was hurtful, (The "OUCH" at the beginning of your post) english is not my first language. 
The thing is that for women is easier to have sex with no desire, for men, if "things" don't work out, we just simply can't.
Yes I know why slowly I stopped loving her, the way she handles arguments, when, no matter what, I am always at fault, even if the reasons are things that I did years ago, that is also the reason why she does not have any fault in any the new argument, if.
I complaint of something, I always end up being at fault for feeling that way. I always wanted something more exciting, she was hurrying me to finish quickly (talking sex here), she always critics me and I can't do the same to her because she reacts to it badly, she makes me feel that I am no good for anything, I feel that when my daughter was born I put all the live I have on her instead of my wife. For years I did not complaint, I was Ok with all that, but from about 3 years ago I can't hold it that well.
The thing is that I may have wanted to do something a few years ago, but didn't, I guess I thought time would fix it. Now I just do not want to.


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## Goldfinch (Jan 22, 2013)

No worries, I tend to be overly sensitive. Thank you for explaining, I understand now.

I'm sorry that things have been bad for you in the marriage for quite a while. I hope that you can find a way to tell your wife how you are feeling, I think you might feel relieved when it is all out in the open.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

What have you tried? Have you read any books for yourself? Have you read any books on relationships?

I believe love can be rekindled, as can passion. It may not be always possible. If you two once had love and passion you might be able to get it back.

The first place to look is at yourself. Are you eating healthy, getting exercise, avoiding excessive alcohol or other substances? Are you depressed? Do you have adequate relationship skills? In what ways can you improve yourself (for your self not for her)?

Have you two tried marriage counseling?

If you are at the point where you have lost hope and are ready to divorce, do you think it would be easier for you to tell her alone or perhaps in a safe place such as a marriage counselor's office?


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