# Frustrated, Angry, Wanting to leave...



## Ctn594 (May 25, 2009)

Married for 16 years, we have known each other for 19 years and we have three boys. This was truely one of my 1st long term relationships so honestly I didn't know to what to even expect a relationship to be, but I guess that is know excuse. Sex has always been an issue ever since we both have know each other. From my perspectative I thought if you love someone deep in side, have somewhat of an attraction torwards them physically and mentally that somehow this would work its way out. Back in 1991 I bought my wife a beautiful diamond ring and proposed to her. She said yes and we planned to get married. There were many times that it appeared my wife wanted to break up with me, but somehow we stayed together. Then 9 months before we planned to get married she cheated on me with a co-worker and broke my heart. Obviously something was missing in our relationship that made her cheat on me. I broke everything off and took a vacation by myself to Florida to escape the pain. Somehow we started talking to each other again and she came down to Florida with me and we proceeded to get married some 9 months later.

A little about myself. I'm a decent looking guy, average size down below and I absolutely commited to pleasuring my wife in a sexual or for that matter any non-sexual way. For the past 16 years something between us has been missing. We have argued, screamed, and yelled over this time after time. 

I truely love my wife, but over the last year I have become very resentful, depressed, violent (Destroying household items) and angry over this ingredent missing from our marriage. Many times I have come across in a nice and openly trying to communicate without any attempt of making this a full scale arguement. There has been times that my wife has said to me to that I just don't do it (sexually for her) and that we are not sexually compatiable. If you could imagine how this made me feel... To me this was crushing and so hurtful... Obviously has to be some truth behind this. She says it with such coldness and as matter of fact its scary. She has no clue how this has destoyed me as a man. She doesn't ever want to try counseling. There has been times that we tried to meet in the middle, but has recently has yesterday she said that my middle is making her miserable. She says she feels a constant expectation around me that I always want sex. She says after sex I will be alright for up to 3 days and then I get moody. She says that these expectations (sex) are driving her away from me and that she can't stand being around me. She also says that everytime I do someting for her that I expect someting back. I could she her side that she might be partially right about some of these things except the point of expecting something back I do things for her because I love her ad want to make her happy. The sad part about this is its just not me being a man is wanting me to have sex, its my wife who completely turns me on...

My biggest problem of this whole situation is not the lack of effection or sex its her reaction and coldness torwards me when I attempt to bring this to her attention. She calls me needy, says sex isn't so important and completely ignores my feelings. She said she just isn't in the mood and thats it. She never makes alone time and has flat out told me the kids come before me. She says I out to much pressure on her about this. Maybe I do, but I'm so hurt I can't even feel what is right or wrong anymore... Besides this topic I treat her well and always look out for her well being...

I brought up to her the idea of getting divorced and she will not because of the kids. I honestly don't want to, but I hurt so much inside from this. My work is suffering, my duties as a father are suffering... 

What goes on in a woman's head about wanting to have sex with her partner? I feel if I do lay off the topic she will never show any effection. Why is this so difficult? Why no counseling?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

To begin to unravel this both of you should read "The 5 Languages of Love" to determine what each of your love languages are. Very likely they are not the same. Yours is obviously physical touch. You need to discover hers.


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## BuddyL33 (Jul 16, 2009)

Amplexor said:


> To begin to unravel this both of you should read "The 5 Languages of Love" to determine what each of your love languages are. Very likely they are not the same. Yours is obviously physical touch. You need to discover hers.


I agree. You both need to read this book. You also should each get a copy of, "Love Dare" (2 copies are required because you journal in the book while reading it). Both are incredible tools and could help your situation. Hopefully both of you will approach reading them with open minds.


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## Ctn594 (May 25, 2009)

Thanks for the suggestions. I brought this up to my wife an she refused to read a book on this topic. She said the book is not going to put her in the mood. 

After a full hour of argueing see proceeded to tell me that the reason she is not in the mood is because she has never felt this with me, ever! No stresses from the kids her job that she use to work, just me. Although she has thrown insults at me before this she says is the Gods honest truth. She says she just doen't feel it inside for me even when we 1st met, but in every other apsect she loves me. To me if she truely loved me she would of not broke my heart they way she just did. I feel so empty and helpless inside as I write this. I told her that I can't stay together and this would lead to divorce. How the hell do you marry someone who you have no sexually attraction to at all? She keeps repeating to me that its something chemical inside of her that I don't make it happen for her. I'm crushed...


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

It is very possible she doesn't feel this way about you because she doesn't feel love from you. You don't give her her love language. Read the book on your own to see if it gives you any insight to what tells her you love her. It can still help and if you better communicate to her you love her she may be more receptive to you and enjoy sex more. Certainly worth a shot.


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## Ctn594 (May 25, 2009)

Well I put out a For Sale by Owner sign right after this all went down this afternoon and went out. I came back 2 hours later and the sign was back in the garage. I asked my wife and she said I needed to discuss this with my children first. So I grabbed all 3 together and told them that unfortunely we were going to sell the house and get a divorce. My wife then tells me that I have no plan as usual because the bathroom upstairs is not finished and the lawn needs to be mowed. Then of course I get insulted that I can't handle the truth and pour me. WTF? She crushes me then turns it around on me?


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## Ctn594 (May 25, 2009)

dellybeanhead said:


> I've got a very similar problem. she busy's herself with all sorts of un necessary crap to avoid me and she had another man (during a time apart) before we got married.
> 
> My wife finally agreed to go and see a councellor together. The councellor said we have a lovely marriage and relationship and sex would be the cherry on top. true.
> 
> ...


I feel for you and your situation. How could females do this us guys? I know we each have different situations, but she can't find any good in me looks wise or inside to mustard up a sexual attraction?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Ctn594 said:


> Well I put out a For Sale by Owner sign right after this all went down this afternoon and went out.


All I can say is Wow! I'd have to agree with your wife. If your plan was to announce to the kids that the family was breaking up by doing this then it was a pretty poor plan. I'd hazard to guess the problems in the marriage go a lot deeper than the lack of sex and that there's a lot of the story we've not gotten. The withholding of sex is more likely a symptom than a root cause for the issues. Based on this act and the fact you've already admitted to violent actions I would think some anger management counseling might be of more benefit to the family. Have you ever considered it? Has anyone suggested it?


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## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

Chemistry is not a choice. If you will both decide to COMMUNICATE and then discuss explicitly HOW TO TURN EACH OTHER ON, I believe you will find more success. It may involve changing behaviors, attitudes, dress, actions, or in some cases, things like weight and hygiene. 

The good news: most people still respond to the ON button - just have to locate it...



Ctn594 said:


> I feel for you and your situation. How could females do this us guys? I know we each have different situations, but she can't find any good in me looks wise or inside to mustard up a sexual attraction?


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

procrastination and broken commitments = booty blockers. its not always about looks for us gentlemen... I would give my husband a bj for repairing the kitchen cabinet before I would if he left it unbroken and dolled himself up... just a little advice... lotta women respond to responsible actions rather than laziness. Piled up resentments and lack of respectful communication are what pollute an otherwise perfect match.
Chances are what she is nagging you about might possibly be the reason you have more dates with rosey palms.  turn off emotions and listen to each other!!!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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