# Separated wife won't let go. I can't fully let go until she does.



## ileft (May 3, 2013)

I left my wife over a month ago mainly due to her emotionally abusive nature. Although it's been difficult at times, I'm already amazed at how much I've learnt about myself in this short period and this has made it easier for me to realize that I could well be perfectly fine on my own.

My wife, however, is still desperately holding on. I spoke to her last week and she has told me about how she's in depression and she's working hard on her issues and is determined to change. She says she's doing all this to save our marriage and she feels like we need to work together instead of her doing it on her own while I'm already trying to move on.

It's really hard for me to fully let go and feel truly separated when I know in the back of my mind that my wife is still hanging on and on and on, refusing to let go. Will we ever get to the stage when both of us can realize that the marriage wasn't working and to let go completely?


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Probably not at the same time.

Are you doing things to make her think there is still a chance? 

Taking her phone calls and spending a lot of time listening and discussing?


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## torani (May 6, 2013)

It sounds like your wife is under the impression that your marriage is still salvageable. If you are 100% sure you are done with the marriage then all you can do is tell her so. If she feels in anyway that you may still have any doubts she will keep holding on. You'll just need to tell her, Its OVER and I am moving on. Tell her your past fixing it or reconciliation and that she also needs to move on.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

ileft said:


> I left my wife *over a month ago* mainly due to her emotionally abusive nature. Although it's been difficult at times, I'm *already* amazed at how much I've learnt about myself in this short period and this has made it easier for me to realize that I could well be perfectly fine on my own.
> 
> My wife, however, is *still* desperately holding on. I spoke to her last week and she has told me about how she's in depression and she's working hard on her issues and is determined to change. She says she's doing all this to save our marriage and she feels like we need to work together instead of her doing it on her own while I'm already trying to move on.
> 
> It's really *hard for me to fully let go* and feel truly separated when I know in the back of my mind that my wife is still hanging on and on and on, refusing to let go. Will we ever get to the stage when both of us can realize that the marriage wasn't working and to let go completely?


You use words like "still" to illustrate to us the long period of time it's taking your wife to get past this. Then you say "already" to show us how fast you've learned you've learned about yourself in such a short period. 

The fact is, "over a month" is a very short time to get over the demise of a marriage. Even emotionally abusive people can hurt. I think your expectations are too high. Plus, you go on to say that even you can't fully let go until she does. How can you expect her to let go if you can't? 

How long were you married? Are there kids involved? How was she abusive? What are other reasons for separating?


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## zappy (Jun 7, 2013)

I agree with Ceegee...

One month is too short of time....


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## ileft (May 3, 2013)

Ceegee said:


> You use words like "still" to illustrate to us the long period of time it's taking your wife to get past this. Then you say "already" to show us how fast you've learned you've learned about yourself in such a short period.
> 
> The fact is, "over a month" is a very short time to get over the demise of a marriage. Even emotionally abusive people can hurt. I think your expectations are too high. Plus, you go on to say that even you can't fully let go until she does. How can you expect her to let go if you can't?
> 
> How long were you married? Are there kids involved? How was she abusive? What are other reasons for separating?


Been married for 10 years. To an outsider a month might seem like a short time, but when you've been living daily with someone for 10 years, a month can seem like a very long time to be away from that person!

We don't have kids and she was a borderline, so I think you can imagine the sort of emotional abuse I endured during our marriage.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

torani said:


> It sounds like your wife is under the impression that your marriage is still salvageable. If you are 100% sure you are done with the marriage then all you can do is tell her so. If she feels in anyway that you may still have any doubts she will keep holding on. You'll just need to tell her, Its OVER and I am moving on. Tell her your past fixing it or reconciliation and that she also needs to move on.


I agree with this. If you KNOW that you are done, you need to communicate that to her. I realize that you are probably very concerned with not trying to hurt her further, but you do her no favors by listening and sympathizing. You are going to have to be the one to cut the cord and put distance between you. Dont text back immediately when she texts you. Dont take her calls. If it is something that you really need to know about, she will leave you a voicemail and you can screen her calls this way. It may feel cruel, but you will be doing her a favor in the long run. Dont give her false hope.


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## tiamaria02 (Jun 18, 2013)

Abuse is abuse no matter what it is. I think you need to tell your wife straight up that there is no saving your marriage at this point and time and she needs to let go of the concept. I also see that you've been separated for a month, so you could still be coming to terms with a lot of things, so don't do anything completely rash. I also don't believe you should get back with her, I couldn't trust anyone who abused me physically, mentally or emotionally.

I think over time, you will learn to 'let go', maybe it's best just to try and fix yourself, without having contact with her in any way. After a few months of counseling, you may see things in a different light or may want to file for divorce. Either way, everything is new to you now, so embrace it and get help, talk to someone you trust or a professional. Then you can make all the decisions in the world. 

Good luck!


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

Married 17, and it was mentally abusive. However, it has been 2 months since we both moved and I can clearly say it is not long enough to be completely fine with all of the changes. 10 years is a long time and it is going to take a while for BOTH of you to find normal again.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

ileft said:


> Been married for 10 years. To an outsider a month might seem like a short time, but when you've been living daily with someone for 10 years, a month can seem like a very long time to be away from that person!
> 
> We don't have kids and she was a borderline, so I think you can imagine the sort of emotional abuse I endured during our marriage.


I've been married for 14 years and together for almost 18, so I get it. A month is a long time to be apart from someone that you've been so close to. 

However, that wasn't your point nor mine. You were saying "it's been over a month..." and "will we ever...". As if your wife should just get over it already.

I was suggesting that 1 month is a short time to be expected to let go of someone you've been together with for so long.

Was she diagnosed as BPD? 

Would you mind sharing some examples of the emotional abuse?


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## ileft (May 3, 2013)

Ceegee said:


> Was she diagnosed as BPD?


Not officially. But she has a solid 6 (and arguably 7 or 8) or the 9 behavioural traits of someone with BPD. My counsellor has agreed that her behaviour does closely resemble some with BPD (albeit strictly from my descriptions, not meeting her personally).



Ceegee said:


> Would you mind sharing some examples of the emotional abuse?


Mostly typical BPD stuff like raging (especially, but not limited to, related to fear of abandonment e.g. me being late, not answering her calls), crazy making, flipping out over an innocent remark, constant criticisms, nothing I ever do being good enough, etc.

Actually, you could probably just skip to 4:14 of this video and it will describe almost perfectly my relationship with my wife during my 10 years of marriage:
Personality disorders of a dangerous woman - YouTube


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

It's only been a month. Stay the course. 

Things will become more clear.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Well since you made the decision to separate, then that means you have been mentally preparing yourself for it for quite a while...and I am sure it was a long process in the final decision to end it. For her, she hasn't gone through that mourning process...it will help you to be very clear and direct, especially with someone with a possible personality disorder...as it is very difficult for them to accept concrete realities. And if you are still making connections with her on an emotional level...the make sure you have stopped it entirely (you probably have, but just make sure that you are very clear about your intentions..and that you are past reconciliation).


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

ileft said:


> Not officially. But she has a solid 6 (and arguably 7 or 8) or the 9 behavioural traits of someone with BPD. My counsellor has agreed that her behaviour does closely resemble some with BPD (albeit strictly from my descriptions, not meeting her personally).
> 
> 
> 
> ...


All too familiar. If true, there's no shame in letting go. 

If you haven't already, search some posts from Uptown.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

FormerSelf said:


> Well since you made the decision to separate, then that means you have been mentally preparing yourself for it for quite a while...and I am sure it was a long process in the final decision to end it. For her, she hasn't gone through that mourning process...it will help you to be very clear and direct, especially with someone with a possible personality disorder...as it is very difficult for them to accept concrete realities. And if you are still making connections with her on an emotional level...the make sure you have stopped it entirely (you probably have, but just make sure that you are very clear about your intentions..and that you are past reconciliation).


If BPD it doesn't matter. All the norms go out the window. This will be a very long process.


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## catcalls (Oct 31, 2012)

It is obvious that you have a great sense of relief after leaving her. bluntly put, she is not your problem anymore emotionally. you can have once last talk with her and tell her she needs to seek help for herself and instruct her that you will only communicate on divorce/admin matters over email and not take her calls.

you be consistent in how you deal with her. she will get the message eventually. when will your divorce come through?


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Ceegee said:


> If BPD it doesn't matter. All the norms go out the window. This will be a very long process.


You can start with this.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-official-im-getting-divorced.html#post811909


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## ileft (May 3, 2013)

catcalls said:


> It is obvious that you have a great sense of relief after leaving her. bluntly put, she is not your problem anymore emotionally. you can have once last talk with her and tell her she needs to seek help for herself and instruct her that you will only communicate on divorce/admin matters over email and not take her calls.
> 
> you be consistent in how you deal with her. she will get the message eventually.


I wish it was that easy. While, yes, in a way, it has been a relief not to have to deal with being the caretaker of a person with BPD anymore, the fact is I became a caretaker for a reason and that is because, for whatever reason, I was psychologically predisposed (maybe childhood issues) and groomed (by my wife) to be a caretaker.

And if you've ever become the caretaker of a person with BPD or NPD, you will know that there is a certain element of stockholm syndrome involved i.e. yes, you acknowledged you were abused, but you still identify and feel connected to your abuser, you very much still care about your abuser.



catcalls said:


> when will your divorce come through?


Haven't thought that far ahead yet. Where I live, there is a minimum 12-month separation period before you a couple can begin divorce proceedings.


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## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

ileft said:


> I wish it was that easy. While, yes, in a way, it has been a relief not to have to deal with being the caretaker of a person with BPD anymore, the fact is I became a caretaker for a reason and that is because, for whatever reason, I was psychologically predisposed (maybe childhood issues) and groomed (by my wife) to be a caretaker.
> 
> *And if you've ever become the caretaker of a person with BPD or NPD, you will know that there is a certain element of stockholm syndrome involved i.e. yes, you acknowledged you were abused, but you still identify and feel connected to your abuser, you very much still care about your abuser.*
> 
> ...


You are the one wanting out... If you are going to use excuses for not letting go of her, why would you write a thread complaining that she won't let go of you?

Either stick with her, using the bolded as an excuse for doing so, or find the strength to walk away and stand firmly by that decision. 

Once you've done that.. go to IC and figure out why you became a caregiver that will accept that kind of behaviour from a spouse.


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## catcalls (Oct 31, 2012)

ileft said:


> I wish it was that easy. While, yes, in a way, it has been a relief not to have to deal with being the caretaker of a person with BPD anymore, the fact is I became a caretaker for a reason and that is because, for whatever reason, I was psychologically predisposed (maybe childhood issues) and groomed (by my wife) to be a caretaker.
> 
> And if you've ever become the caretaker of a person with BPD or NPD, you will know that there is a certain element of stockholm syndrome involved i.e. yes, you acknowledged you were abused, but you still identify and feel connected to your abuser, you very much still care about your abuser.
> 
> ...


that would be the case when you were married to her. you have after all broken free of the shackles enough to separate and work towards a divorce.

knowing your own psychology, it is all more important to minimise contact and seek help to overcome your weaknesses.

hence you need to be extra strict and find external support and develop habits which make sure you are not sucked into her world again.

habits could include 

*not taking her calls
*not visiting her
*not chatting with her 
*not having her on facebook or other social networks
*not interacting with her friends/family
*using a lawyer to communicate important matters
*using email to communicate and keep the communication brief and to the point and not responding to her emotional responses


basically consider yourself an addict who has to go cold-turkey. use your family/friends, doctors/ICs etc to help you on this path.

by doing that you are not being cruel to her. you are forcing her to evaluate her behaviour and if she still has any self awareness, she will seek treatment to. just like she is toxic to you, you are to some extent enabling her even now and are hence toxic to her too.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

catcalls said:


> It is obvious that you have a great sense of relief after leaving her. bluntly put, she is not your problem anymore emotionally. *you can have once last talk with her and tell her she needs to seek help for herself* and instruct her that you will only communicate on divorce/admin matters over email and not take her calls.
> 
> you be consistent in how you deal with her. she will get the message eventually. when will your divorce come through?


BPDer's are loathe to seek treatment for themselves. To do so would be to admit there is something wrong with them. They do not believe anything is wrong with them - YOU are the problem, not them.

In fact, suggesting to them that they ought to seek treatment will force them further away from doing just that. Sorry to say, there is very little, if anything, you can do for her. You can only control who you can and that is yourself. 

Another resource for you: Borderline Personality Disorder - Support group for families and relationship partners


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## ileft (May 3, 2013)

I think I need to point out that she does acknowledge some wrongdoing on her part and has promised to change and is begging me to give her one last chance.

On the advice of my counsellor, I have not told her that I believe she has a personality disorder. She has told me she believes her behaviour is due to depression and is now on meds to deal with depression. She says to give her a few months to allow the meds to work.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

OP, 

I feel you. The video sure hits home for me. 

Walked on eggshells for 24 years. 

I had never heard of BPD until a few months ago, and even then I thought it referred to bi-polar. I always thought she was a bit crazy, but I just thought she was a biyatch - which she could be, but other times could be so loving. But her mood could change on a dime. Truly Jekyll and Hyde deal. 

I've been separated for just over 6 months, and we have filed for divorce. The first 2 mos were tough (I had some codependency issues of my own), but now, the divorce can't come soon enough for me. 

Best of luck to you. 

.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ileft (May 3, 2013)

old timer said:


> OP,
> 
> I feel you. The video sure hits home for me.
> 
> ...


Did she beg you to come back in the first month or two? Did she promise to change her ways and declare her undying love for you during that time?


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## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

ileft said:


> Did she beg you to come back in the first month or two? Did she promise to change her ways and declare her undying love for you during that time?


I get the feeling you aren't nearly as sure about ending it as you think you are. If you are SURE... LET HER GO. It is not your responsibility to worry about her anymore. 

I know its hard... it should be hard. Its the end of a marriage! But the more you waiver, the more she will fight. She WILL get past it, but only if you truly end it and allow her the opportunity too. I can only hope that you have not shown her any of the feelings you've expressed here, because if you have, YOU are greatly contributing to her not facing the truth. Make a decision that YOU are happy with... then stick with it. You can not control her, you can only control yourself. If she really matters to you, make her face the truth. It might make you feel better to worry about her, but it will not make her feel better. Trust me. Let her go.. let her face it, deal with it, and get over it. Your concern for her is only going to keep her hoping.


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## ileft (May 3, 2013)

NotEZ said:


> I get the feeling you aren't nearly as sure about ending it as you think you are. If you are SURE... LET HER GO. It is not your responsibility to worry about her anymore.
> 
> I know its hard... it should be hard. Its the end of a marriage! But the more you waiver, the more she will fight. She WILL get past it, but only if you truly end it and allow her the opportunity too. I can only hope that you have not shown her any of the feelings you've expressed here, because if you have, YOU are greatly contributing to her not facing the truth. Make a decision that YOU are happy with... then stick with it. You can not control her, you can only control yourself. If she really matters to you, make her face the truth. It might make you feel better to worry about her, but it will not make her feel better. Trust me. Let her go.. let her face it, deal with it, and get over it. Your concern for her is only going to keep her hoping.


I think you may be right. But I was just trying to see if old timer went through the same experience as I did.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

OT and his W have a long history of infidelity on both sides. 4 year affair for him and 1 year affair for her prior to the breakup.

OT's STBX went and made plans with her OM.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

As Tron said, our dynamic is much different from yours. 

She wanted me to leave, I was a hindrance to her relationship w the OM. I resisted leaving, knowing that even if she wanted me back, she would never admit it, because she never makes mistakes, you know? She flaunted the OM to me, all our family and friends. 

She may be having second thoughts about it now, but of course she'd never admit it. I tried convincing her to R for 3 months, she wasn't interested. It takes 2. 

My testicles have since re-descended and now I'm moving on. 

^^ This is the "Readers Digest" version. ^^

.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ileft (May 3, 2013)

Wife sent me a picture of her crying last night saying she misses me. How do I respond to this?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

ileft said:


> Wife sent me a picture of her crying last night saying she misses me. How do I respond to this?


You dont. You ignore it. She is fishing, trying to get a response out of you.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> You dont. You ignore it. She is fishing, trying to get a response out of you.


:iagree:


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## ileft (May 3, 2013)

Over three months separated now. Just got another email from my wife telling me again about how emotionally broken and depressed she is.

I don't really know how to respond anymore. It's killing me to know how she's hurting but I just cannot make myself go back to a toxic relationship.

Should I just ignore the message?


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

ileft said:


> Over three months separated now. Just got another email from my wife telling me again about how emotionally broken and depressed she is.
> 
> I don't really know how to respond anymore. It's killing me to know how she's hurting but I just cannot make myself go back to a toxic relationship.
> 
> Should I just ignore the message?


That would be best.

She is going to have to pick herself up and fix it.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

ileft said:


> Over three months separated now. Just got another email from my wife telling me again about how emotionally broken and depressed she is.
> 
> I don't really know how to respond anymore. It's killing me to know how she's hurting but I just cannot make myself go back to a toxic relationship.
> 
> Should I just ignore the message?


YES, ignore it. She is having such a hard time letting go that every time you respond, no matter how briefly, you are sparking hope. Then she has to go through a letdown every time. Do her a favor and disconnect from her as much as you possibly can. I know if my ex had done that, it would have really helped me move on sooner.


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## ileft (May 3, 2013)

Wife sent another email asking me to read a document about dealing with depression. Without thinking too much, I replied "I'll try" before realizing that it would have given her some glimmer of hope of reconciliation.

Realizing what I had done, and having no way to "unsend", I wrote another email telling her I shouldn't have sent the last email and explaining to her that the real reason I am not coming back to the relationship is not due to depression, but due to emotional abuse.

Prior to this I had chosen to be a bit gentle in my communication with her but this time I let her know quite clearly that I could no longer tolerate any more and that nobody should be subjected to the kind of abuse I tolerated for 10 years.

It actually felt quite therapeutic to tell her that. For the longest time I had felt guilty and like the bad guy for leaving her. After sending her the email, I actually felt some semblance of being the victim.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

While I am sure that felt really good, be careful. The victim chair can get very comfortable. A friend on TAM said this yesterday, and I think you would do well to consider:



Conrad said:


> Once people believe they are victims, the blameshifting kicks in and they give themselves permission to behave in breathtakingly bad ways.


Accept that you permitted and tolerated a lot of bad behavior from her. That part is on you. That part you have control over. Fix the part of you that allowed it and move forward. 

You can't fix her.

You are doing well. Keep it up.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

torani said:


> It sounds like your wife is under the impression that your marriage is still salvageable. If you are 100% sure you are done with the marriage then all you can do is tell her so. If she feels in anyway that you may still have any doubts she will keep holding on. You'll just need to tell her, Its OVER and I am moving on. Tell her your past fixing it or reconciliation and that she also needs to move on.


This is what you need to do.

Do not keep her hoping if you are truly done. That is the worst thing you could do for either of you.

Tell her it's over, forever. 

That way she can begin to heal and move on. 

Then follow up with actions. 

Not everyone gets over a marriage at the same time so you cannot expect her to be "over it" because you seem to be. 

It doesn't work that way.

But first, tell her it's done and follow suit through ACTIONS.

Walk the walk, as they say. 

DO NOT string her along/give her false hope.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

3Xnocharm said:


> YES, ignore it. She is having such a hard time letting go that every time you respond, no matter how briefly, you are sparking hope. Then she has to go through a letdown every time. Do her a favor and disconnect from her as much as you possibly can. I know if my ex had done that, it would have really helped me move on sooner.


Preach! :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


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## ileft (May 3, 2013)

Wife called up saying she has severe stomach pains and she needs to go to the hospital. Wants me to drive her there. What do I do?


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Depends on what kind of message you want to send.

"If you think it is an emergency you should call an ambulance, otherwise here's the number to call a cab xxx-xxx-xxxx"

would mean that you are done with her and completely detached.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

I Left ~

I was also emotionally abused BUT I have the opposite problem and I don't quite understand this:

I files yesterday after 30 years. 

I want him to leave me alone but he has already contacted me 3 times.

HE is acting like a victim.

I was given "false hope" for 4 years. Don't do that to her.

Take Care ~
VH


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## ileft (May 3, 2013)

Separated wife is very sick. She has no family to help her. Her friends are too busy with their own lives and families.

She was in hospital for several days for surgery due to complications related to a botched surgery she had while we were married. I somehow feel responsible for her situation as she had this bad surgery during our marriage and it was my (I guess our) decision to see the doctor who performed this operation. She was desperate for children and we thought it would help but it has turned out to be a disaster and it looks like she will continue to have a lifetimee of complications until she has her uterus removed. Even then, I don't know if she'll ever regain full health.

I feel incredibly guilty and responsible for abandoning such a sickly person. I want to help her get through this but I cannot go back to her and subject myself to any more emotional abuse. I'm just in a really bad situation right now. I'm wondering if heavy feelings of guilt is just something I'll have to live with for the rest of my life.

I visited her while she was in hospital and helped her out in any way I could. I just hoped she wouldn't interpret my actions as a sign that I would be going back to her, something I made clear was not going to happen.

She is back home now, alone and in pain. And today she has to go back to work, in pain. It's not a desk job, she has to move around a bit as part of the job which makes it worse.

The guilt is killing me. I want to help because I care but I also want to be able to detach and be as autonomous as possible. I just don't know what to do. I just feel like a terrible human being. It wouldn't surprise me if there are further complications from her latest surgery that would require her to go back to hospital again.

This marriage just seems like a life sentence to me that will plague me for the rest of my life.


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