# Need Help Alone



## sam34 (Nov 14, 2012)

I have never posted on a website but im tired of searching for validation. i have been with my husband for 9yrs married for 4yrs. i knew he was a drinker when i met him, we both liked to go out alot. but since we moved in together i have stopped drinking, maybe a social event ill have 1 or 2. we have 4 kids, 2 are mine from previous and 1 together and then 1 of his. my husband is just so mean. he calls my son a *** if he crys, he is 8! calls my other son lazy and fat, he is 12. he is mean to his son as well but dosent do it as much anymore since he is 18 now. we have a daughter together who he spoils rotton! she is nasty to me, spits at me, trys to hit me, crys if i say no at the store. My sons hate him. he wont spend any time with them and if we do go out together he constantLy yells about anything. mind you he cannot go anywhere if there is no beer. He is way nastier drunk and even violent if he drinks hard liquor. he hasnt hurt me orr the kids yet. he says he loves me and if i was a better wife he would be nicer. I feel disgusted when he touches me. He has called me names, dosent like the clothes i buy, tells me to fix my hair, dress my kids better. he also has ocd which is driving us crazy! He has something negative to say about everyone and anything. He has no ambition in life to be anything better he is currently a maintence man making very little $, he has no education and this is basicaly his first job at 35. I have nobody. We moved to florida to be by his family and he has isolated us from them too since they are no good and corny as he would say. i have to add that he says he drinks because he is bored! Now i have taken my sons away from thier loving dad to live with this jerk. if my ex ever heard the names he calls his sons he would take them away. I want out!


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## cheater987 (Nov 5, 2012)

Get out now. Join an Al-Anon group. You deserve a better life. Unless your husband stops drinking, you'll suffer for the rest of your life.


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## HollowQuagmireofPain (Nov 17, 2012)

Please listen to what people tell you here. You are not alone, and what you decide to do will be an absolutely critical choice in life.
I think the choice is obvious...get out now, it may only get worse-injury, death..who knows?
Do it for the same reasons...safety and love for yourself, and your kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_
You took a brave first step coming here...GOOD JOB!!!


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

leave. do whatever you have to do. Would your ex possible help you get out of Florida? Don't let this jerk damage your children any longer.


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## FoolMeOnce (Oct 16, 2012)

You knew the answer before you even asked it.

This is abuse and will affect your children for life.

Children deserve empathy and love and a healthy environment in which to grow and learn to love and to be loved.

And you deserve a husband who isn't always drinking and whom you'd love to touch and spend time with.

Do everybody a favor and either connect and reach out to your family or seek your ex's assistance and get out ASAP. Nobody wants to live with him!


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## sam34 (Nov 14, 2012)

Thank you everyone for the advice. I asked him to go to counseling and to quit drinking I know he has underlying depression and had a pretty screwed up childhood. He says he loves and will change but i dont see that happening. I told him he has me on an emotional edge and i dont appreciate him telling me what i should look like, im very attractive and i think that worries him so he puts me down. I lived through this same situation with my father and I saw what my mother went through and I should have known better but I was a single mom with 2 kids and he was there for me and helped me financialy and also helped me so i could go back to school. Then we had our daughter. Who he adores and i try to tell him he is teaching her its ok for a man to talk to her they way he speaks to me and he agrees its not ok but keeps doing it. I thought moving to Florida would change him but it didnt since he hasnt made any friends here he is even worse since he is bored. I tell him to get a hobby and he says we dont have $ for that, but we have 10$ a day for beer?! He does make dinner every night an does do laundry. So sometimes I feel like i dont give him credit for the good he does. When we lived in NJ he was never home so I dont think I had to spend as much time with him as I do now. He drank everyday in NJ and was always at a friends house. Which he would come home drunk and beligerant. he always tells me "well then dont say something stupid when im drinking and i wont explode!" REALLY! I know im no angel I have a Jersey girl attitude but there is never a need to be so damn nasty to your wife and kids. I never put him or anyone else down. I tell him we are nobody to judge anybody. But no he has to tell others how they should live. He is very generous with helping others, like he always lets his grandpa borrow $ and even our neighbor but i feel he is Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. I have made a few great friends who know the situation and tell me to get out also. Sometimes i feel like he does have a sweet side...he buys me wonderfull things and would give me anything i ask for. He always goes to work and keeps our home beatiful. He is very high strung and the ocd(cleaning) is getting worse. As for my ex...well i left him for pretty much the same reasons, we dont really get along to well. Ive always seemed to go for Mr. Wrong..I liked the bad boys. My ex is now is a great father to his boys. We went through a 2 year battle for me to move to florida that wasnt pretty. I feel quilty for that as well my kids want to move back so bad. Here in Florida I have a home paid for outright here and a great job so im scared if i go back and i cant find a job what will happen to me and the kids? we are used to living middle class. Ugghhh! I know i am eventualy leaving him i have a few things i need to get in order to make sure me and the kids are ok before i leap. Fix my credit, save some money. Its a sad situation but i know i cannot spend the rest of my life with him. I need to find myself as well. I dont think i have ever given myself time to heal from my father and my ex so i keep jumping into bad relationships. Thanks again everyone!!!!


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## FoolMeOnce (Oct 16, 2012)

How about letting your boys get away from the abuse and go live with their father. The father figure they now have is not cutting it, and they want and deserve better. This is all about the children. 

If you decide to stay because he cooks dinner, does laundry and buys you nice things, that's your deal. 

Your children shouldn't suffer because you're hoping he will change.

You made the choice to have children; now it's your RESPONSIBILITY to make sure their life is the best possible. Keep telling yourself that *IT'S ALL ABOUT THE CHILDREN!*


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## FoolMeOnce (Oct 16, 2012)

Where are your parents? Can you move in with them for a while until you get on your feet?

It's tough these days, but my attitude is: You were looking for a job when you found the one you have.

Show you daughter what not to put up with, and show your boys (and his) that ain't no way to treat a lady!


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## sam34 (Nov 14, 2012)

Everyone is absolutly 100% right! I have to do this on my own but it is going to be hard, but for my kids id walk to the end of the earth through glass barefoot!. I have no parents to help me and my boys father is not very stable to care for them financialy. To the reply "you found the job you have now" that was exactly what i needed to hear! I will find a job and everything will be ok for me and my beautiful kids. I plan on being Super mom to them. I will update as it all unfolds. Im very glad i fund this site. You are all brutely honest but thats what i needed to hear. My friends tend to sugar coat what they say but you all are great! THanks a million!


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## FoolMeOnce (Oct 16, 2012)

Happy Thanksgiving, Sam, to you and your family.

How are you doing?

Any new thoughts? Are you planning in your head at least?

Would you ever consider reuniting with your ex?

I feel for you. And especially the kids. They miss their dad!!!!! It's a huge hole in their lives. Will they ever see him again?


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

sam34 said:


> Everyone is absolutly 100% right! I have to do this on my own but it is going to be hard, but for my kids id walk to the end of the earth through glass barefoot!. I have no parents to help me and my boys father is not very stable to care for them financialy. To the reply "you found the job you have now" that was exactly what i needed to hear! I will find a job and everything will be ok for me and my beautiful kids. I plan on being Super mom to them. I will update as it all unfolds. Im very glad i fund this site. You are all brutely honest but thats what i needed to hear. My friends tend to sugar coat what they say but you all are great! THanks a million!


I hear ya. Sometimes friends like to sugar coat. And sometimes we want them too as it makes us feel like it will get better. In the end though, we know in our heart what is the right thing to do. I'm sure it won't be easy, but you sound like a strong person who can do this. Just focus on the prize at the end of the tunnel and go for it.


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## LiamN (Nov 5, 2012)

Think about your predominant thoughts: "This is going to be hard", "I'm all alone" etc. These are your fears and aren't they the real reason why you don't just pack up and leave.
You will be amazed how much better your life will get - and who will show up to help you - when you have courage. But you do need to try to stop thinking these negative thoughts and come up with some positive ones instead! Think about the life you would really like to have - what would that look like? What can you be excited about?
Also, take positive action. Look for support groups in your area. Get some local advice. 
All the best!


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## sam34 (Nov 14, 2012)

I am strong and I have been reading alot lately. I have never been on my own and it kinda scares me....but is also somewhat exciting! I have goals and dreams of what i want, the only obstacle is making sure I can provide financialy for my children. MY ex isnt much financial help but he would help me if I realy needed it. He wil be happy his boys are coming home...I havent told him yet. I have to sell my current home before I can do anything. My husband knows how I feel but he wont stop apologizing so it makes it even harder. He has been there for me when nobody else has...in body not in spirit. I feel like I do not know him...I dont know myself. I need to love myself and right the wrongs in my life and then one day find I man I truly love and that loves my kids! Thanks everybody for the encouraging words


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## FoolMeOnce (Oct 16, 2012)

Hi Sam. Hoping the new year is starting out well for you. I know last year was a rough one. 

How were the holidays? How are you? How's your mom and brother? PM if ya want.


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## sam34 (Nov 14, 2012)

Happy New Year! Things have been ok.my husband is going Togo back to NJ to work so it will just be me and the kids. Maybe it will be good for him to see what it will be like without me. He has changed alot but we will see if it lasts. I haven't heard from my brother in a few weeks. Other then that I'm just tuffing it out for the time being. Hope you had nice holidays.. I'm writing from my phone not easy lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

My mother had the same problem but she had 6 kids, no job and still chose to put her children’s welfare above the abuse and the fear of being able to provide. Your children will not starve. The damage that man is causing your boys is irreversible! Every day they get called names... your allowing damage to their self-esteem, to how they value themselves to the type of men they will become, why, because your ..? How about being afraid for them? That in a couple of years they may turn to drugs or alcohol themselves to cope. Get them out now, show them that you value them above all else and that you will protect them and are there for them. There is nothing worse than a parent allowing I person into their home with open arms saying here are my children... go ahead... harm them....


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## sam34 (Nov 14, 2012)

doureallycare2 said:


> My mother had the same problem but she had 6 kids, no job and still chose to put her children’s welfare above the abuse and the fear of being able to provide. Your children will not starve. The damage that man is causing your boys is irreversible! Every day they get called names... your allowing damage to their self-esteem, to how they value themselves to the type of men they will become, why, because your ..? How about being afraid for them? That in a couple of years they may turn to drugs or alcohol themselves to cope. Get them out now, show them that you value them above all else and that you will protect them and are there for them. There is nothing worse than a parent allowing I person into their home with open arms saying here are my children... go ahead... harm them....


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Sorry if that sounded harsh, My son works with troubled boys and you don’t know how many started out with back grounds similar to this story as are my own brothers (with their abuse from my father and step father) and even my own self esteem issues. So it’s close to my heart. My mother got out but damage was done. be a pro-active parent for your boys sake.


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## sam34 (Nov 14, 2012)

Its ok I dont mind the harshness. I posted on here for a reason and I expect some harsh responses. To be truthfully honest I have a plan and its all falling into place. I will not uproot my children and bring them into them unknown. As a mother I am suspose to protect them and thats what I a m doing. I protected my 2 boys from their father when they were babies and left for the fact that he was a cociane addict and alcoholic. He is doing much better now and is a good father but not a provider. My husband isnt the greatest but is willing to make changes. He is leaving Florida to go back to NJ to find work so we can move back to where we are from and everyone we know. With him gone I will see if it makes a difference for the kids and how they feel about him being gone. Its hard to just up and leave. We are both stressed out to the max here in Florida when we thought we would be better off. We tried and we failed so its time to go back. I am going to see what the future holds for us. My kids are okay, I have talked to them and my husband has spoken to them and apologized for his bad behavior. I would leave asap if they were in any danger trust me. I lived with an abusive father and I wished my mother had left and she didnt. Thanks for your advise.


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