# They all come back



## Hiking (Nov 6, 2013)

I have friends who have been through similar situations as mine almost heard the exact things waw said to me. They told me at some point they all come back but at that point you are usually over it. Who has experienced this? Is that statement true?


----------



## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Good question. I hear that too. In fact his own estranged brother and sister in law told me that he will most likely come to his senses, probably even before the divorce becomes final. Either way it's too little too late. 

I will say that I personally know a few cases of this happening but years down the road.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

They don't all come back.

But if they do, do you really want them?

By then the ship has sailed so far that you'd drown trying to catch up to it.


----------



## Hiking (Nov 6, 2013)

yes my neighbor is divorced away from his wife forb3 years and she asked to started again. Another friend said his ex routinely brings it up and they have been apart 8 years
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> They don't all come back.
> 
> But if they do, do you really want them?
> 
> By then the ship has sailed so far that you'd drown trying to catch up to it.


Depends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mtn.lioness (Oct 29, 2013)

Its happened to me... with an ex-husband and with an ex LTR... 

Now with my husband, he called the night after he left saying he missed being at home... its only been a week... I'm waiting 6 months to file. So... who knows.. but if he does, it'll be wayyyy too late. I'm coming to peace with my decision.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Hiking said:


> I have friends who have been through similar situations as mine almost heard the exact things waw said to me. They told me at some point they all come back but at that point you are usually over it. Who has experienced this? Is that statement true?


It's true for fixers and deniers who think they can fix their wayward spouse by working harder and by assuming blame. As it turns out, that's is the quickest way to look emotionally weak and pathetic. When BS reaches the conclusion that it's the WS who's broken and turns loose then they are instantly more attractive to the WS but it's often too late.


----------



## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

My first ex-w begged to come back two years after the divorce. I didn't want her at that point.


----------



## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

A guy I work with had this happen *12* years later with a walk away wife. He keeps me updated on the story because he's so blown away by what she says.

She was the classic never had fun lady when young with a midlife crisis. She bailed, and went nuts. Drugs, sex with men she barely new, the whole thing. 

She's now pining away for him, and every time the kids visit they come back with new stories about how she wants to win him back. The last trip his son told him that he asked her "Mom, do you really think dad wants you back after you've been with all those men? I mean really mom, how many have you been with."

"Well there is no point in lying now, at least 150."


----------



## Hiking (Nov 6, 2013)

interesting love to hear more stories
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Before my STBXW and I were married, we separated, and she came back.

Nothing was fixed, no problems were solved. 3 years later here we are .


----------



## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

No, they don't.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

ThreeStrikes said:


> No, they don't.


And if they do, it's generally only temporary.


----------



## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> And if they do, it's generally only temporary.


And can you ever really believe they won't do <insert whatever here> again? Once the vase is broken, no matter how good you glue it - you still just have a cracked vase.


----------



## Hiking (Nov 6, 2013)

well I guess taking someone back without taking care of the issues will lead to the same problems. I think most come back, might nit stay but I also think it generally is after you've gotten past it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

larry.gray said:


> "Well there is no point in lying now, at least 150."




That averages out to a new/different guy every month for 12 years


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

My guess would be is that if they do come back, you don't want them anymore.


----------



## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

They often do come back around.... my exh (WS) of 1.5 yrs has come around several times knocking at my door.... the answer is ummmmmm NO, not interested


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Hiking said:


> I have friends who have been through similar situations as mine almost heard the exact things waw said to me. They told me at some point they all come back but at that point you are usually over it. Who has experienced this? Is that statement true?


I don't believe that statement to be true. Mine didn't and we're coming up on a year now.

In the beginning I survived on that thought, that he would come to his senses and want to reconcile but something has happened as time has gone on. I don't want him back.

I have realized that he will never change. Over the year more things have come to light and I now see how the level of deceit he's capable of.

Also, I'm not the same person I was when he left. I would never be able to trust him again and I am not willing to put up with all the stuff I put up with before.

I'm sure it happens, I've seen it happen but I can tell you they don't all come back.


----------



## Hiking (Nov 6, 2013)

they all come back is very generalized. I am glad u got to the place your ate and can move on as a complete person. I still wouldn't be surprised if your spouse made inroads later
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

He's done some weird stuff as the year has gone on. I have my original thread I started in March and then I started another in July. The one from July has chronicled most of the things that have gone on. 

Thing is he's still with her. I should say it turns out the posow was someone he's known for 20 yrs. Maybe that has something to do with it.

Like I said though, I'm done. A light went on after I started working again. I began to feel a sense of independence. I also met two people there that pointed something out to me. The one asked me if I was happier now without him? I thought for a minute and responded yes. Another one, who had the same thing happen to her many years ago, warned me that no matter what promises he made if he were to come back, I would never 100% trust him again. That the first time he was 5 minutes late coming home and I didn't know where he was it would send me reeling. She's right.


----------



## Hiking (Nov 6, 2013)

If she comes back to me or not only God knows I like to belive it happens but do I have to get to the point I don't want her anymore to get her


----------



## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Hiking said:


> If she comes back to me or not only God knows I like to belive it happens but do I have to get to the point I don't want her anymore to get her


 You might,once I got my wife away from the OM who had felonies,prison,arrest record
and his check garneshed like crazy, I did'nt want her anymore,I wanted her away
from a bad man who would have hurt her and maybe my kids.
Now 21 months into R things are going good.

Yes she came back,quick too but for the right reasons,not money,being comfortable,bills paid
or anythng like that,she came back because I let her and I love her and she has done
everythng asked of her.
She's extremly gratfull,can't fake that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Some may come back. Think a large part of it is just how much in denial they are and how they hold onto, the they must be right, its the other persons fault lines they tell themselves. 

For anybody to attempt to come back, they at least a little have to take responsibility for the failings of the marriage. Some just never will do that.


----------



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

larry.gray said:


> A guy I work with had this happen *12* years later with a walk away wife. He keeps me updated on the story because he's so blown away by what she says.
> 
> She was the classic never had fun lady when young with a midlife crisis. She bailed, and went nuts. Drugs, sex with men she barely new, the whole thing.
> 
> ...



l feel sick. Shame one of them didn't just put her down and what , she told her own son that !
Sometimes l wish l never knew what l've learned through all this.


----------



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> It's true for fixers and deniers who think they can fix their wayward spouse by working harder and by assuming blame. As it turns out, that's is the quickest way to look emotionally weak and pathetic. When BS reaches the conclusion that it's the WS who's broken and turns loose then they are instantly more attractive to the WS but it's often too late.


So does this mean that no matter what the BS or dumped spouse did to help ruin the marriage , they don't take any blame ?
Don't try to improve themselves in their part of it all , not for the WAS anyway ?
Or they're assuming blame, in denial, working harder ?

I can't quite in the finer points , get the full gist of what you mean here !


----------



## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

I'm not sure what you are asking WhiteHawk? 

I think regardless of fault it's up to the BS to find peace. Sure 9 times out of 10 it's a two way street, but there comes a point when the BS can and must stop taking the blame for the desolution of the marriage, acknowlege it wasn't all their fault and move on. My WAS will never admit his faults. In his eyes he is perfection. It's rather laughable, but it is what it is. I won't change that. Honestly, I'm finally getting to a point where I don't need to. I can recognize what he did to harm me, and learn from those mistake and never allow it again. Otherwise I would cycle on forever. And never find a healthy relationship again (not that I'm looking).


----------



## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

You just have to eventually figure out the only person you can control is yourself... so be the best person you can be. Anything that others do is out of your control, so why worry about them? They have to live with themselves, and eventually their actions will catch up to them. Although I know it is maddening to see people do things you know for a fact are going to come back and bite them in some form or another - you eventually just have to let go and let them do it. As long as you go to bed at night knowing you did the best you could, you will eventually be happy again. Any other path leads to madness, in my opinion.

One of the fundamental laws of the universe is causality - for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. I'm a firm believer that this applies to _everything_ - not just physics.


----------



## Hiking (Nov 6, 2013)

So have most people heard, know, been involved in a situation where the WAS makes some sort of attempt to come back


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

We have all heard of or witnessed those stories. But honestly, I think they are few and far between.

Usually the "I think I made a mistake" comes long after the major event happened, when it doesn't matter anymore.


----------



## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> We have all heard of or witnessed those stories. But honestly, I think they are few and far between.
> 
> Usually the "I think I made a mistake" comes long after the major event happened, when it doesn't matter anymore.



That's exactly how it happened with me with the first one. I was long over the pain by then... and long over her.

That's the thing about it, they only seem to realize what they lost when you have moved on and are happy again. At that point you are thinking, "I'd have to be the biggest fool on the planet to go back to that again."

The trick is getting to the "moved on and happy again" part.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Honorbound said:


> That's exactly how it happened with me with the first one. I was long over the pain by then... and long over her.
> 
> That's the thing about it, they only seem to realize what they lost when you have moved on and are happy again. At that point you are thinking, "I'd have to be the biggest fool on the planet to go back to that again."


Happened to my sister. Her guy cheated on her with his friend's wife. Ended up marrying the chick, too. My sis was so heartbroken. Resilient as hell though. Raised their child as a single mom because he couldn't even be bothered to be present in their child's life. Flash forward, a thousand years later, when his wife (the one he cheated with) up and left him for another man. He reached out to my sister, all sorry and wanting to make amends and all "Please forgive me, I've done a horrible thing; I should have never left you. I should have never XYZ." She told him she appreciated his apology but that it was about a century too late and she really did not care anymore. She had moved on long ago.

She said he was pathetic. Calling her and trying to get in touch with her all the time, sounding like a child. She said it was a total turn off.


----------



## mtn.lioness (Oct 29, 2013)

So this just happened to me sooner than I anticipated. Its been a week since he left... He is calling and doing the song and dance...

I haven't moved on yet, its far too soon. 

Time is a blessing and a curse; I'm so not ready to give him an answer right now.

But... in regards to this thread; he's come back ... ??


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

mtn.lioness said:


> Time is a blessing and a curse


The truth


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

It doesn't always happen.
My ex was caught having multiple EA/PA. He was indignant and totally non-remorseful. Now that the D is final and he is broke and a deadbeat dad, he maintains I am a heartless wench that won't pay his bills. Not once has he hinted he would like to return. Given the level of his deception there is no possible way that would ever happen. The grass was not greener for him, but he gets off playing the victim.


----------



## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

larry.gray said:


> A guy I work with had this happen *12*
> She's now pining away for him, and every time the kids visit they come back with new stories about how she wants to win him back. The last trip his son told him that he asked her "Mom, do you really think dad wants you back after you've been with all those men? I mean really mom, how many have you been with."
> 
> "Well there is no point in lying now, at least 150."


Wow I hope your friend never make the mistake of taking her back, and he find someone worth of a realationship


----------



## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

Pluto2 said:


> It doesn't always happen.
> My ex was caught having multiple EA/PA. He was indignant and totally non-remorseful. Now that the D is final and he is broke and a deadbeat dad, he maintains I am a heartless wench that won't pay his bills. Not once has he hinted he would like to return. Given the level of his deception there is no possible way that would ever happen. The grass was not greener for him, but he gets off playing the victim.


Yes. Some people are incapable of ever admitting that they are at fault in anything or that they are anything but perfect. To them the whole universe just urinates on them every time they go outside and they then tell anybody that will listen how mistreated they are. They relish pity more than any other emotion. Most everything they do or say is geared towards garnering that emotion. They are incapable of any meaningful relationships for very long because, eventually, people get disgusted with all of the wallowing and move on.

Everyone occasionally takes a short vacation to Self-Pityville, but the professional victim lives there.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My sister has divorced two men now. She's the one who left. 

Husband #1 took off, remarried, had a new family. He never came back nor did she EVER try to get him back.

Husband #2 pined for her, never remarried and while she partook in some casual sex she never came back to him either. They are now friends and co-parent well.

I'm going with sometimes they come back and sometimes they don't.


----------



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Honorbound said:


> That's exactly how it happened with me with the first one. I was long over the pain by then... and long over her.
> 
> That's the thing about it, they only seem to realize what they lost when you have moved on and are happy again. At that point you are thinking, "I'd have to be the biggest fool on the planet to go back to that again."
> 
> The trick is getting to the "moved on and happy again" part.


Yeah OR , as l've noticed with my x , it could also just be the fact that both those realizations and their timing , came about at roughly the same to.
Maybe it had nothing to do with what the BS is doing. Maybe it just takes a yr or 3 to get over it and move on and maybe, it also takes a yr or 3 to live through the whole greener grass stuff and go full circle.
Something l've often considered.


----------



## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

I am up to my knees in it, damn it!

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation/129066-hope-divorce-busting-success-story-kind.html


----------



## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> That averages out to a new/different guy every month for 12 years


From what he tells, it was more hauling a new guy home for a ONS from a bar for a few years and then straightening out her life.


----------



## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

manticore said:


> Wow I hope your friend never make the mistake of taking her back, and he find someone worth of a realationship


Married for 7 years now to a great woman that had a husband that did something similar.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Hiking said:


> So have most people heard, know, been involved in a situation where the WAS makes some sort of attempt to come back


Well, I do know of ONE "success" story (IRL, not TAM) that's still in progress...

About 6 yrs ago, my uncle (my mom's bro) started cheating on my aunt with a woman/mutual friend of theirs, who was about 15 yrs younger. He and my aunt had been married for 20+ yrs. 

It went on for 2 yrs before my aunt found out, and when she did, she gave him two choices: end it with this other woman, or get the hell out of my house. He refused to end it with the other woman, so she kicked him out, changed the locks and all, and he went to sleep on my other uncle's couch. So of course, EVERYONE found out, and every sibling, sibling-in-law, and cousin called him at some point to tell him he was being a douche canoe. But he was totally in his fog.

We pretty much all rallied around my aunt, and she basically did her own version of the 180. She didn't want a divorce (her marriage to my uncle was her second), but she also wasn't going to put up with this sh!t again (her first husband was a cheater).

My uncle, meanwhile, moved in with the other woman for a little while, until he could get his own place. And over the course of this time realized the woman was a little bit Crazy Town, but he still didn't quit seeing her.

But at some point, he snapped out of the fog. I don't know what it was, exactly, but he realized what he had done, and he begged my aunt to take him back. They had been separated about a year.

She didn't make it easy for him. She made him WORK for it. She wouldn't let him move back in, demanded they go to counseling, and he could date her, but she didn't always make herself available. Basically, she made him court her all over again.

He moved back into their home about 1.5 yrs ago. And he's still working at it, because unlike a lot of WSs, he realizes how much he hurt her and how he undermined their marriage, and he has a lot of remorse for that. A LOT. My cousin (his niece) got married a few months ago, and both he and I had a really difficult time during that ceremony, though for different reasons. I mentioned that I almost had to get up and walk out a couple of times during the ceremony, and he responded that he felt the same way, and I could see the tears behind his eyes when he said that. He's super grateful, and he is willing to do whatever my aunt asks of him, because she was willing to give him a second chance.

EDIT: But I think he also realizes that he is going to spend the rest of his life trying to make this up to her, and he's OK with that. A lot of WSs might feel like, "When will I be done making this up to you?" and with that attitude of entitlement, it's not going to work. I think his willingness to continue to make it up to her, every day, makes a huge difference.


----------



## Hiking (Nov 6, 2013)

One of my friends told me his exw asked him to start again and move to build a house with her, note she makes a lot more than him. This is 3 years since the separated and over year after the divorce. She cheated multiple times. This whole thing is nuts. It sounds like a lot come back and a few don't. the level of effort on those that come back may vary but at some point it does seem they return..crazy


----------



## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

my D will be finalized in January. It has been a year waiting period.

I will admit to you that was my fantasy awhile back, that she would come to her senses and come back to rebuild. Being separated a year has given me great perspective. I've rebuilt me. I'm going to be okay, and so is my daughter (11). 

I went from scarcity thinking to abundant thinking. I wouldn't even entertain a thought of my ex coming back in the future. I'm different now and she no longer qualifies.


----------



## Hiking (Nov 6, 2013)

helolover said:


> my D will be finalized in January. It has been a year waiting period.
> 
> I will admit to you that was my fantasy awhile back, that she would come to her senses and come back to rebuild. Being separated a year has given me great perspective. I've rebuilt me. I'm going to be okay, and so is my daughter (11).
> 
> I went from scarcity thinking to abundant thinking. I wouldn't even entertain a thought of my ex coming back in the future. I'm different now and she no longer qualifies.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Stretch said:


> I am up to my knees in it, damn it!
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation/129066-hope-divorce-busting-success-story-kind.html



Ha , wish l was , me coming over for a looky Strech.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

vi_bride04 said:


> larry.gray said:
> 
> 
> > "Well there is no point in lying now, at least 150."
> ...


 _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


----------



## Hiking (Nov 6, 2013)

why do we need to play this game, life is hard enough without all this drama
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

2galsmom said:


> All of us in the divorced section are part of "they" aren't we?
> 
> I can only speak for myself. I am NEVER going back. And I do not want ANYONE coming back.


Hiking will likely feel the same way once he becomes happy with himself again. It is generally how it works as near as I can tell from my own experiences - and reading about others. Once you've worked through the pain and anger, why would any of us deliberately put ourselves back in that position again with someone we _know_ has no qualms about hurting us? It is simple self-protection.

He, like many of us, just seems frustrated with the irrationality and futility of it all.

Just my guess.


----------



## Sincererlytrying (Oct 31, 2012)

My STBXW did that when she realized I was really going to move out, and was buying a house for myself. She was not direct, but told me she had expressed her doubts to our counselor 1-2 months earlier amid nightly crying fits about screwing up her life. I was pretty blunt and said that telling the counselor and not me, while continuing to refuse to participate in counseling, acknowledge her part in the failure of the marriage, blaming me for everything, or apologize for anything was not sufficient and that it was too late.


----------



## Hiking (Nov 6, 2013)

who else has the ws come back only to have you no longer want them? If you took them back how did it go
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

This is what I am battling with a little bit at present. 

I am an Ex Husband now. In the back of my mind, I am still 'waiting' for her to come back. To wake up, as it were. 

I keep wishing she would at call. But then I think why? What could I possibly say to her? Because I am at the tail end of my grief. The girl I once married is completely gone now. It's like mourning a death.

Say if she did inexplicably call and plead to come back. What would I do? I have owned all of my crap that contributed to the marriage demise. All of it. I carried the guilt and the shame and I have healed from it, though of course there is still a ways to go.

She never, ever will own her part of it. And neither will toxic MIL.

Why would I want her back? Yes, we have a baby. 

What I did during the course of our marriage (anxiety, alcoholism, walking on eggshells, fear of her) pales in comparison to what she has done to me since they left and took my baby.

But her actions. As much as I have have tried to deny it.

She is a selfish, vindictive, nasty and cruel person.

Why in God's name would I want her back? I am starting to think that somehow, this was God's way of saving me, from her and her family and the abuse (and yes, I am starting to see that now).

If I don't love her, don't find her attractive, and given the fact that she is 'gone' now - why would I want her back?


----------



## Justadude (Aug 6, 2012)

Watch the movie "Swingers."


----------



## Hiking (Nov 6, 2013)

wow old movie! Based on what I've read alot come back...not all but alot do.bit happens generally with time and when you finally get passed it...do you agree?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

Hiking said:


> wow old movie! Based on what I've read alot come back...not all but alot do.bit happens generally with time and when you finally get passed it...do you agree?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I do. At least in the two times it has happened to me (one XW and one XGF) it was when they saw how well I was doing without them. That seems to me to be one of the main triggers of a wake up call.


----------



## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

I think we all in the early period of seperation and in some cases subsequent divorce have this fantasy that they'll come back- I know I did, and to a degree I wonder if its the mind playing tricks as a sort of coping strategy. 

I can cheerfully say now, some 8 months on and 2 months post divorce, that if that call came from XH it would be taken on board and cheerfully dismissed. There is no human way I'd even consider it and thats for 1 major major reason. I've dragged my self esteem out of the hole of the split and all the history changing/cake eating and victim chair toss that's been flung my way. I've got some fantastic friends who literally kept me going during the very darkest periods of 2013 (May was not a month I care to repeat ever again) and if he did attempt to crawl back like a snake, it'll be the easiest no in history.

Yeah of course I'm sad for what was lost, but I'm getting to the point (as we will all do eventually) that the future is far more exciting than it's looked for ages. It's scary- but it's rather nice to go with the flow for the first time in my case in 12 years. The man I entered a Civil Partnership with "died" in March and became a vicious total stranger who claimed until only a month ago that he never loved nor trusted me. That's equally hard to deal with, but total classic MLC symptoms according to my Cllr. Some of words out of his mouth and by text have had my Cllr shaking her head and then smiling saying- "he needs more therapy than you'll ever need".

Besides, when your ex has BPD it's not likely happen anyway- so you move on anyway.


----------



## Hiking (Nov 6, 2013)

philglossop said:


> I think we all in the early period of seperation and in some cases subsequent divorce have this fantasy that they'll come back- I know I did, and to a degree I wonder if its the mind playing tricks as a sort of coping strategy.
> 
> I can cheerfully say now, some 8 months on and 2 months post divorce, that if that call came from XH it would be taken on board and cheerfully dismissed. There is no human way I'd even consider it and thats for 1 major major reason. I've dragged my self esteem out of the hole of the split and all the history changing/cake eating and victim chair toss that's been flung my way. I've got some fantastic friends who literally kept me going during the very darkest periods of 2013 (May was not a month I care to repeat ever again) and if he did attempt to crawl back like a snake, it'll be the easiest no in history.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hiking (Nov 6, 2013)

so what happened a month ago is he now starting to say he did love you? That part is a whole other issue the I love you but not in love with you what is that....if anyone is with someone or is somebody who came back tell me what causes or is that thought process
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

larry.gray said:


> A guy I work with had this happen *12* years later with a walk away wife. He keeps me updated on the story because he's so blown away by what she says.
> 
> She was the classic never had fun lady when young with a midlife crisis. She bailed, and went nuts. Drugs, sex with men she barely new, the whole thing.
> 
> ...


150?! That's a ho's ho.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

I divorced my first ex-wife over twenty years ago for serial cheating in the first six months of our marriage. 

After our split she spent the next decade or do living in the gutter, going through men like a scythe through grain. It wasn't until she married her second husband and he cheated on her that she woke up and realized the pain she had put me through. Fast forward to earlier this year, we hooked up on FB, got together back east, and over dinner she gave me the most complete and sincere apology an ex-spouse ever gave for all her bad behavior. She has spent the last decade in weekly therapy, working through her issues and taking ownership of her poor choices. She is a completely different and 500% better person than she was. 

She has told me repeatedly that I am the best man she has ever known and that losing me was her one great regret. I decided not to seek any kind of R with her, but we have settled into a very nice long-distance FWB relationship where we hook up whenever she is here in California on business or when we arrange a rendezvous. We are planning a trip to the Caymans together next month. It is a nice arrangement, but I will never marry her again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Hiking said:


> so what happened a month ago is he now starting to say he did love you? That part is a whole other issue the I love you but not in love with you what is that....if anyone is with someone or is somebody who came back tell me what causes or is that thought process
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, I was sat at home one evening chilling, when the following came through on my FB page. I've kept it as a stronger reminder of exactly how he really did die as the person I'd married. 

"23:42
XH
You have to be the most disgusting, deceitful, nasty, vile person I have ever met. Can't for the life of me think why I ever loved you."

There was then a torrent of rather sick twisted text messages from him- bordering on the psychotic at points. He then put messages on my TAM thread in the divorce section- and then thinks a sorry will work. It gave my Cllr the ammo to sort my head out whilst wondering if he needs serious medical attention!

It was systematic of his control and I'd never go back to those days.


----------



## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

Hiking said:


> so what happened a month ago is he now starting to say he did love you? That part is a whole other issue the I love you but not in love with you what is that....if anyone is with someone or is somebody who came back tell me what causes or is that thought process
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, the ILYBNILWY is _usually_ coming from a cheater. Look at this list and this one - see if any of these words sound familiar.

It's not always true (as I am discovering), but the end result is exactly the same.


----------



## Hiking (Nov 6, 2013)

is there hope any come back and it actually works out
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

I'd say 95% don't come back, and of the 5% that do, there's a 0.01% chance of it working out if both parties haven't put the effort and self-improvement work in.


----------



## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Honorbound said:


> I do. At least in the two times it has happened to me (one XW and one XGF) it was when they saw how well I was doing without them. That seems to me to be one of the main triggers of a wake up call.


Start dating and let them find out. They start to see things clearly and do not like it. My WAS told me this is what got her questioning her decision to leave.

Stretch


----------



## TexDad034 (Oct 9, 2013)

Some do some don't, and there's no sense in fabricating statistics to make you or anyone feel better. 

I think at some point we all pretend to never want to get back with our ex's because of what they have done. But always on the back burner is the memory of how things were. We say things like, "I like how now I can go with the flow of things, I can do whatever I want now, my children are just fine." Are these things we ever really wanted in the first place?

Say for instance you were still with your significant other, and there were never any issues. You had never come to this site, and never needed a reason to. You still in your marriage, happy, blissful, and content. Would you cherish this freedom as much then? 

I think finding this newly found freedom is an inevitable byproduct of just accepting and moving on, but always in the back of our minds is the possibility of maybe... just maybe trying once more. You've made up your mind, but then you read stories of those who are in successful R's, and it only adds fuel to the fire. You lay in your bed fantasizing about your own successful R, and all of the things you THINK you'll do to make them work for it. But in all actuality, you'd rather hit the fast forward button and be there already. 

Just remember, we never wanted any of this in the first place.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

TexDad034 said:


> Some do some don't, and there's no sense in fabricating statistics to make you or anyone feel better.
> 
> I think at some point we all pretend to never want to get back with our ex's because of what they have done. But always on the back burner is the memory of how things were. We say things like, "I like how now I can go with the flow of things, I can do whatever I want now, my children are just fine." Are these things we ever really wanted in the first place?
> 
> ...


Would you rather stay asleep or wake up?


----------



## TexDad034 (Oct 9, 2013)

For the most part stay asleep. Then I wake up, pull myself up by my bootstraps and continue on. Whether he/she comes back is up to them, and all that's left for you(me) to do is continue on.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

TexDad034 said:


> For the most part stay asleep. Then I wake up, pull myself up by my bootstraps and continue on. Whether he/she comes back is up to them, and all that's left for you(me) to do is continue on.


That's not what I mean.


----------



## TexDad034 (Oct 9, 2013)

So what do you mean?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

TexDad034 said:


> So what do you mean?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I mean that people cling to their delusions very tightly. I'm sure some make it through. But, I believe few end up "happy"

I'm a pharmacist. We observe that many... and I mean many older folks actually appear happier and more upbeat AFTER the death of their spouse.

Did they "make it"?

If so, what did they make?


----------



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Hiking said:


> who else has the ws come back only to have you no longer want them? If you took them back how did it go
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My H moved out initially for 3 months. 18 months later and I'm moving out. He's been changing his mind every 6 months about what he wants. Now I've made his mind up for him. I can't do it anymore.
I love him dearly, but I've had enough of the drama and the upset. I need space. I've never had my own place and I'm looking forward to it.
It's extremely amicable, we are still good friends, we've had 20 years together, that's more important at the moment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Thundarr said:


> It's true for fixers and deniers who think they can fix their wayward spouse by working harder and by assuming blame. As it turns out, that's is the quickest way to look emotionally weak and pathetic. When BS reaches the conclusion that it's the WS who's broken and turns loose then they are instantly more attractive to the WS but it's often too late.


Thundarr~
Can you please explain what you mean?
Thanks ~
VH


----------



## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Conrad said:


> I mean that people cling to their delusions very tightly. I'm sure some make it through. But, I believe few end up "happy"
> 
> I'm a pharmacist. We observe that many... and I mean many older folks actually appear happier and more upbeat AFTER the death of their spouse.
> 
> ...


Actually being happier and appearing happier are two different things. I have spoken to spouses that were happier because their loved one's suffering was over.


----------



## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

VeryHurt said:


> Actually being happier and appearing happier are two different things. I have spoken to spouses that were happier because their loved one's suffering was over.


:iagree:This.

My experience with many of the older couples in my life that have lost their SO due to death - is that , while they might _appear_ happy, they are in reality lost and devastated without them. These are all couples that were married ~50 years and strongly committed to each other. In each case the one that was left was actually _looking forward_ to passing themselves so that they could be with their SO again... while they appear to try and move on - taking care of other family members or unfinished business - I could tell their heart was just... gone... and they were just going through the motions. For me watching it was both heartbreaking and inspirational at the same time. That is the kind of relationship I have always wanted and despair of ever finding. Not co-dependency, a true partnership that is greater than the sum of it's parts. It takes a commitment and integrity that was common in the past, but is sadly lacking today.

As for Hiking's original query and Conrad's point - He is saying you can't keep dreaming of R. That defeats the whole purpose of the 180 and keeps you stuck in limbo. You _have_ to let go (or wake up in his analogy)... then they might come back, or they might not. Either way your head will be clear for the first time in god knows how long and you will be able to make a truly rational decision. The most common being that you don't know what you were thinking wanting R to begin with.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Honorbound said:


> :iagree:This.
> Either way your head will be clear for the first time in god knows how long and you will be able to make a truly rational decision. The most common being that you don't know what you were thinking wanting R to begin with.


When I first joined here, I saw a lot of people posting something alluding to the above statement.

I literally couldn't believe it. "No way, that won't be me. I want to R, I love my wife more than anything in the world."

But.... I was wrong. It's extremely common for the left behind spouse to feel this way after some time has passed.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

WantWifeBack said:


> When I first joined here, I saw a lot of people posting something alluding to the above statement.
> 
> I literally couldn't believe it. "No way, that won't be me. I want to R, I love my wife more than anything in the world."
> 
> But.... I was wrong. It's extremely common for the left behind spouse to feel this way after some time has passed.


The dividing line is usually whether she wants to continue having sex with you or not.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Conrad said:


> The dividing line is usually whether she wants to continue having sex with you or not.


You're right, as always Conrad. 

I'm actually pleased that the frequency/quality of sex tailed off as our relationship plummeted in to the metaphoric abyss. It allowed me at least a small measure of emotional/physical detachment before she dropped the bomb.


----------



## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Conrad is spot on.

I can remember the last time I was with XH in that respect- he literally didn't want to be there. Biggest Red Flag on reflection.

You thought I'd learned my lesson? No because I remember the last time I had sex with my first long term partner- and again it was a case of him not wanting to do it. I picked up on that and swore that if I came across that again I'd know.

I was wrong. In the words of Homer....... DOH!!


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I feel compassion for left-behind spouses who still hope for some sort of R after 6-12 months.

If she hasn't come back and thrown herself at you by then, it's clear your efforts at re-establishing (or simply establishing) sexual attraction aren't going to bear fruit during the current impasse.

To me, that's a game changer.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Conrad said:


> I feel compassion for left-behind spouses who still hope for some sort of R after 6-12 months.
> 
> If she hasn't come back and thrown herself at you by then, it's clear your efforts at re-establishing (or simply establishing) sexual attraction aren't going to bear fruit during the current impasse.
> 
> To me, that's a game changer.


ONEitis.

I think left-behind spouses should have a small window of hoping for R - It's only natural anyway. But after a while, you need to refocus that energy on you, and then when you're ready, new prospects.


----------



## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Conrad said:


> I feel compassion for left-behind spouses who still hope for some sort of R after 6-12 months.
> 
> If she hasn't come back and thrown herself at you by then, it's clear your efforts at re-establishing (or simply establishing) sexual attraction aren't going to bear fruit during the current impasse.
> 
> To me, that's a game changer.


This makes sense to me. My WH has no interest in having sex with me anymore. A kiss hello and good-bye is the extent of anything tactile. 

My WH and I have been involved in a pathetic, dysfunctional on-again-off-again relationship for over 4 years. (I know longer say "marraige")

Yes, I know I'm a fool and an idiot. I know we BOTH have issues.

During the past 4.5 years, we have lived under the same roof for about 2

Each time we reach a point of moving forward with a divorce, HE changes his mind. He has stopped proceedings 3 times.

I can't seem to pull the plug although I am feeling more and more that maybe I could.

We are clearly dependent on each other and something is holding us together although with 4 years of IC and MC, no therapist/shrink can get to the core.


----------



## TexDad034 (Oct 9, 2013)

Conrad said:


> I feel compassion for left-behind spouses who still hope for some sort of R after 6-12 months.
> 
> If she hasn't come back and thrown herself at you by then, it's clear your efforts at re-establishing (or simply establishing) sexual attraction aren't going to bear fruit during the current impasse.
> 
> To me, that's a game changer.


Doesn't it take longer for the affair fog to be lifted in some cases?


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

TexDad034 said:


> Doesn't it take longer for the affair fog to be lifted in some cases?


Yes... I should have clarified.... that's if she isn't involved with anyone.

The rule of thumb is while the affair fog may break and attraction for the betrayed spouse "may" resurface, the appearance of posOM2 means she's truly done - this time it's no accident.


----------



## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Yes... I should have clarified.... that's if she isn't involved with anyone.
> 
> The rule of thumb is while the affair fog may break and attraction for the betrayed spouse "may" resurface, the appearance of posOM2 means she's truly done - this time it's no accident.


Chip brings up a valid point.

But in the meantime, for the men especially... Probability will only improve if you put in the work:

Physically
Mentally
Even Spiritualy

Don't stay stuck. Improve.

When you do and its time to make a decsion: you will hold all of the cards. And guess what... you might even take a pass.

Doesn't always work out that way, but if you scored him/her being YOU... What can you attain being a much better version of you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## grainofsalt (Oct 6, 2013)

If they left once, they'll leave again.

Not worth the risk. I'll spend my time and money in Vegas instead, which at this point would provide a better return on my investment


----------



## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

Everyone talks about how their spouse sees them doing better and that's what makes them second-guess and come back. In my situation, it was a long distance relationship and we just went back and forth. Because of that we have a ton of amazing memories because we always cherished the times together. 

I have decided that I want her back, and would accept her if she came pleaded because we have already moved past the EA and she opened up and even quit her job to be away from him. How will she ever see how I'm doing if I'm on the other side of the world?


----------



## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

Zildjian, maybe a long distance relationship (LDR) is not working for one or both of you. 

I recommend you take care of yourself and take this break in your relationship as a time to get yourself where YOU want to be - for YOU. Not as a mechanism for attracting your lost relationship partner. Are you going to settle for someone who strayed on you? Was she remembering all of the great memories and things while she was investing her time and energies into some other dude?

Here's an interesting read for men in LDRs.


----------



## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

helolover said:


> Zildjian, maybe a long distance relationship (LDR) is not working for one or both of you.
> 
> I recommend you take care of yourself and take this break in your relationship as a time to get yourself where YOU want to be - for YOU. Not as a mechanism for attracting your lost relationship partner. Are you going to settle for someone who strayed on you? Was she remembering all of the great memories and things while she was investing her time and energies into some other dude?
> 
> Here's an interesting read for men in LDRs.


Thanks a lot for your reply! It's unfortunate, because we were so close to be past the long distance phase. the entire relationship we were looking forward to finishing our studies so we could get engaged and start our life in canada. she was so certain about coming here.. she left notes, and she made a video diary for herself why she was here telling herself that she wanted to marry me and live in canada etc... because we both know that distance could cause problems and 7 months was going to be the longest time we had ever spent apart. that turned out to be true, and the 7 months put a lot of strain on us.. in addition to a skype connection that simply wouldnt work in september and october. this is why its such a shame.. people say that if she really loved me, this wouldnt have happened.. but lets be honest, subject any relationship to that level of stress and things willl go bad. there was times that i would hit redial more than 15 times in half an hour, and when youre trying to have a serious talk, or any talk for that matter, no matter how in love you are, it makes it unbearable - day in, day out. i just wish we could have made it a little longer. we're less than a week from my original departure date. we did fine all along, until now.. and then i go there, and its magical again..just amazing.. and then i leave, and we comeback to internetand its issues.. sorry for venting so long.. its just that we DID it, and it worked, until 2 months away from the end of the distance.. maybe she got cold feet because of the engagement on the horizon and the simple reality that she would be leaving brazil for every.


----------

