# New here. Need help



## OdliDPrincess

Hi everyone
I’m introducing myself. I’m 27 years old. 7 years in a relationship.
I talk with my bf about marriage occasionally, but he always says this is not the right time. When I ask hem when is the right time he does not give me a certain answer.

What should I do?


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## snowbum

He doesn’t wNt to get married. You can stay or leave. He’s not sure at 7 years? He doesn’t want to get married.


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## gameopoly5

OdliDPrincess said:


> Hi everyone
> I’m introducing myself. I’m 27 years old. 7 years in a relationship.
> I talk with my bf about marriage occasionally, but he always says this is not the right time. When I ask hem when is the right time he does not give me a certain answer.
> 
> What should I do?


Are you both living together, if so then under the law you are still considered as common law wife and husband.
If not living together and after 7 years your bf has no intentions of marrying you, than at 27 years old call time and move on.


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## She'sStillGotIt

Sadly, the truth is, he doesn't want to get married to you.

I can't tell you how many times over the years I've read stories from women who were foolish enough to wait around for some guy they were living with to marry them. In the meantime, they were contributing financially and doing everything for him at home - plus having kids with him - but they never married. A lot of these couples eventually broke up and guess what? He married the next woman he got involved with. There's an old saying that rings true even to this day - why marry the cow when the milk is free? Don't have kids with this guy.

There's nothing wrong with him not wanting to marry, that's his choice and you need to respect it. There's also nothing wrong with you wanting to be a wife rather than someone's 'domestic partner' and you're entitled to find that in your life. But don't be surprised if you do break up and a few years from now you find out he's engaged or he married someone else. The painful truth is that just because he didn't want to marry you that doesn't mean he's not the marrying type. That scenario happens a lot.

If you're looking to be a wife and have 2.5 kids, the house, the dog and the picket fence, this guy is a waste of your time.


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## Andy1001

When it comes to marriage if the answer isn’t hell yes then it’s hell no.
Guys like him know what they want in a wife and unfortunately it’s not you. Don’t let this boyfriend keep you from finding your husband and children.


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## Tdbo

If in 7 years he hasn't even bought a ring and popped the question, he's not going to do it.
After all, why should he? He apparently is getting his needs met without the commitment.
Of course, you could give him the ultimatum and see how he reacts.
Maybe it will work, maybe it won't.
If you get anything, it will probably be the minimum. Just enough to keep you on board.
If you want anything more than what you have now, best to bounce and go find it elsewhere.


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## Works

OdliDPrincess said:


> Hi everyone
> I’m introducing myself. I’m 27 years old. 7 years in a relationship.
> I talk with my bf about marriage occasionally, but he always says this is not the right time. When I ask hem when is the right time he does not give me a certain answer.
> 
> What should I do?


Dump him... He won't ever marry you, if he wanted to he would have already. Sorry.


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## Benbutton

Has he made it clear to you what he wants? 

If he's giving you continuous excuses then he's not committed and its just wasting your time. I don't think I'd be giving ultimatums,, I think its a matter of taking it for what it is and deciding if it's time to go


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## Anastasia6

OdliDPrincess said:


> Hi everyone
> I’m introducing myself. I’m 27 years old. 7 years in a relationship.
> I talk with my bf about marriage occasionally, but he always says this is not the right time. When I ask hem when is the right time he does not give me a certain answer.
> 
> What should I do?


I know this is very hard to accept but it's time for you to end this relationship. He's hanging around, he's comfortable. He wants sex and companionship but isn't ready to commit to YOU. Yes this is about the two of you.

If you go to end the relationship or if you have two kids then he MIGHT marry you. He isn't however madly in love with you or wanting to lock it in. So then if he marries you or gets engaged after you leave or have children, how will you ever feel completely safe or loved in this relationship.

There is someone out there that will actually love you and want to be with you. In the future when dating if things haven't progressed in 2 years then it's time to move on.

It is somewhat understandable that he wasn't ready at 22 but it's way past time.

If you want to force the issue then leave. He'll either step up or he won't.
I would recommend even if he steps up you move on. You deserve someone wildly, madly in love with you who wouldn't share you or risk losing you for anything in the world.

Does he still go out with the boys?


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## re16

Andy1001 said:


> When it comes to marriage if the answer isn’t hell yes then it’s hell no.


This right here ^^^^^

If he is not excited to get married to you, you should move on....


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## re16

I will add this story...

I met my wife at 21, 5 years later I bought a ring and was waiting for it to be completed (took 3 months). During that time my GF flipped out because her best friend got engaged and we hadn't yet got engaged. I couldn't really say anything without spoiling the surprise, so just had to take the emotions....

Doesn't sound like your situation, but if he is making actual moves toward getting a ring, would you know?


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## Mr.Married

In short ….. you are completely wasting your time. You want a guy that says HELL YES !!!

Everything else means…. No !!


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## D0nnivain

I was in your shoes. I waited for 10 years & wasted my childbearing years on a guy I didn't want to accept would never marry me. Don't be me. By the time I met & married my husband kids were no longer an option. The guy who told he me still doesn't believe in marriage remains single, 20 years later. 

These are your choices: 

1. Accept this as it is, not married, never will be 

2. Ask him to marry you but know what you will do if he says no. 

3. Issue an ultimatum but those usually backfire & if you stay after threatening to leave unless he marries you he will know he can walk all over you for the rest of your life. 

4. Walk now or at least as soon as you are ready.


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## SunCMars

Your boyfriend is a boy-friend, not a man-mate, and not _God _sent.

I have no idea of what his feelings are, respecting you.

But, they sound lackadaisical, lacks-a-dik-still. 

What the little head wants, the big head gets, has and holds, and keeps.


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## BigDaddyNY

If he isn't interested after 7 years and can't even give you a straight answer when asking what his timeline looks like, it just isn't in the cards. Do you live together?


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## OdliDPrincess

I cannot believe what you all said here. This cannot be like this. We are together so a long time. I cannot imagine myself without him. I cannot just leave him. Don't know what to do.


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## OdliDPrincess

We spend weekends with his family. We traveled a lot. He doesn't struggle with me. I see it. His friends were telling me stories about his ex. Just a terrible one.
Why? We are so happy together.


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## BigDaddyNY

OdliDPrincess said:


> I cannot believe what you all said here. This cannot be like this. We are together so a long time. I cannot imagine myself without him. I cannot just leave him. Don't know what to do.


You can just wait it out. You can't make him marry you and you can't leave him. Seems you've backed yourself into a corner.

What would he do if you proposed?

You sound very happy with him. Would you remain happy if you never married and it stayed as it is? What is it you want from getting married?


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## OdliDPrincess

I want to feel that he needs me. That he loves me. Take care of me.
And he actually does. He pays all the bills. When we go shopping he is happy to pay for me. I don't ask him, he does it himself. Last weekend he made me coffee and breakfast.
The only thing is that all my friends are already married but me.


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## BigDaddyNY

OdliDPrincess said:


> I want to feel that he needs me. That he loves me. Take care of me.
> And he actually does. He pays all the bills. When we go shopping he is happy to pay for me. I don't ask him, he does it himself. Last weekend he made me coffee and breakfast.
> The only thing is that all my friends are already married but me.


Do you live together? Your relationship sounds pretty fulfilling. What makes you feel that being married will make it better? How much of your desire to get married is due to a little jealousy of your friends' relationships?


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## OdliDPrincess

I don't feel like I'm jealous. My friends always complain about their partners. So... I just feel like I'm not fully into relationships. Like I'm at a distance from him. If I made it clear.

Yes, we live together


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## BigDaddyNY

OdliDPrincess said:


> I don't feel like I'm jealous. My friends always complain about their partners. So... I just feel like I'm not fully into relationships. Like I'm at a distance from him. If I made it clear.
> 
> Yes, we live together


I think I can understand that why you feeling that way. What makes you feel like you aren't fully in the relationship, besides not being married? Is there more to that feeling?

Have you have a discussion with him about these feelings?


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## DaringGreatly

Forget about marriage and rings for a second. Have you had a frank discussion about how your boyfriend sees the rest of his life going? Does it line up with yours? 

My brother was with a partner for 7 years. He wanted kids and a family life - he is an introvert - and liked to be at home when not working. She was a party girl who was a lot of fun but never wanted kids - she was an extravert as well - and always wanted to be going places and doing fun things. 

My brother loved her but never popped to question because he was waiting for her to want to settle down and she was hoping he would become more outgoing and do more things with her. They didn't imagine the same future. Ultimately they broke up. He is now married with two kids and she is engaged to a guy who already had a family and wants to go do the same kind of things she does. 

Do you future aspirations line up beyond the wedding day?


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## Diana7

OdliDPrincess said:


> I cannot believe what you all said here. This cannot be like this. We are together so a long time. I cannot imagine myself without him. I cannot just leave him. Don't know what to do.


Thats why I would never live with a guy who wasn't prepared to commit. Sorry but it's been 7 years. Most people would know after a year if their partner was the one they wanted to marry. Its up to you what you do, but I suspect that if you stay you will be coming here again in 5 years saying the same thing, and 5 years after that, worried you are getting too old to have children.


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## lmucamac

Did you ever have a conversation about marriage and long term goals a year or two into your relationship? Have things changed since then? I’m guessing he said he wasn’t sure, and at that time you were ok with that although you really wanted to eventually get married. Just something to think about.

the truth is he does not want to marry you. Either accept that, or move on.


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## frenchpaddy

OdliDPrincess said:


> Hi everyone
> I’m introducing myself. I’m 27 years old. 7 years in a relationship.
> I talk with my bf about marriage occasionally, but he always says this is not the right time. When I ask hem when is the right time he does not give me a certain answer.
> 
> What should I do?


if he is getting all the benefits of marriage with out marriage why would he change , and he may think it is the cheapest way to go


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## D0nnivain

He probably does love you in his own way. But he will never marry you. 

So if you can't leave him, can you be happy never being married? Those are your choices: him or marriage. You can't have both.


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## Diceplayer

OdliDPrincess said:


> Yes, we live together


Well, there you have it. Why should he marry you? He gets what he wants and doesn't have to commit to you. He's living the dream. You have two choices; accept it or move out. Your decision. And BTW, not making a choice IS a choice.


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## Anastasia6

OdliDPrincess said:


> We spend weekends with his family. We traveled a lot. He doesn't struggle with me. I see it. His friends were telling me stories about his ex. Just a terrible one.
> Why? We are so happy together.


And this is how this insidious thing works. A guy likes you well enough to pay for you and hang out with you. But he's not really sure he wants to commit because reasons.... As others have said for the next girl he dates he might be engaged in 6 months. He's happy with the arrangement. You are mostly happy, you think he must love you he just... Fill in excuse here. 

You'll quietly mention it occasionally he'll toss out the latest excuse and you'll let it go because you love him and don't want to fight. Your friends and relatives will occasionally ask when you are getting married until they stop because they know it's never going to happen. You start bringing it up more often because you want kids or security or the joy of just being wanted, the permeancy and he'll still deflect. Eventually you'll make it a bid deal and he MIGHT then propose cause he isn't ready to give up his comfortable little world. But he'll make the date like 2-3 years in the future. You're happy and you shut up for the next 2-3 years. It costs him a little more because you put in a few deposits and such. Then as the date approaches he starts hemming and hawing. Then you either suddenly realize he never wanted this in the first place, or he actually backs out, or you two do go through with it but he's resentful or you are too. 2-3 years later you end up here... together 18 years married 3..... We see them here all the time. And if the wedding doesn't go through, your here at 33 wondering if it is even possible to meet and marry a guy in time to have your eggs not be infertile or higher risk of a dozen different things wrong with the baby.

Of course the other most popular route is he doesn't marry you and you get accidently pregnant and after the 2nd child you either marry or separate.

I'm sure there are some success stories out there but they are far fewer than the above. 
Usually if someone wants you they don't make it a secret.

I wanted my husband. I told him for Christmas I wanted to get married. He said yes. No hesitation no hemming or hawing. So I'm not opposed to being the one to get things moving. I am opposed to things going nowhere and you wasting all your time. At least you are happy and getting a free ride. Maybe that's enough. Not everyone wants kids and to be claimed. I want and need to be claimed. wanted. loved. jealously guarded.


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## D0nnivain

Do not "accidently" get pregnant just to trap him into marriage.


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## Anastasia6

D0nnivain said:


> Do not "accidently" get pregnant just to trap him into marriage.


Yes I meant the true accidental which seems to happen enough on it's own.

I wouldn't have kids with anyone not willing to totally commit to me.


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## BelsBeast66

OdliDPrincess said:


> Hi everyone
> I’m introducing myself. I’m 27 years old. 7 years in a relationship.
> I talk with my bf about marriage occasionally, but he always says this is not the right time. When I ask hem when is the right time he does not give me a certain answer.
> 
> What should I do?


I don’t really think he’s going to buy the proverbial cow when he’s already getting the milk for free.. 
it may be time to move on, please take the time to find your own value.. you are better then 7 years of nothing.


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## OdliDPrincess

Thank you guys for your replies. I guess right now I need to talk to him seriously. I truly believe he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me.


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## Openminded

What he wants may not include marriage — at least not for the foreseeable future.


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## LATERILUS79

OdliDPrincess said:


> Thank you guys for your replies. I guess right now I need to talk to him seriously. I truly believe he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me.


Best of luck - but if marriage is that important to you, then you need to let him know in no uncertain terms. That means you have to be willing to lose him. If you go in with a bluff, he'll know. Then this cycle continues. You have to be firm. Tell him you want to spend the rest of your life with him and that means marriage. If he doesn't want marriage, that is ok..... but you don't want to be a girlfriend any more then either. And you have to be serious about it too. You have to be willing to leave.


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## ShatteredKat

Pessimist here:


OdliDPrincess said:


> Thank you guys for your replies. I guess right now I need to talk to him seriously. I truly believe he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me.


"Why buy the Cow when the Milk is free?"

SEVEN YEARS? really?

Lady - you are spending time and it is NOT getting you any benefit. Do you really want to marry someone who can't commit after SEVEN YEARS?

I would get theeself into some kind of "IC" as I don't think you have a rational (as in common) assessment of what a healthy male-female relationship should be 
long term.

Well, relationship be a "couple" who share all of life's issues and also sharing body fluids.


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## TRy

OdliDPrincess said:


> I talk with my bf about marriage occasionally, but he always says this is not the right time. When I ask hem when is the right time he does not give me a certain answer.
> 
> What should I do?


In the movie “When Harry Met Sally” Sally was in a long term relationship with a man that she lived with that repeatedly told her that he did not want to ever get married. He had an intellectual school of thought on the topic of why marriage as a concept did not make sense, and for many years she pretended to agree.

A year after Sally broke up with him over his lack of belief in marriage, Sally ran into this ex while shopping with Harry, and the ex introduced her to his wife. When she cried on Harry’s shoulder, she told Harry that she just realized that every time her ex told her that he did not want to ever get married, what he meant was that he did not want to ever get married to her.


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## OdliDPrincess

TRy said:


> In the movie “When Harry Met Sally” Sally was in a long term relationship with a man that she lived with that repeatedly told her that he did not want to ever get married. He had an intellectual school of thought on the topic of why marriage as a concept did not make sense, and for many years she pretended to agree.


But he didn't tell me he does not want to marry me. He doesn't tell any thing about it. Just avoiding the question.


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## OdliDPrincess

Why I'm asking here I want know why he doesn't tell me anything and don't want to talk about this.


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## Openminded

He’s the only one who can answer your questions. You’ll have to have a very frank discussion with him.


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## D0nnivain

OdliDPrincess said:


> Thank you guys for your replies. I guess right now I need to talk to him seriously. I truly believe he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me.





OdliDPrincess said:


> But he didn't tell me he does not want to marry me. He doesn't tell any thing about it. Just avoiding the question.





OdliDPrincess said:


> Why I'm asking here I want know why he doesn't tell me anything and don't want to talk about this.


He's probably not going to come right out & say that he won't marry you. He knows saying that will automatically cause you to dump him & he doesn't want that. He likes the status quo -- all the benefits but only part of the commitment. He can walk away whenever. He will avoid this question like a politician forever because it's nit in his best interest to have a frank discussion with you about not marrying you. 

Again you can have him or marriage but not both. What do you want more?


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## GC1234

OdliDPrincess said:


> Hi everyone
> I’m introducing myself. I’m 27 years old. 7 years in a relationship.
> I talk with my bf about marriage occasionally, but he always says this is not the right time. When I ask hem when is the right time he does not give me a certain answer.
> 
> What should I do?


Is he financially stable? As sad as it is, it seems like maybe you should move on. Is someone who dodges important questions like this worthy of your time? Do you think this is someone who is willing to work on problems in a marriage? If he's barely putting two feet in now, what makes you think he will work for your marriage?

I would say let this one go, and find you someone who has the same value set. Don't be angry with him or yourself, just know that it's time to walk away, and know what you will and won't tolerate in the future. Know your worth, and put your foot down sooner the next time.


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