# Should I tell his ex wife?



## d1221 (Mar 13, 2011)

Going through a divorce I have a stepson that lives out if state and would visit a couple of times each year. I have been in his life fir 11 1/2 years and I cannot let that go. His exwife has no clue what is going on with us and my stepson wanted to come live with us upcoming school year so he did not come down this summer in efforts to stay there and come down when school starts.

I think he had already moved in with his girlfriend and we just recently filed for a divorce.

Apart of me feels like I should let her know and the other part tells me its not my concern anymore. My H does not think our divorce will impact anything with his son coming down but I think he has no clue.

Her and I have talked off and on but I limiyed that in the past because he was jealous she would contact me about their son instead of him. My H does not plan to tell him what happened until he comes here for school year if that happens.

On my end, I would just like it if she kept me posted on how he was doing or didnt mind if I kept in touch every blue moon. I truly love him he is about to start high school and its hard to let go of my love for him, he is an innocent child in this situation. I dont want him to feel like I just walked out of his life since me and his father is not together. I am just not sure what to do now.
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## d1221 (Mar 13, 2011)

I dont think he would have a problem with me staying in touch with him. His exwife, well I just think its wrong to bring him down under false pretenses. Although I a mad as hell I dont want to say something then him try to blame me if his son does not come to live with him but in a way she should know. She contacted me last month because her child support payment was late and I just told her to contact him etc... From putting everything toghether now I think he cheated on his first wife. They were already divorced a few years when we met. Crazy thing is back then he wanted to take things slow not rush into anything but he has dropped all of those standards now...freakin pre mid life crisis and threw everything away oh well.
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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

d, I know, I have neices and nephews that I care about dearly. I am so torn by what to do in my situation as well. I have kept up with them via fb but I don't know what will happen once our D is final. I have known them all their lives. Love them a lot and can't bear to see them as just an ex's family. I am wondering also how this will impact any potential mate in my future, if any. What a frickin' mess. I do empathize with you. I guess for now it's just full steam ahead as usual with them.


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## d1221 (Mar 13, 2011)

Well his family continues to tell me I will always be apart of family. Only a couple of people know what actually happened from what I gather he is telling the bs lie we grew apart...wrong his stupid a%@@ cheated but of course he is going to take high road. Me and his mom still texts she is disappointed in him. I try to keep conversation about him limited because she is awesome and still says I am her daughter. I am very cautious as I know the relationships will have to die down at some point. He never had a close relationship with everyone in my family for various reasons. One of his sisters told him she was going to keep in touch with me anyway. We will see its hard to quickly erase relationships that have been developed etc...
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## d1221 (Mar 13, 2011)

sadand said:


> I would still avoid the call, the worst thing that could happen is that she takes the boy home, and you don't want to be in the middle of those two. IF the boy is safe with his Dad and you are worried about the lie, that is on him. Oh yeah, everything about D sucks for sure. I bet even if you are the one who wants the D it is bad.


Sadand, yeap divorce sucks on many levels. I just refused to be with someone who has done this 2x to me and did not even try to fight for our marriage. I told him I got the message loud and clear.

Thanks for your advice I realize my family is angry and wants me to throw his clothes out etc..i dont have time for that. Like you said I will try to avoid getting caught up in this. If she gets suspicious and ask me I will respond to let her know something is up but to talk to him. I have no need to protect or cover up for him. He needs to handle it and take care of that.

His exwife is temarried he aleays said he wanted to teach his son how to be a man. My question to him is what morals and values will you teach him considering his track record.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Sad and d, I don't think they realize how much damage is done to the family dynamic! I mean, yes, it seems like at this early stage in our breakups, we still keep in touch with our X's extended families because we do care for them and they have also been a part of our lives. But, sadly, in reality once we all hit the point to where we go.our separate ways (sigh) we will no longer have that constant contact and we will probably drift apart. Also, I serioisly doubt that a future gf or bf will be comfortable with us still corresponding with our X's families. Not sure if that's true for everyone but I could understand that. How is it that in my life I have grown and loved those people for 36 years and all of the sudden just like that I am thinking about losing them all. They are out of state about 5 hours away and the only reason I had before to go visit was because of her. Now I have lost that part of my history. Why is it that I can not be so angry at her for doing this to us. I still love her; but I have found the strength to let her go.
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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> ...I don't think they realize how much damage is done to the family dynamic! I mean, yes, it seems like at this early stage in our breakups, we still keep in touch with our X's extended families because we do care for them and they have also been a part of our lives.


I took my son for supper at my father in law and his family yesterday, my wife wasn't there, she was out of town pursuing her new life. The kids were in the backyard playing and so we had a comversation, I learned that they knew of the infidelity but don't know to what extent, I think they assume there is a particular man DS has fallen for (which maybe she has except it was just a casual hookup so I doubt the OM is interested in that - especially after I sent him that text a few weeks ago explaining how irresponsible she has been and the lies she has told the OM to "get them").

Last time I talked to FIL he expressed disappointment in her, this time I could tell he is transferring it onto me: questioning why I failed on the things I failed like advocating for my health better (ie putting pressure on my doctor and surgeon to get ahead on the surgery waitlist), keeping her spending in line, making her more interested in spending time at home etc. My step-mom-in-law is being more reasonable, but I admitted to them last night that I am sorry that I will lose them in my life, they tried to deny but are coming to terms with the reality that I'm no longer their son. This bloody hurts, just as much as losing my wife all over again.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

How old is this kid? Sounds like he's over 18 if you're talking about moving for school.


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## d1221 (Mar 13, 2011)

Hi Staircase,

He is 14.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

OH, ok. Ugh, that's a rough one. If you can be there, be there. My other ex (not my son's father) slowly drifted away when my son was about 12ish after being there for a very long time. He still talks about it and it breaks my heart


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## d1221 (Mar 13, 2011)

Yikes. I don't want that to happen at all. I truly love him. Memorial day sucked for me because that is usually the time we pick him up for the summer and I have stuff planned etc.. 

When your life is not what it use to be anymore its challenging.

I am going to try my best to do that. He is a great young man that I have been blessed with to have in my life. I truly cannot deny that at all. Being a mother to him for all these years I cannot turn that off!!


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Wow, and I am down about my neices and nephews; my situation doesn't even compare to yours. I hope you do make every effort to still be available for him. I can't imagine what you are dealing with there.


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## d1221 (Mar 13, 2011)

Thanks Brighterlite. For now I just try to keep in touch with him as normal and go from there. Hopefully when he founds out someone will let me know so I can contact him or he can call me.

I have no legal rights to do anything so I will just hope and pray for the best in this situation.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

You don't need legal rights where love and care are concerned. No one can tell you or take away from you who you can love or not love. All they can do is say you can't contact him; but if they (whomever that might be) do that, then they are not considering your stepson's feelings and are essentually hurting him so I would think you would have any problems staying in touch with him. I will pray for you to keep that relationship.
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