# What leads to cheating?



## Tersi (Aug 5, 2013)

I am a new wife well a wife of soon to be two years. I love my husband more than anything and our sex life is great. However, I think my husband has started to take me for granted and I don't know how to break him out of it! He refuses to do anything I like or take me on a date. He flat out insults most of my hobbies and can't seem to understand why I like them. (This would include disliking my dogs and horses and speaking to them in ways that always starts a very large fight between us). He knew I had my animals from before we got married and as fine with them up until several months ago. (He was never into participating in my life though, he just now is trying to keep me from it.) To make things worse, one of my old flames has resurfaced. He's hot, caring and understand and best of all has always held my animals in the same high standards as I do. Avoiding him is next to impossible; we keep our horses in the same place and live on the same street. He went from lover to friends years before my husband and married but now that I'm feeling so miserable with my husband all I can think of were the amazing times I had with this other guy and how he always went out of his way to make me feel amazing. I haven't done anything with him, and I've been doing my best to avoid it but I'm hoping I can find a way to tell my husband he NEEDS to compromise that this marriage isn't all about him or he will lose me.


----------



## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Have him read His Needs, Her Needs...

You husband loves you I assume. You need to talk to him. Your feelings are exactly what leads to cheating. Doing so will ruin people's lives make no doubt. Don't entertain the idea.

If your husband is being a tool, he really needs to know how to treat a wife that will respect him. If you respect him, he should love you. If he loves you, you should respect him. You need to communicate this. You need to talk to him.

Those feelings you have about the other guy... If you can't be with your husband divorce him but don't ever cheat. There is many times no going back from that.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> What leads to cheating?


The will.
You are already firmly planted into "the grass is greener" mindset. Precisely becasue you are now in a very vulnerable state you must strengthen your personal boundaires. Don't share anything about your marriage issues, don't complain about your husband or marriage. Keep the distance. Don't seek nor let him to fill emotional needs which your husband should.
Stay away from this man. ASAP.
Also, commit and stick to a mental diet: refuse to feed fantasies with this man, reject daydreaming, envision an STOP sign every time you catch yourself.

Adress with your husband whatever issue you have with him. Or divorce him with self respect and your integrity intact.


----------



## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

Shake you husband and make him understand! He needs to realize just because you're married he could still lose you, maybe he is taking you for granted. tell him, and if you really love him tell him until he really understands what he can lose. 

Honesty really would have helped me.


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

I agree with the others assessments except when it seems that all think he is to blame for everything. , You need to make sure that you are not being overbearing and a bully in the situation. You never said that you did anything that he likes, so I would hope that you are even though all I hear is me, my, I and so on. You too need to find hobbies that you share together. You can't always expect that the two of you are going to like the same things and have the same values. 

Just because he doesn't have the love for animals that you do doesn't make him evil and don't expect him to behave accordingly. You have your hobbies and I assume he has his, you both now need to find hobbies that are yours together. Do you spend lots of time with your animals and he is jealous perhaps of that relationship? I agree that things need to change but I am not going to take the side that he is all to blame, as it sounds like you both are to blame. You need to support him as much as he needs to support you. Sit down and talk as maybe he doesn't realize you are being treated as bad as you think and maybe he feels that you are slighting him in favor of your animals. 

You need to read Not Just Friends before it is too late as you are starting down the wrong path possibly. I would also recommend His Needs, Her Needs as suggested prior along with The 5 Love Languages. All of these should help and get your H to read them along with you. Hopefully it will open both your eyes and help to stimulate conversation and change in both of you. 

Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> This would include disliking my dogs and horses and speaking to them in ways that always starts a very large fight between us).


Really? Then in my opinion, you should get rid of him.

And I am not joking. Make him history.

If he doesn't like your dogs and horses, and speaks badly to them, he should go. Seriously.


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

What leads to cheating?

Lack of character.

It's OK that your husband is not a nice person and you don't want him anymore. Just file for divorce. Separate. Tell everyone. Then you can start up with your old boyfriend.

Lying to your husband and cheating behind his back is wrong, even if he is not a nice person.

What do you think the right thing to do is in your situation?


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Give this old flame two years and some @ss and he will be treating you just like our old man.

Tell you old man your done and get the phuck out before you become someone you never thought you would become.

Marriage is all about choices, and the only thing that is constant is change..... So it is up to your old man to make a change or it is up to you to make a change and *leave your old man now*...but at the end of the day your thoughts of betrayal should be unexceptable!

Please make the choice to work on making your old man change by telling him that its time to sh!t or get off the pot!

Your DEFCON 4 in the marriage, don't phuck it up by betraying a man you once loved just cuz some old flame wants his penis wet.

Thats my $0.02

Been here to damn long to see that regret is looking you in the eye and you just don't see it cuz Mr. old flame is so wonderful ...*NOW* 

Again give it a few years and that old flame will be just like your old man....by then you'll have your eye on some strange...maybe some younger strange?

Sorry for being so harsh..I am in the camp that believes the harder the sh1t, the greater the reward...stick with your old man...he is like good wine...you have to stomp on the grapes to yield a good wine!


----------



## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

When people start flirting with others they start seeing faults in their spouse to justify their cheating. I think this is where you are at.


----------



## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Poor boundaries.


----------



## Labcoat (Aug 12, 2012)

None of HIS actions can lead to YOUR cheating. You ARE an adult, right?

You have 3 choices. 1) work it out with your husband. 2) Divorce and start a "new" life with the "old" boyfriend and your horse. 3) Cheat on him and lose your horse in the divorce, of course.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If this other guy is so amazing, why did you not marry him?

Does he feel the same way you do? Or this is all one sided?

Either work on your marriage or get a divorce. Do not start an affair while married.


----------



## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Prepare to become a statistic.


----------



## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Start MC asap. Remember why you broke up with the other guy and married your husband. If things don't work out between you and your husband, then at least have the minimum decency to divorce him before jumping into the bed with Mr Wonderful.


----------



## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

You are eating a sh!t sandwich and you want cake - right? Go and get the cake then, but you can't have both. A sh!t sandwich followed by a cake chaser - not allowed sunshine. Unless you are a worthless two timing piece of work that is.


----------



## TimesOfChange (Mar 20, 2013)

Tersi said:


> I am a new wife well a wife of soon to be two years. I love my husband more than anything and our sex life is great. However, I think my husband has started to take me for granted and I don't know how to break him out of it! He refuses to do anything I like or take me on a date. He flat out insults most of my hobbies and can't seem to understand why I like them. (This would include disliking my dogs and horses and speaking to them in ways that always starts a very large fight between us). He knew I had my animals from before we got married and as fine with them up until several months ago. (He was never into participating in my life though, he just now is trying to keep me from it.) To make things worse, one of my old flames has resurfaced. He's hot, caring and understand and best of all has always held my animals in the same high standards as I do. Avoiding him is next to impossible; we keep our horses in the same place and live on the same street. He went from lover to friends years before my husband and married but now that I'm feeling so miserable with my husband all I can think of were the amazing times I had with this other guy and how he always went out of his way to make me feel amazing. I haven't done anything with him, and I've been doing my best to avoid it but I'm hoping I can find a way to tell my husband he NEEDS to compromise that this marriage isn't all about him or he will lose me.


You gave the answer to yourself.


----------



## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Do you want to feel justified in allowing yourself to feel closer to the old boyfriend? That is certainly how it seems..
You have a responsibility to your marriage and you need to stay away from the ex. You gloat about all the positives of the ex and it shows your pitiful infatuation with him. This means mentally you are already sabotaging your marriage. You need to wake up from the fog you are in. If the ex tried to make a move on you today, I bet you would let it happen. Because you feel you deserve to be happy. Ever think maybe your husband is not happy and resents your hobbies. Maybe you spend too much time on them and not enough on him. Maybe you spend too much money on them. Maybe he knows you are using the horses as an excuse to hang around your ex.. Lots of maybe's out there... I think you need to take a hard look at yourself and your marriage and be more honest.


----------



## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

"Avoiding him is next to impossible; we keep our horses in the same place and live on the same street."

This comes off as a "don't tell me to cut ties with him" if you want to save your marriage you would send stable boy a no contact letter after you tell your husband and take the horse elsewhere and even move. Nothing is impossible. 

Read the book "not just friends" it will help you sort out your feelings
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Tersi said:


> I am a new wife well a wife of soon to be two years. I love my husband more than anything and our sex life is great. However, I think my husband has started to take me for granted and I don't know how to break him out of it! He refuses to do anything I like or take me on a date. He flat out insults most of my hobbies and can't seem to understand why I like them. (This would include disliking my dogs and horses and speaking to them in ways that always starts a very large fight between us). He knew I had my animals from before we got married and as fine with them up until several months ago. (He was never into participating in my life though, he just now is trying to keep me from it.) To make things worse, one of my old flames has resurfaced. He's hot, caring and understand and best of all has always held my animals in the same high standards as I do. Avoiding him is next to impossible; we keep our horses in the same place and live on the same street. He went from lover to friends years before my husband and married but now that I'm feeling so miserable with my husband all I can think of were the amazing times I had with this other guy and how he always went out of his way to make me feel amazing. I haven't done anything with him, and I've been doing my best to avoid it but I'm hoping I can find a way to tell my husband he NEEDS to compromise that this marriage isn't all about him or he will lose me.


If you continue in feeding the feelings of fantasy with the old flame you are headed for disaster. Your husband may be jealous of your animals. Seriously. The attention you are giving them may be construed in his mind that he feels you are ignoring him. This may not be fair to you but in some men jealousy of animals and the attention you are giving them can cause problems in a M.

I would step back, take a breath, and really look at what is going on in your M. Is it as bad as you are painting it to us? It is all too common that prior to an A a woman will paint the M as horrible. My husband is controlling, mean, not attentive, etc. All the while if a neutral thrid person would be observing the M they would not see any of it and in fact would see that the wife has started to disengage from the M. And if we could get into your head we would see you in fantasy land. The hot, attentive, past flame who has similar interst, is so appealing. You are falsely thinking of how life will be with this guy and it is all based on a fake, plastic, ideal world that is an illusion. I may be wrong but my wife painted me to friends and some family members as a mean, abusive, non-attentive, self centered SOB, and none of it was true. I did get verbally abusive after the A was discovered, but I was never that way prior to my wife's A, and this is the part I may be wrong. The way my wife painted me to others (behind my back) was a lie. I pray that this is not the case for you, if so you need to stop now.

All you are remembering is the good times you had with a former lover. If he was such a fine catch why didn't you marry him? So now you are thinking of hooking up with him. You and I emphasize "YOU" will destroy two marriages if you continue on this path.

You need to focus on your M. Get thoughts of this former lover out of your head. Even if you decide to D your H, let the other guy alone.


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Selfishness is what lead to cheating in my marriage. 

Buy two copies of his needs and her needs. Read them together. 

You also could benefit from reading not just friends. 

While you are going through these processes. Focus on your marriage. Try mc as well. 

If your marriage is broken and you want out then be honorable about it and do not cause the pain from an affair as it will hurt many people yourself included. Do not actively acquire the label of cheater. 

If you need help getting away from om ask your h for his intervention. A nonviolent intervention that is. 

You cannot heal your marriage while investing emotional energy in another man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

workindad said:


> Selfishness is what lead to cheating in my marriage.
> 
> Buy two copies of his needs and her needs. Read them together.
> 
> ...


So many times I see these threads that start with someone wanting permission to feel as they do and we let them know their story is riddled with holes about their own actions and they disappear. 
To this poster, I certainly hope you are reading these comments and realize that the consensus is what it is for a reason. We do not all see the wrong picture and you see the right picture. You came here for help, not for permission to be wrong. We see the "wrong" in your story and we hope you will see it as many of us are pointing it out to you. Do not assume we are wrong or jaded, we are experienced and being helpful. Look at your words, look at how you are allowing yourself to feel about the ex and realize we all know where this leads. When you cross the line it will be forever. When you break your vows, it cannot be undone. If you truly feel disrespected by your husband then do something constructive about it and communicate this to him in a way that makes him understand you will leave him if it is not repaired. Continue with your current actions and you will end up alone or used like so many others that feel they knew better than all the advice.
I hope you are listening..


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You are in a super vulnerable position right now with your marriage; your husband isn't meeting your needs, blowing you off and not wanting to spend time with you. That kills a lady's respect for a man really fast. 

Add to this, your "old flame" has resurfaced. 

This = molotov c-cktail.

My advice: Stay away from the former flame. The fact that you have a history is dangerous to your marriage, especially since you are describing him in the ways you are. You had and may still have a connection with him so he is a CODE RED DANGER ALERT to your marriage and mental state.

Ask yourself how you would feel if your husband were having contact with his old flame, describing her as you are this guy. You wouldn't like it. Be honest.

Talk to your husband. A serious talk about how you are feeling neglected. Tell him to meet you halfway. 

And stay away from this other guy.

Take it from someone who has been there. Do not go there.


----------



## stevesvws (May 13, 2013)

Very simple answer. Don't cheat. 

Many others have posted, so here is my .02. 

Don't be an A'hole and cheat!

You'll hate yourself for it later. And the man that really loves you will hate you. 

Then both of you will live in an f'd up situation you'll have to dig out of. Which of course, you the cheater caused. 

Plus, that old flame will have to go, because after you f'd everything up, you have to go NO contact on him and you will never see him again, which you will hate. 

My Advice. Talk to your husband, tell him your feelings. It's good for both of you. I suggest marriage counseling, it's good for both of you. 

My wife cheated on me 4 mos ago and we are digging out the mess she created by sleeping with a "friend". Because he said he loved her, and they made each other feel special. What a load of ****. 

Anyway, I wish she would have sought advice before ever doing such a thing.


----------



## superspy (Mar 4, 2013)

I am going through a painful time right now as my H has had an EA (at least that's all I've uncovered ...). We talked about the things that lead him there (aside form the obvious terrible choices) and he was feeling the way you are now.... Neither of us talked about how we were feeling. This was a huge mistake that I have to take some responsibility for as well. Some of my actions, and lack of action, made him feel like I no longer desired him or even loved him. Instead od coming to me with his feeling so I could explain what was going on, he assumed I was involved with someone and wanting out of the marriage. If we had talked, ALL of this could have been prevented! We could have addressed each others needs so he didn't feel as if he had to go outside our marriage to get what he wanted. The saddest part of it all, and most ironic, is that during that time, our needs were EXACTLY the same..... go to MC and IC. Hit him over the head with an ultimatum. Tell him how you feel. There was once love there, right? There was a reason you married each other.... At least give him a chance to try and improve things before you do something that will scar the both of you for life....


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Don't cheat but maybe you should consider firing your husband? He doesn't seem to be doing the job.

Anyone who lives with someone who keeps animals knows that, it many ways, you come second to the animals.


----------



## Labcoat (Aug 12, 2012)

nogutsnoglory said:


> Continue with your current actions and you will end up alone or used like so many others that feel they knew better than all the advice.
> I hope you are listening..


So true. So many women ended up, sat next to me during my hard drinking days with these sad, pathetic stories."I'm old and barren nd now my ex-husband is having his third!" Or "my daughter finally talked to her father and now she won't tal to me!"

Ugh. I need to find another bar!


----------



## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

'What leads to cheating?'

Exactly the ingredients you have in your life now...

Work your side, and get him to work his side of your relation.

Tell him how it is, just like in your first post.

Have MC. If not, have him have IC, If not, present divorce papers.

That might wake him up, but maybe not, and then you can avert your life now for the better.


----------



## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Do not cheat. Be a better person. If you are going to cheat, divorce first. However, your husband may feel second to your animals and neglected. Try talking to him and see about some counseling first.


----------



## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

Tersi said:


> *He's hot, caring* and understand and best of all has always held my animals in the same high standards as I do. Avoiding him is next to impossible;
> 
> I haven't done anything with him, and I've been doing my best to avoid it but I'm hoping I can find a way to *tell my husband he NEEDS to compromise that this marriage isn't all about him or he will lose me.*


What leads to cheating? Well, your current mindset for starters. I wonder if you are only cherry-picking the worst traits about your husband in order to paint him in a bad light. It sure seems so. You told us all about what is wrong about him and nothing good.

Additionally, you had nothing but glowing remarks about this other guy. You sound like you are in a very selfish mental state at the moment. Almost as if you want justification for your selfish desires.

If your husband truly is as bad as you describe (which I doubt), then just divorce him. Whatever you do, don't cheat or begin the cheating process by flirting, hanging out, etc with this other guy. Everybody loses when you take that road.


----------



## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> What leads to cheating?
> 
> Lack of character.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Yes, thank you. Lack of character - more than anything else. e.g. a person lacking the ability to love, or to feel empathy for another human being, combined with little to no self awareness or integrity. that's how you'll be thought of if you cheat - and not just by your ex-husband.


----------

