# trying to save my marriage



## nowiseethelight (Dec 3, 2010)

I will try and keep this to the important details. 
Questions are welcome. I am 8 days past discovering
that my wife has been involved in a p/a for the past 6 mos.
My story reads like a textbook from everything I've been reading online.
Don't mistake my haste to tell the story for lack of
caring as my first draft took 1 hour then I lost it 
when it said I wasn't logged in any more,grrr! Also I'm at work.

All the symptoms were there, the lack of communication, her ability to always arrange for us to not be alone, constantly going out, coming home late, you've heard it all before.I finally looked into her phone records and discovered some disturbing habbits, did a search on the number and that gave me most of what I needed. Once I saw one of their texts and heard
a voice message on her phone that let me now just how deep she had gotten herself, completely in love with the OM. That was Thanksgiving. I confronted her and got the reaction I was fearing, void of most emotion, I'm mostly convinced
that she wanted me to just throw her out, take the decision out of her hands and make it easy on her to do what she wouldn't have the strength to do.

Once i had a few hours to think about things I knew what I hasd to do if I wanted to even have a chance at saving what is most important to me. I told her i forgave her and begged for a chance to fix it, counseling of course.

Since then I been up and down in ways I never thought imaginable, some of it very dark and I don't want to be there again. After 8 days I can finally eat without feeling like it's going to come up and also get some sleep.

We had our first appointment with our counseler and it was both good and bad. Good in the sesnse that we were able to talk to someone and get some things out but bad because
she ultimately refused to end the p/a with the om, at least in the manner that the counseler said which included her ending it with him on the phone with me on the line. I feel she wants
to try but ending the p/a isn't going to be easy.

Our history is together since seniors in high school, married 11 of our 21 years together and we share a beautiful 4.5 yr old daughter.

The thing I;m trying to decide now if it's in our best interests for me to remain in our bed and in our home for the time being. I'm wondering if my closeness and frequent I love yous are doing more harm than good. It could be arranged relatively easy and would not change my shcedule with my daughter.
Make no mistake that i am 100% commited to my marriage and am willing to do whatever it takes to help it. I just don't want to do anything that will make it worse. Any help you guys can offer me would be greatly appreciated.

thanks


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## Toby T (Dec 1, 2010)

I'm sorry to read your story, nowiseethelight. a) don't leave your house, that could be construed as abandonment and would not be good on any front. b) it is good that she is willing to try counseling, very good. You say she doesn't want to end the affair your way, (or the counselor) is she willing to end it at all?

Don't beg and plead, it just comes across as needy. I would say just continue to let her know you want to work on it. Put on a strong, business like approach, try not to show too much emotion. Try to find strength for yourself, keep your spirits up. Be sure to show your daughter extra love and attention. 

All this sounds hard, I know, but have faith that things will work out for the best. There are many good people here that will help you.


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## why do I still love him (Dec 3, 2010)

I agree with Toby. Everything I have read on these posts says dont move out. My husband cheated, and he moved out, and now I feel like reconciliation is further away than it was when he was here and we were struggling. I am so sorry that this happened to you. I know that feeling all to well lately. Have you exposed the affair to family/friends?


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## nowiseethelight (Dec 3, 2010)

Thanks for the reply Toby, I agree leaving the house probably won't help much. I think it's mostly my desire to try and control something that I've had no control over for so long.

I have told a very limited number of family and friends, keeping it as discrete as I can for fear of alienating her. I have read some about the difficulty of the ds to break it off with the om and I'm trying to keep that in mind but it is proving to be an extreme challenge as I try and manage my own feelings that are all over the place.

I'm trying to think of it as she is still the women that I fell in love with and spent so many years with but is caught in a bad place, where she is relying on me to pull her through. Wishful thinking, maybe but it's all I have right now. I appreciate your replys.


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## nowiseethelight (Dec 3, 2010)

I don't know if she honestly wants to end it or not. Things continue to change for me on a daily basis and it's hard for me to keep up or to cope. I continue to find new things out and observe continued weird behavior. Nothing makes sense and she does just about nothing to reassure me and definitely nothing to try and show any signs of remorse. I'm still praying for a happy ending as it's only been 9 days but my patience are running thin. 

My gut tells me that she has taken this affair completely underground and has no intention of ending it anytime soon. I plan on calmly confronting her tonight about her inability to give me anything in the area of things that I read she should be agreeing to do or cooperating with. It's this kind of stuff that could find me not sharing a roof with her because I don't know if I can handle the dishonesty and deceit right in front of me and under my nose.

I'm hoping you guys can give me some advice about how to confront her and if I should be threatening anything, such as more exposure or anything else.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Dont threaten NO NO NO..... If you tell her anything be prepared and understand all the consequences to your dicisions.


As far as confronting her;
You have nothing to show her, no proof, she will lie, she will look you in the eye and tell you what ever you want to hear. I won't confront her until you can hand her a copy of her text messages, emails,phone bill or letter. Pictures and videos are the best proof. And remember beprepared to back up what ever you tell her.
Talk is cheap so if you go for a devorce have the papers in hand.


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## nowiseethelight (Dec 3, 2010)

I have all the evidence, I probably wasn't as clear as I should've been about all that, but yes I have more than you can imagine. The problem is it doesn't matter, she seems to be taking full advantage of my desire to play the loyal husband and save our marriage and family. This is precisely why I feel I need to apply at least some amount of pressure.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

I feel for ya "i see":

many threads/posts here for u to read/investigate. also, i'd 
contact or read tanelornpetes/affaircares old posts as they went thru this together in a EA only tho' i believe.

the secular man side of me would advise u to move on. but the Christian in me, says no, not just yet.

i dont think i'd have the strength/fortitude to put up w/ the 
DS giving me negative vibe stuff, nor would i wanna be seen
as "needy" desperate whathaveyou. 

but in Jesus, i can do all things!

u have to check or grow yer pain tolerance levels as it seems
thats where u r dwelling presently, tks to yer W putting u 
thru the ringer. if not, then u have to plan yer exit strategy
and grow some cohones to do it.

best of all.......shalom.............


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## csugar (Dec 1, 2010)

I'm by no means an expert on this (nor do I want to be), but as a wife that has cheated I can attest to the destruction that follows falling in love with OM. Do you know the OM and have you reached out to him? I don't know if that's the right thing to do, but I can't imagine that it would hurt your current situation.

If your wife is unwilling to end it, which seems to be the case, you need to have her move out until she comes to her senses. She'll likely realize her mistake, but it'll take time because she's infatuated with OM.. Be prepared to wait for her, but not unconditionally and let her know this.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Best of luck.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Hi nowiseethelight

Sorry for your position and welcome to the forum 

It looks like you have already done some of the spade work.

A few pointers, 

You have to have a plan and a process that you can follow, many here will give an opinion, these are valid as they will be responding to your latest post, however this is a journey that is is going to have many ups and and downs and there is no guarantee that your marriage will survive. 

The one I suggest you take is the Dr. Harley approach, details of this can be found on the marriage builders site or the affaircare site, the latter follows a lot of the marriage builders principles with adaptations , both will offer sample no contact letters and processes plus ways to improve yourself .

You have evidence...your objective at the moment is to get the OM out of the way and to let everyone close to you, family friends, hers and yours know she is in an affair and with who. Your marriage can survive her anger it cannot survive the OM. If he is in the picture there is no marriage. 

Load a keylogger on the PC and track those calls and text messages. you are correct in assuming this has gone underground and experience says it will have.

Insist on an STD test ASAP, you go with her. 


If the OM is single you let his family, parents, siblings, friends, etc, know. It is harder to get rid of a single or divorced OM. Part of the reason why I said track the mails and, calls and text messages, if this is during work hours he is using company time, if he is persistent and will not leave your wife you do what you have to do and call his HR department. 

For a married OM do the same and let his wife know, his wife may not do much so a lot will rely on you. 

Follow a Plan A for yourself, search my posts I have high level points on a plan A and samples of an exposure mail. 

Set a date for Plan A to finish , typically 4 - 6 weeks then switch to Plan B 

Plan B is for your protection, you go dark , your wife leaves the house , you file a formal separation, your child stays with you, she pays 50% of the mortgage etc... Many baulk at this however it is intended to ensure your wife understands what she is losing. 

There is a high success rate following these plans, I do however caution you must always assume the worst, this prepares you for any negative surprises that may occur. 

Keep a journal of events , what is said and done, how you feel at the time, mistake you have made etc.

This is going to be a stressful time for you, so eat well, go to the doctor if you must. 

Your wife is in the fog and until that fog is lifted and the OM permanently out of the picture you are fighting on a daily basis for your marriage. 

Wish you well..


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## nowiseethelight (Dec 3, 2010)

Thanks for the replys. Eli, do you think it is a bad idea for me to arrange for us to get away for a few days. I fully realize how important it is for me to get her away from the om right now but i feel as though my hands are tied. Right now the fog is winning and I'm feeling more desperate than ever to try and open her eyes to the reality of the situation.

Should I be sharing the steps and things that need to be done with her or should I just commit to a plan and do it without alerting her. Any tips on exposing things to family and friends, both ours and the om's would be greatly appreciated. Proper protocol and etiquate, as always I don't want to make anything worse.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> do you think it is a bad idea for me to arrange for us to get away for a few days


 ---only once you have busted the affair, If it is the two of you only then go, do not expect it all to be intimate or anything, use this time talk, walk, be together as a couple.


> right now the fog is winning and I'm feeling more desperate than ever to try and open her eyes to the reality of the situation.


 The fog is winning because she has contact with the OM and has no incentive to stop. She is not ashamed because it is a little secret that you are now are part of. and she and the OM are in a protected world. 



> Should I be sharing the steps and things that need to be done with her or should I just commit to a plan and do it without alerting her.


 No you do not share any detail with her, you be an amazing husband , make the home a place for her to be but know that she is cheating and will carry on doing so until she is put in the spot light. 



> Any tips on exposing things to family and friends, both ours and the om's would be greatly appreciate



An extract below:



> Everyone should know what happened -- children, relatives, friends, and especially the children and spouse of the lover -- so that the affair is exposed to the light of day. What often makes affairs appealing is that it is done in secret. Most affairs become very unappealing once everyone knows about it.
> 
> "Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery."


If she uses facebook make a copy of EVERY facebook friend she has because it will no longer be available after you expose.


I would say something like this:



> Dear __________, I would like to ask you to support ___________
> and myself in restoring our marriage which currently is
> undergoing an extremely difficult time due to ____________ and _________________ being involved in an adulterous affair which is affecting our marriage and both of our physical and mental health. I know you care about ____________ and want only the best for her which clearly being used in an adulterous affair is not. I would like to ask your help in recommending marital counseling to her to guide us through this difficult spot in our marriage.
> 
> Thank you. _______________



You would mail and or text this to the parties you are exposing to, for parents call them, her parents are likely to support her and may ask for some evidence, hence copies of txt messages is important. For facebook you would use the facebook messaging, this one is slow and facebook limits the amount you can send per hour, patience is the name of the game. 

This has to be a total exposer no drip drip, no partial effort.

You have not said if you know the OM, is he married ..etc you have to make his life very uncomfortable so the exposer goes broader than you and her friends and family.

Key is to set the time aside and do it the longer you wait the more difficult it becomes.

Always remember , your marriage can survive her anger, it cannot survive if the affair is still in progress


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Try the following sites for sample NC letters and a other articles.

Affaircare atricles.

Articles

read through the" talkaboutmarriage" forum and the following 

Surviving an Affair - Marriage Builders® Forums

Marriage builder articles

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html

Please note that these two sites offer you a process to save your marriage, no guarantees are given though they do have a high success rate, you can adapt them to your own situation, the word is adapt not compromise.


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## nowiseethelight (Dec 3, 2010)

Unfortunately I just this morning asked her to look on both this site and marriage builders thinking it could possibably give her some much needed perspective on the situation, my mistake.

If I understand you correctly you think I should do a full scale exposure to all, I guess I can see the logic but it will take an extreme leap of faith on my part and probably be the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Would I try that before we try to get away, would definitely hamper my ability to pull that off.

Yes I have talked to the om. I remained amazingly calm, all I wanted to tell him was that I knew my part in how we got there and I knew her part and that I forgave her and was willing to do whatever it takes to keep my family together. He surprisingly had alot to say, felt bad all summer and tried to avoid it initially, that kind of stuff.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> If I understand you correctly you think I should do a full scale exposure to all, I guess I can see the logic but it will take an extreme leap of faith on my part and probably be the hardest thing I have ever had to do.


Do you think the affair is over, trust your gut. Is she willing to give you full transparency to her every movement, all calls, passwords, write the NC letter and commit to 100% to the marriage. 

If so then limit it to her family and yours. Do not be fooled , her every action, words and deeds are to you and the marriage. If there is any doubt you expose now.. time is not on your side. I suggest you tell her parents , siblings and yours pronto.

You have said you think it has gone underground, this is your gut telling you something is wrong.... so nuclear exposure . 

As she may be on the two sites already she is learning what the steps are and will be trying to counter them as you read this post. 



> Would I try that before we try to get away, would definitely hamper my ability to pull that off.


To go on a break and then expose is not the way forward,cancel the break until you have certainty the affair is over. 




> He surprisingly had alot to say, f*elt bad all summer and tried to avoid it initially*, that kind of stuff.


Lies Lies Lies, ..it did not stop him pulling his zip down, its all part of the script. Do not talk to him, he must never come near you or your wife again. 

You spoke to him now give him a good reason to stay away, tell his wife, if he is single tell his parents. 

As for your wife you take the NC letter from the Affaircare site, she writes, you read and she mails or posts in your presence. 

If she declines you have your answer.

You are in a dilemma about exposure of the truth or standing back.. standing back is a win for the affair..exposure is a win for the marriage. If she is that committed to the marriage she herself would be with you telling her parents and family she was in an affair with the OM. I am guessing she is not doing much telling.... ...

If your wife was on here we would be saying the same, she tells all of the affair, no lies, no dishonesty, so secrecy, she is fully transparent on everything, she commits fully to the marriage and the processes to repair it..


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## nowiseethelight (Dec 3, 2010)

Thank you so much eli and others who posted. You have giving me much needed help and I will have much to think about. I will try and update as either way things go I'll be needing help for some time to come.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

I wish you luck

Make sure you do a good job exposing and don't play around. Half measures will get you nowhere. .

Stopping the affair is the easy part, rebuilding the marriage is more difficult. both you and your wife have to work hard to make the marriage a better marriage. 

A lot of effort is required to fill the love banks on both sides and keep them filed.


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