# Question about dating.



## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Ok, I was married 30 years to my high school sweetheart, have now been divorced 2 years in October. I have dated a few very nice women since that time, one for a year. But none of them has struck me as being the one I want to commit to for the long long haul. Not ever dated before my D, I really have no experience, so come here looking for help and input. I have read about the plan of threes expressed here. That you date at least 3 women at the same time until you find the right one, the one who is your everything. Sounds like a good plan, but have yet to find anyone who thinks the same! All the women I talk to are not interested in "dating" they prefer to go the "relationship" route. Basically, they want to be exclusive, not them or I date anyone else. What ends up happening is once I determine they are not "the one" then it gets kinda ugly disconnecting. I don't want to hurt anyones feelings, so I end up dating them longer than I desire,putting off the crap, and they end up getting hurt. (evidently I am a desireable guy as none has broke it off with me). I was having sex with the women I date, have decided that that is a mistake, because it creates a desire to be exclusive (get that completely) but they seem to be reluctant to date if sex is not involved. (let alone me, cant believe I would go for no sex but willing to if that is what it takes). How do you approach..."dating"?


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Just be up front in the beginning that you aren't looking for your next LTR.

Tell them that, if it happens it happens, but you're not putting that much pressure on yourself, or her.

If she's not ok with that, then the relationship will not really get started, so no hard feelings.

Believe it or not, there are plenty of women out there that only want "to date".


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Hoosier said:


> Ok, I was married 30 years to my high school sweetheart, have now been divorced 2 years in October. I have dated a few very nice women since that time, one for a year. But none of them has struck me as being the one I want to commit to for the long long haul. Not ever dated before my D, I really have no experience, so come here looking for help and input. I have read about the plan of threes expressed here. That you date at least 3 women at the same time until you find the right one, the one who is your everything. Sounds like a good plan, but have yet to find anyone who thinks the same! All the women I talk to are not interested in "dating" they prefer to go the "relationship" route. Basically, they want to be exclusive, not them or I date anyone else. What ends up happening is once I determine they are not "the one" then it gets kinda ugly disconnecting. I don't want to hurt anyones feelings, so I end up dating them longer than I desire,putting off the crap, and they end up getting hurt. (evidently I am a desireable guy as none has broke it off with me). I was having sex with the women I date, have decided that that is a mistake, because it creates a desire to be exclusive (get that completely) but they seem to be reluctant to date if sex is not involved. (let alone me, cant believe I would go for no sex but willing to if that is what it takes). How do you approach..."dating"?


The idea is to date three people at the same time WITHOUT intimacy so you don't get overly attached to one or the other for the wrong reasons or feel like you have to choose either/or. Having 3 takes pressure off choosing one over the other in the 2-person situation. And it's not about only dating 3 and picking the best from 3. Have 3 going at any given time - not necessary the same 3:

Schedule dates 1, 2 and 3. Right away you don't like 2. Thank her for her time, say you don't' feel any chemistry, wish her luck. Find #4. Now you are dating 1,3 and 4. Four turns out to be crazy. Break it off with four saying you two are looking for different things right now. Now you are dating 1,3 and 5. Pretty soon 1 starts getting possessive and pressing for exclusivity but you are unsure. You have to break it off and tell her you aren't ready. Now you have 3 and 5. You add six to the mix or maybe 3 is the one you want to focus on so you send your regrets and become exclusive with 3.

Point is, it isn't one set of 3 women. It's 3 at any given time. It keeps you from becoming overly emotionally attached to one person too soon before you really get to know them. It helps keep sex out of the equation as well.

Explain you ARE looking for a LTR but in order to get there, you have to date to find her and that you prefer the slow and steady approach. Tell them you prefer to wait for sex until you are exclusive and you aren't quite ready for exclusive after coming out of such a long relationship.

If they don't understand, they aren't the right women. The purpose isn't to find a sex partner, but to find a partner. Sex will naturally follow.

That's great you are in such high demand. It's good for your ego and you probably need that right now.  But sex too soon clouds judgement for both genders. Putting it off helps both parties make better decisions.

Been there/done that, have 10 years post divorce dating experience to know.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Enjoli,

Are you looking for a LTR?


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I'm hoping for an eventual LTR by way of dating.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I'm hoping for an eventual LTR by way of dating.


Nicely put.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

EW nailed it.

This kind of dating is what guys that become over attached need. I am one of those guys. And doing this was the best thing to ever happen to me.

When you are dating multiple women at once, it is impossible to put too much energy into one person. it is impossible to idolize someone when you have a couple on deck. You don't put up with sh*t when you are giving up your precious dating free time to spend with someone and they treat you like crap. It also creates an environment where you are not desperate and therefore can more easily spot the crazy.

The rules you create are really up to you. I ended up sleeping with a few of the women I was just dating, but I was always 100% honest and up front with them about it. My only rule was that I was going to be up front and truthful and that if anyone was going to get hurt it would not be because I was dishonest.

I ended up having sex with my current GF. She said afterwards, we can keep dating casually, but I'm not comfortable having sex with you if you are having sex with other people. I liked her a lot and decided she was worth dropping the others for, turned out to be a good call.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Who I should get to meet one day! 


(or is that 'whom'?)


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

ThreeStrikes said:


> Nicely put.


I somehow feel like I just passed a sh*t test. :scratchhead:


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I somehow feel like I just passed a sh*t test. :scratchhead:


Nope. I was just curious.

10 years of "dating" seems a long time. Which prompted my question.

We're cool


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hoosier--like you I have a similar problem. It's hard for me to break it off w/ people. It used to not be so Idk what is up with that but my advice is..........as soon as you are not feeling it, let them know and fast so you aren't dragging it out for weeks/months on end.

Also, be very honest about NOT wanting a relationship.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

COguy, I probably need to take a page out of the rule of 3 book. 

I become easily attached. I hate that about myself. It's getting a lot better. Being in a social scene with A LOT of women has helped me gain perspective as you talk to many at the same time and cross certain boundary's quicker.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Remember, every time you do something uncomfortable you are achieving personal growth. I remember the first time I told a guy IN PERSON (vs. email) that I wasn't interested in going out again. It reminded me of the first time I had to fire someone. It's tough. But I wouldn't want to lead anyone on and I know if it were me I'd rather know sooner vs. later.

Going out by myself, approaching someone and striking up a conversation... other things that were new and awkward but had great end results. Afterward I felt on top of the world because I had conquered another thing that made me feel uncomfortable. I knew the next time it would be less awkward.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Remember, every time you do something uncomfortable you are achieving personal growth. I remember the first time I told a guy IN PERSON (vs. email) that I wasn't interested in going out again. It reminded me of the first time I had to fire someone. It's tough. But I wouldn't want to lead anyone on and I know if it were me I'd rather know sooner vs. later.
> 
> Going out by myself, approaching someone and striking up a conversation... other things that were new and awkward but had great end results. Afterward I felt on top of the world because I had conquered another thing that made me feel uncomfortable. I knew the next time it would be less awkward.


One big thing I've noticed. Is hanging out with a women or asking if they want to hang out, its no longer a big deal especially if its alone. I've been asked if its a date, and even been like "um no". 

I probably have found a lot of women worth my dating time. But I have such a strong urge to take something slow. I want to know I can trust em before well, anything.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I think that might be a generation thing. If I recall, you're quite a bit younger. I don't "hang out". That is for buddies. Now, on the flip side... I don't necessary consider a drink or coffee (as in, "wanna grab a cup of coffee sometimes?") as a date. That is simply two people meeting up to deepen a friendship. 

For the first several meetings when I drive myself, that is merely exploratory and I'm hesitant to call it a 'date'. A date to me is when the man comes and picks me up and we go do something. "hanging out" is what friends do. And I do believe that guys and girls can be friends. If I use that term then I assume we are already in the friend zone.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

EW, I don't think its as much of a age thing as it is maturity to an extent. 

I am 29. Those older and younger then me are either single or know each other very well. To an extent I am a big newcomer. 

Even in my age group i've had to adjust to this concept. The easiest part of it is that I am single so it doesn't matter at this point. Worry about that boundary later. 

I've hosted about 4-5 get together/party's at my apartment since April divorce. As many as 20 people at a time. Typically around 12-15 or so. Some really good times. 

I don't consider coffee a date either. My boundaries are similar to yours. I have accept that as I grow older (oddly enough) that I will have to adapt in order to survive in this generations ever changing world.

Ironically, most of my female acquaintances are 18-22. My best female friend is 31. I'm looking for a venue where I can meet women closer to my age. But they all seem busy with what I used to be doing.


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