# Need to get the spark back



## anon1 (Feb 7, 2012)

Hi all, this might be difficult to explain so please bear with me. 

I really love my wife more than anything but I am a bit unhappy with the situation at the moment. We met 9 years ago and have been married for 5 of them. At first everything was great but after a while the initial excitement waned and the honeymoon period was over, as is normal in any relationship. We used to have sex many times a week but not we haven't had it in over a month. When we do have it, it always feels like she is really up for it at first but then she seems to get bored and is just waiting for me to finish.

That is the first problem, I only realised there was a second problem a few days ago. There is a new girl at work and she is really great. We are good friends and nothing more, and have been good friends for a few months. However, recently I realised that there is an emotional connection there, and that I must have been seeking one elsewhere as I must no longer have one with my wife.

This realisation made me sick to my stomach with guilt. I love me wife more than anything and could never imagine a life without her or with anyone else. Since then I have completely lost my appetite and have been struggling to eat for days. I have also been feeling rather upset about it and cried this morning at work (luckily no one else was around).

I know that I wan't that spark back with my wife. The problem is that I don't know how she feels as after all, she isn't exactly complaining about a lack of sex. With that in mind I don't know how to deal with the situation. Do I talk to her about it and risk upsetting her, or should I just try and get the chemistry back without saying anything?

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Thanks


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Your marriage woes are fairly normal.
Before you do anything, stay away from this other woman. Get her out of your life now or I can promise that you will regret it.

Go buy the Married Man Sex Life Primer and check out marriedmansexlife.com.

A marriage is work. Hard work. If you start putting the effort in to rebuild your marriage, it is very likely that your wife wil respond. You two also need to talk openly and honestly about what's going on with you. Maybe go to counseling and see what a pro has to say.
If you love her, don't give up yet. Do the right thing. 
If you really want to see how bad you two can screw it up, see my stories below.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I might not be the best person to give advice as I am in a similar situation, needing to get the spark back in my marraige.

I think we all hit times in our marraige where we become especially vulnerable to outside influences. When the connection in our marraige is weak, we have to be careful not to allow that connection to spark elsewhere in our lives. I personally do not leave myself open for close relationships with the opposite sex for this reason - however, I know that is an extreme stance to take. You definitely need to cut back the contact you have with this other woman at work. Ask yourself - if you and your wife were at your happiest right now, would she seem so appealing to you? Do you think you would still have that connection with her, or even give her a second glance? I'd reason to guess, probably not. Try to realize it is the absence in your life making her seem appealing to you right now.

Have you ever actually talked to your wife about your feelings? I would guess that if you are feeling this way, she is also sharing some of the same feelings. She may not be focused on sex, but I can assure you that she is not blind to the fact that things have cooled off and that you are amiss. How do you know unless you talk to her?

FWIW, I am a woman and I would give ANYTHING for my husband to talk to me when he is feeling like you are feeling. There is nothing to be offended about or angry about - you are just stating facts and asking to get things back on track. IMO, that is very admirable.


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## you and me (Feb 9, 2012)

I have the same sort of situation...except that there is no one at my workplace that I have had any kind of attraction to, just the fact that I love my husband so much and do not wnat to lose him. I too need to find a way to reconnect and re light the love. I am hoping that talking to others will help- I am not a big fan of councelling- my parents did and and there divorced...leaves a bad taste in my mind


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

Hello, 

When dealing with intimacy issues based on what each of you described I suggest that you examine the wideness of the spectrum of your intimacy from the beginning of the relationship till now along with the amount of satisfaction each partner experienced.

It is likely that even from the beginning either the diversity or the satisfaction was restrained for one or both partners. While passion does wane with time it usually levels off to a gentle slope well within the positive margin for balanced intimate relationships.

Allow me to explain. The spectrum of your intimacy deals with the diversity, length and regularity of your intimate act. Just a few items that may be included in the spectrum off the top of my head: 

- proper foreplay 30 minutes gentle caressing of the whole body
- lengthy and varied oral sex with different positions 
- both partners initiate and often at least once a day
- length of the penetrative act exercise to make it up to an hour
- diversity of positions upwards of 5 per act
- diversity of locations and contexts 
- strength and number of orgasms on both sides - most women are fully capable of reaching multiple orgasms during an act if it's lengthy enough
- focus of mind on the partner and the act to allow the pleasure to flow to the brain facilitating orgasms

The above are written to avoid to explicit language but indeed as far as sexuality is concerned there is a lot to do for diversity and intensity. 

Now as far as improving the situation you are in now the first step would be to discuss it in a positive manner. Most couples in this situation do suffer from several neural blockages in approaching the subject. That is because those same neural blockages usually stifle diversity and or intensity to begin with causing the problem. The issue of sexual performance is so close to our ego that discussing it often is difficult for some. If you feel that you and your partner would have great difficulty in discussing the issues openly and positively enlist the help of a sex therapist which is different from a marriage counsellor.

The purpose and result of the talk is a suit of diligent actions you need to take to increase the diversity, frequency and intensity of the act. It may depend on your age but for starters I would suggest practising it at least once a day because you need to recuperate from the period of being stifled and need the practice sorely.


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