# Pursuer / Distancer Dynamic



## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

I came across this recently, the pursuer/distancer dynamic (new to me, although many here may already know of it). It makes sense to me. The more one pursues the more the other one distances (and vice versa). This cycle can continue to escalate until it destroys the relationship completely. 

A really interesting note was that while the distancer has all the "power," eventually, the pursuer has had enough and decides to end things. It's usually at this point that the distancer suddenly has a change of heart, although often it's too late.

I'm going to completely stop pursuit and see if that helps my situation at all. It's not only in regards to sex, but it seems more pertinent in that area for me at this time. This kind of seems like what the 180 thing is about (when used for other issues besides cheating). So maybe if I do my own kind of 180 here it will help.

I really don't want to leave him. I've spent more than half my life in love with him, but I can't do this forever.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

read Ether Perel "Mating in Captivity". It addresses this quite well. She also has videos on Youtube (TED talks) that give you the main points


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Seems to me a lot of tactics like this are predicated on the other party noticing/waking up - but the responsibility, the pain and struggle always falls on the effected party. A relationship in trouble needs to be dealt with directly. This tactic is indirect.

For example: we have a problem, you may not see that problem or want to deal with it, but I cannot continue on this course, I don’t have the emotional energy to wait for things to change at some undefined point in the future. I am struggling and you need to respond to that whether that takes the form of counseling, regular discussions or some other structure to address issues. It is unreasonable to try tactics that may get someone’s attention at some point. It’s tempting to imagine they’ll just see the light if you pull the right strings and, in the meantime, you’ll look for any hopeful sign in anticipation. What happens if they are comfortable where they are? 

If my spouse told me "I’m struggling in this relationship and I need you to respond," she’d have my undivided attention, she wouldn’t have to ask twice or change her behavior to get my attention, that’s what married couples do.

My 2 cents, but I’d be direct, very direct. Rather than spend time on this tactic, spend time deciding with yourself just what you are willing to put up with, and how much investment you are willing to make with a partner who is resisting change, or perhaps, one who is willing to change? How much are you yourself willing to change if it comes to that, but I wouldn’t rely on sitting back assuming they will respond as I hope they will.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I am an absolute conquerer so this dynamic doesn't really apply.

My mate is mine.

I might well be the pursuer but I won't be denied ever.

I own my mate and there is no argument.


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> If my spouse told me "I’m struggling in this relationship and I need you to respond," she’d have my undivided attention, she wouldn’t have to ask twice or change her behavior to get my attention, that’s what married couples do.


This is how it was always with us too. I don't know what's going on now, but it's killing me.

Thanks for the thoughtful post. I had a really rough day, so I appreciate it.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

So Married said:


> This is how it was always with us too. I don't know what's going on now, but it's killing me.
> 
> Thanks for the thoughtful post. I had a really rough day, so I appreciate it.


You’re very welcome. I suspect direct and open is a lot less painful than waiting and hoping. I also think you communicate a greater sense of urgency that way. I hope things get better for you.


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