# She doesn't think she cheated!



## mad6r

Hello everyone, this is my first post.

Background first: We have been married almost 15 years and together for almost 21, she was my highschool sweetheart. We have 2 boys together 8 and 16 and she has a son she had at 15 who is 22 years old (does not live with us). We had a house together but when i got laid off we had to rent it out in hopes of coming back. Now we are doing a short sale to get out of the headache and pressure. In the meantime we have all been living at my parents house in one bedroom (the 4 of us) it has been just over 2 years now. I get the situation is difficult but we all have to endure it until we move out early this year. (that was the plan anyway)

Where it started:

I have always loved my wife no matter what, she has some self esteem issues regarding her weight but I have never complained or told her she had to go to the gym. I've been trying to get her to be spontaneous and send me a picture of herself in the bathroom showing something naughty, everytime and I mean everytime I had to ask her to do this for me. It became a fight just trying so I gave up, in May of 2012 she sent me the first picture by herself ever, but 2 weeks later I found out she not only sent it to another guy but I wasn't even first. I got the crummy seconds.

After the picture we fought even more and more because it was difficult to get her to do anything even though I would compliment her appearance and the way she dressed, in fact about 70% of her wardrobe I helped pick out. Fast forward to new years eve, she wants some time apart! We fought and on new years day she moved to her mom's house, I kept the kids because they each have beds here and will have to sleep on the floor over there.

On her first friday of being a separated woman (keep in mind i agreed to her time apart) She told me on the phone just as she left work that she was going to have dinner with her sister and I believed her. One hour later I find out she is at his house and she is going to dinner with him! The reason I know where she was is because I tracked her on "Find my iPhone". But I was able to keep her from having dinner with him needless to say now I am the bad guy for tracking her.

Two days later we decided to finally go to church for the first time in our relationship and it seems to have worked a little, she sees that she can make our marriage work somehow.
I still love this woman! we are gonna go to counseling today and I am hoping for some answers either way so that we can fix this or move on.

My question is: Should I ask her if she is in love with him in the therapy session or before? I am in total anguish and truly heartbroken ever since the picture situation and the part that gets me is that she doesnt even think she is CHEATING because she didnt have sex with him.

I am going crazy and she wont talk to me, I am not keeping the kids from her because her mom is the babysitter and takes the little one to school near her home. I am not ready to walk away but I also dont want to be the guy that begs her to take me back everyday. Wish me luck and if you pray, please pray for me.


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## walkonmars

Let the counselor lead the way. You say very little and answer direct questions only. Don't get off topic. Answer the question. You will learn more from listening carefully. Even if you disagree with what she says don't say anything. Wait to be asked.

She probably had it in her head that you've failed her by your long-term unemployment. The OM looks mighty attractive, even if he too is unemployed. He's new, different, and a chance for her to change her life.

I'm not surprised she chose new year's day to lay it on you. The day represents new beginnings.

Is it important to you if they have had sex? Because the chances are astronomical that they have. Sex of all kinds because it's not you. New person new and different methods. Things you wouldn't believe she would do.

Accept that as a fact and put it aside if you want to reconcile.

Double your efforts at improving yourelf. Start by looking under every stone for a job. Be persistent. Go back to evey place you've applied and try again.

Work temp jobs, as many as you can get to move out of your folks place.
You won't be attractive to her until you can do that. 

It might be best to let her go on her own while you tend to yourself and kids. Your efforts at winning her back will be futile until you can compete with the rest of the herd.


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## weightlifter

Polygraph about her date.

VAR her car. It might not be over.


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## walkonmars

weightlifter said:


> Polygraph about her date.
> 
> VAR her car. It might not be over.


Without a doubt it ain't over.
New year.
New man.
Slow fade.


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## Acabado

She had sex with him, I believe before she left. She's having at least a long EA with him, i don't buy she left you without tasting the goods.


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## JMGrey

Acabado said:


> She had sex with him, I believe before she left. She's having at least a long EA with him, i don't buy she left you without tasting the goods.


:iagree: On the date night, if not before.


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## mad6r

Thanks for the responses guys, I have been working now for 18 months with a good County job but the pay is half what i used to get. Should I ask her if she has had sex with him tonigh during our session? If its over its over buy she says she wants to try, i took the picture she sent to him really hard and I dont know if i can take it if she did have sex with him. I want the truth from her and I can live with that. 

What is VAR?


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## JMGrey

mad6r said:


> Thanks for the responses guys, I have been working now for 18 months with a good County job but the pay is half what i used to get. Should I ask her if she has had sex with him tonigh during our session? If its over its over buy she says she wants to try, i took the picture she sent to him really hard and I dont know if i can take it if she did have sex with him. I want the truth from her and I can live with that.
> 
> What is VAR?


Voice activated recorder.

And yes, you definitely need to press her on this. If that's your personal breaking point, then you need to know the truth, if only so you can move on.


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## MattMatt

mad6r said:


> Thanks for the responses guys, I have been working now for 18 months with a good County job but the pay is half what i used to get. Should I ask her if she has had sex with him tonigh during our session? If its over its over buy she says she wants to try, i took the picture she sent to him really hard and I dont know if i can take it if she did have sex with him. I want the truth from her and I can live with that.
> 
> What is VAR?


Voice Activated Recorder
Amazon.com: 8GB USB Pen Drive Digital Audio Voice Recorder 150 Hours: Electronics


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## walkonmars

How confident are you she will answer truthfully?

You ask and she denies.
Months or years later you discover she lied but her excuse is that you put her on the spot and forced her to lie. What then?

If you're going to ask her tonight then be prepared to have her back it up with a polygraph.


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## mad6r

My emotions are all going crazy right now! wish me luck!


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## OldWolf57

M, always remember this. " cheaters lie. If their lips are moving, they are lying. "

Now ask yourself this.
How close have they really gotten, if she is sending him pics already ??
And it seem she was quick to run to his house, instead of meeting at a restaurant.

Eyes wide open my friend !!!


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## Shaggy

Don't waste your time asking her to confess to having sex with him. She has had sex with him.

She was sending him sexy pics, obviously she's been having a PA with him since before those. She didn't just decide to randomly send him sexy pics. They were for her bf.

She wanted space to be with him for new years and the holidays. He likely wanted to take her someplace.

She's very obviously cheating and doing so in a very cold planned out way. She is choosing to betray you.

I suggest a var in her car and get her cell records, she'll even now no doubt be keeping in touch with him.

Is he married?


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## cantthinkstraight

OldWolf57 said:


> M, always remember this. " cheaters lie. If their lips are moving, they are lying. "
> 
> Now ask yourself this.
> How close have they really gotten, if she is sending him pics already ??
> And it seem she was quick to run to his house, instead of meeting at a restaurant.
> 
> Eyes wide open my friend !!!


Yep, all it takes is a quick trip to the store or lunch break....


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## mad6r

Thanks guys, at this point I dont think she has had sex or any other contact with him. I havent really given her the chance to be alone with him. I always call her at work to see if she's there. She brought things up about my attitude from 2004 in our therapy sessions and she confessed to the picture and going to his house for dinner ONLY! Im thinking about getting a vehicle tracker device to find out exactly where she goes in case we do get "D" and I can use it against her if she continues to see him. I'm still in love with this woman and she is the mother of my 2 boys. Its hard to walk away from 21 years. I still feel she is the love of my life and I am still heartbroken about what she has done. I know time heals but these past 7 days have felt like 7 months!


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## 3putt

mad6r said:


> Im thinking about getting a vehicle tracker device


This is one I've heard a lot of good things about. Not very expensive either. You can get it at Radio Shack.

Zoombak Personal GPS Locators, Portable GPS Tracker, GPS Vehicle Tracking, Family Car GPS Tracking, Pet GPS Tracking, Personal GPS Tracking Systems


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## alte Dame

mad6r said:


> Thanks guys, at this point I dont think she has had sex or any other contact with him. I havent really given her the chance to be alone with him. I always call her at work to see if she's there. She brought things up about my attitude from 2004 in our therapy sessions and she confessed to the picture and going to his house for dinner ONLY! Im thinking about getting a vehicle tracker device to find out exactly where she goes in case we do get "D" and I can use it against her if she continues to see him. I'm still in love with this woman and she is the mother of my 2 boys. Its hard to walk away from 21 years. I still feel she is the love of my life and I am still heartbroken about what she has done. I know time heals but these past 7 days have felt like 7 months!


It would be fascinating if it weren't so painful. I think there must be a protective mental element that literally masks the obvious so that we can deal with the hurt. Perhaps it parcels out the realization a bit at a time so that we can manage the pain. I don't know - the script is simply too predictable to not have some biological meaning.

I hope OP uncovers the truth for himself sooner rather than later.


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## Chris989

Read my story if you have the time.

Your wife has had sex with this 'man'. Probably still is. Be firm and believe logic and cynicism - not a woman who has betrayed you and your children.


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## WhatASituation

Sending naughty pics usually occurs after sex. USUALLY! If anything, it certainly is in the EA phase moving to PA. I think you have a decision to make!


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## mahike

Sorry you are here with the rest of the BS. Lets be real about this. She sent this man a dirty picture of her self to another man something you have always asked her to do for you. She has already violated boundries, she has done something she did not want you to know about. That is cheating

My wife did the same thing and it was a PA. You should ask her but I would use the GPS traker and a VAR in her car. I am betting it will only take you a few days to find out she is still seeing and have sex with this guy. 

Did you expose the A, tell that POS's wife or GF that he is cheating. What does her mother know you should tell her.

Being a nice guy is not the way to go. Do not be passive about this. Get tough right now.


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## walkonmars

You want to, and are desperate to breathe a sigh of relief because she said she went to his house for dinner. And then sent him a dirty picture. 

Ummm, okay, there might be one other person on the board who believes this. 

Why don't you go ahead and install the VAR too. Hope it works well. She may have gotten the scare of her life. (scared straight - sorta).


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## Will_Kane

There's something I really don't understand.

She sent him the picture in MAY. She was planning on dinner with him in JANUARY. What happened between then and now? Has she been texting him? Seeing him? She sent him a "naughty" picture, did you ask her why?

If she sent him a picture, she already was involved with him romantically in MAY. Do you honestly believe they didn't see or talk to each other in SEVEN MONTHS, then just happened to contact each other for a dinner date?

Fill in some of the blanks for us.

Also, why did she move out? Did she have any complaints about you?


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## lovelygirl

She wasn't sending you any pictures because she was being faithful to him. Ironically you became the other man while he was her man. 
She was saving everything for him. She wanted to give him exclusivity and she managed to do it well, apparently.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mad6r

From what I found out on my own he is either seperated or divorced, he has kids but lives alone. I honestly beleive she has done nothing with him. Between the picture and now we fought almost every other day. I kept throwing it in her face everytime she didnt want to do anything. I checked all phone records on cell but I'm sure she speaks with him from work. I finally spoke with him after emailing him like 30 times and went to his house but he never answered the door or was not home. This was at 8 am last Saturday morning. He says he was there as a friend but I dont buy it and he was telling me everything she told him about me and how I call her fat and she has to go to the gym and it was all bull****. I have never told her that ever! I want to believe but have serious doubts. I know I have my own issues and can be a real ******* sometimes but never in my life thought she would do this. It's so ****ing hard not hearing her voice. It's hard to move on!


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## Machiavelli

That stuff about you insulting her is for two reasons: 1) she can imagine it's true and it becomes true to her after a while; 2) it allows the OM to justify banging her.

They've had sex, man. 

If that's not a dealbreaker for you, here's what you start doing:

1. Change your haircut to anything other than what it is now.
2. Upgrade your wardrobe to a couple of levels above where you dress now. Do it cheap at the high end thrift store or ebay, whatever.
3. Quit talking to her about the relationship and what she's doing. Only talk about the kids and finances. Be friendly, like you don't have a care in the world, but only talk about the business at hand.
4. Separate your finances.
5. Start going out on weekends and a couple of weeknights dressed to kill. Word will get to her.
6. Get in the best shape of your life. Take up bodybuilding. You need a waist (measured under the ribs) of no bigger than 33" and a chest no smaller than 42". And a six pack. 

Questions:
Did you raise her 22 year old?
What kind of shape are you in?


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## mahike

Everything I am reading you are looking for the light at the end of the tunnel and trying to be optomistic. Stop it. I would bet big money she is going with the Bill Clinton's verison of sex. She has crossed the boundries of a commited wife.

You need to be tough in your approach. Have you expsosed her to your family and hers? 

Let her know that she has blown your trust in her and you do not believe her at this point. Tell her since you cannot trust her she needs to get and STD test and now. Or get out!

Buddy listen to Machiavelli here you need to be tough and focus on yourself.


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## Tall Average Guy

mad6r said:


> From what I found out on my own he is either seperated or divorced, he has kids but lives alone. *I honestly beleive she has done nothing with him.* Between the picture and now we fought almost every other day. I kept throwing it in her face everytime she didnt want to do anything. I checked all phone records on cell but I'm sure she speaks with him from work. I finally spoke with him after emailing him like 30 times and went to his house but he never answered the door or was not home. This was at 8 am last Saturday morning. He says he was there as a friend but *I dont buy it *and he was telling me everything she told him about me and how I call her fat and she has to go to the gym and it was all bull****. I have never told her that ever!* I want to believe but have serious doubts.* I know I have my own issues and can be a real ******* sometimes but *never in my life thought she would do this.* It's so ****ing hard not hearing her voice. It's hard to move on!


Your own post shows you don't believe this. This first step in dealing with this is be honest with what all the issues are. You need to be honest with yourself.

If you had sent a sexy pic to another woman, then had dinner at her place unsupervised, would she believe that you had done nothing? I doubt it.


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## mad6r

Machiavelli, I did raise her son as my own until he was 6 when I lived at her house and then he ended up with his maternal grandmother because we moved in to a small 1 bedroom unit at the time we had my first, because grandma was attached to him and didnt like me from get go. As for my shape I am 190 5"10 skinny arms and legs with muscle small gut size 34 pants 45" chest 36" waist under ribs. I've been at the gym more this week than all of last year. I rode my bicycle 1500 miles last year and have great calves and quads. So its not that I am fat becuase the OM is heavy at least 275 and older. she's 38 OM about 48. You know somewhere along the line I always thought I would be the one to cheat because I didnt think she was giving it to me as much as I wanted. I never though it would be her and now I know I have to move on with or without her. If she did have sex with OM, I have to live with it in order to make it work for me and my children. Im not innocent but i didnt cheat.


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## Chris989

I think Machiavelli's point isn't that she cheated because you aren't in tiptop shape - and you sound like you are anyway - but because it will show her you mean business and that, if you do hit the market, you will be at the top of the food chain there.

Cheaters cheat because they are cheaters. End of.


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## Machiavelli

mad6r said:


> As for my shape I am 190 5"10 skinny arms and legs with muscle small gut size 34 pants 45" chest 36" waist under ribs. I've been at the gym more this week than all of last year. I rode my bicycle 1500 miles last year and have great calves and quads. So its not that I am fat becuase the OM is heavy at least 275 and older. she's 38 OM about 48.


Well, both of you have physique issues, which just goes to prove again that when it comes to female attraction, physique, as important is it is, is usually only one part of the overall picture, and that's proven by the sh!tsack appearance of your WW's POSOM. Authority, bucks, and (the big one) Game are also at play. Now, there are quite a few girls who are gym rats and it's true that those girls, 10% or less of the population, do tend to emphasize the guy's physique more than most. 

Your situation with regards to physique is very common to soccer players and bicyclists. Lots of leg development and lagging upper body development. However, there two most important physique elements that subconsciously trigger attraction in _almost_ all women across all cultures are a flat stomach (if not a 6 pack) and The Golden Ratio (1.4:1) between chest and waist (right under the rib cage). Upper body strength/muscularity is much more important in attraction (as opposed to soccer or bodybuilding) than leg strength because it is an indicator of fighting power. 

Cut your gym activity to ever other day and focus on these compound moves: in this order Decline Bench/Chest Press, Overhead Press, Compound Row, Pullover Machine or Pulldown, Deadlift, Leg Press/Squat. 8-12 reps to failure or near failure, one or two sets each exercise. Barbells or machine. That's about 30-40 minutes of work. Cut out all sugar and grain products, get 250 grams of protein (not soy) daily and you'll be there in no time. 




mad6r said:


> You know somewhere along the line I always thought I would be the one to cheat because I didnt think she was giving it to me as much as I wanted. I never though it would be her and now I know I have to move on with or without her. If she did have sex with OM, I have to live with it in order to make it work for me and my children. Im not innocent but i didnt cheat.


Getting your body in compliance with the 1:4:1 chest/waist ratio will have an enormous impact women react to you as it is basically a hard-wired paleolithic indicator of a superior man. You will have women checking you out left and right. If you stay together with your wife, she can get jealous of that, especially if you return the look or engage in friendly, humorous, or even boastful conversation with women right in front of her. Obviously, it will serve you even better (quantity wise) if should split up.


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## mad6r

Thanks for all the advice guys, right now I just cant shake this feeling that it is over and I will have to move on. She will not comit to saying she may come back, my children are paying for both of our mistakes and I cant help but feel somewhat responsible. For now she goes to church with us and we still pay the bills together. She sees the children almost everyday but I know its not enough for them. My heart still aches for this woman and I'm just praying for the courage and the strength that my boys need from me right now. I cant make this pain go away!!!!!


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## hookares

Cheaters who will cheat in good times, will cheat in bad ones, as well.
How do you know this isn't her first "rodeo"?


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## Acabado

Hard 180, start moving on. Lawyer up.


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## Decorum

It often takes 2 to ruin a marriage, it sounds like you can own your part of it and learn from it.
You did not cheat, she did, learn from your mistakes and you will be the better person for it.
Thats life, learning from our mistakes.

To me this means you deserve better, I hope you will carry that confidence with you, along with a sense of acceptance, and some emotional distance.

She is the one who is losing here, (yes it hurts, ...it hurts everyone, sorry).

She has a animal (emotional) need for validation, attention, sex, she does not think enough of herself to act honorably. My respect for such a woman goes through the floor.

Its hard to let go and move on, just be honest with yourself about what kind of woman you are letting go of and moving on from.

Once a woman goes where she has gone, well it changes them, usually forever.

She is not the woman she was, and the activity of justifying and rationalizing her decisions drops the bottom out of her moral compass, you will now not believe how LOW she can go, but I'm afraid you will find out.

Do yourself a favor, dont put anything beneath her, and when she falls let her fall hard, you will be doing her a favor.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars

Mad6r

That's some woman you pine for. She has little use for you. Sure, she's dangling something for you to keep you in reserve. Just in case things don't go well.

I suspect she's also trying hard to not be "that girl" who is dishonest, disloyal, immoral, and known as a hoe. It's not who she sees herself as. Even as she acts the part. 

For her own peace of mind she drops a few crumbs her way. It's for HER not for you. I have a feeling if you ever played poker with this woman you'd lose everything you have. (you're on your way to doing that as it is). 

Have some dignity. The woman in your mind and memory is a different person than the one who comes and goes as she pleases. 

If this goes on much longer the kids are going to learn a very bad lesson in how to treat their future partners. They will think it's normal to lie and treat their friends with no respect as long as they get what they want. Teach them what is is to be a man of character. Their character is being shaped every day and every day they learn something new by watching the two of you.


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## mad6r

Thank you Decorum and WOM, I know I need to be the strong one for our children. I dont show emotion around them and if I need to I go outside or somewhere else if I have to. I still strongly believe she has not had sex with OM. I bought a VAR to put in her car this Friday and I will hear for myself whats going on. This is the one I got. Where in the car should I put it.

Amazon.com: 8GB USB Pen Drive Digital Audio Voice Recorder 150 Hours: Electronics


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## Chris989

Hi, ideally use velcro to attach it to the underside of the driver's seat. If you can, test it out with and without the radio on.

I found a fuse box under the steering column was the best place. Be careful, however, my stbxw found the 1st VAR after reaching under the seat for something she dropped.


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## mad6r

Chris989 said:


> Hi, ideally use velcro to attach it to the underside of the driver's seat. If you can, test it out with and without the radio on.
> 
> I found a fuse box under the steering column was the best place. Be careful, however, my stbxw found the 1st VAR after reaching under the seat for something she dropped.


Thanks, I will keep that in mind. I was gonna use zip ties but I need to be able take it out quickly since I dont have too much access to her car. I have the spare key and will do this on Friday my day off.


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## Machiavelli

Prepare yourself for the worst. I'm no prophet, but you don't have to be one in this case.


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## Shaggy

Have 2 vars so you can swap one while you listen to the other


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## mad6r

Sorry to say that my marriage of almost 15 years and our lives together of over 20 years is over! Last night we had separate visits with the marriage counselor and she admitted to her that she did not want to get back together and just move on. After my session I went to pick up my little one from her and I asked point blank if she is done with me or if she wants to work this out. Unfortunately for me she does not want me back and now I have to move on for me and my children. I am still heartbroken about what she has done but now I have a sense of relief. This truly sucks in so many ways for me, if she wanted out all she had to do was talk to me and not go behind my back and cheat. But she still thinks she didnt cheat!


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## tom67

mad6r said:


> Sorry to say that my marriage of almost 15 years and our lives together of over 20 years is over! Last night we had separate visits with the marriage counselor and she admitted to her that she did not want to get back together and just move on. After my session I went to pick up my little one from her and I asked point blank if she is done with me or if she wants to work this out. Unfortunately for me she does not want me back and now I have to move on for me and my children. I am still heartbroken about what she has done but now I have a sense of relief. This truly sucks in so many ways for me, if she wanted out all she had to do was talk to me and not go behind my back and cheat. But she still thinks she didnt cheat!


Sorry now go cold on her work on yourself. She found someone else you can do the same.


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## walkonmars

click on both links on my sig line if you don't have these resources yet. 

Sorry she didn't have the guts to be honest with you.


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## mahike

Sorry but it is best to know that go through a false R. You need to take care of yourself and your kids. You will never get her to admit the she did anything wrong.

I would go dark her. Send her an email on the bills being paid and find another church to attend or at least a different service.


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## Machiavelli

mad6r said:


> But she still thinks she didnt cheat!


She did and she really did IT. However, a woman whose Churchian exterior covers an adulteress can never admit this, not even to herself, unless you throw down the secret Polaroids (so to speak - yeah, I'm old). If you want to destroy her false front, keep the VAR in place.


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## Chris989

mad6r said:


> Sorry to say that my marriage of almost 15 years and our lives together of over 20 years is over! Last night we had separate visits with the marriage counselor and she admitted to her that she did not want to get back together and just move on. After my session I went to pick up my little one from her and I asked point blank if she is done with me or if she wants to work this out. Unfortunately for me she does not want me back and now I have to move on for me and my children. I am still heartbroken about what she has done but now I have a sense of relief. This truly sucks in so many ways for me, if she wanted out all she had to do was talk to me and not go behind my back and cheat. But she still thinks she didnt cheat!


I am so sorry to hear this. You are right - you have to move on. Think about you now. You can concentrate on your happiness perhaps for the first time since meeting this "woman".

Stay frosty and keep posting.


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## mad6r

My biggest problem right now is not being busy, work is slow and at home I sit alone in my bed watching tv without her next to me. My boys are very independent! the 16 year old goes to friends and the little one goes outside to play. I play with him as much as I can but he gets tired and starts playing with his toys. I dont know what would happen if she decided to take them from me. I think my loneliness would get the best of me. I can go out with friends but then I have to leave them alone with my mom and the both of them together is too much trouble on her. I'm gonna have to start letting the little one go with his mom more just so I can have my time with friends. The problem is most of them are married and now I am now, well i dont even know what to call myself anymore. I will go to church tonight and pray and thats all I can do. Hitting the gym has helped over the last 2 weeks but its still hard to listen to any music that doesnt remind me of her. Guys dont cope with other guys like girls do so that is probably why Im struggling. God give me the strength, God give me the courage...


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## Chris989

It is difficult. I was lost for months and I mean totally, absolutely, lost.

Part of the battle might be accepting that you *can't* cope for a while.

Six months in and I began to feel as though I had been in a nightmare since Dday. All I can give you is knowledge that you *will* come out of the other side and perhaps in the months that come that "knowledge" will turn to hope.


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## mahike

You have the right idea to keep busy, the Gym is great. Get out with friends. 

So work is slow right now anything else you can do to make some extra cash. I am in sales so I can always find something to work on, email, call, create.

Whatever you do turn off the TV and get out of bed.


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## mad6r

Whatever you do turn off the TV and get out of bed.[/QUOTE]


This is my big problem right now but you're right! I got used to the norm of us just sitting there watching tv since we had no money to go out. I still dont have money but the gym is paid for annually instead of monthly. im glad my renewals are now $79 a year. I got the VAR today and will test it tomorrow in my car for location. Hopefully I can use it to my benefit.


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## walkonmars

Look around your place or your mom's place for things that need to be fixed and work on them. Go on the internet and learn new things maybe how to speak a foreign language or sign language. Volunteer at a hospital or old folks home. Maybe get a second job.

Keep your mind occupied. Prayer is good. Find the strength you need. It's inside you. Dig deep for it.


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## Fisherman

mad6r said:


> My biggest problem right now is not being busy, work is slow and at home I sit alone in my bed watching tv without her next to me. My boys are very independent! the 16 year old goes to friends and the little one goes outside to play. I play with him as much as I can but he gets tired and starts playing with his toys. I dont know what would happen if she decided to take them from me. I think my loneliness would get the best of me. I can go out with friends but then I have to leave them alone with my mom and the both of them together is too much trouble on her. I'm gonna have to start letting the little one go with his mom more just so I can have my time with friends. The problem is most of them are married and now I am now, well i dont even know what to call myself anymore. I will go to church tonight and pray and thats all I can do. Hitting the gym has helped over the last 2 weeks but its still hard to listen to any music that doesnt remind me of her. Guys dont cope with other guys like girls do so that is probably why Im struggling. God give me the strength, God give me the courage...


Your in my prayers.


----------



## MattMatt

mad6r said:


> My biggest problem right now is not being busy, work is slow and at home I sit alone in my bed watching tv without her next to me. My boys are very independent! the 16 year old goes to friends and the little one goes outside to play. I play with him as much as I can but he gets tired and starts playing with his toys. I dont know what would happen if she decided to take them from me. I think my loneliness would get the best of me. I can go out with friends but then I have to leave them alone with my mom and the both of them together is too much trouble on her. I'm gonna have to start letting the little one go with his mom more just so I can have my time with friends. The problem is most of them are married and now I am now, well i dont even know what to call myself anymore. I will go to church tonight and pray and thats all I can do. Hitting the gym has helped over the last 2 weeks but its still hard to listen to any music that doesnt remind me of her. Guys dont cope with other guys like girls do so that is probably why Im struggling. God give me the strength, God give me the courage...


You can write a blog (www.blogger.com is free and very easy to use) about a subject that interests you. But NOT your marriage problems. Write about a hobby, knock out some poems, short stories, etc. Heck. Put Adsense on and you could earn yourself some beer money!:smthumbup:


----------



## mad6r

Thanks guys! I appreciate all the support. Right now my big problem is when I drop off and pick up the little one from her. I see her and all I want to do is hug and kiss her but I know I must learn not to. Last night when I picked him up, as I was leaving she was right behind me and as I turned to say good bye she let me kiss her and I couldn't help myself so I did. Nothing big just a peck on the lip but I kinda lost it and when she called to say good night to the kids it started all over again with the crap and arguing. She is very comfortable in person but on the phone she is totally different. She kept re affirming me that it is over! She's messing with my emotions and it sucks!
I have faith in the lord to give me the courage and the strength to move on but it is so hard.

On another note, I received the VAR yesterday and plan on installing it tomorrow. my questions is does anybody know if this thing shuts itself off when there is no sound in the car? i.e when she parks and leaves car? and it has a stupid light on the microphone so what can I do about that? I got this one. TIA


Amazon.com: 8GB USB Pen Drive Digital Audio Voice Recorder 150 Hours: Electronics[/QUOTE]


----------



## mahike

Install under the dash or the seat. yes no sound no recording. Do you have a schedule with the kids? Can you pass them off through grandparents, friends? I would stay away from her and not talk with her at all.

Also file for D and have her served at work.


----------



## happyman64

mad6r said:


> My biggest problem right now is not being busy, work is slow and at home I sit alone in my bed watching tv without her next to me. My boys are very independent! the 16 year old goes to friends and the little one goes outside to play. I play with him as much as I can but he gets tired and starts playing with his toys. I dont know what would happen if she decided to take them from me. I think my loneliness would get the best of me. I can go out with friends but then I have to leave them alone with my mom and the both of them together is too much trouble on her. I'm gonna have to start letting the little one go with his mom more just so I can have my time with friends. The problem is most of them are married and now I am now, well i dont even know what to call myself anymore. I will go to church tonight and pray and thats all I can do. Hitting the gym has helped over the last 2 weeks but its still hard to listen to any music that doesnt remind me of her. Guys dont cope with other guys like girls do so that is probably why Im struggling. God give me the strength, God give me the courage...


And God to kick your butt into doing what you need to do.

To be the best man you can be regardless of her.
To continue to be a strong man with morals.
To be the best Father you can be.
To keep bettering your life, your children's life and the ones you love.

It is as simple as that. So get out of bed and do something for you.

Even if it as simple as fixing your parents house where you are living.

Make your environment better.

And Mach is right. Keep the VAR in place.

But work on you now. The best revenge is the new life you choose to live.

Make it count!


----------



## carmen ohio

mad6r said:


> Thanks guys! I appreciate all the support. Right now my big problem is when I drop off and pick up the little one from her. *I see her and all I want to do is hug and kiss her but I know I must learn not to. Last night when I picked him up, as I was leaving she was right behind me and as I turned to say good bye she let me kiss her and I couldn't help myself so I did.* Nothing big just a peck on the lip but I kinda lost it and when she called to say good night to the kids it started all over again with the crap and arguing. She is very comfortable in person but on the phone she is totally different. She kept re affirming me that it is over! She's messing with my emotions and it sucks!
> I have faith in the lord to give me the courage and the strength to move on but it is so hard.
> 
> *On another note, I received the VAR yesterday and plan on installing it tomorrow.* my questions is does anybody know if this thing shuts itself off when there is no sound in the car? i.e when she parks and leaves car? and it has a stupid light on the microphone so what can I do about that? I got this one. TIA
> 
> 
> Amazon.com: 8GB USB Pen Drive Digital Audio Voice Recorder 150 Hours: Electronics


Dear mad6r,

Why are still planning on putting a VAR in your WW's car, now that she has told you your marriage is over? You're job now is to start rebuilding your life without her. What good will it do to continue spying on her? Moreover, depending on where you live and how vindictive your WW is, recording her conversations without her permission could cause you legal problems.

It's understandable that you still have feelings for your WW but, please, stop with the kissing and any other overt signs of affection. All that tells her is that you are a weak little puppy of a man whom she can manipulate. No woman wants a man like that.

Start acting like a man. File for divorce immediately. That will let her know that you don't need her in your life to be happy. Start doing things you like, get in shape, get a new haircut and wardrobe. Make yourself as attractive as possible to members of the opposite sex. When you are around her, stay upbeat, even cheerful. Act like you are actually pleased that this is happening.

If you do these things, at least one of the following two things will happen: (1) you will recover as quickly as possible from the pain that your WW wife has inflicted on you and start to be happy again and (2) your WW may begin to regret what she has done and want you to take her.

If you continue in the "oh, why did this have to happen to me and how am I ever going to get over it" frame of mind, your life will be rotten for a long time to come, your kids will suffer unnecessarily and your WW will grow ever more disdainful of you and continue to feel justified in her decision to leave you.

As a Christian, you know that prayer is essential. But consider carefully what you pray for. You know that what happens is ultimately in God's hands but what you do in the meantime is in yours. Pray for wisdom, strength and happiness (God wants us to be happy), not that you get your WW back (He does not promise to give us everything we want). Also, ask God to help you to forgive your WW because, the sooner you forgive her for what she's done, the sooner you can let her go and find a woman who really deserves you (which, I suspect, is what God has in mind for you).

I know it's not Biblical, but I still think there's a lot of wisdom in the old adage, "God helps those who help themselves." Help yourself get over this and, in doing so, you will help your children and all around you. You even might help your WW whom you still love.

Praying for you, man.


----------



## loveisforever

mad6r: Your wife does not have problems. She is happy to divorce you. It is you who have problems. You are sticky and needy. You should have the decency to let her go! What is the point to stalking her? You are day dreaming. Focus on yourself , please. No marriage left, no her, nothing!


----------



## mad6r

carmen ohio said:


> Dear mad6r,
> 
> Why are still planning on putting a VAR in your WW's car, now that she has told you your marriage is over? You're job now is to start rebuilding your life without her. What good will it do to continue spying on her? Moreover, depending on where you live and how vindictive your WW is, recording her conversations without her permission could cause you legal problems.
> 
> It's understandable that you still have feelings for your WW but, please, stop with the kissing and any other overt signs of affection. All that tells her is that you are a weak little puppy of a man whom she can manipulate. No woman wants a man like that.
> 
> Start acting like a man. File for divorce immediately. That will let her know that you don't need her in your life to be happy. Start doing things you like, get in shape, get a new haircut and wardrobe. Make yourself as attractive as possible to members of the opposite sex. When you are around her, stay upbeat, even cheerful. Act like you are actually pleased that this is happening.
> 
> If you do these things, at least one of the following two things will happen: (1) you will recover as quickly as possible from the pain that your WW wife has inflicted on you and start to be happy again and (2) your WW may begin to regret what she has done and want you to take her.
> 
> If you continue in the "oh, why did this have to happen to me and how am I ever going to get over it" frame of mind, your life will be rotten for a long time to come, your kids will suffer unnecessarily and your WW will grow ever more disdainful of you and continue to feel justified in her decision to leave you.
> 
> As a Christian, you know that prayer is essential. But consider carefully what you pray for. You know that what happens is ultimately in God's hands but what you do in the meantime is in yours. Pray for wisdom, strength and happiness (God wants us to be happy), not that you get your WW back (He does not promise to give us everything we want). Also, ask God to help you to forgive your WW because, the sooner you forgive her for what she's done, the sooner you can let her go and find a woman who really deserves you (which, I suspect, is what God has in mind for you).
> 
> I know it's not Biblical, but I still think there's a lot of wisdom in the old adage, "God helps those who help themselves." Help yourself get over this and, in doing so, you will help your children and all around you. You even might help your WW whom you still love.
> 
> Praying for you, man.


I know, I am trying and the kissing and other bs stops now! I havent called, texted or emailed in 3 days. I drop off my son in A.M and pick him up in P.M.The reason for the VAR for now is to get a heads up on what she is planning. I dont care what she does anymore or where she goes otherwise i'd track her car. I need to know what she's planning with my kids and this is the only way how. Besides we have to stay married for now so that we can pay the debt we have together but we are making a plan for that also and I will ask her to have a lawyer put it all in writing for us so that we know what we will be responsible for. I've lost about 14 lbs in 17 days and I gotta say I like what I see. I just need to work on my chest, arms and abs a little more for me to feel comfortable with myself. I have not been single since high school so this is a process for me. If I know I look good then I will feel good. Thanks for the prayers.


----------



## Chris989

I would be a little bit careful here.

If nothing else, you will cross a moral boundary. It is one thing trying to catch a betrayal and entirely another listening in on private conversations between, say, her and a lawyer.


----------



## Machiavelli

carmen ohio said:


> Dear mad6r,
> 
> Why are still planning on putting a VAR in your WW's car, now that she has told you your marriage is over?


To answer generally, a man needs the proof for himself, and whomever he chooses to share it with. He needs to understand exactly why his 21 year relationship is ending. We know, but he's too close and can't see the forest for the trees. Or at least he's imagining that.



carmen ohio said:


> You're job now is to start rebuilding your life without her. What good will it do to continue spying on her?


It will allow him to see that which he doesn't want to see, which will empower him move on. He's in denial about who she is. Unquestionable proof, keeps him and her from rationalizing the facts away. He needs to find his anger and he is not unique among BHs. Many BHs, as we see on TAM, shrink from the truth about their women. Let Mad6r know, really in his face know, the truth and the truth will set him free.



carmen ohio said:


> Moreover, depending on where you live and how vindictive your WW is, recording her conversations without her permission could cause you legal problems.


*Fantasy,* unless he lives in Wayne County, MI and I think even that DA has learned her lesson the hard way. Besides, pretty much everything you might want to do in the US is a felony, anyway. Except watching porn and eating government cheese. 



carmen ohio said:


> It's understandable that you still have feelings for your WW but, please, stop with the kissing and any other overt signs of affection. All that tells her is that you are a weak little puppy of a man whom she can manipulate. No woman wants a man like that.
> 
> Start acting like a man. File for divorce immediately. That will let her know that you don't need her in your life to be happy. Start doing things you like, get in shape, get a new haircut and wardrobe. Make yourself as attractive as possible to members of the opposite sex. When you are around her, stay upbeat, even cheerful. Act like you are actually pleased that this is happening.
> 
> If you do these things, at least one of the following two things will happen: (1) you will recover as quickly as possible from the pain that your WW wife has inflicted on you and start to be happy again and (2) your WW may begin to regret what she has done and want you to take her.
> 
> If you continue in the "oh, why did this have to happen to me and how am I ever going to get over it" frame of mind, your life will be rotten for a long time to come, your kids will suffer unnecessarily and your WW will grow ever more disdainful of you and continue to feel justified in her decision to leave you.
> 
> As a Christian, you know that prayer is essential. But consider carefully what you pray for. You know that what happens is ultimately in God's hands but what you do in the meantime is in yours. Pray for wisdom, strength and happiness (God wants us to be happy), not that you get your WW back (He does not promise to give us everything we want). Also, ask God to help you to forgive your WW because, the sooner you forgive her for what she's done, the sooner you can let her go and find a woman who really deserves you (which, I suspect, is what God has in mind for you).
> 
> I know it's not Biblical, but I still think there's a lot of wisdom in the old adage, "God helps those who help themselves." Help yourself get over this and, in doing so, you will help your children and all around you. You even might help your WW whom you still love.
> 
> Praying for you, man.


Outstanding, Carmen. These seven paragraphs above can't be improved upon. Mad6r print them out and tape them to your bathroom mirror.

Start using that program I posted, too. You'll be amazed at the changes. And if you simultaneously follow Carmen's instructions you'll probably get the opportunity to kick your STBXWW to the curb when she comes crawling back. By then, you'll probably have 3 or 4 regular girlfriends waiting for your divorce to be final.


----------



## Machiavelli

mad6r said:


> *I've lost about 14 lbs in 17 days and I gotta say I like what I see. I just need to work on my chest, arms and abs a little more* for me to feel comfortable with myself. I have not been single since high school so this is a process for me. If I know I look good then I will feel good. Thanks for the prayers.


Keep going down this road and you're gonna really like being single. Abs are almost exclusively a follow on effect of getting BF down to 9 or 10%.


----------



## mad6r

Machiavelli said:


> To answer generally, a man needs the proof for himself, and whomever he chooses to share it with. He needs to understand exactly why his 21 year relationship is ending. We know, but he's too close and can't see the forest for the trees. Or at least he's imagining that.
> 
> 
> 
> It will allow him to see that which he doesn't want to see, which will empower him move on. He's in denial about who she is. Unquestionable proof, keeps him and her from rationalizing the facts away. He needs to find his anger and he is not unique among BHs. Many BHs, as we see on TAM, shrink from the truth about their women. Let Mad6r know, really in his face know, the truth and the truth will set him free.
> 
> 
> 
> *Fantasy,* unless he lives in Wayne County, MI and I think even that DA has learned her lesson the hard way. Besides, pretty much everything you might want to do in the US is a felony, anyway. Except watching porn and eating government cheese.
> 
> 
> 
> Outstanding, Carmen. These seven paragraphs above can't be improved upon. Mad6r print them out and tape them to your bathroom mirror.
> 
> Start using that program I posted, too. You'll be amazed at the changes. And if you simultaneously follow Carmen's instructions you'll probably get the opportunity to kick your STBXWW to the curb when she comes crawling back. By then, you'll probably have 3 or 4 regular girlfriends waiting for your divorce to be final.


Believe me, all this helps and it isn't going unnoticed! Mach, I am reading your programs and I have copied and pasted them to my phone notes and I will get through this for my children and for myself too. Carmen, I have printed this out and will tape it in my car somewhere. I will read these everyday and start moving forward. This Forum has helped me see what I was blinded by.


----------



## weightlifter

1). Improve you. At the gym. Sosuave.com. Alphagameplan.com etc. you will never be an alpha but you can get to high beta. That won't get you a supermodel but do you really want a woman everyone is trying to bone anyway?
2). Replace her. Success is the best revenge. THERE ARE loyal women out there. go find her! Punching the other guy is a felony. Replacing her with a slightly newer model isn't.

Up you game. Seriously. In the alphagameplan scheme you don't sound beta. You sound delta or even omega. WORK ON YOURSELF. YOU CAN DO IT. Women smell weakness and it drives them away. CHANNEL SAD INTO P***** OFF!


----------



## walkonmars

mad6r said:


> ...we have to stay married for now so that we can pay the debt we have together but we are making a plan for that also and *I will ask her to have a lawyer put it all in writing* for us so that we know what we will be responsible for....


You should be taking the lead here Mad6r. 

You know what happened the last time you trusted this woman. She and her lawyer might squeeze every last drop out of you. Get your own lawyer. This is no time for hoping she acts in good faith.


----------



## carmen ohio

mad6r said:


> *. . . we have to stay married for now so that we can pay the debt we have together* . . .
> 
> *Thanks for the prayers.*


It worries me to hear you say that you "have to stay married for now." Read the threads from Carlton and SkaterDad, two guys who, for one reason or another, seem to be unable to get over and away from their WWs and get on with their lives. Don't let this be you.

Your welcome.


----------



## weightlifter

You should ALWAYS be working on yourself. I went to the doctor about 2 and a half months ago. I was 218 pounds. I simply limited myself to one high calorie drink a day... Weighed myself today. 196.4 or 1.4 pounds more than when I got married. It annoys the wife I can lose weight like that. Then again I am pretty active and I'm pretty sure 2 pounds was shoveling snow for two hours this past week.

Anyway I ramble. Go for chest size/waist = 1.4. Up your game. YOU ARE worthy. Go to match.com or whatever find a slightly younger slightly prettier woman and tell yourself THAT is your goal. Man up your game to be able to confidently date one just like her. Don't stalk or be creepy. This is just a mental image to show you the prize. You have to earn it.


----------



## carmen ohio

Machiavelli,

A few observations:



Machiavelli said:


> To answer generally, a man needs the proof for himself, and whomever he chooses to share it with. He needs to understand exactly why his 21 year relationship is ending. We know, but he's too close and can't see the forest for the trees. Or at least he's imagining that.
> 
> *[IMO, once you have decided to separate or divorce, it serves no useful purpose to record the WS's private conversations, and doing so makes it more difficult for the BS to break free and move on.]*
> 
> It will allow him to see that which he doesn't want to see, which will empower him move on. He's in denial about who she is. Unquestionable proof, keeps him and her from rationalizing the facts away. He needs to find his anger and he is not unique among BHs. Many BHs, as we see on TAM, shrink from the truth about their women. Let Mad6r know, really in his face know, the truth and the truth will set him free.
> 
> *[IMO, the only "truth" that mad6r needs to deal with now is that his WW wants out of their marriage. I don't think he's in denial. I think he's ready to move on. Having as little to do with her as possible from now on will help him do that. Spying on her and obsessing over what she has done will hinder him.]*
> 
> *Fantasy,* unless he lives in Wayne County, MI and I think even that DA has learned her lesson the hard way. Besides, pretty much everything you might want to do in the US is a felony, anyway. Except watching porn and eating government cheese.
> 
> *[I don't purport to know the law on this issue and am not giving anyone legal advice. But a quick web search will show that it is not always clear if and under what circumstances it is legal to tape record another's private conversations. In most states, it's generally permissible to tape a conversation that you have with someone else without getting his/her persmission. In some states, even this is illegal. Taping a conversation that you are not party to could be construed as wire-tapping. Whether the person doing this would actually get into legal trouble, I don't know, but why take the risk? For a quick review of the subject, see
> 
> Legal Lad : The Legality of Recording Conversations :: Quick and Dirty Tips ™
> 
> and
> 
> Recording Phone Calls and Conversations | Citizen Media Law Project
> 
> The latter site states: "**Regardless of whether state or federal law governs the situation, it is almost always illegal to record a phone call or private conversation to which you are not a party, do not have consent from at least one party, and could not naturally overhear."]*
> 
> Outstanding, Carmen. These seven paragraphs above can't be improved upon. Mad6r print them out and tape them to your bathroom mirror.
> 
> *[I fully agree with this statement. ]*
> 
> Start using that program I posted, too. You'll be amazed at the changes. And if you simultaneously follow Carmen's instructions you'll probably get the opportunity to kick your STBXWW to the curb when she comes crawling back. By then, you'll probably have 3 or 4 regular girlfriends waiting for your divorce to be final.
> 
> *[Actually, I think mad6r wants her to come "crawling back" and will give her another chance if she does. I support him it this because I believe in marriage and in forgiving those who truly repent. But I get your drift and agree that yours is the attitude he needs to have to move on and if he is going to have any chance of dispelling the fog his WW is in so that she can see the harm she has caused her family and ask to be forgiven.]*


Cheers.


----------



## Chaparral

The gold en rule of spying, dont let anyone know you have done it. The info is just for you. Never give up your sources.


----------



## Machiavelli

Carmen, I think obtaining ironclad proof is extremely valuable to tie up loose ends when ending an LTR over infidelity. If that can be worked into a plan for vengeance, well that's just gravy. As for the legality, the letter of the law is one thing, but getting prosecuted for it is something else completely. It has been said that the typical self-employed person in the USA probably commits three federal felonies each day. They can't prosecute everyone, and I don't see a grand jury handing down a true bill on a married couple in this circumstance, but sometimes earth gets hit by comets.


----------



## tom67

Machiavelli said:


> Carmen, I think obtaining ironclad proof is extremely valuable to tie up loose ends when ending an LTR over infidelity. If that can be worked into a plan for vengeance, well that's just gravy. As for the legality, the letter of the law is one thing, but getting prosecuted for it is something else completely. It has been said that the typical self-employed person in the USA probably commits three federal felonies each day. They can't prosecute everyone, and I don't see a grand jury handing down a true bill on a married couple in this circumstance, but sometimes earth gets hit by comets.


Yes with that agenda 21 bs the govt. has made it illegal to collect your own rain water it's true look it up.


----------



## Machiavelli

tom67 said:


> Yes with that agenda 21 bs the govt. has made it illegal to collect your own rain water it's true look it up.


Sic Semper Tyrannis


----------



## Decorum

A piece of black electrical tape over the light will do it if you are still using the var.

Sorry it came to this, but I'm glad to see you are asking the right questions and moving forward.

There is a lot of good advise in this thread.

You will get through this, Take care!


----------



## mad6r

Well, I have decided against the VAR after all. I'm over it! I picked up my son today and set things straight in regards to what is gonna happen with our kids and our finances. She can file for divorce, I dont care! No more BS and no more lies because I refuse to believe anything she has to say. She CHEATED and I pay the price along with my children F that! I left on my terms, no crying, no kissing no nothing! I'm feeling better from just being around good friends who support me and yes I did tell most of them what she did. The only 2 people I have not told is my parents but I did tell her mom since her mom did the same thing years ago to my wife's father. Like mother like daughter right? I had a great night with my kids and tomorrow I will hit the gym early on my day off and go have fun at night. It helps coming here to read the comments about my life and yes it is my life now.


----------



## NextTimeAround

Mad6R, Protect yourself. You will want a life after divorce so don't give up everything in the divorce thinking that someone will thank later or in the after life.

And also think about any other regrets you may have later on. I think a lot of BP's here probably regret confronting their partner or the OP or telling more people relevant to your situation.

Don't let those moments pass without doing anything and then regreting the should'a, would'a.....


----------



## jfv

mad6r said:


> Well, I have decided against the VAR after all. I'm over it! I picked up my son today and set things straight in regards to what is gonna happen with our kids and our finances. *She can file for divorce, I dont care!* No more BS and no more lies because I refuse to believe anything she has to say. She CHEATED and I pay the price along with my children F that! I left on my terms, no crying, no kissing no nothing! I'm feeling better from just being around good friends who support me and yes I did tell most of them what she did. The only 2 people I have not told is my parents but I did tell her mom since her mom did the same thing years ago to my wife's father. Like mother like daughter right? I had a great night with my kids and tomorrow I will hit the gym early on my day off and go have fun at night. It helps coming here to read the comments about my life and yes it is my life now.


If you are done and I hope you are, you should file first.


----------



## Machiavelli

mad6r said:


> Well, I have decided against the VAR after all. I'm over it!


And that's fine, too. It's all about whatever you need to see the facts and be able to close the door on this relationship.



mad6r said:


> I picked up my son today and set things straight in regards to what is gonna happen with our kids and our finances. *She can file for divorce, I dont care!* No more BS and no more lies because I refuse to believe anything she has to say.


No, *you* be the man and take the initiative to file. *You* were the victim of adultery, *you* take the remedial action.



mad6r said:


> I did tell her mom since her mom did the same thing years ago to my wife's father. Like mother like daughter right?


Hmmmm. Did your FIL divorce your MIL? I would hazard a guess: no, he did not.


----------



## carmen ohio

jfv said:


> If you are done and I hope you are, you should file first.


:iagree:

mad6r,

jfv and Machiavelli are right. There are several reasons why waiting for her to file is bad for you. First, waiting for your WW to decide if and when to initiate divorce puts her in control of your future -- she gets to decide when and under what conditions your marriage ends. Second, not filing sends her the wrong message -- that you are OK with her running around while remaining your wife. Third, it will delay your recovery as you will be in the situation of having one foot in your marriage and, as such, cannot start to date and start new relationships without doing exactly what she is doing (i.e., cheating). And fourth, if you do start to see other women, you lose the moral high ground, she feels justified in having cheated on you and any chance of reconciliation is diminished.

Think about it.


----------



## tom67

More than likely she will go through this current om and 3 more in the next couple of years while you find someone special and have a lasting relationship so keep on working on you and your kids.


----------



## mad6r

Thanks for all the heads up guys! I really need to find a lawyer to get her to commit to the finances we are gonna pay together and as soon as that is locked in I will start looking for D lawyers. 
We have no major possessions so it should be rather easier than normal I hope! All I want is joint custody of my kids. I'm not scared of my future anymore because I can make my own.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

Good start call some attorneys today and schedule appointments for next week.


----------



## mad6r

Mach,

FIL died before he filed.


----------



## Machiavelli

mad6r said:


> Mach,
> 
> FIL died before he filed.


So your wife never experienced the full load of, uh, fallout from her mother's adultery. No surprise, really. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, to coin a phrase.


----------



## bfree

Machiavelli said:


> So your wife never experienced the full load of, uh, fallout from her mother's adultery. No surprise, really. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, to coin a phrase.


I hope mad6r starts to make applesauce.


----------



## mad6r

Hey guys, I have cut off all contact with her exept for dropping off and picking up little one, just hello's and goodbyes. I can see she is starting to make first contact now with phone, text and email but I keep my replies short and to the point. No more "I love you", I am still struggling to cope and had a dr visit on Friday and I have lost 15 pounds in the 18 days she had left. I am now 1 lb lighter than what my DL says. Im still having trouble sleeping but the doc gave me some AD medication which should help my anxiety. I am trying to move on with my life but cant help but feel hopeless at times. Will post as news comes and I still lurk in search for answers from TAM.
Thanks!


----------



## happyman64

Stay healthy Mad.

Eat, drink fluids (not alcohol ).

And get rest when you do not have the kids.

And take it one day at a time.


----------



## mad6r

Thanks happyman,
I got the closure I needed tonight and saw it with my own eyes. When I picked up the little one I asked her to talk outside with me for a second about our finances and what the plan was. Well it took no longer than 2 minutes before she went off on me again and I had noticed she wasnt in her pjs but she had jeans and sandals with a nice blouse (not her work clothes btw). She was rushing to go somewhere so she picked a fight. As I was leaving she looked out the window to see if I had left so I went around the block and parked for a few minutes within viewing distance of her car. 2 minutes later she leaves like a bat outta hell and I mean she floors it! I followed her and I immediately knew where she was going, to the OM house! I followed and waited until she was inside. I knocked on the door like 3 times and it took like 2 minutes for OM to answer door. First time face to face! this guy acted tough on the phone but was a ***** at the door. My wife came out another minute later and she had a stupid look of oh shiat on her face. This was my closure, she was stringing me along and tomorrow I file for D! Full custody, child support and vaginamoney! EFFFF her!!! he can have her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## DevastatedToo

Hey mad,

I'm sorry it came to this, but I am very happy that you got closure on her having an affair. Thank goodness, it sucks to think something and have your gut tell you something, but have someone lie to your face and tell you that your gut and your logic is wrong and have you doubt yourself.


----------



## OldWolf57

Way to go man!!!!


----------



## happyman64

And that Mad is all you need to know.

But you forgot to do one thing.

You should have spit in her face. You are too nice Mad.

So you know the score. You see reality.

And you know who your wife really is now.

I am glad you are acting.

Once you move forward do not stop.

And get your home life straightened out too.

Get out of that one room. Improve the job status.

It will take time but sooner than later you should Be living a better life than what you lived yesterday.

Your wife is a coward Mad. And cowards are the worst.

Peace to you and your kids.

HM64


----------



## mad6r

happyman64 said:


> And that Mad is all you need to know.
> 
> But you forgot to do one thing.
> 
> You should have spit in her face. You are too nice Mad.
> 
> So you know the score. You see reality.
> 
> And you know who your wife really is now.
> 
> I am glad you are acting.
> 
> Once you move forward do not stop.
> 
> And get your home life straightened out too.
> 
> Get out of that one room. Improve the job status.
> 
> It will take time but sooner than later you should Be living a better life than what you lived yesterday.
> 
> Your wife is a coward Mad. And cowards are the worst.
> 
> Peace to you and your kids.
> 
> HM64


Thanks HM64, I still have to see her everyday though but now I see right through her. She was telling me that we are separated and she didnt have to tell me shiat! I asked her straight to her face if she was done with this guy but she just lies and lies and lies. I needed to get my closure! and to think I would have taken her back. I guess 20 plus years means nothing to her, all I wanted was the truth from her mouth but she couldnt even do that. "D" should be fun!


----------



## happyman64

It is all abut respect Mad.

And her lies show she has no respect for you or the marriage.

But more importantly it shows two ther issues:

A. She knows what she is doing is wrong.

B. She has no respect for herself.

Move forward.

Hm64


----------



## mad6r

Hey guys, I need to find an affordable D attorney in the South East Los Angeles area! with my situation the way it is with her and the finances I need her more than she needs me at this point. Every attorney I have called wants a minimum of $1000 retainer and that will probably only last a few days if not hours. At this point all I can do is write everything she says and does down to have a ammo in case she files first but the money is in a joint account and I will know if she takes any out. She hasnt seen our 16 yr old in over a week and I feel he is on the losing end of the deal here. VAR may still be in play by end of week. Im still trying to cope by going to gym and church and spending a lot of time with my boys. Does anyone know if I can also ask for attorney's fees? TIA HELP!!!!


----------



## carmen ohio

mad6r said:


> Hey guys, I need to find an affordable D attorney in the South East Los Angeles area! with my situation the way it is with her and the finances I need her more than she needs me at this point. Every attorney I have called wants a minimum of $1000 retainer and that will probably only last a few days if not hours. At this point all I can do is write everything she says and does down to have a ammo in case she files first but the money is in a joint account and I will know if she takes any out. She hasnt seen our 16 yr old in over a week and I feel he is on the losing end of the deal here. VAR may still be in play by end of week. Im still trying to cope by going to gym and church and spending a lot of time with my boys. Does anyone know if I can also ask for attorney's fees? TIA HELP!!!!


Can you borrow the money from family? Have you talked to the local legal aid society to see if you could get free legal assistance? Have you looked into what it would take to file yourself?


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## mad6r

Hello everyone here is an update to my story:
Friday the 1st I was out watching Laker game with a friend and I had 3 beers, after the game I dropped off my buddy and deciced to go visit OM's house to see if she was there. (she said she was going to her female friends house) Sure enough she was and I called and asked her to come out but she didnt answer or come out when I went to knock on door. Keep in mind she has still not admitted to having sex with this guy "we are just friends" and I needed to hear that from her mouth even though I knew it in my heart. I dont know why I need it but I did.

I waited for about 45 minutes and as I am about to leave the Sherriff's show up, Great!!! Im going to jail...They pull me out of car with guns drawn and search me and my car and sit me in the back of the police car. They asked what I was doing and I explained the situation to them and luckily they just let me go. Good thing I was sober enough. Cowards never came out the house and even the deputy called them cowards. I left without incident but they told me if I ever come back I will go to jail. Needless to say, I will not be going back ever again.

The next day I called my WW to come pick up the rest of her crap or I will toss it. Just clothes and shoes nothing valuable. She comes by and I ask again but she still denies and says they are only friends. She asked me to put her car in the driveway so that she can load and I say "Do it your damn self". As she goes to move her car she left her cell phone on the bed and finally I got my conformation about the sex. I took pictures of her text messages to OM and found out more than I needed to know. I gave her one more chance to tell me the truth but she still denied it. So now I show her the cell phone in my hand and she starts screaming about invading her privacy again.

When she left I started reading all their messages, one in particular was that he told her to stop buying starbucks coffee and drink the office coffee because she needs to start saving for "spousal support"! (funny and ironic) and another about some specific sexual positions I dont want to mention. 

That day I called my brother and sisters to lend me some money for a lawyer. I was still on fence about filing because of our financial situation but I met with one yesterday and put in paperwork asking for joint custody, child support, Spousal Support and going after half her pension too. I wish I could see her face when she gets served.(She wont be buying any more Starbucks thats for sure)

It still hurts like hell! but in some way I feel somewhat better knowing that I will never take her back after this and will not believe anything she says from now on. I'm Gonna have to get tested this week for everything cuz I dont trust her. It's sad that it had to come to this point but now I know what kind of person she is, a liar,betrayer, immoral, and other stuff I cant say here.

My health and my boys are my only focus right now and somehow I have to start eating right because I am down to 176lbs but I like what I see now in the mirror. I was with this woman 20 and half years since I was 17! And she moved on with OM without giving it a second thought. I asked her for ALL the jewelry I ever bought her and she gave it all back even her wedding ring. Gonna sell it to pay my brothers back. It's hard to believe she could be this cold! 

I will keep you guys posted after she gets served, this should be fun but might get ugly!


----------



## Aunt Ava

I know it's painful, but at least you know the truth and can close the door on the relationship.
I hope you have been honest with the boys about her infidelity, they have the right to know what happened to their family. Even the young one can understand that mommy had a boyfriend, and married people aren't supposed to have bf/gf so you can't be married any more. The 16 yr old should probably meet with a counselor, that's a tough age already without a cheating mom destroying your family.


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## happyman64

Will it get ugly? Yes.
Will it be fun? No.

But you handled yourself well. Now get her for what she owes you and your kids.

Treat her just the way she treats you.

And show her as much respect as she has shown you.

That is all you can do.

HM64

PS
Never accept the lies. She deserves no privacy. And you deserve the truth.
Cheaters suck but when they are cowards too, well that is the worse.


----------



## warlock07

Does she still think she did not cheat? She kept on denying. 

Expose her to friends and family(both sides), not out of revenge but because she will probably lie to them about you.


----------



## happyman64

:iagree:

You should do it. And let them know you have decided to separate yourself from her infidelity.

Your goal is to focus on the kids.

Your friends and family will understand that and you will not look like the monster she would make you out to be.

Hell, name the OM.


----------



## 3putt

happyman64 said:


> Hell, name the OM.


Most definitely. This will completely shatter the little fantasy world that they have been creating with him as your replacement in her life....and your kids' lives as well.


----------



## Hope1964

Just read your whole thread. I am sorry this has happened to you, but good for you for moving on the way you are.


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## tom67

happyman64 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> You should do it. And let them know you have decided to separate yourself from her infidelity.
> 
> Your goal is to focus on the kids.
> 
> Your friends and family will understand that and you will not look like the monster she would make you out to be.
> 
> Hell, name the OM.


Yes name the om. Have her served at work that should be priceless. Better yet make HM your special process server. I'm sure he would like the warm weather for a few days.:rofl:


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## tom67

On a serious note sorry she is such a selfish coward though.


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch

California is a no fault state, but get a good lawyer. That's great that she gave you all the jewelry, cold or not, cold cash is good.

The same lesson of every day is, cheaters lie, cheating in itself is a lie. You are no longer a cuckold.

Keep getting stronger, physically, mentally, emotionally. 176 is a good weight for 5'11. Start eating SUPER healthy and supplementing with vitamins to help you keep staying strong, vit c is a good cortisal/stress killer. If you have any questions shoot me a pm and I can work up a diet/workout regime for you.


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## mad6r

warlock07 said:


> Does she still think she did not cheat? She kept on denying.
> 
> Expose her to friends and family(both sides), not out of revenge but because she will probably lie to them about you.


Yup, she still denies cheating because she left. And she will never acknowledge sending the picture was cheating even before she left.(and she calls me stubborn)

I appreaciate all the positive comments here and it makes me feel better at times about all this. 

It's funny that she used to give me crap for years about all our arguments being about sex and I always said it was her lack of love and affection not the sex. But look at her now! All she goes over there for is the sex and she doesnt even realize this is all the OM wants. She even calls him BABE already but he doesnt... haha! She is neglecting seeing her kids and on Saturday they only spent 3 hours with her because they wanted to come home to me. (priceless)

I've been spending a lot of time with them since this has happened and its a shame that I just started getting closer now than before. One thing I have always done with them that my parents rarely did with me was to kiss them every morning when I say goodbye and every night before bed and tell them that I love them, and it has become their habit to just come give me a kiss when they get home or when I get home from work.


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## alte Dame

It sounds like she's created a stubborn fantasy that says that as long as she left the marriage *in her mind*, then she's not cheating. This sort of thinking seems to be pretty common with cheating wives. She's still hiding it, though, so she has some subconscious shame, I think.

I would expose far and wide. Leverage whatever shame she has.


----------



## mad6r

alte Dame said:


> It sounds like she's created a stubborn fantasy that says that as long as she left the marriage *in her mind*, then she's not cheating. This sort of thinking seems to be pretty common with cheating wives. She's still hiding it, though, so she has some subconscious shame, I think.
> 
> I would expose far and wide. Leverage whatever shame she has.


Right!!!!!! I will expose her as soon as she gets serve. dont want to spoil the surprise.


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## CleanJerkSnatch

The sex and excitement with any OM/OW is ephemeral. Without love, every intimate act is empty and short lived. She will get bored and realize the loss and want you back after stuffing her face with cake all the while you get a nice, loyal, attractive, and MUCH YOUNGER than her (your wife) female that needs your attention and takes care of your needs.


----------



## alte Dame

mad6r said:


> Right!!!!!! I will expose her as soon as she gets serve. dont want to spoil the surprise.


When will she get served?

I hope you come back here to get input on exposure. The guys here are very crafty and effective on that score, I think.


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## mad6r

alte Dame said:


> When will she get served?
> 
> I hope you come back here to get input on exposure. The guys here are very crafty and effective on that score, I think.


Im hoping before the end of the week. Lawyer is filing today in court.


----------



## mad6r

Hope1964 said:


> Just read your whole thread. I am sorry this has happened to you, but good for you for moving on the way you are.


Thanks, I'm trying to move on but it's still very hard to do. I look at my children and know they will not have mom and dad back together and that just hurts a lot more than what she has done.


----------



## walkonmars

Mad, you're going to be fine. Just remember, YOU thought it was YOU that was going to cheat early on in your marriage because she wasn't providing enough sex or intimacy. 

But she has no trouble providing it to OM now. Keep that in mind. She was probably not into you for a very long time. She has a vision of "who she is" and it doesn't agree in any way, shape, or form to the reality. 

In the same way, she has a vision of "who you are" and again, she sees only the negatives in your marriage and has magnified every instance. So, she's not in reality. 

Your son's don't need this type of person in their lives. You are showing them how a man handles his business. How he insists on respect and how abuse of any sort is intolerable in any relationship. Even in a long term relationship. 

They should be able to see that betrayal can occur with anyone. But it's how you handle betrayal that counts - not how "hurt" you've been. It's a valuable life lesson for them. 

Might she come back? Maybe. But don't automatically think that it'll be the woman you thought you knew that want's back in. It will probably be the woman you lived with but didn't know. And that woman is a liar, a cheat, immoral, and lacks integrity. No, you don't want her to influence your kids.

Heck she doesn't even find time to mend fences with the 16 y/o. How very sad. You're going great with your kids. I kiss my 17 y/o on the forehead every evening. Nothing wrong with showing affection.


----------



## mad6r

walkonmars said:


> Mad, you're going to be fine. Just remember, YOU thought it was YOU that was going to cheat early on in your marriage because she wasn't providing enough sex or intimacy.
> 
> But she has no trouble providing it to OM now. Keep that in mind. She was probably not into you for a very long time. She has a vision of "who she is" and it doesn't agree in any way, shape, or form to the reality.
> 
> In the same way, she has a vision of "who you are" and again, she sees only the negatives in your marriage and has magnified every instance. So, she's not in reality.
> 
> Your son's don't need this type of person in their lives. You are showing them how a man handles his business. How he insists on respect and how abuse of any sort is intolerable in any relationship. Even in a long term relationship.
> 
> They should be able to see that betrayal can occur with anyone. But it's how you handle betrayal that counts - not how "hurt" you've been. It's a valuable life lesson for them.
> 
> Might she come back? Maybe. But don't automatically think that it'll be the woman you thought you knew that want's back in. It will probably be the woman you lived with but didn't know. And that woman is a liar, a cheat, immoral, and lacks integrity. No, you don't want her to influence your kids.
> 
> Heck she doesn't even find time to mend fences with the 16 y/o. How very sad. You're going great with your kids. I kiss my 17 y/o on the forehead every evening. Nothing wrong with showing affection.


Thank you WOM, this is the type of encouragement that is gonna get me past all this pain. My boys have no problem showing affection to me even in front of their friends. I made sure that when they kiss me that there was nothing to be embarrassed about. 

My 16 yr old now knows what is going on but I have left a lot of stuff out. He knows that she cheated on me. Last night my little one asked if it was 3 months yet because that is what she had told them how long she was gonna be gone to "Find herself". I had to explain to him that she will not be coming back at all, not because I wont let her but because she does not want to. The look on his face was very emotional for me, but I just re assured him that I will NOT leave either of them no matter what. 

The 3 of us have prayed every night since she left even if I go out somewhere I make my phone call to them to say our prayers and our goodnights.


----------



## walkonmars

Mad
As a man of faith, you should count your blessings. Your wife could have 'gone' due to a horrible disease or a terrible accident. She is still alive but gone nonetheless. You have your health. Your boys could be delinquents, on drugs, in a gang, alcoholics, they're not. The boys could be rebellious and be playing one of you against the other to get material things. They're not. 

Out of the four of you: You, your two boys and your wife - who acts with integrity? 

Who values family?

Who honors their word? Who sets good examples for others ? 

The answer is you or both you and your boys. That counts for a lot. A whole lot. That is the basis for a fulfilling and honorable life. They are going to be fine. It's better to have one sane, honorable parent and visit the other half-time than to have two parents that set bad examples.

You are going to grieve for a bit. But then set the past in the distant past and look forward to better days.

In no time, about 10 years or so, you are going to be a grandpaw. You'll be bouncing a beautiful baby on your knee while your now 16 yr old and his wife look on with gratitude for all you've done.

It won't matter to you then what your now wife is up to then. You won't care because you'll have someone who cares for you in a way your wife never cared. You'll see. 

At present, you feel like you've lost something/someone. Don't look at it like that. What you've done is to SHED something that needs shedding.


----------



## mad6r

Process server has been dispatched, she should be served today! My anxiety is pounding at my chest right now. The feeling of it really being over is tough. I know she's still in her FOG and think she might snap out of it when she sees the order, but I know it will never be again. That is my reality right now.


----------



## weightlifter

weightlifter said:


> Polygraph about her date.
> 
> VAR her car. It might not be over.


SCARY how this ALWAYS follows a script

Anyway stick around. Your insight is valuable to those coming up behind. Oh and first 100 extra you get a gym membership to work the stess off, get muscles and up your dating value later after you heal a bit. Since you are religious I guess you will be skipping the going out whoring phase. Your STBXW will love meeting your younger prettier girlfriend.


----------



## mad6r

weightlifter said:


> SCARY how this ALWAYS follows a script
> 
> Anyway stick around. Your insight is valuable to those coming up behind. Oh and first 100 extra you get a gym membership to work the stess off, get muscles and up your dating value later after you heal a bit. Since you are religious I guess you will be skipping the going out whoring phase. Your STBXW will love meeting your younger prettier girlfriend.


I have a gym membership already, and I have been working out and losing weight now to 176lbs from 200 when she left. My arms never looked better and my stomach is flatter than when I was 17. I will do what my WS suggested, "If it happens it happens" so I wouldn't say no.


----------



## happyman64

Good for you Mad.

I hope your days get better.


----------



## Shaggy

Btw you cannot be arrested for being on the street or public sidewalk. The cops have no right in forcing you to not be in a public place. That's basic constitutional rights stuff.


----------



## weightlifter

Shaggy said:


> Btw you cannot be arrested for being on the street or public sidewalk. The cops have no right in forcing you to not be in a public place. That's basic constitutional rights stuff.


True but it kinda sounds stalkerish. He needs to win the divorce since even though it is a no fault state. You never know what kind of decisions hang in the balance.

Mad Hoping the cops also took your wifes statement... right... at her BOYFRIENDS HOUSE????


----------



## mad6r

weightlifter said:


> True but it kinda sounds stalkerish. He needs to win the divorce since even though it is a no fault state. You never know what kind of decisions hang in the balance.
> 
> Mad Hoping the cops also took your wifes statement... right... at her BOYFRIENDS HOUSE????


I'm sure they took OM's statement, I was parked on street and inside my car when cops showed up. I didnt do anything but call and text her cell. I got out to knock but they didnt answer and went back to my car.


----------



## mad6r

UPDATE:She was served with D papers yesterday.

She is PISSED!!!! Spousal support really pissed her off. Now she's talking about quitting her job so that she doesn't have to give me a dime. She wants to give me her car (which is in my mothers name on a lease) back to me and says she cant pay the note with no job.
And she calls me childish!


----------



## bfree

mad6r said:


> UPDATE:She was served with D papers yesterday.
> 
> She is PISSED!!!! Spousal support really pissed her off. Now she's talking about quitting her job so that she doesn't have to give me a dime. She wants to give me her car (which is in my mothers name on a lease) back to me and says she cant pay the note with no job.
> And she calls me childish!


I don't believe her quitting her job will matter. If she was working when she got served that is all they will go on. Of course I'm not a lawyer so....


----------



## tom67

mad6r said:


> UPDATE:She was served with D papers yesterday.
> 
> She is PISSED!!!! Spousal support really pissed her off. Now she's talking about quitting her job so that she doesn't have to give me a dime. She wants to give me her car (which is in my mothers name on a lease) back to me and says she cant pay the note with no job.
> And she calls me childish!


Karma bus just ran over someone:lol:and there weren't even skid marks(like the bus attempted to stop)


----------



## tom67

The judge is not going to look favorably on her if she quits her job now that is for certain.


----------



## weightlifter

tom67 said:


> The judge is not going to look favorably on her if she quits her job now that is for certain.


BINGO

Anyway I wouldn't hang around the BF house. You have your info. I'm sensing you are getting close to your first stage of closure.

While you heal get huge at the gym. Replace defective model with newer prettier one with loyalty program installed.


----------



## tom67

weightlifter said:


> BINGO
> 
> Anyway I wouldn't hang around the BF house. You have your info. I'm sensing you are getting close to your first stage of closure.
> 
> While you heal get huge at the gym. Replace defective model with newer prettier one with loyalty program installed.


:iagree: He will do better and she will be hopping from man to man.


----------



## tom67

Or as Mach says at 60 she'll be alone with a bottle of gin and 6 cats.:rofl:


----------



## bfree

tom67 said:


> :iagree: He will do better and she will be hopping from man to man.


If she's like my ex the men will eventually stop looking at her. I hope she likes her time alone. She'll have plenty of it.


----------



## Shaggy

Actually if the car is in your moms name, it is not community property and you should be reclaiming it.


----------



## bfree

Shaggy said:


> Actually if the car is in your moms name, it is not community property and you should be reclaiming it.


Stolen vehicle?


----------



## mad6r

UDPATE: Just received this email from her, I changed my name to Dave for now.

"Dave,

I just wanted to apologize for the attitude I was giving you. We will just let everything work out the way it’s going to. I just want you to remember one thing I would never do that to your parents and I hope you know that. With that being said I do feel more comfortable if I have a car that is in my name. I just don’t feel right having something that is not mine. So, if you would please just honor what I am asking you. Dave, you already have my kids which are my life what more do you want from me. Let’s just arrange a time to switch cars. You let me know what works best for you.

WS"

Seems like the OM has calmed her down a bit.


----------



## weightlifter

Reading between the lines of your posts she sounds kinda petty. Petty women just LOVE TO BE REPLACED by a younger prettier model. (By younger I mean around 28 to 32 not 20 to 22)

Success is the best revenge. Get one younger make sure your new younger girlfriend is always around when you exchange the kids.

Evil FUN idea once you get the money settled. Lets fast forward 1 month 6 months whatever... I will not predict your healing timeline:

You "Uh exspouse... could you keep the kids for a week?" 
exspouse. "why?"
You "Royal Carribean is having a Carribean cruise sale and miss31yearsold wants to go..." 

LOL 
90% she says no
10% she says yes
100% she eats her heart out.

If you want to be really evil ask her if she knows the beaches on St Martin are topless and in one case nude. My parents went there. She does not need to know most of the naked people are NOT ones you want to see naked.


----------



## alte Dame

Wait for more reaction. She has to let her new reality set in for a bit. Stay as dark as you can, answering only divorce/kid queries.

She's been completely absorbed and driven by her fantasy A and now is starting to have to let the rest of her life intrude. She should go through a lot of emotional change in the next few days. I would stay as quiet as possible and observe.

(And to those who say she will stop being attractive to men in not too many years - yes, she absolutely will & that's what she's probably terrified of. I personally don't get the fear. Why not look at it as a relief to not have to feel all the drama that comes with love?)


----------



## Aunt Ava

alte Dame said:


> (And to those who say she will stop being attractive to men in not too many years - yes, she absolutely will & that's what she's probably terrified of. I personally don't get the fear. Why not look at it as a relief to not have to feel all the drama that comes with love?)


Because for her men's attention=her value, no attention=no value.


----------



## bfree

I fully believe that women like this stop being attractive simply because the outside begins to resemble the inside. You can only keep that "evil" wrapped up for so long before it starts to ooze out. I have seen very many attractive older ladies so its not age that corrupts....its attitude.


----------



## tom67

Reality for her hasn't fully kicked in yet. I like how she says her kids are her life yet she left them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## alte Dame

Aunt Ava said:


> Because for her men's attention=her value, no attention=no value.


Yes, I know. It's just too bad for her and everyone around her that she doesn't have the emotional wherewithal and maturity to be comfortable with herself.


----------



## mad6r

I gotta say my anxiety has gone down but I dont feel happy about this. Our children are paying the ultimate price and that still bothers me. I know it's the OM telling her to calm down and write the email but I have to say now I will NOT back down from the support she owes me because if the roles were reversed she would have done it a lot sooner. ie when I found the picture back in June.
Now she's thinking of the children!


----------



## Acabado

Use only rmail, don't respond quickly, think well about what you put in writing, discusss only children schedules and logistics.
No emotional input at all, bussiness like. Document everythinn.
Don't badmouth her to children.
Waywards become extremely selfcentered and entitled, they believe themselves at chargue, they overestimate their sense of control. They very moment you take charge of your life and fate they go apesh1t, realize they have no control at all, things don't happen according the script they have in the head, they pannic, try to regain control, start "reacting" instead of acting. Expect way more mood swings.
Keep detaching, be smart, be the rock to the children, write down your goals so you don't forget it.

Hang in there.


----------



## TDSC60

You said she has been served with D papers, right.

If you don't want to communicate with her directly, just tell her all comments should be directed to your lawyer.

Don't fall into her traps. If she is being nice, if she is being logical, if she appears calm or friendly, she is planning something and it is not going to be good for you.


----------



## mad6r

my reply,

"The kids are not property they are OUR children! I would never do anything to keep them from you or your mom. 

I cannot and will not drive that car! There is nothing wrong with you keeping it until October."


15 minutes after sending this she calls to tell me not to pursue spousal support in a calm and sweet voice. I told her I'm not taking it off the table. Her car would be a bad reminder to me and I dont want to be in a car where OM might have done shiat with her in it. I wont take it away because she needs it for work and the kids. Finally she called me and BEGGED!


----------



## vi_bride04

Tell her to contact your lawyer with any questions. The second these selfish people have to deal with any type of "authority" they back down pretty quick.


----------



## tom67

mad6r said:


> my reply,
> 
> "The kids are not property they are OUR children! I would never do anything to keep them from you or your mom.
> 
> I cannot and will not drive that car! There is nothing wrong with you keeping it until October."
> 
> 
> 15 minutes after sending this she calls to tell me not to pursue spousal support in a calm and sweet voice. I told her I'm not taking it off the table. Her car would be a bad reminder to me and I dont want to be in a car where OM might have done shiat with her in it. I wont take it away because she needs it for work and the kids. Finally she called me and BEGGED!


She's begging now huh. That "fog" lifted right away and reality bit her in the @rse oh well time to pay.


----------



## tom67

I hope she becomes the mother of your children again because she certainly is not acting like one now. After she stops begging and crying, work on a parenting plan with her.


----------



## warlock07

mad6r said:


> UDPATE: Just received this email from her, I changed my name to Dave for now.
> 
> "Dave,
> 
> I just wanted to apologize for the attitude I was giving you. We will just let everything work out the way it’s going to. * I just want you to remember one thing I would never do that to your parents and I hope you know that.* With that being said I do feel more comfortable if I have a car that is in my name. I just don’t feel right having something that is not mine. So, if you would please just honor what I am asking you.* Dave, you already have my kids which are my life what more do you want from me.* Let’s just arrange a time to switch cars. You let me know what works best for you.
> 
> WS"
> 
> 
> 
> Seems like the OM has calmed her down a bit.



Your wife is not very good at arguments, isn't she ?

She was repeatedly denying her affair through this and now you have to trust she won't do it to your parents ? 

:rofl:
So she is ok with ****ing you up?

And she dumping the kids on you and thinks that it is a great sacrifice ?


----------



## warlock07

The OM is making her play cleverly... Be careful.


----------



## warlock07

And now would be a good time to ask her if she thinks she cheated


----------



## tom67

Be very guarded how you correspond with her no emotional blow ups just very matter of fact business like I know easier said than done.


----------



## mad6r

I can only expect to get more of this from her when I pick up my son. No more talks about finances with her, if she screws me she screws herself. The children are the only things I will talk to her about from now on. We will have to come up with visitation schedules. I cant believe anything she says anymore so I dont.
She has not made an effort to come see the boys and I am tired of reminding her. I have written everything down since the day she left and she has only seen our older son about 10-15 times in 37 days.


----------



## tom67

mad6r said:


> I can only expect to get more of this from her when I pick up my son. No more talks about finances with her, if she screws me she screws herself. The children are the only things I will talk to her about from now on. We will have to come up with visitation schedules. I cant believe anything she says anymore so I dont.
> She has not made an effort to come see the boys and I am tired of reminding her. I have written everything down since the day she left and she has only seen our older son about 10-15 times in 37 days.


Right document everything.


----------



## Drover

so she sent a guy tramp pictures and went out with him and you believe she didn't have sex? she was sending out pics to guys and you agreed to time apart hoping to get her back? what did you think she'd be doing during your time apart? you've handled this about as badly as you possibly could.


----------



## terrence4159

just read your thread, good for you mad6r. you are way ahead of the game. keep writing the stuff down and dont be her friend. she divorced your friendship when she cheated. be civil for the kids but thats it. ive been there and done that

p.s. Karma is a B my ex now ives in her grandmas house with 2 new kids and a H that wont work and me a loving new wife who my kid loves and at 35 a house bought and paid for. good things will come mad they really will hang tough buddy


----------



## warlock07

Drover said:


> so she sent a guy tramp pictures and went out with him and you believe she didn't have sex? she was sending out pics to guys and you agreed to time apart hoping to get her back? what did you think she'd be doing during your time apart? you've handled this about as badly as you possibly could.


read his latest posts. She was even doing anal with the OM.


----------



## mad6r

Drover said:


> so she sent a guy tramp pictures and went out with him and you believe she didn't have sex? she was sending out pics to guys and you agreed to time apart hoping to get her back? what did you think she'd be doing during your time apart? you've handled this about as badly as you possibly could.


After 20 plus years I was giving her the benefit of the doubt, I know big mistake...


----------



## Decorum

Dont back down, dont take anything off the table.
She would cut your heart out and throw it down the garbage disposal without feeling., 
She is a rotting corpse, dont even hate her, dont scold her, just disinierested distain, be business like!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mad6r

Decorum said:


> Dont back down, dont take anything off the table.
> She would cut your heart out and throw it down the garbage disposal without feeling.,
> She is a rotting corpse, dont even hate her, dont scold her, just disinierested distain, be business like!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I'm not taking anything off the table from this liar! 
She would feed my heart to the dogs and she has no feelings concerning me. I can't hate her cuz I still love the biatch. I will just be staying away from her unless its for the kids or the divorce. There is a spanish song by Juan Gabriel called "La Farsante" and the last line on the song is "you will beg me for my love on your knees in front of your lover" (losely translated) This is one of her songs on her iPod, very fitting. But I still wouldnt take her back now.

I took some dress shirts and pants to the tailor already since they were too big for me now. I can probably fit into a 32 pants. and he will make all my shirts fitted and its cheaper than buying new clothes for now. 

For now, I just want her to start acting like an adult and a parent to our children. She needs to spend actual quality time with them and not just at her home on the couch. No wonder they want to always come home.


----------



## mad6r

tom67 said:


> I hope she becomes the mother of your children again because she certainly is not acting like one now. After she stops begging and crying, work on a parenting plan with her.


This will be step 1.


----------



## walkonmars

Mad
Luis Miguel's " la mentira" has lots of lines that apply too.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Ge4Oso0XL8&feature=youtube_gdata_player

You're gaining strength every day. Keep it goin'


----------



## happyman64

mad6r said:


> I can only expect to get more of this from her when I pick up my son. No more talks about finances with her, if she screws me she screws herself. The children are the only things I will talk to her about from now on. We will have to come up with visitation schedules. I cant believe anything she says anymore so I dont.
> She has not made an effort to come see the boys and I am tired of reminding her.* I have written everything down since the day she left and she has only seen our older son about 10-15 times in 37 days.*


*And her actions speak so much louder than her words Mad!*


----------



## terrence4159

Don't give in an inch thats what shes looking for.

hope this makes you laugh mad6r the thing i did that sad but gave me closure with my EW i got a tattoo with her name in the handle in the middle of my back...ohh she was pissed,lol


----------



## terrence4159

a kinfe with her name in the handle wow i cant type


----------



## dogman

terrence4159 said:


> a kinfe with her name in the handle wow i cant type


That's what I call commitment to making a point. LOL


----------



## weightlifter

walkonmars said:


> You're gaining strength every day. Keep it goin'


LOOK where he was on post 1. See where he IS now. Once he gets a job and heals...

Definitely get that younger prettier GF Mad. Did you read that post by the woman who later regretted her cheating? "Before you leave read my story"? Her replacement was younger and prettier and it annoyed the cheater. The wonderful thing about that kind of revenge is when success is the revenge YOU WIN.


----------



## weightlifter

anal? what reply was that on?

Anyway Just so ya know. Family title transfers are less than a hundred bucks in many states.


----------



## mad6r

weightlifter said:


> LOOK where he was on post 1. See where he IS now. Once he gets a job and heals...
> 
> Definitely get that younger prettier GF Mad. Did you read that post by the woman who later regretted her cheating? "Before you leave read my story"? Her replacement was younger and prettier and it annoyed the cheater. The wonderful thing about that kind of revenge is when success is the revenge YOU WIN.


I read it! I've been working for a year and a half now. Low pay but free benefits, can't complain much when you dont have to pay for insurance.



weightlifter said:


> anal? what reply was that on?.


I never said it but yes it's true.


----------



## weightlifter

mad6r said:


> I never said it but yes it's true.


?? thought he mighta confused that guy with the fiance into threesomes with you.

OH got it now. The texts you mentioned on feb 4. Sheesh I know the dirtiest pig on earth. He says stuff that would curl most peoples hair. I tell him that comment rates a 4 on his curve of piggishness. Even that pig is adamant he aint into anal. 

LOL Your OM is more piggish than the biggest pig I know!


----------



## TheQueen

Mad,

I have been following your thread though I haven't posted because there wasn't much I could add to the great advice you have received already. 

This post is just to commend you on how far you have come and the difficult but necessary changes you have implemented. MAD RESPECT!

I encourage you to continue with your chin up. It will get better, I promise! 

Rooting for ya


----------



## mad6r

TheQueen said:


> Mad,
> 
> I have been following your thread though I haven't posted because there wasn't much I could add to the great advice you have received already.
> 
> This post is just to commend you on how far you have come and the difficult but necessary changes you have implemented. MAD RESPECT!
> 
> I encourage you to continue with your chin up. It will get better, I promise!
> 
> Rooting for ya


Thank you!


----------



## mad6r

So I went out on Saturday and what happended, happened!
My STBXW was the only woman I have ever been with since I was 17 (I'm 38) and this weekend I finally just let it happen. I still dont know what to feel but I gotta say it was different and good, no complaints. I'm not sure this is helping me move on but it's a start I guess. My emotions for my STBXW are starting to go away and the empty bed is just my own bed now. 

I dont wake up with anxiety anymore and I dont cry anymore either. I just pray for everyone including her to find whatever it is she's looking for because I am no longer her option. I still go to IC and hope I can be a better person for the next woman in my life.
Thanks to everyone here at TAM and I will be keeping you all posted as the D goes on.


----------



## Acabado

Glad to hear you feel better. It's OK, to get laid. Don't get hooked up, don't use people but have fun.
Keep us updated.


----------



## weightlifter

lol. one thing i notice is when the betrayed gets some after the breakup... It is an AMAZING ego boost for a crushed ego.


----------



## weightlifter

Details... NOT ABOUT the sex. Where did you go? Just a bar?

BTW was she a bit younger? LOL exes LOVE that one! BTW dont say she was 18.


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch

weightlifter said:


> Details... NOT ABOUT the sex. Where did you go? Just a bar?
> 
> BTW was she a bit younger? LOL exes LOVE that one! BTW dont say she was 18.


That made me laugh.

I'm sure mad6r is definitely upgraded now.


----------



## weightlifter

LOL You see his transformation through his thread.
I just wanted to make sure he wasn't thinking i wanted details about the act. More about how a man who was crushed by a cheater, recovered, and begins his road out. Yes, hookup sex is sometimes part of that. It helps uncrush a crushed ego by showing him, yes, indeed, women are still available after a cheated breakup.

So yea. Mad, where did you go? Generically what were her characteristics? younger? age roughly? pretty? 400 lbs wildebeast? barfly? Did you chat her up? How much resistance did she give or did she just come out and ask "You wanna hook up?" Your place? Hers? Your car?

NO Details on the act... No thanks. leave em out.


----------



## mad6r

weightlifter said:


> Details... NOT ABOUT the sex. Where did you go? Just a bar?
> 
> BTW was she a bit younger? LOL exes LOVE that one! BTW dont say she was 18.


Mid to late 20's If I had to guess, we didn't exchange numbers so that was it. Very cute and slim but great azz! Met at a friend of a friend's party. Like I said, it just happened.


----------



## mad6r

weightlifter said:


> LOL You see his transformation through his thread.
> I just wanted to make sure he wasn't thinking i wanted details about the act. More about how a man who was crushed by a cheater, recovered, and begins his road out. Yes, hookup sex is sometimes part of that. It helps uncrush a crushed ego by showing him, yes, indeed, women are still available after a cheated breakup.
> 
> So yea. Mad, where did you go? Generically what were her characteristics? younger? age roughly? pretty? 400 lbs wildebeast? barfly? Did you chat her up? How much resistance did she give or did she just come out and ask "You wanna hook up?" Your place? Hers? Your car?
> 
> NO Details on the act... No thanks. leave em out.


We ended up in my car first but went to get a room nearby. 120 lbs max! It seemed like we both just wanted to hook up, didn't really take too much effort on my part.


----------



## alte Dame

weightlifter said:


> LOL You see his transformation through his thread.
> I just wanted to make sure he wasn't thinking i wanted details about the act. More about how a man who was crushed by a cheater, recovered, and begins his road out. Yes, hookup sex is sometimes part of that. It helps uncrush a crushed ego by showing him, yes, indeed, women are still available after a cheated breakup.
> 
> So yea. Mad, where did you go? Generically what were her characteristics? younger? age roughly? pretty? 400 lbs wildebeast? barfly? Did you chat her up? How much resistance did she give or did she just come out and ask "You wanna hook up?" Your place? Hers? Your car?
> 
> NO Details on the act... No thanks. leave em out.


----------



## dogman

mad6r said:


> We ended up in my car first but went to get a room nearby. 120 lbs max! It seemed like we both just wanted to hook up, didn't really take too much effort on my part.



As long as your sure she wasn't married.


----------



## mad6r

dogman said:


> As long as your sure she wasn't married.


She said no and had no ring or tan line, and I know I will be asking all of them from now on. Sad really!


----------



## Jasel

mad6r said:


> We ended up in my car first but went to get a room nearby. 120 lbs max! It seemed like we both just wanted to hook up, didn't really take too much effort on my part.


----------



## weightlifter

mad6r said:


> Mid to late 20's If I had to guess, we didn't exchange numbers so that was it. Very cute and slim but great azz! Met at a friend of a friend's party. Like I said, it just happened.


Too bad there aren't any pictures at the party of you and the girl (No not the act) It would be fun to make sure the ex sees the younger temporary replacement.


----------



## Machiavelli

weightlifter said:


> Too bad there aren't any pictures at the party of you and the girl (No not the act) It would be fun to make sure the ex sees the younger temporary replacement.


Maybe she'll get to see 3 or 4 of his rotation of hot young women when he gets it set up.


----------



## weightlifter

Machiavelli said:


> Maybe she'll get to see 3 or 4 of his rotation of hot young women when he gets it set up.


Even more fun EVIL idea if there were a pic of the party... hint Mad hint

Its valentines day...

Even if she un-friended you on FB... Pic of the girl. Have a mutual friend she hasn't unfriended post the pic then post...

Dave and randomgirl at the par-tee, eff you see kay eye enn gee.
(remember from grade school, dave and randomgirl sitting in a tree k-i-s-s-i-n-g)


----------



## mad6r

weightlifter said:


> Even more fun EVIL idea if there were a pic of the party... hint Mad hint
> 
> Its valentines day...
> 
> Even if she un-friended you on FB... Pic of the girl. Have a mutual friend she hasn't unfriended post the pic then post...
> 
> Dave and randomgirl at the par-tee, eff you see kay eye enn gee.
> (remember from grade school, dave and randomgirl sitting in a tree k-i-s-s-i-n-g)


Valentines day was hard for me, no date but when i picked up my son on VD he told me she went out all dressed up (She told the little one she was going to a female friends house). She had her date with POSOM and spent the night with him. I dropped off my son Friday morning and she was not there to greet him. My lonliness is creeping back up and I find it hard to keep busy. The gym still helps but I dont know if im upset because she has moved on so quickly or the fact that I cant. 

I notice she tries to push my buttons on days she's not with POSOM with constant texts about me finding someone or other crap. She sees me happy and says she doesnt want any new girl meeting my kids. Only because I told her the same earlier, that I dont want that guy ever meeting my boys. She doesnt see the difference! She thinks I have someone in my life now but I told her it was just me getting over her. I dont answer her texts unless it involves the kids but sometimes its hard not to.

Someone did post a pic of me having a good time at the party and I am sure she got wind of it through our mutual friend, that's why she specifically mentioned a quote from the picture tag.


----------



## bandit.45

Stay as dark as you can.

Don't engage her. 

All of this fun lifestyle b.s. will fall down on top of her one day. May take years but she will someday realise how badly she screwed up by throwing you away.


----------



## weightlifter

mad6r said:


> Someone did post a pic of me having a good time at the party and I am sure she got wind of it through our mutual friend, that's why she specifically mentioned a quote from the picture tag.


Good to hear. Keep up with whoever is having those parties.

Good days bad days. It will take time but eventually the good will outnumber the bad... You have a ton of people here pulling for you. 

I predict NEXT V Day there WILL be a bit younger bit prettier woman in your life and you will be an enthusiastic partaker of Valentines Day 2014. You DESERVE it. 

Keep up with the parties. No not just for the random poon, but also for the distraction AND the bigger the circle of people you hang with the greater number of chances of meeting that special 32 year old woman who IS going to come into your life.


----------



## happyman64

One day at a time Mad. One day at a time.

And remember, the bet revenge is living your life well.

Who cares who she s with. Who cares how she was dressed.

It is all an illusion..

Stick with your reality and focus on your future.


----------



## mad6r

Hey guys, I have an update some of you might not like.

So I've been doing a hard 180 on her and didnt reply to most texts from her except for one this past Friday. She asked where I was and I told her, but I really dont care if she asks and just tell her out of habit. She sends me a text saying "Sorry for asking where you were. Not my business" and I replied "Whatever". This word seems to always get her pissed off but she says it to me all the time. I let it go like usual, just another day from her.

Saturday morning comes and I get another text about her going to Starbucks for coffee since our money is still in the same account. I say fine and since we came to a agreement with a schedule for her to have the kids I asked what time she was going to pick them up.
I get a call from her 2 minutes later and says "I'm sorry", she starts talking about what she has done and didn't mean any of it to happen and so on. She's on the phone crying at the Starbucks parking lot. We continue to talk for over an hour!

So she tells me she wanted to take the boys to lunch as a family since its been over a month since we've done that. I say fine and we go to eat in the afternoon and as we leave the restaurant I make the mistake of asking if she misses me? Why? I have no clue!To my surprise she says she misses me very much! So we get in the car she compliments me on my physique and says I look good. (I am now down to 176 btw and have been hitting the gym hard).

As we are driving home we made a stop at Target for some items the boys and I need at home. As we are leaving she says wait I want to get the boys some popcorn and sends them to the car as we go to the concession in the store. As I'm standing in line she asks me "Hey is it bad that I want you" I was surprised to say the least and I just say no. As we're walking back to the car she sticks her hand inside my shirt to feel my flat stomach and tells me she's aroused.

FVCKKKKKK!!!!!!! What is she doing to me? So we leave and she starts grabbing my junk in the car and we stop again at the local 7 Eleven to get the kids some slurpee's and she starts rubbing against me and grabs my junk again. By now she has activated the launch sequence. We get back home and the kids go inside and she starts again, Sorry guys I really couldn't help myself. We start going at it in the car on the street in front of my house! She starts grabbing, I start grabbing, Still daylight btw. I call the boys to tell them I will be right back and go get them a movie rental from the machine, So that I can come back and get my car and leave.

So I leave and meet her at the local motel. Again, WTF am I doing? I know it's natural to miss someone after 20 years of being together. But this? I brought some booze from home with me and we have one drink before we start going at it. This was only about 5pm! and we went all efffing night! I only got about 3 hours of sleep before I got up around 6 am and told her I had to leave. I had plans with a friend already to go for a bike ride. 

I felt no emotions about "R" and left with my head up and sore from the sex! Sunday after my ride I went to church and she called again when I got out. She wants more! and crap! so do I! We meet up again at our now empty house that is still in escrow and go at it again. Holy SHiat!, It's like we're teenagers again and we actually just enjoyed each others company.

So let the flaming begin, Opinions? I would not R without some serious long term MC. I have no fantasies or illusions about her coming back. Keep in mind 20 years and 2 children together, I do still love this woman but I know I can let go now if I have to. And I dont know if she wants to come back either. We just left it at that for now.


----------



## Acabado

She's still with OM right?


----------



## spudster

Get hold of the OM and let him know you've been servicing her properly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## weightlifter

Id suggest divorce her then IF she does the WHOLE list of standard demands... date her. 

Wielded correctly, the vagina is the most powerful weapon in the world.

My head tells me you know that was a big trap but in the end YOU are they guy who deals with her.


----------



## Acabado

Carry a VAR with you everytime, tape all your interactions, all your hpnone calls, all your texts, her crying. Also, videotape with the cell phone every time you guys have any kid of sexual interaction. What about the hotel receipt?
Then follow spudster's advice.

Don't change your schedule, make her change it. Let her persue you.


----------



## tom67

You are more attractive to her not just physically but also you have like me the eff you attitude now. Maybe some hysterical bonding going on too. Let the om know. Don't beat yourself up sh!t happens.


----------



## tom67

On a more serious note, be careful about std's. Hate to ruin your fun


----------



## tom67

One time that she does another booty call tell her you have plans already let her think you are with someone else. Play hard to get you have options it will drive her nutz.


----------



## alte Dame

Keep doing what you're doing with your independent attitude and regimen to keep in shape.

Let her come to you. Do NOT always bite when she throws out some bait. Repeat, let her come to you. Act cool, like you said, 'Whatever.' No matter how uncool you feel inside, do not ever let her see it.

Who knows what will happen?


----------



## mad6r

Acabado said:


> She's still with OM right?


Dont know, dont care! but I seriously doubt it.


----------



## mad6r

spudster said:


> Get hold of the OM and let him know you've been servicing her properly.
> 
> *Really? I know what it accomplishes but I'm just gonna get crap from her.*
> 
> Id suggest divorce her then IF she does the WHOLE list of standard demands... date her.
> 
> Wielded correctly, the vagina is the most powerful weapon in the world.
> 
> My head tells me you know that was a big trap but in the end YOU are they guy who deals with her.
> 
> *Nothing changes with D as of yet!*
> 
> What about the hotel receipt?
> 
> *We both paid for it, what does this matter?*
> 
> Don't change your schedule, make her change it. Let her persue you.
> 
> *Will do!*
> 
> On a more serious note, be careful about std's. Hate to ruin your fun
> 
> *It stayed under wraps!*
> 
> One time that she does another booty call tell her you have plans already let her think you are with someone else. Play hard to get you have options it will drive her nutz.
> 
> *Gonna try hard, but I will.*
> 
> Keep doing what you're doing with your independent attitude and regimen to keep in shape.
> 
> Let her come to you. Do NOT always bite when she throws out some bait. Repeat, let her come to you. Act cool, like you said, 'Whatever.' No matter how uncool you feel inside, do not ever let her see it.
> 
> Who knows what will happen?
> 
> *Nothing changes for now.*


----------



## weightlifter

Oh AND if you decide to keep going:

One additional demand on top of the standard ones.

YOU get all the funky stuff she did with OM if you want, plus ONE dirty pic a day.

NOT with OM? UH then where did she go all dressed up on V Day?


----------



## mad6r

weightlifter said:


> Oh AND if you decide to keep going:
> 
> One additional demand on top of the standard ones.
> 
> YOU get all the funky stuff she did with OM if you want, plus ONE dirty pic a day.
> 
> NOT with OM? UH then where did she go all dressed up on V Day?


I dont want anything she did with POSOM, I dont want pictures anymore and I know where she went on V Day, I just dont care anymore.


----------



## mad6r

spudster said:


> Get hold of the OM and let him know you've been servicing her properly.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm curious now! What do I say? I think he will still have the satisfaction of being with my WS. Especially if he has moved on from her.


----------



## spudster

mad6r said:


> I'm curious now! What do I say? I think he will still have the satisfaction of being with my WS. Especially if he has moved on from her.


Something like "hey dude! Just wanted to call and let you know I banged my wife twice already in the last week. You must be off your game or something because she sure seemed to enjoy it. "

Then hang up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jasel

Think you should be okay as long as you don't come off as pining for her or willing to jump back into an R because you got some sex from her. Keep up an air of indifference and stick to the plan that you've been holding to. 

Having sex with her though is just going to make it even harder for you to move on and doesn't solve or even address any of the problems you've had with her. They're just some feel good moments. I wouldn't do that again unless you're reconsidering R.

And we've seen how many times WS act like they want their BS back only to check out again once it's clear they can get them back (ie: Check out GutPunch's thread in the going through divorce section).


----------



## ArmyofJuan

RED ALERT!

Don’t expect this to last for long. I’ve seen this dozens of times and it always seems to end badly. 

Most likely she is on the outs with the OM but that’s usually temporary. Once this phase passes (could take 2 days or 2 weeks) she’ll suddenly turn cold again, especially when the OM starts to miss her and contacts her. That’s when you get DDay 2 and you are back to square one.

The easier you make things for her, the harder things will be for you. 

tl;dr: Don’t get your hopes up yet cowboy.


----------



## WTHiswrong

ArmyofJuan said:


> RED ALERT!
> 
> Don’t expect this to last for long. I’ve seen this dozens of times and it always seems to end badly.
> 
> Most likely she is on the outs with the OM but that’s usually temporary. Once this phase passes (could take 2 days or 2 weeks) she’ll suddenly turn cold again, especially when the OM starts to miss her and contacts her. That’s when you get DDay 2 and you are back to square one.
> 
> The easier you make things for her, the harder things will be for you.
> 
> tl;dr: Don’t get your hopes up yet cowboy.


:iagree:


----------



## 3putt

ArmyofJuan said:


> RED ALERT!
> 
> Don’t expect this to last for long. I’ve seen this dozens of times and it always seems to end badly.
> 
> Most likely she is on the outs with the OM but that’s usually temporary. Once this phase passes (could take 2 days or 2 weeks) she’ll suddenly turn cold again, *especially when the OM starts to miss her and contacts her*. That’s when you get DDay 2 and you are back to square one.
> 
> The easier you make things for her, the harder things will be for you.
> 
> tl;dr: Don’t get your hopes up yet cowboy.


Did you mean to say _"when the OM starts to get horny and contacts her"?_


----------



## warlock07

Read your own thread,. You know what she did. 

Make sure you are sure about your emotions while doing this. If this just to get off, go ahead but don't confuse your emotions. Here is how one poster handled his STBXW


> She came over last weekend to help me sort out our respective belongings and I think, for a moment she must have thought I was going to ask her back. We ordered pizzas and got through a couple of bottles of red wine.
> This led to us making out, which in turn led to the first time I've had sex with my wife since October 2012.
> 
> However, the next day, last Sunday, over breakfast I bluntly told her that "last night doesnt change anything....we're still doing this and I'm still filing for divorce"
> The look on her face - I never saw anyone look truly crestfallen as I did my wife that morning.


----------



## warlock07

mad6r said:


> Hello everyone here is an update to my story:
> Friday the 1st I was out watching Laker game with a friend and I had 3 beers, after the game I dropped off my buddy and deciced to go visit OM's house to see if she was there. (she said she was going to her female friends house) Sure enough she was and I called and asked her to come out but she didnt answer or come out when I went to knock on door. Keep in mind she has still not admitted to having sex with this guy "we are just friends" and I needed to hear that from her mouth even though I knew it in my heart. I dont know why I need it but I did.
> 
> I waited for about 45 minutes and as I am about to leave the Sherriff's show up, Great!!! Im going to jail...They pull me out of car with guns drawn and search me and my car and sit me in the back of the police car. They asked what I was doing and I explained the situation to them and luckily they just let me go. Good thing I was sober enough. Cowards never came out the house and even the deputy called them cowards. I left without incident but they told me if I ever come back I will go to jail. Needless to say, I will not be going back ever again.
> 
> The next day I called my WW to come pick up the rest of her crap or I will toss it. Just clothes and shoes nothing valuable. She comes by and I ask again but she still denies and says they are only friends. She asked me to put her car in the driveway so that she can load and I say "Do it your damn self". As she goes to move her car she left her cell phone on the bed and finally I got my conformation about the sex. I took pictures of her text messages to OM and found out more than I needed to know. I gave her one more chance to tell me the truth but she still denied it. So now I show her the cell phone in my hand and she starts screaming about invading her privacy again.
> 
> When she left I started reading all their messages, one in particular was that he told her to stop buying starbucks coffee and drink the office coffee because she needs to start saving for "spousal support"! (funny and ironic) and another about some specific sexual positions I dont want to mention.
> 
> That day I called my brother and sisters to lend me some money for a lawyer. I was still on fence about filing because of our financial situation but I met with one yesterday and put in paperwork asking for joint custody, child support, Spousal Support and going after half her pension too. I wish I could see her face when she gets served.(She wont be buying any more Starbucks thats for sure)
> 
> It still hurts like hell! but in some way I feel somewhat better knowing that I will never take her back after this and will not believe anything she says from now on. I'm Gonna have to get tested this week for everything cuz I dont trust her. It's sad that it had to come to this point but now I know what kind of person she is, a liar,betrayer, immoral, and other stuff I cant say here.
> 
> My health and my boys are my only focus right now and somehow I have to start eating right because I am down to 176lbs but I like what I see now in the mirror. I was with this woman 20 and half years since I was 17! And she moved on with OM without giving it a second thought. I asked her for ALL the jewelry I ever bought her and she gave it all back even her wedding ring. Gonna sell it to pay my brothers back. It's hard to believe she could be this cold!
> 
> I will keep you guys posted after she gets served, this should be fun but might get ugly!





mad6r said:


> Yup, she still denies cheating because she left. And she will never acknowledge sending the picture was cheating even before she left.(and she calls me stubborn)
> 
> I appreaciate all the positive comments here and it makes me feel better at times about all this.
> 
> It's funny that she used to give me crap for years about all our arguments being about sex and I always said it was her lack of love and affection not the sex. But look at her now! All she goes over there for is the sex and she doesnt even realize this is all the OM wants. She even calls him BABE already but he doesnt... haha! She is neglecting seeing her kids and on Saturday they only spent 3 hours with her because they wanted to come home to me. (priceless)
> 
> I've been spending a lot of time with them since this has happened and its a shame that I just started getting closer now than before. One thing I have always done with them that my parents rarely did with me was to kiss them every morning when I say goodbye and every night before bed and tell them that I love them, and it has become their habit to just come give me a kiss when they get home or when I get home from work.




Go figure...She wants sex and you gave in immediately ? How easy are you to manipulate?
All she had to do was give you some compliments and rub your junk


----------



## 3putt

warlock07 said:


> Read your own thread,. You know what she did.
> 
> Make sure you are sure about your emotions while doing this. If this just to get off, go ahead but don't confuse your emotions. Here is how one poster handled his STBXW


Ah, the good ole _Revolutionary War II_ thread.


----------



## walkonmars

Mad

Be very very careful. The OM is a certified Ahole (and you know your wife is too). They may have had a falling out;

POSOM: "babe you're lucky to have me. You can't do better!"
Cheating W: "Oh yah? watch"

You are likely a pawn. Don't fall for this. Ride it for what it's worth. But forget all about "we have a 20 yr history together! I can't forget about that" 

I say that because you seem to forget that the "20 yr history" meant absolutely nutin' to her. Not at all. 

It'll just take a finger-snap and a nod of the head and she'll fly away again. Stay cool. Take what you want - but don't put your emotions on the line. And be sure to keep your ass out of the pokey.


----------



## mad6r

warlock07 said:


> Go figure...She wants sex and you gave in immediately ? How easy are you to manipulate?
> All she had to do was give you some compliments and rub your junk


That's why I'm here, the brutal and honest truth from everyone. Like I said, only sex. Why can't I have some fun? I made no commitments to her about anything. Just getting mine for now.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

mad6r said:


> That's why I'm here, the brutal and honest truth from everyone. Like I said, only sex. Why can't I have some fun? I made no commitments to her about anything. Just getting mine for now.


Let us know when the "divorce" rearrangements start or you get accused of rape. Sorry, but in this type of "relationship," it is rarely only sex.

I always thought the rape accusations were BS until I came here.


----------



## 3putt

mad6r said:


> That's why I'm here, the brutal and honest truth from everyone. Like I said, only sex. Why can't I have some fun? I made no commitments to her about anything. Just getting mine for now.


I just hope you used a condom. I understand where you are coming from, but you had better start to understand where you really are. Yeah, you just had some "fun", but that "fun" also included whatever OM may have have caught from his other "fun" partner's and passed onto you...via your WW.

Is the thought of that potentially occurring actually "fun"?

Not saying this to be condescending, but you really don't seem to be taking any of this seriously...and it is.

Oh, I won't even mention the fact that when you allowed this to happen you also allowed your WW to realize that she can still control and manipulate you with what she has between her legs.

I won't mention that at all.


----------



## Jasel

mad6r said:


> That's why I'm here, the brutal and honest truth from everyone. Like I said, only sex. Why can't I have some fun? I made no commitments to her about anything. Just getting mine for now.


Well if you want honest truth then it's not "only sex" in that type of situation. It's not like you had some ONS with an anonymous stranger you're never going to see again. That would be "only sex".


----------



## Decorum

Is this Carlton's thread? Am I lost?


----------



## tom67

Decorum said:


> Is this Carlton's thread? Am I lost?


I hear you:rofl:hey he's not going bareback


----------



## OldWolf57

This is so normal M, she wants to keep a finger in, cause you are rejecting her now.

Also consider she may be softening you up to knock the support out, and get the car back.

As for the sex, hey, do you man.


----------



## weightlifter

Jasel said:


> And we've seen how many times WS act like they want their BS back only to check out again once it's clear they can get them back (ie: Check out GutPunch's thread in the going through divorce section).


Ugh Gutpunch's is the most brutal Ive seen yet. (One day his wife tells him to his face on her way out the door shes on the way to a hotel to fvck another man as she is taking the known EA to a PA) Anyway his is called Gutpunchs Journal.

shrug be careful man you prolly can figger where she was on V-day. I get it. Your life. Its just I see iceberg ahead!

No matter your choice. I honestly hope the best.


----------



## tom67

Make sure she's aware you have options just sayin.


----------



## Kaya62003

ArmyofJuan said:


> RED ALERT!
> 
> Don’t expect this to last for long. I’ve seen this dozens of times and it always seems to end badly.
> 
> Most likely she is on the outs with the OM but that’s usually temporary. Once this phase passes (could take 2 days or 2 weeks) she’ll suddenly turn cold again, especially when the OM starts to miss her and contacts her. That’s when you get DDay 2 and you are back to square one.
> 
> The easier you make things for her, the harder things will be for you.
> 
> tl;dr: Don’t get your hopes up yet cowboy.


That's great advice! I am a female and I am well aware of the power of the vagina. It was stated earlier, that a "vagina can be a powerful weapon when used correctly". She used it correctly in the car, at the 7eleven and the motel. You have received a lot of great advice on how to handle the situation. I hope you follow it. Something seems shady...and I think it's the "she cannot have you, so now he seems more attractive". I don't know about reconciliation and the ins and outs, (my STBXH pa was a deal breaker) but from what I have read, sex should be the last item on the path to reconciliation. So please proceed with caution. Especially if you don't want another V-day episode. Not to mention, v-day was 12 days ago. I hardly doubt she has fully come to her senses.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Decorum

Dday vs VDday

I dont know where youve been but I see youve won first prize!

When you touch a door knob you touch everything the hands that touched the door knob before you have touched!

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mad6r

Kaya62003 said:


> That's great advice! I am a female and I am well aware of the power of the vagina. It was stated earlier, that a "vagina can be a powerful weapon when used correctly". She used it correctly in the car, at the 7eleven and the motel. You have received a lot of great advice on how to handle the situation. I hope you follow it. Something seems shady...and I think it's the "she cannot have you, so now he seems more attractive". I don't know about reconciliation and the ins and outs, (my STBXH pa was a deal breaker) but from what I have read, sex should be the last item on the path to reconciliation. So please proceed with caution. Especially if you don't want another V-day episode. Not to mention, v-day was 12 days ago. I hardly doubt she has fully come to her senses.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> 
> *thanks for all the brutal honesty! I am aware the power of the vagina, but I like to think it was also my power over her. R is not on the table at all and D is still in motion. I even have a surprise for her, she doesn't know I'm going after half her pension yet!*
> 
> 
> This is so normal M, she wants to keep a finger in, cause you are rejecting her now.
> 
> Also consider she may be softening you up to knock the support out, and get the car back.
> 
> As for the sex, hey, do you man.
> 
> *I will not be dropping or lowering support that I am entitled to, and she can have the car back in October like I said. Lease is up on her car then and I can trade for a brand new one, that'll piss her off even more.*
> 
> I hear youhey he's not going bareback
> 
> *No sir I am not, it will stay under wrap with her and every one else!*
> 
> Go figure...She wants sex and you gave in immediately ? How easy are you to manipulate?
> All she had to do was give you some compliments and rub your junk
> 
> *I am trying to honest with myself when I say this is going nowhere with her.My emotions are still in check and my anxiety has not reappeared. My dealbreaker was her having sex with POSOM. D is still proceeding as with child and spousal support. I still see my IC and she tells me everything I have heard here.
> I will not R now or anytime soon, and I am keeping my distance while dropping off my son, just hellos and goodbyes. She sees the changes I've been through and it makes her wonder what I am doing but it doesnt make me feel any different. I just wanted to get laid and she just made it easy. I cant say I wont do it again but I will not do it at the snap of her finger, I hope.[/*
> 
> Mad
> 
> Be very very careful. The OM is a certified Ahole (and you know your wife is too). They may have had a falling out;
> 
> POSOM: "babe you're lucky to have me. You can't do better!"
> Cheating W: "Oh yah? watch"
> 
> You are likely a pawn. Don't fall for this. Ride it for what it's worth. But forget all about "we have a 20 yr history together! I can't forget about that"
> 
> I say that because you seem to forget that the "20 yr history" meant absolutely nutin' to her. Not at all.
> 
> It'll just take a finger-snap and a nod of the head and she'll fly away again. Stay cool. Take what you want - but don't put your emotions on the line. And be sure to keep your ass out of the pokey.
> 
> *WOM, I haven't forgotten and it will be remembered for life. I will not be caught up in a triangle with her and staying out of jail will be easy enough, I haven't been there since that day and dont plan on ever going back.*QUOTE]


----------



## Kaya62003

Mad6r, I didnt mean any disrespect. I just want you to be careful! If you can make her feel as bad as she made you feel, then more power to you. Just dont let her soften your heart. And that's awesome you are getting half her pension lol! She deserves the comeuppance she is currently receiving.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mad6r

Kaya62003 said:


> Mad6r, I didnt mean any disrespect. I just want you to be careful! If you can make her feel as bad as she made you feel, then more power to you. Just dont let her soften your heart. And that's awesome you are getting half her pension lol! She deserves the comeuppance she is currently receiving.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No disrepect taken, I don't think she will ever feel bad about what she did because in her mind she left before she didn anything. She cant make my heart feel any worse than she has anymore.


----------



## Kaya62003

mad6r said:


> No disrepect taken, I don't think she will ever feel bad about what she did because in her mind she left before she didn anything. She cant make my heart feel any worse than she has anymore.


That's the crappy thing that some of us BS have to deal with. I told my STBXH I didn't want anything from him, including an apology. It really doesn't mean anything, especially if they are continuing contact with their AP. You seem to be in a good place, I would hate to see you have to start your hard work over again. You've proven to yourself that you still have your mojo (younger woman one night stand)...so keep that in mind when dealing with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mad6r

Kaya62003 said:


> That's the crappy thing that some of us BS have to deal with. I told my STBXH I didn't want anything from him, including an apology. It really doesn't mean anything, especially if they are continuing contact with their AP. You seem to be in a good place, I would hate to see you have to start your hard work over again. You've proven to yourself that you still have your mojo (younger woman one night stand)...so keep that in mind when dealing with her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'd be lying if I said it didn't trigger anything at all but I was able to walk away from her without the luvvy dubby crap. I'm not falling for the trap just yet. She sent me a text today about her "feelings" about what happened. I'm thinking OM was either out of town or had family over and she couldnt be with him. I have yet to reply if at all.

I keep thinking she changes but not for me, she's always been more concerened about POSOM's feelings more than mine. Keeping busy is my only outlet right now, work, gym home to my boys.


----------



## Acabado

Don't anwers to any of those relationship/emotions/feelings texts. Kids and logistics.


----------



## mad6r

Hey guys,

I don't know why but I'm feeling like I am back to square one again.
(Everyone saw it coming but me) After our last weekend together I've been leaving her alone but we have been talking a lot and she gives me these lines about not knowing what she wants and says she is very confused. And she has mixed emotions along with new feelings she's never had before toward me. I never thought I would even think about "R" but she says she enjoyed spending time with me and we have not been arguing about anything at all. I was at a spiritual mens retreat with church during the week for a couple of days and it opened up my eyes about what little problems I have with her compared to other marriages. 

I dont know why my feelings for her have not changed and I dont know if she still sees POSOM. I didnt have sex with her this weekend but I wanted to...We had dinner on Saturday and talked for hours again and she told me she's still hanging on to me too but she doesn't know what to do. I dont want to keep pushing her in fear of pushing her completely away. 

After last weekend I would send her some pics of myself either out and about or at home and to my surprise she saved them all on her album from the text messages. I dont know what to make of this and she tells me she looks at them everyday. She showed me a picture and handed me her phone and I started swiping to see other pictures but I stopped myself. I didnt want to see something I really didnt want to see. But she kept swiping through and showing me what was there. Mostly of me.

I also saw one she captured from a friends Facebook page where the friend tagged me and I was having a good time and said it made her jealous because I was with another woman(Not the one I did btw) but it made me feel good that she admitted it to me without me even asking. I cant help but feel responsible for all the bad parts in our marriage now because I am acting different and even I see it. I know she's still on the fence and I am driving myself crazy again. 

I dont know what to think about all this. A lesser man would have given up a long time a go and even a stronger man would have given up too, but what does that make me? Again I ask for your brutal honesty!


----------



## Cubby

Maybe her new feelings toward you are because the POSOM dropped her.

I need to go back and read your thread because I've forgotten the details, but I do know that if my wife was confused or on the fence with her feelings about me I'd push her off the fence and run in the other direction. There are too many women out there who would appreciate a good man than to waste time with someone who can't decide what she wants.


----------



## livinfree

Cubby said:


> ... but I do know that if my wife was confused or on the fence with her feelings about me I'd push her off the fence and run in the other direction.


Very true, I couldn't get my ex off the fence.

_*I*_ decided for her.


----------



## walkonmars

You want my honest opinion? here it is:


MadR
Does she still have weight issues? Remember she told the OM lies about you. How you called her fat. He was there to comfort her. It was you who said you had helped her pick out much of her wardrobe. You may have had some issues, as we all do. But you seemed to be attentive. 

The "BIG SIN" that I think you committed was to get laid off and be in danger of losing your home. That is a troublesome time for families. You know what families do in troubled times? The stick together! The pull closer. They encourage and support one another. Which of these did she do? 

NO what she did was take the opportunity to send racy pictures to another man, spend more time with him, go to dinner with him, hide in his house for a hours while she or he called the cops to get you away and put you in your place. That's what she did. That's the thanks you got. Did you deserve it? You've said all along that you "love that woman". What is it about her that you love?

Her sense of loyalty to you?

Her sense of honor for you, herself, her family?

Her unselfish attitude?

Her sense of dignity? 

Because you haven't pointed out any of these qualities. If fact her qualities are the complete opposite. MadR, it's during times of trouble that you find out the character of someone. You now know her character so if you want to bring her back into your life, be prepared for her character to emerge again whenever she chooses to let it show. 

If I were you, I would never ever forget how she treated you. What she is REALLY like. Sure, she's all lovey dovey right now. But you know what? Marriage has perks and responsibilities. She wants the perks but not the responsibilities. 

So it didn't work out fully with the OM. He got tired of her and is probably laying pipe to someone elsle. So now she wants back. You should make her write out everything that occurred. She should include an explanation too. 

Why she went to him. What they did every time in detail. Why they called the cops and were just as happy to get you thrown in jail. If she demurs that is a sign that she is not at all into you. Only into the perks.


----------



## walkonmars

Mad,
I'm sure she loves you to some degree. But her love for you has proven to be superficial and shallow. Only good when times are good. Only if you can provide a roof over her head and a safe, convenient place for her to hang out. Did she even THINK about sending you a racy picture? Not until the OM had seen plenty. 

That's how much she thinks of you. If you insist on hanging out with her make her earn every minute. Tell her that. Let her figure what she needs to do to earn time with you. You are waaaaayy too anxious to let her strut back with no remorse. Big mistake Mad, big mistake.


----------



## Cubby

walkonmars said:


> Mad,
> I'm sure she loves you to some degree. But her love for you has proven to be superficial and shallow. Only good when times are good. Only if you can provide a roof over her head and a safe, convenient place for her to hang out. Did she even THINK about sending you a racy picture? Not until the OM had seen plenty.
> 
> That's how much she thinks of you. If you insist on hanging out with her make her *earn* every minute. Tell her that. Let her figure what she needs to do to *earn* time with you. You are waaaaayy too anxious to let her strut back with no remorse. Big mistake Mad, big mistake.


Earn. That's the word that has to be foremost in your thoughts if you decide to spend any time with her. (Remember, any time you spend with her is time you're not spending on other more worthy women...sigh)


----------



## Jasel

I'm just not seeing anything in what you've posted lately that indicates any problems that you guys have had have been fixed, resolved, or are even in the process of doing so.


----------



## mad6r

Jasel said:


> I'm just not seeing anything in what you've posted lately that indicates any problems that you guys have had have been fixed, resolved, or are even in the process of doing so.


You're right!

I was still looking for something but nothing has been fixed. My problem is how do I stop myself from myself? I have this urge to talk to her when I drop off my son and when I pick him up and it seems like she enjoys it too. Do I do 180 again but for how long before she comes to me and starts something again. If I tell her to leave me alone she will but it's not what I want. ugh!!!! now I'm confused to shiat!!! or I gues I'm just weak!


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch

She will want you back, after the OM dumps her and she realizes you were always watching out for her, and you were the only thing GOOD in her life.

Plan Z is what you are. Don't be confused. A cheater will cheat when the times are good or bad. 


No signs of possible R as of yet. So do not be confused and proceed.


----------



## Jasel

You and your wife both kind of sound like you're in the fog.


----------



## walkonmars

I guess I'm more outraged than you are Madr about her calling the cops on you. She would have just as soon see you be taken away in handcuffs, away from your home, away from your boys for the night. That's unforgivable in my book. 

But that's not all. She proceeded to stay with the OM - even after the cops spoke to her. How they must have smirked at your situation. Has she even explained her thinking on that? 

I guess clipping out pictures of you will have to serve as a sign of her new commitment to you. But if you really want to detach then just tell her. 

Tell her you feel totally betrayed. That all the years together must have meant nothing to her. And now they mean nothing to you. Tell her. Tell her she must earn her way back to you. Tell her to figure out how to do it. If she can't then she really has no real interest in you. Only an interest in what she might want - for the moment.


----------



## mad6r

walkonmars said:


> I guess I'm more outraged than you are Madr about her calling the cops on you. She would have just as soon see you be taken away in handcuffs, away from your home, away from your boys for the night. That's unforgivable in my book.
> 
> *I have no doubt OM was the one who called but still no excuse because she didnt stop him.*
> 
> But that's not all. She proceeded to stay with the OM - even after the cops spoke to her. How they must have smirked at your situation. Has she even explained her thinking on that?
> 
> *I'm not defending her but she did leave right after and we met up again to talk at her mom's house.*
> 
> I guess clipping out pictures of you will have to serve as a sign of her new commitment to you. But if you really want to detach then just tell her.
> 
> *I don't know if I'm there yet, part of me wants to R and part just wants to beat the crap out of her.*
> 
> Tell her you feel totally betrayed. That all the years together must have meant nothing to her. And now they mean nothing to you. Tell her. Tell her she must earn her way back to you. Tell her to figure out how to do it. If she can't then she really has no real interest in you. Only an interest in what she might want - for the moment.
> 
> *I'm trying brotha!*


----------



## sandc

I suggest you divorce her as planned. She killed this marriage. Let it die. After the divorce she can try to date you along with any other woman you would like to date. You can then pick the woman who best meets your needs.

And if you go to a Christian church please quit sleeping with other women while you are married. If it's some other church accept my apologies.


----------



## bfree

mad6r said:


> Hey guys,
> 
> I don't know why but I'm feeling like I am back to square one again.
> (Everyone saw it coming but me) *After our last weekend together I've been leaving her alone but we have been talking a lot and she gives me these lines about not knowing what she wants and says she is very confused.* And she has mixed emotions along with new feelings she's never had before toward me. I never thought I would even think about "R" but she says she enjoyed spending time with me and we have not been arguing about anything at all. I was at a spiritual mens retreat with church during the week for a couple of days and it opened up my eyes about what little problems I have with her compared to other marriages.


Me me me I I I 

Its all about her isn't it? She cheated and its all about her? Why isn't it all about you? Shouldn't it be?


----------



## terrence4159

madr she is doing to you what my XW did to me..keeping her hooks in you till the om pans out. you are her fall back plan and security blanket. she saw you pulling away got scared had sex with you and bammmoooo you are hooked again. sorry you are getting played all over again.

thats why i got the tattoo i did it ended her playing with me and was my stamp on ending the marriage. 9 years later got my son 75% of the time and remarried 7 years ago to a great woman.


----------



## mad6r

sandc said:


> I suggest you divorce her as planned. She killed this marriage. Let it die. After the divorce she can try to date you along with any other woman you would like to date. You can then pick the woman who best meets your needs.
> 
> And if you go to a Christian church please quit sleeping with other women while you are married. If it's some other church accept my apologies.


Divorce still going as planned, you can chaulk it up to a moment of weakness but still wrong I know that as a Christian man. All I can do is ask for firgiveness.


----------



## spudster

mad6r said:


> Divorce still going as planned, you can chaulk it up to a moment of weakness but still wrong I know that as a Christian man. All I can do is ask for firgiveness.


You didn't do anything wrong. Nothing to ask forgiveness for. So you had a weak moment and gave into the love you have for your WW. Now suck it up, chalk it up to experience and remember the signs to look for if you ever start drifting off the highway again. 

Don't beat yourself up about it. Your WW is beating you up enough.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## warlock07

mad6r said:


> Hey guys,
> 
> I don't know why but I'm feeling like I am back to square one again.
> (Everyone saw it coming but me) After our last weekend together I've been leaving her alone but we have been talking a lot and she gives me these lines about not knowing what she wants and says she is very confused. And she has mixed emotions along with new feelings she's never had before toward me. I never thought I would even think about "R" but she says she enjoyed spending time with me and we have not been arguing about anything at all. I was at a spiritual mens retreat with church during the week for a couple of days and it opened up my eyes about what little problems I have with her compared to other marriages.
> 
> I dont know why my feelings for her have not changed and I dont know if she still sees POSOM. I didnt have sex with her this weekend but I wanted to...We had dinner on Saturday and talked for hours again and she told me she's still hanging on to me too but she doesn't know what to do. I dont want to keep pushing her in fear of pushing her completely away.
> 
> After last weekend I would send her some pics of myself either out and about or at home and to my surprise she saved them all on her album from the text messages. I dont know what to make of this and she tells me she looks at them everyday. She showed me a picture and handed me her phone and I started swiping to see other pictures but I stopped myself. I didnt want to see something I really didnt want to see. But she kept swiping through and showing me what was there. Mostly of me.
> 
> I also saw one she captured from a friends Facebook page where the friend tagged me and I was having a good time and said it made her jealous because I was with another woman(Not the one I did btw) but it made me feel good that she admitted it to me without me even asking. I cant help but feel responsible for all the bad parts in our marriage now because I am acting different and even I see it. I know she's still on the fence and I am driving myself crazy again.
> 
> I dont know what to think about all this. A lesser man would have given up a long time a go and even a stronger man would have given up too, but what does that make me? Again I ask for your brutal honesty!


She is feeding your ego and you are lapping it up like a sucker..I don't see one good reason from your post.And why are you so chummy chummy with her?


----------



## mad6r

bfree said:


> Me me me I I I
> 
> Its all about her isn't it? She cheated and its all about her? Why isn't it all about you? Shouldn't it be?


It will be! I gotta grow a pair so to speak. I need to let go but I cant just yet and I dont know how.


----------



## Madman1

mad6r said:


> Hey guys,
> I cant help but feel responsible for all the bad parts in our marriage now because I am acting different and even I see it.


*Yeah Dude you deserve everything she did to you-not!
Any good woman would have done the same-not!
Forget about what has happened,and go running back to her-not!

This puggy princess must be quite a catch!-not!

You have improved yourself, good for you, her cheating is not your fault, and I would like to see her working as hard on herself for several times longer than you have before I would consider her marriage material.

*




mad6r said:


> I don't think she will ever feel bad about what she did because in her mind she left before she didn anything.
> 
> *Do you remember writing this?*
> 
> 
> 
> She cant make my heart feel any worse than she has anymore.
> 
> 
> *HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA, when she goes running back to Om (or has an ea/pa with someone else) this will be another one of your statements that you will have to walk back.* :rofl:
> .


*You have a problem letting her go? I dont have any problem letting go of my trash!*


----------



## bfree

mad6r said:


> It will be! I gotta grow a pair so to speak. I need to let go but I cant just yet and I dont know how.


Sure you do. You just don't want to because then its final. You need to understand that your marriage is dead, you just won't let it fall. But all the paint and perfume is not going to cover that ugliness and stench. Bury it and be done. There is a great new world out there just waiting for you if you'll just walk away from the past.


----------



## warlock07

Do you know why you don't have arguments these days?

Because you don't talk about her betrayal or problems..

Do you still remember the texts she sent the OM? Read your own thread FFS. The denial, the lies, the betrayal..


----------



## weightlifter

With this one if you R...

IF you insist on R. Divorce then date her and a couple others. Bet the others win that race.

Ugh these threads blend. ?She not only sent pics... She fu(ked him and did anal and other stuff she never did for you and you learned it from text message history.?


----------



## walkonmars

Use terrence4159 as a model for what to do and how to react. He took lemons and... you know the rest. Forget the kool-aid she is offering and opt for lemonade.


----------



## terrence4159

dont apologize madr, i had lots of moments of weakness....LOTS its natural. dont do the R divorce her you can always date her after the D lots of people do. stay strong buddy we are all pulling for you.


----------



## terrence4159

ill tell you a little about my current wife (see whats out there mad6r) meet her online she had 2 FWB before we meet i went to meet her at her work took my 2 1/2 yr old with me. she spent the first 10 min talking to HIM. then 35 with me. i left she called her FWB and told them shes done meet the guy she is going to marry.

i let her do GNO she did maybe 1 or 2 a year for the first 2 years hanst done one since (her choice) married not for me. even wont go to bars with her married sister. her best friend of 22 years (wife 30) cheated on her husband my wife has cut her out of her life doesnt want to be friends with people like that.

there are better things out there mad6r women who will give you the love you deserve!!


----------



## mad6r

warlock07 said:


> She is feeding your ego and you are lapping it up like a sucker..I don't see one good reason from your post.And why are you so chummy chummy with her?


I know you're right and we still have to be at least friendly for the children. I guess my problem is I still love her and cant let that go and I dont know why even after everything she did.


----------



## walkonmars

mad6r said:


> I know you're right and we still have to be at least friendly for the children. I guess my problem is I still love her and cant let that go and I dont know why even after everything she did.


I asked you before why you love her. (It's okay that you do, but you should know why - yes?)

You don't have to share it with the board but you really need to have clear in your mind the "why". Make a project of writing an essay listing and explaining 7 reasons you love your wife. Be objective. When you finish the essay put it away for a few days. Then take it out and read it as if you are a stranger. Edit the essay if need be. Keep working on it for a few weeks. 

My prediction, after a few weeks you struggle to keep 3 weak reasons.


----------



## VFW

I won't throw any rocks at you for having sex with your own wife, even though it may not help the situation. You just have to know that it opens you up for more pain. As long as you are aware of this and choose to have a physical relationship with her, that is your business. However, I would warn you that my ex did the same thing. While I enjoyed the hysterical bonding that took place from time to time, the bottom line was she was looking for something from me. It was all part of her plan to manipulate me for money and handyman services. Buyer beware!!!


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch

C'mon mad max, anger is not a bad emotion. Use it for your motivation. Move, don't stagnate, work hard, get promoted, upgrade yourself, move on, life goes on. No one cares about your life more than your children and yourself! Go!


----------



## mad6r

So I called POSOM and informed him the she was all his. And thanked him for being away last weekend so that I could service her all weekend long. And service her I did!!!!
I got the balls to ask her today if I should let her go but she still said no and wanted to keep trying to work something out but she was being honest about where 
she was going and told me she spent the night last night and she was going again tonight to OM. I told her I was not going to share her and that I don't want to be that man. 
So I spoke with him for about 10 minutes and she started texting me a few minutes later saying that I couldn't leave well enough alone. At least now I can be in his head every time he does her. He might not care but he'll be thinking about it. 

I'm trying guys, I will move out of my parents this year with my boys. That is my ultimate goal and whatever happens in between is just a bonus.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy

Is OM on cheaterville yet? Time to fix that if he isn't.


----------



## Madman1

Mad6r,
At least you got that out of your system.
No decent woman would do what she is doing, you are just a thing to her, and so is OM, she is using you both for validation, like an emotional vibrator, a Vala-brator, she is living the dream of having two men desperate for her, she is getting a major buzz off it, its really sick.

She is not showing you any compassion or kindness, its disrespectful beyond words.

I am not knocking meaningless sex, but for the sake of your self respect dont pretend it is anything else.

I would show more mercy to a rabid dog then she is showing you by shagging you both.

Disgusting!

Move on!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Madman1

You have probably guarantee a crash an burn in her future, but now move to indifference!

Now as much as possible, NC, 180, detach, detach, detach!

Moving on will be your greatest victory, and indifference your grestest revenge!


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy

So you've dumped her. You got some and dumped. Well done. No don't look back


----------



## mad6r

Shaggy said:


> Is OM on cheaterville yet? Time to fix that if he isn't.


What is that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Madman1

Ha ha she cheated on her Om, with her stbx, he's not making long term plans for her, ha ha ha ha, what a piece of work!


I wonder if she told him "I'm so confused I just dont know what I want"? :rofl:


----------



## Kaya62003

mad6r said:


> So I called POSOM and informed him the she was all his. And thanked him for being away last weekend so that I could service her all weekend long. And service her I did!!!!
> I got the balls to ask her today if I should let her go but she still said no and wanted to keep trying to work something out but she was being honest about where
> she was going and told me she spent the night last night and she was going again tonight to OM. I told her I was not going to share her and that I don't want to be that man.
> So I spoke with him for about 10 minutes and she started texting me a few minutes later saying that I couldn't leave well enough alone. At least now I can be in his head every time he does her. He might not care but he'll be thinking about it.
> 
> I'm trying guys, I will move out of my parents this year with my boys. That is my ultimate goal and whatever happens in between is just a bonus.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Glad to hear it! You'll be much happier in the long run. My STBXH has shown his true colors constantly over the past 3 months we have been separated. I have nothing left for him. So it'd be a lot easier for me to tell him to go be with MOW and stay the hell away from me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lordmayhem

Madman1 said:


> Mad6r,
> At least you got that out of your system.
> No decent woman would do what she is doing, you are just a thing to her, and so is OM, she is using you both for validation, like an emotional vibrator, a Vala-brator, she is living the dream of having two men desperate for her, she is getting a major buzz off it, its really sick.
> 
> She is not showing you any compassion or kindness, its disrespectful beyond words.
> 
> I am not knocking meaningless sex, but for the sake of your self respect dont pretend it is anything else.
> 
> I would show more mercy to a rabid dog then she is showing you by shagging you both.
> 
> Disgusting!
> 
> Move on!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

She's rubbing the affair in his face.


----------



## Madman1

mad6r said:


> So I spoke with him for about 10 minutes and she started texting me a few minutes later saying that I couldn't leave well enough alone. _Posted via Mobile Device_


To your stbxw "These last months have been the worst of my life, I have felt pissed, I have felt pain like never before, and I have felt pathetic, but after out time together over the weekend when you went back to him, I realized my feelings changed, I cant explain it, but I feel relieved, I have a new sense of freedom like I just woke up from a refreshing nap. I dont want you back and If he wants you he is more than welcome to have you, (insert genuine laugh/chuckle here). I will probably shake his hand the next time I see him".

I dont know what anyone will think of this but I enjoyed writing it out. I left out any self pity and insults as much as possible. So it sounds genuine and not just sour grapes.

I say give this your best Academy Awards performance.

My hope is that it would make a ws feel like she just stepped off the edge of a cliff and the fall is inevitable. A permanent, unyeilding change has taken place.

Maybe its just late night musing.

Later,


----------



## illwill

Do not compete with OM, for who is banging her the best. It is beneath you. Move on.


----------



## happyman64

Kudos to you for sending sloppy seconds to the OM.

Now send your wife packing for good!


----------



## bfree

Good for you! She's been disrespectful for long enough. Put the posom ln cheaterville. Its a site to put cheaters, homewreckers, etc. Anyone Googles his name and he will come up. Friends, relatives, employers, etc will all know what he is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## weightlifter

Dude at this point you may not want to break up the fog. Let him keep her.

You did better with that random younger woman than your wife once she strayed. Keep going to the house parties. Whoever the host of that party one is your new best friend. Expand your friend circle.

Get the D. Stay here helping the guys who come after you with your relevant advice... One day... A 6 months from now, maybe a year, you will update this thread... There is this girl, about 8 years younger (Just to piss off the ex-w) that has... possibilities...


----------



## mad6r

a.m. Update.

I sent him a text this morning stating the following: 

"BTW, I hope you've been strapping up with her because I bare backed it with her all weekend long and she must have cum at least 10 times that I counted."

I called her 1 last time just now at her work to tell her something about our children and she went on about why I called him? what was the point? and so on. I said "It's not like he got mad, he doesn't care." She says you weren't there so you dont know. So I'm thinking I'm in his head at least for the time being. 

Don't worry, I strapped up but he doesn't know that and if she denies it who will he believe? 

I gotta say when I told him last night he said "I don't care" but he said it with a tone of disbelief. Haha how does it feel to be cheated on Biatch!!!!

I'm feeling so much better!!!


----------



## Shoshan1290

mad6r said:


> a.m. Update.
> 
> I sent him a text this morning stating the following:
> 
> "BTW, I hope you've been strapping up with her because I bare backed it with her all weekend long and she must have cum at least 10 times that I counted."
> 
> I called her 1 last time just now at her work to tell her something about our children and she went on about why I called him? what was the point? and so on. I said "It's not like he got mad, he doesn't care." She says you weren't there so you dont know. So I'm thinking I'm in his head at least for the time being.
> 
> Don't worry, I strapped up but he doesn't know that and if she denies it who will he believe?
> 
> I gotta say when I told him last night he said "I don't care" but he said it with a tone of disbelief. Haha how does it feel to be cheated on Biatch!!!!
> 
> I'm feeling so much better!!!


Be careful with things like this! It's easy to play little mind games like this, but if you're not careful you'll get caught in that revenge cycle & it's definitely not healthy. You've been doing well in focusing on yourself so I'd urge you to continue that instead of finding ways to mess with their minds. Realistically their relationship won't last and will die a natural death all on it's own. Keep your hands clean & your chin up and you'll come out even better than you are now.


----------



## mad6r

walkonmars said:


> I asked you before why you love her. (It's okay that you do, but you should know why - yes?)
> 
> You don't have to share it with the board but you really need to have clear in your mind the "why". Make a project of writing an essay listing and explaining 7 reasons you love your wife. Be objective. When you finish the essay put it away for a few days. Then take it out and read it as if you are a stranger. Edit the essay if need be. Keep working on it for a few weeks.
> 
> My prediction, after a few weeks you struggle to keep 3 weak reasons.


WOM, I can probably name more than 10 but at this point there really is no more point. I think at this point D is the only option we have of ever getting back together but I'm still not 100% sure of what I want from her. I will not stop loving her as I'm sure most couples with this type of history don't either. At some point I will stop BEING in love with her but time is all I have now days.


----------



## Kaya62003

weightlifter said:


> Dude at this point you may not want to break up the fog. Let him keep her.
> 
> You did better with that random younger woman than your wife once she strayed. Keep going to the house parties. Whoever the host of that party one is your new best friend. Expand your friend circle.
> 
> Get the D. Stay here helping the guys who come after you with your relevant advice... One day... A 6 months from now, maybe a year, you will update this thread... There is this girl, about 8 years younger (Just to piss off the ex-w) that has... possibilities...


That's great advice!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lordmayhem

mad6r said:


> a.m. Update.
> 
> I sent him a text this morning stating the following:
> 
> "BTW, I hope you've been strapping up with her because I bare backed it with her all weekend long and she must have cum at least 10 times that I counted."
> 
> I called her 1 last time just now at her work to tell her something about our children and she went on about why I called him? what was the point? and so on. I said "It's not like he got mad, he doesn't care." She says you weren't there so you dont know. So I'm thinking I'm in his head at least for the time being.
> 
> Don't worry, I strapped up but he doesn't know that and if she denies it who will he believe?
> 
> I gotta say when I told him last night he said "I don't care" but he said it with a tone of disbelief. Haha how does it feel to be cheated on Biatch!!!!
> 
> I'm feeling so much better!!!


And that should be your last contact with OM. Seriously. You don't want a Protection/Restraining Order filed against you. OM and OW do this ALL THE TIME. Unfortunately, I've written the police reports so that OM/OW can use them to file for the PO/RO.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

mad6r said:


> I know you're right and we still have to be at least friendly for the children.


I use the word cordial. Me and my ex GF were cordial.


----------



## mad6r

lordmayhem said:


> And that should be your last contact with OM. Seriously. You don't want a Protection/Restraining Order filed against you. OM and OW do this ALL THE TIME. Unfortunately, I've written the police reports so that OM/OW can use them to file for the PO/RO.


That will be the last time I waste my breath with POSOM!


----------



## weightlifter

Agree above. Taunting the OM is fun but it gets you nothing. Let them both go... together.

In time. Find that better, loyal, loving, YOUNGER, replacement.


----------



## mad6r

Shoshan1290 said:


> Be careful with things like this! It's easy to play little mind games like this, but if you're not careful you'll get caught in that revenge cycle & it's definitely not healthy. You've been doing well in focusing on yourself so I'd urge you to continue that instead of finding ways to mess with their minds. Realistically their relationship won't last and will die a natural death all on it's own. Keep your hands clean & your chin up and you'll come out even better than you are now.


No more games for me, my revenge was getting her to cheat on him and get laid at the same time. It felt good and bad at the same time but if I can survive what she did, I can survive anything and everything.


----------



## Kaya62003

mad6r said:


> No more games for me, my revenge was getting her to cheat on him and get laid at the same time. It felt good and bad at the same time but if I can survive what she did, I can survive anything and everything.


That's a great attitude. So are you still going through with the divorce?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mad6r

Kaya62003 said:


> That's a great attitude. So are you still going through with the divorce?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yup! Still waiting on her to respond actually. But my plan no matter what is to get D.


----------



## Kaya62003

mad6r said:


> Yup! Still waiting on her to respond actually. But my plan no matter what is to get D.


I think you are making a wise decision. My divorce will be final at the end of April. Which is a huge relief!! Do you think she will sign the papers and give you the divorce with no hassles? And are you still taking half of her money? I don't remember if it was her retirement or spousal support?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mad6r

Kaya62003 said:


> I think you are making a wise decision. My divorce will be final at the end of April. Which is a huge relief!! Do you think she will sign the papers and give you the divorce with no hassles? And are you still taking half of her money? I don't remember if it was her retirement or spousal support?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think she will fight me on the spousal support and half the pension. I'm not asking for a lot of spousal support. If she makes $200 a month and I make $150 a month all I want is the difference so that we both make the same and are able to pay half the debt we have together with equal amounts which would be $25 a month in support. If I start getting promoted with raises than obviously that would change. I want nothing more nothing less but she doesn't understand the logic or the math I think. 

As for child support that may be different, they live with me now and the little one stays over 2-3 nights a week only because we both agreed on this. The older one just stays with me and doesn't really want to go with mom. I dont know too much about Cali law on this so I will let my lawyer figure it out.

The pension is another challenge in itself because I will have to pay another $1k or so for it. It's money I can put towards my retirement.

The pain is still there and I'm sure it's not over by a long shot. I can't listen to any music cuz it stings sometimes. I feel like she got the best of me and I got crap in return. I want to do NC, 180, but it's fackin hard. Even now as I'm typing this I want to talk to her!!! Shiat!!!


----------



## Kaya62003

Mad6r, Well I know it's hard. It sucks very much and I think a piece of you dies after experiencing this type of betrayal. Even though I cannot stand my STBX, it doesn't mean I don't miss him. I miss him all the time. But it's something I have to deal with. He's not the man I used to love. I mourn our relationship and what never will be. I want you to realize this is for the best. You don't have to be divorced for good. But for now and until she completely changes and does whatever she can to win you and your children back, it's what has to be. I tell myself everyday "I will make it"! And don't back down to your reasonable requests in your divorce. I think it's very reasonable and it's a consequence of her actions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## warlock07

> I got the balls to ask her today if I should let her go but she still said no and wanted to keep trying to work something out but she was being honest about where


she was going and told me she spent the night last night and she was going again tonight to OM. 

Come on!! This is pathetic. She told you she spent the night with the OM and your reaction is to send a weak text to the OM about you servicing her and her coming 10 times ? Why the f*ck are you fighting with this man for such a woman ?

Looks like you enjoy the drama way too much. Don't expect anyone to respect you when you don't repsect yourself.


----------



## turnera

On the outside chance you break and ask her to come home and she agrees, try to remember to at least have some rules in place. She has to write OM a NC letter to finalize the end of their relationship. She has to give you all her passwords. She has to apologize to her parents and your parents for cheating on you. She has to set up an appointment for a marriage counselor. Anything else you can think of that apply to your situation. 

If you just let her move back in, she'll have had no consequences and will just cheat again in the future.


----------



## mad6r

warlock07 said:


> she was going and told me she spent the night last night and she was going again tonight to OM.
> 
> Come on!! This is pathetic. She told you she spent the night with the OM and your reaction is to send a weak text to the OM about you servicing her and her coming 10 times ? Why the f*ck are you fighting with this man for such a woman ?
> 
> Looks like you enjoy the drama way too much. Don't expect anyone to respect you when you don't repsect yourself.


I like you Warlock, don't hold back! I call myselft a pvssy all the time and I have felt pathetic and weak at times. But like I said before, I really dont know why she has this hold on me. It's something I greatly have to work on. I will respect myself again sooner rather than later. She's made her choice now it's time to make mine.


----------



## bfree

mad6r said:


> I like you Warlock, don't hold back! I call myselft a pvssy all the time and I have felt pathetic and weak at times. But like I said before, *I really dont know why she has this hold on me*. It's something I greatly have to work on. I will respect myself again sooner rather than later. She's made her choice now it's time to make mine.


It's called oneitis. Its been the downfall of many men. There is a cure however. Its called dating.


----------



## bfree

Courtesy of Rollo Tomassi of The Rational Male

There is no One. |

_ONEitis is paralysis. You cease to mature, you cease to move, you cease to be you.

There is no ONE. This is the soulmate myth. There are some good Ones and some bad Ones, but there is no ONE. Anyone telling you anything else is selling you something. There are LOTS of ‘special someones’ out there for you, just ask the divorced/widowed person who’s remarried after their “soulmate” has died or moved on.

This is what trips people up about the soul-mate myth, it is this fantasy that we all at least in some way share an idealization of – that there is ONE perfect mate for each of us, and as soon as the planets align and fate takes it’s course we’ll know that we’re ‘intended’ for each other. And while this may make for a gratifying romantic comedy plot, it’s hardly a realistic way to plan your life. In fact it’s usually paralyzing.

What I find even more fascinating is how common the idea is (mostly for guys) that a nuts & bolts view of life should be trumped by this fantasy in the area of inter-sexual relationships. Guys who would otherwise recognize the value of understanding psychology, biology, sociology, evolution, business, engineering, etc. and the interplay we see these take place in our lives on a daily basis, are some of the first guys to become violently opposed to the idea that maybe there isn’t ‘someone for everyone’ or that there are a lot more ONEs out there that could meet or exceed the criteria we subconsciously set for them to be the ONE. I think it comes off as nihilistic or this dread that maybe their ego investment in this belief is false- it’s like saying God is dead to the deeply religious. It’s just too terrible to contemplate that there maybe no ONE or there maybe several ONEs to spend their lives with. This western romanticized mythology is based on the premise that there is only ONE perfect mate for any single individual and as much as a lifetime can and should be spent in constant search of this ‘soulmate.’ So strong and so pervasive is this myth in our collective society that it has become akin to a religious statement and in fact has been integrated into many religious doctrines as feminization of western culture has spread.

I think there’s been a mischaracterization of ONEitis. It’s necessary to differentiate between a healthy relationship based on mutual respect and a lopsided ONEitis based relationship. I’ve had more than a few guys seeking my advice, or challenging my take on ONEitis, essentially ask me for permission to accept ONEitis as legitimate monogamy. In my estimation ONEitis is an unhealthy psychological dependency that is the direct result of the continuous socialization of the soulmate myth in pop culture. What’s truly frightening is that ONEitis has become associated with being a healthy normative aspect of an LTR or marriage.

I come to the conclusion that ONEitis is based in sociological roots, not only due to it being a statement of personal belief, but by the degree to which this ideology is disseminated and mass marketed in popular culture through media, music, literature, movies, etc. Dating services like eHarmony shamelessly marketeer and exploit exactly the insecurities that this dynamic engenders in people desperately searching for the ONE “they were intended for.” The idea that men possess a natural capacity for protection, provisioning and monogamy has merit from both a social and bio-psychological standpoint, but a ONEitis psychosis is not a byproduct of it. Rather, I would set it apart from this healthy protector/provider dynamic since ONEitis essentially sabotages what our natural propensities would otherwise filter.

ONEitis is insecurity run amok while a person is single, and potentially paralyzing when coupled with the object of that ONEitis in an LTR. The same neurotic desperation that drives a person to settle for their ONE whether healthy or unhealthy is the same insecurity that paralyzes them from abandoning a damaging relationship – This is their ONE and how could they ever live without them? Or, they’re my ONE, but all I need is to fix myself or fix them to have my idealized relationship. And this idealization of a relationship is at the root of ONEitis. With such a limiting, all-or-nothing binary approach to searching for ONE needle in the haystack, and investing emotional effort over the course of a lifetime, how do we mature into a healthy understanding of what that relationship should really entail? The very pollyanna, idealized relationship – the “happily ever after” – that belief in a ONE promotes as an ultimate end, is thwarted and contradicted by the costs of the constant pursuit of the ONE for which they’ll settle for. After the better part of a lifetime is invested in this ideology, how much more difficult will it be to come to the realization that the person they’re with isn’t their ONE? To what extents will a person go to in order to protect a lifetime of this ego investment?

At some point in a ONEitis relationship one participant will establish dominance based on the powerlessness that this ONEitis necessitates. There is no greater agency for a woman than to know beyond doubt that she is the only source of a man’s need for sex and intimacy. ONEitis only cements this into the understanding of both parties. For a man who believes that the emotionally and psychologically damaging relationship he has ego-invested himself is with the only person in his lifetime he’s ever going to be compatible with, there is nothing more paralyzing in his maturation. The same of course holds true for women, and this is why we shake our heads when the beautiful HB 9 goes chasing back to her abusive and indifferent Jerk boyfriend, because she believes he is her ONE and the only source of security available to her. Hypergamy may be her root imperative for sticking with him, but it’s the soul-mate myth, the fear of the “ONE that got away” that makes for the emotional investment.

The definition of Power is not financial success, status or influence over others, but the degree to which we have control over our own lives. Subscribing to the soulmate mythology necessitates that we recognize powerlessness in this arena of our lives. Better I think it would be to foster a healthy understanding that there is no ONE. There are some good Ones and there are some bad Ones, but there is no ONE._


----------



## TRy

mad6r said:


> I sent him a text this morning stating the following:
> 
> "BTW, I hope you've been strapping up with her because I bare backed it with her all weekend long and she must have cum at least 10 times that I counted."


 This was very foolish of you to send.

1) Never say such things in writing, since once it is in writing you cannot take it back and it can be used against you later.

2) Your wife has been denying you sex as she has been given it to the other man. Telling the other man that you final got your own wife to have sex with you because the other man was out of town, does not sound like a victory to me. You have it backwards. She is your wife and not his. It should not have been a big deal to you, yet you let him know that it clearly was.

3) Your own posts shows that she was the one that instigated it with you. Your wife had sex with you to prove that she could have you any time that she wants. This ups her desirability rating with the other man. 

4) Cheaters often get off on the fact that they are having sex with another man's wife. Your wife was showing the other man that you still want her and he gets off on knowing that as he has sex with her. Knowing that you have now concede her to him, was a big ego boost for the other man.


----------



## weightlifter

Mad. More house parties. More friends. More random 26 year old women. More you making yourself better.

Less of your stbxw. And 100% less contact with the other man.

Your best revenge is success in the four things I mention in the first line of this post.

You did notice she noticed you got some riiiiigggghhhttt?????


----------



## Kaya62003

Mad6r, do you know when she was planning on responding to your divorce?


----------



## mad6r

Kaya62003 said:


> Mad6r, do you know when she was planning on responding to your divorce?


She has 30 days from the day she was served.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy

She's no doubt hoping mad at you for pumping, dumping, and telling

Of course OM is gonna be Whiny and hurt and not trusting her now. Which is going to make him seem needy and weak.

You da man!

You don't always pump and dump, but when you do, you really do it nicely.,


----------



## Madman1

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/64959-she-cheated-wow.html

Hey Mad6r,
I just read this thread and thought you might like to read it.
His wife cheated for I think 9 months then left him. 

She admitted to the affair and he moved on. When he found a cute redhead Irish girl his stbx was devastated and wanted to reconcile. He agreed and he broke it off with Irish. 

They reconnected in an *amazing* way for a short time, then she stopped putting in the effort and he remembered that she was a nutcase to start with and their marriage was not that good to begin with.(amazing how the BS portrays the relationship as wonderful in the beginning of the thread but the cracks show later)

Posters were warning him that he would go through the stages of grief (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance) and that trying to reconcile would be more drawn out pain than the affair itself, its like committing hari kari (i.e. cutting your belly open with a katana.)

That about 6 months out he would experience pain and anger like he has never known.

Well long story short, he began to wonder WHY is he putting himself through this for someone who did what she did, WHY deal with this FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE.

Anyway here are some quotes from it that follow the basic process he went through to the point he decided to pull the plug. 

It an ongoing story but I think this last turn will stick for now.



The-Deceived; said:


> I believe she is genuine and remorseful, and has left that all behind. I've known her 15 years...I guess that means sweet f*ck all, being as she cheated. *But she's back - back to herself.*
> *She's putting in the work*. I'll keep a close eye on things. She knows this is her one and only chance. *No question - our marriage was extremely broken, and she has a lot of deep seeded emotional problems*.





The-Deceived; said:


> Getting out there and picking up women was good for me. It showed me how confident I am and that I have no problem getting hot pus*y. Until she begged me to fight for us, I was going to happily continue being a player. And if she ****s with me again, that's right back where I'll be. And I'll enjoy every ****en minute of it. I had 5 different women going on within 2 weeks of separating. Only slept with the 1 - but it was early days.
> Thanks Truck man! Me going out and dating totally changed her view of me. And me of myself.
> She said as painful as it is for her, me sleeping with Irish was necessary for us to R. .





The-Deceived; said:


> I am so angry about the danger she has put us in. Unprotected sex with a slimy doucheb*g then letting me f*ck her. .





The-Deceived said:


> You are right - I cannot fix her. And I don't want to.





The-Deceived said:


> I don't think I can ever be happy in this marriage knowing what she did either. It's just too much. I would just be tolerating it at best. What kind of life is that?





The-Deceived said:


> She feels me slipping away. She wants me to make an app for MC. Why? What good would that do? Make me forget? Make me think it's wasn't all that bad? Convince me to forgive? I don't want to forgive. She threw me and my children in the toilet and flushed us down. Why would I want to forgive her? Why would I want to devote my life to someone who did this to us???





The-Deceived said:


> Yes - I am looking forward to chapter 2. I really hope she can take care of herself so she can be a good mom to my kids.
> I am relieved, while in mourning for the loss of my family unit. But I have made my decision, and it's the right one.
> I see her for who she really is, and I do not want to be married to her any more. I tried. It's time to move on.Cheers bro.





The-Deceived said:


> She just texted me "I love you". Right. If you love someone you don't cheat on them for 6 months with a gutter rat and potentially expose them to STD's. You don't throw your husband and children away if you "love" the husband.
> She is so f'ed up. I feel absolute nothing for her.
> I think the reality is sinking in for her. She burned down our life and now she has to face the consequences.





The-Deceived said:


> I no longer wish to reconcile. I am done.





The-Deceived; said:


> The past couple days have been much better for me. I am able to kybosh the mind movies and the pain, because it is fading, as my feelings for her are. They less I care about her, the easier this becomes. There's still a LONG road and lots of ups and downs. But I woke up happy and excited about life today.
> 
> My folks keep telling me how amazing it's going to be when I find a good woman. They are really excited for me. To live life again...not live life appeasing stbxww, never doing anything for fear of making her think I was cheating (when SHE was - unreal).
> 
> The anger is melting away as well - because I'm not with her. I can't change what happened, I can only look to the future. A future without her as my wife.
> .


Take it for what it is worth brother, you deserve better!


----------



## dogman

You know, that's what I love about this forum, people will go to great lengths to help each other. 

A post like the one by madman1 takes time and thought. 

Good job.


----------



## mad6r

Thanks Madman, very eye opening. I too wonder why I'm putting myself through this. Hard to explain really, and It could be the case of the "Oneitis". I spoke with her last night but she's just angry at the fact that I told OM what we did, I know deep down she does love me too! I asked her even though I knew what the answer would be to choose between OM or me. She did not say me! 

So I have to move on and stop looking back, spending time with my boys and friends is all I will do from now on. NC at all from now on unless its kids or finances. I have anxiety again but not as bad as before and it seems when I'm busy it stays put. Going to church gives me a calmness I cant explain and all I ask for now is for my heart to be at peace and for the strength to provide my boys what they need.

Telling OM may have been the wrong thing to do but it puts the idea in him of what she's capable of. As for me, fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me right? I dont wish bad things on her because she's still the mother of my children. The drama stops and hopefully I have the balls to say no if she ever comes crying back!


----------



## Jasel

mad6r said:


> Thanks Madman, very eye opening. I too wonder why I'm putting myself through this. Hard to explain really, and It could be the case of the "Oneitis". I spoke with her last night but she's just angry at the fact that I told OM what we did, I know deep down she does love me too! I asked her even though I knew what the answer would be to choose between OM or me. She did not say me!
> 
> So I have to move on and stop looking back, spending time with my boys and friends is all I will do from now on. NC at all from now on unless its kids or finances. I have anxiety again but not as bad as before and it seems when I'm busy it stays put. Going to church gives me a calmness I cant explain and all I ask for now is for my heart to be at peace and for the strength to provide my boys what they need.
> 
> Telling OM may have been the wrong thing to do but it puts the idea in him of what she's capable of. As for me, fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me right? I dont wish bad things on her because she's still the mother of my children. The drama stops and hopefully I have the balls to say no if she ever comes crying back!


Ya I was about to say you really need to stop talking to her and on top of that discussing each other's feelings. Back to NC is the right move.


----------



## turnera

mad6r said:


> hopefully I have the balls to say no if she ever comes crying back!


 Just think of her in incriminating positions with the OM...


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Madman1 said:


> (amazing how the BS portrays the relationship as wonderful in the beginning of the thread but the cracks show later)


Don't forget, how the BS is ALWAYS neglectful and screwing up.


----------



## walkonmars

I think your attitude now, or what you want your attitude to be is the only way to go. Sure, she will always be the mother of your children. She may even be a decent mom. But she really harmed them too. 

She (not you, don't even think it's you) made their reality and future as children from a single parent household. They will do well as long as you continue to support and love them. They are worthy of your love. 

Your stbxw has evaluated you and your relationship and places little or no value in either. She places more value in the OM and that relationship. This is spite, or because of, your history together. 

So, press forward. You will come out okay as long as you live in the here and now rather than in the past or a wistful future.


----------



## mad6r

walkonmars said:


> I think your attitude now, or what you want your attitude to be is the only way to go. Sure, she will always be the mother of your children. She may even be a decent mom. But she really harmed them too.
> 
> She (not you, don't even think it's you) made their reality and future as children from a single parent household. They will do well as long as you continue to support and love them. They are worthy of your love.
> 
> Your stbxw has evaluated you and your relationship and places little or no value in either. She places more value in the OM and that relationship. This is spite, or because of, your history together.
> 
> So, press forward. You will come out okay as long as you live in the here and now rather than in the past or a wistful future.


Thank you WOM! and everyone else for the encouragement, the honest replies and the advice received here on TAM is priceless and I will take it to heart. The men's retreat I went to was about "Courage" and the last point made was to have the courage to "Stand Alone"! 

I have the courage now knowing I am not alone! I have my boys first and foremost, I have my Family who in spite of my shortcomings and attitude at times have always been there for me. I have great friends who are there for me more now than ever before. And I have a new family of brethren in TAM and everyone who entered my life story and shared their honest opinions and harsh criticisms. I take no offense from anyone giving it to me straight.


----------



## turnera

I will tell you this. Of all the men I've seen on these forums who ended up divorcing, every single one who came back to update said it was the best decision, they were sorry they waited so long, and their lives are pretty great now and they're having fun dating.


----------



## weightlifter

turnera said:


> I will tell you this. Of all the men I've seen on these forums who ended up divorcing, every single one who came back to update said it was the best decision, they were sorry they waited so long, and their lives are pretty great now and they're having fun dating.


Tunera is right D is right for sure for you. I am not kidding when I say in the long run the new Mrs Mad ***IS*** out there. IT will be a while before you meet her as you are not close to ready and need to fully detach from defective wife version 1.0. Since men tend to date strongly younger for spouse2 you have PLENTY of time. Enjoy the ride. Perhaps a few more 26 year olds and house parties...

keep us updated


----------



## mad6r

:scratchhead:


weightlifter said:


> Tunera is right D is right for sure for you. I am not kidding when I say in the long run the new Mrs Mad ***IS*** out there. IT will be a while before you meet her as you are not close to ready and need to fully detach from defective wife version 1.0. Since men tend to date strongly younger for spouse2 you have PLENTY of time. Enjoy the ride. Perhaps a few more 26 year olds and house parties...
> 
> keep us updated


Day 2 of NC and I'm feeling it again! I'm trying not to care about what she does or where she goes but now I now it's different this time. I'm a little bit depressed and I think POSOM is keeping a closer eye on her now and making her go NC as well. She has not been at her mom's in the morning's when I drop off the little one so I'm assuming she's been staying with him. In a way it's good that I don't see her but I have this need to see and talk to her. WHY?

The good thing is I have kept myself from calling her at all in the past 2 days but shiat I want to. Hitting the gym again tonight and for some reason I am down another 3lbs. I weight 173lbs! I hit 171 in 2005 just from riding my bike but never worked out at the gym at all. Now I look in the mirror and my arms look like I'm on steroids! 

How do I stop thinking about her? It's really driving me nuts again! :scratchhead:


----------



## walkonmars

mad6r said:


> :scratchhead:
> How do I stop thinking about her? It's really driving me nuts again! :scratchhead:


try this:



turnera said:


> Just think of her in incriminating positions with the OM...


----------



## Jasel

Trying not to think about something is thinking about it.

You need something to help replace your wife in your head. I'd suggest you date, even if it's just casually. And keep up the NC.


----------



## terrence4159

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: and in case you missed it :iagree:

to decorums


----------



## TDSC60

mad6r said:


> :scratchhead:
> 
> How do I stop thinking about her? It's really driving me nuts again! :scratchhead:


It is hard but it is worth it to go NC.

Your going to a gym and that is good.

Take your kids to a park, to a movie, a putt-putt course, anywhere you can concentrate on having a good time WITHOUT HER.

Go dancing at a club. Pick the hottest woman you can see and dance with them. It is way too early to get into serious dating, but a little friendly female company with not hurt you.


----------



## AlphaHalf

The fact that you have to brag to the OM about F#$%ing your lawful wife, to make him "upset" is a loss within a loss. He has actually Mind F#$%ed you. 

Don't touch that so called woman again, she is mentally diseased.


----------



## workindad

With time, it got easier for me to stop thinking about my XW. She showed no remorse and seemed to do her best to show me how much she was enjoying herself. That lasted for a while then the tables turned. 

Good luck- hang in there. It really does improve.

WD


----------



## mad6r

I seem to do better when not at work, the monotony drives me insane. I do spend a lot of time reading at work these days so that helps.NC NC NC.. on a good note, I got a promotion and will be transferring at the end of the month, more work more money! Plus I found a roomate willing to take me and my boys in in a couple of months. Best news since she left!


----------



## tom67

mad6r said:


> I seem to do better when not at work, the monotony drives me insane. I do spend a lot of time reading at work these days so that helps.NC NC NC.. on a good note, I got a promotion and will be transferring at the end of the month, more work more money! Plus I found a roomate willing to take me and my boys in in a couple of months. Best news since she left!


:smthumbup:


----------



## weightlifter

workindad said:


> With time, it got easier for me to stop thinking about my XW. She showed no remorse and seemed to do her best to show me how much she was enjoying herself. That lasted for a while then the tables turned.
> 
> Good luck- hang in there. It really does improve.
> 
> WD


Could you expand upon "when the tables turned"


----------



## Decorum

BTW I know banging the wife an calling the other man brought you some criticism, and while I do think it would make it harder on you (or anybody), I like the concept, it put a Trojan into their relationship that will pop in distrust and resentment later.

Yes yes yes pun intended.

She thinks she is a beauty queen being desired by multiple men.

Eventually you will realize that she has killed your love for her, you will only pity her, and realize indifference!

This is a defect in her, a time bomb whose day has come. She has blown up her own character and inebriated her conscience with the affair drug, and now needs more and more of the drug to get hgh.

Happyness will elude her.

"But she who gives herself to wanton pleasure is dead even while she lives." 1 timothy 5:6 Count on this!


You should get out socially, not dating but yes with available woman too, you need to see a future for yourself.

Maybe a book club or study of some kind, a single adults get together at church etc.

Faith before feeling, action before understanding, think about it, step out of the boat!

Take care!


----------



## workindad

weightlifter said:


> Could you expand upon "when the tables turned"


Sure, **no thread jack intended** she blew threw her part of the initial settlement (the cash) had to sell the new car and get a used one, *had to get a job*, had to get a place to live that was within her means. After a small taste of getting up and going to work every day- she wanted to get back together with me. I refused and am dating someone else. She told me she knew I would say no and that I was being selfish and it was my fault that our children had to suffer because my ego couldn't accept what had happened. I told her if she had kept her pants on while I was at work that this would have been a non issue. I also offered to take the kids full time if they are suffering. 

XW also said I purposely picked a younger woman to date to get back at her. She accused me of using GF to punish her. That was not done on purpose- the new GF is only 4 years younger. 

Honestly, I'm happy again and moving forward. XW has asked a few more times about us starting over. I have no interest in going down that road again. When we first separated she told she would replace me with a better man who could provide the lifestyle she wanted- instead she now works an actual job - imagine the horror.


----------



## bfree

workindad said:


> Sure, **no thread jack intended** she blew threw her part of the initial settlement (the cash) had to sell the new car and get a used one, *had to get a job*, had to get a place to live that was within her means. After a small taste of getting up and going to work every day- she wanted to get back together with me. I refused and am dating someone else. She told me she knew I would say no and that I was being selfish and it was my fault that our children had to suffer because my ego couldn't accept what had happened. I told her if she had kept her pants on while I was at work that this would have been a non issue. I also offered to take the kids full time if they are suffering.
> 
> XW also said I purposely picked a younger woman to date to get back at her. She accused me of using GF to punish her. That was not done on purpose- the new GF is only 4 years younger.
> 
> Honestly, I'm happy again and moving forward. XW has asked a few more times about us starting over. I have no interest in going down that road again. When we first separated she told she would replace me with a better man who could provide the lifestyle she wanted- instead she now works an actual job - imagine the horror.


Contrary to what the media continues to claim, what you describe is the reality for most women when they divorce. Movies like _Eat, Pray, Love_ and _How Stella Got Her Groove Back_ have brainwashed these women into thinking they're going to find a better, richer, younger guy to support them and love them. What they often find is that most guys don't want them other than for a weekend fling or FWB arrangement. Guys their age are looking for younger women and even older guys don't want recycled ego trips. For the sake of these women I wish people would just tell the truth and let them know that there is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. In fact there won't be a rainbow at all....only rain.


----------



## mad6r

Decorum said:


> BTW I know banging the wife an calling the other man brought you some criticism, and while I do think it would make it harder on you (or anybody), I like the concept, it put a Trojan into their relationship that will pop in distrust and resentment later.
> 
> Yes yes yes pun intended.
> 
> She thinks she is a beauty queen being desired by multiple men.
> 
> Eventually you will realize that she has killed your love for her, you will only pity her, and realize indifference!
> 
> This is a defect in her, a time bomb whose day has come. She has blown up her own character and inebriated her conscience with the affair drug, and now needs more and more of the drug to get hgh.
> 
> Happyness will elude her.
> 
> "But she who gives herself to wanton pleasure is dead even while she lives." 1 timothy 5:6 Count on this!
> 
> 
> You should get out socially, not dating but yes with available woman too, you need to see a future for yourself.
> 
> Maybe a book club or study of some kind, a single adults get together at church etc.
> 
> Faith before feeling, action before understanding, think about it, step out of the boat!
> 
> Take care!


Well she is very angry at me for what I did! So I assume he did say something about it and wasn't too happy. Too bad! 
Makes me feel better and I can now move on. D is gonna be fun for me! I can't go any lower than what she already did so whatever
I get is just a bonus. She still thinks I'm gonna give her my car and she's gonna give me hers. Yeah right!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy

Dude, you are the OM and he hates that she cheated on him.


----------



## tom67

Shaggy said:


> Dude, you are the OM and he hates that she cheated on him.


:iagree::rofl::rofl:ironic isn't it!


----------



## weightlifter

workindad said:


> .
> 
> XW also said I purposely picked a younger woman to date to get back at her. She accused me of using GF to punish her. That was not done on purpose- the new GF is only 4 ...


I sincerely hope you did not deny your gf being younger than her was a nice bonus. Success is the best revenge.

Mad. Did you ever figure out roughly when it went from ea to pa? I remember early you thought it was only ea...


----------



## mad6r

weightlifter said:


> I sincerely hope you did not deny your gf being younger than her was a nice bonus. Success is the best revenge.
> 
> Mad. Did you ever figure out roughly when it went from ea to pa? I remember early you thought it was only ea...


She still says only after she left me, but I can't believe anything that comes out of her trap!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## weightlifter

So the damning texts provided no clarity when it went pa... Ok. 

Hope your good days are overtaking your bad days. Heal up and keep working on yourself. We are pulling for you.


----------



## mad6r

weightlifter said:


> So the damning texts provided no clarity when it went pa... Ok.
> 
> Hope your good days are overtaking your bad days. Heal up and keep working on yourself. We are pulling for you.


I'm sure It didn't take more than a couple weeks after she left!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3putt

mad6r said:


> I'm sure It didn't take more than a couple weeks after she left!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's still adultery. Saying it didn't happen until she "left" doesn't negate that legal and moral fact. She's still a married woman. 

Period.

Typical wayward garbage spewing.


----------



## mad6r

3putt said:


> It's still adultery. Saying it didn't happen until she "left" doesn't negate that legal and moral fact. She's still a married woman.
> 
> Period.
> 
> Typical wayward garbage spewing.


Try telling her that! She still doesn't think she cheated!


----------



## LostAndContent

mad6r said:


> Try telling her that! She still doesn't think she cheated!


She'll never admit it, even to herself. Even if it went PA before she left it won't be "cheating" to her because the marriage was already over in her mind. Once a woman decides she doesn't want to be with you (apologies for stereotyping) you cease to be human in her mind, and she doesn't really even understand that she needs to tell you its over for it to be over.


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## livinfree

LostAndContent said:


> She'll never admit it, even to herself. Even if it went PA before she left it won't be "cheating" to her because the marriage was already over in her mind. *Once a woman decides she doesn't want to be with you (apologies for stereotyping) you cease to be human in her mind, and she doesn't really even understand that she needs to tell you its over for it to be over.*


So _*VERY*_ true and very important for a man to understand.

And that is why the betrayed is so doomed if the other man reciprocates.


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## mad6r

Well it happened! I had to break NC last night because my 16 year old was pissazz drunk! I was worried I would have to take him to ER for stomach pump. Hes 5"10 and about 145lbs. He ended up drinking an entire bottle of vodka in a matter of a couple of hours. I keep pretty good tabs on where and who he's with so I know when something is not right or when he lies to me. He was not home when I got home and I had to call his friends to find out where he was. I'm not sure if this is the beginning of this or if I can stop it right now. When I asked him why he did this he said its because of everything that is going on right now.

I know I cant watch him 24/7 and I did the same thing at his age but my parents were not divorced. Even the little one starts acting up by saying he wants to live with mom when I take his stuff away for acting up or giving me attitude.

The 16 year old misses mom period! But I can't say anything to her because everything turns into a fight and she will not take blame for any of this. He knows I am here for him and all I can do at the moment is be his dad and be there for support. This svcks!


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## turnera

What do you and S16 do together? Are you building anything? Fixing anything? Joining a club together? A teenage boy in GOOD circumstances needs to ACCOMPLISH something to feel good about himself. In your circumstance, he especially needs something to be proud about. Find something you can do together.


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## mad6r

turnera said:


> What do you and S16 do together? Are you building anything? Fixing anything? Joining a club together? A teenage boy in GOOD circumstances needs to ACCOMPLISH something to feel good about himself. In your circumstance, he especially needs something to be proud about. Find something you can do together.


He is on his HS swim team and water polo team now and we spend time together a lot but he needs his mom. Sad part is I have to keep reminding her when was the last time she saw him and it's usually for a few minutes. I have been picking up her slack with him by taking him to park to play basketball and we recently started working out together at home.

I dont know if the move I have planned in a couple of months is gonna do him good or bad. New city but same school since I will have to drive him every morning. I dont want to switch him HS at this point in his JR year.


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## walkonmars

What did your wife have to say about this episode with HER son? 
Blamed it on you? 

You need to schedule extra IC for both kids. Keep track of the time they spend in IC. Keep a log of the time she spends with them.


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## mad6r

walkonmars said:


> What did your wife have to say about this episode with HER son?
> Blamed it on you?
> 
> You need to schedule extra IC for both kids. Keep track of the time they spend in IC. Keep a log of the time she spends with them.


She didn't blame me but would not take any of it either. I have scheduled IC for them and I have a log that goes back to the day she left. I write in it everyday as my personal journal and for their visits with her.

I have to say I am starting to detach from her a lot easier now for some reason, I can't stand the sight of her anymore! My focus is my boys now and will do anything and everything I need to do for them.


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## walkonmars

mad6r said:


> She didn't blame me* but would not take any of it either.* I have scheduled IC for them and I have a log that goes back to the day she left. I write in it everyday as my personal journal and for their visits with her.
> 
> I have to say I am starting to detach from her a lot easier now for some reason, I can't stand the sight of her anymore! My focus is my boys now and will do anything and everything I need to do for them.


Of course she didn't take any blame. She's teflon-coated. No blame will ever fall to her. 

Continue to be in control of your life and be the guiding light your kids need. Please don't let the younger one play you against your wife because of discipline. Here is where you earn your parenting stripes. 

Applying discipline is a job that remains thankless until your children mature. It's here where their character is being shaped. Your challenge is to help shape the character by showing yours.


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## Acabado

mad6r said:


> The 16 year old misses mom period! But I can't say anything to her because everything turns into a fight and she will not take blame for any of this. * He knows I am here for him and all I can do at the moment is be his dad and be there for support*. This svcks!


This.
Sorry man. It s0cks tons.

Edited to add


> I have to say I am starting to detach from her a lot easier now for some reason, I can't stand the sight of her anymore! My focus is my boys now and will do anything and everything I need to do for them.


This is great.

Hanging there, man.


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## mad6r

Hey guys, I just wanted to let you know that I wont be able to get on as much as before. Today is my last day at this position and on Monday I start my promotion in another department that has no internet access at all. I will be on my phone mostly but less frequently.

My new position will keep me busier than before so that is a positive. I have not spoken to stbxw since 3/12 and I have to say I do NOT miss her anymore.

I will keep you guys updated on D and the kids, as for me I am doing a whole hell of a lot better and have been having some great conversations with other women without the sex for now of course.
I no longer have a need for my WS and honestly cannot stand to even look at her. Good thing she doesn't live with her mom anymore, and I dont care really where she is because it doesn't bother me anymore.

I appreciated everyones advice and criticisms and again no offense taken!


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## bandit.45

Good luck brother. Congrats on your promotion. Stay strong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars

mad6r said:


> Hey guys, I just wanted to let you know that I wont be able to get on as much as before. Today is my last day at this position and on Monday I start my promotion in another department that has no internet access at all. I will be on my phone mostly but less frequently.
> 
> My new position will keep me busier than before so that is a positive. I have not spoken to stbxw since 3/12 and I have to say I do NOT miss her anymore.
> 
> I will keep you guys updated on D and the kids, as for me I am doing a whole hell of a lot better and have been having some great conversations with other women without the sex for now of course.
> I no longer have a need for my WS and honestly cannot stand to even look at her. Good thing she doesn't live with her mom anymore, and I dont care really where she is because it doesn't bother me anymore.
> 
> I appreciated everyones advice and criticisms and again no offense taken!


Great! Keep focused. As for your new job - knock their socks off with your awesomeness!


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## verpin zal

I was gonna say "Well then, serve the papers in such way that she won't think she's actually getting a divorce" but apparently a bit late for that, 23 pages late. Already handled nicely on your end.

Anyway, sorry for what you're going through. Hang in there.


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## Jasel

Good luck with the new promotion!


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## workindad

Best wishes with the new promotion. There will probably be a learning curve with the new job and that will give your mind something to focus on besides WW and D proceedings... not a bad thing at all.

Stay strong, it does get better.
WD


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## MattMatt

Congratulations on your new job.


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## weightlifter

So what percent of former pay you up to with promotion?


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## reubsky

just think about yourself no her not worth at all


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## mad6r

Hey guys, I am living the life I deserve to live right now. Started dating and I gotta say it feels good to have someone who actually cares about me for once. She's 4 years younger and great body and gorgeous! Nothing serious yet but we'll see.

WS has yet to respond to my divorce papers but I'm not worried since my lawyer said we can just get a no contested divorce. Makes things easier on my end. My boys are doing great and they are spending more time with their mother which is good for them.

I had a birthday party a couple weeks ago and it was awesome! lots of friends came and it lasted til 4:30 am . Got drunk and met some new single girls in the process. I am no longer calling or texting the stbxw and I dont even answer her texts unless they are in regard to kids or finances. 

I will keep you updated on anything new.


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## tom67

mad6r said:


> Hey guys, I am living the life I deserve to live right now. Started dating and I gotta say it feels good to have someone who actually cares about me for once. She's 4 years younger and great body and gorgeous! Nothing serious yet but we'll see.
> 
> WS has yet to respond to my divorce papers but I'm not worried since my lawyer said we can just get a no contested divorce. Makes things easier on my end. My boys are doing great and they are spending more time with their mother which is good for them.
> 
> I had a birthday party a couple weeks ago and it was awesome! lots of friends came and it lasted til 4:30 am . Got drunk and met some new single girls in the process. I am no longer calling or texting the stbxw and I dont even answer her texts unless they are in regard to kids or finances.
> 
> I will keep you updated on anything new.


Great news:smthumbup:


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## GROUNDPOUNDER

mad6r said:


> Hey guys, I am living the life I deserve to live right now. Started dating and I gotta say it feels good to have someone who actually cares about me for once. She's 4 years younger and great body and gorgeous! Nothing serious yet but we'll see.
> 
> WS has yet to respond to my divorce papers but I'm not worried since my lawyer said we can just get a no contested divorce. Makes things easier on my end. My boys are doing great and they are spending more time with their mother which is good for them.
> 
> I had a birthday party a couple weeks ago and it was awesome! lots of friends came and it lasted til 4:30 am . Got drunk and met some new single girls in the process. I am no longer calling or texting the stbxw and I dont even answer her texts unless they are in regard to kids or finances.
> 
> I will keep you updated on anything new.


:smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## livinfree

mad6r: Kintsugi (The Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with gold.)

We, as the betrayed, have golden hearts brother.


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## weightlifter

You have done well grasshopper...

Ya know your thread is the one post where I STILL wonder. Was it a PA before or after the confrontation. I guess we will never know.

3 months out and you get to look into her eyes and see...

Only eyes that are happy to see you. No big lies, no betrayal, just eyes happy to see yours.


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## LongWalk

Amazing story


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## weightlifter

Mad 6 is back on occasion.


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## mad6r

Hey guys, been a while.

I am happy to say things are still going good with me and my boys, and stbxw snapped out of her fog with POSOM. She admitted to me that he never treated her the same after I had told him about what we did that weekend so she ended it with him, so she says. Karma!

I'm still seeing same girl I met at my party, nothing serious just enjoying each others company for the time being. We are actually going on a short 4 night trip to Cancun next month. First vacation in over 10 years. She makes me happy and I make her happy.

My boys are still my priority and we still go to church on the weekends they are with me. We've gotten closer but still struggle at times without mom around. She fights every chance she gets and all I can do is smile. She has seen a picture of the other girl and she dont like. Tough cookies!!! She does not want to help with finances unless she pays directly herself or buys stuff herself for the kids. I dont mind, but she thinks if she gives me money that I would use it on other girl. LMAO.

Anyways, I will keep you posted on D and any changes. I still struggle with being a single dad but my boys appreciate what I do for them. We have Dodgers tickets for Friday fireworks night, just me and the boys.

be back soon.


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## tom67

mad6r said:


> Hey guys, been a while.
> 
> I am happy to say things are still going good with me and my boys, and stbxw snapped out of her fog with POSOM. She admitted to me that he never treated her the same after I had told him about what we did that weekend so she ended it with him, so she says. Karma!
> 
> I'm still seeing same girl I met at my party, nothing serious just enjoying each others company for the time being. We are actually going on a short 4 night trip to Cancun next month. First vacation in over 10 years. She makes me happy and I make her happy.
> 
> My boys are still my priority and we still go to church on the weekends they are with me. We've gotten closer but still struggle at times without mom around. She fights every chance she gets and all I can do is smile. She has seen a picture of the other girl and she dont like. Tough cookies!!! She does not want to help with finances unless she pays directly herself or buys stuff herself for the kids. I dont mind, but she thinks if she gives me money that I would use it on other girl. LMAO.
> 
> Anyways, I will keep you posted on D and any changes. I still struggle with being a single dad but my boys appreciate what I do for them. We have Dodgers tickets for Friday fireworks night, just me and the boys.
> 
> be back soon.


Great news! I got wsox tickets for saturday's game and taking d, my dad it's all good. So she's jealous too funny:rofl::rofl:


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## BobSimmons

Nice!


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## Chris989

Thanks for the update. Good to hear you are moving on.


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## workindad

Nice update stay focused on finishing the divorce. 

I am a Pirates fan. Hard to admit with their performance over the last 20 years but I have hopes for a winning season this year. 

Enjoy the ball game
Good luck
Wd
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weightlifter

Good to hear from you Mad6!

Has she ever answered yet whether it went physical before that separation or when PA really started? Yea even now that one has me wondering.

LOVE the story. She saw a pic of the other girl and got jealous!

Success IS THE BEST REVENGE!


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## dusty4

mad6r said:


> Hey guys, I am living the life I deserve to live right now. Started dating and I gotta say it feels good to have someone who actually cares about me for once. She's 4 years younger and great body and gorgeous! Nothing serious yet but we'll see.


F'in A my man. Enjoy. Does feel good to be with someone that won't F you over doesn't it? Of course its never a guarantee that anyone new won't, but hey, innocent until proven guilty.

But also don't get hung up on looks. Make sure she has a good heart.

Good luck and have fun with your exciting new life!


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## weightlifter

How was the vacation Mad6?


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## LongWalk

alte Dame said:


> It would be fascinating if it weren't so painful. I think there must be a protective mental element that literally masks the obvious so that we can deal with the hurt. Perhaps it parcels out the realization a bit at a time so that we can manage the pain. I don't know - the script is simply too predictable to not have some biological meaning.
> 
> I hope OP uncovers the truth for himself sooner rather than later.


Good observation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mad6r

Hello everyone..I haven't been on here in a while. It's coming up on one year since my wws left. I've had my ups and downs lately especially with the holidays. I will back track a little bit, I had met a new girl in March and was with her about 4 months until she said she needed more time from me. I told her that my children are my number one priority right now and I couldn't give her what she needed or maybe I didn't want to. I know I was still hurting from my separation and maybe that's what led to it. We still managed to go on vacation together since we had already paid for everything and decided to just go as friends. What happened when my wws found out was priceless. She gave me so much grief for going on a vacation not because of the money but because it was with someone else. She says I never took her anywhere.. I still go to counseling and even invited my wws to come, that did not go well. She keeps throwing the other girl in my face because she said she tried to come back to me. As the time went by I still wanted to work things out but she still kept lying to me about certain things. She's was still seeing POSOM in August, and I don't know for sure if she still is or not. It's hard to let go and I know I need to do that for my own sanity. There is no way I can be with anyone at the moment because I can't give anyone the time they need and deserve. I'm still hurting and the only thing that keeps me going are my two boys. January 1st is the day she left last year, hopefully I can get through it okay. Why I still love her is beyond me and as much as I want to take her back I don't know if I can ever trust her. We speak almost everyday because of the children and there is no way around that. The boys have struggled this past year in school and began acting out. Our divorce is still pending because we both have reservations about it. I only asked for her to provide for the children and nothing else. Time is all I have right now and I just keep myself busy with work, gym, friends and my boys.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris989

Thanks for the update.

Keep going; you'll get there in the end. You won't even realise when you have, because you won't be thinking about "it" any more. 

You'll go through a day and realise you haven't gotten down about it and that's when you will have "made it". It will happen. Just give it time.


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## LostViking

mad6r said:


> What happened when my wws found out was priceless. She gave me so much grief for going on a vacation not because of the money but* because it was with someone else.* She says I never took her anywhere.. I still go to counseling and even invited my wws to come, that did not go well. She keeps throwing the other girl in my face because she said she tried to come back to me. As the time went by I still wanted to work things out but *she still kept lying to me about certain things. She's was still seeing POSOM in August*, and I don't know for sure if she still is or not. It's hard to let go and I know I need to do that for my own sanity. There is no way I can be with anyone at the moment because I can't give anyone the time they need and deserve. I'm still hurting and the only thing that keeps me going are my two boys. January 1st is the day she left last year, hopefully I can get through it okay. Why I still love her is beyond me and as much as I want to take her back I don't know if I can ever trust her. We speak almost everyday because of the children and there is no way around that. The boys have struggled this past year in school and began acting out. Our divorce is still pending because we both have reservations about it. I only asked for her to provide for the children and nothing else. Time is all I have right now and I just keep myself busy with work, gym, friends and my boys.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your STBXWW has to be one of the most entitled beotches that has ever come down the pike. She continues carrying on with her OM and gets mad because you go on a platonic vacation with another woman? 

Give me a break. :rofl: Get that D friend. This woman is not worth keeping around or even thinking about.


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## illwill

Time is not your friend.


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## weightlifter

mad6r said:


> She gave me so much grief for going on a vacation not because of the money but because it was with someone else.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Uh... Not many words for that one. Lessee........ You are having sex with another dude that is the REASON we broke up and you have a problem with me getting some?!?

uh what!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hint: KEEP GETTING SOME. Keep that circle of FWB until your heart is healed enough for something with longer term possibilities.

Good to hear from one of the old crowd. Stop by and update like this once in a while.

WL


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## weightlifter

Merry Christmas Mad6. Hoping this is your year.


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## LongWalk

Painful to read.

She wants to reconcile but won't stop lying. Does she trickle truth or stonewall?

You are subject to ther righteous indignation over your infidelity. That is galling. What does MC tell her?


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## LongWalk

mad6r said:


> Thanks happyman,
> I got the closure I needed tonight and saw it with my own eyes. When I picked up the little one I asked her to talk outside with me for a second about our finances and what the plan was. Well it took no longer than 2 minutes before she went off on me again and I had noticed she wasnt in her pjs but she had jeans and sandals with a nice blouse (not her work clothes btw). She was rushing to go somewhere so she picked a fight. As I was leaving she looked out the window to see if I had left so I went around the block and parked for a few minutes within viewing distance of her car. 2 minutes later she leaves like a bat outta hell and I mean she floors it! I followed her and I immediately knew where she was going, to the OM house! I followed and waited until she was inside. I knocked on the door like 3 times and it took like 2 minutes for OM to answer door. First time face to face! this guy acted tough on the phone but was a ***** at the door. My wife came out another minute later and she had a stupid look of oh shiat on her face. This was my closure, she was stringing me along and tomorrow I file for D! Full custody, child support and vaginamoney! EFFFF her!!! he can have her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


This was a day of action.


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## Singledude21

So its cool to do her dirt, but all hell breaks loose when you play her game. Time to get that divorce with the quickness my friend.

"How dare he actually move on and do things without me, the royal highness?!"


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## Decorum

Hope things go well for you mad6r, and you get yourself sorted out.

At the very least 1 year is only half way there  (First holidays, birthdays etc)

Your making good choices, move on (i.e. heal) as you can.

Take care!


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## LongWalk

How's it going Mad?


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## weightlifter

I still wonder if this one was a PA at first. We will likely never know.


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## LongWalk

Probably it was. The point is that she was certainly in an EA. His WW might not be a completely horrible person but she genuinely was confused, trying to choose between two men. What man can accept being treated like that?

Her inability to be a good mother after the split hurt the two sons. The eldest boy was on the swim team. Hope he managed to channel his sadness into that.

If they R, he is going have hold her together because she's all over the place, acting on impulse.

If there were a list the best of TAM, this thread would be one.


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