# Is it wrong to leave an "okay" marriage?



## Confused99 (Jul 29, 2010)

He has a job...the bills are paid...he doesn't cheat on me...doesn't call me names...doesn't curse at me..no physical violence...he gets me off (in bed-sorry for the word choice)...he goes to counseling and wants to work on our relationship...etc etc. 

...BUT (you had to have known that was coming)...I'm just not happy. I have a special bond with him- we dated in high school, we've been married- he's obviously more than just some random guy on the street to me...but I'm not nor do I ever think I've been in love with him. As much as he "tries" for this marriage...it's just not enough and I feel guilty saying that but it's true. He does many things right that I'm sure plenty of women would be ecstatic about, but that doesn't mean it's what I want. There are a lot of things wrong that are things I just don't know if I can live with. We just had a mini-separation (I went back to my parents' house) and I was really happy! Then I came back here and I feel myself sinking right back into depression...

I just want to throw my marriage away...it's tiring to always be (as my username points out) confused! All year we've been going to couples classes & counseling and I've been thinking over and over should i stay should i leave...this year has basically been wasted speculating over this marriage! 

It's not the worst thing in the world...but I'm not in love...and I'm only "okay"...


Thoughts?


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## CalifGuy (Nov 2, 2011)

Do him a favor and leave...while he will be crushed, he deserves better than you. You are reprehensible for marrying a man whom you have, by your own admission, never loved.

Perhaps karma will come through and you will find yourself in an opposite situation where you fall deeply in love with a new man and he doesn't love you back but marries you anyway, only to then leave you.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

what do you feel is the reason you are not in love with? 
try something: imagine what kind of person you would fall instantly in love with. fantasize about a fictional MR perfect, get a good picture in your head. once you have done that, give him your husbands face, and leave him with all of his perfect attributes. 

now, what is different between this perfect man for you and your husband? this is a good way to tell what the "why" is for you not feeling that you are "in love" with him. something is missing, and before you give up on finding that love and passion, you should identify what it is. send your husband here. it may well be that he is a nice guy and is not coming accross as attractive. he may need to implement the "180" and "man up". certainly do not give up on him yet.

what are the issues that you feel you cannot get over?


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

to answere the question, i believe it is wrong to leave any marriage where your partner is willing to work on the marriage.

unless of course you aren't.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

I think CalifGuy's comment is too harsh. You aren't a bad person feeling like this. In fact you are strong to admit that you feel like this. 

Do you truly believe that there is no love in the marriage? and that you aren't in love? Maybe you just need to spice up the marriage and get away together to work on your marriage?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What needs of yours is he not meeting?


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Confused99 said:


> He has a job...the bills are paid...he doesn't cheat on me...doesn't call me names...doesn't curse at me..no physical violence...he gets me off (in bed-sorry for the word choice)...he goes to counseling and wants to work on our relationship...etc etc.
> 
> ...BUT (you had to have known that was coming)...I'm just not happy. I have a special bond with him- we dated in high school, we've been married- he's obviously more than just some random guy on the street to me...but I'm not nor do I ever think I've been in love with him. As much as he "tries" for this marriage...it's just not enough and I feel guilty saying that but it's true. He does many things right that I'm sure plenty of women would be ecstatic about, but that doesn't mean it's what I want. There are a lot of things wrong that are things I just don't know if I can live with. We just had a mini-separation (I went back to my parents' house) and I was really happy! Then I came back here and I feel myself sinking right back into depression...
> 
> ...


Hmmm. My first question. Have you thought about what love is? It definitely is Not some feeling or emotion. You are way too focused on YOU. What you feel. What you want. How miserable you are. Problem is, you will be miserable down the road if you leave the marriage because you are focused on your circumstances to make you happy or to feel "in love". It is totally unrealistic. The problem lies inside of you. Unfortunately, no amount of counseling can fix this. You are doomed to repeat this with the next guy if you walk. Sorry if it is too straight forward. The truth hurts, it hurt me a ton 14 months ago.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I predict that you will be sorry one day that you left an okay marriage.

sounds like selfishness, hes trying and you checked out long ago or never was in love with him. you were in love with the idea of being married.

if you really arn't in love with him move on.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

As long as you believe that you can find 'better' on the market you will never love him. Realise that everyone has faults not just your husband. I dont think all these sessions will ever help you. I wonder what you do there. You havent even stated what is wrong with him and it seems you just cant put your finger on it.


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## CalifGuy (Nov 2, 2011)

Juicy said:


> I think CalifGuy's comment is too harsh. You aren't a bad person feeling like this. In fact you are strong to admit that you feel like this.
> 
> Do you truly believe that there is no love in the marriage? and that you aren't in love? Maybe you just need to spice up the marriage and get away together to work on your marriage?


Are my comments really too harsh? I am looking at it from the point of view of the husband who has seemingly done anything and everything he can to try to please his wife yet nothing is good enough.

He is a good provider, satisfies her in bed, has never cheated, has tolerated her selfish attitude and is the one seemingly fighting to save the marriage, suggesting that he loves her to death, yet she is an ice queen, selfish and says she doesn't love him and never really has loved him. 

If anything, I was not harsh enough.


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## Laba (Nov 12, 2011)

Please do yourself and him a favor and go, obviously you are not gonna be able to stay, love him and be happy yourself... There is plenty of fish in the water for both of you and life is simply too short to waste another day feeling unhappy.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Laba said:


> Please do yourself and him a favor and go, obviously you are not gonna be able to stay, love him and be happy yourself... There is plenty of fish in the water for both of you and life is simply too short to waste another day feeling unhappy.


If you think every relationship doesn't have seasons, you are setting yourself up for failure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

i just want to point out that feeling "in love" is a feeling just like everything else. it is an internal response to external stimuli. that means that you can fall in love with anyone who is capable of providing the right stimuli.

unconditional love is an internal cause for our external decisions. it is not based on how we feel. i admire anyone who can choose to love someone regardless of how they feel. 

that said, if you leave because of feelings, you are not showing the kind of love that is needed to make a marriage last. leaving now will not do you any good. find out what stimulates your "in love" emotional response. if you can get your husband to provide that stimulation, you get to fall in love with your husband.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

As'laDain said:


> i just want to point out that feeling "in love" is a feeling just like everything else. it is an internal response to external stimuli. that means that you can fall in love with anyone who is capable of providing the right stimuli.
> 
> unconditional love is an internal cause for our external decisions. it is not based on how we feel. i admire anyone who can choose to love someone regardless of how they feel.
> 
> that said, if you leave because of feelings, you are not showing the kind of love that is needed to make a marriage last. leaving now will not do you any good. find out what stimulates your "in love" emotional response. if you can get your husband to provide that stimulation, you get to fall in love with your husband.


Exactly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Juicy said:


> I think CalifGuy's comment is too harsh. You aren't a bad person feeling like this. In fact you are strong to admit that you feel like this.
> 
> Do you truly believe that there is no love in the marriage? and that you aren't in love? Maybe you just need to spice up the marriage and get away together to work on your marriage?


I agree, very harsh comments indeed; coming from someone that left his first wife because she got fat? :scratchhead: Talk about superficial "love".

Anyway, Confused, you are not alone in the way you feel. There are alot of couples out there that are not "in love" with each other and things are only "okay". 

Since you have been separated before, and were totally happy, but now depressed again being with your husband, I think it's time to call it quits. Bravo to you for having the courage to face your feelings and move on. In time, your husband will be okay. Give him the chance to find love, and give yourself that chance as well.


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## CalifGuy (Nov 2, 2011)

southern wife said:


> I agree, very harsh comments indeed; coming from someone that left his first wife because she got fat? :scratchhead: Talk about superficial "love".


Correction...coming from someone who left his first wife because she got MORBIDLY OBESE (5'3" 230 pounds), was emotionally abusive (thought it was funny to call me a cu*t), refused to take care of herself and who single-handed made the decision that at 35 years old she was going to shut down her/our successful business and "retire" whether or not we had children.

It's not like she gained 20 pounds (more like nearly DOUBLED her weight) and everything was hunky-dory, otherwise. It was a toxic situation and it was better for both she and I that it end. Hardly a superficial reason for ending the marriage. Besides, she spit instead of swallowed and that, my friend, is a dealbreaker! 
:lol:


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## Confused99 (Jul 29, 2010)

I haven't read all the comments but I scrolled through real quick and I see what has come up a lot is what isnt being met...first of all to Calif..yes that response was a little harsh but hey I come on here to hear the truth...also you just got a quick post and not the whole story so I'm not mad...second of all...I think my husband is a good man. He tries and I appreciate that. It just feels like he never gets it right. And I tell him over and over and over what I want but it's always there but not quite. I've been struggling with depression and anxiety and I'm really trying to take it easy and he knows this, yet he still does things that leave stress on me and I'm starting to be a little resentful because I dont want to be sick anymore. For example, I had mentioned I wanted a real tree this year but I also said it's not a big deal if its going to be a fuss b/c I'd rather have a tree and have the least stress possible than get worked up over a real tree. Well, he wanted to make me happy so he got a real tree! But didnt buy a stand and just dumped a real tree wrapped in net in the living room and it's been sitting there for three days. We didn't go buy the tree together so it wasn't a team project...this was something he wanted to do and I was going to decorate whatever tree we had...well its been sitting there waterless for three days now and I finally give up obviously I'm going to have to go navigate Home Depot in search of the proper tree stand and set this thing up. I've been bringing it up and he keeps saying hes going to do it that day and then the day ends...


This is just an example I'm not gonna leave a man over a Christmas tree. But its just an example of how things are not quite there for me. 

What I'm missing is a connection between the two of us. He is a good man independently...he works and he does cook/clean sometimes and he doesn't have too bad of habits (he smokes& drinks but not in excess) etc...but he doesn't seem to understand interpersonal relationships at all...I tell him that I want him to talk to me I want us to do things together etc and he doesnt get it...I went to my parents' house for two months and he barely called or texted and when I called he said there wasnt anything really going on to talk about...but then recently he just started demanding I come home so I did and he hasnt once tried to sit down and talk about why I left how things will be different now that Im back how were going to prevent another separation...and I keep asking him over and over when we're going to talk b/c I felt like we shouldve had a talk before I even came back. He just wants to resume everything we normally do and act like nothing happened. He bought me some presents for when I got back and since Ive been back hes been buying home improvement items (new bathroom decor set new window curtains etc). We haven't once been on a date or had a real conversation (we talk but its about did this bill get paid or do you want chicken or steak for dinner)


He's been in counseling but it's been months now and we've been having the communication/emotion problem for 2 1/2 years and I'm just getting burnt out. Yes, I appreciate new curtains and I'm glad we can even afford a tree some people don't even have that...but when I picture "love" I picture someone i can be broke and homeless under a bridge with or locked in a jail cell and still be okay b/c we have each other and we can keep each other company and our spirits up

And this is what I cant get over...he can do everything right but at the end of the day if something good/bad happens to me and my husband can't be the person I run to to talk about it with then why be married? I'm just tired of waiting for him to get it 


And it's not just me...he has friends, but doesn't hang out with them or call them to talk. He has a big family, but never sends cards/presents/etc and hardly ever calls/texts (a couple times a year???). He didn't visit them for three years before I moved in with him and paid for us to go visit his family. But he thinks he's a good friend&brother/uncle!!! Literally in his head he thinks he isn't doing anything wrong but when I talk to them they think hes completely alienated himself. He just truly doesnt understand communication or interpersonal relationships at all the concept is just not there in his head.


He's been on medication this year for ADHD but I know people with ADHD and they arent like this...I'm starting to wonder if he may cross over on the spectrum as well or is it just a personal problem?? I'm not sure what to think but it baffles me


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

High school sweethearts marrying is a risky venture, regardless

Kids should so leave the nest. Explore themselves first. A lot of this feeling is common in this situation. Marrying out of high school leaves little room for someone's own personal growth, and that feeling of "missing" something can manifest itself later on in the marriage.

Not so much missing a "better" man, but missing out on that growth.

Your not wrong in leaving if it's what you want. But it will be a hard road to travel if that is where your heart is.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

You said, "There are a lot of things wrong that are things I just don't know if I can live with."

Without knowing what these things are, it is difficult to give advice. 

My opinion is that in any long term relationship, there will be good times and bad times. 

LOVE is something you do, not necessarily something you feel.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

CalifGuy said:


> Besides, she spit instead of swallowed and that, my friend, is a dealbreaker!
> :lol:


:lol::rofl:

seriously though, leaving because your wife is fat is no more wrong than leaving because there is no passion. in the end, your spouse was not willing to provide the stimulation for you to fall in love with her, and she was doing things that made you love her even less. 

you knew the why and your spouse was not willing to correct. 

confused99 needs to determine the why before leaving. give the guy a chance to fill the need and pull the right emotional triggers.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Confused99 said:


> I haven't read all the comments but I scrolled through real quick and I see what has come up a lot is what isnt being met...first of all to Calif..yes that response was a little harsh but hey I come on here to hear the truth...also you just got a quick post and not the whole story so I'm not mad...second of all...I think my husband is a good man. He tries and I appreciate that. It just feels like he never gets it right. And I tell him over and over and over what I want but it's always there but not quite. I've been struggling with depression and anxiety and I'm really trying to take it easy and he knows this, yet he still does things that leave stress on me and I'm starting to be a little resentful because I dont want to be sick anymore. For example, I had mentioned I wanted a real tree this year but I also said it's not a big deal if its going to be a fuss b/c I'd rather have a tree and have the least stress possible than get worked up over a real tree. Well, he wanted to make me happy so he got a real tree! But didnt buy a stand and just dumped a real tree wrapped in net in the living room and it's been sitting there for three days. We didn't go buy the tree together so it wasn't a team project...this was something he wanted to do and I was going to decorate whatever tree we had...well its been sitting there waterless for three days now and I finally give up obviously I'm going to have to go navigate Home Depot in search of the proper tree stand and set this thing up. I've been bringing it up and he keeps saying hes going to do it that day and then the day ends...
> 
> 
> This is just an example I'm not gonna leave a man over a Christmas tree. But its just an example of how things are not quite there for me.
> ...


WHOA! There are some big things wrapped in the "tree" situation. Does he have mentors? They have helped me much more than counseling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Confussed99...

After reading your post above I get where you are coming from. It sounds like your husband is a good man but has no clue on what makes a relationship really click. I'm not sure you do either.

I would highly recommend that you get the book "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters" by Dr. Harley. If you both learn to do what the books prescribe you will both realize how important it is to find out exactly what your partners needs are and what it takes to meet them. If you both focus on meeting each other's needs.

Often a spouse will do what they think will make the other spouse happy, e.g. the whole Christmas tree thing for example. I’m sure he thought he was being a wonderful, romantic guy buying you exactly what you wanted and surprising you with it. But he missed the mark by a 1000 miles. But then again you missed the mark too because you did not tell him that you wanted a real tree… one that the two of you picked out during a outing together. And that getting a new tree stand needed to be part of the whole outing.

So now, he who thinks he did this wonderfully romantic, thoughtful thing is miffed at your sort’a hostile reaction to it. So you keep asking him to get a stand. He probably is thinking “Screw that I got the tree and you were ungrateful and kind of snippy about it.

This is going both ways… you are both love busting all over the place.

Why is he in counseling? Because he thinks there is something wrong with him? Or because you think there is something wrong with him and he’s accommodating you?


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

"Love is not a feeling, love is a decision you make and continue to make in order to create an experience that is described as love. Love is an action that if you don't use it you lose it. Love is like any communication, if you never send it out, you won’t get a return. Love is something you give to others not something you feel because something happens to you. "

By Grant Cardone


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

If you leave, I sure hope you don't take one penny of his money. Be equitable as you go find yourself or whatever... he shouldn't be penalized.

Be careful... sometimes that green grass on the other side ends up being astroturf.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

So he can never do anything right however hard he tries. This is quite common, and you have to make a decision. Dont waste your money on counselling it wont help or change him. He will never in his life be what you want. You have to decide if you want him as he is, doing everything wrong or at least telling him every time EXACTLY how to do it and even then it will hardly ever be right. Or that is not what you want. I think with regret its divorce.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

The quest for a Disney Marriage strikes another.....


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## Confused99 (Jul 29, 2010)

Dedicated- He does not have any mentors or accountability he keeps to himself

Elegirl- He is in counseling for his ADHD

SadSamIam- People choose to cultivate their love for someone. Maybe in theory you could act out love to just about anyone but there are going to be different people that you mesh with more and have more of a spark and chemistry with. Not everyone is meant to be with everyone. And I agree with bad times being in any relationship, but what if your whole relationship has been a bad time? I thought we were just adjusting at first but we haven't been able to get this marriage on track yet and it's getting old! Things I cant live with are being stressed, unhappy, unfulfilled, etc. I came to this marriage giving 100% and now Im just drained. He's been trying and trying and just doesn't get it and I just dont have any more time in my life to give to him. Also, it doesnt go over my head how bad I sound and that only makes me feel worse emotionally that not only is my marriage failing but now Im an indecent person who speaks badly of her spouse. 

Alphaomega- The last thing I want is another man, better or not. Im at the point in my life where I want to be happy. I want to live my own life and figure things out and be complete on my own. If someone in the future comes along and complements what I already have going on for myself then fine if not I'll be sad to not have kids but I guess I'll have to live. I know I have someone right now but we don't have a life together. We live in the same house and its just awkward. We don't do much together we dont talk much to each other outside of necessary things like whats for dinner and we both have two separate futures envisioned. 

I feel like the dead horse has been beaten too much. This marriage was a failure from the start and no amount of counseling or couples workshops have been able to mend it and time sure hasn't made a difference. Our two year anniversary is coming up in three weeks and I could care less if we don't celebrate it at all.


And before everyone continues to rip into me, I have tried. I have read books. I have gone to classes. I do go to counseling. We have done marriage counseling. I still cook and clean and have sex with him and I dont nag every day. I tell him what I want and need so he's not in the dark on what he should do. I am nice to him and I do think about him and do things for him. I'm just not happy on the inside and I'm tired of daydreaming about life on my own I'd like to just make it happen. But I feel like a terrible person for wanting to throw something that isnt bad out of the window. He hasnt cheated on me or physically abused me and we are in a committment and I feel like I should honor that but I also feel like it's at the expense of my peace and happiness.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Do not rely on this board to give you the "ok" to stay or go. Do what you need to do in your life to be happy. Life is too short to live and not be happy and at peace with yourself.


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## Confused99 (Jul 29, 2010)

accept said:


> So he can never do anything right however hard he tries. .


Its not about doing it the way I asked. There are right and wrong ways to do things in general that I didn't make up. You're SUPPOSED to put a Christmas tree in water. If you're not ready to take care of a tree don't buy one. 

As far as other things go, it just seems like he's off on his own planet doing what he thinks is trying. If Im sitting here on Earth saying hey I really want to talk we need to talk when are we gonna have that talk and then he comes home with a new shower curtain, sure its nice to have a new curtain but were you listening to what I was asking at all? Who are you trying to please a generic woman after you typed in "how to make my wife happy" in Google or the one you have in front of you who is asking to talk


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Unsure in Seattle said:


> If you leave, I sure hope you don't take one penny of his money. Be equitable as you go find yourself or whatever... he shouldn't be penalized.
> 
> Be careful... sometimes that green grass on the other side ends up being astroturf.


I am a woman and I agree with this 100%. He has not done anything wrong... no more wrong than what you (confused99) as done.

Confused99, do you work outside of the home?

How man children do you have with your husband?


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

I have been with my wife for over 18 years now. She is without a doubt my best friend. There has never been passion, spark or chemistry.

Way back before we were married she left for 6 months. Guess what?... I wasn't sad that she was gone. I dated several women. When she came back, I was disappointed. I wanted to date other women still. So my then girlfriend was all romantic and it was easier to take her back, I thought than to find women to date. 

Fast forward fifteen years. Now we are married with a child. As I said no passion, no real love, no chemistry and very little communication. 

Now my wife Knows something is wrong so we have had more sex in the past year than all previous 18 years combined. I am happy about that at the same time I know our hearts are not really there.

She is a wonderful person and does a lot to care for our Daughter. I find myself not wanting to rush home though. I am starting hobbies that takes me away for a while and I want her to do the same. She bores me to tears. She is my wife though. I afeel just like you CONFUSED99!

In my heart, I am ALREADY GONE!


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## Confused99 (Jul 29, 2010)

Elegirl-

Even in this marriage I really try not to take too much from him. Yes, he pays the bills, but as far as my personal spending goes I babysit, petsit, etc. to pay for extraneous things such as getting a pedicure.

If we do split, my intention is to be honest with him about how I feel, why I want to do this, and to make it as amicable as possible. 

I do not work outside the home I just graduated from my undergraduate studies and started graduate school before the separation. I now have the choice of returning to graduate school in January or next year. I do regularly babysit and pet sit, I have regular clients for both but obviously that income is not enough to pay any bills it just gives me good pocket change for having lunch with friends, pedicures, occassional shopping trips etc.

We have no children


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Confused99 said:


> I'm just not happy
> I'm not nor do I ever think I've been in love with him
> As much as he "tries" for this marriage...it's just not enough and I feel guilty saying that but it's true
> There are a lot of things wrong that are things I just don't know if I can live with
> (I went back to my parents' house) and I was really happy! but I'm not in love...and I'm only "okay"...


To quote Forest Gump's mom, "love is as love does" and "happy is as happy does". What we do or don't do defines each of us as a person, not what we feel. You have to do (or not do) what you have to


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## Shoeguy (Jun 23, 2011)

Confused99,

It sounds like to me that you have already made the decision to leave and you are scared to take the final step and looking for someone or something to push you. If that perception is correct I think you are doing no one any favors by not procedding with your decision and leaving even if it is just for another seperation.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Confused99 said:


> Elegirl-
> 
> Even in this marriage I really try not to take too much from him. Yes, he pays the bills, but as far as my personal spending goes I babysit, petsit, etc. to pay for extraneous things such as getting a pedicure.
> 
> ...


wow so he pay the balk of all bills and you have a nice place to live as he puts you through college and maybe grad school.

and the money you make you get to spend on your self and you just don't love him anymore. you soud spoiled to me sorry but your a user take take take and then cry about it.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

I have felt the way you do for 19 or so years. Although I don't know if I would find a nicer person out there that would put up with me. 

My wife just started a part time job after staying at home for 8 + years. I want my wife to be more self-sufficient. I want to give her freedom. I don't want her to stay with me because she has nowhere else to go and no way to pay for it.

CONFUSED99... If you feel this way now, Don't wait 18 years like I did. RUN FOREST RUN!!!... sorry couldn't resist Ten Year Hubby!


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## NotSoSureYet (Nov 10, 2011)

Soccerfan73 said:


> The quest for a Disney Marriage strikes another.....


Soccer, I have to disagree with this "Disney Marriage" syndrome that you talk about.......the people that have a fantastic marriage will tell you that it doesn't have to be a work in progress. They are very few and far between though. And I believe that is because people just settle and don't realize it. Sorry, no bad feelings towards ya, I have noticed you repeat this quite often.


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## Confused99 (Jul 29, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> you soud spoiled to me sorry but your a user take take take and then cry about it.


If I was a user I'd just stay put and keep having my bills paid. And I didn't say he paid for EVERYTHING I had a job before I got here and I bought this apartment and furnished it completely with my own savings. I also paid part of his debt off from his own college loans. As far as my schooling goes, I took out student loans which I plan to pay off with my own job when I graduate.
I'm very grateful for him paying the bills while I'm in school and Ive said in this post that hes a good guy.

As far as the Disney marriage goes..I believe it is possible to be happier just because a fairy tale doesnt happen for everyone doesnt mean we should all settle.

In response to Shoeguy- I want to leave but Im also ambivalent because Im just not 100% and dont want to make a terrible mistake. Could this just be a phase? Am I stuck in a rut because of personal issues? Do I just need a job and more things on my own to be happy I dont know. I'm not happy with him right now but I'm no leading experts on marriage, relationships, happiness, anything so what do I know? I'm confused& all over the place.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Confused99 said:


> I feel like the dead horse has been beaten too much. This marriage was a failure from the start and no amount of counseling or couples workshops have been able to mend it and time sure hasn't made a difference. Our two year anniversary is coming up in three weeks and I could care less if we don't celebrate it at all.


This thread could could have been started by my wife 15 years ago (except for the part about the sex, but I don't think that's all MY fault). 

Is it OK to leave this marriage? Absolutely. You were asking about an OK marriage. This is not an OK marriage. An OK marriage wouldn't be described with the paragraph I quoted.

I can't tell you how many times I've typed, in this forum, about how I wish my wife had left me 15 years ago. It would have been hell at the time, but I'd be with somene who loves me now. It's been 15 years since I've kissed someone who wanted to kiss me back. 15 years since someone has WANTED TO be intimate with me. 15 years since I've been loved. And you know what? I'm old. Too late to start over. We've got three kids. I'll NEVER have those things again.

Is it OK to leave this marriage? It's not only OK, it's the single best thing you can do for your husband. Let him dodge this bullet and start over.


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## Confused99 (Jul 29, 2010)

In response to Already Gone- I'm also extremely afraid to end up having a story like you, too! I already feel like Ive been waiting a while and nothing has changed. I dont want to get stuck in waiting&waiting and then realize 20 years has gone by


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Confused99 said:


> dont want to make a terrible mistake. Could this just be a phase? Am I stuck in a rut because of personal issues? Do I just need a job and more things on my own to be happy I dont know.


You may have hit on something here. How much longer will you be in school?


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Confused99 said:


> Dedicated- He does not have any mentors or accountability he keeps to himself
> 
> Elegirl- He is in counseling for his ADHD
> 
> ...


Bad news: he needs to be fixed and that's not happening without other men as accountability. The tree incident said a TON.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Oh yeah. I almost forgot. Get the biggest tree stang they have. You don't want it falling over.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Confused, the only one responsible for your own feelings are you, it seems you are trying to put that burden on him and its not his job so don't be disappointed in him or the marriage that you can't find happiness within. When you learn what you need to find that happiness, and when you can see it and get it you will find that with or without your H you can be happy, likewise if you can't find it you will never be happy, with or without your H. Or even any future H.

When you had a break from him you said you were happy, but that's only because you removed yourself from the element you have convinced yourself is the source of your disatisfaction. Also I just want to note, when you asked for some time alone he did exactly the right thing by not calling and texting you every day so don't view that as his mistake.

When you know what your needs are you can then communicate these to your H and because he loves you he will help you fulfill them. Also, removing the burden from him will free him up to discover his own needs too, that will restore your attraction to him as well as his desire for you. But the first thing you need to do is unconvince yourself that he is your emotional center.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Confused99 said:


> In response to Already Gone- I'm also extremely afraid to end up having a story like you, too! I already feel like Ive been waiting a while and nothing has changed. I dont want to get stuck in waiting&waiting and then realize 20 years has gone by


Confused--- I think you have hit on some really big things. This is an opportunity to make sure you become the person you want to be before divorcing. However, your husband has issues that take a ton of work. I know, he sounds a lot like me 14 mos ago. I have a long way to go, but the difference in tree experiences from last year to this were incredible. The "spark" so to speak isn't back, but the functionality of making her feel taken care of and loved is. You husband doesn't know how to love you. In turn, you can't connect with him. Personally, it is one thing to go to therapy. It is another to actively change yourself everyday. You guys owe it to each other to do the work to become new people and have a brand new relationship. I don't think he is doing any heavy lifting. Just my POV. If he was, you would have something to emotionally connect to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

And it takes a LONG time. He and you can't change in 6 mos. It takes 12 months of consistent changed behavior to know someone is truely changed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shoeguy (Jun 23, 2011)

Confused,

You may have opened a can of worms here that may just cause you more confusion. What you are receiving now is many different perspectives based on limited information about a subject you have said you have thought about for a year now.

It is good to get opinions when trying to make a tough decision. I haven't read all the posts so maybe it has been discussed but, what direction has your counselor given? Is there anyone else you have trusted with your feelings like a good friend or clergy if attend church.

My point is, there comes a time when you have to either get busy leaving or get him involved in changing the current status. Really work to get both of you on the same page. From what it sounds like you have been spinning around so long that even what others would consider a minor issue causes you great frustration.

If you know in your heart 100% that you tried to get him to listen and react and he still doesn't get with the program then in my opinion you need to cut bait and let him go. I don't see how you can feel confused about making the wrong choice if you are 100% sure within yourself you did everything you could at the time.

If you are not 100% sure and worried about regrets then there is still some work to be done. If you choose to keep working on your marriage, than this is a great place to get suggestions on how to accomplish something you yourself have decided to do. Looking on-line for solid advice on what you "should do" is very hard to come by.

Good luck with your decision.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

There's a saying in Blackjack that goes "don't hit on 20". If you want to follow your feelings go right ahead but be warned that the grass is not always greener. Your not in high school anymore where it's just about feelings. Think hard and fast before you bail but be honest with your husband and please try not to cheat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> To quote Forest Gump's mom, "love is as love does" and "happy is as happy does". What we do or don't do defines each of us as a person, not what we feel. You have to do (or not do) what you have to


And that's all I got to say about that......


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

> And it's not just me...he has friends, but doesn't hang out with them or call them to talk. He has a big family, but never sends cards/presents/etc and hardly ever calls/texts (a couple times a year???). He didn't visit them for three years before I moved in with him and paid for us to go visit his family. But he thinks he's a good friend&brother/uncle!!! Literally in his head he thinks he isn't doing anything wrong but when I talk to them they think hes completely alienated himself. He just truly doesnt understand communication or interpersonal relationships at all the concept is just not there in his head.


Ha that could easily be me. I don't know about other guys but I don't send my brother/sisters gifts or cards. They might get an email or a phone call on their birthday but thats it. Unless I see them. I haven't talked to my sister in probably 7 months... when we do we'll talk for an hour. Its not like she calling me either... so is she isolationist? People get busy.

I don't call to talk to my friends either... email if anything. Once in a great while. And yes if we haven't talked in years when we do its like it was yesterday. Guys don't need that communication always junk... I detest Facebook. My wife talks to my family members via facebook to keep me updated... she even tallks to MY FRIENDS all the time via facebook. So I guess my wife is my social avatar. I'm fine with that.

Now I do communicate with my wife and always involve her in activities.. so that part of your husband is disturbing,


He's a guy... we don't need the same as women in terms of constant communication with other besides our family and spouse. I communicate enough at work I have friends there I see everyday.

I highly doubt all them say he's alienating them... you are stretching that. Its normal guy behavior.

YOU are just trying to justify your unhappiness. I can see the not communicating with you and doing activities with you as an issue though....that needs a resolution.

I think it goes back to your vows... you did promise until death do you part. Or were you lying?

Karma train watch for it. I think you need to suck it up and get your head in your marriage.

Look at that ring on your finger and get unconfused. Work on the spouse you got.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Confused99 said:


> Elegirl-
> 
> Even in this marriage I really try not to take too much from him. Yes, he pays the bills, but as far as my personal spending goes I babysit, petsit, etc. to pay for extraneous things such as getting a pedicure.
> 
> ...


A little ‘tough love here’….

You get all stressed because you have to go buy a tree stand? You are a completely taken care of woman who is pampered and it’s stressful for you to go buy a tree stand and get that tree in water?

You want to talk about stress? What does your husband do for a living? How many hours a day does he work so that you can get your education on a leisurely basis and do little else? 

Once you are on your own you will have to earn the money to buy your own tree and tree stand, put it in water yourself, decorate it yourself… all while working 40 - 60 hour weeks.

Before you decide to leave him it would be a very good idea for you to get a full time job and pay half of all household expenses. Get yourself on your feet and find out what supporting yourself is all about.

Get a full time job; work on your advanced degree in the evening and weekends like working people do. Get a student loan to pay for your advanced degree... it would not be fair for you to have him pay your tuition and books and then leave him. So get a student loan so that you alone are taking on that expense.

I've known several women in a similar situation to yours. They leave a 'okay' husband because they are not happy. Then they get out in the real world on their own and realize that they have made a huge mistake.

I want to reiterate that your story about the Christmas tree does not show that your husband has a problem or that he needs to be fixed. I see that both of you are not perfect in that situation. You did not tell him exactly what you wanted and then you get upset and all emo about him not guessing what you really wanted. A husband is not a mind reader.

Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be. ~Abraham Lincoln


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> A little ‘tough love here’….
> 
> You get all stressed because you have to go buy a tree stand? You are a completely taken care of woman who is pampered and it’s stressful for you to go buy a tree stand and get that tree in water?
> 
> ...


I'll second this. I know of 4 women in our circle of friends that have left for reasons very similar to yours. Within 3 years, they realize they screwed up and want to come back. 3 of the guys said "too late". One said "ok" and they have a flourishing marriage far beyond anything they had before.
Of course, I could not imagine any man that I know putting a tree in the living room and not setting it up. It suggests a lot. _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Dedicated2Her said:


> I'll second this. I know of 4 women in our circle of friends that have left for reasons very similar to yours. Within 3 years, they realize they screwed up and want to come back. 3 of the guys said "too late". One said "ok" and they have a flourishing marriage far beyond anything they had before.
> Of course, I could not imagine any man that I know putting a tree in the living room and not setting it up. It suggests a lot. _Posted via Mobile Device_


On the surface it would seem a bit strange that he brought the tree in and then just left it there. But we are only getting half of the story. Did Confused99 give him grief for not reading her mind and getting the tree without him? Did she make a face or gesture that killed the event for him? He did something sweet.. not something she wanted him to do.. but something sweet... he was the he man who got the tree for her... and she's the woman who did not appreciate his gesture.. i'm sure that's how he sees it. If I were he I would probably just leave the tree there as well. Why try when nothing you do is right?


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> On the surface it would seem a bit strange that he brought the tree in and then just left it there. But we are only getting half of the story. Did Confused99 give him grief for not reading her mind and getting the tree without him? Did she make a face or gesture that killed the event for him? He did something sweet.. not something she wanted him to do.. but something sweet... he was the he man who got the tree for her... and she's the woman who did not appreciate his gesture.. i'm sure that's how he sees it. If I were he I would probably just leave the tree there as well. Why try when nothing you do is right?


As a man, you do it for you. Not her approval. You do it because it is the right thing to do. You do it because that is the type of man you want to be. Doing it for a woman's approval or for her happiness will leave you forever frustrated and feeling unvalued. The tree is heavy. Put it up because you are a man and are stronger. 

I live with an ungrateful woman. I know about the looks, the remarks, the never acceptable comments. You do it, step back, and admire your work because you feel good about you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Dedicated2Her said:


> As a man, you do it for you. Not her approval. You do it because it is the right thing to do. You do it because that is the type of man you want to be. Doing it for a woman's approval or for her happiness will leave you forever frustrated and feeling unvalued. The tree is heavy. Put it up because you are a man and are stronger.
> 
> I live with an ungrateful woman. I know about the looks, the remarks, the never acceptable comments. You do it, step back, and admire your work because you feel good about you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree that you do it for you. But I can also see where a man (or a person) could give up over time. We do not know both sides of the story. 

I can give you an example from my previous marriage. My husband and I both worked full time until he decided to go to med school. I was running a business that we owned so really I worked more than full time. He worked an 8 hour day.

About 5 years into the marriage he turned nasty. I would cook dinner. Invariably he would yell and throw the dish of food across the table at me. If the dish had sauce he did not like sauces and gravies. If it did not.. like steak it was dry and needed sauce. 

There was nothing I could cook the right way. Plus there was the violence of his yelling and throwing the dish. 

One night when he did that I stood up and told him I would never cook for him again. It was 7 years before I cooked another meal for him. Was I a bad spouse for refusing to ever cook for him again? I don’t think so.

(Added: By the way, when I did start cooking again... he never complained about anything I cooked. He often complemented the meals. :smthumbup

But he could easily come have easily come to a site like this and told everyone that I never cook anything for him and he has to cook all the meals.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> I agree that you do it for you. But I can also see where a man (or a person) could give up over time. We do not know both sides of the story.
> 
> I can give you an example from my previous marriage. My husband and I both worked full time until he decided to go to med school. I was running a business that we owned so really I worked more than full time. He worked an 8 hour day.
> 
> ...


Absolutely, I agree with you on your circumstance. My point is that he is the leader of the family. Pick it up, do your job. Don't worry about pleasing her because eventually women will follow. It will take time, but they do. It is his job to lead. Not hers. He needs someone to kick him in the butt. Regardless of her actions, leaving a tree without putting it up in the living room day after day is a total lack of leadership. I work 50-60 hours and can manage that stuff after 14 mos of weekly meeting to develop my manhood and belief in myself. What woman would "love" a man who can't handle her emotions?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

She's made up her mind. Like all of you are saying, it ill take a lot of work to fix each of them individually, let alone this marriage. SHE's already admitted that she's not interested in putting in that effort. Exactly like my wife. See my earlier post re: how I wish she'd had the balls to leave me then.

Tell her it's all right to let this man go. He needs to start his new life sooner than later. She owes him that. I don't care about her hapiness. She lost all rights to happiness when she married a security blanket instead of a husband. Just like my wife. This decision needs to be made for HIM. And her leaving is the best option for him. My money is on her not pulling the trigger until the next security blanket is lined up.

And I'm not trying to be mean. My wife is a wonderful person. She just made a huge mistake. I give you credit for addressing your issue at least.

There are no kids involved. Let's not make this harder than it needs to be.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Dunno - what's in it for you if you stay besides the obvious? And is the obvious enough? For many people it is. I am 100% certain that for my wife it is. In fact it's preferable. She's arranged her life to be half roommate half child with few if any concrete responsibilities and near total freedom to be just about as horrid and miserable as she desires. Because for some people, being angry, worried, anxious, scared, toxic is the same thing as being invested in or responsible for a relationship. That's not me being harsh that's just how some people are. They believe that their own neuroses should be proof enough of how much they care. Of course being a paranoid narcissist you would expect them to feel that. 

So if your relationship is good enough, then it's good enough. Not great, no fireworks, no love. Just commitments and obligations and duty. Life is chores; ok. That's pretty much the definition of marriage since the stone age to about the year 1900. There are worse things. But if you think you actually can do better then why wouldn't you?


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

I can easily blame my unhappiness on my wife. Usually it is because she doesn't do all the things that I want her to do.

After 19 years it is still the same. I can dream or fantasize that another women would make me happier, but I know happiness comes from within. Eventually, I would be miserable with another relationship.

I am really working on our relationship and puling out all stops. I've totally stopped complaining about the house not being kept the way that I want or the laundry wasn't done.... I feel so much better.

I mentioned many time before that there is very little love between us. I don't know how long we will stay together. I have 19 years invested in this relationship and from this forum, I realize there are very few truly happy marriages. Maybe the ones that work are the ones that really work at it. Even if I feel that I am the only one doing the work. 

I agree with Runs like Dog..."So if your relationship is good enough, then it's good enough. Not great, no fireworks, no love. Just commitments and obligations and duty. Life is chores;

If you are truly unhappy, leave quick before you invest more of HIS time on you.
By the way, Both my parents have passed away along with both of my brothers and I call my sister maybe every 3 month or so.


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## Patricia B. Pina (Nov 22, 2011)

Leave him, don't make him suffer any more.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Soccerfan73 said:


> The quest for a Disney Marriage strikes another.....


:rofl:


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

CalifGuy said:


> Do him a favor and leave...while he will be crushed, he deserves better than you. You are reprehensible for marrying a man whom you have, by your own admission, never loved.
> 
> Perhaps karma will come through and you will find yourself in an opposite situation where you fall deeply in love with a new man and he doesn't love you back but marries you anyway, only to then leave you.


It is called setteling, taking the safe road so you don't have to wish karma on her. She is suffering bad enough now.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

If you weren't married what would you do? There are no kids involved so the consequences of divorce are minimal if your not going to fleece your husband in the process. Before you make a decision you might want to make sure your not projecting your own unhappiness onto your husband. I'm embarrassed to say that I've done this and it wasn't fair to my wife.


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

SadSamIAm said:


> LOVE is something you do, not necessarily something you feel.


I know what you mean by that, but I think in a marriage, it's BOTH.

Marital love cannot be sustained with the type of love you have for your brother or your mother. In my experience, it's got to have that extra something.

I do think sometimes people can win that back. It does have to be there from the beginning though. And a lot of people, young people especially, marry thinking they don't _have_ to have it all. (Meaning the passion.) They don't want to wait, so they compromise, and unfortunately years later end up in a sad situation.


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

Confused99 said:


> I haven't read all the comments but I scrolled through real quick and I see what has come up a lot is what isnt being met...first of all to Calif..yes that response was a little harsh but hey I come on here to hear the truth...also you just got a quick post and not the whole story so I'm not mad...second of all...I think my husband is a good man. He tries and I appreciate that. It just feels like he never gets it right. And I tell him over and over and over what I want but it's always there but not quite. I've been struggling with depression and anxiety and I'm really trying to take it easy and he knows this, yet he still does things that leave stress on me and I'm starting to be a little resentful because I dont want to be sick anymore. For example, I had mentioned I wanted a real tree this year but I also said it's not a big deal if its going to be a fuss b/c I'd rather have a tree and have the least stress possible than get worked up over a real tree. Well, he wanted to make me happy so he got a real tree! But didnt buy a stand and just dumped a real tree wrapped in net in the living room and it's been sitting there for three days. We didn't go buy the tree together so it wasn't a team project...this was something he wanted to do and I was going to decorate whatever tree we had...well its been sitting there waterless for three days now and I finally give up obviously I'm going to have to go navigate Home Depot in search of the proper tree stand and set this thing up. I've been bringing it up and he keeps saying hes going to do it that day and then the day ends...
> 
> 
> This is just an example I'm not gonna leave a man over a Christmas tree. But its just an example of how things are not quite there for me.
> ...



Yes, I know this syndrome all too well. He's an emotionally unavailable man. Not bad, just soooo unsatisfying. And they take a lot from you without giving back. Sorry, financial doesn't count. I have the scars and did the backbreaking work it takes to raise 3 children. I stayed home some years, but that was the deal: he worked, I took care of everything else and plus worked 2 days a week as a registered nurse and went to grad school. Which I paid for and am still paying for. I worked part-time until the youngest was in school full time, then I went full time. 
We're now divorced due to his emotional unavailability (would NOT go to counseling), his nasty temper, and just the overall lack of connection and aching lonlieness I dealt with for 18 years. Well, and I got married too young.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

My suggestions:

1. Find a job that forces you to grow as a person.

2. Volunteer for a cause that helps people.

3. Retrain or upgrade your qualifications so that you can get a more meaning job.

4. Enjoy what you have. Have fun in what you're doing.

5. Get yourself checked out to see if you have any health issues. Hormonal, adrenal, overweight, etc?

6. Go to the gym and build some muscles and endurance.

7. Train for a competitive sport.

8. Spend some quality time with your kids if you have some. Else volunteer to help other kids.


The list can go on and on. You can do them together?

Break yourself out of your funk. Do something to increase your own self-worth and respect.


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