# Stuck in neutral...



## Twice (Mar 31, 2013)

So it's been exactly a year since DDay. I've been through all the phases... Every emotion: Anger, rage, fear, sorrow, saddness.

Now I've Separated, got my sh-t together, slimmed down, went to MC, and IC... 

Her A burned brightly for 8 months and then crashed and burned as I knew it would... She hasn't had any contact with OM since January...

We've been seeing each other for the occasional times together, dinner out with friends, spending days shopping.... Kind of like a slow dance without touching...

So now what? When I talk to my WS, she says she's trying to figure out how and why she fell in so deeply with the OM. She says she doesn't want to start again till she has straightened her act out. She wants to understand what was missing in our R. She is reading books about relationships and sex. She's seeing an IC...and a MC... (the MC says the R can be saved... I just need time for the fog to lift)

I don't want to start up again either till I see some real progress in her... Remorse would be a good start. Apology for the pain she caused would help. And some real honest trying to make the R work...

Since there's none of that, I've kept my distance both physically and emotionally. 

We seem to both be stuck in neutral... Two fighters circling each other in the ring... Both reeling from the punches...

So: what can I expect next? how do you get a R unstuck? Etc. etc.

Have you been there? What worked? What didn't?

Should this have been posted somewhere else, like in the 
Reconciliation section?


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

My advice.It might sound/be harsh.

But stop hanging out and do friend´s thing´s.
YOU are her husband ,not her girlfriend...
And also the big fact.This is a great chance for her to make you
stop questioning her about the affair..

Guilt tripping you


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Do YOU want to R with her? Have you tried no contact for. A while
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

No, posting here is fine 

When my husband cheated, I kicked him out, and would not let him move home till he'd been in IC and us in MC for a while, and he was showing definite improvement as far as not acting out any more. HE had to do the heavy lifting. I was more than ready to move on without him. The only concession I gave him was, I didn't file for D. I let him continue to convince me he was worth it.

What is she doing to convince you she's worth it??? Sounds like not much. File for D - maybe being served with papers will wake her up. And if it doesn't, then proceed with D.


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## Twice (Mar 31, 2013)

Thanks Hope...

You hit the nail square on. Heavy lifting is what I want her to do. 

If she won't or can't ill know soon enough. 

Anything you can recommend I do to be sure that happens?

I'm aware that it's up to her to decide if that's what she wants... Just wondering if you "helped" yours see the light?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Twice said:


> Thanks Hope...
> 
> You hit the nail square on. Heavy lifting is what I want her to do.
> 
> ...


just tell her your done and go dark. set her free if she comes crawling back then MAYBE you can get back together.


have some respect for your self or she will never respect you.You might find out you like yourself better without her around.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> just tell her your done and go dark. set her free if she comes crawling back then MAYBE you can get back together.
> 
> 
> have some respect for your self or she will never respect you.You might find out you like yourself better without her around.


I have to agree with this. Sounds like she's setting the rules. 

So, she basically got to do what she wanted with the OM for 8 months while you waited for it to burn out? Now, you are waiting for her to figure herself out? Where is your self-respect?

Why are you still married to her?


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## Twice (Mar 31, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> just tell her your done and go dark. set her free if she comes crawling back then MAYBE you can get back together.


I hear you loud and clear...

Thanks for giving me the answer i had been thinking about for some time...your right, it is time to go dark. Should have never picked back up so soon.

Think I'll go enjoy spring...time for some fresh air...time of renewal.


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## arked (Mar 2, 2013)

I think going dark is the way to go. You need to let her go and move on. Check out the book The Married Mans Sex Primer by Atol Kay. There are some good ideals in the book to help you. May not work with her but it works with someone else. I think she does not value you or respect you. If she does not change her thinking move on find someone else who will.


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## Summer4744 (Oct 15, 2012)

Hanging around for her while she figures why she hoed around is not the both of you in neutral. 

Cut off all contact for a month aside from the kid stuff and see another woman. Then she will really jump.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Twice said:


> I hear you loud and clear...
> 
> Thanks for giving me the answer i had been thinking about for some time...your right, it is time to go dark. Should have never picked back up so soon.
> 
> Think I'll go enjoy spring...time for some fresh air...time of renewal.


I predict that after you find yourself you won't want her back!

plenty of GOOD women out there. find one that has good charachter. watch how they treat people around them are they selfish and bi*chy ,complain about everything little thing that dose not go their way or are they reasonable and forgiving realising that not everything has to go their way!


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Why are you even bothering with this woman? She chose another man over you and she was with him for 8 months. Now that the affair fizzled out, she's sniffing around you again in a very cautious manner. Why would you even give her any attention at all? You realize that she went for the exciting Mr. A, but since it broke apart she decided to go back to good old reliable Mr. Twice. Mr. Twice will be with me again, because I can ALWAYS rely on Mr. Twice to be there when I need it. 

Unfortunately for you, she's probably also thinking: I'll just stick around with Mr. Twice until I see something more exciting, and then I'll go after the other guy. Maybe this time it works out for me...


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Mr. Twice will be with me again, because I can ALWAYS rely on Mr. Twice to be there when I need it.
> 
> Unfortunately for you, she's probably also thinking: I'll just stick around with Mr. Twice until I see something more exciting, and then I'll go after the other guy. Maybe this time it works out for me...


Plan 9 seems right on this point. Does she still hold the cards after 8 months of having an affair? Is she playing it cool, saying she needs time to figure herself out, while you pursue her during these friend-zone date nights? Maybe she's not planning the next guy, but if she feels you _need_ her and you're there for her regardless of what she does, she may lose respect for you and take more liberties with your relationship.

Do enjoy the spring, find yourself and the confidence that you'll be fine without her. Maybe even better. Do that and it will show in your words/actions, and when it's clear to her that you've taken the reins, you can decide where to take the cart... with or without her.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Twice

I am a very big fan of getting on the new train to happiness.

If your wife is still trying to figure herself out then let her do that.

If she decides you are not worth losing then she can hop on that train with you.

Either way you deserve to be happy and be with someone that wants to be with you.

So get on the train.

And watch her actions. That will be all you need for an answer....

HM64


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Dear Twice,

What you're hearing is that you need to send your WW a wake-up call. Going dark is good but filing for divorce and going dark is better.

Do that and there is no way she can mistake your intention to pull the plug on her if she doesn't start to show real remorse and a willingness to do the heavy lifting. Simply going dark may land you stalemate and, if that happens, based on what you've told us, I'm betting you will crack first.

Good luck.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Twice said:


> If she won't or can't ill know soon enough.


My god man, it's been a year since dday.

You already know the answer.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> My god man, it's been a year since dday.
> 
> You already know the answer.


You beat me to the punch Count.

Look OP. Here's how I see it. One of either two things:

She's playing mind games with you, trying to steal back control, by making you think she's not sure if she wants to R. A way of deflecting her need to show remorse and putting herself back on equal footing with you.

Or

As another poster suggested, she's keeping you on the back burner, while she checks out other opportunities and decides if she will finally resort to her plan B. You.

Either way, the advice is the same. Do a hard 180 on her and start with the D. Then watch what happens.


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