# Guess we aren't reconciling at this time~



## InOverMyHeart (Apr 1, 2013)

G'morning all. I posted on the reconciliation forum (We want to reconcile, but he has a live in girlfriend) a few weeks back. I was under the impression we were on a right path to restore our marriage. Now, I am not so sure it's gonna happen anytime soon & it's getting really tough to be positive. He told me that he would take care of the situation with the OW and asked me to wait. During this time he has also asked to stay in contact with me and meet for dates or church on Sundays. I am so weary at this time and this morning I woke with the thought that this marriage, our marriage is the back up plan for him and I wanted to crawl in a corner somewhere. 

I am not perfect in this situation, over the course of our 8 year relationship (2 of them married) I have left him 3 times due to issues we were unable to come to an agreement on. He is now very gun shy about trusting that I will not leave him again. I understand that. I have opened my eyes to the fact that I want my marriage and my husband in my life and wonder if this is some sort of proving ground as to how badly I want it. I never changed my name during our marriage because I was afraid and last weekend I went to the DMV and changed it after 2 years of marriage. This is just as much fault as it is his, it really hurts though that he decided to contact me for a reconciliation, then back pedal by having the OW move in with him, and now ask me to wait to resolve everything.

I get what I deserve huh? Do I just need to shut up and grin & bare it?


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

Give the ultimatum. You will find out where his loyalties lie real quick.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

The old plan B, do I wait and want to be somebody's fall back plan strat. Do yourself a favor, stay strong, stay away. If he's not willing to 110% end it and go to some MC together, you cant wait for him to come around. Work on yourself/issues, don't let him run over you like this.

The Healing Heart: The 180

Learn it. live it.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

posOW has got to go - or you have no chance.

Have you exposed his affair?


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## InOverMyHeart (Apr 1, 2013)

Conrad: Exposed it?


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Exposure: Telling everyone, family, friends, work etc. that he is having an affair and shacking up with another W. 

Maybe go to the following sites and spend a little time in the discussion forums. It will help you formulate a plan.

What Are Plan A and Plan B?

Archived Plan A/Plan B - Marriage Builders® Forums

Sounds like after you expose it will be time to go dark.


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## InOverMyHeart (Apr 1, 2013)

"It is not your HOME. The man you are with is still MARRIED. He still sees his WIFE. GOD IS NOT IN WHAT YOU ARE DOING. You are only with him because he did not want to hurt your feelings. He still LOVES his WIFE and is trying to find a way to END it with you."

I want to post this on her fb page.... should I? Im shaking...


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

InOverMyHeart said:


> "It is not your HOME. The man you are with is still MARRIED. He still sees his WIFE. GOD IS NOT IN WHAT YOU ARE DOING. You are only with him because he did not want to hurt your feelings. He still LOVES his WIFE and is trying to find a way to END it with you."
> 
> I want to post this on her fb page.... should I? Im shaking...


Worst thing you could possibly do


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## InOverMyHeart (Apr 1, 2013)

Ok, thank you. I needed to hear that Conrad!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

InOverMyHeart said:


> Ok, thank you. I needed to hear that Conrad!


He has to tell her that.

Best thing you can do is expose their behavior to family, friends, workplace, etc.

Make it as hard for them as possible.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Tron said:


> Exposure: Telling everyone, family, friends, work etc. that he is having an affair and shacking up with another W.
> 
> Maybe go to the following sites and spend a little time in the discussion forums. It will help you formulate a plan.
> 
> ...


Don't everyone already know since he left his wife and moved someone else in? It doesn't sound like he's hiding anything from anyone.


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## InOverMyHeart (Apr 1, 2013)

I left him and he moved her in less than six months later, after telling me he wanted to work on our marriage. 

He asked me not to tell anyone about her moving in and I don't know how many people know about it.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

InOverMyHeart said:


> I left him and he moved her in less than six months later, after telling me he wanted to work on our marriage.
> 
> He asked me not to tell anyone about her moving in and I don't know how many people know about it.



Tell everyone.

Tell his family, his friends, his co-workers, tell the guy down at the gas station.

Tell everyone, he's playing some f'd up game with your heart and you don't need that.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

tacoma said:


> tell everyone.
> 
> Tell his family, his friends, his co-workers, tell the guy down at the gas station.
> 
> Tell everyone, he's playing some f'd up game with your heart and you don't need that.


tell everyone - today


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Quit covering for him.

You are his Plan B and he doesn't want anyone knowing about Plan A.

Make sure they do.


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## InOverMyHeart (Apr 1, 2013)

Guys, he's blaming me for leaving. Saying I should not have left and he (we) would not be in this position. 

I say you should have never started seeing anyone until we resolved what we were gonna do. 

He says he thought we were getting a divorce. 

I say well why did you say you wanted to make it work. 

He says he does, he just isn't ready to trust I wont leave again. He says he knows he wants our marriage and he knows what he has to do to get rid of the OW. And he wants me to trust in him.

I say to you all, I am not sleeping, I have nightmares, I'm trying to emerge myself in work, I need to clean my house, I want to work out but can't get off the couch. I'm losing it!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

The guy who is sleeping with another woman wants you to trust him?

Say that out loud to yourself a couple times


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## InOverMyHeart (Apr 1, 2013)

Yeah, irony. I love it! Made me chuckle a bit.


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## InOverMyHeart (Apr 1, 2013)

And I've begun to realize his loyalites lie with him and no one else. He cannot even lay himself down for our vows but wants me to. How do you begin to trust in something if you have to ensure it's gonna work out before you do?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

InOverMyHeart said:


> And I've begun to realize his loyalites lie with him and no one else. He cannot even lay himself down for our vows but wants me to. How do you begin to trust in something if you have to ensure it's gonna work out before you do?


Nobody gets a guarantee.

Trying to give someone some sort of guarantee (of an outcome) is the epitome of codependence


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

InOverMyHeart said:


> And I've begun to realize his loyalites lie with him and no one else. He cannot even lay himself down for our vows but wants me to. How do you begin to trust in something if you have to ensure it's gonna work out before you do?


It seems like both of you have trust issues and both of you want the other person to trust you even though both of you have done untrustworthy things.

You've left him three times in a two year marriage...you did not "lay yourself down for your vows" by not leaving him three times already. He doesn't trust that _this time_, you're for real.

This time that you left him, you didn't speak for 6 months and he bonded with an ex after his mother died and moved her in, says he's going to move her out eventually and wants you to trust him. You don't trust that he's for real.

I think both of you need to step away from each other for a while and really consider whether reconciliation is actually good for you, and why, and what makes you think that it's even possible considering you haven't resolved _anything _that led you to leaving him in the first place.


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## InOverMyHeart (Apr 1, 2013)

Conrad, interesting. So, yes. NC would make him come to terms on his own. He would not be able to look to me for answers. He would have to look to God. I could get my strength from God. And I could get some peace. And begin to do those things I need to do for me.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

InOverMyHeart said:


> Conrad, interesting. So, yes. NC would make him come to terms on his own. He would not be able to look to me for answers. He would have to look to God. I could get my strength from God. And I could get some peace. And begin to do those things I need to do for me.


You both work on yourselves and see what you have together.

BUT... the affair fog must be broken first.


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## InOverMyHeart (Apr 1, 2013)

Norajane, I left 3 times over an 8 year relationship. Not over a 2 year marriage. 

Yes, I think of what you bring up as well and get all nervous because it appears divorce is the only way. And then I feel I am fighting a battle on my own. 

Perhaps you are correct, maybe we do need to step away because the hurt & pain are still there bigtime.


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## InOverMyHeart (Apr 1, 2013)

I keep coming back to the trust comment. I never even thought that I didn't trust him. Interesting.

Let the journey begin~


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

InOverMyHeart said:


> I keep coming back to the trust comment. I never even thought that I didn't trust him. Interesting.
> 
> Let the journey begin~


There's a reason you ran so often.

And, it starts with you.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

What do YOU want? There's got to be a reason you keep leaving.


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## InOverMyHeart (Apr 1, 2013)

Well people, I got off the couch and walked on the track for two miles. It felt good. Real good. I picked up some dinner and left my phone in the other room on purpose. I've had a migraine or sinus headache since Sunday so I have been moving slowly. I'm determined to stay up a little later so I can sleep thru the nite. I am so tired of the nightmares and the restlessness. 

I thought about what everyone posted here, and decided I needed to lay everything down for a bit, so I turned up the radio in my car on the drive home and on my phone while I walked. The music took my mind off things and that felt good too. There's this song by Adam Lambert-Whatdaya want from me. I sang that at the top of my lungs. Then a lot of reggae, a little P!NK and some Christian. Was kinda all over the place eh? Well, it did me some good, what can I say? G'nite all, thanks for reading my posts today. I really appreciate your feedback. Hopefully, I will be in a better place soon to read and provide feedback on your posts one day.


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## InOverMyHeart (Apr 1, 2013)

Update: 

Prayer works. H called last night, says he feels like he effed up by having OW move in with him. States that he is married and he cannot look at himself in a christian way with what he is doing. Says that God forgives him for his sins and he should have forgiven me. Told me to expect to do something nice for our anniversary next month. She will be gone by then. 

Keep praying all. 

Thanks for the harsh truth, I needed it to be able to stand.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

InOverMyHeart said:


> Update:
> 
> Prayer works. H called last night, says he feels like he effed up by having OW move in with him. States that he is married and he cannot look at himself in a christian way with what he is doing. Says that God forgives him for his sins and he should have forgiven me. Told me to expect to do something nice for our anniversary next month. She will be gone by then.
> 
> ...


So, he needs a last few bangs?

posOW has got to go... now.


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## InOverMyHeart (Apr 1, 2013)

I agree Conrad. But we both know I cannot tell him what to do. He has to arrive at this on his own. He actually asked for my forgiveness for making the wrong decision. I am learning that patience can be a beautiful thing. I love my husband. I learned what it means to honor my marriage. This is not in my hands. I give suggestions, let him know that honesty is the best way. But he has to do this himself. Just like I had to arrive where I am.

Don't get me wrong, I want to kick and scream! I want to beach and complain. I want to be demanding and all that. But somehow what I am doing is working. And listening to you guys is enabling me to stand and do the things I need to do for me. I have no control over him. I have no intentions of divorcing him for being stupid. Shoot, I've been stupid.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

You cannot tell him what to do.

You can tell him what you will accept - and what you won't.

But, you have to mean it - and be willing to enforce that boundary.

I'd be much more willing to forgive someone if they took action immediately upon realizing a grave mistake.... not some washout period where he can "gently" let her down.


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## InOverMyHeart (Apr 1, 2013)

Conrad,  

Interesting.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Conrad said:


> I'd be much more willing to forgive someone if they took action immediately upon realizing a grave mistake.... not some washout period where he can "gently" let her down.


Yes. He messed up but he's going to stay with her for another month?

Really?


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## InOverMyHeart (Apr 1, 2013)

Update: OW leaves on Thursday. He bought the plane ticket and is very anxious about getting our life back on track.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

InOverMyHeart said:


> Update: OW leaves on Thursday. He bought the plane ticket and is very anxious about getting our life back on track.


Much better.


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## InOverMyHeart (Apr 1, 2013)

Conrad. Will keep you all posted. We are supposed to spend the day together Saturday discussing the logistics and our next steps.


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## InOverMyHeart (Apr 1, 2013)

OW leaves today! 4 hours and counting! Wow.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

InOverMyHeart said:


> OW leaves today! 4 hours and counting! Wow.


Great first step!

Remember, this OW is not why you left him since she didn't exist 6 months ago. You and your H have a lot of work to do to discuss, understand, and resolve the issues in your marriage that you've been having all along. Be mindful of that instead of jumping back into the relationship willy-nilly. If you sweep it under the rug, you'll end up in the same place again in the future.

Good luck to you!


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## InOverMyHeart (Apr 1, 2013)

NJ, exactly! 

What we discovered thus far is I've wanted him to take lead in our marriage. And he wanted me to give up control. So this situation helped me in sitting the eff down and allowing him to make decisions that would benefit us. It was a great first step.

He's taking lead on other matters as well and let's me know this will be done in baby steps, not MY STEPS. Not MY WAY. But in a way that will work for our marriage. We are supposed to sit down on Sat and discuss how we would like to see the budget taken care of, a source of discourse during the 8 years. I let him know that this is what I've wanted for sooo long and am grateful.

3 hours and counting!


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## InOverMyHeart (Apr 1, 2013)

She's gone. Time to move forward with reconciling our marriage. See you on the other thread... Making a new one~


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