# When your ex calls you



## Richi300

During New years my ex tried opening up a line of communication via email which I ignored. She also sent another email a week ago saying how sorry she was for everything.... again. I wonder sometimes if there is a cynical force out there pulling the strings laughing at us. I mean I get it but really....why now? Why wait until I'm good with the thought of moving on? Anyways.......

Last night I received a phone call from a restricted number. I usually don't answer unknown numbers but with it being so late I thought someone in my family my be in trouble.....as you can guess it was my ex. Come to find out......my mother gave her my number. I was pissed...I wanted to hang up but I didnt. To be completely honest it was good to hear her voice. At the same time I didn't want to give her the wrong impression... So I told her to say what she had to and that after the phone call was over that I would be changing my number. Now to paraphrase...
She explained to me why she stepped out on our marriage, how she attempted suicide after losing her baby, me, and finding out the babies father wasn't who he patrayed himself to be. 

I did my best to be clear and direct with her. Explaining to her that I forgave her (which isn't really true) and taking her life was not the answer. Long story short I told her I know your hurting but it would never be the same between us. That she needed to work on herself and wait for a man that she could start over right with.

Crazy how the tables turned. And I don't feel vindicated about it. She said she understood my postion but I'm not sure if she actually does. I wanted to tell her how bad she hurt me but choice to take the "high road". Im little pissed off though..I gave her a possible chance for closure when I wasn't given that same opportunity. I'm ready to move on....but at the same time I wanted to stop her and say come home we will figure things out. Deep slow breathes were taken the whole conversation. I want to say I retrieved my power back but it doesn't feel that way. 

At the end it sounded like she wanted to say I love you but said thank you instead. And now looking back on it I'm glad she didn't because everything I said during the conversation woulda been null in void because I think I woulda of said it back. Between us I still do love her very much but I know it would never be the same and its time to move on. Now I have to call my mother and find out what the hell.


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## BetrayedDad

Richi300 said:


> So I told her to say what she had to and that after the phone call was over that I would be changing my number. Now to paraphrase...
> 
> She explained to me why she stepped out on our marriage, how she attempted suicide after losing her baby, me, and finding out the babies father wasn't who he patrayed himself to be.
> 
> I did my best to be clear and direct with her. Explaining to her that I forgave her (which isn't really true) and taking her life was not the answer. Long story short I told her I know your hurting but it would never be the same between us. That she needed to work on herself and wait for a man that she could start over right with.


Sounds like you should be offering advice rather than asking for it.

You handled it very well. Good man.


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## Rowan

And it's time for a come-to-Jesus with your mother. What on earth was she thinking, to give your ex your new phone number? :slap:


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## mjsquatch

This sounds like a very hard issue to deal with. Not knowing how much time has passed since all the relevant events happened, it would be difficult to offer too much in the way of an opinion. However, it sounds like you definitely need boundaries and very little contact from her right now. Maybe down the road things will change between you and her, maybe they won't, but I definitely think you are making good choices in the present, which is all you can do in life.


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## Richi300

Rowan said:


> And it's time for a come-to-Jesus with your mother. What on earth was she thinking, to give your ex your new phone number?


I'm still trying to figure out when to call my mother,.....smh..... Our last conversation she tried telling me marragies go through these kind of hardships.....LIKE WHAT! She loves my ex more than her own son! Lololol.


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## Richi300

mjsquatch said:


> This sounds like a very hard issue to deal with. Not knowing how much time has passed since all the relevant events happened, it would be difficult to offer too much in the way of an opinion. However, it sounds like you definitely need boundaries and very little contact from her right now. Maybe down the road things will change between you and her, maybe they won't, but I definitely think you are making good choices in the present, which is all you can do in life.


Some know my story but we were separated for three years newly divorced the end of last year. Everything started going down hill for her around the same time during the divorce proceedings.


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## Yeswecan

Man I have been there. My mother gave my number to my XGF/fiance( I was engaged to. She cheated. We split.) The call came about 5 years of not hearing from her or heard anything about her. It was a completely dead part of my life and long since buried. At this juncture I was engaged and my wedding date was set. The idiotic X calls 2 days before my wedding. WTF?? My current fiance answers the phone. I could have killed my mother for providing my number. I'm still of mind my mother was trying ruin my wedding as she never really took a liking to my W. My mother knew what occurred 5 years prior. Wretched person caught with OM by me. My mom hands over my number. Anyway, I was short with my answers. I ask no questions. In under a minute I was off the phone. Next day I get to work and my coworker said a lady named (Xfiance) called and said she was sorry. 

What the hell. I guess it made her feel better and cleared her conscience. :|


I do know this, after what occurred with me, my X went from guy to guy. Got married. Had two kids. Married. Divorced. Probably kept up with the sleeping around is my guess.


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## jb02157

I, lot of times, I have seen ex's of some of my friends come crawling back once they've spent all the money in the divorce settlement and the grass the other side of the hill wasn't as green as they thought it would be. They try to make you sorry for leaving when they were the one who had an affair or insisted that you leave. Good move to change your number right after she called you. You don't need her back in your life. She's the one who killed your marriage.


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## FeministInPink

@Richi300 (and ditto to @Yeswecan) I can't believe that your mother gave out your number like that! For all the negative things about my mom that I put out here on TAM, I will say this: there is no way in hell that my mom would give my phone number to ANYONE save for immediate family. If anyone else is looking for me, she'll take a message, and I might get it eventually, but she is way protective of my privacy. And if my XH called her to try to find me (not that it would happen, I've had the same phone number and email address for over a decade, and they're not changing, like ever), she would lay into him and rip him a new a$$hole before he had a chance to mutter a few sentences. She's not a great parent, but I do have to give her credit where credit is due.

If my mother did what your mom did, I would be calling her up (from a blocked number) and saying, "I had to get a new number because you gave my old number to my crazy XW. Given that you have shown me that I cannot trust you not to distribute my contact information, I will not be giving you my new phone number either, until you have re-earned my trust." Show her there are consequences to her actions.

With the new number, be selective about who you give it to, and give them explicit instructions not to give this new number to ANYONE, NOT EVEN YOUR MOTHER. (You can tell them the story, or not. I would be telling fvcking everyone, but that's just me! You can also just say that "someone" gave out your old number to your crazy XW, and you don't want that happening again, so you are only giving the new number to people you trust to abide by your wishes and not give it out... so if someone asks because they don't have it already, that means you didn't trust them enough to give it.)

Regarding the initial call from the XW, you were quite kind and civil. I think you handled that much better than most other people would. Way to stay strong and logical, because it's obvious that she was testing the waters. If she calls again, you may have to cut her off and tell her there's nothing else to say, and ask her not to contact you again.


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## Rowan

Richi300 said:


> I'm still trying to figure out when to call my mother,.....smh..... Our last conversation she tried telling me marragies go through these kind of hardships.....LIKE WHAT! She loves my ex more than her own son! Lololol.


Ha! She sounds like a friend of mine's mom. Mrs. Wilson is old-school Catholic. She still talks about her daughter's five year old divorce like it's a rough patch that they'll eventually work through....


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## FeministInPink

Rowan said:


> Ha! She sounds like a friend of mine's mom. Mrs. Wilson is old-school Catholic. She still talks about her daughter's five year old divorce like it's a rough patch that they'll eventually work through....


Oy. My grandmother occassionally asks how my XH is, but I can't really get upset with her because she's getting senile and has problems remembering anything anymore. She's begun mixing up her grandkids, so the fact that she remembers that I was married is actually kind of an accomplishment.


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## GusPolinski

Don't think I'd be giving the new number to my mother.


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## sokillme

Richi300 said:


> During New years my ex tried opening up a line of communication via email which I ignored. She also sent another email a week ago saying how sorry she was for everything.... again. I wonder sometimes if there is a cynical force out there pulling the strings laughing at us. I mean I get it but really....why now? Why wait until I'm good with the thought of moving on? Anyways.......
> 
> Last night I received a phone call from a restricted number. I usually don't answer unknown numbers but with it being so late I thought someone in my family my be in trouble.....as you can guess it was my ex. Come to find out......my mother gave her my number. I was pissed...I wanted to hang up but I didnt. To be completely honest it was good to hear her voice. At the same time I didn't want to give her the wrong impression... So I told her to say what she had to and that after the phone call was over that I would be changing my number. Now to paraphrase...
> She explained to me why she stepped out on our marriage, how she attempted suicide after losing her baby, me, and finding out the babies father wasn't who he patrayed himself to be.
> 
> I did my best to be clear and direct with her. Explaining to her that I forgave her (which isn't really true) and taking her life was not the answer. Long story short I told her I know your hurting but it would never be the same between us. That she needed to work on herself and wait for a man that she could start over right with.
> 
> Crazy how the tables turned. And I don't feel vindicated about it. She said she understood my postion but I'm not sure if she actually does. I wanted to tell her how bad she hurt me but choice to take the "high road". Im little pissed off though..I gave her a possible chance for closure when I wasn't given that same opportunity. I'm ready to move on....but at the same time I wanted to stop her and say come home we will figure things out. Deep slow breathes were taken the whole conversation. I want to say I retrieved my power back but it doesn't feel that way.
> 
> At the end it sounded like she wanted to say I love you but said thank you instead. And now looking back on it I'm glad she didn't because everything I said during the conversation woulda been null in void because I think I woulda of said it back. Between us I still do love her very much but I know it would never be the same and its time to move on. Now I have to call my mother and find out what the hell.


Let's look at this situation with some clarity. This is a woman who had an affair and a failed pregnancy with the AP? The level of total disrespect and lack of human decency is really astounding to most people who are not very broken. Could you live with that, could you be such a bad person? With the kind of hurt that would cause. Now with that being said is it any surprise she is calling to try to make herself feel better? Let's just say she still doesn't get the hurt she caused you, is still selfish and shame is not in her wheelhouse. She really is no different than she was, her actions are always me, me, me. She is a badly broken person who you had the unfortunate luck of being tricked into getting involved with because she kept her demons hidden. That is how you need to look at it. Be happy you are out of the crazy. You didn't lose anything of any lasting value when it comes to relationships except time. The more you think about her the more time you are losing. Again move on from the crazy.


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## sokillme

Richi300 said:


> I'm still trying to figure out when to call my mother,.....smh..... Our last conversation she tried telling me marragies go through these kind of hardships.....LIKE WHAT! She loves my ex more than her own son! Lololol.


"Mom, understand me, you cut her out or I am gone. If you don't get it it's not my problem go on SI and read it but this is your last warning". Did your Mom cheat? I am serious that is the only reason I can think she doesn't think this is a big deal. Maybe you should ask her.


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## sokillme

jb02157 said:


> I, lot of times, I have seen ex's of some of my friends come crawling back once they've spent all the money in the divorce settlement and the grass the other side of the hill wasn't as green as they thought it would be. They try to make you sorry for leaving when they were the one who had an affair or insisted that you leave. Good move to change your number right after she called you. You don't need her back in your life. She's the one who killed your marriage.


They truly are broken people, it's why they can do what they do. It is all a part of their issues. For most WS there really isn't' a happy ended for them because they are always stuck with their own poor boundaries and decision making. Again why I never advocate staying. It's not like this stuff is rocket science. Character is character.


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## jb02157

sokillme said:


> She really is no different than she was, her actions are always me, me, me. She is a badly broken person who you had the unfortunate luck of being tricked into getting involved with because *she kept her demons hidden.* That is how you need to look at it. Be happy you are out of the crazy. You didn't lose anything of any lasting value when it comes to relationships except time. The more you think about her the more time you are losing. Again move on from the crazy.


I've run into alot of destructive people who are good at keeping their demons hidden. Unfortunately there's really no way to find out when you'll encounter the next one.


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## jb02157

sokillme said:


> They truly are broken people, it's why they can do what they do. It is all a part of their issues. For most WS there really isn't' a happy ended for them because they are always stuck with their own poor boundaries and decision making. Again why I never advocate staying. It's not like this stuff is rocket science. Character is character.


Absolutely! I would never be able to find a reason to stay after an affair either, nor would I ever recommend it. It's ultimate of deal breakers.


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## Yeswecan

FeministInPink said:


> @Richi300 (and ditto to @Yeswecan) I can't believe that your mother gave out your number like that! For all the negative things about my mom that I put out here on TAM, I will say this: there is no way in hell that my mom would give my phone number to ANYONE save for immediate family. If anyone else is looking for me, she'll take a message, and I might get it eventually, but she is way protective of my privacy. And if my XH called her to try to find me (not that it would happen, I've had the same phone number and email address for over a decade, and they're not changing, like ever), she would lay into him and rip him a new a$$hole before he had a chance to mutter a few sentences. She's not a great parent, but I do have to give her credit where credit is due.


She sure the hell did. That is why I feel my mother was doing something to cause a problem with my then fiance. She did not care for her or her family. My mother knew what happened with the xfiance 5 years prior. Hell, my mother answered the door when my xfiance arrived to return my engagement ring. The xfiance dropped it in my mothers hand. My mother slammed the door before anything could have been said. My mother was an odd ball at time but by and large she was(deceased now) great mom. I overlook some stuff but I learned a lot from my folks as to what NOT to do concerning our children.


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## Diana7

Richi300 said:


> Some know my story but we were separated for three years newly divorced the end of last year. Everything started going down hill for her around the same time during the divorce proceedings.



So you have been apart for some time now, and you need to be firm with her about no more contact. You mum says that 'marriages go through these things', but the fact is that you are not married any more.
It sounds as if because things didn't work out with the new man she is wanting to open communication again. Rather a cheek really. 
Just say you have moved on and can she not contact you again. Tell your mother not to ever give out your number again without your permission.


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## thugkitty

Tough... I don't know what went on between the both of you and I don't know how she/you feel about each other, but things happen in life, we [email protected]&$ up given the right place the right time and the right opportunity, I'm not saying what she did was wrong not saying what you did was wrong, but we're are all only human, we seek love, we also want to give give love, we seek to give and receive love. Because we are human, I still look for closer from last relationship and yet it can not be found. I feel that there are somethings that needs to be delt with as past lover/friends, yes I agree with you "build your own self up" but I also believe both men and women play a big part, as past lovers or friends. Because we are human and we seek love, and support is love at a pure form.

-love and light 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## NextTimeAround

sokillme said:


> "Mom, understand me, you cut her out or I am gone. If you don't get it it's not my problem go on SI and read it but this is your last warning". Did your Mom cheat? I am serious that is the only reason I can think she doesn't think this is a big deal. Maybe you should ask her.


Sometimes having an open honest dialogue with someone is not worth the CO2 that gets produced when talking. OP's mother may be like mine. Just raising the issue will remind her that she hit the OP's trigger. And she will do it again.

Moreover, my mother's excuse was always that she couldn't keep up with my relationships with other people. This includes not only men I dated, but women friends and even a college advisor who screwed on a much needed reference. She still invited my graduation party claiming that she doesn't remember anything about the reference.

OP disassociate yourself from your mother. Don't give her a phone number at least for a couple of years. If she wants to contact you, she will need to message you somehow. And then you call her.

I've gone cool on my mother in the last few years and she's dropped a few antics that I have asked many times not to do (as per the therapist who couldn't understand why that tactic doesn't work, go figure.....)


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## areenhaque26

Richi300 said:


> During New years my ex tried opening up a line of communication via email which I ignored. She also sent another email a week ago saying how sorry she was for everything.... again. I wonder sometimes if there is a cynical force out there pulling the strings laughing at us. I mean I get it but really....why now? Why wait until I'm good with the thought of moving on? Anyways.......
> 
> Last night I received a phone call from a restricted number. I usually don't answer unknown numbers but with it being so late I thought someone in my family my be in trouble.....as you can guess it was my ex. Come to find out......my mother gave her my number. I was pissed...I wanted to hang up but I didnt. To be completely honest it was good to hear her voice. At the same time I didn't want to give her the wrong impression... So I told her to say what she had to and that after the phone call was over that I would be changing my number. Now to paraphrase...
> She explained to me why she stepped out on our marriage, how she attempted suicide after losing her baby, me, and finding out the babies father wasn't who he patrayed himself to be.
> 
> I did my best to be clear and direct with her. Explaining to her that I forgave her (which isn't really true) and taking her life was not the answer. Long story short I told her I know your hurting but it would never be the same between us. That she needed to work on herself and wait for a man that she could start over right with.
> 
> Crazy how the tables turned. And I don't feel vindicated about it. She said she understood my postion but I'm not sure if she actually does. I wanted to tell her how bad she hurt me but choice to take the "high road". Im little pissed off though..I gave her a possible chance for closure when I wasn't given that same opportunity. I'm ready to move on....but at the same time I wanted to stop her and say come home we will figure things out. Deep slow breathes were taken the whole conversation. I want to say I retrieved my power back but it doesn't feel that way.
> 
> At the end it sounded like she wanted to say I love you but said thank you instead. And now looking back on it I'm glad she didn't because everything I said during the conversation woulda been null in void because I think I woulda of said it back. Between us I still do love her very much but I know it would never be the same and its time to move on. Now I have to call my mother and find out what the hell.


Maybe it wasn't a direct closure but in a way you needed that. I know it sounds wierd but this is going to help you move on for good without always thinking "why?" OR wondering if you're ex still thinks about you. Sometimes we need closure with ourselves and our past in order to move towards the future. Think of it as a blessing in disguise, but I will say this though your mom should have given you the heads up. 

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


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## arbitrator

Richi300 said:


> During New years my ex tried opening up a line of communication via email which I ignored. She also sent another email a week ago saying how sorry she was for everything.... again. I wonder sometimes if there is a cynical force out there pulling the strings laughing at us. I mean I get it but really....why now? Why wait until I'm good with the thought of moving on? Anyways.......
> 
> Last night I received a phone call from a restricted number. I usually don't answer unknown numbers but with it being so late I thought someone in my family my be in trouble.....as you can guess it was my ex. Come to find out......my mother gave her my number. I was pissed...I wanted to hang up but I didnt. To be completely honest it was good to hear her voice. At the same time I didn't want to give her the wrong impression... So I told her to say what she had to and that after the phone call was over that I would be changing my number. Now to paraphrase...
> She explained to me why she stepped out on our marriage, how she attempted suicide after losing her baby, me, and finding out the babies father wasn't who he patrayed himself to be.
> 
> I did my best to be clear and direct with her. Explaining to her that I forgave her (which isn't really true) and taking her life was not the answer. Long story short I told her I know your hurting but it would never be the same between us. That she needed to work on herself and wait for a man that she could start over right with.
> 
> Crazy how the tables turned. And I don't feel vindicated about it. She said she understood my postion but I'm not sure if she actually does. I wanted to tell her how bad she hurt me but choice to take the "high road". Im little pissed off though..I gave her a possible chance for closure when I wasn't given that same opportunity. I'm ready to move on....but at the same time I wanted to stop her and say come home we will figure things out. Deep slow breathes were taken the whole conversation. I want to say I retrieved my power back but it doesn't feel that way.
> 
> At the end it sounded like she wanted to say I love you but said thank you instead. And now looking back on it I'm glad she didn't because everything I said during the conversation woulda been null in void because I think I woulda of said it back. Between us I still do love her very much but I know it would never be the same and its time to move on. Now I have to call my mother and find out what the hell.


* @Richi300 ~ I think that you handled the call rather well except that had it been me, I would have unhesitatingly chewed her a$$ out by telling her that the hurt that she flippantly conveyed is still there ... and will always be! 

And that if it is sympathy she is seeking from you, then she would have a better bet finding it in Webster's somewhere between the words of "sh!t" and "syphillis!"

Regarding your Mom, she needs to know that your phone number was there for her exclusive usage only, and not to be her property for publication... more especially to that XW of yours! And that in the future have someone call you who can get in touch with you until she can prove herself worthy and trustable yet again!

Your Mom may well have softened to the point of having forgotten all about what it was that your XW did to you, but she needs to fastly know, in no uncertain terms, that you have not, and likely will never reach that point!*


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## sokillme

NextTimeAround said:


> Sometimes having an open honest dialogue with someone is not worth the CO2 that gets produced when talking. OP's mother may be like mine. Just raising the issue will remind her that she hit the OP's trigger. And she will do it again.
> 
> Moreover, my mother's excuse was always that she couldn't keep up with my relationships with other people. This includes not only men I dated, but women friends and even a college advisor who screwed on a much needed reference. She still invited my graduation party claiming that she doesn't remember anything about the reference.
> 
> OP disassociate yourself from your mother. Don't give her a phone number at least for a couple of years. If she wants to contact you, she will need to message you somehow. And then you call her.
> 
> I've gone cool on my mother in the last few years and she's dropped a few antics that I have asked many times not to do (as per the therapist who couldn't understand why that tactic doesn't work, go figure.....)


raised by narcissists


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## Spicy

DH mom gave his first fiancé (college love) his cellphone number like 15-20 years after they split. He still gets pissed at his mom when the subject comes up, and their relationship didn't even end bad.

I have no clue why anyone who gets asked for someone else's phone number simply doesn't say, "I don't have the right to give out that information, but I can take your number and give them a message that you would like them to call you." So simple.


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## NextTimeAround

sokillme said:


> raised by narcissists


Thanks for the link.


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## Lostinthought61

Hey Rich....I am proud of you...question where is she living...hopefully away from where you are.


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## Richi300

Its been sometime since I wroteon here but I wanted to give an update. So its been going on 5 months now.... My ex and I do not speak which is a good thing. I've lost over 65 pounds working out. I'm starting to look like myself again. Still am wanting to lose a little more before I start trying to gain muscle. But all is going pretty good. I'm not seeing anyone.... I really have no desire for a relationship right now. It feels good being single me right now though. My japanese I've taken up....I'm getting alot better. Shoud be heading there next year if all goes according to planned.... I'm not sure what my ex is doing right now. I know she is back in Puerto Rico....I really feel indifferent about everything so I guess that means I'm actually healing. My new job...man I work with great people.. A few women have told me they thought I was attractive but haven't entertained it at all...lol does feel good through to hear. No one knows about my divorce at my new job....Im trying to make a new life. Finally I'm back into music again and it is so liberating...really missed practicing and creating. But that's what's happening right now. Thanks for all your comments and support. I may not know any of you but you guys helped me alot. Had no one to turn to. Lol speaking of. My mother and I are starting to talk again.....We fell out big time right after explaining to her where I stood with this very topic. I think not hearing from me in 5 months and seeing how happy I am now....she is seeing my ex was not the one. Thanks again guys


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## Betrayedone

Fantastic......Stay the course......


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## chillymorn69

Fist bump!


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## Tatsuhiko

You took the high road in all of this. Good on you.


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