# Decided to become an adoptive parent



## mrshannahj (Nov 5, 2017)

I have been thinking it over a lot lately,decided to become an adoptive parent finally.Went with this option since I can't get pregnant,doctors found my one of my ovaries was not fully developed.Went in and signed the paperwork 3 weeks ago.Background check went well.Know it is a big commitment in life and ready for this.I love kids for who they are and open minded.The social worker I am working with said he might have one in mind for me,a 14 year old boy whom has been looking for a forever home.With him,he is bigender meaning he sees himself as male and female dressing as female one day and male the other day.Went in today and told this social worker I would be the right mom for him.Even met him after work and seen he is looking towards me being his mom.Told him he can be himself at my house.His name is Aaron,goes by Erin when dressed as female and loved seeing my USMC tattoo.Asked me if I served in the Marines and told him yes.His foster mom sees a future with me being his mom.Have tons of support from my family and friends.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Oh, I hope it works out for you and this young wo/man. S/he needs a very special person as an adoptive parent. Best of luck!!!

And I have to say, I am so glad that you are going this route. So many people want to adopt babies... there is literally no shortage of potential parents for the babies. But there are SO many older kids who need a loving home. There's a special place in heaven for people like you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I thought that you were in the middle of a divorce? They usually will not allow a person in the middle of something as devastating as a divorce adopt. Usually they want you to have some time to get your life back together.

I adopted a baby. He was 10 days old when I got him.

While I think it's a wonderful thing that you want to do, it really concerns me that you are looking to adopt a 14 year old. Most kids this age come with big problems, REALLY BIG PROBLEMS. Very few of these sitations work out.

I feel awful for the kids because most of them have been through hell. I've had serveral friends who tried this with teens and it ended badly for every one of them.

Have you done any foster care? Maybe you should try doing foster care for this kid, or for some others his age before you adopt and put yourself on the line like that.


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## mrshannahj (Nov 5, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> I thought that you were in the middle of a divorce? They usually will not allow a person in the middle of something as devastating as a divorce adopt. Usually they want you to have some time to get your life back together.
> 
> I adopted a baby. He was 10 days old when I got him.
> 
> ...


It is going to start after the divorce which is not going to take that long depending how it goes


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## mrshannahj (Nov 5, 2017)

Here is the update,had him for the weekend and started to know him more.Started to know me more as well.Adjusting very well and seeing he will be in a loving home.Loves my Camaro themed garage.I see myself becoming a great mom.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

just be ready for the triggers. you will know what i am talking about when your kid blows up over something that doesn't even make sense. 

also, be on the watch for manipulative behavior. keep a VAR handy the second you see it. i have recorded some threats of false charges before in order to protect myself. after having the recordings, this is what i did:

the next time the she(my 16 year old niece) mentioned calling the police and accusing me of abusing her, i informed her that i already had several recordings of her saying she would do just that, even stating in the recordings that she will get her way because the police would believe a 16 year old girl over a 30 year old man. 

i told her that i have all the proof i need that she was planning to file false charges against me, so i wouldn't even try to stop her from going to the police. i also informed her that since i lived in a one party state, i was free to use those recordings to defend myself in court, and i would make sure to give a copy of all of them to anyone who asked me what really happened. 

she never did call the police. 

you may not have any such thing happen to you, but if you see it, know that you aren't completely helpless.


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## mrshannahj (Nov 5, 2017)

As'laDain said:


> just be ready for the triggers. you will know what i am talking about when your kid blows up over something that doesn't even make sense.
> 
> also, be on the watch for manipulative behavior. keep a VAR handy the second you see it. i have recorded some threats of false charges before in order to protect myself. after having the recordings, this is what i did:
> 
> ...


So far none of this and I have been good to him.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

mrshannahj said:


> So far none of this and I have been good to him.


it didn't show up in my case for several months. not that i really have or had anything against her. she was raised by a meth addict, so i expected some drama. 

still worth it. just don't freak out if it happens. if it does, it isn't the end of the world. understand that i am in no way trying to dissuade you from adopting. my wife and i are going through the process of getting a home study done ourselves, so that we can adopt out of the foster system. in all likelihood, we will adopt a sibling set. 

i think where a lot of the horror stories come from are people who don't foresee the situations that they may face. its hard to navigate a situation if you have never considered that it could even exist to begin with. 

marriage is often like that too.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

mrshannahj said:


> So far none of this and I have been good to him.


Just take things one day at a time, there is always a honeymoon period first. Can you foster him and see how it goes? first? 

Some people we know adopted some young siblings, they made their life hell. 

I am not sure that someone going through a divorce would be considered for adoption in my country. Its takes ages after a divorce before we are emotionally strong again.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

oddly enough, i was told a couple of times that it is often easier for a mother going through a divorce to adopt than it is for a newly married couple to adopt. the idea being that a newly married couple needs to "prove" that they are stable, while it is just assumed that single mothers are capable of providing a stable home. so if the mother is getting the house or already has one, she is sometimes treated as though she is a single woman, especially when she is already legally and physically separated. 

single men get turned down all the time, but that trend seems to have been changing over the last five or so years.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

As'laDain said:


> oddly enough, i was told a couple of times that it is often easier for a mother going through a divorce to adopt than it is for a newly married couple to adopt. the idea being that a newly married couple needs to "prove" that they are stable, while it is just assumed that single mothers are capable of providing a stable home. so if the mother is getting the house or already has one, she is sometimes treated as though she is a single woman, especially when she is already legally and physically separated.
> 
> single men get turned down all the time, but that trend seems to have been changing over the last five or so years.


A lot of this has to do with the age of the child(ren) being adopted. There are about 36 families looking to adopt every infant who is up for adoption. There are not enough people wanting to adopt older children.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> A lot of this has to do with the age of the child(ren) being adopted. There are about 36 families looking to adopt every infant who is up for adoption. There are not enough people wanting to adopt older children.


yep, i heard that too. what i was referring to though, was answers i got specifically when asking about adopting older children out of the foster system. there was no real reason given, just speculation that it might be assumed that first time parents and young couples don't do as well with older children. 

i don't really want to adopt an infant. everyone and their grandmother wants to adopt infants. i would rather adopt the kids that are already so damned confused by life that they don't know which way is up...

the good news, for us at least, is that military families seem to be favored when it comes to adopting older children out of the foster system. so we really shouldn't have a problem.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

As'laDain said:


> yep, i heard that too. what i was referring to though, was answers i got specifically when asking about adopting older children out of the foster system. there was no real reason given, just speculation that it might be assumed that first time parents and young couples don't do as well with older children.
> 
> i don't really want to adopt an infant. everyone and their grandmother wants to adopt infants. i would rather adopt the kids that are already so damned confused by life that they don't know which way is up...
> 
> the good news, for us at least, is that military families seem to be favored when it comes to adopting older children out of the foster system. so we really shouldn't have a problem.


I think that one of the reasons that young couples might be unfavorable for adopting older children is that most young adults are really not experienced enough to handle a lot of the problems that come with older children. Often the older children also do not seem them as "parents" or authority figures.

When I was 23 my then husband and I fostered a 14 year old girl. It was a disaster. She was very damaged and also did not see us as parents. After a few weeks of her crazy behavior she just disappeared. A few months later I got a call from some guy in the middle of the night. He said that she had been living at his apartment and she told him that I was her mother. He said that she showed up one night with some people to party and just stayed there, for weeks, refusing to leave. I called her case worker and had the case worker go pick her up. 

I learned a lot from trying to help this girl. At 14 she just thought that she was all grown up and did not need anyone to care for her. It was sad.


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## SarcasticRed (Feb 21, 2018)

My husband and I have decided that if we have children, we will go the route of older child adoption. The reality is, all children have issues. Parents have biological children with severe medical/mental health issues or disabilities going on. Check out the site Scary Mommy to read some stories that are heartbreaking and inspiring at the same time. Things that parents never "signed up for" but it happens all the time. My parents didn't sign up for a bipolar child who had uncontrolled anger and put them through hell. My friend didn't sign up for an autistic child who may never be independent. Another friend didn't sign up for her daughter to have an emergency at birth that has resulted in severe mental and minor physical disabilities. My neighbor didn't sign up to lose her child to cancer. Among many examples, I had a student whose father didn't sign up to not only lose his wife but have his son develop severe depression to the point of being hospitalized. Or a single mom who had her oldest child develop a seizure disorder. Or the child who started drinking and brought alcohol to school. But it all happened with biological children. It is clear that you are supportive and will provide a safe environment for them. That is more than many non-cisgendered children can say. I think that it sounds like the social worker put a lot of thought into the match. Yes, the newness will wear off and you will have fights and anger. "I hate you" and "You are ruining my life" may be thrown around. Threats will be made. You will stay up late into the night worried about them. But this could happen in any house. Your child has a lot to work through. Get a good counselor ASAP so the relationship is there when (not if, but when) you need them. You can both have individual sessions and family sessions. The road is not easy with any child and I applaud your choice.


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## SarcasticRed (Feb 21, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> .
> 
> When I was 23 my then husband and I fostered a 14 year old girl. It was a disaster.


I cannot imagine the thought process that went into the decision to place a child that old with parents that young. A 9 year age difference is not a parent. It is no surprise she didn't see you as parental figures. The social worker, in my opinion, failed you both by making that match.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SarcasticRed said:


> I cannot imagine the thought process that went into the decision to place a child that old with parents that young. A 9 year age difference is not a parent. It is no surprise she didn't see you as parental figures. The social worker, in my opinion, failed you both by making that match.


Yea, looking back it makes no sense at all. The only thing I can think of is that it was 1972 and the local social workers did not have their act together. I did not even apply to be a foster parent. I knew a social worker and she just thought it was a good idea and the next thing I knew this girl was living with me. I know that this would never happen today.

Now when I adopted my son (as on infant), we went through months of screening. And I was 40 at the time... that was 29 years ago.


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