# What does REAL remorse look like???



## mamabear131617 (Oct 5, 2013)

Just when I start to think Wh is showing remorse then I will read something on here or somewhere else where another WS will say or do the same thing only to be described as "not showing real remorse". So what does real remorse look like?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

A truly remorseful wayward is a changed person. They WANT to help you recover - they never tell you to just get over it. They actively seek out ways to help you when you trigger or have a bad day. They willingly get rid of anything you need them to that reminds you of what they did. They want to go to MC and IC. They apologize over and over - maybe more than you want them to. They are humble. Their life is an open book - you have all their passwords etc. and you have them because they willingly gave them to you. They want to go on dates with you and woo you again. They truly want things to mend, and they take very visible steps towards that goal, both with you and on their own.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> A truly remorseful wayward is a changed person. They WANT to help you recover - they never tell you to just get over it. They actively seek out ways to help you when you trigger or have a bad day. They willingly get rid of anything you need them to that reminds you of what they did. They want to go to MC and IC. They apologize over and over - maybe more than you want them to. They are humble. Their life is an open book - you have all their passwords etc. and you have them because they willingly gave them to you. They want to go on dates with you and woo you again. They truly want things to mend, and they take very visible steps towards that goal, both with you and on their own.


I agree with all the above, but beyond those demonstrations of remorse, it's more. You know your husband more than anyone here could possibly know him. Trust your own feelings about him. When you look him in the eyes, do you sense it? Do you feel it?

There's no such thing as being perfectly remorseful. WS's shouldn't be held to such an unreachable standard because everyone has their flaws. They should be allowed to make mistakes from time to time. 

But not too many.


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## mamabear131617 (Oct 5, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> A truly remorseful wayward is a changed person. They WANT to help you recover - they never tell you to just get over it. They actively seek out ways to help you when you trigger or have a bad day. They willingly get rid of anything you need them to that reminds you of what they did. They want to go to MC and IC. They apologize over and over - maybe more than you want them to. They are humble. Their life is an open book - you have all their passwords etc. and you have them because they willingly gave them to you. They want to go on dates with you and woo you again. They truly want things to mend, and they take very visible steps towards that goal, both with you and on their own.


Okay, well good. It appears my Wh does show true remorse. He has done all those things and more. He's even looking for another job since the cheating took place at work. It took awhile to get here though. For the first month after D-day there seemed to be a lot of rug-sweeping, avoiding, and "I don't knows". In the past month he has changed a lot because I think it finally hit him how badly he hurt me.


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## mamabear131617 (Oct 5, 2013)

I think the number one reason I still have a hard time believing he is remorseful is because I feel like he is still hiding something. He may very well be telling me the total truth but still seems unlikely. What are the odds that I caught him the two times he did something wrong and that's all there was??? All that I know, I found out on my own. He hasn't confessed anything more. Not one piece of information. He claims that is all there is to know. He also claims it meant nothing and there were no true intentions but reading the messages it seemed very clear there were intentions. 

His actions are getting better and I do feel he is remorseful but is that enough without the total truth?


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

mamabear131617 said:


> I think the number one reason I still have a hard time believing he is remorseful is because I feel like he is still hiding something. He may very well be telling me the total truth but still seems unlikely. What are the odds that I caught him the two times he did something wrong and that's all there was??? All that I know, I found out on my own. He hasn't confessed anything more. Not one piece of information. He claims that is all there is to know. He also claims it meant nothing and there were no true intentions but reading the messages it seemed very clear there were intentions.
> 
> His actions are getting better and I do feel he is remorseful but is that enough without the total truth?


My wife had the same doubts. I insisted on doing a polygraph to ease her mind. 

Ask your spouse to do a polygraph. They cost anywhere from $200 to $600 dollars.

First have a psychologist evaluate him to ensure he does not have the type of personality disorder which would enable him to pass a poly even though he is not truthful.


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## mamabear131617 (Oct 5, 2013)

remorseful strayer said:


> My wife had the same doubts. I insisted on doing a polygraph to ease her mind.
> 
> Ask your spouse to do a polygraph. They cost anywhere from $200 to $600 dollars.
> 
> First have a psychologist evaluate him to ensure he does not have the type of personality disorder which would enable him to pass a poly even though he is not truthful.


Well.....here's the thing. I do believe he has narcisstic tenedencies. I don't think he has a full fledge disorder but he does display some traits. It is something I always think about when it comes to believing him. I've only ever caught him in one lie, when I confronted him with the messages. The ONLY reason I knew he was lying is because I had the evidence.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

Sometimes they lie to their spouses AND the affair partners. So the "intentions" that you saw in the messages that you read could have been a lot of baloney that was just to help him get into her pants or keep the affair hot. Who knows if that's what was actually going on - but I know once they're in the fog and they get to lying, it just goes with the territory.

Will we ever trust them like we did before? Of course not. I think that level of trust starts out at rock bottom as R starts, and it slowly starts to creep up so that a couple years or so from now, if we're lucky and they do the hard work to help us heal, it MIGHT get up into the 90% range. But that trust issue is a problem in the early months, even when they're truly remorseful. 

Badmemory is right - nobody is perfect, so expect a stumble here and there. And if he's ill or has a medical problem, be especially understanding that he won't be operating at his best. But he does need to show EFFORT and signs of real CHANGE.

I've asked my husband to read some things, including things that said that you can't apologize too often, so I get a lot of apologies, and that definitely helps. FEELING remorseful is great but I think expressing it often in words is one thing that shows EFFORT.


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

Great question. Most recovered couples (that I have encountered on TAM) say you know real remorse/recovery when you see it. That your gut gets it. 

Now that I have my own car and am mentally itching to separate, my husband has been treating me better and trying more than before. But to me, it doesn't feel like total remorse. He says he has changed. I don't think it's revolutionary change.

If it was, he would attend sex addicts anonymous mtgs (as I requested), talk about the issue/apologize without my bring it up, not get crabby when I arbitrarily ask for his phone to check it, and show me how it hurts him to see me struggling in grad school and depressed. He wouldn't say that he's trying but that whenever he tries, I bring up the negatives and make him less motivated to try. 

He does bring me chocolate cake, helps out extra around the house, has done lots of favors, is spending less time out and more at home, and lets me do whatever I want to do. I can't tell if he is done with his craigslist pursuits or not. He could be deleting history on his phone. I don't care to check anymore. He can hide it if he really wants. I feel like he is trying just enough to keep me, but not enough to help me fully recover. :-(

I wish there was a remorse test, but alas, we must endure uncertainty and rely on our imperfect human judgment. I'd trust myself more if I wasn't so scarred.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

mamabear131617 said:


> I think the number one reason I still have a hard time believing he is remorseful is because I feel like he is still hiding something. He may very well be telling me the total truth but still seems unlikely. What are the odds that I caught him the two times he did something wrong and that's all there was???


Listen to your gut. It's not often wrong.


> All that I know, I found out on my own. He hasn't confessed anything more. Not one piece of information. He claims that is all there is to know. He also claims it meant nothing and there were no true intentions but reading the messages it seemed very clear there were intentions.


 Exactly what my WH said. They call it cheaterspeak on here. Turns out I didn't have the truth. Not saying you don't but you certainly sound unsure. 
Your thread should read 
*"I'm in R but I feel I'm not getting the truth. How do I get it?".* 
You will get a lot more responses with that title and I think that may be what you are asking in any case.


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## mamabear131617 (Oct 5, 2013)

********** said:


> Listen to your gut. It's not often wrong. Exactly what my WH said. They call it cheaterspeak on here. Turns out I didn't have the truth. Not saying you don't but you certainly sound unsure.
> Your thread should read
> *"I'm in R but I feel I'm not getting the truth. How do I get it?".*
> You will get a lot more responses with that title and I think that may be what you are asking in any case.


I will change it because this is something that is really on my mind right now. Thank you.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Hahaha I've never seen it 

When you find out let me know as I sure ain't ever gonna get it from my very stbxw


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

mamabear131617 said:


> Just when I start to think Wh is showing remorse then I will read something on here or somewhere else where another WS will say or do the same thing only to be described as "not showing real remorse". So what does real remorse look like?


I thought about your post, then I realised I haven't a clue as I never got any remorse. Oh, I got "sorry" but remorse? Maybe not.


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