# Bringing children into an unhappy marriage



## Ned (Jun 14, 2011)

I'm on year 12 of a marriage that has never been very happy and during the last few years has been leaning towards divorce. We've had all sorts of problems throughout our marriage and nearly divorced many times. I could drone on endlessly about all the crises and terrible dramas we've had, but suffice to say it all really boils down to us being two very different people. My wife and I just simply don't get along; all our awful fights and problems have all really stemmed from that. Most people would say we're incompatible; psychologists would say we're "co-dependent".

Yet we endure, because we share the same values and beliefs, because we know that we're both good people, because sexual attraction is still very much there, and because we always hoped we'd work out our problems and have a family.

So here's the thing. We acknowledge that our marriage has never been a happy one, but we both very much want to have children. At my wife's age, it's now or never. If we don't have a child now, the window will close on my wife. We're in a great position financially & we'd have an abundance of child-rearing help from family (including empty-nester MIL who'd love to move in with us & help raise baby). 

In short we have all the right ingredients to start a family, except for one thing - each other. I have no doubt we would both be good parents and love any child to death. But for my wife and I, so much water has gone under the bridge that I believe our love is dead. But does have mean my wife and I can't have a family, love a child, enjoy that very important part of life, just because we don't make a good couple?

I don't want to be my wife's husband, but I do very much want to be a father. I could divorce and throw everything away, on the vague hope that I may someday fall in love and start a new family. But at 40 I'm a bit old for that. And what of my wife? If we divorced, with her child-bearing years over, she wouldn't have time to buildup a new relationship and have a child with somebody else. She would be forever denied the dream of bringing a baby into this world. She would have wasted the best years of her life on me. I feel very guilty thinking about that.

I don't know; it's a mess. I'm sure some of you had children in unhappy marriages or co-parented children as ex-husband and ex-wife. Am I crazy to even consider bringing a child into an unhappy marriage? Is divorced co-parenting really that horrible? I would appreciate any stories or advice... we're at the important crossroads of our lives and don't know what to do...


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

This is a tough call because of all the fights and near divorces that you two have had. Children WILL add to the fights because it's one more responsibility added on.

From what you say, I really think you're to the point where "ONE more straw will break the Camels back". You ARE on a "teeter totter"!

In regards to having children, just be aware that if you have them and then get divorced, she's is likely to end up with them and you having to pay child support and maybe even alimony.

If you divorce while the children are very young (up to three), it won't be as devastating for them because they forget easily. But at ages 4 and above, they will remember and hold it against you for leaving them. I know... been there, done that!

So if you're doing this just for the sake of your wife when divorce is looming just around the corner, you'd better think long and hard about it! You WILL be on the losing end if the divorce happens. Like I said ... Been there, done that!

DO A REALITY check and be honest about the likely hood of a divorce. Then go from there.

Oh Yeah! Children WILL NOT keep a family together if you're thinking in those terms. I thought so too, but only to wind up divorced and without my kids ... NOT a happy conclusion!

Here's a gut wrenching reality: When my daughter was getting married, she asked me NOT TO ATTEND her wedding because it would UPSET her step father! Think about this and other issues that may come up where you're on the outside looking in.

One more thing: I've known men in their 50's still having children and being happy. Now that we're living longer, it's not a big issue.

Good Luck in whatever you decide.


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## Betty Betty (Apr 13, 2011)

Ned, I can really sympathize with your situation. I am in my late 20’s and I am getting separated. I really want kids and a family, but not at the cost of my own happiness. I am still separating from my husband knowing that it may mean I will never have the family I always dreamed of. Not only do I know that children add to your problems, not solve them, but I also know that our relationship would be the example for them. I would want my children to have a loving happy relationship as the model for their future relationships . Not to mention if you do decide to divorce after children you will have a very hard time getting along with their mother, and who knows how this could affect your relationship with your kids. You guys already don’t get along, add the stress of children and a divorce to that and you could end up trying to raise children with someone you despise. Then wait till you see some of the traits you despise in her in your kids. As a man you are fortunate to have the opportunity to date someone younger who will not have a high risk pregnancy. You can’t let fear of the unknown keep you in an unhealthy relationship. The sooner you get out and start living your life for yourself the sooner you could meet not only the future mother of your children, but someone who you would love to spend the rest of your life with. The previous poster also made a valid point in saying if you guys have kids and divorce then both remarry that man would likely raise your children anyway. Or your future wife could walk away before you get a chance because of all your baggage or because of your baby mama drama. Also just a little food for thought the average age of single people in my area is now 29, that means there are plenty of single ladies out there looking to start a family. The fact you are financially stable and looking for something real gives you a lot of options, if you choose to put yourself out there??? The woman of your dreams could be passing you by while you waste time in an unhappy marriage.


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## wunderbar (May 30, 2011)

Please, no, don't do it.

It's hard to communicate, but - children bring an incredible amount of stress to your life. Imagine then also becoming attached to this little special being then having them ripped from your life due to a divorce. Along with that will also mean alimony and child support.

Also, from a practical standpoint, your fertility is fine - you can go on and have kids in the next, hopefully better, relationship. If you get a divorce its no longer your concern whether or not she decides to or can have children.

Go to counseling now and stay in it until it ends or things get better and if you do become parents. Because you will absolutely need it to survive the transition into parenthood. Good luck.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

"Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way"


-Tolstoy


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## Ned (Jun 14, 2011)

Kauaiguy said:


> In regards to having children, just be aware that if you have them and then get divorced, she's is likely to end up with them and you having to pay child support and maybe even alimony.


Child support is fine although alimony would be rediculous (my wife is a career gal whose income is actually slightly higher than mine). With her making more than me could I still be forced to pay alimony? Even if my wife had a child, she would go back to work within months as her mother would be living with us to take care of baby during the day.



> Here's a gut wrenching reality: When my daughter was getting married, she asked me NOT TO ATTEND her wedding because it would UPSET her step father!


I feel really bad for you hearing that. That's one life experience I never want to have.


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## Ned (Jun 14, 2011)

I really appreciate you all sharing your thoughts and experiences. I I know it sounds irresponsible of me to even consider bringing children into an unhappy marriage. The main reasons I've been thinking it might work are:

1) MIL is a very sweet lady who would happily move in with us and would no doubt be a HUGE help in childrearing. I really like my mother-in-law; she loves kids and is very nice to have around.

2) I don't want to destroy my wife's only chance to be a mother. I want out of this marriage but I feel absolutely horrible about leaving her childless and alone. If I leave, there will not be sufficient time for her to recover emotionally, start a new relationship and have children. It would be too late by then. And no, she's not the sort to just go out and get herself knocked up by some stranger. She would never do that. So this is her last chance. If we divorce now, she will never be a mother.

This is why I've been contemplating the idea that we have a child together. I feel like even if we're headed for divorce, I owe her this much. I know we would be good parents, even if we were co-parenting as ex-husband and ex-wife. I also know my MIL's presence in the home would make things so much easier for my wife and child in the event we did get divorced. 

This is my rationalization. Does this make any sense, or do you all still think I'm nuts?


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## Betty Betty (Apr 13, 2011)

I guess it kind of makes sense. Although you would want to make sure that your wife agrees, because if she is totally caught off guard by this and you already have kids that great co-parenting relationship you seem to have could go down the tubes with your marriage, and that great mother in law you speak of is most definitely going to take her daughters side. Then all you have is two hateful women filling your children’s heads with negative thoughts feelings about you. Be very careful it sounds like a ticking time bomb to me.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Ned,
This is an ugly one. If you are typical for a male and she is typical for a female:
1. If you stay and have a baby her happiness level will rise and yours will fall. 
2. If you divorce her, (assuming you have a good job), you will find a more compatible spouse and have kids, she will have to sacrifice quality to fit someone into a very narrow window of time and have kids.

It is odd for 2 people who have strong shared values and strong mutual attraction to frequently be on the bring of divorce. What is it you primarily fight about:
Money (you mention being in good/great financial shape)
Sex (you mention the attraction)
Religion (if your values align, why would you fight about that)
Family (you mention your MIL moving in - so why would you fight about that)

In short I can't figure out why you are so incompatible.....




Ned said:


> I'm on year 12 of a marriage that has never been very happy and during the last few years has been leaning towards divorce. We've had all sorts of problems throughout our marriage and nearly divorced many times. I could drone on endlessly about all the crises and terrible dramas we've had, but suffice to say it all really boils down to us being two very different people. My wife and I just simply don't get along; all our awful fights and problems have all really stemmed from that. Most people would say we're incompatible; psychologists would say we're "co-dependent".
> 
> Yet we endure, because we share the same values and beliefs, because we know that we're both good people, because sexual attraction is still very much there, and because we always hoped we'd work out our problems and have a family.
> 
> ...


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## Ned (Jun 14, 2011)

Betty Betty said:


> I guess it kind of makes sense. Although *you would want to make sure that your wife agrees*, because if she is totally caught off guard by this and you already have kids that great co-parenting relationship you seem to have could go down the tubes with your marriage, and that great mother in law you speak of is most definitely going to take her daughters side. Then all you have is two hateful women filling your children’s heads with negative thoughts feelings about you. Be very careful it sounds like a ticking time bomb to me.


I haven't been allowing myself to think that way. Perhaps I'm being naive. When I really think about it, I have to admit this scenario is quite possible.



MEM11363 said:


> Ned,
> This is an ugly one. If you are typical for a male and she is typical for a female:
> 1. *If you stay and have a baby her happiness level will rise and yours will fall. *
> 2. If you divorce her, (assuming you have a good job), you will find a more compatible spouse and have kids, she will have to sacrifice quality to fit someone into a very narrow window of time and have kids.


That's an interesting perspective, what you said about how kids affect men & women's happiness levels differently. Just curious why do say this?



> It is odd for 2 people who have strong shared values and strong mutual attraction to frequently be on the bring of divorce. What is it you primarily fight about:
> Money (you mention being in good/great financial shape)
> Sex (you mention the attraction)
> Religion (if your values align, why would you fight about that)
> ...


Yeah, neither can I! 

All I know is we're a disaster together, and we haven't managed to find peace in 12 years. I doubt we ever will. We just seem fundamentally incompatible. We are two completely different personality types (she's crazy, I'm sane lol j/k).


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## wunderbar (May 30, 2011)

Maybe this will help: do you have any friends that have kids and divorced? I would sit down with one of them and have a real heart to heart, frank conversation about the realities of having children.

I had a really good relationship with my husband before we had children. The first few months after having kids was also ok, but then we hit rocks and its been downhill ever since. We are separated and our son is 1 1/2. To say our son had nothing to do with our break up is definitely a lie - but I will never tell our son that fact. In my relationship, we both are unhappier than we were before having children. There are highlights, but mostly we had no time for anything we once enjoyed and when we tried to do things as a family more often than not it ended up being a disaster or exhausting making me (and him) feel even more defeated.

So now we are moving into the co-parenting sphere and its hard. I still maintain a good relationship with my husband and want him to be involved, but even then, he will only see our son less than 20% of the time and he has already missed milestones. Someday I may need to move for work, and if I do, he will see even less of our son. He is a child of divorce and - in his words - "I will miss most of the next 17 years of our son's life." The other part is considering the child's well being - you are basically guaranteeing that your child grows up in a broken home with a Mother that may or may not be emotionally stable for years to come post-break up.

That being said - my first advice was for you to try counseling now and then see what happens. If counseling doesn't help, I would leave the relationship. There is no need to bring children into a bad situation. Both of you can go on to have kids. My mother had me at 36 (in the 80s) - today many women in my area have kids well into their mid-forties and fifties. Fertility is not a good enough reason to have kids in a bad situation.

Have you told your wife that you are on the verge of leaving? Does she know you are this unhappy? If so, I would doubt she would want children right now. The prospect of being a single Mom is not exactly what any woman hopes for. The break up of my family has been the hardest experience I've ever gone through - its hurts for me and I hurt for my son and what he is losing too.


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

Don't say you weren't warned bro. My best buddy knocked up his wife just as they got divorced (0ne last fling), and now is suffering the consequences.

The child was raised in an unhappy environment and she grew up involved with gangs and are now into drugs. She is now 16 years old and constantly gets into trouble.

Her mother can no longer handle her so he wound up with the child, but both he and her mother is no longer in control of the child.

This situation is not uncommon with children who were raised in a broken home.

Unfortunately people DON'T listen when friends and relatives warn them of things they see that are forthcoming. 


They seem to think that their situation is somehow DIFFERENT and they can control the outcome. I have a feeling that you are about to become one of them.

Good Luck Bro


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I think it's selfish and I don't say that lightly.


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## Ned (Jun 14, 2011)

There's no need to mince words here; I respect what you all are saying even when you're bashing me. I don't know what to do and this is why I'm here on this forum. Sometimes we need a good slap in the face to get back to reality...


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Let me put it this way. The last thing parents should have had was children.


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## Ned (Jun 14, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Let me put it this way. The last thing parents should have had was children.


Your parents? 'Tis a bit ironic...


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Yes, my parents are/were horrible parents. The last thing they should have pursued is having children. Or even being married for that matter. And what's even worse is that my mother lamented not being able to have more children. As if the world needs more broken dysfunctional miserable unhappy people. So they 'wanted' more kids, and could not have been more indifferent, incurious or uninvolved with the kids they had. We should have been raised by wolves.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Ned said:


> I really appreciate you all sharing your thoughts and experiences. I I know it sounds irresponsible of me to even consider bringing children into an unhappy marriage. The main reasons I've been thinking it might work are:
> 
> 1) MIL is a very sweet lady who would happily move in with us and would no doubt be a HUGE help in child rearing. I really like my mother-in-law; she loves kids and is very nice to have around.
> 
> ...


Ned you sound like a good man so I'm going to be a friend and tell it to you straight. I was you two years ago with my STBXW. I thought a kid might help our terrible marriage. Whatever problems you think you have now will be magnified 10X when a child is introduced because the amount of stress a child creates is overwhelming. The first couple of years will test your relationship to the limits. If you are already on shaky ground I guarantee you will be treated like dirt. You will become a "useful idiot" and you will find yourself questioning every day "Why did I do this?" I even remember contemplating suicide because I felt I royally screwed up. 

Don't get me wrong, I love our boy VERY much but I made the mistake of having him with a emotionally unstable woman who could barely get through the day without some small issue destroying her life.

I have always wanted to be a father, I just wish I had my boy with a good wife and mother. I choose poorly. Its my fault.

If you give this to her you are exposing yourself to legal, health, spiritual and financial issues. 

I was you years ago, I had everything setup with MIL but once we brought our son home I was just a paycheck or an errand boy. 

In conclusion, please listen to the posters here and your own internal logic. DO NOT, PLEASE DO NOT make the same mistake I did. I now have to settle on seeing my son half the time I'm used to. I miss him dearly and if you are a good dad you will miss your kid so much it hurts. 

Do the right thing and either get MC and fix these issues or get a divorce and find a compatible partner.


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## Ned (Jun 14, 2011)

Wow... thanks for your advice, and I wish you the best of luck with your situation. Sounds like you've been through a lot my friend.


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## David_H (Apr 15, 2010)

Ned, I am in a very similar position. Although we don't fight, and on the surface we seem to be a normal couple, underneath there is no real love. But like you my wife wants children and she is in her early 40's. You said:



> I don't want to destroy my wife's only chance to be a mother. I want out of this marriage but I feel absolutely horrible about leaving her childless and alone. If I leave, there will not be sufficient time for her to recover emotionally, start a new relationship and have children. It would be too late by then. And no, she's not the sort to just go out and get herself knocked up by some stranger. She would never do that. So this is her last chance. If we divorce now, she will never be a mother.


I do care enough about my wife not to want to destroy her life completely, and this is EXACTLY why I have stayed with her and gone along with her desire for a child - we have been trying IVF treatment for the past few years without success, but to my relief though I feel terrible about saying that, but I also feel a terrible guilt at not having separated from her much sooner when she would have had a chance at another relationship.

To be honest I don't have a clue whether its more ethical to carry on and possibly have a child in a loveless marriage, or to separate now and probably deny her the chance of motherhood. I just wanted you to know that you are not the only one with this terrble dilemma.


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