# Husband texting with female co-worker, am I overreacting due to past or just cause??



## bbk41 (May 30, 2017)

Sorry this got a bit long

I will give a little background information. I was married to my first husband for 8ish years. He had always worked in male only environments. Then he took a job where females also worked and not even being employed there a full 2 months he was cheating on me with a married woman.

Shocked me and I would have never ever dreamed of something like this from this man in my entire life. I left him immediately, cheating is a deal breaker for me.

Fast forward I met my now husband and we have been married a few years he also worked in a male only environment until 3 years ago. Then he took a job working where females also are employed. I was instantly scared due to what happened to me in my past with my ex. We spoke about it and he said you just have to trust me.

He had never given me any reason not to so just take it day by day. Fast forward!!

The winter of 2015. I found some texts & calls on my husbands phone from a female co-worker and I thought oh no here I go again.

Well my husband is part owner of a dairy business and they sold her a calf so that's what these calls & texts pertained to. He let read them and it was all innocent.

This female co-worker is very young like almost 20 years younger than my husband she could be his daughter. But ever since then it seems she is always finding reasons to contact him.

It seems innocent enough but it makes my blood boil. It is usually pertaining to her calf she bought but I still don't like it. She texts him on spring break when school isn't in session to ask about his school program which has nothing to do her.

One day he came home and was showing me something on his phone of some odd person that called and my eyes totally moved over that because I seen she had called this was about a month ago, I commented "I see your girlfriend is calling you again".
He didn't like it, he said I don't have a girlfriend, only a wife and that's you!!

He also told me then that she is weird, and that she was down in his area speaking to him one day with her boss telling him all about the Bible and the "Acts" in the Bible. And how she has no time for a boyfriend and doesn't need one she has God, why would you be telling a married man this????

Also why is she going out of her way to bake cake for one of my husbands students when it's their birthday.

It just makes me very uncomfortable. My husband is to nice of a guy. He can't set boundaries with his own students and he wouldn't know if she was trying something. I feel he could be in trouble before he knew it. One night we went to a fast food place a this girl was hitting in him right in front of me. I thought it was funny because he was totally clueless. But it scares me with this situation.

I seen she was recently texting him again about her calf. 

I don't know if I don't trust him, her, or both of them. Or if this has more to do with me and what happened to me in the past with my ex husband.

My husband and I have spoke about it awhile ago and he just says I need to trust him. I worry if I keep brining this up and he hasn't done anything or had no intentions on doing anything I could create my own self-fulfilling prophecy. To where he would be like ok you constantly accused me of cheating and I wasn't and that's what you wanted so fine. Like plant the seed.

And I don't know if I want to bring it up again that I seen she was texting him and calling. This is during school and after. And even now that school is out. I don't want him to think I am constantly snooping and checking in him because I don't I just had a nagging feeling. I hadn't looked at our phone stuff in months.

Is this just a me thing or should I be concerned??

How should I proceed?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

We need to establish something here before we go any further... He is not your first husband.

Did you have counselling after your divorce? If so, you might need more, if you didn't, then you definitely need some, now.

It's possible he may cheat, it's even possible you may cheat, who knows?

But he and you probably will not cheat. 

And who would have that kind of conversation about Jesus? People who love Jesus so much they just have to share. 

You are not actually coping with infidelity, you are coping with the fear of infidelity and the memory of infidelity, a nasty "gift" that your first husband left you as an unwelcome part of the divorce settlement.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Is there anyway you can answer the text to let her know you know and in a firm but polite way ask her to stop contacting your H over an animal that is no longer a calf!


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

it does seem you are overly sensitive to this. if i were you, i would try very hard to not dwell on this in my mind anymore.

Unless there is some indication that it is going beyond just friendly texts about a cow


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I also think that you're a little over-sensitive on this issue. Probably the only thing that you can do is be totally honest with your husband that you have had a incident similar to this in your past and it cause an affair and divorce and that you need his help to assure you that it won't happen to you again. Assure him that you don't think that he will but there have been situations that have occurred that you have been uncomfortable with.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

bbk41 said:


> Well my husband is part owner of a dairy farm and they sold her a calf so that's what these calls & texts pertained to. He let me read them and it was all innocent.
> 
> This female co-worker is very young like almost 20 years younger than my husband she could be his daughter. But ever since then it seems she is always finding reasons to contact him.


It definitely seems like you are projecting. You let your ex husband hurt you once, don't do it again by letting the past come back to haunt you.

Could this co-worker be after your husband? It's possible, some women are REALLY into older men but the bottom line is do you TRUST him or not?

If he's never given you a reason otherwise then you ought to give him the benefit of the doubt. The text messages for now appear to be business related.

Might not hurt to pay your husband a visit at work and plant a big fat smooch on him right in front of her and if she reacts jealously then I'd have hubby go no contact.


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## bbk41 (May 30, 2017)

Thank you so much everyone for the replies so far. I was thinking I was being over sensitive about this. I just might have to show up and his work like one of you mentioned. Great thoughts, I appreciate them so much!!!


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, I'm a university professor, 27 years in my job. Your husband is in a teaching position such as mine. I do not text nor phone any of my colleagues, other than very important situations like committee work. It seems like your husband's situation is that his colleagial situation or work situation has now spilled outside his workspace. You need to seriously sit him down and talk about your situation. You have been down this road with your first marriage. By the way, how old are you and your husband?


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I do not think you are over reacting. These days we sometimes talk to coworkers more than we do our spouses. Coworkers always take our side and do not nag us to take out the trash or do this or that. My female married boss had an affair with our CEO. My former boss had an affair with the office manager. My first love and ex-fiance cheated on me with a guy she worked with. The next ex girlfriend cheated on me with someone who worked in the Army with her and my best friend. After those two experiences I learned to have a healthy dose of mistrust when it comes to the sex. Once attractions and emotions come into play, humans tend to make bad choices. Something I have experienced on both sides of that coin. 

Personally I would not be happy if my wife had a male friend or was emailing or texting a man, especially after a good friend of ours left her husband for her boss. Her husband never questioned why she worked so late, or why all of a sudden she had to go out of town for business trips or conventions. I traveled a third of each year with co-workers and saw what they did when away from their spouses, both male and female. Monogamy is not the natural state of most species. Only species with a society are monogamous as monogamy brings order to society, not by natural impulse.

I made the mistake when I was younger of thinking the women I loved would never cheat on me, as did many husbands and wives I knew. The cheating rate is as high or higher than the divorce rate these days, with all the easy access through social media and a lot more women in the workplace than there was when I was a young man. I am not naive as I was in my younger days. If my wife was texting or chatting with a guy online, I would put an end to that real quick, but that is just me and based on my personal experience in these matters. A married spouse has no business communicating with the opposite sex after work. The only business I can think of is monkey business. Just tell him that you are not comfortable with what he is doing and to please stop. However, that may only make him more careful about it. I know that some will say that a wife should be able to have any friends she wants, but just wait and see what she does if you start having female friends. I bet she will not like it. 

There are a lot of guys who just like the attention and would never act on anything but they are guys communicating with women they do not see daily. I think the statistics for people who found their mates at work is fairly high, at least it was in my day. I just read online that 15-20% of couples had sexual relationships with people they met at school or at work. In other words, in places that are not specific for meeting sexual partners but rather that puts people in close contact with others often.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

He needs to man up and end the conversation. He needs to tell her to never contact him again. Ask that he block her and if he contacts her again, all hell will break lose.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

bbk41 said:


> My husband and I have spoke about it awhile ago and he just says I need to trust him.
> How should I proceed?


I would take his phone and forward one of her texts to yourself. Then I would reply to her text and say "Hi, this is bbk, I'm Mr. bbk's wife. I'm glad you are enjoying the calf you bought from us. But Mr. bbk is really busy and I'm helping him, so I'm going to handle any further conversations. You have my number now. Feel free to contact me whenever you have any more questions or comments. Bye!"


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

turnera said:


> I would take his phone and forward one of her texts to yourself. Then I would reply to her text and say "Hi, this is bbk, I'm Mr. bbk's wife. I'm glad you are enjoying the calf you bought from us. But Mr. bbk is really busy and I'm helping him, so I'm going to handle any further conversations. You have my number now. Feel free to contact me whenever you have any more questions or comments. Bye!"


Or say you have heard so much about the calf that you want to visit it, with your husband.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

I think you're very right to be concerned about this woman texting your husband, especially since she's finding reasons to continue to privately communicate with him. As for your reaction, I wouldn't be sarcastic or angry with your husband- I'd simply tell him it bothers you so it needs to stop. As his wife, you're entitled to let him know it's not ok with you. This woman feels comfortable enough to try to engage with your husband privately. This is how affairs start, even if your husband doesn't realize it. Listen to your gut. Your past experience isn't clouding your judgement; it's helping you make informed decisions.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
It would appear that you are allowing past experiences to color present circumstances. Your ex and your current are not the same man so to expect the behavior of your ex from your current is irrational. If there was some corroborating evidence to support your suspicions then it would warrant further concern however you have indicated on more than one instance that it was all innocent.

It is somewhat troubling however that your H would not, of his own accord, offer to sever ties to this woman but it is also quite possible that he simply detects no threat whatsoever and therefore does not place the emphasis on the similarities that you do because of you past experience. It is important to have trust in a relationship and if you do not trust your H then it would be prudent to sit and discuss the issue with him. If you cannot build trust then you will forever be doubting and harboring suspicion which will, in and of itself, erode the relationship.

If you and he cannot work through this to the point that you can trust him then it will cause serious harm to the marriage.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Well. I do think your husband should be more responsive to your concerns. Even if he did not realize she is being overly friendly, which she is, when you showed concern he should not, as my wife says while reading this, "blow you off." I would have said it more diplomatically, but that is what he did. He did not show your concern the respect I think he should have.

My wife looks through my phone nearly every night. I think she's just bored, but I don't worry about why. She enjoys doing it. If she showed any concern over any of the texts or calls I ever receive, I would address it in the very best way to allay any fears or concerns she may have. I certainly wouldn't tell her she just has to trust me, and don't worry about it. Even though I know there is nothing to worry about. That seems especially important since your husband must be aware of your issues with your first husband.

Surely he is more concerned with assuring you, rather than telling you how wrong you are for being worried?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

MattMatt said:


> Or say you have heard so much about the calf that you want to visit it, with your husband.


Perfect! That way, you're making it clear you and your H are a TEAM, there's no room for her in it, but you are still showing grace and humor and no anger. Winning combination.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

turnera said:


> I would take his phone and forward one of her texts to yourself. Then I would reply to her text and say "Hi, this is bbk, I'm Mr. bbk's wife. I'm glad you are enjoying the calf you bought from us. But Mr. bbk is really busy and I'm helping him, so I'm going to handle any further conversations. You have my number now. Feel free to contact me whenever you have any more questions or comments. Bye!"


I really like this suggestion. If the girl is smart she will get the hint, even if she just has bad boundaries and isn't trying to seduce your husband. It also gets your husband out of the loop.

You also need to have a conversation with your husband that you expect this to never happen again, and for him to keep business or professional transactions short and sweet, and not progress to anything personal if the other person is female.

William's idea to look through his phone regularly might help ease your anxiety or questions of your husband's fidelity.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

You tell your Husband that this Girl is making you uncomfortable and he does nothing about it. This is verry wrong from his side.

You are not crazy,controling,jealous... You want to set boundaries and it is perfectly normal. Sit him down and explain it to him. 

Stay strong my Lady.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yeah, this isn't just about the girl. If not her, there would be another young girl stroking his ego. He tries to guilt you into backing off and letting him do what 'feels good.' YOUR response should be 'if you want to flirt with young girls, go right ahead. I can't and won't stop you. But I won't stay married to you if you choose that path.'


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