# Here for advice, marriage is dying



## Lonely&ConfusedMe (Jan 26, 2013)

I'll try to keep this brief, though I probably won't be successful. 

I met my wife when I was 16, she was 17. Been together 17 years, married for 11. We have two amazing little girls, 10 & 6. 

We've always had what I thought was a wonderful relationship. We love each other very much, and we respect each other greatly. On thanksgiving day of 2011 she told me she wanted a separation. We had been having some troubles, but nothing that I thought was that bad. She told me that I was "non-communicative" and "emotionally unavailable". I moved out for three months or so and we started doing individual therapy. Insurance issues, and our preference, prevented us doing traditional MC. We see the same therapist, separately, and work towards the middle by working on ourselves individually. After about three months I moved back in and I thought we were doing really well. We had a family vacation in the summer of 2012 that was awesome. Shortly after that vacation something happened to my wife, I don't know what, but she changed...

I readily admit now that I wasn't meeting her emotional needs prior to my getting therapy. She had an EA with a co-worker. That was something that hurt me to the core. She agreed to go NC with him, at least as much as was feasible while working for the same company. That was prior to therapy. 

Fast forward to the second half of 2012 and now my wife is unhappy. I'm trying all I can do to make her happy and it's just not happening. Physically, the connection just totally fell off. She decided she wasn't attracted to me. That also hurt beyond belief. My wife has battled weight and self-esteem issues our entire relationship, but I've never seen any of that. The love I have for her enables me to just see past it. I tell her, or at least told her (until recently), every day how much I loved her, how beautiful she is to me. It's the truth, too... I love the way she looks, she's gorgeous. 

I think I'm a good husband. I cook, I clean, I do my fair share with the kids, I work full time. Now it appears she's hung up on a couple of things. I don't share her faith... She's a newly converted Christian (former Catholic), and I'm an atheist. So in the last 15 months or so of therapy I've worked diligently on being more emotionally supportive and communicative, and I've done a good job. I've made great strides in these areas. I've also worked very hard to understand her faith, and even if I can't be a part of it, I've worked to respect it and support it. I don't interfere with her teaching the kids in her mold spiritually. The point being that I've addressed, and continue to address, her issues. In return I've received a wife who isn't attracted to me, shows me very little affection or attention of any kind. She also, as it turns out, has been chronically dishonest with me, about things large and small, and consequently I don't trust her. 

She makes more money than I do and is very bothered that I'm not more "successful" professionally. Translation: I don't make enough money. I'm not making minimum wage though, I do ok. We live in a nice area, we have everything we need, but we're not setting the world on fire. 

We're at this place now where I'm very hurt. She's not attracted to me, but can't tell me why, or what I can work on to improve it... She's intensely disturbed that she married someone who is faithless. I also had a car accident in 2008 that resulted in chronic pain that I'll probably experience for the rest of my life, and this wears on her. Conversely, I don't trust my wife and she had an EA that I still hurt from. She's lied to me for so long I feel like I don't even know who she is. 

We have a virtually sexless marriage with little to no affection. We spend all of our time barely speaking and hurt. I do nice things and try to move us closer again, and I've worked very hard on the issues that she has with me. She is beginning to get honest with herself about her own issues and start working on them... Finally. 

She claims right now that she needs space and time to work things out, but in the meantime she treats me like a roommate instead of a husband, and I don't know if I can live like this. The problem is that, despite everything, I still love the girl to death, and really want it to get better again. 

Am I crazy for not leaving? Is there any hope? Or am I just delaying the inevitable? 

It would be so easy to leave with the way I feel I've been taken advantage of. Possibly the worst part is that while I feel tortured and so hurt right now, she doesn't seem the least bit bothered by that. She really is a good girl down somewhere inside, I just think she lost herself somewhere along the way, and I keep thinking that if I give it time and patience that she'll realize how much I care and how good I treat her. 

Can you tell that I'm incredibly conflicted?
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## manslave (Feb 15, 2013)

What do you mean when you say that you weren't meeting her emotional needs? You say that you used to tell her that you love her multiple times daily, but then you say that she accused you of being "non-communicative." Could you perhaps clarify? 

Why did she not run off with her co-worker to NC in the end? Was it because she decided she wanted to work on your marriage or was it because the logistics didn't work out? Why did she stay with you and not run off with the other guy in the end?


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## Lonely&ConfusedMe (Jan 26, 2013)

manslave said:


> What do you mean when you say that you weren't meeting her emotional needs? You say that you used to tell her that you love her multiple times daily, but then you say that she accused you of being "non-communicative." Could you perhaps clarify?
> 
> Why did she not run off with her co-worker to NC in the end? Was it because she decided she wanted to work on your marriage or was it because the logistics didn't work out? Why did she stay with you and not run off with the other guy in the end?


As for the first part of your post: she didn't feel as though she could come to me with her problems, her fears and insecurities. I wasn't a good listener, I didn't pay her enough attention when she really had something important to discuss. Like so many men I wanted to always "fix" her problems, when most of the time she just wanted someone to talk to, someone who would listen. I wasn't very good at that at the time. 

As for the second part... NC: No Contact.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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