# Thoughtful Help



## Meaningful (Nov 26, 2012)

I joined this forum simply because I have been living with this for almost 25 years and I saw that this was a constructive group of people here and maybe I could find some resolve.

I was married because my girlfriend at the time was pregnant and I felt that I was blessed. When I was younger I was in a wreck and was told I could not have kids. Being 22 yrs old I was still going to be the best that I could be for my family. Well we got married and on the day my son was born, I could see that he was not my son. Six weeks later a blood test proved he was not mine, but I had fallen in love with the idea of having kids and I loved her. Even though my wife had actually slept with our best friend at the time, 4-5 days after I left to go to boot camp. It was a rocky couple of years and it ended up ending my military career over it. But I stuck it out with her.

I had thought from time to time over the last 25 years that she had cheated along the way, but I stuck it out because my parrents had gotten a divorce and I could not do that to my kids.

Well 5 years ago, her mother was dieing of cancer and we had spent her last christmas together and a few days later I got a huge cell phone bill. So I looked at it to see what the heck was up. And here was 600 plus texts to a number I did not know. So with the help of the internet and a brother in law enforcement I found the guy's name, address and everything about him I could. I confronted her with what I knew and long story short, the tears kept me from throwing her out in the snow. 

The guy would never talk to me, she swore there was no sex, but there were photo's exchanged and I had the chat logs from AT&T, so I tracked down the guys wife. I could not blame the guy after meeting her, she was a loon and had encouraged him to seek out other women to sleep with. When I told her that he wrecked our marrage she stated that it was wrecked before her husband got there. I guess she was right, even though she did not know the whole story.

I have never cheated on her but I think about it every day. I have even made accounts on the dating web sites to see what is out there. I have yet to post a picture of myself. Honestly the first time I went looking in one was because I saw that she had been in it. I work in IT, I can tell where she had gone. I did not find a profile for her so maybe she deleted it I don't know. But adult friend finder is for only one thing.

Now maybe from the lack of sex, I don't know but I have a hate that I can not seem to get past. I take jobs in god foresaken places where I'm alone, while she is in the house...I want her out of my life, but it's like I'm afraid to let go? Even though I know she is fng around while I'm gone. 

How do I muster up the strenght to get out of this hell? The kids are in collage and not at home anymore.


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## Meaningful (Nov 26, 2012)

Sorry, a little insite about the mother part, she had sent 26 texts to her boyfriend on Christmas day, while her mother was in the chair next to her. She died about 2 months later. I miss her, she was a kind sole. They were talking about the next "Time" they hooked up.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Just file and move on. Realize you cant change her. She's a repeat offender, a serial cheater. There's nothing you can do to change her. You had 25 years to do so and were not successful. Only stay if you dont mind being a cuckold.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

It's times like this where a person becomes better for themselves. 

This has absolutely NOTHING to do with your wife. It has everything to do with YOU. She betrayed you so long ago and you worked with it. Raising a son who wasn't even yours. I give you more props than you can imagine.

However, now...after all this time...knowing what she did to you oh, so many years ago - she has the f'ng gall to do it again. I don't care if it was "just" texting and pics. F that, man.

You need to look yourself in the mirror and SEE the sh-t you overcame to raise a child that wasn't yours only to be f'd over again. You did what you thought was best before. I would ask that you do what is RIGHT now. And that would be to be strong and walk.

By the way, I'm a very pro-marriage guy here. And I'm tellin ya to walk with your head f'ng high!


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

She is a serial cheater. She has proven that time and again. Now that you aren't "in love" with her you are starting to see who she really is. She has never been remorseful, she will never change. 

You don't owe her anything. File for divorce and find someone who respects you.


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## Meaningful (Nov 26, 2012)

I did not even know there was a term for this mess. That sucks. No this situation is not ok with me. How do I end it?


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Meaningful said:


> I did not even know there was a term for this mess. That sucks. No this situation is not ok with me. How do I end it?


For simplicity sake you say, "Wife...I am saddened that you have done this again to OUR marriage. For my SELF and my sanity, I am filing for divorce. I do not intend to live the rest of my days with you in pain."

Look at the 180 here and live it. You deserve so much more out of life, man. You seriously do. Especially after all you have endured.


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## Meaningful (Nov 26, 2012)

We had 2 kids, youngest is 20, neither know I'm not there dad. I feel sick about this. I have thought of divorce and have had the papers ready for 8-9 years but I could not face my kids. I just remember when my dad stormed out on my mom and us. I don't know how to live with that, if I do it...

Gez, I did not realize how bad of a mess I am.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you start to cheat now you will only lose your soul. Instead leave her. Then find a good woman after you have done some healing.

Does she work outside the home?

What you did to raise a child that is not yours is over and above what most would do. You are a good man. Does your son know that you are not his bio father? 

You say 'kids', plural. How many other children do you have? Are you their bio dad?

Take stalk of where you are at. You have already left her in so many ways. You say that you are hardly there due to the jobs you take… so just stop going back there. It seems that it would not really take all that much to get a place of your own, file for divorce and sell the house (if you own it).

Perhaps if you make an exit plan. Make a list of all the things you will need to do to gain your freedom. Then just start working your plan.

Here’s a start for you…

See an attorney about your rights in divorce and have him/her draw up divorce papers.

Get copies of all financial records and keep them in a safe place. 

Move everything of value that is feel is yours out of the house to storage or to an apartment you setup for yourself. This is to keep them safe so that she does not sell or get rid of them.

Move 50% of all assets, bank accounts, etc. into your name only.

Find a place of your own, even a studio apartment until the divorce is settled unless you think that you can live in the same house with her and keep your resolve.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Meaningful said:


> We had 2 kids, youngest is 20, neither know I'm not there dad. I feel sick about this. I have thought of divorce and have had the papers ready for 8-9 years but I could not face my kids. I just remember when my dad stormed out on my mom and us. I don't know how to live with that, if I do it...
> 
> Gez, I did not realize how bad of a mess I am.


I am sure that you have raised your children well. They are adults now and will be able to handle this. You might be surprised to find out that they have known that things have not been good between you and your wife for a long time.

Take the evidence of infidelity that you have and let your children see it. Let them know why you are divorcing... that this is just one more of many affairs that she has had throughout your marriage. But now, with them grown you have no reason to stay with her and let her break your heart over and over again.

It really is best to tell them why the divorce is happening.

Make sure that tell them that you are divorcing her and not them. That they are your children and always will be.

There is a chance that she or someone else who knows that they are not your bio children will tell them now. Brace yourself for this. It could be a huge blow to them. But, if this happens you know what to do... just tell them that it does not matter to you. That they know this since you have always considered them your children. Legally they are your children since they were born into your marriage.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

SomedayDig said:


> It's times like this where a person becomes better for themselves.
> 
> This has absolutely NOTHING to do with your wife. It has everything to do with YOU. She betrayed you so long ago and you worked with it. Raising a son who wasn't even yours. I give you more props than you can imagine.
> 
> ...


If this guy give´s this advice.You BETTER take it seriously.
Read up on why in his thread...You fast believe the bolded part is rock solid truth.


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## Meaningful (Nov 26, 2012)

We have had seperate finances for almost 20 years, otherwise I would have nothing. I have been converting things to cash and am looking at bankruptcy to get rid of a house that is upside down, short sale is impossible I'm surrounded by bank owned homes. She had a good job until she quit last week, I work in data centers for some fortune 5-10 companies as a consultant. I do ok.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Meaningful said:


> We had *2 kids*, youngest is 20, neither know I'm not there dad. I feel sick about this. I have thought of divorce and have had the papers ready for 8-9 years but I could not face my kids. I just remember when my dad stormed out on my mom and us. I don't know how to live with that, if I do it...
> 
> Gez, I did not realize how bad of a mess I am.


The bolded part.PLEASE tell me she already had one before you two meet..


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I want to make sure that I'm clear on this. Your wife had an affair at the start of your marriage. You raised a child from that affair.

Then she had a second child from another affair about 20 years ago and you raised that child as well.

It this right? Both of your children are from her affairs?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Meaningful said:


> We have had seperate finances for almost 20 years, otherwise I would have nothing. I have been converting things to cash and am looking at bankruptcy to get rid of a house that is upside down, short sale is impossible I'm surrounded by bank owned homes. She had a good job until she quit last week, I work in data centers for some fortune 5-10 companies as a consultant. I do ok.


What I'm wondering about is if she will be able to get alimoney from you? I would find that to be a travesty after all she's put you through.

I sure hope not.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Meaningful said:


> We have had seperate finances for almost 20 years, otherwise I would have nothing. I have been converting things to cash and am looking at bankruptcy to get rid of a house that is upside down, short sale is impossible I'm surrounded by bank owned homes. She had a good job until she quit last week, I work in data centers for some fortune 5-10 companies as a consultant. I do ok.


While I'm not sure of the laws in your state, generally even if assets are held in only one spouse's name, the other has a claim to them. So there will be that to contend with.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

This is really the stuff of tragedy. I agree that enough is now enough. You deserve a better life for yourself. Your children will understand. Perhaps starting this thread is your first attempt to say out loud what your heart really wants.

I think you should get your financial ducks in line, and start feeling the strength of your decision to leave her.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

I think you find the pain as normal and that is what you feel you deserve. I could be wrong, but that was the way I felt when I was married to a woman just like yours. She divorced me while was in the first gulf war. I have been lost for twenty years now. I am just waiting for it to end.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> I joined this forum simply because *I have been living with this for almost 25 years* and I saw that this was a constructive group of people here and maybe I could find some resolve.





> I was married because my girlfriend at the time was pregnant and I felt that I was blessed. When I was younger I was in a wreck and was told I could not have kids. Being 22 yrs old I was still going to be the best that I could be for my family. *Well we got married and on the day my son was born, I could see that he was not my son. Six weeks later a blood test proved he was not mine*, but I had fallen in love with the idea of having kids and I loved her. *Even though my wife had actually slept with our best friend at the time, 4-5 days after I left to go to boot camp.* *It was a rocky couple of years* and it ended up ending my military career over it. But I stuck it out with her.





> We had 2 kids, *youngest is 20*, neither know I'm not there dad. I feel sick about this. I have thought of divorce and have had the papers ready for 8-9 years but I could not face my kids. I just remember when my dad stormed out on my mom and us. I don't know how to live with that, if I do it...


So she not only cheated before the marriage (Is oldest bio dad also your best friend?) but, If i'm doing well the maths, at least once again five years into the marriage, after you already left the military and was living full time with her. Is you youngest kid's bio father the same as the oldest?

So you busted her twice due your children's paternity (no way to hide it). Then, maybe I'm reading it bad and best friend at the time is another OM, not one of your childrens bio dad. And then again years later with opem marriage OM, by your snooping. Then you caught her at hook up sites so low as AFF...
Ans she texted BFF last Xmas (OM from 5 years ago?, ever ended?, new OM?).

What are the chances every time she cheated you caught her? You are right, what you know is probably just the tip of the icerberg. Almost always is the case but yours seem extreme. Likely she can't remember the body count.

You don't love her, she clearly doesn't love you, you are stuck in a sexless marriage with a serial cheater... Talk to a lawyer again, plan carefully your exit so you can start living a life you can enjoy. If your children are not aware you are not the sperm donor and you don't want to change it you can always tell them the bare minimum, the last five years cheating if that's what you wan't (I wouldn't tell them anyting, JMHO) .


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

The reality of the situation is that you won't leave, you, for your own reasons, can't see taking that one giant step from married to single. You've had several good reasons over the years to leave her, you've even drawn up the papers 9 years ago, but you can't make yourself move from your default position of 'married-man-putting-up-with-cheating-wife'; you've owned that description of yourself.

I would think, at this point, maybe taking it in baby steps is worth considering. Tell your wife you want an open marriage, set some ground rules, such as no bringing the other person to your home, whatever rules you two want, and then pursue the dating sites to your hearts desire. Don't lie or sneak, be open about it, be forthright, maybe even ask her for help with your profile.

I'm not kidding here. If you do this, somethings going to give soon enough. Either she's going to flip out and leave, or, believe it or not, if you're tough enough in the pursuit, she might even begin to pursue you; who knows?

It sounds crazy, I know, but, it's better than nothing, and so far, you've done nothing about this for 25 years.

T


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Meaningful, it's human nature to cling to the familiar, even when it is painful. That's why abused spouses stay with the abuser, and betrayed spouses stay with an unremorseful betrayer. Confront this in yourself. Make the decision that you are not going to be the abused person anymore, then act on that decision.


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## Meaningful (Nov 26, 2012)

My kids have different fathers, I am feeling sorry I posted this here, just feeling like I'm an idiot.

I don't know why I can not leave, heck Im nearly 1000 miles away right now and she still has ahold of me. I am thinking of buying a ticket to another contry and just disapearing. Got my passport and hell Im living out of a bag now. So it does not matter where I'm at. Just feel like crap.


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

You shouldn't feel like crap. You did an honorable thing by raising your sons and sticking with their mother when she didn't deserve your loyalty. 
You need to hold your head high. You've done what most men could never do. 
Your wife doesn't have a hold over you, she can not control your thoughts. You need to follow the 180 for your happiness. 

You need to tell your boys the truth. You are their dad in every sense on the word.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Come on brother you need to pull your self out of this funk and stop letting this chick define your happiness and grap hold of your own sh1T and make your own happiness with out your oldlady.

I went 13 years with the same kind of crap and its not worth it! You have to stand up and make a change that will make a difference and if that change is scary well then good, cuz then it won't be boring as you figure your way thru the bullcrap that comes with the unknown.

Take a risk my man and face your fear...sh1t it sounds like you do it for a living!

Its not what knocks us down the matters, its how we get back up that counts.


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