# Porn...seriously, what's the big deal???



## CalifGuy (Nov 2, 2011)

While I am still fortunate enough to have more sex with my DW, despite an imperfect marriage, than I masturbate to porn, I don't see what the big deal is about porn and why it should upset my DW or any other married women out there providing there is still regular intimacy in the marriage.

My #1 choice is ALWAYS to have sex with my wife but if we don't have sex, well, then why shouldn't I take matters into my own hands and that way I can let her sleep rather than expecting her to meet my needs which only leads to drama if she is too tired or not in the mood.

At least in my case, I can say that my DW knew that I occasionally watched internet porn when we first got together and we have even watched it together on occasion, although it does little for us as a couple.

I don't own a single porn magazine, not even a Playboy (although I have been to a couple Playboy Mansion parties during our marriage, solo, for events I covered as part of the media) and I don't spend a penny on any subscriptions to porn sites. But, there are a couple free sites out there that give anyone as much cannon fodder as they'd ever require and I am not opposed to logging in a couple times a week to handle my business.

Yet, even if my DW was not planning on having intimacy with me, then she gets somewhat upset...not to the degree that many wives on here seem to get with their husbands, more annoyed, I guess, but I am all hers when she can keep up.

If I could not keep up with my DW's sex drive, I seriously doubt that I would be upset if she masturbated, even if it was to porn. I believe I have a duty to sexually satisfy her and, likewise, she has the same duty and when she does not keep up, well, then, what is wrong with a little stress relief?:scratchhead:


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

wifeofhusband said:


> I think, a lot of the time, the issue is more with the lies and deception that some men practice around this than with the porn itself.


But the lies and deception are directly caused by the irrational emotional reaction many women have to porn.

These wives are in effect causing their own problems.

It`s a viscous cycle usually begun by the wife.


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## aznmommy3 (Nov 8, 2011)

I am one of those wives who have an issue with porn. Yet i used to watch alot of porn myself.

My issue is that the husband had turned me down more then once, lying that he was tired even though i know the real reason is because he was masturbating while i was in the shower. He often tells me that whenever i am horny that to let him know. Yet when i did, i got turned down. He also told me that he'd love for me to wake him up by giving him a BJ and such yet how can i when i don't know if he already did his thing or not. It would just probably piss him off that i woke him up because i needed sex.

I am a wife who is always willing to satisfy him anyway he wants. I consider myself to be more open when it comes to sex as i always wanted to try more kinky stuff. He is the routine boring sex kinda guy. I have offered that maybe we can watch porn together to spice things up (i used to do this with the ex) but he refuses saying porn is ment to be enjoyed alone.

Many guys out there complain that their wife would not do this or do that or is disinterested in sex. Yet here i am willing to do anything and everything and i come in second to his masturbating. 

I don't know about you but i think this is a problem.

How would the husband feels if the wife rather watch porn and masturbate then have actual sex? I'm thinking i should just do what he does, watch porn and rely on my trusty dildos instead of bothering him and his porn time. But ofcorse then he'd complain that he's not getting enough sex. It's always what he needs and wants, never does he care about my needs and feelings.


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

My wife asked me last week what I thought 'kinky' meant or what were some kinky things. I was a bit lost on word since I know what would be kinky for me might be commonplace for some and immoral for others (which, might actually make it hotter for me : ).

Porn fits exactly into this paradigm.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

tacoma said:


> But the lies and deception are directly caused by the irrational emotional reaction many women have to porn.
> 
> These wives are in effect causing their own problems.
> 
> It`s a viscous cycle usually begun by the wife.


I'm not sure about this. If my H had been upfront about his porn use, instead of sneaking/lying we might have had a rocking great time in bed instead of 3 months of MC.

The vicious cycle is really the wives thinking that if he's lying about this...then what else?

My H and many others I'm sure, had this idea that it would be better to keep these types of things from me than to upset me with the truth. Big mistake on his part!


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Funny you say "seriously doubt" you'd have a problem with your W masturbating to porn. Which is it? I am curious. You could care less or you would have a problem with it? And I'm with the other posters in that it's the lies, sneaking, etc. For my H, it didn't stop with JUST looking at porn online. Those little pop-ups can be intriguing at times of horniness, "click here for no strings attached live fun", or whatever the little advertisements are on those sites. So it's not the naked women or men having sex, it's that some men don't know when to stop at that. Just my opinion and experience in my own M.


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## CalifGuy (Nov 2, 2011)

Cherry said:


> Funny you say "seriously doubt" you'd have a problem with your W masturbating to porn. Which is it? I am curious. You could care less or you would have a problem with it? And I'm with the other posters in that it's the lies, sneaking, etc. For my H, it didn't stop with JUST looking at porn online. Those little pop-ups can be intriguing at times of horniness, "click here for no strings attached live fun", or whatever the little advertisements are on those sites. So it's not the naked women or men having sex, it's that some men don't know when to stop at that. Just my opinion and experience in my own M.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

wifeofhusband said:


> I think, a lot of the time, the issue is more with the lies and deception that some men practice around this than with the porn itself.


AMEN! That's exacrtly the problem. 

Porn...not an issue for me.

Denial and lying about it...a big issue for me.

If it's truly "not that big of a deal" to you guys out there - then why the lying, hiding and deceit about it?


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## CalifGuy (Nov 2, 2011)

Those pop up ads are evil but are dead ends for any guy looking for extramarital activity but see how they could be perceived as a threat by wives who may actually give any credibility to those pop up ads.

As far as your question about my DW masturbating...I wish she would! Lol. Also, I wish she would allow me to bring her to more than a single orgasm per session. I am a cunning linguist as well as a master cunnilinguist and I would gladly perform morning, noon and night, if given the stage to perform. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CalifGuy (Nov 2, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> AMEN! That's exacrtly the problem.
> 
> Porn...not an issue for me.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

tacoma said:


> But the lies and deception are directly caused by the irrational emotional reaction many women have to porn.
> 
> These wives are in effect causing their own problems.
> 
> It`s a viscous cycle usually begun by the wife.


So what you're saying is...you HAVE to LIE and HIDE your porn because I can't have a rational reaction to it without my emotions getting in the way?

So you are judge and jury based on your own perceptions about what my "behavior" might be, versus actual fact that you might see a positive response if you actually TOLD THE TRUTH ABOUT IT.

You guys are really good at putting that "ole' male spin" on things that you want to justify, aren't ya?


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## CalifGuy (Nov 2, 2011)

For the exact reason that Tacoma pointed out earlier...

Trust me, most guys are no better off to admitting they jerked off to porn than they are for denying or hiding it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

I don't know of any guy that never watch porn. I think it's ok to watch porn as long as it's not an obsession. I first watch porn when I was in middle school. I'm still watching them today. 

Sometimes I downloaded porn on my phone to play it in front of my wife in public just to see her funny reaction.


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

It only became a problem for me when the stbxh was so addicted to porn and tried to re-inact it in the bedroom by smacking me, pulling my hair, trying to make me stick my tongue up his hairy a-hole...f'd up sh*t like that. The sex became very abusive


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

For my H, no, the pop-up ads didn't get him anywhere except when he entered his email address and he got nothing but spam from those, but it lead to his itch for real attention from strange women (i.e. craigslist casual ads). But no, I technically not have a problem with JUST porn, if it could stop at that for my H. I'm sorry for your cunnilinquist issue, my H is the same way, he just loves doing that too and he will bring me to orgasm once and generally that's all I can take that way ~ it's just so intense for me and right after it's really sensitive, there's a certain window of opportunity I've mastered through masturbation to reach multiple orgasms, and we've tried to replicate that through oral... We're still a work in progress ourselves  So good luck!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> I'm not sure about this. If my H had been upfront about his porn use, instead of sneaking/lying we might have had a rocking great time in bed instead of 3 months of MC.
> 
> The vicious cycle is really the wives thinking that if he's lying about this...then what else?
> 
> My H and many others I'm sure, had this idea that it would be better to keep these types of things from me than to upset me with the truth. Big mistake on his part!


Someone taught him to do that.

I`d wager there was some woman somewhere demeaning or humiliating him for his porn use somewhere in his past.


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

Craggy456 said:


> It only became a problem for me when the stbxh was so addicted to porn and tried to re-inact it in the bedroom by smacking me, pulling my hair, trying to make me stick my tongue up his hairy a-hole...f'd up sh*t like that. The sex became very abusive


That is just sick.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

tacoma said:


> *Someone taught him to do that*.
> 
> I`d wager there was some woman somewhere demeaning or humiliating him for his porn use somewhere in his past.


Ya, you're right, it was his dead mother, and it was over 30 years ago when she found dirty mags under his bed. Pity I have to pay the price for that, isn't it?


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

scione said:


> That is just sick.


And he wonders why I never wanted to have sex with him. I've snuck a peek at some of the sh*t he watches and it seriously borders on rape/snuff


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

CalifGuy said:


> While I am still fortunate enough to have more sex with my DW, despite an imperfect marriage, than I masturbate to porn, I don't see what the big deal is about porn and why it should upset my DW or any other married women out there providing there is still regular intimacy in the marriage.
> 
> My #1 choice is ALWAYS to have sex with my wife but if we don't have sex, well, then why shouldn't I take matters into my own hands and that way I can let her sleep rather than expecting her to meet my needs which only leads to drama if she is too tired or not in the mood.
> 
> ...


First of all....porn and masturbating are two different things. A lot of women I know (myself included) are anti-porn but pro- masturbation. 

There are many reasons why women (and men) are against porn - you've probably read most of them here and all of them are valid, whether anyone else agrees with them or not.

I agree with wifeofhusband that a lot of the time it's the lies & deception behind a partner hiding their porn use that causes so much angst. The lies and sneaking around are more often than not, not the whole issue....but they certainly compound it all. 

I do not for one nano-second agree with tacoma, that's it's a woman's "irrational emotional" reaction that directly causes their partner to lie about porn use. It's the partner's fear of a less than agreeable reaction that causes them to lie about it. 

It's so cowardly to blame a woman because you don't have the balls to be honest and face the consequences that go with it.

I was thinking about this whole thing today....how some men always use "men are visual, we need to look at porn - it's in our manly nature" thing. And it got me thinking about why so many women appear to lose interest in sex with their partners - perhaps women have inate caveman style womanly urges as well. 

Back in the day women would choose the strongest most manly male to mate with so that she would be assured of robust offspring. Perhaps after a while her inner cavewoman recognises that he partner is not that at all and she loses interest.

I don't know - it could be true


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> So what you're saying is...you HAVE to LIE and HIDE your porn because I can't have a rational reaction to it without my emotions getting in the way?


No actually I don`t hide my porn use. 
My wife is aware and usually we partake together but I had to come to a point due to previous relationships where I decided I simply wouldn`t deal with a womans hang up about it.
I once had a newish girlfriend give me **** about my roommates Penthouse collection.
I showed her the door.



> So you are judge and jury based on your own perceptions about what my "behavior" might be, versus actual fact that you might see a positive response if you actually TOLD THE TRUTH ABOUT IT.


Your off base and more than a little confrontational about it.
You`re actually proving my point.

Thank you.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Craggy456 said:


> It only became a problem for me when the stbxh was so addicted to porn and tried to re-inact it in the bedroom by smacking me, pulling my hair, trying to make me stick my tongue up his hairy a-hole...f'd up sh*t like that. The sex became very abusive


Yes, this is a problem as with anything else becoming obsessed is always going to cause trouble.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

surfergirl said:


> I do not for one nano-second agree with tacoma, that's it's a woman's "irrational emotional" reaction that directly causes their partner to lie about porn use. *It's the partner's fear of a less than agreeable reaction that causes them to lie about it.*


Then you do agree with me because that is exactly what I said.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

scione said:


> I don't know of any guy that never watch porn. .


Let me introduce myself, then! Pleased to meet you. Card carrying member of the 'men who do not watch porn' guild. For those who are interested in joining, first google the 'men who get laid too often for porn' guild, then click on the subheading. [Disclaimer: I'm only joking here!!] 

Seriously, any thought of possibly entertaining myself with porn ended when I rushed my wife to the ER from complications of bulemia, just after we married, because she hated her imperfect body. For me, it all comes down to whether or not the topic drives insecurity in a wife who is otherwise incredibly considerate when it comes to our sexual needs.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

So men get to lie about these things because, once, at some point in their lives, some female gave them a hard time and 'taught' them to lie about it. Move on and stop looking for a free pass on this. If you are open with your SO about porn, good for you. If you're a lying pu$$y who can't or won't tell the truth, then you deserve all the sh!t you get.


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Then you do agree with me because that is exactly what I said.


No I don't agree with what you wrote. You were talking about a woman's "irrational emotional reaction" - which is not what I said at all.

I agree that men will lie to thier partner about their porn use because they don't want to face the reaction that may come if they are honest about it. Fear of a percieved reaction is the reason behind most lies in all humans. 

His choosing to lie about it is all about his lack of courage in facing the consequences....it's easier to ask forgiveness than it is permission.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

CalifGuy said:


> I don't see what the big deal is about porn and why it should upset my DW or any other married women out there providing there is still regular intimacy in the marriage.



I know what you mean. I wonder too, what is such a big deal for some people to feel they even need it.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I am coming from a perspective where Porn was NEVER used over me, but still , in my early conservative "good girl" years, I would get upset at him looking at PlayBoy bunnies before work and catch him from time to time. I would occasionally look on his computer & find files, delete them. He never got mad at me, but I shamed him. He however never really felt too guilty cause he KNEW what I meant to him. Looking back, this is rather humorous, but the very 1st computer we got, the next day he headed to work & here My desktop was taken over with naked beauties popping up, boy was I livid ! More so that I had to call Dell & I told them exactly what my husband was up too, the Rep just :rofl: 

But really.... I could not ask for a more wonderful husband, I was not giving him enough sex back then--and I learned later, he still didn't masterbate to it-while married, he FELT that was a form of cheating (his words) not the looking but the jacking off to it. Do I agree with him -not really! I have masterbated to some hot actor / rock star while married ! I was worse than him! He was shocked I did - and I was shocked he didn't ! We never talked openly about sex till a few years ago, rediculous as it was. 

But really - I was UNeducated about men, how terribly visual they are, the effects of testosterone on thier BRAINS. In the last few years, I have gained a world of knowledge in these areas, I seeked it out, read many books on hormones & sex - plus experienced my own LUST for porn.  

I believe the majority of men would NOT hide or sneak ---IF their wives would not RE-ACT as they so often do, if they were more embracing of the male Psyche & to not take these things like an avalanche of insecurty that their men are in love with these paper babes or web women on a screen. 

Plus... Men are conditioned from early on to NEVER discuss this stuff openly with women...think about this.... Many of us grow up in the church -are taught it would be better to pluck our eyes out than be sent to hell over a little LUST. Then they are shamed mercilessly by their mothers-if caught looking at a magazine or internet page. 

This one friend of ours told us -his Mom caught him as a teen & accually said to him..."Do you think of ME when you look at that?" Talk about embarrassment. So the hiding begins. They learn early on -these things can only be discussed with other "dog minded " men. .... ONLY they understand -this raging battle within. Each man has his own battle to not take it TOO far, to continue to respect his woman, but that allure for a little visual variety will always be with him. Reining it in some -yes, they should strive for that, addictions are not pretty, they are destructive, some can NOT handle it , but many men CAN, and it does not have to have any ill effects on the marriage at all. 

Most women can NOT handle the truth, they say they want to know, then immediately put their men in the doghouse. Women can't have it both ways, we speak out of 2 sides of our mouth....who is being honest then. How can our men trust what we say? 


If you are blessed enough that your man is there, jumping, enthusiastic, wanting you, desiring you , words of affirmation, praise on how much he loves you, enjoys making love to you. He revels on the emotional connection with YOU, really...what is all the fuss about -if he is still more horny & wants another release 8 hours later -when you would rather sleep . Are you willing to make your own porn videos, how many wives would use this as a substitute? It is a nice compromise, but most men will get that shot down too. I've seen some threads on here, pretty brutal for even asking such a thing. 

Me & mine enjoy watching it together, I think I like it more than him. He told me one day he enjoys watching me watch it ! It has been very spicey for us--this once sexually repressed couple getting a little wild in midlife. We have never been with another and this is our only "variety" . I love the fact he is doggish, just shows his hormones are working & working WELL, a sign of health & vitality .... a HORNY man is a HEALTHY MAN. The facts are....Men will always notice curves of other females, no matter what they spew out of their mouths to pacify their women and keep them happy. Men are inherently dogs, but we love them anyway. Smile about it ! 

Women are so led by the EMOTIONAL, if our men were like us, we could GROW bored with them, we secretly enjoy their lust for us, we just don't want it "too much". BUT we still want it !!! They have to put up with our PMS , don't they? Why is it so hard for us to try and understand their allure to see some skin. Where is our understanding without the Judgement. 

So long as we are satisfied, we are wanted, loved & our sexual pleasures are filled by him to our delight, I just don't see the threat. They will cherish us even more for CARING to understand them , they will infact become more vulnerable with us, my husband has ! I wouldn't trade that for the world. 

Of coarse there should be BALANCE in all things, addictions are NOT OK, using it over their wives, NEVER OK, that even to me, would be a form of betrayal, cheating almost, I wouldn't stand for it -at all. And neither should women, we need our man's passion for us in a deep way, connecting with us.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Bottom line appears to be that women need to be more visual. Ladies, go rent whatever you like, hide it, lie some more, lust after it, hurt your spouse. All's good. 
SA, what works for you doesn't always work for others. There are plenty of people who don't like porn and that doesn't make them insecure.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Bottom line appears to be that women need to be more visual. Ladies, go rent whatever you like, hide it, lie some more, lust after it, hurt your spouse. All's good.
> SA, what works for you doesn't always work for others. There are plenty of people who don't like porn and that doesn't make them insecure.


:smthumbup:

You know I don't get why it is so many people assume that if a woman doesn't care for porn its because she is insecure. :scratchhead:

I do think that might be the case SOMETIMES. But not all the time. I have seen my share and been with men who have viewed it, and I have never not liked it because I was insecure. If anything I actually feel sorry for the women in porn. Not jealousy and insecurity.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

surfergirl said:


> I agree that men will lie to thier partner about their porn use because they don't want to face the reaction that may come if they are honest about it. Fear of a percieved reaction is the reason behind most lies in all humans.


The women who do have the problem with porn would do themselves a favor by figuring out where the fear of that perceived reaction comes from.

Most western men have been humiliated and bashed by the women in their lives over porn since adolescence.
It is a learned behavior that the women in our lives taught us.

If a woman would like to break the cycle then she`s going to have to stop having the same reaction all women have had in the mans life.

She`s going to have to break out of that box.

I don`t have this problem in my marriage because I broke that cycle years ago and my current wife has no problem with my porn use.

The fact that women are ready to destroy their families over their mens "normal" porn use instead of trying to understand his behavior is evidence that they have a problem.

I find the entire thing ridiculous.
Marriage is hard enough, there`s no need to blow it up over something so trivial and easily addressed.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> You know I don't get why it is so many people assume that if a woman doesn't care for porn its because she is insecure. :scratchhead:


Because countless women have come into this forum and others pissed and hurt over this problem and nearly every one of them states that they are insecure about the women in these videos.

"I can`t compete with the women in these films"
"I don`t know why I`m not enough for him sexually"
etc..etc..

It`s a known fact that western women have body image problems due to our societies obsessive focus on dieting, waif like models, and obscenely huge breasted celebrities with "perfect" unobtainable bodies.

The porn just exasperates this insecurity and the mans learned behavior of hiding and shame over his porn use compounds it.

The way to fix or avoid this problem is to recognize the foundations of it and communicate with each other.

But the way we tend to deal with it is to reinforce the very foundations that caused it in the first place and in the process making it worse and spinning it into a viscous cycle which descends into resentment and anger on the part of both men and women.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

"The fact that women are ready to destroy their families over their mens "normal" porn use instead of trying to understand his behavior is evidence that they have a problem."

I guess the same could be said for men who feel they need it/want it over how their spouses may feel.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

tacoma said:


> Because countless women have come into this forum and others pissed and hurt over this problem and nearly every one of them states that they are insecure about the women in these videos.
> 
> "I can`t compete with the women in these films"
> "I don`t know why I`m not enough for him sexually"
> ...


So the solution to "cure" womens insecurities is to masturbate to other naked women? Um, okay.
I for one dislike porn for reasons I have stated before and insecurity isn't one of them. I like to set the bar a tad higher.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

CallaLily said:


> "The fact that women are ready to destroy their families over their mens "normal" porn use instead of trying to understand his behavior is evidence that they have a problem."
> 
> I guess the same could be said for men who feel they need it/want it over how their spouses may feel.


Nope sorry Calla, it only goes one way. Geez, if women just took a pill and shelved their feelings, don't you see that marriages would be awesome?! 

I would also like to point out that it has been touched on numerous times that men "need" variety as part of their dna/biology. **Cough, excuse** When I reverse that and say women "need" to have as many children as possible, the forum goes silent. Double standards babe, double standards. It's only biology when it applies to a penis wielder.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> So the solution to "cure" womens insecurities is to masturbate to other naked women? Um, okay.
> I for one dislike porn for reasons I have stated before and insecurity isn't one of them. I like to set the bar a tad higher.


That`s extremely disingenuous brighteyes because you know that`s not at all what I said.

I directly stated that...
"The way to fix or avoid this problem is to recognize the foundations of it and communicate with each other."

This is what I`m talking about.

Brighteyes you are an excellent compassionate literate poster who consistently give good advice EXCEPT when this subject is brought up.

You have a problem with it due to your own learned behaviors and you`ve wound up in a corner where rational productive discussion is impossible.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I think it has a lot to do with how we are conditioned as children about sex. As someone else pointed out, adolescent males are shamed by their mothers into hiding their porn. Heck, they hide it even when their mothers don't shame them - my boys have never been shamed about it yet they still hide it. Since they were small, if they wanted to play with themselves I would simply tell them that they needed to do so in private because it's a private thing. Obviously we don't want to bring up our boys to whip out their penises whenever they feel like it and whack off - it has to be something they do in private, but it doesn't need to be shameful.

Anyway, it isn't acceptable for guys or girls to masturbate in public, hence the feeling that it has to be done in private, therefore when a couple first get together there is more often than not an awkwardness surrounding talking about sex or doing anything with each other that may be construed as 'kinky', until they know each other better. Sex talk is not something people just do whenever they feel like it or with just anyone. So how can we expect either guys or girls to be able to just talk about it with their spouses? Parents don't raise their children with this expectation, because parents generally don't talk to their kids about sex other than the mechanics of it, use a condom, be careful, do it with someone you love, there you go. It's something we each have to come in to our own about.

So when a guy (or a girl) realizes he/she is horny and there's no one else around, and they take care of themselves, they're left with a feeling that they've done something wrong. How wrong they think it is will depend on their upbringing and other things. A guy who uses an opportunity to masturbate to computer porn is going to feel some degree of guilt. Whether he can talk to his wife about what he does will depend on many factors, and we can't say there is one blanket reason for it if he doesn't talk to her and takes it underground. It may be that his wife is a prude. It may be that his mother shamed him so much he feels way too guilty. It's going to be different for every couple.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

tacoma, were your "learned" behaviors based on what you learned too as far as feeling like women should accept that men like to view it regardless of how they may feel? Biologically visual creatures or not its still a choice. 

Also you stated earlier:

"I don`t have this problem in my marriage because I broke that cycle years ago and my current wife has no problem with my porn use."

I was just wondering how did you break that cycle? What did you do or say to break it?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> I guess the same could be said for men who feel they need it/want it over how their spouses may feel.


Visual stimulation is the foundation of male sexuality.

You don`t have to like this fact, you can destroy every relationship you ever have over this fact but it doesn`t change the fact.

When a woman demeans, polices, and humiliates a man over his sexuality he`s going to hide it because you can`t CHOOSE your sexuality.
This is going to cause resentment and a loss of love.
It`s going to devolve into the viscous cycle I`ve laid out above.

It`s harmful to the marriage.
Do you want to harm your marriage or strengthen it?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> tacoma, were your "learned" behaviors based on what you learned too as far as feeling like women should accept that men like to view it regardless of how they may feel? Biologically visual creatures or not its still a choice.
> 
> Also you stated earlier:
> 
> ...


I never had the demeaning mother who gave me crap about finding a playboy under my bed so I was a step ahead of most men.

When I began to form relationships with women I quickly learned they had a serious problem with it so yes I hid my porn use which just caused more problems when it was discovered.

I broke this cycle by simply having nothing to do with the type of woman who found herself obsessing over what I saw as nothing.

The first time a woman I was with attempted to demean and control my porn use she was done, it was over.
I don`t have time for it and there are lots of fish in the sea.

I wouldn`t have married my wife if she was that type of woman.

It was a part of my personal sexuality and had nothing to do with them.
The only problems it ever caused in my relationships were the problems these women created themselves.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> I think it has a lot to do with how we are conditioned as children about sex. As someone else pointed out, adolescent males are shamed by their mothers into hiding their porn. Heck, they hide it even when their mothers don't shame them - my boys have never been shamed about it yet they still hide it. Since they were small, if they wanted to play with themselves I would simply tell them that they needed to do so in private because it's a private thing. Obviously we don't want to bring up our boys to whip out their penises whenever they feel like it and whack off - it has to be something they do in private, but it doesn't need to be shameful.
> 
> Anyway, it isn't acceptable for guys or girls to masturbate in public, hence the feeling that it has to be done in private, therefore when a couple first get together there is more often than not an awkwardness surrounding talking about sex or doing anything with each other that may be construed as 'kinky', until they know each other better. Sex talk is not something people just do whenever they feel like it or with just anyone. So how can we expect either guys or girls to be able to just talk about it with their spouses? Parents don't raise their children with this expectation, because parents generally don't talk to their kids about sex other than the mechanics of it, use a condom, be careful, do it with someone you love, there you go. It's something we each have to come in to our own about.
> 
> So when a guy (or a girl) realizes he/she is horny and there's no one else around, and they take care of themselves, they're left with a feeling that they've done something wrong. How wrong they think it is will depend on their upbringing and other things. A guy who uses an opportunity to masturbate to computer porn is going to feel some degree of guilt. Whether he can talk to his wife about what he does will depend on many factors, and we can't say there is one blanket reason for it if he doesn't talk to her and takes it underground. It may be that his wife is a prude. It may be that his mother shamed him so much he feels way too guilty. It's going to be different for every couple.


Excellent post.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

CalifGuy said:


> As far as your question about my DW masturbating...I wish she would! Lol.


Let's assume for a minute you had a less than average size penis and you stumbled upon your wife's internet history showing a significant amount of porn where it was clear the focus was on extra large sized men ...

Would you still feel like 'awesome! she masturbates to porn!' or would there be any self-doubt going on there that maybe you were not 'enough' for her?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

swedish said:


> Let's assume for a minute you had a less than average size penis and you stumbled upon your wife's internet history showing a significant amount of porn where it was clear the focus was on extra large sized men ...
> 
> Would you still feel like 'awesome! she masturbates to porn!' or would there be any self-doubt going on there that maybe you were not 'enough' for her?



To answer this myself I can say it doesn`t bother me.
(Although I`m not less than average sized)

My wife and I watch porn together as part of our "date night".

My wifes preference in porn is girl/girl and/or well endowed males.

It doesn`t bother me because I know my wife is satisfied with me sexually and I also "know" a huge man is probably going to be more of a discomfort to her than a pleasure in reality.
(She`s tiny..everywhere)

There`s also the fact that I`ve spent over a decade meticulously studying every millimeter of flesh on her body.
I know what gets her hot like no other man could possibly know what gets her hot.
Sexually no other man has a chance with my wife.
They will always lose in comparison.

However I know she enjoys the fantasy..I let her have the fantasy because I`m the one who enjoys the benefits of it.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

tacoma said:


> To answer this myself I can say it doesn`t bother me.
> (Although I`m not less than average sized)
> 
> My wife and I watch porn together as part of our "date night".
> ...


I guarantee you it would bother you if you already felt insecure about your size. That is not my reason for disliking porn but as evidenced here, that is a huge reason why many women feel this way.
I say ladies let's revolt. Big, Bad and Hung is already in my Netflix cue. Who's with me?


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

swedish said:


> Let's assume for a minute you had a less than average size penis and you stumbled upon your wife's internet history showing a significant amount of porn where it was clear the focus was on extra large sized men ...
> 
> Would you still feel like 'awesome! she masturbates to porn!' or would there be any self-doubt going on there that maybe you were not 'enough' for her?


Exactly. Many women feel this way.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

tacoma said:


> I never had the demeaning mother who gave me crap about finding a playboy under my bed so I was a step ahead of most men.


I never had the demeaning mother either. So I guess I was a step ahead as well.Luckily I never felt it was something I had to have in my life. 

I have seen my share for sure, but its nothing I would lose a good decent marriage over. I value relationships, not a magazine, a video or computer screen. They are objects.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> I guarantee you it would bother you if you already felt insecure about your size.


Yes, it probably would but thats part of the problem I mentioned.
These insecurities aren`t going to be helped by going about it the way most of the women here are going about it.
They are just going to become more entrenched.

Communication about those insecurities and understanding of the males perspective is the fix.




> I say ladies let's revolt. Big, Bad and Hung is already in my Netflix cue. Who's with me?


What`s Big Bad & Hung?

I have the TV show "Hung" on my hard drive, it`s pretty funny.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

tacoma said:


> .
> 
> Communication about those insecurities and understanding of the males perspective is the fix.


So there is no need for a male to understand the womans perspective on it? :scratchhead:

Just for the female to understand the males perspective and all will be well?


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## CalifGuy (Nov 2, 2011)

swedish said:


> Let's assume for a minute you had a less than average size penis and you stumbled upon your wife's internet history showing a significant amount of porn where it was clear the focus was on extra large sized men ...
> 
> Would you still feel like 'awesome! she masturbates to porn!' or would there be any self-doubt going on there that maybe you were not 'enough' for her?


I am not at all the jealous type and would not practice monogamy if my wife was ok with it and we have experimented with "swinging" for about a year during which time she did have a chance to experiment with a couple men who were bigger than I am down below. So, given that she's had the real deal inches away from me while I was with the real deal's wife or girlfriend, I doubt I'd be too bothered about if she was only masturbating to porn of well endowed men (rather than partaking in it).

Unfortunately, my wife is very jealous and possessive and that experiment has since come to an end.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> I think it has a lot to do with how we are conditioned as children about sex. As someone else pointed out, adolescent males are shamed by their mothers into hiding their porn.


I'm not so sure. My transition to being a teenager included a prostitute paid for by my dad when I visited him - although my mother flipped out until she learned that 'protecting my innocence' was a moot point by then. My mother's stance was that sexuality was my business, but I better not be gettin the clap.

The changes I made followed my marriage, and taking my wife to the ER from sickness that came about through her bulemia. Oh, and then learning that I was having a daughter. Its tragic that my wife has self-esteem issues, but they are my wife's issues, so they trump porn.

Picking a childhood source might be more relevant if we consider TV or social pressures.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

tacoma said:


> Yes, it probably would but thats part of the problem I mentioned.
> These insecurities aren`t going to be helped by going about it the way most of the women here are going about it.
> They are just going to become more entrenched.
> 
> ...


So what would your solution be then for a woman who dislikes porn because it makes her feel "less then"....more porn?

The movie I cited was just a made up title. You get the picture though. So you'd be cool with it, groovy. I can assure you that for many of the men here who view it as their male right, they would flip their sh!t if their wives were hiding porn/lying about it using men 20 years younger and had a unit the size of a footlong Subway sandwich.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Men and women think completely differently on this subject I think.

a) How many guys would love to walk in on their wife doing herself with her hand or with a dildo?

b) How many women would love to walk in on their husband doing themselves with his hand or with one of those 'realistic pussies'?

I'll bet the answers are a) about 95% and b) about 5%


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

tacoma said:


> No actually I don`t hide my porn use.
> My wife is aware and usually we partake together but I had to come to a point due to previous relationships where I decided I simply wouldn`t deal with a womans hang up about it.
> I once had a newish girlfriend give me **** about my roommates Penthouse collection.
> I showed her the door.
> ...


Not off-base based on YOUR comments, they weren't mine.

Perhaps you "read" more into my response than I actually wrote.

I don't care for "men" that want to prove their superiority by "talking down" to women and that's how it sounded to me and that's all that matters - to me...we can agree to disagree and be thankful that we're not in a relationship or married to each other - I'd eat you alive!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

trey69 said:


> So there is no need for a male to understand the womans perspective on it? :scratchhead:
> 
> Just for the female to understand the males perspective and all will be well?


I`m beginning to get a bit annoyed that my posts are being misconstrued.

I`ve never even eluded to this point of view and in fact have stated that any insecurities a woman has about porn needs to be dealt with through communication.

I`ve said this more than once.

Please stop twisting my intent.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I could call people who look at porn losers because they waste hrs of their lives sitting in front of a computer sceen playing with themselves instead of doing something useful with their time. I could call them self indulgent and lacking in control because they cannot resist allowing themselves to be controlled by watching other men have sex.

I could call them boys instead of men because they have to hide in behind blaming women instead of standing up like men and owning that they are controlled by images on a screen. I could call them sad and hollow because their lives are so consumed by pleasure seeking and waste money and time supporting an industry that is immoral, corrupt and criminal. 

The real problem is that porn is an evil industry that satisfies an insatiable need for mindless pleasure. The reality of the industry is well known but still supported because the persuit of mindless sexual variety is more important than the evil that porn brings to the lives of young woman and children. That is the way I see it. Men hide it because they know it is not right and they blame shift to avoid taking full responsibility for the success of an evil perverted industry. 

I am not insecure about my looks but I hate porn. I think it is horrible. The industry needs a contant supply of young woman to feed into the conveyer belt. The acts become more and more extreme to keep the men like sheep locked to the screen and pouring billions into the pockets of immoral sleezers. I hate porn because it is an evil industry and holds the seeds of destruction for the very gender that spends so much time supporting it. 

The young men coming of age today are the first to have their brains shaped by an easy access to internet porn. The effect on them is unknown but given the increasing rate of porn addiction, sexless marriages because of the demands on the woman to be porn sex stars, misogyny, blunted empathy for women, there will be problems. 

I have a nightmarish picture of the future - virtual porn emporiums. Millions upon millions of men in darken rooms sitting on padded reclining chairs hooked up to 3D glasses participating in porn. They are fat and pale like grubs fed through feeding tubes wearing diapers with pouches in the crotch area so they can play with themselves. They are cared for by attendants. Their legs are vestigial and their non dominant hands are lifeless and floppy but the dominant hands are strong.

Thier vision is fails after a few years and their brains are fried. They end up in nursing facilities at 30 yo - but the craving never ends until blessed death takes them at the age of 35 from the ravages of porn dementia. Somewhat like the opium dens of a century or so ago.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> I guarantee you it would bother you if you already felt insecure about your size. That is not my reason for disliking porn but as evidenced here, that is a huge reason why many women feel this way.
> I say ladies let's revolt. Big, Bad and Hung is already in my Netflix cue. Who's with me?


ME!

I'm actually married to Big, Bad and Hung - reason he's still around...:smthumbup:

For me, the bigger, the better. Everything else - it's like a toothpick in a bucket!!! :lol:


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Not off-base based on YOUR comments, they weren't mine.
> 
> Perhaps you "read" more into my response than I actually wrote.
> 
> I don't care for "men" that want to prove their superiority by "talking down" to women and that's how it sounded to me and that's all that matters - to me...we can agree to disagree and be thankful that we're not in a relationship or married to each other - I'd eat you alive!


You continue to prove my point.

Thanks again!!

:smthumbup:


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

tacoma said:


> I`m beginning to get a bit annoyed that my posts are being misconstrued.
> 
> I`ve never even eluded to this point of view and in fact have stated that any insecurities a woman has about porn needs to be dealt with through communication.
> 
> ...


 :rofl:

Annoyed? No one can make you feel that way unless you let them. It wasn't my intention, I just I asked a question. But I read ya loud and clear.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> So what would your solution be then for a woman who dislikes porn because it makes her feel "less then"....more porn?


Therapy/counseling I suppose.
An understanding husband willing to wean her out of these feelings would go far as well.
I never had this problem so honestly I`ve not given it much thought.



> The movie I cited was just a made up title. You get the picture though.


Too bad, sounded like something my wife would enjoy.




> So you'd be cool with it, groovy. I can assure you that for many of the men here who view it as their male right, they would flip their sh!t if their wives were hiding porn/lying about it using men 20 years younger and had a unit the size of a footlong Subway sandwich.


Well then they have their own problems to deal with.

I do remember the one guy who was freaked over his wifes collection of gangbang DVD`s.

I`m going to go find that thread and see what he eventually did.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

"Porn..seriously whats the big deal?"

Well apparently its a very big deal to those who love it. They will defend it and almost damn near kill you to prove their point on how wonderful it is and how its the best thing since sliced bread.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

trey69 said:


> :rofl:
> 
> Annoyed? No one can make you feel that way unless you let them. It wasn't my intention, I just I asked a question. But I read ya loud and clear.


Trey, in post #52 you quoted my statement that a womans inscurities should be helped by communication about them and then alluded to to the falsity that I was stating there was no need for the man to have any understanding of the womans perspective.



trey69 said:


> So there is no need for a male to understand the womans perspective on it? :scratchhead:
> 
> Just for the female to understand the males perspective and all will be well?


That is either intentionally disingenuous or a sign of illiteracy.

I think you can read.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> "Porn..seriously whats the big deal?"
> 
> Well apparently its a very big deal to those who love it. They will defend it and almost damn near kill you to prove their point on how wonderful it is and how its the best thing since sliced bread.


Really?

Where/when has this happened?

It seems to me the big deal is being made by those who dislike it.

Those who like it have repeatedly stated in many thread that it`s not a big deal.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Angel5112 said:


> I myself like porn quite a bit, but if it bothered my H I *KNOW* that I could be sexually happy without it.


:smthumbup: I think thats the thing though, some people can not be happy without it. Its like they absolutely have to have it in their lives, like some kind of drug coursing through their veins.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> ME!
> 
> I'm actually married to Big, Bad and Hung - reason he's still around...:smthumbup:
> 
> For me, the bigger, the better. Everything else - it's like a toothpick in a bucket!!! :lol:


Can't understand who they interview for the size does not matter thing. Size matters, too thin is worse that too short. Girth is important because it hits all of the right spots if it is wide enough. Plus a big one is much more impressive and manly. I have only seen two in real life but I have head description by gf with more experience and size mattered to every single one. 

I think that the size demands are already having an effect. Young girls look at porn too and average size is not a well represented in porn. Boys are more nervous about size and girls may be disappointed that not too many guys have larger than average.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Angel5112 said:


> Men are just as responsible, if not more, for not entering into a relationship with a woman who is anti-porn if they can't live without it. If porn is such an integral part of your sexuality then it is your responsibility to state that. You should assume, for the health of your relationships, that all women are anti-porn, as all women who are completely anti-porn women should assume all men are porn addicts, until the discover otherwise. This way the topic is always discussed and hashed out in the beginning of the relationship, not after 10 years of marriage.


Most definitely!!


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Really?
> 
> Where/when has this happened?
> 
> ...


No it works both ways I suppose. BUT for some reason it seems SOME who do love it, will go way more out of their way to prove why that is or defend why they feel the way the do, than someone who may not care for it.


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## CalifGuy (Nov 2, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> I could call people who look at porn losers because they waste hrs of their lives sitting in front of a computer sceen playing with themselves instead of doing something useful with their time. I could call them self indulgent and lacking in control because tgey cannot resist allowing themselves to be controlled by watching other men have sex.
> 
> I could call them boys instead of men because they have to hide in behind blaming women instead of standing up like men and owning that they are controlled by images on a screen. I could call them sad and hollow because their lives are so consumed by pleasure seeking and wast money and time supporting an industry that is immoral carupt and criminal.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Catherine, but why do you even care what other people do with their lives, whether it is to be consumed with porn, or to sit around and watch The View/Soap Operas/Dr. Phil, to spend a lot of time worshiping their God of choice, or beating off to porn?

I would be willing to bet that there are a good number of men, like myself, who use porn to complement their otherwise healthy sex lives. These days, I can count on my wife for sex maybe 4 times a week but, *until you have the opportunity to have a hard penis attached to your body, then you really shouldn't judge whether a man should masturbate or not* (and I could not imagine just lying there and masturbating with my eyes closed without porn).

On the days I am not having sex, I see no harm in masturbating to porn and there is no more fantasizing going on in porn for me than sometimes exists when I am having sex with my wife. Trust me, as bad as it may make me sound, sometimes my wife, in my mind, becomes one of her friends, becomes her brother's wife, becomes a woman at the gym I'm attracted to, becomes a 33 year old teacher (while I am a 16 year old student) who I am having sex with to pass her high school class, etc. Sex with someone for the 1,500th time just isn't the same as having sex with someone for the first or even the 100th time so fantasies play a very useful role.

As far as what some of the others have written, my wildest sex has not come from fantasies I've tried to live out from things I've seen in porn, but rather from dating women between marriages. I would've never dreamed of choking a woman while I am inside her missionary style, pulling her hair HARD while I am inside her doggy style, spanking her until she literally had bruises on her butt while inside her doggy style (and still being told to spank her harder), slapping a woman across the face while inside her, and even fisting a woman at her own request and told by her that it was the most intense feeling and orgasm she could get by being fisted and that she could only equate it to the feeling that heroin users had described the high from heroin was like. NONE of this was porn induced but rather induced by quite normal women (Fist Girl, as I adoringly like to remember her, was a petite newly inducted attorney about 30 years old, for example).

Now what I did learn from porn was invaluable and that was cunnilingus and this has served me well. It was one movie that I must have watched as about a 21 year old, before I even had a serious relationship, and the actress from the porn movie was just enjoying the cunninlingus WAAAAYYY too much to be faking it. I had the chance to put it into action a few months later and knew I was onto something special and have only perfected it in the near two decades since.

Ideally, I would have sex with my wife 5 days a week, and then masturbate on the two off days. I try to make a very conscious effort NOT to masturbate on days where there is even a remote chance we will have sexual intercourse but if I masturbate during my DW's period, when the most I'll get is a BJ, then, well, that is ok...may take her a couple minutes longer to make me climax and she may not be satisfied with the amount I ejaculate, but, c'est la vie.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

tacoma said:


> I`m beginning to get a bit annoyed that my posts are being misconstrued.
> 
> I`ve never even eluded to this point of view and in fact have stated that any insecurities a woman has about porn needs to be dealt with through communication.
> 
> ...


It's not about twisting.

It's about how what "you're saying" is being interpreted by others on the board.

Your intent is for the reader/listener to "understand" your message.

If we're not understanding, then it's not our interpretation that is at fault, it's the way you are delivering your message .

Appears I'm not the only one "hearing" what you are actually saying versus what you want us to hear.

But we love ya anyway...keep posting - it's what makes it interesting!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> No it works both ways I suppose. BUT for some reason it seems SOME who do love it, will go way more out of their way to prove why that is or defend why they feel the way the do, than someone who may not care for it.


Understood.

I don`t "love" porn nor do I have a problem with it.

I am visually stimulated and it`s an aid to my sexuality.

My problem is that I won`t have my sexuality controlled by my wife or SO.

It`s mine, I`ll share it with her but she doesn`t own it and if she attempted to the result would be ugly. 

Thankfully she knows this.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

tacoma said:


> Trey, in post #52 you quoted my statement that a womans inscurities should be helped by communication about them and then alluded to to the falsity that I was stating there was no need for the man to have any understanding of the womans perspective.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


What part are you not getting? I SAID I read you loud and clear, surely you can understand that.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

tacoma said:


> Really?
> 
> Where/when has this happened?
> 
> ...


And MOST of those are MEN.

See the correlation?

You don't have women out here saying it's not big deal (some, but definitely the minority, not the majority).

It is a big deal TO US.

And if you cared about US, then it would be a big deal to you too.

That's where the real problem lies. And we can't seem to get through to "you men (not all)" that the problem really is perception and how it makes us feel - not that we're trying to control you, etc.

A lot of women are just as visual as men - but you don't find us wanking off to every naked picture we can find...that's the difference - self-control and respect for your partner - simple as that.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

tacoma said:


> You continue to prove my point.
> 
> Thanks again!!
> 
> :smthumbup:


And you mine...keep it coming, you sound more and more like Al Bundy with every post!


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> It's not about twisting.
> 
> It's about how what "you're saying" is being interpreted by others on the board.



thanks MWIL, sometimes it not what a person says but they way they say it. And yes sometimes its the perception of whats being said, but I would think it can go either way on both parts.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Trying to come to an understanding between staunch porn defenders and staunch anti porn people is about as fruitful as trying to broker a peace agreement between Palestine and Israel. It might work for a little bit but eventually all hell breaks lose.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> Can't understand who they interview for the size does not matter thing. Size matters, too thin is worse that too short. Girth is important because it hits all of the right spots if it is wide enough. Plus a big one is much more impressive and manly. I have only seen two in real life but I have head description by gf with more experience and size mattered to every single one.
> 
> I think that the size demands are already having an effect. Young girls look at porn too and average size is not a well represented in porn. Boys are more nervous about size and girls may be disappointed that not too many guys have larger than average.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


AMEN to that Catherine! 

Size only "doesn't" matter if you have no other experience or nothing to compare it to.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

trey69 said:


> thanks MWIL, sometimes it not what a person says but they way they say it. And yes sometimes its the perception of whats being said, but I would think it can go either way on both parts.


True - there's always that - he said, she said thing, huh?

Agree to disagree - that's what makes the world go round.

It would be awfully boring if we all thought the same way and agreed on everything (wouldn't marriage too? HA).


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> AMEN to that Catherine!
> 
> Size only "doesn't" matter if you have no other experience or nothing to compare it to.


Don't some men prefer virgins for this very reason?

"You must be this big to ride this ride".


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## Confused_and_bitter (Aug 6, 2011)

I didn't have a problem with porn at all the H would leave for work and be gone from M-F and I wasn't naive enough to think he would "hold out" till he got home so porn served him well when not at home. I knew he watched and even his favorites. Where it started to become a problem was when we only had sex once and he would, by his own admission, go to the truck and beat off the minute he had a chance. I am by no means prudish when it comes to sex, in fact I'm a bit more experimental than he is because I enjoy sex immensely. I always thought that fulfilling his fantasies would keep him interested but I was proven wrong. If I'm lucky we will have sex once a week even now that I'm in the truck with him. Now I'm not saying ALL men are like this just mine and that is why I have a problem with porn.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

trey69 said:


> thanks MWIL, sometimes it not what a person says but they way they say it. And yes sometimes its the perception of whats being said, but I would think it can go either way on both parts.


Amen on that. You can be the most knowledgeable person (or you can think so anyway) , on a subject, but if you come across as holier than thou or a know it all, well then you're just a dumbass in my book. :rofl:


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

CalifGuy said:


> Catherine, but why do you even care what other people do with their lives, whether it is to be consumed with porn, or to sit around and watch The View/Soap Operas/Dr. Phil, to spend a lot of time worshiping their God of choice, or beating off to porn?
> 
> I would be willing to bet that there are a good number of men, like myself, who use porn to complement their otherwise healthy sex lives. These days, I can count on my wife for sex maybe 4 times a week but, *until you have the opportunity to have a hard penis attached to your body, then you really shouldn't judge whether a man should masturbate or not* (and I could not imagine just lying there and masturbating with my eyes closed without porn).
> 
> ...


To me this sounds like YOU have a forceful sex drive, because you are the man, and that you NEED to masturbate when not having sex, because having a hard "p$nis" attached to your body couldn't possibly be any different than having a ripe "vajay".

I have never been able to figure out why men think they have the upper hand when it comes to sexual frequency, need and drive.

I have more of a drive than my husband - so does this give me the right to become a porn hound?

If your spouse is on-board, then great.

If not, then respect him/her and their feelings on the subject. Bottom line.

SEX is NOT MANDATORY - you do not need it to LIVE.

Self-control people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Don't some men prefer virgins for this very reason?
> 
> "You must be this big to ride this ride".


:rofl:

Yep - no comparison.

When that happens, watch out...


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Where's Ian Ironwood in all of this? You yell fire and most people run, yell porn and he comes running with melted rubber under his Nike's.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Where's Ian Ironwood in all of this? You yell fire and most people run, yell porn and he comes running with melted rubber under his Nike's.


Whoa, funny you should mention him. I was thinking the same thing earlier in this post. I bet he is still "around." Someone mentioned him once before in another thread, then all of a sudden he appeared.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

CallaLily said:


> Whoa, funny you should mention him. I was thinking the same thing earlier in this post. I bet he is still "around." Someone mentioned him once before in another thread, then all of a sudden he appeared.


He'll wait until this post is at 22 pages and then go in for the kill and drag it out another 29 pages with his dissertation on how porn is a need for a man, as much so as say air and water.


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> He'll wait until this post is at 22 pages and then go in for the kill and drag it out another 29 pages with his dissertation on how porn is a need for a man, as much so as say air and water.


But that's the truth.


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## mr.rightaway (Apr 27, 2010)

IanIronWood, speak brother, speak.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

scione said:


> But that's the truth.


He is wildly entertaining and yeah, I admire that he is so steadfast in his convictions. I do mean that with all sincerity. 

At around page 23, he will start us on our journey towards understanding the first cave drawing porn. Something involving a spear, me thinks.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

mr.rightaway said:


> IanIronWood, speak brother, speak.


He's not logged in. There must be a porn convention going down in Amsterdam.


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## mr.rightaway (Apr 27, 2010)

Directions?


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

mr.rightaway said:


> Directions?


Just follow your hard on.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> He's not logged in. There must be a porn convention going down in Amsterdam.


He may be writing about it in his blog. Or maybe he is doing one of his interviews with a porn star. Watching it with the Mrs would be my guess. He is to busy.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> I think it has a lot to do with how we are conditioned as children about sex. As someone else pointed out, adolescent males are shamed by their mothers into hiding their porn. Heck, they hide it even when their mothers don't shame them - my boys have never been shamed about it yet they still hide it. Since they were small, if they wanted to play with themselves I would simply tell them that they needed to do so in private because it's a private thing. Obviously we don't want to bring up our boys to whip out their penises whenever they feel like it and whack off - it has to be something they do in private, but it doesn't need to be shameful.
> 
> Anyway, it isn't acceptable for guys or girls to masturbate in public, hence the feeling that it has to be done in private, therefore when a couple first get together there is more often than not an awkwardness surrounding talking about sex or doing anything with each other that may be construed as 'kinky', until they know each other better. Sex talk is not something people just do whenever they feel like it or with just anyone. So how can we expect either guys or girls to be able to just talk about it with their spouses? Parents don't raise their children with this expectation, because parents generally don't talk to their kids about sex other than the mechanics of it, use a condom, be careful, do it with someone you love, there you go. It's something we each have to come in to our own about.
> 
> *So when a guy (or a girl) realizes he/she is horny and there's no one else around, and they take care of themselves, they're left with a feeling that they've done something wrong.* How wrong they think it is will depend on their upbringing and other things. A guy who uses an opportunity to masturbate to computer porn is going to feel some degree of guilt. Whether he can talk to his wife about what he does will depend on many factors, and we can't say there is one blanket reason for it if he doesn't talk to her and takes it underground. It may be that his wife is a prude. It may be that his mother shamed him so much he feels way too guilty. It's going to be different for every couple.


Again, not all of us think that the masturbation part is wrong or anything to feel guilty about.


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## CalifGuy (Nov 2, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> To me this sounds like YOU have a forceful sex drive, because you are the man, and that you NEED to masturbate when not having sex, because having a hard "p$nis" attached to your body couldn't possibly be any different than having a ripe "vajay".
> 
> I have never been able to figure out why men think they have the upper hand when it comes to sexual frequency, need and drive.
> 
> ...


Self control? Really? 

And if a spouse is on board for sex, "then great" but, if not, one person has to be left out in the cold? Really?

Just as easily that could be turned around to say that if one doesn't want sex but that the partner does then the partner should be accomodating each and every time.

While admittedly hedonistic in my desires, as far as I know, I only get one ride on this carousel known as life and nothing brings me more pleasure than sex and I want it as much as possible and have remained faithful to my wife for the entire time we have been together and she knew my sexual appetite when she married me. So, for me to masturbate on occasion should not be a big deal and I see no need for "self control" in this area.

Would you also preach self control to those struggling with their weight and tell them to not eat more than 1,500 calories a day and exercise daily until they were no longer classified as obese? If you preach self control, I hope it is in other areas, as well.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

swedish said:


> Let's assume for a minute you had a less than average size penis and you stumbled upon your wife's internet history showing a significant amount of porn where it was clear the focus was on extra large sized men ...
> 
> Would you still feel like 'awesome! she masturbates to porn!' or would there be any self-doubt going on there that maybe you were not 'enough' for her?


:rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## mr.rightaway (Apr 27, 2010)

I enjoy following it but it doesn't have GPS.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

CallaLily said:


> He may be writing about it in his blog. Or maybe he is doing one of his interviews with a porn star. Watching it with the Mrs would be my guess. He is to busy.


Ever read some of his writing? Pretty good stuff until the very end when it was about as sexy as a bucket of ice water down my pants.

Love ya Ian. Talented writer but ease up on the literal wording.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

mr.rightaway said:


> I enjoy following it but it doesn't have GPS.


Then use it like you would a water finding stick.


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> And you mine...keep it coming, you sound more and more like Al Bundy with every post!


 Ya but Al Bundy hated having sex with Peg


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Ever read some of his writing? Pretty good stuff until the very end when it was about as sexy as a bucket of ice water down my pants.
> 
> Love ya Ian. Talented writer but ease up on the literal wording.



Yes, I have read some of his blogs.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I guess we know how all the defenders spend most of their time...!


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## mr.rightaway (Apr 27, 2010)

I have only been kidding, but I do think that this issue is commonly overblown by women. With that said, porn can be a problem when it becomes a distraction in the relationship to avoid other problems, and not because that chick on the video is better-looking and kinkier than you are.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

See this is the problem.

There`s lots of harassment going on here from the anti-porn crowd but little to no real discussion.

Numerous valid points have been made in this thread and each is mostly being ignored in preference to personal attacks.

-Women have body issues due to our western cultures emphasis on unobtainable physical "perfection".
These issues cause an irrational dogmatic aversion to porn.

-Men have issues with hiding the fact that they are visually stimulated due to our western cultures taboo on porn.
These issues cause shame and secretiveness about mens porn use.

-Both of these issues can be overcome by understanding and communication.

Brighteyes brought up a great question earlier.

What do you do about these stigmas men and women have concerning their bodies and sexuality?

Anyone want to have a go at that question?

Does anyone want to have a "real" conversation about these issues are should me just keep piling on the personal attacks?


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Nah, I finally got bored, <YAWN> but have fun! 

I will probably read more on the thread tonight before bed. Good reading material.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

tacoma said:


> See this is the problem.
> 
> There`s lots of harassment going on here from the anti-porn crowd but little to no real discussion.
> 
> ...


This forum has had oodles of "real" discussions. I mean one porn thread lasted 49 pages until it was locked. There is little point to having another round at it so at this point, I just prefer to see the humor in all of it. 
The only porn thread that would shock my nipples in to submission at this point would be a husband coming in with a title of "I respect my wife too much to hurt her with porn". Other than that, it's been done including an entire thread that asked what your porn name would be if you had to take your first pet and the name of the street you grew up on.

Signed, Peaches Capri.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> This forum has had oodles of "real" discussions. I mean one porn thread lasted 49 pages until it was locked. There is little point to having another round at it so at this point, I just prefer to see the humor in all of it.
> The only porn thread that would shock my nipples in to submission at this point would be a husband coming in with a title of "I respect my wife too much to hurt her with porn". Other than that, it's been done including an entire thread that asked what your porn name would be if you had to take your first pet and the name of the street you grew up on.
> 
> Signed, Peaches Capri.


:lol: :rofl:


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> This forum has had oodles of "real" discussions. I mean one porn thread lasted 49 pages until it was locked.


It just seemed to me that the OP asked a valid question.

The CWI forum has had oodles of threads about spouses screwing around in their marriages but we don`t usually turn the thread into a giggling/bashing free for all out of respect for the OP.
I was just thinking we could do the same here.



> There is little point to having another round at it so at this point, I just prefer to see the humor in all of it.


I don`t mind humor and in fact you and I have had more than a couple of funny exchanges in threads containing fairly serious topics.
It just kinda seems to be getting nasty in this one and I don`t see why it has to.



> Other than that, it's been done including an entire thread that asked what your porn name would be if you had to take your first pet and the name of the street you grew up on.
> 
> Signed, Peaches Capri.


Mr.Bojangles Novus isn`t going to go over real well on a theater marque is it?


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

tacoma said:


> It just seemed to me that the OP asked a valid question.
> 
> The CWI forum has had oodles of threads about spouses screwing around in their marriages but we don`t usually turn the thread into a giggling/bashing free for all out of respect for the OP.
> I was just thinking we could do the same here.
> ...


Maybe because some of your replies on this topic seem so cut and dried - your way or the highway type of thing.

You showed a GF the door cuz she didn't like porn, that's your choice. Other guys might show a little more sensitivity...

You repeatedly say that this is not an issue for you because your SO doesn't mind and participates. Again, that's great for you too!

Some of us can only wish for such and open and adventurous partner - I'll tell you something...when I recently suggested participating with H, he balked and got all uncomfortable. So for myself, no matter which way I try to handle this, it's going to be wrong.

Phoebe Cardinal


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

tacoma said:


> It just seemed to me that the OP asked a valid question.
> 
> The CWI forum has had oodles of threads about spouses screwing around in their marriages but we don`t usually turn the thread into a giggling/bashing free for all out of respect for the OP.
> I was just thinking we could do the same here.
> ...


Meh, I didn't see anybody getting nasty. I think a lot of us see a title like this and think here we go again and recognize it for being inciting if you will. Not accusing the OP of that btw, just some of us old timers know what's coming down the pike and we never get anywhere. It does turn humerous oftentimes so it makes for a great read.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Bottom line appears to be that women need to be more visual. Ladies, go rent whatever you like, hide it, lie some more, lust after it, hurt your spouse.


 But that is just it, women wouldn't have to lie about it at all, most men would wholeheartily welcome them doing what you just described here. My husband gets a charge out of it . I rented this one day, out or pure curisoity, husband had no care to watch this one. ha ha Private ****s: Men Exposed (TV 1999) - IMDb 

When it comes to penis comparisons, it is all in how it is used anyway- so long as it can rock you to an orgasm, it's all goooooood. Problems come in when you have past lovers, so the comparisons start. Otherwise you would never know the difference. I will never know the difference, probably a blessing, but I am always panting for more of him. My husband is small in comparison -average average average . A pee in comparison to those porn stars. And still he is not at all threatened by me viewing bigger ones. 




> SA, what works for you doesn't always work for others. There are plenty of people who don't like porn and that doesn't make them insecure.


Oh I realize what you say to be *very true*, I know a # of physically beautiful very secure christian women -they despise any form of porn. Some of them will not even look upon an R rated movie. I was foolish enough, at one of my parties this summer, laughing in the moment, we were all speaking of naughty things -I opened my mouth - inserted FOOT telling them how how me & husband likes to watch a little porn sometimes -the more Romantic soft stuff. I was just being myself !! Will I ever learn - I might as well hang a sign on my forehead that says "*JUDGE ME- Please*!!!". Well, at least I get a rise out of people, even if it was a little delayed. You get to learn what someone is made of and where their judgements fall. It has value . 

Just as in marriage, a man has to slilence his voice on his enjoyments, oh how I learned....so true in some friendships as well. 

These women sat on my porch, laughing WITH ME, one even said to my face she didn't see a problem if it was just between Me & my husband, then 3 hrs after she left, I get this FB message with JUDGEMENT written all over it, a shaming. It literally choked me up. Was she feeling guilty before God from her own enjoyment of the evening, will I ever know! Did she want to use me to make herself feel better. Took me a few days but I realized I am no worse of a person or Mother for that matter , for having the enjoyments I/we hold... My husband is such a comforter in these harships with critics on every corner, tying to spit in our faces & shame us - God I love that man! 

I just learned....with some people you need to MASK who you really are , they can't handle another's truth. 


*My opionion matters NOT to any of you*.... but if your partner is not on the same page as you, which seems to happen tremendously with this issue, solely blaming & blasting THEM, insinuating they are weak , have no self control, freaks , how can they look upon that, it's so gross, giving attitude that you are superiorly more moral in comparison -this will not help your men to change. Sorry -some understanding is needed, *some grace-on your part, as their other half. *

I give this one poster here a ton of credit - RDJ, he comes here as a MAN reformed, he puts himself down and lifts up his wife, even in her struggles-which are many, he concentrates on how HE can understand her better. As the husband, he values the woman. As a man, he tries to see inside her psyche. If every wife would concentrate on seeing inside her husbands psyche and every man doing what RDJ does-heck reading this posts, I have wanted to defend the man -he gets so carried away! We so often choose to play "Clobber the other sex" game , beat them down another notch or two, we are beating out chests..look at us, see it our way! 


To reach for an understanding outside of ourselves, our lovers fantasies, thier mindset, their sexual enjoyments , thier KINK if you will -without putting them in the ground & trampleing them, it will be noticed and appreciated, or so I think. 

I am always thankful when I come across those that -maybe they choose to NOT entertain themselves with some skin flicks, but still, they give others GRACE in not judging what may be a spicing to others. We rented it for a time, we stopped a while ago. We don't "need" it either, I don't mean to defend it that vehemently --- But I am not going to lie to try to make myself look better or accepted by the more moral women here, I still LIKE it now & then. It is arousing and it trips my triggers, just like reading a hot romance.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> Maybe because some of your replies on this topic seem so cut and dried - your way or the highway type of thing.


Yeah but they`re really not and that`s what I`m asking for .
Someone to address my replies, I`m getting everything BUT replies directed at what I`ve written for the most part.

If I were to get replies that rationally dealt with the actual points being made I`d be happy in the discussion and maybe even change my mind about some things.



> You showed a GF the door cuz she didn't like porn, that's your choice. Other guys might show a little more sensitivity...


No, I showed a girlfriend the door because she was irrational about a few Penthouses that weren`t even mine and I knew from her irrational insecurity about a few nudes we were never going to make it as a couple.
The event made it crystal clear we were sexually incompatible.

I guess I could have been more "sensitive" and wasted a few months or years on playing the porn cat and mouse game, learned to resent each other, and wasting everyone`s time but I figured life was too short.



> Some of us can only wish for such and open and adventurous partner - I'll tell you something...when I recently suggested participating with H, he balked and got all uncomfortable. So for myself, no matter which way I try to handle this, it's going to be wrong.


Which is a really good reason to actually have this discussion.
Brighteyes is right, there are a lot of threads on this subject which just shows me there`s a problem.

It just seems not too many people are really interested in figuring it out.

I think I and some other posters here have made some very valid points that could lead everyone interested towards a better understanding of why this subject is causing problems in their lives and maybe how to deal with it in a more productive manner because what everyone`s doing now doesn`t seem to be working.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

mr.rightaway said:


> Actually, it would be interesting to find out how the younger generation of women view porn versus women who are older, due to the fact that up-and-coming women have grown up with the availability of porn, for both their man and themselves, their whole lives. Porn has been around for some time but nowhere close to what it is available today. The "instantaneousness" of porn is something older women never had to deal with in such force and, as has been stated in other threads, porn distorts the female's power-balance in the sexual arena, which I suspect that is the main sticking point.


Actually that will be interesting to see.

Teen girls today seem to have an entirely different view of porn and their attitudes about it might drive a completely different cultural attitude about it.

It would also be cool if their viewing of porn finally gave woman some better choices in the actual consumption of mainstream porn 
as female centered porn doesn`t seem to have been able to get anywhere as of yet.

Truthfully for all the defending I seem to be doing in this thread I really dislike most mainstream porn simply because it sucks.

A womans touch would definitely improve the options.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> The only porn thread that would shock my nipples in to submission at this point would be a husband coming in with a title of "I respect my wife too much to hurt her with porn". Signed, Peaches Capri.


Would a reply do? Like, say one on page four? Sorry, but the mental images...

In a few cases, we are arguing around some really important points. How does it make your spouse feel? When my wife was involved with occasional fashion modelling, models at some of the bigger shows had to change in the open backstage. This bra might not work with that outfit, etc, so they had to change. Many guys worked back stage. They had some private areas, but the procession was just too fast to use them. I didn't like it one bit, although it wasn't a big deal to her, but she refused to participate unless they gave her a rotation where some semblance of privacy could exist. 

So, when watching certain media really makes her feel insecure, then this trumps porn. Some of us don't do it because it is hurtful to our wife. I guess the point smacked me in the face when her own insecurity landed her in the hospital from problems with bulemia. When her medical career took all of her time, I was relieved, but the self-image issues don't go away as easily


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## mr.rightaway (Apr 27, 2010)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Meh, I didn't see anybody getting nasty. I think a lot of us see a title like this and think here we go again and recognize it for being inciting if you will. Not accusing the OP of that btw, just some of us old timers know what's coming down the pike and we never get anywhere. It does turn humerous oftentimes so it makes for a great read.


Actually, it would be interesting to find out how the younger generation of women view porn versus women who are older, due to the fact that up-and-coming women have grown up with the availability of porn, for both their man and themselves, their whole lives. Porn has been around for some time but nowhere close to what it is available today. The "instantaneousness" of porn is something older women never had to deal with in such force and, as has been stated in other threads, porn distorts the female's power-balance in the sexual arena, which I suspect is the main sticking point.
*
Sorry, I deleted my first post to re-organize my thoughts.*

Mr. X, or Mr.Rightaway. Whichever is more comfortable for you.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I can answer as an 'older' woman (of 47  ) The older I get the more laid back I get about sex, the more I enjoy it, and the less inhibited I am. I was far more uptight about porn 15 years ago than I am today.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

mr.rightaway said:


> Actually, it would be interesting to find out how the younger generation of women view porn versus women who are older, due to the fact that up-and-coming women have grown up with the availability of porn, for both their man and themselves, their whole lives. Porn has been around for some time but nowhere close to what it is available today. The "instantaneousness" of porn is something older women never had to deal with in such force and, as has been stated in other threads, porn distorts the female's power-balance in the sexual arena, which I suspect is the main sticking point.
> *
> Sorry, I deleted my first post to re-organize my thoughts.*
> 
> Mr. X, or Mr.Rightaway. Whichever is more comfortable for you.


Ahem, when I said "old timers" I meant people who have been around TAM for a while, not that I am old!!!!


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## aznmommy3 (Nov 8, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Me & mine enjoy watching it together, I think I like it more than him. He told me one day he enjoys watching me watch it ! It has been very spicey for us--this once sexually repressed couple getting a little wild in midlife. We have never been with another and this is our only "variety" . I love the fact he is doggish, just shows his hormones are working & working WELL, a sign of health & vitality .... a HORNY man is a HEALTHY MAN.


It's good that your husband likes to watch them with you. My ex used to be the same way. Infact, he never bother watching porn on his own (rather played sports then watch porn). I was the one who asked him to watch with me was i very much enjoyed it. It spiced things up and we have great sex. We always tried new things. Has sex nearly everyday in our 5 year relationship. And we were both virgins.

But my now husband refuses to watch with me. He says porn is ment to be enjoyed alone. And he watches it so much (probably have like 1000 titles on his HD) and giving himself enjoyment to the point where my own needs were turned down a few times because he was "too tired". Then porn became a turn off to me and so did he. The husband has also been around the block more then once. Combine with so much porn usage, you'd think he's be more adventures in bed. Nope, i called him the 3 step man. I give him a BJ, we do the deed and he turns around and sleeps. While me on the other hand miss things like bondage, spanking, dirty talk, dress up play and anal (the husband refuses this one and here i thought all men want to do anal).

So in my situation, i have taken the back seat to his porn. For 11 years, i have always been here to satisfy his needs but i have no one to satisfy mine.


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## mr.rightaway (Apr 27, 2010)

I see. I think I interpreted that to mean both when I first read it and gambled that my point would be understood when applied to age.


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## aznmommy3 (Nov 8, 2011)

tacoma said:


> The women who do have the problem with porn would do themselves a favor by figuring out where the fear of that perceived reaction comes from.


I myself don't have a problem with porn. I have my own collection on my computer (both me and the husbands have out own computer) My issue is that i feel out sex life has taken a back seat to his porn and masturbating.

I'm glad your wife don't have a problem but tell me, how would you feel if your wife started watching porn of men who are more endowed then you and choose masturbating over having sex with you. Would you have a problem with it? Or would you be ok and give her her much needed private space even if it ment your needs will not be met.

If you don't want your wife to do that to you then why do you want to do that to her? Plus watching porn and masturbating is not going to bring any affection and closeness to the relationship except perhaps affection and closeness to your hand.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

I'm not a big fan of porn really. I find it to be a waste of my time more than anything. Although I did enjoy it more when I was a teen and in my early 20s. Thats probably when I got the most out of it. 

Anyway I do think its good though if a person can be in a relationship with someone who share the same views on the matter. I know that doesn't always happen, if so it wouldn't be so many threads on it being a problem. 

So if you enjoy porn and your partner does too, great, If you don't enjoy it and your partner doesn't either, great.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

aznmommy3 said:


> But my now husband refuses to watch with me. He says porn is ment to be enjoyed alone. And he watches it so much (probably have like 1000 titles on his HD) and giving himself enjoyment to the point where my own needs were turned down a few times because he was "too tired". Then porn became a turn off to me and so did he. The husband has also been around the block more then once. Combine with so much porn usage, you'd think he's be more adventures in bed. Nope, i called him the 3 step man. I give him a BJ, we do the deed and he turns around and sleeps. While me on the other hand miss things like bondage, spanking, dirty talk, dress up play and anal (the husband refuses this one and here i thought all men want to do anal).
> 
> So in my situation, i have taken the back seat to his porn. For 11 years, i have always been here to satisfy his needs but i have no one to satisfy mine.


...And in this situation, he is being totally selfish, sounds like a porn addiction, no consideration or pleasure for you, his wife. To me, I would even look on this as a form of cheating if my husband so much as did this and left me hanging. This is not at all healthy, but you already know that.

. What you shared with your Ex -was very healthy. You have experienced both sides of this. 

Not all men want anal, my husband has warned me, Not even a finger up his back door, If I would even get close to his crack, he would slam his cheeks together. NO access allowed. BUt that is Ok, I am not clammering too either. ha ha.


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## aznmommy3 (Nov 8, 2011)

swedish said:


> Let's assume for a minute you had a less than average size penis and you stumbled upon your wife's internet history showing a significant amount of porn where it was clear the focus was on extra large sized men ...
> 
> Would you still feel like 'awesome! she masturbates to porn!' or would there be any self-doubt going on there that maybe you were not 'enough' for her?


My husband is Asian (so am i). I think an average size Asian is probably still considered smaller then an average size white guy.

As a woman who does occasionally enjoy a little porn. I would like to say that i do prefer looking at well endowed men (not like they will hire actors with super small penises anyway). I wonder how the husband would feel if he sees the kind of porn i prefer (big ****s and gangbangs) and the sizes of some of my toys.

But in the end, i would give up porn and toys and choose the real thing. Toys don't exactly taste so good and either is going to give me the emotional affection that i need as a person. Too bad the husband don't feel the same way.

Perhaps i should try getting back into porn and masturbating and leave him to his own enjoyment. But knowing him, he will eventually complain that i'm not fulfilling his needs.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

aznmommy3 said:


> I myself don't have a problem with porn. I have my own collection on my computer (both me and the husbands have out own computer) My issue is that i feel out sex life has taken a back seat to his porn and masturbating.


From your two posts here I`d say your husband has become obsessed with porn.
That`s an entirely different beast and usually a symptom of some deeper problem.



> I'm glad your wife don't have a problem but tell me, how would you feel if your wife started watching porn of men who are more endowed then you and choose masturbating over having sex with you. Would you have a problem with it?


I`d have a serious problem with it but I`d know there was a bigger problem somewhere and she was using the porn to avoid me sexually.
I`d do what I had to do to get her to open up about the problem so we could work on it.
If I was unsuccessful I`d end the marriage.



> If you don't want your wife to do that to you then why do you want to do that to her?


I don`t do that to her.



> Plus watching porn and masturbating is not going to bring any affection and closeness to the relationship ....


It does when you do it together.


But that final statement is like saying..

"Eating ham sandwiches is not going to bring any affection and closeness to the relationship so why eat ham sandwiches?"

Because ham sandwiches have nothing to do with the relationship and I like them.

If I begin to crave ham sandwiches to the point where I`m spending all our money on sides of cured pork and spending every waking moment baking the perfect rye bread for my sandwiches to the point of ignoring my wifes needs then I have a problem with ham sandwiches.

If my wife becomes irrationally dogmatic in her hatred of ham sandwiches to the point where it`s causing arguments in our relationship ..
"Don`t lie to me you pig I found your goddamn stash of Swiss cheese in the crisper drawer, I know you`ve got the honey cured stuff hidden somewhere in here!!"..

Then she has a problem.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Since I've been an adult, I've always thought that it was about watching it in moderation. 

I don't have any problem with it at all, but I also don't really "collect" it either. On occasion when I'm not going to be with my girl for a length of time I'll watch it. 

I do admit to chaffing a bit at the idea of being told that I can or can't watch it. I think a guy should be sensitive to what his wife or girlfriend thinks, and not have it all over the place or taking the place of having a good physical relationship. But since I'm over 18, I'll decide for myself if I'll look at it or not.


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## aznmommy3 (Nov 8, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Not all men want anal, my husband has warned me, Not even a finger up his back door, If I would even get close to his crack, he would slam his cheeks together. NO access allowed. BUt that is Ok, I am not clammering too either. ha ha.


Well, i don't mean i want to stick things up his behind. Although i am totally up for it if it turns him on. I'm talking more that i myself enjoy anal on me. But unfortunately i only have memories of anal with my ex to replay in my mind, among other stuff we did. In the end, i had more adventures kinky sex with a virgin who was 3 years younger then me then i ever had with a husband with a huge porn collection and who used to love to screw around with girls. I'm thinking the husband really needs to read up on books on how to spice up the marriage and satisfy the wife instead of wasting his time on porn and satisfying his own needs. Because god, i know i've read enough material on how to give good BJs to last a life time.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Soccerfan73 said:


> I don't have any problem with it at all, but I also don't really "collect" it either. On occasion when I'm not going to be with my girl for a length of time I'll watch it.


I don`t collect it either really.
I`ve downloaded about 10 vids and my criteria for their selection was skewed towards my wifes tastes to use as a back drop to our date night.



> But since I'm over 18, I'll decide for myself if I'll look at it or not.


That`s my ultimate point.
If a man is taking care of his wifes wants, needs, and desires ...stop ragging him about his occasional choice in entertainment.

He`s a grown up and constant *****ing is going to do nothing but piss him off.

I`ve read stories here of wives searching trash cans for tissues a guy has used to clean up afterward, advice to put passwords on computers so he can`t access it when she`s away.
Even read one post today where a wife said "He smells different after he masturbates"
WTF?

That`s an unhealthy freaking weird obsession that`s going to do nothing but drive a man away.
She`s not his mommy and he doesn`t need one.


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## aznmommy3 (Nov 8, 2011)

tacoma said:


> I`d have a serious problem with it but I`d know there was a bigger problem somewhere and she was using the porn to avoid me sexually.
> I`d do what I had to do to get her to open up about the problem so we could work on it.
> If I was unsuccessful I`d end the marriage.


Problem is he wants sex with me and he wants his porn and self satisfaction as well. He wants us to only have sex on weekends and he gets the weekdays to himself. He wants me to "do a good job" and satisfy his needs. We talked and he changes his tune every time. First is the "i need to masturbate and watch porn because i feel the sex is not enough and is lacking" then it's the "i need my space and having too much sex is boring" So it's not enough sex, not enough satisfying sex, too much sex, boring to perform back to back...... blah blah blah. Seriously it is hard keeping up with his needs when he himself doesn't know what he wants.

And like i said, he is a boring routine kinda man. So no, he will not watch porn with me even if he knows very well that it's a huge turn on for me. He doesn't care that the more turned on i am the better sex he'll get. He doesn't care because to him, sex is all about him.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

tacoma said:


> If a man is taking care of his wifes wants, needs, and desires ...stop ragging him about his occasional choice in entertainment.
> 
> He`s a grown up and constant *****ing is going to do nothing but piss him off.


Oh I know thats right! My husband best not say a word to me because I enjoy reading a book. And its not even romance novels or trashy books either. He best not say one word with my choice of entertainment. If he is getting sex and its not interferring in our marriage, then shut ya pie hole.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

aznmommy3 said:


> And like i said, he is a boring routine kinda man. So no, he will not watch porn with me even if he knows very well that it's a huge turn on for me. He doesn't care that the more turned on i am the better sex he'll get. He doesn't care because to him, sex is all about him.


Then your problem isn`t porn.
Your problem is you married a fool.

Any man who doesn`t know how hot an emotionally content woman can be sexually is hurting himself almost as much as he`s hurting his wife.


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## aznmommy3 (Nov 8, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Then your problem isn`t porn.
> Your problem is you married a fool.
> 
> Any man who doesn`t know how hot an emotionally content woman can be sexually is hurting himself almost as much as he`s hurting his wife.


Yes, he is a fool But also a fool who cannot stop watching porn and masturbating to enjoy the real thing that's sitting in front of him offering to satisfy all his sexual needs.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

aznmommy3 said:


> Yes, he is a fool But also a fool who cannot stop watching porn and masturbating to enjoy the real thing that's sitting in front of him offering to satisfy all his sexual needs.


Hun he needs some help.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

CalifGuy said:


> Catherine, but why do you even care what other people do with their lives, whether it is to be consumed with porn, or to sit around and watch The View/Soap Operas/Dr. Phil, to spend a lot of time worshiping their God of choice, or beating off to porn?
> 
> I would be willing to bet that there are a good number of men, like myself, who use porn to complement their otherwise healthy sex lives. These days, I can count on my wife for sex maybe 4 times a week but, *until you have the opportunity to have a hard penis attached to your body, then you really shouldn't judge whether a man should masturbate or not* (and I could not imagine just lying there and masturbating with my eyes closed without porn)..


Cali I said I could say those things in response to the post by Tacoma, but I dont. 

My husband is very high drive and would be happy with everyday, I cannot keep up with him so we are 3-4X week. I know he watches porn. He knows I hate the industry and we discussed it early in our relatioonship and on occasion throughout the years . I respect that he was and is upfront with me. He does not back down, get defensive or call me names when I voice my concerns. He never dismisses my concerns as nothing or the overemotional response of an insecure woman. 

Such a response would shock me because we are not disrespectful or dismissive of each others feelings. I think the over the top hostile reaction of some men is a sign of their shame and inability to own what they are doing. It is easier to off load the bad feelings onto women. I would not be attracted to a man who jumped around lashing out at me because he thought his candy was in jeopardy. 

That's why I respect my husband so much, he could take a cheap shot but he does not. We talk but he has no answers for me. I am concerned for my kids as they grow and have access to this material. I am also concerned that the length the porn industry will go to to keep profits high will involve marketing to young men and more interactive material. 

Men get saited on the acts they see and that means that over the years more and more extreme porn-invented sex acts will be presented as the norm and expected. These will place demands on women to perform. I think it will come to a point that men who want porn sex will have a hard time finding love because no woman wants a one-sided sex life. 

No reasonable adult would not give thought to theses issues. Only those minds clouded by easy access to pleasure that they do not want to lose would try to crush any discussion by hurling insults. I am not worried about print and live shows but the endless streaming of sex on the Internet. We have never had to deal with that and there are early reports that there are problems on the horizon the problems are affecting boys.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

aznmommy3 said:


> Yes, he is a fool But also a fool who cannot stop watching porn and masturbating to enjoy the real thing that's sitting in front of him offering to satisfy all his sexual needs.



This was my husband for many months. I was more than willing to have sex with him more than the once a week I was getting it but he had every excuse in the book about why we weren't doing it more. Yet he was in the bathroom helping himself 4+ times a day. I seriously ended up feeling like I was to blame and was over reacting. 

His wake up call came when i told him i wasnt playing roommate anymore and was moving out.


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## aznmommy3 (Nov 8, 2011)

AgentD said:


> Hun he needs some help.


Either that or i need to find a real man who enjoys the touch of a real woman. I'm thinking it would probably be more easy to find a man who wants some exciting hot sex.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

aznmommy3 said:


> Either that or i need to find a real man who enjoys the touch of a real woman. I'm thinking it would probably be more easy to find a man who wants some exciting hot sex.


Then I guess you do what you need to do. Present him with separation/divorce papers.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

CandieGirl said:


> I'm not sure about this. If my H had been upfront about his porn use, instead of sneaking/lying we might have had a rocking great time in bed instead of 3 months of MC.
> 
> *The vicious cycle is really the wives thinking that if he's lying about this...then what else?*Yup, exactly.. I thought my husband was having an affair with a real woman for **** sake... He let it go on and on and on, i guess he would have rather let me think he was having an affair then telling me he was looking at porn:scratchhead: How do you trust someone who lies.. *You can't* A lie is a lie...
> 
> My H and many others I'm sure, had this idea that it would be better to keep these types of things from me than to upset me with the truth. Big mistake on his part!


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## aznmommy3 (Nov 8, 2011)

AgentD said:


> Then I guess you do what you need to do. Present him with separation/divorce papers.


Yeah well, if this persist and we can't resolve the issue then i am ready to leave. My heart no longer cares about him. And i am not about to spend the rest of my life having to masturbate to fulfill my one needs because my husband rather sex his own hand.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I am not shallow minded, quite the opposite actually. 

I did tell my husband how i felt about it while we were dating. He said that he didn't need it, nor did he want to look at it.

Let me say that porn has been going on in my marriage for a very long time... Probably during the entire relationship. I used to get upset about it, but so what whatever. I got over it rather quickly... i did not take it personally at the time. 

My marriage is in ruin. We have problems that have been unresolved for a few years. He will not help me to resolve them. Our sex life is pretty much non exsistant. So when I do find porn it hurts more then most of you will ever know. Then him lying about it makes it worse. Most of you won't understand...How it make some of us feel. especially when our marriage is suffering because of it.

At this point he may as well be having an affair... I say that because my needs go neglected, I have always had a high drive, want sex all the time. like everyday.. but he would rather have his hand and porn over a real woman who actually wanted sex with her husband.

from now on he can have all the porn he wants... I am done. 

My drive is gone and i mean GONE. I am emotional withdrawn, the connection I once had with my husband is gone, completely. I dont feel good enough for him. I am 33 years old now not 18.. I feel i am too old for him, even though he is 10 years older then i am. 

The fact of the matter is that he chooses that over me. That is where the issues come in. We basically have a sexless marriage. approx. 6 times a year, not by my choice. I get told NO all the time... my self esteem is non exsistant, self worth gone and so on. I feel like a peice of garbage that he tossed out when he was done with it.

I am married to a man who doesn't give a rats ass about my feelings, when we were dating he told me i was not allowed to have any male friends. I stopped talking to them all without thinking about it.. and funny thing after that i had no friends at all. All my friends were male... I was always just one of the "guys" they would tell me. He does not respect my feelings. I guess i could have gone behind his back and still talked to them and hung out with them, but that wouldn't be respecting his feeling, now would it. Same with the porn, he doesn't respect my feelings.

I live in Washington and have to be separated for at least 3 months before you can even file for Divorce. I am leaving in Feb 2012.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

aznmommy3 said:


> Yeah well, if this persist and we can't resolve the issue then i am ready to leave. My heart no longer cares about him. And i am not about to spend the rest of my life having to masturbate to fulfill my one needs because my husband rather sex his own hand.


Same here....


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## aznmommy3 (Nov 8, 2011)

ladybird said:


> I am not shallow minded, quite the opposite actually.
> 
> I did tell my husband how i felt about it while we were dating. He said that he didn't need it, nor did he want to look at it.
> 
> ...


Everything you say, reflects my own issues. Except my husband still wants sex. He just want it when he wants it (weekends). He wants to be satisfied fully but he also wants his porn. He disregards my feelings towards his porn habit and that it has killed my libido and any affection i have for him. He doesn't care as long as he still gets puss when he wants and needs it. And i am expected to enjoy it even if i have to fake it.

Anyway, i replied to your PM, i hope you got it


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Obsessive porn as a symptom or a cause of troubles in the marriage? Some say a cause, and others have said a symptom of other issues. Either way it seems that for the most part, this is a very negative topic for many of us.

I'm on the fence right now. 4-6 weeks ago, I was as anti porn as they come, but I hadn't always been that way. Right now, I'm working with my husband toward a balance that suits both of us, but we're still not there.

Soon I hope!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Hope1964 said:


> I can answer as an 'older' woman (of 47  ) The older I get the more laid back I get about sex, the more I enjoy it, and the less inhibited I am. I was far more uptight about porn 15 years ago than I am today.


:iagree: Except the part about 47 .... I am your elder at 48!

So while the idea of my husband looking at porn doesn't bother me, I would be upset if it either got out of control (as in progressed to other things such as dating sites, webcams, etc.) or if it took away from our own sex life.

In the grand scheme of things, my husband would willingly stop looking at porn if he knew it was important to me, so it does feel good to know where I 'rank'! Although I have to admit, porn really has never done anything for me....watching other people going at it when it seems totally geared toward the men (and I have not found the men in these things attractive....none have even come close to my husband)


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

CandieGirl said:


> Obsessive porn as a symptom or a cause of troubles in the marriage? Some say a cause, and others have said a symptom of other issues. Either way it seems that for the most part, this is a very negative topic for many of us.
> 
> I'm on the fence right now. 4-6 weeks ago, I was as anti porn as they come, but I hadn't always been that way. Right now, I'm working with my husband toward a balance that suits both of us, but we're still not there.
> 
> Soon I hope!


I'm glad to hear that, CandieGirl. From that thread a few years ago, it definitely seemed like the issue was more about your H prioritizing the porn over you, rather than the porn itself. I'm glad you guys are working constructively on the issue. Hope you guys reach that balance soon, and that it works for both of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Issues or not he doesn't want to work them out. He would rather sweep everything under the rug... If it is not brought up it does not exist his eyes. I am done expressing my feeling about everything for them just to go ignored. Why waste my breath any longer. I have tried to work on my marriage, but it doesn't matter if he doesn't help.

All i can do at this point is work on myself and that is what i am doing... I no longer care what he does.. It is his problem, not mine any longer. He will get hit with reality soon enough and by then it will be far to late for him to do anything about it or try to fix it.

I have talked and talked until i am blue in the face, it does not matter. I am just done... He is going to know what rejection feels like, because i am no longer in the mood. He can use his hand and have all the porn he wants.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

aznmommy3 said:


> Everything you say, reflects my own issues. Except my husband still wants sex. He just want it when he wants it (weekends). He wants to be satisfied fully but he also wants his porn. He disregards my feelings towards his porn habit and that it has killed my libido and any affection i have for him. He doesn't care as long as he still gets puss when he wants and needs it. And i am expected to enjoy it even if i have to fake it.
> 
> Anyway, i replied to your PM, i hope you got it


I am no longer going to have sex with my H. 

I got your PM i sent one back..:smthumbup:


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

AgentD said:


> Oh I know thats right! My husband best not say a word to me because I enjoy reading a book. And its not even romance novels or trashy books either. He best not say one word with my choice of entertainment. If he is getting sex and its not interferring in our marriage, then shut ya pie hole.


:lol: :smthumbup:


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

swedish said:


> In the grand scheme of things, my husband would willingly stop looking at porn if he knew it was important to me, so it does feel good to know where I 'rank'!


I thought the same until something about him watching porn changed and with it so did my rank.


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## mr.rightaway (Apr 27, 2010)

AgentD said:


> Oh I know thats right! My husband best not say a word to me because I enjoy reading a book. And its not even romance novels or trashy books either. He best not say one word with my choice of entertainment. If he is getting sex and its not interferring in our marriage, then shut ya pie hole.


Fabio on the cover does help sell books.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

mr.rightaway said:


> Fabio on the cover does help sell books.


Ewwww, he is not even good looking!


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I don't read romance novels, because I have all the passion I need in my marriage.

Porn has never been an issue with us. Then again, I don't hide the fact that I watch it. My husband would much rather make love to his wife, than jerk off to silicone.

Most wives are threatened by porn and they rightfully express their discomfort. However, husbands often feel afraid to share their love of porn because of their wive's discomfort. The dishonesty comes from fear.

Of course, I would never advocate lying in a marriage. I would, however, encourage spouses to make their marriages safe places to speak the truth.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

mr.rightaway said:


> Fabio on the cover does help sell books.


ewwww, *YUCK*


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

I have a very high sex drive for a woman. I could probably have sex 3+ times per day. I am constantly fighting to seduce my husband, but lately I have grown tired of it. The longer I go without sex, the less I want it.

That being said, I have walked into the bedroom (a half hour after *****ing about not having sex) after a shower and caught my husband in the act of masturbating to porn. I have woken up, after sleeping alone for half the night to find him passed out on the couch with a roll of TP and a wad of his stuff in a tissue, while I went to bed lonely and wanting some love. 

We have a daughter who is very young and active, and we do not get a whole lot of opportunity to be intimate. We currently have sex 1-2 x a week because in between my daughter and my husband's lower drive (which is even lower after he watches porn), there isn't much more opportunity. I am left feeling lonely and unsatisfied sexually.

My husband knows how I feel, and I despise porn. If I see it, I get very angry. I have deleted it out of our computers, and I do get pissed off when I find evidence that my husband has been using it. No, I don't threaten to leave him but it just all the more sinks in. And really gets me ANGRY when I am begging for more sexual attention and then catch him sneaking off somewhere to watch other women.

Even if my husband satisfied me 100% of the time, I would still be hurt by porn. I would have a problem with my husband giving something the sexual attention that I feel only belongs between a husband and a wife. I feel all of my husband's sexual attention should be towards me, and should never go beyond our marriage, or be put towards any other woman/even if she is on the TV.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Ahh the old weekly porn thread. Why don't we just sticky this one?


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Lydia said:


> I have a very high sex drive for a woman. I could probably have sex 3+ times per day. I am constantly fighting to seduce my husband, but lately I have grown tired of it. The longer I go without sex, the less I want it.
> 
> That being said, I have walked into the bedroom (a half hour after *****ing about not having sex) after a shower and caught my husband in the act of masturbating to porn. I have woken up, after sleeping alone for half the night to find him passed out on the couch with a roll of TP and a wad of his stuff in a tissue, while I went to bed lonely and wanting some love.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

I have never actually caught my husband in the act. God knows what would happen if i ever did... I do know that i would more then likely smash his computer.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I tend to look up porn when my wife is in silent treatment mode and when I'm horny. It annoys her to no end as her little "punishments" ain't working as I'm happily batting away choking my chicken in my man-cave heh



> I could probably have sex 3+ times per day


Just like my wife, except the difference was -> she never let me say no. Once those legs got wrapped around me there's only 2 ways out; her way, or hurting her physically. The latter I just can't do. Thankfully those times are past.



> I have never actually caught my husband in the act. God knows what would happen if i ever did... I do know that i would more then likely smash his computer.


Heh the missus caught me watching porn during one of our big fights, I left the door open. She just saw me, walked past, so I kept going heh... until she came back for a full assault.



> Even if my husband satisfied me 100% of the time, I would still be hurt by porn. I would have a problem with my husband giving something the sexual attention that I feel only belongs between a husband and a wife. I feel all of my husband's sexual attention should be towards me, and should never go beyond our marriage, or be put towards any other woman/even if she is on the TV.


=/


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

> Originally Posted by mr.rightaway
> Actually, it would be interesting to find out how the younger generation of women view porn versus women who are older, due to the fact that up-and-coming women have grown up with the availability of porn, for both their man and themselves, their whole lives. Porn has been around for some time but nowhere close to what it is available today. The "instantaneousness" of porn is something older women never had to deal with in such force and, as has been stated in other threads, porn distorts the female's power-balance in the sexual arena, which I suspect that is the main sticking point.


I watched a documentary on teen sexuality a little while ago - I was happy to see that in general the younger folk of today seemed to be better informed about sex and their sexuality than teens from my era.

I was horrified however when the subject of porn came up - it was a huge eye-opener. Having had a teen daughter of my own I was already aware of some of the less than positive effects porn has had on her and her friends.

The interviewer showed photos of breasts to both groups of teens separately (males/females) and asked them to pick out the ones they thought were the nicest.....some were natural breasts, others were implanted. Both groups picked the the bigger enhanced breasts as being the nicest. Both groups said they didn't like the natural breasts as much because they were a little droopy (harldy!) and not so "perfect" looking. The girls added to that by saying they picked the bigger breasts - because they are what boys want.

Then the interviewer showed each group photos of vulvas - some shaved, some trimmed and some natural. One of the boys was almost physically sick at the sight of the natural vulva - he couldn't look at it. It was "un-natural" and dirty looking with all that hair there....he had seen many vulvas (thank you internet) but never seen a natural one before.

All the boys didn't like the "bits" that were sticking out....it looks dirty - they all prefered to look at fully shaven "clean" looking ones....like in the magazines, where there are no flaps/lips showing and the skin was an even tone.

None of the girls liked any of the photos....the girls that had actually looked at their own vulvas at some point said they didn't like the look of their own - they lookded dirty and different from the ones in the magazines.

All of the girls said they also preferred the look of the digitally enhanced vulval photos - because it's what boys like and what they are used to looking at. None of the girls wanted to look different to what was popular.

I think all but one girl said they would consider labiaplasty to make themselves look more normal. All of them said they would have breasts implants put in.

The above is not so much a show of what younger women think about porn...but it does show the heightened affect that the wide accessability of porn is having on how they view themselves and how the boys expect them to be.

My daughter is now 22 - she has a healthy self esteem, a high regard of her own body and an open mind toward her own sexuality. She is anti-porn - not because she is insecure about how she looks or who she is, but because she doesn't buy into the socialised insecurity that so many young woman (and men) face.


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## aznmommy3 (Nov 8, 2011)

surfergirl said:


> I watched a documentary on teen sexuality a little while ago - I was happy to see that in general the younger folk of today seemed to be better informed about sex and their sexuality than teens from my era.
> 
> I was horrified however when the subject of porn came up - it was a huge eye-opener. Having had a teen daughter of my own I was already aware of some of the less than positive effects porn has had on her and her friends.
> 
> ...


It is sad that those teens hate their own bodies because it can't compare to those they see on TV and they feel that that is what all the boys like.

I have a daughter and i am afraid of her growing up in a world where they feel they have to have huge big boobs to attract men because that is what they think men likes due to porn and such. Ofcorse i am also worried about my 2 boys growing up feeling that their package can't compare to those you see in porn as well.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

aznmommy3 said:


> I have a daughter and i am afraid of her growing up in a world where they feel they have to have huge big boobs to attract men because that is what they think men likes due to porn and such. Ofcorse i am also worried about my 2 boys growing up feeling that their package can't compare to those you see in porn as well.


I find it totally silly to compare any of those things, just keep the pounds off, dress nicely, braces are a plus (wish I got them when I was younger- I am dishing out the $$ for my own children!) but all this "sexual" cosmetic BS, I have NEVER been influenced by the media /Hollywood /Porn /anything to dress/ alter my body like any of those women. Nor will my daughter, Natural is best, it is infact the most beautiful -to those who care about the REAL you. Put on a little make up, nothing else is even necessary, unless you WANT to attract the "users" who look only to the outside appearance. 

I just got done reading a book about *Insecurities*- it was a Christian book that someone recommended and I was just curious. I think we ALL have them in some form or another, but the parts on "looks" attraction ... bingo, anyone who feels they have to IMPRESS and BE a certain something -have a certain Breast size, dress a certain way for someone else is ....this is fueled by Insecurity, it is sure fire sign. Don't allow our children to EVER think like that. That will be stomped at my house I can tell you . We need to be happy with what we are, what God bestowed upon us at birth, being the Best we can be, so we can look ourselves in the mirror every day and attract the "good" men & women to us. http://www.amazon.com/So-Long-Insecurity-Youve-Friend/dp/1414334729

Nothing else is ever required, if some man is not happy with that, hell -he is no da** good anyway. I would not want to marry some man who desired my breast size be a Cup D , those jugs would really get in the way of my life & getting things done! They look so unnatural also. Many good men do not even like fake boobs, my husband is one of them, finds them a real turn off.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I would not want to marry some man who desired my breast size be a Cup D , those jugs would really get in the way of my life & getting things done! .


Yes big boobs do get in the way, all the time... I hate mine to be honest. They cause back problem for me... damn things... i want to get them reduced...


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Grayson said:


> I'm glad to hear that, CandieGirl. From that thread a few years ago, it definitely seemed like the issue was more about your H prioritizing the porn over you, rather than the porn itself. I'm glad you guys are working constructively on the issue. Hope you guys reach that balance soon, and that it works for both of you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm not sure we ever will! He insists on a password protected computer (he doesn't know the code) and I feel like a babysitter. I suggested ejoying together, he got all weird. The development for us was his telling me about being caught by his mother decades ago...I don't know, it's all so ridiculous at times, especially our situation.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> I'm not sure we ever will! He insists on a password protected computer (he doesn't know the code) and I feel like a babysitter. I suggested ejoying together, he got all weird. The development for us was his telling me about being caught by his mother decades ago...I don't know, it's all so ridiculous at times, especially our situation.


The above being said...he was the one who claimed a porn 'addiction' and he was the one who 'had to stop'. Hence the PW. Sigh.


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## bubbly girl (Oct 11, 2011)

My husband choosing porn over me is what brought me to TAM.  My husband and I were having problems that we're both to blame for, but one problem that wouldn't go away was him replacing me with porn.

I wanted sex a lot and my once high drive husband, rarely wanted sex with me. When I initiated I got turned down. I knew something was up so I checked his computer and, sure enough, as soon as I'd leave the house he jumped on porn. The 4 nights a week when he was home and I was working, he was always on porn. On my nights off he was always "too tired". Sex was reduced to him waking me up Saturday morning by pulling my underwear down and sticking it in me. No kisses, caressing or foreplay of any type. He'd be done before I knew it and I'd be left frustrated again.

I wasn't anti-porn, I had a problem with being replaced with fantasies on a computer screen. I couldn't figure out why he didn't want me and wasn't sure if this was normal. TAM showed me that even men believe porn is a problem when the wife is neglected. Great, I wasn't being unreasonable!

Finally I told him that I was doing a lot to change my bad behavior that hurt our relationship, he needed to do the same. I let him know that I didn't have a problem with him viewing porn, I didn't care about the women he was looking at, and it had nothing to do with insecurity about my body. As a matter of fact it had to do with my self confidence and knowing that I deserved better than playing second fiddle to a box of fantasies. 

Thankfully I got through to him. He let me know he wasn't going to never look at porn again. If I expected that, he would just go behind my back and do it. I told him I didn't expect him to totally give up porn, just do it in moderation. I'm happy to say that he is now satisfying me again. He is enthusiastic again about having sex with me and is back to being the great, considerate lover he used to be. :smthumbup:

I know he still goes on porn once in a while, but I don't feel a need to check anymore because it no longer interferes with our marriage.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

You're both willing to work together on it, though, and that's a big step in the right direction. I know that feeling like a babysitter isn't ideal, but, to help cut the length of time you spend policing his computer use (at his request), have you considered a form of parental control software instead of a password? Some can be programmed to block certain sites, only allow certain sites, close internet access after certain time intervals, etc. I believe that some may already even be programmed with a list of known porn sites to block access with a minimum of fuss.

And, reading your quote of my post, I noticed I wrote "...a few *years* ago" instead of weeks. Wow...major time difference there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Grayson said:


> You're both willing to work together on it, though, and that's a big step in the right direction. I know that feeling like a babysitter isn't ideal, but, to help cut the length of time you spend policing his computer use (at his request), have you considered a form of parental control software instead of a password? Some can be programmed to block certain sites, only allow certain sites, close internet access after certain time intervals, etc. I believe that some may already even be programmed with a list of known porn sites to block access with a minimum of fuss.
> 
> And, reading your quote of my post, I noticed I wrote "...a few *years* ago" instead of weeks. Wow...major time difference there.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I figured you meant weeks...we had a breakthrough just after the last porn thread I participated in...turns out he is extremely ashamed of it (and pretty much all things sexual, I've learned).

I could do that I suppose (parental controls), I've seen them on my laptop...our sex life is still almost non-existent, certainly not normal, but I can't blame porn this time. Now it's his work! I swear, anything to avoid doing it with me! Hhhhhh!!!


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

CandieGirl said:


> I figured you meant weeks...we had a breakthrough just after the last porn thread I participated in...turns out he is extremely ashamed of it (and pretty much all things sexual, I've learned).


That was the impression I got in that other thread. I imagine it created a sort of self-perpetuating cycle, as well. To put it the way i read the issue, he enjoyed it, but not being a very sexual person, didn't like that he enjoyed it. So, he hid it, helping widen the rift that was forming. Lather, rinse, repeat. Not a good situation, to be sure.



> I could do that I suppose (parental controls), I've seen them on my laptop...our sex life is still almost non-existent, certainly not normal, but I can't blame porn this time. Now it's his work! I swear, anything to avoid doing it with me! Hhhhhh!!!


Yikes. I just can't fathom being that repressed (for want of a better term). Do either of you have any idea where his views of sexuality come from?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Grayson said:


> That was the impression I got in that other thread. I imagine it created a sort of self-perpetuating cycle, as well. To put it the way i read the issue, he enjoyed it, but not being a very sexual person, didn't like that he enjoyed it. So, he hid it, helping widen the rift that was forming. Lather, rinse, repeat. Not a good situation, to be sure.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I never thought I'd be dealing with anything like this either...

We started off as most couples do - pretty frequent! But as time went on, it became apparent early on that I was the one with the higher drive, and for me, once I get going I can't seem to stop, as in it'll be all I want and he'd have to be fighting me off. I've always been like that.

He doesn't like to discuss his past experiences in detail, so the only info I have is that he was a late bloomer (in his opinion). I don't know who his 'first' was, but wouldn't be surprised if it was his 1st wife. I know he was 23 or 24, so this would fit in with the timeline. After his divorce, there were a handful of others (my guesstimate) then me. So not a lot of experience, and seeing as he seemed to gravitate toward bookish prudes, quite a tame bedroom life...Then he goes and tells me a few weeks back about his Mom finding his porn mags when he was a teenager and lecturing him on the differences between love and sex...also I have a lot more experience than he does, and I have a feeling that he doesn't really like this - not as in jealousy, more as in 'women shouldn't behave this way'...

To be honest, this is blindsiding me and I don't know what to do anymore. I've tried everything!


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## annagarret (Jun 12, 2011)

Couples should read Every Mans Battle, it may disgust some wives but we need to see it from their point of view. My husband definately struggles with it. But I struggle with, I say, live porn. Real men in my life that I can get emotionally close too. Men can put their wives in one box and their porn life in another. The real downfall in marriages is when they collide and the man is mentally having sex with these women and therefore cheating on his wife, society says no, but porn and emotional intimacy with men for women are both marriage killers. Always keep your guard up. I am struggling myself a lot lately


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## mr.rightaway (Apr 27, 2010)

annagarret said:


> Couples should read Every Mans Battle, it may disgust some wives but we need to see it from their point of view. My husband definately struggles with it. But I struggle with, I say, live porn. Real men in my life that I can get emotionally close too. Men can put their wives in one box and their porn life in another. The real downfall in marriages is when they collide and the man is mentally having sex with these women and therefore cheating on his wife, society says no, but porn and emotional intimacy with men for women are both marriage killers. Always keep your guard up. I am struggling myself a lot lately


Someone said earlier in the thread that they weren't bothered by print material, but the streaming video. Can some of the women discuss the distinction?


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