# Conforming with cheating



## BrookinBear (Jun 9, 2013)

Hi I'm new to the forum, but hoping to get some guidance from the more experienced.

I have been married for 3 years, and in my second year, while being in another country to look for a job, I had a short summer fling with a OM. It's more like a 3 NS than a ONS but afterwards, I just had no more feelings towards that OM but of course felt the guilt creeping about my H. 

I have many thoughts about why I did it, and several came in mind:

1. I am still young and unsure of settling (no kids, <30)
2. I was married in a rush for visa, and it did bother me a little to make that decision when all my life I've been independent..
3. I had a long term ex-bf who cheated on me for 6 years... that was difficult to break and I did so by flying off to another country
4. My father was and still is a cheater. My family has been dysfunctional since I was 3.
5. Frustrations of my H career and mine, and how we could live pursuing them... My H has a freelance career that takes a lot of effort to become successful (think entertainment) and also easy to fall into the pits. I do worry the life I could have with him if he has to pursue it and end up 6 months away from home...
6. Talking about separations, he already left me in a foreign country by myself for 5 months. I was very bitter about it, since I got robbed and mugged outside my home while I was there, and there was nothing he could do about it except finish his project.

Now my H is a sweet man who loves me with devotion. I felt that it is in his interest, if we are to maintain a relationship, not to know about the affair. That I have clear, because I don't have any heart strings attached to OM, it was really a summer fling and not something I regret. Why I don't regret? If I didn't have that fling, I probably would have left H. I just regret that it has come to this. The funny thing is, in the beginning of our relationship, we talked about these hypothetical situations, and we both agreed that we don't want to know about the other's affairs, we only want to know if the other wants to be with the other.

I love my H to bits, but I cannot imagine myself ever be worthy of someone who is devoted to me, all my life I have met mainly cheaters including my father and I guess out of defense, I became one.

So now I am coping with a situation where my H has met OM before, who's a lovely guy as well, and he often asks me why we don't meet up with him. I felt uncomfortable obviously, and I cover it with an excuse that he's busy, etc. I think H does suspect something, as I have stayed at OM house on my last days of my trip since i ran out of time at our rental room, but he didn't push much. I just told H that OM didn't treat me very well so I wanted to forget about him so hoping that he doesn't press me. It's been almost 1 year later, and watching TV sometimes H would say someone looks like OM...

I really don't think it's a good idea to tell H about the affair, but I do wonder how I can deal with it each time the topic of OM arises. It doesn't happen often, but I wonder since we agreed to to tell the other of infidelity, that how true can you really hold this?

I guess it would be selfish to tell H anyways, if it means to let the guilt off my chest, only to pass the burden to him...

Sorry about the long post and the wishy washy way of posting.. but has anyone been in a similar situation and how did you end up dealing with it?


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Wow ,just wow.

You know what.? 

I'm self editing my post. There is so much wrong here.

You tell your husband. And give him a divorce. And see about some therapy for yourself.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Since he brings up the om's name out of the blue, I think he stronly suspects the affair. Perhaps he discovered it or someone hinted.

My suggestion is this for the next time your H raises the om's name, ask him if he remembers the pact y'all made and ask him if he still wants to abide by those terms. If he says yes - no problem, just assume he's doing stuff too.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The fact the you feel no remorse tells me you are going to cheat again. But that's ok , it's just sex right?


----------



## BrookinBear (Jun 9, 2013)

Thanks. For Shaggy's information, no I'm not in touch with this guy. Thanks for being judgmental. I did't think this forum is meant for those to judge.

For the remorse part, hey, I know someone who cheated on her boyfriend for a year, she ended up marrying the OM, they have a child together and are very happy. I figured that it's life and no one has the right to take their happiness away regardless of the circumstances.

Divorce is the most selfish option when both parties want to stay in the relationship together. It's only when one doesn't, that's when it's not selfish. I haven't cheated since, and I don't intend to, I had a moment of doubt when I thought of leaving H. Yes done therapy, I've already been through a lot.


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Your post seems trollish to me, but I'll bite...

You betrayed your husband without any genuine excuse and have no remorse. 

You want to know if you should tell him about it.

Yes, you should. 

You should tell him everything you told the rest of the world.


----------



## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

I'm Tiger Woods and I approve this message.


----------



## BrookinBear (Jun 9, 2013)

ok thanks. I find it very misleading to have a forum for 'coping with infidelity' and only 'highly principled people' and victims are allowed to post here. There are always two sides of the story.

Divorce is such an easy thing to say isn't it? What is worse? To not cheat, get a divorce which is as hurtful to realize it's a mistake and then go crying back after hurting H with the divorce? Or to cheat, realize it's not the best way but also that you want to stay with someone, and try and work on the relationship. Or get a divorce because of that? It seems that the only solution to life here is just divorce.

I came here for advice on working on the relationship, not to break up from a stupid but human moment of doubt. My doubt is when H brings up wanting to catch up with OM when I prefer to stay away. I told H that he could see him and catch up, but I didn't want to bother OM.

And if I break the pact and tell H about OM, then I have dishonored our 'pact' and again that's not nice. It's been a year, I haven't had any contact with OM nor have I cheated again or ever doubted H again, we're very happy otherwise.


----------



## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

BrookinBear said:


> ok thanks. I find it very misleading to have a forum for 'coping with infidelity' and only 'highly principled people' and victims are allowed to post here. There are always two sides of the story.
> 
> Divorce is such an easy thing to say isn't it? What is worse? To not cheat, get a divorce which is as hurtful to realize it's a mistake and then go crying back after hurting H with the divorce? Or to cheat, realize it's not the best way but also that you want to stay with someone, and try and work on the relationship. Or get a divorce because of that? It seems that the only solution to life here is just divorce.
> 
> ...


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Please let us know what is marriage. Please also let us know what is marital vows.

See if you have withstood the temptations. It is very easy to fall prey to temptations.

I am not being judgemental here. I still think that you take your multiple NSs with OM as your entitlement. At the same time, you feel sorry for your devoted husband. See the conflict?

It is upto you to see. The guilt of "seeing your innocent H" and sleeping with the OM. And I am sure your H is suspecting something.


----------



## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

BB,

If you wanted to come to a forum to hear what you wanted to hear instead of people's honest opinions you came to the wrong place.

Your husband did what to you exactly to deserve to be cheated on?

You talk about being around cheaters... Well you are one! You feel that you don't deserve someone who is devoted to you. I don't think your husband should be blindly devoted to you.

If you love your husband do what is in his best interests and tell him about your brief affair. Let him make his decision and stop living a lie. Let's see if he doesn't calm his devotion a bit.


----------



## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

BrookinBear said:


> ok thanks. I find it very misleading to have a forum for 'coping with infidelity' and only 'highly principled people' and victims are allowed to post here. There are always two sides of the story.


I know it seems that way, but what you are asking is like walking into an AA meeting and asking if anyone knows where you can get a drink.
Don't expect a lot of sympathy. As far as your question goes, most of us are doing everything possible to find out the truth, not help someone hid it.


----------



## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Oh fokit i have to ask..





BrookinBear said:


> ok thanks.* I find it very misleading to have a forum for 'coping with infidelity'*
> :scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead: Unless you are winding us up.
> What exactly are you trying to cope with??
> You end this post with
> ...


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

BrookinBear said:


> ok thanks. I find it very misleading to have a forum for 'coping with infidelity' and only 'highly principled people' and victims are allowed to post here. There are always two sides of the story.
> 
> Divorce is such an easy thing to say isn't it? What is worse? To not cheat, get a divorce which is as hurtful to realize it's a mistake and then go crying back after hurting H with the divorce? Or to cheat, realize it's not the best way but also that you want to stay with someone, and try and work on the relationship. Or get a divorce because of that? It seems that the only solution to life here is just divorce.
> 
> ...


Here is the thing, we are here to help deal with infidelity. Support for former WS and for BS.

The thing is you have to have remorse if your marriage has any hope. Otherwise the next time you find yourself in as you put it a moment of doubt, you'll likely once again betray your marriage.

It's not wrong to point out that you seem to worry more about annoying the OM then you do about betraying your husbands trust.

You seem to be say you are ok to have your husband spend time with the man you cheated with, but you don't want to bother the 
OM! Did it ever occur to you that it might also be just a bit humiliating to your husband?

And again, you are more concerned about breaking the pact of silence than you are about you choosing to cheat.

Perhaps it is the fact your father is a serial cheater that has emptied you of empathy for the extreme betryal you very casually call a fling.

Your marriage as two people loyal and faith*** ended the day you cheated, your husband just does know it yet. He is living under the false pretense that both of you are faithful and committed to the marriage .

Yes tell him, he may not divorce you. He may even decide that he deserves his own summer fling this summer. 

But by choosing not to tell him that he no longer is living in a marriage with includes loyalty and faithfulness, you aren't helping him, you are just letting him live in a lie.

But let's be honest here. You aren't keeping the fling a secret to protect your husband from pain, you are doing it 100% to protect yourself. You want your husband to know the truth of what you chose to do. You don't want to be help accountable for your affair. Instead you want to have your fling and never have your husband know that his marriage vows are now null and void.

Maybe he will meet up with the OM, and the OM will have a few drinks and tell him what a great fling you and he had and that will solve your dilemma.


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

BrookinBear said:


> I came here for advice on working on the relationship, not to break up from a stupid but human moment of doubt.


And that's what you got. To help your relationship we recommended you not lie and deceive your husband for betraying his faith and trust in you and to stop living a lie- but you don't want to hear that. You want us to tell you to continue to live a lie and to betray your husband. Sorry, aren't very many people gonna agree to that.



BrookinBear said:


> And if I break the pact and tell H about OM, then I have dishonored our 'pact' and again that's not nice. It's been a year, I haven't had any contact with OM nor have I cheated again or ever doubted H again, we're very happy otherwise.


So you can only accept happiness on YOUR terms- betraying his trust and faith, lying to him on a daily basis, living a lie, deception, making a pact for betrayal, refusing to let him know you are an admitted unremorseful betrayer... 

And you came here so we would sign off on that.

You don't deserve your husband and the longer you live your lies and deception the worse you get. That is until your next unremorseful betrayal. 

And than what?

And if you will treat him so shamelessly about this, what else? You've shown your true colors, that's for sure.

Now, I'm going to give you something you don't know- a lesson about true love.

Tell him. Be completely honest. You screwed a man behind his back, you loved every second of it, you aren't sorry one bit... and see what he does. Maybe he can take that and forgive you despite yourself. And if he can, your relationship will be more open and honest. And that is a better foundation that lies and deception- don't you think?


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Ok, how do you prefer this advice?

No do not tell him. It would only hurt and confuse him knowing that his wife cheated on him. It would also seriously destroy his trust in you which could lead to all kinds if unpleasant accusations and restrictions and mistrust.

It would also invalidate your pact, which would be breaking his trust, not only that, but if he later has an affair too, he might feel completed to tell you too, which would only hurt you and make you mistrust him.

He might even go after the OM for being a two faced rat for acting like a friend while also having a sexual affair with his wife. So tell him round hurt a great friendship with a good friend.

So of course keep it hidden from him, it's a win for everyone.


----------



## Rollin (May 18, 2013)

lol is it that hard to notice the thread that comes up every few days which is a variation of "I cheated but now I won't ever tell him because blah blah blah blah blah"


----------



## Bugz Bunny (Nov 28, 2011)

BrookinBear said:


> Hi I'm new to the forum, but hoping to get some guidance from the more experienced.
> 
> I have been married for 3 years, and in my second year, while being in another country to look for a job, I had a short summer fling with a OM. It's more like a 3 NS than a ONS but afterwards, I just had no more feelings towards that OM but of course felt the guilt creeping about my H.
> 
> ...


Hi I read the forum but I don't post that much,but here it is:

First you must know that you are your own person and that you and only you are responsible for your action and no one else...no one else can make you do something if you dont wanna do it...so first stop pointing fingers at others and stop blaming others for your mistakes or choices in this situation...

I am sure you want to be a good honorable person with good qualities (everyone in life wants to be that person) and it is never to late for change but every change in life starts by owning your bad choices (mistakes) and when its about a relationship,without honesty,respect and communication with your partner there can never be a succesful relationship...

You witnessed your fathers bad choices in life,you say your familly was/is disfunctional so I suppose you lived your life in a home full of anger,resentment,etc and you still knowing all this and even after experiencing infidelity from your former partner did this to your husband...You need to think about this and find a better WHY and not a bunch of excuses by pointing at your fathers mistakes or anyone else...The change starts when you own your bad choices and only then you can start working on yourself...

After infidelity nothing is the same anymore,if you dont tell your husband you will make the same choices again,your relationship will be based on secrets and disrespect and with time you will completely stop respecting your husband...its the "infidelity circle" were if you dont come clean you will repeat it again and again,maybe not right now but in a couple days,months or years but you will repeat it...

And no you can't tell people on this site that they are judgmental if they are not on your side...yes this is a coping with infidelity forum but you cant come here and say that you cheated on your husband with a person that he knows,and that you dont feel guilty and dont want to come clean to your husband and expect from members of this forum to say great job or well done,or nice words in general...

So start owning your mistakes and bad choices,strat respecting people in your life or at least start respecting your husband who is the person that loves you...This is the first step in becoming a better person and being happy in life...

God gave you a person in this life that loves you for who you are and it is the greatest gift you can get in this life...start respecting that person...

Good luck


----------



## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

I'm going to offer some advise without being judgemental.

You should tell him and consider divorce. Why?

1. It doesn't sound like you got married for the right reasons to begin with. 

2. You are young and I'm assuming he is as well. If this comes out a decade from now and leads to divorce you've wasted a lot of time you both could be happy with someone else.

3. No kids now but there might be when the secret comes out. There is a good chance it will come out. He knows the OM and it sounds like he may already suspect something. You may not believe it will come out but that's what you want to believe and is not rooted in reality. You won't have control of it coming out. My wife hid her secret for 22 years before I found out. Now I know she not only cheated but was able to lie to me for 22 years.

4. The pact is not exactly legitimate. It is easy to offer an opinion about something you have not experienced. The truth is you really don't know what you want until you experience it. Just think of all the time you've changed you mind about something. The present you just can't anticipate the future you very well.

5. It sounds like you are damaged emotionally. Combine this with a lack of regret and past history makes it likely that you may cheat again. You may think you won't but you probably thought you wouldn't cheat in the first place.

Good luck and do the right thing.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> And if I break the pact and tell H about OM, then I have dishonored our 'pact' and again that's not nice. It's been a year, I haven't had any contact with OM nor have I cheated again or ever doubted H again, we're very happy otherwise.


:rofl:

what about the wedding vow?


----------



## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Seems weird there's been a sudden surge in posting by WW, but anyway, have fun.


----------



## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Rollin said:


> lol is it that hard to notice the thread that comes up every few days which is a variation of "I cheated but now I won't ever tell him because blah blah blah blah blah"


Like a moths to a flame, people screaming "YOU HAVE TO TELL YOUR HUSBAND!!" to which OP replies "Nah...you alright, I'm not going to tell him"


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So, OP, when your husband finds out at some point in the future (OM makes a drunken confession, it comes out in an argument, etc) what are you going to do then?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

Divorce isn't the only option.. You could always tell your husband. Hope he'll forgive you, reconcile, and then carry on with your marriage. 

However, you can't truly reconcile because you have no remorse for what you've done! 

I'm just happy there's no kids involved..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

No hope here.
Serial cheater in the making.


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

BobSimmons said:


> Seems weird there's been a sudden surge in posting by WW, but anyway, have fun.


Personally I think it's the same person spamming.

Comes around every week or so, always the same pitch, lets a few posters lambast her, then comes back on and is all injured and how mean we are.... then pretty much disappears.

It's either the most amazing coincidence or the same person having some fun. 

My final thought...

meh.


----------



## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

It did sound trolly... The multiple personalitied troll. What a douche bag receptacle.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## seasalt (Jul 5, 2012)

It might be me but I think there's a major flaw within your pact. Perhaps you should have incorporated it into your wedding vows.

Just sayin',
Seasalt


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

What's the problem, you both agreed to an open marriage? Did you get tested for stds? Tell your husband OM is areal assh0le and likes to put the moves on married women........you heard.


----------

