# Infidelity???



## OnFleek (Jun 3, 2018)

I have been married 14 years. We were both married before. We both have good boundaries regarding opposite sex relationships and social media. He broke our boundaries.
He friended his ex wife. Their children are adults and haven’t been in contact in over 30 years. She lives (he lived) overseas and have two adult daughters. She found him from a town Facebook group. She helped him get in touch with estranged mutual daughter. I asked him out right if he friended her. He said no she contacted him through messenger and now that he and daughter had contact - no need for contact.
He’s been off. Disappearing at odd times and using **** ton of data that he never used before. He’s been picking fights with me constantly.
I snooped and found (had to translate) that on Monday she said she couldn’t see his pictures because they weren’t friends.
Then Wednesday when our kids and I were sitting with him he was messaging her good morning. Emoji heart eyes and she sent back kissy lips.
He doesn’t know how I got info (I logged in laptop) and I have copies. 
He’s in lie mode. He never said they weren’t friends (********) and he said he asked her about their kids because he hadn’t heardfrom them.
********. I had to translate their messages but there is no names mentioned and I figured out the message.
He says he’ll delete her and it means nothing as she is 10,000km away.
I feel betrayed. Our Facebook rules are no friends with people we have had a relationship with. Mutually agreed.
I get accused of cheating if I am an hour late tattooing someone -
Can I get thoughts? I feel so betrayed.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

My thought is that he broke your mutually agreed upon boundary. What mutually agreed upon consequences are there to violating said boundary?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

OnFleek said:


> Can I get thoughts? I feel so betrayed.


My thought is that you "feel betrayed" because you are betrayed. Let the consequences fall.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

OnFleek said:


> He says he’ll delete her and it means nothing as she is 10,000km away.
> I feel betrayed. Our Facebook rules are no friends with people we have had a relationship with. Mutually agreed.
> I get accused of cheating if I am an hour late tattooing someone -
> Can I get thoughts?


Of course you feel betrayed. He betrayed you and continues to betray you.

He _says_ he will delete her but why hasn't he already done it? Because he doesn't want to.

It means nothing because she's across the world? No, that's not how it works. Emotional affairs don't care if the person is next door or in Antarctica. He's trying to downplay it, don't let him.

Do you know why he accuses you of cheating? Probably because HE feels guilty about it. How long has he been accusing you of cheating? If it's recent, that's probably when his emotional affair started.

He broke your boundary and trust, now what are you going to do about it? Let him get away with it or show him that there are consequences?


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## OnFleek (Jun 3, 2018)

We had a talk this morning. He doesn’t totally know how I found out but when he tried to downplay it or play dumb I provided the screen shots of the conversation. He apparently deleted her this morning but deleted the messenger not her Facebook contact.
Playing dumb that he misunderstood. Said he though he was talking to his daughters.
Then said I’m cold and detached. He started down that path and I shut him down.
Said if that’s the case you fix it or you leave.
I am not totally showing how I found out and will keep an eye out. I haven’t made any decisions but when dealing with him the tips from here keep me focused on the issue at hand and not the excuses and distractions.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

OnFleek said:


> Said he though he was talking to his daughters.


Ha! Good one. 

Don't fall for his crap. He is going to continue on with this emotional affair. He thinks you're dumb enough to let him, don't be.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

You showed him screenshots, he knows how you found out. He may act stupid but it's all an act. Now he's going to take it further underground and you will have a harder time catching him. You are letting him get away with it, why would he stop?

He didn't delete her off social media, he deleted the _evidence_.


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## OnFleek (Jun 3, 2018)

He thinks I snuck on his phone but I went through his laptop. 
I don’t blindly think he’s seen the light. I have told him he has to send one last message stating that he made a mistake. Their daughters are adults and they don’t need to communicate about them. He realized he was being disrespectful to me and our marriage and he will not be communicating further.
I swear I never thought I would see this from him. He has strong opinions on such matters. When they first spoke about their daughter and she helped them get together he was up front about it.
That’s when I laid my boundaries, you have connected with your daughter, no need to continue the conversations. I also said as per our social media agreement I would expect you don’t friend her.
I could see the chain in conversation where they spoke about the daughter in November and the next contact was Monday and then Wednesday. 
I will have to check his what’s app and Skype next time.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

OnFleek said:


> He thinks I snuck on his phone but I went through his laptop.
> I don’t blindly think he’s seen the light. I have told him he has to send one last message stating that he made a mistake. Their daughters are adults and they don’t need to communicate about them. He realized he was being disrespectful to me and our marriage and he will not be communicating further.
> I swear I never thought I would see this from him. He has strong opinions on such matters. When they first spoke about their daughter and she helped them get together he was up front about it.
> That’s when I laid my boundaries, you have connected with your daughter, no need to continue the conversations. I also said as per our social media agreement I would expect you don’t friend her.
> ...


Is he sticking to his "I thought I was talking to my daughter" story? 

Be aware that now he knows your watching him. He may be more careful with Facebook, WhatsApp, Skype, etc.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

My suggestion is this:

Assume a mental and emotional posture titled "HE'S CHEATING"......

Without any further waste of your time investigating, snooping, etc.....ask yourself "what am I going to do?"

Now, without hesitation, DO IT.

If he wants to save his marriage, let him carry the burden and the consequences. Let him crawl on his knees across broken glass in order to prove that he wants his marriage.

If, by the very remote, 0.01% chance, that he's "not cheating"..... let him prove that to a moral certainty NOW.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I can understand him wanting to resume contact with his children after all this time and maybe she was the one person he knew who would know their contact details, but after that the contact with her should have stopped. You say that since they had contact about the children there have been only 2 occasions when there was contact both this last week, so hopefully this can be nipped in the bud.
The thing is that its not up to you to set his boundaries, thats up to him.


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## OnFleek (Jun 3, 2018)

Yes - obviously I know at this time no physical cheating due to covid and distance but doesn’t make it less of a betrayal. He has no good answers to his actions. Tried to not admit more than I knew. I know he outright lied. I have more than he saw.
I just blew my temper when he was trying to gaslight me and thought ‘here you go’. To see him back peddle was in a sick way satisfying.
I don’t want to be here. He wasn’t a wonderful spouse in many regards and I held on to the fact I knew I could trust him.
He tried to make a comment about me snooping and sorry buddy don’t turn it on me.
I said if I’m such a terrible spouse then work on it with me or leave. Their is no honour in doing it this way.
He claimed he has no intention of going to Germany so no chance anything could happen. Doesn’t understand how this betrayal is worse.
So isolated with this pandemic. I am thinking of online counselling to help me through this.


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## OnFleek (Jun 3, 2018)

I mean courage to move on. I don’t see the truth even close here and I can’t live that way.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

OnFleek said:


> I mean courage to move on. I don’t see the truth even close here and I can’t live that way.


I would be more concerned about WHY he was doing this in the first place. I don’t think it’s some magical lost bond with the ex... I think he is searching for a dangerous ego boost.


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## OnFleek (Jun 3, 2018)

That is his personality. The pot is never quite full enough. If he lost weight and I don’t mention it often - I never compliment him. My kids from first marriage routinely praise him publicly on Facebook, but they never appreciate him. He is a bottomless pit. I don’t need public validation as much as he does so I don’t get it.
I always said I’d be such a hard nose in this situation and I’m struggling. I guess still in shock. 
planning finances helps me feel like in some control even if I don’t have to use it.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

OnFleek said:


> That is his personality. The pot is never quite full enough. If he lost weight and I don’t mention it often - I never compliment him. My kids from first marriage routinely praise him publicly on Facebook, but they never appreciate him. He is a bottomless pit. I don’t need public validation as much as he does so I don’t get it.
> I always said I’d be such a hard nose in this situation and I’m struggling. I guess still in shock.
> planning finances helps me feel like in some control even if I don’t have to use it.


I think you hit on an interesting desire that affects many... the influenced need for the craving of approval.

It's a trait that we are born into... from parents to friends to teachers to jobs. When we begin to lose sense of a healthy self and insecurities develop, validation becomes a needed supplement. This insecurity has become a serious obstacle because now being untruthful of the fear of consequences from the insecurity has now taken hold.

The balance that will rise to the surface will show if his pride is greater than the fear of losing you.

Do not expect him to be able to resolve this himself, if this is as invasive in his life as it you speak then he will need some help to guide him out of it and some counseling for him first, and then together may help.

You don't have to "get it", but compassion with boundaries will be needed where he struggles.

Let him know you are there for him if he puts forth the right effort, but also let him know without his effort to get the help he needs there is a limit to how far you will support the unmindful lying and mistrust that is happening and the worst will be a life without you.

Then hope for the best and begin to think about how the changes will impact you if he chooses poorly.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

OnFleek said:


> I always said I’d be such a hard nose in this situation and I’m struggling. I guess still in shock.
> planning finances helps me feel like in some control even if I don’t have to use it.


Oh, and don't be too hard on yourself... struggling is ok because you value your relationship and honestly, life changes under our feet when we love.

Hold your values and boundaries kindly... you don't have to be a "hard nose" to say this isn't ok. Think of it more as "I love myself more than to be lied to, in love and kindness I will respond with love and kindness... but firmly" knowing that firmly means that you do not need to live in the suffering you have found yourself in. 

We make changes with grace all the time, spouses exchange guiding marital leadership all the time... today is your turn.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

OnFleek said:


> That is his personality. The pot is never quite full enough. If he lost weight and I don’t mention it often - I never compliment him. My kids from first marriage routinely praise him publicly on Facebook, but they never appreciate him. He is a bottomless pit. I don’t need public validation as much as he does so I don’t get it.
> I always said I’d be such a hard nose in this situation and I’m struggling. I guess still in shock.
> planning finances helps me feel like in some control even if I don’t have to use it.


Everyone is 100% certain they’d never try to work it out with a cheater until it happens. It’s normal to feel this way. It’s a lot harder to walk away from the life you know and built than you would ever have known. The fear and sadness are incapacitating. 

I wonder if that’s a common trait with cheaters, because my WH has always needed more and more and more. More compliments, more appreciation, more sex, more “feeling wanted”, more attention... and when I’d focus on giving him more, the target moved to another thing. I thought it was a male thing, they just need constant adoration and compliments and sex. Now I’m thinking it’s a cheater thing. Well... it’ll forever be a red flag now in my book. Anyone who needs a constant external ego boost from me is not someone I want, and a lot of the men that give me advice here aren’t like that so I have hope.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

OnFleek said:


> That is his personality. The pot is never quite full enough. If he lost weight and I don’t mention it often - I never compliment him. My kids from first marriage routinely praise him publicly on Facebook, but they never appreciate him. He is a bottomless pit. I don’t need public validation as much as he does so I don’t get it.
> I always said I’d be such a hard nose in this situation and I’m struggling. I guess still in shock.
> planning finances helps me feel like in some control even if I don’t have to use it.


but why hold on at all - when he broke your trust and certainly isn’t doing everything possible to earn it back?

he ruined trust.Time to take action knowing he doesn’t have YOUR best interest in mind.

heck, he tried turning the blame onto you! Set him free! He can do those awful things to someone else, not you!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

QuietRiot said:


> Everyone is 100% certain they’d never try to work it out with a cheater until it happens. It’s normal to feel this way. It’s a lot harder to walk away from the life you know and built than you would ever have known. The fear and sadness are incapacitating.
> 
> I wonder if that’s a common trait with cheaters, because my WH has always needed more and more and more. More compliments, more appreciation, more sex, more “feeling wanted”, more attention... and when I’d focus on giving him more, the target moved to another thing. I thought it was a male thing, they just need constant adoration and compliments and sex. Now I’m thinking it’s a cheater thing. Well... it’ll forever be a red flag now in my book. Anyone who needs a constant external ego boost from me is not someone I want, and a lot of the men that give me advice here aren’t like that so I have hope.


My ex-H absolutely was that way. No amount of anything was enough for him.

I walked away from a second, serious, relationship because it was a very similar situation.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Openminded said:


> My ex-H absolutely was that way. No amount of anything was enough for him.
> 
> I walked away from a second, serious, relationship because it was a very similar situation.


It must be exhausting to be that needy. No wonder they can sleep so well at night after destroying lives.


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## OnFleek (Jun 3, 2018)

You guys are so helpful and I appreciate you more than you know. I tried to talk to him about it and I might as well talk to the wall:
‘I didn’t know what I was doing’
‘The grandkids go to their grandmothers Tuesdays and Wednesdays. I hadn’t heard from my daughter and thought she forgot about me so I just wanted to say hello I’m still here’ oh how about text your daughter?
‘I don’t care about him’
‘He hates it here where we live but I won’t move’
‘Remember that time I bought a golf cart 6 years ago and lied about it?’
Ya he dares come with this ****.
Oh but he said he was sorry and hugged me.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

OnFleek said:


> ‘I didn’t know what I was doing’


I bet. Just like all the physical affair cheaters who have a bad case of pants-falling-off-itis and clumsiness that makes them fall on a naked and erect ****.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

His responses should invoke a response from you (action) - that shows him you deserve to be treated better than what he’s giving.

he has betrayed you!!! When you have called him out - he STILL betrays you with excuses and MORE lies!

when is the betrayal more than enough to divorce him? It should have been when he showed NO remorse the first time!

most show that they are sorry when they get caught - even if they aren’t sorry they did it.

he isn’t even sorry he got caught! You should be flaming mad!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The fact that he became distant and started attacking you, acting angry all the time, clearly not content—
You are dead on accurate in the fact that he has cheated, gaslit your when you confronted, etc. you seem more prepared than most to handle this.

what he’s telling you is all a lie, especially about stopping the communication.
He is waaaaay addicted to talking to her and thinking about her constantly.
You are old hat. He wants those butterflies he gets when he talks to her.

what I would go is plainly ask him to leave, or leave yourself. Present him with papers and blow the hell out of his little fantasy relationship and give him ONE chance to make things right with you and start showing you the same excitement in communicating and being with you the way he did with her. If you aren’t convinced, send him packing for good.

He has greatly injured his feelings for you by his own selfish actions.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@OnFleek I am going to suggest counselling as individuals and as a couple.

See what comes of that. Then plan your next moves.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Couples counseling is of NO value when one spouse is entrenched in the affair and isn’t sorry they’ve been harming their spouse. It would be a waste of money.

individual therapy may help - help you get strong enough to kick him to the curb.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

1) Your H is a bottomless pit of needing validation, attention and praise
2) He once had, many years ago, a full on marriage with someone, who clearly also didn't give him enough to fill the pit
3) Now, a reconnection initiates a dopamine source for him. 
4) Dopamine is a drug, he is addicted, and as long as he gets a fix here and there from a woman who likely didn't give him enough before, he's going to keep wanting it.
5) The addiction is powerful, and the only cure is to cut off the source completely. You have to treat him like an addict.
6) If your marriage can survive these steps, then he will need major therapy to try to fix his bottomless pit problem.
7) which might not be fixable.


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## OnFleek (Jun 3, 2018)

I have free counselling through work. I’m using it for myself. I am making plans so finances doesn’t affect my decision. Money is just money but I have boys to raise and making arrangements so I have options and then figuring out the rest - depending on his actions. But not looking good in his part.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Welcome to the wonderful world of playing investigator for the next *_* years (you fill in the blank). It sucks, it’s hell on earth and you will probably never trust him again. I’m sorry this happened. People suck. Prepare your exit plan. Second marriages fail at an alarming rate. Ask me how I know, lol.


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## OnFleek (Jun 3, 2018)

Thank you. And as much as I have what I need and don’t want to live the life of an investigator, I am. I am pretty sure he moved to other methods of contact. He saw me as telling him he can’t talk to her and have me as controlling. She’s perfect - I’m crap. Nothing I ca do will be right. I’m getting my ducks in a row. I’m taking care of me. As much as I want to get hammered and go to bed I’m being an attentive mom to our kids and eating well when I can eat and working out but not obsessively. I’m keeping notes on what’s been said.
I’ve confided in my siblings. It’s isolating with covid so I trust them. Some have been through it. They are smart level headed people.
I can’t force him to choose me and if communicating and flirting with his ex that cheated on him is worth giving up his live family here when she’s thousands or miles away, I can’t stop him. I won’t beg. If he figures it out - it might be too late for me. I don’t know if I can trust him again. I’m not second choice.
I can just make sure I’m physically, mentally and financially ready to be the best mom to my boys and best person for myself.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

review the 180 rules and see which are applicable to you in this situation....your marriage is definitely crowded. I am glad that you are getting your ducks in a row. i believe in Canada you have to wait one year to divorce so keep that in mind as well.


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## OnFleek (Jun 3, 2018)

So plot twist. Apparently he went for drive to go to walk in clinic. He has a spot on his head that magically appeared and he thinks he has skin cancer (it’s probably eczema but it effective to throw in ‘how can you not forgive me, I probably have cancer!’).
During his quest to find a walk in, he was busy! He spoke with his counselor (through work place injury) and to both of his daughters.
They said his ex fell down the stairs and I injured and in hospital. Apparently he relayed through his daughters that he made a mistake and speaking with her was a mistake. He asked them to relay to her not to contact him anymore as it’s putting our family in jeopardy.
Oh thank God it’s all over now.
I’m just kidding. None of these grand gestures were done in a way that I have any proof. He doesn’t have it in him to stay focused on anyone but himself for long enough to earn my trust and forgiveness back. I don’t see it.
I don’t mean to sound heartless and cavalier, I’m just jaded and bitter right now - in survival mode.
Being a b**** makes me feel better. I handle mad better than sad.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

OnFleek said:


> So plot twist. Apparently he went for drive to go to walk in clinic. He has a spot on his head that magically appeared and he thinks he has skin cancer (it’s probably eczema but it effective to throw in ‘how can you not forgive me, I probably have cancer!’).
> During his quest to find a walk in, he was busy! He spoke with his counselor (through work place injury) and to both of his daughters.
> They said his ex fell down the stairs and I injured and in hospital. Apparently he relayed through his daughters that he made a mistake and speaking with her was a mistake. He asked them to relay to her not to contact him anymore as it’s putting our family in jeopardy.
> Oh thank God it’s all over now.
> ...


You sound like you have your head on straight, and yes anger is so much more effective than sadness, the problem is anger doesn’t last consistently in the long term which is the problem I have now. It’s a constant struggle to protect my heart because I’m still cohabitating due to our housing shortage here. 

So his story is that he tells his grown kids, “Tell your mom I can’t talk to her anymore, the next time you go visit her in the hospital.” Makes perfect sense to break off contact that way. And skin cancer from a spot that appeared today? Ok. I’m sorry, but this is almost comical at this point. Ridiculous. Next he will bump his head and get amnesia from all he did.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

OP, read my story. This is very similar to what I had with my ex. The gist of it is that he kept an ex gf around our entire 13 year relationship....whether it was physical or not I don't know (she doesn't live here but her family does) and at this point I don't care. 

But when confronted i got exactly the same thing....outright lied, then admitted to what he was sure i already knew and even then somehow "couldn't remember" a lot, accused me of wanting to be miserable because I would just "let it go" after a vague admission that it was "possibly inappropriate".

Lied, gaslit, even threatened a divorce to try to bully, then when I told him I agreed he changed his mind and then didn't want it.

Claimed it was "just catching up" but later asked where the FB posts were because he was terrified someone would see their "caching up". I'm pretty sure he just had her call him at work and despite claiming he couldn't even remember the last time they'd spoken before I took him off my cell plan he had double digit messages with her right as our divorce was final.

I too dragged him to counseling where he participated minimally, changed his story again, promised pw's that never materialized, and continued to ******** and play dumb.

Sound familiar?

I left and am much happier. You are not going to trust him again nor should you.

My grandmother used to say that liars need good memories. Once you've been reduced to the marriage policy your marriage is over. I know from experience.

PS, I have 2 boys and they are much happier without him around.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Make him prove it. And if that is satisfactory proof, and you want to let him try to win your trust, make him earn that, big time.


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## OnFleek (Jun 3, 2018)

I have a 9:30 appointment with a work counselor tonight. It’s over the phone. I told him about it and he has a script of his side of the story to present. ‘Tell them I said this. Tell them you did this to me’. Save it for your own time with your counselor.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I don’t think you owe him the courtesy of what you do or don’t have going on right now.
He ruined the marriage. Anyone you talk to is none of his concern at this point.
Stop feeding him your information - on any topic.
Get to an attorney and gather info- consider getting divorce papers filed. Any info you give him at this point = he will use it to your disadvantage.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

OnFleek said:


> I have a 9:30 appointment with a work counselor tonight. It’s over the phone. I told him about it and he has a script of his side of the story to present. ‘Tell them I said this. Tell them you did this to me’. Save it for your own time with your counselor.


WTF??

Honestly, he is showing some pretty dark true colors during this process. Controlling much?

He is trying pathetically to cover his butt. 

I wonder if he really cut things off with the ex. Can you find out from his adult daughter?


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## OnFleek (Jun 3, 2018)

We have the damn language barrier. The texts I found had to be google translated.
I don’t know where her loyalties lies and with the barrier I can idle chit chat her.
He has a very divided life right now - his English family and his overseas family.
Will write more later.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I have no idea what ^^^ means.


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## OnFleek (Jun 3, 2018)

Someone had suggested seeing if I could find out through the daughters if this truly happened with their mom and if they told her to quit contact. The wife and daughters speak a different language. Husband is bilingual. I have to translate everything I find.
I met one daughter twice and she barely speaks English.


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## OnFleek (Jun 3, 2018)

So the route he’s going now is that he thinks he has a brain tumour. Doesn’t know what he’s doing? Forgets to pick up carpool kid. Doesn’t know what to do after kids at school - how to get home. He googled and has 7 out of 8 symptoms of a brain tumour. It was skin cancer on Monday.
I’m waiting on mortgage pre approval, and affordable medical plan. I am
Canadian but need something extra for prescription drugs and dental.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Now you know he's full of ****. He's in maximum damage control mode.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

OnFleek said:


> So the route he’s going now is that he thinks he has a brain tumour. Doesn’t know what he’s doing? Forgets to pick up carpool kid. Doesn’t know what to do after kids at school - how to get home. He googled and has 7 out of 8 symptoms of a brain tumour. It was skin cancer on Monday.
> I’m waiting on mortgage pre approval, and affordable medical plan. I am
> Canadian but need something extra for prescription drugs and dental.


I knew he was going to get “memory loss”. Didn’t see the ol brain tumor excuse coming though. 

You are waiting on pre approval so you can move out on your own?!? Thumbs up!

I hope you are documenting all of this... this is crazy person behavior.


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## OnFleek (Jun 3, 2018)

Yes I am documenting everything. I currently work from home and he tried to bully me into saying I want to work things out. I truly can’t. Maybe with total sheepish honesty right from the get-go but it’s too far gone. 
I didn’t see the brain tumour coming either to be honest. I guessed the skin cancer coming.
I know too much planning can lead someone to stalled behaviour and settling so I have a deadline in mind.
I have support with siblings. I am not broadcasting for the world to know. I don’t need validation as to my feelings from every friend I have.
I have you guys to bounce ideas off and my siblings so I feel pretty good.
I don’t even snoop anymore. Don’t care. I know all I need to know. He is a liar and he wanted someone else.


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## OnFleek (Jun 3, 2018)

Oh I forgot to add that he said that he doesn’t know what he’s doing. He was texting his friend Dave and forgot who he was and sent him hugs and kisses and was texting his buddy Kyle and told him he loved him. So confused.
I wanted to say ‘oh you thought they were your ex wife?’


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

OnFleek said:


> Yes I am documenting everything. I currently work from home and he tried to bully me into saying I want to work things out. I truly can’t. Maybe with total sheepish honesty right from the get-go but it’s too far gone.
> I didn’t see the brain tumour coming either to be honest. I guessed the skin cancer coming.
> I know too much planning can lead someone to stalled behaviour and settling so I have a deadline in mind.
> I have support with siblings. I am not broadcasting for the world to know. I don’t need validation as to my feelings from every friend I have.
> ...


Yes all of that is true and you seem to have really good insight. He is acting crazy and childish currently, but there may come a point where he starts to breakdown and apologize for everything, “take full responsibility” and lay it on thick. 

Others in this forum have said it over and over, doing the actual disconnecting and leaving is what gets the remorse, breaking the affair fog etc. it’s what’s recommended whether the BS wants to reconcile or not. I found that SO strange and backward but it is 100% true. I also read somewhere in a psychology study that WS who are “punished” are less likely to cheat again. Which seems so... barbaric, but also gives credence to the advice of leaving the cheater and then consider reconciling later down the road if that’s what they truly want. I’m not sure if that actually works, I’m sure there are people with that experience here.

I guess the point is, dealing with a cheater is the same either way it seems, disconnecting and leaving. You sound done, but that advice would have been helpful to me the first time I thought I was done and then fell victim to delusional hope.


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## OnFleek (Jun 3, 2018)

So he had his psychologist appointment Friday. According to him he told her the whole story and he says she sees my point. He claims she told him that him telling his daughters to pass the message on to his ex was great. Along with the apology and the hug. She told him she never met anyone like him before. He laughed and called himself one of a kind. I guess she stopped
him and said not in a funny way. That said, something in their conversation made her tell him that his issues are past her level of expertise and that he needs to go to a psychiatrist. 
I’m thinking personality disorder.
And he’s very freaked out as to how I found him out so he took his laptop downstairs and cleaned it out (erased stuff).
I have some work to do with a bit of debt repayment which I have a plan for and should be good to go in a few months.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

OnFleek said:


> So he had his psychologist appointment Friday. According to him he told her the whole story and he says she sees my point. He claims she told him that him telling his daughters to pass the message on to his ex was great. Along with the apology and the hug. She told him she never met anyone like him before. He laughed and called himself one of a kind. I guess she stopped
> him and said not in a funny way. That said, something in their conversation made her tell him that his issues are past her level of expertise and that he needs to go to a psychiatrist.
> I’m thinking personality disorder.
> And he’s very freaked out as to how I found him out so he took his laptop downstairs and cleaned it out (erased stuff).
> I have some work to do with a bit of debt repayment which I have a plan for and should be good to go in a few months.


Of all the things to worry about. I take it the melanoma and brain tumor aren’t that important to him then.


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## OnFleek (Jun 3, 2018)

And this morning it’s covid testing..... he thinks he should go for covid testing...


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Boy...he's really in panic mode.

The truth would be much easier since the thicker he lays it on the worse he looks.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

What nationality is he, sounds like he could be an actor in a Hindi movie, with the amount of drama he tries to pull


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## OnFleek (Jun 3, 2018)

He grew up in Germany. So the latest - pretending to have all these ailments isn’t getting the desired results so now he’s being angry. He sleeps off and on in spare room downstairs because I sometimes snore. Since this happened he has been in the spare room.
So he goes to bed around 6:00pm (yes I know). He says he goes to watch TV and relax because he has a sore leg from a fall from a year ago.
I fed the kids. They went to play a few video games with their friends and we decided to watch a sitcom.
Suddenly I get a text from him saying he could be dead and rotting downstairs and no one would care.
One of the kids went down to ask him to come
watch with us. He declined.
After a few shows it was time for kids to go to bed. I tucked them in.
He comes storming up in a tantrum because the kids didn’t go tell him goodnight.
So the kids are upset. And I went and told him privately he is the parent. Come up and tuck in your kids.
Why suddenly today? He hasn’t cared in years.
I know why. I don’t need to ask. It’s because the other stuff isn’t working on me.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Yep... pretty typical. Keep shifting tactics until you find something that works.

He is some kind of manipulator.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

OnFleek said:


> Why suddenly today? He hasn’t cared in years.
> I know why. I don’t need to ask. It’s because the other stuff isn’t working on me.


Spot on. He is manipulative and he's not even good at it. Sounds like you have your head screwed on straight. Ignore the posturing and BS and get your ducks in a row for separation. He is not in a fit state right now.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Play him at his own game, whinge about all the things he doesn't do and make comments about how his actions have really upset you, how he never does this and never does that. Give him some of his own medicine, he really needs it.


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