# how will her feelings change if she doesnt want to try



## lmh11706 (Sep 22, 2008)

posted on another forum here about this before

married 15 yrs-known my wife for 18-2 children 13 and 8.im 48 my wife 47

my wife does not work-and while i pay all the bills we live ok but struggle and live paycheck to paycheck

let me say that i love my wife with all my heart-she is and we are soulmates,best friends and i will never forgive myself for getting drawn in to that stuff on the computer and hurting her.something that meant really nothing to me was devastating to her.how could i be so stupid.im in therapy and it is helping.im lucky to be with her-she is a loving and loyal person and physically beautiful as well.

i commited internet cheating-sexual emails to other women and couples about wants and desires with them.never met anyone,never wanted to-it was all cybersex but my wife found them and belives there was intent on my part.plus because there were couples involved she thins im bisexual-which i am not and never was-i just got all caught up in the emails and sex talk.so that is also an obstacle for her.

i did this 6 yrs ago-and she forgave-it took a month of what she is doing now-and then i did it a year and a half ago and she forgave again i thougt after another month of what she is doing now.then last february i stopped counseling and lied about it to her-said i was still going and she found out i wasnt

although we still were intimate and continued our relationship as usual-i did notice a lack of passion and affection from her from last spring til july 18-when we had a spat about her going out with her friends too much and not with me.at that point she blindsided me that it was over-she couldnt do it anymore-that the damage is done-she is done with finding this computer stuff over the years.she said she loves me but is not in love with me anymore.she can not trust me because i said i wouldnt do it again but i did.

for 3 months now she has separated herself from me-but we still live together and she does not want a divorce-now things have gotten better in the past month-for the first 2 months she treated me like i had the plague-someone she knows and has been intimate with for 18 yrs.she lets me touch her now and kiss her on the cheek when she didnt touch me or want me to touch her.she feels i want the other people when i touch her which is crazy-plus her anger seems to have subsided a bit

ever since we met we like to go club dancing together but for the last 3 months she has gone without me every sat night with a girlfiend.she says she just wants to be with her friends and dance and is not looking for anything-which i do believe-but it drives me crazy because she is a beautiful,sexy woman and men are always checking her out.maybe she talks and flirts but thats about it.

she says i can go out and i have-but sometimes i wonder if she really means it because she always asking me how it was and who i danced with-i tell her that i really only want to go out with her-but she is the one that wants it this way right now

sometimes i feel i should just stay home-but she has no problem going out-and does it even if i object.

as i said things are a bit better-she told our son last week that she may forgive me soon but what is soon

3 months and she doesnt want to be a couple yet-we do everything else together during the week but when it comes to affection-intimacy or going out like we used to-forget it.-she says shes still not ready-she shys away when i try to kiss her on the lips or try to hug her-which drives me crazy because weve been married for 15yrs and have had a great sex life
plus im very loving and affectionate and have always been with her and i feel like i cant be myself with her

sometimes i tell her that i feel its really over and i should move out-but she doesnt want me too

yesterday i said to her-and she let me hug her-i said i just want to take care of you and comfort you-and she said then why do you want to leave me-is that her saying that we will work it out eventually-i dont know-she answers very few questions these days directly and internalizes alot of feelings.i know she is very scared about trusting me because she thinks ill do it again down the line but i will never make her sorry again.i am being as transparent a person as possible to earn her trust back

my big question is if she loved me wouldnt she want to try-she doesnt seem to want to yet and if we continue the same way we are what exactly is going to change for her-is she going to wake up one day soon and feel different-shouldnt we be spending some alone time together-not sex-but just spend time together.

3 months and counting-she says she needs time-that she just wants to go out with her friends right now but doesnt that get old after a certain amount of time

look i know i deserve what is happening now-but i keeping waking up each day hoping this is the day-i really think in her mind she knows she is going to stay,give me another chance-but then why for the sake of us and our kids and family doesnt she want to do it yet.i mean does she have a certain date in mind.i know its her time frame not mine but---im so confused too-i just want my wife back

thanks for reading and would love to hear anyones opinions


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

It's probably going to take her longer than 3 months to rebuild the trust. You broke her trust once, she forgave you, and then you did it again. So she doesn't know if you're going to do it again or not. She's protecting herself against being hurt again, which is why she is pulling back and not showing you affection, etc. Time. Give it more time. Lots more time. After nearly one year, I am still waiting for my husband to forgive me and to show me affection again, and want to be my friend again. And I didn't break his trust twice - once was plenty for the damage to be done. :-(

There is no set timetable - it is her choice if/when to forgive you and start trying to rebuild the relationship with you. All you can do is keep on the straight and narrow, improve yourself for yourself (not solely for her), and show her the love and respect she deserves. Hang in there!


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## lmh11706 (Sep 22, 2008)

but what about the going out everyweek to the dance club-even though she says shes not looking for anything nothing good can come of it-it drives me crazy when she walks out of the house looking like a playboy playmate with no wedding ring on-although she does wear a ring on that finger just not her wedding ring

it drives me crazy-thats part of the reason she does it probably.but she also says its her only time to relax all week-with her girlfriends-who are all divorced by the way-but most of the night shes hanging by herself-should i just let her go??

this is something we always did together but not now


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## KittyKat (May 11, 2008)

This is coming from someone who's partner did exactly what you did. My spouse did the internet sex thing and took it far enough to talking on the phone and sending text messages.
She swore she ended it. Then 5 months later, I find out it's still going on. I even called the guy!
This isn't the first time this has been done in our 6 yr. relationship.
She can't understand why I don't trust her.
I don't know that I ever will. 
I do know, had she never done this, the problems we are having now would not seem as bad. But when there is no trust, you feel used and abused.
It is your responsibility to prove to her for the rest of your relationship that you are no longer cyber cheating. And if you love her and want to stay with her, you must take what she dishes out. When she thinks you've had enough, she may forgive you again but still have her guard up for quite sometime. 
Pain affects people differently. She'll let you know when she's over it.


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## lmh11706 (Sep 22, 2008)

thanks for the input-it really helps me understand how she may be feeling

but she has said and is acting like she is not in love with me and i think she has been feeling that way longer than the 3 months this is going on

alot of times i cant understand that if she loved me how could she treat me like this for 3 months but i understand now-look how long i did it to her

its just hard because when i go to kiss her she turns away like i was a stranger-married for 15 yrs and said she cant show me any affection-she said she needs time but im just afraid she will not fall back in love with me if we dont spend time together as a couple-going out to dinner-movie-dancing-not looking for sex-just to spend time-but she says shes not ready

i understand

its just those 5-6 hours each week that she goes out without me that drive me nuts-otherwise we are all home as a family the rest of the time-i guess i should be happy for that-i hope its enough and she will give me the opportunity to earn her trust-which i will because my i have changed due to this.


i guess the anger can overtake any love she has for me right now

and yes i know for a fact she is very scared i will do it again
which i wont because i learned a real life lesson this time and learned alot about what i thought was love

unfortunaletly it took this incident to make me realize how much she is a part of me and how much i love her.


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## KittyKat (May 11, 2008)

Have you considered writing her a handwritten letter telling her exactly what you posted above?
If she has something to hold onto and reference back to (instead of referencing back in her mind), it may help.
She needs her space after what you did. You have to remember, she trusted you and you broke that trust, twice. She is now going through the motions of deciding whether it's worth staying with you or if she should just move on.
Write her a letter. It shows you took the time to think about it and think about her and now she has your true feelings written down that she can go back to every time that doubt enters her brain.
It's worth a shot.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

First let me tell you I have been in your wife's shoes, only you didn't cheat physically, my husband did. Also you have a repeat pattern, and my husband cheated once (but for 3 months). So maybe my perspective will help. The fact that it was repeated after she forgave you is going to be tough to overcome as you have violated her trust more than once. I can compare that to when I was pretty sure my husband was cheating and just said to him "you have to choose, her or me. Can you give her up?" He tried to tell me there was nothing going on so I said fine then you should have no problem not contacting her. His answer was absolutely! He lied. He contacted her again. Even after I found out and he confessed, he has finally told me that for 2 days after that they exchanged emails, not to see each other again but just to "find out how she was" and to say it would never work. But again, he promised no contact. So I ask him, how is now different than then? I trusted you then but you broke your promises. He can't answer that, and I don't think you can either. So now you have to rebuild trust and that will take time, you will not wake up one day and "this is the day". It will be like watching grass grow. 

In fact I told him, I don't think this should be easy for you. I'm not intentionally making it hard but trust is earned and when its broken, its much harder to earn it back. But I do believe its possible. But it will take time. 

You need to really look within yourself and through therapy too, why did you commit the act? Its usually complex issue but you do have to resolve that. For us, the major issue was lack of communication. We have been together 23 years (married 15) and we are 39 and 41 with 2 kids. You do hit periods of your life where it can become dull if you let it. We did. All focus on kids, none on us. Slowly the happiness began to disappear in him and he said nothing, didn't want to "upset me"...how ironic! 

That is the WORST thing he could have done and he now realizes it and its because of how he has changed his communication that has allowed us to reconcile. I would not even try if he hadn't been open about everything and instead of me being the one who always communicates, we both do equally now in fact he's better at it now than me (therapy did wonders for us). Its also learning how to communicate. You have to really LISTEN to each other, be open, and set emotions aside. I know that's very tough but it is possible and necessary so you really hear the message. 

She has not let you go, not yet. So I think its save-able. First analyze why you did what you did, and fix it! Second open up communication with her. At first just about light topics. But also show interest in what she is doing or saying, call her up during the day to tell her something funny you saw or did, etc. You will need to discuss some of these other issues with her but first re-establish good communication. 

Tell her you know that it will take time for her to trust you again but you are really committed to winning her trust and will do whatever it takes. Then be there for her, she will have up and down moments, be supportive in both.

As for her wanting to go out, you know what I can relate! When you cheated you also told her she wasn't enough. Pretty enough, sexy enough...whatever. I'm sure that's not what this is about but how can a woman not feel that way? She's needing that attention right now. But if that is what she wanted to do all the time (be single) you wouldn't be living there anymore. Maybe you could tell her things to complement her too. 

I also began going out with my friends, my issue was I felt like I had none and all of me was wrapped up in my husband and kids and if he left I was alone (with my kids of course)...I needed to establish some independence. Actually that continues and has a positive affect on me. I don't really go out to much but I know have re-established friendships and do have a life outside this marriage. That has actually made my marriage healthier. 

I hope some of these insights help...good luck!


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

lmh11706 said:


> but what about the going out everyweek to the dance club-even though she says shes not looking for anything nothing good can come of it-it drives me crazy when she walks out of the house looking like a playboy playmate with no wedding ring on.....


One more thought....this may be to punish you. Perhaps not intentionally. But you hurt her and she is doing the same, its a self-protection mechanism. She may want only the attention and nothing further so she's probably telling you the trust when she says she not looking for anything. I speak from experience...I've dressed in a way to get attention and was a little bit flirty at a party my husband was with me at. I got the attention I was seeking and he still talks about it. I wondered why I did that and it became clear, I can go on and other people would be interested if he left. I needed that assurance...confidence was severly damaged. It was a way for me to cope.


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