# is it culture-or just him?



## fcyrrlty (Feb 15, 2015)

I met my current husband over ten years ago...we courted for several months and then married. Fast forward to now-we have been married for 10yrs-we have one child together. We each brought children into the relationship-he has a special needs son, and I have a 15yr old son, and a daughter who is out on her own. Our marriage is struggling-there is an obvious emotional disconnect that I did not see at the beginning of our relationship. Having our child only widened this issue. 

Last night (Valentine's Day, of all days) we had a blowout argument. He claims he wants more kids....I am 45 years old, have had three children already, in grad school, working two jobs, and starting my own business within the year (all of which he is NOT supportive of). I am on a completely different path that does not involve babies or children. He does not support me because I do not want more kids. He proceeds to tell me I am a failure as a mother in regards to my two other children. He has asked me to leave-and leave our son behind. He tells me he does not trust me to raise our child. Funny, because he would have been more than willing to impregnate me at my expense if he was able. 

My husband is Chinese-he came to the States as a young adult. I often find he misses the most obvious things in life-I guess I chalk that up to him being a man-and a hard-working one at that. But there is no passion, no romance, no asking how my day went, no fruitful conversation....nothing. When I see him communicate with other people, I realize he has all these capabilities. 

The issues started when I became pregnant with our child. He never offered to come to OB appointments with me (because I never asked, he tells me), he would rarely call during the day when he went to work, and he would hire nonEnglish speaking babysitters to take care of the child (because they were the cheapest). I was able to manipulate my schedule as a nurse to accommodate his schedule-this meant I worked nights and weekends-and forfeited this time that I could have spend with the family-but instead, I was working. 

He tells me he is doing the best he can....and oh, by the way, he is "right." He has refused to accept accountability for the souring of the current relationship. I admit-I feel he doesn't care, I feel taken advantage of, and I don't feel he is gracious. I want to work on this relationship, but he refuses to go to therapy (because that is not what people do). I find it difficult to talk to him-and he does not seem to understand that relationships take two people, willing to compromise to make it work. 

I realize this post is scattered-but my head is so clouded with the immense degradations from him.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It's unrealistic that he expect a 45 year old woman to get pregnant just because he wants more children. Why didn't he bring this up 5 years ago?


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

Go to therapy for yourself, to help you get stronger and deal with his crap and also know when to drop kick his ass to the curb.

You know your husband is totally full of it. He says you are a horrible mother yet he wants another baby? Is that with you or from you as in you serve as his incubator, he throws you out of the house and he keeps the kids?

IamSomebody


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When you say that he does not support you, do you mean that he does not support the things you do, like working, being in a master's program, etc? 

Or does he also not support you financially?


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## fcyrrlty (Feb 15, 2015)

EleGirl,
SO actually his biggest claim to fame is the financial support. OK, yes-I admit-he pays the house note-but I pick up all the utilities, car insurance, groceries, my car note, etc. I took care of childcare fee-preschool-when that was applicable. I pay all the fees with summer camps, etc. But no, he does not support my education-he made it clear when we got married....and it is very evident now. He tells me with my experience and two year degree that I will be fine. Unfortunately, I should be the judge of that as I am in the medical field-and he is not. And by the way, I am paying for school out of pocket-so there was no extra burden placed on him. I am resentful especially in light that he has a PhD. I don't understand this-is there something I am missing? Is he intimidated because I am getting ahead in life?....I read somewhere that in China-women that are successful are actually the throwaways of society-men do not want women that are "better" than they are.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I don't know anything really about Chinese culture, so I can't offer an opinion of that's the issue in your marriage, but I can offer my experience with a European husband: different cultural backgrounds make for a lot more work in a marriage. You're both carrying expectations of each other that you don't even consciously realize you have until you're living with someone who isn't meeting them. It sounds like you two are at the difficult stage of unpacking what's been culturally programmed that you've been conditioned to expect, and what you actually want. And then communicating these things to each other, and then giving your best to reconcile your views, reach a compromise, then live up to that. It's a mountain. H and I didn't even come close to getting there, but we had other issues working against us too. I can say that culture that doesn't value your input because you're a woman is going to be a lot to overcome. Good luck.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I'm married to an Asian lady and the only way we succeeded in addressing the " I have more degrees than you" dilemma - prevalent in her culture - was for both of us to go to grad school at the same time and attain the highest degree level (both phd's). 

I can tell you i would be screwed if she ended up with a higher education level than me regardless of income. That's how they are.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

fcyrrlty said:


> SO actually his biggest claim to fame is the financial support. OK, yes-I admit-he pays the house note-but I pick up all the utilities, car insurance, groceries, my car note, etc. I took care of childcare fee-preschool-when that was applicable. I pay all the fees with summer camps, etc.


So you two have separate finances? 
What % of the bills (including the mortgage) do you pay?
What % of your joint income do you earn?



fcyrrlty said:


> But no, he does not support my education-he made it clear when we got married....and it is very evident now. He tells me with my experience and two year degree that I will be fine. Unfortunately, I should be the judge of that as I am in the medical field-and he is not. And by the way, I am paying for school out of pocket-so there was no extra burden placed on him.


From what I know about the nursing job market, employers are requiring more and more education all the time. I agree that if you want to maintain and/or increase earning potential, you need the extra education.
It’s pretty ‘funny’ for a guy who is not willing to take 100% responsibility for the financial end of things to then complain when his wife is doing things to become more able to earn a good living.
Could his complain be more about the fact that if your working, taking care of children, and going to school you have little time for him? Could this be what his complaints are really about?
While you are paying for your own education, in a way it does burden you both financially. Marital income is community property. You are using community assets/property to pay for your education. I get that the idea is that the payback later will be greater.



fcyrrlty said:


> I am resentful especially in light that he has a PhD. I don't understand this-is there something I am missing? Is he intimidated because I am getting ahead in life?....I read somewhere that in China-women that are successful are actually the throwaways of society-men do not want women that are "better" than they are.


His issues are probably a mixture of both his culture and who he is. Trying to determine which it is would be like trying to separate the sugar out of a cake after it was baked. Not worth the effort. Set your boundaries and don’t accept treatment that you are not comfortable with.

Have you actually asked him detailed questions to figure out where all of this is coming from?

If he wanted a traditional Chinese wife who had lots of babies, then why did he marry a non-Chinese wife who was beyond the child bearing years (soon after marriage)? Why does he expect his wife to pay half or more of the bills? 

It sounds to me like he is picking on the parts of his culture and yours that give him the biggest pay-off.. a wife who pays half the bills, has babies and takes care of them, and how will pamper him like a traditional Chinese wife. It’s a nice pipe dream, but he’s not going to get it.

Stop letting his nonsense get to you. When he brings up wanting more babies, offer him 3 choices. He gets to choose and once he does he has to shut his mouth about it.

1)	You two divorce and he goes off to marry a young woman to have lots and lots of babies. And he gets to pay you child support for the child he has with you.

2)	He stay with you and have all the babies that he, personally, can give birth to.

3)	He stays with you and accepts the reality that your child bearing days are over. He married you knowing how old you are, so he accepts the reality of HIS CHOICE.

On the topic of your education. Tell him that as long as you have to pay for a large portion of the family bills, you have to work to earn as much as you can. So you are going to school for this. As your husband, some day he will benefit from this.

If he does not like it, he is free to divorce you. But if he stays, he has to knock off this nonsense of not supporting you in bettering your earning potential.

You do need to talk to him about what’s going on in his head and find out what he’s thinking. But you also have to decide what I important to you and then stand up for it. Set boundaries of how you will allow yourself to be treated and enforce those boundaries.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Wow...Just this one aspect...45 and your husband wants you to have more biological children...not easy and not even possible for most 45 year olds, it doesn't seem like he is functioning in reality.


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## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

Not to sound too tough on you. But you picked this partner/life, didn't you? It wasn't an arranged marriage? With that said, do you feel he is capable of compromising and doing some things for you? Hear you out? If not, no marriage counceling...then either accept the fate you decided or move on with your life separately.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

fcyrrlty,

Was he like this when you were dating him before you married?

How has he changed since marriage?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Good lord! Tell him tough shyt!?!

I've got about zero respect for your H or his culture. 45? Yeah, why wouldn't you want to have another kid?

I don't think you should give an inch in his direction on this issue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fcyrrlty (Feb 15, 2015)

yes, you are right-I picked this partner-but I had no idea this is the life that would result. I take responsibility for not fully understanding the person I married. But I cannot be accountable for the different person he has become. I miss that person I married. I am prepared to make a life separate for myself-to honor myself for the individual I am and who I represent. I am treading this path carefully because of the son we have together. 

I would give anything to go to counseling-but his belief is that we should be able to figure this out. This begs the question "how is that working for you"....it is not working-we need a mediator in order to come to a resolution.....


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## fcyrrlty (Feb 15, 2015)

I don't know how many women are on this forum-but I can tell you that carrying a baby at 35 was rough for me. I can't even imagine how that would be at 45. Regardless, it takes two parents who make mutual compromises to arrive at the decision to bring another life into this world. Based on our circumstances, the lack of emotional connection, and the obvious loss of interest in each other-I do not believe this is a functional relationship in which to raise a child.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You have only shared a small bit of what is going on in your relationship. If you believe it's not a functional marriage and he will not work on it with you, then I don't see any path forward except divorce.

An intact family is not always the most healthy place for a child to grow up. When parents are miserable, it causes harm to the children.


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## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

I wish you the best of luck. Marriage, or life for that matter isn't always easy. But what makes life easy being in a marriage is an understanding partner. Your husband needs to understand that having another child at 45 is highly unlikely and potentially dangerous to your health.


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