# Is this passive aggressive or am I too sensitive?



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Hi all:

As most of you know, I have filed for divorce because STBEH cheated, and trickle truthed and stayed in contact with OW too long after Dday and other nasty stuff. 

In any case, he does not want the divorce and is resisting it. 

He recently sent me a gift, one that he has always known I am not interested in. I think this is a passive aggressive insult disguised as a way to reconcile. 

Also, he wants to be able to show that he tried to please me but I am not easily pleased. He actually told one MC that.

The gift was jewelry. 

He bought jewelry for OW, and when I complained about him buying jewelry he said I did not like jewelry. True enough, but my complaint was the fact that he bought her a gift that she liked, and that he rarely bought me expensive gifts or paid attention to my likes regarding gifts.

He said OW loves jewelry so she is easy to buy gifts for, I am difficult because I don't like jewelry or flowers or candy. 

During our marriage we had discussed this many times. I eventually let it go because it was not worth arguing over, IMO.

In any case, STBEH knows, I prefer gifts of time, like a ride in a biplane or glider, or a trip to space camp to experience weightlessness, or a skydiving wind machine. 

Other gifts I might appreciate are pottery or an original painting. 

I have a friend who knew me less than a month and she bought me a gift that I loved because she actually listened to me when I described the kinds of gifts I like. 

The gift was admission to a place with a wind machine so I could reexperience skydiving without actually jumping out of a plane.

I had fun, she had fun, it was a good experience to share. No, it was a great bonding experience to share with a woman friend.

Anyway, am I unpleasable because I have a gazzilion times told my STBEH that I don't like expensive jewelry, yet he buys that and shows up with it and discusses that he does not want the divorce. 

Sigh. I am confused, maybe I am too difficult to please.

Is he being passive aggressive or just a huge unaware clod?


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

An unaware clod with a chewy caramel center of passive-aggresiveness.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Nope. You're not too sensitive. You're just like my fWW, she doesn't like jewelry, candy, or flowers either. But I know what she likes, she likes clothes, so that's what I buy. He would be stupid not to know what kind of gift you would like. The fact that OW liked jewelry certainly influenced him in getting you jewelry, in that an affair is a kind of courtship, and he thinks he's trying to win you back. That's my theory anyway, so it may not be valid. I'm not a WH so I'm not sure what's running through his mind when it comes to gifts.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

does it matter? either case is just more proof that he isn't worthy of staying married to him


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Return it and spend the $$ on better things.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Nope. You're not too sensitive. You're just like my fWW, she doesn't like jewelry, candy, or flowers either. But I know what she likes, she likes clothes, so that's what I buy. He would be stupid not to know what kind of gift you would like. The fact that OW liked jewelry certainly influenced him in getting you jewelry, in that an affair is a kind of courtship, and he thinks he's trying to win you back. That's my theory anyway, so it may not be valid. I'm not a WH so I'm not sure what's running through his mind when it comes to gifts.


Unsure in seatte, keko, and LM thank you for the insight. 

LM:

That is an interesting theory. That he thinks it is a way to court me as he did with OW. 

I am not quite sure what is running through his mind either. 

I just took the gift and said thank you and did not mention it is not something I would like because we had discussed it so many times.

Do you think I should consider that he is truly trying to reconcile, in his own cloddish way?

What would you do?


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Honestly, I would ask him outright what his motivation was. You'll know immediately.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

You're not too sensitive at all. Actually, he's being a d*ck because he knows what you like and what you don't so I have the feeling he's doing it on purpose so that you can look like you're playing hard to get or whatever.

But yeah, as AR said - you're going through a divorce so if I were you I wouldn't accept the gift in the first place.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> Unsure in seatte, keko, and LM thank you for the insight.
> 
> LM:
> 
> ...


HI Sara --you said about your friend " I have a friend who knew me less than a month and she bought me a gift that I loved because she actually listened to me"

You have been married a while if I remember -- do you think your husband ever really listened to you about your likes.

Judging by the gift he gave you that would be a NO.

Now -- only you can decide about your marriage. You don't get divorced because of a gift --- you get divorced because of a variety of reason -- infidelity is one.

It won't be easy if you try to Reconcile --- maybe it will work -- maybe it won't. Maybe you should still get divorced -- and date each other and other men as well.

Infidelity is a deal breaker for some -- because that trust is gone forever -- othesr say that infidelity made there marriage stronger -- brought them closer together.

Only Sara can decide what is best for her -- but please make sure Sara is following her heart and not her head. It's at these times the two are in conflict.

Good luck !!


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> You're not too sensitive at all. Actually, he's being a d*ck because he knows what you like and what you don't so I have the feeling he's doing it on purpose so that you can look like you're playing hard to get or whatever.
> 
> But yeah, as AR said - you're going through a divorce so if I were you I wouldn't accept the gift in the first place.


Thanks. 

I will likely ask him and see what his response will be. 

But I predict he will say I am impossible to please.

I took the gift because it's expensive, and it came out of marital assets and my lawyer said gifts are not shared in marital assets. 

So, if I return it, I keep what it's worth.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

jh52 said:


> Only Sara can decide what is best for her -- but please make sure Sara is following her heart and not her head. It's at these times the two are in conflict.
> 
> Good luck !!


Thanks, and yes the head and heart are in conflict. 

I think my head needs to take over though, maybe? :scratchhead:


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Sara8 said:


> Do you think I should consider that he is truly trying to reconcile, in his own cloddish way?


It may or may not be trying to reconcile. Another possibility that we've discussed are guilt gifts. Whether its an attempt to court you back or a guilt gift, if he spent a decent amount of money on it, then I wouldn't think its an insult. That just doesn't make sense to me.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> Hi all:
> 
> As most of you know, I have filed for divorce because STBEH cheated, and trickle truthed and stayed in contact with OW too long after Dday and other nasty stuff.
> 
> ...


Sarah, you are doing your STBXH an injustice. I believe it is highly likely that he is quite capable of being passive aggressive *and* a huge unaware clod!

BTW, has anyone ever looked at your STBXH and said: "The last sensible thing you did was to marry Sara. And look how you managed to mess *that* up!"


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Sara:

Also, just make sure you are not Plan B. It OW didn't turn out to be such a nut job/sleaze ball -- what do you think you husband would be doing ?

Not trying to get you down -- just trying to point out other things.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Whether its an attempt to court you back or a guilt gift, if he spent a decent amount of money on it, then I wouldn't think its an insult. That just doesn't make sense to me.


It doesn't make sense that it's meant to be an insult. 

So a guilt gift, is just cause he feels guilty about spending money on OW?


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

jh52 said:


> Sara:
> 
> Also, just make sure you are not Plan B. It OW didn't turn out to be such a nut job/sleaze ball -- what do you think you husband would be doing ?
> 
> Not trying to get you down -- just trying to point out other things.


He claims he picked her precisely because she was a sleaze ball and not ever someone he could consider marrying. Or so he says. 

He was however surprised about the nut ball stuff, though.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> He claims he picked* her precisely because she was a sleaze ball and not ever someone he could consider marrying. Or so he says. *
> He was however surprised about the nut ball stuff, though.


I've heard that more than once from a WS, that they specifically chose the nastiest, dirtiest person they could because they wanted someone who was completey opposite of their SO.
Kind of sick & twisted that they would do that, but maybe it helps them deal with their own guilt. 
And it's just more of not ever being able to understand why WS's do what they do.


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## LastUnicorn (Jul 10, 2012)

I vote for huge unaware clod.


> He bought jewelry for OW, and when I complained about him buying jewelry he said I did not like jewelry. True enough, but my complaint was the fact that he bought her a gift that she liked, and that he rarely bought me expensive gifts or paid attention to my likes regarding gifts.


 maybe, just maybe he is attempting to cover the `you did this for her but not for me angle. 

Keep in mind good relationship courtesy if you can. Say thank you. Express pleasure for the thought. Wear it. I say again, WEAR IT. Its just good courtesy & appreciation.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

LastUnicorn said:


> I vote for huge unaware clod. maybe, just maybe he is attempting to cover the `you did this for her but not for me angle.
> 
> Keep in mind good relationship courtesy if you can. Say thank you. Express pleasure for the thought. Wear it. I say again, WEAR IT. Its just good courtesy & appreciation.


I did take it and said thank you and wore it when he came over. 

Here's the problem, though, I have been doing this type of thing for years. Gushing over gift he gave me just to be gracious and not complaining. 

In reality we have many times discussed the type of gifts we each like. 

I would always buy him something he had prior admired in a store. I would take note and buy it. 

He never remembered anything I ever admired in front of him and went back and bought it. 

But you are right no need to be mean. Perhaps he is just a huge emotional clod. 

It's sad because he is saying that he does not want the divorce and mentions how long we have been married and how we new each other three years before we married and he says I am a good woman and he was lucky to have me.

He doesn't realize that when he says that I think but don't say anymore: Well than why did you hurt me so badly?

I have said that to him and he has had different answers. 

Sometimes he says he doesn't know why. Other times he wanted to hurt me. 

Other times he said the situation was too tempting. 

Sigh


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

LastUnicorn said:


> say thank you. Express pleasure for the thought. Wear it. I say again, WEAR IT. Its just good courtesy & appreciation.


I have to disagree.
If you buy me a gift and you already know that I don't like that type of gift, then what respect and courtesy do you have for me at this point? 
Why buy it when _you know_ I won't like it? That is anything but respect and courtesy. You ignore my taste/preferences and buy something YOU like and NOT something that I like. Given that the gift is for ME, I think you should put more thought into respecting ME first.

And if you don't respect me in the first place, why do I have to give you some respect back?

Instead of respecting you by wearing it, I'd choose to _respectfully reject_ it.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> I did take it and said thank you and wore it when he came over.
> 
> Here's the problem, though, I have been doing this type of thing for years. Gushing over gift he gave me just to be gracious and not complaining.
> 
> ...


You are slowly being sucked back in. Make sure this is what you want. He will say and do anything at the moment. Ending a marriage is not to be taken lightly -- but neither is hurting the one person who you should always love, honor and cherish.

He hurt you just by not cheating -- but all the lies and deception that goes along with having a 2nd life.

Sara -- whatever you decide is fine -- just make sure you have all your questions answered and he knows what caused him to stray. If you both don't find out the reason(s) why he cheated -- my guess is that sometime in the future he will cheat again.

Take care --


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> I have to disagree.
> If you buy me a gift and you already know that I don't like that type of gift, then what respect and courtesy do you have for me at this point?
> Why buy it when _you know_ I won't like it? That is anything but respect and courtesy. You ignore my taste/preferences and buy something YOU like and NOT something that I like. Given that the gift is for ME, I think you should put more thought into respecting ME first.
> 
> ...


I agree. 

I wore it because I decided to be a little passive aggressive back at him. 

I don't want him to know what I think anymore. 

I share that stuff only on TAM, not with friends or anyone. 

I can see this has put him on edge. 

After Dday 1, my birthday arrived and he asked me what I wanted. I told him to surprise me, but not to get me flowers. 

Guess what he got, he got me a very expensive bouquet of flowers. 

When I complained, he said all women like flowers I thought you just said that because you are too practical and don't want me to waste money on flowers. 

I ask so how does that negate finding something that I Like as a gift. 

His response was an exasperated expression and the remark that I was impossible to please and other women are much easier to buy gifts for. 

Like I said, I recently made a new woman friend and she had no trouble figuring out a gift I would like. 

The look on my STBEH face is one of surprise as if he truly does not understand my complaint when I mention that I don't like flowers.

Also, he is resisting divorce and trying to get me to at least date him again, so that confuses me. Why is he doing something so cloddish while insisting he want to get back together and date so he can make it up to me. I am so confused and sad.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

jh52 said:


> You are slowly being sucked back in. Make sure this is what you want. He will say and do anything at the moment. Ending a marriage is not to be taken lightly -- but neither is hurting the one person who you should always love, honor and cherish.
> 
> He hurt you just by not cheating -- but all the lies and deception that goes along with having a 2nd life.
> 
> ...


He did tell me a reason, yesterday. He said he cheated and also went to the men's clubs to see if his parts worked with other women. He said he couldn't understand why he was having sexual dysfunction and admitted that he was blaming me instead of himself. 

He says, he always felt bad after having sex with OW and he realized that the sheer excitement of the situation and the newness made it easier for him to function when they met infrequently. 

When I asked about the men's club issue, he said he still wanted to see if he could get excited by this women giving him a lap dance and he said he really was not. He said he can't understand the attraction to it. 

I duuno'


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> He did tell me a reason, yesterday. He said he cheated and also went to the men's clubs to see if his parts worked with other women. He said he couldn't understand why he was having sexual dysfunction and admitted that he was blaming me instead of himself.
> 
> He says, he always felt bad after having sex with OW and he realized that the sheer excitement of the situation and the newness made it easier for him to function when they met infrequently.
> 
> ...


He sounds like he could use some IC. Blaming you for his sexual dysfunction is also not a good situtaion.

Maybe this was a blessing for you -- you get to stop and really think about you and what Sara wants and needs.

Make you the #1 priority.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Sounds like a (lame) last ditch attempt to save himself. Call me a cold hearted SOB but I'd be insulted if it took cheating and destroying a marriage for him to finally get you a thoughtful gift. 

Moreover its intention wasn't selfless like it's meant to be. It's essentially: "here, take this shiny thing and now get over yourself....."

Don't make him guilt you into thinking that you're unappeasable Sara. A husband that cherishes his wife will do anything to make her happy. And you weren't asking for much. Ironically most of the gifts you wanted were things the both of you could've enjoyed.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Complexity said:


> Sounds like a (lame) last ditch attempt to save himself. Call me a cold hearted SOB but I'd be insulted if it took cheating and destroying a marriage from him to finally get you a thoughtful gift.
> 
> Moreover its intention wasn't selfless like it's meant to be. It's essentially: "here, take this shiny thing and now get over yourself....."
> 
> Don't make him guilt you into thinking that you're unappeasable Sara. A husband that cherishes his wife will do anything to make her happy. And you weren't asking for much. Ironically most of the gifts you wanted were things the both of you could've enjoyed.


:iagree::iagree:


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> Guess what he got, he got me a very expensive bouquet of flowers.
> 
> When I complained, he said all women like flowers I thought you just said that because you are too practical and don't want me to waste money on flowers.
> .


Be glad he's a soon-to-be-ex.

He couldn't figure out you weren't like all women and he was just a selfish a$$.

Unless a man realizes that his woman is different and special, then he's not for her because she deserves better.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I only have one small thing to say Sara. Look at everything together. He basically is under the impression everything is your fault. Its your fault you don't get a gift you like, he bought you jewelry and flowers ( which you vocalized weren't gifts you liked already). It was your fault he cheated ( at some point I am sure he said that). I would not expect his tendency to blame everything on you to go away. Your fault he had some ED issues to eh? really? Looks like someone never learned about personal responsibility and relationships.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Jh, complexity, lovely G and Dawn. 

Sadly, I already know that your are all right in what you say. 

Thank you.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

P/S Sara if you're contemplating R with your H, know that we'll be fully supportive of you whatever the decision. I personally will never give you flak for it, you deserve to be happy regardless of the decision you take.

Just be careful however. Petty gifts shouldn't buy you back this easily. As a man reading his excuses for going to strip clubs and having the affair, I can tell you, they're complete and utter BS and his PR department needs to try a hell of a lot harder. 

First of, married men shouldn't go to strip clubs in my opinion, he's not a bachelor any more. Secondly for him to say I wanted to see whether strippers could get me more aroused than my wife..... not only is that disingenuous but also insulting and narcissistic. And if he "always" felt bad for cheating with the Ow why was he so cruel to you post D-day? Surely if she was a "sleazebag" from day one, I would've tried everything to win back the Lady in my life. Or did she become a sleazebag after she threw him under the bus?
Again Sara, you deserve better than this.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Totally agree with everyone here. I'm sure he's trying to play you again...he knows you are set on divorce and as he can no longer have you, is resisting it and buying you 'gifts' to guilt you and try and get some power over you. You have all the power now. Anyone who truly loves someone else does not cheat, and blaming you is classic self justification. You are right to move on with your life and best of luck with it all


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Sara8 said:


> Jh, complexity, lovely G and Dawn.
> 
> Sadly, I already know that your are all right in what you say.
> 
> Thank you.


 You deserve a better man Sara. If he wants to be that better man, that is one thing. But if he thinks being the same man he was and giving you a couple of reasons for his sh*tty choices is enough, then he is sadly mistaken. As Complexity said, of course we will support you in what you decide, but I wholeheartedly think you deserve a BETTER man, not just a man.


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## coco19 (Jul 22, 2016)

Definitely passive aggressve!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

wow zombie thread...


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