# How do you deal with the physical reminders?



## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

My ex husband would routinely go to massage parlors and get happy endings. Unfortunately in northern California there's more of these places than I've ever seen and I can't pass by one without feeling sick and my heart drops. I just watched an episode of a TV show where a man regularly had these services and I literally couldn't finish watching it. I hate this. Luckily I am moving out of state within a month and will be thousands of miles away from these heartbreaking reminders. How do/did you guys deal with reminders? I need ideas please. I'm a dweller and just can't get over this. Thanks.


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## WaitForIt... (Jan 20, 2013)

My STBXH went to those places as well. I still cannot see anything that says massage, spa, Asian without cringing. I still have difficulties going into a Chinese restaurant and will not have a pedicure becuase of this. It has been over three years since I found out. We attempted reconciliation but the mental, emotional and sexual damage it did to me would not let go. Now, when I trigger, I redirect my thoughts to something pleasant. For example, how greatly my life has changed since I've moved away and filed for divorce. I think about how he Is tainted to me now. I think about how I deserve MUCH better than a man who cannot control himself. A man that puts his health and my health on the back burner so he can do dirty things with a prostitute, a complete stranger. 

Men in love or in committed relationships that do these things some serious issues that only intense individual therapy can repair. I suggest you redirect your thoughts every time triggers occur. It will take time but you will heal. Distance will do you some good as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pattiroxxi (May 3, 2014)

My ex husband did the EXACT SAME thing. I am in the same boat as you. Massage Parlors make me flip. I don't know how to get past it. I tried revenge and it helped a little but still...


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

He blames most of his issues on his trauma while serving in Iraq and has had therapy ever since (it was in 2008) Last time I spoke to him he admitted that he doesn't tell his new therapist everything so maybe he just doesn't want help. Anyway, at times it feels like subconsciously I enjoy torturing myself because I will see it or hear it and will obsess over the thoughts. It sucks becsuse I've gotten to where I don't think about it anymore.....until I see one or its brought up then I relapse for a bit. I need to work against my obsessive nature and learn to redirect my thoughts. Turning my head away while I pass by one I know is approaching helps a little bit but I'd like to get to the point where I'm not like "oh god there it is, look away...just don't look at that side of the road till you pass."


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Have you tried the 180? you can read about it on TAM.

Going NC with your cheating spouse is part of the process.

NC will not work if you are going to R.

Time has been some help with my wife's cheating, but it is so slow and some days are better than others.

Triggers happen, but it is what I do with them. Some days that is about all I can think about, while other days I am able to think about other things, or take deep breaths, or exercise. 

I try to get on the exercise machines for 30 minutes a day. She hates that my workout clothes stink from the sweat, but I can't help that. The exercise makes me feel better about myself.

Find things that make you feel better about yourself and involve yourself in those activities. 

Hope you do not have children with your cheater.


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

My wife feels the same way about the strip club, I am forbidden to step foot in another one ever again. Stripper, pole dancing, lap dance, mentioned or seen on tv usually throws her into a tizzy and she's pissed for hours.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

My physical reminder was every bus owned by the local bus company as my wife's POSOM was a bus driver.

Eventually I got over it. Somehow.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

*Re: Re: How do you deal with the physical reminders?*



harrybrown said:


> Have you tried the 180? you can read about it on TAM.
> 
> Going NC with your cheating spouse is part of the process.
> 
> ...


We've tried to reconcile twice but he backed out both of those times with the most recent one being this past Sunday. I told him I couldn't do this with him and cut the ties for the second time but this time I blocked his number. Thankfully I have no children with the guy. We tried for children but not having any was a blessing in disguise. As for doing things that make me fe better....nothing anymore does. I have not engaged in any real hobbies in nearly 2 years. After work I just sleep or watch movies/TV or homework. And sometimes I can't even focus on those. I'm just looking forward to moving away from here where there are all these painful memories. Hopefully they will not follow me as strongly when I leave. The 2,300 mile drive I have ahead of me will be the worst...


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> My physical reminder was every bus owned by the local bus company as my wife's POSOM was a bus driver.
> 
> Eventually I got over it. Somehow.


You should have paid a bum to get on his bus and take a dump right behind his seat... For all I know you did do that. If not, consider that option now if he still drives the bus.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP, I encourage you to seize the opportunity you have with the move to re energize your life.

I know it is tough, but getting out and getting active helps. It takes your mind off of past problems and helps you to refocus in healthier ways... at least it worked that way for me. Find a gym and get into a routine. Stick with it!

If you enjoyed something before- photography- art- music-poetry- whatever... get involved again. Stick with it for a wile. The first few times out may seem awkward but it will get better. Check some local resources, libraries, or even a google search to find some clubs that interest you.

I wish you well.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

I can relate. I still have trouble with some physical triggers, too.

Forgive me if I missed it, but have *you* had any counseling? If not, I would highly recommend seeking out a counselor after you move. How soon will you be moving?


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

I will forever associate her cheating with the theater (plays, not movies). I usually went to a play per month. I've only been to one since we separated. And that one only because S18 was in it. That play was at the theater where STBX had most of her sexual encounters, so that was stressful. But I survived it. So, I will go out of my way to avoid that theater, one of my kids on stage is the only thing that will get me in the door. But I think eventually I will be able to attend other theaters and see plays again.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Lordhavok said:


> The All-Father wove the skein of your life a long time ago. Go and hide in a hole if you wish, but you won't live one instant longer. Your fate is fixed. Fear profits a man nothing.


Awesome quote. Awesome movie.

</threadjack>


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

*Re: Re: How do you deal with the physical reminders?*



Lordhavok said:


> My wife feels the same way about the strip club, I am forbidden to step foot in another one ever again. Stripper, pole dancing, lap dance, mentioned or seen on tv usually throws her into a tizzy and she's pissed for hours.


I feel the same way as your wife, it triggers me big time...


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

*Re: Re: How do you deal with the physical reminders?*



dignityhonorpride said:


> I can relate. I still have trouble with some physical triggers, too.
> 
> Forgive me if I missed it, but have *you* had any counseling? If not, I would highly recommend seeking out a counselor after you move. How soon will you be moving?


I had counseling when we were married before he cheated and I just had my last session with my therapist today. If I can find a job that has insurance to help pay for counseling then I will definitely seek that out, otherwise I'm SOL with my problems. I'm leaving at the end of the month or beginning of September.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

*Re: Re: How do you deal with the physical reminders?*



workindad said:


> OP, I encourage you to seize the opportunity you have with the move to re energize your life.
> 
> I know it is tough, but getting out and getting active helps. It takes your mind off of past problems and helps you to refocus in healthier ways... at least it worked that way for me. Find a gym and get into a routine. Stick with it!
> 
> ...


I do believe the move will help. I'm going back to my hometown which will be refreshing to be around familiar faces after living out here alone. I've had no real support here so it's been tough indeed. I will try to get back into a routine and do the things that I liked to do before and find new hobbies. It will take everything I have to get out of the house but I will have friends making me so I should be alright. Thanks.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

SepticChange said:


> I had counseling when we were married before he cheated and I just had my last session with my therapist today. If I can find a job that has insurance to help pay for counseling then I will definitely seek that out, otherwise I'm SOL with my problems. I'm leaving at the end of the month or beginning of September.


What do you do for work? I recall reading some of what you've posted in your other threads... you were in the military as well at some point, correct?


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

*Re: Re: How do you deal with the physical reminders?*



GusPolinski said:


> What do you do for work? I recall reading some of what you've posted in your other threads... you were in the military as well at some point, correct?


I'm in the military now. I will be leaving active duty in a month.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

well one reason I left and aint never going back is because I would not be able to handle triggers constantly. Out of sight, out of mind is my motto. To me, she is no different than someone I went to high school with. Yea there were some good times, but high school is over. Like an old college girlfriend, yea she messed around on me but that was then this is now. You know what? whenever I get triggered I thank my lucky stars I am not still with her. Like one of my friends said after we split..I said to him "I feel funny" and he put his hand on my shoulder and said "It's called freedom."


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

SepticChange said:


> I'm in the military now. I will be leaving active duty in a month.


Well the good news is that there should be tons of job training options open to you. And what about counseling through the VA?

To what location are you moving?


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## phoenix_ (Dec 20, 2013)

Lordhavok said:


> My wife feels the same way about the strip club, I am forbidden to step foot in another one ever again. Stripper, pole dancing, lap dance, mentioned or seen on tv usually throws her into a tizzy and she's pissed for hours.


Amazing how your wife doesn't want you to drool over naked women, huh? lol...


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

He didn't exactly cheat, but I perceived a great threat from a particular young woman. He removed her from his proximity, but with a lot of insisting and arguing. Two years later I can't still hear that name. Or if I see someone of resemblance I cringe. Not much you can do, except as you said, move your thoughts toward more pleasant things. IC could help too, if you're willing to talk your stuff to a shrink...if not, you just have to learn to master your thoughts.


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## Retribution (Apr 30, 2012)

My brother would do something he called "taking it back". He would go to wherever the source of the trigger was and find a reason to have it not be about his wh0re wife; be it a new happy memory at a restaurant, or a way to make the trigger not about her.

I understand that many of you women don't want to necessarily have a positive memory for a massage parlor that offers "happy endings" or a strip club, and I don't blame you, but maybe you could find a way for it to not be about your unfaithful men.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Retribution said:


> My brother would do something he called "taking it back". He would go to wherever the source of the trigger was and find a reason to have it not be about his wh0re wife; be it a new happy memory at a restaurant, or a way to make the trigger not about her.
> 
> I understand that many of you women don't want to necessarily have a positive memory for a massage parlor that offers "happy endings" or a strip club, and I don't blame you, but maybe you could find a way for it to not be about your unfaithful men.


:iagree:

My husband went to meet a 'model' at a local hotel. So I booked us a room for three nights of sex there. I didn't tell him I was doing it and 'kidnapped' him and took him there.

He also got a blow job from a hooker, so I took it upon myself to learn how to give the worlds greatest blow jobs.

I did both of these things ONLY after about two years of R, and him exhibiting true remorse.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Hope, you should probably expect to receive a ton of PMs w/ from married men begging you to call their wives.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

*Re: Re: How do you deal with the physical reminders?*



GusPolinski said:


> Well the good news is that there should be tons of job training options open to you. And what about counseling through the VA?
> 
> To what location are you moving?


I'm going to Tennessee. I have 6 months of medical once I'm out but not sure exactly what all I'm entitled to. I will hopefully find out at my out processing briefing. Unfortunately dealing with the VA is a pain and a very slow process. But I'll see what I can do. I'm nowhere near ready to give up counseling.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

*Re: Re: How do you deal with the physical reminders?*



Retribution said:


> My brother would do something he called "taking it back". He would go to wherever the source of the trigger was and find a reason to have it not be about his wh0re wife; be it a new happy memory at a restaurant, or a way to make the trigger not about her.
> 
> I understand that many of you women don't want to necessarily have a positive memory for a massage parlor that offers "happy endings" or a strip club, and I don't blame you, but maybe you could find a way for it to not be about your unfaithful men.


Not happening. If it was a restaurant or a hotel maybe but a massage parlor? I don't even go to those so I can't create a positive memory. I don't even like the word "massage" anymore.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

SepticChange said:


> Not happening. If it was a restaurant or a hotel maybe but a massage parlor? I don't even go to those so I can't create a positive memory. I don't even like the word "massage" anymore.


Wait a while. It's actually a recognized form of treatment

Exposure therapy - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Book yourself a massage at a legitimate place.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

*Re: Re: How do you deal with the physical reminders?*



Hope1964 said:


> Book yourself a massage at a legitimate place.


Maybe later on down the road. I can't right now. Even the "legitimate" ones did favors.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Tell him as penence and to help you get over it, he needs to book you a massage per week at 12 different spas over 12 weeks. And he has to come hold your hand as you walk in, then sit in the room and hold your purse for you as Hans gives you a deep tissue massage. Legit one, no happy ending. 

He will start to hate massage parlors and you will get over your anxiety through the exposure therapy.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

SepticChange said:


> I'm going to Tennessee. I have 6 months of medical once I'm out but not sure exactly what all I'm entitled to. I will hopefully find out at my out processing briefing. Unfortunately dealing with the VA is a pain and a very slow process. But I'll see what I can do. I'm nowhere near ready to give up counseling.


TN is a lovely state, especially eastern TN, and especially Sevierville/Pigeon Forge/Gatlinburg area. But I'm sure that you know this.

What sort of work are you looking to pursue?


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

*Re: Re: How do you deal with the physical reminders?*



Acoa said:


> Tell him as penence and to help you get over it, he needs to book you a massage per week at 12 different spas over 12 weeks. And he has to come hold your hand as you walk in, then sit in the room and hold your purse for you as Hans gives you a deep tissue massage. Legit one, no happy ending.
> 
> He will start to hate massage parlors and you will get over your anxiety through the exposure therapy.


We're already divorced and not reconciling. I'm going through this on my own.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

*Re: Re: How do you deal with the physical reminders?*



GusPolinski said:


> TN is a lovely state, especially eastern TN, and especially Sevierville/Pigeon Forge/Gatlinburg area. But I'm sure that you know this.
> 
> What sort of work are you looking to pursue?


Anything to pay the bills till I finish school..


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

SepticChange said:


> Anything to pay the bills till I finish school..


Smart gal!  Stay focused on your future - TN (I love TN!!!), school, new job, new life, new career eventually. Stay busy -- that's what's helped me the most.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

*Re: Re: How do you deal with the physical reminders?*



dignityhonorpride said:


> Smart gal!  Stay focused on your future - TN (I love TN!!!), school, new job, new life, new career eventually. Stay busy -- that's what's helped me the most.


I never did like being busy but hopefully I will find work that will keep me going all day--unlike the slow, monotonous job I do now. Gave me so many opportunities to break down at my desk. Anyway, thanks for the encouragement. One day I will wake up and be just fine and have let it go. Hopefully he will not contact me again for some sort of reconciliation.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

SepticChange said:


> I never did like being busy but hopefully I will find work that will keep me going all day--unlike the slow, monotonous job I do now. Gave me so many opportunities to break down at my desk. Anyway, thanks for the encouragement. One day I will wake up and be just fine and have let it go. Hopefully he will not contact me again for some sort of reconciliation.


You've already blocked his number, right? Now have your number changed, get new e-mail addresses, new social media accounts (and block him on the new accounts), etc.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

I will get a new number. As far as everything else I won't change just for him. I'll simply keep him blocked.


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