# Having issues with my husband and need advice



## ram2000 (Dec 24, 2012)

Hi everyone,

I just found this forum and am in need of some advice. I hope I'm posting this in the right place. I apologize in advance for this being a really long post. I just want to share all of the details of the issues that I've been having with my husband for the past year.

My husband and I have been together for a total of 13 years and married for 2, but we've always lived together. Over the past year, my husband has changed, and NOT for the better. I sometimes feel like I don't even know him anymore. It all started a little over a year ago, when my husband left home and was gone for 4 or 5 weeks. He left with absolutely no warning whatsoever. He just suddenly didn't come home from work one night. He had never, never, never done anything even remotely like that before. He has always been such a good husband and a good finace before we got married. I always felt so incredibly lucky to have him. When he left, he treated me HORRIBLY. He would call me awful names, swear at me, yell at me, blame him being unhappy on me, even though I did absolutely nothing wrong. (I honestly would admit if I had done something to upset him so much.) He had NEVER done this before. When he came home to get his things, he wouldn't even let me get near him. None of this made any sense. It all came right out of left field. Everything had been totally fine with us. Well, to make a long story short, he didn't come home for a little over a month and was renting a room from a coworker. I was absolutely devastated and lost so much weight because I was so upset that I lost my appetite and could barely sleep at night. I also work from home and was hardly able to concentrate on my work because of what was going on. He literally left me to pay the mortgage and all of our other bills on my own and took off with our only vehicle (that we had just bought a few months earlier), so I had to go out and purchase a new vehicle for myself. At first I thought maybe he was cheating on me, but I later found out that he was into drugs, which would explain his sudden change in behavior and the way he started treating me. He became friends with some coworkers who loved to party and were into some pretty bad things. I was beyond shocked. He would be the last person on the face of this earth I would expect to do drugs. He is a healthcare professional and is an overall very smart guy, so I thought he would know better! I still can't believe it to this day, and it's been a year. 

After he moved back home after being gone for a month, he just seemed different. At the time, I couldn't pinpoint what it was, but something just wasn't right about him. Something was definitely off. After he came home, there were several times when he would go out late at night and wouldn't come home for anywhere from several hours to a couple of days and I wouldn't be able to get in touch with him because he would totally ignore my phone calls and text messages until he was ready to come home. Before all of this happened, he NEVER used to go out and we always did everything together, so none of this behavior made any sense. He never even invited me to go out with him. This went on for a a few months. He literally put me through hell. I would be sitting at home alone crying and not knowing where he was or if he was okay and in a total panic because I couldn't get in touch with him. I love my husband with all my heart and I have never imagined my life without him. He is 10 years older than me (I've been with him since I was 18) and we always had the best, most solid relationship and I never ever had any reasons not to trust him until this whole situation started. We almost never even used to argue. 

Just this past April, my husband ended up getting laid off from his job of 6 years at a psychiatric hospital, and that is when things actually got better with us. He stopped taking off and he started acting more like his old, normal self. I was so happy that things were finally getting back to normal and was ready to get on with our lives. 

Things were great with us from the time he got laid off in April until this past August, which is when he started acting strangely again. One morning in August, I woke up and he wasn't home. The truck was gone and so was he. I tried calling and texting him, but no answer. I had absolutely no idea where he was as he hadn't told me that he was going anywhere like he always does. It was like he had snuck out of the house while I was still asleep. He didn't even leave a note. He ALWAYS would tell me when he was going somewhere and has always answered my phone calls and would always respond to text messages quickly. He was gone for about 3-4 hours and then he showed up at home. I'll admit that I was pretty ticked off and met him at the door demanding answers from him. He really didn't have any and had kind of a blank look on his face and didn't have too much to say. I went off on him and he didn't say anything at all...no explanation. 

A couple of weeks following that, he told me that he was going out to run some errands (he told me all of the places he was going) and said that would be home shortly. Well, "shortly" turned into him being gone from about 11 in the morning until close to 9 at night. During that entire time, he once again totally ignored all of my phone calls and text messages. I once again had NO clue where he was or what he was doing. When he got home, we got into this big fight and he tried to turn everything around on me, trying to make everything my fault, saying that he doesn't have any freedom and never gets time to himself, that I'm too "controlling", and NONE of that is true. I told him that I have absolutely no problem with him going out and having time to himself because I need that as well. We all need alone time. I told him what I DO have a problem with is him being gone literally all day long and refusing to communicate with me whatsoever, leaving me at home worried sick to my stomach. Relationships need communication, and I told him how disrespectful and selfish he was being. He didn't have much to say about that. I think he knew I was right and he didn't have a leg to stand on in this argument. I just knew in the back of my mind that he was probably into drugs again (bath salts). He was losing so much weight and there were several occasions when he would start sweating profusely for no apparent reason. I had a gut feeling that he was back into the the drugs, but of course he would NEVER admit it to anyone and continued to lie about it. 

Ever since those incidents last summer, there have been several times when he would go out and everything would be normal and he would be calling and texting me, and then suddenly the communication will stop and I won't hear from him for an hour or two. Back in October, there was an incident where he quit his brand new job and took off for 3 days. I had no idea where he was for those 3 days. He then ended up being admitted to the hospital with severe chest pains and was on the cardiac unit for 2 or 3 days. Of course, my first thought was that it was drug-related. When he came home from the hospital, he didn't have any of his discharge paperwork with him, which was very strange. When I asked him where it was, he claimed he didn't know....right. 

A couple of months ago, I signed up for GPS locator services on our cell phones and I have discovered the approximate address of where he goes whenever he starts ignoring me while he's out. It's a residential neighborhood, so he's obvious at someone's home during these times when he cuts off all communication with me. I don't know if it's a drug dealer's house or not, but I suspect that it probably has something to do with that. In fact, a couple of weeks ago, I was going through some old photos in our basement and I found an empty package that turned out to be from bath salts. My heart totally sank when I saw that. I confronted him about it and he denied all over the place that it was his and claimed that he had no idea where it came from. He must think I'm an idiot. He and I are the only ones who have been in our basement, and it sure as hell wasn't from me!!!! I can't stand drugs, especially bath salts. I personally don't even drink or smoke, never have, and my husband knows how I feel about drugs and the people who use and abuse them. He won't admit to anyone that he's doing them, even though the evidence is all over the place and it's as clear as day. In fact, I was using his computer real quickly to look something up the other day and in his Google search history was "legal bath salts for sale." I've heard him deny it to his brother as well as several of our friends who know about it. 

There is one other big issue that is really, really bothering me. Ever since my husband got laid off about 8 months ago, he has NOT been able to keep a job. He gets jobs and quits them within a week to a month of starting them. He NEVER used to be like this. During the 13 years we've been together, he has always worked and has always had the best work ethic. He would never even call out sick. There have been times when I've had to basically make him call out when he was really truly sick and could barely even get out of bed. Otherwise, he would have gone to work anyway! He was always a workaholic like me, so this is very new behavior for him. He has quit some very good paying jobs because he claims that he "physically can't do this type of work anymore." He is a nurse, and these have all been nursing jobs that he has quit. My husband is a diabetic and gets neuropathy pain in his legs, but he also stopped taking his insulin over a year ago and has been into the bath salts, so that's definitely not helping his case. As I said, he got laid off last April and was on unemployment benefits until early to mid-August, when he finally found a decent job and ended up quitting within a couple of weeks or so. Since that time, he has quit 4 different jobs, putting all of our financial obligations on my shoulders. He quit his last one about 2 weeks ago. He just walked off the job and came home. Of course, that caused a huge argument between us. I make good money, but not enough to support both of us and pay our mortgage, car payment, and all of the other bills that come with owning a house! I'm totally stressed to the max and I find myself crying a lot, and it usually takes a lot to make me cry. What REALLY ticks me off is that whenever we're having financial problems, he blames it on ME, even though I've been the one who has always been working, sometimes 50-60 hours a week, and he hasn't held a steady job in 8 months! He constantly complains about how expensive things are and tells me that I spend too much money. The only money I've been spending is to pay as many of our bills as I can and put food on the table! I never go anywhere or do anything. All I do is stay home and work.

He just got yet another job that he starts the first week of the year. It's not a nursing job and he seems pretty excited about it, so I'm hopeful, but still very skeptical because of his history of getting jobs and then quitting them over the past several months. We're fighting so much and it's putting such a huge strain on our relationship. I still love my husband with all my heart and I don't want to be with anybody else, but I don't know what to do. I'm so mentally and emotionally drained from all of the events over the past year. I keep worrying that he's never going to be able to keep a job now and I worry every single time he leaves the house that he's going to take off again, and then he gets mad at me for not "trusting him". It's his own fault that I don't trust him anymore! This is all a direct result of his choices and actions over the last 12-13 months. I hate living like this. We used to have such a normal life and it's turned into chaos. I do NOT trust him anymore and it's going to take a long time for him to prove to me that I can start to trust him again, and that breaks my heart. Trust is so important in any relationship any my trust for him has been totally broken because of what he has done. My heart is broken. I wish I could just "fix" things, but I know I can't. He has always been my best friend, my soulmate, my rock, and now I feel so alone. Every time I think things are getting better, he starts acting out again. I guess I just need some advice on how to handle this. I want my husband back...the old him....the loving, caring, honest, supportive, hard working, funny him. 

Again, I'm so sorry for the novel of a post!


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## debster (Dec 17, 2012)

I'm sorry, I don't have any experience with this. Just wanted to let you know I read your note and feel your pain. Perhaps starting with Al-Anon may help you. Merry Christmas {hugs}


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## dadda11o (Jan 6, 2011)

Ram2000, you say he is a nurse? If he is having substance related issues, you might be able to get some help through the state, although it is hard to say what the outcome would be. I know most (pretty sure all) states have an "impairment program" for nurses affected by substance issues. Nurses can self report or they might be reported by facility, etc. Technically, anyone who has a valid concern about the nurse's clinical judgment, etc being impaired (and could obviously end up harming patients) can report. It's a "good faith" issue. However, if he is having any contact with patients that might be affected by his substance issues, he is potentially setting himself up for some possibly major problems, legally and financially, at some point in the future. 

You might try getting hold of the state Board of Nursing where you are, or go to their website. You should be able to at least get some general information about the impairment program in your state. It's a pretty common problem for many health care professionals; if he can get into (forced per Board if a report investigation indicates problems or voluntarily) treatment earlier, he is likely to have fewer problems overall. 

There are also support groups JUST FOR the impaired nurses (at least in my state; although I'm sure elsewhere) and once a person is serious about recovery, it can be a great place for not only working through issues with peer support, but also for networking and getting back into the field, often with less temptation, too. 

Al-anon or a similar group or some sort of support for you would be extremely helpful as well, especially as he is not in treatment. You need to be able to keep your head on straight (as much as possible) and keep yourself safe, sane and sound. Addiction turns people's heads toward things they'd not consider otherwise; there may be steps you want/need to take to protect your legal and financial interests and possibly, safety. 

And as for your (long) post, you've a kindred spirit here . Sometimes shorter posts get more replies, as they are easier to work through (for the reader), but sometimes, you just need to get it out there and out of you. 

I'm no expert in the field of addiction, but the main thing I know is that there is pretty much NOTHING you can do or quit doing that is going to change him. There may be some things that you can set in motion (or eventually, his own actions will) that might force him more or less to face himself. But even then, until the pain and losses from addiction are too high (or worse), it's on him to face it and start toward recovery. In the meantime, you are going to need to take (good) care of yourself and your interests. Some of that can involve actions that are hard or feel unnecessarily cruel. I would just encourage you to start getting some knowledgeable support that can help you understand and get through.


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

The next time he disappears, whether it's a woman or drugs, put his sh!t on the curb and change the locks. Stop making excuses for him because apparently he is "that kind of man" and you deserve better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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