# Who here has cheated?



## gyspy14 (Feb 16, 2016)

Without getting rude and hateful on each other... has anyone HERE cheating on their spouse?

Why? What was the thought process behind it?


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

I cheated on every girlfriend I had. 

I was a kid and was always looking for the bigger better deal. Not the nicest guy. Kind of surly and oozed a low level of menace, I've been told. That's the beat why I can come up with 

I found the best one in my wife, haven't cheated on her.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

You'll probably have more luck at either LS or SI.

Just remember to be polite. After all, the waywards over there (at either site, TBH) are pretty sensitive.

:lol: :rofl:


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

I haven't but I can tell you why in one sentence.

Because they are selfish and the opportunity presented itself.

Every cheater story on TAM has these two components.

Everything else is filler and excuses.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

BetrayedDad said:


> I haven't but I can tell you why in one sentence.
> 
> Because they are selfish and the opportunity presented itself.
> 
> ...


I think bulls#1t is the word your looking for.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

There are a few here that admit it and a few who don't but mostly the folks here have been cheated or have other marital issues.

If you read enough threads, you will find out a lot.

Easier to go to them than have them come here, probably.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

gyspy14 said:


> Without getting rude and hateful on each other... has anyone HERE cheating on their spouse?
> 
> Why? What was the thought process behind it?





gyspy14 said:


> *Sexless marriage, disinterested husband*
> I have been married for 2 years, but living together for 5 years. We have 2 young children; ages 3 & 2.
> 
> When I met my H, he was outgoing and social; like me. We both enjoyed (or so it seemed) to go out, party, volunteer, etc. We got pregnant after a year of living together and married a year after that.
> ...


Your H is depressed and spiraling down. He is just a paycheck at this point and you are raising your kids basically alone. You are craving a man's attention, and as you've already 'kissed' another, you know it won't take much to push you over that line again.

Do yourself and your H a favor and divorce him. If you don't, you'll cheat, and start to beat yourself up and devalue yourself as a human being. 

It's also quite possible that losing you and breaking up of the family will be the kick in the ass your H needs to get real help with his depression. Therapy is much more important than medication. The meds help you cope as you dive into the self work. It's a painful process, and one he needs to take. But you can't make him take it. 

All you can do is not lose yourself holding on to hope that he'll change. Make a change for yourself.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Tell your H to get help and start treating you like a virgin being ravaged by a hun or you are going to divorce him.

YOU NEED SEX AND AFFECTION!

Look up threads and posts by a woman called @EI

You sound a lot like her before or right at the time she started cheating and seriously crapped on an already crappie situation.

She would do anything to take it back and regrets it immensely.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

I did and he did (before our first born child and before marriage). We were selfish and had no respect for one another. I was young minded and deserved better from the beginning (in our relationship). He fortunately grew up in many ways after our daughter was born. We still have communication issues but we are together and worked through the problems.

Would I cheat now? No. If I ever got to that point, I would file for a divorce. I make decisions based on how it will affect my children and our family. If he cheated, I wouldn't be able to heal again from it. Our cheating created trust issues that lasted years before those walls finally broke down and having the trust rebuilt. I wouldn't take those many years to rebuild from healing again. It was a painful process.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

gyspy14 said:


> Without getting rude and hateful on each other... has anyone HERE cheating on their spouse?
> 
> Why? What was the thought process behind it?


Yes, I cheated on my husband after 27 years of marriage. My thought process was that I had begged, pleaded, demanded and threatened my husband that if he didn't step up to the plate, and start working with me to improve the state of our marriage, and our lives in general, that I would divorce him in approximately two years, when our youngest son graduated from high school. After trying in vain, for several years, to fix our marriage, all by myself, only to be met with increasing ambivalence, and eventual hostility, I eventually lost all of my love and respect for him. At that point, I no longer cared about him, or about improving the state of our marriage. I became very selfish and chose to focus on my own happiness, instead. 

I did tell my husband in January, 2011, that I was finished trying to repair our marriage. I told him that I would be divorcing him in 2013, but in the meantime, if an opportunity for love came my way, I would not turn it down. He "listened" to that with about the same interest as he had everything else I had been saying for the last several years. I had already moved out of our bedroom, as he had effectively shut down any intimacy between us long before. We no longer talked about anything except finances and our children. I remained Mom to our children, and housewife, and I continued handling every other responsibility and obligation that I had always taken care of before. Honestly, nothing truly changed, at home, except that I did find someone else, although I didn't advertise it. It took my husband about 15 months to really notice or care that anything had changed.

In June this year, we will be 4 years into what can only be considered a miracle of a reconciliation. It's a miracle, not because we actually stayed married, lots of people stay in horrible marriages, even marriages that have been annihilated by infidelity, it's a miracle because we truly reconciled our love, our lives, and our commitment.

Today, we are more in love than ever before, despite a still very challenging life. We both owned all of our own shortcomings and failures, and we both worked very hard to help ourselves and one another heal from the disaster that our marriage and our lives had become. We still do the same today. It just doesn't feel like "work" anymore. It feels like being happily married.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Tell your H to get help and start treating you like a virgin being ravaged by a hun or you are going to divorce him.
> 
> YOU NEED SEX AND AFFECTION!
> 
> ...



I must have been typing my comment just as you were posting yours.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

@gyspy14 ,
Now I understand why you are asking. I'm willing to share the experience of my one sided (I think) emotional affair. I think it parallels your situation pretty well. I'm not to interested in making the details public. I'm OK with it being known that in my mind, I wished for it. My BS justification for my pursuit of a new relationship was the decline of intimacy (sexual and emotional) in my marriage. Like you I wanted to be in love again. It ended when I confessed to my wife. She decided I was worth keeping. I'm not sure I deserved that.


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

I cheated-the thought process was something like…I think I need more from my marriage, I am lonely, I beg and plead for H to work on our relationship- he is oblivious and thinks I'm overly dramatic/emotional-

I see new guy at work, he's cute, he pays attention to me and writes me little notes. I know where this is going. I am selfish and immature. I think I deserve this attention and enjoy being pursued. I think that we are great companions, we just "get" each other so beautifully. Special little snowflakes as someone on here has put it. I have an A and seriously feel like my life would be perfect if I could just have H and OM both. I realize what I am doing has to stop and pull myself out of the fog somehow-and end it but don't tell H for 25 years.

DON'T DO IT!!!!!!!!!! It ruined my self esteem. It made my marriage more difficult to work on carrying around a secret like that. I felt I didn't deserve to be happy….I felt like a POSWW. If I was to do it over again I would have insisted H go to counselling and if that didn't work initiate a separation. Everyone deserves the choice of whether or not they stay in the marriage after the cheating. I didn't give my H that until now.

I'm hoping for an ending like EI.  We will see….


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I did.

Why?

Because I was a selfish delusional c*nt who only thought about my own happiness in the moment.

I could give you all the "whys" but the only why that matters is that at the time, I only valued myself and not my vows.

The end.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Me. It was a stupid drunken revenge affair.

A female friend from a hobby group became a drinking friend and we were both damaged enough to be sinking too much booze.

One thing led to another and just before the moment of unprotected PIV sex I suddenly saw an image of my wife's face and then the fog was blasted away in an instant.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

gyspy14 said:


> Without getting rude and hateful on each other... has anyone HERE cheating on their spouse?
> 
> Why? What was the thought process behind it?


does polyamory count? do i get a point each way?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

LosingHim said:


> I did.
> 
> Why?
> 
> ...


You're not a c*nt, but it's refreshing to read of someone not blaming their marriage or spouse for their own bad choices. ((hug))


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

*Deidre* said:


> You're not a c*nt, but it's refreshing to read of someone not blaming their marriage or spouse for their own bad choices. ((hug))


Correction.....I'm NO LONGER a c*nt. During that time of my life, I most certainly was. 


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I cheated in my first marriage. Why? Long story, but I married him because we were casual sex partners and I got pregnant. I wasn't in love with him, I didn't like him much as a person, and I wasn't attracted to him. I was desperate for physical and mental stimulation. I didn't feel I owed him anything, the marriage was a sham, so I didn't deny myself sex and companionship.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

MJJEAN said:


> I cheated in my first marriage. Why? Long story, but I married him because we were casual sex partners and I got pregnant. I wasn't in love with him, I didn't like him much as a person, and I wasn't attracted to him. I was desperate for physical and mental stimulation. I didn't feel I owed him anything, the marriage was a sham, so I didn't deny myself sex and companionship.


So he was good with that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

I have never cheated on anyone, ever.

But I have these nightmares where in the nightmare I've had sex with someone and then suddenly remember I'm married, and I'm thinking - Oh my God, what have I done? It's HORRIBLE. Mind you I never get to actually HAVE the sex in my dream! Rather, just the guilt of knowing that I did. A lot of times the person I dream I cheated with is not even that attractive to me, I have no idea why I had sex with them, I just am sick to my stomach thinking I just did something I can never undo and for what? It's always a relief to wake up.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> So he was good with that?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes and no.

I didn't lie or hide my activities. He'd alternate between acting like he was just fine to being a total Drama Queen, depending on what was going on in his life.

For example, when I was seeing a man we'll call D, I was planning to stay for the weekend, my exH asked to use the car since he had plans, too. So, he drove me to D's house and dropped me off. At the time, he was screwing a married couple from his work.

When I was seeing J, exH wasn't having any luck around then, I said I was going to J's house for dinner and study time (I was trying to get a degree so I could leave), exH flipped out.

If he wanted to appear "cool" and "progressive" to a certain crowd at a goth club we went to (hey, it was the 90's), he didn't care a bit what I did or with who. 

If he wanted sympathy and maybe into the panties of the vanilla people we knew, I was a horrible, cheatin, lyin, wh0re.

I'd have been content with being friendly and an agreement that we live our separate personal lives until the kids were old enough to understand a divorce, but he just wouldn't have that conversation. Live it every day? Sure. Talk about it and come to an understandin like a grown up? Heck, no!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

MJJEAN said:


> Yes and no.
> 
> I didn't lie or hide my activities. He'd alternate between acting like he was just fine to being a total Drama Queen, depending on what was going on in his life.
> 
> ...


I was thinking something along those lines.

How would you say the you today compares with the you back then.

Have your values changed? If so how and why?

I can hazard guesses but really like the insight.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Let me just start out by saying that I have never cheated on a spouse nor any woman that I have willingly chosen to enter into a relationship with ~ I just don't think that I have it within my psychological or physiological makeup! And for that, I'd like to offer all of the glory of such to my Heavenly Father!

That being said, when I first entered these TAM portals a few years hence, as a twice-affected victim of covert infidelity, I came here thinking that anybody who would be low enough to brazenly and unconsciably cheat on a spouse, who they had professed their holy and heartfelt vows before, was nothing more than sheer scum of the earth!

But after having read some of the heart wrenching stories of some of my "cheating brethren," who after having gone into the valley of infidelity's abject depravity, then sought out remorse, contrition, and loving forgiveness from both God and their spouse; and then subsequently sought out reconciliation, knowing full well that there is absolutely no measured guarantee of success, those folks have my utmost respect!

It is those deceptive, denying, self-serving ones that I have absolutely no respect for ~ as I guess that that element foremostly represents the two women who unflinchingly and unremorsefully chose to end my marriages to them, by cheating, and then living in complete denial about it ~ not only to themselves, but to their family, to their community, but more importantly to God, who loves them far more than they love Him!

But as I've so eloquently penned here on countless occasions, it is my duty to offer them my heartfelt foregiveness for their covert transgressions against me, but by the same token, it is a duty unto myself to always remember what it was that so wittingly happened to me, so that it might never possibly happen to me, ever again! *
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

WorkingWife said:


> I have never cheated on anyone, ever.
> 
> But I have these nightmares where in the nightmare I've had sex with someone and then suddenly remember I'm married, and I'm thinking - Oh my God, what have I done? It's HORRIBLE. Mind you I never get to actually HAVE the sex in my dream! Rather, just the guilt of knowing that I did. A lot of times the person I dream I cheated with is not even that attractive to me, I have no idea why I had sex with them, I just am sick to my stomach thinking I just did something I can never undo and for what? It's always a relief to wake up.


You must be spending too much time on TAM :wink2:


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## gyspy14 (Feb 16, 2016)

Acoa said:


> Your H is depressed and spiraling down. He is just a paycheck at this point and you are raising your kids basically alone. You are craving a man's attention, and as you've already 'kissed' another, you know it won't take much to push you over that line again.
> 
> Do yourself and your H a favor and divorce him. If you don't, you'll cheat, and start to beat yourself up and devalue yourself as a human being.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for putting it all together; I am definitely panicking inside and have no idea where to turn or what to do. My husband is depressed... and I've threatened to leave before in order to encourage him to get help. He's on meds, but no therapy; which he refuses. I started going on my own just to try to figure my own thoughts now.

I feel trapped inside his head and world and I can't even figure out if HE'S depressed... or I am. I just want to be free... but I'm SO scared of how this will effect him. He is, after all, the father of my children... and I want him to keep himself together for our kids who just ADORE him.

I honestly started crying when I read your post.. and than I snuggled in bed with my daughter and slept for 11 hours. (lol)

H got fired from his job 2 days ago... sigh.. so now I don't feel I can leave him. He'll have NOTHING. That will break him and I can't do that. Now he's talking about being a stay at home dad.

I know I shouldn't cheat; and I don't want to.. but I think about it all the time.. 

Thanks again for your post. This has been a long road... and I'm tired of the views. I'm in therapy.. I'm trying to focus on myself and my kids.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

very topical subject in U.K. at minute

Mental illness shouldn't be stigmatized different than physical illness

Why would a partner leave a person who comes down with a physical illness when they supposedly married them for better or worse.

*I really don't know your own particular story Gypsy so I can not comment in your situation* but at the moment in the U.K. we let down 
people here terribly over decades through neglect as we have treated metal illness not in the same priority as physical illness BUT we 
are now trying to bring parity

How can leaving someone in depression move them to help them selves ?

When your in despair the only way to go when a problem hits is down


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## gyspy14 (Feb 16, 2016)

EI said:


> Yes, I cheated on my husband after 27 years of marriage. My thought process was that I had begged, pleaded, demanded and threatened my husband that if he didn't step up to the plate, and start working with me to improve the state of our marriage, and our lives in general, that I would divorce him in approximately two years, when our youngest son graduated from high school. After trying in vain, for several years, to fix our marriage, all by myself, only to be met with increasing ambivalence, and eventual hostility, I eventually lost all of my love and respect for him. At that point, I no longer cared about him, or about improving the state of our marriage. I became very selfish and chose to focus on my own happiness, instead.
> .


Thank you for sharing this with me. I feel in a similar place right now.. the only difference is that when I talk about leaving, or separating, he gets very emotional and sobs like a baby. It's very difficult to have a mature, grown up conversation with him. He cried and tells me how much he loves me and needs me... he knows my heart is too soft for that kind of thing.
Sometimes I feel like he chose me on purpose because he knew he could manipulate my heart that way.
I don't want to hurt him.. I would be attracted to him if he took a stand and made things happen; but he doesn't.
He just whines and cries and uses guilt. He's definitely the passive aggressive type.
If I do something he doesn't like, he'll pretend he's okay... and than bring it up days later, upset. It seems unfair. I'm constantly guessing.

Anyway.. I digress. haha. I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your experience with me.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

gyspy14 said:


> Thank you so much for putting it all together; I am definitely panicking inside and have no idea where to turn or what to do. My husband is depressed... and I've threatened to leave before in order to encourage him to get help. He's on meds, but no therapy; which he refuses. I started going on my own just to try to figure my own thoughts now.
> 
> I feel trapped inside his head and world and I can't even figure out if HE'S depressed... or I am. I just want to be free... but I'm SO scared of how this will effect him. He is, after all, the father of my children... and I want him to keep himself together for our kids who just ADORE him.
> 
> ...


*For as long as you're doing this for both your H's and your kids benefit, but foremostly theirs; and you remain true and faithful to your marriage vows to him, then you are indeed an admirable lady!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> *For as long as you're doing this for both your H's and your kids benefit, and foremostly theirs, and you remain faithful to your marriage vows to him, then you are indeed an admirable lady!*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:


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## gyspy14 (Feb 16, 2016)

G.J. said:


> very topical subject in U.K. at minute
> 
> Mental illness shouldn't be stigmatized different than physical illness
> 
> ...



I totally understand where you're coming from; and I agree to a certain extent. I've been fighting my husbands illness for the past 5 years so I am not new to the scene. It's hard and exhausting. 

The reason we (people married to depressives) sometimes HAVE to threaten to leave is because depressives do not think about other people around them being effected by their sickness. They don't think about how WE are neglected and mistreated and often, abused verbally, emotionally, and physically due to their illness.

Sometimes, when they are down right refusing to get help (and there IS help out there) when we put our hands up and call it quits, it is the wake up call they need to realize how THEY are hurting US by not getting help.

People with depression often don't see a way out... and serving the solution on a silver platter, right to their bedside, isn't enough sometimes. Trust me.. no matter how EASY you make it for them to get help... if they don't WANT it... they won't take it. You need to make them WANT it. And as long as you putting up with the neglect and rude and mean spirited behaviours... and serve them dinner in bed and wipe their tears... they won't WANT it.

Sometimes you have to show them what they will lose if they don't want it.. and that, hopefully, scares them enough to WANT to get better... and get treatment.

Many times, after an event like this, depressives get help in order to keep their family together.. and THEY get better and are able to enjoy life fully and completely.

THIS IS SOO MUCH EASIER said than done. There are also cases where wives and husbands threaten to leave, and the depressive lets them go and the whole plan back fires. The family is broken.

It's not easy for ANYONE involved.

.....I've read A LOT of books on this subject (lol) .. one day at a time.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

There are no easy answers to a lot of problems we encounter in marriage....that's why they stuck in 'in sickness and in health' I guess....

How ever the one I try to live by is to be treat my wife as I would expect her to treat me so it always boils down to the individual

Only you will ultimately decide the course of action you take after considering the guidance you will have sort from professionals

Wishing you the best with your husband........ things can and do get better


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Better to leave than cheat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Better to leave than cheat.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Imagine how empty these forums would be if we adhered to this...that's a move closer to heaven :birthday:


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

gyspy14 said:


> when I talk about leaving, or separating, he gets very emotional and sobs like a baby. It's very difficult to have a mature, grown up conversation with him. He cried and tells me how much he loves me and needs me... he knows my heart is too soft for that kind of thing.
> Sometimes I feel like he chose me on purpose because he knew he could manipulate my heart that way.
> I don't want to hurt him.. I would be attracted to him if he took a stand and made things happen; but he doesn't.
> He just whines and cries and uses guilt. He's definitely the passive aggressive type.
> If I do something he doesn't like, he'll pretend he's okay... and than bring it up days later, upset. It seems unfair. I'm constantly guessing.


Don't be afraid to push him. If you can, get someone to watch the kids, and to be on standby in case pushing him past the sobbing turns to aggression (it can, so beware). Then tell him everything you just pointed out above. Tell him the man you fell in love with is lost and needs help. Help you can't give him. 

He has turned into another child for you to care for, not the strong loving husband you need and fell in love with. It sounds like you are willing to be patient and kind to him, which is good. But stand your ground and don't enable him. Be the man, so to speak, for a while. But make it clear it's not a role you care for permanently.

Don't threaten to leave and not do it. Once threatened and not acted on, it loses power. Set boundaries with clear consequences. Then if he crosses them, let the consequences happen. Don't just draw another line in the sand. The first should be to insist that he get into therapy. Give him a deadline. Figure out what you will do if he doesn't (and assume he won't, so make it something you can follow through on). 

Then guard your heart. Buckle down for the lack of sex and the urges that will come with it. Be beyond reproach in your dealings with the opposite sex. Be clear with all and to yourself that until you give up completely on your H and divorce him, that you'll be faithful. 

Then in the end, if he does respond and get better you have no regrets. And if it ends, you can walk on with your head held high.

It's not an easy path, I pray that God gives you strength to walk it, and that you find peace and happiness sooner than later.


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## roxie1983 (Nov 22, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> I was thinking something along those lines.
> 
> How would you say the you today compares with the you back then.
> 
> ...


Its not "liking the insight" but called "needling someone".

As soon as you heard a woman admitting to some bad decisions in her younger days, like all the insufferable bullying males here, felt the right to pinch her and make her defend herself when she owes you nothing.

Her biggest mistake was marrying someone she did not respect and was not respected and loved herself from the ex. She left. She is married her husband now and has been faithful to him ever since.

So who the **** do you think you are that she needs to explain yo you how has she changed herself?
@MJJEAN.....I urge you not to answer any question as to what happened in you past. They don't want answers. They just want to witch burn.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

roxie1983 said:


> like all the insufferable bullying males here,.


:allhail:
:soapbox:


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

gyspy14 said:


> Without getting rude and hateful on each other... has anyone HERE cheating on their spouse?
> 
> Why? What was the thought process behind it?


Some here would say I cheated on my H but I don't think I did technically, but I was damn close to that fine line. In 2014 (as it turns out I was in a manic high) I had a couple of interactions with men who I found attractive and was surprised by my behaviour... they seemed attracted to me, and normally I would shut it down and not engage with it at all, and i would not be tempted either, but for whatever reason, this time i was different, and entertained the idea in my mind. Nothing came of either of those situations, but it seemed to set something in motion in my mind, and the following week, I contacted a guy on Craigslist who was seeking an encounter. Again, out of character for me. We did not meet in the end as I chose not to go ahead. Never sent him sexy photos, sext messages, never met up, that was the end of that... but I know the fact i came that close... i know if it was my H i would want him to tell me, and i went to tell H and told him the first two things and backed out on the last thing because i found it too hard, but it was a wake up call for sure because i was in this tunnel vision mode where i just wasn't thinking and wasn't considering the consequences, and telling H about even some of it showed me how hard it would be if i ever did go ahead with that and having to tell him or live with it knowing he would find out anyway... 

I was really confused at the time, but when my meds were tweaked, the issue seemed to resolve itself relatively quickly.

In the only past relationship i have had (considering long term relationships) i cheated on the guy I was with. He also cheated on me. The relationship was quite unhealthy and we each were in a bad place in life. I was consumed with guilt over what i did and went into a severe depression. I came clean about some of it after we broke up. He told me about one thing, but only because i caught him out and he only confessed to the minimum (said they kissed) but i know that more would have gone on for sure.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

roxie1983 said:


> Its not "liking the insight" but called "needling someone".
> 
> As soon as you heard a woman admitting to some bad decisions in her younger days, like all the insufferable bullying males here, felt the right to pinch her and make her defend herself when she owes you nothing.
> 
> ...


Well your wrong about me. It is hard to convey intent over an anonymous forum so I left a smiley face.

I actually am interested in how people change and how that came to be.

I actually like several forward waywards here and in real life and I don't play gender favorites.

Sorry I hit a nerve with you as it certainly wasn't my intention.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

I never cheated on either of my XWW's. Obviously, they both did.

However, I did cheat on a couple of girlfriends back when I was in my early 20's. I was young and still on the lookout for my soulmate...Lol! I will never forget the way I felt afterward. It was horrible. I felt like low-life scumbag. I realized that I just wasn't cut out to be a cheater. I just could not compartmentalize what I had done and act like everything was normal when I was around them. I will also never forget the fear I lived with…being found out. There was just too much stress generated by trying to cover my tracks. They never did find out but that didn't make me feel any better about myself and what I had done. I learned a valuable lesson about cheating at a young age and it stayed with me all of these years.


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

QuietSoul said:


> Some here would say I cheated on my H but I don't think I did technically, but I was damn close to that fine line. In 2014 (as it turns out I was in a manic high) I had a couple of interactions with men who I found attractive and was surprised by my behaviour... they seemed attracted to me, and normally I would shut it down and not engage with it at all, and i would not be tempted either, but for whatever reason, this time i was different, and entertained the idea in my mind. Nothing came of either of those situations, but it seemed to set something in motion in my mind, and the following week, I contacted a guy on Craigslist who was seeking an encounter. Again, out of character for me. We did not meet in the end as I chose not to go ahead. Never sent him sexy photos, sext messages, never met up, that was the end of that... but I know the fact i came that close... i know if it was my H i would want him to tell me, and i went to tell H and told him the first two things and backed out on the last thing because i found it too hard, but it was a wake up call for sure because i was in this tunnel vision mode where i just wasn't thinking and wasn't considering the consequences, and telling H about even some of it showed me how hard it would be if i ever did go ahead with that and having to tell him or live with it knowing he would find out anyway...
> 
> *I was really confused at the time, but when my meds were tweaked, the issue seemed to resolve itself relatively quickly.*
> 
> In the only past relationship i have had (considering long term relationships) i cheated on the guy I was with. He also cheated on me. The relationship was quite unhealthy and we each were in a bad place in life. I was consumed with guilt over what i did and went into a severe depression. I came clean about some of it after we broke up. He told me about one thing, but only because i caught him out and he only confessed to the minimum (said they kissed) but i know that more would have gone on for sure.


Thank you for bringing up this point.

There have been several situations on CWI where the wayward spouse had been diagnosed with a manic disorder and the significance of the underlying illness was not given the importance that it deserved.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

QuietSoul said:


> Some here would say I cheated on my H but I don't think I did technically, but I was damn close to that fine line. In 2014 (as it turns out I was in a manic high) I had a couple of interactions with men who I found attractive and was surprised by my behaviour... they seemed attracted to me, and normally I would shut it down and not engage with it at all, and i would not be tempted either, but for whatever reason, this time i was different, and entertained the idea in my mind. Nothing came of either of those situations, but it seemed to set something in motion in my mind, and the following week, I contacted a guy on Craigslist who was seeking an encounter. Again, out of character for me. We did not meet in the end as I chose not to go ahead. Never sent him sexy photos, sext messages, never met up, that was the end of that... but I know the fact i came that close... i know if it was my H i would want him to tell me, and i went to tell H and told him the first two things and backed out on the last thing because i found it too hard, but it was a wake up call for sure because i was in this tunnel vision mode where i just wasn't thinking and wasn't considering the consequences, and telling H about even some of it showed me how hard it would be if i ever did go ahead with that and having to tell him or live with it knowing he would find out anyway...
> 
> I was really confused at the time, but when my meds were tweaked, the issue seemed to resolve itself relatively quickly.
> 
> In the only past relationship i have had (considering long term relationships) i cheated on the guy I was with. He also cheated on me. The relationship was quite unhealthy and we each were in a bad place in life. I was consumed with guilt over what i did and went into a severe depression. I came clean about some of it after we broke up. He told me about one thing, but only because i caught him out and he only confessed to the minimum (said they kissed) but i know that more would have gone on for sure.


What type of medication? I'm seriously concerned about this as this isn't the first time I've heard about lowered inhibitions and faulty decision making on prescription medications.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

roxie1983 said:


> Its not "liking the insight" but called "needling someone".
> 
> As soon as you heard a woman admitting to some bad decisions in her younger days, like all the insufferable bullying males here, felt the right to pinch her and make her defend herself when she owes you nothing.
> 
> ...


LOL... this one again.

How's the divorce going?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> What type of medication? I'm seriously concerned about this as this isn't the first time I've heard about lowered inhibitions and faulty decision making on prescription medications.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I may have misread the post. I read it as the medication adjustment for a manic episode resolved the mania and dissipated the urge to cheat.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

2asdf2 said:


> I may have misread the post. I read it as the medication adjustment for a manic episode resolved the mania and dissipated the urge to cheat.


Yeah. Both topics need to be explored.

I've heard of prescriptions helping some folks into the wrong bed more than once.

Don't know how much stock I put in that but it should be examined.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Yeah. Both topics need to be explored.
> 
> I've heard of prescriptions helping some folks into the wrong bed more than once.
> 
> ...


The anti-anxiety medications -much as alcohol- depress inhibitions.

In the short spell that I took antidepressants I acted in ways that were way outside my normal repertoire. After I stopped the medication, my friend's wife told me she liked me a lot better when I was on antidepressants.:smile2:


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I have cheated. A lot. I've read your other post. I can't recommend that you cheat for two reasons. The first one is its wrong. The second one is that you won't find what you're looking for in an affair anyway. Its fools gold. 

First try to work on things, if that doesn't work consider divorce at that point. Based on my experience flings and affairs start out fun. But at some point they start to eat away at you, then you start to feel empty. Trust me, you'll be hating yourself in no time if you go down that path.

I'll reiterate, its fools gold. I can't speak for anyone else but based on what I've experienced, at first you do pay attention to your AP, text messages etc., but at some point it just devolves into meeting for sex, with very little communication except when and where do we meet for sex next. Often going as long as a month or more in between meetings. Its empty, and nothing like a real relationship. Either work on fixing things or get divorced. You won't find what you need in an affair.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

MJJEAN said:


> I cheated in my first marriage. Why? Long story, but I married him because we were casual sex partners and I got pregnant. I wasn't in love with him, I didn't like him much as a person, and I wasn't attracted to him. I was desperate for physical and mental stimulation. I didn't feel I owed him anything, the marriage was a sham, so I didn't deny myself sex and companionship.


My message option isn't working so just wanted to let you know that my questions were honest and I wasn't trying to needle you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

roxie1983 said:


> Its not "liking the insight" but called "needling someone".
> 
> As soon as you heard a woman admitting to some bad decisions in her younger days, like all the insufferable bullying males here, felt the right to pinch her and make her defend herself when she owes you nothing.
> 
> ...


Also. Mrs. Conan cheated in both her marriages before I met her, they were RA's, and was the OW twice before her marriages.

I've been with her over 24 years and love her very much while somehow avoiding bullying her and treating her like a witch! LOL! 

You should probably read around a little more and stop jumping to wildly inaccurate conclusions. 

The grinning and winking emoticons mean I am not mad at or threatened by your post.

It means I am amused.

I guess getting your meaning across is sometimes difficult.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> My message option isn't working so just wanted to let you know that my questions were honest and *I wasn't trying to needle you.*


Didn't read that way to me, CH. In fact, I didn't detect a hint of anything even remotely resembling "needling" in your discourse w/ @MJJEAN.

And no, she doesn't owe anyone here ANYTHING. Still, she joined the conversation of her own free will and subsequently chose to participate in an open and honest manner. Based on what I've observed this far, this is her usual M.O. Additionally, she's aware of her missteps, has owned them, and has taken plenty of insight from them.

@roxie1983 could learn quite a bit from her example.

*cough* http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/303329-what-do.html


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Well things are suddenly a little clearer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

roxie1983 said:


> Its not "liking the insight" but called "needling someone".
> 
> As soon as you heard a woman admitting to some bad decisions in her younger days, like all the insufferable bullying males here, felt the right to pinch her and make her defend herself when she owes you nothing.
> 
> ...


P.S. There were a ton of women posters slapping you upside your head with 2x4's on your thread as well.

You are very clearly biased to the point of ignorant, blind hatred.

Get IC. You need help.

Learn about what love is. You don't have a clue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> P.S. There were a ton of women posters slapping you upside your head with 2x4's on your thread as well.
> 
> You are very clearly biased to the point of ignorant, blind hatred.
> 
> ...


LOL... I know, right?

I read her "younger days" comment and started laughing, all the while thinking, "What? In your case it was less than a year ago!"

Derp derp.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> I was thinking something along those lines.
> 
> How would you say the you today compares with the you back then.
> 
> ...


I am afraid I can't offer that much insight. After all these years and with the soul searching brought on by the Catholic annulment process last year, I still boil it down to I met someone that I loved.

When I was single and dating, I enjoyed the company of men. Some meant more than others. I didn't love any of them in a romantic sense. I'm not even sure I believed life long romantic love was a thing.

When I got pregnant, I very logically "did the right thing" with the impression that it was a temporary marriage for the sake of the child. We were so very incompatible, I didn't love him, we were both unfaithful, so I couldn't take it seriously on a personal level and didn't understand how anyone else could, either.

The wedding ceremony and the vows weren't meant, they were legally required for there to be a marriage on record for the kid.

When I met my DH, I fell in love. And, by some miracle, not only did he feel the same way, but we were extremely compatible. It wasn't just friendship and sex. It was so much deeper and so much more intense.

When I said the vows, I meant them. I meant it to be for life, come what may. I truly believed and I went all in.

And that was the change. That was the difference.



arbitrator said:


> *
> I came here thinking that anybody who would be low enough to brazenly and unconsciably cheat on a spouse, who they had professed their holy and heartfelt vows before, was nothing more than sheer scum of the earth!
> 
> But after having read some of the heart wrenching stories of some of my "cheating brethren," who after having gone into the valley of infidelity's abject depravity, then sought out remorse, contrition, and loving forgiveness from both God and their spouse; and then subsequently sought out reconciliation, knowing full well that there is absolutely no measured guarantee of success, those folks have my utmost respect!
> ...


These are areas where I still struggle. My response to this may be more appropriate for the religion section, but if @gyspy14 is a woman of faith, maybe it will help her.

I did not speak what I thought were holy vows. I did openly and brazenly cheat on my exH. I did not lie or conceal from family or friends. I did not think about God because I'd left Christianity and been Pagan for years. 

Only later, after journeying through Atheism and Agnosticism, did I go back to my roots as a Christian and find my home in the Catholic Church. And that is where I find my struggle.

The Church teaches that to find the forgiveness of the Lord, one must repent their action. To sincerely regret their sin in their heart. I don't know that I do.

That period of my life was one of darkness and despair. It wasn't just the marriage, though that was bad enough, it was also my mother was dying, my siblings needed a lot of care, my child needed me, and I had given up on my dreams and mourning the life I thought I would have to live a life I hated with someone who made me feel like everything, all hope of a better life, was futile.

Having those affairs kept me sane. It kept me from giving in to despair and just falling down the rabbit hole. My choices then gave me 2 beautiful daughters, led me to meet the love of my life and have a beautiful son, and eventually led me back to the faith. (DH was raised Catholic and is why I went to Mass in the first place. The Spirit took it from there.)

The best I can say is that I was desperate and broken, that I am sorry I made a mockery of marriage the way that I did, but I can't say I am sorry for keeping myself sane, or that I met my DH and began a relationship with him. Saying that would be a lie. 

Can God forgive me my transgressions with what seems to be partial repentance? I don't know. Unforeseen spiritual side effect of having affairs.



roxie1983 said:


> Its not "liking the insight" but called "needling someone".
> 
> As soon as you heard a woman admitting to some bad decisions in her younger days, like all the insufferable bullying males here, felt the right to pinch her and make her defend herself when she owes you nothing.
> 
> ...


I sincerely thank you for your defense of me, but I assure you the folks here and over at LS have read most of my story and have been very kind. No signs of tar, feathers, pitch forks, or torches.



ConanHub said:


> My message option isn't working so just wanted to let you know that my questions were honest and I wasn't trying to needle you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh, I know! The thoughts and opinions expressed on forums have given me insight into others and myself. By answering questions, I hope to give some of that back to the community.



GusPolinski said:


> Didn't read that way to me, CH. In fact, I didn't detect a hint of anything even remotely resembling "needling" in your discourse w/ @MJJEAN
> 
> And no, she doesn't owe anyone here ANYTHING. *Still, she joined the conversation of her own free will and subsequently chose to participate in an open and honest manner. Based on what I've observed this far, this is her usual M.O. Additionally, she's aware of her missteps, has owned them, and has taken plenty of insight from them.*


I very much value openness and honesty in people. So, I take this as a compliment. Thank you.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I did. Full blown EA likely only kept from PA by distance. Why? Because a long lost GF blew in my ear just the right way at just the right time and I liked it. I didn't do my job and have my wife's back when she wasn't looking as I should have. I was selfish. I was arrogant. I put my head up my ass and jumped in. Thinking behind it? I think this is one of the hardest things for BS to wrap there head around. In listening to lots of cases here and in my own there is no thinking behind it. It feels good. I want more. I'll worry about consequences later. That's about the extent of it. I've never been able to decide if the thoughtlessness made it worse or if an affair planned out and executed would be worse, although I've always suspected the former.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* @MJJEAN ~ I do know!

As Jesus told the woman in John 8:10-11, who was about to be stoned to death for being a prostitute "Who here is condemning you? Well neither am I! Go your way and sin no more!"

By your own admission and repentance, you are forgiven!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I cheated on Jacqueline Smith. I took her poster down and put up Farrah Fawcett's.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Slvt


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Zanne said:


> Even if she is married to her affair partner?


Yes, God's forgiveness is for everyone. 

Now, that doesn't mean they skate on the consequences of their actions. It also means they need to never repeat said actions. 

I divorced my ex because she cheated (multiple times). If she were to get together with and marry one of her affair partners, that would be difficult for me. But if she was happy, more power to her. She paid the price for betrayal. I divorced her. Now she is free to make whatever choices she wants.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> I cheated on Jacqueline Smith. I took her poster down and put up Farrah Fawcett's.


That's not cheating, unless you married the poster. 

Now if you had hid Farrah's poster under Jacqueline's. Well, that's cheating. :grin2:


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

MJJEAN said:


> I am afraid I can't offer that much insight. After all these years and with the soul searching brought on by the Catholic annulment process last year, I still boil it down to I met someone that I loved.
> 
> When I was single and dating, I enjoyed the company of men. Some meant more than others. I didn't love any of them in a romantic sense. I'm not even sure I believed life long romantic love was a thing.
> 
> ...


Hey. Thanks for sharing a bit of your life. I can tell what changed about you.

You actually remind me of me somewhat.

I didn't believe love existed and was very promiscuous, though I really didn't realize until much later, with the exception that I was very careful not to get anyone pregnant and had zero interest in marriage under any circumstances.

Then I met Mrs. Conan.

I think your sins were a lot more against God than your ex.

You both sinned, entered into a farce of a marriage and sinned some more.

I don't really think you have anything to make up to your ex from your narrative.

I can see God blessed you anyway with children and even brought you your love despite your sins against him.

I don't know what repentance should look like to God but I bet he is pleased with the results.

You really aren't that desperately lost young woman anymore.

I don't think you ever will be again. Sounds pretty repentant to me.:smile2:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

nursejackie said:


> I cheated-the thought process was something like?I think I need more from my marriage, I am lonely, I beg and plead for H to work on our relationship- he is oblivious and thinks I'm overly dramatic/emotional-
> 
> I see new guy at work, he's cute, he pays attention to me and writes me little notes. I know where this is going. I am selfish and immature. I think I deserve this attention and enjoy being pursued. I think that we are great companions, we just "get" each other so beautifully. Special little snowflakes as someone on here has put it. I have an A and seriously feel like my life would be perfect if I could just have H and OM both. I realize what I am doing has to stop and pull myself out of the fog somehow-and end it but don't tell H for 25 years.
> 
> ...


How does cheating ruin your self-esteem? Wouldn't an A boost your low self-esteem by demonstrating how desirable you are (albeit to OM)?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Zanne said:


> Even if she is married to her affair partner?


I would say it is possible if they both were remorseful over their actions and started walking the straight and narrow.

A marriage is violated and destroyed by infidelity anyway. Staying with someone that cheated takes starting over and both parties interested.

I believe a WS can fully repent while not going back to the marriage they destroyed.

That will look a very certain way however.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

G.J. said:


> Slvt


I know! Seriously! @bandit.45 is probably the most disgusting cheater I have ever heard about!

I almost threw up!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

MAJDEATH said:


> How does cheating ruin your self-esteem? Wouldn't an A boost your low self-esteem by demonstrating how desirable you are (albeit to OM)?


Kind of the same way alcohol let's your forget your problems... it's an illusion and every time the fog starts to lift and you start to see reality it's such a cluster you just jump back in deeper with both feet. 

Assuming the WS is not a complete asshat and psychopath they have to face what they have done and what it means about who they are. Assuming they want to R it also means they have to face that if they have the opportunity. None of that is to say that in any way compares to what the BS is then going through but it is a long tough look in the mirror that does not do good things for ones self esteem... but it really shouldn't now should it?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

MAJDEATH said:


> How does cheating ruin your self-esteem? Wouldn't an A boost your low self-esteem by demonstrating how desirable you are (albeit to OM)?


Maybe to a sociopath.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

I tried cheating once, then tried it again a year later and realized it wasn't for me.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

arbitrator said:


> * @MJJEAN ~ I do know!
> 
> As Jesus told the woman in John 8:10-11, who was about to be stoned to death for being a prostitute "Who here is condemning you? Well neither am I! Go your way and sin no more!"
> 
> ...


I regret that I sinned, but I do not regret the 3 humans and the marriage that were the results of those sins. Is that true repentance? Shouldn't I regret it all?

My priest thinks I am underestimating the depth of God's love. I pray he's not overestimating it.

You know how we tell our children that choices they make now could effect them for the rest of their lives? Some choices can effect us for the rest of eternity. Wish I would have given THAT more thought back then.



Zanne said:


> Even if she is married to her affair partner?


 

Ok, I don't understand the question. Do you mean that you thin it would have been somehow more moral to leave the marriage AND the AP in favor of being single and/or marrying someone else?

Leaving the marriage was an inevitability. We were completely incompatible. In all ways. Additionally, my ex suffers from depression. It wasn't diagnosed until after the divorce, but it explains so much.

He was chronically irresponsible, especially with money. He couldn't/wouldn't keep a job. He lied like a rug. He occasionally stole things from me, his mother and father, and even employers. Thousands from his parents alone, if you count the jewelry. He was occasionally physically abusive.

I found a man I love passionately and who is my perfect match. He was willing, at 25, to take on not only me, but the complete care and raising of my then 6 and 1 year old little girls. How could I NOT marry him?

We have been together for 16 years, married for 13. My DH has raised my children from that marriage and given me a son. We own our home free and clear. We have very little debt. We've given the kids a stable and loving home. We've set a good example of a marriage for them to follow. We've loved each other well.

Meanwhile, my exH has lived in something like 6 different states, mostly couch surfing. He is over $250,000 in child support arrears for my two kids and two others he had with two other women. He hasn't worked in years and is fully supported by his mother as he has been for the vast majority of his adult life. He is remarried and has two children, ages 7 and 4. He and his wife lost custody to the state for the 3rd time this year due to neglect and filthy household conditions. The kids are currently in foster care. He and his wife are cheating on each other and he has hit her in front of my ex MIL and other family members.

Considering the results so far, I think marrying my AP was the right call.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Acoa said:


> That's not cheating, unless you married the poster.
> 
> Now if you had hid Farrah's poster under Jacqueline's. Well, that's cheating. :grin2:


Well it was because Jacqueline's poster was getting kind of stained up and....

...well...maybe I shouldn't talk about that.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

bandit.45 said:


> I cheated on Jacqueline Smith. I took her poster down and put up Farrah Fawcett's.


Only people of a certain age have any idea what you're talking about. The rest will be furiously Googling. :laugh:


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Zanne said:


> Thank you both for your answers. It's something I continue to wrestle with. I'm wondering if @arbitrator has a different perspective?


Zanne are you and your OM planning to marry?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

MJJEAN said:


> Only people of a certain age have any idea what you're talking about. The rest will be furiously Googling. :laugh:


Hey! You calling me old????
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Zanne said:


> Yes, but first we need to get divorced! Both married for nearly 27 years. Not as easy as it seems.


You are both legally separated? How long?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

I've never cheated, but my H has. I can say that if your H is depressed and you've tried everything, then you should leave before cheating. 

Yes, he's going to be upset if you leave - but he would be even more so if you cheated. Cheating to me, is one of the absolute worse things you could do to your spouse (obviously, there are instances of abuse, etc that are also just as bad). It just allows for new dynamics to enter into his/her mind. So, he's already depressed over whatever - if you throw cheating into that....it will multiply ten fold. Suddenly, he's not good enough in bed, or he's not man enough for you, or he's not....whatever. A depressed person doesn't need that. If you're unhappy because of his depression, leave and tell him it's because of his depression. 

Not only that, you lose the upper hand. Right now, you are the one trying to work it out. You're trying to help, you're wanting him better, etc. If you cheat, you will be the one that cheated. That's it. It won't matter what you tried to do, people will always only see you as a cheater. Sometimes people can look past that title (cheater), but it will always be a stain on who you are.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> Hey! You calling me old????
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Could be...:surprise:



Zanne said:


> It has been said to me, yes. I'm trying to sort out a similar situation myself. I am with my AP and we plan to get married. Will God bless our union? Some would say that according to the bible, we are still sinning and will still be in an adulterous relationship.
> 
> Of course, none of this matters in the context of this thread if the OP is not a Christian. I apologize for thread jacking if that's the case. It does, however, point out the many complications of cheating.


I can't speak for God, but there is always faith and hope. 

According to my faith, my first marriage was invalid. My exH and I did not intend to make a lifelong, faithful, union for the good of each other and for the creation and rearing of children. Additionally, our ability to freely consent was flawed. The Church believes exH was incapable of consenting to marriage due to gross psychological immaturity and was mentally incapable of fulfilling the duties and obligations of marriage. My ability to consent was impaired because of the pressure I felt due to the birth of my child and my mother's impending death.

Because the marriage was invalid, I am not committing adultery and am free to be married to my DH.

The annulment process helped me with spiritual healing, but I am still left with the questions of repentance and forgiveness.

Whatever faith you are, it might help to speak to a pastor or some other spiritual adviser about your situation.
@gyspy14 If you are a person of faith, an affair can be very spiritually damaging. Even years after the fact. If you aren't a person of faith, allow that someday you might become a person of faith and will have to cope with the decisions you make now.

If your H's depression is making life intolerable, get a divorce. He is an adult and will either sink or swim on his own, as we all must. Don't make the mistake of having an affair and damaging him, you, and your AP(s) mentally, spiritually, socially,and possibly physically. It's really not worth it.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Zanne said:


> Our relationship started online nearly three years ago. We both separated (moved out of respective marital homes) from our spouses a little over a year ago. We have been living together now for about five months.
> 
> His wife is pushing him to file. They've been through one mediation meeting. My husband is pushing us to file jointly; wants me to sign off on papers, but I'm not ready yet. Nobody has an attorney at this point. There are just a lot of issues to consider, finance wise.


Well. You are kind of living in sin but if you want to make it right you should get through your divorce hurdles and then make yourselves official.

Trust God and do what you know is right.

Marrying and keeping a straight path before God is repentant.

Repentance isn't always easy but maybe it shouldn't be.

You two need to get divorced while being righteous with your exes.

Don't continue to harm them. Give them the most amicable divorce you are both capable of.

You are in limbo right now and that is not where God wants you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> I cheated on Jacqueline Smith. I took her poster down and put up Farrah Fawcett's.





MJJEAN said:


> Only people of a certain age have any idea what you're talking about. The rest will be furiously Googling. :laugh:





ConanHub said:


> Hey! You calling me old????
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I know I'm old, it's 2016, and I'm still fervently trying to master the 1977 Farrah hairdo!!!


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## Kobold (Dec 5, 2015)

You appear to be seeking out other people's thoughts so here it goes, my take is not gonna be popular though. 



MJJEAN said:


> Considering the results so far, I think marrying my AP was the right call.


Biblical morality is not concerned with "results" at all. The fact that you personally got a happy outcome in your own situation doesn't somehow negate the fact that you broke God's commandments. According to biblical morality the ends don't justify the means in God's eyes. In Malcom X's eyes they did "By any means necessary." as he famously stated, but not in the eyes of Jesus Christ. The good news is that Christ came to save sinners and by his blood(and his blood alone) we can be forgiven for all of our sins past, present and future. 

Faith plus nothing equals salvation, but salvation(true salvation) will bring good works along with it, however those works are not what saves us, neither can our participation in a church or religious service save us. According to the bible it is only through faith in the shed blood of Jesus that any of us can be saved. If we can be good enough to earn our salvation then Christ died on that cross for nothing. If you believe that he died for your sins, then you are already forgiven for them. As he stated on the cross "It is finished." There's nothing more to be done, but live in his grace while conforming closer and closer to his image in your walk with him.



MJJEAN said:


> According to my faith, my first marriage was invalid. My exH and I did not intend to make a lifelong, faithful, union for the good of each other and for the creation and rearing of children. Additionally, our ability to freely consent was flawed. The Church believes exH was incapable of consenting to marriage due to gross psychological immaturity and was mentally incapable of fulfilling the duties and obligations of marriage. My ability to consent was impaired because of the pressure I felt due to the birth of my child and my mother's impending death.


Now I must be a little more blunt here, cause this is where many are kept at bay from God's grace due to the traditions and empty rituals of men taking precedence over God's own word. My question to you is this, where does it state all of this that you wrote above in the bible? I ask rhetorically cause I already know it's nowhere to be found in the old or new testaments, but it is in fact a man made tradition that compromises the biblical foundation of marriage and takes advantage of the very limited allowance for divorce which can be found within the pages of scripture. 

It also removes God from his rightful throne and places somebody else(the clergy in this instance) in his place as the only one to decide what is and what isn't an acceptable reason for divorce. You don't need a priest to make "allowance" for your divorce, he cannot even do that anyways, he is not God therefore his decision is meaningless and cannot supersede what God has already stated to be true in his own word, you need the blood of Jesus to cover your sin of getting an unbiblical divorce not a "get out of hell free card" from your priest. The moment you realize that simple truth, you will begin to be truly free from your guilt complex.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

EI said:


> I know I'm old, it's 2016, and I'm still fervently trying to master the 1977 Farrah hairdo!!!


Hahaha! LOL!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Kobold said:


> You appear to be seeking out other people's thoughts so here it goes, my take is not gonna be popular though.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I don't disagree but she wasn't even a believer back when all the stupidity was going on.

She came to a belief much later.

Sinners sin until they know better and repent.

I think she is probably just using language she knows to describe her situation but I don't disagree about Jesus.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

EI said:


> I know I'm old, it's 2016, and I'm still fervently trying to master the 1977 Farrah hairdo!!!


I think you come close to nailing it.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> I think you come close to nailing it.


O.M.G. was there a video :surprise:

were's the link :wink2:


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

No worries. Yeah. I don't think it's a widely known possible symptom of the manic/bipolar high. I haven't typically had that symptom before, it usually came out in other ways. 

It took a lot of energy to try and focus with a sober mind, which was near impossible, but I had to remind myself that it was dangerous to make big decisions or assessments in this frame of mind. I believe that if I had gone ahead with it, it would have been very destructive. I have a beautiful baby boy now and he may not have come to exist if I cheated and we broke up or took a different path.


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> QuietSoul said:
> 
> 
> > Some here would say I cheated on my H but I don't think I did technically, but I was damn close to that fine line. In 2014 (as it turns out I was in a manic high) I had a couple of interactions with men who I found attractive and was surprised by my behaviour... they seemed attracted to me, and normally I would shut it down and not engage with it at all, and i would not be tempted either, but for whatever reason, this time i was different, and entertained the idea in my mind. Nothing came of either of those situations, but it seemed to set something in motion in my mind, and the following week, I contacted a guy on Craigslist who was seeking an encounter. Again, out of character for me. We did not meet in the end as I chose not to go ahead. Never sent him sexy photos, sext messages, never met up, that was the end of that... but I know the fact i came that close... i know if it was my H i would want him to tell me, and i went to tell H and told him the first two things and backed out on the last thing because i found it too hard, but it was a wake up call for sure because i was in this tunnel vision mode where i just wasn't thinking and wasn't considering the consequences, and telling H about even some of it showed me how hard it would be if i ever did go ahead with that and having to tell him or live with it knowing he would find out anyway...
> ...


Conan, I was on Avanza (an anti depressant) with Seroquel (antipsychotic but also some mood atablising effects and helps with sleep). My psych wanted me to ideally be on lithium or valproate/epilim instead of seroquel, but because I was wanting to try for a baby, those are meds I needed to steer clear of because of serious birth defects they can cause. 

An anti depressant can cause mania in a person who is bipolar or had those tendencies, whether the effect is more immediate, or appears in weeks or months of build up.

When in tweaked, I skipped tge anti D for one night, then recommenced on a lowered dose, and stayed in the same amount of seroquel. It's not good to go cold turkey. Normally I would need to go through my psych for an adjustment but i made an exec call as I didn't have an appointment for weeks and he is in high demand. 

What can happen with mental illness (a lot of them anyway) is that it can take one aspect of your personality or preferences and magnify or distort it. The affair temptation wasn't typical for me, but there are certain kinds of men I find attractive. I don't think about it really and it does not cause problems on my marriage, but during the high, my mind was obsessive about it


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

QuietSoul said:


> Conan, I was on Avanza (an anti depressant) with Seroquel (antipsychotic but also some mood atablising effects and helps with sleep). My psych wanted me to ideally be on lithium or valproate/epilim instead of seroquel, but because I was wanting to try for a baby, those are meds I needed to steer clear of because of serious birth defects they can cause.
> 
> An anti depressant can cause mania in a person who is bipolar or had those tendencies, whether the effect is more immediate, or appears in weeks or months of build up.
> 
> ...


Is your husband one of them?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Zanne said:


> Thank you both for your answers. It's something I continue to wrestle with. I'm wondering if @arbitrator has a different perspective?


*Ol' Arb's married lives resembles those discussed in the previous post! I married women that I implicitly trusted, only to have the proverbial rug pulled out from under my feet due to their covert infidelity!

It took a while, but initially did not want to offer forgiveness to them because what they had done to me was like sticking a serrated knife squarely in the middle of my back, and then turning it! After my horrendous D from my RSXW, I visited with my Methodist pastor who asked me if I had forgiven her! My answer to him was "I don't know!"

His reply mirrored Jesus' teachings in that if you don't forgive, then how can you ever expect anyone else to offer forgiveness to you? 

And I did so! Not directly or in letter form, but in my heart! But I will always remember the pain of what happened to me, because to forget about it would only make me that much more a shallow man!

Always remember, forgiving others is the preeminent key in offering forgiveness to yourself!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

EI said:


> I know I'm old, it's 2016, and I'm still fervently trying to master the 1977 Farrah hairdo!!!


The way trends seem to be going, that hair will be back!



Kobold said:


> You appear to be seeking out other people's thoughts so here it goes, my take is not gonna be popular though.
> 
> Biblical morality is not concerned with "results" at all. The fact that you personally got a happy outcome in your own situation doesn't somehow negate the fact that you broke God's commandments.
> 
> ...


I snipped the post you made for simplicity.


The results comment wasn't meant to speak to morality. The comment was meant to speak to why I made the decision to marry my AP rather than pursue a relationship and later marriage with someone else.

My faith does not teach that belief alone is enough. For us, it's a bit more complicated than that.

The Catholic Church is not Sola Scriptura. We also rely on Tradition.

My faith teaches that St Peter, and through him, the Church was given the power to bind and loose on Earth and in Heaven. (Matt. 18:16...I believe?)

In any case, my faith isn't up for debate. We all walk our own spiritual path and should respect each others beliefs. 

The point to the entire faith based conversation was to caution our OP that making the choice to have an affair to escape her unhappiness would be spiritually damaging.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

MJJEAN said:


> I regret that I sinned, but I do not regret the 3 humans and the marriage that were the results of those sins. Is that true repentance? Shouldn't I regret it all?
> 
> *My priest thinks I am underestimating the depth of God's love. I pray he's not overestimating it.*
> 
> ...


*Tell your Priest that he is a very wise and loving man, and that he's absolutely "spot on!" 

And if he ever feels that he is losing his penchant for being the fine priest that he seemingly is, well just tell him that "Ol' John Wesley" will always have a home and a job for him!

He'll smile, no doubt!

As a man of God's true love, his advice and excellent command of the knowledge on the infinite and undying love of our Heavenly Father is so refreshing and reassuring to hear about!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> QuietSoul said:
> 
> 
> > Conan, I was on Avanza (an anti depressant) with Seroquel (antipsychotic but also some mood atablising effects and helps with sleep). My psych wanted me to ideally be on lithium or valproate/epilim instead of seroquel, but because I was wanting to try for a baby, those are meds I needed to steer clear of because of serious birth defects they can cause.
> ...


Gus, no. Not to say I am not attracted to H because I am, bit he was/is not of this "type" that I have a general attraction towards. Kind of lime how a guy can have a "thing" for blondes or Asians or long legs but still be attracted or married to a woman who does not necessarily fit a preferred category


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> I think you come close to nailing it.





G.J. said:


> O.M.G. was there a video :surprise:
> 
> were's the link :wink2:


Nah, B1 only takes photos, he's not into videos! :grin2:


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

:rofl:


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## gyspy14 (Feb 16, 2016)

staarz21 said:


> Not only that, you lose the upper hand. Right now, you are the one trying to work it out. You're trying to help, you're wanting him better, etc. If you cheat, you will be the one that cheated. That's it. It won't matter what you tried to do, people will always only see you as a cheater. Sometimes people can look past that title (cheater), but it will always be a stain on who you are.


Yes! You are so right about this. Thanks for putting it in that perspective..


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

With my head hanging down in shame I will admit I cheated with one man in my early 20's. I ended up married to my AP for 16 years. I caught him cheating with women and escorts. I guess my god paid me back ten fold. It took me years to forgive myself for all the pain I caused another people. 

Once a cheater always a cheater ... No. I learned and paid dearly for the evil I did. My motto now is leave a relationship way before you go looking for someone else. I know in my heart I would never cheat on a person ever again...lesson hard learned!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

QuietSoul said:


> Conan, I was on Avanza (an anti depressant) with Seroquel (antipsychotic but also some mood atablising effects and helps with sleep). My psych wanted me to ideally be on lithium or valproate/epilim instead of seroquel, but because I was wanting to try for a baby, those are meds I needed to steer clear of because of serious birth defects they can cause.
> 
> An anti depressant can cause mania in a person who is bipolar or had those tendencies, whether the effect is more immediate, or appears in weeks or months of build up.
> 
> ...


Thank you. That makes sense and is definitely something that should be taught to watch for with people in situations like yours.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

MAJDEATH said:


> How does cheating ruin your self-esteem? Wouldn't an A boost your low self-esteem by demonstrating how desirable you are (albeit to OM)?


I was young and knew I was desirable- I was never involved in sports so had used dating as one. I see someone I want- work to get them- get them and "I won"…super immature.

I knew H found me desirable as he told me all the time and we had frequent relations.

Doing what I did went against what I thought was my moral character. My actions did not line up with what kind of a person I thought I was. It broke my vows. I felt weak, foolish, and worst of all unworthy of my H and my marriage. I knew I could never atone for my mistake. I didn't think I could ever tell him so I had to come to terms with the fact I was a cheater(what I hated in my parents) deceitful, selfish, and incorrigible……self esteem down the tubes.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MAJDEATH said:


> How does cheating ruin your self-esteem? Wouldn't an A boost your low self-esteem by demonstrating how desirable you are (albeit to OM)?


How? Because you realise what a POS you are. 

That is how.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Trouble is Matt some cheaters have trouble seeing they are a POS
:gun:

Hmm I'm in a funk today


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

G.J. said:


> Trouble is Matt some cheaters have trouble seeing they are a POS
> :gun:
> 
> Hmm I'm in a funk today


Mine was a RA so was possibly different.

My wife's affair hurt me less than my affair did. 

You are in a funk? Try this on the next person you meet.

"What do you call a fish with no eyes?"

"Fsh!" 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

You know it took me 20 seconds to get it...see f.u.n.k. 

Yep that's why I put 'some' as there are some which not desirable are at least understandable for other reasons other than the me me,me,me brigade

Nobodys come into my office for last 30 mins as well...guess its obvious ....opps


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

MAJDEATH said:


> How does cheating ruin your self-esteem? Wouldn't an A boost your low self-esteem by demonstrating how desirable you are (albeit to OM)?


My XWW's cheating seemed to boost her self esteem. She became super arrogant during her affair. She thought she was all that...and a bag of chips. I'll never forget her pampas attitude and the way she would strut around like she was the center of the universe. Even after I found out what she was up to, she still thought she was the s**t. 

Maybe she is a sociopath?


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