# Man needs advice from reasonable women



## Mdcl33 (Mar 20, 2009)

Hi, this is the first time I have ever joined any type of Internet forum or chat or anything. So, not sure how all this works. 

My marriage of 12 years recently underwent an emotional affair by my wife and I am having difficulties coping. For the most part, we have had an ideal relationship over the years with some bumps in the road but nothing major like this. We are the type of people that try to make our marriage work very well by helping and supporting each other and so on. 

The emotional affair has taken a toll on both of us in some ways. I have difficulties trusting her now which she has never given me any reason to do so in the past other than this situation. I can't help myself but I don't beleive what she tells me sometimes. I am sure some of it is in my head which is I suppose where I need the help.

As a result of all this, I think she resents me in a way now although she trys to cover it up. She just acts differently now with me (patronizing) and I don't think I deserve it. I am getting to the point where I don't feel like trying in our relationship. We have children and the last thing I want to do is divorce.

I suppose my question to the women is how should I act as a result of this emotional affair she had? Should I act indifferent? Would that get her attention? Does she feel smothered or something since I busted her? If she does not want my attention then I want to find another place to channel it. Are my feelings unwarranted?

Thanks for any input or advice.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

well i dont really know how you should act. but i do know you shoudl talk. it sounds like you both are afraid to talk about it and are guessing at what the other is thinking. bring it up that you feel she is patronizing you. let her know that you are getting tired of working on the relationship and you are tired of being treated bad. of course try to do it using "i feel" statements. of course be willing to hear her side, too.

Usually with my H i ask him if he can have a serious conversation with me for no more then thirty minutes. that way we both can focus and if he says he cant talk to me, i will ask him to let me know when he can. and i put a time limit on it so we dont end up going in circles. you dont have to solve everything in one conversation. just take it one step at a time and give it time.

and remember, dont be put off by her anger. its a good sign if she shows you how she feels. when she feels more comfortable with you, and you with her, you both will show your hurt and not your anger. then the healing can begin. just keep going with it and you two will cool off after awhile.


----------



## Mdcl33 (Mar 20, 2009)

Hi Blanca, thanks for the response. I agree with all your points. I tend to do more of the talking and opening up than she does. Over the past few years, I noticed that she does not express her feelings much unless it is something that really bothers her. So I end up doing most of the talking, initiating the conversations and so forth. After a while, I feel like some sort of whiner or something because I am "doing the right thing" to try and work out issues. So, I am getting to the point where I don't want to talk anymore and just let things ride even though they shouldn't. I'm not giving up completely but I feel resentful sometimes that she takes advantage of the fact that I try really hard to make our relationship work. 

I know this sounds childish but what do you think if I just stop talking? That is, change my demeanor and not give her as much attention. Do you think that is healthy? Maybe she would realize what she is missing?

Whatever the case may be, she enjoys the benefits of our marriage and I don't feel she would leave or anything like that. She has a very good life and she knows it. I think she is going through some sort of youthful regeneration or something like that. She loves attention and gets plenty of it all the time from a variety of sources. So, maybe she is so wrapped up in that that she thinks in her mind that she does not have time for what she views as trivial things. The bad thing is that if she continues to act the way she has been then I may stray or find other outlets for my energy. I am already getting to that point because I am sort of tired of putting all this energy into our marriage when I don't feel she is doing the same.

Thanks for any advice or input.


----------



## justean (May 28, 2008)

Mdcl33 said:


> My marriage of 12 years recently underwent an emotional affair by my wife and I am having difficulties coping. We are the type of people that try to make our marriage work very well by helping and supporting each other and so on.
> 
> The emotional affair has taken a toll on both of us in some ways. I have difficulties trusting her now which she has never given me any reason to do so in the past other than this situation. I can't help myself but I don't beleive what she tells me sometimes. I am sure some of it is in my head which is I suppose where I need the help.
> 
> ...


well i think im reasonable to answer your question.
the reason despite you working and being ok in your marriage.
was the emotional affair , provided a breath of fresh air from home life and you.
your wife i think has for a while been asking for certain things to change and it didnt happen (my assumption) . the emotional affair got her away from those issues with you.
i feel both ppl are to blame for marriage issues. its not just one person.
your feelings are very normal , trust etc.
but her resentment (again my assumption ) comes from the fact, she is stil with you. its a build up.
she had a taster of newness.
you have actually answered your own questions:-
yes she feels smothered.
fact here - you busted her - thats p***ed her off, thats why you got attitude - also for guilt.
yes your are unwarranted in her eyes as as you around her.

a suggestion on how to act - go out and have some fun.
go out with some mates. get busy, get a hobby.
get dressed up infront of her and aftershave and walk straight passed her and go out.
get her thinking for a change. trust me , this works.
you can get to her psychologically. whatever you did in the past. change your persona and profile of how she sees you.


----------



## Mdcl33 (Mar 20, 2009)

justean thanks for the feedback. I am sure you are right in that I have some role in her desire to seek something else. However, I can tell you that I go out of my way to gain "points" with her all the time. I understand that she is a housewife and mother and all that gets boring but my job gets boring too. At least, she can say that she gets to shop and buy anything she wants whenever she wants, takes ballroom dance lessons during the day, and has the house cleaned for her every other week. So, she's not exactly repressed if you know what I mean.

It's funny you mentioned about me changing how I act. I started doing that and she has noticed. I'm at the point where my main focus is not to try and make everything perfect for her or our marriage anymore. I think that is part of the problem. I want to put my energy into things that will make me happy as well. We'll see what happens. Thanks!


----------



## justean (May 28, 2008)

you think shes not repressed. she is. but good on you for the change - i said women notice. just keep it up and she wil look at u differently. i think you have a good attitude on you. remain focused that way.
thing is once you take the attention of her, she wont kinda like it.
you wil start making her think.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Mdcl33 said:


> I'm at the point where my main focus is not to try and make everything perfect for her or our marriage anymore. I think that is part of the problem. I want to put my energy into things that will make me happy as well. We'll see what happens. Thanks!


That is a good idea. My H is not a big talker either and I fought with him for a long time. At first i got bitter and pulled away because he wouldnt talk to me. But something i started to realize after i backed off was that he "talks" differently then me. You might try reading the book The Five Love Languages. Of course if you are done working on things b/c you're frustrated, then you may want to wait awhile. 

If working on the relationship is making you feel resentful, then you should back off. Do things that make you feel good and dont try and control her. If she decides to leave, well, you'll just have to let her. 

Something I realized after awhile was that talking does very, very little in the way of communication. I will tell my H how i am feeling now, but only once and then i let him know what i am going to do if things dont change. Its not that i set consequences, or that im trying to punish him, or that i even feel angry at him. I just need to do what makes me happy and that's it.


----------



## Mdcl33 (Mar 20, 2009)

I've been so focused on her and our marriage for so long I have forgotten how to get another woman's attention. I have no other at this point but to give her a taste of her own medicine. It's sad it has come to this but I am done talking and need to show her how juvenile she is acting. I have some ideas but for the most I am just trying to act indifferent. And, in a way, it's not completely forced. I am getting to the point where I don't care about the whole thing. As each day goes by, I care less and less about what she wants or what she thinks. And, as I get back into my hobbies that I gave up for her (music, sports, etc.) then I am sure I will care even less. Really sucks for her because she has no idea how cold I can really be. If this all sounds wrong, let me know. I'm not sure what else I can do from here other than play her own game and maybe enjoy some benefits along the way.


----------



## COFLgirl (Oct 9, 2008)

Mdcl33 said:


> I've been so focused on her and our marriage for so long I have forgotten how to get another woman's attention. I have no other at this point but to give her a taste of her own medicine. It's sad it has come to this but I am done talking and need to show her how juvenile she is acting. I have some ideas but for the most I am just trying to act indifferent. And, in a way, it's not completely forced. I am getting to the point where I don't care about the whole thing. As each day goes by, I care less and less about what she wants or what she thinks. And, as I get back into my hobbies that I gave up for her (music, sports, etc.) then I am sure I will care even less. Really sucks for her because she has no idea how cold I can really be. If this all sounds wrong, let me know. I'm not sure what else I can do from here other than play her own game and maybe enjoy some benefits along the way.


Mdcl33--I hope I am just misunderstanding you here but are you thinking about going out and having an affair to get back at your wife somehow? 

Please reconsider this idea if that is what you are thinking about doing. It sounds like you are becoming disconnected from her. This is not good. An affair will just mess things up even more and there will be even more hurt and resentment. If you feel that unhappy in your marriage, why don't you just separate for awhile and see how you feel. Don't get involved with anyone else-it will just complicate your situation even more. 

I think you said your wife had some type of EA and it doesn't sound like either of you resolved it. Perhaps MC would help? Have you tried that?


----------



## Mdcl33 (Mar 20, 2009)

COFLgirl said:


> Mdcl33--I hope I am just misunderstanding you here but are you thinking about going out and having an affair to get back at your wife somehow?
> 
> Please reconsider this idea if that is what you are thinking about doing. It sounds like you are becoming disconnected from her. This is not good. An affair will just mess things up even more and there will be even more hurt and resentment. If you feel that unhappy in your marriage, why don't you just separate for awhile and see how you feel. Don't get involved with anyone else-it will just complicate your situation even more.
> 
> I think you said your wife had some type of EA and it doesn't sound like either of you resolved it. Perhaps MC would help? Have you tried that?



I know you are right. 2 wrongs don't make a right. I'm just angry, upset, and frustrated because she is so brainwashed right now. She has been in a EA for about 6 months now. She still is even after the confrontation but just more covertly now. It's the classic EA response - denial, defensiveness, deflection. I'm the bad guy now and I guess this is what drives me nuts. I just feel rooked and fooled. I've thought about MC but I'm not going to let her sit there and lie or underquote her involvement with the situation. I guess I am just to the point of giving up on her and letting her do what she wants. I don't want to do that for our family (kids, etc.) but how can I make her change? She's so under the "influence" right now that I look at her sometimes and wonder where the person I married went to. I'm just getting to the point where I don't care anymore. You can give only give so much energy to a situation and solution then you shut off. 

Thanks for your advice.


----------



## COFLgirl (Oct 9, 2008)

There are probably other posters here that can offer better advice than I can but I think it is time for you to play "hardball" with your wife. 

What your wife is in right now is called "affair fog." She can't see clearly what is really going on because she is so confused by the all the "flowers and rainbows" of possibly being with this other person, that there is no way you and your marriage will be able to compete. She is simply not being realistic, even with herself. 

Basically, you have to take of yourself at this point. As others here will tell you and told me when I was in this situation is get your ducks in a row, financially, legally, etc. I know its hard to think of these things when you're confused and in pain yourself but its the best way. If your wife ends up leaving you to be with this other guy, then at least you have started preparing for it. 

But what also might happen is if she sees you getting ready to move on, such as you contacting a divorce attorney, separating finances, re-thinking living arrangements, it might start to WAKE HER UP! As for yourself, begin to move forward with your life on your own. Even if you don't feel like it. Fake it if you have to. IC might be very helpful for you at this point.

Just be careful to protect yourself legally. Don't move out of your house, if you own one. If you have children, make sure they're being taken care of. 

Basically, your wife needs a serious wake-up call if you are going to ever recover your marriage. By moving forward with your own plans (not starting an affair yourself which will cause even more damage and hurt), it might cause your wife to reconsider what she is doing. Good luck...I know it hurts...I've been there.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

there was definitely a time in my marriage (the whole two years of it! haha) that I felt the same way you do. i gave up a lot for my H and then he treated me like crap. I got angry and wanted to throw him the cold shoulder, get even, and give him a taste of his own medicine. And on a couple of occasions i did give him a taste of his own medicine. Turns out I didnt feel better after that at all. 

Really, you have to stop focusing on your wife. You've become consumed by her. Every action you take you think of how it will affect her, what she will do. What about you? Dont you just want to be happy and at peace with yourself? That is what should really be your focus. You may need to back off from her, get involved in what you love, and start being attractive to the opposite sex again. but dont do it b/c of her. Do it because you want to be happy. If that's your motivation you will end up being happy and stop being so obsessed with her.


----------



## Mdcl33 (Mar 20, 2009)

Great advice. Thanks! I could not agree with you more. I have done what you said and suddenly so many things are clear. I was consumed with her and her happiness. Never thinking of mine. So, today I went out bought some new clothes, worked out, and came home. Do you think this has caught her attention? You bet. I started acting nonchalant like she has been for a while, not really on purpose but just because I really did not feel like talking to her. She seems very curious. She kept asking me - do you feel ok? I kept saying - Yeah I feel great! She doesn't know how to react. She wants to say something like "are you mad about something" or "is something bothering you" but she can't because I don't act mad just confident. I just act like she's not the center of the world. We'll see where this goes but so far so good. So good in the sense that I feel alive again. Thank you.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Mdcl33 said:


> So good in the sense that I feel alive again.


:smthumbup: that's great, im glad. i hope you keep it up.


----------



## Guest (Mar 26, 2009)

Hi '33. I'm new to this kind of forum, too. My husband and I are talking about possible separation and divorce. In response to your posting, I too have had what I thought might have been an emotional affair. Nothing my husband ever knew about. I knew it was happening and stopped it before it got too far. In my case, I wasn't feeling loved and appreciated by my husband and reconnected with an old boyfriend. Not to say it was your fault, but she was probably engaging in the "affair" because she was unhappy with your marriage. Maybe she can open up and talk to you about what was making her feel that way.

Maybe she's trying to cover up her feelings or her affair because she feels guilty about it. No one likes to admit they've done something wrong. But I wouldn't act indifferent. Let her know you care about her, you want her to open up to you. Make sure she feels safe doing that, ie: you'll listen, won't get angry, and maybe be ready to admit that you too have done something wrong, possibly unknowingly.

My husband and I saw a marriage counselor for the first time the other night, and he said something that really struck me. He said in love and marriage, we're going to inevitably hurt each other. But we just need to take care not to HARM each other. My husband has kept many, many feelings bottled up over the years in fear of HURTING me. But now we're to the point that the silence has caused HARM. 

Please talk with your wife, try and get her to open up. She may be afraid to admit what she's done or hurt your feelings. But talking is far better than silence, and as a good friend once told me, sometimes fighting gets more accomplished than talking. So be ready to fight for your children and your marriage.

Good luck,
Octobersky


----------



## Mdcl33 (Mar 20, 2009)

Thanks for the post. I appreciate your advice and it is all useful. However, the problem is that I have opened up to her (probably too much) and she won't tell me where her head is at. At first, she was apologetic, then denied it, then resentful because she insists there is no "affair" part to it, and now has strangely twisted the whole situation around to be my fault. Not anything to do with "you weren't here for me emotionally, physically..." or anything like that. Like you said, she is dealing with some serious guilt and other emotions that she does not know how to deal with. I keep trying to express to her that I want to work things out at all costs, I'm there for her, how much I care for her, so on and so on. Instead, of just telling me what needs to be addressed she just lets me talk. So, I am at the point of not talking anymore. We're going to counsleing and actually I think it has fueled her resentment a little more because the counselor told her that it was the secretive parts that made it an "affair". 

The whole thing is getting really silly. I appreciate your advice and in most cases your way would be the solution. However, I am not a typical guy in the sense that I don't work at my marriage or try to understand and empathize my wives feelings and all that. She admits that I work very hard at our marriage and she told the counselor that she "loves me for that." So, marriage is give and take but I can't give any more to someone who can't be honest with themselves for the sake of their marriage and family. I'm not giving up on my marriage, just cutting back on putting so much into it I suppose because obviously what I have been doing is not working.

Thanks!


----------



## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

So did she have an affair or are you suspecting.

The excuse its your fault commonly used by cheater, as way of deflecting the affair guilt.

Sounds like a no remorse issue if indeed an affair. If so you have very big issues.

You cannot just drop it, then you are stating to stay together for the sake of "staying together".

Please advise.


----------



## Mdcl33 (Mar 20, 2009)

Oh yes definitely what you would call your textbook emotional affair. When your wife is calling another man (acquaintance or not) several times a time day ONLY when you are at work, I don't know what else to call it. We're working things out day by day, she's being honest about feelings she has been holding on to, and I suppose I need to try and trust her again. But it's hard when someone that is BUSTED won't admit that they have really done anything that could be viewed as unhealthy or inappropriate for a marriage. Ling-term marriage can be a tough road and I'm learning that day by day.


----------

