# I need advice !



## williesmom364 (Jan 17, 2015)

Sorry for the lengthly post. I don't know what to do. I was married for 11 years. I am now divorced and happily so. When I left my husband I was only able to have enough money to pay for my move and just enough money left over to rent a place, so it's not like I have any money as I don't. I am 64 years old, live off of social security which is only $1,700.00 per month. 

I was raised in a very very dysfunctional family. I HAVE NEVER had a good relationship with my mother for various reasons, and that will never change....that I now know.

When I left my husband I was living in North Carolina. My family live in Idaho. I have not lived in Idaho since I was 19 years old, and I DO NOT LIKE IT HERE. I did not want to move to Idaho, however I was offered by my mother to move into one of her rental homes "just across the street from her". She volunteered to only charge me $300.00 in rent. If I had not taken her up on her offer, then I was going to move to Oregon in with a girlfriend until I could get on my feet and find myself a subsidized place to live. So, I moved here on July 19th.

My mother is 89 years old, and my blind step-dad is 89 years old. They are both failing fast. My mother has Alzheimers Stage 3-4.

There were two reasons why I came home. (both wrong, I now know) 1. Because I thought if I came here, POSSSIBLY I could attempt to have a loving, kind relationship with my mother before she gets worse, and before she passes. WRONG !! 2. Because I didn't have any money, and the rent reduction was offered to me.

All of my life my mother has been a mean, nasty, vindictive, rude abusive mother to me. I'm an only child. This was the main reason I left the state at 19 years old. She is a member of a cult religion, which over the years has caused many a problem between us. Now that she has Alzheimers, she is much worse !! I thought also by moving here I could be a lot of help to her. She has macular degeration, and she also can't hear. The Alzheimers is getting worse. I've tried, and tried to help my mom and step-dad, but they have made it clear to me that they do not want my help in any way. My mother and step-dad literally need to have someone come into their home and stay with them during the day at least, someone to help out by cooking their meals, basically doing the daily day to day chores. If the authorities knew how they live, leaving food that needs to be refrigerated out, mom leaves the range on, leaves the refrigerator door open. She loses keys all of the time, her personal hygeine is awful; I could go on all day. They refuse any help from me or anyone else !! My step-dad is blind, so he is no help. He is failing fast too. He has two grown sons who live nearby, but will not come around at all, and I know why!! Because these people are so mean and nasty !

My mother went into a rage just recently and basically told me that she thought I moved here just to take over her life and be the one in control. That couldn't be any farther from the truth. I have now come to the conclusion that I made a HUGE mistake coming here. Things will never change, in fact they will just get worse. I have NO POWER OF ATTORNEY, I am not the executor of her will, I have no gaurdianship. My step-dad has all of that. 

I do not go over there to their home hardly at all anymore. I was going over there every day, asking them if there was anything I could do to help them. I came here in July. By September we had had a big blow up and I quit going over there.

I finally had a long talk with my step-day. My mother gets so confused that we basically can't talk. So the discussion with my step-dad. Basically what I was told was that "now" my mother does not want me around, but he said that they both would need me down the road for sure. Well, I don't know what to do.

One part of me says just stay put till your mom passes, try your best with her to get along, help her. One part of me says, "why are you here, because your mother doesn't want you here, and has made that very clear to you".

Here is the biggest problem. I have no money !!!! I'm stuck !!!! I basically just sit around here in this house all day, day after day, trying to keep myself busy, and feeling like my life is just passing me by. Of course if I felt loved, wanted, needed here I'd be more than happy to stay, but I get none of those feelings. I feel like I'm dying a slow death.

After the last fight my mother and I told my step-dad that maybe it was better if I left..........he then said, "your mother would probably give you the money to leave on !" I about died. WOW!
The problem is.......it would take me about $7,000 to get me moved out of here. By the time I rent a truck, get packed up, pay for all of the expenses, plus have the money to rent a place, etc. I would want to back to North Carolina, as I now know that North Carolina feels more like home to me.

I don't have the money for counseling. I just don't know what to do????????????????????????????????????????????/


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## williesmom364 (Jan 17, 2015)

I'm the poster. Let me add this.

My mother owns about 7 rental properties with a average value of about $40,000 each. She is basically a slum lord. This town I live in is in an extremely depressed state. No money here at all, and it is so obvious that this is a very very poor town. Just one of the many reasons why I hate it here.

Now, there has been several friends of my that have advised me to just stay put here till my mom passes. They say that at some point my mother will need me in the worst way. ( my mom says she will never go into a home). They advise me that when my mom passes I would probably ( I don't know as she refuses to discuss money with me) inherit enough to leave here. 

What do you think?


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## rhonda1971 (Oct 9, 2014)

(((hugs))) (((hugs))) and more (((hugs))) to you.

all i have to say is, PIECE OF MIND IS PRICELESS!!!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I would think that if you up and moved right away, you would eventually have to return when your Mom died, or became totally disabled. So I really don't think that a hasty move to get her out of your life is the answer.

If you're going to stay there, I would try to build a circle of friends through a church, a hobby, or some area of general interest. But if a church, do stay away from your Mom's narrow-minded cult. There are plenty of good churches around that you should try to visit, get involved with, and offer your services to in some capacity. But I would stay around there and try to help your Mom out, greatly to the point that if she ever chastised you for anything that you have done for her, I'd immediately stop! More especially if she was so unappreciative of it!

As far s help for yourself, contact social services as they will be more than happy to help you out with no-cost assistance that is not deemed to be "welfare!" And they can direct you to free legal clinics that could help you with the legal end of things regarding your Mom's well being!

I totally sympathize with your plight as you will ardently remain in my prayers!*


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## NewLife2017 (Aug 16, 2014)

I am so very sorry. It is true that the child becomes the parent. If this were my dad (because I lost my mom many years ago), I would call Social Services. They can help you and most services are free. In her state of mind, it doesn't matter that she doesn't want to be in a home it may be necessary for her well-being. It sounds as if they are living in awful conditions and they won't let you help them. I imagine that this may get worse and I don't see her asking for your help.

I would not count on an inheritance since your relationship has always been strained. You can hire an attorney and have her declared incompetent to gain power of attorney. *Not* for the money *but* to insure her health and safety. Also you could talk to his sons and see if you can all work together to get them the help they need. And they do need help. What you describe sounds like there could be a tragedy soon such as fire or even food poisoning. 

As far as moving, I live in NC so I can see why you want to come home. Wish you and them the best.


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