# Help



## sammartin405 (Dec 29, 2012)

Hi I am new here. I cheated on my wife and now I feel worse and terrible. Thought of ending my life but I have two kids. The girl knew that I am married but still ended up with me and I didn't have the willpower to say no. Now I am banging my head and praying before God to forgive me. I love my wife and my kids. They are wonderful. I haven't told my wife. Perhaps she will forgive me but she will be bitter always. Don't know if I should dump my guilt on her.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

sammartin405 said:


> Hi I am new here. I cheated on my wife and now I feel worse and terrible. Thought of ending my life but I have two kids. The girl knew that I am married but still ended up with me and I didn't have the willpower to say no. Now I am banging my head and praying before God to forgive me. I love my wife and my kids. They are wonderful. I haven't told my wife. Perhaps she will forgive me but she will be bitter always. Don't know if I should dump my guilt on her.


Would you want to know if she cheated on you? And, if so, would you prefer hearing it from her or from an outside source? These things always get out, no matter how much you convince yourself they won't.

If you want to recover this, then you must start by being honest with your BW.

How did this happen? Some details would help.


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## Yessongs72 (Dec 6, 2012)

sammartin405 said:


> Don't know if I should dump my guilt on her.


Tell her, Everyday you don't tell the lie gets bigger, so the guilt gets bigger and in the end when she finds out its huge, and because of the gap between affair and discovery she will always be wondering 'what else has gone one?' 'are there others?' You may loose it all - you took that gamble when you dropped your pants for OW. You may save your marriage - if she find out independently its going to be even harder to save.


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## sammartin405 (Dec 29, 2012)

well I was in another city for a business meeting and out with my mates. I met this woman I knew. We sat for a friendly chat and she started flirting. I mentioned I am married but lost my willpower at one point. I freaked out after it happened. Now I am terribly furious with myself and kicking me. I lost my innocence and felt like driving my car over the cliff.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

sam, first off don't off yourself! You and your kids deserve better than that.

Secondly, don't tell your wife if the goal is to dump your guilt. And it won't work that way anyhow. You can't dump your guilt onto someone else, you still own it.

I suggest you find a good therapist with experience in marriage therapy and infidelity. Go talk with him/her about how to confess to your wife.

Your wife does deserve to know. You might not feel you can tell her, but eventually you do need to do it.

There is that saying that "The Truth Shall Set You Free". You cannot undo what happened but you can keep it from dominating and ruining the rest of your life. My wife kept huge enormous secrets for 30 years and it ate away at her. The weight of the secrets and deceptions killed our marriage even without me knowing the secret.

Ultimately the truth will come out one way or another. It might as well be sooner because it will be better that way.

The measure of a man is not in the mistakes he makes but in how he deals with them. You can handle this. Find some in-person support with a therapist and keep posting here. We are here for you.


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## sammartin405 (Dec 29, 2012)

Yessongs72 said:


> Tell her, Everyday you don't tell the lie gets bigger.


True .... and she might forgive because I have never been unfaithful for last 10 years. But she would never forget and she will be always at an arms length from me. I love her too much and would hate myself if she keeps a distance from me. Don't know if I should let it pass as a nightmare.


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## sammartin405 (Dec 29, 2012)

Thor said:


> The measure of a man is not in the mistakes he makes but in how he deals with them. You can handle this. Find some in-person support with a therapist and keep posting here. We are here for you.


 Very true ... it is eating me up now. She is out of the country for couple of months. I need to have enough courage to tell her the facts when she is back. GOD I thought I have some values.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Confess, do it now. It's obvious you regret it deeply. It's THE moment to do it.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Let me tell you what my STBXW did. She hid her PA for almost 3 years during a time when we tried to reconcile. In protecting her secret, she distanced herself from getting emotionally close to me, and distanced herself from a lot of family activities. She tried, but she did not want her secret to get out. It poisoned her and poisoned any chance for reconciliation. She is really messed up now and part of that is because she knows that she lied for years.

If you keep a secret like this while trying to continue your marriage, you will be living a lie. Anything you do will be at risk of being unravelled when the truth comes out. And it WILL come out eventually. If not from you, then from somebody else - maybe even the OW. It will be far harder for the secret to come out years from now then if you simply be honest now. You feel remorse. Run with that feeling and be truthful to your wife. Maybe she'll be willing to work on forgiveness. It will be tough, make no mistake about that. But it is better than living a lie.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Before you have sex with your wife again go to a clinic and get checked for an STI. If the girl was promiscuous with you, there's no telling who else she beds regularly. 

When you tell your wife, show her the test results or tell her you are ensuring her health and safety by having tests done. 

If you knew this girl why didn't she know you were married? Does your wife know her? Are you likely to meet this girl again? 

Write an accounting of what happened. How, why, your feelings and actions since. Be ready to offer it to your wife so she can read it if she wants. Do not leave anything out. Betrayed spouses can forgive transgressions but have a difficult time when lies are part of the deception. 

Don't do anything silly. Your guilt is a good thing - but don't act in an irresponsible manner. You've done enough of that already. 

Offer to change your job to one that doesn't involve travel as part of your apology.


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## Brianonymous (Dec 14, 2012)

Do yourself a favor and spill it. I got the trickle truth treatment, which is FAR worse. Each new discovery is a total reset - if not a total set back. Spill it all or spill nothing. Anything in between is injustice.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Well, the fact that you are this torn up over a ONS tells me a lot about you. You're a good guy that made a horrible choice. If you want to recover that good guy status then it starts by being honest again.

Look, there's no way you are going to be able to keep this a secret. Your wife probably already senses that something is off. You are carrying a load of guilt that you won't be able to for long and is more likely than not palpable to her. It's gonna come out....sooner or later.

Sooner is better.


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## sammartin405 (Dec 29, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> If you knew this girl why didn't she know you were married? Does your wife know her? Are you likely to meet this girl again?
> 
> Offer to change your job to one that doesn't involve travel as part of your apology.


 She knew I am married and even she asked about my wife. However, my wife never met her. 
I sent my resignation and about to join another job from Jan. I would never travel again hopefully.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

sammartin405 said:


> She knew I am married and even she asked about my wife. However, my wife never met her.
> I sent my resignation and about to join another job from Jan. I would never travel again hopefully.


"By their action shall you know them"

You betrayed your wife - true. But your actions now are the ones that show remorse. She'll be mad and perhaps unforgiving and she has that right. But this 'real' act of contrition will be reassuring to her. She will see it and your genuine remorse. Have some faith in her goodness, charity, and graciousness.


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

Your first mistake was a guys night out. Married people should not be drinking without their spouses. This leads to lowered inhibitions. 

I feel you are truly remorseful. I am sorry you are in this situation 

You need to tell your wife. This is not meant to hurt her or burden her. 

You must be 100 percent honest and be prepared to answer any questions she may have. 

Understand that your friends, who were with you that night, will be Persona non grata by your wife. It might be best to ex them out of your life as well. Anytime you mention their names or do anything with them will cause her to trigger and doubt you. 

You must be 100% transparent. No locked cell phones or private accounts anymore.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sammartin405 said:


> Hi I am new here. I cheated on my wife and now I feel worse and terrible. Thought of ending my life but I have two kids. The girl knew that I am married but still ended up with me and I didn't have the willpower to say no. Now I am banging my head and praying before God to forgive me. I love my wife and my kids. They are wonderful. I haven't told my wife. Perhaps she will forgive me but she will be bitter always. Don't know if I should dump my guilt on her.


God will forgive you. That's not your worry. Your worry is, will your wife forgive you?

Oh, quit blaming the girl you had the affair with. Do not blame her. Own your own actions. You should confess to your wife. And get yourself and your wife tested for STDs. Yes, even if you only had sex with your lover with condoms, there's still a risk. Reduced, but still there.

Good luck. And for the suicidal thoughts? Seek counselling.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Silverlining said:


> Your first mistake was a guys night out. Married people should not be drinking without their spouses. This leads to lowered inhibitions.


It was not a guy's night out. It was at a business conference.


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> It was not a guy's night out. It was at a business conference.





sammartin405 said:


> I was in another city for a business meeting *and out with my mates*.


sounds like he went out drinking with his mates i.e. guys night out.


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## sammartin405 (Dec 29, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> God will forgive you. That's not your worry. Your worry is, will your wife forgive you?
> 
> Oh, quit blaming the girl you had the affair with. Do not blame her. Own your own actions.


 It was definitely my prob and I am the only one to blame. That is why I am so miserable. 
Its not an affair. I do not even have her ph no and I have never attempted to contact her in anyway. 
It was eating me when I was driving down. But didn't do anything stupid. Don't want my child to grow without a father. Waiting for wife to return and then probably tell her in person. Mucked up my near perfect life.....


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

Start Independent counseling immediately and after DDay mandatory marriage counseling. Be sure to choose a counselor experienced in infidelity and crisis counseling. 


Your wife may ask you to leave. If so, pack a bag and get a hotel room. Tell her where you will be staying, hotel, room number, etc. Let her know you will call her the next day at a specific time. Apologize profusely and be prepared for a barrage of hurtful words. Stand there and take it. 

If you guys make it through this, you may have a stronger marriage with better communication.

Good luck


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## ruiemichelo (Dec 28, 2012)

I lost my innocence and felt like driving my car over the cliff.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

sammartin405 said:


> It was definitely my prob and I am the only one to blame. That is why I am so miserable.
> Its not an affair. I do not even have her ph no and I have never attempted to contact her in anyway.


Sam, pay attention to this group here. Most are betrayed spouses but there are some who were the cheaters, too.

The most common comment so far and the one you'll keep getting is you must not lie to your wife. You must not give her any reason to think you are lying.

The dishonesty is the betrayal far more so than the sex.

A related point is not to minimize or blame shift. Your comment above is a bit of that, so I want to point it out. You had a ONS which _is_ an affair. Not an ongoing _love_ affair, but still an affair. If you say something to your wife that it wasn't an affair she might react poorly. It doesn't matter that you don't have her phone number. It doesn't make what you did any less of a betrayal.

Those are points in your favor that it was not a long term love affair and you don't have any way to contact this woman. But don't use those points to minimize what already happened. I think those are things you hold in reserve for marriage therapy session down the road when your wife is able to start processing things logically.

I think at first you remain factual and take all the blame. Don't try to make it less shocking or less horrible. Answer all her questions factually and completely.

One thing I told my wife when I first asked her if she was in an affair was that I was willing to _try_ to rebuild the marriage but I needed the truth. She denied of course. A few months later my tune had changed to if I find _anything_ she has lied about or deceived me on it would be an instant divorce.

That's what we're all telling you now. When you reveal to your wife your ONS do not lie and do not minimize or blameshift. Do not trickle truth. Your wife may be able to get over the ONS in the past but she will not get over dishonesty going forward.


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## sammartin405 (Dec 29, 2012)

Thor said:


> Not an ongoing _love_ affair, but still an affair. If you say something to your wife that it wasn't an affair she might react poorly. It doesn't matter that you don't have her phone number. It doesn't make what you did any less of a betrayal.


 Thanks for that .... yeah probably I was trying to lessen my burden on my already overburdened mind. I am sick to the stomach. 
I am planning to tell her in person when she returns. Hope I have the strength.
Thanks everyone for your help.


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