# Moving on...looking for advice/support/etc.



## Surfer Joe (Oct 27, 2015)

Hi!

I guess I should start out by telling you all a little about my backstory. I'm 40 years old and I have been divorced since August 2015. I have two children: a son, who is 7 and a daughter, who will be 5 in July. My ex-wife and I split custody and placement 50/50.

The reason I'm here is to "meet" people who are going through the same stuff I'm going through. I have a great support network - but the majority of my family and friends have not gone through this (thankfully). I know they care, but I don't know if they understand.

My ex-wife and I met in early 2003. I was 26 and she was 23. We had both recently gotten out of relationships that did not end well. We were married in August 2006. Our first child, Isla, was stillborn in November 2008 and looking back - I think that was the start of our unraveling. Our son came along in February 2010 and our second daughter in July 2012. My wife said she was leaving in March 2015.

I still don't know why she wanted out. She changed. It feels like something "broker" inside of her. She went from being a fun, caring person to a closed off, cold, detached human being. It is like she is not capable of smiling anymore. She seems to blame me for a lot of her unhappiness and it feels like she harbors a lot of very negative emotions towards me.

I don't understand any of this. I loved her until I was essentially forced to not love her anymore. Honestly, it feels like she simply stopped loving me. We hit a rut - which is something most relationships go through - but instead of fighting through it - she decided she would be happier walking away. I think if there had been mutual love - we would have fought through it - and I tried so hard to save it - but she was never invested in saving anything.

Looking back, I can see how she pulled away. We stopped having a life "together" and I feel like so much of that was her. She seemed to resent the time I spent with the kids. She seemed to resent anything I did. She stopped trying and my biggest mistake was not understanding that before it was too late. 

Here is an example. I started playing baseball again in early 2008. She was all for it. She was excited for me and she always came to my games, but as the years went by it was like she slowly stopped caring. She stopped going to my games and it became something I did by myself. Eventually, she began to openly resent my playing: it was something that took away from her - from our family. She would become upset at me for playing and I cut back on it. My family was always more important. 

That example happened so many times in the final years of our marriage and I just never caught on. I guess I felt she loved me as much as I loved her and that we were experiencing bumps in the road, but we'd be able to handle those bumps because love conquers all. 

How wrong I was…


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Sure, people change as they mature.

And yes, people fall out of love. 

She has become resentful of you. Maybe, because you became someone who she could never be. A person many people like and enjoy. She may feel like an outsider.

Soon, many other posters will come along and ask if she has met someone else {or others}.

Likely, this a a mid-life crisis, MLC. She is looking at where she is in life and with who. What she could be. She is bursting at the seams to break away from everything...."to be herself". Whatever that might be.

The thirties and forties are a critical and difficult time for men and women.


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## Surfer Joe (Oct 27, 2015)

We had a "weird" domestic situation while we were going through our divorce. We continued to live in the same house until our divorce was final - so it was several months of carrying on almost as if it was normal. We even slept in the same bed for most of the time.

This was partially because she had nowhere to go. She doesn't have a lot of family in the area and the family that she does have did not support what she was doing. It was a weird and difficult time. I think it gave me both hope that we would work it out, but it was also so hard being so close…yet so far.

We "shared" the house in September 2015. On her nights, I would stay at my mom and dad's house. On my nights, she stayed by her sister. She finally moved into her own condo in October. I kept the house and ended up "buying" it again so that it is now mine.

That first fall and winter were okay. We managed to co-parent okay. It was hard, but we made it work. This all changed in late-February 2016 when she met her current boyfriend.

I don't know the details of how they met. He was the ex-husband of someone she went to high school with. It happened so quick. I find out she is dating someone and within 2-weeks he and his two boys had moved in. Wow, right?

This guy is a piece of work. Please don't think I'm trashing him because I am jealous or spiteful. I gave him a chance. I really did. 

He is white trash. He has been in-and-out of prison: domestic abuse, violating a restraining order (twice), assaulting a police officer, and so on. He had been sued by creditor after creditor. He had been out of work for ages. Personally, I think he saw my ex as an easy mark and a way to get out of the basement he was living in.

He's been a massive pain in my life. I've had to report him to child services THREE times. He left a hand-print shaped bruise on my daughter's bottom. He left a large bruise on my son's neck and he put feces in my daughter's mouth.

Those are just the major things. There has also been a steady string of punishments (soap in the mouth, standing in corners for hours). He calls them names. Just last week my daughter apologized for being useless. I asked her why she would say that and she told me Hogweed (that is the name I'll use for him) told her she was useless. He also called her dumb in recent weeks.

My ex lives in denial. She says the kids are either making things up or distorting the truth. My kids hate him. My son has asked me if I could kill the boyfriend. It is a bad situation.

The child service reports did not really go anywhere. They were visited and they denied everything. A social worker visited my daughter in school about the feces in the mouth incident, but she did not say anything. When I picked her up that night she apologized because she said she did not tell the man the truth because she did not want anyone to know she had p**p in her mouth.

I believe my kids. I would testify in court that what happened was true. I've consulted with a lawyer, but this "thread" really isn't about that - I just want to fill in the backstory so you all know where I'm coming from…


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## Surfer Joe (Oct 27, 2015)

So this is my life these days. Hogweed hates me. He likes to talk a lot of trash about me in front of my kids. It makes them upset. 

My ex hates me. She hates me for daring to go after Hogweed and she is not capable of confronting the fact that things are very wrong. I mean, just about everyone thinks she is bat s**t crazy and that she has made horrible choices: friends, co-workers…her sister. Her sister won't even allow Hogweed to be around her kids unsupervised.

It has made co-parenting very hard. I'm resentful because I feel like she has sabotaged any chance of us being able to co-parent together. She has become very narcisisstic. 

She is very hard to deal with. She likes to try and bully me. I don't allow it - but that is the relationship we have. It feels very toxic.

I have a hard time communicating with her because there is just no connection and no human warmth. We are no longer raising the kids together separately - we are raising them completely separate and she is so very critical.

I think I do a great job on my own. I've found a ton of inner strength and resolve. I'm pretty happy. My kids love me. I'm active and healthy. I have fun. I really enjoy life…but then any dealing with her just drags me down.


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## Surfer Joe (Oct 27, 2015)

Here is a story that kind of highlights what is going on. My son plays little league. I am not only the director of his league, but also an assistant coach on his team.

This past weekend was her weekend. She asked me to send along his baseball eqiupment - I figured because they wanted to practice with him. No worries. I sent it along.

I did not send his uniform. I did not think he played again until Thursday and I thought I would wash it.

It turned out he has a game tonight. My bad. I made the schedule for all of the teams - I had a copy of it - so did she - it just slipped my mind.

I sent her a text last night (because I no longer feel comfortable calling her). I explained I had his uniform. I explained I thought he had a game on Thursday and that is why I did not send it. I explained that I had washed it and that I would put it out in a bad on my door and asked if she could pick it up during the day.

She will drive right past my house TWICE today as I live two doors up from my son's school. She does not work today. It would be a 30-second "task" to pull into my driveway to grab the uniform.

She would not do it (and this is not the first time a similar scenerio has gone done like this).

It was my fault. "This is why I asked you to drop off ALL of his baseball stuff" was her response.

In a huff - I sent back a sarcastic response saying I would drop it off by her if it would make her day easier. She said "Please" without even catching that I was being sarcastic and basically putting it out there to underscore how lazy she was.

I could go out of my way to drop it off - she could not pick it up ON her way.

This is the kind of s**t I deal with almost every day. It is always something. She creates drama when there is no drama.

It has all become so toxic. I don't feel like I can come to her with anything. I don't feel like I can communicate with her. She is so cold and unfriendly. She is never willing to meet in the middle to help OUR kids.

I guess…after all this writing and backstory…is how do I get through life having to "work" with such a negative person…such a toxic person. 

It is really the only "blight" on my life right now. 

It is too the point where I hate even having to see her. I'm actually dreading going to my son's game tonight. It is her night - she will bring him - and I scheduled some Monday games so she could see at least a few of his games. There is rain in the forecast and a part of me is hoping it rains and the game is cancelled and that isn't right. It shouldn't have to go down like that.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Surfer Joe said:


> We had a "weird" domestic situation while we were going through our divorce. We continued to live in the same house until our divorce was final - so it was several months of carrying on almost as if it was normal. We even slept in the same bed for most of the time.
> 
> This was partially because she had nowhere to go. She doesn't have a lot of family in the area and the family that she does have did not support what she was doing. It was a weird and difficult time. I think it gave me both hope that we would work it out, but it was also so hard being so close…yet so far.
> 
> ...


*If you don't already have a good lawyer retained, then you had better damned well get one!

I would also be camping out in the local District Attorney's office! Your kids aren't lying to you and they need to get out of that environment like yesterday! You are their last lifeline!

I'd be fighting your XW and her lout of a husband for custody until I was absolutely bloody and out of money!*


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

really worrisome/dangerous about Hogweed and your children.
Any chance you could put a VAR into their backpacks to try and get some of this documented?
What does the lawyer say about this -- any chance of getting primary care of the kids (I know it will be a huge legal fight with your ex the say she is)?

Could you perhaps afford getting a PI involved to watch your children when they are over at the ex's house? This would probably have more weight in any court proceedings than any VAR (may/may not be legal where you live to record like that).
A PI may even be able to get info on Hogweed that could get him out of their life.

I hope you put down the idea that your daughter is "useless" and stupid. You need to get across to your kids that YOU love them, what YOU THINK matters, and not what he says. He is an angry abusive person, so they DO have to be careful around him.


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## Surfer Joe (Oct 27, 2015)

jlg07 said:


> really worrisome/dangerous about Hogweed and your children.
> Any chance you could put a VAR into their backpacks to try and get some of this documented?
> What does the lawyer say about this -- any chance of getting primary care of the kids (I know it will be a huge legal fight with your ex the say she is)?
> 
> ...


Thanks for the advice. I'm definitely working on forcing some changes - things will happen - it is just taking time. 

Right now...I'm just struggling to get through my days having to deal with the constant drama.

I most definitely did talk to my daughter. I explained to her she was most definitely not useless or dumb and I keep reminding her of that.

I feel like I have to carry so much extra burden because I have to be everything for the kids - because she is choosing to be nothing - and yes - it is a choice.

...but yeah...he'll be dealt with. Working with a lawyer. Collecting as much evidence as I can - everything gets written down. I hope it will come to something positive - time will tell.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Your kids will know who the TRUE parent is. Yes, a lot of work (but kids are even with TWO parents! :smile2 BUT they are worth it. Sorry you have to put up with this crap. I guess it shouldn't anymore, but I still find it hard to believe that people treat each other so poorly, ESPECIALLY when around kids.


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

Surfer Joe said:


> He's been a massive pain in my life. I've had to report him to child services THREE times. He left a hand-print shaped bruise on my daughter's bottom. He left a large bruise on my son's neck and he put feces in my daughter's mouth.


Sorry, but if he did this (or even accused) with his criminal history he would be in jail. 

I'm out.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I'm there with you, with a similar situation and time line. Except my wife's midlife crisis involved me catching her in an affair. I wish you the best. Do what you can to live your life as a role model for your kids. They'll recognize stability and learn to appreciate you for it. The change in her ability to coparent is also pretty normal as people start developing relationships that change their priorities. Unfortunately, that's a lot harder to deal with. Good luck.


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## Surfer Joe (Oct 27, 2015)

I know. The truly sad part is that she wasn't always like this. It is like she has become a completely different person. She's like a shell of who she used to be. I try to extend at least the minimum kindness - and it never gets returned. I try to be helpful and understanding...and it never comes back to me. It is just how I am.

The legal stuff is being worked on - and that isn't what I really want to discuss in this thread.

I'm just looking for support and advice as I deal with such a difficult person. It is like everything you're not supposed to do as a co-parent...she does.

I wish I could work with her. I wish I could talk to her about the kids. I wish there was a partnership of any kind...but there is none.

Up until this summer - we had split all child related expenses down the middle. It was just how we did it. She has decided that from now on we are no longer doing this. We're to each find and pay for our own childcare and so on. Whatever. I'll make that work - it is just how it was presented to me...the tone in which it was delivered...and I know so much of this is coming from Hogweed. The guy is in complete control in that house.

My job is to keep my chin up and my s**t together and provide the most loving, stable home for my kids. When they're with me - they have my full attention. It is a lot of work, however. It is so easy to get worn down.

I can't remember a time where I did not feel tired. 

The other thing that gets me is that her mom and dad - who I thought were good people - just look the other way (as far as I know). They live in Florida during the winter and then spend their summer in the northern part of our state.

My mom called her mom after the p**p in the mouth incident (my mom was there when my daughter first told the story). My mom told her mom EVERYTHING - yet - they appear to accept him. I don't know what is going on behind the scenes...but if I had any hint that there was something bad happening to my grandchildren I'd be asking some serious questions. It feels like they just don't want to know: no guilt about not being here when bad things went down, no guilt about heading back to the golf course or the lake: everything is fine.

There is just so much that is frustrating and very, very difficult to handle. I wish I could drop it. I hate being driven by so much anger and hate - it isn't like me - and I know it is messing me up. I do see a therapist and I'm working on it - but it should not be this way.

Two weeks ago (on my weekend) my son was sick. My dad watched him during the day, but we had a family funeral in the evening and we were not sure what to do with him. My ex offered to watch him and when that was presented to him he FREAKED out - tears and sobbing. He did not want to go to her house. My 17-year-old nephew ended up staying with him...but how does she not see how toxic she has made everything?


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## Surfer Joe (Oct 27, 2015)

rockon said:


> Sorry, but if he did this (or even accused) with his criminal history he would be in jail.
> 
> I'm out.


One would think. Personally, I have a hard time believing nothing more was done - but the one time I might have been really able to nail him was when the social worker interviewed my daughter at school and she wouldn't confirm it because she was ashamed. It then became a he said, she said thing. 

I wish CPS would have contacted me. I wish they would have asked me some questions...maybe asked for some context.

I will just have to push harder going forward.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

It is time to stop looking to co-parent with you W. She is keeping your kids in a dangerous situation and she should not be viewed as any one to cooperate with at this time. 

I am so sorry to hear about the lack of action on behalf of CPS. Can you not apply for emergency custody, based on this criminal record and observed harm to your kids? Instead of going to the doctors- or actually, in addition to going to the doctors- can you go to the police? My heart breaks for your kids. 

Anyway, you are working on that aspect. 

Regarding the uniform, honestly, you messed up and I don't think she is entirely out of line asking you to take care of it. It's not that you did anything hugely wrong; it's just that she is not going to lift a finger to help you or the kids. It would be better if she could cooperate but again, I think you need to let go of that expectation entirely. The only expectations that are reasonable to have is that she is going to be difficult, and that moving forward your best option is to limit contact and dependency as much as possible.


Definitely continue to stick to text or email. Keep everything, of course. Operate in a way that does not rely on her, because she is not reliable and hopefully you will be getting full custody soon and everything will be on you anyway. Get your support and back-up in place now, it will make it easier on you in the long run.

Hang in there. I hope you can get your kids soon. It sounds like you have family support and that is such a huge thing. Try to do some self-care, however that works for you (gym? Running? Movies? whatever it is that rejuvenates you.)


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Dam I feel so bad for you, this is one of my fears that someone like this will come into there lives and they suffer living with it.

I dont really know what you can do other than what you are doing, being a great dad when they are with you and making sure they are showered with love.

I wonder if you could give the kids voice activated recorders for there room or back packs to catch any of the abuse(not sure if legal)

If this was me I think I would just keep pursuing legal avenues but not sure if you can financially how long that is feasible for you.

Any just wanted to let you know i read your post, feel terrible for you and really hoping you get this resolved for you and your kids.


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## Surfer Joe (Oct 27, 2015)

I’m definitely feeling low this morning. 

This upcoming weekend is supposed to be my weekend with the kids. I am going out-of-town, however, and they are going up north with my ex to spend the weekend at her parent’s place.

I go to the Indy 500 every year with my dad. It is something we have done together since I was 6.

I would love to have started to bring my son, but the circumstances of the past couple of years have made that very tough. It is my plan to bring him next year.

I very seldom (as in pretty much never) do anything without them. The kids come first all of the time. I don’t resent them for that. It is my choice.

I know it is probably good for me to go and do something to try and relax. The tension and stress get to be almost unbearable a lot of the time.

I’m just really feeling bad about it. I hate that I feel “guilty” about doing something for myself. I feel like I’m letting them down because I won’t be there for them and I know how much they look forward to when we get to spend the entire weekend together.

I know they will have fun up north. I know that in reality it is just basically two days. I know I have given up so much for them (again – I always gladly do it).

I won’t make plans on Tuesday or Thursday nights unless I can bring the kids. Likewise, I would never make plans on one of my weekends unless it included them.

This will probably be the only exception to that rule for the entire year.

I just feel so crummy about it. This weekend has been haunting me for months. I tried not to think about it too much, but now it is here.

I’ll get through it. I will have fun – even if I have to force myself to have fun. I know I could use a little time for myself and I know I will enjoy the time with my dad…just wish it was not on my weekend and wish I didn’t feel so guilty and bad and sad and everything else…


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