# unhappy and confused



## katiexx87 (Aug 18, 2015)

Good evening everyone....
Ok where to start. I have been married to my husband for almost 6 years together for 10 we gave 2 children aged 9 and 5. 
We got together really because I fell pregnant and although arguing a lot in the beggining we grew to love each other. In 2009 he admitted that he wasn't legally in the UK and I suggested we got married to enable him to stay and be with us his family, he agreed and we got married. No problems, and I didn't mind to be honest as he is a hard working family man who loves me and his children so I didn't think about me ever resenting it one day or thinking would it have happened if it wasn't for visa issues . Two years later he went on holiday with his brother and was unfaithful, he swears they didn't go all the way however I have my doubts and ever since just can't trust him. It was more hurtful because he went back to his home country to 'do the dirty' and made me feel awkward about going there, as in feeling like the locals would laugh at me and think what an idiot I am. We did go back as a family just this Christmas and I heard through a reliable source that he did indeed sleep with this girl and it wasn't just a couple of drinks and dancing as he has previously described. Since we came back in January I just haven't felt the same, I love him but I'm not in love with him and feel like the only reason I'm staying is for kids and because I don't want to hurt him, you are probably thinking what a fool, but even though he made mistakes, he is a fantastic dad and works very hard. I also made a very stupid mistake last week and ended up kissing an ex when I was drunk, I feel very ashamed of my behaviour and I feel so bad for doing it but I am desperately unhappy and am not sure I want a future with my husband. I really don't know what to do for the best. Confused and lonely. What steps should I take? Is there anyway of separating amicably without hurting anyone? Many thanks


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Unknown, you do not control the emotions of others. Perhaps marriage counseling can help in terms of separation as long as the goal is separating. If you are definitive in what you want, work on yourself first. You want to heal from the pain of this past relationship so it does not affect your future.

I am sure you have developed trust issues, not to mention anger and resentment. You also probably created a wall to keep yourself safe from him.

Stay in control of your emotions when you talk to him. That is why detachment is needed, to stay neutral, to show that you are not doing this out of high levels of emotions, but you have put some thoughts into it. He crossed a line that he cannot uncross.

He has to know that his actions was a catalyst that caused you to detach and love him less and less. His actions have damaged the bond between the two of you.

I suggest if you do separate, not to date anyone right away, perception is reality. Most will think that the only reason why you are leaving him is because you found someone else.

Be honest about kissing another man. You were drunk and you placed yourself in that situation and ask for his forgiveness and still , you want to end the marriae amicably for the sake of the children. Tell him you want to show the children how to responsible and mature adults separate . That making it difficult will only hurt the children in the long run.

Give him time to process this information. Even though he should see it coming, he will not most likely. Be cool, calm, and collective, it helps with how the info is recieved.

In the mean time, take time to adjust to your new circumstances. If he sees you with another person, he may punish you and drag this on. Unreasonable? Yes. Even though he was the one to do the actions that eventually doomed the marriage, the odds of him being rational is slim. Hell, there is a chance of him making your life and your children's hell if you tell him you kissed another man. It might be more feasible if you tell him after the divorce that you kissed another man. You know his temperment better than us posters, so use your own discretion. He may cause more chaos, and not just try hurting you, but the children as well. Hope he is not a vindictive person with anger problems. It is better to deal with this situation in a logical way.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

There will be collateral damage for sure and a 5 year old means 13 more years if its just for the kids. It sounds like infidelity is a deal breaker for you and if so, you probably will have to leave regardless of how much others are hurt. DUDE


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Personally, I would never stay with a cheater. But I know many women who know their men cheat and stay with them. MANY. Just yesterday, H was telling me about one of his friends who has started getting a bunch of guys to go to South America on a regular basis - to party and have as much sex as they want. They have a whole 'system' down on how to email each other about the 'business event' that they're required to attend. They're each blowing several thousand dollars each time they go, renting a $40,000 condo with a stay-in cook and who knows what else. They've invited my H several times, he always says no. But I KNOW at least one of the women and I know she knows. But she's Latina and that's just the culture; she knew it going in. Another guy is Greek and his wife knows, throws fits, yet stays with him. Go figure. 

I mean, I'm sure these women would LOVE to go on such a rich vacation, yet they accept it because of the other 'benefits' they're getting by staying married. 

So...just saying... you just gotta decide what matters to you.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

There is something missing here. When did you build up all this resentment towards him. Was it just because he went back home and you thought that he had slept with another woman ?

As it stands, he did not and he told you the truth, which is what you owe him too. You cannot blame the "kissing the ex" on being drunk and you know that. At the time you wanted to.

So you love your husband (who is a great Dad and hard working husband) but are not in love with him. And it appears that there is someone else (or maybe more than one) in the picture - your ex.

I would say to you to not get into any other relationships just now and definitely distance yourself from ex's or anyone that might be preying on your vulnerability right now, until you work this out one way or another. After all your ex's are ex's for a reason.

Think about why you got together with, had kids with and then married this man. What has changed there. Has he become less loving ? Have you had your head turned by someone else ? You need to resolve this without the distraction of other men (and him without other influences too, like his brother). See a good counsellor (there seems to be a shortage of these in the UK) if you can. Work on your marriage before throwing the towel in!


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## katiexx87 (Aug 18, 2015)

Thank you everyone for your responses.
Man from Lama (sorry couldn't see the rest of your name!I'm a newbie still working out the way this site works!) You are absolutely right and I cannot blame him for my decision to kiss my ex, I was drunk but I was a consenting adult and knew exactly what I was doing. If I'm brutally honest with myself I guess the reason I want out or feel I do is because I'm not in love with him. Yes his infidelity was where things were when I said ok we have serious problems, but if I'm honest it has always just not been right. Maybe it's me I don't know but I know I love him less then I did, and I'm not even sure I want to go to conselling. Put it this way if he walked out tomorrow and said he wasn't coming back I don't think I would be that bothered...If anything it would be relief. I sound like a heartless *****...I'm really not. I think?


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## katiexx87 (Aug 18, 2015)

Mr Fisty thank you also X you hit the nail on the head in your response when you said I cannot control the emotions of others! I will have to expect people to get hurt from this but what else can I do.
Is it selfish to walk away from an 'okish' marriage in the pursuit of real happiness?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

You really need to not "pursue" anything right now until you have had some counselling as to what you are feeling and why. The grass will always seem greener elsewhere and I am not sure you will find "real happiness" anywhere at the moment.

For starters, have you told him about kissing your ex yet? This is a good place for both of you to start and to examine your relationship and then decide if you want marriage counselling. By the way, individual counselling is not to fix your marriage - it is to fix you.


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## katiexx87 (Aug 18, 2015)

I really do not wish to pursue anything in terms of another relationship, I really want some time out to find out who I am and what I want from life. Some counselling for myself would probably be really beneficial, I don't even know who I am anymore. I can't help how I feel though, and I feel like I just want to end it and be alone. I just feel like our foundations were wrong and what with the infedelity on both sides (because I was unfaithful whether I like it or not) and the love gone...what is the point?


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

katiexx87 said:


> I really do not wish to pursue anything in terms of another relationship, I really want some time out to find out who I am and what I want from life. Some counselling for myself would probably be really beneficial, I don't even know who I am anymore. I can't help how I feel though, and I feel like I just want to end it and be alone. I just feel like our foundations were wrong and what with the infedelity on both sides (because I was unfaithful whether I like it or not) and the love gone...what is the point?


I agree, affairs on both sides, BOLT....DUDE


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## katiexx87 (Aug 18, 2015)

Hi Dude...
Do u think I should walk then? 
I really see no future only thing holding me back is fear of unknown and loneliness...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

katiexx87 said:


> I just feel like our foundations were wrong and what with the infidelity on both sides (because I was unfaithful whether I like it or not) and the love gone...what is the point?


Be honest: were you thinking this before you kissed your ex, or after?


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## katiexx87 (Aug 18, 2015)

Most definitely before....I have been feeling like it since January just keep denying it to myself and everyone else. 
I did kiss my ex yes but I believe that was a drunken mistake that just goes to show how unhappy I am, I'm not using my unhappiness as an excuse btw but it's not something I would ever do or consider doing. The problem is, when my husband did what he did we were so happy and content makes me wonder what would happen if we hit another rocky patch in years to come? And the bottom line is I don't feel the same I have emotionally detached from the marriage and only have sex with him because he wants to, I'd rather eat cake to be honest.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You WH will most likely do it again as it is easy to when he is in another country. If he is from a different culture, the attitude towards infidelity may be different.

You have to be straight up with him and tell him, you are very unhappy, hurt, devastated with what he did and you can no longer see yourself in the marriage on the current terms. The problem is you nor he have actually dealt with what he has done, it has been rug swept. You have to bring it out now into the open and he has to deal with it too. If he wants to rug sweep or refuses to see where you are coming from then he is not a keeper.

Tell him you have flirted and kissed another man and with the way things are going don't think you want to be with him anymore after what he has done. He has betrayed you and you have emotionally detached from him (this is perfectly normal).

It depends on what he is willing to do to make things right, what will make things right for you? You owe it to the kids to at least try although your husband sounds like an opportunistic cheater. 
You have to be honest with him and take if from there and you have to decide what you want, a divorce or marriage counselling. In the mean time get legal advice, he probably will not be able to stay in the country if he is divorced.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The reason I ask is that many women are willing to put up with a LOT - especially when kids are involved - but the moment another man enters the picture - literally the INSTANT they see another man as a metaphorical suitor, their image of their husband instantly dips to near worthless and they start to wonder why they stay.

It sounds like you've just outgrown the 'need' for your husband, which came about because you got pregnant. You've grown up, matured, become more self-assured, and of course he's been a putz, so it's somewhat logical for you to be feeling this way. 

I just want to make sure you're not just running for running's sake. There ARE things you can do to fix your marriage, should you choose.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Yes, end it! You will thank me 3 years from now. Remember it's all about bravery!!


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

If that is the way you feel, you are pretty much detached already. If there is not much of an emotional roller coaster, the odds are that you are not highly bonded to him.

Here is the thing, people get comfortable, and it is hard work moving on, so people remain stuck, afraid to move on. It would be wise to let go before you become more entrenched in your current situation. People can grow use to apathy and misery. This makes people vulnerable to more rewarding situations as a new potential partner comes along. They bring the magical feelings along, motivating us to chase those feelings.

His actions change the way you feel about him, and everyone responds differently. Some people only get one chance when it comes to certain situations, and well, he has to live with how his actions have changed your feelings towards him.

So, if he hits you, you would not feel safe with him. That is an example of an action causing the change in one's own partner.

Just focus on what you want, and protect your interest. Odds are, he will not have that in mind.

When you ask if it is selfish for you to leave, is it not selfish for him to keep you from leaving, knowing that you cannot be content with him, and happier being separated?


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## katiexx87 (Aug 18, 2015)

Mr fisty again your words have hit the nail on the head! 
I'm so concerned about hurting him and being the selfish one that I haven't even considered his part if he try to make me stay despite my unhappiness. I just know if he throws the emotional blackmail at me(I have a strong feeling he will) i need to be strong as he will make me feel bad about my decision especially as his culture seems to be one where infidelity is considered 'not that bad' and part and parcel of being a married woman. 

I don't want people to get the wrong impression, I'm not stupid I haven't kissed my ex and thought omg the grass is so much greener. It did however make me think a lot deeper and harder about how I have been feeling and how I cannot live my life to please others. Also I'm not the type of woman to finish over just that one thing, even in the beginning there were issues with him talking to other women and 3 weeks after having our first son I found messages on his phone to another women. This is a build up and I think it just clicked that maybe we aren't in love or even if he is now, maybe it's too little too late. 

I'm also dreading his families response, my family especially my sister have been extremely supportive but I can imagine they will paint me as this terrible woman who has run away from her problems. I just want a peaceful separation where he can have as much access to the kids as he likes, I don't mind too much about money especially when he first moves out and needs to find his feet, and I hope one day we can even be friends and Co parent effectively.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

katiexx87 said:


> I'm also dreading his families response, my family especially my sister have been extremely supportive but *I can imagine they will paint me as this terrible woman who has run away from her problems*.


So? You're divorcing. You'll never see them again. They can b*tch to their heart's content, but it won't matter to you because you'll never be around them again and they will no longer be part of your day to day life.


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## katiexx87 (Aug 18, 2015)

Very true Turnera I need to stop worrying about the insignificant things and worry about the important stuff. 

So its his birthday tomorrow and we have mutual friends coming up the following weekend so my plan is to wait till 1st Sept to drop the bombshell me and kids are off to my sisters for a few days after this so it will give it time to sink in. I'm thinking to suggest a trial separation initially, for his sake more than anything. What do you guys think? 

Also does anyone have any advice on dealing with the children? When do I let them know? What can I expect in terms of emotions, we have 2 boys aged 9 and 5.

Can I just say I'm so grateful for your support everyone I felt so lonely and this forum has been so good! X


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I believe in trial separations, JUST IN CASE he has a come to Jesus moment and becomes the person you wanted (although it's very doubtful).

Just realize that when you do it with cheaters, they very often get giddy at the thought of finally being free to go hunt more women. So be prepared for that. If you're secretly thinking the trial separation will 'fix' things, don't do it - just go for the divorce.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Hmm, be honest and concise. Less potential of him misconstruing the situation. However he sees it, at least on your own end, it is clear.

You're not responsible how he interprets what you send if what you send is clear.

It is up to him to deal with his side of the issues. It is his responsibility to move on, you cannot do that for him. These are the circumstances that is before him and ones that he help create by his actions.

You seem to take to many other people's consideration into account. They are not part of your relationship. What you should consider is your children, your own, and him third. As soon as you end the relationship with him however, your responsibility as his partner ends as well. That is what it means to be separated, certain obligations towards each other end. It is no longer your job to soothe him, or be moral support. The only thing you will have is co-parenting. Let him heal and do not offer friendship if splitting is difficult. He may hold on longer or get mixed signals. It will help him heal faster if you cut all contact unless dealing with children.


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## katiexx87 (Aug 18, 2015)

God I'm so scared! But I know it's something I need to do as Dude rightly said I need to be brave. 

Went to see my cousin who recently got divorced and as she put it I only have 1 life to live. I hope one day we will be amicable but I know initially he will be angry and hurt...I tried to end it in Feb and pulled out because i felt bad, and oh yea lol he stopped me from using 'his car' which resulted in me having to walk about 2 miles to take our son to a party. HINDSIGHT! He did apologise after though and said he only did it to hurt me because he was hurting....so this time around I will ensure I have a car lined up or at least friends to help out until I can get one. X


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

When I broke up with my abusive ex-fiance, he wouldn't leave my apartment. Finally, after a couple hours of harassing me for daring to break up with him, he left. And came back 5 minutes later, and started in again. So *I* left. Only to find out that the reason he left was to disable my car so I couldn't drive away! So I walked about a mile to the closest store (before cell phones were invented, lol) to call my friend, who came to get me (with her dad). ********* then followed me to her house and stayed there all night trying to get me to come out, until my friend's dad went out and told him if he didn't leave, he was calling the police. The idiot was flabbergasted that I would DARE leave him. Even though he'd been cheating on me for 3 years.

Bottom line, tell someone you're going to do it, and may need to call them for help.


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## katiexx87 (Aug 18, 2015)

Thank you Turnera for your advice I'm hoping that by going to my sister's for a couple of nights after I tell him will give it chance to sink in and him to come to terms with it.

Separation isn't easy....relationships are hard work and marriage even harder.
Note to self look into joining a nunnery haha


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My mom never dated after kicking my dad out, in her 30s - he was too much work and she said she didn't want to have to conform herself to another man just to keep HIM happy. She was just fine.


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## katiexx87 (Aug 18, 2015)

I do hope to one day meet someone but for now I'm working on me. That's the thing with young marriage(especially when it was for all the wrong reasons) you change as a person and I'm not the same person as who I was before we have grown apart.

Met with a mum friend who separated from her husband 18 months ago and was very similar she was unhappy and she just didn't love him anymore. She was quite honest and said there are good days and bad, but she doesn't regret her decision for 1 second.


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