# Newlyweds in peril



## tempus fugit (Jan 7, 2013)

Hello,

Me and my wife got married 3 months ago. I am 24 1/2 and my wife is 27. We have been together for about 6 years now. We were young and what you would call "in love" in the beginning, as it was new, fun and exciting. She was my first serious girlfriend and sexual partner. She had a history of previous relationships and partners, though. We were happy together and moved quickly and spent a lot of time together. After about 6 months of dating she became pregnant. After a year of dating she gave birth to our son, who is now 4 1/2 years old, about a year after we got together. Anyway we had a lot of relationship problems through the years, but I loved her very much and still do. She was always pushing me to get married and after five and a half years and some serious consideration I took the vow to become her husband, support her, grow as a family and experience what this life has to offer together.

I could write a book on the roller coaster relationship we've had but will only focus on our marriage and the problems we are facing currently.

I am an addict. I was an alcoholic for about 5 years then traded that in for an opiate addiction, primarily prescription pills. Ive been using them most days the last couple years. I just cant be sober even though I want to be.

My parents, whose relationship has been bad for many, many years, were in financial trouble and needed to sell their home, and subsequently separated from there. My wife and I were living at that home, and when it was sold, we had nowhere to go. We involuntarily quit our pathetic part time minimum wage jobs and moved out of state weeks after getting married. We moved in with my father, who owned a small property, because we had no other options or money, and saw it as a great opportunity to start fresh in a new area, having no money. It turned out to be a very bad idea. We were stuck in a small living space, with not much to do. My wife and my father have never got along, so tension was bound to rise somewhere. My father made it clear we would have our privacy. There was a guest house that was not connected to the home we were staying in, but he ended up staying in the living room and we took the master bedroom. We felt trapped in that room. We were controlled by my father, who also neglects our son and did not want him there. That area was not an ideal place for jobs either, about an hour from a major city. Tensions rose, fighting began, and we could not live with conditions like that any longer.

All this while I was trying to stay clean, I got a couple Suboxone strips to ease the withdrawal and was sober for a few weeks up there and even quit smoking for a few weeks, too. It got very stressful and I started drinking a few nights here and there. After a month of being there in that environment with our son we decided to leave and return back to our hometown.

We got back to our hometown and I started using opiates again but then immediately got back on Suboxone. Suboxone is a prescription drug that is used to treat opiate addiction. It keeps users off opiates by blocking the effects of opiates on the brain. It eases withdrawal, makes you feel normal. When abused, you can get high on it also. I have been taking it ever since we moved back. It makes me feel normal and sometimes I catch a buzz from it.

So we moved back and my wife got her job back. We were glad to get away from that situation and agreed it would not have been beneficial. Since then we have been staying at her parents or weekly motel rooms. We are also on welfare and food stamps which helps a little. We spend most of the money on places to stay. We are struggling financially and I have had to turn to my parents for help. If it wasn't for them we would be homeless.

So that and our past relationship has created the situation we're in.

Me and my wife have been very distant. We have only made love maybe ten times since being married. We constantly fight and argue. She keeps bringing up divorce and that we need to separate. She cant handle me using drugs and tells me its the sole reason for us falling apart. She refuses to try to help me or fix anything until I'm completely clean. She treats me like crap all the time and never wants to talk things out. Ive tried communicating with her many times but she has nothing to say or ignores me. I keep trying to give her support, love and affection and let her know I love her and that I'm trying to do my best but given the circumstances its hard for me to stay clean and motivated, especially when she isn't there for me. She has completely checked out emotionally.

I have a lot of trust issues with her. And for good reason, she doesn't seem to want to build any trust which is what this marriage needs. She has changed her email and social networking passwords and hides her phone from me. She has been very controlling, taking all the money that we desperately need and spending it on things we really don't need. I feel she is using my addiction to blame me for our shortcomings and make excuses for her own behavior. All of this is fuel to the fire of my own self destruction.

I try to be intimate and show affection but she is cold and distant. She says I need to get clean and things will change, but I'm stubborn to do so or believe that. I married her because I do love her very much and I want our son to have both his parents in his life and grow into a loving family. I feel she has no intention to try to work things out and be reasonable with me. She has given up on our marriage and I've seen no effort on her part, physically or emotionally. I know we got off to a rocky start and things are the toughest it has ever been for us, but we are making it more difficult. We have a lot of resentment toward each other but I want this marriage to be fixed before its too late. Our marriage has become stagnant and degenerate. We aren't reaching out to each other or being supportive. I just want to be loved and know that my wife is being faithful and that she wants this family together. I feel abandoned, as I'm sure she does in some ways. We really need each other more than ever right now. I know it was a very long read and there's so much more to say, but I believe I detailed enough information in order to draw a conclusion or give advice and suggestions. Thanks for reading!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Drugs aside, why don't you clean up your life and do something productive with it? What do you do all day?? 

Get financial aide and look into online associate degree's or trade degree's. If you feel very ambitious you could look into going to an actual college. But have a goal and do what you can to get there. You don't really want the sum of your life to be complaining about how your wife doesn't want to deal with your drug problem, do you?


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## tempus fugit (Jan 7, 2013)

Thank you for your response.

I do not want to be preoccupied with my wife's disdain for me. I would rather prioritize bettering myself, but for her benefit also. As for your suggestion, we both went to study at a vocational school and graduated in the healthcare field and have had a very difficult time with it. We were never able to get employed in our field of work, mostly because of our lack of experience. That was when our relationship and struggle really started going downhill. We tried to turn our lives around and found it was not as simple as going to school, getting a degree and a getting a job. Ive been actively looking for work and have got a few part time jobs here and there that never offered much of anything to me. I stay at home with my son all day and spend time with him, play, teach and interact as much as I can for the miniscule amount of joy I have. I feel guilty and responsible for child's own boredom, insecurity and solitude. This eventful life is stemming directly from mine.

The root of the problem is my own psychological and emotional problems as well as my financial struggle, unemployment, debt, and depression. The circumstances of this situation are just constant reminders of failure and misery, that gnaw away at our marriage. Not being stable enough to support myself or my family. We may be shifting our attention to each other to take away the severity of the major problems.

I suppose this is not the right approach. I would like to put marriage first, but it is not easy with these circumstances and I feel I need to repair it quickly before it deteriorates. However other facets need to be addressed during this time like where are we going to live, how we are going to survive and what approach should be taken. I need to address what got us here and why the relationship has failed. I understand love can be challenged in the face of poverty, hardship, stress, worry, uncertainty and failure.

I have learned a lesson from this, hold off on marriage until you have the stability and security, and definitely before having a child!

Good luck newlyweds and married couples, never give up on yourself or the ones you love!


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## <3LoVe<3 (Jan 6, 2013)

You have got to look from her point of view also. From personal experience things are very difficult from her side as well because of all the worries she has. You have to decide which is more important to you, your addiction or your family. Until you decide your family is more important, you can not fix this problem. However, I understand it is hard from your side also...


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