# Should I stay in this for the kids?



## A Better Me (Jul 22, 2013)

Good Morning everyone, I am new here. I've been searching for a place where I could get some input on my situation. It will be five (5) years in February that we have been married. I had three (3) children before the marriage and three (3) during. I've been forcing myself to remain in this marriage because of the children. Our relationship was rocky when we got married. I married him because I thought that maybe if we started living our life by God's laws and desires that things would get better and also because I found out I was pregnant and I didn't want to have another child outside of married. However, marriage didn't work. I stopped loving him shortly after getting married. 

A little info as to how that came about. 

I found him having intimate conversations (via internet and he maintained communication via phone) with his ex. He would lie repeatedly about the conversations he would have with women online etc. Make promises and not keep them. Sneak around and continue communication. He was on the internet non-stop from first thing in the morning to before bedtime. I worked and take care of the home while he sat on his tale. He wouldn't apply himself. I could count on one hand how many times he had left the house to apply for a job within 2 1/2 years. I even enrolled the children in daycare so he wouldn't have any hindrances and could obtain employment. I could go on and on with this but it boils down to this. I didn't see him as a man and I started to lose respect for him. When we were struggling I sold things that I had prior to the marriage just to make ends meet and he would do nothing to help. Wouldn't cut any grass, help someone around their house or anything for some side money, wouldn't sale anything and became angry when I mentioned anything about him saling his things, nothing. He would go and spend money on himself and wouldn't think twice about the family. I would do without just so the babies didn't have to. He just sat back and watched as our fridge grew emptier and emptier. I found myself feeling like his mother vs his wife. He would always need me to do things for him, instead of using his own head or hands to get it done. If something needed repaired in the home I did it. If something needed to be put together I did it. If the kids needed things, I got them. No help with education or discipline for the children. He would not take care of his personal hygiene and smelled horrible all of the time. This just so happens to be my main turn off in a man. I am not physically attracted to him. It got to the point that when he touched me or came to close to me my skin would crawl. He doesn't go to church with us. *sighs* I could go on and on with this. 

Pluses... now that he is working he gives me his check and I pay all of the bills so he is taking care of the family in that sense. He cooks and he will clean if asked (but it is always half way). Example food still on the dishes, clothes left sitting in the washer, (had to toss many mildew stained clothes because of this) some dishes washed others left sitting, trash being placed in the basement and left there etc. He is attentive... but this is a positive and negative. For example, his attentiveness for the most part is pretty much limited to me. Example, if it is mealtime and I am not cooking he will prepare food for me and not the children or he will ask me what do I need and leave the children out of the equation.

All of the things that I mentioned were not an issue when I decided to get into a relationship with him. He did everything he could to "win the prize" as he put it but once we got together he became a totally different person and he admitted to leading me on.

I sat back and made a list of all of the positives and negatives and the negatives outweighed the positives tremendously. We went to counseling and as usual he seems to get it and begins to make a change but after a couple of weeks he goes right back to the way he was before. We eventually separated and it wasn't until we separated that his actions started to resemble those of a man. He would keep himself clean, he would actually do things with the children, he started to go to church, he even took the written test and got his drivers permit. He continued expressing how he wanted his family back and was making a change. Well he lost his job and couldn't afford his place so I let him move back in. After a couple of months I decided to try and see if the marriage would work but shortly after I made that decision he just fell right back into the same shoes he was in when we separated. I prayed and prayed about it. Asking God to return the love that I lost and maybe that would make dealing with him bearable but it hasn't happened. I don't believe in divorce but the truth to the matter is I am a better me without him and in my eyes it is the same way vice versa. He applied himself when we weren't together, he behaved in a manner of an adult and not a child, he took care of himself and became more responsible. I feel being with someone like me is a hindrance to him and his growth because he knows I wouldn't let this family fall. He knows that I will do anything and go above and beyond for these kids and for him when we were together. Being with him is a hindrance to me because I am not at peace within my own home, I dislike it here and I find myself not wanting to do anything to pick myself up. His presence dampers my spirit.

Maybe I am focusing on the wrong things. I've never been married before. Is remaining together for the kids a good thing to do? Should I try counseling again? I know a big part of my problem now is I don't want to try anymore. I don't want to love him. I don't want to have anything to do with him on that level. If we were just friends we wouldn't even be close friends because I just don't deal with people like him, like that. I am just tired, I am 35 and I don't want to do this anymore. Tired of the stress. Tired of bad relationships. Tired of being hurt, being let down. After I lost a son my patience for dealing with these type of negative feelings just dwindled. I just want to be alone. Just the boys and I.... not put myself in a position like this ever again.


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## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

Better Me, I just don't know where to begin. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I understand the feeling of being a "better me" without the hubs. I'm there. But that wasn't your question. 

I'll answer your question with a question. Is this the behavior that you want your children to learn? Is this the type of relationship you want them to have with their spouse when they're grown? If your answer is no, then you know what you have to do. Children learn what they live. Do as I say, not as I do DOESN'T WORK!

Give yourself and your children a chance at real happiness. It's not an easy thing to do. Just had "the talk" with my husband this weekend. It sucks. However, I look forward to much better things to come. Peace and happiness are on the top of that list.

Blessings,
Mattsmom


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## A Better Me (Jul 22, 2013)

mattsmom said:


> Better Me, I just don't know where to begin. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I understand the feeling of being a "better me" without the hubs. I'm there. But that wasn't your question.
> 
> I'll answer your question with a question. Is this the behavior that you want your children to learn? Is this the type of relationship you want them to have with their spouse when they're grown? If your answer is no, then you know what you have to do. Children learn what they live. Do as I say, not as I do DOESN'T WORK!
> 
> ...


You have asked me a very, very important question. I have pondered on this numerous times and especially because all six of our children are boys. To answer your questions, absolutely not! You did pose one question that I hadn't really given much thought to and that was them having the same type of relationship. Wow... I don't want them to believe that they are to be dependent upon their wives or that a husband and wife don't share rooms or have no loving interaction with one another. The thought of them ending up in a marriage where they aren't at peace or aren't happy tugs at my heart. I have to be a better me so I can be a better Mom and stop showing them how a marriage isn't supposed to be.

Thank you for your input and encouraging words. I haven't felt peace and happiness for quite some time and I'm sure my children have felt it in some way or another.

God Bless,
A Better Me


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## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

Better Me, as sad as it is to say, this is my second failed marriage. If there is one thing that I have learned well, it's that I am most definitely a better me when I'm a single me. From the way your post sounds, you've been carrying most of the load throughout your marriage. It may be tight financially (I know it will be in my case), but you seem to be an intelligent woman. You'll figure it out. 

Post here often for support. There are some really great folks on here, both men and women. I've found it a great help to receive input and advice from men. I wish you the very best of luck with whatever decision you make. I'll be here to help hold you up, and I know others will be as well.

Mattsmom


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## A Better Me (Jul 22, 2013)

mattsmom said:


> Better Me, as sad as it is to say, this is my second failed marriage. If there is one thing that I have learned well, it's that I am most definitely a better me when I'm a single me. From the way your post sounds, you've been carrying most of the load throughout your marriage. It may be tight financially (I know it will be in my case), but you seem to be an intelligent woman. You'll figure it out.
> 
> Post here often for support. There are some really great folks on here, both men and women. I've found it a great help to receive input and advice from men. I wish you the very best of luck with whatever decision you make. I'll be here to help hold you up, and I know others will be as well.
> 
> Mattsmom


Mattsmom, at least you know what works for you. I am a better me when I am single also. I don't believe that God meant for man and woman to be apart but I also don't believe that he meant for marriages to be like ours. You are right I have been carrying the the majority of the load and it sucks. If I'm going to wear the pants in the house then why am I married, ya know.

I would absolutely love some support from a man. I truly believe it helps to hear the point of view from the opposite sex. I am hoping I made the right decision by posting on here, I honestly didn't know what else to do and I've been holding this stuff in for years.

Thank you for offering to be there!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You do your children no favors staying in a miserable situation. You say you are a better you away from your husband, and your kids deserve the better you. AND the better him. With all of your kids being boys, it is especially imperative that they do not see you mistreated.


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## A Better Me (Jul 22, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> You do your children no favors staying in a miserable situation. You say you are a better you away from your husband, and your kids deserve the better you. AND the better him. With all of your kids being boys, it is especially imperative that they do not see you mistreated.


I can't argue with anything said here. You are absolutely right they don't need to see that and they do deserve the better me. Thank you for taking the time to read my post and for responding! I really appreciate it!


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## Allltuvx (Jul 16, 2013)

I would just try to figure out how this type of marriage is affecting your children. Have they discussed it with you that they are bothered by this. Are they learning this is a normal type of relationship. Do you both have fights or arguments or tension around the kids - they pick up on this. Children thrive in loving happy peaceful household.


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