# How to Handle this situation



## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

Hey everyone,

I'm brand new to this board. I've been following both Married Man Sex Life and Calle Zorro's program. 

I feel it is necessary to give a proper background before going into my question.

I met my wife in HS. We both worked at the same place. We also went to church together. She left work after a year to care for her brother when her mom died. I met up with her 7 years ago, started dating and 5 years ago last weekend, we were married.

Sex was great early, as it was frequent. Then it tapered. I used to talk to her about it but after a while it'd fall on deaf ears.

I got into Calle Zorro's program 18 months ago but didn't really go forth changing. The last straw came 3 weeks ago, when, at one of her requests, I put candles in our room and made it as romantic as possible. She gave me charity sex. While I took it, I said enough. I didn't want charity sex, I wanted my wife to want me and want to be with me IN and OUt of the bedroom.

She is a great wife except for sex. She supports me, my hobbies and interests and gives me time for them. We like to do a lot of things together too, as we have a lot in common.

The problem is sex. Now after reading this forum, MMSL and Calle Zorro, I realized a lot of it was ME. I have changed my beahviors and just as importantly, my mindset and in just three weeks, I have seen improvements. My wife engages me more, smiles with me more, is more affectionate, etc. For example, when she kisses me goodbye, it used to be a quick peck. Now she holds it for 4-5 seconds and always has a big smile.

Anyway, due to our schedules plus we have kids (1 daughter together and I have a son from a college relationship which she treats as her own), we often schedule sex. 99% of the time, she initiates and we decide on a time. It works for her and gets her in the mood. 

I have two questions: how can I go about getting her to have sex when I initiate (usually refuses but I can see that is me trying to do it on a bad day for her)?

My second question: reading MMSL, Athol says most women like rough sex once in awhile. So I tried this past Saturday to ease into it but holding her hands above her head and pounding her harder than normal (not hurting her). Afterwards she told me it was a bit much. We did add a safeword to our proceedings for the future and she said that while she thinks she would like to try new stuff, she likes it sweet and safe. 

Now I know by no means is three week change going to fix everything and I have to continue to learn and grow. But with W's comments, are there specific things I need to do in order to open her up sexually (if only a little bit? I don't need heavy bondage or whips.)? I would like once in a while to roll over the bed and just have my way with her. 

I apologize for the long post but any help would be appreciated.


----------



## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

Anyone?


----------



## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

jbird669 said:


> The last straw came 3 weeks ago, when, at one of her requests, I put candles in our room and made it as romantic as possible. She gave me charity sex. While I took it, I said enough. I didn't want charity sex, I wanted my wife to want me and want to be with me IN and OUt of the bedroom.


Romance is not seduction. IMO, romance is emphasizing the emotional connection between you and your wife. Seduction, however, is the active process of creating passion and sexual attraction. Seduction is overtly sexual in nature, and both parties know it and (hopefully) enjoy it.



jbird669 said:


> My second question: reading MMSL, Athol says most women like rough sex once in awhile. So I tried this past Saturday to ease into it but holding her hands above her head and pounding her harder than normal (not hurting her). Afterwards she told me it was a bit much. We did add a safeword to our proceedings for the future and she said that while she thinks she would like to try new stuff, she likes it sweet and safe.


LOL, I read those posts and tried the same thing. It backfired completely. My wife is very non-confrontational, including in the bedroom. As such, being rough with her scared her, and not in the "kinda scared in the really hot erotic" way. I honestly didn't even do anything that crazy, but it was still too far outside the bounds of what we'd done before. This is probably what happened with your wife.

What has worked well for me is increasing my wife's confidence in the bedroom. It's easier than it sounds: Compliment your wife on her bedroom performance. Be specific about something great that she did, how great it felt, etc. And don't be stingy with the compliments! How great do you feel when she tells you how hard you rocked her world the night before? I like to do this via text message, because it easily leads into sexting. Sexting is one of the most powerful tools of seduction EVAR. Increased confidence has helped my wife be more daring and more willing to push our boundaries sexually.



> I have two questions: how can I go about getting her to have sex when I initiate (usually refuses but I can see that is me trying to do it on a bad day for her)?


Seduction is an active process. Simply becoming a better man and being romantic ain't cutting it, so as we said in the infantry, "adapt and overcome" (pun intended).

Have you explored what actually turns your wife on? Often times, what we as men think works really doesn't. Chances are, you're "opening move" doesn't do it for your wife. This is a matter of tapping into that most powerful of sex organs: Her mind. Find out what turns her on. For me, it was a simple conversation with my wife, but if your wife doesn't like to talk about it, experimentation and research will help you find out.

I've found that being more overtly sexual with my wife (sexting, talking openly about fantasies, letting her know how sexually desirable she is) has helped a lot. Not just in the bedroom, either. TBQH, I feel much closer to my wife than I have since the wedding. I was treating her more like a good friend than a wife, who is good friend that also happens to be a woman. Turns out she likes to be pursued and seduced.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Turn her down ... gently a few times. Be busy, or tired. Make the contrast about when she rejects you, and punctuate it with; "I'm sure you understand."

I'll give you the lock; she won't like it.

The pursuit part stops being pursuit, and more like management if she is acting as gate-keeper. She knows you want her ... whenever she says so. It's great that you are finding more intimacy. It isn't great that you are putting her in the drivers seat for when that happens.

So change it up.


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Turn her down ... gently a few times. Be busy, or tired. Make the contrast about when she rejects you, and punctuate it with; "I'm sure you understand."
> 
> I'll give you the lock; she won't like it.
> 
> ...


I can't agree with the turning her down part. If she isn't interested, she probably won't be looking for it and if she looks for it just for charity sex, turning her down will just make her think "great, I don't have to put out tonight".

You have to address it straight on. Ask her why she feels that she needs not to have sex with you so often. Ask what her perception of sexual activity is. I bet she feels you two have sex plenty of times and that you always want sex (because you are always asking because you are always denied).


----------



## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

Chris Taylor said:


> I can't agree with the turning her down part. If she isn't interested, she probably won't be looking for it and if she looks for it just for charity sex, turning her down will just make her think "great, I don't have to put out tonight".
> 
> You have to address it straight on. Ask her why she feels that she needs not to have sex with you so often. Ask what her perception of sexual activity is. I bet she feels you two have sex plenty of times and that you always want sex (because you are always asking because you are always denied).


:iagree:

I tried the "taste of her own medicine" approach with my wife. She felt hurt and rejected, but instead of seeing the light and realizing that she had been doing the same thing to me, it just turned her off from sex even more. 

My wife is shy, non-confrontational, and self conscious about her body. It takes her a lot of courage to initiate, so fighting fire with fire was not the right move on my part. It's easy for me to see now how that would not have worked in my particular situation.

I'm not saying everyone woman would respond the way my wife did, just that you should try that method with caution.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I will clarify ... turn down 'charity sex'. Don't do it.

It perpetuates a bad dynamic. Don't turn it down by pitching a fit. Exercise some self control and compassion in the moment, but I agree with Chris, there should be a solid and firm discussion _after_ the emotions of the moment are in the past.

Your being afraid of her continuing to withdraw from you should not determine your actions or decisions. Discovering, or questioning what she sees as the trajectory of your relationship if this remains the status quo is valid and necessary.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

My wife must be a closet libertarian. She's not down with charity.


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

You are her husband, from your post, you are a nice man, you won't hurt her, she has to be confident about this. 

I like slow and sweet sex, face to face, looking at each other's eyes, it reminds me that I am in love with my husband. 

But what gets me wild is rough sex. Missionary rough sex can't hurt at all, if you get the position right, it is really exciting! Recently my husband found a new method, he puts his left arm under my back, and he can get really close to me, the intimate feeling is sweet, the sex feeling is also strong. I am looking forward to our next time. ( Mods will warn me about my graphic, sometimes I don't know what I can write and what I can't!)

Doggy can hurt if you go too deep and thrust too fast, when she says it hurts, it is true. I don't enjoy doggy a lot, it is just for my husband's fun. We don't do it a lot. I enjoy one style, and I think it is intimate. My husband is on my back when he does me! He can go slowly and fast, it doesn't hurt, he says he likes it a lot too! 

Spoon can be intimate and sweet too, you can go slowly or go fast depends how she reacts. My moaning can really tell my husband how much I am enjoying what we are doing. 

When you are trying to give your wife more pleasure, and let her know that, I think she will be happy to let you explore her body. 

When my husband tries something new on me, I don't like it at the beginning, but he doesn't give up, he keeps on trying, after a couple of times, he will find the right spot and the right way, and the one who benefits is ME! 

I don't know how you can convince your wife to let you try! I am adventurous in this area, so it is not a problem for me! But my husband is always gentle with me, giving me pleasure is his ultimate goal, hurting me is the last thing he wants to do.


----------



## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

My wife only did the charity thing once. It won't happen again.

When she does initiate, she's into and orgasms just about everytime. My concern is getting her into it when I initiate. Looks like I have to change my approach.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

greenpearl said:


> You are her husband, from your post, you are a nice man, you won't hurt her, she has to be confident about this.
> 
> I like slow and sweet sex, face to face, looking at each other's eyes, it reminds me that I am in love with my husband.
> 
> ...


Greenpearl, I appreciate a women's perspective. Let me ask you, when your husband initiates, and you're not really in the mood, what tends to get you excited? Is it talking about it all day? A gesture, a word?


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

jbird669 said:


> Greenpearl, I appreciate a women's perspective. Let me ask you, when your husband initiates, and you're not really in the mood, what tends to get you excited? Is it talking about it all day? A gesture, a word?


J,

I am really not the right woman for this answer because I know providing sex is very important for a marriage. 

Sometimes my husband hasn't had his fun for two or three days, he reads something good, he has a good cup of coffee, all these can make him horny, and then he wants sex, I may not be in the mood for sex because I might have had a bad day at work, or I might have had bad experience with somebody. My husband is very understanding. He never pushes the issue, he never feels bad about it. He knows that I am not in the mood because of my good reasons, he usually tries to control his desire. It makes me love him more, it makes me want to satisfy him. And I usually let him have me even though I am not in the mood. I just let him have sex. Sometimes I actually get wild and want to cum too. Sometimes it is only for him to orgasm.

(Never ask somebody for something she is not willing to give, keep on asking it will only make her mad! And she will lose her respect for you!)


----------



## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

Greenpearl I appreciate your response. I think what I need to do is, by my actions and how I treat her, get her into the mindset that you have.


----------



## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Davelli0331 - You are 100% on the money. If only all men would listen to this advice, they would get a lot more passion and sex for their wives!


----------



## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

Davelli0331 said:


> Have you explored what actually turns your wife on? Often times, what we as men think works really doesn't. Chances are, you're "opening move" doesn't do it for your wife. This is a matter of tapping into that most powerful of sex organs: Her mind. Find out what turns her on. For me, it was a simple conversation with my wife, but if your wife doesn't like to talk about it, experimentation and research will help you find out.
> 
> I've found that being more overtly sexual with my wife (sexting, talking openly about fantasies, letting her know how sexually desirable she is) has helped a lot. Not just in the bedroom, either. TBQH, I feel much closer to my wife than I have since the wedding. I was treating her more like a good friend than a wife, who is good friend that also happens to be a woman. Turns out she likes to be pursued and seduced.


Last Sunday my wife and I sexted for the first time. It was hot. Unfortunately her friend kept her out late (supposed to go to a flower show, ended up out to dinner and *****ing about her man), so we couldn't do anything about it. I hope to use that in the future as well as tell her how desirable she is.


----------

