# This is not how planned it



## GoingNoWhereFast (Apr 25, 2012)

I have only been married for 2 years and we have a beautiful baby girl!! after my daughters birth i feel like i now have 2 children maybe i just didn't notice how childish he was before my daughter was born but now i see it so much i cant stand it and he is completely oblivious to his ways so it always turns into me being crazy or its my fault!! i know men have a habit of acting childish but i think my husband is a little much im only 22 and i allready am stuck in a rut!! were living with my mom actually in the process of getting our own place and im actually freaking about it!! idk if i want to take the next step and get our own place or to cut our losses... i am no longer sexually attracted to him as well and it has alot to do with how immature he is!! im lost and confused and im loosing my wits!! I had major plans for my life and i gave it up to have our baby and be with him and now i feel like i lost!! he has no goals no plans for the future...were barely making ends meet as it is now...This is not how i planned my life!!!


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## Mindful Coach (Sep 15, 2011)

Living with your mother is not going to help him mature by any means and could be making the problems worse. Before just throwing in the towel though, you should start to do everything possible to work on your marriage. Look at how you are responding to his immaturity and think about ways of communicating your needs to him that will not make it sound as if you are blaming or judging him. If he is willing to work with you, then you can start to work things out and the sexual attraction should come back when you are not so upset with him. Only after you know you have given it 100% and tried EVERYTHING you can think of should you consider leaving.


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## GoingNoWhereFast (Apr 25, 2012)

I know i do lash out because we talk about the things he does that are immature and he doesn't see it he thinks hes grown...he feels since hes been practically raising himself since he can remember and his mom never taught him anything which is probably where his immaturity comes from but how am i suppose to be the one to help him grow up if hes not willing to listen ive tried writing a list of things he does that upsets me and we talk it out calmly but it never goes anywhere good because he will never admit to them he has an excuse for everything!!


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## GoingNoWhereFast (Apr 25, 2012)

And also we live with my mom but she is never home she has three jobs she leaves before we wake and comes home maybe an hour before we sleep! i take care of the house and everything that needs to be done


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Perhaps rather than paying for a place of your own, you can use that money for both of you to get some counseling?

In the end it's your choice if you want to end the relationship, but it might be worth trying to get some help for both of you before you throw in the towel.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

You are 22? Enjoy it while you have it.

I was a parent when I was 20. A good lesson I learned in life was to "let the little things slide". Your life will be VERY busy for many years to come. You gotta learn not to sweat the big stuff, and laugh at the rest of it!

What I mean by that is really ask yourself whether his actions will cause him to go to jail, hurt someone or your daughter, or cause you great financial hardship.

Things to get mad about:
Spending rent money at the bar
Stealing, drugs, etc
Drinking and driving

Things to let go:
Farting in public
Looking stupid
Smacking your ass in public

If he didn't learn his manners from his mom, he isn't going to be open to learning them from you. But keep trying. Show him by example. Point out when he does do it right (you say he says he's trying) and make an extra effort to show him you appreciate what he has done. 

And don't forget to remind yourself why you are with him. Does he have any good qualities??


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## GoingNoWhereFast (Apr 25, 2012)

To be honest it is sad to say but i cant remember why i married him and as far as good qualities he loves our family and hes a good father... that's it and i have let lots and lots of things pass because they weren't that big of a deal....when i mean immature i dont mean farting in public..or playing to many games i mean the way he talks to people and the way he talks care of himself im still working on him brushing his teeth twice a day let alone if he remembers to do it once...i have to remind him to take showers, do his hair and i practically dress him cuz if i let him go out in what he wanted to wear it would be a disaster (pants with holes in them)!!! I do love him and i want to work things out i just dont know how!!!


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

He needs to get busy getting ready for the rest of his life. He's a father now, time for him to stop being a boy and man up.

I think you need to give him some tough love. Remind him he's a father. Remind him that a father needs to support his child... not just for now, but for the future. Kids cost big bucks to raise, and he can't do that goofing off and wasting his youth.

He needs to go to trade school, get a job with upward mobility (i.e. a career), or college. He needs to get his butt in gear now.

Tell him he needs to get serious about his future, or he won't be in yours.


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## Mindful Coach (Sep 15, 2011)

How about if you start with "I want .....", and explain exactly what you want not what he is doing right or wrong or anything at all about him. He is only 22 and as a 22 year old man, he is going to be more immature than you are at the same age, his brain isn't even finished growing yet for a few more years, so give him a break - state exactly what you want, not what's wrong. When you get what you want, make sure you tell and show him how happy that makes you, for example, "I want to kiss you when you have nice fresh breath", so when he brushes his teeth and kisses you - kiss him extra long and tell him how good he tastes. My thinking is that he will definitely want to keep it up! Also, you mentioned he is a good father and "That's it" - that is HUGE and you can build on that. You love him, but you do not love the immaturity, he loves you but having to hear you constantly point out his faults is not going to help him grow, only pointing out what you want and owning that it is about YOU, then he can have the opportunity to make you happy without feeling like he is "less" for having so many perceived faults.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Mindful Coach, I guess I have to respectfully disagree a bit. At age 22, I had a college degree (which took me 5 years to get) and a career that paid well.

I knew what I wanted and went for it. Lots of 22 year olds do. I went to a college full of them.

Pick a career you want, figure out what qualifications/skills you need, and dedicate yourself. He's got a beautiful baby and a wife to inspire him (though OP you need to make sure you are in his corner should he get started on something good).


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Browncoat said:


> Perhaps rather than paying for a place of your own, you can use that money for both of you to get some counseling?
> 
> In the end it's your choice if you want to end the relationship, but it might be worth trying to get some help for both of you before you throw in the towel.


I agree on the counseling because no matter what you decide you are going to have to co-parent the little one.


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## Mindful Coach (Sep 15, 2011)

Browncoat said:


> Mindful Coach, I guess I have to respectfully disagree a bit. At age 22, I had a college degree (which took me 5 years to get) and a career that paid well.
> 
> I knew what I wanted and went for it. Lots of 22 year olds do. I went to a college full of them.
> 
> Pick a career you want, figure out what qualifications/skills you need, and dedicate yourself. He's got a beautiful baby and a wife to inspire him (though OP you need to make sure you are in his corner should he get started on something good).


Thank you for respectfully disagreeing Browncoat. You are the and I know there are plenty of people that have a great handle on their life at 22, including my own children and many of their friends. You, and they, are the exception to the rule, not the rule. 

He may have no idea where to start on his own career when he is trying to be a father and husband at the same time. I think that would be overwhelming for anyone at any age if they weren't ready for it. 

As they are living with parents and trying to get their lives together, I would have to say they weren't ready and this young man still has a lot of growing up to do. As his grooming and other self care items are not even being addressed by him, I think he needs a lot more patience than just expecting him to grow up when he is probably clueless about what that looks like.

I think if his wife encourages him in the right way (Asking for what she wants, not telling him how he is falling short) will help because apparently he is making efforts to be a good father and I think he will make other efforts to do the right thing by his wife too, he is just not catching up as quickly as she would like for him to.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Why are you telling him to brush his teeth, shower, do his hair, etc? I'm sorry but if you continue to act like his mother he will continue to treat you like his mother. His issues are on him but those issues are on you. If he is not taking care of himself then you need to tell him that you are not attracted to him when he is a slob. Explain that there is a consequence for every action and inaction. Then leave it alone. As long as you keep prompting him he'll always rely on you to mother him.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Does your H have any good strong male role models in his life he can talk to? Sounds like he needs someone to give him a lot of advice, and someone to hold him accountable to how he's maturing into a responsible father.

Sometimes folks take that sort of advice better coming from a same sex friend (seems to be true for both men and women in my experience).

If you're religious, perhaps someone at church might take him under their wing. An elder, or just someone mature. Can even be a retired man, I know a couple of 60+ year old men at church who are just awesome men. They inspire every time I see them, even when we don't talk.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Browncoat said:


> Mindful Coach, I guess I have to respectfully disagree a bit. At age 22, I had a college degree (which took me 5 years to get) and a career that paid well.
> 
> I knew what I wanted and went for it. Lots of 22 year olds do. I went to a college full of them.
> 
> Pick a career you want, figure out what qualifications/skills you need, and dedicate yourself. He's got a beautiful baby and a wife to inspire him (though OP you need to make sure you are in his corner should he get started on something good).


Yea. I was a college grad, a mom of 1, and a night time student to get my teaching credential at 22/23.

When my husband was 22, he had a lucrative career and was making more money than I was when i was 30 :rofl:


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