# I love my wife and need help saving our marriage



## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Need help. I 100% love my wife and am doing everything to fix our marriage. There hasn't been any abuse, cheating, or personal insults.

To start, my wife of 4 years has always been very snappy and very prone to dodging or procrastinating on issues. She procrastinated on everything when she was in college. She has never really had a plan for the future and lives in the moment. I am far more structured with lists and plans.

She is not the talkative type. I am the one who can talk for 2 hours strait when we go out on a date.

The first several years of marriage had a significant amount of arguing. It was me bringing up issues and trying to fix everything in our marriage. I would talk and talk and she would shut down upon trying to bring anything up. I would try to force her to keep talking. I would beg her to tell me how she felt, what she wanted, and what I could do better, but she would wouldn’t open up to me. We started counseling about 7 months ago because she said she was stressed and was thinking of leaving. At counseling, she told me she thought I was controlling, didn’t respect her, didn’t listen to her, didn’t support her, etc. She said she had been unhappy before we were married and for the last 2 years of marriage. Before counseling, she hadn’t communicated this to me, or would say something vague and then shut down again. 

I wasn’t perfect. I would push her hard to try to get anything out of her. I don’t think I was that controlling, but have tried to soften how I talk to her. We are both very opinionated, so its hard for me to show her I listen to her and respect her. It feels like if I don’t chose her opinion over mine that she feels disrespected.

Once at counseling, she had a hard time articulating how she felt, what I was doing wrong, and what I needed to do to fix it. In the mean time, I softened my tone with her, tried to take in as much as I could, and she slowly opened up. At counseling, she would say that she doesn’t feel respected. I would ask what I do to make her feel not respected, and she wouldn’t be able to come up with an example or explain further what I was doing wrong and what I can do better. 

We took about a 1.5 month break from counseling. She got a new job that was very stressful. We were busy and I thought things were going well. We had a fight, and everything completely broke down. Before we could get in for another session, she told me for the first time about HOW unhappy she has been and for How long. She said wanted to separate or get divorced. I worked INCREDIBLY hard on the marriage, and she stayed for about 2 months and thing have gotten vastly better. 

However, she wants to move out. She says she is so totally overwhelmed that she isn’t able to work on the relationship. This is killing me; I’m crying almost every time I look at her. I’m doing 110% of what i can for our marriage. I’m reading books, looking at this site and others, doing all the chores, writing everything she says down about the marriage and going over it, talking to her about how she feels as often as she can stand it, etc.

She has said that she is going to move out soon to get space to think. I’m a wreak. I cry all the time, but am still keeping up with any chores or anything to make her less stressed. Its been really hard to have her tell me how unhappy she has been. I really didn’t know the extent of it since she would never talk or open up to me.

So, please any advise or help.
If or when she moves out, what is the best way to respond? Do I just keep the home clean and try to give her space and support her.
I’m really afraid that she will procrastinate on this. She really has avoided any issue in our marriage (for months or years) until she explodes in anger. I don’t know if I can hold out hope for as long as she may need.
Any other help or advise is greatly appreciated.


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## missb (Nov 21, 2010)

Your situation sounds a lot like mine. My whole marriage I have been pushing my quiet, unmotivated husband to put more of an effort into our relationship, planning time together, being a more active person in our marriage, etc. He resisted me the whole way. We went to counseling for 6mos+, every time he would say he just wants to be us to be happy, but couldn't articulate what he thought would make us happy. I read books, searched online, found different ways to deal with my growing anger and resentment, all the while he took no part in doing the things I wanted him to do. My anger just made things worse in the long run, so much so that he finally gave up and said he wanted to divorce. We've been seperated for almost 2 months now. So, the point I'm trying to make is that while we may want somebody to react in a certain way when we do things, we do not have control over their actions, only they do. Your wife will change when she wants to, maybe after you give her space, maybe not. The course you are going is probably going to make a reconciliation less likely. I've been trying to push my husband towards a reconciliation, but he says he just wants space. I've recently started to back off and give him that space, and things between us have been nicer. People who are like your wife really do need time alone. It's hard for people like us who want/need action to understand, but we have to give them what they need sometimes. Just my opinion...


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Thanks missb for the response, and best of luck in your marriage.

My wife said she can't commit to reconciling after 2-3 months that she plans on moving away, but things have been improved. She is going to be nearby and we are going to spend time on the weekends. When we have talked recently, its been good, but its a struggle with me being very talkative and her having a hard time expressing herself.


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## sbbs (Sep 21, 2009)

*anx*--are you back in counseling? If so, does your wife feel good about the counselor you guys go to? 

What you're going through sounds really terrible. I hope you and your wife manage to work it out.

If she says that you're controlling, while you say that she just won't tell you how she feels, maybe a change in your conversational style might help. You've already told us that she tends to be quiet, while you can talk for 2 hours straight on a date. Perhaps what you see as lively conversation, she sees as your attempt to dominate the conversation by overwhelming her with constant talk.

The next time you talk with her, maybe you could just say something, and then let the silence be for a bit, even if it feels uncomfortable to you. Just wait patiently. You may find that, after a little of this, it's easier for her to talk with you. 

As you know, you probably can't fix your marriage just by changing how long you pause in a conversation. It might take a while before she lets her guard down enough to really converse with you at all. But it might help day-to-day discussions after a while. And that could lead to more comfort in the big, significant conversations about how each of you feels and what each of you needs.

Good luck to you.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

We are still going to counseling. I'm pretty sure my wife likes the counselor we are going to. I think part of the reason this all blew up a 2nd time while we were in counseling is that my wife isn't good at knowing what is it she wants and communicating it, even with the help of a counselor. This has been a lot better in the past few months.

You are absolutely correct that I would dominate the conversations and she would feel overwhelmed. I think this is the main damage that I caused in our marriage. She has felt overwhelmed and not listened to or respected because of this dynamic between us.

The conversations have been a lot better with me trying to give her as much time to talk as possible and me waiting uncomfortably. We are realizing how big of a gap there is between us. Our familys exemplify this well. My family can talk for 6 hour strait w/o stopping for air, and she feels overwhelmed when we go there for holidays. When we are with her family, waiting 2 minutes between anyone saying anything or conversation make me feel awkward, and its stressful for me to try not to just talk about anything to fill the gaps. 

She said the reason that she isn't able to commit to reconciling is that she isn't sure that the changes I made are authentic and here to stay. I've said that they are, but I guess only time can show her its real.


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