# Getting my nice guy husband on board with my fantasy...



## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

Say you were a wife with one remaining totally doable fantasy, rough sex. And I mean ROUGH sex! And say you're married to a really really nice guy, and I mean this in the very best way. Not too Beta, whimpy nice, but "never ever mistreat a woman" nice. A man who hardly raises his voice to his wife, even when she really does deserve it. 
How in the world would you get a man like that on board with your fantasy?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

talk to him and discuss measures on how to do it safely

also-work your way up to the level of roughness you want


my wife also has a "ravage" fantasy (I don't say rape fantasy because that isn't consensual by definition) and I found it intially hard to do at first because I had no interest in hurting her but we worked our way into doing what she liked while keeping me comfortable- her dirty talk during sex certainly helps as it gets me going to do it harder or faster or smack her butt, etc and it gives me an indication of what she wants


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I'm a recovering Nice Guy - hence the name.

My concern with rough sex - which my wife didn't seem interested in until the end was very near - was that I would push things too far.

I think spanking is a good place to start. Go out and buy a "riding crop" style toy - maybe send him a text with a story about how you've been a bit bad(?) AND with a clear SAFEWORD signal. Then later - at bedtime - leave the crop out - wear a short top and nothing on bottom.

Must admit that I never considered my wife might enjoy a good spanking until reading stories LIKE YOURS here on this board! Came to be something we BOTH really enjoyed, thanks to my having been on this board.

But like Almost said above - you aren't going to get him to come home one day and simply ravage you. You'll need to find ways to build to it.

Safeword is a must. Start small - let him know how "good" it feels and that he's not really hurting you.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

IIRC, Athol Kay has some stuff about this over on Married man sex life. Might be worth a look.

Keep in mind that your husband probably spent all of his formative years having the idea that you do _*NOT*_ do rough sex knocked into him with the psychological equivalent of a lump hammer, though. It might take a while...


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## Jen S (Nov 10, 2011)

I've struggled with this with my husband. I really want him to do that kind of thing in bed, but he just has an almost fundamental opposition to it. I don't think he's submissive so much as thoroughly unable to grasp the concept that some women want to be handled that way under the right circumstances. I wish I had a solution to it, but usually I just have to keep asking him to do it--which kind of removes the whole point of the thing. 

I've had more success with getting him to try other fantasies of mine. He's very much a plain vanilla type guy so he has few out there interests of his own. But I've gotten him to try a little bit of the pink fuzzy handcuffs (on me) kind of thing. Sex toys he also goes along with now, but originally he was really intimidated by the whole thing. 

Other fantasies I have like threesomes are ones I've read best stay just verbal fantasies so I'm fine with that. I want to try exhibitionism at some point but I have to figure out how to do that without hurting his feelings or getting him too upset with me. The last thing I want to do at this point is bring up some dumb fantasy and have him hurt.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

OMG Ok, I am a Beta learning how to become more Alpha (about 2/3 of the way through "The married Man's Sex Primer") but all MY wife would have to do is tell me and she would have it!!!


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

I'mAllIn,

Having been a nice guy and vanilla once upon a time, it can be difficult to have the paradigm change you need of your husband. I would suggest a couple books for him to truly understand that since you are willing to give control to him and allow him to do this, that your level of emotional intimacy will grow. To kink, is to be completely honest with each other about your deisres and fantasies which to me creates an incredible bond.

There are many books on the psychology of emotional control. One is Living M/s which is available at Amazon. Another is Damn the Roses, Bring on the Thorns, although this book goes into more kink details whereas the former is about the emotional aspects of a 24/7 Master/slave relationship (And the connotations you are thinking with that terminology are all wrong). And as another poster mentioned Atholk's blog marriedmansexlife.com has discussions and links to othe materials. 

I think you just need to communicate with him more and more about it. Do some research and find materials for him to really understand that there are women that truly desire kink. Heck rent the movie The Secretary and watch it together.

Anyway, just my two cents.

FA


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

Sawney Beane said:


> IIRC, Athol Kay has some stuff about this over on Married man sex life. Might be worth a look.
> 
> Keep in mind that your husband probably spent all of his formative years having the idea that you do _*NOT*_ do rough sex knocked into him with the psychological equivalent of a lump hammer, though. It might take a while...


This is EXACTLY the problem for him, he was raised in a fundamentalist Christian home. The idea of laying a hand on a woman in anything but a loving, respectful way is just incomprehensible to him. Luckily he left the religion as a young man, before we met, and our sex life has not suffered at all. He has had no hang ups, but this might be a line he just can't cross. 
I've been reading MMSL for a little while, and I've read his suggestions. The only one of his suggestions I haven't tried is to pick some porn of that variety and watch it with him, but that really makes me extremely vervous. If he totally hates it then I've pushed too far too fast and I can't un-go there. Well, the only other suggestion Athol had that I haven't used is to just get him to read MMSL, and I'm on the fence about that too. Could be a good thing, could go real bad real fast.
I guess probably the best suggestion is to just start slow and try to gradually ease him into it, although I could die of old age by the time we get even close to where I hope to go. Without giving TMI I'll just say we've been stuck in the same spot in the shallow end of the pool for a while now.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

I'mAllIn said:


> This is EXACTLY the problem for him, he was raised in a fundamentalist Christian home.


That is similar to our story, although not raised that way, we spent 14 years in fundamentalist churches. We still are Christ followers, but have a completely different paradigm of what that means. It took my wife many years to open up sexually. We can both thank a good friend of ours at a church we were going to. She was awesome and helped my wife to lighten up sexually. We joke when she gets a bit "uptight" that it is time to go see "so-and-so." We could talk about anything sexually with her. The "church" has not done a good job of teaching sexuality.

Be that as it may, maybe you could find a good book on sex and read it together. We do that and have discovered many great tools to add to our sex life. That may be easier than a DVD for him right now.


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

romantic_guy said:


> OMG Ok, I am a Beta learning how to become more Alpha (about 2/3 of the way through "The married Man's Sex Primer") but all MY wife would have to do is tell me and she would have it!!!


All she'd have to do is tell you? I just can't even find the right words. I haven't even gotten all the way through that conversation in my own head, let alone say it out loud


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

In addition to telling him what you'd like along the lines of rough sex, also let him see you respond in a positive way during sex when he does something that approaches what you'd like (even distantly.)

Case in point: Since beginning our R, my wife has been embracing her own wilder side, enjoying rougher sex. In the past, we've indulged in some light bondage and spanking, but we went out and bought some bondage ropes from the local sex shop. She had a small, light whip-like crop, but got a larger one. More along the lines of my suggestion, though, in the middle of the action, my hand moved across her neck, and she gasped and moaned in a very receptive way. Afterwards, I asked her about it - she said that she wanted me to choke her a bit. Now, that's completely counter to any thoughts I'd ever had on how to treat a woman. But, safe word in place, we tried it soon after, and she quite enjoyed it. I still don't get it...does nothing for me (except seeing how she responds to it). It's made us both more receptive to cutting loose a little more than we have in the past.

You both need to be on board, but if you let him see that you enjoy an "entry level" variation on something, then let him know that your reaction will continue to escalate as he gets closer to the rougher acts you're interested in, he may be a little more encouraged to indulge you than just from hearing you say you might like it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I would think it will be a slow work up to the type of sex you want, seeing that he isn't the aggressive type.

How rough do you want it? My husband and I like it rough, but he's a "take it" kind of guy, which I like. It's hard to fake that.

I would say to mention it to him, that you think it would be fun to have him get aggressive in bed and then talk about what that means. Don't be worried if he doesn't do it for a while...it has to come from within to really make it good. He'll have to work himself up to it to make it 'real'.

Or maybe he'll blow your mind and say he wants to do it too


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I'mAllIn - My wife tells me the same thing you are telling your H and as has been said - it's a hard paradigm to change. My hard wired programming to never harm a woman or even be disrespectful makes it an extremely uncomfortable place for me to go which we all know is not conducive to good sex. It's not that I don't want to - I'll give anything a try that's important to her. We seem to wind up in this same place where I'll try lightly smacking her on the butt or pinching her nipples a little harder and she'll say it's good but we seem to get stuck there. I don't know if she doesn't know what she wants beyond that, if she doesn't know how to say it, or just thinks its my job to figure it out. The thing is it's such a paradigm shift that I need some hard core (no pun intended) encouragement and direction at least the first time or two. Once I can get some idea of what the playing field looks like I'll take it from there but it's just so different from the way I've been programmed that I need a couple of road signs to start. 

So my advice would be to talk to him and when he does something right let him know - over the top - make sure he knows you like what he's doing. It may defeat the purpose a time or two but maybe he'll catch on and take over once he builds just a little comfort. IMO the safe word is a good idea, I asked my wife about this and she blew it off. If we had it in place I would feel much better about pushing the boundaries with less direction from her.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

sigma1299 said:


> So my advice would be to talk to him and when he does something right let him know - over the top - make sure he knows you like what he's doing...IMO the safe word is a good idea, I asked my wife about this and she blew it off. If we had it in place I would feel much better about pushing the boundaries with less direction from her.


The proper reaction will do so much more for you than anything you'll get him to read in a book or a blog.

Although once he understands, you could point him towards MMSL.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Have you tried taking all your clothes off, walk up to him, smack him a few times across the face and then kick him in the groin? Walk away, look back at him and wink.


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

aug said:


> Have you tried taking all your clothes off, walk up to him, smack him a few times across the face and then kick him in the groin? Walk away, look back at him and wink.


:rofl::rofl::rofl::smthumbup::rofl::rofl::rofl:
[email protected]!


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I would think it will be a slow work up to the type of sex you want, seeing that he isn't the aggressive type.
> 
> How rough do you want it? My husband and I like it rough, but he's a "take it" kind of guy, which I like. It's hard to fake that.
> 
> ...


In order to not be overly graphic I'll just say that I want it rough enough that I'm not interested in a "safe word". That's why I wonder if he'd ever be comfortable with it.




sigma1299 said:


> I'mAllIn - My wife tells me the same thing you are telling your H and as has been said - it's a hard paradigm to change. My hard wired programming to never harm a woman or even be disrespectful makes it an extremely uncomfortable place for me to go which we all know is not conducive to good sex. It's not that I don't want to - I'll give anything a try that's important to her. We seem to wind up in this same place where I'll try lightly smacking her on the butt or pinching her nipples a little harder and she'll say it's good but we seem to get stuck there. I don't know if she doesn't know what she wants beyond that, if she doesn't know how to say it, or just thinks its my job to figure it out. The thing is it's such a paradigm shift that I need some hard core (no pun intended) encouragement and direction at least the first time or two. Once I can get some idea of what the playing field looks like I'll take it from there but it's just so different from the way I've been programmed that I need a couple of road signs to start.
> 
> So my advice would be to talk to him and when he does something right let him know - over the top - make sure he knows you like what he's doing. It may defeat the purpose a time or two but maybe he'll catch on and take over once he builds just a little comfort. IMO the safe word is a good idea, I asked my wife about this and she blew it off. If we had it in place I would feel much better about pushing the boundaries with less direction from her.


Road signs it is then. I'm always the one saying we should be able to communicate, so I guess it's time to take the lead on this. I'll just either tell him what I'm thinking and see what his reaction is, or try the texting idea that NiceGuy had.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

If it is rough, you need a 'safe word'. 

I take it this is a fantasy, where in the end, you are still alive.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I'mAllIn said:


> In order to not be overly graphic I'll just say that I want it rough enough that I'm not interested in a "safe word". That's why I wonder if he'd ever be comfortable with it.


The safe word isn't for you - it's for him. It gives him some comfort that if he does push to far you can tell him. After all in rough sex no can mean yes right?? If he's like me he's so scared of hurting you or doing something that you find demeaning or just painful that he's frozen. If there's a safe word in place as long as you don't say it he can have some reassurance that it's still green lights.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I'mAllIn said:


> In order to not be overly graphic I'll just say that I want it rough enough that I'm not interested in a "safe word". That's why I wonder if he'd ever be comfortable with it.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You understand - the safeword is something like "Banana" or "Orangutan" - right? Not "no" or "please stop"!!!

Just like you have a small fear of scaring him with your fantasy - he will also have a fear of scaring you with his. That safeword will keep him comfy.


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> If it is rough, you need a 'safe word'.
> 
> I take it this is a fantasy, where in the end, you are still alive.


Yes indeed, at the end of the fantasy in my head I am still alive to enjoy it again another day



nice777guy said:


> You understand - the safeword is something like "Banana" or "Orangutan" - right? Not "no" or "please stop"!!!
> 
> Just like you have a small fear of scaring him with your fantasy - he will also have a fear of scaring you with his. That safeword will keep him comfy.


Ok, I get it, a safe word it is. 
Being married to a woman who came into the marriage with an instinctive, hardwired and completely unhealthy need to remain in control at all times he learned a long time ago that he'd have to push "no" and "please stop" a little for either of us to enjoy the sex, so I guess that's probably a very good idea.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

To be honest, I attended a conservative church for many years after marriage, and I'm a guy, but just don't understand what goes on in the mind of a 'nice guy' sometimes. Has he ever gotten mad enough at another guy that he just started pushing? He has to channel that. But he needs a safe word, and maybe some more subtle verbal signals from you along the way that you are okay with it. Make it taunting words, but I think that he needs to ramp up those agressive feelings, urged on by your signals, to let him know that it is safe to continue.

I wonder if the mental block is also linked to the way he touches you. Like the distinction between touching and pushing, holding. How about letting it get a little more intense in the shower together first? He could get used to the idea of 'handling' you physically through intense sex, and making sure that your feet don't touch the floor. Kitchen sex?

To be honest, my wife and I have always enjoyed a pretty physical sex life, with it a little rough.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Halien said:


> To be honest, I attended a conservative church for many years after marriage, and I'm a guy, but just don't understand what goes on in the mind of a 'nice guy' sometimes. Has he ever gotten mad enough at another guy that he just started pushing? He has to channel that. But he needs a safe word, and maybe some more subtle verbal signals from you along the way that you are okay with it. Make it taunting words, but I think that he needs to ramp up those agressive feelings, urged on by your signals, to let him know that it is safe to continue.
> 
> I wonder if the mental block is also linked to the way he touches you. Like the distinction between touching and pushing, holding. How about letting it get a little more intense in the shower together first? He could get used to the idea of 'handling' you physically through intense sex, and making sure that your feet don't touch the floor. Kitchen sex?
> 
> To be honest, my wife and I have always enjoyed a pretty physical sex life, with it a little rough.


Interesting - hadn't thought of it like that....

You know the more I know about the whole "nice guy" thing the more I think I may be one. :scratchhead:


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

Halien said:


> To be honest, I attended a conservative church for many years after marriage, and I'm a guy, but just don't understand what goes on in the mind of a 'nice guy' sometimes. Has he ever gotten mad enough at another guy that he just started pushing? He has to channel that. But he needs a safe word, and maybe some more subtle verbal signals from you along the way that you are okay with it. Make it taunting words, but I think that he needs to ramp up those agressive feelings, urged on by your signals, to let him know that it is safe to continue.
> 
> I wonder if the mental block is also linked to the way he touches you. Like the distinction between touching and pushing, holding. How about letting it get a little more intense in the shower together first? He could get used to the idea of 'handling' you physically through intense sex, and making sure that your feet don't touch the floor. Kitchen sex?
> 
> To be honest, my wife and I have always enjoyed a pretty physical sex life, with it a little rough.


I have seen him get angry enough at men to push, but only a handful of times in 20 years, and most of those times were the result of the men pushing or disrespecting me.
We do most definitely have "intense sex" often already. He isn't really a missionary position/slow & easy kind of guy. I guess I just need to make it clearer that it's ok to push it farther. 

Along the lines of signals and taunting words, I have considered the following "game", and wonder if you guys think it would work or not. The idea actually came from the MMSL blog and the idea that he needs his wife to not be so "easy" sometimes. I've considered one night when we've been texting and teasing all day starting a "play fight", come on to him and then say no, tease and run, and see if he'll finally forcefully take what he wants. Could end very very well, but might not. What are my chances?


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

My wife and I are slowly and carefully exploring the rougher and riskier side of sex.
I am the sexually adventurous one, so I am going extremely slow with it.
It has progressed only to the "f**k me hard" and "ooh harder" stage from her right now. I think it will continue to get a little rougher slowly, because she does enjoy it, but I think the old ways are really hard for her to change.
My advice is to take it slowly and gradually. I doubt he'll break out the whip and nipple clamps right away, but he might later if you bring him in slowly.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I'mAllIn said:


> I have seen him get angry enough at men to push, but only a handful of times in 20 years, and most of those times were the result of the men pushing or disrespecting me.
> We do most definitely have "intense sex" often already. He isn't really a missionary position/slow & easy kind of guy. I guess I just need to make it clearer that it's ok to push it farther.
> 
> Along the lines of signals and taunting words, I have considered the following "game", and wonder if you guys think it would work or not. The idea actually came from the MMSL blog and the idea that he needs his wife to not be so "easy" sometimes. I've considered one night when we've been texting and teasing all day starting a "play fight", come on to him and then say no, tease and run, and see if he'll finally forcefully take what he wants. Could end very very well, but might not. What are my chances?


This could get you closer, I think. I can definately tell when my wife is in the mood for a little rougher sex. She'll be teasing, but tell me that she's not sure I'm man enough, or will pretend to have changed her mind, yet in a way that is obviously not what she wants. I get a little physical, tearing off the clothes, and well .. you get the idea. Of coures, I've also made love to her when she was really upset with me, and its a little more real, and intense. 

I don't personally get into choking or anything, though. Just a former tough guy.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Halien said:


> To be honest, I attended a conservative church for many years after marriage, and I'm a guy, but just don't understand what goes on in the mind of a 'nice guy' sometimes. Has he ever gotten mad enough at another guy that he just started pushing? He has to channel that.


Halien, I'm not sure how this helps. Most men, if pushed hard enough / in the wrong way by another man will push back, but the idea of NOT doing it to a woman is so deeply ingrained that no matter what the provocation they won't. To suggest he gets to the point that he's so wound up he's prepared to do something he would probably regret afterwards isn't a long-term plan.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

I'mAllIn said:


> Along the lines of signals and taunting words, I have considered the following "game", and wonder if you guys think it would work or not. The idea actually came from the MMSL blog and the idea that he needs his wife to not be so "easy" sometimes. I've considered one night when we've been texting and teasing all day starting a "play fight", come on to him and then say no, tease and run, and see if he'll finally forcefully take what he wants. Could end very very well, but might not. What are my chances?


If he's grown up with the idea that no means no, no matter what, how or anything else, all you'll do it make him resentful. He'll perceive you as a teasing something, and be on here complaining about the mixed messages you send, feeling totally certain that if he pursues once you say "No" he's going to find himself, divorced, jailed, stabbed or all three.


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## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

If I were in that situation it would be a matter of communication and easing into it. Maybe ask him to do some light spanking or bondage. They make some very unassuming, yet secure, bondage accessories now that use velcro. Ropes and leather are too hard core for me but if she go that and told me to secure her I could handle that. Or start by asking him to hold your wrists next time.

Maybe write him a story including your fantasy and leave it on his pillow? Put your perfume on it and big red lip marks.

Or if you guys are able to talk about bedroom stuff outside of the bedroom (I mean in a non-sexual setting) then ask him what his fantasies are, then tell him yours. Start slow and see what his reaction is. Maybe make it a game where over the length of a weekend he has to spank you but the timing and place are up to him.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

the problem with safe words is that the wife can't speak when she's getting choked

(I'm kidding!!)


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> the problem with safe words is that the wife can't speak when she's getting choked
> 
> (I'm kidding!!)


:lol::lol: Good point. Maybe keeping a white flag of surrender nearby would also be a good idea.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I'mAllIn said:


> :lol::lol: Good point. Maybe keeping a white flag of surrender nearby would also be a good idea.


You could also "Tap Out" if speaking is difficult!!!

Three hard fairly rapid taps - symbol for "I quit" in MMA.

Probably easier than the flag.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

hmmmm....3 taps you say? Maybe that would have been better that having her say the safe word using morse code?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

---...---

Anyone know their morse code??


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> ---...---
> 
> Anyone know their morse code??


SOS isn't our safe word, it's "sesquipedalianist"


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> You could also "Tap Out" if speaking is difficult!!!
> 
> Three hard fairly rapid taps - symbol for "I quit" in MMA.
> 
> Probably easier than the flag.


Ya that's one reason we'll never use a white flag. Turns it into a contest, and I'll never surrender.....NEVER EVER EVER TAP OUT! EVER!


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Well you have said in the past that you have a tendency to get long winded...

Now drawing a mental picture of someone being choked trying to say sesquipedalianist and it's making me laugh.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Almostrecovered said:


> SOS isn't our safe word, it's "sesquipedalianist"


Characters do not exist on my keyboard to type the safe word from the movie Eurotrip.

But ours is "BURMA!"

Extra points for anyone who gets the reference.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Monty Python?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I'mAllIn said:


> Ya that's one reason we'll never use a white flag. Turns it into a contest, and I'll never surrender.....NEVER EVER EVER TAP OUT! EVER!


:smthumbup:


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Bingo! Not only is it unlikely to be said naturally during sex, but the follow-up exchange makes it perfect, contextually:

-"Why'd you say Burma?"
-"I panicked."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

plus the image of Graham Chapman in drag will stop the sex drive pretty quick


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

almostrecovered said:


> plus the image of graham chapman in drag will stop the sex drive pretty quick


burma!


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

As awful as this sounds I could never do that with my wife it would feel so staged and like I'm reading a script. I could not do .........


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> You could also "Tap Out" if speaking is difficult!!!
> 
> Three hard fairly rapid taps - symbol for "I quit" in MMA.
> 
> Probably easier than the flag.


We "tap out" lol. Well, I just move his hand a little if I really can't breathe. He puts pressure, but doesn't cut air supply. He's good


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> You understand - the safeword is something like "Banana" or "Orangutan" - right? Not "no" or "please stop"!!!
> 
> Just like you have a small fear of scaring him with your fantasy - he will also have a fear of scaring you with his. That safeword will keep him comfy.


Yea, for us, "no" and "stop" mean "Yes" and "more".


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Sawney Beane said:


> Halien, I'm not sure how this helps. Most men, if pushed hard enough / in the wrong way by another man will push back, but the idea of NOT doing it to a woman is so deeply ingrained that no matter what the provocation they won't. To suggest he gets to the point that he's so wound up he's prepared to do something he would probably regret afterwards isn't a long-term plan.


Sawney, merely suggesting that most guys just never go there, to the pushy mode, with a woman. He may have to think his way through this by addressing some of the cultural reservations on his part. To get used to being aggressive with her. Some guys have never really gone there with other men, like being faced with a bully and pushing back. 

I treated my wife like a lace doll in the days we dated. I was really afraid to hurt her, even though I have had to disarm a couple of women when they pulled out guns on the streets when my friends and I were fighting their boyfriends in a brawl. I mean, we didn't go to the movies and stuff, fighting was our weekend fun. To be frank, when married, my wife thought it was a bit of a disappointment. She had heard so many rumors about the life I lived within before converting to her faith. Then, we were confronted by two guys with knives in the Smokies. We had seen the warnings that summer about the attacks, so I carried a knife. They intended to rape her, but I broke one of their clavicles with my walking stick, then pulled out my boot knfe and chased the other one away. Later, she admitted that she had been fascinated by that side of me. I had to rethink how I was around her to bring in a little agression into the relationship.

Its easy for me to be aggressive with men, but we intentionally set a barrier between us and women. He can cross that barrier without regretting it if he learns to control himself.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I would think that it would be just as difficult for a man to indulge in this kind of fantasy when he has been habitually conditioned to not be rough with a woman as it is for women who have been habitually conditioned to be 'good girls' not being able to let loose in the bedroom.

I really have no advice for you. Just want to make sure that if your husband is not able to get past this barrier, and you still are having a good sexual relationship otherwise, to not hold it against him and to concentrate on the really good things that you DO have.

If you like reading and understanding the why's of things, you could check out the book "Intimacy and Desire" by Schnarch. It goes into some detail about how people develop sexually, and why they end up plateauing at a certain point. There's also a series of articles here that describes the same thing. Here's the 1st article in the series:

Sexual Relationships Always Consist of 'Leftovers' | Psychology Today

Best wishes.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

My last couple of months in Karate, I was learning from a female black belt. Took me awhile of her barking at me to "GRAB ME" or "PUNCH ME" - and a few times of seeing what SHE could dish out - before I was able to start letting loose a bit. I needed her (the instructor) to push me and basically SHOW ME that I wouldn't hurt her in order for me over that hump.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

She didn't yell "BURMA" at you did she???


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Halien said:


> Sawney, merely suggesting that most guys just never go there, to the pushy mode, with a woman. He may have to think his way through this by addressing some of the cultural reservations on his part. To get used to being aggressive with her. Some guys have never really gone there with other men, like being faced with a bully and pushing back.


OK, I guess this is the only way, but he might have reservations - despite any assurances to the contrary, he's never going to feel quite sure how this is going to play, and "Well, you liked it last time!" probably isn't going to be very helpful



> I treated my wife like a lace doll in the days we dated. I was really afraid to hurt her, even though I have had to disarm a couple of women when they pulled out guns on the streets when my friends and I were fighting their boyfriends in a brawl. I mean, we didn't go to the movies and stuff, fighting was our weekend fun. To be frank, when married, my wife thought it was a bit of a disappointment. She had heard so many rumors about the life I lived within before converting to her faith. Then, we were confronted by two guys with knives in the Smokies. We had seen the warnings that summer about the attacks, so I carried a knife. They intended to rape her, but I broke one of their clavicles with my walking stick, then pulled out my boot knfe and chased the other one away. Later, she admitted that she had been fascinated by that side of me. I had to rethink how I was around her to bring in a little agression into the relationship.


My experience is different. My W is a more skilled martial artist than I am, so her own physical capabilities make the dynamic rather different, but I've read over and over on here about how women are turned on by the "scary" man. Most of her friends don't find scary to be sexy - just scary. As well as ordinary fights, they know I do JJ, and when I was a soldier than I came within the last pound of pressure of shooting someone on two occasions, but they don't see it as sexy. To them, knowing that men have the capability for aggression isn't sexy, it's disturbing (and before anyone says anything, they say it about all the blokes from the MA clubs we belong to!)



> Its easy for me to be aggressive with men, but we intentionally set a barrier between us and women. He can cross that barrier without regretting it if he learns to control himself.


Maybe what he isn't sure is whether _she_ will regret it. He'll realise he can't put the genie back into the bottle, and if after a while she decides that aggressive isn't sexy, in fact the opposite, he can't make her "unknow" what he's capable of.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

sigma1299 said:


> She didn't yell "BURMA" at you did she???


She was a black belt - I don't think she knew how to say "Burma"!!!


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Sawney Beane said:


> Maybe what he isn't sure is whether _she_ will regret it. He'll realise he can't put the genie back into the bottle, and if after a while she decides that aggressive isn't sexy, in fact the opposite, he can't make her "unknow" what he's capable of.


C'mon, Sawney, this type of fantasy is more about a guy's attitude than generating some anger. We're human, and we can control ourselves intentionally. But this is more about attitude when you are around your lover. The tilt of the head, strong posture, and just being insistent, or more like intentional. My SIL told my wife that she tried to get her wall street husband to be more like this. Not sure if its a compliment, but she said that it feels like being around a force of nature, but she only sensed the interplay because she was visiting when my wife and I went to bed.

Leading this to the fantasy that the OP desires is something that comes from this attitude, on top of it, but thats why I think that she needs to control that part of it through some subtle communication. If he can't make it work, then at least he tried. The great thing about marriage is that you have years to learn how the partner communicates, and their needs.

But because we are human, we can turn it off. I still think of my wife as lace, and can treat her this way by default. But she grew up under a father who was a drill sgt, with a nickname of a reptile, so I can easily be boring to her if I only present her with one side.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

I'm that guy too. Don't believe in hurting women. That being said; I would never ever act on something like that based on a hint. But if she told me "my fanasy is xyz" and "this is what I want to do" I would be all over it without any problem. I would need a safe word for myself to know she had a way to tell me if I was over doing it but with that, i would be completely comfortable doing whatever trips her trigger!


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## OOE (Mar 17, 2011)

There has to be a certain amount of intensity, or I can't finish. It's just the way it is for me.

I have no problem reaching that level of intensity with V sex, but I do with other types, because I don't want to hurt her, or make her feel it's any less than a loving act. For example, I'm cautious of moving more than just a little during bj's.

If she said she wanted me to let go, I'd still need specifics. It's the only way I'd know we were on the same page.

If she said she likes rough sex, and I mean ROUGH, I'd have no clue what she'd be saying.

Take one aspect, then tell him specifically what you'd like. Expand from there.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

I have been thinking about this "ravashing" scenario recently and told my husband I wanted to try sex with him being more aggressive and he seemed overwhelmed at the thought. I guess I need to paint a picture for him so he knows exactly what I mean.

My fantasy is less about actually being hurt or in pain and is more about my husband acting domineering both physically and mentally in bed. I like the idea of us getting into a fight where he gets so angry he just throws me down and takes me. Maybe I would resist and thrash around a bit at first, but once he was f&cking me, I would be compliant.

I like to be in control in real life and my husband is more laid back (not whimpy), so maybe the appeal for me is to try something new.

I also like the idea of being tied up and teased sexually (maybe he would play with me for a minute and then walk away, or control when he would allow me to come, etc.) I don't know how any of this would feel in actuality, but these thoughts about being overpowered turn me on!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Laurae1967 said:


> I also like the idea of being tied up and teased sexually (maybe he would play with me for a minute *and then walk away*, or control when he would allow me to come, etc.) I don't know how any of this would feel in actuality, but these thoughts about being overpowered turn me on!


...and maybe go watch the football in peace


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Ok, try this. Tell him before hand you are going to try something, don't tell him what it is but to not take it personal and to play along.
Don't let him touch you at first. Get him going I mean ready to die if he doesn't get inside you right now. When he tries to do something, smack him. Say to him "no little ***** like you gets to **** me, you want it you are going to have to fight me for it" every time he tries smack, fight, claw, and insult. See if you do not get the desired result out of this.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> ...and maybe go watch the football in peace


:lol: Ummm, this is not 1965.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

uphillbattle said:


> Ok, try this. Tell him before hand you are going to try something, don't tell him what it is but to not take it personal and to play along.
> Don't let him touch you at first. Get him going I mean ready to die if he doesn't get inside you right now. When he tries to do something, smack him. Say to him "no little ***** like you gets to **** me, you want it you are going to have to fight me for it" every time he tries smack, fight, claw, and insult. See if you do not get the desired result out of this.


This is the opposite of what IAI and I are talking about. We want our husbands to do that to us, not the other way around!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Laurae1967 said:


> This is the opposite of what IAI and I are talking about. We want our husbands to do that to us, not the other way around!


No - but you doing THAT will fire HIM up most likely.

That's funny - I've also thought about the whole - "tie her up - get her worked up - and then walk off for a bit" thing. Think it would be fun to do that a FEW times over a few hours. Have some erotic music - or an erotic movie - playing in the background. Guessing the final payoff would be pretty incredible!!!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Laurae1967 said:


> :lol: Ummm, this is not 1965.



Football wasn't as popular as it is now in 1965, if I meant 1965 I would have said baseball game


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Laurae1967 said:


> I have been thinking about this "ravashing" scenario recently and told my husband I wanted to try sex with him being more aggressive and he seemed overwhelmed at the thought. I guess I need to paint a picture for him so he knows exactly what I mean.
> 
> My fantasy is less about actually being hurt or in pain and is more about my husband acting domineering both physically and mentally in bed. I like the idea of us getting into a fight where he gets so angry he just throws me down and takes me. Maybe I would resist and thrash around a bit at first, but once he was f&cking me, I would be compliant.
> 
> ...


I think part of it, from a husband's perspective, is about respect, and making sure that my wife knows that I do respect her. We have been taught, rightly so, that we should respect our spouse, in particular during sex. Rough sex, or sex outside of the norm, can seem disrespectful. Porn, which very often depicts rougher aspects of sex, is considered by many women to be disrespectful. 

So when a husband loves his wife and wants to make sure that she knows he respects her, it can be difficult to provide this want/need to his wife. A safeword is a great thing to make sure he is confortable. I would also add that the wife will need to reassure her husband afterward, because there will likely be conflicting feelings. Focusing on what she liked about the experience and, if true, "rougher" things that she wanted, will help him.


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## kelevra (May 19, 2011)

Wife like it rough sometimes, she lets me know by her actions and gets very verbal. Provoking me until she gets the animal response she wants. I definetly enjoy it and have no problem getting into role and she is damn hot when this occurs. We read a book titled "As She's Told " awhile back that was really hot but let me warn you very graphic. Maybe if you and your hubby gave it a glimpse it would help. I still think the straight forward approach is best. I just explain what fuels me and ask if it would be possible. I must admit my wife surprised me with liking it rough. It's not always that way just when the mood hits.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Almostrecovered said:


> ...and maybe go watch the football in peace


Hmmmmm...I'd say there's some definite subtext to leaving a naked, bound, aroused and willing woman to go watch grown men tackle and grope one another.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Laurae1967 said:


> This is the opposite of what IAI and I are talking about. We want our husbands to do that to us, not the other way around!


Yes, I gathered that from this thread. I was offering an idea to attempt to get your husbands in that mindset. It is not just that simple for some people to just flip a switch and make it happen. You may need to lead them a few times. I would think it would be worth a try.


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> ...and maybe go watch the football in peace


I swear to God if I ever missed a football game because I was tied to the bed, teased and then left, he had damn well better not be anywhere in sight when I get loose!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I'mAllIn said:


> I swear to God if I ever missed a football game because I was tied to the bed, teased and then left, he had damn well better not be anywhere in sight when I get loose!


Lol!!!

So - we know how to make you use your safeword!!!!!

:rofl:

Or maybe HE might need to use it after he unties you!!!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

He's in the living room - eating Doritos and hot wings - you're in the bedroom yelling "UMBRELLA!!! I SAID UMBRELLA!!!!"

"WHAT'S THE SCOOOOOOOOOOORE?!?!?!"

"UMBREEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!"


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Dammit - now I'm confused - I thought it was BURMA!!!!


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> Lol!!!
> 
> So - we know how to make you use your safeword!!!!!
> 
> ...


I'd never tap out. I wouldn't speak the safeword if the house were on fire! I'd figure out a way to get free on my own.....and there wouldn't be a safe enough word in any language for him when I did


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> He's in the living room - eating Doritos and hot wings - you're in the bedroom yelling "UMBRELLA!!! I SAID UMBRELLA!!!!"
> 
> "WHAT'S THE SCOOOOOOOOOOORE?!?!?!"
> 
> "UMBREEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!"


 He'd yell TOUCHDOWN! one too many times and get hit upside the head with the headboard I ripped off the bed getting loose!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I'mAllIn said:


> He'd yell TOUCHDOWN! one too many times and get hit upside the head with the headboard I ripped off the bed getting loose!


:rofl:

Wow - you really ARE into the rough stuff!!!


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

I'mAllIn said:


> I swear to God if I ever missed a football game because I was tied to the bed, teased and then left, he had damn well better not be anywhere in sight when I get loose!


Fortunately, my wife doesn't have to worry about that.

Just about the only thing I like less than football itself is the default assumption that, because I have a penis, I must love football.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

flow chart


do you have a penis?
yes------->watch football
no--------> watch figure skating


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> flow chart
> 
> 
> do you have a penis?
> ...


WRONG WRONG WRONG! A smart man knows how much trouble assumptions can get him in. I'd rather have a root canal with no anesthesia than watch figure skating!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I'mAllIn said:


> WRONG WRONG WRONG!


sorry I will correct


flow chart


do you have a penis?
yes------->watch football
no--------> perform fellatio on person with penis while they watch football


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Laurae1967 said:


> My fantasy is less about actually being hurt or in pain and is more about my husband acting domineering both physically and mentally in bed. I like the idea of us getting into a fight where he gets so angry he just throws me down and takes me. Maybe I would resist and thrash around a bit at first, but once he was f&cking me, I would be compliant.


This is a pretty common scenario for us, except with the twist that I don't even let her anger affect me. I'm more impervious and dangerous. Just seize the opportunity when it happens. 

Once, I was supposed to pick her up at the airport for a three day weekend while I was on business in Europe. I crossed from one country to another, while she came from America to stay with me in the middle of a month long visit. Because of a previous job, I occasionally get detained in customs while my credentials are being verified back home. So, I left her stranded in the airport for two hours. She was furious, because I had an international phone and she didn't know that I couldn't call her. Finally, the agents took her to our hotel at the request of our officials, and I met her there. She was ranting, angry, ... and I just ... rather forcefully took her. All she has to do is say, "Stop!", but she didn't. I still got bruises and scratches, though.


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> sorry I will correct
> 
> 
> flow chart
> ...


There's just no hope for you today!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

or any day for that matter


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

All In is definitely a "keeper"!


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> He's in the living room - eating Doritos and hot wings - you're in the bedroom yelling "UMBRELLA!!! I SAID UMBRELLA!!!!"
> 
> "WHAT'S THE SCOOOOOOOOOOORE?!?!?!"
> 
> "UMBREEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!"


:rofl: This just made my day! So flippin' funny!


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> sorry I will correct
> 
> 
> flow chart
> ...


You naughty boy......you deserve a spanking for saying that.


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## matw2 (Apr 5, 2012)

I have an idea to help with your problem.

With an old GF we played a game a few times, where she would try and stop me from doing something. Before I say any more I want to make clear that this was a game, not a 'rape fantasy'. She always smiled and laughed throughout. In fact once she tried to act more unwilling and I was unable to carry on, even though I knew it was an act. Other posters are probably right in saying that it is deeply entrenched in most guys psychology that we won't ever do anything like that. In fact from that experience (with her acting like she wasn't enjoying it / acting like I was genuinely trying to force myself on her) I was pretty shaken up for a couple of day afterwards.

But on to the fun stuff:
She could do things half heartedly, like trying to cover herself up with her hands which could easily be pulled away and pinned down. She would also do things like roll onto her front, allowing me to spank her as a punishment and allowing access to her back and the back of her neck, places that I could be rough with her and not hurt her at all.
Other things she did were to clamp her legs together when I was doing things so I had to force them apart (by being rough and prising them apart or by a punishment like a spank or a pinched nipple)
Once she was wearing a tight t-shirt, and by taking it only half off it left her arms trapped behind her. This is a more subtle way of tying someone up without scaring them by getting out the handcuffs! You could do this to yourself and then tell him he's in charge because you're all tied up. Basically you just pull the body of the shirt over your head but leave your arms in the sleeves, then lie down on your back so the shirt is underneath you and your arms are quite constrained. Long sleeves works best.
Go to a really cheap shop and buy a cheap t-shirt or blouse. Tell him you're doing this, and tell him that you want him to rip it off you. If you're using a t-shirt you might have to cut through the seams unless your man is stronger than I am. Being ripped out of your clothes feels rougher, and is especially good if you get turned on by sexy scenes in films. It will also make him feel much more dominant and into whatever you do next by stroking his ego and getting the testosterone flowing!
Refuse to lie down. For example if you start things off elsewhere and let him lead you up to the bedroom and get undressed, but when it comes to getting into bed a simple 'make me' said with a grin on your face might work wonders. At the very least he will probably throw you down on the bed which is a good start! 

Hope these ideas help you or anyone else. Basically to start off with to ease him into it maintain an atmosphere of you being naughty by not complying. By keeping a smile on your face you let him know that you really do it want it, but you're not going to make it easy for him. Let him punish you for being non-compliant and afterwards tell him what you enjoyed. Work things up from there.

One piece of advice, once he is inside you, you can wriggle a bit but don't try and force him out, either by using your muscles or by lifting your hips off the bed. This is a likely way to end up with tearing for you or a broken penis for him!
Instead it is much better to suggest changing position and then not letting him back in!


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## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

I am not of fan of being indirect. You need to ask for what you want and understand that your husband may have to really explore his own beliefs to participate. This is a process that may take a little time.

I recommend that you go purchase Arousal by Dr. Michael Bader. It is all about the link between fantasies and psychology. It is a great, non-judgmental book written by a sex therapist. I think you will find that your fantasies are very common. I think you should ask your husband to read it as well. Then have a discussion and go explore

David Deada's Way of the Superior Man would be an interesting read for your husband. It is a little more out there, new age, but supports the need of your husband to bend you over every once in a while to keep harmony in the relationship. 

Give the audiobook version to your husband as tax day gift.

Finally, if he is that nice of a guy, give him No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover. It is a very smart book about how guys get socialized into being too nice and the harm it does to them and their families. He covers sex in there as well, but much more lightly.

It sounds like you are a loving, supportive wife. Hit this issue head on and be supportive as you and your husband explore each individual's sexuality. You will likely get your fantasy satisfied as a result, but even if you don't, you will improve your relationship and your sex life.


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## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

FormerNiceGuy said:


> I am not of fan of being indirect. You need to ask for what you want and understand that your husband may have to really explore his own beliefs to participate. This is a process that may take a little time.


This!

A couple years ago I got a little aggressive with my wife in bed. Nothing serious, just some lite hair pulling and I nibbled on her shoulder from behind (no broken skin or blood or anything). All she said was "owe" at the time, I stopped doing that. It wasn't until several months later in our counseling session that she said it was a huge turn off for her and that she was almost scared of my sex drive because of that. 

One issue is I should have asked her if I could have been more aggressive at that time, and 2) she should have been able to tell me she didn't like it without having to pay a quack therapist $80/hr. So I think this goes to show we have some communication problems in our marriage especially when it comes to intimacy. I think that's what turned me off to that sort of activity was her not being able to tell me what was on her heart about that. For me, sex isn't about the act but our hearts melding and when I find out later she is withholding something on her heart from me I get turned off.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

How about demonstrating? Get a little rough with him and then ask him what he's going to do about it. If you haven't already I would just talk to him about it. Tell him you are okay with it and in fact are craving it from HIM. Come up with a scenario in your head and then narrate it to him as if he's doing this to another woman. Or tell him to imagine he's another man and is doing it to you. 

For what it's worth.


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## olwhatsisname (Dec 5, 2012)

Jen S said:


> I've struggled with this with my husband. I really want him to do that kind of thing in bed, but he just has an almost fundamental opposition to it. I don't think he's submissive so much as thoroughly unable to grasp the concept that some women want to be handled that way under the right circumstances. I wish I had a solution to it, but usually I just have to keep asking him to do it--which kind of removes the whole point of the thing.
> 
> I've had more success with getting him to try other fantasies of mine. He's very much a plain vanilla type guy so he has few out there interests of his own. But I've gotten him to try a little bit of the pink fuzzy handcuffs (on me) kind of thing. Sex toys he also goes along with now, but originally he was really intimidated by the whole thing.
> 
> Other fantasies I have like threesomes are ones I've read best stay just verbal fantasies so I'm fine with that. I want to try exhibitionism at some point but I have to figure out how to do that without hurting his feelings or getting him too upset with me. The last thing I want to do at this point is bring up some dumb fantasy and have him hurt.


---AND what-ever a man does is wrong. isn't that the game most ladies are running ????


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## bbird1 (May 22, 2011)

Talk to him but understand this maybe something he can't deliver. I couldn't and wouldn't deliver such. But my wife knew that going into this relationship as i suspect you knew going into yours.


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## bbird1 (May 22, 2011)

sandc said:


> How about demonstrating? Get a little rough with him and then ask him what he's going to do about it. If you haven't already I would just talk to him about it. Tell him you are okay with it and in fact are craving it from HIM. Come up with a scenario in your head and then narrate it to him as if he's doing this to another woman. Or tell him to imagine he's another man and is doing it to you.
> 
> For what it's worth.


If my wife ever did this with me it would end the session then and there. I would go sleep in another room. This is not how loving couples act ever. So that is my feelings and I am betting the man in question feels much the same.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

For almost all of my adult life I could not fathom treating a woman that way but now as long as I was sure that was what she was into and had a safe word I could totally do it.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

I'mAllIn said:


> Say you were a wife with one remaining totally doable fantasy, rough sex. And I mean ROUGH sex! And say you're married to a really really nice guy, and I mean this in the very best way. Not too Beta, whimpy nice, but "never ever mistreat a woman" nice. A man who hardly raises his voice to his wife, even when she really does deserve it.
> How in the world would you get a man like that on board with your fantasy?


Start slow and describe your fantasy. It might be off putting initially to have to basically tell him everything to do, but he'll come along. Start simple and add a thing or two as you go along and always rave about how much you liked it (we're suckers for being bragged on - it starts from boyhood). Eventually, he'll be comfortable being more aggressive and be able to regain some creativity. I was that guy once upon a time. Not really beta in other respects, but once upon a time I treated all women with kid gloves. I was so conditioned to be the gentleman that I simply couldn't be aggressive or overly physical. Even initiating sex was always a slow and suggestive process that involved a lot of reading into whether she was interested.

I'm not sure what caused me to recognize how passive I was or even that women were actually turned off by always being treated like a queen. It happened for me while I was still married... perhaps it was when I was trying to figure out why my ex seemed to be so low drive. But even once I realized and tried to change, it wasn't comfortable. It was a violation of everything I had been brought up to think, and everything I had concluded that women want.

I was thinking... "wtf!? Every now and then they *want* me to be really physical, throw them around, pull their hair and pin their arms behind their back while taking from behind???"

I secretly wanted to do this. I liked watching porn with this in it, but I was so conditioned that actually doing it was literally uncomfortable to me and I felt horribly awkward. I felt like a jerk when I would try being really physical and always wanted to ask "you ok?", "this alright?" (big turnoff lol)

I re-conditioned myself partly by redrawing how I imagined myself in my head - psyching myself up for the more physical persona I wanted to take (think mental version of the ape beating his chest - I know that sounds cheesy lol), and then taking on the things I considered taboo a few at a time until I was comfortable doing them. I'd even step into the garage and have a go with the punching bag, get all flexed up and adrenaline pumping just before going after her aggressively. I had to break the mental block that I had to be gentle, and reinforce the part of me that wanted to physically take and possess. For quite awhile before getting this gentleman crap out of my system, I absolutely hated the feeling that I'd somehow been emasculated by what I was taught growing up. I was a wuss in bed!!! Manhood called into question!! That realization is enormously ego damaging. Why was I like this?? How did I miss the boat? My conclusion: The way a single mom teaches a boy to be a man is just no substitute for the way a father teaches a boy to be a man. Its not as black and white as I grew up thinking it was... nice and gentlemanly vs aggressive jerk. She just can't convey the nuance and I had no example of aggressive, assertive... yet respectable men.

There are still limits. I can't hit for example. I was with a girl last year who was really into biting (HARD) and being slapped in the face and called a sl*t... she even wanted me to cut her. No way, I couldn't do it. The derogatory dirty talk still pushes me a little bit, I'm more comfortable with the possessive stuff, and thankfully, most women don't want anything more aggressive than what I'm now comfortable with.

Just recognize that your husband has probably been led to treat women as he does, for his entire life, and associates all these things you now want with poor excuses for men. Its going to take some time to unravel that, and he might even seem awkward about it for a little while. Small steps and a LOT of positive reinforcement about how much you enjoyed it.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Grayson said:


> Fortunately, my wife doesn't have to worry about that.
> 
> Just about the only thing I like less than football itself is the default assumption that, because I have a penis, I must love football.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wanna know how I know you're gay? 

Just messing with you. :smthumbup:


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

sandc said:


> How about demonstrating? Get a little rough with him and then ask him what he's going to do about it. If you haven't already I would just talk to him about it. Tell him you are okay with it and in fact are craving it from HIM. Come up with a scenario in your head and then narrate it to him as if he's doing this to another woman. Or tell him to imagine he's another man and is doing it to you.
> 
> For what it's worth.


I thought about that option, but then realized that when I was this way, I would have just laughed. I'd have been baffled, and laughed at the awkwardness of it.

Everything is about state of mind - and in that state, her getting aggressive just feels silly, or one laughs off one's feelings of awkward. Crazy thing is, for me, this would've been the case even though I thought it would awesome if she jumped me. Violate your notions of what you're supposed to do in any given situation, and all sorts of weird responses pop up. This happens even when you violate non-sexual things you perceive norms. Some people feel embarrassed, others get hostile, some laugh or giggle... not sexy. haha


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

OP hasn't been around since 2011...


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> OP hasn't been around since 2011...


Sh*t.

I don't usually fall for that. Kill the zombie thread!!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> OP hasn't been around since 2011...


Still a fun topic!!!


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