# Controlled Separation



## anonymous11 (Sep 30, 2011)

My wife and I had some issues with my family since we got married. We have been married for 3 years and we got married very young 22 and 23. She feels that they do not love her, think that she is enough for me and that they do not take her into consideration for some things. After some time I notice a lack of attention from my family to her and a lack of details towards her, you know calls, thanks, etc. She talked with me about this several times and I did not pay enough attention to the issues, since sometimes they were very small. However, I had a conversation with my two sisters about it during this period and they did not recognize anything, for them everything was normal. But, she feels that I did not hear her and didn't pay attention to her. This made her to start analyzing our relationship and got to the point that we have not had deep communication between us.

Now, after all the issues I understand what she wants and needs. It is more that my family, it is her desire to feel comfortable talking with me about anything and feels supported. Now, she is really closed minded about any improvement that I can make.

The last thing that happened really frustrated her. So, she decided to sleep in different bedrooms (5 weeks ago) and take some time for her. During this time I tried to make her feel good by going out to dinner, talk, concerts, flowers, etc (Bad Idea). After this I decided to go to counseling with her, after one couple meeting and her individual meeting, the counselor recommended to separate each other (kind of controlled separation). I told her that I was going to be leaving our house and give her 2 weeks to think about it and clarify her feelings, because she was not sure about them.

Tomorrow is the end of the second one and we go to the counselor separated every week and have a chat after that. After her meeting this week, the counselor mentioned to her that she was not ready to make any decisions. So we need to extend the separation. We are going to determine the rules/guidelines of the next period during our next meeting. This could include dating between each other, calls, texts, emails, etc. *Any tips, dos and/or don’ts?*

The last conversation that we had was after my meeting with the counselor, I explained to mi wife what I talked to her and she was not receptive at all. She was frustrated because I was having a different approach from the conversation, tried to convinced her that we can solved the issued and was very sensitive and we ended up the conversation sad/mad (she texted me after that to apologize and tell me that we need to be patient, little by little god will help us to determine our path). When I asked her how she feels at home, if she misses me? She said that feels lonely in our house but she does not know if she misses me or it is the lonely. I think that she does not like that I being positive about the whole situation (It think that we can work the issue as every couple in a crisis and recover the great relationship that we had) and she is neutral (undecided). But, I’m being positive because I love her and have strong feeling about her and these three years have been incredible, we do not have any issues/fights living together, we have similar tastes, goals, dreams. She is an incredible woman!!! During this call she recognized that I have improved my communication a little bit. But I don’t know how to interpret what she does, talked, etc. 

She has not mention the word divorce but she is not sure if she is willing to start over and forget everything that happened, that’s why the counselor recommends some dating and calls during the separation to see if this brings the spark back to the relationship and give me an opportunity to demonstrate my improvements.

Any thoughts? Tips? Experiences?

Do you think this controlled separation can work and bring us back together?


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## anonymous11 (Sep 30, 2011)

Any thoughts?


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## bowhunter (Sep 5, 2011)

I am by no means an expert, but I would suggest be patient and don't push. I don't know if it is for you but read up on the 180. Keep posting your thoughts on here, there are great people here with great advice. I'm sorry you are in this position. It sounds like there is really nothing you can do but let her get through what ever it is she is going through and work on yourself in the meantime. hope this helps a little.


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Just a few thoughts. 

I agree with bowhunter, 180 will help you here. Not every rule (particularly no dates, as your counselor is suggesting differently, so that would be counterproductive at the moment). You are not in the same house anymore, but you do see each other periodically. Do you call/text/email her regularly? If so, stop. Wait for her to initiate most communication, even if it takes days (and it will seem REALLY long)...If she texts about trivial things, feel free to just not respond. Let her contact you about something of importance. If you find yourself angry or sad in front of her, leave. If she is being unreasonable, angry or hurtful, calmly put up your hand, turn around and leave. No weakness in front of her will help you right now.

And you're right, no flowers. Give her flowers when she treats you like a king. Right now, you are not respected.

You are both still so young, and if there is no infidelity or abuse in the mix, reconciliation is very doable. You just have to get her on board. How do you do that? By NOT trying to get her on board. At least, as far as she knows. And you have to mean it, because you are going to have to prepare yourself for the reality that she may ultimately decide she's done and your marriage may be over.

Certainly go to marriage counseling with her, and have your chats after, if you are doing scheduled dates per your counselor's advice, keep all conversation topics OFF of the relationship...if she wants to bring up the relationship, let her talk, listen to her...when she pauses, say "tell me more". If she's done, then say you appreciate what she said (assuming she didn't say you are a d-bag that's ruined her life) and change the subject. If she says "what - you don't want to talk about it?" you can say not at the moment, you're just enjoying your time with her. Keep conversation light, non-stressful and more matter of fact. Make her laugh, but don't push it once you do...show her that making her laugh is easy, and you don't need to respond when she does. You are the man. You are in charge of your life. She wanted to be along for the ride once. Once she sees you acting this way, it very well may make her want to hitch her horse back to your wagon, because she'll want what she doesn't have...YOU...a loving, strong husband.

It's hard to face the reality of your marriage being at a breaking point. Keep as positive as you can, work out, see lots of friends (and don't spill your guts every time you see them), talk with your family(ies) but don't ask them for help with your wife, as that means you aren't capable of handling the situation. You are. And you don't want any apparent weakness getting back to your wife right now.

I wish you luck, I know how scary all of this is, I'm 5 1/2 weeks separated as of now (and have already filed for D), but my circumstances are more severe (infidelity on her part). I think you've got a really good shot here man...work hard, focus on yourself, treat her with respect, but treat yourself with respect first. She'll notice. And so will you.


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## Mike11 (Aug 25, 2011)

Shamwow said:


> Just a few thoughts.
> 
> I agree with bowhunter, 180 will help you here. Not every rule (particularly no dates, as your counselor is suggesting differently, so that would be counterproductive at the moment). You are not in the same house anymore, but you do see each other periodically. Do you call/text/email her regularly? If so, stop. Wait for her to initiate most communication, even if it takes days (and it will seem REALLY long)...If she texts about trivial things, feel free to just not respond. Let her contact you about something of importance. If you find yourself angry or sad in front of her, leave. If she is being unreasonable, angry or hurtful, calmly put up your hand, turn around and leave. No weakness in front of her will help you right now.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::smthumbup:


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## anonymous11 (Sep 30, 2011)

_Bowhunter_ that’s what I’m trying to do. It hard but as you said I have no option. I will check 180.

_Shamwow_ thanks for your advice. We are not in the same house, and we did not see each other for 2 weeks. During this time, I have not been texting/calling her, but she text me to ask me things of the house or to see how I am or to talk about the individual counselor appointments. However, we defined the rules of the separation during our last counselor appointment. Which are: 2 months period, see each other 1-2 times per week, call/text/email whenever we want. She also asked to the counselor if I could change my communication skills, and the counselor said yes. That was kind of odd, because it sounded like she was interested. Also, I ask if we should have couple session or individual sessions, and she said that she wants to keep the individual session and wait a little bit for the couple sessions. But, the counselor was open to couple sessions.

After the last appointment on Monday, I told her to go to a Gelateria to talk and she mentioned to me that she was hungry and why we don’t go to have dinner. I agreed and we went to have dinner. At the restaurant we talk about the appointment, conversations that we had with our parents, our dog, work, etc. It went good; however she does not express any bad or good feelings, kind of neutral. Also, she started asking me some financial questions, kind of calculating her assets. This retracted the interest that she showed on the appointment.

Yesterday, she had a doctor appointment during afternoon, so I decided to stop by the house to feed our dog and take him out to the yard. However, when I open the door her car was there, so the appointment was quick. I was going to close the door and get out, but I was sure that she already heard the door. So, I went upstairs to explain her and leave. We start talking about the doctor appointment and conversations that I had with my sister, etc. She mentioned that she was hungry and asked me if I was. I said yes a little bit, and she said well let eat pasta that I made the other day. We went downstairs and decide to cook something else, we cooked the meal, talk about day to day things and eat. After we ate, I decided to take the first step and go right away. Kind of showing that I’m strong I guess.

I am confused because sometimes she seems to be interested and sometimes she doesn’t. However, I preparing myself to everything, but hoping that we have another chance.

I don’t know if I should ask her to go out during the weekend or just wait if she takes the first step. *Any thoughts/opinions?*


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## anonymous11 (Sep 30, 2011)

Where can I get information about 180?


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## bowhunter (Sep 5, 2011)

look up morituri on here, he has a link under his name that takes you to the rules on the 180. or I think it is on the marriage builders website.


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## trapper (Sep 8, 2011)

Go get the Married mans sex life primer 2011 by Athol Kay. I got it a few days ago, its about 350 pages of pure wisdom, I finished it in two days because I couldn't put it down. If my marraige doesn't work out this book made me realise that maybe I am a better man for it. Maybe it could help you save yours!


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