# still goin down that bumpy road



## Ana_Nurse (Oct 24, 2009)

So this week will be ending our third week of seperation.... We had our second counseling session today. I think it went okay. I am still very sad to see him go every night. It's very hard. I am trying to remind myself to be thankful that we are both trying to work it out. Right now we are sharing a car so I get to see him often, but I wonder, if and when I get my own car how often will I see him? I am almost afraid, which is shameful on my part! I  I am wondering if it is wrong to ask him when he is coming home, I don't want to press the issue... BUT it is a burning question in my mind. When is it to long? Has anyone been through anything similar to this? I need some sort of advice on how to handle all of this or approach the subject of the future between my husband and I.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Ana it is early days in a separation. it is not shameful to be afraid - but be brave anyway! 
If we are posting here you can be sure we've all been through it - and it's not pleasant..but you will grow through this time 

here's some simple advice 

1. Quit asking him when he is coming home- he doesn't know and asking only weaknes your position.
2. Start working on yourself - and becoming independent. Who wants to share a car even if you are together? Get that car and go out by yourself or with friends - heck go away for a weekend....
3. Work on eating well, exercising, looking as attractive as you can..
4. You wil be sad but he doesn't need to know that - fake indifference - 
5. Think of a situation where you feel confident and happy - it might be a work situation - think of how you relate to people at those times - 
friendly/ professional/ calm/ positive every time you see him imagine you are at that place with those people - treat him accordingly -
(this so works for me) 
6. seek out the company of people who love you and respect you 
spend time with them...
7. keep on living 
8. know that you will get through this - you are not sure of the outcome - but no-one knows the future anyway - try and live day by day for now - 
9. Keep poting here - recognise and let us know about the good and bad parts of what you are going through....

Finally it all feels false - it all feels like a game - it is 
CW and I agree on this - it is a game - and it is about strategies -
it is just a serious game....

GOOD LUCK!


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## Ana_Nurse (Oct 24, 2009)

Your advice is exactly what I needed to hear. I am a few steps ahead in the game, I have started to exercise and I am trying to stay on a routine. I stopped napping during the day ( I found that it makes me feel sad), and I may have not started eating healthy but I have cut back. I am trying to gain the independence that I lost some time back. I used to be that independent woman, I just lost her  After getting married and having a child, I think I thought my life had to revolve around them, I am realizing that I need to take care of me too. As far as the car, I am working on that. My husband and I had a deal that I was going to go to school full time and he would work... so needless to say I am looking for a job too. I am thankful that I at least have my nursing license so finding a job seems like it is not going to take long. I have been spending little or no time at home, my family lives very close so I have a good support system THANK GOD!!! 
I know that life has to go on, I have not even really had a chance to sit and cry about all of this. I have been with my daughter every day since he left and I just don't want her to see the pain I am in. The first day or so I did cry and she cried and told her teacher that she was sad because mommy was sad. I had to pick my head up and move forward... but I really want to let this all out! 
It's been a strange situation, my husband tells me he loves me daily, that he does not want a divorce and that he wants to come home. He told the counselor that he is afraid to come home out of fear that we will begin to hate each other and not ever have a chance at reconciliation or a chance at being civil with each other. I can understand that... when my father left my mother he did not come around for 12 years, they really hated each other by that point!!! I don't want that. 
We are working together but apart I suppose. This is not what I ever expected for my life but it is what it is and I have to keep on keepin on!

Thanks for all the kind words everyone!


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

As far separations go this sounds very positive - space can work wonders for people and if your h is getting counselling with you and engaging genuinely - that's fanatstic


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

Ana I have not read all yoru posts but don't see here why or if you know why your husband moved out or wanted the seperation? 
As Knortoh mentions, if your husband is saying he loves you & wants to come home that is a positive note!! 
I also think it is great that you are both going to counseling & taking care of yourself. Again - all signs that things are moving in a positive direction. 

I do hope that it continues that way for you & maybe you can be posting in the "success stories" section in the near future. But before we get ahead or ourselves, I would caution about the reconciliation.
If indeed your husband & you decide that he would come back home, it think it is VERY important that it is for the right reasons - not just out of lonlienss. I also think it is very important to identify what were the causes within your marriage that got you to this stage. And most importantly, to have some very clear & consise plans/procedures in place to help deal with any future issues. Opening the lines of communication is incredibly important. 

Although it is a tough time, it is important to give your husband time to figure out if this is something he wants to fight for. I know you want answers now but be patient - good things come to those who wait - right??
best wishes & hope things continue to move in the positive direction!


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## Ana_Nurse (Oct 24, 2009)

My husband said he moved out simply because of all the fighting. He said for all of us, especially our daughter. He was tired of her hearing it and just tired of doing it. We got married very quickly, about three months after meeting and I found out I was pregnant about 3 weeks after we got married and the fighting started from there. I went through sever post pardem depression and he got more and more distant. I was angry at him because I felt like it was all his fault, which I am realizing now it was not. I am trying to remove the victim!
We have a string of other problems.... some that are mine and some that are his. I don't agree with his moving out over all of this, but there is nothing I can do about it and it sucks! 
I just have that alone feeling and hope I am not wasting my time fighting for this. I don't want to say we didn't even try. It seems like no one fights for their marriages anymore, its so easy to just divorce. I don't want that.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Ana adress all the problems before you work on the marriage. Find out what triggers them and how you both react. You need to fix what causes the fights or they will always return. Change has to happen in order to improve.. So since you can't force him to change you do it.. You need to make these changes any way cause it will plague your next relationship if they are not addressed.


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

Ana I agree with you about people not even trying in their marriages & just filing for divorce. One of the reasons I called myself "believer" is because I wanted to believe in marriage & fight for it. I wanted to exhaust all my options & needed to know for sure in my heart & mind what would be the best decision for me & my family. 
Everyone has a different time table that they are working on & each relationship is unique. You mentioned you met, married & were pregnant all rather quickly. Adding a child into any relationship is always a strain & to add that to a new relationship it was definitely testing you & your husband. But you owe it to yourself & your child to do whatever it takes to try to save your marriage. 
So if it is giving your husband some time, continuing counseling, taking a good look at yourself & what you can do to improve yourself & your marriage.
I attended some "in person" support groups briefly while I was seperated - not sure if that might be helpful for you to get "live" support for the situation you are dealing with right now. 

Communication is key to resolving your problems. Try to get to the root of your fight with your husband - what are they really about?? 
good luck & keep positive & remember to "believe" & don't give up too easily.


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## Hopeful_wife (Nov 6, 2009)

Ana_Nurse said:


> Your advice is exactly what I needed to hear. I am a few steps ahead in the game, I have started to exercise and I am trying to stay on a routine. I stopped napping during the day ( I found that it makes me feel sad), and I may have not started eating healthy but I have cut back. I am trying to gain the independence that I lost some time back. I used to be that independent woman, I just lost her  After getting married and having a child, I think I thought my life had to revolve around them, I am realizing that I need to take care of me too. As far as the car, I am working on that. My husband and I had a deal that I was going to go to school full time and he would work... so needless to say I am looking for a job too. I am thankful that I at least have my nursing license so finding a job seems like it is not going to take long. I have been spending little or no time at home, my family lives very close so I have a good support system THANK GOD!!!
> I know that life has to go on, I have not even really had a chance to sit and cry about all of this. I have been with my daughter every day since he left and I just don't want her to see the pain I am in. The first day or so I did cry and she cried and told her teacher that she was sad because mommy was sad. I had to pick my head up and move forward... but I really want to let this all out!
> It's been a strange situation, my husband tells me he loves me daily, that he does not want a divorce and that he wants to come home. He told the counselor that he is afraid to come home out of fear that we will begin to hate each other and not ever have a chance at reconciliation or a chance at being civil with each other. I can understand that... when my father left my mother he did not come around for 12 years, they really hated each other by that point!!! I don't want that.
> We are working together but apart I suppose. This is not what I ever expected for my life but it is what it is and I have to keep on keepin on!
> ...


Wow you sound like me. I just made my first post in the forums a minute ago, and after reading this post, it makes me feel like I am definitely not alone. I revolved around my family, feeling it was my responsibility, my duty, to care for them constantly. Turns out that's something my husband was growing tired of, and he wants to see me do other things. He just left last night, so this is all very fresh and new to me. I'm trying to stay strong for my son, but it's so hard. Thanks for your post, it helped me to realize that I'm not the only one that is going through this and I hope it works out for you and your husband.


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