# I'm 36 years old, and just realized



## Lavender&Lace (Oct 7, 2011)

I'm almost 36 years old and just realized that all I ever really wanted to be was a wife and mother. I have had career desires as a child to be sure, but the most overwhelming and desired position I wanted in life was to be a full time stay at home mom. No job has ever held my attention. I have a hard time CARING about anybody's business or company. I care about my kids and my husband and my home. Is that so wrong? I know in theory that it's not, but gosh society has a way of making a lady feel so worthless...

My husband grew up with his mom being the main figure and provider of the family. She ruled and made the decisions. She was a school teacher in their native country. His dad did odd jobs and never really had a career. He's passive and easy going and lets MIL make all the decisions.

I guess my husband expects me to be a powerful, do-it-all superwoman type. Mind you, hubby's mom did have a housekeeper back in the days (part of that culture) so she didn't really do it all come to think of it. But for some reason my husband wants me to find FULL TIME high paying work and basically keep up with the Jones'. 

This is not what I want at all. I want a simpler life. I want to be here for my family, and to nuture and take care of him. I wish my husband knew just how much better his life could be if he would just get on board.

Oh, and I work part-time and dh want to control all the money. Well tell me this: Why would I go to work a job, when I would rather be at home tending my family, come home, cook, clean, do laundry and then hand him my paycheque? What is in it for me????

Sorry, but I just had to vent...


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I can relate. My husband, children (family) and home are pretty much all I REALLY care about in this world.

I do work part-time from home and earn an income but I've enjoyed being a home-maker...very unfashionable these days and I'm selective who I tell this to.

I like my life!

Was any of this discussed before you got married?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

This sort of thing really does have to be discussed before marriage, OP. The only thing you can do is sit down with him and tell him what you've told us here.

Are you actually supporting your H? I don't understand the handing over of your pay cheque business, though. When one is married, IMO, there's no such thing as mine / yours, because any income goes towards supporting the family.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

I would never just hand over my paycheck to my husband so that he could control my money.
Hell to the no.
My MIL did exactly that with my FIL until she asked him for money to buy shoes for their daughter & he said no, that she could just wear the ones she had outgrown.
Mind you he had no problem wasting money on his own flying lessons, using money that his wife earned. 
It was that toxic financial household that my husband grew up in & it shaped his views on marriage & money, views that have been our biggest issues in our marriage.
He has since come around & is not so warped when it comes to finances & marriage, but it's been a long, often tumultuous journey.


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## Lavender&Lace (Oct 7, 2011)

waiwera said:


> Was any of this discussed before you got married?


No, this was not discussed before marriage. At 18 years old, I just didn't have enough sense/wisdom to discuss these things. However after I had my first child at 19 it became apparent how he wanted things to go. I kept having kids, and he kept getting mad with me for not working full time (or at all) despite having the kids. He has never, for a moment let me enjoy motherhood and being at home when the kids were little. It was always: "I'm tired of supporting you".


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Then kick him out. Have the life YOU want to have with your kids. Teach him to respect you.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Lavender&Lace;1249009 It was always: "I'm tired of supporting you". :confused::([/QUOTE said:


> Ouch!!
> 
> That's what marriage is all about IMO... supporting each other & being each others cheerleader.
> 
> ...


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Lavender&Lace said:


> No, this was not discussed before marriage. At 18 years old, I just didn't have enough sense/wisdom to discuss these things. However after I had my first child at 19 it became apparent how he wanted things to go. I kept having kids, and he kept getting mad with me for not working full time (or at all) despite having the kids. He has never, for a moment let me enjoy motherhood and being at home when the kids were little. It was always: "I'm tired of supporting you".


I would hate the man if he said that to me. 

My father said that to me when I was young, and the next thing I did was quitting school and leaving home. 

If I were you, I would learn a skill and find a good job, but I wouldn't let him touch my money. The next thing I would do is to divorce him. It is difficult for you to do it because you have kids. 

I think some men don't appreciate the fact that having a wife at home makes a lot of things organized and easy. Keeping up with the Joneses only looks good on the surface.


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## Lavender&Lace (Oct 7, 2011)

waiwera said:


> I gather he simply means $$$.
> 
> You two seem to have very different ideas on love/marriage/childrearing.
> 
> ...


Yes, he is refering to carrying the financial load of the family.

There are good aspects of the marriage. He is a good person deep down, and would do a lot for me, but I hate how in an argument these things come back to bite me. He brings up what's he's done, which is nothing more then the typical honorable husband and father does: PROVIDE FOR HIS FAMILY. He's say's I don't respect him enough and that I don't treat him like the "man of the house". I think this stems from his father issues (his father being weaker than the mom). However, I try to show him more respect until he blows up and says hurtful things and that makes it real hard for me to respect him.

What keeps me here, honestly is the kids. I do want to work out the marriage, as from what I understand marriages that ride out over thick and thin eventually settle and the couple learns to live at peace and the marriage gets better. However, I'm not getting any younger and frankly I want to live a happy life starting NOW.


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## Lavender&Lace (Oct 7, 2011)

greenpearl said:


> I think some men don't appreciate the fact that having a wife at home makes a lot of things organized and easy. Keeping up with the Joneses only looks good on the surface.


 
AMEN to THAT!!! :smthumbup:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

"Husband, I love you and respect you, but the next time you bring up that I don't bring in money, I'm going to take some of OUR money and take the kids to a hotel for the night. Your choice."


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You have taught him how to treat you, by accepting poor treatment. He will CONTINUE to treat you that way...until YOU stop allowing it.


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## Lavender&Lace (Oct 7, 2011)

tunera you are right. I'm a sucker for punishment. I have accepted this treatment and stay to "keep the family together". Honestly, I don't want to break up the marriage and family but at the same time, I want what I want, but I feel like it's not possible or ever going to happen for me. "it" being to be the full time wife and mother and not have him demean me or put me down about it.


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## Lavender&Lace (Oct 7, 2011)

I mean I do work part-time. Although "part-time" wound up being 75 hours for the last 2 week pay period. But, the house is a mess, I'm behind on everything, I feel out of touch with the kids' stuff, (homework, assignments etc). I have 4 kids all in school. I'm not a high energy person. I can't do a million things well. If I'm at work I'm doing it 100% but then I come home beat and no energy to give fully to my family. I just rush my family responsibilies and let some things go by the wayside. DH asked me today when he came home: "what's going on with the laundry?" meaning the big mountain of dirty clothes...I said "nothing" I mean seriously that pissed me off...I can't do it all and I won't!


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## ManUp (Nov 25, 2012)

I think you have to make him honestly defend what he's saying to you. By honestly, I get the sense he's not owning up to some deep seated insecurity. Such as, he may not feel deep down that he can carry the financial load by himself. Meaning, he may actually be afraid of what would happen if he lost his job and didn't have your paycheque as a backup plan. 

Of course I'm speculating on what's going on in his head, but I'll bet there is a true insecurity at the bottom of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Weathered (Dec 15, 2009)

Need communication.
There are differences in upbringing that will determine each person's expectations of the other.

This course: What is The Marriage Course? | Relationship Central helped my wife and I understand a little more of our personal baggage brought into the marriage even though neither of us had previous long term relationships with anyone else. And even then we were surprised to see how we needed to communicate and agree on a number of aspects that affected our married life. This is but one of them.


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

Make a chart of all the things that need to get done at home and with the kids for the week. Since you both will be working equal hours, split them 50/50. I started with "which toilet do you want to clean?"

I work part-time...all is good. Like you, I can't be superwoman, but I did have the insight when I married of what I wanted and clearly communicated this with my H. I now work while the kids are in school, but after school, they have many activities and I drive them all over he** and high water which means that I get home after my H, hence the discussion about toilets.

If he thinks that he deserves respect as the "man of the house", then he needs to respect what you do for the family, and not in the maid capacity. I have a feeling that since he grew up with household help, he truly has no idea what it takes to keep the family on track. Next time he asks about the laundry, tell him "honey, I was waiting for you to come home so I can show you how to work the washing machine, so you can do your own laundry, since I won't have time since I'll be working."


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

L & L,

He needs a sit down. I think I know what culture your husband is from and he will respect a strong woman so be one. Lay down your law. If you are going to work PT and be the Mom let him know he needs to get his a$$ in gear to lighten the load at home. Let him know that when he wants you to take on the full time Mom and maid duties is the day you will be giving up your PT job. 

Do not let him pull that I support you crapp. I supported my SAHW for the first 15 years of our marriage and did a dang good job. I always thought that was my duty. My wife got educated and makes a boatload of money now and has pulled the "who makes the most money" line on me a couple times. The third time I let her know that if she kept up that tone I would be happy to leave and take half of your great salary. 

Remind him your a team and he asked you to sign up (I presume).


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## Lavender&Lace (Oct 7, 2011)

I definitely want to do a sit down and hash it all out. I feel a little nervous that he is going to reject me and put me down for my feelings. Thanks for the input everyone I will certainly keep u all up to date. I'm getting ready for my evening shift (ugh). I hate not being here for the kids after school. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So what if he 'puts you down'? What are you, 10? You're an adult. Act like one. He can't 'hurt your feelings' if you know your own worth.

And you are a PARTNER - not a maid, not his mother, not his cook. He married you to be EQUAL. You need to start acting like it. You are teaching him how to treat you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

turnera said:


> Then kick him out. Have the life YOU want to have with your kids. Teach him to respect you.


Is she kicks him out then she will not be able to have the life she wants. She will have to go to work.

So maybe figuring this out with her husband might make more sense.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

The problems that you are describing mirror those that I had in my marriage for YEARS. I tried and tried to get him to do something about his life, want more for our family, etc. but he wanted me to carry the family like his mom did. It was also an abusive relationship, and I would not be surprised if you told me that yours had some too. Tell him to man up - that you don't need another child, you need a partner. 

I ended up giving my husband an ultimatum and year + to complete it (far more time than necessarY) and he did nothing. I left him, and we are now in the process of divorce.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

can you afford being a SAHM? If your family can't make it on one salary, then you can't be a SAHM. It's great, and you wish you could be one, but like so many families, if you can't afford it, then it is not an option.

It doesn't sound like your husband is nice to you. 75 hours/week is not part time. It's full time. and then griping about the laundry. what nerve! what chauvenistic planet is he from. Maybe you need a housekeeper once a week to keep the peace and give you time with your kids when you get home.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

good woman


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## Lavender&Lace (Oct 7, 2011)

IslandGirl3 said:


> can you afford being a SAHM? If your family can't make it on one salary, then you can't be a SAHM. It's great, and you wish you could be one, but like so many families, if you can't afford it, then it is not an option.
> 
> It doesn't sound like your husband is nice to you. 75 hours/week is not part time. It's full time. and then griping about the laundry. what nerve! what chauvenistic planet is he from. Maybe you need a housekeeper once a week to keep the peace and give you time with your kids when you get home.


We can afford for me to be a SAHM if we budgeted correctly, but he doesn't believe we can. I have repeatedly tried to do a budget with him, but for some reason he doesn't actually want to sit down and LOOK at the funds. He likes to keep a running total of the bills and income in his head but doesn't see why we need to WRITE it down. He claims he 'let' me be a SAHM for while, but it didn't work. Yeah right, while the kids were young and I was home or in between temp jobs, he berated me and told me I lacked ambition and that I was worthless. It's so weird. He can be so nice but then be mean and go overboard with his words in the next moment.

I do love him, but I just feel so down when I think about how much better all of our lives could be if we embraced more traditional roles. I wish he would treat me better and love me unconditionally not according to how much $$$ I can throw in the pot.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I fully understand you now, but not when I was first married. I was very independent and absolutely loved working. When I married my husband he wanted me to stay at home to raise the children.

It took me a full year after our child was born to quit. It took me a full 2 years to adjust to the role of a homemaker. I've been "retired" for 11 years now.

Both my husband and I grew up in homes where the man was the sole provider. We didn't discuss this until after we were married, but he said that I would not have to return to work. I'm very lucky. My husband works very hard to provide for our family. I now can't work anyways since I had a freak accident and I have a major neck injury.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Today, the way a family is run is negotiated between the two spouses. It’s not right for one spouse to make a unilateral decision about this.

Both of you are trying to make unilateral decisions… You decided to stay home without his agreeing and he’s trying to force you back to work when you do not agree.

If you break up, you will have to go back to work. So pushing things to the breakup point makes no sense at all. You both lose and your children are the biggest losers.

There is no societal rule these days that he has to support you while you stay home.

Since you would have to go back to work if you break up, it makes sense that you go back to work now.

But then there are the issue of all the rest of life… the childcare, the housekeeping, cooking, etc etc. and of course how money is managed.

With his attitude there is no way in hell I’d work and give all my money to anyone to control. So you need to negotiate this.

1)	10%-20% of each person’s income goes into a savings account for emergencies, etc. Neither of you can spend a penny from this account without the agreement of the other. You can even make it a two signature account to make sure both of you agree on every check written.


2)	Each of you put enough money in a joint account to pay all your bills to include the child care and housekeeping that you will now have to pay for. Yes push for someone to come to your home once a week to clean…unless your husband wants to pick this up to save money. You will be working long hours as will he. Your free time needs to be to spend time with your children and with him… and his with you and the children. 


3)	The money left over after savings and all bills are paid is divided three ways… 1/3 for the children’s activities and 1/3 for each of you. This is the money each of you gets to spend, save, etc. your discretionary spending. 


4)	All credit cards must be paid off at the end of every month. Have one each so that teach of you pays off your own spending with your own discretionary money. A third card for things that you both agree to charge … like maybe a huge auto repair bill, new furnace, etc.



The two of you would benefit from reading and working through the book “Smart Couples Finish Rich”. Get a plan that both of you work together. Your finances should be an open book for each other. 

All the other chores are divided 50/50. If he does not want to do 50% of the chores. So he will have to agree on what parts of the house work he is responsible for. Get across to him that he is not ‘helping you’. He’s a big boy. He wants you to take responsibility for 50% of the family support, then he can take responsibility for 50% of all the “woman’s work” in the house and with the children.

There are things that you do for him now that can be shifted to him now that you are working. For example big boys do their own laundry. I even taught my kids to do their own laundry when they were 11/12. I bought them 2 hampers.. one for clean/one for dirty (they were those net ones with wire frame so they could be folded up when not in use). Everyone in my home has done their own laundry and put it away (or not put it away) for years now.

You have a lot of power here but (IMO) have been using it wrong. Through the negotiation process you can start teaching him what the cost is of having you go back to work. You can also teach him that you going back to work does not mean that he will get to rule over the family financially. You are an equal partner in all of this. Funny how he wants a ‘strong woman’, meaning a woman who pops out babies and works full time.. but then he wants to hand him all the $$ so he can control it… :rofl: He needs to learn that it does not work that way. 

You might find that through the above negotiation he will learn that your income might just almost all consumed by child care, housekeeping. Clothing you have go by , cost of transportation, etc etc…. and on top of that he was to do 50% of the work around the house that a housekeeper does not do.


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## Lavender&Lace (Oct 7, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Today, the way a family is run is negotiated between the two spouses. It’s not right for one spouse to make a unilateral decision about this.
> 
> Both of you are trying to make unilateral decisions… You decided to stay home without his agreeing and he’s trying to force you back to work when you do not agree.
> 
> ...


Thank YOU! Thank you for taking the time to respond. I will take it all to heart. I especially appreciate the financial advice and tips.

At this point I realize that the SAHM/homemaker dream is a fairy tale for me. I realize that I have to continue to work at least part-time.

I do not want a divorce, I do not want to break up the family. I just need to work out a way to have some happiness in life and do the best I can with what I've got. I owe it to my children to have an intact family. I will do whatever it takes including working outside the home.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You should take a look at your husband throught the help of a therapist before you just give in and 'become' what he wants.


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## Lavender&Lace (Oct 7, 2011)

*I wish I had the resources to do that. I know I need someone to talk to.*

I wish I had the fund and the means to get some counselling because I seriously believe I need some. I caused my own problems in life by getting married too young and for the wrong reasons.



turnera said:


> You should take a look at your husband throught the help of a therapist before you just give in and 'become' what he wants.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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