# Wife Left



## AskingForHelp (Oct 5, 2012)

Hello everyone! I am am man, just to clarify. I am new to posting here, but have been reading the site for a while. I am seeing marriages of people I am very close to - all falling apart in similar ways. I've done a lot of research online, and found they all fit the pattern described in the Michelle Langley book. All my friends, who are the husbands - were so confused and devastated. I wanted to know if anyone can give me some advice on how to help one of them.

In this situation, his wife has asked for a trial separation - and has moved out. This marriage was going very well, until a few months ago when the wife started becoming very angry all the time - and complaining that she was never happy. Soon after she asked for the separation and moved out, pretty quickly - and leaving a lot of her personal items behind.

A few more months have passed, and the 2 of them still keep in some contact - but nothing is progressing either way. Very much in limbo! I want to help my very close friend move on. He has no evidence, and refuses to believe his wife has had any type of affair. He seems paralyzed by fear, and is at her mercy. I just want the best from him, but he is so intent on believing she is a saint and thinks she will 'snap out of it' - that I don't know what to do. 

I realize this might be strange, asking for advise for somebody else. It's just that this is someone I really care about - and see this going very badly for him, so I was hoping some of you who might have been in a similar situation might be able to shed some light. Thanks!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Help him find the guy she cheating with and expose it.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Before she snaps out of it he has to snap out of it and force her to make a decision him or om.Help him investigate phone records maybe you could track her one day like Shaggy said.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Hire an PI and give the evidence to your friend.

In short if your friend refuse to look for him self then look for him and make sure you have hard evidence to show him.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

If he's waiting for her to change her mind, he's just her Plan B.

He should start the 180, treat her as having left the marriage and start moving on without her.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

As long as he's in denial and doesn't acknowledge the reality of his situation, there's really no way you can talk logic into him. But what you can do is gather a bit of evidence and send it his way.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

"I need space"

"I need my privacy, you're invading my privacy"

"We need to separate, I need to think"

Is all code word for "let me screw around"

Once they have realized that the OM/OW does not really want them and the BS (betrayed spouse) moves on they will realize a loss, not in all cases.

Tell your buddy/buddies, to ignore their wives, and to focus on themselves and move on, and if they come back they need to realize this "separation" bologna isn't going to fool them and that when/if they come back they need to snap to the rules that are set. Shape up or ship out.


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## AskingForHelp (Oct 5, 2012)

I know what he should do, but don't know how to get through to him. Since she has already left, he can't get evidence easily (computer, phone, clothes ...) - so I am thinking about trying to get some myself. Any ideas?

I was wondering if anyone in a similar situation could reply? Somebody who let wife wife leave, and trusted she's not the 'type' to cheat - and was strung along. What helped you move in the right direction?

Thanks!


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

AskingForHelp said:


> In this situation, his wife has asked for a trial separation - and has moved out.


This is so she doesn't have to work as hard to hide her lover(s). She can get her fill of strange tool(s) and then finally decide whether to settle back down by returning to the BH or move on to further slvtdom.



AskingForHelp said:


> This marriage was going very well, until a few months ago when the wife started becoming very angry all the time - and complaining that she was never happy. Soon after she asked for the separation and moved out, pretty quickly - and leaving a lot of her personal items behind.


Female SOP. She was getting pissed off because BH hadn't noticed she was fvcking around on him, which proves to her the BH is not a worthy male consort. If BH were truly her "soulmate" and "true love" he would have recognized the signs (read her mind) and put her back into line. This is further reinforced by his gamma attitudes throughout. Arguments also give her an excuse to storm off and get her ashes hauled. Either way, he failed the ultimate female sh!t test.



AskingForHelp said:


> A few more months have passed, and the 2 of them still keep in some contact - but nothing is progressing either way. Very much in limbo! I want to help my very close friend move on. He has no evidence, and *refuses to believe his wife has had any type of affair.*


Typical modern son of feminism. His natural instincts have been muted by 170 years of propaganda.



AskingForHelp said:


> He seems paralyzed by fear, and is at her mercy. I just want the best from him, but he is so intent on believing she is a saint and thinks she will 'snap out of it' - that I don't know what to do.


See above response. 



AskingForHelp said:


> I realize this might be strange, asking for advise for somebody else. It's just that this is someone I really care about - and see this going very badly for him, so I was hoping some of you who might have been in a similar situation might be able to shed some light. Thanks!


Every guy likes to play P.I. sometime. Help your friend out and get him some pix with one of her boyfriends. You'll have lots of fun doing it. Investigations are a blast. Don't forget the video.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

My wife never left she owned her infidelity and works hard to keep me from kicking her to the curb.

Maybe its best his wife did leave, she is no longer his problem and as a friend support him and take him to wieght room, going running with him and take him out to meet others. Start building his confidence and self esteem.

Maybe it best he moves on thinking she just wasn't right for him. It may be the lesser of two evils.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

AskingForHelp said:


> I know what he should do, but don't know how to get through to him. Since she has already left, he can't get evidence easily (computer, phone, clothes ...) - so I am thinking about trying to get some myself. Any ideas?
> 
> I was wondering if anyone in a similar situation could reply? Somebody who let wife wife leave, and trusted she's not the 'type' to cheat - and was strung along. What helped you move in the right direction?
> 
> Thanks!


Tag her car with a GPS tracker in a magnetic box stuck to the frame. It's more expensive, but much more effective to get the real time tracker. Otherwise, you can get the USB downloadable type, but you're always several days behind with that one.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

"Type to cheat?"

Thats the most laughable sentence I've ever heard of sadly enough,

Most anyone will cheat, just depends on conditions and boundaries of said person.

Not to knock on women, but when they leave a relationship they almost always have some man/woman waiting in the wing. 

Shes cheating on him, just need evidence. 

If you can't get in her car put a GPS on it and see if shes frequenting a man;s house or a hotel. If you can get in the car, slap a Voice Activated Recorder under her carseat with some velcro to hold it. 

I suggested that to friend once who knew what I went through. Got all he needed before the weekend was out. His girl would be yapping with the OM and trashing on her boyfriend to him most anytime she got in the car. 


From what I know of your friend, hes defining himself by his marriage so hes gonna be in some heavy denial cause from his viewpoint if he doesn't have his marriage he has nothing. You need to go to his house punch him in the face or gut, either one works.

I'm not joking about that, if he stays in that despondent "please come back to me" attitude hes in for a sh!tstorm whether she comes back or not. 

If she doesn't come back he will never move on.

If she does come back and hes acting like that I guarantee he'll be under her heel and she'd still probably continue the affair in some entitled wayward spouse fog. 


This may sound extreme, but guess what, its no more extreme than infidelity. That crap you see on lifetime or oxygen channels isn't infidelity. Its wishy-washy affair enabling drivel. Real infidelity leads to depression, abuse, mental illness, suicide, and/or a whole host of other problems. 

You need to wake your friend up fast so he can take control of his life before he gets too used to limbo.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Sounds like OP is in for some interesting stuff if he's up to the task.

BrickHouse Security | Home Security Camera Systems | GPS Surveillance

Try not to break any laws using all these awesome gadgets.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Kasler said:


> You need to go to his house punch him in the face or gut, either one works.



+100


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

> In this situation, his wife has asked for a trial separation - and has moved out. This marriage was going very well, until a few months ago when the wife started becoming very angry all the time - and complaining that she was never happy. Soon after she asked for the separation and moved out, pretty quickly - and leaving a lot of her personal items behind.


She's cheating on him. Women in long term marriages where things are going "very well" do not just up and leave for no reason. Especially without trying to work on things. Suddenly being angry and never "being happy" without identifying to him what HE may be doing wrong, and wanting a "trial separation" is nothing more than code speak for "I want to try another d!ck, but I'm going to keep you on the back burner in case Mr. Wonderful doesn't work out". 

If she's not trying to work on whatever issues really exist in the marriage (or whatever issues she manufactured in her head), well, women just don't do that. They don't just "walk away" without trying to work on things.

She's pulling this whole "I need space" thing, and I think he has but one option. Give her more "space" than she ever dreamed of. Hit her with divorce papers. No warning, no threatening, just have her served. 

This advice, of course, is assuming we have the whole story, and he hasn't done something terrible to warrant her moving out on him (affair, abuse, long term emotional neglect of her, etc).


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> +100


I tend to disagree here. How many times have well meaning friends gone and done just that only to get into a fist fight and end up being the bad guy for "trying to cause a rift" between the man and his wife. 

The thing is, you'll have to accept that this situation will play out on its own accord. But you can keep passing whatever evidence you find and all the rest of the literature associated with infidelity and all the "man up references" .


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Forget about him seeing the light right now. 
Mach had it. She got tried of sneaking around, and wanted some all nighters.

What you do is round up the gang, and take turns watching her. Or hire a PI. Here is maybe a way to at least get him to start to doubt her. If she is still on his phone plan, the next time you get together, get him to pull up the minutes and data usage. Look for numbers that she call or call her a lot, especially late nights. Check the txts sent and received. Tell him to do it to make you feel better.


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## AskingForHelp (Oct 5, 2012)

This is the whole story, I know them both very well - he hasn't done anything to her. I was hoping to get him to take a stand and either move on or force her to make a decision, but it isn't working. From all that I've read, and from all of your help - I cannot believe she isn't cheating (or at least did at some point, which led to her anger and wanting a separation).

Now - I think I'm going to have to get him evidence, to force him to face reality. I don't think I can do it myself, because she knows me too well - and I don't know if I'm sneaky enough. Also, since she's moved out - I don't have access to her things (car, computer, phone ...) 

To try to confront her about cheating, without evidence, I don't think is a good idea. She'll totally fly off the handle! Has anybody confronted their wife about cheating, without any real evidence - and she admitted to it? Also, anybody have any experience with hiring a PI, or how else I might be able to get some evidence without being recognized?

Thanks again everyone!


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

you have nothing to confront with. Hire a PI !!!

He won't need access to her.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Do you KNOW if she is on his cell plan ??


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Does she drive her car to work? Tag it in the lot.


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## AskingForHelp (Oct 5, 2012)

No car, and I'm not sure about the cell phone plan. I think it should be pretty easy for a PI, maybe just follow her around for a day? I know he'll be pissed at me at first - if I show him some evidence, but I think it's the only way I can get him to move on. 

I had thought about just telling her I hired a PI a while ago, and know what's going on - so if she doesn't do something , I'll expose her. Not sure if she'll buy it though?


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

be very careful where you tread. He might lose a wife but you could lose a good friend.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

sounds like he needs some ic pronto he's a big boy though all you can do is suggest it.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Any reason why you believe she is cheating ? maybe they have other issues in the marriage ?


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## AskingForHelp (Oct 5, 2012)

There really aren't other issues. It is word for word, what so many stories I've read here are - and they all end in cheating. Even as it moves forward, it mirrors exactly what has happened to other men here. I guess I'm not 100% sure - but maybe 99%.

I am worried he won't take it well, if I get some evidence on my own - and then he'll be left without a wife and a best friend. But...if I don't, he will continue to be blindly strung along for maybe years and be miserable. Any time he moves towards a divorce, she throws him a bone - and he's reeled in again.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

My advice is to leave it alone. I've had lots of friends over the years who still won't admit what happened, even after the divorce and subsequent events unveiled it all. One of my friends had his wife lose a very valuable wedding ring set on a business trip. That was just the first red flag, with many others following, finally culminating in marriage with the final OM. I gave him the straight scoop as soon as he told me about the ring, and I reminded him later as he related many other business travel stories. Get this: she was untreated bipolar the whole marriage.

I'm pretty certain her whole stint as a road warrior was one big fvckfest and he still doesn't believe she could ever have cheated on him. Seriously, it didn't take long for me to see that he was actively ignoring hard proof, so I shut up. We're still friends, but he's single.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Well, have you spoken to her?

She might have had some s**tty advice from a 'friend' who told her she needed space.

She might now be realising she made a mistake but be too embarrassed to admit to her husband that she messed up. But is not actually cheating.

Have you talked with her? Or got a mutual female friend to talk to her? Find out what is going on?


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

As he is so blind to what is going on, and seems to want to stay that way, I suggest if you do anything to uncover the truth, you TELL HIM FIRST. Tell him what you intend to do, because you cannot stand to see him being taken for a ride. And anything you uncover you will bring to him. And if you find nothing you will be the first to apologise.

At least then you won't be forcing him to.face things he doesn't want to and wishes NEVER to. If he truly doesn't want to know, don't waste your time. Some people don't. Just let him deal with it in his own way. If he truly wants to know, he will accept you doing what you need to do to help him, and he won't be blindsided by the results, and you won't lose a best friend.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

kenmoore14217 said:


> be very careful where you tread. He might lose a wife but you could lose a good friend.


Sorry to say, OP's friend sounds gone. Does not even listen to or consider his friend...


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

Kasler said:


> "
> From what I know of your friend, hes defining himself by his marriage so hes gonna be in some heavy denial cause from his viewpoint if he doesn't have his marriage he has nothing. You need to go to his house punch him in the face or gut, either one works.


This describes me  You lose yourself to a relationship and to a woman that has nothing but tumbleweeds and ice in her heart where affection for you used to be, and you are a goner.


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## AskingForHelp (Oct 5, 2012)

Thank you all for the advice!

I talked to him and tried to get some more details on what his thoughts are. He knows that their is a chance she cheated, but also is saying that they are having talks about getting divorced. He seems to know logically that staying in this marriage is not in his best interest, but every time she acts nice towards him - he gets sucked back a little. 

My fear is that, unless he knows for sure she cheated - she will continue to hold some power over him, and he will not be able to let go completely. Do you think there is any reason or advantage of him knowing she cheated - if they are going to get divorced regardless, or will it just cause him unnecessary pain?


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

AskingForHelp, interestingly, that's the same reason I came to this site, because two of my very close friends are going through the same thing; once I got here I just got interested and stayed. (Although I did go through infidelity myself years ago.)

Here's some advice, from someone who's in an almost identical situation as you. Don't get overly involved. Offer help or advice if asked, but don't impose information that isn't being sought.

Machiavelli was correct, you may lose a friend over this.

Let me ask you a personal question; why does it distress you so much that your friend is resisting knowing the truth?


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

AskingForHelp said:


> Thank you all for the advice!
> 
> I talked to him and tried to get some more details on what his thoughts are. He knows that their is a chance she cheated, but also is saying that they are having talks about getting divorced. He seems to know logically that staying in this marriage is not in his best interest, but every time she acts nice towards him - he gets sucked back a little.
> 
> My fear is that, unless he knows for sure she cheated - she will continue to hold some power over him, and he will not be able to let go completely. Do you think there is any reason or advantage of him knowing she cheated - if they are going to get divorced regardless, or will it just cause him unnecessary pain?


If she in fact has cheated, he needs to know. It will help him make an educated decision now, and will help him steel himself for the rough road ahead when he has doubts or is lonely.

And she's following a script that so many cheaters do. They fear they're on the verge of being busted, so they turn up the romance and sex at home to throw the BS off. You only need to look at the affair forums of another board. The things they do and advise there when a BS becomes suspicious. "Husband suspicious! I gave him an awesome bj and screwed his brains out, and now all seems fine! Back to see the OM". They know how to "suck people back in", and it has nothing to do with realizing a mistake and trying to make it right. It has everything to do with "cake eating", manipulating, and keeping the "paycheck man" and father of the children in the dark so they can live their two lives. They're going to do just enough to string someone along to remove suspicion and keep them around. Truly pathetic.


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## AskingForHelp (Oct 5, 2012)

I want my friend to know the truth, because I think that's will allow him to move on. I think she is very manipulative, and she keeps giving him nuggets of hope. I even fear that they might get divorced, but she will still continue to do this - while she continues to live her life.

I also think that it will help him in future relationships, but it also could jade him. From all the research I've done, and people I've heard from on this site - I think it's better to assume that any woman can cheat on you, so do not ever fall into a comfort zone. 

And...while she continues to be in his life, he suffers. He avoids many potentially enjoyable social situations, so he doesn't have explain why she isn't there. He will not let any of us talk to her, or anybody she knows - and he has just become angry towards the people who care about him, whenever the topic of his wife, marriage, divorce... comes up.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

AskingForHelp said:


> He avoids many potentially enjoyable social situations, so he doesn't have explain why she isn't there. He will not let any of us talk to her, or anybody she knows - and he has just become angry towards the people who care about him, whenever the topic of his wife, marriage, divorce... comes up.


Which means he wants to be left alone. He doesn't want to discuss it. He wants to work through this in his own way.

You would be more helpful to him if you would just go hangout and watch tv, football, whatever, just be his buddy, and not discuss his marriage unless he brings it up first.


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