# Wife caught - what now...



## Bob333 (Feb 16, 2013)

Hi all,

Yet another victim of Spousal infidelity.... not great!

We have been married for about 14 years, and together longer, SHe had a past - 3 husbands, and a history of infidelity. SHe was up front about it. I later found out that she had a daughter with one of the husbands, and that he took the daughter away as a result of the cheating, and then denied her access.

We discussed it all, and agreed that should we feel like the marriage wasn't working, we would discuss and talk things through, rather than just cheat. I have been faithful throughout the marriage, and just found out she was cheating.

I see terms like "an emotional affair" and she claims they only kissed, but I had left my tablet recording audio at home one night when I had to go out, and there was a couple of conversations with the guy on the phone starting about 2 minutes after I left the house. It may have been emotional only - excluding the kisses, but that was likely due to the fact I caught it at an early stage.

She has professed that same stuff that others have written about here - mistake, undying love, no-one else to live for, and I know what to do, end it - and try to rebuild a life. 

What I hate the most is that we have a 6 year old, who will be damaged by this. I want to protect her as much as possible, and so am being "practical" in every way I can to help get her up & running somewhere else (we have unusual circumstances).

I would just love to hear from some women out there who have cheated, been caught, and wanted forgiveness to see firstly what made you think you deserved it, and how you expected your Husbands to forgive & forget.

I would also like to hear from other men who have faced this, to see what you did, and what the results were.....


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

sorry to hear but rule #1 in the cheaters guide we just kissed= we had sex and it was awsome and im not stopping. ive been here done that divorced 9 years ago remarrried 6 years later. you may forgive but you will NEVER forget. AND YOU caught it its not over it will go under ground.

the so called undying love means (well 95% of the time 5% they mean it) you are plan b and plan A hasnt developed yet i need more time.

again sorry but a cheater can stop after 1 affair! if they end it and show remourse but what you have said she is a serial CHEATER and she will never stop sorry man file for D get the upper hand.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Sadly, I don't see much hope when dealing with a serial cheater, but my advice is if you want to try to save the marriage, you have to do exactly what everyone here tells you to do. They know what they are talking about.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Bob333 said:


> SHe had a past - 3 husbands, and a history of infidelity. SHe was up front about it. I later found out that she had a daughter with one of the husbands, and that he took the daughter away as a result of the cheating, and then denied her access.


Why did you marry her?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So, you are cheatee number 4.

Does she know why she does this?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Bob333 said:


> I see terms like "an emotional affair" and she claims they only kissed, but I had left my tablet recording audio at home one night when I had to go out, and there was a couple of conversations with the guy on the phone starting about 2 minutes after I left the house. It may have been emotional only - excluding the kisses, but that was likely due to the fact I caught it at an early stage.
> 
> *She has professed that same stuff that others have written about here - mistake, undying love, no-one else to live for, and I know what to do, end it - and try to rebuild a life.*
> 
> ...


The blue above - just words. Cheaters lie. Don't believe the words, believe the actions.

We all have different boundaries and limits. Me, married 14 with a six-year-old, I probably try to reconcile if wife is sorry, willing to cease the affair, and willing to PROVE IT BY ACTIONS.

1. She handwrites a no contact letter to the other man stating that she wants no more contact, and if he tries to contact her she will file harrassment charges against him. If he attempts to contact her, she does not answer or respond and lets you know about it immediately.

2. She gives up passwords to all communication devices and accounts, agrees not to delete anything going forward. Agrees to let you know her whereabouts 24/7. She blocks him on Facebook or she deletes her Facebook account. If you feel you need it, she gets rid of her cell phone, too, or at least blocks his phone number on there.

3. She gives you the whole truth and allows you to verify it. Other man's name, where he lives, where he works, his home phone number, his work phone number, his email address, his facebook page, how she met him, his wife's name, how long he's been married, how many kids he has, etc. When it started, how many times they had sex, why she did it, whatever you want to know. She handwrites out a timeline of the affair, when she first decided to get inappropriate with other man, when she first decided to have sex, when they had sex, what they did, etc. If she can't give you evidence (for example, an email dated from the day you found out stating "I can't wait for the first time we can have sex") then she agrees to take a polygraph.

4. By the way, it is highly unusual for two adults who are professing undying love for each other to meet up and only kiss. Not two adults - we are not talking about sixth-graders here. It is theoretically possible, but without proof, I would not believe it. I believe if you push enough on this, you will find out they groped, she felt his junk, had oral, had sex, it wasn't just once, etc. That's what happens more times than not. All the cheaters start out with "we were just friends" and "we only kissed once." It almost never turns out to be the truth. If the story doesn't seem to make sense, like "we just kissed once," then it's probably a lie.

5. You contact other man's wife and let her know her husband has been unfaithful. You don't tell your wife you are doing this.

6. You put a voice-activated recorder in the car and in the house where she is likely to talk on the phone so you can catch her if she is lying about ending the affair. If the voice-activated recorder turns up nothing, then you've re-built a little trust. Good either way.

7. You look at call logs on the phone bill to see if they've been contacting each other and if they match up to her call log on her phone.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Two ways you can deal with this, mate.

Divorce her.

Or live with her cheating. Or, rather, stop her cheating by allowing her some leeway. The reason I raise this possibility is because, to be frank, surely you saw this day coming, based on her record?:scratchhead:

Actually, there's a third way. Counselling for her to help free her of whatever monster lurks within her. And see if you can take it from there.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

She cheated on her other husbands...so...can't say you should be surprised.


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## Bob333 (Feb 16, 2013)

THanks, pretty much already decided on the way forward, as above, to those who ask why I married her......... I know, I believed the hype and loved her - much to the abject horror of my family at the time, and the damage that did to my relationship with them will take time to heal - at least they are not saying "told you so".

I have told her to get counselling, and see how she feels in a few months time, we can talk again at that point, but I honestly see no way back - the relationship we had was built on the "Past life not what I want now...." and now that she has repeated the behaviour (who knows if its happened before without being caught) the trust and relationship is over..... My parents - and they have to be saints for this, say "don't burn your bridges, you don't know how you will feel in time" but I can't see anything happening that would allow me to rebuild trust here, no matter how much time passes!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Bob333 said:


> THanks, pretty much already decided on the way forward, as above, to those who ask why I married her......... I know, I believed the hype and loved her - much to the abject horror of my family at the time, and the damage that did to my relationship with them will take time to heal - at least they are not saying "told you so".
> 
> I have told her to get counselling, and see how she feels in a few months time, we can talk again at that point, but I honestly see no way back - the relationship we had was built on the "Past life not what I want now...." and now that she has repeated the behaviour (who knows if its happened before without being caught) the trust and relationship is over..... My parents - and they have to be saints for this, say "don't burn your bridges, you don't know how you will feel in time" but I can't see anything happening that would allow me to rebuild trust here, no matter how much time passes!


Do you love her? Does she love you?

Thing is, you knew her limitations, yet you still took her on.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Actually, there's a third way. Counselling for her to help free her of whatever monster lurks within her. And see if you can take it from there.


I would love to know the monsters lurking within my husband that make him have such an addictive personality (serial cheater, porn, gambling). On the outside, to those not living with him, he is such a great guy who would give you the shirt off his back, however, to those closest to him, he is the opposite. He is downright ruthless.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

for the record bob 99% of the people here want you to live a long happy married life we really do, we have just seen this play out way too many time. i will give you credit looks like you are seeing the light. if you want any chance and its small at saving the marriage hit her with divorce papers. shock her into reality but with her past and D 3 times this shock will most likley not work. move on find a woman who deserves to be with you!!!!


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

terrence4159 said:


> for the record bob 99% of the people here want you to live a long happy married life we really do, we have just seen this play out way too many time. i will give you credit looks like you are seeing the light. if you want any chance and its small at saving the marriage hit her with divorce papers. shock her into reality but with her past and D 3 times this shock will most likley not work. move on find a woman who deserves to be with you!!!!


Yes. Too bad, in her case, she knows the routine and divorce is sort of expected at this point.


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

Bob. You should definitely leave her so she can suffer the consequences of yet another failure due to her behaviour. She probably genuinely thought it would be different this time.. and this time her shame and despair may be that much more due to the unavoidable realization that its all her and shes messed up.

Tell her you don't know if you ever want to get back together again and that you need your own space to evaluate what you want.

Tell her the only possible way she could ever hope to resurrect this is to get into deep intensive psychological counselling, preferably from someone who specializes in infidelity. She must fix herself before she can ever be faithful to anyone and she must put in the hard work. Her word just doesn't cut it anymore.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

How did you find out ? What did she do to make you suspicious ?

She called him two min after you left ? Have you checked the phone records ?


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## Bob333 (Feb 16, 2013)

@ Warlock - I had suspicions, and was told I was being paranoid and stupid, so one night when I went out for a business meeting I left my Ipad on record, and literally 2 minutes after the door closed, she's on the phone with him!

The thing to remember with phone records, emails, etc... is that everything can be deleted, trying to go back and retrieve means that there is enough there to call it quits anyway. 

Its funny how those of us who were cheated on feel guilty about forcing the split!!!


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

*Re: Re: Wife caught - what now...*



Bob333 said:


> @ Warlock - I had suspicions, and was told I was being paranoid and stupid, so one night when I went out for a business meeting I left my Ipad on record, and literally 2 minutes after the door closed, she's on the phone with him!
> 
> The thing to remember with phone records, emails, etc... is that everything can be deleted, trying to go back and retrieve means that there is enough there to call it quits anyway.
> 
> Its funny how those of us who were cheated on feel guilty about forcing the split!!!


The records that are kept by your cell phone service provider cant be altered or deleted. You may have to register on their web site, but the records will be there for you to look at. Even if the logs on the phone have been scrubbed, they will still be recorder by the service provider.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Serial cheaters make for a great lay but not much else.


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## Flowers (Feb 5, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> The blue above - just words. Cheaters lie. Don't believe the words, believe the actions.
> 
> We all have different boundaries and limits. Me, married 14 with a six-year-old, I probably try to reconcile if wife is sorry, willing to cease the affair, and willing to PROVE IT BY ACTIONS.
> 
> ...


I absolutely like this answer, this is the only way forward. Gosh am still laughing about point number 4 that's why I have highlighted it.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Bob333~

I have to say that given the facts as they currently are, I agree with your conclusion that the relationship is over. However, I actually am pretty pro-marriage and there is one conceivable way through this. It's the way where you do not believe one, single word she says, but this time of her own accord, she realizes she has a problem and SHE makes the initiative to deal with it. 

See, we are all grown ups here. We all know that no marriage is perfect, loving, infatuating, interesting and "fun" all the time. People work long hours, they get tired, there are kids and bills, and then life throws middle-age at you. We also all know that no affair happens in a vacuum, so before you even say anything, I know that you know there are things you could have done better or differently in the marriage. But that is WAAAAAAAY not the point here. The point is that she has something in her mental health that is broken, and after a certain bit, she seeks the thrill of infatuation via adultery. Somehow in her morals, that is acceptable and she hasn't learned the lesson. Now I don't mean this mean--sometimes people don't have a firm boundary, cross the line, and then learn "Oh hey, I am weak here and to protect myself and my marriage I need to do THIS." They learn the lesson, and usually mature along the way. Well, something inside her keeps doing this over and over so the one way through all this would be if SHE...of her own accord...realized there was something wrong within her (like maybe she does not know what Love is, or she looks for Love in all the wrong places, or something) and the pain of avoiding that thing is worse than the fear of facing it. 

See she's done it over and over, so clearly she is afraid of facing herself. If she said, "The cost is just TOO HIGH. I have to get to the bottom of this and fearlessly face myself with a counselor" then she would not just be making empty promises of undying love and blahblahblah, but her ACTIONS would be like someone who is uncomfortable but trying to be and think and feel differently. She would be the one saying it was HER, and is HER ISSUE, and SHE needs to fix herself and because she cares about you and your daughter, she is willing to put down her pride and admit she has a problem...and actively work on changing the problem. 

See, if she did that...if she went to counseling because she looked up the counselor, and she found out who went with her insurance, and she made the appointment, and she got her butt there every time...that would show something. That would be taking deliberate and serious action. And then it would STILL be up to you if you wanted to deal with it or not. Even then, if she did all that, it would still be well within your right to say, "I'm glad you decided to face yourself but you knew going into this that an unfaithful partner was not acceptable to me, and it still is not" and be done.

Either way, the best thing you can do right now is completely leave her to do what she's going to do. Detach and focus on yourself and being the man you want to be and have the potential to be and should be. Be the kind of man where you can look yourself in the mirror--and let her choose what kind of woman she's going to be. If she wants to make promises and do no work, that actually is an answer! It means: "I don't want to address this and I don't intend to learn from it or change." There ya go. You've got your answer.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Not even losing her dauhgter made her stop this compulsion. The frequent advice about giving them "consequences" seems don't work for her.
4th marriage, stranged from her daughter, serial cheating and still unable to stop. Short of a brain transplant I don't see how she's going to change. She needs serious, specialized therapy, for her own sake. It's an addiction nad must be treated as such. I'd pay a visit to a CSAT.
I'd divorce her anyway. The only thing would make me stay for a while (of course watching closely any progress) is naturaly the kid. The likelyhood is her door would be a revolving door the very moment to move out.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

This song sez it all. Listen and understand.

Faron Young Your Time's Comin' - YouTube


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> This song sez it all. Listen and understand.
> 
> Faron Young Your Time's Comin' - YouTube


Brilliant!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Bob333 said:


> @ Warlock - I had suspicions, and was told I was being paranoid and stupid, so one night when I went out for a business meeting I left my Ipad on record, and literally 2 minutes after the door closed, she's on the phone with him!
> 
> The thing to remember with phone records, emails, etc... is that everything can be deleted, trying to go back and retrieve means that there is enough there to call it quits anyway.


*You need to get the records from the provider, they can't be deleted. If it is an Iphone, deleted texts can be recovered 

Checking the cell phone records is the minmum you need to do. For example how many texts did she send? Who is the om? If he is in a relationship, his partner needs to be informed.


Btw, you need to read MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER, you can get it quickly at amazon.

Its funny how those of us who were cheated on feel guilty about forcing the split!!!*


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Kissing is not EA, it is PA. Either way, most "it was just a kiss" means sex.

If you want to R, you have to drop the hammer, take out your iron fist and lay the law down and play james bond for a while. She is tainted with love for cheating, seeking new flames, new love, high dopamine environments.

Other than that you can always say forget it and D and not risk being a cuckold.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

> We have been married for about 14 years, and together longer, SHe had a past - 3 husbands, and a history of infidelity. SHe was up front about it.


Okay bit of a red flag.



> I later found out that she had a daughter with one of the husbands, and that he took the daughter away as a result of the cheating, and then denied her access.


Okay so she should have already had a pretty good idea that cheating has consequences.



> We discussed it all, and agreed that should we feel like the marriage wasn't working, we would discuss and talk things through, rather than just cheat. I have been faithful throughout the marriage, and just found out she was cheating.


Serial cheaters lie. Can't believe anything they say.



> I see terms like "an emotional affair" and she claims they only kissed, but I had left my tablet recording audio at home one night when I had to go out, and there was a couple of conversations with the guy on the phone starting about 2 minutes after I left the house. It may have been emotional only - excluding the kisses, but that was likely due to the fact I caught it at an early stage.


I'm a bit of a "The glass was half full but fell off the ledge and I accidently stepped on it and am now bleeding from the foot and the wound most likely got infected" kinda guy. So with her track record I'm going to go out on a limb and assume they've been ****ing.



> She has professed that same stuff that others have written about here - mistake, undying love, no-one else to live for, and I know what to do, end it - and try to rebuild a life.


Cheater's script. Like a series of bad movies with the same ****ed up plot.



> What I hate the most is that we have a 6 year old, who will be damaged by this. I want to protect her as much as possible, and so am being "practical" in every way I can to help get her up & running somewhere else (we have unusual circumstances).


That's good. Focus on yourself and your daughter.



> I would just love to hear from some women out there who have cheated, been caught, and wanted forgiveness to see firstly what made you think you deserved it, and how you expected your Husbands to forgive & forget.


Dude she's a serial cheater. If the same behavior she's engaging in with you already caused her to lose a daughter from a previous marriage (of which she has been 4 times now) and she's STILL DOING IT chances are she's not going to change even if she does want you to forgive & forget. If you're even willing to try.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think she's a serial marryer. She's been married so many times and divorced so many times that it's just the same old drill. When she falls in love, she gets married. If that doesn't work out, she gets divorced - been there, done that, no big deal, can manage it again.

I wonder, though, if this time it isn't a bigger deal than before. I wonder if her brain isn't processing this differently. This wasn't a short-term marriage and you have a child. Just wonder.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Bob333 said:


> Hi all,
> 
> Yet another victim of Spousal infidelity.... not great!
> 
> ...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

HappyHubby said:


> Bob. You should definitely leave her so she can suffer the consequences of yet another failure due to her behaviour. She probably genuinely thought it would be different this time.. and this time her shame and despair may be that much more due to the unavoidable realization that its all her and shes messed up.
> 
> Tell her you don't know if you ever want to get back together again and that you need your own space to evaluate what you want.
> 
> Tell her the only possible way she could ever hope to resurrect this is to get into deep intensive psychological counselling, preferably from someone who specializes in infidelity. She must fix herself before she can ever be faithful to anyone and she must put in the hard work. Her word just doesn't cut it anymore.


Of course, an off-the-wall suggestion, do not divorce her. And what would happen?

She might continue to cheat or, if you break the pattern by not divorcing her, she might not cheat again.

The latter is a strategy with some risk involved and should probably include counselling.


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## boogie110 (Aug 3, 2012)

SaltInWound said:


> I would love to know the monsters lurking within my husband that make him have such an addictive personality (serial cheater, porn, gambling). On the outside, to those not living with him, he is such a great guy who would give you the shirt off his back, however, to those closest to him, he is the opposite. He is downright ruthless.


I just quoted this to my husband - I thought it written so brilliantly. He is this precisely - the gambling is different, it is debt - and he said nothing. I thought it was brilliant as I said and asked why he said nothing and he said that well, he isn't ruthless. He thinks ruthless must mean that the man is mean and awful to his family - not simply serial cheating, porn, debt... These cheaters just have such amazingly different brains - they really do think so differently. Their brains are broken. But still a great quote!:smthumbup:


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## boogie110 (Aug 3, 2012)

Well, you do have a six year old.

How is she as a mother - aside from f;ing around, how is she with the child, precisely.

If she is great - then you MUST do everything you can to make this work. However, why did the other guy take the child away previously.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Three time losers aren't really good marriage material.
Hate to ask, but how do you "know" she wasn't cheating eight years ago?


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## Bob333 (Feb 16, 2013)

hookares said:


> Three time losers aren't really good marriage material.
> Hate to ask, but how do you "know" she wasn't cheating eight years ago?


Of course, now I don't... all those ups & downs etc... are now reviewed and questioned at 3 am..... this is the betrayal working its way through the system.

I had already made my decision before posting, but wanted other views - obviously I'm not walking around the neighbourhood asking people their advice!!

As we had discussed all of this before getting together, and she still displayed the same behaviour as in other marriages, there is no hope of making it work. I took a "business" strategy approach, and crossed out any "unacceptable, or undesirable futures. yes bringing up a young lady is daunting, but not as bad as having her grow up in a dysfunctional family where she learns that infidelity has no consequences.


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## Ignis (Feb 16, 2013)

Really sorry to read this. I think you must admit that your wife has some issues that you can not control. That means you have to give her ultimate: marital counseling/healing or divorce.

By the way, not only your sun is important, YOU are important too - your self esteem will be demaged and you can not afford this!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Regarding the question for women who have cheated, look up cantsitstill and pm her.
Talk About Marriage - View Profile: CantSitStill

Here is another I believe, EI

Talk About Marriage - View Profile: EI

Good luck and prayers for your family


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> > I later found out that she had a daughter with one of the husbands, and that he took the daughter away as a result of the cheating, and then denied her access.



I think there is a bit more to this. A lot more.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

There's no way a Mom is denied access to her daughter except for extreme circunstances. Not unless she doesn't want access.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You knew going in, this was an "iffy" proposition---for your daughter's sake cut your losses---your daughter will be much better off, WITH YOU---if possible, then with a now soon to be FOUR TIME CHEATING LOSER, who will do nothing but parade strange men in front of her---which could very well be a horrible role model for her growing up---if you don't shut down that avenue.


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## Bob333 (Feb 16, 2013)

jnj express said:


> You knew going in, this was an "iffy" proposition---for your daughter's sake cut your losses---your daughter will be much better off, WITH YOU---if possible, then with a now soon to be FOUR TIME CHEATING LOSER, who will do nothing but parade strange men in front of her---which could very well be a horrible role model for her growing up---if you don't shut down that avenue.


and that is a major concern!!! Plus you read about what some of those guys do to young girls when the Mom is sleeping or out.... :iagree:


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## Bob333 (Feb 16, 2013)

Acabado said:


> There's no way a Mom is denied access to her daughter except for extreme circunstances. Not unless she doesn't want access.


He won custody, and was making it hard for her to see him, of course the pain of that is probably easier to bear if you can blame him for taking her away, and make him the aggressor, you the victim - there are signs she is trying to do the same to me, and I will not become the aggressor here - rather will ensure that she knows who her mother is at all times, and has access to her, custody is a problem for her due to where we live, and the fact that neither of us are in our native countries.... but that isn't my fault, just trying to play the best hand with the cards given!!


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

You said you "later found out she had a daughter with one of the husbands and that he took the daughter away as a result of the cheating, and then denied her access". 

Did you know about this daughter before you got married?


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Bob333 said:


> He won custody, and was making it hard for her to see him, of course the pain of that is probably easier to bear if you can blame him for taking her away, and make him the aggressor, you the victim - there are signs she is trying to do the same to me, and I will not become the aggressor here - rather will ensure that she knows who her mother is at all times, and has access to her, custody is a problem for her due to where we live, and the fact that neither of us are in our native countries.... but that isn't my fault, just trying to play the best hand with the cards given!!


He won custody for a reason. Clearly that doesn't happen unless the mother is seen as being unfit or unable to raise the child ... or simply doesn't want the child. She is a victim of her own doing. Digging into that a bit more might give you a better perspective about her. The fact that she didn't tell you about her daughter upfront is telling.


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## Bob333 (Feb 16, 2013)

Feelings are funny things aren't they - I didn't stop loving her - rather she went and sought out someone else, for whatever reason.... I wish I had been a Ba*@Ard, crap in bed, unloving, unfaithful, away a lot.... something to hang a reason on....

Of course my feelings for her are still there, but when ever I think about "that" I can only see the betrayal.... so one the one hand I love her still, and on the other I hate her... rock and a hard place spring to mind!!!

If this doesn't drive you mad......

By the way, all of this has happened like a bad movie, with the new of "Bladerunner" killing his "Model" girlfriend, (assume that refers to her job, rather than her level of excellence, or being a kit).... click like if you think something similar has happened - drunk on Valentines, found out she's either leaving, or will a "Real man", and he lost it, hit her with the bat, and then shot her to try and pretend he thought is was an intruder...... betting that was it!!!!


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