# Midlife Crisis in Men



## Media_girl24 (Aug 19, 2012)

Have any of you been through this? Is it possible to explain to the point that I can understand why my ex-husband is going through?

I've been divorced from him for a year and a half, after he hooked up with two different women from his past via Facebook and started having affairs. He moved five hours away from our daughter to go live with one of them (after having helped break up both their marriages.) His relationship with our child is spotty at best... a couple of phone calls a week, visits every 3-4 months. He does send his child support checks on time, but seems very caught up in his new life. 

When I remember him holding our newborn baby girl with tears running down his cheeks, and then fast forward to the man who can't seem to make time in his life for our child... WTF? I've done all the research online and am completely convinced that he is indeed in the process of MLC. I just can't wrap my head around it, and wondered if any of you might help me gain perspective. I think it might help me better manage this, as I have a very hurt daughter (who has autism, which further complicates things) and want to do my best to raise her with a good sense of self-worth. Hard to do when its obvious that her father has many priorities in his life that rank above her.

Any words of wisdom would be appreciated. Thanks!


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Good Luck. Im relatively sure my H has been in the midst of a mid life crisis for the past 5 yrs or so. He has had an EA during which he was more concerned with his girlfriend(vomit) than he was his daughter, his emotional intelligence is in the toilet and though he's never had a huge amount of empathy, he has even less than usual now. He has come to the "me first" frame of mind. Always looking for validation and over thinks some things and seemingly gives NO thought to others and can be incredibly shallow at times.

Again, I wish you luck. Its a helluva ride. I think all you can do is wait it out unfortunately.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

I had a MLC. I wanted some excitement in my life, something new, something that made me feel young. I didn't care what anyone thought about how reckless I was getting. Then it happened. 

For me, I got a new bike and two helmets. For us, I got a two seater with a five speed and stick lessons for her. 

Your husband is just a plain selfish child who couldn't stand up to a man's commitments. Stop obsessing with looking for a reason that's anything more than that. 

Sorry you're in the situation. My Godson is autistic. He just started college. Take heart.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

MG

While i'm not of the belief that MLC actually exists, I do know it's not an excuse for infidelity

If it does exist, I would think it is more like Anchor describes

Besides, you've been divorced from him a year and a half. Yes, he's acting like an azz when dealing with his child but other tahn that why do you care?


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## Media_girl24 (Aug 19, 2012)

Toffer said:


> MG
> 
> While i'm not of the belief that MLC actually exists, I do know it's not an excuse for infidelity
> 
> ...


Because I have a child who hurts terribly because of her father's neglect. This afternoon, she came to me sobbing, and when I asked what was wrong, said "I miss my Dad." I worry about the message that being so far down on his priority list sends her. I'm trying to figure out how to best manage this for her sake. 

I really want to say to her, "Its him, not you" but I'm not sure its the right thing to say to her. I want to tell her that her father's a fvcked up mess who has put his own needs first, and that she shouldn't blame herself for his decisions. I've made the mistake of apologizing to her a couple of times for him, and she's asked me why I apologize. I do because I feel terrible that I managed to pick a man who is such a self-centered mess to be her father.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

It's hard to know if you were dealing with a MLC or just a plain ole cheating husband. Any other outlandish behavior? My cheating estranged husband had a very bad MLC which started in 2006. He tossed his marriage of 20 plus years, destroyed a thriving business, depleted us of all assets, went on extravagant trips, bought a load of high-end clothes (to include Prada shoes), bought a boat (& wouldn't pay the marina fees), moved to a gated community at the beach, had a host of very young girls he found on SugarDaddy.com, and was a swinger on another adult web site. There was much more chaos, but that's the high-points.

I really worry about the impact all of this has had on our children. Their teenage years have been much tougher than they should have been. About all that you can do is be there for your daughter. If your ex-husband's life is in turmoil, he's actually doing your daughter a favor by keeping his distance. I know I wish my children hadn't seen some of the things which went on at their dad's house.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

First of all, I am really sorry that you are going though this. I am 57 and I have never had MLC like you describe. However, at the age of 39, I felt that there was something unfinished in my life. At the urging of my awesome wife, I went back to college and finished my undergraduate and graduate degrees. I think if that the so called mid life crisis can be positive it it gives a person the impetus to make positive changes in his or her life.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

I do not know what age people have this so call "MLC". I think that we all (men & women) have periods in our life when we realize we need to make changes.

For me it was when my wife had some health problems, I was 40 and I felt the need to look closely at my life, my relationships, my priorities. I did not like the person I had become. I was taking my wife for granted, I was not giving my children the time they deserved, Spending too much time at work, had too many outside interests. I was trying to do too many thinks at the same time and therefore not doing any of them as well as I should have been.

I made the changes in my life that were needed to remake my marriage and sorted out my life / work balance. This even freed up some "me time".


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

I am not really sure where to stand on this. I am 42 and think I may be going through this myself right now. I make decent money but don't enjoy my job. My 13 year is driving me insane and our sex life sucks. I don't get much joy out of anything currently and have little to no motivation and it is driving me crazy.. So I suppose for lack of a better term, I could use a little "fun" in my life right now.

That being said, I agree with George259 in that I think many men use it as an excuse for REALLY bad behavior and I would never even consider not being involved with my kids because of it.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

frustr8dhubby said:


> I am 42 and think I may be going through this myself right now. I make decent money but don't enjoy my job. My 13 year is driving me insane and our sex life sucks. I don't get much joy out of anything currently and have little to no motivation and it is driving me crazy.. So I suppose for lack of a better term, I could use a little "fun" in my life right now.
> 
> .


I was in a similar position to you. If you and your wife are both prepared and able to put in the effort you can end up in a much better place.
Try and emotionally stand back from your situation (easier said than done I know).
Work out what are the truly important aspects of your life and concentrate on doing all you can to make them as good as possible. Keep a positive mental attitude you will stand a better chance that way.
Please do not fall into the trap of thinking you can have "just a bit of fun" outside of your marriage. I have seen too many friends go down that road and it usually leads to disaster.

Best of luck.


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

Wiltshireman said:


> Keep a positive mental attitude...


This is where I have struggled most of my life.. 



Wiltshireman said:


> Please do not fall into the trap of thinking you can have "just a bit of fun" outside of your marriage. I have seen too many friends go down that road and it usually leads to disaster.


In this case I wasn't specifically talking about "fun outside my marriage", just "fun" in general. But thank you.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

frustr8dhubby said:


> In this case I wasn't specifically talking about "fun outside my marriage", just "fun" in general.


If through mutual effort you and your wife can get your relationship to a better place then I am sure you will have more "fun".
Fun as a couple,
Fun as a family,
and there will even be some time left for
Fun just for you as we do all need some "me time".


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