# Double Standard on TAM?



## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

I recently wrote about dealing with my feelings about a possible reconciliation with my H. I've been separated 3 months (I left him) and have been dating another man casually. Married 8 years, dated 2. No kids. The 3 responses I received all agreed with this comment "c'mon, you slept with another man on your anniversary night, if that isn't sign enough that your marriage is dead, I don't know what is. Cut your H loose and move on."

Then I read a quite similar story about a man who left his wife. He, however, has been seeing someone seriously for 6 months, starting right after his separation, but he's considering going back to his wife. He does have a teenage daughter so that's a difference. He received a lot of heartfelt comments about his predicament and a mix of advice - some saying move on, but many saying try MC and give reconciliation a shot. 

Why the discrepancy? Just because I didn't want to be alone on what would have been our 8 year anniversary doesn't mean I don't still have feelings for my husband. It can just mean I'm lonely and vulnerable. And confused. Yet I felt very judged for my behavior here. 

Was it because I was mostly responded to by men? Not sure.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Well, we all have our preferences and opinions. I try real hard to call 'em like I see 'em, irregardless of the sex of the person asking.

Given a situation where someone is posting on TAM, they are separated or divorced (because they can't get along with the ex), and they are having sex with some other person (whom they obviously get along well enough with to, uh, have sex), I'm going to recommend that they go with the new person.

And usually, the presence or absence of kids is not going to affect my advice.

The OP often has a laundry list of failings on the part of their spouse, or is sometimes clearly responsible for screwing the relationship up (Help Me! I cheated on Him with the Basketball Team!).

The recommendation is still going to be "move along."

Now, there are exceptions. Sometimes, a poster will ask for specific advice on, say, how to reconcile. If that's the case, and I can think of something that might be helpful, then I try to set my opinion aside and give them suggestions that they have asked for.

I didn't read your thread that you reference, but from the way you describe it here, it doesn't sound like you should have come away feeling judged (either from the comments you received or from how you interpreted them) (whatever they were).

If you want to try to work things out with your husband, then try to work things out. If you like the new guy and don't want to be alone, go have your fun. If you think some alone time would be beneficial to you, take some alone time.

Whichever way you go, when you are building (or rebuilding) a relationship, give respect, and require it in return.

In reading back over this, I think I'd say the same things if you were a man. Although I'd use smaller words and shorter sentences.

No double standard here!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

SARAHMCD said:


> I recently wrote about dealing with my feelings about a possible reconciliation with my H. I've been separated 3 months (I left him) and have been dating another man casually. Married 8 years, dated 2. No kids. The 3 responses I received all agreed with this comment "c'mon, you slept with another man on your anniversary night, if that isn't sign enough that your marriage is dead, I don't know what is. Cut your H loose and move on."
> 
> Then I read a quite similar story about a man who left his wife. He, however, has been seeing someone seriously for 6 months, starting right after his separation, but he's considering going back to his wife. He does have a teenage daughter so that's a difference. He received a lot of heartfelt comments about his predicament and a mix of advice - some saying move on, but many saying try MC and give reconciliation a shot.
> 
> ...


You seem to have referenced the reply that I appended to your other thread in your statement above. Let me assure that there was no absolutely no judgement intended in said reply. And besides, if you (a) still love your husband and (b) just didn't want to be alone on your anniversary, I'd have thought that you'd have chosen to spend the evening w/ your husband instead of another man. How is it at all judgemental -- or in any way indicative of a double standard -- to come to this conclusion?

Anyway, did the guy that you mentioned above open one thread or _multiple threads_ in which he seemed to waver between the notions of divorce and reconciliation...? I ask because you've now opened at least three of them.

Also, as you mentioned, the guy has a daughter (presumably w/ his wife), so that will obviously sway the advice that some folks would give. You and your husband have no children, correct?


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## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> You seem to have referenced the reply that I appended to your other thread in your statement above. Let me assure that there was no absolutely no judgement intended in said reply. And besides, if you (a) still love your husband and (b) just didn't want to be alone on your anniversary, I'd have thought that you'd have chosen to spend the evening w/ your husband instead of another man. How is it at all judgemental -- or in any way indicative of a double standard -- to come to this conclusion?
> 
> Anyway, did the guy that you mentioned above open one thread or _multiple threads_ in which he seemed to waver between the notions of divorce and reconciliation...? I ask because you've now opened at least three of them.
> 
> Also, as you mentioned, the guy has a daughter (presumably w/ his wife), so that will obviously sway the advice that some folks would give. You and your husband have no children, correct?


I am going through a confusing time - so yes, I've opened up multiple threads between divorce and reconciliation. I left my husband for a multitude of reasons. At first I was all about moving on - hence how I ended up with dating OM. THen I wavered and wondered if I should do more to make things work with my husband - after hearing his pleas and promises. However, I'm not at the point of believing his words without the actions. But I don't feel that I completely want to shut that door - if he can make his actions match his words. We are no where near that point just yet. So no, I had no desire to "celebrate" our anniversary together. That would be sad and it would give him the impression that things are all good between us (without him having to take any action) which is simply not true. 
Again, I was sad, lonely, vulnerable, and wanted to forget the night - so yes, I spent it with a friend who listened. And ok, more than that. Understand that I haven't been held in years! I accept that my behavior is perhaps considered weak. That I need to make up my mind. That's why I'm here.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Sarah,
You're separated. I assume you both had an understanding of what that meant. 

I agree that sleeping with someone else doesn't mean - lack of love for H. 





QUOTE=SARAHMCD;12463450]I recently wrote about dealing with my feelings about a possible reconciliation with my H. I've been separated 3 months (I left him) and have been dating another man casually. Married 8 years, dated 2. No kids. The 3 responses I received all agreed with this comment "c'mon, you slept with another man on your anniversary night, if that isn't sign enough that your marriage is dead, I don't know what is. Cut your H loose and move on."

Then I read a quite similar story about a man who left his wife. He, however, has been seeing someone seriously for 6 months, starting right after his separation, but he's considering going back to his wife. He does have a teenage daughter so that's a difference. He received a lot of heartfelt comments about his predicament and a mix of advice - some saying move on, but many saying try MC and give reconciliation a shot. 

Why the discrepancy? Just because I didn't want to be alone on what would have been our 8 year anniversary doesn't mean I don't still have feelings for my husband. It can just mean I'm lonely and vulnerable. And confused. Yet I felt very judged for my behavior here. 

Was it because I was mostly responded to by men? Not sure.[/QUOTE]


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

TAM doesn't speak as a collective group.

A lot of it depends on who actually responds to each of your threads, hence opinions and advice can vary tremendously. I don't think there is an overall double-standard here, although certain posters may have stronger opinions one way or the other. That's one of the disadvantages of starting multiple threads. When you stick to one thread, posters get a better overall picture of your circumstances.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I hope you can sort it out.

My advice? Take the advice here that seems helpful to you, and leave the rest.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Sarah, TAM is full of huge double standards. Especially when it comes to dealing with cheating husbands vs cheating wives, the cheating wives get torn up. The cheating husbands don't get it as much, especially if they weren't getting the sex they so richly deserve. 

It's not all guys though, many try to be even handed, and after talking with a few I'm not convinced many of them mean to have double standards. I think since so many posters are men they have a male perspective and as such relate to other men, thus they are triggered by stories of women doing things that hurt their husbands, even if said husband has no reason to be hurt. 

I think we should keep pointing out thsee double standards while keeping in mind that many men are good guys that won't realize they're doing it.

Some men here are just nasty though and it's not hard to see why they're having marital trouble.

Except Gus, he's ok 

And MEM too 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Except Gus, he's ok
> 
> And MEM too
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:smthumbup:


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I've only been here a short while, but I think the problem you are having is due to you confusing members with the forum. TAM itself does not have a double standard, but some of its members may. However, I hesitate to call what you have suffered a double standard.

From my experience some members can only see things from their perspective. Hence if a man was deserted by his wife, all ex-wives are quitters and vice versa for women deserted by their ex-husbands. The perspective the member sees is reflected in their posts. A deserted spouse who felt great loneliness in the aftermath and sought out the comfort of a member of the opposite sex, may be more forgiving of someone of the same sex doing the same thing. That same member may be totally opposed to some one of the opposite sex behaving similarly as that tends to irritate feelings of loneliness thinking that their ex may actually be engaged in the same process.

That is not to say anyone is right or wrong, it is just an observation of human nature.

Having said that, the situation you now find yourself in is going to elicit these types of responses which may come across as a double standard. These are not so much standards but reactions.

My advice is that you seek some level of stability in order to truly ascertain for yourself what you want. You are only weeks into separation, yet you have already made efforts to move on. Seeking the comfort of another is natural but not conducive to finding out what YOU want out of life. In fact IMO it is the number one mistake that most people make upon exiting a relationship.

The separation will generate all sorts of emotional turmoil. The involvement of another with whom you are having a physical (and on some level emotional) relationship with will only enhance the confusion. Seek closure on the first issue, find peace with yourself, and then move on. It is nearly impossible to do all three at once. This is the same advice I believe I gave to the other poster in one of his threads.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I didn't comment on your prior thread, but I will here.

IMHO, starting a new relationship with one person before you have ended it with another is always problematic. People get hurt. You, your H, the new BF. Maybe a more prudent course of action would be to figure out what you want.

And I'll add, as a BS, I am much more likely to side with another BS-male or female doesn't really matter. So TAM has all kinds of bias, because we are all kinds of people.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

My best advice is to work on you first. Your conflicted because different portions of your brain is wanting different things. Your attachment to your husband wants to be reinforced, and not to lose it. Attachments are like that, even people in neglected or abusive relationships have a hard time of letting go, even when the logical choice is obvious. Love springs hope, that is why people stay in bad marriages sometimes, they believe love will change an outcome.

Being with the other guy will only cause you more confusion. Here is your husband, someone who has a lot of personal issues, I am sure the romantic love is gone from that relationship. He has gone back on his words in a consistent pattern, and when your leaving he decides to try, or at least to say he is trying, only to have that expectation go away when things calm down since the crisis is over. He says all those things because it is an issue.

Now you have the other guy, who seems to listen to your words, there seems to be an understanding. It is pretty much the honeymoon phase at this point, it motivates each partner to make the other happy. So he meets your needs, and you meet his. He could be better than your husband or he could be worse in terms of compatibility, only time will tell, but as long as you're with him, it makes it harder to work on a marriage because your drive, or motivation is going to be stronger for one person or the other.

Hence, this time should be used to work on you, learn to be single for a while, because I think it is hard for you to operate as an individual. People grow used to not being alone. Learning to be yourself as you, will give you the opportunity to reevaluate,see what you want and need from a partner, and maybe your husband is capable of that or not, but jumping into another relationship without the time to see what has changed about you, what your own weaknesses are, is hard to do when your time and energy is expended elsewhere.

The person who you are when you first married is different from the person you are now. You now have experience when it comes to that type of committed relationship, so you can take time, figure out what type of marriage you want, fix any personal flaws that can sabotage a marriage, because being around dysfunctional people will affect us as well. You may have a whole new list of issues you are not aware of.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The suggestion I give to both men and women is not to immediately jump into another relationship. Time is needed to learn to be alone (and to reflect how to have a better relationship with someone going forward). When that isn't done then the necessary work needed tends to be overlooked. 

As to a double standard, that obviously exists in life in general and not just here. You usually get a wide range of viewpoints -- some helpful and some not. Take what you need from them and don't concern yourself with the rest.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Hence, this time should be used to work on you, learn to be single for a while, because I think it is hard for you to operate as an individual. People grow used to not being alone. Learning to be yourself as you, will give you the opportunity to reevaluate,see what you want and need from a partner, and maybe your husband is capable of that or not, but jumping into another relationship without the time to see what has changed about you, what your own weaknesses are, is hard to do when your time and energy is expended elsewhere.


:iagree:

As always, excellent advice Mr. F.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I agree that it's best not to jump into another relationship no matter your gender. It really irritates me when I see hurt men being told to go find someone younger and hotter then meanie ex to make himself feel better. Because a) like many have said, it's not a good idea to jump into something else and b) they're never told to consider the content of her character so they might have a better chance of having a faithful, devoted partner. Focusing on younger and hotter to stick it to your ex isn't going to get you that and betrayed women are pretty much never told to find a hotter, richer guy with a bigger penis to stick it to ex. That would be terrible advice.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> :iagree:
> 
> As always, excellent advice Mr. F.


Yes, I'm adding Mr. Fisty to my list of TAM guys that give great, even advice.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Does your husband know you've been dating and sleeping with another man during your separation? How did you meet this man? 

My ex husband and I reconciled after 4 years of divorce. That was a year ago. We are splitting again, this time for good. He has SO much resentment toward me for being with other men during the time we were apart, even though he did too (and even married). I did not know about this jealousy when we reconciled, but he wasn't able to keep it to himself for long and now he has nothing but contempt for me. 

I share this just as a warning....if you do reconcile with your H, it's highly likely your having sex with someone else is going to be very problematic.


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## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

Thank you to all for replying. You've given me a better read and better advice than my therapist has! And its free

I know I would give myself the same advice - drop the OM and be alone for awhile. I'm not someone who, in the past, has felt a need to fill a void so quickly (I've been divorced once before and also had a live-in boyfriend dump me rather suddenly) and both those times I enjoyed my alone time and felt no need and had no desire to rush into anything. So I'm not sure what it is about this time that's causing such a need in me. I think partly its because I feel like I've been broken up with my husband for over 3 years now - not 3 months. We lived as roommates. I should have left then. So another man coming into the picture....well, it was easy for me to get caught up. And maybe its the mid-life crisis thing. I've dropped 15 lbs, and he's 10 years younger than me. I wasn't feeling "sexual" at all for several years. To suddenly have that awakened, is quite overwhelming - and probably taking over all my common sense! 

Honestly I think I need to move on. Let my husband go. And let the chips fall where they may with the new guy. We're both wanting to take things very, very slow. I had thought I let my H go by leaving -that was not an easy decision whatsoever. But now hearing all these wonderful things he plans on improving/changing including simply listening to me going forward, it makes me want to see if that's possible. But again, a tiger doesn't change its stripes. Its unlikely much is going to change in terms of his actions. And I'm terrified of going back with hope and then having it fall right back into our old routines and we're going through separation/divorce AGAIN. I don't want to waste that much time still trying to fix something that just can't be fixed. 
And you're right about telling him about the OM - I think it would devastate my H(even though I believe he cheated on me at one point in our relationship - empty condom wrappers don't lie, considering we weren't using them at the time). 
He would be comparing himself. He did it in the beginning - (asking all kinds of questions about what my ex boyfriend had been like in bed, how did he measure up, etc. So of course, this would be 10 times worse.. So its either a secret I would have to keep or its something I would have to tell him and likely ruin any reconciliation anyways. 
Thanks for taking the time to share and offer advice! So much help just to vent sometimes.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

To address the OP. Everyone on TAM has standards. Some are double some aren't. 

I always advocate keeping your pants on if you hold out any hope to reconcile, regardless of gender.

You might want to reevaluate your own reasons for having sex with someone else because you simply felt lonely. I get it, but is it a good enough reason for your self image?

Make sure you are making healthy choices.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Sarah,

Was their a time period in which you were truly happy in the marriage? 

If so, why not let your H date you for 3 months? 

I DO however believe, prior to even considering that, you ought to start with an exercise. The exercise goes like this: 

I have thought about us 'dating' to see if we can be happy together. Don't think that's fair to you because I don't believe we are compatible. 

If he really is determined - he will ask what you mean. That's when you say: If you slept with someone during our separation I could live with that. But if I slept with someone during our separation, I don't believe you'd be able to let it go. 

And then you'll get a clear picture - right away - as to where his head is at. A guy with a strong ego says: we were separated, so whatever happened happened. If we start dating - it needs to be exclusive. 

And that's all he says. And he then asks - why else do you think we aren't compatible? An insecure guy goes into full throttle inquisition mode about your comment. EVEN if HE cheated during the marriage and/or slept with folks during the separation. 






SARAHMCD said:


> Thank you to all for replying. You've given me a better read and better advice than my therapist has! And its free
> 
> I know I would give myself the same advice - drop the OM and be alone for awhile. I'm not someone who, in the past, has felt a need to fill a void so quickly (I've been divorced once before and also had a live-in boyfriend dump me rather suddenly) and both those times I enjoyed my alone time and felt no need and had no desire to rush into anything. So I'm not sure what it is about this time that's causing such a need in me. I think partly its because I feel like I've been broken up with my husband for over 3 years now - not 3 months. We lived as roommates. I should have left then. So another man coming into the picture....well, it was easy for me to get caught up. And maybe its the mid-life crisis thing. I've dropped 15 lbs, and he's 10 years younger than me. I wasn't feeling "sexual" at all for several years. To suddenly have that awakened, is quite overwhelming - and probably taking over all my common sense!
> 
> ...


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## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

MEM11363 said:


> Sarah,
> 
> Was their a time period in which you were truly happy in the marriage?
> 
> ...


I LOVE this advice. Thanks so much. 
The problem is, we have remained in contact, going out once a week or biweekly for dinner or lunch. So are we dating now? Not really - its kind of like its always been...no romantic element to it, just friends. I have told him I am stepping back and no longer leading - one of our big problems. I used to do everything, to the point of making my own birthday dinner reservations. SO now he's asking me out - a HUGE change. He's asked me for lunch tomorrow and then dinner on my birthday next weekend. I'm uncomfortable going, knowing he may very well be seeing it as "dating" and I'm just not there yet. So personally I'd love to take a break just to understand my own feelings. And then perhaps take your advice in a few months if I still feel I want to give it another shot - and so does he. And be prepared for the fallout. If I decide not to pursue a reconciliation I don't think there's a need to tell him about the OM - it would just be rubbing salt in an open wound wouldn't it?

Do I even want to be with him? You asked about any good times in our marriage? There were warm, comforting times when I just liked BEING married. But I can't think of any really fun, happy times beyond the initial honeymoon period. No. It went downhill with his anxiety/depression problems and he completely withdrew emotionally. He never initiated any activities, trips, even dinners out. Only I did and then it mostly felt like I was dragging him there. Romance? Hasn't happened in years. I tried. When I spoke to him about it, it wasn't taken seriously. He thought I was upset due to a bad day a the office or hormones, not that it had to do with what I was actually telling him. Intimacy and sex? Nope. That was maybe 6-7 times a year (for the past 4 years or so). Do I want to go back to that? Absolutely not. 
Wow - now that I've said all this, why am I hanging on? Hmmmm...


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Honestly, if there is no spark, then it is better to divorce. That is if you choose to give dating him another shot, and the only reason why the honeymoon stage was good is because he was hormonally motivated to behave and act in different ways. When that wore off, he stopped being motivated and neglected the relationship.

If he did cheat, he did it for the excitement to get that rush, something to help him out of his funk, although, bad choice in that action.

Not to mention getting over past anger and resentment to see if it is possible. Those negative association that you have for him will be a barrier to see if you can give him another chance. Still, experience and memories also play a role in terms if we can get those romantic feelings back. In actuality, there is no new relationship, because the old will always color the new, but it is possible for each to change to have a chance in rebuilding that romantic love.

Here is the thing, to give your husband a chance, you will have to leave the OM, since odds are, you do not have years of negativity and lost attraction with the new man.

It is also a gamble that your husband will not make long term changes for a relationship to work. His changes may last only a few months before old behaviors and habits kick in again.

Either way, working on you is the best possible outcome. There is uncertainty with either choice. You could date your husband, and as soon as things settle down, his base personality will show. The OM could just be a rebound relationship and is an avoidance to loneliness, and the probability of it working out is slim. It is like starting from scratch, the chances that you end up with someone again in a long term relationship is slim. It took dating 5 different girls after my fiance to find another long term relationship. The more you date, the higher the probability you find a compatible enough partner.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

SARAHMCD said:


> I recently wrote about dealing with my feelings about a possible reconciliation with my H. I've been separated 3 months (I left him) and have been dating another man casually. Married 8 years, dated 2. No kids. The 3 responses I received all agreed with this comment "c'mon, you slept with another man on your anniversary night, if that isn't sign enough that your marriage is dead, I don't know what is. Cut your H loose and move on."
> 
> Then I read a quite similar story about a man who left his wife. He, however, has been seeing someone seriously for 6 months, starting right after his separation, but he's considering going back to his wife. He does have a teenage daughter so that's a difference. He received a lot of heartfelt comments about his predicament and a mix of advice - some saying move on, but many saying try MC and give reconciliation a shot.
> 
> ...


When you post on TAM you are basically signing up for psychoanalysis as well as advice. People will try to read into whats going and, in general, are going to be heavily influenced by their own experience. There is nothing wrong taking advice vicariously that was not meant for you if you feel the circumstances apply. 

I don't think anyone here can help you with your own feelings. Either you want it enough to fight for it or are done and fighting to get away from it. Trust me on this, anywhere in between is just a waste of time.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

SARAHMCD said:


> I LOVE this advice. Thanks so much.
> The problem is, we have remained in contact, going out once a week or biweekly for dinner or lunch. So are we dating now? Not really - its kind of like its always been...no romantic element to it, just friends. I have told him I am stepping back and no longer leading - one of our big problems. I used to do everything, to the point of making my own birthday dinner reservations. SO now he's asking me out - a HUGE change. He's asked me for lunch tomorrow and then dinner on my birthday next weekend. I'm uncomfortable going, knowing he may very well be seeing it as "dating" and I'm just not there yet. So personally I'd love to take a break just to understand my own feelings. And then perhaps take your advice in a few months if I still feel I want to give it another shot - and so does he. And be prepared for the fallout. *If I decide not to pursue a reconciliation I don't think there's a need to tell him about the OM - it would just be rubbing salt in an open wound wouldn't it?*
> 
> Do I even want to be with him? You asked about any good times in our marriage? There were warm, comforting times when I just liked BEING married. But I can't think of any really fun, happy times beyond the initial honeymoon period. No. It went downhill with his anxiety/depression problems and he completely withdrew emotionally. He never initiated any activities, trips, even dinners out. Only I did and then it mostly felt like I was dragging him there. Romance? Hasn't happened in years. I tried. When I spoke to him about it, it wasn't taken seriously. He thought I was upset due to a bad day a the office or hormones, not that it had to do with what I was actually telling him. Intimacy and sex? Nope. That was maybe 6-7 times a year (for the past 4 years or so). Do I want to go back to that? Absolutely not.
> Wow - now that I've said all this, why am I hanging on? Hmmmm...


You'd have to tell him. If you don't, you'll constantly live in fear of either running into the OM while with your H, or someone else telling him, etc. And if he finds out about it without you telling him, or outright lying to him, that will not be good either.

Did OM have anything to do with why you left? Was he in the picture before you walked out the door?


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## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

This advice applies equally to both men and women;

You need to CLEARLY break off any prior relationship before starting a new one. Clearly means clear to you AND your prior partner. 

By not doing this you aren't being fair to your prior partner, any new partner, or yourself. Partners who string others along come off at best looking confused.....usually they look like cheaters and cake eaters.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Sarah,

You seem remarkably normal - in terms of what you want. 

Maybe you love each other, maybe not. But for sure you lack core compatibility. He truly doesn't understand or seek emotional intimacy. He doesn't see sex as a way to bond with a partner. 

His aversion to being alone is entirely different than a true desire to be fully share himself with you.

So - very simple question. Why don't you believe that YOU can have that with someone else? 

He's the safe option - but he's a bad option. Like putting ALL your money in a savings account and leaving it there at a 1% interest rate. You won't have volatility, but your long term results w
Are certain to be terrible....




SARAHMCD said:


> I LOVE this advice. Thanks so much.
> The problem is, we have remained in contact, going out once a week or biweekly for dinner or lunch. So are we dating now? Not really - its kind of like its always been...no romantic element to it, just friends. I have told him I am stepping back and no longer leading - one of our big problems. I used to do everything, to the point of making my own birthday dinner reservations. SO now he's asking me out - a HUGE change. He's asked me for lunch tomorrow and then dinner on my birthday next weekend. I'm uncomfortable going, knowing he may very well be seeing it as "dating" and I'm just not there yet. So personally I'd love to take a break just to understand my own feelings. And then perhaps take your advice in a few months if I still feel I want to give it another shot - and so does he. And be prepared for the fallout. If I decide not to pursue a reconciliation I don't think there's a need to tell him about the OM - it would just be rubbing salt in an open wound wouldn't it?
> 
> Do I even want to be with him? You asked about any good times in our marriage? There were warm, comforting times when I just liked BEING married. But I can't think of any really fun, happy times beyond the initial honeymoon period. No. It went downhill with his anxiety/depression problems and he completely withdrew emotionally. He never initiated any activities, trips, even dinners out. Only I did and then it mostly felt like I was dragging him there. Romance? Hasn't happened in years. I tried. When I spoke to him about it, it wasn't taken seriously. He thought I was upset due to a bad day a the office or hormones, not that it had to do with what I was actually telling him. Intimacy and sex? Nope. That was maybe 6-7 times a year (for the past 4 years or so). Do I want to go back to that? Absolutely not.
> Wow - now that I've said all this, why am I hanging on? Hmmmm...


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> Sarah, TAM is full of huge double standards. Especially when it comes to dealing with cheating husbands vs cheating wives, the cheating wives get torn up. The cheating husbands don't get it as much, especially if they weren't getting the sex they so richly deserve.
> 
> It's not all guys though, many try to be even handed, and after talking with a few I'm not convinced many of them mean to have double standards. I think since so many posters are men they have a male perspective and as such relate to other men, thus they are triggered by stories of women doing things that hurt their husbands, even if said husband has no reason to be hurt.
> 
> ...


Point me to one sch thread please...


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

SARAHMCD said:


> I recently wrote about dealing with my feelings about a possible reconciliation with my H. I've been separated 3 months (I left him) and have been dating another man casually. Married 8 years, dated 2. No kids. The 3 responses I received all agreed with this comment "c'mon, you slept with another man on your anniversary night, if that isn't sign enough that your marriage is dead, I don't know what is. Cut your H loose and move on."
> 
> Then I read a quite similar story about a man who left his wife. He, however, has been seeing someone seriously for 6 months, starting right after his separation, but he's considering going back to his wife. He does have a teenage daughter so that's a difference. He received a lot of heartfelt comments about his predicament and a mix of advice - some saying move on, but many saying try MC and give reconciliation a shot.
> 
> ...




I think you should make the situation more clear to everyone. 

According to you, you had a bad marriage and the end of it, you started an affair with someone which finally gave you the courage to separate. Now you are stringing your husband along for a second chance without actually telling him that you are seeing someone or that you had an affair ? If that is the case, I do agree that you should leave him and there is no double standard. No point in you having sex with other guys while leading him on thinking he has a chance.




> If I decide not to pursue a reconciliation I don't think there's a need to tell him about the OM - it would just be rubbing salt in an open wound wouldn't it?


How conveniently noble...How nice to not hurt his feelings.


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## another shot (Apr 14, 2015)

If my wife separated from me and had sex with another man, it would be over. She feels the same the other way. I actually pretty sure that is the majority position across the board here and everywhere else. 

With all due respect, it seems you don't like that because it does not excuse your situation handily, so you are attempting to twist it into something unsavory, which I believe most agree it is not.

IOW you can't likely reconcile if you have moved on to another. I would not find my wife's excuse of not wanting to be alone on our honeymoon an acceptable excuse. 

Quite the contrary, on your most special day you were intimate with another man. 

I, for one, couldn't get past that under any circumstances. Any attempt at reconciling would have an annual reminder that our anniversary was one of the days you strayed to the bed of another man. 

However, I would leave it up to your husband to decide. I don't want him losing his wife it he wants her back under those circumstances. I also don't want to talk to you out of being brave and telling him about it if you decide to reconcile. 

It makes me sad you are considering trying to work things out with your H even if he helped mess things up because you have now likely doomed any chance of being honest about your intimacy with another man while being emotionally handicapped to deal with what was prior at least slightly simpler issues without the separated infidelity. 

Don't beat yourself up too much because you two together messed things up, but please be honest with him about it so he can decide knowing the full truth

All the best to you and he


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## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

warlock07 said:


> I think you should make the situation more clear to everyone.
> 
> According to you, you had a bad marriage and the end of it, you started an affair with someone which finally gave you the courage to separate. Now you are stringing your husband along for a second chance without actually telling him that you are seeing someone or that you had an affair ? If that is the case, I do agree that you should leave him and there is no double standard. No point in you having sex with other guys while leading him on thinking he has a chance.
> 
> ...



I considered our marriage long over (at least 3 years) so I moved on during the last year and yes, met someone in the last 3 weeks we lived together. I guess I should never have considered reconciliation even though H insisted (I weakened and listened - its what I've been wanting to hear from him for years). And I suppose at that point, I should have told him about the OM - which likely would have stopped- or made him strongly reconsider any possible reconciliation. Agreed. There's where the bad or dishonest behavior was on my part - and continues to be. 

In terms of "being noble", all I am saying is that I should let him down gently. Say no, we are not reconciling under any circumstances and move on. Why would I tell him about the OM? What would be the point other than to hurt him more? I'm not trying to save face, I'm putting myself on the other side of things (where I've been before!) and I wouldn't want to know. If its over, its over. If I think it will help him to fully understand that things are over, than yes, I will tell him. If I decide to reconcile, than yes, I will tell him and leave it up to him to decide. 

I'd also like to add one thing. My H and I, years ago, had a conversation about affairs. He didn't feel they were necessarily such a bad thing and that sometimes they could even save a marriage (don't ask me where he came up with that idea!). It disturbed me greatly at the time he said it. He also said that the person having the affair should never tell the other person because all that did was relieve the offending party of their guilt and put all the pain and suffering on the spouse that was cheated on. So he told me "if you need to cheat, do it, but don't ever tell me about it". Yes, we actually had that conversation. 

Also, if things were to continue with the OM to where he became a BF, than yes, I would likely feel the need to tell him about some overlap. I wouldn't want him finding out elsewhere. But I doubt this OM will last very long to be quite honest. Its a bit of dysfunctional relationship in that it started at the end of my marriage and he himself is separated almost a year and not over his wife. Not a healthy place to start something new.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

I have a good friend whose ex told him that if he cheated not to tell her. When she found out about OW, she couldn't accept it and they divorced. Their two sons were in their late teens. I liked my friend's wife and I think he is a good person. He says he is happy with OW now.

I don't ask him how he and his family have healed. His wife set up a huge 50th birthday for him. How can you erase the memories? Life is painful.

Re: double standards
HappyMan also treats women with equal respect. But generally TAM is tougher on women cheaters than men because men don't have the same social network to support them when their marriages fail, so TAM has gather more men who are traumatized.

Is it cheating to sleep with someone else during separation? Usually separation is a way to either empower the partner who is leaving to become sexually active with others or help the partner who is leaving to "lessen" the blow to the left behind spouse.

You should tell your husband that you want a divorce. Alternatively, you should tell him you will date him and others.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> I have a good friend whose ex told him that if he cheated not to tell her. When she found out about OW, she couldn't accept it and they divorced. Their two sons were in their late teens. I liked my friend's wife and I think he is a good person. He says he is happy with OW now.
> 
> I don't ask him how he and his family have healed. His wife set up a huge 50th birthday for him. How can you erase the memories? Life is painful.
> 
> ...


Agreed. I've also noted this in the past.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Well Sarah,
I can tell you that I was in a similar position and chose female company. I cant and wont judge because my primary love langauge is physical touch...and I NEEDED some touching.

IF there is no spark, then I believe you should move on.
Spark is special and it needs to be there.

This is the modern age and women and men should be able to do as they see fit.
Every person's path is different and it is up to them to find it.
Not everyone will judge your because you have a few scratches from being off the path.


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