# Should I stay or should I go.....



## oops215 (Jul 2, 2012)

When I met my husband he had just broken off an engagement. (Like literally the day before we started dating) We were working internationally. Basically all we did was party all the time and had a lot of fun. All the while I knew he was still sometimes talking to his ex (guys are the worst at hiding this type of stuff) But, we weren't super serious- so I just had a 'Whatever' attitude about it.... even though I was probably falling for him that whole time. 

So- he went home for a few weeks and ended it for good with this girl and came back to me. A few weeks after he was back, he broke up with me.... or he tried to- but nothing changed in our relationship. So, a few weeks later he did it again. I was devastated and I knew it was because he wanted to start talking to his ex again. He claims that's not true.... but it was obvious. 

Here is the bombshell. Two weeks later I found out I was pregnant. When I told him he immediately changed his mind and wanted to be with me. He has a child with his high school girlfriend and also one with his ex wife. So this left me feeling like he just didn't want to have another kid with another woman he wasn't with. So anyways. We stayed together and things got better kind of. We got married when I was 5 months pregnant and everything seemed to be going well.

He went back to work in another country right after we got married. He came back for a visit in November after the baby was born. And I stumbled across an e-mail he had written to his ex when I was 9 months pregnant (I really did accidentally see it) Basically it said he loved her etc. Well- I didn't say anything to him after I read it- here I was with a newborn, I didn't know what to do. So, I kept quiet and bitter about it for another 8 months. 

He was back for another vacation 8 months later and I saw ANOTHER E-mail (this time I was snooping because of the last one) Same gist as the last E-mail. He loves her and he regrets leaving her and he just fakes his happiness and he's away from the woman he loves.... YEAHHHH. So this time I freaked out.... he apologized and said he was just hurting when he sent the emails because he was alone overseas and he didn't really feel that way.... But heres the kicker, he said he wanted me to stay with him... but if I was to leave him he would still help me financially and pay for my school, etc. It was like he was giving me incentive to leave....

We did some counseling but, he wasn't really receptive. And I am just at the point now that I don't care. I am 100% still with him because of our child, who is almost 2 now. I learned a lot more about him once we were married that I didn't know before. About his past and things he would say and do. I fell in love with him when I was a young, single, carefree party girl. And now I am a little bit older, definitely more mature and responsible, not into partying and my world revolves around our child. 

He had a rough upbringing.... and I had a great one. I honestly don't think he was ever taught important life skills that parents usually teach their kids- because his parents were not around for him really. This sounds horrible... but I just feel like in that aspect, I am out of his league. Not to mention he is divorced with two kids from other women. He is 9 years older than me. And his family are not around. I am young, had no kids single, I have a great family.... it's just so opposite. (Also, I might add that he pays child support- but the way he handles his relationships with his other kids is a total turn off. He is basically not in their lives anymore at all aside from visiting maybe once a year- twice max. I tried to help him and encourage him to call more and be in their lives more as much as he can with him working far away, but I quit trying. His effort was pathetic. He is good with our daughter, though)

He gets very attached and very emotional and I am NOT like that at all. It's like he is the female in the relationship. It seems like he's always mad at me about something.... when I really don't do anything that he should be mad about. I'm contantly worried that he's mad at me for something... and often when he is I have to make him tell me why he's mad (Really? If it's something worth being mad about I shouldn't have to be told why he's pissed) We have nothing in common, like at all. He embarrasses me by the things he says and does (on Facebook and in real life) 

I'm really just not attracted to him in anyway. We are totally off in our sexual relationship... it's just awkward at this point. We are trying to work on things, but I don't know. Today he asked me what I loved about him.... and I really couldn't answer. I love him as a person. But, I just don't know... When I visited my counselor alone he agreed with me about him probably lacking certain important life skills and he said it seems like he wants me to take care of him in a motherly way. That could work for some I'm sure.... but that's not what I want. 

It's easy to leave things how they are now. He is gone 9 out of 12 months out of the year.... but at the same time... I want to move on if that's what is going to happen anyways. It kills me because I don't want that for my daughter and I don't want to have to share time with her. He makes good money now so I am able to stay at home with my daughter and attend school on-line... so it's convenient for right now. I just feel like the relationship is beyond repair.

Well, if anyone is still reading this (it's a long story).... any advice?


----------



## RandomGuy155 (Jan 30, 2012)

I don't have much advice, but I wanted to let you know that it was read (and your summary was quite readable, so well done. My story is a lot like yours...my wife has a lot of issues from childhood while mine was great, and all the same dynamics of your relationship are present in ours. Ordinarily my default advice is to look to see what's wrong with yourself instead of listing all the things wrong with your spouse, but those emails your husband sent to his ex is making me hesitant to blame you. You two have been on a shaky foundation from the start. 

Well, there are other wiser people on the board who I'm sure have good advice. Take care.


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, combining this with your other post, in which you tell how you cannot stand the way he kisses, I just don't see any hope for this relationship. I'm sorry if that sounds blunt, but you already know, don't you?

I guess the question is how to work things out with him regarding your child -- if he's out of the country 9 months out of 12 anyway, it's not as if you are depriving her of a daily father figure.

I don't know -- lots of hard decisions and ugly discussions in your future. Keep posting, and I wish you well.


----------

