# Ladies, have you ever had ZERO sex drive?



## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

Ladies,

I am going to leave my story out of it because it is old news having been fleshed in many other threads. I would like to know if there has been a time in your life when you had absolutely no sex drive. A time when nothing that your husband or anybody else could have done to spark interest in you. Has there been a time when you could go for many months and/or years without sex and be unaffected. If you have had one of these times and have since experienced an increase in interest, what changed it?

Men, feel free to reply if you have had wives that have had situations like this and what you/anybody did to remedy this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Nope, never had no sex drive.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I have known many women who have had a time in their lives (or more than one time) with little or zero drive.

The ones who are truly LD will go back to LD after short peaks in desire (a few years maybe).

The ones who are truly HD will only have short times in their lives with little to no drive and it won't be "the norm" for them. A truly HD person (man or woman) will have a drive plugging along somewhere inside of them all the time, even in times without sex. They are aware of it and know it is there even when there is no sexual outlet.

I know a woman who is way HD, who is married to a sexless man. They haven't had sex in over a year and she is figuring out how to work out a sep/divorce, because she has tried everything and it is clear now that he is a sexless person and this isn't going to change. Meanwhile, she is a very HD woman...yet this forced sexlessness is something she has to deal with. So she has shut herself down, but not really. She has just disconnected herself from the pain of rejection and fears of having to D. (Having finally decided that D is inevitable has given her some relief recently).

So she isn't getting any sex at all, is still HD, but since her only option for sex currently is a sexless man...she has shut it off. She no longer has any desire for him. She is still quite horny but the possibility of sex is zero so....it is what it is until she can make a change. She doesn't feel the horniness in the same way she would if she actually had the opportunity for sex. She is long past that. She just feels that inner HD chugging along like I said above. She is aware she is not being fulfilled in that area of her life and just faces it.

I'm just giving you an example of what a sexless period in the life of an HD woman can look like.

For LD women it looks different.

I do know some women who flipped from one to the other completely, usually due to a big hormonal or life change.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

I spent some time in my 20s with zero sex drive. I was with a perfectly fine, smart, sexy boyfriend, but in the 3rd and final year, I was just not interested at all. I took him for granted and just wasn't feeling it with him anymore (this changed totally when we broke up though. Oh, self-inflicted drama!)

Overall, though, in my 30s and early 40s, I am pretty HD. I am more HD than my husband, and was more HD than my ex before him (covers late 20s-present).


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Yes, there was a time when my son was around 1-2 years old. If my Ex hadn't initiated sex during that period of time, I truly wouldn't have missed it. I could get into it when he initiated it, but I had no drive of my own. It took a long time to figure out everything that was going on, but probably the biggest things were an undiagnosed sleep disorder and low thyroid. They both led to me being exhausted all the time. The lack of sleep exacerbated depression, and I had a horrible time losing my pregnancy weight. Also a lot of stress as we bought our first home and moved during that time. 

It took quite a while to get the physical things under control. It was a very dark time for me. There were also relationship issues with my Ex during this time. He was not terribly understanding, and that didn't help.

During our engagement and up to the birth of our son, we had a very active sex life. It did come back physically, eventually. Problems after that were due more to relationship issues (his EAs, for example). 

There have certainly been times since my marriage broke up when I have had absolutely zero drive. I didn't feel bad about it because there wasn't really anything to do about it anyway, so I was actually kind of grateful, lol.

Incidentally, I was not sexually active until my early 30's, due to a life of basically working and caring for my ill mother, with whom I lived. Again, not much drive, and thankful for it, lol. Maybe being a late bloomer affected my drive, allowing me to go without when I have to, I don't know.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

I've pretty much always been zero drive. I have very good responsive drive, but nothing that just springs up in myself that makes me want to have sex. I'm pretty sure I would have made a great nun if I were religious. Sorry, but I have never found anything that has made any lasting change. This doesn't mean we can't have frequent fulfilling sex,it just takes us a while to get my body going.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

After I gave birth to triplets. Don't remember how long it lasted. I don't really remember anything before they turned 2.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

I've had periods of time where I'd rather not have sex with my H and just dealt with my drive on my own. But to say that my drive was lower at that time would be inaccurate.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

tracyishere said:


> I've had periods of time where I'd rather not have sex with my H and just dealt with my drive on my own. But to say that my drive was lower at that time would be inaccurate.


Same here. I have had periods of zero desire for my husband after he said some incredibly hurtful things. That lasted for a long time. I did not however lose my drive for other men.....I just never acted on it.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

tyler1978 said:


> Ladies,
> 
> I would like to know if there has been a time in your life when you had absolutely no sex drive. A time when nothing that your husband or anybody else could have done to spark interest in you. Has there been a time when you could go for many months and/or years without sex and be unaffected.


NEVER...since the time I was about 11 yrs old and discovered masturbation, I have NEEDED a release just like man - just not as often, if something brushed up against me, and I started feeling horny, it was ON...(always felt "Dirty" about this as a young girl , but couldn't help myself)...

And all through each pregnancy - I needed sex MORE ... and after each birth.... it was always a struggle for me waiting to "get it on"...I would complain I was dying & couldn't wait...we always broke down doing it weeks before I was "allowed" by the Doctor... 

I NEEDED it at least once a week (it was like the LUST would build in me)...He always knew if he didn't initiate, I would be after him in so many days... This has never fluctuated for me...


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## MicroStorm (Aug 10, 2012)

Tyler, I've read many of your posts and they are pretty much my story. My wife pretty much has no sex drive, and it's been like this since 2-3 months after I met her. I've never really understood it, but at the age of 35, I've come to accept it as it is and don't even fight it anymore. I always figured I would leave at some point, but things never panned out and there was always a safety-net at home, and I couldn't find greener grass, so to speak.

She's had brief bouts of higher drive (albeit, very brief), but by-and-large our entire relationship has been sexually dysfunctional, entirely her fault. She's pregnant now (yea, I know what everyone is going to say... shut it), and while trying to get pregnant she was the most sexual she's ever been. That lasted a mere 6 weeks until the pregnancy test turned positive, and since then she's pretty much been the most sexually reclusive that she's ever been. I try not to let it get to me, and I focus on the few joys I have in life, but it does still bother me and it is a pain and rejection few people can understand unless they go through this.

For years I've wondered why she is this way, but never got an answer. I know before she met me, she f'd everything that moved (though, she doesn't know I know this) and had a history of bad relationships. I suppose I don't fulfill her sexual needs, but I really do try. There isn't anything I wouldn't do or try to do to please her, and the few lovers I had before her were always pleased.

My wife is very narcissistic, but even that doesn't explain the sexless behavior, since many narcissists are often quite sexual, using sex to fulfill their narcissistic needs. I'd try to initiate and get rejected, or get the obligatory "hurry up and get it done", which was far worse than the rejection itself. I've learned not to try and not to care. Getting older has helped, since my drive isn't quite what it once was. The results are about the same, but I no longer have to deal with the rejection. I wish I had a better answer for you.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

With medication changes. There's absolutely nothing I can do to change the medicine either. I was such high drive until this last medicine change. I'll have to find a way to overcome it mentally. Right now I have a stomach ulcer forming from my previous medicine and I'm allergic to many others. I've found one that doesn't pass through the stomach, but it killed my drive. Go figure. I'm sure I'll get my drive back, it just takes practice.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Yes,I've had zero drive at various times in my life.I still had sex though bc that's what I used to think made someone love me.

Once I learned a healthier attitude about sex,my drive shot through the roof and runs high consistently. It was about learning I could be loved without having sex and having sex didn't mean I was giving something up.It didn't mean the man was taking anything from me.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I know this isn't the same (or hope it isn't in OPs instance) but I had zero sex drive when married to my ex because he was abusive. Toward the end I didn't even want to kiss him. I gave in to avoid a fight and faked Os or took care of it myself to get it over with. After the first year or so I could have not had sex with him for the next 10 years. He did nothing to make me feel secure, loved, cherished or sexy. It was all about filling his NPD needs for sex and admiration - even my Os were about HIS success (even when they weren't real haha).


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

I went through a period like that after my youngest son was born. I guess I was so focused on being a mom that sex was the last thing on my mind. Just as he got a little older and my drive was returning, a few other incidents happened with my H that killed it again for a couple years. I have finally learned in the last few years to separate my resentments about H from my sex drive and its gotten much better. I don't always have to be happy with him, and if I want sex I will put my feelings aside and help myself.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Never 0. Closest was 2nd and 3rd year on the pill. Even then once we were in the act I still liked it even though it started with me not really wanting it. 

After having my baby I thought my drive would decrease since it was extreme HD during pregnancy. But I already don't see how I will make it to 6 weeks!


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I have only had that happen in one relationship I was in where my sex drive started to diminish down to zero, and that was when I was dating someone who was emotionally/mentally abusive. After awhile, you are no longer physically or emotionally attracted to that person because of their behavior. I like it when I see or hear people talk about with holding, I don't think most people just up and decide to with hold because they are being cruel, I think there's usually a deeper issue going on. Its usually a protection/survival mechanism from emotional pain and resentment. Luckily I was able to end it, and my sex drive returned.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

In my case, I do not think that she is withholding and being manipulative. If she was being that way, I would expect the topic to come up occasionally. It never does.

Outside of the bedroom, we appear to be the ideal couple. 

I have some entertained some theories to explain her lack of a sex drive but each is too flawed.

1. Hormones-She never wants sex and never seems to have a lot of energy/passion for anything.
2. Codependency- Her family has a history of co-dependent women. I wonder sometimes if I am too independent for her. It gets me thinking that I do not enable this and therefore she has shut down.
3. Non-sexual parents- She grew up with parents that always got along but were not affectionate and come to find out, nonsexual. Her parents were roommates as well.


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## easy_e (Sep 11, 2013)

Tyler,
I had this thought recently.....my conclusion is this. 

Is she willing to do something about this or have concerns for herself of her own sex drive?

Does she view this as a problem for your relationship together?

How the questions are answered will determine your options and where to put your efforts.


It sounds like we may be in similar situations here. 

The stuff in MMSL is great info for yourself, unfortunately it will do nothing for a spouse that views a sexless marriage as ok. I believe it says that in the book as well. The good part of the book is your "sex rank" will go up....which is great if you become single again.

There comes a point when you realize the problem isn't what you are or aren't doing......it's the person you chose. The unfortunate part again about this realization is that you took a vow to be faithful to your wife, so if she says no sex.....that means no sex for you. You don't have an option to get sex elsewhere and gain back control of your sex-life, without divorce. So you sacrifice a sex-life to be with the woman you love.....now here's the kicker....why are you sacrificing, but she is not?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

tyler...I don't see "truly LD" on your list of possibilities. Do you not really understand a person who is truly LD yet? Even after all the stories around here? It does just happen sometimes, to both men and women.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

easy_e said:


> Tyler,
> I had this thought recently.....my conclusion is this.
> 
> Is she willing to do something about this or have concerns for herself of her own sex drive?
> ...


A year and a half ago, we had the "talk". One of my questions was why she was never in the mood. Her reply was, "I do not know. I just never feel the urge". I asked her if this bothered her and she said, "No". I said that it bothered me. Her reply was, "I will help you get off if you want?". That is like saying, "Let's not go the game but we can go get a gas station hot dog instead, if you want? I expressed that it is not the same and her response was that she was sorry but that she would work on it. 

Intermittently in the time after that, I would bring it up and her response would generally be that she is not in the mood, she does not know why, and that everything seems to be fine. I get stonewalled after that. 

She has done nothing since our sex life started drying up in 2010. It seems as if she is comfortable and sees no reason to change. I am not trying to be passive aggressive but I can't fathom how someone can not sense that I am not happy. Prior to pretty much giving up in January, I brought this up about once every month or two and was brushed off most of the time.

One of the more perplexing parts is that she does not masturbate or ever really need a release. It is like a phase in life that she moved past.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> tyler...I don't see "truly LD" on your list of possibilities. Do you not really understand a person who is truly LD yet? Even after all the stories around here? It does just happen sometimes, to both men and women.


I understand. I guess that I want a more convenient reason. To come to the conclusion that she simply could not care less about sex would be awfully hard to swallow. To be with someone who could not care less about something as fundamental to a marriage as this would be hard to move past. 

She was not always this way. We met in 2006 and started having sex in Jan. 2008. Between that time and early 2010, it was fine. Twice a week or so. Each time, it was not the get it over with variety either. 2010 came and it went down to once or twice a month and 99% of the time, it lasted less than five minutes from start to finish. Now it is virtually never and it still only lasts less than five minutes.

I go back and read my posts about her and it sounds eerily similar to what a lot of the women write about their husbands.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

tyler1978 said:


> I would like to know if there has been a time in your life when you had absolutely no sex drive. A time when nothing that your husband or anybody else could have done to spark interest in you.



Yes. That time was when a relative committed suicide. I was seriously affected by that and I just wanted to be alone in my sorrow. My exH wanted to bang and I was not feeling it at all. It made me sick that he wanted to do it while I was still processing what happened (like the night of/next day). No sex drive whatsoever.



tyler1978 said:


> Has there been a time when you could go for many months and/or years without sex and be unaffected. If you have had one of these times and have since experienced an increase in interest, what changed it?


Have I gone months or years w/o sex? Yes, but not while I was ever married. (Those were "single" times). Anyone can live w/o sex and be "unaffected" i guess You won't die if you don't have sex. But in a marriage, no, I never had a sexless marriage so I cannot relate to that.

IMO, only asexual people have no sex drives. if you wife isn't sleeping with you, aside from being asexual, it is probably because she doesn't want to and/or is not sexually attracted to you. Loss of emotional attraction plays a big part in t hat.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

tyler...She just sounds truly LD to me.

I have read so many stories and also talked to people, that I understand now, a large portion of the population has little to no sex drive. Some of those can still have and enjoy sex...but it will not be on their minds and it will not be a "goal" they have.

I would hope that maybe you can find a bit of relief in that news?

Because being truly LD means...

*she isn't withholding to be cruel

*it doesn't mean you suck in bed

*it doesn't mean she doesn't love you

*it doesn't mean she is getting it elsewhere

*she isn't trying to control or manipulate you

*she truly doesn't know how important sex is to you (or anyone with a sex drive) because those same feelings and urges do not exist in her body...therefore she isn't "ignoring" you when you try to discuss it, she just doesn't understand what you are saying at all


Believe it or not, there are men who are exactly the same way. For some people, sex simply will not ever be on their minds or be anything they feel they need or want to do....EVEN THOUGH when they do do it, they enjoy it.

I know this sucks, but it is better than if she is horny, just not for you. Isn't it? Maybe not...

Sorry, it sucks either way.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

If she was not in such a rush to get it over with, I would not be as bothered. She seems to enjoy it but even that I question. Not to give TMI but we always have the assistance of her vibrator and she is the one that wants to end it within a few minutes. No foreplay, no kissing. It is dispassionate and unsatisfying to me.

It is pretty condemning to think that someone lost their desire for sex while with you. I was either such a bad lover or a drag on her that she gave up. I do not feel that now but that is what my mind turns to on occasion.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

But haven't you read all the research about women's sex drive waning after 3 - 4 years with a partner? If she is truly LD, it wasn't "you"....it was just the way she is wired which matches a lot of research.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> But haven't you read all the research about women's sex drive waning after 3 - 4 years with a partner? If she is truly LD, it wasn't "you"....it was just the way she is wired which matches a lot of research.


I read about that but still thought that there was something left. That there was a seed still left. I just had to find a way to nurture it. The reality is that she is probably asexual and could not care less.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Yes, I agree that is probably the case, from everything you've written.

Which means...it really isn't you.

It is her.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Yes, I agree that is probably the case, from everything you've written.
> 
> Which means...it really isn't you.
> 
> It is her.


It is my nature to always look within for answers. I always think that things do not work out because I made poor decisions and simply need to work at it harder. I take responsibility even when that may be misguided. Maybe this is one of those life lessons that I need to learn.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I don't see how any of us can/could take responsibility for anyone else's natural sex drive level.


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## MicroStorm (Aug 10, 2012)

tyler1978 said:


> If she was not in such a rush to get it over with, I would not be as bothered. She seems to enjoy it but even that I question. Not to give TMI but we always have the assistance of her vibrator and she is the one that wants to end it within a few minutes. No foreplay, no kissing. It is dispassionate and unsatisfying to me.
> 
> It is pretty condemning to think that someone lost their desire for sex while with you. I was either such a bad lover or a drag on her that she gave up. I do not feel that now but that is what my mind turns to on occasion.


Your story is so eerily similar to mine, it's not even funny. I think you even mentioned in another thread that your wife is pregnant. On the outside it looks like we have this perfect life. She can be very loving and affectionate towards me, but the sex has always been unfulfilling. Other than a few times when I've been heavily intoxicated, I've never really felt sexually comfortable with her. It's always been awkward. Yea, I know... reap what you sow, and an outsider could argue that I should have never been involved in this situation, should have left, or knew for years what I was getting myself into, and that I should just accept it (and I have!). Life is never that simple on the inside.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

MicroStorm said:


> Your story is so eerily similar to mine, it's not even funny. I think you even mentioned in another thread that your wife is pregnant. On the outside it looks like we have this perfect life. She can be very loving and affectionate towards me, but the sex has always been unfulfilling. Other than a few times when I've been heavily intoxicated, I've never really felt sexually comfortable with her. It's always been awkward. Yea, I know... reap what you sow, and an outsider could argue that I should have never been involved in this situation, should have left, or knew for years what I was getting myself into, and that I should just accept it (and I have!). Life is never that simple on the inside.


to borrow a line from CuddleBug, human cloning seems to not only be possible but to have occurred. 

Yes, she is pregnant. I have always wanted children and thought that if I was a good husband (faithful, helpful, supportive, loving, etc) that sex would come with it. Maybe not every day but sufficient. Well that myth has been busted.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

MicroStorm said:


> She can be very loving and affectionate towards me, but t*he sex has always been unfulfilling. * Other than a few times when I've been heavily intoxicated, *I've never really felt sexually comfortable with her. It's always been awkward.*


Even in the beginning? You never had good, fulfilling sex with your wife?


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## MicroStorm (Aug 10, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Even in the beginning? You never had good, fulfilling sex with your wife?


Not really. I've mentioned this before, but I was at a low point in my life when I met her, and I didn't leave when maybe I should have or would have had the circumstances been different. Besides, there were (and still are to this day) a lot of great things about her, and we get along very well. An outsider looking in would say we have this perfect life, but the sexual problems have lingered since the beginning.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

That is sad 

Sorry


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## testr72 (Jan 15, 2013)

If your wife doesnt give you intimacy and you've tried it all to resolve this issue, then you have two options, leave her or live the life of a priest.

I know, its depressing, this is not what you've envisioned when you got married but what other choices are there?


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

There are a few women here who are LD with a HD partner. It took time and communication for them to understand men need sex to feel connected with their wives. Those LD women now initiate or enjoy sex when the HD partner initiates because they understand the men need physical intimacy to achieve emotional intimacy. 

I think if you keep making this point, maybe with the help of a MC you might get your sex life back.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

I am going to give this until one year after the child is born. If MC is part of that, fine. If one year after the child is born, things do not change it is time to move on. Change does not mean that we have sex a prescribed number of times. I want to feel like I have a wife and not just some random woman that happens to live in the same house as I do. If we are not going to have sex that is meaningful ,passionate, and desired by both then why bother with being husband and wife?


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

My wife was LD for years after our second child was born. I know that she had some medical issues and had trouble losing the baby weight, but it was very difficult for me and my HD. So, sure, it became an issue in our marriage. 

But we were able to weather the storm, if you will, and things are really good now. 

But the one thing that still persists is that my wife will as it that she doesn't think about sex at all and even though she is much better drive-wise, she never initiates and only gets into it after some back scratching, massaging, etc, 

I don't mind doing that little stuff to her but she never seems to be horny enough to jump right into things, saying that the back rub and all gets her closer to being in the mood. 

I can get a hard-on at the drop of a hat and even though things are much improved, they're still not at the level where she will take the first step or even go first once it's been established that we're going to have sex. 

So for the women out there- HD, LD or somewhere in the middle - does the topic of sex occupy your mind at all?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

40-20...Did you see Giro's reply #6?

I hope she will come back and answer your question here.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

committed4ever said:


> Never 0. Closest was 2nd and 3rd year on the pill. Even then once we were in the act I still liked it even though it started with me not really wanting it.
> 
> After having my baby I thought my drive would decrease since it was extreme HD during pregnancy. But I already don't see how I will make it to 6 weeks!


Congrats Committed. What did you have? Sounds like you are recovering very well. . 
C


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> Congrats Committed. What did you have? Sounds like you are recovering very well. .
> C


Thanks Catherine I am in fact recovering well!

I had a little girl.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

What?? Are you really early??? I thought it was going to be Halloween? CONGRATS, MOMMA!


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

So for the women out there- HD said:


> Sex does not pop into my mind spontaneously, I have to decide to think about it. H and I really struggled in the 5 to10 years after our first child. We tried a million different things to try and "fix" my libido. Unfortunately all of those attempts failed and conversely made me feel depressed, shamed, frustrated, broken, defensive, and angry.
> After some counseling and many self-help books we have accepted that I have responsive desire. H accepted this faster than I did. We both have adapted our behavior to work with this. H has to be much more clear about his intentions, no popping into bed at 11, grabbing my boob and being surprised I'm not in the mood. I need to consciously decide to concentrate on sex when H is flirting with me and trust that he is a skilled lover who can and will get me aroused if I let him. I don't need to be in the mood to have sex, I can get into it as we go.
> I'm one of those people who always has a million things I need to do, I have to force myself to switch gears in my head, shut off mommy, teacher, daughter and think like a wife. I also need to ask H for help when I am struggling with this. I hate asking for help so this was actually the hardest part for me! I had to learn how to say no to other demands for my help. I love to help people and often over-committed, not keeping my marriage and myself as a priority. This was hard to see at first because I thought of sex as something I needed to do for my husband, yes he likes sex but I needed to change for me. Sex should never be on my chore or responsibility list, this is not something that I do for my husband because I should. If my marriage is happy I will be happy, if I feel good about our sex life I feel better about me.
> My responsive does not mean that I just lay there while H does all the work. I felt guilty about what I felt was an excessive amount of "work" H had to do to get me going. H points out that once I am warmed up I am an enthusiastic and giving partner, if I don't let him arouse me than the sex is very one-sided and unfulfilling for both of us, not just me.
> I am extremely grateful that my husband did not give up on me, he could have easily divorced me and I would not have blamed him. We have sex whenever he wants to now, about 90% of the time I can get fully aroused, the other times are still good because it doesn't feel like something I have to do just for him.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I've been trying to search for a study I heard about several years ago, but I haven't been able to find it. It basically said that women generally don't initiate sex nearly as often as men do, but they do get into it when it is initiated. The study didn't know if it was hormonal, cultural, or what, but it was a very definite difference between the genders. 

I did find other information saying that, in general, women do not think about sex as often as men, don't think about having it with a partner as often as men do, and in fact, can go without it easier and for a longer period of time than men can. It specifically mentioned that it's not uncommon for women to go without sex or even masturbation for months after the end of a relationship -- that their desire just goes away for a while. Whereas men are more likely to keep up the same level of activity, either with new partners or by masturbation.

Most of the studies saw definite gender differences in the things that make up a sexual experience, and what constitutes as satisfying sexual experience, and consequently, a satisfying sex life.


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## Gonna Make It (Dec 3, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Yes, I agree that is probably the case, from everything you've written.
> 
> Which means...it really isn't you.
> 
> It is her.


But how do we stop feeling like it is us? How do we get past feeling that we are such sucky lovers that they would prefer NOBODY than being with us? And how do we get over the hurt that the one person that we want to be with more than words can describe, that person looks at us and says "naw".


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## loving1 (Aug 5, 2013)

When I was pregnant! I was so worried it wouldn't come back


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> NEVER.
> 
> And all through each pregnancy - I needed sex MORE ... and after each birth.... it was always a struggle for me waiting to "get it on"...I would complain I was dying & couldn't wait...we always broke down doing it weeks before I was "allowed" by the Doctor...


You sound like my wife. She wanted to after 8 but I made her wait. At 10 days, she just wouldn't take no for an answer.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

There has been mention of responsive desire. I initiated for years and 99% of the time was shut down. I tried different things and each time I may as well have been trying to get it on with the wall. 

One of the more perplexing things about this is that she does not care that she does not care. As husband and wife, we should try to take care of each other's needs. I have a bit of a time believing that she does not realize that this is an issue. A marriage without sex is just roommates.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

tyler said: "One of the more perplexing things about this is that she does not care that she does not care. As husband and wife, we should try to take care of each other's needs. I have a bit of a time believing that she does not realize that this is an issue. A marriage without sex is just roommates."

I know it seems baffling to you...but this is very common for LD spouses. They really DON'T get it, but you the HD think there is no way they couldn't get it.

They really don't, though.

She might get it if you make it clear to her that an eventual D is the consequence.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> tyler said: "One of the more perplexing things about this is that she does not care that she does not care. As husband and wife, we should try to take care of each other's needs. I have a bit of a time believing that she does not realize that this is an issue. A marriage without sex is just roommates."
> 
> I know it seems baffling to you...but this is very common for LD spouses. They really DON'T get it, but you the HD think there is no way they couldn't get it.
> 
> ...


I am not sure if issuing an ultimatum during a pregnancy is wise but I will be doing so sometime in the next six months. I am aware that putting pressure on her may not exactly spark the flame but the current celibate streak is not what I signed up for. I did not stay faithful so that I could have a roommate that just happened to be a woman.


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## julianne (Sep 18, 2013)

I have never had a prolonged period where I had zero drive. For a few days, or a week, yes.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

Somewhat randomly she initiated this weekend. This broke our 17-week streak. I am not sure what to think of it yet but will gladly accept.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Sorry to be a downer but...this was probably just her body finally waking up a bit and wanting some. If you leave things like they are (ie: just have the sex but don't iniate any new discussions and continuing not initiating sex) then likely she will want it again in another 17 weeks or so.

With a truly LD person, it rarely "means anything" when they do finally want some. It just means they reached their reset moment.

I know a woman whose husband wants sex quarterly. And that's all they have, quarterly sex.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Sorry to be a downer but...this was probably just her body finally waking up a bit and wanting some. If you leave things like they are (ie: just have the sex but don't iniate any new discussions and continuing not initiating sex) then likely she will want it again in another 17 weeks or so.
> 
> With a truly LD person, it rarely "means anything" when they do finally want some. It just means they reached their reset moment.
> 
> I know a woman whose husband wants sex quarterly. And that's all they have, quarterly sex.


Our frequency is about the same when I was actively discussing and making an effort as it is now when I have essentially given up. I am starting to not care either. Our lack of a sex life used to bother me and be front and center on my mind. Now, I am starting to be just as indifferent as she is.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Tyler:

Your wife sounds like mine. 

We once had a fulfilling sex life then it slowly but progressively dried up. I kept getting stonewalled when I asked why, and finally she proclaimed that she had "transcended sex". 

She implied that I was somewhat primitive, too, for wanting sex because marriage, she said, was about more than sex. She said she loved me and If I loved her, I wouldn't be so focused on sex



> ...but it does still bother me and it is a pain and rejection few people can understand unless they go through this.


That quote is so true. Until someone walks in these shoes, they just do not understand. 

FYI, I only wanted sex maybe once a week. Twice would have been excellent, but once would have been just fine, in my book. 




tyler1978 said:


> A year and a half ago, we had the "talk". One of my questions was why she was never in the mood. Her reply was, "I do not know. I just never feel the urge". I asked her if this bothered her and she said, "No". I said that it bothered me. Her reply was, "I will help you get off if you want?". That is like saying, "Let's not go the game but we can go get a gas station hot dog instead, if you want? I expressed that it is not the same and her response was that she was sorry but that she would work on it.
> 
> Intermittently in the time after that, I would bring it up and her response would generally be that she is not in the mood, she does not know why, and that everything seems to be fine. I get stonewalled after that.
> 
> ...


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

tyler1978 said:


> I am going to give this until one year after the child is born. If MC is part of that, fine. If one year after the child is born, things do not change it is time to move on. Change does not mean that we have sex a prescribed number of times. I want to feel like I have a wife and not just some random woman that happens to live in the same house as I do. If we are not going to have sex that is meaningful ,passionate, and desired by both then why bother with being husband and wife?


Well, Tyler, there are other reasons to stay married. 

Can you get her to an experienced legitimate sex therapist? Maybe they can help. 

They will likely start by explaining the chemical bond that sex creates between spouses.

If all else fails can you ask for a trial separation. This might wake her up and at least she may go to counseling. 

Please do not have an affair, if you love her. Even if you plan to leave her. Having an affair will cause too much harm to both minds.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

I have never really considered an affair. I can't say that I have not given it an occasional thought but have no intentions of following through. At the moment, life is just too good. We have a child on the way, beautiful home, great family support, etc.

We could try a separation or counseling. We have not touched the idea of counseling.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Sorry to be a downer but...this was probably just her body finally waking up a bit and wanting some. If you leave things like they are (ie: just have the sex but don't iniate any new discussions and continuing not initiating sex) then likely she will want it again in another 17 weeks or so.
> 
> With a truly LD person, it rarely "means anything" when they do finally want some. It just means they reached their reset moment.
> 
> I know a woman whose husband wants sex quarterly. And that's all they have, quarterly sex.


I've referred to it this way to my wife in the past--"getting the quarterly report" lol. 


I don't think she got the humor.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

tyler1978 said:


> Somewhat randomly she initiated this weekend. This broke our 17-week streak. I am not sure what to think of it yet but will gladly accept.


FW is right on the money here, Tyler. She just hit her reset. It's not a sign of things changing.

I'm looking at one month tomorrow since my last fun with the wife (and that was my birthday so I'm sure it only happened then out of a sense of obligation). My wife will do the same--weeks will go by then WHAMMO she'll initiate out of the blue. I'll get my hopes up that it actually means something, and then more weeks will pass... etc.

I've just about had my fill of it honestly. I lose respect for myself every time it happens because I know I should be declining it until more substantial changes happen.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

I've had times of zero desire for my husband, but my sex drive has stayed relatively the same over the years. So when I wasn't interested in sex with my husband, I'd still masturbate and look at porn. You can have a sex drive but not want the messy emotions involved with having sex with someone you have a complicated relationship with.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I have been through a couple of zero drive periods in my life. I lost my drive with each of my first two husbands. 

H1- we had sexual issues almost from the very beginning of the relationship, one of the biggest being that he would get really angry at me if I turned down sex. Also, he was a drag, sex was never fun...it was something that I was "supposed" to do, and I never felt like it was ME that he wanted, he just wanted sex...make sense? Add on top of that that he had a tendency to drink too much, and he smoked, which after a while completely grossed me out. He stopped showering or changing clothes after work, and he had a grungy job. He showed me no affection or attention. There finally came a point that I realized that I was just DONE with the whole sex thing, I was never going to have sex with him again. And I didnt. I became a sexless being, basically. Or, so I thought. After some time, along came another man whose mere presence in the room set my body on fire, and yes, I cheated. (I have discussed this before) Here I had come to the conclusion that I would no longer feel desire, and then that happened. We divorced not long after, I am the one who left and filed. 

H#2....Our sex life started out amazing! We werent really adventurous together, but it was GOOD. Over time, I cant really recall how long, my desire for him starting going down. When we would go to bed, he would only touch me if he wanted sex, and that usually included just shoving his hand in my crotch. (sexy, right??) So eventually I got to the point that when I went to bed, I faced away from him curled in a tight little ball, hoping he wouldnt touch me. Normal frequency for us was once a week for the longest time, probably twice a week when had been better. He was critical and verbally abusive to me, and stupid as it may sound, I didnt realize it for the longest time...that kind of thing creeps in on you when that is your day to day life. He used to give me the silent treatment, and he was never happy. And I think that my body responded without me being consciously aware of it, by pulling away from him. My desire shut off completely. 

Sex for me evidently is very mental. I did not fully realize this until after I divorced the second time. I am normally HD, but if I am treated poorly and being made to feel like crap in the rest of the relationship, the HD drops to 0D.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

Besides our latest random session, she shows no sexual inclination whatsoever. Again, she never masturbates. It is not like she is wanting it but just not from me. The desire is not there. I am pretty sure that if we stopped having sex altogether, she would be unaffected. It would have the same effect on her as the sands shifting in Libya does. 

Lately, i have backed off but typically I am quite affectionate and do nice things for her just because. Besides her nonexistent sex drive, she is a great wife. I let her know that I enjoy her company and so on.


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## Justme D (Oct 21, 2013)

Just saw this topic and thought I'd chime in. I just turned 39 and earlier I had no sex drive and really wasn't affectionate BUT now it's like my body has exploded...talk dirty, want it more stronger and harder ready to try exciting things like picking my husband up in a bar with nothing under my trench coat. Only thing I get these weird vibe from my husband like he's thinking "Is she cheating...why all of a sudden does she want to do this...? Don't know how to handle this....


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

A bit strange but during this weekend, she told me about having two solo sessions. That would not be a big deal for most people. However, she never self satisfies and so this is promising. I am not sure if there is a reason behind this. The randomness of this is a bit strange.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

How did you respond?

I'm kind of wondering about *your* communication skills at this point...because it seems like that would have been a lead in for conversation.

Maybe you did...


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## MicroStorm (Aug 10, 2012)

tyler1978 said:


> A bit strange but during this weekend, she told me about having two solo sessions. That would not be a big deal for most people. However, she never self satisfies and so this is promising. _I am not sure if there is a reason behind this._ The randomness of this is a bit strange.


Pregnancy hormonal changes maybe? Don't know. So far, my wife has been sexually indifferent to the pregnancy, but maybe yours is having some pregnancy-related impulses.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> How did you respond?
> 
> I'm kind of wondering about *your* communication skills at this point...because it seems like that would have been a lead in for conversation.
> 
> Maybe you did...


I found out via text. I responded that I could come home and we could make this happen. She declined. Her reason was that it would be weird to send my friend that is visiting away. I ended up sending him on an errand and giving it a try. Big swing and a miss. She was too tired. I want to say that it is encouraging but not sure what to think more than anything.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"I want to say that it is encouraging but not sure what to think more than anything."

So instead of being "not sure what to think" you could just communicate with her about it and find out what the real deal is. I get confused when people don't openly communicate, but then "wonder" what is up with their spouse. No one but she will be able to tell you what is up.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> "I want to say that it is encouraging but not sure what to think more than anything."
> 
> So instead of being "not sure what to think" you could just communicate with her about it and find out what the real deal is. I get confused when people don't openly communicate, but then "wonder" what is up with their spouse. No one but she will be able to tell you what is up.


We are going to be insanely busy for the next two days but once that is over, I will try to have a conversation. In the past, I have been stonewalled more often than not. It is worth another try. Anyways, it has been at least 2 years since the last time that she really communicated that she had any interest so the randomness is a bit strange.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I don't actually think it is strange. Even asexual people might suddenly want to MB twice in one day. It doesn't mean they wanted partnered sex.

But I still think the discussions are necessary so you can know what is really up.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

tyler1978 said:


> I found out via text. I responded that I could come home and we could make this happen. She declined. Her reason was that it would be weird to send my friend that is visiting away. I ended up sending him on an errand and giving it a try. Big swing and a miss. She was too tired. I want to say that it is encouraging but not sure what to think more than anything.





Faithful Wife said:


> I don't actually think it is strange. Even asexual people might suddenly want to MB twice in one day. It doesn't mean they wanted partnered sex.
> 
> But I still think the discussions are necessary so you can know what is really up.


I think she is being passive aggressive and is messing with him. Rejecting him, with the perfect redirection of it back onto him...It was his fault he was rejected...he was with a friend...I'd bet dollars to donuts that if he had been there with her, she would not have initiated, nor would she have masturbated...if she actually did at all...


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

But I think he hasn't been initiating lately because he wanted to see how long it took her to notice. So how is she rejecting him lately?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> But I think he hasn't been initiating lately because he wanted to see how long it took her to notice. So how is she rejecting him lately?


Telling him that she took care of herself a couple of times while he was away with his friends with the implication that if he were with her, he could have done it. Then when he said well, lets keep going nope, she said she was too tired....Taking care of herself, if she actually did and is not just lying, when he was not around now lets her take the direction of see, I was willing and ready, but you were doing other things and just weren't there, so it's your fault you didn't get any...do you see how messed up that is?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I just don't get the impression that that is how it went down.

If anything, I have the impression that tyler thinks his wife "knows" what he wants, but she doesn't.

I think she was just making a statement like "huh, weird, huh?" and didn't expect tyler's response of they can "make it happen" because she honestly didn't ever consider having sex either way and in her mind, this is because they have a friend visiting.

OTOH, who is the friend visiting? Is it the one women throw their panties at? Maybe just his presence in the house made her horny.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> I just don't get the impression that that is how it went down.
> 
> If anything, I have the impression that tyler thinks his wife "knows" what he wants, but she doesn't.
> 
> ...


Yes, the visitor is the friend that I have written about. 

She is not a fan of him at all but she may secretly find him attractive.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

tyler1978 said:


> Yes, the visitor is the friend that I have written about.
> 
> She is not a fan of him at all but she may secretly find him attractive.


Damn FW...you saw that coming didn't you?  Well done! He might be pinging nice a bright on the ol sexdar...


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Which still actually means nothing...yes his presence may have subconsciously triggered her inner horny...but she is still truly LD and as I said, even an asexual person will MB once in awhile.

I would guesss he doesn't consciously find him sexy and doesn't consciously want to F him at all...nor anyone else.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Which still actually means nothing...yes his presence may have subconsciously triggered her inner horny...but she is still truly LD and as I said, even an asexual person will MB once in awhile.
> 
> I would guesss he doesn't consciously find him sexy and doesn't consciously want to F him at all...nor anyone else.


Not to give you play by play but she is spending the night at a friend's house because she dislikes him so much. Anyways, this little incident (her saying that she had a session) probably means nothing but after so long, I will grasp at straws.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Ok so did she spend the night with a friend last night and that is when she took care of herself? If so why would you have to send the friend out in order to get it on, if she isn't even there?

Confused.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Ok so did she spend the night with a friend last night and that is when she took care of herself? If so why would you have to send the friend out in order to get it on, if she isn't even there?
> 
> Confused.


Her texting me that she had masturbated was on Sunday. Her staying with a friend is happening tonight, Monday.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Ok gotcha.

No point in that really, I was just curious.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Nope. I am 36 yo going through a devastating divorce and I still 
Have sex drive. Really wish I didn't  at least not at this moment.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Ok gotcha.
> 
> No point in that really, I was just curious.


So you are thinking she is truly Low DRIVE as opposed to Low DESIRE then?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Yes. But low desire, too.


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

Like some of the others replying, my drive and desire are very dependent upon the state of my relationship with my partner. If things are bad, my desire plummets, and if things get bad enough, my drive will die, too. A distinction someone else made in an earlier post is being wanted for sex versus *being wanted for yourself*. Important. Also, emotional intimacy/connection is critical to a lot of women. It seems to be ignored or brushed aside in discussions on TAM, but I feel it is absolutely crucial to people having the relationships and sex that they want with their wives/girlfriends. So I'm not sure why people seem to think it doesn't matter.


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## srena200 (Jul 13, 2009)

. I would like to know if there has been a time in your life when you had absolutely no sex drive. A time when nothing that your husband or anybody else could have done to spark interest in you. 


Sex for women can be deeply mental and emotional. Sure, hormones come into play but I have always had a high sex drive and love sex. Times has occurred when we have had arguments but I have never been petty enough to withhold sex because of it. Sex is the glue, the connection, the intimacy of a marriage and it can be played out in a variety of ways. There may be a mental block or physical issue if you have NO sex drive whatsoever or maybe you need to think about Brad Pitt, Laz Alonso, or Boris Kodjoe or your favorite sexy man to get the juices flowing.


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## Feeling-Lonely (Nov 13, 2013)

You are not on oral birth control? Or any kind of hormonal birth control?
I think women have the highest sexual drive during ovulation and hormonal birth control will mess that up. 
You don't find yourself feeling attractive and feminine when you ovulate? 

I don't need a ovulation test, I know exactly when it is because I actually feel pretty and like my image in the mirror. When I normally don't think I am very attractive.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I have hard time distinguishing no libido from hate. I'm pretty sure it's hate and biology is held hostage by that.


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