# Distant friend... should I worry?



## saidiecat (Sep 6, 2011)

Okay... I've posted on here before a while ago about my husband's EA, which is now over and there has been no contact for months now. Things have been getting better by the second, but I still have an issue. He talks with his EA partner's best friend who now lives out of state. They talk via facebook. To prove his loyalty, he gives me access to his facebook so I can look at their conversations if I want, which are usually not harmful. I know they aren't really going to have an affair or anything, but their are a few factors that bother me. One being the fact she is the friend of the 'other girl'. I know she would be a conduit for their cheating behavior if my husband asked her to. Another issue I have is her attitude towards me. She found out that I sometimes look at the messages she writes to my husband and she flipped out. Now she wants nothing to do with me, is often rude towards me and my husband has a 'passive' way of standing up for me. For example, instead of saying "Hey, don't you dare say that about my wife, now apologize or I will no longer be your friend." its more like "That's not nice, dont say things like that" (which doesn't ever help). 
His reasoning is that she's just someone to talk to, just words on a screen. I've asked him a few times to stop talking to her and he'll stop for a while, but goes right back to it after a week or two. I've recorded how often he tries to talk to her and it's just about everyday. Even if she doesnt answer him. Ive told him how unhelpful it is having a friend like her, and he says he agrees but he doesn't show it. 
I know I'm not the strongest person in displaying what I want, because I always feel like the bad guy. 
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't worry because she's so far away, but even so... her words still hurt. Should I really just put my foot down and live with my husband being a brat about it for a few months? Or should I just let the harmless chatter go as long as she doesn't say anything more about me? Or am I just being paranoid all together? 
Our lives are changing soon for the better. I got a great job and he's finally got a job after 6 months of unemployment. I wrote him a letter about the things I want to change. It wasn't all about him, I wrote things I wanted to change in myself as well, but one of the things was for him to stop talking to her. So far he hasn't. So maybe I should just give him until we start our new jobs? 
Man I like to jibber jabber....


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

He's having an EA right in front of you with the OW's friend. And how do you know that it's really her friend and not her? He needs to stop talking to her. And this is coming from a cheater (EA) to you. If it is her friend, then he found someone else besides you to fill the communications gap that was created when he stopped the EA. That's 100% wrong!!! I almost fell into that trap myself. But I saw what I was doing and quit doing it.


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## saidiecat (Sep 6, 2011)

Thank you for your response, especially from the other point of view. I'm very sure it isn't the other girl, mostly because the friend talks about specific things (ie. her family, her baby, etc.). I am pushing him to make new friends since sometimes it's hard to talk to me if I work an 11 hr shift or if I go to bed early. I want him to have friends that are friends with me to, or at least will acknowledge me.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

His friends need to be guys. EA's are a very strong drug. I crave the feelings I had during my EA. But I do not act on them. Don't let him get his "fix" from another female friend. You both need some couple friends.

I'm just being honest. I'm not hateful towards him or trying to hurt you emotionally.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Yes, worry. You need to set some boundaries with your husband. NO opposite sex friends, due to the damage already done. EA's are like drugs - dopamine! Very addictive.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

What is it with your H.?????---Sit him down, and ask him point blank, WHY he has to keep on spending time with single women??????

You might not so gently, remind him, of his vows------let me ask you something----how much time do you spend talking to single men, about ANYTHING----Hopefully, the answer is zero.

You need to develope ZERO TOLERANCE, to your H., spending time on ANY website, with ANY woman

IT IS INAPPROPRIATE----you need to tell him this in no uncertain terms----HE IS MARRIED, remind him of that

Just because he is doing it openly, does not mean that its right---she is single, and basically a stranger, and she DOES NOT BELONG IN YOUR MGE.

DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

HerToo said:


> He's having an EA right in front of you with the OW's friend.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

This needs to stop yesterday! Don't be fooled....you husband is still having an affair...even if it's someone new.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Geoffrey Marsh said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree:
> 
> This needs to stop yesterday! Don't be fooled....you husband is still having an affair...even if it's someone new.


:iagree:

Geez, this guy just won't stop his bad behavior. So he thinks it's alright simply because now he's talking to OW's friend? Are you serious? An EA is an EA. His reasoning is it just someone to talk to? He should be talking to you, not someone else, especially a female, and most especially not a friend of the OW.

His behavior is going to lead to yet another affair unless you stop this now. This is ridiculous. Its time you let him know some real boundaries, don't take anymore justifications or rationales from him.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

He's still getting emotional needs met by a woman other than you. Doesn't matter if that woman is Mother Theresa or Medusa it's still inappropriate. 

1. He needs to stop looking outside the marriage to get his needs met - PERIOD.

2. Him and the two of you together need to figure out what need he has that isn't getting met and then figure out how to fulfill it inside the marriage. If this requires IC, MC or both so be it. He's clearly going to get this need met no matter what, so figure out how to do it inside the bounds of wedding vows.


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