# If your spouse leaves you.



## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

Hello everyone,

I have been lurking here for months and reading alot of the threads. One thing I would like to know and can't recall seeing it here much.

If your spouse moves out and they admit to you they had someone else but they broke up. If you work it out, how soon should you let them back home? Is 4 months too soon? Are you always worried they will leave you again and if not, how long did it take to stop worrying about it?

Long story but cheated before wedding day, cheated two years after and cheated again (this time asked a divorce) but its over with them and now in R. Families both know and NC has been in place (without intervention, he did it on his own) for a few months. 

I would really like answers to the questions but offered the background for context. Entire family is Christian and don't believe in divorce.

Thanks alot.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

I'm sorry to say but you're married to a serial cheater. Run away from this one. The family may not believe in divorce but they're not the one married to this cheater.

Run Forrest run!!


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Asia,
The bible does allow for divorce in cases of adultery. You, however, are living this reality every day and must ultimately make the stay or go decision. You have to ask yourself if you are really in R or are just rug sweeping past mistakes.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Married in VA said:


> Asia,
> The bible does allow for divorce in cases of adultery. You, however, are living this reality every day and must ultimately make the stay or go decision. You have to ask yourself if you are really in R or are just rug sweeping past mistakes.



:iagree:

Not only that, the OP has to consider whether his position is simply her "Plan B" and if they should get back together, does anything change that will assure that she won't cheat again when a new potential OM shows up.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

I am going to make this clear. Do not let him back under any circumstance. Divorce. Be done with it. You haven't broken any vows at this point.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I would never allow them back in, especially a serial cheater.

My ex h is a serial cheater. 19 years later, he still cheat to this day! He never gave it up and I don't think he will.

If I was cheated on again, that's it. I'm not marrying again. I do trust my husband though. He would never put himself in this position.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Around the same time hell freezes over.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

asia said:


> I would really like answers to the questions but offered the background for context. Entire family is *Christian* and don't believe in divorce.
> 
> Thanks alot.


I am sorry to hear about your situation. 

Matthew 5:9 
"_But I say to you, that whosoever shall put away his wife, excepting for the cause of fornication, maketh her to commit adultery: and he that shall marry her that is put away, committeth adultery._"

In that section where it says fornication, thats greek word porneia. What Matthew meant there is "unchastity" before marriage, which means you can get married after you fornicate with different partners, which is still wrong. 





I'm all for reconciliation and this may sound very condescending but I am not being so in anyway. You married a man out of love. I must assume there were no grounds for question at the time of marriage and/or of the validity of your marriage, or any grounds for annulment but I dare say that I hope you did not marry in the catholic church because then you have NO choice but to remain married or else commit adultery (which he is already doing so if that is the case) if you end up with someone else after the fact.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

Thanks for all of the replies and advice. I am going to get it another chance but worried about the questions I posed. I will put them here again for reference. "If your spouse moves out and they admit to you they had someone else but they broke up. If you work it out, how soon should you let them back home? Is 4 months too soon? Are you always worried they will leave you again and if not, how long did it take to stop worrying about it?"

I know we have a long way to go but have a daughter that has emotional problems when he is not around. She acts out and needs us both. I honestly think that is why he is still here, due to her needs and family pressures. Its hard for me to come to terms with everything he has done but he is trying to be a better husband and Christ-like. We even took posed pictures as a family. 

I'm worried that he will leave us again. How can I get over that or stop it from happening again? His last OW lives out of the country so not worried about them hooking up. (unless they resume contact and I have all the passwords, cell records, etc.) I am certain they are not talking anymore.

Please help me and thanks for everything so far.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Why 4 months?

Why should you take back a serial cheater? He has no respect for the marriage.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Only after 4358727549808752 days. Then you can let her come back.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

asia said:


> If you work it out, how soon should you let them back home?
> I'm worried that he will leave us again.
> How can I get over that or stop it from happening again?
> 
> Please help me and thanks for everything so far.



If you already _"worked things out"_ then now is the time to move back in.
We all worry our spouse will _"leave us again"_, that's why some of us choose not to reconcile.
You never get over it and there's nothing you can do to_ "stop it from happening again"_.

T


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

I guess I am asking how long does it take to work it out from when you find out? He had already left before I knew and I started going everywhere with him with our daughter. I shut down any time he could go and spend with her, went on vacations, and family functions. We have been doing that for some time. He came back in Sept after being gone four months. So now that I have him back, I am so super scared he may do it again.

I love my husband and want our family but it kills me that he keeps cheating on me. And to think he found the "one" and left me to be with her???? I pray and asked God to help me forgive and I have. I just am always scared and want it to go away. If he is here because of our daughter, then at least I want our house to be filled with love and friendship. I want him to love me like I love him but he keeps cheating. I feel like he has cheated our entire marriage. 

We have never separated before this time but had our share of problems. We also have alot of fun together and enjoy spending time with our daughter. I feel like I am always the one trying to keep the marriage together. He puts in effort but the cheating halts everything. Without the cheating, we would be fine. 

I hate the fact the OW is pretty and nicely shaped. She is physically his type but she can't be much of a woman if she was with my husband. She knew he was married but I think he told her we were on the outs and getting divorced. He asked me for divorce and then went to see her (I found this out after he confessed). I felt like someone shot me in the heart. Then to find out, they were together quite often when I was trying to keep our marriage together.

Now that they are over and we are back together, I live in complete terror that she will come back. If he left me for her before, how do I know he doesn't still have feelings for her? Sorry for rambling.

Ughh!!


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

He is a serial cheater. You allow yourself to be a serial victim. Why do you think anything is different? He will bide his time with you until he can worm his way into someone else's pants.

You can not control him, you can not change him. He is who he is, and he had shown his true lack of character to you again and again. He is not who you wish he would be, and no amount of prayer or anything else is going to change that.

You can control yourself. You can set limits on what kind of treatment you will accept, you can demonstrate how to be a strong healthy individual to your daughter, or you can continue to show her how to be a doormat for a complete piece of **** husband. I do not believe your life is going to get better if you keep taking your husband back. It will definitely get better if you stand up for yourself and dump him for good.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Pursue an annulment.

A lot of churches recognizes this when a marriage was entered into under false pretenses.



asia said:


> Hello everyone,
> 
> I have been lurking here for months and reading alot of the threads. One thing I would like to know and can't recall seeing it here much.
> 
> ...


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

We are not Catholic. Christians so divorce is optionally in our faith. He says he doesn't want to break up.

He even took family pictures and went on vacation as a family. Our families support us being together and he knows they would be upset if he left again. Although my family doesn't really like him, they still support me.

The family pictures is a new start for us and I don't think he would take them if he wasn't serious. Do WS normally do those kinds of things if they are still wanting to leave or with other women? It is embarrassing so I don't tell anyone outside of my mom and dad and his mom and dad what is going on. It is hard to stay sane some days and other days I can't live without him.

Also, slightly off topic, do WS keep reminders of their AP's or do they get rid of everything? Do they forget that the AP got them certain things and keep them because the BS does know the origin? He has some shoes that I didn't buy and it was during that time period.....


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Matthew 19 and I Corinthians 7 are the two exception clauses for divorce within the Christian lifestyle. 

Sweetheart, take my word for it. God doesn't want you to stay with this horrible person.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Sorry to be so blunt but dies a house have to fall on you? Really? Save your last bit of dignity!


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Asia, you need to divorce this bum immediately. That fact that your creep of a serial cheating husband had the balls to take new family pictures and even go on vacation with you shows what a total and complete scumbag he is !!

You say your daughter has emotional problems when he is gone ? Just think of the emotional problems she will have growing up and into adulthood with her female role model (YOU!) living a life of being cheated on and completely disrespected at all times by you lying, cheating husband.


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

I took it as a sign of his recommitment to our family (the pictures and vacation). I know I should probably leave him but I want it to work. There isn't much he can say that I honestly believe but I have to forgive and let us try to fix our problems. 

I am getting alot of 2x4's and understand it. I am just hurt and want this pain to be over. I am happy he is home with me and not with her. He ended it and is home. I used to threaten to leave him if he did it again and look what happened.....I stayed yet again. We had a great Thanksgiving with his family and I am trying to look towards the new year as a positive thing.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

OP, did you ever notice how much more it hurts when you pull a bandaid off slowly. To make it hurt less, you've got to yank that sucker off. Alas, you WILL one day have to pull that bandaid off. How you go about doing it is up to you.

Good luck!


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

asia said:


> I took it as a sign of his recommitment to our family (the pictures and vacation). I know I should probably leave him but I want it to work. There isn't much he can say that I honestly believe but I have to forgive and let us try to fix our problems.
> 
> I am getting alot of 2x4's and understand it. I am just hurt and want this pain to be over. I am happy he is home with me and not with her. He ended it and is home. I used to threaten to leave him if he did it again and look what happened.....I stayed yet again. We had a great Thanksgiving. with his family and I am trying to look towards the new year as a positive thing.


How many signs of recommitment has he given after the episodes of cheating? It doesnt matter if you want it to work, what he has is working just the way he likes it. You are his house keeper and babysitter, sex if he wants to probably, and he gets to go screw anyone who will let him. Then when that gets old, he comes back, and takes up residence with no consequences. 

He is telling you loudly and crystal clearly with his actions that this is how he wants his marriage to work, and that he will not change. You can forgive him, but that will not change anything. You can fix your problem, but not by staying with it. He doesn't have a problem to fix, except for a temporary lack of a mistress, he'll fix that soon enough though.

You threatened to leave, he didn't believe you, and he did it again. If you do not leave, you confirm to him your threats are empty, and that he can continue to walk all over you, and you will take it. This isn't the first time, it won't be the last, until you decide it is the last that involves you.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

asia said:


> I took it as a sign of his recommitment to our family (the pictures and vacation). I know I should probably leave him but I want it to work. There isn't much he can say that I honestly believe but I have to forgive and let us try to fix our problems.
> 
> I am getting alot of 2x4's and understand it. I am just hurt and want this pain to be over. I am happy he is home with me and not with her. He ended it and is home. I used to threaten to leave him if he did it again and look what happened.....I stayed yet again. We had a great Thanksgiving with his family and I am trying to look towards the new year as a positive thing.


Your mind is made up. I don't think you really need this thread.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Let him go emotionally. It's the only way he will respect you enough to let her go. You can love him all you want but sometimes its best to love from a distance and know you will still survive and thrive. Your daughter needs therapy to handle his absences. He didn't think much of her when he was gone for 4 months. To free yourself from him, demand that he gets sex addiction counseling...His response will tell you his commitment level to your marriage. If he does do it, it's the only way your marriage stands a chance of being saved.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

asia said:


> Hello everyone,
> 
> I have been lurking here for months and reading alot of the threads. One thing I would like to know and can't recall seeing it here much.
> 
> ...


Personally if my WW had moved out to be with OM that would be a deal breaker that I couldn't get past. There would be no way for me to R at that point.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

You deserve better.

If your sister or daughter was in the same situation as you, what would tell her?


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

asia said:


> It is embarrassing so I don't tell anyone outside of my mom and dad and his mom and dad what is going on. It is hard to stay sane some days and other days I can't live without him.
> 
> Also, slightly off topic, do WS keep reminders of their AP's or do they get rid of everything? Do they forget that the AP got them certain things and keep them because the BS does know the origin? He has some shoes that I didn't buy and it was during that time period.....


If you want to recover this marriage you need to get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

You need to use this book as a blue print to follow word to word.

What you have done in the past has not worked and will not work now.

You need to learn many things. Such as your shoes question being off topic. Your concern about the shoes is right on the Bull Eye, dead center on the target. Gifts from the AP must all be thrown out.

Get that book today.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

How would this be any different if he died? You said how do you get rid of the feeling that he might leave again. The only way I know is for him to leave the marriage for good. 

How is a marriage emotionally stable if you worry that he will leave?
Do you guys just put on an act until your kid reaches 18 then split?

Like some others point out he found out the grass was not green else were and now wants back for a little while until something better comes along or a problem in the marriage (no sex, not enough attention, etc) then will bolt again.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I wouldn't do it. Serial cheaters never quit. They can't stop the cheating without intense therapy. Even that might not work. Serial cheating is an addiction. Not something I'd take their word for it.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Yea!......This is going to work! Ummm. I am going to be polite and nice. You should take your time and think about the pro's and con's of your relationship thus far. Maybe, you should decide that you are worth a lot more than your husband is giving and that you could do better at a men's homeless shelter. Just my 2 cents. Merry Christmas David


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

Thank you guys for your responses.....I thought the thread was gone...lol.

We are both back at church and he joined FB again. I have all the passwords and such but he hasn't put up our pictures as his profile page. His OW blocked him months ago but I still want him to be proud of his family. That may not be a big deal but I put our pictures up...why hasn't he?

I still wonder if he thinks about her. Is it possible he has totally forgotten their relationship and doesn't secretly still miss her? I think about this quite often as well? Is that normal for a BS?

Someone commented that he was living with her, he wasn't. He only told me because he was scared she was going to rat him out but she never did. 

I am getting alot of advice to leave. But I feel like I am his wife forever and God hates divorce so we should be able to lean on Him for our marriage. I have thought for years that he is only here for our daughter. I mean if he cheats every few years, what other reason could he be here for? Both of our families pressure him to treat me better and he has. He has always treated me good (except with cheating and lying about it).


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

I dont think it really matters that everyone here thinks she should leave him. She is pretty sure she is going to take him back, for whatever reason, the question she wants answered is "is it too soon and how long does it take to stop worrying".

The answer is that you will never stop worrying....EVER!!! NEVER!! Once its happened you will always have that fear in the back of your mind that it will happen again.

Is 4 mos too soon, I guess that depends on how genuine you think he is? Its your life, you have to get up every morning and look at yourself in the mirror and be happy with the life you are living.


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

One more thing I forgot to ask.

Do any of the BS get tired for checking up on their spouses? I feel like I am holding him hostage by searching through everything, keylogger installed (he knows), checking phone records and only feel peace when I know he is on the straight and narrow. But my thing is how long is this supposed to go along while you are trying to have a happy marriage.

These thoughts and feelings are killing me. Three physical affairs (one right before we got married so that doesn't really count) and I feel like I am doing all the work to protect the family. He is more open about his things and putting in the effort. Being for the me (like I have asked a million times) or for our daughter. Maybe both.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

God save you.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

He is a serial cheater, you don't give him any real consequences, he won't stop, ever.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Asia,

Has your H sought forgiveness from God?

I don't think God would want you to be with this man. This is just my opinion, but I think he would want you to stand up, be strong and find a better man. Someone who will treat you as well as you treat them. This man is a mistake.

I'm sorry you're in the situation you're in. Others are in it, too. 

However, the odds are that he will cheat again. I think you know that in your heart.



> Three physical affairs (one right before we got married so that doesn't really count)


Uh, it certainly does. Did he convince you it didn't?



> That may not be a big deal but I put our pictures up...why hasn't he?


He's not into it. He's still in turmoil. Another red flag. 


> I still wonder if he thinks about her.


Yes, he does. 


> I am getting alot of advice to leave.


There's a good reason for that.



> But I feel like I am his wife forever and God hates divorce so we should be able to lean on Him for our marriage.


I am sorry but what Church do you go to? This sounds like brainwashing to me. You are not his forever. And check this out..

*GOD HATES ADULTERY MORE THAN DIVORCE.*


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## jmb123 (Nov 9, 2012)

asia said:


> One more thing I forgot to ask.
> 
> Do any of the BS get tired for checking up on their spouses? I feel like I am holding him hostage by searching through everything, keylogger installed (he knows), checking phone records and only feel peace when I know he is on the straight and narrow. But my thing is how long is this supposed to go along while you are trying to have a happy marriage.
> 
> These thoughts and feelings are killing me. Three physical affairs (one right before we got married so that doesn't really count) and I feel like I am doing all the work to protect the family. He is more open about his things and putting in the effort. Being for the me (like I have asked a million times) or for our daughter. Maybe both.


Leave him.Consider me to be asia2 .I am not a christian and my birth religion is all the more srtict w.r.t to all this .So I wasted my 11 years till I agreed to leave just for myself.Also I am well aware of the stigma attached with divorce especially for a woman in a closed society even today.Still we need to do whats needs to be done.
I was foolish enough to be romantic and disillusioned with the the thought that 'I am his wife forever!!!' kind of feeling.

Do not make yourself suffer.He is not worth it.No human being is worth it.You say you want him for your daughter's well being.No daughter in the whole world wants a cheater as their father.Be assured she is going to hate him for what he ahs already done to you .

Secondly what lesson is your daughter learning 'that you are great loving person for accepting her father with all his ****!!!!' No ,do not do this to her.She needs atleast one parent who is stromg with a clear and healthy mindset.If my mom chose to lve with a cheater of a father .I would be devoid of any self-esteem and would have distorted mindset(being the daughter of people one of whom is a cheater and the otehr one is the one without any self-esteem for putting up with this ****)

I am not being negative to you for wanting to be with him.But what is this life;You are hurting yourself;You worry he will leave you;You want to spy on him;You feel cheated and angry that he was with other women;You keep on thinking why he did not post the families photo on FB.bla bla bla...Why are you so much in pain.Leave this dirty person and have the courage to start a good life.

And you say ,he ahs been good to you always EXCEPT this CHEATING;What is LEFT when he cheats on YOU;PEOPLE marry to get life time of honest companionship;HE IS B****** of the WORST DEGREE;Emotional Abuser too;CHEATING means he has no respect for you,the daughter,the marraige,the family;
He was never good to you;OPEN YOUR EYES;You have lost all your self-esteem,

Under the disguise of religion do not live your insecurity;If it was religion alone because of which you were giving him chances then you would ahve been a strong woman;You would not have been here;You would not be insecure;You would be proud of yourself and you would know that if he commits a mistake again you shall leave him;

Today I feel you are just insecure,you perhaps think you are not good enough ;so you are putting up with his nonsense;I am sure it is the daughter because of which you want to be with him;
Please leave him;

Have the courage to lead a dignified life and sleep peacefully without worrying that some ass is trying to ruin your life;

I have been there;It was difficult for me and very painful but am happy today.

Merry Christmas and happy new year.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

keko said:


> Only after 4358727549808752 days. Then you can let her come back.


Yeah, *keko*! But I would greatly think that that *4,358,727,549,808,748th day * would be an absolute bear!

Seriously, you have a serial cheater on your hands with a rich track record that nothing is ever going to change. Once he committed his first adulterous act, then all of the ensuing ones are just that much easier for him to commit.

Give him the air! You deserve far better out of life!


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## Pointegirl (Nov 21, 2012)

I desperately would like for my husband to come back and ask for forgiveness. I never ever though divorce was an option for me. However, as my cousin put it "God wants us to love as he loved, not to lay ourselves out as a doormat." I thought that was well put. You are not being loved in a Christian way, by any means. You are supposed to be honored by your husband, not treated like crap.

Annulment is generally an option even for non-Catholics if he lied to you prior to the wedding (and cheating counts, and friend of mine just got an annulment from her spouse cheating before they wed). Then you don't have "divorce" in your background. You say his pre-marriage affair doesn't count, but if you were engaged, I think it is WORSE. It proves that he never intended to respect you. If I found out that happened in my case, it would seal the deal for ditching him.


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

I feel like everytime I think things are better, I find out he cheated. It's like I am always recovering. It's on a every few years cycle. I want to break the cycle and I believe he does too.

I am staying, just trying to figure out how to deal with these recurring emotions. He's home and we spent great holidays together with family. The thing is, this last OW, it appears he was really serious about. This was a first, before the other women did not matter, just sex. This one he seems to really wanted to be with. That makes our R harder for me. No one really knows except immediate family so that helps because I am embarrassed.

He has rededicated his life to God and I can account for his whereabouts. I just hate this feeling of second guessing why he is here. He doesn't know I feel like this. But I feel second best. He says he could have this OW anytime he wants and chose our family. He says he respects me and knows he made some horrible mistakes.

I am just trying to make it through the days. She hasn't tried to contact him so I am hopeful she has moved on with someone else. But even if she did, how sure can I be that he doesn't have secret feelings for her? How sure are any of us?

We present a happy couple to the world but come home and know all of the issues we had. I want her to know he came home to ME. I never saw a NC letter or anything but have been watching him like a hawk....pretty sure about NC.

Question for everyone, FB and other online sites is where he mets his "targets". Would you allow your spouse to continue to have a FB/social media pages under these circumstances? His page is private and he posts stuff but no profile pics of us or our daughter lately. It's been over two years since he put any picture of us up. Not even for the New Year. Should I take that as a sign or reading too much into it?

Please help me with these questions. I know everyone thinks I should leave but I am giving this 100% of my time and effort to give my marriage another try. Thanks for listening and any advice to help me is great.


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## Tryingtobreath (Jan 2, 2013)

I believe this man has an emotional problem. He's just not going to stop cheating. It's happened many times that you know about... probably more that you don't.

He is a master of lying too I would bet.

I don't recall reading it, but is he in counseling? He needs a psyciatrist. 

My guess is there are underlying issues in HIM. This doesn't have to do with you Asia. Remember that. YOU are good enough. HE is not.

I know you are attached etc and in love and want to fight, but you're wasting your time. 

And I also firmly believe that having passwords etc to FB won't prove anything. He'll just be more deceptive.


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## Tryingtobreath (Jan 2, 2013)

asia said:


> One more thing I forgot to ask.
> 
> Three physical affairs (one right before we got married *so that doesn't really count*) .



Like hell it doesn't!

AND if you really think it doesn't count, then at least it's a HUGE red flag.


It counts though. You were engaged.


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

I really appreciate all of the good advice and hopes for me to get out of this marriage. I am just willingly to try another time. There are alot of people on this site with serial cheaters and they get their questions answered. I just want mine answered too. 

Should I allow him to have a FB account again, even though I have the passwords?

Should I be concerned he has secret feelings for his previous OW although he initiated NC and has maintained it? How do I stop feeling second best even though he is home with his family? She is a pretty woman and smaller than I am with a nice figure. I can't stand the fact that this is the case. I wish like some other people here on the site that I was the prettier one and could say how could he downgrade but I can't. That sucks. 

Please someone answer these for me. Again I don't want to act like I am not listening to you, I am. I just want to try one more time. I am working on forgiveness everyday. Some days are better than others but as long as he is home and I know what it feels like to be left, I don't want that feeling again. I love my husband.


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## Tryingtobreath (Jan 2, 2013)

If you're going to stick around and try again:

--the fact she may be hotter or better looking than you is in your head. Forget about it. For me, I love when a girl is hygenically clean. Brush/floss. Twice a day and before bed. 
Hit up the gym to loose a few pounds AND make yourself feel better. Watch what you eat. 

But really, don't worry so much about the physical aspects of it. Perhaps liven up the bedroom a little? Hit up some vicky secret's and get some new stuff.. and don't just get your standard panties, etc. Get some see thru stuff. I love a no pad, see thru bra. But every guy is different.

Try not to think so much about you not being good enough. Cause you are. Focus on that. And I'm not feeding you bs either. Remember, she picked YOU in the beginning, right? Remember that.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Question: Is there a reason he needs a FB account? Why?

If you're trying to R, why not have a joint FB account?

I get that you love your husband - but what is HE doing to help the R?

That is really the key. You can't R if only one side is working on it. I know this from experience.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

asia said:


> Thanks for all of the replies and advice. I am going to get it another chance but worried about the questions I posed. I will put them here again for reference. "If your spouse moves out and they admit to you they had someone else but they broke up. If you work it out, how soon should you let them back home? Is 4 months too soon? Are you always worried they will leave you again and if not, how long did it take to stop worrying about it?"
> 
> I know we have a long way to go but have a daughter that has emotional problems when he is not around. She acts out and needs us both. I honestly think that is why he is still here, due to her needs and family pressures. Its hard for me to come to terms with everything he has done but he is trying to be a better husband and Christ-like. We even took posed pictures as a family.
> 
> ...


4 months won't fix him. It's actually be proven at Oxford University that Serial Cheaters stop cheating if you make them wait 19 weeks, so you have to go 4-1/2 months minimum. The study also found that at 5 months, the cheating tendencies return.

So that 19-21 weeks will be good for your marriage. After the 21 weeks though, he'll cheat again. But then kick him out and wait another 19 weeks, then you can have 2 enjoyable loyal weeks from your husband. If my math is right, you can expect 6 weeks per year of loyal love from your husband.


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> 4 months won't fix him. It's actually be proven at Oxford University that Serial Cheaters stop cheating if you make them wait 19 weeks, so you have to go 4-1/2 months minimum. The study also found that at 5 months, the cheating tendencies return.
> 
> So that 19-21 weeks will be good for your marriage. After the 21 weeks though, he'll cheat again. But then kick him out and wait another 19 weeks, then you can have 2 enjoyable loyal weeks from your husband. If my math is right, you can expect 6 weeks per year of loyal love from your husband.


Ok I have to admit, that is pretty funny!!!


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

Cedarman said:


> Question: Is there a reason he needs a FB account? Why?
> 
> If you're trying to R, why not have a joint FB account?
> 
> ...


Well I guess there is no reason to have an account but I have one. Never thought about a joint account before. Is it a problem that his profile pic doesn't include his family or us? Am I making too much out of that?


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

Also and this is a general question for all BS's. When your spouse went NC, even if it was their idea, do you ever wonder if they feel they "can't" have the AP back, even if they say they can?

Like, they act like it was all them and maybe it was but truly in their heart think the AP would not have them back and returned to the marriage? Just curious if others think this way or should I start another thread with this question?


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Dear asia,

Let me try to answer some of your questions:



asia said:


> *If your spouse moves out and they admit to you they had someone else but they broke up. If you work it out, how soon should you let them back home? Is 4 months too soon? Are you always worried they will leave you again and if not, how long did it take to stop worrying about it?* *[There is no simple answer to your question of "how soon." You might be comfortable with your WS moving in right away or you might want to wait several months or even longer to see if he is serious about reconciling. You should do what makes you feel comfortable, not what he or anyone else wants you to do. As to how long is will take for you to "stop worrying," sadly, the answer is a very long time, maybe years and maybe forever. But as time goes by, if your WS does what he should to do to help rebuild your marriage, you will worry less.*





asia said:


> I'm worried that he will leave us again. *How can I get over that or stop it from happening again?* * [There is no way you can prevent him from cheating on you again if he wants to. You have to decide if you believe that he really wants to have a monogamous relationship with you and if he is capable of being faithful. At the very least, you should monitor his communications and travels very closely so that you can learn if he is doing anything that he shouldn't. But, even then, there is no guarantee that he won't cheat again.]*





asia said:


> *I guess I am asking how long does it take to work it out from when you find out?* *[It takes years to rebuild a marriage that has suffered as much damage as yours. Maybe it can be saved and maybe it can't. It depends mostly on whether your WS really wants to be married to you and if he is willing to do the hard work to make up with you. All you can do is try and, if you ever think it isn't going to work, end it.]*
> 
> ...
> 
> Now that they are over and we are back together, I live in complete terror that she will come back. *If he left me for her before, how do I know he doesn't still have feelings for her?* *[He probably does have feelings for her and it will likely take him a long time to get over them.]*





asia said:


> He ... took family pictures and went on vacation as a family. Our families support us being together and he knows they would be upset if he left again. Although my family doesn't really like him, they still support me. The family pictures is a new start for us and I don't think he would take them if he wasn't serious. *Do WS normally do those kinds of things if they are still wanting to leave or with other women?* *[It is impossible to say how serious your WS is about wanting to reconcile with you. Certainly, his going on a family vacation and taking pictures is not a bad thing, but you shouldn't read much into it regarding his intentions. Only time will tell if he is sincere or not.]* It is embarrassing so I don't tell anyone outside of my mom and dad and his mom and dad what is going on. *It is hard to stay sane some days and other days I can't live without him.* *[This is a very normal reaction to what you have gone through and you can expect these conflicting feelings to last for quite a while, maybe even for years.]*
> 
> ... *Also, slightly off topic, do WS keep reminders of their AP's or do they get rid of everything? Do they forget that the AP got them certain things and keep them because the BS does know the origin?* He has some shoes that I didn't buy and it was during that time period..... *[It is very unlikely that your WS forgot where these things came from. WS's often want to keep reminders of the OW, but they should not do this because it reinforces feelings that they need to overcome. You should insist that your WS get rid of everything he got from the OW and anything else of his that reminds you of what he did.]*





asia said:


> Now that they are over and we are back together, I live in complete terror that she will come back. *If he left me for her before, how do I know he doesn't still have feelings for her?* *[As previously stated, you should assume that he does still have feelings for the OW. It will take time for him to get over these. It is up to you to decide if you are willing to give him a chance to do this and if you believe he is sincere about wanting to reconcile with you.]*


Let me add that I agree with many of the other posters that it does not appear that your WS is doing everything he should to prove that he wants to rebuild his marriage with you. That said, it is your decision whether to give him another chance or not.

As a Christian, you can pray for wisdom and strength and rely on the fact that God will never abandon you or make you suffer more than you can bear.

God bless you.


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## Media_girl24 (Aug 19, 2012)

Asia, I feel so badly for you. I understand wanting to do the right thing in the eyes of God. But the people who are counseling you here on this forum have walked in your shoes. They are trying to spare you more pain and more hurt.

If there is one thing you insist on in order to remain with your H, please have it be that he pursues counseling to come to terms with why he felt the need to cheat. Chances are that it has to do with his own self-esteem. Cheaters usually cheat because it makes them feel good about themselves. My ex-husband has even admitted this to me in a moment of weakness. 

Looking within to determine why cheating is necessary for him is the ONLY way you can keep this behavior from repeating itself. And even that is a long shot. He has to completely engage in that self-discovery, and its hard work. Most men who are too weak to remain faithful are also too weak to do this type of work on themselves.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

As for the FB account with no family pictures he is still trying to put himself out there as single. So yes that is a big flag. If you have access to his account you should either close his account or post pictures of your family on his account.

After my wife had an affair and went cold turkey from it she shut down her FB for 3-6 months. After starting it back up unfriended everyone that knew OM. This help close out his friends keeping tabs on her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

asia said:


> Well I guess there is no reason to have an account but I have one. Never thought about a joint account before. Is it a problem that his profile pic doesn't include his family or us? Am I making too much out of that?


Have you read the book "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harley? I think it would help you.

One of the things that the book suggests is that the WS has a pictures of their spouse and children in their wallet, on their desk... I think that extends to as a screen saver on their cell, their computer, and so forth.

So yes he should have a family photo as his profile pic.

the point is that he has to be constantly reminded that he's married, has a family and why he has to keep his pants zipped up.

In your case I really like the joint account idea


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

asia said:


> Also and this is a general question for all BS's. When your spouse went NC, even if it was their idea, do you ever wonder if they feel they "can't" have the AP back, even if they say they can?
> 
> Like, they act like it was all them and maybe it was but truly in their heart think the AP would not have them back and returned to the marriage? Just curious if others think this way or should I start another thread with this question?


Should I start a new thread for these questions?


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Asia, you shouldn't start a new thread, you should start a new life and new marriage and drop this bum out of your life once and for all. You give him no consequences therefore he has no reason to stop. You have allowed yourself to be a doormat, and he wipes his feet on you and your children whenever he feels like it.

Sorry but for heaven's sake WAKE UP !!


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## jmb123 (Nov 9, 2012)

And I think you need to work on yourself.You seem to have little or no respect for yourself ; why else would you bother to think whether or not you are prettier than some cheating dirty vamp;Love yourself first;
I seriously feel, you think you will not find another person or that it is expected for men to cheat and remain without consequence ,like your husband;

All the questions you ask here should have been sorted out immediately with a little courage on your part.ask him to shut his FB down;Ask him why the family photo aint there on FB;Ask him if he still feels ofr the OW then just to get lost;Also tell him to stop bragging about his 'STUPID CHEATING ASS that he can go back to the other woman if he wants and HE is now A GOD to want you and family again';He is spineless and thinks that you have no spine to care for yourself;Once you take stand for yourself ,he will automatically do all things right;
And by taking stand for yourself I do not mean you have to leave him but just start living for yourself;We are all beautifu beings,none is superior or inferior;These are just mind-sets or beliefs that has been fed by society which feeds in our minds a world of comaprisons and complexes.

Take care.For your child ,atleast do not ccept cheating and do not lead and unhealthy doubtful life;Be free and child like again;What have you got to lose;


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

ow, it's painful to read this thread. First affair, well perhaps it really was just a mistake, really bad decision but in the face of some difficult circumstances... second one, well he is the common denominator can't blame circumstance... third one, clear pattern, most betrayed breathe a sigh of relief at this one because they see perfectly clear what the future holds so they don't have to struggle with indecision.

Forgiveness is good, reconciliation is a completely different thing, forgiveness is for you, but no one, least of all God, wants you to suffer from this man's lack of will to remain faithful to a wife.

but like Tony wrote on the first page, if you both want the marriage still and you think you've worked it out, the time is now, you won't be able to work on the marriage if you are separated. (oh and also regarding Tony's post there is a lot more than just worrying about spouses leaving us again that would cause us to not choose reconciliation, especially if it's simply a matter of forgiving and allowing them back in)


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

I know how I look. I know this path is probably more pain but I love him and want my daughter in a two parent home with loving parents. Please, I understand what you guys are saying but I am willingly to try this again. 

I think any BS would wonder if the WS is really there for them and no other reason. He says he wants to be here for me and not only for our daughter. I wonder if he believes he can't have his last OW back and settled with us because of family and financial pressure....I am just being honest here. I know if he isn't with us, it would be harder for him to work on our relationship. He is trying. I can't really talk about this with anyone. My family doesn't believe in divorce but they hate him, his family likes me.

Seriously, no one here ever wondered that? What makes you believe that if they were able to deceive us for so long?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

If he is a terrific room-mate, does more than his share, is not too obnoxious to be around, since you both seem so opposed to divorce but you know that fidelity is basically an impossibility, why not just put up the facade, have a sham marriage and open it up so you each can get your sex on the side? Because if you want monogamy from him you are setting yourself up for disappointment, so choose your sins. Many people claim to have had lasting, and even happy arrangements like this, the habitation partnership is strong but each partner discreetly, or not-so-discreetly gets their intimacy needs met on the side, or perhaps if that is immoral to you, you just permit him to and hope whatever crumbs come your way are enough to meet your own intimacy needs, maybe it's not even crumbs, maybe you get an entire half of the slice of toast!

If this sounds condescending, its only because most people realize that such a relationship would not work at all, but there is nothing wrong with thinking outside the box, it really is up to you to define your own boundaries, but what we are all telling you is that he will never be completely faithful, so if you choose to make it work out then find a way to personally cope with it, just don't expect to ever be able to change a serial cheater.

Also, if it were me I'd have a moral duty to shield my own children from such a sham lifestyle, but eventually your kids will grow up and come to understand and judge your choices in life, so it's a matter of which set of morals that you want to raise your kids in more closely matches your own.


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

Lon,

That's what I am trying to do...figure out a way to personally cope with this. I am going to make this post my personal journal. I have decided to work it out but I have to be honest. I am merely existing these days.

I know they are not in contact but I want her to know we are back together. These are the things that I can't stand, he was in love with her, he left me, and although he is back I'm not sure I believe his reasons. I am willingly to try again, whatever his reasons are but it seems bugs me. Even if he is here for ME and ME only, I know our daughter plays a large part of it. Also, I have a feeling he can't go back to his OW. He says she is not the type to plead for him or ask him to take her back. I'm not sure how to feel about this. He says he doesn't want her but he may have just fvcked up so much she won't tolerate it. That makes me feel like crap and good at the same time. I know she isn't sniffing around because "she is so whatever" and I am relieved. But what if she was the type, would he go back? What if he wants to and just know he will get denied?

I can't focus on her if I want this to work so I will express all of my feelings here.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

IMO, this isnt about this OW at all, it's all about your H's completely innappropriate behavior, his unwillingness to actually change it, and your apparent unlimited tolerance. If you hinge this all on whether your H picks you over this OW, you will just do it again when the next OW. There will always be OW and what you haven't figured out is that your H doesn't need to pick and choose, because he is able to get what he needs from the OW long enough to suit him and still keep you - he is getting to have to eat his cake (affairs with OW) and have it too (you keeping the marital bed warm for him).

Decide what exactly you need to cope with before you try to cope, because monogamy is off the table, so stop trying to cope with keeping a monogamous marriage in tact - unless your H actually chooses to remain faithful (and why would he, he has no respect for marital boundaries) the only two solutions that result in you eventually successfully putting this sufferring behind you are 1) cope with having a facade marriage where you don't expect any loyalty from each other except in keeping your family under one roof or 2) cope with divorce.


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

Lon, I just looked you up and I see you have a millions posts so I know you are speaking from a place of experience and honest.....not just trying to beat me up. Thanks.

For me, it is about her. My husband is home and doing everything right. Him not putting up pictures of me and him/family piss me off but other than that, he is accounting for his whereabouts and actions. So I can't say he isn't doing anything.

But I would really need to come to terms with him leaving on his own. He actually left me. If I am doing everything I can to keep the marriage and he can leave me after everything we have been through and I forgave, it's really hard not to think she can come back in his life and he leave me again.

I gotta run, will finish my thoughts in a minute.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

What are you going to do about the next woman that comes along?

Whether is 4 days or 4 months in the long run it doesn’t matter, he’s not going to change. 

You are an enabler and basically condoning his affairs because he knows you will never leave him thus he is not motivated to stop. He WILL continue to cheat on you for as long as you are with him, that’s just how serial cheaters work. Nothing stops them other than a D.

The OW is irrelevant; she is just number and won’t be the last. You need to work on being self-sufficient and not so co-dependent on him. He doesn’t love or respect you so why waste time with someone that basically sees you as a maid?


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

For my husband to ask me for divorce, then months later actually walk out the door is something on my mind EVERY SINGLE DAY. He never once mentioned leaving me before. He says those other women were just sex but obviously this one meant enough to him to ask for divorce. HE ASKED FOR DIVORCE!! He is home with his family where he should be and I am praying to get through this trial. We are both Christians and I'm not giving up on my marriage.

I look at this different because of his falling in love with someone else.....she wasn't just for sex. He swears up and down he will never do this to me again and I want to believe him. Can you guys see why this is so hard?????


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Yes, deep down you have some self respect, but you are shoving it down to honor your version of religion which tells you to stay with your disrespectful bad joke of a husband. I hope your self respect wins out in the end.


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

SadandAngry, you are right. I do have self respect and do not like this at all. I don't want anyone to know my marriage has been a total failure for the entire time we've been married. With the exception of our little girl. Infidelity makes you question if you ever really had a marriage at all.

When I read other's posts, I can see very clearly what they "should" do and find myself thinking I should do the same. But I still love him and its not fair to our child.

I have to learn to deal with his cheating, even if he says he isn't. I don't have what it takes to break those vows and go. Also, OW would win. She can't win or have my husband.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

asia said:


> For my husband to ask me for divorce, then months later actually walk out the door is something on my mind EVERY SINGLE DAY. He never once mentioned leaving me before. He says those other women were just sex but obviously this one meant enough to him to ask for divorce. HE ASKED FOR DIVORCE!! He is home with his family where he should be and I am praying to get through this trial. We are both Christians and I'm not giving up on my marriage.
> 
> I look at this different because of his falling in love with someone else.....she wasn't just for sex. He swears up and down he will never do this to me again and I want to believe him. Can you guys see why this is so hard?????


Yes it is hard, and I have a lot of sympathy for you. I never had to deal with a spouse that wanted to come back though, I agree that would make it difficult to see your options. My experience is different than yours is, however some things I learned are applicable to your case:

-you can't change anyone else, no matter what you do or don't do to try to get your spouse back won't affect the kind of person they are and the thought process they used to find themselves in an affair

-people can change themselves when faced with real consequences and when they have awareness of how their actions affect the people they love and their own circumstance

-marriage takes two willing and dedicated partners, and if trust is destroyed it requires genuine remorse and forgiveness to rebuild

If your H truly is remorseful, and you can truly forgive, then you have a chance to fix your relationship and rebuild your marriage... but seriously give it a good amount of time reading up about remorse and forgiveness before determining what you want to do with your broken marriage.


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