# Marriage...what's the point anyway??



## KayEffe (Jun 2, 2012)

All my life I've never been one of those girls who, growing up, fantasized about finding prince charming and their wedding day. As far back as I can recall, I've never really cared much for getting married: if it happens, it happens, but I won't go into any relationship expecting to get a ring - I would happily cohabit with the right person indefinitely without the pressures of marriage.

As I grew up and became more aware of romantic relationships and the inevitable issues that crop up over time, I started developing a fear of marriage, which has gotten much worse as of late. I've only been on this site for a day and I've already come across so many stories of infidelity, abuse, resentment towards one's spouse, selfishness, hurt, divorce, etc, that I find myself wondering "what's the point?" Is it really that bad? Or do I need to look around a bit more to start seeing the positive stories? And is it safe to assume that the majority of marriages these days are doomed from the start as a result of people's different expectations going into the marriage?

For those who've had long-term success in their marriages, what's the secret? How do you make it work?? I'm not expecting anyone to change my mind about marriage (as it stands, I still don't plan on ever getting married, complications or no complications - it's probably just not for me), I would just like to understand why there's so much negativity about marriage, something that's presumably sacred?

Kay :scratchhead:


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

KayEffe said:


> "what's the point?" Is it really that bad?


It can really be that bad. I'm on my second marriage which I thought would be the perfect one. No infedelity but my wife plays such heavy games with my mind I would almost rather be single.

I can never tell what she wants, she always says "Idon't know, I'm not sure, I don't know how I feel" It is torture. I won't do this again. I'm 5 minutes away from saying "fVck it, I'm done". I envy those of you with the great sex life and a spouse who actually tries.


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## KayEffe (Jun 2, 2012)

Paulination said:


> It can really be that bad. I'm on my second marriage which I thought would be the perfect one. No infedelity but my wife plays such heavy games with my mind I would almost rather be single.
> 
> I can never tell what she wants, she always says "Idon't know, I'm not sure, I don't know how I feel" It is torture. I won't do this again. I'm 5 minutes away from saying "fVck it, I'm done". I envy those of you with the great sex life and a spouse who actually tries.


So sorry that you're going through marital problems...again. Have you tried talking to her and figuring out if you guys can work things out? I'm definitely not a relationship expert in any sense of the word, but I guess you guys could try therapy or working things out on your own before throwing in the towel... Or is it unfixable at this point?


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## humanbecoming (Mar 14, 2012)

We all get on here due to issues... But there are wonderful examples here as well if you look around some... Long faithful relationships, fantastic sex, true spiritual connections... 

If you go into a bar, you are going run into more drunks.... A casino, more gambling addicts.... A marriage help forum, more people with marital problems.

As far as the why of marriage, that is for each person to determine themselves. Legal protection, spiritual requirement, or just maybe an absolute statement in faith, before the world, of commitment.

It sure ain't always easy, but when you put two people in close proximity, it never is. It's about give and take, and commitment above all else. so often we as people forget that in our selfish desires, and that's where the stories you read so much of on here come from.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

My wife and I have been married 35 years. She is my life. We have had our challenges. Marriage takes work. It just has to be a labor of love. 

As far as seeing many threads on things that go wrong, well knowing 1001 ways to not do something has great value. You can see the pitfalls. You can also see the changes that many folks on here have made for the better. 

Marriage is what you make it.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Kay, of course you will see posters here with marriage problems, we come here for incite as to solve them. That said, no one is perfect, and it only makes sense that we look to better our relationships. That should encourage you, not scare you off. One should always work at making one's relationship better. We reap the rewards for what we put into the relationships. Yes, I do say that we are not all compatible and some individuals have problems that need working out before they attempt to live with someone. You know the cliche, 'Nothing ventured, nothing gained', well it's true. 
My wife and I are married 37 years, together for 40. Not always wonderful bliss, but still very much in love. And we still enjoy making it better every day. Good luck in your search.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

KayEffe said:


> All my life I've never been one of those girls who, growing up, fantasized about finding prince charming and their wedding day. As far back as I can recall, I've never really cared much for getting married: if it happens, it happens, but I won't go into any relationship expecting to get a ring - I would happily cohabit with the right person indefinitely without the pressures of marriage.


 I am an example of the complete & utter opposite of you... my LUST for Prince Charming was always there in my soul......I had girlfriends growing up & it was Fun & all.... but ultimately my dreams were to be a happy WIFE & Mother, living in the country & being barefoot & pregnant....loved romances since I was probably 10 yrs old. 

I wanted the whole big family thing too...taking trips to Disney, camping, and all that mushy gushy togetherness you have with a mate...someone who comes home to you every day, cuddles up & watches movies twirling your hair, kissing you before he leaves for work with an "I love you" on his lips... a ready shoulder to cry on when I am feeling down, someone to take walks on a country trail, sit on the swing & just talk hrs into the night, watch a moonlight together....and SEX....is anything else more pleasurable in life! If you don't have one specific lover to share this with... it means rubber might be your best friend or a variety of partners, I would only view this as "empty" somehow. 

I met my husband very young, I even got on my knees and prayed for a good guy to come into my life. He suddendly appeared ... we became inseparable Best friends...even before our 1st kiss... been that way ever since....30 yrs together, 22 married. 

I didn't come here because my marraige was in shambles, I came here because I had a Sex drive increase overload & I wanted to find out how to get my husband more aggressive in bed. A good sex forum is what I was looking for -to talk about all of this. 

Through this experience, I lost all of my sexual inhibitions and it's been a really FUN ride in our lives... it's always been GOOD, but it has gotten even better in our 40's ...after we had all the kids. Crazy story we have. 

I have many posts on here splatterd about how I love being Married. I married well. He has his faults like we all do... we are utter opposites in some things...he has been too passive in our past....I have a temper.. but we still love each other dearly ....and we've worked out where we have been missing it....

I count marrying my husband as one of the BEST things I have ever done in this life....the gateway to every good thing I have been blessed with. I shudder to even think where I might be -without him. 

Here is a nice thread celebrating the JOYS of being married... >>> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...44008-how-we-make-our-marriage-wonderful.html


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## seesah (Apr 26, 2012)

Most people are only going to ask advice when they're having problems so on a marriage forum you're going to find a lot of negative. However, I have found some really fun and uplifting posts here that really make me take a second look at all of the good of my marriage.

I've only been married since last July and we do have our problems but knowing that I get to spend the rest of my life with this man is worth it for me. I get to watch him sleep , cuddle with him on demand (most of the time), most importantly I get to see my best friend every day. 

Honestly, if I were you I would try and get out of the "prince charming fairytale" fantasy because it will only end up in misery. The expectations for that kind of relationship are way too high and unrealistic. Believe me, I've been there and I still struggle with it. In that fantasy neither person has to work at the relationship because it was "meant to be" or "fate". Marriages take work from both sides.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

The great thing about modern society is that you don't have to get married (at least in western countries) unless you want to. So if you don't want to get married, don't. 

I'm not going to convince you that marriage is great. 

I know my marriage is great. However, it didn't come easily or without effort. A good marriage is work and both people have to agree to work on the committment. I wrote more about my marriage over here. 

You can't believe that marriage is all bad by reading posts here. People come to sites like this to get help.|

What do I consider necessary for long term marriage success?

See my post here. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/542656-post2.html


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

:iagree:

If you don't want to get married, don't. It's that easy.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

I never thought I'd get married, never wanted to. Never thought I'd love anyone, either. It always sounded like imprisonment. Then, I fell in love. My ideas of marriage changed. I wanted a life with him and I cherished him above all else. We were together for a long time. We married. I was very happy. I discovered a bunch of his secrets and betrayals and became a lot less happy. Our relationship crashed and burned. I will not get married again. Long term monogamous relationship -- sure. With cohabitation -- maybe. Marriage -- nope, never again. I never want to be that close to anyone ever again.

Some people are cut out for marriage. Some people are not. If you believe in it, then you can probably make it work. If you don't, then figure out what about it you resist. Marriage is whatever you and your partner choose to make of it, honestly.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Entropy said it all: Marriage takes work.

Communication. About everything. Sex, money, sex, money, sex, life, ideas, dreams. Everything. Sex too.

But I think BEFORE marriage, the dating is important. COMMUNICATE. Talk about the hard stuff BEFORE marriage. Talk about sex and money until there's nothing left to the unknown.


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## KayEffe (Jun 2, 2012)

Thank you all for your insights!!

Come to think of it, I guess my question wasn't just about marriage but relationships in general. I just don't get why relationships are always so complicated! Even when we try and make a conscious effort to keep things simple, to have a mess-free, relaxing, no fuss relationship, something always crops up. But like someone said, it's the price to pay for love, and I guess they're right.

Thanks again for your inputs


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Marriage is like gambling.

Some days you'll walk away from the table flush with cash and other days you'll walk away and be completely broke.

If over time the broke days outweigh the up days, you need to either change your luck through counseling or know when to fold them


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

KayEffe said:


> Thank you all for your insights!!
> 
> Come to think of it, I guess my question wasn't just about marriage but relationships in general. I just don't get why relationships are always so complicated! Even when we try and make a conscious effort to keep things simple, to have a mess-free, relaxing, no fuss relationship, something always crops up. But like someone said, it's the price to pay for love, and I guess they're right.


My answer... People are inherently SELFISH, we simply want what we want , we know what makes us tick and why apologize for it (I am no different) ... so the answer is...to find someone who is compatible with the same selfish desires & wants we have ! And of course physical attraction can never be underestimated in this equation. ANd our partners should be able to make us laugh !! 

Chemistry and Compatibity -- a must. 

If it is like going against the wind at every turn.... let it die, move on. Of course if you are very immature and not willing to give a little for some of the differences... care about another, do things with them to please them too - some give & take on both sides becasue we care to pleaese our partners.....best to stay single. 

For instance...me & my husband are both the "Hopeless Romantic" type... (I do not believe I could be married to a man who wasn't like myself in this)...we both love watching romantic movies together, we are mushy / gushy / very affectionate / touchy feely & we love it ! 

I know this helps keep our "fairy tale" alive.

We have always wanted the same things in life....togetherness - kids, plus we look upon finances the same, we are both Home bodys... we agree on how to raise chidlren, we both love the country, we talk about everything under the sun, we refuse to go to bed angry, we both love sex, we have the same love languages in the same order, although our temperments are very different, we have taken the time to understand each other. 

Couples will never agree on everything...and bumps in the road will come... but the more you have in common, the more you enjoy together.... the smoother the ride will be. Me & mine can near finish each others sentences. 

For instance....

1. A Partier & a Homebody will clash... one might feel the other is never satisfied with the little things, and the other might find their partner boring. 

2. a Workaholic who marries a woman who has "TIME" at the top of her love languages may grow to feel neglected & lonely...he may want to satisfy her with flowers - she may not care about flowers. So important to learn what makes the other Purrrr. 

3. a thrifty Saver who marries a frivolous spender will have endless fights & possibly bill collectors calling the house...this is very stressful.

4. Those who don't agree on Transparency, one may feel the other is hiding something. Agreeing on appropriate boundaries in a marriae is also HUGE. 

5. A messy who marries a clean Freak--- OH boy! 

6. A Low Driver married to a High Driver ... God help them both....one feels sex is a chore while the others feels wholly loved. Resentment sets in on both sides. 

....Just to name a few issues that - it is best to be matched with what you are. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ility-b4-vows-beyond-marital-harmony-joy.html


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

KayEffe said:


> I'm not expecting anyone to change my mind about marriage (as it stands, I still don't plan on ever getting married, complications or no complications - it's probably just not for me), I would just like to understand why there's so much negativity about marriage, something that's presumably sacred?


Our greater society has an strong anti-marriage undercurrent. Women are targets of a massive number of anti-marriage messages. Men don't even seem to need that kind of help to act like boys their entire lives.


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## lovinmyhubby223 (Jan 31, 2012)

First let me reiterate what some have already said; this is a marriage forum, most folks here are looking for help or advice with a problem so those are generally the types of stories you’re going to hear from TAMers. Now if this were a forum for singing the praises of marriage and you were hearing the types of issues that you get here then I’d be worried. However I can see where your reluctance to marriage can come from. Why would anyone knowingly and with forethought want to put themselves in a situation that statistics say is likely to fail. Well, it took me a while to figure that out myself. 

I was a lot like you when growing up. I didn’t see the appeal of tying one’s self down to one person. While all my friends were getting married and spitting out babies I was saying “why” and even now I read the stories here and wonder why but I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not marriage that fails its people that fail. Too often people get married for the wrong reasons or they get married without really knowing each other or their too young to understand the sanctity of marriage. I was 36 when I got married and I did so because after a lot of dating I found someone who was my friend first, someone who I liked as a person and with whom I had a lot in common. We were together for 11 years before we got married and yes we had our issues but we managed to grow together and work out those issues and I could see this was the first guy who was willing to work and solve our problems and we were on the same page about every aspect of our lives. I’m not saying those are the reasons we got married because to be honest those weren’t. We got married to simplify things. I didn’t marry him to keep him under my thumb for fear of losing him or because of promises he’d made me or because I thought being married would fix all of our problems, we got married to have the same last name, file joint taxes, so I could be listed on his insurance, all of the things you think about when you get older, things you do like wills and life insurance to assure the one you love is taken care of in the event something happen to you. So I can’t say it was pure love that put the ring on our fingers because even without the rings we’d still be together. People say that marriage is a commitment , that it’s the step that really says they love you and will never leave, well I don’t believe that’s true because people today live such disposable lives that a commitment of marriage, to them, is no different than a commitment to date exclusively. It’s so easy for them to get out of either situation so it means nothing. Plus I knew if I did get married it would be for life. 

Too many people don’t think the whole thing through. They don’t look past the marriage and realize the impact of divorce. If they did I think people would make wiser choices about getting married.


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## KayEffe (Jun 2, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> My answer... People are inherently SELFISH, we simply want what we want , we know what makes us tick and why apologize for it (I am no different) ... so the answer is...to find someone who is compatible with the same selfish desires & wants we have ! And of course physical attraction can never be underestimated in this equation. ANd our partners should be able to make us laugh !!
> 
> Chemistry and Compatibity -- a must.


I could not agree more!!



SimplyAmorous said:


> 4. Those who don't agree on Transparency, one may feel the other is hiding something. Agreeing on appropriate boundaries in a marriae is also HUGE.


This is my main issue with my current relationship. My boyfriend and I get along really well. We're both huge joksters/have a similar sense of humor and make each other laugh a lot; we're both goal-oriented and have big career dreams; we love reading; we're on the same level intelligence-wise and have in-depth conversations about a variety of topics; we love traveling; etc - I could go on endlessly, but I'll spare you a long list.

All in all, we're just very compatible. In addition, we're both very private, low-key people (neither of us likes being the center of attention, unless it's to each other in the realm of our relationship; we don't feel the need to go around announcing to everyone that we're together; we don't overshare with others, unless it's with our respective best friends; etc.) _However_, and correct me if I'm wrong, I feel that there is absolutely no place for secrecy in a committed relationship and at times I can't help but feel that he's not sharing everything about himself and his daily life with me (even though we talk about pretty much everything under the sun) which inevitably gives rise to suspicion even if he's not actually doing anything wrong. This is exacerbated by the fact that we are in a long distance relationship and haven't seen each other in about a month. I fully respect his privacy and give him his space just as he does for me, but I hate that I often feel like he's holding something back from me. I know this is a bit off-topic from the original purpose of this thread, but I'd just like a few opinions on how to go about talking to him about this and letting him know that it bugs me without coming off as pushy and/or naggy.

Thanks in advance


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Marriage is cool if you meet the right person

I rationalized marriage in a different way. First I pondered life and its meaning I than studied science it was one of my majors in college and got heavily involved in science, philosophy and psychology while also living social life. From there I proved a god a creator an architect of some sort exists than I furthmore eventually proved it was a deity a 1 god involved in human affairs and than came down to the christian god making the most logical sense. Than I got involved slowly but surely into christianity and because of that marriage makes perfect sense to me. 

That's my reason why 

For everyone else marriage means different things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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