# All my fault- I sexted :(



## Sk0625 (Nov 29, 2012)

I'm new here, but came searching for a place to belong, and talk, I guess.
The last thing I wanted to happen just happened... instead of me being able to somehow tell my husband that I sexted someone a couple months ago, he found out on his own. Including the picture of other guy's junk.... not OK. Naturally he is devastated and I am completely lost. I know that I was wrong. I know that I deserve to be hated. I just don't know how to fix it.
He said that I don't know how to behave when I drink, and therefore he knew one day that I would do 'something'. I called a therapist to see if I could begin sorting myself out ASAP since I have never pulled the trigger on that, and she said that she'd rather see us together because my issues impact both of us and our marriage.
Also, I have no idea how to get him to believe me and trust that I had zero physical interaction with this guy...not that it matters, I guess. I just felt it important for him to know that, but of course... he doesn't believe me/ seem to care at the moment. He is so hurt and angry and I so desperately want to make it better. 
Not that our marriage was picture perfect, but I was supposed to grow old with him, have grandchildren.... I don't know how I let this happen (made this happen) and where to go from here.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

transparency will help for starters

give up all passwords, don't delete anything, let him snoop on your phone all he wants, be proactive in telling him where you are and what you are doing etc


also understand that it will take a long time for you to be able to regain his trust if he is willing to R

I suggest you click the newbie in my signature, in particular the 3rd post of the thread has things a former cheater can do to help their spouse heal


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## Sk0625 (Nov 29, 2012)

Thank you. I offered to give him all of my passwords and he said he didn't want to live like that... I'll read the post as you suggested. Appreciate it.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

A few thoughts to start:

Give him all your passwords to everything. Phone, e-mail, any form of communication.
Give him all photos exchanged, yours and the other man's.
Give him all communications between you and the other man.
Fully disclose the time line of your activity with the other man
If you deleted anything, tell your husband about it and what was on it.
If you were in recent contact with the other man, send him a no contact message, approved by your husband.
At the moment, a lot of honesty will go a long way.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Sk0625 said:


> Thank you. I offered to give him all of my passwords and he said he didn't want to live like that... I'll read the post as you suggested. Appreciate it.


Not a good sign....

He needs to get to counseling. When they don't care what you do anymore it's not a good thing. Disconnect to survive.

Just be there for him is all you can do right now.


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## Sk0625 (Nov 29, 2012)

I have tried reaching out to him a few times today to schedule a therapy session for us. He will not respond to me or answer my calls so I just scheduled it for myself. I'm mostly afraid that he will shut down and just shut me out.


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

why should he have to go to counseling when it was his wife who is in the wrong. I am on his side on this one.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

You can only give him honesty and let him know that you are going to counciling on your own. It sounds like he also has an issue with you drinking. I would limit that to times when he is with you. The disconnecting is a BS's way of protecting themselves from the hurt. You need to keep telling him that you love him and do any little things you can to prove it. Keep doing it even if he never says it back. You created this mess, now you have to clean it up.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I kind a disagree with yout IC in that you need to straighten out your own sh1t so that you can straighten ot the marriage.

Granted its a good idea to share the IC and turn her into a MC, but the issue is you and you looking and learning the tools to affair proof your marriage.

So sure bring H in but if the IC start to blame him for your infidelity then you got the wrong MC.

I personally believe your infidelity has everything to do with you so thats why I disagree with you shrink.

As far as helping your H I suggest calling him thru out the day and just keep it realy short and let him know you are think of him and if he is alright, then let him go. 

In my case my fWW would always call and it helped me. Even if it was just a few seconf convo, it really ment alot. I could always count on her call as she went into work, at break, at lunch and on her way home.


Another thing that sticks out in my mind is her huge degree of submission she has towards me. Back in the day...d-day that is she took alot of crap from me but kept on coming back...I'll give her that.


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

take it from a guy. just keep your mouth shut, let it die down....only discuss when HE is ready to....and be ready to beg and cry a lot.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

In addition I would talk to your IC with regards to the agenda she has for your H...I mean if she start going down the blame game with him, for your infidelity it will push your old man even further a away.

Again you choice to behave this way is all on you and the action you take for your self to have healthier behavior will reflect on your recommitment to the M....hopefully it works!


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## DedicatedDad (Nov 11, 2012)

He's pretty hurt and angry right now, *you have just dealt a devastating blow to his ego and his manhood*. All your attempts to get him to help you fix this are only pushing him further away.

Write him a letter, apologize, let him know you love him and only him, tell him you will do whatever it takes to fix this, let him know you are going to get help, tell him he is welcome to come but don't force him. 

It's going to take awhile to rebuild his self-esteem, *you let him down big time and right now he needs to be able to process all of this*, right now he is watching mind movies of the other man's junk and his emotions are on a roller coaster.

Go to your appointment, leave him a note, love him from a distance, don't push him, but let him know you're there and let him know when he's ready to talk you're ready to listen.
*He may never trust you again, but that is something you may just have to live with.
that's the price you pay for getting your freak on over the phone with another dude.*

*Also, whoever the owner of this junk is, you need to cut off all contact with him, delete him from your phone and never speak to him or text him again...this is non-negotiable!*

Good Luck


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Sk0625 said:


> I have tried reaching out to him a few times today to schedule a therapy session for us. He will not respond to me or answer my calls so I just scheduled it for myself. I'm mostly afraid that he will shut down and just shut me out.



He has already shut down. What you have to do now is hope he will open back up. You must provide an enviroment where this is possible. I know of a similar situation where the wife did exactly the right thing and it all worked out but she was smart enough to know her old man and play it the way he was able to work through it. In his case he needed to be able to talk about it when ever he wanted and vent those feelings whenever they were at critical mass. He still does a couple of decades later though it is more like having a converstation with her than venting but it still accomplishes the goal of venting pressure. She listens intently and never debates. That is what has held them together all these years even though he loves her more than life itself, he would never had been able to take it where she not so smart as to understand the damge done and how to handle it. That being said IC until he is ready for MC.


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## Sk0625 (Nov 29, 2012)

Thank you so much for all of your replies!

He did call me back to say that he would go with me. I've never been. She isn't my counselor, just someone my insurance recommended. I left her a VM this morning, told her what I'd done, and send her an email as well. She called me back and in the brief chat she said that she preferred to see us both if possible, because my issues impact both of us and not just me. I get that. But he's also a man, and what man wants to go to counseling? I get that too.... It's set for Monday at 6. She asked me how his agreeing to come made me feel... hopeful yes, and then like crying more.
I want to express to him how sorry I am, but words are meaningless to him. Now is a good example of why, I guess. Hard to get someone to have butterflies when they hear I love you from someone who's just betrayed them.
I'll offer any/all passwords to him and follow his lead. He was supposed to take the kids to the Polar Express with friends tomorrow (I was supposed to be on a girls trip that had been planned before we knew about the Polar Express ). I don't know if he's still planning to go or not. I don't want to punish the kids but I also feel like it's too soon to ask him.... anything really. I offered to pick up the kids from school today and he said he would do it. 

I just don't know how to act/ what to do to make his pain less... I realize it is not going to happen overnight and may not happen ever, but I can't just sit back and do nothing. (Yes, I know, I've done enough...)


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Marriage is based on trust and love, and you've broken both, and it doesn't matter if it wasn't physical. You gave another man physical pleasure that was meant for your H. You have betrayed him. It was selfish. It was entirely your fault.

I'm happy for you that you appear to realize the pain you have caused. What happens now is up to your BS, and on his time table. Answer every question he poses, don't be snarky. If drinking contributed, give it up (not just cut back). What's more important, a drink or your marriage. Hope you make it through.


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

Stonewall said:


> He has already shut down. What you have to do now is hope he will open back up. You must provide an enviroment where this is possible.


I agree with the folks saying that he is in shutdown/disconnect mode. 

My wife offers up all her info and tells me everywhere she goes (asking for permission), etc. At this point, I am saying the same thing as your husband - I don't want to live that way. I don't want to be with someone that I'm going to have to spend my energy worrying/snooping about fidelity.

My ego was crushed by the messages.

I don't want to do MC with her either. This is a bad sign, as my resolve is growing to go for a D instead of an R. 

Don't ask for feedback or praise for doing the right things. Just do them. Nothing is annoying me more than MY WIFE bringing all this stuff up and constantly trying to get a temperature check on me. 

Good luck.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

I hope you canceled the girl's trip.


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## Sk0625 (Nov 29, 2012)

Forgot to comment on the drinking part- he says when we are out together (bar/club scene), and I drink too much, I don't know how to act (boundaries drop, more talkative and flirtatious) and lose regard for him. I see his point and told him I would never drink again if that's what he wanted. 
But I see My 2nd Rodeo's point- and I feel like my H would be the same. Actions not words. And not in your face about my wherabouts and business. 
Maybe I'll just write my passwords down for him to keep them if he wants, and I'll offer to just go to IC if he'd rather do MC later... if he wants.


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## Sk0625 (Nov 29, 2012)

And yes, I turned around and promptly came home to save my marriage and not go on a stupid trip. Also, yes, I do not have contact or even method of contact for the other guy anymore. My last message to him was Saturday, it was a closure message to me, saying goodbye. My H saw everything today, and doesn't see my message as saying goodbye, but thinks I was still trying to reach out to him on Saturday. I had already planned that if it did warrant a response, my response would have been to apologize for my inappropriate behavior as a married woman... But I didn't get a response, so since I didn't lead off with that, my H thinks I was just Fishing. The sexting lasted about 2 weeks at the beginning of October. And meaningless, occasional conversation after. The other guy is not someone I would ever run into again. He is literally 9000 miles away. I just made the dumbest biggest mistake of my life.

Thank you again for all of your input. It is very helpful to hear things from different sides.


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

Sk0625 said:


> Forgot to comment on the drinking part- he says when we are out together (bar/club scene), and I drink too much, I don't know how to act (boundaries drop, more talkative and flirtatious) and lose regard for him. I see his point and told him I would never drink again if that's what he wanted.
> But I see My 2nd Rodeo's point- and I feel like my H would be the same. Actions not words. And not in your face about my wherabouts and business.
> Maybe I'll just write my passwords down for him to keep them if he wants, and I'll offer to just go to IC if he'd rather do MC later... if he wants.


Hey, don't tell him you'll never drink again. Wrong approach. Why? Because it's 1) not believable and 2) tells him this is just temporary/panic changes - not lasting. 

So watch the "nevers".

I was trying to really reflect on whether or not you should offer up your passwords. Here's what I think might be neutral to ok to great - write down all your passwords and put them in an manilla envelope. Write a note and leave it somewhere that's his space - IDK his desk, closet, car. The jist of the note (keep it short) "Here they are if ever you want them, I will not mention this again or ask you if you want them. Do what you will with these, I don't need to know. My life is an open book to you from now on."

I'm not him, so think on this - how HE would respond.

Good luck.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Sk0625,

There have been many cases on TAM of men who completely emotionally separated as soon as betrayal reared its ugly head. They just could not come back from the broken trust. It sounds like your husband may just be such a man. You need to be prepared that he may in fact be done with you and the marriage.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Sk0625 said:


> I had already planned that if it did warrant a response, my response would have been to apologize for my inappropriate behavior as a married woman...


As a husband I wouldn't want to see my wife apologizing to the OM....set up NC with your husband's awareness and approval and there should be no room for you to be expecting a response from OM.


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

bfree said:


> Sk0625,
> 
> There have been many cases on TAM of men who completely emotionally separated as soon as betrayal reared its ugly head. They just could not come back from the broken trust. It sounds like your husband may just be such a man. You need to be prepared that he may in fact be done with you and the marriage.


that would be me. I would not even tolerate it.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You might want to go on your own to a polygraph operator and get yourself polygraphed about bring faithful and not meeting up with any other men.

Then give it to him on Monday,


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

you're [email protected] right you _"just made the dumbest biggest mistake of my life."_


you need TOTAL transparency. this means a timeline of events, a NC letter(no matter how far this OM is), access to ALL your communication devices.


even then, it's not a safe bet your husband will forgive you. trust is an important part in a marriage along with love, respect, and loyalty. he has lost trust in you. your job is to earn it back. 


reconciliation will not be easy.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

I'm not trying to be confrontational here, but you're story sounds like one big lie. You met other man but never had sex, you were about to tell your husband but didn't, you were going to send a no contact email but didn't have to - I have a better chance of winning the lottery than your story being true.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sk0625 (Nov 29, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> I'm not trying to be confrontational here, but you're story sounds like one big lie. You met other man but never had sex, you were about to tell your husband but didn't, you were going to send a no contact email but didn't have to - I have a better chance of winning the lottery than your story being true.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not being confrontational, but I'll elaborate... Met this man in a bar at a bachelorette party. He was on holiday in the states from another country. Bachelorette party consisted of 3 married women, the bride to be, and a single mom. We watched a band at a bar, no, nothing happend. Facebook happend. And messages.

Was looking for ways and courage to tell my husband.... still sitting on it as our marriage was going much better in the past month. To wrap up my infidelity, I sent a FB message to OM after not speaking with him for about a month that could have potentially warranted a response, but didn't. If he had replied, I was going to explain how what I did was wrong, and that I love my DH and I will not be speaking to OM again... but he didn't reply to my message on Saturday.

And today was Dday. And I've wrecked everything. And I'll die trying to get him to trust me again. Or he'll leave me. There are really only two options.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Sk0625 said:


> hank you so much for all of your replies!
> 
> He did call me back to say that he would go with me. I've never been. She isn't my counselor, just someone my insurance recommended. I left her a VM this morning, told her what I'd done, and send her an email as well. She called me back and in the brief chat she said that she preferred to see us both if possible, because my issues impact both of us and not just me. I get that. But he's also a man, and what man wants to go to counseling? I get that too.... It's set for Monday at 6. She asked me how his agreeing to come made me feel... hopeful yes, and then like crying more.
> I want to express to him how sorry I am, but words are meaningless to him. Now is a good example of why, I guess. Hard to get someone to have butterflies when they hear I love you from someone who's just betrayed them.
> ...


Yes you can and if you are smart you will. If you want this to work then once you have apologized all over yourself you will let him drive this train. If you are smart you will understand you can't fix this or make it better you can only allow it to heal. Everytime you push it you are only reopening the wound and stopping it from healing. He has to process all this figure out how to deal with it inside. You didn't handle your own desires or emotions very well. What would make you think you can handle his. Don't make this worse by pushing your agenda. This is his now. You lost the moral authority to drive the conversation when you did that.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> he found out on his own. Including the picture of other guy's junk...


Niiiiiiiice...



> told him I would never drink again if that's what he wanted.


So, after this you would still drink?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Sk0625 said:


> Not being confrontational, but I'll elaborate... Met this man in a bar at a bachelorette party. He was on holiday in the states from another country. Bachelorette party consisted of 3 married women, the bride to be, and a single mom.  We watched a band at a bar, no, nothing happend. Facebook happend. And messages.
> 
> Was looking for ways and courage to tell my husband.... still sitting on it as our marriage was going much better in the past month. To wrap up my infidelity, I sent a FB message to OM after not speaking with him for about a month that could have potentially warranted a response, but didn't. If he had replied, I was going to explain how what I did was wrong, and that I love my DH and I will not be speaking to OM again... but he didn't reply to my message on Saturday.
> 
> And today was Dday. And I've wrecked everything. And I'll die trying to get him to trust me again. Or he'll leave me. There are really only two options.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Your story is full of illogical actions and unlikely coincidences. As you've posted it so far, 
it is full of holes and doesn't make a whole lot of sense. It doesn't proceed logically from point A to point B to point C. There is plenty of proof for your husband to see of your actions to betray him, but no proof of anything you supposedly were doing or planning to do to end it and make it right. Your story is theoretically possible but not believable. If a story isn't believable, I tend not to believe it.

You cheated on your husband and hid the truth from him for weeks or months, he found out the tip of the iceberg on his own, he saw with his own eyes you continuing to fish for the other man, and you lay on him a story that a third-grader wouldn't believe. He is probably thinking "what, she thinks so little of me that she couldn't even come up with a decent lie?"

You are posting on an infidelity forum, we are all adults here, we see unbelievable stories like yours all the time, and we are not married to you so we don't know anything about how honest and loyal you've been in the past. We only know what you post, and so far it's not believable. Your husband doesn't believe it either. So tell him to schedule a polygraph.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He knows she cheated on him. So he might not care what a polygraph session might reveal.

A)_She loves you._ *But she cheated on me*
A) She is sorry. *But she cheated on me*
A) She did not have a PA. *But she cheated on me*

If he cannot get past what she did, a polygraph will mean nothing.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

My_2nd_Rodeo said:


> I agree with the folks saying that he is in shutdown/disconnect mode.
> 
> My wife offers up all her info and tells me everywhere she goes (asking for permission), etc. At this point, I am saying the same thing as your husband - I don't want to live that way. I don't want to be with someone that I'm going to have to spend my energy worrying/snooping about fidelity.
> 
> ...


yup.
crushed my ego to read what she and om were sending back and forth, too.
and yes, that reeeeealy grates on me...the temperature check.
"are you okay because you seem kind of angry/distant/distracted today".
sometimes i want to shout:
"THATS BECAUSE YOU HAD A TWO YEAR LONG AFFAIR WHILE I WAS DEALING WITH THE LOSS OF MY FATHER AND THE BIRTH OF MY DAUGHTER AND NO I DONT THINK HAPPY JOY JOY THOUGHTS WHEN IT CROSSES MY MIND"
actually, sometimes i do say that.
to the OP...i dont know, just take it easy and let him work thru it on his own timeframe. nothing worse than "arent you over it yet?"
and the whole "i was trying to think of when to tell him" stinks to high heaven.
my wife tells me that. she tells me "one night, we were sitting there and i almost told you 'we're so disconnected that im cheating on you'"...this was only a month or so into her A, when i could have stopped it (lol), or at least made my mind up how i wanted to deal with it. so, almost doesnt count. you DIDNT tell him. thats what counts.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Sk0625 said:


> Not being confrontational, but I'll elaborate... Met this man in a bar at a bachelorette party. He was on holiday in the states from another country. Bachelorette party consisted of 3 married women, the bride to be, and a single mom. We watched a band at a bar, no, nothing happend. Facebook happend. And messages.
> 
> Was looking for ways and courage to tell my husband.... still sitting on it as our marriage was going much better in the past month. To wrap up my infidelity, I sent a FB message to OM after not speaking with him for about a month that could have potentially warranted a response, but didn't. If he had replied, I was going to explain how what I did was wrong, and that I love my DH and I will not be speaking to OM again... but he didn't reply to my message on Saturday.
> 
> And today was Dday. And I've wrecked everything. And I'll die trying to get him to trust me again. Or he'll leave me. There are really only two options.


so you exchanged numbers at the bar and added him to FB?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> He knows she cheated on him. So he might not care what a polygraph session might reveal.
> 
> A)_She loves you._ *But she cheated on me*
> A) She is sorry. *But she cheated on me*
> ...


He saw a message from her to OM fishing for more contact. She denies what he saw with his own eyes. Healing starts with truth and right now he doesn't feel like he's getting it. What he really needs to start to reestablish trust is for his wife to tell him a believable story that makes sense. Since she is sticking to her story that is unbelievable and doesn't make sense but is theoretically possible, if it really is true (which I can tell you it's not), the only way to remove his doubts (or at least the quickest and easiest) is for her to take a polygraph to prove to him the veracity of her story. When he feels he has the truth and his wife is being sincere, he will bmuch more likely to consider reconciliation. Not while he feels his wife is still lying and covering up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> He saw a message from her to OM fishing for more contact. She denies what he saw with his own eyes. Healing starts with truth and right now he doesn't feel like he's getting it. What he really needs to start to reestablish trust is for his wife to tell him a believable story that makes sense. Since she is sticking to her story that is unbelievable and doesn't make sense but is theoretically possible, if it really is true (which I can tell you it's not), the only way to remove his doubts (or at least the quickest and easiest) is for her to take a polygraph to prove to him the veracity of her story. When he feels he has the truth and his wife is being sincere, he will bmuch more likely to consider reconciliation. Not while he feels his wife is still lying and covering up.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But if he can't get over the lies and the cheating, a polygraph will not help.


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## AZman (Nov 27, 2012)

When did he find out? when did you talk about it? His disconnect maybe his attempt to process and decide.


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## Sk0625 (Nov 29, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> so you exchanged numbers at the bar and added him to FB?


I think this is the trickle truth I read about... I left out other details surrounding that night because I didn't think they were important. The single mom hit it off with one of his buddies and they connected on FB. Seeing as how we were on a trip and posting pictures just as they were, I wasn't difficult to find. 

Speaking of FB though, I no longer have an account as H asked me to take it down. 

I didn't do anything with him face to face because it was real. Somehow, messages made it not real and more like fantasy/ fiction in my mind. I didn't solicit the first picture, but I didn't block him or anything either. I sent messages and a couple pictures back. 

I'll gladly take a polygraph. If that's what he wants. Whatever he wants.

I hope and pray that we can get past this, but I'm afraid I just ruined everything to feed my own feelings and insecurities. I was selfish and completely disrespectful, and I didn't tell him. I should have told him the minute I stopped and snapped out of it. But I was too afraid... of this moment. 

Except this moment is worse. He has read texts that I've sent to friends talking about OM from the beginning when I was acting like a wh*** and excited to get attention. So now he thinks I had feelings or a relationship with him, and thinks that I am trying to water it down. 

I've destroyed him, yet I feel like dying. And worst of all- I've been on the flip side. I swore I would never cheat because I've been cheated on more than once, and I watched my father do it to my mother as if it were a hobby. I've felt what he is feeling and now I did this to him. I hate myself. And he hates me too, just as I deserve.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Sk0625 said:


> I think this is the trickle truth I read about... I left out other details surrounding that night because I didn't think they were important. The single mom hit it off with one of his buddies and they connected on FB. Seeing as how we were on a trip and posting pictures just as they were, I wasn't difficult to find.
> 
> Speaking of FB though, I no longer have an account as H asked me to take it down.
> 
> ...


What kind of pictures?

Does your H know about them?

Has he seen them?

Even if they are X rated telling him would be part of transparency.

If you don't tell and he finds out later....


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## [email protected] (Sep 27, 2012)

If i ever found my wife Sexted...Then that's IT!!!


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## oddball (Sep 5, 2012)

My wife also told me it was fantasy, her OM was also on another continent. Unfortunately the betrayal was not fantasy for me. It hurt like hell. And yes, I then began to question other things. Late nights out with girlfriends, male friends on face book. I started snooping her computer for other messaging platforms. It was horribly painful to loose trust in her.

SK what really helped in the beginning is she let me rage at her, and interrogate her. I wanted timelines, I wanted to know when things escalated, what was she thinking, did she think of the kids. I was completely irrational in the first 2 weeks after D day. But she was patient, did not try and undermine my feelings, and answered and answered and answered. Sometimes the same question over and over again.

Since then she has given me complete transparency, immediately sent NC letter etc. She is doing all the right things, but it has been a massive event in our marriage.

Dont hide anything. He already suspects you are watering down the affair.


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## Sk0625 (Nov 29, 2012)

Rock bottom: If I didn't have 2 small kids I'd take my own life at this point so his pain of my betrayal would eventually die with me.

Obviously, this episode didn't come out of nowhere... there was more. There were 2 others. He asked me this morning if I had anything else to tell him, after he agreed to give it to Christmas for the sake of the kids and willing to try. I looked him dead in the eyes and saw a broken man. I wanted to move forward and repair all that I had done. I said no. I felt sick. He replied Good, because I'm going to restore this phone and look at all your old texts. Now I've lied to him. Again.

I followed him downstairs to tell him that there was more. One more. He left. He returned a few hours later, throwing things, breaking things, honestly I would have taken a black eye- I deserve it. He recovered texts and questioned me, I explained. We talked for an hour. My (new, haven't even seen her yet, but have been emailing) therapist called. She has offered to see me tomorrow instead of Monday or even today if I had childcare. (I didn't take the kids to school today because I was afraid to be alone with myself...) 

For some reason, when I hung up with her, I knew I had lost everything and devastated him to his core. I may as well put everything that has ever happened in our marriage out on the table. He already knows I'm a cheater. I owe him the brutal honesty. He deserves so much more than my lies of ommission. 

So I told him about how I came up with reasons to be angry with him and used them as justification to escape in my head. I have been dealing with body image issues and overall insecurities since having my second child, and feeling unwanted or undesired or unappreciated, etc. I manifested this into being this huge wrong that my H caused when it was me. It was my issue in my head, not his. Also, I bottle things. I'm nonconfrontational when it comes to feelings and fighting I guess. I bottled it, and let it fester and turn to bitterness. He didn't create this, I did. It could have been as simple as him not noticing my hair cut. I threw it into the "let's be mad at him" box into my mind.

I sought attention. Outside my marriage. It turned into sexting because I didn't want something face to face. I wanted to be accepted and desired as a beautiful woman, not have actual sex or a relationship with someone.

The kiss on my birthday was a result of being extremely intoxicated and it scared the hell out of me. I got into a cab and bolted home. Which is what helped me be more careful months later at the bachelorette party. I knew what I was capable of, I did not want to kiss him, although yes I found him attractive and yes, I later sexted him on FB. In the moment, I was married and trying to resist him, but I should have RAN in the other direction and got the hell away from him. 

I have a drinking problem in public. I always get drunk and at times will even black out. I will never drink again.

I have a cheating problem. While it may not be actual physical intercourse with another man. It hurts my husband no less. It is still the ultimate betrayal. I've destroyed him, and he says he'd be an idiot to take me back and I've made a fool of him. I know that you all agree. I would too if it weren't me sitting here in the middle of it, wanting desperately to be the woman he deserves. I would rather die a slow and agonizing death than disrespect him again in any way. Hell, maybe I'll get cancer to settle the score.

No matter what trivial things he's done in our marriage, none of it was reason enough to behave the way I have and disrespect him in such a way. 

Everything is out now. And he is gone. And destroyed. And I am here. And broken. And have contemplated ending my life to save his. But it wouldn't save my children who are so small and don't understand... and I could never leave them. I am breathing today because of them. They need me and they are all I have. Even if they grow up to hate me for what I did to their father, I won't let them down and I will love their father for the rest of my life.

A therapist I spoke to yesterday said that while I'm getting help, I should journal instead of craving attention- That I have to replace my behavior or inclination with another behavior. I think that's why I'm putting this all out there for all of you, people I don't even know, because this is a safe behavior.
Thanks for all your listening, bashing, offering hope, all of it is beneficial in different ways.


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## seasalt (Jul 5, 2012)

Dear sk0625,

Let's see if i can convey my thoughts coherently and helpfully.

It's hard to be sympathetic to a cheater but if you are truly remorseful and are willing to do the work necessary long term and maybe for the rest of your married life I'd like to suggest a few thoughts of mine you may want to consider putting into action.

First in a previous post you referred to yourself as a ***** or acting like a *****. Make sure that you are totally beyond those feelings and will have no further aspects of whorish behavior in your life.

Second, you haven't given many details about the conduct of your marriage but when you engage your husband next take an opposite tack in your approach to the following in asking for his forgiveness. What I'm saying is that if your marriage has been volatile and full of drama be calm and collected. If you think of yourself as uber rational be emotional. Tell him that he is the only one that can save your life. I'm not talking about and don't ever try to manipulate him with suicidal thoughts, I'm talking about your marital and family life. He must understand that while you are taking responsibility for your actions and choices he will have the choice to remain married to a 100% remorseful and committed wife and a father to his children 100% of the time. 

Make it clear that you who wants reconcilliation, understand that you are no loner in control of the situation and recognize that as one of the consequences of you actions. This must not come across as coercion but as hope for a worthwhile future. No matter how you slice it, there is really very little you can do as a person who, in his eyes, is no longer safe. Tell him that you are relying on him to be strong for his family and he will never regret it.

Of course you must then follow up with all of the recommended actions to satisfy him that he is not continuing to be a fool. Transparancy, sobriety, palpable remorse, full disclosure, acts of love everything that should have been forthcoming before you chose the ***** route.

As I said, I have no insights into the nature and conduct of your marriage for its duration so my suggestion may not have traction. 

I'll close with good luck and be strong for your loved ones.

Seasalt


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

Don't think about hurting yourself or think suicidal thoughts. That will help no one.

He will come out of it in the course of time. It may take months or years. However, your relation will not be same again. Trust will never come back. My wife always tells me to trust her, ignoring her several several life long affairs. Most of the time I don't reply. I know, and probably she knows it too - that trust has gone forever.

The only thing that you can do for now is - take his maximum care. He might stop eating, start drinking, loose weight, and miss the work. Help him silently.

You couldn't be his wife. Be his friend. He needs it.


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