# Am I wrong to want my alcoholic husband to work?



## Desperate wife (Dec 7, 2012)

I have been married to this man for 14 years and have a 13 year old son with him. Two older sons 23 and 20 from a previous marriage. My older sons were young and living with me when I married him. 
At first he was wonderful and I didn't realize he had a drinking problem since I married him 6 months after we met. I soon became pregnant and had my third child. I realized shortly after I married him he had a bad drinking problem and he also was an ugly drunk, verbally abusive towards me and my boys. However just having a baby, I didn't see how I could leave. I have always loved him very much and have tried helping him but he doesn't think he has a problem because he only drinks "beer". He can't go one day with out drinking. He has different personalities when he's had too much. Most of the time he is so mean but some times can be very charming. 

Long story short my older boys can't stand him and do not visit us, except once in a great while. My 13 yr is sad to see his dad in that condition. My husband has not worked in 4 years. I have a business that provides well for us, so I feel he thinks he shouldn't work. I've asked him to get a job several times but he just gets upset. He does have a bad back and he claims that's the reason he can't work. However he's constantly moving heavy furniture and picking up heavy items. To his defense, he helps me with all house hold chores and is a real handy man around the house. 

Maybe it's wrong to want him to work but he's only 54, too young to retire and if he worked maybe he wouldn't drink so much. I do resent that I have to be the provider and take care of all of our finances. I do know I'm an enabler because I give him money every day. If I don't, he use's the credit cards and runs them up. I'm really tired of living with a man that has no ambition or motivation, since I'm the opposite of that. We've split up several times but I always take him back. I feel like he needs me and that I need him. 

I had a hard child hood and my dad abandoned me several times so now I have a fear of being abandoned. I know my husband would never leave cause he needs me, but is that really a way to live? I would appreciate any suggestions or advice.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

It is not unreasonable at all. If you don't need the money, he can do anything he wants. I envy his situation. If he is just drinking his days away he is wasting an opportunity that most people could only dream of.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Sounds like a very co-dependent relationship, which isn't a good thing. You need to ask yourself why you feel you need him and why you feel he needs you? You probably feel like you're his caretaker, that is very common when you live with someone who is an alcoholic or drug addict. 

Has he been to AA or in any type of counseling? Have you been to any alanon meetings or any type of counseling? if not I would suggest you give that a try. You can suggest all of that to him, but he will likely not go, but might be worth a shot. 

As far as him working, I don't think its unreasonable of you to feel that he should, but is he a functioning alcoholic? In others words do you feel he can hold down a job? Or is it it so bad that probably wouldn't work out? 

He doesn't need a fixer or anyone to enable him, he needs actual help. To him he sees you as always taking him back no matter what, so therefore he feels no real need to change. He will keep doing what he has always done, because he can.Think about what it is you really need, you probably NEED to take care of you, because its all you can do really.


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## Desperate wife (Dec 7, 2012)

He is a functioning alcoholic because he has worked in the past off and on, but never really liked it. It bothers me that i have to financially support him and he thinks that's ok. My business usually slows down in December, i decided i would cut his "daily budget" in half and asked him to get a job to help out. He only said "I'll try". I of course was furious! He on the other hand is upset that i cut his budget and doesn't think it's fair.
He refuses to go to any AA meetings or seek counseling since he feels like he doesn't have a problem.

I wish i had anough strength to leave him and not take him back. I do ask my self why i'm in this marriage. I don't really need him but i am afraid to grow old and not have any one. I am going to seek counseling and hopefully develop the courage to leave the marriage.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

My husband is an alcoholic. He started his drinking in the summer of 2010, after 22 years of marriage. Not long after we separated and he move into his father's house and then his father died and left him enough money to live comfortably on. With the exception of a few months this past summer, which I think he did in an effort to get me to let him move in with me, he hasn't worked since Sept, 2010. 

I pretty much told him that I could never live with him sitting at home while I went out to work every day. We both shared the family business and 3 times in the past 2 years he's worked, stopped and blown off customers, which hurts our business. I told him that never again would he work in my business. It's "mine" because I started it and he started working in it after he got out of the navy in 1990. 

He's 52, a stinking drunk and doesn't work. That makes him lazy scum in my book and it's a good thing for him that he had his own money because NO WAY would I have supported him in any way, shape or form. I don't support lazy deadbeats. I don't care how handy he is around the house. Anything he can do around the house, I can do. 

Last week he told me that his money is gone and he's living off credit cards. He took out a loan for a boat 2 years ago and been having himself a real party since his father died. We are still married and I dont want to be liable for his debts or lifestyle. I filed for divorce today before it gets worse. I don't know if he has money or not but I suspect he does and is just trying to get out from paying child support. 

I don't know what the hell you are doing with your H. If he's as bad as my husband (and he sounds like it) then why put up with it? Because you don't like being alone? Well, I love being alone so that's not a problem so I guess I guess it helps but my suggestion is to get used to being alone or get used to having a free loader because it doesn't sound like your H is ever going to work. 

So pick your poison. He's not going to change. He is what he is. He will keep lying and putting you off and being the drunk that he is. You can either stay with him and accept the situation or change it. Your choice. But you aren't going to change him.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

You don't and should not have to live like that. I suggest you read the book, Co-Dependent No More and The Cinderella Complex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

As an alcoholic I can tell you that most alcoholics don't stop until they lose everything, and your husband still has a lot to lose.

So, you can continue to support him and take that long ride downhill to the bottom with him or you can get out now and see if he considers your divorcing him "losing everything" and gets help.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If his back is so bad that he cannot work, then he needs to apply for Social Security Disability. That way he can help provide. If he waits much longer to apply he will have lost the window in which he is eligible. Let the doctors and lawyers decide if he’s that disabled. If he refuses then tell him the marriage is over. He needs incentive. Give him some.

You are enable his drinking and you are co-dependent .. making his needs your focus to the point of harming yourself. Al-Anon can help you get your head in a place in which you stop the enabling and co-dependence.


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