# Huge moral issue in marriage



## hug29 (May 14, 2009)

Been married 21 years. There have been hard times and things don't often get resolved. Have often thought there is some game playing in the marriage that I couldn't put my finger on. Have been miserable at times. The new and biggest issue is: husband was charged with DUI in a boat which affects licence for driving etc. Our 2 teens were supenad? to court to testify for or against him. Dad was charged with care and control of the vehicle because he switched seats with 16 year old son at the last minute. 
Court is coming up shortly. I have flat out told him the kids are not going to be put on the stand to lie, and why. I have even went so far as to threaten him that he may have to leave the marriage: I know not right, but I felt desperate to have him listen to me. I thought he really listened, but then said we have marriage problems and should go to counselling - I agreed and set it up. Things have been stressful to say the least for about 2 months for me anyways. All he can think of is how he can get out being charged. Just last night he asked if the kids go on the stand and deny remembering what happened on the boat 2 years ago. He said this wouldn't be a lie. I said I can't answer him and would think about it. In my mind I'm thinking no matter what its a lie by ommision. They remember what happened.
He has also told my daughter about going to marriage counselling (16), knows that we disagree on this issue and now she's worried about our marriage. This feels so wrong to me and I don't understand why I have to fight tooth and nail to get him to see this is wrong.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

He is not acting like an adult OR like a father. What a terrible situation to put his children in! I think you wrere actually right on target with telling him this is enough to end the marriage, frankly. I'm not sure I could live with someone who could do this to his kids. He is afraid and using the kids to protect himself--but parents should protect their children!! An adult accepts responsibility for his actions, too, no matter how painful. 

Maybe he has a drinking issue and this could be what forces him to face up to it.


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## hug29 (May 14, 2009)

Thanks so much for your reply. There have been so many issues in this relationship that I've sucked up -not cleaning house -raising ADHD son -having to take care of myself most of the time -critical of me and not listening to how I feel. I hope this counsellor helps. He doesn't have a drinking problem only in the summer months with boating. He has many good points too and can be an excellent and caring father. He buys me lots of jewelry probably as an apology. 
I worry that I may have to end the marriage. He sure looks like a great guy to everyone else and if it ends it'll look like its all my fault. Often wondered if he is passive aggressive.


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

Your children are old enough to make up their own minds. It is YOUR job to tell them, and let them know that they should NOT and NEVER feel guilty if they get on that stand and tell the truth. Even tho it may go against their father, it is NOT their punishment to pay. They aren't afraid of what Dad will do if they don't go along with him are they?

I agree with sisters....this is not the action of a man who just happened to have the occasional drink. Does he have a drinking problem?


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

OMG, hug, i just read your new reply, and I know what you feel. Everyone else sees what a great guy he is..but none of them have the benefit? of living with him. My husband is the same way. WE have been married for 20 years and I am at times ready to call it quits...but...he has changed so much in the past 2 years that I would think everyone else would see me as the shmuck if I did part ways with him.

In your heart YOU know the truth, and those that will stand by you, no matter what your decision is, are your TRUE friends! Always keep tht in mind.


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## hug29 (May 14, 2009)

He had the kids believing that they should get up and lie to protect him. If I allow it I feel its taking away alot of what I've taught them. I also don't believe they could lie and worry about charges to my now 18 year old. He's placed me and them in a very bad position. The kids would try and lie for him because they love him and want to make him happy. What is to cost to them. My gut is telling me I have to protect them from this at all costs, my son especially who is learning from his role model. This is tearing me apart, and he's not seeing it. I guess loosing his licence is more important than our marriage. I've got my sisters to rely on emotionally, but at the same time they believe save the marriage no matter what. I don't believe he will leave me and I sure don't want to leave him. Wow this is just ridiculous behavior and I feel like I am the only sane one, but at times even question that.


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

My kids and I made excuses for him for many MANY years to "cover for him". There comes a time when you have to stop doing that. He is a grown man and should have known the consequences to his actions before he even stepped foot on the boat. 

How will your children feel in 5 years from now if they do lie. Will they regret it? If they get in trouble for something, do they ask your husband to lie for them to cover it up? 

This is a difficult situation you are in, and I feel bad for you. The best advice I can give you is to go with what your gut is telling you. If you compromise your morals for him now...will he expect you to do it again for him in the future? I will bet you he will. By covering for him, you are being an "enabler", which means you are allowing him to display this behavior.

I can tell you one thing, from MY point of view, you would not be wrong to leave him because of this. NOT because of the drinking and the DUI, but for what he is asking of the children and putting THEM in this position. To me that is unacceptable!

Does he comletely understand that its a moral issue for you? All you can do is explain it to him the best way you can. If he is a "man" and can accept responsability for his own actions, then kudos. But if he can't, and still wants you and the kids to cover for him, he has some growing up to do.


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## hug29 (May 14, 2009)

Thanks for your support, I know I have to stand my ground and its killing me. I have explained it very clearly to him and how I feel about it. He still can't get it wrapped around his head and court is close. He's a wreck and I feel for him and I know how its going to affect him in his own business and how I am going to be affected. It sucks but I didn't do it and I'm not responsible nor are the children. 
Its funny but sad but I spoke to his sister about this: he doesn't know. She said therre's no point in talking to him he won't listen, and he's always been arrogant. I was hoping she'd try and put some sense into him, after everything else didn't work. The fear I have is that he will do what he wants behind my back with the kids, and really force me to stand up against him and make a police statement myself to end this. At 46 I don't really went to start again. There are many things i love about him but sometimes theres more to hate.


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

What he does and says to the kids is his deal. What you say to them is the only thing you can control. Your kids are old enough to have a mind of their own. They know right from wrong, even if it is against a parent. 

I am really hoping this is a huge wake up call for him. But you have to ask yourself and your kids....If you do cover for him because you feel bad for him...will he do it again? What if next time he really hurts someone or kills someone? If you stand your ground NOW, this won't be allowed to happen, you will be a part of preventing it. If you do cover for him, for what ever reason, think about how you would feel when he does hurt someone else, not to mention the lawsuit that will come after that one. This is little compared to what it could be.

You shouldn't think of it in terms of you starting over again. What is more important here? Don't let fear guide you...go with your gut. I tell my kids all the time...It is harder to do the right thing, than it is to just sit back and let something bad happen knowing you could have prevented it in some way!


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Have you spoken to his lawyer about this? If not, do so, and perhaps the lawyer can keep the kids from having to testify. Not a perfect solution, but whatever it takes to protect the kids. 

I feel for you. Good luck.


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

sisters359 said:


> Have you spoken to his lawyer about this? If not, do so, and perhaps the lawyer can keep the kids from having to testify. Not a perfect solution, but whatever it takes to protect the kids.
> 
> I feel for you. Good luck.


:iagree: Awesome idea!


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

you might want to keep in mind that the judge and district attorney have much more experience with these matters than you or your husband, and i would bet money that the judge and da have ways of garnering the truth from older children, and when it comes out that their father discussed testimony with his kids, the consequences for your husband could be more dire than just a dui convition.

and your children, should this happen, would be made to feel even worse.


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