# I'm not getting what I'm giving.



## love_always (Aug 25, 2011)

Well, it's taken me awhile to convince myself to post this. After last night, I decided I needed some advice..

My husband is 22 and I'm 21. We've been together for 3 and a half years, married for 5 months.

When we don't have sex, he asks me to go down on him and I eagerly do it..but then he does not want to do anything for me. It's been happening for quite some time. 

Last night, I went down on him and that of course got me aroused so I asked him if he could get me off with his fingers. He sighed and said, "Right now?!". I said, "Yeah, please.. I got you off, and that made me want something too." He says, "Well just because you do something for me doesn't mean I have to do anything for you..If that's the case then I'm just not gonna ask anymore." Then he proceeded to get mad at me and watch tv. He doesn't even do foreplay whatsoever. I try and he gets frustrated and says, "Can we just do it already?". Totally a turn off for me. So half the time the sex is painful and I'm not aroused at all.

I don't really understand why my husband doesn't want to pleasure me and doesn't seem to care about my pleasure. It hurts...I cry over it everytime he says those things and talking about it doesn't work. He always has an excuse to why he doesn't want to pleasure me. I can't do it anymore..

I've never had an orgasm from another person (sex doesn't get me off)..and I'm afraid it's never going to happen.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Don`t take this badly but this is why children should`t marry.



love_always said:


> I've never had an orgasm from another person (sex doesn't get me off)..and I'm afraid it's never going to happen.


Oh it could indeed most probably happen, the odds are with you.
I`m pretty safe in saying it isn`t going to happen with your husband though. He`s an immature selfish lover.



> I don't really understand why my husband doesn't want to pleasure me and doesn't seem to care about my pleasure. It hurts...I cry over it everytime he says those things and talking about it doesn't work. He always has an excuse to why he doesn't want to pleasure me. I can't do it anymore..


If you`ve tried to talk to him about it and he does`t care about hurting you there isn`t much you can do.

I`d recommend divorce before any kids are brought into this.

You`re very young and the world is full of good men who actually know how to treat a woman well.
Find one, but take your time.


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## love_always (Aug 25, 2011)

Thank you for the advice. 

It's hard because I love him deeply, but that connection is so important to me. I'm just not getting it. I don't want to be without him, but I don't want to feel this way anymore.

I'm so torn on what to do.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I was 19 years old when i got married. I thought i had everything figured out.. about 2 years ago my husband I started running into problems. I look at things differently now that i am 33, then when i was 19.

It is not at all fair that you meet his needs, but will not meet yours. Eventually you will resent him for him not meeting your needs, believe me i know.

The only thing i can advise you to do. Is keep talking to him about it... It took my husband almost 2 years to finally get it (and he is 43. of course i had to threaten walking out the door, It was not an empty threat.)

Keep talking to him... Ask him why he won't. Keep telling him what you need.. maybe it will finally sink in.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I don't normally go for tit-for-tat things, but in this case I would seriously consider cutting down on the number of bj's if he's unwilling to also satisfy you. He's being incredibly selfish to get what he wants/needs and then just leaving you hanging. If you want to do a bj, it should start with you getting yours first - at least some of the time. 

You are going to have to be very honest with your husband about what your boundaries are regarding this, and then you have to uphold them. Hopefully, he will start to come around. Marriage is all about working together and trying to meet your partner's needs. Hopefully, you two can work together to make your marriage work. 

Best wishes.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Your husband is beyond ignorant, he plain does not want to be bothered with both your pleasure and even if sex is painful from lack of foreplay.

You specifically ask him for sexual satisfaction and he refuses all annoyed right after you blew him?

That's toxic.

His age has nothing to do with it.

I hope you reflect on why you love him so much when his behavior shows he does not share your depth of feeling.

A man in love, even a young one, maybe especially a young one, is enthusiastic about their lady's pleasure.

I suggest a stab at marriage counseling. My gut tells me he won't want to participate but it's worth a shot.

BTW, stop with the BJs unless he pleases you first.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

buy some ky jelly and quit giving bj's

after hes done next time say that was fast!!! not mean but kinda suprised like.

then ask him if he could help finish you off with his hands.

maybe something like you have such nice strong hands I've been dying to have you touch me just like the dream I had the other night you were amazing you touched me here and then .......you get the idea go from there.


if hes still selfish just get up and say I'm tired if making love with someone who is selfish, I'd rather masterbate than make love to you your just selfish. you won't be lying and it will push it to a head either (no pun intended)

but don't put up with this too long or it will be unreversible


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What about plopping down on the couch beside him, whipping out your favorite toy, and rubbing out a great orgasm? Slap his hand away if he tries to help.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## roymcavoy (Apr 15, 2011)

michzz said:


> A man in love, even a young one, maybe especially a young one, is enthusiastic about their lady's pleasure.


Agree completely. I will NEVER understand the selfishness of a man who isn't interested in pleasuring his woman AT LEAST as much as he is, by her.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

I second the counseling suggestion. Go to a sex therapist.

Since you never orgasm, it's possible that he feels insecure about that. Men, especially young men, have these porn-fueled fantasies where their wives just faint with pleasure as soon as sex starts. When reality sets in, it can be a blow to the ego.

So, while your husband acts like a narcissistic jerk, it's possible that he's simply hurt and acting defensively. Therapy can help with this.

However, if he refuses therapy and refuses to talk about sex and refuses to meet your needs, then you need to tell him that you are going to stop meeting his sexual needs. Make it clear that, if foreplay and your pleasure is involved, you're willing to have sex as often as he can handle it. But, if he simply wants to use you to get himself off, buy him a nice big bottle of hand lotion. He'll probably come around.

And, until this issue is resolved completely, don't have any kids.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

love_always said:


> Thank you for the advice.
> 
> It's hard because I love him deeply, but that connection is so important to me. I'm just not getting it. I don't want to be without him, but I don't want to feel this way anymore.
> 
> I'm so torn on what to do.


Is this the only area in your marriage he is selfish? I tend to doubt it. I don't blame you for being annoyed... tell him don't ask then. geesh


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

PBear said:


> What about plopping down on the couch beside him, whipping out your favorite toy, and rubbing out a great orgasm? Slap his hand away if he tries to help.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Awesome idea


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

PBear said:


> What about plopping down on the couch beside him, whipping out your favorite toy, and rubbing out a great orgasm? Slap his hand away if he tries to help.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I'm tempted to do just that. This girl's husband sounds similar to mine. He knows I have a B.O.B. and he's even seen it.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Also, isn't marriage counseling costly? I'm open to the idea and I know he will let his ego get in the way and possibly decline. Young men...smh.


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## roymcavoy (Apr 15, 2011)

SepticChange said:


> I'm tempted to do just that. This girl's husband sounds similar to mine. He knows I have a B.O.B. and he's even seen it.


This kid's young, so I'll give him a break...but, if he had any sense, he'd be BUYING her the best B.O.B. on the market, and helping her use it anytime she wants.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

SepticChange said:


> I'm tempted to do just that. This girl's husband sounds similar to mine. He knows I have a B.O.B. and he's even seen it.


I didn't add... You're husband seems like a very selfish and neglectful lover. Perhaps he'll get better as he gets older, but I wouldn't bet much on it. Especially if you don't push for change.

For as long as I've been active, my partner's pleasure has been as important to me as my own. I'm not convinced that can be taught, but I guess it can be taught that there's a price for not meeting your needs too. That being no more sex and/or bj's for him. The question is, are you willing to stake out that hill and die on it? From the sounds of things now, you're not giving up too much pleasure if you end up playing solitaire from now on anyway.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

"I'm not getting what I'm giving"

Back off on the giving. He is likely taking you and other things for granted.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

PBear said:


> I didn't add... You're husband seems like a very selfish and neglectful lover. Perhaps he'll get better as he gets older, but I wouldn't bet much on it. Especially if you don't push for change.
> 
> For as long as I've been active, my partner's pleasure has been as important to me as my own. I'm not convinced that can be taught, but I guess it can be taught that there's a price for not meeting your needs too. That being no more sex and/or bj's for him. The question is, are you willing to stake out that hill and die on it? From the sounds of things now, you're not giving up too much pleasure if you end up playing solitaire from now on anyway.
> 
> ...


I'm gonna try and push for change without pissing him off. Yeah, gotta deal with a guy who has a quick temper that he's working on. I'll say it playfully and ask why I don't receive much and see what he says. But to him I guess he thinks it's pointless if the woman doesn't have an orgasm while he's giving. He can't give me one.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So what do you mean that he can't give you an orgasm? Not orally, manually, through intercourse? What are you doing to try to work on that?

My GF has only had an orgasm vaginally once with me. She says intercourse with me feels better than with any of her other partners, and I choose to believe that. . So we often use a toy on her at the same time, at least to finish things off. As well, I've done significant reading to learn about g-spots, when she indicated an interest in learning to squirt with a partner; she was able to do that on her own, but never able to let go enough with someone else. Speaking of that, is there anything that you think might be hanging you up? One thing I've learned over the past 6 months is how mental sex and orgasms are.

Anyway, good luck. I can understand how it might be frustrating and embarrassing for a young guy to not be able to give his wife an orgasm. But unless he's willing to work with you on it, it's not going to change. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

PBear said:


> So what do you mean that he can't give you an orgasm? Not orally, manually, through intercourse? What are you doing to try to work on that?
> 
> My GF has only had an orgasm vaginally once with me. She says intercourse with me feels better than with any of her other partners, and I choose to believe that. . So we often use a toy on her at the same time, at least to finish things off. As well, I've done significant reading to learn about g-spots, when she indicated an interest in learning to squirt with a partner; she was able to do that on her own, but never able to let go enough with someone else. Speaking of that, is there anything that you think might be hanging you up? One thing I've learned over the past 6 months is how mental sex and orgasms are.
> 
> ...


I can't orally or through inercourse and manually I only can if I do it myself. I have one through intercourse and it required a lot of concentration which I felt took away from the whole thing. I don't think it should require THAT much concentration. But maybe my body is just wired differently. As for g-spot orgasm I never have experienced one, ever. Don't know what's wrong with me.

Husband and I have gotten into an argument about it in the past and he asked if I was sexually attracted to him..etc etc. I think he just now accepts that I just don't orgasm. Like he gave up? I don't know, he's young and it's probably a blow to his ego since apparently he's been able to achieve that with every other partner he's had.

But hey, not giving up hope. Still working on it. I'd like to sit down and talk with him about it...once I figure out how to do that I may have a better understanding of how he feels and vice versa.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

SepticChange said:


> As for g-spot orgasm I never have experienced one, ever. Don't know what's wrong with me.


Nothing


truth is that a fairly large percentage of women can't orgasm through vaginal intercourse. Orgasming with the G-spot is even rarer.

I will say this- it is more likely to happen as you get older. My wife didn't have G-spot O's until she was 33. As you get older the lining of your vaginal walls decreases and gets more sensitive.


I will also say that considering how your husband seems to be a selfish lover, it is no surprise you haven't achieved orgasm through intercourse.


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## Wantsmore (Sep 13, 2011)

PBear said:


> What about plopping down on the couch beside him, whipping out your favorite toy, and rubbing out a great orgasm? Slap his hand away if he tries to help.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OMG! The thought of my wife doing that would insane. I know that would never happen, man that would be so hot though.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

There's nothing wrong with you because you don't orgasm vaginally. Most women don't. It took over a year and a half of having sex before I had a vaginal orgasm and it did take a lot of concentration. When we first started doing oral together, it took months before the orgasms were big enough to actually notice, and even when they did come, it took over forty five minutes for me to get there. 

Firstly, your husband sounds like a selfish jerk. My husband says seeing me pleasured turns him on more than anything else. I agree with others here who've said you should stop giving him BJ's or having sex with him until he arouses you first. 

Secondly, find a good sex self-help book and look through the sections on female orgasms. I did that it helped my orgasms come quicker and more intensely, as well as gave tips to my husband on how to give me oral. That plays a big part as well, so don't assume the issue is you. It could very well be that he's not doing it right. 

As for the G-Spot, you may not have one. I don't think I have one because when I orgasm vaginally, the "spot" is usually not in the same place every time. Finding yours may take some experimenting with different positions, different depths of him inside of you, etc. My husband has to be DEEP inside of me before I will vaginally orgasm, and usually I have to have oral before hand. 

So, firstly your husband needs to grow up. That's the first step. Secondly, you both need to research different ways for bringing a woman to climax. If you can't afford a counselor, there are some great sex books that can help. Barnes and Noble carries them.


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## love_always (Aug 25, 2011)

Thanks to all of you for your responses. They were very helpful to me and I am online looking now for a sex help book. 

To be honest, this is not the only area he is selfish in. Just an example, today was my birthday.. and all I wanted to do was spend it with him. All he did was sleep, mope around and pick fights. We had talked about going to a movie but when I brought it up he got mad and went to bed.

This is not how I want to spend my life.

I was going to make a thread in the addiction section about this also, but I might as well just let it out now.. he smokes weed 24/7. When he doesn't have it he is very irritable, mean and cold hearted to me. It's breaking me down and I don't know what I can do about it. He's made it very clear that weed makes him happy, makes things more fun and that he's never going to stop.

I think that alot of the times this plays into the sex. When he isn't high he doesn't want me around, so why would he care about my pleasure?

I'm at a loss. I walk around with a million things in my head all of the time but not one solultion to any of these problems. They are getting worse. He's not open to talking or recieving any help. There's nothing more that I feel I can do..


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I say, cut your losses and trade up.


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## EvanderS (Jul 1, 2011)

love_always said:


> I think that alot of the times this plays into the sex. When he isn't high he doesn't want me around, so why would he care about my pleasure?


Lost Cause.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

that_girl said:


> I say, cut your losses and trade up.


:iagree::iagree:


but look for someone who is drug free.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

SepticChange said:


> I can't orally or through inercourse and manually I only can if I do it myself. I have one through intercourse and it required a lot of concentration which I felt took away from the whole thing. I don't think it should require THAT much concentration. But maybe my body is just wired differently. As for g-spot orgasm I never have experienced one, ever. Don't know what's wrong with me.
> 
> Husband and I have gotten into an argument about it in the past and he asked if I was sexually attracted to him..etc etc. I think he just now accepts that I just don't orgasm. Like he gave up? I don't know, he's young and it's probably a blow to his ego since apparently he's been able to achieve that with every other partner he's had.
> 
> But hey, not giving up hope. Still working on it. I'd like to sit down and talk with him about it...once I figure out how to do that I may have a better understanding of how he feels and vice versa.


I would not be able to have one under those circumstances either.. too much pressure from him.


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## oldflyguy (Sep 15, 2011)

michzz said:


> Your husband is beyond ignorant, he plain does not want to be bothered with both your pleasure and even if sex is painful from lack of foreplay.
> 
> You specifically ask him for sexual satisfaction and he refuses all annoyed right after you blew him?
> 
> ...


X2...

wow, needs to have the back of his head slapped....

taken care of you first should be his only concern, unless you did not want to "go"..

others have said what I would say...


OFG


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