# my husband says he has to focus to maintain an erection...



## leah79 (Aug 4, 2011)

Hubby and I have been married for 2 years, and our sexual histories are very different I have been with quite a few partners while hubby has only ever been with 3 women including myself. No other man I have had sex with has told me they need to focus to maintain an erection but hubby tells me he has to focus, I fell like it is because I do not turn him on sexually because 1) I am overweight and 2) because of my past. 3) I have ptsd, (from my 1st marriage being a dv situation, abuse from childhood and another dv relationship), depression and bi polar. 4) we have been trying to have a baby for 2 years with no success as I have poly cystic ovarian syndrom. He knew all of this before we got married. Am I worrying about nothing or are my instincts right?

He has wet dreams and often has erections while asleep both of which I know are normal but for someone who has to focus to maintain is it normal? :scratchhead:


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

How old is he?

When you say focus, does he mean focus on you and on what is happening in the sense that he wants you to be more vocal, dirty talk, etc? Or focus in the sense that he needs to close his eyes and doesn't want you to talk? If the first, I would say that he may just need to feel a more "active" connection with you. If the second, it's likely that he's having a sexual fantasy while having sex.

From personal experience in relationships I was in before I met my husband, sex that you can only enjoy while fantasizing about someone else is bad news. But I can also say that I understand about wanting the partner to talk to me during sex, to keep the "storyline" so to speak going so that it is not just physical but also more mental. That is really important to me and I suppose you could describe that as me wanting to "focus." 

I doubt it has to do with your weight - he fell in love with your shape so that should be fine. However, if you are self-conscious about your weight, you may be showing it in ways that are a bit of a turn off. Most men do like women to be confident in their own skin. 

I hope you are getting some support for your past (counseling etc) because those are serious issues and they can cause a myriad of problems. Even if they aren't related to this issue, it would still be very good to get good mental health support for that.

If you think it's the PCOS and TTC - lay off TTC for a while. Tell your H you just want to enjoy being husband and wife and let the stress of that go. He might feel anxiety about his ability to impregnate you and that could be part of it. I don't know but it is something you could try. You could just decide to go 6 cycles (or whatever) without TTC and see how it feels.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Porn?


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## Cross (Aug 1, 2011)

Omega is right. It sounds like he has to imagine he's with someone else when he's having sex with you. This makes it more difficult to finish things as a guy has to use his brain more than his package. Think of it as masturbation while actually having sex.

Does he still kiss you often and is there a good amount of foreplay and fun? Is it 'business' in bed?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

=/

I'm surprised how few women know how to force an erection actually. Sometimes I actually wonder if all women knew what wifey knows if the men themselves will be complaining less or actually come up to me and go "Hey, Randomdude, NOW I understand what you go through! And it sucks!"

I'm not going to encourage this however, but do realise that the penis responds more to touch and stimulation then willpower or what goes on in one's head. It's not enjoyable without both, but there are ways around it.


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## Parrothead (Jul 4, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> =/
> 
> I'm surprised how few women know how to force an erection actually. Sometimes I actually wonder if all women knew what wifey knows if the men themselves will be complaining less or actually come up to me and go "Hey, Randomdude, NOW I understand what you go through! And it sucks!"
> 
> I'm not going to encourage this however, but do realise that the penis responds more to touch and stimulation then willpower or what goes on in one's head. It's not enjoyable without both, but there are ways around it.


:iagree:

Trying to concentrate on an erection sounds like trying to go to sleep, if you ask me. 



> He has wet dreams and often has erections while asleep both of which I know are normal but for someone who has to focus to maintain is it normal?


Even guys who have ED can have erections in their sleep.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Yeah, despite the above responses to the contrary, a certain amount of concentration *is *required. It's not like mowing the lawn or washing windows or something, even though erections come and go with the day.

I'll tell you one thing - youze women's cats and dogs can break my concentration when they start carrying on or get up on the bed.

It's not the same for a woman - you could be on your stomach balancing your checkbook or chatting on the phone for all you have to concentrate.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Scannerguard said:


> It's not the same for a woman - you could be on your stomach balancing your checkbook or chatting on the phone for all you have to concentrate.


That's a major exaggeration and I find it rather offensive actually -- as I mentioned in my earlier post, there is a HUGE mental component to sex for many, if not most, women. That means that other distractions, if they are insistent or annoying, can indeed make it impossible to enjoy it and be enjoyable, much less have an orgasm.


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## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

I don't see why that would be insulting. The point he is making is simply that physically women don't lose there response immediately. Even if a women became distracted for a minute it would take some time before she lost her lubrication once it was present. She could easily hide her momentarily distraction and the guy would be none the wiser.

A guy distracted losing an erection is a little hard to hide, as sex is pretty much impossible without it.

I think that was his point.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

We can agree to disagree about what he was saying, what he said is posted up above.


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## leah79 (Aug 4, 2011)

omega said:


> How old is he?
> 
> When you say focus, does he mean focus on you and on what is happening in the sense that he wants you to be more vocal, dirty talk, etc? Or focus in the sense that he needs to close his eyes and doesn't want you to talk? If the first, I would say that he may just need to feel a more "active" connection with you. If the second, it's likely that he's having a sexual fantasy while having sex.
> 
> ...


He is 29, He likes me making noise and telling him how good he feels and how good the sex is. When I say focus I mean he says he has no other thoughts during all he thinks about is what he is doing. For me I think about how great it feels how much i love him etc.


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## leah79 (Aug 4, 2011)

lots of kisses and foreplay. He says it doesn't feel right if we don't kiss, he likes morning sex I don't like the brekky breath factor lol.


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## nada (Aug 20, 2011)

leah79 said:


> He is 29, He likes me making noise and telling him how good he feels and how good the sex is. When I say focus I mean he says he has no other thoughts during all he thinks about is what he is doing. For me I think about how great it feels how much i love him etc.


I started thinking about 'focus' as you mentioned it. Can it be that he is holding back until you are coming and need to have a mental focus so he does not come first? Sometimes, if it takes loong before a women comes, it may be difficult for a man to come if he has been holding back for a longer period of time. If you are trying to get pregnant and he is 'just' impregnating you, then that may be a bit of a turn off for many men, and then he may focus on mental images that make him come quicker. 

Just a few thoughts...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I agree, women can get away with it MUCH easier - OH yeah, all we have to do is lay there, use some lube, and act turned on , we are set. Not that I have ever faked it, honest to God, I never have! But the mental gynastics of what a MAN goes through- women have NO CLUE. 

I know because I have pushed my husbands limits in these past 3 years (he doesn't mind) and at one time I caused him some "Performance Pressure" (never once had an issue our entire marraige- so It was shocking to me) - here I was thinking he didn't desire me anymore , getting all flustered .... was it me , was it him? Here he was OVER THINKING it , feared not being able to perform. It can become a vicious cycle for even younger men. If It happens once, it often happens again ..and again. 

It is like a FRIGHT , like MOther walked into the ROOM, you need to be totally relaxed, aroused, Random is RIGHT, women need to intimately Touch, tease, make love to his Co** -seriously. Some may not want any flirting with that, but for us, it helped. There have been times, we would be doing it - and I could feel his shrinking inside me, so I would start to flirt/tease, talk in such a way to bring him back in time to some of our hotter moments, and I could feel him growing -coming back full strength -as I got his mind off of his performance, I was arousing his mind. It all starts in the mind. 

I even bought this book in my quest to help my husband overcome this worry with erections Amazon.com: Sexual Healing: The Complete Guide to Overcoming Common Sexual Problems (9780897934657): Barbara Keesling Ph.D.: Books

Sex Therapists will have thier patients do "Sensate Focus" exercises at home -to help the man get his MIND on the pleasure he is feeling on his skin over his performance. Yes, this comes quite natural for most men- but when a man mentally gets hung up on this -- well it can plague him. 

I am also sure he FEELS pressured due to your wanting to acheive pregnancy. Infertility can throw a Monkey Wrench into your sex life (It sure did ours!)- I also lived for conception at one time (over 6 years of trying) , we wasn't having alot of sex then, I feared it would lower his sperm count , so when we did it -he was RARING to go. He jumped at every opportunity-in our case he was starving -this is where we went wrong.

I wonder how often you and him go at it ? Are you sure he is not materbating inbetween your attempts? If so, maybe he is lowering his count plus he would be less "raring to go". 

Have you & he had Tests ? Is it related to "poly cystic ovarian syndrom"? They say after one year of unprotected regular intercoarse with no conception, it is good to see what is happening, it may be something simple. In our case, we had MANY tests ( I did the clomid for 6 months- wasn't that , sperm count -all good, tested my tubes (clear), if my mucus was hostile to his sperm-perfect , etc), it ended up being MY issue -after last baby, I had adhesions binding my tubes, they were kinked, I needed a Laparoscopy to remove them- then never had an issue again having more kids (they each came on practically the 1st attempt).

Will your insurance cover some Infertility testing ?


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