# When I finally realized something, processing her affairs got easier



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

When I realized that the "woman I married" all those years ago had not changed, just my perception of her needed to shift to who she really has been all along, then the processing of her multiple affairs became easier.

Instead of being shocked to my core that she could do this, I was able to see that it was very easy for her to do, that her deceptive personality was in place long before I met her.

My inability to see her true character was partly my fault and largely due to her well-developed skill at deception.

I doubt I will ever meet another person that good at it ever again.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Oh, I think that there are many people that we all know who are just as good at being deceptive. The world is full of them.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Indeed. My ex was one of them.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

michzz said:


> When I realized that the "woman I married" all those years ago had not changed, just my perception of her needed to shift to who she really has been all along, then the processing of her multiple affairs became easier.
> 
> Instead of being shocked to my core that she could do this, I was able to see that it was very easy for her to do, that her deceptive personality was in place long before I met her.
> 
> ...


Good wake up call but I disagree. There is about 550 same type people in DC right now...


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

WhyMe66 said:


> Good wake up call but I disagree. There is about 550 same type people in DC right now...


Do you think they are really that good, we all know when we vote it's


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

michzz said:


> I doubt I will ever meet another person that good at it ever again.


I truly hope for your sake you are right.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

This says it all.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

My wife is also good at deception and hiding her character flaws.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"I doubt I will ever meet another person that good at it ever again."

Unfortunately, you probably will.

They are far too common.

But what will have definitely changed is YOUR capacity to be deceived.

You will be much better at seeing these turds coming long before they get a chance to knife you in the back.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Oh, I think that there are many people that we all know who are just as good at being deceptive. The world is full of them.


agreed

The congress and the senate are full of them:wink2:


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

convert said:


> agreed
> 
> 
> 
> The congress and the senate are full of them:wink2:




Or anyone anywhere that strives to be a politician. They're all vile scum.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

michzz said:


> When I realized that the "woman I married" all those years ago had not changed, just my perception of her needed to shift to who she really has been all along, then the processing of her multiple affairs became easier.
> 
> Instead of being shocked to my core that she could do this, I was able to see that it was very easy for her to do, that her deceptive personality was in place long before I met her.
> 
> ...


Yes @michzz. I came to exactly the same conclusion & it does make it easier to process. Basically you (or I) had no idea who we were marrying. They're good at deception, very good. I regard them as the scum of the earth for the unimagineable hurt they cause their partners & the fallout for the children. 

The worst thing of all is that they steal years of the BS's life. I lost 6 years. To steal years of someones life by deception is the greatest of crimes. But heck, most of them never even think about that & feel little or no guilt. They're VERY good at excuses. All that goes with the deception gene too. 

It's also a fact that they will more than likely behave in the same way with their next partner who might also end up wasting years on a self-centred lying user, which is what cheaters are. Me, me, me. I reckon they should have 'cheater' tattooed on their foreheads LOL. It would sure make others think twice about getting involved. Best if they just married each other imo. 

I'm glad your thread gave me an excuse to rant. Hope you don't mind. I'm not in a good mood today. Even now, and it's a year since we split, I go through 'angry' days. The hurt is gone though. That went out the window a long time ago. Seeing it from the perspective you described helped me get past it too.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

i can identify with this.

I didn't really understand who my ex's were until long after the cheating and after much reflection.

it was after much reflecting and realizing who they were, that it was apparent all along that 'they' were 'them'.

I wanted them to be who they were not. that's my problem. they did deceive to some degree, but their true character was there well
before the cheating occurred. I wanted them to be more like me. that was my mistake and I paid for it.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I agree, **********, jorgegene, and michzz.

I lost 25 years. And part of that was my own fault, because I refused to face what he really is. All kinds of people tried to tell me. My own parents, one of my brothers, my best friend - even his own sister and brother! And all this before the cheating (that I know about) started. All of these people, without exception, told me I deserved better - that he is all about himself, and I was going to be lonely in that marriage. I was. But I was also a masochist to the Nth degree - nearly a martyr.

There is a line in a movie (and probably in the book it was based on, too) I heard about a year ago that really opened my eyes: We get the love we think we deserve.

I need to come to a place where I believe I deserve to be loved completely. Not unconditionally - humans can't do that like dogs can, nor should they. By "completely," I mean the way you love someone not in spite of their flaws, but partly because of them. (I'm not talking about serious flaws, here, like addictive or abusive behavior.) My ex-husband never completely knew me, let alone loved me. Narcissists are not capable of completely knowing or loving anyone - not even themselves. Maybe that is their root problem - maybe deep down, they neither know nor love themselves, and so can't give something to someone else that they're incapable of feeling. 

Shortly after D-Day last year, after I'd found all their texts to each other, and found that he ended each one with "Love you," I asked my ex how it is that he could love someone he'd only spent five days with (at that point). He said, "I don't know if I love her. That's just something you say."

That pretty much said it all, and explained how he could stay with someone (me) for so long who he probably never loved. The hurt ended after that, but like ********** says, the anger still remains and surfaces at times.

It did help early on in my grieving process to realize that I had married somewhat of a monster, and to own my own culpability in doing that and staying with him long after I should have. This is why I say "People don't change. They just get older." Not their base personalities, anyway. You can learn from your mistakes. But you can't fix a narcissist. This one will go on to cheat again - I'd be surprised if he hasn't already. But now, by his choice, that's someone else's problem. It's a shame that I didn't make it my choice years ago. I'm quite certain I won't make that same mistake again.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

I don't know if my fWW was always deceptive, but at some point she made a choice to engage in deception, and justified it by saying I was cruel and uncaring. Once she had a taste of the forbidden fruit, the flood gates opened and stayed that way for 3 years. 

Granted in the beginning I was so lovestruck that I may not have picked up on it. But I knew what I was doing on wedding day.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

You know guys, at some point you really need to quit obsessing and belly aching about the bad characteristics and motivations of your cheating spouse and focus on what your going to do to make your life better and more fulfilling. 
When you boil it down, you being on a slow burn is not really about what they are. You keep beating yourself up because of your poor judgement or allowing yourself to be duped. Tell me I'm wrong.
:wink2:


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

ThePheonix said:


> You know guys, at some point you really need to quit obsessing and belly aching about the bad characteristics and motivations of your cheating spouse and focus on what your going to do to make your life better and more fulfilling.
> When you boil it down, you being on a slow burn is not really about what they are. You keep beating yourself up because of your poor judgement or allowing yourself to be duped. Tell me I'm wrong.
> :wink2:


It is a process,and takes time. Many are grieving a huge loss.
And,I live a full and enjoyable life and just compartmentalize the hurt.
To the extent I can relay some of my knowledge about cheaters and NPDs,I continue to post.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

jorgegene said:


> i can identify with this.
> 
> I didn't really understand who my ex's were until long after the cheating and after much reflection.
> 
> ...


When I finally got it through my thick skull that they were not what I thought,
or what I wanted them to be and that they were their own individuals;
They did NOT share my values or my aspirations, then I finally found peace.


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

The surprising thing to me,now that I can spot the better,is the prevalence of these disorders. No way is it 2-4 percent.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> You know guys, at some point you really need to quit obsessing and belly aching about the bad characteristics and motivations of your cheating spouse and focus on what your going to do to make your life better and more fulfilling.
> When you boil it down, you being on a slow burn is not really about what they are. You keep beating yourself up because of your poor judgement or allowing yourself to be duped. Tell me I'm wrong.
> :wink2:


Belly-aching & obsessing? Nah @thephoenix. Nothing like letting a bit of steam off now & then, without harming others LOL, e.g., if I'm walking down the street & something reminds me, I end up picking up speed & muttering all sorts of cusses to myself. I end up laughing when somebody walks past, notices & crosses the street. It's healthy. I occasionally let fly here on TAM too when cheaters are discussed. 

Forcing oneself to bury the anger & say 'oh well, I'll just move on' with a shrug of the shoulders is impossible, artificial & counterproductive. There's no on/off button. Shame there isn't but we humans simply aren't built like that, the opposite in fact. For those who do R for example, it takes years. Sheesh! 

Deconstructing is necessary for closure as @michzz was doing and so is letting off some steam. TAM is a great forum for both among people who know & understand the territory. More importantly there's a bunch of encouragement and support on here for those BS making the trip back to a new life. 

I don't blame myself for being duped & nor should any BS. WS go to great lengths to hide what they're doing. Heck, most of them are very hard to catch & our hero @weightlifter 's standard evidence post has to be consulted with BS having to morph into a techie super sleuth. My ex still fools everyone. I couldn't expose for a few reasons but I will when the time comes. I can just imagine the shock when people are told. 

BS can offload the anger and deconstruct WHILE moving on. Those things aren't mutually exclusive. 

The WS bashing that goes on here sometimes? Heck it's healthy & well deserved for people who nuke others lives, with kids usually caught up in the mix. No harm in calling a spade a spade. I'm willing to do so anytime. 

PS Off topic but talking about bellyaching? I'll tell y'all what gives me personally a bellyache. . . when I hear chitter chatter about forgiveness. You hear it from therapists, read it in books, hear it on the media etc. A therapist once told me I'd feel much better if I could find it in my heart to forgive WS. You gotta be kidding me. Forgiveness my a$$. For they know not what they do? Cheaters know exactly what they're doing LOL. They ain't getting no forgiveness from me & I'm mighty happy with that stance.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

********** said:


> They ain't getting no forgiveness from me & I'm mighty happy with that stance.


They usually say forgiveness is for your own good more than theirs, to let go the pain N resentment. I see some truth to that but I also see your point. I believe I can continue R with my W but I no longer think forgiveness for her A as necessary.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Nomorebeans said:


> I agree, **********, jorgegene, and michzz.
> 
> I lost 25 years. And part of that was my own fault, because I refused to face what he really is. All kinds of people tried to tell me. My own parents, one of my brothers, my best friend - even his own sister and brother! And all this before the cheating (that I know about) started. All of these people, without exception, told me I deserved better - that he is all about himself, and I was going to be lonely in that marriage. I was. But I was also a masochist to the Nth degree - nearly a martyr.
> 
> ...


NMB

Your post made so much sense to me.
I'm down 33 years and I wish I could get angry so the hurt isn't so bad.
I have my own true narcissist and they really are evil.
I said the same thing to my brother yesterday, I don't think he ever loved me. But how do you accept something like that?
And mine said the same thing to me about the posow, I don't know if I love her, what is love anyway?
Just shallow sick pathetic people. He disgusts me.


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

********** said:


> Belly-aching & obsessing? Nah @thephoenix. Nothing like letting a bit of steam off now & then, without harming others LOL, e.g., if I'm walking down the street & something reminds me, I end up picking up speed & muttering all sorts of cusses to myself. I end up laughing when somebody walks past, notices & crosses the street. It's healthy. I occasionally let fly here on TAM too when cheaters are discussed.
> 
> Forcing oneself to bury the anger & say 'oh well, I'll just move on' with a shrug of the shoulders is impossible, artificial & counterproductive. There's no on/off button. Shame there isn't but we humans simply aren't built like that, the opposite in fact. For those who do R for example, it takes years. Sheesh!
> 
> ...


Perfectly stated. This is healthy,the venting etc. I suspect people that advise to move on,forgive etc.have good intentions but are misguided.
By most standards,my life is good. I make very good money,travel,nice girlfriend,great kids,etc. But no fuukking way do zI forgive a remorseless NPD cheater and I would have to be very mentally ill to do so.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

michzz said:


> When I realized that the "woman I married"* all those years ago had not changed, just my perception of her needed to shift to who she really has been all along,* then the processing of her multiple affairs became easier.


michzz,

We've been at TAM a while... Hmmm.

I know what you saying... I was married for 30 years to a woman I really didn't know at all. DD comes and I find more about her in 15 minutes than 30 years.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

RWB said:


> michzz,
> 
> We've been at TAM a while... Hmmm.
> 
> I know what you saying... I was married for 30 years to a woman I really didn't know at all. DD comes and I find more about her in 15 minutes than 30 years.


Yes. I mainly come here now to offer my own experience with someone as sneaky as my ex-wife. I don't consider myself to be stuck looking for answers at all.

Not bellyaching as one poster suggests.

I do believe still that each person offended by a spouse's action emotionally and physically, has their own timeline for processing the offense. 

It certainly is not up to someone else to call it a weakness to not move on (whatever that means) on a pace someone decides is right.

It may seem obvious to someone looking in from the sidelines to tell someone else to get over it and suck it up, you've spent too much time on this already.

I find that type of commentary to be nonuseful in my own life.

What I have found useful is the identifying of crappy behavior to those who wallow in indecision.

The laying out of strategies to either get a confession or just to leave a cheater. Those are good.

I arrived at my change in perception out of necessity.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

michzz said:


> Yes. I mainly come here now to offer my own experience with someone as sneaky as my ex-wife. I don't consider myself to be stuck looking for answers at all.
> 
> Not bellyaching as one poster suggests.
> 
> ...


:iagree:
Exactly @michzz.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

We are all the same person inside that we were back then, it's just some behaviors have had an opportunity to be exposed, whether positive or negative, and others not so much or never.


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## drifter777 (Nov 25, 2013)

We all do it. We fall in love and get married - we see what we want to see. None of us are as wonderful as our partner thought we were - we are not "Princesses" or "White Knights". The disappointment of real life drives many to find that exciting, romantic love with others. Then on d-day the WS tells the BS that they "weren't there for them" or "didn't pay enough attention to me" or some such bullsh*t.


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