# Is She hurting too?



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

My wife recently asked for a divorce after 18 years, which I have discussed in other threads, and I'm hurting. There was no infidelity or abuse, she just said she didn't have feelings for me anymore, wasn't happy, and wanted a divorce so she could get on with her life. She seemed depressed while we were still together and cried a lot, supposedly because she was so unhappy. There appears to be no other man, and she thinks once we are divorced she will be happy. She made the comment, "I want to hurry up and do this so I can move on with my life and be happy." My question is, could she really be happy now? Does the person who wants the divorce still go through the stages of grief and find it difficult emotionally, or are they truly happy? I also wonder, does a person really fall out of love if you once truly loved a person deep down, or does that love just get covered up by depression or other things and cause us to think we no longer care?


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

I know my wife has told me many times that she anguished over her decision for months and it was and is the hardest thing she's ever done. I know she's not happy now as the price she paid to ease her unhappiness was too high. I think sh'ed love to come home, but she has convinced herself that this is something she has to do even if it's killing her now.


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

as bad as it hurts and I am sorry for your pain but seriously - you have to respect her honesty! It takes a lot of tough love to break someone's heart like she had to do. 
Some people cope differently and she's probably in a rush so she doesn't have to keep feeling the guilt of divorce. Most divorces make people feel ashamed, guilty and heart broken so why drag out the process?! 
I know you hurt but please don't give up on love. IF she changes her mind down the road, great, but you've gotta roll forward and take care of yourself & your heart break. 
My parents divorced after 20 years and my Dad didn't take care of his emotions and ended up in vicious cycles of living in the past, blaming himself and wondering if she'd come back. Its unfortunate and so sad - but I will say this: EVERYONE deserves their own happiness and sense of well being. 
That said: yeah she may seem happy but that's because she is feeling the short term thrill of freedom from the emotional dark sides of your guys' marriage and the problems within it. After that wears off its hard to say how she will turn out. you're going to wear yourself out wondering if shes happy without you. Worry about if you're happy and how to get there again without her. Return to the man you were before the marriage - he's still there im sure! =) good luck and from the bottom of my heart: best wishes to a speedy recovery from a broken heart!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

lovelieswithin said:


> as bad as it hurts and I am sorry for your pain but seriously - you have to respect her honesty! It takes a lot of tough love to break someone's heart like she had to do.
> Some people cope differently and she's probably in a rush so she doesn't have to keep feeling the guilt of divorce. Most divorces make people feel ashamed, guilty and heart broken so why drag out the process?!
> I know you hurt but please don't give up on love. IF she changes her mind down the road, great, but you've gotta roll forward and take care of yourself & your heart break.
> My parents divorced after 20 years and my Dad didn't take care of his emotions and ended up in vicious cycles of living in the past, blaming himself and wondering if she'd come back. Its unfortunate and so sad - but I will say this: EVERYONE deserves their own happiness and sense of well being.
> ...


I appreciate the advice and best wishes. I'm sure a better day will come. It's just tough after 18 years of marriage; that's practically my entire adult life. The things that were "me" back then are probably different now that I'm 42. Missing the love of my life is tough. I read that divorce is the #2 most difficult thing to deal with behind the death of a spouse. Personally, I think death would have been easier to deal with. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I wish she had died, but just from a selfish standpoint, I think I could have handled it better because it would have seemed more natural and there would have been more closure; we would have parted in love as husband and wife. As it is, to know she is still out there but doesn't want me is unbearably painful. That may not make any sense.

Right now, the thoughts of being with someone else really turns my stomach. I'm not a social butterfly and the thoughts of starting over and going through the dating process again seems overwhelming.


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## Shelly29 (Oct 9, 2010)

southbound said:


> My wife recently asked for a divorce after 18 years, which I have discussed in other threads, and I'm hurting. There was no infidelity or abuse, she just said she didn't have feelings for me anymore, wasn't happy, and wanted a divorce so she could get on with her life. She seemed depressed while we were still together and cried a lot, supposedly because she was so unhappy. There appears to be no other man, and she thinks once we are divorced she will be happy. She made the comment, "I want to hurry up and do this so I can move on with my life and be happy." My question is, could she really be happy now? Does the person who wants the divorce still go through the stages of grief and find it difficult emotionally, or are they truly happy? I also wonder, does a person really fall out of love if you once truly loved a person deep down, or does that love just get covered up by depression or other things and cause us to think we no longer care?


WOW... I feel liek I am reading my life right now... Husband has been unhappy for a while (but I never found out, nor did he say anything) until he dropped the bomb 6 weeks ago and said he wanted a divorce. He is unhappy, doesnt want to be married, says it has nothing to do with me but with him and what he is dealing with internally. I also wonder if he is hurting... the way he is acting makes me feel he is quick to move on, as he was quick to say "Lets divorce" "Let me move out" Lets fill out papers" One after another its been a rush because he wants as he said one day "closure" and to move forward.... Its devestating and hurtful to see how is is acting very distant, cold and non-chalant....I wonder too if he is really hurting or if he has been checked out for awhile that he doesnt care anymore.

I think my H has depressive issues that he doesnt want to admit...I dont understand how someone can "not be inlove" anymore....if you are not working at it and nurturing the marriage...well its not gonna happen on its own. I feel like he doesnt want to give it a second chance, a chance to figure out why. Its his decision and no one can change his mind. Kinda sucks, so I hear you totally! I"m in the same boat and confused.


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## PaulM (Nov 29, 2010)

Kinda sucks, so I hear you totally! I"m in the same boat and confused. 


Ditto!


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## sbbs (Sep 21, 2009)

I'm sure your wife is hurting, too. People don't leave their spouses unless they already feel hurt, somehow. I'm sorry you're stuck going through this. 

She may be further along in mourning the demise of the marriage than you are, but that doesn't mean she's happy.

Is she willing to talk with you at all? Can you ask her how she feels, or at least find out from her friends and relatives how she's doing?


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## jcjohnson3 (Nov 30, 2010)

Man I feel your pain.. My wife left 5 weeks ago. She has been partying and drinking heavily every weeked, and a few nights in between. I also found out she met a guy the first weekend and has been with I'm every weekend and during the week. I still don't know how I'm that replaceable. Or how after 8 years she doesn't hurt at all. She has only sent me text messages, but most are how can we get this over faster so I can move on.

I don't have answers, but I can feel your pain!


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## Roderic (Apr 18, 2010)

I'm eight months down the same road, Southbound, and, for me, things actually feel worse. I spent a little time with my wife recently, sorting out her belongings at my mother's house. She has told me the she misses me, she cares for me, she thinks of me, she cries for me, that life is strange without me and that the day we got married was the best day of her life so far. She says that she still loves me in a different way, but she steadfastly avoids my suggestion for us to visit 'Relate', the UK counselling service, and she is forging ahead with her new life. She is disabled, and her dependence on me is now shared around her family. I think that 'independence' is a misnomer, and serves to cover up what it is she really wants, but she is not admitting that to anyone, least of all herself.

Even though she ran off to stay with the family of an internet 'friend' in South Africa, she has returned and said that there was nothing more than friendship. She craves independence and I feel that she believes her love for me gets in the way of that goal - therefore, it must be sacrificed. As per my own thread under this same heading, I believe that my lovely wife has 'chosen' not to love me so that these other goals can be enthusiastically addressed.

I know that I should be more positive when I speak to her or see her, but I am a broken man - she was my whole world and more.


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