# When do I give up and admit he wont ever really try?



## Marlo (May 14, 2015)

I've been with my husband for 8 years, married for 3. We're fairly young ourselves, both 25, but we have 2 young boys. I've been in this horrible cycle with my husband for what seems like our entire married life. He doesn't put in effort into any aspect of our life together. He doesn't really help with the children, he doesn't do any of the household chores, I have to deal with all the finances/budgeting, he doesn't put effort into our sexual life other then "quickies" and his desires, and he doesnt put effort into "us" connecting as a couple. I get so frustrated with him and end up sitting down with him and telling him the simple (?) things that I need. He'd do better for a little while and then but then would slip and we'd start the cycle over.

Some background: 

I started really getting fed up and considering divorce last year when our son was born. I had to have an emergency c-section and then stay in the hospital for 4 days with the baby. While I was in the hospital I asked for just 2 things: make sure the baby's crib was cleared and ready (we were storing a few things in it) and that we had clean sheets on our bed. That's it. When I got home the house was a mess from the 4 days I was away, the crib was partially cleared, and our bed had no sheets at all. So, still recovering from the surgery, I did everything including cleaning the house.Around the same time I learned that he had spent the money we'd gotten as a gift for the baby on video games (we had it set aside for a rocker so I could nurse by the crib) I blew up at him then and was admittedly angry at him (and showing it) for the first month or two of my child's life. 

Then I found a facebook message he had sent a friend saying that I was so mad at him and he thought I was going to leave him because of the money thing. His friend said "Dude return the games." My husband replied "I got a plan if she leaves Im going to get back with [his ex]." *typing this is making me so angry* I saw it and decided to leave. I told him I saw it, that I was leaving, and started planning. 

Ugh, re-reading this I dont even know why I'm still asking this question. Anyway, there were things I couldnt work around and had to live with him for 3 months following that conversation. During that time he started putting in effort again, while I basically pretended he didnt exist. He kept telling me he only said that because he was scared and didnt know what to do. We ended up having a big giant talk in which I told him specifically what i needed from him, what was and was not okay, and made him promise to go to marriage counseling with me. He agreed and I agreed to put the issue behind us and give it one last go.

Now its over a year later from when the big issue started and I feel like nothing has changed. He kept putting off marriage counseling and eventually I gave up on that. He still does not help with anything. He still puts no effort into us. I feel like we have nothing to talk about (and he's always on his phone looking at memes anyway) so I keep suggesting things we can do together- get fit, play games, learn something new, whatever that we can at least chat about, but no. 

Im at my wits end. I feel like Im raising a teenager instead of having a partner and husband. I feel like Im the only one trying. He says he loves me. He says he wants to try. Hes always talking about what he will do but when the time comes for action, nothing. We had the "please put in effort" conversation LAST WEEK. The day before Mother's Day he asked what I wanted. I said maybe breakfast in bed or to sleep in and for him to handle the kids arguments. That morning I had to get up with the kids, make them breakfast, ect. He came downstairs 2 hours later, at which point I went upstairs shut and locked the door and tried to not think about murder. 

Its time to give up right?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

23 years ago I found myself in the same situation - though I didn't have young kids yet. 
The thing is your husband is still growing up and doesn't have the maturity to handle a marriage let alone a family. You seem to be very capable and all together and do everything so why should he bother? 
There are many young men like this out there because they have simply gone from their mommas home to a marriage and never were really trained in the way of domestic matters, finances, etc. 

You have to be very specific about what you need and when - write it down if necessary. (i used to make lists of things to be done but my husband wouldn't do them and it would cause arguments, he would prefer to sleep in late and pay someone to do the housework - I let him as I was working full time and earned more than him)
You may well have a man on your hands that will only get it when he is in his 30s. Mine did.
Once something is his responsibility, don't do it (no matter how difficult it is not to step in). 
Make sure it it things that don't affect kid's hygiene or diet, etc though. 
If you cannot change the status quo then you may well have to kick him out or suggest separation.


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## Marlo (May 14, 2015)

aine said:


> 23 years ago I found myself in the same situation - though I didn't have young kids yet.
> The thing is your husband is still growing up and doesn't have the maturity to handle a marriage let alone a family. You seem to be very capable and all together and do everything so why should he bother?
> There are many young men like this out there because they have simply gone from their mommas home to a marriage and never were really trained in the way of domestic matters, finances, etc.
> 
> ...


I know that he may one day get it, but I also know he may not and I feel like Im wasting time on him. All of the stress of trying to fix our relationship and failing is changing me. Im so mean now, I have no patience with anyone anymore. I use to be the shy, quiet, helpful girl who follows more then leads and I MISS that person. I cant be her anymore because if I do, the whole house falls apart. 

I dont know what to do anymore. I've been specific, I've refused to bend until it started hurting the family. I'll say "Can you take care of the dishes?" And hell do the easy stuff (plates and silverware) and leave me all the pots and pans. I asked him to take care of the monthly bills once. Showed him my spreadsheet that specifically says which bills to pay on which days and how much. He paid every single bill that day instead of following the chart and our account went in the red for the first time in my life. I asked if he could scoop the poop outside as his "chore," then stopped worrying about it. A few weeks later we got fined for the mess in our yard and I went and scooped mounds of it. The only thing left is the downstairs half bath, he took it over with all his work stuff and I NEVER use it. I told him its his job to clean it since its his bathroom. Its so disgusting I feel like I need a shower everytime Im near it.

If he does laundry he only does HIS.
I have to remind him to feed the kids too when he makes his lunch.
When its his turn to put the kids to bed, its not unusual for me to walk upstairs and hear "Oh you better get in bed before your Mom gets up here" making me the bad guy EVERY TIME.

Ill admit, if Im honest with myself what I want is a better marriage with my husband. I want to feel loved and appreciated and not overwhelmed. I want to be able to let go sometimes and share the burden of raising kids and being an adult with my husband. I love him. I do really love him, but maybe love isnt enough. Maybe despite what he says he doesnt love me. Maybe he just stays with me because he knows he'd have to take care of himself if I left and hes scared of that. 

I just know that I dont like myself with him anymore and that I feel....trapped with him now.


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

Marlo,

I think your husband has two main problems - immaturity and resentment, and I think they're intertwined. He may be old enough to father your kids, but his actions are showing he's really a teenager like you said. I see resentment in all the passive aggressive stuff he's doing to avoid any of the things you've specified that you need him to do.

Aine had some good ideas about being specific about some of the things that you need him to do - to the point of writing them down. Problem is, that puts the onus back on you to clearly delineate what he needs to do, and I'm pretty sure that's not what you want.

I think it might be time for you to set some hard boundaries and live with them. For instance, tell him he needs to find counseling by July 1 and then come up with a consequence for it. I'd say a good consequence is you filing for divorce, and then following through on that if he can't show that he understands the importance of working on your marriage together.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

I agree with the above posters. Its sounds like he wasn't ready to get married.

You sound like you've done a good job of communicating requirements and he's just not capable.

By the way, this:



> If he does laundry he only does HIS.


...made me laugh and shake my head. My ex used to do this. He'd sort his laundry out of mine and the kids and just do his own. He also used to keep his own food in his own bedroom like a squirrel...he was a weirdo.

Anyway, I think when you get the point where you're doing everything yourself and you're consuming a lot of energy being angry while doing it, why bother?

I can tell you that I divorced my ex because I realized he was useless to me. I lost all emotional attachment to him pretty quickly in our marriage and, in addition, I was completely independent. I used to fantasize about how much easier my life would be if he wasn't around and I didn't have to cook for him, clean up after him or deal with him being in my space.

If I were you, I'd dual-path this. One, I'd keep trying with him to see if he can mature and be a better partner. And that will require you setting clear rules and time limits. 

And two, I'd start preparing yourself to separate. Prepare a budget based on your single income, get a support team together who can help you during the divorce process, start figuring out where you'd live and how you'd co-parent the children, get an advisory appointment with a lawyer, etc. I'd also do this privately and not let him know until the plan was in place.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

I agree, he's not ready to be a father. 

Guys should not have kids till their 30's. It's life changing at 25. Oh God, I was single/meeting woman/playing the field at that age. I did not have kids till 33. 

Those messages prove it. Already loving to get back with ex. 

Have a major talk with him laying it down. Ask him if he wants in or out. No half way. If he says in he needs to prove it. Man up, he has a kid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marlo (May 14, 2015)

Thank you all for the advice. I think giving him a deadline for actually going to counseling is a great idea. I want it to work with him, but if he cant or wont do that I think its time to call it quits. 

I dont think he doesnt do things as a passive aggressive thing. Its more that hes lazy or it doesnt even occur to him that not doing them puts extra strain on me. 

I think I have gotten to the point where I too see him as sort of useless (I feel horrible thinking that way). Im already taking care of everything myself....even my own sexual needs... whats the point of him? All hes doing is adding to my "to do" list. 

Tonight Ill sit him down and talk again. Ill give him a deadline, but start planning for if/when he doesnt follow through. Its hard because he joined the Army and I left my great job to follow him and then left another after our second son was born because my salary didnt cover daycare expenses. I dont know how Ill pick up and leave or where Ill go, or how to do it with children. I guess its time to start looking into it again.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> I think I have gotten to the point where I too see him as sort of useless (I feel horrible thinking that way). Im already taking care of everything myself....even my own sexual needs... whats the point of him? All hes doing is adding to my "to do" list.


I totally understand what you're saying. In fact, I swear its a mirror image of how I felt about my ex for a long time. I'm sorry for what you're going through...I know how tough it is to stay optimistic dealing with this everyday.

The only difference between my situation and yours is that my husband wasn't immature...he was a self-absorbed narcissist who told himself he was perfect and all the issues were imagined by me.

There's more hope for you because your husband can grow up, mature and learn how to be in a partnership. Mine had no hope of being fixable.

The bad news is that the resentment can build to the point that its impossible to reconcile. For me, I felt like a slave...for you, I'm sure you feel like his mommy. Its hard to get back from that after a certain length of time.



> Tonight Ill sit him down and talk again. Ill give him a deadline, but start planning for if/when he doesnt follow through. Its hard because he joined the Army and I left my great job to follow him and then left another after our second son was born because my salary didnt cover daycare expenses. I dont know how Ill pick up and leave or where Ill go, or how to do it with children. I guess its time to start looking into it again.


Best wishes. I hope you're able to find a resolution with him for your kid's sake. 

Good luck!!!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Always have a backup plan. Put together (and always keep) an emergency fund. Add to it every month (no matter how small the amount). Having a plan will keep you from feeling totally helpless. 

Hopefully, he'll grow up quickly if he thinks he's going to lose his family. But he may not. Be prepared either way.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

How did the talk go? You should write down all you have said here, it is pretty clear on what he is not doing to make your marriage work. He might be shocked at his own behaviour and how burdened you are. Husbands usually want their wives to be happy. I think he is immature and lazy, don't know about the resentment as he doesn't really have anything to be resentful about except perhaps the responsibility of a family?

If he doesn't get it after that then play hardball and ask him for a separation and for him to move out. Divorce is a bit premature as you have to give him time to change.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Marlo said:


> I've been with my husband for 8 years, married for 3. We're fairly young ourselves, both 25, but we have 2 young boys. I've been in this horrible cycle with my husband for what seems like our entire married life. He doesn't put in effort into any aspect of our life together. He doesn't really help with the children, he doesn't do any of the household chores, I have to deal with all the finances/budgeting, he doesn't put effort into our sexual life other then "quickies" and his desires, and he doesnt put effort into "us" connecting as a couple. I get so frustrated with him and end up sitting down with him and telling him the simple (?) things that I need. He'd do better for a little while and then but then would slip and we'd start the cycle over.
> 
> Some background:
> 
> ...


YES......don't look back


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

@Marlo, do you both work? Just trying to get an idea for the balance of labor in the home. Is he a good provider and is his work very demanding?

Even if he works and you are a SAHM, your husband seems unable to work as a part of the family unit and is very selfish. Therapy now or divorce how seems to be the answer. 

Right now, he has all the power in the relationship by virtue of him not giving a damn. He has you hopping around trying to make things right and he is just playing defense to get by day by day and issue by issue. This is what you get when the status quo is to the selfish advantage of one partner in a dysfunctional relationship. 

If he really has to face divorce he might decide he does give a damn, or he might just not fight which means he really does not care. Either way you have your answer.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

ScrambledEggs said:


> @Marlo, do you both work? Just trying to get an idea for the balance of labor in the home. Is he a good provider and is his work very demanding?
> 
> Even if he works and you are a SAHM, your husband seems unable to work as a part of the family unit and is very selfish. Therapy now or divorce how seems to be the answer.
> 
> ...


I agree with this. 

Your husband is immature, selfish and lazy. I'm not hopeful that he will ever change. 

Do you rent?

If so, do you have a place you could go with your kids (i.e. your parents) during a separation? Sounds to me like he needs a HUGE wake-up call, but even then.....I don't know....this guy just does not sound like husband and father material. 

Does he show any initiative at work?


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## Marlo (May 14, 2015)

Answering some questions and giving an update!



ScrambledEggs said:


> @Marlo, do you both work? Just trying to get an idea for the balance of labor in the home. Is he a good provider and is his work very demanding?


I am a SAHM right now and he's active duty military. I get that I should be doing 90-99% of the household duties and child rearing because its my "job," but the no help at all is horrible. He is infantry so when he goes out to the field or has overnight duty of course I dont care if he comes home and sleeps all day, plays video games, or does whatever to relax all day. He should! But he goes out in the field maybe once every 2-3 months and has overnight duty maybe once a month. When I ask about his regular day he's usually either been at the gym all day, stayed "out of the way" which means sat in his car and listened to music/watched youtube, gone to a friends barrack room and played video games, or occasionally done paperwork or cleaning the motorpool. 

Before he joined he was a SAHD to our then 1 year old and I worked and went to school full time. During that time I still cooked all the meals, did all the budgeting, did the majority of the cleaning, all the errands/driving cause he didnt have a license, and all the hard parts of childrearing (weaning, sleep training, getting routines down ect). 

HOW THE CONVO WENT:
It was very short. This isnt exact but how I remember it.
Me: Do you really want our relationship to work?
Him: Yeah
M:Why? Because of us as a couple or youre scare to be alone?
H:Us as a couple! And...and Im scared
M: I dont think its fair for us to stay together miserable just 
because we're scared.
H:*long period of silence while I wait for him to communicate*
M:Im tired of waiting, Im tired of being unhappy, Im tired of 
giving you "last chances." If you want this to work you need 
to prove it. We need to be in marriage counseling by August 
15th or Im leaving on August 16th. You need to set it up 
because we have to work around your work.
H: Okay...I know I said it before but Ill do it.

And that was it. We went out and purchased a relationship workbook to do together in the meantime. We're not even through chapter 1 and he's already complained about the tasks or done them, in my opinion, half-assed. I dont have a lot of hope left. Ive decided I wont nag at him about if he's spoken to the chaplin or whoever he has to speak with to get us counseling. Last time I asked him everyday and it got me nowhere. This time if he doesnt do it, its his fault.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

You gave him plenty of time. Clearly he is immature. Start planning your life not without him now. It is easy enough to cancel those plans. I suspect you will know well in advance and non-emergency counseling probably takes at least a few weeks to schedule. Good Luck.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

I think a part of him believes that you will not leave him, you have not so far. So he is going through the motions, thinking it will placate you. Unfortunately, your threats are hollow to him at the present.

If you look at your pattern and his, he is confident that it will continue. He probably believes that you're just going through these issues now and in time it will blow over again.

Does that sound about correct?

You, my friend are a classic walk-away spouse waiting to happen. You're in an adult relationship with one partner lacking the emotional maturity of an adult. Before you can even work on the relationship, go through the emotional anger and resentment, he has to mentally mature first. Without that, you're just dealing with symptoms and the cause will allow more and more symptoms to flare up.

He needs individual counseling first before you can work on your relationship issues.

In the mean time, prepare yourself mentally to leave. Come up with a plan to achieve those goals. There is no absolute guarantee of success or failure, it is smart to be prepared.


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## Marlo (May 14, 2015)

Mr.Fisty said:


> I think a part of him believes that you will not leave him, you have not so far. So he is going through the motions, thinking it will placate you. Unfortunately, your threats are hollow to him at the present.
> 
> If you look at your pattern and his, he is confident that it will continue. He probably believes that you're just going through these issues now and in time it will blow over again.
> 
> ...


:iagree: 100%. I know its my fault because I keep letting the cycle continue. Im sure he thinks this will blow over like it has in the past, why shouldnt he? Ive never really, really left. I had to google walk-away wife, but it does sound like me


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