# Controlling Behaviour



## Sven_018 (Dec 10, 2010)

I work away from home and dont speak to my wife as much as I would like. When I do I sometimes get in a sulk/mood if I find she has been having a life and doesnt tell me. I accused her of keeping secrets. I feel like I just want to be important to her and be involved and part of her life but she finds it controlling and smothering.

Its like being jealous but not of actual people but the fact Im not the centre of her attention. I miss her so much but now she want a divorce.

Whe she had been taking private tennis lessons and met an old work colleague for lunch I went in a mood as I hadnt spoken to her for a while and she when I did she hadnt mentioned anything. Thats when I got moody and asked if her secrets were worth it. I was unreasonable but not nasty.As she has put up with this for years she flipped.

I see my colleagues whose wives phone, email and text them and was jealous of them and took it out on my own wife.

I dont want to be controlling just happily married, how can I counsel myself.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Tell her you know you've been controlling, and you're willing to own and admit that and really work on it.
Tell her you're willing to go to counseling on your own OR with her.
Tell her you're not excusing what you know was wrong and drove her away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sven_018 (Dec 10, 2010)

Im going down that road. I may be too late but Im trying.
Also I will say that I didnt think I was acting too bad, as I wasnt angry just sulking. Then she says Im in denial.
My working away and insecurity must have taken its toll. I might not think Im being too unreasonable its just it doesnt take much to bring back memories of when I used to be younger and when I know I wasnt a nice person at all. She has put up with a lot of my moods.
Apart from my insecurity I need to build her confidence back. Thats gonna be a hard one.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

You got in this together.

That's how you'll be able to put it to rest.

Don't take it all on. Supportive, but not superman.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

People need attention. Even when your work takes you away, you still need to communicate as regularly as possible. I managed to contact my wife almost daily from Iraq for over a year (twice). The heart has a short memory. Withholding attention, affection, or sex, are popular tactics but they often backfire. It's tempting enough to stray even when a marriage is going great. Why give your spouse a valid reason to turn to someone else for comfort or support? You say you don't think "sulking" is as bad as "anger". Would you rather be a dog that is fussed at and fed or one that is completely ignored and starved? I would rather fight daily like cats and dogs than live with someone who wouldn't look at me or talk to me. If someone screams at you, at least they recognize that you exist and care enough to at least yell. Ignoring someone is cruel and dehumanizing.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Sven_018, you are in denial like your wife says. You have given us only a very small picture of the story because you know what you've done and don't want anyone to judge you. The fact is though if you are being controlling in any particular instance for any particular reason, then you are being controlling in other, if not all, ways because very simply you are a controlling person.

Your contradictions also indicate you are in denial........
_I was unreasonable but not nasty

I dont want to be controlling just happily married

I didnt think I was acting too bad, as I wasnt angry just sulking

I might not think Im being too unreasonable its just it doesnt take much to bring back memories of when I used to be younger and when I know I wasnt a nice person at all_

So, your wife put up with all of this and "_has put up with a lot of my moods_" and you expect her to WANT to talk to you? You really think she WANTS to "_phone, email and text_" you throughout the day to receive all this crap and a lot of your moods? After you made sure she does not want to talk to you, then you decide to FORCE her to talk you. And when you cannot force her from such a distance, you think up some way to berate and belittle her by accusing her of doing something......and ensure she never wants to talk to you again. All for the purpose of having a happy marriage.

You will only succeed at convincing yourself that you are controlling to be happy. It's more like you are happy to be controlling. Honestly, Sven_018, you are typical of men who are controlling. Now that your wife is fed up and ready to go, you acknowledge that she says you are controlling but never admit to being controlling. You think you have *reason* for your behavior.....and you want to counsel yourself. 

There is no hope for your marriage if you do not admit to being a control freak because there is never, ever any *reason* you can contrive for trying to control another person, and if you do not seek counseling. Your wife is right to want a divorce. She should have left long ago. But there may be a chance to prevent divorce if you really want to save your marriage and if you sincerely want it to be a happy one. 

There is a very big difference between thinking you can further control your wife by convincing her you have changed by your own self counsel, as opposed to seeking therapy by a professional in order to actually change.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

My boyfriend is a truck driver, so he is gone a lot, too. I'll tell you the truth: I love talking to him. My daily phone calls with him last hours, and I look forward to them every day. But if he was constantly in a bad mood, accusing me of things, and being nasty toward me, I wouldn't want to talk to him, either. I'd start avoiding his calls and not tell him what I was doing. Not because I don't love him, but because I don't want to be accused of doing stuff I'm not doing (keeping secrets) or being treated poorly because he's in a mood. 

Now, I'm not saying you should be all full of sunshine whenever you call, but if you aren't happy at least some of the time, she's not going to talk to you. And accusing her of things...bad idea. Just because you aren't there and she doesn't tell you every little detail of what she does doesn't mean she's keeping secrets. I do tell my boyfriend most of what I do (heck, most of what I do, he's on the phone with me, so he knows anyway), but I don't necessarily tell him about every trip to pick up milk or every lunch I have with friends. 

He trusts me. He trusts me not to keep big secrets, he trusts me not to be doing things that would hurt our relationship or him. I don't do anything to betray that trust, and he knows that. So he doesn't question me on everything I do. You need to learn to do the same. 

Trust your wife. Trust that she loves you and is not keeping secrets; she just doesn't feel the need to tell you every last little thing she does. When you call her, just ask how her day has been and what she has been up to. Tell her how your day has been and what you have been up to. Make it a conversation, not an interrogation. Don't get pouty when she tells you about things she has done without you; it's a good thing! It shows she's independent and has her own life, which gives her things to bring to the relationship.


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## Sven_018 (Dec 10, 2010)

You dont take any prisoners do you River1977. I deserve most of it.
The self council thing is because Im away from home quite a bit. When I am home we normally go on vacation so I dont get much chance to go to professional counselling.
Ive mentioned to my wife I would like to go to counselling and also try to spend more time at home.
Im not an expert but if my contradictions signify denial then thats the type of feedback I could be looking for but I dont see much solution in your words. If counselling is the only option I would jump at it.
Anyway, thanks for the feedback.


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## Sven_018 (Dec 10, 2010)

Wendy, that captures how I want to be. Sometimes I think I am like that but expect its part denial as you dont always reliase the effect certain behaviour has on loved ones.
I do know that I couldnt work away if I didnt really trust her but the baby type moods kill it all off.
Thanks


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

is it unreasonable that she can have life out side of you, not a "secret life" i mean like she has movies she likes to watch, what about her eating things you dont like, my h hates the way i eat french toast, no prob i will eat it when he is gone..

if she got a net-flix, or ti-voed a thing, or watched something on demand, would you go behind her and see and question she in a dark room on a stool and shine a light in her face????????????

well thats what you are doing, i too like truckersgal, love to talk or text my h all day, but if he is in a mood i will "forget" to check my phone...why would you want to speak to someone who takes away my sunshine, wipes the smile right off my face.

chill back off, i tell my h everything, in my own time, let your wife come to her own mind set to tell you about her day...


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I totally understand why your wife didn't tell you about her lunch with the old colleague. I wouldn't have either. And I'm not one to keep "secrets". If I'm doing nothing wrong, I don't want to listen to the accusations and snide remarks. 

How many people need to tell you that you're in denial before you understand? You come in asking for advice, and when it's not what you want to hear, then you have no use for it. I've found that most of the people on this board aren't going to tell you what you want to hear. That's what I like about them. They will give you honest, genuine advice and maybe a wake up call or two. Or ten. 

There are some pretty darned smart people here on this board. You're able to pretty much get opinions and advice from all kinds. I wouldn't discount someone's advice so quickly.

You need counseling. You're not going to be able to root out and fix what causes you to be a controlling person. Your wife probably knows more about it than you do. She just can't control what you do. If that divorce is granted...are you going to look back and wish you'd found a way to get some counseling? You can't postpone/cancel a vacation to get some help to save (maybe) your marriage? And recognizing that you're in denial WOULD be a step in the right direction toward a solution. Good luck.


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## Sven_018 (Dec 10, 2010)

I didnt discount any advice at all. I was agreeing and I said I deserved most of it. Ive spent a couple of days researching counselling places and cut this current work rotation short so I can go back home to work it. I acknowledge the denial.
As for the vacation comment, thats either a cheap shot or you have taken my words incorrect. Actually on numerous occasions when I go on leave its my wife who insists we go on vacation when I would rather spend some time in my own house. As the family prefer to go on vacation a few times a year then I also get into the spirit. If I had the option of doing something that would help me make amends or help to build back some broken fences........it would be a no brainer. Ive almost lost my job at the moment as Ive said Ive nearly lost my wife and I need to readdress my priorities. Everything else is not on the map right now except try to change my lifestyle so to make my wife trust me emotionally. I dont want to paper over the cracks with a quick fix but get down to the root cause and change the way I act by recognising these areas and learning before its too late.
Basically you are way off the mark about discounting advice. Im looking at how to use it and learn and hopefully get back on track.


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

Sven_018 said:


> I work away from home and dont speak to my wife as much as I would like. When I do I sometimes get in a sulk/mood if I find she has been having a life and doesnt tell me. I accused her of keeping secrets. I feel like I just want to be important to her and be involved and part of her life but she finds it controlling and smothering.
> 
> Its like being jealous but not of actual people but the fact Im not the centre of her attention. I miss her so much but now she want a divorce.
> 
> ...


Sven: I can relate to your dilemma. My husband thinks I am being controlling when I am just trying to communicate and connect. I like to call, ask what's he doing... What his plans are for the day... Talked to anyone interesting about anything interesting....I wasn't sure how wanting to be a bigger part of his life could be controlling or intrusive since I am his wife?!?!? It's hard to to accuse someone of misconduct when they refuse to let you in! You ask Why aren't the being open...what are they hiding? That obliviously leads them to close up more and you to suspect more. It seems to be a vicious cycle, which I think can only be broken with communication. Try to tell your wife that you trust her but you miss being with her and just want to be a part of her life.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

Sven_018 said:


> I work away from home and dont speak to my wife as much as I would like. When I do I sometimes get in a sulk/mood if I find she has been having a life and doesnt tell me. I accused her of keeping secrets. I feel like I just want to be important to her and be involved and part of her life but she finds it controlling and smothering.
> 
> Its like being jealous but not of actual people but the fact Im not the centre of her attention. I miss her so much but now she want a divorce.
> 
> ...


I am a product of a husband who is very controlling and honestly, after 18yrs of being together, I'm reasearching and trying to self help and learn how to emotionally gain back my confidence and self worth to stand my own ground and do what what feel right for myself and my daughter...that's move on and out of the marriage.

If this is all somewhat 'newly' developed in your relationship, nip it in the hiney now! It has gone on way to long for me and I'm at a point of no return. Sadly, I'm slowly learning it's been going on and I've been oblivious to it...or chose to view that it wasn't 'anything' and that I as a 'wife' I'm expected to hold the relationship in place as if my life depends on it. I go along with everyting he says and does to not 'rock the boat' regardless if I feel it's right or not. Do not let this go on. Listen to her, I mean really listen with open mind, no blinders.

My H and I were connected at hip. I worshiped him, gave him my full undivided attention for many years. I was the jealous one and he loved it. For some reason, over last few years, I've grown and changed to not have that 'need' or feeling of wanting to be that way. It's almost like we have reversed. He is that way with me now. I first chalked it up to me approaching 40, he 50. Well, now that I actually am 40, he 51, it's even worse. He has told me within the last week he wants me to worship him like before. He likes when I'm jealous of him, he likes me always wanting to know what he's saying and to whom. I does not want anyone else, other than our DD to have my attention, espeically if it's away from him. It has come down to where he has gone to great lengths and made drastic changes in religon, etc. I have no desire anymore. I love him, worry about him being alone, feel bad that I'm hurting him the way I am. But I need to live for me now. After 18yrs there has been no compromise. In his defense, I've never asked for it or qusetioned it. Until about a year or two ago. He feels he has compromised enough. Why? 1) he married me when he swore he wouldn't due to our ages becuase of 2) me deserving to have children and he wanted none. So...because he has accomplished those two things with me, those are his compromises and he views those to be enough for the rest of our lives.

So...I too am wanting to move out of this marriage. The guilt eats me alive everyday but I keep praying someday I will be fine and happy. I'm a very social person, he is not. I no longer want to put my like and connections with the outside world on hold or not have it at all for that matter. 

I guess my point out of my winded post here is IF she feel there may be a chance of rekindling....LISTEN with open mind! HEAR what she is saying...feeling and do not view it as she is being selfish or disrespectful. That adds more resentment to your controlling demeanor.


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## hohum (Dec 14, 2010)

This thread has been a real eye opener for me. My SO thinks I am controlling, I think I am showering them with love. We're only 3 years married been together 6 years but I think I've wrapped in cotton wool and prevented growth.

I'm now trying to save my marriage, I hope its not too late but as I said this thread has really opened my eyes to how she feels...it has gone this far because she/we haven't communicated for the past 9 months (various reasons but mainly working too hard and forgetting to play) 

I believe our marriage is worth saving because what we had was so special, but I realise I have made many mistakes and my way of showing love was wrong. I hope I can make them see that too.


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## Tiredspouse0297 (Dec 9, 2010)

Exactly. If you asked my husband he says "I treat you like a princess". Sure, if the princess is locked up in a tower. At first you feel loved and worshiped but like Emotional, after five years together I began to see what it really was. Control. It's very subtle and wrapped up in a big red bow like it's just them loving you! If you start to feel badly or negatively about them you wonder what's wrong with you. Well I'm tired of it too, I don't know if this marriage can be saved since I've had it up to my eyeballs. Control is devastating to a marriage.


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## hohum (Dec 14, 2010)

Tiredspouse0297 said:


> Exactly. If you asked my husband he says "I treat you like a princess". Sure, if the princess is locked up in a tower. At first you feel loved and worshiped but like Emotional, after five years together I began to see what it really was. Control. It's very subtle and wrapped up in a big red bow like it's just them loving you! If you start to feel badly or negatively about them you wonder what's wrong with you. Well I'm tired of it too, I don't know if this marriage can be saved since I've had it up to my eyeballs. Control is devastating to a marriage.


I can totally understand that, but it was never ever my intention to control. My SO was extremely vulnerable when we first started living together. We had to deal with issues with her family and she sought counselling to cope with that. I _thought_ I was reassuring her that I loved her, I thought I was giving her what she craved. I thought I was doing the right thing and that if she was vulnerable because she didn't feel wanted by her mother that she would not have to feel vulnerable with me as I did want her.

I encouraged her to create her own social network, I never went on nights out with her and her new friends as I wanted her to be independent. She now says she didnt feel confident enough and wanted me to go too. 

To be honest the sheer pressure of making sure she was always ok, putting her first, making sure she knew I was there was to the detriment of my own relationships/friendships out with our relationship and was too much at times, I was relieved when she started finding friends.

Now after she has been away for almost 1 week we have finally discussed all of this. At first I couldn't understand but I most certainly do now...as I said it was never ever my intention to be controlling, I never thought for 1 second that I was however I take on board what she has said.

If I need to seek counselling to save my marriage I will, I am more than happy for her to have her own life and I have always preached this to her.

I'm just gutted that it has all gone so far, I wish we had spoken about this sooner. 

For her part she is questioning whether or not she is still in love with me, she says she has no clue, she doesn't think we should have 'issues' after just 6 years.

I tend not to agree and feel that now all of this is out in the open and we are both now aware of how we feel and how we have behaved that we really should give it a try again. She on the other hand is afraid we'd just be wasting our times and we'd end up hating each other further down the line.

I just think that all this miscommunication has totally derailed our marriage.

I love my wife more than anything and more than anything I want her to grow and be happy. If that can only happen without me then fair enough but I believe if we dont try just once then we will both live our lives full of regret, because as I said, we both know how in love we were for so many years before this and it was a very special love. I just messed up in what I thought she wanted


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

No, I disagree with all this.

You are guilty only of putting your woman a pedestal, and being too "nice guy". 

Stop trying to give this woman every thing you thinks she wants. 

Nothing will drive a woman away from a man faster than this.

The "controlling talk", in this case it is a distraction that your woman is trying to blame you for her own shenigans.

Taking "private" tennis lessons, having "private" lunches with other men, and having the nerve to call you "controlling" because you express concern over such nonsense? This is beyond outrageous! 

If you are unwilling to tolerate such disrespectful behavior, then stand up and say so. 

Do NOT tuck tail and beg and plead and apologize for your own honest feelings. 

Whatever you think such behavior may accomplish, that will NEVER work to maintain respect and attraction and honest dialogue in a relationship.

My advice, tell your woman HELL NO you are not tolerating all these "private" shenanigans with other men, and that as her husband, you simply appreciate and expect the proper respect and consideration due her husband concerning his wife's own behavior.

Also, set up marriage counciling yourself, for both of you, and tell her when and where is the appointment and you two can discuss these things as adults with the goal of saving the marriage. If she will not go, regardless, attend the councilling yourself.

Do NOT let her drop the blame for her own poor behavior and decision making in your lap. Do NOT FALL for that trap!

I wish you well.


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