# feeling used, unequal money situation..



## Brokenbear (Mar 14, 2011)

Hey everyone

Just abit of a vent and question about what to do..

So my hubby when I first met him did not show many signs of being a stinge, he made the occassional comment here and there about things being expensive but I didnt think anything of it..

However after moving in together things changed - a lot!!

1. he is constantly saying how expensive things are and will refuse to buy some items and will say things such as "we dont need that" or just not give money for it at all (I was unemployed for a while and had nothing to offer towards the item) I do not think the things I am requesting is such a big deal and is ok for me to ask for or suggest these items.

2. He will refuse to go to the doctors when he is ill or has an injury claiming "it's too expensive" but yet will spend literally thousands of dollars on a TV when we already have one that works just fine?!

3. He often claims "a car is just to get from A to B, who cares what they look like" yet is about to purchase a car worth $30,000 and I have been trying to show him cars that are similar or just as good but perhaps a different brand and often cheaper but he will NOT even look at them, he is totally insisting on buying this car because "it's better than those crappy cars" he says, and will use everything in his bank account for it, after he buys it he will have nothing left in his savings for anything else. This car is also a 4wd, we dont need a 4wd, he will not use it as we never go anywhere and we only need one car anyway, we could benefit from having two cars but we have survived with one car for almost two years.

4. He has 30grand in his bank account but he refuses to buy new furniture, he has got a couch that is 20years old with holes in it and the same with lots of other items that are old or not working well and he will refuse to buy new items but is insisting on buying a car that we dont need. 

5. He is constantly saying he wants a holiday and wants to travel overseas and has plenty of money to do so but will refuse to go. He holds a grudge against me because he had planned on using his savings and taking off to travel all around the world and work overseas on a visa for two or more years however less than 6 months before he intended to take off overseas he met me, fell in love and decided not to go. I told him when we met that if thats what he wanted I would support that but I would not go with him as that is not what I want and feel comfortable with. He chose me yet constantly complains that he hasnt gone overseas. I have given him lots of options and choices and encouraged him to travel, I have even said he can go for a month or two if thats what he wants, I really dont mind. I want him to be happy but he says he wont go without me, I dont want to go, I have a job, security and stability here and am not that interested in going the places he wants to go. As I mentioned before, he is refusing to go and says "it's too expensive to go for a week or a month, I want to move there, I'm not wasting my money for a week or a month". Sorry, but what the hell? It's his dream to go overseas, wouldnt going for a week or a month be better than not going at all?

6. Since I gained employment I have found I am now paying for just about everything, bills, food and anything else like movies or activities we do together. He is quite happy staying at home all weekend and often has to be begged to go out and his excuse most of the time is "it's too expensive". If we do go out it is often if I say "I will pay". Another thing he always insists on is asking everybody else for things, other people to bring food or asking his parents or friends for a lift, even if it means the person going out of their way. I am quite happy to pay for a taxi but he always insists on calling someone else. He is also quite happy to refuse to go out with me because "it's too expensive" yet whilst I am at work one night he went out with his mates, catching a taxi to and from the event and also spent $200 on the same night, drinking and partying with his mates?!

7. In regards to the above comment, we have an arrangement where we take turns paying groceries, I pay one week he pays the next. whenever I ask him to use his money to pay he will question me, why is it so expensive? or didnt i pay last week? and will then insist on checking his bank account to see when was the last time he gave me money for groceries.

8. when I was unemployed if I ever needed anything I practically had to beg to get it. I sprained my ankle at one point and needed crutches yet he told me "im sure it's not that bad, just walk on it". I had to beg him to take me to the physio and the physio confirmed I needed crutches. He then complained about how much it cost to hire crutches.

I try to support him as much as I can and try not to complain to him about his preferences and the cost of things etc but I fail to understand how he can insist on buying brand name clothing and a really expensive TV, Car etc but refuse to buy things that benefit US and support both of us. For example refusing to pay for medical neccessities or buy a new couch when he has plenty of money to do so. I feel like Im fighting a losing battle and I have really had enough. I am considering divorce at this stage because I just do not see him changing any time soon.

Does anyone have any suggestions? Sometimes I feel like I am being used.. I just feel the situation is really unfair and not at all equal yet if I bring this up with him he either denies it or will justify his reasons for buying the expensive items (TV) and not purchasing a new couch.. What can I do?

I have tried asking nicely, I have tried making suggestions to him, I have tried begging and pressuring him, I have tried doing 50/50 options where we both sacrifice etc but nothing seems to work. 

I know a marriage is supposed to be equal etc and I know he has tried to support me when I was unemployed but I really dont know how much more I can take of this. I have gotten things I want from him, eg a holiday by begging and demanding but in the end I dont feel good about it because I feel like a bully. I dont know how else to live a happy, healthy life if I am the one that pays for everything and this has to be a constant stress? Maybe I am making too much out of this but I am just so over the whole greed and selfishness of it all. 

He is totally unwilling to share or sacrifice and if we do something it is always me who pays. He is sitting on heaps of money and will do nothing with it and is also saving tonnes every week while all my money is going on HIM!


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

The entire 'my money, your money' thing is to me, one of the worst things. 

You are married right? Forever right? Why, for gods sake... are you divided on who pays for the groceries? Thats insanity.

Obviously, he has different items on his 'shopping list' than you do.. such as that car - but this issue is not going to resolve until the two of you get to the point of full trust and commitment in the relationship includng cash.

It took us a couple years to get over the feelings of loss of control and independance (I think she more than I) - but eventually we just got joint bank accounts and that was the end of it. Nobody feels like they are the ones 'paying' for somethng because it comes out of the 'general fund'.

I suppose if the wife decided she was going to go out and - to use your example - buy a bunch of furniture without saying anything, that would be a problem. But we have long past the point where that could happen... if there is something we need or want.. we prioritize it and agree.

Its not always easy... she is very capable of booking plane tickets for her and the kids o go visit family without even saying anything. When that happens sometimes my initial reaction inside is anger.. but when I think about it a bit more it is more hurt and disappointment that I wasnt involved. Then, if I think more about it I cant blame her one bit because her family is far away and why is going to see them a bad thing? Then finally I know I am not the thriftiest of people either and all my arguments sort of evaporate and I have nothing to say.

For example - I have bailed out family members for very large sums of money and we talked about it briefly, but I have no doubt that she realized that I feltlike I hade little choice.. and (she is an angel) just says "OK" and thats it. I am not so sure I would be as accomodating if the shoe were on the other foot, but make no mistake - her trust in me is never forgotten.

---

I really believe money is the root of a pretty big portion of problems in many marriages. The ideas of 'im supporting them' or feelings of resentment caused by having to cajole and ask for money from the 'keeper of the purse' is just simply corrosive in a very big way. Dont even get me started on the headgames and power problems this creates... feelings of inadequacy, imprisonment.. and on the other side what... feeling like you are carrying dead weight? Marriage is about equals as persons... and not about who brings home the bigger check.

In my case, maybe its easier though. I make significantly more than she does so it just makes sense... but I NEVER thought of it as 'im buying the groceries and paying the electric bill and 'what have YOU done to help pay?' never enters into the equation. She works, I work. Now, she works part time cause we have kids, but honest - she works harder than I do now... and under just as demanding a tyrant... kids!

Im not sure how you handle it though. How long have you been married? You (he) somehow needs to get past the entire 'mine' mindset and what looks like a sense of entitlement because he wants that new 4WD stud-car and, well, its mostly if not all 'his' money. (rolleyes).


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Wow, he is STINGY! I can certainly see that he is hard to deal with because of that. 

He sounds rather selfish - it's okay if he gets a nice car that he wants, but not ok if you get what you want. Have you thought of talking to a marriage counselor, who could maybe talk to him and make him see he's being selfish?

Also, the whole living overseas thing is his deal. If he wanted to do that instead of be with you, he should have done that. I would ask him if he has changed his mind and would rather do that than be with you? 

I have a friend who used to drive me crazy being cheap. She would spend a ton on going out sometimes, but would also try to get guys (who she had no interest in) buy her drinks. She would leave her money and purse at home and try to get others to pay her way. She drove a old, falling apart car until it died, though. It was such a jalopy, I refused to ride in it. The car scared me. I always insisted on driving my own...haha.

Another thing you can do is hand him some of the bills and tell him to pay them. i handle all the finances at my house and I have to tell my husband when he needs to pay something (we have separate bank accounts). He isn't stingy - just doesn't realize what needs to be paid. Now, I pay a good amount myself...but he puts in his part too.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Your just not matched up correctly.


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

Brokenbear said:


> Hey everyone
> 
> Just abit of a vent and question about what to do..
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

What do you want? He's unlikely to change--so what can anyone tell you that will help? You can try to compromise, you can try to accept him the way he is, or you can leave. There are no other options. 

You need to decide what you want and to take ACTION in that direction. Tell him what you want and make appointments to make that happen--counseling, for example, or at the bank to create a joing account if that is something you are willing to compromise on (you could totally merge all accounts, or have a joint one into which each of you puts most of your money, but then each of you gets to keep 10-20%, or whatever, for yourself in a separate account). 

Ultimately, he has no reason to change anything if you accept the way things are (as you seem to have done).


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

I don't see this guy changing - why should he - he has a great life with you paying all the bills. I've been there and done that...I don't see any changes in your future. I have had this happen to me twice - I would never allow it again. My suggestion is insist on changes and if they don't occur, move on. I hate to say that...but do you really want to live your life like this?


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## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

I don't normally curse..but HELL NO! I would not dare be paying all the bills in addition to picking up the slack on groceries. OMG, I have soooo many expletives going through my head right now. He is selfish in the fact is a PP said, he can buy nice things for himself, while half assed supporting his own household. Nope nope nope. If you all want to do the my money his money thing, I say do that. In the long run it doesn't work, but he's going to have to realize that. He needs to buy his own groceries, and you buy yours. You all also split those bills equally down the middle 50%, no more no less. I know in my household, both of our incomes are ESSENTIAL to making sure the household is taking care of so doing exact splitting does not work. Sometimes I have to cover the gas bill this month, sometimes he covers is the next, all depends. But your husband wants act like he's not married, not be unified, and be selfish. He wouldn't be doing that on my dime. Let him spend his money, fine. Just make sure not to have any kids, because when that happens, you can't do what you want to do with YOUR money.



tennisstar said:


> I don't see this guy changing - why should he - he has a great life with you paying all the bills. I've been there and done that...I don't see any changes in your future. I have had this happen to me twice - I would never allow it again. My suggestion is insist on changes and if they don't occur, move on. I hate to say that...but do you really want to live your life like this?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

From what you have written it sounds like a control thing to me. He seems to only spend money when he deems it worthwhile. This doesn't sound like he's stingy, purchasing the car etc ...it contradicts some of the other things you have written. So to me, it could be about control. Or perhaps he's able to afford those larger purchases because of being frugal in other areas.

Forgive me for asking this, but the flip side to this that I just can't help wonder is - how are you with money? Is there any reason that perhaps he doesn't trust your suggestions that revolve around money? Did you have debt when you got married, and/or how are you with saving and budgeting?

It's hard for me to comprehend separate money, but it's not right that you're picking up the tab for most things. You mentioned "his" couch. Can you not buy a new couch yourself if you want one? 


As for the travel - to an extent I do understand this. There's a difference with traveling short time and fully immersing yourself in another country, living elsewhere, being outside your comfort zone. If that's no longer an option because you don't want this, then certainly he needs to let that go, or compromise, and cherish the fact that he met you.

Best wishes.


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## Brokenbear (Mar 14, 2011)

Thankyou everyone for your comments, suggestions, feedback and support! (and sorry I have taken such a long time to respond!)

I have decided to stick it out with him, but am going to give myself a timeframe - eg if it doesnt work out and nothing changes within say 6 months than I will be packing my bags and leaving.

I have talked with a counsellor and agree with some comments made and believe he is just selfish and also controlling and as musch as I am frustrated and annoyed etc over these issues it is something I want to work on as I dont believe throwing away our relationship over money is a good idea and there are other strenghts within the relationship!

In regards to my other post also, I have just been considered for another job (just waiting for reference checks to be done and then sign the contract!) and have decided to take it  This is a job that will benefit my life significantly and if he doesnt like it - tough! I am not going to be putting up with this any longer and if he decides to leave or have me leave I guess then I will see what sort of person he really is. Essentially it is a choice of my happiness and having me in his life, OR having money! 

Thanks, BB


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

"Essentially it is a choice of my happiness and having me in his life, OR having money!"

I'm not sure what this means. Do you mean that the new job is less money?

Why does he object to the job?


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## The Gottman Institute (Feb 7, 2012)

Money is one of those topics that must be discussed before entering a serious relationship. You have to be on the same page. I've seen all types of money situations work as long as the terms are well defined and understood by both parties. Personally, I feel that once a couple is married, there should be no more "mine" or "yours" -- it should be ours.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I agree that married couples should share money.

I make precious little because I am a student. 

I have access to my husband's credit cards and he has no issue with giving me cash when my part time paycheck runs out.

When I was single, I dated some stingy fools. I met a few who never wanted to take me out or those who expected to split EVERYTHING down the middle, when they made double what I did.

Stingy people are often so selfish that they can't even love.


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