# Arguing



## LadyEm (Oct 6, 2009)

Hey, ladies. New here, and would love some advice. Here's a little background:

My husband and I have been married since December of 2006, so almost 3 years. The problem is, we fight too much! Yes, over the most ridiculous things as well.

I grew up in a family of 9, with 7 children. We fought all the time, day and night. I love them to death, but we were all so close in age. I would have screaming matches with my sisters and even my mother as a teenager. Fighting was always a big thing to me growing up, and it's shaped the way I fight now.

My husband, on the other hand, grew up by himself with his parents. No fighting, no arguing, nothing. It was always so quiet and peaceful with his family, and he was no doubt Momma's Boy. 

Being married, clearly our fighting styles are different. While our arguments can be really silly at times, there are times I often feel hurt and unhappy. However, growing up in a home with so many siblings, when our arguments come to an end, I'm quick to move on and forget it even happened, almost naturally. He, on the other hand, sees arguing much more different than I do. He believes it's unhealthy, unnatural, and not okay in a marriage. Often times he'll bring up the D word, saying we'll be better off separated because the fighting is too much. I completely agree the fighting is too much at times, but I hardly have the thought of divorce. I see it as another bump in the road, he sees it as a red flag and dead end.

I love my husband dearly, yet our communication and interpretation of arguing is completely opposite. I tend to throw down more (which I know is an issue I developed at a young age), and he tends to act a bit childish and become very defensive and protective.

I'm not perfect, and admit there are several things I need to work on. One, I know I shouldn't throw down as much. Two, I need to not interrupt and wait for my turn to speak. How in the world can we adjust to our different fighting styles? Fighting has always been natural to me, and he's the complete opposite. Where and how do we find a balance? Thank you so much.


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## EternalBacheor (Jul 26, 2009)

Ask yourself this question - Knowing what he knows now would your husband marry you again if he was presented with the opportunity to do so? You know the answer - not a chance.

Your husband will file for divorce within the year; no normal mature adult man wants to come home from work every day to face-off with a "Naturally Born and Trained Arguement Junkie" such as yourself. On some level you actually enjoy the conflict and drama associated with arguements; for your husband it is exhausting.

Your husband already knows he has made a terrible mistake by marrying you - he is now in the process of building up the nerve to get out of the marriage and how to minimize the damage to himself.

Count on it.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

My H and I went through a similar problem. I grew up in a big family and he grew up in a quiet one. there was no arguing in his family. 

One of the things i struggled with was him not arguing with me. he would clam up and i took that as he didnt care. he took my outbursts as attacks so he retreated. 

we've been married two years now, together for four, and its dramatically mellowed out. we fought like cats and dogs the first three and a half years. I do still have outbursts occasionally, but i feel really bad afterwards now. i dont do it as often. I think for me its come with a change of heart. I can see the hurt it causes him and i dont want to hurt him like that. there was a point that i didnt care, i wanted to get my point across and my main objective was letting him know exactly how i felt. i didnt want to stop until i felt he knew exactly what i felt- and that often meant escalating. 

but now i dont think its as important to get my point across as it is to care about how im approaching him with my thoughts. Ive learned there are other much more effective ways to be heard and not have to walk away with a guilty conscience while im at it.


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## Calypso (May 11, 2009)

Why do you let it get to the point of fighting? You need to learn to walk away so you can calm down. Then come back and talk about what is bothering you. Do you push buttons just to push them? Is it worth it? I know people have disagreements in a marriage it's normal. Do you still see yourself married 2 years from now or 10 years? Would your husband? Would you marry each other again knowing you would be fighting all the time?


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## anotheruser (Oct 6, 2009)

What I've noticed is that arguments happen because both parties are feeling insecure about something big in the relationship. Arguing is just a manifestation of the real problem which essentially jeopardizes each others future dreams. Perhaps someone doesn't want to have a child but the other does or someone is feeling insecure financially. 
It's easy to blame arguing is natural, but you need to dig a little deeper and find the root cause. By arguing and getting into a shouting match avoids having to discuss the major problem. Both parties need to be honest with themselves and ask the hard questions and try to be with each other too. 
Personally, arguing is the frustration of not being heard and not being able to express oneself.


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## alytamave (Oct 2, 2009)

EternalBacheor said:


> Ask yourself this question - Knowing what he knows now would your husband marry you again if he was presented with the opportunity to do so? You know the answer - not a chance.
> 
> Your husband will file for divorce within the year; no normal mature adult man wants to come home from work every day to face-off with a "Naturally Born and Trained Arguement Junkie" such as yourself. On some level you actually enjoy the conflict and drama associated with arguements; for your husband it is exhausting.
> 
> ...


Wow this is one of the most negative responses I've read in here! She's asking for help, not a conviction. If you can't be helpful or positive in any way, may I suggest you find a different forum which will help you? Find something better to do than kicking someone while they're down!!!!:wtf:


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## alytamave (Oct 2, 2009)

LadyEm said:


> I love my husband dearly, yet our communication and interpretation of arguing is completely opposite. I tend to throw down more (which I know is an issue I developed at a young age), and he tends to act a bit childish and become very defensive and protective.


Communication is the key to any relationship. Not just talking with one another about your day, your inlaws, what your plans will be. Good communication is one of the hardest things to learn in marriage and it is the main factor for most divorces. There is a book called "Getting the Love you Want". It mainly talks about childhood and how you bring that into your relationship. But the absolute best part is that it teaches you how to communicate. The key factor is learning to listen without interrupting, and empathizing. It is really hard to truly learn to empathize because what you're hearing may make your blood boil, but it will help both of you understand why each of you are feeling the way you do. There is actually a "Getting the Love you Want" workbook that you could get which would be extremely helpful for the both of you. It sounds like you pretty much understand why the both of you are the way you are, but there may be more. I highly suggest you do the workbook together. The exercises are wonderful. If you can both learn to communicate the right way, there will be less and less fighting. My H and I went to one of the workshops and there was another couple who loved each other dearly, but fought every day. By the end of the workshop they both admitted their reasons for fighting and were then able to communicate with one another instead of letting it get to that point. They're doing awesome now!!!! If you have any questions regarding this, you can send me a private message or post here if you'd like  Good luck to you!!!!


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

My house was a lot like that too, always someone yelling LOL. I have learned that it is much easier when I calm down and approach him with a subject when we both have some down time. It used to bug hubby when he would walk in and I would come with 100 questions, so I sit down to dinner with him and the kids, we eat and I clean up, then when the boys go to bed I ask hey, is now a good time I had some stuff I wanted to talk about. And like it was said before, don't get flustered and start yelling, try to reason it out in your head. I tell my husband all the time, if I don't answer right away, its because I am putting it together in my head first so I can talk calmly!

The one thing that always makes me see clearer is exercise, so if you have a lot of stuff on your mind, take a nice brisk walk and when you come back you will be much calmer and ready to talk nicely!


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## LadyEm (Oct 6, 2009)

EternalBacheor said:


> Ask yourself this question - Knowing what he knows now would your husband marry you again if he was presented with the opportunity to do so? You know the answer - not a chance.
> 
> Your husband will file for divorce within the year; no normal mature adult man wants to come home from work every day to face-off with a "Naturally Born and Trained Arguement Junkie" such as yourself. On some level you actually enjoy the conflict and drama associated with arguements; for your husband it is exhausting.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your response. Let me clarify something here: In no way am I justifying nor making excuses for my actions. I understand it's a problem, and I understand my "fighting style" is never okay, regardless of how I grew up. My husband has always come home to a loving wife, one thing I had always promised him and have kept. It's generally when a disagreement arises do I become "Mrs Argument". And yes, it's a problem. I asked him the same question you cited earlier, and he admitted he at times probably wouldn't have proposed had he known.



alytamave said:


> Wow this is one of the most negative responses I've read in here! She's asking for help, not a conviction. If you can't be helpful or positive in any way, may I suggest you find a different forum which will help you? Find something better to do than kicking someone while they're down!!!!:wtf:


Thank you.



alytamave said:


> Communication is the key to any relationship. Not just talking with one another about your day, your inlaws, what your plans will be. Good communication is one of the hardest things to learn in marriage and it is the main factor for most divorces. There is a book called "Getting the Love you Want". It mainly talks about childhood and how you bring that into your relationship. But the absolute best part is that it teaches you how to communicate. The key factor is learning to listen without interrupting, and empathizing. It is really hard to truly learn to empathize because what you're hearing may make your blood boil, but it will help both of you understand why each of you are feeling the way you do. There is actually a "Getting the Love you Want" workbook that you could get which would be extremely helpful for the both of you. It sounds like you pretty much understand why the both of you are the way you are, but there may be more. I highly suggest you do the workbook together. The exercises are wonderful. If you can both learn to communicate the right way, there will be less and less fighting. My H and I went to one of the workshops and there was another couple who loved each other dearly, but fought every day. By the end of the workshop they both admitted their reasons for fighting and were then able to communicate with one another instead of letting it get to that point. They're doing awesome now!!!! If you have any questions regarding this, you can send me a private message or post here if you'd like  Good luck to you!!!!


Thanks so much! I'll definitely have to try that out. I'm willing to do what it takes.


Thanks to the rest of you as well, for your responses.

Last night, my husband and I sat down and had a heart-to-heart. I was really able to listen to what he had to say, and a lot of things really struck me, things I hadn't noticed before. Obviously, he hates arguing. I do hate it myself, but have found myself arguing and pushing buttons more out of habit than anything else. I never really saw the harm in it like he did. My view was, "An argument is an argument, then we'll move on and get over it." He saw things differently, and I'm sad to admit it's taken this long for me to realize this. Another thing I realized: When we'd argue, I'd go into habit mode, just like I would with my siblings (minus the name-calling and teasing). I had never realized that before until last night. He's my husband, not my brother nor sister. When I was able to see and understand how much my terrible habit was hurting him, I shook my head at myself, and promised him I would, for now on, kick myself before jumping into my habit of arguing for hours. He really appreciated that, and it was good to see his face light up once I realized how stupid I was being.

We have never screamed at each other, and have hardly raised our voices at each other. But my habit of arguing just to argue and push buttons just to push them was having a terrible effect on our marriage. It was good to come to that realization last night. So, thank you all for your help and responses.


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

If it continues, go seek some counseling together. Communication is hard, be thankful he is still willing to work at it. Marriage counseling is great at teaching both of you to face the issues, and figure out what is triggering these arguments.


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## alytamave (Oct 2, 2009)

LadyEm, you're very welcome! I'm so happy for you that you talked last night and it really sounds like you honestly looked at it from his perspective. As long as you both understand why you react the way you do, and empathize with one another then you're on your way! Remember this, when things get uncomfortable for us in a relationship and we get the courage to step out of the box we're so used to, it only strengthens the bond between us! Good luck to you and keep us up to date


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