# 30 year marriage - Wife wants space



## teddy (May 1, 2010)

I really need some help to understand and learn how to cope with the problems in my recent 30 year marriage.

Wife has been acting strange the past six months and moved into the other bedroom. Said she could now get a full nights sleep. I was OK wuth this because she still gave me average attention and below average sex.

Several months ago she started using facebook to connect with lost friends. Anytime I would walk buy she would click off the page or close the laptop computer.

A few weeks ago she informed me that she needs space and wants to go out with friends again. Said she will be 50 this year and I don't have much more time to have fun. Said something it's like a mid life crisis she is having. So I gave her space by not talking to her for several days, thinking she would break and come talk to me. This time she did not speak to me. Her room is locked and I talk to her through the bedroom door, reminding her that she is beautiful and I still love her very much.

Five days later still no feed back or talk, so at work the next day I freaked out and cried at work off and on all day while my staff and others came into my office to see me. I arrived home that evening and cried like a baby and begged her to speak to me. After fifteen minutes she opened the door and I honestly confessed my love for her and cried for at least one hour. She hugged and kissed me, said she truly loves me but wants her freedom to go out. I told her to go out and have lots of fun, but do not go home with another man. She was very happy to at last getting my approval to be free to party and see others. We then made love like like teenagers.

The next day she requested and I gave her a significant amount of money so she could pay off some of her credit card bills.

Two days later she is acting strange again. and no communication behind a locked bedroom door.

This week she informs me she is going into work at 11:00 am. However, she leaves our house and her work for two days without any note or phone call. This is the first time she has done this. She comes back home two later, goes into the bedroom and leaves the door open. I wait until the next day and tell her how disapointed I am that she left home without letting me know. I was not angry this time.

Two days later today, I bring some flowers to her bedroom with a positive written message that I want her back and I love her verry much. Her response was I want to go out and be free to party, without having to tell you. I said well go ahead and have some fun, I want you to have fun. Go to the local bar and party all night. 

But then said she is going to the beach a few hours away and will be staying in a hotel. I told her this is very strange action on her part and said well go ahead but please do not sleep with another man, because this I cannot allow this. You are my wife and you put your hand on the bible with vows to stay with me. Her response was yea but that was a long time ago. 

I asked her if I said no, she replied then I will follow through on becoming single, she did not say divorce. She said I love you, kissed and hugged me, but I need some time away. I agreed and said if this will make you happy then go now. She quickly got ready and left at 5:00 pm. Her actions and cold minimal communication and attention towards me is hurting inside me so bad, I cry, I cannot seem to find any happiness or focus on my peace of mind and body. I do not want to loose my wife after 30 years, but at this time I don't have many choices. If I stop her or stand my ground with NO, she then would not speak to me again and would seek a divorce.

My wife and I have not had any conflict the past several months. 

This is my real true story and I need some help and feedback.

At this time I need a friend to talk to. 

I currently have a mid level technical position with high pay, but my situation is causing me to loose focus at work and now have stress there as well. I cannot get any time away from work at this time. 

I welcome all feedback, thoughts and some direction. Please don't tell me to divorce her at this time, I need other options and thoughts.

Thank you!!


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## country boy (Apr 19, 2010)

I feel for you dude.

From the info you have given it sounds like she is having an affair. 

Check your cell bill and install a key logger on her computer to know for sure.


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## teddy (May 1, 2010)

My situation update and recent experiences.

Wife is 49 - beautiful and young looking and I am 51 - average

I am writing this so I can begin to heal, and others can learn from my mistakes. I want you to know I have always considered my wife as a throphy wife. I would enjoy others admiring my wife on my arms. I have never ever cheated on her.

I have worked two jobs and a business to provide for my family, to have a nice house, sportcars, boat, motorcycles, material things, etc and debt free. We are not rich but very comfortable along with a large nest egg savings.

I asked for some loving before she left, said she was on her period. Well she left town at 5:00 pm on Friday. I looked around her room for her wedding ring which I want to take and hide it, or some love letters she might have. What I found was a new box of KY soft lube beads and injection tube of lubricant. The injection tube was in her garbage can and the box indicates this is for improved moisture and lubrication for sexual intimacy. Oh boy my mind is playing games with me on many thoughts.

So I decided to go out, have three beers, dance and have some fun or I would just stay home and cry. This is my first time out by myself in 30 years. I asked approximately 12 ladies to dance and 10 accepted. It was fun and my mind was somewhat clear until driving home when I cried all the way home.

I do not have many friends. I talked to my dad and he said leave the *****. I talked to my neighbor, he and his wife said leave the ***** but it will be painful. My other friend said I don't no what to tell you to do.

Wife comes home at 2:00 pm Saturday and goes to her bedroom and leaves the door open. I waited until 8:00 pm to wake her up so we could talk. She asked if I had fun going out, I replied yes and she closes her eyes. I said if you do not get up and spend time with me then I will go out again, she replied that is what I want you to do. I told her I would rather be with her at home and watch a movie together. She said OK. During the movie I layed next to her the whole time and she stroked my hair, face, back and arms. But no sex was allowed.

After the movie, we taked even more. She said honey I want you to go out and find a girlfriend or new lover. You are free to go out anytime. That is what I want right now in our merriage to be free. If you do this then we can continue to be together. 
But if you tell my parents of this "they will think I am a *****" and I will leave you. Also do not discuss this with our oldest son. Said he is being short me and not calling, do you tell him what all is going on. I said he knows I was crying at work because of your actions. So I then go to my bedroom and cried.

I wake up at 6:00 am Sunday morning and cried again for one hour, I began to shake, have a fever, fingers are numb and now I cannot breath. I ran in her bedroom afraid asking to please help me, I cannot cope with these changes. She held me and rubbed my arm, I tried to get up but she said please stay some more. Once I calmed down I went into my bedroom and continued to cry my heart out. She made me a cup of coffee and placed it next to me, touched me and said please calm down. I have never felt this much pain or emotion before.

Moments later I am shaking again, cannot breath well and considering going to the ER. She never comes back in to see me.

I have mental images of her getting it on with another man. I then see clear mental images in my mind of how I would take them both out and end my life. Sorry no more details.

I got up and took a shower and cried for another hour, my face all swollen and red. Next I watched some TV and watched Joel Osteen giving his message and this helped me some. I have prayed and ask the lord to help me, forgiveness and mercy. I am crying so much as I write this, but want to document my real pain and agony. If I wait then I would not let out my feelings. I need mental help now to cope with this pain of losing my wife. My mind is now switching to images and thoughts of my mother and dealing with her death, so much pain right now.

I plan to see my employee assistance program this coming week.

Also I am thinking about cleaning out our savings and abandon my job and home, then travel the country to leave this pain behind. This will hurt to leave my two boys, father and the job I enjoy.

I have calmed down now while tryping this message and will try to put things into proper prospective. Can a man ever find another women to love as I have loved my wife?

Material things do not mean **** to me right now, all I want is to be held tight by the women I love. Crying again.

This is the only site I have posted on. I will continue to write and update and I welcome any thoughts to clear my mind and pain. Sorry to write such a sad story but this is my life experiences right now. Also wife does not come back to see how I am doing, but I am getting somewhat better now to cope with this.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Please don't do anything except to find a therapist to talk to. I hope you are able to feel better very soon.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

Sounds like you know your wife is gone now, so that's not the advice you're looking for.

On your very first appointment with the counselor, tell him you need meds. You just need to take the edge off. They take as long as a month to build up in your system and start working, so start with them immediately. The counselor will probably have to refer you to a psychiatrist for them. You need to toughen up for your boys. The meds will help.

Good luck.


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## tryingtocope24 (Sep 27, 2009)

Teddy: I feel your pain I was there last year. It was the worst year of my life. I wished I would die everyday. I knew I could not live with out her in my life. She did exactly what your wife is doing. I begged, I cried, I pleaded, I gave her all kinds of money and almost lost my business because of it. I went to a counsler did a lot of talking, leaned on friends. Then one day the pain went away. That was a couple months ago. We talk now almost everyday. We will be getting divorced in the next week or two. I never knew how unhappy I really was in our marriage I really did not. I exersise everyday. I have been on a few dates and life is good. So there is light at the other side if you go that way. I do hope it works out for you I really do. But take care of you first the rest will fall inot place.


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