# Slowly dying... would like some advice



## Cowboysfan (Jul 3, 2012)

Hey everyone,

Been reading/lurking here for a while and love the community and the sharing. I would love to get some feedback on what I'm going through just to see what other people think.

Here's my story.

I'm 40, been married 8+ years. My wife is 10 months older. We don't have any children (thank God!), but do have 3 dogs and 5 cats. I married later (31 when we married) because I had never found what I wanted in a relationship. I thought I'd found that with my wife, but it is becoming increasingly apparently that's not the case. I'll just break down the issues I'm having to make this easier.

*Sex*
I'm a very sexual person. I love sex, foreplay, being together, teasing, dirty looks, joking... everything. My wife doesn't. When I'm sexually playful with her, her most frequent response is "that's gross" or "you're disgusting" (not meant physically). When I suggest sexual things, her face immediately changes into a disgusted look, then she's too tired, her stomach is upset, or she's too stressed at work. I've sit her down at least half a dozen times over the past 8 years to try and talk with her and explain my wants and needs and to assure her that I want to explore her wants and needs as well (and I really do... well did). Her response has almost always been "You make it feel like a chore" or "You just married me to... (whatever sexual act I dared mention last)".

So I quit asking for anything sexual out of respect. Now, if I don't bring up sex, it's never mentioned. EVER. And I'm afraid it's killed all my desire for her. I honestly have no sexual desire for her any longer. I can't get a thing I want out of her, so to speak, and a candle only burns for so long. 

I sit her down before we got married and explained what I was looking for sexually once we got married. I told her explicitly that I didn't want to become one of those married couples where the sex dies. I LOVE sex and the thought of sharing that with one special woman is very exciting to me. She told me she understood and agreed, but the moment we got married, I was left hung out to dry. And have been ever since.

She won't shower with me (might get her hair wet!), doesn't give me any foreplay unless I ask (and now I'm feeling bad for that), and in those rare times when things heat up a little in the living room or kitchen, she has to go to the bedroom, take off her own clothes, and kill the mood. 

*Communication*
We don't communicate. I talk and try vainly to get her to say anything. Everything is my fault. I can't make a point, because the moment I do, she throws something back at me. She becomes a brick wall when I get upset, which is all the more frustrating. I have no outlet. When anything else upsets me, it's always me acting childish or taking things too hard. I get no sympathy, it's just my fault. I'm not perfect, but after a while, I've learned just to shut up now and let things eat at me.

*Our Life Together*
We've been married just over 8 years and the house still isn't unpacked. About two months in, I threaten to take a day or two off work and just unpack everything and she went ballistic, threatening to leave and divorce me. That was followed by a promise to get things settled within a month. There are boxes that haven't moved in 8+ years. It suffocates me while I'm home. I have told her that a million times, I've cried, I've screamed, I've begged and pleaded. Nothing has worked. I'm ashamed of the house and no one in our family visits because the house is a mess. A couple of years ago while I was unemployed, I spent 3 full days cleaning up the basement room (she's called that "my room"). It was finally clean and I could breathe down there. Well, not a month later, she's junked it up again and it's back in the same condition it was before, if not worse. I walk by that room every day on my way to work and it just makes me so damn angry I can't stand it.

There are other things as well, but let's just say that everything I told her I'd like to do with the house was summarily ignored. I've told her more than once that the only thing that changed in her life when we got married was that she drove a little farther to work. My entire life was been turned upside down. I've got nothing I want and don't get anything I need. 

Even the 8 pets weren't my idea and despite my objections, they just kept showing up. Now I have a terrible pet dander allergy that it making my life miserable.

****

So now here I am, eight years on. I can't fantasize about my wife, because she won't do anything I like or want. I can't talk to my wife, because she clams up and then holds it against me for days afterwards. I have no intimacy with my wife, and frankly, most of the time, I can't stand looking at her. I'm holding a lot of resentment. In the evenings, I just sit in my chair, on my laptop or with my earphones on and I ignore her. 

I've been thinking a lot lately about leaving, or telling her to leave. There are two things holding me back: 1) I'm Christian and the idea of divorce is hard for me to swallow, and; 2) Debt.

About the debt - when we got married, she had about double the debt she'd admitted to me. Wasn't real happy about that. And I'm talking over $50k. Within the next 18 months, all of those debts will finally be paid off. I make good money and she makes more than me, but she's awful with money. I got my own checking account 3 years ago just so I could have some sanity. So now she treats our savings like her own checking account (in addition to her own account). 

I can't honestly say that I love her any longer. I'm just dead inside, that's the best way to describe it. I don't try any longer in the marriage. I'm just there. I have good days and bad days. I've gained 30 pounds since the marriage, no doubt stress related. I'm not sleeping well. But emotionally, I'm just dead. Sexually, I can feel it slipping away, and that kills me. I'm 40 now and I keep thinking that I gave this woman my 30s and it was for nothing. 

Any mention of counselling is met with apathy. She's Catholic and I'm Baptist, so we don't even go to church together. She lied about sharing holidays and abandons me for all holidays to go be with her mother. Basically, nothing I wanted in a marriage is what I have. I'm thinking this is the worst mistake of my life.

So there it is. And I apologize for writing a book. There is a lot more. I'm not perfect or a saint. I'm not that stupid, to suggest that I'm blameless. The difference is, I want to try and resolve things and not let them fester. But for the first years, I tried damn hard and got nothing in return. I'm just dead inside. 

What do you folks think? Any advice, observations, questions? I'm more than willing to discuss or answer. 

Thanks for reading.


----------



## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

Welcome to TAM, CF. I'm sorry that you're here. But I'm glad you found us. 

Your situation isn't ideal given that your W seems to have totally shut down. Why is she still in the marriage if she is, apparently, so unhappy? Has she specifically stated anything? 

Since she won't go to MC, are there family members or other friends/couples who are happily married that she would be willing to talk to? Sometimes friends can get through where others can't. 

I don't agree with D either, but my STBXH refuses to improve himself or our marriage...kind of like your W. The difference, though is that he's been having an A, so I feel like I have no other option besides D. 

It's an understatement to say that it is unfortunate that you are experiencing this. But I would suggest that, in the meantime, you hope for the best but prepare for the worst. 

That means to stop contributing to the savings account since she is taking the money for personal use. Separate, if possible, all common accounts/debts. Consult a lawyer and determine your rights. 

I hope this helps. 

By the way, what was your sex life/communication like before you married? Or, at least, soon after you married?


----------



## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

Just re-reading your post. 

So your W is a hoarder? I'm no expert, but I've heard/read that this may represent an extreme case of OCD. How was her childhood? What is her immediate family like?


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Have you seen the hoarding shows? Is that what your house looks like? 
She sounds very messed up. Her reaction to you unpacking sounds similar to a hoarder. 
They have an endless supply of anger, they collect animals and are shopaholics. 
Could you try to get help for her for the boarding behavior? 
Honestly if I were in your shoes I would leave. She lied to you about so many things, she broke the spirit of your wedding vows.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cowboysfan (Jul 3, 2012)

Thanks for the response, ImStillHere. Much appreciated!

I've asked her why she even married me and she makes it a joke, saying "I figured you were my last shot". Not the most encouraging thing. 

I've spoken to her mother about it, if you can believe it. She sympathizes, but doesn't want to get involved. The rest of her family is... dysfunctional. And frankly, my family is very conservative in these areas and it's business not just shared. 

I quit contributing to the savings acct when I got my own checking account. I have money now and she's constantly complaining about her account being low. 

To get a loan to pay off all of her massive debt (her credit ratings were AWFUL), I had to get the loans in both our names. So I'm liable for them now (stupid move, but when I got married, it was a partnership and the vows meant something to me). And everyone makes mistakes - that's what I told myself.

Sex life before marriage was very good. Frequent, fun, had a little bit of risque nature to it. Then one day she told me that she just got tired of doing "it". Caused a lot of tensions until my candle burned out. 

As to communication, she at least replied when I would bring things up. There was some effort on her part. Now I'm just constantly banging my head against the wall and getting no satisfaction in anything. She just waits for me to apologize for "being an *******" -- that means she did something I wasn't happy about. So I get the silent treatment, and the occasional threat that "If you do that again, I'm out of here". 

I'm not a pushover or a weak-willed man. I'm just forcing it all down because I really don't want to be the bad guy and blow things up to the point where it all explodes. But I'm about at the end of my ability to swallow it any longer. 

Oh, and an closing sexual note, because I just thought of it. I think this describes my wife perfectly in terms of what I'm dealing with sexually. I asked her once early on if I could orgasm somewhere other than inside her during sex. Her reply was to try to extract a very expensive purse out of me if she "allowed me to do that". Needless to say, it never happened.

And yes, she has a lot of hoarder tendencies. No one in her family is like this. No one in my family is like this!


----------



## Cowboysfan (Jul 3, 2012)

Thanks for the reply. 

Our house isn't as bad as those houses on the Hoarders show, but there are two rooms I haven't been in since we married (can't get in them) and there are "paths" that have formed all over the house. I have to move things to do anything in the kitchen. The house suffocates me and she knows it, yet does nothing to fix it and then holds it against me when I snap over it. 

My brother and his wife had a yard sale a couple years ago. I went into the basement room and started gathering up some of my stuff that's still in trash bags and she freaked out, demanding that I not touch any of "her stuff" and told me "You have no right to touch my stuff". I asked her to get some of it together for me to take and she told me she didn't have time, then threatened again to divorce me if I 'touched" her stuff. 

I have come to believe she has some hoarding issues. I even watched that show when she was around and she just denies that's her. Completely oblivious.

And another thing that makes it worse is that she does a lot of after work activities, so she's often gone 2-3 evenings a week and gets home late. So I'm left to wallow in the house alone, just staring at the stuff and thinking I should just burn the place down (kidding of course), but you get my meaning (I hope). When I bring it up, she always points to the basement room, to the one corner where I have 4-5 trash bags of stuff, like I'm causing the problem as well. It really is ridiculous.

I leave 2.5 hours early for work everyday just to get some calm. My commute is about 30 minutes. 




diwali123 said:


> Have you seen the hoarding shows? Is that what your house looks like?
> She sounds very messed up. Her reaction to you unpacking sounds similar to a hoarder.
> They have an endless supply of anger, they collect animals and are shopaholics.
> Could you try to get help for her for the boarding behavior?
> ...


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I don't understand why you haven't unpacked the stuff, if it's bothering you. The reason why she throws her fits is because they get the result she wants. Same as a child who throws a temper tantrum in a store to get a toy; once they learn a tool that works, they're dangerous. So start unpacking on your evenings at home. Let her throw her fit. If she threatens divorce over it, keep a list of divorce lawyer numbers printed off (the bad ones, preferably) and hand it to her.

And find some hobbies and activities outside the home. Don't be home all the time when she finally gets home. Read up on the Married Men's Sex Life and No More Mr. Nice Guy. You may not be one outside your marriage, but read with an open mind and see if you're one INSIDE your marriage. Backing down to avoid a confrontation is a big warning flag.

C

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

She has tendencies you say? No she is a full blown hoarder. I would say probably level three. 
You don't deserve this. She needs serious help. Start doing research and see what you can find. See if she will accept help.
At a certain point you have to save yourself if she won't do anything to work on your life together. 
Have you considered filing for bankruptcy? 
I would get IC or find support groups for family of hoarders.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

PBear said:


> I don't understand why you haven't unpacked the stuff, if it's bothering you. The reason why she throws her fits is because they get the result she wants. Same as a child who throws a temper tantrum in a store to get a toy; once they learn a tool that works, they're dangerous. So start unpacking on your evenings at home. Let her throw her fit. If she threatens divorce over it, keep a list of divorce lawyer numbers printed off (the bad ones, preferably) and hand it to her.
> 
> And find some hobbies and activities outside the home. Don't be home all the time when she finally gets home. Read up on the Married Men's Sex Life and No More Mr. Nice Guy. You may not be one outside your marriage, but read with an open mind and see if you're one INSIDE your marriage. Backing down to avoid a confrontation is a big warning flag.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

It sounds like you're backed into a corner...but I do agree that you can change YOURSELF and the way you react to your W. Have you read about the 180? Have you tried IC? I think that would help with the psychological issues that have certainly affected you, at this point. 

Honestly, I think that you should call her bluff on the D. If she really wants out, she will leave anyway.


----------



## HiMaint57 (May 24, 2012)

Your house sounds like my mother-in-law's used to be (she's deceased) -- paths, unusable rooms due to junk piled up in them, and she couldn't NOT stop at a garage sale. I agree with those that say she's a hoarder, and according to books I've read, this behavior is very difficult to change. On the shows the people get the house clean, but how many are right back where they started a year or two later?

With the other serious issues you mention, I would leave.


----------



## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

Sounds to me that's she's crazy and you should just leave. Life's too short to live like you're doing and there isn't even the excuse of a child to care for. Run for the hills is my advice.


----------

