# What is with all this texting, Facebook crap??



## Lookingforanswers1 (Nov 16, 2010)

As my username says, I am truly looking for answers. I have just finished having all of my girlfriend's belongings moved out of my house and I am sitting here wondering how she could have been so stupid and unthinking to ruin such a wonderful relationship like she did. 

I am almost 40, once divorced and always maintained I would never be burned again. She was 33 and never married. I was in love with her and we were together for 5 years. I was going to marry her (thank God I didn't) but up till now, we lived in the same house with rock solid co-habitation agreement drawn up by separate counsel. As I have said, I was not about to be taken for a ride once again. I own a business, make extremely good money and we enjoyed a very envious lifestyle up until a few weeks ago.

Then one day, she accidentally leaves her Facebook account open on the laptop and I see she has her ex-boyfriends page up. This is a guy who cheated on her and dumped her 7 years ago. I see there are are some messages exchanged on there so I clicked on them only to find out they are chatting about very sexual intimate things. I print out these chats and I confront her about it. She initially said it had just started but eventually broke down and told me she had been "sexting" or texting her ex for the last year and she sent him pictures of herself in various stages of undress. So here we have a somewhat logical women throwing her life away with me, a handsome, successful business man who provided her a lifestyle she could never dream of, for a cheap thrill! 

I read these forums and I shake my head! What is with all these grown adults doing this crap?? Has everyone turned into crazed sex maniacs because technology has advanced to this level or were they always this way, but with no real outlet for it? It boggles my mind. 

Well her stuff is all packed up in a moving van, she will certainly be surprised when she gets home tonight. I have consulted my lawyer and I am completely within my rights to just toss her stuff on the curb but I have some class. I really do hope that she learns her lesson from this. I wonder if being homeless for a few days will be enough to do that to her. She has nothing now and I will make sure she gets nothing from me other than moving van rental for 2 days. I hope her cheap thrill, with the guy who used her before, was worth everything she is about to experience.


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## Almostthere (Oct 31, 2010)

Just wanted to say I am so sorry for what you are going through, I agree it seems like people are just going mad! Keep reading through the posts, look for info on the "fog" and EA'S and it might help you understand a bit better. Also congrats on remaining so clearheaded and confident during this time, if your girlfriend has any sense she will be begging you to take her back!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Its convenient. 
Its easy to get carried away. Starts off with innocent flirting - then a picture or two - then it gets more heated... 
Sneaking around can be fun. 
You're having fun with someone while not having to discuss the kids or the mortgage or the rent.
Since its not face to face, it almost doesn't seem real.
A lot of people don't really think its cheating if nothing physical happens - or at least that's how they can justify what they are doing.
Its a new social outlet for people who are normally stuck at home with kids, or for people who are stuck working at a computer all day, who are very lonely.
etc., etc,. etc.,


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I've been working on an article about this very subject. Facebook and all the others do not change people into sex crazed lunatics, and it doesn't make them cheat. 

The computer gives people a feeling of anonymity that they don't get in real life. In real life, everyone can see your face and knows who you are when you say or do something. Online, it's much easier to say and do things because, theoretically, no one knows who you are. While this is great for things like this forum, where you can discuss problems in your relationship without friends/family knowing about them, it's also disasterous because it disconnects people from what they are saying/doing. 

They get used to that feeling of anonymity, and it goes into things such as Facebook, and they tell themselves that it's ok because it's only online and it doesn't mean anything. They convince themselves that you won't be upset because it's not cheating. And by the time they come to their senses and realize that it is cheating, things have progressed to where you are now.

It sucks that this happened. Good luck to you!


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## Wolf359 (Jun 10, 2010)

I'm sorry for what is going on with you, but I just loved the way you did that with the moving van. That is what most Men should do, if your wife or girl friend admits to it. Maybe that will wake them up a little bit. I would give it a week if I were you unless she goes to other man. Then is should be over at that point. :iagree::rofl::iagree::rofl::iagree::rofl:


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## manilikefuff (Nov 17, 2010)

I cant imagine it being facebooks fault, Its just people being greedy, I have a facebook and I would never even think about cheating on my husband.. Especially over the internet! I dont understand the whole concept of cheating over the internet in the first place, I know the term 'Player' in which, yes, these people are greedy and will take whatever they can, but I always thought if someone is cheating on somebody else, Its because the intimacy is lost in the relationship and thats what people need, to feel desired or just genuinly wanted and have that intimacy with another human being.. How can ANYONE get this over the internet? It baffles me and Im really sorry you ended up wasting however long with one of the 'greedy' ones but I hope you have better luck in the future, Dont give up on people because you've had your rotten share. There are still people out there that understand the meaning of devotion.


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## snowstorm (Nov 3, 2010)

It's also important to point out...

Notice your marriage. Why are you spending so much time on the computer to begin with? That is red flag itself. You should be spending time _together_ as a couple. Doing "couple" things.

I can't place the blame completely on fb. It's just a social outlet where things can happen if a marriage is not already secure.

Poster- this is meant as "you" in general...not directed at anyone specific.


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## Lookingforanswers1 (Nov 16, 2010)

I will assure you she is not coming back to me ever. I am not one to forgive such actions. For me, and she knew it, doing something like this means it is all over. No second chances with this guy. 

She banged on the door, yelled, screamed, cried but eventually had the movers take her stuff to her sisters and her sister called me, I explained what happened, pulled no punches, and this is where we stand. I paid the movers and we are done. I will never talk to her or see her again. This case is closed. 

I will say that maybe I worked too much but she never did complain. She enjoyed the money and travel and never said a word. Had she once told me she felt like I wasnt doing enough in the relationship, I know I would have changed and done more. There were no signals, we had a wonderful relationship and she told me that on more than one occasion. 

I am really thankful this happened now before I married the slag. And the ironic thing is that last night, after she had moved her stuff to her sisters place, her best friend called me and said she felt bad for me and if I ever wanted to talk to give her a call. Is revenge a dish better served cold???:lol:


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## Lookingforanswers1 (Nov 16, 2010)

I guess no one is immune from this, even Eva Longoria! 
_

Action Press/ZUMApress.comUs Magazine Eva Longoria Parker has filed for divorce from her husband of three years, San Antonio Spurs point guard Tony Parker, UsMagazine.com has learned.

She filed Wednesday morning in Los Angeles Superior Court.

In the filing, she requested that her name be restored from Parker's name to Eva Jacqueline Longoria.

Documents also state that the couple had a prenuptial agreement. It was signed in 2007, the year they wed, and amended in 2009.

She is seeking spousal support.

She cited irreconcilable differences for the split.

The filing comes on the heels of the latest Us Weekly, which reports that Longoria Parker, 35, recently discovered that her husband, 28, has been exchanging personal texts with a mutual female friend for nearly a year -- hundreds in just one month.

"Eva is heartbroken by the betrayal," says one insider (Longoria Parker’s rep had no comment; Parker’s rep could not be reached).


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

It's an epidemic out there!


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I don't think it's FBs fault, its the fault of the people on it. The OM should not have led her on, and she should not have taken the bait. What's really wrong is that when people start getting bored in their marriages, do they make the effort to make their marriage better? No. It's much easier to get your moment of "true happiness" with someone else, and to screw up a perfectly good marriage. Then, like his ex gf, they wake up and realize what they did, but then it's too late.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Pandakiss please use some punctuation in your posts, it gave me a headache reading it.


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## valaria (Oct 18, 2010)

Wow Bitter a bit ?? You stated in your first post you wouldn't get burned again, so you entered the relationship expecting it to fail, not a good start and you should not have been surprised when it did fail.If the "slag" is truly gone for good, then now would be a good time to work on your issues, trust, communication, I"m sure you played your part in the problem, please don't blame technology for human failings, A web site can't make any human being do something they wouldn't normally do. Before computers it was the telephone, before the telephone it was letters infidelity has been around as long as humans have walked the earth.


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## Lookingforanswers1 (Nov 16, 2010)

Using your logic, if a woman was to get raped it was partly her fault because she dressed provocatively to attract men! I truly don't think I have any issues surrounding this - I just demand to be treated with respect and will accept no less. She was the one who decided to ruin the relationship, she strayed not me. And frankly, she knew me and knew I would not tolerate it yet she did it anyway. It is funny how some people think they can act without consequences - like somehow saying "sorry" clears everything up. I simply refuse to go through life with someone I can't trust. That is my bottom line so why go through a stupid charade pretending everything is good and we will work through this. I know myself and I knew it was over. I would always be wondering what she was doing when i wasn't around. I refuse to live like that.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

And unfortunately, this is what make us human beings. 

We all fail at some point to do or say or act in a correct manner. 

I wish you well.


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## Needhelp911 (Nov 14, 2010)

Lookingforanswers1 said:


> I will assure you she is not coming back to me ever. I am not one to forgive such actions. For me, and she knew it, doing something like this means it is all over. No second chances with this guy.
> 
> She banged on the door, yelled, screamed, cried but eventually had the movers take her stuff to her sisters and her sister called me, I explained what happened, pulled no punches, and this is where we stand. I paid the movers and we are done. I will never talk to her or see her again. This case is closed.
> 
> ...


:smthumbup::iagree::iagree::lol:

You are very brave and strong for not putting up with this mess. I wish I could be like that with my husband and just walk away! I am in the same boat, except my husband uses myspace! I was thinking to myself... myspace? Isn't it for teenagers? He has facebook as well and talks to all of his ex girlfriends and has tons of female friends. I have facebook as well but I only use it to stay in touch with my family that live in other states.


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## Needhelp911 (Nov 14, 2010)

Lookingforanswers1 said:


> Using your logic, if a woman was to get raped it was partly her fault because she dressed provocatively to attract men! I truly don't think I have any issues surrounding this - I just demand to be treated with respect and will accept no less. She was the one who decided to ruin the relationship, she strayed not me. And frankly, she knew me and knew I would not tolerate it yet she did it anyway. It is funny how some people think they can act without consequences - like somehow saying "sorry" clears everything up. I simply refuse to go through life with someone I can't trust. That is my bottom line so why go through a stupid charade pretending everything is good and we will work through this. I know myself and I knew it was over. I would always be wondering what she was doing when i wasn't around. I refuse to live like that.


Wow.. You are awesome for not putting up with a cheater. I want to be like this. I want to set boundaries and follow them through. I want to refuse to live my life in misery instead of being weak. Have you always been like this? You said in your last relationship it didn't go well... Did your ex cheat as well?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

All I can say is: 









In this instance, you were extremely clear to the point of drawing it out in writing prior to living together. She completely understood that the consequence of turning outside the relationship was ENDING the relationship. If she was "bored" she could have made the choice to turn to you and say so. If she craved "thrill" again she could have worked with you as a team to get the thrill back. This is 100% her choice, and this is 100% the consequence of the choice she made as a mature, adult person.

This is also where most people misunderstand the theory at our site. In reality, the only moral reason given for ending a marriage is sexual immorality, and thus my personal opinion this is exactly the action any Loyal Spouse COULD rightfully take the moment they discover. 

"I'm done. You're out. The end." 

It is a right that is available to you, but it does not *have to be* exercised. And if you do choose to not exercise it, that's when you work on YOU...not because you are to blame for what the disloyal did. No! No! NO! That was 100%, fully, entirely, completely their choice and a bad one at that! Rather, it's because there were actions that might have contributed to the sort of environment where there was vulnerability to temptation. 

Lookingforanswers even said he worked long, hard hours and that some of the time he chose to be on the computer rather than being with her. But look, in reality a woman is smart enough to know that "enjoying the trips to Europe" may require the sacrifice of hard work! And if that is beginning to decay the relationship, the response is: "Honey! When you work such long hours, I think you don't enjoy being with me and I feel lonely. So I'm going to ask if we could skip the ski trip to Switzerland, go to Aspen instead, and spend a few more hours together every week."


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## Wolf359 (Jun 10, 2010)

If you look at it this way, Face book is just the drug dealer. They make it easy to get, and always have what you want. Even if you do not know what you want (try this it's good). Then you get hooked on it, and before long you have a overdose (affair). All because you wanted something different in life (Something New and fun). All The dealer did, was hook you up. You are the one that said, "I will not get hooked on this sh'it I was just having a little fun". It's just like a drug (Face Book). I see it with my wife to, I make sure nothings going on. Even if, I think it would never happen to me it might.


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## Almostthere (Oct 31, 2010)

Am so impressed with your strength, wish you all the best!


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## Lookingforanswers1 (Nov 16, 2010)

Needhelp911 said:


> Wow.. You are awesome for not putting up with a cheater. I want to be like this. I want to set boundaries and follow them through. I want to refuse to live my life in misery instead of being weak. Have you always been like this? You said in your last relationship it didn't go well... Did your ex cheat as well?


Yes I always had a bottom line in every relationship I ever had. No my ex did not cheat, we simply grew apart and our divorce was very amicable. We are still in contact with each other as we have 2 kids together and we never fight or argue. Funny, I just told her what happened with my girlfriend and before I could even say it she said, "you kicked her out right there and then didn't you?" She knows me all too well. 

And you are right - you are living in misery. You are living life under someone else's terms, that is the way I look at it. The way I see it, I never really knew my girlfriend if she acted this way so how can I possible love and trust her going forward. Don't get me wrong, I am sad and heartbroken by this but I also know what I need to do to be happy in the future. My happiness and well-being is my number one priority.


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## Sadman (Feb 25, 2010)

Not a fan of Facebook, too many temptations for the weak minded. My wife casualy looked at it, then it became regular to the point of obsession. Consequently, she started talking to an old school friend which resulted in texts, phone calls and a meet for coffee to which I found out and stopped all such bull***t.

She was lonely, I didn`t pay her much attention, needed someone to talk to, did nothing wrong, she still thinks she did nothing wrong, nearly ruined our marriage, major major upset. 

Facebook is crap


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

Sadman said:


> Not a fan of Facebook, too many temptations for the weak minded. My wife casualy looked at it, then it became regular to the point of obsession. Consequently, she started talking to an old school friend which resulted in texts, phone calls and a meet for coffee to which I found out and stopped all such bull***t.
> 
> She was lonely, I didn`t pay her much attention, needed someone to talk to, did nothing wrong, she still thinks she did nothing wrong, nearly ruined our marriage, major major upset.
> 
> Facebook is crap


Facebook is like a drug dealer hanging about a school waiting for the kids to be let out. That really is a great analogy. If we say human beings are all fallible, then couples really need to get the hell off Facebook and start enjoying each others company! It is just way to easy to have an argument with your spouse, get upset, log on to facebook and chat with an old flame and feel better. 

I too have seen the perils of facebook and texting. It makes connecting so easy and so simple. I say get rid of it before it damages your relationship. Bravo to you for recognizing it.


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## Almostthere (Oct 31, 2010)

Hi lookingforanswers,
Am interested in the cohab agreement you had drawn up with your ex, I am married already and plan on staying married but I have been burned by my H in the past and am thinking of having some kind of legal document drawn up to protect myself and children if anything was to happen in the future. I live in New Zealand so my rights may be a little different from yours depending on where you live. If you dont mind could you tell me a little about what you included in yours.
Regards Almostthere


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## copperfiend (Nov 18, 2010)

Sadly, my marriage has fallen prey to texting and Facebook. About four months ago I found text messages between my wife and one of her former co-workers. When I questioned her about it, she said it was nothing, they were friends. Stupidly, I believed her. About a month and a half later, my wife's activity online and texting gradually increased. 

One day I decided to go through her phone and found Yahoo chats she had been having with the former co-worker. They still work for the same company but at different offices. All of their chats were saved to her phone. They started fairly innocent with work talk and office gossip. But gradually he turned the talk into sexual in nature. Nothing overly graphic but enough to make me pretty upset. 

I confronted her about it, she apologized and said it would end. I love her and don't want our relationship to end but I looked at our cell phone bill online and saw that they have exchanged texts. I confronted her again and she said they are only work related and are necessary for their job.

I don't really know what to do at this point but she swears nothing physical ever happened. I just don't know if I can believe her.


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## Lookingforanswers1 (Nov 16, 2010)

Almostthere said:


> Hi lookingforanswers,
> Am interested in the cohab agreement you had drawn up with your ex, I am married already and plan on staying married but I have been burned by my H in the past and am thinking of having some kind of legal document drawn up to protect myself and children if anything was to happen in the future. I live in New Zealand so my rights may be a little different from yours depending on where you live. If you dont mind could you tell me a little about what you included in yours.
> Regards Almostthere


Unfortunately, once you are married, a co-habitation agreement will not help you. It would be useless to you. You needed to have an iron clad pre-nuptial agreement in order to protect your interests. Since you are married, neither of these documents can help you now. Best you can do now is make sure you and your husband have good life insurance policies and a solid will that protects the the interest of your children. Martial law will likely dictate equal division of your assets upon marriage dissolution.


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

copperfiend said:


> Sadly, my marriage has fallen prey to texting and Facebook. About four months ago I found text messages between my wife and one of her former co-workers. When I questioned her about it, she said it was nothing, they were friends. Stupidly, I believed her. About a month and a half later, my wife's activity online and texting gradually increased.
> 
> One day I decided to go through her phone and found Yahoo chats she had been having with the former co-worker. They still work for the same company but at different offices. All of their chats were saved to her phone. They started fairly innocent with work talk and office gossip. But gradually he turned the talk into sexual in nature. Nothing overly graphic but enough to make me pretty upset.
> 
> ...


I really feel for you. It sure sounds like this is an EA that will turn int a PA very soon. You really need to talk to your wife about this and let her know how serious you are about this. She must end contact with the OM no matter what. I wish you well.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

> ...Am interested in the cohab agreement you had drawn up with your ex, I am married already and plan on staying married but I have been burned by my H in the past and am thinking of having some kind of legal document drawn up to protect myself and children if anything was to happen in the future. I live in New Zealand so my rights may be a little different from yours depending on where you live. If you dont mind could you tell me a little about what you included in yours.


[smallthreadjack] Almostthere, you may want to look into what we here in the states would call a post-nuptial agreement (that's after marriage). If I remember correctly, NZ has the Property (Relationships) Act that details the division of the relationship property upon separation or death of married couples, partners in de facto relationships and partners in same sex relationships. However, it does have an "opt-out" provision which would/could only be set aside if it demonstrated "serious injustice." Thus, if the agreement said (using layman's terms here) that you two agreed that Disloyal spouse would "Opt Out" of their portion of house equity and all of the kids' college funds if they committed adultery--that might work.[/smallthreadjack]


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## copperfiend (Nov 18, 2010)

Corkey88 said:


> I really feel for you. It sure sounds like this is an EA that will turn int a PA very soon. You really need to talk to your wife about this and let her know how serious you are about this. She must end contact with the OM no matter what. I wish you well.


Thanks. I was going to talk to her this weekend but after reading this forum for a few days, I know exactly what I need to say to her. Instead of delaying it, I am going to do it tonight.


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## Almostthere (Oct 31, 2010)

[smallthreadjack] Almostthere, you may want to look into what we here in the states would call a post-nuptial agreement (that's after marriage). If I remember correctly, NZ has the Property (Relationships) Act that details the division of the relationship property upon separation or death of married couples, partners in de facto relationships and partners in same sex relationships. However, it does have an "opt-out" provision which would/could only be set aside if it demonstrated "serious injustice." Thus, if the agreement said (using layman's terms here) that you two agreed that Disloyal spouse would "Opt Out" of their portion of house equity and all of the kids' college funds if they committed adultery--that might work.[/smallthreadjack]

Thanks AffairCare
Am 3 years out from EA ending but only 6 mnths from "no contact", there was also drug addiction and emotional abuse from my H's anger issues thrown in the mix that he has since had help for and is recovering well. Has been a rough ride so am now in the place where my self esteem is coming back I am seeing clearly and I am ready to rebuild my life with my Husband but on my conditions! Wish I had joined this site 5 yrs ago when my sorry saga started I would have done things so differently!
Thanks again


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## nel (Nov 21, 2010)

it sad social networking can kill a healthy relationship...but pls bear a thought for those who are left on their own with no other means of talking to people...i'm sorry for what has happened to you..but sometimes without this means of communicating id be isolated even further.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Lookingforanswers1 said:


> I see there are are some messages exchanged on there so I clicked on them only to find out they are chatting about very sexual intimate things. I print out these chats and I confront her about it. She initially said it had just started but eventually broke down and told me she had been "sexting" or texting her ex for the last year and she sent him pictures of herself in various stages of undress. So here we have a somewhat logical women throwing her life away with me, a handsome, successful business man who provided her a lifestyle she could never dream of, for a cheap thrill!


Were you playing with her the way he was? If you don't play with women these days like this they will find it themselves if they have any sort of libido or attractiveness. Women really like it.

So if your question is really about Facebook and texting et al, it's increasingly a key relationship skill and a way to maintain contact and initmacy for many couples.


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## midwestshopgrl (Sep 24, 2010)

Lookingforanswers1, I must say that I admire your strength! I will never understand why the good ones get hooked up with such selfish hurtful people! If you dont want to be in a relationship, dont get into a relationship! When I gave my heart and spoke my vows to
my husband 20 years ago, I meant them! Never did I imagine he would hurt me the way that he did! Good job and good luck!


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## Lookingforanswers1 (Nov 16, 2010)

Atholk said:


> Were you playing with her the way he was? If you don't play with women these days like this they will find it themselves if they have any sort of libido or attractiveness. Women really like it.
> 
> So if your question is really about Facebook and texting et al, it's increasingly a key relationship skill and a way to maintain contact and initmacy for many couples.


Once again, don't try and pin this on me. If she wanted this type of contact, she could have asked me or sent me a racy text. It likely would have turned me on. Fact is, she didn't. She is to blame for this and she will suffer the consequences. 

As an addendum to my original post, I am currently dating one of her "former" best friends. I don't see a future with her but I am quite aware of how she feels about it and it does make it all worthwhile...:smthumbup:


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Don't know about the dating the former friend, but as to everything else; Well played, sir!


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Lookingforanswers1 said:


> Once again, don't try and pin this on me. If she wanted this type of contact, she could have asked me or sent me a racy text. It likely would have turned me on. Fact is, she didn't. She is to blame for this and she will suffer the consequences.
> 
> As an addendum to my original post, I am currently dating one of her "former" best friends. I don't see a future with her but I am quite aware of how she feels about it and it does make it all worthwhile...:smthumbup:


Yes she could have done that I agree. I'm not pinning it on you in that sense, I'm trying to make you aware of what you could have potentially done better to avoid this sort of outcome in the future.

In general women tend to respond to male approaches rather than initiate them. In short if you don't actively "hit on" your current partner and play with them, that opens the door for someone else to. Then **** like this tends to happen. It's all fairly predictable and we see it on this board all the time.

The whole Facebook thing is huge for many people and you really can't ignore what your spouse does on it for too long.


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## Lookingforanswers1 (Nov 16, 2010)

F-102 said:


> Don't know about the dating the former friend, but as to everything else; Well played, sir!


Yes I know it is petty and immature but I guess I am not above it. She clearly was not much of friend to begin with to have approached me right after I broke up with her "friend".


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## Lookingforanswers1 (Nov 16, 2010)

Atholk said:


> Yes she could have done that I agree. I'm not pinning it on you in that sense, I'm trying to make you aware of what you could have potentially done better to avoid this sort of outcome in the future.
> 
> In general women tend to respond to male approaches rather than initiate them. In short if you don't actively "hit on" your current partner and play with them, that opens the door for someone else to. Then **** like this tends to happen. It's all fairly predictable and we see it on this board all the time.
> 
> The whole Facebook thing is huge for many people and you really can't ignore what your spouse does on it for too long.


What you are saying simply absolves the cheating partner of the guilt of acting inappropriate. I don't buy into it. She needed to communicate to me what she wanted, desired not seek it out elsewhere. That was her fault, not mine.

You say in general women respond to male approaches versus initiate them - so does that place all the onus completely on the man to keep a marriage relationship fresh and exciting? Are women in your world, just sounding boards, waiting for a man to flirt with them, unable to communicate their thoughts and feelings to a spouse/partner? Frankly, if she was the woman you describe, I don't want her in my life nor any woman that behaves like her. I want a woman who will tell me what she thinks and feels, not make me guess and then decide to stray.


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