# Is there a situation where sex outside the marriage is acceptable?



## FredGarvin (Nov 30, 2012)

My wife has a chronic health condition that prevents her from doing much of anything physical. I have to help her, take care of the house, cook, manage children and work full time. I harbor some resentment for this, much of her health problems are difficult but I don't feel like she has taken all the steps she can to take care of herself. 

As some ladies (and fellas) can attest to, its hard to be attracted to someone whom you resent and have to take care of all the time. 

I love her, she's a good person and I don't want to get a divorce and break up my family. I want a sex life. I have read MMSL and tried the MAP etc.. but at this point I am left with the option of sticking with porn (god bless porn), or seeking sex outside the marriage. I don't want to have an affair or a long term situation, just a sex life. And at this point she is unable, unwilling and sadly, just not attractive to me. 

So what would you do in this situation? I am disinclined to break up my family because of my little head, but I don't want to be miserable either. Life is stressful and I miss sex. Do I ask for sex outside our nuptials and break her heart? Do I keep it on the 'Down low' and hope I am not exposed later on? Is there a circumstance where this is acceptable???

FG


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

No. You must realize she isnt getting sex either. No doubt she is suffering from low self esteem and not feeling attractive. Have you bothered to try to make her feel sexy? You know she probably resents you as well. Your just going without sex. She is going without sex as well as suffering from an illness that prevents her from doing what she wants to do. 

Cheating is not right on any level and certainly not on the "down low" Dont play that poor woman for a fool. If you honestly cant see beyond yourself.... Just divorce her. Cheating will only destroy her. Dont go that route.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

The only way it can be acceptable would be if both parties agreed to it.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Dude my wife is totally HEALTHY and I haven't been laid since back in February of this year(10 months ago), but cheating is not and never will be an option for me even though I totally miss having sex and want it badly. Now if this keeps up along with all the other crap going on in our marriage, then I will be asking her for a seperation and then a possible divorce in the coming months.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Some people do comprimise their morals to keep a family together. It has been done, and will continue to be done since the dawn of ages.

Only you can decide if the sex outside marriage is worth the stress, deception and living a double life that it would entail. 

Does she give you occassional sex? Unless her girl bits are sewn shut I can't see why she would not realize that a man is a man and has needs. What is your communication level like? Can you just be dead honest and say 'I love you dear but I have to have some sex once a week, or every second week to stay in our marriage'. 
Have you told her this loud and clear? If so what does she say?


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

FredGarvin said:


> So what would you do in this situation?


If I were in your position I think I would approach my wife, choosing my words very carefully, and voice my concerns and hear her's in return. She may put forward solutions you have not considered or negated already.

I would be careful about how and what I say given that she isn't able to change her physical condition. Also attraction is a state of mind (it has changed since you married), so it is likely to change again. So I think the problem and the solution lies in the mind (not in the body you choose to make love to).

I second others point on having an affiar. An affair is a new problem, not a solution to an old one because they involve people. An affiar seems to be a solution to the act of sex. A prosititue is the only way to have string-free sexual release with privacy, that I can think of (and again there are issues there too so I am not promoting it as a solution to your real problem).


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

waiwera said:


> The only way it can be acceptable would be if both parties agreed to it.


This.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Yes. If she was laid up and COULDN'T perform ANY sexual function, than I could see it...after a year or so of frustration and with a tacit and perhaps unspoken understanding.

But that isn't the problem you face. It's one of getting her to take care of herself more and to rid yourself of the resentment.

I recall on a Doogie Howser episode that they had the interns wear glasses which hurt their vision, put splints on their fingers and put braces on their legs so they could see how irritating and demeaning it was to be sick.

She might not be taking 100% care of herself...but that doesn't mean her life is a walk in the park. 

Consult a doctor and maybe a therapist.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

FredGarvin said:


> ...but I don't feel like she has taken all the steps she can to take care of herself.


I'll be the first to note that cheating generally a bad idea and not something I would do myself.

That being said, the quoted part above is huge. While the OPs wife cannot help being sick, she certainly can control whether she does everything possible to manage her disease. In fact, I would say she has a responsibility to do everything in her power to be a reasonably capable wife.

However, the fact remains that people can be reluctant to seek help or follow doctor's orders for health issues. I know a person who could manage her disease better by adhering to doctor's recommendations, but has refused to consistently follow medical advice.

I have the following questions for the OP:

1) Why do you feel your wife is not doing all she can to manage her disease? Does she refuse to take medication or follow doctor's orders?

2) With a serious condition I imagine she sees a doctor regularly (say, quarterly) - have you ever offered to go with her so you can learn about her condition and how to better manage it?

3) Is her health so bad she can endure little or no physical activity? Or, is it more a case of her having some physical abilities (or has some "good days") and chooses to use what ability she has doing things for herself? If it's the latter, that is unacceptable. Particularly if her ability is limited, you should be at the top of the list of needs to address when she can.

Let us know if you don't mind. Know that my ex liked to play up her health issues so I some idea of what you might be going through.


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## jameskimp (May 8, 2012)

You are not getting any sex, resentful of taking care of your wife who is permanently disabled and who uses that to her full advantage, not attracted to your wife, and unhappy overall in your marriage.

Why are you staying exactly?

Talk it over with your wife. Express all these feelings that you have expressed to us and let us know what she suggests because you shouldn't have to continue like this just for the sake of your kids who will undoubtedly suffer in an unhappy marriage.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Wow ok so just because the woman has a pvssy means she should just give it up anytime the man wants it? Uh no. She is a woman and she has needs as well and considering he has already cheated he is no doubt trying to paint his disabled wife out to be worse then she probably is. After all if he makes her look like the bad guy then he can justify cheating. 

For all we know it could be ver painful for her to have sex. Unless his vows did nor include for better or for worse, in sickness and in health then he is just trying to find loopholes in those vows to fullfill his own selfish needs. 

No duh people have went outside thier marriages and will continue to do si because they are self centered creatures. It doesnt make it right. 

So many on here seem to believe or act like a marriage should only be... For better or better. Then again I guess thats the type of vows taken hmm? 

By the way I have three kids with the man I am with and I would rather leave if things cant be worked out then cheat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jamjon (Aug 6, 2012)

Gaia said:


> .......then he is just trying to find loopholes in those vows to fullfill his own selfish needs.....


Since when is sex for anyone male or female just a 'selfish need'? We're wired for it and it can't be surprising that even the best of us wouldn't entertain these thoughts.

I'm with you that it's a two-person problem, and likely just as much of a problem for her. I would suggest counseling (preferably for both) or mediation where both could have an honest discussion about their entire relationship as it is- resentments, expectations, desires, limitations, etc. Hopefully leading to constructive solutions.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I never said sex is a selfish need. Niether is a woman wanting affection from her man selfish. What is selfish is to go out and acting on ones urges without regard to the person you pledged your life to. By the way I do apologize for saying the OP cheated. Clearly I got this thread mixed up with another.

This reminds me of a woman I knew in person. I used to be neighboors with her. She would go on and on and on about how her husband didnt care about her, she was lonely, he was an ass who never thought of her and if he couldnt be bothered to satisfy her then she was perfectly justified in hopping on another mans ****. 

I asked her where he was and she casually replied that he is deployed. I then asked her how the hell she expected him to satisfy anything while he was deployed. According to her he should rush back home whenever she wanted him and if he didnt then he was just a selfish ass. 

I asked her if she considered what he was going through and how he feels... She then decided to tell me he was a man and the only purpose a man has is to cater to a womans every whim. Of course she didnt like what I told her after that bit in short I told her she was an ignorant bytch that had her head stuck too far up her rear.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FredGarvin (Nov 30, 2012)

Thanks for all the replies. 

Here is where my head is, much of the premise could be me fishing for a rationalization to have sex outside of marriage. I recognize that. Marriage counseling (and/or Therapy) is in the works an I am the first to admit that I haven't communicated clearly or set appropriate boundaries.

But I am plagued by thoughts, not of the worst case scenario (a fear for sure, but not an inevitability), but of the mostly badish scenario. 

MC is attended and communication improves. Reasonable boundaries are set which include, most importantly, that she make every reasonable effort to take care of herself and improve her health. Also, that as her health improves she makes an effort to manage her life, participate more fully in the family and by way of this topic, have sex x times per week. All suggestions made with the understanding that on a week to week basis one's suffering level would merit flexibility and understanding in the boundary department.

And on my end I communicate better, make an effort to help her heal, feel special, loved and supported. I work to overcome my growing resentment (this would be the hardest for me right now). Regarding the sex, I do what I can to make her be more interested in having sex with me. (cue the Barry White).

And things get somewhat better. As some time passes she falls back into old habits (which I have reinforced, regretably) and I am not able to get passed the resentment. At this point the only chip I have left to play is divorce. If I see (many, not all) her problems as things she can improve herself and she chooses not to take the steps necessary to address her health problems and make those improvements what else can I do other than leave? 

And If I don't want to leave -- stay and be miserable to keep the family together? Look for sex outside the marriage? Drinking??

So that's where I am. 

FredGarvin



+


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You know what hurt the most when my old lady was phucking around on me ....was the betrayal!


I don't think my wife grew up wanting to sleep around, just like I didn't didn't grow thinking I wanted to be a wife beater. But sh1t happens and decieving your self and then decieving your oldlady is just messed up.

There is no easy road, just honor and indegrity.

Your move!


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I don't blame you one little bit for feeling resentment.
You feel like your doing your very best and get little or no appreciation, love or affection.

I also get that you also want passion and connection...you want to be wanted and desired. Fair enough.

That's a long way from where you are now. Do you think it's likely? Or possible for you to get from where you are now to what ever level of sex and affection you need/desire? 

You DO have some big decisions to make...but please please don't go outside of your marriage for sex...with anyone (going to a prostitute is no better than a affair or ONS). 

If you wonder why go spend 5 minutes on the coping with infidelity boards... 
I dare you not to (want to) cry at the words in the betrayed spouses posts...they are just heart breaking.

Don't inflict that on your wife... a divorce is painful for all involved...don't add the betrayal of infidelity into the mix.

If you use the divorce card you do of course have to be willing to go through with it... she may have a realization of what she is going to lose and come to the party. Or she may not. Either way you do deserve to have a happy healthy sex life.

Be the good man that you clearly are... do the right thing, in the right way.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

waiwera said:


> The only way it can be acceptable would be if both parties agreed to it.


even then......:scratchhead:


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

wiigirl said:


> even then......:scratchhead:


Yes... must admit I see this move as a final death roll for a marriage.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

To me, sex is a whole lot more than just a warm hole to rub inside, if it was just about the physical outlet, masturbation will do. But people can lead celibate lives and survive. It seems what you are craving is not just sex, but the intimate sexual connection with a woman, for someone to have made vows to forsake all others how could one have that with someone else? I don't think even disability is cause to cheat or have sexual relations because that is just too horrible for the disabled.

In my own opinion of course, if it comes down to it, I think you'd be better off to meet your needs within your marriage, either by finding a way with your W, or by taking care of the physical side yourself, and if you can't have those needs met within the marriage then divorce. I know it sounds cruel and judgemental, but try as I may to empathize with the disabled, if I had the mental capacity enough to cherish my marriage but not to find a sexual outlet for my spouse I'd be absolutely devastated to be cast aside like that.


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## Ina (Dec 3, 2012)

I respect what you are going through, and understand it is a difficult situation. I also understand that sex and love can be two different things. But as i read your posts I'm wondering how much affection, compassion, and love you have for your W. It seems that you are having difficulty looking at things from her perspective. The resentment is clear, you see her as an obligation. I wonder though if she doesn't sense this, and how your actions are contributing to what your perceive is her not keeping her end of the bargain. But to me, it doesn't appear like you are keeping your end either. If i was going through what she is going through, i'm not sure what it would take to make me feel sexy again. But knowing my husband doesn't see me that way anymore, would only make it more difficult. I'm not trying to judge you, but my suggestion would be for you to try and imagine what would it be like if the roles were reversed. If you all of a sudden thought of yourself as useless, if your body no longer worked the way it should, if you wondered what your purpose was, and what you had to look forward to, and then had to deal with the harsh reality that your W no longer wanted you. What would you need from her then? I'm not sure you can be the H she deserves, because let's face it whether you choose infidelity or divorce, it's still you looking out for you. Don't sugar coat it, it is what it is. They are both sad options, they will both hurt your wife and family. No getting around it. One just makes you a liar above other things. And only you know what you can live with. But at the end of the day, you may not have it in you to look at her the way she needs to be looked at, and support her through this process. And she is no better off with you than without if that is the case. But if there is still something there, then maybe if you try to be what she needs you may help her find her way back to being what you need. A simple touch can go a long way. Good luck.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Gaia said:


> No. You must realize she isnt getting sex either. No doubt she is suffering from low self esteem and not feeling attractive. Have you bothered to try to make her feel sexy? You know she probably resents you as well. Your just going without sex. She is going without sex as well as suffering from an illness that prevents her from doing what she wants to do.
> 
> Cheating is not right on any level and certainly not on the "down low" Dont play that poor woman for a fool. If you honestly cant see beyond yourself.... Just divorce her. Cheating will only destroy her. Dont go that route.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Michael A. Brown (Oct 16, 2012)

I do understand you. You are only the one who can decide with it.


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

No Fred, 
it never, ever is acceptable for any reason.
Ever.

Go back and read reply #10 by Jameskimp.
He has the correct answer in each single word he wrote.

Study it. Heed it. Be man enough to address your situation and clearly state your situation with your poor, sick, unattractive wife.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

Yes Fred, it is acceptable if you both agree on it so talk with her about a open marriage and that talk may also open her eye that what is going on is not working for you and things are almost over.

She may just see you now as a caregiver and not as her sexual husband since you do so much to take care of her.I think if she knows you will walk if there are no changes she will change, because she will not want to lose her support,but right now she knows you are going nowhere so why should she change.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

FredGarvin said:


> My wife has a chronic health condition that prevents her from doing much of anything physical. I have to help her, take care of the house, cook, manage children and work full time. I harbor some resentment for this, much of her health problems are difficult but I don't feel like she has taken all the steps she can to take care of herself.
> 
> As some ladies (and fellas) can attest to, its hard to be attracted to someone whom you resent and have to take care of all the time.
> 
> ...


You will get no (go for it) responses here!! As the younger kids say these days YOLO (you only live once) there are no do overs it's a huge game of risk/reward.


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## pandorabox (Dec 7, 2012)

What is an extension of her disability?


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## theredwildflower (Dec 10, 2012)

Hi FG

I feel for you and I know what you might be going through.

I'm in a similar situation with my husband. At first the though of having sex out side of my marriage was an obession. However over time that feeling faded because it was just lust for another man. I also recognised is was purely biological.

I have however realised that sitting down with my husband and not making him feel guilty but encourage him to help himself and stroke his ego a little. I find people are more inclined to help themself when their are encouraged rather than criticised.

Having a affair is never nice for the other person, we all know that. The question is why are you having the affair if that is the direction you want to go.

If it's purely for sexual gratification you need to take into consideration of the consequences. How will you feel afterwards and what if you catch something?

I did recently kissed a guy and as a result of kissing him, I realised how good I had it with my husband and although I didn't feel guilty about the kiss, I just knew I would feel guilty about the sex. I'm not denying the sexual urge wasnt strong but it gave me enough time to reflect how amazing my marriage was and I just didn't want to risk that.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

OhGeesh-But I did tell him to GO FOR IT and so did some other,not everybody is of the same mind on here.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

theredwildflower said:


> I did recently kissed a guy and as a result of kissing him, I realised how good I had it with my husband and although I didn't feel guilty about the kiss, I just knew I would feel guilty about the sex. I'm not denying the sexual urge wasnt strong but it gave me enough time to reflect how amazing my marriage was and I just didn't want to risk that.


Did you tell your spouse?


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## Carolynann1000 (Dec 10, 2012)

I have been married for 20 years and have not had proper sex for 20 yes as hubby can't get an erection. He does not want to play or share in my vibrator experience. Now I am about to meet a man as I desperately want to have intimacy. I can see that the continual frustration is making me I'll and that this other relationship (which I started online) is giving me excitement. I won't leave hubby as I love him and I am also his carer


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Carolynann1000 said:


> I have been married for 20 years and have not had proper sex for 20 yes as hubby can't get an erection. He does not want to play or share in my vibrator experience. Now I am about to meet a man as I desperately want to have intimacy. I can see that the continual frustration is making me I'll and that this other relationship (which I started online) is giving me excitement. I won't leave hubby as I love him and I am also his carer


You don't need to leave your H, but you do owe him the truth so he can decide if he wants to leave you.


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## Carolynann1000 (Dec 10, 2012)

This thing is a lot more complicated. If we were to split up then he would have to go into a home as he needs a carer. I am partly angry because he is so f....ed up with his early religious conditioning as a child and his passive hostilility to those who do enjoy sex and consider it a marital right. I am his second marriage and he had 3 children in his first but won't talk about it.

If he has never culminated our marriage by entering into me, then I understand our marriage is not legal? I think I was just a comfort person after his painful split and his need to have a woman at home to cook, clean etc. Although he did try sex with me but couldn't maintain an erection. Then I came into some money and that makes staying with me more necessary as we now have a roof over our heads.
I consider is my right to have some sort of intimacy. Is there something I can give him to loosen him up? He is 80 years old and a lot older than I am. Are you going to tell me I shouldn't be horny at my age?
There is no way I want to hurt him more so perhaps the only answer is for me to continue as a lonely woman will end her life wishing she had never met her husband.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Your situation is pretty tough to advise on. Nobody here is going to say go out and have an affair! But I can certainly understand your dilemma if he is 80, ill, and unwilling to try.

I don't think you should be doomed to an earthly purgatory. You might be able to get your marriage annulled on the basis of never being consummated. Or you could just divorce him, but there would probably be a fight over money. Is there enough $ you could make this a business proposition for him? You give him enough to buy him good care, and he agrees to an uncontested divorce?

Alternatively you could offer him a deal where you get an open marriage and in return you ensure he is cared for.

He has not shown good faith in his dealings with you, and you are justified in seeking big changes. I don't feel too terribly sorry for him because it sounds like he has used you for your caregiving and your money. On the other hand I am morally opposed to secret extramarital affairs.

What are his big needs? Can you find a way to a win-win deal?


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Carolynann1000 said:


> This thing is a lot more complicated. If we were to split up then he would have to go into a home as he needs a carer. I am partly angry because he is so f....ed up with his early religious conditioning as a child and his passive hostilility to those who do enjoy sex and consider it a marital right. I am his second marriage and he had 3 children in his first but won't talk about it.
> 
> If he has never culminated our marriage by entering into me, then I understand our marriage is not legal? I think I was just a comfort person after his painful split and his need to have a woman at home to cook, clean etc. Although he did try sex with me but couldn't maintain an erection. Then I came into some money and that makes staying with me more necessary as we now have a roof over our heads.
> I consider is my right to have some sort of intimacy. Is there something I can give him to loosen him up? He is 80 years old and a lot older than I am. Are you going to tell me I shouldn't be horny at my age?
> There is no way I want to hurt him more so perhaps the only answer is for me to continue as a lonely woman will end her life wishing she had never met her husband.


Your husband is 80? It's over. If he's not been having sex up until now, he sure isn't about to now.

Why did you marry this man?


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## Carolynann1000 (Dec 10, 2012)

Thank you Thor, for your sensitive reply. And I am a bit tearful to share this with someone. I have not had conseeling etc.
There is not enough money to buy him care. The little savings I have would not even buy a year of respite or care. In fact if he were to go into a nursing home, they would leave me the house but take every other $ to pay for it, leaving me to manage (not very well) on the aged pension. As a carer, my life mainly consists of cleaning, cooking, doing his surgical dressings, maintaining the yard and making sure I am on phone contact when I go out (shopping, hydrotherapy). When he first came home from surgery, he needed me there all the time. To get out of the house I started some volunteer work at the local Home doing their music. Now he tolerates me being out for 3 hour periods doing this. Now his eyesight is beginning to go so I manage all bills, banking etc. and he is intensely shy and antisocial and does not have any other friends excepting his youngest son. he has his pride too.
You are right that he has, and is using me but we do have a sort of friendship and I want him to end his days happy as he has endured so much illness and pain in his life.
I do not advocate extramarital relationships and they are not to be taken lightly.
I enjoy my musical sessions with the oldies and this is my only respite. At first he was very angry when I said I wanted to play piano at the home but now he accepts it. He does not like music and I can't play my piano as it is in the sitting room where he sits. At times he is sweet and generous, and at times I am content with my lot - except for needs to be intimate, cuddly and sexual
So you see my needs. And my torment.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Have you talked to you husband about how open he would be to you having sexual gratification outside of the marriage? Honestly, the place he's in (elderly, impotent, introverted, sick) he has to be very well aware that his current state is absolutely tormenting, and stifling, his younger wife. He might be more open to the idea of you finding romantic and sexual fulfillment outside of the marriage, which isn't really even much of a marriage to begin with to be honest, as long as you remain his care giver and companion. 

I actually think it would be quite cruel of him to expect fidelity at this point, seeing as you're staying mainly for the sake of taking care of him. Your "husband" doesn't treat you like a wife, he treats you like a friendly nurse. It's unfortunate that his life, and your life, and the choices you both made, have landed you here, but something has got to give.


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## pandorabox (Dec 7, 2012)

Carolynann I really feel for you. Go and find someone before it's too late - you still can enjoy life. We usually do not have an affair as we have loyalty and respect to marriage. But respect and loyalty needs to be earned. And I don't think you own anything to your husband - he is sucking a life out of you instead of giving it to you.


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## Carolynann1000 (Dec 10, 2012)

Jaquen, no I have not talked to my husband about any of this and I think he would be horrified andvshocked if I talked to him about friendship outside marriage. He expects husband and wife 'for better for worse' etc. His own needs are security and dignity at present. The only way I can see is for me to fulfill any needs I may have secretly and allow him to keep his esteem. Asked earlier why I married him - well I had just come out of a marriagevwith domestic violence andvwas fragile and he treated me well and with kindness.then we ran a law practise together,working really hard until the time he started to get ill when we became more impoverished. It was only 3 years ago that I began to get sexual feelings back.he likes an occasional cuddle and I can stroke him 'down there' but that is as far as intimacy gets.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Yes, for better and worse, he's your husband Carolyn. And you need to tell him.


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## Carolynann1000 (Dec 10, 2012)

Pandorabox, I don't feel as though he is sucking life out of me. It's a bit like living at home with a strict parent who watches you all the time when you want to go out and play! My problem may come if I do find someone else. I do 'chat' to a few people on SecondLife and also quite like a man on NewScientist connect.otherwise I can't see how I would meet anyone.
Also I don't have any family in this country (Australia)where I migrated to so I feel pretty alone.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I'd like to see how you'd feel if the situation was reversed and your wife came here asking the exact same question.Somehow I don't think you'd be ok with her wanting to do it.


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## J.R.Jefferis (Jun 27, 2012)

FredGarvin said:


> So what would you do in this situation? I am disinclined to break up my family because of my little head, but I don't want to be miserable either. Life is stressful and I miss sex. Do I ask for sex outside our nuptials and break her heart? Do I keep it on the 'Down low' and hope I am not exposed later on? Is there a circumstance where this is acceptable???
> 
> FG


Absolutely not. Satisfying your sexual needs would be to totally ignore your wife's situation and needs, which in my view is extremely self-centered. Marriage is about satisfying and, in this case, taking care of your spouse, not yourself. Happy marriages only exist where each partner is able to overlook the inclinations of his/her ego and put aside personal desires for the good of the relationship.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Carolynann1000 said:


> His own needs are security and dignity at present.


As Begonias put it, how would you feel if the tables were turned? My wife works with the elderly and I hear stories from her which make me realize there is room for a lot of moral grey areas sometimes. If a person is dying in the next few days no matter what and is in great pain, is it wrong to push morphine to kill the pain, even if it gets to the point of stopping the patient's heart?

And so with your situation there are probably many instances like this. I worked with a man who was about 50 and whose wife, also 50, had become incapacitated by self inflicted obesity and the related complications. He wrestled with his moral obligations to stay married "for better or worse, in sickness and in health".

Would your husband's dignity be preserved by you having an extra-marital affair?

If it were you who were ill and unable to participate in the marriage, what would you want your spouse to do?

Is it fair for you if he is on the side of always taking from you in order to meet his needs of care, $, and dignity? Is it fair that he is unable or unwilling to meet your basic needs in a marriage? How do you get your dignity respected in this relationship?

If you were my mother, sister, or daughter, what would I advise you to do? I would say you have the right to seek to have your needs met. That's the bottom line. I would encourage you to be honest with your husband about your needs. I would prefer you to attempt the high road. If there is to be unhappiness, I would prefer it come from attempting the high road rather than from you doing something you feel is wrong (cheating) and the fallout from being discovered.


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## Carolynann1000 (Dec 10, 2012)

Funny question - if it were me would I want my husband to be happy. I am sensitive and need a positive home life above all. So if an affair were to perk him up (and I notice he is perked up if my women friends visit or nurses give him extra attention) that would benefit both of us.
I think I have made up my mind. This man eats up my money, my time, any career I might have had and this will continue. There are 2 of us and all I ask is to have a friendship outside of this hungry marriage. I will look after him till one or the other dies - unless he wants otherwise. Signing off.


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## pandorabox (Dec 7, 2012)

Carolynann1000 said:


> Pandorabox, I don't feel as though he is sucking life out of me. It's a bit like living at home with a strict parent who watches you all the time when you want to go out and play! My problem may come if I do find someone else. I do 'chat' to a few people on SecondLife and also quite like a man on NewScientist connect.otherwise I can't see how I would meet anyone.
> Also I don't have any family in this country (Australia)where I migrated to so I feel pretty alone.


Not sure what age are you but it's really difficult to meet people - I thought about it too - we can't just hang around bars 
Which state are you in? I'm in the same position - no family whatsoever and in Australia 

Happy you made your decision - people make criticize you but it's your life - it will not last forever - better have regrets and live then don't live it at all.

By the way there are website where people create meet up groups to meet other people like "business girls", "ladies over 40", etc That's one of the options to meet other people in good and safe environment


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## Carolynann1000 (Dec 10, 2012)

I am in my 60's and live in queens land. And would appreciate a link to the website you mention- no we cannot hang around bars! I can't see anyone criticizing me except on this site because I will be discrete and keep husband secure and happy.we will spend chritmas together but guess what -I am actually going out to a jazz concert this s unsay with a girlfriend and shall so enjoy going. Thank you Pandorabox- are you in Oz?


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## Carolynann1000 (Dec 10, 2012)

Sorry I see you are in Oz! Wonder which state-I am near Toowoomba.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Carolynann1000 said:


> I am in my 60's and live in queens land. And would appreciate a link to the website you mention- no we cannot hang around bars! I can't see anyone criticizing me except on this site because I will be discrete and keep husband secure and happy.we will spend chritmas together but guess what -I am actually going out to a jazz concert this s unsay with a girlfriend and shall so enjoy going. Thank you Pandorabox- are you in Oz?


Nobody is criticizing you here, most of of have just been through infidelity, either on the receiving or the taking end, and realize just how utterly destructive it is, to both spouses. But it does seem that this has turned from a "what is moral" question to a "where is a good website to get laid" question.

Your situation seems different than many because your infirm H is no longer able to meet your needs in the marriage and is apparently on his death bed. But your situation is NO different at all, like all people considering adultery you have unfulfilled needs. You don't need validation from any particular website to make this decision, it is yours alone and you are the one that will have to live with it.

Thing is, you still have many healthy years ahead of you - my grandpa passed away at 65 and grandma is now in her 80's, remarried a few years ago (and I'm pretty sure it was for sex). So how long can you go on pretending to love your H, while just actually feeling obligated to him? What if you meet an attractive man who wants to be part of your life, how are you going to swing two families? You cannot keep this secret - you will be taking your love out of the marriage, even if your H doesn't find out, you still are not giving him all the love you've vowed to him.

Since being betrayed in my marriage I personally know for a fact that I would much sooner rather die divorced than to find out in my last days I was being deceived, how humiliated I would feel, especially knowing I had virtually no chance to find that kind of loving relationship with anyone ever again because it would probably take more years to heal from the wound than I had left.

But since it really sounds like you've already made the decision to take it outside of the marriage and were just looking on this site for justifications, which I don't think you will find here because this site seems to hold onto the pro-marriage/pro-divorce people.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I personally do not agree with it. It actually sounds like your wife is trying hard too. There are women who wouldn't even try.

I have chronic health issues. My husband has supported me sexless or not. Now I know he'd never leave me or stray outside the marriage. It's a great feeling knowing that he will always be here for me and he shows it daily. He really took his vows seriously. I do my best around here with what I'm able to. My husband also helps me when I'm stuck in bed and unable to get out for whatever reason. He knows I'm not in bed for simple reasons. I push myself as much as I possibly can without causing too much extra pain.:/. It's not easy living a life in the doctors hands either. It's not easy living with chronic health issues and physical pain, especially since my husband did not sign up for this, I was very healthy the first 8 years of our marriage and I was a runner of 6 miles 6/7 days a week. We went through a period where there was nothing for months about 4.5 years ago. My husband is also one of the most unselfish people I know and I really value him for it. We are also in a very happy marriage. 

If we had an unhappy marriage it would be different. We would either fix it or discontinue the relationship/marriage. Life has drastically changed and it has not been easy. I'd be much worse off without the support of my husband and doctors. Without my husband I'd most likely be depressed as well.

Whatever you do is obviously up to you. There are always consequences to our actions.


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## FredGarvin (Nov 30, 2012)

Interesting dialogue...
I do think there are some situations where seeking something outside of marriage is a viable solution. Carolynann1000 seems to be an example. 

I recognize that cheating on my wife would be acting out sexually. I'm not going to do that (but I really miss sex). The mature thing is to address the problems and set some boundaries. 

First she needs to address her health issues, take better care of herself and attend therapy/mc. Right now she is diabetic, obese and has COPD along with the chronic pain. I am supportive, I do love her, but from my perspective she isn't doing the things she needs to manage her health problems. 

Once we get some minimal progress on those we can address the lack of sex and the resentment. Through counseling, honesty, openness, hard work we can get back to something closer to a marriage. 

If she isn't willing to work on these things then I don't have any options (leverage) other than getting a divorce. 

I recognize that sounds harsh but as my wife and the mother of my child she needs to take care of herself and participate (within reason) in our relationship. 

And my fear is that she won't do these things or worse still, will slowly fade out of the world. 

FredGarvin

Either way, its back to the porn for me.


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## pandorabox (Dec 7, 2012)

Carolynann1000 said:


> Sorry I see you are in Oz! Wonder which state-I am near Toowoomba.


Such a pity - I'm in Perth We could hit the town together 
I thought that page was only for Perth but it's Australia wide!!!
I bet you will find a lot of groups which will interest you and it's a great way to get out of the house. You go girl - I was considering the same for years but as my husband is not sick I just kicked his butt out. Never felt more alive


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Lon said:


> Thing is, you still have many healthy years ahead of you - my grandpa passed away at 65 and grandma is now in her 80's, remarried a few years ago (and I'm pretty sure it was for sex).
> 
> people.


Remarried for sex in her 80's. I will just be happy to be alive in my 80's. I have no desire to be having sex at that age.


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## pandorabox (Dec 7, 2012)

gbrad said:


> Remarried for sex in her 80's. I will just be happy to be alive in my 80's. I have no desire to be having sex at that age.


Not sure how old are you now but please try to remember that where we were teenagers we thought people over 40 having sex or even kiss are gross.

I'm in my 40s and my best friend is almost 80. The most mischief I get into is with her only. Every party - she is the soul of it.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

If you discuss it and you both agree for a specific time period (so you can reassess and change the arrangement down the line) and it doesnt make you both more miserable, why not?

I could see myself doing this if my husband was super attentive loving and affectionate when he was with me and his trysts would have to happen during times we arent normally together. I also you never want to see or hear any evidence of the arrangement. When it was over I would never want to talk about again. I must at no time doubt he loves me. I would not want my husband to have to abstain from sex. Condemning someone to a life like that is cruel.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

pandorabox said:


> Not sure how old are you now but please try to remember that where we were teenagers we thought people over 40 having sex or even kiss are gross.
> 
> I'm in my 40s and my best friend is almost 80. The most mischief I get into is with her only. Every party - she is the soul of it.


It is one thing to get into mishchief, sex is completely different. I didn't think that adults kissing when I was younger was gross. I think that seeing an old couple give a quick kiss is cute. More than that, no thanks.


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## mmmniple (Dec 16, 2012)

hi Fred.I can not say if it is acceptable or not,only you can .

I understand you feel resentmen if you see she doesnt try change,take care of herself and participate .

Relationship is two persons,and both must work on it.
I think you should talk her without fear and tell how do you feel.

You need a change (and searching sex out is not the solution because sex are not the real problem)

I think your problem is more complex than only the sex :you are human and have feelings.
You need feel apreciated,loved,... and it seems you have lack of it.

She should understand and tried to change it or broken will be the solution.it is untenable.(you would feel guilty but you must not feel as now for her selfish)

About sex,i would like know what you call "sex" or "normal sex" ,only intercourse?
maybe she can not has intercouse,but they are a lot of way of having sex.Many people disabled has sex and are really happy with their sexual life.

Only have to discover your way,but first solve the resentment feelings.After your could try a lot of things ,sex is more than intercouse and nowadays you can found a lot of diferent ways (she can masturbate you (i dont understand why you need do alone with your porn,is far great doing with the person you love),or you do it while she caresses you,or sucking her nipples,ask her suck yours,ask play teasing you,oral sex,massages...use your imagination and search on internet/books,you would found a lot of interesting things.

Also can add some male toys (prostate massage is a real turn on ,buy an aneros and found a new world.and no,anal sex is not dirty ,nor for homosexual males.it is a stupid myth)

i hope your situation improve
your
dan


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