# I have a problem.....



## andromeda (Mar 16, 2010)

I am new here, married for 15 years and 40 years old. We have an 11 year old son and live the typical suburban life. My big problem lately is that I don't like sex. My dh is many times depressed, he hates the world and everyone in it, he criticizes everything and is NEVER happy with where he is in life. He thinks everyone is out to get him and out to make his life miserable. He has put on about 30 pounds since we got married and he has no desire to try to lose weight, he just doesn't care.

So, that was brief and I probably need to post in the depression section but this is my main issue for today, LOL. The sex thing.

I have been on birth control pills for the past 15 years. My dh will NOT get a vasectomy and he is not real good at using condoms so the BC stuff is in my court, so to speak. I think the BC pills are affecting my hormones really badly as I have absolutely NO sex drive. I mean zero. You could put the hottest male actor in front of me and I get zero, zilch, no feeling whatsoever. I go to the gym and see the hot and ripped guys and I used to at least have little thoughts of admiration, now I have nothing.

I recently went for a bunch of bloodwork and have gotten 3 opinions. One doc thinks I have a pituitary tumor and that it may be affecting my hormones but 2 docs just say it's a hormonal problem due to the BC pills. My dh wants me off the BC pills but I still have about 10 years before menopause and I really don't trust him to wear a condom as he's proven before that he hates them and doesn't want to use them.

Sex for us is about 1-2x a week and it usually resorts to me giving him head and just having a quickie b/c there's no reason to have any foreplay since I can't get stimulated anyway. I also find that if the sex lasts more than a few minutes I end up in pain and get so raw that I can't get any pleasure from it. The lubrication jellies make it burn even more and I get caught in this vicious cycle of wanting to keep my marriage alive but getting frustrated. It's not like my husband is really trying to make himself attractive(not just physically but in general) as his personality is so negative that it's hard for me to even want to have sex with him.

I told him I want to go to counseling by myself just so I can learn to deal with his negativity and depression issues. He knows we have issues and that I'm not attracted to him because of his attitudes and issues. He admits that he's the bigger problem in our marriage and he likes to joke that I should leave him and that I got the short end of the stick in our marriage. Yet, I still love him and I don't want to rip our family apart just b/c he's negative and miserable with his own ego issues. So, do I just keep having sex just to keep things status quo and do the counseling and see how it goes? If I talk to him about it, do I ask him to entertain a vasectomy again? Sigh, just don't know!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

andromeda said:


> You could put the hottest male actor in front of me and I get zero, zilch, no feeling whatsoever. I go to the gym and see the hot and ripped guys and I used to at least have little thoughts of admiration, now I have nothing.


This is me, too. i got this way because there is zero romance or intimacy in my relationship. If we have sex its the same thing, same place, same everything every time. I'm bored and uninterested. My day-to-day interactions with my H is not intimate at all; we are just friends basically. After a few years of dealing with that all my drive towards sex died. I think if you dont leave a relationship where there is zero romantic or sexual connection, then you're sex drive will die. 

It could be the BC. but im not on any BC and my sex drive was normal before i was with my H. I know if i left and started dating again my sex drive would come back.


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## andromeda (Mar 16, 2010)

So, Blanca, what keeps you in your marriage? I feel like dh and I are just good friends who love eachother but there's no spark on my end. Again, remember I said there were other issues and they put a damper on the sexual side of things, but still I might have some feelings if he wasn't so abrasive.

I feel so much at a loss and I'm not sure counseling will help but at least it would give me someone to spill it all out to!


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## steve71 (Feb 5, 2010)

Hi andromeda

from what you've written it sounds to me as if hubby is imploding with anger/depression. Is he not willing to address whatever is eating him up? I reckon you can't exclude his problems from any assessment of your own apparent loss of interest in sex. Perhaps you could both consider seeing counselors separately?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Speaking of the birth control issue, is there any reason you can't get a Copper NON-hormonal IUD (Paragard)? http://www.paragard.com/home.php

This is done completely in the office, no surgery, can stay in up to 12 years - by then you will be in menopause anyway. Once it is in- you can completely forget about it. No pills, no mess, no worries & you can't feel it at all -ever. I know this sounds silly, but I LOVE my IUD- been in 3 years now, zero problems. Highly highly recommended.  

Can't speak for any of the other issues, but to help your drive, this could only be a plus. Docs try to aim these at women who have had at least 1 child , are monogomous, and something that can stay in literally YEARS, and those looking for something NON-hormonal.


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## andromeda (Mar 16, 2010)

steve71 said:


> Hi andromeda
> 
> from what you've written it sounds to me as if hubby is imploding with anger/depression. Is he not willing to address whatever is eating him up? I reckon you can't exclude his problems from any assessment of your own apparent loss of interest in sex. Perhaps you could both consider seeing counselors separately?


Steve, I posted my story on another thread(I believe it's in the general discussion area) and I think that would explain things. Also, he's done counseling, we've done it together, and now I'm thinking of doing it for myself. And, yes, dh knows what's bugging him and he knows why he's angry. He just blames his childhood yet he tries to tell me he's over it all. HAHA!


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## Mrs. Segedy (Apr 17, 2010)

I've been married for two years, and I just recently started up the pill again, and I've noticed as well a swing in my sex drive. I would suggest talking to your gyno about maybe switching pills or using the nuvaring (I loved it when I was on it) or some alternate form of birth control. 

Other than that, women tend to be emotional creatures. When it's hard to feel emotionally connected to someone, in this case your DH it's hard to want to be intimate with them. I think that you both should go to some kind of counselling, maybe separate and together to resolve these issues. I wish you the best of luck!


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