# What do husbands "need" from their wives??



## cao428

I am throwing this out to balance out Snowman's !  All of us gals want to know... "Wanting" and "needing" are cousins in the field...and what is the difference with men's needs?


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## SFladybug

Should we say, what do husbands "need" from their wives besides sex? Or in what proportion do they need sex vs other things??? I'll be checking in on this one...guys please do chime in, inquiring minds want to know.:catfly:


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## preso

Every man is going to have different needs. The trick is to find the right man for you.


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## Amplexor

Needs and wants are tough for me to distinguish. Is sex a need or a want? I won’t die if I don’t have sex. I survived a two year period of abstinence in my marriage. It didn’t fall off and I didn’t die. It was a want not a need. But I did have to take it mentally off the table until the time was right to restart.

My wife and I have always had a very strong friendship. Even in the toughest of times we enjoyed each other’s company. I believe having that friendship feeling is a must to me. A need to have someone to share it all with. We generally spend each evening together and many hours on the weekends.

My love language is physical touch and I do need that. The hugs, hand holding, sitting close…. When things were really bad I needed those even more and communicated that to her. She obliged in those just as I worked on the things she needed and wanted.

In many books respect is described as a need for men. Not the century throw back kind of respect but an appreciation for what he does for his family and marriage. Admiration for his character and honesty. I’ve stated in several posts that I could justify divorce if there was a complete lack of respect between the partners. With out respect there is no where to go, no motivation to work at it and the marriage will crumble.

Honesty and trust are a huge need for me. I was once in a long term relationship with a serial cheater so I have to trust in my wife. I hated it when I lost that after the discovery of her EA. It took time to rebuild and I had to consciously work at it but I knew I had to have that if we were going to work things through. 

So ladies, we are not just as simple as sandwiches and sex.


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## Conflicted

Being able to share things without getting the feeling of being judged. (Not sure what "trait" that is, english isn't my first language)
I like touch
Respect & trust
I also need alone time


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## okeydokie

i need to be wanted and needed. i don't like the feeling that i am taken for granted. i need intimacy that is real and not pity or "shut up" sex. i need excitement and spontanious activity. i need simple not overly complex. if ask ask what time it is i dont want you to build a clock for me. i need you to do your stuff and i'll do mine and together we make it all work. i need you to not be hypocritical. i need you to keep up your self esteem and i will mine. i need your respect and i will give you mine. 

don't be a b***h and i won't be an ***hole


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## carmaenforcer

I *want* a better sex life, but thanks to porn and the moon light bunny ranch, don't necesarily "need" it, from my Wife.
Besides "Sex" witch for me is not that great anyways with my Wife most of the time (selfish lover) and so has ceased being an issue anymore.

I *need* mutual respect, fairness and say, in the relationship.

I *can do without* the diplomatic immunity that my Wife tries to claim when she does stuff that is reproachable. 

I *need* for matters important to me but not obviously relevant to her, to be equally as important and get the same consideration as she wants for what's important to her and not me. 
Wow, that made more sense in my head hope you all understood... 

I *need* to be given credit for all the good that I bring to the relationship, with my not caring that my Wife doesn't cook and that I have to do all the cooking, That she purposely sucks in bed and that I have not resorted to cheating, yet.
I *need *my efforts to win me some slack or at least be reciprocated.

I *want* a Nintendo Wii too now that we're on the subject.

j/k on that last one...:lol:


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## FamilyGuy

(This will no doubt offend some out there, but I'll post it in the spirit of honestly answering the question.)

Setting aside all of the shop-worn caveats (people are different, men are different, blah blah blah): what men need from their wives is a follower. A believer. A supporter. Someone who respects his authority.

"Authority??!!" (I can hear you already). Now before some of you go off half-****ed in your incredulity, many men have not yet reached their potential, and as a result, no doubt many a wife would have a hard time following, believing in, or supporting her husband. Some men (and husbands) are immature and self-centered. Some are lazy. Some are jerks. Some are not worth following, believing in, or supporting. All are imperfect.

But imperfection is not germane to the discussion. One of my favorite aphorisms is "a benevolent dictatorship is the most efficient form of government," and this certainly applies to a marriage, and to raising a family. Someone has to be at the helm. Consider business dynamics: show me a business with two co-CEOs, and I'll show you a business that has already failed or else is in the process of failing.

What do men need? They need a follower. They need a queen for their kingdom. Not a slave; not a servant; not a housemaid, nor a cook, nor a dimwitted fool with no opinion of her own. But a queen--one who has all the benefits befitting a queen, but one who nevertheless answers in all things to the King.


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## FamilyGuy

The word with the asterisks was c-o-c-k, and was intended as an obvious pun. I wasn't going to say "pardon the pun", but now feel compelled since the word was disabled.


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## Anonymous Fella

I'll agree with the respect. In fact I'll got out on a limb and say respect is about eighty to eighty-five percent of what husbands need. If you want eternal love and devotion from me, respect me. If you are with me, honor me as I honor you, listen to what I say without interrupting me, don't make jokes about my physical imperfections, I will show you bliss. I will show you affection and understanding. I will adore you.

However, without respect, pick your poison. Men want to know they influence your life in positive ways. Make a man feel that he is nothing but a moneymaker, interrupt him constantly, laugh at this scars from child abuse, he will be bitter. He will drink, he will yell and one night he wont come home.

Respect comes first. Everything else falls into place.


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## SFladybug

I can see why respect would be placed high on the list. I think women often feel this lack as well...hence so very many problems in marriage. I find it difficult to respect my husband due to his many poor choices at times. I try really hard not to point these things, but I am sure he still knows. I have found myself frequently disappointed in bad behavior that is really not due to anything related to my actions/re-actions. Pondering this one for a while. I'll get back to you.


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## MEM2020

I NEED love from my wife. True, deep genuine love. And she gives it to me. As for sex - we have a wonderful sex life - and part of that is that because I feel so loved, my need for a high level of frequency is gone. I am now fully happy with twice a week. Because sex for me is not about a great orgasm, it is a feeling of being loved in a special way. And hopefully about giving / showing love in a special way.


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## peanut

MEM11363 couldn't have said it better. :iagree:
My marriage is the same way now. I also think respecting each other's feelings has a lot to do with having the marriage grow and for it to last.


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## Blaze

MEM11363 said:


> Because sex for me is not about a great orgasm, it is a feeling of being loved in a special way.


Well said! This says it all in my book! :smthumbup:

Blaze


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## smithray

hi to every one


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## themrs

This post was very insightful. I'm glad I read it and hopefully it will give me some idea of what my own husband is thinking.


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## reesespieces

I see that respect is being said alot here. I don't understand because how could your wife not respect you? I don't think twice about disrespecting my husband. I don't put him down in front of others, if he makes a decision and feels that he is making the best one, I let him, I say thank you for what he does, and for the most part, I'm a rather docile creature around him 

How are wives not respecting their husbands? By treating them like children? Good grief...I bet I act more like a child than my husband does in any given day.


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## zero

What I need is respect. I may have done stupid things, but in the end, respect is what I need. Not to be treated like scum all my life and a nobody.

My love language is verbal, and I need that too.

I also need to be treated fairly. I make mistakes, but to be judged because of that, I don't need. When she makes mistakes, I shrug it off as it is "a mistake," and I don't judge her because of that. 

I need to feel needed.


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## themrs

reesespieces said:


> I see that respect is being said alot here. I don't understand because how could your wife not respect you? I don't think twice about disrespecting my husband. I don't put him down in front of others, if he makes a decision and feels that he is making the best one, I let him, I say thank you for what he does, and for the most part, I'm a rather docile creature around him
> 
> How are wives not respecting their husbands? By treating them like children? Good grief...I bet I act more like a child than my husband does in any given day.


I have not always shown my husband respect. When he was out of work and hardly looking for a job and I was taking care of everything including the bills, kids, chores, etc. I did not treat him with respect at that time. I felt like he wasn't respectable. I didn't realize that I should give him respect even when he didn't deserve it and it would prompt him to be a better husband and father. Once I learned that he got a steady job and just started being a better person all around.


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## zero

themrs said:


> I have not always shown my husband respect. When he was out of work and hardly looking for a job and I was taking care of everything including the bills, kids, chores, etc. I did not treat him with respect at that time. I felt like he wasn't respectable. I didn't realize that I should give him respect even when he didn't deserve it and it would prompt him to be a better husband and father. Once I learned that he got a steady job and just started being a better person all around.


I agree. When I was out of a job, I was never given respect, and it all the more made me lose respect for myself, thinking that I am good for nothing. And not to make it as an excuse, but that "helped" in my having an affair  Now that the affair is over and done with, I am still treated without respect (all the more so) and I still feel useless. But I learned not to cope by having another affair though...


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## themrs

zero said:


> I agree. When I was out of a job, I was never given respect, and it all the more made me lose respect for myself, thinking that I am good for nothing. And not to make it as an excuse, but that "helped" in my having an affair  Now that the affair is over and done with, I am still treated without respect (all the more so) and I still feel useless. But I learned not to cope by having another affair though...


I'm sorry. It was a very difficult thing for me to accept. Why should I treat someone with respect when he clearly doesn't give me any by at least trying to do better? It's a nasty cycle and I had to be the first to break it and it was hard for me to make that step but somebody had to do it.


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## zero

True, there always has to be someone to break the cycle. I understand.


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## BlueDude

Respect, love, friendship, intimacy and commitment are all high on my list.

'Fortunately' I'm married to somebody who gives me none of these things, doh!


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## joevn

appreciation
tenderness
sex


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## outinthecold

Men don't need what women need.

1) Respect
2) Respect
3) Respect
4) Love us do we not bleed for you
5) Encouragement, praise
6) B I G A S S C A V E
7) Alone time
8) Stay out of the cave, no nags allowed
9) Sex, all sorts of it


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## seeking sanity

There's a book called "Proper care and feeding of husbands," and while is trite and a little on the stepford wife end of the scale, the core of it is true (at least to me). In fact, I wept a bit when I read it because it described all the things I WASN'T getting at the time. (exW refused to read it). Basically, as the other men have said, sex, respect, men need to feel purposeful and strong, desired, appreciated. 

I think at core a man wants to feel strong (virile, respected, appreciated) and a woman wants to feel beautiful (treated tenderly, appreciated, accepted for her flaws).

The real question is where this isn't happening, is it because the spouse doesn't know how, or doesn't want to.


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## dobo

Atholk speaks to us from the shallow part of the gene pool.

I'm not saying looks are not important, but this idea that a man w/an unattractive wife is a loser in other men's eyes and his own well, then that man doesn't deserve a wife of any sort if those are his values.

It isn't as though every guy out there is exactly a knock out, you know. If it were so darned important, there wouldn't be so many overweight, sloppily dressed men because the respect that they require would also mean that they aren't hypocrits so their women don't have to overlook their double-standards in order to respect them.

RIGHT?


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## incognitoman

I think that most men who are married and happy would say that they find their wife attractive. Funny thing about that. She doesn't have to be attractive to the world only to him. Same is also true. There will always be a woman or a man who is better looking than your spouse. But the love you have for them is what makes them attractive in your eyes.


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## seeking sanity

You tell 'em dobo!


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## themrs

seeking sanity said:


> There's a book called "Proper care and feeding of husbands," and while is trite and a little on the stepford wife end of the scale, the core of it is true (at least to me). In fact, I wept a bit when I read it because it described all the things I WASN'T getting at the time. (exW refused to read it). Basically, as the other men have said, sex, respect, men need to feel purposeful and strong, desired, appreciated.
> 
> I think at core a man wants to feel strong (virile, respected, appreciated) and a woman wants to feel beautiful (treated tenderly, appreciated, accepted for her flaws).
> 
> The real question is where this isn't happening, is it because the spouse doesn't know how, or doesn't want to.


I've read that book. I would not recommend it to any wife without a thick skin and an open mind. That book is rough and a lot of women resent it. A book that says the same thing but in a language women appreciate is "The Surrendered Wife". Some concept, but a much gentler approach.


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## lastinline

My needs are few. I need affirmation from my wife. I need affection from my wife. That's it. However, if I could only choose one, I would have to select affection, as this is what actually bonds me to my wife and allows me to love her. It is also the only thing that distinguishes this relationship from any other relationship that I can have outside of marriage. LIL


p.s.
*Atholk speaks to us from the shallow part of the gene pool.

I'm not saying looks are not important, but this idea that a man w/an unattractive wife is a loser in other men's eyes and his own well, then that man doesn't deserve a wife of any sort if those are his values.*

He isn't shallow dobo. He's just Atholk. It is a legitimate point of view. As men we are looked at either favorably, or negatively based on the attractiveness of our spouses. This is especially true as you climb the rungs of the socioeconomic ladder. To deny the obvious is folly dobo, and to some extent, it is fair, or at least equally unfair. As men, we are held hostage to our accomplishments and our bank accounts. Do I like the system? No. Does it exist? Yes. 

For the record, exceptions exist. I am an 8 or 9, and my wife is probably a 5 or 6. How did this happen? She is from a wealthy family, and I was a talented but poor service member. She was able to use her means to "purchase" better looking stock. It goes both ways dobo, but I would recommend that people stay close to their potential spouses when it comes to attractiveness, because it breeds insecurity when you deviate by more than a number or so. Just my experience. LIL


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## letitgo

good insight on here, found plenty of things to work on


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## stillINshock

Read His Needs, Her Needs. Really.


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## AlexNY

#1 *Temperance (and fortitude).* A wife who deals with anger (or fear) by throwing things, hitting, threatening, screaming, profanity, slamming doors, etc. is a marriage ender. This is item #1 for a very good reason. I used to THINK no woman could live up to this. Not so. I am married 10 years, and not once has my wife behaved in an immature manner such as this. In 10 years, number of fights = 0. She argues and negotiates very effectively, and more often than not she wins. But she does not "stomp her little feet and whine to daddy."

A warning to any woman who thinks it is their God given right to act like children: no man who knows that it is possible to find an adult partner who treats them with respect will ever choose you. My dear wife, with a dignified beauty that the years cannot touch, is worth more to me than all of this nation's silicon enhanced airheads put together. When the going gets tough, who wants to add pampering useless arm candy to their to-do list? No thanks. Go find someone whose name ends with "woods".

#2 and beyond: Small things that can be worked out. Nothing else really matters.


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## AlexNY

AlexNY said:


> outinthecold said:
> 
> 
> 
> Men don't need what women need.
> 
> 1) Respect
> 2) Respect
> 3) Respect
> 
> ...
> 
> 
> 
> About half of the posts have RESPECT as either #1 or the only item that matters. I suppose some people might wonder "what does respect mean?" I'll define what it means to me:
> 
> If you ever find that you loose control of your actions as a result of a negative situation (anger or fear), you are almost certain to disrespect your husband. Throwing, cursing, biting, banging your head on the wall, threatening, packing bags when you have no intention of leaving, hitting, slamming doors, belittling, demeaning, insulting ... and so forth.
> 
> To serial disrespectors of both sexes I would say, if you want something, ask for it. _Cute_ little girls who explode in anger were only tempting until I found a real woman who was _beautiful_. There is no beauty in viciousness or cruelty. Think of your dignity. Think of your worth. It is not OK for any person, woman or man, to "loose it" and lash out in uncontrolled anger. Ask a battered wife how much "fun" it is to be disrespected by a fist to the gut. Why would a man feel any less pain when his wife breaks a dish over his head?
> 
> I have been to both of these parties. I was married to a woman whose behaviour, were she a man, would have landed her in prison. And I am now married to my everything. My eternal everything. I cannot even dream of any other woman. I cannot even fantasize of any other woman. Sometimes when I am alone with my thoughts (usually when driving), I begin to cry because of how completely in love I am. That is what _respect_ can do to a man.
Click to expand...


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## AlexNY

One more thing about respect.

Respect acts over time. Sex, generosity, tenderness, communication, etc. are much more valuable in the short and medium term. Don't think that respect is going to improve a bad situation, it won't. Respect is long term medicine.

Why then is respect so powerful? It is the only medicine that does not loose strength over time. When someone says, "I love my wife more today than I did when I met her 20 years ago", the only thing that can do that is respect. All other qualities fade or weaken over time. Why? Respect is not about how the "respector" acts, it is about who the "respector" is. I can look at any other woman, no matter how young and attractive, and simply laugh and know, yes KNOW, how lucky I am. Because I know that, chances are, the bimbo riding in the car next to the rich guy may treat him with respect because of the situation she is in, but that is not who she is.


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## BellaOnlineMarriageEditor

I would venture to say the respect and sex come high up on a man's list. I heard somewhere that respect is as important to a man as love is to a woman.


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## MEM2020

Intertwined concepts. You cannot claim to respect your spouse while at the same time you are ignoring their core needs. 

So if I said I totally respect my wife - but ignored her need to feel financially secure - then I am just paying lip service to the word respect. Sure anyone can "say" they respect their partner, but what do you "DO" that shows your respect. And what do you "NOT" do. 

If my wife claimed to totally respect me, but ignored my need to have sex such that I was always tense/felt rejected that to me would show that she does NOT respect me. 

You can't sincerely claim to respect someone when you consistently choose actions that make them miserable. 




BellaOnlineMarriageEditor said:


> I would venture to say the respect and sex come high up on a man's list. I heard somewhere that respect is as important to a man as love is to a woman.


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## pearl18

seeking sanity said:


> There's a book called "Proper care and feeding of husbands," and while is trite and a little on the stepford wife end of the scale, the core of it is true (at least to me). In fact, I wept a bit when I read it because it described all the things I WASN'T getting at the time. (exW refused to read it). Basically, as the other men have said, sex, respect, men need to feel purposeful and strong, desired, appreciated.
> 
> I think at core a man wants to feel strong (virile, respected, appreciated) and a woman wants to feel beautiful (treated tenderly, appreciated, accepted for her flaws).
> 
> The real question is where this isn't happening, is it because the spouse doesn't know how, or doesn't want to.


I think you've said it like it is as far as what men need and women need! Very accurate.

I've been married 23 years and did respect my husband & tried hard to show that to him. He is a hot tempered man & over the years he became more and more verbally abusive toward me and then our kids. I simply allowed it and put up w/it for the most part. We did have fights about it at times. I would often hear, "you don't respect me". I would say back, "I respect everything about you except your verbal abuse toward us". I wasn't treated tenderly and the breakdown of our marriage began. Eventually, I think I lost most of my respect for him even though there are things about him I respect.

We are in marriage counseling now. But, its very hard to feel what I should for him. He is trying to control his abuse and anger but I guess I don't trust that it will stay this way given the past 23 years. 

Anyway, I think you've accurately captured what men and women need.


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## pearl18

AlexNY said:


> #1 *Temperance (and fortitude).* A wife who deals with anger (or fear) by throwing things, hitting, threatening, screaming, profanity, slamming doors, etc. is a marriage ender. This is item #1 for a very good reason. I used to THINK no woman could live up to this. Not so. I am married 10 years, and not once has my wife behaved in an immature manner such as this. In 10 years, number of fights = 0. She argues and negotiates very effectively, and more often than not she wins. But she does not "stomp her little feet and whine to daddy."
> 
> A warning to any woman who thinks it is their God given right to act like children: no man who knows that it is possible to find an adult partner who treats them with respect will ever choose you. My dear wife, with a dignified beauty that the years cannot touch, is worth more to me than all of this nation's silicon enhanced airheads put together. When the going gets tough, who wants to add pampering useless arm candy to their to-do list? No thanks. Go find someone whose name ends with "woods".
> 
> #2 and beyond: Small things that can be worked out. Nothing else really matters.


I have the reverse situation. My husband is the one who yells,throws things, threatens, screams, profanity, slamming doors, etc. (he doesn't hit). It can work both ways and yes, it wrecks a marriage. I am not at all like that and we are in counseling for his anger issues.

I agree w/what you've said. I think it comes down to respect once again.


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## del88

Everyone male is different, but for the most part, what I need from my spouse is honesty, loyalty, respect, love and affection.


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## Chris

I need to know that I am at least half as important to you as you are to me.


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## kenmoore14217

I need her money, honey!


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## OhGeesh

Communication, tell me about your day, feelings, dreams, plans, etc and SEX. How often 2-3x a week and intitiate, so I don't always feel like the one knocking on the door.

I'm good married for 10+ it's better than ever.


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## marcy*

sex, 
home cooked meal, 
to keep the house clean,
Sexy, perfect body,
to be faithful,
respect,
not a shopaholic, 
and perfect if she doesn't talk, or complains too much.


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## OneMarriedGuy

Deb* said:


> sex,
> home cooked meal,
> to keep the house clean,
> Sexy, perfect body,
> to be faithful,
> respect,
> not a shopaholic,
> and perfect if she doesn't talk, or complains too much.


you forgot - adept at feeding grapes and fanning with palm leaves and has been left a HUGE inheritance :rofl:

sorry, I couldn't help - Debs list just hit me as a bit "too ideal" thought I'd do my best to make it even more so.


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## created4success

For me, my primary needs are sex and respect. Of course, as part of that mix, I likewise need acceptance, love, and understanding.


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## AFEH

I’m 6 months separated from my wife, we were together for 40 years and married for 35 years.

The biggest need I had that was rarely satisfied was to be appreciated. While we were breaking up my wife stayed three nights with some friends. After she left they showed me a note from my wife thanking them for their help and support for those three days. I never got a note like that, there were more signs of appreciation in that one little note than I ever got from my wife. I nursed her through illnesses and operations, took care of her when loved ones passed away, paid the rent and mortgage and all the bills for 38 years, bought her cars, paid for the holidays and yet in that one little note there were more thanks than I ever got. I used to thank my wife after every meal, thank her for the washing and ironing, I made a point of showing my appreciation. What I didn’t need in my marriage was so much ingratitude.

Another thing I needed but never got was forgiveness. It was a very long time to be together and I made mistakes that I needed her forgiveness for. She had made mistakes that I forgave her for, I needed reciprocation with forgiveness. What I didn’t need was being told I’ll never ever be forgiven for something that I was innocent of some 20 odd years back.

I needed “emotional honesty”, I didn’t need being accused of the things she’d done wrong, the mistakes she’d made because she wouldn’t accept responsibility for her own actions.

Don’t know if this helps anyone. For me the biggest needs that weren’t satisfied were 1) Appreciation 2) Forgiveness and 3) Emotional Honesty. I know now that my wife for one reason or another won’t or can’t do those things, I’ve accepted that. There’s no going back.


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## cowboyfan

1. *Honesty* - We've had some trouble in that area as of late, but my wife is generally the most honest person I've ever known. Without the ability to trust her I don't think we'd be able to continue our marriage...definite need.

2. *Physical Touch* - without a doubt that's my 'love language'. It doesn't necessarily have to be sex, although I do need/want it with more regularity than she does. But holding hands, massaging each other, hugging/kissing all affirm our love to me and is a definite 'need' for me from my wife...I don't list it as a 'want' because without it I think our marriage would suffer severely.

3. *Respect* - My wife has gotten so much better in this area over the term of our marriage. She is now much better as asking for my help/participation in certain tasks instead of expecting I'll drop whatever I'm doing, and shows appreciation for what I do for her (she also works nearly full-time and is currently going to school, so I'm doing most of the home maintenance and taking care of the kids).

Everything else I can think of is really secondary and probably qualifies more as a 'want', but these three things are what keep me attached to my wife.


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## Scannerguard

After a few sessions of therapy my counselor said I should look for in my next mate someone who is emotionally supportive.

Sex is almost at "need" status. . .but if there was an illness or a health reason or life reason to do without it, I would and could.

I would say though that affection is a need though if there's no sex and sex is really probably an expression of affection anyway.

So. . .emotional support and affection.


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## KLev

Can a wife join in ??? I ABSOLUTELY LOVE Family Guy's reply .....

"What do men need? They need a follower. They need a queen for their kingdom. Not a slave; not a servant; not a housemaid, nor a cook, nor a dimwitted fool with no opinion of her own. But a queen--one who has all the benefits befitting a queen, but one who nevertheless answers in all things to the King. "

That's my life and I love it.


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## foxy

AFEH said:


> I’m 6 months separated from my wife, we were together for 40 years and married for 35 years.
> 
> The biggest need I had that was rarely satisfied was to be appreciated. While we were breaking up my wife stayed three nights with some friends. After she left they showed me a note from my wife thanking them for their help and support for those three days. I never got a note like that, there were more signs of appreciation in that one little note than I ever got from my wife. I nursed her through illnesses and operations, took care of her when loved ones passed away, paid the rent and mortgage and all the bills for 38 years, bought her cars, paid for the holidays and yet in that one little note there were more thanks than I ever got. I used to thank my wife after every meal, thank her for the washing and ironing, I made a point of showing my appreciation. What I didn’t need in my marriage was so much ingratitude.
> 
> Another thing I needed but never got was forgiveness. It was a very long time to be together and I made mistakes that I needed her forgiveness for. She had made mistakes that I forgave her for, I needed reciprocation with forgiveness. What I didn’t need was being told I’ll never ever be forgiven for something that I was innocent of some 20 odd years back.
> 
> I needed “emotional honesty”, I didn’t need being accused of the things she’d done wrong, the mistakes she’d made because she wouldn’t accept responsibility for her own actions.
> 
> Don’t know if this helps anyone. For me the biggest needs that weren’t satisfied were 1) Appreciation 2) Forgiveness and 3) Emotional Honesty. I know now that my wife for one reason or another won’t or can’t do those things, I’ve accepted that. There’s no going back.


This had me in tears I hope my husband never feel this way in his life. I'll be righting him a note to thank him for all that he does for me this weekend.


----------



## AFEH

Way to go Foxy. We all need to feel important to the special people in our lives, to feel like we make a difference in their lives, it’s probably our key motivator for doing what we do inside and outside the relationship. We understand the level of importance, that specialness, by the amount of appreciation we receive for doing what we do for them.

Bob


----------



## OneMarriedGuy

KLev said:


> Can a wife join in ??? I ABSOLUTELY LOVE Family Guy's reply .....
> 
> "What do men need? They need a follower. They need a queen for their kingdom. Not a slave; not a servant; not a housemaid, nor a cook, nor a dimwitted fool with no opinion of her own. But a queen--one who has all the benefits befitting a queen, but one who nevertheless answers in all things to the King. "
> 
> That's my life and I love it.


I would guess your husband loves it as well :smthumbup:


----------



## Rough Patch Sewing

In my marriage my needs are intimacy and respect. Respect is a definite need of the relationship. My relationship will falter and die if we do not give it equally to each other. Respect is fundamental to me. However, I do not expect respect if I am not earning it, but we have set up our marriage based on honoring each other. 

If I do not earn her respect she still honors me and I, her with open, two-way communication to work it out. I then earn her respect by apologizing in the areas, of which I admit wrongdoing! Likewise from my wife.

Our relationship NEEDS that kind of honoring love to survive and grow. This kind of two-way honoring leads to my second need, intimacy with her. These concepts make up the substance of the two articles I wrote,  Keep Marriage Alive, and  Marriage in Crisis. I use a lot of what works for my wife and I, which satisfies both our needs.


----------



## jayde

WoW . . . I learned a lot about myself in this thread. I started reading it from an entertainment perspective but that quickly changed. Yeah . . .sex, fun, jokes, laughter I think were my initial thoughts but then I read what some guys really needed and I'm right there with them. 

- Respect - I screw up, but dammit I do a LOT of things right -acknowledge that
- Don't interupt me, tell me how I should feel, tell me how I got things wrong and you're right. Always.
- Appreciation - she was away for 6 days (and had been home on vacation 3 weeks before that. I cleaned the house when she was away. two days after she got back "oh, one trivial thing - thanks for cleaning the house" (this is not a nice-guy ploy- I personally like the house clean).
- Listen to what I actually say (yes, that means all the words), not what you imagine I am saying or listening to select words.
- No Emotional Rollercoasters (it's 30 minutes to quitting time and I have no idea what to expect when I get home)
- Lip service is good - actions are better
- No more f****** 'rain checks' for sex!!!!

I guess that's it.


----------



## Entropy3000

The below are all essential. Number one is really the culmination of all the rest. I would not want to do without any of the others though. The His Needs Her Needs labels are in parenthesis.

1) Intimacy ( Sexual Fullfillment ) - Includes Faithfulness

2) Respect ( Admiration ) - Includes Faithfulness

3) Companionship ( Recreational Companionship ) - I need quality time with my wife while enjoying recreational activities

4) Communication ( Conversation / Honesty & Openness ) - So I am declaring communication a need for me. It encompasses various other related areas. This was probably not a top need I had a dozen years ago. This is where I declare I love my wife for her mind. This is part of intimacy.

5) Loving ( Affection / Attractiveness ) - I am combining these two here. I appreciate more these years the affection my wife has always shown me. I probably have less distractions in my life than I used to and can enjoy it more. The attractiveness is my wife just be sexy for me. She takes care of herself and dresses very much to please me. 


My needs have evolved during our marriage. Kids are grown and have kids of their own. A dozen years ago my needs probably matched more closely the list for men below for men.

----

The below are supposedly the most common needs expressed by men in this order:

sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, physical attractiveness, domestic support, and admiration.

----
Supposedly for women:

affection, conversation, openness and honesty, financial support, and family commitment


----------



## Runs like Dog

Someone to curl up in my lap I can hug and listen to them quietly breathe.


----------



## Conrad

Entropy,

Those are the needs partners become least likely to get as a long-term relationship grinds forward.


----------



## sexuallyfustrated

I need for matters important to me but not obviously relevant to her, to be equally as important and get the same consideration as she wants for what's important to her and not me. 
Wow, that made more sense in my head hope you all understood... 


It made just as much sense to me as it did in your head. Because I feel the same way with my husband. He likes to blow me off and say: it's no big deal or stop tripping or your going to go crazy it's not that serious. Let it be something about him that he feels strongly about and its a battle field. Go thing for me I don't go down so easy.


----------



## sexuallyfustrated

Runs like Dog said:


> Someone to curl up in my lap I can hug and listen to them quietly breathe.


RLD.....how come that sounds like a dog to me:rofl:


----------



## Entropy3000

Conrad said:


> Entropy,
> 
> Those are the needs partners become least likely to get as a long-term relationship grinds forward.


Yes. I know.


----------



## Runs like Dog

sexuallyfustrated said:


> RLD.....how come that sounds like a dog to me:rofl:


Dunno maybe it is. I tried the human being thing. It didn't work.


----------



## PooDoo

I just found this stie and it has helped me to start to understand what is going on in our marriage. 

How to begin... I love my wife very much and show her my appreciation many times each day - how she looks all that she does for me and our family, hugs kisses etc. We sometimes get into fights(usually not too serious), like most couples - neither of us is perfect. The problem I have most often is when she is disrespectful. Here's an example. I'm correcting one of the kids for an obvious issue and she starts taking our child's side (very vigerously). This usually escalates to a full blowout fight in which she brings up all my past failings (never been unfaithful to her, but like I said, I'm not perfect and can be harsh at times). I then back off and build my wall and don't talk to her - I't's better to not say anything when I get this angry - I think. I give her the silent treatment for weeks sometimes. In that time, she is even more disrespectful. Eventually, we forget and move on. She however makes a note in her mind about yet another of my failings - to be used in the next fight. This cycle has continued for many years - poping up a few times a year. I have even considered seperation and discussed this with her. After reading this site (and others) I have a better understanding what's going on. RESPECT. I need it from HER so bad it hurts! Like I said before she is a very good wife, but I feel little or no respect. No compliments about anyting - ever and subtle complaints about the size of our house the lack of vacations we take - you know the little digs to indicate that I'm not the best provider while other families are better off. I work every day - do all the husband chores around the house and cook and clean on weekends. We recently had another incident of this 'cycle' a few weeks ago. We had visited her brother in a different state and my wife and my brother in-laws wife showered respect on her brother - something I never receive. And you guesed it - up goes my wall, at the time I didn't really understand why I was feeeling the way I did, I could just feel angry and very bitter wanting nothing to do with MY wife - and she oblivious to it all. Things are starting to improve little by little again with time at our home, but it is just a matter of time before the 'cycle' reoccurs. I talked to my wife about the respect issue and she doesn't see it at all and says that I always blame her for all the problems we have. Any advise would be appreciated. I love my wife and am sick to death of all the fights. I feel like she regrets making me her husband - she could have done much better. Something has to give - I cannot live like this forever. Thanks for letting me vent.


----------



## LovesHerMan

PooDoo:
What is the meaning of your username? Anyway, you two need marriage counseling. She needs an objective voice telling her how she is destroying your love for her.

If counseling is not possible, the next time she makes a disrespectful judgment, look her straight in the eyes and calmly say, "I do not deserve that comment." Do not allow her disrespect to go unchallenged.

Buy Dr. Willard Harley's book, "Love Busters" http://www.amazon.com/Love-Busters-...=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1313179500&sr=1-1

She needs a wake-up call. You must take the initiative here to change the dynamic of your marriage. Watch your thoughts because actions follow from thoughts. Are you projecting assertive energy? Be confident and demand respect.


----------



## HonorMyHusband

It is my belief that there are three things a man need the most from his wife. They are Respect, Encouragement and Sex


----------



## that_girl

HonorMyHusband said:


> It is my belief that there are three things a man need the most from his wife. They are Respect, Encouragement and Sex


And a FABULOUS meal


----------



## Soccerfan73

Honesty, Affection, Respect, Sex and the ability to let me watch baseball and soccer without yelling at me too much.


----------



## tyykaeey

Needs and wants are tough for me to distinguish.


----------



## Bobby5000

cao428 said:


> I am throwing this out to balance out Snowman's !  All of us gals want to know... "Wanting" and "needing" are cousins in the field...and what is the difference with men's needs?


I think women are focusing on the physical part of sex and ignoring the others. Basically, if you are having a physical relationship with your wife, it says that she still loves you and things are fine. It is a kind of tangible measurement of your relationship. 

That said, you have to be realistic. If a wife works and has two kids, you are realistically talking about 1-2 times per week, and perhaps a little less after 15 or 20 years. Someone who makes significantly greater demands upon a wife is making this unpleasant in my view. On the other hand, if a man is being constantly turned down, that is a sign of a bad marriage. 
He may not immediately become unfaithful, he is likely to be less cooperative with chores, financial responsibilities and if each person goes on the course of looking out for himself it becomes a problem.


----------



## uphillbattle

To feel loved, respected, and appreciated. Through ACTIONS and words.


----------



## AB1

I found this website today and find the information very interesting.

For my wife and I, this has always been an issue, what I need from her. I have always treated her well and valued her but this had not been returned. 

From a physical standpoint, most would say I am more attractive than her, and in better physical condition. And I have always made her feel valued.

On the flip side, my wife tends to be very critical of me, making negative comments across all lines regarding physical traits. I am about 20 pounds overweight and she is about 60. 

I have really stayed with this marriage for the kids, talking and hoping it would get better. It hasn't. This has puzzled me.

My wife was very promiscuous when she was younger and mistreated by most men she was with. But the strange thing about this is that she seems to respect them more than she respects me. 

I would say respect is key. Although I am really not sure why this seems to be such a problem for some couples.


----------



## kekel1123

PooDoo said:


> I just found this stie and it has helped me to start to understand what is going on in our marriage.
> 
> How to begin... I love my wife very much and show her my appreciation many times each day - how she looks all that she does for me and our family, hugs kisses etc. We sometimes get into fights(usually not too serious), like most couples - neither of us is perfect. The problem I have most often is when she is disrespectful. Here's an example. I'm correcting one of the kids for an obvious issue and she starts taking our child's side (very vigerously). This usually escalates to a full blowout fight in which she brings up all my past failings (never been unfaithful to her, but like I said, I'm not perfect and can be harsh at times). I then back off and build my wall and don't talk to her - I't's better to not say anything when I get this angry - I think. I give her the silent treatment for weeks sometimes. In that time, she is even more disrespectful. Eventually, we forget and move on. She however makes a note in her mind about yet another of my failings - to be used in the next fight. This cycle has continued for many years - poping up a few times a year. I have even considered seperation and discussed this with her. After reading this site (and others) I have a better understanding what's going on. RESPECT. I need it from HER so bad it hurts! Like I said before she is a very good wife, but I feel little or no respect. No compliments about anyting - ever and subtle complaints about the size of our house the lack of vacations we take - you know the little digs to indicate that I'm not the best provider while other families are better off. I work every day - do all the husband chores around the house and cook and clean on weekends. We recently had another incident of this 'cycle' a few weeks ago. We had visited her brother in a different state and my wife and my brother in-laws wife showered respect on her brother - something I never receive. And you guesed it - up goes my wall, at the time I didn't really understand why I was feeeling the way I did, I could just feel angry and very bitter wanting nothing to do with MY wife - and she oblivious to it all. Things are starting to improve little by little again with time at our home, but it is just a matter of time before the 'cycle' reoccurs. I talked to my wife about the respect issue and she doesn't see it at all and says that I always blame her for all the problems we have. Any advise would be appreciated. I love my wife and am sick to death of all the fights. I feel like she regrets making me her husband - she could have done much better. Something has to give - I cannot live like this forever. Thanks for letting me vent.


Watch the movie FIREPROOF and you will learn a lot. Read the book Five love languages by Gary Chapmann and you will learn more. Sometimes, we men need to understand and do something before itt might be too late. Just a suggestion dude! Its no harm in trying.


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## just_dream

women sacrifice all the time , having sex with her husband doesnt make things anyclear, she does it to keep him from going to other women even if there is a weak love bond between them . 
And men, on the other hand do not usually take part in daily chores. They think earning is their only responsibility which actually makes things worse.


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## DoYouWoo

- encouragement when he wants to do something he believes in
- made to feel wanted and needed 
- told to wise up when he's being a dumbass. 

I need that last one from my wife - I never agree at the time, but I always appreciate it in hindsight! I'm like an exciteable puppy at times...


----------



## YupItsMe

1. I NEED enough of my WANT squares filled in for the month to make it worthwhile to tolerate the little unfilled WANT squares for the month. Im a realist. Nobody bats a thousand but you cant strike out over and over and remain in the team.

2. Faithful - Im faithful even emotionally and require it in return
3. Committed - Im working it with all my might and need it back
4. Appreciation - Its not worth my effort if it doesnt register with the main benefactor
5. Respect - Nuff said

If I dont have these then fuggedsabodit


----------



## Runs like Dog

It's about 3pm she should throw some lunch together.


----------



## tacoma

I need...

Respect - Yes it`s earned. I`ve earned it.

Desire - I cannot maintain a healthy, happy relationship without being desired/wanted/needed by my wife.

Love - Goes with desire I need to know I`m her first choice and priority in life.

Time- I am worth the investment of her time and need it to remain intimate with her.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

pqlal789qreo said:


> NEED love from my wife. True, deep genuine love. And she gives it to me. As for sex - we have a wonderful sex life - and part of that is that because I feel so loved,


I asked my husband this tonight...his answer was very very similar ...he said *LOVE*, *understanding*, and added.... if he ever really screwed up (which he never has) that I would forgive him, want to keep him. 

I said "what about *Respect*, most men want RESPECT" .... he answered "if you didn't respect me, you probably wouldn't love me". True. He also DESIRES alot of *affection *and enjoys the emotional bonding of many nights & mornings of *love making*. 

Of coarse these things are not Die hard NEEDS-for survival - but when they have the ability to brighten your world in such a way-that you are happy every moment of the day , always looking forward to the next moment together -because they are met, our want for them is very very high -so "need" almost seems approprate- to me anyway. 

I so want to give him all of these things because of the way he loves & treats me, it is gloriously contagious. It consumes us both.


----------



## atbab

I'm sorry but if you need respect you earn it first. If you are expecting your wife to just respect you regardless of your behaviour towards her, others or yourself then I think a bit of soul searching is required first.

For me my number one need is friendship and having the ability to talk to my wife about anything and no she will listen, challenge if needed and provide her honest opinion. So to define the need, it is open and honest communication. All disagreements need to be resolved, a short time out can be taken eg getting some sleep before continuing but it need to be resolved and not buried.

This is only something I recently dicovered and had to go some tough times to get there but now wish I had known this from the start.

I need sexual fulfilment. This comes in the form of intimacy and includes passionate kissing, showering/bathing together, giving her sensual massages, making love and falling asleep in each others arms. It does not need to lead to sex but does need to some of the times. Hopefully that makes sense. Quick sex or bj or hj are part of the fun but is not a need.

Sharing interests is another need. To be able to spend time together outside the bedroom doing things we both enjoy doing together. I find when my wife and I spend a lot of time apart doing our own thing it is evident in our relationship.

Having said the above I also believe there is a need to know and understand what each others needs are and make and effort to *want* to fulfill them. At not see then as chores and require effort.


----------



## DoYouWoo

My wife once made the point to me that she wants sex more when she feels love and respected by me, whereas she felt (at the time) that I needed sex first before I showed her enough love and respect.


----------



## Tall Average Guy

atbab said:


> I'm sorry but if you need respect you earn it first. If you are expecting your wife to just respect you regardless of your behaviour towards her, others or yourself then I think a bit of soul searching is required first.


I disagree with the unstated premise that those who have earned respect automatically receive it. I have seen plenty of situations where people look down at others and do not give them respect even though it is earned - white collar workers laughing at the maintenance man, husbands who don't respect the work their wife does, wives who don't respect their husbands contributions.

Respect is earned, but it also needs to be given when it is earned. I have earned my wife's respect and she has earned mine. If we did not give it to each other, there would be problems.


----------



## Tall Average Guy

SimplyAmorous said:


> Of coarse these things are not Die hard NEEDS-for survival - but when they have the ability to brighten your world in such a way-that you are happy every moment of the day , always looking forward to the next moment together -because they are met, our want for them is very very high -so "need" almost seems approprate- to me anyway.


I agree that certain "needs" are not needs for my personal survival. However, they are necessary for the survival of my marriage. For me, respect, intimacy and fun with my wife are necessary for me for our marriage. These are the oxygen, food and water of my relationship and without them, my marriage "starves" and would slowly die. I suspect that is the case for many people when they describe their needs in a marriage.


----------



## tmbirdy

just_dream said:


> women sacrifice all the time , having sex with her husband doesnt make things anyclear, she does it to keep him from going to other women even if there is a weak love bond between them .
> And men, on the other hand do not usually take part in daily chores. They think earning is their only responsibility which actually makes things worse.


I find this post interesting . I am a woman who loves to have sex with her husband for the pleasure of it and not just so he won’t stray. The problem is that when he gets pissed at me for perceiving me as apparently “disapproving” of him, he storms in the other room and won’t talk to me for the rest of the night and of course we don’t have sex. I have learned to just go to sleep, but this used to bother me a lot—still does but I keep away so I don’t escalate the fight. By the way, I am not typically a nag and I do not disapprove of him. It could be the slightest thing I am asking him to do, and he will jump to conclusions and say, “oh, now I am failing you,” in a sarcastic tone, and then say, “everything is not about you.” The problem is he is a major procastinator and there comes a point when I just want the mess cleaned up because I can’t stand it anymore.

But case in point, I like to have sex with him, and not because I think he will stray. Why is it that some women cut their husband’s off sexually? Sex is a good, healthy thing, especially when married. Well, I guess unless the guy is a complete, abusing, lying jerk. Then it would be time for me to leave…


----------



## Runs like Dog

Need? I'm afraid or relieved, depending on how you look at it, I don't need anything from her. She's right now been snoring on the couch for an hour like every other night. Come 11 or so she'll go upstairs to bed get up tomorrow around 7:30 go grocery shopping like every day compulsively do laundry like every day fiddle with stuff online and rack out on the couch at 6:30.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SimplyAmorous

just_dream said:


> women sacrifice all the time , having sex with her husband doesnt make things anyclear, she does it to keep him from going to other women even if there is a weak love bond between them .
> And men, on the other hand do not usually take part in daily chores. They think earning is their only responsibility which actually makes things worse.


I'm with TMbirdy ... Maybe you work in addition to your husband, or maybe you are an "acts of service" type woman who feels LOVED through the husband doing "things" for her. 

Of coarse we are all different and our spouses should know what works for us . I personally have NO desire for him to help me with anything around the house -unless it requires a man's hand. And I am very thankful for his earning contribution.... I strive to have it ALL done by the time he walks through that door every day .......just so he has more time to spend with ME (or the family) - I am selfish like that. And his wanting me sexually is what is on the very TOP of my list, physical pleasure take me away -nothing brings a brighter smile to my face.

BUt I agree -if you both work , a man needs to help more around the house, or it wouldn't be fair at all. I could see some resentment in that situation.


----------



## FirstYearDown

just_dream said:


> women sacrifice all the time , having sex with her husband doesnt make things anyclear, she does it to keep him from going to other women even if there is a weak love bond between them .
> *And men, on the other hand do not usually take part in daily chores. *They think earning is their only responsibility which actually makes things worse.


:iagree: I never wanted tp get married because of this. Now my husband is a man that does laundry and groceries. My mother tried to pressure me into becoming a servile wife like she is....I think she's just jealous.


----------



## Onedery

After twenty years of marriage to a deceitful cheating wife, I got the only thing I needed from the program.
OUT.


----------



## AB1

Onedery said:


> After twenty years of marriage to a deceitful cheating wife, I got the only thing I needed from the program.
> OUT.


How did you find out? Did she tell you she has been cheating? 

I suspect my wife has cheated. She strongly denies this but she has far too much contact with other men, way outside what is normal.


----------



## ocotillo

One word: Understanding

Collectively, men have taken a lot of heat during the last sixty years or so for being insensitive, unfeeling and uninformed when it came to a woman's physiological, emotional and psychological needs. 

While there's still loads of room for further improvement, we aren't the men today that our fathers and father's fathers were. 

If there has been a corresponding societal pressure upon women, I'm not sure what that would be. My wife is a treasure, but I'm astounded at some of the notions my friend's wives have expressed, for their complete lack of understanding.


----------



## Runs like Dog

Stop turning on the heat. It's not that cold in the house. For god's sake what's wrong with you?


----------



## Jasminaa

Men need good food and structure. They are like kids that can fix faucets!


----------



## Ello1012

Every man needs a vertiosu woman with a good heart, every other good thing she does is a plus, and the more good she does, the better it is to reconcile her flaws, when she makes a mistake. but be careful, that doesn't mean go out and do bad things, we hate that as men ameen asalaam. Peace!Lol:!)


----------



## kevint

Love trust appreciation. And yes some sex.


----------



## YupItsMe

1. sex
2. faithful
3. interest
4. kindness
5. effort
6. respect

without those she can foget it


----------



## DadAgain

Respect, respect, respect.


----------



## Ello1012

and of course, yes sex: when you're married with your wife!lol! bsmila Ir Rhaman Ir RAheem ameen asalaam wah ASalaam Alaikum klol..peacE!loL!:0


----------



## I Know

Runs like Dog said:


> Stop turning on the heat. It's not that cold in the house. For god's sake what's wrong with you?


Oh my god that is funny!!!


----------



## Zzyzx

Respect is at the very top of my list above everything else. Without respect, there will be contempt. When contempt is happening, the love is no longer there or is of the ILYBINILWY variety, marriage is failing and the other needs I have will get shorted if not cut out entirely. Yes I am responsible for being the kind of man she can respect, but when I have earned that respect, she's got a lot of explaining to do if she can't give it.

My other big needs are appreciation, affection and sex. I don't need her to be my best friend, I already have those. I don't need her to be my opponent in competitions, I can go compete with my male friends, besides competition can kill relationships. I don't need her to be my housekeeper or cook, I could do that myself. She needs to fill those needs that only a woman can fill in my life, that is, female companionship, dance partner and lover who respects me and appreciates me being in her life.

If I'm getting these biggest needs met on a consistent basis, I can tolerate a woman's moods much better.


----------



## anotherguy

huh.

Honestly, I think the question of what a husband 'needs' from a wife is, at its core, broken.

I think a sucessful marriage is 2 people that have decided to stay together - and marriage is the act of a couple growing together and becomming better people. Is that vague? maybe, but I do not see (anymore) marriage as 'give and take', but rather copilots. Having said that - I admit respect is the foundation of it as others have mentioned. If I didnt respect my wife as I do - it all sort of falls apart. You definitely have to respect the other for who they are and not think of it as having to 'overlook faults' - that way is disaster. We all have faults - stop fixating on that and start noticing, appreciating, as I expect you once did - what is good and right about them.

but if I had to accept the premise of the question - I would suppose, as a husband... what I 'need' is to feel like you are my 'partner in crime'... someone I can depend upon. Someone who helps to feed the positive feedback loop of love, trust and respect. Someone that challenges me, and who can be comfortable being their own person. 

I am i serious danger of babling, so I ill quit while I am behind. ;-)


----------



## anotherguy

priclesspearl said:


> Okay, so many men here have answered respect, I have to ask how you define respect?
> 
> I know my xh thought I disrespected him by not agreeing with everything he thought was a good idea. But when he had some really harebrained ideas that I thought would put the family's financials at risk, I couldn't just go along. I didn't disagreeing in a demeaning way...just said I didn't think it was a good idea and gave reasons.
> 
> Basically, what I am asking is do you consider pointing out that your H is wrong about something important being disrespectful?


LAUGH!

This, by the way - is one thing that the wife and I butt heads on. She being the 'critical' one 'always pointing out my faults'. Funny, I see this all the time in other couples too.

First - I give her appropriate **** when she needs it, and she does to me too. Secondly - I eventually realized that she isnt being critical - but almost 'thinking out loud'. Women are very (very) process oriented and really get their jollies from simply being engaged in the process. (I will probably get skewered for making blanket assertions like that). I still, after 25 years with her, find it sometimes hard to remember then when she comes home to see some piece of handywork I have just spent a week completing and the first words out of her mouth are 'is it level', or some other small observation. Drives me nuts.

Respect has nothing to do with that. It has everything to do with the trust you have in the other person through your belief in their integrity and intrinsic value as a person - and that is something that only accrues over time. It is slowly built up, and is quickly eroded by unfair critique, injustice, deceit, name calling and a zillion other things. Lets face it - we all do little things to erode - which is also why the other little things... praise, making a meal, small kindnesses, a gentle touch, are - when they become habit - so crucial.

if your x has financial schemes you could not buy into, then I say 'good luck with that'. Cripes money is the root of all evils in relationships - I have zero doubt about it. Luckily - we have had precious few money troubles in the grand scheme of things - and in that respect have been quite lucky.


----------



## I Know

* a wife that needs and wants sex
* respects and adores me
* An attractive wife. 
* dedicated to our marriage team
* A wife who spends less than she makes. 
* holds up their end of the chore bargain.
* Is intelligent enough to be able survive without me holding her hand constantly. 
* a wife that is loyal


----------



## DTO

priclesspearl said:


> Okay, so many men here have answered respect, I have to ask how you define respect?
> 
> I know my xh thought I disrespected him by not agreeing with everything he thought was a good idea. But when he had some really harebrained ideas that I thought would put the family's financials at risk, I couldn't just go along. I didn't disagreeing in a demeaning way...just said I didn't think it was a good idea and gave reasons.
> 
> Basically, what I am asking is do you consider pointing out that your H is wrong about something important being disrespectful?


Most men IMO would answer "no" to your question.

Respect to me means:

1) Are you willing to communicate openly and constructively with me

2) Are you willing to take ownership of your faults and work to correct them

3) Overall, are you willing to put forth the same level of effort in the household and relationship as you expect from me

4) Are you willing to consider my wants and needs as equal to your own

Unfortunately, lots of women fall short on (3) and (4) in that they expect (openly and without shame) that they expect husbands to put more into and get less out of marriages than wives do - the women expect to be on pedestals. I am not saying that no man does this - but the incidence of men coming into a relationship expecting to be "treated like a princess" or "catered to" in an absolute sense is much lower. Men are just wired to want to provide and contribute.


----------



## DTO

just_dream said:


> women sacrifice all the time , having sex with her husband doesnt make things anyclear, she does it to keep him from going to other women even if there is a weak love bond between them.


Other than the fact you make keeping a husband sexually satisfied seem like a bad thing, I don't see the problem here.

To be clear, I am of the opinion that sexual fulfillment is part of the commitment of marriage. You would probably have a boundary of monogamy within marriage; having that boundary makes it your responsibility to provide well (otherwise where else could he get it).

Also, you would expect him to meet your emotional needs to connection consistently. Let's say most days he comes home, locks himself in his office and watches TV. On weekends he does his own thing and ignores you. Because he doesn't feel into meeting your emotional needs. Would this be acceptable (it should not be)? If not, then why would you treat his emotional needs (which involve good sex) differently?


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## Richard1

The 3 A's
Acknowledge
Appreciate
adore


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## aston

Umm I'll have to argue. Men don't really ask for much more than being treated like a man. That really only includes respect (both as a person and as a male entity that occassionally needs his space) and communication (just because we have to communicate doesn't mean everything has to be a federal case). I think men tend to treat their women based on how their women treat them. There's a subconscious part of humans (male and female) that treats a person based on how they treat you.
If she nags, complains, and berates you, the more likely you will start shutting her off until one day you simply get up and leave for good.....or find yourself in the arms of another woman. And if he's an ******* then the woman will put up iwht it until one day she simply gets up, take half their belongings and a 6 foot 4 black guy named Tyrone moves in LOL (j/k....not a racist joke...I'm black).


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## I Know

aston said:


> Umm I'll have to argue. Men don't really ask for much more than being treated like a man. That really only includes respect (both as a person and as a male entity that occassionally needs his space) and communication (just because we have to communicate doesn't mean everything has to be a federal case). I think men tend to treat their women based on how their women treat them. There's a subconscious part of humans (male and female) that treats a person based on how they treat you.
> If she nags, complains, and berates you, the more likely you will start shutting her off until one day you simply get up and leave for good.....or find yourself in the arms of another woman. And if he's an ******* then the woman will put up iwht it until one day she simply gets up, take half their belongings and a 6 foot 4 black guy named Tyrone moves in LOL (j/k....not a racist joke...I'm black).


LOL. Right Aston. 

Heck, I don't even need space. 
Respect and intimacy (which includes sex of course). A wife that respects his manhood does not nag incessantly. 

I'll never understand why married people treat casual acquaintances better than their spouses. And before anyone flames me, I get it, men are guilty of this too.


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## EleGirl

I put respect on a much higher level then a 'need' or a 'want'. Without respect there is no foundation for the marriage. If someone does not respect their spouse then one of both of the spouses is broken and hence the marriage is broken... usually beyond repair.

From the book "His Needs, Her Needs" these are the top 10 needs in a relationship. Each person would rank these needs differently and want/need them filled in their own unique way. So spouses ought to discuss them and find out how their spouse ranks the needs and wants them filled.

Sexual fulfillment
Recreational companionship
An attractive spouse
Domestic support
Admiration
Affection
Conversation
Honesty and Openness
Financial Commitment
Family Commitment


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## EleGirl

aston said:


> Umm I'll have to argue. Men don't really ask for much more than being treated like a man. That really only includes respect (both as a person and as a male entity that occassionally needs his space) and communication (just because we have to communicate doesn't mean everything has to be a federal case). I think men tend to treat their women based on how their women treat them. There's a subconscious part of humans (male and female) that treats a person based on how they treat you.
> If she nags, complains, and berates you, the more likely you will start shutting her off until one day you simply get up and leave for good.....or find yourself in the arms of another woman. And if he's an ******* then the woman will put up iwht it until one day she simply gets up, take half their belongings and a 6 foot 4 black guy named Tyrone moves in LOL (j/k....not a racist joke...I'm black).


There are a lot of people, male & female, who treat their partner based on their own emotional problems having nothing to do with how their spouse treats them. This is the case in a lot of seriously bad marriages.


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## Noel1987

Yeah that is true men wants and needs are totally opposite from women, Although it depends on a woman how she notice it all in a relationship.


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## PooDoo

I still think respect is the #1 thing a man needs in a marriage. I have a hard time loving my wife after she has been disrespectful (including sex). Since my last post (a few months ago) things have been somewhat better - 1 part of 'our' cycle. I still rarely get any compliments/encouragement from my wife. She did tell me she liked my haircut the other day and even kissed me a few days ago when I got home from work. So, maybe things are changing (I hope). I'm starting to not put up my wall after being disrespected, but it is very hard. She does not see a problem, so how can you discuss it when she doesn't see a problem. What is respect? Some of the posts have said that you need to earn respect. I disagree. I am her husband and I need it from her unconditionally. I'd kind-of understand if I were a big slacker - no job, lazy, or cheated on her - which is not the case here. I NEED her respect - I really do not care what anyone else thinks of me (although I get more respect outside of the home). Respect as I see it is not agreeing with me on everything or going along with what I say. I don't want to be married to a robot. In our marriage, it's more of her making a point to dis-respect me (at times) - on purpose. I guess she's putting me in my place or something. ? More on respect - showing me that I'm the most important person in her life, not being taken for granted, showing some interest in my life outside of the home, a good attitude toward me, believing in me, not being cynical about my motives -giving me the benefit of the doubt. I've tried many things to get her respect - like being a hard-ass(man-up), trying to be more sensitive, just taking it, talking to her about it. I know I'm not perfect, but if you have to be perfect to get respect in marriage, than no-one would get it. Does anyone else out there have this same problem and fixed it? I'm open to any suggestions.


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## Runs like Dog

Unquestioning loyalty and acceptance. I'd run into a burning building for you so the least you could do it clobber someone with a beer mug if they've got me down on the floor.


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## Bottled Up

PooDoo said:


> I still think respect is the #1 thing a man needs in a marriage. I have a hard time loving my wife after she has been disrespectful (including sex). Since my last post (a few months ago) things have been somewhat better - 1 part of 'our' cycle. I still rarely get any compliments/encouragement from my wife. She did tell me she liked my haircut the other day and even kissed me a few days ago when I got home from work. So, maybe things are changing (I hope). I'm starting to not put up my wall after being disrespected, but it is very hard. She does not see a problem, so how can you discuss it when she doesn't see a problem. What is respect? Some of the posts have said that you need to earn respect. I disagree. I am her husband and I need it from her unconditionally. I'd kind-of understand if I were a big slacker - no job, lazy, or cheated on her - which is not the case here. I NEED her respect - I really do not care what anyone else thinks of me (although I get more respect outside of the home). Respect as I see it is not agreeing with me on everything or going along with what I say. I don't want to be married to a robot. In our marriage, it's more of her making a point to dis-respect me (at times) - on purpose. I guess she's putting me in my place or something. ? More on respect - showing me that I'm the most important person in her life, not being taken for granted, showing some interest in my life outside of the home, a good attitude toward me, believing in me, not being cynical about my motives -giving me the benefit of the doubt. I've tried many things to get her respect - like being a hard-ass(man-up), trying to be more sensitive, just taking it, talking to her about it. I know I'm not perfect, but if you have to be perfect to get respect in marriage, than no-one would get it. Does anyone else out there have this same problem and fixed it? I'm open to any suggestions.


My best suggestion is start reading the book The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It sounds to me that both you and your wife don't understand how to communicate with each other in your respective love languages. I suggest you both read this book together as a couple... it will mean more as you both have the eye-opening experience of discovery together.


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## MickeyD

I need physical touch. I'm not talking about just sex but also cuddling, hugging, spooning in bed while sleeping. I need to feel somebody touching me to feel emotionally satisfied. I'm a very touchy-feely person. 

Unfortunately for me, my wife:

1. Have lost all interest in sex. She never initiates. She allows me to have sex if I request it, but it's obvious a chore to her (get on top, do your business, and get off me so I can sleep).

2. She hates being held.

3. If I hug her in bed she complains that I'm too hot.

4. If I touch lightly (foot touching foot/leg) she complains that I intrude on her personal space.

5. She doesn't like to cuddle in front of the TV.

6. She doesn't like me kissing her passionately because my lips/mouth is "too big". Simple "Welcome come home kiss" is acceptable to her.

Last few years we might have had sex once or twice a year. I have stopped asking for it. What's the point if she isn't into it?

How can I get my need for physical touch satisfied in this relationship? There is no way for it. When I complain she tells me that she never liked to be held and that she wasn't a touchy-feely person like me. She then told me that if I wanted a touchy-feely person I would have to find somebody else.


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## Complexity

Richard1 said:


> The 3 A's
> Acknowledge
> Appreciate
> adore


Perfect


----------



## PooDoo

MickeyD: I can't image what you are going through. My wife is not like that at all. She likes to cuddle and our sex life is pretty good (I do have to initiate it though - I think she could go without for months). I'm still trying to understand my wife better everyday - I think this is what makes marraige so terrible and incrediable at the same time. Does your wife tell you that she loves you? Were things ever better between the 2 of you - like when you were first married? What has changed? Over time feelings/actions change between 2 people (sometimes for the better sometimes for the worse). Little things become monsters the longer we are married - I'm assuming that is the case for many couples.


----------



## PooDoo

Bottled Up said:


> My best suggestion is start reading the book The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It sounds to me that both you and your wife don't understand how to communicate with each other in your respective love languages. I suggest you both read this book together as a couple... it will mean more as you both have the eye-opening experience of discovery together.


Thanks for the suggested reading. I'll take a look. Last time I brought up some shared reading she was really pissed - thinking I was trying to 'fix' her when it was my problem. I will probably just read the book myself.


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## shy_guy

I'm really surprised to not read things like "Partnership" and "Companionship" in the responses thus far. 

Some things I'm good at, and some things she's good at. Some things, I need her help to be good at, and she needs the same from me. This is the partnership aspect.

I need a friend, a buddy, a confidant, someone to share time with. This is the companionship, and no, the kind of companionship I'm talking about can't be fulfilled by a dog. My wife is everything from my fishing buddy and hiking buddy to my best friend. I need this from her.

I think most other needs are fulfilled in those things. I can probably think of a few other "ships" but partnerhip and companionship are always front of mind for me.


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## Zzyzx

shy_guy said:


> I'm really surprised to not read things like "Partnership" and "Companionship" in the responses thus far.
> 
> Some things I'm good at, and some things she's good at. Some things, I need her help to be good at, and she needs the same from me. This is the partnership aspect.
> 
> I need a friend, a buddy, a confidant, someone to share time with. This is the companionship, and no, the kind of companionship I'm talking about can't be fulfilled by a dog. My wife is everything from my fishing buddy and hiking buddy to my best friend. I need this from her.
> 
> I think most other needs are fulfilled in those things. I can probably think of a few other "ships" but partnerhip and companionship are always front of mind for me.


In order for her to feel like she can be your friend, buddy, confidante, lover, she MUST respect you. If she doesn't respect you, all those other things will at best be given grudgingly, not from her heart.

The question has been asked: what does respect look like? Here are some concrete things men look for:

1) know when to leave a man alone. This includes time in his mancave, his friends, his family, his job, his projects, etc. In moderation of course. Do not cut your man off from the world or from his pursuits. Again, moderation and appropriateness are good guidelines.
2) Never nag or criticize a man. Very few things turn men off more than this. Does that mean submission? No it does not. It means that the woman uses her feminine energy in a positive way to encourage her man toward better conduct. It means that she lets him know how she is feeling without belittling or shaming him.
3) Never talk down, let alone tear down or otherwise embarrass your man in front of others. Never trash your man in gossip with your friends. Shut that talk down if the subject goes there and do not participate when other women do it to their men.
4) Do not just talk about your affection for him. Show him. Be physical with him. Actions speak louder than words.


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## Goldmember357

Assuming the wife is actually a good wife loving caring and loyal and assuming the man is actually a man and a good husband loving caring loyal etc. 

Than all you need to give is your true love and it will last assuming you have a consummate love the "True love" than you have no need to worry. If you have commitment,passion and intimacy than that is the "true love". Many people confuse there loves as "true love" when in many many cases they never had that in there relationships that ended up failing. Because if they did truly have that than the relationship would not have ended. 



What husband's "need" is love but i will just go out on a limb and list somethings. 

1) telling your man you love him and how great he is
2) sex shows you are into him/care about him
3) attention- this ties into #1-2 but yes men like attention they so rarely get it though most of their lives though as its not the way we are wired to crave it as much i suppose.
4) a good heart/friend someone to talk to you can confide in


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## bandit.45

What do husbands need from their wives?

Silence.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl

bandit.45 said:


> What do husbands need from their wives?
> 
> Silence.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wow. That's pretty rude.

My husband and I have amazing conversations. He asks my opinion on issues and I ask him for advice. Silence in this house only happens during movies and even then, we joke about things and/or comment.

Maybe you want silence from your wife (sorry she's a shrew), but not all husbands do.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

that_girl said:


> My husband and I have amazing conversations. He asks my opinion on issues and I ask him for advice.


Same here. My husband and I have lengthy conversations daily. Our communication skills are out of this world fabulous. We are our each other's number one best friends.

He calls me several times a day while he's working just to see how I'm doing. I really appreciate it, since I don't talk to many people during the day when I'm home alone.

We talk all night too. After 13 years of being together, we never run out of things to talk about.


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## shy_guy

Zzyzx said:


> In order for her to feel like she can be your friend, buddy, confidante, lover, she MUST respect you. If she doesn't respect you, all those other things will at best be given grudgingly, not from her heart.





Goldmember357 said:


> Assuming the wife is actually a good wife loving caring and loyal and assuming the man is actually a man and a good husband loving caring loyal etc.
> 
> Than all you need to give is your true love and it will last assuming you have a consummate love the "True love" than you have no need to worry. *If you have commitment,passion and intimacy than that is the "true love".* Many people confuse there loves as "true love" when in many many cases they never had that in there relationships that ended up failing. Because if they did truly have that than the relationship would not have ended.
> 
> 
> 
> What husband's "need" is love but i will just go out on a limb and list somethings.
> 
> 1) telling your man you love him and how great he is
> 2) sex shows you are into him/care about him
> 3) attention- this ties into #1-2 but yes men like attention they so rarely get it though most of their lives though as its not the way we are wired to crave it as much i suppose.
> 4) a good heart/friend someone to talk to you can confide in


I'm going to disagree a bit with Zzyzx, and just bring up a point for discussion/clarification with Goldmember357.

I actually agree with an old adage I used to hear that says "Love is not a feeling, it's an act of the will." Developing from that, I've come to the opinion that the head needs to be in charge, and the heart needs to be in the passenger seat. If the head gives the heart a place where it can be happy, it will be happy, but the heart is too fickle to follow unchecked. 

That leads me to disagree with Zzyzx in that there are things that are lovingly done, where the heart is not in it. One example would be when your spouse is sick to the point that he/she can't make it to the bathroom in time. There is no doubt the spouse is in need, and there is no doubt I will take care of things, clean up, do what needs to be done, let my spouse rest - if she's that sick, she really needs rest and should not be worrying about cleaning up. I can guarantee there is no warm fuzzy feeling while I'm cleaning up, and it's not pleasant, but I will do it because that's what she needs. That's part of partnership and companionship. That's an extreme example, but I think you can see there are everyday examples that are much less extreme, and I know she has just as many examples as I do - maybe more. Sometimes, companionship starts as an act of the will, even in a daily manner, and the heart will come along. I have to compromise like this as well. Overall, it becomes very pleasant even if I can point at some things and claim my heart wasn't in it.

That brings me to the point of discussion for Goldmember357. I equate the "Act of the will" that I'm talking about with the "committment" that you're talking about. I see passion and intimacy as something that comes about from that, but especially in the case of passion, they are things that can come and go, or exist at varying levels at different times. I'd have to go back to the core of love being a willing committment.


----------



## MickeyD

PooDoo said:


> Does your wife tell you that she loves you?


She says that she loves me, but there is no passion behind it. It's like she would be telling her brother that she loves him.

I get stronger vibes from her when she tells me that she wish that she lived on her own and only have to worry herself (monthly occurance). I also have the brunt of the force when she has had a bad day at her temp job or something else has gone wrong. She feels a need to vent and I end up being the target. It's hard on the ego when you feel that you are being cursed at more times than you get get words of affirmation. 



> Were things ever better between the 2 of you - like when you were first married?


She had a high sex drive in the beginning. Our first month together we had sex 3-4 times a day. She also enjoyed cuddling in bed watching TV. 

At that time it didn't seems that she had intimacy issues, quite the opposite. She had multiple sex partners before she met me, and by her own admission even a threesome with two guys. I guess she must have liked having sex then.

After our marriage, the intimacy gradually slow down. Sex became 2-4 times a week. Cuddling in bed became playing footsies on the coach. She stopped taking the initiative.

After a few years became maybe one or twice a month. The only time she took initiative was when she wanted to have a baby and the sex was pretty mechanical without true passion.

Once the baby was born the amount of sex dwindled down to a few times a year. Cuddling has completely vanished from the reportoir at this time. A quick kiss on the mouth when I came home from work became good enough for her.



> That has changed? Over time feelings/actions change between 2 people (sometimes for the better sometimes for the worse). Little things become monsters the longer we are married - I'm assuming that is the case for many couples.


She changed; I didn't. I still have the urges but stopped acting on them. She allows me to "get my jollies" when I ask for it but I feel unsatisfied afterwards. It's obvious that she's not into it, so what's the point in trying anymore? 

She got a couple of medical issues that can justify her behavior to a certain extent, but as far as she has taken it. I don't have a wife and intimate partner; I have a room mate that I share a child and a house with.


----------



## PooDoo

Sounds like a lot of folks have great releationships with their spouse. We on the other hand have many ups and downs. My wife is a very nice person, and she communicates with me often. She however is not the greatest listener (to me anyway). Here's an example... 'How was work today' (she says) - 'Fabulous!' (I say) - 'That's good' (she says) and that's it - on to another subject. I think this is where the lack of respect comes in. Here's a definition that I like - 'respect is about feeling valued.' - and I don't. This time-and-time-again scenario does not make me want to talk to her - so I don't - I get pissed. She is very nice (and I love her and that is why this hurts so bad). Here's another one - my son-in-law comes over to the house every few weeks and whenever he comes in the house, he is the king. Everything about his life is so interesting and she tries to find out everything he's been doing and finds it so interesting. I love my son-in-law and he's a great guy, but why don't I ever get such treatment. I know she has it in her - I see it whenever he (and her brother) walks through the door. I mentioned to her the other night that she never shows much interest in me and never compliments me on ANYTHING - just 'thanks' when I do stuff for her. I told her the last time she said I looked handsome was over 2 years ago at my daughter'w wedding (true). Well, I guess I'm ok if she doesn't think I'm handsome, but showing some (spontaneous) interest/affection would be nice. If she would just come up to me and give me a big hug and tell me I'm the most important person in her life (and mean it) - I think I would break down and cry (and I'm not the crying type). Being taken for granted/neglected/ignored is disrespectful - and I feel it every day (to say nothing of the in-your-face disrespect that I get from time-to-time). 

BTW - I ordered the book - 'The 5 love languages' - it should be here tomorrow, so I look forward to reading it. I'm open for change - I may be the problem.


----------



## PooDoo

Bottled Up said:


> My best suggestion is start reading the book The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It sounds to me that both you and your wife don't understand how to communicate with each other in your respective love languages. I suggest you both read this book together as a couple... it will mean more as you both have the eye-opening experience of discovery together.





MickeyD said:


> She says that she loves me, but there is no passion behind it. It's like she would be telling her brother that she loves him.
> 
> I get stronger vibes from her when she tells me that she wish that she lived on her own and only have to worry herself (monthly occurance). I also have the brunt of the force when she has had a bad day at her temp job or something else has gone wrong. She feels a need to vent and I end up being the target. It's hard on the ego when you feel that you are being cursed at more times than you get get words of affirmation.
> 
> 
> 
> She had a high sex drive in the beginning. Our first month together we had sex 3-4 times a day. She also enjoyed cuddling in bed watching TV.
> 
> At that time it didn't seems that she had intimacy issues, quite the opposite. She had multiple sex partners before she met me, and by her own admission even a threesome with two guys. I guess she must have liked having sex then.
> 
> After our marriage, the intimacy gradually slow down. Sex became 2-4 times a week. Cuddling in bed became playing footsies on the coach. She stopped taking the initiative.
> 
> After a few years became maybe one or twice a month. The only time she took initiative was when she wanted to have a baby and the sex was pretty mechanical without true passion.
> 
> Once the baby was born the amount of sex dwindled down to a few times a year. Cuddling has completely vanished from the reportoir at this time. A quick kiss on the mouth when I came home from work became good enough for her.
> 
> 
> 
> She changed; I didn't. I still have the urges but stopped acting on them. She allows me to "get my jollies" when I ask for it but I feel unsatisfied afterwards. It's obvious that she's not into it, so what's the point in trying anymore?
> 
> She got a couple of medical issues that can justify her behavior to a certain extent, but as far as she has taken it. I don't have a wife and intimate partner; I have a room mate that I share a child and a house with.



Dude! I feel like a cry-baby with our issues. I'm proably not the best to give advice, but do you think the D-word would scare her into possibly changing? Working it out with someone you love is always better than splitting up and starting over - escpecially with a child in the mix. We've had some rough spots in our marriage, but unless there are some good times, with forgiveness/forgetfullness and change, what's the point of being misserable all the time? Life is too short. Pray for wisdom - you'll need it.


----------



## Zzyzx

shy_guy said:


> I'm going to disagree a bit with Zzyzx, and just bring up a point for discussion/clarification with Goldmember357.
> 
> That leads me to disagree with Zzyzx in that there are things that are lovingly done, where the heart is not in it.


When things are lovingly done, they are always from the heart. Cleaning up after your spouse is an act of love done from the heart even if it's an icky thing to do. If your heart isn't in the relationship, you won't be so motivated.



shy_guy said:


> Sometimes, companionship starts as an act of the will, even in a daily manner, and the heart will come along. I have to compromise like this as well. Overall, it becomes very pleasant even if I can point at some things and claim my heart wasn't in it.


It is actually the other way around. Your heart feels the relationship, that brings you to companionship even when it's not easy. Your heart was in the relationship does not mean that everything you do is pleasant. What you think of is the individual possibly unpleasant things to do that you think your heart is not into. But you do them precisely because your heart is in the relationship itself and your loving, if unpleasant, tasks stem from that context.

For a woman to feel this level of love and care and companionship for a man, she must first respect him. If she doesn't respect him, it is going to be very difficult for her to feel loving and caring toward him. A woman who doesn't respect her man already has one foot out the door. Of course it is incumbent on the man to be the kind of man she can give her respect to, but that's a topic for a separate thread.


----------



## PooDoo

Zzyzx said:


> When things are lovingly done, they are always from the heart. Cleaning up after your spouse is an act of love done from the heart even if it's an icky thing to do. If your heart isn't in the relationship, you won't be so motivated.
> 
> 
> It is actually the other way around. Your heart feels the relationship, that brings you to companionship even when it's not easy. Your heart was in the relationship does not mean that everything you do is pleasant. What you think of is the individual possibly unpleasant things to do that you think your heart is not into. But you do them precisely because your heart is in the relationship itself and your loving, if unpleasant, tasks stem from that context.
> 
> For a woman to feel this level of love and care and companionship for a man, she must first respect him. If she doesn't respect him, it is going to be very difficult for her to feel loving and caring toward him. A woman who doesn't respect her man already has one foot out the door. Of course it is incumbent on the man to be the kind of man she can give her respect to, but that's a topic for a separate thread.



Zzyzx: Usually you're spot on, but I've got to disagree with you on this one. I love my wife to death (kisses/flowers/hugs/cuddle you name it) and I do it because I really want to, but she is often disrespectful. She seems to be very happy with the situation (all her needs are met) - I'm not. I'm the one with 1 foot out the door if something doesn't change. Here's another one to add to my growing list of respect issues - I'm at the table talking to my wife and one of the kids comes into the kitchen and starts talking to her. Without missing a beat she starts up the conversation with my child - sometimes with me in mid-sentence. And often even gets up and leaves. Ouch!


----------



## shy_guy

Zzyzx said:


> It is actually the other way around. Your heart feels the relationship, that brings you to companionship even when it's not easy. Your heart was in the relationship does not mean that everything you do is pleasant. What you think of is the individual possibly unpleasant things to do that you think your heart is not into. But you do them precisely because your heart is in the relationship itself and your loving, if unpleasant, tasks stem from that context.
> 
> For a woman to feel this level of love and care and companionship for a man, she must first respect him. If she doesn't respect him, it is going to be very difficult for her to feel loving and caring toward him. A woman who doesn't respect her man already has one foot out the door. Of course it is incumbent on the man to be the kind of man she can give her respect to, but that's a topic for a separate thread.


I suppose it's a bit of a chicken and egg question, and part of the reason is probably that we put a little different philosophical division between heart and mind. No problem IMO if we do that.

If you were to ask me what I needed, I think respect is called for in other threads, but when I think of what I most appreciate, it is in the form of companionship and partnership. They may have respect implied, but it's not how I think of it - I think of it in the form of the companionship, partnership, etc.


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## Emly

I think Husbands needs a lot of Love,care,importance,Priority and of course Sex..


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## Runs like Dog

An occasional hot meal. And dial back on the crazy.


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## shy_guy

Thinking again on my partnership answer from before:

I suppose the reason disagreements between us are not seen as a big thing is that I have ALWAYS been able to trust that my wife always has our family's best interests in mind. It's never a question in my mind on that level. So long as I know that basic thing about her, then disagreements have always just been about the details - not the foundation. 

So let me add: she always has our family's best interests in mind.


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## mahike

Respect and of course respect needs to be returned but show me that I am important enough to get up early once in awhile and say goodbye as I go to work, and do not make me keep asking for sex show me you want to be with me you have a desire to want to please me. It works both ways.


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## MickeyD

PooDoo said:


> ... but do you think the D-word would scare her into possibly changing?


I honestly doubt it. She has pretty much made clear that she is who she is and that I will either have to suck it up or find somebody else. Maybe she's bluffing, I don't know.

Anyhow, something has to give. I can't continue like this anymore.


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## PooDoo

MickeyD said:


> I honestly doubt it. She has pretty much made clear that she is who she is and that I will either have to suck it up or find somebody else. Maybe she's bluffing, I don't know.
> 
> Anyhow, something has to give. I can't continue like this anymore.


If it were me, I think I would try to start over with her. Start dating her - try to have some fun with her. Buy her some flowers, take her out to dinner/dancing whatever she likes to do (romance her - like you did before you were married). Although maybe just being her friend may be the first step. In my case, the pain is because I love her, if I didn't care, then it wouldn't matter. When she's been nasty to me, I used to fight back and try to hurt her back - now I just silently get pissed (and a bit of hate I must admit). Sounds like you've stayed with her a long time in a not-so-good marriage, so there must be some pretty deep feelings still there. We feel the woman who knows us best thinks we are not worth loving (the way we need to be loved to be happy anyway) - that is what hurts(over and over). Best of luck! Let us know how it goes.


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## PooDoo

1 Corinthians 13:4–8a 
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails …
Ephesians 5:33 
... you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband


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## canttrustu

Entropy3000 said:


> The below are all essential. Number one is really the culmination of all the rest. I would not want to do without any of the others though. The His Needs Her Needs labels are in parenthesis.
> 
> 1) Intimacy ( Sexual Fullfillment ) - Includes Faithfulness
> 
> 2) Respect ( Admiration ) - Includes Faithfulness
> 
> 3) Companionship ( Recreational Companionship ) - I need quality time with my wife while enjoying recreational activities
> 
> 4) Communication ( Conversation / Honesty & Openness ) - So I am declaring communication a need for me. It encompasses various other related areas. This was probably not a top need I had a dozen years ago. This is where I declare I love my wife for her mind. This is part of intimacy.
> 
> 5) Loving ( Affection / Attractiveness ) - I am combining these two here. I appreciate more these years the affection my wife has always shown me. I probably have less distractions in my life than I used to and can enjoy it more. The attractiveness is my wife just be sexy for me. She takes care of herself and dresses very much to please me.
> 
> 
> My needs have evolved during our marriage. Kids are grown and have kids of their own. A dozen years ago my needs probably matched more closely the list for men below for men.
> 
> ----
> 
> The below are supposedly the most common needs expressed by men in this order:
> 
> sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, physical attractiveness, domestic support, and admiration.
> 
> ----
> Supposedly for women:
> 
> affection, conversation, openness and honesty, financial support, and family commitment


wow! according to this list.....I am a man!!!!lol


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## deejov

PooDoo said:


> 1 Corinthians 13:4–8a
> Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails …
> Ephesians 5:33
> ... *you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband*


The opposite of love really isn't hate. It's apathy.
You used to fight back. Now you don't. And neither does she.
People treat you the way you let them. No use complaining how rude she is to you... silence is acceptance. No one is telling her it's wrong 

Yeah, I treat my stbx H in a similar way. He wants to be the center of all conversations. He doesn't listen to anyone else, interrupts, and starts his own story. New habit he picked up. So I no longer engage in the conversation. What's the point?

And eerily... I have heard similar complaints that when my grown son is around, I smile and treat my son like gold and he feels like dirt. Jealousy? Maybe. My relationship with my son is mine. And different. And I don't see him everyday. But I DID make efforts to make him feel more included.

After a year of this, it started to come across as really self centered. Poor me. I'm not the centre of attention. 

Lesson here? a LOT of the time, behavior you don't like is a reaction to yourself. Only thing I could do... treat him the way I wanted to be treated.

And that worked until I could no longer care less. Apathy. Who gives a sh!t if it bothers you or not.


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## PooDoo

deejov said:


> The opposite of love really isn't hate. It's apathy.
> You used to fight back. Now you don't. And neither does she.
> People treat you the way you let them. No use complaining how rude she is to you... silence is acceptance. No one is telling her it's wrong


The silence can be deafening - if you know what I mean. I'm usually a happy-go-lucky guy, nothing used to bother me, but slowly over time, her lack of interest in me has become unbarable. We had a big blow-out the other day and I told her again how I've been feeling. For the most part, she was very defensive (as usual), but said she would try to change (as usual). I feel almost dead inside (maybe depressed - I don't know and can't really put my finger on it - never felt this bad before). I hope things will change. I am jealous - the person I love (am crazy about) doesn't seem to love me (or need me). I've never had emotional issues (until now), very stable - work hard every day am a great provider. . How can someone you've lived with for many years - over time stop saying anything positive (almost always negative) to you? Maybe her speech and actions are right. Maybe I'm not much. I will fight my 'bitter feelings' and just try to love her more. I don't care (never really did) if she cooks/cleans (which I help her with BTW) etc - that is not what I need. I think she thinks I need all of that stuff and sex and I should be happy - I want something more - her heart. I just want to be happy again. One good thing that has happened is that I am now telling her exactly how I'm feeling and not bottling it up. In the past, she thought I was manipulating her for more sex - how anyone could think that kind of sex would be satisfying to anyone in a marriage is beyond me. I'm to the point of making her decide when we have sex to avoid her saying I was getting what I 'really' wanted. I'm a guy, so this is a bit hard, but if it shows her that all this is not about sex - then I can take it. Anyone else going through this out there?


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## Runs like Dog

We're all pretty banged up and horribly flawed. Love me for free.


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## Dar-li

:sleeping:
The family habbit, or to remain together, is the problem...
The woman is like a bird if you are 'the hunter' and a happy family needs space in artistic plane, if we were to see the life marriage period like beautiful film. Needs a lot of 'green' color, is only a symbolic, that means harmony or calm, and youmust be an expert in mixing that color with the red, pozitive passion, because brown with red, animal pasion, is confused with the pure red, a strange and unic feeling color. And to 'create' a rainbow in your life you must know what is and how to use the 'yellow' the princess of the colors, symbol of pure evil.


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## PooDoo

Say what???

Anyone interested in the continuing PooDoo saga, I have an update. After having my wife take the '5 languages of Love' quiz - I found out that she is definately 'Acts of service' (she selected me washing her car over spending time together). This was a real eye opener. So, I've been killing myself around the house and I got to admit things are getting a bit better (she does a lot more work than I thought!). I'm still not totally satisfied, but she is trying. She wrote me a nice note the other day (nothing deep though - thanks for doing the bills etc) and I asked her if it was hard to write the note - she said no. So I wonder what's the problem? She knows that I have issues with her rarely showing respect/appreciation for me (except 'thanks'). I've been loving her to death, but still not much appreciation. I really don't get her. Is it so hard to say I'm important to her or thanks for being a good/great husband. She has been trying to listen to me more - I'm an engineer, so she doesn't understand anything I tell her about my day, but she at least is trying. So, things are a bit better in that area. And yes, I listen to her (always have) - I know everything about her day (most days) and the people she works with. I think at some point she started to think I was boring - work every day (no clue what I actually do) bring home paycheck (repeat). She shows me love in lots of ways that I appreciate, but she's not so good at loving me the way I need to be loved. Respect and appreciation is what I need and not just for doing things for her (or the family) which are important - but for who I am. I think she is holding onto some grudge from the past that she can't let go of. She often tells me 'thats just the way I am' - like take it or leave it. I think we'd be divorced if I took the same attitude. I like that she can be feisty - that's one of the things that attracted me to her, but we both need to change for the better at times. If she needs something, I should be willing to give it even if it isn't my thing. I expect(ed) the same from her - is that asking too much from your mate who is supposed to love you? She shows more respect for people she hardly knows and for certain family members that do nothing for her. I told her that she should start saying things to me that she would say at my funeral - won't do me any good then, I need to hear them now!


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## anotherguy

PooDoo said:


> Say what???
> 
> Anyone interested in the continuing PooDoo saga, I have an update. After having my wife take the '5 languages of Love' quiz - I found out that she is definately 'Acts of service' (she selected me washing her car over spending time together). This was a real eye opener. So, I've been killing myself around the house and I got to admit things are getting a bit better (she does a lot more work than I thought!). I'm still not totally satisfied, but she is trying. She wrote me a nice note the other day (nothing deep though - thanks for doing the bills etc) and I asked her if it was hard to write the note - she said no. So I wonder what's the problem? She knows that I have issues with her rarely showing respect/appreciation for me (except 'thanks'). I've been loving her to death, but still not much appreciation. I really don't get her. Is it so hard to say I'm important to her or thanks for being a good/great husband. She has been trying to listen to me more - I'm an engineer, so she doesn't understand anything I tell her about my day, but she at least is trying. So, things are a bit better in that area. And yes, I listen to her (always have) - I know everything about her day (most days) and the people she works with. I think at some point she started to think I was boring - work every day (no clue what I actually do) bring home paycheck (repeat). She shows me love in lots of ways that I appreciate, but she's not so good at loving me the way I need to be loved. Respect and appreciation is what I need and not just for doing things for her (or the family) which are important - but for who I am. I think she is holding onto some grudge from the past that she can't let go of. She often tells me 'thats just the way I am' - like take it or leave it. I think we'd be divorced if I took the same attitude. I like that she can be feisty - that's one of the things that attracted me to her, but we both need to change for the better at times. If she needs something, I should be willing to give it even if it isn't my thing. I expect(ed) the same from her - is that asking too much from your mate who is supposed to love you? She shows more respect for people she hardly knows and for certain family members that do nothing for her. I told her that she should start saying things to me that she would say at my funeral - won't do me any good then, I need to hear them now!


huh. You sound very needy - if I may be so bold. I am assuming you scored a 10 in the old 'words of affirmation' department?


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## WorkingOnMe

Forgive me, I've only read the first 5 pages of this thread. 

But ladies: take note!!! Only twice was anything mentioned about cooking, cleaning mothering etc... (and both of those times it was mentioned by women, not men) If you think that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach then you've been sold a bridge in Manhattan. Personally, I know that my wife has a warped sense of priorities. She thinks things like coming home to a nice meal and a clean house are important. I could really care less about those things. 

Respect, admiration, a little ego stroking.... good, frequent and enthusiastic sex. These are the things that make me happy. I can cook for myself as long as she's naked under the apron in the kitchen with me.

Meet me at the door with a good meal vs. meet me at the door in lingerie and a smile?


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## LovesHerMan

PooDoo:

PM DawnD. She had the same dynamic in her marriage, and she learned to give her husband words of affirmation. It is hard for a crisp, no-nonsense acts of service person to comprehend that their spouse needs to hear words of appreciation.


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## maccheese

Yep, thats me, and the vice versa applies. My husband talks all day "I'm proud of you." "I love you" "You're fine." yea yea, can you do the floors like you said you would TWO WEEKS AGO!



lovesherman said:


> PooDoo:
> 
> PM DawnD. She had the same dynamic in her marriage, and she learned to give her husband words of affirmation. It is hard for a crisp, no-nonsense acts of service person to comprehend that their spouse needs to hear words of appreciation.


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## Dr. Rockstar

that_girl said:


> Wow. That's pretty rude.
> 
> My husband and I have amazing conversations. He asks my opinion on issues and I ask him for advice. Silence in this house only happens during movies and even then, we joke about things and/or comment.
> 
> Maybe you want silence from your wife (sorry she's a shrew), but not all husbands do.


 Actually I agree with him, at least as a concept. I think that there comes a time for most men, single or married, desire only a place where they can be left totally alone. I go to a local library and read. My dad has a workshop in the garage. My father-in-law goes on solo bike rides for hours at a time. They might go hiking or camping or fishing or just have a man cave where they can watch the game.

Something all men need, and something I think is far overlooked, is a place to retreat and recharge. Without that, the stress begins to accumulate on husbands and fathers, and that will eventually impact the family as a whole.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LemonLime

carmaenforcer said:


> I *need* to be given credit for all the good that I bring to the relationship, with my not caring that my Wife doesn't cook and that I have to do all the cooking, That she purposely sucks in bed and that I have not resorted to cheating, yet.


I need you to explain this..... WHY would you cheat? Why not just tell her what you need? You sound like an ******* if considering cheating even comes to your mind.


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## flnative

Love, respect and sex. If any of the three are missing then it makes it tough to be a good man....


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## PooDoo

LemonLime said:


> I need you to explain this..... WHY would you cheat? Why not just tell her what you need? You sound like an ******* if considering cheating even comes to your mind.


When a man's needs are not being met, we get all kinds of crazy thoughts. Cheating doesn't sound so crazy when at a low point. I've often thought that my wife should find someone else so at least then she would see how good she's had it - (crazy I know). And about getting your ego stroked - I'd love it! You want a man to get off his a$$ and do something - try it. Nagging (being bossed around/mothered) is not the way to get a man to do anything. My wife was nagging me about taking the Christmas lights down - they are still up (and not because I'm lazy like she thinks).


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## Bobby5000

I'd put this in a strong want category. You'd like to have someone on your side, and who can provide support. You don't want to mention a problem, knowing your wife would give a friend support and compassion, and spend the next 9 hours hearing criticism and dire predictions. Again, since many women like to verbalize problems, and express their concerns even if negative, you cannot expect the unfettered support you'd like to see. 



Conflicted said:


> Being able to share things without getting the feeling of being judged. (Not sure what "trait" that is, english isn't my first language)
> I like touch
> Respect & trust
> I also need alone time


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## PooDoo

maccheese said:


> Yep, thats me, and the vice versa applies. My husband talks all day "I'm proud of you." "I love you" "You're fine." yea yea, can you do the floors like you said you would TWO WEEKS AGO!


Sounds like you are letting floors take a priority over your husband. If he's like most men - he's not lazy. He's probably feeling that you care more for the damn floors than you do for him. Your relationship with him should mean more to you than floors. Make him your top priority (give him what he needs) and he will do the floors. I did the same thing to my wife - praising her all the time etc (which did little good) - I tend to need 'words of affirmation' as a love language. I thought she needed the same love that I needed. I was wrong. Your husband is probably wrong as well. We try to give love the way we need love - he probably needs you to say to him what you have been hearing from him - praise and appreciation (and a bit of respect and ego stroking). Sounds like he is trying - you should too. Meet his needs and he will meet yours (doing the floors).


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## ahhnold

besides sex which is a primary and numero uno need. ----a very close second is APPRECIATION. APPRECIATION. APPRECIATION. APPRECIATION.


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## Jeff/BC

I need a woman to SEE me... to care about me... for real. It's amazingly hard to find. Pretty much everyone, men and women alike, are just not interested in that sort of a deal.

I want a life partner who I can bank on to have my back and who is strong enough to shoulder the load when I have collapsed under it.

I want someone to think that because something makes me unhappy is sufficient reason in and of itself to move heaven and earth to change it... that my unhappiness is just NOT acceptable in general and especially not acceptable when it's her cause. 

I want someone who understands that it doesn't matter if she wants what I want. What matters is that *I* want it. It also doesn't matter if she understands why I want it.

I want a partner who wants a full contact marriage. I'm big on emotional intimacy... very big. My preferred orbit with my partner is zero distance... mentally, emotionally, and physically. Safety is.. well.. not how I play the love game. I'm more the "go large or go home" sort.

I want a partner who's first instinct is to say, "What can *I* do to improve this situation not What can *he* do."

I want a partner who sees a relationship as a team sport not an adversarial competition. I do not believe I can "win" an argument with my wife anymore than if I was playing football I could "win" over my own team mate.

In short, I want a woman who's both able and willing to commit to the relationship as much as I am. Sex isn't on the list only because it's trivial in comparison. If I have the stuff on that list I'm pretty sure I'll be sexually satisfied  

I guess I want a woman a lot like Carol 

~Jeff


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## PooDoo

Jeff/BC said:


> I need a woman to SEE me... to care about me... for real. It's amazingly hard to find. Pretty much everyone, men and women alike, are just not interested in that sort of a deal.
> 
> I want a life partner who I can bank on to have my back and who is strong enough to shoulder the load when I have collapsed under it.
> 
> I want someone to think that because something makes me unhappy is sufficient reason in and of itself to move heaven and earth to change it... that my unhappiness is just NOT acceptable in general and especially not acceptable when it's her cause.
> 
> I want someone who understands that it doesn't matter if she wants what I want. What matters is that *I* want it. It also doesn't matter if she understands why I want it.
> 
> I want a partner who wants a full contact marriage. I'm big on emotional intimacy... very big. My preferred orbit with my partner is zero distance... mentally, emotionally, and physically. Safety is.. well.. not how I play the love game. I'm more the "go large or go home" sort.
> 
> I want a partner who's first instinct is to say, "What can *I* do to improve this situation not What can *he* do."
> 
> I want a partner who sees a relationship as a team sport not an adversarial competition. I do not believe I can "win" an argument with my wife anymore than if I was playing football I could "win" over my own team mate.
> 
> In short, I want a woman who's both able and willing to commit to the relationship as much as I am. Sex isn't on the list only because it's trivial in comparison. If I have the stuff on that list I'm pretty sure I'll be sexually satisfied
> 
> I guess I want a woman a lot like Carol
> 
> ~Jeff


I hope Carol is your W. Great post.


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