# sleep and him saying I don't love him



## orangyred (May 6, 2011)

I'll try to brief and concise with this. The main issue is that I don't sleep very well. And finally I got a system down that I thought was working. It really helped for some reason to go to the other room when I started to feel upset. At least then I didn't go ballistic (yelling, screaming, etc). And it's really helped with that stuff! But he feels rejected when I do that. So I've been trying to stay in our room again. BTW, sometimes it works just fine to stay in our room, just not always. But now I'm back to going ballistic. He says just don't do that. The more I try not to get upset the more upset I get. 

I don't know what to do anymore. My husband keeps saying I don't love him when this happens. Okay, he asks "don't you love me". Maybe he's right. But I sure feel like I try to love him. He isn't being manipulative, btw. I try to love him more in other ways. I make sure to hug and kiss him lots (he really likes that). I say "I love you" a lot. I try to do what he wants to do. Although, he doesn't have much he wants to do. He's usually following me around with what I want to do. 

*sigh* I really don't know what to do. I'm lost.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

For him it's probably an insecurity item. It's silly, but I get it. I mean, no one likes to sleep alone when they have someone to bump up against or snuggle with. Many people see it as a sign of rejection.

For you, I think I might go and talk with someone about your sleep issues. Is it over active thoughts? Maybe caffine too late in the day... 

But do try and reassure your husband it's not him. Maybe place your arm around him before you leave the next time and a little peck on the neck and just say you can't sleep and don't want to keep him up. And in the meantime, go talk to your primary care physcian about this and determine how to sleep better.


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## orangyred (May 6, 2011)

I will try again with the doctor. I tried a couple times and her advice was prescription meds. I wasn't fond of the idea at the time, but maybe I need to. I have tried lots of things on my own, so I guess I should try a sleep center or something.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

orangyred said:


> I will try again with the doctor. I tried a couple times and her advice was prescription meds. I wasn't fond of the idea at the time, but maybe I need to. I have tried lots of things on my own, so I guess I should try a sleep center or something.


If I may ask, why are you not sleeping?


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## NelsonTrouble (Jan 5, 2013)

If me and my hubs are fighting even if I am sooo angry, when he doesn't come to bed it makes it 10x worse for me. I want to physically feel him next to me, at least in the same bed, no matter what has happened that day. Having that connection at the end of the day makes me feel more complete in our unity.


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## orangyred (May 6, 2011)

I wish I knew. I've tried all the usual suggestions: caffeine, TV, computer, naps, etc, etc. Yes, there are times that those effect me, I'm sure, but not consistently or even usually. Sometimes I'm wound up, sometimes I'm thinking too much, etc. But sometimes I'm completely relaxed, ready to sleep, and it doesn't come. Sometimes I'm physically uncomfortable. Sometimes motrins help with that, sometimes they don't. I really don't know.


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

When we dont sleep, it greatly impacts our ability to regulate emotions. Maybe you can find some articles about this to show him. Then explain that you dont want to be a basket case from not sleeping, then let him know ots not about HIM, its about you. That you must sleep in order to not go ballistic on him. If he doesnt inderstand this after you explain it to him, hes being selfish and insecure. 

Either way, you have to take care of you.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

orangyred said:


> I wish I knew. I've tried all the usual suggestions: caffeine, TV, computer, naps, etc, etc. Yes, there are times that those effect me, I'm sure, but not consistently or even usually. Sometimes I'm wound up, sometimes I'm thinking too much, etc. But sometimes I'm completely relaxed, ready to sleep, and it doesn't come. Sometimes I'm physically uncomfortable. Sometimes motrins help with that, sometimes they don't. I really don't know.


I'm a life long insomniac and now have severe sleep apnea and your problems were exactly what I went though for decades. My best advice:

* no caffine past 5PM

* no TV or visual medium just prior to bed

* try and be on your feet for 15 minutes prior to bed (light housework...)

* maybe, if you are so inclined, to read some religous material just prior to bed

* for me, to get rid of excessive thoughts I listened to sports radio falling asleep. It actually worked pretty well as it helped me to focus in on something not too distracting.

* I cannot fall alseep right after sex. Maybe look at sex patterns.

Anyway, a few thoughts.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

What is it that you go ballistic over, is it because you cant sleep? Or is it something hubs is doing?


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## orangyred (May 6, 2011)

a little bit of ocd, a little bit of perfectionism, a little bit of temper, and a whole lot of I can't sleep. it's never him, per-se. little things, maybe, but it's more me. 

thanks all for your advice today. so appreciated!


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## shdbhappy (Jan 10, 2013)

Does it piss you off that you cannot sleep and hes laying next to snoring like a baby? that happens to me a lot and then i start picking fights with him saying things like "you dont pay attention to me, this is the only time we really have to ourselves and you choose to fall asleep" things of that nature. i usually end up ruining the sleep for both of us after i do that because i push and push him until he gets so upset he cant sleep but we are both to proud to makeup and try to sleep. just wondering if that happens with you as well


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

orangyred said:


> My husband keeps saying I don't love him when this happens. Okay, he asks "don't you love me". Maybe he's right. But I sure feel like I try to love him. He isn't being manipulative, btw. I try to love him more in other ways. I make sure to hug and kiss him lots (he really likes that). I say "I love you" a lot. I try to do what he wants to do. Although, he doesn't have much he wants to do. He's usually following me around with what I want to do.
> 
> *sigh* I really don't know what to do. I'm lost.


If you have been "going ballistic (yelling, screaming, etc)" then like it or not, your partner is damaged and it's going to take some doing for him to heal. His demonstrated insecurity here is his expression of his hurt. 

That said, it is presumptuous for your husband to say you don't love him when he should be saying that he doesn't feel loved. And I'm sure he doesn't. It's good that you are trying to make him feel loved in other ways and I think this will work but it's going to take a little more effort. Make it a point to make him feel valued. Go out of your way to show how pleased you are with anything he does right. Before you leave him sleeping alone, make sure you have said enough good things about him that his feeling of being loved carries over until you get back.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I definitely feel 'less loved' if I'm sleeping alone. Sleeping in the same bed as my wife is very important to me. Not so much other people but definitely to me. It's like wearing a wedding ring. Some people don't care. But to me, taking it off is a very meaningful action. And to me, sleeping separately is the same thing.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

My husband can't sleep. I sleep like a baby. I would be devastated if my husband didn't sleep with me. Would a compromise be sleeping with the TV on? Does that help you? I can't stand falling asleep with the TV on, or hearing it throughout the night. Sometimes I wear earplugs. But this is better than him sleeping in another room. Why are you going ballistic at him anyway? That's sounds like another issue to deal with that is separate from the sleep issue.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Sleeping in the same bed is an intimacy issue. I know that when my other half was sleeping on the couch or not in our bed, I didn't feel as close or connected. The same was the case when I went to bed and he stayed up for an hour or two.

Having the closeness keeps me feeling connected to my hubby which translates into feeling more loved. 

What can you do to help make that happen? Can the two of you work on the issues that are making you want to scream?


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