# Need advice on giving sex only out of duty and not because I want it ..



## stitchbum (Jan 3, 2014)

I've been married for 7 years and we hardly have "normal" sex anymore.. he just asks for it and i just give him because I feel like it's my duty to do so.

Any other women who are in the same situation? What do you do?


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Are ther issues in your marriage that you think might be causing your lack of desire. Is he satisfying your emotional needs and speaking to your love language?

My wife used to be that way. We worked out the underlying issues and fixed our marriage. Now she wants it again. Not as often as I want it, but often enough.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You resent him for other things and that has killed your desire.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I struggled with this. If you don't feel connected with them enough, it's a struggle to feel like more than a willing body. Initially, while working through a low point in my marriage where I didn't feel he was willing to reciprocate and meet my needs, I gave him many BJs instead. Things have improved now that I feel more 'in love' with him again. There were issues other than the standard HD/LD issues that made it more complicated than just saying 'yes' to sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Some people simply fall out of love with their spouse. We all make mistakes.

But usually it is caused by something. Maybe him leaving the top off the toothpaste tube all the time, or not helping round the house...it may be something totally ridiculous but nonetheless something that chips away at you day in day out, little by little till you get to the stage that you simply lose all interest and find yourself having sex simply to 'keep the peace'.

Do you want to live the rest of your life like this? Your choices are simple (but yes, alot harder to implement);

1) go to MC and try to work things out with your husband
2) divorce


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Divorce seems to be thrown around on this site with every problem. Most issues will just be carried into the next relationship. Skipping through life and relationships without dealing with our issues is not what any of us really want. We're searching for that meaningful relationship that only comes from working through our problems with our partner.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Breeze, I know your above comment wasn't aimed at me personally...

Of course divorce should only been seen as a last and final option.

Perhaps I am too bitter and resentful about my own predicament, however we all have to be realistic.

Yes we should, that is both husband and wife, work at making our marriages work, meeting halfway, compromising, being considerate towards the others needs etc etc... but if once you have done all that and you still aren't happy then accept it, divorce and move on.

I think in the past too many people have stayed in unhappy marriages because divorcing was taboo or against their religious or ethical beliefs.

This is the only life we have...why be miserable? I am quite sure that whatever 'higher being' you believe in would much rather you were a happy person making the most of the life you have been given than being a miserable git in a stagnant and unhappy marriage.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

stitchbum said:


> I've been married for 7 years and we hardly have "normal" sex anymore.. he just asks for it and i just give him because I feel like it's my duty to do so.
> 
> Any other women who are in the same situation? What do you do?


I follow my mothers advice. Close my eyes and think of England....


But then sometimes I remember that he loves me and that sex for him is his way of feeling the love I have for him. During those moments. If I actually feel love for him, I go all out and get as wild and crazy kinky as I can.

Then there are times when I want sex because I am horny. During those times I get wild and crazy kinky because I really like to have lots of orgasms.

And then there are snow days, like today, when the kids are off school and I sooooo wish they had been in school so that I can bang my husband and get my rocks off.

So sweetheart, how about you get off the internet and go make love to your husband?


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

I don't know if this fits your situation, but my wife has responsive desire. This means that she rarely thinks about sex, and sometimes even starts sex in neutral. However, once we get started, she really pgets into it and most often has a great orgasm. Do a web search to know more.

Also, is he making sure you are sexually fulfilled? I can imagine if you rarely have an orgasm during sex that you would grow weary of that.

For about the first fifteen years of our marriage, she did not desire sex as often as I did because of problems in our marriage. Once that was dealt with, the sex became more frequent and intimate.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

do you have a sex drive?

do you masterbate instead of going to him when your feeling .......frisky?

do you orgasm with him?
if not have you ever told him?
and have you ever told him what you need and like?

men don't feel like or maybe can't meet your emotional needs if you haven't tried to meet his sexual needs. and women don't feel like or maybe can't meet his sexual needs if her emotional needs arn't being met.

Damn I hate that but its true.

talk about it with this in mind and be open and honest about with out judging eachother.


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## sounhappy (Jul 15, 2012)

Make him sing a song. Maybe you'll both laugh and it'll turn into fun sex. Different, or change, in the smallest of ways can do wonders. Hopefully for you it's that simple. When fixing anything, start with the simplest solutions first. What do you have to lose?


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

He asks and you give it to him? Does he just verbally ask or does he actually put in some effort to try and turn you on? 

How is your sex drive in general? Do you ever masturbate?

I occasionally will have duty sex...but it always does end up turning me on so it ends up being a win:win for both of us.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

askari said:


> This is the only life we have...why be miserable? I am quite sure that whatever 'higher being' you believe in would much rather you were a happy person making the most of the life you have been given than being a miserable git in a stagnant and unhappy marriage.


You've answered your own questions Askari. You want out. Nothing wrong with admitting you're on the wrong road but quit trying to convince yourself, "we can work it out". You can't. I've worked on marriages and from experience, you'll work yourself exhaustion long before it gets better. My current marriage of more than 20 years has never required "work". Problems just naturally dissipate. 
When it gets where the spouse leaving the cap of the toothpaste turns you into an ice burg, its past the point of no return and its time for the exit door. Two of the most over rated things in the world is trying to preserve a bad marriage and,,I can't remember with the other is.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Surely I can't be the only one here who drinks to get through sex?


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

N.L. it sounds like you're hitched to the wrong wagon to.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

ThePheonix said:


> N.L. it sounds like you're hitched to the wrong wagon to.


I am. Trying everything else first before I really consider D though. I can honestly say I've been working my butt off on this for 5 years, and there's still work on me to do. At the same time, h has put in almost no effort, so things aren't looking good.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

ThePheonix said:


> You've answered your own questions Askari. You want out. Nothing wrong with admitting you're on the wrong road but quit trying to convince yourself, "we can work it out". You can't. I've worked on marriages and from experience, you'll work yourself exhaustion long before it gets better. My current marriage of more than 20 years has never required "work". Problems just naturally dissipate.
> When it gets where the spouse leaving the cap of the toothpaste turns you into an ice burg, its past the point of no return and its time for the exit door. Two of the most over rated things in the world is trying to preserve a bad marriage and,,I can't remember with the other is.


Pheonix - The toothpaste tube was a very minor part of it.
Without wanting to bore you, its been 20 years of frustration; sexually incompatibility, completely different sense of humour, her being on a different planet most of the time, her refusing to continue with mc when sex comes up etc.

Yes I admit it, I do want out. Thing is, we have an 11yr old daughter and a 14 yr old son. 
I can't live without them. 
So, like so many men and women on here, I stay put...but when the time comes, I will be off.

You might say that is pathetic etc....My wife and I are not the same nationality. If I moved out now, she would return to her 'home' country taking the children with her...I'd see them once maybe twice a year. 

I couldn't hack it...they are my raison d'etre.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

askari said:


> You might say that is pathetic etc....My wife and I are not the same nationality. If I moved out now, she would return to her 'home' country taking the children with her...I'd see them once maybe twice a year.
> 
> I couldn't hack it...they are my raison d'etre.


My husband also comes from another country, and we made the mistake of getting the girls citizenship in both countries. So now if we divorce and he takes them out of the country, I'm screwed. I can visit there for a max of 3 months a year on a tourist visa, that's it. I think my H wouldn't do that, but it's certainly a risk.

Now when someone I know considers marrying internationally, I strongly caution them to consider how badly it could go in the event of a divorce. Depressing, but that's the reality.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

northernlights said:


> My husband also comes from another country, and we made the mistake of getting the girls citizenship in both countries. So now if we divorce and he takes them out of the country, I'm screwed. I can visit there for a max of 3 months a year on a tourist visa, that's it. I think my H wouldn't do that, but it's certainly a risk.
> 
> Now when someone I know considers marrying internationally, I strongly caution them to consider how badly it could go in the event of a divorce. Depressing, but that's the reality.


Oh, you poor thing! I know exactly what you're going through, but there will come a time when you've hit your wall and hopefully, you won't hate him by then. Hopefully there will be something left so if he does wake up, as Mr. Pink did, there will be something left upon which to rebuild.

Crossing my finger for you NL!


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Thanks anon! Your story certainly gives me hope!


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

breeze said:


> Divorce seems to be thrown around on this site with every problem. Most issues will just be carried into the next relationship. Skipping through life and relationships without dealing with our issues is not what any of us really want. We're searching for that meaningful relationship that only comes from working through our problems with our partner.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree. 

Divorce seems to be the answer for everything on this site.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whathappenedtome (Nov 4, 2013)

Men know exactly when sex is just duty sex. Most of us will not say no to it because any sex is better than no sex. But if there is not feeling behind it, we know. We begin to resent that, and it can lead to more difficulty.

Whatever it is that prevents you from actually wanting and enjoying sex with him has to be addressed. If it can't be addressed, you should at least let him know why it can't, and openly and honestly set parameters around how and if your relationship will proceed.

It's the only fair thing to do for him AND YOU.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

northernlights said:


> I am. Trying everything else first before I really consider D though. I can honestly say I've been working my butt off on this for 5 years, and there's still work on me to do. At the same time, h has put in almost no effort, so things aren't looking good.


What's worse than working your butt off for the last 5 years is gonna be working your butt off for the next five. You can't make a silk purse from a sows ear my girl; no matter how much you try. 
I worked dang near 20 years on my first marriage to no avail. I've put 20 in my second and haven't had to work at all. Not having to work is way better.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I'm neither a masochist nor a martyr and, therefore, I would never feel compelled to have "duty sex," OP. If I didn't want to have sex with my SO I would try to find out why, and either seek MC or end the relationship.


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