# Marriage Despair



## desertdog (Apr 22, 2013)

I need someone to talk too about us. I've never shared my feelings with my family or friends. They know we have issues, but not to this degree. Also, wasn't sure which forum to post it on because it falls between money and sex. So, here it goes...

My husband (early 30s) and I (mid 20s) have been struggling since we were married. Our wedding was a few years ago and since that point, things have gotten worse (we’ve been together 5 years total). Most of it has to do with his job. The rest because of sex. He works in a very specialized technology field that’s currently incredibly popular. It’s been a big time thing for a while now, but is getting major media recognition now. Needless to say, he’s busy. He’s also one of the few men on the planet that can do what he does. So few, he's currently out of the country. The money is good, but not worth the 60-70 hour weeks. Really, the money should be MUCH better, but he isn’t quite finished with his degree. Almost, but not quite (and once he’s done, he can demand quite a salary increase). He doesn’t want to leave the industry, but absolutely cannot take a $20k pay cut to switch companies. Why? Well, I don’t bring much to the table. I’m currently unemployed (it's only been 2 months). Between the money from the government and what I make doing side jobs, we’re doing fine. I have no debt and very few bills. He covers everything household wise and can comfortably save. But he’s miserable. We’re miserable. If he took a huge pay cut, we couldn’t afford our home, cars, hobbies, and most importantly, school. Every time we talk about it, we end up fighting. He doesn’t want to give up anything as much as I do. There is absolutely NO chance of us being happy if he did take a huge pay cut. He’s admitted this outright. 

Another point to mention is he really doesn’t want to leave the industry. While he has numerous high dollar job offers at a major international company, they’re all in awful places (Detroit and Columbus to name a few). Our long term goal is to move west. We HATE the Midwest and want to be as far from it as possible. The chances of us moving west are great, but he has to finish that degree first. He’s so close to finishing, which means we are that much closer to us moving are starting a life together. Honestly, we’ve never had a life together. He’s gone Monday thru Friday every single week. When I am working I take care of everything. Our animals, the house, the property (we’ve got acreage), everything. He is pretty good a helping, but generally any sort of projects or repairs go on for months. I can’t do everything, but at the same time, can’t always afford to have a professional come out. 

The first time I was unemployed, I was severely depressed. He didn’t notice and held the lack of housework against me. It was the first major break in our marriage. I also got a bit heavier. When we first started dating, I was heavy. Then I lost a ton of weight and have slowly put it back, plus some. It happens. Other than the weight, I’m healthy as a horse (had a full work up done for an unrelated issue). Now that I’m unemployed for a second time, I’m not quite as depressed, but some days are a struggle. If it were nicer outside, I could work in my garden or with the landscape, so I’m limited to the house. It’s kept clean and in order this time around. 

When he gets home, I’m usually excited. Also, I’m looking forward to sex. I’m a highly sexual being. I need it like I need water, food, and air. A vibrator only does so much good. Him on the other hand, well, he never wants it. The chances of him maintaing an erection thru intercourse is slim to none. I would say we accomplish the deed 40% of the time. We have sex twice a month if I’m lucky. He swears he’s still attracted to me, but asked me to lose weight. But then says he understands looks fade and we can’t always be perfect. Seriously? So if my face was severely burned, but I wasn’t as fat, he’d have sex with me? I honestly claim bull****. I’m not grotesque. My size is a solid 14 (5’5 tall, have gone between a size 6-12 thru our relationship) and I carry it in my hips and ass. I still get hit on when I go out with my girlfriends. It can’t be my appearance. He’s put on some weight, but not like I have. Maybe I should chalk it up to stress. Maybe because he never see’s me. Maybe he’s gay. I don’t know and it’s killing me. It’s killing us. If he came home wanting me, I honestly believe we would be in a much better place. Instead I beg and plead. I don’t nag and I don’t overload him with crap when he gets home. If it’s early, I’ll have dinner ready. If not, well, I greet him with a hug and kiss. I just don’t know what to do. 

Outside of completely changing myself physically, which I believe is wrong, I’m lost. If he quits his job, leaves his field, we will be miserable, even though he will be home. If he sucks up the BS a bit longer, finishes his degree, and we move to our ideal area, we can start over. But for the moment, I believe he needs to tough it out here. He’s done this for 6 years. What’s another at this point? I can work anywhere. I don’t have a degree. If needed, I could get something in the retail world to pay my costs. I’d need to quit working for a few years to finish my degree and take out massive loans. I’ve so far paid off classes as I’ve completed them. It’s worked for me. I don’t want to be $50k in debt and then pray I find something to cover the loans. My spouse has the GI bill on his side. 

When I think of our marriage, I don’t feel much. I think he feels the same. People tell us we need to get away, take a trip, go explore something together and find our spark again. Honestly, I would LOVE too. But he’s the breadwinner (we don’t share) and would have to plan something. Every time I bring it up, he brushes it off or has some excuse. It angers me. We CAN afford it. I’m real good a planning low key events that aren’t in our general area (I would rather stay home than waste money traveling anywhere in the Midwest). I’ve planned a week long hiking adventure in Utah. The last one I planned turned out amazing. So did the one before that. They’re all cheap and fun. He swears he’s all for that sort of thing too, but won’t participate past acknowledging it. We both desperately need to recharge and get away. Once again, my hands are tied. Every time I try to make things better, it goes on deaf ears or blind eyes. 

This does nothing for my depression. I’m currently medicated. Don’t think I would need it if I could find some happiness in our marriage instead of this despair and loneliness. Is it too much to ask for a responsive partner, physically and mentally? It’s two days a week I ask for. That’s all. Now that the weather is getting nicer, he spends most of the weekend on his motorcycle. There’s absolutely not a chance of me ever participating with him and that hobby. My father was in a body cast because of one and I’m terrified of it. He’s been riding less than a year. While I’m fine with him riding bikes, it would be nice to spend time together. Even if we were just intimate for 20 minutes, I’d be thrilled. That’s not too much to ask, is it? 

Before I forget, we don’t have children. We would like to try when our lives are settled and he’s home more. I’ve settled for the four legged kind and am quite content. My animals keep me company.

Thanks in advance for reading my novel.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Just curious, have you tried going with him on one of his business trips? Have you tried or brought up marriage counseling yet? I imagine he's a bit overwhelmed with the work load if he's really as rare as you say. That's a lot of extra pressure he's carrying around. Sounds like things aren't gonna get any easier till he can finish this degree, then you have at least some choices. Don't give up, be patient, and LISTEN to each other, your telling each other what you need, now you both need to act on those requests.


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## desertdog (Apr 22, 2013)

Most of his trips are in areas we hate. I have been on a many in the past though. I was actually going to go with him on his current trip (Asia), but was worried about money. It's not a good time for me to be too much out of pocket. 

We have talked about marriage counseling. He has access to an EAP thru work, so free therapy. That problem is him actually scheduling it. I can't access the EAP without him. Otherwise we're looking at paying $150 per session out of pocket.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

I'm sorry but you should never be putting a price on your marriage. 150.00 is nothing, either is a few extra bucks to go to Asia. You might struggle a little bit now, but think about a year from now, after a divorce and the regret about what you could have done for a few bucks now. It might just show him that your willing and able to give him the support he's looking for. Also allows you to reconnect with your marriage, maybe help him with the stress he's dealing with and obvious alone time while he's gone.


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## desertdog (Apr 22, 2013)

It's his decision. I literally cannot spend that kind of money at the moment. We don't share money. I've requested therapy. He has to be the one that acts on it. The Asia trip was set in stone literally a week before I was laid off, so I'm glad I never booked anything. I'd be in a heap of trouble if I did that.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Ouch, that def. puts more of a strain on things then. Is he not willing to spend the few bucks anyways to bring you along then? Is money that tight for him?


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## The Seahorse Guy (Apr 17, 2013)

Firstly: My advice is worth every cent you pay. 

Paragraph 1: Hi. 

Paragraph 2. Holy smokes! The guy is overworked! Give the guy some space. Maybe he needs time to clear his head of all the crap that's been going on all day/week/month. Some people need this time to process, check and file things in their brain.....especially if he's leaning toward the introverted type. So give the guy space. Be supportive but give him space.

Paragraph 3. Really? Moving will make things better? Really? :rofl: If there are problems already; are those problems going to go away? He'll get more money so you'll feel better initially but your costs of living will probably rise too. 

Paragraph 4. Get out and do something! Volunteer, help out in a school, join a community group. Look at Meetup.com or something similar. Don't wait for H to provide some interest in your life. Become interesting yourself.

Paragraph 5. Good to see you taking things into your own hands....so to speak.  Do you let him watch? (Don't answer that.)
Again, give the guy some space. Sometimes I come home from just a few days away and my W just smothers me with chatter and (sometimes) affection. It simply gets too much for me. And then she gets pissed off when I don't respond the way she's played out in her mind. 
Yes, acknowledge me, yes be attentive and mildly affectionate but give me a little space. Be like the horse whisperer. Don't try to break me in...I will come to you when I am ready and I will stay by your side.

Paragraph 6: OK, smart choices in there.

Paragraph 7: Good. Do stuff. The guy's got enough on his plate with work and study. Just organise it. Check in from time to time. Get to the point...no blah! blah! blah!. (And girls, when you talk please make sure there IS a point.)

Paragraph 8: Stop making excuses. I think the guy goes out riding because.....HE NEEDS SOME SPACE.

Paragraph 9; Kids complicate things. I love mine and wouldn't be without them. Up to you, but maybe not yet. What's the rush anyhow?

Paragraph 10: You're most welcome.

BTW, somewhere in there you said you had the high maintenance house and acreage. Why? Is there someone(s) you need to impress? Got something to prove? You're young. (When you move) go live where young people live. Have a bit of fun.


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## desertdog (Apr 22, 2013)

Thumper said:


> Ouch, that def. puts more of a strain on things then. Is he not willing to spend the few bucks anyways to bring you along then? Is money that tight for him?


I believe it's not forefront on his mind. He says he agrees and wants to attend, but has not acted on it at all. If I bring it up, it usually ends up in a fight. I'm not attacking, but hell, we've talked about therapy a dozen times.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

well then I have to agree with seahorse, your gonna have to be patient with him and let him get thru some of these work issues. Hope for the best. Listening is your ally now. Don't try to solve what he's saying, just let him vent.


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## desertdog (Apr 22, 2013)

The Seahorse Guy said:


> Firstly: My advice is worth every cent you pay.
> 
> Paragraph 1: Hi.
> 
> ...


3: We would move for a different job. One where he came home every night and didn't travel as much. Hence, we would actually have a life together. Distance has not been kind to our relationship. We also live in a high COL area in the Midwest. The places we've scooped out are much more affordable. 

4: I have hobbies and friends, as well as family who I see weekly. I've never relied on my husband for entertainment and I'm the least leechy person I know. I'd like to spend some time with him when he's home, which is usually 4-6 DAYS per MONTH. 

5. I'm not a chatty person nor a smothering person. Even though I would enjoy having a conversation with my spouse, I realize I cannot. Having physical affection also seems to be something of the past. 

8. Space from who? Me? I've seen him 4 days in the month of April. He won't be home till May. And it's not like we talk much during the week. It's impossible right now. There's a 14 hour time difference. 

9. I want to be done with kids before I'm 30. I've got a couple years. I also want to have them while my husband is young enough to enjoy them as well. My father had me rather old and wasn't very involved. But he needs a new job first. 

As for the property, I ADORE it. I love being outside. I'm an avid gardener. I grow all my own veggies and have an orchard with 15 fruit trees. Eventually I'll add chickens. He doesn't do anything to it, except for tree removal on occasion. In fact, he has his own wood shop and tractor shed he tinkers in. It's my little slice of heaven. I'll never live in an apartment or cookie cutter, urban sprawl house again. Been there, done that, hated every minute of it. I'm also not someone who enjoys the "young" people scene. Screw that.


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## desertdog (Apr 22, 2013)

Thumper said:


> well then I have to agree with seahorse, your gonna have to be patient with him and let him get thru some of these work issues. Hope for the best. Listening is your ally now. Don't try to solve what he's saying, just let him vent.


Yea. Work shouldn't consume anyone though. He's stated he placed his career over our marriage, which is clear. I'm not upset about it. I knew getting into this relationship he would be busy and gone often. What I didn't know is how bad it would get.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

1 - sell some land if you have acreage. you need cash now.

2 - I find it hard to believe a spouse can't access help through the other spouse's health care. If you have a card, call the number and ask what mental health benefits there are.

3 - can't call because of a 14 hour difference. I call BS on that. That sounds more like an excuse.

4 - If everyone wants to move west, suck it up for a while longer. #1-3 above will tide you over. When it gets time to think about moving, set some guidelines... a job with less travel and OT, a community where you can work, things to do if you can't work.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

If you have not, read His Needs Her Needs and the Five Languages of Love.

Good luck


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## SolidSnake (Dec 6, 2011)

Rough situation. I'm unemployed too. 

I hope things improve for you once he finishes his degree. 

I am confused as to why you think it is wrong for you to loose weight. Someone else suggested _His Needs, Her Needs_/the marriage builders program. I highly recommend that. 

According to the book, having an attractive spouse is a top emotional need for some people, men more than women. He might be one of them. Working out also releases endorphins which could help your depression. If you loose weight and still have intimacy issues, then at least you will know that isn't the problem. But the benefits to your health are a major plus.


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## desertdog (Apr 22, 2013)

Chris Taylor said:


> 1 - sell some land if you have acreage. you need cash now.
> 
> 2 - I find it hard to believe a spouse can't access help through the other spouse's health care. If you have a card, call the number and ask what mental health benefits there are.
> 
> ...



1: Absolutely not. We have three acres. It's not farmable land. Besides, I don't need money. I'm fine for the moment. He has plenty.

2: The EAP (Employee Assistance Program) isn't your typical health care. He's the employee. He has to access it. I can't do it for him. It's how is company has the EAP set up. As for our health insurance (United), it sucks and we don't have access to reasonable therapy. I refuse to pay $150 a session when we can get it free thru the EAP. He has agreed to this. 

3: I'm sleeping when he's awake and vis versa. We FB message each other. It sucks, but it's something. 

4: We're waiting. It's been a long wait so far, so what's a few more years. There will be SO much more for us to do in one of the areas we've looked at.


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## desertdog (Apr 22, 2013)

tryingtobebetter said:


> If you have not, read His Needs Her Needs and the Five Languages of Love.
> 
> Good luck


I will look them up. Thanks!


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## desertdog (Apr 22, 2013)

SolidSnake said:


> Rough situation. I'm unemployed too.
> 
> I hope things improve for you once he finishes his degree.
> 
> ...



Well, I'm quite happy with myself. I've always been a bit heavier. I'm 20 lbs heavier than when we met and you can't see it in my face or torso. He's gained weight and never once have I questioned how attractive he is. 

I hate the gym. They're all awful places IMHO, but I do walk and spend a lot of time outside. I also have a horse, so I do alot of barn chores. Trust me, endorphins are getting released when I'm out there. 

I'm not saying this to be a witch, but it seems like women are constantly put down about their weight in regards to marriage. What about their husbands? We don't find beer bellies attractive, but most of the time we don't say anything. If he lost weight for me, I'm consider losing it for him. But it won't stay off. I have to lose it for me, when I'm ready. It doesn't work long term if I don't. When I dropped down to a size 6 in 2010, it was awful. I was starving and stark raving mad because of it. When I wasn't at work, I was at the gym for 2-3 hours every night and eating like a freaking mouse. And this is working with a doctor and a trainer! I was miserable. My "happy" weight is a size 12. It's the only size I can comfortably maintain. 

So, if my spouse can't handle that notion, I guess we have a bigger problem than I originally thought.


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