# What's normal with stepkids?



## northernlights

DH and I have been married for 2 years, together for 5. His kids were 15 and 18 when we met. We didn't marry or move in together until his youngests graduated high school. So, I think it's normal that the kids and I aren't super close. But, they barely even say hi to me if I'm around. They'll come by the house and run in and out to get something and only yell hi if their dad is here. And if he is here, they'll say "hi/bye dad," and I'll say hi/bye, but it's always them addressing only him, even if I'm right there. DH won't talk with them and say that it's important for them to acknowledge me. So, I pretty much just ignore it. But that's not working for me, because now I'm finding them to be rude kids that I don't really like! 
Is this one of those moments where I just have to keep being the adult and keep on greeting them warmly until they finally start being polite?


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## Openminded

I think the answers are in your other thread. Your husband doesn’t support you in this.


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## northernlights

Openminded, you found me! 😊😊
You know I'm going to keep shopping for the spin I can adopt to keep my optimism going tho! I just really want this to work. But even though I repeatedly ignore your advice, I do think you're 100% right, and I also appreciate that you're such a kind person. So, thanks for not giving up on me.


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## lifeistooshort

Hey lights! 

So I have a bit of experience with this. My ex's daughter was 16 when we met and we were together for 13 years. Not only did she rarely acknowledge me and seldom spoke to me, she'd send Christmas cards to him. Only to him, but from her and her hb, so it wasn't strictly a father/daughter thing.

She did invite me to big events where there were gifts to be given and she'd look like an asshole if she didn't invite me.

I pretty much ignored her. The problem for me came because my ex was very invested in phony images but was afraid to say something to her for fear that he'd see her less. So he started on me to basically kiss her ass and even accused me of hating her. When I'd point out that she ignored me, invited HIM to events with her and her hb, and send holiday cards to HIM he'd admit it was ****ty but still expected me to kiss her ass.

I refused, and it's one reason we're divorced. And I didn't especially like her either.. I found her to be a rude, phony, spoiled bible thumper who didn't behave in a very Christian manner.

So let he ask you this...is your hb ok with you ignoring them and going about your business? If so then that may be your best option.


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## Openminded

northernlights said:


> Openminded, you found me! 😊😊
> You know I'm going to keep shopping for the spin I can adopt to keep my optimism going tho! I just really want this to work. But even though I repeatedly ignore your advice, I do think you're 100% right, and I also appreciate that you're such a kind person. So, thanks for not giving up on me.


😉

You’re a good person and I think you deserve someone better.


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## LisaDiane

Ok, because I have so much trust and respect for @Openminded, I am going to second anything she has already told you as almost certainly the best advice you are going to get for your situation.

However, I want to add, until you decide what you are going to do, I just wouldn't give much emotional energy to how his kids treated me, if I were you. You DO need to be the grownup, and ignore it. Let them be bratty kids, and don't take it personally. 
I wouldn't say anything to them, unless they say something first. I would concentrate on staying out of their way and keeping myself busy when they were around (not with any attitude, just out of respect for their relationship with their dad), and smile at them if they looked at me, and leave it at that unless THEY said "hi" to me. Then I would be very friendly and gracious and say it back, and mean it.

You are the ADULT. So you need to be mature and not let young adults disrupt your emotions like you are. SHOULD they act better? Yes, of course. But the truth is, you can't control anyone but yourself, and making their poor behavior into an issue for you will be creating drama that YOU don't need to deal with.

So let them be how they want to be, and you be BETTER.


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## Openminded

LisaDiane said:


> Ok, because I have so much trust and respect for @Openminded, I am going to second anything she has already told you as almost certainly the best advice you are going to get for your situation.
> 
> However, I want to add, until you decide what you are going to do, I just wouldn't give much emotional energy to how his kids treated me, if I were you. You DO need to be the grownup, and ignore it. Let them be bratty kids, and don't take it personally.
> I wouldn't say anything to them, unless they say something first. I would concentrate on staying out of their way and keeping myself busy when they were around (not with any attitude, just out of respect for their relationship with their dad), and smile at them if they looked at me, and leave it at that unless THEY said "hi" to me. Then I would be very friendly and gracious and say it back, and mean it.
> 
> You are the ADULT. So you need to be mature and not let young adults disrupt your emotions like you are. SHOULD they act better? Yes, of course. But the truth is, you can't control anyone but yourself, and making their poor behavior into an issue for you will be creating drama that YOU don't need to deal with.
> 
> So let them be how they want to be, and you be BETTER.


That was very sweet of you to say, LD. ❤ I wish I were more like you (my advice would be a lot more empathetic if I were).

NL, do you feel that his children didn’t want him to marry you specifically or they didn’t want him to marry anyone at all?


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## Trident

I'm not seeing an issue here, only if you make it into one.

Just ignore them as they do you.

Why waste mental energy over two perfect strangers?

Disclaimer- my girlfriend of 9 years has an 18 year old son who I don't get along with very well. We tolerate one another. That's as far as it goes. I find it much easier to simply avoid contact with him then pretend we all get along.


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## Openminded

Trident said:


> I'm not seeing an issue here, only if you make it into one.
> 
> Just ignore them as they do you.
> 
> Why waste mental energy over two perfect strangers?
> 
> Disclaimer- my girlfriend of 9 years has an 18 year old son who I don't get along with very well. We tolerate one another. That's as far as it goes. I find it much easier to simply avoid contact with him then pretend we all get along.


Didn’t the two of you break up because of a physical fight with her son or am I confusing you with another poster (I read too many threads)?


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## Galabar01

Was he divorced when you met him?


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## EleGirl

northernlights said:


> DH and I have been married for 2 years, together for 5. His kids were 15 and 18 when we met. We didn't marry or move in together until his youngests graduated high school. So, I think it's normal that the kids and I aren't super close. But, they barely even say hi to me if I'm around. They'll come by the house and run in and out to get something and only yell hi if their dad is here. And if he is here, they'll say "hi/bye dad," and I'll say hi/bye, but it's always them addressing only him, even if I'm right there. DH won't talk with them and say that it's important for them to acknowledge me. So, I pretty much just ignore it. But that's not working for me, because now I'm finding them to be rude kids that I don't really like!
> Is this one of those moments where I just have to keep being the adult and keep on greeting them warmly until they finally start being polite?


His kids seem to come and go from your home as they please. Is this the house they grew up in? Or is it one you and your husband moved into together? The reason I'm asking is that they don't seem to realize that it's as much your home and it is their father's home.

Do his kids ever disturb and/or take things that are yours? Besides not acknowledging that you exist, do they do other rude things directed at you?


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## Livvie

Is it your house from before the marriage?


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## frusdil

I am always amazed at parents who allow their kids (regardless of age) to be openly rude and disrespectful to a step parent. Would they allow them to be that way with a teacher? Boss? Complete stranger? No. They wouldn't.

Your husband needs to step up and INSIST that his kids don't come and go at random, getting things from your home. They are to treat you with respect, and at the very least say hello and goodbye. They don't have to be buddy buddy with you, but they do have to treat you with respect.

Is their mother still in the picture?


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## frusdil

Also to add, I don't think it matters whether its a house you and your husband bought together or it's your home from before the marriage, or the one they grew up in. It's your home and your husbands home. If they won't treat you with the very minimum of respect and decency then they let one of you know they are coming over, and knock and wait to be let in.

If you were all close and got along well, coming and going at random would be fine, but in this case, no way.


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## EleGirl

frusdil said:


> Also to add, I don't think it matters whether its a house you and your husband bought together or it's your home from before the marriage, or the one they grew up in. It's your home and your husbands home. If they won't treat you with the very minimum of respect and decency then they let one of you know they are coming over, and knock and wait to be let in.
> 
> If you were all close and got along well, coming and going at random would be fine, but in this case, no way.


I agree that the child should treat her with respect regardless. I asked the question to try to figure out what's going on in the kids' heads. It makes a difference in how she can deal with them.


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## frusdil

I should also add, that if that were my stepdaughter (I have one) I would absolutely not stand for that level of disrespect in my own home. She would be expected to at least acknowledge me or not come in. I would expect the same of my bio if my husband were their stepparent.

If my husband didn't stand up for me, you bet your arse I'd stand up for myself.


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## MarmiteC

In my personal experience (although the child was much younger) growing up and being the adult didn't work. Yes, I did those things, I ignored it, I entertained myself while the child was there. But that then also reduced the quality time with my husband and ended up causing a bit of a wedge between us.
On top of that, having someone constantly enter your physical space whom you are only tolerating is exhausting. I'm sure some people will jump on me here for this, but I struggled with my stepson's behaviour to the point I was on edge when I knew it was his nights with us. I'd work late, go to see friends, do whatever I could to avoid being in his presence. I truly felt like the 'wicked stepmother'. Well, that's real, not just some fairy tale story.
I am not a wicked person, as I'm sure you are not too, but the relationship between step parent is different if the bond has not been built (and this is the key part). You have the ability to fall in and out of love with that child the same as any other person in life, the unconditional love isn't there to help you put up with that crap. So if it was a partner, friend or whatever causing causing you to feel like this, you'd exit the relationship. But you can't in this scenario. You have to endure it.

I believe it can be overcome if you have the understanding and support from your partner, but if you don't, as in my case, the situation does not ease. Ask for the support you need and if he can't give it, only you can decide what that means for you.


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## Trident

Openminded said:


> Didn’t the two of you break up because of a physical fight with her son or am I confusing you with another poster (I read too many threads)?


After the physical altercation with her son, I moved out, and have since purchased a separate residence. We broke up and reconciled a half dozen times. Things have been fairly stable for the past 2 months and we're doing ok,


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## Openminded

Trident said:


> After the physical altercation with her son, I moved out, and have since purchased a separate residence. We broke up and reconciled a half dozen times. Things have been fairly stable for the past 2 months and we're doing ok,


👍


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## northernlights

Quick answers: DH was never married to their mom, but they did break up a few years before DH and I met. According to DH, he did have a crush on me for a few years before we met, but I don't think his kids are aware, and the crush was not something that broke up the relationship. We never even spoke, I guess he just thought I was cute when he saw me at school pickup and whatnot. This is DH's first marriage. I wouldn't blame the kids at all for struggling with the idea that their dad married me but not their mom. They know she wanted to be married but he did not. Ouch.

It's my house, and it's a really nice house. I'm not saying that to brag or anything, but I think the kids are very aware that their parents don't have much but I, and my kids' father, have much more. So there's an element of defensiveness that I think comes in again towards their mom. Now dad is married to some "rich" woman (in quotes because I'm not, but their mom is on welfare and I'm, I don't know, above average income and net worth). And their mom is still poor and alone. 

So, that's probably some very necessary background. It leads to other problematic dynamics... Like, I pay for my stepsons car insurance and registration, because it's no big deal. But now I don't want to, because I'm feeling used, but if I stop I'll feel petty. 

I could be happy with distant but polite. Ignored, is just rude and unnecessary at their ages. They're polite in front of DH so he's not too aware of the extent of it. I did tell him yesterday that it wasn't ok for a strange pickup truck to pull up, then for someone to walk into the house without saying anything, get something, then leave. I have 2 teenage daughters. I don't know who it was, but that's not safe for them either....


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## northernlights

MarmiteC said:


> On top of that, having someone constantly enter your physical space whom you are only tolerating is exhausting. I'm sure some people will jump on me here for this, but I struggled with my stepson's behaviour to the point I was on edge when I knew it was his nights with us. I'd work late, go to see friends, do whatever I could to avoid being in his presence. I truly felt like the 'wicked stepmother'.
> 
> I believe it can be overcome if you have the understanding and support from your partner, but if you don't, as in my case, the situation does not ease. Ask for the support you need and if he can't give it, only you can decide what that means for you.


Yes, this. Step son's girlfriend lived here half the week this summer, and I hated it. She's not going to live here again, but it didn't help any of our relationships. Long story. But she was more of the same, step son and I actually started to have a good conversation about the dynamic, until he told me that the problem really is that we're not blending as a family because we're too different -- he and his family/friends "go at things harder" than I and my clan do. !!! 
Ballsy words for the kid living in my house. My million dollar oceanfront house. With his girlfriend. No chores, no rent. And just, something I haven't been able to come back from...


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## MarmiteC

northernlights said:


> Yes, this. Step son's girlfriend lived here half the week this summer, and I hated it. She's not going to live here again, but it didn't help any of our relationships. Long story. But she was more of the same, step son and I actually started to have a good conversation about the dynamic, until he told me that the problem really is that we're not blending as a family because we're too different -- he and his family/friends "go at things harder" than I and my clan do. !!!
> Ballsy words for the kid living in my house. My million dollar oceanfront house. With his girlfriend. No chores, no rent. And just, something I haven't been able to come back from...


You do not have to put up with this. At all. 

I think you mentioned that outside of this, there's some really great times with your husband. Does that make him a life partner, or does that make him a cool friend to hang out with? And what are you willing to accept for your relationship?

If it was me, I'd probably sit them them down and tell them to 'go harder' at finding somewhere else to live as they are no longer welcome in my house. But that's now. The great people of TAM have helped me understand I have people pleasing tendencies and that it's ok to say "I'm not ok with this."


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## northernlights

MarmiteC said:


> If it was me, I'd probably sit them them down and tell them to 'go harder' at finding somewhere else to live as they are no longer welcome in my house. But that's now. The great people of TAM have helped me understand I have people pleasing tendencies and that it's ok to say "I'm not ok with this."


Yes, this is what I love about TAM. You've nailed it. I do want to kick them all out (sometimes! Sometimes I just adore DH. He can be as great as he is infuriating). But I'm not doing my best me if I can't have clear conversations with these people. 

I do need to pick up that conversation with step son again one day, if we're ever going to have a real relationship. Ugh. Awkward.


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## MarmiteC

northernlights said:


> Yes, this is what I love about TAM. You've nailed it. I do want to kick them all out (sometimes! Sometimes I just adore DH. He can be as great as he is infuriating). But I'm not doing my best me if I can't have clear conversations with these people.
> 
> I do need to pick up that conversation with step son again one day, if we're ever going to have a real relationship. Ugh. Awkward.


I noticed you said 'one day'. Why is today not that day? It's an issue now?
I'm not trying to be provocative there, but the longer you leave it the worse it can fester.


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## northernlights

Ignoring things and hoping they go away is always my number one strategy!!


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## Rob_1

MarmiteC said:


> If it was me, I'd probably sit them them down and tell them to 'go harder' at finding somewhere else to live as they are no longer welcome in my house. But that's now. The great people of TAM have helped me understand I have people pleasing tendencies and that it's ok to say "I'm not ok with this."





northernlights said:


> Yes, this is what I love about TAM. You've nailed it. I do want to kick them all out (sometimes! Sometimes I just adore DH. He can be as great as he is infuriating). But I'm not doing my best me if I can't have clear conversations with these people.


Unless this is "your" house (as in you own it), because your are saying "MY multimillion dollars house" and your husband has not saying about it, then NOT, you just can't kick him out and his kids. If (I haven't check in your posts) your husband also owns this house, then he has as much saying as you do. You would not be able to arbitrarily do so. 

Regardless, I always have my suspicions when I hear venting step-mothers, because normally there's more to the story, and in many instances it ends up being the "wicked step-mother" selfishness at play. And let's not forget that the "wicked step-mother" children can't do not wrong and have every right to visit and/or stay in the marital home.


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## northernlights

Tell me you hate women without telling me you hate women. 

Lol, couldn't resist. Yes, it's my house.


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## Rob_1

northernlights said:


> Tell me you hate women without telling me you hate women.
> 
> Lol, couldn't resist. Yes, it's my house.


Then you can tell him to go, but he has an specified amount of time by law. and no, I don't hate women, whatever gave you that impression? was it because, my post did not sway on your favor, or because I used the common used perception of the "wicked step-mother" as an example of what happens in many instances? if you've been here as long as you been here and read the post of men that seriously have problems with their new wife and their behavior towards his children from the previous relationship you would understand what I'm talking about.

I have been with my wife for about 30 years, and no problems. My previous wife, is like my best friend, I am loved by my mother and sisters, so no, I don't nor have any reasons to hate women. I do like to point out the things I see that seems off-hand in relationships, specially since we are reading just one point of view. I wonder what would your husband point of view would be if he were to be able to post on your thread, about what you think of his children.


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## northernlights

The trope of the wicked stepmother is immensely harmful, and immensely anti-woman.

"Experts say a stepmom is often the most powerless and vulnerable member of a blended family. Her fear of being branded “wicked” leads her to take a backseat role in parenting, striving to act as a friend and shower her stepchildren with endless love and generosity rather than establish herself as a respected authority figure. She also often makes excessive efforts to appear perfect in her new role. This often leads to her staying quiet as she’s subject to hostility, isolation, verbal and even physical abuse in her own home."

And 

"Stepmothers are actually prone to “significantly greater anxiety and depression than biological mothers,” according to a study by Lisa Doodson, a psychologist who teaches at Thames Valley University. Divorce rates in remarriages is also higher than average, clocking in at 67 per cent for second marriages and 73 per cent for third marriages. This is, in part, attributed to the challenges and tensions of stepparent relationships."

You can read the whole article here:


Redirect Notice


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## Rob_1

Regardless of a lot of women being used by men as the new mommy/maid, it is not a trope when it comes to some women behavior towards their husband's children specially if they have their own children. Stereotypes, exist for a reason: THERE ARE wicked step-mothers in this world, and that's why the stereotype. I don't see you defending the men that gets railroaded by this type of women. As always, is only women the ones that suffers all kinds of indignities, while the big bad wolf-men terrorize them.


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## Trident

northernlights said:


> Ignoring things and hoping they go away is always my number one strategy!!


How has that been working for you?


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## lifeistooshort

I'm trying to imagine the response if a guy was here claiming his new wife moved into his waterfront million dollar home and her snot nose kids came and went as they pleased, had gf's/bf's staying there, and ignored him. Pretty sure he'd be told that he should man up and not accept their rudeness after all he provided and if gold digger wife wouldn't speak to them he should reconsider the marriage.

OP, I sense a bit of resentment and entitlement going on here. You have things they don't and thus are inferior because you just don't understand their struggles, and as a result they're entitled to treat you like crap while taking advantage of what you offer.

I don't know what to say if your hb won't address it. I left my ex in part because he let his snotty grown daughter treat me like crap (we had other issues too).

Let me ask you this: assuming this dynamic remains as the years go by will you want to stay with him? I hope it passes but my ex's daughter was almost 30 when I left and was still treating me like crap.

I agree with the harmful nature of the wicked stepmother thing. Particularly because it's not like you moved in with THEM, disrupted their lives, and treated them poorly. These people moved in with you and benefit from what you offer.


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## Openminded

I agree. I can see where they might resent that you are so much better off financially than they are. Maybe they feel that their father married you instead of their mom for that reason.


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## Diana7

northernlights said:


> Quick answers: DH was never married to their mom, but they did break up a few years before DH and I met. According to DH, he did have a crush on me for a few years before we met, but I don't think his kids are aware, and the crush was not something that broke up the relationship. We never even spoke, I guess he just thought I was cute when he saw me at school pickup and whatnot. This is DH's first marriage. I wouldn't blame the kids at all for struggling with the idea that their dad married me but not their mom. They know she wanted to be married but he did not. Ouch.
> 
> It's my house, and it's a really nice house. I'm not saying that to brag or anything, but I think the kids are very aware that their parents don't have much but I, and my kids' father, have much more. So there's an element of defensiveness that I think comes in again towards their mom. Now dad is married to some "rich" woman (in quotes because I'm not, but their mom is on welfare and I'm, I don't know, above average income and net worth). And their mom is still poor and alone.
> 
> So, that's probably some very necessary background. It leads to other problematic dynamics... Like, I pay for my stepsons car insurance and registration, because it's no big deal. But now I don't want to, because I'm feeling used, but if I stop I'll feel petty.
> 
> I could be happy with distant but polite. Ignored, is just rude and unnecessary at their ages. They're polite in front of DH so he's not too aware of the extent of it. I did tell him yesterday that it wasn't ok for a strange pickup truck to pull up, then for someone to walk into the house without saying anything, get something, then leave. I have 2 teenage daughters. I don't know who it was, but that's not safe for them either....


How do they get in. Do they have a key?


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## northernlights

Diana7 said:


> How do they get in. Do they have a key?


The doors are never locked. They're not even closed half the time. 😬😬 

I don't even have keys!!


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## Diana7

northernlights said:


> The doors are never locked. They're not even closed half the time. 😬😬
> 
> I don't even have keys!!


Oh ok. That does create an issue that he thinks he can just walk in.


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## northernlights

Openminded said:


> I agree. I can see where they might resent that you are so much better off financially than they are. Maybe they feel that their father married you instead of their mom for that reason.


There's also been a big shift in the way I've approached sharing. At first, I felt 100% that's what's mine is theirs. But then, they didn't want me and my girls in their space (their house, before DH sold it and moved in with me). So I've pulled back--no, you can't borrow my car or use my boat whenever you want. Yes you can have friends sleep over, but we all have to follow basic rules, like no boyfriends and girlfriends sleeping in your bed with you in high school, and heads up for anyone staying 2+ nights. I felt really ... Really like they were holding a space for their family while demanding full reign in my space. I don't do two sets of rules. So I pulled back on my approach to mirror theirs, so I wouldn't feel used. But then, from their perspective, I think that looked cold or confusing. But trying to explain that their dad and I were still finding our footing in blending our lives only seemed to make it worse. But they're kids and I understand that they didn't see it. 

Also, I don't know what they know. I don't know if they know I paid off their mortgage so the house didn't get foreclosed on. Looking back, they should have, but at the time I thought, no way should they worry about adult things.


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## Diana7

Must admit I am very grateful that one of my stepsons lives in Oz. The other has fairly recently been diagnosed with autism in his 30's and more or less lives like a recluse and has very little contact with most of his family by his own choice. 
They are both very difficult, rude and very selfish.


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## Rob_1

lifeistooshort said:


> I agree with the harmful nature of the wicked stepmother thing. Particularly because it's not like you moved in with THEM, disrupted their lives, and treated them poorly. These people moved in with you and benefit from what you offer.





Rob_1 said:


> *Regardless, I always have my suspicions when I hear venting step-mothers, because normally there's more to the story, and in many instances it ends up being the "wicked step-mother" selfishness at play. And let's not forget that the "wicked step-mother" children can't do not wrong and have every right to visit and/or stay in the marital home.*


That's the thing. I never called her a "wicked step-mother" Read my statement above. I was originally just making a statement about what we see in many cases when some women are venting about step-children, because reading between the lines I could detect some sort of entitlement. I clearly understand for any one, male/female to be sided by one's partner children. It is nor only rude and disrespectful, but it also creates tension between the partners, but these are the things that should have been discussed before getting married and living together with the understanding that there are young adults coming into the relationship. Young adults that don't have any emotional ties to the partner of their parent, and are even more difficult to handle, since there is no connection. A whole lot of today's kids in this society are self entitled and have not sense of courtesy and behavior even if they were raised with good manners. Nonetheless, these are things that needs to be completely in the open and agreed upon on terms from the beginning. If anyone keeps these things bottled up and do not make a clear communication with the partner them, is nobody's fault but their own, because no one can read minds.

In the OP case I'm not sure if she already sat down with the husband and communicated to him her concerns. She only said that her husband won't tell his kids to acknowledge her. If she did talk to the husband and the husband is not doing anything about it, then she needs to be clear with him what she expects of him as a partner and as a man. She needs to make clear to him that his refusal/avoidance of the situation will ultimately make her lose her respect for him and create resentment that eventually the most likely outcome would be she not longer wanting to be with him, and/or outright telling him is over, because that's one of the most common outcomes in these type of situation. 

The wicked stepmother thing just got out of hand in the to and fro, but that was not my original intention.


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## Deejo

I remember thinking that being 'agreeable' and avoiding conflict was the way to win hearts and minds.

I have not thought that way for over 15 years. And trust me, it will serve you much, much, better. Now I delight in flipping the script on those who count on the 'good nature' of others, when exhibiting bad behavior themselves.

I think its important that you recognize you hold quite literally, all of the cards in this equation.

Discuss with your husband and layout what your ground rules are.

My suggestion would be that you do not insist on respect from his kids, but ... you will ABSOLUTELY NOT tolerate disrespect. From my perspective, they are in that gray space of being full fledged people. If you were going to 'win them over' you already would have. Therefore, the relationship already is what it is.

If they don't like the ground rules? They have choices to make. Welcome to adulting. Husband doesn't like the enforcement of those ground rules? Well ... you should decide if he is subject to them as well.

None of this involves you losing your sh!t and going ham on them. They simply need to respect your boundaries. ANYONE you interact with should respect your boundaries ... or be subject to what happens if they do not.

Yoda said it best. 'Do, or do not. There is no try.'


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## northernlights

Rob, I hear you! There are two sides to every story, and I know you were asking about my role in this. I think the wicked step mother idea does come into play in these relationships, so I think exploring how that stereotype is harmful to people is definitely worth talking about. So I think it's a good angle for all of us to be thinking about, but I don't want you to think that I'm harping on you if the conversation continues in that direction! My comment was also a joke, and I thought about not making it, but how can I let the opportunity to hop on a good meme pass!! 

I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts, I'm sorry I was rude!!


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## Diana7

How about you all sit down together and talk this out. Maybe with a third party to keep things calm.


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## northernlights

Diana7 said:


> How about you all sit down together and talk this out. Maybe with a third party to keep things calm.


That's what we need. We all see the same therapist, and a family session is probably long overdue. Without her there, DH and his kids will definitely gang up on me. We've tried a conversation with just me, him, and them, and it was awful.


----------



## Rob_1

northernlights said:


> That's what we need. We all see the same therapist, and a family session is probably long overdue. Without her there, DH and his kids will definitely gang up on me. We've tried a conversation with just me, him, and them, and it was awful.


I agreed, this should be a must. Just make sure that the therapist you all are using is a family matters therapist that specializes, or that has sufficient experience with second marriage family integration where both spouses are coming in with children into the relationship.


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## Livvie

northernlights said:


> That's what we need. We all see the same therapist, and a family session is probably long overdue. Without her there, DH and his kids will definitely gang up on me. We've tried a conversation with just me, him, and them, and it was awful.


Your husband doesn't sound like a husband I would want to have and it doesn't sound like a happy relationship. I remember your other thread. 

If you think you might someday terminate the relationship, you should probably do it sooner rather than later or you could end up having to give him a large chunk of your assets.


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## Openminded

I think you’re being used.


----------



## lifeistooshort

Rob_1 said:


> That's the thing. I never called her a "wicked step-mother" Read my statement above. I was originally just making a statement about what we see in many cases when some women are venting about step-children, because reading between the lines I could detect some sort of entitlement. I clearly understand for any one, male/female to be sided by one's partner children. It is nor only rude and disrespectful, but it also creates tension between the partners, but these are the things that should have been discussed before getting married and living together with the understanding that there are young adults coming into the relationship. Young adults that don't have any emotional ties to the partner of their parent, and are even more difficult to handle, since there is no connection. A whole lot of today's kids in this society are self entitled and have not sense of courtesy and behavior even if they were raised with good manners. Nonetheless, these are things that needs to be completely in the open and agreed upon on terms from the beginning. If anyone keeps these things bottled up and do not make a clear communication with the partner them, is nobody's fault but their own, because no one can read minds.
> 
> In the OP case I'm not sure if she already sat down with the husband and communicated to him her concerns. She only said that her husband won't tell his kids to acknowledge her. If she did talk to the husband and the husband is not doing anything about it, then she needs to be clear with him what she expects of him as a partner and as a man. She needs to make clear to him that his refusal/avoidance of the situation will ultimately make her lose her respect for him and create resentment that eventually the most likely outcome would be she not longer wanting to be with him, and/or outright telling him is over, because that's one of the most common outcomes in these type of situation.
> 
> The wicked stepmother thing just got out of hand in the to and fro, but that was not my original intention.


I didn't mean to imply you did....I was addressing her point in general.

I agree about entitlement and I think in general it applies when one marries a partner with an established family, moves in, and disrupts the kids lives while copping attitude.


Often tines that's the woman, but in this case it's him. They take advantage of what she offers while treating her like crap.


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## frusdil

northernlights said:


> That's what we need. We all see the same therapist, and a family session is probably long overdue. Without her there, *DH and his kids will definitely gang up on me*. We've tried a conversation with just me, him, and them, and it was awful.


There's your problem right there OP. While your husband allows this to continue, absolutely nothing will change.

I would stop doing anything for those entitled brats. I sure as **** wouldn't be paying their bills. If they can't treat me with the most basic of human decency - saying hello and goodbye, they can whistle for it.


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## karmagoround

northernlights said:


> no, you can't borrow my car or use my boat whenever you want.


And there it is... too much money! Housewives of SLC. Drama for entertainment sake alone! 😸 Kidding! 
Are you sure it's just you they are rude to? Because you mentioned, that even with your husband, it's just going though the motions. Maybe they are like my step kids were, so wrapped up in themselves that they see no one else but themselves. 

I got my step kids, 6 and 10 a few years after their dad abandoned them. 

The 10yo was terrible since the day I met her. Continuously hurtful, drama. Called me the worst of everything through the years, yet lets me raise her kid, now a 15 year old super teen who will genuinely ask how your day was. The 6yo stepson was at first great fun, then terrible, and now with a beautiful family that are fun to visit.

Those step kids of yours sound cold. I have a cold sister like that. Just cynical. I haven't talked to my sister in a while. She was rude to my wife. Anyone that is rude to my wife can remain well outside my social bubble. (Except when it's my step kids, then I'm stuck with decades of...) 

If you are surrounded by cold people, do you think you would be more lonely without them? Perhaps you would find that the loneliness left with them.


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## MarmiteC

Rob_1 said:


> Unless this is "your" house (as in you own it), because your are saying "MY multimillion dollars house" and your husband has not saying about it, then NOT, you just can't kick him out and his kids. If (I haven't check in your posts) your husband also owns this house, then he has as much saying as you do. You would not be able to arbitrarily do so.
> 
> Regardless, I always have my suspicions when I hear venting step-mothers, because normally there's more to the story, and in many instances it ends up being the "wicked step-mother" selfishness at play. And let's not forget that the "wicked step-mother" children can't do not wrong and have every right to visit and/or stay in the marital home.


My suggestion was in jest and the OP understood the meaning behind it. 

The crux of the issue here is about whether the step parent (male or female) feels they get a say in what happens in their environment with all children around, and that the partners are aligned on those topics. When they are not, this can generate the issues faced and a retreating by the step parent. And then my point was, that it's easier for a step parent to retreat since the love is often not conditional if that bond was never built.

In my case, I had no children of my own. My stepson had some challenges as he was born with a chromosomal disorder, I understood these and made allowances for his behavior. I recognised he was a child. But I suggested to my STBXH that he also had ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder.) I encouraged him to talk to my SS's mother about this, so we could check and get a diagnosis, and if required, learn parenting techniques to help with his challenging behavior. He ignored my request, several times. This was one example. I kept saying that if he felt what I was suggesting was wrong, then tell me, let's talk about it, let's get aligned. He didn't do that either. I felt powerless and in an environment I had no influence over and that I was just there to ensure he was fed, clothed, entertained, deal with the problems. Yes, in the end resentment built.




northernlights said:


> That's what we need. We all see the same therapist, and a family session is probably long overdue. Without her there, DH and his kids will definitely gang up on me. We've tried a conversation with just me, him, and them, and it was awful.


This is a good start Northernlights


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## Blondilocks

First things first - get some locks for the doors. Kick the bratty adults out. If husband protests, kick him out. Stop trying to buy love.


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## Livvie

Blondilocks said:


> First things first - get some locks for the doors. Kick the bratty adults out. If husband protests, kick him out. Stop trying to buy love.


This times a million. Lock the doors when you are out and when you are home. That's kind of normal behavior. 

Again, I'd be rethinking the husband as well.


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## northernlights

Where I live, no one locks doors! In the summer, it's common to just leave them open so pets can come and go. We're weird, I know, but that's rural America for you!

I have rethought the whole thing so many times... But relationships are always like this, aren't they? I am operating under the belief that it's always something, no one is perfect, and it's the devil you know or the devil you don't. I have zero faith that a better man is common enough to be found!


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## EleGirl

@northernlights

What have you done to build relationships with his children? Have you invited them over for dinner with you and their dad? It seems that there is no relationship there. This is a 2 way street and to them, you entered their family. I know it's not fair, but you are the adult here.

Also get locks on your doors that they don't have keys for. Tell them that for safety sake they need to knock or ring the door bell. You need to know who is in the house at all times. You say that someone pulled up to the house, ran in, took something and left. Do you even know who that was? Tell them that you think some stranger did that and you are freaked out. (I had that happen to me, someone came into my house and stole some sort-a valuable figurines. All I saw was the door closing behind them and they were gone.) You also should tell them that they cannot take anything from your home without letting you know what they are doing. Now if their father is there and he sees what they are taking, then that's ok. But they should not be coming into your home and taking stuff without clearing it with either you or their father.

I have 2 step children. Their father had 100% custody so they lived with us full time. They could be awful. I finally told them that this is my house. They did not need to love me but they had to treat me with respect. Telling them that seemed to help as their attitudes changed quite a bit.

Your husband is like so many parents, especially men, who don't live with their children whether because of divorce or some other situation. He's afraid to be strict least he loose the little bit of connection he has with them. So you are going to have to be the one who handles this.


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## MarmiteC

EleGirl said:


> @northernlights
> 
> Your husband is like so many parents, especially men, who don't live with their children whether because of divorce or some other situation. He's afraid to be strict least he loose the little bit of connection he has with them.


^^ This


----------



## Livvie

EleGirl said:


> @northernlights
> 
> What have you done to build relationships with his children? Have you invited them over for dinner with you and their dad? It seems that there is no relationship there. This is a 2 way street and to them, you entered their family. I know it's not fair, but you are the adult here.
> 
> Also get locks on your doors that they don't have keys for. Tell them that for safety sake they need to knock or ring the door bell. You need to know who is in the house at all times. You say that someone pulled up to the house, ran in, took something and left. Do you even know who that was? Tell them that you think some stranger did that and you are freaked out. (I had that happen to me, someone came into my house and stole some sort-a valuable figurines. All I saw was the door closing behind them and they were gone.) You also should tell them that the cannot take anything from your home without letting you know what they are doing. Now if their father is there and he sees what they are taking, then that's ok. But they should not be coming into your home and taking stuff without clearing it with either you or their father.
> 
> I have 2 step children. Their father had 100% custody so they lived with us full time. They could be awful. I finally told them that this is my house. They did not need to love me but they had to treat me with respect. Telling them that seemed to help as their attitudes changed quite a bit.
> 
> Your husband is like so many parents, especially men, who don't live with their children whether because of divorce or some other situation. He's afraid to be strict least he loose the little bit of connection he has with them. So you are going to have to be the one who handles this.


These "children" are young adults and one "child" was living with a girlfriend in the master bedroom this summer, if I recall. They don't need to be invited over for dinner. That come in as they please and took over the house, so to speak, this past summer.

OP also has children.


----------



## EleGirl

Livvie said:


> These "children" are young adults and one "child" was living with a girlfriend in the master bedroom this summer, if I recall. They don't need to be invited over for dinner. That come in as they please and took over the house, so to speak, this past summer.
> 
> OP also has children.


Yes they are adults but they are young adults. Clearly they were not taught how to behave. But northernlights can take one of two paths her. She can remain the step-mother standing in the shadows whom they ignore and disrespect or she can be assertive in a good way and take control of her own home a show these young adults how adults should behave. My advice is what I would do. I would not allow this nonsense in my home and I would extend an olive branch and try to build at least a cordial relationship with the young adults. The alternative is this antagonistic nonsense that's going on. If it's not remedied, her marriage will be seriously damaged.


----------



## Rob_1

EleGirl said:


> Your husband is like so many parents, especially men, who don't live with their children whether because of divorce or some other situation. He's afraid to be strict least he loose the little bit of connection he has with them. So you are going to have to be the one who handles this.





Rob_1 said:


> Regardless of a lot of women being used by men as the new mommy/maid,


What @EleGirl is saying is so true. That's why I posted the above on a previous reply. I've seen this played over and over. As a man that consider himself secure and confident enough to not have a qualm about confronting my own children and people in general when there's an issue at hand, it irks me to see men seeking a new partner just because they want/need a woman to take over the responsibility of looking after his children and taking care of him at the same time; while being nothing but pushovers and cowards that don't have the balls to confront the issues that might be present between the wife and children and defers everything to new wife/maid unless they're pushed to the wall with the issue. Even then some of these man are so pathetic that they can't take a stand because they're afraid to rock the boat with the new wife or the children while making everything worse for everyone with their cowardice.


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## lifeistooshort

Rob_1 said:


> What @EleGirl is saying is so true. That's why I posted the above on a previous reply. I've seen this played over and over. As a man that consider himself secure and confident enough to not have a qualm about confronting my own children and people in general when there's an issue at hand, it irks me to see men seeking a new partner just because they want/need a woman to take over the responsibility of looking after his children and taking care of him at the same time; while being nothing but pushovers and cowards that don't have the balls to confront the issues that might be present between the wife and children and defers everything to new wife/maid unless they're pushed to the wall with the issue. Even then some of these man are so pathetic that they can't take a stand because they're afraid to rock the boat with the new wife or the children while making everything worse for everyone with their cowardice.


Yep. Don't forget to add not wanting to rock the boat with the kids mother either.

That's what my ex did and their daughter was grown, and that's ok top of not wanting to upset daughter by addressing her bad behavior lest he see less of her. People like this shouldn't remarry.

IME it's usually the new wife that gets thrown under and then labeled awful.


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## Rob_1

lifeistooshort said:


> IME it's usually the new wife that gets thrown under and then labeled awful.


Normally yes, but let me tell you, there are some of them that really, really deserve the tittle.


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## northernlights

Yeah, what's really frustrating is that all of this could be avoided if DH just said, you don't have to like your step mother, but you do have to follow the house rules we've established and be polite to her. That's so incredibly basic.

But, I think they're all so used to messed up dynamics that they don't even see how far from healthy this is. 

I've calmly explained that I need to know, on a high level, when they're coming and going. The girlfriend and friend didn't comply, and DH understands that they're not welcome for more than short visits any more. Step son has been ousted from the master. So, I think they do think I'm the wicked step mother now.

But, I guess my choices are talk with DH and show him how not presenting a United front is hurting his relationship with his kids, or let the kids drift off and not come here any more. Unless they surprise me and start showing an interest in being here!


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## Sun Catcher

How old are your daughters? I don’t care how far out in the boonies you are but to have an unlocked home with children in it and everybody/anybody coming and going as they please is asking for trouble. The kids your steps are bringing in might come themselves or bring someone else and you will really have something to cry about then. The safety of your children is first and foremost here, as is your own. Don’t scoff at the idea of the steps themselves with or without friends thinking how wonderful life would be without you in it, hence do something about it. Don’t think my idea is far fetched, just read the newspapers. 

Many posters here said to shut and lock the doors and you have scoffed at the idea. I sincerely hope you don’t come to regret that.


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## joannacroc

It was one of the issues that really had an impact on me and XBF. I actually like his kid now more than him. But to his kid, I was a threat, breaking his dynamic duo with dad, my son took some of his dad's attention and it was just a mess. He and I still keep in touch more than I do with my ex. He's not really touchy feely kid (no hugs) so I respected that and didn't try force it but in the end his dad wouldn't reinforce family outings together, or push his son to give me a chance or join in on family activities so that was kind of it. He was a sulky d*^& from the outside, but on the inside he had a lot of pain, hurt and rejection over the years.

XBF saw his son wouldn't look me in the eye, or give me more than absolute minimum cursory politeness and blamed me. In the end it is tough for stepkids. But my thought is that grown kids (adults) are their own people and can make their own decisions about how they treat people. Looking to your partner to intervene isn't gonna work. I'm in the kill em with kindness camp. It's hard to be angry at someone treating you really really well. I might pointedly say something like "oh hi ___! How ARE you? It's good to see you again. What're you up to today?" It's kind of hard to dismiss someone who is being really nice to you and is generally kind to you. I still send my XBF's kid little bits and bobs. In the end people remember how you make them feel. So maybe you represent something that makes them uncomfortable. Why don't you guys sit down and chat. And share what you have noticed, and ask if you have done something to make them uncomfortable because you noticed they only say hi to their dad.


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## northernlights

Sun Catcher said:


> many posters here said to shut and lock the doors and you have scoffed at the idea. I sincerely hope you don’t come to regret that.


No, it's excellent advice, I have the doors locked right now! I can always get in through the garage when I inevitably lock myself out 😊


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## drencrom

northernlights said:


> DH and I have been married for 2 years, together for 5. His kids were 15 and 18 when we met. We didn't marry or move in together until his youngests graduated high school. So, I think it's normal that the kids and I aren't super close. But, they barely even say hi to me if I'm around. They'll come by the house and run in and out to get something and only yell hi if their dad is here. And if he is here, they'll say "hi/bye dad," and I'll say hi/bye, but it's always them addressing only him, even if I'm right there. DH won't talk with them and say that it's important for them to acknowledge me. So, I pretty much just ignore it. But that's not working for me, because now I'm finding them to be rude kids that I don't really like!
> Is this one of those moments where I just have to keep being the adult and keep on greeting them warmly until they finally start being polite?


I've heard stories around town that happens mainly because the x-wife is brainwashing them to not like anyone her x-husband dates/marries. Could this be possible?


----------



## northernlights

drencrom said:


> I've heard stories around town that happens mainly because the x-wife is brainwashing them to not like anyone her x-husband dates/marries. Could this be possible?


Yeah, I'm certain their mother doesn't support their relationship with me. At one point, biomom came by DH's house while I was visiting and accused the kids of not responding to her texts when "their dad has other women at the house " (they had been outside playing without phones for a few hours). It ended with biomom leaving and telling the kids to "go be with their new family." 

So, yeah, Major reasons to think they're incredibly afraid to form a bond. And so, I've really tried to give them space but be kind and supportive at the same time. But it's frustrating for me to still be totally ignored (if their dad's not around, and sometimes if he is) after all these years.


----------



## drencrom

northernlights said:


> Yeah, I'm certain their mother doesn't support their relationship with me. At one point, biomom came by DH's house while I was visiting and accused the kids of not responding to her texts when "their dad has other women at the house " (they had been outside playing without phones for a few hours). It ended with biomom leaving and telling the kids to "go be with their new family."
> 
> So, yeah, Major reasons to think they're incredibly afraid to form a bond. And so, I've really tried to give them space but be kind and supportive at the same time. But it's frustrating for me to still be totally ignored (if their dad's not around, and sometimes if he is) after all these years.


And thats just sad. As much as I loathe my x-wife, I'd never mentally abuse my kids to hate someone that doesn't deserve it. As long as whoever she is with is good to my kids, I don't have a problem with them.

But some people will brainwash them to hate whoever their X is with out of spite and jealousy. My x-wife has done this with a few people I had been with when I was still dating. Thankfully my oldest son ended up telling his mom to mind her own business and that she didn't know the person I was dating at all.

Maybe have a talk with your husband to see if this is possibly going on and to nip it before the X really does damage to his kids' heads.


----------



## LisaDiane

northernlights said:


> Yes, this. Step son's girlfriend lived here half the week this summer, and I hated it. She's not going to live here again, but it didn't help any of our relationships. Long story. *But she was more of the same, step son and I actually started to have a good conversation about the dynamic, until he told me that the problem really is that we're not blending as a family because we're too different -- he and his family/friends "go at things harder" than I and my clan do. !!!*
> Ballsy words for the kid living in my house. My million dollar oceanfront house. With his girlfriend. No chores, no rent. And just, something I haven't been able to come back from...


So you thought the conversation was "good" until he said some things you didn't want to hear...? I'm really asking. Because communicating and negotiating and finding common ground and compromising are not always pleasant. And if you are asking people to trust you with their real feelings so you can understand them better, you need to be able to handle things you might not like. Was he saying it in a respectful tone, or did you feel disrespected simply because you didn't like his opinion?

What did you WANT him to say?


----------



## LisaDiane

northernlights said:


> Ballsy words for the kid living in my house. *My million dollar oceanfront house.* With his girlfriend. No chores, no rent. And just, something I haven't been able to come back from...


Is this only YOUR house, or is it jointly his father's house and yours?


----------



## Livvie

LisaDiane said:


> Is this only YOUR house, or is it jointly his father's house and yours?


It's her pre existing house. He doesn't contribute to the payment of or upkeep of the house.


----------



## drencrom

northernlights said:


> Yes, this. Step son's girlfriend lived here half the week this summer, and I hated it. She's not going to live here again, but it didn't help any of our relationships. Long story. But she was more of the same, step son and I actually started to have a good conversation about the dynamic, until he told me that the problem really is that we're not blending as a family because we're too different -- he and his family/friends "go at things harder" than I and my clan do. !!!
> Ballsy words for the kid living in my house. My million dollar oceanfront house. With his girlfriend. No chores, no rent. And just, something I haven't been able to come back from...


I think what he is saying is that everyone is just different here. I'm not sure he meant it in a bad way, unless something else he said rubbed you the wrong way.


----------



## LisaDiane

Livvie said:


> It's her pre existing house. He doesn't contribute to the payment of or upkeep of the house.


Ah...I see. 

That opens a new line of thinking and questions from me...most of them starting with WHY...


----------



## drencrom

Rob_1 said:


> Unless this is "your" house (as in you own it), because your are saying "MY multimillion dollars house" and your husband has not saying about it, then NOT, you just can't kick him out and his kids. If (I haven't check in your posts) your husband also owns this house, then he has as much saying as you do. You would not be able to arbitrarily do so.


He has as much say one way or the other. Whoever "owns" the house is irrelevant. When 2 people marry, they share the responsibilities in the home, and although he may not be paying the mortgage, I assume his money goes towards food, utilities, etc.

Even then it doesn't matter. If someone can't be considered an equal partner in a marriage, then they don't need to be married.


----------



## drencrom

LisaDiane said:


> Ah...I see.
> 
> That opens a new line of thinking and questions from me...most of them starting with WHY...


My guess is ownership in the event things go south. If his name isn't on the title or the mortgage, yet he puts money in it, there is no equity in it if, god forbid, they ever parted ways.

If I were to marry someone and they expected me to pay mortgage on HER house, then there would be a refinancing to put my name on the mortgage. Nobody wants to be in their late stages of life with no equity even though they helped with the cost of the home.


----------



## lifeistooshort

LisaDiane said:


> Is this only YOUR house, or is it jointly his father's house and yours?


I thought she'd said it was her house and his father moved in.


----------



## lifeistooshort

drencrom said:


> He has as much say one way or the other. Whoever "owns" the house is irrelevant. When 2 people marry, they share the responsibilities in the home, and although he may not be paying the mortgage, I assume his money goes towards food, utilities, etc.
> 
> Even then it doesn't matter. If someone can't be considered an equal partner in a marriage, then they don't need to be married.


I agree in theory but in reality it's never equal.

He gets equal say in her house but she doesn't really get equal say where his kids are concerned. That is to be expected because she isn't biomom, but if he doesn't back her up it can't work.

This isn't gender specific. You'd have the same issue with a woman moving in with a new hb where her kids are rude to him and she doesn't back him up.


----------



## lifeistooshort

drencrom said:


> My guess is ownership in the event things go south. If his name isn't on the title or the mortgage, yet he puts money in it, there is no equity in it if, god forbid, they ever parted ways.
> 
> If I were to marry someone and they expected me to pay mortgage on HER house, then there would be a refinancing to put my name on the mortgage. Nobody wants to be in their late stages of life with no equity even though they helped with the cost of the home.


The house is paid off, and he did not contribute so he is living rent/mortgage free.


----------



## drencrom

lifeistooshort said:


> I agree in theory but in reality it's never equal.
> 
> He gets equal say in her house but she doesn't really get equal say where his kids are concerned. That is to be expected because she isn't biomom, but if he doesn't back her up it can't work.
> 
> This isn't gender specific. You'd have the same issue with a woman moving in with a new hb where her kids are rude to him and she doesn't back him up.


I get what you are saying. Depends on what the "say" is. As far as rules in the house, they should be equal. As far as expecting respect from the step kids, also equal say.

Other things, yes, I can see where equal say isn't always doable.


----------



## northernlights

Thanks everyone. I think the whole "it's my house" is a huge part of the problem. In the beginning, I really worried they'd all feel like outsiders, so I was super focused on them feeling at home here. I didn't realize that they were going to act like I didn't belong in their house, so I had to reverse course and stand up for myself. I'm sure it's been confusing for them. It's been confusing for me! Same with my stuff. It's one thing to share, it's another to be told how I'm supposed to use my things. So the whole approach to theirs/mine/ours I'm sure feels like whiplash.

My problem with the conversation with SS is that I work really hard for our lifestyle. So hearing that he and his family/friends "go at things harder" than me and mine feels like a slap in the face. There's an element of thinking they're better than other people, which I used to think was rooted in insecurity, but now just seems really judgemental.


----------



## drencrom

lifeistooshort said:


> The house is paid off, and he did not contribute so he is living rent/mortgage free.


Got it, but it has nothing to do with "say". Since its paid off then he simply won't have any equity.


----------



## drencrom

northernlights said:


> My problem with the conversation with SS is that I work really hard for our lifestyle. So hearing that he and his family/friends "go at things harder" than me and mine feels like a slap in the face.
> 
> *There's an element of thinking they're better than other people*, which I used to think was rooted in insecurity, but now just seems really judgemental.


Ok, I was wondering what he meant by "go at things harder". Is he trying to imply they are extroverts and you are an introvert? You could always say, "listen son, you don't get what I have by not going at anything soft."


----------



## Livvie

northernlights said:


> Thanks everyone. I think the whole "it's my house" is a huge part of the problem. In the beginning, I really worried they'd all feel like outsiders, so I was super focused on them feeling at home here. I didn't realize that they were going to act like I didn't belong in their house, so I had to reverse course and stand up for myself. I'm sure it's been confusing for them. It's been confusing for me! Same with my stuff. It's one thing to share, it's another to be told how I'm supposed to use my things. So the whole approach to theirs/mine/ours I'm sure feels like whiplash.
> 
> My problem with the conversation with SS is that I work really hard for our lifestyle. So hearing that he and his family/friends "go at things harder" than me and mine feels like a slap in the face. There's an element of thinking they're better than other people, which I used to think was rooted in insecurity, but now just seems really judgemental.


Yeah, that "go at it harder" is a real piss off. If "they" all "go at it harder" why are YOU the only one with a million dollar house, boat, etc.? If they go at it so hard, what do they have to show for the goin' at it so hard??


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## northernlights

Livvie said:


> Yeah, that "go at it harder" is a real piss off. If "they" all "go at it harder" why are YOU the only one with a million dollar house, boat, etc.? If they go at it so hard, what do they have to show for the goin' at it so hard??


The conversation was interrupted at this point. I asked if he meant that they're more athletic, which is definitely true, but he clarified that no, he just meant general things. Then the interruption. DH insists that he absolutely meant athletic. But we didn't get back to the conversation. Now, it was July, and if I bring it up, I'm sure they'll make me feel like I am dwelling on the comment and that's another problem with me. I feel like, any conversation they want to "win" and a better mutual understanding isn't the goal. I have to take better control of the conversation and keep redirecting to a goal of understanding if we do talk again. But that's a lot of mental work .


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## drencrom

northernlights said:


> The conversation was interrupted at this point. I asked if he meant that they're more athletic, which is definitely true, but he clarified that no, he just meant general things. Then the interruption. DH insists that he absolutely meant athletic. But we didn't get back to the conversation. Now, it was July, and if I bring it up, I'm sure they'll make me feel like I am dwelling on the comment and that's another problem with me. I feel like, any conversation they want to "win" and a better mutual understanding isn't the goal. I have to take better control of the conversation and keep redirecting to a goal of understanding if we do talk again. But that's a lot of mental work .


You know, not that it is the proper way to handle it, because its not, but if it were me, I'd likely respond in a sarcastic way on certain interactions so they might get the point of how ridiculous their heightened sense of worth is.

Example, if one of them said, "hey, lets go white water rafting!!". I'd probably respond like a smartass and say, "no, you know me....I don't go at things hard." and wait for that puzzled look of how they are going to respond to it.


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## northernlights

drencrom said:


> You know, not that it is the proper way to handle it, because its not, but if it were me, I'd likely respond in a sarcastic way on certain interactions so they might get the point of how ridiculous their heightened sense of worth is.
> 
> Example, if one of them said, "hey, lets go white water rafting!!". I'd probably respond like a smartass and say, "no, you know me....I don't go at things hard." and wait for that puzzled look of how they are going to respond to it.


I've been so tempted!! But I'm trying so hard to be a better person. 😊

Also, I want to point out that I'm not rich. I work hard and have made some good investments, but my house is the vast majority of my net worth, because exH and I split things up so that pretty much, he got the cash and I got the house. For a while when I first met DH, I had almost no cash available to me. I'm better now, but I'm not pulling in so much that I don't have a financial care in the world. Taking care of the house is really important to my financial security.


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## Angel wings

northernlights said:


> DH and I have been married for 2 years, together for 5. His kids were 15 and 18 when we met. We didn't marry or move in together until his youngests graduated high school. So, I think it's normal that the kids and I aren't super close. But, they barely even say hi to me if I'm around. They'll come by the house and run in and out to get something and only yell hi if their dad is here. And if he is here, they'll say "hi/bye dad," and I'll say hi/bye, but it's always them addressing only him, even if I'm right there. DH won't talk with them and say that it's important for them to acknowledge me. So, I pretty much just ignore it. But that's not working for me, because now I'm finding them to be rude kids that I don't really like!
> Is this one of those moments where I just have to keep being the adult and keep on greeting them warmly until they finally start being polite?


You should just let them be... Concentrate on your relationship with him. Kids are big and have there own identity to there life.. In time they will come to you for advice.. Just be patient and show them you better than them.. They are kids in your eyes and sooner or later they will feel bad by being rude to them. Trust me it's not easy for the dad that's his kids are rude.. He won't say it because he scared you will leave him.. One more thing they are adults know they not babies.. Hope this advice will help you.


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