# Trying to heal



## usmchusband (Jul 1, 2012)

Hello all,

I have been reading this forum over the past couple of days and just want to start out by saying I appreciate all the love and support you all offer each other. It's comforting to know there are so many others in my situation.

I'm 26 and have been married to my wife for almost 2 years. After the first year of marriage I joined the military and was away for 3 months. During this time my wife developed an inappropriate relationship with an old friend of mine who she had met just before I left. 

They ended up kissing and she told me about it after I came home. It was very difficult to deal with but I could feel her sincere sorrow and I was quick to forgive her. I have not seen or spoken to my old friend since writing him an email explaining how this made me feel. 

A few months later I returned from some more training and resumed our "normal married life". Everything was going fine for about 3 months until she got a serving job at a local bar/restaurant and met this guy "Z". I noticed on the phone record that she had contacted a strange number a lot suddenly and confronted her immediately about it. She claimed it was her sisters phone number from a temporary cell phone, but I looked up the area code and saw it matched the city where Z was from. 

So I had suspicion already. I told her I was going to call her sister and she confessed it was this coworker Z and said that he was just a friend that was going through a rough time with an ex or something. I saw through the bs, but had no proof of anything else other than a phone call at 2 am which was very unusual for her. 

I also had noticed during this time that she had become very attached to her phone and took it everywhere with her. Looking back these things seem obvious. I continued to worry about it and I was very upset and told her to break off communication completely. She was going to quit the job in a few weeks because she was leaving the country for an internship anyways, so she continued to work there. 

Our relationship was very rough during this time and I ended up installing a keylogger on her laptop. That night where things seemed weird, she kept waiting for me to go to sleep and I was pissed that she didnt want to spend time with me. I woke back up in the middle of the night and checked her laptop. Sure enough I found what I had suspected she had written him a facebook message telling him she loved him and wanted to see him and have a movie day and all this crap.... I was devastated to say the least. 

I confronted her right away and she confessed again but it was bad. She ended leaving that night to go see him against my advice but I wanted her to end it with him that night. She was gone like 4 hours and I called her so many times and made threats and all that. I was furious. We tried to work through things for the next couple weeks and she didn't appear to make any contact with him but she changed her passwords on all her accounts since I had hacked them. She left over a month ago on ok terms, but I still was angry and bitter. 

A couple of days after she left, she gave me all her passwords... except the password to her skype. I went in and changed it through forgot password (you see what kind of monster I have become?) and found that she had tried to contact Z several times by phone but never could. I confronted her over skype and she of course broke down, I was not going to believe it was over so quickly. I told her I wouldn't talk to her until she comes clean. She sent me an email that night saying that one night when she was over at Z's place late at night that he did finger her. 

I felt dead inside when reading this. I replied but I expressed to her that I have little hope for the future. I love her so much, I have devoted everything to her. I am in no way perfect but she knows that I am loyal to her. Things have improved a bit since then and we communicate a lot through email and skype when we can. I now have all of her passwords, but am worried that things have gone, or could go, deeper underground. 

We both want to save our marriage and build a better relationship and completely change the way things were. I still feel as though she doesn't fully understand how much I am hurt. 

She even at first expressed interest in working at the same bar when she gets back. I have told her hell no, and we agreed not to talk about it for now. I explained to her I have deep needs because of this whole ordeal (I used to be such a carefree guy before all this). I laid down some ground rules and we are going to start counseling in a month when she gets back. This has been really hard on me because she left right after I discovered this, so we really haven't been able to rebuild our marriage yet.


I still love her so much and my heart wants to just forgive and forget, but there is no way I can just heal so fast. I am the type of person that loves to feel stable and secure, and all that was ripped from me. I know it could have been much worse and its not the end of the world but I am just lost these days. I know that it will be a hard road and it will take a long time to completely recover. 

How can I express to my wife the pain I feel without making her feel more and more guilty? Btw this is the first time I have told anyone the situation. It has been eating away at me for like 2 months now. I wish I could bring it up and ask more details without her getting defensive but we haven't been able to be alone and had a long time to talk. I feel like no real progress will be made until she gets back. We have already planned a trip to get away and focus on our marriage when she gets back. I just pray that she has the strength to give me what I need, and that I can be the best possible husband to her. I love her that much. 

I still have my off days though where I have bad thoughts and feel very angry. I guess it will just have to wait until she gets back before the pain will diminish. 

Any thoughts or response is appreciated and again thanks for reading this epic wall of text. It feels good to get this out in the open.

Thanks


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sorry you have to be here, but glad you found your way here, all the same.

You will get a lot of good advice from people who have been through what you are going through now.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Sorry you have to be here, but glad you found your way here, all the same.
> 
> You will get a lot of good advice from people who have been through what you are going through now.


And hopefully you'll be one of the ones that actually follows some of it.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> And hopefully you'll be one of the ones that actually follows some of it.


Just spent 1/2 hr with someone in another thread all for her to say- "Na, dont wanna do that. I wanna know how to confront him" 
Well since you can print out his fb full of chats w/other women- START THERE!:scratchhead:

AP-so sorry youre here. Seriously, listen to the posters here. Alot of them have been right where you are(myself included).

Good luck. This is not an easy road.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Welcome to TAM.

Reading infidelity stories on these sites daily I can assure you if they say it was only a kiss, it was a full sex. If she says he fingered her, you can be sure it was much more then just sex.

So now you know she's a serial cheater, not only that but she humilated you when she left for Z after you confronted her. Do you have a limit on how many times she can cheat or disrespect you before you consider divorce?


And why the he** would you go on vacation right after she comes back? Don't you see that as gifting her for her affair?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Your wife could not remain loyal to you one year into your marriage. She has cheated twice on you in the first two years of your marriage.

It is possible she had sex multiple times with both guys.

It is possible she only confessed the first time because she thought your old friend might tell you about it.

She may have told your old friend that she loved him You know she told Z she loved him and she tried to continue the relationship even after she said she would break it off. She may be continuing it still right now.

Cheaters lie. Cheaters also minimize. Many times, if they say they kissed one time, you later find out that they had sex five times. Until she starts to earn your trust back, treat everythng she says as a lie unless it is supported by actions.

You are way to ready to forgive your wife and move on. You are setting yourself for a lot of future heartbreak. She has betrayed your vows, cheated on you, and lied to you on a regular basis as she carried on a secret affair with the other man. You should be ready to divorce her, not forgive her. It makes no sense to forgive someone who is not sorry.

Did she say why she had the affairs? Did she try to blame you? Is your old friend married? Is Z married? Does Z still work at or frequent the bar where your wife wants to return to work?

Tell your wife you want her to handwrite a no contact letter to both other men, stating how horribly ashamed she is of her behavior, how terrible she feels for risking losing her marriage and her husband, who is the most important thing in the world to her, and stating that if the other man ever attempts to contact her again in any way, shape, or form, she will file harassment charges against him. She should give these letters to you so you can make sure she did not add or subtract anything from the content, then you mail them to the two other men.

Tell your wife she must have no contact with either other man, ever. If they try to contact her, she must not respond and must tell you about it immediately.

If Z is married or has a girlfriend, expose the affair to her. She deserves to know, and she can help you monitor that the affair has ended and hasn't started back up. Do not tell your wife you are doing this. If the affair is over and your wife has severed all contact, she should not find out. If your wife finds out and blows up at you, tell her you are fighting for her and fighting to save your marriage.

Tell your wife she must give you access to all communication devices and accounts and should not delete any messages or browsing history, as well as let you know her whereabouts 24/7 until she earns your trust back.

Tell your wife that you cannot control her, you can only control yourself and what you are willing to accept or not accept in a marriage, and how you react to her actions.

Tell your wife if she does not agree to the conditions you need to heal from her affair, you will file for divorce. Then do it. Divorce is a long process and you can stop it if your wife agrees.

You are young and have no children. Your wife seems to be a broken person, a serial cheater, who even cheated on you with one of your old friends. It is best if you find out now whether or not she is committed to staying loyal to you and your marriage.

You can do all of these things now. You don't have to wait for her to come home.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

No one just kisses knowing that their "loved" one is away, I'm willing to be my last quid that it was full blown


Read the links in Almostrecovered's, Lord Mayhem's and moriituri's signatures


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Remember: STD tests for both of you, no unprotected sex with her.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey SempreFi---1st thank you for helping us to sleep peacefully in our beds at nite

Now for the part you ain't gonna wanna read------It doesn't matter what happened, when she left you for 4 hrs---that night

Bottom line ---you told her not to go---she knew she was married, she knew she had taken vows with you, and she went anyway------what happened that night, was that, she wanted to be with him---point blank---end of discussion, you her loyal, loving, H didn't matter.

Family comes before anything---and your wife, just walked out left you, and threw that away

You may love her, what kind of a love is that---you have to know, she doesn't love you-------there was absolutely no reason, for her to start up with this guy---she had already broken boundaries once on you, now with a complete stranger, who in all honesty---SHE KNEW ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT, except the lies he told her, so he could have sex with her, and she broke boundaries again.

You will do what, you think is best for you---but if you do R, with her---you must make her accept accountability, there have to be boundaries, with actionable consequences, not words---You have to understand, her saying I Love You, is utter, and total BS---one who loves another, truly loves them, does not even know other men exist, in the world---they are there for you, and no one else

Your so called wife--SELFESHLY, wanted to be with her lover, and she WENT TO HIM, after you told her not to leave, what she did was to say "the He*l with you, I will do what I want, and you can't control me"

You are only into your mge. a short time, and she is already, doing as she pleases----you are in for a life time of misery with this woman---

Why don't you try explaining to me, what it is you love about her, maybe the way she leaves you for her lover, knowing you knew, and told her not to go---is that what you love about her

You do as you please---but please take one piece of advice, DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH HER---she WILL cheat again, so don't get yourself pinned in---at some point in time, you will see what she really is, and you will have had enuff----good luck to you, no matter what.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

usmchusband said:


> How can I express to my wife the pain I feel without making her feel more and more guilty?


She's guilty of everything. Let her experience your hurt and feel it. That way she'll realize what she has caused and maybe learn from it.
Why do you want to minimize the hurt and not pass it on to her?
That's not fair for you!!


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

usmchusband said:


> Hello all,
> 
> 
> 
> ...


First off, she should feel guilty. She is guilty. She is a grown woman and should be able to handle the hard emotions which she caused as a direct result of her actions. If she is truly remorseful, then she should want you to heal. If that means that you must vent your pain and anger, then she must accept the consequences. If she truly loves you and is truly sorry for what she did, and she is sincere in her promise to be faithful in the future, then the focus shifts for her to deal with your healing process. She should answer all of your questions truthfully even if the details are hurtful for you, because you need the answers.


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