# Mom is jealous of my future-mother-in law



## capricorngirl_99

Here is my situation: Once upon a time, my fiance, who is 27 and I (I'm 28)were living out on our own. He was an engineer and I was a retail associate. However, the company he was working for laid him off, so we had no choice but to move back home with one of our parents. We were about to move in with my parents until he got a job interview near where his parents live. So we decide to move in with them instead until we go back on our feet. 

Needless to say, my fiance didn't get that job and we are still living with his parents 7 months later. He now works a minimum wage job, while I have yet to secure a job, after putting in many applications. I had a job interview the other day and I just found out that I didn't get it. It really upset me because I have been trying so hard, but nothing has come of it. I didn't feel like telling anyone but my fiance, but I put a status about it on Facebook. His mother came online and wrote "Everything will be okay and you will have a place to live until you guys find something." 

Apparently, this didn't bode well with my mother, who feels I should call her and talk about EVERY aspect of my life. She got angry when she read what my future mother-in-law wrote. She told me that some of the things that she says sometimes makes her feel inadequate as a mother. The only things that my mother in law tell me is that she is there for me and that she loves me. I know that I was wrong in not calling my mother to talk to her about it, but damn, what is so wrong about my mother in law being so supportive?

I just feel like my mom makes everything about her sometimes and that she is the only one that should be in my life. She gets jealous over my fiance too as well. The thing is, I call her every day. Sometimes, we talk twice a day. I also try to come home and visit her at least once a month and I stay there for five days. I just feel like I can't please her either way and I try so hard to make everything equal between her and my mother and law. What should I do. Thanks and sorry for writing such a novel!


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## EleGirl

Don't get caught up in your mother's antics. Just tell her that she's the best mom around, you love her, yada yada yada. And then live your life.

You could tell her that you feel lucky because you have the best mom and a supportive MIL. But SHE will always be your mom. Make her feel special . That's what your mom needs.

if you let yourself get caught up in this it will further foster a rivalry between the moms.


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## CompatibilityandLove

You are right to sever the umbilical cord with your Mum. It is the responsibility of the child to do that.

It wont be the end of your relationship with your Mum. It will be the making of it (hopefully).

You will then re-establish your relationship on an adult-adult level, compared to the adult-child relationship you Mum is clinging onto.

Good luck.


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## capricorngirl_99

Thanks. I have tried many ways to appease her so she wouldn't go off the deep end with her overly dramatic ways. One year during the holidays, I decided to split visiting time between his family and mine and that didn't go over too well with her at all. She made a big scene and claimed that I no longer cared for her and made me feel like the worst daughter ever. The sad thing is that she complains how much she misses me but she NEVER makes an effort to come visit me. I live less than 3 hours away and the sad part is that she has had weekends empty but somehow comes up with an excuse as to why she can't come visit me. I am getting sick of it. She makes me think that I am not doing my part of being a great daughter, and yet she is doing the same things that she is accusing me of. I am so angry right now.


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## CompatibilityandLove

Blackmail is never a good look - least of all in a mother.

I still think it is up to you to stand up to your Mum. Tell her you love her, are grateful that she has brought you through to adulthood etc, and now it is time for her to stand back because you are going to fly.

That gives her permission to turn her attention moe on herself too, of course.

But, for now, you need to be looking forward not back.

You love your Mum Im sure but you are not her keeper. She is acting out of line, probably because there is not enough direction, people, distraction - whatever - in her life.

Stay firm in your resolve and dont bend to her blackmail ways.

Set boundaries as I hope she did with you when you were young and let her know what you want from her.

Ciao

R


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## asylumspadez

My dad is very similar to your mom. Very controling, Always wanting you to be there for him/her but never the other way around, Always wanting you to put in a huge effort to do what they want when they want but arent willing to do the same.

I would honestly tell her off. Tell her that she isnt the only person in your life and that you are not gonna sacrifice your relationships with other people just to please her. She maybe your mother but that doesnt mean you have to put up with all the crap she is dealing you.


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## capricorngirl_99

Angel5112 said:


> Your mother sounds like my mother; manipulative, controlling, selfish, judgmental, needy, etc, etc. If you feed these traits, they will only grow.
> 
> Some solid advice - cut the cord. You don't need to talk to her every day and you don't need to visit her 1 week out of every month. I live within 20 miles of my mother and we work at the same company yet we don't talk this much. I understand having a close relationship, but this is excessive, especially if she can't let you live your own life. You are only reinforcing her thoughts that you need her. If she asks why you have stopped calling so much, tell her you have been busy trying to find a job. If she asks why you stopped visiting, tell her again, that you have been busy and try to spend all your free time with your fiancé.
> 
> She is having a hard time with the fact that you have someone else in your life that can be there for you. That is just too bad. She can't be civil with you about it and is making you feel bad when you didn't do anything wrong. Whenever my mother calls and tries to instigate a fight, I don't engage her. I just listen and pretend to be bored with the conversation. I have occasionally told her that she needed to quit being so melodramatic about things, which pissed her off but shut her up. Trust me, once you start picking back, she will stop. She needs to realize that not everything is about her, in fact, most things are NOT about her. Frankly, she should be happy that you found such a fantastic mother-in-law rather than trying to guilt you into thinking you are somehow being a bad daughter by having a parental relationship with anyone but her.
> 
> Sorry if I sound harsh. I just know from personal experience that if you let it go on too long, it will only get worse. Not to mention, it can destroy the closest of mother-daughter relationships.


You don't sound harsh at all. In fact, many people have told me this. And you are right, I do need to let go of her and letting her stop treating me like complete crap. I deserve better. I am honestly sick of her melodramatic, "woe with me" attitude. She thinks that she is the only person in the world I should have anything to deal with. It really pisses me off.


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## capricorngirl_99

She always says as well that she thinks that she has done a great job adjusting to my moving out. I think she is so wrong in so many ways. If she were truly adjusting as well as she claims, she wouldn't be acting like this. She really needs to get over herself. Thanks for letting me vent. My mother really frustrates the living hell out of me, especially with her selfish, drama queen antics.

Also, I apologize for giving so may examples, but when I was living at home about 3 years ago and was just in the beginning of my relationship with my fiance, he came up to visit me and it was the day before I was going to on vacation with his family. We wanted to go to a movie when he got home and she got all mad because she wanted to spend time with me before they went off on their own vacation. Nevermind that I hadn't seen my boyfriend in almost a month, she wanted it her way.


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## capricorngirl_99

It also makes it harder that I asked her to help me plan my wedding. She has already tried to rule the roost on that too. She has told me that I need to get a spray tan and get fake nails and I flat out said 'no' to both. She wants everything her way and it's driving me nuts. However, I understand that I asked her to help pay for it and that is the consequence I have to deal with.


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## asylumspadez

This is your wedding, Your dream day. She should have no say in it, How would she feel is someone else decided on her own wedding, She wouldnt like it one bit. Stop dealing with all the **** she is throwing at you and confront her about it. You are your own person, She needs to realize that and most of all she needs to grow up.


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## FirstYearDown

Angel5112 said:


> Your mother sounds like my mother; manipulative, controlling, selfish, judgmental, needy, etc, etc. If you feed these traits, they will only grow.
> 
> Some solid advice - cut the cord. You don't need to talk to her every day and you don't need to visit her 1 week out of every month. I live within 20 miles of my mother and we work at the same company yet we don't talk this much. I understand having a close relationship, but this is excessive, especially if she can't let you live your own life. You are only reinforcing her thoughts that you need her. If she asks why you have stopped calling so much, tell her you have been busy trying to find a job. If she asks why you stopped visiting, tell her again, that you have been busy and try to spend all your free time with your fiancé.
> 
> She is having a hard time with the fact that you have someone else in your life that can be there for you. That is just too bad. She can't be civil with you about it and is making you feel bad when you didn't do anything wrong. Whenever my mother calls and tries to instigate a fight, I don't engage her. I just listen and pretend to be bored with the conversation. I have occasionally told her that she needed to quit being so melodramatic about things, which pissed her off but shut her up. Trust me, once you start picking back, she will stop. She needs to realize that not everything is about her, in fact, most things are NOT about her. Frankly, she should be happy that you found such a fantastic mother-in-law rather than trying to guilt you into thinking you are somehow being a bad daughter by having a parental relationship with anyone but her.
> 
> Sorry if I sound harsh. I just know from personal experience that if you let it go on too long, it will only get worse. Not to mention, it can destroy the closest of mother-daughter relationships.


:iagree:

You are NOT wrong for refusing to share everything with your mother.

Don't feed into her bullshxt. She is just being petty and controlling. This is the time for you to shift loyalty to your husband and the new family you are building with him. There is no need for a monthly extended visits or calls twice a day; so much contact seems rather excessive. Unfortunately, most controlling mothers have a difficult time stepping aside gracefully when their adult children marry. Help your mother by loosening the grip she has on you; call and visit less.

We eloped because I refused to let my mother plan OUR wedding like it was hers. She needed to know from the beginning that only _we _make decisions in our marriage. 

I have a mother like that too. I see La Maman once a month and I never sleep over. We only speak on the phone when _she _calls me. The woman is too draining and intrusive for my husband and I.


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## capricorngirl_99

FirstYearDown said:


> :iagree:
> 
> You are NOT wrong for refusing to share everything with your mother.
> 
> Don't feed into her bullshxt. She is just being petty and controlling. This is the time for you to shift loyalty to your husband and the new family you are building with him. There is no need for a monthly extended visits or calls twice a day; so much contact seems rather excessive. Unfortunately, most controlling mothers have a difficult time stepping aside gracefully when their adult children marry. Help your mother by loosening the grip she has on you; call and visit less.
> 
> I have a mother like that too. I see La Maman once a month and I never sleep over. We only speak on the phone when _she _calls me. The woman is too draining and intrusive for my husband and I.



You are right. For three years, she has had a problem with this. She always acts *****y when I have anything to do with my fiance or his family. She got all pissy with me one day when we were dating and all we wanted to do was spend time with each other when he came over to visit me because at that time, we went months without seeing each other. It was also only for the weekend. I was so mad and they got mad about that. I just love controlling families *not*.


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## FirstYearDown

Are you your mother's only child? Did she raise you on her own?

Sometimes these are reasons why mothers get jealous.

Does she have any hobbies?


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## capricorngirl_99

Yeah, as a matter of fact, I am an only child. My parents both raised me. She doesn't do anything with her time, besides play games on the computer all day and maybe do some housework. She is just, I dunno, so melodramatic and at times lazy.

She also expects me to agree with her on EVERYTHING. Otherwise, I am "not her child". I love her, but she is sometimes more of an annoyance than anything else.

Then every time I log on Facebook, there she is and she INSISTS that we talk.


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## FirstYearDown

She has nothing in her own life, so she tries to live yours for you.  

Anytime you don't agree you aren't her daughter?:rofl: 

Gimmie a fvcking break. Any mother who pulls that manipulative BS needs to take a step back. 

Ever think of calling your mother's bluff? When she starts with her melodramatic nonsense and says you are not her child, you can say "You're right. I am not your child. I am a grown woman with my own opinions and concerns. You cannot live my life for me, Mom. I need my space."

Your mother will probably try the guilt trip, but you have to stay strong. She treats you this way because you allow it. Create some distance and stand up for yourself.

Why not just tell her that you are busy and firmly end the conversations? Don't be afraid of your mother's reaction. You do not need her approval.


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## capricorngirl_99

FirstYearDown said:


> She has nothing in her own life, so she tries to live yours for you.
> 
> Anytime you don't agree you aren't her daughter?:rofl:
> 
> Gimmie a fvcking break. Any mother who pulls that manipulative BS needs to take a step back.
> 
> Ever think of calling your mother's bluff? When she starts with her melodramatic nonsense and says you are not her child, you can say "You're right. I am not your child. I am a grown woman with my own opinions and concerns. You cannot live my life for me, Mom. I need my space."
> 
> Your mother will probably try the guilt trip, but you have to stay strong. She treats you this way because you allow it. Create some distance and stand up for yourself.
> 
> Why not just tell her that you are busy and firmly end the conversations? Don't be afraid of your mother's reaction. You do not need her approval.


Well she jokingly says that I am not her daughter when I don't like the same things she does. For example, one day she showed me a picture of a dog that she liked on the computer and she thought she heard me say I didn't like it and she goes "Are you sure you are my daughter?". I knew she was joking, but still, I hate when she says s&%t like that. So I just go, hmm, maybe I am not jokingly and walk away. 

I just thought about this and tell me if it sounds hypocritical, but she wants to know EVERY aspect of my future in-laws' lives. For example, she has to know if those parents are working that day or she always asks what they are doing. She can be so intrusive with them at times. Also, my future mom in law just lost her job and I am afraid to tell my mom because I know she's gonna try to guilt trip me back home by saying "Well they can't afford to have you stay there". In fact, one time, she had the gall to ask me if they approved me living there. That pissed me off, but i just told her that they wouldn't have offered to let me stay there if they didn't. Besides, I feel as if it is really none of her damn business. So I haven't told her yet. 

She wants to be so intrusive about their lives, yet she gets all pissy and starts being all dramatic acting like they have taken over my life. Sometimes I hate the s%$t she says to me. The other day, she actually had the gall to call me and my bridal party "heavy". It really hurt my feelings because honestly, she really isn't a good example of how to be thin and healthy herself. She just pushes me away with the things she says to me. So no wonder.


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## FirstYearDown

capricorngirl_99 said:


> Well she jokingly says that I am not her daughter when I don't like the same things she does. For example, one day she showed me a picture of a dog that she liked on the computer and she thought she heard me say I didn't like it and she goes "Are you sure you are my daughter?". I knew she was joking, but still, I hate when she says s&%t like that. So I just go, hmm, maybe I am not jokingly and walk away. What an idiot. Staying away would make you feel better, trust me. Nobody needs constant negativity in her life.
> 
> I just thought about this and tell me if it sounds hypocritical, but she wants to know EVERY aspect of my future in-laws' lives. For example, she has to know if those parents are working that day or she always asks what they are doing. She can be so intrusive with them at times.Your mother really has too much time on her hands. Also, my future mom in law just lost her job and I am afraid to tell my mom because I know she's gonna try to guilt trip me back home by saying "Well they can't afford to have you stay there". Don't tell her then. She doesn't need to know. If you want to have a happier life, you will need to limit contact with your mother. I'm not saying you have to cut her off, but you are entering a new and exciting phase in your life. If your mother cannot respect your space as an adult and be supportive, you simply do not need to talk twice a day or visit for a week once a month.
> 
> My father and my nieces would love to see me more than once a month. However, I don't like being in my childhood home because it brings back awful memories. I also feel happier when I don't have to be around my mother. So once a month is a great compromise. We do holidays as a couple.In fact, one time, she had the gall to ask me if they approved me living there. That pissed me off, but i just told her that they wouldn't have offered to let me stay there if they didn't. Besides, I feel as if it is really none of her damn business. So I haven't told her yet. *You don't have to tell your mother everything*! Running to Mommy with every piece of information contributes to your problems. STOP IT RIGHT NOW! You are very smart and diplomatic. Use those qualities to help yourself, babe. :smthumbup:
> 
> She wants to be so intrusive about their lives, yet she gets all pissy and starts being all dramatic acting like they have taken over my life. Sometimes I hate the s%$t she says to me. The other day, she actually had the gall to call me and my bridal party "heavy". It really hurt my feelings because honestly, she really isn't a good example of how to be thin and healthy herself. When I told La Maman I was engaged, her first words were "You better lose weight so you're not too fat in your dress!" No congratulations at all. Women who love to point out flaws in others have their own issues; my mother is bigger than me, yet she loves to talk about my size. La Maman is the only person who tells that I am fat, so I know it is just her critical attitude. She became such a controlling momzilla that we eloped. La Maman wanted to plan every aspect of my wedding.She just pushes me away with the things she says to me. So no wonder.


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## capricorngirl_99

You are right. I love her very much and I feel bad when I say bad things behind her back, but I don't like the way she acts. I don't know any of my friends who has to call their mom at a certain time every day. I need to scale things back with her and once this wedding is over with, I may limit the contact with her. 

Fact is, I'm still very pissed off at her, especially how she acted the other day. I didn't think I was doing anything wrong. I always visit her when she wants me to and yet I still get this backlash. My fiance was really surprised that she went that far. My fiance in reality cannot stand her, even though he tries to deal with her in a civil and diplomatic manner. She has said some ****ty things behind his back to me and I was wrong to maybe tell him those things. 

I need to do something now, otherwise, my children are going to be involved in this crap one day. I don't want them to grow up like that at all.


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## capricorngirl_99

I am sorry that happened to you. I am glad that your husband was supportive enough to tell her off himself. My fiance wishes he do that and I wish I could let him, but I want things to remain civil between him and mom. But there are times that I don't care. 

Also, it burned me up reading that your mother had the nerve to say that your relationship between you and her were none of your husband's business. How rude! Your feelings should be his business your feelings were hurt in that case. You did the right thing. 

So I want to do what you are doing, I am going to try to be civil with my mother, but at the same time, she needs to know that her daughter is no longer taking her s**t.


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## FirstYearDown

Angel5112 said:


> My wonderful mother did something like this to me. I changed my hair, cut it off in a pixie, and I hated it. It didn't turn out like it should have and it made me incredibly self conscious.
> 
> She took every chance she could to criticize my haircut, knowing that I thought it made me look ugly. When I would go see her at work she would walk me around the floor and say things like "look at her haircut, she would look cute bald of course, but didn't she look so much prettier with long hair"...you could tell the people were really uncomfortable and most did the nice thing and said "no, I actually like it" (the haircut was horrid), but it still sucked and was humiliating.
> 
> My husband knew how much she was bothering me so he emailed her, basically asking her if she could lay off the remarks regarding my haircut because it was really hurting my feelings. She had the nerve to call me up, in tears, and say "could you tell me why I received this incredibly rude and disrespectful email from YOUR husband?” It was neither and was actually scripted in a very polite and respectful tone. Then she went on about how I asked for her opinion (I didn't) and how I make these choices and she has to deal with the consequences (WTF?!?). What really got me though was she actually told me that my husband needed to stay out of our business, that our relationship was none of his concern, and he had no business poking his nose around in it. I told her everything that involved me was my husband’s concern and that if she had something to say to him, she could tell him herself. I REALLY wanted to point out that I chose him, her I just got stuck with.
> 
> From that point on I made sure she knew that I was not asking for her opinion and that her opinion wasn't welcome. Our relationship has been strained since, but honestly, it is less stressful that way. I don't have to worry about my own mother stabbing me in the back anymore. I still do my best to maintain a civil relationship with her because I feel obligated, but it’s rough, at best, sometimes.
> 
> *People like this, mothers or not, are toxic and need to be kept at an arm’s length. I recommend doing this with your mother ASAP*.


:iagree:
And our mothers need to look in the mirror!


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## FirstYearDown

capricorngirl_99 said:


> I am sorry that happened to you. I am glad that your husband was supportive enough to tell her off himself. My fiance wishes he do that and I wish I could let him, but I want things to remain civil between him and mom. But there are times that I don't care.
> 
> Also, it burned me up reading that your mother had the nerve to say that your relationship between you and her were none of your husband's business. How rude! Your feelings should be his business your feelings were hurt in that case. You did the right thing.
> 
> So I want to do what you are doing, I am going to try to be civil with my mother, but at the same time, she needs to know that her daughter is no longer taking her s**t.


This is easier said than done. You come across as a mother pleaser; this is evident when you say that you "have to" call your mother. You are a grown woman, my love. You do what YOU want. 

Your husband comes first. If you are closer to your mother in law than your own mom, it is because of your mother's actions and personality. 

I have learned to find substitute mothers; older women who are loving, caring and sweet.


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## capricorngirl_99

Yeah, his mother is supportive and I really love that about her. She has treated me as if I am her daughter and I really love that we can have a great relationship. She never complains about anything and she never has told me once that I am fat or anything. My mom can be draining at times. All she does is complain about EVERYTHING. She thinks that the whole world at times is supposed to bend over and kiss her ass or something, which annoys me. It really makes me not want to speak to her at times. I don't understand for the life of me why she isn't happy. She doesn't have to work at all. She has a roof over her head and a loving husband, and a daughter who loves her. My fiance and I lost our home because he lost his job, and I still am 1,000x more grateful than she is. I just wish she would be grateful for the things she has instead of complaining about them. She could sure as hell be in a ****tier situation.


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## CompatibilityandLove

Cut the tie. Make some space in your life.

As you say your Mum has little to inspire her and guess what, she isnt inspiring.

You are more mature than her.

R


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## capricorngirl_99

Thanks. I get so torn some days. I still love her very much and I still want her to be a part of my life. But then, I love my fiance too and I want to always be there for him too. There are just some days that I feel like the worst daughter on this planet because I don't want to visit my mom as much as she wants me to. For example, she was asking the other day when I was coming over to stay for a week. I told her I wasn't sure and it kinda seemed to hurt her. Sometimes, I don't know what to do. It just seems like no matter what I do, nothing makes her happy and it hurts so badly. I call her every single day and talk to her. I visit her once a month as long as SHE wants me to. Yet she never ever tries to come over to my house to see me ever. She always comes up with an excuse as to why she hasn't been over yet. It's always "I've been soooo busy here lately" or "there is no one to look after my dog". It really hurts that she expects me to come over whenever she wants me to, and yet, it's not supposed to bother me if she doesn't try to return the favor. Grrrrrrrrr 

There are just days (like today) that I feel so awful and that I break down and cry.


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## capricorngirl_99

Also, I still want to be as respectful to her as possible. I just feel torn as to what I should do. I am afraid by telling her how I feel, she will think that I no longer care for her and that she's going to say that my fiance has changed me in a bad way. I hate to say this, but I am scared.

My other biggest fear is that if I limit contact with her, something will happen to her and I will regret ever doing it.  I feel like a weenie for saying this, but that's how I feel. However, I have to do this or something else to get her to stop controlling me.


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## FirstYearDown

Has your mother ever tried to control you with guilt?

I am asking because of the fear that you have. Remember, limiting contact is not the same as cutting your mother off forever.

Who are you scared of? Your mother? I know that feeling, but I grew out of it because I knew that I had to stand up for myself.


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## capricorngirl_99

She normally controls me through my emotions, so guilt is one of her tools that she uses. For example, one year, my grandpa had died and we were about have the first Thanksgiving without him. That year too, I wanted to split time with my fiance's family and my family because they had invited me to spend Thanksgiving with them. I told my mom that and she got really upset. She went, "I guess you don't want to be there for me anymore. I see where we stand in your life now." This caused me to change my mind and spend Thanksgiving with her, reluctantly because I was forced to spend that day without my fiance, which wasn't fair because we had decided to go up there that day and spend time with them too. 

I have been limiting my conversations with her lately because I am sick of the negativity she brings me. It's always a complaint about everything and part of me thinks she is depressed after losing my grandpa. I am not really sure, but she makes me feel like I have contributed to her depression because I moved out. I feel like no matter what, she would have said that. So yeah, she tries to make me feel like the worst person in the world for the decisions I make as an adult by making me feel like I don't care about her anymore.


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## FirstYearDown

Your mother is being a manipulative victim. When someone has no life, they try to drag others down with them so that they can feel better.

Glad to hear that you are distancing yourself. You are not responsible for your mother.

You obviously know what needs to be done. Only you know how to conquer your fear of your mother's disapproval. I can say that if you are getting married, you MUST learn to put your husband first or the marriage will suffer.


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## capricorngirl_99

I am getting better about this. However, she continues to criticize me, but I let it roll off my back. For example, the other day, I was wearing a dress that I bought from Goodwill. She told me she liked the dress and asked me where I got it. I told her Goodwill. And she gives me a bad look and says "I will give you some money to buy real clothes with". I then turn it around and go "I think it's nice though". That really killed her. lol


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## Goldmember357

Jealousy leads to corruption of the soul


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## Chrysalis

Hello, a man here, checking in 

I just wanted to give a huge thumbs-up to all the supportive comments from ladies here emphasizing these two basic points:

1) cut ties with manipulative, controlling, dominating "victims"
2) put your husband first 

Reading this thread has been a real breath of fresh air because of the enormous amount of common sense. You all sound like first-class wives and I am extremely impressed.

OP, I can relate to you because my own fiancee has a mother that sounds just like yours, except a good deal worse. And I say that not to compete with you at all; just that my fiancee and I have put a lot of energy into creating this distance and cutting the ties. I myself have confronted her mother and made it clear to her that we are not responsible for her happiness -- or for the toxic rivalry between my fiancee and her sister.

May I recommend an important book? It was a huge help for us: Will I Ever Be Good Enough: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

I do not wish to criticize your mother. Regarding my future MIL, what I can say is that realizing her basic trait of narcissism was a huge breakthrough. This book explained what we needed to do, and it also forecasted the backlash that would occur as a result -- and did. Specifically, the Narcissistic Injury.

Like others described in this thread, my future MIL also tried to take charge of our wedding, as well as causing problems in a hundred other ways to underline her fear and anger about losing control of her whipping-girl (my fiancee is the middle child) which for me was the ultimate symbolic challenge: would my future wife put me first, or take the path of least resistance and appease her mother once again? If she crumbled before her mother's pressure now, she absolutely would do so in the future about much more important issues, like children and the marriage itself. My fiancee spent her whole life being dominated constantly by her mother, who is an extremely loud, strong, and intimidating woman. Every previous suitor has fled because her mother (and her sister) scared him off, i.e. in order to keep my fiancee for themselves. 

That is, until I came along. Their family is a matriarchy, and suddenly I show up with exact opposite values and not a shred of shame about it. Needless to say, they cannot stand me and the feeling is mutual. We are getting hateful emails and letters, as well as threatening phone calls. They are crazy upset and claim to be boycotting our wedding, but they may also show up and try to cause problems. This is their problem. If there is some drama at our wedding, so be it. I'll have professional videocameras there to film the whole thing in broadcast TV quality.

Anyway, the reason for the huge spike in hostility is that my fiancee swallowed the "red pill" so to speak and took the plunge. She told them to stop contacting her, that her loyalty is with me now, and that she's going to live her own life doing what she wants to do, which is to be my wife. They of course know this means they'll lose all control over her, and since they've worked so hard to alienate me I will be extremely slow to let them back in to our lives. They are now venting on us with their narcissistic rage, as predicted (read the Wiki link above, it's illuminating). 

Now here's what's interesting. The product of all this negativity is distance, i.e. between my fiancee and her family, and what I've realized is that we can make use of this distance. Specifically, I have taken charge of it in order to erect some official boundaries between us and them. My wife will live behind my boundary with me, and I will use it to either reduce or increase the distance between us and her family in direct proportion to how hostile they behave. Almost like teaching discipline to children: their actions will have consequences, and if they want to be a part of our lives they will come to heed my rules. 

The rules are simple: no abuse, threats, or manipulation (e.g. emotional bullying).

The point of explaining all this is that I think you can enjoy the same results, and since your mom isn't quite as insane as my fiancee's (at least, in my opinion) the vengefulness won't be as bad. Regardless, by asserting your adulthood and individuating from her, she will be extremely offended and after the initial rage a sudden distance will result. Which you and your fiance can use to establish the healthy boundaries and structure that your marriage will need to survive.

I should stress that this needs to be a joint effort of you and your fiance. He cannot avoid confronting her, and neither can you. In my opinion, you must make the first move because she is your mother. But then, once the narcissistic rage comes out, get out of the way and let your fiance step forward to face the dragon. He must do precisely what you are so afraid of: he must shut her down, decisively. As has been pointed out, being super-respectful has no effect; she ignores the courtesy and focuses on being victimized. No matter what you try to do, to get out from under her shadow, will be met with the usual tactics that have worked so well for your mother for so long. 

Therefore your fiance has absolutely nothing to lose by laying down the law in no uncertain terms. You both must realize this and take a much stronger stand as a result. He needs to shock and awe her, literally, with his masculine power, and make it clear that the only person who can make your mother happy is HER. Not you, and not him. 

You both must always remember that your mother's tears, guilt trips, snark, and in our case, screaming, are her weapons of choice. Above all else, recognize this is ABUSE. Harden your heart and disallow its power over you. Your mother is not necessarily a bad person, but you must toughen up or else she will continue walking all over you forever. This is about your own life and your own happiness. Her emotional problems are secondary and you must reject those burdens. Either you make your husband and your marriage the top priority, or you will lose everything. There's no going back. 

In effect, you and your fiance must work together to do a 180 on your mother. This way you present a united front, and in addition, proper gender values (I choose this word carefully here, instead of using "roles") are assured. To be clear: you will be showing your husband that you are standing by your man, putting him first because you are standing up to your mother. And, in return, he will be showing you that he is strong and willing to fight in order to protect you. Once the distance results, let him take charge of that space and use his judgment to regulate the boundary between your marriage and your mother for the long term. 

Admittedly, I am not an old man looking back at 50 years of successful marriage to report on what worked for the long term. On the other hand I have done some serious study into this specific problem and committed fully to the approach I describe here. I am confident it is the right thing to do because it gets all the issues out in the open BEFORE the marriage. It allows me to know where everyone stands before I invest in trusting them. It sets expectations all around about who I am, that I will be a strict judge of their behavior, and that I'm not just another chump for them to control. It also prevents her family from sinking their hooks into us gradually over a period of years, then slowly tearing us apart later on as the contradiction between my needs and theirs becomes more distinct. 

In conclusion, compare the approach I describe above to the many sad stories here at TAM about marital problems related to interference from family members. Look closely and you will see that virtually all those stories share a common problem: one spouse putting his/her family ahead of the other spouse and the marriage itself. Therefore, fixing this problem early should pay huge dividends throughout the marriage.

Best of luck!


----------



## FirstYearDown

Chrysalis said:


> Hello, a man here, checking in
> 
> I just wanted to give a huge thumbs-up to all the supportive comments from ladies here emphasizing these two basic points:
> 
> 1) cut ties with manipulative, controlling, dominating "victims"
> 2) put your husband first
> 
> Reading this thread has been a real breath of fresh air because of the enormous amount of common sense. You all sound like first-class wives and I am extremely impressed. Thank you my dear.
> 
> OP, I can relate to you because my own fiancee has a mother that sounds just like yours, except a good deal worse. And I say that not to compete with you at all; just that my fiancee and I have put a lot of energy into creating this distance and cutting the ties. I myself have confronted her mother and made it clear to her that we are not responsible for her happiness -- or for the toxic rivalry between my fiancee and her sister.
> 
> May I recommend an important book? It was a huge help for us: Will I Ever Be Good Enough: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers :iagree: I have this book! Helped me a lot!
> 
> I do not wish to criticize your mother. Regarding my future MIL, what I can say is that realizing her basic trait of narcissism was a huge breakthrough. This book explained what we needed to do, and it also forecasted the backlash that would occur as a result -- and did. Specifically, the Narcissistic Injury.
> 
> *Like others described in this thread, my future MIL also tried to take charge of our wedding, as well as causing problems in a hundred other ways to underline her fear and anger about losing control of her whipping-girl (my fiancee is the middle child) which for me was the ultimate symbolic challenge: would my future wife put me first, or take the path of least resistance and appease her mother once again? If she crumbled before her mother's pressure now, she absolutely would do so in the future about much more important issues, like children and the marriage itself. My fiancee spent her whole life being dominated constantly by her mother, who is an extremely loud, strong, and intimidating woman. Every previous suitor has fled because her mother (and her sister) scared him off, i.e. in order to keep my fiancee for themselves. *
> Are you sure that you aren't my husband? :rofl:This is EXACTLY what we went through and I chose my hubby. My family cut us off for a year because we eloped. I didn't want my mom's negative and controlling energy around me on my wedding day, nor did I want to let her plan a huge wedding so that she could show off. My husband was so happy that I stood up to them.
> 
> 
> That is, until I came along. Their family is a matriarchy, and suddenly I show up with exact opposite values and not a shred of shame about it. Needless to say, they cannot stand me and the feeling is mutual. We are getting hateful emails and letters, as well as threatening phone calls. They are crazy upset and claim to be boycotting our wedding, but they may also show up and try to cause problems. This is their problem. If there is some drama at our wedding, so be it. I'll have professional videocameras there to film the whole thing in broadcast TV quality.
> 
> Anyway, the reason for the huge spike in hostility is that my fiancee swallowed the "red pill" so to speak and took the plunge. She told them to stop contacting her, that her loyalty is with me now, and that she's going to live her own life doing what she wants to do, which is to be my wife. They of course know this means they'll lose all control over her, and since they've worked so hard to alienate me I will be extremely slow to let them back in to our lives. They are now venting on us with their narcissistic rage, as predicted (read the Wiki link above, it's illuminating).
> 
> Now here's what's interesting. The product of all this negativity is distance, i.e. between my fiancee and her family, and what I've realized is that we can make use of this distance. Specifically, I have taken charge of it in order to erect some official boundaries between us and them. My wife will live behind my boundary with me, and I will use it to either reduce or increase the distance between us and her family in direct proportion to how hostile they behave. Almost like teaching discipline to children: their actions will have consequences, and if they want to be a part of our lives they will come to heed my rules. :iagree:Your wife is lucky to have a husband like you.  We are very careful about how much time we spend around my mother as well as how much she knows about our life. She complains to my beloved dad that I don't want her in my life, but I don't give a rat's ass. I don't trust my mom and I have no interest in being her friend after all the abuse she subjected me to.
> 
> The rules are simple: no abuse, threats, or manipulation (e.g. emotional bullying).
> 
> The point of explaining all this is that I think you can enjoy the same results, and since your mom isn't quite as insane as my fiancee's (at least, in my opinion) the vengefulness won't be as bad. Regardless, by asserting your adulthood and individuating from her, she will be extremely offended and after the initial rage a sudden distance will result. Which you and your fiance can use to establish the healthy boundaries and structure that your marriage will need to survive.
> 
> I should stress that this needs to be a joint effort of you and your fiance. :iagree:He cannot avoid confronting her, and neither can you. In my opinion, you must make the first move because she is your mother. But then, once the narcissistic rage comes out, get out of the way and let your fiance step forward to face the dragon. He must do precisely what you are so afraid of: he must shut her down, decisively. As has been pointed out, being super-respectful has no effect; she ignores the courtesy and focuses on being victimized. No matter what you try to do, to get out from under her shadow, will be met with the usual tactics that have worked so well for your mother for so long.
> 
> Therefore your fiance has absolutely nothing to lose by laying down the law in no uncertain terms. You both must realize this and take a much stronger stand as a result. He needs to shock and awe her, literally, with his masculine power, and make it clear that the only person who can make your mother happy is HER. Not you, and not him. My mother loves to ask my husband questions about how well I keep our home. She is very old fashioned and she tries to impose her servile nonsense on us. My mother hates when I complain to my father about her, so when she gets out of hand, I do just that.  She won't listen to me when I tell her to knock it off, so I humilate her by getting my dad involved. Recently, my mom asked my husband "What would you do if (my name) wouldn't cook?" He looked in her eyes and calmly replied "If I have a problem with my wife, she is the only person I would discuss it with. She is a great cook, so there is nothing for you to worry about."
> 
> You both must always remember that your mother's tears, guilt trips, snark, and in our case, screaming, are her weapons of choice. Above all else, recognize this is ABUSE. Harden your heart and disallow its power over you. Your mother is not necessarily a bad person, but you must toughen up or else she will continue walking all over you forever.  Totally!This is about your own life and your own happiness. Her emotional problems are secondary and you must reject those burdens. Either you make your husband and your marriage the top priority, or you will lose everything. There's no going back.
> 
> In effect, you and your fiance must work together to do a 180 on your mother. This way you present a united front, and in addition, proper gender values (I choose this word carefully here, instead of using "roles") are assured. To be clear: you will be showing your husband that you are standing by your man, putting him first because you are standing up to your mother. And, in return, he will be showing you that he is strong and willing to fight in order to protect you. Once the distance results, let him take charge of that space and use his judgment to regulate the boundary between your marriage and your mother for the long term. I could hug you. You are so right.
> 
> Admittedly, I am not an old man looking back at 50 years of successful marriage to report on what worked for the long term. On the other hand I have done some serious study into this specific problem and committed fully to the approach I describe here. I am confident it is the right thing to do because it gets all the issues out in the open BEFORE the marriage. It allows me to know where everyone stands before I invest in trusting them. It sets expectations all around about who I am, that I will be a strict judge of their behavior, and that I'm not just another chump for them to control. It also prevents her family from sinking their hooks into us gradually over a period of years, then slowly tearing us apart later on as the contradiction between my needs and theirs becomes more distinct.
> 
> In conclusion, compare the approach I describe above to the many sad stories here at TAM about marital problems related to interference from family members. Look closely and you will see that virtually all those stories share a common problem: one spouse putting his/her family ahead of the other spouse and the marriage itself. Therefore, fixing this problem early should pay huge dividends throughout the marriage.
> 
> Best of luck!


----------



## capricorngirl_99

Chrysalis said:


> Hello, a man here, checking in
> 
> I just wanted to give a huge thumbs-up to all the supportive comments from ladies here emphasizing these two basic points:
> 
> 1) cut ties with manipulative, controlling, dominating "victims"
> 2) put your husband first
> 
> Reading this thread has been a real breath of fresh air because of the enormous amount of common sense. You all sound like first-class wives and I am extremely impressed.
> 
> OP, I can relate to you because my own fiancee has a mother that sounds just like yours, except a good deal worse. And I say that not to compete with you at all; just that my fiancee and I have put a lot of energy into creating this distance and cutting the ties. I myself have confronted her mother and made it clear to her that we are not responsible for her happiness -- or for the toxic rivalry between my fiancee and her sister.
> 
> May I recommend an important book? It was a huge help for us: Will I Ever Be Good Enough: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
> 
> I do not wish to criticize your mother. Regarding my future MIL, what I can say is that realizing her basic trait of narcissism was a huge breakthrough. This book explained what we needed to do, and it also forecasted the backlash that would occur as a result -- and did. Specifically, the Narcissistic Injury.
> 
> Like others described in this thread, my future MIL also tried to take charge of our wedding, as well as causing problems in a hundred other ways to underline her fear and anger about losing control of her whipping-girl (my fiancee is the middle child) which for me was the ultimate symbolic challenge: would my future wife put me first, or take the path of least resistance and appease her mother once again? If she crumbled before her mother's pressure now, she absolutely would do so in the future about much more important issues, like children and the marriage itself. My fiancee spent her whole life being dominated constantly by her mother, who is an extremely loud, strong, and intimidating woman. Every previous suitor has fled because her mother (and her sister) scared him off, i.e. in order to keep my fiancee for themselves.
> 
> That is, until I came along. Their family is a matriarchy, and suddenly I show up with exact opposite values and not a shred of shame about it. Needless to say, they cannot stand me and the feeling is mutual. We are getting hateful emails and letters, as well as threatening phone calls. They are crazy upset and claim to be boycotting our wedding, but they may also show up and try to cause problems. This is their problem. If there is some drama at our wedding, so be it. I'll have professional videocameras there to film the whole thing in broadcast TV quality.
> 
> Anyway, the reason for the huge spike in hostility is that my fiancee swallowed the "red pill" so to speak and took the plunge. She told them to stop contacting her, that her loyalty is with me now, and that she's going to live her own life doing what she wants to do, which is to be my wife. They of course know this means they'll lose all control over her, and since they've worked so hard to alienate me I will be extremely slow to let them back in to our lives. They are now venting on us with their narcissistic rage, as predicted (read the Wiki link above, it's illuminating).
> 
> Now here's what's interesting. The product of all this negativity is distance, i.e. between my fiancee and her family, and what I've realized is that we can make use of this distance. Specifically, I have taken charge of it in order to erect some official boundaries between us and them. My wife will live behind my boundary with me, and I will use it to either reduce or increase the distance between us and her family in direct proportion to how hostile they behave. Almost like teaching discipline to children: their actions will have consequences, and if they want to be a part of our lives they will come to heed my rules.
> 
> The rules are simple: no abuse, threats, or manipulation (e.g. emotional bullying).
> 
> The point of explaining all this is that I think you can enjoy the same results, and since your mom isn't quite as insane as my fiancee's (at least, in my opinion) the vengefulness won't be as bad. Regardless, by asserting your adulthood and individuating from her, she will be extremely offended and after the initial rage a sudden distance will result. Which you and your fiance can use to establish the healthy boundaries and structure that your marriage will need to survive.
> 
> I should stress that this needs to be a joint effort of you and your fiance. He cannot avoid confronting her, and neither can you. In my opinion, you must make the first move because she is your mother. But then, once the narcissistic rage comes out, get out of the way and let your fiance step forward to face the dragon. He must do precisely what you are so afraid of: he must shut her down, decisively. As has been pointed out, being super-respectful has no effect; she ignores the courtesy and focuses on being victimized. No matter what you try to do, to get out from under her shadow, will be met with the usual tactics that have worked so well for your mother for so long.
> 
> Therefore your fiance has absolutely nothing to lose by laying down the law in no uncertain terms. You both must realize this and take a much stronger stand as a result. He needs to shock and awe her, literally, with his masculine power, and make it clear that the only person who can make your mother happy is HER. Not you, and not him.
> 
> You both must always remember that your mother's tears, guilt trips, snark, and in our case, screaming, are her weapons of choice. Above all else, recognize this is ABUSE. Harden your heart and disallow its power over you. Your mother is not necessarily a bad person, but you must toughen up or else she will continue walking all over you forever. This is about your own life and your own happiness. Her emotional problems are secondary and you must reject those burdens. Either you make your husband and your marriage the top priority, or you will lose everything. There's no going back.
> 
> In effect, you and your fiance must work together to do a 180 on your mother. This way you present a united front, and in addition, proper gender values (I choose this word carefully here, instead of using "roles") are assured. To be clear: you will be showing your husband that you are standing by your man, putting him first because you are standing up to your mother. And, in return, he will be showing you that he is strong and willing to fight in order to protect you. Once the distance results, let him take charge of that space and use his judgment to regulate the boundary between your marriage and your mother for the long term.
> 
> Admittedly, I am not an old man looking back at 50 years of successful marriage to report on what worked for the long term. On the other hand I have done some serious study into this specific problem and committed fully to the approach I describe here. I am confident it is the right thing to do because it gets all the issues out in the open BEFORE the marriage. It allows me to know where everyone stands before I invest in trusting them. It sets expectations all around about who I am, that I will be a strict judge of their behavior, and that I'm not just another chump for them to control. It also prevents her family from sinking their hooks into us gradually over a period of years, then slowly tearing us apart later on as the contradiction between my needs and theirs becomes more distinct.
> 
> In conclusion, compare the approach I describe above to the many sad stories here at TAM about marital problems related to interference from family members. Look closely and you will see that virtually all those stories share a common problem: one spouse putting his/her family ahead of the other spouse and the marriage itself. Therefore, fixing this problem early should pay huge dividends throughout the marriage.
> 
> Best of luck!


Thank you for your well informed answer! I must agree with you that everyone who is contributed to this thread are first class individuals, including you. I am going to stand up to her once and for all and ensure that she quits hurting this family. I have simply had enough. My fiance needs a say in this too and I have learned that he is the only person in my life that has made me feel great about myself and has allowed me to live the life I want to live. I owe it to him to make sure that he is first in this relationship.


----------



## FirstYearDown

You will need to find confidence yourself, instead of depending on your husband to give you self worth. 

Grow your own garden instead of waiting for him to buy you flowers....self love is the most important.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

capricorngirl_99 said:


> You don't sound harsh at all. In fact, many people have told me this. And you are right, I do need to let go of her and letting her stop treating me like complete crap. I deserve better. I am honestly sick of her melodramatic, "woe with me" attitude. She thinks that she is the only person in the world I should have anything to deal with. It really pisses me off.


Just reading your other thread is enough to know , it wouldn't matter who the other MOM was, you would likely gravitate towards her over your own mother.. ..and whose fault is this.... YOUR MOTHERS !! Her treatment of her own daughter, she has slaughtered it --the woman has no healthy boundaries at all - she is not right in the head.. SHe is controlling and hurtful, she wants you to "need her" at every turn, be near dependent on her. So unhealthy, the exact opposite as our role as parents, we are to give our children wings -so they can be on their own...and be happy for them. 

Love the Post by Chrysalis , he spoke about BOUNDARIES....take it all to heart ! He knows of what he speaks. 

I know you are being bombarded by books here, but here is another one about boundaries , one of my personal favorites... 

Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life 

.


----------

