# Please HELP!



## nodespair (Jun 4, 2011)

Hi, thank you for taking the time to read this post. 
My husband left for the 2nd time 2 days ago. I'll give you some details and try not to make it too long. We have been married four years, he's 23 and im 24. When we first started dating, it was great even during our first 2 years of marriage but then we began to argue a lot. He isn't very sociable and that would bug me among other things like being a very picky eater who would hardly ever eat any of the meals I cooked and spent too much money eating out. There are certain habits I would like to teach our daughter and he just seems to do everything the opposite way. Any way those were not our only problems. We would have a disagreement over everything he would withdraw and not say a word and I would say too much even things I didn't mean.
The first time he left for 2 weeks. I found out he was having an "emotional" affair with an ex for nearly 2 months, she claims otherwise. I am not sure what the truth is. 
I think he learned his lesson as far as cheating. When he came back things were perfect he was really trying and then he stopped being affectionate and it felt like he didn't even want to be around me. 
So he hasn't slept at home for 2 nights, tonight will be the third. Yesterday he asked me to have coffee. We talked but I feel we are in the same spot. He acted sweet like when were dating. Today we took our daughter out and he was affectionate he even told me he missed me. He asks me not to cry and always asks if I'm ok. I didn't sleep in our bed the first night or second night and he asked me to sleep in our bed tonight. I am just so confused. Today he said he will come back and I told him I would wait but not too long. I just don't know what the hell. Can someone please offer me some insight. I am pretty sure there isn't another woman. Can it be that we got married so young he was 19 almost 20 and he's just maturing into a different person, I don't understand. I just want it to stop hurting. Thank you for reading this and in advance thank you for your reply.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

I was married the first time at 20 and we were divorced by the time we were 25. You do so much growing and changing from 20-28, I know I wasn't the same person and neither was my H, which is why we ended it.

I'm not saying this is what is in store for you, because every marriage is different.

Just in reading your post you sound controlling. Trust me, it takes one to know one, I was the same exact way.
You have to ask yourself if you want to be right or do you want to be married?

It sounds like your problems are solve able, but you both need to be willing. Have you discussed marriage counseling?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nodespair (Jun 4, 2011)

Yes I can be quite controlling. I know that is something I really need to work on and I am. I have not asked him about marriage counseling because I feel he will say no but I think I might suggest it. Right now I am trying to give him space. I think maybe thats what he wants although he won't say it. 

Thanks so much for your reply. It took me by surprise when you said I sounded controlling because you are right! I am so glad for this site because it helps to connect to people going through the same or who already have been through this so all this advice might help by setting me in the right direction. It also gives me something to read since I can't sleep at night!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

In my opinion, yes, you did get married too young.
He is not ready for a committment, it seems. He has to want it. 

My advice: stop chasing after him and crying. If he wants out, tell him you will let him go. 

Him w/drawing from you everytime you disagree = very immature. 

Elaborate on the EA. Was he or wasn't it? What things did you find out?

My advice is to protect yourself. Tell him you either want a 100% committment or you won't be waiting around for him to decide.

Where is he staying?

Delinquent is so right about the age thing. I met my husband at 23 and we just got divorced (I'm 30 now). I am not at all the same person I was then. I feel like I grew up with him and yet grew apart from him if that makes sense.


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## nodespair (Jun 4, 2011)

Jellybeans, there WAS an affair. He says they were only talking so it would be an emotional affair? However, she contacted me and she says they were intimate. I am not sure who to believe because I feel if I were her I would lie too just because I would be really pissed but of course I also want to believe that they didn't have sex. Whether it's true or not I think he did have sex with her just to err on the side of caution.
He is staying with his parents.
To be honest, I am not sure if I want this anymore I kinda feel relieved without him, thats the same word he used to describe being way from me. I think about him coming home and all the stress and pressure that would bring and I don't want it. However, at the same time I want to feel like there will always be someone I can count on who will love me no matter what. Someone to sleep with at night and cuddle with. I am so confused. To be even more honest, I am scared of what people will say, my family in specfic who told me not to get married so young and who I didn't listen too. 
I think I am begininng to understand what you mean by grew up with and apart from. I love him a lot and I feel like he has taught me so much. He has changed a great deal and although I feel I have not changed he says I have which I probably have. I hope this separation is for the best. The first time he left I learned what heartbreak felt like, I had panic attacks, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, would pace and I was so scared, I was also really upset about him cheating. This time it's like I expected it and I am stronger I am actually able to function but it still hurts like hell. Especially because we have a child together. 
I want to ask him for 100% committment but I am scared of his answer, I will ask him once I have built up the stength to watch him walk away for good. Thank you for your comment.


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