# Hesitating



## AspieWife123 (Aug 5, 2016)

so my husband and I have had a 5 week in-house separation. We are both in our late 20s and have been married just under 2 years. My husband was recently diagnosed with Aspergers, which gives and explanation and understanding to some of the problems we have been having, but is also frightening because that means MANY of the emotional/social/and relationship issues we have been having cannot really be fixed or changed. 

The advice i have received from our couples counsellor and anything i have been able to read online about Aspergers and non Aspergers ( nurotypical ) state that if i plan to stay i need to lower my expectations of the relationship, treat it more like a business partnership, and essentially be as independent as possible.

These issues combined with a recent exposure of a lie my husband has told ( see my post in reconciliation for details) has led me to pack my bags.
My bags have been packed and ready by the door for 4 weeks, and I have begun making travel arrangements for myself and my cats. 

Now that I am here ready to pull the trigger and book the airfare i find myself hesitating. I have felt strongly for over a month now that this relationship cannot work and that i want and deserve better. I am just feeling a little panicked about really making it real and leaving him. I am in a foreign country without any friends family or support, and am really struggling to follow through..... 

he knows things aren't sunshine and rainbows obviously, and in our couples session yesterday i said multiple times that i felt that it would be best to just dissolve the relationship, but the counsellor told me that with time i will see a way to forgive him, and that i should not feed into his abandonment issues. now my head is spinning like I am some horrible person for wanting out..... 

I have no idea how to tell him and when to tell him, do i book my tickets and then let him know it is happening, do i say something now even though i would not be able to abscond for another week?  or if i should just back of and unpack.

comments please....


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

You have a bad counsellor. How dare they guilt you into staying. His abandonment issues are his problem. You staying in an empty marriage does not solve that issue. 

Your head, heart and gut are all telling you to leave. Listen to them.

Book the tickets. Then tell him. Once back in home country after a physical separation you can always go back. 

If he tell him now without tickets in hand you will back down.

BTW. Did you expect different advice than your other thread? Stick to one thread. You will get better advice that way. Just add to the story with new posts.


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## Feeling lost and lonely (Dec 15, 2015)

Since you are from a different country could immigration have an issue how you leave just incase you would want to go back? Just something to check. 
I think you should leave, living in a empty marriage is no life if you can get out. Any kids? 

Sent from my LGL52VL using Tapatalk


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

AspieWife123 said:


> so my husband and I have had a 5 week in-house separation. We are both in our late 20s and have been married just under 2 years.
> 
> 
> he knows things aren't sunshine and rainbows obviously, and in our couples session yesterday i said multiple times that i felt that it would be best to just dissolve the relationship, but the counsellor told me that with time i will see a way to forgive him, and that i should not feed into his abandonment issues. now my head is spinning like I am some horrible person for wanting out.....


You are free to be with or without someone with psych disorders. I dont understand why the counselor is telling you what to feel. Psychology doesn't work that way....



> I have no idea how to tell him and when to tell him, do i book my tickets and then let him know it is happening, do i say something now even though i would not be able to abscond for another week?  or if i should just back of and unpack.
> 
> comments please....


Yes you do. You do know how to. If you want out, then say you want out and then act on it. Stop thinking that you can make it a comfortable decision. It will be hard, but it is the outcome you seem to want. So go do it. If you want to be with him, then work on yourself and you'll have to learn how to cope with a less than fulfilling relationship.

Make it simple!!!!! 
1. "I want out"
2. Get out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Your counselor is WAY out of line! I cannot believe you were told to basically suck it up. You need to get out. You also need a new counselor!


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I just read your other post to catch myself up.

You were deceived in a bait and switch situation. Leave now before things get worse or a pregnancy happens.

Close this chapter, learn from it, and find true happiness. I wish you the best.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

AW, you keep posting the same questions and getting the SAME responses from everyone that you need to GET OUT. How many more ways can everyone say this to you? Are you looking for that ONE person who will agree that you must stay with him??


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## AspieWife123 (Aug 5, 2016)

So, I have made arrangements for my 2 cats and myself to fly back to my parents house. He and i have no children together or major shared assets. It feels relieving to have the tickets made, but i didn't get out until next week. Now i just have to break the final news to him that plans are made and that i am taking the kitties. I don't really know whats best in this situation. should i tell him right now and sit awkwardly for the week? Do I wait until the day before or day of so i can have a quick escape without a lot of potential drama? or maybe thats just cowardly.....My Mother told me to lie and say that I just want a test separation for now even though i feel done so that way he will be less likely to confrontational, i feel strange about lying.

I appreciate everyones responses, I'm sorry if i posted too many similar threads, i don't really know how these sites normally run. I really struggle with confidence and follow through, and trusting my own decisions, so to frame it in different ways and see that the responses were essentially unanimous was important for me. Thank you for your comments.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

AspieWife123 said:


> I really struggle with confidence and follow through, and trusting my own decisions, so to frame it in different ways and see that the responses were essentially unanimous was important for me. Thank you for your comments.


You don't need unanimous opinion! What you do need is to decide for yourself, what is the best choice to achieve the best outcome for you.


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## AspieWife123 (Aug 5, 2016)

Personal said:


> You don't need unanimous opinion! What you do need is to decide for yourself, what is the best choice to achieve the best outcome for you.




I did decide for myself, or I would not have made the travel plans, I was just saying that i found it helpful to hear other people validate what i was thinking in my head, especially because of the ways that I struggle and the fact that these types of relationships ending are highly emotional and can be incredibly confusing when you have heart vs head. If folks didn't want advice or opinions from others these forums would not even exist. Please don't make me feel bad for using it to help me sort my own thoughts.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

AspieWife123 said:


> I did decide for myself, or I would not have made the travel plans, I was just saying that i found it helpful to hear other people validate what i was thinking in my head, especially because of the ways that I struggle and the fact that these types of relationships ending are highly emotional and can be incredibly confusing when you have heart vs head. If folks didn't want advice or opinions from others these forums would not even exist. Please don't make me feel bad for using it to help me sort my own thoughts.




You did good. 

Don't let the thread end. We are here to support you now and for as long as you need. Keep posting.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

AspieWife123 said:


> I did decide for myself, or I would not have made the travel plans, I was just saying that i found it helpful to hear other people validate what i was thinking in my head, especially because of the ways that I struggle and the fact that these types of relationships ending are highly emotional and can be incredibly confusing when you have heart vs head.


I was encouraging you to think for yourself rather than doubt yourself.




AspieWife123 said:


> If folks didn't want advice or opinions from others these forums would not even exist. Please don't make me feel bad for using it to help me sort my own thoughts.


If that makes you feel bad, I encourage you to get some sort of counselling or psychological help to figure out why you think someone encouraging you to stand up for yourself makes you feel bad.

Get well soon.


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## AspieWife123 (Aug 5, 2016)

Personal said:


> I was encouraging you to think for yourself rather than doubt yourself.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Sometimes reading things online instead of hearing them lets you miss tone and intention. I felt like you were giving me a hard time for finding it helpful that folks felt the same way I did in my head, or implying that I should not need to be posting.Sorry if i misread your intent as judgment, it just came across that way. And thanks for the advice, I am not unaware of my self esteem issues and do seek help for them


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## AspieWife123 (Aug 5, 2016)

I guess what I am looking for at this point is just some advice on timing for breaking the hard news to him. I leave mid next week, and i want to minimize awkward uncomfortable time in the house together or him having an opportunity to try and get in my way, while also respecting his right to know what is going on.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

AspieWife123 said:


> So, I have made arrangements for my 2 cats and myself to fly back to my parents house. He and i have no children together or major shared assets. It feels relieving to have the tickets made, but i didn't get out until next week. Now i just have to break the final news to him that plans are made and that i am taking the kitties. I don't really know whats best in this situation. should i tell him right now and sit awkwardly for the week? Do I wait until the day before or day of so i can have a quick escape without a lot of potential drama? or maybe thats just cowardly.....My Mother told me to lie and say that I just want a test separation for now even though i feel done so that way he will be less likely to confrontational, i feel strange about lying.
> 
> I appreciate everyones responses, I'm sorry if i posted too many similar threads, i don't really know how these sites normally run. I really struggle with confidence and follow through, and trusting my own decisions, so to frame it in different ways and see that the responses were essentially unanimous was important for me. Thank you for your comments.


Awesome, good for you! Step one toward a happier life for yourself. Now as far as what/when to tell him.. that will depend on your comfort level, really. Consider your mom's advice, would he cope better thinking this is a trial separation? Would that make your getaway easier on you? I know you said you didn't want to lie. Also consider how you will be treated once he is aware of your plans... if you think he will try to beg and fight for you not to leave, then maybe you leave telling him til the very last minute as you walk out. If you feel he will back off and give you both space, then you can give him more notice. Only you can gauge that, we have no idea how he reacts in different situations. 

Stay strong, we are rooting for you!


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

This is a first for me but I agree with your counselor. Yes, in time you will be able to forgive him. Marriage is tough and you agreed to marry this guy...with all his faults. You're finding now it will require you to do some things that you may just not want to do at times. Unpack your bags and work toward forgiving.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

AspieWife123 said:


> but the counsellor told me that with time i will see a way to forgive him, and that i should not feed into his abandonment issues.


You leave him counselor doesn't get paid. Just saying.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

AspieWife123 said:


> I guess what I am looking for at this point is just some advice on timing for breaking the hard news to him. I leave mid next week, and i want to minimize awkward uncomfortable time in the house together or him having an opportunity to try and get in my way, while also respecting his right to know what is going on.


You need to separate yourself from him emotionally. So tell him when it give you the best chance to do that. If that means the day before so be it. All that is required of you is to tell him, not when. Though I do think doing it in person is the nicer thing to do.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

This is so painful.

But solvable :-} You are only 2 years into this journey. A short time.

Your bags are packed, your mind is made up, and you have most of the weight [on the fair-balance scale] on your side.

Leave him. Leave him and post-deposit no feelings of hatred or pity. He is what he is. He did not create himself.

He has enough baggage to carry in this life. Do not break his mortal back.

With mercy on him and a painful heart in your chest, unleash and live on... initially alone....then, soon, to live another more rewarding saga.

Good Luck. Dear


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

jb02157 said:


> This is a first for me but I agree with your counselor. Yes, in time you will be able to forgive him. Marriage is tough and you agreed to marry this guy...with all his faults. You're finding now it will require you to do some things that you may just not want to do at times. Unpack your bags and work toward forgiving.




With respect JB, a quick check of your thread says you have been married for 24 years, all unhappily. OP is unhappy. Is it better she waits another 20 years before she leaves? There are many issues here, not just one to rug sweep. 

Yes she agreed to marry him. But as new previous purposefully hidden problems are discovered she is not obligated to stay. 

She needs to get to a safe place. Back home and in country. Once safe she can reflect on her future.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

@jld 's input would be helpful here.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Do you have any fear of his reaction when/if you tell him in person? Could you have someone with you?

Otherwise, you could just leave a note on the table, or better yet, to be delivered to him after your plane has departed. If you have any fears at all, that is what I would do.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

jb02157 said:


> This is a first for me but I agree with your counselor. Yes, in time you will be able to forgive him. Marriage is tough and you agreed to marry this guy...with all his faults. You're finding now it will require you to do some things that you may just not want to do at times. Unpack your bags and work toward forgiving.


Wow, seriously?? Did you read what he did?? 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation/345058-should-i-reconcile.html

This isn't a dumb little lie about not paying the cable bill or something. Terrible thing to advise in this instance....


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> Wow, seriously?? Did you read what he did??
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation/345058-should-i-reconcile.html
> 
> This isn't a dumb little lie about not paying the cable bill or something. Terrible thing to advise in this instance....


I agree with 3X....RUN!


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## AspieWife123 (Aug 5, 2016)

Well everyone I broke the news yesterday. I framed things more as a separation than a finality, but also let him know that i didn't hold out much hope, there was just no other way to know for sure how we both feel without taking the space, I even pointed out how his personal therapy for his trauma may go easier when he has more personal space and does not have to worry about me and my stuff.

He took it well all things considered and does not seem to be getting in my way. He is just very sad. He did start giving me a bit of a hard time about the costs even though it will not impact our/his accounts as I am cobbling what I need together from other sources. He was angry that I would not tell him more about where i was getting them money, i just assured him it would not impact him financially. He then went on and on about how when we first got engaged that I told him that my deal breakers were cheating and beating, and that we would work anything else out. He began to call me a liar for not honouring that. I told him that those were things that were a given, no questions asked, relationship enders, things I knew before ever knowing him that if he did I would leave. That deal breakers were not permission to just do whatever he wanted thinking I would not leave. He said that he thought thats exactly what it meant, that we would work it out no matter what as long as it was not cheating or beating ( the literal taking is an Aspergers trait). We had a semi big fight over the nature of the deal-breaker statement and I told him That the past several months of therapy, and past two years of me bringing up the issues/ changes that needed to happen and explicitly letting him know that he was starting to lose me was "working it out". I reminded him that it was his dishonesty that was uncovered when I got that letter in the mail, and that is what pushed me to a point of no longer working on our other issues. We agreed to set it aside for the sake of not arguing, but it for sure shook me up and made me feel horrible.

Anyway, now I just play the waiting game. The kittens get out on Wednesday morning, I am in limbo a bit as I am relying on my flight attendant aunt to arrange a family pass for me and she can be kinda flakey so fingers crossed. Using a travel pass Cuts the cost almost entirely, but I have to fly standby and may be spending some extra days either here at the house or bumming in an airport. 

Any tips on how to deal with the stress and anxiety of just waiting to go? I am fresh out of phone calls and arrangements and packing. Im all ready and just waiting for kitty Wednesday/green lights from my auntie and I feel incredibly cooped up and a little crazy. The anxiety is enormous, walks and baths don't even seem to help which are my normal de-srtesseers. He keeps telling me how much he misses me, he has been asking for hugs ( sometimes give sometimes don't), or he will look around the empty-ish apartment and talk about how lonely he is going to be and then looks at me and cries. I want so badly to reach out, i just don't want things to get confusing emotionally so I try to just say that I'm sorry, let him know that I'm hurting too, and remind him it seems for the best.

Thanks again for all the encouragement and advice. I knew what I needed to to and this as helped me muster the confidence to make it happen.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

@AspieWife123, how are you doing?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

AspieWife, what country is your husband from/living in ?


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