# "I love you deeply, but I'm not in love with you anymore"



## Cru J (Jun 4, 2010)

Hello,

I'm new to this forum. Like most people probably, I've come here b/c my marriage seems to be over, and I feel like my life is falling apart, and I guess I just needed to reach out, b/c family and friends would be shocked to know what's going on....I don't even believe it....

About two weeks ago, my wife of six years, whom I've been with for eleven years, and with whom I have two wonderul and adorable kids around 5 and 2 years old, told me that while I'm a wonderful father and that she loves me "deeply", she was not in love with me anymore. She has no feelings for me.....She says we can go to counseling if I want to, and that we "have to try", but she kind of says it robotically.....

I knew there were some issues, but NOTHING this bad.....It really has thrown me completely off. The way it just came out so suddenly (to me) and how resigned she seems. I find it difficult to work, I cry around my kids some times. And my wife refuses to talk about it.....She says she is tired and, after trying for so long, she is just so tired. She tells me how work is so busy these days, that she just wants to relax.

Will couples therapy actually have a chance to work? Can her feelings change? Can I make myself better for her and for me? Can this relationship recover from what she said???

She says that she wants to try, but that she's not sure, and then she spends a long, long time talking about how she hopes will remain cordial for the kids.

I am so confused.

Thanks for reading.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She is cheating, either emotionally or physically.

Women her age don't just break up marriages unless someone else is giving her hope that he will replace you.

Install a keylogger on her computer and check her phone records to see who she is contacting nonstop. You'll find one name or number.


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## Cru J (Jun 4, 2010)

turnera said:


> She is cheating, either emotionally or physically.
> 
> Women her age don't just break up marriages unless someone else is giving her hope that he will replace you.
> 
> Install a keylogger on her computer and check her phone records to see who she is contacting nonstop. You'll find one name or number.




Geesh........I don't know you and what your views usually are (I haven't spent enough time on the forum), but I see you have a lot of posts, so, I suppose you have valued views on this forum.

She's 32, I'm 35. I asked her fairly early on if she's met someone, and she says definitely no. I asked her again the other day, and she said no. I believe her. 

I've asked her what she wants, and she says that while we raise the kids well and they are doing great, she knows some day they will be older and then we'll be left the two of us. And that we'll have nothing in common then, and that life is long and that she needs to be happy.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Of course she says no. Do you think she's going to tell you the truth? She is now addicted to the thrill she's getting from another man, and telling you the truth would mean she'd have to give up that 'high' she gets from sneaking around with him, either virtually or physically.

Look up infidelity. Look up the 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' phenomenon - also called the ILYBINILWY phenomenon. It happens SO OFTEN with people in affairs that it is practically science; it is, in fact, written in book after book after book. It translates to "I love you but I want to keep seeing OM so I'm going to not tell you the truth and let you think we've just fallen out of love; that way, I get to keep seeing OM and I don't have to admit any adultery to you."

fwiw, at this point, you have a fair chance of stopping the affair and fixing your marriage so she's more in love with you than ever. 

But it will never happen while the OM is in the picture because she's getting her 'heroin fix' from him, and once she's in it, it trumps _everything_.

Like I said, snoop and look for one number, over and over. That will be who she's met.


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## Cru J (Jun 4, 2010)

I don't know.....I find it hard to believe that a mother of two darling kids, the person I love, would be actively cheating....And, if she were passively/emotionally cheating, I don't see how someone could throw away 11 years, 2 kids, a future, "just like that". I could see her complaining about the marriage, but saying that our couple is "dead"? And not wanting our kids to have two parents? I think it goes deeper.....

She says we can do therapy if I want to, and she acknowledges this will take some time.....If she's running to another man, I don't see why she'd be doing this. 

She's not a monster.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Cru,
Turnera might have been a bit blunt. Her posts are always to the point so don't take offense to her. She does however usually nail it. The I love you but not in love with you is textbook emotional or physical affair from both women and men. The idea behind it is "this other person makes me feel so great about myself" the "high" if you will that they assume that is love. Kind of that rush when you first start to date someone you care about. They assume that since that "high" no longer exists in their marriage that they are not "in love" anymore. Nothing could be further from the truth though. Love has so many stages and it is only the beginning stage that is the high. A person engaged in an affair doesn't realize this though so they come home one day and make their proclamation. It is entirely possible that no affair is going on and something else is happening. Depression, hormones. Lot's of possibilities but I will be real honest here, Turnera is more than likely right.
You ask how could a mother of 2 adorable children cheat? I ask my sister in law that question often. She is the mother of a 6 and 4 year old and is actively having an online affair that has spanned 2 years now. My brother in law is aware of it and has done just about everything to get her to end it. It is really heartbreaking and cruel. I have zero respect for her now. 
Please listen to Turnera about keylogger or a VAR (voice activated recorder) for her car. I know this all sounds a bit far fetched and hopefully we are WAY off but please protect yourself and start sleuthing. I want to be wrong about this but being on this forum and others you see that declaration all the time. There is almost always somebody else in the picture.


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

I have to agree with turnera and brennan. I have been separated for 7 months and the same thing happened to me too. 11 years married, 2 kids, didn't see it coming. First thing I asked was about an affair. He denied over and over. He agreed to see a marriage therapist- we went 4 times, a complete waste. He argued that he just couldn't try to work it out and had lost all feelings for me. He then said awful things to me for months and re-wrote our entire history together. He also refused to see that him leaving had any effect on our young children. After 4 months I discovered the affair- from my 9 year old! He denies it to this day. I wish I had discovered it sooner. There is good advice here about what to do next.


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## questions (May 7, 2010)

Hi Cru,
I might be a minority or exception here, but I came to this site a month ago for the exact same reason that your wife is claiming to you. I've never cheated on my H and never had any affairs, period. I have a 3-year old DD who means the world to me and whom I would never harm with my own actions. I came here because I was disillusioned about my marriage. My H never cheated to my understanding, and I didn't harbor any resentment toward him. I had so wanted to be in love with my H but I didn't succeed, and after 8 years of marriage, I had given up hopes that I would ever be. Like your W, I honestly wanted to find someone with whom I would be more compatible and be in love.

I'm not sure what your wife's thinking or feeling. Other people here could be right, and she could be having an affair. On the other hand, she could be like myself, just seeking to be happy but not necessarily having an affair. Either case simply indicates to me that she's not happy in her current relationship.

In my own case, I found the inspiration that I needed to turn my own relationship around, and I am happy to report that I'm in love with my H for the first time, finally. The good news is that it could happen, but as you know everyone is different... My husband didn't do anything. He stayed exactly the way he has always been, and I just changed the way I perceived him. It was very important to me to be able to have the open communications with my H throughout this period. It's when I stopped communicating my feelings, needs, etc, that I lost all my feelings toward him. Even though I sometimes refuse to accept, I also know that there are no perfect men out there, and all relationships are what we put into. 

The only thing you can do now is giving her safety, room and space to honestly and openly discuss her feelings and thoughts. It's much easier said than done. It will be very hard not to get defensive, take things personally, or become angry when you listen. However, that might be the only way to help her and yourself find out what's really going on and how you can help. She must have taken many years to get where she is now and be totally disillusioned by now, but anything is possible at a given moment. I really hope that you can stay strong and calm. You can choose to focus on building your inner strength rather than things you can't control, such as what she might be feeling or doing now.

I sincerely wish you the best and will send you my prayers!


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Questions,
You bring up a great point. Certainly she could just be missing a piece of her marriage and a connection and that is making her unhappy. I really hope that is the case (sorry if that sounds odd). We are talking that or an affair. I believe that if two people get married who were never compatible it is plausible that she could come home one day and say what she did. Perhaps it is depression and she is not happy with herself and therefore projecting that on her husband. (i.e. I don't love you anymore because I don't love me anymore). That is fixable. Very fixable. Sadly though, I have heard it too many times on this board and others that usually the "I love but not in love with you" wording is because they have somebody else. Not all, most most of the time.
Not to t/j but can I ask you a question, Questions: why did you marry your husband if you weren't in love with him? Not judging it just struck me as being odd. Kuddos on getting your marriage back on track!


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

She's not having an affair, and Tunera's wrong more than she's right.

Google "walkaway wife syndrome". It's Oprah level pop psychology, but it'll be an eye opener.

She's not coming back. They never do. I know. I'm there right now.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

T/J.....
Cody,
I have read so many of your posts and I feel your pain. I really do. You deserve so, so much better. 
I do respectfully disagree with you on this though. Yes, walkaway wife syndrome is real but they have only been married for 6 years. That seems a tad too soon to be walking away. Isn't it normally at 15- 20 years? Not sure. The whole ILYBNILWY smacks of an affair. Again, as I posted it could be depression, hormones, you name it. I hope that is what it is and not an affair.
Lastly, why the anger towards Tunera? She speaks her mind and at least for me, puts things in to perspective. From what I have read she has also been married for 30 + years. Her advice rings true with me. Why do you think she is wrong?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The point is, this is like trying to pay your water bill when they're about to repossess your home. If you don't know the bill collector's coming, you're wasting your money paying the water bill.

All I am saying is to spend a couple weeks checking out if there's an affair. After two weeks, if you see nothing suspicious, stop snooping and then focus on what you can fix in your marriage.

If there IS an affair, any work you do to fix your marriage is a total waste of time. Read Surviving an Affair and you'll understand how your wife COULD do this.

I hope she's not. But I also don't want you spinning your wheels if she is, because time is of the essence.


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## questions (May 7, 2010)

Brenan,
I am sure that I had been in love with my H at one time but lost that feeling a while back so I no longer remembered. It's the small things in life that get piled up over time, such as misunderstandings, feeling disconnected, small fights, feeling of hurt, etc, and hearts hardening in self-defense subconsciously . In my case, I think that the barrier went up fairly early on in my relationship, but since I didn't do it on conscious level, I just didn't know. Since I felt misunderstood and disconnected, I didn't share what was going inside me with my H, and I can really related to having NO feelings left (i.e. no anger, no resentment, no love, etc). After my conscious level willingness and commitment to love him (after being inspired by someone here), my feelings followed. People don't give themselves much credit, but I think that we all have far more power to manifest our own realities than we realize. 

It's my little hope that some people also find a reason for hope, peace and resolve to remain positive. Wishing best for all!


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

T/J.....
Questions,
Your post is wonderful and it is fantastic to hear that you are working on your marriage.


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## Cru J (Jun 4, 2010)

Thank you all so much for your words of support and advice to a complete stranger like me. Thank you, "questions", in particular, for bringing another perspective on this, only because I'm not ready to get all FBI/CIA on my wife. I trust her. I love her. We are together every evening at home or at her parents or out at our increasingly rare "dates"....I just don't see how she could be cheating. And, well, even if she were, that wouldn't be so different from what she said, about us having a "dead couple" and that she doesn't have feelings for me at this time.....Would her cheating be that different? No, not to me, it's over either way. And emotional cheating isn't "cheating" to me, if she still wants to try and save our couple.

I am planning on seeing someone in conjunction with the marriage therapist, as there are clearly things I have to work on, too, to be a better person and husband (be it with my wife or someone else some day....). 

I am still young at 35. Yes, I have been in the same relationship for 11 years (6 years of marriage), but, I don't think that makes me "tainted goods" to other wonderful women. It only takes one (or, I guess, sometimes two, LOL!). I deserve as much happiness as my wife. I just hope with every atom of my being that our happiness will be from being together. Not for the kids, for us.

Feeling that she has slipped away right under my nose without me noticing is just so hard to process, to understand, to come to grips with, but, I have to, both for me and for us. 

It's very hard not to want to go too fast....To buy flowers, to make date plans, to be charming.....I just don't want to come off as fake. I should have been doing this all along.

Anyway, thank you for reading and commenting.....I don't have others to talk to. It just feels to "personal" and raw to talk to my parents, sister or friends.....Especially if we figure things out and stay together.........


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

Cru J said:


> I knew there were some issues, but NOTHING this bad.....It really has thrown me completely off. The way it just came out so suddenly (to me) and how resigned she seems. I find it difficult to work, I cry around my kids some times. And my wife refuses to talk about it.....She says she is tired and, after trying for so long, she is just so tired. She tells me how work is so busy these days, that she just wants to relax.



I too hope that there is no affair and, for me, her saying that after trying for so long, she is just so tired is a good indicator that there is not another man involved. 

You said you were not aware that anything was majorly wrong. However, if she felt things weren't right and spent much time and effort in trying to improve things and you did not respond or notice, this I'm sure could lead to her concluding that there is no hope for the future for the two of you - hence she's tried and she's tired. 

For example, now in hindsight, ask yourself if she has tried to improve communication with you and what was the result? If you can identify areas where she has tried to initiate changes and you have not responded, or not responded consistently, do let her know now and be specific. If she knows that, albeit belatedly, you now realise she was making an effort and that you ignored her efforts, were indifferent to them or took things for granted, AND that you will strive not to repeat same in the future and will indeed make efforts yourself, then this might be a starting point for changing things around.


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## Julie19 (Jun 5, 2010)

Cru J and all,

I just joined this community and this is where I am starting because there is a lot here that resonates with where I am in my relationship. Married almost 14 years, and though off to a reasonably good start (according to the cultural/religious status expectations), we didn't grow together for a number of reasons. Lack of communication being a really big one. Well, he moved out in December so we could both have a break from the tension that has been building for a very long time and have time to regain (or gain) perspective on our own lives, individually. 

Long story short, he moved back in last weekend and things are certainly a whole lot better. I love my husband deeply, but I don't feel "in love" with him. So, the answer for me to discover over this next period of time is, "Save the marriage by investing a lot of effort (and will that create a deeper relationship than we have experienced thus far and fulfill, within reason, our particular needs) or take the best of what we have and let the relationship grow as it will, but go our separate ways and take our own paths towards fulfilling our lives...whatever that means to each of us.

I wish all the best and thank all for sharing. It is encouraging.


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## questions (May 7, 2010)

Hi Cru,
I'm so happy to hear that you want to work on yourself for your own self growth, rather than trying to change yourself for the goal of keeping her. I personally don't believe that trying to change oneself for others work. It will give you much needed strength and inner guidance to navigate life, especially in tough times like the one you face now.

It might be wise not to bring other family members into your current situation as you don't want to taint their relationship with you two if things work out. 

As you explore your inner world, please be gentle, especially to yourself. There are no guarantees that your wife will see the efforts and changes that you're going through, but you will be much happier knowing that you are working on becoming a better person, regardless of the outcome. When you gain the inner strength, you'll be in much better position to truly listen, understand and empathize with your W, without necessarily blaming or hating yourself (or her) in the process. 

I'll be cheering for your progress on the side. Most people, including myself, just want to be helpful. Wishing you the best!


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## helpplease (May 20, 2010)

I will speak from experience. She is having emotional or physical affair as said earlier.
I received the same news from my wife. It took me almost 3 months to finally get it figured out. I did not want to jump to conclusions.
I was told countless times that she did not want to talk about it. Not until I had all the evidence did I force the talk issue.
My wife was using her blackberry and was quite sneaky in covering her tracks.
I feel for you bro, it is a terrible feeling you are going through. I have a long building road ahead of me and can only hope to rekindle our marriage, but it is oh so hard.
Best of luck and keep searching.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Cru J said:


> I knew there were some issues, but NOTHING this bad.....It really has thrown me completely off. The way it just came out so suddenly (to me) and how resigned she seems. I find it difficult to work, I cry around my kids some times. And my wife refuses to talk about it.....She says she is tired and, after trying for so long, she is just so tired. She tells me how work is so busy these days, that she just wants to relax.
> 
> Will couples therapy actually have a chance to work? Can her feelings change? Can I make myself better for her and for me? Can this relationship recover from what she said???


I don't think you are looking at the likelihood of her cheating in the right frame of mind. An emotional affair is cheating. I know you cannot imagine and don't see any opportunity or signs of her having an affair with someone, but I'd like you to consider that an affair is not necessarily physical. It doesn't mean she is slipping around corners to meet a man. So, you may not see any signs since you always know where she is. Emotional attachment to someone else simply means she is giving her time, attention, and heart to someone other than you. She may never have seen this person in the flesh but communicates with him on the phone and internet simply because she likes the attention, affirmations, and overall good feeling she receives from their exchanges. What makes it an (emotional) affair is 1) there should be no one to whom she gives her time, attention, and heart to but you, 2) just like she should respectfully reject another man's attentions in the flesh, she shouldn't allow it in virtual life either, and 3) there is the betrayal in that she is hiding her activities and also has not made you aware of this person with whom she spends so much time. Therefore, it is cheating just the same as if she were sleeping with another man.

I don't really think she is having an emotional affair. I just wanted to explain what it is since you dismissed the possibility but with the expected signs of a physical affair. What I really think is going on is Walk Away Wife Syndrome.

Someone already posted a link to Walk Away Wife Syndrome. I don't know if you clicked and read it, but you should. What you describe and everything you say in the first paragraph that I quoted here is exactly symptomatic. 

Yes, I think marriage counseling can be of tremendous help, but I know there is more that needs to be done. Someone suggested you not work on yourself to keep her, but I wholeheartedly disagree because what you describe means precisely that you should change things and/or change the way you are if you want to keep her. Plus, soooo many things you have stated, including.......



Cru J said:


> It's very hard not to want to go too fast....To buy flowers, to make date plans, to be charming.....I just don't want to come off as fake. I should have been doing this all along.


.......really makes me think it is that way of thinking that brought your marriage to this point. So yes, absolutely you have to change for HER if you want to try to save your marriage. Alas, there are also a number of things you stated and a number of things you have not stated that makes me wonder if you want to save your marriage. I don't think I am the only one who gets that feeling because absolutely no one has responded with the usual suggestions for remedy. If I'm right and you have given up wanting to try to save things, then I wonder if your wife feels you are lazy and easily gives up. Sounds like a husband of a walk away wife. I hope that's not you and we are able to offer some suggestions, but we need you to indicate you want them.


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## Cru J (Jun 4, 2010)

Advocado said:


> I too hope that there is no affair and, for me, her saying that after trying for so long, she is just so tired is a good indicator that there is not another man involved.
> 
> You said you were not aware that anything was majorly wrong. However, if she felt things weren't right and spent much time and effort in trying to improve things and you did not respond or notice, this I'm sure could lead to her concluding that there is no hope for the future for the two of you - hence she's tried and she's tired.
> 
> For example, now in hindsight, ask yourself if she has tried to improve communication with you and what was the result? If you can identify areas where she has tried to initiate changes and you have not responded, or not responded consistently, do let her know now and be specific. If she knows that, albeit belatedly, you now realise she was making an effort and that you ignored her efforts, were indifferent to them or took things for granted, AND that you will strive not to repeat same in the future and will indeed make efforts yourself, then this might be a starting point for changing things around.




Thanks for your thoughts.

Yes, as I look back on recent history (6-9 months or so), I guess there were times when she was trying to do things for me, make our couple seem more real.....I definitely did not react appropriately, especially if she was doing it out of desparation or frustration, but it's not because I didn't love her or don't want to be with her. I want to. She is the woman of my life. I love her. 

What I don't get is why she didn't SAY anything, and let it build up to where we're at now.....Now that I'm aware, I can see how much she doesn't like me. It's overwhelming. I didn't see it before. That's my fault, and I will try to work on that, but, why didn't she SAY anything? 

Why would she jeapordize all that we've done and our kids over "trying" on her own and, when it didn't go right, lay down the gauntlet in such an intense way. To get my attention? Or, is it really over?


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## Cru J (Jun 4, 2010)

Julie19 said:


> Cru J and all,
> 
> I just joined this community and this is where I am starting because there is a lot here that resonates with where I am in my relationship. Married almost 14 years, and though off to a reasonably good start (according to the cultural/religious status expectations), we didn't grow together for a number of reasons. Lack of communication being a really big one. Well, he moved out in December so we could both have a break from the tension that has been building for a very long time and have time to regain (or gain) perspective on our own lives, individually.
> 
> ...



Thanks for your post. 

Everyone is different, so I can only comment on what's going on in my life, but, it's precisely this situation that she says she wants to avoid....She's through "forcing it" and worrying that she doesn't feel "in love" with me, but that she does "love me deeply". 

How to get that back? And, even if we go through counseling, how will I know this won't happen again? I tell myself I will be more vigilent, I will work harder, I want to have a happy life with my wife. What if she doesn't feel the same thing?


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## Cru J (Jun 4, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> I don't think you are looking at the likelihood of her cheating in the right frame of mind. An emotional affair is cheating. I know you cannot imagine and don't see any opportunity or signs of her having an affair with someone, but I'd like you to consider that an affair is not necessarily physical. It doesn't mean she is slipping around corners to meet a man. So, you may not see any signs since you always know where she is. Emotional attachment to someone else simply means she is giving her time, attention, and heart to someone other than you. She may never have seen this person in the flesh but communicates with him on the phone and internet simply because she likes the attention, affirmations, and overall good feeling she receives from their exchanges. What makes it an (emotional) affair is 1) there should be no one to whom she gives her time, attention, and heart to but you, 2) just like she should respectfully reject another man's attentions in the flesh, she shouldn't allow it in virtual life either, and 3) there is the betrayal in that she is hiding her activities and also has not made you aware of this person with whom she spends so much time. Therefore, it is cheating just the same as if she were sleeping with another man.
> 
> I don't really think she is having an emotional affair. I just wanted to explain what it is since you dismissed the possibility but with the expected signs of a physical affair. What I really think is going on is Walk Away Wife Syndrome.
> 
> ...




So....Is talking to a particular man at work, joking by e-mail, talking....Is that an "emotional affair"? I don't know.....It's good to have friends.

One thing I can't "compete" against is the rush of new friends with different experiences to tell and share....

Looking back on things, I think I'm pretty sure that I have been on auto-pilot. Letting things happen to me instead of seizing life. And I've been doing things to avoid making my wife upset (as in, not going out, not developing hobbies, out of fear that she would be upset that I am not spending time with the couple, or sticking her with the kids).....

She says that she wants me to have my own life, to not rely on her to make the decisions, to do everything.

The thing is, I feel like I've done so much for the couple and for us, what with moving to another country, leaving family and friends, I guess I've been coasting on that, instead of moving on with life and building new things. 

I can't imagine I'm overly attractive in that way these days....

But, again, isn't there some way to say this besides saying it's over? Or, have I been totally oblivious? Man......


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## Julie19 (Jun 5, 2010)

Cru J

I don't know if this would provide any help in your own situation, but some of the elements resonate with me not as a wife, but as someone in a relationship. A book that has helped me sort out my thoughts and was recommended by my psychologist (who I began to see because of my own situation) is Don Miguel Ruiz's _The Four Agreements_. He talks alot about fear and emotional suffering and how those impact our relationships with others.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Cru J said:


> So....Is talking to a particular man at work, joking by e-mail, talking....Is that an "emotional affair"? I don't know.....It's good to have friends.


Does she show you the emails she exchanges with him? Does she talk to him in front of you or when you are not around?


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## Cru J (Jun 4, 2010)

Julie19 said:


> Cru J
> 
> I don't know if this would provide any help in your own situation, but some of the elements resonate with me not as a wife, but as someone in a relationship. A book that has helped me sort out my thoughts and was recommended by my psychologist (who I began to see because of my own situation) is Don Miguel Ruiz's _The Four Agreements_. He talks alot about fear and emotional suffering and how those impact our relationships with others.




Thank you. I just ordered today Andrew Marshall's book "I love you but I'm not in love with you."

Andrew G Marshall » I love you but I’m not in love with you

The book's description really spoke to me and the current situation....

What's interesting is that my wife, who has purchased quite a few self-help books in her time with respect to kids and marriage, has said she only wants to focus on us through therapy. She says that books are great for information, but not for something as specific as our relationship. She asked that I not force her to read it.....I don't quite understand why she is drawing the line on self-help books here, but, hey, it is what it is.

First couple's session this Thursday....:smthumbup:


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## Cru J (Jun 4, 2010)

turnera said:


> Does she show you the emails she exchanges with him? Does she talk to him in front of you or when you are not around?




No, but, there's no easy way to just come out and ask about a specific person. I've asked the general question already and promised not to ask again. 

I just don't see an EA. I trust her with my life. First couple's session this Thursday.....:smthumbup: 

Until then, we are planning on relaxing a little more and not having every night devolve into questioning.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Cru J said:


> No, but, there's no easy way to just come out and ask about a specific person. I've asked the general question already and promised not to ask again.
> 
> I just don't see an EA. I trust her with my life. First couple's session this Thursday.....:smthumbup:
> 
> Until then, we are planning on relaxing a little more and not having every night devolve into questioning.


 Just so I'm clear, there IS a male coworker she is friends with?

She IS texting and emailing and/or calling this coworker?

She does NOT show you those texts and emails and/or calls him where you cannot hear it?

And you have 'agreed' not to ask her about him?


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## Cru J (Jun 4, 2010)

Hi there again everyone.

Counseling starts this Thursday, but I'm having a hard time making it to then.....My wife wants to "relax" a bit and not be so stressed all the time about our relationship.....I want to give her space, I really do, but it's so hard. 

I want her to tell me it'll be okay, we will get through this, but she won't. That's just not reasonable, I know, and I don't want to beg, be needy, or have some sort of mother-child relationship.

She says we will give it a try, but there are no guarantees. She also told me that, on the grand scheme of things, the most awful thing that'll happen is that we divorce, and that isn't really the end of the world....

I find it very hard to get through the day at work without breaking down. I can't sleep at night. I have intense highs when I do things that I think are moving me forward, and intense, intense lows when the weight of the situation dawns on me. My love is ready, willing and able to leave me. I feel so alone. 

Thursday is so very far from now.

I am trying to set up parallel counseling for me to both help me with our couple's therapy, and for focusing on me. It's been several hours and the three people I contacted haven't reached out yet.

Is there a chance this will work? And, do I let her take the lead on how we move forward?


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Cru J..By now you've heard there is OM or a PA/EA well guess what..They're right..ILYBINILWY=I am either talking to someone I like (at the moment) or I have slept with someone...either way you can't just magically cure it or change her feelings..you should stop focusing on her and what she wants (she knows at the moment what that is to her) and do some honest self-reflecting and work on improving yourself..it's all you can do..once it reaches this point in a relationship where 1 spouse is shocked by the above words..it's way past trying to convince her she doesn't feel the way she thinks she does...everybody gets that euphoria when they experience something exciting when it has been stagnant for so long...then it levels off and they think clearer...during that time if you've come to come terms with yourself, will you want to and be able to put in the hard work it will take to rebuild?..will she?..but not right now...those highs and lows you feel?..yes I felt them also as have many,many others..some continue to feel them (they refuse to move forward) others learn to get past them by focusing not on trying to reconcile or changing their partner, but by changing themselves AND focusing on children (if any)..oh and you will have those highs and lows..how long depends on how long you're going to dwell on them in your daily life...tough but definitely something you will overcome.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Will you answer my questions?


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

After having just gone through this I would put money on an affair, man. I know it is hard to believe if not damn near impossible. Hardest thing I have ever dealt with. I am still dealing but we are working it out. 

One day you think you're doing everything right in the world and then the next day you find out you have been so blind, so trusting. And then to be so betrayed on a whole other level. I have been in combat and never felt the stress/emotions I have felt in the last month. Getting to know myself more and more everyday!

Goodluck with your situation and be strong everyday.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If it makes you feel better, you can know that she never INTENDED to fall for another guy. At first, she would have been appalled at the very thought. But these things happen EXTREMELY gradually. 

A typical affair starts like this: A look one day. A 'hello' a few days later. A brief flutter of the heart when he said hello. Asking her name a week later. More flutter. Striking a conversation. Mild talk. Maybe a little flattery in here and there - big flutter; can't believe I feel so good just because this guy smiles at me. Start looking for him, just so he'll smile and I can feel good. No intention of anything. Group lunch and she keeps looking at him, he looks at her. He finds a reason to walk by her desk and now she can't stop thinking about him all day. Won't tell husband, because then she'll have to stop getting that 'feel good' she gets whenever OM walks by. And it's just harmless smiles. Invited to lunch but the other lady or guy backs out at the last minute, so it's just them; an hour of nervous talk, getting to know each other, innuendoes; harmless. She finds out where he works, and walks by HIS desk. He finds a reason to call her about work. Suggests they meet to cover the issue; it's work, after all. Meet after work to clarify some things, he casually touches her arm as they leave and she can't stop shivering. Doesn't DARE tell husband now, she'll look bad, even though it's just harmless - they're friends, after all. More contact at work. Start emailing. Share phone number; so they can talk 'about work.' He calls her one night and she doesn't dare tell hubby who it is, so she LIES and says it's her sister. Now she's really stuck - move forward or stop all contact? No matter what, she's lied to her husband, and if she gives up the 'harmless' attention, she'll just be feeling bad, and she doesn't want to subject her husband to a depressed, irritable wife, so it's good, right? Next time they meet after work, he walks her to her car and before she gets in, he accidentally brushes against her 'that way' and she can't stop shivering, head to toe. He leans in like he's going to kiss her, but pulls away, leaving her wanting more. Not that she intends to do anything; she's married! Then he ignores her for a few days; she's going crazy - did she make him mad? Will he ever call her again? Finally, she breaks and calls him, and he says 'I have to go to X hotel; we can talk about it there.' She knows better, says she won't do anything, just going to talk, even though it's a hotel. She gets to his room, ready to tell him this has to end cos by now she's feeling all kinds of guilt, now that the 'hotel' stage has appeared, but this time he kisses her and her chemicals start pumping full blast and she lets him 'carry' her away - to the bedroom. Now it's on, and she has to hide the truth, lie, anything she has to, just to get to feel that passion again. Oh, and she needs it, because her marriage NEVER had any of that; she doesn't know WHY she stayed there so long; she never really DID love her husband, did she? It was just a pity thing.

This woman would NEVER have cheated on her husband. Her husband KNOWS that, because it's true. Until it isn't.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

or..the other way around..husband works with nothing but woman...sex life is pretty bland at home,wife nagging all the time,nothing positive toward husband and both spouses are wrapped up in their own daily life with kids in the middle..women at work start making 'comments' daily to husband,'oh you look nice today'..'your wife must be lucky to have you at home'..a pretty average looking nothing special 'nice' girl starts asking if husband is happy he's married..husband says 'oh yes' but knows he's not 'really' happy..somedays they work together close quarters,talking more and more about each others homelife...soon the 'subject' comes up jokingly by her..husband likes talking about it but knows to be nice..then it gets more intimate..she asks 'would you ever stray on your wife'..'NO WAY' but the thought has been engrained..now he thinks about it at home..can't wait to 'talk' some more..not on phone..YET..but works later and later each day..wife notices but husband is great at excuses why..1 day just the 2 of them are working...SHE asks him to stray..nervously he says no..she says 'are you afraid?'..'hell no'..'prove it'..husband does..end of marriage.


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## Cru J (Jun 4, 2010)

Thank you for your continued responses....I have to say that I'm thrown off a bit by everyone insisting there's an EA or PA......I trust my wife. I can't 3rd degree her on this. She'll think that I think the reason she's said the things she's said is b/c she's had an affair, instead of realizing it's the couple. And she'll have a real reason to dislike me, and a real reason to think the couple is over.

I think once you start going down that road of surveillance, etc., you're bound to blow up the marriage. 

I feel betrayed already by things getting to be this bad, but, I think by focusing on me and us, it'll get better. I have faith. I believe in my wife, it's why I married her. 

She's still an angel to me. Our couple has just lost its way, and it's neither of our faults. I have to remain strong for our sake, and not act like a child.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

A real man would fight for his marriage. Sorry, JMHO. 

If your marriage cannot survive her knowing that you feel out of sorts with her, then it isn't much of a marriage. If it can't include her CARING that you feel out of sorts, it's worse.

So, that's a no to answering the questions? Why is that, do you think? IMO, it's because you don't want to have to confront your wife. Because you KNOW the truth, but as long as you don't admit it, you can pretend she's having a bad day/month/year, and she'll get over it. Because you're afraid of her leaving you, and you have been ever since she cheated the first time. She has you by the you know what, and SHE knows it. And that disgusts her, because she has lost respect for you. So she went out looking for someone who WILL fight for her.

By all means, fix your marriage. And yourself. You should anyway. I just hope you'll at least set up some sort of line, that if she crosses it (like bringing him home to your house, or spending all night out), you'll THEN say no more.

Good luck.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

Cru J said:


> I have to say that I'm thrown off a bit by everyone insisting there's an EA or PA



Frustrating, isn't it? It's the default position on this site. Tunera, who again I'll say is wrong more often than right, is so convinced it's an affair she just keeps digging a deeper hole to where now she thinks you've mentioned another man.

Did you google "Walkaway wife sybndrome"? Women fall out of love with men. How often do they get back together with them? Not often. And if they do, it's after a period of separation where they see that the grass may not have been greener. In your case (and mine, and everyone else who've lost their wife this way), she was with you every day after falling out of love. You didn't know you were doing anything wrong, so you didn't change. Every single day of her life she got confirmation she doesn't love you. 

Can you change now? Sure, but she'll always remember you as the person she doesn't love. 8 years is hard to turn around. My wife and I can be going along great. Then something I say, or do, or don't say, or don't do reminds her of the Cody she hates and we're back to square 1. She'll never love me again (if she ever did). She WANTS to. Badly. but she'll never do it.

Sorry man. Get used to it.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

There are a lot of of common themes here, but no hard and fast RULES. You know your wife - NONE of us have ever met her.

Take some time and read some of the other stories to see if you notice any similarities to your own.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

*shrug*

He said:
_So....Is talking to a particular man at work, joking by e-mail, talking....Is that an "emotional affair"? I don't know.....It's good to have friends.

One thing I can't "compete" against is the rush of new friends with different experiences to tell and share...._

I said:
_Does she show you the emails she exchanges with him? Does she talk to him in front of you or when you are not around?_

He said:
_No, but, there's no easy way to just come out and ask about a specific person. I've asked the general question already and promised not to ask again._

It sounds to me like he has an issue with her talking/texting/contacting a guy at work. But is afraid to make her mad at him by asking about it as he apparently already did once, and has now PROMISED not to ask her again.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

cody..you're right..in that he needs to change..but also when a spouse falls out of love when it was a non-abusive marriage, during the course of the downfall there is an event that makes the 'walkaway' cross the threshold and go..could be OM/OW/EA/PA or just friends thinking they're giving great advice..as far as getting back, it's tough because of the commitment to the work involved..my wife said after separating from me "after you process all that's gone on, come back and tell me you loved me as much as you thought you did."..she was right..I didn't even though I thought I did.


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## Cru J (Jun 4, 2010)

turnera said:


> A real man would fight for his marriage. Sorry, JMHO.
> 
> If your marriage cannot survive her knowing that you feel out of sorts with her, then it isn't much of a marriage. If it can't include her CARING that you feel out of sorts, it's worse.
> 
> ...




turnera, i hear you, but, i think there are many different types of relationships and people. not everyone needs to blindly seek affirmation from their loved ones. i am secure in my love for my wife. i am secure in my trust of her. i am not secure in how she feels about me, and if our marriage is doomed or not. launching off into the deep end and accussing someone of infidelity, or asking about it, can only makes things worse for someone in my situation, IMHO. i have to BE STRONG to trust my instincts. that, in my view, is being a man, and is "fighting for my marriage". 

to each his/her own.


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## Cru J (Jun 4, 2010)

cody5 said:


> Frustrating, isn't it? It's the default position on this site. Tunera, who again I'll say is wrong more often than right, is so convinced it's an affair she just keeps digging a deeper hole to where now she thinks you've mentioned another man.
> 
> Did you google "Walkaway wife sybndrome"? Women fall out of love with men. How often do they get back together with them? Not often. And if they do, it's after a period of separation where they see that the grass may not have been greener. In your case (and mine, and everyone else who've lost their wife this way), she was with you every day after falling out of love. You didn't know you were doing anything wrong, so you didn't change. Every single day of her life she got confirmation she doesn't love you.
> 
> ...



I hope you're wrong, I hope you're wrong. I believe we can fix this. I have to be strong.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

Google...


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Hey Cru, I’m six months out of my near 40 year marriage. I’ve had a lot of time for reflection and I’m getting some understanding. I missed so many signs. I think I now know what an emotional affair is and just how destructive they are.

You asked why didn’t your wife just tell you of her problems in your marriage. An emotional affair is when the spouse tells another “special person” of their problems in their marriage. And of course that other special person agrees because they want to get closer to the spouse. Not only that but the special person will make the marriage look worse is. So your wife could be sharing intimate details about your marriage with someone else and that someone else is trying to bring your marriage down.

I was blind to it all although I must say things often didn’t “feel right” but I didn’t take my intuition seriously enough and follow it up with some snooping. I wish I had. At the end of the day I left my wife based on my gut feeling, it had gone way too far by that time to snoop.

I don’t think men know as much as women do about emotional affairs, what they are and the impact of them. “Oh, he/she’s just a friend” cuts no ice with women but us men take it on face value.

You have no chance of resolving the issues in your marriage if there is an emotional affair going on. If there is one she will even talk about the counselling sessions you have with him. I’m not saying there is but you wont even get out of the starting blocks if there is. It wont matter how much you work on yourself or how much money you spend on counselling.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Wise words, AFEH, but he won't hear them. It would harm his 'image' of his wife. He won't hear them until she's handing him divorce papers and telling him to hurry up and move out so OM can move in and replace him.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

She won't see anything until the 'fog' has lifted..and it always lifts..it comes down to how much damage is done to you once it does lift...laying in bed at night next to her and wondering "is she thinking about him right now?"..hard to get rid of...on the other hand I've seen several post of women who actually wanted to get away just to get away..unfortunately IMHO I don't think that's the case here...not asking about a possible EA/PA= afraid to know the truth..and trust me.THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE..you can fight for it or not..doesn't make you less of a man..it's not war.


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## ganny76 (Jun 11, 2010)

I am going through the same thing. My wife says she has no one else and I believe her. She has helped 3 of her friends through divorce and now her mother is getting one, all in the last 2.5 years. Her work is stressing the hell out of her and me and her have been fighting for about 6 months. Mainly because by the time she gets time for me, she is tired. She is constantly having to take care of a friend or talk to a friend. Now she tells me the other day that she is not "in love" with me anymore. She says she is not having an affair and I believe her. Knowing the type of woman she is I believe her. I think all the stresses in her life have worn her out and she needs time without me to see what I really mean to her. I hope. Just my $.02.


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## spartan (Jun 8, 2010)

i agree with turnera- FIGHT for what is yours... She gave you the speech and half heartedly tried to make it work. It really is time to grow a set and draw the proverbial line in the sand. 

If she has nothing to hide then it should not be an issue. If she asks why you are demanding to see her email/txt/phone records explain that you just got hit with the whole "I love you but I am not in love with you" and you are not feeling confident in that explanation. Tell her you want to work on it but you cannot give it 100% unless you are convinced there is no one else. Tell her that SHE cant make this work either if there is someone else. 

Do not get scared of losing her- Realize that you do not NEED her in your life to survive, yet you WANT her in your life to make the experience that much more enjoyable. Big step when you can get to that point in your life and truly believe it.


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

CruJ recognize all as possibilities. Look into them, prepare yourself so that if things do start to ring bells in one area or another you are prepared with how to move forward. 

You have people on this thread saying without doubt it is this...or that or definitely thisthat. All this show is that the her state of being could show itself in several different ways (symptoms) that would/could seem extremely foreign as actions the woman you know would do. Realize these are all possibilities -none for certain at this time.

Now back to the cause of the symptoms. She is feeling she is missing something - that things "could" be better. Whether she has already begun an emotional affair or if she has the I just wanna leave and start over syndrome. It rather starts from the same core I'd guess.

So... the couples therapy sounds wonderful for this...find out what she is missing. figure out each others Love Languages, learn about what Love Busters" are. Learn how to really Love and appreciate her again. Learn what it was about her that made you look forward to seeing her again.

I think you are doing a smart thing seeking a counselor for yourself as well. I'm not saying to ignore the other stuff you read here about what is "definitely happening", one of them may well be spot on to your amazement and chagrin. Don't count them out because of the type of person she is. We are all human, we all have weaknesses, we can all catch diseases...

She is wiling to go to counseling, that is a good sign. She says it is not something to be book learned...like everybody else - I don't KNOW but I'd guess that means it has more to do with your interpersonal relationship with each other. 

Reality is relationships ARE the often the most exciting when the are young and fresh and she still believes you are perfect and you her. Then life moves on, we find that sometimes our partner really does fart things that smell quite unlike Febreeze. Thing we did for the twenty eighth time are not as exiting and new as when done for the first time and finances, kids, jobs, chores start to replace the importance and take the time that once belonged to our mate.

It is often not a one sided deal but often each person feels like they have done everything. My wife has said "You never took me out!". While this is true, I did not take her out as often as she deserved --- not once, did she ever set up a date for us. That of course is not looked at by the one complaining. To be fair, I'm SURE she could come up with an example for me as well 

Point being is I think while others may be spot on with their guesses as to how the problem is manifesting itself, I think you are the closest to diagnosing the real problem. You two have lost your couple. Good news is... it can be found


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## Lostinspace (Jun 11, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> I don't think you are looking at the likelihood of her cheating in the right frame of mind. An emotional affair is cheating. I know you cannot imagine and don't see any opportunity or signs of her having an affair with someone, but I'd like you to consider that an affair is not necessarily physical. It doesn't mean she is slipping around corners to meet a man. So, you may not see any signs since you always know where she is. Emotional attachment to someone else simply means she is giving her time, attention, and heart to someone other than you. She may never have seen this person in the flesh but communicates with him on the phone and internet simply because she likes the attention, affirmations, and overall good feeling she receives from their exchanges. What makes it an (emotional) affair is 1) there should be no one to whom she gives her time, attention, and heart to but you, 2) just like she should respectfully reject another man's attentions in the flesh, she shouldn't allow it in virtual life either, and 3) there is the betrayal in that she is hiding her activities and also has not made you aware of this person with whom she spends so much time. Therefore, it is cheating just the same as if she were sleeping with another man.
> 
> I don't really think she is having an emotional affair. I just wanted to explain what it is since you dismissed the possibility but with the expected signs of a physical affair. What I really think is going on is Walk Away Wife Syndrome.
> 
> ...


Hi I'm a newbie here and this is my first post, my wife walked out on me 2 weeks ago, just feel like I'm beginning to get my head around the situation and Susan's post has given me some hope that I can turn things around. 

My wife admits she hasn't stopped loving me, says she loves me when she sees me with the kids, but that she can't see a future for us together as a result of the things I have done in the past. 

I have changed massively in the 6 weeks since she said she wanted to move out (yup I reacted in exactly the wrong way back then, complete emotional landslide), I will continue to change and manage my destructive behaviours and hopefully she will eventually believe what I have told her, i.e. I am changing for myself and for her and for our family and that no matter how the future pans out I will be the husband she deserves, not the stressed, aggresive, emotionally abusive, drunken fool that I became over the last 12 months.

In just over a year I have lost my business, my wife and kids, and my home is up for sale, been through depression, battled with my underlysing issues with low self esteem and feel like I have just come through the other side. Whatever and however long it takes I will regain my wifes trust and respect and get my family back together because they are all worth it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

T/J: Lostinspace, it sounds like you're doing well. Why don't you start a thread and we can follow you there?


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## Lostinspace (Jun 11, 2010)

turnera, sounds like an idea. Thanks for saying I'm doing well, at times it feels like I am, at other times it feels like I'm crashing into the seventh circle of hell. But if even my morther in law can admit I am a great father I feel like iI've got some hope because the love and tenderness I show to the kid's is the same love and tenderness I feel for my wife just somewhere along the line I lost the ability to show it.

Will start a thread soon


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

spartan said:


> i agree with turnera- FIGHT for what is yours... She gave you the speech and half heartedly tried to make it work. It really is time to grow a set and draw the proverbial line in the sand.
> 
> If she has nothing to hide then it should not be an issue. If she asks why you are demanding to see her email/txt/phone records explain that you just got hit with the whole "I love you but I am not in love with you" and you are not feeling confident in that explanation. Tell her you want to work on it but you cannot give it 100% unless you are convinced there is no one else. Tell her that SHE cant make this work either if there is someone else.
> 
> Do not get scared of losing her- Realize that you do not NEED her in your life to survive, yet you WANT her in your life to make the experience that much more enjoyable. Big step when you can get to that point in your life and truly believe it.


There are two possibiliies with this scenario.

1 - She'a having an affair. Uncover it and leave her.
2 - She's not having an affair. She's just another "walkaway wife". She doesn't like you now, so being an oppressive, overbearing, jealous creep will push her farther away and she leaves you.

Your marriage is over. Wives leave a marriage and don't come back. Just make sure it either ends with dignity or you stay civil to each other for the kids. 

If she is inappropriately communicating with other men it's because she already left you. She's gone anyhow. Move on. Either with your spouse or cohabitating with her. You need to let her go and try and fill your emotional needs elsewere. Is it your fault? I don't care. You need to move on either way.

And before anyone starts giving me crap about not encouraging this poor slob to fix his marriage, google "walkaway wife syndrome". Then start REALLY reading the posts on this site, paying particular attention to the number of wives that came back after they "left".

We need to start training our young women what it REALLY means to get married. I can't believe we haven't yet.


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## Bigsigh (Oct 26, 2009)

cody5 said:


> We need to start training our young women what it REALLY means to get married. I can't believe we haven't yet.


AND young men, this is NOT gender specific.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

For this kind of thing it is.


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## Bigsigh (Oct 26, 2009)

cody5 said:


> For this kind of thing it is.


No, actually it isnt.


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

cody5 said:


> For this kind of thing it is.


Well, OK ...technically men do not become walkaway "WIVES". Otherwise this is not gender related.


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## Bigsigh (Oct 26, 2009)

OneMarriedGuy said:


> Well, OK ...technically men do not become walkaway "WIVES". Otherwise this is not gender related.


Thanks, i should have clarified the "wives" part


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Actually "walk away wife syndrome" is when a wife has spent her entire married life trying to keep in check the marriage, her feelings, his feelings. Constantly nurturing and usually getting nothing in return. Finally they just check out. Done mentally and gone emotionally after all their fruitless labor. I don't see how women need to be trained to be better wives. I would think in a walk away wife situation, it would be the husband who should have been trained better.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

I don't want to get hung up on the sematics here. Read through this forum. There are a LOT more women that check out of marriages because "ILYBINILWYAM". Many of them NEVER loved their husbands. I don't think I've read a single post where the man didn't love his wife from the beginning.


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## last2know (Jun 21, 2010)

So CRJ, what has happened. Has she started a new job? Volunteerism, Church group? If so I would spy. My H had an EA and I wished I had spy'd sooner. The OW's husband found out and told me. They work together and they communicated via email, text and lunches, happy hours. Until my H got busted by her H and then it was all over for them. When my H realized what he stood to lose, he couldn't believe what he had done. We are recovering and our marriage has never been better. I trusted him completely, let him have his "man time", I trusted him too much and look where it got us. I think you are afraid of the truth and she is stringing you along because he could be married and she has no guarantees so you are the "fall back" guy. Please let us know what happens and everyone will help you regardless of the outcome.


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## last2know (Jun 21, 2010)

turnera said:


> Wise words, AFEH, but he won't hear them. It would harm his 'image' of his wife. He won't hear them until she's handing him divorce papers and telling him to hurry up and move out so OM can move in and replace him.


turnera, I am with you on this one sister. I feel bad for him.


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## 13878 (Jun 21, 2010)

When someone says "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore."

That typically means that the feelings of euphoric love have faded but they still deeply respect and care about you.

I would argue, from what it sounds like, is that she may need a vacation and is just stressed at work. She may need more romance in her life.

Women love romance. I would suggest that you sit down and ask her why she is feeling this way. Have a very calm discussion about it and work towards resolving it. Do the things you used to do for her early on in your relationship. Bring her gifts for no reason, give her massages, pamper her. It will help her a great deal and within a few months it should dramatically improve your marriage.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

perfectlovehere: I truly wished that ILYBINILWY meant what you posted it meant..and maybe for a small percentage it does, but by going off of the postings on (relationship sites at least)..it seems not to be the case...but who really knows what ones intentions really are:scratchhead:


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Cody, men THINK they are in love with their wives. But that should mean, cherishing her and what is important to her--not just enjoying the benefits of marriage, including sex, that come from being together all the time. Women often do not get a whole lot of benefits from marriage--yet they are giving a lot, cherishing their husband, supporting and soliciting his ideas, feelings, fears, etc. Too many men think that b/c they contribute a pay check, that is all they have to do. Or b/c they spend money on their wife. What is she, a prostitute? When do men ask about her feelings, dreams, fears--once married? All that romantic "crap" is out of the window with the marriage. I'm not saying you did this, but it is often the case in WAW syndrome.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

sisters..unfortunately most of what you posted is correct except it goes both ways..as for me..my wife said "it's not about the 'sex..it's about being intimate you know?..like holding hands, spontaneous kisses, stuff like that." and I said..what the f**k about you?..doesn't it go both ways?..therefore, communication about eachothers needs and asking questions about needs, taking time to be together without the kids or work to consume eachothers time is the most important elements of a healthy relationship..so I doubt anyone in here took quality time on a consistant basis to be just with their spouse alone.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Marriage Builders recommends that spouses spend 15 hours a week together doing non-work, non-maintenance stuff. In other words, keep dating.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

why did Al Gore invent the internet so late in life


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## eric31 (Jun 22, 2010)

I stumbled upon the website today after my wife of 5 years and 10 years of knowing her left. She has also stated she just can't do this anymore, meaning being in a relationship where she isn't happy. I have and still love her with all my heart and soul. I've cried all day and have been through counseling and reflection. 

I guess why I'm posting is that I see a lot of support for everyone. She has thrown in the towel but I will continue to try. There's a lot of open areas but any thoughts or ideas would help. I'm really hurting in my heart and soul. I just can't believe it would happen to me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

eric, open a thread for yourself, so we can see what's going on and help you.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Eric..it's only the beginning like turnera mentioned..open a new thread and see.


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