# Question for the Cheaters....



## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

I realize that every situation is different but please share based on your situation or generalities...

What is the best way, environment, time, location, things to say to entice a disloyal to finally open up with the truth, rather than the lies and trickle truth?


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## Pilot (Mar 7, 2011)

For me,I wanted my wife to confront me because I knew what I was doing was wrong. I ended up giving her a book on marriage/relationships and asked her to read it.This ending up opening the door for me to talk to her.I know my situation was different than most. I realize that most people do not want to admit it and will deny an affair.I also believe that in the end once someone does admit an affair they will feel better and it forces them to make a choice.I do not think too many people enjoy living in lies.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If I may speak on behalf of my wife, she liked the time I gave her. It was exceptable to me b/c way back when (1yr) alls I knew about was trickle truth, so I was prepared....thinking there was now other way about it. So I managed it with that expectation.

In what I mean is with the things I heard and read I understood the trickle truth, so I would ask one guestion in the AM and want a answer in the evening. It was frustrating for her...day in and day out with question after question so then after a week of 5 single questions it moved to periods in here life and just discussed that particular man at that time frame.

It was easier for her to discuss the older/less resent affairs. It got really hard for her to discuss the many ONS as she got older (last 3 years) and was on a path of self distruction. 

Back to your guestion, the best enviorment is when both of you are prepared, were a time has been discussed ahead of time to set up a time to talk about her cheating.

The first location was in my office and then I thought it was not in her enviorment so the 2nd place was at a bar. I took some time off from work and we went in the middle of the day on her day off. It was less crowded, but the tears in public thing. Most of it happened in the bed room from there on out.

For us it was the warning a head of time that this and that needed to be talked about later on in the day in order for me to heal. Each morning I would let her know what and why. She was more forthcoming when she understood were I was at when I explain why I needed this. 

Granted she would start to b*tching in the AM but I would calmly say "this is not the time and that the discusion is come this evening so be prepared for some answer for the sake of the marraige. Then leave for work.

I think this gave her time to think, and at least she had only one OM to discuss and could deal with it on a simpler level then discussing 13 years of infidelity all at once.

I think for most "that one time" or "I have feeling for him" kind of thing were it was just one OM the princapal is the same our DS are also hurt and time is needed but with restriction. Start with the easy questions first and depending on how you react they (our spouses) will start getting comfortable about talking to you.

So remember stay calm and no snide remarks, You need to get them comfortable in talking so when the big one hits"how many time" they feel that you are in control of your emotions and will not judge or get angry. Getting them to be comfortable in that you need to know this informantion in order to heal.

In some cases it works well when tring to R but when divorce is happening I think you wont get much info, and just have to move on.

Good luck and remember bit your tonge hold back your emotion and get them comfortable in talking. keep it as a matter of fact as possible and just react as if you are there just to listen. So be a good listener. That why I'm here in the 1st place ;-)

BTW we are doing great and I'm glad we worked it out. Its nice having my best friend back.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Workingitout said:


> ... What is the best way, environment, time, location, things to say to entice a disloyal to finally open up with the truth, rather than the lies and trickle truth?


Workingitout~

I do understand why you ask this question, but there is a problem. The problem is that chances are about 99% that the disloyal spouse does not feel safe telling the truth to the loyal otherwise it's conceivable they would have spoken to them about feeling hurt, lonely or unloved in the first place. Since affairs are not "the problem" but "a symptom," the issue is that there is no magic environment, time, location or words you can say to make a disloyal open up. Especially if the environment (over time) was not conducive to openness, if the timing was pressure rather than encouraging vulnerability, the location felt like your trapped, and the words were said forcefully in anger! 

Thus, rather than asking for the magic, generalized way to "get the disloyal to tell the truth" give me the chance to point out a few things to you. If you want your disloyal to feel like he/she is safe telling you the truth, you would first have to create an environment (atmosphere around your relationship) that demonstrates that if he/she opened up and really told what they felt or thought--that they would not be crucified for it. Next, you'd have to select a time that was not first thing in the morning when he/she can barely think (much less have a R talk) or late at night after a long exhausting day and it's their first chance to finally sit back and relax. After that, you have to choose to bring up the R talk in a location that was not already associated with "every fight we've ever had" or a location that was not uncomfortable (like, in front of three other couples who are your friends). Finally, rather than demanding every detail of every conversation and thoughts and feelings about every moment and action from events 6 months ago, you'd have to create words that demonstrate to your spouse that you are able to hear the FULL truth (no matter how ugly or scary), that you understand even you don't remember some things from 6 months ago, and that you will make sure to keep them safe if they do choose to be vulnerable. 

I bring all this up because all too often I hear Loyals say: "Why won't my disloyal just tell me the truth?" when in reality they have trained their disloyal very well to know that they are NOT SAFE opening up or being vulnerable with their spouse! The disloyal will say, "Okaaaay, I'll give it a try" very cautiously. The loyal asks "How many times did you have sex with him/her?" and the disloyal thinks, "Darn I didn't count! I don't remember! Let's see... 1, 2, 3, 4, ... " and they'll say "Boy I don't know, 5 or so times I think" And what happens? 

Does the loyal say "I appreciate your honesty. That's hard to hear so I want to think about that for a bit."?? Nope!! The loyal will scream at the disloyal "I counted SIX TIMES!!! You're lying! Why are you trying to hide something from me? <insert expletive and name calling here>" Then they list off 6 instances and the disloyal thinks, "Oh darn that's right I forgot about that one" and *"Well, sh*t I'm never doing that again, look what it gets me!"* 

Next day the loyal asks how many times they kissed, and the disloyal thinks, "Huh. I didn't count. But yesterday I gave a guess and I got lambasted! Screw that I'm not saying anything!" and says "I'm not telling you. Why should I?" and then the loyal gets all indignant! 

My point here is not to roast all loyals. Rather, I'm trying to show/demonstrate how sometimes a loyal spouse says, "Be honest" and then makes it hard! Should the disloyal be honest anyway because honesty is the right thing to do? ABSOLUTELY! But likewise, if you really do want your disloyal to be fully honest, that means they would be open and vulnerable to you....and that is a gift! So if you mean it, and you really do want them to be vulnerable, then show them by your actions that they will not be utterly wasted if they ARE honest! 

Working on creating an environment--an atmosphere in your marriage--that means that being vulnerable is safe; by your actions, show him/her that if they do open up to you and show you fully what they think and feel that they won't be attacked. Next, purposely choose a time when your disloyal is not H.A.L.T (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired), and when chances are good there will not be interruptions; take phones off the hook, turn cell phones off, after kids are in bed, not as they're rushing out the door to work, etc. This means that as the loyal, you'll have to aware of and thinking of your spouse, and not "what you need right now!" Third, select a location that is not already associated with every fight you've ever had, a bad memory, or someplace they were already hurt. For example, if you always attack your disloyal in the family room, don't pull them into the family room and expect them to "open up"; instead, work on creating new, positive, good associations in the family room first and THEN go in there to talk. 

Finally as to words, I personally have a plan that I really suggest that works out well for BOTH people in the marriage. I suggest that the couple agree on one time each day when the loyal can ask ANY question and the disloyal agrees to answer that ONE question fully and completely. They agree that "I don't know" is not an answer. And they agree to a certain time limit like 30 min. or 1 hour. This way the loyal can ask about the question that's bugging them THAT DAY and the disloyal knows it won't turn into the Spanish Inquisition.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

Thanks Affaircare. Where have you been? Haven't seen your posts in awhile. My situation is that I've been holding off asking more details. I've only asked one detail question in months as I don't feel as though she feels that I've created a safe environment (as you've described). We talked about that this morning and she says that she feels completely safe talking with me. She was even disappointed that I haven't asked her those "nagging questions" as she feels prepared to tell me anything I want to know. (even though there really isn't much more I want to know). She says she's told me everything already. I guess I'm at the point where I need to just accept what I know and let the rest go. Truthfully, it wouldn't make much of a difference anyways.

I think my bigger focus is being certain we never go down this road again!


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Workingitout~

Well, I've been around but had a small hiatus as we had a family tragedy lately. 

I'll be honest with you--some people really do want to see every piece of the puzzle so they can fit every bit into place, and others, like my Dear Hubby, were more like you. It was enough that they knew it occurred, that they knew enough to see "the big picture", and that they knew there was true repentance (in that Bible sense of "a complete turning around.") Like you, my Dear Hubby did not ask for every detail but when he did ask a question, I told him everything bluntly. 

His one question to loyals makes a lot of sense to me: "Since you weren't there, how will you ever know ALL of the truth?" You may get the whole truth and not believe it. You may not get the whole truth and believe it. There really is not "evidence" to prove it either way. So at some point, it does come down to deciding. However, this is just me: if words and actions are matching it seems to me that trusting honesty then would not be "blind trust"....but if words and actions have NOT been matching, then it seems to me that trusting honesty is not warranted. 

That's my own personal "rule of thumb" though--others may vary!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The best way to get them to tell you is to show them solid proof of the affair. Most cheaters will never own up to it. Only a small percentage do without provocation.

In my situation my husband sat me down and said he had to tell me something: he confessed his cheating. I told him I had cheated too.


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