# How come I can't hate him?



## stumped (May 16, 2008)

My husband and I are getting divorced...we were married for 7 years together for 10. I moved out of the house and he now has a GF. I just found out last week that the GF that I thought he had been seeing since October he has actually been seeing since April. Which means he was having an affair while I was trying to work on the marriage and when I thought we still had a chance. Am I angry..yeah. But I still talk to him everyday...he is still my best friend...I still love him...and it sucks! There is no chance of reconciliation on either of our ends because there is stuff we each cant get past (for me its the affair since April with the dirty little *****). He realizes he made a mistake and we talk every day about everything. The GF is married as well...moved out about a month ago and her husband is charging her with adultery and apparently hired a PI to gather the evidence. And now I am being dragged into all that as well because I am told I am going to be subpeonoed. So why cant I just hate him? He has hurt me so badly why cant I hate him?? I dont understand it and it makes it soo hard because I need to file for divorce and do a seperation agreement of assets and all of that. But he is still my best friend...god I am soo confused!


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Stumped

Unfortunately emotions such as love and hate have no on/off switch. You have not emotionally detached from him yet and until you do you will not be able to shut off your love. From the sounds of your post the marriage is truly over though you did all you could to save it while he continued to destroy it. When you have detached from him please don’t waste your time, energy and emotional wellbeing in hating him. Focus you emotions on yourself and your family and be aware there may be some one out there who will love and honor you as you should be. While the divorce, separation and being pulled into the other couple’s sorrow and destruction will be difficult, you will emerge from it sometime in the future and will be a stronger person for it. My best to you as you weather this storm. But like all storms, they end eventually.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

stumped-

Maybe you can't hate him, because you are not the hating type. That's what makes you such a great person. Maybe you are wondering if you are in denial?

Perhaps your love is unconditional. Some people get really biter in your situation. They end up looking like their perpetually sucking on a lemon. Good for you if you're not like that. 

I suspect your emotions will come and go over the next few months.


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

i know how you feel stumped. my husband didn't hurt me the way yours did, but he still hurt me. yet i can't hate him. as much as i would love to coz it would make things easier, i can't bring myself to hate him. he's my best friend also. he drives me nuts and makes me cry, but i still love him. i don't have any advice for you, i just want you to know you're not the only 1 who feels this way


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## stumped (May 16, 2008)

Amplexor said:


> Stumped
> 
> Unfortunately emotions such as love and hate have no on/off switch. You have not emotionally detached from him yet and until you do you will not be able to shut off your love. From the sounds of your post the marriage is truly over though you did all you could to save it while he continued to destroy it. When you have detached from him please don’t waste your time, energy and emotional wellbeing in hating him. Focus you emotions on yourself and your family and be aware there may be some one out there who will love and honor you as you should be. While the divorce, separation and being pulled into the other couple’s sorrow and destruction will be difficult, you will emerge from it sometime in the future and will be a stronger person for it. My best to you as you weather this storm. But like all storms, they end eventually.


I honestly dont think I could ever hate him. And I can definately say that I am not wasting any energy on hatred towards him...he is still my best friend and I do have my sad moments. Even though I know I dont want him back I cant picture him not being a part of my life.

What I really would like to know is how come I didnt do anything wrong and I am being dragged into this crazy drama with the new GF and her Husband...it sucks!


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## stumped (May 16, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> stumped-
> 
> Maybe you can't hate him, because you are not the hating type. That's what makes you such a great person. Maybe you are wondering if you are in denial?
> 
> ...


I can honestly say that I have never HATED anyone. Sure there are people I have disliked (the new GF is one) but still if her life was on the line I would help her. Does that make me abnormal??? I really dont think I am in denial.....like I said earlier I know that I am 100% better off without him that there is someone out there that will treat me the way I deserve to be and appreciate me for who I am and the type of person I am. I just cant imagine him not being a friend though.....because he is my best friend! Even to this day if I called him right now and needed him he would be right there.

Good for me that I am not like that......maybe I havent quite decided if it is a good personality trait or a flaw. Because essentially since I am not crazy angry and seeking revenge etc. it seems as if he is getting a free pass for what he did wrong. Well I guess not completely because I told him the other day..."I can honestly say I am better off with out you and you (being him) cant say the same thing" and he completely agreed with me. So I guess he doenst get a free pass because he lost me and will never find someone that will love him or treat him the way I did. He is finding out very quickly that he had it REALLY good with me.


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## stumped (May 16, 2008)

wonder said:


> i know how you feel stumped. my husband didn't hurt me the way yours did, but he still hurt me. yet i can't hate him. as much as i would love to coz it would make things easier, i can't bring myself to hate him. he's my best friend also. he drives me nuts and makes me cry, but i still love him. i don't have any advice for you, i just want you to know you're not the only 1 who feels this way


That does help to know I am not the only one!! I serioulsy was starting to think there was something wrong with me that I was the CRAZY one. 

Yup hating would make moving on easier...but hating would also make us bitter/resentful/mean people. I dont know which one is easier...cause not hating him is really hard.


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## MOM2BELLA (Nov 18, 2008)

Stumped, I feel your pain.
I found out in November that my husband had been having an emotional affair with a woman he met through work since August 2008. This is especially painfully because we have a 11 month old daughter who was just 6 months old at the time. I have been together with him for 10 years, since I was 17 years old. I truely believed that he adored me, even though I was so incredibly controlling. I never thought he would cheat and I am having trouble hating him. I still want him in m life, even if it's just as friends. 
We are in the process of a legal separation and I want to give him his space. Maybe in time he will realize that he wants his old life back.

In the mean time I will work to improve who I am as a person.

Stay Strong!


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## stumped (May 16, 2008)

Sooooo I still dont quite HATE him but I did cut him out of my life yesterday. I told him that I could no longer be friends with him...maybe down the road in the future but not right now. I told him its too painful and confusing. Especially when I can talk to him every day for hours on end in IM and on the phone and then two days ago the dirty little *****s brother was at the house when I stopped by to drop something off and he acted like a complete ass to me. So I told him that if he needs to communicate with me about anything house related etc to do it via e-mail and to leave me alone. He was very understanding and apologetic. We proceeded to talk a little about money and splitting assets etc and he turned into an ass again...we can not discuss money at all because he seriously thinks that I should be content with the furniture I left the house with. So I stood up for myself...ended the conversation...blocked him on IM and called the lawyer and told her to send him the papers. I know I NEED to do this but why does it still make me feel so crappy?????


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya cause the betrayel part is coming he is showing the ugly side not the on your side. He is taking her side now. I think that you are doing the right thing stay strong if its ment to be it will mend give it time!


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