# Dating advice - after a long break.



## scienist2 (May 16, 2014)

I am confused.

I have met this very nice lady at work. She is exactly my type. Smart, lean, nice.

But is also very special. As far as I know, she has been single for a long time. Years, even longer perhaps. Not sure why. Based on her stories and pictures, she is an avid hiker- who likes to hike alone. For days or even weeks. Very independent. Very strong.

Anyway, so we met and found out that there is much in common. Hiking, gym, climbing, etc. Time flows nicely when we are together.

We went out on a date yesterday. Took her to a nice place to eat and then did some very nice stargazing. She very much apparently enjoyed the time together. We held hands. Quite an experience for me after a year long break! Then good night kiss. And then radio silence.

Anyway, I am suspicious that this lady does not know how to date. E.g. I said to her yesterday night that I do not want to lose her as a friend but also would not want to miss out on being more than friends. I think I used a better wording but this was the gist. She repeated the same thing, word by word!

Another instance, I offered her my arm (like a gentleman I guess) and then had to show her how to put her hand around my arm. Like she never did it before.

We are both in early 30's.

I think I will observe and see how things go further but this is strange. I guess I should not ask her how come she has been single for a long time, right?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Just play it by ear. If it feels like the right thing to do, do it.

Relax, and trust yourself.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

What culture? Nationality?

Can you do some covert googling to create a timeline of her last, umm, 10 years? Nothing more than what's on LinkedIn. This should tell you where she lived. You could slowly see how she warms up to you to mention friends, social settings... Parents... Siblings...

Go very slow and enjoy.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Yes, enjoy.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I say just enjoy, too . Perhaps she's an introvert, really picky, or something else. Doesn't have to be anything weird. Go for it.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Maybe she is on the spectrum.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

richie33 said:


> Maybe she is on the spectrum.


And if she is, you will find very quickly...


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## lexis (Feb 11, 2016)

richie33 said:


> Maybe she is on the spectrum.


My first thought as well.

Doesn't mean it can't work.. but it will take time and effort.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

There is a reason she is single. If I were you, I would try to find out what it is.


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## scienist2 (May 16, 2014)

john117 said:


> What culture? Nationality?
> 
> Go very slow and enjoy.


White American. Bible belt. Top notch education.

Asked her for a second date today. She agreed. It is all good. Holding hands. Kissing.

Perhaps this is too easy.

After my marriage I am on a lookout for any red flags.

Taking it easy? Vaguely translated does this ought to mean: take the time to get to know the other person and make sure you are compatible? Do not rush physical things as they cloud judgment?

How slow is too slow?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Enough to keep her interested and not so much to scare her off! Time is the big precursor of how things are going to progress, and as time goes, she will open up more to you, allowing you to open up more to her!

The most important thing is that the two of you enjoy the journey of getting to better know one another!

Don't rush or press ~ just enjoy!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Tell her you love her and want to marry her.😋

Just have a good time, enjoy the ride, but realize the ride may not last forever. Force yourself to always have other fun options instead of putting all your hopes into her saying yes to a date. 

Don't even consider letting her know you like her a lot. As stated, there is a reason she's single. That could be a really good, or a really bad thing. Discover which. She may hate sex. She may have voted for Obama; you know, crazy stuff. Lol

Always have other things to do. And make sure she has 2 X chromosomes. Few women hike for days out in the wilderness at home.
Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

One of the biggest mistakes men us is trying to be a friend or asking to be friends. I do not want a woman I am dating to be a friend at that point in the relationship. I want her to be my girlfriend. I do not treat her like a friend because that leads to "I only like you as a friend" statements. You want them to see you as a potential sex partner and if they do not, more on. Love is a chemical reaction and you cannot make someone love you if they do not, no matter how many nice things you do for them.

She may be shy and inexperienced so take the lead. When I met my wife she was a virgin at 20 and never had a boyfriend. She knew little about dating and relationships so I taught her. I am very self confident and a alpha male. I had no problem telling a woman that I liked of my desire to kiss her if she thought it was OK. I also leaned in to kiss them without saying a word too and paid attention to their body language. They either leaned into me too or pulled back. I would take my wife's arm and put it around me and say that it made me feel good. I took her hand, touched her breast and lots of other stuff without asking permission first. I just made sure that she liked what I was doing and if not, I just stopped and apologized. It is true that it is easier to ask for forgiveness than as for permission.

I called my wife to be. She never called me. I taught her about sex and how to date. Be the alpha dog and take the lead. Stop that friend stuff because you give them an out to continue with you but with no desire to go any further than being a friend. If you want a girlfriend, act like a boyfriend and let them know that it is your goal. I had a friend who also started off as acting as a friend with girls and then complained to me that all of his girlfriends left him by saying that they saw him just as a friend. Be blunt. I speak my mind and people know where I stand. The time for friendship is after you have established your sexual relationship first and it does not have to be full blown sex but even just making out and fondling of each other. Good luck and tell her how you feel but ask her what she feels too. Don't have one of those one sided relationships where you let her know how you feel but never ask her if she feels the same. I am a man who has had over 5000 threesomes and a steady girlfriend since I was 13 years old. Never went longer than a few weeks without a steady girlfriend. My method works and many woman like a take charge guy. Some women need permission to be bad. I learned that a long time ago.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The biggest red flag may be the lack of positive role models for expected behavior down the road, if the relationship evolves into something more permanent. 

Right now it's all good and straightforward but as the relationship moves forward she has to be "educated" in the ways of courtship. That's not necessarily trivial in her age and state of mind (experientially speaking). 

You may find it will take weeks or months to evolve, and difficult conversations ahead. I've been through the exact same routine 35 years ago and it was fun. But these role models that could so conveniently be ignored then eventually rear their ugly head at some point.


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## scienist2 (May 16, 2014)

And so now we are five months in.

As I found out, the lady did not date for a number of years. Apparently something bad happened years ago that ended up in her getting very badly hurt. While it would seem that this lady does not need a relationship, today she told me that she does not want to be alone in her life.

I have been very patient. She is very quiet, very private, and very generous with her time. That is, I do get a time slot when I ask for it (a few times a week). But she is not the one who initiates. I think that in my previous relationships the women were the ones propelling the relationship forward. Now I see how it feels from the other side.

I like her sense of humor and her kindness. I enjoy her presence and I think this feeling is reciprocal.

I have been having difficulty establishing some reasonable emotional connection. Yes, we do some stuff together, such as climbing or hiking or camping. But these ones are just nice add-ons (at least according to me) on which solely a successful and lasting relationship cannot be built.

It's a bit frustrating. Feels a bit like pushing on a rope. But I think this lady will come around, although it will take more time.

So you see, I am just venting. All I need is some sleep and a good dose of faith in the future.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Does she have any interest in sex?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

scientist said:


> And so now we are five months in.
> 
> As I found out, the lady did not date for a number of years. Apparently something bad happened years ago that ended up in her getting very badly hurt. While it would seem that this lady does not need a relationship, today she told me that she does not want to be alone in her life.
> 
> ...


I am thinking from what you've described, that this person is not a good investment of your time. She is unavailable emotionally, she "doesn't want to be alone" but initiates nothing with you, and apparently has given you no real input as to how much she likes you. 99% of normal women are going to let a man they love, know that they love him. It's just how it works.

I don't want to be intrusive, but it's been 5 months and you've been camping and such with her. There's been kissing. Has there been anything further? Have you attempted and been rejected? Do you want intimacy? Does she?

After 5 months, you should be freaking crazy about each other if things were as they should be for a long term relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## scienist2 (May 16, 2014)

GuyInColorado said:


> Does she have any interest in sex?


Forgot my login.

I'd say that we are on the way there. Close but not just yet. No issues with being half naked in front of each other. I think we are both LDs. However, she does not initiate any cuddling or other physical activity. She had been alone for such a long time... I do not think she even knows how to behave in bed. But I do like her... although it is hard at times.


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## scienist2 (May 16, 2014)

Evinrude58 said:


> I am thinking from what you've described, that this person is not a good investment of your time. She is unavailable emotionally, she "doesn't want to be alone" but initiates nothing with you, and apparently has given you no real input as to how much she likes you. 99% of normal women are going to let a man they love, know that they love him. It's just how it works.
> 
> I don't want to be intrusive, but it's been 5 months and you've been camping and such with her. There's been kissing. Has there been anything further? Have you attempted and been rejected? Do you want intimacy? Does she?
> 
> ...


This could be true but it is also very hard to accept.

Perhaps she does not know how to behave in a relationship. She was badly hurt years ago and perhaps is now protecting herself from a possible disappointment.

I am not sure if she wants intimacy as she does not initiate. But I do want it and we are moving in the right direction.

She has the toughest possible personality for a woman (ISTP), which pretty much puts her in the 1-2% slot. That's right.

For example tonight- we went climbing (with other people) and on the way home I stepped by her apartment and kissed her goodnight. I am sure she likes that (unless we are both very tired). So perhaps she does need to be taught everything. Oh my.

Although I fought it so much, I have developed feelings for her. I think she has feelings as well but simply does not know how to deal with them.


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## evitaa (Jul 4, 2016)

yes!! just enjoy and go with the flow.!!


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