# easy question...hard answer????? WTF??



## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

as in my other threads i guess my husband and i are somewhat spearated...somewhat meaning he still does everything he should as a husband and father, but must stay somewhere else to get some space and regain himself.

WE had been looking to move, to get our children back into a neighborhood instead of so far out in the country. today he informs me he may have found a place...heres the question...if everything we discuss includes the we's and us's, does he just need to figure himself out...is this a mid life crisis??? i could scream. just want him to do what HE NEEDS TO DO AND COME HOME!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

If he comes home without figuring out what he wants (via force/manipulation/convincing/begging) than nothing will really change other than making your life miserable.

He's unsure what he wants that is clear in his conversation and action. 

What you want doesn't matter for him. It's all about him! Accept this for now. Do what you can to work on yourself. Give space and time. Whatever it is midlife crisis or not...it all about them. 

Do what you need to protect yourself from their selfishness. Set boundaries and be firm. He can't have it both ways.


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## KeepLoveAlive (Sep 7, 2009)

I'm not sure I understand.....did he find a place for all of you or just him? You said "We've been looking to move..." and "he found a place" so I'm confused.


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

a new home for the entire family


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

And that means he will come home?


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## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

Lost- I can sympathize with you. On another thread, I have commented that my wife left 12 weeks ago and is staying at her mothers. Dobo has commented several times on my frustration because the status quo in our marriage is intac with only one difference- she is staying at her mothers 5 minutes away. We share same bank accounts as always, same division of ersponsibilities, getting along great, says she loves me yada yada yada; comes by house every day to see dog and get mail; talks about the future with respect to house, private schools and kids etc-but she is NOT home and has not idea when and if she will come home. Its like playing house but you don't live there. I have thought about the same many times; whether it is a mid life crisis (she wants to quit her job at a world renowned company where she is a director to practice Mindfulness meditation), or whether she has something going on upstairs for acting like we are married and living together but she is at her mom's, but I think Dobo is right- they just are in a dark place in life and have absolutely no idea what they want. Which, in my opinion, it could be worse. If you read many threads, the person leaving wants "out"- a divorce and the mind is made up. The fact that he is not sure lends support that he still loves you but is really confused. I think backing off and not initiating is a good idea. However, I would not ignore either as I have also seen on other posts. When he initiates, keep it short and to the point but initiate. If he continues and exopands, follow suit. In essence, let him lead and you follow. Its likely that his confusion is much more about him than you or "the marriage" though I have read and experience in my own situation that the WAS many times assigns or attempts toa ssign blame and responsibility to theose left behind- thus, the term- Gaslighting. I know you cannot fix this situation; however, as I like to say to my clients (I am an attorney), while you can't fix the situation, you certaintly can make it worse, Follow the doctors oath and do no harm. Don't give your spouse an excuse to leave; don't take the bait. The best way to do this is not to initiate or let them drag you into the fights they start with themselves!


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