# Not tonight honey



## Darwin17 (Sep 29, 2015)

There is always going to be rejection in a sexual relationship at points. Some people do it in a right way some in a wrong way.

When I get denied I don't take it hard as my wife does something key. She gives me a back scratch (I love them) until I pass out or am winded down.

I would consider myself the HD partner but she is in no way a LD partner. But she is considerate in how she treats me.

It seems that most of the spouses that reject are just cruel people. Why not be nice?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Darwin17 said:


> There is always going to be rejection in a sexual relationship at points. Some people do it in a right way some in a wrong way.
> 
> When I get denied I don't take it hard as my wife does something key. She gives me a back scratch (I love them) until I pass out or am winded down.
> 
> ...


Well some here are more than happy to advocate using sex as a weapon or a tool but I don't think that is the majority of the world. I really think it's more of a mismatched priority. I mean think about it you get two people in a marriage and if they aren't on the same page something they are passionate about its easy to let resentment build. And since sex is something you can't , or at least shouldn't, go someplace else for you are stuck if your partner doesn't match priority or looses priority in it.

Bottom line is sex isn't as important to some people as others...and many seem to find that out way too late.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

the point to being rude and abrasive is that your partner is ever increasingly less likely to ask to all. then when they stop bothering with you at all, is when you jump in to complain you're being ignored.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Darwin17 said:


> There is always going to be rejection in a sexual relationship at points. Some people do it in a right way some in a wrong way.
> 
> When I get denied I don't take it hard as my wife does something key. She gives me a back scratch (I love them) until I pass out or am winded down.
> 
> ...


when I have to say no, I let my husband knows exactly why. Over time he knows I don't refuse unless something is not well. I am like your wife, it's never a no and making it seems as if you are wanting something I really don't want to give. Or you are imposing on me and making unwanted demands. I am gentle, with a kiss or hug and he is ok with that. Then, I hug or kiss his neck if he is going to take care of himself. Or I rub his butt or he rubs my butt until we are settled. He loves a good back scratch too.

We don't use sex as a weapon between us. We treat each other with kindness.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

Runs like Dog said:


> the point to being rude and abrasive is that your partner is ever increasingly less likely to ask to all. then when they stop bothering with you at all, is when you jump in to complain you're being ignored.


I agree. Sometimes the harsh rejection is meant to discourage talking about the reasons why not and/or initiating again at a later date or time.


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## Darwin17 (Sep 29, 2015)

I have been reading some posts here and they make me feel sad for people. It seems there are massive communication breakdowns or spouses who just don't care. I thank my lucky stars we communicate pretty well and she cares about me needs in this department.

To be honest I know that I am getting more than she want's but she is fine with that as it makes me happy. When I asked about it (communication) it felt like a swift kick in the sack but then came to realize just how loving and caring she really is.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Me too. I feel really bad for some posters. If only we can treat our partners with some kindness and respect in regards to sex, 3/4 of these issues will be gone. Thank God we have partners who are well matched with us. That we can talk to and who understands what each other is saying and needing.


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

Got to say I disagree with you. Rejection can be painful however what occurs outside the bedroom impacts what goes on inside! This is true because any wife or husband that is treated badly outside isn't going to be willing to do it just to make the other feel happy or wanted. When my feelings have been hurt, I withdraw. The last thing I care about is giving myself to someone who has treated my like sh*t! Obviously if this were not the case it would be a different story. If either is tired it is nice just hold one another and talk about anything and everything until we fall asleep.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

Threeblessings said:


> Got to say I disagree with you. Rejection can be painful however what occurs outside the bedroom impacts what goes on inside! * This is true because any wife or husband that is treated badly outside isn't going to be willing to do it just to make the other feel happy or wanted.* When my feelings have been hurt, I withdraw. The last thing I care about is giving myself to someone who has treated my like sh*t! Obviously if this were not the case it would be a different story. If either is tired it is nice just hold one another and talk about anything and everything until we fall asleep.


who exactly do you disagree with? This is a thread discussing why some people must deal with harsh rejections. The initiator is being treated badly by the partner who is content with no sex. The op says that his wife lets him down easy and is considerate and affectionate, and that he doesn't understand why others can't be kind.


brooklynAnn said:


> If only we can treat our partners with some kindness and respect in regards to sex, 3/4 of these issues will be gone.


^others agree that kindness from the person who is saying no would solve many problems.

I could understand your post if we were talking about people who are not kind to their partners, and then want sex from them. But we are talking about people who *already* want sex and are met with unkindness.

I would love it if my sex drive were turned off when I'm being treated poorly. Must be nice to be able to turn it on and off like a switch. You'll have to share your secret, it might help a lot of the people on this forum. Imagine, all the people that desire more sex from a partner who isn't nice about saying no. Problem solved!
:slap:

I may no longer want to have sex with my husband after he rejects me unkindly, and i certainly don't want to "just hold one another and talk about anything and everything until we fall asleep" afterwards. 
However, it doesn't diminish my desire for sex. It simply leaves me sexually frustrated with no good solutions.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> Well some here are more than happy to advocate using sex as a weapon or a tool but I don't think that is the majority of the world. I really think it's more of a mismatched priority. I mean think about it you get two people in a marriage and if they aren't on the same page something they are passionate about its easy to let resentment build. And since sex is something you can't , or at least shouldn't, go someplace else for you are stuck if your partner doesn't match priority or looses priority in it.
> 
> Bottom line is sex isn't as important to some people as others...and many seem to find that out way too late.


I dont give a pass to people who 'dont think sex is important' so they reject their spouses. If they arent mature enough or caring enough to realize that sex IS important to the vast majority of people then they shouldnt be married.

I agree with all of this though; there are legitimate reasons to decline, and when you need to, do it kindly. But I also agree some people use it as a weapon. Thats evil.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Nice? Nice??? Because most rejections aren't NICE...They are in the form of LIES and flimsy excuses......I have a sick headache.....That doesn't keep her from playing CANDY FREAKING CRUSH for 2 hours....$h1t like that...No respect....


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

brooklynAnn said:


> Me too. I feel really bad for some posters. If only we can treat our partners with some kindness and respect in regards to sex, 3/4 of these issues will be gone. Thank God we have partners who are well matched with us. That we can talk to and who understands what each other is saying and needing.


Don't count your chickens....Our first 5,000 times were great....now tired excuses...


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

sixty-eight said:


> who exactly do you disagree with? This is a thread discussing why some people must deal with harsh rejections. The initiator is being treated badly by the partner who is content with no sex. The op says that his wife lets him down easy and is considerate and affectionate, and that he doesn't understand why others can't be kind.
> 
> ^others agree that kindness from the person who is saying no would solve many problems.
> 
> ...


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

Threeblessings said:


> Obviously that is clear. Kindness/unkindness is once again bought on by feelings. You sound like an angel and someone who can forget about what's happened outside and get on with it so you don't hurt your husband. Good on you. Be kind and nice about it absolutely. After all feelings and actions are connected!


no, my original point, was that you missed the op's point. i think it happened again.


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## Darwin17 (Sep 29, 2015)

I am in no way sexually frustrated and we have a very consistent love life over the past 14 years. I do get rejected occupationally but in a very kind way in most cases. If I get the "tomorrow" statement then I can fully expect to get it tomorrow without me saying anything. We follow through with what we say.....that is called trust.

We have good communication and are kind and understanding to each others needs and wants. There are many people who don't have this on TAM.

Now if there was constant rejection and she was nice about it we would talk about what is going on but that has never happened. Again communication and caring for each other count for a huge thing.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Darwin17 said:


> There is always going to be rejection in a sexual relationship at points. Some people do it in a right way some in a wrong way.
> 
> When I get denied I don't take it hard as my wife does something key. She gives me a back scratch (I love them) until I pass out or am winded down.
> 
> ...


I think you've come the wrong conclusion Darwin. Cruel sounds like intent. I don't think most LD partners are intentionally mean.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Darwin17 said:


> There is always going to be rejection in a sexual relationship at points. Some people do it in a right way some in a wrong way.
> 
> When I get denied I don't take it hard as my wife does something key. She gives me a back scratch (I love them) until I pass out or am winded down.
> 
> ...


I actually wholeheartedly agree with @Darwin17 in this post. We all spend SO MUCH EFFORT on wanting to learn how to turn on our LD spouses and how to make sex better and more frequent, that we often miss that it is *just as important to have a sexual vocabulary that allows our LD spouses to slow things down and cool us off in a loving way*.

Scenario #1 HD: Honey let's have sex tonight. LD: I'm tired, not tonight (but yet he/she complains about being too awake and not being able to sleep that same night).

Scenario #2 HD: Honey let's have sex tonight. LD: I'm too tired, but I was thinking about you and got you a jar of coconut oil. I also found an erotic story for you to read online. It is printed out and hidden in my underwear drawer. If you can read it and manage to leave the jar of coconut oil unopened and wait for me, I might just do what is described in the last paragraph in the story for you tomorrow after you take me out on an expensive date! 

Now I know scenario #2 would likely never happen, but if I told my wife that I would enjoy something like that, I am sure she would accommodate. Knowing me, the jar of coconut oil would put me over the edge, I'd admit to it the next day, but tell her I am taking her out on the best date ever because she made me feel loved! Then afterwards the planets would finally align if you know what I mean. 

So in support of Darwin's post, these things just will not happen with our LD spouses unless we *communicate and learn loving ways to turn down each others advances when needed*.

Badsanta


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Thundarr said:


> I think you've come the wrong conclusion Darwin. Cruel sounds like intent. I don't think most LD partners are intentionally mean.


I am pretty sure Darwin is correct. While a spouse would not intend to be cruel, sometimes frustration can actually cause cruel things to be said as a self defense tactic. 

Badsanta


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

You married a good person.




Darwin17 said:


> There is always going to be rejection in a sexual relationship at points. Some people do it in a right way some in a wrong way.
> 
> When I get denied I don't take it hard as my wife does something key. She gives me a back scratch (I love them) until I pass out or am winded down.
> 
> ...


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> I think you've come the wrong conclusion Darwin. Cruel sounds like intent. I don't think most LD partners are intentionally mean.


I think most aren't intentionally mean. There are many times LD aren't really low drive, but for legitimate reasons (relationhip or physical issues) they're not into sex and find reasons to avoid it.

but I have to say that when the issue is LD and low drive only (in an otherwise good loving relationship), it is very often a matter of just not caring enough at the expense of your partner. Is that cruel? Fine line there between intentional cruelty and not caring.

personally I would call not giving much of a damn a form of cruelty.


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

My wife is really into making promises to have sex and then backing out on those promises. Feels great. Very caring form of rejection.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## homedepot (May 13, 2014)

Rejection isn't a good thing being married. Like some one else said, people harshly reject hubby because they don't want to deal with the real issue.


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## Darwin17 (Sep 29, 2015)

jd08 said:


> My wife is really into making promises to have sex and then backing out on those promises. Feels great. Very caring form of rejection.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Constant rejection is a bigger problem. If I got rejected several times in a row we would "have a talk". I have only had to do that once and made it very clear what my expectations were.

If a spouse can not hit your expectations than a compromise that works must be made. If the spouse is not willing to compromise to what you need than you need to take a look at who you are with.

Everyone has a right to say no but you don't have a right to completely ignore your spouses needs in a relationship.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

In a healthy relationship where each individual desire each other on an equal basis( or close to) then, a bit of rejection is not so bad. I am talking about the once in a while rejection. 

However, the way the rejection is handled is key. I don't want my husband to feel unwanted, so I just say why I am saying no. Then, I make sure to follow that up with some caring action. Might be a hug and a kiss. We just hold each other until that passes. Because we know there is a definite next time waiting.

In relationships where sex is used as a weapon or a means to punish then, the rejected person will be expected to feel bad. I think that is a normal response. Maybe, this is what the h/w saying no wants them to feel. Like someone said, it's a fine line between not caring and being cruel.


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

My boyfriend and I have both been the LD in unhappy relationships with a demanding HD partner. We kind of do the reverse of what's been described in this thread. When he (nicely) rejects me, I'm the one who shows him some kind of caring action. It's my way of saying that it's okay, I respect his feelings, and I'm not upset. He does the same thing for me when I say no.

We've both been written off as cruel or selfish for saying no to a partner in the past, so it's important to us that neither of us should have to feel that way now. And it's incredibly relieving for both of us, to be able to say no without a guilt trip or an expectation to offer some sort of compensation for not being in the mood. 

This probably wouldn't work for a couple with a serious mismatch. But we're pretty evenly matched, so it works well for us.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

jorgegene said:


> *I dont give a pass to people who 'dont think sex is important' so they reject their spouses.* If they arent mature enough or caring enough to realize that sex IS important to the vast majority of people then they shouldnt be married.
> 
> I agree with all of this though; there are legitimate reasons to decline, and when you need to, do it kindly. But I also agree some people use it as a weapon. Thats evil.


Exactly, as in my signature.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

NoSizeQueen said:


> My boyfriend and I have both been the LD in unhappy relationships with a demanding HD partner. We kind of do the reverse of what's been described in this thread. When he (nicely) rejects me, I'm the one who shows him some kind of caring action. It's my way of saying that it's okay, I respect his feelings, and I'm not upset. He does the same thing for me when I say no.
> 
> We've both been written off as cruel or selfish for saying no to a partner in the past, so it's important to us that neither of us should have to feel that way now. And it's incredibly relieving for both of us, to be able to say no without a guilt trip or an expectation to offer some sort of compensation for not being in the mood.
> 
> This probably wouldn't work for a couple with a serious mismatch. But we're pretty evenly matched, so it works well for us.


This.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Look this is simple. 

If you have the ropes on just right there can be no rejection.

Just sayin 😈


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## Darwin17 (Sep 29, 2015)

The whole sexless marriage thing I have a hard time with and is an all too common theme. HD or LD or whatever if you are in a relationship with each other and care about each other then it should work. 

I am very sensitive to the subject and don't take getting denied too well. My first marriage was sexless after the ring was put on the hand and I ended it. If it matters to you about sex then sit down and talk it out and if a compromise can't be met then walk. I don't condone a spouse not caring about the needs and wants of the other. LD will say "my needs are not to" and the HD says "my needs are to have it" and if it matters and no compromise can happen the leave.

One of my closest friends had a wife that was LD and did not at all take care of his needs. I told him what if your wife gave you a HJ three times a week? Would that work for you? He told me with bright eyes that yes it could and he went to the wife and they talked about it. She resisted hard core and he told her that is if this is not something that she could do than it was over. We are talking about 30 min a week to make your spouse happy in this case......and you don't have to be "ready" and you can do it with a "head ache". They started this and after about two months he was happy as a clam and you know what? She started making love to her husband more as she was like "why can't he be the only one to feel good" and they have been in a good place for several years now.

This is not worth a war and it is two adults trying to figure out what works and if one spouse refuses to try then they don't care and it should be ended.

Now for good relationships where in general it is all good then this is where compassion comes in like I was talking about at the start. My wife has less of a drive than I do....not some sort of zero drive but I want it about twice as many times than she does. She compromises by having it more than she want's and if I want it and she isn't up to it then she handles it in other ways 80% of the time. For that 10% where she isn't up to anything and I can't get her revved up she will let me down soft. Also if she says she will do something like "not today how about tomorrow" she is a person of her word and we will have a good time the next day. 

Years of a sexless marriage in my opinion is not tolerable and in no way is respect in a relationship. For those that are the HD partner in this sit your LD spouse down and talk about it. If they blow you off then you know your answer and it won't get better as they DO NOT CARE about your needs and desires and that is not a relationship. 

Over and over and over again you read about this and it almost never gets better. The solution is find someone else that cares about you. This can be a wake up call for the LD partner as all of a sudden they don't have the power and they can not have sex with anyone if you are not there.

That is my thoughts on the matter.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

jd08 said:


> My wife is really into making promises to have sex and then backing out on those promises. Feels great. Very caring form of rejection.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Same here - she did this a couple of weeks ago on Friday. Tells me on the phone that we should have sex over the weekend. I reply let's do it. She then spend the weekend complaining that her back hurts, she's really tired, has a bad headache, on and on. She then turns it on me by saying that I don't initiate. 

I still go back to the time a few years ago when we went out for the first time after the kids arrived (they were about a year old) to a nice restaurant and have a great meal and drinks, and sex is certainly on the agenda. Long story short, we get home and she gets her flannel pj's on and informs me that she's really tired but will consent to sex if I insist. No thanks. Same thing the next week except the excuse when we got home was cramps. I just gave up after that.


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## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

if my wife tells me not tonight I KNOW she is sick. Luckily for me her sex drive is as high as mine 90% of the time, to the point she even approves if I wake her from sleep for sex. She will get on to me for not waking her if she finds out I was in the mood but decided to let her sleep. 

Yes I know mine is a rare occurrence, as many friends that have been married for even just a couple years say they have sex less frequently each passing month. We have been together 21 years now, and the passion is still just as strong as ever.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

NoSizeQueen said:


> My boyfriend and I have both been the LD in unhappy relationships with a demanding HD partner. We kind of do the reverse of what's been described in this thread. When he (nicely) rejects me, I'm the one who shows him some kind of caring action. It's my way of saying that it's okay, I respect his feelings, and I'm not upset. He does the same thing for me when I say no.
> 
> We've both been written off as cruel or selfish for saying no to a partner in the past, so it's important to us that neither of us should have to feel that way now. And it's incredibly relieving for both of us, to be able to say no without a guilt trip or an expectation to offer some sort of compensation for not being in the mood.
> 
> This probably wouldn't work for a couple with a serious mismatch. But we're pretty evenly matched, so it works well for us.


Before you met your husband, I bet you would run like a gazelle when feeling pressured for sex and he probably did the same. It must have been exciting when you had the first conversation on sex and frequency and realized he might be the guy that fits you. Your drives are close to the same and you're both also reciprocate appreciation for not being pressured. Compatibility is just hard to replace.


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

Thundarr said:


> Before you met your husband, I bet you would run like a gazelle when feeling pressured for sex and he probably did the same. It must have been exciting when you had the first conversation on sex and frequency and realized he might be the guy that fits you. Your drives are close to the same and you're both also reciprocate appreciation for not being pressured. Compatibility is just hard to replace.


Very true, especially since I had never really experienced compatibility before. And in this happier environment, I'm having sex more often and I'm enjoying it much more! But I also know that when I'm not in the mood, I can just say so without having to defend my position. It's nice that when I have a headache or something, I won't be pressured to have sex anyway!


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