# So confused....



## gaatkeypr (Dec 18, 2011)

Guess I am just going to put this out there, I don't know what is right or wrong. I need advice...

My wife cheated on me about six months ago, it was my family who alerted me to her and my family was very very very hurt.

My wife and I have decided we are going to try and make a go of it (I cheated on her a long time ago as well).

The problem is that my wife currently reside out of town (about 4 hours away) and doesn't come down as often (she is working on moving back.. long story)

So she is coming down for xmas and my family invited me to xmas dinner on the 25. Naturally I wanted to bring my wife. My family seems to have some concerns. They do not feel that this is the right time to bring her and state that they will all be very uncomfortable.

I indicated that I would consider not going and they took offense to that as well.

So basically the only thing I can do to make my family happy is to go to family dinner without my wife, but then that hurts my wife.

So what am I supposed to do? Its always a no win situation for me. I just wanted to hear some thoughts.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

gaatkeypr said:


> So what am I supposed to do? Its always a no win situation for me. I just wanted to hear some thoughts.



You are supposed to support your wife, that`s what it means being your wife, she comes first before anything.

That`s why she`s your wife.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

No brainer. You don't go to the family Christmas gathering. You can't please all of the people all of the time.


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## gaatkeypr (Dec 18, 2011)

So if it's that easy then why do I feel like I have to pick sides? I understand my family is hurt. I just met with my dad tonight for dinner and he was talking to me and he said "if she tries to hug me, I will step back and shake her hand".

This is the first time they see her for a long time. The exception is my mother. She loves my wife, she understands what we are going through and she like me has been through alot of counselling


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## gaatkeypr (Dec 18, 2011)

Lets be clear that they have said its ok for me to bring her just that they will be uncomfortable.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Does your wife know that they know about her affair?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Explain to your family that you are trying to make your marriage work and right now that is your priority. Thus you will be spending Christmas with your wife. If they have SAID that they would not be comfortable with her around then do not push her on them now. 

My wife constantly put her (mother and father) ahead of our marriage and it caused years of strain on our relationship.

BTW - does your family know about your affair? If not, telling them about it might help them understand why you are willing to forgive what your wife has done.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

WOW. Just read what your Dad said. The situation is tense. Spend Christmas with her alone.


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## gaatkeypr (Dec 18, 2011)

morituri said:


> Does your wife know that they know about her affair?


Yes she knows, it was a major bone of contention since I told her my brother told me about it (found out from facebook, hate that site!)


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## gaatkeypr (Dec 18, 2011)

TDSC60 said:


> Explain to your family that you are trying to make your marriage work and right now that is your priority. Thus you will be spending Christmas with your wife. If they have SAID that they would not be comfortable with her around then do not push her on them now.
> 
> My wife constantly put her (mother and father) ahead of our marriage and it caused years of strain on our relationship.
> 
> BTW - does your family know about your affair? If not, telling them about it might help them understand why you are willing to forgive what your wife has done.


Yes, I have told my family about my affair, I have also told her family about my affair.

Let me ask a question, if I stay away from xmas (btw, its my bros first xmas in his new house and first time he has had family over) won't that cause even more of a wedge between her and my family? Won't they look at it as being her fault?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

So who cares if they believe that, you're not married to them are you? Do they come first before your wife?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Another way to handle it is to tell your family that you are brining her over for XMas and that you would appreciate their support and their treating her as well as always. That you are trying to fix your marriage.. what she did is the same thing you did before. And they still love you. She's their family now as well. Also remind them that her family knows about your affair and has not mistreated you over it. You would hope that your family is as understanding as her family. 

And then go with her. If it's too tense just leave early. Have an excuse ready.. like you have friends to go see. Or you are getting the flue or leprosy, or something like that.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

It is not your or your wife's fault, it is your families fault. They are the ones taking sides, they are the ones being selfish, the are the ones that will need to ask for forgiveness. 

Simple, did you see the movie Sophie's Choice, if not: Sophie is a Jew during WWII in a Nazi concentration camp, two lined are being formed by the guards. One line leads straight to the gas chambers and the ovens, the other line to the work camp. The prisoners know what is going on. 

Sophie is in the work camp line with her two young children. A Nazi Officer forces Sophie to pick one child to go to the gas/oven line, and one to go with her to the work camp. If Sophie dies not make the choice all three would be killed. 

Sophie chose one child to save and the other was led off to their immediate death.

A much different context but who is the wrong person.....I would say the person who is forcing the choice, I think we can agree to that.

Tell your family that you have decided to reconcile with your wife and you two will celebrate the Holy Days with your wife with who ever will welcome you to their home or you will celebrate as a couple.

Those in your family that will embrace you wife (your mom) need to step up and be counted against those who do not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

How extensive was her and your affairs?


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Another way to handle it is to tell your family that you are brining her over for XMas and that you would appreciate their support and their treating her as well as always. That you are trying to fix your marriage.. what she did is the same thing you did before. And they still love you. She's their family now as well. Also remind them that her family knows about your affair and has not mistreated you over it. You would hope that your family is as understanding as her family.
> 
> And then go with her. If it's too tense just leave early. Have an excuse ready.. like you have friends to go see. Or you are getting the flue or leprosy, or something like that.


:iagree: Very good advice.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Bring your wife. You both are working to make it work and your family should be supportive of that. If they can't stand your wife to be around, maybe they should take a moment to consider who is the one that's really uncomfortable with all of this - you or your family


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