# My cheating "friend" has me feeling judgemental and hypocritical these days



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Well, I shouldn't say friend. When I was married she used to be my mistress, once for six months then we broke it off, then again for another few months about a year or so later. She like me was also serial cheater, I actually met her on Ashley Madison, yes there were real women on that site. Throughout the years she would update me, seemed she always had a new lover, in recent years I blocked her, because she was someone that just made me uncomfortable (I forgot to block her on fb). The life that she lived I used to think was great, but once I got separated/divorced I saw it for what it was. She and I were probably textbook love addicts, always looking for the next exciting fling. I got out of this cycle, clearly she is still in it. 

I received a fb message from her two days ago, updating me on her life. Basically she got caught cheating, and was going to leave, but her husband begged her back. Now I know that her husband has no idea that she has never been faithful to him, I mean since the very beginning of their relationship. Now here he is thinking he is working on his marriage with her. To make matters worse I kind of feel bad for her OM too. Poor guy is so caught up in the fog he left his wife and kids for her, he wasn't a serial like us, just some guy she met on an airplane that supposedly had never cheated before. Everything she says about him indicates to me that he is in over his head. But....he made his choice. I guess I am dumbfounded that she has created all this carnage around her, and the only thing she can focus on his her.

So what is the point of this post? I guess I am mad at myself, I didn't bother to tell her how I really felt about what she was doing, I was just kind of going with the conversation in general, and I ended it by saying I have a serious girlfriend now and I didn't think she would approve of me communicating with her. She got ticked and abruptly ended communication, which I am of course fine with. I guess two things bother me about this, the first thing is I used to be exactly like her, and I am ashamed to admit that. The other thing is I guess I feel like I should have given her a wake up call, and told her how screwed up her behavior is. I am mad at myself for not saying anything, but who am I to judge. I used to be with her, and being honest I didn't give her husband a second thought back then when we were meeting in hotel rooms.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

ReformedHubby said:


> I am mad at myself for not saying anything, but who am I to judge. I used to be with her, and being honest I didn't give her husband a second thought back then when we were meeting in hotel rooms.


Some people grow. Some people don't. Sounds like you did and she didn't.

Her husband is the one I worry about. He's going to go down a typical false reconciliation path with someone with no intention of ever being faithful to him, and has never been. And she'll never tell him the truth.

I cannot judge you, and I certainly can't absolve you of your feelings, but the first thing that came to my mind would be to tell her husband everything. Even anonymously. I think that might make me feel better in that situation, because I would have done what I could do to give him the tools to make decisions he needs to make. And it might give her the wake up call she needs.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

People grow and change for the worse and the better.

You grew healthier. You're not a hypocrite because you are no longer behaving that way.

I've outgrown some unhealthy friends myself as I got a healthier outlook on life.

If she is still available to contact, I might express real concern to her about the family she helped destroy and her faithful husband she is manipulating.

You could share your changes and hope she can do the same. If I knew the husband, I would probably bring him up to date with real information to work with.

If you have no idea about him, just let it go.

She is a shadow in the past.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I’ll be honest with you here, you sound a bit sanctimonious about this woman. The term “Poacher turned Gamekeeper springs to mind. 
If you really have changed then you need to let her husband know everything.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> I’ll be honest with you here, you sound a bit *sanctimonious* about this woman. The term “Poacher turned Gamekeeper springs to mind.
> If you really have changed then you need to let her husband know everything.


I had to google that word! No offense taken at all, honestly I do feel that way. But it took me going through what I went through to see it. I figured this thread could turn into a referendum on should I tell her husband or not, but I am not going to do that. 

I do know who her husband is and where he works etc., but there is history there of domestic violence (from what she told me when we were together), so I wouldn't want to touch off anything. That and I'll be brutally honest, if I did that she would know its me that did it, and his rage may be turned on me because she would have nothing to lose by exposing me at that point. I guess for me I wish I at least tried to "see the light". There is nothing "fun" about what she is doing to others and herself right now. She was actually more focused on wanting to go on a trip with her AP as soon as she can than anything else.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

ReformedHubby said:


> The other thing is I guess I feel like I should have given her a wake up call, and told her how screwed up her behavior is. I am mad at myself for not saying anything, but *who am I to judge*.


It isn't a popular opinion these days, but imho we all should judge others. You are the perfect person to judge her because you know who she really is, and you have a valuable perspective of the situation.

Now what you do with that judgment is up to you. I like the idea of contacting her husband. It could be he would seek R even if he knew of her true cheating history, and that would be his choice to make. You could save him from many years of the agony of false R. Or, he could choose D. In either case he would be steering his own ship rather than being in the dark about reality.

If you do contact him, I would provide enough data that he would have a hard time brushing it off. And I think I would try to assure him I wasn't trying to blow up his marriage, and give some kind of hint about researching true R vs false R, and don't rugsweep. Or even point him to TAM.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

ReformedHubby said:


> I had to google that word! No offense taken at all, honestly I do feel that way. But it took me going through what I went through to see it. I figured this thread could turn into a referendum on should I tell her husband or not, but I am not going to do that.
> 
> I do know who her husband is and where he works etc., but there is history there of domestic violence (from what she told me when we were together), so I wouldn't want to touch off anything. That and I'll be brutally honest, if I did that she would know its me that did it, and his rage may be turned on me because she would have nothing to lose by exposing me at that point. I guess for me I wish I at least tried to "see the light". There is nothing "fun" about what she is doing to others and herself right now. She was actually more focused on wanting to go on a trip with her AP as soon as she can than anything else.


Well if he’s violent with her then I’d say just let them st it. They deserve each other.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Ok, I was responding when you wrote your last post. Nix telling him! It sounds like a really messed up situation all around.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> People grow and change for the worse and the better.
> 
> You grew healthier. You're not a hypocrite because you are no longer behaving that way.
> 
> ...


I may say something but I seriously doubt it. Selfishly, my life is really good right now, and getting involved with this is taking a risk on my part. IMO she does need to hear how awful this is from someone other than her husband. He did expose her affair to her family, but her father and sister are also adulterers so they are more concerned that she is happy than anything else. Because well her first marriage ended because she got caught cheating on him too, so her family sees it as a situation where she hasn't found the right person. Which is not an uncommon view point if there is a lot of adultery in your FOO, seems you either loathe it, or become it and find reasons to justify it.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

I won't go on a long rant.
But to put it simply, blow up her world and save his.
Give him the information that he needs to make an informed decision about not only his relationship, but his life.
Whatever decision he makes is up to him, but he can make it with both eyes wide open.
Do the honorable thing.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

ReformedHubby said:


> I do know who her husband is and where he works etc., but there is history there of domestic violence (from what she told me when we were together), so I wouldn't want to touch off anything. That and I'll be brutally honest, if I did that she would know its me that did it, and his rage may be turned on me because she would have nothing to lose by exposing me at that point.


Your call on doing what you need to do to stay safe. However, I've heard enough excuses enough times from cheating spouses about abuse, dead bedrooms, and lots of stuff to consider that suspect.

Again, do what you have to do here.


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## SayItRight (Apr 23, 2020)

Give her a call, reveal all this. Get the stone off your chest. I think you stop getting back to the thoughts of her shen you close this issue in your head. I also recommend Volikov test, it helped me to reveal people's personal qualities at some point of my life when I was going through some trus issues.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I wouldn't call anyone. If you are done with that chapter in your life then close that book and leave it alone.

You are not responsible of her life and her decisions. She's someone you used to know. Someone that maybe helped shaping your life but not the reason why you lived your life. 

Just forget about her and move on.


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## Mylehigh (Jul 8, 2019)

Good grief people! This forum sure has its share of eager drama seekers calling the plays from their armchairs of anonymity. 

I'm sure people on here saying "tell him!" have never done anything in their lives that they chose to keep to themselves either to spare others' pain, or maybe just to get away with something they did. Then they get their rocks off coming here to egg others on to divorce, dump, tell, whatever... and eagerly await the next dramatic installment of other people's lives falling apart.

To me, this is an obvious case of you projecting on to her your new 'frame of mind' and now you are tempted to take on the role of the moral police. Give me a break. Just forget about all of them and do your thing. You have no moral base let alone a right to meddle with any of them. WTF

Or maybe you would welcome someone contacting you and revealing things about your new love's past under the guise of protecting you. Yeah, I doubt that.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Marduk said:


> Your call on doing what you need to do to stay safe. However, I've heard enough excuses enough times from cheating spouses about abuse, dead bedrooms, and lots of stuff to consider that suspect.
> 
> Again, do what you have to do here.


You make a valid point. I really don't know if I have the truth about their relationship. According to her they were also sexless, but I don't really believe that, because they look so happy on social media. 

With that said, I totally understand why they are some that would take a hard line and tell her husband, but they don't have to walk in my shoes. Let me spell it out for you. Her husband is a bad ass, former special ops from another country that immigrated to America to marry her, and does "consulting" work overseas from time to time for various companies. I really don't know if he would shoot the messenger or not, and quite frankly I am not willing to put myself at risk. I do know that her current husband knows she cheated on her first husband, he obviously now knows she cheated on him too. I do feel like I would be the tipping point, but I honestly know my girlfriend wants me as far away from this woman as possible as she knows everything. Selfishly, my own life takes priority over this, and I can admit that. Things are much more complicated in real life than when we describe them on here. I am not going to lose my current girlfriend over this. Finding a good match at my age isn't as easy as you may think. She feels very strongly about this woman popping back up, I also really need to respect that.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Mylehigh said:


> Good grief people! This forum sure has its share of eager drama seekers calling the plays from their armchairs of anonymity.
> 
> I'm sure people on here saying "tell him!" have never done anything in their lives that they chose to keep to themselves either to spare others' pain, or maybe just to get away with something they did. Then they get their rocks off coming here to egg others on to divorce, dump, tell, whatever... and eagerly await the next dramatic installment of other people's lives falling apart.
> 
> ...


Well stated...with that said this is a discussion board, and as a long time member here, its something thats on my mind, and that I wanted to share. I really did want the thoughts of others.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

ReformedHubby said:


> You make a valid point. I really don't know if I have the truth about their relationship. According to her they were also sexless, but I don't really believe that, because they look so happy on social media.
> 
> With that said, I totally understand why they are some that would take a hard line and tell her husband, but they don't have to walk in my shoes. Let me spell it out for you. Her husband is a bad ass, former special ops from another country that immigrated to America to marry her, and does "consulting" work overseas from time to time for various companies. I really don't know if he would shoot the messenger or not, and quite frankly I am not willing to put myself at risk. I do know that her current husband knows she cheated on her first husband, he obviously now knows she cheated on him too. I do feel like I would be the tipping point, but I honestly know my girlfriend wants me as far away from this woman as possible as she knows everything. Selfishly, my own life takes priority over this, and I can admit that. Things are much more complicated in real life than when we describe them on here. I am not going to lose my current girlfriend over this. Finding a good match at my age isn't as easy as you may think. She feels very strongly about this woman popping back up, I also really need to respect that.


I get it. Do what you have to do. 

Regarding dead bedrooms - I have personally been hit on by a buddy's wife and had her claim that her husband wouldn't have sex with her. My buddy had confided in me that she had claimed to be asexual and wouldn't have sex with him. Only one of those were true, and it wasn't what she was saying.

Again, do what you have to do. Keep yourself safe and stay true to yourself. Honor your commitments to your girlfriend for sure. I guess at least know that there's a very real probability that she's lied to you as much as she's lied to her husband.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

ReformedHubby said:


> Well, I shouldn't say friend. When I was married she used to be my mistress, once for six months then we broke it off, then again for another few months about a year or so later. She like me was also serial cheater, I actually met her on Ashley Madison, yes there were real women on that site. Throughout the years she would update me, seemed she always had a new lover, in recent years I blocked her, because she was someone that just made me uncomfortable (I forgot to block her on fb). The life that she lived I used to think was great, but once I got separated/divorced I saw it for what it was. She and I were probably textbook love addicts, always looking for the next exciting fling. I got out of this cycle, clearly she is still in it.
> 
> I received a fb message from her two days ago, updating me on her life. Basically she got caught cheating, and was going to leave, but her husband begged her back. Now I know that her husband has no idea that she has never been faithful to him, I mean since the very beginning of their relationship. Now here he is thinking he is working on his marriage with her. To make matters worse I kind of feel bad for her OM too. Poor guy is so caught up in the fog he left his wife and kids for her, he wasn't a serial like us, just some guy she met on an airplane that supposedly had never cheated before. Everything she says about him indicates to me that he is in over his head. But....he made his choice. I guess I am dumbfounded that she has created all this carnage around her, and the only thing she can focus on his her.
> 
> So what is the point of this post? I guess I am mad at myself, I didn't bother to tell her how I really felt about what she was doing, I was just kind of going with the conversation in general, and I ended it by saying I have a serious girlfriend now and I didn't think she would approve of me communicating with her. She got ticked and abruptly ended communication, which I am of course fine with. I guess two things bother me about this, the first thing is I used to be exactly like her, and I am ashamed to admit that. The other thing is I guess I feel like I should have given her a wake up call, and told her how screwed up her behavior is. I am mad at myself for not saying anything, but who am I to judge. I used to be with her, and being honest I didn't give her husband a second thought back then when we were meeting in hotel rooms.


You should, you were exactly like her. But it also proves you changed. Unfortunately you have work to do still though. Does your girlfriend know what a "bad person" to say it nicely you were? You should tell her and tell her you made contact. Also all this ex should have heard from you was crickets. Finally you could anonymously send the husband a note letting him know what a POS he is married to. See it as a kind of atonement.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

ReformedHubby said:


> Well stated...with that said this is a discussion board, and as a long time member here, its something thats on my mind, and that I wanted to share. I really did want the thoughts of others.


Just like your post said it's called a discussion board. You can't expect to post and people not discuss. It's not a sharing board, there are places for that too.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

sokillme said:


> You should, you were exactly like her. But it also proves you changed. Unfortunately you have work to do still though. Does your girlfriend know what a "bad person" to say it nicely you were? You should tell her and tell her you made contact. *Also all this ex should have heard from you was crickets.* Finally you could anonymously send the husband a note letting him know what a POS he is married to. See it as a kind of atonement.


My girlfriend knows my entire life story, the good and the bad. But you were right, when I was contacted I shouldn't have said anything. I should have just unfriended her and blocked her immediately. I definitely shouldn't have responded, honestly I was just being nosey. I couldn't believe what she was telling me. With that said you will be disappointed in me, because there is zero chance I tell my girlfriend about it. I have no interest in this woman at all, as far as I am concerned I shouldn't have replied at all but its not like I was flirting, and I did shut it down and ultimately block her, so I don't feel like I should have to say anything. With a past as checkered as mine occasionally people pop back up, I am not going to give my girlfriend reason to worry over nothing. 

Regarding telling the husband I am not going to do that either. It sounds good on here, but trust me there is no anonymous way to do it, she will 100 percent know its me for sure. I don't know for sure if the allegations of domestic violence are true, but I am not willing to test it. What if its true? There are those that would say whatever happens wouldn't be my fault, but I would feel differently


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Marduk said:


> Your call on doing what you need to do to stay safe. However, I've heard enough excuses enough times from cheating spouses about abuse, dead bedrooms, and lots of stuff to consider that suspect.
> 
> Again, do what you have to do here.


I was thinking the same. All he knows is what she's telling him.

And of course cheaters never lie.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

ReformedHubby said:


> Well, I shouldn't say friend. When I was married she used to be my mistress, once for six months then we broke it off, then again for another few months about a year or so later. She like me was also serial cheater, I actually met her on Ashley Madison, yes there were real women on that site. Throughout the years she would update me, seemed she always had a new lover, in recent years I blocked her, because she was someone that just made me uncomfortable (I forgot to block her on fb). The life that she lived I used to think was great, but once I got separated/divorced I saw it for what it was. She and I were probably textbook love addicts, always looking for the next exciting fling. I got out of this cycle, clearly she is still in it.
> 
> I received a fb message from her two days ago, updating me on her life. Basically she got caught cheating, and was going to leave, but her husband begged her back. Now I know that her husband has no idea that she has never been faithful to him, I mean since the very beginning of their relationship. Now here he is thinking he is working on his marriage with her. To make matters worse I kind of feel bad for her OM too. Poor guy is so caught up in the fog he left his wife and kids for her, he wasn't a serial like us, just some guy she met on an airplane that supposedly had never cheated before. Everything she says about him indicates to me that he is in over his head. But....he made his choice. I guess I am dumbfounded that she has created all this carnage around her, and the only thing she can focus on his her.
> 
> So what is the point of this post? I guess I am mad at myself, I didn't bother to tell her how I really felt about what she was doing, I was just kind of going with the conversation in general, and I ended it by saying I have a serious girlfriend now and I didn't think she would approve of me communicating with her. She got ticked and abruptly ended communication, which I am of course fine with. I guess two things bother me about this, the first thing is I used to be exactly like her, and I am ashamed to admit that. The other thing is I guess I feel like I should have given her a wake up call, and told her how screwed up her behavior is. I am mad at myself for not saying anything, but who am I to judge. I used to be with her, and being honest I didn't give her husband a second thought back then when we were meeting in hotel rooms.


Well, you could have thrown her under the bus big time...just include yourself.
You could have said something like.....you and I are and have been disgusting, selfish people who do nothing but hurt and lie to people...blah, blah, blah and just tear her a new one...just include yourself and say we are this, we are that, people like us....etc. and then just have ended it with.....but I see how much I hurt others and how awful and selfish I was and I gave it up, I am not like that anymore and then end it with and because you still actively lie, cheat, hurt people, betray and ruin relationships and cause others misery I no longer what any contact with you. Good bye. 
You could have outed her to everyone too.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

I would not worry yourself about you not giving her a “wake up call.” The woman has been caught cheating multiple times and dealt with the fallout. I doubt a few words from you would open her eyes to that. You might want to question why you think they would though, as that part pinged my narcissism radar. Not calling you a narcissist, but as someone who is one, that is the kind of faulty thinking I need to keep in check. 

I also would not get involved in telling the husband. He already knows she cheated. He can be doing the reconciliation pick-me dance and digging at the same time, most BS do. So maybe he will find you anyway.

It sounds like you are on a good track. I would tell your current GF about the contact though. It would build trust even if she is bent about it for a bit.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ReformedHubby said:


> You make a valid point. I really don't know if I have the truth about their relationship. According to her they were also sexless, but I don't really believe that, because they look so happy on social media.
> 
> With that said, I totally understand why they are some that would take a hard line and tell her husband, but they don't have to walk in my shoes. Let me spell it out for you. Her husband is a bad ass, former special ops from another country that immigrated to America to marry her, and does "consulting" work overseas from time to time for various companies. I really don't know if he would shoot the messenger or not, and quite frankly I am not willing to put myself at risk. I do know that her current husband knows she cheated on her first husband, he obviously now knows she cheated on him too. I do feel like I would be the tipping point, but I honestly know my girlfriend wants me as far away from this woman as possible as she knows everything. Selfishly, my own life takes priority over this, and I can admit that. Things are much more complicated in real life than when we describe them on here. I am not going to lose my current girlfriend over this. Finding a good match at my age isn't as easy as you may think. She feels very strongly about this woman popping back up, I also really need to respect that.


The only things you know about her husband are what she has told you. As she wanted to bed you, you can't trust anything she told you about him. Was he violent? Maybe, or maybe not.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


ReformedHubby said:



I do know who her husband is and where he works etc., but there is history there of domestic violence (from what she told me when we were together), so I wouldn't want to touch off anything.

Click to expand...

*Oh my...a woman who wouldn't know what truth and integrity were if you shoved them down her throat with a pitchfork, claiming her husband has a history of domestic violence with her and that they have a sexless marriage. Gosh and golly, I never heard THAT one before from a cheater. But if SHE says it, it *must *be true! 🙄 🙄 🙄

It's always *amazed* me that people who claim to be married to "physically abusive" mates will choose to play Russian Roulette with their own well-being - risking the beating of their lives - all so they can sneak off for an hour or two for a quickie with their "soul mate." And yet, that's exactly what Pass Around Patty has done for a long time, out screwing around and risking the supposed beating of her life from that "abusive" husband of hers. And apparently, *you* were also willing to risk his supposed 'violent and dangerous wrath' when you were getting yourself laid in the deal - because the 'reward' was worth the supposed risk to you.

But now that there's no 'reward' in it for you, you're suddenly *all* about needing to "protect" yourself from this dangerous, violent man and that's one of the reasons you won't be honest with the guy and let him know who he's REALLY married to. 🙄 You also claim you don't want to get HER in 'harm's way' - yet he's already caught her and she's not sporting any black eyes or broken limbs, is she?

So exactly what DID this supposed abusive monster do when he finally caught her cheating? Did he beat her to within an inch of her life? Did he put her in the hospital? Set her hair on fire? Did he maim her? Did he make sure to ruin her for all future men? Did he kill her and bury her in their backyard?

From the sounds of it, he didn't do ANY of that. You say the guy *begged her* not to leave him. That's what Mr. Violent apparently did when he caught her cheating - begged her to stay. LOL...that's hardly the abusive man you keep trying to allude he could be in your posts in this thread. I guess you got your proof of exactly how abusive he really is because the last I'd heard, begging someone to stay doesn't fall under the "abuse" umbrella.



> *I don't know for sure if the allegations of domestic violence are true, but I am not willing to test it. *


It's a feeble argument and you know it. You think it makes you look noble claiming you can't tell him because you just can't _risk_ 'putting her in harm's way' but he ALREADY knows of some cheating and did none of the stuff you claim he might do. The real truth is that you just don't want to open that can of worms and dive headfirst into the ensuing *drama* you KNOW will follow. You also don't want the spotlight on you and want to remain under the radar where it's comfortable. And quite honestly, there's no 'reward' in it for you anymore so why take on the risk?

Just my 2 cents.


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## Bobbyjo (May 3, 2020)

Marduk said:


> Some people grow. Some people don't. Sounds like you did and she didn't.
> 
> Her husband is the one I worry about. He's going to go down a typical false reconciliation path with someone with no intention of ever being faithful to him, and has never been. And she'll never tell him the truth.
> 
> I cannot judge you, and I certainly can't absolve you of your feelings, but the first thing that came to my mind would be to tell her husband everything. Even anonymously. I think that might make me feel better in that situation, because I would have done what I could do to give him the tools to make decisions he needs to make. And it might give her the wake up call she needs.





ReformedHubby said:


> My girlfriend knows my entire life story, the good and the bad. But you were right, when I was contacted I shouldn't have said anything. I should have just unfriended her and blocked her immediately. I definitely shouldn't have responded, honestly I was just being nosey. I couldn't believe what she was telling me. With that said you will be disappointed in me, because there is zero chance I tell my girlfriend about it. I have no interest in this woman at all, as far as I am concerned I shouldn't have replied at all but its not like I was flirting, and I did shut it down and ultimately block her, so I don't feel like I should have to say anything. With a past as checkered as mine occasionally people pop back up, I am not going to give my girlfriend reason to worry over nothing.
> 
> Regarding telling the husband I am not going to do that either. It sounds good on here, but trust me there is no anonymous way to do it, she will 100 percent know its me for sure. I don't know for sure if the allegations of domestic violence are true, but I am not willing to test it. What if its true? There are those that would say whatever happens wouldn't be my fault, but I would feel differently


You’re right...you have resisted your own need for curiosity. It’s good that you have seen that about yourself. Opening up a conversation with someone from your past that you yourself have felt guilty about of doing wrong(cheating with a cheater) is dangerous as I’m sure you have become aware of...as you do not want your now girlfriend to know. Moving forward...you can be honest with your girlfriend and tell her what your motive and intention was in replying to her message. Or...make a vow to yourself that if you’re girlfriend is your one and only...that you will remind yourself of what she means to you and never give into that kind of temptation again.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

Thor said:


> Ok, I was responding when you wrote your last post. Nix telling him! It sounds like a really messed up situation all around.


unnix telling that BH
WW lie and cheat
WW lies my BH has anger issues
WW lies telling false narrative to justify her and her AP having an affair

EVERY BH DESERVES THE TRUTH

is the OP brave or a coward?

he was brave enough to seek in the back door and bang this BH wife

will he be brave enough to confess and make amends for the harm he 
did to this BH?


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## secretsheriff (May 6, 2020)

Why are you still friends with your mistress...who is MARRIED??

Yeah, sorry, your moral high ground is shaky at best.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> It's always *amazed* me that people who claim to be married to "physically abusive" mates will choose to play Russian Roulette with their own well-being - risking the beating of their lives - all so they can sneak off for an hour or two for a quickie with their "soul mate."


It always amazes me that anyone believes any of the words coming out of the con-men and women whom these cheaters are. Truth is on a different plane of existence then their being.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> It's a feeble argument and you know it. You think it makes you look noble claiming you can't tell him because you just can't _risk_ 'putting her in harm's way' but he ALREADY knows of some cheating and did none of the stuff you claim he might do. The real truth is that you just don't want to open that can of worms and dive headfirst into the ensuing *drama* you KNOW will follow. You also don't want the spotlight on you and want to remain under the radar where it's comfortable. And quite honestly, there's no 'reward' in it for you anymore so why take on the risk?
> 
> Just my 2 cents.


Spot on. You called it. I didn't really put all that much thought into it, but the way you worded it, zero chance he is violent. I guess I am pretty much hard coded to believe a woman when they say they are abused and/or assaulted. I think most men are, its not cool to call someone a liar when someone makes a claim of abuse. But..... you're right. His actions do not scream abuser. With that said, I am not going to say anything, and I am one hundred percent fine with that choice. I was unhappy for a very long time, and as bad as it sounds I really don't have it in me to deal with the drama that stirring things up would bring into my life.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

secretsheriff said:


> Why are you still friends with your mistress...who is MARRIED??
> 
> Yeah, sorry, your moral high ground is shaky at best.


Perhaps friend is too strong of a word. There was indeed a time when I would say we were friends, but honestly it had been about two years since I last communicated with her, and I even blocked her on my phone so she wouldn't pop up. But....when she reached out I did respond. I own that, but I am not going to beat myself up about it. I don't think I handled the situation poorly, but I could have handled it better and simply said nothing. With that said she is now blocked on social media now too, so I consider that chapter of my life closed.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

oldtruck said:


> unnix telling that BH
> WW lie and cheat
> WW lies my BH has anger issues
> WW lies telling false narrative to justify her and her AP having an affair
> ...


I am neither of these things, just a man that has moved on with his life. I know you don't want to hear this, but sometimes self preservation comes first. I haven't been happy in a really really long time. I am enjoying smelling the roses, as for the BH, he knows he married a cheated, and he knows she cheated on him, that will have to be enough criteria for him to make his decision, because he won't be hearing from me. 

In a perfect world I would tell the BH and her new guy everything I know, but this is something that only sounds good on the CWI forum on TAM, I don't think most people in my shoes would say anything at all. I really don't want to play referee here, this will not be anonymous.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

ReformedHubby said:


> But....when she reached out I did respond. I own that, but I am not going to beat myself up about it. I don't think I handled the situation poorly, but I could have handled it better and simply said nothing. With that said she is now blocked on social media now too, so I consider that chapter of my life closed.


I think that if you don't tell your gf about talking to your former mistress, you indeed have handled the situation very poorly.

Tell me--did you delete those messages?

Your actions here don't make you "reformed" at all. I realize there was nothing to those messages, I really do believe you, but your resulting actions after are the very same as if you did something nefarious. Because if I were your gf and I found out on my own,you better believe I'd think the absolute worst. 

You need to tell your gf. Then you can genuinely say you handled it well and your conscience can be clear.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

ReformedHubby said:


> I don't think I handled the situation poorly, but I could have handled it better and simply said nothing.


Sorry, but you are still handling the situation poorly. I really don't give a rat's ass about the BS. Tell him, don't tell him, you do you. BUT you need to tell your GF about this.

How will your GF feel if she finds out you talked to this exAP? I assume you deleted the messages, do you realize how poorly and suspicious that looks? I believe you that you did nothing wrong but will your GF? I doubt it. 

You need to tell her about this.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If you decide to tell the husband about the affair you had with his wife, you should also tell your gf so she knows what kind of person you were, even if you are no longer that person. If the BH has a right to know, so does your gf.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> If you decide to tell the husband about the affair you had with his wife, you should also tell your gf so she knows what kind of person you were, even if you are no longer that person. If the BH has a right to know, so does your gf.


My girlfriend already knows about the affair with this woman when I was married, and exactly who the woman is. The woman means nothing to me at all, but my girlfriend did feel threatened when I talked about that relationship.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

ReformedHubby said:


> My girlfriend already knows about the affair with this woman when I was married, and exactly who the woman is. The woman means nothing to me at all, but my girlfriend did feel threatened when I talked about that relationship.


((( HUGS ))) my friend.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

ReformedHubby said:


> In recent years I blocked her, because she was someone that just made me uncomfortable (I forgot to block her on fb).


It seems highly unlikely that you “forgot” you had your Ashley Madison mistress still on FB...



ReformedHubby said:


> My girlfriend knows my entire life story, the good and the bad.


Yes, but does your girlfriend know that this past lover of yours (who makes her super uncomfortable) was conveniently still on your FB, and that you just had an exchange with this woman that you didn’t tell her about immediately? 

Not cool. Be honest with yourself at least. You are still curious about this piece of trash woman, so instead of hitting delete and block you engaged in talking with her, which you _know would make your girlfriend furious._ So now you are back to sneaking around. Had you shut it down and blocked her, you could proudly have showed her that. 

Reformed? I think not.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Spicy said:


> It seems highly unlikely that you “forgot” you had your Ashley Madison mistress still on FB...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


This is the last I will speak on this, I am certainly not upset that people are reading into things. I am on CWI after all, so I get that folks will see bread crumbs in my post and imagine where they could lead, especially given my history. But there is nothing here really to poke a stick at. Did I forget about her on my FB? I absolutely forgot. I can't speak for most men, but I really don't care about social media at all. I barely have any friends and haven't posted much of anything personal in a decade of being on there. So yes I really did overlook it. My phone is how you reach me.

I think the disconnect here is that maybe many of you haven't been recently single. Because if you had you'd understand that once you've dated around, and then decide to get serious with someone. You are going to have to play a game of whack-a-mole for a while. Yes I KNOW this is a crass example, but I am trying to simplify it. This woman is one of MANY that has popped up and gotten whacked back down. You do explain it at first, you'll say things like "so and so reached out to me today". But honestly after a while its just maintenance, you trust your partner, and they trust you to do the right thing. I've played whack-a-mole with ex mistresses, an ex girlfriend that was particularly horrible, and a handful of people I went on a few dates with. My girlfriend plays whack-a-mole also.

Its honestly just maintenance to me, I am not going to sit here and have a serious conversation with her when this is something that occurred a LOT when we first got together but more sporadically now. With that said I always shut it down.

And no, I am not interested in this woman at all. I did have bad intent though, just not what you're thinking. I am a major drama Llama. I like hearing about other folks drama and gossip, it must be the southerner in me. So yes the fact that her life was a complete train wreck was very much of interest to me, I was absolutely hooked on the salacious details at first. But....then the more I heard it started to trigger me about my past. Then I started to feel bad about the people she was hurting, and also the fact that I contributed to that in the past. But I never once thought of it as inappropriate, because for me intent matters a LOT. In fact I knew while I was having the conversation that I was literally never going to speak to her again. I see nothing here for me to apologize for or make amends to when it comes to my relationship. Just another mole that got whacked, and as me and my girlfriend remain together going forward, it will eventually stop happening. Our garden will be mole free on both sides. And yeah I am aware that many will jump all over this as rationalization. But....its how I see it.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

I believe you that you have no interest in the ex-mistress, and I'll give you the benefit of the doubt that you accidentally "forgot" you had her on FB. I haven't even thought about MySpace in well over a decade but I know damn well there is stuff there involving someone I had a "revenge affair" with, but whatever, benefit of the doubt.

BUT... It seems like you are purposely hiding this communication from your GF because you know it will upset her. That is covering your ass, not doing the right thing.

You didn't do the right thing, so stop telling yourself that you did. The right thing would have been to say nothing and not engage at all. The next right thing would be to think "Hey, my GF would be upset if she found out about this. I should tell her." Not "Ugh, shouldn't have done that better delete all evidence of it!".

And yes, you are rationalizing.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Don't deny your girlfriend her agency in this situation. You did it - own it.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

bobert said:


> It seems like you are purposely hiding this communication from your GF *because you know it will upset her*.


^^^^ This is true. 100 percent true. With that said I don't see it as covering my ass. I suppose it would be covering my ass to me if I thought this is something she would break up with me over, or even get mad at me about. But it isn't covering my ass to me. She'd be really angry at her not at me, and given the fact that she can be a little fiery over stuff like this, I am choosing not to rock the boat, and I see nothing wrong with that.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> Don't deny your girlfriend her agency in this situation. You did it - own it.


You're one of faves around here, but nope. Not doing that. People can keep asking, but it ain't happening.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> You're one of faves around here, but nope. Not doing that. People can keep asking, but it ain't happening.


I figured as much - had to try, though.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

ReformedHubby said:


> ^^^^ This is true. 100 percent true. With that said I don't see it as covering my ass. I suppose it would be covering my ass to me if I thought this is something she would break up with me over, or even get mad at me about. But it isn't covering my ass to me. She'd be really angry at her not at me, and given the fact that she can be a little fiery over stuff like this, I am choosing not to rock the boat, and I see nothing wrong with that.


@ReformedHubby ,

You were not perfect in your past. In fact, you were involved in adultery, and as you know, I was too, so it's not like I'm in a position to judge. So I am not going to pile on the "tell OW's BH" bandwagon only because I think at this point that she's likely lying about the abuse (hey, it's the justification that almost every cheater uses) BUT it was also so long ago that it's not who you are now and it would be like beating a dead horse. I think letting it be dead is reasonable. 

Now, in my own humble opinion, when OW reached out to you on FB, the *ideal/best response* would have been: "I do not want ANY contact with you of ANY kind, ever. Please cease and desist immediately. I am going to block you on every possible means of contact right now"... then do that exact thing (put her on the block list or delete her everywhere, and I mean EVERY WHERE)... and then tell your GF that she did reach out and you immediately slapped her down and blocked her everywhere, but FYI, she did reach out. Ideally, you would have taken a screenshot of her initial toe dip and your HARD NO! and you would have left it there for her to see so that she is INCLUDED in every part of your life, including the parts where you are afraid she'll be angry.

You did not act in this way. OW dipped her toe in the water and you dilly dallied. This is an issue, and sadly it seems like this is an issue you want to deny and avoid addressing. See...the problem is not "what you did" per se. Obviously OW is nuts and you are becoming less ensorcelled by that type of living. But as a recovering adulterer it is like the PRIME DIRECTIVE to be transparently honest, and to INCLUDE your significant other, not exclude them. Failure to include your GF in every area of your life is the little turning point where we (former WS) fall off the tracks! 

In this instance, you didn't act perfectly. That's okay--you're a human and so am I and so are we all!! But if you truly care about the GF you are with now, you will trust her to be able to handle this news, you will respect her enough to allow her to make decisions and act with full knowledge, and you will practice being transparently honest when you are afraid. 

I've been in your shoes. Being transparent and letting people see our mistakes, our errors, our flaws and weaknesses is REALLY SCARY. You may even be afraid that she might leave you over this. But speaking as a female human, I have one other female with my Beloved Hubby whom I just do not like. It's 100% absolutely not him, but I don't trust her as far as I can throw her, and I'm fairly positive she keeps trying to make a move on him even though we're married. He knows how I feel about her, and if he were to be in contact with her and let's say having a little conversation (nothing flirty--just "updates") and not include me, knowing that I don't trust her, the automatic feeling would be that he is HIDING something. 

So just a note to self, @ReformedHubby, by hiding this and not telling her, you are in action tell her that you do not trust her to keep you safe, that you don't respect her enough to allow her to make life choices based on the full truth, and that you are hiding things from her. All of those things are dealbreaker kind of actions. Being contacted by OW who you thought you deleted but who figured out a way to get to you...not a deal breaker. IRRITATIING but not deal breaking. Not slapping OW down and falling for the juicy details at first, and then coming to your senses, blocking her and saying something...again not ideal but if I knew you were a gossiping kind of guy, I could see that. Continuing to hide parts of you from the person your with, continuing to be non-transparent and dishonest--honestly those would be the kinds of behavior that cause pause. 

I strongly suggest that you tell your GF what happened and let her read the FB messages. Just admit to her you were feeling gossipy at first and then you realized it was wrong and stopped...but then you were afraid to be transparent and realized she deserved that. I think she'll get it. Oh she may get mad, but angry is okay. Relationships can survive some anger. They CAN NOT survive dishonesty, because that means you are acting in a way that is not worthy of trust...and once trust is broken, the relationship is broken. 

It's okay to be afraid. But now, be courageous and be honest inspite of your fear.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Affaircare said:


> @ReformedHubby ,
> 
> You were not perfect in your past. In fact, you were involved in adultery, and as you know, I was too, so it's not like I'm in a position to judge. So I am not going to pile on the "tell OW's BH" bandwagon only because I think at this point that she's likely lying about the abuse (hey, it's the justification that almost every cheater uses) BUT it was also so long ago that it's not who you are now and it would be like beating a dead horse. I think letting it be dead is reasonable.
> 
> ...


Well stated, the prime directive part really spoke to me. This is one of those rare instances where the words of another on the internet has completely changed my mind about something. I am being serious. I am definitely going to tell her. Its not going to be that bad at all, I do wish I hadn't deleted the damn message though. I really didn't say anything bad in the convo, but I didn't even want to see her name pop-up. That was dumb...like really dumb, it would have supported what I am saying, now I don't have it anymore.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!! Bravo, sir.

And well done, @Affaircare.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

lucy999 said:


> GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!! Bravo, sir.
> 
> *And well done, @Affaircare*.


Yep, that lady can talk paint off a wall.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Good! @Affaircare got the message through that the rest of us were trying to get you to hear. Let us know how it goes.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

ReformedHubby said:


> ^^^^ This is true. 100 percent true. With that said I don't see it as covering my ass. I suppose it would be covering my ass to me if I thought this is something she would break up with me over, or even get mad at me about. But it isn't covering my ass to me. She'd be really angry at her not at me, and given the fact that she can be a little fiery over stuff like this, I am choosing not to rock the boat, and I see nothing wrong with that.


No she will break up with you because I think you said she knows your history (probably a watered down version I suspect), knows about this women's history or may find out, and you are now hiding a conversation you had with this women from her.

You don't have to tell her, but like someone who cheats it's probably going to be hell if she finds out in some other way and part of that is because of your history. Telling her has the potential to avoid all that. It could even start some dialogue that might bring you together and change you and her relationship with you. 

With your history and your nature that probably is a concept way to far for you, but since you already crossed a line, even in your mind and talked to this women it would be good to stop it right there and not go into your usual hiding bad behavior pattern that I am sure has been your MO for most of your life. But I don't think you will. I am sure the familiar thoughts of "what she don't know won't hurt her" is just way more comfortable. Kinda like I had a hard day at work, I can just have a little sip of this wine, it's fine. 

You are playing with fire my friend and you have been for a while. I contend that is REALLY what this post is about more then anything. You are starting to fall back into bad patterns even if they are not about exactly the same kinds of experiences. 

Sit down and talk with your girlfriend about this and you will break that pattern and maybe even start a new one.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Affaircare said:


> @ReformedHubby ,
> 
> You were not perfect in your past. In fact, you were involved in adultery, and as you know, I was too, so it's not like I'm in a position to judge. So I am not going to pile on the "tell OW's BH" bandwagon only because I think at this point that she's likely lying about the abuse (hey, it's the justification that almost every cheater uses) BUT it was also so long ago that it's not who you are now and it would be like beating a dead horse. I think letting it be dead is reasonable.
> 
> ...


Yep I would add this to what I posted above. My point is the hiding is very much a part of who you were when you were a serial cheater, and just like an alcoholic you can't just kind of not drink if you truly want to change. You have to fight against the nature to hide stuff because that is a big part of all of this You need to live your life open and let the sunlight continue to disinfect any small hiccups along the way.

To AC point healthy relationships have times where you go and say, look I messed up, or even, I did something that at the time seemed like no big deal but in hindsight I made a mistake. That is pretty common in good relationships. It's the getting ahead of stuff and talking about it that makes them good.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

ReformedHubby said:


> Well stated, the prime directive part really spoke to me. This is one of those rare instances where the words of another on the internet has completely changed my mind about something. I am being serious. I am definitely going to tell her. Its not going to be that bad at all, I do wish I hadn't deleted the damn message though. I really didn't say anything bad in the convo, but I didn't even want to see her name pop-up. That was dumb...like really dumb, it would have supported what I am saying, now I don't have it anymore.


Well...you know...reformed WS's need to stick together. And Star Trekkers need to stick together. And geeks need to stick together. 

Okay I am a Director of Systems, but I don't know this off the top of my head. If it was in messenger, can't you act like you're going to send her a message (in front of your girlfriend) and get the conversation back? I mean, get your GF to sit down next to you so she sees all this, click messenger click the 'write a new post' little icon that looks like a pen writing on a square of paper, where it says "to" type in OW's name, and the convo comes up. Right?

🤓


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## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

You were never going to tell. You came here for release.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

sokillme said:


> No she will break up with you because I think you said she knows your history* (probably a watered down version I suspect),* knows about this women's history or may find out, and you are now hiding a conversation you had with this women from her.


Watered down? Definitely not. She got the grand tour of former mistresses to include pictures of them all (she asked), and pretty much any other details she asked for. I don't think I have ever been more of my true self in any previous relationship.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

We did talk about it, and honestly I do feel better about it. Looking back at it I understand my motives now. Its not that I thought she would break up with me over it. I felt that given my history it would plant seeds that would make me seem less trust worthy, because well, I shouldn't have said anything. 

It was actually very easy to bring up in conversation because she went out yesterday to take care of some things, and some guy was ignoring social distancing in the store to talk to her, he made her uncomfortable obviously, and she was basically venting to me about it. She then mentioned an old high school acquaintance that she had added as a friend on FB recently that seemed fine at first but was starting to get a little weird as far commenting and complimenting on literally everything. She thought I had noticed but I hadn't. It must suck being a woman sometimes. That was my window and took it.

I basically just bounced off of what she said and told her "you know who reached out to me". She did ask how because she thought she was blocked, but she believed me about my FB because its not really something I am into normally. I can't say we dwelled on it all that long. I would say for the most part it was a light hearted and brief conversation. The only thing she was adamant about was the motive for the woman reaching out to me. My girlfriend thinks she was feeling me out, and yeah....my girlfriend may have called her a name or two....or three..... She also pointed out some things about the communication that I missed, so I agree that getting her perspective was good. All that matters at this point is that I don't talk to her anymore, and I have zero problems with that. Even the aftermath of me talking to her made me feel triggered, so the communication would have been toxic for me even if I wasn't in a relationship.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Now, have you addressed the GF and Daddy issue? If not; pull it out of the closet, dust it off and get on with it. You can be your own worst enemy in that you were untrustworthy in the past and still use the tools of hiding and avoiding to survive. If you want to be trusted, then you need to extend trust to others. Trust that your daddy won't disown you and your GF will survive any embarrassment. Trust that your mom won't be throwing GF or daddy out of the house and filing for divorce. It was an honest mistake so treat it as such.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> Now, have you addressed the GF and Daddy issue? If not; pull it out of the closet, dust it off and get on with it. You can be your own worst enemy in that you were untrustworthy in the past and still use the tools of hiding and avoiding to survive. If you want to be trusted, then you need to extend trust to others. Trust that your daddy won't disown you and your GF will survive any embarrassment. Trust that your mom won't be throwing GF or daddy out of the house and filing for divorce. It was an honest mistake so treat it as such.


Yeah....that one I am still pondering. I haven't seen my parents in person though in over a month, and I won't until they feel comfortable being out and about again, they are both 70 plus so they are taking things very seriously these days. That wasn't anything I did though, so I may very well never say anything about it. Thanks for bringing that up in this thread though LoL .


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> Well...you know...reformed WS's need to stick together. And Star Trekkers need to stick together. And geeks need to stick together.


We reach.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> Yeah....that one I am still pondering. I haven't seen my parents in person though in over a month, and I won't until they feel comfortable being out and about again, they are both 70 plus so they are taking things very seriously these days. That wasn't anything I did though, so I may very well never say anything about it. *Thanks for bringing that up in this thread though* LoL .


It seems I've caused you some embarrassment. For that, I apologize. 

The point I was attempting to illustrate is that both situations were causing you discomfort at the thought of actually discussing the situation at hand. Conflict avoidance.


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