# Lesson learned the hard way



## rn1096 (May 18, 2012)

Sorry. . . Long post

I was here about 3 years ago and posted this threadhttp://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/47037-just-friends.html

Basically it was about how I had found over 700 text messages that my husband had sent to a female coworker of his in 2012. When confronted, of course, it was JUST texting. . . nothing more. I started to dig deeper and was told I was looking for something that wasn't there, so I trusted him and stopped. I will NEVER go against my gut instinct again. 

Fast forward to October of 2014. My husband was promoted to Captain where he works (Correctional Facility). Awesome right? Well, that promotion was short lived since he was demoted in Jan. of this year. They actually came in and demoted/fired several of the higher up staff. 

When I asked him why, I got some lame excuse which just didn't sit well with me. Then I got the excuse that he had given improper evaluations/bonuses to the above mentioned coworker. . . Oh wait, it wasn't just a coworker. . . he was her BOSS! But, since I knew they were really close (closer than I thought at the time) I thought that reason might have made sense. So, again, I let it go. 

He decided to fight his demotion with the State. It was a long drawn out ordeal (about 8 months). I thought, "well, he's fighting it, so it must not be as bad as I thought." I'm a freaking nurse!! How can I be SO stupid??

After tons of paperwork back and forth, he got the notice that his appeal had been dismissed. He got it August 7th. A day that will forever be burned in my memory. I finally saw the paperwork and it said, "Appeal has been dismissed due to Plaintiff admitting to having an inappropriate relationship with a subordinate". I knew what that meant, but I wanted, NEEDED, to hear him say it. So I asked him what it meant and he said "What do you want to hear? That I had an affair?" I said that I wanted to know the truth. And so, after 3 loooong years, I got it. They had an affair. I'm was and am crushed. I got details, not that he was forth coming with them at first, but I got them. They fooled around in her van (sexy huh???) before work, had sex on a park bench once and at her house 3 times. During this time, we had went to Jamaica, Gatlinburg, several concerts and Vegas. I thought things were great. Now I just know that I was stupid. 

He has apologized more times in the past 2 weeks than in the entire 22 years we've been married. He doesn't place any blame on me. Says he was a ********* looking for a piece of ass and it wasn't worth it at the time and it definitely isn't worth it now. He says he feels horrible about the way he's crushed me. . . crushed us. He says that after going through how he's felt the past 3 years knowing what he did and lying to me about it, that it will never happen again. Of course, since he isn't blaming me, I asked him why and he says he has no clue. That he has thought about it for the past 3 years and he can't come up with any reason for doing it. He said they were friends and started working closely together at that time and she stroked his ego. He says it's no excuse and can't believe he ever let it go as far as it did. He says he lied to me out of self preservation and because he knew how broken I would be if/when I found out. Of course, I explained to him that if he would have JUST CAME CLEAN 3 years ago, we wouldn't be going through this right now. Which he agrees lying to me, while seemed like protecting me, actually made things worse. He says he wasn't looking to replace me, that things just got out of hand. He also mentioned that the sex was horrible. I told him that I didn't believe that. That if you talk a drink of bad milk, you don't go back for a 2nd or 3rd drink. He said that he was caught up in the thrill of it being "forbidden" but that it wasn't a pleasurable experience. I still find that hard to believe. He has been an open book with his email, texting, ect. so I don't think there are others and I think it ended 3 years ago. 

And what follows, is why you NEVER sleep with a subordinate-

After it ended (whether she ended it or he did, who knows?? He says it was mutual. They were both married and not leaving their spouses for the other. I have a feeling she was wanting to leave since her husband can't keep a job, but whatever) she reported it as Sexual Harassment to Internal Affairs where they work . Nothing was done at the time (Good Ol' Boys Club and all). Until she reported it again in 2014 right before she quit and moved to Florida. Another Captain there gathered paperwork on all of the wrongdoing everyone was committing and reported it to the State which resulted in 1 Captain being fired, 2 demoted, the Superintendent and Assistant Superintendent being demoted, and several Officers being demoted or fired. 
I told him he was VERY lucky they didn't fire him. 

He had no idea it was her that turned in paperwork. Something happened and she snapped. Everyone that works with him (I'm friends with several of them) are in shock that 1.He did that (VERY out of character for him. I know that, after everything, I sound like a fool for saying it, but I've known him my entire life. We grew up together. This is VERY out of character for him) and 2. He did it with her. She was not well liked at all. She didn't do her job well and her attitude was horrible. 

I have a appointment scheduled tomorrow to be checked for STD's. Not something I want to do on my day off. Right now, I want to forgive him (but I'll never forget. And I'll never second guess my gut feeling). If my tests don't come back negative though, I don't think I can forgive him for exposing me to something.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

You're not stupid, When you've been with somebody that long you tend to trust them. I've known my H all my life too. It was very out of character for him as well. I trusted him to the end of the world. That makes us naive not stupid. Don't be to hard on yourself. It's not your fault. Sorry for what you're going through..


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## rn1096 (May 18, 2012)

Thanks! And you're right, I wasn't stupid, just naive. It sucks that people we trust and care so much about can choose to do this to us. I wanted to crawl in a hole and die, but that isn't an option, so I'm choosing to use this as a tool to better myself. Not for him, but for me.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

That's great. It took me a long time to get to that place. You're already there, You're gonna be ok.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Has the affair been exposed to OW's husband?


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## rn1096 (May 18, 2012)

Yep, when I told him, he said he knew about it 3 years ago. He didn't seem upset at all. But then, he was apparently messing around on her at the time and that was how she justified it.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Sounds like he's sorry because he got caught. Doubt if you would have ever known otherwise.


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## rn1096 (May 18, 2012)

Oh, absolutely. He even said that he would have never told me because he was afraid of what would happen. Guess he wasn't very afraid of that when he was chasing her.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I'm actually surprised that he was dumb enough to bring the paperwork home and leave it laying around for you to see. I'm guessing he either hadn't read the entire thing or thought that he'd be able to play off their relationship to you as he'd previously done.

Or was this a case of it showing up in the mail and you getting to it before him?


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## rn1096 (May 18, 2012)

He received the first piece of mail and when I asked to see it, he didn't want to show it to me, but reluctantly did. I think he was hoping I wouldn't see that sentence in all the legal mumbo jumbo. The second one, I got to first. I can't understand why you would appeal a decision about something you admitted to??? If he wouldn't have fought his demotion, I'd never know anything about it.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

rn1096 said:


> He received the first piece of mail and when I asked to see it, he didn't want to show it to me, but reluctantly did. I think he was hoping I wouldn't see that sentence in all the legal mumbo jumbo. The second one, I got to first. *I can't understand why you would appeal a decision about something you admitted to??? If he wouldn't have fought his demotion*, I'd never know anything about it.


Further evidence of his sense of entitlement.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Wow, I'm sorry for the turn of events, but at least you finally got the truth.

I hope that your STD tests come back completely negative - good on you for getting tested and looking out for your health.

In your case, given his repeated offense, I would not be apt to forgive him at all, even if you test negative for STDs. Everyone is a bit different in what they will tolerate when they're a BS, but I have zero tolerance for anyone that would disrespect me in such a way. You seem pretty strong but still conflicted. No one can make this decision for you, but as is often demonstrated here, a cheater very rarely, if ever, changes his/her ways.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Hey also... why were so many other people demoted or fired as a result of this whole fiasco?

Sounds like either OW or your WH (or both of them) may have been f*cking around w/ more than just each other.


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## rn1096 (May 18, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Hey also... why were so many other people demoted or fired as a result of this whole fiasco?
> 
> Sounds like either OW or your WH (or both of them) may have been f*cking around w/ more than just each other.




The other people weren't involved in my husband's affair (or her's). They were all messing around with different subordinates. There was a Captain that gathered information on all of them and sent it to the State. He was saying they were giving preferential treatment to their affair partners in the way of evaluations, bonuses, promotions ect. And that those who were involved were also giving preferential treatment to each other. 
It's just a big mess!! I'm the least drama seeking person ever. My hobbies are knitting and watching Netflix. Now my life has been thrown into a State investigation that may turn into a Federal thing. I'm kicking myself for quitting a VERY good paying job when this all happened so I could be home more. Now I feel stuck.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

rn1096 said:


> Oh, absolutely. He even said that he would have never told me because he was afraid of what would happen. Guess he wasn't very afraid of that when he was chasing her.


That statement tells you EVERYTHING you need to know. 

He's completely remorseless and only sorry he got caught. His selfishness has entitled him in his mind to be okay with having an affair or committing any other wrong doing for that matter as long as you didn't know about it. He didn't really care if knowing would hurt you because you weren't supposed to know. So obviously he's not REALLY sorry at all.

Rather than keep saying it's "out of character" for him MAYBE it's very much his character and you're STILL being naïve? 

Food for thought.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

rn1096 said:


> The other people weren't involved in my husband's affair (or her's). They were all messing around with different subordinates. There was a Captain that gathered information on all of them and sent it to the State. He was saying they were giving preferential treatment to their affair partners in the way of evaluations, bonuses, promotions ect. And that those who were involved were also giving preferential treatment to each other.
> It's just a big mess!! I'm the least drama seeking person ever. My hobbies are knitting and watching Netflix. Now my life has been thrown into a State investigation that may turn into a Federal thing. I'm kicking myself for quitting a VERY good paying job when this all happened so I could be home more. Now I feel stuck.


How old are your kids? Have you thought about going back to work? Not asking to be a d*ck or anything. I just like seeing women empower themselves. Hope that didn't come out wrong. Again, not trying to be a d*ck.

And HOLY CRAP... not sure where you're from but I guess COs are paid pretty well there. My Dad is a CO (sergeant, I believe) here in TX and they're not paid very well at all.

And, actually, he met his AP/current wife on the job as well. So I guess this thread kind of resonates w/ me a little bit.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So, this was out of character for him, was it?

Perhaps not.

This might be trhe first time he was caught out due to a papertrail having been generated.

Get him to take a lie detector test using questions in this simple format:

1) Since you got together with rn1096 have you ever passionately kissed another person?
2) Since you got together with rn1096 hve you ever had any sexual contact with another person?
3) Since you got together with rn1096 have you ever had sexual intercourse with another person?

This three question format is employed very successfully by the expert lie detector operator the Jeremy Kyle show uses in the UK.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

I'm going to have to agree with Gus here on his self entitlement in the affair. I would take the number of times that he told you with a grain of salt. Additionally, I would venture to say that the other underlings spilled the beans on them. They probably didn't care that they were romping around in the supply closet, but when people got passed over because she was stooping the boss, well that was just too much. He was taking money out of their pockets, in an indirect manner. 

The decision to stay or go is yours to make. Like you I was way too trusting for way too long. If your gut tells you something is wrong, it usually is wrong. I would further recommend exposing to family on both sides of the aisle, he needs to be held accountable and it could be a valuable lesson to all in the family what happens when you do stuff like this.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

So sorry you are here. Dont kick yourself too hard for wanting to trust the person you love.

You are not dumb at all. Plenty here are smart professional succesful people. Doesnt make you or i dumb. We are just ordinary people burnt by the ones we love.

What would make us dumb is to allow ourselves to be burnt by the same person over and over gain.

It is very important that you offer up consequences for his behavour. He has to be fully aware that if he has any shot of reconciliation with you it will be strictly on your terms after he has shown full remorse and agreed to any changes you want to take place in the relationship.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Reading this is heart wrenching, your WH is nor remorseful at all, he played around, lied to you for many years and would never have told you until you found out. His actions are all about self preservation. A truly remorseful man would have come clean and threw himself at your mercy.
You are probably going through so much as your gut told you something was off for a long time, now at least you know. But what does that tell you about your WH? He is only thinking about himself and not what this could do to you. There is really no guarantee that this will not happen again, and is likely based on his actions. 

You are right to think about getting a better job, doing something for you to make yourself a better person. You really have to decide if you want WH in your life. As Sports Fan mentioned, there have to be consequences and R on your terms only.


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## rn1096 (May 18, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> How old are your kids? Have you thought about going back to work? Not asking to be a d*ck or anything. I just like seeing women empower themselves. Hope that didn't come out wrong. Again, not trying to be a d*ck.
> 
> And HOLY CRAP... not sure where you're from but I guess COs are paid pretty well there. My Dad is a CO (sergeant, I believe) here in TX and they're not paid very well at all.
> 
> And, actually, he met his AP/current wife on the job as well. So I guess this thread kind of resonates w/ me a little bit.



Our kids are 19, 18, 16 and 14. The 19 year old lives on his own. I currently work part time but am applying for full time work. I have a job offer (ironically, with the State) but because of my experience, they are dragging their feet to actually hire me due to how much they would have to offer me in pay.


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## rn1096 (May 18, 2012)

VFW said:


> I'm going to have to agree with Gus here on his self entitlement in the affair. I would take the number of times that he told you with a grain of salt. Additionally, I would venture to say that the other underlings spilled the beans on them. They probably didn't care that they were romping around in the supply closet, but when people got passed over because she was stooping the boss, well that was just too much. He was taking money out of their pockets, in an indirect manner.
> 
> The decision to stay or go is yours to make. Like you I was way too trusting for way too long. If your gut tells you something is wrong, it usually is wrong. I would further recommend exposing to family on both sides of the aisle, he needs to be held accountable and it could be a valuable lesson to all in the family what happens when you do stuff like this.


I agree about the entitlement thing. I've asked SO many times why and he has no reason. I've told him that any reason he tells me won't make me angry, just WHY? And he says he doesn't know. He wishes he could give me a reason, but anything he would say would sound pathetic (which is true). They were working closely together and the conversation took a turn. He said at that point he should have walked away and didn't. 

It wasn't the other "underlings" that outed them, she reported it after it was over. It's in the legal documents from the State. 

As far as exposing to the family, he sat down with the kids last night and explained that he did a terrible thing, hurt me badly and broke my trust. He didn't go into details because, quite frankly, they don't need to know details. The two oldest figured it out real quick though. I've got some pretty smart kids. He is telling his Mom tonight (his Dad died 8 years ago). Once his Mom knows, it'll spread like wild fire. And telling his Mom will break him because he knows how she feels about cheating. 

My family knows and are in shock.


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## rn1096 (May 18, 2012)

aine said:


> Reading this is heart wrenching, your WH is nor remorseful at all, he played around, lied to you for many years and would never have told you until you found out. His actions are all about self preservation. A truly remorseful man would have come clean and threw himself at your mercy.
> You are probably going through so much as your gut told you something was off for a long time, now at least you know. But what does that tell you about your WH? He is only thinking about himself and not what this could do to you. There is really no guarantee that this will not happen again, and is likely based on his actions.
> 
> You are right to think about getting a better job, doing something for you to make yourself a better person. You really have to decide if you want WH in your life. As Sports Fan mentioned, there have to be consequences and R on your terms only.


He has admitted that hiding it was self preservation. He said it was 75% self preservation and 25% not wanting to hurt me. That he was the biggest fool/D**ch*b*g/idiot/ect. for both doing it and then lying to me about it. That he wanted to tell me the truth several times, but was too big of a coward to say anything. And that the longer it went, the harder it got to say anything. He also said that since I found out, there has been a huge weight lifted off of his shoulders. To which I then thank him for putting on MY shoulders. 

He has done everything I have asked of him so far. Back when I just thought it was texting I demanded access to his phone and have had it since then. I have his email and facebook account passwords. He has told our kids and will be telling his Mom about it tonight. He is VERY religious (I'm the complete opposite). Of course, not that being religious means much, look at Josh Duggar. Anyway, he went to his Church last night and told them what he did (they spoke with me also to hear my side of it) and they are announcing to the congregation that he sinned (not what he did, just that he did something to bring reproach on the church and God) Although, it doesn't take a genius to figure out WHAT he did.

He has said since that time, if he has to work with a female and the conversation starts to turn into something inappropriate, he walks away. He said he can't go through the hell he has put himself through the past 3 years and the hell he's putting me through now, again. 

I'm not making any decisions right now. I can't until I get a full time job. I've considered doing travel nursing just so I can get out of here for 13 weeks, but I have kids to think about too.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

rn1096 said:


> He has admitted that hiding it was self preservation. He said it was 75% self preservation and 25% not wanting to hurt me.


I know there's a lot on your mind now but there's something I took away from reading this in your response and it made me see a bit of red.

There is no acceptable division of excuses here as far as I'm concerned. It was 100% self preservation and 0% not wanting to hurt you.

If he didn't want to hurt you, HE WOULDN'T HAVE DONE IT and certainly not repeatedly.

His not telling until later has nothing at all to do with you. It's all about him and what he wanted. He is alleving his guilt by making it sound like he didn't want to tell and hurt you. The kicker is.... there's no way NOT to hurt you. It's going to HURT if he carries through with it and you find out.

But guess what? _It can't hurt if you don't know about it._

SMH!


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## rn1096 (May 18, 2012)

Satya said:


> I know there's a lot on your mind now but there's something I took away from reading this in your response and it made me see a bit of red.
> 
> There is no acceptable division of excuses here as far as I'm concerned. It was 100% self preservation and 0% not wanting to hurt you.
> 
> ...



Oh no, I totally agree!! I told him if he didn't want to hurt me, then he should have thought with the head on his shoulders instead of the one in his pants. Him hiding it had NOTHING to do with me. I've told him to stop saying it because it makes me angry. 

Oh, and he said that it wasn't any good because it wasn't me. That I'm all he's ever known and it wasn't worth it. I asked him when he figured out it wasn't me? The first time they made out in her van? The second? The time on the park bench or was it one of the times in her bed? At what point did you figure out it wasn't me? And to stop saying it wasn't any good. The sex HAD to have been good to continue going back. We had just went to Jamaica right before the affair started. . . I asked "How do you compare the back seat of her van to an ocean front room in Jamaica? If that's what gets your rocks off, I can't compete because I choose the ocean front room over a cramped seat in a van."

He has always been the one everyone looks up to. Me, his Mom, his kids, his coworkers, the people at his church. . .EVERYONE. And now they all are learning that he isn't quite the person he made everyone think he was. 

The more I type, the angrier I get. Which is good. I need to get past the sad, hurt feelings and just be angry.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

The process of grief will get you there and anger is good as it will give you the strength and courage to do what you want to do.
Do you want to work it out or do you want to leave? You don't have to make that decision now though. Perhaps you should work on yourself, get your full time job. The kids will be grown in a few more years and independent, you will be very ready to do what you need to do.

I still do not see any remorse from what you are saying, sorry to say your WH is a self centered man but so are many people who cheat, they just don't seem to be able to muster up empathy for some reason. He needs to know the pain he has caused and it sounds like the disclosure is a good start. I would suggest you get some IC to help you with what comes next.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Yes, getting angry is fine, it's natural, and it's OK to let it out. In fact, I'd say that if you weren't getting angry, I'd be concerned.

Good on you for standing up to him and calling him on his [email protected]!


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

rn1096 said:


> The more I type, the angrier I get. Which is good. I need to get past the sad, hurt feelings and just be angry.


So what happens now? Quite the quandary you're in isn't it?

No you don't have to make any decisions today..... However, what I would do for certain that you do have control over is:

1) Get a full time job. Become financially independent from him.

2) Hit the gym. Get yourself in the best shape of your life.

3) Get hobbies / interests / friends "outside" of your husband's circle.

The point is to become your own independent self so you protect yourself and have the ability to go nuclear on this relationship at any point. He has to know he IS dispensable at anytime. It will built your worth in his eyes and put him in his place.

He has demonstrated a willful disregard of your marriage. He's a selfish person and cares more about himself than you, bottom line. So you can no longer depend on him being there. You need to start worrying about YOU not us. 

If you want to continue to be in this relationship then it must be restructured as outlined above. You do not want to be "stuck" with him any longer. He's not remorseful at all and was probably tired of you and being in a committed relationship. That's why he cheated, he has no sense of loyalty or respect for you.

If you stay, frankly, your settling for a sh!tty person. He's not the one for you. You are just a convenience for him cause he's known you for so long. Yes, you spent 20+ years with him but is that worth throwing the remaining good years you have left after the bad ones already wasted with this selfish prick? That's up to you to decide. A grave error many BS make is relying on past history to determine future decisions. The man you thought you married doesn't exist anymore. You're now married to a remorseless cheater. Act accordingly.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

rn1096

Sometimes people can fool us into thinking they are something they're not. My wife fooled me, and infidelity doesn't discriminate by race, religion, or occupation. Some people are very intelligent who are cheated on. 

From what you have posted I have noticed a few things. The biggest is that your husband is not remorseful in any way. He has protected his AP for the last three years. He has allowed you to live a lie for three years. He has exposed you to STD's, and he lied placing the income for your household and family at risk. He has cheated on both you and your family. Now you get the choice nobody asked for, divorce or reconciliation. 

You say he has done everything you've asked, yet I wonder what he has done on his own. What has he done to show action to help you heal, feel safe, and that he won't do this again? He has lied for three years, he almost lost his job, and he has no remorse. What is he offering to show you even have a future together? My wife didn't confess for two and a half years, lied during MC, but she did have remorse. However more then remorse is needed to reconcile. I hope your husband has it in him to do this or offer you a reasonable divorce. 

I wish you luck and God bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tobin (Jun 24, 2015)

You're not stupid for missing all the obvious signs but now that you know what you've been married to, and given his sense of entitlement and the depth of his deceit and betrayal, you may want to seriously consider the wisdom of staying with this person any longer than you have to.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

The pretended remorse may be to get reconciliation . But the sense if entitlement is there the fact that he tried to fight the legal system to prove his affair . So this same sense of entitlement will not , i think , tolerate your anger that will come forth after reonciliation . 

Like my ex , he turned on me even worse and quote " just shut the fuxk up and just trust me like right now and ask what i do with my money or where i went ! " 

I regretted even bothering with R and wasting another 2 years of my life .


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

On hind sight i would have done this differently

While he is still remorseful , get a divorce get the house and maximum child support n alimony .

Tell him to start fresh with you and you give yourself a chance to explore options too .

I took a long time to decide . By which time my ex sense of entitlement overtook his remorse and now he bluffs himself and blame shift and tries to fight for our home with peanuts for child support n zero alimony . Self preservation as usual is his favorite catch phrase . To fight to retain the home n money for himself with no consideration for me n kids . Probably so that he will be a good catch for the next woman .


Think with your brains now 

Not heart


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