# Getting revenge



## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

We get a lot of posts on here where the BS does seem to be often quite meek in their acceptance of betrayal. I fully understand how betrayal can be totally devastating but has anyone on this site felt the need to get revenge on the WS and AP? 

If so, when did you do it, what did you do and what were the results? Did you feel better or worse?

Has anyone on here had a subsequent affair with their ex behind the AP’s back ? Has anyone had a subsequent affair with the AP’s spouse?

I find behavioural studies interesting, in particular where punitive action is taken and the cheater takes a righteous path, forgetting their own indiscretions.

Finally, we do get a lot of posts of the “two wrongs don’t make a right” type. Do you think, in those cases, we seem to show more undue and unwarranted concern for the cheater than we do for those who are betrayed, especially if they say sorry. Forgetting the victim does seem to be a regular part of society’s thought processes. As Monty Python said in their Dead Bishop sketch “alright, it’s a fair cop but society is to blame”

We have a lot of good, insightful people on here and I would like their opinions.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

If you get Forensic Files or Murders among Millionaires in the UK. that might be interesting for you to watch as more than a few of the cases they examine have to do with lovers/ spouses settling scores with their cheater partner. Of course, both of those shows only examine cases that have solved and malfaiteur is put in jail.

I don't mind the idea of revenge. just don't do something that puts you in jail or in any way gets your hands dirty. My exH tried to maintain friendships with many of my friends. I dropped anyone who mentioned his name. He and I didn't have kids together, we're now divorced, what kind segue is "Have you seen your ex lately?" What kind of answer are they looking for.

I now have the pleasure of thinking that these "friends" are useless to him. I wonder how many and how soon he dropped them?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

This didn’t involve cheating but when my then fiancée/now wife and I had some problems a few years ago some of her friends/employees tried to split us up by telling her lies about me cheating. I want to make it clear that I wasn’t cheating. 
My fiancée got into some trouble and was in danger of losing her business to bankruptcy when I stepped in and bought the business. 
The first day I took over I fired three of the culprits.
And it felt great. 😁


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Harold Demure said:


> has anyone on this site felt the need to get revenge on the WS and AP?


Yes. But, I didn't follow through on it. 



Andy1001 said:


> The first day I took over I fired three of the culprits.


I don't consider that "revenge" so much. It's more like placing a hedge between your marriage and them. Good for you.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

I caught them together in public. The entire way there I told myself I cannot kill her because my kids need me. Somehow I managed not to, but I do still wish I had rearranged her face at times. I am dreading the day I run into her in public. There will be a scene. 

I don’t know how to punish my H. I’m taking myself and my kids away. He will just fill his time with new girlfriends, drinking, partying, golfing, new vehicles and toys...I’m pretty sure he has bipolar which he will never address because he doesn’t believe in “those quacks” or “mental drugs” (the illegal ones are fun though!), I mean how do you get revenge on a person who exacts massive punishment on everyone around him including himself? Let me know.

I think it’s not so much about taking the two wrongs don’t make a right path, but not punishing yourself, keeping yourself steeped in pain and anger and forgoing your own morals and heart. 

I know someone who walked in on his first wife in bed with his best friend. He beat the piss out of the guy. There was a night in jail and some legal problems after that which he doesn’t feel is worth it in hindsight. But he said he didn’t have control of himself when it happened, it was just like reflex.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Thinking about revenge is one thing. Carrying it out is another. If it involves jail time it’s not a good idea. My ex-husband’s girlfriend was terrified I was going to do something to her shiny new sports car. I couldn’t have cared less about the car (although I admit I encouraged her paranoia about potential damage once she mentioned it). If anything was going to be damaged it was going to be her but I didn’t feel she was worth the price I would have to pay. It was enough to know that she worried about her car whenever it was out of her sight.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

The best "revenge" is to quickly and decisively leave them/kick them out, and legally take whatever assets you can as soon as you can - make them work to get anything in the settlement. After that, live well and happily as best you can, leave them behind you. Aside from that, revenge is seldom wise or necessary, and probably not healthy.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I really find a lot of truth in the saying “the sweetest revenge is living well”. It took me a long time to get it, but I see it paying dividends now. Of course to really make this work, you have to divorce her ass first.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

The best revenge is not caring about the garbage.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

RebuildingMe said:


> I really find a lot of truth in the saying “the sweetest revenge is living well”. It took me a long time to get it, but I see it paying dividends now. Of course to really make this work, you have to divorce her ass first.


I believe in this 100%. Why get actual revenge? That just shows the person who wronged you that they changed you dramatically. Maybe you left them but here you are still thinking about them so much that you're cooking up and possibly acting out revenge schemes. Just don't. 

You wanna get yourself to a place where they will look at you at some point in the future and realize how much better off you are without them. And you want to be in a place where you just don't really care about what they did to you.

My ex ended up engaged with one of the guys she cheated on me with. We have several mutual friends and a couple of months ago a mutual friend hit me up just to show me some screen shots from the ex's new boo's Facebook. Evidently, she was cheating on him too, so that engagement is now done. If you wait long enough, quite often the nature of the person that wronged you will be their undoing. While I have a gorgeous GF that loves me, my ex is over there still sabotaging her relationships.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Revenge is pointless and does no one any good. Revenge affairs merely bring you down to their level.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Openminded said:


> Thinking about revenge is one thing. Carrying it out is another. If it involves jail time it’s not a good idea. My ex-husband’s girlfriend was terrified I was going to do something to her shiny new sports car. I couldn’t have cared less about the car (although I admit I encouraged her paranoia about potential damage once she mentioned it). If anything was going to be damaged it was going to be her but I didn’t feel she was worth the price I would have to pay. It was enough to know that she worried about her car whenever it was out of her sight.


Brake fluid works wonders on paint.


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## cp3o (Jun 2, 2018)

When I kicked my XW out nearly thirty years ago she left with half the equity in our house and her (paid for) car. She had a junior management position in a very secure employment (state education sector), earned a good, though not great, salary and had a compulsory pension into which she had to pay for another dozen years before she retired. My job was made redundant (with a 12 month's net income equivalent payout) the day she moved out thereby losing my company car. The business I was in was very specialist, it had 90%+ of the UK market, so I had to find a new market and work my way up the job ladder again.

She stopped work at 60, I stopped at 62 (c. 10 years ago). 

I am NC with her and I never enquire - but family members sometimes tell me things unbidden.

It appears that she never advanced within her location nor managed to get promotion by transferring (though I may have inadvertently had something to do with that). 
I ended up as the go-to guy in a very specialist IT related sector working with the UK's blue-light services. 

I have had a stable relationship with my partner (who is much more attractive both physically and mentally than my X) for 20+ years. XW seems to have lived without a stable SO since we parted.

She has spent the last years abroad and in sufficiently dire financial straits as to now being unable to drive due to her unmet need for medical care she could not afford to insure against. She owns no property and will probably spend the rest of her years in rented accommodation and dependant upon others/public transport to get around. 

Partner and I own (outright) a too-big-for-two property in a sought after village, run three cars (the third being a recently added GT86), are involved in local voluntary roles and take holidays(vacations) several times a year.

Oh - and when our child got into financial difficulty (due in major part to his mother's actions) I was able to assist so that they are now back on their feet and have a decent future.

My X threw away the future I'm living with my partner for furtive, hurried, unemotional hook-ups with men to who's wives she felt inferior.

Who needs revenge?


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

@cp3o Exactly.


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## Evej (Apr 29, 2020)

My husband was seeing someone around our local pub that we went to, I didnt find out till the day after he left me, he moved in with her for 3 weeks. When I found out he'd been seen touching her hand after a few drinks and was so stupid to think I wouldn't be told I was furious, It ate away at me all night, I went to her home the next day, she wasnt in so I picked up a brick and through it through her window. They had me on cctv through a neighbour, the ow called the police to my home and my name was put on some record and I was told to pay for the window. I was furious she was seeing a married man and called police on me, he paid it, they split up, I took him back, he left again, was seeing her for about 5 weeks this time and it dawned on him it wasn't special just new. We did get back together eventually but I feel resentment sometimes. Do I regret the window, no and I wish it had been her face. But I've kind of accepted now that my self respect should have been more important than my love for him, if it happened again I think I would be calm and just say goodbye


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Evej said:


> My husband was seeing someone around our local pub that we went to, I didnt find out till the day after he left me, he moved in with her for 3 weeks. When I found out he'd been seen touching her hand after a few drinks and was so stupid to think I wouldn't be told I was furious, It ate away at me all night, I went to her home the next day, she wasnt in so I picked up a brick and through it through her window. They had me on cctv through a neighbour, the ow called the police to my home and my name was put on some record and I was told to pay for the window. I was furious she was seeing a married man and called police on me, he paid it, they split up, I took him back, he left again, was seeing her for about 5 weeks this time and it dawned on him it wasn't special just new. We did get back together eventually but I feel resentment sometimes. Do I regret the window, no and I wish it had been her face. But I've kind of accepted now that my self respect should have been more important than my love for him, if it happened again I think I would be calm and just say goodbye


You should have tied the brick around his neck and threw it out the door for good.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

The best revenge is moving on, doing better and being happy. When you try to revenge someone it just proves that you still love them, and it validates them more I think. 
Like oh this dude is so obsessed with me, or wow he loves me so much that he couldn’t stand to be without me so he got so mad and burned my car. Don’t give them that satisfaction. Love yourself more and walk away. Your lack of reaction will hurt them way more.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Only revenge necessary is making sure the cheating spouse suffers the full consequences of their actions, whether that be divorce or withdrawal of privileges until some measure of trust can be re-established. In fact, I would consider it the duty of a betrayed spouse to enforce as such. 

It is the failure of society as a whole to enforce consequences and our acceptance of being doormats that has made cheating completely socially acceptable these days.

So yeah, revenge is good, only in the right way.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Harold Demure said:


> We get a lot of posts on here where the BS does seem to be often quite meek in their acceptance of betrayal. I fully understand how betrayal can be totally devastating but has anyone on this site felt the need to get revenge on the WS and AP?
> 
> If so, when did you do it, what did you do and what were the results? Did you feel better or worse?
> 
> ...


An odd post given your chosen name, Harold Demure, from Arts Literature who, when the battle for Epping Forest began, nipped up the nearest tree. What’s the connection?


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## Sukisue1234 (Jan 17, 2018)

Harold Demure said:


> We get a lot of posts on here where the BS does seem to be often quite meek in their acceptance of betrayal. I fully understand how betrayal can be totally devastating but has anyone on this site felt the need to get revenge on the WS and AP?
> 
> If so, when did you do it, what did you do and what were the results? Did you feel better or worse?
> 
> ...


SORRY , DOESNT QUITE CHANG THE FLAWS OF NOT BEING A COMMITTED SPOUSE, BOYFRIEND, OR LOVER,,, AND MIST OF US THAT HAVE DEALT WITH CHEATERS ARE WELL ADVISED TO JUST FORGET YOU EXIST AND KNOW OUR WORTH, REVENGE IS A WASTE OF YOUR ENERGY AND KARMA BUS GETS IT ALL BY ITSELF THATS THE BEST PART TO WATCH AND HAVE NO INTENTION WHATSOEVER OF BEING INVOLVED,, LIKE A FUNNY MOVIE YOU GET TO SEE UNFOLD,,,


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

Casual Oberver, nothing too deep, favourite song from favourite album by favourite band. You are the first to acknowledge the link...... Here comes the cavalry 🤘


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> Only revenge necessary is making sure the cheating spouse suffers the full consequences of their actions, whether that be divorce or withdrawal of privileges until some measure of trust can be re-established. In fact, I would consider it the duty of a betrayed spouse to enforce as such.
> 
> It is the failure of society as a whole to enforce consequences and our acceptance of being doormats that has made cheating completely socially acceptable these days.
> 
> So yeah, revenge is good, only in the right way.


With adultery, the problem is that people want to blame the BS. He/She wasn't doing their job and making the other happy enough. I was reading on a message board in which a poster, identifying as male and a marriage counselor, admitted that his counselling was based on both members of the couple being Equally responsible. He admitted that after his wife cheated on him, he revolutionized his approach in counselling on adultery. 

I really have a low opinion of therapists.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

When my XH left at my request after him cheating, I wasn't rude, just dettached and it drove him nuts for a few months. I was civil and talked about only the necessary - our child and separation details. Everything else, I made it clear I was not available to discuss.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Move your energies to taking care of yourself and your family. Don't pay any attention at all to your ex. Practice some tasks for self-care and care of your children, like exercizing or going to the park together, playing games, cooking something healthy together and trying to get enough sleep. For a long time into my separation, exercizing a lot before bed was the only thing that helped me sleep through most of the night - could be a good start if you are having difficulty sleeping. See friends, do things you enjoy that give you joy. It won't feel normal or happy for a while, but giving yourself that space to rediscover the things in you that know happiness will help you move away from your desire for revenge.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

I don't know. It's never happened to me, but if it did, I would be one of those people who would want to rain hell down on a WS and AP. Nothing violent, just confronting in public, exposing to everyone, bringing about job loss and financial ruin and just making sure that their lives were a living hell. But hey, that's just me.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

That's what helped me move on anyway. And it wasn't out of concern for affair partner or ex-spouse. It was out of concern for myself and my child.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

NextTimeAround said:


> With adultery, the problem is that people want to blame the BS. He/She wasn't doing their job and making the other happy enough. I was reading on a message board in which a poster, identifying as male and a marriage counselor, admitted that his counselling was based on both members of the couple being Equally responsible. He admitted that after his wife cheated on him, he revolutionized his approach in counselling on adultery.
> 
> I really have a low opinion of therapists.


The responsibility of the relationship succeeding or failing as a whole lies in both parties. However the responsibility for the act of infidelity itself lies SOLELY with the cheater.

Sadly many people are not able to see, or understand the distinction.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Enigma32 said:


> Why get actual revenge? That just shows the person who wronged you that they changed you dramatically.


 I've always been vengeful and occasionally vindictive. I've also always been willing to throw a punch. 

So, yeah. No change there, lol.

My ex took a few whuppins, I'll admit to that. So did most of his AP's. We don't need to discuss the property damage or the key words whispered in the right ears.

I quite enjoyed revenge and it made me feel all warm and fuzzy and peaceful. Moving on and living far better than he ever will was going to happen anyway and is also nice.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Wanting revenge implies some kind of connection or feeling for the offending person...and I understand that people would feel that way, for sure! But for ME, when I'm shown I'm not wanted, or even feel like I'm not wanted, something clicks closed against that person and all I want to do is detach and move on. It doesn't matter how much I love and want him - if he makes me feel that I'm not wanted by him, I let go immediately and break away. So I feel NO desire for revenge.

I definitely HURT when that happens, but I don't expect or even want, that person in my heart anymore. Especially if I loved him, if he shows me that he doesn't want ME, doesn't choose ME, then my feelings shut down for him immediately, and I want him to move on and find someone better, so I can too. I don't want revenge...I just want him gone.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

MJJEAN said:


> I've always been vengeful and occasionally vindictive. I've also always been willing to throw a punch.
> 
> So, yeah. No change there, lol.
> 
> ...


Men are judged a bit differently when it comes to violence. If I had administered a whuppin to my ex and/or one of her APs I would forever be labeled violent and abusive, and probably end up in jail. As a man, it's best we do not engage in that sort of thing.

I am a firm believer in living well being the best form of revenge anyway. If you are physically attacking people, you are letting some ex get to you too much. The faster you put those crappy people out of your thoughts and life, the better off you will be.


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## faithfulman (Jun 4, 2018)

NextTimeAround said:


> With adultery, the problem is that people want to blame the BS. He/She wasn't doing their job and making the other happy enough. I was reading on a message board in which a poster, identifying as male and a marriage counselor, admitted that his counselling was based on both members of the couple being Equally responsible. He admitted that after his wife cheated on him, he revolutionized his approach in counselling on adultery.
> 
> *I really have a low opinion of therapists.*


I have a low opinion of therapists as well, in particular with regard to counseling for cheaters.

My experience is that the overwhelming majority of the time, a cheater is just trying to get out of trouble when they see a therapist after being busted, and simply want to "get out of trouble".

So they are going to lie to the therapist and there is very little chance that the therapist is going to hold them accountable. More likely they will validate the cheater with "I can see why you feel that way" and similar ********, and even set themselves against the betrayed spouse.

I always read: "Get the cheater into counseling immediately!" as if therapists are Navy Seals who will surgicall go in and make the cheater see the light.

Meanwhile, the therapist's view on cheating may be stink, their view on what it takes to reconcile very likel;y has a lot to do with the betrayed spouse eating **** and "taking responsibility" for the cheater, the therapist will supply "whys" AKA reasons why the cheater felt they needed to cheat, as if that means anything to the betrayed spouse.

Therapists may be cheaters themselves (I've read and seen this), or complete degenerates (I've seen this), or dumb (I've seen this), have a skewed moral view (I've seen this), etc. etc.

I don't see where all this trust and faith in therapists comes from. Most marriage counselors are also individual counselors, and all therapists need repeat business, so they don't want to anger their client.

And on and on and on.

Therapy ain't gonna make a cheater better, unless the cheater has a burning desire to be better.

Whew, glad I got that off my chest!


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## attheend02 (Jan 8, 2019)

Married but Happy said:


> The best "revenge" is to quickly and decisively leave them/kick them out, and legally take whatever assets you can as soon as you can - make them work to get anything in the settlement. After that, live well and happily as best you can, leave them behind you. Aside from that, revenge is seldom wise or necessary, and probably not healthy.


I think it might be useful to examine what you think is "fair" in your situation. 

I really don't like the idea of revenge - although I entertain the idea in my thoughts.

I think it is important to argue for what you believe is fair in your situation. No more, no less.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

ok, don't call it revenge; call it assessing consequences.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

RandomDude said:


> The responsibility of the relationship succeeding or failing as a whole lies in both parties. However the responsibility for the act of infidelity itself lies SOLELY with the cheater.
> 
> Sadly many people are not able to see, or understand the distinction.


Sometimes the cheater is just a piece of crap that wants strange and never should have married in first place. Nothing the BS did contributed to the marriage breakdown.... Just the WS want for more sex partners.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

A revenge affair is a very, very bad idea. Trust me. I know.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I never looked for revenge but I guess in my own way I got it. I'm now in a new relationship and very happy. He is alone and if things continue the way he's been living he will be alone forever. He sent me a text on New Year's at the digital time that matches our anniversary wishing me a happy new year and hoping I get all I want out of the new year. I know he was missing me and missing our old life.(we used to say Happy Anniversary anytime we noticed the digital clock matched our anniversary) At the time he sent that, I was snuggled up with my boyfriend feeling very loved and well cared for and my exH knows that. It's certainly not something I'm doing on purpose but it does hurt him a lot that I've moved on and that I'm happy even though he understands why I couldn't stay with him.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Whether you reconcile or divorce, revenge affairs are not worth it.

I took the "if my wife can sleep with two people, so can I" route. At the time I was dead set on divorce (as dead set as someone can be while going back and forth daily), I wanted to feel better about myself, I wanted to put the nail in the coffin, and I wanted to hurt my wife. So I slept with someone that would hurt my wife the most (past history with her) and had a ONS with someone whose name I don't even remember. I felt like absolute **** after the first one, though not enough to stop sleeping with her so that carried on for a while. I had to confess that a few months later when my wife and I had decided to reconcile. Yes, I succeeded in hurting her and giving her a TINY taste of what she did... but I also added a **** ton of more stuff to our already overflowing plate. And almost two years later we're still dealing with it, every damn day. Granted, up until about 5-6 months ago, every time my wife and I had issues while reconciling I went to one of those women (to varying degrees) so it's still fresh.

Revenge affairs double the amount of crap you have to deal with. There will be times that both spouses are struggling and that's hard to deal with. It's taken me a long time to learn to deal with one problem at a time and seeing them as separate issues when necessary. Reconciling is hard enough, you don't need to add more to it.

And if you do follow through with divorce, it's still not worth it. You could feel like **** about it, when you already feel bad enough, and it brings you down to the cheaters level. Like already said, the best revenge is moving on and being happy.

As for "dealing" with the AP(s)... Do I regret getting into fights with one of the AP's and smashing his car window? Honestly, I don't and thinking about it makes me smirk. I do regret that the fights were in front of my kids, my extended family, and in public, and how I acted towards my wife during those fights. But hitting him? Nah. I wish I could punch him right now and sometimes I sit around thinking about how nice it would be to hit him next time I see his stupid face. He's a prick. But was it a good choice to get into fights with him and break property? Nope, and it's not worth the trouble that could have come from that.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

If you want revenge first dig two graves.

But if it happens organically then great. My ex was 19 years older, wore a ****ty toupee, and was obsessed with the idea that he looked all kinds of younger. A big reason he seeks out younger women is so that he can pretend he's younger. One of our major issues was that while he liked having a younger wife he was also very jealous that I was younger, so he engaged in a lot of things that were meant to make me feel like ****. It was his way of sticking it to me for being younger.

So where did my organic revenge come in? Well, first I divorced him.

I support myself just fine so I don't need him....that stings him.

Also, he was obsessed with the idea that I was going to replace him quickly which was rich considering he kept an ex gf around our entire relationship. But as it turns out he was quite easy to replace with a guy 10 years younger then him, better looking, and has his real hair. Its a touch thin like many men but nobody cares ...all I care about is that whats there is real.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

When I caught my ex-wife still cheating after we had been 'working on things' for several weeks, I forwarded an incriminating email string with her sancho that I intercepted to her family and close friends. This was the same group that I demanded she admit the affair to for accountability when I caught her the first time, so I'm sure that was awkward. She's no longer friends with any of the 4-5 I sent it to except the closest one, who was in on it and covering for her at times. I found it satisfying, and one of the only things about our divorce that came out in my favor. It's not good to have a penis in my State during a divorce.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

LisaDiane said:


> Wanting revenge implies some kind of connection or feeling for the offending person...and I understand that people would feel that way, for sure!


What if there is no "kind of connection or feeling for the offending person" just a strong need for JUSTICE to put things right with yourself. A.K.A. @MJJEAN 's "warm and fuzzy and peaceful " feeling.
I'm not above giving Kharma a little boost. To each his own.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

LisaDiane said:


> Wanting revenge implies some kind of connection or feeling for the offending person...and I understand that people would feel that way, for sure! But for ME, when I'm shown I'm not wanted, or even feel like I'm not wanted, something clicks closed against that person and all I want to do is detach and move on. It doesn't matter how much I love and want him - if he makes me feel that I'm not wanted by him, I let go immediately and break away. So I feel NO desire for revenge.
> 
> I definitely HURT when that happens, but I don't expect or even want, that person in my heart anymore. Especially if I loved him, if he shows me that he doesn't want ME, doesn't choose ME, then my feelings shut down for him immediately, and I want him to move on and find someone better, so I can too. I don't want revenge...I just want him gone.


Wanting revenge implies some kind of connection or feeling for the offending person[/ICODE]

Not necessarily. Some people want to set the record straight. The could be very important if you socialize with the same people that you professionally network with.

Imagine someone saying "Do you know LD. I want to offer her a job in family law." And the answer is "I don't know her that well. But I did hear she got a divorce because she was cheating on him. I know I heard him cheating on her .... but that was after they separated."

(I'm sure someone going to come on off here and tell me then you don't want to work for someone like that.....)


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Hm...oh my revenge stories...

Let's see where it starts:
First time (kind of...difficult to say when it is truly the first time), the man who raised me and I got into a yelling match and I think he punched me in the face. And it erupted from there until my mom broke us up. The relationships for everyone was very different at the time.
And a second time I'm pretty sure I punched him in the gut, and it more violent from there. I'm pretty sure the second time was the most violent. Mom wasn't home, it...dragged out until I think he lost and told me to stop. Not the proudest moment of my life. (In hindsight, I think I understand why he maybe hates me now) And I'm pretty certain during one of our fights I yelled "I wish you weren't my father!" Oh the irony...

Then there was the girlfriend in college. Beautiful, same major as me, and had me in an extremely terrible time in my life. Thought I loved her (probably was the sex). Think I posted about it on the forum actually, some super old post. And I, like an idiot, shared my emotional and parental problems with her (and people ask me why I don't open up anymore...LOL). Shouldn't have been so vulnerable. Or vulnerable at all. Given the time. 
Anyway, she hooked up with some other dude. Probably from me sharing my problems, and...whatever else she weas dealing with? Being a *****? Think he worked with her? I can't remember any more, I was drinking VERY heavily at the time (before anyone asks, NO! I could still function as a man). A buddy said he saw something, and I eventually caught the red flag one day.
If I remember correctly (again, I was drinking super heavily then) I think I wanted to surprise her one day with concert tickets. That's when I saw the red flag. The next guy I walked by I gave the tickets to. Then I called either some friend I knew, or a friend of the STBX. Told her the situation, and said let's go out, have a nice expensive dinner somewhere, bone, and let STBX find out. And that's how it went.
And...I don't remember much else. College, terrible course load, horrific emotional trauma, and extreme alcoholism will do that. STBX got mad and hurt, I told her I knew....and I think a few months later some guy crashed her car.

Then after I found out I was the product of an affair, my sister contacted me. I had cut her out of my life, she was the last person I had contact with, to tell me mom was having financial trouble. And that whatever problems we had, she was still my mom.
So I invited mom to lunch somewhere, met her, then loudly announced during a crowded lunch hour at a restaurant near where she lived that I knew I was the product of an affair, and wanted to know who my dad was. And after she broke down, she told me. And I am banned from that restaurant now. Don't know if anyone she knows was there, but I imagine that has to be embarrassing.

Then lastly, man who is biologically my father. I met him. And loathed him as a human being. Told me something along the lines of he won the lottery, since he made me, but didn't have to raise me. And was a complete loser (on a side note, why do women hook up with losers? Like, notice how they never get knocked up by the doctor side-piece).
Anyway, he had a crap job. I knew where he worked, and what he did. I also happened to know his boss's boss. I made a little call, dropped his name, fabricated a story, and...he got fired. Imagine my shock!
And he called me a few months later saying he was losing his place (or maybe homeless? I learned to stop remembering things about people I don't care about) and begged me to let him move in. I laughed and hung up.

Oh revenge...
And fate...and irony...

Not sure where the lesson is in this story. Or any of them.
Maybe...don't overly share your feelings or problems or other crap with your girlfriend? Or don't yell hypothetical things in the heat of the moment just to hurt someone? Or don't have affairs? Or if you want to get back at a cheating Ex, an expensive dinner with someone just to tick her off when you work hourly and in college isn't the best idea?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

People in their 20s who never had the experiences that you had, have trouble empathising with someone who has had that experience. Your experiences go against the beliefs that society holds dear. That your parents love and that everything that they do for you or to you is for your benefit. Don't feel bad that you "broke the code." It's happened to a lot of us. I would learn not to share those stories with a gf until you get some idea of what believes. If she expresses disbelief of these sorts of people whether of someone she knows or of a character on TV or person featured in a documentary, then you need to keep your mouth shut.

Learn to control your emotions and take pleasure in your self-discipline.


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## Max.HeadRoom (Jun 28, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> I've always been vengeful and occasionally vindictive. I've also always been willing to throw a punch.
> 
> So, yeah. No change there, lol.
> 
> ...


You sound like my brother, he came home to hear his wife ****ing someone in his bed, wife heard him coming up the stairs and locked the door. He took that door and frame apart and broke 3 bones in his hand on the AP b4 the police could stop it. wife called after she locked the door as she knew what was heading there way. guy did not press charges and the wife was gone a week later.
By brother has never backed down, he lost an ear in a street fight at 13, they put it back on kind of crocked, I admire him


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Enigma32 said:


> Men are judged a bit differently when it comes to violence. If I had administered a whuppin to my ex and/or one of her APs I would forever be labeled violent and abusive, and probably end up in jail.


Socially, not where I come from. The determining factor in right vs wrong is "Did they deserve it and was the response proportionate to the offense?" rather than gender.

Legally, that's another story, but it's not customary to call the police for something like assault. That is typically handled personally.



Enigma32 said:


> If you are physically attacking people, you are letting some ex get to you too much.


That had nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. I don't tolerate mistreatment without retaliation.

It's not like getting vengeance and living well are mutually exclusive. You can have both!


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

What happened to "Revenge is meal, best served cold."


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Max.HeadRoom said:


> You sound like my brother, he came home to hear his wife f’ing someone in his bed, wife heard him coming up the stairs and locked the door. He took that door and frame apart and broke 3 bones in his hand on the AP b4 the police could stop it. wife called after she locked the door as she knew what was heading there way. guy did not press charges and the wife was gone a week later.
> By brother has never backed down, he lost an ear in a street fight at 13, they put it back on kind of crocked, I admire him


This guy was Fight Clubbing since 13 and she thought to eff a guy in his bed??? Perhaps she had some revenge against that AP in mind....


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## Austin1979 (Dec 31, 2020)

Andy1001 said:


> This didn’t involve cheating but when my then fiancée/now wife and I had some problems a few years ago some of her friends/employees tried to split us up by telling her lies about me cheating. I want to make it clear that I wasn’t cheating.
> My fiancée got into some trouble and was in danger of losing her business to bankruptcy when I stepped in and bought the business.
> The first day I took over I fired three of the culprits.
> And it felt great. 😁


Great story! Best one yet for me to see!


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## Austin1979 (Dec 31, 2020)

joannacroc said:


> Move your energies to taking care of yourself and your family. Don't pay any attention at all to your ex. Practice some tasks for self-care and care of your children, like exercizing or going to the park together, playing games, cooking something healthy together and trying to get enough sleep. For a long time into my separation, exercizing a lot before bed was the only thing that helped me sleep through most of the night - could be a good start if you are having difficulty sleeping. See friends, do things you enjoy that give you joy. It won't feel normal or happy for a while, but giving yourself that space to rediscover the things in you that know happiness will help you move away from your desire for revenge.


I second this and now this is what I’m doing. Buy that gift you want, get tattoos you wanted but couldn’t cause you are a family man. Buy that motorcycle. Do what makes you happy. Diet, lose weight. Get a dope ass hair cut. Do you! It’s the best feeling ever when in your marriage that you was not selfish but now that POS Cheater is gone you can get or do what ever the **** you want too! It’s so damn refreshing!


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> People in their 20s who never had the experiences that you had, have trouble empathising with someone who has had that experience. Your experiences go against the beliefs that society holds dear. That your parents love and that everything that they do for you or to you is for your benefit. Don't feel bad that you "broke the code." It's happened to a lot of us. I would learn not to share those stories with a gf until you get some idea of what believes.


I don't share crap with the girls I date. Not my history, my abandonment, my parental problems, none of it. (Though I imagine if I was marriage inclined, the lack of inlaws might compensate for my emotional baggage). 
I never share these things with anyone, and just keep it bottled down and ignore it. The way it's supposed to be done. It only boils to the surface during certain holidays, and when I've had too much drink. 



NextTimeAround said:


> What happened to "Revenge is meal, best served cold."


Immediate revenge only requires emotions. Anger, rage, whatever. And it's immediate. And for guys, usually involves breaking a few bones. I don't know what girls do to get revenge on guys? Sleeping with another guy? But immediate revenge is generally split-second thinking. And it's also generally stupid. 

Cold revenge requires logical thinking, and setting emotions aside. You have to learn about the person, and decide what will actually hurt them? Bruises heal in a couple weeks, bones a couple months. Cold revenge requires that you logically think of a way to hurt them that lasts a long time. A way that goes beyond physical. It could be like when I got my biological father fired from his job. You have to come up with a plan that minimizes your exposure to falling into the grave you're digging for your victim. You have to approach it from multiple angles. This revenge requires cold, methodical, unemotional thinking. 

The only problem tends to be the collateral damage. Even cold revenge tends to be wielded like a sledge hammer when it comes to collateral damage, and less like a surgeon's scalpel.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Broken at 20 said:


> I don't share crap with the girls I date. Not my history, my abandonment, my parental problems, none of it. (Though I imagine if I was marriage inclined, the lack of inlaws might compensate for my emotional baggage).
> I never share these things with anyone, and just keep it bottled down and ignore it. The way it's supposed to be done. It only boils to the surface during certain holidays, and when I've had too much drink.
> 
> 
> ...


You’re a little bit scary.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

If I squint just a little, I have a hard time telling revenge from infidelity.

They are two sides of the same coin. Revenge is something you do to make yourself feel better. It is a choice that no one forces you to perform. It is a poor reaction to a situation for which better alternatives usually exist. If no is responsible for cheating, as is so frequently parroted on this forum, then no one else makes you engage in revenge. 

You become, if not exactly what you despise, then a slightly distorted reflection of it.


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

Ex was caught screwing her student-teacher(older college kid). I walked away as her professional life burned to the ground and was just beginning to recover years later when Covid hit, her personal life and reputation were in shreds. One of her two kids refused to talk to her for over a year, and he barely talks to her now as a result. She was repeatedly placed into psych hospital over next 2 years. I did nothing to her. But she lost everything. When thinking about this question, an image popped in my head... a guy calmly walking a way with a smirk in his face as the building behind him explodes. Contact with her is VERY limited, but I have not cut her off completely at request of a few of her doctors/therapists/counselors/whatever. 

To her boy-toy, with exception of telling and ultimately becoming friends with his wife, shortly thereafter, his ex wife, I didn’t do anything to him either. When his university found out what he was doing, they suggested that he find a new program to enroll in. Not that I’m keeping tabs on him, but heard from his ex that he moved to the Midwest and basically had to restart his grad program over from scratch. Again, I didn’t do anything to him, but with me being in the field for 20+ years, several of my friends encouraged the university program to do what it should to protect its reputation (and be able to get their future students into area schools for internships).

I have been buying the first round at workshops and conferences since then. 

Life since then has been great. Not perfect, but great. No regrets!


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

I hear these stories, but then I recall a line from the movie "The Sting": 

"The best sting is when they don't even know they were stung". 

(or something to that effect)


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

cp3o said:


> It appears that she never advanced within her location nor managed to get promotion by transferring (though I may have inadvertently had something to do with that).
> I ended up as the go-to guy in a very specialist IT related sector working with the UK's blue-light services.


OK, from my Google search, I'm going to guess that "blue-light services" means some sort of emergency or ambulance services. 

In the US, when I hear Blue Light, I think of K-mart.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Wolfman1968 said:


> OK, from my Google search, I'm going to guess that "blue-light services" means some sort of emergency or ambulance services.
> 
> In the US, when I hear Blue Light, I think of K-mart.


In Britain it means cops.


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## cp3o (Jun 2, 2018)

Wolfman1968 said:


> OK, from my Google search, I'm going to guess that "blue-light services" means some sort of emergency or ambulance services.
> 
> In the US, when I hear Blue Light, I think of K-mart.


Yup - Police, Fire and Rescue, and Ambulance Services with a few small specialist outfits. Those authorised to use flashing blue lights on their vehicles.

Who's K-mart?


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

cp3o said:


> Yup - Police, Fire and Rescue, and Ambulance Services with a few small specialist outfits. Those authorised to use flashing blue lights on their vehicles.
> 
> Who's K-mart?


K-mart is a discount department store in the US. 30 years ago, it was the number 2 retail store in the country (second only to Sears). They fell victim to competition from new upcoming stores like Walmart and Target and have largely disappeared.
One feature they had was their "Blue Light Special", a special in-store sale on a specific item, and the sale only lasted a short time (minutes). The store would announce the sale by activating a police-like rotating blue light on a pole at the end of the aisle containing the sale item, and describe the sale over the store Public Address system with the famous introductory phrase, "Attention K-Mart Shoppers".


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Wolfman1968 said:


> K-mart is a discount department store in the US. 30 years ago, it was the number 2 retail store in the country (second only to Sears). They fell victim to competition from new upcoming stores like Walmart and Target and have largely disappeared.
> One feature they had was their "Blue Light Special", a special in-store sale on a specific item, and the sale only lasted a short time (minutes). The store would announce the sale by activating a police-like rotating blue light on a pole at the end of the aisle containing the sale item, and describe the sale over the store Public Address system with the famous introductory phrase, "Attention K-Mart Shoppers".


I remember this vividly from shopping with my mom back in the day, however put into writing...it sounds pretty ridiculous. 😂


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

When I was still trying to R with (what I came to realize) was my _entirely_ un-remorseful now-ex-husband after what I thought was an EA I'd caught him in, I sometimes entertained myself with creating elaborate revenge scenarios. When I finally found out he had actually been a serial cheater our entire 21+ year relationship, those fantasies sort of kicked into overdrive for a short while. 

He was a completely unabashed adrenaline junky who was into all sorts of expensive and quite dangerous hobbies, he was a known hard drinker who repeatedly and quite publicly took stupid and dangerous risks while drunk, in the prior three years he had skated on what should have been 2 different DUI charges due to his name and family connections so he was perpetually in danger of losing the clearance his job required, he travelled a lot and he gambled a LOT and was always teetering on the ragged edge of financial collapse. And, on top of it all, he'd been shagging other women - some married - for, apparently, decades. So, basically, no one who knew him would have been all that shocked if he got himself killed, had some sort of drunken accident or even succumbed to depression over his financial woes, alcoholism, or one of his affairs. There would legitimately have been dozens of potential suspects if his death seemed at all suspect, with me being one of the least likely of the bunch. And I would have found myself a well-set-up widow after payment of the sizeable life insurance policy he'd taken out himself when our son was born years before. 

It wasn't until I started to realize I could very probably, _honestly and realistically_, get away with killing him, that I realized my thinking was becoming a bit too focused and unhealthy. So, I stopped. I went entirely grey-rock on him. I proceeded with the very amicable and quick divorce. Then I simply refused to engage with him ever again on any subject not directly related to our son. 

I'm very happily remarried, financially quite sound, and our now-college-aged son greatly prefers to come stay with me and my new husband during school breaks because his dad's "a ****ing mess" (son's words). My ex-husband is still entirely...himself. 

He still sends me friend requests on FB every year or so. I just do us both the courtesy of ignoring them.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

...


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Wolfman1968 said:


> K-mart is a discount department store in the US. 30 years ago, it was the number 2 retail store in the country (second only to Sears). They fell victim to competition from new upcoming stores like Walmart and Target and have largely disappeared.
> One feature they had was their "Blue Light Special", a special in-store sale on a specific item, and the sale only lasted a short time (minutes). The store would announce the sale by activating a police-like rotating blue light on a pole at the end of the aisle containing the sale item, and describe the sale over the store Public Address system with the famous introductory phrase, "Attention K-Mart Shoppers".


It always makes me think of when Michael Keaton says it on Bettlejuice.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

When I found out about her affair, I realized my wife wasn't worth the effort - reconciliation or revenge.. I went no contact and filed for divorce.

She had no opportunity to manipulate much less ask for a reconciliation. I bet to this day she is unaware that I knew she was having an affair.

My ex wife isn't even aware that I traded up a few short years later. My 2nd wife is a significant upgrade in intelligence, looks, etc.

Moving on quickly as if your betrayer never existed, rebuilding a better life without them is the best revenge.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

marko polo said:


> When I found out about her affair, I realized my wife wasn't worth the effort - reconciliation or revenge.. I went no contact and filed for divorce.
> 
> She had no opportunity to manipulate much less ask for a reconciliation. I bet to this day she is unaware that I knew she was having an affair.
> 
> ...


So she NEVER asked WHY you divorced her? She never asked you why you left? She just accepted your divorce papers and signed them?
Wow from the horror stories about divorces I've read here, you lucked out.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

jlg07 said:


> So she NEVER asked WHY you divorced her? She never asked you why you left? She just accepted your divorce papers and signed them?
> Wow from the horror stories about divorces I've read here, you lucked out.


I dont know if he gave her the opportunity to ask. Speak only through lawyers and ghost the cheater as if they no longer exist.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> So she NEVER asked WHY you divorced her? She never asked you why you left? She just accepted your divorce papers and signed them?
> Wow from the horror stories about divorces I've read here, you lucked out.


No luck at all really. I did not escape without cost. It helped that my ex was not nearly as clever as she believed.
My ex is a narcissist. No she never asked why because she had no opportunity to do so. Our separation was by her design and it meant literally 1000 miles between us. I went no contact once I recognized she was playing games and stepping out of the marriage. She was actively grooming/seducing my replacement. This was the true reason for our separation. 

Our only communication was by lawyer. The divorce should have taken a little over a year to complete. She dragged it out so that it took 2.5 years before the proceedings were completed.

So no she didn't just accept the divorce. I will share an example.

The first attempt to have her served with the divorce papers failed because she had moved away and surprisingly NOT left me with a forwarding address or phone number to reach her. Keep this point in mind for the rest of the tale. The process server couldn't find her. They actively searched for her for about a month. Just before we separated she had gone back to school. I pointed the server in this direction. Success. The first response back from my ex wife's lawyer was the my ex wife was angry and embarrassed that she was served the divorce papers at her college. That I could have give my ex wife a heads up. How would that be possible without knowing her new address or phone number? This is just one example of the stupidity I dealt with.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

"_Speak only through lawyers and ghost the cheater as if they no longer exist_".

This is exactly what I did. She played games during our separation that proved to me she had no interest in reconciliation. She wanted me to remain as a backup. When I figured out she was having an affair I wasn't having any of that. I blindsided her with the divorce she no doubt expected to pursue when she was ready. I went no contact and all communications that followed were through our lawyers.

My ex wife didn't know my address nor did she have my contact information. We were 1000 miles apart in our respective home communities. Late 90s so no social media just bare bones internet/netscape and email. My ex had no opportunity for communication much less manipulation.


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