# Marriage Up In Smoke



## sanitylost (Apr 18, 2015)

I am new to this forum. I could really use others perspectives and advice right now. My husband and I have been married for over 20 years. We have two children together, one adult and one small toddler. I am considering divorce.

For the last several years my husband has been working a job where he travels for an extended period of time and then has a considerable amount of time off. For the last couple of years work has been slow and he has less and less work. He gets laid off for 4 to 6 months at a time. He was laid off again in January. 

Every time he gets laid off, we near financial ruin. We were able to get through three almost foreclosures. The last time I was able to modify our loan. This is not going to be an option again.

We live paycheck to paycheck. I work a full-time job. When he is laid off, he watches our daughter to avoid daycare costs. He cleans the house and does laundry so he isn't just sitting on the couch. However, it is not financially possible for either one of us to be a stay at home parent.

The solution is for him to get a full-time local job, which he states he wants. The problem is he has been unable to do so. First, I believe this is the main reason, my husband is unable to pass a drug test. He has smoked pot for the entirety of our relationship quitting at times for only a short period. I don't have a problem with pot in general. I do however have a problem with the ramification of choosing to smoke pot - not being able to find a decent job to support our family.

My husband knew in January that there wasn't going to be work for a long time. We are in the middle of April and it doesn't look like his company will have any work for months from now. I feel like if our family was the most important thing to him and getting a job was a priority, he would have quit smoking back in January.

My husband is suffering from anxiety problems. I believe he has tried to quit smoking in the last couple of weeks and that has exasperated the problem. I encouraged him to see his doctor. His doctor prescribed him something but it made him feel like he was "crawling out of his skin". The doctor prescribed something else and my husband claims that it makes him feel weird. He is still suffering from high anxiety. I too suffer from anxiety but have been taking medication to control it for years. So I do know what he is going through and sympathize with him.

He doesn't make a real effort in looking for a job. He is a skilled tradesman and a hard worker when he is working. If he got a new job, he would work hard. But if he got laid off for any reason, he would wait until we almost lost everything until getting another job. I do not have a car (can't afford one) and get him to take me to work or borrow a family members car. If he was working consistently, we would not always be crawling out of the enormous debt that accumulates.

If I try to talk to him about getting a job, looking for work, or finishing the projects around the house he shuts down or gets angry. I put my head in the sand and pray that it will all work out. He doesn't want to talk about anything that will make him uncomfortable. He is angry often and speaks to me in an inappropriate manner at times. I used to be quick tempered myself, but for the last six months or so I have made a conscious effort to change my behavior. As you see, we are both poor communicators and if this marriage is salvageable we will both have to work harder in this area.

I realize that I chose my husband, pot smoking and all. To be honest, I have raised one child already with him and the spotty work history. I don't think I can do it again.

I love my husband and I believe he loves me. There are other problems in the marriage, which I can discuss. I am not the best wife I can be and he is not the best husband he can be. I just don't want this first post to turn in to a book and nobody want to read it.

I am seriously considering divorce. I don't want to divorce. My husband is a terrific father and our daughter would suffer greatly. I just don't think I can continue to live without any type of financial stability. I would appreciate it if anyone has any advice for me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old is your daughter?

Can you support yourself and your child without him infusing money into your budget from time to time.

What do you know about the divorce laws in your state? You need to find out before you file for divorce. In some states, like California, you might have to pay him child support and alimony if his total income for the year is much lower than yours.

So what % of your joint income do you earn?

Sometimes people do not make the needed changes until they are hit with a catastrophe. Have you told him that you are considering divorce?


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## sanitylost (Apr 18, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> How old is your daughter?
> 
> Can you support yourself and your child without him infusing money into your budget from time to time.
> 
> ...


First thank you so much for posting.

Our daughter is 3. I cannot support our household on my income alone at this time. I would need to rent out probably two of our three rooms to female college students if my husband and I divorce.

Last year my husband made a little more than me as he had steady work for months. When he works, he makes good money. The year prior he made a little less as he was laid off so much that year. This year with him not working at all yet, I will make more. 

He is supposed to be the main breadwinner. My net income is reduced due to healthcare insurance for me and my children ($150 a week). We can't afford for me to add him to my insurance plan so he is uninsured. I currently net around $450 a week. I pay daycare ($100 a week) when he is working. If he had a job in his trade, he would probably make at least twice that and would have health insurance which would save me the $150 I pay a week. I don't know anything about the divorce laws in FL.

A couple of weeks ago I bought a book for my husband and I to read. I knew our marriage was struggling and I was becoming resentful. To be honest, I was/am losing respect for him as the provider for our family and as a husband. Maybe it is just too much for him? Maybe it is just too much for me? It is just an unemployment cycle with him.

Anyway, I bought the book. He read several chapters or maybe the whole book. I never read it. I can make excuses as to why, not much time, etc. but really I should have made the effort. I was hoping that we would then discuss it together. I dropped the ball.

Yesterday when I got off work, I asked him when he is going to finish the kitchen. In December he started painting our kitchen cabinets. I would like the rest of the doors hung and for them to be finished. He got upset with me and asked me why I am trying to stress him out. He walked out of the room and I just dropped it.

Today, I called him on my lunch break. I explained that my company is having a hard time again and they might end up skipping 2 to 3 paychecks starting next week. This happened last year as well for a total of 6 paychecks. He was of course angry about this and told me how stupid I was for continuing to work for this company, etc.

I told him that I needed him to make it a priority for him to get a job right away, like on Monday. He ignored that and continued to vent about my job.

I work for a family members boyfriends company. It is a small company. I have a lot of freedom with this job. If my daughter is sick, I can stay home with her and work from home. If I need to leave early or come in late, I can. Plus I enjoy the job. I would rather be a stay at home mom with my daughter, but it isn't a possibility. This is the next best thing. Yes it sucks that the company is having financial difficulties. But I don't want to quit this job, especially when I haven't found another one yet. I am however, always looking for opportunities that I feel are better that include healthcare.

I understand his frustration about my job possibly missing paychecks again. But that doesn't negate the fact that if he was working a full-time job, it would not seriously hurt us.

He told me that I am stressing him out and making his anxiety worse. In reality, I was trying to give him a heads up. Like hey, get a job so we don't go into foreclosure again. Or hey, we probably won't be able to go grocery shopping for a few weeks, or pay the light bill, etc.

I asked are you going to get a job or not. He didn't answer. I got so frustrated. I just thought at that moment, I can't do this anymore. Not one more day.

So I told him. I want a divorce. I am moving out today. I am filing on Monday. I am tired. He said he is tired too.

When I got off work, I packed up some stuff and left. My daughter, my dog, and I are staying in a family members guest room.

He didn't say a word. I think he is depressed. I don't know how to help him.

I feel a mixture of relief, fear, and sadness.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I get how you feel. I went through something similar when my husband lost his job in 2002. He never found a job.. just played on the computer. I was left to support my son, his two children and him. Once the children were out of high school I divorced him. 

It's too back that your husband has anxiety issues. But like you say, so you do. And somehow you are able to get up and go to work every day, take care of your child, etc.

It's his responsibility to get his butt going.

One suggestion I can give you is that if he can do things like handy man work, there is money to be made. All he has to do is to put an ad on craigslist. The guys around here who do that are charging $20 - $30 an hour. And they are busy all the time. Maybe he will do that.

I suggest that you put the house up for sale asap so that you do not lose your investment in it. 

Have you checked to see if you and your daughter can get on Medicaid? Actually all 3 of you might be able to if you are the only one earning income right now.

Florida Department of Children and Families


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

sanitylost said:


> Yesterday when I got off work, I asked him when he is going to finish the kitchen. In December he started painting our kitchen cabinets. I would like the rest of the doors hung and for them to be finished. He got upset with me and asked me why I am trying to stress him out. He walked out of the room and I just dropped it.


Really? Tell him to man up and finish the kitchen. It's going on nearly 6 months. He's had more than enough time to finish it.



sanitylost said:


> He told me that I am stressing him out and making his anxiety worse. In reality, I was trying to give him a heads up. Like hey, get a job so we don't go into foreclosure again. Or hey, we probably won't be able to go grocery shopping for a few weeks, or pay the light bill, etc.
> 
> I asked are you going to get a job or not. He didn't answer. I got so frustrated. I just thought at that moment, I can't do this anymore. Not one more day.


I don't get this. To keep from having to get student loans while in college, I worked many jobs - I was a shyt washer (bar slang for the poor slob who cleans out the bar stalls at the end of the night), I was a tar truck driver, heck I even became a pet groomer (which turned out to be really well paying and it gave me a fall back in case my carear never took off).

I don't understand people who can't/won't. The situation you're in would force me to get a job, any job just to make sure the house was paid for and my wife and kids had food.




sanitylost said:


> He didn't say a word. I think he is depressed. I don't know how to help him.


You can't. You can only holp if he wants it.

What's the phrase - you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.


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## LeaPrice (Apr 3, 2014)

My advice...write it all down. Sit down with him and have a discussion. Just tell him like it is. "We're broke. We need money. Stop smoking pot so you can pass a drug test or get a job that doesn't require one; something, anything. Show me you care. If I didn't love you I wouldn't be talking to you about this. If you can't pull it together for our family I'm out." Don't quote me though.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You did what you had to do and frankly I think you rolled over for far too long. 

FYI, by telling him you want a divorce and leaving, which was probably the right thing to do, you've drawn a line in the sand. If you decide to get back together be very careful about the boundaries you enforce or you will have zero credibility.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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