# Is This an Emotional Affair? Thoughts?



## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

I posted about my wife's cheating on another thread but I wanted to talk about the emotional affair aspect specifically because my wife has always maintained that she never had any kind of emotional affair, only that she can be too flirty and that she said things that were "inappropriate" to this guy.

Back story: wife meets this married man at a work conference *one month* after her and I got engaged. (So 6 years ago) Other Man (OM) hits on my wife a few times fairly innocently during the day. They get drunk at the hotel bar that night. At 1am wife goes back to her room and as I'm talking to my wife on her cell from her hotel room, OM calls my wife's room and asks her to come to his room to "work out." (Do the math with that.) Wife says no thanks. I was upset my wife got drunk with this guy in the first place but she promised she wouldn't talk to him any more.

She lies initially about talking to him and I find out they do email but wife says it's just about work and music, sports, nothing inappropriate. I HATED it and didn't trust it but I had to believe her. A little over a year ago I had enough of the suspicions and break into her email. I also found out that at a different conference a year later he tried to kiss my wife when they were alone in her hotel room watching TV on her bed and had been drinking again. 

These are the types of emails I found:

When wife and I were at a friends wedding in 2011, wife wrote to OM from bathroom: "I know I shouldn't say this, but I really wish you were here. You're so great. I hope you know that. Take care, you." And sent a photo of herself.

When wife and I were in Las Vegas, wife sent photo of herself and wrote to OM: "The Cirque du Soleil show was amazing. I cried. I cried because you'd love it and I wanted you there. You'd really love it. I wish you were here : ("

Another night in 2011: Wife write to OM: "I'm thinking about the first time we met... saying good-bye in the elevator and me getting out on the wrong floor. I had no idea you noticed. I like that you noticed. OM to wife: "I forgot about your missed floor. That was pretty cute, actually." Wife to OM: "Cute, huh? I'm surprised. But then again I'm surprised you ever wanted to talk to me in the first place" OM to Wife: "It's pretty funny how quickly we gravitated toward each other. Can't believe that was four years ago." Wife to OM: "It was, wasn't it? I don't think I'd ever experienced that before... and haven't since. hmmm.... not sure I should say anymore..." OM to Wife: Sweet Dreams, (wife's name) : )

In Sept. 2010, Wife to OM: "After the 'wish you were here email,' I couldn't get the thought out of my head. Either that or I wish I was there. I seem to think it more and more. Which leads me to a state I can only refer to as... Awkward Bewilderment. So.. yeah... I am now feeling what I imagine you felt during our awkward phone conversation. Since I'm typing it, I thought it'd be less awkward... but it isn't."

Wife to OM in 2012: "there are also things I want to say and share with you that I know for many reasons, I can't. Timing really isn't our thing is it?"

Wife to OM: "When you were in Europe saying 'wish you were here,' I must confess I was happy at first, than terribly sad. There you were having these once-in-a-lifetime experiences and they weren't what you'd hoped. It seemed unfair to me. You deserved to enjoy every second. As much as I wanted to be traipsing around beautiful countryside, I also thought we'd have just as good a time together if it was raining and we had no power, or if we were stuck in an airport with a delayed flight. That's the thing about you that I can't seem to shake - no matter when I am, I think it'd be nice to have you there and no matter where you are, I think about how I could make sure you were not just OK, but happy and content."

Finally, Feb. 2013, day after valentines day: They had a conversation about a guy hitting on my wife. OM to Wife "I guess you can count me in the fraternity of dumb guys who hit on you. You're welcome " Wife to OM: "Oh Mr. (last name)... I said wrong, not dumb... but you are.... the singular exception to well.... everything.... for you I have wished and will forever wish for a time machine... now why can I be emotionally vulnerable and brutally honest with you but not that lame guy"

He sent her maybe 5 photos of himself. She sent about 35 of herself over the 5 years. Nothing sexual about the photos, they were clothed and smiling.

*Keep in mind during all this time she is demanding that her and I make a baby. 
*
OM has since divorced, but while divorcing got his exwife pregnant. OM now has another gf. Funny thing was, OM rarely responded to these types of messages from my wife. There wasn't much of it said on his part. (Could have been that since his ex got pregnant, he changed) My wife just threw them out there. But he didn't really acknowledge them. And when I confronted her about all of this she denied it then and still denies this was ever an emotional affair. Her reaction was to rage against me and said that my accusations were preposterous.

I look forward to your thoughts. Thank you.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

I didn't even have to read your post after you said she admitted she was emotionally too close to him. Ummm. Well, that's an EA! There you have it. But yes, from your examples that was a clear EA. No question.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Including this one, how many other men has your wife been involved with since you two were committed? Is she such a flame/flirt that moths fly to, that you can't really know?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

OK. Your wife thinks she didn't have an EA with her OM.

Then please ask her to describe her relationship and feelings for him.


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

Sorry to say this but if she hasn't slept with him so far she is well on her way. This crap has been going on for years man. Wake up. Your is serious trouble here. 
Mine had an EA for one month till I caught her. I told her more contact at all. None. 
I almost moved out. You guys need MC here. Big time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

Anchorwatch,
The only other man I know of during the marriage is a man she made out with in Vegas in 2009. Lied about for several years (I saw a photo with him and her from her trip and questioned it) and then in 2012 she finally admitted to it.

However, we are currently doing a trial separation with the promise to one another that we will not see anyone and try to work on things for 6 months and see where we are at. (Currently, we're in month 4) She lives 7 hours away right now. BUT, I have concrete proof a week after she moved out, she slept with a man. Then joined a dating site and has been with 5 men since September. I'm on my way to divorcing her as we don't have kids and there have been many other problems, but since she always vehemently denied the emotional affair I wanted to see what others thought of that situation, the circumstances surrounding it, and the email exchanges that were sent from my wife to the OM. She was adamant that all she was was too flirty but it was not an emotional affair.


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> OK. Your wife thinks she didn't have an EA with her OM.
> 
> Then please ask her to describe her relationship and feelings for him.


She just described it as a friendship where he was going through difficulties in his marriage (he ended up divorcing) she was going through difficulties in our marriage and they bonded on that. Oh, and that she's "just a flirty person."


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

Fordsvt said:


> I almost moved out. You guys need MC here. Big time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We discussed this in therapy. Well, I went by myself and then my wife came for a session. Even in therapy she denied it was an emotional affair. The therapist, not wanting to engage my wife and make the situation volatile, told me this was an emotional affair and highly inappropriate. But because my wife has always doubted it and is very very good with persuasion and words, I've always questioned it and wanted to believe her. I know I was foolish to believe though.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

I read your other threads and your wife is either mentally ill or fundamentally damaged. You have not fixed her in 14 years and you will not fix her. I feel sorry for your wife, but I feel sorrier for you.

Very little of the advice here will help you deal with a person who has BPD.

Abandon ship. Save yourself. She is a lost cause.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> I read your other threads and your wife is either mentally ill or fundamentally damaged. You have not fixed her in 14 years and you will not fix her. I feel sorry for your wife, but I feel sorrier for you.
> 
> Very little of the advice here will help you deal with a person who has BPD.
> 
> Abandon ship. Save yourself. She is a lost cause.


Will is right sadly in my opinion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

NewYearNewMe said:


> Anchorwatch,
> The only other man I know of during the marriage is a man she made out with in Vegas in 2009. Lied about for several years (I saw a photo with him and her from her trip and questioned it) and then in 2012 she finally admitted to it.
> 
> However, we are currently doing a trial separation with the promise to one another that we will not see anyone and try to work on things for 6 months and see where we are at. (Currently, we're in month 4) She lives 7 hours away right now. BUT, I have concrete proof a week after she moved out, she slept with a man. Then joined a dating site and has been with 5 men since September. I'm on my way to divorcing her as we don't have kids and there have been many other problems, but since she always vehemently denied the emotional affair I wanted to see what others thought of that situation, the circumstances surrounding it, and the email exchanges that were sent from my wife to the OM. She was adamant that all she was was too flirty and got too close.


I'd count them too! I've read your other post here and on the other forum too.

You have noticed your STBXW is deceitful and a liar? Your wife has more problems than you ever be able to live with. She going to leave a path of emotional destruction behind her with everyone she gets close too. She uses the nonsense she's spouting to control her self image. It's far from anyone's reality, but she will vehemently defend it, to justify her actions. You can't help her. Thank God you got out this early.

:iagree: with what Will said too.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Just tell her you know about the men and you are moving on with someone else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

You know, between your other thread and now this new one, I gotta tell you this and no offense.

One gets what one deserves. You have a out of control woman who barely acts like a wife and more like a college kid on spring break.

She's just about broken every rule there is to have a marriage and you put up with it. 

No sympathy here friend. You have a choice. Either find your balls and unload the poor excuse of a woman or suffer. 

You should have put her ass out to pasture a long time ago and for some reason you refuse to pull the trigger. Make your mind up and ask yourself if you deserve better or is this the best you can do? Come on man, find yourself some happiness with the time you have left and enjoy life without that woman turning you inside out at every turn.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

tom67 said:


> Just tell her you know about the men and you are moving on with someone else.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I disagree with the part about being with another woman. There is no reason to poke the bear. You'll never get satisfaction or closure from a sick mind. Walk away. Quickly!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

NewYearNewMe said:


> She just described it as a friendship where he was going through difficulties in his marriage (he ended up divorcing) she was going through difficulties in our marriage and they bonded on that. Oh, and that she's "just a flirty person."


Bonded. = Emotional Affair.

That's what bonding is, right?


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

NewYearNewMe said:


> I posted about my wife's cheating on another thread but I wanted to talk about the emotional affair aspect specifically because my wife has always maintained that she never had any kind of emotional affair, only that she can be too flirty and that she said things that were "inappropriate" to this guy.
> 
> Back story: wife meets this married man at a work conference *one month* after her and I got engaged. (So 6 years ago) Other Man (OM) hits on my wife a few times fairly innocently during the day. They get drunk at the hotel bar that night. At 1am wife goes back to her room and as I'm talking to my wife on her cell from her hotel room, OM calls my wife's room and asks her to come back to his room to "work out." Wife says no thanks. I was upset my wife got drunk with this guy in the first place but she promised she wouldn't talk to him any more.
> 
> ...


I hope you sent those emails to yourself, printed them or otherwise recorded them to show her. Her denial that it was/is an EA (covering some three years as I figure it) is what is preposterous.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ya, this is EA and your old lady wants this guy so act fast and act now!

I suggest you find out who this guy is and if he is married or has a chick you contact her and inform her of the EA....just don't tell your old lady.

When the OM breaks it off with your wife to save his own relationship you can then deal with your old ladies crap....

Confronting your old lady now before exposing this affair to OMW will just get you brain phucked by all the bull crap your wife will throw at you.....Sh!t like "we're just friends" or " he means nothing" my favorite is "there's nothing going on"


And go get the book " Not Just Friends"


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Good that you are getting a divorce from her.

Do the 180, and try to stop thinking about her and her cheating ways.

Focus on yourself. And the next time you see her, give her a copy of the evidence, with a hotty on your arm.


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

6301,

I appreciate your candor, I do. I accept full responsibility for the failures on my part for not defending boundaries and for putting up with too much. 

Couple of points. 

If you did read my other posts you will understand that my wife does suffer from some mental health issues making the way of handling problems not exactly "normal." When this cheating was discovered I did do my best to address it while trying to maintain the relationship and work it out. Obviously, as evidenced by my presence here, things got even more dire and that's why I'm on the way to divorce. That is exceptionally hard also because of my Roman Catholic beliefs. 

I am working on myself to make sure I don't have this same stuff happen again in my next relationship. But again, I came to this site to understand and seek guidance. When the person you are married to twists your own way of thinking - as evidenced by her vehement denials to glaring evidence about an emotional affair - it causes one to lose their sense of normalcy. I am working on gaining that back.


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## Stronger-now (Oct 31, 2013)

From those snippets of her emails and texts to him, it is clear that she was at least having a one-sided EA with him: she chased, he was so-so. And I doubt that it was just an EA. He said "come back to his room to work out?" COME BACK? So she was there. And we don't usually work out in a hotel room, unless he was talking about other "work out" variety. 

A (harmlessly) flirtatious person is vivacious, full of life, funny, and flirtatious to EVERYONE, kids, women, men, hot ones, not-so-hot ones. They don't discriminate. They "flirt" in front of everyone, out in the open. Not sneaking off to a bathroom to send her picture (I bet because your wife thought he should see how beautiful she was all done up for the wedding?). Actually, I think it's no so much as "flirt", they are just naturally charming. They flirt with one's husband and makes him feel good about his receding hairline in front of his wife, and the wife thinks what a great person she is (not uncomfortable). Does this sound like your wife? 

Your wife is a person who was shopping around for better option, while engaged to you. Your wife is a person who continued to shop around for other men while DEMANDING to make a baby with you. 

You know it already, don't you? That's why you are divorcing her. Good for you. You know you deserve better. 



NewYearNewMe said:


> 6301,
> That is exceptionally hard also because of my Roman Catholic beliefs.
> 
> *Understandable. But your religion also forgives the sinners. And what, you don't get a do-over because you made a mistake and married the wrong person? God will understand.*
> ...


Oh, I have been through the same thing. But know this, it wasn't so much as she cleverly manipulated you. You (almost) bought her lies because you wanted to. You wanted to because you loved her. There is nothing "normal" or "logical" about love, why we love who we love. Most important thing is now you realize what an unhealthy influence her presence in your life is, and you are slowly moving on. Kudos.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> I disagree with the part about being with another woman. There is no reason to poke the bear. You'll never get satisfaction or closure from a sick mind. Walk away. Quickly!


:iagree:
I told him to meet her in a public place in his other thread and carry a var.
He should at least tell her he knows what she is doing and moving on.
And expose to close friends and relevant family jmo.


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

Stronger-now said:


> A (harmlessly) flirtatious person is vivacious, full of life, funny, and flirtatious to EVERYONE, kids, women, men, hot ones, not-so-hot ones. They don't discriminate. They "flirt" in front of everyone, out in the open. Not sneaking off to a bathroom to send her picture (I bet because your wife thought he should see how beautiful she was all done up for the wedding?). Actually, I think it's no so much as "flirt", they are just naturally charming. They flirt with one's husband and makes him feel good about his receding hairline in front of his wife, and the wife thinks what a great person she is (not uncomfortable). Does this sound like your wife?
> 
> *Actually no. I wouldn't describe her as a flirty person. She doesn't fit the description you just outlined as she doesn't do that to all people. Her flirting, was like you said, secretive and behind my back, and not harmless. I think maybe in her warped thinking she is. But I don't particularly think she's a flirty person. I think she was, like you said, seeing if there were other options all the while I played the role of loving/loyal spouse. And I was the one she married so it was my job to make the baby. *
> 
> ...


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Newyear we all make mistakes it sounds like you are learning from them in time you will rebound.


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

Thanks Tom! I'm trying. I think the biggest kicker is that she has decided to cheat in our trial separation period, despite promising not to see others. And it's multiple men. So... Yeah... The emotional affair was small in comparison.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

NewYearNewMe said:


> Thanks Tom! I'm trying. I think the biggest kicker is that she has decided to cheat in our trial separation period, despite promising not to see others. And it's multiple men. So... Yeah... The emotional affair was small in comparison.


What you do is WITH NO EMOTION tell her you know if you know their names let it out she tries to deny walk away.
Tell close friends and family where appropiate why.
Maybe someone can give her help. She fired you from that position.


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

Well said. She lives 7 hours away. So at least I won't have to be physically close lol. 

So the no emotion is key when confronting?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

NewYearNewMe said:


> Well said. She lives 7 hours away. So at least I won't have to be physically close lol.
> 
> So the no emotion is key when confronting?


Yes it shows you are steadfast in your decision and moving on.
I suggest serving her d papers at work and when she tries to swear, rant and so on just tell her "I am not okay where this conversation is heading"
I have to give Conrad credit for this.
No emotion = strength she can't suck you into her insanity and rage.
I have to do it to my daughter on occasion.


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

Thanks for the advice! That's good stuff!


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

This is why a separation can be so healthy at these times, because we get so caught up in the insanity of our spouses behavior...that we start to lose touch with reality ourselves...and I attribute it to being so shellshocked by everything and just wanting things to be safe...that sometimes just dropping it feels so much easier than to have to confront averything. When we get some space away, we can get so much more clearheaded about stuff and can start making healthy decision. It just hard to do that when we are on the crazy-carrousel.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Please if you have not read "married mans sex life primer"

And work out if you can it releases good chemicals in you body plus eh the ladies will notice.


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

Former self,

I've been on the crazy carousel for so long. You're right, I've lost touch with reality and my own boundaries, wants and needs. I've just been in "trying to keep the peace mode" for so long. I think trial separations reveal the true self. I chose to try and work on the marriage, my wife decided to pursue other men within a week and lie. Speaks for itself.


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

Tom, 
What is Married Man's Sex Primer about?

I have actually been working out but the holidays messed up my routine. I'm down 15 lbs since she moved out 4 months ago. I have more to go but I do feel better having lost weight.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

NewYearNewMe said:


> Former self,
> 
> I've been on the crazy carousel for so long. You're right, I've lost touch with reality and my own boundaries, wants and needs. I've just been in "trying to keep the peace mode" for so long. I think trial separations reveal the true self. I chose to try and work on the marriage, my wife decided to pursue other men within a week and lie. Speaks for itself.


This reeks of childhood sexual abuse.
Some screw everything on 2 legs.
Others don't want it at all, it is crazy and you can't save her it is truly sad.


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

Tom, you're so right. Have you read my other really long posts? I go into greater detail. 

I don't know what exactly is her issue but there's definitely a mental health issue. She has an extremely high sex drive. Which sounds fun until you have to deal with everything else.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

NewYearNewMe said:


> Tom, you're so right. Have you read my other really long posts? I go into greater detail.
> 
> I don't know what exactly is her issue but there's definitely a mental health issue. She has an extremely high sex drive. Which sounds fun until you have to deal with everything else.


Sorry if I forgot.
You have a good night. Get affairs in order then start the process this will not get better if she doesn't face her demons.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

6301 said:


> You know, between your other thread and now this new one, I gotta tell you this and no offense.
> 
> One gets what one deserves. You have a out of control woman who barely acts like a wife and more like a college kid on spring break.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

She banged another man, joined a dating website and you both promised not to see anyone.

Why is there any doubt here?

Divorce


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

No more mr nice guy may also be a good read for you. Why bother confronting? It's done. She's not worth the effort or grief of a confrontation. A text maybe - 'I'm done', then block her, and move on with your life.


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

SadandAngry said:


> No more mr nice guy may also be a good read for you. Why bother confronting? It's done. She's not worth the effort or grief of a confrontation. A text maybe - 'I'm done', then block her, and move on with your life.


I have learned about this book and will be reading it. I also joined the website of the same name. I know I've played a role in this huge debacle.


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

The stbxwife owes me $800 for paying for her car and a few other items. She said it'll be at least March 1st before she can pay me because she has "$250 to her name." She makes nearly six figures. Obviously, she lying. Grrrrrrr.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Do you have her stating she will repay in text/written form? Even stated in texts can be enough to formalize legality.


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

NewYearNewMe said:


> The stbxwife owes me $800 for paying for her car and a few other items. She said it'll be at least March 1st before she can pay me because she has "$250 to her name." She makes nearly six figures. Obviously, she lying. Grrrrrrr.



Well. Good luck collecting...your going to need it


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

NewYearNewMe said:


> Anchorwatch,
> The only other man I know of during the marriage is a man she made out with in Vegas in 2009. Lied about for several years (I saw a photo with him and her from her trip and questioned it) and then in 2012 she finally admitted to it.
> 
> However, we are currently doing a trial separation with the promise to one another that we will not see anyone and try to work on things for 6 months and see where we are at. (Currently, we're in month 4) She lives 7 hours away right now. BUT, I have concrete proof a week after she moved out, she slept with a man. Then joined a dating site and has been with 5 men since September. I'm on my way to divorcing her as we don't have kids and there have been many other problems, but since she always vehemently denied the emotional affair I wanted to see what others thought of that situation, the circumstances surrounding it, and the email exchanges that were sent from my wife to the OM. She was adamant that all she was was too flirty but it was not an emotional affair.


OMG. 

Ya, it was definitely an emotional affair, but at this point it's just one of so many affairs.

Hope you learn something from this mess.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

NewYearNewMe said:


> When wife and I were at a friends wedding in 2011, wife wrote to OM from bathroom: "I know I shouldn't say this, but I really wish you were here. You're so great. I hope you know that. Take care, you." And sent a photo of herself.
> 
> When wife and I were in Las Vegas, wife sent photo of herself and wrote to OM: "The Cirque du Soleil show was amazing. I cried. I cried because you'd love it and I wanted you there. You'd really love it. I wish you were here : ("


 When she is experiencing something with you, she tells the other man that she wishes that she was there with him instead of you. How much more disrespectful of you could she get. That is not just an emotional affair, but a very strong one. With her being able to live the fantasy with her affair partner since before you were married, your marriage never had a chance, since she was emotionally bonding with him right from the start instead of you. Your whole marraige was a lie. Better that you found out now while you are still young.


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

TRy said:


> When she is experiencing something with you, she tells the other man that she wishes that she was there with him instead of you. How much more disrespectful of you could she get. That is not just an emotional affair, but a very strong one. With her being able to live the fantasy with her affair partner since before you were married, your marriage never had a chance, since she was emotionally bonding with him right from the start instead of you. Your whole marraige was a lie. Better that you found out now while you are still young.


That's how I have felt. I really felt like my marriage was a lie. She was lying from the start about talking to him. Then lying about the content. Then lying about the nature of their interactions. I had a hard time emotionally connecting with her despite countless attempts on my part to do so. 

I'm just sitting here stunned coming to the realization that it all was just a lie. Or at the minimum, she also had feelings or quasi-feelings for another man during my whole marriage. Hardly ever did she say I was "so great" or "I wish you were here" like she said to OM. I literally was told I was great by everyone else around me but her. 

I'm really sad to have given so much of myself to someone. I gave so much every day.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

You cannot be mad at yourself for giving someone your heart. You believed in your marriage and tried to save it. That's a virtue. Don't spend too much time beating yourself up for believing in your wife and your vows. It is an honorable thing.

Sorry you are going through this.


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> You cannot be mad at yourself for giving someone your heart. You believed in your marriage and tried to save it. That's a virtue. Don't spend too much time beating yourself up for believing in your wife and your vows. It is an honorable thing.
> 
> Sorry you are going through this.


Thank you LostWifeCrushed. I know I always tried to do the honorable thing by fighting for the marriage. I'm just sad to think that for how much I did do for her, she was partly somewhere else emotionally. That's just incredibly hard. I felt like I was a very loving and devoted husband. She treated me very differently than that.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

NewYearNewMe said:


> I'm just sad to think that for how much I did do for her, she was partly somewhere else emotionally. That's just incredibly hard. I felt like I was a very loving and devoted husband. She treated me very differently than that.


 This in a nutshell is why emotional affairs ("EA") are so destructive to marriages. It takes effort to make a marriage work. A person in an EA does not make this effort, since they are putting that effort into someone else that they are suppose to have been putting into their marriage. In truth, you do not know what marraige is really like, since she has never been committed to begin part of it with you. One person cannot be a couple no matter how hard they try, it takes two people. Using a tennis analogy, you have been losing trying to play mixed doubles one person short, while your wife has been off playing singles with her affair partner since before you were even married.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

NewYearNewMe said:


> * They get drunk at the hotel bar that night. *
> 
> 
> *She lies initially about talking to him and I find out they do email*
> ...




Ummm.. 3 strikes and you're out ! 

Your wife has no concept of boundaries. And seeing that she seems to travel for work, its only a matter of time until she cheats (PA) on you, if she has not already.

Really want to live like this ?


No kids ?? Time to move on down the road.


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

Try, thats why I was suspicious for a long time. I could tell she wasn't putting in the work for the relationship. I knew her emotional connectedness was going somewhere else. It took me a while to wise up but what a fool I've been. And played like a fool too. A similar analogy to your tennis match one,mp my therapist said love is like a dance. And it takes two people to do it. No matter how hard you try one can't do it alone. 


Barbados, 
You are so right. She didn't respect these boundaries and chose to lie, manipulate and risk the marriage just to get what she wanted. She NEVER stopped communicating with this guy even after I confronted her about all I had found. Just no respect.


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

Be happy you didn't have kids with this gal. Move on to something better and someone who respects you.
Divorce-Bye Bye


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

Fordsvt said:


> Be happy you didn't have kids with this gal. Move on to something better and someone who respects you.
> Divorce-Bye Bye


I know. I had to listen to my gut. And my gut got it right. The most infuriating thing was that after I confronted her and said I would work through it with her, I had one condition and that was to stop emailing him. But she continued to do so. The content wasn't like before but nonetheless, she kept it up. 

I don't think she ever really respected me.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

NewYearNewMe said:


> I know. I had to listen to my gut. And my gut got it right. The most infuriating thing was that after I confronted her and said I would work through it with her, I had one condition and that was to stop emailing him. But she continued to do so. The content wasn't like before but nonetheless, she kept it up.
> 
> I don't think she ever really respected me.


She will when you serve her at work.


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

tom67 said:


> She will when you serve her at work.


I thought about doing this. And I know her reaction will be intense and crazy. But my fear of her reactions to things is partly to blame for this mess in the first place.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

NewYearNewMe said:


> I thought about doing this. And I know her reaction will be intense and crazy. But my fear of her reactions to things is partly to blame for this mess in the first place.


I'm glad you have come to the realization. Now you said she makes more than you right?
Heck she may end up paying you for a period of time, check with a lawyer but the point is show her you value yourself enough not to be disrespected like this.
You know the time is NOW!


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

tom67 said:


> I'm glad you have come to the realization. Now you said she makes more than you right?
> Heck she may end up paying you for a period of time, check with a lawyer but the point is show her you value yourself enough not to be disrespected like this.
> You know the time is NOW!


She does make more than me, yes. But is currently complaining to me about money. 

Yes, it took a while to come to the realization. I'm focusing on respecting myself more because I WILL NOT let this happen to me ever again.


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

Just wondering if you have an update.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

Divorce is final. And I started dating again.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Good for you. 

You'll do well now you've seen what can happen. 

Best


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

anchorwatch said:


> Good for you.
> 
> You'll do well now you've seen what can happen.
> 
> Best


Thank you so much.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> Other Man (OM) hits on my wife a few times fairly innocently during the day.


That's not possible. Nobody "innocently" hits on a married person.


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> That's not possible. Nobody "innocently" hits on a married person.


Very true MattMatt.


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