# Multi-dating vs. Mono-dating



## Deejo

So, you're single. You're out there. You're dating.

Are you dating only one person at a time, or are you dating as many as you can without mixing up names?

This discussion arose from a thread in the clubhouse about middle aged men being players, while the fact remains that the OP is actually dating more than one man.

Hilarity and deep conversation ensues ...

There seem to be distinct perspectives on this regarding, what information do you share when, the concept of exclusivity, and of course that dating means different things to different people.

I multi-date. Meaning that I am usually corresponding with, or actually seeing more than one woman at a time. The goal of which is to hopefully find someone that you are mutually compatible with and can settle into an exclusive relationship with.

I don't make a practice of having sex with multiple partners who I am 'dating'. Intimacy generally breeds exclusivity.

So, do you presume anyone you are dating is dating others? 

Or do you presume that if you have gone beyond a few dates, that you are exclusive?


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## SamuraiJack

I tend to follow Deejo's philosophy, but I have learned that its always a good idea to ask when in doubt.

I generally wont sleep with anyone before knowing that we are exclusive.
Simply too many risks these days.


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## meson

Ditto! When I was dating I would date whomever was interesting and friendly. Most of the time it was only one person at a time but there were times when there were multiples. Dating for me is a relationship with the intent to learn about someone to determine if we are compatible for a long term relationship. Besides having fun it is an audition and an interview. There can be many auditions going on around the same time. 

If the relationship advances to becoming close and intimate then it became exclusive for me.


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## arbitrator

Multi-dating strictly, only up until the point of mutual exclusivity and intimacy with one lady, and that one lady only!


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## Deejo

Posted in the other thread that I had a woman who was shocked and indignant, and had some colorful names for me when I informed her that I wouldn't be corresponding with her any longer because I was about to become exclusive with someone else I was already dating. 

For perspective, the woman that was p!ssed, I hadn't even gone on a date with yet. I sent her an email as a courtesy.

So much for courtesy.

I do find that lots of people just coming out of long term relationships or marriages and moving into the dating pool, are functioning off of a very firm bias, often due of course to feeling unsure or hurt.

I don't ever encourage anyone coming out of a dissolved LTR to jump right back into one with the first person they meet on a date or from a dating site.

Gotta get out there and squeeze some fruit, so to speak.


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## Jellybeans

Deejo said:


> I had a woman who was shocked and indignant, and had some colorful names for me when I informed her that I wouldn't be corresponding with her any longer because I was about to become exclusive with someone else I was already dating.
> 
> For perspective,* the woman that was p!ssed, I hadn't even gone on a date with yet. *


Nuts. :crazy:


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## SamuraiJack

Jellybeans said:


> Nuts. :crazy:


I'm thinking Cuckoo...


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## Married but Happy

I multi-dated when I had the option, and my process was essentially identical to Deejo's. 

I assumed that anyone I was dating might be seeing other people as well, and really didn't care. I did not assume we were exclusive unless we discussed it and mutually agreed we were. If it became sexual with one (but not necessarily exclusive), I'd certainly discuss that issue with anyone else I was seeing so they could choose what they wanted to do, if anything. 

From an ethical perspective, I believe in informed consent once a relationship reaches a certain point. A couple of times I ended up in more than one non-exclusive mutually agreeable sexual relationship. One of those actually lasted several years and became a polyamorous arrangement.


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## Ikaika

When I was single, I was a multi-dater. But, in my defense, I was not a player. Thus I was not someone who would deceptively play off any of these situation to ensure "she" was exclusive to me while I was not doing the same. My definition of a player. 

In essence I was commitment-phobic and anyone who dated me knew it, because I stated it as such. This is not to suggest I was some kind of stud, far from it. However, if I saw someone who I thought was attractive, I pursued her. If she rebuffed me, I never took it personal and moved on, "next". This attitude of independence and low value in personal commitments proved difficult in the early years of my marriage. As time rolled on, I have come to value commitments. So, coming up on 20 years of marriage, I'm committed with no regrets. Of course I'm old now. 

If, however, I found myself single again, I could easily see myself regressing back to old ways. I'm a bit of an odd ball, but it is possible that much of this was shaped by the one relationship that evaded me all my life, a good relationship with my own father. I think we are all shaped in this manner by things of our past. My opinion.


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## Jellybeans

SamuraiJack said:


> I'm thinking Cuckoo...


Haha


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## Jellybeans

Married but Happy said:


> A couple of times I ended up in more than one non-exclusive mutually agreeable sexual relationship. One of those actually lasted several years and became a polyamorous arrangement.


Interesting! It's like the perfect FWB arrangement for those who seek it.


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## Deejo

Ikaika said:


> When I was single, I was a multi-dater. But, in my defense, I was not a player. Thus I was not someone who would deceptively play off any of these situation to ensure "she" was exclusive to me while I was not doing the same. My definition of a player.
> 
> In essence I was commitment-phobic and anyone who dated me knew it, because I stated it as such. This is not to suggest I was some kind of stud, far from it. However, if I saw someone who I thought was attractive, I pursued her. If she rebuffed me, I never took it personal and moved on, "next". This attitude of independence and low value in personal commitments proved difficult in the early years of my marriage. As time rolled on, I have come to value commitments. So, coming up on 20 years of marriage, I'm committed with no regrets. Of course I'm old now.
> 
> If, however, I found myself single again, I could easily see myself regressing back to old ways. I'm a bit of an odd ball, but it is possible that much of this was shaped by the one relationship that evaded me all my life, a good relationship with my own father. I think we are all shaped in this manner by things of our past. My opinion.


I think this is the thing however, whether or not you are a 'player' isn't a moniker you give yourself, it's usually given to you by people who discover you see other people, and to some degree feel wronged. 

Lets also not forget that by virtue of the fact that people knowing that lots of other people like dating you or find you desirable, may in fact pique their interest.

We generally attach nefarious elements to someone designated as a player, but I don't think that always is the case.


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## Married but Happy

Jellybeans said:


> Interesting! It's like the perfect FWB arrangement for those who seek it.


15 years later, and she is still _our_ best friend, although now platonic.


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## Ikaika

Deejo said:


> I think this is the thing however, whether or not you are a 'player' isn't a moniker you give yourself, it's usually given to you by people who discover you see other people, and to some degree feel wronged.
> 
> 
> 
> *Lets also not forget that by virtue of the fact that people knowing that lots of other people like dating you or find you desirable, may in fact pique their interest.*
> 
> 
> 
> We generally attach nefarious elements to someone designated as a player, but I don't think that always is the case.



the bold part - I don't know that that was ever me, but at 54, pretty much guarantee that is not me any longer. I don't know if anyone I dated put that moniker on me, but oh well I was who I was. 

I was very different than what I often read about on TAM and did not get married till I was 34. I was having too much fun. I mean I should be a grandpa by now. Thankfully I'm not.


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## Deejo

Jellybeans said:


> Haha


I think Laina Morris, Overly Attached Girlfriend is adorable.


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## Ikaika

Deejo said:


> I think Laina Morris, Overly Attached Girlfriend is adorable.



She looks like a serial killer :rofl:


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## Jellybeans

Deejo said:


> I think Laina Morris, Overly Attached Girlfriend is adorable.


Go for it. Less crazy for the rest of the men on the planet.


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## SurpriseMyself

This is an enlightening thread. I never dated more than one person at a time, even if it's just a few dates. I once kissed a guy after going on just a handful of dates with my now H and I still feel guilty about that, like I cheated. We were by no means exclusive at the time, but still it felt wrong.


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## Ikaika

I read what others are writing and, I want to reiterate, I was not a player. I know Dejoo said only others can place on that moniker (as their perception). But, doesn't the last 20 years say something? 

Plus when I was younger, big wave surfing consumed more of my life and interests than did pursuing.... 

I'm a nice guy, or is that yet another TAM faux pas. I can't win.


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## FrenchFry

Oh hey, I found it.

Former multi-dater and while my reasoning is similar to most multidaters, I did so specifically because my picker is broken and I'm terrible at processing emotional responses without comparison.

I think we all find our own processes. Multi-dating is what worked for me to stop overly focusing on people that are absolutely wrong for me and narrow down who is right for me.


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## Deejo

Ikaika said:


> She looks like a serial killer :rofl:


Oh pishaw, she's fine ...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUlznF5We3U


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## Wolf1974

I have done both however I was always upfront before date one what I was looking for and always asked thier intentions before going out.

When I first divorced I was in a lot of pain from my x cheating. I was multi dating and sleeping with women. I never lied to anyone and always said I wasn't looking for a relationship just dating. After I figured out that wasn't making my pain go away I took time out and fixed myself then went back to the dating scene.

Now I was looking for a realtionship and stated so. I always asked them the same. If they said they weren't looking for a realtionship then I wished them well. If they were looking and we had a connection then I would ask them for a beer and see what developed. I dated one at a time until it either went exclusive or I figured out we weren't a good match and went back online. During those periods I would hide and unhindered my subscription on match maybe 8-10 times a month depending.

So it all depends on what your looking for. But I wouldn't date a serial dater when trying for a relationship and wouldn't date a mono dater if just dating to have fun.

But what I ALWAYS do is be honest and expect it back


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## mishu143

FrenchFry said:


> Oh hey, I found it.
> 
> Former multi-dater and while my reasoning is similar to most multidaters, I did so specifically because my picker is broken and I'm terrible at processing emotional responses without comparison.
> 
> I think we all find our own processes. Multi-dating is what worked for me to stop overly focusing on people that are absolutely wrong for me and narrow down who is right for me.


My picker is broken as well at the moment. I am a one guy at a time person, but I haven't had luck with ppl who are worth my time. When I think they are, they disappoint me. I don't think of it as multi-dating, but instead, just going out there and meeting new people. If someone sticks cool, if not then i move on. This is my new strategy for now at least. lol. My heart is too sensitive (no, not because of my divorce, but because I just have so much love to give_ I was told I am too nice. WTF?! How can one be too nice?)


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## mishu143

Wolf1974 said:


> I have done both however I was always upfront before date one what I was looking for and always asked thier intentions before going out.
> 
> When I first divorced I was in a lot of pain from my x cheating. I was multi dating and sleeping with women. I never lied to anyone and always said I wasn't looking for a relationship just dating. After I figured out that wasn't making my pain go away I took time out and fixed myself then went back to the dating scene.
> 
> Now I was looking for a realtionship and stated so. I always asked them the same. If they said they weren't looking for a realtionship then I wished them well. If they were looking and we had a connection then I would ask them for a beer and see what developed. I dated one at a time until it either went exclusive or I figured out we weren't a good match and went back online. During those periods I would hide and unhindered my subscription on match maybe 8-10 times a month depending.
> 
> So it all depends on what your looking for. But I wouldn't date a serial dater when trying for a relationship and wouldn't date a mono dater if just dating to have fun.
> 
> But what I ALWAYS do is be honest and expect it back


Love all your posts. So far, the stuff you have commented on my threads have been on point. And I agree. Honesty first and always. My second time around this dating game was more pleasant. But it ended up in the same place as the first -- nowhere!! At least this time the guy was honest and said so.


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## lenzi

Deejo said:


> Are you dating only one person at a time, or are you dating as many as you can without mixing up names?


When I'm single- and I haven't been in over 3 years and probably won't be again, any time soon- I multi date. On average I'll be dating 3-4 women at a time. And yes, it gets confusing. Not so much the names, but more a matter of where I went with who, and what conversation I had with which person and yes I've screwed this up many times and it always ends up leading into the discussion of, well, yes, in fact I do multi date until I find a woman I can settle down with. 



Deejo said:


> So, do you presume anyone you are dating is dating others?


I don't presume, or assume, anything. I really don't care because if she's interested in me and I'm interested in her then it's going to work out well for both of us. The horror stories I have heard from these women about all those loser crazy guys out there makes me realize I look better if they ARE dating other guys because they realize what a good catch I am. 



Deejo said:


> Or do you presume that if you have gone beyond a few dates, that you are exclusive?


If we've gone out more than 3-6x it's usually time to either pull the plug or have the exclusive talk. Any more than that is a waste of time.



Deejo said:


> Posted in the other thread that I had a woman who was shocked and indignant, and had some colorful names for me when I informed her that I wouldn't be corresponding with her any longer because I was about to become exclusive with someone else I was already dating.
> 
> For perspective, the woman that was p!ssed, I hadn't even gone on a date with yet.


Happened to me, a few years ago. Had the exclusive talk with a woman I ended up dating for about 10 months. We were on a 3rd date or so, since we signed off on being exclusive, I admitted I had a first date lined up that weekend, I texted the girl to cancel and got a barrage of texts back telling me how *#$$#'d I am, and how I didn't know what I was missing, and how she had been planning this date for a week.. it was rather amusing and yes I shared those texts with the girl I had just become exclusive with, made for an interesting evening.


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## FrenchFry

mishu143 said:


> (no, not because of my divorce, but because I just have so much love to give_ I was told I am too nice. WTF?! How can one be too nice?)


:rofl: I think that is a great thing to say to someone you don't want to date actually. It's a soft blow.

I wonder if that person thought that they would take advantage of you OR if you come off as too nice to accept someone who isn't so nice.


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## Ceegee

I don't know how you multidaters do it honestly. 

I've never dated more than one person at a time. That just seems like way too much work and I'm much too lazy. 

My picker (my intuition) is very good and I like the security of committed relationships. 

I find the concept very hard to understand.


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## Ynot

By no means am I ready for a serious relationship. But I am in the multi-dating camp. I have developed a "pipeline of opportunity" where I am dating one or two women while establishing communications with the next batch. If I see or hear something I do not like from a date. I next them and move onto their replacement. I really don't know what I want at this point, but I do know what I don't want. I have not gotten close to sexual relations with anybody yet, so I guess that is a bridge I will have to cross in due time.


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## FeministInPink

FrenchFry said:


> Oh hey, I found it.
> 
> Former multi-dater and while my reasoning is similar to most multidaters, I did so specifically because my picker is broken and I'm terrible at processing emotional responses without comparison.
> 
> I think we all find our own processes. *Multi-dating is what worked for me to stop overly focusing on people that are absolutely wrong for me and narrow down who is right for me.*


It seems to me that this is the point of multi-dating. I was never a multi-dater before my marriage, but after my divorce, I'm giving it a try.

A man I'm seeing right now, who is just getting back to dating (waiting for settlement/divorce to finalize) told me a a little while back that he wasn't ready for dating yet, and he didn't expect me to wait for him. I said, "We've only been talking online at this point, we haven't even gone on a date yet, and you think we're exclusive? That's not how it works." He later recanted his "not ready to date" statement, and we've gotten together, but there's no way I'm putting all my eggs in THAT basket, not yet.

Multi-dating also helps me from getting too prematurely attached to someone who may not be right for me.


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## Holland

Post divorce I stayed away from dating for 12 months then I went to town. At my age why not? I multi dated and I also had a FWB. When I met Mr H I was also dating 2 other guys and was very open and honest about it. We became exclusive within a few months although he was not dating anyone else. He stopped looking when we met, I also stopped looking but I was still dating the men I had already met.

I don't care what people do in regard to multi dating or who and how many they sleep with as long as they are adult enough to talk about it.


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## Deejo

I'm also a big believer that there are the rules and expectations surrounding dating and sex when young, prior to marriage, and then there are the rules and expectations of dating and sex, post-marriage. 

They aren't remotely the same.


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## Ceegee

Deejo said:


> I'm also a big believer that there are the rules and expectations surrounding dating and sex when young, prior to marriage, and then there are the rules and expectations of dating and sex, post-marriage.
> 
> They aren't remotely the same.


Couldn't agree more. 

I'm not looking for a woman to bare my children.

I'm looking for someone to just have fun and hang out with that doesn't want to spend all of my money.

Lowering my standards?

Of course not.

She has to be much hotter now.


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## mishu143

Deejo said:


> I'm also a big believer that there are the rules and expectations surrounding dating and sex when young, prior to marriage, and then there are the rules and expectations of dating and sex, post-marriage.
> 
> They aren't remotely the same.


:iagree:I agree with this opinion!! Rules are very different post divorce. We are at a different stage in our life than someone who has never been there before. Especially if your marriage ended with kids. 

I think we also have to respect each other as adults and communicate our feelings about what we want effectively. so if your a multi-dater just say so, and give the person the chance to make the choice to stay or go. And if you don't want anything serious, say it from the beginning etc...


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## Jellybeans

If it's early days in dating, I do assume they may be seeing other people. As time goes on, I may start to wonder so I would ask (if I care).

To me, until you have THE TALK about exclusivity, you aren't exclusive in the real-word meaning. 

With that said, I'm not much of a multi-dater. Reading all of the folks' posts on their reasons for doing it and and the whys, I can absolutely see the other side's point now. Makes sense.


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## Wolf1974

Deejo said:


> I'm also a big believer that there are the rules and expectations surrounding dating and sex when young, prior to marriage, and then there are the rules and expectations of dating and sex, post-marriage.
> 
> They aren't remotely the same.


Well this couldn't be a more true statement. Dating in my late 30's is nothing At all like dating in my 20's. Women abound. Most coming out of long term realtionships are up for everything. The ones who will admit to always wanting the fairly tale romance have had thier heart broken and much more willing to deal with the real world.

In my opinion dating in your 20's favors women. Dating late later in life favors men. Getting head around that was challenging lol


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## vellocet

I posted it in the other thread, but will again here.

I don't multidate, never have. I'm just different than everyone else here. I don't want to disrespect someone who is giving me the courtesy of their time, affections, and consideration.

I simply concentrate on one person at a time. I can tell pretty quickly when dating someone whether I want to continue or not. I don't need to juggle several women at one time to find "the one"(which is now besides the point now that I won't ever commit again)

Again, I'll post this story once more because this is the thread specifically for it. I dated a girl back in the day. We were into each other, dating for about a month. Went on lots of dates, spent time with each other, were intimate in that time, but didn't have "the talk"
I simply feel it was obvious we were working towards a relationship.

So one weekend, unannounced to me, she took off for the weekend. Turns out she went to spend the weekend with an old boyfriend.

So she gets back, I decided the relationship should end. She tells me that we weren't exclusive, haven't talked about it yet, blah blah blah. I told her that it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out we were working towards one.

She told me that although we were working towards a relationship that I can't be mad because we weren't officially exclusive, but reiterated that she wanted to be with me.

I told her I wasn't mad. Dissappointed, but wasn't mad. And That if she wanted a relationship with me, she just went about it the wrong way.


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## vellocet

mishu143 said:


> I think we also have to respect each other as adults and communicate our feelings about what we want effectively. so if your a multi-dater just say so, and give the person the chance to make the choice to stay or go.


Exactly. Spot on. Just like the girl that I dated in absence of "the talk". She obviously didn't want me knowing where she went, and I found out from a friend of hers.

If she did nothing wrong then she should have been able to tell me. But she was afraid she'd lose me. She was right.


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