# Don’t know what to think or do.



## Rtgarza (Jul 12, 2021)

My wife and I have been having problems lately. She tells me she loves me and want to be with me for the rest of her life. But she doesn’t view monogamy the same as I. She doesn’t have an issue with sleeping with another person. She says she would feel bad because it would hurt me but the physical act would not be a problem to her. How does one respond to this? I can’t deal with the thought of her being intimate with another and then she wanting to be intimate with me. That is cheating plain and simple. She wouldn’t have any regret except for any pain she would cause me. She tells me she wants to go and do things without feeling tied down and guilty but she still wants to be able to come home to me. She wants her cake and to eat it. Being able to go out and enjoy things with friends I can understand but this?? I told her I can’t deal with that and I won’t deal with that. If she want to be married to me like I want to be married to her then there is no room for infidelity. I had to deal with that in a previous marriage. I’d didn’t believe that’s what would potentially be happening again. She’s basically asking permission to have a random hook up now and the but yo always be able to come home to her husband. I could use some advice.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

There is no advice to give. You already know you need a divorce and she is probably already doing it .... you just don’t know it.

I’m constantly surprised...... each and every time..... that someone comes in here with such a situation and claims they don’t know what to do. It’s so obvious!!!!! Dump the garbage at the road with the rest of the trash !!


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

My guess is that she already is doing someone and is looking for permission so she doesn't lose her meal ticket


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Remember op it’s easier to ask forgiveness than permission. 
And I think this is exactly what she’s doing.


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

Has your wife actually asked for this, an open marriage?
How does she feel about you sleeping with other women? (Regardless of whether you want to or not)

I could ask more questions, like is she in a midlife crisis or perimenopause as these two situations can cause sudden changes in outlook.

Your wife is honest at least, and has let you know how she feels.

Her talking honestly doesn't always mean she has done this already or has someone lined up. Some people will discuss poly and open marriage like grown ups.

If you don't want this, you say so firmly.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If she loved you and wanted to spend the rest of her life with you then she wouldn't need to cheat. She wouldn't want to cheat.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

Numb26 said:


> My guess is that she already is doing someone and is looking for permission so she doesn't lose her meal ticket


Most likely.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Rtgarza said:


> I told her I can’t deal with that and I won’t deal with that.


Then, why haven't you already file for divorce? If what you say is true, how can you stand there taking the disrespect because it's clearly that she has not respect for you by telling you this in your face and you just making "bravado" comments. If my wife were to say these things to me that would be the last moment she would spend it as my wife. i would kick her out of my life immediately. 

You know that she is or is going to cheat on you sooner rather than later. do you? why do you think she's telling you this. DUDE be proactive.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

This is simple. Tell her stay monogamous with me or divorce. There is no compromise in a situation like this. I would also take it a step further and have her allow unfiltered access to everything on her phone and other communication devices. Of course the same applies to you. There should be zero secrets between a couple. If she has a problem with that you know she either is cheating or has already lined up her first hook up.

How long have you been married and do you have kids? Also, how did she respond when you told her you won't go for it?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

That’d be a hard no and a bye bye from me.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

You can’t waiver on this. It’s you’re either with me and only me or get divorced. You better talk to lawyer and get d papers done. It is very likely that she has already been with someone but wants to stop hiding it.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

BigDaddyNY said:


> This is simple. Tell her stay monogamous with me or divorce.


This approach is rather too late I think. She is already or she will cheat sooner rather than later. If he means what he says, then in all reality this marriage is over because she doesn't want to be monogamous, but she wants him to accept it (I'll be always coming back to you ********). Next you know she'll be asking him to take sloppy seconds.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> Remember op it’s easier to ask forgiveness than permission.
> And I think this is exactly what she’s doing.


But she is asking for permission.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You are going to have to be completely blunt with her and tell her that you would not stay with her if she decided to sleep with other men.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I agree if you don't want an open marriage then don't agree to one.

So how is your sex life? 
Most people talk about open marriages because they are lacking sex or sexual variety or want some strange. Do you know which it is for your wife?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Some people just aren't monogamously inclined, but still want a loving, stable, core relationship. That's her nature, but it's not what you want. Unless she is willing and able to commit only to you, or you're able to accept her ideas and adopt them yourself, you really have no choice but to split up. Remember, it's NOT cheating if you both agree to it! You can't change who you each are, and this isn't something where you can compromise: you're either in, or you're out.

My wife and I have been this way since we met, and while it has worked well for us, it doesn't work for the majority of people.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Divorce, now. She will go and hook up with someone else soon enough if she has not already. I am guessing she's been doing this behind your back and is now trickling in a bit of truth so she doesn't have to hide it anymore.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

SpinyNorman said:


> But she is asking for permission.


You really think so............?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

you have told her where you stand , you don't need any advice , if you were in any way open to her wish then it would be different but your against it so it is straight up
NO OR GET OUT 
you told her how you feel it is up to her to live by it or go her way if she thinks a one night stand is worth it


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## TurnedTurtle (May 15, 2019)

You've told her no. Now you have to decide whether you can trust her to respect your boundary, or whether you are willing to be the marriage police and keep a constant watch on her, or whether you are going to get all your ducks in a row, protect your assets, and show her you are serious....


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

SpinyNorman said:


> But she is asking for permission.


Nah.

She’s prepping him for the “forgiveness” conversation, which will sound a lot like, “Why is this such a big deal? We talked about this.”


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

SpinyNorman said:


> But she is asking for permission.





Andy1001 said:


> You really think so............?





GusPolinski said:


> Nah.
> 
> She’s prepping him for the “forgiveness” conversation, which will sound a lot like, “Why is this such a big deal? We talked about this.”


We know she has asked for permission. 

Some believe, but don't know, she is in line to ask forgiveness, which she is not doing, even though it is supposedly easier than what she is doing.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

The first thing you need to do is get to your Dr and get tested for STD. 

Then dump her because staying with her is only going to bring you pain.


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## Kyristynia71 (Sep 16, 2021)

Rtgarza said:


> My wife and I have been having problems lately. She tells me she loves me and want to be with me for the rest of her life. But she doesn’t view monogamy the same as I. She doesn’t have an issue with sleeping with another person. She says she would feel bad because it would hurt me but the physical act would not be a problem to her. How does one respond to this? I can’t deal with the thought of her being intimate with another and then she wanting to be intimate with me. That is cheating plain and simple. She wouldn’t have any regret except for any pain she would cause me. She tells me she wants to go and do things without feeling tied down and guilty but she still wants to be able to come home to me. She wants her cake and to eat it. Being able to go out and enjoy things with friends I can understand but this?? I told her I can’t deal with that and I won’t deal with that. If she want to be married to me like I want to be married to her then there is no room for infidelity. I had to deal with that in a previous marriage. I’d didn’t believe that’s what would potentially be happening again. She’s basically asking permission to have a random hook up now and the but yo always be able to come home to her husband. I could use some advice.


DIVORCE HER !!!!!!! end of the story !


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