# hi



## rmcpc1965 (Apr 4, 2019)

Since there seems to be no way to delete, Im just going to edit it all out then.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Welcome to the forum. Lots of really good people here. Go ahead and post your problem and I'm sure you'll gets lots of thoughts or advice.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

rmcpc1965 said:


> Hello I just joined today because I have some conflict going on in my marriage and I hope I can get some good advice. thanks :wink2:


What has been happening?


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## rmcpc1965 (Apr 4, 2019)

MovingForward said:


> What has been happening?


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

He is having an emotional affair (EA). He is mean, cruel to you. Do you want to spend the rest of your life fighting for someone who puts you way down the list of important things in his life? Seems like he is rubbing this in your face. Is she married?


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## rmcpc1965 (Apr 4, 2019)

x


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Why don't you just call her husband and ask him why his wife spends all her time talking to your husband?


For me personally: This situation would be a no go ..... full brakes ..... here is your suitcase and there is the door.


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## rmcpc1965 (Apr 4, 2019)

edited to remove post


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

look her up on facebook .... might be able to find some details ... enough to get in touch with him ....

Hell .... drive to their house and have a chat.....


As I said though ...... for me: It's no go at all. I wouldn't even bother. Suitcase...front door (and I have been married a long time)

You will be chasing off her when your husband is the problem.


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## rmcpc1965 (Apr 4, 2019)

removing posts


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

maybe there is no husband?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

sunsetmist said:


> He is having an emotional affair (EA). He is mean, cruel to you. Do you want to spend the rest of your life fighting for someone who puts you way down the list of important things in his life? Seems like he is rubbing this in your face. Is she married?


It's been going on for *3 years*. It's WAY past being an emotional affair. If these two have had the opportunity to spend time together - which they clearly have - then it's physical. To believe anything else would be extremely naive.

Secondly, these two fools don't talk at night or on the weekends possibly because her husband (or significant other) is home at night and on the weekends, and would probably boot her lying ass right out the door if he knew what she was up to, so that's why they don't talk at night or on the weekends. But golly gee, they're just *friends,* right? So why does she have to hide this _oh so innocent_ 'friendship' from her husband/significant other? Why, it's a mystery for the ages. 

Third, your husband is a nasty, emotionally abusive, gas-lighting, manipulative, sneaky, deceitful, lying snake and you've been continually rolling over for him for the last 3 years, furiously doing the "pick me!" dance. Stop degrading and humiliating yourself begging this jerk to 'pick you' and love you when he's done *nothing* but treat you like an option in his life for the last 3 years, constantly threatening that he'll leave when you get angry and speak your mind. Why on earth you didn't jump all OVER that opportunity and drop kick his cheating ass out the front door is beyond me.

All you're doing for this selfish POS is running a bed and breakfast for him and letting him have everything he needs at home while he romances another woman. Let me tell you, if this woman left her husband (or whomever she's supposedly with) and got her own place, I'm willing to bet Prince Charming would likely make plans to leave you to be with her. He probably hasn't left because she's not available to him and most men won't leave their wives without someone waiting for them in the wings. He has no desire to live on his own and have to do everything for himself - that's what YOU'RE for and why he stays home. Plus, he doesn't want to lose half his assets, etc. etc. So for his own SELFISH reasons, he stays with you - where it benefits HIM. And treats you like something he dragged in off the sidewalk on the bottom of his shoe.

And sadly, you let him. 

Why are you clinging like grim death to someone whose CLEARLY shown you for 3 years running how little he cares about your feelings? Why, rmcpc1965? Ask yourself that question.

The level of complete and utter DISRESPECT he's heaped on you - and which you've *allowed* every single day - is astronomical. Unfortunately, you've made every mistake in the book, putting up with this unacceptable treatment for 3 years and constantly begging him to stop talking to her. You've allowed your fear of losing this 'prize' of a man to turn you into a passive push-over who continually disrespects herself by allowing this **** show in her life day after day after day. And now, you're considering making yet another mistake - trying to appeal to HER to 'leave him alone,' as though he's some teenage kid being led astray by a bad lady and needs his mommy to protect him from her.

*She's* not your problem, rmcpc1965. Your lying, disrespectful HUSBAND is your problem. And until you start showing yourself the *respect *you deserve and rid yourself of this toxic abuser, you're going to continue to be miserable day after day while he disrespects you in order to romance his girlfriend. I'd be SO done with this jerk.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> It's been going on for *3 years*. It's WAY past being an emotional affair. If these two have had the opportunity to spend time together - which they clearly have - then it's physical. To believe anything else would be extremely naive.
> 
> Secondly, these two fools don't talk at night or on the weekends possibly because her husband (or significant other) is home at night and on the weekends, and would probably boot her lying ass right out the door if he knew what she was up to, so that's why they don't talk at night or on the weekends. But golly gee, they're just *friends,* right? So why does she have to hide this _oh so innocent_ 'friendship' from her husband/significant other? Why, it's a mystery for the ages.
> 
> ...



I can tell you quit smoking......


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

...double post


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Hi. Just moved this to Coping With Infidelity for you.

You'll receive the help and advice you need.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

For all you know, your husband could also be her husband. No digital footprint is suspicious--alias, illegal activity, adultery, bigamy--not likely, but who knows? For all you know, she went on training seminar three years ago and they had been together long before that.

I realize 31 years is a long time, but surely his actions of the last years are not those of the man you loved. You deserve more. Even if he were not in an affair, he is cheating by giving his time, interest, affection to someone more important outside of your marriage.

Hire a PI. He will have more respect for you if you stand up for yourself. Surely, your respect for him is gone and he is now just a bad habit.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I'm sorry @rmcpc1965 but if they were physically working together, after 3 years it has most likely been a PA. I'd guess that she's probably married, which is why he only talks to her during working hours.

Your best bet to smash this affair is to expose to the OBS (other betrayed spouse) To do that you will need to go James Bond to get both the evidence and the OBS contact info.

I don't know if it's in you but I found that BWs (betrayed wives) who go into complete explosive beotch mode get the best results. At least if you have a WH who deep down still loves you. The cocky attitude he's displaying is coming from a false sense of confidence a wayward gets when they have a new person on the side. 

The potential of losing his wife can jolt a man out of the fog but it has to be real. A shock and awe confrontation, that includes exposing to family, parents, friends, and most importantly the OBS is what's going to be needed in your case.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

To find out information, get a PI and have them do the work -- they should be able to get it fairly quickly/cheaply (you have HER phone number, yes?). They could also investigate when they ARE together.

Your husband is given you the typical cheater speak--- YOU are controlling, YOU are the one at fault, YOU are the one being insane/jealous. Re-writing and gaslighting. He has threatened to leave -- good. Tell him to get out. FIRST get to a lawyer, know your rights/finances/custody/etc.. Then drop the bomb on him. YOU should be his best friend, NOT another woman. If he won't choose YOU over her, you already know your answer.

Very sorry you are going through this.


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## Shortdrive (Dec 7, 2018)

Could be OW young child needs to be DNA tested. It could explain a lot.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Mr.Married said:


> I can tell you quit smoking......


Naahh, Being "REAL" is S.O.P. for @She'sStillGotIt . No coddling or rainbow skittle covered bull**** lines from her.
If she quit smoking there'd be flames and lightning bolts coming out of your monitor and you'd probably be in an ambulance.


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## rmcpc1965 (Apr 4, 2019)

removing posts


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

How much time is he spending on the phone with her per day? week? month?

Is it voice only? Texting? Both? If they are texting, have you been able to check his phone to see the texts?

How old is your husband and how old is the other woman?


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

We've had plenty of stories from people who thought they had solid marriages but later found out their spouse was doing crazy things for a long time like having an affair, into drugs, into same-sex relationships, had other children, and so on. His behavior is so odd, I'm not sure how confident you can be about anything in your relationship. It's hard to see how you fix his attitude based on what he's doing and how he's acting. 

If you found out he was gambling 1-3 hours a day for years, how realistic do you think it would be to get him to stop? Just in terms of being a habit, spending hundreds of hours at it per year would mean it would be tough to break. Then add in whatever sort of psychological aspect that goes along with it, and it gets so much harder. 

If you want to find out what is going on, hide some Voice Activated Recorders in the room where he talks and in his car. Then you can hear what he is saying. But a caveat is that it is illegal to secretly record conversation that you are not part of, so take that advice as you deem appropriate.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Hell man...I've known at least 2 acquaintances where the dad or husband had an entire 2nd family that only got found out about when he died. The OW and 2nd set of kids came out of the woodwork then. Interesting funerals to say the least.


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## Lillotta83 (May 16, 2018)

I would sit him down and explain how it makes you feel. You should be your husbands best friend not another woman. I've been married for 36 years, we are going through counciling, you both need boundaries. Affairs don't start in the bedroom, they start with innocent conversation. No man or woman should be talking to someone else that long and that often. If he can't respects your feelings then he's already mentally left you. It definitely needs to be addressed and stopped. If he loves you he will do whatever it takes to make you feel secure. I hope you are right and nothing has happened between them. I wish you the best luck


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

" He feels like Im acting like his mother by demanding he stop talking to her, he says I would not be freaking out over this if she was a guy. I know alot of men who react with an angry attitude that way when their wived back them into a corner. but on the other hand I will settle for nothing less than him severing all ties with her. I need to make that clear to him but I don't want it to sound like silly ultimatums. Maybe my best bet would be to get myself into counseling so that my own self esteem and self worth does not end up getting destroyed over this."

You should tell him that you are not trying to be a mother or control him, but that this is something that has passed YOUR boundaries and that he should worry about YOU and not this "best friend". He can do what he wants, and YOU can react the way you want. his action have repercussions, and you should make that clear to him. 
Ask him how HE would feel if you were doing this with a man. He WILL say no big deal, but you know for a fact he would be pissed and hurt.

I've been married for almost 31 years and I would NEVER pull this crap on my wife -- I very strongly guard my marriage and wouldn't do anything like this. I wouldn't have let the relationship get this far to begin with.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Simply put, if it is hurting you, it needs to stop. 

I would say, “Babe, I love you very much, and I cherish our marriage. As I’ve mentioned, I am not comfortable with your relationship with Mary. Since my other attempts to discuss this with you have failed, I am making this _*final attempt*_. Your relationship with this woman, has put our marriage at risk. You may not view it that way, but there are two of us in this marriage and _*I view it that way*_. At this point, I need you to immediately cut all ties with Mary. 

Somewhere, things went very wrong and she became your best friend, but that is my job, and I want it back. You and I need to refocus on each other, so we are back in that role for one another. We can’t work on our marriage if there are three people in it. So take a day, and decide if our 30 year marriage deserves your attention or if Mary does. I’m not willing to share you with her at all any longer. Personally, I want to work on our marriage, and I hope you will too. I’ll leave the decision to you. I’ll check back with you tomorrow to hear what your choice is and we will proceed accordingly.”


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

rmcpc1965 said:


> All these years we have been together we have had a rock solid relationship, Im not being naive, We have had our issues in the past no marriage goes this long without them. That is the only reason I am hesitant to overreact. Men can and do have women friends, I understand that and not everyone is a potential sex partner. I too have had male friends through the years and would have never dreamed of sleeping with them and he never made an issue about me having male friends. It became an issue of concern with me when she left the company and they continued to be on the phone so much obviously to the point of being excessive. I really am so confused, do you just throw away 31 years of love and marriage so easy? Whats funny is I could almost forgive it if he was just screwing her with no feelings involved but how do you spend all this time talking to each other if there are no feelings, right? If he did have a PR with her when she was working with him I cant prove, but I do know that now with his schedule and her not even being in the same town there is no way they are hooking up at this time.


I get the very distinct impression you've been overly passive and keep trying to sugarcoat things in order to be able to continue staying with him, no matter how deeply he disrespects you or degrades you on a daily basis. 

And *because* you want to hold onto him at all costs, you've chosen to continue doing the "pick me!" dance, dancing as fast and furiously as you can, hoping he finally decides to 'pick' you.

Sadly, being 'chosen' by someone who has no problem disrespecting his wife on a daily basis the way he's done is hardly considered a 'win.' He's already shown you - *painfully and clearly* - how much more keeping her in his life means to him than _your_ feelings. You can sugarcoat it all you want like you did in the quoted post above about how he should be allowed to have female friends and how you've had male friends and it was all innocent so he should be able to have female friends and that doesn't mean he wants to have sex with her and blah blah blah. I mean, come on. Do you honestly believe he's not sexually attracted to her and/or hasn't been physical with her? 

The one thing you can't sugarcoat is that he's *unwilling* to cut ties with her because he's too emotionally attached to her. And whenever you _have_ approached him about this situation, he's had no problem screaming right in your face and telling you he'll do whatever he wants and if you don't like it, he'll leave you, or he uses the standard cheater tool of deflecting and bringing up every wrong thing you've ever done since the day you were born. 

So while you're willing to continue making excuses for his inexcusable behavior, he has no problem telling you how little those 31 years *really* mean to him because he'll choose her over you every single time if you force his hand. That's who you're dancing so damned hard to keep - someone who has let you know you're nothing more than an OPTION to him at this point of his life.

Lastly, you need to spend a few hours reading infidelity boards. SO many betrayed wives thought for sure their husbands couldn't *possibly* be having an affair due to his oh-so-busy schedule and the fact that Miss Thang didn't live close by and/or didn't work there anymore. Plus, their husbands always got home at the same time every night, so he couldn't _possibly_ have been having an affair! 

*Wrong.*

Not surprisingly, these women all came to find out that their husbands had just been fooling around during business hours. They were taking extended lunch hours, occasionally leaving work a couple hours early for a 'doctor's appt.' or some other excuse, coming to work late in the morning due to a 'flat tire' or some other story, and for a lot of these cheaters, calling in sick for the whole day - but leaving home in the morning at the right time and coming back home in the evening at the right time. And these betrayed wives were NONE the wiser. If you do most of your talking during the day with him on his cell phone (and not his desk phone) and you're not in the habit of following him to work every morning and sitting outside his office watching him work all day then following him back home at quitting time, then you DON'T know what he's doing every minute he's not home during the day.

I'm sorry, but you *don't*.



> Im not being naive...


I'm sorry, but yes, you are being naive. Very, *very* naive.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Spicy said:


> Simply put, if it is hurting you, it needs to stop.
> 
> I would say, “Babe, I love you very much, and I cherish our marriage. As I’ve mentioned, I am not comfortable with your relationship with Mary. Since my other attempts to discuss this with you have failed, I am making this _*final attempt*_. Your relationship with this woman, has put our marriage at risk. You may not view it that way, but there are two of us in this marriage and _*I view it that way*_. At this point, I need you to immediately cut all ties with Mary.
> 
> Somewhere, things went very wrong and she became your best friend, but that is my job, and I want it back. You and I need to refocus on each other, so we are back in that role for one another. We can’t work on our marriage if there are three people in it. So take a day, and decide if our 30 year marriage deserves your attention or if Mary does. I’m not willing to share you with her at all any longer. Personally, I want to work on our marriage, and I hope you will too. I’ll leave the decision to you. I’ll check back with you tomorrow to hear what your choice is and we will proceed accordingly.”


Wow, you're very sweet. Even if she does manage to get him to claim that he'll cut contact with her, he won't. It'll just be lip service, like most cheaters give their BS to appease them. He'll just take it deeper underground and stop calling her every weeknight and rubbing it in the OP's face, is all. He ain't about to let 3 years of so-called '_friendship_' with his lady love just fizzle out simply because his wife "mommy" told him he has to. 

He'll either stop the evening calls in front of the OP (but continue being in contact and likely still seeing her as well during the day) or he'll suddenly find a weeknight 'hobby' - like an astronomy club or bird-watching - so he can be away from home during the weeknights just so he can call her. And if the OP insists he keep his phone at home to prove to her that he's *not* calling his OW and that he's REALLY with his nerd bird-watching group in the park looking for the elusive speckled finch, he'll do that - and just buy himself a burner phone and use _that_ one, instead.

But he's not going to cut contact with his OW just because she asks him nicely. He's already told her loud and clear he'll leave her first before losing his 'best friend.'


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

He’s cheating. That’s a full on affair. Period.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It's so hard to wrap your mind around a life without him, BUT he has ruined your marriage in the last three years. He is giving the attention of a husband to an OW instead of to his wife, and he is daring you to live with it.

I've read about many cases like yours: long marriages, the H finds a new interest, but won't cut the cord with his wife. He stays in the marriage, blatantly engaging with the new woman, *torturing* his W. He won't leave after all these years. The W won't leave after all these years. They just live in their own combat zone until one of them goes senile or dies.

Don't be that wife. Why should you be?

Tell him that he has ruined your marriage with his uncompassionate, unloving, infliction of pain. Jealousy has nothing to do with it. 

He has ruined it. Now he has to fix it or get out. There is life out there for you without this pain. You just have to take the first step. Tell him you won't do it anymore and go see a lawyer. See if he steps up to fix the damage he's done.


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## rmcpc1965 (Apr 4, 2019)

removing posts


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Good for you kicking him out. Stick to your guns. It's a shame that is what it took for you to boot his ass, but in the long run, you will be far happier for it and be able to live the life you deserve.

p.s. I liked your above post for your *mindset*, not your situation.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

He doesn't understand an EA--emotional affair is cheating. YOU MUST BE FIRM THAT IT IS. He has stolen time, affection, friendship, caring, relationship, intimacy etc, from you and given them to her. He may be a father figure to her, but it doesn't matter. 

Physical evidence is his attacking you. Continue to be strong. He may regret angering his maid and housekeeper--a cushy place for him. DO NOT let him manipulate you. His trying to control by intimidation is heinous. Act quickly while you feel strong!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He'll be back. He doesn't want a divorce so expect him to say he didn't mean it. He'll try to convince you to stay in the marriage. Many do. Hopefully, you won't.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

rmcpc1965 said:


> I ask him and he swears that he has no intimate feelings for her and he is not cheating with her and that she is just his best friend.
> 
> I am haveing a very very hard time dealing with this. There was once a time when he was on the phone with me all the time before we got married and back then he told everyone I was his best friend. We are fighting non stop over this he says I am being a selish controlling jealous *****, … he has done nothing to work through this no offered to make any compromises, he just yells and gets accusatory towards me. He says if I dont stop this then he will leave, he screams at me that I have no right to tell him who he can and cannot talk to …


You've not only lost best friend status, you've been replaced. Rather than expend any more energy arguing, I'd highly suggest you contact an attorney ASAP.

And, for what it's worth, I find it mind-boggling that you would tolerate being spoken to with such blatant disrespect. I would have dumped this douche like radioactive waste years ago.

P.S. - I was typing this when you updated us on his physical violence. I'm VERY glad you are done. And, like I already said, get to an attorney ASAP.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I agree that he'll be back. Let's say, for the sake of argument, that he hasn't had a physical affair with her. What he has done is:

- Had a three-year emotional affair.
- Emotionally, verbally, and physically abused his wife
- Held you in contempt

Men like this, in long-term marriages, treat anybody they meet in the world with more respect than they do their wives.

Stand your ground and do your best to detach. (If you don't know the 180 for detachment, let us know. We will post a link for you.)

Yes, he'll be back. The best thing you can do for yourself is not to accept any half-measures on his part. He will stay in touch with OW and now he has been violent with you. Please stand your ground. 

Also, if you have adult children, tell them about the domestic violence.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Did you report him? What a worthless piece of crap!


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Call the police, they are obligated to respond.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

sunsetmist said:


> He doesn't understand an EA--emotional affair is cheating. YOU MUST BE FIRM THAT IT IS.


He knows *exactly* what he's been doing and he also knows it was a lot more than an emotional affair. He's just playing dumb and clueless like he's some innocent schmuck who only saw it as a 'friendship' and who doesn't know any better so how could anyone fault him if he truly doesn't understand? Pffft. Lots of cheaters put on this act because it makes them appear less deceitful and more 'confused.'

OP, I'm sorry you dealt with this troglodyte acting like a savage, but he's simply shown you - yet AGAIN - *exactly who he truly is*. Except this time, the wonderful difference here is that you finally chose to BELIEVE him.


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## rmcpc1965 (Apr 4, 2019)

removing posts


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

rmcpc1965 said:


> Thank you all so much for letting me vent, i think this issue is over. We got into out again last night, in all the years we have been together he never raised a hand to me, until last night. He got violent, I'm done... He is out! Ironically he still is adimate that he is not now or ever have had an affair with her or anyone. Said he never broke our vowe and never ever cheated. Too ba d, too late, I won't accept violence, that's it I'm finished. I deserve better than this hell!


Please don't tell me that you are going to forgive him. Violence increases each time. Don't think he has had a 'wake-up' call. He is possibly afraid of arrest, but no, you are already minimizing. 

Remember for three years, if not more, he has replaced you. Do not let him manipulate you. The man you used to care for has gone. I hope you mean you are finished!! You DO DESERVE BETTER. And he doesn't have any respect for or deserve you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

rmcpc1965 said:


> Thank you all so much for letting me vent, i think this issue is over. We got into out again last night, in all the years we have been together he never raised a hand to me, until last night. He got violent, I'm done... He is out! Ironically he still is adimate that he is not now or ever have had an affair with her or anyone. Said he never broke our vowe and never ever cheated. Too ba d, too late, I won't accept violence, that's it I'm finished. I deserve better than this hell!


The fact that he always reacts so strongly when the subject comes up shows that there is a lot going on. Its sad that you have accepted this for so long, and that it took him being violent for you to end it, but its good that you have. 
A wife should always be her husbands only female best friend. What he was doing was appalling. I would have shown him the door when he threatened to leave over it.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

So ... welcome.

I'm going to take few steps back here. 

My suggestion is that you think about the outcome you want ... presuming a worst case scenario. 

The knee-jerk reaction, as you have seen, is that most people here presume your husband has likely had a physical sexual relationship with this woman. I can certainly tell you there is plenty of evidence, and historical context to back that belief up.

Me? I'm not so sure. I'm presuming your husband is mid fifties, and you indicated this woman is married and has a young child?
Some more details would be helpful.

Personally, I smell an orbiter. But need more information.

The fact this relationship appears to revolve primarily around phone calls has my curiosity.


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## rmcpc1965 (Apr 4, 2019)

removing posts


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

rmcpc1965 said:


> No I am absolutely NOT minimising, this is a very serious situation, Im not a damn idiot, I am going to take the high ground and be the grown up in this situation, however I am NOT going to tolerate what has happened a line was crossed and he cant go back now that bridge is burned


Could you clarify what you mean? Are you going to seek a divorce? Are you going to tell him to live somewhere else? Are you going to give him an ultimatum? 

What do you plan to tell him, and how will you respond to his getting physical?


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## rmcpc1965 (Apr 4, 2019)

removing posts


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## rmcpc1965 (Apr 4, 2019)

removing posts


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

rmcpc1965 said:


> I need to make a plan to move forward with MY life no matter what happens with him, I will no longer accept living like this.


And part of that is to see a lawyer to find out what your legal rights are IF you decide later that you want to leave. There is nothing that says you have to do anything if you see a lawyer. Just go for a consultation, see what s/he has to say so you can operate from a position of knowledge and having that information.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I think therapy is a good start. However, do you have any idea(s) what you will do if he comes around? Has he attempted any texts/calls yet?

The reason to see a lawyer is simply common sense. You need to ascertain your financial status and living situation in case of a legal separation or divorce. People don't run to family law attorneys just to get a divorce. Frequently, they go to start the ball rolling so questions about finances, debts, and child custody are answered. Nothing more.

I don't think your resistance to seeing an attorney is particularly wise or smart. But, as I frequently say: Your life. Your choice.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

One thing I'd like to add. When your husband physically assaulted you, why didn't you call the police? Why aren't you considering a restraining order?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

rmcpc1965 said:


> yes my husband just turned 50, the OW is in her early 30s with a young child. The relationship has revolved around phone conversations, For most of our marriage we have owned a business worked together and spend 24/7 together until 4 years ago. Things changed, I quit working to care for a family member and he chose to change careers. From all the snooping and digging and talking to people that he works with etc, that I have done, I have on good record that he and she never went anywhere alone together. Even trainings were never done together they do not work in the same department and his training had nothing to do with her job position. I don't care that people want to think I am naive, I AM NOT. we have 31 years together and were literally together ALL the time. I do not think he is physically involved but I DO think its an emotional affair and an ego trip for him. In all the years we have been together he has NEVER raised a hand on me until now and until now hardly ever raised his voice to me. We raised 2 children and he has been an outstanding father and husband. THIS WHOLE EXPERIENCE HAS BEEN TOTALLY NOT HIS CHARACTER. I don't understand why so many posters are being so harsh and I am beginning to feel that posting this here was a big mistake. Needless to say he crossed a line with me by physically restraining me and pushing me, I don't know if I can get past that so as for right now I wont be with him for my own safety, however I WILL NOT say I am throwing him away forever, if he want to reconcile, 1) she has to go no more contact at all 2) we go to extensive marriage counseling and 3) he goes to therapy to work on whatever issues he has going on. UNLESS HE DOES THAT THERE IS NO RECONCILIATION.
> 
> IM SORRY I DO NOT HATE THIS MAN. BUT I REALISE SOMETHING IS SERIOUSLY WRONG. I don't understand why posters here seem like they wont be happy unless I kick his ass to the curb and agree to hate his guts. just wow.
> 
> I also need to add that he got overlooked for a big promotion recently and I think he is having alot of issues now too, I know its not justification but take it for what is worth I guess.


Hey rmcpc, I really appreciate your response. Your posting here wasn't a mistake. Do keep in mind why most folks are here. It's because in situations not terribly different from what you describe, they have been lied to, gas-lighted, and betrayed in ways that would make your head spin. So ... most people tend to lead with their own experience as a guide in providing feedback to others. Very often, that feedback is right on the money.

Me? I'm an oddball. I just don't get a cheating vibe here. Is what he is doing a betrayal of trust and recklessly inappropriate? Absolutely. 

The additional information you have provided further cements my belief. In 3 years, I daresay your gut would be telling you if it were more. The behavior you describe absolutely takes place in the early stages of an affair. But not for 3 years. If this were as nefarious as some circumstances we have seen here, your husband would have a burner phone. You wouldn't know that they spoke at all.

So, this is something else.

My advice, is rather than go running for an attorney, or delivering ultimatums is to find out what emotional needs he is having met by this relationship. Once you have a sense of what it really is, an emotional affair, a physical affair, or a middle aged man just happy to have the attention of a woman 20 years his junior; you can make a decision about what outcome you want, and what serves YOUR needs.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yesterday you said you were "finished". That's probably why you've gotten many of the responses you have (mine included).


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## rmcpc1965 (Apr 4, 2019)

removing posts


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

rmcpc1965 said:


> yes my husband just turned 50, the OW is in her early 30s with a young child. The relationship has revolved around phone conversations, For most of our marriage we have owned a business worked together and spend 24/7 together until 4 years ago. Things changed, I quit working to care for a family member and he chose to change careers. From all the snooping and digging and talking to people that he works with etc, that I have done, I have on good record that he and she never went anywhere alone together. Even trainings were never done together they do not work in the same department and his training had nothing to do with her job position. I don't care that people want to think I am naive, I AM NOT. we have 31 years together and were literally together ALL the time. I do not think he is physically involved but I DO think its an emotional affair and an ego trip for him. In all the years we have been together he has NEVER raised a hand on me until now and until now hardly ever raised his voice to me. We raised 2 children and he has been an outstanding father and husband. THIS WHOLE EXPERIENCE HAS BEEN TOTALLY NOT HIS CHARACTER. I don't understand why so many posters are being so harsh and I am beginning to feel that posting this here was a big mistake. Needless to say he crossed a line with me by physically restraining me and pushing me, I don't know if I can get past that so as for right now I wont be with him for my own safety, however I WILL NOT say I am throwing him away forever, if he want to reconcile, 1) she has to go no more contact at all 2) we go to extensive marriage counseling and 3) he goes to therapy to work on whatever issues he has going on. UNLESS HE DOES THAT THERE IS NO RECONCILIATION.
> 
> IM SORRY I DO NOT HATE THIS MAN. BUT I REALISE SOMETHING IS SERIOUSLY WRONG. I don't understand why posters here seem like they wont be happy unless I kick his ass to the curb and agree to hate his guts. just wow.
> 
> I also need to add that he got overlooked for a big promotion recently and I think he is having alot of issues now too, I know its not justification but take it for what is worth I guess.



Sorry for what you are going through, but if you want to be an ostrich and take out your frustrations on posters here, go ahead, we understand completely, been there done that. 

However, things are definitely not right in your marriage. Your H has no right to take out his frustrations on you and it is very obvious to everyone here he is doing all he can to ensure you do not interfere with his little love connection, note his loyalty is to her not you. 
That should be a big big red flag. Taking decisive action now and being prepared to lose this marriage to save it, is the answer, not making threats (which you don't follow through on) or cajoling him back into the marriage, none of that will work. MC will not work, unless he is very clear as to what he is about to lose.
The only thing that will work, is going scorched earth, a tried and trusted method. However, in spite of the experience of long time posters on here, you appear to know better.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

rmcpc1965 said:


> Week at this point i can't say that i am not finished, the whole thing has my head spinning i feel like I'm in an emotional roller coaster. Right now all I know for sure is my heart is aching, i feel hurt confused angry frightened my whole life has been turned upside down. 😢


Thats totally understandable. 
I cant see why you need counselling rather than him, unless its it find out why you have put up with this for 3 years. Why you let yourself be second place to the OW for all this time. Had you given him an ultimatum back then, this would have been sorted our ages ago one way or another.

His violent reaction(which you say isn't normal for him) shows that this relationship with her, whether physical or emotional or both, is clearly VERY important to him, and you bringing it up is NOT something he wants because he does NOT want to give her up under any circumstances. 

I totally appreciate that the thought of ending a long marriage(which I had to do) is scary and unsettling, but sometimes we have to set clear boundaries and be prepared to risk loosing the marriage to get our spouse to do the right thing. I would have given him an ultimatum years ago, her or me. Than he can make that choice and you will know where things stand.

However the fact that he grabbed you by the neck and threw you down is very very troubling. He has done it once and he can do it again. 

You can never be sure that they never met outside work. No one at their workplace would have know if they left separately. IF you do want him back, you could suggest a lie detector test just to see what his reaction is, but I do feel he isn't going to give her up without a big fight, if at all, and that just goes to show how attached to her he is.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I completely understand how you have gotten to this point. After so many years together, it can take you a while to realize that things aren't right, that as scary as it is to think about being on your own, it's better than being so blatantly disrespected. 

In light of his now physical reaction to you asking him to end this other relationship, I think it's pretty plain to see that she is now more important to him than you. So you have to decide if that's how you want to live the rest of your life, with someone who doesn't put you first who doesn't value you as a husband should. Add in the physical violence and I would hope you'd know you're worth much more than that. I've never met you, but I've also never met anyone I would say is worth so little she should put up with that. 

I can tell you from experience that over time, it becomes soul crushing to be standing right next to your spouse and still be alone. It took me a long time to realize I was worth more than that so I get it. And it's very hard to think about being alone, breaking up my family, etc but I no longer feel like my soul is dying. 

I wish you the best. *hugs*


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

rmcpc1965 said:


> Thanks for the concern but there was no need to call police, he grabbed me by my neck and pushed me down, I think he even freaked himself out by what he had done lol left after that and it did not accelerate any further nor will i allow myself to be in any situation for him to have that opportunity again, i can assure you that.


Sorry this happened. Glad you are being proactive to get put of this situation.

But you MUST file a report! 

I wish I had filed reports when my ex physically abused me but I was too scared too.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Has he contacted you?


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## rmcpc1965 (Apr 4, 2019)

removing posts


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I hope you can take the time apart to settle on a plan for what you will agree to going forward.

In my opinion, he has treated you with contempt for a number of years and whether you live with that is up to you. If you decide that you won't live that way, then he has to work to repair the damage - the first step is to go 'no contact' with this OW.

Ask yourself how you see your life five years from now. Do you still want to be with him if he won't give her up?


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

rmcpc1965 said:


> , 1) she has to go no more contact at all 2) we go to extensive marriage counseling and 3) he goes to therapy to work on whatever issues he has going on. UNLESS HE DOES THAT THERE IS NO RECONCILIATION.


Keep in mind that truly terminating the EA will not be simple. What typically happens is that cheater finds other ways to contact and there are often many false recoveries. Don't assume that it will simply stop and that's it.

One thing you might want to consider before taking him back is to create a post-nuptial agreement which spells out the divorce consequences if he contacts her again. You can state that he must never initiate contact with her. If she contacts him, he must not respond and immediately tell you about it. He cannot delete any messages from her in facebook, email, text, etc. He cannot have any other similar relationships with other women unless you agree. And so on. If he breaks those rules, then the post-nuptial agreement can spell out very unfavorable terms for a divorce. This can help give him some extra incentive to avoid these EAs and clearly lets him know the consequences if he gets involved again. And if he truly is going to never contact her again, none of the consequences should matter anyway.


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## rmcpc1965 (Apr 4, 2019)

removing posts


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Cheaters can be very good at deception. 

Just a word of caution. If you R, and I think you probably will, don't ever again trust him 100%. That's just asking for trouble.


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## Jus260 (Mar 24, 2016)

I don't read all of the sub-forums on this board but there seems to be an increase of posts around this forum that include domestic violence and the victim is not leaving. I know they say that's common but there seem to more posts like this all of a sudden. That usually gets harsh criticism on this board.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

@rmcpc1965

Just checking in...how are you doing??


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## rmcpc1965 (Apr 4, 2019)

removing posts


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

This whole situation would be a big fat effing NOPE for me. Done. Over. 

**Edited response after reading further.....


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

rmcpc1965 said:


> Hi, thanks for asking, I'm living one day at a time, we talked a few times but nothing is resolved at this point. So I'm living day to day,caring for my father and living my life best as i can.


Is he still living elsewhere? Some time alone might help you realize that you can survive without him. I hope things get resolved the way you want soon. *hugs*


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## rmcpc1965 (Apr 4, 2019)

removing posts


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

@rmcpc1965 I certainly understand all that, believe me. I'm dissolving my marriage in small increments as well, both for my kids sake and my own and for my husband's as well.

I want to mention one thing about divorcing as a Catholic. My mother divorced my father and it was not a problem for the church. The problem would only have been if she wanted to remarry. She would need an annulment for that. But she was never separated from the church because of the divorce. In the eyes of the church she was still married. She never remarried or even dated after the divorce but if she had wanted to, she would have proceeded with an annulment, which she did have grounds for but never felt the need to do. She remained a faithful Catholic, attended Mass weekly and had a full funeral mass upon her death. So please, don't let that stop you if you decide you do want a divorce. Speak to your priest about it at the very least and find out what it would mean at your particular parish.


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## BigbadBootyDaddy (Jun 18, 2018)

Mid life crisis is a cop out. If it really existed then most men, between 45-60 would be in jail for DV or with a blonde bimbo under their arm. 
This is an important question you need to ask yourself; Are you codependent?


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## rmcpc1965 (Apr 4, 2019)

No I'm not co dependent

Can someone please tell me how to delete my posts and close my account???


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

rmcpc1965 said:


> No I'm not co dependent
> 
> Can someone please tell me how to delete my posts and close my account???


Are you afraid of him?


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## rmcpc1965 (Apr 4, 2019)

personofinterest said:


> Are you afraid of him?


No Im not afraid of him or anyone, I just feel like too many replies come across as judgemental, I feel like I made a mistake putting this situation out there, Im not co dependent or stupid or crazy, Heck Im not even scared of being alone, Ive never felt more calm and a peace in my entire life with the decisions that I am making thus far. No matter what happens I plan to be happy with myself and my life. So if I cant delete this then I will just say thank you to those who were helpful and see ya later all.


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