# AM I Totaly Out Of My Mind?



## frozensprouts (Aug 1, 2009)

Hi
My dad and friends say I should just divorce him. My mom and one friend say I should stick with it and try and work things out. I don't know what to do anymore, and I am feeling sick, worn out, emotionally drained and just plain tired from dealing with this.
During the first week of July, I complained to my husband about the amount of time he was spending using Facebook chat to talk to a girl he works with ( he is in the army, and he is her supervisor where they work). He told me he would stop, but wanted to take her out for coffee so that he could explain to her why he couldn't "chat " with her anymore online. I didn't like it, but he did it anyway. A few days later, we were eating supper, and he put his fork down, looked at me and said ' I can't do this anymore", and he left. he came back a few hours later and told me that he had been talking to a friend who told him that all marriages go through times like this, and he should wait it out. The next day, two of our kids ( we have three, two of whom are autistic, the oldest one, who is 11, also has fibromyalgia) went to the local water park with friends, and we took our son shopping. we had a nice day, and we came home and things seemed okay, not great, but okay. The next day, he got an email from that girl asking him to come over because she had a "problem", and he asked if I would mind if he went. I said yes, but he went anyway. five hours later, he came home and I was furious. That's when he told me that he didn't feel the same way about me anymore, that while we had a lot of fun when we were together, things weren't the "same", and that I was too controlling. Then he said he wanted a separation, and he left. He had to come home the next day to work on an online course he was taking, but left at five. This pattern went on for a few days, and he finally told me that he was staying at that girl's house sleeping on her couch. A few days later, he left his facebook open, and I found a letter from him to her about how much he "loved her", etc. I freaked, and he told me that they had only gotten involved romantically a few days after he told me he wanted a separation, and that he had feelings for her. My dad called right at that time, and I was so upset that i told him what happened- he got angry and called the base social worker who he knew I'd been to see for advice about what to do, and her voice mail indicated that if it was an emergency, that the caller should call the base padre. My dad called back to say that if I didn't report what was going on to the base padre ( what my husband was doing is inappropriate conduct and abuse of authority- in the Canadian army he could be demoted, lose his job, be fined or even go to jail) , he would. He gave me an hour to figure out what I was going to do, so I talked to my husband and told him that he had to stop seeing her, and he could stay and try and work on things or leave. He chose to stay. i told him that if he didn't stop seeing her, i would report him, and he said he would stop. He sent her an email( I didn't get to see it) telling her that they had to stop seeing each other, but she kept sending him facebook emails, chats, etc. Things kind of stabilized, and I made an appointment with a marriage counselor. we saw her, but he didn't like her. On the way home , he told me that he wanted to do a formal separation agreement and move out- and yet, he still stayed in the room he had made up for himself in the basement. A few days later, I was out walking with my kids, ( he had gone out, as he does most evenings) and we walked by a house, which turned out to be hers, and he was in her driveway talking to her and some other guy. The kids saw him, and went running up to him calling "daddy"! It was horrible! I asked him if this meant that things were definitely over, and he said yes, but he asked if he could walk home with me and talk. I called him some rude names, he got angry and said that "even though we aren't together, you won't let me have any"friends" ( friends, sure, I just bet that's what she is) . He asked if he could come by the next day to talk, and I said in the afternoon, and to bring some coffee. He did, and we talked a lot, he told me that I was too controlling, never did what he wanted to, that there was never enough money, and a whole bunch of other things that seemed to be merely ways of justifying what he was doing.He did agree to try a different counselor, and then left for the night. The next morning, he came back really early ( we had to take our oldest daughter to a city in the neighboring province for a medical appointment at the children's hospital), and he told me that he wanted to move back into the basement, but still wanted a separation agreement, as he is due to be deployed in early November for seven months, and says things won't be fixed by then. We drove our kids to the appointment, and he had the music blasting the whole time, which made talking impossible. When we got home, he made some remark about how " I guess the only way we don't fight is if we don't talk", and that he was going out again for the night. He told me that since we aren't "together", I have no right to know where he is, even though he took our vehicle and left no number in case of emergency.
The next day when he got home, he asked if we could talk ( I didn't want to, as it was really hot, and I had just gotten back from waling three miles there and back with our three kids and our neighbor's daughter to the store to get our daughter's new prescription filled and some groceries- he was ticked, as he said when he got back no one was home, and there was no note, and he had told us he could take us to the store- I'm sorry, but it was supposed to get really hot that day and I just wanted to be out of the house) . All of a sudden, he wants to have a cellphone so I could reach him if there was an "emergency" ( but he won't leave a number where he can be reached if there is an emergency- that would be "controlling" him), and a bunch of other crap. He then went on to tell me that most married people don't tell their spouses where they are going if they are going out for a few hours ( apparently, he took exception to having to give me the phone number of the poker buddies house that he would go to to play cards sometimes when he was going to be out for about six or seven hours). I was so ticked that I called my mom and dad's to gripe to them- my mom told me not to get drawn into any arguments with him, but just nod and say " I see" when he talks- that will throw him, as he really is just looking to argue. I called a friend for coffee, and we made plans to go out the next evening, and I asked him if he could stay at home to watch the kids ( which he hasn't done in a long time) . he said that was fine, and at about midnight, he told me that it was too hot and he was going out for a walk- he came back the next morning at eleven ( I can just guess where he walked to) .
this all brings me to tonight, when I was really looking forward to going out for coffee with my friend to somewhere with air conditioning ( it been 33 degrees Celsius the past few days- hot, hot, HOT!- I took the kids to the local pool this afternoon, so they could cool off and have some fun) , and at supper ( he still eats supper with us, which I cook- he does nothing to help out around the house- he is almost always either out or in the basement on facebook or the internet) he asked me if I was still going out, because he had been invited to a get together with people from the platoon he used to work with and he wanted to go. I was so angry! My friend called, and we went out, after hearing all about how he thought that we could work something out where we could both go out ( I could go and get a coffee, bring it home and sit in the house with my friend to drink it so he could go out- it almost 40degrees Celsius in the house and not much cooler outside, and I'd have the kids climbing all over me- I just wanted a few hours out with a friend, which I do maybe three or four times a month, if that- he's been going out every night lately). I kind of caved, and came home after an hour, and he went out to the get together-it's after one in the morning now, and he's still out) .
Am I crazy or what? this is so unlike him. he spends very little time with our kids, goes out almost every night, and does nothing at all to help out. The only thing that I can see that he has done to try and work on things is agree to go to this new counselor, but nothing else. Is it just me, or has he turned into an irresponsible ass? Even so, I still love the guy ( right now, I don't know why) and would be willing to work on things. he seems to be considering this some kind of "second teenage hood"- he's 37, and we have been married for 13 years.
I've got half a mind to report him to the base padre and let things settle where they may, but i can't bring myself to do it.
Am I nuts?
( sorry this was so long, and so many mistakes in grammar, spelling, etc.- but i just had to get it all out-I thank any and all responses)


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## Bianca86 (Aug 17, 2009)

Am so sorry to hear about this.


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## Bianca86 (Aug 17, 2009)

Take sometime go out and have fun. Not to be rude but I don't think there is nothing left between you two. Am so sorry ur going thru all this


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## optimistvik (Aug 4, 2009)

You are really in suffer but i would like to suggest you that if you are interested in divorce him than divorce him & if you don't want than you should give one more try. Don't be so rude but try to sort out things in very calm & cool manner see communication can sort so many problems in one go.
See its my perception i could be wrong also but yes i am sorry if i hurt you .


- Bobblehead | Custom Bobblehead


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## jane. (Jul 10, 2009)

We teach people how to treat us. It's a very hard lesson to learn.

By letting him get away with murder, you're teaching him that he can treat you like cr*p and get away with it...repeatedly. You tell him you don't like something, and he does it anyway. And then he comes home to a nice dinner you made him.

I hope one day you can summon up enough strength to tell him that he needs to stop seeing this other woman and work on your marriage. Or that you can summon up enough strength to tell him it's time to divorce.

Until then, you're letting him have his cake and eat it, too.


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## kel (Aug 17, 2009)

I agree with Jane.

I also wanted to add that it sounds like *he* is the controlling one. He talks when he wants to and has made all of the plans as to when and how things are going to go. He shows up when he wants and leaves when he wants.

He is trying to place this blame all on you so that he will feel justified in his affair with this woman. You know deep down he has been having an affair with her. I bet he argues with you and then tells her his tale of woe.

He is disgusting. You should do whatever you need to in order to get out of this. As Jane said, he wants to have his cake and eat it too but he wants none of the responsibility for his actions.


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## optimistvik (Aug 4, 2009)

Common now get out from all this rubbish he is not for you . You are a good & nice & he is just misusing you he loves you when he wants he can never be a honest person for anyone .

Ideal Gifts for all Ocassion: BobbleHead


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## crazynluv (Oct 8, 2009)

I just joined the site, but I wanted to post. My husband is also in the military. It hasn't gotten to the point where he disrespects me like that. He also loves the internet. I voice my opinion, yet it doesn't change anything. I think that we as woman, especially loving women, give men too much control. We allow them to dictate how we feel and what we are willing to put up with. I've always heard that "people treat you the way you allow them to." I've made the mistake of accepting whatever it is that my husband does and it's not getting any better. Its only getting worse. You are not going to turn him in because you love him and deep down you don't want to see anything bad happen to him. I am the same way. I have allowed my husband to run over me for years and I've stayed loyal. At this point, I believe that the worst feeling in the world is to be in love with someone, and their actions and concerns reflect that they only care for themselves. Hopefully things will work out with you and your husband. I just wanted to let you know that you are definitly not the only woman in this situation.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Wow, you and I seem to have a few things in common. We have two boys together, my oldest is autistic and my hubby is also military. We are in the US, but here if he is having an affair, that is adultery and punishable under UCMJ and sleeping with someone who works for you is also punishable under that as well. But I know if it came down to it, I would struggle with the decision, not for his sake, but for my own. If he gets demoted, all it does it take away money, know what I mean?? Less to live on and makes everyone's belt a little tighter.

Normally I would never say this, but what's good for the goose is good for the gander. I am not saying go out and find a lover, I am saying that if he doesn't feel the need to tell you where he is or what he is doing, then neither should you. Come up with an arrangement and stick to it. He takes the kids every other weekend or something, and go have some fun of your own, even if it is going out and having coffee. You don't owe him ANY explanations. If you want to work this out, I will say that you should try to get a male counselor, because if he is like my hubby, a woman will always be on my "side" even though I know it isn't true, he believes it. 

Best of luck dear and I hope all is going well.


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