# Trust Issues



## CaseyKay (Aug 6, 2017)

Hi, I am new here and this is my first post. 

I am going to start with a little bit of background: My husband and I have been married for a little over a year. Together for four. We are both 22 years old and have been together since high school. We are young and I knew young marriages are sometimes the toughest marriages so that is why I am seeking advice for my issue. 

Here is the problem: I truly believe my husband is a pathological liar. Most of his lies are not series lies; they are stupid, little white lies and very unnecessary lies but I have had issues with it in the past and for almost our whole relationship. We have been able to overcome the lies for the most part and he does not tell as many as he used to(as far as I know). But because of the lies in the past, there is a lot of trust issues on my part. And now that we are married, whenever I do catch him in a lie, it just frustrates me ever more because there really is no reason for most of them. Even though most of them are small lies, some of them can be extremely hurtful.

Recently we went out to dinner with a few friends of ours and one of the couples had just had a beautiful baby girl a month before. When they had been in the hospital right after having her, I had told my husband that we should stop by and see them. He said he would give his friend, the father of the baby, a call. He said he called but never received a call back and I just figured they were just busy with family and with the new baby and that we would see her eventually. Well, I came to find out from the couple while we were at dinner that my husband had visited them while they were in the hospital and he had't told me. In fact, he had told me that he couldn't get a hold of his friend and that he hadn't seen the baby. So he had lied to me. The hurtful part of this is that there was no real reason for telling this lie at all and it was completely unnecessary! I confronted him after dinner about this and he told me, he really didn't have an explanation for why he lied. This hurts even more. I have had self-esteem issues in the past and he knows this. I felt left out and I felt hurt that he had lied to be about something so stupid. 

I am also a new registered nurse in training for my first job right now so I am very stressed out at this time and he knows this, which makes it even more hurtful when he does things like this. I am at the point where I feel like I don't deserve this and I am tired of it. I deserve more respect. I have been a good wife and I have done a lot for us. I don't know what do any more. I am at my limit. We have numerous discussions about the lying in the past and I have heard him many times and he tells me all the time he is going to "change," but it never happens. Some of these lies truly hurt me and I feel like if he loved me and didn't like to see me hurt, he wouldn't tell them.

I do think the lying might stem from his childhood; his sister has lied to me before about certain things as well. They both also have characteristics of pathological liars: telling stories that don't quite seem right or that seem a little far fetched. His mother is very controlling so that doesn't help either and his dad's side of the family is full of uncles that have lied and stolen things from their own family.

I don't know if I am being over dramatic about this and I should just move on or if we need to go see a counselor or something about this issue. Because I have been dealing with this for so long, I am just done with it. I don't want a divorce as I love my husband but something needs to change and I don't know how I get him to see this. As I said, none of the lies are big and some of them are very stupid. I don't think he would ever lie and cheat on me. But there is a concern with the fact that he so comfortable doing it that they could turn into bigger lies in the future.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

CaseyKay said:


> Hi, I am new here and this is my first post.
> 
> I am going to start with a little bit of background: My husband and I have been married for a little over a year. Together for four. We are both 22 years old and have been together since high school. We are young and I knew young marriages are sometimes the toughest marriages so that is why I am seeking advice for my issue.
> 
> ...



it could well be his childhood to avoid getting into trouble be sparse with the truth or just lie, easier that way. If he had gone to see the friend without you, maybe then thought you would be angry so better avoid unpleasantness, easier to lie, it has become a way of life.

You have talked to him but now it is time to sit him down and tell him of the impact it is having on you. If he does not take action, such as therapy then it would be unwise of you to have kids or trust him about anything which will not go well for your marriage in the long run. Discuss all of this with your H.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yeah, he grew up lying to get out of trouble. It's who he is now. 

IIWY, I would say "I can't stay married unless you start going to therapy to get the lying out of your life. I'll go with you and support you. But if you won't get help, I can't stay."


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## CaseyKay (Aug 6, 2017)

I definitely do believe his childhood had a huge impact on why he feels the need to lie to me. I do think most of the time the stupid little lies he tells is because he is scared of getting into trouble. I know a lot of other men do that as well. However, the difference in case in which I discussed him going to see our friends at the hospital without me and then lying about it, is that I had wanted to go and see them too. I was the one that had even told him that he should go and visit them in the hospital one day on his way home from work and that I would love to come too. He told he was never able to get a hold of him and I believed he hadn't gone to see them. He didn't say anything about it to me. It was something he would never have gotten into trouble about which is why it was so confusing and hurtful; it just didn't make sense as to why he would lie to me about something so stupid. The lying just comes so easy for him and that scares me. It just makes it so hard to believe anything that ever comes out of his mouth. 

I think we will just try counseling and if that doesn't work, I really don't know what else I am going to do. I agree that having trust issues in a marriage is not a good place to bring children into.


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## CaseyKay (Aug 6, 2017)

turnera said:


> Yeah, he grew up lying to get out of trouble. It's who he is now.
> 
> IIWY, I would say "I can't stay married unless you start going to therapy to get the lying out of your life. I'll go with you and support you. But if you won't get help, I can't stay."


This is great advice. I will definitely sit him down and tell him this.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He lied about seeing the baby BECAUSE he knew you wanted to see the baby and he figured you'd be mad that he went without you.

There's an amazing book that talks about this, if you're interested. It's called Emotional Alchemy. It describes how we 'wire' good responses, responses that work (as a child) to get the result you want. The wiring in our brain is like roads. Do this, get that result. It's a dirt road, but it works so you remember it. Next time, do this again, it's a blacktop road, and you'll choose it next time over a dirt road cos the ride is easier. Next time, it's a two lane road. Then a four lane road. Then a highway. Each time you use that 'way' of fixing things, it becomes easier to do it without even thinking, and that 'way' becomes your go-to for everything. And you aren't even aware of it. Anyway, the book is great for understanding this and fixing it. I'd read it WITH him, and talk about it. He needs to see you on his team, wanting to fix it so you can stay with him.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Lying uncontrollably is a sign of low self esteem,trying to control a situation that you see as detrimental to yourself,seeking admiration from family,friend and colleagues.It is also a way of hiding failure.Pick whichever one fits and try to work on that.
It can be exhausting living with someone like this,you literally can't believe anything they tell you.


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## CaseyKay (Aug 6, 2017)

turnera said:


> He lied about seeing the baby BECAUSE he knew you wanted to see the baby and he figured you'd be mad that he went without you.
> 
> There's an amazing book that talks about this, if you're interested. It's called Emotional Alchemy. It describes how we 'wire' good responses, responses that work (as a child) to get the result you want. The wiring in our brain is like roads. Do this, get that result. It's a dirt road, but it works so you remember it. Next time, do this again, it's a blacktop road, and you'll choose it next time over a dirt road cos the ride is easier. Next time, it's a two lane road. Then a four lane road. Then a highway. Each time you use that 'way' of fixing things, it becomes easier to do it without even thinking, and that 'way' becomes your go-to for everything. And you aren't even aware of it. Anyway, the book is great for understanding this and fixing it. I'd read it WITH him, and talk about it. He needs to see you on his team, wanting to fix it so you can stay with him.


I do know that men do tend to lie when they have done something that they know they will get in trouble for. I will check about the book and take your advice to read it with him. However, again, even though I told I would like to see the baby too, I did tell him that he should stop by one day after work and see them just to congratulate them and see her. I did not imply that I had to be there, just that I would love to see her too but if wanted to stop but he could. So, again, it would have been something he would not have gotten in trouble for. But, I could see that maybe it was something he _thoughthe could get in trouble for and thought I would be mad. I just don't want him to think that lying has to be his go-to all the time. I've told him this before when he has lied and that the lying only makes me madder if he does it because he thinks I will be mad about something in the first place._


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

CaseyKay said:


> I truly believe my husband is a pathological liar.


Casey, you're describing the symptoms for _compulsive_ lying, not _pathological_ lying. When lying rises to the level of being pathological, it generally is considered to be a symptom for sociopathy. Sociopaths have little regard or respect for the rights and feelings of others. Although they often are charming and charismatic, they use their talented social skills in manipulative and self-centered ways. That is NOT the behavior you're describing here.

Rather, as @Turnera observed, you're describing a pattern of behavior that was reinforced hundreds of times in childhood and, thus, became so ingrained in his ego defenses that it occurs almost like an automatic response. This behavior is called "compulsive lying" because the lying occurs out of habit. Lying has become the normal and reflexive way of responding to questions. This is why compulsive liars typically will bend the truth about everything, large and small. For a compulsive liar, telling the truth is very awkward and uncomfortable. In contrast, the lying "feels right." Compulsive lying is believed to develop in early childhood, as you surmised. It seems to be due to being placed in a hostile childhood environment where lying was necessary. 



> I don't know if I am being over dramatic about this and I should just move on or if we need to go see a counselor or something about this issue.


Whereas pathological lying (sociopathy) is generally regarded as untreatable, compulsive lying can be treated in a program (e.g., CBT and DBT) that teaches one how to be more self aware and how to better regulate emotions and one's response to emotions. Of course, such treatment takes time and only works if the client is determined to learn how to manage this problem. Such treatment usually is provided in most major cities by psychologists or other therapists having the necessary training. 

It is not provided, however, by marriage counselors. They are trained to teach communication skills. If your H is a compulsive liar, improving his communication skills is unlikely to help. Instead, he needs to acquire the emotional and cognitive skills that will enable him to break free of this reflexive behavior. I therefore suggest that he start by seeing a good psychologist. For more information about compulsive lying, I suggest you take a look at the Truth about Deception website. Take care, Casey.


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