# Dissing the AP



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

There's a new game in town! And everybody can play, WS's and BS's alike. It's called," badmouthing the AP" and seems like a lot of fun. There are a lot of interesting aspects to it and apparently can be very rewarding. Now I don't know much about the woman's side of it, where it's the H who's the cheater and the AP is an OW, but I've lived the men's portion and so will only talk about that. If you Betrayed Ladies have anything to add , feel free. 
For the WW, by dissing your former lover, you are showing loyalty (belated) to your Hubby, and easing your guilt at the same time. A win-win situation, if I've ever seen it. Does anybody remember the old Flip Wilson skits? "The Devil made me do it!!" If the guilt and remorse gets too bad, you can always use it as a "get out of jail free", card. "Honey, it was that smooth-talking,_fill in the blanks_________ OM, who seduced me from you and gave me the attention I craved. . So lets badmouth him together and that will show I've learned my lesson, and am really the unspoiled, good wife I always was. And besides, the sex wasn't nearly as good as it is with you."
For the Bh, it's a chance to regain your manhood, and show what a tough guy you really are. " I would love to beat that SOB's ass, for showing me up, like he did." What I would like ALL of you BH's to remember is that whatever YOU think of the OM, and whatever your WW tells you about the OM, She (your ww) thought enough of him, to have sex with him ( or have an illicit relationship)for a prolonged period of time, so apparently he does possess at least some good qualities.
So lets all take the easy way out and play the "(Blame the OP game) so we can rug-sweep the real issues of our marriage and "let go", of our justifiable anger. I'm not excusing myself, in this. I played the game too, until I finally learned the most valuable lesson of all, the guy I have to answer to is the one that looks back at me when I shave.....all the rest is just .....game playing. See ya'll later.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

I guess my FWH is unique....he does not say anything good or bad about MOW. Just that he is sorry it happened. I do call her a twat tickler, but that is because of her video and the fact that we share the same name. I do think a married couple uses this tactic to survive together. While it is normal, it should not become the basis for closure. I am glad you have moved on from that stage.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

I think there is a world of difference between the WS dissing the AP and blaming them for the A. Compared to the WS dissing the AP because they realize that when you act like a dysfunctional, selfish loser that you attract that into your life.

In my situation, my H said the A never felt right but he was caught up in the attention and sex because our relationship was in bad shape and our M was sexless. I too thought about leaving even prior to the start of the A. 

Once the A was in full swing, he said the toxic nature of the whole thing started to creep into his thoughts. He said that's when you become poisoned by the guilt and the betrayal and it dawns on you what you have become...

When you realize that when you act in a selfish, petty, immature manner that you attract that into your life, is when you see the AP for who they truly are...

My H said that in hindsight, there were signs that the AP was a bad person by the way she talked about her friends and family. BUT in the midst of the A, you ignore the signs because you are getting your needs met so you justify it all.

When that eats aways at your soul, you start to see the truth that you denied for so long.

Is that rugsweeping? I don't believe that it is...It's a realization that an A does not solve problems, it only creates them and that the type of person to become involved with a married person is toxic and can only stunt your emotional growth.

As long as the BS realizes that what is said about the AP can also be said about their WS, it is not rugsweeping.

It's also telling how an AP acts after D-day or when they are dumped. If they are told the A is over but they come after the WS or the BS in an attempt to seek revenge, to me that indicates that are an even worse person than the WS.

I get your point though.

If my H had blamed his AP for the affair, we would not be in R. He has never blamed her. He told her he should have never gotten involved with her, and it needed to end. Her response was that it had started and so that was an indication it was meant to be. She did not care that he said he regretted it, wanted it over, and wanted his marriage. She continued to beg, plead, threaten and cry. So at that point, intervering in our M became all her fault. 

BTW, I like the posts from the people who are anti-R even though I'm in R. They make me think. And they keep me asking the right questions of myself and my FWS.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

I've got to commend both of you for speaking out about this subject. Most of the posters in R wouldn't touch this issue with a 10 foot pole, because they would then have to look at themselves in a critical light.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

I will be back periodically. Bye now.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Just like you to hit and run Badblood.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I don't recall every blaming the OW for the affair. Do I have pet names for her? Sure. I have them for other people too LMAO. 

One thing that is odd with my scenario, is that the OW, her H, my H and I all sat down and skyped. This was a good faith effort from the OW and her H, and I happily agreed. Not once during that two hour conversation did I blame anything on her. As a matter of fact, her and my H were so busy throwing one another under the bus, that her H and I said very little. We asked some questions and the OW would answer me, or my H would answer her H. For what it was, it was very civilized.

In the end I believe that my H and the OW are both responsible ( there was no foul play, they both knew the other was married and they both chose to violate their own vows) and owe their remorse to only their spouse. I don't expect apologies from her,and I don't want them either.

If she was someone I knew for years and years, I would probably feel differently.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Just like you to hit and run Badblood.


OK, Monte, If you want me to stay here, get your butt to Chi-town and help me unpack 3,000 boxes and bags.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

You made a good point, Dawn. The WS is not one iota better than the OM/OW, and if the OM/OW is single then the WS is a great deal worse, not to mention a hypocrite.


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## Exsquid (Jul 31, 2012)

I know my wife is 100% responsible for stepping out of our marriage and sleeping with someone else but I would still love to kick the OM'S a** for his role in the affair. He knew damn well she was married and to top it all off he's a cop. He should be held to a higher standard IMO. 

Sigh...time to go to the shooting range. BRB lol


I wanted to add. I know fighting solves nothing but it would damn sure make me feel better knowing I caused him some pain. If only in a physical sense.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

DawnD said:


> In the end I believe that my H and the OW are both responsible ( there was no foul play, they both knew the other was married and they both chose to violate their own vows) and owe their remorse to only their spouse. I don't expect apologies from her,and I don't want them either.



Exactly. The xOW in my case should have been worried about her H and her two young daughters AND her apology to them, instead of crying about how it had all been so unfair to her. And an apology from her would have made me laugh. Instead she sent me an email telling me I must be feeling insecure and fat (I'm skinny as I rail so that was especially comical) because my H had cheated. I saw her photo. Not likely. If she actually apologized, I would know it was disingenuous. 

I find it hard to understand these OW/OM who think they are owed an apology. Are they really that dumb? How did they think an A was going to end? It's like these people live in lalafairyland or got stuck in the mindset of HS students. Actually that's an insult to HS students because even my teenage daughter said how pathetic and desperate is a woman to call a married man's house who had children because he doesn't want her and beg and cry like some insecure 13 year old girl over a sleazy affair. But again, it goes back to the issue of many cheaters being selfish or narcissists (at least temporarily) because in their minds, it's all about them.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Badblood said:


> There's a new game in town! And everybody can play, WS's and BS's alike. It's called," badmouthing the AP" and seems like a lot of fun. There are a lot of interesting aspects to it and apparently can be very rewarding. Now I don't know much about the woman's side of it, where it's the H who's the cheater and the AP is an OW, but I've lived the men's portion and so will only talk about that. If you Betrayed Ladies have anything to add , feel free.
> For the WW, by dissing your former lover, you are showing loyalty (belated) to your Hubby, and easing your guilt at the same time. A win-win situation, if I've ever seen it. Does anybody remember the old Flip Wilson skits? "The Devil made me do it!!" If the guilt and remorse gets too bad, you can always use it as a "get out of jail free", card. "Honey, it was that smooth-talking,_fill in the blanks_________ OM, who seduced me from you and gave me the attention I craved. . So lets badmouth him together and that will show I've learned my lesson, and am really the unspoiled, good wife I always was. And besides, the sex wasn't nearly as good as it is with you."
> For the Bh, it's a chance to regain your manhood, and show what a tough guy you really are. " I would love to beat that SOB's ass, for showing me up, like he did." What I would like ALL of you BH's to remember is that whatever YOU think of the OM, and whatever your WW tells you about the OM, She (your ww) thought enough of him, to have sex with him ( or have an illicit relationship)for a prolonged period of time, so apparently he does possess at least some good qualities.
> So lets all take the easy way out and play the "(Blame the OP game) so we can rug-sweep the real issues of our marriage and "let go", of our justifiable anger. I'm not excusing myself, in this. I played the game too, until I finally learned the most valuable lesson of all, the guy I have to answer to is the one that looks back at me when I shave.....all the rest is just .....game playing. See ya'll later.


Ouchly.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Both my affair partners were single (well, separated and divorced), and neither one did a thing to "lure" me away from my marriage. Yes, they probably could have done something more to respect the idea of marriage, but it truly was a case of "if it wasn't them, it would be someone else". I suspect this is the case more often than admitted; it would be much easier to point the finger at someone outside the marriage who could take the blame so a reconciliation could begin, if that's what was desired. But as a married person, the decision to have an affair fell entirely on my shoulders, as does the shame and blame.

C


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

PBear said:


> Both my affair partners were single (well, separated and divorced), and neither one did a thing to "lure" me away from my marriage. Yes, they probably could have done something more to respect the idea of marriage, but it truly was a case of "if it wasn't them, it would be someone else". I suspect this is the case more often than admitted; it would be much easier to point the finger at someone outside the marriage who could take the blame so a reconciliation could begin, if that's what was desired. But as a married person, the decision to have an affair fell entirely on my shoulders, as does the shame and blame.
> 
> C


Big post PB. Again, ouchly when you look these things straight in the eye.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Yikes. Conflicting memories.

Wife told me what a POS OM was, yet told me how nice he was. It was as if she knew he was a POS, but that didn't matter to her.

She seemed a little surprised that his then current wife did not like my wife (his ex lover) very much. No! Really?!


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

I have really grown to hate the OM. I know, and my wife knows, that she shoulders 100% of the blame for cheating on me. Yes the OM was an opportunistic ****ing pig of a predator, married himself, and knows exactly what its like to raise kids alone. My wife wondered why her choice made me so mad, because to her, it wasn't about me personally, just that he gave her attention she was craving in a way she had come to think I could not. I've known from shortly after I discovered the affair that the posom wasn't my problem, never wad. My problem was me, which is good, because I can control me, and fix my problem. 

Still, I'd be happy to **** with his life, upset his stability, and I do here and there, because he chose me, when he chose my wife, and I want to make him regret that more than anything he had ever or will ever do.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

I want to dis the OP. It's irrational. Yet I listened for months to my wife tell me about this really nice guy who's really a victim because his wife left him after 25 years and he's just a nice guy. A nice guy who invited my wife to the beach after the bars closed down. Who in his first phone conversation with my wife expounded on his wonderful oral technique and inquired as to my wife's preferences and marital aids. But still, a really good guy. I'd like to meet him one day.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I wanted exactly what WW acheived; complete indiference, no head space for OM. It toke some time thou.
I never felty insecure, never compared myself to MOM, he had nothing, nothing over me. A complete loser. Never needed my wife in order to "build" myself up. She's ashamed of herself for her choice of AP.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Acabado said:


> I wanted exactly what WW acheived; complete indiference, no head space for OM. It toke some time thou.
> I never felty insecure, never compared myself to MOM, he had nothing, nothing over me. A complete loser. Never needed my wife in order to "build" myself up. She's ashamed of herself for her choice of AP.


Hi guys, back for a quick visit. Hey , Acabado, Who would have been a "good" choice for your wife's AP? Is there such a thing?


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Harken Banks said:


> I want to dis the OP. It's irrational. Yet I listened for months to my wife tell me about this really nice guy who's really a victim because his wife left him after 25 years and he's just a nice guy. A nice guy who invited my wife to the beach after the bars closed down. Who in his first phone conversation with my wife expounded on his wonderful oral technique and inquired as to my wife's preferences and marital aids. But still, a really good guy. I'd like to meet him one day.


See, Harken, this is my question. Both you and MattMatt and a great many others are spending too much energy blaming the OM/OW, when it wasn't them who betrayed you , was it? So, NOW , your WS will diss the hell out of them and throw their asses under the bus, all the while , CLAIMING to be remorseful. To me, this is beneath contempt. Too many WS's have dodged the bullet, by doing this, and too many BS will believe them. Does this sound smart to you guys?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Badblood said:


> See, Harken, this is my question. Both you and MattMatt and a great many others are spending too much energy blaming the OM/OW, when it wasn't them who betrayed you , was it? So, NOW , your WS will diss the hell out of them and throw their asses under the bus, all the while , CLAIMING to be remorseful. To me, this is beneath contempt. Too many WS's have dodged the bullet, by doing this, and too many BS will believe them. Does this sound smart to you guys?


No, I don't blame the OM. I don't really blame my wife. 

I think I blamed myself at the time, but now I realise there was nothing I could have done any different.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

BB, your sarcastic opening post almost makes it sound as we owe it to be impartial to the AP.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Women and men many times cheat with people who are morally defective. And they ever know it. But the thing is, the way human sexual attraction works it DOESN'T MATTER. This is particularly evident in the case of one night flings.

Women are often attracted to occasional sex with highly attractive males in order to further their genetic agenda. Highly attractive means exhibiting alpha male traits (not necessarily physical beauty alone). Of course that after the physical situation has been concluded they often exhibit signs of moral self censure and sometimes that means to dwell on the shortcomings of the AP. Because by then they already have been inseminated (hence the generalized lack of use of condoms...YUCK) and it really doesn't matter anymore.

Men, on the other hand often don't hesitate in having sex with females who are even of lower attraction value than their partners. Because biologically they are only investing very little. They could, in the past, just inseminate and leave. This is why many betrayed wives are horrified by finding that the OW was a fat slag that is way below her in beauty and character. 

Funny enough that situation is today completely different with DNA testing. Now males are forced to support their kids (although application is often difficult), and females can be subject to paternity tests too but have a much easier time avoiding them.

Also, many cheaters just berate the AP because its a way to make their BS feel a little better.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

snap said:


> BB, your sarcastic opening post almost makes it sound as we owe it to be impartial to the AP.


That is exactly what I mean, Snap. But the person you owe it to is yourself, if you are the BS, not the AP or the WS. Now, I don't give two sh*ts about the AP, and his/her well being, but I DO give a sh*t about the BS, the marriage and it's chances at true reconciliation. If you are the WS, and truly want to R, then by dissing the AP, you are wasting your time , that would better be spent on finding out what made you cheat and correcting whatever character flaw it was. Sooner or later your BS will wise-up to the fact that you are throwing the AP under the bus to spare yourself, and he/she will know you for the selfish narcissist you are.
If you are the BS, then by joining in with your WS to diss the AP, is letting them off the hook and not solving the marital issues. All in all, it's a HUGE waste of time and effort and has probably killed more recovery's than anything else except a re-newal of the affair. Because, IT DOESN'T SOLVE ANYTHING.


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## anotherone (Sep 19, 2012)

i'm mad at the AP because he was a friend but find it easy to write him off. i don't have the energy to focus on him and he deserves none of my energy.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Badblood said:


> That is exactly what I mean, Snap. But the person you owe it to is yourself, if you are the BS, not the AP or the WS. Now, I don't give two sh*ts about the AP, and his/her well being, but I DO give a sh*t about the BS, the marriage and it's chances at true reconciliation. If you are the WS, and truly want to R, then by dissing the AP, you are wasting your time , that would better be spent on finding out what made you cheat and correcting whatever character flaw it was. Sooner or later your BS will wise-up to the fact that you are throwing the AP under the bus to spare yourself, and he/she will know you for the selfish narcissist you are.
> If you are the BS, then by joining in with your WS to diss the AP, is letting them off the hook and not solving the marital issues. All in all, it's a HUGE waste of time and effort and has probably killed more recovery's than anything else except a re-newal of the affair. Because, IT DOESN'T SOLVE ANYTHING.


The point is well taken, well made, and clear. But, like throwing snowballs at the moon, we're still gonna do it anyway because every now and then it feels good.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Harken Banks said:


> The point is well taken, well made, and clear. But, like throwing snowballs at the moon, we're still gonna do it anyway because every now and then it feels good.


Oh, I agree , Banks, but I'm trying to show how wasteful that kind of thinking really is. I mean, I've done it too, until I realized that it was going nowhere. My wife's AP was an old pervert, and I've called him out on a few occasions, but he is so feeble that I would probably do him serious bodily harm, so I began to concentrate on my WW, and soon realized that he was a meaningless cypher. It was my mentally-ill wife, who played the wh*re, and him being such a clown didn't erase that fact.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Badblood said:


> Hi guys, back for a quick visit. Hey , Acabado, Who would have been a "good" choice for your wife's AP? Is there such a thing?


It's necessary a negative statement. Beyonf the obvioous, the fact OM has absolutely no known acomplishments speaks symponies about my wife, how much she lowered her standars therefore how low she put the bar for herself. An attempt to trade up at least didn't put me in the spot to really be worried about her capacity of discernment, even to have the safety of out children in her head in case we got devorced.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Acabado said:


> It's necessary a negative statement. Beyonf the obvioous, the fact OM has absolutely no known acomplishments speaks symponies about my wife, how much she lowered her standars therefore how low she put the bar for herself. An attempt to trade up at least didn't put me in the spot to really be worried about her capacity of discernment, even to have the safety of out children in her head in case we got devorced.


Except for the kids, this sounds a lot like my situation was. Bottom line , however , is do I want a woman so low as that? Could I ever be intimate with such a sleezy person as the one who did those sick things with the AP? The Answer was no.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

My answer was the same until it wasn't.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Long car rides, usually to a ski competition, my next to oldest brother every now and then would ask me if I wanted a donut. Being about 8 and liking donuts I would invariably say "Yes." And he would ask whether I was sure, because it was a special kind of donut, it was a Hertz Donut. And I would think a donut is a donut and the the name rang a bit Germanic and promising so, yes, let me have a Hertz Donut. And he would give me then what was known was a "dead arm" or a Charly Horse and follow up with "Hurts, don't it?" I'd cry for a while and then we'd laugh.


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## tonyarz (Sep 15, 2012)

My wife and I don't talk negatively about her AP. He is still a friend of ours and he has no idea I know. I didn't tell his wife or anything and they are still married. Basically my wife got drunk 11 years ago and AP was buying her drinks. She got really drunk and went to his hotel room with him. Wife came clean like 6 years later.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Badblood said:


> That is exactly what I mean, Snap. But the person you owe it to is yourself, if you are the BS, not the AP or the WS. Now, I don't give two sh*ts about the AP, and his/her well being, but I DO give a sh*t about the BS, the marriage and it's chances at true reconciliation.


I see your point, and neither me nor my wife diss her AP. That said I'm not impartial to him. I have strong antipathy towards him; he is my enemy, and it's not going to change. So there is little point to be reserved whenever the APs are discussed here on TAM.


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## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

I blame them both. Of course I blame stbx more as he made promises to me on our wedding day and she did not. However I knew her and she knew I was pregnant. She had three small children and a husband when it started. So I think she deserves some of my contempt.

He has never said anything negative about her. They are still together so I guess that would be bad form. I say plenty of things about the both of them but not directly to him. If I do he gets angry and defends her. He's very loyal that way.

Oh he did make a comparison list a few months ago when he was trying to decide if he might want me back. He told me I was definitely prettier, far more intelligent, and more talented. But he said she is sweeter and more supportive. Constant ego stroking is apparently not my thing.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

snap said:


> I see your point, and neither me nor my wife diss her AP. That said I'm not impartial to him. I have strong antipathy towards him; he is my enemy, and it's not going to change. So there is little point to be reserved whenever the APs are discussed here on TAM.


It's all right, not to like the AP, but you should also realize that the AP did you no harm, it was your cheating spouse that did the damage. Without her participation you would most likely never have had issues with the AP and might not even know of his existence, right?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I always thought dissing meant to ignore someone. I didn't know that is also meant to criticise them. Learn something new everyday.

I try to be objective about these things. My fiance said that his ex and erstwhile EA was physically unattractive. I noticed on a social media site that she thought she needed to loose _(sic)_ 50 pounds before she turns 30. Notice how I don't call her fat.

I do think that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I do notice that a lot of heavier women not only get play but also find adoring husbands.

Where I do put forward my opinion is on how one allows to be treated by that person and others (particularly when there is a diffirence.) And I still don't understand the **** that he put up with her, the rude, insulting remarks, the sarcasm, the obvious interest when he moved on and started dating someone else (me) compared to when he was truly single.

I contemplate these things because I want to know if I am doing anything right. My fiance said in an unrelated conversation that he found attitude in a woman hot.....enough to make less than attractive women able to skip out in front of the pyhsically attractive ones.

Of course, it has made me wonder whether I am feisty enough and do I keep him on his toes. There's no need for me to be any more giving that what's necessary.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

underwater2010 said:


> I guess my FWH is unique....he does not say anything good or bad about MOW. Just that he is sorry it happened. I do call her a twat tickler, but that is because of her video and the fact that we share the same name. I do think a married couple uses this tactic to survive together. While it is normal, it should not become the basis for closure. I am glad you have moved on from that stage.


That's an excellent name for the hot to trot OW. 

The OW in my STBEH's case also sent raunchy home-made videos of herself masturbating with various fruits and vegetables. 

I think I am more upset about the fact that my husband continued to see her after that, than I am about her sending them.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Oh I got the fingering, the toy pic, breast pics, and the ever famous I look stoned in lingerie after having three kids. Her husband did not find them that funny, ecspecially after telling me her wedding ring disappeared shortly after the fingering video was taken (I guess she is left handed). 

But on a better note, there is no more communication between any of us. I feared a note from her as my FWH's birthday just passed, but thank god nothing.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Zanna said:


> Exactly. The xOW in my case should have been worried about her H and her two young daughters AND her apology to them, instead of crying about how it had all been so unfair to her. And an apology from her would have made me laugh. Instead she sent me an email telling me I must be feeling insecure and fat (I'm skinny as I rail so that was especially comical) because my H had cheated. I saw her photo. Not likely. If she actually apologized, I would know it was disingenuous.
> 
> I find it hard to understand these OW/OM who think they are owed an apology. Are they really that dumb? How did they think an A was going to end? It's like these people live in lalafairyland or got stuck in the mindset of HS students. Actually that's an insult to HS students because even my teenage daughter said how pathetic and desperate is a woman to call a married man's house who had children because he doesn't want her and beg and cry like some insecure 13 year old girl over a sleazy affair. But again, it goes back to the issue of many cheaters being selfish or narcissists (at least temporarily) because in their minds, it's all about them.


Zanna:

The OW sent me a similar email, claiming he loved her more and I should be very insecure and anxious all though he cut off the affair. 

This woman is plump, a brassy fake blonde, a high maintenance wife and all the things I am not.

The OW is all the things STBEH claimed to hate about some women. 

I agree about the selfishiness and H.S. aspect of cheating. 

In the emails I read with my STBEH and the OW complaining about the silliest things about their spouses it sounded like two teenagers complaining about their responsible parents. 

Some of the complaints were the spouses like to stay home and watch the news rather than go clubbing. 

I was too cautious about money and worrying about retirement. 

Her complaint about her unsuspecting faithful husband was that he spent too much money on her and it made her feel as if he could solve everything with money.

Meanwhile my STBEH was spoiling her and spending money on her, too, despite that statement.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Badblood said:


> It's all right, not to like the AP, but you should also realize that the AP did you no harm, it was your cheating spouse that did the damage. Without her participation you would most likely never have had issues with the AP and might not even know of his existence, right?


I'm sorry but I disagree. Yes my WH hurt me but she did also. She knew he was married with children and still went after him. I'm not going into details but she actively went out of her way to try and steal my life. She wanted to pick him out of my life and our family and put him in here. She wanted a new life and new father for her kids. She wanted my life basically. So yes I hate her. She should be ashamed of herself and her actions. Nothing but a selfish little *****!!

And yes my H feels like a complete idiot for almost losing everythig for a lying crazy *****!

Rant over!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Harken Banks said:


> I want to dis the OP. It's irrational. Yet I listened for months to my wife tell me about this really nice guy who's really a victim because his wife left him after 25 years and he's just a nice guy. A nice guy who invited my wife to the beach after the bars closed down. Who in his first phone conversation with my wife expounded on his wonderful oral technique and inquired as to my wife's preferences and marital aids. But still, a really good guy. I'd like to meet him one day.


Harken:

Good points. That is why my STBEH is STBEH. On Dday, when I was anonymously alerted to his cheating (he never confessed until outed), he defended the OW, saying she was a nice and good person.....WTF?

Also, later when I pointed out that she was plump and not his type, he seemed upset and insisted she was pretty. 

By all accounts she is not, although she is known to have a very high opinion of herself, albeit a delusional one, due to the fact that her daddy spoiled her and pampered her.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You know, I can't even remember the one chick's name. I was just thinking about that. That by the time he gave me the name, it didn't even matter anymore.

For a long time I hated her. Which is stupid. Nobody made him fvck her. Or reach out to all of those women online. Or to go out on dates while were in marriage counselling (when he finally agreed to attend).

I knew I arrived when I peeped his FB one day (via my friend's FB page) and saw this one girl still girl-crushing all over him and writing on his "wall" the words "MUAH" under a picture of him with other girls on his arms in the club. My 35 year old exH, "in da club" with these cheap-looking/tranny wannabe hipsters hanging on his arms. I felt sad for her for the first time. I wanted to hold her and say, Girl, you are selling yourself short.

Life is STRANGE.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Badblood said:


> That is exactly what I mean, Snap. But the person you owe it to is yourself, if you are the BS, not the AP or the WS. Now, I don't give two sh*ts about the AP, and his/her well being, but I DO give a sh*t about the BS, the marriage and it's chances at true reconciliation. If you are the WS, and truly want to R, then by dissing the AP, you are wasting your time , that would better be spent on finding out what made you cheat and correcting whatever character flaw it was. Sooner or later your BS will wise-up to the fact that you are throwing the AP under the bus to spare yourself, and he/she will know you for the selfish narcissist you are.
> If you are the BS, then by joining in with your WS to diss the AP, is letting them off the hook and not solving the marital issues. All in all, it's a HUGE waste of time and effort and has probably killed more recovery's than anything else except a re-newal of the affair. Because, IT DOESN'T SOLVE ANYTHING.


Good points, Badblood.

It actually annoyed me when my spouse actually did throw the OW under the bus. 

It was like he was all to willing to throw me under the bus and badmouth me for her, now he was doing the same to the OW, badmouthing her for me. 

How could I trust that. I think indifference to the OW, and looking into one's own soul and character flaws is the better approach for the cheater.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

tonyarz said:


> My wife and I don't talk negatively about her AP. He is still a friend of ours and he has no idea I know. I didn't tell his wife or anything and they are still married. Basically my wife got drunk 11 years ago and AP was buying her drinks. She got really drunk and went to his hotel room with him. Wife came clean like 6 years later.


Please alert the wife to her husband's affair. 

I am so grateful to the person who alerted me anonymously. 

There is no worse feeling in the world than being duped by the one person in the world you believe always has your back. 

It's important to know that your cheating spouse doesn't have your back, except to stick a dagger in it. 

Please tell the OM's wife. Please.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Funny, I don't see many WS's posting on this thread. Wonder why?


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Badblood said:


> Funny, I don't see many WS's posting on this thread. Wonder why?


I can't speak for the other WS but, I haven't because to acknowledge the OM in any way means I still think about him. I could care less one way or the other where he is concerned.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> I can't speak for the other WS but, I haven't because to acknowledge the OM in any way means I still think about him. I could care less one way or the other where he is concerned.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Pidge, it says a lot that you are one of the few to say that, who I would believe. :smthumbup:


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Badblood said:


> Pidge, it says a lot that you are one of the few to say that, who I would believe. :smthumbup:


Why thank you BB.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Don't mention it, Pidge.


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