# ultimatum



## sadinnv (May 14, 2011)

My husband of 12 years just told my son (20 and from previous marriage) he had 6 months to move out. I asked, "and if he doesn't?" Husband's response was that I would have to make a decision. (Argument ensued in which I had to tell my husband to get in the house.)

This stemmed from my husband perceiving my son to be "disrespectful." The incident which occurred was my son was leaning back on the lazy boy on his stomach and using his computer. My husband told him not to sit like that. My son turned and sat on his butt and reclined the chair back and was looking something up on the computer and returning to the seated position while he used his wireless keyboard. After he typed, he reclined back, still sitting on butt to see what popped up on the screen. I didn't see anything wrong with this because I was actually sitting on my son's computer chair watching him do his search. He leaned back again and when my husband saw this, flew off the handle and started yelling at him to get out of his house.

Before my son turned 18, I will be the first to admit that he was a jerk and I couldn't wait for him to move out and actually told him that if he didn't change his ways, he would have to go. Since my son turned 18, he has become a different person. He's actually become a decent young man. He goes to school full time, and does chores around the house like we've asked. He's been looking for a part time job but has not been able to find one. We've always told him just to go to school and not to worry about anything. We've always said once you find a full time job that we would give him 6 months to save up money so he could get a decent apartment and furniture and not worry about having to rack up bills.

I don't believe in kicking someone when they're down. My son has had a very difficult time finding a job and is already sad because he doesn't understand why no one will hire him. I've told him when the time comes he will find a job. I reminded him it's a tough market right now but to continue going to school. 

At this point, considering the past few years, my son has made a huge turnaround that I don't or can't side with my husband in this situation. How can I tell my son he has to leave in 6 months when I see that he hasn't been disrespectful to my husband or myself. My son has been doing what we've asked him to. He always tells me where he's going and what time he'll be back and he is living by the rules that were laid out for him. 

I don't know what to think because my husband just blurted this out screaming at the top of his lungs without expressing any of his frustrations to me beforehand. My son feels like crap because he really looks up to my husband and son says it tears him up whenever he (husband) acts like this. 

I'm thinking either my husband wants a divorce but doesn't want to ask me for one, so he's attacking my son and telling me he's "always" disrespecting him (which I don't believe is true) hoping or knowing what I will choose. Or is he really asking me for an ultimatum? And if I give in to an ultimatum, then that means I'm giving in and allowing someone to have control over me??? At this point, I'm in tears. I'm just saddened that my life was turned upside down in less than an hour.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Sounds like he is blaming your son for how HE (your husband) is feeling. Why do you feel your husband wants a divorce? 

You need to have a sit down talk with him, a one on one and get to the root of why your husband feels the way he does. If your son wasn't going to school, and wasn't looking for a job, then I could see why he might feel that way. However, at least he is trying.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I'm guessing it was just something said in the heat of the moment. I don't think it means he wants a divorce.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Your H sounds like my old man/sister/Hitler-when they saw a problem, they didn't make the time or energy to work the problem and find a good solution, no, THEY FOUND SOMEONE TO BLAME, and they were covered, they had their free ticket to make everyone's life miserable.
When my dad was upset or something bad happened, well, like Hitler towards the Jews, he had his ready scapegoat in my sister. Because she was so disrespectful, and caused him so much trouble, he yelled, b****ed, spent weekends sitting with a scowl on his face, screamed at everyone, and eventually kicked her out of HIS house (it takes no genius to see that he was a "my way or the highway" type who started-and ended-every argument and disagreement with "This is MY house...") After my sis left, it didn't take too long for him to start riding MY a** to "either straighten up or get out of MY house." So, I enlisted in the Army, and it was probably the best decision I ever made. Yes, he's mellowed over time, but my sis is the same way, if she screws something up, it's always someone else's fault, and that is what your H is doing-it sounds like he is having issues, but not being able to find answers that suit him, he is looking for a convenient target. In one of my other threads, I asked who the next bad guy will be, now that Bin Laden is gone- seeing as history, and even life, is like an old western-there has to be a bad guy, and your H has found his.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

A perceptive young man would have realized that his demeanor, looking up something on the computer and leaning back sends a dismissing signal to the father who is upset.

Your h may or may not be right, but your son needs to learn about body language, perception amd demonstrating respect, even if he perceives he is being unfairly treated. Would he behave that way with his boss?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

ClipClop said:


> A perceptive young man would have realized that his demeanor, looking up something on the computer and leaning back sends a dismissing signal to the father who is upset.
> 
> Your h may or may not be right, but your son needs to learn about body language, perception amd demonstrating respect, even if he perceives he is being unfairly treated. Would he behave that way with his boss?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Body language is speaks louder than words, but keep in mind that we did not actually *see* what the son did.

Throwing a tantrum and threatening to divorce if the son is not gone is a HUGE overreaction. The punishment does not fit the crime. It sounds like the husband may still be resenting the son's past mistakes.

My parents would scream, call me promiscuous and threaten to kick me out every time I came home past 12. This was after I was 21 years old and proved very responsible. I grew weary of being treated like a teenager, especially since my brothers could come and go as they pleased. I moved out with nothing but the clothes on my back and refused to come home, no matter how my parents pleaded. I was no longer going to stay home and be a slave to the men in my family. I needed to live my life. It was the best choice I ever made.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Mrs. G, are these the same parents who hit you with a cooking pot?

Funny-my old man would constantly threaten us with his brand of banishment, but then begged and pleaded with us to come home after we were gone!


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

F-102 said:


> Mrs. G, are these the same parents who hit you with a cooking pot?
> 
> Funny-my old man would constantly threaten us with his brand of banishment, but then begged and pleaded with us to come home after we were gone!


:rofl: Same ones, lovey. It was my mother who was physically abusive. My dad did the whole "only hores stay out late" nonsense.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Your husband helped raise your son for 12 years, so he's apparently not a complete loser. If he were irrational, you probably wouldn't have stayed with him so long, so I assume he's reasonably intelligent. You don't see every bit of interraction between your husband and your son. You know when you've been serially disrespected and I suspect your husband has enough sense to know the same. Your husband and your son are both adults and their conflict doesn't need to involve you. Let them work their own business out. If your husband gave him 6 months to get out, he isn't very passionate or serious about wanting him out. My dad threatened me with "I'll skin you alive" numerous times and my skin is still intact. Folks say ugly things when they're upset. At 20, I'd be impatient for my own son to be moving out, because I cared about him and wanted him to succeed. If your son needs a job and a few pointers in discipline and manners, he can find all three at the nearest Army recruiter. He'll also solve his college money woes. This isn't about you. They've had 12 years to develop their own relationship and this is between them. You can love and encourage them both. Take junior's side and you alienate your life-partner. Take hubby's side and junior might get his feelings hurt but he'll live and when he's married, he'll understand. No parent should feel disrespected in their own home. That is your refuge. Doesn't matter whether you agree with your husband. If he feels disrespected, then he has been. It's real to him and that's reason enough for junior to adjust his behavior.


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