# New relationships and kids from previous relationships



## shell10297 (May 31, 2013)

I have found it hard to meet a new partner due to having kids.

I don't mean guys i have meet are rude or offensive, its just that most guys don't want the baggage. I can understand that with some people, but its seems to me that most guys are like this? 

Is this a common problem or am i just having bad luck? 

Also, are they other examples of this happening and people have worked around it or come up with strategies to help the situation?


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Obviously, by my user name, I am a woman so I am talking from a female point of view; not a mans. 

Yes, this is a common problem but there ARE men out there that understand the importance of children coming first and having to work around those schedules. 

My girlfriend is 48 and has an 11 year old son. Most of the men she dates has issues because their kids are grown or self sufficient. Her child is not. But if you are in an age bracket that having young kids is the norm then that means the men you find to date sees it s the norm too. So it's a matter of finding a decent guy who is not selfish, self centered or jealous. If they are not then neither you nor your children need that kind of person in your life. So look at that as being good luck; not bad luck! 

Perhaps create a network of other single mothers in your life. You can all help each other by watching each others children for a day or evening. Talk to the guy you are dating and ask him to help with solutions. Get him involved. Perhaps finding a man who has custody or 50/50 custody of his own children would be the way to go. They would have a better understanding on how schedules work and understand why plans can change last minute. 

It is very difficult to balance children and dating but it's not impossible! 

Good luck. Don't get discouraged!


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I don't have them lining up at the door but the ones I have dated were all fine with kids. Oddly my two longest relationships were with men who had no kids but had wanted them with their first wives so they were very understanding and supportive of my being a mother.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

shell10297 said:


> I have found it hard to meet a new partner due to having kids.
> 
> I don't mean guys i have meet are rude or offensive, its just that most guys don't want the baggage. I can understand that with some people, but its seems to me that most guys are like this?
> 
> ...


How old are your children, and how old are you? 

I think men will run for the hills if they see a woman who "puts her children first" - meaning she prioritizes the kids so much that she won't have room for him to take an equally important role in her life. 

But overall, I think a man who sees you as a catch will want to date you even if you have children. So it's not the kids, it something you're communicating about them that leads a man to believe it's more of a hassle than it's worth.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I had 3 kids when I met my current hubby. They were 2, 4 and 6. What worked for us raising the kids was for me to be the ultimate decision maker for them. Their dad hasn't been in the picture at all, so I had them full time. I did not want a man to help me raise my kids, I wasn't 'looking' for a man at all, but I decided that my life would be better with him than without him. He says that the fact I didn't really seem to 'need' him made him feel secure, because he knew I was choosing to be with him.

It also helped that I was completely and totally smitten with lust for him 

Things moved VERY slowly. We met in December, didn't actually date until May (he lost my number and finally got it back through a mutual friend), didn't sleep together until October (and then only at my insistence), and didn't move in together for another 2 years, then got married 2 years later. I did not introduce him to my kids until the spring after we slept together.


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

Maybe try and find a guy who has kids too? Like a single dad
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## shell10297 (May 31, 2013)

Thanks for all your advice. Some good points and pass experiences that i can look at.

I have 2 girls 10 and 13, so can be handful at times....lol. I am 36. I was married for 10 years and had been with him for 13 years so have been off the dating scene for a while!

We spilt up 18 months ago. First 12 months didn't want to know anyone especially another guy. Been back in the dating scene for last 6 months. Haven't done much dating as hard to find right person.

Anyway, thanks for advice again. I am glad i found this site as all feedback and advice is on the mark and relative.


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## torani (May 6, 2013)

You sound like me, I was with my ex husband for 13 years and we had a beautiful son together, after we split it took me a few years to get back into the dating scene. I had the outlook that I was in my 30's and who would ever want my baggage... that came out when I met other men that were interested in me. 

Im in sales so please forgive me, I cant help but use this as an example, it might sound sales like... 

but things changed for me in the dating scene when I changed my outlook on my situation. Instead of telling myself I had baggage, I convinced myself that me and my son we an awesome package that any new man would love to have. Truth is, my kid from my previous marriage is awesome. Any new man I met, learned right away that me and my son are an awesome package... 

Once I displayed my outlook in that way, my dates seemed just as excited about our awesome package as I was... 

Some men will not be interested but you don't want that guy, your looking for the one that wants the entire awesome package that you are.. Keep looking, don't get discouraged, he is out there!

Maybe he also has an awesome package... =)


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> How old are your children, and how old are you?
> 
> I think men will run for the hills if they see a woman who "puts her children first" - meaning she prioritizes the kids so much that she won't have room for him to take an equally important role in her life.
> 
> But overall, I think a man who sees you as a catch will want to date you even if you have children. So it's not the kids, it something you're communicating about them that leads a man to believe it's more of a hassle than it's worth.


Yes, this. I met my hb when my sons were 2 and 5 and eight years later we're still happy. The big things were that I took care of my boys but the entire world didn't revolve around them, I had a good job and they had a father so I wasn't looking for someone to do for us, and I suppose he considered me a catch. Dealing with someone else's kids is a hassle, you have to have other things to offer that someone will find appealing. And remember that while your kids are the light of your life not everyone is going to feel that way, so please make sure your kids are respectful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Even single dads may not be ready to take on extra baggage on top of the baggage they've already got - me included. However us shallow types are few, especially 30+ and it's our loss.

I'm sure you will find someone, just work the law of averages.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

shell10297 said:


> Thanks for all your advice. Some good points and pass experiences that i can look at.
> 
> I have 2 girls 10 and 13, so can be handful at times....lol. I am 36. I was married for 10 years and had been with him for 13 years so have been off the dating scene for a while!
> 
> ...


You're only a couple of years younger than I am and before I met my boyfriend now, it was actually hard to meet men that didn't come as a "package deal" themselves. For me personally, having kids at home is a total dealbreaker. Wanting to have kids--even more of a dealbreaker. It took a kissing a lot of frogs to find someone of similar mind, attractive to me and compatible as well!

I think it's important to remember that dating is about getting out there, having fun with someone else and seeing what develops. If you're trying to figure out over a single date or even a couple of weeks of chatting whether someone is husband potential, you're going to be disappointed just about every time. Of course there are stories of love at first sight, but I think for most people it's a process. Since it's a process, you might as well enjoy the journey, right?


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