# I need to fall back in love with my husband!!!



## gyspy14 (Feb 16, 2016)

My H and I have been in a rough patch for awhile now. It got to the point where I asked to separate. We have 2 young kids so I was trying to be as civil as possible.. I didn't kick him out or leave; I told him I wanted to work together towards the end so that neither of us gets screwed over. He's an amazing father and I want him to be as much a part of kids lives as he is now.
Also; he doesn't work right now.. he's staying home with the kids. He talks a lot about finding work.. but hasn't made any efforts as of yet.

After many talks and crying and yelling, he asked me to stay and to try again. One more time. I agreed. For the sake of our kids, I would put one more honest effort into our relationship.

That was 2 months ago.

Since than, we've been on weekend getaways, spending more quality time together, and i can SEE the effort he's putting forth. He's really trying to change and show me love. I appreciate his effort.

My fear, though, is that... I'm still not really feeling it. I have no real desire to be around him. I enjoy our family time together, both of us with the kids... but once it's just him and I.. I don't really look forward to it. I'm trying to fall back in love; but I just am not.

What can I do to try to fall back in love with him? We've had weekends away, we've gone on dates, we are trying to spend more quality time. I'm impressed with the effort he's making... and I'm really trying. But the truth is.. I just don't know if I love him anymore. I don't know if I can anymore. I'm scared that there's just nothing left in me for him. That will kill him. 

Any suggestions?


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Find a way..... even the smallest to respect him

Just start with that.

The not working thing and little effort to find it is a major negative.

You can't truly love a spouse without respect.

55

ETA: How is his self respect/esteem ?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

him getting a job might help.

all my friends who earn less than their wife or who are underemployed or not employed at all complain that their wife treats them with no respect.

you don't respect him.


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## gyspy14 (Feb 16, 2016)

just got it 55 said:


> ETA: How is his self respect/esteem ?


He's on medication for depression and anxiety. It was challenge to get him on those.. but he's been taking his meds and his mood is improving. His self esteem is low.. I don't think he thinks too much of himself.
That definitely doesn't help.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Are you acting as his Mother not his wife ?

Another negative another thing to work /improve on for him and yourself.

55


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## gyspy14 (Feb 16, 2016)

Yes, there was a point when that was the case. That was a big issue during our rough patch. It was mostly because he was refusing treatment for his depression which was hindering our relationship BIG time. He lost his job, was being impatient with the kids, and pretty much just ignoring me. I had had enough so I told him I would be leaving. To make a looong story short... he agreed to get back on his meds and STAY on them, and I agreed to give it another shot.
Since he's been on his meds, the mother/wife thing is much better. He's taken on more responsibilty at home. He makes dinner, and cleans the best he can. He walks the dog and take the kids to the park etc. Those are the things I'm happy about.. and I can see the effort he's making. I WANT to fall back in love with him, but I'm having a very hard time with it.
I think respect is a big part of it, like you guys are saying.

I will start there and see what happens.

Thank you for your responses!!!


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Love is not a feeling but an action. Do you demonstrate constant respect and appreciation for all that he does? If so, continue and tell him you appreciate his efforts. You just might continue to see more positive changes.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There was a study done on a large group of couples who were very unhappy in their marriages and on the verge of divorce. They followed the group for 5 years. At the end of the study, 85% of the couples had solved their issues and self-reported as happy in their marriages. My point? In marriage, the feelings of love ebb and flow. You are at a down turn right now. But there ways to get back that loving feeling and passion. Sometimes it’s just a matter of time. Sometimes (probably often) work needs to be done.

There are two books that I think would go a long way to helping you both fix your marriage.
“Love Busters”
“His Needs, Her Needs”
Read them in that order. Read them together and do the work that they suggest.

Here is a list of the suggested needs from the "HN/HN" book. 

Affection
Sexual Fulfillment
Conversation
Recreational Companionship
Honesty and Openness
Physical Attractiveness
Financial Support
Domestic Support
Family Commitment
Admiration



Here’s my take on your situation using some of what the books talk about.

The books use a “love bank” as an analogy for how we gain/lose the feelings of love for a spouse. When our spouse is meeting a large part of our needs it’s like coins deposited into our love bank. Then they do “love busters” they are withdrawing from our love bank.

Even though you two have been spending a lot of quality time together, he’s not meeting some important needs of yours. Usually positives put in one “love coin”, while negatives take out “several coins”. An example of this is that in business interactions, on average, it takes 13 positive interactions with a customer to fix one negative interaction. (Yep someone did a study on that.)

From what you have written, I can see a few HUGE love busters that your husband is doing. These point to two emotional needs that you have that are not being met. 

One if that he is not working. I think that these would fall under Financial Support. By him not holding up is side of the Financial Support part of marriage, he’s dumping his responsibilities in this area on your without your consent. For him to do this without your agreement (Policy of Joint Agreement) The Policy of Joint Agreement is a huge act of disrespect of you. I can understand why this would make you lose a lot of loving feeling for him. All the quality time together is not going to fix this. This is a HUGE love buster. My ex did this to me and never got a job after he lost his in the second year of our marriage. He piddled around not job hunting for 10 years. It’s one of the main contributors to my divorcing him. 



gyspy14 said:


> He's on medication for depression and anxiety. It was challenge to get him on those.. but he's been taking his meds and his mood is improving. His self esteem is low.. I don't think he thinks too much of himself.
> 
> That definitely doesn't help.


This is another HUGE love buster. Sure, we need to have some compassion for a person who is going through hard times with depression, anxiety, etc. I’ve experienced these myself in the past. But there is one thing that I recognize… that it is MY responsibility to get myself out of it.

It is your husband’s responsibility of seek out the help he needs and fix this. Him not doing it is yet again another big love buster. Again I know how this affects a relationship because the way you are describing your husband (depression, anxiety, low self-esteem) all sound about like my ex. Like you, I had a challenge to get him to get some help. But the meds do not fix it. The meds just take the edge off the mental health issues so that a person can do the work needed to fix it. Unfortunately, most people only get the meds and do not get the needed counseling. 

A book that really helped me is Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy


He has to work/earn his way out of this depression and low self esteem. When you talk to him about the love busters he's doing and what you need from him to fix these to meet your needs of support, etc, is that while you can be a strong emotional support for him in this, it's up to him to fix himself... to get out of the funk, get a job. You need to make it clear to him that this is the lion's share of the work he needs to do to fix the marriage. Because he's the only person who can do it. 


The book walks a person through the work that one needs to do to get out of depression, anxiety, etc. These do not need to be lifelong afflictions. Since your husband has been out of work for some time he now has low self-esteem. This is a very common this to happen, especially to men since men are raised to believe that their work/career is a large part of their identity. My bet is that the unemployment and the mental health issues are very intertwined, fixing one will fix the other.

Fixing the mental health issue is a mix of the drugs and him doing the work like the in Feeling Good book.

But he also needs to get a job. What does he do? What experience and education does he have? Why has he not been able to get a job? How did he lose his pervious job? Did he quit? Get fired? Get laid off/riffed?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

My heart goes out to you and in particular, your husband. I do understand that his self esteem is low and sometimes stress (of not working, of trying to work on the marriage, of dealing with kids etc) can get the better of the best of us.

The two of you are a unit and if you cannot have each others backs in times of need, you are a weak unit.

It is very easy to say well he doesn't have a job and is not trying to get one so you lose respect for him. Was he always like this ? If so, then why did you marry him ? If not, he needs your help and support now, not threats of leaving him.

He will make it in the end and given that he is trying to improve the relationship while he is down, shows that deep down he is a good man. So give him a break and try and "feel" it - if not let him down gently and send him here for some advice.

As others have said, marriage is never easy - there are ups and downs and sometimes more downs than ups. You need to ride this storm together and you will both come out the other side stronger.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

gyspy14 said:


> My H and I have been in a rough patch for awhile now.


She needs to be a little more honest. This is a "patch" only in that the marriage is not old enough to be anything more. Her husband has MANY issues and refuses to deal with them. Or, more accurately, now wishes to deal with them once it is too late. 




gyspy14 said:


> He's an amazing father and I want him to be as much a part of kids lives as he is now.



And that can happen if you stay with him in a loveless marriage. I am hardly one to steer you otherwise. I chose to stay. But I made my decision and I'm sticking to it. Once the loneliness gets to be too much to bear, I'll make a move. 

My wife also made a decision about 20 years ago or so to stay with a man she didn't love. That man found out about 15 years later and continues to live with a woman who will NEVER love him again. He's stuck with three kids in or entering college. A little fatter. A lot balder. A lot older. A LOT harder to start over, in other words. 

It would have been the hardest chapter of my life if she left me then, but I would have lived through it already. Learned from it already. Been happy in a new life already.

In other words, leave him for HIM. He'll get it then. When it's REALLY too late. He'll fix himself. You'll be free. It's what we call a win-win here. And as long as we continue to refuse to take pre-emptive action on Walk-Away-Wives, it will continue.

Sorry.

And think about him being gay. I've been diagnosed with depression and have taken meds that specifically have a sexual performance side effects and my drive didn't dwindle at all. Let alone drive me to a point where a horny naked 27 year old with toys, lingerie and dirty talk could POSSIBLY gross me out, as you appear to do to him.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Sorry, I wasn't clear (again). It's too late for you. Women don't comeback if the husband makes a REAL effort. Once you realize all of this "new me" stuff only touches on the superficial, you're doomed to Walk-Away-Wifedom for eternity. You're gone. He's broken and refuses to get fixed. You can't even BEGIN to start coming back until he makes a REAL effort. He's not done that yet and by the time he even starts you will be that much more gone.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

manfromlamancha said:


> My heart goes out to you and in particular, your husband. I do understand that his self esteem is low and sometimes stress (of not working, of trying to work on the marriage, of dealing with kids etc) can get the better of the best of us.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I agree 100% with this. It sounds like he needs your support through this tough time. Leaving him now is like kicking a dog when he's already down. But at the same time I can understand how exhausting and depressing it is to be with a man that is going through depression and has low self esteem, it brings everyone down. But personally if I was going through what he is going through and my spouse wanted to leave me... I mean I would feel so betrayed and upset. 

If you can... Try to be positive, and love on him as much as you can. Wives can really build their husbands up and their self esteem up. Try to do this and wait until he gets a job and see if anything changes. If nothing changes then I would divorce him.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

men need respect more than love and find it difficult to love their spouse if they are not being respected.

Listen to some of Dr Eggerich's stuff on Love and Respect, if might help you to see the dynamic and apply it to your own marriage.


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## btterflykisses (Apr 29, 2016)

gyspy14 said:


> My H and I have been in a rough patch for awhile now. It got to the point where I asked to separate. We have 2 young kids so I was trying to be as civil as possible.. I didn't kick him out or leave; I told him I wanted to work together towards the end so that neither of us gets screwed over. He's an amazing father and I want him to be as much a part of kids lives as he is now.
> Also; he doesn't work right now.. he's staying home with the kids. He talks a lot about finding work.. but hasn't made any efforts as of yet.
> 
> After many talks and crying and yelling, he asked me to stay and to try again. One more time. I agreed. For the sake of our kids, I would put one more honest effort into our relationship.
> ...


Oh I really feel for you. Having been married forever I know there are really times when you just want to end it.

You have spent some good times with your kids together. 

Can you spend some time alone? Can you recall a really special event or date and relive that memory together!

The other thing is him finding work will seriously increase your happiness. My husband stayed at home for several years not working which was a really awful time for us.


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## CatJayBird (Oct 5, 2015)

I hear ya...I'm in the same boat. I wish I had some wise words for us!


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## Michael Hale (May 11, 2016)

Well it sounds like you two have still made some progress from where you were, even though you still fear that youre not really feeling the desire to be around him. But to make it work, you both need to sit down together and talk, and just make a decision that you guys will make your marriage not only work, but make your marriage an amazing experience. I read this short book one time, and it actually had some pretty solid info in it about situations on making your marriage work and rekindling the flame and such, and I feel like it might be worth reading for you. I'll find it then link it below. Anyways, best of luck and have a good day 

https://www.amazon.com/Marriage-Rebuilding-Connection-Communication-Counselling-ebook/dp/B01EEUN4AE


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