# Yes Man?



## MenMarsWomenVenus (Nov 16, 2015)

Any other guys here been a yes man for years on end only to become completely exhausted and regret getting married? After 12 years and counselling nothing's worked and so over the last few weeks I've just given up I can't be bothered to worry about if she will be angry anymore or to pretend to her parents I'm the perfect guy when I'm not I just want to be me, care free and on my own. It's probably my fault but I just want to know if any guys who got divorced had the same thing? I'm sick of trying to make everyone happy when I've been miserable for years.

I despise this pretend version of myself I've created for her and her family it's not me no one even knows me I'm so much deeper and I'm so bored of talking about completely rubbish with her family I mean WHO CARES if the neighbours did this or that, get a damn life!!! anyone in the same boat??? Sorry rant!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I suggest you find and read "No More Mr. Nice Guy." It can be found as a free download, or for a modest price on Amazon.

It's a mistake to be something you're not. Be yourself, even if she doesn't like it. It's not wrong to please others, but be sure that is pleasing to you as well, and never give up what you want or who you are for someone else. It's NEVER appreciated.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Hang on. Those neighbours sound sort of interesting!

Got anything you can share with us?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I honestly don't believe in marriage counseling, because it seems like a waste of time. You have been bending over backwards for someone who doesn't respect or appreciate you, how is counseling going to resolve this? Life's too short to be with the wrong person, doing the wrong things, for all the wrong reasons. Hope you find your way out of this, or through this. ((hug))


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

That's me - after the kids arrived and she became a nag (I did nothing right in her mind), I thought that just getting along to go along would smooth things over - do what she wants the way that she wants, don't yell back, don't rock the boat. Bad move - I'm now in the same boat as you. Can't stand her but too burned out to put up a fight anymore.

Do you have kids? I love mine to infinity and back, but all of our issues came to the forefront when the kids arrived. Also makes it difficult to make the jump - I know people say that if you're unhappy you should file for divorce so that the kids don't grow up thinking that their parents unhappy marriage is the model, which is a valid point. My issue is that my wife is very immature and lazy, and I don't want that rubbing off on the kids if she has them all of the time. If I'm still in the house full-time, I can play with them, read to them, etc. When she's around without me, she just sits on her butt with the house a mess (dishes piled up everywhere, etc) playing games on her phone while the kids are somewhere in the house. 

Point of all of this - I feel your pain.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Tough Love

You are the problem not your wife. You allow this to happen.

Get the book Awareness by Demello. Stop doing the #3's that cause resentment to build.

Stop doing things you don't want to do in order to please your wife. 

Read the book.

No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover is another book you should read.


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## MenMarsWomenVenus (Nov 16, 2015)

ChargingCharlie said:


> That's me - after the kids arrived and she became a nag (I did nothing right in her mind), I thought that just getting along to go along would smooth things over - do what she wants the way that she wants, don't yell back, don't rock the boat. Bad move - I'm now in the same boat as you. Can't stand her but too burned out to put up a fight anymore.
> 
> Do you have kids? I love mine to infinity and back, but all of our issues came to the forefront when the kids arrived. Also makes it difficult to make the jump - I know people say that if you're unhappy you should file for divorce so that the kids don't grow up thinking that their parents unhappy marriage is the model, which is a valid point. My issue is that my wife is very immature and lazy, and I don't want that rubbing off on the kids if she has them all of the time. If I'm still in the house full-time, I can play with them, read to them, etc. When she's around without me, she just sits on her butt with the house a mess (dishes piled up everywhere, etc) playing games on her phone while the kids are somewhere in the house.
> 
> Point of all of this - I feel your pain.


It's nice to talk to someone in the same boat! It's been that tough for me it's actually helped fuel panic attacks, depression, you name it but I am slowly pulling myself back together. One thing which I find has worked over the last day or so which she hates but I don't care is to simply stop giving a damn about anyone else apart from yourself, and to stop caring what she or anyone else thinks. I almost immediately feel like I have more energy, and I think I will do this now until I plan my exit which I will do.

We don't have kids, but she is desperate for them and with a father in law who is manipulative, controlling and a big baby I couldn't think of anything worse, to be honest I shouldn't of got married I thought things would change I thought I could fix this, but how wrong I was.

Yeah my father in law is exactly the same, he eats like a pig, drinks too much and spends most of his time on the couch, my wife sometimes falls into this trap but I like to keep myself healthy and active and I am not going to turn into some fat couch potato, no thank you. 

I guess you can't control anything in life other than your own life right? That's what I am starting to realise and that's partly the reason I am disconnecting just to get my old self back, I'm sick of being someone I am not, and the psychological that and an abusive relationship comes with. The worst part is when I am like I am now which is to think "EFF IT!" my wife gets REALLY angry and will not leave me alone asking what's wrong, it's like I can't breathe and have to behave and act how she wants me too. I am not saying I turn into a jerk or anything like that, I guess I just emotionally detach myself for my own safety and sanity, and the more I do this the more I feel my own self worth (something that's not existed for a very long time) and confidence slowly start to build.

I know you have family mate but no one is more important than yourself. I think kids in an abusive relationship or one with a bad dynamic would be effected just as bad if you stayed together and unhappy compared to divorced parents in which you are who you want to be, you're free, you are happy, and you want to share that with your children. Unfortunately we can't control life, so I guess sometimes you just have to left go.

My problem is I have been saying this for years and doing nothing about it like a wimp, but this time I really want too, however I want to be strong within myself so in order to do this I will likely stay with her for a few months, get myself together self-esteem, confidence, and self-worth wise, and then plan my exit. It's not the grass is greener syndrome either, I literally couldn't think of anything worse than getting into any other relationship, I just want the old, care free, confident, relaxed me back someone who hasn't been around ever since I got into this 12 year relationship. 

Is she emotionally eating? I find my wife does that, she complains about putting weight on but I tell her well don't eat then and she's just always hungry, she's following in the footsteps of my stupid father in law, but I refuse to be like that so I go running every morning, probably because i'm scared to death of turning into him!!!!


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## MenMarsWomenVenus (Nov 16, 2015)

P.S. — I feel an awful lot of guilt you know. I mean I really care about my wife, but I just don't like her at all. I hate to see her hurt and upset but I am completely miserable and our relationship has been very toxic and abusive, it's really not healthy for either of us.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

MenMarsWomenVenus said:


> It's nice to talk to someone in the same boat! It's been that tough for me it's actually helped fuel panic attacks, depression, you name it but I am slowly pulling myself back together. One thing which I find has worked over the last day or so which she hates but I don't care is to simply stop giving a damn about anyone else apart from yourself, and to stop caring what she or anyone else thinks. I almost immediately feel like I have more energy, and I think I will do this now until I plan my exit which I will do.
> 
> We don't have kids, but she is desperate for them and with a father in law who is manipulative, controlling and a big baby I couldn't think of anything worse, to be honest I shouldn't of got married I thought things would change I thought I could fix this, but how wrong I was.
> 
> ...


Don't have kids with her - that will make things a million times worse. My wife will say that she wants to eat right, then I find her snacking on things. 

In our case, she'll complain that I don't talk to her, which is true. I really don't have a whole lot to say, and talking to her is like talking to a 13 year old girl, and if I say anything she doesn't like, she gets mad. I just don't bother telling her if anything is bothering me because in my mind it's not worth the effort (not the right way to go, but it's my default position). 

I do feel for you - it's rough being with someone that you'd rather not be with. It's sad that when I go home, I look forward to seeing the kids and not her, and it's sad that I don't like going places with her. I'd rather just take the kids and go somewhere fun to play and run without Mommy there being mad about the parking spot that I picked, we're walking too fast, kids are whiny, etc.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

You guys need to man up. I have two kids, 6 and 4, and I left my wife. I had a horrible marriage for the past 8 years. Fights, no intimacy, no sex, no nothing. Just roommates. We both hated each other. After I left, she went to therapy and now thinks she's fixed and we can work stuff out. Nope! Too little too late. 

Now that gravy train has ended, she has to start working full time. I'm going to get 50% custody of my kids, so she'll see them 50% just like me. Reality has set in and she still hints at reconciling, which is laughable. Sure I'll still have to pay $600/m in child support, but it's so worth it! I should be divorced in a few months and $10k in attorneys later. I'll lose about $80K of assets, but I'll make it up quickly once our finances are completely separate. Been dating an amazing woman for a few months and life is the best it's been for me. 

Life is too short to be miserable!


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

GuyInColorado said:


> You guys need to man up. I have two kids, 6 and 4, and I left my wife. I had a horrible marriage for the past 8 years. Fights, no intimacy, no sex, no nothing. Just roommates. We both hated each other. After I left, she went to therapy and now thinks she's fixed and we can work stuff out. Nope! Too little too late.
> 
> Now that gravy train has ended, she has to start working full time. I'm going to get 50% custody of my kids, so she'll see them 50% just like me. Reality has set in and she still hints at reconciling, which is laughable. Sure I'll still have to pay $600/m in child support, but it's so worth it! I should be divorced in a few months and $10k in attorneys later. I'll lose about $80K of assets, but I'll make it up quickly once our finances are completely separate. Been dating an amazing woman for a few months and life is the best it's been for me.
> 
> Life is too short to be miserable!


We don't fight - we just don't talk about anything. Said it before, we just don't have a whole lot to discuss besides the kids and I have trouble relating to someone who is proud that she acts like a teenager. Like you, however, we're just roommates - no sex or anything. Not sure that we hate each other, but I know for me that I really don't like her, and I feel horrible that I feel that way. If I knew that I'd get full custody of the kids, I'd file yesterday. 

You also make a good point on the finances - someone told me once that two can live as cheaply as one. However, that assumes that one party doesn't think that because they make $X, then can thus spend $X. 

It is frustrating when I'm out with the kids and I see both parents with their kid(s) playing, walking, etc. I don't want my wife with us as I don't want to deal with her complaining about everything, and that's sad.


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## MenMarsWomenVenus (Nov 16, 2015)

GuyInColorado said:


> You guys need to man up. I have two kids, 6 and 4, and I left my wife. I had a horrible marriage for the past 8 years. Fights, no intimacy, no sex, no nothing. Just roommates. We both hated each other. After I left, she went to therapy and now thinks she's fixed and we can work stuff out. Nope! Too little too late.
> 
> Now that gravy train has ended, she has to start working full time. I'm going to get 50% custody of my kids, so she'll see them 50% just like me. Reality has set in and she still hints at reconciling, which is laughable. Sure I'll still have to pay $600/m in child support, but it's so worth it! I should be divorced in a few months and $10k in attorneys later. I'll lose about $80K of assets, but I'll make it up quickly once our finances are completely separate. Been dating an amazing woman for a few months and life is the best it's been for me.
> 
> Life is too short to be miserable!


It's not just a case of manning up, last time I wanted to leave my wife pulled a huge kitchen knife out, this is pretty tricky and serious so initially I need to just detach myself and build my confidence up, get me affairs in order and then get out. I don't know why she pulled the knife i think she was wanting to hurt herself, but to me it felt like another form of control, it's though i'm not going to lie, i wish i could be like see you later but with a house full of stuff and a woman who is seriously off the rails and hurt I can't just pack a car and be like see you later, well not yet at least.


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## MenMarsWomenVenus (Nov 16, 2015)

ChargingCharlie said:


> We don't fight - we just don't talk about anything. Said it before, we just don't have a whole lot to discuss besides the kids and I have trouble relating to someone who is proud that she acts like a teenager. Like you, however, we're just roommates - no sex or anything. Not sure that we hate each other, but I know for me that I really don't like her, and I feel horrible that I feel that way. If I knew that I'd get full custody of the kids, I'd file yesterday.
> 
> You also make a good point on the finances - someone told me once that two can live as cheaply as one. However, that assumes that one party doesn't think that because they make $X, then can thus spend $X.
> 
> It is frustrating when I'm out with the kids and I see both parents with their kid(s) playing, walking, etc. I don't want my wife with us as I don't want to deal with her complaining about everything, and that's sad.


Neither do we mate! All we talk about is what's for tea, or how was your day, there is no connection left at all and like you I am just bored of small talk, I want connection and real intimacy.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

MenMarsWomenVenus said:


> It's not just a case of manning up, last time I wanted to leave my wife pulled a huge kitchen knife out, this is pretty tricky and serious so initially I need to just detach myself and build my confidence up, get me affairs in order and then get out. I don't know why she pulled the knife i think she was wanting to hurt herself, but to me it felt like another form of control, it's though i'm not going to lie, i wish i could be like see you later but with a house full of stuff and a woman who is seriously off the rails and hurt I can't just pack a car and be like see you later, well not yet at least.


But you ARE manning up!  By detaching and finally paying attention to YOURSELF and doing what is best for you. I get so tired of all the threads here on TAM from men who are as you say, YES men, doormat nice guys to their ungrateful, overbearing, b!tchy wives! It really is very sad to see how these men have lost all sense of their manliness and who they are as they continue to kiss the wife's ass. 

So may I just say GOOD FOR YOU!!


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## MenMarsWomenVenus (Nov 16, 2015)

3Xnocharm said:


> But you ARE manning up!  By detaching and finally paying attention to YOURSELF and doing what is best for you. I get so tired of all the threads here on TAM from men who are as you say, YES men, doormat nice guys to their ungrateful, overbearing, b!tchy wives! It really is very sad to see how these men have lost all sense of their manliness and who they are as they continue to kiss the wife's ass.
> 
> So may I just say GOOD FOR YOU!!


Thanks, that means a lot! Last night I went for a run and then stayed out most of the night just to avoid her as I can't handle the stress it kills me. Tonight I will likely do the same just before she gets home, and even just by doing this I feel as though I am calming down, taking things into my own hands and refusing to be manipulated or controlled by her childish temper tantrums, outbursts, or anger.

I just want out now, and she can't control where I go or what I do if I am not here most of the time when she is, so I guess that's what I need to do. Even if she does say sorry which she will not then the same is likely to happen where she says I am not being myself, but I am just so very very done that I don't care anymore, simple as that.

Thanks for the nice words!


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

OK so you got to hear some nice words. But here are some not so nice words. Be a man - NOW! If life with her is so bad, then leave, don't set a time frame other than ASAP! What is going to happen in a couple of weeks or a couple of months that she won't pull a big knife out then? Get your stuff together and get moving. Your resolve to leave is nothing without the action it takes to make it happen.
PS I was a YES man. I tried to do everything I thought she wanted, but in the end it didn't matter. Because guess what? Once they have what they need, they no longer need you anyways. So leave with your integrity intact before that happens.


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## MenMarsWomenVenus (Nov 16, 2015)

Yeah you're completely right. The tricky part is the house she will not move out, so I am bit stuck with that? Also living with her she's just going to be angry 24/7 and hurt and I find it hard to deal with, just the thought of her coming home tonight made me feel terrible, shaky, and all over the place.

I can't deal with the meltdowns and I've a feeling it may have only just begun. I also work from home which is a problem for me as I have all my stuff in the house. I'm going to go and see a lawyer either this week or next week to find out where I stand.


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## MenMarsWomenVenus (Nov 16, 2015)

How do you mean once they have what they need? What are you referring too exactly?


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

MenMarsWomenVenus said:


> Neither do we mate! All we talk about is what's for tea, or how was your day, there is no connection left at all and like you I am just bored of small talk, I want connection and real intimacy.


Hell, we barely talk about that. Our talk is mostly regarding the kids - I have little interest in talking to her anymore - all I get is immaturity and nagging (as stated, I can't even drive the car without her getting on my case about where to park). She decides that she wants to spend money to buy something, and when I ask how much it costs, she gets extremely defensive and reminds me that she has a job and can buy what she wants, and doesn't need my permission. 

I don't even go anywhere without the kids anymore - she goes out with friends, and I encourage that as that gives me a break. I also take the kids to various fun places without her under the auspices of giving her a break, when it's actually more giving me a break. I don't complain when I have the kids all day, whereas she'll let the world know that she's had the kids for a few hours by herself. 

Total burnout - beyond caring anymore. As I told you before, good that you don't have kids with her.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

MenMarsWomenVenus said:


> How do you mean once they have what they need? What are you referring too exactly?


Kids, big house, etc.


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## MenMarsWomenVenus (Nov 16, 2015)

Yeah true, I bought her the big dream house and it made eff all difference!!! You should do some bloke things by the sounds of it to get yourself away from her, I've started running recently, swimming, playing poker at the casino just anything to get away from this woman and it's amazing because what you realise is that decent people actually exist out there and not every human being is a manipulative, controlling abusive psycho like yours Mrs!!!


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

MenMarsWomenVenus said:


> How do you mean once they have what they need? What are you referring too exactly?


After they have sucked all the life out of you, you are disposable. I did it for 24 years. I gave everything of myself to the relationship, but apparently it wasn't enough because despite being a loving, devoted and faithful husband who sacrificed for her, her career, our family, our home and everything else, once she decided that SHE was done, that was it. End of story, no discussion. 
I was miserable living for everybody else, just like you are. I take full blame for NOT doing what I should have done years ago when she told me she "didn't even think about it (having sex with me) because she was just too busy" or when she told me "do whatever you have to, I don't want to know" when I was facing up to that point the worst decision I ever had to make, filing bankruptcy because of the mortgage meltdown or... I could go on an on, but you get the point. I was there to provide and as long as I provided for her, and demanded nothing in return that was okay. Once she got what she wanted or needed, and I was no longer needed to provide - then it was "Adios, Mother F*cker!" 
It has taken me over 18 months to begin to regain my sense of who I am.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Ynot said:


> After they have sucked all the life out of you, you are disposable. I did it for 24 years. I gave everything of myself to the relationship, but apparently it wasn't enough because despite being a loving, devoted and faithful husband who sacrificed for her, her career, our family, our home and everything else, once she decided that SHE was done, that was it. End of story, no discussion.
> I was miserable living for everybody else, just like you are. I take full blame for NOT doing what I should have done years ago when she told me she "didn't even think about it (having sex with me) because she was just too busy" or when she told me "do whatever you have to, I don't want to know" when I was facing up to that point the worst decision I ever had to make, filing bankruptcy because of the mortgage meltdown or... I could go on an on, but you get the point. I was there to provide and as long as I provided for her, and demanded nothing in return that was okay. Once she got what she wanted or needed, and I was no longer needed to provide - then it was "Adios, Mother F*cker!"
> It has taken me over 18 months to begin to regain my sense of who I am.


Totally get the part about full blame - as we all know, blame goes to all sides. In my case, I take full blame for not standing up to her and telling her to knock it off when she'd go ballistic on me about parking spots, cleaning kids, etc. I did let her have it a couple of times and it worked, but that's not my personality. Plus as mentioned, she's mentally a teenager, and we all know how teenage girls are when they don't get their way. 

I see other couples when we're out somewhere, and I always wonder if the wife throws a fit because the husband didn't park in the spot that she wanted - I'm guessing no. I let it go on way too long in my effort to be a nice guy. Leo Durocher was right - nice guys finish last.


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## MenMarsWomenVenus (Nov 16, 2015)

Do you know what's ironic? My wife does exactly the same with the parking spaces and it drives me mad, the problem I have is to put her in her place I would have the be a raging maniac screaming as loud as you can and that's just not me!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

MenMarsWomenVenus said:


> Do you know what's ironic? My wife does exactly the same with the parking spaces and it drives me mad, the problem I have is to put her in her place I would have the be a raging maniac screaming as loud as you can and that's just not me!


Hell I used to go through that with my ex husband too! I hated going anywhere with him because EVERYTHING including parking was an ordeal.


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## MenMarsWomenVenus (Nov 16, 2015)

The thing I hate the most is if something isn't done my wife's way it's wrong and there is hell to pay! It would be nice for some to respect my opinion on something for once!


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

*Deidre* said:


> I honestly don't believe in marriage counseling, because it seems like a waste of time. You have been bending over backwards for someone who doesn't respect or appreciate you, how is counseling going to resolve this? Life's too short to be with the wrong person, doing the wrong things, for all the wrong reasons. Hope you find your way out of this, or through this. ((hug))


Holy crap! There is actually another person on here that believes marriage counseling is a waste of time! I wouldn't have thought that possible.


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## MenMarsWomenVenus (Nov 16, 2015)

Just the same as her stupid dad!!!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

@MenMarsWomenVenus , you might want to stick to one thread for your issues, opening several makes it hard for folks to keep track of what advice you have already been given.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

jb02157 said:


> Holy crap! There is actually another person on here that believes marriage counseling is a waste of time! I wouldn't have thought that possible.


lol Of all the married couples I've either heard about through the grapevine or direct friends of mine who have gone through marriage counseling, it just seems overrated. Most of the couples still ended up separating or divorcing. It boils down to if you want to fix your marriage, you will. A ''counselor'' sounds like little more than a facilitator for open and honest discussion. lol Find a good friend you trust to be a mediator between your partner and you, and offer to buy them dinner or something. Cheaper in the long run, and probably will yield the same effects, or maybe better. lol

Or a person should just cut his/her losses, admit he/she married a jerk, and end it. Counseling won't correct bad character, or cure narcissism.


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## MenMarsWomenVenus (Nov 16, 2015)

I'm really angry this morning. As some of you may know I haven't spoken to my wife for about 3 days now which is the longest ever in a 12 year relationship. The reason for this is in my first post and for once I have stopped being a yes man and a complete door matt, just for my own sanity as I have had huge problems. I'm really angry this morning and she wants to sort out the arrangements and is acting casual like we're working out who has what for lunch. Yes, this is what I want don't get me wrong but it's leaving me completely confused, it's like I have been living a lie for years and the thing I am most angry about is the fact she's never had the balls to tell me this is what she wanted all along, I mean I am also left wondering if these paranoid suspicions I had about her having an affair are true. Can a woman who is most likely a narcissist be this clinical and this cold, and pretend all along that she was happy? I was just married to a complete lie wasn't I? I am left in yet another state of confusion.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

MMWV, to answer your last question - the answer is yes. A woman can be just like that. Someone told me back at the beginning of my divorce that she is several miles down the road from you. She has already made up her mind and is very unlikely to even glance over her shoulder as you yell for her to wait up. She is already gone. To her now it is just dealing with the logistics and technical issues, all of the emotional and personal issues have already been handled (in her mind).

When my ex left, I begged her (I know big mistake) to come back and sort out the 25 years of life we had accumulated together. She really couldn't be bothered. She had work stuff or had "promised a friend to help her with some event" or just wasn't available. She stopped answering her phone, claiming it had died. She stopped responding to texts, etc, etc.
The one and only time I got any sort of emotional response from her was when I suggested we include her 1 year old paid in full car and her 401k in the dissolution settlement. She was so angry! She was seething, screaming "if you try to **** me out my retirement there will be NOTHING between us, ever!". I was in my own fog of hoping for a reconciliation and gave in. But in the end it didn't matter - there is now NOTHING between us.

Try to turn your anger into resolve and action. Keep taking steps to get out with your dignity and integrity intact.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

*Deidre* said:


> lol Of all the married couples I've either heard about through the grapevine or direct friends of mine who have gone through marriage counseling, it just seems overrated. Most of the couples still ended up separating or divorcing. It boils down to if you want to fix your marriage, you will. A ''counselor'' sounds like little more than a facilitator for open and honest discussion. lol Find a good friend you trust to be a mediator between your partner and you, and offer to buy them dinner or something. Cheaper in the long run, and probably will yield the same effects, or maybe better. lol
> 
> Or a person should just cut his/her losses, admit he/she married a jerk, and end it. Counseling won't correct bad character, or cure narcissism.


I definitely agree with you. I've been through the process and know that it doesn't work and, like you say, I know dozens of others who have also gone through it and gained absolutely nothing. All it is, again like you say, is a facilitator for discussion. The rest is left up to you. If you want change and to fix things you will be motivated to do so and if you don't care you won't...simple. Those that say it worked for them probably did most of the work themselves, read the books did the homework and wanted the process to work. There is usually one of the two who isn't motivated at all and that screws everything up. 

The problem with friends getting involved this that they most of the time won't want to do it or they are afraid they will take sides. I still say the best way to approach this is to sit down and talk and figure it out for yourselves. The results is usually the same .


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## MenMarsWomenVenus (Nov 16, 2015)

Ok so my wife is downstairs crying because she knows this is final. I am not sure what to do, I used to comfort her and then we would work it all out and I would just carry on wishing for things to change, but this time I can't, I want to leave. What do I do during these very difficult times when we are under the same roof and have just split up and she's highly emotional?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

MenMarsWomenVenus said:


> Ok so my wife is downstairs crying because she knows this is final. I am not sure what to do, I used to comfort her and then we would work it all out and I would just carry on wishing for things to change, but this time I can't, I want to leave. What do I do during these very difficult times when we are under the same roof and have just split up and she's highly emotional?


Spend time out of the house, if you can…find time at home doing things. It is what it is, and she will have to accept it one way or the other. She will be emotional, that’s to be expected, but you can be kind while living there but I wouldn’t feed into ongoing exhausting emotional discussions. It’s over, and she will have to learn to accept it. I’d be looking for a place to move out to, asap though. Good luck to you. ((hug))


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

jb02157 said:


> I definitely agree with you. I've been through the process and know that it doesn't work and, like you say, I know dozens of others who have also gone through it and gained absolutely nothing. All it is, again like you say, is a facilitator for discussion. The rest is left up to you. If you want change and to fix things you will be motivated to do so and if you don't care you won't...simple. Those that say it worked for them probably did most of the work themselves, read the books did the homework and wanted the process to work. There is usually one of the two who isn't motivated at all and that screws everything up.
> 
> The problem with friends getting involved this that they most of the time won't want to do it or they are afraid they will take sides. I still say the best way to approach this is to sit down and talk and figure it out for yourselves. The results is usually the same .


Benefits the counselors' wallets lol


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## Outside Again (Feb 1, 2016)

MenMarsWomenVenus said:


> Ok so my wife is downstairs crying because she knows this is final. I am not sure what to do, I used to comfort her and then we would work it all out and I would just carry on wishing for things to change, but this time I can't, I want to leave. What do I do during these very difficult times when we are under the same roof and have just split up and she's highly emotional?


If it were me, I'd try to stay in a different room as much as possible from where she is. Sleep in a different room from now on to. 

I feel like I'm in your situation sort of, just not at this part of it. Best of luck man.


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## philreag (Apr 2, 2015)

Ynot said:


> MMWV, to answer your last question - the answer is yes. A woman can be just like that. Someone told me back at the beginning of my divorce that she is several miles down the road from you. She has already made up her mind and is very unlikely to even glance over her shoulder as you yell for her to wait up. She is already gone. To her now it is just dealing with the logistics and technical issues, all of the emotional and personal issues have already been handled (in her mind).
> 
> When my ex left, I begged her (I know big mistake) to come back and sort out the 25 years of life we had accumulated together. She really couldn't be bothered. She had work stuff or had "promised a friend to help her with some event" or just wasn't available. She stopped answering her phone, claiming it had died. She stopped responding to texts, etc, etc.
> The one and only time I got any sort of emotional response from her was when I suggested we include her 1 year old paid in full car and her 401k in the dissolution settlement. She was so angry! She was seething, screaming "if you try to **** me out my retirement there will be NOTHING between us, ever!". I was in my own fog of hoping for a reconciliation and gave in. But in the end it didn't matter - there is now NOTHING between us.
> ...



Yup. What he said. My STBXW was long gone while I was still trying and hoping, getting thrown a morsel of hope every now and then. 

After 3 months of a hard 180 my self esteem and balls are growing daily. 

Now I get to deal with divorce. F**K.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> Hell I used to go through that with my ex husband too! I hated going anywhere with him because EVERYTHING including parking was an ordeal.


Yep, and that's sad. I recall going to the grocery store a few years ago when the kids were still babies - we turned a corner in the lot and as I was turning into a spot on the left (drivers side which I obviously saw first) she saw one on her side, and went absolutely nuclear on me when I parked in my spot. You don't listen to me, we need to get a divorce, etc etc etc. A little bit better now but still an ordeal - I need to ask her if she was this way with her ex - that will certainly go over well.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

MenMarsWomenVenus said:


> Do you know what's ironic? My wife does exactly the same with the parking spaces and it drives me mad, the problem I have is to put her in her place I would have the be a raging maniac screaming as loud as you can and that's just not me!


Is your wife insecure? Mine is and IMO this explains how she acts toward me. She takes out her insecurities on me - if anyone else is driving the car, she's fine, but if it's me, park one spot over and it's the end of the world.


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## MenMarsWomenVenus (Nov 16, 2015)

Wife is having a breakdown in the house what do I do please help? She's crying uncontrollably


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Married but Happy said:


> I suggest you find and read "No More Mr. Nice Guy." It can be found as a free download, or for a modest price on Amazon.
> 
> It's a mistake to be something you're not. Be yourself, even if she doesn't like it. It's not wrong to please others, but be sure that is pleasing to you as well, and never give up what you want or who you are for someone else. It's NEVER appreciated.


It's a nice thought, but one can fight crazy for just so long.


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## MenMarsWomenVenus (Nov 16, 2015)

Anyone on my question above?


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## MenMarsWomenVenus (Nov 16, 2015)

She said she wanted to die, I don't think this is direct manipulation but before it's worked to get me to stay and to come to her needs but I can't anymore. I feel terrible to see her in so much pain, but she needs to understand that I have made my decision and our time has run its course. I am very scared about what she may do as last time I wanted to leave she grabbed a large knife from the kitchen. I am being as calm as I possibly can and just giving her the space in the house to come to terms with it on her own, without me. Is this the correct thing to do? I'm worried for my safety and hers however she hasn't grabbed a knife again or anything yet so until that point (which I pray never happens) I just want to be very calm, relaxed, and not emotional at all.

Is this the right way to handle things? Tomorrow I will suggest she goes to stay at her parents where she can get some support because living under the same roof isn't doing any good for either of us.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

MenMarsWomenVenus said:


> Anyone on my question above?


Don't do anything. She is trying to manipulate you. If you are as unhappy as you say. You need to start to detach. If nothing else, she willstart to realize you won't be pushed around anymore and start acting like an adult for a change.


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## MenMarsWomenVenus (Nov 16, 2015)

Ynot said:


> Don't do anything. She is trying to manipulate you. If you are as unhappy as you say. You need to start to detach. If nothing else, she willstart to realize you won't be pushed around anymore and start acting like an adult for a change.


Thanks for the reply, yeah I think you are right with this. She was crying uncontrollably downstairs, something she has done many times, and then she runs off to another room where I used to follow her to make sure she was ok.

This time I just washed a few pots, offered her a tissue and a glass of water and went back upstairs. She is still downstairs but the crying has stopped completely so I do think it was an attempt to manipulate me. I am worried what she will try next, I hope she leaves soon.


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## MenMarsWomenVenus (Nov 16, 2015)

Do manipulators know what they are doing, because if so I feel like a complete fool falling for this BS constantly over the years just so she can get her own way? What a waste of the last 10 years of my life! I can't wait to be set free now, I want it more than anything, I don't know why it took my almost 6 years - well it's probably because she's an abusive and highly manipulative nut case, that's why


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## MenMarsWomenVenus (Nov 16, 2015)

invisibleman said:


> Kinda harsh to dump her cause you chose to pretend to be someone your not for 12 years. Maybe tell her your frustration and give her a chance to accept the real you.


That's not just the case, it's been an abusive relationship, no respect, no trust, it's just empty. I haven't explained the full story


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## MenMarsWomenVenus (Nov 16, 2015)

invisibleman said:


> sorry to hear your situation. Don't be hard on yourself. It's not wrong to trust someone you love. Will be easier if you can handle with a clear head. Good luck.


I've been a complete mug looking back, this woman I fell in love with and gave my life too has just taken me for a ride all along. I don't know if she's sick in the head or what but it's all crystal clear now and it's been that bad it gave me depression, an anxiety disorder, and PTSD for almost 5 years which I am now recovering from and finally getting my life back together.

I'm still in shock though. Someone I fell in love with (who was fake) and exists only 2% of the time now has tricked me for almost 12 years can you believe that? How can someone be so cruel and evil, and the weird thing is (yes this is weird and freaky) that one day I looked in her eyes about 2 years ago and experienced an evil feeling so bad I had to excuse myself and run to the bathroom. At the time I passed it off as anxiety which it may be, but who knows you know maybe I was seeing this complete b*tch for all that she is and all that's she done to me, she destroyed me and put me rock bottom for nearly 5 years.

Only recently I am slowly starting to rebuild my life, but I just can't believe these kind of people exist?????


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## MenMarsWomenVenus (Nov 16, 2015)

Today I am struggling, looking back I can see I was angry hence why the post before this one is so emotional.

The last week has been really good, I've felt free and my confidence has been growing more importantly my anxiety disorder has diminished.

Today it's hit me I can't stop crying, and I feel upset about everything. I spent a week convincing myself I was making the right decision but today I wonder if I am over reacting, yet I know I couldn't handle how my wife treats me.

My parents have got too involved telling me I can't live in a big house on my own so I kindly told them the financial matters are not really any of there business and I just need emotional support.

Is it normal to be ok one day and crying the next and then to start questioning and going back and forth?


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