# at odds



## oceanbreeze (Oct 8, 2007)

Hello, 

I am at odds. Next year I was planning to get married to my fiance. The problem is that I am also the other caretaker of my youngest sibling. Two of my middle sisters cause deep problems by not listening or doing their part. 

The second sister was raped by a guy we i.e. the WHOLE family and my fiance and friends told her to stay away from. She did not listen. Now she is going crazy and paying into Psychics from across the United States (we live in California and she's in Florida) and so far has wired to her $1000. Today she will be wiring another $1000 to her. This money was taken from the rent money that my mom saved up and partially for my youngest sister's birthday who will be 16 in two weeks and we barely had much to survive. In addition, after my mom naively gave my sister the check, she deposited right away leaving my mom's checks to bounce. I gave my mom all the money I had left from my checking, leaving 15 dollars, and from my visa card which is maxed now to 1500. Even though I can empathize to her situation, she is depriving the family at monetary costs. 

My third sister has mental problems (multiple diagnoses) and also has been raped by the same guy for 2 years in all holes. Each day she fights my mom and tells her the gruesome details. Last night she acted out and I had to call the cops. They put her on a 51/50 at the hospital ( a hold for 3 days...which usually ends up being extended for 2 weeks). The problem with her is that I do not trust her because she comes in contact with many predators (they follow her through the streets and sexually touch her-many police reports taken...etc). Along the way she allows them to see our baby sister's photos in her phone and/or camera putting her in danger. I feel that she is trying to set up my baby sister and I have discussed this with my mom and the baby sister. 

My biggest concern is that I am not able to move forward in life into a marriage when I have family problems.

On top of that, my fiance's family are all sneakily trying to fight me off to NOT marry him. They tell him things and put things in his head and the next thing you know, he's upset and does not know what to do except tell me what they said. 

Yesterday it was so much, I seeked help and got a prescription for Atovan...but had not taken it yet, since somehow I do not trust to sleep soundly. 

My question is how can I move forward in life if I still have my familial duties to take care of? 

My mom is a single mom and always has been even when they were married...so my father is not involved in any way if any of you are wondering about him. 

My one idea is that I do get married and take my sister in, but it will prolong my dream of even going to a graduate school at all. I may also need to hold off onto that and besides...I had such loooooooooooooooooow GRE scores, that I do not even know if being accepted is even an option! 

Any advice is DEFINITELY appreciated!!!


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

First there are always jr colleges that will accept you no matter what your scores. Second try to adopt your sister if you feel she is in danger and get the heck out of the area.

draconis


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I have a pretty messed up family too. You're going to have to learn to set boundaries with them. There is some legitimacy with your fiancé's family warning him not to marry you. i know that sounds harsh but you have extremely poor boundaries. 

My brother is an alcoholic who likes to cut himself up when he's drunk. Of course he's also out of money. Would i ever send him a dime? not a chance. I wont talk to him when he's drinking, and i dont pick up the phone after certain hours. Is it really hard? ya, its extremely hard. If he calls in the middle of the night he could very well be bleeding to death. 

My older sister is loonytoons. She's on all kinds of anti psychotic med's. I do not play in to her antics. If she calls me in one of her fits I remind her she's being ridiculous and if she doesnt cut it out i will call the police. does it piss her off? you bet. i also do not answer the phone with her after certain hours. And i let her know how her behavior affects me.

My mom spends her entire income bailing them out of the messes they make. I dont get in the middle of that either. that's her choice. its a stupid choice in my opinion, but i dont talk about it with her.

You're going to have to make a choice. Either you stay married to this chaos you are in, or you start to set firm boundaries. Never send anyone in your family another dime. Do not take your sister in. dont talk about the rapes or any of that with them ever again. You will feel guilty and mean at first. But if you dont set these boundaries you'll continue to whine, you're life will mirror the chaos of theirs, your marriage will fail, and you will never have a safe environment to raise kids in. You cannot have a happy life with your fiance if you continue to be so involved in all the drama. And if he's wise he wont marry into it without knowing you can separate from it. 

The drama in your family will never stop. but you have a choice to stop it in your own life.


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## oceanbreeze (Oct 8, 2007)

Thank you both so much! 

Ijtseng: Yes both my sisters are loony as well and i do set up boundaries...but I think they are trying to push that wall down and they are definitely working on my mom. 

I've just talked to my mom so things are planning. My 3rd sis will be put away and we are pushing it that the doctors sign for a conservatorship by the doctors. We are setting it up that somehow my 2nd sister will live with her friend and work to pay part of her rent and food and living. 

Draconis: As for me, it is discussed that I will apply to many schools and see where I get in. I have finished jr. college and am working now to finish this semester in state college and hoping to go the next step, despite financial struggle, but I will work my best to survive with the fiance.


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## oceanbreeze (Oct 8, 2007)

"And if he's wise he wont marry into it without knowing you can separate from it."

Ijtseng, if you could please elaborate on this because I felt this is key and that I received the gist of it. Thank you!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

oceanbreeze said:


> "And if he's wise he wont marry into it without knowing you can separate from it."
> 
> Ijtseng, if you could please elaborate on this because I felt this is key and that I received the gist of it. Thank you!


what i meant basically, is that you cannot separate from it and he should wait until you get your head on straight. Here's a few examples from your original post that show you are not separated from this drama: 



oceanbreeze said:


> I gave my mom all the money I had left from my checking, leaving 15 dollars, and from my visa card which is maxed now to 1500. Even though I can empathize to her situation, she is depriving the family at monetary costs.


HUGE red flag for your fiance. The statement "she is depriving the family at monetary costs" tells me you think she's 'making' you get involved. she is 'making' you lose your money. and b/c you have maxed your credit card and drained your bank account tells me you are far from separated from it all. this is bad.



oceanbreeze said:


> Two of my middle sisters cause deep problems by not listening or doing their part.


You're blaming your siblings for causing problems, when really the only problem is you dont know how to set boundaries to limit their problems in your life. Your sisters are a problem, but you are also part of the problem.



oceanbreeze said:


> I feel that she is trying to set up my baby sister and I have discussed this with my mom and the baby sister.


Your discussing this with your mom and your sister. another sign you cannot separate from this drama. There's no reason you should be talking about this stuff. you just become another part of the problem.



oceanbreeze said:


> Yesterday it was so much, I seeked help and got a prescription for Atovan...but had not taken it yet, since somehow I do not trust to sleep soundly.


Why dont you trust to sleep soundly? If you're saying what i think you're saying, then this is a huge sign that you are way over your head in this. You are so integrated into this mess that your a nervous wreck.



oceanbreeze said:


> My one idea is that I do get married and take my sister in


I'm not sure which sister you are talking about, but both bring home very dangerous and dysfunctional situations. The fact that you even considered this an option tells me you have very poor boundaries.

Your boundaries might be working for you now, but when you're married you'll need every ounce of emotional strength you have to give to your H and kids. He will have to come first. I dont think you are ready to do that, which you've already proved by wanting to bring your sister (the drama) into your marriage.


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## oceanbreeze (Oct 8, 2007)

Thank you IJTseng, you are absolutely right. I keep pondering that of how can I even put any emotional and mental focus on my husband and marital relationship when I would be completely bound by this psycho drama. And thank you for pointing out that I have poor boundaries. I am very much willing to work on it, just need to know how.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

oceanbreeze said:


> And thank you for pointing out that I have poor boundaries. I am very much willing to work on it, just need to know how.


this says a lot about your character. I have never actually had someone thank me for pointing out they have poor boundaries. 

Honestly would not recommend counseling. im not a huge fan of it. i really think it enables and is not focused on change. it just focusing on talking and exacerbating issues. 

so if you are interested in actually changing here are some things i have done that worked for me:

Google "Boundaries with family," "Setting personal boundaries" and read away.

Research different books on boundaries and pick one that suits you. I read a couple by Dr. Cloud and Townsend, and also one by Dr. Phil, but they were marriage oriented. I looked up this one on amazon: Amazon.com: Setting Psychological Boundaries: A Handbook for Women: Anne Cope Wallace: Books and it looks good. But you can do your own looking around to see what suits you.

I also went to Al-anon meetings. its for family and friends of alcoholics but their message helped me so much. I bought a couple of their books. https://ssl.perfora.net/s105607162..../utn1548f2f83352d93/shopdata/index.shopscript You can sift through the books and see what might help you. I was thinking for your situation _Al-Anon’s Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions_ and _In All Our Affairs: Making Crises Work for You_ would be the most helpful.


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## oceanbreeze (Oct 8, 2007)

I will definitely look into these books. Get them at the library since I am a bit broke now. 

Oh yes. Both my parents are children of Alcohol families! Maybe this contributes a pattern of not having boundaries?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

oceanbreeze said:


> Oh yes. Both my parents are children of Alcohol families! Maybe this contributes a pattern of not having boundaries?


Ya it definitely does. My parents came from alcoholic families and even though they didnt drink, they learned the behaviors and passed it on. 

Going to al-anon meetings will help you so much, and they're free. Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen Just find a meeting in your area. Its a very supportive atmosphere with women (mostly) who share similar experiences.


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