# Etiquette questions...



## HorseShowMom

This is my first experience on a forum like this, and I don’t really do social media (aside from sharing pictures with long distance relatives on occasion), so I’m feeling a little out of the loop as far as what’s considered correct or polite. Any clarification would be appreciated 🙂

If I’ve started a thread and have a conversation going about one specific topic, would I be correct or incorrect to post something (for example, asking for advice on another topic within the relationship) in the same thread? Would that warrant a new thread? 

I’m not sure how to respond to individual questions or commentary, and I don’t want to be rude by skipping over some of the more specific queries in favor of the broader topic. What would be the best way to handle that? 

How strict is the separation between topics? I have questions & concerns that span the entire spectrum of available marital subjects, and really don’t want to get myself in trouble for being “off topic” OR post all over the place and annoy the group with a deluge of conversations about how messed up *I* am right now. 

Ultimately, I’m looking for a little guidance on appropriate forum use and how much conversation is *too* much as I try and work through the worst of my abusive relationship and co-parenting through the impending divorce.


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## uhtred

Hello
There are no hard and fast rules. If the issues are all interrelated then posting on the same thread may make sense, but if they are really separate another thread is fine. That said, a new thread is more likely to get responses because people may feel that they have already posted everything they have to say on the old thread and not realized that there is new information there.

Don't worry about posting too much - people read here because they want to read.

One other thing if you are new to forums. While this place is a lot better than average, there are always going to be occasional posters who are rude or hostile - just ignore them. Also remember that you know *far* more about your situation than does anyone reading here, so while advice may be well intentioned it can also be completely wrong. Its good to collect thoughts but you need to make your own decisions. 

I've been reading your other thread and it sounds like you are in an awful situation. 




HorseShowMom said:


> This is my first experience on a forum like this, and I don’t really do social media (aside from sharing pictures with long distance relatives on occasion), so I’m feeling a little out of the loop as far as what’s considered correct or polite. Any clarification would be appreciated 🙂
> 
> If I’ve started a thread and have a conversation going about one specific topic, would I be correct or incorrect to post something (for example, asking for advice on another topic within the relationship) in the same thread? Would that warrant a new thread?
> 
> I’m not sure how to respond to individual questions or commentary, and I don’t want to be rude by skipping over some of the more specific queries in favor of the broader topic. What would be the best way to handle that?
> 
> How strict is the separation between topics? I have questions & concerns that span the entire spectrum of available marital subjects, and really don’t want to get myself in trouble for being “off topic” OR post all over the place and annoy the group with a deluge of conversations about how messed up *I* am right now.
> 
> Ultimately, I’m looking for a little guidance on appropriate forum use and how much conversation is *too* much as I try and work through the worst of my abusive relationship and co-parenting through the impending divorce.


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## Adelais

HorseShowMom said:


> This is my first experience on a forum like this, and I don’t really do social media (aside from sharing pictures with long distance relatives on occasion), so I’m feeling a little out of the loop as far as what’s considered correct or polite. Any clarification would be appreciated 🙂
> 
> If I’ve started a thread and have a conversation going about one specific topic, would I be correct or incorrect to post something (for example, asking for advice on another topic within the relationship) in the same thread? Would that warrant a new thread? If the other topic is very different from the original topic, you might want to start a new thread so that if you want to go back and read the advice again, it is not inside a long thread about the original topic
> 
> I’m not sure how to respond to individual questions or commentary, and I don’t want to be rude by skipping over some of the more specific queries in favor of the broader topic. What would be the best way to handle that? You can quote a person, delete the parts that you aren't addressing, or make bold the parts that you want to address.Then post your answer below the quote, or inside the quote in a different color like I am doing here.
> 
> How strict is the separation between topics? I have questions & concerns that span the entire spectrum of available marital subjects, and really don’t want to get myself in trouble for being “off topic” OR post all over the place and annoy the group with a deluge of conversations about how messed up *I* am right now. If your topics are very different from each other, make new threads for each one. No one minds responding on multiple threads.
> It is annoying, however when someone starts different threads about the same topic.
> 
> Ultimately, I’m looking for a little guidance on appropriate forum use and how much conversation is *too* much as I try and work through the worst of my abusive relationship and co-parenting through the impending divorce.


Some people have threads that have gone on for years. That ceates continuity, and develops the conversations, which evolve within the thread. If you want to respond to a person, and you think it is too personal to have out there for everyone to read, you can send them a private message. Just click on their avatar, and choose "private message." They can then respond back to you via private message. Subjects that you want lots of people to read and comment on are not going to get feedback are best put in your thread and not private message.


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## EleGirl

@uhtred is right, the rules are not hard and fast.

If you are going to use different threads for each question, then make your the thread title reflects your question so that readers will know what the thread is about. IF you have a lot of threads, all with ambiguous titles, people won't know which to read and just stop reading them. Basically make is easy for other members to figure out what you are up to.

For example, you have a thread about problems related to your sex life. Don't start new threads on this topic, just use that one.

Threads that are too long often lose readers because it's too hard to figure out what you and or have not read so the reader gives up. (I man many hundreds/thousands of posts). Lot of little threads are not a problem because context is lost. For example on your thread about sex, is had to go look up your other thread to put what you were saying on that sex life thread in perspective.

There is no fast rule. Post as you want to. If moderators things that you have 2 or more threads on one topic, we will just merge the same-topic threads into one.


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## wilson

I generally prefer it when all the discussions about a particular situation are within one thread. So everything about your marriage--past, present, and future--can be in one thread. I find it easier to follow along that way. If you have questions that are more independent, such as how to encourage your kid to do their homework, that would probably be better as a different thread.

The 'Quote' button at the bottom of the post will include the person's text in your reply. You can edit it down to whatever part you want to reply to. But don't feel like you have to answer each and every question or reply to each person. Answer whatever questions you feel like and reply however you want.


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## Cynthia

I think that topics should be broad in the case of a marriage with multiple issues. That way posters can see how the issues are interrelated and offer insight that you won't get if you have multiple threads. However, if you have a thread that truly is another topic, then go ahead and start something new. For example, you apparently have two threads that sound related. One about general marriage issues and one about sexual abuse. If you had them together, people would get a better idea of what is overall going on, since the two really are related. However, if you wanted to know something specific like how to cook on a budget or what to say to your friend who is asking more questions than you feel comfortable asking, those could easily be new threads that wouldn't damage the context of your marriage thread.

If you want to cover everything in one thread, there are people who will stick with you through that thread and whatever you want to bring up. People often start threads wondering if their spouse is cheating, they find out the spouse is cheating, and the topic of the thread becomes what to do about it. Eventually it may be about reconciliation or divorce. The thing is that people reading the thread and responding have the whole context and are able to response with better insight.

I recommend you stick to one thread regarding your marriage and have the two marriage threads you already have merged. Since you're asking for opinions, that's mine. I don't like to try to follow more than one thread by the same person unless it's about an obviously different topic, otherwise I get confused. lol


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## HorseShowMom

Thanks guys! I seriously cannot express how relieved I am to have found TAM. The feedback I’ve gotten here has already helped in therapy, as I’m able to prioritize issues to address there. I didn’t realize how serious the problems in my marriage had gotten, and I probably wouldn’t realize it now if not for the mostly horrified responses to my initial questions. I feel empowered, I feel hopeful, and for the first time in a very long time, I feel like I’m not completely alone. Again, thank you.


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## uhtred

This is generally a very helpful place. PMs (personal messages) are also a way to get feedback if you don't want to discuss in a large group. I and I think most long term posters are happy to respond to those. 




HorseShowMom said:


> Thanks guys! I seriously cannot express how relieved I am to have found TAM. The feedback I’ve gotten here has already helped in therapy, as I’m able to prioritize issues to address there. I didn’t realize how serious the problems in my marriage had gotten, and I probably wouldn’t realize it now if not for the mostly horrified responses to my initial questions. I feel empowered, I feel hopeful, and for the first time in a very long time, I feel like I’m not completely alone. Again, thank you.


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