# Does being cheated on change who you are?



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I think it does.

I was cheated on by my first real girl friend. I am sure she didn't think it was cheating, but mutual friends knew she had cheated. 

My first long term lover cheated on me with men and women. And then ended our relationship to move a female lover into her home.

I think these experiences, when I was in my early to mid 20s, had negative impacts on my life.

I became somewhat jaded and cynical and I think I probably became less nice as a person, in some ways.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Yes it changes you. It made me into even more of a jerk than I already was.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

LostViking said:


> Yes it changes you. It made me into even more of a jerk than I already was.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ah. You too, huh?

And bear in mind what subsequently happened in my life...


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## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

The affair my ex had has definitely made me a cynical person and I was already one to begin with. I find myself not wanting to let go, for fear that I'll get the same thing again. I can't bring myself to fully love someone because in the back of my mind, I'm waiting on the other shoe to drop. And considering the fact that I'm the one who is having to rebuild my life from scratch and pay child support and the like that she can easily use for her and whatever man she wants to invite over, I seriously doubt that I'll ever get involved in another relationship again. 

Fool me once, shame on her. Fool me twice, well...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

Yes. They take everything that you once thought was good and pure and Sh!t all over it. Even if you clean everything up the stench remains. The thing is that it was all done against your will. I like to think of it like emotional rape.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Of course it did, I'm now a person who does NOT give anyone the benefit of a doubt.
I've been burned by people who were suppose to love me, after those experiences, it does make you question the intentions of strangers.
I keep my eyes open wide, my ears alert & my senses aware of situations that seem "off."
My intuition has been honed with a knife, much to the dismay of past lovers who knew not of my skills.
I can also say, without any hesitation, I will absolutely leave my H if he should cheat on me, with no reconciliation. 
I will NEVER ever again go on in a relationship where I have to 2nd guess everything he does, constantly checking on him & wondering "is he out cheating?"
No way, no how, that is no way to live your life, as much as I love my H, if he cheats, it would show me he does not love me.
I've learned cheaters are not worth my time.


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## TimesOfChange (Mar 20, 2013)

It changed me from this...









Been a very religious selfless man....now a self focused Atheist.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

absolutely Matt, Absolutely!


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Absolutely - seemingly innocent things are no longer innocent. A cell phone call, a text message, a late night at work or canceled appointment _are no longer just that_ but now something more nefarious - like planning an affair with someone. This is what cheaters do - strip you of the ability to see life as it is. You are looking for the hidden agenda beneath everything. And most times there is no hidden agenda. It can be exhausting. :scratchhead:


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Completely agree.

It damaged my faith tremendously. 

In addition, I have no ability now to fully trust anyone. I have become much more introverted and cynical as well. I have also dropped all acquaintances and marginal friends and solely get together with only 2 close friends. 

Now, all that said, I have also looked deep within for faults. I realized I have a habit of taking people for granted, internalizing problems rather than getting them out at the very beginning regardless of whether or not people get upset or if feelings are hurt and I have worked hard on changing all of that.


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## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

Yes, I have changed permanently. I described it to our MC like this: I have been attacked and the wound I stare at is a huge gash in my arm.(figuratively) Yes, in time with the help of a remorseful husband and an insightful doctor the wound has closed, but the scar I look at is a daily reminder of the trauma I have endured. It still pains me everyday. The scar is always going to be there. I get to look at it everyday and ya' know what... it svcks! Forgiveness does not erase the pain & damage.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

brokenhearted118 said:


> Yes, I have changed permanently. I described it to our MC like this: I have been attacked and the wound I stare at is a huge gash in my arm.(figuratively) Yes, in time with the help of a remorseful husband and an insightful doctor the wound has closed, but the scar I look at is a daily reminder of the trauma I have endured. It still pains me everyday. The scar is always going to be there. I get to look at it everyday and ya' know what... it svcks! Forgiveness does not erase the pain & damage.


:iagree::iagree: Many WS do not fully realize this..even if the couple moves on the BS is still scarred - *for life*.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

I find myself assuming all women are cheats - which I know is wrong but it is one of those thoughts that I "catch myself" thinking, then have to consciously correct.

Goodness knows how it will affect me in the long run; it won't be for the better.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

The damaged that my cheating husband inflicted on my soul can never be repaired !!!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Chris989 said:


> I find myself assuming all women are cheats - which I know is wrong but it is one of those thoughts that I "catch myself" thinking, then have to consciously correct.
> 
> Goodness knows how it will affect me in the long run; it won't be for the better.


Sadly, as the three significant loves of my life all cheated on me in one way or another, well... I can see how someone might think like this.

Sorry! I forgot the other girl friend who cheated on me, too. That makes four.

She admitted to someone that: "When she did what she did to me, she made the worst decision of her life, as the man she dumped me for had turned out to be a poor husband and her step children hated her."

I am sorry to say that I found a certain amount of glee in that. And as her husband had cheated on her, this was why she was single, I really failed to understand how she could have cheated on me.:scratchhead:


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Sadly, as the three significant loves of my life all cheated on me in one way or another, well... I can see how someone might think like this.


3 times? 

Did each episode of cheating change you? Or was it just the first one?


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## jenglenn (Jan 31, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> I think it does.
> 
> I was cheated on by my first real girl friend. I am sure she didn't think it was cheating, but mutual friends knew she had cheated.
> 
> ...




It has changed me. Trust has been lost now for my ex and probably anyone else. I am learning I can only trust God. In that respect I have changed for the better. As far as relationships...they have lost importance to me.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> 3 times?
> 
> Did each episode of cheating change you? Or was it just the first one?


Actually, it was four times. Heck! Was it me? Was I so easy to cheat on? 

Why? Why did it happen to me so many times?:scratchhead:

Self-doubt, more cynical, less nice. That's me!

Each one hurt in its own way, adding a little more to the overall effect.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Yes, once cheated on you now have a life of Triggers which can occur at anytime.

Today for instance, in a talk with my Daughter-In-Law she stated that my son was at sometimes holds a grudge, does not forget a slight. My wife stated she gets it from his father. BOOM Trigger.

Never held a grudge, ie will forgive but will not forget, until I went through the Hell that a lot of us know about.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Yes Matt 

It hurts me to say it but I'm not as nice a person as I was. I can feel it. Less patient, less sensitive, less willing to listen to other people, less giving, less generous ......I just don't care it seems 

I've also been cheated on by my two last major relationships both serial cheats but this last one really has done it for me 

The earlier one I kind of knew what I was getting into and it was no major surprise when she started all her shvt but this last one 15 years of giving, ten years married, two lovely kids but a damaged woman etc etc I really invested my whole being, my soul into it and I've sadly come out of it extremely bitter and with no intention of trusting any woman ever again

I'm not as nice...but frankly I'm not that worried as most of the world around me seems to be selfish and just take what they want no matter who it hurts 

Looks like I've sadly joined the 'real world'


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## FLGator (Mar 26, 2013)

Yes here also. I simply just lost the ability to trust. About the only people I trust are my children and the oldest is 6. That tells you something. 

I question a lot more and instead of taking things for face value, I just try to find the lie now, or the omission. That was a big one for me. My wife "omitted" things. Not outright lying, but the ultimate dance around truths. To me, that was misleading, which in turn I feel is lying.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Absolutely - fundamentally. It changes you and it changes how you view/relate/interact with others. I cannot fathom being "in love" or giving myself to someone so completely ever again. I will never be able to open myself that much again - to be that vulnerable, that exposed, be that "there" for anyone, ever again. It's very, very sad, and it makes me very, very angry.

There's a wall that you are forced to erect after being cheated on - a wall around your heart and soul. The prospect of going through that pain again is too much to bear. Self preservation is now paramount.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

By going 2 for 2 in being cheated on in my two marriages, has made me most reluctant to even consider wanting to ever date again. And while I know, all too well, that there are good faithful women out there, I'm just all too fearful that I'd only end up attracting yet another one from the aforementioned ilk.

I honestly think that it would take one very special woman to make me think otherwise.

In essence, all that I really want at this juncture is for this hellhole of a marriage that I'm currently in, to finally be over with ~ and then I can greatly come to better contemplate my future!


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## JadedHusband (Aug 17, 2013)

Yes, my wife cheating on me killed something inside of me that I know will never get back. I didnt have a support system and I didnt have this forum. I wish I had. Reading all the posts here I see so many mistakes that I made. I really had to debase myself in my efforts to save my marriage. I was successful but at what cost?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Without a doubt.

I look at people differently now. Being cheated on I think give you a 6th sense of sorts about cheaters. The 40ish married moms trying to hard is almost a given. 

Trust... none given.

Faith... challenged at best.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

VeryHurt said:


> The damaged that my cheating husband inflicted on my soul can never be repaired !!!


Screw that..I WILL NEVER LET WHAT MY CHEATING WIFE DID, DEFINE ME!!!!!!!

You can't hurt steel! 
I'm a phucking diamond... the toughest thing on earth.
You don't have to repair me cuz you can't break me!

Wait a second, I think I just changed....I'm superman

hell if your gonna change...right


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Before I got banned recently (probably for not being sympathetic enough to the plight of the waywards around here - I never did find out but I assume it was that) I had mentioned one or two extremely pertinent threads that waywards should get pointed towards before they stick up their own threads 

This is yet another of those very very pertinent threads that I would heartily recommend them to read through

Any wayward spouses reading this - just look at it. Really take it in.

At the moment it's only a couple of pages but even that's enough for one to see the colossal affects of adultery 

I do believe they should have their own forum on here and threads like these should be a sticky

Before any mod comes raging out of the sky this is not a wind up. I think it would genuinely save a lot of typing and bad feeling if threads like this were kept up


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> By going 2 for 2 in being cheated on in my two marriages, has made me most reluctant to even consider wanting to ever date again. And while I know, all too well, that there are good faithful women out there, I'm just all too fearful that I'd only end up attracting yet another one from the aforementioned ilk.
> 
> I honestly think that it would take one very special woman to make me think otherwise.
> 
> In essence, all that I really want at this juncture is for this hellhole of a marriage that I'm currently in, to finally be over with ~ and then I can greatly come to better contemplate my future!


When my LTR girl friend dumped me for a woman I didn't even go out for five years, let alone date. Friends set me up with a friend of theirs.

She didn't cheat on me, but she turned out to be weird.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

JadedHusband said:


> Yes, my wife cheating on me killed something inside of me that I know will never get back. I didnt have a support system and I didnt have this forum. I wish I had. Reading all the posts here I see so many mistakes that I made. I really had to debase myself in my efforts to save my marriage. I was successful but at what cost?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep. Keenly feel what you are saying. Been there, done that. Sadly.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Headspin said:


> Before I got banned recently (probably for not being sympathetic enough to the plight of the waywards around here - I never did find out but I assume it was that) I had mentioned one or two extremely pertinent threads that waywards should get pointed towards before they stick up their own threads
> 
> This is yet another of those very very pertinent threads that I would heartily recommend them to read through
> 
> ...


Thank you, Headspin.

Incidentally, my FIL is a Janner and my MIL is from Cornwall!


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> I think it does.
> 
> I was cheated on by my first real girl friend. I am sure she didn't think it was cheating, but mutual friends knew she had cheated.
> 
> ...


lol Matt .. seems like you wrote my bio. 

My very first high school sweetheart cheated on me in high school ... on prom night no less. We were at an after-party and she got smashed drunk out of her mind, I turned my back for a few minutes and she's making out with some random dude from out-of-town. Needless to say, this taught me to view all "relationships" with suspicion from a very young age.

WATCH WHAT THEY DO .. NOT WHAT THEY SAY! :smthumbup:


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Yes, it made me more aware what to look for in a man and NOT ignore the "red flags". Plus it made me raise my own standards and not settle for less.

I learned a great lesson from my first marriage.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

It has caused me to trust others even less. I question more and accept less. I put up with far less shiet than I did before. I'm not afraid to call someone (anyone, not just WS) out on their BS where I would have been hesitant to before. It made me become more self-sufficient emotionally and in other areas of life, such as financially. I'm no longer afraid my WS will leave.....if he wants out at any point for any reason, adios. I'm no longer afraid to leave the relationship myself. My own boundaries are stronger and I've learned to evaluate relationships much better; not only my marriage but also friendships and other family relationships.

In some ways I am a bit more cynical but the trade-off is I'm a lot stronger than I was a year ago at dday and two years ago pre-affair. 

I was also forced to see my WS in a much more realistic light when before, have to admit, I had him up on a bit of a pedestal. It's great to have him off of there so I can put myself up there more often, lol. 

I wouldn't wish the pain of a spouse's affair on anyone but looking at it from this perspective, how being cheated on can change a person....even only being about a year out from dday, I'm really happy with a lot of the changes I see in myself. WS and I have been in R more or less since dday but if he cheats again, he's gone and I'm no longer afraid of what that means. I have abandonment issues stemming from a s*tty childhood but I know longer feel that fear at the thought of WS and I divorcing. At this point I don't want to divorce but if it ever happens, I know I'm prepared to deal with it. Current divorce papers saved to my work laptop which can be printed and signed at a moment's notice.

As a sidenote, WS having the affair was the impetus for me to get into IC. Since I had also been dealing with depression and grief related to my dad's sudden passing a couple years back, I also - and finally - got help for that. Even before the affair I was very depressed and not seeing my way out of it, had no motivation to deal with it. Still miss my dad dearly and every day but I'm beyond the worst of the grief whereas I just felt stuck before.

Hadn't intended for this to be so lengthy, guess I've had a lot of changes! Thankfully mostly good ones.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Yes, it made me more aware what to look for in a man and NOT ignore the "red flags". Plus it made me raise my own standards and not settle for less.
> 
> *I learned a great lesson from my first marriage*.


As it's happened to me twice I obviously didn't !


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

I also figured out for sure if this marriage doesn't work out I will NEVER get married again. I was pretty certain of that prior to all this affair s*it but now I know for sure. This is coming from a lack of interest in relationships more than being due to bitterness over WS's affair. 

WS and I have been married for over 20 years, we married when I was 25 and he was 32 after 1.5 years of dating. At 25 I was CLUELESS as to how much work a relationship/marriage really is, never mind how much work it is to recover from a major betrayal.

Not only do I have no interest in a relationship if this one sinks, I cannot imagine having the energy or motivation to start over with someone else. The idea of dating makes me want to take a nap. No thanks. 

Thanks for posting this, great thread.


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

I don't think less naïve/more aware is a bad thing. 

Cynical is but is that really what you have become?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

My wife cheated early in our marriage (cannot prove it was physical). That night when I saw her and her XBF walking into the room together after being absent in the parking lot for about an hour, I lost all my nieve total trust in her. I never got it back and I don't want it back. 

Reality hit me hard (and her after I told her I was thinking the marriage was a mistake). She told me that it was totally innocent and nothing happened (she did have a somewhat believable explanation). I told her that a married woman did not go off alone with another man without her husband's knowledge no matter what and I felt betrayed and totally disrespected.

She was remorseful and apologized time and time again and swore it would never happen again. I stayed, but the total trust I had in her was gone forever and I don't think that is a bad thing.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I got this said:


> I don't think less naïve/more aware is a bad thing.
> 
> Cynical is but is that really what you have become?


Sadly, yes. I am a cynical person.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

*



Does being cheated on change who you are?

Click to expand...

*Here are some changes that occurred:

I took actions to improve myself
I became more spiritual
I became more self sufficient
I changed my view that my wife was totally loyal and dedicated to me
I got closer to other family members
I will not be as devastated if it happens again
I have a better understanding of human nature


*The affair did not ruin my life. I have a very good life and am grateful to God.*


Brokenhearted said “Forgiveness does not erase the pain & damage.”
She is right but forgiveness released me from anger, vengeance, and resentment and gave me more security. This did not come in the first year but in later years.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

I don't "take a joke"
I don't accept excuses
There are no second chances
I have an emotional wall I never had before
I had to become someone I am not


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Sadly, yes. I am a cynical person.


Do you consider that to be a bad thing? 

Why trust anyone blindly knowing human nature and mental illness and bad decisions and weak values are common? 

At least your head isn't in your ass any more no? 

I am trying to put my finger on the bad part of being cynical. 

I think I have always expected less than you. People are ****ed up at times but rarely completely bad all the time. 

That is hardly a revelation.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mr Blunt said:


> Here are some changes that occurred:
> 
> I took actions to improve myself
> I became more spiritual
> ...


Mr Blunt, you are a good man. Thank you for sharing what you wrote.


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Sadly, yes. I am a cynical person.


I took another look. I wish you would too and alter your "sadly" perspective this way.

It seems cynical is a combination of "wise" and "bitter" 

Keep the wise. Toss the bitter. 

Bitter from being pissed you were lied to and that you thought others would be as infailable with their integrity as you are. 

If you think about it, would you rather have remained naïve with a deceitful spouse? Of course not.

Ignorance (naivity) is bliss but it certainly isn't safe and can't wisdom courage and serenity in the right combination be blissful as well. 

**** can the bitterness and you are good to go yes?


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I was married twice. Both cheated but I didn't find out until after the divorce. Wife #1 was cheating with a guy and he and his wife were real good friends of ours. About two years after divorce I ran into him and said hi and all that stuff. He was drinking a cup of coffee and I said, "So you were banging my wife huh?" Thought he was going to choke on that mouthful of coffee. I laughed and said , "No biggie" but you should know that your wife has been banging some accordion player in this polka band. He knew who I was talking about. His cousin. Told him if he didn't believe me to ask another couple we both knew. He did. Went to jail for assault. Not his wife, the accordion player.

Second wife. Found out after we separated. She was noodle thin on money and when I confronted her, she admitted it. I asked if she wanted the divorce. She said yeah. We can do this with one lawyer. I said fine. You pay for it. Makes no difference I stay married to you until my death. I have no plans to get married again. She said she didn't have the money. I said you gave it away with the OM, use your head and sell it next time. Sooner or later you'll get enough money. She did

I can't consider this a marriage but I guess I have to. I got engaged to a girl when I came home from Vietnam. Home for 45 days and went to Germany. Got a letter in Oct saying she was pregnant. Came home at Christmas and married her. Two weeks later found out it wasn't mine. She married me so she would be a dependent to a service man. The government takes care of everything and the bum that knocked her up gets away Scott free. I would say that I'm a bit skeptical about getting married again. Been single now for 18 years. Retired. Eat when I want. Go to sleep when I want. Scratch my ass when I want.. fart out loud and not having to worry about some woman giving me the O'l Stink Eye. All in all, life ain't too bad.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

6301 said:


> I was married twice. Both cheated but I didn't find out until after the divorce. Wife #1 was cheating with a guy and he and his wife were real good friends of ours. About two years after divorce I ran into him and said hi and all that stuff. He was drinking a cup of coffee and I said, "So you were banging my wife huh?" Thought he was going to choke on that mouthful of coffee. I laughed and said , "No biggie" but you should know that your wife has been banging some accordion player in this polka band. He knew who I was talking about. His cousin. Told him if he didn't believe me to ask another couple we both knew. He did. Went to jail for assault. Not his wife, the accordion player.
> 
> Second wife. Found out after we separated. She was noodle thin on money and when I confronted her, she admitted it. I asked if she wanted the divorce. She said yeah. We can do this with one lawyer. I said fine. You pay for it. Makes no difference I stay married to you until my death. I have no plans to get married again. She said she didn't have the money. I said you gave it away with the OM, use your head and sell it next time. Sooner or later you'll get enough money. She did. Not sell herself but got the money.
> 
> I can't consider this a marriage but I guess I have to. I got engaged to a girl when I came home from Vietnam. Home for 45 days and went to Germany. Got a letter in Oct saying she was pregnant. Came home at Christmas and married her. Two weeks later found out it wasn't mine. She married me so she would be a dependent to a service man. The government takes care of everything and the bum that knocked her up gets away Scott free. I would say that I'm a bit skeptical about getting married again. Been single now for 18 years. Retired. Eat when I want. Go to sleep when I want. Scratch my ass when I want.. fart out loud and not having to worry about some woman giving me the O'l Stink Eye. All in all, life ain't too bad.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

sorry 'bout that. Hit the wrong button


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

MattMatt said:


> I think it does.
> 
> I was cheated on by my first real girl friend. I am sure she didn't think it was cheating, but mutual friends knew she had cheated.
> 
> ...


Definitely changes you hence my adamant stance on not exposing except as a last chance effort to kill a affair!

Anything traumatic changes you! The first time you experience death of a loved one, first time you truly feel betrayed, being a parent, the list goes on and on.

Not always for the better though alot of people carry on hate and bitterness for years after they have been cheated on.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

OhGeesh said:


> Definitely changes you hence my adamant stance on not exposing except as a last chance effort to kill a affair!
> 
> Anything traumatic changes you! The first time you experience death of a loved one, first time you truly feel betrayed, being a parent, the list goes on and on.
> 
> Not always for the better though alot of people carry on hate and bitterness for years after they have been cheated on.


I never exposed any of them.

Why? Too soft.


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## arked (Mar 2, 2013)

I have become more cynical than ever before in my life a cheater will do it to you. There is nothing wrong with being cynical some of the best people I know are cynical. I do wish to have the tattoo removed from my forehead done in neon green that states “IF YOU ARE CRAZY PLEASE PICK ME” Thankfully, the tattoo has faded somewhat in the last ten months. 

Trying to work on my picker now and I don't like a lot of what I see out there in this big old world. I understand there are a lot of folks out there who make bad decisions. My faith and common since tells me there a number of women who had a spouse who never gave them a choice about being cheated on. I chose to believe there is hope for all of us who want to find someone to spend and share our lives with.

Once you have been cheated on it becomes hard to want to love again. The hurt and pain is so intense your heart hardens to the point it will take someone with a lot of patients to break through the wall you put up. 

In saw an article where a lady physiologist said to a lady NPD, “Thanks sister for turning a perfectly good man into someone who will never be able to trust again.” I thought this statement summed up my feelings 100%. 

Tomorrow the sun will shine and someone somewhere will fall in love. People do it all the time the only problem is love is just like a fly and flies are equally attracted to sugar as well a pile of $hit. Just saying.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Here's something that my wife said to me after her affair: "What happened to the happy-go-lucky Matt I first met?"

I really could not reply...


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

I am certainly harder than I was before wife's affair. 

I think the trust thing is less of a issue now. I don't trust anyone 100% and I don't really want to. Instead of saying "do I trust them?" I say "what things doi trust them with and what things not?" Since no one is perfect (except me) and no one is totally trustworthy (except my mom) I find this a reasonably healthy way to be.

I guess I value my reconciled marriage for what it is, don't try to make it something it isn't, and don't look for my wife to be the only person I need in life.

The other thing is...a lot of what I have done is just get more mature and realistic about relationships. The affair was a master class in that, but maybe I would have learned the same things another way.

Lots of my friends take the lessons learned from the failures in their first marriages and use them to avoid mistakes and make second marriages better. I think this is healthy. In a sense I did the same, just with the same woman.


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## jenglenn (Jan 31, 2013)

the guy said:


> Screw that..I WILL NEVER LET WHAT MY CHEATING WIFE DID, DEFINE ME!!!!!!!
> 
> You can't hurt steel!
> I'm a phucking diamond... the toughest thing on earth.
> ...


Fantastic- I WILL quote this!!!!!!!!


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## jenglenn (Jan 31, 2013)

arked said:


> In saw an article where a lady physiologist said to a lady NPD, “Thanks sister for turning a perfectly good man into someone who will never be able to trust again.” I thought this statement summed up my feelings 100%.
> 
> Tomorrow the sun will shine and someone somewhere will fall in love. People do it all the time the only problem is love is just like a fly and flies are equally attracted to sugar as well a pile of $hit. Just saying.


Good stuff!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

MattMatt said:


> but she turned out to be weird.


And ya your not wierd MM 

FROM WERE I'M SITTING WE ARE ALL PHUCKING WIRED:lol:

But at the end of the day I would rather be wierd then dishonest! And my old lady can't beat that...God love her for trying but whats done is done and it's up to "them" (cheaters) to live with THAT!:smthumbup:

sorry for glouting but wtf I diserve a pat on the back after the crap I went thru and then again do I?


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Here's something that my wife said to me after her affair: "What happened to the happy-go-lucky Matt I first met?"
> 
> I really could not reply...


"You killed him when you had your affair. I'm his ghost."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

A boyfriend that I was mad about at 17 cheated on me with my best friend. It didn't change the way I am, or how I view men; however, after that experience, I keep my girlfriends nowhere near my SO. 

Another boyfriend, whom I really loved for a long time and supposed to marry, cheated on me several times. What you call a serial cheater. It led me to swallow a bunch of pills and attempt to take my own life. So yes I know the pain.

Did it change who I am ? No. I refused to allow it. It didn't make me think that all men are cheaters nor that I can't fully trust anyone. There are plenty of great people out there, and I even married one !
There is faithfulness and trust, and everything the relationships with my exes lacked. I don't even hate them, I'm too over it. I'm glad they're gone so I could find my husband. 

The best revenge is to live happily, preferrably with another new squeeze.


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## Eleftherios (Aug 15, 2013)

Most definitely.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

I was only reflecting today on the fact that it is approaching 5 months since DDay. I can't seem to remember who I was before Easter 2013.

I've never been so wired and tired. I don't seem to know who I am or what I'm about. All I know is I share my home with two beautiful children and a stranger who dresses up and calls themselves my partner.

I have learned a lot about myself and how weak and co-dependent I had become. So it really has been a painful slow lifting of the blinkers I had been wearing.

Now I'm learning to act.

But yes, in short, changed forever and managing deep resentment. I'd like to break free.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Being cheated on has also made me very insecure at first. I wasn't planning on getting remarried, but it happened and it was the best thing I ever did. It took time(a few years after my second marriage) to trust again. At first I was always snooping in my husbands things, but he also knew about it too. I'm very honest to my husband. It was awful and an obsession. I hated doing it, but I felt I needed to know if he was a faithful man or not. I never accused my current husband of cheating and he certainly has proven to me over and over how dedicated he is to me and our marriage. I've never trusted anyone as much as I trust my husband. I can honestly say that I trust him 100% to be faithful. I don't snoop through his things anymore even though I do have full access to everything. He has full access to everything of mine too. My husband has really built up my confidence. He never even once was upset that I was going through his things. I fully support my husbands hobbies, I don't fuss when he takes the weekend off for hunting or fishing, nor his 10 night trip to Alaska for salmon fishing. Nor do I ever make a fuss when he leaves to work out at the gym or his triathlon club.

I do believe being cheated on by a spouse puts a damper on learning to trust again whether you stay with the WS or remarry someone new. I know it did with me. It took awhile, but I did learn to fully trust again. My husband is a very athletic good looking man.

Infidelity is my number 1 deal breaker no matter how good our marriage is or if it would never happen again. I do not under any circumstances will give a second chance.


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

I wouldn't even recognize me.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

In my book, an EA or a PA is nothing more than the unilateral premeditated murder of a marriage ~ nothing more, nothing less!

When you slash open my trusting heart, don't ever erroneously expect it to heal to any semblence of its original state!


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Absolutely - seemingly innocent things are no longer innocent. A cell phone call, a text message, a late night at work or canceled appointment _are no longer just that_ but now something more nefarious - like planning an affair with someone. *This is what cheaters do - strip you of the ability to see life as it is. You are looking for the hidden agenda beneath everything. And most times there is no hidden agenda. It can be exhausting.* :scratchhead:


So exhausting. And I hate this change more than anything 

Really feel like I can't trust someone to get close again. Like another poster mentioned - waiting for the other shoe to drop.


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## ASummersDay (Mar 4, 2013)

In a word: yes. When I was cheated on by my ex, it changed me fundamentally. I used to be the type of person who had zero paranoia or trust issues in relationships. For a while after it happened, I literally couldn't trust anyone. My life was laden with triggers. 

In time, the triggers were reduced, and I was able to trust a little. But it will never be like it was before, where I never gave a second thought to what my partner was doing when I wasn't around. I do think it's a bit sad, because some people do deserve complete trust. I just can't give that and don't know if I'll ever be able to again.

I also think it made me more jealous because of the triggers. I never used to have a problem with flirting (within limits), spending time with opposite sex friends one-on-one, or a host of other activities. Now, those behaviors make me feel anxious and suspicious. Thankfully my husband isn't one to flirt with other women. I'd have a very hard time with it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## riversoflife (Aug 12, 2013)

I am definately changed.
I dont think I will ever trust again.
I hope I am wrong because I want to have a happy "normal" life, but I can feel that suspicious feeling deep down and every little thing sets off red flags now.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It does change the way you view things/relationships/people/trust in general. 

I was once completely able to blindly trust people. Not anymore. But I do not think that is a bad thing.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

LostViking said:


> Yes it changes you. It made me into even more of a jerk than I already was.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree: Only in my case according to my WW, the correct term is a$$hole and not jerk!!


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

MattMatt...what a loaded question? Changed a little after each Dday, sadly the rose colored glasses are gone....I don't know that I will every be that happy, carefree, open person again. :'(
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Refuse to be played (Jun 7, 2013)

I'm a bit more of a cynical misanthrope than I already was. I don't think I'll let anyone get that close again. I'm attempting to R with my W and if it doesn't work out I know I'll never get married again. I would also begin my quest to nail every attractive single woman in the Chicago area between the age of 20-50


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

I can only speak for myself but I'm always looking for the hidden agenda from the other person. I will never trust fully again. I am finding out there are more "takers" in this world than "givers". It makes that place in my own heart hurt (we all know that feeling).


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

johnAdams said:


> I am certainly a changed person since my wife's affair. I am not a trusting person by nature. The only person I ever trusted was my wife. I now trust no one. I saw this in an older thread and thought it was applicable to how I feel.
> 
> "Affairs take fused relationships and unfuse them. As a result, you realize that this woman you are with isn't some divine extension of yourself, and it's not true love. That's the hardest part of all of this. It forces you to be realistic about your relationship, which isn't bad per se."
> 
> ...


John you said your wife also showed no remorse, has that not hindered your recovery?


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

johnAdams said:


> Yes, that was a hindrance to our reconciliation. For the first year or so after the affair more than once she said she was sorry I knew but not that she did it. That has been hard to get out of my mind. She has since said she is sorry and remorseful but, given the earlier statements have a hard time believing her. I think as the years have gone on she is at least sorry for what she did to me.


It seems like if she could go back and do it again she would...in a heartbeat - that must be a bitter pill to swallow. Does she realize how she has wrecked you emotionally?


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## "joe" (Aug 19, 2013)

johnAdams said:


> I do not think asking someone to be faithful is asking too much.


thank you. i am fully aware how i fell short in my marriage but the deceit and infidelity has destroyed me. it's early yet, i'm hoping to recover eventually.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

JohnAdams....I hear something of myself in your words..."I am a changed person and do not like the person I have become." Sometimes for all the right reasons we stay with a marriage and we reconcile but sometimes the price we personally pay to do this is to heavy and it changes us for the worse...it can break us down. I hope you can find a way to become the person you want to be again....I am just now starting to find my way back.....I'll never be the person I could have been...but I can be someone new that I can like.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

mineforever said:


> JohnAdams....I hear something of myself in your words..."I am a changed person and do not like the person I have become." Sometimes for all the right reasons we stay with a marriage and we reconcile but sometimes the price we personally pay to do this is to heavy and it changes us for the worse. I hope you can find a way to become the person you want to be again....I am just now starting to find my way back.....I'll never be the person I could have been...but I can be someone new that I can like.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree::iagree: I don't think true reconciliation is possibly unless the WS is TRULY remorseful and not just a few "I'm Sorry"s sprinkled with "I Love You"s...the WS really has to try to grasp the magnitude of what they have done. John's posts seem to reveal that he has paid a steep steep price for his wife's infidelity and she seems to have gotten off scott free. in fact In a previous post John said his wife referred to her affair as a glitch..is that correct John? Just my view....


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

johnAdams said:


> Yes, recently she said that we have had a great marriage with just one small glitch along the way. It has been years since her affair and she claims to never think about it except when I make her. I try not to throw it in her face, however I still trigger and get depressed so it is easy to see what I am thinking about.


John - this was never resolved satisfactorily...you really need to work this out..he attitude about the whole thing is unacceptable..do you think if she culd go back in time she would do it again?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree:* I don't think true reconciliation is possibly unless the WS is TRULY remorseful and not just a few "I'm Sorry"s sprinkled with "I Love You"s...the WS really has to try to grasp the magnitude of what they have done. John's posts seem to reveal that he has paid a steep steep price for his wife's infidelity and she seems to have gotten off scott free. in fact In a previous post John said his wife referred to her affair as a glitch..is that correct John? Just my view....*


*I really feel that the WS would have to fully and truthfully subject themselves to "going way down into the deepest chasms of their Valley of Infidelity, by leaving absolutely no question unanswered in order to properly convey the amount of damage that their selfish act of committing adultery did to their BS!

And while this is, no doubt, the exception much rather than the rule, it also is largely nothing more than a "pipe dream." Being an absolute slave to their infidelity would keep them from admitting that!*


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

johnAdams said:


> I really think the answer is NO for a number of reasons. She does see how much she hurt me and I think she truly regrets that. She knows it is morally wrong. She does now recognize that the OM was just a player and got what he was after. She sees what she almost gave up.
> 
> Now, if she was in the same state of mind she was at that time. Insecure, wanting to be her own person, influenced by the wrong friends and having someone come along that feeds her ego and *is a step-up,* yes, she probably would do it again.
> 
> Like a lot of people I R for many reasons, love, kids, finances and not wanting change. I often wonder if I should have just got a divorce. I would probably not make a good counselor to recovering BS as I would probably recommend that they D.


A step up? See this is the problem...she has no idea what her selfish actions did to you. What exactly has she done to prove her remorse? It sounds like not much....


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

johnAdams said:


> Not wanting to high jack this thread and make it about me. But yes, I am a changed person.
> 
> On the remorse, per her, she has been a loyal, faithful, loving wife since the affair ended. By the way I did not catch her or have someone else tell me about her affair. She confessed to the whole thing without me asking. She then answered every question I asked in painful detail.


How long was her affair?


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

johnAdams said:


> She had gone back to college. He was one of her professors. So, they met in September when school started. He hit on her and gave her his number a few weeks into the semester. She met him for "lunch" in late October and ended up going to his apartment and having sex. After that encounter, it pretty much died and we reconciled the week before Thanksgiving when she confessed to the whole thing. She now calls it a ONS although it was clearly an EA that turned PA for a one time fxxx.


He should have been exposed and fired...it seems you have never found peace John...you have suffered depression all these years...she should be working activuely to help you through this and she seems to never have...


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

John, dress up spiffy one Saturday evening and tell her you are going out. When she asks just say "I'm going out for a glitch. Watch the kids." 

Then hit a movie, go get a drink and then find an IHOP or 24 hour cafe and stay till dawn the next morning. Ignore the barrage of calls and texts from her. Then when you get home and she is haggard and demanding where you have been just say "I told you, I was out for a glitch!" Then go to bed. If she demands to know where you were tell her to mind her own business. Then let her squirm and stew on that for a few weeks. Let her get a taste of her own medicine.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bbird1 (May 22, 2011)

Every major event in life has it's impact. Cheating spouse surely will. You gave your heart and trust to and had them betrayed by someone you thought you knew.

Children being born, divorce, death in the family, so much will change you. No telling exactly how since each person is different. Most likely the betrayal of someone you trusted with everything would change you to be more cynical in some ways or another.

Anyway the simple answer is yes it would.

Though I've never dealt with your situation so I can not say how it would affect me and hope to never experience this one life altering event.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

LostViking said:


> John, dress up spiffy one Saturday evening and tell her you are going out. When she asks just say "I'm going out for a glitch. Watch the kids."
> 
> Then hit a movie, go get a drink and then find an IHOP or 24 hour cafe and stay till dawn the next morning. Ignore the barrage of calls and texts from her. Then when you get home and she is haggard and demanding where you have been just say "I told you, I was out for a glitch!" Then go to bed. If she demands to know where you were tell her to mind her own business. Then let her squirm and stew on that for a few weeks. Let her get a taste of her own medicine.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sometimes the only thing that gets through to a WS is a healthy dose of their own medicine....I just hope John can find peace but his posts reflect so much pain and anguish....and his wife needs to be more active and not so dismissive...


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## Ever-Man (Jan 25, 2013)

Being cheated on and finding out is a loss of innocence forever. You cannot get your original state of love and trust back after a betrayal, neither with that person, or future lovers. The pain is so great that avoiding this pain takes precedence in any new relationship. I would compare it to a child being molested, though this is certainly more devastating, it is a similiar loss of innocence that cannot be restored again.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Ever-Man said:


> Being cheated on and finding out is a loss of innocence forever. You cannot get your original state of love and trust back after a betrayal, neither with that person, or future lovers. The pain is so great that avoiding this pain takes precedence in any new relationship. I would compare it to a child being molested, though this is certainly more devastating, it is a similiar loss of innocence that cannot be restored again.


Hopefully you can at least find a functional balance of mistrust and love again.

Risk vs. Reward.

I had to go through this too. It is like buying a car. Eventually it will need repairs, and it might even need to be traded in for a newer model.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

LostViking said:


> John, dress up spiffy one Saturday evening and tell her you are going out. When she asks just say "I'm going out for a glitch. Watch the kids."
> 
> Then hit a movie, go get a drink and then find an IHOP or 24 hour cafe and stay till dawn the next morning. Ignore the barrage of calls and texts from her. Then when you get home and she is haggard and demanding where you have been just say "I told you, I was out for a glitch!" Then go to bed.  If she demands to know where you were tell her to mind her own business. Then let her squirm and stew on that for a few weeks. Let her get a taste of her own medicine.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 In the context of someone who fessed up without prompting... no!


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

This is something I have been struggling the most with. Should my STBXW's cheating change me fundamentally, or should I fight to keep my innocence? If I change myself then I let my STBXW win, and I don't want that.

My family and friends keep telling me that I am way to naive in trusting everyone completely from the beginning, instead I should keep my guards on and not trust anyone until they have proved themselves over and over again. But I liked the old me with childlike innocence who used believe everyone until someone's backstabbing. 

I know this is how the real world works. Everyone has to grow up and by growing up I mean the right mix of cynicism and faith. Still, I liked the old me. I wish that child inside never had to go away.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

johnAdams said:


> I really think the answer is NO for a number of reasons. She does see how much she hurt me and I think she truly regrets that. She knows it is morally wrong. She does now recognize that the OM was just a player and got what he was after. She sees what she almost gave up.
> 
> Now, if she was in the same state of mind she was at that time. Insecure, wanting to be her own person, influenced by the wrong friends and having someone come along that feeds her ego and is a step-up, yes, she probably would do it again.
> 
> Like a lot of people I R for many reasons, love, kids, finances and not wanting change. I often wonder if I should have just got a divorce. I would probably not make a good counselor to recovering BS as I would probably recommend that they D.


We have many similarities John. My WS has not shown anywhere near the sort of remorse that is discussed on TAM. She is well aware of the multiple immoral decisions she made with her AP and what she has done to me but there is a part of her that will not accept full responsibility. In her world I am very much to blame as well.

I am slowly building to a point where I can leave this broken relationship while living in this false Recon / limbo land but like you there is much at stake - young children, finances etc. 

Something is terribly wrong in her psycho / emotional make-up to drink the way she does and to latch onto entitlement the way she did. I can now see clearly the influences on her decision making that lead to her actions. It was very much fulfilling a growing fantasy IMO.

Something that I never thought about until this week was that once she had crossed that $100,000 threshold, as she did last year, it bolstered her sense of entitlement. She was in more elite company so to speak. (only 2% of female workers here earn this much or more PA)

Anyway, I have been up since 3.45 am. Another bi-product of this mess. The fact that I have to be in court today, for most of the day I found out, is going to be interesting with my eyes hanging out of my head. All the while having to listen to the POSOM play victim and argue for an AVO against me. 

The hypocrisy of such a move by this villain and the fact that my WS has washed her hands of the whole deal is a new level - there are so many levels. Changed? you betcha.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Good thread! Just returned from a long weekend of fun with family and friends.

Makes me think about the changes that have happened. I hear people tell me that I have changed too. Especially those that have known me the longest.

The challenge for me is to not judge my new wife too harshly because of the things my exWW did. Balancing trust, attentiong, time, praise, love, sacrifices against suspicions, jealousy, boundries, and protection is difficult. As time passes in my new marriage (since Oct. 2012) I catch myself doing things that would have never done in marriage 1.0. I call a spade a spade in a flash. 1.0 last 23 years, btw.

One thing I am also guilty of in marriage 2.0 is letting my new wife feel that D is a possibility. It needs to be dialed back some, but the penalty for cheating is not a secret with her. It might have caused her some additional stress, and I prefer to have her confident in our relationship. Trying to adjust so she won't get tired of me too quickly.

I find my tolerence of dishonesty in general is very low. It seems that I am more open to people having sex, as long as it is not part of a betrayal.

Change happened in religious views. Much less concern about organized religion. Much more concerned about honesty and loyalty. I feel that those that are very heavy into church stuff are often using it to cover their deeper issues.

Friends and family are optional. Lol! We can decided who we like, and we don't have to be involved with people that are pretend.

One other challenge is to not let the betrayal define you. I don't mind talking about it as a matter of fact, to help someone else, or as a way to share, but it is better when old and new relationships are growing without the betrayal acting as an anchor. Most people don't understand it unless they have lived it. It often is pointless to talk to people about it because it is not real to them.  That is why it is good to share with you here on TAM.


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## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

It taught me how unhealthy I am and how I 
Am able to live in denial. I think that this is actually a
Valuable lesson. I also don't plan
To take crap from anyone again( once I know how to do this lol)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Lovemytruck said:


> One thing I am also guilty of in marriage 2.0 is letting my new wife feel that D is a possibility.


It's a possiblility in any marriage. 

But yeah, don't loom that over her heard during every disagreement.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> It's a possiblility in any marriage.
> 
> But yeah, don't loom that over her heard during every disagreement.


True. I don't think D was a reality for my exWW, even after I moved out and told her it was over.

True. I don't talk about D when we disagree, but I am quick to think about it. The new Mrs. seems to get more fearful when we argue about something. Seems she gets hurt, where the ex would get angry.

The balancing act is tricky. New ground rules, and a vigilant husband (me) with a sweet woman who has never felt the sting of being cheated on.

It makes me realize that the pendulum should not swing from unsuspecting naiveite to relentless obsession over being betrayed again. 

Happiness must lie in the middle.


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## Oldrandwisr (Jun 22, 2013)

It changed me in stages.

Self doubt and the punch to self esteem - what did "I" do? - then denial. 

Eventually I did accept that he is an empty soul with no conviction. I have more stages to go through. The remorse just isn't there in this case. The stage I'm in now is apathy. At this time, I don't care if I'm alone from here on. I'm tired of drama and confusion from dealing with a problem that shouldn't even be on my plate. 

In my younger, more naïve days, I thought the majority of people out there had rock solid morals. After two marriages ending with infidelity and reading this, I believe there is a larger percentage than I realized who think it really is ok to do whatever they want and can still sleep at night.

That's the difference between them and us. They don't struggle with the demons within because somewhere in their little conscience they think the affair is justified or a non-issue. Opportunities are there for everyone, even in a good marriage. But acting on them would give me a lifetime of torment.

But I still have hope. There are people out there who are 100% trustworthy. It shows on here.

This thread should be a sticky. It's like all of the CWI betrayed spouse posts wrapped into one package. It may first appear as a negative thread, but it's not. It made me feel good. Hearing so many stories of the different stages and outcomes gives me confidence.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Oldrandwisr said:


> It changed me in stages.
> 
> Self doubt and the punch to self esteem - what did "I" do? - then denial.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree: Yes the "get over it" crowd...


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

My husband's cheating did not change who I am. It utterly erased me.

I was a thirty-something wife and mother who did her best but faltered all too often. I was as little too anxious. A little too high strung. I was never able to be quite a good enough housekeeper or a gracious enough hostess or excited enough in bed. I knew I should probably be on something for my nerves. I knew I should try harder and do better and be more. I spent all my time scrambling to keep up, to be enough, for my childhood sweetheart husband who loved me enough to gently guide me to knowledge of my personal failings. 

Then I discovered that my husband wasn't just a cheater but a serial cheater. He'd been cheating for the duration of our marriage. Everything we'd built together - our entire lives - was an absolute fantasy. None of it was real. It never had been. I quickly realized that you can't do anything with a truth that big and that absolute other than accept it and see it as a gift of sorts. 

So, now I'm a thirty-something almost ex-wife and mother who does her best and mostly does very well. I'm calmer because there's no one constantly criticizing everything I do. I'm no longer anxious or depressed because I'm actually doing plenty and am enough. There's no one telling me I'm crazy or high strung. There's no one gently, lovingly, nudging me in the direction of low self-esteem because it suits their purposes. There's no one helping me learn about my many faults. There's no one in my life anymore who benefits from me feeling bad about myself so that I won't notice that the problems are actually in him.

I'm less trusting. I'm stronger. I'm no longer willing to love anyone more than I love myself. I'm.....happy.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> :iagree::iagree: *Yes, the "Get Over It" Crowd...*


*... of which my rich, philandering STBXW is proudly serving as Chairwoman of the Board!*


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Rowan said:


> My husband's cheating did not change who I am. It utterly erased me.
> 
> I was a thirty-something wife and mother who did her best but faltered all too often. I was as little too anxious. A little too high strung. I was never able to be quite a good enough housekeeper or a gracious enough hostess or excited enough in bed. I knew I should probably be on something for my nerves. I knew I should try harder and do better and be more. I spent all my time scrambling to keep up, to be enough, for my childhood sweetheart husband who loved me enough to gently guide me to knowledge of my personal failings.
> 
> ...


Painful to read. Glad you are doing better.

Maybe you can think of the bright side, you soon will be free to be with people that you will choose with better vision. Your eyes are now wide open to the people you know are not good for you.

Maybe this is an opportunity to find a better someone. When you are ready, of course.

Hang tough. It does get better as you move through the D and stuff. 

Bless your heart!


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

I've been cheated on in each of the six LTRs I've had in my life. Three of them, the gal went for a married man. One was an OW. The woman who tok my virginity made sure (later) that I knew I was her second lay of the day. 

Like Matt said earlier, WTF, was I that easy to cheat on? Is there something wrong with me?

Yes, those events changed me. As a young man, I was not of the cheating mindset. My parents were good examples. That's one area I can't fault them on, thank goodness. 

But being cheated on for 35+ years with different people makes you start to think there is no real monogamy, no real faithfulness, no real love, nothing is "real" because nobody is truly invested in anything except themselves. I confess I went down that road as well, for several years. I didn't care, either. 

This last one where fWW cheated on me was the worst, because I had allowed myself to care the MOST of anyone I'd ever been with. And it hurt the most because of it. My first W cheated on me; I dumped her sorry ass. This one did, and all I want is to R. 

So we change throughout life, and it's always a learning situation. Yes, I was cheated on, and I returned the favor in life. Karma's a ******. But I didn't give up on trying to find a relationship, and it was out there (time will tell but that's my committment). 

Bitter? Yes. Damaged/scarred? Yes. Willing to try again? Yup.

When God calls me home, I want to be able to tell him I learned, and I managed to do good in spite of myself. He is my Father, and my Father in Law as well, think about that.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Doubletrouble,

Damn. I guess you get to a point where you realize that cheating is part of life. Sad reality. Glad you are hanging in there!


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

LostViking said:


> John, dress up spiffy one Saturday evening and tell her you are going out. When she asks just say "I'm going out for a glitch. Watch the kids."
> 
> Then hit a movie, go get a drink and then find an IHOP or 24 hour cafe and stay till dawn the next morning. Ignore the barrage of calls and texts from her. Then when you get home and she is haggard and demanding where you have been just say "I told you, I was out for a glitch!" Then go to bed. If she demands to know where you were tell her to mind her own business. Then let her squirm and stew on that for a few weeks. Let her get a taste of her own medicine.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


my wife became convinced I had had a revenge affair. (It was a near miss). It didn't help anything.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

6301 said:


> Went to jail for assault. Not his wife, the accordion player.


Well, he was an accordion player. It was bound to happen sooner or later anyway.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Wazza said:


> my wife became convinced I had had a revenge affair. (It was a near miss). It didn't help anything.


Why not?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

LostViking said:


> Why not?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just created more tension.

The girl was a friend, who was willing.....multiple opportunities in fact. My wife thought something had happened, didn't feel she had a right to ask....so it just brought more suspicion and negativity into the marriage.

It came out years later during a conversation and it was very obviously difficult and painful for her to talk about.

Frankly, if all I wanted is revenge and negatives better to walk away in my view. I cannot see how increasing the hurt and brokenness in a marriage leads to healing.

Don't let the affair make you bitter!!!!!


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Wazza said:


> Just created more tension.
> 
> The girl was a friend, who was willing.....multiple opportunities in fact. My wife thought something had happened, didn't feel she had a right to ask....so it just brought more suspicion and negativity into the marriage.
> 
> ...


What would your wife have done if you had actually carried on an affair with this friend Wazza? What did your wife say when she found out you had not folowed through?


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> What would your wife have done if you had actually carried on an affair with this friend Wazza? What did your wife say when she found out you had not folowed through?


She thought I had....she saw it as all she deserved. She didn't say much and I have never asked her.

However....one if her friends had an affair at the same time as she did, and encouraged her affair. She kept contact with that person through the years...not close to them, but she is a very warm person.

When she found out that this friend had also propositioned me more than once, that person was gone from Facebook that day. That is very unusual for her...it obviously hurt.

Also, with some of those secrets flushed out, the marriage became warmer. I think my wife is happier now. 

Point is, I don't want her to be emotionally fragile, contrite, walking on eggshells. I want a relationship with joy and intimacy. And mostly I have it. But punishing her is not what got me there.

I will happily be wiser and more cautious as a result if being cheated on, but I choose not to be bitter.


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## ASummersDay (Mar 4, 2013)

Lovemytruck said:


> Good thread! Just returned from a long weekend of fun with family and friends.
> 
> Makes me think about the changes that have happened. I hear people tell me that I have changed too. Especially those that have known me the longest.
> 
> ...


Wow, lovemytruck...I could have written your post almost word for word. I especially identify with the bolded parts. You said everything I would have liked to say, but couldn't find the words for.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Well, it has changed me some for the better and some for the worse. Truth is I have learned not to count on anyone anymore - this makes me stronger BUT I have no vulnerability in my life - the stuff that makes relationships good. I also do not give a crap about relationships - either they are in or out but I do not care either way....truth is what my ex did not know was when I griped about stuff and worried about things she was doing - I actually cared. Now, I do not care so if they fool around who cares? Not me....so I just don't care. Don't know if I will ever allow myself to feel that sense of vulnerability again.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

It changed me for the better. I refused to be scared, angry, pushed over, run over, etc. I stood up for myself, before I felt that I lost myself in the infidelity. Not any more. Life is too damn short and no one is going to make me go back to that place ever again. I'm not a victim, I'm a survivor how I looked at it was I don't have a choice but to do better. I looked at cheating dead in the face and said I'm not going to be your b*tch, your going to be mine. Odd I know but it worked haven't looked back since.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Healer said:


> Well, he was an accordion player. It was bound to happen sooner or later anyway.


*I would greatly reckon that the cheating wife's legs had been spread so far apart from all of that extracurricular sexual activity of hers that she was engaged in, that the accordion player must have undoubtedly thought that she was a brand new instrument worth playing!

It really must have been absolutely great stuff and played some extremely sweet music if it was worth going to jail over!*


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## Riven (May 4, 2012)

It does change you forever. I used to be trusting. Then you have the triggers that never go away. They'll hit at the worst times. Being in medical after my WS's ONS I sent him immediately to the doctor... talk of STD's, hep, and HIV are triggers for me, and it's something I deal with regularly at work. 

Overall yes, I'm a colder person than I used to be. I don't let myself open up as much, then I can't be hurt as much. In the end it hurts me because I miss out on things I had before. I lost a year of my life on Cymbalta to "deal with" the pain, in turn I missed out feeling joy and excitement from my years of hard work in nursing school because it made me feel so flat. The things taken from me due to that one drunken night could fill a notebook. Things I can never get back, things I worked so hard for.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

I'm the six million dollar man. 

Finding out about her A destroyed me. I allowed it to. I had a lot of baggage from the years. I remember sitting on the bed crying. I felt like a pathetic sack of crap. Sulking over my cheating wife. I had allowed myself to gain more weight than I wanted, and I hadn't done anything for myself in over a decade. Everything was for her or the kids, and her I was now, left with nothing because the thing I cared about most threw me away like garbage. I thought about how pathetic I was and how I had created the situation by placing my life in her hands. 

I started losing the excess weight right away due to the discovery of the A. Then I went further. I looked for the things left that I didn't like about me and went to work on those too. After that I started rebuilding. Now I constantly work on improving. I am better now than ever, and I will never neglect myself for anyone else again.


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## THANKGOODNESSIMFABULOUS (Aug 19, 2013)

I think it changes who you are, and how you view relationships. I am 37 years old and I have never been with someone who has not cheated on me. It has changed how I view people and their motives, and I dont trust anyone. The worst part it made me question who I am as a women and a person, and I live with the most insecure feelings everyday. 

But at the same time, I still believe that love is a fabulous feeling and each person is destined to find that one loyal, and loving person. I know, sappy.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

THANKGOODNESSIMFABULOUS said:


> I think it changes who you are, and how you view relationships. I am 37 years old and I have never been with someone who has not cheated on me. It has changed how I view people and their motives, and I dont trust anyone. The worst part it made me question who I am as a women and a person, and I live with the most insecure feelings everyday.
> 
> But at the same time, I still believe that love is a fabulous feeling and each person is destined to find that one loyal, and loving person. I know, sappy.


You aren't broken. You are just really bad at picking a mate.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I like myself better now than before my having to deal with the EAs/ inappropriate OSFs of either of my exH or my fiance.

I fist described it as being on high alert but now I don't think so anymore. I am only as observant and inquiring as any other savvy, self possessed woman who is not afraid to speak her mind, voice her concerns and act on them.

On one of these threads about OSFs as I was bringing forth my exprience in 2 LTRs, a fellow poster said, well maybe I should get a better partner picker, or something like that. Well, if I had been in possession of a better "partner picker" at the time, then I would have been the same person as I am now.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Yes, it does, forever. My view of women used to be one of "they won't do that." Being raised around great grandmothers, grandma, aunts, I was raised to respect women. I was shown right from wrong. How to talk and so on. That being said, my first experience was about as gut wrenching as it can get. After that, I never fully trusted, that is a shame. Because you want to trust, respect, share etc.. For me I can't, I guess I'm protecting myself from being stabbed like that again. I'm older and somewhat wiser, but none the less a target. Just like others. The way I cope is attempt to find the good, try and not analyze everything, show respect and last but not least trust.............but verify. I'm a fourth generation LEO, bred for this work I guess, all of my uncles before me were the same way. I try not to let that get in the way of my relationships. I have explained this to my wife and she completely understands. She is good like that. IMHO I don't think you ever stop protecting your feelings, but should def throttle back a bit. Making sure your relationship can breathe so to speak.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

I think the maturing process in life is basically the tearing away of naivety one piece at a time.

Being cheated on is one of those moments. It rips away the veil and lets you see the reality of what people can be, even those who say they love you.

I think 'blind' trust in the person you are with is forever destroyed, whether you repair and stay in the relationship or move on to another person.

Personally, I think I was floored and shaken more to find out just a few years ago that my maternal grandmother was a cheater and my grandfather, who I always felt I had so much in common with, had not only stayed, but had actually raised her A child (my aunt).

I guess I still had a child's image/view of them til that moment. Tearing away that veil really was a shocking and painful experience.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

For me, it shattered my idea of where I thought I fit it Into this world. She was professing her undying love for me and family right up until 
Dday.

I mistakenly bought into the "soulmate" thing. According to her, it would be "you and I together forever". So now I'm taking this time to get to know who I am, to be content without a romantic attachment.


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## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> I think it does.


I think it does too. 

Before, I was very loose with boundaries, now I'm much stronger with them. More important, I feel no guilt around them now. In effect, though painful and exhausting, I've had to change, but in changing, my life has gotten much better. 

So when all is said and done, I'm a better person for it.


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

It has not changed me. 

Yet. 

I'm still early on in the process. I hate what my WS did, but I won't let that change my opinion that most people are decent and try to be good. I like and adore women as much as always. I won't let my wife's stupidity change that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Yup, I don't trust anyone anymore. Not just men but women too. I'm more harsh, more judgmental and have lots of resentment and will likely never be whole ever again. I will NEVER get married EVER again. It's a dead and useless "institution" I no longer believe in.

I will never let anyone that close to my heart or inner self ever again. It broke me, I doubt I will ever truly heal from it ever.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

CantePe said:


> Yup, I don't trust anyone anymore. Not just men but women too. I'm more harsh, more judgmental and have lots of resentment and will likely never be whole ever again. I will NEVER get married EVER again. It's a dead and useless "institution" I no longer believe in.
> 
> I will never let anyone that close to my heart or inner self ever again. It broke me, I doubt I will ever truly heal from it ever.


I hope you do heal. You deserve better than what you got.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Re: Does being cheated on change who you are?
> 
> BY Rottdad42
> Yes, it does, forever. My view of women used to be one of "they won't do that." Being raised around great grandmothers, grandma, aunts, I was raised to respect women.
> ...




I think that I understand all three of the above posters.

First
Like Rottdad, I had the same upbringing. My grandmothers and aunts were fine respectable women as far as I know.

Like Dyokemm, 
I found out much later that not all were loyal.
Dyokemm really summed it up very nicety when he said:



> I think the maturing process in life is basically the tearing away of naivety one piece at a time.
> 
> Being cheated on is one of those moments. It rips away the veil and lets you see the reality of what people can be, even those who say they love you.


Having a decent childhood I tended to idealize my relatives and other grown ups. I think that may be rather natural. However, when you grow up and start seeing the real world you get a jolting education. I try not to get unbalanced and try to remeber and realize that the idealized view is off and then I try not get to cynical about humans because I have been stabbed in the heart. There is a balance in there somewhere. I know that now I have a better understanding of human nature.


Like BULL
I still think that most people are decent and try to do well. There are good men and woman and bad men and women. Now that I have been knocked out of my idealism I can better judge people and I am more secure in my judgments.

*So being cheated on will definitely jolt you and leave your heart bloody but you can heal up and use that to better understand humans.* Another thing that being betrayed did was awaken me to get myself in a more self reliant condition. I know *I can never be 100% self reliant but the closer I get to 100% the better I am.*

I really like Bull’s comment that he is not going to let the cheater change his adoring good women.

*Does cheating change who you are?
It can and it can even make you better!!*


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

CantePe said:


> Yup, I don't trust anyone anymore. Not just men but women too. I'm more harsh, more judgmental and have lots of resentment and will likely never be whole ever again. I will NEVER get married EVER again. It's a dead and useless "institution" I no longer believe in.
> 
> I will never let anyone that close to my heart or inner self ever again. It broke me, I doubt I will ever truly heal from it ever.


I don't know your story but 

.........the truth is underneath I do, in my bones - so yeah I couldn't agree more.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Mr Blunt said:


> [
> *So being cheated on will definitely jolt you and leave your heart bloody but you can heal up and use that to better understand humans. Another thing that being betrayed did was awaken me to get myself in a more self reliant condition. I know I can never be 100% self reliant but the closer I get to 100% the better I am.
> 
> I really like Bull’s comment that he is not going to let the cheater change his adoring good women.
> ...


You see things totally differently - the notion of idealized love is gone for good...also once you get past the myth of the "soulmate" you realize any partner is replaceable....

Blind trust with ANY person friend, wife, co-worker will get you burned...


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

In my case I found out about my wife's two affairs 20 years after they had happened. We had an idealistic marriage with my son commenting that we should lead a class on how to be married. 

Now I often find myself wondering how much is real. I can't think of our marriage during the times of her affairs anymore. I can't look at pictures, I can't think of anything being happy back then because it all looks like lies. I find myself wondering how much do I really know and worse how much do I want to know. Some days I wish I could take the blue pill back into the Matrix.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

confusedFather said:


> In my case I found out about my wife's two affairs 20 years after they had happened. We had an idealistic marriage with my son commenting that we should lead a class on how to be married.
> 
> Now I often find myself wondering how much is real. I can't think of our marriage during the times of her affairs anymore. I can't look at pictures, I can't think of anything being happy back then because it all looks like lies. I find myself wondering how much do I really know and worse how much do I want to know. Some days I wish I could take the blue pill back into the Matrix.


Is your wife remorseful?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

confusedFather said:


> In my case I found out about my wife's two affairs 20 years after they had happened. We had an idealistic marriage with my son commenting that we should lead a class on how to be married.
> 
> Now I often find myself wondering how much is real. I can't think of our marriage during the times of her affairs anymore. I can't look at pictures, I can't think of anything being happy back then because it all looks like lies. I find myself wondering how much do I really know and worse how much do I want to know. Some days I wish I could take the blue pill back into the Matrix.


Perhaps so.

But she stayed with you. She chose you.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Originally Posted by Mr Blunt [
> So being cheated on will definitely jolt you and leave your heart bloody but you can heal up and use that to better understand humans. Another thing that being betrayed did was awaken me to get myself in a more self reliant condition. I know I can never be 100% self reliant but the closer I get to 100% the better I am.
> 
> I really like Bull’s comment that he is not going to let the cheater change his adoring good women.
> ...




Your statement of “You see things totally differently - the notion of idealized love is gone for good” is you preaching to the choir. Did you read my entire post? Did you read my statement that said 

*



“…to remember and realize that the idealized view is off….

Click to expand...

*
Secondly, I said nothing in my post about blind trust. 
Your statement of “You see things totally differently” assumes that I made a statement about “blind trust” I said nothing about “blind Trust”


My point in the quote you reprinted above is that you can get better. Two ways that you can get better are to get yourself in a more self reliant position and to not let a cheater sour you on all women so that you can adore GOOD women.

*I do not know how you got that I was advocating “blind trust”.*

Now that I have responded to your post I want to add to my previous conclusion in addressing the original question of “Does Cheating change who you are? 

*Here is my addition
Yes it does. It can change you for the better or the worse and the BS has a part to play in which one occurs.*


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Blint I was agreeing with you and I was not saying you were advocating blind trust...perhpas my post was not clear


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

That's the thing - not only is everything tainted since my estimation of when the EA got underway early last year, but long before then. 

I'm free to believe what I want - I believe she has to some degree always had a cheating heart. Maybe that's wrong but her actions have thrown every thought every reflection into disarray. Why not think the worst, can it be any worse than this sh!t?

I'll say this - you get to know yourself one hell of a lot better. Which leads me to another point. I've lately been wondering about ownership.

I'm wondering if I am so old school that part of the anxiety of this has been the idea that I have lost control of my property. Do you older blokes know what I'm getting at?

I wonder if I have had that idea of ownership sewn up in me since the beginning of life and it manifests in ways I never thought about. Maybe the insult to the WS was just the fact that I let myself go, that my actions demonstrated in some way that I viewed her as a chattel. I was safe no matter what.

Certainly it reveals a lack of self respect and disrespect, even though we should consider the essence of the marriage vows (we never took them but it applies no less to long term defactos IMO)

Maybe others can share their thoughts on this ancient idea of ownership which permeates relationships even when we consider ourselves so modern and equal. 

PS: this does not excuse infidelity - ever! Effing cheating mongrels!!


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Thing is it strips you bear. Right down to your frame.

Mentally emotionally physically. 

It basically rips you from the inside out and the hole does not get filled in or repaired - it's just a chasm of numbness incredulity and pain

I wish we could transfer this whole feeling to the wayward spouse in mid adultery for just ten seconds 

That's all it would take - just ten seconds for them to get it


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## jules1990 (Jun 13, 2013)

I think I have been changed more by coming to the CWI fora and TAM in general, I feel I am wiser now and I see things in a very different light since learning about infidelity and how it is affecting peoples lives.

I have seen it up close and personal with my brothers situation but how he lives with it every day is a mystery to me?:scratchhead:


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Is your wife remorseful?


Yes - extremely so. This was a key factor in our R. However, it doesn't change how I look at the past. There is still a part of me that wonders if I know everything because she hid the affairs for so long. I understand her reasons for hiding them and I forgive her. We were in such a good place before Dday that sometimes I just wish I had never found out.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jules1990 said:


> I think I have been changed more by coming to the CWI fora and TAM in general, I feel I am wiser now and I see things in a very different light since learning about infidelity and how it is affecting peoples lives.
> 
> *I have seen it up close and personal with my brothers situation but how he lives with it every day is a mystery to me?*:scratchhead:


You do what you need to do to just survive in your relationship.


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## jules1990 (Jun 13, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> You do what you need to do to just survive in your relationship.


I think you are right but I also think it a kind of nostalgia to hold on to the past, you built a relationship and it didn't hold water, now seeing it from those terms I look at the WW/WH and the BS as survivors of the wreckage, now whilst the two survivors can work on R to build a better vessel being their new relationship and they can both help to steer it in a better course or they can go their own separate ways and find new boat builders who have better ideas in steering clear of danger.

Whilst I do understand R I also think a lunacy, as in, you got burned but you still play with fire.

I like the "catch 22 in reconciliation" thread, it showed me many opinions of those that have trodden that path!


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

My ex and I had this discussion many times and there started to be trouble when she started saying "I no longer believe in soul mate stuff" which is code for "I am looking elsewhere".


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## ClairesDad (Aug 27, 2013)

Glad I just found this website! Unfortunately, there are so many people in the same boat as me. 
Does being cheated on change who you are? You bet it does. I just found out last week that my wife has been cheating on me for 6 months. An absolute blow to the stomach. She is apologetic, remorseful, etc. Still I`m wondering if it's because she got caught. If she hadn't left her Kindle out, the affair would still be going on. This is the 2nd marriage for both of us. My first wife cheated on me, which ultimately ended my first marriage. My 2nd wife knew how this affected me and cheated anyway. My wife and I have 5 children, all from our first marriages. We are going to try and seek counseling. She said she would be completely open with me about her phone, Kindle, computer. Gave me all her passwords and everything. Still, every time she gets a call, a text, Facebook message, I have to see it. I don't trust her. Life sucks because I feel she is always going to try to go behind my back. If we get divorced, I feel I will always feel like this about future relationships. She has a pattern of doing this. An emotional relationship earlier in our marriage with some other man and she did this to her first husband. My life is a living hell right now. Unless she is in my sight, I feel that she is up to something.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

ClairesDad,

I see that you are a first time poster! Sorry you are here, but glad you found TAM.

Maybe a little thread to tell your story. It is good to write it out. It helps focus on processing the issues.

You will make it through these darkest days.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

ClairesDad said:


> Glad I just found this website! Unfortunately, there are so many people in the same boat as me.
> Does being cheated on change who you are? You bet it does. I just found out last week that my wife has been cheating on me for 6 months. An absolute blow to the stomach. She is apologetic, remorseful, etc. Still I`m wondering if it's because she got caught. If she hadn't left her Kindle out, the affair would still be going on. This is the 2nd marriage for both of us. My first wife cheated on me, which ultimately ended my first marriage. My 2nd wife knew how this affected me and cheated anyway. My wife and I have 5 children, all from our first marriages. We are going to try and seek counseling. She said she would be completely open with me about her phone, Kindle, computer. Gave me all her passwords and everything. Still, every time she gets a call, a text, Facebook message, I have to see it. I don't trust her. Life sucks because I feel she is always going to try to go behind my back. If we get divorced, I feel I will always feel like this about future relationships. She has a pattern of doing this. An emotional relationship earlier in our marriage with some other man and she did this to her first husband. My life is a living hell right now. Unless she is in my sight, I feel that she is up to something.


As Lovemytruck says, it might be worth copying and pasting this and putting it into a new thread - otherwise it might just get lost in this thread and that would be a shame.

Add a little more of the story and you're sure to get good advice.

You've been through it before, so maybe you know the drill, but a week in everything must be very raw.


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## ClairesDad (Aug 27, 2013)

Thanks for the replies. I may start a new thread. Don't know yet. Strange thing is, I still love my wife very much. The pain she caused me may make me choose a decision I'll regret later. If she is truly sorry, then I want to give our marriage a chance. I have been through this before. And in that marriage I did give my wife a second chance. She left me for her old boyfriend from college. That's after having 2 affairs. We were married 16 years. Maybe I`ll never learn my lesson. Lol


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

ClairesDad said:


> Thanks for the replies. I may start a new thread. Don't know yet. Strange thing is, I still love my wife very much. The pain she caused me may make me choose a decision I'll regret later. If she is truly sorry, then I want to give our marriage a chance. I have been through this before. And in that marriage I did give my wife a second chance. She left me for her old boyfriend from college. That's after having 2 affairs. We were married 16 years. Maybe I`ll never learn my lesson. Lol


Start a thread and tell us your story. Lots of advice to be found here to help you separate the wheat from the chaff.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

ClairesDad said:


> Thanks for the replies. I may start a new thread. Don't know yet. Strange thing is, I still love my wife very much. The pain she caused me may make me choose a decision I'll regret later. If she is truly sorry, then I want to give our marriage a chance. I have been through this before. And in that marriage I did give my wife a second chance. She left me for her old boyfriend from college. That's after having 2 affairs. We were married 16 years. Maybe I`ll never learn my lesson. Lol


Maybe have a think about it all; I'm sure you have lots, but go back and post the whole story. Maybe a fresh pair of eyes might be able to add something - give a way out for you now?

Just remember paragraphs


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

Another change is that I just don't get the same feeling when she says or does something sweet for me; no more spikes of joy. In the back of my mind I'm thinking "She said the same sweet things while she was cheating". It's all kind of tainted and jaded now. I hope this changes someday.


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

ClairesDad - You need to learn to respect yourself. You were cheated on in your first marriage then married a woman who cheated on her first husband and is now cheating on you. I don't know you but I know you deserve better.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

ClairesDad said:


> Thanks for the replies. I may start a new thread. Don't know yet. Strange thing is, I still love my wife very much. The pain she caused me may make me choose a decision I'll regret later. If she is truly sorry, then I want to give our marriage a chance. I have been through this before. And in that marriage I did give my wife a second chance. She left me for her old boyfriend from college. That's after having 2 affairs. We were married 16 years. Maybe I`ll never learn my lesson. Lol


Just guessing from your 1st wife, and you 2nd wife both feeling it was okay to cheat that you are very passive.

It makes me wonder if they felt that there would not be any consequences for their cheating. Just curious if that may be the case.

So sorry you were burned in 2 marriages. Is it different for you this time? 

That is part of the topic for this thread. Did it change you again, or did it change your reaction this time?


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Yes, it forces me to think ever single day about a POS I have never met. I was never like that.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

Of course it has. Learned too much the hard way.

While I still believe that our love will pull us through this horrific mess, I'm not the same person. And he has been changed too. By illness - both physical (quite serious) and mental. Throw his affair into the hopper - how could I NOT have been changed after all that?

Trust is now difficult for me. If there's a possible selfish motive for something my WS does, I will see it - it's hard for me to interpret things he does as anything BUT self-centered now. It's going to be hard for him to prove to me he's got me or us on his mind - even when he does, he's going to have to spell it out for me because if it's not obvious, I'm mentally keeping track of how many hours he spends on himself vs. how much time he devotes to couple/home stuff or to me (because he used to go overboard, in terms of spending money AND hours, on his own hobbies).

[He's got a lot of self-repair to do. He used to be a better man. He's disappointed in himself; I hope he can become more of the man he used to be, and help us both to respect him more.]

And I don't feel safe in the world like I used to. He was my hero, my protector - then he hurt me to the core of my being like nobody else could. I don't see him as my protector anymore. It's not like I thought there was a monster behind every tree and I needed him to save me from them, but I felt he "had my back." And I don't feel that way anymore. I know he would jump in front of a moving vehicle to save my life, but that's not what I mean - I can't believe that protecting me from ALL harm is important to him, because HE wounded me so deeply.

Maybe after a lot of MC and a lot of work on himself I might feel safer, but I'm sure I'll never trust the way I did and I'll never feel as safe as I did.


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## MarieG (Aug 23, 2013)

It absolutely changed me. The person that I was before H’s 1st affair no longer exists. I do not “feel” the same on the inside. 

I have become jealous, very insecure as a woman, somewhat cynical and have trust issues. I used to think that the world was my oyster.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

_Of course it has. Learned too much the hard way.

While I still believe that our love will pull us through this horrific mess, I'm not the same person. 
Trust is now difficult for me. If there's a possible selfish motive for something my WS does, I will see it - it's hard for me to interpret things he does as anything BUT self-centered now. It's going to be hard for him to prove to me he's got me or us on his mind - even when he does, he's going to have to spell it out for me because if it's not obvious, I'm mentally keeping track of how many hours he spends on himself vs. how much time he devotes to couple/home stuff or to me (because he used to go overboard, in terms of spending money AND hours, on his own hobbies).

[He's got a lot of self-repair to do. He used to be a better man. He's disappointed in himself; I hope he can become more of the man he used to be, and help us both to respect him more.]

And I don't feel safe in the world like I used to. He was my hero, my protector - then he hurt me to the core of my being like nobody else could. I don't see him as my protector anymore. It's not like I thought there was a monster behind every tree and I needed him to save me from them, but I felt he "had my back." And I don't feel that way anymore. I know he would jump in front of a moving vehicle to save my life, but that's not what I mean - I can't believe that protecting me from ALL harm is important to him, because HE wounded me so deeply.

Maybe after a lot of MC and a lot of work on himself I might feel safer, but I'm sure I'll never trust the way I did and I'll never feel as safe as I did_

I do wish you the best with your R. Even though I probably would have tried to R with my ex had she showed a willingness soon after Dday, I now consider myself fortunate that she didn't. 

I would never want to go through what you are going through now, and never being able to erase the betrayal from my mind, no matter how hard the WS tries.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

While I do not totally subscribe to the idea of Dr Willard Harvey that anybody can fall into an affair given the right set of circumstances, you MAY want to dwelve into why your wife felt so powerfully attracted to another man that she, nevertheless shared her body with another man. Your prerogative. I did and despite my efforts to help her feel validated as a wife/woman, she nevertheless cheated on me. My decision was to jettison the marriage. It hurt like the ripping of an arm or leg considering that I had been married to her for 10 years and my children from my first marriage loved her so much. She wanted sex with me but after witnessing her having sex with another man, I simply could not see myself having sex with her anymore, let alone being married to her.

We are all different as to what we can or cannot endure. But whatever you decide, it is not for us to judge you one way or another. But simply to emphasize *you will survive*. Good luck.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

A bit late to the party but I'll chime in for what it's worth.

Cheating absolutely changes you. I've always been a bit of a romantic, as for dating women, I never played the field, always went for something meaningful rather than the purely physical.

I've been cheated on twice. Both with long term partners.
The first time is like taking the red pill instead of the blue pill. All your preconceptions about happy lives, magical love, absolute trust are blown out the window. Worse than the person cheating, is the doubt that arises in you. Is it something you did, is it something that was lacking.

Who am I now? After being cheated on twice. I am stone. I tolerate zero nonsense right off the bat. Let me explain.

Any red flags results in immediate termination. Anything less than 100% mutual respect is not tolerated. My radar will forever be up. Our core values must be exclusive.

I am stone, but inside I still believe in the beauty of love. Just wont tolerate a lowering of standards to get to it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

confusedFather said:


> Another change is that I just don't get the same feeling when she says or does something sweet for me; no more spikes of joy. In the back of my mind I'm thinking "She said the same sweet things while she was cheating". It's all kind of tainted and jaded now. I hope this changes someday.


Which could mean that she never stopped thinking those sweet thoughts and feelings for you, but cheated on you, in any case.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

morituri said:


> While I do not totally subscribe to the idea of Dr Willard Harvey that anybody can fall into an affair given the right set of circumstances, you MAY want to dwelve into why your wife felt so powerfully attracted to another man that she, nevertheless shared her body with another man. Your prerogative. I did and despite my efforts to help her feel validated as a wife/woman, she nevertheless cheated on me. My decision was to jettison the marriage. It hurt like the ripping of an arm or leg considering that I had been married to her for 10 years and my children from my first marriage loved her so much. She wanted sex with me but after witnessing her having sex with another man, I simply could not see myself having sex with her anymore, let alone being married to her.
> 
> We are all different as to what we can or cannot endure. But whatever you decide, it is not for us to judge you one way or another. But simply to emphasize *you will survive*. Good luck.


Morituri, some posters here feel I was too easy on my wife. And, who knows, maybe I was.

But had I seen what you had seen, suffered like you suffered? There is no way that I could have continued being her husband.


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## bbird1 (May 22, 2011)

It indeed can change you and for many reasons. It would shatter your view of trust and love. Normally the one who is cheated on is taken unaware by the news and it will send them reeling.

Any traumatic experience can and does change us. Some changes are for the better and some are not. Mostly being cheated on is hurtful because of the realization of trust destroyed.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Morituri, some posters here feel I was too easy on my wife. And, who knows, maybe I was.
> 
> But had I seen what you had seen, suffered like you suffered? There is no way that I could have continued being her husband.


Matthew. You have, and will always have, my admiration and respect.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

morituri said:


> Matthew. You have, and will always have, my admiration and respect.


And you have my respect. And anyone who uses a quote from Heinlein as his sig? Yeah! You are the man!:smthumbup:


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## user_zero (Aug 30, 2013)

> the idea of Dr Willard Harvey that anybody can fall into an affair given the right set of circumstances


morituri,

I believe Dr Willard Harvey is missing something in this equation and that's choice.

the person's background , religious view , family background , past relationships , age , gender , marriage situation , number of kids , ... 
all of these parameters only affects the probability of having an affair meaning by choosing someone who has 'better' values in these parameters or trying to keep values at a good level you can lower the probability of them having an affair. but can never make it 0 or 100%. you don't have full control on what your partner does. whatever they do is on them. 

you know that's why when two people are truly in love and in a honest, meaningful relationship. they feel good about their partners and themselves. they know they (both themselves and their partners) could cheat but they don't.


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## Vulcanized (Aug 13, 2013)

XH killed my naivete. I no longer trust anyone fully other than my mother and my pets. Friends get the sliding scale.

XH not killed our M, but also added a serious handicap to all future relationships. Despite trying to not let this **** taint me, it's still there ...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Vulcanized said:


> XH killed my naivete. I no longer trust anyone fully other than my mother and my pets. Friends get the sliding scale.
> 
> XH not killed our M, but also added a serious handicap to all future relationships. Despite trying to not let this **** taint me, it's still there ...


You know, I'm not sure which cheating girl friend changed my outlook on life. The first? Well, she took my naivety, true. Or maybe it was the second, my first LTR who let me go so she could move her female lover into her house? Yeah. Probably. We broke up in 1981/82 and if I am honest, I still have the same loving feelings for her now, as I did 32 years ago. It's like my feelings for her, and the hurt, are stuck in amber. Thinking about it is triggering me, even after all these years. Weird.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

user_zero said:


> you know that's why when two people are truly in love and in a honest, meaningful relationship. they feel good about their partners and themselves. they know they (both themselves and their partners) could cheat but they don't.


I agree but only as so much BOTH have emotional fortitude that has not been compromised by a trauma such as a horrific rape that was never dealt with (as was with my ex-wife's case). 

God may have wanted me to posses His grace to transcend my ex-wife's betrayal and be there for her. But I am not that spiritually evolved there, yet.


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## user_zero (Aug 30, 2013)

morituri said:


> I agree but only as so much BOTH have emotional fortitude that has not been compromised by a trauma such as a horrific rape that was never dealt with (as was with my ex-wife's case).
> 
> God may have wanted me to posses His grace to transcend my ex-wife's betrayal and be there for her. But I am not that spiritually evolved there, yet.


about the first paragraph, I respectfully disagree with you. I have seen people who had trauma in their life (mostly in childhood : rape , abused mentally and physically by their parents or siblings ,...) and they didn't cheat or become abuser or serial killers , ...
my question is what is that makes the difference? you know we keep trying to find some reason in all those parameters I said in previous post to make it acceptable , less painful. the truth is those are just changing the probability of making wrong/right choices. the rape victim who engages in self-destructive behavior (drinking , drugs , cheating , ...) at some point knows what he/she is doing isn't solving anything. they know that they are wrong but they still do it. they keep trying to find reasons (excuses) to continue the behavior. its usually because they are emotionally immature. they gotta go to IC , talk with psychiatrist so they could change these self-destructive behavior with healthy ones and frankly by the time they go to the IC they created so many excuses (barriers) in their mind and its fonna take real effort and time to brake those barriers. and I don't believe there are still a lot of BS's who would go down that road.

---------------
about the second paragraph : I believe that one of good things religion (mostly the belief in Higher Power) brings to people its the peace that comes from believing that there is something good in everything happens to us even the worst ones. but I also believe that although forgiveness, patience , having faith , ... are good, that doesn't mean that you must endure every kinda pain at the expense of your own mental , physical health. while forgiveness is good , it doesn't mean there shouldn't be consequences.
I just remembered something : when I was younger I played soccer with my friends in my neighborhood. one time I accidentally broke a window of one of neighbors. I went to take the ball. he was angry at first, but eventually he said that he forgives us. he is not going to make a complaint. but we had to repair the window. which we did. There is a big difference between forgiveness and not having any consequences.

PS: Is what I just did called thread jacking ?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

user_zero said:


> about the first paragraph, I respectfully disagree with you. I have seen people who had trauma in their life (mostly in childhood : rape , abused mentally and physically by their parents or siblings ,...) and they didn't cheat or become abuser or serial killers , ...
> my question is what is that makes the difference? you know we keep trying to find some reason in all those parameters I said in previous post to make it acceptable , less painful. the truth is those are just changing the probability of making wrong/right choices. the rape victim who engages in self-destructive behavior (drinking , drugs , cheating , ...) at some point knows what he/she is doing isn't solving anything. they know that they are wrong but they still do it. they keep trying to find reasons (excuses) to continue the behavior. its usually because they are emotionally immature. they gotta go to IC , talk with psychiatrist so they could change these self-destructive behavior with healthy ones and frankly by the time they go to the IC they created so many excuses (barriers) in their mind and its fonna take real effort and time to brake those barriers. and I don't believe there are still a lot of BS's who would go down that road.
> 
> ---------------
> ...


You know what I think makes the difference? Dumb luck. Simple as that.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

I was in a really bad place. I had become a grumpy, depressed and unattractive man. Now I am less of those things but worse. I am now a betrayed spouse and I can't change it. I have to fight my way out of the poor self image and all the other sh!t, which I have done with modest success, but live with a new rejection. I rejected myself and then my WS rejected me. Double whammy. It is really hard to get on top of what I let myself become and the body blow she hit me with. Now not a day goes by where I don't look at her or think of her as a negative part of my life. When she kissed me good night last night I felt terrible about it even though I responded, put on my best face. She knows and I know that we are in this God awful place but the thing is she is doing better because she has that job to go to - she has status and she still has that thing going on which drove the affair - that she is desirable. I don't have any of that and it sucks.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Yes it changes you. My husbands fiancé cheated on him and despite us being married 22 years (faithfully) he has insecurities and strong boundaries regarding me. I'm cool with it because I understand. She had a huge rock, the date was set and she was banging her ex. How can that not change you?


And yet, people who know me, they don't really know me at all. Or my wife, for that matter.

A young colleague told me: "You and your wife, you are both great! You are old, well, older, yet you obviously love each other very much. I look at you and I know you'd never cheat on her and that she'd never cheat on you!"

For one crazy moment I wanted to tell her the *real* story of our sometime dysfunctional relationship but I realised it would have been like shouting at a little kitten and I couldn't do it. I gave her a nice, safe reply.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I think being cheated on and the aftermath, especially with the drama I've endured with my XWS's family has definitely changed me. In some ways, I'm better off emotionally, mentally and definitely stronger. However, I am definitely... I don't know if I want to say bitter but a lot less trusting/loving of people in general. 

This experience has made me realize who has my back and who doesn't. I expected more out of a lot of people - the goodness in people before this experience because I expected the same for myself. However I've learned you can't hold anyone to the same standards as you apply to yourself. Some people will be better than you and a lot will be much, much, worse.


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## user_zero (Aug 30, 2013)

Miss Taken said:


> I think being cheated on and the aftermath, especially with the drama I've endured with my XWS's family has definitely changed me. In some ways, I'm better off emotionally, mentally and definitely stronger. However, I am definitely... I don't know if I want to say bitter but a lot less trusting/loving of people in general.
> 
> This experience has made me realize who has my back and who doesn't. I expected more out of a lot of people - the goodness in people before this experience because I expected the same for myself. However I've learned you can't hold anyone to the same standards as you apply to yourself. Some people will be better than you and a lot will be much, much, worse.


I guess there is a saying for this : "just because you're playing nice , doesn't mean I should too."
I think that realization is the one that hurts the most.


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## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

These lyrics to a Fiona Apple song sum up how my husband's cheating changed me:

What you did to me made me
See myself something different
Though I try to talk sense to myself
But I just won't listen

Won't you go away
Turned yourself in
You're no good at confession
Before the image that you burned me in
Tries to teach you a lesson

*What you did to me made me see myself somethin' awful*
A voice once stentorian is now again meek and muffled
It took me such a long time to get back up the first time you did it
I spent all I had to get it back, and now it seems I've been outbidded

*My peace and quiet was stolen from me*
When I was looking with calm affection
You were searching out my imperfections

What wasted unconditional love
On somebody
Who doesn't believe in the stuff

You came upon me like a hypnic jerk
When I was just about settled
And when it counts you recoil
With a cryptic word and leave a love belittled

Oh what a cold and common old way to go
I was feeding on the need for you to know me
Devastated at the rate you fell below me

What wasted unconditional love
On somebody
Who doesn't believe in the stuff

Oh, well


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## Amazingpiggy (Dec 23, 2012)

Definitely it had changed me. No longer trust any person, my family member doesn't support me emotionally. Basically, I living on my own, and depend on myself.

My view on marriage and guys has changed also.


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## JessieP (Feb 28, 2012)

Without a doubt this has changed me....he used to be the only person I trusted whole-heartedly....now I have no one. I basically have hidden away the "real" me....I am so guarded and have pushed a lot of my friends away.....I sometimes think I would be better off living on a deserted island.


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## irishsobno4 (Apr 23, 2013)

yes it defiantly did change me! turned me into a total puddle.
I also learned that I am a strong person maybe because I have children who I adore. before I had children I more than likely would have been spending time in jail. I also learned why it happens and what causes a marriage to fall apart, the mans side anyway. if only I knew then what I know now. I think the book the 5 love languages should be a mandatory read before you can get married. also should be read annually. also men need to quit chasing after a break-up and let their significant other have space she will let you know when she is ready.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> Yes it changes you. My husbands fiancé cheated on him and despite us being married 22 years (faithfully) he has insecurities and strong boundaries regarding me. I'm cool with it because I understand. She had a huge rock, the date was set and she was banging her ex. How can that not change you?


Boy don't I know that one. 
Huge rock, vows, two weeks later she was shagging her ex.
TWO WEEKS. 
Fvck. Me. Runnin'.


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## darklilly23 (May 26, 2013)

Humm, yes and no.
I feel very betrayed and only time and a new relationship will tell if I carry that baggage with me.
The good thing that has come of all this for me is I have a even better, deeper understanding of who I am by seeing who my Ex was not and who I had hoped he was.

I now know to go with your gut always!

I think I can now tell the difference between what I want someone to be and who they are.
Which would save my stbxh a world of grief if he would have the foresight to see that train wreck coming down the line 
Sorry, I should not laugh... Bad darklilly...

Once again I don't know what kind of baggage will stick to me but I am going to try to learn as much about myself, other people and the world.
I know life is full of curveballs but I don't have to walk around blind out of my own ignorance either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Sure it did and does, my outlook on many things has changed, you go for years with a set of values, absolutes and behavior patterns and cheating twists it all up. As I come across something old or new I must make a decision on how to act/react/acccept/deny that new thing, like learning to walk again.

The good- I think I have become a better dad, it is tough especially when your kids have relationship issues but I try harder to just talk to them more and make sure they know how much love and pride I have for them.

I rarely drink anymore a few drinks or beers and that's it I can count on one hand how many times I have been fuzzy in the last year or more(except right after dday holy h3ll my liver still hurts)

The bad- I have very little sympathy for anyone except my kids really I just don't care even towards many of my friends, they are still friends but they feel a lot like acquaintances , I do have a couple close people that I don't feel this way towards but not many.

Confidence- there was a time when I knew I could handle anything, needed more money heck what's another 20-30 hours this week. I won't even go to far about sex cause that is still an issue.

Over all I think being cheated on weakens your spirit you lose that spark that was there before, even happy days are tempered by some sorrow. I haven't given up on getting it back just not sure how to find it right now.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

*Re: Re: Does being cheated on change who you are?*



love=pain said:


> The bad- I have very little sympathy for anyone except my kids really I just don't care even towards many of my friends, they are still friends but they feel a lot like acquaintances , I do have a couple close people that I don't feel this way towards but not many.
> 
> Confidence- there was a time when I knew I could handle anything, needed more money heck what's another 20-30 hours this week. I won't even go to far about sex cause that is still an issue.
> 
> Over all I think being cheated on weakens your spirit you lose that spark that was there before, even happy days are tempered by some sorrow. I haven't given up on getting it back just not sure how to find it right now.


This is exactly how I'm feeling about people right now. It sucks, I hate it but I really have no idea how to stop it....I recognize it and know why I'm in this place...just can't seem to snap out of that mindset one bit. No sympathy - even with close friends I've known for 15+ years....

I do feel like I lost my spark. When I laugh I don't feel it in my soul like I used to....even at really really hilarious things. My sense of humor and joke cracking have gone to more of a sarcastic, cynical nature instead of goofy silly and fun....

I guess after so many times of being betrayed you just start to lose faith in anyone but yourself.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

I'll say it does. My wife cheated on me and left me just weeks after I got out of the military for her, only to start an affair with some dumbass of a downgrade boyfriend who would believe her professional victim schtick. 

I used to feel hurt and needy for other women's approval, and for a long time I was emotionally stuck in Limbo. Then I went through a phrase where I was a HUGE D!CK and trusted no one. Now I'm somewhere between going my own way and strictly platonic friendships with women, which seems to make me more attractive to women... because I don't chase women for sex, and I still think and act like husband material without all of the chasing and bullsh!t you'd get from single guys.

So in a way getting cheated on and divorcing a bad woman was the wost and the best thing to happen to me.:smthumbup:


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## ChefSkullz (Mar 10, 2012)

Yes your partner cheating does change you. for myself personally I've become more angry than i ever have. I raise my voice to my children more often than i'd like, I've been stuck in deep depression. i lost my best friend(back stabbing s.o.b.) of 10+ years and most of our mutual friends because i will not forgive him, and because my wife and i cant survive on our own either way we have to live together. were i'm trying to get us to counseling and work on us because she is the love of my life, but i'm feeling it isn't mutual. And the worse part of this is she can set off my depression by the tone in her voice when she talks to me. I'm unsure if she is doing it on purpose.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

It did not make me distrust women in general but it certainly made me distrust my judgment of character in others.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

- I envy all my friends who have faithful spouses and it makes me sad when I meet them. I always felt happy meeting them before.

- I would have a hard time being with someone else. Like Morituri above, I wouldn't trust myself to be able see through them either. Therefore this is possibly the last relationship I will ever have. 

- He pretended to the OW that he was single. Nobody has ever made me invisible before so I feel humiliated. I fear that maybe people see that I can be walked over and trashed which I NEVER felt before. So I am doubting myself on that level too. 

- I am still with him because I still don't know the truth (yet!) which makes it impossible to make an informed decision and there is also a difficult financial aspect. These are good reasons to stay for now but I still feel ashamed to be here. I NEVER felt ashamed of myself before. 

So kinda looks like me or my life will never be the same again doesn't it :-(


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## Annie 54 (Mar 24, 2013)

Totally understand the not wanting to second guess where they are and what they may or may not be doing ... that is the part the destroys you...

It is possible to trust again but it takes the right partner and lots of time and patience I too would walk away in a heart beat and never look back if my new partner EVER cheated on me .... He was also cheated on so maybe that gives us an insight into each others emotional needs .....


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

********** said:


> - I envy all my friends who have faithful spouses and it makes me sad when I meet them. I always felt happy meeting them before.



I used to think the same thing, but then after my DDay, I had it out with one of the so called friends. The comment was made to her that she had no right to talk as she supported my WW throughout her A and new about it yet never told me. I said she would never know how it bad it hurt. She said she could sympathize with me, and I said no she couldn't as without ever going through it herself, how would she know the hurt it imposes. SHe then said how would you know I hadn't gone through it? I asked had her H cheated on her or her on him. SHe said her private life was none of my business. I then said i knew she had. SHe got defensive and questioned why I thought that. I said there is no shame in admitting that you have never been cheated on and any one whom hadn't would freely admit it. By skirting the question and issue, she was admitting that she had infidelity in her life. SHe got mad and hung up. I then saw another couple and found a out about their infidelity as well. It is more prevalent than we think and lots are involved with the same issue we are facing, yet put on that good front. I have since my DDay found out about 5 different couples I would have thought had faithful marriages, and it is not so. Infidelity os common place everywhere these days.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

My oath it does! You find out who you really are and what you are made of. F**k all cheaters!!!!


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Yep

Now, I realize that a huge portion of the human population are shallow, self-centered egotists.

Reading TAM forums proves that every day with more and more people sharing their debilitating stories of infidelity and other devastation inflicted by people who vow (not just claim or say it but took the oath, spent the cash, declared it in front of God and everybody) to love you. Betrayal at it's worst. 

I also think media has helped to desensitize masses of people.
Sex becomes THE motivating force. People have lost character. Even the Judicial system has changed to where Adultery is no longer a crime in most states.

Life is a whole lot messier than it needs to be.

I vowed to be faithful and I was, period.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Vows are nothing more than spoken words anymore. People in the military, government, and all walks of life take vows at their job to defend the country, it's good people, and to do the best for it but in the end usually are out for what they can get and me centric. Think about the vows congress and the president take when swearing into office yet never following through with (heck some even swear on the bible when they aren't religious or of the Christian faith, so what does that say about the vows we take??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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