# I don't want to be a good girl anymore



## leslie2 (Apr 21, 2014)

So my husband cheated on me with multiply women online, I know for sure he never met them in real life (have proof I guess in 99%) but he did have virtual sex with them and they exchanged naked pictures etc. I have been nothing but a perfect, loving loyal wife. Everything a man could ask in a woman. I agreed to work on things and he has been very good so far, I know cause I am a freaking detective and he has no idea that I can get to all his stuff cell phone, computer, you name it I am there etc. but there are days when I feel like it's not enough anymore... Like I just want to check out what's there... maybe there is somebody better... so I am thinking about talking to other men I guess to find out if I am staying with my husband because of true love or just fear that I won't fall in love so deeply anymore. Ugh, I know it's wrong and it's against everything I believed in but I guess that is what a cheater does to you. You don't want to be a good girl anymore. It's not worth it. at least for that one.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Look at the people here who have had revenge affairs (RA) like Joe Kidd, Mattmatt, and they will tell you how a RA isn't worth it. It doesn't take the pain away. Do the honorable thing and end the marriage first. You can hold your head up and know that you did the right thing. Its tempting to be a bad girl, but is it worth your self respect?


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## leslie2 (Apr 21, 2014)

I wouldn't really do much... Just talk... I would never exchanged pics or have online sex and stuff like that... my husband is the only one that ever had the privilege to experience that... It's just not me... I don't have the need to ensure anyone that I am hot etc. I know my self-worth... I guess I just need to talk to a man to find out how it feels again.... Idk sometimes I feel so lost...


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

leslie2 said:


> I wouldn't really do much... Just talk... I would never exchanged pics or have online sex and stuff like that... my husband is the only one that ever had the privilege to experience that... It's just not me... I don't have the need to ensure anyone that I am hot etc. I know my self-worth... I guess I just need to talk to a man to find out how it feels again.... Idk sometimes I feel so lost...


That's what they all say.


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## leslie2 (Apr 21, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> That's what they all say.


well I am not like that. I know. in this sick times online sex became so cheap that u would think that everyone would do it. I have never done it with anyone except my husband and I would never just let some strange guy see me like that. No way. It should be a privilege not something so cheap.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

leslie2 said:


> well I am not like that. I know. in this sick times online sex became so cheap that u would think that everyone would do it. I have never done it with anyone except my husband and I would never just let some strange guy see me like that. No way. It should be a privilege not something so cheap.



Then don't do it. All wrong deeds start out with wrong thoughts. Get those thoughts out of your head.

Why not be the bad girl you want to be with your husband?


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

leslie2 said:


> well I am not like that. I know. in this sick times online sex became so cheap that u would think that everyone would do it. I have never done it with anyone except my husband and I would never just let some strange guy see me like that. No way. It should be a privilege not something so cheap.


You're not broken, so focus on your husband fixing himself. If he does not stop 100% immediately and to your satisfaction, take the high road. He totally owns what he did. His responsibility. 

Never give in to evil. Ever.


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## leslie2 (Apr 21, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> Then don't do it. All wrong deeds start out with wrong thoughts. Get those thoughts out of your head.
> 
> Why not be the bad girl you want to be with your husband?


well I didn't mean it in a sexual way... Just as a person... I have been so faithful and he played it all the way so I feel like why not to talk to other men... Idk I have never done it before, does talk to other men mean online sex? Dang I am young but looks like I have been living in a fantasy world for a while since I dont know that thats what it means now...


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

leslie2 said:


> well I didn't mean it in a sexual way... Just as a person... I have been so faithful and he played it all the way so I feel like why not to talk to other men... Idk I have never done it before, does talk to other men mean online sex? Dang I am young but looks like I have been living in a fantasy world for a while since I dont know that thats what it means now...


You used the term *bad girl*. The response is to that. You mean good girl but tempted? No thanks.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

leslie2 said:


> I wouldn't really do much... Just talk... I would never exchanged pics or have online sex and stuff like that... my husband is the only one that ever had the privilege to experience that... It's just not me... I don't have the need to ensure anyone that I am hot etc. I know my self-worth... I guess I just need to talk to a man to find out how it feels again.... Idk sometimes I feel so lost...


It is very normal to have feelings of wanting to cheat. It often will feel like it's the only way to get your self worth back... and maybe even let him see how bad it hurts.

If you do it, you will be the one who is the most hurt by what you do. You are the one who will compromise your own integrity.

Also keep in mind that most of those guy you will be talking to are married men. Are you willing to participate in harming other marriages (and their children) so that you can use the husband to feel better? There are much better ways of you working through this.

If you do this it will not stop at just simple chat because the men are going to push you little by little to do more. I've seen this happen, it's like opening Pandora's box. Once you open it, you cannot get everything back in the box.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

leslie2 said:


> well I didn't mean it in a sexual way... Just as a person... I have been so faithful and he played it all the way so I feel like why not to talk to other men... Idk I have never done it before, does talk to other men mean online sex? Dang I am young but looks like I have been living in a fantasy world for a while since I dont know that thats what it means now...


Men on the internet do not took for women to talk to. They are looking for sex, even if it's virtual sex. Men do not spend time with women unless it's a woman they want to have sex with.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Please do not do this, it is like throwing another bomb on the marriage.

Keep up your good boundaries, it will help you in your entire life.

if you do find that you are going down the same road as your H, divorce first, before cheating.

So has your H made any changes? Is he remorseful? is he transparent? Has he stopped all contact? 

If not, have you exposed his behavior? Will he go to MC with you and IC for him?

Do you have children?

I am sorry for your pain, the rejection hurts. 

At least to me it feels like rejection. Those that cheat, they sometimes do not see it that way.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

I'd say don't go from good girl to bad girl. Go from good girl to tough girl. Or strong girl.

Show your husband how strong a person has to be to fulfill their vows, and how angry and resolute they can be when wronged.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

i don't think talking to men online will make you feel any better. 

the sites you would go to are there for hook ups and if that's not what you want you are wasting everyone's time. 


are you looking to hurt you H and show him how it feels to be betrayed?


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Maybe a legal separation would be the best in this situation. You could then be legally apart and allowed to date (although this means he could as well, and you would have to live with the consequences of both your decisions and actions during this period). 

Two wrongs don't make a right, and it is perfectly normal to have these feelings after a betrayal has occurred. If you sink to his level then you are no better than he. Like has been said, it always starts out innocent and you are determined not to cross your boundaries, but it doesn't take much for those boundaries to gray and become blurred. 

Once you cross them the next time is that much easier and eventually you don't know how you got in as deep as you are, but you know there is no going back nor forgetting what you have done and you will now be what you hate him for having become.

Is this what you want for yourself? I can bet not.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Can you be more specific about what your husband did? What has he done to rehabilitate himself? Can he actually do anything to save this?

I was thinking of the separation thing too but you should probably look at that more as a stepping stone to divorce. Could the two of you possibly get back together after you both went out to bang other people?


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## Baablacksheep (Aug 29, 2013)

leslie2 said:


> So my husband cheated on me with multiply women online, I know for sure he never met them in real life (have proof I guess in 99%) but he did have virtual sex with them and they exchanged naked pictures etc. I have been nothing but a perfect, loving loyal wife. Everything a man could ask in a woman. I agreed to work on things and he has been very good so far, I know cause I am a freaking detective and he has no idea that I can get to all his stuff cell phone, computer, you name it I am there etc. but there are days when I feel like it's not enough anymore... Like I just want to check out what's there... maybe there is somebody better... so I am thinking about talking to other men I guess to find out if I am staying with my husband because of true love or just fear that I won't fall in love so deeply anymore. Ugh, I know it's wrong and it's against everything I believed in but I guess that is what a cheater does to you. You don't want to be a good girl anymore. It's not worth it. at least for that one.


Have you said this to your husband ? I think you would be better served by telling him than strangers on this forum......


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## leslie2 (Apr 21, 2014)

thanks guys... I know it's not right. I guess I am during the process of forgiving him, because I go literally high when I am super happy, super positive and then sometimes I hit lows when I feel like I wrote I feel at the beginning of the post... I definitely do not look for sex online, I guess just for somebody to talk to... which is prob. impossible nowadays, honestly I dont even know since I have never done that online dating thing, but thanks for letting me know and no I would never talk to somebody that is married, God no. My husband is doing really well to be honest... he is very loving and caring and really seems like he is over that whole thing, but since he has been doing it for a while and failed to stop twice until literally I lost it and he realized that he ruined our marriage and that he will loose me, that is when he stopped. I guess I am just being scared, like every person that has been cheated on, that he will do it again at some point so it's always good to have some kind of back up plan...


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

DONT cheat...2 wrongs rule
tell him you want a separation and to see other people, you cant get over his infidelity and this is your last shot...

if he refuses, tell him its time for D

I dont blame you one bit, infidelity destroys the marriage, the vows, nullifies the contract...but dont sink to his level...be able to look back 10 years from now and know you took the high road...


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Leslie, don't do anything that you know to be against your nature, and certainly not for revenge or to "even things up". Be true to yourself.

Having said that, it's understandable that, having experienced this, you may feel somewhat less-than-attractive, and that's a real shame. Many of us have been there.

And, while I'm hesitant to heap any more hurt or uncertainly upon you, how certain are you that you husband has stopped talking/sexting/whatever w/ other women? Or, for that matter, that he never engaged in any degree of actual, physical sex w/ other women? Do you now have complete access to all of his devices, e-mail and social media accounts?

Have the two of you been to counseling at all?


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

leslie2 said:


> thanks guys... I know it's not right. I guess I am during the process of forgiving him, because I go literally high when I am super happy, super positive and then sometimes I hit lows when I feel like I wrote I feel at the beginning of the post... I definitely do not look for sex online, I guess just for somebody to talk to... which is prob. impossible nowadays, honestly I dont even know since I have never done that online dating thing, but thanks for letting me know and *no I would never talk to somebody that is married, God no. *My husband is doing really well to be honest... he is very loving and caring and really seems like he is over that whole thing, but since he has been doing it for a while and failed to stop twice until literally I lost it and he realized that he ruined our marriage and that he will loose me, that is when he stopped. I guess I am just being scared, like every person that has been cheated on, that he will do it again at some point so it's always good to have some kind of back up plan...


It's online, so you don't get to really choose if this happens or not. You will never know for sure if the person, is male/ female, married/ single/divorced, gay/straight/bi, young/old, etc. You only know what they want you to know and perceive. Most online are only looking to fill some void in their life and that generally is what they see as a sexual void, so the talk will eventually lead you to that door.

Even if you decide to D or R, down the road you can at least look at yourself in the mirror and know you did the honorable thing and not feel disgrace and dishonor for your actions. It is one of the few things keeping me on the straight and narrow to know that everyday my WW has to look in the mirror and see the pain and destruction in her face for what SHE is responsible for. She has mentioned this to me once.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

leslie2 said:


> So my husband cheated on me with multiply women online, I know for sure he never met them in real life (have proof I guess in 99%) but he did have virtual sex with them and they exchanged naked pictures etc. I have been nothing but a perfect, loving loyal wife. Everything a man could ask in a woman. I agreed to work on things and he has been very good so far, I know cause I am a freaking detective and he has no idea that I can get to all his stuff cell phone, computer, you name it I am there etc. but there are days when I feel like it's not enough anymore... Like I just want to check out what's there... maybe there is somebody better... so I am thinking about talking to other men I guess to find out if I am staying with my husband because of true love or just fear that I won't fall in love so deeply anymore. Ugh, I know it's wrong and it's against everything I believed in but I guess that is what a cheater does to you. You don't want to be a good girl anymore. It's not worth it. at least for that one.


Just remember you have to live with yourself and look in the mirror at your reflection. 

Always be true to yourself- even if others aren't to you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

leslie2 said:


> and no I would never talk to somebody that is married, God no. .


One of the problems is that you will not know if the person is married or not. They might say that they are single. But married guys lie about this all the time. Especially on the internet.


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## leslie2 (Apr 21, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Leslie, don't do anything that you know to be against your nature, and certainly not for revenge or to "even things up". Be true to yourself.
> 
> Having said that, it's understandable that, having experienced this, you may feel somewhat less-than-attractive, and that's a real shame. Many of us have been there.
> 
> ...


Cause I got on all of his stuff. I mean I was logged in in his accounts and mostly it was "hey you wanna chat?" the conversations never went to actually planning to meet up but like I said at the beginning of this thread it's 99% you never know... I also read one convo he had with his ex, when he said that he was close but didnt cheat and he is not a cheater (he though online chatting was not a cheating and when it hit him that it was that is when he stopped ). He knows only about half of the stuff I know, so that is why I believe he stopped because I check stuff that he has no idea I have access to and so far he's been good with that...


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Leslie being a Detective myself and a guy, trust me it crushes the ego. I know and understand. 

Like they tell you in the Police Academy, need to have a thicker skin then the rest and you are expected to have a higher level of integrity then everyone else. 

Well that also follows through in this instance.

Being a female cop you pretty much have the pick of litter, like being the only woman in a bar full of men.. So it is sad your husband doesn't know or realize this. 

If your that sure he never had a physical affair and are willing to fix this then I would suggest counseling for the both of you. Assuming he wants to go. If he doesn't or starts with the this is bullsh1t, why do we have to keep going to this every week then it is obvious you need to consider your future. 

I have sadly learned that if someone really does not want to go to therapy all they will do is lie and still cheat. My Ex had me and the therapist going. 

But you should come on strong and try to nip this in the bud ASAP and not let it drag out. 

Also are you posting this stuff just to let him see it ? Make him sweat ?

Nutshell go strong to fix this sh1t and if you see he starts doing it half a$$ed dump him and move on. Don't try to coax or convince him otherwise. This stuff should be like a new religion to him. 

But I am going to tell you therapy is FOREVER.. Its not we went for 1 year and we are fixed.. That is what me and my Ex did 2 or 3 times.. We went for a period of time and then got the you are healed and moved on. 

I truly believe if we went in for maintenance at least 1 every 3 months for a 2 hour session that *MAYBE* *( nothing is absolute )* these other issue would have come up and could have been addressed before they got to the point they did.. We might have still been happily married today.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Leslie. Hi. Talk to us! You are one a rare breed of people who recognize when they are in danger and have, by coming here, reached out or help and probably more important at this stage. Support.
We are mostly quiet nice people and have walked in your shoes. 
I totally get why you want a revenge affair. You are feeling betrayed, lost and damned fed up. I suspect you are internalizing this and looking or a solution on your own. What I suggest is that rather than living like this you need to do something.
Your man is having multiple EA's and contrary to popular opinion men can enjoy the attention and sexiness of that with no intention of ever meeting. The key word here is "intention" They do not plan to but eventually they will because they will form a real bond. 
Rather that having an affair there is something else you could do.
Get Angry. Be demanding and tell him that this must stop and stop now.


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## leslie2 (Apr 21, 2014)

first of all I freaking love you guys. oh you are very very smart people. 

About therapy my husband admitted to me and himself that indeed he has a problem and he told me he will go wherever he has to go to talk about it and fix it. I was very surprised by that because I really thought he will say hell no. 

Now. I think the way I feel sometimes... probably the way a lot of cheated on people feel like... it's because I made a choice to be with him. I MADE it, it was not him or me trying to be desperate or thinking I cant do better. I chose him. I don't want to sound full of myself, but my entire life I have been admired by other males and I do know my own value and I never acted irresponsible or erratic because omg an attractive male paid attention to me. Like I don't need to text or cheat with other men or look for approval. At least not in the past. Yes my self esteem as a young woman is low right now. Still, I decided to stay faithful and work on things, its just sometimes I get into this weird mood. And I know it's serious since I have never felt like that before. I made the choice to be with him because I thought he was DIFFERENT. It broke my heart to find out that he is just another immature, horny dog out there. Gosh why men are so weak? I feel disgusted by it because I had so many chances and he would never ever find out and still I couldn't do that to him. Anyways... we will see... it's still fresh...


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I suggest that you take a little time, step away, and decide just what you need to do. 

If you want to live with an addict, then give him support snd help him to get some professional therapy. Perhaps he will stay on top of his struggles and things will be ok. 

But if that road seems to not be worth it thrn end it quickly.


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

leslie2 said:


> first of all I freaking love you guys. oh you are very very smart people.
> 
> About therapy my husband admitted to me and himself that indeed he has a problem and he told me he will go wherever he has to go to talk about it and fix it. I was very surprised by that because I really thought he will say hell no.
> 
> Now. I think the way I feel sometimes... probably the way a lot of cheated on people feel like... it's because I made a choice to be with him. I MADE it, it was not him or me trying to be desperate or thinking I cant do better. I chose him. I don't want to sound full of myself, but my entire life I have been admired by other males and I do know my own value and I never acted irresponsible or erratic because omg an attractive male paid attention to me. Like I don't need to text or cheat with other men or look for approval. At least not in the past. Yes my self esteem as a young woman is low right now. Still, I decided to stay faithful and work on things, its just sometimes I get into this weird mood. And I know it's serious since I have never felt like that before. I made the choice to be with him because I thought he was DIFFERENT. It broke my heart to find out that he is just another immature, horny dog out there. Gosh why men are so weak? I feel disgusted by it because I had so many chances and he would never ever find out and still I couldn't do that to him. Anyways... we will see... it's still fresh...


It sounds to me like you are already distancing yourself from your husband and you want to explore your sexuality with other men. You're young, other men admire you, and you see your husband as an immature boy, not as a man.

Ask yourself seriously and honestly if that's what you want to do, and if yes, then do the right thing: end the marriage and see whether the grass is greener on the other side after all.

Plenty of affairs start with a wife "who just wants to talk." That's all it takes.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

First of all. Men are pretty much all "horn dogs" when we are young and for some of us it never goes away. Sex plays a big part in making a man feel loved. Of course a woman wants to feel loved to want to have sex. This is creations little joke.
The point is the guy you "just want to talk to" will "just talk" he will say all the right things, he will massage your ego and if he finds you attractive he will go out of his way for you. Then he will want to jump your bones

Okay.. So hubby has agreed to counseling. You need to go to IC too and both of you to Marriage counseling. Something is amiss. You are almost certainly in a downward spiral but this can be identified, if not stopped by a good MC.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

You are thinking like a cheater does.

If you think his actions were a dealbreaker for you and have irrevocably broken the M, then just file for D and leave.

Doing what you are thinking is NOT a way to improve your M, just a way to destroy it, and the worst and most disgusting way at that.

Just end the M if you cannot move past this.

If you don't want a D, then focus on fixing the M instead.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Look at the people here who have had revenge affairs (RA) like Joe Kidd, Mattmatt, and they will tell you how a RA isn't worth it. It doesn't take the pain away. Do the honorable thing and end the marriage first. You can hold your head up and know that you did the right thing. Its tempting to be a bad girl, but is it worth your self respect?


In fact your Lordship, I have to point out that my own revenge affair hurt me far more than my wife's affair did. So much so that I ended up on antidepressants for a time.

Finding out you have acted like a POS is not conducive to helping improve your selfworth. 

Leslie2, my advice? Seek couples and IC counselling and if it can't be worked out, move on when you feel able.


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## leslie2 (Apr 21, 2014)

well then maybe it is a case of us still being young, but my husband has no boundaries obviously and I need to teach him that or he has to figure it out by himself . Either way thanks guys for all your help and yes I completely understand the way online conversations start and what they lead to.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

It's good to get in touch with that side of yourself instead of denying it. But we have a motto in our home (me and my kids...)

It's...

Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.

The flip side my son came up with is...

Just because you don't have to, doesn't mean you shouldn't. 

Of course you have the volition and means to do what you say you are fantasizing about doing, and you could have done this all along, regardless of your husband's behavior. Maybe it crossed your mind once or twice or was always there and being denied and for good reason. It's not what you want.

Your H's behavior has consequences for him. Your behavior will have consequences for you. Right now it looks like he is getting away with being selfish, and that you are following needless 'rules' of behaviour and getting nothing in return. But that's just how things appear right now. 

It's okay to fantasize. But the bottom line is that when you 'wake up in the morning' i.e. after all this is over, do you want to have to forgive yourself, and live with knowing that your self-restraint isn't as strong as you would like it to be?

My advice is to find something else that's not so harmful, where you have been 'good'. Maybe that movie you wanted to go see but did housecleaning instead, maybe a dress you wanted but decided to buy your husband steak instead, maybe the hair style you wanted but decided on a wax instead. In sum, be selfish and break some rules, but break ones that will make you feel better in a relatively harmless way.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Thing is Leslie that whenever a spouse has secret contact with a person of the opposite sex, it's wrong. Everyone knows that. If it's secret and you don't want to tell your spouse, it means the person isn't 'just a friend'. Sure you may just be chatting but why don't spouses tell their spouses about their 'new friend' as they would tell them about any friend. 

It crosses a line which leads to EAs or PAs if it goes on. You don't really want to do it - you are feeling dishonoured and rightly so. In your case it doesn't seem as if you want a revenge affair at all which is why I have a question for you. . .

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with your husband? Do you want to have his babies and create a family with him? Be very very sure that you do. You said he didn't stop when you found out, it took 2 times? If he didn't immediately stop the first time, I would be very concerned. How old is he?

You sound like a very capable, intelligent and smart lady. You're young. How young if you don't mind my asking? The taint of betrayal hangs over a marriage forever. That initial wonderful space of having found your soulmate is gone. 

You are already thinking of seeking out other men to chat to. It suggests you want to explore other men as opposed to having a revenge affair. I think maybe you feel you can do better. I'm going to go out on a limb here and from your story I feel you can - simply because it took two times for him to 'get it'. So he couldn't resist others even when you caught him. It makes him a serial cheater. They're pretty hard to fix. BTW, it doesn't matter a damn IMO whether he slept with them or not. As soon as he started seeking out other women behind your back the line was crossed. 

I think you can find a guy you don't have to teach about boundaries. 

Don't sell yourself short.


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## Bulldog (Dec 30, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## leslie2 (Apr 21, 2014)

I think what is happening to me right now is the fact that I have too much time alone, since he is gone for few months. I find myself snooping at times expecting to find more dirt but there is any no more. I think that he broke me and all I need is for him to ensure me but it is impossible now because he is away. He tries really hard to do it on distance. I was always pretty aware of things and my own desires and I see it now as just some kind of self-secure mechanism when I try to protect myself from getting hurt again. I already know what I will tell him when he will back and give us 1 year to see how things will be... Situation like that happened to me for the first time, so obviously I didn't know how it will affect me, but like many of you said here... forgiving and trying to forget takes much more time and everything that I initially thought...


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

I don't think that it's too much time on your hands Leslie. The fact that he is gone does make it harder but my feeling is having gone through it is that you would be having these doubts anyway, would still be checking on him and would be trying to create a protective shell around yourself. All very normal. Your world as you knew it is gone and as you said it is the first time it happened to you as it was for me. Your emotions will be all over the place for quite a while. How long ago was D-day? When is he coming back? 

Very wise to see how things go for a year. Take all the time you need and if he loves you he will stay the distance. Keep checking on him. I'm not saying do that because you might find something. Just that for a long time afterwards BS needs verifiable truth - part of the self-protection we have had to put in place post betrayal. A normal human reaction.


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## leslie2 (Apr 21, 2014)

Well it's been 2 months and so far everything is great. He will be gone for another 3. And yes, there is no way of him doing anything like that again because I know that I lost it, I reached my breaking point and I am no more scared or shocked to blur my judgment. My husband has addictive personality he loves games and online chatting. He has been doing it before we even met and it just escalated at one point. He knows that and I know that. He needs help and he agreed to get it. He is just weak and gets caught up in things and he thought it was ok. While reading one chat with some girl he told her that he is being respectful and mature about it that that is why he hides it and does this online sex thing, because it relaxes him. Like he truly believed at some point that it is all OKAY and that it's his little secretive thing and he is not harming anyone. The situation changed when those online contacts start affecting his real life. He never expected that I will find out about everything and rub it in his face and that's when he broke down completely and I guess realized what the heck he has done to himself and us. He was very depressed because of that and I was there to support him but I made it clear that there is no space for any more errors.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

leslie2 said:


> I just want to check out what's there... maybe there is somebody better... so I am thinking about talking to other men I guess to find out if I am staying with my husband because of true love or just fear that I won't fall in love so deeply anymore. Ugh, I know it's wrong and it's against everything I believed in but I guess that is what a cheater does to you. You don't want to be a good girl anymore. It's not worth it. at least for that one.


You won't be checking out "what's there".. you will be checking out a SUBSET of what's there that is willing to participate in what you and your husband participate in.. which is promiscuous behavior.

You go down that road, you are dumpster diving for a partner.

I have said it before, and I will say it again...
_
Anyone who is worth having an affair with, would not have anything to do with an affair.
_

Either work on your marriage, or divorce and find a quality partner. You will NOT find mister right by doing the wrong thing.

You will just end up used and discarded.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

leslie2 said:


> Like he truly believed at some point that it is all OKAY and that it's his little secretive thing and he is not harming anyone. The situation changed when those online contacts start affecting his real life. He never expected that I will find out about everything and rub it in his face and that's when he broke down completely and I guess realized what the heck he has done to himself and us..


When someone engages in promiscuous behavior in secret, it distorts their perception of themselves, AND their perception of their out of the loop spouse.

_Secret behavior distorts that person's perception of their marriage.
_

The out of the loop spouse gradually become less a wife, and more a stooge to his secret whims. That becomes the new perception.

And his subsequent activity will be based on that new perception. This is how spouses get caught so often... after many years living so intimately, its easy to notice when your spouse's perception of you or the marriage changes.

The out of the loop spouse won't know what their lying spouse is doing specifically, but they will sense something's distorting his perception...

What you dont' know DOES harm you, and it harms your marriage.

Your husband has distorted his perception of his marriage in secret. And he subsequently acts on that distorted perception of his marriage. He does very much harm you when he does that.

When you lie to people you do more than disrespect them, you distort your attitudes towards them, and how you behave in their absence, and even in their presence.

It's toxic.


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## leslie2 (Apr 21, 2014)

I know that. I just hope people can change. I have one year to figure that out.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

leslie2 said:


> I know that. I just hope people can change. I have one year to figure that out.


You may know it, but you were considering doing the same thing yourself.

As was said by many here, it does not improve the situation.

I dont' get into the morality of the situation. That usually falls on deaf ears.

But I can say to you, in all honesty, that infidelity, keeping secrets, etc.. is STUPID.

You wouldn't set fire to your home, so why invite toxicity into it? It's stupid.

What your husband did may be wrong, but more important.. it's STUPID.

Work on you first, then if your partner does not reciprocate to your satisfaction, you can divorce with your head held high.

That is the smart way to go.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

leslie2 said:


> well then maybe it is a case of us still being young, but my husband has no boundaries obviously and I need to teach him that or he has to figure it out by himself . Either way thanks guys for all your help and yes I completely understand the way online conversations start and what they lead to.


Have him read _Not Just Friends_ by the late Shirley Glass. It's a landmark book on the subject. It's not emotional or touchy-feely..it's quite impartial and scientific. Lots of statistics to lend weight to the arguments made in the text.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

People only change when they feel true remorse and conviction for what they have done. If that doesn't happen, it's likely that your husband will cheat again when you're not expecting it. 

That said, it's your call if you feel he is falling to pieces for what he has done. If you don't feel that he is truly sorry for his affairs, then it's your call if you want to stay and go around the mountain again.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

leslie2 said:


> Gosh why men are so weak? I feel disgusted by it because I had so many chances and he would never ever find out and still I couldn't do that to him. Anyways... we will see... it's still fresh...





ing said:


> First of all. Men are pretty much all "horn dogs" when we are young and for some of us it never goes away. Sex plays a big part in making a man feel loved. .


Sorry but not all men are weak. Not all men are horn dogs..

My first wife proposed TO ME.. My Ex G.F. at the time had her own apartment and lived 200 feet away from me. She asked me over to give her a hand with something. I helped her out and she wanted sex.. I told her no I am sorry but I can't, I'm in a relationship and engaged. 

I cannot tell you how many times during new years eve I was offered to meet women back at their hotels. It happen several times during the night on that day.

I have had several women that wanted to talk about their abusive husbands after work with me. 

I have had several woman come back to my office and pretty much ask me out. 

My type of work offered me training across the United States. Just telling some women where I work and my rank makes them think of T.V. Show Detectives. I mean honestly there is no Tennessee P.D Blue TV Show.. Every cop and Detective show is pretty much NYPD something.

My wife cheated or attempted to cheat at least 4 times that I am aware of.. I have come to discover one time my decease brother knew about that he mentioned to my mom. My mom recently told me about it.. So we can make it 5 ( again that I know of )...

I never, ever cheated on any woman I was with.. I have too much respect, pride and honor.. I witnessed what this does to someone first hand. That being my own mother.. My dad walked out when I was 12 and never came back. 

I would never want to cause that sort of pain to anyone.. No one deserves this sh1t.. 

So if the excuse is I was young, drunk, stupid. I call Bullsh1t.. Everyone knows growing up what right and wrong is.. It is YOU that needs to make the CHOICE to cross that line between right and wrong.. NO ONE ELSE.. YOU MAKE THE CHOICE...

The difference is can you be the better person and forgive someone for making those choices.. That is a personal choice everyone has to make.. 

I love my boys and I tell you, any man here would love to be me solely for the outcome of my divorce.. If divorce was an Olympic sport, I would have gotten a gold medal. My lawyer told me it would cost ME paying for my and her lawyer anywhere between 50k and 60k.. I would have at least have to put down a 15k retainer for her lawyer at a minimum. My Ex walked away with 55k, THAT IS IT. I have the kids, the house, the pension. I am waiting to retire now and pick up a new job hopefully starting at 120k. I will be bringing home between pension and new job 10k a month.. That does not include other monies that can equal from 20k and upwards at the end of the year. 

With all of that being said.. Knowing what I know today, 20 plus years ago when I was introduced to my Ex wife I would have said thanks but no and walked away..

I tell you I am not the same man I was on Sept 25, 2012 just before midnight.. I don't wish this on anyone.. 

But regardless of what might have changed in me. I will never lose my pride and dignity.. It has nothing to do with being a man.. It has to do with being a decent human being.. Nothing more and nothing less.. This man, woman sh1t is just that all sh1t.. Lets not make excuses for how someone acts or acted in the past..

Also wanted to add I went to counseling with my Ex wife.. She even made the appointment to go and asked me if I wanted to go. I said yes.. Even the Therapist was surprised.. My answer to the both of them was simple. I never wanted ANYONE to tell me I never gave this a try.. That I never put my best foot forward to fix my marriage.. 

I went every fvcking time and I tried everything I could to be the best me.. In the end it didn't mean sh1t to her.. But she can never tell anyone a bad thing about me..


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## leslie2 (Apr 21, 2014)

it's good to know that there are men that are attractive but also honorable and fair in life. I also decided to give it a try and see because I won't give up without a fight. So lets see how this will work out...


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Some people are just never meant to be committed. But lots of people want their cake and eat it too no matter what the cost.


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## leslie2 (Apr 21, 2014)

well I am glad that we are here talking and stuff, putting out those wise words out. Me trying to be a good woman while my husband registered his new chat account today and was looking for webcam sex. Like w.t.f He will cry, not eat, beg be the best he can be and then 2 months later we start from the same... Like W.T.F


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

leslie2 said:


> well I am glad that we are here talking and stuff, putting out those wise words out. Me trying to be a good woman while my husband registered his new chat account today and was looking for webcam sex. Like w.t.f He will cry, not eat, beg be the best he can be and then 2 months later we start from the same... Like W.T.F


Sorry to hear that..


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

leslie2 said:


> well I am glad that we are here talking and stuff, putting out those wise words out. Me trying to be a good woman while my husband registered his new chat account today and was looking for webcam sex. Like w.t.f *He will cry, not eat, beg be the best he can be and then 2 months later we start from the same*... Like W.T.F


Those are called "Crocodile Tears". He's crying because he got caught and is feeling sorry for himself. Also because he wants to keep you there as his constant. 

You've seen proof of this every time he goes back to his vomit. He's not scared he'll lose you, and he's getting away with his behavior, so there's no reason he wants to change or is going to any time soon.

What are you going to do now that you've found him out again?


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