# I'm new...I cheated, he took me back, why am I struggling to be happy?



## yvonne.bee (Mar 6, 2013)

Hi I am new to this and have been trying to seek help.

I recently reconciled with my wonderful husband a month ago. I had a short term affair with a man. He knows everything about it because of a huge break down in our marriage. 

Cheating has never been ok and what I did was wrong in every way. But he has taken full responsiblitly in why as well. He was a poor husband; very thoughtless, very selfish, not an active husband or father. He agreed and though this is not an excuse for my horrible actions, it's what led me into the arms of another man.

He has done so much changing in the past month it is insane. And it all seems sincere.

But I am still in my old ways of being a quite person, still always have issues with us for some reason. It is like nothing is good enough for me but he is doing it all. I find myself just nit picking and always just sour. 

( I have always dealt with anxiety and stress and depression; I also have two small kids and work a full time job )

What is wrong with me? Being with my husband is what I want and I adore him but I am still sad. I don't miss the man I cheated with. I don't want a different life. I want to be with my husband. But something keeps me from just being fully happy...

I was a horrible person and have seen what I did will never be forgotten but he has forgiven me. 

Please help me, please don't judge me just help me in succeeding with this wonderful man and all advice will be taken.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> He was a poor husband; very thoughtless, very selfish, not an active husband or father


Hi pot, this is kettle.. How you doing?

This woman reminds me of HopelesslyJaded.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

It will be your loss if you fail again. At least you can see that your nitpicking and being sour. If you can see it...you can stop it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

Have him come here. We'll help him straighten things out.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Are you in IC? Are ya'll in MC? If he has changed and is doing everything that you need him to do to be a better person then you owe it to him (after what you did) to be a better wife to him and it doesnt sound like you are. Maybe he was the way he was because of the way you were to him (nit picking, not satisfied, etc), is that a possibility?


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

Congratulations! You convinced some poor sap that your sexcapades while married was his fault!!

We offen hear the other side in these forums so I'm curious how someone who has such a weak H and still has feelings for other guys isn't happy? Not enough money? House too small? Car not the greatest?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

yvonee.bee,

You're probably going to get some good advice along the way, but let me tell you, you're about to get blasted. We'll see how long you can hang in there.

First, to even mention your husband's faults, shows that you "are", whether you admit it or not, rationalizing your affair. The cheating spouse is always 100% responsible for cheating. Always.

I don't remember the name of the written guide for cheating spouses who want to R, but perhaps someone who does will provide you a link or copy of it. 

Good luck.


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## yvonne.bee (Mar 6, 2013)

Again, I made poor decisions but we are working on this together. It is hard to be in a relationship with someone, have kids together, and to be the only one supporting the family when there is two in the relationship isn't easy and isn't why I wanted to have a family...

I am just looking to understand and talk with people who know this situation and may be able to help me be a better wife.


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## yvonne.bee (Mar 6, 2013)

Man, I don't think I could hadle the blasting your right... But I hope some people out there will see that my "excuses" are not ok but what happened happened and we are looking to do what is right for us and our family, we both had a lot of work to put into this relationship. I suppose my guilt is out waying my want to be happy, so thanks for your advice but I think I have joined the wrong group to find help in.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

People are not always going to tell you what you want to hear. I think you would get better responses if you took away pushing the blame onto to your husband. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BeenthereDunThat (Nov 27, 2012)

yvonne.bee said:


> Man, I don't think I could hadle the blasting your right... But I hope some people out there will see that my "excuses" are not ok but what happened happened and we are looking to do what is right for us and our family, we both had a lot of work to put into this relationship. I suppose my guilt is out waying my want to be happy, so thanks for your advice but I think I have joined the wrong group to find help in.


yvonne, now that you mentioned your "guilt" I would suggest this may be at the route of your problem. No doubt you were in a serious fog which has now lifted. Good luck


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## yvonne.bee (Mar 6, 2013)

We have tried counceling but he isn't fond of it and I am seeking individual counseling at the moment so I will continue with that and hope that I find what to do.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Marriage Counselor now. Maybe even IC for you. Definitely a visit to the doctor.

You seem to be remorseful and repentant for cheating on your husband and it appears he is accepting responsibility for his part in the breakdown of your marriage before the affair, maybe even more than his fair share.

You really need to get treatment for the anxiety, stress and depression. My wife suffered from the same symptoms and she was never really happy with our life, despite me trying everything I could think of to help her, until she got professional treatment for this. I always got the "I am just not happy, I don't know why" or "It is not you, it is me" excuses. Medication and counselling helped her (and us).

Do not depend on your husband to make you happy. It simply does not work that way. You admit that he is doing everything possible to be a better husband but that is not helping you. You may need medication to deal with the feelings that have nothing to do with the state of your marriage. You seem to be blaming everything on thoughts that you should be happy, but just don't feel that way.

You are searching for a logical reason for your unhappiness. Trying to find something that can be pointed to and changed to make you feel differently. Sorry to say it may not be that simple. You need professional treatment for your symptoms.

Counselling and a visit to the doctor could help.


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

Are you in love with your husband?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Your not happy. Could be Guilt

It also could be that your husband is now doing the Heavy Lifting to make the marriage work and you are into self punishment and possibly self loating over what you did and are trying to sabotage any hope of R because of your Guilt.

You need to come clean with your IC about this.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Here's my guess... He let you off way too easy. When did he commit to reconciling with you? Did he leave or toss you out, or was it him tearfully begging, angry, accepting "his part of the blame", etc? 

Sounds like you walked all over him possibly, he took you back, and there were no consequences for your actions. He's too easy, and you're not attracted to that. On top of the strife before with him not being the best husband. Now he's changing, and instead of you possibly seeing it as a good thing that he wants to make these changes, you FEEL somewhere deep down, even if you don't realize it, as though he's kissing your azz and rewarding you for making him a schmuck. 

Just a thought, but the "he has taken full responsibility..." makes me think maybe the reconcilliation was too easy for you. You never "lost him" as a result of cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Ok, I'm the one that cheated in my marriage. And here's my thoughts. 

You need external serious help. By that, I mean someone you can sit down with and talk to, face to face. Not anonymous strangers over the Internet. Your feelings of unhappiness and being dissatisfied are likely deeper than your feelings towards your husband. And until you root out the actual issues, it doesn't matter what else happens in your life 

Just my $0.02 worth of amateur counselling...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I think it is great that you are here Yvonne. Shows that you are truly trying to make your marriage work. 

In regards to cheating, you need to own up to it. If your marriage isn't working, get counseling or leave. Cheating should never happen .... but it did.

Your husband is working hard at the marriage. But be prepared for his anger. He may be holding it in, but things will happen (triggers) that will cause him to react. When this happens, take responsibility. Don't use what you did above (he was selfish and not a good husband). Admitting to your husband that the cheating is all on you, will go a long way in your marriage healing.

I wish you the best.


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## yvonne.bee (Mar 6, 2013)

Thank You so much TDSC, I really think even in the past hour of being on this forum just typing this out that I have realized how much I have to work on myself before things are going to be fully ok.

Thank You really


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## yvonne.bee (Mar 6, 2013)

Thanks everyone I really need some serious help and want it in all forms, good bad and ugly. Just very confused as to why a man can be everything I want and I can't just give him what he deserves and thats ONLY a smile on my face and a desire to be close...


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

yvonne.bee said:


> Hi I am new to this and have been trying to seek help.
> 
> I recently reconciled with my wonderful husband a month ago. I had a short term affair with a man. He knows everything about it because of a huge break down in our marriage.
> 
> ...


It is with some hesitation that I attempt to help you. I was in your husband's shoes. I am biased to judge you harshly, and empathize with your husband.

You need to start sacrificing what you want and give your husband what he needs. Your post reeks with self-pity and entitlement.

Love is demonstrated through your actions, not necessarily your thoughtless remarks.

Hang tough. The posts already given are spot on, IMO.

*The deck you have stacked is against you.* These things that you want are probably all going to evaporate soon.

Help your husband understand the "why." He will be asking it and thinking about it for the rest of his life.

In the end, you probably are doing some other woman a favor by preparing him to be a great husband for them. School of hard knocks is an amazing teacher for us in the betrayed camp.

If you do pull it out of the fire, my hat is off to you.

If you don't, take some time and dig deep into your soul before starting a second marriage.

Heaven help you both through this.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

yvonne.bee said:


> He has done so much changing in the past month it is insane. And it all seems sincere.
> 
> But I am still in my old ways of being a quite person, still always have issues with us for some reason. It is like nothing is good enough for me but he is doing it all. I find myself just nit picking and always just sour..


The issue is you are fixing the wrong person. He didn’t cheat, he didn’t drive you into another man’s arms, he can’t decide whom you love, like or lust for... That is all you making choices about your life and deal with your own thoughts and feelings. Stop focusing on your spouse and focus on your own thoughts and feelings. Are they ‘in line’ with what you want?

Separate marriage problems from adultery. They aren’t the same. Lots of faithful marriages have those same marriage problems. Adultery is about you and the OM. Your husband was not involved in that relationship.

It is good that you are at least looking for help. Start by looking within. Ask yourself “why”? If any answer comes back laying the blame on your spouse, you are just making excuses or justifying. You look for things like insecurity, poor self-esteem, etc. AND YOU WORK ON FIXING THOSE THINGS IN YOURSELF. 

Take the nit-picking. Why? Is it because you hold resentment or a grudge? Maybe you want to sabotage yourself... If what you want is a happy marriage, ripping down a spouse is going to have the opposite effect. Someday in the near future, he’s going to reflect; “I am doing all these things and she’s still a bitter person toward me. She isn’t faithful. She doesn’t encourage me, but instead loves to point out my every flaw. Why do want this for the rest of my life? Is she worth it?” *Are you worth it?*

You’d better do whatever you can so you have value beyond a unfaithful nagging wife....


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

P.S. Your husband will take a fair amount of time (days, weeks, months) to digest it. He will eventually grow to resent you for what happened. I predict it will be at a point when you feel it is all better again.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

yvonne.bee said:


> Thanks everyone I really need some serious help and want it in all forms, good bad and ugly. Just very confused as to why a man can be everything I want and I can't just give him what he deserves and thats ONLY a smile on my face and a desire to be close...


Because your happiness or unhappiness doesn't come from him. It comes from you. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

yvonne.bee said:


> Thanks everyone I really need some serious help and want it in all forms, good bad and ugly. Just very confused as to why a man can be everything I want and I can't just give him what he deserves and thats ONLY a smile on my face and a desire to be close...


What is he like in daily life, and what was he like after he found out you were having an affair?

Is he a "nice guy"? By that I mean not just a "good guy", but rather a doormat type guy? 

How does he act when you don't want to have sex? Does he go about his business and then pull away from you a bit sexually, or does he plead, beg, whine for sex? Do you offer him "pity sex" or "duty sex", and does he accept? Have you ever rolled your eyes at him when he initiates or said things like "oh, go ahead", and he still goes through with it? Ever snapped at him as a result of his initiation attempts, and he keeps trying anyway or goes off and pouts?

Do you sense he tries to "bribe you" into sex by treating your extra well when he wants it? 

Does he avoid confrontation with you, even when you've clearly been "snarky" (aka a "b!tch), or you are clearly in the wrong? Just to "keep the peace"?

Is he insecure?

Is he very jealous?

Does he keep conflict about the relationship or unhappiness with you burried in himself until he becomes passive aggressive or finally explodes?

If he's been / done a lot of those things, it points to him being a "nice guy" (in the derogatory sense, not the "good guy / nice guy" positive sense). And as a result, you feel like you don't have to work to keep him. Whatever you do, you know he's still going to be around. And it's hard to be attracted to someone like that. No challenge. No self respect on his part.

Send him here. We'll set his azz straight. And when we do, prepare for him to stop tolerating whatever nonsense you throw at him (like affairs, like nitpicking and being sour in the face of his attempts to be a better husband), and expect that you're going to have to really work to keep him, or you may lose him.

If my W had an affair and done / felt as you say you do, had the affair alone not have done it, all of this nitpicking and sour attitude to "reward" my attempts at becoming a better husband would have my azz (or hers) out the door for good. And my bet is once that happened, she'd realize just what she lost, and would herself start working her azz off to keep me. And become way more attracted to me in the process. If I'd have her back.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

yvonne.bee said:


> But he has taken full responsiblitly in why as well.


Of course he has.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

yvonne.bee said:


> Man, I don't think I could hadle the blasting your right... But I hope some people out there will see that my "excuses" are not ok but what happened happened and we are looking to do what is right for us and our family, we both had a lot of work to put into this relationship. I suppose my guilt is out waying my want to be happy, so thanks for your advice but I think I have joined the wrong group to find help in.


First off stop even the thought that he had any responsibility for your affair. Just flat own it. I get that he needs to be a better husband. Maybe he enabled you by not engaging and killing the affair early on. Who knows.

Secondly it took me about 12 years to forgive myself for my EA. But I had the advantage of never blaming my wife as it was all on me.

But it does sound like your hubby is taking too much responsibility for your affair and that you are reporting on his changed behavior and you are not happy yet. So you are still blame shifting. What are you doing to start to makeup for your betrayal?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

To love your husband, you have to love your husband.

A non sensical statement? Not really. 

You have to perform loving acts toward your husband and your marriage. That is what it means to love someone.

You have to recognize that marriages ar 50/50 propositions. You have 50% to blame for the state of your marriage before you ever chose to cheat.

You have to love your man, and your man has to love you. By this I mean peform loving acts and meet each other's emotional needs. You have 100% control of your peformance as a wife. Your control over you man consists of communicating your unmet needs AFTER you know you are doing a good job of meeting his unmet needs.


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

"Please help me, please don't JUDGE me just help me in succeeding with this wonderful man and all advice will be taken." - LOL

Maybe this is your problem...fear of judgement...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

yvonne.bee said:


> Again, I made poor decisions but we are working on this together. It is hard to be in a relationship with someone, have kids together, and to be the only one supporting the family when there is two in the relationship isn't easy and isn't why I wanted to have a family...
> 
> I am just looking to understand and talk with people who know this situation and may be able to help me be a better wife.


Are you saying that your husband does not work and thus does not financially contribute to the household?

Was he not doing his part in household work and taking care of the children?

I'm trying to understand what you are saying.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Sorry, sometimes I write novels...

I’m going to continue to expand because I’ve seen what happens; You are very much like my WW and not so ‘unique’. I will put money on the idea that you’ve been critical of your husband for a long time. “Why can’t he just do this or that!?” Because you’ve been doing it so long, you’ve trained yourself. It’s the glass half empty analogy (or love bank to some). You focus entirely on the emptiness rather than how full it is.

If he were here, I’d recommend dumping you. It is a very quick and easy way to rip your expectations and entitlements that you believe he “owes you” just because he said “I do”. Only then does it seem to wake the unremorseful ones up at how much they are truly losing. Your perception and focus doesn’t have to change; he can use it against you... he just needs to empty the cup a lot more because that is what gets your attention. You will notice how empty that cup can really get when it’s nearly empty and there is nothing left to drink. Isn’t that part of the “why” you sold yourself; The OM “filled a void” (was also filling your cup so it wasn’t so empty)...

My WW? False R. Let’s be honest here. After discovering my wife’s adultery, I was a mental and emotional wreck.... you haven’t been through it. It was so much worse than discovering my daughter was deaf or even finding out my son was being molested at daycare. Even worse than losing a family member. It is someone you love intentionally traumatizing you. Are you going to tell him “I didn’t think you’d care?”... bull, you knew it would hurt him. 

Is it even slightly reasonable that someone going through a major personal trauma is going to ignore his own wants and just try to fill yours? Nope, but a lot do.... it has more to do with panic and shock to “do something from letting this happen again” than it has to do with “buy in” that what you want is even reasonable. They believe you. They sold themselves a bill of sale that their value to them is all those faults you have been nagging on. They are undesirable because of these. They must fix them or they will have no self-worth. Guess what? The shock does wear off and he’ll start to think for himself.... and he’ll wake up that you are the one who cheated and hurt him so bad, and he’s the only one really working in the marriage while you sit back. 

Resentment and self-loathing for ever letting you define his self-worth as awful start eroding him internally. He’ll lose all respect for you. How would she know what a ‘good marriage’ should be when in her mind, marriage allows for adultery, lies, and demeaning me? That is not how he sees what marriage should look and feel like. When he recognizes that you are the same woman who cheats on him because you haven’t changed and he’s become nothing more than a servant to your selfish needs and wants...enter the anger phase. And now you’ve trained him; Your worth is also measured by how close to ‘full’ you’ve filled his cup.... and he’ll see how empty it is and focus there. It won’t be nice. 

You are on the road to pretty much follow the instructions on how to create a mean, bitter, abusive spouse.... or he’ll just break; Also unpretty unless you are ‘into’ depressed zombie sorts who consider suicide to ‘escape his life you created for him’.

Look to yourself and reflect what being a good spouse means. Don’t hold your husband to a standard you yourself aren’t meeting. Does “love” look like what you give to him? Why not? Go back and watch your wedding video... all those words? They have meaning and you need to judge yourself against them. Do you even cherish him? Respect? Start focusing on what little is left on that cup and work on refilling his.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yvonne,

Get the book "Surviving and Affair" by Dr. Harley. Both you and your husband should read it.

AFter that get the book "His Needs, Her Needs", again by Dr. Harley. 

These two books will help you quite a bit with what is bothering you and in healing your marriage.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

My wife and I did His Needs Her Needs sometime after my EA.

Also of course you need to be in full NC with your AP.

You have to go through complete withdrawal. Any breaking of NC will start the clock over agin, but it can take months to do.

How long have you been complete NC. Tell us you do not work with him please.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Better read Racer's post very carefully so you can't tell later I didn't know it wasn't coming.


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## yvonne.bee (Mar 6, 2013)

He works, works 40 hours a week. I never blamed him or held anything against him for money. We both work and make the same amount, me a little more because of my stability in my work.

He doesn't clean and has never been a cleaner, his mother was a severe nuturer so he was brought up to be taken care of not to take care of others. He has always gotten what he wants when he wants it. 

I worked very hard to do everything for him and give him everything he wanted, I never say no to sex and never resist nor act as if it is a problem. Sex nor money was ever an issue, except for him buying 3 different cars in 2 years...

He wasn't an active father. He still hasn't given either of our kids a bath ever, they are 4 and 14 months. He never cooked unless it was velvetta mac and cheese or pizza from papa johns. He was and still is a very lazy person and likes to play video games a lot and doens't like to spend much "quality" time. 

Since we reconciled he started to take the kids to school and atleast come to bed with me. He does wake up earlier than he used to but I am still the main parent in the family. Whether I was with him or not I have come to terms that this is what it is for me and I am ok with that but it can be exhausting.
He has gotten physical 2 times with me in front of our kids, and yes I fought back.

I didn't want to talk badly of him but those things and lack on communication on his part are what caused me to not be happy. I take full responsibilty in MY affair. He didn't do anything, he slept with his co worker 3 days after he found out about my affair. I left but he basically locked me out of our house, no clothes no kids things. We ddin't talk for a month and then finally after our first court hearing he called me begging for me to come back home. I was hesistant but I knew it was what was right.

So with all that being said I agree that I have no right to put blame or cause pain on him. I hurt him and he seems to have gotten over it. The main arguement is that I am not acting happy and that I am still sad.

I just didn't understand why I am still sad.

I thrive on affection and he isn't very affectionate, he would rather just be by himself that way but I am trying to cope with who he is and not change him, just I need help with my kids and with my stress level. I want a friend too in my relationship and we don't really have that but I hope that we can establish that.

I did horribly wrong and regret every minute of it. I agree with a lot of the advice that I have a lot of internal work to do before I will be ok in this relationship.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

yvonne.bee said:


> He didn't do anything, he slept with his co worker 3 days after he found out about my affair. I left but he basically locked me out of our house, no clothes no kids things. We ddin't talk for a month and then finally after our first court hearing he called me begging for me to come back home. I was hesistant but I knew it was what was right.


are you saying He had an affair with his co-worker or he slept at his co-workers place? I am a bit fuzzy on this part. Also just as i figured, he begged you to come back. *sigh* any chance on getting him to come here? He needs to "man up" if your marriage is going to work, right now YOU should be doing the heavy lifting, not him. You will eventually lose all respect for him and spiral into another affair.


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

yvonne.bee said:


> He works, works 40 hours a week. I never blamed him or held anything against him for money. We both work and make the same amount, me a little more because of my stability in my work.
> 
> He doesn't clean and has never been a cleaner, his mother was a severe nuturer so he was brought up to be taken care of not to take care of others. He has always gotten what he wants when he wants it.
> 
> ...


I'm thinking that you maybe still resent him for who he used to be and possibly that he hasn't changed enought yet?

Either way you realy need to communicate about this. I would demand that he joins you in MC. It does sound as you have a lot to work out between you. At the same time you realy needs IC and you need to see a doctor. You might also, as some already said, have a depression or something similar.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

yvonne.bee said:


> He works, works 40 hours a week. I never blamed him or held anything against him for money. We both work and make the same amount, me a little more because of my stability in my work.
> 
> He doesn't clean and has never been a cleaner, his mother was a severe nuturer so he was brought up to be taken care of not to take care of others. He has always gotten what he wants when he wants it.
> 
> ...


Wow! Sounds completely different than your first post!

It sounds like a bit of a head scratcher...:scratchhead:

I am thinking that neither one of you really are committed to marriage. Why keep fighting for it?

I really am starting to feel badly for your children.

Maybe someday one or both of you will get to a better place.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

You listed his faults, what are yours besides the cheating?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Yvonne,

You're getting a lot of input and while that's good perhaps if you provide a little more detail the advice you receive might be more applicable.

Who did you have an affair with? Was it a work affair? If so do you still work there? It has been my experience that unless the affair is dealt with correctly it can become a cloud over the marriage and make reconciliation virtually impossible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## finalstraw (Mar 6, 2013)

yvonne.bee said:


> He has gotten physical 2 times with me in front of our kids, and yes I fought back.


By this, do you mean the two domestic violence charges that *YOU* went to jail for?

I find it very interesting that I constantly ask you to talk to me so that we can work through our issues, and yet for some reason, I guess you feel more comfortable posting our business online instead.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

yvonne.bee said:


> He works, works 40 hours a week. I never blamed him or held anything against him for money. We both work and make the same amount, me a little more because of my stability in my work.
> 
> He doesn't clean and has never been a cleaner, his mother was a severe nuturer so he was brought up to be taken care of not to take care of others. He has always gotten what he wants when he wants it.
> 
> ...


It sounds to me almost like two separate issues. One, you have a bad marriage to a guy who doesn't get it, and Two, you committed adultery and had an affair.

Having an affair just made everything worse because now you want your husband to be a better partner and he also has to cope with you cheating. 

You, at least to me, don't sound like the typical FOG poster. You sound like someone who is unhappy because your spouse still isn't what you want them to be. You had an affair thinking that would make you feel better and it didn't. You're not happy because your marriage stinks right now.

Usually I would be much harder on a cheater but I swear your situation sounds like my sister's. Her husband sounds exactly like how you describe your husband, and you're complaints about your husband sound almost exactly like her complaints.

She cheated on him thinking (just like you) that somehow this would improve things and make her feel better. IT DIDN'T ! After 20 years married they just got divorced about a year ago.

So in no way am I condoning what you did, because cheating is a horribly hurtful act, but maybe in your case you need to seriously evaluate if this is the person you want to be with NOW, instead of waiting 20 years like my sister did.


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## yvonne.bee (Mar 6, 2013)

i am very needy, i need affection and attention. I am very picky and ocd about a clean house and cleanlyness. When I get sad I get really sad, I am highly emotional. I get stressed very easily.

But to the comment for the person who feel bad for my kids, that is an awful thing to say. I have never been a bad parent and I never brought my affair apart of them. I take great care of my kids and they would have no idea something was wrong if you even looked at them. THEY are my world, THEY are the reason I am alive and why I get up in the morning so that is unfair to say that because of my relationship problems u can say that. But it's fine if you feel that way.

We have a lot to work on and I nagree counseling would be our best bet he just isn't a very open minded person to others opinions in our relationship so its taking some work but I am not forcing that on him.


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## yvonne.bee (Mar 6, 2013)

I am a bad person for what I have done and I just want to be with him and make him happy I am not looking to cause problems for him anymore just looking to see if someone would help with the emotional part of it


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## finalstraw (Mar 6, 2013)

Also, I find it interesting how much of the story has changed here from how it really all happened. I'm extremely disappointed Yvonne. If you wanted to work this out, it seems that you would sit down with your husband who keeps asking you to talk to him about it.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

finalstraw said:


> By this, do you mean the two domestic violence charges that *YOU* went to jail for?
> 
> I find it very interesting that I constantly ask you to talk to me so that we can work through our issues, and yet for some reason, I guess you feel more comfortable posting our business online instead.


I take it, this would be 

Mr. Yvonne.Bee who found this on Yvonne's computer?

If so...Please stay because, and I'm sure a lot will agree, you both could use some outside perspective and help.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Final and Yvonne,

Before either of you say another word, please answer the most important questions.

Do you want to remain married?
Do you want to be happy in this marriage?
Do you want the other person to be happy in this marriage?

I know those questions SHOULD seem stupid to even ask, but REALLY think about each question and what it means before answering.


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## finalstraw (Mar 6, 2013)

Dad&Hubby said:


> I take it, this would be
> 
> Mr. Yvonne.Bee who found this on Yvonne's computer?
> 
> If so...Please stay because, and I'm sure a lot will agree, you both could use some outside perspective and help.



Yep.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

finalstraw said:


> Yep.


Well believe it or not, the community here can help a GREAT deal...BUT the first thing I need to recommend is marriage counseling. But come back here with what the counselor says because there are good and bad counselors and when you're in the middle of it, it's hard to tell.

Also DO NOT allow yourself to have emotional conversations, what I mean by that is where topics just run off what you feel.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

yvonne.bee said:


> i am very needy, i need affection and attention. I am very picky and ocd about a clean house and cleanlyness. When I get sad I get really sad, I am highly emotional. I get stressed very easily.



Interesting comment, with all this info maybe your H isn't as bad as you said he was, maybe it was your issues that created your own anxiety. To a normal person the house may be clean but to you the house could be filthy. This is NOT your H fault!!


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

dblkman said:


> Interesting comment, with all this info maybe your H isn't as bad as you said he was, maybe it was your issues that created your own anxiety. To a normal person the house may be clean but to you the house could be filthy. This is NOT your H fault!!


Same aplies to affection. She claims BH is not affective. Of course it can "feel" like it when you are too needy as she admit. What's reasonable?


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## Madman1 (Oct 24, 2012)

Final and Yvonne,
Plesse stick around here, I have watched in amazement as the combimed experience of some of the posters here have helped to untie some pretty serious knots, plus its Anonymous and free, I have never seen a better forun or group of people.

It sounds like the two of you can work this out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

finalstraw said:


> Also, I find it interesting how much of the story has changed here from how it really all happened. I'm extremely disappointed Yvonne. If you wanted to work this out, it seems that you would sit down with your husband who keeps asking you to talk to him about it.


Hi *finalstraw*

Can you give us some insight on the marriage counseling? She's saying you didn't want it, but we have you here indicating a desire to talk.


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## finalstraw (Mar 6, 2013)

I have told her several times that I would be happy to participate in marriage counseling. As a matter of fact, we have been to marriage counseling together before, and I loved it. 

What she is referring to now is that she wants me to go see this guy that she has been seeing for counseling that works with her mother (at a liquidation outlet) and who I'm not even sure has a license. Also, he was a former client of mine, who nearly got me fired by telling my boss a load of lies about the way I was treating him. 

All I told her is that I wouldn't go see him, but that I would be happy to go back to the therapist that we had seen previously, who we both agreed was very good.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

finalstraw said:


> By this, do you mean the two domestic violence charges that *YOU* went to jail for?
> 
> I find it very interesting that I constantly ask you to talk to me so that we can work through our issues, and yet for some reason, I guess you feel more comfortable posting our business online instead.


She is reaching out for help. It would be good to support her in this as it could help you.


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## finalstraw (Mar 6, 2013)

yvonne.bee said:


> i am very needy, i need affection and attention. I am very picky and ocd about a clean house and cleanlyness. When I get sad I get really sad, I am highly emotional. I get stressed very easily.
> 
> But to the comment for the person who feel bad for my kids, that is an awful thing to say. I have never been a bad parent and I never brought my affair apart of them. I take great care of my kids and they would have no idea something was wrong if you even looked at them. THEY are my world, THEY are the reason I am alive and why I get up in the morning so that is unfair to say that because of my relationship problems u can say that. But it's fine if you feel that way.
> 
> We have a lot to work on and I nagree counseling would be our best bet he just isn't a very open minded person to others opinions in our relationship so its taking some work but I am not forcing that on him.


It's interesting also that our 4 year old knows her "affair" by his first name. Also, he knows her "affair"'s kids names. And, on the day we were scheduled to be in court, her "affair" promptly walked into the courthouse holding my son's hand. (3 days after separation)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

finalstraw said:


> I have told her several times that I would be happy to participate in marriage counseling. As a matter of fact, we have been to marriage counseling together before, and I loved it.
> 
> What she is referring to now is that she wants me to go see this guy that she has been seeing for counseling that works with her mother (at a liquidation outlet) and who I'm not even sure has a license. Also, he was a former client of mine, who nearly got me fired by telling my boss a load of lies about the way I was treating him.
> 
> All I told her is that I wouldn't go see him, but that I would be happy to go back to the therapist that we had seen previously, who we both agreed was very good.


Yvonne, this counselor is not appropriate. Find one that the both of you agree upon. Your husband is willing to work on things. So go to MC with him, to one that is nutral.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> She is reaching out for help. It would be good to support her in this as it could help you.


Reaching out for help, seems like she is reaching out for sympathy with a bunch of half-truths.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yvonne and Final,

The bit we have heard of both sides of this story sound like two different stories. This is not unusual. There is usually her story, his story and the truth. The truth is somewhere between the two other stories.

You two might be best served to minimize the dicussion of all the wrong you both think the other did and instead concentrait on the rest of your lives. What do each of you need and how are each of you going to make sure that the other gets what they need.

I'm waiting for Yvonne to come back on and post so that we know she is still around and willing to participate.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> Yvonne, this counselor is not appropriate. Find one that the both of you agree upon. Your husband is willing to work on things. So go to MC with him, to one that is nutral.



i agree but tbh it seems like she doesn't want neutrality in this, she wants someone who is going to agree with her. she came to TAM with half of the info, blame-shifting everything on her bh and expecting us to "understand" why she had an A!!


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## finalstraw (Mar 6, 2013)

What happened was, we were separated for a month, and in that time, I decided to forgive her for stepping outside of our marriage. We had some long talks about how communication breakdown really caused most of the problems we had in our marriage, and that if we were going to get back together and try to work this out, we would both be 100% invested in reconciliation, and above all else, we would continue to communicate so that we could nip things in the bud. (which has really alleviated almost all of the stress and arguments in our marriage.)

The thing that I'm the most upset about is that after all that we have been through, and what I have forgiven, she continues to lie and hide things from me. I asked her last night several times what was wrong and she persistently told me that nothing was wrong the entire night. Then this morning she is here ranting and raving about how terrible I am and how terrible her life is. 

I married Yvonne because I love her.

I made a commitment that I would be with her through good times and bad. (good decisions and bad too) My struggle is just how do I continue when I keep hearing the same lies over and over again.

I'm sure most of you will say that the answer is I don't.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

dblkman said:


> Reaching out for help, seems like she is reaching out for sympathy with a bunch of half-truths.


We don't know yet what the truth is. We may never know. We don't know either of them. So we don't know which is telling the turth or if either of them is. Everytime we have had both spouses come there and post, their stories do not match. To just assume her angry husand has the only truth and she is lying makes no sense.

When a person comes here for help, the worst thing we can do is to attack them. Let them both talk without being attacked.


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## finalstraw (Mar 6, 2013)

Also, I'm sure that now that I am here, and can tell the other of the 3 sides of the stories, she probably won't be coming back.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

finalstraw said:


> Also, I'm sure that now that I am here, and can tell the other of the 3 sides of the stories, she probably won't be coming back.


Is she there with you? Please tell her that we are asking her to come back. 

She most likely already feels attacked and is afraid of being attacked even more. She is right to be concerned about that because some her will be brutal with her and not give her a chance to talk. But I hope they will cut some slack so that a meaningful dialogue can be carried out.

Please ask her to come back.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> We don't know yet what the truth is. We may never know. We don't know either of them. So we don't know which is telling the turth or if either of them is. Everytime we have had both spouses come there and post, their stories do not match. To just assume her angry husand has the only truth and she is lying makes no sense.
> 
> When a person comes here for help, the worst thing we can do is to attack them. Let them both talk without being attacked.


i am not attacking her, i am only pointing out the inaccuracies in what she has posted, ie., she mentioned her h being physical yet she failed to mention it was her that went to jail. mentioned her husband being inattentive than later on saying she is needy, mentioned her husband is messy but comes back and saying she is ocd!


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Guys,

If it is true that Finalstraw, had a revenge affair, that does change the dynamics of R, in my opinion. If it's true that Finalstraw was physical, so does that.

I said earlier that the cheating spouse is always 100% responsible for cheating. That also goes for revenge affairs; particularly if the spouse who had the revenge affair wants to R. That can't be rug swept either.

Finalstraw, you lost your moral high ground if you had revenge sex. If you've hit her, that's a separate, but serious issue.

At this point, I think that if you two want to work it out, it's time to stop the blame game and oneupsmanship; agree on a MC and go straight to counseling. ASAP.

Your situation, on the face, is not a high a mountain to climb as others we've witnessed - who successfully reconciled. I wish you both the best.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Final, your wife is not remorseful in the slightest.

She blames you for *her* affair and is now fishing for sympathy - if she has lied on here then she is a *long* way from the emotional and mental state needed before reconciliation can begin.

Good luck. I am afraid that you will need an awful lot of it to get you through.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

oh and she also said her H did not want to attend councelling but finalstraw comes back saying he had no issue as long as it isn't the person they both knew.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You might be critical and mean to him because you do not believe you are worthy of forgiveness, so feel some contempt for him (unconsciously?) for forgiving you.

You need counselling, I believe.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Final and if you're still there Yvonne, 

Before even addressing what to fix, you need to address how you talk with each other and process this.

You can't fix anything if you're adversarial, angry, frustrated or dismissive.

Most people in this situation go into this in a "Me versus You" mentality when in reality, it needs to be an "Us versus The Problem". 

It's not easy to do. The level of animosity, sadness and problems in your marriage is very high. Not saying you can't work through it to a very positive end, but it's going to take a lot of work.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

finalstraw said:


> What happened was, we were separated for a month, and in that time, I decided to forgive her for stepping outside of our marriage. We had some long talks about how communication breakdown really caused most of the problems we had in our marriage, and that if we were going to get back together and try to work this out, we would both be 100% invested in reconciliation, and above all else, we would continue to communicate so that we could nip things in the bud. (which has really alleviated almost all of the stress and arguments in our marriage.)
> 
> The thing that I'm the most upset about is that after all that we have been through, and what I have forgiven, she continues to lie and hide things from me. I asked her last night several times what was wrong and she persistently told me that nothing was wrong the entire night. Then this morning she is here ranting and raving about how terrible I am and how terrible her life is.
> 
> ...


There are many reasons why she told you that nothing is wrong. 

From her first post she is unhappy and does not know why. She is looking for the answer to why she is unhappy. It’s obvious because she came here and asked for help in figuring it out. At this point she might not know how to engage you in such a discussion. Sometimes third parties can help with a person get to the bottom of their pain, sorrow, whatever it is she is feeling.

Most of what she said that is not 100% favorable about you she said after I (and maybe others) asked he for more info. She was clarifying. Her first post is not enough info to be able to help her find what is bothering you. To be honest she did not say anything really terrible about you. She told the kind of things that often occur in marriages, things that people often need to fix.
So she reached out to an online support forum and your response is anger and to attack her. How do you suppose that will help? Have you even really listened to what she says? You need to whether it’s your version of the story or not. IT’s her version and it will tell you a lot about what with wrong.

How did you know she was posting here? Do you have a key logger on the computer she uses? I don’t care if you do. In this case it’s reasonable. But I’m just wondering how you found out.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

:sleeping: Isn't that typical of cheaters? Can't handle it when people don't tell them what they want to hear...No wonder the vulnerability to affairs. They are constantly in search of a fan or fans. No pity party for you my lovely. The woe-is-me boat has sailed off the planet.


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## yvonne.bee (Mar 6, 2013)

I don't deserve my husband and his sympathy, nor do I deserve for him to forgive me for all the horrible decisions I keep making.

I have left a lot out and exaggerated a whole lot. 

My whole thing was to have help emotionally not get everyone involved in my business and i have no one to blame but myself

I am an idiot i am careless and I do not deserve him. he is a good man we had our issues and worked them out and I am a fool to have come on here and made him look any different because he has changed all the hard to deal with and made them right. 

He has never hit me and I went to jail. It wasn't a good situation.

My affair was my fault and never his and I am lucky he forgave me. Ill be lucky if I get to be with him after today.

Any woman would be lucky to be with him and I am a poor wife and person to think anything different.

I came here to figure out why he could change and I could still be so sad.

Not to blast him. He deserves the world and I am lucky I have him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

dblkman said:


> i am not attacking her, i am only pointing out the inaccuracies in what she has posted, ie., she mentioned her h being physical yet she failed to mention it was her that went to jail. mentioned her husband being inattentive than later on saying she is needy, mentioned her husband is messy but comes back and saying she is ocd!


Did she go to jail? Have you seen the police records and the police report? I want to hear what she has to say about it.

A person who gets little to no attention from their spouse will become needy. Go figure. Do you know how many hours a week they spend togther, just the two of them? Please tell me how many hours it is and what the things are that they do during this time. Only after having that info will we know if she is really not getting affection but using the word 'needy' because she is confused or if she is simply 'needy' and needs 100% of him time to even start to fell that she has enough affection. So please do tell me how much affection she is actually getting from her husband.

The OCD about thing is very similar. She might be OCD. But if he is not doing his share of house work and child care, then what does it matter if she is OCD. He's not keeping up with his responsibilities. He is 50% responsible for the housework, chores, errons, and children. It's not about him 'helping' her these things are not 100% her responsibility.

So please tell he what % of these things he did before the affair and how much he's doing now.

Only after we have that info can we evaluate if her "ocd" is real and she is being unreasonable.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

finalstraw said:


> Also, I'm sure that now that I am here, and can tell the other of the 3 sides of the stories, she probably won't be coming back.


You can only tell your one side of the story. She can only tell her one side.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

yvonne.bee said:


> I don't deserve my husband and his sympathy, nor do I deserve for him to forgive me for all the horrible decisions I keep making.
> 
> I have left a lot out and exaggerated a whole lot.
> 
> ...


Why are you insisting that he go to the counselor that you want him to go to? Please find one that is nutral, not a family friend.

You need to get into IC. There is apparently something very deep down in your that needs work.


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## yvonne.bee (Mar 6, 2013)

My side was very vague and what I said just made him look horrible.

He is not a bad person and his kids adore him. I went to jail both times. I could defend myself and explain the situation but it isn't worth it, I went to jail NOT him.

I made HORRIBLE decisions NOT him, he stuck by my side and I stepped out.


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## yvonne.bee (Mar 6, 2013)

I really wasn't trying to push him. I really appreiciate the help this man has done for me and it is free and he seems very smart and is licensed. But I asked him to find someone and then we moved, moved because I wanted to and because it was what I wanted. and we just kind of set it aside.


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## Madman1 (Oct 24, 2012)

yvonne.bee said:


> I don't deserve my husband and his sympathy, nor do I deserve for him to forgive me for all the horrible decisions I keep making.
> 
> I have left a lot out and exaggerated a whole lot.
> 
> ...


yvonne.bee,

I believe you, you came here to deal with that one issue (your emotional issues)and did nto see how the other stuff was related.

It was not the best approach but People here will let take it in stride, if this is how you deal with problems then you need a new set of relationship tools but that is do-able.

Just behonest and forthcomming from here on out.


Elegirl is right your husband has some things to learn about this as well (Who dosnt).

Why not give an accurate timeline of events here and some infor about the length of your marriage, ages ,kids etc so people have somthing to go on. (if you are 20 its different than if you are 35 or 40)

Stick with it!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

yvonne.bee said:


> My side was very vague and what I said just made him look horrible.
> 
> He is not a bad person and his kids adore him. I went to jail both times. I could defend myself and explain the situation but it isn't worth it, I went to jail NOT him.
> 
> I made HORRIBLE decisions NOT him, he stuck by my side and I stepped out.


He also had a revenge affair. It takes a way a lot of his moral high ground.

Your posts now have me concerned because it's obvious that you are not affaird to talk about anything except to beat your self up. I hope you are ok.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

And as gently as I can:


yvonne.bee said:


> But to the comment for the person who feel bad for my kids, that is an awful thing to say. I have never been a bad parent and I never brought my affair apart of them..


That isn’t really true, you just want it to be true... You had an affair in which you knew the marriage would be threatened and rip the family in two. You made a conscience choice that could destroy what they consider ‘family’ and would likely end in a broken household. Was that in their interest or your own? Do you think they didn’t notice the separation or that it did not impact them?

Now you also made the comment you are a poor wife. That probably isn’t completely true either. There are probably a lot of things about you your husband really does like, otherwise he’d just divorce you.

A suggestion; For a week, both of you take the time that when the other does something you like or appreciate, just tell them. It helps focus on the positives and the things your spouse likes about you instead of focusing on what they don’t like about you. Helps build your own self esteem knowing your actions are noticed and liked....

Another... rephrase the discussions. Instead of “Bad boy!!, Bad girl!!” stuff which puts the other on the defensive and gets no where... Tell them how you interpret whatever they did that upset you. Walk them through where your mind takes it. You will probably start to find out how much you read between the lines. And don’t lie about your insanity either... we are all insane. Just be really open about how your brain ticks. 

For instance; My wife didn’t like how I cleaned the kitchen and complained. So, I walk her through how my mind deals with that complaint. I think I did fine; So there isn’t any self-blame or need to “fix this in me”.... so every thought after is about what a nasty piece of condescending work she is since she’s too lazy to do it herself and doesn’t appreciate one bit any efforts I contribute. I can even embellish it and haul up a thousand other complaints drawing conclusions about her character in a not so nice way. 

By doing little things like that, she can be a bit clearer in her complaints. If I screw up, she can point it out. If its just not how she would do it, that isn’t a complaint and gets put out like a suggestion I can choose to take or leave. Either way, she still tells me she appreciates that I’m doing this at all. And I no longer take offense or bash her mentally about it.

Just work on that communication and help the other person understand how you tick and where you are probably a looney. You can love crazy people; I know this well.


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> You can only tell your one side of the story. She can only tell her one side.


If the story is the truth, there is only one side. I


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Do you realize that from your earliest post, you were telling us your version of facts? And your version of facts are contrasting highly with what your husband is saying, and even your own post. 

Like:


> Yvonne:
> Again, I made poor decisions but we are working on this together. It is hard to be in a relationship with someone, have kids together, and *to be the only one supporting the family* when there is two in the relationship isn't easy and isn't why I wanted to have a family...


But then you said 


> He works, works 40 hours a week. I never blamed him or held anything against him for money. We both work and make the same amount, me a little more because of my stability in my work.


And this is a flat out lie:


> I have never been a bad parent and I never brought my affair apart of them. I take great care of my kids and they would have no idea something was wrong if you even looked at them.


As for the underlined part: I am not surprised. Most people don't know/see kids enough to know when something is eating away at them on the inside. 
Phyiscal abuse is easy to spot. 
Emotional trauma isn't. 

And what Final said here contradicts what you said:


> It's interesting also that our 4 year old knows her "affair" by his first name. Also, he knows her "affair"'s kids names. And, on the day we were scheduled to be in court, her "affair" promptly walked into the courthouse holding my son's hand. (3 days after separation)



You also tell us this:


> Yvonne:
> Since we reconciled he started to take the kids to school and atleast come to bed with me. He does wake up earlier than he used to but I am still the main parent in the family. Whether I was with him or not I have come to terms that this is what it is for me and I am ok with that but it can be exhausting.
> He has gotten physical 2 times with me in front of our kids, and yes I fought back.


And then tell us this:


> He has never hit me and I went to jail. It wasn't a good situation.


So when you say he got physical, what does that mean?
And when you say you fought back, you weren't fighting back. You would have been assaulting him. 
Fighting back is self-defense. 
Fighting back when someone has not attacked you is not fighting back. That is assault. 

So, you are wanting help. I completely understand. 

But it is very difficult to help when you when half of everything you say is contradicted by you, or by your husband. 

So what is the real truth?


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## yvonne.bee (Mar 6, 2013)

i am completely contradiciting myself and have been very vague and not truthful. He was tought to deal with but he isnt't anymore. He works more than 40 hours a week and is a hard hard worker and changed a lot in his life for me in the past month.

I fought back against him and we struggled with eachother. I don't need to go into detail here but it is my fault for my jail time.

My kids met the man I was with 2 days after my husband found out the affair. I relyed on his help and my kids were there. 

If i could take the past and remold it I would including this day. 

Again I am the issue here not him. I have the problems and the issues. I am the cause for the distrust and the horrible events.

I need to just stop talking on here because I am digging a deeper hole by just contradicting and going back to what I first said. But i needed everyone to understand that I am the problem not my husband...he worked his problems out and I am the one struggling to be the good person when I have done ALL the wrong.


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

yvonne.bee said:


> Man, I don't think I could hadle the blasting your right... But I hope some people out there will see that my "excuses" are not ok but what happened happened and we are looking to do what is right for us and our family, we both had a lot of work to put into this relationship. I suppose my guilt is out waying my want to be happy, so thanks for your advice but I think I have joined the wrong group to find help in.



It didn't just happen, YOU did it.


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## finalstraw (Mar 6, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> How did you know she was posting here? Do you have a key logger on the computer she uses? I don’t care if you do. In this case it’s reasonable. But I’m just wondering how you found out.


Logged into our shared computer and her email was open and up when I opened the top of the laptop. I saw the subject line and decided to pop on over and check it out.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

*Re: Re: I'm new...I cheated, he took me back, why am I struggling to be happy?*



EleGirl said:


> He also had a revenge affair. It takes a way a lot of his moral high ground.


Maybe so but he is not the one who came here with the intent to deceive and in her words exaggerate.


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## finalstraw (Mar 6, 2013)

Revenge affair? 

I did sleep with someone AFTER my wife left me for another man, moved out, took my children with her, and served me with divorce papers.

I guess that makes me a morally wrong person.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

dblkman said:


> Maybe so but he is not the one who came here with the intent to deceive and in her words exaggerate.


Yes, but who is actually posting? Hard to know.


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## finalstraw (Mar 6, 2013)

That's just it. That is the issue with all of this. The story of everything that has happened is so complicated, and takes place over the past year.

I appreciate all of you trying to help, but (and I mean this with as much respect as possible) none of you have been around to see it all. The only thing you are getting is a fragmented representation of the chain of events that have gotten us here.

It is completely unfair for either myself or my wife to ask any of you to officiate, or validate either of our reasonings or problems.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

yvonne.bee said:


> Hi I am new to this and have been trying to seek help.
> 
> I recently reconciled with my wonderful husband a month ago. I had a short term affair with a man. He knows everything about it because of a huge break down in our marriage.
> 
> ...


Aside from the user name which she'd never choose, your
post sounds like it could've been written by my wife.

Eek. Spooky.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

yvonne.bee said:


> I don't deserve my husband and his sympathy, nor do I deserve for him to forgive me for all the horrible decisions I keep making.
> 
> I have left a lot out and exaggerated a whole lot.
> 
> ...


That's more like it...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Paulination said:


> If the story is the truth, there is only one side. I


We don't know if he's telling the truth anymore than we know if she is.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

dblkman said:


> Reaching out for help, seems like she is reaching out for sympathy with a bunch of half-truths.


Ya think, seems the story has completely taken a turn since Final came aboard..

For the kids not being involved in the affair it kind of boggles the mind.. ARE YOU SERIOUS YVONNE? OM walked into court holding your sons hand????? WTF????!!!!

You are lucky FINAL is even willing to allow you to see your son.

The smallest amount of sympathy I was having for her at the beginning has been officially withdrawn.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Paulination said:


> If the story is the truth, there is only one side. I


Having interviewed people for stories for a newspaper I have had people tell me the truth -as they saw it- and had two rather different accounts of the same event.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

finalstraw said:


> It is completely unfair for either myself or my wife to ask any of you to officiate, or validate either of our reasonings or problems.



This is the cheapest form of therapy you can get.

Take advantage of it.


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## yvonne.bee (Mar 6, 2013)

This is my last post, I should have never come on here my problems with my husband are between him and I and I feel into the trap I always fall for.

I made a mistake with my husband and I am lucky if I will still be with him... I am lucky he forgave me once a second time, will be a miracle. I adore him and he is a good man and I am sorry I even did this to him and to his respect and to my family.

Thank you all for your help but please just pray for me and my family that we make it through...

God Bless


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## Madman1 (Oct 24, 2012)

Ostera said:


> Ya think, seems the story has completely taken a turn since Final came aboard..
> 
> For the kids not being involved in the affair it kind of boggles the mind.. ARE YOU SERIOUS YVONNE? *OM walked into court holding your sons hand????? WTF????!!!!*
> 
> ...


OMG that one is hard to accept, how could you do that to their father?

I have never heard of somthing like that even from an ex wife.

That is so disreapectful and shows so much contempt.

Do you know that is a picture that he will live with the rest of his life.
OMG OMG OMG


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

yvonne.bee said:


> This is my last post, I should have never come on here my problems with my husband are between him and I and I feel into the trap I always fall for.
> 
> I made a mistake with my husband and I am lucky if I will still be with him... I am lucky he forgave me once a second time, will be a miracle. I adore him and he is a good man and I am sorry I even did this to him and to his respect and to my family.
> 
> ...


You know this is not a good sign. Your husband says that he's willing to go to MC. 

But then he comes on here with a lot of anger and you start posting and beating yourself up and back away.

You reached out for help. At this point it looks like you are being guilted and shamed into not getting any input.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Madman1 said:


> OMG that one is hard to accept, how could you do that to their father?
> 
> I have never heard of somthing like that even from an ex wife.
> 
> ...


According to her, he locked her and the children out of the house with nothing. She said that after this the OM was helping her. 

Now if he really did lock her and his children (with her) out with nothing ... um there is more to the story here.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

yvonne.bee said:


> I don't deserve my husband and his sympathy, nor do I deserve for him to forgive me for all the horrible decisions I keep making.
> 
> I have left a lot out and exaggerated a whole lot.
> 
> ...


Good for you in admitting this. One of the most facile things you hear on the internet is the "his side, her side, truth somewhere in between" line and it makes my skin crawl. 

Anyone who has been with a really manipulative spouse knows how that so-called wisdom is counted upon by them so they can lie with impunity against the truth you tell, and have the result be stacked in favor of the liar. It cannot be presumed that everyone lies.

The fact you are willing to do this does mean something. Also to your credit, you called him a wonderful husband, that you adored him, and that he had made significant changes for you in the OP, so we need to keep these "shadings of the truth" in perspective. 

I'm thinking the name your husband chose was in consequence of seeing what was posted here, but maybe what you have said since then has ameliorated things somewhat. I hope that you get joint marriage counseling.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> We don't know if he's telling the truth anymore than we know if she is.


Plus we are dealing with humans here. Everyone has their own subjective experience of what happens, everyone has their own 'truth' about shared events, and both views can be valid. That's where we come in, to encourage sharing, openness, understanding, to provide different perspectives that may help these two figure out what their goals are, what they ought to be, what's realistic, and how to get there.

finalstraw you are wrong if you think this forum cannot help you. I'd lay money that it will be better for the both of you than any individual councellor could be.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

yvonne.bee said:


> This is my last post, I should have never come on here my problems with my husband are between him and I and I feel into the trap I always fall for.
> 
> I made a mistake with my husband and I am lucky if I will still be with him... I am lucky he forgave me once a second time, will be a miracle. I adore him and he is a good man and I am sorry I even did this to him and to his respect and to my family.
> 
> ...


I'll pray for all of you. Good luck and best wishes.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

And who is it that makes you sad or happy? Oh, that's right YOU!


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

yvonne.bee said:


> This is my last post, I should have never come on here my problems with my husband are between him and I and I feel into the trap I always fall for.
> 
> I made a mistake with my husband and I am lucky if I will still be with him... I am lucky he forgave me once a second time, will be a miracle. I adore him and he is a good man and I am sorry I even did this to him and to his respect and to my family.
> 
> ...


To withdraw from this forum would be a colossal mistake. You need help. You can get it here. For sure, you'll get straight shooting advice and opinions, yes some posters will be harsh, but by and large, the vast majority of forum members genuinely want to help others who come here, and you can get extraordinary support. 

I can't be sure you are actually reading this stuff anymore. Your tone changed a great deal after finalstraw started posting.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> You know this is not a good sign. Your husband says that he's willing to go to MC.
> 
> But then he comes on here with a lot of anger and you start posting and beating yourself up and back away.
> 
> You reached out for help. At this point it looks like you are being guilted and shamed into not getting any input.


Elegirl, I can only think you have not completely read the posts.

Yvonne has been to prison, not her husband.

Yvonne has cheated, not her husband.

Yvonne came here and told a bunch of lies, not her husband.(She admitted to this, it is not an opinion).

I believe that Yvonne might need some honest and unbiased views, rather than the sympathetic non judgmental ones she was seeking. That is, non judgmental about her. She wanted her husband to be judged - and found wanting. Unfortunately, she was rumbled.


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## Madman1 (Oct 24, 2012)

finalstraw said:


> Revenge affair?
> 
> I did sleep with someone AFTER my wife left me for another man, moved out, took my children with her, and served me with divorce papers.
> 
> I guess that makes me a morally wrong person.


NO NO NO It does NOT make you morally wrong. That contract is between the two of you and the state has NOTHING to do with morality, its about taxes, property and custody!!!!

Some here wait for the paper work, others dont I sure the heII would not wait.

If you believe in vows before God well those had been broken already hadnt they?

*And we are always saying Change the locks Change the locks, yeah there were kids but we dont know what her options were just because she chose to have om help her.*


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> According to her, he locked her and the children out of the house with nothing. She said that after this the OM was helping her.


According to him she walked, moved in with other man, took the kids and served him with divorce papers. 
This story is all over the place.

I do not know who is telling the truth, but I do see who was CORRECTING their statements through minimization. It wasn't finalstraw.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Why are you both acting like we all know where you live
and have your pictures and contact info or something?

Go ahead and dump on your WW for screwing up big time,
but not for coming here and reaching out.

That being said, if we can't get the truth from her, we can't 
be too effective in helping.

I would advise getting into MC asap if either of you think there's
something left to save and stop beating each other up.

In these forums and elsewhere.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

cantthinkstraight said:


> Go ahead and dump on your WW for screwing up big time,
> but not for coming here and reaching out.
> .


Well we read that differently. He blasted her for, by his account, lying and character assassination not because she was looking for help. I agree with you about everything else.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Well we read that differently. He blasted her for, by his account, lying and character assassination not because she was looking for help. I agree with you about everything else.


True.

I just don't get all this "fear of internet strangers with more knowledge 
on these topics than most trying to help us by budding into our business" nonsense.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Dude, this place is like free internet counseling even with the drama included. If My wife and I go to MC I now know what to look for, what to avoid and how to find the right one for our situation.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Chris989 said:


> Elegirl, I can only think you have not completely read the posts.
> 
> Yvonne has been to prison, not her husband.
> 
> ...


For a betrayed you're far too trusting! . Her husband could have her log on info. It's hard to say, yes her tone would probably change once he joined in, but it went from waffling, foggy, rationalizing straight to it is all completely my fault, my husband is a saint! Again, it could happen, and the hubby highjacking her account in order to do what, make himself look better to an anonymous web forum? would be pathetic, but we deal with people often at their most pathetic here all the time.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

SadandAngry said:


> For a betrayed you're far too trusting! . Her husband could have her log on info. It's hard to say, yes her tone would probably change once he joined in, but it went from waffling, foggy, rationalizing straight to it is all completely my fault, my husband is a saint! Again, it could happen, and the hubby highjacking her account in order to do what, make himself look better to an anonymous web forum? would be pathetic, but we deal with people often at their most pathetic here all the time.


It has the ring of truth because Yvonne sounds just like my ex wife. Talks crap until she's called on it then changes the story. Seems practically incoherent until her bluff is called then becomes lucid when needed.

Maybe I'm wrong, but her first posts were such obvious approval seeking and justification for her errant behaviour that it was no surprise they were lies.

We'll never know, but we never really do, do we?


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

You were waaaaay too quick to name your hubby's flaws. ITS YOUR FAULT YOU CHEATED. NOT HIS. You are lucky he does not know me or I'd point that out to him real quick.

The reason you are not happy is because your hubby gave you cheap forgiveness. You did not lose him, so you still don't value him. Also, whatever your reasons for cheating were, they likely still exist. 
MC for you two and IC for yourself. And best of luck.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

SadandAngry said:


> For a betrayed you're far too trusting! . Her husband could have her log on info. It's hard to say, yes her tone would probably change once he joined in, but it went from waffling, foggy, rationalizing straight to it is all completely my fault, my husband is a saint! Again, it could happen, and the hubby highjacking her account in order to do what, make himself look better to an anonymous web forum? would be pathetic, but we deal with people often at their most pathetic here all the time.


Indeed. :rofl::rofl:

There are a few possible scenarios that are plausible here.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> ( I have always dealt with anxiety and stress and depression; I also have two small kids and work a full time job )


What treatment have you received for this?

The fact that you never feel happy or really content strikes me that the problem is perhaps how you feel about yourself, rather than how you feel about your H and your marriage...

Your H has given you the opportunity to give your marriage a second chance and, if you love him, you really don't want to mess that up. It sounds as though he's trying extremely hard to make your marriage work, but it will need you to give 100%, too, if this is going to happen.

In your shoes I think I would consider counseling to sort out the depression and stress issues.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

She got caught in her lies and ran away. How convenient!!

final, even if you don't think posting further is a good idea, I suggest that you read the stickies and the other threads that get posted on her. You can get some good general advice and notice patterns that happen in general during affairs. You need to make sure you aren't in a false reconciliation. Or wait for her guilt to go away and start her affair again(Is the OM a coworker ? Why did the affair end ? Was she dumped ? etc ). Educate yourself so that you can be proactive in keeping your family together.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Most cheaters dont deserve the benefit of doubt some seem so quick to dish out. She was lying got busted and left. That simple.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Ready...Fire...Aim!!

That seems to be about the ways of the wayward spouse. And of course WE can't be judgemental at all about them. Umm...okay.

You cheated he took you back, why are your struggling being happy? That's your question, right? Here's the answer: Because he totally f'd up your program. He took you back after finding out you were cheating on him.

Now you can no longer cheat on him cuz he "took you back".

Boo.

Hoo.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

finalstraw said:


> Revenge affair?
> 
> I did sleep with someone AFTER my wife left me for another man, moved out, took my children with her, and served me with divorce papers.
> 
> I guess that makes me a morally wrong person.


Final, I did use "IF" in my statements. Unfortunately, the quality of advice given here is proportional to the truthfulness of the advice seeker.

TAM posters, and counselors for that matter, can only advise based on the information they have been told. Yes, your side of the story of sleeping with someone else is a different matter. Had I had your information only and not hers, I certainly wouldn't have considered it a revenge affair based on the circumstances.

Look, it sounds like you both want to work this out. I hope you do.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I find it strange that throughout this entire time that neither final nor yvonne would simply lay out the story. It's not like anyone is going to know you on here, and if you are that worried about it you can request for this thread to be moved to the private section.

The only thing that we know for sure is that yvonne cheated on final. The cheating is 100% yvonne's fault. But final could have easily done a lot of the dumb things that a husband can do in a marriage to plant the seeds in yvonne's head in order to want to cheat. Not all cheating is because the WS wants to have more sex or wants to feel younger/sexier. A number of these affairs also start because he BS simply was not giving the WS what he/she needed. 

It's true that yvvone has to atone for her infidelity if she wants any chance for this marriage to work. However, for the marriage R to be successful and for the marriage to survive for the long term, BOTH need to work on their own faults and issues that caused the marriage to go south BEFORE the cheating occurred.


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