# The net gain of a month of effort. < 0



## Lone Ranger (Apr 15, 2012)

A month ago I made a thread on here, got some great advice from some great people. I followed that advice, approaching my wife with a discussion framed outside of sex but with the goal of bettering our marriage for both of us. My wife listened, we both made changes the other wanted.

On my end, I have been doing the daily sterilising and cleaning up of our sons bits and peices. This might not sound like a lot, but the whole process can take upwards of 45-60 minutes and usually takes place at between midnight and 1am due to Ethan getting pretty bad teething pains and being "up" till that time at the moment.

On her end, she agreed that she has been selfish in regards to reciprocation, not bothering to show affection etc. She was going to work on this.

She worked on it for about 5 days. This is another month where we had sex 1 time. She quickly stopped bothering to show me affection. No oral reciprocation has occured in the slightest.

I have not stopped doing my side of the agreement at all. Kept it up for a whole month.

I am short on ideas now, feeling pretty pissed off actually. Is it sad that I just went to see the new American Pie and instead of laughing at the film like I should do, I instead felt blow after blow each time a joke about sex in marriage popped out? I walked out of the cinema and had to fight back the tears, all the while saying to my wife who barely even held me hand "yea, it was a good film" and she didn't even notice.

Meh. I love her, I know she loves me, just wish she would bloody show it.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

I don't understand people who feel love but don't show it. I don't see how one can keep the love inside and not reveal it.


If she doesn't show love it's the same as if she doesn't feel love at all. 
What's the point of keeping it inside for your own self.?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

There's different kinds of love, though... You love your parents or siblings, would do anything for them. Doesn't mean you want to have sex with them (hopefully). People also demonstrate their love in different ways (I.e 5 languages of love).

C
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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Maybe there is little net gain after all your effort because the effort is coming from the wrong person?
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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I can totally relate to watching those movies with lots of sex jokes and talking about sex like American Pie and leaving feeling even more frystrated!!! I'm in the same boat of no sex since like 5/1 and that time was even kind of not 100% because he didn't cum!! I feel like he just can't get turned on enough by me in this period of time. 

The 5 love languages is a good book to read. I learned my love language is sexual. The book is Unfortunatly packed away since we are moving, so I can't recur to it. My husband likes acts of service and quality time. 

Maybe your wife has a couple love languages. Your wife could be acts of service and a couple others. Or your wife could be like my husband where stress effects the drive. If your baby is teething maybe she's feeling tired and stressed
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## intrigid (May 21, 2012)

What a nightmare. Are you really going to settle for this? Forget it. She's a lost cause. Even if she somehow were eventually capable of showing affection, does she deserve any affection from you? Seems not.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

PBear said:


> There's different kinds of love, though... You love your parents or siblings, would do anything for them. Doesn't mean you want to have sex with them (hopefully). People also demonstrate their love in different ways (I.e 5 languages of love).
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, but you do show them love in some way. If they bring you a reasonable need or request, you fulfill it if you're able. You don't passively watch them starve and pretend that you love them. Love between parent and child doesn't imply sex. Marriage does.


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

Most of the posters on here have had children...we all know how much of a strain having a baby puts on a relationship. 
The father should help as much as he can...only thing he cant do is breast feed which is why all men advocate 'breast is best'!!

When a baby comes into your lives, priorities change...yes a distressed baby IS more important than the two of you having sex,
BUT...when baby is sleeping you must NOT forget the two of you.

A female colleague once said to me probably 20 years ago (I'll never forget it) - 'first I am me, then I am my husbands wife and lover then I am my childrens mother.....not always in that order but all are equally as important as each other'.

She's spot on.

Sadly my own wifes priorites are a world away... :-(


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> No, but you do show them love in some way. If they bring you a reasonable need or request, you fulfill it if you're able. You don't passively watch them starve and pretend that you love them. Love between parent and child doesn't imply sex. Marriage does.


Oh, I would agree with you! I think it's incredibly wrong for a spouse to say they love you, but refuse to make the effort to meet your needs. But I think the transition from "lover" to "father" is one of those things that happens in some marriages that derails the physical relationship. Then there's a struggle to move back out of that zone, if you can. The problem being that often, only one spouse recognizes that there's a problem...,

C
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## Lone Ranger (Apr 15, 2012)

The thing is, all this talk of her being tired / stressed from being a mother could very well be true a month a go. But not now and things did start to change for a few days and then she just stopped trying and fell back into old ways.

My son is 9 months old, my wife doesnt work because she is home looking after our son during the day.

For a month I have been doing:

Going to work at 7am, getting home at 4:15pm. Taking our son till 5pm so my wife can relax and have a bath.

Been helping out cooking, 3-4 nights a week. 

Every Thursday my wife goes bingo with her family for 5 hours in the evening, I take our son for this. I don't have any of this "away time" a week for myself.

Staying up till 1am cleaning all the bits and bobs so that my wife can get to bed earlier.

This is all extra stuff I have been doing to help lighten the load, ontop of the chores I do normally anyway.


There is no way this is related to her being tired / stressed out now, a month ago perhaps, but not as of late.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You may not think its related to her being stressed or tired, but at 9 monts post partum, I suspect you may not be correct. Or she could still be suffering from post partum depression. In any case, her sex drive and having such a young child very well could be linked together. As well as her inability to focus on "fixing" things for more than a week.

I say this as a father of two...

C
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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

Post Natal depression it could be....

Could also be that she thinks she's on to a winner.... give the impression that she's trying (but not actually doing) whilst you are running round like a skivvy.

'They' arent stupid.....!!!


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

"all men advocate 'breast is best'!!"

We still talking about feeding???? - JK!

Lone, You are definitely pulling your weight here in my opinion but I do also agree with other posters that MAYBE there's something else going on. What are your weekends like? Why isn't it possible for the both of you to spend some physical time together AFTER the baby is asleep at 1 AM? Tell her to go to bed and that you'll bring her a glass of wine when the baby goes down. Gently wake her, give her the wine and start to talk to her and caress her. Think you can guess the rest!


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

Too right 'Breast is best'!!..... Its not our fault we are biologically incapable of doing those 3am feeds. Sorry. Blame the big boss up there!


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Blame mother nature for making breast feeding a natural birth control method. My drive didn't come back all the way until a few months after I weaned my daughter at 13 months and then it came back with a vengeance. It's tiring, you feel like you have someone already ON you all the time, and your hormones are telling your body not to get hirny because baby is still little. I'm not saying to wean the baby but have a little understanding of the biology that is going on. I'm sorry she isn't trying to do more, how old is the baby?
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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi Lone ~

Are you doing all these things with some kind of expectations from them, or are you doing them simply out of the goodness of your heart and as an active participant in family life?

If your wife is breastfeeding a cranky, up all night with teething, nine month old then yes, her libido is likely down. The hormones of breastfeeding depresses a woman's sex drive, and fatigue is just another weight on top of that. Normally during this period in your life there's some amount of adjustment that has to be made in your love life.

But, the thing is you followed through on your month obligation, but she didn't on hers, and what did you do about it? Did you just let hers slide - allowing her to think that everything is okay? Did you assert your position? Too often, men are just timid about what they really want, fearing that it will be too much of a burden or scare off their wives or they fear rejection so much, so they just clam up. And the wife just thinks that everything is fine because the husband never said a word.

Best wishes.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Hi Lone ~
> 
> Are you doing all these things with some kind of expectations from them, or are you doing them simply out of the goodness of your heart and as an active participant in family life?
> 
> ...


I would also ask whether your actions align with your words. If you raise the issue in discussions, but continue to act as if everything is alright, you are sending mixed messages. In those situations, it is very common for people to receive the message they want to hear (everything is okay so I can continue on) rather than the message they don't like (he is upset over how things are). Telling her that things are still not okay on your end, and pulling back a little, can help avoid a mixed message.


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

Biologically, females are more 'wired' for the mothering/nurturing/nest building role than men are. Biologically men are designed to go out hunting to provide the food, protect the family etc.
You see it today....when young children are sad, sick or just need some TLC they tend to run to 'Mummy'....when they are frightened they tend to run to 'Daddy'.

Social pressures, intelligence etc have changed 'us'....men are now far more 'hands on' in the home and are far more active in raising children....we are going against our natural instincts.

I appreciate that looking after a baby, breast feeding etc tends to kill a womans sexual desire (though they are capable of conceiving again within some 4 weeks of giving birth).
I think its 'fair' for a a couple to go without sex for maybe the first 6-8 weeks after the birth...to let things 'recover'.... but then even if the wife still isn't interested, she should make the effort to to be sexual towards her husband....for him.


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

7737 you make it sound so easy. Just have sex cause your husband wants to. After having a baby and breastfeeding our bodies are not our own. Hormones, body changes and in my case nipples that I could scrub pots with after breastfeeding left me feeling like an alien had taken hold of me. Interrupted sleep for the 1st year didn't help either. Never felt rested. Everytime we had sex, my breasts would leak. Now there's a turn on. If you could feel what she is feeling, you wouldn't want sex either. Some women have an easier time than others. I also had horrible post partum, and those middle of the night feedings didn't help me recover from that.

My best advice is to figure out how to get her out of mommy mode. Right now her life is dictated by the baby, when she pee's, sleeps everything. You need to get her into woman mode and remind her what you love about her as everything from her schedule to her body screams baby and that equals not sexy. Pressuring her into servicing you will not bring the long term results you want.


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

Shiksa...I've been there, done that....twice. Boy I know its not easy...My wife went off sex completely and I felt rejected.....as time went on and I was still being rejected I became more resentful and more bitter.

What I am trying to say, is that to prevent that happening the husband has to give his wife more 'sexual space' (particularly during the first couple of months), but she also needs to remember that aswell as being the baby's mother she is also herself, a wife and a lover.

Couples HAVE to make time for themselves (which includes having sex) otherwise its teh beginning of a slippery downhill slope.

I wish I could turn the clock back....


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Shiksa said:


> 7737 you make it sound so easy. Just have sex cause your husband *wants* to....


When my first child was born, it was a year and a half before we had sex again. --Hopefully there's a happier medium than that for married couples.

When the 'needs' of a partner become 'wants' they somehow take on a trivial tone.


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