# Ex won't stop contacting me no matter what I do



## zio (Mar 8, 2017)

Deleted everything, just incase. Anyways, the problem in this thread was an obsessive ex won't stop contacting no matter how much I asked for him to leave me alone, and then used threats and blackmail. This isn't the first time. But this is what you do no matter how hard it is, how manipulative it can be, or how much fear and worry it will be. 

If you want to move on from an obsessive, manipulative, abusive, toxic person you were in a relationship with, and save yourself from worry and fear, follow these steps. I wish I had have done that in the first place and saved my heart years from pain but manipulation and fear can really screw you over.

1. You MUST stop all contact. Literally delete everything e.g. chats, photos, videos, number, apps etc. You MUST get to the root and kill it. Delete everything so that you don't have any excuse for you to be tempted to make contact, and for the other person to find it impossible to even contact you. Though it can be a pain, change your number, email addresses, accounts etc. Don't go back, don't have mercy, and don't you even try to sympathise with a manipulative person. Just cut all ties. If you do this: a) He/she may still try contact you, but as long as you deleted everything they will soon get over it; b) You save yourself from so much problems.

2. Do not try to feel sorry and go back on your decision and kid to yourself that you will just keep contact and 'nothing' more will happen. Do you know why? Because this obsessive stalker or whatever they are, will try say things like 'let's stay friends', 'I just want to check on you from time to time' just so they can keep a grip on you. Slowly without realising you will end up where you began (speaking from experience). Therefore, do not fall for this trap!

3. If you could not follow through with steps 1 and 2, and for those who were like me who felt sympathy, guilt and attachment to a manipulator and thought to yourself 'it's over, what could he/she possibly do' and then in a few weeks or months change your mind to wanting to completely remove him/her from your life because you felt tied down, BUT then faced with blackmail and threats, DO NOT even try to fix the problem or negotiate. Once this person blackmails or threatens you, he/she will try make you think they have something on you, the worry and fear will start to build inside you, you will try to do what they say just so what they say does not happen. If you were threatened and decided not to leave the relationship because you feared what they will do to you, you are going to feel like you are taking your full precautions every minute. If you had a bit of trust in this person, after a blackmail or threat is made that trust is diminished entirely and the relationship will never be the same. You will always be worried that if you do something wrong they will threaten or blackmail you again. They will manipulate you in staying thinking there is no other way. Emotionally and mentally you will feel trapped with no choice. 

So, how do you get out of this? How do you respond to a threat or blackmail? From experience, if you are being threatened or blackmailed, do not let your fear try to run your actions (Though it's harder than said). Immediately, ignore, don't respond, and do what is required in step 1. Remove and delete every contact you have with this person. Don't even think about responding to these threats, from experience, a) it will add more fuel to the fire, b) it makes you look emotionally weak and fearful c) it will continue as long as you keep responding (lesson learnt). Don't even make compromises and don't even send anything if asked (most likely a person will ask of such an action because they possess nothing from you, but will try in a subliminal way to get something from you). DELETE EVERYTHING. Sooner or later after 24 hours of constant worry you will find that his/her threats are just empty words without action. For example, if a person tries to threaten you or your family, uses profane language, violence etc. and does nothing within a few hours or even a day. It was an empty threat. Move on and don't even think about contacting this person ever again. 

4. Now, if you feel that something is going to happen. It is so important that you don't keep this bottled up inside you by yourself. It is important that if you feel danger let someone know about it i.e. parents, friend, partner etc. Do not keep it to yourself, it will eat you up and will keep you emotionally and mentally down. You need the support of people in this time. If something is to happen, at least you will know that you have confessed to someone than for them to find out by this manipulator. 

5. Before, or even after something like this happens. As a lawyer, you will be deemed a victim for anything that is published without consent and is used for defaming you. Seek the police and legal advice as soon as possible if the problem you are facing is of serious concern. 

As a person that has been manipulated greatly by such a person and didn't follow any of the rules stated above and only did so after it ruined so many years of my life. The best way to get out of all this before it reaches to the stage of threats and blackmail is to completely cut off all contact for good. Definitely do not compromise or even think about staying as 'friends' with an obsessive crazy manipulator stalker. Get out from the beginning before it gets worse. Trust me. 

I hope this helps anyone that is facing a crazy person that won't let them go and doesn't take no as an answer. Therefore, kill the root of the problem at it's early stages.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

What he is doing is stalking, its illegal in the US and many places. 

Has he ever threatened, or do you think he is likely to be violent? If not:

Send him a very clear simple email telling him to stop contacting you in any way. Tell him that if he contacts you again, you will contact the police. If he does contact you again, call the police. If he distributes pictures of you without your permission that is now a pretty serious crime in many areas. Again contact the police. The pictures may be embarrassing to you, but they will put him in prison. 

When you email him you don't need to be harsh / threatening - just a factual. "I've asked you to stop contacting me on several occasions. If you contact me again, I am going to report it to the police". 


If you think he might become violent, then contact the police right away.


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## zio (Mar 8, 2017)

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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You need to be more creative in hiding your identity.

But, I admit that is so hard with computers and cell phones, professional associations, networking sites, Face Book, Linked In, etc., ad-nauseum.

On the photos and videos? Let that be a lesson for everyone. Digital media and photos never disappear.

I would go into hiding for a few years. Change your screen names on all communication software and websites.

Then, ignore him...forever and a week. If you never answer he will not know "for sure" if he has re-contacted you.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

How bad are the photos/videos?


If I were you I would:

Tell my fiance the truth about everything.

Try to contact his wife/family and show the messages illustrating his harassment and ask that they reach out to him to ask him to stop.

Ask the university if it's possible to get a new email address. It's very likely they will be understanding if you explain the situation.

Block him on all other social media sites, consider starting new profiles, block others from being able to search you (I know FB offers this option).


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## zio (Mar 8, 2017)

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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think stalking is serious enough to get law enforcement involved. The OP should not have to hide on social media and the law is on her side. 





Keke24 said:


> How bad are the photos/videos?
> 
> 
> If I were you I would:
> ...


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Good job telling your fiance everything. I think I would completely ignore this guy when he contacts you and if he doesn't stop, ask him to never contact you again (if you haven't already), then when he doesn't stop, expose his stalking behavior to his wife/family like @Keke24 suggested. And contact the police to have it on record and get a restraining order if possible. Even see if you can get your university email changed, unless he'd be able to just look it up again.

This guy is creepy. But the fact that your fiance knows you (like most people) did stupid things when you were young and some photos/videos are out there takes away a huge stressor for you. Unless this guy is physically dangerous, he's just an irritant. Yes, he could embarrass you, but your fiance will stand by you. He can't ruin your life. He probably gets off on knowing you're nervous about the pictures and if that energy is no longer there, hopefully he'll lose interest. Kind of the way bullies know how to pick the scared person to taunt. The people who aren't afraid are no fun to mess with.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Find out if it's possible to block him on your university email. Alternately, get a new university mail address - they will very likely give you one if you tell them you're being stalked by an ex - and block him on it from the get-go. Block him on all social media. Block him on your phone and any and all messaging apps. If he's still somehow able to contact you, then ignore his messages. The more you respond to him, the more he will continue to contact you. You've already asked him to stop contacting you. Now it's your turn to stop contacting him back. Do not respond, in any way, to any of his attempts at contact. It's pretty likely that he will lose interest and stop eventually, provided he's not getting any response - at all - from you.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

He expects you to respond. He can expect this & expect that, all he wants. He can expect the world to fall at his feet, but that doesn't mean it's going to happen. He's blackmailing you. It's disgusting. 

You've told your fiancé about everything. 

I'm assuming that you work for the university? If not, deactivate your email. Get a completely new one and one that isn't associated with the university. 

Block him. Never, ever answer a single text, email, phone call. Nothing. Do NOT respond to him in any way, shape, or form.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

WorkingWife said:


> And contact the police to have it on record and get a restraining order if possible.


This. Sounds like a stalker. Start treating him as such.


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

If you live in the United States (or elsewhere for that matter) consider:

Contacting local law enforcement. They are in the best position to help you and discuss various options. It can range to giving advice to more intrusive intervention. You should at least understand your situation and options to make an informed decision on how to move forward.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

They live in different countries. I doubt her local law enforcement would have any authority over him.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

That does complicate it, but there may be something that they can do. Its also good to get it on record in case he comes to her country. 




tropicalbeachiwish said:


> They live in different countries. I doubt her local law enforcement would have any authority over him.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Getting a police report now may be helpful in the future. Like if the guy moves to your country or visits your country. If you are in the EU there may be EU laws which cross borders. If he is violating laws where he lives, it may be possible to get some kind of restraining order against him there.

Zio, you've told your fiance about your past with this guy, so you have nothing really to lose if he does release whatever information he has. I think you are overly fearful of him. He has even said he won't make those things public.

You have every right to be free of him. You have no obligation to be nice to him, to talk to him, to respond to him, or for him to be able to know how to contact you. I am not sure you really understand those things. Do you?

I think you should explore what your legal rights are. Your university may have some kind of legal office where you could talk to a lawyer for free. I think the university has an obligation to help you since he is harassing you on your university email.

It may be possible to reverse the pressures to make him stop. Have you saved copies of the emails or other contacts he's made with you? His parents, his fiance, even his religious leaders may be contacted by you. Ask them to ask him to leave you alone. Your relationship with him was a long time ago. You could even include a copy of one of his messages to you in your contact with those people. This would show them he is being unreasonable and that you have asked him to leave you alone. It would also let him know that you have more potentially embarrassing things which you could send to those people.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

I'd like clarification on her current association with the university. Unless she's in an advanced education, she should be done with college. That's why I was thinking she may just work for the university.


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## zio (Mar 8, 2017)

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## zio (Mar 8, 2017)

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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

zio said:


> I told my fiance of this past. But I did not tell him to this day he keeps contacting me.




That's not good. Tell him to tonight


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Thor said:


> Getting a police report now may be helpful in the future. Like if the guy moves to your country or visits your country. If you are in the EU there may be EU laws which cross borders. If he is violating laws where he lives, it may be possible to get some kind of restraining order against him there.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Good idea. The university should have a policy in place in which IT admin can block his email address from reaching the university mail system. That would allow you to keep the same address. 

Or you can change the name and get a new address.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

zio said:


> I apologized but still waiting his reply.


You are giving him all the power here and allowing him to run all over you.

Time to dig your heels in and make a stand.

Stop apologizing for doing the right thing, and waiting around for him to "do something". What's the worst he can do, post a few nude pictures that he might not even have of you when you were younger? Like I think I said somewhere tell him if he does you'll have him arrested and charged for privacy invasion or whatever law it is he will break by doing it and then block him completely and live your life.


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## zio (Mar 8, 2017)

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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

I just told you what to do.


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

zio said:


> Im scared of his blackmail what am I supposed to do. His last email to me translated are: I am at work now, we will talk once I finish. To see how your mind let you do such a stupid act. Take care, I am being patient with you, if it was some other person he would have done a stupid action. We will talk soon, bye. His other emails, 'what did you do you (mental person) you idiot, you don't know what you did, but you brought it on your self. I swear to (Allah) if I knew you spoke to anyone else on my side I will make you regret the past and the future of your life...If I went crazy on you I would make you lose your life'. 'I swear to God if you did a idiotic thing again I will make you walk looking back, because I never hurt you, but because of your stupid mind you hurt me, and you will bring it on yourself like I told you'.


Have your fiancé reply to him and tell him to back off, you will never reply to him. Your fiancé could inform his parents, and his wife's parents if you know who they are, what he is doing to you and how he is hurting his wife. Regardless, *STOP* answering him.

IamSomebody


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

That last email was a direct physical threat. No doubt about it. I think you should pursue legal action against him. Definitely contact the police. You may want to contact a lawyer, which your university may provide to you for free at least for a consult. Even though your ex is in a different country there may be some legal avenues for you.

You should not be doing this alone. You need competent help from professionals, and you need the support of your friends and family. Gather your resources and use them.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Stop engaging him.


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## newlab (Mar 9, 2017)

First thing first I understand you are worried but don't be. You have the whole right here, and I think he understands that any move from him is illegal, that's why he threatened but hasn't done anything. A dog that barks is not a dangerous dog!

You should also contact the police. What he is doing is illegal here in the US, unless you are not living in the US. You could actually have contacted the police earlier when he refused to delete photos/videos from you.


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## RideofmyLife (Dec 18, 2015)

The advice given to stop contact is spot on. There's a book called the Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker and he talks about stalking behavior. ANY contact, even negative, can fuel his desire to contact you. Don't answer calls, emails, nothing. Don't have your fiancé tell him to back off, don't call the wife, nothing! Even restraining orders have been known to fuel an increase in contact. (In some cases, they work, though) They think, wow she got a restraining order, she must feel *something*. and it increases their desire to contact you. They got you to feel something, they've affected you in some way. It's all about the connection. You've taken some good steps, you just need to stop contacting him and stop responding when he contacts you. If you have a personalized message on your voice mail, get rid of it and get an automated one so he can't hear your voice, block him on facebook, etc...


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## zio (Mar 8, 2017)

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## zio (Mar 8, 2017)

An update on this post after being threatened. 

It's been 5 months now, and nothing has happened. I changed my university email name but supposedly my old university email is like an alias so if someone does send an email to that email address I receive it on my new one. But I blocked and deleted this person's email and reported as spam, but sometimes I see some emails from his in the Spam or Trash folder. Ever since this incident a month later, he tried to make contact. One was wishing me a Happy Easter and wishes that I am happy, second, sending me a sad song of how he 'feels' and another email of another song. I haven't replied to any and ever since those emails haven't heard back, or maybe the adding of more filters to his email address have officially blocked future emails. Either way, I am glad that's all over


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