# wife - kids first, me second?



## cone (Aug 6, 2008)

I've been married for 2 years to a woman that already had 4 children. I love them like my own and accept them completely. 
I also have two kids of my own. 

I feel like I am not number one to her, sometimes not even equal but very secondary to her kids. I understand the kids needs and would never interfere with that but still would like to hold a special place in her heart that no one else can, I mean, we are married, to be "as one" forever. The kids leave and marry other poeple. Is this wrong to feel this way? I dont resent the children at all, I just feel farther down the totem pole than I should. 

Not sure if I am being placed there by my wife or if I have put myself there due to paranoia, etc. 

Any one have some info to share on this? moms or dads?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

What does she do that makes you think you are a lower priority? 





cone said:


> I've been married for 2 years to a woman that already had 4 children. I love them like my own and accept them completely.
> I also have two kids of my own.
> 
> I feel like I am not number one to her, sometimes not even equal but very secondary to her kids. I understand the kids needs and would never interfere with that but still would like to hold a special place in her heart that no one else can, I mean, we are married, to be "as one" forever. The kids leave and marry other poeple. Is this wrong to feel this way? I dont resent the children at all, I just feel farther down the totem pole than I should.
> ...


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

It is very common to see that kind of pecking order and it should have been discussed prior to marriage, both your views on this very thing, especially because you already have children and probably already know what it is like to be #3.

You need to discuss it now. Marriage has to come first -- then the children. Other people put it God>Marriage>Children. Both of those work for me.


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## Harvard (Aug 11, 2009)

DOBO- what do you mean exactly when you say Wife First Kids Second. The love a parent has for their kids is very different than your love for your spouse. I am remarried and have custody of my two kids. I love them more than my wife but it is a completly different kind of love. 
The love I have for my wife is very important to me and at the same time I won't allow my kids to sabotage my marriage or come between us by their actions. I plan like most of us to spend the rest of my life. So in my opinion to love your bio kids more is not uncommon and both the kids and the spouse should come first.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

What I mean is, that beyond the necessities, you must put your spouse ahead of your children in terms of attention and making them feel #1 in your life. Afterall, children grow and leave. The mistake too many make is putting their children ahead of everything and by the time they leave, there is no marriage left.

I have two daughters. My husband has two sons. But he is my #1 and I am his.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Cone-

Nice to see you again 

I think the best marriages are where the wife and husband put each other first, and then the kids when they come along are second. In this way, the kids can feed off the security of the stable love-bond of the parents. Anything else is upside down. 

Think of it as a pyramid. The energy love and power comes down from the top (the parents) and filters down to the kids.

If that bond is not strong - what are the kids going to feed on? What examples will they get about love. What model will they take into their own marriages?


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Making children kings and queens is generally bad for business, even if you are a single parent.


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## New Beginnings (Sep 9, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> Cone-
> 
> Nice to see you again
> 
> ...


:iagree: Well spoken MT, I couldn't agree more on this.


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## cone (Aug 6, 2008)

Good to be back and see you again to, thanks!

This was my thinking, by spouses making each other number one, this actually is better for the kids than making the kids number one. (maybe prioritizing with numbers doesnt sound right but you get my meaning). 

If the marriage is as strong as it can be, the kids win anyway. 

I basically feel expendable sometimes. 

I guess my question is, can a wife tending to her kids sometimes mask her true feelings? like maybe I am number one to her but maybe she has simply neglected to show it somehow? When they leave, the "number one" behavior will flood back in full force? I think Im ok with waiting for that if that is the case. I would rather feel a bit more important now though. 

The reason I am very understanding with her is that she has never ever been able to depend on or trust a man before me, maybe thats most of what it is. 



MarkTwain said:


> Cone-
> 
> Nice to see you again
> 
> ...


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

My husband hoped that once the kids were grown and gone, his ex- would return to the marriage. She had other plans that involved purchasing a house without his knowledge and telling him she was leaving and divorcing him before the kids had reached their teens.

The problem with the hope that the marriage will become what it should have been all along is that by the time the kids are out of the house, you're two different people from the ones who married years earlier. Your relationship has diverged, not converged. Men tend not to get this for some reason. Another example is when the husband is ready to retire and the wife (who stayed at home) says, "OMG. No!" because he will mess up her already established life.

Martial relationships are different than any other because of expectations and resentment that gets built up. Friends can let things fall off their back. Marriages tend to gather moss. By the time it is just the two of you, you not only don't know where to start, you're not sure if you really want to and in some cases, you're darned certain you don't want to at all.

You have to discuss this with her and try to right the order of the family. 

Obviously, there will be times when you agree that something needs to come first regarding kids and you'll step aside and feel OK about it. But when you don't have a choice and you aren't involved or consulted, that's when bad feelings arise. A lot of men put up with it, but they'd be a lot happier if the pecking order had been established from the get go.

(This is a great reason for premarital counseling, for instance.)


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

cone said:


> I've been married for 2 years to a woman that already had 4 children. I love them like my own and accept them completely.
> I also have two kids of my own.
> 
> I feel like I am not number one to her, sometimes not even equal but very secondary to her kids. I understand the kids needs and would never interfere with that but still would like to hold a special place in her heart that no one else can, I mean, we are married, to be "as one" forever. The kids leave and marry other poeple. Is this wrong to feel this way? I dont resent the children at all, I just feel farther down the totem pole than I should.
> ...



When kids are young, they have to come first as they cannot take care of their needs, like bathing, eating... etc.
After they are about 11, things start to change and they by then should have mastered at least being able to do things for their basic personal needs, themselves and be counted on to
do so in a timely and acceptable manner. It's actually not that kids come first, but small kids needs MUST come first. Small kids are totally dependent !

Some
People twist this actuality around to suit themselves !!! Saying kids come first and they could be talking about a 15- 25 or even 30 year old ! haha

also... about what you wrote, lots of people are like this and will put even 20 year olds above their spouse !!! Often a reason many pass on people with children as this can really be a problem. They seem to use the kid as a shield for everything they don't want to do.......
My husbands ex did that and I know lots of females who do. They use the kids as an excuse for everything !!!

It's like they are an excuse ! 
That gets old quick and a marriage won't survive that !


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Hmmm. Preso - the kids should never come first; no matter what age. I don't mean to completely abandon them and not tend to their needs; that's ok. As a matter of fact, I'll go one further and say that a mother puts the kids needs above not only her H but herself - from my experience; that is asking for trouble in the marriage from the get go.

I have been married 30 years, 3 children, now all moved out. What happened to us is exactly becuase of putting our kids first for many years.

Your theory has a flaw in it if you have multiple kids, simply becuase you don't have them all at one time - at least not most of us. So what happens is you are asking for 10 or more years of making your marriage number 2. If you have kid one then 2 ro 3 years later kid 2, then 2 to 3 years after kid 3, etc; with your post you would be putting yourself and your spouse as number 2 and 3 for well over 10 years. I'm sorry but that does deteriorate a marriage.

IMHO, you should always have your kids close to you and love them like no other - but, you need to put your marriage at the forefront of everything. NOT EASILY DONE! I know. That is where me and my W failed. Thank God, we were able to work things out between us after we became empty nesters. We were so close to losing our marriage - after 30 years becuase of not being the #1 priority in each others life.

It's kind of self defeating and in a SAD but funny way, you want to think: Oh, after the kids are gone we will be able to do things for ourselves and each other - guess what? 30 years is a long time to be third class in a marriage.

Also, the kids see that. They see when mom and dad are not happy and they know it. Would it not set a better example for them if they knew, sensed and felt that mom and dad really love each other becuase they see (witness) the way they TRULY care for each other. The only way to accomplish that is to put each other, H and W, first. So when the day comes that the kids leave there is something very real and caring there.

Also, God forbid - but if you lose a child, or your child is seriously ill, you need the support and love from your spouse to get through that.

I am with the others on here and dobo - 1.God, 2. Yourself and your spouse, 3. Children.

Keep in mind that I am suggesting this for the good and better of the children. Of course they are completely dependant on you when they are young but that in no way should EVER, place your spouse second. Done That! Been There! Have the T-shirt. And from experience it was not working out well. Now that we are alone and have had the chance to put each other first in our lives -30 years later - we realize how dumb we were for not doing this sooner. Life is great, really great now - but only becuase we have both been missing the care, love, compassion, feelings and respect for each other becuase we put the kids first.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Its a different kind of love , the first person i think about when i wake up is my husband i love him and would do anything to make him happy ( with in reason lol ) .
our children are loved for different reasons to  each has there special quality that shines . I would say that a mothers love goes a long way sometime the children do have to come first .. 
what you need to do is make night ime special when they are in bed that time belongs to you both x 
get a baby sitter and go out ..
Im sure has they get older and become more independent your see things change x

i like to think that i put all off my family first ..they all mean so much to me x


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

HD, Good Answer. :iagree:


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

I put my husband first and I expect him to do the same for me. Our marriage is the most important relationship to me. It is the relationship from which our relationship with our children derived. 

Ultimately, I want my children to grow up and leave. My husband - not so much. Therefore it behooves me to make my husband my #1 priority.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

brighterlight said:


> - 1.God, 2. Yourself and your spouse, 3. Children.
> 
> .



I agree with that except in the case of infants, who are totally dependent for all their needs.

After 11, there is no way anyone should have to be providing basic care for a kid ( except in the case of physical or mental disability of the child)


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Yeah, I don't see where doing things for the children when they can't do them for themselves even enters into it. Rarely do you see dad upset because Mom spends too much time giving little Jr. a bath and feeding and changing him. It is when Jr. gets all of the affection and cuddling and dad gets none.... when Jr. burps and mom rushes to Jr. and refuses to leave his side because he might be getting sick when dad already payed the sitter for a night with his wife... or when mom won't even consider a sitter... or when Jr is now 5 and still sleeping in mom and dad's bed (between them)... etc. etc. etc. that problems set in.

Then by the time Jr. is 13, he's wearing the crown, he disrespects his father, and he's got a lock on mom's heart.

It is even more difficult with step children...

I have a relationship with my girls that is incredible. I share a brain with my older one, or we're telepathic. My husband is seen as an interloper to some extent by the young one. HOWEVER. My husband never has to wonder where he fits into the family where I'm concerned.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I think that it can be safely said that putting a spouse first is never at odds with good parenting if both husband and wife are mature and loving toward one another and their family.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I always put my wife first. 

In a way she always put our 3 children first and me second. And that is completely fine with me. Because second really meant second. Which means that she puts plenty of time and effort into ME. Into MY needs. 

She is a great wife. We did have some struggles over the years as to what priority she gave to me. And we resolved them. 

I am a simple guy - I need to be spoken to with the same respect and courtesy that I show to others. I need to be treated in accordance with the golden rule. And I need a certain amount of physical affection including sex. 

And that last need is a real - genuine - need. It is not a want. It is not optional. 

My wife has a similar but more extensive    list of needs. And I do the best I can to exceed what she asks for. 

As for the kids - there is no friction about her putting them first since we have no trouble taking care of their needs AND each others needs fully. 












cone said:


> I've been married for 2 years to a woman that already had 4 children. I love them like my own and accept them completely.
> I also have two kids of my own.
> 
> I feel like I am not number one to her, sometimes not even equal but very secondary to her kids. I understand the kids needs and would never interfere with that but still would like to hold a special place in her heart that no one else can, I mean, we are married, to be "as one" forever. The kids leave and marry other poeple. Is this wrong to feel this way? I dont resent the children at all, I just feel farther down the totem pole than I should.
> ...


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Dobo ill give you my wifes cell number can you beat that into her head? I been trying and she knows that's how it needs to be but as she tells me she isn't there yet. Grr.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Dobo,
This is beautiful. I bet your man loves seeing you enmeshed in a telepathic exchange with your daughter. I know I am delighted to watch my wife and children bond. I am not jealous by nature and so it is natural to me to encourage her to do things with them - even things they do without me. It would be different though if she was ignoring me. 

The only time we have conflict over the children is when I am having conflict with a child and she is not backing me up. And that DOES suck. She sometimes thinks I am being to hard on them. But that is not too common. And when it happens we resolve it albeit painfully. 





dobo said:


> Yeah, I don't see where doing things for the children when they can't do them for themselves even enters into it. Rarely do you see dad upset because Mom spends too much time giving little Jr. a bath and feeding and changing him. It is when Jr. gets all of the affection and cuddling and dad gets none.... when Jr. burps and mom rushes to Jr. and refuses to leave his side because he might be getting sick when dad already payed the sitter for a night with his wife... or when mom won't even consider a sitter... or when Jr is now 5 and still sleeping in mom and dad's bed (between them)... etc. etc. etc. that problems set in.
> 
> Then by the time Jr. is 13, he's wearing the crown, he disrespects his father, and he's got a lock on mom's heart.
> 
> ...


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Dobo - again that was an excellent reply.

Mem - My W was ignoring me - for the priority of the kids. I gathered from the original poster (cone) that he was getting the same treatment as I was.

I agree that the "FAMILY" should be ONE unit. And I really like dobo's post on that. If it were like that for everyone, well, a LOT of folks would not be on this site.

But sometimes, the parents are so focused in the children that they just get into a rut with their marriage and they don't even realize it until it's too late.

But as for the H being number two - I totally disagree with that comment.

I guess we are all seeing the same thing, it's just a matter of semantics with the saying "number one". Of course you can be number one at some point in time and the kids number one at another during the childs youth but it has to balance. When you go from the child being number one for a year and you get number one for two days in that entire year - well, strange feelings start to arise. I married my SO so that I could have someone to share my life with, having someone care enough about me to share my day to day experiences with, someone to share touching with, hold me, take interest in my thoughts and ideas. Emphisis on "Share". When the kids came along, 90% of that disappeared.

And BTW, I was at fault too. And all it would have taken to better our marriage was better planning and commitment to each other not just to the kids.

OK. enough ranting for me. Sorry - It may different for others but in my case and my experiece - put your spouse first and the rest will follow.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Maybe it is semantics. Not to be overly quantitative about this and seem autistic:
- We have sex twice a week - she can put kid focused activites where ever she wants. She can do stuff 5 nights a week that precludes sex - which is putting them first those nights. I not only am ok with that I am happy with it. AS LONG AS I get my 2 nights. And when they were younger it was 3 or 4 or LOL - cannot imagine it anymore but 5 nights a week. So I am totally flexible about when we connect as long as we do. 

- We talk - really talk and touch a lot every day. There are no activities with the kids which prevent that. So if she tells me that she is planning to do a mommy/daughter day on a Saturday and gets home at 9 PM - we hang out talk/touch from then until we sleep. Is that putting my daughter ahead of me - I don't know - don't care. I love it when they spend time together. 

- My son asked to watch a movie with us Saturday night - it was late - so sex didn't happen that night. Sucked to be me. So what. He asked her - and without consulting me she said ok. Which was the right thing to do since he rarely wants to watch movies with us. She put him first at that moment. She and I connected the next night. It was great. If she did that 7 nights in a row - well LOL - she would NOT. Because that isn't putting him first, it is putting me last. BIG difference. 

If it becomes a matter of - I am too busy with the kids to show husband love, attention and yes sex more then two times a year then I don't think that is a kid problem at all. That is a mommy using kids as an excuse to avoid husband. That is common, dishonest and cruel - IMO. And men sometimes do it to their wives when their desire level crashes and they don't want to address it. 





brighterlight said:


> Dobo - again that was an excellent reply.
> 
> Mem - My W was ignoring me - for the priority of the kids. I gathered from the original poster (cone) that he was getting the same treatment as I was.
> 
> ...


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I try to back my husband up for the most part. If he's also being a child (which he acknowledges he can be) then I get exasperated with all of them. So we're certainly not perfect at home. But I don't ignore him ever for the sake of the kids. We have our together-as-a-family time, our individual time with the kids 1:1 or 1:many, and our time alone. It is kind of funny because in the evenings when one of the kids decides to hang around mom and dad, we're both antsy... like, "can't you go away? We want to cuddle on the couch." We never say it, but we are both thinking it. I think just that knowledge that we want to be alone together helps us so much.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

cone said:


> The reason I am very understanding with her is that she has never ever been able to depend on or trust a man before me, maybe thats most of what it is.


There may be something to this...As a single mom, I learned I could not count on anyone and that my kids needed to be able to rely on me. It's hard to re-marry and have that feeling disappear.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Then why remarry? Realizing the mistakes of my first marriage, it was so clear that I needed to put my new husband first... Again, if I didn't learn from my first marriage and I couldn't trust the new guy, then why get remarried??

If she has unresolved issues, Cone, she should address them properly, not continue to carry on with business as usual while she's on your nickel.


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