# Married too quickly....



## Jk88 (Jun 1, 2014)

Ok so here is my situation...my husband and I got married after almost 4 months of knowing each other. At that time I was extremely head over heals for him. He was living here in Canada on a work permit for 6 months. I was well aware of this from when I first met him.
After three months of dating...we got a bit more serious and I was falling in love with him. I really saw us being together forever and I couldn't imagine seeing myself with anyone else. 
At this point I started thinking about him having to leave and going back home. And back home was in Europe. So it wasn't a quick flight to go see him whenever I wanted. 
It came to the point where I thought ok it's either we end this relationship now because the more time we spend together the harder it will be for him to leave or we get married. 
Now before everyone jumps to conclusions I want to make this very clear it was Me who brought up the idea of marriage to him. Nor did he ever once ask me. 
We got married one month later. I moved in with him and our life as newlyweds began. 
We fought all the the time and we both were extremely miserable. 
But everyone told us to just stick it out and that the first year is always hard. So that's what we did. A year and a half later we decided to have the big European wedding we never had. His parents came and stayed with us in our new home before the wedding. This was my first time meeting them and they did not speak English. You can imagine how fun that was. 
Now we are almost two years married and I am not completely happy. And he has told me the same as we'll in many occasions. 
I think back and wish we had the chance to date longer and really got to know one another. I wish we didn't rush into marriage. 
We are two completely different people. We don't like doing any of the same things together. I always compromise for him on things he may like doing and I don't but he never does the same in return. 
I work in an extremely stressful fast passed work environment in the health care field. I work all different shifts and 6-7 days a week. When I come home he still expects me to have a hot homemade dinner on the table, house cleaned, laundry done, his lunch made for work each day, etc. He does not lift a finger in our home because he believes it is the women's job. This is where majority of our fights come form. 
I was not raised this way so I see things differently.
On weekends he wants to sit in the home and stay on his computer. He never wants to go out. 
He yells at me in public and tells me what to do...so I have stopped going out with him. 
I've tried addressing these problems many times...he agrees at the time but never changes his ways. 
I love him but I am not in love with him. 
He usually ignores me and I feel only comes to me when he wants...u know......
I am no longer sexually attracted him. 
He is very selfish and only thinks about him..he never includes me. He has no motivation in life to do better...no goals. 
I don't see myself having kids with him. I even had a really hard time with even taking his last name. 
I know all these feelings are not right. And I'm sure you should not be feeling like this. 
We are both 25 and I feel like it maybe better to get out now before kids and before wasting more unhappy time together. 
I think the one reason why I keep telling myself to stay is because you always believe and hope that maybe thighs could change. also I have the type of European parents who do not believe in divorce and in the past I tried telling them that I was not happy in my marriage they told me to not embarrasses them because of the big wedding we had. 
I'm confused, stuck and need help!!!


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

If you don't want a divorce, you can try marriage counseling.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You did not mention him having a job. Does he work? If so how many hours a day?

You have two choices here that make any sense at all.

1) Sit him down and tell him: “I’m extremely unhappy with our marriage the way it is. I would like for you to go to marriage counseling with me so that we can work on fixing our marriage. I will not stay is this marriage the way it is.”
Now if you tell him this then you have to be ready to file for divorce if he blows you off. I mean file for divorce the next day. He has to know that you are serious. This kind of talk is often a wakeup call for a person like him. 

2) Just file for divorce. He’s too immature and self-centered for marriage at this time in his life. You have no idea if he will ever grow up. The chances of him ever growing up while married to you are extremely slim as you are letting him slide on all his bad behaviors.

And.. Who cares what his selfish parents thing. Sounds like the fruit did not fall far from the tree.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

I was in a relationship with a man like this. I worked longer hours, but he still expected a huge dinner, etc as soon as I got in the door. I'm a great cleaner, but he always complained I didn't do enough. I'm so glad our relationship didn't last. I was exhausted and I can only imagine how miserable I would be now. 

My advice is to divorce while you are young and don't have children. Forget what the parents want; they aren't the ones who are miserable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jk88 (Jun 1, 2014)

Yes he works 5 days a week and about 12-13 hours a day
I have told him many times that I am not happy and he never seems to care...shows no interest in how I feel. 
He has told me he is not willing to change and he is who he is. But trust me if he was this way when we first meet I would not have married him. He was completely different before.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I have to ask: is there someone else right now? That you have been talking to/seeing/crushing on?

Nonetheless: Seems like you got married too fast. If you are both unhappy, get a divorce.


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## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

What caused him to change? 

The saying is that when men get married they don't want their wives to change, but when women get married, they want their husbands to change. 

The stuff you say about yelling at you in public, about wanting you to clean and play house more, you are saying that in the first six months he never did this? When did it start, after you guys got married? 

I also had baggage in my first marriage from the way my parents were, and also said the same crap to my ex-wife. I was wrong, and that marriage ended. In my case, I am only bitter because my ex cheated on me and that is not fair- she should have just ended it rather than trying to have her cake and eat it too. 

If you want to try to make it work, do marriage counseling. If not, tell him its over and end it before you start anything else. Good luck.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

You made a mistake, you both married the wrong people because you didn't really know each other.

Personally, I'd pack up, move along. You aren't in love with him, he doesn't treat you well, you don't have kids together, what's keeping you there?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Jk88 said:


> also I have the type of European parents who do not believe in divorce and in the past I tried telling them that I was not happy in my marriage *they told me to not embarrasses them* because of the big wedding we had.
> I'm confused, stuck and need help!!!


Too bad for them. This is YOUR life, not THEIRS. A wedding that was a mistake is a moment in time. A marriage is a lifetime.

Do you really want to stay in an unhappy situation for the rest of your life (at the very least, many more years) just because your parents won't like it?


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## tpwmz88 (Jun 10, 2014)

It does not sound as if your happy right now..I would advise to seriously consider divorce...the silver lining here is if you divorce he might run back to Europe where you will likely never see him again. I did a similar thing but the roles reversed, my wife was from the states, myself UK, both of us were 24 when we divorced last year, we don't have kids and I was disappointed at the time of course , but wounds heal.. Its just difficult to admit you may have made a mistake and divorce is such an ugly word to associate yourself with but we live and learn. You work hard...you deserve to be happy.  good luck


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Divorce or put your foot down and get his lazy behind to help out. If he won't change (that knuckle dragging man sits around and wife does all the housework crap) then kick his behind out and file for divorce and send him back to Europe to find a nice woman in a cave for him to drag out of.


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## Jk88 (Jun 1, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> I have to ask: is there someone else right now? That you have been talking to/seeing/crushing on?
> 
> Nonetheless: Seems like you got married too fast. If you are both unhappy, get a divorce.


No, there is no one else. I am simply just unhappy....


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## Jk88 (Jun 1, 2014)

devotion said:


> What caused him to change?
> 
> 
> The stuff you say about yelling at you in public, about wanting you to clean and play house more, you are saying that in the first six months he never did this? When did it start, after you guys got married?
> ...


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## Jk88 (Jun 1, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> You made a mistake, you both married the wrong people because you didn't really know each other.
> 
> Personally, I'd pack up, move along. You aren't in love with him, he doesn't treat you well, you don't have kids together, what's keeping you there?


Your 100 percent right. And I think to myself why not just leave? Because I am afraid to feel like a failure...that i wasn't able to make things work. 

But then I also think to myself...what a stupid reason to stay. Why stay and be miserable? 

We really didn't know each other that well before getting married. I feel like now I am starting to see who he really is and it scares me.


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## Jk88 (Jun 1, 2014)

tpwmz88 said:


> It does not sound as if your happy right now..I would advise to seriously consider divorce...the silver lining here is if you divorce he might run back to Europe where you will likely never see him again. I did a similar thing but the roles reversed, my wife was from the states, myself UK, both of us were 24 when we divorced last year, we don't have kids and I was disappointed at the time of course , but wounds heal.. Its just difficult to admit you may have made a mistake and divorce is such an ugly word to associate yourself with but we live and learn. You work hard...you deserve to be happy.  good luck


Your right divorce is an ugly word...a word that I am scared of as well. But with no kids involved and us still being young (25) it's better to do this now and both move along. 

I am pretty sure he will go back to Europe...but I also think it would be for the better. I sometimes think he's miserable because he misses life and everyone there.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Was there any romance? He didn't propose?

Seems like he wasn't invested...I dunno.

Sucks to be in that situation. It's such a hard decision to just rip that bandaid off. I'm in the process right now.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I was kind of like how you describe your husband except I've always totally loved my wife and told her so regularly, even when I was mad. I also expected my wife to cook even though we had the same job, and she did most of the housework and took care of the kids. I never listened closely enough or took her seriously when she'd tell me something. I slowly got better and better but until she recently told me she did not love me anymore and I could see she meant it, I did not change enough to make her happy. She developed an internet sex addiction which actually started all the "no feelings" thing (sexting/pic exchange), but swears her initial unhappiness was caused by me. The fear of losing her I can swear made me see ALL my faults and I can Assure you I wanted to make a permanent change. The infidelity and resulting loss of feelings for me has ruined any hope of our reconciliation, but had it not been for that I believe we could have had a lasting and happier marriage than ever. Give your husband a chance by telling him your feelings and leaving for a couple of days. If he really loves you I bet he sees the error of his ways. He is not perfect, but if he is a good person at heart he will try to make you happy if you tell him how.


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## Jk88 (Jun 1, 2014)

that_girl said:


> Was there any romance? He didn't propose?
> 
> Seems like he wasn't invested...I dunno.
> 
> Sucks to be in that situation. It's such a hard decision to just rip that bandaid off. I'm in the process right now.


No romance...and he did not purpose. Our situation was a bit different I guess I could say..and we kind of agreed to get married. But at the time it was right and both wanted it.


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## Jk88 (Jun 1, 2014)

Evinrude58 said:


> Give your husband a chance by telling him your feelings and leaving for a couple of days. If he really loves you I bet he sees the error of his ways. He is not perfect, but if he is a good person at heart he will try to make you happy if you tell him how.


Today I was at that point where I couldn't even stand being in the same house with him...too much negative energy and what's the point if he stays in one part of the home and I stay in another. I packed a small bag and decided to come to my parent's where it is peaceful and stay here for a few days. 

We have talked so many times about our situation..he simply does not change. I really believe that he doesn't think that I will ever leave him....


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

The problem with leaving for a while and them realizing their errors, blah blah, is that they can pretend to change and woo you back...and then slowly, the process of the spiral begins and you're back to where you are now just a few months later.

Been there, done that.

If you want real change, and you've talked to him numerous times and he's not getting it, then separate. He knows what he needs to do and if he wants you back, he will DO THOSE THINGS and show you he has done them and living with them and it's habit for him now BEFORE COMING HOME.

Seriously...that's the only way, or the cycle repeats.
I've repeated the cycle 3 times now. This was my last time and we're at the end.


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