# Wife doesn't want to try anymore.



## 71bgol

My wife had a talk with me the other day. She told me she is not sure she loves me anymore and thinks she wants to separate. She says our 5 years of marriage has worn on her. She says i'm not emotional enough for her and don't show her enough attention and affection like I did when we were dating. She feels like I always reject her in public when she trys to kiss me or hold hands. Ive told her im not a PDA person and it makes me uncomfortable. We have to young children, and she doesn't work.

I apologized for not paying enough attention to her and promised I would be better and told her I was actually thinking I wanted to spice up our marriage a little more. It seemed to fall onto def ears. 

So the plan is to sell the house in 4 months and go our separate ways(as much as we can) I told her Id like to try in those four months to turn our marriage around, she said ok. Then, the next day she text me while I was at work and said she changed her mind, she doesn't believe I will change and we will be right back to square one again. So basically she wants to just be roomates til she finds a job and we sell.

She has talked me before about these issues. I guess I didn't take her seriously enough. I don't want a divorce and am at a loss. I feel like she is being selfish in a way and is going to blow up our family to see if the grass is greener somewhere else..


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## tom67

I don't know it sounds like she is reaching for an excuse meaning another man in the mix.
But if she is set to walk away do the 180 and focus on yourself.
If she sees you happy with yourself and moving on she might snap out of this.
There will be others way smarter than me that will help you.
If you could give a general timeline when her attitude changed.


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## Tobyboy

I give this 90% chance that's there another man. 80% that's it's an old BF she reconnected with through Facebook. 

There is hope you can turn this around, but your going to have do some digging to see if there's a third party involved first. Do not ask her, just verify on your own. Start with the phone bill, look for an unusual amount of call and texts to a certain number. Also check her social media accounts and emails.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear

While I think it's worth trying to make sure there's no other man, it's very possible your wife is telling you the truth. Work on yourself for the time you have, and let her see you're making changes for your own sake. Show her through your actions that you're trying to live the changes, not jus talk about them. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Keenwa

I was this person 6 months ago. What made me "try" was the counsellor telling me "you can't work on relationship from the outside of one, so if you are willing to make an effort, and it doesn't mean you'll stay together, but to work on the issues at hand, if and when you walk away, you won't walk right back into the same relationship, ie same guy in a different body". 

It has been very useful to "stick it out", though we still don't know if we want to stay together, (well I don't anyhow), we are communicating way better than we ever have and I have earned a new level of respect for him. Doesn't mean I'm back in love with him but it means that we are working it out like adults (in my opinion).

My ultimatum to him however was that he go for personal counselling with a therapist and I would too, AND we do MC.


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## the guy

Before you start working on being a better husband or working on your self by emotionally distancing your self even more then you. You have to know which direction to take...even before counseling.

See if she is cheating..you being the best husband (or MC)won't work cuz you already have been replaced and you can't compete with new love.

But if she is in fact being honest and you are in fact not competing with a new man then working on your self to be a better husband (and MC) in the hopes of yeilding some reward.

Alls I'm saying is time after time guys beg and plead and try to be the best husband in the world only to find out that no matter what they do they have already been replace and in reality there "best husdand" tactic just pushes the wayward wife further towards the OM(other man).

So please investigate whats really going on and do the snopping to find the facts that what ever tactic you choose is best in saving the marriage.

I pray that there is no other man and your attack on being a better husband pay off.

But to be honest...I have been here way to long and have read way to many post just like yours were the husband spends months being a more attentive husband only to be played the fool for not investigating the reason his wife wants to leave the seacurity and stablity of the family unit.

Something very strong is influencing your wife to break up this family unit so please go James Bond on your old lady and fight for this marriage with real facts, not with what your old lady is telling you.


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## the guy

5 years seems kind of short for a WAW.

Someone is influencing her...even if its not OM.... investigate and see if its a TF(toxic friend=an enemy of the marriage).

Please investigate, knowledge is power, you need to know what exactly you are up against before you choose on how to fight this.

I'm all for MC and IC but if there is a 3rd party infecting the marriage all the work being done in MC in the afternoon is constantly infected by this 3rd person at night.


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## tom67

the guy said:


> 5 years seems kind of short for a WAW.
> 
> Someone is influencing her...even if its not OM.... investigate and see if its a TF(toxic friend=an enemy of the marriage).
> 
> Please investigate, knowledge is power, you need to know what exactly you are up against before you choose on how to fight this.
> 
> I'm all for MC and IC but if there is a 3rd party infecting the marriage all the work being done in MC in the afternoon is constantly infected by this 3rd person at night.


:iagree:
Whether or not there is someone else if she has checked out focus on you and do the 180.
No begging or looking needy.


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## Fordsvt

I agree with the Guy. You need to look at this from all angles here. Why all of a sudden is she walking away? You need to dig deeper here and find the truth. She is not giving that to you at all. The 180 works for me and still is. Focus on yourself and go dark on her while you look for clues.


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## Daisy2714

71bgol said:


> My wife had a talk with me the other day. She told me she is not sure she loves me anymore and thinks she wants to separate. She says our 5 years of marriage has worn on her. She says i'm not emotional enough for her and don't show her enough attention and affection like I did when we were dating. She feels like I always reject her in public when she trys to kiss me or hold hands. Ive told her im not a PDA person and it makes me uncomfortable. We have to young children, and she doesn't work.
> 
> I apologized for not paying enough attention to her and promised I would be better and told her I was actually thinking I wanted to spice up our marriage a little more. It seemed to fall onto def ears.
> 
> So the plan is to sell the house in 4 months and go our separate ways(as much as we can) I told her Id like to try in those four months to turn our marriage around, she said ok. Then, the next day she text me while I was at work and said she changed her mind, she doesn't believe I will change and we will be right back to square one again. So basically she wants to just be roomates til she finds a job and we sell.
> 
> She has talked me before about these issues. I guess I didn't take her seriously enough. I don't want a divorce and am at a loss. I feel like she is being selfish in a way and is going to blow up our family to see if the grass is greener somewhere else..


Hello,

I'm in your wife's shoes. I'm going to go against the grain here and suggest to you that your wife has been honest with you and is not cheating as several others here suspect. It's important that you decided what you want to believe regarding this because your belief about this issue will dominate how you choose to proceed.

I'm going to put two options in front of you. 

If you begin to act on suspicion and start checking up on her (phone records, emails, etc), then you will also begin to doubt everything she tells you. As your mind tries to grasp for meaning behind this, you will naturally gravitate toward explanations that are not your fault. Thus, it will be even easier to be suspicious. 

The problem with this road is that your heart becomes hardened to her and you pretty much solidify her decision to leave. 

Let's assume you travel this path and find nothing. She will still leave you because you have been focusing on finding blame rather than focusing on listening to her needs, admitting your failures, and attempting to reconcile.

Let's now assume you travel this path and find that indeed, she is having an affair. Let me ask you; what have you accomplished besides causing yourself anguish? If she is having an affair, will you really want to reconcile at that point? If she is having an affair, your marriage is over.

In both of the above scenarios you still end up apart. 

Now suppose you make the decision to believe she has been honest with you. You have four months to work on yourself. You cannot change how she "feels" day to day and you shouldn't focus on whether or not she says she doesn't want to try anymore. If you just focus on LISTENING to her needs, and focus on becoming a better you, then at the end of that four months, your actions will speak to her heart and she will either stay with you, or leave. It really depends on whether or not she sees by your actions that there is any hope. 

Her behavior is out of your control. What is in your control is becoming a better you. I'm not suggesting that all the problems you are having are entirely your fault. There are always two sides to a story in every relationship and very seldom is one person entirely innocent or entirely guilty. 

I want to point out something you said in your post. 

She has talked me before about these issues. I guess I didn't take her seriously enough.

I can tell you that with that statement, she has just given up. She's tried too many times to convey her needs to you and you have ignored them. If you want any chance to save your marriage, it's time to change that.

I feel like she is being selfish in a way and is going to blow up our family to see if the grass is greener somewhere else.

This statement is a huge red flag to me that you are still not ready to accept your part in the demise of you marriage. She is not the one being selfish. From her perspective, she has been trying for years to get your attention and you have been too selfish to even hold her hand in public. That is a rejection to her womanhood. 

I've been begging for scraps of my husbands attention for most of 23 years. Your wife is giving up much sooner (as she should). No one should spend 23 years begging to be loved. 

One last bit of advice. So many times here people suggest doing the 180 to save your marriage. Not sure if you are familiar with that but if I understand correctly, it's basically becoming more alpha, withholding affection, focusing on yourself and being careful not to beg her to stay. 

While I am going to agree that you should definitely not show her you are desperate, and you should certainly not beg her to stay or even to meet you halfway, I think that if you withhold affection and become a stern alpha male, you will only re-enforce to her that you don't understand what she needs and the marriage is over.

She has made it clear that affection is a big deal to her. I don't know what the other issues are in your marriage but you need to find out and address them. 

I suggest that you ask her out on a date. Wait for the right moment and be clear that you have no expectations and you are not looking for promises. You simply want to take her out. Handle everything. Make babysitting arrangements, make the decision about where your are going and what you will do. PLEASE do not take her to a movie. There is no interaction in a movie theater unless you are in the back row at 15 years old. Then just enjoy your time together. At the end of the evening, thank her. Do not try to kiss her unless you sense that she wants you to. 

Make a point of asking her out again for a more casual meeting within the next week. Say... something like lunch together. During that second date, apologize for neglecting her. Be honest. Explain that your intentions are to show her that you have finally heard her and will be attempting to show her with your actions over the next four months that you love her. 

Make it clear that you do not have any expectations of her helping you in this effort and that you are okay with that. Make it clear that you will also be doing things to get yourself prepared in the event that at the end of four months she does leave. Make it clear that you will allow her to go without any drama. Also, ask her for permission to date her. If she says no, respect that. Do not get angry. Do not ask why. Do not beg. Give her space.

One more thing. 

She says i'm not emotional enough for her and don't show her enough attention and affection like I did when we were dating. She feels like I always reject her in public when she trys to kiss me or hold hands. Ive told her im not a PDA person and it makes me uncomfortable.

This is your wife's primary love language. If you are unable to speak love to her in this way, you will not make it. 

I'm only asking this rhetorically, but have you ever asked your wife to do something for you that perhaps she wasn't completely comfortable with? Anything at all? Did she do it? Sometimes, saying I love you is all about getting out of your comfort zone for the sake of your spouse. 

I know this has been a long post and I hope it hasn't come across as being judemental in any way. I'm not standing in judgement. I'm posting because your situation resonates with me and I hope I can give you some practical advice to save your marriage. 

Regardless of the fact that she says she doesn't want to try, there's no reason why you can't try. Her feelings will change from day to day. Read my threads and you will see that is true. 

When I came on here, I didn't want to try either. There are still days that I don't but there are more days that I do. This is your time to prove to her that you love her. From her perspective, she has already proven it to you and is tired of trying. Respect that. Do what you can and let go of expectations. 

Best regards,
Daisy


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## oscuranotte

Women need to know they are loved and admired by their men. Maybe you should try and step out of your box a bit. Take her by surprise by a date; remind her of the good times. But also, if you have trouble showing affection, maybe it's time for you to try and work on yourself a bit. Guys seldom think there's a problem whereas women always think there's a problem. I guess it's just how we are different. But she'll never believe because she tried to reach out to you already. Actions are bigger than words, at this point.


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## lifeistooshort

So you can't be bothered to meet your wife half way and even hold her freaking hand once in a while because it's important to her and she's selfish? And saying you want to spice up your marriage means sex, it has nothing to do with the affection she's craving. If anything it conveys that the only affection you wish to give is sex, which will drive her away. You've basically told her that you are who you are and regardless of what she thinks she can deal with it. She's chosen not to deal with it. .I bet that even if there another man this is why.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## oscuranotte

lifeistooshort said:


> So you can't be bothered to meet your wife half way and even hold her freaking hand once in a while because it's important to her and she's selfish? And saying you want to spice up your marriage means sex, it has nothing to do with the affection she's craving.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Extremely good points.


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## 71bgol

By spice up I didn't mean sex really, take it easy.

I also believe there is a toxic friend. She has been talking with one of her friends a lot. She said she was ok with trying then she went to this friends house for a couple hours to talk and changed her mind. She even said her friend said we probably aren't good for each other. Her husband is a super emotional guy. So she keeps telling me he does this and that for her and he always agrees with her etc.

I really believe there is something triggering this. She even admitted I had been getting a little better before the talk. I just can't see when she would have time to cheat. I think it might just be the friend. I actually liked this girl and her husband, now I get frustrated when the hang out. I don't say anything tho. 

Right now she is really stand offish. She doesn't attempt to hug or kiss me, but will take them. She is also planning a bday party for my mom, which kinda confuses me, and wants me to go to Christmas at her families.

She told me during the talk she almost wants me to go date other women, just not sleep with them. She thinks I will find that I don't really love her. I kinda didn't know how to take this, maybe a red flag. I told her I wasn't interested.


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## Tobyboy

71bgol said:


> She told me during the talk she almost wants me to go date other women, just not sleep with them. She thinks I will find that I don't really love her. I kinda didn't know how to take this, maybe a red flag. I told her I wasn't interested.


That's a very big red flag!!!! You better start snooping and learn the truth. 
IMO, she's already dating...hell it could even be the toxic friend husband!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk

You should date, so that she doesn't feel guilty about being the only one having fun

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Fordsvt

lifeistooshort said:


> So you can't be bothered to meet your wife half way and even hold her freaking hand once in a while because it's important to her and she's selfish? And saying you want to spice up your marriage means sex, it has nothing to do with the affection she's craving. If anything it conveys that the only affection you wish to give is sex, which will drive her away. You've basically told her that you are who you are and regardless of what she thinks she can deal with it. She's chosen not to deal with it. .I bet that even if there another man this is why.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes that would be a good reason. It seems like both of you have checked out. Do you even want to save this? I don't understand the logic here at all. Now she's dating and your on the side lines? Why are you not open to changing yourself to see if your situation can change. It can also change who you are for the better for the rest of your life....


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## 71bgol

i I never said she was dating. if i knew for a fact she was seeing someone else i would file myself. she tries to convince me that I dont really love her bedause of how ive acted over our marriage. She thinks if I dated someone else id realize that.

I just dont see how she would be cheating. She is with our two young children 24/7. Only thing I could think of is someone at the gym. She swears up and down she isnt talking to or seeing anyone. 

I AM taking this oppurtunity to better myself as a person and husband. I am going to dig a little to see if there is someone else tho.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dyokemm

Yes...I think it would be wise to investigate.

Check the phone records and her computer use, especially Facebook.

If you know what room she typically talks on the phone with her friend in, you can try placing a VAR to see what they are talking about.

If there is a POSOM, you can bet dollars to donuts that this friend knows all the details and they talk about her situation endlessly.


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## Fordsvt

Tobyboy said:


> That's a very big red flag!!!! You better start snooping and learn the truth.
> IMO, she's already dating...hell it could even be the toxic friend husband!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Holy Crap-she want you to date other women???
Unreal-do you have an update?


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## Anon Pink

71bgol said:


> My wife had a talk with me the other day. She told me she is not sure she loves me anymore and thinks she wants to separate. She says our 5 years of marriage has worn on her. She says i'm not emotional enough for her and don't show her enough attention and affection like I did when we were dating. She feels like I always reject her in public when she trys to kiss me or hold hands. Ive told her im not a PDA person and it makes me uncomfortable. We have to young children, and she doesn't work.
> 
> I apologized for not paying enough attention to her and promised I would be better and told her I was actually thinking I wanted to spice up our marriage a little more. It seemed to fall onto def ears.
> 
> So the plan is to sell the house in 4 months and go our separate ways(as much as we can) I told her Id like to try in those four months to turn our marriage around, she said ok. Then, the next day she text me while I was at work and said she changed her mind, she doesn't believe I will change and we will be right back to square one again. So basically she wants to just be roomates til she finds a job and we sell.
> 
> She has talked me before about these issues. I guess I didn't take her seriously enough. I don't want a divorce and am at a loss. I feel like she is being selfish in a way and is going to blow up our family to see if the grass is greener somewhere else..



Honey? Is that you? Kidding, but my H could have written this because those are my exact complaints plus a few others.

What is wrong with being affectionate to your wife in front of the kids? 

What is wrong with showing her your love for her through words, like I love you, through actions like affection, through deeds like dancing in the kitchen with her while you wait for the water to boil for Mac and cheese?

How much alone time do you and your wife get each day? How often do you two go out on dates? How often do you give her sincerely compliments? 

She takes care of other people's needs for love, affection, sympathy, attention, TLC...but (if you're like my H used to be) you rarely show her the same kind of TLC she gives out each and every damn damn of the year.

You can save this marriage, but you have to get rid of that stick up your ass and romance your wife. You have to show your kids what a good husband looks like, not just what a good father looks like.

Go to Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice and print out two Emotional Needs Questionnaires, one for each of you. THAT will be your game plan for what YOU need to do to meet her needs and have her fall in love with you all over again.

Yes, it's possible!


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## unbe

dude I am at the tail end of this story, I went through the 'changes' it wont matter

there is another guy...period.

you should do the 180 but not to save your marriage, its to save you!

I wasted 8 months playing this game...learn from my mistake!


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## 71bgol

so we talked some more today. She admitted that she has been talking to a guy at the gym a lot. she works out with him twice a week. she told me about two month ago that she was gonna workout with this dude once or twice a week, and if i was ok with it. she knew him from high school. she says he actually talks to her and listens and tries to understand how she feels. she swears up and down she has no feelings for him, but it made her realize she cant confide in me and we dont communicate well. more like re-affirmed her feelings of how our marriage has been. she said she understands if im angry about it and that it sounds bad, but is nothing, they dont even have each others numbers. 

i really dont know what to think, cant decide if i should tell her to f off, or try. i dont want to be played for a fool.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honcho

So in fact she has met someone who has caught her fancy. She is chasing the grass is greener somewhere else. Whether it’s a PA or just an EA or they are just gym buddies. She is having at least an EA in my opinion. He sees her for an hour or two twice a week, he listens, he understands her etc. She can harp all she wants about not having feelings for him but she is at least getting ready to have feelings. And according to your post just a few days ago she was swearing she wasn’t talking to anyone.

You need to work on your issues and you know that. She needs to start seeing some real improvement and that takes time. But she has checked out. She wants a divorce and she is trickle truthing you. You said you planned on selling the house in 4 months then going your separate ways. Maybe you should really start to consider creating a faster plan, make this more real. I get the feeling that you are the deer in the headlights…..the semi is coming. You need to choose if you want to fight to save or move to divorce.


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## Anon Pink

71bgol said:


> so we talked some more today. She admitted that she has been talking to a guy at the gym a lot. she works out with him twice a week. she told me about two month ago that she was gonna workout with this dude once or twice a week, and if i was ok with it. she knew him from high school. she says he actually talks to her and listens and tries to understand how she feels. she swears up and down she has no feelings for him, but it made her realize she cant confide in me and we dont communicate well. more like re-affirmed her feelings of how our marriage has been. she said she understands if im angry about it and that it sounds bad, but is nothing, they dont even have each others numbers.
> 
> i really dont know what to think, cant decide if i should tell her to f off, or try. i dont want to be played for a fool.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Enter the "she's cheating" hysterics!

Look, you've been emotionally distant, aloof, cold and she doesn't feel like you are able to hear what she has to say.

If you want your marriage to work, YOU have to find a way to be emotionally connected to her. If, however, you pursue the cheating and tell her to F off, you may as well just start divorcing now.


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## Cubby

Anon Pink said:


> Enter the "she's cheating" hysterics!
> 
> Look, you've been emotionally distant, aloof, cold and she doesn't feel like you are able to hear what she has to say.
> 
> If you want your marriage to work, YOU have to find a way to be emotionally connected to her. If, however, you pursue the cheating and tell her to F off, you may as well just start divorcing now.


If he wants his marriage to work, it's going to be impossible to emotionally connect with her if she's emotionally connecting with her workout boyfriend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Keepin-my-head-up

Anon Pink said:


> Enter the "she's cheating" hysterics!
> 
> Look, you've been emotionally distant, aloof, cold and she doesn't feel like you are able to hear what she has to say.
> 
> If you want your marriage to work, YOU have to find a way to be emotionally connected to her. If, however, you pursue the cheating and tell her to F off, you may as well just start divorcing now.



And how did she come to realize this?
By working out with an old guy friend from high school?

Textbook play on how to pick up a married woman it seems doesn't it?

Not even saying she is cheating, but this doesn't seem like a red flag that should be dealt with?


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## 71bgol

How exactly do i deal with it? she is still being wishy washy if she wants to try. Ive asked her twice if this is really what she wants(seperating) both times she said shes unsure, one time she cried. Sometimes she is receptive to me other times not. She will not have sex. She says she feels like we would be moving backward. Its hard cause im really physically attracted to her. I just failed to let her know that enough..

I hate the fact she holds all the power right now, its driving me crazy
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

Take the power away. File for divorce and implement the 180.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort

Why would she want to have sex with someone who's completely emotionally unavailable? Go ahead and tell her to f!ck off and treat your next woman the same way, see how that works for you.
Have you admitted to your wife that you've been aloof and unavailable and you'd like to change that? That's why she's on the fence, she doesn't want more of the same. If you're going to dig your heels in regarding your own attitude just file now and get it over with. Myex was very much like you describe yourself and eight years after our divorce I'm remarried and he's still single, because that attitude of unavailability unless he wants sex doesn't serve him well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wilderness

Join the gym and work out w your wife and new guy. Also file an emergency motion to have hour children returned to the marital home as your wife is clearly a horrible mother. I hope ur not giving this woman any money.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort

wilderness said:


> Join the gym and work out w your wife and new guy. Also file an emergency motion to have hour children returned to the marital home as your wife is clearly a horrible mother. I hope ur not giving this woman any money.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, he can't be bothered to hug their freaking mother in front of them and SHE'S a horrible parent. Rich.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 71bgol

where did this no affection in front of the kids come from?? I said in public. I have told her I was sorry for how id been, and I want to try and change. She admits its not all my fault either. She knows she can be overly emotional and it could have made me push away. I now understand where she is coming from, cause she is acting distant now and im trying. She is not a bad mother, im not saying confiding in some other guy is right, but i can umderstand where she is coming from
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy

Something tells me there is more to gym guy then whats she's telling you.

What made her confess to confiding in this gym guy?

Have you look for a burner phone?


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## 71bgol

No, but she guards her phone now. Ive also thought that maybe there was more to the gym guy. I have to decide weither to believe her ornot. I asked her if she was still working out with him. she said yes and they actually talk a lot about our marriage. She claims that he tells her that she shouldnt leave me unless she is 100 percent sure she wants out, and that she doesnt seem sure. Appearently hes been through a divorce. Then again hes part of the reason she wants to seperate, cause some guy at the gym has better communication then her husband does with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort

71bgol said:


> where did this no affection in front of the kids come from?? I said in public. I have told her I was sorry for how id been, and I want to try and change. She admits its not all my fault either. She knows she can be overly emotional and it could have made me push away. I now understand where she is coming from, cause she is acting distant now and im trying. She is not a bad mother, im not saying confiding in some other guy is right, but i can umderstand where she is coming from
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well with that attitude I think you can be worked with. it looks like you're willing to own your part, but do you think you can really change it? If so I would tell her that you can't change anything while there's another guy around so you're going to file and go on with your life. Do you really love your wife? I see where you've said you're really attracted to her but not where you love her. Forgive me if I've missed it....I suspect she thinks you don't love her with all the affection she was missing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink

Sorry, my mistake. You mentioned you're uncomfortable with affection like holding hands in public, then you say you have young children. I must have lumped the two together.

Okay, gym guy friend has to go. This you must be firm on 100%! No secret communication, no pass words, no nothing with gym guy. But this means YOU step up. Like wilderness said, (OMG I can't believe I agree with anything he says) join the gym and go with her! That was an excellent idea.

You and your wife have to agree that you work together to fix things, which means no more gym guy, no more secret communication, no passwords, you agree to work out together, spend 2 hours every day alone together, be more affectionate, more loving, get reconnected.

Or

File and move on.

No wish washy I can't decide crap. All in to work it out or start packing stuff. Dude you have to realize you pulled away and so did she.


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## mitzi

A women who is feeling ignored or her needs not being met will drift off elsewhere if she is getting attention from others. Not saying they would cheat for sure but I am saying that they will focus more on the one that is giving them what they want. What they are not realizing is that this person that is giving them the attention outside of their marriage is also a NEW thing and if they did hook up with them, they would soon find out that it was also getting stale after the newness wore off. I'm not sure if your wife is cheating on you but I do know for sure is that I have spoken to and talked until my face was blue to try and get my husband to realize that I need him to stop being so shy in the bedroom and start making the first moves. It's very disheartening for a women to feel like she always has to be the one to initiate things. It's very attracting and sexy for a women to feel that her husband wants and desires her.


----------



## the guy

Sorry until this gym guy is out of the picture this marriage is toast.

News flash....cheaters lie

Why in the hell do you think she hides her cell?
Why in the hell do you think she is working on replacing you?

If gym guy could commit to your wife she would be already be moved out.

You are trying to be such a great husband but like I said before, you can't compete with this infatuation/"love".

I think it tough love time and even though you weren;t the perfect husband it time for her to sh1t or get off the pot. She is either a cake eater or is play you until the time is right to leave.

This is an exit affair in the making.


----------



## the guy

I think its time to call her hand and with a smile on your face help start packing.

She will go to gym guy and tell him you want her out and then gym guy will see that she is his problem know and bail. But make no mistake he will tap your wife before he dumps her.

I bet the guy is still married!

Dude you need to stop listening to what your wife wants you to know and get going with your own detective work.

Hell this guy could be a pedophile at the very least you can find out who the mother of your kids is seeing. YOU NEED TO KNOW YOUR ENEMY!!!!!!


----------



## scatty

Why is she guarding her cell? What REALLY is going on with Mr. Perfect Gym Guy? Stay tuned....


----------



## 71bgol

The truth comes out! She finally admitted she has feelings for this guy. She wanted to be honest with me but she was scared id blow it up and tell everyone she was a *****. The guy is married. They decided today that the werent gonna talk anymore. She says she feels guilty about possibley having feelings for someone else. I told her I understand our marriage hasn't been the best and I havent been the best husband, but its still wrong and hurtful that she opened herself up. I told her that im no longer going to be the only one trying to saveour marriage. She has until tomorrow night when I get off work to decide if she wants to try and save our family. If I get a no or a wishy wash asnwer I'm filing asap. Im not gonna try at all unless I feel like shes 100% comitted. Even then Im not sure, I might just tell her no, I dont know if I can trust her again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Keepin-my-head-up

Sorry to hear that bro.


----------



## bandit.45

Sorry you're going through this. But you know, it takes two to tango, and she needs to fess up to her faults in the marriage too.

All of her complaints against you are mostly revisionist nonsense. She tells herself you are the bad guy so she feels better about her cheating. 

If she cant give you an answer, file for D and ask her to move out. 

Read through the threads in the CWI section. This affair your wife is having is NOTHING different than those. Same old script, same old story.


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## Tobyboy

Why are you giving your cheating wife so much power? 

This is what I would demand before I even consider R. 
1. Full transparency. 
2. STDs and pregnancy test. (chances are high this was also a PA)
3. No contact with her affair partner. 
4. IC for her. 

Regardless the above...the OMs wife needs to know what's going on in her marriage. You don't tell your wife or anyone your exposing....you just do it!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fordsvt

You are in a tough spot. Everyone is right. The OM needs to out of the picture. 
You also need to work on yourself so she becomes attracted to you once again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## unbe

please be careful, this is following a very similar pattern to what happened to me. mark my words, you will do all the changing, things will get better for a few months and then she will be back to him and youll feel like a fool

i hope im wrong....


----------



## Anon Pink

I don't disagree with other posts, I just want to point out that your wife became vulnerable to an emotional affair because you weren't meeting her needs. Every female poster on this thread has said the same thing and every male has completely dismissed that.

Own your crap! Work on yourself. Don't be a doormat. Insist on full effort on both your parts. But if you go into this with the mindset that she owes you for having stumbled into an emotional affair, you're going to lose her because you're not owning your crap too!


----------



## Cubby

Anon Pink said:


> I don't disagree with other posts, I just want to point out that your wife became vulnerable to an emotional affair because you weren't meeting her needs. Every female poster on this thread has said the same thing and every male has completely dismissed that.
> 
> Own your crap! Work on yourself. Don't be a doormat. Insist on full effort on both your parts. But if you go into this with the mindset that she owes you for having stumbled into an emotional affair, you're going to lose her because you're not owning your crap too!


Anon Pink, the OP has continually been "owning his crap." Up until post number 42, his wife never admitted to any wrongdoing. He's been thinking this whole time it's been his fault that his wife has disconnected for ignoring her needs, when the truth is she's completely focused on her married-man-boyfriend. 

And by the way, firm boundaries will go a long way toward preventing a spouse from "stumbling" into an emotional affair. So his "mindset" should include her getting a big education on boundaries.


----------



## Anon Pink

Cubby said:


> Anon Pink, the OP has continually been "owning his crap." Up until post number 42, his wife never admitted to any wrongdoing. *He's been thinking this whole time it's been his fault that his wife has disconnected for ignoring her needs, when the truth is she's completely focused on her married-man-boyfriend. *
> 
> And by the way, firm boundaries will go a long way toward preventing a spouse from "stumbling" into an emotional affair. So his "mindset" should include her getting a big education on boundaries.


Chicken or egg. Was she vulnerable because of his behavior or was OM's presence what clued her into the fact that her H wasn't meeting her needs? Does it really matter?

Yes, he has been owning his crap, slightly. I'd like to see more of that. I don't hold his wife blameless, please understand. There is enough blame here to go around.

What is positive is that they caught this early before irreparable harm could be done to their relationship. They stand on the precipice of turning this marriage from lack luster disconnect to powerful emotional intimacy and love. 

I see good things in his future!

That'll be 35 bucks please. Make check payable to Madame Pink!


----------



## wilderness

Anon Pink said:


> I don't disagree with other posts, I just want to point out that your wife became vulnerable to an emotional affair because you weren't meeting her needs. Every female poster on this thread has said the same thing and every male has completely dismissed that.
> 
> Own your crap! Work on yourself. Don't be a doormat. Insist on full effort on both your parts. But if you go into this with the mindset that she owes you for having stumbled into an emotional affair, you're going to lose her because you're not owning your crap too!


Whatever you do, don't listen to this post. It is nonsense. For some crazy reason, Anon Pink does not believe that women should be accountable for anything that they do- ever.


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## Cubby

Anon Pink said:


> Chicken or egg. Was she vulnerable because of his behavior or was OM's presence what clued her into the fact that her H wasn't meeting her needs? Does it really matter?


You only gave two reasons and BOTH ARE HIS FAULT. 

Can you think of a third reason? I can, and it's about his wife having poor boundaries and becoming closer to another man than a married woman should and becoming emotionally bonded with him, not necessarily because her husband is lacking, but because this new guy is just that, new and exciting. 

He made her giddy and intoxicated with "love," (brain chemicals) while Mr. Same Old, Same Old, in her eyes became boring by comparison. It's really hard to compete with "new."

This is a boundary issue, and the blame falls on his wife. If she had a problem with husband being emotionally "not there," take it up with counseling or to really get his attention, file for divorce. Getting inappropriately close to another man is wrong, period.


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## ThreeStrikes

"Chicken or egg"= her lack of integrity.

There is no excuse for cheating. If she wants to pursue other men and live like a single person, she should have filed for D.

Instead she became a cake-eater. Her hubby is working hard to support his family, whilst she goes to the gym and flirts with OM. And starts an affair. Then she blameshifts and puts the failure of the relationship on her husband!

Give me an effin break!

OP,

If your cheating, lying wife wants to stay married to you, it's up to her to do the heavy lifting.

1.) All contact with OM ends. This means she does work-out videos at home now.

2.) She writes a No-Contact letter to OM. You read and and mail it.

3.) Complete transparency. No passcoding her phone. No deleting texts.

4.) Marriage and individual counselling for both of you.

Personally, I'd dump her sorry @$$.

Good luck!


----------



## cdbaker

71bgol said:


> The truth comes out! She finally admitted she has feelings for this guy. She wanted to be honest with me but she was scared id blow it up and tell everyone she was a *****. The guy is married. They decided today that the werent gonna talk anymore. She says she feels guilty about possibley having feelings for someone else. I told her I understand our marriage hasn't been the best and I havent been the best husband, but its still wrong and hurtful that she opened herself up. I told her that im no longer going to be the only one trying to saveour marriage. She has until tomorrow night when I get off work to decide if she wants to try and save our family. If I get a no or a wishy wash asnwer I'm filing asap. Im not gonna try at all unless I feel like shes 100% comitted. Even then Im not sure, I might just tell her no, I dont know if I can trust her again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know it sucks right now, but truthfully it sounds like this could be WAY worse. You didn't mention what it was that made her fess up to the feelings, but it almost sounds like you were just asking her about it, not that you found some evidence and confronted/forced it out of her. Plus, you don't really have to believe her or not because she said that they aren't going to communicate anymore, which should be relatively easy for her to either prove that to you or be caught in a lie.

I know a lot of people would disagree with me, but I wouldn't be to harsh right now. It sounds like she caught herself on the verge of an Emotional Affair, or in a very mild EA. She seems to feel pretty bad about it and knows it was wrong. This returns some of the power to you. But if you are too harsh on her over this, you'll just push her right back to where she was before, extremely vulnerable to any other man who might come along with a few compliments.

I'd say that you need to be firm on the issue of no contact. No more seeing, communicating with, or being around this guy. Point out that you have noticed her being very protective of her phone, and combined with this news, she needs to assure you that there has been no illicit use of the phone and promise that you may ask to see it anytime. She really needs to switch to a different gym as well, because it's not fair for her to ask that you trust her now to still see him at the gym which is how this started in the first place. Also, you should ask for ANY saved communications they might have between each other, such as e-mails, texts, voicemails, etc., ask her to tell you what kind of illicit things they discussed, what they did or did not do together (did they only talk at the gym? Did they ever get together outside of the gym? Did they speak on the phone? Text? E-mail? Does anyone else know about this? etc.)

Aside from that, I think you responded well! It sounds like you indicated that you again acknowledged your faults in the matter, which I think it is good for her to know that you understand that while her maybe crossing a line with this guy was her responsibility, that you are also understanding of the fact that your faults in the marriage is what led her to being vulnerable in the first place. I think it would be good to make sure that she understands that you aren't just a bad husband who now is going to take advantage of her screw-up to blame everything on her and feel that it was all her fault all along. I think you have an opportunity to make clear that you are the FORMER bad husband who recognizes that his bad behavior played a role in her bad decision, and that as long as she is committed to putting in the effort to reestablishing your trust, then you will remain committed to proving to her that you can and will leave your old bad habits behind and be a great husband going forward. 

Otherwise I think you run the risk of basically undermining any tiny bit of progress you've made thus far and showing her that you'll never change by simply taking advantage of this situation by making her feel like everything is her fault.


----------



## Anon Pink

Cubby said:


> You only gave two reasons and BOTH ARE HIS FAULT.
> 
> Can you think of a third reason? I can, and it's about his wife having poor boundaries and becoming closer to another man than a married woman should and becoming emotionally bonded with him, not necessarily because her husband is lacking, but because this new guy is just that, new and exciting.
> 
> He made her giddy and intoxicated with "love," (brain chemicals) while Mr. Same Old, Same Old, in her eyes became boring by comparison. It's really hard to compete with "new."
> 
> This is a boundary issue, and the blame falls on his wife. If she had a problem with husband being emotionally "not there," take it up with counseling or to really get his attention, file for divorce. Getting inappropriately close to another man is wrong, period.


Sure, I can think of a Third, Fourth and Fifth reason. None of them as likely as the basic fact they started taking each other for granted and GYN guy gave her nice attention.

You men have to stop projecting! Jesus H Christ, not every woman is going to spread her legs just because Mr. Buff and New says "nice Tits lady!"

And it's NOT hard to compete with new. Not At ALL!!!!!! I've been married for 29 years and I gotta say if I NEVER stepped out after 29 years of essentially being ignored, never and I do mean NEVER getting a compliment, no affection unless I start it off, there are tons of women who also won't go down that road. 

Being flirty is NOT the same as stepping out. A passing friendship is NOT an EA. You guys are more hysterical than women are purported to be, sheeshe!

Wilderness, Back the F off! I am in no mood to deal with your sh!t today!


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## BrockLanders

Trickle truth....

Do you really believe you have the truth now? Do you know why she didn't want to have sex with you? It would be cheating on her boyfriend. Schedule a polygraph, she'll confess in the parking lot.


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## ThreeStrikes

Anon Pink said:


> Sure, I can think of a Third, Fourth and Fifth reason. None of them as likely as the basic fact they started taking each other for granted and GYN guy gave her nice attention.
> 
> You men have to stop projecting! Jesus H Christ, not every woman is going to spread her legs just because Mr. Buff and New says "nice Tits lady!"
> 
> And it's NOT hard to compete with new. Not At ALL!!!!!! I've been married for 29 years and I gotta say if I NEVER stepped out after 29 years of essentially being ignored, never and I do mean NEVER getting a compliment, no affection unless I start it off, there are tons of women who also won't go down that road.
> 
> Being flirty is NOT the same as stepping out. A passing friendship is NOT an EA. You guys are more hysterical than women are purported to be, sheeshe!
> 
> Wilderness, Back the F off! I am in no mood to deal with your sh!t today!


Anon, 

"Us men" could throw the "Stop projecting" crap right back at you.

Are you claiming that an EA is a "passing friendship"? She already has admitted to *having feelings*, and we all know this is trickle truth. Next we will hear how they left the gym early one day and made out. "Just kissed", of course.

She passcodes and guards her phone, which likely means sexting and pics.

Could we be wrong? Maybe, but I doubt it.


----------



## Cubby

Anon Pink said:


> Sure, I can think of a Third, Fourth and Fifth reason. None of them as likely as the basic fact they started taking each other for granted and GYN guy gave her nice attention.


.....and wifey, having poor boundaries, jumped into a relationship and before you know it was addicted to him emotionally. (and maybe physically)



> You men have to stop projecting! Jesus H Christ, not every woman is going to spread her legs just because Mr. Buff and New says "nice Tits lady!"


No, not all women, but it happens often enough that only a fool would rule it out in cases like this. In this case I don't know just how far she went with gym-boy. She might have spread her legs. That's unknown. 



> And it's NOT hard to compete with new. Not At ALL!!!!!! I've been married for 29 years and I gotta say if I NEVER stepped out after 29 years of essentially being ignored, never and I do mean NEVER getting a compliment, no affection unless I start it off, there are tons of women who also won't go down that road.


No the initial "in love-butterflies-rainbow" feelings when you first start dating someone are completely different that the feelings you get from someone you've been with for a long time. I like the longtime deep love I feel for my wife, but it's a completely different thing than that exciting new feeling. Some choose to act on those feelings, others don't.



> Being flirty is NOT the same as stepping out. A passing friendship is NOT an EA. You guys are more hysterical than women are purported to be, sheeshe!


Agree that being flirty is NOT the same as stepping out. Did anyone here say it is? But being flirty can lead to stepping out. Again, boundaries. And a passing friendship may not be an EA, but then again, it might be one. How many accounts of infidelity do you have to read to realize that being flirty and having close friends of the opposite sex can be like playing with fire?


----------



## cdbaker

Anon Pink, I like your point. Whether his poor "husbanding" left her vulnerable to Gym Guy's notice or Gym Guy's notice woke her up to her spouses poor "husbanding" is sort of irrelevant. He still need to step it up and can't use her crossed boundary as an excuse for the whole issue to be all her fault, as if she would be happy and the relationship would be great if she had just had better boundaries.

Cubby is also right that we do see situations like this so very often where a married woman is easily lured away when another guy at the right time and place is able to engage her into crossing boundaries that she probably would not have crossed had he not presented the opportunity. But as Anon points out, I imagine that in the vast majority of the time, this happens because there is already a problem in the marriage that has left her vulnerable to begin with. Meaning that problem, the vulnerability is what led to the weakened boundaries.

And I do agree with cubby's statement, "being flirty and having close friends of the opposite sex can be like playing with fire?" I think the best case scenario is when someone can know themselves well enough to set healthy boundaries. I have a good friend (who happens to be a pastor) who has a rule that he does not ride or drive in cars alone with women. He just prefers to avoid even the slightest possible temptation, and lives by this rule as a gift of sort to his wife, to show her that she can be assured of his commitment to her. She never demanded it, and he doesn't feel like it is WRONG for men and women who aren't married to be alone together, he doesn't feel like he has to live by that rule or is supposed to, he chooses to. I think it's pretty awesome really.


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## lifeistooshort

I agree with Anonpink. I wife in this position really can't win unless she sucks it up and takes the emotional neglect. This wife has probably talked to her hb about her needs before and he blew them off; it's only now that he's not getting sex that this is blowing up. I bet if she was here because her hb was talking to another woman and admitted she denied him sex everyone would rip her a new one. Emotional needs are not treated quite the same as sexual needs, yet emotional affairs are treated the same as physical affairs. If this wife had simply tired of her emotional needs not being met and left him everybody would be screaming she's having an affair anyway. Yet if a hb left because he wasn't getting sex nobody would automatically scream he's having an affair. Nice double standard. It's a fact that if you don't pay attention to your wife outside the bedroom she will be vulnerable to attention elsewhere. OP himself made a comment about not getting sex and how he never told her how attracted to her he was. Not how much he loved her or how much she meant to him, just how attracted to her he is. That's very telling about the dynamic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy

Now that you confirmed an infection in the marraige your current task is to confirm NC(No Contect) with a VAR (Voice Activated Recorder) and look for that burner phone.

This is an addiction and you have to confirm NC until this infection into the marriage is gone all the MC (marriage counseling) and "best husband: business will help.

Again tha OM has to be completely gone.

Has she canceled her gym member ship?

From here on out it all about her actions to save the marriage by validating and you confirming NC.

If not the infectio will not go away.

Real simble bro....as long as there is a third party involved you can't compete.

If you old lady can vaidate and you can confirm NC then you have a chance...the chances to save this will increase if you tell the OMS other mans wife.

So you would be a fool not to ask the OMW for her support in both marriages by exchanging intel and having two sets of eyes on this affair. 

Tell the OMW not only helps with comparing notes and watching out for the other AP (affair partner), but it also pulls the thinking/mind set that the "affair is the affair" and "the marriage is the marriage" to now my affair is with my marriage...see she has compartalmentalized this affair....exposing to OMW has now brought the two different life your wife has together.


So there or several reason to expose to OMW. The important thing is never tell your wife your doing this it will ruin the effectiveness of the exposure.

FIND AND TELL OMW RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!


sorry for yelling


----------



## the guy

Sure you neglegeted your wife, but this guy is going to do a lot worse...once he tags your wife....she will be dumbed.

Do what you can to save your wife from making a big mistake.

Expose to OMW and I bet this gym guy throws your wife under the bus to save his own @ss/marriage.


At the end of the day you can't nice your way out of this when the OM is still in the picture!


----------



## the guy

Just so you know, the script dictates this;

wife leaves for OM.

affair falls apart.

wife comes crawling back.

Granted I'm greatly generalizing but the only variable is the amount of time between these three points.


----------



## the guy

You do see that 4 pages ago your wife was blame shifting her feeling for OM.

Sure you neglegeted her but here we are going inot the 5th page of this thread and it is clear that there is now a huge degree of deceit on your old ladies part.

This is a perfect case for the 180 ...you will need to protect your emotional health while your wife has this OM influence.


Stop sharing your wife!


----------



## the guy

Make no mistake, your old lady is running away from this marriage, not running towards a healthy relationship.

It sucks she can't see thru the fog that this is all a fantasy and will risk her family for the same crap she has dealt with but with a different guy... and this guy cheats so your old lady can't even see this and the fog has your old lady sucked in.

Sometime you just have to laugh and send your wife.....you just have to "just let them go" !

Sometimes she just won't get it until she gets a taste of her new reality so I suggest you do what you can to be confident in letting her go, help her pack, and seperate your money.

Sometimes having her served divorced papers can inche her away from the affair fog...you can always withdraw the filing if she shows true remorse down the road.


----------



## ThreeStrikes

OP,

I would recommend that you ask the mods to move this thread to the Coping with Infidelity subforum.

You're getting some spattered good advice from guys who have gone through the fire and come out the other side, forged anew. 

But you are also getting some bad recommendations by some members who really do not understand infidelity. Trickle-truth. Blameshifting. The affair fog. Re-writing of the marital history.

You can contact the mods by clicking on the exclamation point icon in the corner of your post.


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## phillybeffandswiss

This is really weird. Was a post deleted? No, I am not being funny.

He said he didn't do enough public displays of affection, all of a sudden he is the worst, neglectful, non-affectionate husband ever who only wants his wife for sex.

Where did that come from? Is it because he apologized and capitulated to her assessment?


----------



## LongWalk

OP, AnonPink is a good poster and it never hurts to hear a variety of view points. The general TAM consensus is that infidelity is the most destructive act that can destroy a marriage. Therefore, straightening out the WS is the number one priority to put the marriage into a salvageable situation. Think of stopping the affair as putting out the fire or plugging leak.

In MC you could go over what problems your marriage had and what needs to be fixed.

The most important thing is to respect yourself. Show restraint. The betrayed spouse does not become a holy saint and cheater an unredeemable sinner. Real life is more complex. By being weak you will not attract your wife or bring out the best in her.


----------



## ThreeStrikes

Anon Pink said:


> And it's NOT hard to compete with new. Not At ALL!!!!!! I've been married for 29 years and I gotta say if I NEVER stepped out after 29 years of essentially being ignored, never and I do mean NEVER getting a compliment, no affection unless I start it off, *there are tons of women who also won't go down that road.*
> 
> Being flirty is NOT the same as stepping out. A passing friendship is NOT an EA. You guys are more hysterical than women are purported to be, sheeshe!


There are also tons of women (and men)*who do.* To infer otherwise displays an unwillingness to see reality as it is.

And we haven't even talked about the disordered folks.

The idea here is to help the OP repair his marriage. This is not possible if his WW is deep into an EA. Any good counselor will tell you this.

So step #1 = kill the affair.

Edit: Looks like Longwalk basically said the same thing


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Anon Pink said:


> And it's NOT hard to compete with new. Not At ALL!!!!!! I've been married for 29 years and I gotta say if I NEVER stepped out after 29 years of essentially being ignored, never and I do mean NEVER getting a compliment, no affection unless I start it off, there are tons of women who also won't go down that road.


This is the OP's thread and there is NOTHING in any of his post that detail this level of apathy. He said he feels uncomfortable with public displays of affection. Lo and behold, there is another man in the picture that magnifies all of his foibles. SO lavk of PDAs becomes "emotionally distant." We have no clue how affectionate he was around family, in private or in other areas. 

OOPS, I am Mr. Redundant.


----------



## Anon Pink

If he admits to being uncomfortable with PDA, in my book that means little to no affection unless they are alone, which probably only happens in bed, which translates (to a woman) "you only touch me when you want sex." Which means, No Affection! It's not a leap but a logical conclusion.

Secondly, most of the people I know who are not affectionate, are also those who lack the ability to show affection with words too. They don't look at their partners and wink; they don't say cute things like "you're adorable" or you "look sexy." Show me a man who isn't affectionate and I'll bet my house he also doesn't say complimentary affectionate things either.

A man who doesn't compliment and isn't affectionate IS emotionally distant!


----------



## yeah_right

I'm coming here late. Before I put in my two cents on this situation, I want to say that IMO, women typically leave marriages because they are fed up...not because they have been having an affair. I know this will receive push back because by nature, this website is chock full of BS. But from what I've seen (and because of my own womanly knowledge), men will only initiate leaving if there is already a willing replacement waiting for him. Women will put up with a lot of crap before they walk away, and they are often willing to do it without another man waiting in the wings. In fact, I know several WAW who have never wanted to marry again...and haven't! And no, they're not gay.

A lot of the debate on here as far as PDA shows just how different men and women are. Women want/need/crave/require emotional affection. Whether it's a verbal "I love you" or hand holding, hugs or even a slap on the butt and wink. They need to know you care for them...beyond simply their use as a sex toy. Men KNOW they love their women and don't understand why they have to be so dang demonstrative. Don't try to understand. Just freaking do it! I promise you will get laid a lot more!

As far as OP here, I guess I would want to know the timeline. When did the wife start going to the gym and when did she start pulling away. Was she pulling away already when she met the "friend" or did it start after she started getting attention from Mr. Steroid? It's important to know whether she's a WAW or a cheating &*%$. Basically, is she running TO someone or running FROM you?

Either way, if there is a desire for R, she needs to change gyms, go NC with the man and if you can find out who his wife is, tell her so she can know what's up.


----------



## lifeistooshort

yeah_right said:


> I'm coming here late. Before I put in my two cents on this situation, I want to say that IMO, women typically leave marriages because they are fed up...not because they have been having an affair. I know this will receive push back because by nature, this website is chock full of BS. But from what I've seen (and because of my own womanly knowledge), men will only initiate leaving if there is already a willing replacement waiting for him. Women will put up with a lot of crap before they walk away, and they are often willing to do it without another man waiting in the wings. In fact, I know several WAW who have never wanted to marry again...and haven't! And no, they're not gay.
> 
> A lot of the debate on here as far as PDA shows just how different men and women are. Women want/need/crave/require emotional affection. Whether it's a verbal "I love you" or hand holding, hugs or even a slap on the butt and wink. They need to know you care for them...beyond simply their use as a sex toy. Men KNOW they love their women and don't understand why they have to be so dang demonstrative. Don't try to understand. Just freaking do it! I promise you will get laid a lot more!
> 
> As far as OP here, I guess I would want to know the timeline. When did the wife start going to the gym and when did she start pulling away. Was she pulling away already when she met the "friend" or did it start after she started getting attention from Mr. Steroid? It's important to know whether she's a WAW or a cheating &*%$. Basically, is she running TO someone or running FROM you?
> 
> Either way, if there is a desire for R, she needs to change gyms, go NC with the man and if you can find out who his wife is, tell her so she can know what's up.


Well said. Too bad most of the men will blow off what you've said because they don't want to hear it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Keepin-my-head-up

Ok.
Happy Holidays


----------



## Honorbound

lifeistooshort said:


> Well said. Too bad most of the men will blow off what you've said because they don't want to hear it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


/sigh... that is helpful how? _*I*_ agree with her.

I'm sorry a man hurt you. I've been betrayed more than once by women, but I am not on here bashing all of them with all-or-nothing stereotypes.

Try to be a little more constructive, please. This man is here because he wants our help. He has admitted to his faults in the marriage. THERE IS NO JUSTIFIABLE EXCUSE FOR A *SO* TO CHEAT. Period. Men OR women. If she had a problem with his lack of affection, there were many other ways to go about correcting it without resorting to damaging _herself and those around her_. If none of that worked, she could always just leave.

OP - you've been given good advice. I hope everything works out for you. Regardless, keep working on yourself so that you don't find yourself here again.


----------



## 71bgol

just an update. We are talking about reconciliation tomorrow night. She informed me that his wife found out he was talking to my wife and flipped. She claims they are no longer talking. He is also leaving to another state this week for some military duty.i feel like he cut it off. i told her i wish he hadnt because I wanted to see if she would cut it off. So if she decides tomorrow she doesnt want to R, then im doing a 180. im going to tell her she needs to leave friday thru monday morning to her parents and ill by at mine the other times til the house sells. I will not talk to her unless its about the kids, no texting back or anything. she can leave a message on my phone if its important. She will be mad at first and call me immature, i know it.

I already know she isnt going to want to R, shes checked out and still has feelings for this guy even if they arent talking. She is looking for greener grass, even with some one else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Honorbound

71bgol said:


> just an update. We are talking about reconciliation tomorrow night. She informed me that his wife found out he was talking to my wife and flipped. She claims they are no longer talking. He is also leaving to another state this week for some military duty.i feel like he cut it off. i told her i wish he hadnt because I wanted to see if she would cut it off. So if she decides tomorrow she doesnt want to R, then im doing a 180. im going to tell her she needs to leave friday thru monday morning to her parents and ill by at mine the other times til the house sells. I will not talk to her unless its about the kids, no texting back or anything. she can leave a message on my phone if its important. She will be mad at first and call me immature, i know it.
> 
> I already know she isnt going to want to R, shes checked out and still has feelings for this guy even if they arent talking. She is looking for greener grass, even with some one else.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, this is a tough spot, 71bgol. Even if she does want R you can't be sure you're not just getting called up off the Plan B bench temporarily. You need to get back on the 'pull' end of the 'push-pull'.

I'm not saying it is impossible, because it isn't, but she will have to put in a lot of work to overcome the broken trust issue - and you already know what you need to work on. You also know you need to do that work regardless.

I think you need to cancel the meeting and start with 180 and NC now. At this point, you have 0 respect. You will not 'nice' her back. At best you are someone she will endure temporarily to avoid being alone. Are you okay with that?

If you go through with the meeting, hold her hand (if she allows you to) and explain that YOU are letting HER go. That you know you contributed to, and own, your share of the dissolution of the marriage, that you DO love her - but you are no one's Plan B. Then go full 180 and NC. Be a man she can respect.

If she wants R, she will have to do the heavy lifting - at first, anyway. She is the one that broke your vows. Do not get swept up into a false R through tears and pity! The status quo isn't working. If you BOTH want R you will need to _prove_ to each other that both of you have changed. You will both need IC, MC, and total transparency. It is not easy. It will remain not easy for the foreseeable future.

It is a tough spot to be in, brother. I'm sorry.


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## tom67

Honorbound said:


> Yeah, this is a tough spot, 71bgol. Even if she does want R you can't be sure you're not just getting called up off the Plan B bench temporarily. You need to get back on the 'pull' end of the 'push-pull'.
> 
> I'm not saying it is impossible, because it isn't, but she will have to put in a lot of work to overcome the broken trust issue - and you already know what you need to work on. You also know you need to do that work regardless.
> 
> I think you need to cancel the meeting and start with 180 and NC now. At this point, you have 0 respect. You will not 'nice' her back. At best you are someone she will endure temporarily to avoid being alone. Are you okay with that?
> 
> If you go through with the meeting, hold her hand (if she allows you to) and explain that YOU are letting HER go. That you know you contributed to, and own, your share of the dissolution of the marriage, that you DO love her - but you are no one's Plan B. Then go full 180 and NC. Be a man she can respect.
> 
> If she wants R, she will have to do the heavy lifting - at first, anyway. She is the one that broke your vows. Do not get swept up into a false R through tears and pity! The status quo isn't working. If you BOTH want R you will need to _prove_ to each other that both of you have changed. You will both need IC, MC, and total transparency. It is not easy. It will remain not easy for the foreseeable future.
> 
> It is a tough spot to be in, brother. I'm sorry.



This^^^ plus how can you take her at her word.
Unless you hear this from his wife, can you really believe her without confirming?
I couldn't.


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## yeah_right

I'm going to have to agree with the others. I think you need to go full 180 and move forward with divorce (you can always cancel it later). Tell the family that it's because she would like to pursue romance with a married guy at her gym. But also admit that you could have been a more loving husband.

I don't know if this can be salvaged. But I've heard of worse problems that have been repaired. Whatever the outcome is, you both have issues to work on to be used in your current marriage or your next one. 

Good luck and try to have a Merry Christmas!


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## warlock07

71bgol said:


> No, but she guards her phone now. Ive also thought that maybe there was more to the gym guy. I have to decide weither to believe her ornot. I asked her if she was still working out with him. she said yes and they actually talk a lot about our marriage. She claims that he tells her that she shouldnt leave me unless she is 100 percent sure she wants out, and that she doesnt seem sure. Appearently hes been through a divorce. Then again hes part of the reason she wants to seperate, cause some guy at the gym has better communication then her husband does with her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


the trickle trut and gas lighting part of the affair...


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## warlock07

71bgol said:


> The truth comes out! She finally admitted she has feelings for this guy. She wanted to be honest with me but she was scared id blow it up and tell everyone she was a *****. The guy is married. They decided today that the werent gonna talk anymore. She says she feels guilty about possibley having feelings for someone else. I told her I understand our marriage hasn't been the best and I havent been the best husband, but its still wrong and hurtful that she opened herself up. I told her that im no longer going to be the only one trying to saveour marriage. She has until tomorrow night when I get off work to decide if she wants to try and save our family. If I get a no or a wishy wash asnwer I'm filing asap. Im not gonna try at all unless I feel like shes 100% comitted. Even then Im not sure, I might just tell her no, I dont know if I can trust her again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




D-day and the BS is in denial about the PA.

OM is married, huh? She actively lied about it..


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## warlock07

71bgol said:


> just an update. We are talking about reconciliation tomorrow night. She informed me that his wife found out he was talking to my wife and flipped. She claims they are no longer talking. He is also leaving to another state this week for some military duty.i feel like he cut it off. i told her i wish he hadnt because I wanted to see if she would cut it off. So if she decides tomorrow she doesnt want to R, then im doing a 180. im going to tell her she needs to leave friday thru monday morning to her parents and ill by at mine the other times til the house sells. I will not talk to her unless its about the kids, no texting back or anything. she can leave a message on my phone if its important. She will be mad at first and call me immature, i know it.
> 
> I already know she isnt going to want to R, shes checked out and still has feelings for this guy even if they arent talking. She is looking for greener grass, even with some one else.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



You realize they were having sex, don't you?


Your wife's affair is following the "Cheater's script" to the tee. Google it.

Go read some popular threads on here and CWI section. Affairs like your wife's follow a general pattern. So does the reaction betrayed spouses like you. If you can notice and learn of these patterns, you can make the best case scenario for both of you
She will probably get dumped and she will beg to come back once she loses her options.

And one major thing you need to do. Talk to this guy's wife in person. You wife could have lied to you to prevent you from talking to his wife. People in affairs act very deceitfully. And there is a word for that too. Affair fog. I don't have the type all that out but read the stick threads on the "Coping with infidelity" section


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## ThreeStrikes

71bgol said:


> just an update. We are talking about reconciliation tomorrow night. She informed me that his wife found out he was talking to my wife and flipped. She claims they are no longer talking. He is also leaving to another state this week for some military duty.i feel like he cut it off. i told her i wish he hadnt because I wanted to see if she would cut it off. So if she decides tomorrow she doesnt want to R, then im doing a 180. im going to tell her she needs to leave friday thru monday morning to her parents and ill by at mine the other times til the house sells. I will not talk to her unless its about the kids, no texting back or anything. she can leave a message on my phone if its important. She will be mad at first and call me immature, i know it.
> 
> I already know she isnt going to want to R, shes checked out and still has feelings for this guy even if they arent talking. She is looking for greener grass, even with some one else.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What if she refuses to go to her parents? Have you thought that through? Giving her the silent treatment for a few days *is*, quite frankly, immature.

If she goes to live with her parents, you're basically giving her a license to continue her affair without any interference.

Bgol, 

The very best move you can make for yourself, even though it may feel counter-intuitive, is to file for D. This will "shock" her back to reality. 

D takes a long time, especially in some States. If she decides she wants to R, then you can always call off the D.

Track down OM's wife and talk to her. Don't contact her via email/text, because OM could intercept communications. Compare stories. As many of us suspect, this was more than an EA. Get the facts.


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## cbnero

Umm.... yeah. HELLO! SHE IS LYING.

I kid you not I just went through this and made every mistake possible. First, I was also told the OMW knew. NOT TRUE. When I called her she knew nothing like my wife kept telling me.

A. You are being cheated on and lied to
B. STOP immediately talking to your wife about this. Because she is gaming and gaslighting you. She will tell you what you need to hear just to keep you on board. But reality is there are so many lies you cant see right now. Mine went on for a YEAR. She never felt bad or cared about me enough to stop.
C. TAKE control. Start gaslighting her, immediately. Dont let her know you are on TAM or onto her lies. Hire an attorney. Talk to the OM wife and fill her in. Do NOT let your wife know you are doing these things. 
E. When you have your ducks in a row and do the exposure, prepare for war. Initiate the 180 hardcore immediately. Do not get angry ever, or at least let her see it. Start moving on immediately 
F. Watch what she does. Get your own mind right and dont feel bad because this is war and she doesnt even care about you at all right now. If she comes back later and wants to R then hold strong. Make her do all the work, do not bend. Mine tried to R but then really just kept lying. Do not fall for that move. Hold strong. You are the man, be the man.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## cbnero

You are no one's Plan B. Wish her well and tell her YOU are moving on. Show yourself respect and you might get some in return. I am serious, you might still have time to right this ship but you need to act now! Read the posts here, listen to ppl who have gone down this road. Good luck

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## Fordsvt

cbnero is 100% correct. You are being held emotionally hostage. You need to take control. Also, you need to ask yourself...do you want her back? She is getting ploughed by the gym dude for sure. If it was me I'd say "see you later baby".

If you do want her still. It's time for the 180 big time. You need to get control here and dictate what direction this BS is going.


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## mitzi

Wasn't this the issue to begin with? Why are you
Letting her call the shots? You need to tell her
How it's going to go. Women need a mAn 
To take charge. Yes some women need to be
In charge but most specially in the bedroom 
We want to know our men take what they want.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort

Speak for yourself. If my hb "told me" how it was going to be I'd laugh in his face. When he comes to me with a strong opinion about what he thinks I respect that because we are partners.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cbnero

She is not his partner anymore. The beauty of being alone is you are free to do as you like. In fact, you should do what you want WITHOUT talking or emailing her to fill her in. Because you do not care anymore! Dump her mind game. Put yourself first. Don't think about her at all, she does not give a crap about you.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## mitzi

You have a hb? I do believe you miss took what
I said and I don't believe I was talking to you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cbnero

And stop loving in fear of her!!!! It took TAMers to help me see that fear in myself.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## cbnero

Hey then I apologize. Wasnt meant as a personal attack. At all. Just that he doesn't need to consider how his cheating spouse will feel. But yes if you love your wife and want to be married then I agree with you. Sorry to offend

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## WatchmansMoon

If you're going to work on the marriage, you may want to take a "Love Languages" test - to find our your own temperment, but especially to have your wife take the test and let you know how she scored. There are five common "languages" that people use to receive from and speak love to others (•Quality Time •Words of Affirmation •Physical Touch •Acts of Service •Receiving Gifts.) If you wife's primary language is touch and affirming words... she would not feel very loved by you if you were communicating your love to her in one or two of these other languages, would she? You may be uncomfortable doing it, but that's no excuse, especially if you could bring yourself to be more physically loving when you were dating... shouldn't this be an area that you get better at over time, not worse? You may be giving her gifts and feeling you're going out of your way to love her, but you may not be speaking her language. There's a free temperment test you can take here: What's Your Love Language? - Boundless - Online Community - Focus on the Family Community and you can send it to your wife to ask her to take it as well. She'll appreciate the gesture that you're wanting to know her language too, probably. Good luck to you!


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## forumman83

Listen my man, take it from me because I've been through this. Regardless of what your wife is saying now, she needs to LEARN A LESSON through all of this. That lesson being that you are a man and you are worthy of and deserve nothing but respect. That can only be communicated to her if you RESPECT YOURSELF.

If you actually respected yourself, you would walk away form this marriage right now and take some time away in order to clear your head, and, from a clear headed position, you can THEN decide whether or not SHE DESERVES to be married to you.

She messed up, if she does not face ANY CONSEQUENCES then she will not learn from this mistake and she WILL NOT RESPECT you ever again. 

Do the 180 for at least a few weeks. Think long and hard about this marriage. She should be BEGGING to come bakc to you. If this doesn't happen, you are only delaying the inevitable which is the loss of respect for you and and your marriage and the eventual cheating and/or divorce.


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## 71bgol

Update. I think ive done just about everything wrong. I thought maybe doing the 180 with as little as contact as possible would be a good thing. She texts me saying "I feel like your trying to ignore me, this is just going to make it easier for me to move on. I thought you wanted to do everything you could to work on things. I just need time to think, but you ignoring me isnt going to help."

So then I just got all confused on what to do. We are living apart now. She is at her parents friday night thru monday morning. Im at my parents the rest of the time. We still talk and text each other. She still doesnt know if she wants to work on things. Every question I ask her is "I dont know."


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## tulsy

She's dangling a carrot to see if you still bite...don't buy it. Keep on the 180.


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## Tobyboy

tulsy said:


> She's dangling a carrot to see if you still bite...don't buy it. Keep on the 180.


Exactly!!!!
Those are words of manipulation!!!! Remember, she has already "moved on" !!! The 180 is for you.... To heal..... To see clearly..... To make healthy decisions...to not get confused when she tries to manipulate you with words!!!! What about her actions? Yup! That's what I thought. Carry on with the 180. You'll be fine!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SongsAboutJane

Tobyboy said:


> Exactly!!!!
> Those are words of manipulation!!!! Remember, she has already "moved on" !!! The 180 is for you.... To heal..... To see clearly..... To make healthy decisions...to not get confused when she tries to manipulate you with words!!!! What about her actions? Yup! That's what I thought. Carry on with the 180. You'll be fine!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree. You lost her and she is playing games. Work on yourself. Seek professional counseling for yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 71bgol

need some advice we are talking for the final time tomorrow. If she is at all wishy washy about trying, im telling her im moving on, and not to talk to me unless its about the kids, and im going to file. This has gone on long enough.

Right now we are separated, but still communicate. Im living at the house friday night throught monday morning with the kids. Then shes at the house monday night through friday morning with the kids. Should I be nice and let this go on til we sell the house. Or should I make her go live with her parents full time. Im just worrying about the kids. She is going to want the kids during the week, and I dont want to make them stay at her parents. Part of me feels like if she wants to do this then she should be the one gone the whole time.... confused.


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## forumman83

she is messing with you. if she wanted to reconcile then she would. take the bull by the horns and walk away now while you still have som semblence of self-respect remaining..


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## Tobyboy

Is her affair over? Have you verified that the OM's wife knows? 

Sounds to me like she's cake eating!!!

She's gonna give you wishy washy....give her separation papers!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AlmostYoung

How's it going 71, how about an update? Is the tough guy, "teach her a lesson" approach advised here doing the trick?

Here's the thing. It took your W a while to get fed up and step out. It will also take her a while to believe things will be different before she gives YOU another chance. Yep, I said gives _you _another chance. She's the one who gave up on you, remember?

You demanding stuff or attempting to "shock her" is not likely to get her back. You really don't have as much bargaining power right now as the posters here are leading you to believe.

_Especially_ if she's is in deep with this guy. If she's not impressed with you, (and why would she be if you haven't shown any change for the better?) then issuing demands will only push her to OM, WHO _IS_ MEETING HER NEEDS. 

These posters are not helping you save your M, they're pushing you to end it. But hey! At least you'll get to say you were the tough guy and didn't take no sh!t!

D takes a while, so you still have time to fix this. Work on you. Be confident and strong, but loving. Be everything you know she wants. Be the H any W would be a fool to leave. 

Then, even if the M doesn't work out, you'll be a better person, instead of the same person... only bitter.


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## LongWalk

> need some advice we are talking for *the final time *tomorrow. If she is at all wishy washy about trying, im telling her im moving on, and not to talk to me unless its about the kids, and im going to file. This has gone on long enough.


Who said it was the final time? 

She needs to make the effort to communicate with you if she wants to save your marriage.

Was she cheating? Did she give you the ILYBINILWY speech? She did not even say she cared about you, did she?


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## cbnero

AlmostYoung said:


> How's it going 71, how about an update? Is the tough guy, "teach her a lesson" approach advised here doing the trick?
> 
> Here's the thing. It took your W a while to get fed up and step out. It will also take her a while to believe things will be different before she gives YOU another chance. Yep, I said gives _you _another chance. She's the one who gave up on you, remember?
> 
> You demanding stuff or attempting to "shock her" is not likely to get her back. You really don't have as much bargaining power right now as the posters here are leading you to believe.
> 
> _Especially_ if she's is in deep with this guy. If she's not impressed with you, (and why would she be if you haven't shown any change for the better?) then issuing demands will only push her to OM, WHO _IS_ MEETING HER NEEDS.
> 
> These posters are not helping you save your M, they're pushing you to end it. But hey! At least you'll get to say you were the tough guy and didn't take no sh!t!
> 
> D takes a while, so you still have time to fix this. Work on you. Be confident and strong, but loving. Be everything you know she wants. Be the H any W would be a fool to leave.
> 
> Then, even if the M doesn't work out, you'll be a better person, instead of the same person... only bitter.


That sounds like great advice. You know, thats what I did for a whole year. And you know what else?

My stbx lost ALL respect for me. She lied and cheated the whole year. She had hidden bank accounts. Gaslit me so bad I may never recover. Got more and more angry as time went on, wven though I never so much as verbally attacked her for what she did. She just kept gettong nastier and nastier trying to trigger me so she could have an excuse to leave.

And then she did leave. And left me a broken shell of a human being.

So your advice sounds great but you know what - if they are going to leave they will leave regardless of what you or anyone else does.

The 180 "tough guy" stuff isnt to have mental impact on the wayward spouse nearly as much as it exists to help build up the strength of the betrayed spouse.

Which is who we are concerned about here.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## Morgiana

Reading this thread is quite disheartening in general. Especially the comments to the effect of "You need to teach her a lesson." Enforcing boundaries is not about you punishing someone else, it is about taking care of _yourself_. Doing the 180 is about saying "I find myself more important that someone else." It can break co-dependency. It is meant for you to own your own ****, and help lead you to being self-secure in sticking up for yourself. 

It is not about striking out, it is not about making someone else pay. It is about being strong enough to enforce that those you interact with interact with you in ways you deem acceptable. And when they don't, you speak up. You do not allow what you find unacceptable.

You are filing for divorce because you are saying "I do not find this situation to be acceptable, I need X, Y, Z." Do not file for divorce saying "I'm going to teach you a lesson." The first one is assertive and strong, the second one is from a position of weakness.


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## cbnero

Agreed. The 180 got me through it and on the road to recovery. I have not been mean or rude to my stbxw, only disconnected. 

And she is still filled with hate, blame shifting, etc... triggers abound.

Stand up for yourself for you. Take action, but do not sink to your wayward spouse's level. 

Do this and if she comes back later and wants to R you will be able to make good decisions without getting steamrolled by your own emotions.

180. Immediately.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## funfred

You need to tell her to GTFO. She should be the one feeling remorse but instead she isn't sure. Be a Man and tell her to get out, its done.


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## AlmostYoung

Morgiana said:


> Reading this thread is quite disheartening in general. Especially the comments to the effect of "You need to teach her a lesson."


But yet it's quite common around here. I like to remind myself that when someone hurts us, the knee jerk reaction is to want to lash out and hurt them back. So that's what many do.

Also, that it's just the nature of the internet to encourage _tuff guy_ talk on almost any subject that elicts strong emotions. 

“Teach ‘em a lesson” almost never encourages the spouse to come back, (especially women) and almost always ensures a bitter battle. No one wants either of these things of course, but that’s what they end up getting when they can’t see past their hurt feelings or ego long enough to do something more constructive. _For themselves._

Only when we stop playing the victim, forgive, let go of the resentment, and start focusing on bettering ourselves, can we become happier, more attractive people. With or without our partner.



cbnero said:


> The 180 got me through it and on the road to recovery. I have not been mean or rude to my stbxw, only disconnected.


This sounds healthy to me. 

Your previous post sounded like you may be holding some regret for standing / trying / holding out hope, or whatever you want to call it, for a year. If this is the case, why is that?

I think it takes a strong man to show compassion to the one he loves, even when she's not returning that love. For me, that's Real Love. If they choose not to accept it, that's ok... their choice. 

Anyone can run and throw sticks as soon as things aren't going the way they want them to be. No strength/love there.


----------



## cbnero

AlmostYoung said:


> Morgiana said:
> 
> 
> 
> Reading this thread is quite disheartening in general. Especially the comments to the effect of "You need to teach her a lesson."
> 
> 
> 
> But yet it's quite common around here. I like to remind myself that when someone hurts us, the knee jerk reaction is to want to lash out and hurt them back. So that's what many do.
> 
> Also, that it's just the nature of the internet to encourage _tuff guy_ talk on almost any subject that elicts strong emotions.
> 
> “Teach ‘em a lesson” almost never encourages the spouse to come back, (especially women) and almost always ensures a bitter battle. No one wants either of these things of course, but that’s what they end up getting when they can’t see past their hurt feelings or ego long enough to do something more constructive. _For themselves._
> 
> Only when we stop playing the victim, forgive, let go of the resentment, and start focusing on bettering ourselves, can we become happier, more attractive people. With or without our partner.
> 
> 
> 
> cbnero said:
> 
> 
> 
> The 180 got me through it and on the road to recovery. I have not been mean or rude to my stbxw, only disconnected.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> This sounds healthy to me.
> 
> Your previous post sounded like you may be holding some regret for standing / trying / holding out hope, or whatever you want to call it, for a year. If this is the case, why is that?
> 
> I think it takes a strong man to show compassion to the one he loves, even when she's not returning that love. For me, that's Real Love. If they choose not to accept it, that's ok... their choice.
> 
> Anyone can run and throw sticks as soon as things aren't going the way they want them to be. No strength/love there.
Click to expand...

I do regret it in the sense that I wish I had trusted my gut and been a stronger individual during that time. Had I stood up for myself or the truth I would have saved myself a lot of pain and agony. I would have seen through the lies vs blindly trusting her.

Not returning love is one thing, but sometimes the person doesnt just leave you. Sometimes they stick around with intent to destroy you. Unless you have personally gone through it there is no understanding the pain.

Had I been stronger and "tuffer" earlier I would have recognized it and avoided it. You make it sound simple, it isnt. And any pride you felt for loving unconditionally gets buried under an avalanche of pain and despair. I am one of those people who would never have divorced, ever. Always happy, always optimistic, I never felt discontent in my marriage. I guess I never looked at it that way. That part of me is dead and long gone. Pain and hurt were my only reward. Do the 180 for yourself, sooner the better.

I dont want to hijack a thread here but thats how I feel having been through it.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## Jellybeans

OP, I am sorry for what has transpired. For there to be any shot at this, the other guy has to be out of the picture and you and she need to communicate better and you should give her the affection she needs. Women who are emotionally neglected... it kills their soul.

I know because I was in a relationship like the one you describe. I told him so many times and he blew me off everytime and one day I left. Had no more fight in me or even desire to try anymore because I felt he did not take me seriously.



Anon Pink said:


> Secondly, most of the people I know who are not affectionate, are also those who lack the ability to show affection with words too. They don't look at their partners and wink; they don't say cute things like "you're adorable" or you "look sexy." Show me a man who isn't affectionate and I'll bet my house he also doesn't say complimentary affectionate things either.
> 
> A man who doesn't compliment and isn't affectionate IS emotionally distant!


:iagree:


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## AlmostYoung

cbnero said:


> I do regret it in the sense that I wish I had trusted my gut and been a stronger individual during that time. Had I stood up for myself or the truth I would have saved myself a lot of pain and agony. I would have seen through the lies vs blindly trusting her.
> 
> Not returning love is one thing, but sometimes the person doesnt just leave you. Sometimes they stick around with intent to destroy you. Unless you have personally gone through it there is no understanding the pain.
> 
> Had I been stronger and "tuffer" earlier I would have recognized it and avoided it. You make it sound simple, it isnt. And any pride you felt for loving unconditionally gets buried under an avalanche of pain and despair.


Thanks for the reply cbnero. 

They say hindsight is 20/20. Had you given up on her early on, you may just as well have had regrets of "What if?". 

At least for me, I'd rather know I gave my spouse and M the best shot I could, left no stone unturned, and all that jazz... 

We're dealing with someone we love(d) and cherish(ed) for years, and they also stood by us. They deserve our best.

The tough love ultimatum should be the last resort, not the first, only to be used when you are "Done".


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## cbnero

AlmostYoung said:


> cbnero said:
> 
> 
> 
> I do regret it in the sense that I wish I had trusted my gut and been a stronger individual during that time. Had I stood up for myself or the truth I would have saved myself a lot of pain and agony. I would have seen through the lies vs blindly trusting her.
> 
> Not returning love is one thing, but sometimes the person doesnt just leave you. Sometimes they stick around with intent to destroy you. Unless you have personally gone through it there is no understanding the pain.
> 
> Had I been stronger and "tuffer" earlier I would have recognized it and avoided it. You make it sound simple, it isnt. And any pride you felt for loving unconditionally gets buried under an avalanche of pain and despair.
> 
> 
> 
> Thanks for the reply cbnero.
> 
> They say hindsight is 20/20. Had you given up on her early on, you may just as well have had regrets of "What if?".
> 
> At least for me, I'd rather know I gave my spouse and M the best shot I could, left no stone unturned, and all that jazz...
> 
> We're dealing with someone we love(d) and cherish(ed) for years, and they also stood by us. They deserve our best.
> 
> The tough love ultimatum should be the last resort, not the first, only to be used when you are "Done".
Click to expand...

You are an insanely positive person. (Mean that as a compliment) I hope you never lose that quality. Cheers

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## AlmostYoung

Haha, thanks cb. My M is in a bit of a crises right now, and I have my moments of despair. But I choose to not give up, and not to become a bitter victim in all this. Life is too short for that.

In the end, only WE decide how happy/miserable we are going to be.

This is the kind of strength I choose, and I believe it makes me more attractive.


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## cbnero

AlmostYoung said:


> Haha, thanks cb. My M is in a bit of a crises right now, and I have my moments of despair. But I choose to not give up, and not to become a bitter victim in all this. Life is too short for that.
> 
> In the end, only WE decide how happy/miserable we are going to be.
> 
> This is the kind of strength I choose, and I believe it makes me more attractive.


Well you are an inspration.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## Sanity

Tobyboy said:


> I give this 90% chance that's there another man. 80% that's it's an old BF she reconnected with through Facebook.
> 
> There is hope you can turn this around, but your going to have do some digging to see if there's a third party involved first. Do not ask her, just verify on your own. Start with the phone bill, look for an unusual amount of call and texts to a certain number. Also check her social media accounts and emails.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you hunt game and take your sweet time finding it, the hyenas will find it for you.


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## 71bgol

Fast forward three years and i am remarried. Found out yesterday my wife of just over a year was cheating on me with a woman.. fml It must be me..


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## aine

71bgol said:


> Fast forward three years and i am remarried. Found out yesterday my wife of just over a year was cheating on me with a woman.. fml It must be me..


So sorry, start a new thread as people might not see this.


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