# An Intriguing situation



## FMLuder1013 (Dec 26, 2018)

Ok brief preface: This is a story about a guy who came to me for advice. We work together and he knows that I am going through a divorce so he asked me for advice....already there, he exhibits bad decision lol

So this guy wants to divorce his wife. He has for a long time, the way he explains it is that he married the wrong woman. He was 21 when he got married and now he’s 34. Him and his wife are about the same age. He’s had issues with her for years and he’s basically been looking for a way out for the last decade and just can’t confront the issue. To complicate matters...they have a 6 year old son who is special needs. He is going to be dependent on his parents his whole life. 

Well, he has become very close with a female coworker over the last year and a half. She just had a child. The father was her boyfriend who she can’t stand but decided to move in with him after she found out she was pregnant because she felt she should give him a chance since they have a child together.

So these two have become close. They talk a lot, go to lunch together and at the few happy hours I have been to...always sit together and honestly some people have gossiped about them because they do gravitate towards each other. 

I asked him about this while he was confiding in me and he said they hang out at work and text each other a lot outside of work...to the point where they literally will talk all day at work and after work will be texting each other all night until they go to bed and then pick it up the next day, rarely losing contact with each other for more than a couple of hours. 

My friend said they have never hooked up or talked about hooking up but they have ben very flirty with each other and become very close to each other...confiding about each other’s relationships and how unhappy they are. And....she had asked to have dinner with him...but she made a point of saying only as friends though...

On top of everything else I will share my own personal experience with them....they act kinda couply...if you know what I mean. Example: I was leaving for the day with them and some others. We all got on the elevator and they were standing together like they usually do. And when the elevator door opened...the girl got out and it was the wrong floor. My friend grabbed her arm and pulled her towards him and she bumped up against him and giggled and said “oh wow, I don’t know what I’m doing “ and we all laughed. She then looked at me and said “I don’t know why he keeps me around...seriously “ and we laughed. Honestly though it felt weird because this just seemed like something a couple would do. They also always touch each other, they walk close together and always find reasons to grab one another etc etc

Well turns out my friend has fallen in love with this girl and decided to bare his feelings to her...


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## FMLuder1013 (Dec 26, 2018)

Ok so he told her how he felt today after work. And then we went out and had beers together and he told me all this.

My fingers are tired so I will post the rest of the story later. To be continued....


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Tell him he is a fool and needs to do the right thing by letting his current wife go before engaging the office girl.

He is emotionally cheating on his wife. The married at a young age is BS. It's not an excuse.

No more story needed .... it is very clear already.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Mr.Married said:


> No more story needed .... it is very clear already.


Hey! Some of us want to hear the rest!!!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

He's thinking with his c*** and coming up with all sorts of ****ty excuses to betray his wife. A great catch he is. 

You ought to tell his wife and her boyfriend and let them do some damage control. He thinks he will sail into the sunset with her meanwhile let his poor wife deal with a special needs kid, etc. How old is he? He acts like a teenager not an adult married man. 
He needs a good kick up his ass to be a man and deal with his responsibilities. It's a matter of time before they go physical. Please tell his wife anonymously. Hell, give me the contact and I will do it for you!

Please do not be an accessory to this POS!


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

So he is actively pursuing a woman who has just had a baby and is quite possibly having postpartum depression.He is rewriting history with his wife to justify his feelings for the new girl and has no consideration whatsoever for his wife or his special needs child or the other woman’s boyfriend or baby.By the way it seems she is rewriting history too.
Your friend sounds like a real prize.
You have been cheated on by your wife and know how this feels.Why aren’t you letting the betrayed wife and boyfriend know what’s going on?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Abandon wife... Abandon disabled child.

Wow! He is a real keeper.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*He's a real Romeo, @FMLuder1013 ~

It seems that you've got real problems of your very own without being an "advice-meister" to him!

Do the right thing and solve your own situation first! *


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, I've suggested to you in other threads about your own situation that perhaps you really need to find a better quality of friends. If this man is indeed your friend, then clearly I was correct. Your wife is a cheater. You've suggested that several of the other people you know are at the very least gravely inappropriate and have very poor boundaries. Now your buddy here is a cheater as well. And you seem to really, honestly, believe that all this sort of thing is absolutely normal. That this is just the way people are. Because it's the way people in your social circles are. 

You need better quality friends.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

The guy is looking for someone to tell him to "go for it". In his mind that justifies cheating on his wife and child. Do you want to be that guy OP? 

There's nothing "intriguing" about the situation, simply a morally corrupt person playing their game.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

He is cheating, blatantly, plain and simple. He is too big a coward to end his marriage the right, respectful way, so he has attached himself to someone else so he has someplace to fall when his marriage bites the dust. I have a close friend who pulled the same crap, despite my constant warning and advice against it. Now she cant understand why everyone thinks so low of her. That is going to be YOUR friend soon, if it isnt already, because EVERYONE can see what he is doing.


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## FMLuder1013 (Dec 26, 2018)

Wow, lot of strong responses lol

First of all, I’m not telling anyone about this, that’s why he’s confiding in me. Unless a crime is being committed...I’m not going to run around telling everyone other people’s business...except on here lol

So what happened last night was he described in detail what happened between him and this girl because he wanted my input on how she reacted and I have no clue what made him think I would be any help lol but I was curious what everybody on here thought.

So he pulled her aside after work to tell her that he liked her as more than a friend. Those were his exact words. She said she felt that way to and said something about how it was an attraction based on the idea of forbidden fruit and loving the “idea” of someone. He started explaining how him and his wife had always basically just been really good roommates and he had been thinking of divorce for a long time even before they had their son. However he stayed in the marriage because he thought it would be easier that way. He has had “crushes “ before but they went away after a couple months at most but he’s known this girl for over a year and a half and this is only getting worse. He aaid he feels guilty but it’s been eating him up inside and so he felt he needed to tell her that he’s never thought of anyone the way he thinks of her and he hates himself for having fallen for her but he’s been having a hard time being around her because it just makes him want so much more. 

Now he said that while he was saying this they were looking into each other’s eyes the whole time and she was tearing up and smiling slightly and he had to restrain himself from kissing her. Her response was that she hated that he felt that way and that she was causing this and then she said that he had “shocked her world” by telling her this and that she was so happy to have him because he is her “rock”. She said “ before we figure out what this is, you need to figure things out with your wife”. My buddy agreed and left but as he was leaving she grabbed his arm and told him “we’ll figure this out, don’t worry “ and he left.

Ok....alot to go through lol

All I told him was that I think he was misreading her because I know this girl and she is super friendly and outgoing. She’s just super nice and can be thought of as flirty because of this so I think he’s misread her a little...he didn’t think so because she said she stated she was attracted to him and wanted to go out after work with him. She stated that all this is ok as long as it’s understood they’re just going out as friends and that they aren’t going to act on their feelings physically.

What’s everybody think?


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## Nickel Speed (Feb 4, 2019)

You need new friend. He is bastard.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

FMLuder1013 said:


> All I told him was that I think he was misreading her because I know this girl and she is super friendly and outgoing. She’s just super nice and can be thought of as flirty because of this so I think he’s misread her a little...he didn’t think so because she said she stated she was attracted to him and wanted to go out after work with him. She stated that all this is ok as long as it’s understood they’re just going out as friends and that they aren’t going to act on their feelings physically.
> 
> What’s everybody think?


NO, its NOT OK for them to go out as friends! All of this is NOT OK! And you are wrong, he is not misreading her. If she said the things to him that he says she did, you are deluding yourself.

Be a real friend to him by letting him know this "friendship" is completely inappropriate, and he needs to either crap or get off the pot when it comes to his wife. I have been where you are and it doesnt end well, but at least you can say that YOU did your best to try and help him do the right thing.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

Im sure every body thinks he's POS. She's not much better but at least not married. I wouldn't go telling either the wife or the boyfriend anything either. He's just your co-worker so whatevs. Stop spending time with him outside of work. Let him handle his own drama.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

In 10 years or less she would be sick of his **** too.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Ask your friend how he thinks this girl will handle helping him coparent his son for the rest of her life.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Wow, some workplaces foster the same kind of drama as middle school? Only with married people?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

FMLuder1013 said:


> Wow, lot of strong responses lol
> 
> First of all, I’m not telling anyone about this, that’s why he’s confiding in me. Unless a crime is being committed...I’m not going to run around telling everyone other people’s business...except on here lol
> 
> ...



That you don't seem to realize, or really care, that your buddy really is cheating is bad. That you seem to be lapping up the drama is even worse. Your friend and his girlfriend (because that's what she is) are cheating on their primary relationships. You've been cheated on yourself. You know what that feels like. Yet you seem more intrigued by the drama of all this, than pissed off that your buddy is doing to his wife what your own wife did to you. And that he's giving you, a recently betrayed spouse, the play by play. 

Not only do you need better quality friends, but I'm really beginning to think your notion of appropriate relationship boundaries might also be pretty questionable.


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## FMLuder1013 (Dec 26, 2018)

Nothing has happened between them. I asked him repeatedly and he swears nothing happened between them and I asked if they’d talked about doing something about all this and he said no. 

As far as I can tell they have never been alone together outside of work and they have talked about meeting for dinner or a drink but haven’t done it. She originally asked him to a while back and he backed down and I guess her reponse was to let her know when he could because whatever time he could do it she’s going to find a way to make it work.

They text a lot apparently and it’s nothing inappropriate but I read some of the messages and...they’re borderline. They don’t really say anything too bad to each other but there is a flirtiness to the texts.

For the record, I don’t like being in the middle of this kind of stuff but he’s a guy who is really torn up about all of this. I could see it in him when he was telling me. Like he seemed like he might have a panic attack or something. He wasn’t bragging or proud of himself at all. He actually said he was ashamed multiple times.

This girl keeps telling him everything is ok as long as they don’t act on it. She tells him this a lot apparently so I think she’s made him feel like this is ok


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

FMLuder1013 said:


> This girl keeps telling him everything is ok as long as they don’t act on it. She tells him this a lot apparently so I think she’s made him feel like this is ok


THIS is a LIE. Its not ok, and she is immature and delusional to tell him that it is. How would your friend feel if his wife had this kind of "friendship" with another man? Their relationship is completely inappropriate, it doesnt matter if they havent physically connected or spent time alone. This needs to stop. Period. He is putting time, effort, and emotion into someone other than his wife, and that is in NO WAY ok.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> THIS is a LIE. Its not ok, and she is immature and delusional to tell him that it is. How would your friend feel if his wife had this kind of "friendship" with another man? Their relationship is completely inappropriate, it doesnt matter if they havent physically connected or spent time alone. This needs to stop. Period. He is putting time, effort, and emotion into someone other than his wife, and that is in NO WAY ok.


:iagree:

Your friend and this woman are engaged in what is known as an emotional affair. It's still an affair, but they haven't gotten to the sex bit yet. In the meantime, though, they are both devoting a great deal of time, energy and emotion into their relationship. Which is time, energy, and emotion they are _not_ investing in their primary relationships. They are kidding themselves, and you apparently, if they imagine it won't ever become a physical affair if they continue on the way they are.

If your friend devoted this kind of time and effort to his wife and child, maybe his marriage would be happier? How would he feel if his wife were spending this kind of emotional energy on another man?


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## FMLuder1013 (Dec 26, 2018)

I agree with what you’re saying completely.

This guy seems torn because he does seem like he’s genuinely considering divorce but he’s not sure.

And I really don’t think anything is going to happen physically between them. I just don’t get that impression from all this.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

FMLuder1013 said:


> I agree with what you’re saying completely.
> 
> This guy seems torn because he does seem like he’s genuinely considering divorce but he’s not sure.
> 
> And I really don’t think anything is going to happen physically between them. I just don’t get that impression from all this.


My question to you, not trying to be mean, what is this to YOU?


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## FMLuder1013 (Dec 26, 2018)

Btw I have approached this girl about my buddy and asked what’s up with the two of them. I asked her “what’s up with you and your guy? “

She seemed confused and I referred to how she spends so much time with him and then she gets kinda defensive almost and says I don’t know what Im talking about...

I don’t know what to make of her reaction really because I don’t just want to come out and ask her directly but I was just trying to get a read on her because my buddy seemed preoccupied with what she was thinking.


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## FMLuder1013 (Dec 26, 2018)

Nobodyspecial - I’m just worried about my friend, he seriously does not seem well


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Sounds like his spouse and her baby daddy need to find out so they can decide what THEY want to do about all this.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

FMLuder1013 said:


> I agree with what you’re saying completely.
> 
> This guy seems torn because he does seem like he’s genuinely considering divorce but he’s not sure.


If this is true, then he needs to drop his EA and work on his marriage or file for divorce. His relationship with this woman is screwing with his head and his common sense, no matter how much or how loudly he denies it. 




FMLuder1013 said:


> And I really don’t think anything is going to happen physically between them. I just don’t get that impression from all this.


This is very naive. Especially considering what you yourself are currently going through. I think you are holding out hope that people really arent this crappy. Sad to tell you, but they are.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

FMLuder1013 said:


> And I really don’t think anything is going to happen physically between them. I just don’t get that impression from all this.


They're just one Happy Hour away from hooking up.


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## AandM (Jan 30, 2019)

And, this is why I hate work-spouse crap. I've seen three of these types of relationships. All three eventually went physical and all three blew up in a hilariously public manner.

My youngest has Down Syndrome. In his case, there are 3-4 therapy sessions per week. We parent as a team, and I do everything I can but my employment is such that I'm gone 10hrs/day, 5 days a week. My wife telecommutes, and on the days she does go in, her employer is cool with him going in with her. Thus, she shoulders most of the therapy sessions and doctor's appointments. I can't say for certain, but I would wager that your friend has a similar arrangement where his wife shoulders the bulk of the work.

Were my wife and I divorce, I would ensure that she gets primary custody with liberal visitation rights for me. However, even were I to contest that, I'd bet that the judge would reach a very similar custody arrangement. What I'm saying is that I'd bet that should your friend divorce his wife, he will get the same.

Also, child support for disabled children continue into adulthood, unless the child becomes FULLY self-supporting. He might want to take all of that into consideration.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

FMLuder1013 said:


> Nobodyspecial - I’m just worried about my friend, he seriously does not seem well


It really seems like you are engaging in a real life soap opera and digging on the drama. The truth is that this is not an "intriguing situation". This is as common as can be. Person is less than thrilled with marriage but not enough to do anything about it. Person meets someone and rewrites history in his or her head to justify all this nonsense. The two of them try to walk some kind of line until the dude trips and his d*** falls into the woman. And then they look around, dazed, like it was some kind of accident.

This is not new. And it will not end well.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I think your friend could benefit from "Conan" therapy.

Doubtful he could last three rounds with me but being a cheating low life will be pretty low on his list of priorities afterwards.

Every time he heals up and gets frisky as well as stupid enough to cheat again, send him to Conan for another session.

Guaranteed to take the piss out of him for moronic extracurricular activities.😈


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

FMLuder1013 said:


> Wow, lot of strong responses lol
> 
> First of all, I’m not telling anyone about this, that’s why he’s confiding in me. Unless a crime is being committed...I’m not going to run around telling everyone other people’s business...except on here lol
> 
> ...



You are wrong on so many levels.
1. why is he spilling his guts to the OW. He should be spilling his guts to his wife, what a coward
2. He is not reading anything wrong (you are), they are in the middle of an EA soon to be a PA and you my friend are an accessory to the whole drama.
3. For a man who had a cheating wife, I don't know why you are putting up with this **** and not telling him where to go. I suppose you are getting so kibbles by l*iving vicariously through him. *
4. There can be no going out as 'friends', they have long passed that stage, and anyone would be fool to think otherwise. Maybe he should read the book "Not just friends.' Famous last words from her.

5 You should do the decent thing and tell him you don't want to hear about it anymore, or be his 'wing man' while he cheats on his wife.


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## FMLuder1013 (Dec 26, 2018)

Well I have certainly assembled quite the angry mob with this post haven’t I?

So update: Although everybody here seems to hate my guts now as well as my buddy, I figured I update this thread. 

My friend told his wife about what was going on and he moved out. As for the other woman: he is cutting off contact with her and told her they can no longer be friends. As far as I can tell...he spent this past weekend in a hotel room drinking himself into a stupor. So who knows what’s going to happen now...


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

No one hates your guts, FM. 

It’s good that your buddy finally faced reality. I hope things can be resolved for him. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

FMLuder1013 said:


> Well I have certainly assembled quite the angry mob with this post haven’t I?
> 
> So update: Although everybody here seems to hate my guts now as well as my buddy, I figured I update this thread.
> 
> My friend told his wife about what was going on and he moved out. As for the other woman: he is cutting off contact with her and told her they can no longer be friends. As far as I can tell...he spent this past weekend in a hotel room drinking himself into a stupor. So who knows what’s going to happen now...


FMLuder, 'angry mob'? Whatever, you seem to approach most things with apathy, maybe if you got a little bit passionate about something in your own life then you wouldn't be so up in your so-called 'buddy's' life.

To hell you honestly, my heart bleeds not for him. At least he had the balls to tell his wife and as usual, when he sobers up from his drinking binge he will come face to face with the pathetic POS he really is. Sorry, no tears shed here. His betrayed wife will end up shouldering the care for a special needs kid, while he self soothes like a wimp in a hotel room. You know, I hope she realises that she is 20 times better off without him.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

FMLuder1013 said:


> Btw I have approached this girl about my buddy and asked what’s up with the two of them. I asked her “what’s up with you and your guy? “.


That is soooooo junior high school.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Friends with principles and standards for wrong doing have the nerve to tell their friends when they're doing wrong. They don't lap up all this kind of silliness and call it concern or support. They tell them they are doing wrong and not to bring their wrong doing to around anymore. But you don't see anything wrong what they are doing, and that's why you haven't said anything to him and why you keep allowing him to bring his silliness to you. You're really loving it.




FMLuder1013 said:


> Well I have certainly assembled quite the angry mob with this post haven’t I?
> 
> So update: Although everybody here seems to hate my guts now as well as my buddy, I figured I update this thread.
> 
> My friend told his wife about what was going on and he moved out. As for the other woman: he is cutting off contact with her and told her they can no longer be friends. As far as I can tell...he spent this past weekend in a hotel room drinking himself into a stupor. So who knows what’s going to happen now...


None of that makes any sense. He told his wife he was in love with another woman, and then broke up with the other woman? Okay.
He moved out into a hotel? Okay.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

FMLuder1013 said:


> My friend told his wife about what was going on and he moved out.


And where will Romeo be staying once he can no longer afford the luxury of a hotel room AND still pay his mortgage?



> As for the other woman: he is cutting off contact with her and told her they can no longer be friends.


LOL. No he's not. He'll be right back up her ass by tomorrow.

This was like reading some teenage romance novel gone wrong.


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## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

Limerence, it never lasts.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

If coworkers are fooling around or appear to be I remind myself its none of my business.

OTOH you said he has asked you for advice, but I'm not sure exactly what advice he's asked you for.


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