# Why sacrifice your life for a Bipolar or BPD Spouse?



## Sanity

I know the noble and loyal thing to do is to try and help your spouse through mental illness but at what point do you sacrifice so much that there is nothing left of you? 

Specifically why waste good years(youth) of your life on the remote chance that your Bipolar or BPD spouse will be "cured"? Where is the payoff? 

Yes I know this sounds very harsh and selfish but i'm just using my own experience and wanted to get some feedback. With so many other mentally stable potential partners why wait 10-20 years for your partner be cured and destroy who you are in the process?

I ignored all the signs of my wife's emotional instability issues while we dated, we had a son and now i'm trapped with this nightmare. A nightmare that won't seek help or recognize the path of destruction she leaves behind. I love my son but most of the time I wish I could have had him exactly the way he is with another woman.


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## COGypsy

As someone who has bipolar disorder, my answer is there is no payoff.

I think that it is absolutely one thing to be loyal and supportive if someone is trying to get and/or stay better. That is, they take their medication, they do the therapy when needed, they pay attention to themselves and try to catch things before they get out of hand. That's one thing. 

My husband has been great like this. Yes, I've been nutty at many points over the last 10 years, but I always work to get back to center and at the same time, he helps me keep an eye out for trouble too. He's usually the first to tell me if he doesn't think I'm eating or sleeping enough, or if I'm staying out too late or getting unusually "antsy". Then I look at what's going on--is it stress, or am I starting to have a mood swing, do I need to go in for an appointment and see about doing something with my meds or something? I'm sure it sucks for him, but I'm generally always trying to keep an even keel, you know?

It's totally something else when they are aware of the problem and do nothing to treat it or account for their actions that result. If that goes on and on, then you aren't a support system, you're just a martyr to their cause. I'd say that in all but the very worst cases (at least for bipolar disorder, I really know very little about borderline), there's usually a part of the brain that knows what's going on at least some of the time. If they're ignoring or even glorying in the chaos for years on end, there's absolutely not any reason for you to ride along that train wreck.


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## Vienna11

I'm afraid this question is going to be way too open-ended, but what happens if your spouse doesn't do what they're supposed to, like COGypsy describes, and even though you logically know what has to be done, you still have feelings for your spouse?


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## Runs like Dog

Dunno. Why do YOU think. Before I got treated regularly I was hospitalized 3 times, attempted suicide a bunch of times and arrested twice before the age of 16. I haven't had an episode in many many years. But it's always out there - go off the meds - calling to me. It's like being a speedball addict. Take uppers and see blue halos when you're high and drink and lay down in traffic when you're down. 

You have to want to be regular more than you want to be nuts. If not then it ends in jail or the mental hospital or the morgue.


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## Halien

I think that some people with certain mental illnesses are attracted to those who are blindly loyal and protective, even though she assures me that she chose me for my butt. Most of the time, I would never consider leaving my wife. Would I leave her if it was MS, or some 'respectable' disease?

Truth is, other people can't really understand the thought processes that go on, so I won't let others judge me, regardless. I love her because she chose me to be her life partner, but the lives of my friends seem so much more balanced. I think I haven't been the one to initiate intimacy about a dozen times in my marriage, and not a one of them was my wife (yes, I did turn them down every. single. time. dammit - I'm venting!!)


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## Freak On a Leash

Sanity said:


> Specifically why waste good years(youth) of your life on the remote chance that your Bipolar or BPD spouse will be "cured"? Where is the payoff?


So that 10 years later you can become an alcoholic and wreck THEIR life and blame them for everything? 

I don't know..it seems to have worked for my husband. :scratchhead:


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## LVS

Dear Sanity,

To know more about BPD you can visit this link How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves - Roger Melton, M.A.

Also you can check what Uptown wrote on my thread about BPD
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...n/12611-28-years-marriage-what-ca-i-do-2.html

As I know a BDer can be healed with medication but a BPDer needs years of intensive therapy

Hope the links will be helpful to you

Take care of yourself


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## unbelievable

Sanity,

Sometimes I wish those unable to participate fully in a marriage were tattooed prominently on the forehead to prevent healthy people from linking up with them. I'm sorry some folks have drug addictions, violent tendencies, piss-poor childhoods, low self-esteem, various psychiatric or emotional maladjustments, low libido, hangnails or whatever. When someone says "I do" it implies they actually can.


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## Deejo

unbelievable said:


> When someone says "I do" it implies they actually can.


Damn ... that's good. Of course the tragic reality is; "Caveat Emptor." Tough thing to do when love is mixed up in the equation.


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## airplane

I guess I would ask you what have you done to help her in getting better. Not what you have done which would be expected of you; like cleaning, child care, loving her, shopping, etc.

How long have you been by her side, supporting her no matter what.

What if the roles were reversed, how long would you want your wife to stand by you? Or would you be OK for her to just cut/run and take up with the first guy that gives her a thrill between the sheets or on top of the kitchen table?


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## Jamison

I would think if your spouse that has BPD, is bipolar or has any other mental illness, if that person is actually trying to get help, with meds and therapy, etc, then I can see possibly staying. At least they are trying and putting forth some kind of effort. Those that are aware of what they have and choose to do nothing at all, I would think that might be harder to live with.


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## Sanity

unbelievable said:


> Sanity,
> 
> Sometimes I wish those unable to participate fully in a marriage were tattooed prominently on the forehead to prevent healthy people from linking up with them. I'm sorry some folks have drug addictions, violent tendencies, piss-poor childhoods, low self-esteem, various psychiatric or emotional maladjustments, low libido, hangnails or whatever. When someone says "I do" it implies they actually can.


But sometimes people can hide these deal breaking flaws so well that once the ring is on that finger and kids are born they take advantange of spouses belief in "Till Death Do Us Part".


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## COGypsy

Ah yes...but then there's that part about "love, honor and cherish". I'd say that refusing to get treatment or otherwise be accountable for your illness/addiction, what have you breaks that vow they made to you in the same way that any other kind of abuse would. If they deliberately act again and again in a way that negatively affects you and the family you've built together, that is definitely not honoring and cherishing, no matter how many times they say "I love you" on the good days.

Having to live as the target of a mentally ill spouse's rage, guilt trips, depressive pits, financial and who knows what other "indiscretions" in a constant state of flux and chaos becomes every bit as toxic as living with an abuser, I think. 

As many have said, it's one thing when they're doing their best to get or stay better--it can be a struggle for sure!, but when they're running around reveling in the fun of chasing the next mania and swinging back and forth like a monkey between their highs and lows and just expecting you to clean up the fallout---you have every right to have as much respect for yourself as you do for the vows you took.


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## Sanity

airplane said:


> I guess I would ask you what have you done to help her in getting better. Not what you have done which would be expected of you; like cleaning, child care, loving her, shopping, etc.
> 
> How long have you been by her side, supporting her no matter what.
> 
> What if the roles were reversed, how long would you want your wife to stand by you? Or would you be OK for her to just cut/run and take up with the first guy that gives her a thrill between the sheets or on top of the kitchen table?


If our roles were reversed I would tell her to divorce me and find someone who can treat her better than I could in my mental state. Maybe its my conscience talking but I cannot imagine making someones life miserable especially a person I claimed to love and cherish. I get pleasure from seeing people happy and joyful so perhaps on some level its a little selfish. I consider myself a giver but it does disappoint to give and get crap back. 

My spouse is a "taker:"

Emotionally: She knowingly exposes our son and I to her nasty moods and rants without caring that it brings pain, stress and destroys peace.

Intimacy: happens whenever she feels that I have waited enough or spent enough money on date night. No wonder men seek our prostitutes. Its cheaper.

Physically: Even when she hugs me it feels like she's nurturing her own needs. 

To answer your other statement yes absolutely I have been there for her. We have been through three different counselors (she quit after three sessions each time) and even met with a support group because she was hitting the bottle of wine WAY too frequently and she claimed it helped her "calm her nerves." It got to the point that I would get home from work and I could smell the alcohol in her breath. It would disgust me so much I couldn't even be around her. 

I remember watching a Katharine Hepburn interview and she said that it should cause distress or feel uncomfortable to knowingly cause harm to another human being. If it does not then they are mentally ill. My wife knows she causes harm because hours later she will apologize for her destructive behavior. After the 1000th apology would you still believe things will change? 

Ultimately what I'm trying to say to those folks here and out there who are dealing with a Bipolar or BPD spouse, if you had to do it all over again would you do it? Was it worth the years of pain, struggles, tears, etc when you would see other couples who seem to be happy?


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## Sanity

By the way I wanted to thank you all for taking the time to post your thoughts. I appreciate the perspective and enjoy reading them.


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## unbelievable

airplane, 

I suppose if I were a child molesting, alcoholic, drug dealing, triple axe murderer, I would want my wife to stay with me. Doesn't mean it would be wise for her to do so and it wouldn't be loving of me to wish such a life upon her. If a fully capable runner joins your team but twists her ankle on the course, it would be reasonable to carry her to the finish line. It wouldn't be reasonable for her to be crippled but join your track team anyway, hop on your back, and expect you to carry her from start to finish.


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## COGypsy

Vienna11 said:


> I'm afraid this question is going to be way too open-ended, but what happens if your spouse doesn't do what they're supposed to, like COGypsy describes, and even though you logically know what has to be done, you still have feelings for your spouse?


It's like any other difficult situation in marriage. You have to eventually decide what *you* can live with and under what terms. I'd say it's probably not too different than living with an addict in that way. At what point do you decide that your spouse's illness infringes upon your health and happiness too much, whether that illness is mental, alcoholism, drug addiction or whatever? Or does it? Do you leave, do you find some sort of middle ground and just live apart....you just have to work all of that out until you're comfortable with the result, you know? It's hard to give up the feelings, unless you stay too long, I'd imagine and they just get trampled. You just have to do the best you can and try to take care of yourself along the way.


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## ZaysMommy

Oh my gosh I relate to this so much! Been married to my BPD husband for 11 years now. 6 mo in to marriage he started drinking. That went on for a while. Nearly 5 years ago we had our first child during what seemed to be a stable time. Right after our second son he was diagnosed bipolar about 3 years ago. There is no longer a drinking problem since he's been on lithium. . . . now he has been unemployed for a year and a half after getting fired. This whole time has been boo hoo me, I'm so depressed. He is finally going to school but taking only one class. Feels entitled to do this and not work even though we can't afford it. Does NOTHING literally NOTHING to help me at all. Sleeps, watches TV and does FB for hours on end. Stays up all night and has my boys sched all screwed up to the point that I'm putting them in daycare. He constantly wants coddled and affirmed and I'm fed up completely. Finally seeing a therapist. Its just too much!!!! I hung in there for so long thinking it would get better if he stopped drinking....but nothing really has changed.


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## TiggyBlue

My father was bi polar and my mum stuck with him to the end, the payoff for her is it nearly destroyed her. He was a narcissist as well and used his suicidal tendencies to dictate and control everything (he admitted he played on it to get his own way), he cheated and was just plain cruel to her (my mum had been in 2 car accidents and he would purposely drive dangerously till she turned white and would smirk, things like that).

My mum is the most loyal person I have ever know and for someone to abuse that gift and use someones loyalty against them is despicable.
Also being child growing up in that environment is living hell, I turned into a self harmer during my teenage years due to the amount of stress I was under (also having undiagnosed adhd), he ended up seeing me as competition for attention.
My father attempted suicide 2 times and committed suicide when I was 19 leaving my mum with £40.000 worth of debt (from his £200 a week pot habit) and not being able to answer the door fearing it was bailiffs and terrified the house was going to be repossessed.

There are some amazing people who have bi polar and do what they can to get themselves help, and I have the utmost respect for people with BPD who has the strength to get help, but there are some people who will just take, take,take from someone till they are a shell.

From having the childhood I had and seeing just what my mum went through there's is no way in hell I would get with someone who didn't have BPD or any mental illness under control, loyalty is a amazing thing but not to the point you yourself gets destroyed.


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## Uptown

ZaysMommy said:


> He was diagnosed *bipolar *about 3 years ago.


ZM, welcome to the TAM forum. You and your son may be dealing with far more than bipolar disorder. A recent study found that about half of bipolar sufferers also have full blown BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). See Table 2 in Prevalence, Correlates, Disability, and Comorbidity of DSM-IV Borderline Personality Disorder: Results from the Wave 2 National Epidemiologic Survey on Alcohol and Related Conditions. 

I mention this because, for many reasons I've discussed elsewhere, therapists are loath to tell a BPDer patient (much less tell his wife) the name of his disorder. They usually withhold the information for his own protection and will, instead, list only the comorbid conditions (like bipolar, depression, or PTSD) as the diagnosis. For an explanation, see my post at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-official-im-getting-divorced.html#post811909.

It therefore is important that you see YOUR OWN clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is that you and your son are dealing with. Your H's psychologist is ethically bound to protect HIS best interests. Hence, relying on his _psychologist's_ advice during the marriage would be as foolish as relying on his _attorney's_ advice during a divorce. It is prudent to be advised by a professional looking out for YOUR best interests.

The differences between BPD and bipolar traits are HUGE. I say this based on 15 years' experience living with my BPDer exW and over 15 years of taking care of my bipolar foster son. Whereas bipolar usually can be treated quite successfully by swallowing a pill (as LVS says above), BPD is difficult to treat. I identify ten differences between the two disorders at
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ve-without-you-fighting-help.html#post1051089. Take care, ZM.


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## Runs like Dog

Should you and will you are two different questions, no? From the PoV of someone who's experienced long long bouts of severe mental illness that went untreated, another fundamental question is 'if you think, if you feel something's not right, get it addressed because it's tragic to discover late in life you've wasted decades of potential, decades you'll never get back.'


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

Sanity:

You only get ONE life to live.

Your son only gets ONE childhood to enjoy.

If you died tomorrow in a car accident, is THIS how you would have wanted to spend your last 6 months? If "YES", then STAY; if "NO", then LEAVE with your son and find some peace, happiness, and a stable marriage/homelife for your son. You don't want him to grow up and think YOUR marriage is 'normal' and what he should expect/settle for/strive to achieve, do you?


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## scottym

sanity-
I'm a man in your exact situation. Married 14 years, 2 kids, wife has BPD. I've done all I can to help her, support her, get her better, and make things a easy as possible on our kids.

She is not much of a willing participant.

But its destroyed all the love in our marriage. Her illness has caused her to do countless mean and heartless things. I'm convinced I'll never get over them. I'm ready to move on.

Now its just a matter of doing it as cleanly and humanely as possible. Which of course is a overwhelming task.


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## Drover

After 16 yrs of marriage & 2 kids my wife went batsh*t crazy a few months ago. I cannot even fathom that was the same person doing those things. Turns out it was undiagnosed Bipolar I. Worst thing I've ever been thru in my life. Since being in the hospital (twice in three weeks) and getting on medication she has done everything possible, everything I've asked to make sure she stays stable and makes the very best of this she & we can. That includes working on fixing our marital issues.

With that said, I've been very clear she has to do everything possible not to put the kids & me thru that again or all bets are off. I will support her as long as she does what's necessary. 

By the way, her mother is whackadoodle and I had no idea what a silver lining there would be to that. One thing my wife feels very strongly about, is she does NOT want to end up as her mother. lol


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## Holland

This is a subject close to me but from a different angle. My SO's ex is bipolar and I am from a place of little to no experience with anyone with mental health issues so it has been a serious eye opener for me. 

OP you have the right to a happy life as we all do, I hope you find some answers and peace.


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## madnessinlove

I once asked a shrink why she said that my family may actually grow or benefit from caring for someone (me, in this case) that has a mental disorder. I told her, if a horse is lame it is normally 'put out of its misery'. She said that caring for the lame horse, besides the possibility of helping the horse mend, is a growing experience, a selfless act, and, as such, teaches love and charity to both the giver and (hopefully) the recipient. The fact that you think your wife knows she is wrong because she apologizes later seems completely misguided, as in the moment of 'craziness', the bipolar person is absolutely NOT the same person they are during 'normal' periods. When the bipolar person emerges from an episode, they look back at that time with confusion...who was that? why did I say that? DID I really say that? how could I even THINK that? why did suicide, anger, and paranoia seem like all there was at that moment? Example...during a suicide attempt, it may seem like the most normal, sensible thing in the world, no question...but later, maybe days or months later, the person looks back with wonder...what was I thinking? How could it have seemed no more important, no different, than making a sandwich or mailing a letter? It sounds as if your understanding of the illness may be flawed, or incomplete somehow. It is absolutely impossible for someone who has never felt these things to truly understand...but informing yourself about the illness, and how it manifests in those that live with it every moment of every day, may help you to decide your best course of action. Maybe you have to ask yourself...At what point during a physical illness would you leave her? Some patients (of many illnesses) become verbally and/or physically abusive and unpredictable. Dementia is a prime example, at times leaving the ill person in a state of confusion, paranoia, anger, and with abusive tendencies. I agree that yours is not a good situation, but if someone is mentally ill, it isn't very realistic to expect them to simply/willingly get treatment, as (speaking from experience/my own bipolar disorder, and relationships with other 'bipolars') when they are in the midst of an episode, they believe they are 'normal', and when they actually are 'normal', they feel help is not needed, that they have a handle on it, that THIS TIME it will be different. Add to that the often experienced frustration of going through years of therapy and drug trial and error, with the accompanying high hopes that can be crashed each time the therapies/drugs do not work...there comes a time when the ill person just can't face one more time in the hospital, in restraints, trying a new drug that dulls every emotion until zombie-brain settles in, spilling their guts to medical 'professionals' that may or may not have their best interests at heart, pharma companies pushing their newest, most expensive drugs...
What I am trying to say here is that , yes, it can be awful to live day-to-day with a mentally unstable individual, especially when they refuse to get treatment. If it is TRULY in your childs best interest to leave, then it may be necessary to do so, and there are times when this desperate measure can 'force' the untreated to seek treatment again, in order to try to keep their loved ones with them. Keep in mind, though, that you may be telegraphing to your child that 'when the going gets rough, it is time to quit.' Or that it is ok to toss the person he most loves to the curb so you can be happy and carefree. 
Whatever course you decide/have decided upon, put your child first, TRULY, and don't use your child, or use your wifes illness as an excuse to dodge the difficulties that come with your situation. In sickness, and in health is a vow you took when you married. If you wife is really ill, and not just abusive, it is A MENTAL ILLNESS. She is not simply choosing to be mean. If you can leave, taking her (and your) child away from her...without feeling guilty, then perhaps it is justified. If there is something in you that is trying to tell you that it is an 'easy answer', or you feel guilty about it...then it may be that your instincts are telling you that the right thing to do is stay and do your best, making sure that your child gets help as well, to understand that Mom loves him, but she is sick. That the things she says/does are derivative of the illness, and not meant. There are free groups for those who have an mentally ill family member, similar to Al-anon meetings. These groups can be infinitely helpful to family members and friends. Interacting with others in similar situations, and getting to know that the sick individuals behaviors are not caused (nor can they be cured by) the actions of the family members can be a huge relief. The acceptance of the situation can bring an amazing sense of peace, whether living in the same place as the ill person or not. Either way, your child will do much better with some outside support/points of view from people that really understand their situation. :scratchhead: It is a tough question, and a different approach to the answer for each.


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## madnessinlove

Drover said:


> After 16 yrs of marriage & 2 kids my wife went batsh*t crazy a few months ago. I cannot even fathom that was the same person doing those things. Turns out it was undiagnosed Bipolar I. Worst thing I've ever been thru in my life. Since being in the hospital (twice in three weeks) and getting on medication she has done everything possible, everything I've asked to make sure she stays stable and makes the very best of this she & we can. That includes working on fixing our marital issues.
> 
> With that said, I've been very clear she has to do everything possible not to put the kids & me thru that again or all bets are off. I will support her as long as she does what's necessary.
> 
> By the way, her mother is whackadoodle and I had no idea what a silver lining there would be to that. One thing my wife feels very strongly about, is she does NOT want to end up as her mother. lol


 Wow. Your post gives the impression that you are already on your way out. The worst thing YOU have ever been through...A few MONTHS of dealing with it...gee, that must be just awful! No mention of how awful it must have been for her. With an ultimatum and an "OR ELSE" threatening her, I am certain your wife will heal perfectly and quickly OR ELSE!. The fact that you mention her mom being whackadoodle seems coarse and uncaring, and think about it...chemical and mental imbalances are often hereditary. There may be a complicated recovery period here. Sounds like you had better throw in the towel immediately so that you aren't bothered by your wifes illness. Marriage problems? Completely apparent just from your post. It actually does sound as if she would be better off without you. Not without her children...just without you...the person who views her illness as a great inconvenience and threatens her with abandonment. Gee, hopefully you will never have any sort of inconvenient illness. On the other hand...what a perfect learning experience that would be! :lol:


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## outNabout

It really depends on if your spouse is willing to admit there's something wrong, take responsibility, show remorse and admit your experience is also valid. 

If they aren't willing to change, grow or improve then it's a one sided deal that doesn't offer you what you need. 

Maybe you need to look at the patterns that repeat and ask yourself if you can go through it all again? Would you? At some point you might want to stop putting yourself in a position where you keep allowing yourself to be hurt. Are you allowing yourself to be codependent?


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## Hortensia

Sanity, so sorry to read what you're going thru. I really believe every marriage is worth try saving, and I rarely say this, but...if not even MC can help as she quits every time...guess that is time to cut your losses  Be strong and stay sane for your kid.


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## Sanity

unbelievable said:


> airplane,
> 
> I suppose if I were a child molesting, alcoholic, drug dealing, triple axe murderer, I would want my wife to stay with me. Doesn't mean it would be wise for her to do so and it wouldn't be loving of me to wish such a life upon her. If a fully capable runner joins your team but twists her ankle on the course, it would be reasonable to carry her to the finish line. It wouldn't be reasonable for her to be crippled but join your track team anyway, hop on your back, and expect you to carry her from start to finish.


You need to write a book brother. Love reading your posts.


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## unbelievable

Madness, I expect being sent to Dachau in WWII offered character-building opportunities, too. I you just have to paint a happy face on it, all that learning charity stuff is as good as reason as any. In reality, it's damaging, debilitating, and in the very best possible case, the "healthy" spouse gets maybe 80% of a life. I doubt that anyone who suffers from Bipolar would willingly choose the condition, regardless of any potential character-building benefits. Those married to bipolar patients actually do willingly sign up to live with it. I understand the experience is far different for the "healthy" spouse, but it's still pretty bad. They make the choice every day to live with it. I've never heard a "thanks" or an apology. There may be some reward in the Great Beyond for dealing with this stuff but here, the best you'll get is an hour or maybe a day here and there of some sort of normal existence; the kind of hours that other people get 24 of every day. I guess there is a benefit in that it makes the "healthy" spouse actually appreciate these little rare moments of normalcy in ways other people just can't.


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## elad

Having lived with a spouse for 20 years with BPD, I think I can add some insights. When we first married I knew my wife had what seemed like slight depression issues. She was then misdiagnosed for almost 10 years. After a correct diagnosis she has been helped some. For about 10 years her meds have changed almost every 6 months. A few times she has gone manic but typically she ends up back in a funk. One of her major issues is altering doses and even discontinuing them at times. She did this just before our daughters wedding. What a disaster. Along the way I have tried my best to be there, making her go to appointments when things started to trend down. I love her dearly and had hoped to stay with her forever. It is really difficult learning to live with a slightly different person every six months. The BPD spouse does not see this effect on other people. They think they are just up or down. They don't have a perspective to see how their behavior changes and how it affects those around them. I was coping until her most recent course of therapy change. She says she feels really good now. But I see something totally different. The bad part of her most recent med change was the addition of Pristiq. It has made her long for her high school days and her old lost loves. She has made contact with several and I am afraid she is carrying on an online affair. She denies it but in the explanation she leaves out the name of the one person that she accidentally left FB open to one day. The conversation was well beyond flirtatious. Now I am trying to dig deeper into this to decide what to do. I am going to ask for some computer help in different post. 
So to the original question: It is a tough road that does not always lead to a suitable destination. I am regretting every mile of that road and suggest others to take a different route.


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## Uptown

elad said:


> Having lived with a spouse for 20 years with BPD, I think I can add some insights.


Elad, welcome to the TAM forum. Thanks for sharing some of your experiences with us. I note that the mania and depression combination you mention is characteristic of bipolar disorder, not the "BPD" that Sanity mentions in the thread title. "BPD" commonly refers to "Borderline Personality Disorder." As I mentioned in post #20 above, a recent study found that about half of bipolar-1 sufferers also have BPD.


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## elad

Thank you for seeing that, I think I was looking at the subject and typed it by mistake. She is bipolar type 2.


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## b52gnav

elad said:


> Having lived with a spouse for 20 years with BPD, I think I can add some insights.


I'll see your 20 years and raise you 15. I have been married to my Bi-Polar wife for 35 years. At first it was just an annoyance, then she actually got diagnosed 10 years into the marriage but refused to be medicated. Two years later she was over-dosing on over the counter medication, passed out and fell down the stairs... ended up being Baker Acted and spent a while in the psych ward.

Over the next few years there was a salad of medications that were tried on her along with therapy. Her diagnosis included Bi-Polar Depression, Borderline Personality Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and PTSD. She began cutting on herself, over-drinking of alcohol, and over-dosing on OTC meds again. Oh, yea, I was trying to shelter my three children during all of this at the time also. I felt like I was going crazy myself... hiding medication, hiding razor blades and knives. 

She had three or four more visits to psych wards during all of this. I went to see my physician and was diagnosed with Depression and given medication. I was neglecting my health in my trying to take care of my wife's health. For years I had always shied away from arguments/fights over things every day. I was constantly walking on egg-shells around the house and trying to keep the kids in line as well. Eighteen years ago she had brain surgery to remove a cyst in her brain and she lost her short-term memory as a result of the surgery. She can't hold a job and can't drive. Sixteen years ago our sex life ended. 

Finally, we come to today. I've finally had all I can take. I've been her taxi and her memory for all of her medical appointments. I've had no fun in this marriage in the last 26 years. The last 16 we have simply cohabited, I'm done. I'm finally standing up for myself and getting a divorce. Life is too short to live like I have been living, I'm no martyr, I can't do it.


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## anonfrank

I was going to start my own thread here to ask for advice on how to start divorce proceedings for a spouse with seemingly untreatable bipolar, but ran across this one. My wife's current symptoms mimic what is mentioned in the OP. Here's my story/thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/physic...88673-need-some-help-coping-bipolar-wife.html

Since my last post in that thread, she had to be probated and forcibly admitted to the hospital. Despite my telling the psychiatrists that she had paranoid behavior in addition to her manic symptoms, she was discharged only lithium, no other meds, and recently the dose was halved even though the lithium level was subtherapeutic. I've gotten second, third, fourth opinions from experts in mood disorders.

She is resistant to care. She takes medication, but under duress and mostly if I make her. She has NO idea of the effect she has on her family. Her mother had to beg me to stay married to her after this last hospitalization.

I no longer wish to take this abuse. I'd rather be alone. I plan never to marry again. I know I seem selfish, but if being around me makes her so miserable, I'm glad to help her rid herself of me, so she can support herself. Yeah, a judge will make me giver her some money, but it may be well worth it just to get her out of my life and so I can leave my town behind.

What is the best way to approach a divorce becuase of mental illness with a divorce lawyer? I have no idea where to start. Because it can be so easily documented that she is mentally unstable, I'm quite sure I would get primary custody of our son. During the time my wife was hospitalized, I gave him a new routine and he liked it so much that we continued it after my wife came home from the hospital, Therefore, while he would be traumatized by not seeing his mother on a regular basis, there is some precedent.

Thanks for any advice. I just want to plan well before proceeding further.

I have felt love, then loyalty, but I no longer feel any kind of love here. I was considering sticking around another 7-8 years until my son graduates from high school and then exiting, but that seems unrealistic. It's really sad, because I was planning to spend the rest of my life with her originally and would have if she weren't so unpleasant and had a better attitude toward seeking treatment.


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