# Hello to one and all 👋



## JohnnyBravo (4 d ago)

Just signed up to this site to get some sensible perspectives from third parties, and also share my own relationship experiences and learnings from over the years 😵‍💫

I'm looking for a consesus and relationship reality check.

My partner and I want to get married and are intent on having a low-key wedding with just our parents present.

My partner is effectively stipulating we get married on top of a scenic hill/mountain as she doesn't like registry offices/churches etc. I'd be cool with this (I'm also an outdoors person), but my father has health issues and can only walk very short distances, and I suspect one of her own parents might struggle as well.

When I pointed this out, her response was to the effect that "it was her day". Feeling upset, I tried to calmly point out "that other people were also involved in this". She then stormed out. 🤷

For the record, my parents have never done any harm or malice towards her. I think she's not enamoured with my parents as they haven't been able to help us out as much financially-wise over the years, unlike her own generous parents have done.

Overall, I think this reflects a long term trend in this relationships power dynamic. She earns more, and pays substantially towards holidays and household things, I contribute as best as I can (50/50 towards mortgage payments and bills), do a substantial amount of weekly household jobs and show appreciation for large expenditures (token gifts and cards saying thank you), but I am still made to feel beholden to her at times.

I'm frustrated and confused by her thinking. Am I being inconsiderate? I have zero friends, so have no-one to confide with so I'm reaching out to the internet for help.

Cheers!


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

Can I ask why you don’t have any friends? That is a really unhealthy dynamic. Based on this brief description, she doesn’t sound like someone who is going to be “your” person for the rest of your life, ya know, the person that considers you in all things they do, that always has your back, that thinks, “We’ll conquer this thing together.” I personally cringe when I hear a bride talk like that (me, me, me), but from my perspective our wedding was about joining our lives and celebrating with family and friends and it was my absolute pleasure to plan a wedding with the comfort and needs of our guests in mind. Any non-consideration of my beloved father’s health limitations would have had me reevaluating the whole thing.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

"Stormed out" is a troubling way to begin a marriage.

What healthy boundaries are you willing to put into place? Any boundary you use cannot be wishy-washy or it will fail.

I say "you" because these are not for anyone but you... these are shared very clearly of course as anything that limits a relationship's communications will bring suffering.


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## Dormatte (4 mo ago)

JohnnyBravo said:


> Just signed up to this site to get some sensible perspectives from third parties, and also share my own relationship experiences and learnings from over the years 😵‍💫
> 
> I'm looking for a consesus and relationship reality check.
> 
> ...



It's your day and life as well.

Your input is just as equally important.

If she's like this ... she's just in it for the "party", attention, food, drinks, and gifts.


The reality of marriage and mundane life will be unsatisfactory and disappointing to her afterwards.

The fact that she's not going to be transported to some fairy tale, magical land where life and marriage will be "happily ever after" will be a disappointment to her afterwards.

I would marry someone who truly respects me. Someone inclusive, and cares about compromising and wanting to make the day and marriage special for me as well.


I wouldn't marry someone like this.

Put your foot down, and stop letting her boss you around. Your input matters too.

Don't marry her.

End things.

She could care less about you and your needs and requests. 

She doesn't care about your family either.

Her only concern is herself and what she wants to do only.


This is just the beginning to the long road of misery you will face if you stay


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

JohnnyBravo said:


> Just signed up to this site to get some sensible perspectives from third parties, and also share my own relationship experiences and learnings from over the years 😵‍💫
> 
> I'm looking for a consesus and relationship reality check.
> 
> ...


Welcome to TAM!
I see two concerns.

First the obvious, her response to not getting her way. That's a bad sign, but in her defense, everyone can have a moment. If she realizes she overreacted and comes to you trying to work it out then maybe it's not such a concern.

Second is your relationship overall. You mentioned the power dynamic and I agree. She earns more than you and it looks to me like you are trying to compensate for that. It even looks like you don't feel adequate at times with it.

This is setting up a concerning situation. You can read many scenarios on TAM where men in your situation were eventually looked down on by their wives and ultimately the marriage ended. I'm not trying to say that's true in your case but it's a concern from this internet stranger. The 'power dynamic' is not in the ideal state for a healthy marriage imho.

Best of luck to you!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

JohnnyBravo said:


> Just signed up to this site to get some sensible perspectives from third parties, and also share my own relationship experiences and learnings from over the years 😵‍💫
> 
> I'm looking for a consesus and relationship reality check.
> 
> ...


Do not marry her. She isn't ready at all. She needs to grow the hell up or you need to find yourself a GAW.


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## Dormatte (4 mo ago)

She would just reconsider and have it at a church with ramps and accomodations for the disabled.
Also she would agree to a service lasting an hour or less.
So it won't hopefully be too tiring and a strain.


Maybe rent or gift (if can afford) (if he would be open to one)an electric chair for your father..


She's not willing to work with you because she's not wife or relationship material (currently).


It's her party and show and she'll demand and throw fits all she wants to.


I think you know that this relationship needs to end..


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

JohnnyBravo said:


> Just signed up to this site to get some sensible perspectives from third parties, and also share my own relationship experiences and learnings from over the years 😵‍💫
> 
> I'm looking for a consesus and relationship reality check.
> 
> ...


It's not going to be much of a wedding if there's no one there to see it. You have to take family into consideration if you're going to invite family and not just be on the outs with them. Older people are handicapped people are not going to be able to do that and they're going to be very hurt if they are your parents..

You know there are people who have two ceremonies. Of course that gets expensive. But there are people who get married in front of their family and people who elope to get married. 

If you don't get any saying this you're sure not going to have much say in the married life so I would be considering this a serious obstacle. By the way is she talking about paying for all her friends lodging to be there?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Have you tried talking to her parents and explaining the situation to them? Maybe they have some influence over her.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Hi, @JohnnyBravo 

If your fiancée has her marriage up a mountain, it would not be legally binding under UK law, so wouldn't be valid. It needs to be either in a church or in as registry office.

Who does your wife want to officiate at the wedding?

This all appears to be what she wants and ****** everyone else.

When you said she "stormed off" I have to admit this image formed in my mind:-









You wanna marry Veruca Salt?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Hi, @JohnnyBravo
> 
> If your fiancée has her marriage up a mountain, it would not be legally binding under UK law, so wouldn't be valid. It needs to be either in a church or in as registry office.
> 
> ...


Veruca!!!!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Veruca!!!!


Charlie and the Chocolate Factory reference. Played by Julie Cole. The tantrum gif describes a fiancé storming out, I think.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Charlie and the Chocolate Factory reference. Played by Julie Cole. The tantrum gif describes a fiancé storming out, I think.


I got the reference. I thought Veruca was pretty cute when I was a young lad.

She just needed a spankin!😈😉


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