# How would you handle a friend(s) who has an std but sleeps around anyway?



## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

A good friend of mine told me two years ago she has herpes and Hpv (she has had both precancerous cells on her cervix and genital warts). She was distraught and confided in me. Time goes by and it's never brought up again. She has always dated a lot...and continued doing so. I would hear all about her great sex with so and so and always felt sick remembering that she had stds. One day I couldn't take it and told her I'm concerned for the men she is sleeping with....especially the Hpv strain she has that can cause cervical cancer. She said something along the lines of that not mattering bc the men she sleeps with don't have a cervix duh. True....but down the line that man is going to have a wife and kids someday and what if she gets the cancer?! I asked her how she could knowingly do that but she gave a sob story about what is she supposed to do, never have sex again? Agh! Now...a really good guy friend of mine keeps telling me how he wants to ask her out and if I can arrange a setup somehow. Sooooo how involved should I be getting here? Makes me sick, really. Has anyone ever said to,you "oh btw I have this std, are you cool with that?"


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

It does affect men too. It probably has a lot to do with prostate cancer and throat cancer.

All a good reason not to sleep around. You can count on at least a few selfish people.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well, I would tell the guy what you know. It's up to him to decide what he wants to do. For all you know he's got the STDs as well.

People who knowingly spread STDs are reprehensible humans.


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## humanbecoming (Mar 14, 2012)

larry.gray said:


> It does affect men too. It probably has a lot to do with prostate cancer and throat cancer.
> 
> All a good reason not to sleep around. You can count on at least a few selfish people.


If I remember right, there was a study about this. They are starting to recommend boys get vaccinated against hpv also now.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

Maybe I'm overthinking this, but stds are so common...yet everyone still seems to be having sex. I do wonder how people with herpes etc handle their sex life after being diagnosed. Do they tell their partner(s) and that partner says they are willing to have sex anyway?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Just had a friend diagnostd with neck cancer that the dr told him was from hpv.

55yrs old 6months of treatment .no smell and taste and still can't eat solid food. the dr told him its 99% curable.

tell your friend shes tainted with disease. and save him from future harm.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm in the camp of unless you live under a rock you're aware of the risks of sleeping around. I would step away from this situation and not tell but I would NOT set her up with anyone either.

Lots of people care more about getting their needs met than worrying about the consequences. This is from the one infected and the one who just wants to get laid.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

I wouldn't tell the guy but I wouldn't set them up on a date either. Just step away from that one.

I have a single friend who I'm not close to but was told by someone else she has an std and that she doesn't tell her partners. Or at least didn't on one occassion. I have no idea if it's true or not but I've never looked at her the same since. And she is a very attractive, white collar professional and a good mom.

Aren't there websites or something for people with herpes to hook up with each other?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I'm sorry for her but I couldn't be friends with someone who knowingly spread this stuff around.
This person has some serious issues if she thinks it's ok to sleep around with hpv and herpes.How selfish is she???
I can't wait for the day when someone can be charged or fined for giving another person an std.I think it already happened to HIV but I think it should include ALL stds personally.
I bet she would keep her legs closed if she was looking at a $5000 fine for spreading her std to someone else.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

HPV. Isn't that extremely common? Isn't that why they're now vaccinating young people against it?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Thank goodness I got married at the time I did.
Really scary on the outside right now.

If I had such a " friend ",he or she would no longer be my " friend."
That type of behaviour is extremely narrow minded & selfish.

Funny thing is that people like that usually consider themselves
" open minded ", blah, blah, blah........


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

The sad thing about the fining people for spreading it. There is no test to tell if a man has HPV unless he's got visible warts on his penis (and someone correct me if I'm wrong, I don't think the strains that cause cancer, cause warts?). So the ones that will probably be fined will be women who sleep with guys who have it and find out later on she was exposed at some point. I doubt very many men would be "punished" if they fined passing on HPV.

But I agree, people who knowingly pass on STD's are awful people. That's why I've always tested for everything that can be tested for at every pap I've ever had. Along with blood draws. One can never be sure. And I think they should (if they don't already) jail people who knowingly pass on HIV.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

I've had an std before  From my oldest sons father. I'm not ashamed to say I do look down on people who KNOW they have an std and don't give a crap about not spreading it. I don't, however, look down on those who do know they have it, tell their partner they have it, and together they decide whether to risk possible exposure. As long as they inform their partner, there is no wrong doing. But taking that choice away from someone, because they're too selfish to think of anyone other than themselves, that's when I have the problem.


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## sweetpea (Jan 30, 2007)

Hpv is very common STI. CDC says "at least 50 percent of sexually active men and women get it in some point in their lives."


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Hmmm. Trying to figure out what I'd do. But here's how I look at it.

What would you do if your first friend confided in you that she has a problem with credit, and has racked up a huge debt. What would you tell the friend that was interested in her? For me, I'd just say that I didn't think they were a good match and leave it at that. I wouldn't spill all the details I knew, regardless of which one was a "better friend". After all, I would expect friend #2 to be responsible for their own well being (financially, sexually, emotionally).

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

PBear said:


> For me, I'd just say that I didn't think they were a good match and leave it at that.


:iagree:


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Your FRIEND brought you in on this.
That is something she confided in you and TRUSTS YOU with.
Dont break that.
There are many things in this world to be left out of and that is one of them, unless you plan on having sex with her, i wouldnt worry to much about her choices. 
She is grown knows what she is doing and if the other person is that worried about std's he wouldnt be having sex.
Im pretty sure thats not the first thing on everyones mind when they go to lay dow nwith someone.

i work with a great friend who has herpes 2.
she has sex with partners.
and guess what...
SHE is totally awesome! doesnt make me think any less of her with what she does in HER personal affairs.
thats none of my concern.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

bkaydezz said:


> Your FRIEND brought you in on this.
> That is something she confided in you and TRUSTS YOU with.
> Dont break that.
> There are many things in this world to be left out of and that is one of them, unless you plan on having sex with her, i wouldnt worry to much about her choices.
> ...


But I know my friend does no tell the guys she sleeps with what she has. She has told me this. I just think its disgusting to have lack of regard for other people.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

i have no issues with people who have STI's.my issue is people who are deceptive about it.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

*Reads thread*

*Sees people defending having STDs and warning a person of what their potential partner may have is wrong?*


Wtf? If I had a friend who knew some chick I was scoping out had the clap I'd sure as hell like to know about it!

I'm educated on the matter and quite frankly its disgusting to think of the disease ridden people walking around having sex without dropping a notice of their condition. 

I need exams before I'll get into a bed.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

Well I'm going to address it head on with her. If she remains in her same position on the issue....I'll bring it up to him. I would rather not stand around and support bad behavior...even if that makes me a "bad" friend. I hope to god the people in my life wouldn't settle for bad behavior either. 
Dez you dont get it. Seriously. It has nothing todo with her having the std's. Hell ya I think differently of people who have no regard for other human beings. 

Think I just realized this friendship is over.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

Suesmith 
That's great that you maintain your integrity despite it leading to dead ends. Good things will come to you one day!


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## suesmith (Jan 5, 2012)

I deleted my post, but I guess since you responded, I better put it back. 

Ok, I have herpes. Got diagnosed about 4 years ago. Both my DH and I have it. But, I am now single so am having to deal with the 'talk.' I have been on a dating site and good grief, its been frustrating.

I meet men, talk online for awhile, and when things start going well, I send them an email and give them the news. Most of them have totally disappeared, some still talk, but are afraid of getting involved. Its horribly depressing and embarrassing. I'm not willing to not tell people, I have to look at myself in the mirror every day and I couldnt do that if I exposed someone without their knowledge. But I gotta say, it sucks a lot when people are misinformed and make all these harsh judgments. And I am not ready to be celibate. So I keep trying. But I am to the point where I have to take a break. Its no picnic. 

The thing is, about 25% to 30% of people walking around out there have herpes, but dont know it. The go merrily on their way, doing what they want, not knowing that they could be spreading the disease every time they have sexual contact with someone. 

I, on the other hand, know I have it and take medication daily to keep it suppressed. The risk of 'sharing' it with a partner is minimal if the person who has it takes the medication and the couple uses condoms. (something like 1% to 3% chance of transmitting it)

So, who is the safer partner? I agree, the person who doesnt have it is safer. But the reality is, you never really know if someone has it or not. (And neither do they!)

So, unless you have been tested, you really dont know if you have it or not. Your harsh judgments might just come back to bite you in the ass someday.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

missymrs80 said:


> Vulnerable, humiliating....I was simply acknowledging what you said. Suddenly reminded why I hate email fb texting....you never know people's tone of voice or facial expression on the other end.
> 
> Anyway your experience with the sti diagnosis is EXACTLY why I am so emotional  about being in the situation I am in. My two friends met bc of me....and the guy is a great friend too...so how can I sit back and watch that happen knowing that it is something upsetting to find out.


 
I think I see where you're coming from. You feel guilty not telling your male friend to be careful. The fact that you know she has the std's and still sleeping around bothered you but now her behavior has put you in a position of WHAT SHOULD I DO because now she could get close and possibly give this to your male friend. Then the male friend may THEN come to you and blame you for not telling him.... You are looking at worse case scenario and i understand but it is a hard position to be in as far a friendship and confidentiality. 

Maybe you should go to your friend and be honest. You can say you dont like how she sleeps around with no regard to others life not disclosing her status. Let her know that you're concerned and if she was to ever date a male friend close to you that she better tell him or you will. Now, from what you've discribed of her, be ready for her to say she will say something to him (when and if they do date) but dont expect her to simply by her saying she will tell him.

As far as the male friend. Tell him, that you are not playing matchmaker because when some mess go down you dont want to be blamed. Saying that right there should let him know enough to know he aint dealing with Queen innocent. 
:scratchhead: and


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

I don't know if it's been said because I haven't re-read every post, but:

For me the dynamics changed when I read that the guy is a close friend of yours.

How about going to the woman friend and telling her that she has to tell the man AND tell HIM to inform YOU that he has been clued in. If you don't hear from him in the next 7 days that he's been told, you're going to tell him yourself.

You can't stop her from infecting strangers, but you can act to protect your own friend. You give her the chance to do the right thing before you act.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

jaharthur said:


> I don't know if it's been said because I haven't re-read every post, but:
> 
> For me the dynamics changed when I read that the guy is a close friend of yours.
> 
> ...


Ya this is what I was thinking about doing. I really care about her ( and the guy too) and she is often selfish in her relationships and it's left her hurt and alone many times. I don't think she is even really aware of her selfishness at times. This situation is really the only time her behavior came up in our friendship. She looses friends a lot and I don't think she really gets why. It's hard to see her go through that...and sabotaging relationships without any awareness as to what actually contributed to the end of any of her relationships/friendships. ...she has told me that so doesnt get what happens numerous times. Are relationship is such that I feel I can approach her in the way you described.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I'm afraid I couldn't be friends with someone who knowingly and selfishly spreads these viruses around.


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## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

I havent read every single post here. But I was 19 when dating my husband. I contracted herpes from him. He didnt tell me beforehand. I really wished he or someone else would of prepared me. 

You're male friend needs to know. 
Have a nice chat with your female friend about your concerns of your male friend, keep bugging her in a non confrontal way. If she knows you're pressuring, I'm sure she will tell him. 
The discussion shouldnt be IF she should tell him, but when will she tell him.

When I divorce and want to date again, that's a big question I have. When do you tell the guy?


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## suesmith (Jan 5, 2012)

I would never keep from telling a potential partner I had an STD, but I understand why some might not want to. That 'talk' is extremely hard to do and makes you feel like a leper. Even if someone is informed and understands, that first response is horrible. 

For someone young and in the dating scene, it would be a nightmare. Thinking that if you told one person, everyone you know would all of a sudden find out and you would be either the laughing stock of your circle of friends, or viewed as damaged goods and someone to stay away from at all costs. 

Its hard, very very hard. At my age, I do it because I cant 'not do it,' but I understand how someone younger might decide its not worth the risk, embarrassment and humiliation to tell. 

This girl needs a wake up call, but humiliating her isnt the way to do it. 

Oh, and keep seeing people accusing others of being rude in this thread. Ummm... I havent seen it. But I guess I am used to other forums where people say what they think, so this seems very tame to me.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Wow! Ninety-four posts were deleted. Sorry to see so much work for naught.  There was no need to go into so much discussion over STD's. Please stick to the topic and keep posting respectful. 

The original topic was over the dilemma the original poster finds herself in because it involves two close friends.


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## suesmith (Jan 5, 2012)

WOW...really heavy moderation here! I'm sorta shocked.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

suesmith said:


> WOW...really heavy moderation here! I'm sorta shocked.


Several of the posts were inappropriate so I am not. I'm glad they are deleted. I think I have more clarity on my situation after re-reading the posts that were not deleted. So thank you to the moderator. And thanks to all who posted helpful answers and didn't attack me  it felt good to process my dilemma bc it really has been weighing heavy on me.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

missymrs80 said:


> Well I'm going to address it head on with her. If she remains in her same position on the issue....I'll bring it up to him. I would rather not stand around and support bad behavior...even if that makes me a "bad" friend. I hope to god the people in my life wouldn't settle for bad behavior either.
> Dez you dont get it. Seriously. It has nothing todo with her having the std's. Hell ya I think differently of people who have no regard for other human beings.
> 
> Think I just realized this friendship is over.


The thing is, Missy, someone who is so irresponsibly selfish and deceptive over something as serious as this, is likely to be the same in other areas of their lives. Frankly, I don't want to be around people like that.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

Tell the man " You can speak to her if you want to, but she has a health issue that can be contagious". 

Question for you. Would you let someone with herpes have a hug and kiss greeting with your loved ones? Would you let her kiss your child on the forehead or cheek? Would you drink after her from a glass? I'm not saying you would catch something, but how awkward or uncomfortable it would be for you because of the fear of catching it. 

IMHO. What your trifling friend is doing is no different then people infected with HIV that continues to have sex without informing there partners. She is avoiding the reality of her situation.

Now imagine the men she is having sex with. Sure they may be strangers, but they could be sleeping with someone else you might know later on. You know where I'm going with this.

:allhail:


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, being that she KNOWS she is infected and isn't really giving a crap, she is a public threat.

Isn't there some place you can call for these things? And I'd tell her dates. Sad thing is, I don't believe HPV is tested for in men.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Ok - I guess my big question is, does she use protection? She's going to have herpes for the rest of her life - not much she can do about it now (for herself).

As far as HPV - I was told that everyone gets it at one time or another... That said, does she know if the warts are a strain of HPV or herpes? (Might be a dumb question, as I know both can cause them).

Next POV is that if the men she's sleeping with are trusting enough to have unprotected sex with her then they're obviously willing to take chances.

As for the friend - I would let him set himself up. I wouldn't divulge her personal information to him, I don't think.

I don't know if I would want to be friends with someone you describe, either, but then again there is probably more to her then what you've posted here...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Well, being that she KNOWS she is infected and isn't really giving a crap, she is a public threat.
> 
> Isn't there some place you can call for these things? And I'd tell her dates. Sad thing is, I don't believe HPV is tested for in men.


Nope, there is no test for HPV in men, even though they can carry it and spread it to their partners. Kind of scary, actually... 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Airbus (Feb 8, 2012)

missymrs80 said:


> A good friend of mine told me two years ago she has herpes and Hpv (she has had both precancerous cells on her cervix and genital warts). She was distraught and confided in me. Time goes by and it's never brought up again. She has always dated a lot...and continued doing so. I would hear all about her great sex with so and so and always felt sick remembering that she had stds. One day I couldn't take it and told her I'm concerned for the men she is sleeping with....especially the Hpv strain she has that can cause cervical cancer. She said something along the lines of that not mattering bc the men she sleeps with don't have a cervix duh. True....but down the line that man is going to have a wife and kids someday and what if she gets the cancer?! I asked her how she could knowingly do that but she gave a sob story about what is she supposed to do, never have sex again? *Agh! Now...a really good guy friend of mine keeps telling me how he wants to ask her out and if I can arrange a setup somehow. Sooooo how involved should I be getting here? Makes me sick, really. Has anyone ever said to,you "oh btw I have this std, are you cool with that?"*


Well, the obvious thing here (and I don't see any replies stating this) would be to just stay out of it. Might be a good thing to MYOB at this point....


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Isn't that a criminal offence, infact a felony?

Tell your friend she maybe charged with infected sexual battery.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

Let's test the people who advise MYOB with a hypothetical.

You have a good friend. He confides in you that he is HIV-positive. He also admits that he doesn't inform anybody of his status.

A couple of months after this conversation, you learn he has asked your sister out.

Do you break his confidence or let your sister fend for herself?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

jaharthur said:


> Let's test the people who advise MYOB with a hypothetical.
> 
> You have a good friend. He confides in you that he is HIV-positive. He also admits that he doesn't inform anybody of his status.
> 
> ...


wow that's heavy and raises a very excellent point...

i'm thinking the MYOB should be case by case perhaps.I don't think the situation is so black n white.There are lots of gray areas here.


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

There was recently a guy in my state who was sued for something like 1 million $$$ for not disclosing having herpes, and infecting the lady he had casual sex with. I don't think any criminal charges were brought against him, just the lawsuit for pain and suffering. HOwever, I think there is a HUGE portion of the population who has it, and does not know it, because the test for herpes is a totally separate blood test then the one you get when you ask for an std screening. I don't know why they don't just incorporate it with the rest, but they don't. People can be asymptomatic carriers too, never having a symptom but still able to spread it. 

I honestly feel so badly for your friend, and can completely relate. I don't know how long she's had it, but when I first found out I had hsv2 and hpv, I was SO angry at all men. I too slept around without telling. I have not had sex since I started disclosing. Turns out men don't actually want to be just friends after learning such info even though they say they do.


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## Airbus (Feb 8, 2012)

Sorry, but if you're going around having casual sex, don't cry later on when you pick up an STD. It's a chance we all take as sexually active adults.

For whoever asked about the HIV, that's a little different; like someone else said, case by case, too many gray areas!

There's quite a difference between HIV and a case of herpes. Unpleasant, but not the same risk as HIV...


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Airbus said:


> Sorry, but if you're going around having casual sex, don't cry later on when you pick up an STD. It's a chance we all take as sexually active adults.
> 
> For whoever asked about the HIV, that's a little different; like someone else said, case by case, too many gray areas!
> 
> There's quite a difference between HIV and a case of herpes. Unpleasant, but not the same risk as HIV...


so only the ones that can kill you matter all the other ones are fair game .....just wrap it up and all is ok!


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## MrsKy (May 5, 2012)

I don't think that STD's only come from having casual sex. 

I'm sure some people pick those up from stable partners as well.


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## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

suesmith said:


> I deleted my post, but I guess since you responded, I better put it back.
> 
> Ok, I have herpes. Got diagnosed about 4 years ago. Both my DH and I have it. But, I am now single so am having to deal with the 'talk.' I have been on a dating site and good grief, its been frustrating.
> 
> ...



I have a thread about me facing what your going through once I get divorced. (probably one of the reasons I stayed in an unhappy marriage so long). Someone posted this site on my thread; I haven't really looked into it myself. I'm still dealing with planning to leave and file D. But am keeping it for future reference.

They say it's a good site with nice people. 
Online Dating Services For People With Herpes | Dating With Herpes.org


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