# Im ready to be happy. How do i do this?



## Just-Jennfer (Jan 12, 2022)

Hey all 

It's been a while since I posted. I have been through some super hard times. Divorce has really took its toll on me and my children. 

That being said I'm so ready to move on with my life. 
The thought of being with my soon to be ex husband isn't appealing to me at all! 

Although I do feel cross that I'm left to bring up the kids alone. With no help or support. No child maintenance. We are happy. The kids miss their dad but I can't force him to want to be with them. His choice. It's complicated but he basically refused to get any help or see he has a problem. He has been diagnosed with scitzophrenia 
I have now got a non molestation order. 
He shows no interest in the children just his obsession with me. I have tried many many times and no longer can. 


I'm studying again. 
Hoping to go university.
I have a job too cleaning. ( I love to clean 🙂) 
I'm working out 3 to 4 times a week. 
Eating better. 
Taking care of my self better. Overall getting there. 


His parents have chosen to now completely ignore their own grandchildren. 
It's really sad but I can't control their actions, they have chosen to be absent for whatever reason. 
I feel sad for my children..


We have nobody at all. 
But we are happy. 

How do you know when your ready to meet someone else? 

I have been separated 18 months now and while I'm happy on my own I do feel ready to move on. 
Is this too soon? 
My divorce will be done in a matter of weeks. It's just paperwork at this point. 

I know for sure I'm never going back to that miserable life of being taken for granted. Unappreciated unloved and abused. 
NEVER!

How will I know if I'm ready to meet someone else ?

Do I need to go and start actively looking?

Do I do nothing ?
and hope or see if someone decided they are Interested?

I'm nervous and it's been nearly 2 decades since I dated. 
I'm only in my mid 30s. 
I feel ready but then I start to think oh wait. I have 4 kids 3 young and 2 with additional needs autism mainly and I sit an think to myself. Wow. I have so much baggage.

I love my children and they come first but it's alot or anyone to take on. I Evan struggle and I'm there mum. That being said it can be overwhelming being a single mum with no support but we get by and we are happy. 
I think to myself who is going to take all that on?

Is this all normal? 
How I feel. ?
If anyone can help guide me through this confusing time I would be so greatful. 

Thank you 😊


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I was married for 25 years and it was 4 years before I felt emotionally ready to date again after the marriage ended very suddenly and traumatically. 
I then went onto a dating site, I wasn't interested in anything casual, I wanted to marry again. 2 years later I met my now husband of 16 years.
You are nearly divorced and have been apart for 18 months, if you feel ready then go for it.
My children were older, the youngest 14 when the marriage ended so they were all young adults by the time I met my husband so it was easier that way not needing sitters.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

One little piece of wisdom I was given when I was young and always moaning over some guy is, "When you get tired of being miserable, you'll stop."

Now, that's simplistic when talking about a major relationship where you built a life together, but generally, there is something to opting to be happy when possible. Each night before you go to bed, think of something to look forward to tomorrow. If there is nothing, then you have to resolve to do something deliberately to make yourself happy. 

If you have trouble with repetitive thoughts, not being able to stop thinking about the old situation even though you've given it plenty of time to sort it out, but it's just still unresolvable, another thing to do before bedtime is allot 2 minutes and only two minutes to run the bad situation over in your head. This is especially useful to stop dreaming about it. During that time, just ask yourself, Is there anything further I can do to change this? Is there anything that would resolve it in any way? If there is something you can do to further resolving it, then resolve to do so. If there isn't, understand that you are powerless to do anything about it and, therefore, it is a waste of time to keep pondering it because it's a dead end. This is just a little discipline to remind yourself that it is what it is and reality is nothing you can do about it. Just need to accept it, and move on.

If your problem is you keep having positive thoughts about the ex even though turns out he wasn't so great after all, for every good thought you have about him, stop yourself and think of three bad things. I had to do this to get over a guy one time. It was a daily reminder he wasn't my knight in shining armor, no matter how much I wished he was.


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## justaguylookingforhelp (Nov 4, 2021)

I think the dating thing really comes down to how you feel, if you feel ready. I know that is a cop out answer, but I think it is true. I know some people who dated before their divorce was finalized, dated right after it was finalized, or waited until years afterward. 

In my case, my divorce was just finalized (which I know you are aware of because you commented on the thread) and I am emotionally ready to date, but I'm honestly just not interested. I just want to do things for myself for a while and be selfish. So I'm going to wait a while longer. You may be emotionally ready now and in that case I think the method to meeting people is entirely up to you as well. I know people who swear by dating apps. You might have to filter out some of the folks just looking for hook ups, but it can be an easy way to meet people who are looking for similar things, are in your area, etc. It might be a good place to start to dip your toes in the dating pool.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

The other thing to remember is that when you first meet a person and are dating, that is almost never the real true person's personality. It takes a couple of years to get to know someone if not more. You have to see them when they're not getting their way and are unhappy and how they deal with life's challenges. 

So a lot of women I know cling to what he was like when they first met him and how nice and loving he was when they first met him and think that that is the real person and just keep thinking something will happen and he'll magically go back to being that person, so they wait and wait and hope and hope. 

That never was the real person. The longer you know a person, the most recent version is the truest version of that person.


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## Just-Jennfer (Jan 12, 2022)

justaguylookingforhelp said:


> I think the dating thing really comes down to how you feel, if you feel ready. I know that is a cop out answer, but I think it is true. I know some people who dated before their divorce was finalized, dated right after it was finalized, or waited until years afterward.
> 
> In my case, my divorce was just finalized (which I know you are aware of because you commented on the thread) and I am emotionally ready to date, but I'm honestly just not interested. I just want to do things for myself for a while and be selfish. So I'm going to wait a while longer. You may be emotionally ready now and in that case I think the method to meeting people is entirely up to you as well. I know people who swear by dating apps. You might have to filter out some of the folks just looking for hook ups, but it can be an easy way to meet people who are looking for similar things, are in your area, etc. It might be a good place to start to dip your toes in the dating pool.



That's super scary


DownByTheRiver said:


> The other thing to remember is that when you first meet a person and are dating, that is almost never the real true person's personality. It takes a couple of years to get to know someone if not more. You have to see them when they're not getting their way and are unhappy and how they deal with life's challenges.
> 
> So a lot of women I know cling to what he was like when they first met him and how nice and loving he was when they first met him and think that that is the real person and just keep thinking something will happen and he'll magically go back to being that person, so they wait and wait and hope and hope.
> 
> That never was the real person. The longer you know a person, the most recent version is the truest version of that person.


That is good solid advice. Thank you


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