# Question for men - initiating intimacy



## TSRC (Mar 31, 2013)

I am really trying to figure out if my sex life is normal, not completely normal, or very dysfunctional. 

I know that most men get turned on things like lingerie, short skirts, and stockings (at least my husband does) but is the ONLY time you initiate sex with your wife is when she is wearing these things? 

This has been a long standing issue in my marriage, because I have always had to initiate sex with my husband, he NEVER does. I think some of this stemmed from a time I was sexually assaulted in college, when he waited for me to initiate things with him when I was ready. It took about 9 months, but eventually I had healed enough to be ready to initiate sex with him again. The problem is, from that point, I ALWAYS have had to initiate sex. No offense, but my assault was in 2000, this is 2013 now, you would think 12 years would be enough for him to change, and we've been married for 11 years.

I'm in counseling for some other issues, but we end up talking about my marriage a lot. She asked me what makes me feel sexy, and I honestly couldn't answer her, because if your husband never initiates sex with you, how can you feel sexy? I am overweight, but I've always been, and he says he loves the fact that I have big breasts, shapely hips, and a big bottom. I'm probably within about 10 pounds my marriage weight, while he is about 100 pounds more than his marriage weight. Yet I still initiate sex with him, I guess because I crave it a lot more than he does. 

We've been going through some issues lately, and I had originally brought up the idea of separation, but he is doing what he can to improve on other areas. Except sex! Now he has had performance issues for over a year and thank goodness he'll be going to a doctor on Tuesday to talk about this. But there are other things we can do other than just intercourse, and he's only had these problems for about 1 to 1 1/2 years - he was able to perform just fine earlier in our marriage, he just has never initiated it. When I brought up separation, he said he wanted to work on our intimacy. So I bought some sexy lingerie, and last weekend we took a shower together, I put on the lingerie, which he said he LOVED, he brought me to orgasm, I performed oral on him. He still couldn't complete intercourse, but I didn't care, we had fun. Yet all of this week, nothing from him! How are we going to change if I still have to be the one initiating with him?

The point of that long story is that I want to know if you ever initiate sex with your wives, even if she's not wearing the most sexy thing in the world. I mean really, he doesn't wear anything special either, just a t-shirt and some pants or shorts until bedtime. After work I usually slip into a t-shirt and comfortable pants, and after my kids go to bed I'll usually take of my bra and pants and just wear a t-shirt. I've gone over and shaken my bare boobs in his face, just to see if he'd use that as a chance to initiate something with me, but nothing.  I'm tired of being the one to initiate everything, and I just wanted to get a male point of view on this (or any females who go through this too).


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Being over weight as much as your H is can be extremely detrimental to his sex drive. His Testosterone level has got to be low because of this. He must go see a urologist ASAP and get tested. Then he needs to work on his diet and exercise.


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## TSRC (Mar 31, 2013)

MrBrains said:


> Being over weight as much as your H is can be extremely detrimental to his sex drive. His Testosterone level has got to be low because of this. He must go see a urologist ASAP and get tested. Then he needs to work on his diet and exercise.


Do you know if these tests can be run by a regular doctor or will he need to see a specialist?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Yes I work in surgery so my default is to specialist. I would not and I don't go to a GP for treatment for this problem. Yes I have it due to my age.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Wow, in my home, it is me that initiates sex almost 98.99% of the time. I wish my wife would do this more. Can you call her????

I think your husband might have low testosterone issues, and if that is true, he isn't thinking about sex as much. Not your fault at all. He also might be embarassed if he has ED issues, so he might be avoiding sex all together. A doctor can help his situation.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Here are my thoughts. Early on you trained him to wait and it stuck. Men don't want to get in trouble with the women they love. When you dress sexy that's visually his cue that you've initiated or given him the green light so it's safe. 

I know you said it's been 12 years but a lot has happened since then. He's gained 100 pounds and has aged. His T is probably low which means sex doesn't cross his mind as often as it does yours and he needs help getting aroused. He obviously enjoys sex with you.

One more thought how is the rest of your marriage?


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

I initiate 100% iof the time and I don't care what she is wearing... I also tend to get rejected 100% of the time


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## TSRC (Mar 31, 2013)

Ugh, I was afraid he might have to go to a specialist. His appointment on Tuesday is with a GP. We already had to wait forever to get this appointment, who knows how long it will take to get an appointment with a urologist. . I wish he had researched this more carefully.

I do agree that this stemmed from my assault, but I wish I knew how to change this. My husband often gets into a habit of something and it sticks forever, which drives me crazy about him - like how he never cooked because back in college he had a roommate that he cooked for all of the time and was never appreciative. So until recently he never cooked and it stemmed from that. Again, really? That was about 13 years ago, sigh.

I've posted my story on the considering separation board, so I won't go into too much here. But the main problem is that being married to my husband has been very stressful for a lot of reasons. We are best friends, I love him dearly, but I don't feel as in love with him anymore. And it has nothing to do with his weight, I'd be a hypocrite if it were, it's because I've carried the burden of my marriage for so long, I have reached a breaking point. But he is trying to lessen my stress.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

TSRC said:


> Ugh, I was afraid he might have to go to a specialist. His appointment on Tuesday is with a GP. We already had to wait forever to get this appointment, who knows how long it will take to get an appointment with a urologist. . I wish he had researched this more carefully.
> 
> I do agree that this stemmed from my assault, but I wish I knew how to change this. My husband often gets into a habit of something and it sticks forever, which drives me crazy about him - like how he never cooked because back in college he had a roommate that he cooked for all of the time and was never appreciative. So until recently he never cooked and it stemmed from that. Again, really? That was about 13 years ago, sigh.
> 
> I've posted my story on the considering separation board, so I won't go into too much here. But the main problem is that being married to my husband has been very stressful for a lot of reasons. We are best friends, I love him dearly, but I don't feel as in love with him anymore. And it has nothing to do with his weight, I'd be a hypocrite if it were, it's because I've carried the burden of my marriage for so long, I have reached a breaking point. But he is trying to lessen my stress.


NO! You do not have to go to a specialist to test for this. I have this issue and have treated it successfully by doing the following. Tell your dr what you are concerned about and ask specifically for him/her to test your testosterone levels. This is a normal everyday blood test for diagnostic purposes.

That being said, if the results come back as hypogonadism (read low testosterone here) then it would be best for him to see a urologist for the treatment phase. But to get it diagnosed in the beginning any gp can handle that. Being a Paramedic for 30 years plus I speak the language and knew how to play the system my way. In fact mine was diagnosed through a nurse practitioner. If he already has an appt. by all means go ahead and find out if this is your problem then you can concentrate on treating it via urologist. 

Beyond the medical problems that may be at play; you may well be dealing with more than one psychological component. What is his basic personality type? Is he a nice guy? If he is I'll bet part of the problem is your assault. Even if you have grown beyond that (which I applaud you for) it could have a lasting impact on him in terms of him being unsure what may or may not trigger bad memories for you ( been there, done that). If he already has performance issues then that in itself can cause the same. In other words for instance; one day he can't have intercourse so fear sets in and next time he can't either simply because of the fear of it. It becomes a snowball effect where the fear of not performing can cause him to not perform or cause him to avoid sex because he is scared he won't be able to perform (also been there). Self fulfilling prophecy. 

Now as far as lingerie goes; boy am I ever a fan of it. Its like a christmas present to unwrap but you shouldn't have to do it all the time. However, in the short term until you figure out whats happening with his test levels; if it helps rev him up why not use every tool at your disposal. Good luck!


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

TSRC said:


> Ugh, I was afraid he might have to go to a specialist. His appointment on Tuesday is with a GP. We already had to wait forever to get this appointment, who knows how long it will take to get an appointment with a urologist. . I wish he had researched this more carefully.
> 
> I do agree that this stemmed from my assault, but I wish I knew how to change this. My husband often gets into a habit of something and it sticks forever, which drives me crazy about him - like how he never cooked because back in college he had a roommate that he cooked for all of the time and was never appreciative. So until recently he never cooked and it stemmed from that. Again, really? That was about 13 years ago, sigh.
> 
> I've posted my story on the considering separation board, so I won't go into too much here. But the main problem is that being married to my husband has been very stressful for a lot of reasons. We are best friends, I love him dearly, but I don't feel as in love with him anymore. And it has nothing to do with his weight, I'd be a hypocrite if it were, it's because I've carried the burden of my marriage for so long, I have reached a breaking point. But he is trying to lessen my stress.


The line about not not feeling in love with him as much concerns me greatly. You need look into that part with great introspectiveness. The ILYBNILWY feeling is ahuge danger point. Others will be here shortly to address this part. You will need to take what they say to heart. You are treading in fragile territory!


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

My H couldn't care less what I am wearing. I like to wear something nice to bed and look good for him often. He also likes when I smell good. I do it for me as much as I do for him. I like to feel sexy and desired!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I initiate regardless of what she's wearing.
Looking her best and wearing sexy clothing is a gaurantee I'll be initiating though and I think that's why she wears it.

If your husband is having ED problems he's probably stressed over it.

Get him working on losing that weight and wait to see what the doc says about the ED before you push this too hard.
I realize this isn't caused by his ED since it's been this way for years but now it has to be dealt with in order to move forward.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TSRC (Mar 31, 2013)

It's good to know a GP can at least test his T levels. He's read up on low T and thinks that could be going on, so I hope we can get some answers. And now that my second job I've been working every night and every weekend day for the past 3 weeks has finally ended, I can focus more on us really eating healthier and losing weight. 

My main concern is that if he is treated for ED, then I don't know if it means our sex life will go back to the way it's been for about the past 11 years of if it will be better. I think my sex drive has increased as we've gotten older and his has decreased, and the last time we were really in sync was not long after we started dating. Even before he put on weight, he was comfortable with once or twice a month while I could easily go two or three times a week. 

This lingerie and stockings thing has been a big issue for a while, because even when I did initiate, he wanted me to wear stockings and a short skirt to do so. I just felt offended by that and it caused a lot tension between us. I would do it sometimes, but I felt very unattractive by him if I didn't. I always thought, he's a man, he should want it as much as possible no matter what I'm wearing! Nice to know there are still a lot of men out there who feel that way. Over time it made me resent lingerie, short skirts, and stockings. I don't feel sexy in them liked I should, I just think of my husband and it makes me feel like I'm doing it just for him and frankly I'm tired of an entire marriage of initiating sex with him.

Uh oh, what's the problem with the I love him but not in love with him problem? I just figure we'll just have to live as best friends and I will have to get over it. Then again, I guess I can see the problem in the fact that I developed a very close emotional relationship with another man, then I broke it off to focus on my marriage, but I still miss this man so much because we had become such close friends. I know this is not good, and I probably wouldn't feel this way if I had a stronger sexual relationship with my husband.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

TSRC said:


> It's good to know a GP can at least test his T levels. He's read up on low T and thinks that could be going on, so I hope we can get some answers. And now that my second job I've been working every night and every weekend day for the past 3 weeks has finally ended, I can focus more on us really eating healthier and losing weight.
> 
> My main concern is that if he is treated for ED, then I don't know if it means our sex life will go back to the way it's been for about the past 11 years of if it will be better. I think my sex drive has increased as we've gotten older and his has decreased, and the last time we were really in sync was not long after we started dating. Even before he put on weight, he was comfortable with once or twice a month while I could easily go two or three times a week.
> 
> ...



Yep the last paragraph is a problem. I think you know that. He needs to step up no doubt though.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Stonewall said:


> Yep the last paragraph is a problem. I think you know that. He needs to step up no doubt though.


My thoughts exactly Stonewall.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

OP..have you told him that you would prefer he initiate and how much sex you are felling like you want?

Or are you expecting him to be a mind reader?

Also, until you divorce ditch that OM and tell your husband about it.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

When I was heavier (and this is NOT that heavy, call it 210) I also had self esteem body image issues. I felt too fat to be lovable.

So I can only imagine that this is helping generate issues with him and intimacy.

So, frankly, you have a perfect storm...

His weight
His performance anxieties
Your sexual history
And it seems your lack of commuincation.

Have you ASKED him to feel free to initiate, or are you just watching him with mournful eyes expecting him to be a mind reader? I apologize if you HAVE brought this up, but it didn't sound like it.

Tell him your fantasy is for him to come up to you one day and ravish your unexpectedly. BUT...you had best not complain about the phone call, cake or cleaning he is getting in the way of.

That kind of push/pull rejection stings...and you already have issues on this. So let the cake burn and be lavish with your enthusiasm...even if you don't feel it.

Try going on walks with him and buy smaller plates (smaller portions). Moving to a healthier lifestyle will benefit you both.


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## TSRC (Mar 31, 2013)

Oh, we have talked about it, multiple times. In the past he would say he'd initiate more often, but never did. We talked about it again last night. His response basically was that he didn't want to think about what we've said in the past, he wants to focus on the future. He said when he gets treatment for ED that he'll likely be initiating with me all of the time. 

I know I need to hang on and have faith that will change all of our sex life, but I still think we need to tackle our past issues to be able to move forward. He thinks a magic pill will solve our problems, I guess I'm not so convinced. I think there is so much we need to go through that may have affected our sex lives, like my assault, infertility issues, eventually adopting kids and becoming parents, his performance issues. A pill or some cream won't solve that, in my opinion. I have asked him about going to counseling with me, and he said he would consider going, if that's what I think we should do, I don't think it's because he thinks we need it. If he doesn't want to think about the past, I'm not sure how useful counseling will be.


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

Have your H keep his appointment with the regular doc (GP/internist, etc.), he bascially needs a simple blood test that checks for testosterone, would be willing to bet his cholesterol and triglycerides are high, too.

In many cases, ED is an early (or perhaps not so early) indicator of heart and coronary artery disease, the mechanisms that create a rock-hard c0ck are highly dependent on a healthy circulatory system. A regular doc can prescribe T-therapy and Viagra/Cialis/Levitra just as well as a specialist. If his T is borderline low or low, and the regular doc won't do T-therapy, then go see a specialist (urologist and/or endocrinologist). Many regular docs are hesitant to initiate T-therapy unless T levels are at rock-bottom, and there are other obvious pyhsical symptooms of low T.

Good luck. By the way, my wife intitiates sex maybe 10% of the time, which I wish was higher but is also normal.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

TSRC said:


> Oh, we have talked about it, multiple times. In the past he would say he'd initiate more often, but never did. We talked about it again last night. His response basically was that he didn't want to think about what we've said in the past, he wants to focus on the future. He said when he gets treatment for ED that he'll likely be initiating with me all of the time.
> 
> I know I need to hang on and have faith that will change all of our sex life, but I still think we need to tackle our past issues to be able to move forward. He thinks a magic pill will solve our problems, I guess I'm not so convinced. I think there is so much we need to go through that may have affected our sex lives, like my assault, infertility issues, eventually adopting kids and becoming parents, his performance issues. A pill or some cream won't solve that, in my opinion. I have asked him about going to counseling with me, and he said he would consider going, if that's what I think we should do, I don't think it's because he thinks we need it. If he doesn't want to think about the past, I'm not sure how useful counseling will be.


OP..I strongly advise against dwelling on the past

I would advise holding him accountable to his "Focus on the future" statement in six months. Secret is never wavering and always have the EXACT let me repeat that EXACT same message.

For now let it go and live as if nothing is wrong in your marriage. You do have to give your spouse time and space to work on their issues like I have given my wife a full 3.5 years after her ILYNILWYA... her time is running out and she knows it. My plan expires at 4 years.

Remember YOU are in the right. You do not hold grudges. You bury whats missing so you can focus on being a good spouse and not a whiner.

Hold your spouse accountable by remaining steadfast in what is right for your marriage PERMANENTLY.
I will be a success story...so can you.

In time your spouse will respond. My wife already has its just fine tuning, final stages now.

I WILL have sex tonight with my wife...as I'm in the final stages of resolving our sexless marriage PERMANENTLY.

Its all in taking the high road an never wavering and forgiving your spouse and being the best spouse you can be to them. Think of it as a marathon not a sprint.

I will turn ILYNILWY/little sex always to a normal sexual marriage in 3.5 years by following the plan. My plan.

I will disclose the plan after I see complete evidence of total success over a time period since there are many who will throw stones until that happens.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Most insurance won't cover T level problems if the number is not below 300. Get your GP to test him. A good level is over 600. Teenage boys run around 1000.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

MrBrains said:


> Most insurance won't cover T level problems if the number is not below 300. Get your GP to test him. A good level is over 600. Teenage boys run around 1000.


Right on MrBrains. My doctor shoots for 700 to 800 range and says everone's body is different depending on their physical activity and stress levels. I feel great when in this range or even higher. My first blood test showed a level of 236....very low. That was 5 1/2 years ago. Been great ever since.


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## TSRC (Mar 31, 2013)

Thanks for all of the input. When my husband had his appointment with the GP, she was completely convinced he had low T, even before he had the blood test done, so she went ahead and referred him to a urologist. He sees the urologist next week. 

When we got his lab results back, his T indeed was low, a level of 256, which from what all of you say sounds like it is pretty low for a 39 year old. Based on his symptom history, the GP thinks he probably has had low T since he was in his mid twenties, which was not long after my husband and I met. So it's possible these issues have played a part throughout our entire marriage, without us even knowing it. Particularly in his lack of desire for initiating intimacy. I'm hoping he can get some treatment for this after his appointment with the urologist. My husband is elated that he may have finally found an answer for a lot of our problems, and I'm starting to feel more hopeful about our future sexual relationship.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

I Notice The Details said:


> Right on MrBrains. My doctor shoots for 700 to 800 range and says everone's body is different depending on their physical activity and stress levels. I feel great when in this range or even higher. My first blood test showed a level of 236....very low. That was 5 1/2 years ago. Been great ever since.


Well I have been working in this field for 18 years and at age 49 I have my own T problems.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

TSRC said:


> Thanks for all of the input. When my husband had his appointment with the GP, she was completely convinced he had low T, even before he had the blood test done, so she went ahead and referred him to a urologist. He sees the urologist next week.
> 
> When we got his lab results back, his T indeed was low, a level of 256, which from what all of you say sounds like it is pretty low for a 39 year old. Based on his symptom history, the GP thinks he probably has had low T since he was in his mid twenties, which was not long after my husband and I met. So it's possible these issues have played a part throughout our entire marriage, without us even knowing it. Particularly in his lack of desire for initiating intimacy. I'm hoping he can get some treatment for this after his appointment with the urologist. My husband is elated that he may have finally found an answer for a lot of our problems, and I'm starting to feel more hopeful about our future sexual relationship.


That is great news. Now you can address it and his entire life will improve when his hormones are back to normal. Awesome. I have been in he 200's and it is much better where I am at now!


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

TSRC said:


> Thanks for all of the input. When my husband had his appointment with the GP, she was completely convinced he had low T, even before he had the blood test done, so she went ahead and referred him to a urologist. He sees the urologist next week.
> 
> When we got his lab results back, his T indeed was low, a level of 256, which from what all of you say sounds like it is pretty low for a 39 year old. Based on his symptom history, the GP thinks he probably has had low T since he was in his mid twenties, which was not long after my husband and I met. So it's possible these issues have played a part throughout our entire marriage, without us even knowing it. Particularly in his lack of desire for initiating intimacy. I'm hoping he can get some treatment for this after his appointment with the urologist. My husband is elated that he may have finally found an answer for a lot of our problems, and I'm starting to feel more hopeful about our future sexual relationship.


Hang on. Your about to get a new man!
He will tell you he has never felt this good or " I did not know I felt so bad."
Keep an eye on his H&H. (Hemoglobin and Hematocrit ) Good luck.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

I was trained like an obedient puppy early on in my marriage to not initiate. A few good smacks on the nose with the rolled up newspaper and the lesson sticks. Now I don't know any other way, even if I wanted to.

I may be very difficult to undo your earlier training.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

TSRC said:


> I am really trying to figure out if my sex life is normal, not completely normal, or very dysfunctional.
> 
> I know that most men get turned on things like lingerie, short skirts, and stockings (at least my husband does) but is the ONLY time you initiate sex with your wife is when she is wearing these things?
> 
> ...


Your man is LD. It is as simple as that, and LD can usually NOT be fixed. If the sex is really not often enough for you, there is little you can do...Check his T levlels, it could be that, but I'll bet he was never a twice a day guy.... 

good luck
the woodchuck


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## TSRC (Mar 31, 2013)

It's really good to know that treating his low T can change things a lot. I know my husband would love to feel like a new man!


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## ThunderatMidnight (May 2, 2013)

TSRC- our husbands are exactly alike. He told me that he needed me in sexy Victoria secret like lingerie to initiate sex, my shorts and t shirt (without underwear) just won't do. We have a sexless marriage since I have been rejected too many times in the past to want to wear anything racy to bed for him. After a while I kind of stopped looking at him as my sexual mate altogether.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

TSRC said:


> It's really good to know that treating his low T can change things a lot. I know my husband would love to feel like a new man!


My husband is 46 and his level was 170. He's been on t supplements for a month now and yes he's like a new man. His drive is through the roof. He jokes he feels like he's 18 only he never felt this good then either. We suspect he's been low since his 20's too.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

TSRC said:


> It's really good to know that treating his low T can change things a lot. I know my husband would love to feel like a new man!


I am living proof. It's awesome! PM me if you want more detailed answers. I've tryed it all.


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