# Feeling unloved and disrespected but stuck



## lost*in*translation (May 5, 2013)

I have been married to my husband for 11 years and we have two kids, 5 and 9.
He is Japanese and was raised very differently than I was. His upbringing included verbal and physical abuse from his parents. I was raised by a mostly absent father and while my mom was great, when my parents divorced (when i was around 10) she got very busy with a new career and relationship and I felt neglected.
My husband and I lived in Japan for most of our relationship but moved to the US for his job transfer a year and a half ago.
After we had kids his anger issues became more apparent. Our son, our older child, has a very volatile and stubborn temperament. When he gets angry he won't back down. I have tried many ways of dealing with his behavior and have found that nothing works but to let him calm down and then to talk about what happened after. My husband however behaves in a similar way to my son and won't step away from the situation. He becomes enraged and threatening, calls our son names, and has become physical with him, grabbing, dragging, hitting and kicking.
When I get between them to try to diffuse things it gets worse and he turns on me, blaming my parenting for our son's behavior. I have found that things settle down faster if I stay out of it, although of course I intervene if my husband is getting physical.
Since we moved to the US, but may move back to Japan at some point, my son attends Japanese school on Saturdays in order to keep up to his Japanese grade level, and my husband helps him complete his homework, which is substantial, over the rest of the weekend. My son hates doing schoolwork and often shouts and gets mad when he is asked to do it. He is easily frustrated, forgetful, and has a hard time with writing assignments. I suspect he has some kind of attention deficit or processing difficulty; I myself struggled in grade school and only really came into my own academically in university.
My husband just sees our son as an "idiot" "moron", or lazy, and says as much repeatedly during their homework sessions.

I don't work outside the home because of moving around frequently for my husband's career, and living outside of my home country makes it legally difficult, plus the logistics of it with the kids' schedules makes it hard. However I do everything when it comes to the house, including repairs, landscaping, taking out the garbage, and all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, bill paying and so on. But my husband feels that I don't push our son hard enough during the week with his Japanese studies when he is working until the kid's bedtimes.

On Thursday evening my husband had a huge fit about my son's homework, dragging him from his room to the dining room to do it and giving him a carpet burn in the process, then kicking him (not hard, but still) as he lay on the floor. When I got in between them he began to berate me, saying how he's jealous of my life where I just sit around and eat and go shopping, and that I spoil the kids. He went on and on. There may be some grains of truth in what he says; I have gained about 30 pounds since we moved to the US, thanks to stress and comfort eating, and since we have bought a home I have been buying things to decorate it, although not to excess and I mostly shop at thrift stores and bargain hunt to keep costs down. I work very hard in the home. But the way he went on and on made me feel like he doesn't value me or my contributions to our family at all, that he has little love or respect or regard for me.
Today he scolded and threatened our son for about and hour while he sat and sobbed. I wanted to go to him but I know it just makes things worse so I stayed nearby with our daughter in her room, ready to intervene if it escalated.
I am so worn out with these repeated explosive episodes. If we didn't have kids and my husband behaved this way I'd be long gone. But when he's in a good mood my husband is great with the kids, plays with them a lot, and they adore him. If I were to leave I would prefer to move back to my home country where I have family support, but my husband would go back to Japan and probably the kids would rarely see him. Plus I'd be a busy single mom with little time for them. I think they'd end up resentful of me for separating them from their father. 

I'd appreciate your thoughts or advice on my situation


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your husband is emotionally and physically abusive to your son.

Does he also physically abuse you?

You are allowing your husband to abuse your son. That means that you too are guilty of abusing your son. Let that sink in.

You are an adult. You can leave your husband any time you want. You choose to stay in an abusive situation. Your son is a child. He cannot protect himself. He cannot leave the abusive situation. You are the one person in the entire world who can help your son but you are not.

Of course your husband has his good side. If he was an abusive monster 24/7, would you have stayed with him? Nope. Abusers have to be good part of the time or they will lose the people they need to control. Abuse is the use of verbal, emotional and physical violence to control others. To maintain control, the abuser has to instill fear, real fear of harm into the abused.

Look up the term "cycle of abuse" and/or "cycle of domestic violence". You will see how this works. It is intermittent reinforcement, which is the strongest way to control someone.

You need to find an organization where you live that provides help for victims of domestic violence. You need to start with counseling. You son needs counseling too but you might need to wait a bit to help you. 

YOu need a safety plan and an exit plan, they can be one in the same. I'll post one shortly. The domestic abuse organization can help you fine tune it for yourself.

I also think that you need evidence of what is going on. If I were you I'd get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and put in the room where your husband is most likely to abuse your son. Get it on recording. 

In my house I would put it up high on top of my china cabinet, or book shelf. That way he could never see it. Or I'd put in under something like the china cabinet back far enough so that it (and it's lights) were not visible.

You can also get hidden cameras. They are sold on the internet and in come cities in local security stores. They come hidden in things like light sockets, clock radios, stuffed toys and many other things.

You are going to need evidence. You see your husband is like most abusers. He only does it behind closed doors. So he, your son and you are the only ones who knows what is really going on.

You need help, please get it. and please get away from this man. There is no fixing this. 

If your husband hurts your son.. like breaks his arm when his abusing him.. your husband will be arrested for assaulting your son. So will you. Why? Because you allowed it.

I was married to a man who was a lot like your husband. He's a doctor and well thought of. So when I went to court without the evidence, the judge had the divorce papers sealed. She, the judge, said that they could have something like accusations of domestic violence against a doctor in public records. 

And, because I had writing about the abuse but had no evidence the judge gave my husband custody of our son. That stupid judge gave a 3.5 year old boy to a man who was regularly abusing him. So I had to stop the divorce and move back in with my abusive husband to protect my son from him. When I did I told my husband that if he lifted one finger towards me or our son I'd was going to have him prosecuted. So he got a bit better. 

It took me 4 more years to build the case of the level of abuse. That was 4 years of my son being put through things that no child should have to live with. What I was told by the police was that if my son was ever hurt, it did not matter if it was my husband who did it... I would be arrested and prosecuted right along with him.

So my son and I had to live with that for 4 more years because no one told me what I had to do to make sure that what I said in court was backed up with evidence and a record of abuse ... .like a police record, etc.

If you husband hurts your son, take your son to the doctor to be examined and tell the doctor what happened. The doctor is required to report it. If you take your son to the doctor, you would not be arrested because you are protecting your son by doing this. 

Yes your husband would get in trouble. If there is any hope for him stopping this, it will take the intervention of the police, court ordered anger mismanagement classes, counseling and a real change of heart in your husband.

Sometimes when abuse is made know outside the household the abuser will back down because 1) now there are men telling him that what he is doing is wrong and he will pay for it, 2) it is no longer behind closed doors. It's no longer something he can hide.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Call 911 and they will help you get away.

If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored call the national domestic violence hotline at 1 800 799 7233.

========================================

It is very hard to leave a marriage. Boy do I know that from experience. There is a way to make it easier… having a plan and having a strong support system. Just work your plan one step at a time. That way you are not look at a huge problem. Instead you are looking at small steps. 

If you search on the internet for "domestic abuse exit plan" or "domestic abuse safety plan" a lot will come up that you can look over. The one below is one that I added some things to base on my own experience.

Get a support system:



Find a local organization that provides counseling and help for victims of domestic abuse (emotional and physical). Get into counseling with them. They will have sliding scale counseling.


Also check into legal aid in your area.



Talk to attorneys and do research on the internet to find out your rights in divorce. Be informed. Check out legal aid in your area. Ask the domestic abuse organization if they have a list of attorneys who do pro-bono work or very low fee work and how specialize in cases of divorce with domestic abuse. Most will have such a list. Many attorneys will give a half hour free consultation. If you have a good list of questions, you can learn about your rights and how the local court system handles specific issues. You might even find an attorney that you really like.


Let a trusted family member, friend, coworker or neighbors know your situation. Develop a plan for when you need help; code words you can text if in trouble, a visual signal like a porch light: on equals no danger, off equals trouble. 


Set up a ‘safe address’ and ‘safe storage space’. If you have a trusted friend/family-member, ask them if you can use their address for some things and if you can store some things at their place… like a box of important papers. If you do not have someone who will help you out in this way, rent a PO Box and a small storage space. Use the ‘safe addresses for your mail. Use the ‘safe storage space’ to keep important things you will need like:



your mail from the ‘safe address’


All account info and ATM card for your personal checking account


Copies of all financial paperwork, filed tax forms, etc.


Certified copies of birth certificates, marriage license, passports, 


Car title, social security cards, credit cards, 


Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.) 


Titles, deeds and other property information 


Medical records


Children's school and immunization records


Insurance information


Verification of social security numbers Make sure you know your husband’s Social Security Number and your son’s. 


Welfare identification


Valued pictures, jewelry or personal possessions


Your safety Plan: this is so that you can leave immediately if things get out of hand.


Know the phone number to your local battered women's shelter. 


Keep your cell phone on you at all times for dialing 911. It’s best to dial 911. You need to establish a record of his abuse. So call 911 and start creating that record. If you think that it is not safe for you to leave, ask the 911 operator to send the police so that they can ensure your and your child’s safety when you leave.


If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit. 


Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made. 


Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures. 


You can get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you at all times when you are around your husband. This way you can get recordings of the abuse. 


Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.


If you need to sneak away, be prepared. Make a plan for how and where you will escape. 


Back your car into the driveway, and keep it fueled. Keep your driver's door unlocked and other doors locked for a quick escape. 


Hide an extra set of car keys. 


Set money aside. Open a checking account in your name only and put your paycheck (or a portion of it) in that account. Do not use the address of the home you live in with him for this checking account. Use your ”safe address” to the account and keep all of the paperwork related to the account in your “safe storage space”. 


Pack a bag. Include an extra set of keys, IDs, car title, birth certificates, social security cards, credit cards, marriage license, clothes for yourself and your children, shoes, medications, banking information, money" anything that is important to you. Store them at a trusted friend or neighbor's house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbors, close family members and mutual friends. 


Take important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc. 


Know abuser's schedule and safe times to leave. 


Be careful when reaching out for help via Internet or telephone. Erase your Internet browsing history, websites visited for resources, e-mails sent to friends/family asking for help. If you called for help, dial another number immediately after in case abuser hits redial. 


Create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate.

After Leaving the Abusive Relationship 

If you get a restraining order, and the offender is leaving: 



Change your locks and phone number. 


Change your work hours and route taken to work. 


Change the route taken to transport children to school. 



Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times. 


Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect. 


Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender. 



Call law enforcement to enforce the order. 


If you leave: 


Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail. Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports. Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number. 


Change your work hours, if possible. 


Alert school authorities of the situation. 


Consider changing your children's schools. 


Reschedule appointments if the offender is aware of them. 


Use different stores and frequent different social spots. 


Alert neighbors, and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger. 


Talk to trusted people about the violence. 


Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible. Install a motion sensitive lighting system. 


Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible. 


Tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order. 


Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.


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## lost*in*translation (May 5, 2013)

Thanks for your reply and advice EleGirl. And thank-you for sharing your story.

My H isn't physical with me. He also doesn't follow typical abuser behavior of monitoring or trying to control me; in fact he is largely disinterested in what is going on with me. (I guess I married my father in a way; what a cliche) 

Last fall he did take away my bank card briefly to get me to move on something I was procrastinating over. This made me really nervous so I made sure I would have an escape fund in a personal account, and I hid mine and the kids passports. My parents know what is happening in our family and are ready to help us if I decide to leave.

Last spring I was talking to a therapist and discussed an incident that happened over the Christmas break where my H slapped and kicked our son, and then walked out like he was leaving us (we were visiting my family in Canada at the time). The therapist as a mandated reporter contacted CPS.

My son and I were interviewed at home by the case worker. My husband went into the CPS offices separately and met with the cw. He didn't take this very seriously; he said that since the cw was gay, what did he know about raising kids, and he mocked US culture where parents aren't allowed to discipline their kids.

I do need to collect evidence. Mostly H doesn't hurt our son to the point of leaving marks, although the carpet burns have left marks, and he scratched the inside of his ear by pulling on it. The voice activated recorder would be a good idea, although he berates our son in Japanese.

I have talked with my son about it, and told him that we have the option of leaving, but he doesn't want that. However I know I can't make a 9 year old take on a decision that is my responsibility. I hesitate partly because of my own family; after my father moved out and my mother was busy all the time, my brother and I didn't fare well. I feel like while H is too rough with our son, at least he takes an interest in him, likes to play and have fun with him. Neglect and absence can be as hard on a child as abuse.

For my husband's part he has made some effort to work with my son on his homework in a way that makes fighting less likely; setting a timer and giving him breaks; sometimes working at a coffee shop so they're in public. However he seems to be unable to control himself; I think he is repeating the way his parents treated him, and slips back into shouting, ridiculing, menacing and sometimes hurting to get our son to comply.


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## RaceGirl (Apr 13, 2015)

If my husband slapped and kicked our son, I would probably attempt to murder him and call the police. Don't let this man treat your son this way. That is abuse. You need to leave him, no questions asked.

I'm going to tell you what other tell me, you can still co-parent and his dad can still see him. You're not going to be a single mom. You need to keep the kids with you and away from him. They will know who their dad is and even see him, even if it's a supervised visit.


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## jin (Sep 9, 2014)

I think you need to get some help for your son. He may have a learning disability. Find out. 

And get him some counselling as well. If you leave your husband your son is going to blame himself. Im no expert but reading your comment about talking with your son about leaving doesnt seem right. I think its your decision and you should leave your son out of it.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Lost, you are not objective enough to see the big picture! You're worried about your son, as well you ought to be. Can you not see how screwed up your life appears to BOTH your children?

1) Your husband insults, belittles, attacks, hurts your son. And you do nothing because you say it makes the attack shorter. These are attacks...you get that, don't you?

2) Your son must feel HORRIBLE when his father shows his hatred/disgust/disappointment/disdain for your son! It's bad enough to endure this, but he must endure it in front of his mother AND his sister! He is being taught that 

he is NOT good enough,
women will find him weak/unacceptable,
this is the way "men" raise other "men".
3) Your daughter is learning that women are impotent in a marriage; they have NO power. They must accept abuse of themselves and/or their children because they do not matter!

Imagine your children's adult relationships in 20 years! Your son will be abusive to his children (and possible emotionally abused by his wife/gf). Your daughter will feel powerless and victimized in her relationships. They will both be unable to comprehend how to resolve things in an adult manner and they'll be seething with unresolved anger. 

I get that your H doesn't know any better; that's on HIM and his parents. He's old enough to know about counseling and get it if he wants. YOU *do* know better, but are allowing it because you're so afraid of what *might* happen in the future if you break up (ignoring how crappy things are absolutely going to be in the future if you don't resolve this abusive relationship)!

Get a restraining order to get your H out of the house OR take the kids and leave. 

Do NOT allow a 'reconciliation' of any type to take place without PROOF OF a minimum of 12 months' successful anger management and parenting therapy for your H.
Get BOTH your children into therapy for the abuse they've suffered and witnessed.
Go to therapy yourself to learn BETTER parenting techniques and how to help your children heal.
If your H is unwilling to improve his completely UNACCEPTABLE behavior, then you NEED to divorce him before your children are completely ruined and create two future marriages full of abuse. A move to Canada without an abusive father is BETTER than a life anywhere else with one.

Please be strong enough to HELP YOUR CHILDREN! Your H will have to help himself (or not, as he sees fit).


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