# Can you create sexual chemistry?



## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

I've seen lots of threads about bad marriages and sexual infidelity. It seems a lot of times the reasons the partners stray is due to bedroom boredom. I want to avoid this since it's wrong to cheat and it doesn't seem anyone ever ends up happy.

I have a good marriage to a loving, kind man. We never had sexual chemistry but we do have strong affection to one another. 

Can one create sexual chemistry in a good marriage?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

This is just my .02. I dated LOTS before I got married and in my experience either the chemistry was there at that first kiss or it wasn't. Dated some fabulous men that I really really wanted something long term with but I only 'liked' them they didn't get me all hot and bothered. I tried to manufacture chemistry with a few guys but it didn't work. I had to let them go. 

Oh and to make matters worse I had chemistry with one guy making out/kissing but the sex was bad. Now in this case I think we could have fixed it since it was more technique than anything. But we had other problems so it was a moot point so I just broke up with him.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> This is just my .02. I dated LOTS before I got married and in my experience either the chemistry was there at that first kiss or it wasn't. Dated some fabulous men that I really really wanted something long term with but I only 'liked' them they didn't get me all hot and bothered. I tried to manufacture chemistry with a few guys but it didn't work. I had to let them go.
> 
> Oh and to make matters worse I had chemistry with one guy making out/kissing but the sex was bad. Now in this case I think we could have fixed it since it was more technique than anything. But we had other problems so it was a moot point so I just broke up with him.


I appreciate your honesty. I think it could be done. I'm just not sure how.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

True chemistry is rather rare, hence I'm also not giving up on my wife without a good enough reason and as long as she keeps up what she's been doing recently. 

When I think about the idea that most relationships actually even have chemistry, my wife is only one of two women who I actually really clicked with and I've met tons of women in my youth. So either they are all full of sh-t, and that chemistry is as rare as I've been finding it, or I'm just too complicated to find a match easy compared to everyone else. Due to the lack of options, I'm finding the idea of "being ready to move on if things don't work out" getting harder and harder.

Starting to appreciate that my wife feels the same way towards me as well, I just hope we can continue this and move back together soon. I am also unsure of whether one can really create chemistry. You CAN work on transparency and search for hidden sparks I guess but... come to think of it, I have no idea.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> True chemistry is rather rare, hence I'm also not giving up on my wife without a good enough reason and as long as she keeps up what she's been doing recently.
> 
> When I think about the idea that most relationships actually even have chemistry, my wife is only one of two women who I actually really clicked with and I've met tons of women in my youth. So either they are all full of sh-t, and that chemistry is as rare as I've been finding it, or I'm just too complicated to find a match easy compared to everyone else. Due to the lack of options, I'm finding the idea of "being ready to move on if things don't work out" getting harder and harder.
> 
> Starting to appreciate that my wife feels the same way towards me as well, I just hope we can continue this and move back together soon. I am also unsure of whether one can really create chemistry. You CAN work on transparency and search for hidden sparks I guess but... come to think of it, I have no idea.


How hard can it be? Maybe chemistry is an illusion created by Hollywood? With divorce rates so high I'm wondering if people are expecting too much out of marriage. I don't know.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

In our third and final counselling session. I looked into my XW's eyes and her pupils were dilated. I mentioned that to her and she turned away. She could not look me in the eyes from that point on. I don't think she will ever lose that chemistry. She can only attempt to replace it. 

We are all attracted to many different people. We can find it elsewhere. We cannot find that same person or that exact same feeling. I loved my first wife, but not in the same manner as my second. My second wife was the 'one'. 

You can be reasonably happy. You can only find one 'true happiness'. Good luck.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Heh I doubt it's an illusion, some people just click (for the most part ). However it is rather rare to have that strong chemistry I found, and even then it doesn't mean that things will work out. Like my first, and even like my wife but we're hanging on.

Sexual chemistry at least for me doesn't mean just the physical either, which makes it harder, the mental/emotional has to be with it. I'm assuming it's the same for everyone though.

Still, I've heard arranged marriages are very successful, much more then romantic marriages. Which makes me wonder if chemistry can indeed be created.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

To begin with, in my opinion, anyone who cheats because their sex life at home is unsatisfactory in only justifying their actions. If you want to go outside the marriage for sex you either get your spouse's permission or you leave. 

My comment on the chemistry is to be aware it changes over time. You won't have the same feelings after being with someone for a long time that you had when you were first getting to know them. However, you will (if you're in the right relationship) have much deeper feelings and a much stronger bond. The chemistry shouldn't be any less intense...just different. If it's not it indicates that one or both sides in the relationship have allowed it to slide.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Enchanted said:


> How hard can it be? Maybe chemistry is an illusion created by Hollywood?


Have you ever had intense sexual chemistry with anyone?


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Enchanted said:


> We never had sexual chemistry but we do have strong affection to one another.


Not sure it applies to you and I don't mean to put words into your mouth. Sexual chemistry isn't just for the bedroom.



MaritimeGuy said:


> My comment on the chemistry is to be aware it changes over time.


All very true, but I'll admit I've had some trouble with that.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> Have you ever had intense sexual chemistry with anyone?


I suppose I did but they were unhealthy relationships. I've never had intense sexual chemistry in a healthy relationship.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

MaritimeGuy said:


> To begin with, in my opinion, anyone who cheats because their sex life at home is unsatisfactory in only justifying their actions. If you want to go outside the marriage for sex you either get your spouse's permission or you leave.
> 
> My comment on the chemistry is to be aware it changes over time. You won't have the same feelings after being with someone for a long time that you had when you were first getting to know them. However, you will (if you're in the right relationship) have much deeper feelings and a much stronger bond. The chemistry shouldn't be any less intense...just different. If it's not it indicates that one or both sides in the relationship have allowed it to slide.


I agree. But if you read the cheating threads it seems they all start with sexual complaints. I rarely read a thread that a husband starts cheating because his wife failed to remove the stains from his undershirts.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

I don't believe it can be 'forced'

I either want you or I don't, and if I don't then I can't talk myself into it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

CharlieParker said:


> Not sure it applies to you and I don't mean to put words into your mouth. Sexual chemistry isn't just for the bedroom.
> 
> 
> 
> All very true, but I'll admit I've had some trouble with that.


We find each other attractive. We easily cuddle and hold hands. However, when he tries to kiss me passionately I do pull away. I don't have animalistic urges for him, I never did. We both discussed this about two years ago that our sexual chemistry never seemed to be there but we want to be together. 

In the past, the men who turned on were very verbally aggressive in bed. I'm not into the hitting part of BDSM but I get very excited over the psychological part. The dirty talk was so extreme and wild which was combined with a lot of intense eye contact and wrestling. I liked the feeling of danger. However, the danger was real since these men were dangerous, so I knew those relationships couldn't last. At the same time, I can't help what turns me on which is why my fantasies are pretty kinky.

I won't go outside the marriage to get these needs met. If anything I'll buy more vibrators. 

LOL


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Enchanted said:


> I suppose I did but they were unhealthy relationships. I've never had intense sexual chemistry in a healthy relationship.


Given your past I think you will struggle to find it outside of an unhealthy relationship. You NEED that danger for it to work because it's all you know. That's not the way it is in a healthy relationship. In fact it's the total opposite...it's SAFE.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> Given your past I think you will struggle to find it outside of an unhealthy relationship. You NEED that danger for it to work because it's all you know. That's not the way it is in a healthy relationship. In fact it's the total opposite...it's SAFE.


You're right, my emotional issues do filter into my sexual world. My major needs are safety but my sexual needs are danger. I really get why men look at porn so much.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

That's not why men look at porn. Your situation is completely different. Your childhood has programmed you to connect abuse to sex. 

This is what being raised by a psychotic father will do for you.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> That's not why men look at porn. Your situation is completely different. Your childhood has programmed you to connect abuse to sex.
> 
> This is what being raised by a psychotic father will do for you.


You're probably right. He never sexually abused me but his repetitive abandonment and psychological warfare must have something to do with my sexual appetite. 

Yuck.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My dad committed emotional incest with me as well as repetitive abandonment and psychological warfare. And yes it absolutely messes you up sexually.

Yuck is right.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> My dad committed emotional incest with me as well as repetitive abandonment and psychological warfare. And yes it absolutely messes you up sexually.
> 
> Yuck is right.


Actually, I think my dad did too! He would talk to me about such adult issues which didn't make sense, it just made me confused and really depressed. I hated hearing his stupid monotone voice telling me how unhappy he is and how he should have never married my mother. He even told me when I was about 12 that he got my mother pregnant because when the vietnam war was going on he was called down. Since he was a coward and didn't want to go to war he asked what he could do to get out of it. He was told by the recruiter that if he got his wife pregnant he'd probably be excused. 

I remember going home and telling my mother this story she was so angry he told me. She said "I wanted you anyway."


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Enchanted said:


> Actually, I think my dad did too! He would talk to me about such adult issues which didn't make sense, it just made me confused and really depressed. I hated hearing his stupid monotone voice telling me how unhappy he is and how he should have never married my mother. He even told me when I was about 12 that he got my mother pregnant because when the vietnam war was going on he was called down. Since he was a coward and didn't want to go to war he asked what he could do to get out of it. He was told by the recruiter that if he got his wife pregnant he'd probably be excused.
> 
> I remember going home and telling my mother this story she was so angry he told me. She said "I wanted you anyway."


Been there done that. I knew more than I should have about my parents sex life. And he'd press me for information about mine getting angry at me because I was a virgin. He was one piece of work.

He never wanted kids either. Said he did it just to appease my mother. He thought he couldn't have kids (took them years) and was praying it would never happen but it did. Nice dad huh?


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Enchanted said:


> I agree. But if you read the cheating threads it seems they all start with sexual complaints. I rarely read a thread that a husband starts cheating because his wife failed to remove the stains from his undershirts.


I believe sex is a symptom of a failing relationship not the cause of it. If you're not having good sex together it means something is off. It takest honest communication to figure it out and try to fix it. Sometimes though, it can't be fixed.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> Been there done that. I knew more than I should have about my parents sex life. And he'd press me for information about mine getting angry at me because I was a virgin. He was one piece of work.
> 
> He never wanted kids either. Said he did it just to appease my mother. He thought he couldn't have kids (took them years) and was praying it would never happen but it did. Nice dad huh?


Some men should never procreate; it's a horrible feeling when your father is one of them.

Hugs Mavash


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

No, it can not be. 

But if sexual chemistry were necessary for a successful, happy marriage, few people would be married. 

I do think you can have a full, enjoyable sex life without chemistry.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

jaquen said:


> No, it can not be.
> 
> But if sexual chemistry were necessary for a successful, happy marriage, few people would be married.
> 
> I do think you can have a full, enjoyable sex life without chemistry.


I think you're right Jaquen. I need to figure out how but I'm sure it can be done.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Seems like a waste of time and very hurtful to yourself if you can have fulfilling sex, but not be fulfilled. Weird.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> Seems like a waste of time and very hurtful to yourself if you can have fulfilling sex, but not be fulfilled. Weird.


I don't understand your comment.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Enchanted said:


> Some men should never procreate; it's a horrible feeling when your father is one of them.
> 
> Hugs Mavash


I'm so over it. He died in October and I believe he is at peace now. I know I am.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Enchanted said:


> I don't understand your comment.


Sorry. I don't think I can explain it. Forgive me.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

jaquen said:


> No, it can not be.
> 
> But if sexual chemistry were necessary for a successful, happy marriage, few people would be married.
> 
> I do think you can have a full, enjoyable sex life without chemistry.


Maybe we're talking about different things. I'm wondering why choose to be married to someone you don't have sexual chemistry with? I'm getting the sense a lot of people settle in their choice of spouse.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

MaritimeGuy said:


> Maybe we're talking about different things. I'm wondering why choose to be married to someone you don't have sexual chemistry with? I'm getting the sense a lot of people settle in their choice of spouse.


I didn't settle. I picked my soulmate. I chose the man who I fell in love with and who loved me more than any man on earth could. I honestly don't feel there is another man who walks this earth who would love me the way my husband does and I want to spend the rest of my life trying to be the wife he deserves.

My sexual situation does pose a problem at times. I'm trying to figure out healthy and realistic ways to deal with it, without betraying my marriage and my values. 

I don't think my situation is so unusual. And I'm willing to be brutally honest with myself, my hungers and explore healthy solutions. 

So far Brookstone has been a blessing. 

LOL


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I think sexual chemistry can develop over time. I've had it happen where I've met someone and had little interest in them until I got to know them better, especially if I saw them "in their element" where they at their best. That gets my attention, and it takes off from there. I start focusing more on them and noticing more and more little things and big things I admire or appreciate or connect with. Add a shared sense of humor, intellectual compatibility, and perspective on life, and it catches fire.

Honestly, it's not unlike how EA's start! People get comfortable with each other, and then start sharing with each other and admire and support, and the next thing you know, two people who had never had any interest in each other are ready to make it physical because the passion has built over time.

So, start looking at your husband. Start paying attention and start noticing the things you like about him, whether they be physical or intellectual or how he places his hand on the small of your back to guide you into a room with him or how cleverly he fixed the garbage disposal. Show him your appreciation or tell him, and he'll blossom under your admiration and appreciation. In turn, he'll start noticing you and it can turn into teasing, flirting chemistry.

And yes, you have to flirt with him! All the time! Show him that he's flipping your switches and he'll outdo himself to keep turning you on.

It's not fake it til you make it; it's being open and communicating your openness to passion. BE the change you want to achieve. 

If you have issues with your sexuality, though, you will need to get a handle on that and learn how you are sabotaging yourself with your own issues. If you have walls around sexuality or only see it as associated with negatives, you'll have a hard time embracing a healthy sexual passion rather than a drama-fueled type of chemistry.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

I don' t think you can "create" the sexual chemistry, but if you have it, it is very important to keep things spiced up to preserve it. I don't think you can choose whether to be attracted to someone or not. You feel it, or you don't. You cannot be convinced to feel sexual attraction, nor can it be won. 
I knew a lot of nice guys, golden heart, great personality, who wanted to be with me. But thr sexual attraction was not there, so they fell in the friends category. Their efforts to be kind, supportive, sweet to me , made me appreciate them as persons, and as friends, but didn't make me feel sexual chemistry.
I was mesmerized and had the "hots" for my h from the moment i laid eyes on him. He is my type exactly. I fell in love getting to know him better, but shoulf the basiv, the sexual attraction not have been there, he would have been just another friend. Sure, although he's hot, he could have had a bad personality and i would have cooled off. But for me, chemistry is the foundation, call me shallow or not. 
Once you found this kind of spark, don't let boredom settle.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

norajane said:


> I think sexual chemistry can develop over time. I've had it happen where I've met someone and had little interest in them until I got to know them better, especially if I saw them "in their element" where they at their best. That gets my attention, and it takes off from there. I start focusing more on them and noticing more and more little things and big things I admire or appreciate or connect with. Add a shared sense of humor, intellectual compatibility, and perspective on life, and it catches fire.
> 
> Honestly, it's not unlike how EA's start! People get comfortable with each other, and then start sharing with each other and admire and support, and the next thing you know, two people who had never had any interest in each other are ready to make it physical because the passion has built over time.
> 
> ...


I love this post more than you know. I do find myself attracted to my husband when I notice things like how he can take care of situations that make me fall apart. Because of my emotional problems I tend to have a hard time of being mindful and appreciative of the important things in life. I do think sexual chemistry can begin by having an EA with my husband. I guess it's kind of backward way to have a marriage but maybe it's my path.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

Hortensia said:


> I don' t think you can "create" the sexual chemistry, but if you have it, it is very important to keep things spiced up to preserve it. I don't think you can choose whether to be attracted to someone or not. You feel it, or you don't. You cannot be convinced to feel sexual attraction, nor can it be won.
> I knew a lot of nice guys, golden heart, great personality, who wanted to be with me. But thr sexual attraction was not there, so they fell in the friends category. Their efforts to be kind, supportive, sweet to me , made me appreciate them as persons, and as friends, but didn't make me feel sexual chemistry.
> I was mesmerized and had the "hots" for my h from the moment i laid eyes on him. He is my type exactly. I fell in love getting to know him better, but shoulf the basiv, the sexual attraction not have been there, he would have been just another friend. Sure, although he's hot, he could have had a bad personality and i would have cooled off. But for me, chemistry is the foundation, call me shallow or not.
> Once you found this kind of spark, don't let boredom settle.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think you are really lucky to find all of that in one person. But you might be a really healthy person to start with and have gifts that I don't. I think I can create sparks from kindness and safety. Plus, I do find my husband attractive; he's 6'2 with a handsome face and a nice build. He's not as "dirty" as I'd like but I was aware of that from the beginning.


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## Zing (Nov 15, 2012)

Wow this question and topic definitely pertain to me too... since my marriage is an arranged one, I (or my husband) had no options of trying and testing things.
He's my first and me his... we had quite a few arguments in the beginning of our married life which slowly settled as he changed and we got to understand each other better...so I'd consider us a normal couple. I'm definitely his haven of comfort and he mine..we're most comfortable with each other...loyal...devoted etc etc...just like Enchanted stated ..._he loves me more than any man on earth possibly could and I want to spend the rest of my life trying to be the wife he deserves_

However when it comes to sexual chemistry...i.e. when I read some of the comments here from the ladies about how 'they're aroused the moment they see their man'...how 'they fantasize about none other than their man'... how 'he just needed to walk past and they wanted to jump him'....ermmm...I've never really had such feelings...

Now since men are generally more visual creatures, (and since my husband'd been WAITING to get himself his girl) he couldn't keep his hands off me initially...he's shown significant signs of attraction to me through the years...so much so that he never speaks of/notices other women now (not even celebrities etc) which he used to when we initially met...he's said of his own accord that when I'm away on vacation (to visit family etc) he masturbates to only thoughts of me...he felt bad when he realized I didn't do the same...

Now don't take me wrong, I DO get aroused when we start the act...but there has to be a buildup...I'm not automatically aroused just thinking of him...when he touches me and we make love...I'm first emotionally aroused by the fact that he cares so much for me...and then that leads me to feelings mentally/physically...a passionate kiss doesn't arouse me - it makes me feel very very comforted/loved...whenever I miss him my sudden urges would always be more affectionate than sexual if you know what I mean... I'm giving and receiving a lot of emotional/physical love, but I so wish I could feel like what the other women here claim to feel...i.e. going-weak-in-the-knees-just-at-the-sight-of...

In order to orgasm if I'm not totally aroused, I have to help myself mentally a bit...now, I never fantasize myself with other guys ever because to me that's just morally wrong...but in order to finish I'm generally imagining scenes from romantic movies...some 'hot pair' from my imagination going through the notions and that does the trick...

So I have the same question as enchanted...what could one do to increase chemistry...what could 'I' do to reach this level of chemistry with my amazing husband that others here claim to have...


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## Zing (Nov 15, 2012)

and its the points that Norajane has stated that helps me keep up/build my love for my husband...but thank you for bringing it back to light...
my husband's an expert with computers... and whenever my laptop/computer starts acting up I hand it over to him... I don't know if its magic or what but these things definitely listen to him within a minute...the way he calmly talks an irked me through how to re-work my PC and how to handle the internet issues from office...those instances I absolutely wanna smother him with LOVE


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Enchanted, i genuinely wish for you to experience this spark. We all have a gift within us, as we are all unique in our own ways. If you can built sexual chemistry. from friendship and kindness, that is great...i would encourage you to work on it and make your marriage as good as possible. I find pickier than most women i knoe when it comes to physical appearence and sex-appeal in general; as a result, i've been alone for long time before meeting my h. But yes, i got lucky..and i work hard to keep what we have...just ask him, lol.
So, you should add little games to your sexual routine...like roleplay, sensual dance, toys, if you and him are into that. Don't limit yourself at sexual things..
For instance, during an apparent ordinary evening, i blindfolded my h and took him for a ride to a private tetrsce
on top of a manhattan skyscraper..other time i had stars painted on our bedroom ceiling and as he turned off the lights , i presented him a constellation named after him..he wad wowed
.sex was fantastic. You got the idea...try, and have fun
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Sorry abt the mispells..typing from cellphone hehe
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

Zing said:


> Wow this question and topic definitely pertain to me too... since my marriage is an arranged one, I (or my husband) had no options of trying and testing things.
> He's my first and me his... we had quite a few arguments in the beginning of our married life which slowly settled as he changed and we got to understand each other better...so I'd consider us a normal couple. I'm definitely his haven of comfort and he mine..we're most comfortable with each other...loyal...devoted etc etc...just like Enchanted stated ..._he loves me more than any man on earth possibly could and I want to spend the rest of my life trying to be the wife he deserves_
> 
> However when it comes to sexual chemistry...i.e. when I read some of the comments here from the ladies about how 'they're aroused the moment they see their man'...how 'they fantasize about none other than their man'... how 'he just needed to walk past and they wanted to jump him'....ermmm...I've never really had such feelings...
> ...


We are soul sisters because you've perfectly described my feelings towards my husband and our sexual relationship. My husband is also very devoted. He looks at porn from time to time but nothing excessive. He tells me everyday I'm beautiful and constantly has his hands on my girl parts. I find him attractive but I've never felt that weak-in-knees feeling either. But I'm sure that type of feeling isn't a sexual necessity for gratification and a sexually happy marriage.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

Hortensia said:


> Enchanted, i genuinely wish for you to experience this spark. We all have a gift within us, as we are all unique in our own ways. If you can built sexual chemistry. from friendship and kindness, that is great...i would encourage you to work on it and make your marriage as good as possible. I find pickier than most women i knoe when it comes to physical appearence and sex-appeal in general; as a result, i've been alone for long time before meeting my h. But yes, i got lucky..and i work hard to keep what we have...just ask him, lol.
> So, you should add little games to your sexual routine...like roleplay, sensual dance, toys, if you and him are into that. Don't limit yourself at sexual things..
> For instance, during an apparent ordinary evening, i blindfolded my h and took him for a ride to a private tetrsce
> on top of a manhattan skyscraper..other time i had stars painted on our bedroom ceiling and as he turned off the lights , i presented him a constellation named after him..he wad wowed
> ...


I love the constellation idea! I think if I intentionally infuse more romance in my marriage it will benefit both me and my husband.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

It was actually a gift on his name day. It came with a framed certificate that the following constellation has been named after him..lol. i gave it to him after he turned off the lights...he was so thrilled. We still have it. You should try it, it surely creates a romantic background.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I haven't read all the replies so forgive me if I am repeating someone's post.

I can only speak from my experience.

I believe sexual chemistry can be created.
I have done it already, and the average guy who knows his way around women can do it.
I have also felt it grow in me towards my wife throughout our marriage.
My definition of sexual chemistry is when two people feel deep inexplicable sexual urges to each other.
The lovemaking and sex is like an orchestra, everything flows to a certain melody.
They may even be total strangers.
If their bodies come together they would fit like two matching pieces from a jig saw puzzle.
If that person is in the same room as you, you suddenly feel butterflies in your stomach and your v-jay-jay responding. If he looks at you , you are unable to hold his stare , because you're afraid he might be able to see your thoughts.
From the casual touch on the arm , to the first kiss,there is hardly discomfort and after the lovemaking or sex you wonder what just happened, and how it happened.
Just the thought of that person arouses you.
You know he's bad for you but you are helpless.
Sometimes people think infatuation is chemistry. but sexual chemistry and sexual attraction goes hand in hand. 
It could also be one sided.
When two people have the same level of desire for each other, I think that's mad chemistry.

In marriage and long term relationships , that chemistry could start from zero and increase over time, once other needs are met and its fed.
Sometimes issues outside of the bedroom tend to interfere with sexual chemistry either positively or negatively.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

Caribbean Man said:


> I haven't read all the replies so forgive me if I am repeating someone's post.
> 
> I can only speak from my experience.
> 
> ...


That was beautifully written! CM is quite the romantic.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Why can't you explore your kinkier fantasies with your husband? Sorry, I don't know your back story. Have you tried that already?


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

Recipe for sexual chemistry:

2 parts pure oxygen
4 parts tequila
Lube
Hard weiner
Stiff tongue

Mix together liberally.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I keep going back and forth on this. If there was absolutely zero sexual chemistry, I don't think it is possible.

I'm looking at it this way. Would a heterosexual man be able to build sexual chemistry with a homosexual man?

So there has to be an attraction of some sort first........Right?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Enchanted said:


> I love this post more than you know. I do find myself attracted to my husband when I notice things like how he can take care of situations that make me fall apart. *Because of my emotional problems I tend to have a hard time of being mindful and appreciative of the important things in life.* I do think sexual chemistry can begin by having an EA with my husband. I guess it's kind of backward way to have a marriage but maybe it's my path.


Do you think you might be taking him a teensy bit for granted, unconsciously? How would you feel if there were a woman at his job or the neighbor lady who was trying to capture his attention? Who flirted and made a point of dressing up to show off her assets so he would turn his eye toward her? Or who straight up makes it clear she'd like to do him?

You've said that you think your hubby is a prize and no one could love you more. If the thought of another woman turning him on makes you angry or possessive, I'd think you have plenty of spark to work with to open the doors to passion.


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## lovemylife (Feb 13, 2012)

I think there has to be a bit of attraction to begin with, but that too can grow over time. There has been people that I didn't think were good looking at all, but once you get to know them and become better friends, they get more attractive than they were at the beginning. 

Tantric sex practices work on deeper connections between a couple. I think that could go a long way to creating a stronger desire for your partner. 

Having a positive outlook goes a long way too. If you focus on the positive things, what you like about how he looks, what he does, all the sweet and sexy things, you will see more positive all the time.

If however, you are focused on the negative, all the annoying things, then you will see more negative and that attraction will be lost as well.

LOL, love the part about the stars. My mom actually does this, painting the stars on ceilings and walls, that glow in the dark and look like the real sky. It is very relaxing and romantic as well, kind of like you are playing around outside, under the stars, without the weather complications.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> I keep going back and forth on this. If there was absolutely zero sexual chemistry, I don't think it is possible.
> 
> I'm looking at it this way. Would a heterosexual man be able to build sexual chemistry with a homosexual man?
> 
> So there has to be an attraction of some sort first........Right?


I think in that case there is not even a _possibility _of any sexual attraction existing. That makes it a very different scenario than one where it's possible although might not yet have been sparked or awakened.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

norajane said:


> I think in that case there is not even a _possibility _of any sexual attraction existing. That makes it a very different scenario than one where it's possible although might not yet have been sparked or awakened.


If you say so. sigh


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Enchanted said:


> I've seen lots of threads about bad marriages and sexual infidelity. It seems a lot of times the reasons the partners stray is due to bedroom boredom. I want to avoid this since it's wrong to cheat and it doesn't seem anyone ever ends up happy.
> 
> I have a good marriage to a loving, kind man. We never had sexual chemistry but we do have strong affection to one another.
> 
> Can one create sexual chemistry in a good marriage?


Yes. You have to want to. You will have to take the lead. It starts with increasing intimacy. Working on oneself to be the most attractive you can be to your partner within reason.

You can try various things realizing that only some of them will have the impact you want. Some trial and error.

Intimacy plus passion leads to hot sex IMO.


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## Zing (Nov 15, 2012)

norajane said:


> Do you think you might be taking him a teensy bit for granted, unconsciously? How would you feel if there were a woman at his job or the neighbor lady who was trying to capture his attention? Who flirted and made a point of dressing up to show off her assets so he would turn his eye toward her? Or who straight up makes it clear she'd like to do him?
> 
> You've said that you think your hubby is a prize and no one could love you more. If the thought of another woman turning him on makes you angry or possessive, I'd think you have plenty of spark to work with to open the doors to passion.


you're right in that in situations where it might appear that other partner seems to be 'more in love' than us (remember I refer to the 'in love' feeling...not love itself) we might unintentionally take our partner for granted... at least some of the deeds and gestures he does...
its constant reminders, instances, circumstances advice on TAM etc that allows us to keep that in balance...

as for the other question, I've mentioned before that I tease my husband's (obviously non-present) interest in some hot celebrity every now and again- labelling 'her' as his crush... however, I know I do this only because he is such a devoted husband...if he was the type to have a roving-gaze and/or stray, I would never be doing anything like this... in fact even mentally assuming a scenario where he might become closer to another woman starts making me feel very possessive (which I'm rarely ever of him)...so does this mean that I have chemistry or at least the potential to have it...

basically my question is 
Is loving = chemistry?

Loving & affectionate -> I am loads (to both husband and kids)
I admire him when he steps out of a shower or when he's dressed to go to work
However, I am not aroused the moment I see/think of him. 
Having said that, if he makes advances on me at this point, I am welcoming...


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

norajane said:


> Do you think you might be taking him a teensy bit for granted, unconsciously? How would you feel if there were a woman at his job or the neighbor lady who was trying to capture his attention? Who flirted and made a point of dressing up to show off her assets so he would turn his eye toward her? Or who straight up makes it clear she'd like to do him?
> 
> You've said that you think your hubby is a prize and no one could love you more. If the thought of another woman turning him on makes you angry or possessive, I'd think you have plenty of spark to work with to open the doors to passion.


If another woman showed interest in my husband I'd be insanely jealous. 

OK, you're right, there's the spark. I think my marriage needs more fun in it. Last night we went to a wedding. It was the first time, in a very long time that we danced, drank and chatted with other people. It wasn't a huge thrilling night but it was good for us to get out and do something different.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Enchanted said:


> We find each other attractive. We easily cuddle and hold hands. However, when he tries to kiss me passionately I do pull away. I don't have animalistic urges for him, I never did. We both discussed this about two years ago that our sexual chemistry never seemed to be there but we want to be together.
> 
> In the past, the men who turned on were very verbally aggressive in bed. I'm not into the hitting part of BDSM but I get very excited over the psychological part. The dirty talk was so extreme and wild which was combined with a lot of intense eye contact and wrestling. I liked the feeling of danger. However, the danger was real since these men were dangerous, so I knew those relationships couldn't last. At the same time, I can't help what turns me on which is why my fantasies are pretty kinky.
> 
> ...


Not being snarky, but I think this could be a huge learning experience for men including myself.

Why? Can you do the tough work and make a list?


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> Not being snarky, but I think this could be a huge learning experience for men including myself.
> 
> Why? Can you do the tough work and make a list?


You bolded "vibrators" in your quote so I'm confused about this list you'd like me to create.

Can you be more specific?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Enchanted said:


> You bolded "vibrators" in your quote so I'm confused about this list you'd like me to create.
> 
> Can you be more specific?


Sure. I didn't mean to embarrass. I was thinking that you would go so far as to use vibrators before you would stoop to cheating. In my book, that's pretty noble. Maybe not the best way to handle the situation, but better in my mind than cheating.

What are your reasons for choosing a path other than cheating? See, the vibrators really don't have as much to do with it as I mistakenly implied.

Is it what is inside of you; how you were brought up? 

Is it the satisfactory nature of the man you chose when all is well? If so, is it his physical size or his prowess at love-making?

Is it some 'attitude' he showed you that keeps you working to better what you have and you know it can come back if he works on himself a little?

Is it just your competitive nature which won't let you give up because you would have to admit defeat? Not quite worded right, but I hope you get my meaning.

Is it a combination of the above? 

I guess I'm trying to figure out what makes some women decide to stay. Saying boundaries have been crossed which make some women bail is not enough for me to "settle" my mind. I am looking to find just a general rule of thumb. After all, we are all different, but looking into the thoughts of someone who is in a position which is conducive to many cheaters and finding someone who chooses not to cheat is fairly rare. I thought I might learn something, look at myself to see what I have done wrong and work on those things so I might improve my chances of finding a faithful woman.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Enchanted said:


> If another woman showed interest in my husband I'd be insanely jealous.
> 
> OK, you're right, there's the spark. I think my marriage needs more fun in it. Last night we went to a wedding. It was the first time, in a very long time that we danced, drank and chatted with other people. It wasn't a huge thrilling night but it was good for us to get out and do something different.


Yes! Date your husband! Flirt, have fun, _enjoy _each other.

Valentine's Day is coming up. Plan something fun and romantic, whatever that might mean to you. 

I've found the more I put into it, the more I get out of it, and that includes love, sex, and romance. A little champagne doesn't hurt, either.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> Sure. I didn't mean to embarrass. I was thinking that you would go so far as to use vibrators before you would stoop to cheating. In my book, that's pretty noble. Maybe not the best way to handle the situation, but better in my mind than cheating.
> 
> What are your reasons for choosing a path other than cheating? See, the vibrators really don't have as much to do with it as I mistakenly implied.
> 
> ...


OK. I understand better.

First off, I want to start off by saying I'm not squeaky clean when it comes to temptation. I have a past which I'm not proud of and prefer not to discuss. That being said you may not want to continue reading but I'll expand, just in case you do.

Cheating is soul crushing for everyone involved and never leads to anything good. So that's not an option. I'd be lost without my husband. I have very few people in my life who I can count on and my husband is my biggest support system. He is my life-line and if I lost him I'd doubt I'd have much will to live.

But I have these kinky desires that I'd rather not have but I do have. I can work out stuff my husband isn't into by using my imagination and a vibrator. I'd rather do that then lose him.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Enchanted said:


> OK. I understand better.
> 
> First off, I want to start off by saying* I'm not squeaky clean*
> 
> ...


I wasn't trying to get into your personal issues as much as I was just trying to figure out what it is that makes you refuse to cheat. There are many other women who won't cheat. They are generally not.........maybe I'm barking up the wrong tree. Thank you. I'll bow out now. I appreciate your response. I have great respect for women who decide to fight the urges to cheat. It is very noble and noteworthy. "bows from waist to you" Again, thank you.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> I wasn't trying to get into your personal issues as much as I was just trying to figure out what it is that makes you refuse to cheat. There are many other women who won't cheat. They are generally not.........maybe I'm barking up the wrong tree. Thank you. I'll bow out now. I appreciate your response. I have great respect for women who decide to fight the urges to cheat. It is very noble and noteworthy. "bows from waist to you" Again, thank you.


I did answer your question but I'm not sure you understood the answer:

_"Cheating is soul crushing for everyone involved and never leads to anything good. So that's not an option. I'd be lost without my husband. I have very few people in my life who I can count on and my husband is my biggest support system. He is my life-line and if I lost him I'd doubt I'd have much will to live."
_

To rephrase it:

I choose not to cheat because I view my husband as my chance for survival, without him I think my life would be desperate and meaningless. Survival instincts are stronger than sexual instincts.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Enchanted said:


> I did answer your question but I'm not sure you understood the answer:
> 
> _"Cheating is soul crushing for everyone involved and never leads to anything good. So that's not an option. I'd be lost without my husband. I have very few people in my life who I can count on and my husband is my biggest support system. He is my life-line and if I lost him I'd doubt I'd have much will to live."
> _
> ...


No, I got your answer. It wasn't what I was looking for. I hear you and I apologize for the misunderstanding.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Enchanted said:


> My sexual situation does pose a problem at times. I'm trying to figure out healthy and realistic ways to deal with it, without betraying my marriage and my values.
> 
> I don't think my situation is so unusual. And I'm willing to be brutally honest with myself, my hungers and explore healthy solutions.
> 
> LOL


I used tp think my wife was the one with sexual issues...

I met my wife in a night club neither one of us were drinking or smoking... There was a spark at first sight.. we danced all evening and we parted and I didn't get her number.

several months later ewe met up again and I finally got her number and we had luch every day the following week.

With my issues... My Dad cheated on my mom, divorced, moved to another state and IU didn't see him for years until my mom was about to die from alcohol. 

During that time, my mom brough home men and had sex with me in the same room...jeez

Many years later, my Dad was cheating on my step-mom and was bragging to me about it and thought I would give him an atta boy...Give me a break. 

So my attitude on sex is so different than my wife...

Chemistry? I think there are tricks we can do to improve chemistry, change our attitude, dress better, but if it takes too much effort, it won't last.

When people meet, we are on our best behavior...it's an act for the most part.

If my wife knew back then what was going on in my mind, she would have left in a heartbeat. 

We may not be able to creat chemistry, but with work, we can have more passion.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> No, I got your answer. It wasn't what I was looking for. I hear you and I apologize for the misunderstanding.


Sorry. I want to help.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Enchanted said:


> I choose not to cheat because I view my husband as my chance for survival, without him I think my life would be desperate and meaningless. Survival instincts are stronger than sexual instincts.


My wife is everything to me too. My life would be over without her. My sexual thinking is just crazy. It's just my thoughts. I know where I came from and all that I experienced with my pathetic parents. I never want my daughter to feel the same way about me as I did my parents.

All that playes a role in the energy we put out and the chemistry we have with our partner.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

Already Gone said:


> I used tp think my wife was the one with sexual issues...
> 
> I met my wife in a night club neither one of us were drinking or smoking... There was a spark at first sight.. we danced all evening and we parted and I didn't get her number.
> 
> ...


I'll be happy with more passion. I think that would be wonderful. I, like you, came from such dysfunctional parents who couldn't teach me how to develop healthy romantic relationships. We need to teach ourselves that and be patient with our progress, which sometimes seems slow. But I think motivation and strong desire to make things right goes a long way.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

Already Gone said:


> My wife is everything to me too. My life would be over without her. My sexual thinking is just crazy. It's just my thoughts. I know where I came from and all that I experienced with my pathetic parents. I never want my daughter to feel the same way about me as I did my parents.
> 
> All that playes a role in the energy we put out and the chemistry we have with our partner.


Perfectly stated.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

MaritimeGuy said:


> I believe sex is a symptom of a failing relationship not the cause of it. If you're not having good sex together it means something is off. It takest honest communication to figure it out and try to fix it. Sometimes though, it can't be fixed.


I'm a little late to the game here, but your supposition is a gross oversimplification.

It's when it can't be fixed that you know it isn't a symptom of something else.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I've never met someone who I was instantly sexually attracted to. I needed to get to know them first, get to know their personality etc. I was married for 24 years (married young), and when I first met my exh, I was not attracted to him at all, I was just like, meh, ok. Once I got to know him and we became intimate, we had great sexual chemistry, and for years. Sadly, I fell out of love with him, and as much as I tried I could never get that connection back. Then I began dating and met someone who I wan't intitally attracted to, but devolped an attraction. It was an intensly sexual relationship, and interestingly not healthy for me, and I wonder if that's why the chemistry was over the top. I had to end the relationship. The person I've been dating for three months was someone who I liked right away, but not necessary sexually attracted to. The more I got to know him, the more I liked him, the more I was sexually attracted to him. 

I don't really have any advice except that after years you probably have to bring some spice into the relationship, it's only normal. Of course that doesn't mean other people, but toys, vacations, and doing different things as a couple. I really like the teasing over days with no sexual contact, it builds excitement.

good luck


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Enchanted said:


> Cheating is soul crushing for everyone involved and never leads to anything good. So that's not an option. I'd be lost without my husband. I have very few people in my life who I can count on and my husband is my biggest support system. He is my life-line and if I lost him I'd doubt I'd have much will to live.
> 
> But I have these kinky desires that I'd rather not have but I do have. I can work out stuff my husband isn't into by using my imagination and a vibrator. I'd rather do that then lose him.


Hopefully, you understand that everyone has different views on sexual chemistry. Unfortunately, because my father was very manipulative and proud of his skill in seducing women, especially married ones, I became jaded. I wanted to believe that there was something profound about chemistry and love. I think the truth, however, lies in between. There was an excellent NBC investigation about it a few years ago, which compiled a lot of psychological study. 

I'd propose asking yourself some very hard questions, although I want to make it clear that I'm not suggesting that there is some sort of harsh secret behind the issue. I just think that pursuing different lines of thought can help a person frame the subject in a way that we can improve. For instance, think about the relative roles in the relationship. Does he tend to consider himself lucky that he won your heart? Do you? Does he really seem to try to study you because he finds your thoughts and actions mesmerizing? How about you? Has he suggested an awareness that he must try to learn to see things through your eyes, because he knows that you appreciate different things than him? How about you? Do you place the same importance upon learning to see the relationship through his eyes? Does he seem driven to grow the relationship because he knows that others would be lucky to have the same relationship with you? How about you?

It might be painfully obvious, but what I'm getting at is that we can learn to think through the mind of our partner to put us both on level ground. It hasn't been really talked about so far, but it seems hard to believe that he hasn't noticed this missing chemistry. But it could be that working to see things through his eyes, such as how you have the unique ability to inspire passion in him, might help you grow in your own desire for him.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

If I go way way back to my Navy days, a gf I had happened to be a stripper. I didn't know it when I first met her though. I just though she danced awesome. when we came into port, my buddies and I saw her dancing on stage. AG...Isn't that your gf? It was even better when they saw me walking out the door hand in hand. The sexual chemistry was definitely there as well as my ego. Maybe she was just as sick as me in that area. Sex and alcohol was all that was.

Even after the military, another gf was all about sex. The chemistry was there too. She never wanted to go out. So I'd hang out with friends and later in the evening she would always come over when I called. When I started to talk about my history...She was out the door and I never saw her again. ouch.

So I stopped drinking and soon met my wife. She didn't drink, didn't smoke, was a virgin and I wanted a change... I was changing before we met. When I told her my baggage, she didn't bolt. 20 years later, she is still here. I would think she would grow sexually and be willing to try different things. I've grown so much. I just wish she would grow sexually.

I have to remember that I am not the same person I was 20 years ago. The women back then were toxic for me. 

I agree with Hailen... I try to see things through my wife's eyes.
She may not know how to show me love in the language I would like , but I know she feels lucky to have me. I feel fortunate to have found somebody as innocent ans sweet as she is. She keeps me from going off the deep end.

My wife has come a very long way. It may be a good thing that she doesn't want to do all the kinky things that I would like. It would be an utter failure.

Again to paraphrase what Hailen stated...we need to find the middle ground.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

Already Gone and Halien you both bring up interesting points. I do think I have a selfish streak in me and tend to focus on my own needs. I need to change that behavior. The more I focus on my husband the more giving of a wife I'll be which will probably be more fulfilling. 

Right now, I still get aroused at hard-core dirty talk and spontaneous sex which just isn't who my husband is. I need to come to terms with that and be OK. I'm working on it.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Enchanted said:


> Already Gone and Halien you both bring up interesting points. I do think I have a selfish streak in me and tend to focus on my own needs. I need to change that behavior. The more I focus on my husband the more giving of a wife I'll be which will probably be more fulfilling.
> 
> Right now, I still get aroused at hard-core dirty talk and spontaneous sex which just isn't who my husband is. I need to come to terms with that and be OK. I'm working on it.


I've been "working on it" for 20 some years and my thinking is still there. I can't control my thinking. I can control my behavior. Even that is a challenge. However, if I always focus on my wife and her needs and she doesn't attempt the same, my thoughts wonder. The sexual chemistry just doesn't exist between us without putting in way too much effort.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

When you talk to your hubby, Have you tried to just think of sex? mentally undress him. Give him that "look" If he smiles, complement his smile, or cute dimples. "I love it when you tilt you head to the side", " I love that sparkle in your eyes", "The color of your shirt make you look hot", "I adore you hairy chest", or hairless chest (whichever it is). " I love your muscular shoulder". As long as there is something you can complement him with. I know after all the years together I may not work. Just thinking out loud.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Enchanted said:


> Right now, I still get aroused at hard-core dirty talk and spontaneous sex which just isn't who my husband is. I need to come to terms with that and be OK. I'm working on it.


Being that your husband doesn't like spontaneous (I usually don't because my wife never wants sex when I want it ) try to write a hot sexual message on the bathroom mirror in the morning before he leaves for work, telling him what you want to do tonight. then remind him with a text.

When I do that, my wife is ready. I "think" she looks forward to it then.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

Already Gone said:


> Being that your husband doesn't like spontaneous (I usually don't because my wife never wants sex when I want it ) try to write a hot sexual message on the bathroom mirror in the morning before he leaves for work, telling him what you want to do tonight. then remind him with a text.
> 
> When I do that, my wife is ready. I "think" she looks forward to it then.


Those are all good suggestions. I need to figure out ways to get him to seduce me. This weekend we went to a wedding and for the first time in months he saw me in a tight black mini-dress and pumps. My hair and makeup was done to perfection. He looked at me and said "You look exactly like you did when we were dating." I guess we should go out more so he can see me in clothes other than ripped up sweats.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

I don't think you can manufacture chemistry; either you have it or you don't. You can be best friends with a girl over a long stretch, and then along comes someone with all the same likes, common interests, hobbies and BAM! Immediate chemistry. Either it's there or it's not. Just MHO.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

In terms of marriage though, what is sexual chemistry? Is it getting turned on by your husband or is it not getting turned off by your husband?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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