# The Way-Back Machine...



## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

I was searching for a an old post in my Facebook archives this morning, and ran across this from January 2010...



> One of my wife's co-workers told her yesterday, "I loved watching you and your husband dance at the company christmas party... It's so nice to see a married couple who are still in love."


...and we were. And this was something she wrote on my birthday, two years ago...



> Do you remember the year that we ran around the grocery store like crazy people with _[DS14]_ in the shopping cart, singing 'Happy Happy Birthday Birthday' loudly and (at least on my part) off key? It would probably be weird if the kids & I did that for you... so I'll just say that I hope your day is full of wonderment and zanity.


It still amazes me how she's forgotten all the good times in her haste to find someone new.


Pb.


----------



## rsersen (Jan 30, 2013)

It is amazing. I got that whole spiel as well - never meant anything, not sure she ever was in love with me. When I tried to bring up good memories (before going 180), she waved them away, saying that they felt no different to her than any other memories with good friends.

Then I go through old Facebook posts, letters, emails, photos, birthday/christmas/anniversary/valentines cards, and I think...this woman deserves an Oscar. I'm just not sure if she's pulling a great acting job now, or back then.

But when the sheen of the new relationship has worn off, or it ends, those memories will resurface - as much as they try to forget or write them off as meaningless, they always come back up. Too bad (for her) that it'll be too late by then.


----------



## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

After ILYBNILWY I went and liked/promoted all the facebook posts like this. Showing off the new wedding ring I had made for her, posts bragging about her hubby, etc. 

It was pointless and needy. 

She saw it as proof that I didn't love and appreciate her, because I hadn't liked every single one of them when she posted them. 

We know there were good times. She doesn't have the power to take that from me. The last decade was not a waste. I had fun.


----------



## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

oh yes oh yes.
i was just thinking yesterday about how when wife was involved with OM, and i would do something that she didnt like or that didnt put her needs first and foremost, i was the WORLDS MOST TERRIBLE HUSBAND AND FATHER.
it makes me laugh now. im actually a pretty good husband and father. and i was then, too.


----------



## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Ha. 

X told me "I'm trying SO hard to be civil with you". 

I said, "why do you have to try so hard? What have I ever done to you that is so terrible?"

X - "you took money out of my wallet without asking me". 

:rofl: Man, I'm such an @ss!


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

zillard said:


> She saw it as proof that I didn't love and appreciate her, because I hadn't liked every single one of them when she posted them.


That's classic.


----------



## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

zillard said:


> Ha.
> 
> X told me "I'm trying SO hard to be civil with you".
> 
> ...


She's wondering what happened to her puppet strings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

zillard said:


> Ha.
> 
> X told me "I'm trying SO hard to be civil with you".
> 
> ...


How old is she?


----------



## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Conrad said:


> How old is she?


biologically 29
emotionally 6ish


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

zillard said:


> biologically 29
> emotionally 6ish


She's young enough to eventually get her shix together.

It gets more difficult the older you get.

For example, Ostera took back his serial cheating 50 plus STBXW.

How do you think that will turn out?


----------



## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

I agree she could. She is a strong individual, but completely terrified. 

IC recommended months of intense trauma therapy or a brief inpatient program followed by years of therapy. I think if she did one of those in a year or so she could be in must better spot than she is now. 

Easy to fall into the trap of wondering if I move with D7 will it be a catalyst for change or throw her over the edge. But that's my fixer part talking.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

zillard said:


> I agree she could. She is a strong individual, but completely terrified.
> 
> IC recommended months of intense trauma therapy or a brief inpatient program followed by years of therapy. I think if she did one of those in a year or so she could be in must better spot than she is now.
> 
> Easy to fall into the trap of wondering if I move with D7 will it be a catalyst for change or throw her over the edge. But that's my fixer part talking.


Correct - not your problem.


----------



## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

I guess it's just the extent of the self-delusion, self-denial and avoidance that she's burying herself in that boggles my mind...

I had a chat with my mother-in-law last night. Turns out that STBXW hasn't spoken with her in nearly 2 years... Not even last fall, when her grandma was sick in the hospital.

MIL had no idea what was going on. She asked what happened, and so we talked about it a while. It got to a point where I felt like I was ragging on STBXW in front of her Mom, but when I apologized for it, MIL took my side...

_"Don't be sorry I am always here for you and the grandkids - I understand and I really hope you are going to be okay"_

...and...

_"[STBXW] has always been self centered - never admitted to being wrong - I always told her one day life would slap her in her face and she would have to come out of her dream world and face reality"_

...and...

_"Well, you have to do what is best for you and the kids - please keep in touch - don't let her bring you down keep your chin up"_

Wow.

STBXW is not only rewriting the past, but she's ostracizing herself from everyone who cares about her who would try to confront her about what's really going on.


Pb.


----------



## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Yes, little girls running and hiding from themselves. 

X cut off her BFF from high school last year for a misunderstanding over dog sitting (supposedly). In reality her friend was 1 year into therapy and frequently talking about healing parts of herself damaged by her mother in childhood. Realizing her mother was rotten, it was not BFFs fault, and also forgiveness. 

This was too much for X as it brought up feelings of her own BPD/NPD mother, who she hasn't spoken to in 5 years. So she cut off her friend. 

BFF has me over for dinner a bit and is an available babysitter - free. She called the day before my bday, told me she would have me over for dinner on my bday but her husband would be out of town so it would be inappropriate - so called me a day early instead. There is a good woman!

I told her about zoo plans for D7 and turns out she was to be there the same day. She and her daughters ran into us at the zoo. Completely surprised X. 

BFF told X she would always be her BFF. X nearly blushed. 

She has people that love her. Who knows if she'll ever quit running.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Pbartender said:


> I guess it's just the extent of the self-delusion, self-denial and avoidance that she's burying herself in that boggles my mind...
> 
> I had a chat with my mother-in-law last night. Turns out that STBXW hasn't spoken with her in nearly 2 years... Not even last fall, when her grandma was sick in the hospital.
> 
> ...


Pb,

This surprises you?

You see, behaving codependently merely allows her to dump all that anger and trash on you.

Once you step away, others get it, and, without a course correction, they end up alone and bitter.


----------



## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Pb,
> 
> This surprises you?
> 
> ...


It doesn't really surprise me... At least not anymore.

I just have a hard time wrapping my head around the lengths she's going to, to avoid facing her own problems.

And looking back over the last two years... You're right. I think even before I understood what was really going on, there came a point when I was emotionally exhausted from bearing all the weight of our collective problems, and I subconsciously started taking those first tentative baby steps out of the drama triangle. It was when I first started admitting to myself my own co-dependent-nice-guy-syndrome share of the problem and began to stand up and hold her responsible for her mistakes. That, I think, is when she really started going downhill.

Just like all her old high school and college friends, like all her close family, she started cutting me off and running away when I finally told her that she'd made a mistake and she needs to clean up her own mess. Only, it's not as easy to cut off your husband, as it is friends and family who live out of state.

It's makes me wonder how long it'll take before she'll have to do it all over again with her new batch of friends. I almost feel sorry for her new boyfriend... He really doesn't know what he's in for, and probably wouldn't believe me, if I told him.


Pb.


----------



## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

zillard said:


> She saw it as proof that I didn't love and appreciate her, because I hadn't liked every single one of them when she posted them.


This post has been in the back of my mind since yesterday, and I finally figured out what it was reminding me of...

About a year and a half ago, my STBXW pulled me aside, and told me that the previous night, while she was at a party with friends from work, she got pretty drunk and made out with a co-worker on the dance floor.

I was pretty mad about it, but I was also in shock... Things hadn't been going well, but this was the first big revelation. I was doing my level best to stay calm about it all, and not do or say anything stupid.

I still loved her then, and in my codependent way, I still trusted her, so we talked about it. She gave me assurances that it only happened once, it wouldn't happen again, and it only happened because she was so drunk. I told her truthfully and as calmly as possible that mistakes happen and that I forgive her, but that it would take time for me to work through the loss of trust.

I spent the rest of the day replanting a flowerbed.

Later, she got mad at me, because, "You didn't react when I told you... You weren't even surprised that I did it! Like it was something you expected me to do."

So likewise, Z, she saw it as proof that I had always suspected her of being unfaithful.


Pb.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Pbartender said:


> I just have a hard time wrapping my head around the lengths she's going to, to avoid facing her own problems.


Once again, you must not underestimate the power of fear.

I think more than 80% of what happens in life is fear-based.

It's a tremendous motivator.

However, in your wife's case, she likely has PTSD. Facing her own problems would be admitting she's made mistakes. PTSD victims are extraordinarily averse to admitting fault because their emotional centers are dead-level sure that harsh swift punishment will follow.

So, they blameshift.


----------



## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

It does say something that she admitted the next day to making out. 

Mine admitted to kissing only but after exposure of EA and lies. Still don't believe it was just kissing. But her PTSD is bad, and she never admits anything so it *could* be the case. 

Doubtful though for many reasons.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Pbartender said:


> Later, she got mad at me, because, "You didn't react when I told you... You weren't even surprised that I did it! Like it was something you expected me to do."


Gee, and you're surprised she wants everything in the divorce.

Seriously, you guys are cracking me up today.


----------



## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

zillard said:


> It does say something that she admitted the next day to making out.


It's only thing she ever admitted to... About the same time, she started sexting with a different co-worker. _That_ she tried to hide from me, and then lied about it to my face when I caught her red-handed.

Anyway, in hindsight, I think the kissing thing was her first real attempt at either trying to goad me into a spectacularly angry response so she would have justification for what she was doing, or it was her trying to goad me into ending the marriage so she wouldn't have to feel guilty about doing it herself.

Either way, it didn't work out how she planned.


Pb.


----------

