# someone help



## tia41 (Mar 10, 2010)

I have been married almost 20 yrs and my husband works all the time not a day off yesterday he left his phone home so I went through it and saw some texting to a lady he text her a couple of times wanted to know where she is wished her happy valentines day on valentines he also said if you don't want to see me can we just be friends when I asked him he said that there was nothing going on and he knows her for a long time and it's just talk does anyone care to share thoughts is this calling cheating or am I making too much out of this?


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

The "if you dont want to see me we can just be friends" comment indicates if not an affair, seems there may be intention.

You have to let him know how it makes you feel... Set aside the text message and tell him openly and honestly how you feel and what you want. Ask him to tell you what you could do to make him feel loved such that he would be interested in someone else, hurting you.

You need (my opinion) to get to the bottom of why he is driven to someone else. The earlier you start communicating honestly, the quicker you can determine what the direction will be.
Sorry to say this but you need to be careful of your reactions now.. you need to be strong... strong emotional reactions mith make getting to the truth more difficult. 


Ask him if he would go to a therapist with you!
Ask him if he still wants to be married to you...


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## tia41 (Mar 10, 2010)

Thank you for the reply it's just drives me crazy to think about him talking to an other woman. The text he used if don't want to see me it's all good and the friend part is killing me. If he was just talking to someone just talk he would not care if they wanted to be his friends or not but the understanding I got from all the texts is that cares for her maybe more than a friend I mean he even text it her on Valentine's Day wishing her happy valentine's and asked her to reply to him and the next day he send the same text that what makes me upset and mad at the same time and when I question him he just said it's nothing. I can't stop thinking about it and I am as upset as yesterday and more upset today!!!


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## tia41 (Mar 10, 2010)

Thank you for the advice I really needed someone to talk to this is driving me so crazy. I have been a good wife to him have 4 children that I take care all the time and have no social life and no communication with anyone and to see all that I felt so hurt. What is eating my brain is the one text when he said if you don't want to see me it's all good. And the happy Valentine's he send her on Valentine's and wanted a reply. The good night sunshine he used an other night when he text her and at 10pm at night so it makes me wonder if this is more than just a friend is killing me inside. When I asked him he denied it and said there is nothing going on and it's just talk and he does not remember or recall the texts he would have to see them to remember. That's a bunch of bull**** to me. I told him if I catch him again he is out. I don't know if I am making to much out of this but I trust my gut feeling and something is telling me there is something wrong with this picture!!


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Slow down tia,

Seems to me there is more and your gut is correct. ok.. Accept that.
If you make idle threats or ones you're not sure you would follow though on you are making sure he will not tell you the truth and you are setting yourself up for more hurt when/if the bad truth really comes out.

Decide if you love him and want to stay with him. Then calmly explain you belive there to be more.. Doesnt matter what his response is,,, YOU belive there is more, you're hurt about it and you want to help regain your relationship to a good point so he is happy. (cause seems he may not be). 
Then ask him if he will set aside (stop texting and talking) and work with you to make a nice relationship and get back together close. if he says yes then you can start working on that. If he says no then he and you need to decide if its time to quit. 

Honest open communication is very key. You cannot make good decisions without good truthful information.
Settle down , stop the mind running and try to be determined and resolute in what you want to do.. Make the steps to get what you want.


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## tia41 (Mar 10, 2010)

you are right my head is spinning and i have to stop and think and regardless what he says I have to stick with my gut. We women never wrong and although we spoke about it yesterday i will talk to him again today and let him know how i feel. I just feel so hurt because I though he would never do something like this!!!


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

MANY people go though what you and he are going through..
I'm POSITIVE his intention was not to hurt you..
He did take a risk to hurt you, but again... probably not his intention. If you want to fix it ... focus on that (the fixing) not the event that led to your awareness of something wrong.

good luck!!!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Why does he work all the time w/o a day off? Is this necessary for his job or your financial situation? Did this just start recently?

Offering to work late/extra days can also be a red flag when there are other red flags.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

tia41 said:


> We women never wrong


oh THATS a BUNCH OF CRAP... hahaha but wrong much less frequent than men... k?

compromise!!


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## tia41 (Mar 10, 2010)

He has to work because of the work he does he chooses too. He can take a day off if he wants to but his in the restaurant business and with workers and all that one day they show up and the next they don't so he fills in for everyone. And it did not start recently he worked since he was a teen so he does not know how to have fun or do anything else.


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## tia41 (Mar 10, 2010)

Ok ladies I just send him a text telling him that the idea of him speaking to an other woman and finding comfort by speaking to her and wanting so much to be her friend hurts more than he knows and he said ok let this story end there is nothing there. So do I leave it alone? Thanks for the advice!!!


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

I would not let him brush you off like that. NO.

btw... i AM as sexy as that masked picture... but not a lady!!

hahahah


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## tia41 (Mar 10, 2010)

sorry I could not tell because of the mask. So what do you think I should? I told him how I feel and all that so what else is there to say?
or do? By the way thank you for taking the time to talk to me I really appreciate it. I can't talk to anyone else about this because people are weird and I don't know what kind of advice I will get from someone close to me I mean like a friend or a close family member!!


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

tia41 said:


> sorry I could not tell because of the mask. So what do you think I should? I told him how I feel and all that so what else is there to say?
> or do? By the way thank you for taking the time to talk to me I really appreciate it. I can't talk to anyone else about this because people are weird and I don't know what kind of advice I will get from someone close to me I mean like a friend or a close family member!!


Sure tia.

Well in some non-confrontational way you should explain that the answer is not satisfactory based on what you read.
You love him and regardless of whatever it is the other woman is to him, you want to talk and you want to feel loved and secure in your marriage.
Tell him you have some insecurities and ask if he would go with you to counseling.

If you let him brush you off, you could be allowing him to go further into that relationship or a different one.
This is total opinion based on what you wrote but definately seems somethig is not right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tia41 (Mar 10, 2010)

I spoke to him last night again and I was able to open up more. He told me he was sorry and that I was right in everything I said. He still wants to be married. He knows what he did was wrong. I know that I might have pushed him to talk to this woman because lately I was pushing him away. It started around Valentine's that I was kind of maybe I should say mean and grouchy. I mean I did not even wish him happy valentine's or gave him a kiss and that' s
when he started talking that whole month. Not that it makes it ok that he did that but I guess he felt I was ignoring him. You see we have 4 children and I get so tired doing everything and when he comes home late I just feel drained and so tired that I don't want to be bothered for anything. I didn't think this could happen to us and I did not expect this from him. If I did not see those text messages with my own eyes I would not have believed that my husband was capable of doing something like that. Anyway I hope I can get over this because I went through so much in my life and sometimes I just let the past follow me and that hurts me a lot.


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## tia41 (Mar 10, 2010)

This is the 3rd day that I know about the other woman and I still feel so sad. I feel like crying is this normal? I feel that I can't get up and do anything and all I want to do is read what kind of advice people would give me about this matter. Why does it hurt so much? Can I forget about this and go on? He thinks I should let this story end there was nothing there and he loves me only.


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## tia41 (Mar 10, 2010)

Where are you 63Vino I can use some of your advice today!!!


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