# Marriage Trouble and Where do we go from here



## nicolelynne0516 (Jan 2, 2022)

Let me start by saying that I married my current husband very quickly and abruptly after divorcing my ex-husband who is the father to my 2 kids. I have a 11- & 12-year-old, my current husband and I married in May 2021, prior to getting married I made him aware of the horrific child custody battle I have been going through for a couple of years now.
After marrying, I had extreme doubts and wasn't comfortable with my choice but said Well it is done now, so let's try to make this work. Of course, first few months were fun and exciting and then we got to what I thought would be the end of my child custody case and my former husband was awarded primary custody of both of our children. I was absolutely devastated, I have never been away from them, and I was a stay-at-home parent for many years. I had what looked to be a breakdown and still til now am working through all of this. 
In November I went to Michigan to see my family and parents and to get away from the daunting reminder of what had just happened with my custody of my kids. Prior to going to Michigan, I told my current husband, I don't know why you'd want to be with me, I don't think I can do this marriage thing, I've lost everything that mattered to me and definitely sounded like I wanted to marriage to end. I went to see family, didn't talk much while I was away, called when I could but just needed a break from everything. I returned and when I came home, I was determined to make my marriage work and put my life back together. Well didn't go by plan. I looked in my husband's phone one early morning to see what he had been checking out while I was away and discovered he had reached out to 5 different women who he calls a friend and said to all of them "Hey Gorgeous want to talk" and was watching a lot of pornography. I was so hurt by this, probably because of the loss of the kids and probably because I just couldn't fathom him wanting to look or speak to other women. I confronted aggressively and told my parents of what happened, Strike 1. Thanksgiving comes, I get my kids for the holiday break and my husband had a full-blown freak out on Thanksgiving Day and moved his belongings out of the house due to finding a text in my phone that was my male hairdresser. During this tantrum, my kids witnessed it and I was just beside myself because I never want them to see negativity especially right now with the way things are at this time. The next day, I told my parents of what had happened again, Strike 2. I allow him to come back but not bring his items back, I wanted to see if we could work it out. Decembers comes, my husband decides that quitting his job is a good plan because he hated the on the road driving and couldn't do it anymore, according to him. My parents come December 18th to spend the holidays with me, my husband was here and welcoming and happy to see them. My parents questioned about why things were behind financially, and I tried to not point any fingers, but my parents are of the mindset that the man carries the bulk of the household finances, Strike 3. My mom is constantly in my ear with her thoughts of what is wrong with him and what she hates about him, and she wouldn't do it. I put together a list and presented it to my husband because I didn't want him to think that not working was an option and what I expected going forward, He didn't like it and probably because he knew my mom was in my ear with a lot of it. He left for Christmas, and I figured it was a good idea due to the tension. I should mention that my parents provide major financial assistance with my legal stuff and want the resolution of the custody stuff, so the financial help has continued for months and months. My husband, Ronnie, continuously tells me stop telling your parents about our issues. I know he is right, but when they see things aren't being taken care of, they pry and want to know why. 
While he was away for a few days, he started a new job and honestly, I was thinking we were on the outs, I was on social media and started looking up people both current and from my past, one of which was an ex-boyfriend. My parents left on 12/30/21 and he called me immediately and said Please we have to make this work, I love you, please. Ok so I tell my husband get over here and yeah let's make it work, No one is perfect and who am I to not forgive. I went to bed last night, he went through my phone, found where I looked up an ex-boyfriend and came to me asleep and flipped out and called me a cheater and a ***** and this was done in front of my kids that are here again for the holiday. It should probably be mentioned that I am working towards getting my kids back and them seeing things that aren't favorable isn't good for me. My husband grabbed all of his belongings and threw his ring at me, hit me with a pillow and screamed the entire way out the door and also took my cell phone and told me it was going in the trash can and i would never see it again. Called my parents, but they had no idea he was back in the picture at all, they wanted him gone but because I have to have a phone for work, I told them and of course my dad said I am putting money in your account and go to phone store and buy another phone, but if you ever bring that piece of **** back in your life, I am done with you. I love my parents so much, but I live in NC and have no family here and feel so alone at times especially now because my kids are living with their father most of the time.

Where do I go from here? Am I just to broken to be in this marriage, Should I just let the whole thing go or should I listen to my parents? 

I am so sorry this is long and boring, but I just don't know what to do, I have no friends at this point and definetely don't want to talk to my parents. 

Guidance, Thoughts Please?

I just don't know where to go from here


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Here’s a few things that occur to me.
You need to stop telling your parents about your relationship troubles and I don’t just mean this relationship. You may decide to forgive and forget and move on but they will remember. 
Stop reacting to every situation. If something happens then process what happened and think about what is best for you going forward. You looking up an ex boyfriend was stupid. How did you expect your husband to react.
Dump this guy. If your serious about getting your children back then he can’t be around them. At all.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Just end the marriage… it’s too much drama! Focus on working full time and doing everything in your power to get custody of your kids at a 50% level.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

REDACTED.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I am sensing, from your own words, because you’re very vocal: that you didn’t want the marriage, have pushed him away a few times and openly told him that you’re not sure if the marriage thing is for you. Many times your post reads like someone who doesn’t want to be married EXCEPT when he is reaching out to women, because you’re always either leaving to be with your parents or kicking him out. For example, you up and abandoned him, and didn’t talk to him while you were gone. But then felt hurt he was moving on.

So when you tell him all of this, act a certain way, he reaches out to other women (because the message he is getting from you is that you don’t want to be married). Then you tell your parents! But then you reach out to other men as well!

1. Do you see the very high standard you set for him? But not for yourself?
2. Do you see how severe the consequences are for him? Telling parents, leaving him, expressing desire to end the marriage, telling him to leave, reaching out to other men.

There are no consequences for you, and as it’s clear to me and him too, that you don’t want him, you cannot tell your parents, punish him, cause drama or have any right to stop him doing anything really.

Your situation with your ex and kids doesn’t give you any right to keep someone ransom. At all. We all have a past, we all have pain. But we don’t get a free pass to play with people’s lives, ‘because something terrible happened to me.’

Also. You’re too attached to your parents. Did this cause issues in your previous marriage? Because it feels like you never left home and grew up. I’m not judging you here, some parents are overbearing and can’t handle that their kids get married and become wives/husbands and parents. It may be the other way around though. So work that one out, is it you that couldn’t grow up or is it you that wouldn’t grow up?

You cannot keep changing your mind in marriage, I want this ok I’ve decided I’m going to try, I really don’t want this and so on. And I get a feeling you don’t really want him, but as soon as he is reaching out to other women, you suddenly won’t let him get away. You can’t have it both ways.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Why was your ex given custody? It's quite unusual for the father to be given custody without good reason.

I agree with others. You need to stop being so reliant in your parents and telling them everything.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

why are you looking at ex boyfriends on your phone? you toss that out there as if it were not a big thing.

From the guy's point of view, that is a clear sign you have left the marriage and there is no use in trying to come back! it IS a big thing.

It is kind of odd behavior. If you can figure out the reason you "had to" look for those old BFs online, maybe you can unravel what you really need to do to be a good wife to this 2nd husband?


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## nicolelynne0516 (Jan 2, 2022)

Thank You all for the honesty, I need it. Most people in my life just don't tell me the truth, they tell me what I wanna hear. As hard as it is to see the responses, thats why I posted my story on here to get un bias feedback.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

You won't get unbiased feedback if you don't tell the entire story.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

nicolelynne0516 said:


> Thank You all for the honesty, I need it. Most people in my life just don't tell me the truth, they tell me what I wanna hear. As hard as it is to see the responses, thats why I posted my story on here to get un bias feedback.


This is good. You too know the truth, and your lack of defensiveness is a good thing. Best of luck moving forward.

If I can point out something, your parents’ financial hold could be detrimental to you and probably has been. Just because they pay for everything, it doesn’t mean your life is under their control. You can free yourself of this and make your own way. They do sound very domineering and maybe it has held you back. I’m not sure why and how this dynamic is what it is, but moving forward, the most important thing you can do is work on your relationship with your kids. And your current marriage too, things can be very different for you.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> Why was your ex given custody? It's quite unusual for the father to be given custody without good reason.
> 
> I agree with others. You need to stop being so reliant in your parents and telling them everything.





Trident said:


> You won't get unbiased feedback if you don't tell the entire story.


Both of these are 100% correct. Mothers don't lose custody of their children without very good reason, it just doesn't happen. What aren't you telling us OP?

You are way too enmeshed with your parents. When they "pry and want to know why", you should be responding with "that's private" or "not your business". That's what adults do.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Hey, thanks for sharing this. I do have a question and a couple of comments, maybe it will be helpful to you in your future choices, or maybe it won't but...here it goes. 
1. Why did you abruptly marry this second individual? Were you dating long before the 2nd marriage? Why marry so quickly?

2. I think it wasn't nice that out of your frustration you said you didn't want to work on the marriage. But it also wasn't right for your husband to go messaging different women like that. I think it's safe to say your husband shouldn't have female friends. Also, did your husband freak out about you looking up your ex because you freaked out about him talking to 5 women? I couldn't really gather that info from your post, but he might be getting angry with you because...he is guilty of it himself. 

3. You need to set up boundaries with your parents: You need to let your mom know that she is giving unwarranted and unsolicited advice and opinions. 

4. You need to maintain your boundaries with your husband in regard to not making a scene in front of your children. If he cannot do it, then you need to find the will to walk away from this.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

frusdil said:


> Both of these are 100% correct. Mothers don't lose custody of their children without very good reason, it just doesn't happen. What aren't you telling us OP?


I was wondering the same thing...


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

nicolelynne0516 said:


> Thank You all for the honesty, I need it. Most people in my life just don't tell me the truth, they tell me what I wanna hear. As hard as it is to see the responses, thats why I posted my story on here to get un bias feedback.


Why don’t you answer the questions everyone here is asking?


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Not to be mean but it sounds like you don't make good decisions. I would self-reflect and figure out what got you to this place. Like everyone else mentioned, mothers don't just lose custody of children for no reason. I'm guessing some really bad things happened on your part.

Why did you divorce your first husband?


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