# Help please!! My boss at work?



## nickles (Sep 9, 2010)

Hello! I am new to this forum. I am married and have 2 children. I wanted to see if anyone could give me any advice on this matter.
I used to work with this guy who is my boss(who is also married with children). It was only me and him in our area. I worked strictly for him but it a building with other people. I had started working for him and then he started taking/asking me to lunch once a week. After about 3 times of going he asked me again and I finally said..it would be nice of you to ask your wife to lunch...he then said well that would be too much work...
I went ahead and went to lunch with him several more times...
I then started to develop feelings for him. I told my husband about it and he wanted to work through it and he was glad I was honest with him. Then I told my boss that I had gradually gotten feelings for him because he took me to lunch all the time. I asked him if he had feelings for me and he didnt say NO, but just shook his head no...then I asked him if he was sure and he said yes, I have nothing to lose...
Even after we both agreed not to do lunch anymore and because his wife also got mad that he took me to lunch he then a couple months later had me take him to drop off his car at the shop and then asked me to lunch again..so i went..
He told me his wife was mad because we would go on afternoons that we both had off...she told him he was going to hang out with me then he told me that he had nothing to say back to her..(what does this mean?)
he would even buy me a couple of drinks for lunch..
I eventually quit working for him...
he sent me some really hurtful text messages and then told me to never communicate with him again...so i didnt
i ran into him a month later after he said some really hurtful things to me and he had the nerve to say hi and hows it going...(after telling me to not communicate with him)
i ignored him and kept walking...
my thing is did he have feelings for me? i still think about him all the time and i dont want to..i want to quit thinking about him...why am i still thinking about him when it has been over 2 months and after he was very hurtfull? does he think about me? if so how does he restrain to not text me?... 
Also did he have feelings for me you think but just didnt want to admit it?
He also winked at me all the time, smiled, and plus two co-workers came up to me and both said that they saw the "way" he stared at me...
how can he just move on and that's it?


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## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

You're married, right? Maybe you should have some of these same concerns for your own husband, rather than putting so much time and effort into wondering why your sniveling, scumbag boss who obviously wanted to get into your pants, and who you led to believe would one day be in your pants, isn't texting you anymore.


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## nickles (Sep 9, 2010)

Yes I am married, and I am trying to get over the feelings i had for my boss..but we worked with eachother 8 hours a day-5 days a week..so i spent more time with him than my husband... I too believe that I should be focusing on my husband, and I know it doesnt sound like it but I cannot help the feelings that I had and I didnt ask to have these feelings. I wish and pray everyday not to think about my boss anymore, and I do have good days but bad days (when I mean bad, I mean just the fact that I wonder about him) so I really want to move on and I am trying to. I guess it will take time...
One of my questions is, how do guys just shut off what they feel for women and then move on?....(that is indeed if he did have feelings for me...) it sounds like he did though but wouldnt admit it. If other people in the office are noticing how he "stares" at me and they think that he liked me..then to me it was noticable to other people then maybe he did + he said that i was "hot" and that no wonder his wife was mad that we texted eachother...but how does he just shut this off and forget about me?...I am asking how to move on...


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## yogachick (Aug 9, 2010)

I think he shut it off because his feelings for you didn't run that deep, certainly not as deep as they do with his wife. He got a little sidetracked but at the end of the day you were just a blip on the radar screen and now you're gone, as it should be.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

My guess is that he's working hard to forget you. Probably doesn't talk about you at all and doesn't write about you. I can also guess that he's either found a new love interest, looking for one, or is concentrating on his wife.

How can he have moved on? No one here can answer that, we don't know anything about him.

How come you can't move on? Because you won't let yourself.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Good answers! You should be focusing on what's wrong in your marriage and how you are going to fix things. There's no point in wasting your energy on the relationship which never happened.


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## nickles (Sep 9, 2010)

Thanks for the replies! I agree with you all..I think I just needed to hear it to believe it and I am glad that I could talk to others who dont know him to get an outsider point of view...
This has helped me, and I have also learned a valuable lesson..
Now I definately will do my best to move on like I have been trying>>It may sound like I dont love my husband but I do...I was vulnerable when this time happened because I was going through a bout of depression..right before I even met my bosss...so the situation caught me at a bad time. But it will make me more aware and I just should have never let this happen...and at the beginning I was the one shutting this guy down for lunches...so thanks again and SIGH>>>time to get on with my crazy beautiful life...like it waS BEFORE this happend


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## nickles (Sep 9, 2010)

827Aug said:


> Good answers! You should be focusing on what's wrong in your marriage and how you are going to fix things. There's no point in wasting your energy on the relationship which never happened.


When you said a relationship that never happened...
Well it wasn't indeed anything more than a close friendship but that itself is a relationship "as friends"
Plus it was just excessive for him to ask me out every single week..and I would ride in his car. It was just us two so it was kinda like akward or a date is what it reminded me of..especially since we would both order drinks (alcoholic)

When I confronted him about it (when i asked him if he had feelings for me) he said he was taking me to lunch to be "nice"
I told him I said "i am sorry but taking me to lunch once a week just us two isn't just trying to be " nice". Am I right for thinking this? I mean if your husband was taking his female co-worker to lunch once a week and he drove and bought her drinks what would you suspect. The reason I ask this after I say I know i need to move on is because when one person said "that a relationsip that never happened"..I feel like it was some sort of relationship bc of the frequency of our lunches and how close we worked together in the office ALL DAY(which was normal) but then going extra by going to lunch.
When I said "thank you" after we would leave lunch he was say "MY PLEASURE" rather than you are welcome. I know, that sounds kind of blowing that out of proportion but it was like saying that he was overly excited to have taken me. And then he would say "I had fun" but really..shouldnt you be having fun with your own wife? he should be asking his wife to lunch..but he said that was too much work by asking her
Am I taking his "friendliness" out of proportion? The reason I ask and I know i should be moving on is it makes me feel crazy to even have thought about his gestures as more than him just being nice...i mean with some responses saying that there was never a relationship to begin with(which I agree not a physical realtionship-but more like an emotional)

I am glad that you have taken time to help me with and I do appreciate your comments..but I feel like there were things that just made me think that I was the one totally wrong with this.. what do you think?


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

He was looking just for a sexual relationship with you, but since you took it really seriously, and discussed it with your H, he got scared, and denied that he had some feelings for you, because he didn't want to destroy his marriage.

Of course he wanted something from you, and you knew it ,since you discussed it with your H. I don't understand why you discussed it with your H, when the only thing you had to do was to keep a distance from your boss.
Are you missing him and looking for more trouble? You have a good understanding H, and don't play with the fire.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

nickles said:


> Well it wasn't indeed anything more than a close friendship but that itself is a relationship "as friends"


I don't even see this as a close friendship. He was your boss; therefore, the lunches (as describe here) were inappropriate. Close friends do more than just have lunch together and text. I see you had an emotional connection to him, but he didn't seem to have the same mindset. Mal74 did a good job of summing up your boss's motives. I agree, he was probably looking for some "no strings attached" sex with you. As time went on he saw that wasn't going to happen with you. And he wasn't willing to risk the complications that would cause.

His wife found out about his inappropriate behavior and put an end to it. So, he texted you some hurtful messages and told you never to communicate with him again? Here on TAM we call this the "No Contact Letter". That's what he had to do to save his marriage.



nickles said:


> I am glad that you have taken time to help me with and I do appreciate your comments..but I feel like there were things that just made me think that I was the one totally wrong with this.. what do you think?


And no, I don't think you are totally wrong with this. Your boss's behavior was wrong. He was encouraging an emotional affair (& possible more). However, where I fault you is for being emotionally connected to this guy and reluctant to let it all go. You have a family which deserves your attention--not this guy.


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## yogachick (Aug 9, 2010)

I think he was just enjoying your company a little too much and between you asking him if he had feelings for you and his wife getting mad, he realized he had slipped out of bounds a little bit and so he put an end to the friendship as he should have. I don't see anything pointing towards him wanting just sex from you from what you have written. I think you were more like a breath of fresh air to him and things started to look bad and then feel wrong to him. 

Just get him out of your head before you risk losing your own marriage. Focus on your husband, every time you think of him redirect your thoughts to your own husband.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

yogachick, you make a valid point too. None of us are ever going to know what was going on in the boss's head. Those thoughts could range from what you posted to Mal74's suggestion--and numerous things in between. The point I think many of us are trying to make is that the boss saw no relationship and really didn't want to get entangled in one. It is nickles who needs to put all of this episode out of her head and focus on her husband and children.


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## yogachick (Aug 9, 2010)

yep


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## Big Bear (Feb 11, 2010)

I spend 8-10 hours a day with lots of people, doesn't mean anything other than the fact that I have a job. Take some accountability for christ's sake, stop wondering what stuff means with someone who doesn't think of you at all and take stock in the people that have, so far, tolerated you like your husband.


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