# How to re connect with your spouse



## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

We have been married 26 years . Quite recently ( on a different post ) he’s emotionally cheated on me through DMs and likes with women on social media . He’s says he’s stopped and I want to truthfully trust this is true . I am trying to re connect what is missing in our relationship to try and salvage it .
I think we lack a lot of emotional connection after all these years and want to know how some of you are managing to keep your marriages / relationships thriving after so many years . 
how do you really kindle that love that isn’t the same anymore? 
I think that his straying to social media was a call to attention because he felt I didn’t give him enough attention. At the same time , I felt the same way …
How do you keep it going amidst changes in life and everything in between . 
and now after what happened , I still want to a common way to re connect but I also am very shattered by what he’s done recently that o can’t get past letting it go ….


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Get a routine where you do something together every day. Every day with my wife we:

Go on a walk of at least a mile
Eat lunch together
Eat dinner together
Watch and hour and a half of TV together
Sleep in the same bed (at some point)

Multiple times a week we:

Go out for a meal
Go out to get coffee

Once a week (usually) we:

Do an adventure, go to a new place or someplace we rarely go to
Try a new activity
Take a shower together


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> Get a routine where you do something together every day. Every day with my wife we:
> 
> Go on a walk of at least a mile
> Eat lunch together
> ...


Yes we are trying to do this .. but now he’s saying he feels “ pressured” to always do things because I am trying to re connect our relationship. 
it makes me kind of sad that he feels that way instead of being on board about new adventures together . He’s seeing it like a chore I’m asking him to do .
So far we’re doing dinner out one day a week and I guess even that he’s feeling somewhat pressured . 
I don’t know how to make this not seem like a chore . Maybe it’s more fixing than I realized .


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

There are some helpful marriage courses around.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Savannah01 said:


> He’s seeing it like a chore I’m asking him to do .


In a way it kind of is. Some days I view going on a mile walk as a chore. However it’s important for me to do it with her, it means a lot. It kind of comes down to how important is it to have a good marriage? To me it’s worth a bit of work.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> In a way it kind of is. Some days I view going on a mile walk as a chore. However it’s important for me to do it with her, it means a lot. It kind of comes down to how important is it to have a good marriage? To me it’s worth a bit of work.


Yes that’s how I see it too … it will definitely take some time to work on , but I was I guess hoping he saw it to be just as important as I do . 
min trying to do different things we don’t normally don, to change up our past routines ( which clearly did not work )
I’m trying to have more spontaneity into our day , but it seems he’s just wanting to do the same old bit — yet he complains that being disconnected was one of the reasons he strayed into social media with another woman . 
I’m here trying to change that and he isn’t seeing it as such . But like I’m “ making” him …
It makes me sad he can’t get in the same mindspace on this … all I want to initiate a better relationship…


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Savannah01 said:


> I am trying to re connect what is missing in our relationship to try and salvage it





Savannah01 said:


> ... he’s saying he feels “ pressured” to always do things because I am trying to re connect our relationship.


In other words, you're doing all the heavy lifting in the relationship. He's not on board with the program.



Savannah01 said:


> I don’t know how to make this not seem like a chore . Maybe it’s more fixing than I realized


Suggestion: Step back and do nothing. See if he takes the reins and makes some sort of effort on his own.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

His actions are telling you he’s not interested in connecting. Think about that for awhile.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Savannah01 said:


> Yes we are trying to do this .. *but now he’s saying he feels “ pressured” to always do things because I am trying to re connect our relationship.*
> it makes me kind of sad that he feels that way instead of being on board about new adventures together . He’s seeing it like a chore I’m asking him to do .
> So far we’re doing dinner out one day a week and I guess even that he’s feeling somewhat pressured .
> I don’t know how to make this not seem like a chore . Maybe it’s more fixing than I realized .


Maybe the dynamic in your relationship is different than what I want in mine, but what I bolded above would be a MAJOR red flag to me that he is NOT interested in reconnecting at all, and that he's starting to resent making any of the changes you need to be able to have a functional relationship with him.

If I'm wrong, and you are comfortable with his reaction like that (if you know it's "just him"), you can ignore what I am saying...but if you actually feel like he is resistant and he isn't doing what is necessary to meet your needs as you try to salvage your connection, you need to be VERY concerned with that attitude. It could also be the fundamental reason you are in this position with him to begin with...


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Savannah01 said:


> Yes that’s how I see it too … it will definitely take some time to work on , but I was I guess hoping he saw it to be just as important as I do .
> min trying to do different things we don’t normally don, to change up our past routines ( which clearly did not work )
> I’m trying to have more spontaneity into our day , but it seems he’s just wanting to do the same old bit — yet he complains that being disconnected was one of the reasons he strayed into social media with another woman .
> I’m here trying to change that and he isn’t seeing it as such . But like I’m “ making” him …
> *It makes me sad he can’t get in the same mindspace on this … all I want to initiate a better relationship…*


Ok...the implications of this ARE concerning...

Is it possible that he doesn't actually want a better relationship with you, he only wants you to get over this so he can go back to doing what he was doing before...??


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> In other words, you're doing all the heavy lifting in the relationship. He's not on board with the program.
> 
> 
> 
> Suggestion: Step back and do nothing. See if he takes the reins and makes some sort of effort on his own.


Maybe that might be best … since I do feel like I’m the only one trying to salvage a mistake he’s done on his own …


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> Ok...the implications of this ARE concerning...
> 
> Is it possible that he doesn't actually want a better relationship with you, he only wants you to get over this so he can go back to doing what he was doing before...??


Yes he’s very dismissive about what happened before with all this , and keeps telling me to “ GET OVER IT “ as If I’m suppose to lessen how his actions made me feel. I’ve lost all trust in him and I’m trying the hardest to regain it back … yet somehow I’m the only one making the major effort .. while his solution is to ignore what he did cause he can’t face up and own his mistake . This may not be physical cheating but emotional cheating is just as severe because it also plays with my self esteem and I’ve never questioned that in my entire life until now .


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> Maybe the dynamic in your relationship is different than what I want in mine, but what I bolded above would be a MAJOR red flag to me that he is NOT interested in reconnecting at all, and that he's starting to resent making any of the changes you need to be able to have a functional relationship with him.
> 
> If I'm wrong, and you are comfortable with his reaction like that (if you know it's "just him"), you can ignore what I am saying...but if you actually feel like he is resistant and he isn't doing what is necessary to meet your needs as you try to salvage your connection, you need to be VERY concerned with that attitude. It could also be the fundamental reason you are in this position with him to begin with...


No I see that now , he’s making every excuse and asking if we “have to” go out all the time … to me honestly it isn’t about going out but the time spent with him … 
I thought the past 3 weeks we’ve been doing so has been great , he’s been receptive and things are going well — then today he asks if we need to always go out because he is feeling pressured and that we don’t need to go out all the time — I mean I get it, but it sure could have been said in a less hurtful way . 
he says he wants to fix things but seems he wants to “ fix “ by plain forgetting what the issue was since it was his doing —maybe he doesn’t want to fix it deep down … maybe I’m just hopeful for no reason and I’m just not opening my eyes enough …to me I’m trying , but I guess it takes two not just me


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Savannah01 said:


> Yes he’s very dismissive about what happened before with all this , and keeps telling me to “ GET OVER IT “ as If I’m suppose to lessen how his actions made me feel. I’ve lost all trust in him and I’m trying the hardest to regain it back … yet somehow I’m the only one making the major effort .. while his solution is to ignore what he did cause he can’t face up and own his mistake . This may not be physical cheating but emotional cheating is just as severe because it also plays with my self esteem and I’ve never questioned that in my entire life until now .


YES!!! Emotional cheating is just as severe (and in many cases, it's worse)!!

I am sorry to say this, but he sounds so much like my STBX, and how he expected me to trust him after finding out he was a deceitful LIAR (he wasn't cheating), and unrepentantly SELFISH. He went from being angry that I couldn't just trust him and "let it go", to getting angry that I would question him at all, and finally, to being angry at me because I wouldn't just allow him do whatever he wanted to do. 

It was VERY difficult to deal with, especially because I could FEEL that something was wrong and that he wasn't emotionally SAFE for me...but he used my love and trust in him to trick me into seeing HIM as the victim and questioning myself and my gut instincts about him.

Please be careful, and trust yourself and your feelings, no matter what he tells you.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Savannah01 said:


> I think we lack a lot of emotional connection after all these years and want to know how some of you are managing to keep your marriages / relationships thriving after so many years .
> how do you really kindle that love that isn’t the same anymore?


I think the key here is love. Do you truly love each other? This cannot be forced, it is either there or not.

We have been married for almost 25 years. We spend a lot of moments together: we cook together, we shop together, we hike together, we walk together, we even clean the house together. We never get tied of or bothered by each other. We never have to force either of us to do this. We do this because we want to be with each other.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> YES!!! Emotional cheating is just as severe (and in many cases, it's worse)!!
> 
> I am sorry to say this, but he sounds so much like my STBX, and how he expected me to trust him after finding out he was a deceitful LIAR (he wasn't cheating), and unrepentantly SELFISH. He went from being angry that I couldn't just trust him and "let it go", to getting angry that I would question him at all, and finally, to being angry at me because I wouldn't just allow him do whatever he wanted to do.
> 
> ...


Omg yes!! Exactly he shifted the blame on me on it as if I drove him to do that — and every time I want to confront him he always wants to just forget it or gets angry that I am bringing up —- I found all this out due to pure gut instinct .. so yea I am fearful and now extremely distrustful — I’m trying to make things work because I still somehow feel thee is hope . In light of all this I’m beginning to doubt if he even really wants it to work as badly as I do …


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I think the key here is love. Do you truly love each other? This cannot be forced, it is either there or not.
> 
> We have been married for almost 25 years. We spend a lot of moments together: we cook together, we shop together, we hike together, we walk together, we even clean the house together. We never get tied of or bothered by each other. We never have to force either of us to do this. We do this because we want to be with each other.


That’s great ! We’ve been married 26 years and I do still love him -not sure he does me , but after all this time , our time together have slowly lessened to where he got comfortable doing things where I’m not included and vice versa . I’m sad that I took part in letting that happen , letting us become more disconnected after so many years , now this is what I guess happens . That’s why I am trying to make it work , but am I too late ?? He says he wants to work it out too , he just isn’t trying very hard to show it , I don’t know how to deal with it anymore I’m starting to feel like I’m doing all the work .. and still he’s complaining about having to spend that time once a week to go out and do something together … maybe I should just step back


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Savannah01 said:


> That’s great ! We’ve been married 26 years and I do still love him -not sure he does me , but after all this time , our time together have slowly lessened to where he got comfortable doing things where I’m not included and vice versa . I’m sad that I took part in letting that happen , letting us become more disconnected after so many years , now this is what I guess happens . That’s why I am trying to make it work , but am I too late ?? He says he wants to work it out too , he just isn’t trying very hard to show it , I don’t know how to deal with it anymore I’m starting to feel like I’m doing all the work .. and still he’s complaining about having to spend that time once a week to go out and do something together … maybe I should just step back


Then may we join him in what he likes even if it does not interest you very much. He will appreciate it and may reciprocate. 

My with and i like different TV channels. but she may watch hockey with me (she has no clue about hockey) to just cuddle with me on a love seat. and I can watch her favorite shows just to spend time with her. Before she resumed her career we used to drop our kids to half day kindergarten and she used to drive me to work just to spend an extra hour together in a car.

Ans yes, try doing obvious things together: eat breakfast or lunch, go grocery shopping. Take a walk together.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Savannah01 said:


> Yes we are trying to do this .. but now he’s saying he feels “ pressured” to always do things because I am trying to re connect our relationship.
> it makes me kind of sad that he feels that way instead of being on board about new adventures together . He’s seeing it like a chore I’m asking him to do .
> So far we’re doing dinner out one day a week and I guess even that he’s feeling somewhat pressured .
> I don’t know how to make this not seem like a chore . Maybe it’s more fixing than I realized .


So he's got a horrible attitude. He feels you're asking him to do things he doesn't want to do. I mean, if he doesn't want to spend time together, what can you do? Nothing, really. He will complain if you do and complain if you don't, about something. 

Does he LIKE to do anything? Does he think anything is fun besides seeking ego validation from other women on the internet? Does he like to fish or camp or go boating? Go do something he enjoys. But if all he enjoys is rejecting you and resenting you, why put in the effort? I mean, it's his attitude.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Years ago, I told a poster on here that his marriage reminded me of someone dragging a dead whale across the beach. 

What you have is a dead whale.

Own what is yours to own and take responsibility for your own mistakes. But please quit trying to make your husband deal with something he clearly has no intention of dealing with. His disrespect for you is evident. He does not care how you feel or why you feel it. 

Let that sink in.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> So he's got a horrible attitude. He feels you're asking him to do things he doesn't want to do. I mean, if he doesn't want to spend time together, what can you do? Nothing, really. He will complain if you do and complain if you don't, about something.
> 
> Does he LIKE to do anything? Does he think anything is fun besides seeking ego validation from other women on the internet? Does he like to fish or camp or go boating? Go do something he enjoys. But if all he enjoys is rejecting you and resenting you, why put in the effort? I mean, it's his attitude.


I mentioned doing what he liked like camping because he does go with his friend and relatives and he tells me he doesn’t want to bring me cause he is a different person without me there —. That in itself is upsetting he said that to me once before, and after I stopped prying. 
we used to really enjoy each other’s company , I don’t know what happened through the years , we’ve managed to love different lives that somehow it’s hard to find anything in common. I am saying this as I am shocked realizing this at this moment .
How did we let all this time pass being so disconnected with each other


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Savannah01 said:


> I mentioned doing what he liked like camping because he does go with his friend and relatives and he tells me he doesn’t want to bring me cause he is a different person without me there —. That in itself is upsetting he said that to me once before, and after I stopped prying.
> we used to really enjoy each other’s company , I don’t know what happened through the years , we’ve managed to love different lives that somehow it’s hard to find anything in common. I am saying this as I am shocked realizing this at this moment .
> How did we let all this time pass being so disconnected with each other


I don't know why he's staying married to you if he really doesn't want to do anything at all with you and doesn't mind letting you know that. He sounds like he really doesn't like to be around you at all, I'm sad to say. So if you had to guess, why would you say he's still there? I mean, are you taking care of him like his mother or is it kids or why would he stay despite openly disliking having you around? I can't help but think you'd be better off alone.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He’s telling you that he enjoys himself more when he’s not around you (no camping for you apparently) and he considers dates being pressured and you’re wondering what more _*you*_ should be doing to fix a problem created by *him*? He may want to remain married but he’s no longer interested in you.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Savannah01 said:


> I mentioned doing what he liked like camping because he does go with his friend and relatives and he tells me he doesn’t want to bring me cause he is a different person without me there —. That in itself is upsetting he said that to me once before, and after I stopped prying.
> we used to really enjoy each other’s company , I don’t know what happened through the years , we’ve managed to love different lives that somehow it’s hard to find anything in common. I am saying this as I am shocked realizing this at this moment .
> How did we let all this time pass being so disconnected with each other


I'm SO sorry you are going through this...

I don't know if you can say it has anything to do with you...it sounds like he disconnected because HE wanted to. Maybe he stopped valuing you because he is very selfish, which is what it sounds like.

I can't remember what I read in your other threads...have you guys been to counseling?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Yeah, I agree with @Openminded on this one. Sounds to me like your husband has checked out of the marriage. Sadly, it sounds like he doesn't like you or being around you. From what you've posted thus far, it's certainly clear he doesn't respect you.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> I'm SO sorry you are going through this...
> 
> I don't know if you can say it has anything to do with you...it sounds like he disconnected because HE wanted to. Maybe he stopped valuing you because he is very selfish, which is what it sounds like.
> 
> I can't remember what I read in your other threads...have you guys been to counseling?


We have not , we’ve tried counseling before .. I’m not sure what’s going on with him , it seems like some sort of midlife thing — he seems scared of getting old now and is really having this idea to live like hes 20 years younger ! Sadly he is t emotionally here where we are , and this I’m having to deal with alone … I don’t know anymore how to turn things around or whether it can


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> Yeah, I agree with @Openminded on this one. Sounds to me like your husband has checked out of the marriage. Sadly, it sounds like he doesn't like you or being around you. From what you've posted thus far, it's certainly clear he doesn't respect you.


Unfortunately it seems like he’s holding resentment because I’m the more level headed one and he’s the fun one .he’s wanting to live life and I get that but life also included me being ill for the most of last year and I did all that alone without him . 
while he went about his business online that I never knew .
Some days he shows improvement and actually
Looks like he’s trying …


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I don't know why he's staying married to you if he really doesn't want to do anything at all with you and doesn't mind letting you know that. He sounds like he really doesn't like to be around you at all, I'm sad to say. So if you had to guess, why would you say he's still there? I mean, are you taking care of him like his mother or is it kids or why would he stay despite openly disliking having you around? I can't help but think you'd be better off alone.


I think the 26 year marriage is holding us both back . We go back and forth on this … I do care about him a lot and we have two adult kids now . 
I see he wants something else in life — probably because we married so young , he feels now he wants something else in his life for the second part of it — call it midlife crisis , I don’t know what it is , but instead of living the res tod the life together he is so involved with fearing aging right now and is desperate to not let his age define what he does lately … it’s sad to see it and harder to accept but I know what you all mean .. I guess I’m just hopeful he would turn things around … maybe it’s a lost cause indeed


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Savannah01 said:


> being ill for the most of last year and I did all that alone without him .
> while he went about his business online that I never knew.


Like I said, your husband doesn't respect you. Showing "some days" that he's trying is nothing more than you accepting the crumbs he tosses your way.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Savannah01 said:


> I don’t know anymore how to turn things around or whether it can


You can’t if you are the only one who wants to and is making the effort. It takes two, period. Sounds like you are wasting your time to me, because he clearly doesn’t want to do any of the work. Is that the kind of partner and marriage you want for the next thirty years?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Savannah01 said:


> I think the 26 year marriage is holding us both back . We go back and forth on this … I do care about him a lot and we have two adult kids now .
> I see he wants something else in life — probably because we married so young , he feels now he wants something else in his life for the second part of it — call it midlife crisis , I don’t know what it is , but instead of living the res tod the life together he is so involved with fearing aging right now and is desperate to not let his age define what he does lately … it’s sad to see it and harder to accept but I know what you all mean .. I guess I’m just hopeful he would turn things around … maybe it’s a lost cause indeed


He won't turn anything around as long as you allow him to treat you like this and honestly at this point it's so fragile that no matter what you do it's just going to blow up I guess. But myself I'd rather go down with some dignity and not accept this treatment.


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## Goobertron (Aug 14, 2012)

I agree with that idea that he might not like going out that much and might prefer to go fishing or just do something around the house. When my own marriage began to reach the end of its lifecycle my partner became deceptive and wanted time on her own. She had a number of options going on the internet.

One time I guessed her password and logged on as her and was shocked at the thirsty guys. By then she had already asked me to move out. It was empowering for her, shattering for me but many years later my divorce led to renewal and I'm glad it happened.

Make sure you prepare for divorce and the property/financial settlement while hoping for the best. Give your husband an ultimatum about the online dating. He might be more keen about reconnecting when he's not swiping on profiles on the internet which I suspect he is still doing in secret.

Also consider going on a diet and exercise plan for yourself - you need to work on your self-esteem and your health. Get ready to be single in order to save the marriage - relationships are ironic. For me when my marriage was dissolving my wife always seemed so happy and she was dieting and losing weight, exercising for the other guy. Believe it or not when he sees you as someone who has options it will drive his attraction for you back and he'll get thirsty.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Let me share something. I've been married less than you, 14 years and my husband is 22 years older than me. I've done EVERYTHING in my marriage, raised children from other marriages, have one of our own now. I've helped him get to the level of management he's in now, kept him out of bankruptcy when we first got together, dealt with his alcoholism throughout the last 12 years or more of our marriage. He doesn't clean our home, can barely get a plate to the sink, never has to do laundry and has everything provided on a silver plater. Sex anytime he wants it, a life most mean BEG for. 

Still, I'm not enough. Last fall, two days before our anniversary, there he was with his best friend visit and our son and myself, swimming and hanging out, while he sat in a lounge chair asking for pictures from an old high school classmate. I'm 34 years old. I don't have a perfect body, but I'm attractive and with all I provide to our home and relationship, you'd think that would be enough. Well, it's not. But what I've come to realize, it isn't me. It's his insecurity, his insistent need for attention constantly. 

Pick the hill you're willing to die on sister.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

We connect by having date night once per week. At the height of the Covid lockdowns we had a nice meal together for dinner by candle light on the good china. Whether permitting we would sit outside by the fire pit & talk or just chill. We got a dog & take her for walks & to training class. 

When there are serious issues to discuss -- we recently refinanced the house -- we made time & sat down for a real discussion where the other one & the subject had our full attention. 

We check in once in a while to make sure the other is still having fun. We laugh together all the time. We have made some of the mot dreadful things amusing -- be snowed in in an airport for 5 hours, we just laughed instead of stressed; we took the car in for service this morning extra early (ugh) so we could go out for breakfast afterwards before work. Surprise kisses are a thing --- we try to sneak up on each other & kiss the other one randomly. 

We give each other space to do things when then other doesn't want to do them. He hates the beach & I don't like video games so we are apart for that. 

We have tried doing stuff. I bought him golf clubs; he's never used them. We played tennis maybe 3 times. We keep talking about buying mountain bikes but so far that hasn't happened. 

We drive from the northeast to our home in Florida at least 3x per year so that gets us all sorts of uninterrupted togetherness.  That one I don't recommend but we have fun exploring new places on our way down. 

Can you join your husband doing something he enjoys so he sees your effort? Maybe he won't complain as much about whatever it is that you planned as the togetherness part.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

D0nnivain said:


> We connect by having date night once per week. At the height of the Covid lockdowns we had a nice meal together for dinner by candle light on the good china. Whether permitting we would sit outside by the fire pit & talk or just chill. We got a dog & take her for walks & to training class.
> 
> When there are serious issues to discuss -- we recently refinanced the house -- we made time & sat down for a real discussion where the other one & the subject had our full attention.
> 
> ...


Yes I am trying to do that now . I realize maybe with raising children , work and life in general , I’ve neglected to enjoy those types of things with him … we are currently trying to re kindle what’s left in the marriage .. awkward at times and still trying to grasp setting time aside for US … I am hopeful that slowly , we can re connect to not what we had . because I think that’s already far and done but re connect to this new us .. the new existence of moving forward despite the bad … it’s not gonna be like it was before , it never will be that .. but I think we can try for something new … hopefully something better??


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