# 3rd time that I've caught bf texting other women



## qdxjmom (Aug 30, 2012)

Ok. Here's the story...

The first night I ever spent the night with him, the next morning a woman called and told him that she was on her way to his house, so he'd better get anyone out of his bed who was there. When he got off the phone, he explained that this person who called was an ex who lived in another state and he had done something similar to her in the past. There was no commitment between us at that time, at the most, it was awkward for me. After a few months we became more serious, I moved in with him, and I informed him that I was upset that he still had contact with her. His response was that she lived in another state so nothing was going on.
Fast forward a few months, I was then pregnant, had added another cell phone so that he could have one. Our relationship was pretty rocky during my pregnancy. We got along great, no problems sexually, but every weekend he would go out with his friends & party. I didn't have any desire to go because I was pregnant, so for about 3 weekends of every month, I would sit at home, crying, waiting for him to come home. He was never home when he promised he would be. This would result in angry phone calls from me to which he would reply that he doesn't want to come home if I'm just going to yell at him. 
During this time, I had also discovered that he had been calling his ex in another state and deleting the call records from his phone. We talked and he quit talking to her. Our son was born and he asked if it would be ok if he sent her pics of our baby, and I said that would be ok, but I didn't want to deal with him contacting her behind my back. Shortly after that he cut off contact and began staying home with me & our son.
3 years later, things were going well, we had another child and bought a house. A few months after we moved, I was paying our phone bill, and it was $300 more than normal. So I checked the records to see why. I found a month of continuous texting to a local number that I didn't recognize. He came home from work before I left for work, and thought he was surprising me. I asked him to come and look at the phone records and tell me whose # it belonged to. At first he lied & said it was a mutual friend, but I pointed out that friend doesn't have the same area code as the number on the bill. Them he told me that he knew who it was but wouldn't tell me til I got off of work. I felt sick all day & so I came home early and he said that I didn't have anything to worry about, and that it was just a friend that he had known a few yrs before we met. The friend turned out to be a younger girl who lived less than a block from our house. He refused to tell me why he was texting her, but maintained that he didn't cheat. The texts apparently stopped the day before I found out. 
Now, 2 years later, he's done it again. This time I stumbled upon a password protected messaging system, figured out his password in less than 2 minutes and checked the phone records to fond out that he had started texting the other woman the day before. When he got home, I asked him if he had been deleting Msgs again & he said no, then I asked about the # on the bill that isn't on his phone and he said it was a guy from work. I had already done some research and found out the woman's name, and I said "no its someone named C" he said I was psycho and he intentionally did it because he knew I would figure it out. If he didn't want me to find out he would've bought a pre-paid phone ans hid it. He blames me for being jealous and not trusting him by always going through his phone, and refuses to admit that he did anything wrong. I know that he will never talk to me about why he does this when it hurts me so bad. I should probably also add that I had left my job about 2 weeks prior to finding this after discussing it with him. I'm so confused and I love him, but I'm not sure I can ever trust him. I don't think he has ever cheated physically, bit have no way of really knowing. I'm just hoping for some advice or opinions. I really want to work things out but not sure if I can because he won't talk to me about what causes hom to do this.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Honestly, youre not married, your relationship wasnt exclusive or serious from the start. Word of advice, if you ever get involved with somebody and you have to ask yourself "are we bf and gf or are we...?". Start slow. Then youre with the wrong person. Listen to your gut feeling, move on. If you have trouble doing that start dating other men and i am sure your now bf will question why he wasnt serious and will want you back but since youd be so far ahead would you want him back?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

qdxjmom said:


> Ok. Here's the story...
> 
> The first night I ever spent the night with him, the next morning a woman called and told him that she was on her way to his house, so he'd better get anyone out of his bed who was there. When he got off the phone, he explained that this person *who called was an ex who lived in another state and he had done something similar to her in the past.* There was no commitment between us at that time, at the most, it was awkward for me.


I know it's not helpful now but this is the time you should have cut your losses in the first place. 




qdxjmom said:


> After a few months we became more serious, I moved in with him, and I informed him that I was upset that he still had contact with her. His response was that she lived in another state so nothing was going on.


Again, if he was living with you but still talking to her regularly, something was likely still going on - even if it wasn't being physical, he was emotionally attached and showing you he wasn't as "serious" or invested in your relationship as you were.




qdxjmom said:


> Fast forward a few months, I was then pregnant,....


 Oops.



qdxjmom said:


> had added another cell phone so that he could have one. Our relationship was pretty rocky during my pregnancy.


 Double-oops. He was already being inappropriate with the ex via the other phone... this wasn't smart.



qdxjmom said:


> but every weekend he would go out with his friends & party. I didn't have any desire to go because I was pregnant, so for about 3 weekends of every month, I would sit at home, crying, waiting for him to come home. He was never home when he promised he would be. This would result in angry phone calls from me to which he would reply that he doesn't want to come home if I'm just going to yell at him.


He wasn't invested in the relationship or ready to be a dad. I'm guessing you are both young and the pregnancy was not planned. I don't mean that to be snarky at all (I'm young too). But he was showing you exactly what his priorities were and they had nothing to do with you or the baby you were carrying.



qdxjmom said:


> During this time, I had also discovered that he had been calling his ex in another state and deleting the call records from his phone. *We talked and he quit talking to her.*


 1) Shouldn't have been too surprised judging by his prior behaviour. 2) No he didn't (as for the bolded part).




qdxjmom said:


> Our son was born and he asked if it would be ok if he sent her pics of our baby,


 If he wasn't talking to her still, he wouldn't have wanted to send the baby photos. 



qdxjmom said:


> and I said that would be ok, but I didn't want to deal with him contacting her behind my back.


I know it seemed logical to you at the time (at least it won't be in secret if I let him) but really, this was a doormat, enabling move. It screams, "Please cheat on me." Why put up with this crap?!



qdxjmom said:


> Shortly after that he cut off contact and began staying home with me & our son.
> 3 years later, things were going well, we had another child and bought a house.


Please don't have more babies with this man. He's not good for you.



qdxjmom said:


> phone bill, and it was $300 more than normal.... month of continuous texting... he knew who it was but wouldn't tell me til I got off of work....turned out to be a younger girl... refused to tell me why he was texting her, but maintained that he didn't cheat. The texts apparently stopped the day before I found out.


:banghead:



qdxjmom said:


> Now, *2 years later*, he's done it again.


TWO YEARS LATER!?!?! :banghead: gEt OuT of this relationship! That's two more years too many IMHO. He's a cheat and has been since you slept together in the first place. Was still cheating when you moved in together, cheated on you while pregnant, after baby, after baby number 2 etc. etc.



qdxjmom said:


> He blames me for being jealous and not trusting him by always going through his phone, and refuses to admit that he did anything wrong.


This is called gaslighting. It's a common cheater's manipulation tool. Read the CWI Newbie Thread. 



qdxjmom said:


> I don't think he has ever cheated physically, bit have no way of really knowing. I'm just hoping for some advice or opinions. I really want to work things out but not sure if I can because he won't talk to me about what causes hom to do this.


Just get out. I hate to say this but he probably has had a PA but does it really matter? He's a cheat and he's not going to change (at least right now). You've been putting up with his crap since day 1 despite all of the signs and times you've caught him. Even though you get mad or cry, he knows you'll just get over it so he continues to do this to you. As harsh as it is to say, he was never committed to you and probably will never be. Especially if you don't stand up for yourself. 

You can stick around to be cheated on or you can kick his no good butt to the curb, do the 180 and start getting stronger for yourself and your kids. I know it's hard to move on when you have kids with someone but it's a lot harder to stay with someone who doesn't love, value or respect you enough not to cheat - especially repetitively. 

Having kids with someone is no reason to stick around and be constantly betrayed and I say this as a pregnant mom (due in less than 2 weeks) who 2 weeks ago, kicked her cheating man to the curb and is starting to feel the beginnings of a backbone/spine again.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

This is not going to get any better for you.
Nothing is more disrespectful than another woman chasing you out of a man's house after you've spent the first night with him.
But he did that to you and you accepted it.

It doesn't matter whether or not you all were exclusive. 
A healthy dose of self respect would have put him in his rightful place,in the sanitary bin next to the WC where you discard used wet wipes, sanitary napkins and other feminine disposables.

He continued disrespecting you throughout your pregnancy and numerous times. It is now a habit for him.
There may even be other times he was unfaithful and you never knew.
First you need to ask yourself why?
Why have you accept his blatant disrespect for all these years?


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