# My Parents



## lesliem (Nov 13, 2010)

I'm 23, and currently have no choice but to stay at home until I can find a job in my career.

My dad is a great father, my mom is a great mother, but the verbal abuse towards each other is horrid. Okay, I'll be honest, it's mostly from my father towards my mother.

I don't need to explain what happens because I know it's verbal abuse and it's not good. My parents have been married almost 40 years. My sister who is 32 and living on her own has said that what goes down has been happening forever. It's like a vicious cycle. She tells me the same thing, stay out of it, don't get involved. Easier said than done in my situation. I am unemployed, don't have my own car, or gas to put in this car. I can't exactly always run away. Not only that, but I am brought into the situation sometimes and get yelled at or accused of taking sides if I don't state an opinion.

I can't turn a blind eye to this anymore... but there aren't any options. I'm sick of this. I've literally gotten sick over it. I hate having to sit here and listen to everything. I try to drown it out and it never works. I try to not get emotional, turn to stone every time a harsh insult is said. If this was happening in my own life, I wouldn't put up with it.

Can't call the police, what law is there against verbal abuse? My parents would never go to therapy. But I know my mother is dying inside & it depresses me. There's nothing I can do and it bothers me. My sister and I have begged my mom to leave but she doesn't have money and doesn't want to burden my sister as she is newly wed.

I know this is a forum for married couples only... but it was the only place I could find that seemed relevant where I could vent.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

lesliem said:


> If this was happening in my own life, I wouldn't put up with it.


Im not really sure what you mean by this statement because this is happening in your life and you are putting up with it. Do you mean you wouldn't stay married in a situation like this? Its easy to say something like that, but be careful because if you cant get out of this situation, you wont be able to get out of an abusive marriage either. If you cant find a solution to this problem you will not be able to solve problems in your marriage either. 

I lived with my mom when i was 23 also. then my sister and her alcoholic husband moved in. my sister and my mom were bad enough. they got in violent physical and verbal fights. bringing the alcoholic husband into it was icing on the cake. my sister and her husband got in screaming matches and crazy fights. Then, to top it off, my alcoholic brother moved in who happened to hate my sisters husband. I stayed in that situation for awhile. I tried to manage the chaos. I was, in my opinion, the only sane person there. And i would feel guilty leaving my mom with all those nuts because my sister was violent. i did call the cops on them once. it was an awful situation. i also wanted to help my brother stop drinking. i would feel bad leaving him there because no one cared about him. But after a mental breakdown I had an "Ah-ha" moment and realized i couldnt live there anymore because it wasnt good for me. I wanted to take care of me. I wasnt helping anyone by being there.

There is absolutely no way to stay sane in these situations. If you stay with your parents you are going to go crazy and there is nothing anyone can do for you. its that simple. If you stay there you will become just like them. They are not going to revert and see the errors of their ways. they will bring you down to their level and beat you at your own game. 

I understand you have no way to leave and so you desperately want to believe you can change them, because they have to change for your life to be manageable. It doesnt work that way. If you want change its going to have to be you that changes. Its that simple. Either you get a job and learn to be independent or this is going to be your life.


----------



## lesliem (Nov 13, 2010)

Well, first of all, I was engaged to someone who was showing signs of control issues and after not being able to work it out, I let them go. Also, this isn't my marriage which is why I feel very stuck. My sister and I have talked to my parents many times and no one wants to change or seek help.

Anyway, I have been doing all I can to get a stable job in my field that will actually allow me to move out. I chose a very competitive field and the fact that I am not independent bothers me everyday. That is a completely separate issue. 

Thanks for your reply.


----------



## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Can you live with your sister until you find a job and move out?

If both parents aren't willing to help the situation then there is not much you can do.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

lesliem said:


> My sister and I have talked to my parents many times and no one wants to change or seek help.
> 
> Anyway, I have been doing all I can to get a stable job in my field that will actually allow me to move out. I chose a very competitive field and the fact that I am not independent bothers me everyday. That is a completely separate issue.


You are right that no one wants to change. Everyone wants the other person to change, and that includes you. Your dependence might seem like a separate issue, but it really is the issue because its the reason you are stuck. You've got tunnel vision. You're holding out for a job in your field and you see that as the only solution, but you might have to pick the lesser of two evils and get a job that isnt exactly what you want. That's what i had to do to get out of my house. I worked two jobs. I had very little money for anything other then rent, food, and gas, but I had some peace. I also had a roommate so rent was cheaper. You'll have to find a solution that does not require your parents changing.


----------

