# Why WS has such a low respect for BS !!!



## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

Why WS has such a low respect for BS. A BS in any normal relationship has given so much yet a WS has such a low respect/love for BS then compare to WS’s parents/siblings/friends. 

Parents/Siblings/friends are part of WS while growing/maturing but it’s the BS who is through thick and thin of the real life journey yet it’s the BS who get least respect whereas it should be other way round !!! 

To pull the WS out of affair, a BS has to go through exposure to family/friends which clearly shows what sort of respect a BS has in a relationship !!!

I can understand the BS becomes doormat but still a doormat deserves better respect then parents/siblings/friends of WS via divorce/better communication etc.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

A BS is only a doormat when they allow themselves to be so.

A BS who stands up and says their piece and holds the WS responsible is no doormat.

A BS who says, "I'm done - finished. I refuse to be used again" and walks out the door, is not a doormat.

A BS who says, "Why?" and works on rebuilding and restoring proper boundaries is not a doormat.

During an affair the respect a WS has is gone. It's not there.

It's the respect a WS has AFTER an affair is what determines if a reconciliation is possible or divorce is inevitable.


***All only my opinion, though***


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

John2012 said:


> Why WS has such a low respect for BS. A BS in any normal relationship has given so much yet a WS has such a low respect/love for BS then compare to WS’s parents/siblings/friends.
> 
> Parents/Siblings/friends are part of WS while growing/maturing but it’s the BS who is through thick and thin of the real life journey yet it’s the BS who get least respect whereas it should be other way round !!!
> 
> ...



Justification? If they had any respect, they wouldn't be able to handle the truth of devastation caused. I don't believe their choice in betrayal is all based in logical decision. I think much of their decision is based in timing and attraction and "what if". 

It's so difficult at times to accept I have made a mistake or a bad decision based on just what I know. It's much easier to find a reason that is based partly in reality and partly in fiction. I don't mean lies as much as false beliefs and justifications based on bad information and lack of knowledge or understanding.

If I had intense sexual desire for someone and did not think marriage was meant to be a one time thing, for the rest of my life, I would mentally justify my own thoughts of infidelity. Actions would be a short step away and guilt would be in direct relation to justification.

Edit: If I knew I had made a mistake marrying someone and needed to get out for whatever reason, I would get out before being unfaithful. I would know from experience that there are more fish in the sea and if I lost one, I could find another. There is no excuse, period. The lack of respect is real in many cases and duly justified. It never justifies infidelity.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are at least two kinds of WS. One is the serial cheater who basically has no respect for their spouse. They feel that they have the right to cheat. They generally start cheating very early in the marriage, if not through the engagement and never stop. These type of cheaters are broken people who broke long before they decided to get married.

Most WS are not serial cheaters. Most are people who meant their vows when they said them. But somewhere along the way something in them broke. There are many reasons why this happens. 

Often a WS starts to cheat because they feel that the marriage is over. They have given up. So the affair is an exit affair... something to help them break the marriage and get out of it.

By the time a person starts to cheat, yes they have lost a lot of respect for their spouse. Why? This depends on so many things it's hard to generalize.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> There are at least two kinds of WS. One is the serial cheater who basically has no respect for their spouse. They feel that they have the right to cheat. They generally start cheating very early in the marriage, if not through the engagement and never stop. These type of cheaters are broken people who broke long before they decided to get married.
> 
> Most WS are not serial cheaters. Most are people who meant their vows when they said them. But somewhere along the way something in them broke. There are many reasons why this happens.
> 
> ...


My stbxw uses this "broken" term a lot. Constantly, matter of fact. What does this mean? Moralless? Unscrupulous? Heartless? Stupid? When I hear "broken" come from a wayward, I cringe.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

What is the old line familiarity breeds contempt, a person starts to devalue you over time when your value drops low enough they have no respect for you then they cheat.
Employees are the same, when you have some one work for you the second they think *you* owe them is the second they start to steal-product, time, your reputation. Why because they no longer value you, spouses are the same.
What they forget is that they owe you as much as you owe them 50/50, their selfish personality makes them lose respect for you and the cheating even more likely. A selfish person will always believe you owe them more than they owe you.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Often a WS starts to cheat because they feel that the marriage is over. They have given up. So the affair is an exit affair... something to help them break the marriage and get out of it.


EG, then why do so many betrayers like this beg to not end the marriage after they betray?


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

John2012 said:


> Why WS has such a low respect for BS. A BS in any normal relationship has given so much yet a WS has such a low respect/love for BS then compare to WS’s parents/siblings/friends.
> 
> Parents/Siblings/friends are part of WS while growing/maturing but it’s the BS who is through thick and thin of the real life journey yet it’s the BS who get least respect whereas it should be other way round !!!
> 
> ...


A lot of times I don't think there's a discrete decision to cheat, or when the cheating starts its been a series of small incremental steps.

I doubt most of them make an abrubt decision out of the blue, to engage in an affair (unless perhaps there is previous infidelity). That's why I say over and over again establishing the appropriate boundaries are so critical. 

I used to take for granted that most people held the same moral assumptions, and had the same basic understandings of human interaction. Golden rule, moderate your selfishness, communicate what you actually want directly etc etc.... time and time I can see there are many many people who just somehow never learned or forgot basic human decency and how to communicate their needs or hurts in an effective manner.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

It's the old "i feel like we're roommates" line. Really? Whens the last time a roommate paid your bills, held you when you cried and cuddled when in bed? Had sex? Took care of you when sick or rubbed your feet after a long day at work? 


It doesn't matter how good you are or what nice things you do for someone else: If respect is a barrier to cheating and they want to cheat they WILL. They will tell themselves whatever crap they can to make it work and rationalize it. 

It's not their respect for you, I think it's their selfish desire to taste the single life again. 

I was told I was cheated on because of "validation". She wanted to know men still desired her. (or so she said) 

They can come up with ANY reason to cheat, even after they swear and believe in their heart they never would. Some people are like that. 

But it's on them, not us. It's a reflection that they're wrong, selfish, ungrateful and foolish. They show they're the kind of person who would wreck a home for a few rolls in the hay. 

It's ironic: They show by their actions *THEY* are undeserving of respect. Not us. 


I envy that though. I envy the ability to divorce reality so completely. They do say ignorance is bliss. (well, until it's not)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

thatbpguy said:


> EG, then why do so many betrayers like this beg to not end the marriage after they betray?


A lot of WS who are in exit affairs do not beg for the marriage not to end. They want the marriage to end.

One thing I read about affairs is that a lot of them are presure values for the marriage. As long a the cheater can keep the affair secret, the marriage moves along smoothly and the couple does not have to face their problems. I think that this is more they type of affair situation where the WS begs for the BS to not leave them when the affair is discovered.

There is no one scenario for affairs.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> A BS is only a doormat when they allow themselves to be so.
> 
> A BS who stands up and says their piece and holds the WS responsible is no doormat.
> 
> ...


Needs to be posted again!

I would add that respect is never freely given. It needs to be earned. Demand respect and you will most often receive it. And before you can earn respect from others you need to earn it from yourself. If you have no self respect you have nothing.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> EG, then why do so many betrayers like this beg to not end the marriage after they betray?


Good question...Mine was livid when I filed, even though little miss fantasy was there 5 years and counting...Go figure:scratchhead:


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

That's the thing...The level of respect the WS has for the BS is directly proportional to the amount of respect he/she has for him/herself. The lack of respect for BS is lack of respect WS has for self. Who can cultivate and nurture a delusion/lie/mentally modify reality/crucify BS to edify AP with SELF RESPECT & INTEGRITY?


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## BackOnTrack (Oct 25, 2011)

John2012 said:


> Why WS has such a low respect for BS. A BS in any normal relationship has given so much yet a WS has such a low respect/love for BS then compare to WS’s parents/siblings/friends.
> 
> Parents/Siblings/friends are part of WS while growing/maturing but it’s the BS who is through thick and thin of the real life journey yet it’s the BS who get least respect whereas it should be other way round !!!
> 
> ...


Former WS here.

It's not about respect or lack of respect. I've put a lot of thought into this since I saw this thread yesterday. I never lost respect for my wife during my affair. In fact, that is why the affair is a betrayal done in secrecy. It is more so about the respect I knew she would lose for me when discovered. 

The way I see it is that if someone has no respect for their spouse, they would simply do it in the open in the most blatant of ways. It's sort of like when I was growing up. I had all the respect in the world for my father. But yet I did many of the stupid things that teenagers do while knowing it would disappoint him if discovered. So I did them without his knowledge.

The end result is that it is the betrayed party that loses respect for the betrayer. As an added bonus, the betrayer loses respect for themselves as I did.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

*Sv: Re: Why WS has such a low respect for BS !!!*



BackOnTrack said:


> Former WS here.
> 
> It's not about respect or lack of respect. I've put a lot of thought into this since I saw this thread yesterday. I never lost respect for my wife during my affair. In fact, that is why the affair is a betrayal done in secrecy. It is more so about the respect I knew she would lose for me when discovered.
> 
> ...


I like your idea and it makes some kind of sense. But it could also be that the betrayer is just scared to be kicked out if found out. Doesn't have to be due to respect. But I do see some scenarios where it could apply.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

BOT; I gave it a bit more thought. I can really relate to the part where you say that BS loses respect for the wayward. This is why I'm still partly on the fence. 

One thing is that you lose respect when you discover what your spouse is capable of doing, but another important thing is, that it's hard to respect a "let's just forget the whole thing" attitude in the aftermath.

I think that many, if not most, waywards would regain a lot of the lost respect IF they fessed up to and took responsibility for their wrongdoings. 
As a bonus I think the WS would keep/gain respect for their spouse, when they are offered reconsiliation.


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> A lot of WS who are in exit affairs do not beg for the marriage not to end. They want the marriage to end.


Even in that situation more than a few change their minds once the divorce hammer hits them on the head. When they really begin to see what life w/o the betrayed spouse is going to be like, and the Welcome to Fantasy Island for Cheaters starts to lose its lustre, then all those months of saying ILYBINILWY look a lot less truthful.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> *A lot of WS who are in exit affairs do not beg for the marriage not to end. They want the marriage to end.
> *
> One thing I read about affairs is that a lot of them are presure values for the marriage. As long a the cheater can keep the affair secret, the marriage moves along smoothly and the couple does not have to face their problems. I think that this is more they type of affair situation where the WS begs for the BS to not leave them when the affair is discovered.
> 
> There is no one scenario for affairs.


And it also depends on the WS is in the affair. At first, they're sampling a new partner to see if they want to move on with them. And then as with my exBIL, he and his mistress were trying the get the finances in order. My sister now believes that her exH paid for her nursing training off the household budget. Both she and her ex are medical doctors.

IT seems to me that in the early days, my sister could have caught the affair at a moment when my exBIL was not so sure. But whether she could have saved the marriage is questionable knowing what I know. They had seriously divergent values and preferences.

With my exH, it was an exit affair. It was only a couple months before he asked for the divorce. And once we were formally separated, he dropped this woman's sorry a$$. And actually came across his second wife about 6 months before we completed our divorce.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Why? Because they don't care about the BS enough.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

BackOnTrack said:


> Former WS here.
> 
> It's not about respect or lack of respect. I've put a lot of thought into this since I saw this thread yesterday. I never lost respect for my wife during my affair. In fact, that is why the affair is a betrayal done in secrecy. It is more so about the respect I knew she would lose for me when discovered.
> 
> ...


With respect no, you can't get off that lightly my friend 

You're being economical with the definition of respect - doing stuff as a teenager because your dad does not approve is nothing like committing adultery with a partner who's life you completely and utterly decimate, not to mention any kids of yours and kids / wives / husbands extended families of the others involved 

Either hide your adultery or do it in front of their faces _you are still committing adultery_, having an affair and the basic prerequisite for doing that is to have no respect for your partner at all - it's why you can even consider it in the first place

Sorry but even if you can use the "Oh it just happened" "it just escalated" foe a week you still arrive at a point pretty quickly where you are fully aware of what you're doing and the consequences of carrying on with it. 

Right there is where you find out that you have zero respect for your other half - takes you all of about .0001 of a second - it's the fact that you have a choice that crushes the respect beyond all recognition


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## BackOnTrack (Oct 25, 2011)

cpacan said:


> One thing is that you lose respect when you discover what your spouse is capable of doing, but another important thing is, that it's hard to respect a "let's just forget the whole thing" attitude in the aftermath.


I agree. The result of dday1 was more or less "let's just forget the whole thing" and move forward. It wasn't that simple d I don't want to take the time to type the whole story, but there was no big effort made to fix the issues from either of us. Unfortunately, that led to dday2. 



cpacan said:


> I think that many, if not most, waywards would regain a lot of the lost respect IF they fessed up to and took responsibility for their wrongdoings.
> As a bonus I think the WS would keep/gain respect for their spouse, when they are offered reconsiliation.


I can't say that her offering me the privilege of reconciliation made me respect her more or less. It was the hard work that both of us put into counseling and repairing the marriage in the aftermath that built on the respect each other.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Demoralizing a person to take advantage of them is one heck of an ego trip. Arrogance bar none...It is sad. But then, Karma is certainly, unequivocably a B***H!


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## BackOnTrack (Oct 25, 2011)

Headspin said:


> With respect no, you can't get off that lightly my friend
> 
> You're being economical with the definition of respect - doing stuff as a teenager because your dad does not approve is nothing like committing adultery with a partner who's life you completely and utterly decimate, not to mention any kids of yours and kids / wives / husbands extended families of the others involved


I was not trying to equate the two scenarios, and I was certainly not trying to minimize my actions. However, I do believe my analogy is valid. The only difference is the end result, and it is a horrible one at that.



> Either hide your adultery or do it in front of their faces _you are still committing adultery_, having an affair and the basic prerequisite for doing that is to have no respect for your partner at all - it's why you can even consider it in the first place


You are saying that with respect, it is all or nothing? Perhaps I differ in my thinking, but I can have respect for behaviors or actions of a person and at the same time have a lack of respect for other behaviors. Even during the affair I had great respect for many of my wife's qualities. Others, not so much.

For example, I have always had great respect for her as a mother and for her strong work ethic. But after many years of trying to explain my unhappiness with our marriage and failing to make any progress, I lost respect for her as a wife and for marriage in general.




> Sorry but even if you can use the "Oh it just happened" "it just escalated" foe a week you still arrive at a point pretty quickly where you are fully aware of what you're doing and the consequences of carrying on with it.
> 
> Right there is where you find out that you have zero respect for your other half - takes you all of about .0001 of a second - it's the fact that you have a choice that crushes the respect beyond all recognition


The above better describes the loss of respect that I had for myself and of the values that I was taught. It also describes the point at which my wife lost respect for me.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

BackOnTrack said:


> I can't say that her offering me the privilege of reconciliation made me respect her more or less. It was the hard work that both of us put into counseling and repairing the marriage in the aftermath that built on the respect each other.


I find this interesting. So your wife's ability to forgive and give you another chance doesn't make you respect her more?

What's the logic or feelings behind this? Is it entitlement, blameshifting or what? How can your wife be safe with you?


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

cpacan said:


> I find this interesting. So your wife's ability to forgive and give you another chance doesn't make you respect her more?
> 
> What's the logic or feelings behind this? Is it *entitlement*, blameshifting or what? How can your wife be safe with you?


Ever wonder why some people cheat? Its a privilege you know....


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

I think it comes from being emotionally uninvested/disconnected in the relationship.

What's sadder than the WS having low respect for the BS, is the BS having low respect for him/herself.


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

Shadow_Nirvana said:


> I think it comes from being emotionally uninvested/disconnected in the relationship.
> 
> What's sadder than the WS having low respect for the BS, is the BS having low respect for him/herself.


I don't think as a BS, I had low respect for myself but yes, I was very much invested party in the relationship so I was willing to compromise on my respect. 

Once affair become open, I've shown my dark side of how I handle nasty things. It's the survival skills I learned. I know that will brings back my respect, so I used that skills !!!

Marriage is a compromise, I compromised my happiness/respect with a good intention. If other party took advantage of it, I can't do much about that except going for D.


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## BackOnTrack (Oct 25, 2011)

cpacan said:


> I find this interesting. So your wife's ability to forgive and give you another chance doesn't make you respect her more?
> 
> What's the logic or feelings behind this? Is it entitlement, blameshifting or what? How can your wife be safe with you?


I try to answer these questions in a way that reflects my thought process at the time that this was all happening. We are now almost 2 years into a very good R, so I often struggle with the thought process that I had at the time as compared to my current thinking. That is why I take a lot of time to respond to some of the questions. 

At this moment in time, I have great respect for the strength it took for her to take that risk and attempt to R with me. But at the time, that was not the issue. Given my actions, it was difficult to fathom anyone would even be able to try. In other words, it was difficult to think in terms of respect when she would give me another chance following the second dday. I felt more gratitude than anything else.


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