# God Help Me!



## BeetleBug (May 24, 2011)

My husband is an awful father. He is abusive. My 3 year old is at a hitting stage. I have been using time outs. My husband slaps him back on the bum or hand. He hits hard, yells and loses control. He yells that he is a bad boy and that he wants to give him away. I bawled with my baby today. I would leave in a heartbeat until my husband gets under control but the time I tried we got in a tug of war over the toddler which made things worse. I would leave for good but my co-worker was in a worse situation and she got told different parenting styles and got 50/50 custody. I'm reading Lundy Bancroft and it is tough to prove abuse and get any kind of supervised visits to stick. I am emotionally and financially able to take care of myself and kids but I am scared to leave and have to turn kids over to their dad without me as some sort of buffer. What the he!! Do I do?
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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Divorce with supervised visits for him.


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## BeetleBug (May 24, 2011)

BigToe said:


> Divorce with supervised visits for him.


Should I VAR him? My friend tried that. She got told from CPS they don't get involved in divorces (disgruntled ex) so to get it written in agreement. Tried that and got told if true why no support from CPS? She got stopped at every turn, police, CPS, civil court and ended up 50/50. So now she has to turn over 8 and 5 year old every other week - no supervision. I'm terrified of that!
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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

VAR? CPS? Not sure this forum has a thread for contractions but I sure could use one for guidance.

Sorry, I can't guess what those are but certainly if you can document your husbands behavior to the satisfaction of the court his visitation can be regulated.


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## BeetleBug (May 24, 2011)

BigToe said:


> VAR? CPS? Not sure this forum has a thread for contractions but I sure could use one for guidance.
> 
> Sorry, I can't guess what those are but certainly if you can document your husbands behavior to the satisfaction of the court his visitation can be regulated.


Sorry VAR - voice activated recorder and CPS - child protective services
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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Thanks...I should have been able to figure those out...but it's getting late. 

Secret recordings without his knowledge will be difficult to introduce in court or any other govt agency (as your friend found out). Your best bet is to seek legal advice on how supervised visits could be accomplished.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

Has he displayed this abusive behavior in front of anyone else? You stated “kids” in original post. Other than the 3 year old, are there children in the home which are of school age? 

The school district generally staffs a representative whom investigates any reported or suspected child abuse situations. It takes very few negative comments made by a child attending school for an investigation to be warranted. e.g.; “My dad spanks my 3 year old brother really hard. It makes my mom cry also.” A remark like that, from a child attending California schools and I assure you, there will be some form of contact and a visit made to that home.


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## BeetleBug (May 24, 2011)

TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore said:


> Has he displayed this abusive behavior in front of anyone else? You stated “kids” in original post. Other than the 3 year old, are there children in the home which are of school age?
> 
> The school district generally staffs a representative whom investigates any reported or suspected child abuse situations. It takes very few negative comments made by a child attending school for an investigation to be warranted. e.g.; “My dad spanks my 3 year old brother really hard. It makes my mom cry also.” A remark like that, from a child attending California schools and I assure you, there will be some form of contact and a visit made to that home.


We also have a 7 month old as well. He puts on great show to everyone else. I constantly hear on the 'street' how awesome he is and how lucky I am. He's always jovial and laughing in public but in private he can be fun or a bloody nightmare! He's always talking about how his family means the world to him etc. I think we do on some level but he loses control too easily!
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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Most abusers are charming and slick and put on a great front to "the rest of the world."

You are enabling him the longer you stay with him. You are putting your children in a volatile situation where they are going to grow up thinking that's normal and acceptable. 

You said yourself you can handle being on your own financially...so go.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Consult an attorney before making a move.


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## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

Run, do not walk! You are a mother & that means your children always come first. If you do not do everything in your power to protect them you are taking part in the abuse. 

What will you tell your children when they are old enough to ask "Mom, why didn't you protect us from him?"


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## BeetleBug (May 24, 2011)

Cara said:


> Run, do not walk! You are a mother & that means your children always come first. If you do not do everything in your power to protect them you are taking part in the abuse.
> 
> What will you tell your children when they are old enough to ask "Mom, why didn't you protect us from him?"


That is my point. To everyone else he is perfect. He speaks to anyone who'll listen with a catch in his voice and a tear in his eye that his family means the world to him. He LOVES his boys. Blah blah blah. Everyone tells me how LUCKY I am to have him. If I leave he will fight for 50/50 custody and likely succeed. Successful hockey coach, no abuse on record, no calls to police, no bruises, hospital stays... So if I leave without ducks in a row the question is, 'Mommy, how could you leave us alone with him half the time'. I am protecting them the only way I can right now, by being there 24/7.
Question: what if I video-taped one of his rages (on my phone)? It makes me sick because I couldn't intervene and protect my son, I'd have to just watch and let it play out, but I'd have my proof. Or when he rages, anonymously call police for disturbance and pretend neighbor called due to yelling. It's the only thing I can think of!
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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

BeetleBug said:


> That is my point. To everyone else he is perfect. He speaks to anyone who'll listen with a catch in his voice and a tear in his eye that his family means the world to him. He LOVES his boys. Blah blah blah. Everyone tells me how LUCKY I am to have him. If I leave he will fight for 50/50 custody and likely succeed. Successful hockey coach, no abuse on record, no calls to police, no bruises, hospital stays... So if I leave without ducks in a row the question is, 'Mommy, how could you leave us alone with him half the time'. I am protecting them the only way I can right now, by being there 24/7.
> Question: what if I video-taped one of his rages (on my phone)? It makes me sick because I couldn't intervene and protect my son, I'd have to just watch and let it play out, but I'd have my proof. Or when he rages, anonymously call police for disturbance and pretend neighbor called due to yelling. It's the only thing I can think of!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I too ran into being blamed as 'disgruntled ex' when trying to get supervised visits for my kids with my ex. Might have to talk to lawyer!
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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Use a VAR. Record his outbursts. The longer you stay, the worse.


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