# Emotionally exhausted



## Gracielives (Jan 11, 2018)

Hello everyone,

My husband and I have been together for 7 years and only married for 5. We are young, I’m 28, and he’s 27. I moved to be with him because his job moved him 800 miles away from home before we had our daughter. He works Swing shift and I am a stay at home mom to a beautiful 2 1/2 year old girl. Our 2 year old is fully disabled. She can not communicate, she’s not mobile either. I have a full week schedule of therapies with her- ontop of doing the normal house hold chores and making sure my husband has food ready for him. Our sex life sucks- maybe once a month. He gets upset with me because I don’t have sex with him enough, but I am emotionally spent most days. We have no friends, no family here so I have no life other than taking care of our child and him. I am always so exhausted, she doesn’t sleep much, so I don’t sleep.. I don’t know how to get my sex drive up and I’m afraid it’s effecting our marriage. Help.:frown2:


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Have you visited a doctor to explain the situation. The obvious answer would be physical and mental exhaustion given the workload you carry with looking after your disabled child along with the household chores. Perhaps visit a doctor and explain the situation.

Another thing that might work but not for all people is start watching porn on the net. (No i'm not trying to be funny)


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

I can totally relate to your post though it has been many years since my son was 2, but he has profound learning difficulties that completely exhausted me when he was younger and I wish that I had bought in additional help. He did get easier as he got older particularly with sleeping and behaviour, but it was definitely a rough time that I don't really know how I got through it.

Is there any way you could get additional help with care?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

It is completely understandable for you to be exhausted after caring for a special needs child. 

It is completely reasonable for him to want a good sex life as part of a happy marriage. 

No one is as fault here and I think its important that you both realize that. Its just a really difficult situation. 

Can he help more with caring for your child?

Can you get into the mood for more frequent, but maybe quick sex to try to help you both feel attached?


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

You are caught in a difficult situation. Hopefully both of you can summon compassion for yourselves and for each other.
Your child needs even more of you than most. That leaves even less of you for your H. Difficult for both of you.
Hopefully you and your H will find a way to have this draw you closer together rather than pulling you apart. Your child needs both of you. That should motivate your H to be understanding that your child needs much of your attention. And you to be understanding that if you exhaust yourself tending to the child, and your H leaves because he has been neglected, then you have not necessarily allocated your time and energy in your child's best interest.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Gracielives said:


> Hello everyone,
> 
> My husband and I have been together for 7 years and only married for 5. We are young, I’m 28, and he’s 27. I moved to be with him because his job moved him 800 miles away from home before we had our daughter. He works Swing shift and I am a stay at home mom to a beautiful 2 1/2 year old girl. Our 2 year old is fully disabled. She can not communicate, she’s not mobile either. I have a full week schedule of therapies with her- ontop of doing the normal house hold chores and making sure my husband has food ready for him. Our sex life sucks- maybe once a month. He gets upset with me because I don’t have sex with him enough, but I am emotionally spent most days. We have no friends, no family here so I have no life other than taking care of our child and him. I am always so exhausted, she doesn’t sleep much, so I don’t sleep.. I don’t know how to get my sex drive up and I’m afraid it’s effecting our marriage. Help.:frown2:


Define disabled.

What you're experiencing is a classic example of a woman being so consumed with child care, that she no longer has time or energy for her husband. The two solutions are for your husband to start doing more child work, and thereby take some of the burden off of you. Or for you to reduce the amount of child care to a more manageable level.

An idea would be to put the baby in her own room at night. She can not sleep all she wants, and leave you free to sleep through the night. What your child needs most is for you and your husband to have a stable and fulfilling relationship. So my recommendation, would be to cut childcare activities that are unnecessary (like her sleeping with you, and keeping you up all night), so that you have more time and energy to invest in your marriage.


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## Gracielives (Jan 11, 2018)

Thank you all for the replies.

For clarification - she does not sleep with me. She has her own room but does not sleep well. She is severely autistic, non verbal, cannot walk, has spina bifida, on oxygen full time, has a g tube, broncho dysplasia, many more things but there’s just to name some. We have looked into getting care as she cannot go into day care but it’s so hard to trust people to come into your home and take care of your child plus very expensive because of all her needs. My husband tries to help but with his schedule it’s not much help. I have talked to a doctor who put me on anti-depressants but that only helps so much.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Gracielives said:


> Thank you all for the replies.
> 
> For clarification - she does not sleep with me. She has her own room but does not sleep well. She is severely autistic, non verbal, cannot walk, has spina bifida, on oxygen full time, has a g tube, broncho dysplasia, many more things but there’s just to name some. We have looked into getting care as she cannot go into day care but it’s so hard to trust people to come into your home and take care of your child plus very expensive because of all her needs. My husband tries to help but with his schedule it’s not much help. I have talked to a doctor who put me on anti-depressants but that only helps so much.


Perhaps you could start sleeping with ear plugs. Allowing you to get a consistent amount of good sleep. This will give you more energy to spend quality time with your husband.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

You both are in a really tough situation. I really feel for you and my heart hurts for you. The mother in me just wants to hug you and help relieve your burden and tell you its all going to be OK. 

As hard as this all is - you and your husband need to step back and re-group - and somehow find some solutions to lessen your load and to give you time for you to be alone and get some rest so you can refuel. And to give you some time to work on your relationship with your husband as man and woman - not just as parents. I think you will find this time with him can also help you to refuel and refresh yourself if you let it and use the time wisely with a good attitude. 

There are solutions. You may have to think out of the box - or be more creative - or re-prioritize and let some less important things go. If your husband and marriage are important enough to you - you both can find a way to make them a priority again. It may take shifting some of your responsibilities from your daughter on to others. It will definitely take you making your relationship with your husband and your own well being a high priority again, instead of pushing them both to the bottom of the list. 

Is there any respite care in your area? Is there a support group in the area for your type of situation that you can go to and possible make some friends or get some advice and help from. Are you a member of a church congregation. If so ask your Pastor for some help finding resources. 

It won't be easy - and it may be emotionally or even financially rough to give up some things that aren't really that important for your daughter or letting others take some of her care off your shoulders - but it can be done and well worth it in the end. 

There are untapped resources out there for you - you just have to find them. Talk to the nurses and the receptionists at your medical providers offices and ask them for ideas. Google your daughters issues and look for professional organizations or support groups. Contact them and ask for resources and help. My daughter has a special needs son - and found some grants online that she applied for and got to use for some of his counseling sessions. If you could find some grants for some of your out of pocket medical care costs or other expenses you are faced with - it could free up funds to hire some help for you. 

I know this is so overwhelming for you. I know you are beyond exhausted and may be at the breaking point. You are probably feeling this additional burden your husband is seemingly pushing on you is more than you can handle. Please understand that this all is hurting him as much as it is you. Try to pull together and don't let your daughters medical issues make you pull apart. 

What you do for your daughter is important, but what he does for the both of you is also important. You have to stay focused on the most important things in your life. Yes - taking care of your daughter is one of those important things. But it is only one of them not the only important thing. Your relationship with each other is also one of the most important things that needs to be a high priority. Your health and well being is right up there with your daughters on the importance list. Remember if you are only constantly pouring everything you got from your bucket into your daughters care - and are not taking time to refill your bucket - eventually it will run dry - and then where will she be? Where will you be? 

Take a deep breath. You can do this. Sending a huge motherly cyber hug your way!!


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

BioFury said:


> Perhaps you could start sleeping with ear plugs. Allowing you to get a consistent amount of good sleep. This will give you more energy to spend quality time with your husband.


The viability of that as a solution will depend greatly on the severity of their daughter's immediate needs and the risks to her if those needs aren't met during the night. 


However, I do agree OP, that you are going to have to find a way to create more balance in your life and in your marriage. Some posters above have offered good suggestions for places to go to seek help. And, yes, you may have to give up some things in order to get that help. But draining yourself completely in order to give everything to your daughter just isn't sustainable. And it's incompatible with sustaining a marriage. You, and your husband, must pull together and figure out a way to prioritize each other and your marriage, while also giving your daughter the care she needs. Involve him in that process. Keep the focus on the two of you, as a team, working to solve external problems. Don't allow either of you to get into a me vs. you sort of mindset, as that's a sure path to failure.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Rowan said:


> The viability of that as a solution will depend greatly on the severity of their daughter's immediate needs and the risks to her if those needs aren't met during the night.
> 
> There was a point in my son's life when not going to check on the monitor alerts could easily have resulted in his death a high percentage of the time. So, would it be better for me to be sleeping soundly with my earplugs so that I was more rested and had more energy for my husband and have a greater chance of my marriage surviving? Or was it better to keep the baby from dying? That's the absolute reality of the mental math that a lot of parents with special-needs kids face.


This is true - but again are those the only two choices int that equation? Sometimes the exhaustion and strain causes you to only see the most obvious choices and none others. But it doesn't mean there aren't other viable choices out there just cause you cant see them at the moment.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Rowan - do you have any practical advice for her? Looking back things you could have done or should have done? Places to look for resources? We can all brainstorm for her.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Just talked to my daughter. She got the grant through Unitedhealthcare Children's Foundation (UHCCF)

https://www.uhccf.org/


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## Monty4321 (Jul 15, 2011)

**give him more sex**
Ummm there is definitely some issues here and it sounds like the biggest complaint from your husband is not enough sex. Everyone is dancing around it. And you're damn right the low frequency of sex is affecting your marriage.
You can take all of the advice you want, but if you don't give him more now, you're dooming your marriage.
The advice the others gave you is good advice, but it doesn't fix the immediate need of your husband needing sex. You guys need counseling and he needs to help more so you both can take up,the load and be free for each other. It all takes time, but the sex can happen right now.
He's your husband and you signed up to take care of his needs and sex is the most important or one of the most important. Take your time working on all the issues, but sex must be worked on now. He's the one who you chose to live out your days with, so daily sacrificing 30 mins or so for intimate time should be easy.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Monty4321 said:


> **give him more sex**
> Ummm there is definitely some issues here and it sounds like the biggest complaint from your husband is not enough sex. Everyone is dancing around it. And you're damn right the low frequency of sex is affecting your marriage.
> You can take all of the advice you want, but if you don't give him more now, you're dooming your marriage.
> The advice the others gave you is good advice, but it doesn't fix the immediate need of your husband needing sex. You guys need counseling and he needs to help more so you both can take up,the load and be free for each other. It all takes time, but the sex can happen right now.
> He's your husband and you signed up to take care of his needs and sex is the most important or one of the most important. Take your time working on all the issues, but sex must be worked on now. He's the one who you chose to live out your days with, so daily sacrificing 30 mins or so for intimate time should be easy.


Easy? umm - maybe if she lies on the bed and can sleep while he goes at it. lol But we all know that he wouldn't like that either, nor would she. 

The child is 2 1/2 - not a small baby. She also is "severely autistic, non verbal, cannot walk, has spina bifida, on oxygen full time, has a g tube, broncho dysplasia, many more things but there’s just to name some." So everything has to be done for her and she has to be carried around. The OP doesn't have any help. Her husband tries but is on swing shift. The OP doesn't get to sleep much at night because her daughter doesn't sleep much. Her days are full with taking care of very very complicated medical and psychological issues for her daughter in addition to literally taking care of ALL of her daughters physical needs. She is exhausted, both physically and emotionally. Not just tired - exhausted. Easy? No I don't think so. 

But they do need to somehow work to find a solutions for this and work on their relationship. It won't be easy for the OP - but it needs to be done for the relationship to survive. 

Having said that - and I do hope they can work it out for the both of them - I will be honest (this is going to sound bad). If I were the OP and had on my plate everything she is dealing with. I might be exhausted enough to just say - Oh well - if it doesn't survive so be it.


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

I don’t presume to know what it’s like to be a parent to a disabled child. I’m sorry you’re here. Here are some of my thoughts:

- How do you view sex? Is it a chore? Or an important part to intimacy in your marriage. 

- can some of the chores you do be neglected? 

- do you feel desired? You probably don’t feel sexy when you’re exhausted. Can you get your husband to give you massages and let things go from there? Don’t wear pyjamas to bed to tease him?

- sex is important to maintaining intimacy and connection in your marriage. It might seem like a chore, but it is essential to the marriage and hence maintaining the family structure that your daughter needs. 

I think a lot of women focus too much on the children at the expense of the husband only to see their marriage break down when the children are older. I understand you have a lot on your plate. I hope you can be honest with your husband and talk about your situation. You need his support in this.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

Serious problem. Most marriages don't survive a lack of sex. I'm glad that you are treating this seriously. Wish I had an answer for you. At the very least, even if you aren't in the mood for sex, do a lot of snuggling and cuddling.


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## Gracielives (Jan 11, 2018)

Sorry I haven’t replied in a few days. I can’t just put ear buds in my ears and ignore my child - if it were that simple I would’ve done it already. What if her oxygen comes off and she dies just because I wanted to be selfish and get a full nights sleep? Won’t happen. 

And yes, I know my husband wants more sex. That’s why I came here to get advice and see if ANYONE possibly has gone through what I’m going through. It’s 6:53 am, my husband is on midnights and doesn’t get off until 8. I’ve had a long, rough night, I’m sure he has too and will be tired when he gets home but let me just make sure his need are met ontop of caring for our child who can’t take care of herself first, maybe then I can actually get him off, because it’s that easy, right?

Mary, thank you so much for trying to help. I am going to look into that program and hopefully we can get an in home nurse to come over and help. We have 2 health insurances for her but neither have offered a home nurse, just therapies to come to our house or for us to go to the facilities.


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## Gracielives (Jan 11, 2018)

Also, if my husband decides to leave me because of lack of sex then so be it, our child comes first. We wanted to bring her into this world, it’s not her fault she has all these problems, and I’m going to make damn sure I can make her as comfortable as possible.

Also, there has been times where he’s come home from work and was too tired for it when I tried to get him in the mood. So, it’s not just my fault.


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## Gracielives (Jan 11, 2018)

I also don’t treat sex as a chore. I love intimacy with him. It just seems as our daughter got older, she got more diagnosis’s and it became harder, and more added stress more doctors appointments. More therapies. She does 5 different therapies a week. She has operations every 2 months. 

I would love to have more time for us. We haven’t even had a date since she’s been born. I am going to try to look into the program Mary had posted. I do love my husband. Things are just complicated.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Here is another site - Ultimate List of Grants and Resources for Families with Special Needs - Joyful Journey Mom


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Here is an online support group for parents of children with Spina Bifida. They will probably be more helpful with you and your husbands issue - since they also live with some of what you are living with.

https://www.care.com/c/for/spina-bifida


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

One more - https://www.care.com/c/stories/6611/help-for-families-with-special-needs/

Google - help for parents with a disabled child. Like I said earlier there are resources and help out there for you. You just have to find it.

I hope some of these links help.

Good Luck Gracielives. I am keeping you and your family in my prayers this next week.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

A question for you Gracielives. Do you have family that would support you if you lived near them? How about your husbands family if you lived near by? I know you don't live near by them right now - but if they would be a great support, maybe your husband can start looking for a job near them. Hang in there. Gracie (is that your daughters name?) is luck to have you for a mom.


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## Monty4321 (Jul 15, 2011)

Gracielives said:


> Also, if my husband decides to leave me because of lack of sex then so be it, our child comes first. We wanted to bring her into this world, it’s not her fault she has all these problems, and I’m going to make damn sure I can make her as comfortable as possible.
> 
> Also, there has been times where he’s come home from work and was too tired for it when I tried to get him in the mood. So, it’s not just my fault.


That's not the right way to look at it. Generally speaking - Your spouse should come first. If you don't get that, your husband is always going to be low on your list. Putting your spouse first, doesn't mean that you are to neglect your kids. Your situation is different , so The medical needs of your kid should definetly come first.

"I’m going to make damn sure I can make her as comfortable as possible."

And what about your husband? That same attitude needs to go for taking care of your husband as well. So often it's all about the attitude we place upon things. You saying this goes to show that you don't have positive attitude in taking care of your husband. Being motivated and joyful at taking care of our spouses and seeing them happy is crucial. If that desire isn't there before marriage, we shouldn't marry.

Saying "so be it" is a very poor way of looking at it. If you want things to work, That mentality needs to change. Half of all marriages in the US fail because of that type of thought. You signed up for it - did you know that taking care of his need was a priority?

If he's too tired, that's his fault - it's not on you. And please forgive Me if I seen to blunt - not trying to upset you.


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## Monty4321 (Jul 15, 2011)

Gracielives said:


> And yes, I know my husband wants more sex. That’s why I came here to get advice and see if ANYONE possibly has gone through what I’m going through. It’s 6:53 am, my husband is on midnights and doesn’t get off until 8. I’ve had a long, rough night, I’m sure he has too and will be tired when he gets home but let me just make sure his need are met ontop of caring for our child who can’t take care of herself first, maybe then I can actually get him off, because it’s that easy, right?


On an everyday day basis it's not easy, but yes - if your man needs to be taken care of, you do it. That's part of the marriage. And he should also be understanding when you're tired and hold off. If not tonight, then the morning or next day.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

You have a huge task. Vastly difficult. I hope you get help. Taking proper care of your child is your top priority.

Please find a way to do fewer other chores, somehow, and make sex a top priority above all those other things.

My wife and I always knew the children came first in our lives.

We were on a boat once. It started as a very leisurely day just sitting by the shore, then the owner decided to take the boat out and it got choppy. My wife and I and our son did not have life vests. This was long ago, and vests weren't really considered a thing back then.

I leaned over and told my wife if we got dumped, she was going to drown because I would save our son. I have the training for it, and could. My wife felt that was a good thing.

We kept our sex life lively because I made sure sex always came right after the bare necessities to take care of the children. 

Sex should have priority over clean clothes and dinner, clean dishes and vacuuming. It always has for me, anyway. Missing meals never hurt me. Missing sex drives me up the wall and makes me absolutely crazy. 

I will happily hum "my cleanest dirty shirt" to myself as I get dressed if I have great sex. Without sex I'm ready to rip people's heads off.

You have a huge task. Vastly difficult. I hope you get help. Taking proper care of your child is your top priority.

But perhaps if you find a way to do fewer other chores, somehow, and make sex a top priority above all those other things, you can find time for sex on a regular basis and keep your marriage sound.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Good morning,

I was the primary caretaker for my son during his 3-year cancer fight, while working full-time and tending to the rest of the family. While he wasn't as disabled as your daughter, I completely understand the work involved in all those doctor and therapy appointments, and the constant stress of feeling like you have to be on alert 100% of the time.

It is not fair to have to deal with this, but it is what it is. At the end of the day you're just going to have to dig down deep and work much harder than you would in a normal family situation - that's the unfortunate truth. Also, you need to give up on having 100% control all the time and give yourself the break you need.

As far as cost goes: I don't know about your finances, but if your daughter's care is that much of a financial strain, have you looked into local, state, or Federal aid for your daughter? It seems like there are aid sources out there for kids with severe needs. I imagine you spend significant time at a children's hospital somewhere around you? Do they have a social worker who could explore getting you some help?

I think it's critical that you get at least a little respite. I suspect even a few hours a week to simply power down would be very beneficial. If you can't manage help for your daughter, can you at least manage a little domestic help (cleaning, meals, etc.) to reduce the strain in other areas?

I'm sure someone will note how anti-depressants might make your sex drive worse - something more to discuss with your doctor.



Gracielives said:


> Thank you all for the replies.
> 
> For clarification - she does not sleep with me. She has her own room but does not sleep well. She is severely autistic, non verbal, cannot walk, has spina bifida, on oxygen full time, has a g tube, broncho dysplasia, many more things but there’s just to name some. We have looked into getting care as she cannot go into day care but it’s so hard to trust people to come into your home and take care of your child plus very expensive because of all her needs. My husband tries to help but with his schedule it’s not much help. I have talked to a doctor who put me on anti-depressants but that only helps so much.


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## Gracielives (Jan 11, 2018)

Thanks for your replies. I am going to talk to my husband about perhaps letting household chores slip. I try to make sure everything is in order, clean, do our laundry, fold it and make sure meals are done on time. I know he’s complained before about me letting the house go a year or so ago but maybe if it will improve our sex life, he will agree that it’s the right thing. I just tried to stay on top of it so I wouldn’t have a lot more to do a different day. As for financial - she alone has BCBS with my husband’s job and then she also has a disabled children’s insurance that covers everything BCBS won’t cover such as her therapies and her operations. Thankfully if we didn’t have this second insurance for her, we would be hundreds of thousands in the hole. I have a number to call on Monday to seek out a pediatric nurse that can hopefully come help at home with her, it would be so much easier to move all of her therapies to Home. I’m sure that would take a lot off me as well. 

And yes my daughters name is Gracie. I’m very lucky that she’s still alive and I get to be her mother. These moments are hard but precious. I may never get to hear her call me mom or tell me she loves me but I hope she knows that I love her.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Gracielives said:


> Thanks for your replies. I am going to talk to my husband about perhaps letting household chores slip. I try to make sure everything is in order, clean, do our laundry, fold it and make sure meals are done on time. I know he’s complained before about me letting the house go a year or so ago but maybe if it will improve our sex life, he will agree that it’s the right thing.


Both of you need to accept that a tidy house should be way down on the list of priorities for the foreseeable future.
Child care. Spouse care. That is all you will have time and energy for.

You have a disabled child. Life is now different. Different than before the child arrived. And different that what you expected life with a child to be. Both of you need to accept that your image / fantasy of what parenthood will be like has been shattered and the pieces need to be rearranged.

If you end up divorced, it won't matter how neat the house was. Divorce is traumatic even if the house is clean.

If you end up divorced because you never have time or money or energy for sex or date night or tending to your marriage, your child is going to be worse off than if you stayed together. So you both need to find ways to do 2 things: (I) ruthlessly eliminate repetitive tasks that were important to you in the past but are now not important enough to continue as often or at all, and (ii) 
move "tending to our marriage" much higher on your priority lists. 

You have a disabled child. That dramatically raises the odds you will end up divorced. If both of you aren't proactively tending to your marriage, there is a very good chance it will end. And your child will likely suffer from that. So tending to your marriage IS tending to your child.

Wishing you the best of fortune going forward. You deserve it. Your path ahead is perilous. I pray you will find a lovely garden of peace along your journey. I hope it is your spouse.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I always helped my wife clear the path, so to speak. I never, and I mean never, complained about anything not getting done. At some point I sat her down and made sure she knew the order of priorities. 

Sure we had a messy kitchen a lot of times, but I sure didn't care. And many nights she would suggest fast food. I knew what that meant. A lot of nights it was tuna fish sandwiches on paper plates. 

We had three children.

Mary and I had sex every day. 

Each child had a tape player, and we played them children's music tapes when we put them to bed so they wouldn't hear us.

I can't imagine any husband who would consider any household chore as being more important than sex. I accepted she can't do it all. She is old fashioned and wouldn't ask me to do anything. So I constantly changed things to make her tasks easier. I forbid her from washing my shirts after just one wearing. She was aghast. How could she send a high flying engineer to work in a shirt that had already been worn once? I laughed and told her nobody noticed my shirt because they were blinded by my brilliance.

I did everything I could to make sure Mary had as little to do as possible beyond the basics of taking care of the children. But I admit, I never did any housework myself. The kitchen? She would often block me from getting into the kitchen! If I learned where something was in there, she would rearrange it the next day.


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