# Hoovering



## jaykay007 (Sep 7, 2010)

Quick Background:

She got pregnant age 19, after birth, she married the father. Marriage lasted 9 months. She filed for divorce.

2 months after divorce she moved in with another man, got engaged, moved in together and split with him after 2 months.

3 months after that she hooked on me. We got engaged 3 months later in the relationship. She wanted to get married 2 months after out engagement and I pulled the plug. We got married 9 months later (Dec 2007). I gave her the princess wedding she always wanted and accepted the faults she made in the past. I am financially capable and could offer mountains of financial security for her and her son... that’s how I see it now.

Marriage was great for a few years actually (2.5 years), her longest relationship. March 2010 I caught her cheating on me. I tried to forgive and work on the marriage, see marriage counsellors etc. I got that “I love you so much, but I am not in love with you” “ and “I care so much for you and want you to be happy” phrase.

...but she cheated again.

August 2010:
We separated on terms we will work on our self’s without seeing people. We scoped this separation in order to give our marriage a shot. I was so ignorant to think I need her in my life and will do anything to save our marriage. Bottom line, she actually dumped me.

During August and September:
She was screwing around and sharing a apartment with a male “roommate” due to her financial constraints. 

4 October:
I filed for divorce

29 October:
I divorced her officially and cleaned her out, leaving with nothing due to my hatred towards her.

Mid October:
This guy was actually her boyfriend and they already announced their engagement. She got him hooked like all of us previously. I was broken and went NC

Mid November 2010:
She contacted me, wanting things from me, but this was actually stuff at my house that belongs to her. I did ignore her and when speaking to her I kept it short and unresponsive. She was very persistent that I bring the stuff to her.

28 November 2010:
She told her Dad she’s pregnant with her rebound boyfriends child. Her sister told me and her Dad confirmed in shock. I was shocked and almost died inside.

29 November 2010:
I thought (Which I regret now) to go to her and confront her with this pregnancy. I set my date and time when I will come around and she was more than happy to accommodate my terms..Strange enough. When I arrived I asked her if she was pregnant, she denied it off cause until I told her that her Dad told me. I could see the shock through her body language. She claimed she never wanted me to find out. I asked her how long have she known, she said 2 weeks (Around the time she broke NC) I told her I never want to see or speak to her again, she must leave me alone, she is a disgrace. Yet, this did not trigger rage. But her last question to me was “Do I think that low of people”, I responded “I only think that low of you”. That’s when she had a massive fit, damage my truck door and ran to her flat screaming hysterically.

1 December 2010:
She announced her marriage to her family.

3 December 2010:
She actually got married in the new in-laws backyard with an internet priest. 

From there I focused on myself. Went on dates, time with my friends, and work around the house, try new things, anything to keep my mind occupied and go to therapy to work on myself. I realised that there must me something wrong for me to surrender to such an individual. I am still a work in progress. I work very hard on myself, trying not to spend energy on thoughts about this sham of a “rebound marriage”. 

19 January 2011:
She email me photos of her son’s 1st school day. I just ignored, feeling she is trying to spite me since I love the boy as my own. This was send shortly after she changed her surname to the new husband and sends it via her work email, which reflects this new name. I thought this was very vindictive and cruel. I continued NC, disappeared from the face of this earth.

I am have close friendship with her sister, she told me things are not very well with my ex wife. Common friend told me it does not look like a happy marriage since they do not act like newlyweds. I do not know why that makes me feel good. However, it cannot be healthy from my side thinking about this crap again.

I read up on rebound relationships, this marriage will not last, I cannot see that it will. I continued NC.

27 March 2011:
Got a text from her stating. “Hi ****, I want to ask if I can please get my grandmothers blankets back. Please” 

1 April 2011:
I only responded them “Hi, you are more than welcome to fetch it; I am unfortunately only available on Wednesday evening”. This was my only response in 4 months and curious to see her response.

15min later she responded:
“If you don’t mind please send it with ‘a friend’. I do not want to upset you or something. If you don’t mind”

Now, am I wrong to assume she is filled with shame here, perhaps being pregnant and all? I know my feelings never mattered to her in the first place, why would it now? 

I think she has Borderline for one, she is a cutter, heavy depressed and anxious, detached, empty, no self esteem, low sense of self and extremely impulsive, my therapist reason perhaps some attachment disorder. The way we went apart to the way she send messages to me is as if she painted me white again.

Do you think I will hear from her again, is this hoovering? Perhaps trying to make me feel sorry for her, seeking validation? I do not want to read in too much but she became very predictable and I can’t help feeling she is not done with me as yet. She is only 25 with such sad history.

Thank you so much for reading this.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You need to walk away from all of it--the sister, the dad, the ex. You have no kids together and she has not made any effort to keep the boy connected to the only dad he had known-you--which is horribly sad, but you probably do not have a shot in he*l since the child is not yours biologically (unfortunately). 

You are hovering, it sounds like, hoping to rush in and rescue her, and have her fall madly in love with you again. She is currently giving a lot of behavioral evidence that she is incapable of loving another person, and that will NOT change unless she takes the time to work on herself--and it would take a couple of years of that. Maybe one day she'll "grow up" and face her demons, but you need to live your life and not wait for something that may never happen. Furthermore--you are attracted to the dysfunctional her, and the dysfunctional her chose you. If she gets her act together, you might not like the "new" her and there is an even higher likelihood the "new" her would not find you attractive. So work on whatever in you lets you be attracted to someone like her--you will change and grow and gain confidence, which is attractive to healthy, confident women. Learn to STOP at the signs of trouble (engaged at 3 months? That's just not healthy behavior). Learn to leave when the flags START showing--early, before you are deep in. That will help you find happiness.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

This isn't a healthy woman...

Whatever the reason that you are analyzing her tells me that you aren't OVER her. 

One of the ways to get OVER her is to disconnect ALL ties and get on with YOUR life.

Change your phone number..Drop off all of her personal belongings at her family/friends house. Be done with it.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

She sounds like the crack queen of the trailer park.


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## jaykay007 (Sep 7, 2010)

Latest news, she now started easing up to my parents. I am schocked!


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You really want her taking advantage of your parents? Please, get a grip. This is not a mentally healthy woman and she demonstrates a mentality that says, "I'll use you if you let me." You need to protect the people you love from her, not rejoice that she's seeking them out--does she need $$? A place to stay? She will act loving while she needs something and then dump you later. Until you recognize this--and figure out why you are susceptible to such women--you'll be a victim and in pain. People will think you are a fool too. Is that the image you want to project?


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## jaykay007 (Sep 7, 2010)

I dont find joy at all... I have told my parents to stop taking to her, to ignore that *****. She is like a bloody worm that will not die no matter how much I attempt to cut her off from all outlets with my family and myself.

I am not dumb, I have strong boundries and it takes a fight to keep my barriers up. This **** just dont want to let go and I wish I knew a way to stop this once and for all. But she does not take a hint, no matter how harsh the words.

She is so low as to use her son as proxy to us. For F**ksakes... I am so upset at this moment I will run her over with a bus without thinking twise.

This use to be a woman I use to love with all my life!


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

OK, sorry. You can keep her away--document her continued contacts and get a restraining order. She obviously does not have any respect for herself, so why should she respect you? But with the R.O., you have a lot more than words on your side.

Stay calm, document, and get the R.O. and things will improve.


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