# Need some serious help/advise. My last resort, you guys.



## *starsinthesky* (Feb 3, 2015)

I honestly dont even know how to start, 
I have been married for almost a year and my husband never wants to have sex. He is always tired or feels sick. He is only 28, really tired? I had a baby 4 months ago and am working full time, I also have a teen son and I am 30 yrs old, so I am as tired as they come. Sex has become a fond memory for me, my husband is just never in the mood. I've gotten used to the fact the he will not give me oral, after I asked for it in every way it can be asked. I've been shy about it, I've been funny, I've been demanding, I've even asked him while crying and nothing will get him to do it (he used to do it before when we first started dating and he'd do it all the time) He cheated on me a few years ago, when we moved in after we agreed on working things out is when he stopped doing oral on me. Its been almost 2 years that it hasn't happened and Im ok with it because at least I was getting sex. Well, sex is no longer there. 

My hubs is great at everything else, he excels in all parts of being a husband but the only thing I really want from him he cant do. His answer is, "relax babe, Im not going any where. we are married forever and we can have sex any time." What about now? Why cant he have sex with me now? This is only making my self esteem get even worse. 
I find my husband irresistible, I watch him when he's doing his own thing, when he's eating and I swear I drool over him.
I dont want sex daily, but we go so long without it, that I myself feel like Im being desperate. I hate this feeling, Im a woman in my 30s, a newlywed if you must and Im already going through this?

At the moment I am giving him the cold shoulder because last night we had a fall out. After I tried to initiate it he's response was "why would you want to ruin the night" talk about an ego burst. I love this man like I have never loved before, I honestly truly believe he is my soul mate and will meet in each and every life and I do not want to cheat on him. God knows I dont. I do not desire other men, I dont please myself because I know I'd feel mediocre afterward, sorta a 'pity please', unenjoyable (I have done it). I dont want to divorce over sex? Is that even an reason for a divorce?
I have come to you guys with hopes that maybe I am doing something wrong and the outsiders see something Im missing. 
I've reached the end of options.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yes, lack of sex is a valid reason for divorce. People divorce because of this all the time.

Look at the way your husband's lack of interest in sex with you is making you feel? It's a form of serious emotional abuse. It's a way for him to have the upper hand, to manipulate you emotionally.

Generally, when a man will not have sex with his wife it's because he is harboring anger and/or resentment. It's a passive aggressive way to punish you for something.

He stopped giving you oral after you caught him cheating and the two of you agreed to work on reconciliation. So it would seem that he was resentful/angry about something and thus withheld oral to punish you.

Now you have had a baby. Many men feel like they are in second place once a baby comes along. My bet is that he feels this way. So he is further passive aggressively punishing you for having a baby and thus depriving him of all of your time.

Here is a book that I think will help you put things in perspective. About 20% of marriages are sexless or near sexless. Sex 10 or fewer times a year are considered sexless. Men will choose to make a marriage sexless as often as women do. Just knowing this I think will help you decide what to do from here.

http://www.amazon.com/Hes-Just-Not-...2488&sr=1-1&keywords=when+men+stop+having+sex

What you will find is that if this continues, his constant rejection of you will hurt you profoundly emotionally. You need to protect yourself from this.

So then the question is what do you do.

After you read the book and get more of a handle on the scope of the issue, I think you need to tell him that either he goes with you to a marriage counselor who is also a sex therapist or you are divorcing him.

Yes, you have to be willing to end the relationship to fix it. As long as he thinks that he's in control and he can use his passive aggressive withholding of sex to hurt/punish you he will keep it up . Well if you divorce him, he loses that power to punish you. So threatening to divorce him takes away the power his punishment tactics have. He's playing a very mean game and you need to be willing to play hard ball with him.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening starsinthesky
I'm sorry to hear you are in this sort of situation.

When did your sex life start to fall apart - was it sudden, or gradual? Were there other related changes in your relationship?

Is he on any medication?

You might take a look at the many LD/HD (low desire, high desire) threads on this board. This is a very common, and very serious problem in lots of relationships.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

*starsinthesky* said:


> I honestly dont even know how to start,
> I have been married for almost a year and my husband never wants to have sex. He is always tired or feels sick. He is only 28, really tired? I had a baby 4 months ago and am working full time, I also have a teen son and I am 30 yrs old, so I am as tired as they come. Sex has become a fond memory for me, my husband is just never in the mood. I've gotten used to the fact the he will not give me oral, after I asked for it in every way it can be asked. I've been shy about it, I've been funny, I've been demanding, I've even asked him while crying and nothing will get him to do it (he used to do it before when we first started dating and he'd do it all the time) He cheated on me a few years ago, when we moved in after we agreed on working things out is when he stopped doing oral on me. Its been almost 2 years that it hasn't happened and Im ok with it because at least I was getting sex. Well, sex is no longer there.
> 
> My hubs is great at everything else, he excels in all parts of being a husband but the only thing I really want from him he cant do. His answer is, "relax babe, Im not going any where. we are married forever and we can have sex any time." What about now? Why cant he have sex with me now? This is only making my self esteem get even worse.
> ...


Total passive aggressive sh!t head. Sweetheart, you made a huge mistake marrying this guy. He is happily fvcking with your head and he LOVES the control he has over you.

Either he stops being a passive aggressive sh!thead or you leave him. There is nothing wrong with you, it is HIM!

Unless of course your personal hygiene is really really bad I can't imagine a health young mad turning away from sex to this degree.

How could you fall in love with a man like this? Girl, your man picker is totally broken!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I am going to have to start studying men who don't bring it with their wives. Gotta admit it seems alien to me but it is happening too often to ignore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Have you tried counseling? I am tempted to cry foul on your H but maybe he is screwed up emotionally?

Could he still be cheating? If he is trying to R with you, he should be licking your feet, and the rest of you daily.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *starsinthesky* (Feb 3, 2015)

I have thought about counseling but for whatever reason or other I dismiss it. First, I thought it was just me, then maybe It was my pregnancy, then I thought it was my physical appearance that turned him away, but its too much now. With work, home, kids and trying to maintain myself I have no time for counseling. But I should look into it. For the health of my marriage.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

For the sake of your health too. Whatever this is, it is not your fault. Your H cheated on you and later stops sex. He has some serious issues. Counseling might pull his crap out for examination.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You honestly sound like a catch and I know you love this guy but do you think this is the best you can do? The best mate you can attract?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *starsinthesky* (Feb 3, 2015)

Thank you, Im sure there's better out there in one way or the other. But my heart only sees him. We've gone through so much together, the thought of not being with him saddens me.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening starsinthesky
I didn't pay enough attention to this part. You caught him cheating and he stopped doing oral on you??? Does he give any explanation? Is he angry at you because you were (quite reasonably) angry at him for cheating? 

Did you find out WHY he cheated - usually there is some reason. Not a justification but a reason - people mostly cheat because there is something that they want.



*starsinthesky* said:


> snip
> He cheated on me a few years ago, when we moved in after we agreed on working things out is when he stopped doing oral on me. Its been almost 2 years that it hasn't happened and Im ok with it because at least I was getting sex. Well, sex is no longer there.
> 
> .


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I understand. Heart and mind are often strangers but cheating and no sex are both abuse. You are probably going to have to use your head instead of your heart here.

Why didn't he.leave when he cheated?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

BTW, it sounds like the affair was rug swept.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Sorry you are going through this. Are you sure he is nit cheating again?

The lack of sex in a marriage is definately grounds for divorce if the issue cannot be addressed.

At this young age if sex is lacking it will only get worse as you both get older.

What you have to ask yourself is 

1) Is he cheating again
2) Am i prepared to possibly live another 40 - 50 years sexless.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*starsinthesky* said:


> Thank you, Im sure there's better out there in one way or the other. But my heart only sees him. We've gone through so much together, the thought of not being with him saddens me.


I would think that the thought of you staying with him would sadden you. Exactly what benefits are you getting from this marriage?


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

The husband here is playing a passive aggressive game. I have became uninterested in my wife but that it is due to her being asexual. If he cheated on you and now has no interest, it would seem that he was never as attracted as he could be


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Was he tested for STD's after he cheated? Because the first thing that came to my mind was he's thinking "Crap. I have herpes. Better not go down on my wife and give it to her."


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

Interestingly, I notice a lot of the women are blaming it on him being passive/agressive, but most of the men are looking for other reasons, such as medication, STD, etc.

I posted a thread earlier about my sex drive suddenly dropping off a cliff - it certainly wasn't anything I did on purpose to somehow punish my wife. If it continues for a year, can you really blame it on resentment?

<rant over>

I would first suggest you two go to marriage counseling - if you both want to save your marriage, then you will likely succeed if the necessary steps are taken.

Secondly, I agree with Chris Taylor in saying that you both should get tested (if you haven't already).

Lastly, ironically, I tend to agree in this instance with most of the women - the fact that he cheated and when confronted he immediately stopped giving you oral is the first sign. You didn't leave him. Now he seems like he doesn't want sex at all. Maybe he wants you to leave - some guys think that if the woman leaves the man then they don't have to pay child support or alimony or whatever. Could he be trying to push you away?

Unfortunately, if this is the case, he's either still cheating or wants to. First you have to find out why he cheated, then find out if he's still doing it. A good counselor will encourage the truth to the surface.


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## seattle_stranger (Nov 4, 2014)

First thing I thought, he might still be cheating. It sounds like he's very aware that he's got you wrapped around his finger, which would be fine if he didn't exploit it. You sound infatuated with this man which in this case is very unhealthy. It is perfectly acceptable and OK to be completely head-over-heels for your significant other to the point where you can see no wrong-doing, but only if it's mutual, and in your case, it isn't.

Something that wasn't clear from your post, is your newest child with him? If not, he may have a feeling of detachment, he probably already does due to your teen son. You said you had a baby four months ago and have been married for less than a year, which leads me to believe you may have gotten pregnant before you got married. Did he marry you just because of that, perhaps, and now he resents you for it?

As many others above have said, you're going to have to find out WHY he cheated. Don't accept "wrong place wrong time" as an answer, because trust me, we've ALL been in the wrong place at the wrong time and have had situations arise where you think to yourself "If I wanted, I actually could do this, and probably would get away with it too" and have a decision to make. I could never live with myself if I made that mistake, even if she was clueless. Perhaps, though I doubt it, maybe he feels ashamed? Men deal with insecurity in weird ways.

I'm so sorry you're being faced with this. You will get it figured out!!


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## seattle_stranger (Nov 4, 2014)

Man, I just can't understand this and how it's so rampant. I've been with my lady for 8+ years now and I grow more and more and more sexually attracted to her as time goes on, even after she has gained considerable weight. I hear about all these women in the best shape of their lives, drop dead gorgeous, the most giving, nurturing, loving, faithful wives doing every last thing they can think of for their man, having men THROWING themselves at her all day in the street, at work, at the store, out with her friends, only to be sexually shunned by the one man she chose to give herself to. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't say I am HD neither is she, both of us have plenty of times where we turn down the other due to whatever it is, and I simply couldn't fathom a reason to do this for months, years at a time. Blows my freaking mind...

FitnessFan, if that picture is of you, I think your husband might actually be homosexual if he could say no to that for 9 months straight!! I mean that as playfully as possible.  But really, that's a beautiful face you have there, super calming.


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