# Jealous for the first time



## Insecure

This is a post about my wifes personal trainer who is a male. I know this topic has been discussed multiple times on this forum so I apologize for repeating. I'm just really insecure for the first time and our 10 year marriage and wanted to vent a little. 

At first I didn't have a problem with the relationship. She met the guy through a female friend who used him as well so it seemed legit. She is really into exercise which I think is great because she wasn't for most of her life (she is 35, I am 40) and this trainer seems to be well respected and really motivational for her. They work out in my home gym and 90% of time I am home at the time since I work from home. They are in the basement so it's pretty private but I can hear laughter and music and plates clanking.

About a year ago, not long after it started, I heard her tell a friend that she thinks he is "gorgeous" and that immediately made me feel insecure because I definitely don't consider myself gorgeous, though I'm in ok shape from 20 years of martial acts. I tried to keep that feeling to myself because it felt immature to me but it apparently became obvious through my behavior that I had an issue. It kind of blew up into a big issue for us and we talked it out. She said she didn't feel a need to stop using him. She said I never expressed emotions before and now that I am finally expressing some she shouldn't have to respond to them by stopping something she loves to do. I agreed with her and their workouts continued.

Her relationship with him grew to the point that they were discussing his own failing relationship and they were discussing his sexual interest in the other women who introduced him to my wife (who is in a failing marriage). I know this because she told me. At some point, he became busy with school or something and had to drop most of his clients but he kept my wife and this other women. 

All this time I pretty much kept my distance from him and let her have her space. I've met him and shook his hand but that was about it. 

Recently he graduated from school and my wife wanted to take him out to celebrate. It was supposed to be a big affair with a lot of his friends so they were going to head into the city to make it special. I am not big on the city but I asked if I could go since I was not invited and that seemed strange. I was told I could not go because I am not friends with him. It turned out that it was just the trainer, my wife, the other woman, and a young single attractive girl who was apparently a former client. They took the train into the city and they all got drunk to the point that they don't really remember what happened. The last train home ran at around midnight and everyone but my wife wanted to stay in the city and keep partying and get a hotel. My wife insisted they come home and they did but it wasn't without a big fight that really upset my wife. At some point, one of them suggested they she lie to me and tell me they missed the train and had no choice but to stay. Again, I know this because she told me which I respect. I think she is honest and open with me though she does seem secretive about her phone text messages and facebook private messages. I assume that's because she is discussing the ups and downs of our relationship with her friends so I don't make an issue of it.

I was really disturbed that it was just him and these women and that they almost spent the night together in a hotel while they were really drunk. I was also angry that they almost made her take the train home my herself which I don't consider safe in the city. Ultimately, since they came home I guess it worked out OK but I feel like maybe this was their (the woman or the trainers) plan from the beginning. My wife says I'm crazy to think that and they didn't plan it and I guess I tend to agree that I may be being crazy. A few days after this the trainer said to my wife that they need to do it again. My wife told him she was forbidden to do it again. I had never forbidden her from doing it but just expressed to her how upsetting it was to me. 

So then this past weekend we go to a party at the other womans house and the trainer was of course there. My wife made me promise not to discuss the city incident with any of them as it would make her uncomfortable. At the party, he was drunk as was I. We were being cordial with one another and it was cool. he seemed like a good guy. At some point in the evening he asked me "Don't you trust your wife?". I was too drunk to remember what prompted it but it seemed like a really personal question from someone who I had essentially just met and only had idle chit chat with. I told him "I trust her. I don't trust you". He said something else and I walked away. I didn't think much of it at the time but I told my wife right away in case it got back to her. I thought she would laugh it off since technically I didn't violate the promise. She blew up. She told everyone she was leaving because she was mad at me (people I don't know which was pretty awkward) and she drove home drunk. I sat there a bit and then felt bad and apologized to the trainer though I don't remember what I said other than saying I felt uncomfortable with their relationship and that it wasn't their fault but mine. 

My wife and I of course had it out over the last few days. I was pissed that she drove home drunk. I was also pissed at her reaction. It wasn't worth getting that angry over. It seemed like I was getting to close to something. Like maybe it wasn't all in my head. She said she didn't understand my problem with this guy and for the first time I did some introspection and realized why it makes me uncomfortable and explained it to her. I poured my heart out which is something I almost never do. She seemed cold and distant. She didn't come out and say she doesn't love me but when I insinuated it she didn't deny it. I said I thought she viewed me as someone who brings home a paycheck and is a father figure to our 8 year old daughter and that's it and she kind of agreed. 

That was the first time I heard her basically come out and acknowledge that she didn't have feelings for me anymore and it really hurt. i pondered it for a while and said that since we generally have a happy home with no conflict, for the sake of our daughter we should stay together but once our daughter is grown, if she still doesn't love me, then we should divorce. she didn't like that idea and decided to tell me she loves and respects me. It made me feel better but I am still unsure if she just said it because of the possibility of divorce. She still seems kind of distant.

I feel jealous and insecure now which is eating me up since for most of my life I haven't been big on feeling any emotions other than love for my wife (which I admit I suck at showing) and daughter (which I show easily since she is my life).

So this was mostly just a post to vent. It was probably too long for anyone to actually read but I feel someone better having written this down. If anyone has read to this point, can you tell me if you think my feelings about this trainer are legitimate? Do I have a right to be concerned about her relationship with him?

Thanks.


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## sculley

Honestly yes I believe you had a right to feel that way, she should respect your wishes and it wasn't like you brought up the situation with your wife to the gym guy.And not to mention she doesn't have to quit working out, just the trainer possibly. To me when a woman doesn't want to give up a person it means something..He shouldn't have asked the question if he didn't want an answer. You didn't violate anything with your wife that night at least not by what your telling me. I will tell you though I am not an advocate for staying together for a child because if ya'll have a loveless marriage your daughter learns marriage and relationship from you two. I speak from experience on the child aspect because I was one and in a failed marriage before my current one. I will never again stay married just for the kids. And maybe I am reaching a bit but it seems to me she only told you she cared to appease you and not loose her meal ticket..I know that seems so harsh but by how your saying it (there could be more that I don't know) it appears to be  Considering your not a jealous person and this is eating at you, there has to be a reason your feeling this way. If he will talk about another married woman in such a sexual manner and violate that respect what makes you think he wont move on to your wife? 
JMPO


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## Conrad

You couldn't be doing a better job of driving her straight into his arms.


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## Insecure

Thank for your response. I've read that children are better off having two parents if there is little conflict in the house which is why I proposed that. I think my wife feels the same way. Plus I love her so it's hard for me to want to end it. I do appreciate your honesty. thanks again.


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## Insecure

Conrad, I can see why you would say I am pushing her into his arms. Can you suggest a better course of action for me? I try to be honest and fair with everyone as a general rule and I feel like that is all that I am doing. I think I have aspergers so I don't read people and their emotions very well so I could be really screwing things up by following my instincts.


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## Conrad

Insecure said:


> Conrad, I can see why you would say I am pushing her into his arms. Can you suggest a better course of action for me? I try to be honest and fair with everyone as a general rule and I feel like that is all that I am doing. I think I have aspergers so I don't read people and their emotions very well so I could be really screwing things up by following my instincts.


The positive aspect to this is you both are still talking.

The negatives are her vigorous defensiveness when you confronted this guy. His comment about "not trusting your wife" was totally wrongheaded.

Also, the idea you were not welcome to go to the City with them was simply bad stuff.

You simply need to stand up and tell her that you are "not ok with their relationship" - and do it calmly

She's already crossed several boundary lines and is partially in the affair fog.


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## keeper63

Here is what I would do:

1.) Convince your wife to join you in marriage counseling.

2.) Insist that she find another personal trainer, and offer to help her find a new one.

3.) If she refuses either of the above (especially #2), tell her you are making an appointment with a lawyer to discuss your options.

She insists on seeing this guy even though you have made it clear that you are not comfortable with him. Between that and her telling you that she is no longer attracted to you, she clearly has lost respect for you. Without respect, there can't be much basis for a marriage/sustainable relationship.


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## Toffer

OK, I haven't even finished reading the entire post and all I can see are flashing lights and HUGE Red Flags here.

Here's the warning signs and flags:

1- She said she didn't feel a need to stop using him (this after you expressed concern. Very disrespectful to YOU and the marriage)

2 - they were discussing his own failing relationship and they were discussing his sexual interest in the other women. OK, now they are getting WAY too personal and having discussions only married couples should. I'm willing to bet that your wife also discussed your relationship with her. A huge red flag!

3 - "I was told I could not go because I am not friends with him. It turned out that it was just the trainer, my wife, the other woman, and a young single attractive girl who was apparently a former client" - DING! DING! DING! - Major alarm bells going off here! If it was your wife who told you it was going to be a big group, she LIED to you!

4 - "they all got drunk to the point that they don't really remember what happened" - Get out the Bullsh1t stamp for this one. They ALL know what happened. Actually, some scenes from porn movies are running through my mind right now! If they were this fvcked up, how did they manage to negotiate the trip on the train home and how did they get from the home train station back to their homes???

5 - "she does seem secretive about her phone text messages and facebook private messages" - RED FLAG

6 - "She blew up. She told everyone she was leaving because she was mad at me (people I don't know which was pretty awkward) and she drove home drunk." - Uh Oh! Red Flag!

7 - "She said she didn't understand my problem with this guy" - Are you kidding me???? 

8 - "She didn't come out and say she doesn't love me but when I insinuated it she didn't deny it. I said I thought she viewed me as someone who brings home a paycheck and is a father figure to our 8 year old daughter and that's it and she kind of agreed" - Time Out! You have said you've read abouth this thing here (women's relationships with their trainers) and you don't regognize this as ILYBNILWY?

Summary:

If your wife isn't already banging this guy, she is at least in and Emotional Affair with him!

While some will point to the issue where she was the one who insisted they all get on the train that night, I think she did that so none of the other women would have a turn with him that night or she didn't want to share him in a four way that night!

First and foremost, this should be in the Coping With Infidelity Forum. They'll adise you to do the following:

Investigate - get a keylogger on the PC ASAP/ Buy a voice activated recorder or two (and place one in the home gym and the other under the front seat of her car with heavy duty velcro)/ Get her cell phone records and look at the number/times/dates of texts and calls to her trainer

If your post is legit, you've got a SERIOUS problem. Do not have sex with your wife until you sort this out and in the meantime, get an STD test

She's staying with you for your money!


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## eowyn

Insecure said:


> If anyone has read to this point, can you tell me if you think my feelings about this trainer are legitimate? Do I have a right to be concerned about her relationship with him?
> Thanks.


You have more than enough reason to worry about the trainer. Moreover the fact that she discusses your marriage with trainer and other women is detrimental and disrespectful. I would get severely upset if my H was to discuss our marriage with any of his friends etc. and the other way as well. If she needs to talk to someone about your marriage, tell her that is what MC is for. It would be a good idea to sign up for that.

Also, you need to put your foot down and enforce some boundaries. She is probably taking you for granted. You seem to be a nice guy and that can be injurious to marriage at times. I believe there are some books that might help you. People on this forum wld recommend... I think its "No more Mr Nice Guy", and another one, "Married Man Sex Life"??

In any case, Trainer is bad news for your marriage - with or without an EA/PA. And yes, there are several red flags, so a good idea to not entirely trust your W right now. Keylogger, GPS etc. would be something you might need to order, and do get some advice from the 'Coping with Infidelity' section. I have read lot of EA/PA posts since I joined the forum, and this one seems to have those signs as well.


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## Insecure

Thank you! 
I added some comments to your post where I think I may have misled you. I don't feel like she is emotionally cheating on me at this point. We haven't really had a healthy relationship and I sometimes am so busy with work that I disregard her emotional needs. She therefore gets emotional support from her friends when that happens. It scares me now that it is coming from a guy but I don't think I consider it cheating.



Toffer said:


> OK, I haven't even finished reading the entire post and all I can see are flashing lights and HUGE Red Flags here.
> 
> Here's the warning signs and flags:
> 
> 1- She said she didn't feel a need to stop using him (this after you expressed concern. Very disrespectful to YOU and the marriage)
> 
> 2 - they were discussing his own failing relationship and they were discussing his sexual interest in the other women. OK, now they are getting WAY too personal and having discussions only married couples should. I'm willing to bet that your wife also discussed your relationship with her. A huge red flag!
> 
> 3 - "I was told I could not go because I am not friends with him. It turned out that it was just the trainer, my wife, the other woman, and a young single attractive girl who was apparently a former client" - DING! DING! DING! - Major alarm bells going off here! If it was your wife who told you it was going to be a big group, she LIED to you!
> 
> *I think my wife really thought it was going to be a big group. She didn't plan the outing. The other woman did. And they did briefly meet up with a guy at one of the bars they were at.*
> 
> 4 - "they all got drunk to the point that they don't really remember what happened" - Get out the Bullsh1t stamp for this one. They ALL know what happened. Actually, some scenes from porn movies are running through my mind right now! If they were this fvcked up, how did they manage to negotiate the trip on the train home and how did they get from the home train station back to their homes???
> 
> *I tend to believe that they dont remember much. They were out for a long time and I think the drinking slowed towards the end of the night. as far as how they got home, it was more drunk driving unfortunately which is another issue altogether*
> 
> 5 - "she does seem secretive about her phone text messages and facebook private messages" - RED FLAG
> *this may be my imagination. she just always keeps her phone nearby and logs out of facebook immediately after using it but she has given me her facebook password before so she cant be too worried*
> 
> 
> 6 - "She blew up. She told everyone she was leaving because she was mad at me (people I don't know which was pretty awkward) and she drove home drunk." - Uh Oh! Red Flag!
> 
> 7 - "She said she didn't understand my problem with this guy" - Are you kidding me????
> 
> 8 - "She didn't come out and say she doesn't love me but when I insinuated it she didn't deny it. I said I thought she viewed me as someone who brings home a paycheck and is a father figure to our 8 year old daughter and that's it and she kind of agreed" - Time Out! You have said you've read abouth this thing here (women's relationships with their trainers) and you don't regognize this as ILYBNILWY?
> 
> Summary:
> 
> If your wife isn't already banging this guy, she is at least in and Emotional Affair with him!
> 
> While some will point to the issue where she was the one who insisted they all get on the train that night, I think she did that so none of the other women would have a turn with him that night or she didn't want to share him in a four way that night!
> 
> First and foremost, this should be in the Coping With Infidelity Forum. They'll adise you to do the following:
> 
> Investigate - get a keylogger on the PC ASAP/ Buy a voice activated recorder or two (and place one in the home gym and the other under the front seat of her car with heavy duty velcro)/ Get her cell phone records and look at the number/times/dates of texts and calls to her trainer
> 
> If your post is legit, you've got a SERIOUS problem. Do not have sex with your wife until you sort this out and in the meantime, get an STD test
> 
> She's staying with you for your money!


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## Toffer

Insecure,

For the love of God man, go to the infidelity forum and read up fast and furious!

Googlr "habits of a cheating spouse" or "traits of a cheating spouse" and see what pops up. Almost all the things your wife is doing NOW.

Don't make the mistake others have and stick you head in the sand.

Get the things I mentione (VAR, Keylogger) and start to investigate QUIETLY. It would be better to put this to rest one way or the other.

I agree that it could all be coincidential but there are enough flags here for a General Assebly Meeting of the UN (and i know, I work in NYC!)

Again, I was troubled by these in your response:

4 - "they all got drunk to the point that they don't really remember what happened" - Get out the Bullsh1t stamp for this one. They ALL know what happened. Actually, some scenes from porn movies are running through my mind right now! If they were this fvcked up, how did they manage to negotiate the trip on the train home and how did they get from the home train station back to their homes???

I tend to believe that they dont remember much. They were out for a long time and I think the drinking slowed towards the end of the night. as far as how they got home, it was more drunk driving unfortunately which is another issue altogether

Sorry, not buying it. Someone is not telling the truth here. Your wife may just be keeping it from you but it's still a lie.

5 - "she does seem secretive about her phone text messages and facebook private messages" - RED FLAG
this may be my imagination. she just always keeps her phone nearby and logs out of facebook immediately after using it but she has given me her facebook password before so she cant be too worried

Cheaters will often delete messages right after they are sent and recieved on facebook and they've been known to set up secondary facebook and email accounts

Sorry but I think you still need to be REAL concerned. Trust but verify!


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## Entropy3000

When I read the original post it amazed me that despite seeing red flag after read flag you did nothing but exacerbate the problems. Also you have every reason to feel jealous and insecure. You failed to dominate however. Big mistake.

We can play games with the word controlling and say that we cannot control people. Let me rephrase this them. You failed to be dominant in a situation that required you to be from the start.

Toffer did a great job so I am going leverage his points and your justifications for your wife.



> Originally Posted by Toffer View Post
> OK, I haven't even finished reading the entire post and all I can see are flashing lights and HUGE Red Flags here.
> 
> Here's the warning signs and flags:
> 
> 1- She said she didn't feel a need to stop using him (this after you expressed concern. Very disrespectful to YOU and the marriage)
> 
> This is where you should have made your stand. In fact if I was your friend I would have told you no male personal trainers no matter how good he was.
> 
> This was just asking for trouble. This sounds like her friend may have had him as a boy toy and was sharing with your wife. UYes there are some women who have been know to share a gigilo with a close friend. Maybe just another way to invite the trainer into her own life more. A toxic friend as we can see later. Maybe she was all about having some group sex with the trainer and your wife.
> 
> So you should have said that he need to go. That this was unacceptable. Again though you should not have been ok with this. That was naive as best. Your wife should have know better as well.
> 
> I suppose the fact that your were home helped some. This would have been completely insane if they ever were there alone. Did that ever happen?
> 
> 2 - they were discussing his own failing relationship and they were discussing his sexual interest in the other women. OK, now they are getting WAY too personal and having discussions only married couples should. I'm willing to bet that your wife also discussed your relationship with her. A huge red flag!
> 
> OMG!!!! So the bonding between a PT and a client is a close one and can be dangerous on its own. But this was your wife being initimate with him. He is not so innocent. This is his business. I suggest that this is part of keeping his clients but for many of these guys the sex is a big reason for this job. At least one of the perks.
> 
> So again you should have put a stop to this right here. Realize this young guy is attractive to your wife not just because he is "gorgeous", but he is also a young man who takes what he wants. he shows no approach anxiety from you. There ios little doubt that they have secrets and there were things that happened in your basement you would not like. She may have also been meeting up with him elsewhere and having other contact. So you not being able to assert yourself here was very unattractive and basically showed you were willing to be dominated by a man in your own home.
> 
> 3 - "I was told I could not go because I am not friends with him. It turned out that it was just the trainer, my wife, the other woman, and a young single attractive girl who was apparently a former client" - DING! DING! DING! - Major alarm bells going off here! If it was your wife who told you it was going to be a big group, she LIED to you!
> 
> NFW. He is her PT. This is a whole other level here. You should have been invited. If it was a big group the women would have brought their spouses too. This was a night that had been planned to have some group sex with this guy.
> How many of them knew this who knows.
> 
> So one other take aways is that "you were told". She called the shots and disrespected you. She should never have gone. UFB.
> 
> Also realize she relays this information to her OM and that is what hios comments were about. he knows he dominates you and he feels he has power over your wife. Which he does because you allow it.
> 
> I think my wife really thought it was going to be a big group. She didn't plan the outing. The other woman did. And they did briefly meet up with a guy at one of the bars they were at.
> 
> WTF? Stop it. This is just denial. Your wife has dubious boundaries my friend, but it is your boundaries that disturb me the most. This trip should never have happened or at the least you should have gone too. Of course he should have been history and NC for sure by this point.
> 
> 4 - "they all got drunk to the point that they don't really remember what happened" - Get out the Bullsh1t stamp for this one. They ALL know what happened. Actually, some scenes from porn movies are running through my mind right now! If they were this fvcked up, how did they manage to negotiate the trip on the train home and how did they get from the home train station back to their homes???
> 
> So your wife went to the city with the guy with two other women and decided it was ok to get drunk. No one remembers anything. What that means is that there are secrets and that she cheated on you to some degree. She was for sure majorly unfaithful to you. But she has been for some time.
> 
> I tend to believe that they dont remember much. They were out for a long time and I think the drinking slowed towards the end of the night. as far as how they got home, it was more drunk driving unfortunately which is another issue altogether
> 
> Why were they out for a long time? You know why. They got a hotel. There was sex. There is a good chance that her coming home when she did was less about her vows and more about her jealousy of the other women with this guy.
> 
> For sure your wife is lying to you.
> 
> 5 - "she does seem secretive about her phone text messages and facebook private messages" - RED FLAG
> this may be my imagination. she just always keeps her phone nearby and logs out of facebook immediately after using it but she has given me her facebook password before so she cant be too worried
> 
> Unfaithful
> 
> 
> 6 - "She blew up. She told everyone she was leaving because she was mad at me (people I don't know which was pretty awkward) and she drove home drunk." - Uh Oh! Red Flag!
> 
> She chose him over you. She made a scene for his benefit. Also to humilate you infront of him. I would not have been in that situation but if that boy said something me like that he would be out of commision for a while.  But I would not have let it get this far. He was telling you about your wife. He was rubbing it in your nose.
> 
> Your wife also knew this PT was going to say more stuff about their relationship. Sghe had to leave and take you with her and blame it on you.
> 
> 7 - "She said she didn't understand my problem with this guy" - Are you kidding me????
> 
> GTFO. Total BS. She mocks you. She wants her boy toy and your financial support.
> 
> 8 - "She didn't come out and say she doesn't love me but when I insinuated it she didn't deny it. I said I thought she viewed me as someone who brings home a paycheck and is a father figure to our 8 year old daughter and that's it and she kind of agreed" - Time Out! You have said you've read abouth this thing here (women's relationships with their trainers) and you don't regognize this as ILYBNILWY?
> 
> Yup
> 
> Summary:
> 
> If your wife isn't already banging this guy, she is at least in and Emotional Affair with him!
> 
> Yes. But it is highly likely she had sex with him.
> 
> While some will point to the issue where she was the one who insisted they all get on the train that night, I think she did that so none of the other women would have a turn with him that night or she didn't want to share him in a four way that night!
> 
> This^ I do think there was a good chance they did go to a hotel but she wanted to leave when he turned his attentions to the others. Anyway, whether this happened or not your wife is in this slurry of sex with her OM.
> 
> First and foremost, this should be in the Coping With Infidelity Forum.
> 
> Yes, this needs to move there.
> 
> They'll adise you to do the following:
> 
> Investigate - get a keylogger on the PC ASAP/ Buy a voice activated recorder or two (and place one in the home gym and the other under the front seat of her car with heavy duty velcro)/ Get her cell phone records and look at the number/times/dates of texts and calls to her trainer
> 
> If your post is legit, you've got a SERIOUS problem. Do not have sex with your wife until you sort this out and in the meantime, get an STD test
> 
> She's staying with you for your money


!

Do the monitoring but I would end this right now. This may push her underground but I think she already is. Stop paying this guy to bang your wife.

There is so much denial and bad decisions here that it is hard to believe this situation is real and not contrived. That said, if any part of this is real, you need to take action right now. Also get a lawyer.


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## Maricha75

Insecure said:


> Thank you!
> I added some comments to your post where I think I may have misled you. I don't feel like she is emotionally cheating on me at this point. We haven't really had a healthy relationship and I sometimes am so busy with work that I disregard her emotional needs. She therefore gets emotional support from her friends when that happens. It scares me now that it is coming from a guy but I don't think I consider it cheating.


OMFG! Dude, seriously, at the VERY least, it IS an emotional affair. Her emotional needs should be met by YOU, NOT some other man! I get talking to female friends. Unfortunately, these female friends she has now... now. These women are encouraging her to get involved with this other guy, instead of working things out with you, HER HUSBAND! And, as Toffer and Entropy have both said... I'd bet it has likely become EA/PA... not just EA. For the love of God, man, get your head out of the sand! She is cheating, whether EA or PA, I don't know for certain, but likely both. Now, the question is... What are you going to DO about it??


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## Shaggy

A wife should never ever tell her husband that he is not allowed to go with her when she is headed out on the town and other men are involved. Never.

Who cares if your not his friend. She is your wife. So that was BS. And the defense that she thought there would be mre people there further erodes her argument since more people would have meant it would be easier to include you.

Truth: she wanted to be drinking with him and not having you c-blocking her.

Your wife also got angry at you for being mean to the OM, not angry at him for what he said to you. Notice as well that she has been openly talking to him about your concerns with him. Both are a betrayal of you.

Time to stop backing down and letting her have her bit on the side. It's certainly an EA, but it likely has gone partly PA with touching, hands, kissing during the night out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

Get a VAR into her car ASAP and down where they work out. You might even want a camera down there to watch what they are doing.

You also need to read those messages.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thunderstruck

Insecure said:


> That was the first time I heard her basically come out and acknowledge that she didn't have feelings for me anymore and it really hurt.


Why bother with all of this spy stuff? Between her words above, and her obvious cheating, I'd tell her to go eff herself, and then call a lawyer. If she wants the marriage, you'll know it...right away.


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## eowyn

Insecure said:


> So then this past weekend we go to a party at the other womans house and the trainer was of course there. My wife made me promise not to discuss the city incident with any of them as it would make her uncomfortable. At the party, he was drunk as was I. We were being cordial with one another and it was cool. he seemed like a good guy. *At some point in the evening he asked me "Don't you trust your wife?". *I was too drunk to remember what prompted it but it seemed like a really personal question from someone who I had essentially just met and only had idle chit chat with. *I told him "I trust her. I don't trust you". He said something else and I walked away. *I didn't think much of it at the time but I told my wife right away in case it got back to her. I thought she would laugh it off since technically I didn't violate the promise. *She blew up. She told everyone she was leaving because she was mad at me* (people I don't know which was pretty awkward) and she drove home drunk. I sat there a bit and then *felt bad and apologized to the trainer though I don't remember what I said other than saying I felt uncomfortable with their relationship and that it wasn't their fault but mine. *
> Thanks.


OP, Pay special attention to this episode and the part in red.

1. Basically you kept your part of the promise inspite of the drunk b'day party and other things that happened.
2. Trainer provoked you by asking "Don't you trust your wife" [None of his business] 
3. He asked you that since your W has been talking to this guy about your marriage - which is wrong!! :nono:
4. Even then you keep cool and instead of giving him a piece of your mind, you say something benign like "I trust her, I dont trust you" Well... OK
5. Now instead of you getting angry over the trainer's provocation, your wife gets angry with you & creates a scene!! 
6. And you feel bad and end up apologizing to the trainer!!!! and moreover telling him that the fault is YOURS. Really??????? :banghead:

Don't you think there is something terribly wrong here!!!???? Your *wife was wrong* for discussing your marriage with someone who is not concerned and is probably paid out of your salary. She is also wrong for continuing to be in contact with him in spite of your discomfort. The *trainer is wrong* for entertaining such a conversation, crossing boundaries set by his job duties (is he a trainer or an MC or both??). He is also wrong for trying to provoke you at the party, and asking you stuff as if he is some kind of an authority. Again your *wife is wrong* since she choose to get angry at YOU instead of HIM. And *you apologize* for this.


----------



## Insecure

Hi again...
I can assure you this is a very real situation. Like I said I think I have aspergers so I may not pick up on red flags and stuff the way other people do. 

Also, this guy is almost my age. And even though he is a trainer and bigger than me, I could easily kick his ass given my martial arts experience. I regularly train with many MMA fighters. He was actually trying to get me to wrestle with another fighter at the party but both the fighter and I agreed that would be a bad idea. I was wondering if the trainer was sizing me up or just thought it was be fun to watch us roll.

I had originally posted this hoping that I'd receive some encouraging words that I was right to be concerned but that most likely nothing was happening. I feel really terrible now after reading these comments. I appreciate all of them.


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## Entropy3000

Insecure said:


> Hi again...
> I can assure you this is a very real situation. Like I said I think I have aspergers so I may not pick up on red flags and stuff the way other people do.
> 
> Also, this guy is almost my age. And even though he is a trainer and bigger than me, I could easily kick his ass given my martial arts experience. I regularly train with many MMA fighters. He was actually trying to get me to wrestle with another fighter at the party but both the fighter and I agreed that would be a bad idea. I was wondering if the trainer was sizing me up or just thought it was be fun to watch us roll.
> 
> I had originally posted this hoping that I'd receive some encouraging words that I was right to be concerned but that most likely nothing was happening. I feel really terrible now after reading these comments. I appreciate all of them.


He is mocking you. He likes pushing your buttons. He is enjoying dominating you by having your wife right in front of you.

Never apologize to the guy that is after your wife. You essentailly are being submissive to him. This encourages him and your wife further.

Why do you play these games?
She IS cheating on you.

Stop the fear. Act.


----------



## Halien

Insecure said:


> Hi again...
> I can assure you this is a very real situation. Like I said I think I have aspergers so I may not pick up on red flags and stuff the way other people do.
> 
> Also, this guy is almost my age. And even though he is a trainer and bigger than me, I could easily kick his ass given my martial arts experience. I regularly train with many MMA fighters. He was actually trying to get me to wrestle with another fighter at the party but both the fighter and I agreed that would be a bad idea. I was wondering if the trainer was sizing me up or just thought it was be fun to watch us roll.
> 
> I had originally posted this hoping that I'd receive some encouraging words that I was right to be concerned but that most likely nothing was happening. I feel really terrible now after reading these comments. I appreciate all of them.


Well, let's talk about what you did get out of these posts: You got affirmation from others that you have every right to be concerned. As a "man who brings home income", and a married man, you also have a right to tell her that you can no longer tolerate a marriage with this trainer in the picture, and reinforce your boundaries. It seems obvious that you know what fair, mutually supportive boundaries are. And from a position of most power, you know that it is better to resolve her willingness to stay married, in a healthy marriage, now rather than later, when the children are grown and she will just pull out the divorce card.

That's just my opinion, but I think you can use this input from others as validation that it is right to fight for your marriage, and force her to make a decision ASAP.


----------



## thunderstruck

Insecure said:


> He was actually trying to get me to wrestle with another fighter at the party but both the fighter and I agreed that would be a bad idea. I was wondering if the trainer was sizing me up or just thought it was be fun to watch us roll.


Good move by you. He probably figured win-or-lose, you'd look foolish rolling on the floor at a party. Too bad you didn't instead offer to roll with trainer guy. Between this, and his "don't you trust your wife" comment...sounds like this guy is effing with you.

Sorry, man, this is a tough situation to be in.


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## Caribbean Man

I have invested tens of thousands of dollars in my own personal gym.
My wife used to workout before I met her. 
So I did it with her in mind. 
I love to workout ,she loves to workout. Sometimes she spots for me,and most importantly,
I TRAIN HER.
No man can come into my house and be in ANY ROOM with my wife without me being there. Full stop.
There are lots of sexy female trainers, maybe you should get one too and lets see how she feels about that?
Jus sayin.


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## Shaggy

Yeah the more I think about it, the guy is seeking to push you and show his dominance over you. 

No doubt your wife has been submissively throwing herself at him, begging his forgiveness for not staying in the city, for telling you too much, for you being mad at her etc. 

So at the party he decided to peacocq a bit. He was trying to show her he was dominant over you and could goad you.

Things you dud good: you let he leave and didn't run after her.
Things you did horribly: apologizing to the OM and her. Out of three , you are the only one who did nothing wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer

So, Insecure what's it going to be? Act or continue to put your tail between your legs?

You need to tell this POS that if he sets foot in your house again, you will considerit breaking and entering and you WILL kick his azz and have him arrested! Send him a letter canceling his "services" to your wife first so there's proof (Certified would be a good idea)

Then tell your wife you fired his azz! See what type of a reaction this elicits from her. Also be sure to have all your monitoring set up before this (you should have all of this stuff purchased by 9 PM tonight!) 

Does your wife work?


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## Shaggy

Best buy cells VARs , Olympus is popular. By a couple so you can have them deployed while listening to ones you have retrieved. Velcro is a good way to secure them in cars.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## thunderstruck

Caribbean Man said:


> No man can come into my house and be in ANY ROOM with my wife without me being there. Full stop.


Agree. Along these lines, I was getting a (legit) massage at a place a few months ago. At some point, she leans in and tells me, "I do this on the side as well. Call me directly next time, and you'll pay less. I can just come over to your house and do it."

I told her, "Um...I don't think my wife would be too cool with that."


----------



## eowyn

Insecure said:


> Hi again...
> I can assure you this is a very real situation. Like I said I think I have aspergers so I may not pick up on red flags and stuff the way other people do.
> 
> Also, this guy is almost my age. And even though he is a trainer and bigger than me, I could easily kick his ass given my martial arts experience. I regularly train with many MMA fighters. *He was actually trying to get me to wrestle with another fighter* at the party but both the fighter and I agreed that would be a bad idea. I was wondering if the trainer was sizing me up or just thought it was be fun to watch us roll.
> 
> I had originally posted this hoping that I'd receive some encouraging words that I was right to be concerned but that most likely nothing was happening. I feel really terrible now after reading these comments. I appreciate all of them.


You need to bring your martial arts experience into your attitude. What would you do if someone were to kick you during your martial art practice? You would kick him back, right? That is exactly what you need to do. You need to protect your territory and not take any more crap. Stop saying sorry this man and to your W. As people suggest chances are that this is already an EA/PA and even if not there yet, whatever is going on is *highly inappropriate*!! The only way you can possibly stop this is by putting your foot down. 

I agree with Entropy that the b'day party could have been just a plan to give this trainer a grand b'day present of "group sex". Why else wld her friends get so angry for not getting to stay over? Not inviting you to the party also a red flag. And telling you that she was too drunk to remember anything is a classic cover up. Why wld she get so drunk in the company of a man who is not her H??? 

And yes, the other episode of the trainer trying to get you to wrestle at the party is also provocative and/or intended to mock you. So he tried to do this twice in the short span that he met you at the party. I think you need to put your foot down, and have her select her priorities. If she doesn't care for you it would be wise to let her go. If you keep fooling yourself you are likely to get hurt badly!


----------



## Entropy3000

Caribbean Man said:


> I have invested tens of thousands of dollars in my own personal gym.
> My wife used to workout before I met her.
> So I did it with her in mind.
> I love to workout ,she loves to workout. Sometimes she spots for me,and most importantly,
> I TRAIN HER.
> *No man can come into my house and be in ANY ROOM with my wife without me being there.* Full stop.
> There are lots of sexy female trainers, maybe you should get one too and lets see how she feels about that?
> Jus sayin.


I am this way as well.


----------



## Coffee Amore

Insecure said:


> Hi again...
> I can assure you this is a very real situation. Like I said I think I have aspergers so I may not pick up on red flags and stuff the way other people do.
> 
> Also, this guy is almost my age. And even though he is a trainer and bigger than me, I could easily kick his ass given my martial arts experience. I regularly train with many MMA fighters. He was actually trying to get me to wrestle with another fighter at the party but both the fighter and I agreed that would be a bad idea. I was wondering if the trainer was sizing me up or just thought it was be fun to watch us roll.
> 
> I had originally posted this hoping that I'd receive some encouraging words that I was right to be concerned but that most likely nothing was happening. I feel really terrible now after reading these comments. I appreciate all of them.



I'm really familiar with Asperger's and if you have it, you're a very high functioning Aspie. 

It looks to me like you're fine reading the red flags that others see. You see the flags but you're desperately hoping it's something else. But it's not something else. 

I know you got beaten up over the party incident and here comes another 2x4.. you should never have apologized to the trainer over what happened at the party. There was nothing to apologize for based on what you've posted so far. I say that as a woman who likes nice guys. There are times to apologize and that was not one of those moments. You need to show your strength. You can do that without tackling someone to the ground. True story, at a grad school party, a guy came on to me right in front of my husband too. Guess what...my husband took charge of the situation, turned it around then he took my hand, we left the party.


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## TBT

Don't know if its been mentioned but the friend(s) that told your wife to lie to you during the city episode are no friends of yours or your marriage.

Also,why is it that a married woman,or for that matter any woman,has to have a male personal trainer? Is it written in some rule book somewhere? All the female personal trainers I've seen look pretty amazing,so you would think they would know what works best for women at least as well as,or if not better than a man.


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## lovelygirl

He asked you if you trusted your wife because he wanted to test the waters and see if he was having a chance in the future to bang her. 
Why would he ask like that out of the blue?

Your wife has disrespected you in a lot of ways and not inviting your over at the party was a huge mistake. Something must've happened there, especially if she doesn't remember anything [if that's true at all..].

You have very poor bounderies.


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## Caribbean Man

*


Shaggy said:



Yeah the more I think about it, the guy is seeking to push you and show his dominance over you. 

No doubt your wife has been submissively throwing herself at him, begging his forgiveness for not staying in the city, for telling you too much, for you being mad at her etc.

Click to expand...

*


Shaggy said:


> *So at the party he decided to peacocq a bit. He was trying to show her he was dominant over you and could goad you.*
> 
> Things you dud good: you let he leave and didn't run after her.
> Things you did horribly: apologizing to the OM and her. Out of three , you are the only one who did nothing wrong.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The most disrespectful part is that the husband may well be the one PAYING HIS HARD EARNED CASH for this trainer to firetruck his wife 
In my country the carpenter would have already been measuring a coffin............
This personal trainer must be nuts!


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## NewM

So you will be ok with her having sex with him,cuckolding you,and stay with her for another 10 years until your daughter is 18?
That is what I got from your posts,you know something is going on but you will be weak and let it continue.And with your actions you shown her that you will not do anything about it is just green light for her to have sex with him if she hasn't already.

Get rid of this trainer,I am pretty sure there are many other trainers who are also female(if that will make you less insecure).
You have to make her pick him or you,if she picks him you divorce her.
You think your daughter will be happy to find out that her dad was unhappy and hurting for 10 years because of her?

Tell her that you plan on working out your flaws to save your marriage and she should fix her flaws too with first flaw being this trainer and getting rid of him.
Your first flaw to be fixed is stop being so beta.

Check her phone/facebook/email immediately.


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## Machiavelli

Get a spy camera in a wall clock and hang it in your gym room. Don't forget the audio. GPS her car and put a VAR under the driver's seat as well. She's almost certainly banging the guy or has in the past. 

I actually supervise training for 30+ clients in any give week and a few more than half of those are women. Every week they get taped and calipered, so there is some legitimate touching going on right there. However, this generally doesn't make anybody laugh. In fact, laughing coming out of your home gym is incompatible with a serious workout; nobody can laugh while pressing.

Besides going into investigative mode, you need to shape up. I've got three high level martial artists as clients presently and have had others in the past and some of them had terrible physiques when they started. I hope that's not you. If it is, you need to up your sex rank for your next woman.

Pick up a copy of "Married Man Sex Life." It is a very easy to swallow lesson in how to be more dominant. The knowledge contained therein, plus your new greek god physique you're going to work on will pay dividends in your next relationship.

also ETA: spyware goes on her phone and computer.

Or, alternatively, just file for divorce.


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## NewM

Just to add her trainer is not her MC,she shouldn't even be discussing your marriage problems with him,she is already having an EA with him.

After this party she will tell him about your 10 year in future divorce plan,and he will see it as you being beta and give him green light to do whatever he wants,I wouldn't be surprised if they have sex in your basement while you are home because you won't do anything if you catch them.He has to go.

You should have ditched him when she started talking how gorgeous he is.Her thinking he is gorgeous and him touching her during training sessions = NO.
Then after city incident he should have been ditched also but he wasn't.
Now after this party incident if he isn't gone it is really obvious that you are ok with them doing whatever they want.

If you stay married for another 10 years remember that you will probably have to pay alimony for the rest of your/her life.You are her life free roll money ticket right now.


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## lovelygirl

Her trainer is not being professional at all and he's being very weak. 
Both him and your wife have crossed the line towards each other. 
Your wife is MORE to blame because she's married and she has to stay faithful to you. If she doesn't care about her marriage then why would her trainer care?


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## Caribbean Man

Just my observation.
I appears to me, from reading some of these posts daily,that faithful married men are slowly being emasculated.
How on earth does a man hire a Personal Trainer for his wife,and she finds herself in a party ,drunk with the trainer? To add to that , the husband finds himself in a position where he is questioning his sanity and logic based on her deceitfulness ? That is just CRAZY!

Is it that these wayward wives are becoming more manipulative,hateful and deceitful in their dealings in matters regarding their vows vis-à-vis affairs of the heart?
Someone once said, "...Simplicity is the most deceitful mistress that ever betrayed man...." . I wonder what the word "simplicity" mentioned here personifies. 
Discovering this TAM site has been a major eye opener for me.


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## sinnister

In your heart you know what to do. You know something is not right.

Take a stand or you will lose her.

Last time I checked there are other personal trainers in the world. If she refuses to get another one she's telling you that their relationship is more than professional.


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## sculley

I guess my viewpoint is when she decided to go out and celebrate his birthday and not allow her husband to go pretty much broke the line of "professional" Her saying you can't go should have been a red flag. I agree with everyone tell her to find another trainer, if she refuses you can bet there is an affair of something happening or going to happen.


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## Toffer

sculley said:


> I guess my viewpoint is when she decided to go out and celebrate his birthday and not allow her husband to go pretty much broke the line of "professional" Her saying you can't go should have been a red flag. I agree with everyone tell her to find another trainer, if she refuses you can bet there is an affair of something happening or going to happen.


I believe that what his wife should have done was to say "I'm sorry but if my husband can't come with me, I don't want to go either"

Additionally, after telling her husband that it was going to be a big group of people and it turned out to be all women and the guy, she should have said "I'm sorry but this isn't what I was told to expect. I need to go home"


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## Insecure

Thanks again. Can't believe the number of responses I've received. Here's an update on the situation.

I asked her hypothetically if she would break off all contact with him if I asked her to and she said Yes but said she would be mad. 

I presented a compromise that was as such:
1) No social contact outside of training
2) She has 7 or 8 sessions left that she paid for. Her trainer can come over and train both of us together.
3) Once the paid for sessions are done, she finds a new trainer.

She reacted extremely negatively towards this and said screw it, it's not worth it, she will just stop training. It would be too embarrassing for her to ask the trainer to train us both at this point in time. And she was really angry that I was trying to control her. She said you people are all crazy and that I am acting crazy and accused me of being on drugs.

We talked for a long time and I'm not sure where we ended up really. We both pretty much agreed we need counseling. She definitely won't be having social contact with him and she definitely won't be training with him after her current sessions are up. He is temporarily leaving town for an internship anyway. She may continue training with him privately in my house just to keep the situation civil. We are all in the same social/community circle so if we can get through these next 7 or 8 weeks then it may be worth it to avoid a length amount of awkwardness in the future.

Also, she said she discussed this with one of her friends who volunteered to talk to me about it. That friend is not involved in this in anyway and I have a respect for this person so hopefully I can talk to her privately and get a better understanding of my wifes perspective. That women told my wife that she never should have told me I can't go to the city with them so at least she understands my perspective to some degree. 

Obviously, based on what you have all said, you will tell me I'm being weak. That her reaction is further proof she doesn't care about our marriage. I can't disagree with that. You'll also say that she is already probably cheating and that I need to protect myself and collect proof that I can use in case this comes to a divorce. I'm just not there yet. I still love her and trust her and as pathetic as that may be I am still clinging to it. 

I'm not sure if I am going to continue to update this. I've gotten what I needed from it and while honestly some of you sound a little nutty to me, I really appreciate each and every response.


----------



## sculley

Insecure said:


> Thanks again. Can't believe the number of responses I've received. Here's an update on the situation.
> 
> I asked her hypothetically if she would break off all contact with him if I asked her to and she said Yes but said she would be mad.
> 
> I presented a compromise that was as such:
> 1) No social contact outside of training
> 2) She has 7 or 8 sessions left that she paid for. Her trainer can come over and train both of us together.
> 3) Once the paid for sessions are done, she finds a new trainer.
> 
> She reacted extremely negatively towards this and said screw it, it's not worth it, she will just stop training. It would be too embarrassing for her to ask the trainer to train us both at this point in time. And she was really angry that I was trying to control her. She said you people are all crazy and that I am acting crazy and accused me of being on drugs.
> 
> We talked for a long time and I'm not sure where we ended up really. We both pretty much agreed we need counseling. She definitely won't be having social contact with him and she definitely won't be training with him after her current sessions are up. He is temporarily leaving town for an internship anyway. She may continue training with him privately in my house just to keep the situation civil. We are all in the same social/community circle so if we can get through these next 7 or 8 weeks then it may be worth it to avoid a length amount of awkwardness in the future.
> 
> Also, she said she discussed this with one of her friends who volunteered to talk to me about it. That friend is not involved in this in anyway and I have a respect for this person so hopefully I can talk to her privately and get a better understanding of my wifes perspective. That women told my wife that she never should have told me I can't go to the city with them so at least she understands my perspective to some degree.
> 
> Obviously, based on what you have all said, you will tell me I'm being weak. That her reaction is further proof she doesn't care about our marriage. I can't disagree with that. You'll also say that she is already probably cheating and that I need to protect myself and collect proof that I can use in case this comes to a divorce. I'm just not there yet. I still love her and trust her and as pathetic as that may be I am still clinging to it.
> 
> I'm not sure if I am going to continue to update this. I've gotten what I needed from it and while honestly some of you sound a little nutty to me, I really appreciate each and every response.


The fact that she said she would be mad 
that you were being controling 
then top it with the fact that she wasn't ok with the comprimise called us crazy 
said you were on drugs
......well it all sounds REALLY defensive to me. And it really seems like your backing down, you didnt ask for anything unreasonable that any other person in a marriage would have if anything I think those conditions were fair....


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## MadeInMichigan

People here sound nutty??? You are the Beta boy financing your wife's playtime. Sounds pretty nutty to me.


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## NewM

I really hope you won't be discussing about possibility of keeping current trainer with your wife's friend.If you do be sure to mention everything to that friend from calling him gorgeous to almost staying in hotel with him.

All talking should be about how you can improve your marriage *without him*.If she gets new trainer try to make it female and if its not then no partying with new trainer or discussing personal problems with him.


----------



## Toffer

DING! DING! DING! - There it is, the CONTROLLING word! Been waiting for that for a while!

So basically, the two of you "compromised" by saying it's OK for him to keep going into the basement of YOUR house with YOUR wife in minimal work-out clothing and him continuing to put his hands all over YOUR wife and doing only God knows what else to her why you sit upstairs looking for your balz for the next 2 MONTHS! WTF!!

You say you still trust her. That's fine. Trust but verify!

Time and time again this woman has made you and your marriage the second choice in this situation and YOU KNOW IT!

While some here may "sound nutty" it's because they have LIVED THROUGH this before and they are trying to keep YOU from making the same mistakes they made!

I know that everyone here who has given you a glimpse of the hel! that there spouses put them through has done it for purely unselfish reasons. I also know these same people here will welcome you back with open arms x weeks from know when you finally decide to listen to your gut and discover what's actually going on with the "gorgeous" trainier and your fit, hot wife. There will be no "I Told You Sos"

Good luck. Sadly, I think you're going to need it!


----------



## Bottled Up

This is exactly why if my wife ever wants to get a personal trainer in the future, I will insist on same-gender trainers only.

Allowing your spouse to do physical routines with an opposite-gender "body expert" is just straight up foolish. Why would you want your spouse spending hot, sweaty, physical time with someone who has a superior body to yours????

NEVER!


----------



## Traggy

The projection of guilt from her EA/PA here is tip top.

Those feelings you have in your gut are warning signs. Listen to them, which you have been, but not entirely.

You know this is messed up.


----------



## Entropy3000

Caribbean Man said:


> Just my observation.
> *I appears to me, from reading some of these posts daily,that faithful married men are slowly being emasculated.*
> How on earth does a man hire a Personal Trainer for his wife,and she finds herself in a party ,drunk with the trainer? To add to that , the husband finds himself in a position where he is questioning his sanity and logic based on her deceitfulness ? That is just CRAZY!
> 
> Is it that these wayward wives are becoming more manipulative,hateful and deceitful in their dealings in matters regarding their vows vis-à-vis affairs of the heart?
> Someone once said, "...Simplicity is the most deceitful mistress that ever betrayed man...." . I wonder what the word "simplicity" mentioned here personifies.
> Discovering this TAM site has been a major eye opener for me.


I see this too. There is a lot of fear. Not the urgent kind either. Not the fear that would drive a man to act and ultimately dominate the situation. Those men conquer tehir fear. But rather fear that turns them into something submissive. They are so worried about what other people think. WTF!?
I mean we see those that have wives who are obviously going down a very bad path and they are afraid to do anything about it for fear that the situation might actually be ... innocent. Huh? Who does that?

And ultimately their submissiveness is truning off and encouraging these women to further humiliate their husbands.


----------



## Entropy3000

Insecure said:


> I asked her hypothetically if she would break off all contact with him if I asked her to and she said Yes but said she would be mad.
> 
> This was too passive. No hypotheticals. You needs to tell her flat out the trainer was history. That you will not live in an opne marraige. BUT she sais yes. End discussion though she said yes. You got the answer you needed. The decisions made.
> 
> I presented a compromise that was as such:
> 1) No social contact outside of training
> 2) She has 7 or 8 sessions left that she paid for. Her trainer can come over and train both of us together.
> 3) Once the paid for sessions are done, she finds a new trainer.
> 
> Total fail. Why would you present a compromise? You do not compromise with this stuff. No point in weaning someone out of an affair. That dose not work. Who cares about the money? You also do not want to put yourself as the student to this man. This is just another step of a cuckold. Do not do this. He needs to go now.
> 
> She reacted extremely negatively towards this and said screw it, it's not worth it, she will just stop training. It would be too embarrassing for her to ask the trainer to train us both at this point in time. And she was really angry that I was trying to control her. She said you people are all crazy and that I am acting crazy and accused me of being on drugs.
> 
> Ok, then it is done. Tell her she must maintain no contact with him forever. All the rest of what she said is BS. Better to have a woman who is upset at you becasue she lost her boy toay than a woman who finds it hard to walk because her OM has been pounding her relentlessly. She has likely had sex witu this guy already but if not she will.
> 
> We talked for a long time and I'm not sure where we ended up really.
> 
> We both pretty much agreed we need counseling. She definitely won't be having social contact with him and she definitely won't be training with him after her current sessions are up.
> 
> Again, total fail. Forget the sessions. She must go through withdrawal. You have allowed her time to take this to anither level. Why would you do this?
> These are more games.
> 
> He is temporarily leaving town for an internship anyway. She may continue training with him privately in my house just to keep the situation civil. We are all in the same social/community circle so if we can get through these next 7 or 8 weeks then it may be worth it to avoid a length amount of awkwardness in the future.
> 
> Absurd. You cannot be in a social circle with this guy. Where are your priorities? Where are your boundaries?
> 
> Also, she said she discussed this with one of her friends who volunteered to talk to me about it. That friend is not involved in this in anyway and I have a respect for this person so hopefully I can talk to her privately and get a better understanding of my wifes perspective. That women told my wife that she never should have told me I can't go to the city with them so at least she understands my perspective to some degree.
> 
> Look, your wife wants to keep her OM. She will do anything to do so. Why would you entertain her freind to intercede here? This is incredibly passive.
> 
> Obviously, based on what you have all said, you will tell me I'm being weak.
> 
> You know you are. I suspect this is not even real. That you are just jerking us around by being so pathetic about it all. Certainly the way you handle this is unreal. UFB.
> 
> That her reaction is further proof she doesn't care about our marriage. I can't disagree with that. You'll also say that she is already probably cheating and that I need to protect myself and collect proof that I can use in case this comes to a divorce. I'm just not there yet. I still love her and trust her and as pathetic as that may be I am still clinging to it.
> 
> The issue is that you will not take actions to keep your wife. The longer you play these games the worse it gets. I mena you talk like 7 - 8 weeks is a short time. It is an eternity in these cases. I honestly do not know why a man would allow this to happen and then continue to enable it.
> 
> I'm not sure if I am going to continue to update this. I've gotten what I needed from it and while honestly some of you sound a little nutty to me, I really appreciate each and every response.
> 
> FWIW, this follows the script of a troll post. Asking for help. Getting advice. Defending the cheater and then saying you will not update because there is something wrong with the people giving the advice. I hope you are just jerking us around because if your situation is in anyway real, you are causing yourself no end of pain. We can only hope this is a hoax for your sake.


----------



## Entropy3000

Bottled Up said:


> This is exactly why if my wife ever wants to get a personal trainer in the future, I will insist on same-gender trainers only.
> 
> Allowing your spouse to do physical routines with an opposite-gender "body expert" is just straight up foolish. Why would you want your spouse spending hot, sweaty, physical time with someone who has a superior body to yours????
> 
> NEVER!


And it really goes way beyond a trainer being fit. But that does matter a lot. He is a hot guy that pays attention to her. It is a confident man mentoring the woman and praising her continually. She gets his full attention. She gets to tweak her clothing to add to her enjoyment and his for this attention. 

There is touching. It can often be very inappropriate. It does not have to be of course. But she will start wanting in her mind for that touch to linger longer and stray a bit. There are ways she can encourage this. i.e. she can trace a part of her body and talk about how sore it is or whatever or that she really felt that movement or that she really like the way her @$$ looks now. Gigggle, giggle. He can pickup on that cue by tracing along those muscles. Heck just supporting a womans neck postition gently with his hands can be very erotic while being plausible. 

It is a seduction over time. A breaking down of boundaries. It is PUA. Sometimes it is the woman who is the ones pursuing this. He can always massage her a bit as well to warmup. This allows the PT to tell her how hot and sexy she is. So not just encouragement but a level of banter that is beyond flirting. The woman at some point will respond by praising the trainer and how hot he is. She may then staet compating him to her husband and telling him who superior he is to her husband. That is damage enough for the PT to hear but the ral damage is the affirmations she is making in her own mind.

If this was in an open gym it would be a little harder to do this stuff as opposed in a woman's home. Especially when half the fun is humiliating the husband.


----------



## Maricha75

I have to say.... this whole "trainer scenario" gave me the mental picture of the movie "Couples Retreat" lol


----------



## Insecure

Not a troll post though I can see why you would think that. I didn't mean to offend anyone when I said some of you seem nutty. 

My issue is that for years I emotionally neglected my wife. That was the case for most of our marriage. Again, I think it's because of Aspergers and my general inability to communicate well with people. We went to therapy several times to no avail. She cried all the time and it got to the point that I would just ignore her crying because I didn't know how to deal with it emotionally. I couldn't show her love even though I felt it. The only thing that kept us together was our daughter and I guess our fear of divorce. 

Lately it has been better. I've been better. More open. More caring. I feel like maybe I'm getting in touch with my emotions. I've felt this way in the past though and gotten my wifes hopes up only to disappoint her when it turned out to be a phase I was going through. My wife is having a hard time adjusting to it. She isn't used to me wanting to control her. Her actions have been wrong, no doubt. She has apologized. She has said she would stop seeing him but I fear that by making her do that immediately that I will just be pushing us apart again at a time when we were just starting to connect. If it comes to a natural end in 7 weeks then that will be easier for her and maybe the progress she and I made over the last few months can continue. I think you all are right about his intentions but I trust that my wife isn't looking to cheat on me. I know some of you say she already has but given our history, I don't see it that way. I know you all think I'm fooling myself.

Also, like it or not, we are all in the same social circle. he is friends with her friends and I've started to become friends with some of the same people. It is an inevitability that we will see each other somewhere in the future.


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## Entropy3000

I'll be honset with you. I am crazy about my wife. And any dude like this who would go after my wife is going to see just how crazy. Sorry, I just am not a passive kinda guy when it comes to the most important person in my life. I suggest you get a little nutty. In your case it might help. Stop being nice to your wife's OM.

Your marriage is not yet your #1 priority. You seem to care an awful lot about the social relationships your wife has with her friends. I personally would make sure this guy would avoid you in he future. To do so you must deal with your wife more firmly. This OM should want to avoid your wife.

You are really being too passive here. And if you will be seeing this guy in the future you being passive is the worst thing you could possibly be.

As you should know, being centered and being passive are not the same thing.

Osu. Show this attitude in defense of your marriage. Think Bushido. The wise man knows when to show restraint and when to unleash himself. At the moment your honor is being compormised. Another man is taking your wife in your face. This is not about pride. It is about honor, dignity and duty.

The integrity of your marriage has been breached. It is your duty to defend and repair this. Your dignity has been challenged. This is not honorable. Your wife has lost her honor. It is your duty to stop this before her honor is further lost. She needs your help to do so. Tough love.
Don't control. Dominate.


----------



## Insecure

She has told me that there is no touching in their workouts and given the type of lifting they do I believe it. They do some pretty intense stuff. My wife is strong and they do serious workouts. It's not what you would typically think of when it comes to a woman working out. They do heavy squats, deadlifts,etc. 

Also, as I train in martial arts, I sometimes find myself grappling with females in the gym. That is full on body to body contact in every position you can imagine. We are clothed in a Gi of course. There is nothing sexual about it. My wife has never had an issue with this. So I can kind of understand how touching if it were to occur can be incidental. Mind you, given what has happened recently, I definitely wouldn't want there to be touching. But a year ago, before I heard the gorgeous comment and became insecure, I wouldn't have had as much of a problem with it.





Entropy3000 said:


> And it really goes way beyond a trainer being fit. But that does matter a lot. He is a hot guy that pays attention to her. It is a confident man mentoring the woman and praising her continually. She gets his full attention. She gets to tweak her clothing to add to her enjoyment and his for this attention.
> 
> There is touching. It can often be very inappropriate. It does not have to be of course. But she will start wanting in her mind for that touch to linger longer and stray a bit. There are ways she can encourage this. i.e. she can trace a part of her body and talk about how sore it is or whatever or that she really felt that movement or that she really like the way her @$$ looks now. Gigggle, giggle. He can pickup on that cue by tracing along those muscles. Heck just supporting a womans neck postition gently with his hands can be very erotic while being plausible.
> 
> It is a seduction over time. A breaking down of boundaries. It is PUA. Sometimes it is the woman who is the ones pursuing this. He can always massage her a bit as well to warmup. This allows the PT to tell her how hot and sexy she is. So not just encouragement but a level of banter that is beyond flirting. The woman at some point will respond by praising the trainer and how hot he is. She may then staet compating him to her husband and telling him who superior he is to her husband. That is damage enough for the PT to hear but the ral damage is the affirmations she is making in her own mind.
> 
> If this was in an open gym it would be a little harder to do this stuff as opposed in a woman's home. Especially when hale the fun is humiliating the husband.


----------



## WorkingOnMe

Your latest interaction with your wife was a test. When she pushed on the compromise stuff you were supposed to hold your ground. Instead, you caved. Thus, you failed the test.


----------



## Toffer

DING! DING! DING!

There is is AGAIN! "She isn't used to me wanting to control her."

Sweet mother of God Insecure, can't you see that your wife is the one controlling YOU?


----------



## Entropy3000

Insecure said:


> She has told me that there is no touching in their workouts and given the type of lifting they do I believe it. They do some pretty intense stuff. My wife is strong and they do serious workouts. It's not what you would typically think of when it comes to a woman working out. They do heavy squats, deadlifts,etc.
> 
> Also, as I train in martial arts, I sometimes find myself grappling with females in the gym. That is full on body to body contact in every position you can imagine. We are clothed in a Gi of course. There is nothing sexual about it. My wife has never had an issue with this. So I can kind of understand how touching if it were to occur can be incidental. Mind you, given what has happened recently, I definitely wouldn't want there to be touching. But a year ago, before I heard the gorgeous comment and became insecure, I wouldn't have had as much of a problem with it.


All this is just added drama. She needs to go NC with this guy. It really is that simple. It is not about Squats or Deadlifts. Focus. He needs to go now.

Lose your fear. Fear smothers the man beneath. If you do your insecurities will vanish. Your fear put you in this situation. You are in a fight right now.
use what you know about fighting in ths situation. It is just that this fight matters much. So do not play with this. You must run this opponent off or destroy him.

BTW, spotting on Squats can be quite an intimate embrace. I don;t giggle a whole lot when I train. I am too focused. It would sound more like having sex if anything.

Watch this video and imagine how one could use this to cop some feels that are inappropriate. -> Spotting For Squats 

There are other examples of course on many different exercises.
She should have gone with a serious female PT. They are not as rare as they used to be.

He covers how to spot for a female bacause ... it matters. Otherwise one is cupping her breasts. So this more serious form of lifting also comes with more and not less touching.


----------



## sculley

They are basically doing Crossfit stuff doing correct form or correcting bad form in itself requires some touching. Why would they need to be laughing during weight lifting? I honestly found it a little offensive how you come on here asking for advice (you have to realize your always going to be extreme advice because of experiences) and when we put time, effort and try to help you call some of us a little nutty? Just kind of confused considering you came to us for advice... At any rate some of these men might be right in some aspects. I am a woman I don't like being Controlled and make it a point to make sure my marriage there is no power struggle. There has to be respect on both sides. I believe both parties should be allowed to discussed things their views and make a comprimised decision that they can live with...But that goes out the window when it comes to the opposite sex etc.. There are just some things that are a no go. Have you guys ever make marriage proof rules...?


----------



## Shaggy

You are worried she is in an EA maybe PA with her trainer.
He has confronted you about you not trusting her. Hello, so obviously there has been talk by her to him about your feelings and whining about their relationship. So you know she has had occasion and situations where she has talked with him about her-him and you. Think, just where during the workout this would happen? It wouldn't. It would only happen while they were talking about him and her.

So you talked to her. Instead of respecting your feelings, and working to strengthen your bond, she calls you controlling.

Then she negotiates 7 more weeks of continued contact with him. Oh, and he is still in the social group so the next time the GFs so for a night on the town,he'll be welcomed to join, but likely not you.

He's not gone. She not giving him up, and she has forestalled your next attempt to break them up by 7 weeks.

Not winning.

Please listen to the advice here. You really need to know what they are saying to each other. Ge those VARs in place immediately. In the car and in the workout area.

It would aso be telling how long after your talk before she ran to call or text him. If is immediately you know that their relationship is way inappropriate and her priority.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Insecure

The laughter is the result of the way they talk to each other and the way he motivates her. He calls her a ***** if she can't do a lift and she tells him to F off and then they laugh about it. That probably sounds bad. Certainly in light of what has been said here it sounds unprofessional on the trainers part but since it was also a described to me as a platonic friendship I thought it was not a problem.

Like I said, sorry about the nutty comment. I wasn't prepared for the responses I got. I was originally just wondering if you all could let me know if you thought this guy had bad intentions. I wasn't expecting the comments about my wife. I scanned the posts on here before posting this but I'm by no means a regular. I created my account just for this post. It caught me off guard. Everything does apparently.

We've never made marriage proof rules nor have I ever heard of it.




sculley said:


> They are basically doing Crossfit stuff doing correct form or correcting bad form in itself requires some touching. Why would they need to be laughing during weight lifting? I honestly found it a little offensive how you come on here asking for advice (you have to realize your always going to be extreme advice because of experiences) and when we put time, effort and try to help you call some of us a little nutty? Just kind of confused considering you came to us for advice... At any rate some of these men might be right in some aspects. I am a woman I don't like being Controlled and make it a point to make sure my marriage there is no power struggle. There has to be respect on both sides. I believe both parties should be allowed to discussed things their views and make a comprimised decision that they can live with...But that goes out the window when it comes to the opposite sex etc.. There are just some things that are a no go. Have you guys ever make marriage proof rules...?


----------



## sculley

Dear the calling each other names and joking around is honestly the first way to bond...I used to do that and still do with my husband. I find it hilarious and it lightens up the environment if things are stressful. She is being stressed by you (not your fault...hers) so she works out with this guy relieves her stress because working out does that and gives you those feel good chemicals and she is unknowingly or knowingly bonding with her trainer....

as for the marriage proofing....There are guidelines put out when your dating usually or you find out what would be your SO deal breakers in a relationship/marriage just by getting to know them. They could be simple or complex considering what they person has had to deal with in the past. 

For example....Like I would never be okay with my husband working out with a female especially since my first husband had a female workout partner after refusing to workout with me and it lead to an affair that I gave him chances to end the working out/friendship three times... (EXPERIENCE IS HERE ON THIS FORUM TRYING TO HELP YOU not to make the same mistakes) There are just certain things you know when you date someone that they would not be okay with.... My husband I know that if I were to put another man over spending any time with him would be hell to pay... There are just some things that you don't do because it's disrespectful regardless of the many excuses.

I believe you are so scared of loosing your wife from your past problems that your willing to take it on the chin a little too much.


----------



## Bottled Up

Why don't you test your wife and say "Look, I certainly don't want you to stop doing something you love. But our relationship means we both need to respect each other's needs and boundaries in a loving an supportive way. I'm a guy and my gut says this guy is a threat to our marriage, whether you can see it or not. It makes me uncomfortable, and you should respect that. So why don't you get a female trainer instead and then you can keep doing what YOU love while also respecting MY need to remove this man from our lives?"

See what she says to this. If she reacts harshly, you can immediately use that reaction against her and say "I see, so it's not the workout you love so much, it's the workout with this particular guy. And judging by your reaction to me, your own husband, apparently keeping him in your life is much more important to you than your own husband's need for comfort and security. I see where you stand now... and now I am absolutely sure this man is a threat to our marriage."


----------



## Maricha75

Insecure said:


> The laughter is the result of the way they talk to each other and the way he motivates her. He calls her a ***** if she can't do a lift and she tells him to F off and then they laugh about it. That probably sounds bad. Certainly in light of what has been said here it sounds unprofessional on the trainers part but since it was also a described to me as a platonic friendship I thought it was not a problem.
> 
> Like I said, sorry about the nutty comment. I wasn't prepared for the responses I got.* I was originally just wondering if you all could let me know if you thought this guy had bad intentions. I wasn't expecting the comments about my wife.* I scanned the posts on here before posting this but I'm by no means a regular. I created my account just for this post. It caught me off guard. Everything does apparently.
> 
> We've never made marriage proof rules nor have I ever heard of it.


Ok, then the answer to the question: YES!
And your wife also has bad intentions. You just refuse to see it. Sorry if this makes me sound crazy. But it's true. You so badly want to believe she is innocent... but she is not. And, regarding the "no touching"... BS. There is touching. Inappropriate touching, disguised as appropriate. Now, what are you actually going to DO to STOP it?


----------



## Entropy3000

Well what ever he calls her it shows up as ***** so we don't know his pet word for her, but you have successfully turned this completely around and are defending the two of them continually. Again this follows a typical script.

So good, let her have her OM because its all good clean fun and training. Maybe they will let you watch at some point.


----------



## HurtinginTN

Dude, sorry you are going through this. Read my threads. Same deal. Get "No More Mr. Nice Guy." I'm still working on that.


----------



## sculley

Entropy3000 said:


> Well what ever he calls her it shows up as ***** so we don't know his pet word for her, but you have successfully turned this completely around and are defending the two of them continually. Again this follows a typical script.
> 
> So good, let her have her OM because its all good clean fun and training. Maybe they will let you watch at some point.


The fact that she would rather end it then to allow you down there or to pt with them speaks VOLUMES....really sounds like you came on here wanting our advice and criticized it because it's not what you want to hear. I am sorry but I think you have a bit of stockholm syndrome. You act like you should be thankful that she doesnt leave you. You might have done wrong in the past by not being there for her (but you have a disorder...my husband has a disorder kind of like that) and you seem to have gotten yourself together but it does not give her the excuse or right to do this to you


----------



## Machiavelli

Bottled Up said:


> This is exactly why if my wife ever wants to get a personal trainer in the future, I will insist on same-gender trainers only.
> 
> Allowing your spouse to do physical routines with an opposite-gender "body expert" is just straight up foolish. Why would you want your spouse spending hot, sweaty, physical time with someone who has a superior body to yours????
> 
> NEVER!


I agree. The results are much better with a dykey roided up female trainer putting her hands all over your wife. Female bisexuality really seems to come with this territory.


----------



## Machiavelli

Entropy3000 said:


> And it really goes way beyond a trainer being fit. But that does matter a lot. He is a hot guy that pays attention to her. It is a confident man mentoring the woman and praising her continually. She gets his full attention. She gets to tweak her clothing to add to her enjoyment and his for this attention.
> 
> There is touching. It can often be very inappropriate. It does not have to be of course. But she will start wanting in her mind for that touch to linger longer and stray a bit. There are ways she can encourage this. i.e. she can trace a part of her body and talk about how sore it is or whatever or that she really felt that movement or that she really like the way her @$$ looks now. Gigggle, giggle. He can pickup on that cue by tracing along those muscles. Heck just supporting a womans neck postition gently with his hands can be very erotic while being plausible.
> 
> It is a seduction over time. A breaking down of boundaries. It is PUA. Sometimes it is the woman who is the ones pursuing this. He can always massage her a bit as well to warmup. This allows the PT to tell her how hot and sexy she is. So not just encouragement but a level of banter that is beyond flirting. The woman at some point will respond by praising the trainer and how hot he is. She may then staet compating him to her husband and telling him who superior he is to her husband. That is damage enough for the PT to hear but the ral damage is the affirmations she is making in her own mind.
> 
> If this was in an open gym it would be a little harder to do this stuff as opposed in a woman's home. Especially when half the fun is humiliating the husband.


Exactly right, you've nailed it right down the line. In PUA, this is called "kino." Plus, it's been shown that women who train are more into muscular guys than less fit women. If husband isn't keeping up sex rank he's going to be effed. This is how Elvis' wife ended up with her karate instructor.


----------



## Entropy3000

sculley said:


> The fact that she would rather end it then to allow you down there or to pt with them speaks VOLUMES....really sounds like you came on here wanting our advice and criticized it because it's not what you want to hear. *I am sorry but I think you have a bit of stockholm syndrome. *You act like you should be thankful that she doesnt leave you. You might have done wrong in the past by not being there for her (but you have a disorder...my husband has a disorder kind of like that) and you seem to have gotten yourself together but it does not give her the excuse or right to do this to you


:smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:


----------



## Entropy3000

> Originally Posted by Insecure View Post
> Like I said, sorry about the nutty comment. I wasn't prepared for the responses I got. *I was originally just wondering if you all could let me know if you thought this guy had bad intentions.* I wasn't expecting the comments about my wife. I scanned the posts on here before posting this but I'm by no means a regular. I created my account just for this post. It caught me off guard. Everything does apparently.
> 
> We've never made marriage proof rules nor have I ever heard of it.


We understand your question. After you painted the picture you did it became evident to us that you were asking the wrong question.

The OM while playing a key role in this situation is not the key person who you need to be most concerned about. That would be your wife. 

It is her behavior that is the problem. She is being inappropriate and unfaithful to you. Even if we do not have direct evidence of her physically cheating with this guy yet. She is just way out of bounds. So forgive us for dwelling on the elephant in your living room while you ask us if you have too many peanuts on the coffee table. 

But your wife is not posting here. The most unsettling part of this is that you refuse to trust your gut feelings and continue to justify your wifes behavior. You refuse to handle this decisively.
So this turns into a morality play.

Other Man -- Problematic. Yes he wants to bang your wife and she may already be part of his client harum. He at the least is seducing her and grooming her for this.

Toxic Friends -- These toxic friends have their own agenda. Perhaps they feel that your wife wants to have this boy toy. But I suspect they are using your wife for favors from the PT. They are in essence here his minions. They are not a friend of the marriage. I am guessing the birthday night was about some group sex. "Dear Penthouse"

Your Wife -- I won't rehash all the various things she is doing to destroy her marriage. I do not know her motivation but her actions say that she is at the least cake eating and at the worst wants to cuckold you. The truth may be in the gray in between but no matter she is the one you would like to get back on track.

Yourself -- Right now your worst enemy is yourself. I hope at least you are struggling inside and will eventually come to your senses and do something here. Time is not your friend.

So you have come here and in essence ask ...

"Will my marriage be destroyed or will it prosper again?"

The answer of course is ...

"Your marriage is in your hands my friend"


----------



## Entropy3000

Machiavelli said:


> Exactly right, you've nailed it right down the line. In PUA, this is called "kino." Plus, it's been shown that women who train are more into muscular guys than less fit women. If husband isn't keeping up sex rank he's going to be effed. This is how Elvis' wife ended up with her karate instructor.


I confess I did not know this.

How a Black Gi brought about Elvis Persiley divorce

This is compelling stuff. You had perhaps the most desired male on the planet at the time. Many older women still worship his memory and he has been gone sine 1977. Yet he lost his wife to her karate personal trainer.

I find the link above to be an interesting perspective here.

So all things considered we have a situation where the wife was bonding with her trainer. She ends up leaving Elvis over this. And then there is Shaq.


----------



## Goldmember357

Troll? 

If not than

Divorce her

this is only going to further ruin your quality of life you have ignored a million red flags. Best of luck


----------



## AFEH

I think some of us men neither listen to our emotions or when we do we don’t trust them.

For example the emotions of jealousy and insecurity. I think at times the bigger the Man we try and be, the more likely we are to ignore and suppress those two emotions. For example real men aren’t supposed to be jealous. Real men aren’t supposed to feel insecure.

And so we ignore the signals our body has evolved over millennia to tell us. Well, not just to tell us but at times to shout and scream at us.

And then just like a man we try and rationalise our feelings. And we do that by asking our wife what’s going on. And the very next thing we do is we believe what they tell us. Because we’re so in love with them and anyway they wouldn’t lie, deceive and manipulate the heck out us would they?

At the end of the day the man must trust his gut. It’s what it’s there for. He must trust his emotions over and above all else. Including his wife.


You have to either end your wife’s relationship with the trainer or end your relationship with your wife. You do that by giving your wife the choice of it’s you or the trainer.

Her answer will tell you all you need to know.


----------



## AFEH

Entropy3000 said:


> When I read the original post it amazed me that despite seeing red flag after read flag you did nothing but exacerbate the problems. Also you have every reason to feel jealous and insecure. You failed to dominate however. Big mistake.
> 
> We can play games with the word controlling and say that we cannot control people. Let me rephrase this them. You failed to be dominant in a situation that required you to be from the start.


See this is where I disagree. Even having been a dominant man!

As soon as one person tries to dominate another against their will, it is the dominant person who is the aggressor and who is in the wrong.

Dominance does not take account of “free will”. In fact dominance DENIES free will.

In the case of the OP it is his wife’s “free will” that enables her to do whatever she likes. She is free to have her affair, free to lie to and deceive her H. Free to bang her trainer if indeed that’s what she is doing. His wife is free to do all sorts of things and it’s that very freedom that millions of good men and women have died for.

As soon as he tries to dominate her and thereby prevent her doing what she is doing he has lost.

This is where boundaries come in. In this case boundaries of intolerance. It goes something like “You are free to do whatever you please and I sincerely hope that you find your joy and happiness in doing what you are doing. Meanwhile that trainer will never again set foot in my home again. And if you continue to meet with him I will divorce you”.

All you do is what is within your power to do.


----------



## AFEH

In fact the more you try and dominant someone’s expression of their free will, the more energised they become to express it!

You will NOT smoke. Guess what happens. You will NOT drink. Guess what happens.

Trying to suppress someone’s expression of their free will by dominating them is rather like throwing petrol on a fire in an attempt to put it out. In that trying to dominate them actually ENERGISES them to keep on doing what they are doing.


But it’s far far worse than that. You tried to dominate them but you didn’t succeed. You tried to control their behaviour and again you didn’t succeed. Now they know for a fact they can get away with anything! And so they are even more energised to keep on doing what they are doing.


But assert your boundaries and tell them what you will not tolerate let’s them know that if they continue what the consequences will be.

It is they who then must make their choice. It’s either A or it’s B. It is not A and B. And that choice is made by their own FREE WILL. Which is exceptionally important!


----------



## MattMatt

S**t! They tried to set your wife up! Damn. With 'friends' like that she needs no enemies!


----------



## Insecure

Update...
We have counseling scheduled for Tuesday. I have high expectations that it will allow us to better understand each others perspectives. For once, I'm really looking forward to a counseling session. 

Also, just as a general observation... I'm not an alpha male. I don't take charge of situations and I don't tell people what to do unless I'm managing them at work. I like to blend in and observe. I can kick pretty much anyone's ass who isn't extensively trained but I view fighting as a sport, and perhaps self-defense, and not a way to intimidate people or solve problems (at least when I'm sober). 

A lot of this advice sounds like I need to step it up and be more alpha but that just isn't me. and if my wife were to need that then I'd be screwed because I couldn't keep up a charade like that for long.


----------



## MattMatt

My wife has Aspergers. Just thought I'd mention that.

It can't be easy for your wife, but she stepped over several boundaries.


----------



## Machiavelli

Insecure said:


> if my wife were to need that then I'd be screwed because I couldn't keep up a charade like that for long.


Actually, you WON'T be screwed, and that's the problem. As western society continues to devolve into more feral and natural mating practices, what with the collapse of Chuchianity's influence and its teachings promoting universal monogamy, men who are in Vox Day's gamma class and below are not going to be able to attract women over rank 5.

Sometimes, we have to be willing to change to get what we want. A lot of guys are going to have to start upping the alpha.


----------



## Insecure

Interesting point. I never thought of it that way. I checked out the link. I think I am a gamma. I should step up my game. I have low self confidence in social situations though. I'm short so women aren't generally interested in me and men probably think I'm weak. I also suck at small talk. I hate it. With a group of friends, like on poker nights, I can dominate a conversation. With a group of acquaintances I will frequently say almost nothing. 




Machiavelli said:


> Actually, you WON'T be screwed, and that's the problem. As western society continues to devolve into more feral and natural mating practices, what with the collapse of Chuchianity's influence and its teachings promoting universal monogamy, men who are in Vox Day's gamma class and below are not going to be able to attract women over rank 5.
> 
> Sometimes, we have to be willing to change to get what we want. A lot of guys are going to have to start upping the alpha.


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## eowyn

Insecure said:


> The laughter is the result of the way they talk to each other and the way he motivates her. *He calls her a ***** if she can't do a lift and she tells him to F off and then they laugh about it.*


Is this not what they call........ *F.L.I.R.T.I.N.G*


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## Machiavelli

Insecure said:


> Interesting point. I never thought of it that way. I checked out the link. I think I am a gamma. I should step up my game. I have low self confidence in social situations though. I'm short so women aren't generally interested in me and men probably think I'm weak. I also suck at small talk. I hate it. With a group of friends, like on poker nights, I can dominate a conversation. With a group of acquaintances I will frequently say almost nothing.


It's a skill, just like learning martial arts. Even the rote patterns and then learning to improvise and deal with the unexpected. Here's an interesting article and discussion on just this issue. After you read the article, search the comments for the word "devito," then find and read all of them.


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## Entropy3000

AFEH said:


> See this is where I disagree. Even having been a dominant man!
> 
> As soon as one person tries to dominate another against their will, it is the dominant person who is the aggressor and who is in the wrong.
> 
> Dominance does not take account of “free will”. In fact dominance DENIES free will.
> 
> In the case of the OP it is his wife’s “free will” that enables her to do whatever she likes. She is free to have her affair, free to lie to and deceive her H. Free to bang her trainer if indeed that’s what she is doing. His wife is free to do all sorts of things and it’s that very freedom that millions of good men and women have died for.
> 
> As soon as he tries to dominate her and thereby prevent her doing what she is doing he has lost.
> 
> This is where boundaries come in. In this case boundaries of intolerance. It goes something like “You are free to do whatever you please and I sincerely hope that you find your joy and happiness in doing what you are doing. Meanwhile that trainer will never again set foot in my home again. And if you continue to meet with him I will divorce you”.
> 
> All you do is what is within your power to do.


I am talking about dominating the situation. He needs to not just let all of these things go and go and go.

I think being afraid to dominate is a paralyzing fear.

Instead he ends up being dominated by the PT.

You do know we are not disagreeing here. Right?

Dominating this situation is refusing to be a dormat. Refusing to show weakness. Showing weakness IMO enables her lack of respect for him. 
Allowing anyone to disrespect you is flat out wrong and sends the signal to continue to disrespect you. It is not attractive.

Maybe you are one that believes if they want to cheat they will cheat.

This just leaves out most of the people who end up being unfaithful. He essentially has allowed and continues to allow another man to seduce his wife.

He should not have been ok with the male personal trainer. He also should have stopped all this nonsense all along the way. He should have invoked boundaries way way way sooner.


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## Entropy3000

AFEH said:


> I think some of us men neither listen to our emotions or when we do we don’t trust them.
> 
> For example the emotions of jealousy and insecurity. I think at times the bigger the Man we try and be, the more likely we are to ignore and suppress those two emotions. For example real men aren’t supposed to be jealous. Real men aren’t supposed to feel insecure.
> 
> And so we ignore the signals our body has evolved over millennia to tell us. Well, not just to tell us but at times to shout and scream at us.
> 
> And then just like a man we try and rationalise our feelings. And we do that by asking our wife what’s going on. And the very next thing we do is we believe what they tell us. Because we’re so in love with them and anyway they wouldn’t lie, deceive and manipulate the heck out us would they?
> 
> At the end of the day the man must trust his gut. It’s what it’s there for. He must trust his emotions over and above all else. Including his wife.
> 
> 
> You have to either end your wife’s relationship with the trainer or end your relationship with your wife. You do that by giving your wife the choice of it’s you or the trainer.
> 
> Her answer will tell you all you need to know.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

I think men need to be confident enough to listen to their feelings. I agree too many men do not.


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## lamaga

Machiavelli said:


> Actually, you WON'T be screwed, and that's the problem. As western society continues to devolve into more feral and natural mating practices, what with the collapse of Chuchianity's influence and its teachings promoting universal monogamy, men who are in Vox Day's gamma class and below are not going to be able to attract women over rank 5.


Well, that's just pure drivel. Do you find that that works often, where you are?


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## Entropy3000

AFEH said:


> In fact the more you try and dominant someone’s expression of their free will, the more energised they become to express it!
> 
> You will NOT smoke. Guess what happens. You will NOT drink. Guess what happens.
> 
> Trying to suppress someone’s expression of their free will by dominating them is rather like throwing petrol on a fire in an attempt to put it out. In that trying to dominate them actually ENERGISES them to keep on doing what they are doing.
> 
> 
> But it’s far far worse than that. You tried to dominate them but you didn’t succeed. You tried to control their behaviour and again you didn’t succeed. Now they know for a fact they can get away with anything! And so they are even more energised to keep on doing what they are doing.
> 
> 
> But assert your boundaries and tell them what you will not tolerate let’s them know that if they continue what the consequences will be.
> 
> It is they who then must make their choice. It’s either A or it’s B. It is not A and B. And that choice is made by their own FREE WILL. Which is exceptionally important!


Let me clarify. Dominating a sitation involves decisive action. Early. When problems can still be solved. Deal with problems when they are small. When the brakes are making a noise deal with it. Don't wait untill it gets so bad you have an extensive repair or worse yet a car wreck.

This is what I am talking about.

Anecdotally I have had many folks in my career tell me that the teams I have lead have had it easy. We never seem to have the catastrophic problems of other teams .... Duh! That is by design. Deal with problems when they are small. Avoid the no win scenario. Yeah just like Kirk.


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## Entropy3000

Insecure said:


> Update...
> We have counseling scheduled for Tuesday. I have high expectations that it will allow us to better understand each others perspectives. For once, I'm really looking forward to a counseling session.
> 
> Also, just as a general observation... I'm not an alpha male. I don't take charge of situations and I don't tell people what to do unless I'm managing them at work. I like to blend in and observe. I can kick pretty much anyone's ass who isn't extensively trained but I view fighting as a sport, and perhaps self-defense, and not a way to intimidate people or solve problems (at least when I'm sober).
> 
> A lot of this advice sounds like I need to step it up and be more alpha but that just isn't me. and if my wife were to need that then I'd be screwed because I couldn't keep up a charade like that for long.


Sorry you can't be that guy dude. Life takes all sorts of skills and traits. It is good to have a full toolset so that you can use your blend of traits when you need them. Hopefully your wife is not attracted to this gorgeous guy because he has some Alpha traits.

But you can add tools to your toolset if you allow yourself to do that. Let your fear go and maybe keep your wife.

Good luck. Hope this works out for you.

I hope counseling gets it done.

_"Do not go gentle into that good night ... " -- Dylan Thomas_

Fight for her dear sir.


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## lamaga

No, that's not Darwin. That's pseudo-intellectual crap.


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## Entropy3000

eowyn said:


> Is this not what they call........ *F.L.I.R.T.I.N.G*


I still think he is having us on. I hope for his sake he is.

But maybe it is the phase of the moon. How many personal trainer genre threads have occured recently. They often morph into the beloved opposite sex friend threads. 

That said, I think discussions about boundaries and the scenarios where they might apply is all good.

These of course also morph into the Alpha / Beta / Gamma / Mangina modes as well.


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## Entropy3000

lamaga said:


> No, that's not Darwin. That's pseudo-intellectual crap.


You know it would be so much easier if a couple were able to sit down and discuss their boundaires up front in an honest, respectful and unselfish way. 

I know this is an ideal utopian fantasy of mine. But gee whiz!!!


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## Machiavelli

lamaga said:


> Well, that's just pure drivel. Do you find that that works often, where you are?


What's drivel? Vox Day's classification of male personality types?


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## Machiavelli

lamaga said:


> No, that's not Darwin. That's pseudo-intellectual crap.


With reference to what? Roissy?


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## AFEH

Entropy3000 said:


> I am talking about dominating the situation. He needs to not just let all of these things go and go and go.
> 
> I think being afraid to dominate is a paralyzing fear.
> 
> Instead he ends up being dominated by the PT.
> 
> You do know we are not disagreeing here. Right?
> 
> Dominating this situation is refusing to be a dormat. Refusing to show weakness. Showing weakness IMO enables her lack of respect for him.
> Allowing anyone to disrespect you is flat out wrong and sends the signal to continue to disrespect you. It is not attractive.
> 
> Maybe you are one that believes if they want to cheat they will cheat.
> 
> This just leaves out most of the people who end up being unfaithful. He essentially has allowed and continues to allow another man to seduce his wife.
> 
> He should not have been ok with the male personal trainer. He also should have stopped all this nonsense all along the way. He should have invoked boundaries way way way sooner.


I don’t know. With a woman such as my wife you could try and dominate her all you like she’d still go ahead and do what she wanted to do. I think most women do when they have a crush on/are in the affair fog. Surely trying to dominate them has the downside of making their H look like an ass and drives them closer to the other man. It gives her and om something to share and talk about such that their bond gets even stronger.


And what would be gained from thumping and dominating the man she’s in love with, the one she has a crush on and is in the affair fog with. Again surely that would just drive her further into his arms.


I think it far better to wake up and see that he’s in direction competition with another man for his wife’s affections. And that as of right now he is losing that competition. And he’d be daft to do anything like thump the other man or dominate her such that he goes even further down the scale in his wife’s heart and mind.

He has to assert his boundaries and tell her “It’s him or me”. And if it’s him I’ll help you pack your bags.

That will force her to take a good hard look at her actual life with her H in comparison with her potential, imagined life with the other guy. That alone may wake her up out of her fog and see what’s really been going on.

It is after all, her choice.


Of course the OP has done it all wrong to date. And with his current level of apathy and indifference I can’t see much changing.


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## AFEH

I think in these things a man needs to understand what his emotions are telling him while at the same time having them under control. I don’t think he needs physical strength because use of it will get him into yet more trouble than he’s already in. But he should make it clear that he will not be crossed and will not take any nonsense lightly. But he does need fortitude, staying power and forbearance. And he needs to readily forgive such that he can see cause and effect and other things going on around him very clearly. He also needs cunning and wisdom.


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## Entropy3000

AFEH said:


> I don’t know. With a woman such as my wife you could try and dominate her all you like she’d still go ahead and do what she wanted to do. I think most women do when they have a crush on/are in the affair fog. Surely trying to dominate them has the downside of making their H look like an ass and drives them closer to the other man. It gives her and om something to share and talk about such that their bond gets even stronger.
> 
> 
> And what would be gained from thumping and dominating the man she’s in love with, the one she has a crush on and is in the affair fog with. Again surely that would just drive her further into his arms.
> 
> 
> I think it far better to wake up and see that he’s in direction competition with another man for his wife’s affections. And that as of right now he is losing that competition. And he’d be daft to do anything like thump the other man or dominate her such that he goes even further down the scale in his wife’s heart and mind.
> 
> He has to assert his boundaries and tell her “It’s him or me”. And if it’s him I’ll help you pack your bags.
> 
> That will force her to take a good hard look at her actual life with her H in comparison with her potential, imagined life with the other guy. That alone may wake her up out of her fog and see what’s really been going on.
> 
> It is after all, her choice.
> 
> 
> *Of course the OP has done it all wrong to date. And with his current level of apathy and indifference I can’t see much changing.*


Agreed.


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## mina

my DH would lose his ever-lovin' mind if I took a guy as a work out partner or hired a male personal trainer and I used to be a competitive bodybuilder and power-lifter (meaning I was / am again pretty serious about my workouts!) he'd put his foot down immediately. no discussion. I am a pretty alpha as a female but I Count On my DH to be above me in the alpha hierarchy and remind me where my boundaries are if I was so silly as to forget. and I love him for it!! I did have a male dressage riding instructor two years ago (I ride horses) and he definitely did not appreciate that but tolerated it as I was making progress, got good test scores and he was invited to attend EVERY lesson, EVERY show, EVERY clinic, etc. etc. (but chose not to.) however in riding there is a lot more clothes on and the trainer never gets close to the person or hopefully to the horse (which was the problem I ultimately had with the guy, he man-handled my horse one time and I had to fire him; my DH agreed at that point he had to GO. we have a lot invested in the horse.) I have a female instructor now and DH is much happier. even with my new trainer, my DH is always invited to lessons, to the show, to the clinic, etc. so he knows he can check up on where I am and with whom I am at any time. just as it should be. :-D being alone with a man working out? no. not gonna happen in this life. wouldn't happen even if we were meeting at a public gym in town. just no.


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## OneLoveXo

Toffer said:


> OK, I haven't even finished reading the entire post and all I can see are flashing lights and HUGE Red Flags here.
> 
> Here's the warning signs and flags:
> 
> 1- She said she didn't feel a need to stop using him (this after you expressed concern. Very disrespectful to YOU and the marriage)
> 
> 2 - they were discussing his own failing relationship and they were discussing his sexual interest in the other women. OK, now they are getting WAY too personal and having discussions only married couples should. I'm willing to bet that your wife also discussed your relationship with her. A huge red flag!
> 
> 3 - "I was told I could not go because I am not friends with him. It turned out that it was just the trainer, my wife, the other woman, and a young single attractive girl who was apparently a former client" - DING! DING! DING! - Major alarm bells going off here! If it was your wife who told you it was going to be a big group, she LIED to you!
> 
> 4 - "they all got drunk to the point that they don't really remember what happened" - Get out the Bullsh1t stamp for this one. They ALL know what happened. Actually, some scenes from porn movies are running through my mind right now! If they were this fvcked up, how did they manage to negotiate the trip on the train home and how did they get from the home train station back to their homes???
> 
> 5 - "she does seem secretive about her phone text messages and facebook private messages" - RED FLAG
> 
> 6 - "She blew up. She told everyone she was leaving because she was mad at me (people I don't know which was pretty awkward) and she drove home drunk." - Uh Oh! Red Flag!
> 
> 7 - "She said she didn't understand my problem with this guy" - Are you kidding me????
> 
> 8 - "She didn't come out and say she doesn't love me but when I insinuated it she didn't deny it. I said I thought she viewed me as someone who brings home a paycheck and is a father figure to our 8 year old daughter and that's it and she kind of agreed" - Time Out! You have said you've read abouth this thing here (women's relationships with their trainers) and you don't regognize this as ILYBNILWY?
> 
> Summary:
> 
> If your wife isn't already banging this guy, she is at least in and Emotional Affair with him!
> 
> While some will point to the issue where she was the one who insisted they all get on the train that night, I think she did that so none of the other women would have a turn with him that night or she didn't want to share him in a four way that night!
> 
> First and foremost, this should be in the Coping With Infidelity Forum. They'll adise you to do the following:
> 
> Investigate - get a keylogger on the PC ASAP/ Buy a voice activated recorder or two (and place one in the home gym and the other under the front seat of her car with heavy duty velcro)/ Get her cell phone records and look at the number/times/dates of texts and calls to her trainer
> 
> If your post is legit, you've got a SERIOUS problem. Do not have sex with your wife until you sort this out and in the meantime, get an STD test
> 
> She's staying with you for your money!


^^^Sorry I have not caught up with other people's post, but do exactly as this person says. This is dead on right. Your wife is showing all the signs of at the very least an EA (emotional affair). 

She could have possibly already cheated on you or thinking about. That whole party in the city is B.S., first she should have let you come, she lied, got drunk off her ass and is defending her relationship with him. Any good wife, would have acknowledged how uncomfrotable it makes her husband feel, she would have found a new trainer, but your wife is fighting for this man, RED FLAGS!!! I think your wife has "bigger" plans for him and her.

I would start monitoring as this user suggested, that is the only way to give yourself a peace of mind without pissing her off further. Althought I do think it's not normal for her to be acting like this, and the fact that she fighting with you over it. Your words and concerns should have been enough.


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## OneLoveXo

After reading through all of your posts, I got bit frustrated. You really aren't understanding what everyone is saying to you, you are lying to your own self and making excuses for your wife, because you don't want to know the truth, you think you do but you don't...you are setting yourself for a disaster. Just plant some cameras/voice recording devices, than you will know. Put in her car, that way it record any conversation she has while in it. Cheaters cover up their tracks better than anyone else, your wife is already showing all the signs of it.
It's clear you are not a priority for her and the only resaon she is sorta of complying is because you bring in those paychecks. She lovs the stability and comfort she gets from you, but she doesn not love you. No wife who loves her husband would step all over him like she does all over you.
Wake up, before it's too late. Just plant those cameras/voice recorders, if we are wrong they you can celebrate, but you are being told by many people, this many people could not be wrong. You are too blind to see your wife is walking all over you, she has your wrapped around her finger, and she can bend you anyway she wants.

This is not about you becoming a "man" or masculine. This is about realizing what your wife promised you when you married. No woman who loves her husband would treat him and lie to him like this.

I wish you the best, but frankly I think there is much more going on here, you are leaving her so much room to cheat. I am sure she will meet up with outside their gym practice, maybe at a party, but believe if you aren't with her ALL the time she will meet up with him and he will make his move until he gets what he wants. 

Some men live off stealing wives/gfs, clearly he is already doing to all her friends, I would be highly surprised if they hadn't hooked up in some way by now. She exhibits all the signs of a cheater and you just don't want to admit it, but clearly yout gut it telling you something is wrong here and you are for forlonging it and leaving him all the room for the opportunity.


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## Insecure

You think you are frustrated, imagine how I feel. Frustrated beyond belief. 



OneLoveXo said:


> After reading through all of your posts, I got bit frustrated. You really aren't understanding what everyone is saying to you, you are lying to your own self and making excuses for your wife, because you don't want to know the truth, you think you do but you don't...you are setting yourself for a disaster. Just plant some cameras/voice recording devices, than you will know. Put in her car, that way it record any conversation she has while in it. Cheaters cover up their tracks better than anyone else, your wife is already showing all the signs of it.
> It's clear you are not a priority for her and the only resaon she is sorta of complying is because you bring in those paychecks. She lovs the stability and comfort she gets from you, but she doesn not love you. No wife who loves her husband would step all over him like she does all over you.
> Wake up, before it's too late. Just plant those cameras/voice recorders, if we are wrong they you can celebrate, but you are being told by many people, this many people could not be wrong. You are too blind to see your wife is walking all over you, she has your wrapped around her finger, and she can bend you anyway she wants.
> 
> This is not about you becoming a "man" or masculine. This is about realizing what your wife promised you when you married. No woman who loves her husband would treat him and lie to him like this.
> 
> I wish you the best, but frankly I think there is much more going on here, you are leaving her so much room to cheat. I am sure she will meet up with outside their gym practice, maybe at a party, but believe if you aren't with her ALL the time she will meet up with him and he will make his move until he gets what he wants.
> 
> Some men live off stealing wives/gfs, clearly he is already doing to all her friends, I would be highly surprised if they hadn't hooked up in some way by now. She exhibits all the signs of a cheater and you just don't want to admit it, but clearly yout gut it telling you something is wrong here and you are for forlonging it and leaving him all the room for the opportunity.


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## Shaggy

Did VARs and or Cams get deployed ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFEH

And Insecure fiddled while Rome burned.


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## Insecure

I have not deployed any spying devices. I did eavesdrop on their last training session by simply standing in the room above the basement. I can hear them clear as day there. It was all small talk. Nothing of substance or personal. 

I'm going to give counseling a shot for a while and see where things go.


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## AFEH

Come on, you were the spying device!

Problem is it’s very likely they knew you were there, spying on them. What did you think they were going to do with you there, plan a weekend away?


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## sculley

I feel kind of bad for you, I agree with AFEH. They aren't going to talk about anything questionable especially since the issue has already been brought up and you are already suspicious. Do you really think someone is dumb enough to do something questionable so soon after the confrontation? I am sure they are waiting until their text or phone convos to talk about those things. I think it's almost like you already know something is going on and are in denial.


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## sculley

Basically what I am saying is they are probably being more careful now and decided to cool it down for a little while atleast until it blows over.


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## Insecure

I can see a record of all the texts and phone calls online on our phone bill. They used to text a little more than I would expect is necessary to schedule sessions but haven't texted much at all since the trip to city. I see no record of any phone calls ever.


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## sculley

Insecure said:


> I can see a record of all the texts and phone calls online on our phone bill. They used to text a little more than I would expect is necessary to schedule sessions but haven't texted much at all since the trip to city. I see no record of any phone calls ever.



Alright dear let me break this down for you. The fact that it's not happening as much anymore to me could show there was something going on.....That's just me because if there wasn't anything going on what would be the need to stop so much all of a sudden? Just food for thought. Maybe its over now and if that's true that's great but I would be a little suspicious for a while considering that would be my proof that something did happen or was in the process of happening when you confonted her.


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## Toffer

Sculley,

I would also think that the OPs previous confrontations and questions may have driven this too cool off a bit or has driven it partially underground.


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## Bottled Up

Agreed. All it takes is a 2nd burn phone for you to lose all visibility on the activities.


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## Insecure

Thought I would add a quick update for posterity in case someone comes across this thread.

Wife and I have been attending MC biweekly for 2 hours a session with a fantastic counselor who agrees that boundaries were crossed. It has been immensely helpful and we are closer now than we've been in many years. I feel like this incident has forced me to open up and that she probably knows the real me better now than she ever has. 
She still uses the personal trainer but there is just one more session and then it's over. I've been monitoring their sessions by being present in the gym area when he shows up and listening to them from another room when she works out and it has allayed many of my concerns in that I hear nothing personal is being discussed. She and I work out together regularly now as well which is great. 

Things aren't 100% perfect of course. We occasionally hit a rough patch as we work things out but I believe that each such problem we encounter makes us stronger as we reach mutually agreeable solutions. 

So it looks like there will be a happy ending to this story. I appreciate everyones input and I hope everyone else who finds themselves in a similar situation has similar success.


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## Dr. Rockstar

Good for you, Insecure! Sometimes all the advice in the world won't help you because the advisors own opinions have been colored by their experiences. I'm glad you followed your gut instead of having a more extreme reaction. Hopefully things will work out for both of you


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## RClawson

the best ending I have ever read here!


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## ghadi

Jealousy is one of the common causes why marriage fails. I recommend a book were it teaches on how to save marriages. It has a simple and easy techniques that builds a strong foundation for a couples.


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## costa200

Just catched up on this thread. This story should have stopped at the question "don't you trust your wife?"... Step to the right spill his glass over him, he looks to his pants and BAAAAAAM uppercut with all the power i could muster... But that's me. I'm mean...


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## srtjm

Sorry about what you are going trhu. Protect yourself. Get good advice from a lawyer.


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## Entropy3000

The situation seems to be at a very critical point. Going to be interesting to see what happens after the last session ...


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## keko

....and with the new trainer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Insecure

Last session never even happened. Trainer was a no show. He is out of town until next year now. She isn't getting a new male personal trainer. No need for lawyers. Ultimately there was no romantic relationship between them. Who knows where it might have led but now it's over and my wife and I are doing great so all is well. Had I punched the guy I would probably have been charged with assault and would be dealing with those consequences now. I am happy with the way I resolved this.


----------

