# Not sure if divorce is what I should be going for. Thoughts/advice?



## blameitonbadluck (Apr 6, 2016)

My husband and I are both 26 and we've been married since December 2013. Before that we were really good friends for a few yeas and started dating in the beginning of 2011. We have a 4 year old daughter together and I have a 5 year old son from a previous relationship.

Since our relationship started, we had broken up about 3 or 4 times because of things we just weren't agreeing on constantly. Finally in late 2013 I took the kids and moved out. It had gotten to the point to where he was physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive towards me, and he never paid attention to the kids.
I feel like he manipulated me into getting back together with him by telling me what he knew I wanted to hear and saying things were going to be different and he would change. I wanted to wait a little while before we got married, but he wanted to just do it ASAP, but I'm convinced he mostly wanted it for full custody of our daughter in case I decided to leave him again.

I've regretted my marriage ever since. I don't feel any connection with my husband anymore. I don't feel like I have feelings for him anymore. His maturity level is not that of a man's his age and it drives me insane. He rarely pays attention to our daughter, and never pays attention to my son unless it's to snap at him and get him in trouble. He treats him like dirt. He's constantly referring to him as stupid, an idiot, still brings up adoption, says things like we should just put him outside and leave him there, etc.

My husband has a disease that occasionally causes him pain from muscle spasms, etc, so in December 2014 he had a surgery to hopefully prevent some of the pain. It turned out to make his pain worse so in the beginning of 2015 he applied for disability. We won't have a hearing for another 18 months or so, so since then we've had no money. We live with his mom, dad, and sister in a small three bedroom town home, and rely on everyone else to provide us with what we need. That being said, from the time my husband wakes up to the time he goes to sleep, he sits at his computer and plays games. He doesn't help me with the kids, he doesn't help with any housework, and I feel more like his maid than his wife because he refuses to do anything himself such as fix his lunch or clean up after himself. I don't doubt that he's in pain, but I've learned that he lies and comes up with excuses to avoid doing anything.

His family doesn't do anything about him other than just talk with him, but everyone's just talked for 5 years now about his behavior, especially towards my son, and it all goes in one ear and out the other. I feel nothing but anger towards him anymore. I feel terrible that everyone else has to provide for my kids. I want a job and I want to be able to give my kids everything they want/need and more. I want to be out of this environment and out on my own without leeching off family.

He's also controlling and blames it on his anxiety. Although his mom pays all the bills, since he bought the internet router he thinks he has control over it. He'll throw a tantrum if he doesn't get what he wants and will go and disable the internet on my phone and laptop (my phone only works via wifi since we can't afford a cell phone bill and it's out of service). He'll take my phone from me and hide it (I currently haven't had my phone for about a month now). He also takes my car keys from me and hides them unless we have an errand to run, to which I never go anywhere by myself because he always has to go, claiming he wants to get out of the house. I've also had to cut ties with with all my friends because he doesn't like any of them and thinks they're all stupid. I don't even have a relationship with my parents anymore because he thinks my mom is crazy and won't allow me to talk to them or for them to come around. I feel like I've lost all of my freedom.

I'm just wondering if divorce would be the right thing, or if I'm being selfish about it all because I'm not living the way I want to? I don't know. But I can't do it anymore. Please help.


----------



## sweetstrummer90 (Apr 6, 2016)

honestly, it sounds like you need to leave him. he's not respecting the marriage and isn't treating you like a husband should be. whatever you feel that you are holding onto with him isn't worth it from what it sounds like. as a child coming from a home where my parents stayed together but didn't get along, me and all of my siblings have been affected by it in our adulthood, and being around a man like that isn't good for your children. no excuses on his end, it's not ok. if you want what's best for your children and yourself, i'd leave.


----------



## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

He doesn't take care of you or your children financially or emotionally. Has nothing to offer you except excuses.

He abuses you and your children. And make no mistake, ignoring a child is a form of abuse. Don't get me started on what he is doing to his stepson.

Your H is a little boy in a man's body.

I say protect yourself and your kids.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Are you in the United States? Have you applied for other government assistance?


----------



## Chloe14 (Apr 6, 2016)

Divorce him. There doesn't seem to be any logical reason to stay , your kids should always come first and you will find someone that treats you and them better


----------



## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Gtfo
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

No job, let's mom pay the bills, makes you miserable. You've made bad decisions a lot in your life.
Divorcing won't be one if them.
Having kids in unstable relationships is one you might not continue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## blameitonbadluck (Apr 6, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Are you in the United States? Have you applied for other government assistance?


Yes, we receive food stamps and medicaid but that's it. Any other form of government assistance requires some sort of work, which he obviously can't do and I can't do because he won't watch the kids.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

There are some people who just don't realize how bad they have it. You're one of them.

Ditch that sucker like a bad habit. Your youg son will be screwed up permanently if you don't get him out of this.

Do not look back. Use your head in this not your heart. You are the only one those kids have. Take care of them now.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

You do need to get him on permanent disability. When you divorce goes though the payments go directly to the spouse who has majority custody. Also at the very less your daughter will get medical insurance. I think at best you are dealing with a narcissist or a person with BPD. 

I have several links you should read Going ?Gray Rock? with a Narcissist | Narcissist Support 

Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder

Also a poster here @Uptown is knowledge on the subject, click on his nane and you see his past posts on this subject. He has a great link for what to signs to look for, but I cannot find the bookmark I used for it. 

Also several female posters, like @EleGirl, are very helpful with cases of physical abuse and emotional. Again click on her nabe and read her past posts.

Be well


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

blameitonbadluck said:


> He was physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive towards me, and he never paid attention to the kids.... He's also controlling.... He'll throw a tantrum.


Blame, I agree with @*JohnA* that you are describing classic warning signs for BPD and, to a lesser extent, for NPD and sociopathy as well. Specifically, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational anger, controlling behavior, temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, physical and verbal abuse, and always being "The Victim" -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your H has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he may exhibit strong traits of it or another PD.

I caution that BPD is not something a person "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your H exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do. 

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and rapid event-triggered mood flips.



> He was physically abusive.


If your H has strong BPD traits, he carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that triggers a release of anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a rage in less than a minute -- oftentimes in only ten seconds. Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their emotions. Indeed, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions.

For these reasons, the _physical_ abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at *50% of Batterers are BPDers*. Similarly, a *2008 study* and a *2012 study* find a strong association between violence and BPD.



> We had broken up about 3 or 4 times because of things we just weren't agreeing on constantly.


BPDer relationships are notorious for having multiple breakups. A BPDfamily survey of about 460 such relationships found that nearly a fourth of them (23%) went through 10 or more complete breakup/makeup cycles BEFORE finally ending for good. About 40% of the BPDer relationships experienced at least six breakup/makeup cycles before ending. And 73% of these relationships -- like yours, Blame -- had three or more breakup/makeup cycles before finally ending. See "Results" at *BPDfamily Breakup/Makeup Poll.*



> His maturity level is not that of a man's his age.


If he actually is a BPDer (i.e., exhibits strong and persistent traits), his maturity level likely is far lower than you ever imagined. A BPDer's emotional maturity typically is frozen at the level of a four year old. This is why a BPDer is fully reliant on the ego defenses available to a young child: e.g., temper tantrums, projection, magical thinking, black-white thinking, and denial.



> It drives me insane.


if you really have been living with a BPDer for several years, "insane" is exactly how you should be feeling. To a lesser extent, narcissists and sociopaths also have that effect on their spouses. Yet, because BPDers typically are convinced that the absurd allegations coming out of their mouths are absolutely true, they generally have a greater "crazy-making" effect than can ever be achieved by narcissists or sociopaths. 

This is why that, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the _one most notorious _for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. And this is largely why therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.



> He rarely pays attention to our daughter, and never pays attention to my son unless it's to snap at him and get him in trouble. He treats him like dirt. He's constantly referring to him as stupid, an idiot, still brings up adoption, says things like we should just put him outside and leave him there, etc.


These behaviors are warning signs for NPD (narcissism) or ASPD (sociopathy). If your H really does exhibit strong traits of BPD, he likely exhibits strong traits of one or two other PDs as well. A large-scale study of American adults found that, for male BPDers, 47% of them also exhibit strong NPD traits and 20% also exhibit strong ASPD (sociopathic) traits. See Table 3 at *2008 Study in JCP*.



> I can't do it anymore. Please help.


I agree with the other respondents that you should leave this man because he is so abusive to both of your children and to you. I also suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you and your two young children are dealing with. I further suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you read about BPD warning signs to see if they seem to apply.

An easy place to start reading is my list of *18 BPD Warning Signs*. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings any bells, I would be glad to join *John* and the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, Blame.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

blameitonbadluck said:


> Yes, we receive food stamps and medicaid but that's it. Any other form of government assistance requires some sort of work, which he obviously can't do and I can't do because he won't watch the kids.


What about unemployment benefits?


----------



## blameitonbadluck (Apr 6, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> What about unemployment benefits?


I don't think he would qualify based on the fact he has failed to seek/accept suitable work. In my honest opinion, I don't think he should be filing for disability in the first place. If he can sit for hours and hours on end playing computer games, he has no excuse as to why he couldn't find a desk job. But of course he has excuses for that. Social Security keeps denying him because they think he's suitable to work based on his medical records, but he just keeps trying to find ways to prove them wrong.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Have you sought out a lawyer that handles SS disability cases? If I understand right, you do not pay them unless they get you benefits. If they do get you benefits, you pay them a lot, but better than nothing.

My concern is about you and the two children, not if he is lazy or not. 

Bottom line, Young Lady, is do you want this to be your life?

Did you adopt his his son? If you left, it would be just you and your daughter, right?


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

@blameitonbadluck What did you think about Uptowns suggestion


----------



## blameitonbadluck (Apr 6, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Have you sought out a lawyer that handles SS disability cases? If I understand right, you do not pay them unless they get you benefits. If they do get you benefits, you pay them a lot, but better than nothing.
> 
> My concern is about you and the two children, not if he is lazy or not.
> 
> ...


He has a lawyer, but there's not much they can do with his case right now. And no, I absolutely do not want this to be my life. I don't want to be part of the statistic that has to rely on the government for all of my needs. I don't want my kids to think that it's okay to live this way. I want more for them, and for myself. And it's not his son, and he has not adopted him. So if I left, ideally it would be me and both my kids.


----------



## blameitonbadluck (Apr 6, 2016)

JohnA said:


> @blameitonbadluck What did you think about Uptowns suggestion


It makes sense. I know he has some sort of "mental" issue and we've talked about it before, but he kind of refuses any help especially if it involves medication of any sort because he doesn't like the idea of his brain chemistry being messed with in any way. Plus he flip-flops all the time, one day saying there's nothing wrong with him and the next day saying he knows he has problems. I'll have to look into everything @Uptown has suggested. All I know is, he blames the majority of his behavior on his disease and/or his anxiety, which I know there's no way that's the only reasons.


----------



## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

Oh no no no...he is completely controlling you, no wonder you aren't happy! You want my honest opinion? He is BAD! Bad for you and bad for your kids. Do you want them to grow up thinking that husbands can act that way and wives put up with it? I know you don't have any friends now because of this guy, but can you contact family for help? You need to leave this guy. You have regretted it from the beginning and he treats you and the kids like crap. If you can't, take your kids with you and go to a women's shelter and try to get help/contact family there.


----------

