# BIL had PA & EA



## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

Found out my H's B had a PA & EA. His wife doesnt know. What would you do? 

I really don't want to get involved...so mad at him. Should the whole family know? Or should that be SIL's right to tell everyone? I am afraid to tell her for fear of everyone in the family being pissed at me for telling her before he has (who knows if he ever will though). He is looking to leave my SIL (he has basically said she is not the hot young thing she used to be). He is totally in thr fog, and is being a dumba$$.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

missymrs80 said:


> Found out my H's B had a PA & EA. His wife doesnt know. What would you do?
> 
> I really don't want to get involved...so mad at him. Should the whole family know? Or should that be SIL's right to tell everyone? I am afraid to tell her for fear of everyone in the family being pissed at me for telling her before he has (who knows if he ever will though). He is looking to leave my SIL (he has basically said she is not the hot young thing she used to be). He is totally in thr fog, and is being a dumba$$.


You know her husband is a pig that is looking to ditch her. You should tell her. For all you know she could post the exact same thing you did.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

There are a million what ifs though. Makes me hesitant to say something to her AT THIS POINT IN TIME. I plan to meet w/ him this week w/ my H.


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## Daniel. (Jan 14, 2015)

Please tell her, she has the right to know what's going on in her marriage. I think BIL is unlikely to leave the wife because divorce means 50:50, alimony, child support, divide the pension plan. He'll continue to eat his cake until he got bored with the hot young (read: desperate h0) thing and move to the new one.

Don't tell BIL if you're going to tell SIL, he'll erase all the evidence and gaslight her to death.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

how about if it came from someone else or anonymously?


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

Tell her. She deserves to know.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

missymrs80 said:


> Found out my H's B had a PA & EA. His wife doesnt know. What would you do?
> 
> I really don't want to get involved...so mad at him. Should the whole family know? Or should that be SIL's right to tell everyone? I am afraid to tell her for fear of everyone in the family being pissed at me for telling her before he has (who knows if he ever will though). He is looking to leave my SIL (he has basically said she is not the hot young thing she used to be). He is totally in thr fog, and is being a dumba$$.





missymrs80 said:


> There are a million what ifs though. Makes me hesitant to say something to her AT THIS POINT IN TIME. I plan to meet w/ him this week w/ my H.


To be clear, your husband is aware of his brother's EA/PA, correct?

If you decide to expose (FTR, I would), do so to your SIL _and her *alone*_. Let her decide whether or not she wants a wider exposure.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

missymrs80 said:


> Found out my H's B had a PA & EA. His wife doesnt know. What would you do?


Send an anonymous letter with proof. Whether she believes it or decides to pursue finding out more is irrelevant. You did what needed to be done and the ball will be in her court.

At the very least you might stir the sh*t storm for that cheating POS. Either way, she deserves to know what a POS she is married to.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> To be clear, your husband is aware of his brother's EA/PA, correct?
> 
> If you decide to expose (FTR, I would), do so to your SIL _and her *alone*_. Let her decide whether or not she wants a wider exposure.



Yes, he knows. We literally just found out. We have no proof. Just another family member told us he told them. He has been setting up mtg times w/ each family member. The first family member he set up a mtg w/ he told abt the affair. We are the next mtg so we are waiting to see what he tells us.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

missymrs80 said:


> Yes, he knows. We literally just found out. We have no proof. Just another family member told us he told them. He has been setting up mtg times w/ each family member. The first family member he set up a mtg w/ he told abt the affair. We are the next mtg so we are waiting to see what he tells us.


Hmm. There's no way that he can reasonably expect that this won't get back to your SIL w/ him telling everyone about it.

Be prepared to compare notes w/ the previous "meetee" (i.e. whoever it was that told you and your husband) after meeting w/ him. It'd be interesting to find out that he'd been putting different versions of his "story" out into the ether... maybe in order to determine who it is that will inevitably wind up telling his wife.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

tell her now. before she catches a disease from him. she will hate you if she catches vaginal herpes next week and you could have taken action today.

there is no time BUT the present. give her all the info you have. everything. 

you would expect the same respect from her if it was the other way around.

and get her here to TAM. lots of folks can help her in so many ways.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Hmm. There's no way that he can reasonably expect that this won't get back to your SIL w/ him telling everyone about it.
> 
> Be prepared to compare notes w/ the previous "meetee" (i.e. whoever it was that told you and your husband) after meeting w/ him. It'd be interesting to find out that he'd been putting different versions of his "story" out into the ether... maybe in order to determine who it is that will inevitably wind up telling his wife.


he's rewriting marital history to look the good guy.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

missymrs80 said:


> Yes, he knows. We literally just found out. We have no proof. Just another family member told us he told them. He has been setting up mtg times w/ each family member. The first family member he set up a mtg w/ he told abt the affair. We are the next mtg so we are waiting to see what he tells us.


I may be wrong, but from the way he's self-exposing, I'm thinking his wife was likely the first on the list.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

missymrs80 said:


> Yes, he knows. We literally just found out. We have no proof. Just another family member told us he told them. He has been setting up mtg times w/ each family member. The first family member he set up a mtg w/ he told abt the affair. We are the next mtg so we are waiting to see what he tells us.


get his wife over for your meeting. bloody coward pig...


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

GTdad said:


> I may be wrong, but from the way he's self-exposing, I'm thinking his wife was likely the first on the list.


He told first person that his wife doesn't know. Why he is telling us & not her...i don't get it.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Q tip said:


> get his wife over for your meeting. bloody coward pig...


Better yet... call SIL just before BIL shows up, dim and screen and mute the mic, and then slip the phone into a shirt pocket.


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

I'd defer to my husband in this situation since it would be his brother as opposed to mine that is cheating. Is it going to drive a wedge between the two of you if you take action? Sounds like the wife is going to know very soon anyway if he is telling the families one by one. He wants to spin his side of thestory before the wife can taint anyone against him but it won't really matter as I don't think anyone will be fooled here.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

My H is the baby of the family and is always of the opinion to stay out of things. His family always treated him as the little kid who didn't know anything (and now he is more educated & successful than all of them- go figure). So when stuff happens in the family, he tends to bow out. He hasn't said anything abt telling her or not telling her yet. I havent brought it up yet. Next step i think is meet w/ BIL.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

Fitnessfan said:


> I'd defer to my husband in this situation since it would be his brother as opposed to mine that is cheating. Is it going to drive a wedge between the two of you if you take action? Sounds like the wife is going to know very soon anyway if he is telling the families one by one. He wants to spin his side of thestory before the wife can taint anyone against him but it won't really matter as I don't think anyone will be fooled here.


If it were MY brother, i would handle this differently. I would call him immediately, tell him I know...tell him to tell his wife and then have her contact me to verify she was told.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Fitnessfan said:


> I'd defer to my husband in this situation since it would be his brother as opposed to mine that is cheating. Is it going to drive a wedge between the two of you if you take action? Sounds like the wife is going to know very soon anyway if he is telling the families one by one. He wants to spin his side of thestory before the wife can taint anyone against him but it won't really matter as I don't think anyone will be fooled here.


This x 100. Your husband should have the final say on how the interactions are handled with his brother's family. A wrong move could create a wedge between him and his family. You do not want to be seen as the cause of this. If a wedge emerges because of brother's actions, you don't want to be seen as contributor to that type of wedge. 

Yes, it is right to be looking out for SIL. Do so where possible. But don't take action that puts your relationship with your husband at risk of being collateral damage.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

I'm going a little different. He is outing himself to family so, I'd wait. As evidenced by many threads on TAM, it may take weeks for a spouse to tell their BS they cheated. I wouldn't make a decision until he talks to you.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Record the meeting when he tells you. Decide what to do with the recording after you hear what he has to say. 

You never know, he may be coming to you to tell you that he cheated and he's going to confess and try to save his marriage and wants you to encourage his wife to forgive him. Yeah, I'm sure that's it. Then he'll ride off on his unicorn farting rainbows.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

From what we have already heard....he is done w/ his wife. He says he is bored. I think he's lost it. 

He isn't even trying to make his BS look bad. He is being a complete d!ck.,i've never seen this side before. He I was always very sensitive & caring. He wasn't OVERLY charming like a sociopath though. I don't know what is going on w/ him. I am very upset by this.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

missymrs80 said:


> From what we have already heard....he is done w/ his wife. He says he is bored. I think he's lost it.
> 
> He isn't even trying to make his BS look bad. He is being a complete d!ck.,i've never seen this side before. He I was always very sensitive & caring. He wasn't OVERLY charming like a sociopath though. I don't know what is going on w/ him. I am very upset by this.



She is not an old sock. You just don't throw away a marriage. He's in the fog. Worst Jerk on the planet.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I think your BIL is going to try to spin a story and re-write his marriage so he doesn't look like a bad guy. I think you should give your SIL a heads up.

This is exactly what my cheating SIL try to do with my BIL (husband's brother). She tried to make a lunch date with the inlaws to give her side of the story, (in other words, bash my BIL), before my BIL could tell them. She was livid when she found out my BIL got to them first.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

CheaterVille :: Don't Be the Last to Know and use the anonymous email to a friend facility they have.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Who is the affair partner? Is she married?

After the meeting I would tell him to never come back to my house again.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

Chaparral said:


> Who is the affair partner? Is she married?
> 
> After the meeting I would tell him to never come back to my house again.




I don't know anything about OW


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

Update: met w/ BIL....he confessed to affair. Seems to be really wanting to D his current wife. My DH and I were pushing the idea of MC or at leasrt IC....he is so against it. He thinks wants he leaves his wife he will be happy. He doesn't like being married. He said he likes to flirt & be w other women. He claims there has only been 1 woman who he has had affair with. 

He is so far gone that my stance is not to tell his wife....he is going to leave her anyway it sounds like & i would rather her not have to deal w/ the trauma of knowing this info. I think DH is having a hard time w/ all of this so i haven't been brininging it up too much to him.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

yah, he is depending on someone else to inform his W. coward POS. some kids never grow up.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

He said he doesnt want his wife to know abt the affair. My ? Is....anything we can do to help him get out of the fog. Where can i find more info on the fog?


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

by telling his wife about the affair. have H contact the entire family and discuss this POS. get them thinking and nuke his arse. dont let his sweetness betray his own W

exposure and shame works well. contact OW H or family too. that their little darling is a home wrecker.

shine the light of truth on all this. cheaters hate the truth. he thinks he can blunt it a bit by his actions.

or, just leave it all be. none of your business. but id let her know by creating a fake named email account and send just one message to her with enough info she will believe.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

missymrs80 said:


> ? Is....anything we can do to help him get out of the fog. Where can i find more info on the fog?


To me, this doesn't sound like the normal "fog" you hear related in many of these threads. 

This sounds like a guy wanting to be single and screw everything on the planet. Unless he said he was in love with the person, this doesn't sound like typical so called fog.


> He doesn't like being married. He said he likes to flirt & *be w other women*. He claims there has only been 1 woman who he has had affair with.


For me, the keyword is "women." Sounds like he wants to party and not grow up. No, if there is more sure maybe he is in he fog. Still, he is showing no loyalty to his wife or the affair partner with that statement.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

I agree with those who say that for now you should stay out of it. He may be the baby of the family but this is your husband's issue. You really have to talk to him about it. If he thinks you should call his SIL, then you can do that. If he'd rather do it, then OK. If he'd rather duck down and not be hit by incoming bombs, I'd bow to his knowledge of his family.


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