# Just found out she cheated on me. Completely devasted! Looking for advice



## shecheated (Sep 3, 2012)

So here it is. My story. I've been locked up inside my head obsessing, agonizing, self-deprecating for the past few weeks, as I replayed the different scenarios that unfortunately brought me here. This post is long winded and I appreciate your patience to read and provide feedback. My hope and intent is that sharing might serve as some sort of therapy as I just once and finally let it all out. Perhaps others can share in some of my experiences and in turn be comforted by the fact they’re not alone. 

Three weeks ago, after too many beers, my wife told me the truth about an affair when we were still dating. The moment of that confession, as many of you can attest, caused the world I know to stop. My heart sank and shattered into a million pieces as it crashed to the floor. I felt like I had been stabbed a thousand times and the blood was emptying out through my pores. I wanted to vomit. I wanted to scream. But mostly I just cried. I felt shocked at first unable to comprehend the words being spoken. I felt like I was living the life of someone else. This cannot be the truth. How? Why? As the truth settled in, the feelings of shock were replaced by being overwhelmed. It felt like I was hit by a bag of bricks. I cannot begin to describe the deep pain, which surged through every vein within my body. My head hurt, my heart felt heavy, my throat was dry, my eyes felt like they were bleeding which brought me to my knees. I just couldn’t believe it. 

Before I go into the details of the sick joke that I call life, I feel as though I need to explain my past to properly set up the stage. I grew up in an extremely religious household. We were taught to believe in God and pray to him. I was absolutely dedicated to my faith. I was taught that if I remain dedicated my life would be positive and taken care of. Life started out fair enough but quickly turned into a series of one sorrow after another. 

I lost my father at an early age due to a very tragic accident while on vacation through a combination of bad luck and complete negligence. I partially hold the guilt of causing his death due to my incessant need for him to switch places with me so I could have the middle seat. This proved to be a critical as his location in the car ultimately determined our ill fate. To this day, I wonder if I was really meant to die and could of saved my sibling and the rest of my family the despair of having to live the life that was to come. If I had been quite and let fate take over, I could have been the person that was taken but saved everyone else from the cursed life yet to come. 

Coming home from the accident was nearly as bad as the actual event.. I failed to mention that my family were immigrants and my father sponsored some relatives from my mother’s side of the family. They were living with us on my father’s dime in our cramped house. They had eagerly accepted my father’s generosity but when it came time to repay the debt, they abandoned us. Having them turned their back on us, I was forced to become the “man” of my family. 

This was followed by years of experiencing the pain of having to deal with an abusive, mean, bipolar mother who refused to accept the facts and deal with life and one who treated me more as a paycheck than a child. I worked a job delivering papers early in the morning each day before school and another three days on the weekend. All the money went to pay for the needs of my family. School was no different. Unable to assimilate due to my background and psychological trauma, I endured years of being bullied. God had let me down, my friends had let me down, teachers had let me down, my family had let me down and the person who was suppose to protect me the most, my mother, had let me down. I was alone in this world and had to be extremely careful on who I could trust and allow into my heart. I felt like a stranger in my own life. On more than one occasion, I contemplated suicide but due to my own fears was too scared to actually once and for all finally stop the slow bleed. 

What had my life become? What was the purpose of all of this pain and suffering? What had I done to deserve such a fate? I decided my life deserved better than this and early on made the decision to leave home after high school and never look back. To this day, I have never discussed that accident or my psychological being that day or any day there after.

Fast-forward a few years. I’m in college away from home, finally able to care for only myself and had begun enjoying life. I still had a deep distrust of people and was careful on what I shared but overall had a good group of friends and loved being out on my own. Drugs and alcohol helped comfort my life. They helped numb the painful memories. While I was on them, I was free to be free. Looking back I realize I was still trying to fulfill my prophecy. It was only after I had popped the pill, snorting the line or smoked the substances that I queried on what it was. I engaged in reckless sexual behavior, going unprotected with complete strangers on numerous occasions. I secretly still wanted to die. Women had come and gone but I was reserved with my feelings so they were short lived. That was until the day I met my future wife with whom I immediately was able to open myself and more importantly share my emotions and life. Here was the person that I desperately needed all throughout my life. Someone who finally understood me. Someone that I absolutely, unequivocally, loved and adored. I had found my soul mate.

The next few years were up and down as is the case with most relationships. I had realized my dependence on drugs and slowly moved away from it. At that point in time, my OCD and anxiety started to surface. I replaced my need for drugs with the need to focus on school …obsessively. Since I never had dealt and gotten closure on my childhood trauma, I decided to go inward and became guarded with sharing my feelings of fear, sadness and despair. I hurt so bad on the inside. On the outside this surfaced as anger. I still adored and loved her as the day we met but wasn’t able to share what came so easily early on. I became mean and distant. I had closed myself off from close friends, I felt alone in the world once again, as she was cold to my aching heart. I contemplated moving on but my need to have her was too strong. Perhaps it was my obsessive-compulsive behaviors that masked the reality on what should have been done. Perhaps it was the fear of the unknown. In reality, I believe it was my need to have someone/something stable in my life. All throughout I remained committed to her. Though there had been opportunities where the warm shoulder of an acquaintance could of progressed into something physical, I restrained and was dedicated to making our relationship work. In hindsight, I question why I did this and have come to accept it was my need to keep the closest thing known as family together. Unbeknownst to me, it was during this time she was sharing her self emotionally and physically to someone else. It was during this time she woke in the morning, looked into my eyes knowing what she was doing, and continued with her days, as nothing was wrong. It was during this time she poured her heart out to stranger while I drowned in my emotions. She got to experience the benefit of lust, being wanted and needed while I suffered and agonized quietly. She carried on as though nothing was wrong. The stories of my pain and abandonment that I had shared with her had become meaningless overridden by her needs of self-fulfillment. Then one unfaithful day, I accidently picked up the phone and overheard the conversation between her and the other man. “How can you stay with him? What about us? What about everything else?” Those words will be permanently etched into my memories. That was the first time I experienced the deep agony that I relived a few weeks back. I immediately confronted her and questioned her motives. Initially she vehemently denied my accusations. She kept stating that they had only talked. It was nothing. He was just a friend. In the end, she admitted to an emotional affair. She explained to me about my absence and her need of feeling alone and him providing moral support. I accepted and decided that I had some fault in this and we should continue our relationship. 

I hope some of you can understand how painful of committing my emotions to paper are. As I think and spell out my words, I get to relive each moment as if it was yesterday. The tears are rolling down and my heart is feeling heavy and alone yet I feel slightly comforted on not having to bottle all this inside my mind. I learned a while back that we are own worst enemy.

Fast-forward a few more years. We have both finished college. We have shared 100’s of experiences, vacations, and life moments. I have a very good job making an upper-middle income. We are married, live in a very high-end suburban neighborhood and have been blessed with multiple children. I still had issues that were never closed out from my childhood but overall had adjusted to attempting to being “normal”. I won’t lie and deny there hadn’t been spouts of depression but was cognizant of this type of behavior and was quick to medicate to resolve it as quickly as possible. Given how life had started, I had made something of myself and was a great provider to my wife and children. The dedication I had shown to her and been extended to my entire family. Somehow life had become livable and decent. 

So now we return to that moment 3 weeks ago. It was Friday night. After a long week, I decided to enjoy some spirits so I could ease into the weekend. My wife being my partner in all things enjoyed some beverages herself. Let me reiterate that I still have extreme issues of trust and abandonment. For some reason or another, I blame the liquor; but I questioned my wife about being faithful. I had queried her before on multiple occasions and she without a doubt, with extreme confidence had stated that she would never, ever, ever do that to me knowing of my past. Expecting the same response, I was floored when she admitted that her emotional affair had also been physical. My mind went blank and body became numb. I saw it in her eyes as they started to swell up and tears started to flow down her face. My world collapsed during that moment. I just couldn’t and CAN’T believe it. 

I asked her when, how long, how many times. She gave me conflicting answers. At first it was 3 weeks then it was a month. At first it was only 3 times of sex and then become between 5 to 10. She told me she couldn’t remember and that it was so long ago. She said she had blocked it out of her memories. She told me how she thought it was better for me not to know given my psychological condition. She told me how bad it had made her feel and how she beat herself up and overcompensated. She swore that was the only time she had been unfaithful. I died on the inside.

I’m overwhelmed by a rollercoaster of emotions. There are some good days but there are lots of bad days. I find myself obsessing, attempting to recreate the situation. I replay the first time they touched. I think about the first time they kissed. I think about how she deceived me. I think about she looked right at my face during those days pretending everything was ok, knowing what she was doing. I think about the first time they engaged in intercourse. I try to image how she felt. The excitement, her heart racing, the lust, the quench of a burning desire. I think about how she wet she must have been waiting for him to go inside her. I think of how he felt being inside of her. I think about the different places they did it. I think of the different positions they engaged in. I think of myself as the idiot schmuck clueless of what was happening. These thoughts make sick to my core but I can’t stop obsessing about them. Unlike a purely physical affair, I know how she must of felt emotionally connected to him. I feel deceived and used. 

I hurt because she couldn’t tell me. She never disclosed the truth so I could be in a position to decide if I wanted to continue our relationship. I’m in pain because we’ve created a life and have innocent children who will be destroyed. I think about the childhood I never had and now the fears of giving that same experience to my own children. I’m SOOOOOOOO hurt and alone. Why now? Why not before we committed our life to each other?

How could she go these many years without telling me? A dark cloud has overshadowed all of our experiences since then. They were not real. How could she hurt me like this? She swears that everything was genuine. She says she dedicated herself to me after that knowing all she wanted was me but the voice inside my head isn’t allowing me to believe her. If she did it once, she could of easily done it more times. Instead of a month, maybe it was months. Instead of handful of times, it was dozens and dozens of times. How could she wait so long before telling me the truth? How could we share all those experiences and life moments and she never told me?

I don’t want to abandon my family and her but I am literally at a crossroad of my life. One door continues me down this life whereas the other is unknown yet possibly promising. One undoubtedly will have negative impacts on my children and their emotional and financial stability. The abandoned child doesn’t want my children to relive my past. There is another part of me, which is hopeful. That side of me says to stay in it and work past this. He is hopeful that we can work this out. He accepts some of the blame and is accountable for his behavior. Then the other side screams loudly and says don’t let her hurt you again. She hurt you before and will do it again. Once a cheater is always a cheater. That is the natural behavior of people; they can’t be trusted. Although I personally was at the same low points (I’d argue even lower), I never stepped outside of our relationship physically or emotionally. She went out while I went in.

I can’t believe what my life has been. Sometimes I feel like giving up. Let me just live and fulfill my destiny of being a failure. Let me hurt them like they hurt me. I can’t trust myself or the people I love. 

I need your advice and feedback on what a “normal” person should do. How do I trust her and believe her? 

TL;DR: Had a crappy childhood coupled with extreme trust and abandonment issues. Everyone in my life had let me down. Met the girl of my dreams. We became a family and life turned around and then it all fell apart. At a crossroad of my life, not sure which way to turn. Your advice is appreciated.


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## Exsquid (Jul 31, 2012)

How long have you been married? How long have you been together. Your ages? Your childrens ages? All helpfull information people may ask. Sorry for your situation. You are sure to gain tons of helpful information here. 

I found about my wife's 2 year long affair 3 months ago. I can only offer information based on what I have experienced thus far. Others are much further out and can be much more helpful. I wish you the best. It's not easy.


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## Exsquid (Jul 31, 2012)

I will say this though. Seek professional individual counseling right now. You have had a lot going through your head for years and a professional would really be able to point you in the right direction.


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## hardtruth (Sep 3, 2012)

So let me get this straight:

She slept with some other guy while you two were dating, you have no evidence that she's benn unfaithful while you were married, and other than that, you lead a good life.

And you're throwing yourself a pity party....why?

Sounds like you ned to man up and exhibit some self control, or you risk losing your wife's respect. At that point, she'll REALLY give you something to cry about.

A better way to have handled it would've been to laugh it off. Better yet, you should've told her how much it excites you to hear that and to tell you more intimate details.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sorry your here brother and you are not alone, many have gone thru some painful crap as kids and now as adults.

I force those evil thought of how my lady banged her boyfriend by forcing them out. Yes, I actually force them out by telling my self "I diserve good things". I went thru this 2-1/2 years ago and I found my self repeating in a hundred time an hour.

So everytime those mind movies come up, tell your self " I diserve good things" over and over again. The mind movies will make you nuts so you can't remove them but you can fight them off with a positive montra that will at least fight them off.


Its hard but do not let what your wife did define what you want out of life. Its not what knocks us down that matters, its how we get back up that counts!

One more thing, working out also helped me alot, for me lifting wieghts helped, but even a stiff jog around the block will help.


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

It does help to write things down, for sure! Sorry that you find yourself here. 
I have the same question though...what is the timeline here? How long were you together before you married, and how long have you been married?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

That was a loooooonng read. 

Sorry that you find yourself here. You seem to have a lot of issues. Since God didn't deal you a good hand, you've lost faith in him. Life isn't all unicorns and rainbows. You seem to have this "woe is me", *victim mentality*. Sorry, but that's how I see it. So now you found out that your wife cheated on you while you're dating and its devastating to you. The way you write, its like the end of the world. Yes, it absolutely freaking hurts. It hurts like no other. 

Despite the novela you wrote, you haven't given much details about your marriage, the only thing you've wrote about is what a tough time you had growing up and how people have screwed you over. How about answering some basic questions?


How long were you dating before you married her?
How long have you been married?
Do you have any children with her?
Do you or she work? What kind of work?
Do you have any evidence to believe that she's cheating right now?
What brought up this confession? And why now?
Are you or your wife in any Individual Counseling (IC) right now?

The vast majority here have been in your shoes. In fact, there are some downright horrific stories of infidelity here. So we do know what you're feeling at this time.


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## shecheated (Sep 3, 2012)

Exsquid said:


> How long have you been married? How long have you been together. Your ages? Your childrens ages? All helpfull information people may ask. Sorry for your situation. You are sure to gain tons of helpful information here.
> 
> I found about my wife's 2 year long affair 3 months ago. I can only offer information based on what I have experienced thus far. Others are much further out and can be much more helpful. I wish you the best. It's not easy.


We've been married for almost 10 years. We were together for nearly that long before we got married. We're both in our mid/late thirties. We have 3 young children all under the age of 10.


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## shecheated (Sep 3, 2012)

hardtruth said:


> So let me get this straight:
> 
> She slept with some other guy while you two were dating, you have no evidence that she's benn unfaithful while you were married, and other than that, you lead a good life.
> 
> ...


Self control? I think I've maintained quite a bit of self control and restraint. No pity party, just attempting to describe the situation so you can better assess and provide suggestions. I'm not disagreeing about my accountability. As far as losing her respect, it really doesn't matter as she has NO respect from me (at least currently). Sorry I'm not into that cuckold crap where I should need to get off on hearing her gory details. I have a little bit more respect for myself and would rather find someone who is committed to me as I am them. 

And I thought this WAS a place where I could get some pity. I would think people that are/have gone through this would be able to understand the different emotions I'm feeling.


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## shecheated (Sep 3, 2012)

So Sad Lady said:


> It does help to write things down, for sure! Sorry that you find yourself here.
> I have the same question though...what is the timeline here? How long were you together before you married, and how long have you been married?


We've been married for 10 years. Had been together for about that long before getting married. This happened roughly 15 years ago. I know it's a long time back but the stinging of the pain is as bad as if it occurred yesterday. 

There's a big part that wants to believe that she's being totally honest but if she took this long to tell me about something, how long will it be before she tells me about more current occurrences.


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## shecheated (Sep 3, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> That was a loooooonng read.
> 
> 
> How long were you dating before you married her?
> ...


1. We were together for nearly a decade before married.
2. We've been married for almost 10 years.
3. Yes, 3 all under the age of 10.
4. She did work but we decided it would be better for the kids and family if she stayed home.
5. I don't have any hard evidence. There have been times where she's commented on how she wishes she would of had an opportunity to be with a black guy. Also has commented out how here inside is different since the kids, etc. She has said some randomly inappropriate things after drinking etc. I discounted most of them as just drunk banter but now I'm questioning everything. 
6. We had been drinking and she stated that she just couldn't hide it any longer. It was eating her up inside.
7. We are not in any type of counseling right now. 

Thanks for your feedback. It's really appreciated.


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## shecheated (Sep 3, 2012)

I agree that my psychological state and behavior might of caused her to feel isolated. I take full ownership of that. I could of actually understood that she cheated given the circumstances had she come clean MUCH earlier.

What hurts is why she just didn't tell me. What would make her wait to tell me? Why after SO many years? She could of told me sometime before we decided to get married. Told me before we bought our first house. Told me before our first child and so on. There were many opportunities to come clean and for me to be able to make a decision about MY life based on FACTS.

I could of walked away, if I so chose to decide to, without impacting my little babies.


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## Exsquid (Jul 31, 2012)

shecheated said:


> There's a big part that wants to believe that she's being totally honest but if she took this long to tell me about something, how long will it be before she tells me about more current occurrences.


Have you actually asked her why it took her so long to tell you? Something just seems a little off here. Knowing her response would certainly help you and the rest of us to try to understand what is going on.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

hardtruth said:


> So let me get this straight:
> 
> She slept with some other guy while you two were dating, you have no evidence that she's benn unfaithful while you were married, and other than that, you lead a good life.
> 
> ...



You American´s seem to have some real strange view´s, in terms what´s
ok,or not while your dating.. So shall i understand it like this?

As long as you just date,Cheating ,having a affair cant be seen then as cheating??:scratchhead:


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

I understand that you may have broken it off with her had you known back then.

From what you wrote, she seems to have rationalized that it was ok because you were not married. She was not as committed to you as you were to her at that time. It seems, from what you've posted, that she later did commit to you, said her vows, and has not given you reason to suspect anything since.

It was cruel of her to lie to you all these years whenever you've asked. Also risky for her, because other people must have been aware, such as his friends, maybe her friends and family, etc., and she knew there always was a chance that this could come out. In the end, she told you herself. Maybe from guilt, maybe she thought you were now able to handle it, maybe she was afraid it would come up soon because of someone you were about to associate with soon.

I think this hurts you more than most because of your childhood experiences.

If it bothers you that much, and it would help you, ask her to take a polygraph. You can ask her if there has been anyone else since, confirm the date it ended, the date it started. Tell her since you may have decided not to have married her if you had known the truth, it IS a big deal to you. Also tell her that her consistently lying about it every time you have asked until now have made you doubt her honesty, as well as her lying to you initially about how many times and how long it lasted.

She still is lying about how many times and how long the relationship lasted. All cheaters do. You have about as good a chance of getting the truth about those things as you do of catching a three-eyed fish. Threat of a polygraph may get you the truth, actual polygraph maybe, too. No guarantee.

Any lies she told you were to protect her, to keep you open as an option, so that you would go through with the wedding, and so that you would not divorce her, as you now are considering. None of the lies she told were for your benefit.

Based on what you posted, I wouldn't destroy a marriage for something she did while you were dating, even though she has directly lied to you about it for all these years.

Tell her you need her to be forthcoming with the truth about all of the details you feel you need to heal. She tricked you into marrying her. Tell her if you find anything else that she is misleading you about, you may not be able to get over it.

Consider seeing a counselor to help you get over your childhood experiences.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

I believe you need to decide for yourself the standards you are going to maintain. And when you have decided that, you'll know what you need to do. 

Your actions and decisions are lessons for your kids and they learn from them.

If cheating is a dealbreaker for you, then move on.

Whatever you decide to do will not be easy. But your standards should help you through it.


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## shecheated (Sep 3, 2012)

Exsquid said:


> Have you actually asked her why it took her so long to tell you? Something just seems a little off here. Knowing her response would certainly help you and the rest of us to try to understand what is going on.


She said that she wanted to on numerous occasions but couldn't because she was a "coward" (her words). She said that she knew how hurt I was from my childhood and the last thing she wanted to do was cause me more pain. Believe me - I've asked her this multiple times but always get this same answer. She said she thought she could make it up me. Be there for me by being fully vested in our relationship, etc. I honestly don't know why it took so long. I had asked her before on multiple occasions, if we had been faithful to each other. Each and every time, she looked me right in the face and said she could never do anything to hurt me like that.

Obviously I was being played like a string on fiddle.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

shecheated said:


> 5. I don't have any hard evidence (of any current cheating). There have been times where *she's commented on how she wishes she would of had an opportunity to be with a black guy*. Also has commented out how her inside is different since the kids, etc. *She has said some randomly inappropriate things after drinking *etc. I discounted most of them as just drunk banter but now I'm questioning everything.
> 6. We had been drinking and she stated that she just couldn't hide it any longer. It was eating her up inside.
> 7. We are not in any type of counseling right now.
> 
> Thanks for your feedback. It's really appreciated.


You kept questioning her about a physical affair all these years. Why? Your "gut" must have told you something was wrong.

What does your "gut" tell you about her faithfulness now?

Keep in mind, it's not likely she is talking about WISHING she could have been with a black man if she ACTUALLY HAD BEEN with a black man. If it actually had happened, she probably wouldn't talk about it any longer. Still, it seems like a hurtful thing to say.


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## shecheated (Sep 3, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> I understand that you may have broken it off with her had you known back then.
> 
> From what you wrote, she seems to have rationalized that it was ok because you were not married. She was not as committed to you as you were to her at that time. It seems, from what you've posted, that she later did commit to you, said her vows, and has not given you reason to suspect anything since.
> 
> ...


Thank you SOO much Will. Your words are extremely comforting to me and you have offered great advice. I will ask her about the polygraph. Like you said, it's hard to really tell how much truth she's actually telling me. She insists she's told me before but previous accusations were met with a similar response. She keeps telling me she really doesn't remember how long it lasted or how many times they had sex. She says it was so long ago and such a negative experience that she closed it off from her memories. I want to believe her since I know first hand what it is to have negative trauma in your life and how you work to forget it. The other side of me tells me she knows exactly how long and how many times it was. Women do not forget these types of things. They have the memory of an elephant especially when it comes to something huge like this. I just don't know how to get the truth out of her.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

shecheated said:


> *She said that she wanted to (confess the affair) on numerous occasions but couldn't because she was a "coward" (her words). *She said that she knew how hurt I was from my childhood and the last thing she wanted to do was cause me more pain. Believe me - I've asked her this multiple times but always get this same answer. She said she thought she could make it up me. Be there for me by being fully vested in our relationship, etc. I honestly don't know why it took so long. I had asked her before on multiple occasions, if we had been faithful to each other. Each and every time, she looked me right in the face and said she could never do anything to hurt me like that.
> 
> Obviously I was being played like a string on fiddle.


This rings true to me. She was a coward. She didn't want to cause exactly what is happening now, and have it disrupt her life, as well as yours. Each time she lied, it became harder to tell the truth the next time, because she had already compounded the original lie and made it worse.


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## shecheated (Sep 3, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> You kept questioning her about a physical affair all these years. Why? Your "gut" must have told you something was wrong.
> 
> What does your "gut" tell you about her faithfulness now?
> 
> Keep in mind, it's not likely she is talking about WISHING she could have been with a black man if she ACTUALLY HAD BEEN with a black man. If it actually had happened, she probably wouldn't talk about it any longer. Still, it seems like a hurtful thing to say.


My gut was telling me but my mind wanted to believe that she was telling me the truth. It was the furthest thing that I would of done to her given her character I believed it was just talking. I think my general distrust of people never let me fully believe that it was talking but my crazy brain convinced me otherwise. 

As far as the comments, I think maybe it's just her guilty conscious coming out or her true desires due to the alcohol. It is very hurtful, extremely to the point where I've been consumed with the thought of her doing that to me. 

One part of me wants to return the favor. I want her to feel how I do. So she can experience the pain I'm feeling. And I don't want a one night stand either. I want to find someone whom I connect emotionally with and then serve her a cold dish of revenge. Each time I think about this, I think about destroying my character. I've never cheated on her. That's something I can say with a clear conscious. As much as I imagine how much she would hurt, I think I would equally hurt in the end.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

shecheated said:


> Thank you SOO much Will. Your words are extremely comforting to me and you have offered great advice. I will ask her about the polygraph. Like you said, it's hard to really tell how much truth she's actually telling me. She insists she's told me before but previous accusations were met with a similar response. *She keeps telling me she really doesn't remember how long it lasted or how many times they had sex*. She says it was so long ago and such a negative experience that she closed it off from her memories. I want to believe her since I know first hand what it is to have negative trauma in your life and how you work to forget it. The other side of me tells me she knows exactly how long and how many times it was. Women do not forget these types of things. They have the memory of an elephant especially when it comes to something huge like this. I just don't know how to get the truth out of her.


To remember a specific number of months and number of times after 15 years, for someone you've truly put in your past and give no current space in your brain for today, does not seem unusual. She should remember about how long it lasted, she should remember about how often they had sex during that time. I don't think women have any better of a memory than men for things that aren't important to them. This is just speculation, though. To find the truth, a polygraph MAY help.

If the guy truly was dropped when she decided you were the one she wanted to spend her life with, I don't think those things are too important, as long as it was not too close to your engagement and wedding. That is how I feel. You have to come to terms with your own feelings.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

shecheated said:


> My gut was telling me but my mind wanted to believe that she was telling me the truth. It was the furthest thing that I would of done to her given her character I believed it was just talking. I think my general distrust of people never let me fully believe that it was talking but my crazy brain convinced me otherwise.
> 
> As far as the comments, I think maybe it's just her guilty conscious coming out or her true desires due to the alcohol. It is very hurtful, extremely to the point where I've been consumed with the thought of her doing that to me.
> 
> *One part of me wants to return the favor. I want her to feel how I do. So she can experience the pain I'm feeling. And I don't want a one night stand either. I want to find someone whom I connect emotionally with and then serve her a cold dish of revenge. Each time I think about this, I think about destroying my character. I've never cheated on her. That's something I can say with a clear conscious. As much as I imagine how much she would hurt, I think I would equally hurt in the end.*


Yeah, about this.

Don't


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

shecheated said:


> My gut was telling me but my mind wanted to believe that she was telling me the truth. It was the furthest thing that I would of done to her given her character I believed it was just talking. I think my general distrust of people never let me fully believe that it was talking but my crazy brain convinced me otherwise.
> 
> As far as the comments, I think maybe it's just her guilty conscious coming out or her true desires due to the alcohol. It is very hurtful, extremely to the point where I've been consumed with the thought of her doing that to me.
> 
> *One part of me wants to return the favor. I want her to feel how I do. So she can experience the pain I'm feeling*. And I don't want a one night stand either. I want to find someone whom I connect emotionally with and then serve her a cold dish of revenge. Each time I think about this, I think about destroying my character. I've never cheated on her. That's something I can say with a clear conscious. As much as I imagine how much she would hurt, I think I would equally hurt in the end.


People who have done this have just about universally said it made things much, much worse.

I would focus on what she could do to make it up to you. There should be some consequence. To start, maybe she could handwrite a letter of apology to you for lying to you back then and compounding it by lying to you all the years since. Maybe she could include in the letter why she loves you and wants to stay married to you.

I would also tell her that you find her "drunken banter" about missing out on being with a black man and her other inappropriate comments hurtful and ask her to refrain from them in the future. If she can't control what she says when she drinks, she shouldn't drink.

Try to use this as an opportunity to strengthen your marriage. Look at the thread on this forum about books to read about infidelity and marriage building. Ask her to read a few.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Exsquid said:


> I will say this though. Seek professional individual counseling right now. You have had a lot going through your head for years and a professional would really be able to point you in the right direction.


:iagree:


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## shecheated (Sep 3, 2012)

I want to believe that returning the favor would make it much worse but that voice that I trusted can't be trusted. My gut, inner voice, id, ego whatever you want to call it has allowed me to believe this could of never happened. 

I feel hurt. I gave up my youth and many opportunities to be committed. I feel so low at this point. I don't have many female friends and this is a no go zone in terms of chatting with my male friends. 

Secretly I truly desire having someone that can understand me, help guide me through this ordeal and reassure me of my manhood. 

Maybe I given up and need something that will just "put the nail in the coffin". I'm just a walking contradiction since on the other hand I want it work. I want my children to have 2 parents in one household. I want to be able to give myself to her but right now that seems like a distant future. 

I've thought about returning the comments by sharing my personal desire and lust for Asian women. Hit her with something that she can't possibly ever be able to be. That way she can feel what I feel when those comments are made.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

We all have our struggles. Do not let them justify your actions for wrong doings. You were a dedicated family man at a young age and you corrupted your merit by drowning out the pain with drugs, alcohol and sex i.stead of letting the pain run its course.

Sir, you are strong, you have been throgh worse, you can go through this. Its dark but i guarantee there will be a point where you will see light in the distance. Let this pain run its course, your emotions will fluctuate, always stay calm and realize that you can only become stronger after this.

Do not relapse, do not resort to drinking, or any coping method. Instead choose to eat healthy and exercise, this is yet another obstacle, grand to most, but minature to you.

Contemplate on how you can improve, how both of you can come closer by discussing the fractures in the marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Try to stay away from vengeful thoughts, thats not love. Remember the real love you need to focus and work on. Revenge affairs hurt you more than they will hurt her, even if you simply state that you wish to have that. I remember a thread of a man who was sexually starved through his youth in marriage, and now that his wife hit her prime she wants him to do what she wants, and he feels cheated. Its a horrible feeling, but make it clear that the truth being exposed was good for her being honest. Stay strong and keep working on your marriage and you will witness it evolve. Agape
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## shecheated (Sep 3, 2012)

I've attempted to stay positive and respectful given the circumstances. She actually commented on how well she thought I was taking it. I wasn't taking it well. I just wasn't exploding with anger and a loss of control. 

Prior to this I had started reading multiple self help books to attempt to understand and resolve my childhood problems. I got into meditation and that has helped me with the vengeful, negative thoughts.

I keep repeating this occurred in the past. Live in the now. Don't dwell on what occurred in the past. Acknowledge it occurred and move forward. No amount of replaying the situation will change the fact that it happened. This pain that I keep recreating is only hurting me. There can be no long term benefit in these types of thoughts. That said, it still is nearly impossible for my mind to gravitate towards those thoughts and feelings. Perhaps time will be the healer. Perhaps not. 

At this point, I just want to finish it and use this opportunity to start fresh. I know I am deserving of love and someone who won't go outside of our relationship when problems arise. I say that I'm deserving but honestly deep down, I don't believe it. 

Another joyful outcome of my past, as if depression, anxiety, trust issues and abandonment wasn't enough is that I have self worth problems. I realized that a while back but just thought this was my fate (grounded in my earlier strong religious beliefs) and there was nothing that I could do. I blame my mother for with-holding love and never loving me as hurt child. There were other travesties committed by her but those are in the past even if they have created my imprint.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Jonesey said:


> You American´s seem to have some real strange view´s, in terms what´s
> ok,or not while your dating.. So shall i understand it like this?
> 
> As long as you just date,Cheating ,having a affair cant be seen then as cheating??:scratchhead:


Of course it's not ok. I think that it's just a lot more likely if your at that college age and still maturing.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

She was a coward that took away the choice of not maarying and having kids with a cheater from you. That is highly manipulative of her.

Who was the OM ? Do you know him?

How long back was this?

What kind of person is she in general?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

delhiprincess said:


> IF my husband cheated I would return the favor.. nothing wrong with that. why the other person get to experience a different thing.
> If you do it, do it but dont tell her that you did it for few years, then if she asked you why you didnt tell her you could answer you wanted to be a devoted husband and thats how you can forgive your sins.
> 
> you have the right to do it. she broke the vows, therefore your marriage vows are broken any way. take asian out of your system. then renew your vows.


Think about consequences beyond the sex part. Some think it is leveling the playing field, but to others it is becoming the same as the cheater that they despise. You just don't someone change you into a cheat. Also bringing a third party into the marriage only makes things worse.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

delhiprincess said:


> I feel this thread is a troll


*Why* do people feel the need to scream: "*TROLL!!!!*" when there is a perfectly good report post button that comes up on every post?:scratchhead:


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

hardtruth said:


> So let me get this straight:
> 
> She slept with some other guy while you two were dating, you have no evidence that she's benn unfaithful while you were married, and other than that, you lead a good life.
> 
> ...


Now, where is that dislike option? What? We don't have one?

Seriously, you've got issues mainly because you talk about *respect* and exhibit no notion that you even know what the word means. If the OP is hurting this bad it is obviously an issue for him. Maybe you think that signing a piece of paper saying you're married erases everything before. The OP doesn't think so and neither do i. As long as a relationship is understood as exclusive then it doesn't matter if the signature on the contract is there or not.


To the OP, you gotta equate if you can live with this or not. I understand the stay for the kids part but i'm telling you, as an educator by profession that rarely works well for them. You either go for a real reconciliation or you better split up.


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## shecheated (Sep 3, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> She was a coward that took away the choice of not maarying and having kids with a cheater from you. That is highly manipulative of her.
> 
> Who was the OM ? Do you know him?
> 
> ...


The OM was a friend of a friend. Big fat piece of ****. When I met him the first time, he gave me odd vibes. I didn't know him but was a mere acquaintance of a friend who I partied with. Somewhere deep down I think he made it a mission to try to connect with my wife by being over the top genuinely interested in her hobbies. I remember him reading a lot and talking about how easily people could be manipulated. He was well read and I believe used her. I feel so angry thinking about that! Not only for the hurt that it's causing me but also for my wife who was used and served his purpose. 

This was roughly 15 years back. Ancient history most would say but for me the sting and pain feels like it happened yesterday. This person who I loved so much and understood deeply completely played me for a fool. I feel like such a loser for not seeing this for what it was. I should of followed my gut but like I mentioned earlier I didn't have complete faith in my self which caused me to doubt my gut. At the end of the day, I ended up believing what I wanted to believe. 

She is the most caring and loving mother. She treats me well but holds a lot of her emotions back. Due to my past, I don't have a problem sharing and she's always been the listener. Recently I've reversed the role and have given her the opportunity to share her feelings more openly with me. I do believe that she loves me but not sure if she's in love with me. Not to toot my own horn but on paper I provide an extremely comfortable life without absolutely any financial concerns. I have a solid job in solid field making low 6 figures. I'm just not sure how much she wants me so I continue to provide her with an above average standard of living or that she truly doesn't want to lose me due to her love.


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## shecheated (Sep 3, 2012)

delhiprincess said:


> IF my husband cheated I would return the favor.. nothing wrong with that. why the other person get to experience a different thing.
> If you do it, do it but dont tell her that you did it for few years, then if she asked you why you didnt tell her you could answer you wanted to be a devoted husband and thats how you can forgive your sins.
> 
> you have the right to do it. she broke the vows, therefore your marriage vows are broken any way. take asian out of your system. then renew your vows.


Believe me..that thought has helped me get through some of the pain that I'm feeling. Part of it would be to hurt her, to get her to feel what I felt where the other part was to make myself feel better about myself. Regardless of all of our problems, I stayed true to her even when more than one opportunity presented itself. During one of my low points, I did mention to her that I could of slept with her friends but didn't because I wasn't a cheater. The only thing that stops these thoughts is that I think it would destroy my character. At the same time, I don't really care sometimes and fantasize about falling into the arms with someone who can understand my pain and offer me the love and support I seem to be lacking right now. I don't think I could keep it from her and like others mentioned the guilt would end up eating me up inside. But who really knows how one would react if put into such a situation. It might end up making me feel better and be able to forgive her since I equaled the playing field.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> I'm just not sure how much she wants me so I continue to provide her with an above average standard of living or that she truly doesn't want to lose me due to her love.


That should be fairly easy to evaluate if you ask her to sign a post-nup renouncing the financial assets she would be entitled in case of divorce, telling her that its a step into rebuilding your trust in her. If she signs it without question she is probably into you for feelings. If she just starts backing from it then you may have a serious gold digger problem. 

The post-nup agreement probably won't hold water in court or anything, but it is, i think a good test on her commitment to the marriage itself (or the financial benefits that come with it).


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

sinnister;1040564[B said:


> ]Of course it's not ok. I think that it's just a lot more likely if your at that college age and still maturing[/B].


i Was just wondering.Because this type of responses 
seem to be quite common. Gives me the impression some time´s.

Like"shopping" around.is something you can sadly expect.

Like this post



Originally Posted by hardtruth 
*So let me get this straight:

She slept with some other guy while you two were dating, you have no evidence that she's benn unfaithful while you were married, and other than that, you lead a good life.

And you're throwing yourself a pity party....why?*

Sounds like you ned to man up and exhibit some self control, *or you risk losing your wife's respect. At that point, she'll REALLY give you something to cry about.*

A better way to have handled it would've been to laugh it off. Better yet, you should've told her how much it excites you to hear that and to tell you more intimate details.:scratchhead::scratchhead:


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

I just wanted to apologize for some of less supportive remarks so far. I can relate to your life very well and I'd sure feel hurt if I came here for support and revealed such a tender subject only to be ridiculed.
I'm sorry she cheated but it was before marriage and not worth breaking a family over. Just keep an eye out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

hardtruth said:


> So let me get this straight:
> 
> She slept with some other guy while you two were dating, you have no evidence that she's benn unfaithful while you were married, and other than that, you lead a good life.
> 
> ...


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

shecheated 

Is *HARDTRUTH* someone you know?? little odd, Reg account the sam day as you. And give ****head answer


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## shecheated (Sep 3, 2012)

Jonesey said:


> shecheated
> 
> Is *HARDTRUTH* someone you know?? little odd, Reg account the sam day as you. And give ****head answer


No (s)he's not anyone that I know. I thought it was quite a f**cked up answer given this is a site where you come to discuss, share and gather feedback regarding such issues. I just discounted it as troll behavior but didn't give it much thought.

It is interesting that person registered today to reply to my post!!!??


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Get that confidence up sir. She can go drink all she wants around you but do not trust her drinking around other people is what is important.


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

I wouldn't divorce right off the bat on this one either. I think you would regret that but since this is D-day for you, its not a 15 year old already healed wound. It is fresh. I think you must make her run through some of the gambit (but not all) that WS's do under more current infidelity just as a punishment/deterrent for this behaviour and for your own sense of justice. 

For example: MC, IC for you, apology letter and some time apart - just to make her sweat it out a bit and show her that you are strong enough to not lean on her for emotional support. I couldnt respect myself if I didnt calmly stand up for myself given this far off past affair and show my utmost disgust for her lack of character given her continued dishonesty and betrayal. I might even spend some time apart just to make her sweat and pine for me.Then after that I would make some demands about how I want things to move forward in the relationship. I would want complete honesty and sincere apologies for past and current transgressions (including her rude comments), her motivations and MC.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

I hate to directly contradict another piece of advice but be wary of "time apart"
Some people (like myself) have terrible abandonment issues and if left, our only coping mechanism that isn't self destructive is to consider the person gone for good out of our lives. For me, "present time apart" works equally as well but it doesn't involve actually leaving. It's disconnecting for a while, withdrawing into yourself with minimal contact with spouse to sorta mull things over. 
Your wife may not be like I am, but if you were to walk out of my life physically you had better plan on not returning. Ever. But if you just walk out of my life in your mind it's different. I know you're still there but you need to be away in every other regard. Is she like this? Do you know? Would you roll that dice?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## shecheated (Sep 3, 2012)

hotdogs said:


> I hate to directly contradict another piece of advice but be wary of "time apart"
> Some people (like myself) have terrible abandonment issues and if left, our only coping mechanism that isn't self destructive is to consider the person gone for good out of our lives. For me, "present time apart" works equally as well but it doesn't involve actually leaving. It's disconnecting for a while, withdrawing into yourself with minimal contact with spouse to sorta mull things over.
> Your wife may not be like I am, but if you were to walk out of my life physically you had better plan on not returning. Ever. But if you just walk out of my life in your mind it's different. I know you're still there but you need to be away in every other regard. Is she like this? Do you know? Would you roll that dice?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I guess I'm like you. I don't want to walk out completely. I did look into short term living options but decided to stay in the house so my kids didn't know what was up. I have distanced myself from my wife so I can spend some time alone contemplating what I need to do. I also don't want to engage with her so she thinks I'm some kind of pushover willing to forgive her behavior and pretend like nothings wrong. If and when I plan to leave, I'm going to make sure that I'm pretty sure that I (at least at that point) have not intentions on returning.


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## shecheated (Sep 3, 2012)

Just a couple more developments. Nothing major but I thought I'd share just to see what others thought. I didn't talk to her the whole long weekend. I just kept to myself and read as much as I could on this site and some others. I told her I needed some time alone and that I couldn't look at her face. After reading some feedback from other sites, I was infuriated based on what they said. I did call her out and ask why she thought she could this to me. I repeatedly stated that I deserved more of an explanation. That she owed that to me not only as a husband and a friend but as human being.

I just cannot for the life or me understand why she took so long to tell me? If there is anyone else out there that can help shed the light, please do me the kind service and explain why someone you love and adore, are committed and dedicated to can without such information for soo long. She keeps saying it was her and had nothing to me. She keeps saying she was a coward and could live with hurting me. I called bull**** and demanded for a real answer. Maybe this is the real answer. Maybe this can't be answered..I really don't know. 

If she had cheated and told me, at least I would be in a position to determine my fate with her. She withheld this information and now after we committed to each other through marriage, have built a life, have multiple kids, she decides to unload this onto me. 

Does anyone have any idea how someone can be so callous yet say repeatedly they love you and are sorry? 

I would of walked the ocean for this woman. I opened my heart, my soul, my finances and anything and everything I could so we could be a single cohesive unit. 

I can't believe how much she has hurt me. The pain is indescribable. I cannot concentrate on anything, always consumed with the images of what took place. 

How do I get past this!!!????


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## tonyarz (Sep 15, 2012)

How is your R going? Any new developments? I hope all is going well.


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