# How is it possible to "love someone but not be in love w/them"?



## BIGJ (Mar 12, 2009)

I hear this all the time. Or the classic:" I've fallen out of love with him/her", huh? how is this possible? seriously, can anyone give an honest answer to these? I see it written all the time, and hear it from friends and so forth.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

That means they love them in the bigger picture sense of security, maybe being a good parent, good partner, but they don't lust after them. They have selectively chosen a few areas to feel/show love for that person rather than as a whole in every way.


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## BIGJ (Mar 12, 2009)

I had an ex gf tell me this once(I wanted to marry this girl, and thought she wanted to marry me too, till she pulled a huge screwup, and left me). I said" I dont understand", She said" I love you, I'm not in love w/you".

My guess is....someone who is like this, will be like this with everyone @ some point? I mean, her hubby can be the greatest guy in the world, but eventually, they will get tired of each other. I wonder if she will "love him" then?


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

Big,

Do the research on relationships.

Lust
Love
Life

Three phases.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

It means that you care about the person and their welfare, the way you would a friend or a relative, but you don't lust after them sexually and as a romantic partner. It totally happens.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

MsLady said:


> It means that you care about the person and their welfare, the way you would a friend or a relative, but you don't lust after them sexually and as a romantic partner. It totally happens.


Yes, this is the exact meaning. Nothing more nothing less. As human beings, we like to pretend we are so sophisticated that we are above the simplicities of the animal kingdom. 

Feeling in love is all about hormones. After the first few years of a relationship, it can fade if it is not FED. My wife and I are falling in love again, after having had a very confusing and muddled time in the middle!


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

BIGJ said:


> I hear this all the time. Or the classic:" I've fallen out of love with him/her", huh? how is this possible? seriously, can anyone give an honest answer to these? I see it written all the time, and hear it from friends and so forth.


id say in my case, or cases. i usually get to the point of falling out of love when long standing issues have tried to be dealt with .
these long standing issues were not resolved.
then the fight for the relationship can come to an end and the fight isnt important to keep the relationship or marriage together.
i find i want internal peace not internal yr long fighting in my heart. 
if a marriage is to work , it has to come from both parties to want it bad enough.


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

Bottom line,

No love no relationship/marraige.

90 yr old coule in love that is a realtionship.

Give up on the spin of words.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

I'll give you an example from personal experience. I got to a point with my ex wife that I lost much of my respect for her. For about seven months before I helped her move, I had no interest in her sexually. I had won a trip to Hawaii and here we were in the most romantic setting you can imagine and I had nooooooo interest. I still loved her as a person and cared for her welfare but I was not in love with her anymore. If you've ever seen "Brigdes Of Madison County" (clint eastwood movie) it touches on some of this.......and a lot more.


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## BIGJ (Mar 12, 2009)

justean said:


> id say in my case, or cases. i usually get to the point of falling out of love when long standing issues have tried to be dealt with .
> these long standing issues were not resolved.
> then the fight for the relationship can come to an end and the fight isnt important to keep the relationship or marriage together.
> i find i want internal peace not internal yr long fighting in my heart.
> if a marriage is to work , it has to come from both parties to want it bad enough.


Great post! Reminds me of the relationship we had. Weird thing though9and i still cannot get over this), is WHY it happened the way it did?

I mean, if you tell someone "I love you, I dont care about anything else, I just want to be with you, and spend the rest of my life w/you", and then, the next minute, you're breaking up(w/o even giving it another try, or wanting to), then how am I supposed to feel? You know? Im totally confused, even 5+ years later.

You just dont do that to someone you supposedly "love". Everyone has problems/falws in their relationships, thats what teamwork, and being in love is all about. You do whatever it takes to make things right, at least thats my interpretation of a relationship.

Trust me, she was no angel either, she's not easy to get along with, and looking back, I admit i couldve handled things a bit differently than I did @ the time. But, I was head over heels in love with her, and thought she was too. When she pulled what she did, it hurt me beyond all repair, to this day, Im still confused/hurt/disgusted/angry @ her for what she did, and their being no closure for so long. Only to find out the reasons behind it, were so horse****, it makes me even madder.


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

Big,

Trust me, you will be scratching your head and confused 25 yrs from now.

Love you today, gone tomorrow.

And no there is no relationship when love is gone.

I am friend to fellow males, and do not love them.

If I need to love my spouse as a friend there is no rleationship.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

I think it's very possible. Just don't call it a marriage. 

I can having a loving (not in love) relationship with my kids, my friends my family. But I don't think it's healthy in a husband/wife 
relationship.

My husband informed me last night he still wants to be 'friends' but no longer WANTS to love me or be in love with me. Says he 'cares'. 

Feels like BS.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I recognize that "in love" is really about lust. But there is "marital love" and "platonic love." I love my kids, siblings, parents. I even love my husband. But I do not love my husband as a wife should love her husband. He has refused to make changes that I needed, and what I felt for him is gone, having needed more nourishment that it didn't get. So I can love him, care about his welfare and HATE that I am causing him unhappiness, but does this mean I need to forget about MY needs? B/c to keep him happy, i have to give up what is important to me.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

Sisters,

I hope we can mix some "in love" lust in with the marital love!  As for the rest, I think over time we are seeing an evolution in relationships. With women being more and more independent and social views of marriage and family changing, I think the traditional marriage is fading. It might be that some/many people are with different partners for different parts of thier lives. The term "starter marriage" is common today. After that there might be the person you had your children with and later there maybe one or more other people that fit you better as you changed and your partners changed. I know this is not a model that a lot of people like but as I read more and more posts on this forum I begin to think it might be a new reality as people are less willing to live lives of quiet desperation then they used to be.


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## BIGJ (Mar 12, 2009)

snix11 said:


> I think it's very possible. Just don't call it a marriage.
> 
> I can having a loving (not in love) relationship with my kids, my friends my family. But I don't think it's healthy in a husband/wife
> relationship.
> ...


My relationship w/her almost to a tee. Tells me "I love you, Im not in love with you".......then, marries someone else months later. I found out the reasons why 5+ years later, and then she says"I never meant to hurt you". You can't be serious can you? I mean, after what she pulled, she has the gall to say "I never meant to hurt you"?


It is very much "BS", and she comes off now to me as a huge: FRAUD/LIAR/SCAM ARTIST. To think, I wasted/invested 3.5 years of my life w/this person, only to find this out later?

My guess is(and Im so hoping it does happen this way, sorry gang, but I do) when this guy's done with her, she'll somehow be back in my life again?(so I can tell her to F&^K Off) it never fails with me, happens w/every single ex gf I've ever had.


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

i love you, but not in love w/ you is a load of sh!t. it just sounds better than i've outgrown you and i can do better


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## psnuser12 (Oct 6, 2008)

Shoto1984 said:


> Sisters,
> 
> I hope we can mix some "in love" lust in with the marital love!  As for the rest, I think over time we are seeing an evolution in relationships. With women being more and more independent and social views of marriage and family changing, I think the traditional marriage is fading. It might be that some/many people are with different partners for different parts of thier lives. The term "starter marriage" is common today. After that there might be the person you had your children with and later there maybe one or more other people that fit you better as you changed and your partners changed. I know this is not a model that a lot of people like but as I read more and more posts on this forum I begin to think it might be a new reality as people are less willing to live lives of quiet desperation then they used to be.


I firstly want to say that there's is no way we are going to see eye-to-eye on this issue, but this is just my opinion about this (with a sense of humor)


Well, I personally see this as a problem. I mean, I have heard a lot of times that "women killed chivalry," which I personally agree with but women still act like women telling men that we need to do this and that, saying "you don't take me anywhere anymore," and men thinking "you have more money than me, you never take me anywhere." But to me women want to be so independent these days that they don't need men anymore... so the moment the woman notices something wrong with the guy... it's a huge deal. Oh, he has a hygiene problem and he won't change (even though I knew he had the same problem before we got married) or whatever it could possibly be...

A while ago, women were still able to hold a job and take care of a family and rely on the husband but now women are being fed a lot of bull$hit from other women who don't know what the hell they're talking about. Women get too much advise about men from other women. You see it in these so called "beauty magazines" you roll by the aisle and you see "100 ways to please your man by... Some Lady." And the whole time, men are thinking come on man... that list is 4 things long... just suck his ****, play with his balls, fix him a sandwich and don't talk as much and we men will be happy. I gotta give props to Dave Chappelle for most of that because he was the first man I heard to make this known outloud.

P.S. This is not a "evolution in relationships," it is very much a de-evolution and it's very sad how much the people of this country have become desensitized to the idea of divorce.


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