# Best time to confess?



## TheSeeker (Jun 7, 2010)

Hello, my first post here... lurked for a bit and saw some great advice that really got my wheels turning. 

I cheated twice, once before we were married and once after... both times were just sex. I realize this isn't something I want to bury or rationalize my way around... I want to confess to her and hopefully start fresh and build our marriage on honesty (if she wants this as well). My main concern now is that she is 9 weeks pregnant with our first child. In this situation what would be the best time frame to confess such a BIG thing? I don't want to cause stress that could possibly hurt the pregnancy. Right now everything is moving along well, she has no diseases... nor do I. So I know I don't need to tell her for that reason, it would be for the reason of her knowing all and for us to hopefully rebuild what I screwed up. Also, she has no clue about either times, if she does she hasn't said anything to me... we're not fighting, things are fine on the homefront (although it eats me up the choices I made).

Thanks for any advice.


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## lbell629 (May 10, 2010)

hmmm..that is a tough one but I'm of the mind sooner rather than later...that way you have time to work on things and go to counseling for a while before the baby is born and you're not dealing with this during the stress of a newborn.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

I wouldn't suggest you ever confess. I don't know why you want to hurt her that way. You say you want to tell her "_. . . for us to hopefully rebuild what I screwed up_" but what did you screw up? You haven't told us you screwed up anything. In fact, you tell us your marriage is fine, so what are you saying you screwed up? You should have said, "for her to know *THAT I* screwed up" but you didn't. So I wonder if you are trying to screw up your marriage. You are hell bent on causing her more pain than anyone can imagine unless they've been through it, and you talk about having screwed up something that didn't happen. So what is it you are trying to do? Make her lose the baby? A sane person with no ulterior motive would know in advance such a confession can never be forgotten so even if she decides to forgive you, she has to live the rest of her life with that memory and that pain. You already know this. So what is your ulterior motive? Are you trying to screw up your marriage? Have you gone nuts with the thought of the impending birth of your child? I think you know in your heart you are going to do this again, so you are you trying to show her the awful person you truly are? She has a long pregnancy ahead, plus six weeks after that you won't be able to have sex. You already know what you are planning to do. How far off the mark are you about to tell me I am?


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

Are you confessing for her or you? You'll feel better. But it will kill her. Bad idea.

Unless, on the other hand, you are going to cheat again. If you're giving odds, I'm putting big money on "yes". You see, 25 years and I've NEVER cheated on my wife. Not even a little. First kid, so you're young and you've got 2 so far.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Why did you cheat? You cheated before you married her, why? You cheated after you married her, why? Validation?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I tend to agree with lbell629 and RWB, that you know the answer within your own heart. If you do not confess, you are controlling her by not allowing her to have all the information necessary to make decisions for her life. If you do not confess, you are building your marriage on fraud, and when she does discover it (whether that's tomorrow or ten years from now) it will be just as painful and fresh as if you did it today--PLUS she'll know that you looked her in the eye and lied to her all that time. 

So since you do know that complete personal transparency is the way to go, and since you already sound like you have faith in your wife and want to give her the respect to make her own HONEST decisions... the question is not whether your should tell or not. The question is when? The timing issue is due to the very young pregnancy and not wanting to harm the new child. 

About 80% of miscarriages happen before the end of the first trimester (that's week 12). I am a big believer in telling her the truth "the sooner the better" but I'll be honest--I wouldn't put the life of the child at risk for it. Thus, I would advise telling her in about 3 weeks when the pregnancy is a little more firm, some morning sickness is decreasing, and some energy is returning. During pregnancy she may be hormonal and extra sensitive emotionally, but I think waiting beyond that will be disastrous (she'll already feel physically uncomfy and unattractive) and after a newborn is even worse!! So right around week 12, I'd tell her and be prepared. 

Lay in some supplies. There is a reason why we say there's an Infidelity Diet and that's because after finding out something this big and shocking, you can't eat! But being a new mom she'll have to eat so stock up on soup and protein drinks (hey at least it's nourishment she can choke down). Also buy lotion Kleenex--when she cries they will not rub off the skin of her nose and eyelids. 

Plan on doing whatever she says. Not that you should accept revenge, but if she says jump you say how high? If she says marriage counseling, have the list of folks in your area, who's in your insurance, and make the time to go. Period. If she says take time off work...take time off work. Just do it! Okay?

Finally, plan on taking at least a mini-vacation just the two of you once the initial shock has worn off and she's beginning to realize you sincerely love her and want to work it out for real. Even if it's just a long three-day weekend, you two will NEED that very badly to reconnect and just get away from all the hurt and drama--go somewhere fun that she just LOVES. So plan on that so that...if you have to request time off two weeks in advance, be aware that it's coming and you really should do it for her.


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## wifeinlove (Apr 29, 2010)

TheSeeker said:


> Hello, my first post here... lurked for a bit and saw some great advice that really got my wheels turning.
> 
> I cheated twice, once before we were married and once after... both times were just sex. I realize this isn't something I want to bury or rationalize my way around... I want to confess to her and hopefully start fresh and build our marriage on honesty (if she wants this as well). My main concern now is that she is 9 weeks pregnant with our first child. In this situation what would be the best time frame to confess such a BIG thing? I don't want to cause stress that could possibly hurt the pregnancy. Right now everything is moving along well, she has no diseases... nor do I. So I know I don't need to tell her for that reason, it would be for the reason of her knowing all and for us to hopefully rebuild what I screwed up. Also, she has no clue about either times, if she does she hasn't said anything to me... we're not fighting, things are fine on the homefront (although it eats me up the choices I made).
> 
> Thanks for any advice.


From someone who has been in your wife's shoes- *dont tell her when she's pregnant!!!! *Not at 12 weeks not at 30 weeks!!! Not until the baby is safely born. Dont risk the life of her unborn child. So many things can go wrong in pregnancy from miscarriage, to pre-term labour, its not worth the risk....I believe that if she goes into shock, there is a chance your child wont survive! 

Im all for the truth- but not at that price. Its not the right time. *Wait at least until she has the baby*.... and maybe a little after until her hormones settle and she got into a feeding routine with the baby. it might be better for her to bottle feed because if she breastfeeds- her milk might stop like mine did.

Seeker, my husband has been cheating on me our entire married life- most of the time random sex, twice- 2 recent short relationships. I was completely faithful and in love the entire time. He told me when my youngest was 10 months old. I went into shock. I couldnt eat. I couldnt sleep. My milk supply stopped. I had to stop breastfeeding and baby wouldnt take a bottle. My baby would cry all the time- because he just wasnt getting enough food. I cried non stop. You get the picture. It was the worst time in my life. *Im glad he didnt tell me when I was pregnant.*

*Its not worth the risk! Even if its 1% chance of it happening. Lie to me, cheat on me.... but leave my baby alone. *

By the way, some doctors will say that there is correlation between miscarriages/stillbirth etc and stress.... some doctors will say there isnt. But logically speaking, from a biological point of view, extreme stress can cause our bodies to think- ok somethings wrong- I dont have enough resources to support this child... abort. Also, its a know fact that a females period can stop or can become irregular when they are stressed, because your body doesnt want to become pregnant in a fight/flight situation.... so why wouldnt your body do this when its already pregnant. Its a survival mechanism.

I hope this helps.


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## TheSeeker (Jun 7, 2010)

thanks to all for the input, my instincts were telling me that if I were to confess, to wait until the baby was born but a lot of what Affaircare said makes a lot of sense as well. 

Why did I cheat? it was a way of coping with stress that I developed years before meeting my wife. I would fight the urge but then it got the best of me, twice. My wife knows about this, but obviously not about the cheating. To Susan, not sure what crawled up your ass but I just wanted advice on timing, assuming that confession was the best policy. You're insinuating that I am trying to kill my child and end my marriage? can you read? don't vent your frustrations on me, I didn't cheat on you.

Why am I telling her? for me or for her?... both, I guess. Why does anybody confess? for the good of the situation I would imagine? I'm 99% sure she would never find out, it really was just sex... nothing emotional or ongoing. If I confessed it would be more for the "give her the choice" theory... rather then the "lift up my guilt" one, although it would obviously make me feel better to tell her. I'm seeing a lot of mixed opinions on this forum. Don't tell, tell... confession is the only way to have a true marriage, I would never want to know... LIE TO ME. Very confusing, but I realize everybody is different. I personally like to do things the right way... but I'm not sure what the right way is at this point. I'm going to wait until all is good with my child and then take it from there. 

Cody, not sure what your point is in telling me you've gone 25 years without cheating... I'm so short in and I f*cked up twice, yeah... that's what the situation is. I'm here for advice, not d*ck measuring... congrats to you. I would imagine you've had lustful thoughts? if you are a religious man, that's considered cheating. If you aren't, well... I guess you dodged that bullet  and will I cheat again? no, I won't. I need help, not odds.

thanks again for the advice.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi there seeker, 
There are a lot of people here that were betrayed by their spouses, you can't imagine the pain we feel because of it......
I feel sorry you have yourself in this position and I'm proud of you for owning it and wanting to do right by your wife in an honest manner....
Betrayed spouses want that so badly and to be able to trust their spouses......
Once you tell her and I vote for waiting until the baby is born and things are good for all involved.....
Tell her that you feel so much guilt and that you just want to clean the slate for you two and your new baby.....
Understand that she will go through a lot of pain because what she believed to be true about you will no longer be the truth.....
It's hard to comprehend that your spouse could choose someone else to have sex with when you thought it was just a sacred thing between the two of you....
She might walk out on you, she might not be able to live with such news, it takes a lot of work on both parts to get over something like that......
Please, you have to know that if you can't commit to never letting it happen again, then you have to tell her that too so she can make the best decision for herself and her new child.....
Give her complete access to all your communication and whereabouts, tell her you will work through this however she choses and that you are in the wrong and that it was nothing she did to cause this, she will feel insecure and wonder what is wrong with her for you to step out of the relationship....
It opens so many questions, answer them all for her without hiding anything, be honest as to why, where, who and understand her hurt and pain.........it will be your job to smooth things over and to love her more than ever, through her anger and hurt however many times it takes and for however long that will be.......
good luck and I'm glad you are trying to do the right thing for your family......


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## TheSeeker (Jun 7, 2010)

Thank you Jessi, very solid and helpful advice!!

I understand there are many women and men who have been betrayed, but projecting that anger onto me won't help their situation or this forum. The best forums to help others are those that don't play judge or jury, but that give well thought out advice as you just did.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Yep I agree -- and I'd even go so far as to say that my advice of 12 weeks was more like "Good heavens don't tell her now" because the shock is so great there is good likelihood she'd lose the baby. During the 9 months of pregnancy is some time you could be rebuilding, and once the baby is born, that first year is pretty much sleepless and exhausting. So if you choose to not tell her during pregnancy you're likely looking at a couple years wait--which is lying to her for a couple years (the pregnancy year and maybe until the baby is around 1 just so you both can catch up on sleep...seriously). I personally can see positives and negatives to telling at the end of the first trimester...and waiting until baby is about 1. So I think that's up to you to decide now, TheSeeker. I'd say let your conscience be your guide there, and I personally tend to lean toward "sooner is better".


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## TheSeeker (Jun 7, 2010)

yeah, I just learned of a friends sister having a miscarriage at the 12th week... I'm not saying anything while she is pregnant. I will have to just keep it bottled up until the time is right, be it 1 or 2 years from now. 

Thanks Affaircare, solid advice!


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

I think that is a good idea Seeker. I'm not quite sure if it would truly ever be best for the marriage to tell her or not - it would certainly create a lot of pain that for her that doesn't currently exist. Obviously not making it three would be wise.

In the mean time, between now and your decision making time a year or so off I might perhaps suggest you work on strengthening the marriage in other ways. Learn how to communicate better, learn each others love languages, learn what love busters are and how to avoid them.

Certainly would make you, your wife and your new baby happier! After all what better example could you give your new child than showing them how to love and respect each other. What better experience that to grow up in a loving household?


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## TheSeeker (Jun 7, 2010)

I know... and I of all people should have been thinking about this prior to my acts. My household was not loving, far from it... I never really thought I would be a father but I certainly don't want to be a bad father. I agree with your assessment OneMarriedGuy... I will use this time to focus in on my issues and what lead me up to doing what I did and to communicate better. I'll look into this love busters you speak of, not sure what you mean by love language but I'll google that as well.

Thanks.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

TheSeeker said:


> Why did I cheat? it was a way of coping with stress that I developed years before meeting my wife. I would fight the urge but then it got the best of me, twice. My wife knows about this, but obviously not about the cheating. To Susan, not sure what crawled up your ass but I just wanted advice on timing, assuming that confession was the best policy. You're insinuating that I am trying to kill my child and end my marriage? can you read? don't vent your frustrations on me, I didn't cheat on you.


Of course I questioned your motives. What kind of person would even wonder about telling their wife such a thing during pregnancy? I questioned practically everything and for good reason I see. You say it was a mechanism for dealing with stress, which means you'll do it again and you know you will. You will do it for the reasons I stated and for all the reasons that cause stress in your life for the rest of our life. Pregnancy can be stressful for both parents, and the months following baby's arrival is near torture, particularly for the new mother. She will be stressed to the limits and will in turn stress you out, in addition to the baby stressing everyone. Add that to you won't be getting any coochie? So what of your coping mechanism then? What of it during all the other times in life that you feel stressed?

I'm not frustrated about anything, Seeker. I had to question not only your motives, but the purpose her knowing will serve. It will make you feel better and relieve the guilt somehow but only for the moment. The purpose of you telling her is so she knows how you are, not what you did. So next time you want to "cope" you can just blow it off with "Oh well, she knows how I am." 

I knew there was ulterior motive. Your post simply made no sense to me. It was disguised as a guilt-ridden plea for advice, but it's much more than that. It's all so clear now - why you want to tell her, why you said you screwed up something that isn't screwed up (yet), and noting your confession might mean the end of your marriage with "_if she wants this as well_".

Most of your replies concur that you should confess, just not now. My reply was to question your motives for wanting to hurt her like that because I can't see telling her you did something she knows nothing about and something that does not affect her life until you tell her. So thank you for being pissed at my questioning and for answering me. Now I see that telling her you cheated is not the only thing you need her to know, just like I stated. You know you're going to do this again, so you need her to know how you are. That's where respecting her right to make her own decisions concerning her life comes in. So go ahead and tell her how you are (after the baby). But, don't disguise it as a confession of past mistakes. Fully explain it is your coping mechanism for which you need help, seek professional help, and beg her to understand and stay with you. Well, I'm still not sure you want that last part.


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## TheSeeker (Jun 7, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> Of course I questioned your motives. What kind of person would even wonder about telling their wife such a thing during pregnancy?


which is why I came here to ask that question and not just confess without getting some opinions. If I confessed and popped on here to say "hey all, I confessed to my pregnant wife... aren't I something?" then I would agree with you.


Susan2010 said:


> I questioned practically everything and for good reason I see. You say it was a mechanism for dealing with stress, which means you'll do it again and you know will. You will do it for the reasons I stated and for all the reasons that cause stress in your life for the rest of our life. Pregnancy can be stressful for both parents, and the months following baby's arrival is near torture, particularly for the new mother. She will be stressed to the limits and will in turn stress you out, in addition to the baby stressing everyone. Add that to you won't be getting any coochie? So what of your coping mechanism then? What of it during all the other times in life that you feel stressed?


I agree with you, knowing the problem is half the battle. You saying "I will do it again" is a safe assumption based on human behavior and odds, not much of a revelation there. Yes, I need help... not denying it.



Susan2010 said:


> I'm not frustrated about anything, Seeker. I had to question not only your motives, but the purpose her knowing will serve. It will make you feel better and relieve the guilt somehow but only for the moment. The purpose of you telling her is so she knows how you are, not what you did. So next time you want to "cope" you can just blow it off with "Oh well, she knows how I am."


she already knows "how I am"... she doesn't know "what I did"... telling her will be crushing to her, but it would be done to give her the choice on how she would like to proceed, not so I can do it again and have an excuse (twisted psycho-babble if you ask me). If I wanted to do it again, I would and I wouldn't tell her a thing. 



Susan2010 said:


> I knew there was ulterior motive. Your post simply made no sense to me. It was disguised as a guilt-ridden plea for advice, but it's much more than that. It's all so clear now - why you want to tell her, why you said you screwed up something that isn't screwed up (yet), and noting your confession might mean the end of your marriage with "_if she wants this as well_".


wow... either you are brilliant or completely nuts (sometimes the two aren't so far apart). You got all that from me seeking advice about the best time to confess to cheating? of course I feel guilty, I wouldn't be here if I didn't... yes, I was asking for advice, BIG SHOCK!!! Any confession to cheating might mean the end of a marriage, why am I being judged because of that reality? and I screwed up our vows, she doesn't know about it (yet)... when she does know, she can decide for herself if moving forward is what she wants (isn't that the point of confession?). I don't want our marriage to end if that's what you are twisting my post into. I'm kinda confused here... I want to do the right thing so that means I want to lose my wife? so, if I don't do what's right... I get to keep her but then she is living a lie? hmm... perhaps internet forums really aren't the best places for this kinda stuff.



Susan2010 said:


> Most of your replies concur that you should confess, just not now. My reply was to question your motives for wanting to hurt her like that because I can't see telling her you did something she knows nothing about and something that does not affect her life until you tell her. So thank you for being pissed at my questioning and for answering me. Now I see that telling her you cheated is not the only thing you need her to know, just like I stated. You know you're going to do this again, so you need her to know how you are. That's where respecting her right to make her own decisions concerning her life comes in. So go ahead and tell her how you are (after the baby). But, don't disguise it as a confession of past mistakes. Fully explain it is your coping mechanism for which you need help, seek professional help, and beg her to understand and stay with you. Well, I'm still not sure you want that last part.


I can appreciate that last part, she does know how I am... again, the only thing she is unaware of is the actual cheating. So I wouldn't need to re-explain the psychology of it, but rather go through the appropriate steps of fixing my problem.

although I find your approach a bit generalized & rude, thank you for the input and for your time in posting to me. I'm guessing you were cheated on?


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

You keep saying she knows how you are but doesn't know what you did, but the two are synonymous and congruent. So how can she know one and not the other? Which means she doesn't know how you are. She doesn't know what you did as a result of the behavioral conditions that she is aware of. A person who is aware would also be mindful of the behaviors the condition cause. Not only does she not know that you cheated, but she has no idea and no expectation that you will cheat.....and will again. My point was to face and confess all of it and seek professional help. Replying to me again with mockery and sarcasms won't harm me in the least. Remember, I'm not the one you cheated on. I'm not the one sitting in the *sooooo do not deserve this* line.


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## TheSeeker (Jun 7, 2010)

You're doing this "tough love" thing without having a clue of who I am or who my wife is or what her and I know of one another. How can you? I never went that far into my life with you... all you know is that I cheated and I am seeking advice about that, the end. Everything else you have said is text book and not fact. Besides this secret, my wife knows EVERYTHING there is to know about me, including my past and everything that has happened in my past. She knows of my issues and how I would cope with them. So, to be as sincere as possible and not seem sarcastic or mocking... you are wrong.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

TheSeeker said:


> I'm guessing you were cheated on?


I didn't see your question before so maybe you added it in editing. No, I was never cheated on. Close, in that my ex husband attempted to kiss another woman. When I saw them, they were drawing near for the kiss. It didn't mean anything to me except to think he must have been nuts to think it was okay. He spent our divorce and many years later saying he "never did anything" to me. It meant nothing to me because I was already finished with him. I had already made arrangements to move out and was just a couple days away from fully executing my plan.

Did that answer your question in thinking I must be taking my frustrations out on you, and probably all cheaters too, huh? Nope. No frustrations here although my heart goes out to your wife and everyone in her position. Frustration has nothing to do with my replies to you. I said your post didn't make sense, and it didn't. Clearly there was more to the story and more to your motives. I knew that part because it's what I picked up from your post, and I was right as you later divulged. Speaking of frustration, it's time you stop taking yours out on me for pulling your whole card. So what, you've been discovered. Hopefully, you will take my advice to tell your wife she is to expect your cheating in the future, and hopefully you will seek professional help.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

TheSeeker said:


> You're doing this "tough love" thing without having a clue of who I am or who my wife is or what her and I know of one another. How can you? I never went that far into my life with you... all you know is that I cheated and I am seeking advice about that, the end. Everything else you have said is text book and not fact. Besides this secret, my wife knows EVERYTHING there is to know about me, including my past and everything that has happened in my past. She knows of my issues and how I would cope with them. So, to be as sincere as possible and not seem sarcastic or mocking... you are wrong.


Okay. It's fine with me if you keep contradicting yourself while claiming she "knows EVERYTHING" ...... "except this secret." If she knows you have some kind of coping condition but does not know that you cheat and will continue cheating as a result of the condition, then she does not know EVERYTHING.


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## TheSeeker (Jun 7, 2010)

prior to the cheating, she knew everything about me as a person, what makes me tick... my issues, etc. Since the cheating, she no longer knows everything about me... the cheating wasn't that long ago. I'm not that much different as a person, except now I have this secret I feel I should confess. I will continue to cheat as a result? if I don't change my behavior, sure. I would like to change my behavior... I personally can think of better things to do with my time then seeking strangers advice on confessing to my wife, if I can avoid all of this cheating business it would be a great day for me.

Susan, do you understand what I'm saying now? my wife knows in the past I've been with random people and did stupid sh*t for my own personal reasons. She just doesn't know about the cheating in which I seek advice on, the cheating was done within' the past 3-4 months... we've been together for about 4 years. So prior to 4 months, she knew everything about how I am... I slipped and now I need to tell her what I did.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

TheSeeker said:


> it was a way of coping with stress that I developed years before meeting my wife. I would fight the urge but then it got the best of me, twice. My wife knows about this, but obviously not about the cheating.


Seeker, you don't see (or don't accept) that I understood you the very first time with my first response to you. I understood you before you confessed it in the above statement. I just didn't know specifically what it was, but I understood you well and well enough to know there was more to the story and that you will cheat again. Read my first reply again and you will see how well I understood you. You don't have to keep saying it.

We don't have to keep going around this same corner. I don't want to keep being this deeply invested in your domestic situation. But I feel like you continually drag me back in with your contradictions. Now you're saying it was only less than 4 months ago, when initially you said you cheated once before the marriage and once after the marriage, neither of which she knows anything about. You're beginning to find justification but there is nothing justifiable for cheating on your wife. She knew you slept around before your relationship with her, but she has no reason to think or know you slept with other women after you and she got together. Again I will say.....because she does not expect you to sleep around during your marriage, then she does not know how you are. You keep trying to tell me she knows how you are. No she doesn't. She knows how you were. She has every right and reason to think you changed with commitment to your relationship. I am asking once more that you tell her so she clearly understands that you never changed. That you are the same person. That you are still being with random people and doing stupid sh*t for your own personal reasons. She knows that is your past. She has no idea it is her present and her future.

This whole thing has been about nothing more than me asking you to be completely honest with her so she knows what to expect and can make decisions concerning her life based on full disclosure. Confessing you slept with someone else is not full disclosure. Confessing what you did, that you will do it again, and that you need professional help is full disclosure.



TheSeeker said:


> if I can avoid all of this cheating business it would be a great day for me.


Please. Please get seek counseling. For the health of your wife and your child and yourself.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

TheSeeker~

WOW!  I just wanted you to know that I am so sorry for the treatment you've received here. 

In your original post, as an adult who is intimately involved in your own marriage, you had reached the decision on your own to speak to your wife about this, so I see that you weren't asking us for opinions on whether your should or should not confess. Nor did you ever ask for an indepth analysis of your moral character! Your question was simple: "I have decided to confess, and due to a very early pregnancy when might be the best time." 

I can't speak for everyone here, but I can say for myself that I recognize you are adult with the ability to make your own decisions based on your morals, and to also experience the consequences of the choices good or bad. I'm just so sorry that your relatively simple post and question was treated so harshly and I hope you realize that is not how the community at large is here. Do we accept infidelity? NO WAY. Do we condone it or defend it? No! But we also don't blame, judge, or try to control people either. 

So what can I say? Wow, I hope you'll consider that we do have an option here on TalkAboutMarriage called the Ignore List. That's for people who are toxic to you so you don't have to read anything they say on the forum. You would click on the name, go to the Public Profile, and in the User Lists drop down, click "Add to Ignore List."


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## tonnywillgram (Jun 8, 2010)

the best time to confess is when you are ready to talk about it, communication is the key!


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

I'm in the minority here too and say DON'T DO IT!!!

*Go to counseling, go see a priest, go get a diary, write it out in a Word.doc and give it a password, but in my belief you will crush her!! 

Many will say well your marraige is a lie if you don't say something! I say 100% bologna in a situation like this.....pregnant etc.

I wish you the best of luck and I've told my wife 100 times if you mess up, have a 1 night stand, fill in the blank, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!! You find a way to deal with it don't mess up my wonderful little Utopia.

Of course like many here she feels the opposite I wish you the best of luck!!

**I see your willing to wait 1-2 years after reading all of the posts.......1-2 years might be fine.......you can make a .doc showing the date so when you do tell her....she can see it's been on your mind for years, but you didn't say anything becaue of the baby/pregnant etc.

Good luck......again I were you wife don't tel me


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## wifeinlove (Apr 29, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> So if you choose to not tell her during pregnancy you're likely looking at a couple years wait--which is lying to her for a couple years (the pregnancy year and maybe until the baby is around 1 just so you both can catch up on sleep...seriously). I personally can see positives and negatives to telling at the end of the first trimester...and waiting until baby is about 1. So I think that's up to you to decide now, TheSeeker. I'd say let your conscience be your guide there, and I personally tend to lean toward "sooner is better".


Affaircare, I agree with you that sooner is better- but not in this case. At 12 weeks, miscarriage decreases- but so many things can still go wrong.

I've had a lot of friends that have lost their babies... 16 weeks, 35 weeks, full term. Its something that you never ever get over. Even if she looses it for unrelated reasons, Seeker and his wife will forever be carrying around the burden that maybe it had something to do with his confession.

My husband told me, after he confessed, I wanted to tell you when you were pregnant- but I was scared something might happen to you... and I said. THANKGOD YOU DIDNT! That is one thing I dont regret.

It also gave me time to enjoy my baby and pregnancy. Gosh, imagine being pregnant for the first time and having to deal with all this. Having a baby is such a special time and its something you only really get to do once or twice. Dont ruin it for her. Let her enjoy the pregnancy, let her bond with the baby- enjoy that once in a lifetime experience and when baby is say a little stronger/bottle fed.. then tell her.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

The love language mentioned is Gary Chapman's The Five Languages of Love.
You mentioned stress as your reason for cheating. Please understand that a baby is on the way and stress will be at an all time high!! 
You mentioned you cheated not too long ago. Was this perhaps after learning of the pregnancy? How long did it go on?
I commend you for recongnizing your faults and I really think counseling is in order. What happens when the baby arrives and you feel more stress than you have ever felt? What then?


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## wifeinlove (Apr 29, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> TheSeeker~
> 
> WOW!  I just wanted you to know that I am so sorry for the treatment you've received here.


Seeker, Im with affaircare on this one.

So sorry about the treatment you've received here. It took a lot of courage to put your story up here and seek advice.. and I hope some of these responses dont ruin these forums for you. I have received a lot of good opinions here.

Also, you mentioned that you tend to cheat as a stress response.. I understand this. My husband is the same, he has realised his cheating issues have come from his own personal issues and have become a very bad addictive coping mechanism of dealing with some bad stuff. 

He is seeing a psychologist and is finding it very helpful. It has helped him regain control of these stress impulses.. I would recommend, see a good psychologist, find practical ways of coping with stress, deal with the personal issues/emotions... sometimes vowing to yourself to never doing it again isnt enough. he wishes he did this sooner, it would have prevented so much heartache.

I think, commiting yourself to being a good husband- devoting yourself to her and this baby, getting the help/support you need not to cheat again- is the only thing you can do right now... until the baby is born.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

wifeinlove said:


> ...I've had a lot of friends that have lost their babies... 16 weeks, 35 weeks, full term. Its something that you never ever get over. Even if she looses it for unrelated reasons, Seeker and his wife will forever be carrying around the burden that maybe it had something to do with his confession.
> 
> My husband told me, after he confessed, I wanted to tell you when you were pregnant- but I was scared something might happen to you... and I said. THANKGOD YOU DIDNT! That is one thing I dont regret.
> 
> It also gave me time to enjoy my baby and pregnancy. Gosh, imagine being pregnant for the first time and having to deal with all this. Having a baby is such a special time and its something you only really get to do once or twice. Dont ruin it for her. Let her enjoy the pregnancy, let her bond with the baby- enjoy that once in a lifetime experience and when baby is say a little stronger/bottle fed.. then tell her.


You know...you make a wise and strong argument there wifeinlove. I've lost two myself and you're right, you don't ever get over it, so in this instance I think you have an EXTREMELY good point I didn't consider. I hope TheSeeker hasn't been run off.


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## lbell629 (May 10, 2010)

Seeker - just know that with your decision to wait, that even though you will work to build up your marriage for a couple of years before telling your wife, be prepared for her to go back and question this entire time. Even though things will be good for you, know that she might very well say that what you've worked to build means nothing to her (and this is to say that you still need to do it). I would suggest that you print out these threads to show your wife that you desired to communicate with her about all of this, but you were concerned about her and the baby. It may/may not help.


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## TheSeeker (Jun 7, 2010)

wifeinlove said:


> Affaircare, I agree with you that sooner is better- but not in this case. At 12 weeks, miscarriage decreases- but so many things can still go wrong.
> 
> I've had a lot of friends that have lost their babies... 16 weeks, 35 weeks, full term. Its something that you never ever get over. Even if she looses it for unrelated reasons, Seeker and his wife will forever be carrying around the burden that maybe it had something to do with his confession.
> 
> ...


Thank you. Yeah, I really don't want to ruin this time for her... we are both so happy and she is besides herself. Like I mentioned, my friends sister just had a miscarriage at 12 weeks and it's scary to think that's a possibility.



Brennan said:


> The love language mentioned is Gary Chapman's The Five Languages of Love.
> You mentioned stress as your reason for cheating. Please understand that a baby is on the way and stress will be at an all time high!!
> You mentioned you cheated not too long ago. Was this perhaps after learning of the pregnancy? How long did it go on?
> I commend you for recongnizing your faults and I really think counseling is in order. What happens when the baby arrives and you feel more stress than you have ever felt? What then?


The stress i've been under could take up an entirely new thread. The cheating was two different times (2 days total), with two different people (not friends, just sex). I was safe and as I said, as of now.. I have no STD's... and I've never had one, I've always practiced safe sex. My wife just had massive blood work done and was tested for everything and nothing came back for her either. The first time was a couple of months before we got married and the second time was a couple of months after. My entire family basically disowned me for deciding to go ahead with my wedding plans (they weren't at the wedding) still haven't spoken to them since December. So, yeah... I was overwhelmed and stupid.



wifeinlove said:


> Seeker, Im with affaircare on this one.
> 
> So sorry about the treatment you've received here. It took a lot of courage to put your story up here and seek advice.. and I hope some of these responses dont ruin these forums for you. I have received a lot of good opinions here.
> 
> ...


thank you, this is what I am thinking as well. I know I need help, I never practiced self control as a young man... I need to learn the tools when times get tough for me. Glad your husband is doing better and has been learning how to manage his issue and that you are by his side.



Affaircare said:


> You know...you make a wise and strong argument there wifeinlove. I've lost two myself and you're right, you don't ever get over it, so in this instance I think you have an EXTREMELY good point I didn't consider. I hope TheSeeker hasn't been run off.


lol... No, still here. Yeah, I have my issues and I was selfish to do what I did but I am a considerate and good person and I know I can be a good husband and a good father. I want this pregnancy to be as smooth and as joyous as it possibly can be. Thanks again!!


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## TheSeeker (Jun 7, 2010)

OhGeesh said:


> I'm in the minority here too and say DON'T DO IT!!!
> 
> *Go to counseling, go see a priest, go get a diary, write it out in a Word.doc and give it a password, but in my belief you will crush her!!
> 
> ...


I've thought about this option as well... it's always said to be the easy way out... but I would imagine if you are truly remorseful and feel terrible about what you did, there ain't nothing easy about it. I'll take this time to focus on being a better person and see how things feel when all is safe with her pregnancy. I hear what you are saying and I don't think I need to date stuff for proof, besides this situation I'm a pretty honest person and value honesty.


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## TheSeeker (Jun 7, 2010)

lbell629 said:


> Seeker - just know that with your decision to wait, that even though you will work to build up your marriage for a couple of years before telling your wife, be prepared for her to go back and question this entire time. Even though things will be good for you, know that she might very well say that what you've worked to build means nothing to her (and this is to say that you still need to do it). I would suggest that you print out these threads to show your wife that you desired to communicate with her about all of this, but you were concerned about her and the baby. It may/may not help.


yeah, I think I can just show her this thread if it comes down to that.


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## TheSeeker (Jun 7, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> I didn't see your question before so maybe you added it in editing. No, I was never cheated on. Close, in that my ex husband attempted to kiss another woman. When I saw them, they were drawing near for the kiss. It didn't mean anything to me except to think he must have been nuts to think it was okay. He spent our divorce and many years later saying he "never did anything" to me. It meant nothing to me because I was already finished with him. I had already made arrangements to move out and was just a couple days away from fully executing my plan.
> 
> Did that answer your question in thinking I must be taking my frustrations out on you, and probably all cheaters too, huh? Nope. No frustrations here although my heart goes out to your wife and everyone in her position. Frustration has nothing to do with my replies to you. I said your post didn't make sense, and it didn't. Clearly there was more to the story and more to your motives. I knew that part because it's what I picked up from your post, and I was right as you later divulged. Speaking of frustration, it's time you stop taking yours out on me for pulling your whole card. So what, you've been discovered. Hopefully, you will take my advice to tell your wife she is to expect your cheating in the future, and hopefully you will seek professional help.


Clearly you have something going on, nobody gets this bitter to a complete stranger for no reason. Either you are lying and you were cheated on, you were cheated on and you were never told about it and the suspicion drove you mad enough to flip out on strangers looking for advice, or you're just a man hater. I know, I'm wrong again and you have me all figured out, can't win can I?



Susan2010 said:


> Okay. It's fine with me if you keep contradicting yourself while claiming she "knows EVERYTHING" ...... "except this secret." If she knows you have some kind of coping condition but does not know that you cheat and will continue cheating as a result of the condition, then she does not know EVERYTHING.


I never cheated on her before this... and I never cheated on anybody else before this. So, she doesn't know I cheat and I will cheat again. I've made it a habit of having random sex with people who don't mean **** to me, she knows about this... she doesn't know that I ****ed up. Is this really not sinking into your brain? are you going to tell me I'm contradicting myself AGAIN and that you are repeating yourself AGAIN? go get laid would ya.



Susan2010 said:


> Seeker, you don't see (or don't accept) that I understood you the very first time with my first response to you. I understood you before you confessed it in the above statement. I just didn't know specifically what it was, but I understood you well and well enough to know there was more to the story and that you will cheat again. Read my first reply again and you will see how well I understood you. You don't have to keep saying it.
> 
> We don't have to keep going around this same corner. I don't want to keep being this deeply invested in your domestic situation. But I feel like you continually drag me back in with your contradictions. Now you're saying it was only less than 4 months ago, when initially you said you cheated once before the marriage and once after the marriage, neither of which she knows anything about. You're beginning to find justification but there is nothing justifiable for cheating on your wife. She knew you slept around before your relationship with her, but she has no reason to think or know you slept with other women after you and she got together. Again I will say.....because she does not expect you to sleep around during your marriage, then she does not know how you are. You keep trying to tell me she knows how you are. No she doesn't. She knows how you were. She has every right and reason to think you changed with commitment to your relationship. I am asking once more that you tell her so she clearly understands that you never changed. That you are the same person. That you are still being with random people and doing stupid sh*t for your own personal reasons. She knows that is your past. She has no idea it is her present and her future.
> 
> ...


this whole thing was about some crap that happened to you years ago that I had nothing to do with, now you're trying to spin it for the sake of your forum friends and make it seem like you care "get help please"... yes, I will... no thanks to you and your horrible way of communicating to people. Perhaps you need to go get help, it's not just about cheating and betrayal you know, you can get help for being an a-hole.


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## TheSeeker (Jun 7, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> I hope you'll consider that we do have an option here on TalkAboutMarriage called the Ignore List. That's for people who are toxic to you so you don't have to read anything they say on the forum. You would click on the name, go to the Public Profile, and in the User Lists drop down, click "Add to Ignore List."


I have considered it... and will take you up on that


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

TheSeeker said:


> I've thought about this option as well... it's always said to be the easy way out... but I would imagine if you are truly remorseful and feel terrible about what you did, there ain't nothing easy about it. I'll take this time to focus on being a better person and see how things feel when all is safe with her pregnancy. I hear what you are saying and I don't think I need to date stuff for proof, besides this situation I'm a pretty honest person and value honesty.


While it may be the easy way out for you...it may ALSO be the easy way out for her. Talk to different people and they would say that telling her was the easy way out for you. You see that way you free your conscience by being honest, she then has the hell to face of now knowing. I must admit I'm torn between the honesty thing and the causing your wife huge amounts of pain that will possibly never heal. 

I hereby make you Catholic and as penance for your sins I charge you with truly seeking out The five love languages and love busters and possibly even counseling to make your marriage and family stronger, more enjoyable and making your home a place everybody want to be because they feel loved, appreciated, respected and enjoyed.

There...now you don't feel let off so easy do you? Seriously, while this will be work, it is the kind that will reward you as well as your whole family befitting.


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## TheSeeker (Jun 7, 2010)

LOL, I actually am Catholic (although a skeptic when it comes to the bible). Yeah, my in laws have a home so warm and welcoming, my home life growing up was the complete opposite. I don't want that for my family... I will truly seek out the 5 love languages and love busters and learn them. Thank you.

edit: been going through the "Love Busters" and to follow it correctly, I would have to open myself up completely and confess what I've done when the time is right. Even without having this thing to confess, there are a ton of other things we should be going through as well... this seems like a great start of building a productive (and happy) marriage. I will know it inside and out and prepare for when the time is right. Just ordered both books.

Thanks again to all who have stepped in to give their advice and opinions, really has helped give me focus and clarity.


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## Chris H. (Jan 27, 2007)

There are a lot of valid points here in everyone's posts. I think Susan was confrontational in her first post, but she has some very valid points that may serve you to take a hard inner look at. If I were you, I wouldn't get defensive on this. You don't have to prove yourself to anyone on this forum. Just accept the feedback you receive and understand that there will be some negative feelings towards you for being the cheater.

I sometimes feel that the marriage would be better off if the cheater were to deal with his or her pain on his own, and work to become a better spouse in the future through therapy. By remaining faithful and working on your relationship from here on out, you could do a tremendous service to the marriage by not burdening your spouse with the pain of your past actions.


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

I'd suggest dong the love languages first. That way you will know how to direct your efforts better. I really think involving her in this would be great. I would think she would be thrilled to know you want to learn how to show her love better and that you want to have your child grow up in a home that is unlike your parents and one that hopefully is even better than her parents.

Once you know how to show your love to her more efficiently then take a look at the love busters to see how things you may do can void the efforts made.

I say involve her because she will first probably be thrilled, second it will let her learn more of you as well.

Be forewarned she may ask "WHY", I've tried to help you a bit above for the answer there. I'd say, until at least a year goes by do not give in to the urge to fess all. As you learn to love her more the guilt will grow and grow - I guess living with that will be part of your penance as well  . She has the baby and post partem blues to deal with already in that period ... you'll have to man up on the guilt thing and bear the burden. Remember though, in a sense the more it hurts the better you've done you job of learning how to love her and be a better husband/father.

I wish you the best


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## TheSeeker (Jun 7, 2010)

Well noted Chris, I'm going to begin working on myself and educating myself. It's a bit contradicting to read this stuff and then hear I should keep it to myself from others... I'm really confused to be honest but realize opinions are varied. But I do have time to figure it all out while my wife is blissfully unaware in the meantime.

I've acknowledged Susan's valid points and thanked her for them. I don't need to accept rude comments and I have every right to be defensive when assumptions are being made of me that are inaccurate to serve her theories. I'm not a number, I'm a person who made bad choices and I am paying the price and will continue to do so. Kick me while I'm down? yeah, thanks for the help. For the confrontational approach to be warranted this section would have to be called "Coping with being cheated on"... otherwise it serves no purpose and probably hurts more then it helps.


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## TheSeeker (Jun 7, 2010)

OneMarriedGuy said:


> I'd suggest dong the love languages first. That way you will know how to direct your efforts better. I really think involving her in this would be great. I would think she would be thrilled to know you want to learn how to show her love better and that you want to have your child grow up in a home that is unlike your parents and one that hopefully is even better than her parents.
> 
> Once you know how to show your love to her more efficiently then take a look at the love busters to see how things you may do can void the efforts made.
> 
> ...


this sounds very accurate to what I envisioned my future efforts will entail. I was worried about her wondering why I was getting so involved in these books and her knowing me inside and out, she may feel tempted to ask if I am hiding something. This will be tough, but I will eventually explain I was being protective while she was going through so much with the baby. Boy oh boy, what a mess I got myself into, anyway... thanks for the help.

Edit: I told her last night that I ordered those books. She laughed and asked why? I told her because I know I have much to learn about communication and I want to be the best husband and father I can be. She said she has no doubts in her mind that I will be a great father and I've been a great husband and that she feels we communicate fine (wow, the guilt began to set in). Anyway, it was a nice moment but I sure wish it could have been tainted free... this is where the not telling theory being the easy way out is proved wrong, nothing easy about not being able to share at that moment.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

*Edit: I told her last night that I ordered those books. She laughed and asked why? I told her because I know I have much to learn about communication and I want to be the best husband and father I can be. She said she has no doubts in her mind that I will be a great father and I've been a great husband and that she feels we communicate fine (wow, the guilt began to set in). Anyway, it was a nice moment but I sure wish it could have been tainted free... this is where the not telling theory being the easy way out is proved wrong, nothing easy about not being able to share at that moment. *

I agree with you a hundred percent. Not telling her Seeker is hard, but hard for you, and easy for her. Telling her is initially hard for you, but potentially eternally hard for her. I think this is a burden you need to bare YOURSELF. You said you're Catholic, well think of it as your penance. I think shame can be ok if you use it to change behavior that are negative or damaging. So shame away, and everytime she tells you what a good husband you are feel "guilty" but also feel blessed that you have such a wonderful wife. 

It sounds like you are doing everything to become a better husband Seeker, and I truly commend you for that. It's obvious you love your wife and you harbor sincere remorse. It's also obvious you were a little immature at the start of you relationship with your wife. That's regrettable, but it's also unchangeable. Reading your posts however, I can sense that you're growing in the right direction, and you've already made the decision to not do this again.

I can't imagine what would be different if you told your wife, other than she would suffer enormous pain Seeker. I am completely into honesty, so be honest with yourself Seeker and adopt strategies to keep this from ever happening again, such as:

1)avoiding situations where you are alone with a woman 
2)speaking constantly about your new kid to be and your lovely wife 
3)not confiding private or sensitive information about your relationship to females at work etc
4)fostering a content and grateful heart towards your wife
5)continuing to work on your communication and emotional connection with your wife

Mistakes are one thing, vices and habbits are another thing entirely.
We learn from mistakes, and we're destroyed by vices. From everything that you've wrote, I believe this was a mistake that you won't be repeating. Take this one before the Lord, and then to your grave.

LIL


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## TheSeeker (Jun 7, 2010)

mommy22 said:


> Okay, to confuse you even more, I'll add my two cents!  I was the cheater and I confessed. I confessed because I didn't feel like it would be a marriage if it was based on lies. If he chose to leave me then I was prepared for that. Honesty is crucial within a marriage. I knew it would tear him up, but also considered in the off-chance how much it would kill him if he somehow found out on his own. I didn't think it was likely, but how much more unfair of me would it have been of me to live in a lie only for him to find out some other way. He would've probably never trusted me. Whereas, because I did go to him in honesty, he knew I knew what was at stake and knew my sincere remorse. He later told me that the fact I'd been honest had helped him move past it.
> 
> I wouldn't recommend confronting any woman while pregnant, however. She needs your total emotional support during this time. It's crucial that her stress remains minimal. She could definitely lose the baby after 12 weeks.
> 
> In the meantime, seek counseling for yourself. If you're at all religious, talk to a pastor. You need to work on being the man she needs and deserves.


thanks for your story and point of view 



lastinline said:


> I agree with you a hundred percent. Not telling her Seeker is hard, but hard for you, and easy for her. Telling her is initially hard for you, but potentially eternally hard for her. I think this is a burden you need to bare YOURSELF. You said you're Catholic, well think of it as your penance. I think shame can be ok if you use it to change behavior that are negative or damaging. So shame away, and everytime she tells you what a good husband you are feel "guilty" but also feel blessed that you have such a wonderful wife.
> 
> It sounds like you are doing everything to become a better husband Seeker, and I truly commend you for that. It's obvious you love your wife and you harbor sincere remorse. It's also obvious you were a little immature at the start of you relationship with your wife. That's regrettable, but it's also unchangeable. Reading your posts however, I can sense that you're growing in the right direction, and you've already made the decision to not do this again.
> 
> ...


thank you for your point of view.

Wow, lol... it's amazing how two opinions can differ so much yet both hold so much validity. I'm going to get myself into counseling... got a list of the providers within my network and will start that soon. Last in line, you make great points but although what I did was a HUGE mistake... I do feel, it, having been a habbit/vice from my past that it actually will be a vice/habbit if I don't seek help for it. It was obviously more powerful then my love was and it's not something I can handle on my own, I know this. We actually have to get remarried because I had legally changed my name recently and it won't show up on our license as it now is unless we are remarried. I realize this won't take the place of a confession but (for me) it's a way of having a new starting point to do what's right this time around. I'm torn with everyone's theories on whether to tell or not... I think the best thing to do is see if not telling is affecting our relationship and how I approach it. If it is, in fact, an emotional barrier as many have stated... I will confess but if I feel things are running smooth and my confessing is just to ease my conscience, I may have to just live with it.


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