# Am I crazy???



## JessieP (Feb 28, 2012)

So as a backstory my husband cheated on me almost 3 years ago, will be 3 years in Feb. I was devastated but chose to stay with him and work things out since he was honest about everything and stopped contact with her completely. We live across the country now and he has a new job. Last night I was playing on his laptop looking at houses and I came across his browsing history....porn, cam girl sites, etc. I got mad and he knew right away why. Truth is I told him I'm not mad about the porn or jerking off....I get it, it's normal. Hell as a women I do it too...what I WAS mad about is the fact that I feel like when and IF we get to have sex it's just pity sex. I told him this and we sort of made up. 

Last night however I also snooped through his Facebook messages, 3 of which were conversations with girls he works with. I didn't read all of them due to time but from what I could tell they were innocent. Now today I get on his laptop and look at his messages and they're gone. He deleted those conversations! 

Am I crazy for thinking he's hiding something or is he just being cautious since I got mad last night?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Porn isn't cheating, so I wouldn't be especially worried about that. 

FB conversations with women can be innocent, or not. I have FB conversations with women and they are innocent. 

The one (but significant) read flag is that he deleted the messages. Could be hiding something, or could just be cleaning up his account.


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## JessieP (Feb 28, 2012)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> Porn isn't cheating, so I wouldn't be especially worried about that.
> 
> FB conversations with women can be innocent, or not. I have FB conversations with women and they are innocent.
> ...


Thanks for the reply....I guess I'm just sensitive about him talking to other women all day at work and then also messaging them via Facebook. I don't message any guys via Facebook out of respect for my husband. It just seems secretive that he went ahead and deleted them now too. I'm afraid to call him on it since I'm going to look like the crazy jealous wife. In my defense I never acted like this BEFORE he cheated on me.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

It could be nothing. He could make a periodic purge of his FB messages, and you happened to check around that time.

It could be everything. I personally know someone who maintains communication with her AP solely through FB Messenger.

No one size fits all answer for you until you have more information, unfortunately.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

JessieP said:


> So as a backstory my husband cheated on me almost 3 years ago, will be 3 years in Feb. I was devastated but chose to stay with him and work things out since he was honest about everything and stopped contact with her completely. We live across the country now and he has a new job. Last night I was playing on his laptop looking at houses and I came across his browsing history....porn, cam girl sites, etc. I got mad and he knew right away why. Truth is I told him I'm not mad about the porn or jerking off....I get it, it's normal. Hell as a women I do it too...what I WAS mad about is the fact that I feel like when and IF we get to have sex it's just pity sex. I told him this and we sort of made up.
> 
> Last night however I also snooped through his Facebook messages, 3 of which were conversations with girls he works with. I didn't read all of them due to time but from what I could tell they were innocent. Now today I get on his laptop and look at his messages and they're gone. He deleted those conversations!
> 
> Am I crazy for thinking he's hiding something or is he just being cautious since I got mad last night?


He knows your looking now so *probably* doesn't want to cause any upset hence why he deleted them but you will have to be vigilant for next few months and check on everything to make 100% sure.

It sucks but he has history


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Same as what the others said. Could be something, but could just as easily be nothing.

I never delete FB messages or texts, the only two ways I communicate with personal acquaintances electronically, purely as a trust mechanism with my wife. It's not like you need to delete them for space saving reasons anymore, so why delete?

But yes, it's odd that he deleted them within a day of your anger, and possibly discovering that you had looked at them. Honestly if I had to guess, I would guess that the messages were mostly innocent, but maybe there was some conversation he didn't want you to see. Not like full blown affair stuff (though yes, it's possible) but maybe he discussed you or his marriage privately with one or more of them, or there was some flirting here or there, etc. The kind of thing that probably wouldn't threaten the marriage if you found out, but you'd probably still be upset about. Since he certainly knows you were snooping, it makes sense that he would double-down on being more careful. I'm guessing all of this purely based on your having seen parts of those messages and feeling that what you saw was innocent. I think if an affair or something were happening, most of the messages from one or more of them probably would have contained some kind of clue.

This is a good example of why you should be very selective when considering to confront a spouse who may be hiding something. Whether he was hiding something or not, he's now been tipped off that you are suspicious, and how he was caught, so he'll be extra careful to cover his tracks going forward. Next time you are suspicious I would suggest staying quiet for a while and digging deeper for more evidence before alerting him.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

The last time the OW was a coworker, yes? I'm guessing because you didn't elaborate on that. Then he minimized his involvement by saying he felt pressure to bang her, and that it was only unprotected twice, that he felt nothing while he was banging her , and that he banged her in the backseat of your car. To top it off, he jerks off in bed right next to you while you're sleeping.

Yes, you do have reason to be suspicious considering his history. Time to install the keylogger and monitor for a little bit until YOU feel safe again. Then you can uninstall it if you find nothing. 

Its also past due to establish boundaries. If he's doing something with other women that he won't do in front of you, then there's something really wrong with that.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I completely forgot about the fact that he had indeed cheated on your a few years ago when making my reply. That changes things a bit. Yes it still could be innocent, but in my view, a cheater loses the privilege of privacy, pretty much permanently. He already shouldn't have any passwords that you don't know, a phone/computer that you aren't allowed to review without notice. Is that the case in your relationship right now?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You might have frightened him into clearing up "just in case" something looked bad.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

The fact that his first reaction to being checked-up-on is to hide things (by way of deletion) is definitely a red flag. Also, it sounds like you'd like to be having more sex, yet he's looking for porn and cam girls rather than using his drive in your personal sex life, which must be frustrating for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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