# Seeking your input: watching erotic movies with my partner



## Copycat (Feb 28, 2019)

My wife recently asked me if I want to watch an erotic movie together. As usually with every decision, asked to think about it for a day or two. 

A little bit about us: we are both in our mid-30s, successful and highly satisfying careers, a little happy child. We live a peaceful and happy life together. Our communication is good. And I feel that we love and are in love with each other, and both of us make deliberate and systematic efforts to keep our family life in a good shape. 

As for this particular question: one part of me wants to go for it and feels excited, but another part of me is concerned. What will be our next step, where this little experience will lead us to, what will be its natural development? Watching a movie like this with my SO feels to me as if we invite some strangers in our relationships. And I am genuinely concerned that if we begin with an erotic movie, we might want more in the future. My wife takes it easy and thinks it is a harmless fantasy that will never cross reality borders. I have a different vision: as someone who likes and knows how to make his ideas happen, my thoughts and imagination tend to lead to real life manifestation. Usually, I deliberately avoid even thinking about things that have ill potential so that I never get into big troubles, but prevent them in their very seed. So, my concern here (as I expressed it to my SO): can it be that by starting to watch someone on the screen, we will later want to watch someone in real life and so on?

I wonder if there are people here who had this experience. How did it work for you? What do you think about my concern?


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

Everyone is different and what works for you might be very different from what works for other couples.

In our case, we started watching dirty movies together about 20 years ago. It has never been particularly frequent. We rarely get very far into the movie. We always get busy on our own and lose interest in the movie. Most of these "movies" are appallingly bad in plot and story line.

The only way that it has progressed, really evolved, is a move away from movies to just watching sex scenes together. I think that the porn world has changed and movies have fallen by the wayside. 

Neither of us has had any interest in involving real people in our sex lives. Watching porn has not changed that lack of interest. Unlike those that say that porn is no different than romance novels, I believe that watching people having sex explicitly for the purposes of sexual arousal is different. Still, I think that the difference between the explicitness of books/movies is a much smaller difference than the difference between media vs real life interactions. 

If you go down the porn route, one thing we've found to be a lot of fun is for one of us (A) to be focused on pleasing the other (B) while (A) describes what they are seeing on the screen. It's sort of a semi-structured way of talking dirty.


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## Copycat (Feb 28, 2019)

Thanks for the answer and for your tips! Just to clarify one point: my question was more about soft movies, with a plot and affection.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Copycat said:


> So, my concern here (as I expressed it to my SO): can it be that by starting to watch someone on the screen, we will later want to watch someone in real life and so on?
> 
> I wonder if there are people here who had this experience. How did it work for you? What do you think about my concern?


IMO, your concern is overblown, but then, I don't know if you would then feel compelled to act on the fantasy you see. On the other hand, maybe you'll want to turn on the lights the next time you have sex!


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Maybe for your first time, find something that's more short episodes rather than whole movies. That way if it feels weird, it won't feel weird for a long time. I seem to remember hearing about a series called "The Red Shoe Diaries", but I haven't actually seen it to make a recommendation. But find something more 30 minutes than 1.5 hours.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

depends -- is the movie she wants to watch about folks who cheat on each other (there are tons of those), or more romantic/erotic? Seems like she wants to watch a SPECIFIC movie and not just "porn". What is the movie about (sounds like you are worried that the plot in the movie is something she may REALLY want to do IRL).


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

I think it depends a lot on why you are watching the movies. For example, I used to watch murder mysteries. I had no interest in murdering someone or solving mysteries. I watched simply because I liked the characters and found the plots entertaining.

If you want to watch a movie like Dangerous Liaisons that has sexual themes, nudity, and some sex but you are watching it because it is a great movie, that's one thing. If you are watching it with the intent to be aroused by the sexual themes and nudity, that is something else entirely. If you are rejecting all movies with sexual content, your selection of movies (particularly non-violent, non-animated movies) is shrinking. You almost have to accept that there will be sexual content or reject modern cinema. If you do accept it, I don't think it will hurt your marriage in any meaningful way. I certainly don't see it as materially different from reading romance novels or watching non-sex movies like Thor or Wonder Woman because of how amazingly attractive the lead character is.

If you are a soft core movie for the sexuality, that's something else. I think that the first movie we did that with was Emmanuelle from Space. It was very short on plot and meaningful affection and the sex wasn't particularly explicit or erotic. Still, we enjoyed it because it was the thrill of something different.

What we've seen over the years is that it is hard to find movies that are both sexually explicit and filled with loving and affectionate characters that we can relate to. That's usually not the way it works.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Copycat said:


> Thanks for the answer and for your tips! Just to clarify one point: my question was more about soft movies, with a plot and affection.


One could argue that if you have ever watched The Notebook, you have already been there......

I get where you are coming from. I think what we choose to put into our mind should be thought about. However, I think if you are just talking about the 9 1/2 weeks variety of movies, you probably have nothing to worry about.

That said, I would never do anything intimate, even watching a movie, unless my husband and I were both 100 comfortable and on-board.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Ahhh, just do it .

No worries.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I am a former swinger and I can offer you a 100% effective way to not have sex with other people - don't do it. 

If watching erotica goes against your morals and sensibilities, then don't do it. 

If you don't want to swing then don't go to swing clubs or parties and don't invite other people into your bedroom. 

I am assuming that you and your wife are sane, sober, free adults which means you have agency and free will. If you don't want to do something, then all you have to do is...…..nothing. 

And to be frank, if for whatever reason you and your wife DO want to explore with other people - then again, you are full grown consenting adults with free agency and can research and discuss and explore whatever legal and consensual activities as you see fit. Lightning is not going to strike you down.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

What is the decision process for deciding what kind of pornos to watch? There are a million and one genres and niches. Can you handle it if it's interracial cuckold vids?


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

I respect your concerns. My husband and I watched a "naughty" movie once when we were in a hotel. It was my idea, in fact. After watching it I felt like I had defiled my marriage bed. Husband agreed and we haven't ever watched another. The movie was nothing like a loving relationship, and nothing like anything I'd ever want to experience. I felt like a voyeur, watching some really filthy people, a man treating a woman with disrespect while she moaned and yelled for more. Disgusting. It was not erotic, it felt defiling.
I'd say don't do it. It won't be worth it in the long run.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I agree with you, I would see it as bringing others into the marriage bed, its not for me. Thankfully we both feel the same about this. I would take the lead and say no, and tell her of your concerns. Hopefully she will respect you for your stand and your moral values.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

As a person with low drive, I enjoyed using soft porn movies with my husband - it got me more in the mood and sex was better. We laughed at the silliness of the movies, at some of the absurd unrealistic positions, and bonded over it. Some people are uptight and self-righteous about such things, some are not. We were not.

We would go shopping to pick out the movies together (along with some other items). Never went beyond that.

There also used to be some great shows on HBO about sex; don't know if they still have them.

And a reminder that women often don't 'mature into' their full level of sexuality until their 30s, so she may not have been ready for that degree of sensuality, guilt free, and is now ready to explore more stuff with you. That's a compliment.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Araucaria said:


> Husband agreed and we haven't ever watched another.


LOL...not together, anyway. But he's seen more movies since then - you just don't know about them. :grin2:


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Copycat said:


> as someone who likes and knows how to make his ideas happen, my thoughts and imagination tend to lead to real life manifestation. Usually, I deliberately avoid even thinking about things that have ill potential so that I never get into big troubles, but prevent them in their very seed. So, my concern here (as I expressed it to my SO): can it be that by starting to watch someone on the screen, we will later want to watch someone in real life and so on?


Stupid question:

Do you also avoid movies like Halloween, Friday the 13th because you might turn into a ranging mass murderer?

I know I'm taking this to an extreme, but if you can keep yourself from killing people after watch a slasher flick, I suspect you can keep other people out of your sexual relationship with your wife.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> POST REDACTED BY MODERATION TEAM


What an incredibly offensive post. The things you say are plain ridiculous. 
I think its brilliant that there are still men around who have some sort of moral values and who want to keep their eyes and thoughts for their wives and not for others. 
Neither of us would watch an erotic/porn film and believe me we are NOTHING as you describe. We have a really good and varied sex life, (unlike most on this forum), and you really don't need to use offensive language in life or in sex to enjoy it.

You know nothing about this man and yet you attack him in this horrible way for wanting to keep his marriage free from this stuff. 

I say OP, go with your gut and conscience and what you feel is right and wrong. Dont let others make you think there is anything wrong with you, there isn't, you are a dying breed sadly.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> What an incredibly offensive post. The things you say are plain ridiculous.
> I think its brilliant that there are still men around who have some sort of moral values and who want to keep their eyes and thoughts for their wives and not for others.
> Neither of us would watch an erotic/porn film and believe me we are NOTHING as you describe. We have a really good and varied sex life, (unlike most on this forum), and you really don't need to use offensive language in life or in sex to enjoy it.
> 
> ...


But his post wasn't about his values or moral compass. 

It was about fear of turning into a sex fiend. 

If was porn was against his values and sensibilities, he simply wouldn't do it and wouldn't be writing to an internet forum about how to avoid having sex with other people. 

Shesstillgitit's post may have been a bit blunt but his post sounded more fearful rather than about values and morals.

In other words it wasn't about him not wanting to do it because of any moral conviction but rather an irrational fear of the porn causing him to have sex with other people.


The image I conjured up in reading his post was someone afraid to take a toke on a doobie being passed around a college dorm room, not because they held any moral convictions against drugs but that they believed the dogma that taking a drag off a joint will cause them to become a raging Meth addict that rapes old ladies for their pocket change and then eventually choking to death on their own vomit in a Turkish prison.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

There's a difference between having a moral conviction agaisnt something and actually kind of wanting to do it but being stymied by an irrational fear of it.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

turnera said:


> Some people are uptight and self-righteous about such things, some are not. We were not.



Just because other people don't share your views about pornography, doesn't make them uptight and self-righteous.

Your post sounds patronizing and judgmental.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> What an incredibly offensive post. The things you say are plain ridiculous.
> I think its brilliant that there are still men around who have some sort of moral values and who want to keep their eyes and thoughts for their wives and not for others.
> Neither of us would watch an erotic/porn film and believe me we are NOTHING as you describe. We have a really good and varied sex life, (unlike most on this forum), and you really don't need to use offensive language in life or in sex to enjoy it.
> 
> ...




Agreed, that was a horrible post.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Just because other people don't share your views about pornography, doesn't make them uptight and self-righteous.
> 
> Your post sounds patronizing and judgmental.


*shrug*
We're the land of the Puritans. We live in a puritanical society. Some other countries think we're nuts for our inhibitions.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

turnera said:


> *shrug*
> We're the land of the Puritans. We live in a puritanical society. Some other countries think we're nuts for our inhibitions.




The current climate in which our society is saturated with pornography. Our culture is pornified. And there is acceptance of almost all sexual expression.

Puritanical isn't the word that comes to mind.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> POST REDACTED BY MODERATION TEAM



Don't know why you feel a need to verbally emasculate the guy.

Diana is open about her religious beliefs; but she isn't vicious. You are.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I think people need to read the opening post again.

When I read it, I am not seeing a man who's values and mores lead him to take a moral stand against porn who states that he does not want to compromise his values and principles.

He openly states he is excited about the idea.

He then goes on to essentially say that he will not be able to control himself and may act on his impulses and is afraid this will lead him to basically play Monkey-See-Monkey-Do. 

That is not moral strength and conviction.

I am not trying to insult or put down the OP, but I do not see this as moral strength at all but rather as weakness of character. 

If someone is afraid of turning into a sex fiend simply from watching a movie with some skin and make outs in it, then that to me is a combination of irrational fear and of poor impulse control and immaturity. 

Now to be fair, if the OP really feels this way, then it is probably best of they don't watch any porn. I don't want any more sex fiends roaming the earth. 

But I certainly don't see this as some kind of moral fortitude. 

Moral fortitude is saying, " I do not believe in this and do not think this is appropriate behavior or healthy for marriage so am I not going to do it."

Saying, "I want to do it but I am afraid I'll be overcome with list and desire and screw everyone is town," is an example of actions being dictated by an irrational fear and lack of impulse control.

If someone wants to watch porn but is afraid they will lose control of their faculties and start screwing people because they saw it in a movie demonstrates to me a LACK of moral fortitude.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I'm going to sound harsh. I don't mean it that way.

Find another SO. This one is not your cup of tea. Make a list of the times you've had to question yourself and try to talk yourself into or out of something she wants or wants to do. Go over that list and think about what you would have said, if you could really talk with her. 

Seems to me, she brings up things you aren't really into. I wonder how much you know about her. I don't need to know anything. 

Seriously, find someone else before you make a mistake you can't take back. Don't get her pregnant. Be damn careful.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Let me flip this around a bit to make my point.

if someone were to ask me if I wanted to watch child porn, I would answer with a definative NO and walk away and probably never associate with that person again and would likely report them to the police.

But let's say I was some how forced to watch it, I would in no way shape or form ever even consider molesting children because I believe it to be wrong and is wholly agaisnt my values and moral convictions.

That is moral conviction and taking a moral stand.

Wanting to do something, but being afraid of your own desires and being afraid of not being able to control your actions, is not moral conviction. 

If anything it is a lack of conviction. 

It is like someone saying that they want to watch child porn but are afraid that they will be so overcome with desire that they may seek out actual sex with children in real life.

Would you want that person to babysit your children?? Even if they said they might not watch the child porn???


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> Let me flip this around a bit to make my point.
> 
> if someone were to ask me if I wanted to watch child porn, I would answer with a definative NO and walk away and probably never associate with that person again and would likely report them to the police.
> 
> ...



I didn't see your post till mine loaded. 

I get what you are saying. I'm not saying anything different in the "moral" argument. I'm not saying anything about his morals. I'm saying, there is a bigger problem with communication and his lack of intestinal fortitude with her. 

He would do well to read a book like "hold on to your nuts", and even "Boundaries". Seems like he doesn't know what he wants and it takes him days to figure things out. Guess what? He's going to lose this SO, if he doesn't figure out what he wants a little quicker and make a decision he can stick with. Yes or No is okay, but think about it and stick with it, unless a very good reason comes up. 

I'm sure others can think of some self help books. This is not good.


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## Copycat (Feb 28, 2019)

I am here to thank all those people who took time to share their experience. Some of you made me think, some of you made me laugh. My time here is over as I am moving to different things. I wish you all good luck and remind that life is too short to spend it arguing with strangers on the internet. 

I asked moderators to close this discussion as it is going off topic. Thanks again to all who posted, especially to those was constructive and to the point!


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Copycat said:


> I am here to thank all those people who took time to share their experience. Some of you made me think, some of you made me laugh. My time here is over as I am moving to different things. I wish you all good luck and remind that life is too short to spend it arguing with strangers on the internet.
> 
> I asked moderators to close this discussion as it is going off topic. Thanks again to all who posted, especially to those was constructive and to the point!



You are correct, this thread went sideways, big time.

Beyond that, did you make a decision?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Moderator notice:-*

Due to some disgraceful, rude and belittling remarks, the posts containing those remarks have been deleted.

TAM will not tolerate such abusive posts and remarks that are clearly in flagrant violation of the TAM rules.


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