# Another hysterectomy thread



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Ok, so for the folks who know my history, you can imagine how this is kind of freaking me out. My wife and I found out on Tuesday that she needs to have a hysterectomy. Actually a supracervical laparoscopic hysterectomy where they remove the uterus and fallopian tubes but leave the ovaries and cervix.

I can't stop thinking about our sexless past. I keep telling myself that I just can't do it again. I keep thinking about when enough will be enough. Her doc told her that she'll be back to normal in about 2 weeks, but everything I've read on the interwebs says 6 weeks minimum before sex. So does that mean I'm walking at 10 weeks? I just don't know.

Frankly it's stupid that I'm even thinking about this part of it. That's not how I am. I guess in so many ways I'm damaged and broken from the past and I just can't go back there. I asked her about her post op libido. She said "I knew this was coming". Then she said that her doc told her nothing would change since she'd still have ovaries and cervix. I have a hard time believing that.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

This is major surgery (or at least it was when my mom had to have it done). 

Please please please breathe and focus on getting through it before you try to predict what will or won't happen to her libido afterwards.

Take it one day at a time.

I know it sucks and the timing is awful but what can you do?

It is what it is.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Yes, of course you're right. I'm trying to focus on her and not be selfish. But I have to protect myself too.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> But I have to protect myself too.


Does that have to be done today?

Okay let me retract that you can make plans based on various outcomes but that's about it right?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I shouldn't even do that. It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> This is major surgery (or at least it was when my mom had to have it done).
> 
> Please please please breathe and focus on getting through it before you try to predict what will or won't happen to her libido afterwards.
> 
> ...


This^^^Working you have a legit question but like Mavash said let's see what happens. I hope she comes out of the surgery fine though without any complications.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I shouldn't even do that. It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.


I find peace when I answer all the negative 'what if's' in my head.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> Better Sex After Hysterectomy - Female Orgasm, Satisfaction, Improves for Most :Web MD
> 
> Sex after hysterectomy was better, regardless of the surgical procedure they had, he reports. Most of the women -- 310 in all -- were sexually active both before and after hysterectomy. But of the 32 women who were not sexually active before hysterectomy, 53% became sexually active afterwards.
> 
> ...


According to this article, it can go every which way...comparing 4 patients stories. 



> Sex after Hysterectomy | Better or Worse?
> 
> Few things in life come with a guarantee, and unfortunately, a hysterectomy doesn’t have a guarantee either. A portion of women report an improvement in their sex life following the surgery. Other women say there is no notable change for them.
> 
> A number of women explain that their orgasm is different for them, but still satisfying. And some women claim that having a hysterectomy destroyed the sex life they once enjoyed. Experiences run the gamut, and it appears not to matter specifically what type of hysterectomy surgery a woman had.


Here is one of the replies on this link Good Sex After Hysterectomy? 



> I am 47 and had a hys when I was 36. Sex is still GREAT! I personally do not think it has altered anything. Personally, it was the best surgery I ever had. Just a note, that the doctors will not tell you. It will take about 6 months to feel back to your old self. You will tire much more quickly. I was really glad that a few people gave me the heads up on this. I wish you the best of luck if you decide to do this.


 So hold on to some Hope WorkingOnMe, just get her through this right now...is it the only option ? It's good they are leaving the ovaries.

Women should keep ovaries with hysterectomy - Women's health


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Hang in there, working. I don't think you are wrong to have these thoughts and fears due to past behaviors. I hope that after she heals you might have a new start on sex as then she will be relieved of some health concerns and fear of pregnancy will be in the past.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I asked her about her post op libido. She said "I knew this was coming". Then she said that her doc told her nothing would change since she'd still have ovaries and cervix. I have a hard time believing that.


First of all, best wishes to your wife for a speedy recovery. 

My wife had this same procedure, except that her cervix was also removed, however her ovaries are intact. Her drive, eagerness, and arousal are all much higher now than they were prior to the procedure. She's more adventurous and is even exploring kink with me. In short, a complete turn around from most of our marriage.

I think that several things happened all at once. For starters, she can't get pregnant any more. No more pills, IUDs, condoms, distractions, or worries. Hormonal birth control had completely flushed her libido down the toilet years ago, but by the time that we switched to non hormonal methods we had some baggage. Now she can enjoy sex for nothing more than the pleasure of it. I think this is a really big factor in her discovering a love of sex. 

Second, prior to her hysterectomy she had gone through a lot of very libido killing things including uterine fibroids and bleeding from hell. She was severely anemic at one time, and consequently exhausted all of the time. She can now be a sexual creature again without her body trying to take all of the fun out of it.

Lastly, after she healed up we finally had a heart to heart where she finally understood that not having sex was slowly killing our marriage. We talked about "the baby factory being permanently closed". I finally managed to communicate to her that I didn't blame her, but that we were living a marriage in name only and that I wanted a much more deeply passionate and fulfilling relationship with her - and that included hot sex, and a lot of it.

You may discover that this is an opportunity to rebuild sexual intimacy with your wife. I had to let go of some pretty destructive feelings and resentments that had built up through the years and focus on the future. Today we still struggle with finding time for sex, or making time for sex, but when we do get naked it's a lot of fun.

I wish you and your wife the best for the future.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

WOM, this is your golden opportunity! 

I wish you both a speedy recovery and as she recovers, this is your avenue to MAKE her see how important affection is to feelings of being loved and cared for. Go out of your way while she recovers and sex is totally off the table, to be touchy feely and loving. Rub her legs, her forehead, lots of chaste kisses...You both know sex ain't happening so this is your time to show her that you can be affectionate, might even get a stiffy, but showing affection isn't about getting sex for her. Once she is recovered, she can never accuse you again of "just wanting sex" because you were MR TLC knowing full well nothing was going to happen.


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## soulsearch (Aug 2, 2013)

WOM- you are not at fault in looking at this situation the way you are. when a persons needs are repeatedly not met by the other half of the relationship, and done for reasons that are lame and amount to laziness, a situation like this is hard to face. 

take a healthy, hydrated person, and a sick, dehydrated one, and put both in the desert- the healthy one will obviously survive longer. relationships are no different.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Working,
Your thoughts and fears are valid. The fact that right when she is worrying about physical health you asked her a 'how might this impact me me me' question that she can't possibly answer is really sad. 

You can't hold your 'scars' from the 10 year drought over her head. You are a grown man and you let that happen. You had options. 



QUOTE=WorkingOnMe;4357498]Ok, so for the folks who know my history, you can imagine how this is kind of freaking me out. My wife and I found out on Tuesday that she needs to have a hysterectomy. Actually a supracervical laparoscopic hysterectomy where they remove the uterus and fallopian tubes but leave the ovaries and cervix.

I can't stop thinking about our sexless past. I keep telling myself that I just can't do it again. I keep thinking about when enough will be enough. Her doc told her that she'll be back to normal in about 2 weeks, but everything I've read on the interwebs says 6 weeks minimum before sex. So does that mean I'm walking at 10 weeks? I just don't know.

Frankly it's stupid that I'm even thinking about this part of it. That's not how I am. I guess in so many ways I'm damaged and broken from the past and I just can't go back there. I asked her about her post op libido. She said "I knew this was coming". Then she said that her doc told her nothing would change since she'd still have ovaries and cervix. I have a hard time believing that.[/QUOTE]


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> Working,
> Your thoughts and fears are valid. The fact that right when she is worrying about physical health you asked her a 'how might this impact me me me' question that she can't possibly answer is really sad.
> 
> You can't hold your 'scars' from the 10 year drought over her head. You are a grown man and you let that happen. You had options.



Disagree. Its not like they were at the doctor's office, she was told she had cancer and he immediately cried about not being able to bang her while she was on chemo or something.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Well it's been a sexually frustrating 6 weeks. Trying to not get my hopes up, but she's at the docs right now for her 2nd follow up. On the day of surgery they gave her instructions which included "no intercourse for 2 weeks". That surprised me because I had been reading 6 weeks. but the surgery was some kind of special da vinci robotic laparoscopic thing and we were in and out so quickly that we just took the written instructions and left. 

Anyway, I think I did a good job of not ever letting any frustration show. It has been mostly all about her the last 6 weeks. At the 2 week followup the doc laughed. My wife had been saying "tonight's the night" but then the doc slapped us with the hand of reality and said no, nothing until the next followup. She said it would be "my" Christmas present. Not sure why the doc wouldn't think it was "our" Christmas present but whatever. 

So today she has her appointment and she was saying this morning how frustrated she is. Frankly I'm trying not to get my hopes up. She has always been the kind of person who isn't interested unless she gets something out of it, and she doesn't like oral so no intercourse for her basically means no nothing for me. I did get 2 bj's over the last 6 weeks. Thankful for that but disappointed at the same time.

I guess I'm just venting now. People who know me here may have noticed me being a bit more "on edge" for the last 6 weeks. It's helpful to vent here so that I can be normal and supportive at home. Yesterday she told me she's glad she has her appointment because she's been spotting a bit the last 4 days. So ya, not getting my hopes up. Tomorrow we leave for her folks house and that means nothing for another week for sure!


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Well it's been a sexually frustrating 6 weeks. Trying to not get my hopes up, but she's at the docs right now for her 2nd follow up. On the day of surgery they gave her instructions which included "no intercourse for 2 weeks". That surprised me because I had been reading 6 weeks. but the surgery was some kind of special da vinci robotic laparoscopic thing and we were in and our so quickly that we just took the written instructions and left.
> 
> Anyway, I think I did a good job of not ever letting any frustration show. It has been mostly all about her the last 6 weeks. At the 2 week followup the doc laughed. My wife had been saying "tonight's the night" but then the doc slapped us with the hand of reality and said no, nothing until the next followup. She said it would be "my" Christmas present. Not sure why the doc wouldn't think it was "our" Christmas present but whatever.
> 
> ...


There was time when I wouldn't have helped my husband out, either. Now I'd happily and lovingly blow him every day just too keep him from getting that "edge" that you say you have. Nothing worse than living with an edgy spouse. We tend to blame it on a million other things, but if you're not getting what you need, reaching down and giving more just might be the ticket. A lesson not easily learned, no matter what "need" we're talking about--mainly, I think because of the thought, "I have to protect myself."


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Spotting is not a good sign that sex will be back on the table for a few days. Depends on the color though. Dark red to rust color, no big deal. Bright red, not a good sign.

I know it's against your nature, but try to show a positive attitude about the lck of sex. She knows you so well, you can't possibly hide all disappointment signs from her.

She's gotta be as eager for sex as you are! If she's not in any pain...it's been a long time for her too. I think a nice couple of orgasms should be just the ticket to ensure everything is all healed up. 

If it's not too late, go with her and ask her doc if there is a limit to the number of orgasms she can have at one go? That should lighten the mood and get this elephant in the room addressed.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> She's gotta be as eager for sex as you are! If she's not in any pain...it's been a long time for her too. I think a nice couple of orgasms should be just the ticket to ensure everything is all healed up.


She says she is as eager and frustrated as I am. We had an oral only session a few weeks ago and I brought her off with a magic wand, so no problem with the orgasms!


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## soulsearch (Aug 2, 2013)

I know you are trying to be supportive and understanding, but I feel your pain my man. what low desire spouses don't understand is that if the sexual gas tank was kept full, a hiatus would still suck, but be much easier to bear. frustration about your regular sex life, coupled with forced abstinence due to medical issues really hits a person.


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

I don't know if someone's already written this but:

Keeping her ovaries is most definitely a good thing for you, as they're the female equivalent of the testicles and produces the bulk of her body's sex hormones.

The uterus responds to what the ovaries are 'putting out' there for it, but it doesn't release hormones itself.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> *She says she is as eager and frustrated as I am. *We had an oral only session a few weeks ago and I brought her off with a magic wand, so no problem with the orgasms!


Excellent. I don't blame you for tensing up and being on the alert for signs of sexlessness. I do the same thing with H. Years of being treated one way does tend to make us brace for a return to that. 

I wonder if her orgasm felt the same without her uterus?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> I wonder if her orgasm felt the same without her uterus?


I didn't ask so I can only judge by her actions....and of course with most orgasms (with us) there's some form of penetration. So an orgasm with just oral and the wand working together is unusual in itself. But it seemed very intense for her. More so than usual. And it had been several weeks so the build up may have something to do with that as well.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Well I just got the phone call. Doctor said we're good to go. Regarding the spotting she said to just take it easy.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Maybe it's just me, but if there's blood coming out, I'm not going in. And I was never one to be too squeamish about sex during menstruation either.

I mean, c'mon. Your testicles aren't going to explode in front of your eyes while you wait for your wife to fully heal from surgery. We had two children, the minimum wait was 6 weeks for both, and we waited. She had a hysterectomy 15 years ago, and we waited.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

She wants it and her actual medical doctor says go for it. But thanks for your opinion.


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## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

Each person is different of course, but I had a partial hysterectomy in my early 20's. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. My cervix and uterus were taken, left my ovaries. 

My orgasms were not affected by not having a uterus at all. And the lack of a cervix mad sex WAY more fun. My husband would hit me in the wrong spot during sex because of the way it was tilted...without it, we could finally have more 'abandoned' sex without me being decommisioned for the next several days. 

I will say, since she has her ovaries, she is still going to cycle through her period, but there will be no physical evidence for her to track anymore. That can be incredibly frustrating. You still have the same symptoms, being more apt to mood swings, bloating, face break outs, sore chest, etc...but no physical indicator so that you know when to expect it. Even though my procedure was 16 years ago, I still have issues with that. It takes being very aware of the less noticable signals to track that. My sex drive spikes super high during a certain time of the month and then starts to lull off a bit during other times of the month, but that is something that always happened.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

I just saw this post for the first time today. I had a hysterectomy 18 months ago. Women do have real problems that affect our sex drive and how intercourse actually feels. I think sometimes guys just think it's all mental. I did go through a rough patch sexually where I didn't seek it out as much with the H because of pain, low drive and periods like Niagra Falls that kept me weak before and after the actual flow. Sorry, I know it's TMI but a lot of women feel weird talking about this stuff with their men, so I just want you guys to get an idea.

Honestly, six months after the surgery I was a new woman, but six weeks after...meh. Any deep penetration caused pain because there were stitches where my cervix used to be. These are internal organs. They need time to heal. And I don't know the situation with her ovaries but the hormones need time to settle. I'm going to suggest that you take it slow and try to be somewhat understanding. It may mean you need to rub one out more often or keep the focus on oral just a little while longer. I don't know your history but it sounds like this is a big problem in your marriage. 

I don't want to sound like a downer. My story has a very happy ending (pun intended). We have sex pretty much every day, sometimes more than once and we are in our mid 40's. We have tried all kinds of new, fun things and honestly have a better sex life than we did as newlyweds. So you will probably win in the long run if you can go at a pace that works for BOTH of you. Good luck!


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> She wants it and her actual medical doctor says go for it. But thanks for your opinion.


Not to mention the fact that your MARRIAGE seems to need it. Sometimes less than ideal is good enough when the stakes are high . . .


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Well I just got the phone call. Doctor said we're good to go. Regarding the spotting she said to just take it easy.



Woohoo! :smthumbup:

Prolly just residual hiding in nooks and crannies. Fun thought!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Woohoo! :smthumbup:
> 
> Prolly just residual hiding in nooks and crannies. Fun thought!


I have a theory, but I'm not a doc so it's just a thought. But I still have my calender.....I've been tracking her cycles for a couple years now. This spotting is happening at the same time as her normal cycle. they left her cervix in place, perhaps there is some portion of uterus left that wasn't removed.

I don't know....just a thought.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

Why did they leave her cervix? Just curious. They took mine out along with the uterus.

Did she get to keep her ovaries? I still have mine and I will agree with Inside Looking Out. I sometimes have PMS-like symptoms. But it's not anywhere close to what I had before and I don't even notice it most months.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

The Debate Over Sparing the Cervix in Hysterectomies - WSJ.com

Here's a great article on the issue. Basically leaving the cervix reduces the chances of surgical damage to the bladder and nearby nerves, and makes for a better long term sex life, although not everyone agrees on that.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

Hmmm, interesting debate. I guess it could go both ways. Dr. and I had the same discussion on my ovaries. Remove now and hope for the best, or chance having to go back for an additional surgical procedure if problems arise. While I had no attachment to my cervix, I felt I could risk it with ovaries for a chance of 10+ more years of estrogen.

The Dr. did warn of possible damage to bladder during surgery. Luckily it all went well and like I said, once healing is complete, sex is awesome.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> She wants it and her actual medical doctor says go for it. But thanks for your opinion.


If it's what she wants, no problem. Just as long as she really wants it for more than to just get you off her back. This is one time a spouse should not be overly concerned about her partner's feelings, until she's well and truly ready.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Cletus said:


> If it's what she wants, no problem. Just as long as she really wants it for more than to just get you off her back. This is one time a spouse should not be overly concerned about her partner's feelings, until she's well and truly ready.


Yes, I agree with that. And I've definitely not been on her back at all. Actually the first time she tried to give me a bj during her recovery I tried to turn it down. I didn't want her doing it "for me". But she acted like she really wanted to, and I'm pretty weak when it comes to that so I didn't put up much of a fight. That happened on the day of her 2 week post op appointment. She was looking forward to regular sex that night and the doctor shot it down, so she was in the mood with no outlet.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Yes, I agree with that. And I've definitely not been on her back at all. Actually the first time she tried to give me a bj during her recovery I tried to turn it down. I didn't want her doing it "for me". But she acted like she really wanted to, and I'm pretty weak when it comes to that so I didn't put up much of a fight. That happened on the day of her 2 week post op appointment. She was looking forward to regular sex that night and the doctor shot it down, so she was in the mood with no outlet.


So you resisted enough to see she would be dissapointed if she couldn't at least do that? Nice. So you didn't want to make her mad or feel bad. It was probably a really nice one too.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

Wishing you the best, and lots of it ;-)


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