# I Hope This Helps



## Clutch (Apr 10, 2015)

Hello everybody,
I am a 51 year old retired soldier (2005 after 25 years) who is absolutely heartbroken and pretty much devastated. For the 2nd time in my life....and this one is much worse.

In December of 2003 I came back from Iraq to the end of a 16 year marriage....that I didn't even see coming. She had met somebody and wanted to be with him so bad that nothing else mattered. She took my daughter (who I wanted to stay with me) and let me keep my sons (2 each who I also wanted). She agreed to waive her rights to half of my army retirement if I would buy her a new car (so I did). Off to California me and the boys went (I had to change duty stations). 

While I was in the process of retiring, I met the most wonderful woman (who I am still very much in love with). She had 2 wonderful little ones too!!! So we did the "Brady Bunch" thing and got married.

We have had many issues over the years...mostly involving kids. She thinks I'm too hard and I think she is too soft. I always figured after the kids grew up and were gone....our lives together would be WONDERFUL and ROMANTIC.

About a year ago she stopped having any kind of sex with me (right after she had a hysterectomy). Her life became consumed with her family (they are all too close in my opinion) the kids, her horses, her dogs (she has 4) and there is no longer any room for me.

A month or so ago....right after we had just taken money from my 401K and put down a deposit on a home in Idaho we were supposed to move into with her parents....she told me she isn't in love with me anymore and wants a divorce. The very day before she was telling me she loved me and didn't believe quitting should be on the table.

I believe...as long as nobody is getting beat up...and nobody is cheating...you work it out. Still, that is likely not going to happen here.

I accept that she is leaving. Still, we are going to continue living together...even sleeping in the same bed, until probably September or October. We both don't want to turn this into "sides". We both love all the kids and don't want them taking sides. Still, she keeps treating me like dog poop and I am tired of it. I have told her that several times. 

OK I'm done ranting. Thanks for your patience folks.
-clutch-


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Sorry for your situation and thank you for your service to our country.

She is treating you badly because she is guilty and she trying to balance guilt with blame.

She may feel guilty for wanting to end the marriage.
She may feel guilty because she is in the midst of an affair.

Could be an EA (emotional affair, perhaps online) or and old ex(maybe just the very start of an EA), or it could be a physical affair.

Of course it could be both (guilty over marriage/affair) and that would be my guess.

The two links in my signature below are for the standard evidence thread and the newbie thread in the Coping with infidelity forum here.

You might consider looking to see if she is reaching out to anyone. Perhaps you are done and just want to end it amiably, then address the guilt issue with her and ask if the two of you can be more mature about it, since it will be hard on both of you.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

All the signs of an affair are there. Dig quietly.

She is doing her darnest to detach from you emotionally, justify her actions and minimise her guilt.

Sorry you are here. It's tough. Get your family and friends around you.

If you do find she is having an affair, make sure you expose her fully, far and wide. It is something I didn't do properly and I think doing that right at the start would have helped me a lot. History will be re-written to others quicker than you can imagine.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

I'm very sorry for what you're going through. I know it's painful.

I agree that divorce should not be on the table unless it's an extreme case. Physical abuse is not the only extreme case. Others, like emotional/verbal abuse, hurt just as bad. 

Be strong, take good care of yourself.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Do you get any sense of her possibly wanting to work on things? Even the slightest?

If not, it's time to do the snoop to determine your next course of action.

I note that she stopped sex right after the hysterectomy. Any chance she is imbalanced hormonally speaking?


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