# I need some advice please



## again&again (Mar 1, 2012)

Hi there,
i am new to this forum but have spent the afternoon reading some of the posts and found them both helpful and comforting. i was really hoping for some help with my own problem.

my fiance has semi-regular conversations, through email, with an ex-girlfriend he dated almost 10 years ago. They were friends prior to dating and ended up in a relationship that ended after a few years. they remained friends, but distant from each others lives. She will randomly message him (a few times a year) and ask him about life, ect. The problem is, he lies to me about it. I used to have access to his email account and could read these conversations, none of them overly troublesome. A few things i didn't appreciate in reference to their relationship, but nothing that particularly disturbed me. But he would lie about hearing from her. I would ask him, knowing they had been emailing back and forth, if he had heard from or talked to anyone today and he would say "no" or list of people that did not include her. it was not that i was angry he was talking to her, i was angry about the fact that he lied. I confronted him while this was happening a few months ago and he apologized to me and told me that they are just friends and he didn't tell me because he didnt want to make something out of nothing and cause me worry or concern. i was upset about it but got over it because as i saw through email they were no longer communicating. (she works on a cruise ship and only has email access, no cell phone for txting or anything like that) 
he promised me he would tell me the next time she emailed him as long as i promised not to get mad about it. this seemed fair to me. so a few weeks ago i log into his account and see they hare having a conversation back and forth. she had messaged him and they were talking back and forth. she was letting him know she was crushed he was getting married and asking him if he ever still thinks about them, ect. again, he wasn't saying anything that upset me, but he wasn't ignoring her or not responding to her emails either. so i asked him, "have you heard from her?" right when i knew they were talking over email and he said "no." i stewed for a day and then exploded on him for lying to me about her AGAIN. his excuse was the same, they were talking because they ARE friends and he doesn't want me to be threatened by someone that he has no love or feelings besides friendship for. he changed his email password and now i am left with no certainty for truth. i am trying to have blind faith and i am failing. i am letting this consume me.
sigh..wow if you are still reading thank you! 

i am really upset about this. no, he didn't have sex with her, or talk ill of me to her or anything like that, but its the lying and the now not knowing that upsets me. i need help with how to get over this. i need to know if i should. am i overacting? i want to get over this, i love him. but i am so scared right now and feeling so vulnerable. when i talk to him he's understanding and loving but it doesn't seem like enough. i hate being moody and suspicious all the time, i hate bringing the problem up to him every few days but i can't shake this.

advice would be really appreciated.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I'll just say a few statements that I believe to be true-

-there is no secrecy in a good marriage

-there should be 100% transparency in a marriage

-a good marriage starts off as a good engagement


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Break off the engagement and walk away. Your relationship is already built upon mistrust (you) and manipulations and lies (him). You have every reason to mistrust him. You have an opportunity that many of us never get, walk away, run, sprint.


----------



## Euripedes (Jun 18, 2011)

a&a: Tell your fiance he definitely has to go NC (No Contact) with this gal or else your engagement is off. Act confidently and do not plead with him and don't act weak or broken hearted. Give him an ultimatum - 100% you or nothing. You're lucky to catch this now before you are married and have children. Tell him he must write an email of NC to the OW and you need to be present when he sends it. He also needs to give you access to his email account, FB, Twitter, etc or else walk away. If he is truly seriously in love with you, he will come back. If not, thank God you caught this early and get on with your life. He does not deserve you. And keep checking this website for good advice. Best of luck...


----------



## again&again (Mar 1, 2012)

wow such quick replies. thank you everybody. i really have to decide on some things and i need to hear the no bull**** advice. i do like the idea of the no contact email while i am there and acquiring passwords. if he has a problem with it clearly i need to walk. 
thank you for your help i really need it.


----------



## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Repeated lying while in an engagement!!!! Just hang it up. You deserve someone who respects you and that you can trust.


----------



## again&again (Mar 1, 2012)

i am sitting at work crying both from sadness and relief to talk to people about this! thank you for the advice and encouragement everyone.


----------



## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

again&again said:


> i am sitting at work crying both from sadness and relief to talk to people about this! thank you for the advice and encouragement everyone.


You definitely deserve better than he is giving you. If he will not go NC and be transparent with you, it is time to cut your losses and move on. You are either his top priority or you are not, and coming in second to an OW sucks like nothing else. Good luck to you.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

again&again said:


> his excuse was the same, they were talking because they ARE friends and he doesn't want me to be threatened by someone that he has no love or feelings besides friendship for.


That's crap. They are NOT friends. She has admitted her attraction to him. She told him she doesn't want him to get married. She's toxic to your relationship.



again&again said:


> he changed his email password and now i am left with no certainty for truth.


Of course you have certainty. He's continuing to contact her. He's never stopped contacting her. The only reason to insist on secrecy is so that he can contact her without you knowing.



again&again said:


> i am trying to have blind faith and i am failing.


Blind faith in what? That he will be loyal to you? Why would you have faith in that? He hasn't been loyal to you so far. All he's done is ignore your requests for honesty and lied to you about communicating with his ex. Why would you trust him after that?



again&again said:


> i am really upset about this. no, he didn't have sex with her, or talk ill of me to her or anything like that, but its the lying and the now not knowing that upsets me.


Sex usually doesn't just happen. A happily engaged man doesn't just walk down the street and fall, penis first, into a woman. It starts by communicating with her. Things go along innocently for a while, then they start to build. Then, they get to a point where one person is actively trying to escalate to a physical relationship (this is the point you're at). Then things actually get physical. It's not unreasonable for you to be upset that your boyfriend is allowing another woman to court him.



again&again said:


> i need help with how to get over this. i need to know if i should. am i overacting? i want to get over this, i love him. but i am so scared right now and feeling so vulnerable. when i talk to him he's understanding and loving but it doesn't seem like enough. i hate being moody and suspicious all the time, i hate bringing the problem up to him every few days but i can't shake this.
> 
> advice would be really appreciated.


If I were you, I would dump him. The two of you are early in your relationship. Your passion for each other will never be higher than it is now. And it's not enough for your boyfriend. If he's looking around outside the relationship now, you can bet that when you add kids, a mortgage, health problems, and family problems to the mix, he'll be cheating, trying to cheat, or actively looking to bail on the marriage.

Even if he hasn't slept with this woman, he's knowingly hurt you. He knows that you know what he's doing. You've told him that it hurts you, and he refuses to stop. That's cruel. He's being intentionally cruel to you. To him, an email friendship with another woman is more important than you are. Why would you want to marry a man who has proven, before the times get tough, that he doesn't consider you to be very important?

Good luck.


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Dear Again&Again,

You came to the right place! The situation that brought me here was similar to yours - my fiance (we're married now) had a 'friend'. I always had a bad feeling about it, tried to ignore it, but couldn't. I found out on TAM that this is OK. It's also OK to expect the man you're marrying to put YOU FIRST. Don't settle for less!

I too, let this tear me up inside for a long time......You need transparency and complete honesty, as the others before me have said. He MUST go no contact. Only then, can the trust be rebuilt.


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Way wards do not appreciate the value of transparency. In fact, truth hurts them.
Sorry you are in that situation. You will come out of this. Just stay strong. Stick to your ground. Take good care.
Dont let this affect your life, health and work.
Dont cry or beg.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The "no contact" email only has value if your fiancée respects it as well, and he's already shown you repeatedly that he won't. So why bother. And just as an FYI, it takes all of about 3 minutes to set up a new gmail/hotmail account that you'll know nothing about. So even if you get access to his passwords again, you'd be a sucker to feel safe just because you don't see them talking. Until he recognizes and agrees the communication is an issue, you're at risk. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

True, but trust has to start somewhere...if he sets up another account, he'll be caught one day...


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

CandieGirl said:


> True, but trust has to start somewhere...if he sets up another account, he'll be caught one day...


Yes, trust has to start somewhere. But blindly trusting someone who has broken that trust twice already and doesn't seem to understand what the problem is is foolish. To me, anyway.

C


----------



## maddecent (Feb 27, 2012)

I think these people saying to dump this guy are a little off base. He obviously is the kind that does not like confrontation, and would rather lie about the emails.

That sucks, but as you said, he seems to remain faithful to you and does not sound interested in any way of going back to her. So you have his heart.

With that said, he needs to end it, permanently. And you need 100% transparency.


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

You OP have to come first!


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

maddecent said:


> I think these people saying to dump this guy are a little off base. He obviously is the kind that does not like confrontation, and would rather lie about the emails.


I don't think the confrontation, or lack thereof, has anything to do with it. The OP's boyfriend is cruelly dismissing her concerns in order to cultivate the attraction of his ex. In my eyes, that is his sin.



maddecent said:


> That sucks, but as you said, he seems to remain faithful to you and does not sound interested in any way of going back to her. So you have his heart.


He seems to be faithful, for now. But I don't know how you can conclude that he isn't interested in getting back together with her. She's telling him she doesn't want him to get married, his fiance is telling him to break off contact, and he keeps communicating. Why would he do that?

From reading this board regularly, I can tell you that emotional affairs usually do not remain emotional. They build to an apex. And that apex is sex.


----------

