# Conjugal visits in prison?



## CMD1978 (Apr 9, 2016)

Do you believe that a wife owes her husband conjugal visits while he is serving out a prison term? What if she's not sure she's going to stay married to him due to what he did to end up in jail and his horrible behavior in the months leading up to his arrest?

My H has just been sentenced to a 6 month sentence for drug possession (2nd conviction). He wants (and is allowed) conjugal visits. I'm still so angry and hurt I don't really want to even see him much less sleep with him. But I'm not sure I want the marriage to be over, and he says if I don't do this for him, he'll be filing for divorce as soon as he is released.

It infuriates me that he could be so selfish about this when his behavior is destroying our lives.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

He's sounds selfish. 
Do you really think he'll change?
Sounds like he hasn't learned his lesson.
He should be begging for forgiveness, not demanding sex.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Your H has been arrested/charged and convicted of drug related charges twice and you are a social worker? You know the answer to this.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@CMD1978 you're a social worker & you're enabling this behaviour??


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## CMD1978 (Apr 9, 2016)

The first charge happened over 20 years ago before I even met him. Unfortunately the court still chose to hold it against him, partly because it involved violence.

I had no idea he was even using again (as far as I knew he hadn't in the time I've known him) until a little more than a week before he got arrested. And I played a part in getting him (and his buddies) busted. Jail time is the best way for him to get clean. If he does get clean I will try to save our marriage. But if he's going to continue his selfish manipulative behavior then maybe I shouldn't even wait for his jail term to end to start the divorce.

And right at the moment I'm not working at any job. We were both put on indefinite administrative leave. I'm sure he will be terminated once the appropriate paperwork has gone through his union but NYS Teacher's Union could take 5 years. I can't go back to my job until a determination is made that I handled my knowledge of his drug use appropriately. It's not easy to prove that I didn't find out he was using until the very day before I turned him in to my supervisor (who is the one who officially involved the cops).


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@CMD1978 I don't think you should have conjugal visits if he's demanding them, it's not fair to you. 
Has he always behaved in this manner or is it due to his relapse? 

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## CMD1978 (Apr 9, 2016)

His demanding tendencies have always been there but have gotten significantly worse over the past year. He never actually told me when he started using again but I'm guessing it started early last year (around Feb 2015?) when he got put on prescription pain pills after injuring his shoulder. My assumption has been that those meds got him started on the path to harder stuff again. I'm not sure exactly what he was using either. I only know the cops found at least half a dozen different totally illegal drugs in the house when they busted his little gaming group. Their dealer is looking at serving some serious time. The rest of the group got off pretty lightly since only my H had a prior conviction for violence under the influence of an illegal substance.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Take some time, figure out if you want to stay married to him or not.
There is a possibility that he could relapse again & again before he gets clean.
You have to ask yourself, "am I willing to put up with this?"




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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

you turned him? 

why not confront him about it before turning him in and ruining his career? and maybe yours? 

either its a deal breaker or not.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Conjugal visitation, my a$$!

He should be extremely grateful that you haven't already visited your local barrister to begin the process of ending this charade of a marriage!

I wouldn't be overly concerned about his sexual needs! He'll find himself a way to work that all out!
*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

CMD1978 said:


> Do you believe that a wife owes her husband conjugal visits while he is serving out a prison term? What if she's not sure she's going to stay married to him due to what he did to end up in jail and his horrible behavior in the months leading up to his arrest?
> 
> My H has just been sentenced to a 6 month sentence for drug possession (2nd conviction). He wants (and is allowed) conjugal visits. I'm still so angry and hurt I don't really want to even see him much less sleep with him. But I'm not sure I want the marriage to be over, and he says if I don't do this for him, he'll be filing for divorce as soon as he is released.
> 
> It infuriates me that he could be so selfish about this when his behavior is destroying our lives.


Yeah, you should stay infuriated. If you feel up to it, visit him once or twice for nonconjugal visits to get a feel for how he views his future. But anyone who would manipulate you the way he seems to be is not good relationship material.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

How the hell does someone with a conviction for a violent offense end up as a teacher? He owed you (and society) a certain level of behavior but he selfishly took care of his own desires. Regarding his conjugal visits, he can want in one hand and crap in the other and see which hand fills the quickest.


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## RainbowBrite (Dec 30, 2015)

CMD1978 said:


> Do you believe that a wife owes her husband conjugal visits while he is serving out a prison term? What if she's not sure she's going to stay married to him due to what he did to end up in jail and his horrible behavior in the months leading up to his arrest?
> 
> My H has just been sentenced to a 6 month sentence for drug possession (2nd conviction). He wants (and is allowed) conjugal visits. I'm still so angry and hurt I don't really want to even see him much less sleep with him. But I'm not sure I want the marriage to be over, and he says if I don't do this for him, he'll be filing for divorce as soon as he is released.
> 
> It infuriates me that he could be so selfish about this when his behavior is destroying our lives.


If you want to encourage him to continue walking all over you and treating you like crap, then keep giving into his demands.


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## Grogmiester (Nov 23, 2015)

I don't believe you owe him conjugal visits. I think he's made decisions that have landed him in the place he is in.

Maybe take the six months to focus on you and how you are going to proceed with getting your life back in order. You have to figure out how to get your administrative suspension lifted so you can live and pay your bills. Take care of you right now!


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

You ratted him out and as a result he will lose his job for sure and you might be terminated as well.

You did this because it's the best way for him to come clean. 

If that's your only option, then things are so bad between the two of you that conjugal visits are the least of your problems. 

He's already threatening you with divorce, he's a drug dealing, drug abusing loser with no redeeming qualities. Well he might have a few good qualities but they are obliterated by the bad. Especially now that he's unemployed with virtually no chance of regaining employment in his chosen profession. 

He's like the concrete block tied to one of your ankles and you just fell overboard. You see that knife in your hand? Cut the rope.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

I would say that by using again, not only did he put his own means of earning an income in jeopardy, he's also put your means of earning a living at risk. This is evidenced by the fact that you're currently not allowed to work. I really think that if you stay with your husband you're going to have to retrain and find a new career path. Is this what you want? He won't be able to work in that field again after doing time for drugs and you'll need to think very carefully about whether or not you will be allowed to stay on that career path if you're married to, and living with, a person who has served time for drug offenses. I don't know where you live but I do know that in the UK you have to pass criminal records bureau checks to work with children, do social work, work in libraries, work with vulnerable people, etc. Not only do you have to disclose any of your own convictions, but you also have to disclose convictions relating to a person you share a home with or are married to. Although this might seem a bit draconian, the rules are there for a good reason - they are designed to protect the vulnerable people you come into contact with in your work. Imagine if you find yourself at some future date wanting to apply for a promotion or a better job and the fact that your husband has been in prison means that you would not be deemed suitable to do the work. You need to think very carefully here about your future and your potential future income. As for conjugal rights - I'm not sure exactly how it works, but visiting a prison to have sex with an inmate is hardly romantic or sexy - it all sounds a bit sordid to me.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Why are you afraid of losing him?


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

If you don't leave him now, after what he has done, what does he have to do so that you DO leave him? Kill you?
Where do you draw the line?
The ship is sinking. Maybe it's the right time to jump off, unless you like drowning.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Whenever posts to this thread and I see it in my control panel I think about the show Orange is the New Black.

That show was pretty good for it's first 2 seasons and then I don't know what happened but it was all downhill from there.

Some scenes were notably better than others.










Just say'en


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

CMD1978 said:


> Do you believe that a wife owes her husband conjugal visits while he is serving out a prison term? What if she's not sure she's going to stay married to him due to what he did to end up in jail and his horrible behavior in the months leading up to his arrest?
> 
> My H has just been sentenced to a 6 month sentence for drug possession (2nd conviction). He wants (and is allowed) conjugal visits. I'm still so angry and hurt I don't really want to even see him much less sleep with him. But I'm not sure I want the marriage to be over, and he says if I don't do this for him, he'll be filing for divorce as soon as he is released.
> 
> It infuriates me that he could be so selfish about this when his behavior is destroying our lives.


No.

What about your needs? most woman need affection, conversation, and time together to keep them bonded with their man in order to desire sex in the first place. How can you have that when he is in prison?

He broke the law and got caught. He brought this on himself.

2nd drug offense? Yikes. That does not sound like a story that will end with "happily ever after." I urge you to divorce him and find a law abiding man, or be alone.

It's funny, my H has never done drugs in his life. Every now and then I think "I wish we could smoke pot together, just once every couple years... but he won't even consider it." Then I think - I should not have married someone so uptight. Then I read a story like yours and realize how fortunate I am to have a spouse where I never worry about him getting in trouble with the law or doing drugs or any other number of reckless things.

ETA: Maybe it's just me but the idea of a "conjugal visit" is just downright creepy to me. What, you go into a room alone with your H and everyone knows you're there to have sex? Ick.

And yes, he's selfish. Most drug abusers are.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Instead of worrying about what you owe him, he needs to start thinking about what he owes others.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

WorkingWife said:


> ETA: Maybe it's just me but the idea of a "conjugal visit" is just downright creepy to me. What, you go into a room alone with your H and everyone knows you're there to have sex? Ick.


In my neck of the woods, the prison has little cabins on the grounds, and any approved family members can come spend a weekend with their imprisoned family member in the cabin. You bring your groceries for the weekend and do whatever you want in there. Obviously, if parents, or a sibling, come to visit, it wouldn't be sex.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> In my neck of the woods, the prison has little cabins on the grounds, and any approved family members can come spend a weekend with their imprisoned family member in the cabin. You bring your groceries for the weekend and do whatever you want in there. Obviously, if parents, or a sibling, come to visit, it wouldn't be sex.


Your neck of the woods sounds a lot nicer than what I imagined. Fortunately all I know of prison and conjugal visits is what I've learned from TV/Movies.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
No one EVER owes someone else sex - whether or not you are married. If you do not feel like going to the prison to have sex with him, you don't need to. 

BUT - no one ever should feel trapped in a relationship. If he does not want to stay married if you turn down conjugal visits, he has every right to do so.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

A guy we know was just sentenced to 14 years in prison for his 3rd drug related offense. The first two were many moons ago and everyone thought this guy had changed his life. You’d never know him as a dealer just by being around him. Well, he got “caught up” in the life again and got caught dealing. Since it was his third offense, the three strike rule applied and he got a much harsher sentence. His sons play football for my husbands team. Every time they visit him in prison they can’t even practice because their emotions are all over the place. These teenage (high school) boys will come to practice crying, get very angry or loud with team mates and coaches, basically not able to function because they are so drained from the stress of having to visit their dad in prison for the next 13 years (he’s been in for one year already). 

Is that how you’re prepared to live your life if your husband goes back down this path again? 

I am a pretty forgiving person, but my husband doing something that could land him in prison may be the one thing that I cannot forgive. Each crime doesn’t just have 1 victim. There is a trickle of victims that spiral out of control when someone decides to do something illegal. 

Personally, I don’t think I could do it.


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