# Embarassing Her



## feedermail (Sep 21, 2009)

Hey everyone,

So, I'm engaged to this girl I'm absolutely crazy about. Our families get along really well, she was the one who approached me, things are great.

Here's a problem: Recently, her grandmother who she is very close to went through a stroke and is close to leaving this world. Its a difficult situation for them, and its been really tough on her and her family.

The problem is, a few times, I've done things that I thought were me just being sweet, but they really backfired and she got upset at me.

For example, I casually mentioned that she should meet my brother, and she became very upset that I would bring up such a topic at such a hard time for them.

Also, that I had not visited her grandmother until 3 days after the stroke. She was expecting me to come over immediately and I didn't do so. That upset her- she said she was disappointed in me. The reason I did not is because I wanted to give her and her family time. I recall when my grandparents died, these crowds of sincere people came to our house. It was nice, but too overwhelming at such a hard time.

When I did visit her grandmother at the hospital, she said I told her cousin (who I'm developing a friendly relationship with) that I had only heard about the stroke a day ago- instead of 3 days ago- which would constitute a lie. She confronted me about this. I do not even recollect saying that.

I don't remember the two other times, but I inadvertently embarrassed her.

The thing is, I'm NOT trying to. I'm trying to be civil and respectful. I swear to God, I'm just trying to be nice and make nice conversation, like while we're both at work online. But, I keep getting slammed for doing what I perceive to be nice things, but she perceives to be insensitive things.

Keep in mind that she LOVES her grandmother and this is a very difficult time for her and her family. But, is this her just getting upset when she should not, or is this me being insensitive at a very hard time for them?

I'm afraid that these types of misunderstandings and differences might cause serious long-term disputes in marriage.

Please keep in mind that we both come from VERY traditional, conservative backgrounds- I'm probably a BIT more liberal than her.


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## grrrrr (Sep 16, 2009)

I was very close to my grandmother and the person that I was dating at the time was not close anyone in her family and could not understand my loss. 

The only thing I wanted was for her to be there for me and be supportive. In my opinion the key is to listen to what she is saying about her grandmother and not say a word unless she asks! 

Keep trying to show your support and notice when she needs you. Remember this is not about you, but her. Being there for her when you can is all that you can do. 

When people have strokes things get confusing for them. I know my grandfather had 8 of them! It took him a while to remember who I was after each one. 

Just relax! Try not to give to much advice either. There maybe nothing you can say that will be right. 

I wish you the best of luck, and I will try and think of something else for you if I can.


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## OFM_Tom (Sep 18, 2009)

People react to stress in different ways. I know many that will lash out ONLY at the ones they love when highly stressed. If that is your girlfriend, it is actually a compliment that she is being mean! 

I think your question is - "What does this mean in the long run?" Well, it's just too early to know. If I were in your situation, I'd probably hold my tongue for now, let her get to a less stressful place, and see how she reacts. If she apologizes or at least can see how unfair she was being, well, then you've got something to work with. If she's still mad, still embarrassed, and unwilling to see your side, then you've got some serious thinking to do. Just remember, getting married doesn't make personality quirks like this better - if anything they tend to get worse. 

On a personal note, with my wife, I know if I let her blood sugar get too low I tend to get snapped at a lot more. I remember the first time she really jumped on me unfairly - I was shocked and didn't know how to react. It was so unlike her. But after dinner, we talked about it and she apologized. Of course, this is a few orders of magnitude less severe than what you are describing but it is along the same lines.


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## OFM_Tom (Sep 18, 2009)

grrrrr said:


> Try not to give to much advice either. There maybe nothing you can say that will be right.


Ditto that. Being there is probably more than enough.


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## feedermail (Sep 21, 2009)

I understand that and I'm trying to do that. I call them daily and I've come over maybe 3 times for 2 weeks.

I'll DEFINITELY be there for her, but I'm more worried about embarrassing her in ways I don't even realize I am.

No one wants to be an embarrassment.


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

This is usually a difficult time for everyone involved. Tension and stress is running high, no doubt. Try to be as supportive and helpful as you can. Sometime during times such as these, emotions are not at their best. Hang in there and I wish you the best!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

feedermail said:


> When I did visit her grandmother at the hospital, she said I told her cousin (*who I'm developing a friendly relationship with*) that I had only heard about the stroke a day ago- instead of 3 days ago- which would constitute a lie. She confronted me about this. I do not even recollect saying that.


This comment sticks out to me. I'm betting this cousin is a woman, right? Danger Will Robinson, danger. This friendly relationship (as you see it), could be a testing mechanism by your lady to see if you will make a pass. 

Also, if your lady ASKED YOU to go visit the grandmother and you decide that it is best to NOT GO until later, what's up with that?

Your role is to be supportive in that kind of situation, not tell to tell her you'll wait until later is being supportive. I think really, that you were uncomfortable with being there at that time as a part of a cattle call. You had your reasons, but not the stated ones.

What you did not catch, is that she was thinking of you as FAMILY in a way that you do not feel yet. her expectations of what that means for you going forward is that she assumes you will behave as her family behaves even though you were not brought up the same way as she was. So you have some adjusting to do. Either talk to her about expectations the both of you have about what's expected, not just of you, but of her too.


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## 20yrs (Sep 18, 2009)

You are learning a lot about her now will this high stress level so just stay calm and work things through with her... if you feel uncomfortable with how she reacts to stress , then you may want to talk about it after things kinda settle down, because you are right.... there is a lot of stress in marriage and you want to make sure you are a good match for each other.


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## WTFshewants (Sep 12, 2009)

I have to agree that this situation may come up again and again whenever there is stress involved. I would focus on how the two of you sort out your differences a little bit more than focusing on the differences themselves - because those can be worked out.

For instance, when you explain your intentions, are you forgiven? Does she want to work problems out with you? When you explain that your actions were done out of respect for her, does she try to see the situation from your point of view? Does she consider your feelings and ideas? How do you feel when your disagreement is over? Does something you thought she was "over" come back up again if you happen to upset her about something else in the future?

Pay attention to your reactions to disagreements, too. How well do you communicate with her when you're the angry one?

In a fair and healthy relationship, partners see no sense in berating one another, degrading one another, closing themselves off, needing to pin blame, or holding grudges.

Remember, you are engaged right now. The reactions you both have to when disagreements or misunderstandings, such as this is, could get overlooked if you two focus too much on finding a solution instead of how you come to an understanding together. In healthy relationships, partners try to communicate in ways that will grow the love and respect they already have for each other. Honoring each other comes first, then the solutions can be talked over. 

Scrambling to make everything okay every time you make a mistake, wittingly or not, can be harmful to your spirit.

Having a loving relationship where both partners talk things over and listen to each other is no far-fetched idea - but it does require willing (and emotionally mature) participants.

Good luck!
Wendy

Why Couples Don’t Have Sex More Often


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## OFM Pat (Sep 21, 2009)

feedermail said:


> She was expecting me to come over immediately and I didn't do so. That upset her- she said she was disappointed in me. The reason I did not is because I wanted to give her and her family time. I recall when my grandparents died, these crowds of sincere people came to our house. It was nice, but too overwhelming at such a hard time.


I think this may be a root cause. You made an assumption about what she would like based on your past experiences. Now granted, if you spent all your time asking her what she wanted you to do, that would backfire, but obviously what you thought was appropriate did not jibe with what she wanted...


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

If she wants something from you, she needs to communicate that to you. not get upset with you when you dont read her mind. she's going to have you walking on eggshells in no time.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

You give no context at all about meeting your brother - did you ask her to go out for the night with the two of you?

As for the waiting 3 days. Why didn't you just ask her - the day after the stroke - simple question: When is a good time for me to visit your grandmother?

In both cases, maybe you were being a bit socially unaware. 




feedermail said:


> Hey everyone,
> 
> So, I'm engaged to this girl I'm absolutely crazy about. Our families get along really well, she was the one who approached me, things are great.
> 
> ...


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