# educated woman in relationship with an uneducated man -does it work?



## Maria78

Hi everyone, 

First of all, I'm sorry about my title, which may make it seem as if I thought that I was something special (saying that I'm educated) and that my future hubby is not ('cause he's uneducated). This is not the case. I would simply like to ask others in the same situation, that is, an educated wife (for example master's degree) with an uneducated husband (not even high school degree), whether they are having too many problems. I'd really want our relationship to work, 'cause my boyfriend is really loyal with me, but I have some problems with our interests and taste issues etc.

Please, could you post me some experiences of your own, thanks a lot in advance!

-M-


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## Maria78

Please, anyone? I don't know what to do!


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## Coffee Amore

I feel for you. I think you might get flamed by some, but here's a previous thread on a similar topic.  "Is Intellectual Compatibility Important?" My response is in that thread.


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## Maria78

Thanks, I'll check that out. I'm just so alone with my feelings...


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## costa200

Personal opinion, it can work, but it probably won't. Couples with a severe difference in real education (not only academic but the rest too) seem to be quite rare.


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## that_girl

I almost have my masters.

My husband has his HS diploma and his mechanics license.

But he's SUPER smart and reads a TON. We have great conversations and never had an issue with intelligence.


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## costa200

that_girl said:


> I almost have my masters.
> 
> My husband has his HS diploma and his mechanics license.
> 
> But he's SUPER smart and reads a TON. We have great conversations and never had an issue with intelligence.


Let's not equate academic achievements with intelligence. I've met plenty of idiots with Ph-D's hanging in walls.


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## mel123

If you cant respect him, let him go. Men need respect more than love.

Education has nothing to do with intelligence. There are a vast number of college drop outs, who have been extremely successful and are now household names, because of their products, services and inventions.You can have Intelligence and a sharp mind and not be college educated 

Both you and he deserve to be happy. You are wise, exploring your feelings now. I would like to have stimulating intellectual conversations with my wife, but that doesn't happen. I really wish I had that. Don't marry him If you need that , he wont be able to satisfy you.I wish I had given that more thought before I was married.I truly wish you the best in your decision


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## nandosbella

i think it depends on the individual. usually people equate degrees with determination and drive... but i think school isnt for everybody, and you've gotta repsect someone's choice to go or not to go. 

the manager at my bank started working in high school and now she's the manager at 26. she dropped out of college after she was promoted twice and she's so smart. i have a degree and i'm a freakin part time teller working under her... so a degree isnt eveything. but i have a home and a husband and to me THAT was more important than a career. 

just depends... just dont let him use his lack of an education as an excuse... good luck!!


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## credamdóchasgra

I agree that educational level and intelligence aren't necessarily the same thing. You can be with someone who is formally uneducated, but insightful, a stimulating conversationalist, curious, and interested in learning.

Only you can ask yourself some of the important questions:

Do you feel bored or frustrated when you have conversations with him?
Do you have to explain things or dumb things down so he'll understand? is that ok with you? (sometimes it's not bad)
Do you feel connected with him when you talk, and when you experience things in life together?
Does he make you laugh? Intelligence and humor are related.

My husband and I are on different formal education levels. I have two master's degrees. He has a bachelor's. To be honest, I used to get frustrated because I *thought* he didn't understand things on a deep level with me, and I thought we really couldn't connect. But he's smart--a different kind of intelligence. He thinks quickly and sometimes superficially, fact-based; I process more slowly and in depth. This caused some problems in the past, but we are starting to actually grow together and influence each other--he's starting to slow down and let things sink in, and I'm becoming more decisive and practical.
so I guess my answer to you would be: it's in the connection between you at a more foundational level, deeper than just your different educational levels.
There may be things in life you can't share with him, or that he won't understand. But if the things where you DO connect outweigh, then it could work. I hope this helps!


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## credamdóchasgra

Also---have you heard of Multiple Intelligence theory?

People are intelligent in different ways: verbal, spatial, kinesthetic, nature-related, interpersonal, intra-personal, musical

What are your husband's strengths and skills? If you can genuinely respect his intelligence in those areas, it might help you see what you need to help you answer these questions.


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## that_girl

costa200 said:


> Let's not equate academic achievements with intelligence. I've met plenty of idiots with Ph-D's hanging in walls.


Right. But wasn't that her question?

Just answering it. Geebus.


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## costa200

that_girl said:


> Right. But wasn't that her question?
> 
> Just answering it. Geebus.


Hahaha... I know, i just wanted to drop a hammer on that mole.


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## Therealbrighteyes

costa200 said:


> Let's not equate academic achievements with intelligence. I've met plenty of idiots with Ph-D's hanging in walls.


Yes, they would be idiots if they hung them IN walls.


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## moxy

It isn't differences in educational achievements, but differences in values and life goals that you should worry about. Per-marriage counseling to see if you have the same goals, values, and intentions (or compatible ones) might help you two.


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## unbelievable

Don't confuse education with academic achievement. To me, "educated" implies interest and ability in acquiring knowledge. If two people are continual learners, each growing in knowledge and interests, I don't think differences in diplomas mean anything. If, on the other hand, one has varied interests and thirsts for knowledge and the other is content to smash beer cans on his forehead and belch, there is a problem. I've known several highly educated people who don't even have HS diplomas and I've met people with graduate degrees who seemed utterly clueless. My brother has a HS diploma and a blue collar job. He's a history buff and a voracious reader. His wife has a Masters degree. They are each very educated in their own fields and they both share common interests in a variety of topics. They can discuss and debate for hours and both respect the other's opinion. In short,they both admire the other and they most genuinely enjoy each others' company.


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## Cosmos

Whilst I prefer to be around people with a similar level of intelligence to myself, formal education itself doesn't always mean an intelligent enquiring mind - nor does it guarantee success in life. It's what people do with their education that matters most.


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## couple

I think we beat the 'education does not equal intelligence' thing to death. The OP said that her problem is that they have interest and taste differences. This is not unusual in relationships and only the OP can determine if these differences are too severe to overcome. Also remember that people change over time and can grow closer together or further apart in interests and tastes.

Sometimes earlier on in relationships, strong physical attraction, sex, passion and just having good fun together are enough to make a relationship good. These things certainly don't end with marriage but they do usually have their ups and downs during a long term relationship. Having nothing else in common but these things could mean trouble for a relationship over many years.

However, interests and tastes are just at the periphery of a person. VALUES are at the core. Having a misalignment of values is more severe than a misalignment of interests and tastes. Some educated people have pursuit of education/learning as a core part of their value system. Not all educated people do, however. Some might just view their degrees as a way to get ahead in their job and it's not necessarily a core part of their values (ie not a core part of how they think a life should be lived). Same goes for other things like fitness/athletics, responsibility for extended family, experiencing the world through travel, etc. Many people travel but for some, seeing the world is a core part of how they think life should be lived. They think that those who have never really seen the world have not really lived. I think you get the idea.

I suggest that you do some self-exploration to determine what things are within your core values as a person (as opposed to just interests tastes or pieces of paper with academic qualifications printed on them). Only then can you assess the extent to which your partner is aligned to these values.


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## waiwera

I'm educated... I'll be a student for life. I love learning and studying.

My h does not ... however he is much much smarter than me. He was simply born smarter. It doesn't bother me in any way. He manages life better than me in most ways and I admire him for it.. 

We both have so much to offer to our relationship...


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## costa200

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Yes, they would be idiots if they hung them IN walls.


Typo, i swear... 
I have a bad case of hereditary chubby stonemason-like fingers!


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## Sbrown

that_girl said:


> I almost have my masters.
> 
> My husband has his HS diploma and his mechanics license.
> 
> But he's SUPER smart and reads a TON. We have great conversations and never had an issue with intelligence.


I think TG hit the nail on the head. Education does NOT equate intelligence. 

To the OP if you are ALREADY seeing problems, don't ignore them. They wont go away!


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## OhGeesh

I don't see where it matters!! The wealthiest guy I know has a GED owns a construction company has a 11 car garage 9800 sq/ft house. 

I know people with Masters that have 30k/yr jobs. If you mean it's more you are vastly more knowledgeable than he is than maybe. Or if you are not intellectually stimulated by him than maybe. 

aka if he is dumb as bricks and you are really smart yes there may be a problem.


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## norajane

If you're already questioning it, it seems like it is a big enough issue for you.

Get to the heart of it - is it really his education level that is the issue, or other things about him that you are not compatible with (that may be related to education, that may be related to why he didn't go to school, or that may be about how he was raised and what he finds interesting rather than education per se).

For example, I'd have a hard time being with someone who doesn't read and doesn't get it that I consider reading an important activity. That has nothing to do with education level. I'd also have a hard time being with someone who barely scrapes by financially, and that may or may not have something to do with their education level.


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## credamdóchasgra

I've seen happily married couples with a discrepancy in their educational levels. But an advanced degree vs. not even high school diploma might be a stretch--I haven't seen that. Doesn't mean it can't work.

It depends on what you want in a marriage, and what you want to share with your husband, vs. what you are ok NOT sharing with him in your experience of life together.


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## Starstarfish

I think the thing here will be the potential for strife as far as goals and ambitions goes. 

Why for example, did your boyfriend never graduate high school? Was the issue a lack of initiative or drive? Is this a recurring pattern? Why didn't he go back and get his GED? Did he go right into the work force, has he been consistently employed? 

Is his lack of education holding him back? If so, does he plan on addressing that at some point?

How does your boyfriend feel about the reality that you might be the main "breadwinner" because you have more income potential? What will everyone's roles and responsibilities be? Are you okay with the idea that your incomes might be disparate? Do you have elaborate financial dreams (sprees to Europe, huge house, etc) that might strife against that reality?


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## chasingcars

i have a masters and my husband is a lorry driver, left school at 15. 25yrs together
i adore him, but conversation can be lacking sometimes  
i've learnt to read whilst he watches what i consider rubbish on tv and we have a shared interest in history.
he knows more facts that any of my traditionally 'educated' friends.
he comes to my black tie doos (and looks gorgeous) and i go to his lorry dos (and look nerdy)
hes not bothered about his lack of education and our eldest daughter is a doctor (nearly), 2nd studying marine zoology and 3rd still in school, top of every subject and wants to be a forensic scientist so the good old nature nurture debate rears its ugly head - my advice follow your heart x


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## Thewife

I have 2 diplomas and 2 degrees and currently starting masters but my H didn't make past HS. We are married for 14 yrs and I wouldn't want it any other way. Its not about what papers you have earned its about what life lessons you have learned. He had to work from a very young age due to family circumstances and life has taught him very well, he is very intelligent (both IQ and EQ). He has grown a lot at work though experience and does much better than some with masters. Like some said, its about how much we continue to learn. 

Now your question is not the paper qualifications but the differences in general, if you think its going to be difficult it will be difficult. Look into your own priorities and what is important to you in life and you will find the answer. Everyone is different what worked for me may not work for you.


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## mobetter61

A person can self-educate. There were doctors before there were great universities. However, since I have been there done that, if the person refuses to self educate, it can be a real problem.

They will resent you & you will start to resent them. It is a really sad situation.

Make sure that they are lovers of education, even if it is self-induced.


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## Coffee Amore

You resurrected a discussion that's over a year old. The mods will likely lock it. You can always open a new thread if you want to discuss this topic, mobetter61.


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## FormerSelf

I think it is very common for women to look at the earning potential of their husband vs. their own. In this modern day and age, we are "supposed" to overlook such things...but many woman can't seem to do that...and the fact that how education is often equated with success and trajectory...women often lose respect for their partners whose trajectory does not exceed theirs...as it seems to correlate with instinct-driven desire for their husband to provide the security, protection, and the main share of the earnings. I am not sure if this is related to your concerns or not...but I suppose you need to ask yourself what bothers you about this...does it really bother you personally or is it related to what you fear others will think...or both? Or are you seeing more and more evidence of incompatibility?? I suppose you need to look at what the value of education means to you in terms of a committed relationship...is it just a personal value...or is it related to fears of not"growing" together...that you may excel while he stays the same? Does his standing embarrass you? There are a lot of questions to ponder for yourself...because it would be really lousy for you to start retaining a lot of contempt and resentment for him without having a real explanation in your mind as to why this bothers you. Then you have to power to decide to see if it really doesn't matter and that you can accept him how he is...or you can start a dialogue about your concerns and see how he responds...or you can make the call that you can't see yourself lasting long in a relationship with an uneducated man. But overall...I think if you come into this...dead set on trying to change HIM to meet your expectations...is a setup for disaster...as he will probably start to feel a lot of guilt and shame over it...and you will just become resentful and possibly start blaming him for a lot of things. Better to check your motives and then get real with boyfriend about what your struggling with...and then probably make a decision about the future...together or no.

I heard someone joke on tv today that women fear that their man will NEVER change, men FEAR that their woman WILL change!


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## moxy

You may have issues that you don't anticipate. In many ways, the institutions of higher education condition us in certain ways that those who don't partake in grad degrees tend to avoid. This is not a value judgement or an issue of snobbery. However, in trying not to be a snob you may be second guessing issues that could turn into something bigger in the marriage. If you're worried, do some pre-marriage couple's counseling *together* to see how compatible you are with regard to: problem-solving skills, financial attitudes, approaches to emotional pressure and problems, family relationships, and ideas about work-life balance, long-term goals, and personal investment; the way you have chosen to condition yourself in negotiating those issues will have more bearing on your married life than simply the extent to which you've been formally educated, but...sometimes, those things are related.


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## Omego

It's also a question of cultural references. If you can't talk about the same things, it could be difficult. This has nothing to do with intelligence, it has to do with environment and intellectual background....


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## theroad

costa200 said:


> Let's not equate academic achievements with intelligence. I've met plenty of idiots with Ph-D's hanging in walls.


Never a shortage of educated dummies.

Education does not guarantee morals, integrity, honesty, class.


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## SurpriseMyself

I suspect you are asking this question because he doesn't stimulate you intellectually. If that is important to you, then you will likely have a hard time feeling connected to him. What do you talk about over dinner, for example? If you want to talk about something on a deeper level and he'd rather avoid deep conversations, then you'll be a frustrated wife.


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## SurpriseMyself

moxy said:


> You may have issues that you don't anticipate. In many ways, the institutions of higher education condition us in certain ways that those who don't partake in grad degrees tend to avoid. This is not a value judgement or an issue of snobbery. However, in trying not to be a snob you may be second guessing issues that could turn into something bigger in the marriage. If you're worried, do some pre-marriage couple's counseling *together* to see how compatible you are with regard to: problem-solving skills, financial attitudes, approaches to emotional pressure and problems, family relationships, and ideas about work-life balance, long-term goals, and personal investment; the way you have chosen to condition yourself in negotiating those issues will have more bearing on your married life than simply the extent to which you've been formally educated, but...sometimes, those things are related.


Great advice! My H has a Master's degree, but I find talking to him like trying to talk to a wall. He has no interest in doing any real problem solving, talking about emotional issues or relationships, investment strategies or our future. It's draining and lonely.


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## Horizon

Hi Maria,

I have a degree. My partner left highschool at 16 (year 10 - Leaving Certificate it was called then). However she makes all the $; is doing extremely well. She, like her father was, is very bright.

I'm more "intellectual" if you like - read a lot more non-fiction whereas my partner just love trash mags and fiction - brain candy, decompression stuff where you don't have to think. TV the same - she loves the medical dramas and The Bachelor / Bachelorette type stuff - reality junk. I can do it but I prefer serious docos etc.

I have a much broader interest in politics and art, History, literature etc. My partner can most definitely hold a conversation but I can tell when she's kind of faking it when I head off on one of my "observations".

I'm a bit cynical, whereas she just wants to get on with life. Whether the fact that I am a bit more educated is a burden is hard to say. 

Best wishes Horizon.


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## LoveLonely

Maria78 said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> First of all, I'm sorry about my title, which may make it seem as if I thought that I was something special (saying that I'm educated) and that my future hubby is not ('cause he's uneducated). This is not the case. I would simply like to ask others in the same situation, that is, an educated wife (for example master's degree) with an uneducated husband (not even high school degree), whether they are having too many problems. I'd really want our relationship to work, 'cause my boyfriend is really loyal with me, but I have some problems with our interests and taste issues etc.
> 
> Please, could you post me some experiences of your own, thanks a lot in advance!
> 
> -M-


I am probably an extreme example. Regardless of what is said by me or anyone else, it is a decision that only you can make. Everyone has needs that are unique to themselves. Let me also say that I am highly educated with a doctorate. Having said that, many of the biggest morons I have ever met were in academia. Many of the smartest people I have ever met never went to college.


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## ScarletBegonias




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## jld

I agree with ebp that it depends on how important intellectual stimulation is to you, and that can happen independently of a degree. 

I could not be with a man with whom I could not have deep, stimulating conversation on a variety of topics. That would not have been the only deal breaker, but a man who was not really smart could never have been more than a friend to me.


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## Jellybeans

costa200 said:


> Let's not equate academic achievements with intelligence. I've met plenty of idiots with Ph-D's hanging in walls.



:rofl:

And whoever said that values is the bigger deal, I agree with that.

I am college-edumacated.  And still in school working on a degree and wish I could go to school forever because I love it so much. My exH was not college-educated and to this day, is one of the smartest, most ambitious men I have ever met. His brain works in a way that is totally fascinating. It never bothered me, the education levels.

Now with that said, one of my girlfriends, soon looking to do her doctorate has told me point blank she has zero interest in being with a man who isn't as 'degree'd' as she is. To me, I think that is missing out on a lot of potential guys but you have to find what works for you. To each their own.

That said, that is me. If you have a problem with it and cannot respect him as man because of that, then let him go. Because that's not fair and like Mel said: 



mel123 said:


> If you cant respect him, let him go. Men need respect more than love.


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## Jellybeans

ScarletBegonias said:


>


 Oops!


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## treyvion

theroad said:


> Never a shortage of educated dummies.
> 
> Education does not guarantee morals, integrity, honesty, class.


All of these wonderful qualities may be "weak" in a heavily politicized and dirty environment...


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## lookinforhelpandhope

I really don't think level of education makes any difference at all. What can make a difference is having the same or similar level of intelligence.


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## mxpx4182

moxy said:


> in trying not to be a snob you may be second guessing issues that could turn into something bigger in the marriage.


^This is so true right here. See my situation: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/156857-how-resolve-differences.html


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## ConanHub

GRAAAA!!!!

ME NO LYK SMARRTT WOOMUN!!!

Just kidding....I'm gonna crawl back in my cave now....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## margi

My husband continues his education and i'm a psychologist (master degree dropout). His father didn't let him go to highschool but he'll finish this year. When we were dating, he once said to me that he'll finish university because he doesn't want to make me feel disappointed. Especially in front of my family. My brothers and parents are highly educated also. That was a great difference in world-view. After 3 years of marriage, i see this clearly. The situation has downfalls for both sides. My parents could never accept him throughly, and sometimes i feel as if he doesn't get the facts i see clearly. It has to do with his personality also but a friend of his told me that's the reason we don't get along sometimes. She said to me if he has a proper university education, that would change him a lot.


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## lifeistooshort

I was much more educated than my ex hb, but it was only an issue to him. He felt inferior and went out of his way to put me down. People shouldn't get involved with someone where they can't deal with the dynamics of the relationship, just like you shouldn't get involved with someone much younger if that age gap is going to make you feel insecure and jealous.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cloaked

Maria78 said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> First of all, I'm sorry about my title, which may make it seem as if I thought that I was something special (saying that I'm educated) and that my future hubby is not ('cause he's uneducated). This is not the case. I would simply like to ask others in the same situation, that is, an educated wife (for example master's degree) with an uneducated husband (not even high school degree), whether they are having too many problems. I'd really want our relationship to work, 'cause my boyfriend is really loyal with me, but I have some problems with our interests and taste issues etc.
> 
> Please, could you post me some experiences of your own, thanks a lot in advance!
> 
> -M-



My wife and I are in a similar boat. She has a degree I do not. I read a lot and I do mean a lot. I probably average 2 to 3 books a month. Mostly history books. My wife rarely reads. I can't discuss ideas or theories with her. It's not the degree that is an issue in our relationship it's the desire to learn that is the issue.

Degree does not equal intelligence. I would argue those who have a degree have drive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catch

I am presently in a relationship with a guy who doesnt have a degree. I have an international master's degree. But I respect him a lot and this helps his confidence too. He is not shy and he is intelligent and works hard at his business. I love him. I have dated degree holders in the past.But its really not abt the classroom. 
The main thing is to have a strong communication and emotional connection. He supports me in many decisions I make regarding my career and I support him in his too. 
Yes sometimes in my quiet moments, for my own prestige may be cos of the eductated family i come from, i wish he was educated; but on second thought, it doesnt affect our relationship which is the ultimate. We have a very good understanding as I make him feel confident about himself.


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## jb02157

Wow, talk about a double standard, so it's perfectly fine for an educated man to marry an uneducated woman but not the other way around. It's the same type of thing concerning divorce laws and how they favor women. This is just one more example of how our society coddles women.


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## 6301

I have a good friend whose 55 who is one of the smartest people I ever knew and he just married a woman whose 43 and I have never met a more stupid person in my life. She's barely functional and it's damn near impossible to have a intelligent conversation with her. So far he doesn't mind but I'll bet the house that in a few years it will get to him mainly because she has come right out and said that she doesn't like to learn new things. I find it pathetic.


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## Tubbalard

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weightlifter

WItch women getting degrees at 1.5x the rate of men, they don't have a huge amount of choice.


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## john117

costa200 said:


> Let's not equate academic achievements with intelligence. I've met plenty of idiots with Ph-D's hanging in walls.



Hey I resemble that remark  my wife too . 

Education tends to raise expectations... If you can manage expectations you're ok.


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## Jellybeans

I think this is really individual and couple-specific.

My ex never went to college and is one of the smartest men I've ever met re: business/financial dealings. He is self-made and never had any formal training whatsoever. I saw him build his own little empire right before my eyes while other men who have had way more education, would never be able to do what he did. 

I think when it's an intellectual thing - that is where waters can muddy. I personally like to be with someone I can converse wit about things I find interesting, etc. 

With that said, it all depends on the person. I am a massive fan of education but having a formal education doesn't make people smart in many other important ways. One of my cousins has a ton of degrees and has ZERO common sense. She never has. I seriously wonder what the hell goes on in her head sometimes. Air?


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## Jellybeans

Zombie thread strikes again. UGH.


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## norajane

jb02157 said:


> Wow, talk about a double standard, so it's perfectly fine for an educated man to marry an uneducated woman but not the other way around. It's the same type of thing concerning divorce laws and how they favor women. This is just one more example of how our society coddles women.


That's what you got from this thread? I didn't see anyone saying anything like what you posted. Even if they had, I don't see how that relates to society "coddling" women. Society isn't making anyone's choices for them about who they marry.

Anyway, this needs to be quoted:



ScarletBegonias said:


>


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## Dogbert

Nice shot girl! You got your zombie XWS right between the eyes. Now let's treat ourselves to some twinkies.


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## jacko jack

I have had two marriages, I have a Masters Degree, first wife did not have basic school education, disaster of a marriage, could not really communicate, however, sex was regular. Second marriage, slightly more educated but still cannot talk/communicate properly, sex is non existent. In my opinion it does matter, but it des depend on the couple.


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## WandaJ

If you can respect him, then you are fine. But if you feel smarter and more sophisticated, that will be a problem


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## unbelievable

If smart women couldn't live with less intelligent men, 99% of marriages would fail because at one time or another, most wives are convinced they married an idiot.


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## Angelou

A friend of mine has her masters and her H i think has his hs diploma. Seems like it works for them. 
What bothers you about it?


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## L.M.COYL

I think it might be quite challenging but only if he is closed-minded. If he is broad minded and curious, whatever his education level, it can work.


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