# No intimacy



## DQB56 (Oct 14, 2012)

My wife and I have been married for 25 years, and we have two children, both in college (one local, one out of state). For years my wife was very attentive to me, and we enjoyed sex often. Over the last five years, my wife has gone through several changes:
•	Started working full-time after several years of staying home with the kids, and then working part-time at my kids’ school;
•	Went through menopause, still has hot-flashes from time to time;
•	Went through depression, and is on medication;
•	After the two kids, my wife never lost the weight. She is now well over 50 pounds overweight, takes high-blood pressure medicine, and does not exercise. 

The first sign that something was wrong was that she stopped enjoying sex; at least stopped enjoying what I was doing during sex. I was a virgin when I met my wife, so I’ve basically tried to do things I know she enjoys. She stopped initiating sex, and started telling me that she needed a back-rub every time before sex. The problem with that was she would either fall asleep, or once I finished giving her a massage, anything I did afterwards was no longer pleasant. At one time, I could touch my wife almost anywhere, and she would start getting excited. This was obviously no longer the case, she became incredibly sensitive everywhere, especially her breasts, so I started asking her what I could do for her. She wouldn’t talk, or she would say that she had a hard time opening up to me. I purchased some books to help us talk through the issues, but they didn’t help or she wouldn’t be honest when answering the questions. After some time, we just wouldn’t have sex at all. Eventually she told me that she loves me, but is “no longer in love with me.” To this day I don’t know what she meant.

The next problem was that I noticed her emailing someone, and she would hide the laptop from me when I came into the room. I became suspicious, and then she accidentally emailed me something meant for someone else. It turned out she had developed a relationship with a co-worker. I’m sure it’s only been emails, but reading the email chain made me upset. This co-worker had given my wife a necklace for Christmas, and she didn’t tell me. Plus, in the email, she said how “she would wear it close to her heart”…my wife hasn’t spoken to me like that in years. When I confronted her about it, she said it was nothing. A year or two later, I found out that she was still emailing this friend. Now the emails had become negative towards me. I confronted her about this, and initially she said she was sorry, and emailed her friend that she couldn’t keep up this relationship, as her family comes first. Afterwards, she wrote me a note (she can’t even talk to me about it) about how nothing was between them, and that she was just venting about her husband, like many wives do. She went on to say that he “listens” to her, they only meet in public, and that my actions showed her that I think I “own” her. I was so upset I couldn’t even talk about it. I don’t know if she is still communicating with this person, because if I bring it up, it’s only going to make her more distant.

When she was going through depression, she went to a doctor to discuss her problem. She told me that she “opened up” and told the doctor things “she’s never told anyone.” I asked her about it, and I believe I was made to be the blame of some of her feelings, that she had a problem with the relationships I've had with certain female co-workers. I would speak openly about all my co-workers to my wife, and we even attended the marriage of a co-worker. I never did anything that would even remotely be considered inappropriate, or anything that would jeopardize my marriage. I’m the sort of person who becomes very close to certain people, and I’ve been told many times what a great husband I must be.

I am a loving husband who makes a good salary, is home every night for my family. I have no social life outside of work, and I was the one helping my kids with homework and tests. I was the one who helped my kids apply for college, apply for scholarships, arrange the transportation, everything. I handle all bills, arrange all vacations, and I’m the one who does the majority of the housework. I pride myself in that I believe love is thinking of the other person first. I take care of myself because I feel my family needs me healthy, so I regularly exercise and could pass for someone 10 years younger. I also have presents for my wife for her birthday, Mother’s Day, Christmas, and any other time I feel she needs a gift. She rarely gives buys me anything, and if she does it’s something impersonal. She can no longer tell me she loves me, and she no longer puts it on cards. The tragic thing is that I’ve kept all the notes she used to leave for me that told me how special and how much she loves me. She no longer even touches me, and when I kiss her or hold her close, I can tell she just wants to get away. We still get along, but only as friends. We discussed going to a therapist, but we never did it.

Both kids are out of the house, so when we get home from work, my wife immediately puts on an old night shirt and takes off all her makeup. Because of her weight gain, she started snoring loudly, so I would have to spend time on the couch to get some sleep, which was tough on me. She now sleeps in one of my kids’ rooms, so now we’re farther apart than ever. 

I think that after her depression and menopause, she developed a very low self-image, and has become very selfish. She only is concerned with things that affect her, and she has distanced herself from all else. She doesn’t keep up with news, she no longer works on projects around the house (she used to make jewelry and paint), and only cares about herself. I bought her an iPad after she had a very tough day at work, and now that’s become her closest friend. She just wants to sit and play games. I feel she’s still depressed and needs help. And in the meantime, I miss having someone care for me, touch me and make me feel special. I miss the intimacy, the closeness and simple physical contact.

Where do I go from here?


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Your wife doesn't like sex or intimacy with YOU.

1. Look in the mirror...become her best option.
2. Learn about Women's needs...become an expert

Rest of steps posted later in a sexless thread.

Steps take time..so you have enough to get started.

Good Luck,
T2


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Is she still having an EA with her co-worker?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Man, this is the oldest story in the world. Your wife is just reading from the standard script without any original creativity added whatsoever. You're going to get pissed off at what follows, but you'll know the score.



DQB56 said:


> My wife and I have been married for 25 years, and we have two children, both in college (one local, one out of state). For years my wife was very attentive to me, and we enjoyed sex often. Over the last five years, my wife has gone through several changes:
> •	Started working full-time... she stopped enjoying sex;


She stopped enjoying sex with YOU. She got to the point where she wanted to stay loyal to one of her "lovers," who she met at her new job. You were demoted to provider/drone. It's your job to the pay the bills and OM's job to fvck the living sh!t out of her, which gives her a [URL="http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/3236328.stm"]crack-like high of dopamine, PEA, norepinephrine, and other brain sex drugs. [/URL]They don't use rubbers, either. That way she can absorb all the mood elevating natural anti-depressants in semen.



DQB56 said:


> • Went through menopause, still has hot-flashes from time to time;


Here's something to read: How Transiting Through Menopause Leads to an Awakened Sex Life in Women



DQB56 said:


> • Went through depression, and is on medication;


As we see, monkey sex self-medication helps in a couple of ways. 



DQB56 said:


> • After the two kids, my wife never lost the weight. She is now well over 50 pounds overweight, takes high-blood pressure medicine, and does not exercise.


No worries. There's always some guy who will hit it. 



DQB56 said:


> She stopped initiating sex, and started telling me that she needed a back-rub every time before sex. The problem with that was she would either fall asleep, or once I finished giving her a massage, anything I did afterwards was no longer pleasant.


Yet more proof that your purpose has changed to being the provider drone. Your a servant, not a worthy sex partner for her royal highness.



DQB56 said:


> At one time, I could touch my wife almost anywhere, and she would start getting excited. This was obviously no longer the case, she became incredibly sensitive everywhere, especially her breasts, so I started asking her what I could do for her.


It's weird for her to have sex with a delta/gamma type guy anymore. She's been getting plowed by somebody better and your touch has become downright creepy.



DQB56 said:


> She wouldn’t talk, or she would say that she had a hard time opening up to me.


What's she going to say," This guy at work fvcks me like you never could?" That's what she was thinking, even though it's bull sh!t, she believes it. Brain sex chemistry in action. Marriage history rewrite. Detaching from husband. Classic.



DQB56 said:


> I purchased some books to help us talk through the issues, but they didn’t help or she wouldn’t be honest when answering the questions. After some time, we just wouldn’t have sex at all.


No matter. Those books were not what was needed anyway. You needed an eye opener to way things really are in relationships. Like this article.
 That link is crass, but it's TRUTH.



DQB56 said:


> Eventually she told me that she loves me, but is “no longer in love with me.” To this day I don’t know what she meant.


It always means exactly the same thing everytime a woman says it. ILYBINILWY. Translation: _"I'm getting my ashes hauled by other man/men, but thanks for all the good times, Mr. Roommate. Keep the checks and the backrubs coming."_



DQB56 said:


> I became suspicious, and then she accidentally emailed me something meant for someone else. It turned out she had developed a relationship with a co-worker. *I’m sure it’s only been emails,*














DQB56 said:


> This co-worker had given my wife a necklace for Christmas, and she didn’t tell me. Plus, in the email, she said how “she would wear it close to her heart”…my wife hasn’t spoken to me like that in years. When I confronted her about it, she said it was nothing.


Of course it was nothing. It was just a thank you for all those...er...emails.




DQB56 said:


> A year or two later, I found out that she was still emailing this friend. Now the emails had become negative towards me.


Of course they were negative to you. You actually allowed her to carry on with other men for years without catching on to what was really happening. This is a massive manhood failure. Your wife had built up an enormous reservoir of contempt for you by that point.



DQB56 said:


> I confronted her about this, and initially she said she was sorry, and emailed her friend that she couldn’t keep up this relationship, as her family comes first.


You shouldn't have bought this.



DQB56 said:


> Afterwards, she wrote me a note (she can’t even talk to me about it) about how nothing was between them, and that she was just venting about her husband, like many wives do. She went on to say that he “listens” to her, they only meet in public, and that my actions showed her that I think I “own” her. I was so upset I couldn’t even talk about it. I don’t know if she is still communicating with this person, because if I bring it up, it’s only going to make her more distant.


This is all BS. She's guilty as hell and she's afraid to talk face to face. As far as distance goes, it doesn't get any worse than ILYBINILWY. you've already got that one.



DQB56 said:


> When she was going through depression, she went to a doctor to discuss her problem. She told me that she “opened up” and told the doctor things “she’s never told anyone.”


 Umm...that would be about her cuckolding you. That was the big secret. Do your kids look like you?




DQB56 said:


> I handle all bills, arrange all vacations, and *I’m the one who does the majority of the housework.*


Contrary to the propaganda, "Being her maid, won't get you laid."



DQB56 said:


> I pride myself in that I believe love is thinking of the other person first. I take care of myself because I feel my family needs me healthy, so I regularly exercise and could pass for someone 10 years younger. I also have presents for my wife for her birthday, Mother’s Day, Christmas, and any other time I feel she needs a gift.


None of that matters to a woman once she has gotten accustomed to banging outside men. You don't and can't have the allure of the forbidden. You're not a bad boy pvssy hound, they are. You're the provider drone and you fill that role perfectly.




DQB56 said:


> She rarely gives buys me anything, and if she does it’s something impersonal. She can no longer tell me she loves me, and she no longer puts it on cards.


She now knows that, other than her kids, and that's a big "maybe" (I would DNA, KWIM), she's wasted her life with you. After all, if you were really her soul mate, the man she was meant to be with, you would have used your magical soul mate mind reading skilz to detect her affairs and put a stop to them in a manly way that involved dueling, fist fights, and the French Foreign Legion. Unfortunately, she interpreted your amazing cluelessness as proof that you were not much of a man at all. The housework was the QED.



DQB56 said:


> The tragic thing is that I’ve kept all the notes she used to leave for me that told me how special and how much she loves me. She no longer even touches me, and when I kiss her or hold her close, I can tell she just wants to get away.


Wives are repelled by cuckolds who tolerate cuckolding. Your wife sees you as sex rank Omega. It's her doing, not yours. The only fault you're suffering from was actually expecting her to be a decent wife. Sorry about that, you picked the wrong girl.



DQB56 said:


> We still get along, but only as friends. ...
> 
> Where do I go from here?


Where do you want to go? I think she's devalued you so much over such a long period of time due to the affair(s) that she probably can't come back to you. I can make some suggestions and refer you to some books (far from the usual namby pamby) that might help, but it's a long shot.

Either way, it would be a good idea to investigate her, divorce or reconciliation. You need to know if she's still involved. Does she ever go out without you? Work late or GNO?


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Wow!


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

BEFORE you do ANY of the below, you need to figure out what your wife is up to.

I'd be willing to guess that her relationship has gone alot farther than you think.

Put a keylogger on her PC, put a voice activated recorder (VAR) under the front seat of her car with heavy duty velcro and get copies of as many months as you can of her cell phone bill. Look for numerous texts/calls to one or two numbers

Is her cell phone password protected? 

Also, stop doing all that you're doing around the house. Make sure she knows since she has enough time to have a relationship outside the marriage she needs to do at least 50% of the house work!



Trying2figureitout said:


> Your wife doesn't like sex or intimacy with YOU.
> 
> 1. Look in the mirror...become her best option.
> 2. Learn about Women's needs...become an expert
> ...


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