# Advice for blended family



## proudwidaddy

Looking for advice from successful marriages that involve blended families or the step parent situation. I have two children from a previous marriage, GF has no children, I'm wanting to ask her to marry me soon. 

What advice would people have regarding making this work? She's never been married before.


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## PBear

I'm in a very similar situation, except my SO and I are just moving in together. No real plans to ever get married. She's said I can "engage" her. . So I don't have advice yet, but am looking forward to seeing responses. 

What do your custody arrangements look like? My ex has custody of the kids, and I see them whenever it works out. At least once a week, sometimes they stay overnight, sometimes they don't. They only met her (and found out about her) this spring. So far, so good. Kids are 13 and 15. And I've been separated for over 3 years. 

C
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## proudwidaddy

I have my kids three nights a week. They spend the nights here. GF have been together over 18 months but just living together for about two months. I know living together challenges everyone. Add kids to the mix and it adds challenges
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## Hope1964

My husband is my second, I had three kids from my first marriage when we met, he has no kids no previous marriage. I'll call him D. Exh (S) has nothing at all to do with the kids, I have always had sole custody. Kids are 24, 22 and 20, D and I have been married 13 years and lived together 4 years before that.

Things that have worked for us:
- D has never tried to compete with or replace S in any way, or badmouthed him in front of kids
- He has always followed my lead wrt any and all kid decisions
- He has made a point of doing something with each kid once every month or two, even during our split in 2010 (kids choice within reason)
- He has never disciplined them inappropriately - when he did it was always in a way I had pre-approved.


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## Nix

This is relevant to my situation. I am a newlywed. My wife has two kids from a previous marriage. This is my first marriage, no kids. The children live with their father (wife's ex) and we get them every other weekend. We have little to no contact with them in between (wife's choice).

I get along extremely well with both of my stepkids, things are going great there. My issue is that my wife becomes irritated and annoyed by their normal kid antics (they are tweens) and eventually becomes physically abusive toward them, then gets angry with me for not "having her back" when she is abusive. I have witnessed grabbing, shoving, pinching and slapping against both of them. She never gets this way when it's just us, it's only when the kids are here and it's because she cannot handle the stress of parenthood. Truly, she should not have had children to begin with, but that ship sailed long ago.

I get that my wife wants me to support her decisions and that my NOT doing this is a problem, but in my mind we can't have a conversation about how I can better support her as a parent until the abusive behavior stops. When she gets abusive my instinct is to protect the children, who she has encouraged me to consider MY children as well.


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## PBear

Nix, consider starting your own thread. But why does she take custody of the kids if she can't handle them? Why not just leave them with their father?

If you don't do "something", you're enabling her abuse of them. An accessory to the crime, so to speak. Would you tolerate her treating a dog like this? Why would you let her do this to a child? Her own, or anyone else's?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964

If she is being physically abusive toward minor children you are required by law to report her to the authorities.


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## lenzi

Hope1964 said:


> If she is being physically abusive toward minor children you are required by law to report her to the authorities.


That's news to me.


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## Hope1964

Why would anyone NOT report a child being abused???????

"In some US states, mandatory reporting requirements apply to all people in the state who suspect child abuse or neglect.[23]

In other states, mandated reporting requirements generally apply to professions that have frequent contact with children. These generally include, but are not limited to the following:[23]

Child care providers
Caregivers
Counselors and other Mental health professionals
Medical examiners and coroners
Nurses, Physicians and other health care providers
Police and other law enforcement officers
School teachers, coaches, guidance counselors, principals and other school personnel
Social workers"

Mandated reporter - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


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## lenzi

Hope1964 said:


> Why would anyone NOT report a child being abused???????


I don't know why someone would not report an abused child, but that doesn't mean it's _required_ by law. 



Hope1964 said:


> "In some US states, mandatory reporting requirements apply to all people in the state who suspect child abuse or neglect.


Ok, so if the Op lives in one of those "some" states then the Op is legally required to report abuse. But we don't know where the Op lives so we can't say the Op is legally required to report it.


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