# dead inside...



## IfIwasYourVampire (Jan 5, 2012)

first of all english is not my native language so i'll try my best to be coherent, me and my wife habe been married for almost 10 years i'm 30 she's 28 yrsold, 3 boys, 5,3 and 1 month old...
our firsts 4-6 years everything was wonderful, getting to know each other, loving each other, going thru very bad times together.... and somewhere after that our romantic relationship began to fade away, obviously i never saw "the signs" that something was wrong, she always was very caring and loving, but i was never the romantic type of person, i thought that material things could substitute love, that was my way of showing my love to her.... i always loved her but i almost never kissed her or was affectionate, she told me that i never kissed her or hugged her and i never paid attention to those words i thought that by buying her things and taking care of the house, beign a good husband was enough....
fast forward to 2010 our comunication was in decline even more, but i never wanted to accept that something was wrong despite my wife telling me that she needed me to be more romantic, one day during march one of our mutal friends came over to our house for drinks, (he was a very good friend of ours), i was feeling sick that night and went to bed early and they stayed on the porch drinking, next day i had a feeling that something had happened and i asked her and she denied that something happened, two nights later i was checkin the chat logs and found out that something had happened, the messages werent clear about if they had sex or not, i confronted her the next day and she told me that they were drunk and they kissed but nothing else had happened, i believed her, after all she was my loving , caring wife.....
after that "incident" she began to be more distant, our friend came over a couple of times more during the next months but everything was normal, then in august we find out she is pregnant even with the Dui... she was panicking about it and i didnt really understood why she would be so upset, by this time we were so distant that i didnt really wanted to ask what was wrong with her, she wanted to have an abortion, and i respected her decision... BUT we come to find out that she is 5 months pregnant (by what the doctors told us) and she could not abort at this stage of the pregnancy..... another month passed, and i was suspicious about her behaviour, i confronted her again and he told me that she didnt know if the baby was the other guy's or mine, she told me that they had sex that night but didnt tell me because i was gonna get upset, and that after that she tried to distance herself from this guy (and yes i noticed our "friend" stopped coming to our house after that), anyways after she told me that we had a long talk, she told me that this guy made her feel like a woman again in the sense that he was payin her attention to her and telling her how beautiful she was and all that, she felt that i didnt love her and was just going thru the motions, after that she began to detach from me.... i told her crying how sorry i was, that i didnt care if the baby was mine or not that i wanted to be part of this babys life, by this time she was so detached from me that she just told me that she didnt know what she wanted anymore, but that the other guy needed to know about the probability of him beign the dad.... i didnt want him to know, at least not yet i wanted to try to "fix" our marriage before she contacted him again, i knew deep inside of me that him beign back in the picture wasnt good, but i had to respect her decision, she told him in november and well he wants to be a part of the babys life if baby is his... (this guy is single and was interested in my wife...).. so baby is born in dec 15, we still dont know who is the father...... 2 days before new years eve i found out they are having an EA, cause during those 2 weeks she took the baby to him so he could see him, one day she told me she was going to a doctors apptment with the baby and left the other two kids with my sister in law, we agreed that after she got out we could meet at this mexican restaurant for dinner, i decided to surprise her and drove to the clinic to wait for her.... the car wasnt there so i texted her and asked her where she was " oh they are measuring the baby just now..." i felt a rage inside of me i knew she was liying, so i drove with my 2 kids to the guy's house, her car was parked outside, i felt like a big big rock in my stomach, felt dizzy, i went inside and she was righ beside him, him holding the baby, i wanted to break stuff real bad but contained myself, i told her to get out that i needed to talk to him, he said that she told him that we were separated and asked him if she could stop by that afternoon, he told me that they had kissed several times during their meetings i told him to keep his distance, that i needed to fix my relationship with her.......
its been 2 weeks and she is gonne again, i came home this afternoon, she told me that she needed to go out, of course that i knew what that meant, she has told me that she has to take the baby to him cause he has not see him in 2 weeks, i told her that i didnt have any problems with that, but that she betrayed me by having an EA with him... she didnt deny or accept, she just told me that we dont have any relationship anymore, and i know i cant do nothing to stop her, I cant leave the house and the kids, she works part time and then i cant be away from my kids, we have so many debts (house is ours), and there is no way that she or me can go..... she says we can be good friends like alwas but i know is not gonna be the same after tonight and i know that i cant control her, i had her but never appreciated her never showed my love to her, i regret it now, i was a fool, took everything for granted, she told me what i was doing wrong (or wasnt doing) but i never listened and now i've lost her....... even if she is right next to me... she is gonne the loving wife that i knew, i cant leave the house, believe me, not her or me cant.... i dont know what to do.... how can i forget when she is gonna be here everyday??? everytime she goes out i;m gonna feel this pain, sounds cliche but: i never thought this was gonna happen to me....
sorry for the long post and sorry for my bad english


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

**Deleted what I was gonna write**

I'm just too appalled and speechless and didn't want to post what I had originally wrote.

Wow, just wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.

I know what you have to do but you're not gonna do it because you have no backbone and self respect for yourself right now.


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## IfIwasYourVampire (Jan 5, 2012)

well i really need some kind of advice, my mind is not clear right now, i'm in a dark place and i dont like it


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Kick her out and move on with your life. Pure and simple.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

or was affectionate, she told me that i never kissed her or hugged her and i never paid attention to those words i thought that by buying her things and taking care of the house, beign a good husband was enough....


This is the biggest fall of a lot of people. And I was one of them. I always thought bring home a pay check was good enough. I know some will speak in here saying it is all her fault for doing this but I do not believe that when we also help them to commit it. 

Example you goto a bar and get drunk. Bar tender know you are blasted but lets you leave. You crash and kill someone are you only to blame?


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

Right now she is in the "FOG". So until the sun clear that out there may be no hope right now. You got to do the 180. My wife took a week to get out of the fog. Also with greif recovery and MC we put our lifes back together again


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

sirdano said:


> Right now she is in the "FOG". So until the sun clear that out there may be no hope right now. You got to do the 180. My wife took a week to get out of the fog. Also with greif recovery and MC we put our lifes back together again


She's way past the fog at this point IMO, she had a baby with the OM and she is connected to him emotionally 100% right now. There is no more fog here, she's making it pretty clear what she wants at this point.


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## IfIwasYourVampire (Jan 5, 2012)

believe me if it was that simple i'd be the one moving out, but i guess i'm just creating mental barriers, she dont have nowhere else to go i dont have nowhere to go, and we have so many debts... thats what makes it worse....


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## IfIwasYourVampire (Jan 5, 2012)

i'm glad you had another chance to fix your marriage sirdano, but it seems in my case all hope is lost i never had that chance.... greetings from texas


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## Badsmit (Dec 29, 2011)

Who is the father and are the other children yours?


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## IfIwasYourVampire (Jan 5, 2012)

yes my 2 sons are mine i now that for a fact, the little baby we are still not sure and we really dont have money to do a paternity test right now, but still i have decided to be a part of his life regardless...


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## Badsmit (Dec 29, 2011)

Okay she is not sure who the father is and is using the kid to get close to the other man. What happens if the kid is not his and he rejects her? Time to man up and protect yourself. She clearly wants him, who cares, but the question should be do you want her? If the answer is yes why? I see a lot of people using reasons to hold o. Your situation seems bad with her (emotionally) and will be bad financially (if she leaves). It seems like she planning to leave so get you finances inline. First question if she leave how do you see your life and relationship with your (known) children? Next see her for what /who she is. When people show you who they are believe them. The rest of the members are going to give some advice about getting testing for STDs (hint). Get comfortable you are going to be on the emotional rollercoaster for a while. Now when you have a moment of clarity start envisioning your life without her. Time to lawyer up. Consult with one so you know your rights. Continue reading, oh find ALMOSTRECOVERED post/thread at the bottom is some good (required reading) IT WILL GIVE YOU INSIGHT INTO WHAT YOU WILL EXPERINCE in THE NEAR term future. The way I began to make sense (heal) was to stop letting my heart control my head….


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## Tap1214 (Aug 14, 2011)

OMG, MAN up for God's sake and protect yourself and file for divorce ASAP. What man in his right mind is going to put up with a wife who had an affair with his good friend and gets pregnant and wants to continue relationship with him?????

This is crazy and she continues her affair because she has ZERO respect for you and it's obvious by her actions, she doesn't love you. And more you beg, more she's going to feel contempt for you. I'm sorry I'm being harsh, but you deserve so much better!!


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

did you sign the birth certificate?


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## IfIwasYourVampire (Jan 5, 2012)

yes i did sign the birth certificate, the baby is not the problem, is not his fault, and yes i want to just get away as far as posible so i can forget and rebuild my life, it would be much easier to deal with the pain.... but like i said there is a lot of thing that keep us from goin our separate ways, debts, kids, no enough money to live in other place...... , there is so much pain, anger, sadness, emptiness, i feel so alone in this moments....


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

Debt I would not worry about. My wife's parents devorced and they had 80K in credit card debt. When they split they also filed bankrupcy. That took care of all debt. You know is there family or a friend you could move in with?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

IfIwasYourVampire said:


> yes i did sign the birth certificate, the baby is not the problem, is not his fault, and yes i want to just get away as far as posible so i can forget and rebuild my life, it would be much easier to deal with the pain.... but like i said there is a lot of thing that keep us from goin our separate ways, debts, kids, no enough money to live in other place...... , there is so much pain, anger, sadness, emptiness, i feel so alone in this moments....


All your wife has to do is to move in with he other man (OM) if she will have him.

You might want to consider telling her that she should go live with him. There is a very good chance that if she puts pressure on him to take on all the responsibility of a live in, with all her bills, etc that he will dump her.

In the mean time it's look at your life differently.

You can prevent her from leaving with your children by getting a court order. See an attorney to do this. 

You are the legal father of the new baby. There is a good chance that he are also the bio-father of the other man (OM). Until the OM files for paternaty and proves it, he has no claim to the child.

So get an attorney and see to it that she cannot remove your children from the family home.

Now you need money. You are being put in a possition that might force you to file for bankruptcy. Use your money to pay for a home, food and absolute necessities first. Only pay essential bills.

Your attorney can file to get child support from your wife to help you take care of your children.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

Also to give some hope that you might look for. Someone in our church had an affair got pregent had a kid from OM and she stayed togehter with her husband. You know you got to be pretty strong to stay with that. So anything is possible it depends on both people.


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## IfIwasYourVampire (Jan 5, 2012)

thanx everybody for your support/advice i really have a lot to think about, lots of decisions, i just need a clear mind wich i dont have right now...


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## oldmittens (Dec 2, 2011)

I'm a bit confused. You said your wife said she still wants to be friends so is she openly having a relationship with OM now. Has she told you what her long-term plan is does she want to be with OM and as to staying with you because she can't afford to leave.


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## IfIwasYourVampire (Jan 5, 2012)

she says she dont want to be with nobody right now.... kind of confusing considering that she is seeing the other guy, but yeah she has the excuse that she has to take the baby so he can see him cause he misses him so much.....


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## oldmittens (Dec 2, 2011)

So has she admitted to having sex with him more than the one time and does she admit that she's in an EA right now. If the answers to both are yes then I think you should follow the advice of others given here and tell her she should go and live with him. The more you tolerate this kind of behavior the more she will push her limits until one day you wake up and she's gone for good. You need to stand up to her and tell her you will not tolerate this anymore she has to choose you or him. If she picks you tell her from now on you will handle any and all dealings involving the baby and OM that she is under no circumstance to contact the OM. If on the other hand she chooses OM and or says she doesn't know what she wants to do tell her she has to leave the home and find somewhere else to live tell her that the kids will be staying with you until you work out a schedule and she has proper living arrangements. Also make sure she knows that she is not to bring OM around your children. You need to take a stand my friend no one respects a doormat I'm not saying this to be cruel or to insult you it's just a hard reality of life you need to stand up for yourself and your marriage because no one else will least of all your wife right now. Best of luck you don't deserve this.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

She's developed an emotional attachment to the man she feels is the father. She's detached from you and fog or no fog, normal people don't act like this. I'm surprised you stuck around after another man knocked her up to be frank. You need to do a paternity test as soon as possible. If you're the father then you can easily get that man out of your life.


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## oldmittens (Dec 2, 2011)

Complexity said:


> She's developed an emotional attachment to the man she feels is the father. She's detached from you and fog or no fog, normal people don't act like this. I'm surprised you stuck around after another man knocked her up to be frank. You need to do a paternity test as soon as possible. If you're the father then you can easily get that man out of your life.


I agree even if you reconcile nothing will change in regards to the OM until you get a paternity test and get him out of your life.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

IfIwasYourVampire said:


> yes my 2 sons are mine i now that for a fact, the little baby we are still not sure and we really dont have money to do a paternity test right now, * but still i have decided to be a part of his life regardless*...




Careful with this. Be very careful. You could be stuck with financial responsibility for the next 18+ years. That would suck if you are not the father of the baby.

Paternity test is about $100. Can order online. Do a search.

You're still young. Dont fu(k your future up because you cant get pass your emotions. Dig deep, learn to detach, fight the emotions and try hard to think rationally.

Read up on the 180 and put it into practice. It is for your mental health and sanity.


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## lascarx (Dec 24, 2011)

sirdano said:


> or was affectionate, she told me that i never kissed her or hugged her and i never paid attention to those words i thought that by buying her things and taking care of the house, beign a good husband was enough....
> 
> 
> This is the biggest fall of a lot of people. And I was one of them. I always thought bring home a pay check was good enough. I know some will speak in here saying it is all her fault for doing this but I do not believe that when we also help them to commit it.


Friend, if that's what some shrink is telling you, he needs his head looked at more than you do yours.

If she still takes the paycheck, she takes what goes with it or does whatever it takes to work it with you. Or she pitches the paycheck over the side and goes off into the sunset. Either one of those two choices is ok. But don't listen to anyone who says it's your flaws that made her try to double-dip.




sirdano said:


> Example you goto a bar and get drunk. Bar tender know you are blasted but lets you leave. You crash and kill someone are you only to blame?


Doesn't apply because as you say, the bartender knows you are blasted. By analogy, your wife would be telling you: start giving me what I want or I am leaving for someone who will. You then make an informed decision and the world is all well.

What really happened was: customer does a darn good job of hiding that she's blasted, bartender doesn't know a thing and gets to feel awful after the smashup. That's 100% on the customer.


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## IfIwasYourVampire (Jan 5, 2012)

it hurts so much... i know i have to let her go, she is not the same person that i knew.... i lost her...


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## lascarx (Dec 24, 2011)

IfIwasYourVampire said:


> i know i have to let her go, she is not the same person that i knew.


She never was. You never knew her at all. Start there and move on.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

IfIwasYourVampire said:


> she says she dont want to be with nobody right now.... kind of confusing considering that she is seeing the other guy, but yeah she has the excuse that she has to take the baby so he can see him cause he misses him so much.....


Total lie. 

The baby is yours legally. So yes you can stop him from seeing the kid.

Grow a serious spine and cut her off - because right now you're hurting, but you're also being a doormat.

Who the heck cares if this OM is missing the kid. It's not his kid - your name is on the certificate. 

Take the car and money away from her. 

Tell her if she leaves - the baby stay at it's home with it's father.

Come on man - stop being a push over - she is walking all over you.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

This guy is so deep in denial. He won't listen. He will just get burnt and destroyed. I have no hope here.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

btw - if it is the other guys kid - consider giving it up for adoption.


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## IfIwasYourVampire (Jan 5, 2012)

i'm still in pain, i sleep maybe 2-3 hrs (can't help it), not hungry i have to almost force some food in my mouth (and this from a guy that loves meat  ), tonight i'm gonna start going to group therapy, ALANON, i already talked to a couple of people in the group and made me feel a little better (yesterday i was feeling panic /anxiety attaks) , i'm still deep in this back hole, but i wanna get out, i was in denial, i'm beginning to understand that i have to let go... i doesnt make it any easier but is my first step.... it's been really helpful havin' people to talk to, this forum and the people posting have really helped me, i was feeling so lost and alone, but now i can see light at the end of the tunnel, thanx everybody, today is a new day


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Vampire---you need to do a paternity test STAT.

I would seriously consider divorce in this situation. This woman does not love you. You say she had an EA, but in fact, she's been having a physical affair and the baby may not even be yours.

She is grossly direspecting you. You need to man up and not take this sh!t from her anymore.

Tell her she can GTFO and serve her w/ papers.

GET MAD.

Also, cool username.


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