# Is Any Couple on the Same Sex Wavelength?



## dbj1971 (May 29, 2008)

It is sad and (without overplaying it or exaggerating) tragic to hear of so many couples for whom sex is not a joyous topic but a topic of pain and resentment. Is there anybody who is on the same libido plane, so to speak?

Don't you ever get tired of something that should be easy to be so difficult, like two people who are supposed to love each other and be committed actually having sex more than one a month (or in one longsuffering poster's statement, once per year)? Someone once said that such an effort is like being down by 10 runs in the bottom of the ninth with nobody on and two outs, but you keep trying, against hope and probability, to get some miracle of a rally going.

There seem to be profound differences and almost insurmountable gulfs between people. It reminds me of the comment I once heard, between two people and their marriage counselor; the two people had vastly different sex-drives. When the counselor spoke to them, separately (removing the other from the room in turn), and asked "How often do you have sex?" the one with the high drive said "Almost never, about 2 times a week" while the one with the low drive said "All the time, at least twice a week!"

Bottom line, if you're not taking care of the home fires, then don't be surprised if your significant other starts to reevaluate your relationship, and starts seeking other avenues to try to fill the void left by your uncaring, or your lack of consideration and effort. It doesn't matter if, at that moment, you're the best cook in the world, or the best parent, or the best at your job, if you're cold or (almost worst) indifferent about getting intimately busy in the sheets with your man or woman, then trust me, they're not happy or satisfied. Beneath their placid surface lies resentment.

Unless, of course, their libido is at the same plummetted level as yours, and then you're two peas in a pod. I'm going out on a limb, but I'm guessing that's not the norm. From the posts here and other experiences in my life, I'd say that much more often the sex drives are at very different levels or all out of sync.

For every time someone says that a relationship is so much more than sex, I say "concur" but let me ask you this: If it is so important to your poor spouse, and if you love them, then why in heaven's name don't you do something about it? You know, the people who with high drives and are frustrated by their drought of sex get what I'm saying, while all the rest with low drives, happy as peaches with their once a month rendezvous, will wonder why we're all making such a fuss and think it's all over-blown or we're all over-sexed. (Is there really such a thing?)

So on we go, day by day, trying to find some formula, some technique, a little more loving, a little less loving, no more "mr. nice guy," giving attention, pulling back a little, waiting with dwindling patience and growing resentment and vasocongestion, waiting for all the stars to align just right, hoping the slightest breeze doesn't knock down our house of cards, in hopes that maybe (against all odds) tonight will be the night.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My husband and my sexlife has always been amazing-- from day 1 

He was the first person to be on my same wavelength sexually.

We have it almost every night and like to try new things  It's one of the things I love about us.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

ON this forum, of course, it is by far the troubled relationships that we discuss the most.

But my own marriage, I would describe as very successful, my wife and myself very much on the same plane.

And I say that in agreement with your statement, to take care of the home fires.

But I will say this, to expect success, is not to leave it to chance, or even have the attitude chance or luck has anything to do with it.

As a man I make it my business to make my own desires and expectations known to my wife (this usually involves few if any words), as a man I make it my business to receive such desires and expectations appropriately (sometimes with gushing appreciation, sometimes with pure egotistical entitlement  ), and as a man I make it my business to learn and perform what she enjoys, so that sexual relations is very much a radical pleasure for her as well.

And outside the bedroom, this is perhaps most important, I act and behave just exactly how the kind of man would behave who would enjoy and expect frequent sexual relations with his woman.

Good topic, I hope to hear more on this subject.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

BigBadWolf said:


> ON this forum, of course, it is by far the troubled relationships that we discuss the most.
> 
> But my own marriage, I would describe as very successful, my wife and myself very much on the same plane.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

dam Dbj..you couldn't have said it better..every bit of that is how I feel and 
probably is why half of us are here..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

dbj1971 said:


> It is sad and (without overplaying it or exaggerating) tragic to hear of so many couples for whom sex is not a joyous topic but a topic of pain and resentment. Is there anybody who is on the same libido plane, so to speak?


 
Well dbj you have descibed my dilemma to a T...

When my husband and I first met sex was often and amazing...twice a day more often than not. He was adventerous and we would often try a new position or toy. Currently I have to content myself with once every two to three weeks and adventure does not come into play any longer. I've tried talking to him to find out what has changed...he assures me his feeling haven't changed and he still finds me attractive and sexy but he just has no desire. I'm trying to get him to go to a doctor and get his testosterone level checked but not getting too far with that. It's frustrating and it is getting to the point that our lack of sex seems to be the only thing I think about anymore, whether I am at home or at work. I feel like this problem has taken over my life...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Personally, I love being oversexed! 

In our marraige, sadly, we weren't on the same page for most of it, he always wanted more, but was seriously too much of a nice guy. He suffered more silently & patiently than ever making an issue of it, we had trials like infertility that did us no favors during that time. We were basically once a weekers, he knew I would be dying for it by then, so he always came on to me when he pretty near knew I wanted it too. But it COULD have been so much more. I was cluelss to how he was REALLY feeling, he hid that from me, wasn't the angry verbal type. 

Then it happened to ME, then I wanted it more than him! I am NOT patient like my husband. I go after what I want. 

Now I understand all men everywhere, and every living thing that is high drive. Feel bad for every darn one of them if they are married to low drivers, I understand their frustration, their craving, their anger, their verbal impatience, that incessant need to feel desired by their spouse. The near thought of "Mercy sex" - that would just destroy the spirit. Just imagining that is enough for me. I was very blessed my husband is a good man, who cares about me probably more than himself, and physical touch has always been his #1 love language. 

NOW, after all this crazy time, I feel we are on the same sex wavelength. I am still more adventerous & creative than him, but he wants it AS MUCH as me. I used to question that, but it has been laid to rest for some time now. We've never been happier in our marraige, I get hung up on wishing it was this way for the last 20 some years, I feel we missed so much. 


Here is a book about 10 different Libido types: Amazon.com: When Your Sex Drives Don't Match: Discover Your Libido Types to Create a Mutually Satisfying Sex Life (9781569242711): Sandra Pertot: Books This book could shed some light on the different types and how you can work with them successfully in marraige. Me & my husband are different but it works well. I consider myself a Erotic / Dependant (or Sensual) and he is a Sensual / Reactive. 

1. Sensual
2. Erotic
3. Compulsive
4. Dependent
5. Stressed
6. Disinterested
7. Detached
8. Addictive
9. Entitled
10. Reactive


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

So what is your point, op? The important point is how we should educate people that dead is dead and we can't expect our partner to change. We must have been deluding ourseleves at the beginning and ignoring the signs and we have this stupid hope we can remake that person. Nope; dead is dead so get used to it. We stopped @ age 32-33 and we'll die that way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

we can't change our partners..at least not for them to.want it more..
it has.to come from themselves...or someone else..
Hormones also.change over time for some people.
It sounds to me.like most women don't reach their sexual.peak until
they hit their mid thirties..
Only problem is..most men decline alot by then..or.we are just so
pissed off for all those sexless nights that we resent our wives and
are unable.to get turned on by her..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Colell (Jun 27, 2011)

marriedguy said:


> Only problem is..most men decline alot by then..or.we are just so
> pissed off for all those sexless nights that we resent our wives and
> are unable.to get turned on by her..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's where I'm at right now... I haven't declined at all, but I've become so infuriated that I have trouble being turned on by her. Even when she's in the mood, I find myself feeling like someone taking their last drink of water before venturing out into the desert again...

My biggest issue now is that, when she wants to have sex, we have sex. When I want to have sex, who cares? And she has to come to bed already warmed up. If she's not already deep in the mood, she won't even let me try to get her there.

Anyway, I'm just complaining now. Dbj, you hit the nail on the head.


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

Colell..dont worry about complaining, most of us are in the same boat..its better to do it here than do it to our wives.


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## Colell (Jun 27, 2011)

marriedguy said:


> What I have a problem with is that I ASK my wife many many times how she wants me to be, where to improve..etc..
> All I ever get is..¨I like you how you are¨


Agreed. Why do they think that we can't take a little constructive criticism even when we're literally asking for it? Just be honest with us.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Colell said:


> Agreed. Why do they think that we can't take a little constructive criticism even when we're literally asking for it? Just be honest with us.


Asking a woman these things? :scratchhead:

Sexual attraction is primal. Primitive. Masculine Dominance. Feminine Hypergamy.

Understanding these things, and embracing them in masculine action and behavior = success.

Ignoring these things, treating sexual relations with a woman like a committee = misery.

You may ask a woman her opinion on a great many things under the sun. But as a man, to ask her how you should act and behave to turn her on sexually? That is only a catch 22! 

This is same situation:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ats-attractive-my-wifes-input.html#post181910



BigBadWolf said:


> Although very noble to ask your wife's input, know this is also a two edged sword regarding sexual attraction.
> 
> TREAD LIGHTLY!
> 
> ...


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