# Please Help I need to know if I am alone



## BOB1234 (Apr 13, 2012)

Hello, 

I am new to all this so the the more help the better. Me and my wife have been together for the last 8 years, married for 4. In the begining of dated we were in seprable. My had a passion that cost a lot of money to maintain and my business at the time was in a down cycle. I made my biggest mistake ever and persuaded her to give it up and get into business with my mother. Needless to say now being out of business with my mother for the last four years her resentment has built up for me persuading her to leave her dream. When we got married she was in business with my mother so we never had the crazy fun first couple years of marriage that was when we argued because she would come home and be upset with her partner who was my mother and I took the wrong side a lot of the time. I openly admit I was wrong, this led to more resentment of feeling put 2nd in my life and communication started to go down which also meant our sex life which used to be good dropped to an unhealthy level. Well 3 years ago she got out of the business which was great and we were getting much better and decieded to start a family, needless to say she had 2 miscarriages in a row 2nd one we saw the heartbeat and then the lights went out. I stayed strong I never let it show it killed me, she was a mess totally understandable. My wife is in amazing shape and is georgous, she has been begging me to get in shape with her for 3 years and I never did. 2 months ago she told me the spark we once had was gone. She said the resentment has piled up and she has just shut down, she is very monotone to me, She does not say I love you when she calls. I would give everything in the world to get things back to the way it was. She agreed to go to couples theropy I had my first individual appt and she goes next week, then we start going together. She does not want to forgive me or let me back in because she is afraid I will betray the trust of making promises and not keeping them again. I am changing I work out every day and lost 30 lbs. I was no where close to obese either. I will do anything to save my marriage. Please let me know if theropy has worked for anyone and can resentment be helped. Thanks for reading


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Well first off congratulations on loosing that weight, that's great. Glad to see you two are in therapy, that's a good start as well.

One thing I didn't get was this part about not keeping promises. What promises did you not keep?

Resentment is a hard feeling to get rid of once it's there. In my experience the person who has the resentment is the one that has to let it go in the end (I'm sure others with more experience can comment and perhaps correct me). The best way I know to help someone get over resentment is to love them in the way they want/need to be loved. Listen to her in and out of counseling, and try (when reasonable) to work towards changing the things she wants to change. Keep on listening and loving her, and give it time.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Being strong is often a great trait, but sometimes you need to show some vulnerability. When you and your wife lost the baby, you hid your grief from your wife. Might that have seemed to your wife like you weren't hurting as badly as she was or (worse) like maybe you didn't really care? This might especially be true if it happened twice. She's suffered two very major losses and maybe she needs to know how deeply you felt them, too. I don't think this is about weight. This may be about her feeling that you understand her and care enough about her to obviously respond to her needs. When she was engaged in a business she apparently liked, you persuaded her to end it. When she needed someone to cry with, you were John Wayne. When she needed you to drop weight, you ignored her. She stays in shape, so you know health and physical appearance are really important to her. Why wasn't it for you? She just wants to matter. Don't we all?


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Sounds like a sad situation and you have referenced a huge number of potential issues.

It sounds like she has made her feelings clear. Not to say it is impossible for those feelings to change but you should probably start looking at a future without her. You need to continue to get in shape and try to be a better you. It may or may not cause her to change her heart but more importantly it will put you in a better place to move on.

My own personal feeling is you have likely moved beyond the time where couples therapy might have been useful and the effort will likely cause you both to waste more time while your relationship is on life support delaying an inevitable death.


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