# I feel like I've lost myself



## KitCat (Jan 27, 2016)

I left my husband in mid December 2015 and moved 6 hours away to move in with family. I found out that he has been unfaithful to me. He claims he never had sex only touching and kissing. I honestly don't know whether he is telling the truth or not. We married young and have been married 18 years. I am 39, and all I have ever known is this man. He claims to still love me but says there is too much damage that has been done. I don' t trust him and yet I am having such a hard time not being with him. He calls and texts me everyday and says he want s to financially take care of me. I supported him in all his career moves and climbing the ladder, I was vulnerable to him, I physically take care of my body, I gave him all of me, even put my career goals on the back burner to support him and raise our two boys. Now I recently graduated last year with my BS, but I still can't find a job to support my self and my youngest who is 12. I feel stuck, I feel like I am in a limbo. I feel he is controlling me financially and knows my heart is so wrapped up around him. But I do have enough self respect to not put up with his infidelity and leave the home. He tells me I will be the only woman he ever loves yet on the same token has told me he doesn't want to be married, all while adding I shouldn't file for divorce because I need the health insurance. He is so confused. I want a man who will love me faithfully and not question his life and whether he wants it or not. I don't look 39, I am fortunate to have good genes, most people think I am 28; the point to this is that I see how men look at me, yet I can only think of my husband. I want to stop feeling so deeply and move on with my life, get a good job where I can be financially independent and just be happy, but nothing seems to be going my way. I feel I have lost myself and I don't know how to go on.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Hi KitCat. The first month(s) after finding out about infidelity is very hard on the BS and it is normal to not be sure what you want. The first thing to do is take some time and decide whether you want to stay married or get divorced, and find out if he feels the same way. Counseling will help with this. When I was in your shoes the thing that gave me clarity was looking at my long term goals. I personally couldn't see myself being married to a cheater that I didn't trust, so for me infidelity was a deal breaker and the only option was divorce. But everyone is different and some people are OK with a relationship where they work through the betrayal. If you can try to think about how you want your future to be you can get some insight on what decisions you need to make to go down that path. I wish you well. 

BTW, the odds that he is telling the whole truth about touching and kissing is low. People that are OK lying to their spouse seem to have an easy time keeping it up as a way of self preservation. He is probably aware that if you leave he will have to split assets, pay child support, and pay alimony. Also since he doesn't appear committed to your relationship there is no benefit for him to be honest.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Kitkat, sorry you find yourself in this place, he is having and eating his cake at the same time and is still dictating what you do. You have to stop letting him do this.This is still fresh and it will take some more time, do not give up.

1. you have moved out, so can start a new life for yourself. Keep trying to find a job because then you will have financial independence 
2.Speak to a lawyer because he is doing nothing to win you back and has even said he does not want to be married. Speak with a lawyer about your options and to see how much he will have to pay you for the kids, etc. Consider drawing up the divorce papers, you can always change your mind
3. Tell all family, friends, etc about what he has done, expose him (it is not your shame). It is likely that he has lied and it went much further than kissing etc. Adultery is adultery it does not require intercourse.
4. Get yourself IC to help you with the emotions.
5. You will need time to heal, start doing the 180, no more phone calls or chats on the phone, go no contact
6. Are you sure he is no longer cheating? You may want to get an investigator to tail him and collect some evidence, it may be useful to you in court.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

What is your degree in?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

#1 - Don't believe it was only kissing and touching. It was more than that.

#2 - He doesn't want a divorce because he's not certain the babe he's with now will be long lasting. You're being kept warm in case he needs to come back.

#3 - That's also the reason he's financially supporting you. He wants a "good" relationship between you two in case his side squeeze falls through.

#4 - Move on with your life. Never be someone's second choice.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> #1 - Don't believe it was only kissing and touching. It was more than that.
> 
> #2 - He doesn't want a divorce because he's not certain the babe he's with now will be long lasting. You're being kept warm in case he needs to come back.
> 
> ...


Yep, listen to this. Stop interacting with him and let him go.


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