# Am I so Horrible for what I done?



## winterivy (Aug 25, 2011)

] I will try not to be long winded, but I need to share my. I had a female "friend", we were friends through animal rescue...Like your friends, but only to accomplish something. I was asked to work at her n her husband's rescue shelter, sure no big deal, I had known her husband as long as I knew her, so I had no problem working for him.
During this time, I had been living in a lil bit of a hellish situation. For the past 8 years my husband had sorta emotionally abused me. He was very mean to me most of the time, taking out all his work frustrations on me, I had lived on eggshells for years. I often broke down and told him we needed help, I need him to b nicer to me, to show me love. Nothing. I could do nothing right, and still I loved him for the soul that I knew was beneath the top layers of crap. And I knew he loved me as well, but he was somehow emotionally damaged and, I would just have to live with that.Although I was very scared of him, not physically but mentally.
[/COLOR] Back to my new job. My new Boss quickly became infactuated with me. I was not prepared for this, i had never suspected his attraction to me. He did not come on sexually so much, as he did emotionally, and emotionally I was starving. He became obsessed crying and telling me he was in love with me. I could see the pain in his eyes when he poured out his heart to me, that he truley believed what he was saying. I was like, no, no no, this is all wrong forget about it.He was relentless and I was so attention starved it was pathertic. I developed feeling for him. We quickly started sharing our whole lives with each other and grew very close. Then one day he begged to be able to hug me and I finally relented. Over time it became kissing and touching, and me seeing him masturbate while we kissed. It happened a few times. We never had oral or any actual sex. We both were fearful of hurting our famlies and I finally left the job.
I still was part of their rescue and we remained almost like best friends. Our texting turned to sexting and we coorasponded every single day for months. We both just finally said enough, and have stopped altogether. I dont believe he will be able to stick to it for the long long run, but Idk. After the physical contact with him, i was in an emotional turmoil, I was seeing with clear eyes for the first time how awful my husband was to me. During one of his rages I said I was leaving and taking the kids. This seemed to shock him into action. He began taking meds. and things improved greatly. After that not once did me and my boss touch again, but our dependancy on each other continued. My husband goes back n forth now, one week he will be decent to me, the next the bad husband comes back and makes me feel horribly lonley.But at least its not full time pain and I know he was willing to change some for me. 
I'm going to feel a huge hole within myself with the loss of my special friend, but I figure its the price I got to pay. Sometimes the guilt is so consuming I want to just crawl away and hide. I never told my husband, it would have been a blow out, and my babies dont need that. Did I at least have a reasonable reason for doing as I did, or am I as horrible as I think. Also his wife is sort of the female version of my husband, so thats why he turned to me.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

If things were so horrible between your husband and you, for so long, why didnt you look to go to marriage counseling?


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## winterivy (Aug 25, 2011)

As good as it felt and as exhilerating and comforting it was to have this man make a fool of himself over me, and the fact that i did develope feelings for him. We both knew we would never break up our families to b together, never. As bad as my husband was, even my threat to leave was not a real one, I just led him to believe that. I believe God put us together for a reason. I been with him since I was 17 and I'm 35 now, and though I dont look to the future and think "oh what a wonderful life it will be", I'm in the life Im suppose to be in. We made these babies together and family sticks together for better or worse. 
And I'm smart enough to realize that living with this other man would not be a dream come true, everything eventually becomes mundane and predicable. His personality would be more pleasant and I imagine we would share alot of laughs, but I cant help but think....well if he did this to his wife, why would I be differnt. Hypocritical I know. But one small thing is that he has always told me he loves me, and I will not say it to him, I told him, u can not truelly love 2 people at one time, and for all his faults , I do love my husband. Sometimes I;m not sure why and neither are those around me...but its a deeper love.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Doesn't make you a horrible person but it does point out the depth of the issues you have to work through. 

You have a choice to make now. To tell your husband or not. If you don't tell him you risk that he will find out later and the damage will be worse. You risk that he will not understand the true depth of the issues in your marriage and consequently nothing will change. You risk repeating the same behavior with the OM or another man. 

If you tell him you risk that he will not be able to get over it and will divorce you. But you also stand the possibility that if you are genuinely remorseful and love your husband that he will be able to forgive you. If from there the two of you can reconcile and together address the issues in the marriage it is possible to have a much better marriage than the one you had before. 

Marriage, like most things in life, is either getting better or worse - it can't stay in one place for long. Nothing gets better from a secret so odds are that not telling him will ultimately be a negative in your marriage even if he doesn't find out. 

Additionally, the odds of both of you being able to successfully just call off your affair, turn your backs on each other and walk away are very low. Odds are much better that one or both of you will try to keep it going in some form until one of you gets caught and that person's spouse tells the other person's spouse. 

To tell him or not is your decision and yours alone, but for me, I had to tell my wife about my EA. There was no way for me to end it and move forward with my wife otherwise.


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## winterivy (Aug 25, 2011)

I did request beg and cry to go to counciling, he refused. I coulda gone I suppose, but I needed him there to really solve anything.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

You made a horrible choice. When your problem is that you won't stand up for yourself, the solution is not to betray your husband.

Whether you should tell your husband depends upon whether you will contact this man again. You know it was a mistake, but seem to imply that you will remain in contact with him and have future inappropriate texting/talk/kissing/whatever else. If that's true, then you should tell your husband and give your husband full transparency to your phone and email so that he can help discourage you from contact with the OM. If you will be able to refrain from future contact with the OM, then just leave it in the past and focus on your marriage.

As for your husband, you should go to couples counseling and you should stop letting him treat you poorly.

Good luck.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Winter -- you need to end your affair today. Not in tomorrow, not next week, month, next year, but NOW. 

Nothing good is going to come of this. You already see how your guilt is killing you. You are participating in the betrayal of not only one but two marriages and families. 

Go "no contact." You don't have to give an explanation. Completely block his # from your phone (you can call the phone company to do this or even online on your phone carrier's website) and block him from your email/FB, etc. 

If your husband finds out on his own, I promise you, it will be ten times worse.

End the affair and decide what you want with your marriage--to stay or go. Emotional abuse is NO joke. And it usually does not improve without the abuser getting help ON THEIR OWN and admitting they are, in fact, an abuser--as well as committing to stopping hte abuse. Most of them never get to this point and it gets worse over time. BUT--it's not fair of you to hold all the cards. Tell your husband what the deal is and what the score is so he has an idea of what's going on. Go to MC with or without him. Tell him a$$hole behavior ends nor or you're gone.

DO NOT CONTINUE YOUR AFFAIR!


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## Heartbrkn (Jun 16, 2011)

You husband cannot see things from your perspective. You should have worked on you marriage with your husband instead of having an affair. 

Tell him about the A or not, you have to make him understand how he is treating you and how that makes you feel. There is no excuse for abuse but he probably does not THINK he is being abusive.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

That's because most abusers don't think they are abusers.


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## ManDup (Apr 22, 2011)

What you did IS that bad, but you are not horrible. The solution to marriage problems is never an affair. You end the marriage then go after your needs if they aren't getting met. I'm of the school that kids are better off seeing a working relationship than seeing an abusive one. Why would you do that to your kids? They will grow up to want the exact same thing, and the same sex kid will follow the parent of their gender, so you'll spawn 2 more abusive relationships if you have 2 kids.


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