# I'm so lost without him



## So alone (Oct 19, 2017)

Well where do I start....it's only been 6/7 weeks since my husband moved out of our family home, into his own place. I'm 40 he is 44, we have two beautiful kids together which are 4 and 7 year olds, they are our everything. We have been together for approx. 22/23 years, a very long time. I don't know where really to begin except that everything and I mean EVERYTHING in my life is or has changed in the way I never thought it ever would. I'm so lost, I don't know who I am or have no interest in anything ATM....ever since we first got together 22/23 years ago we always said that if we ever wanted to do anything with another person, not necessarily sexual, virtually anything that we wouldn't want our spouse to know we would end our marriage/relationship first, we both have promised each other this. Until the other weekend he goes with his mates drinking, which was his turn to have the kids but cos I new he needed "me" time I agreed to babysit. Anyway while he was out and I was at home, I received a text mesage saying " oh come on baby (which apparently means baby) you are so dam sexy"... obviously it wasn't meant for me so we have had words over this, many might you add. He thinks he has a right to be able to do this now, without ending it 100% with me. Let me also add that ild do anything to get my family back together again and have been....I still hold the hope that we can be a family again.....it hurts so much, I'm so depressed and miserable bout anything and everything, trying to let him have the time to work out what he wants in life, meaning to come back to me but so hard feeling like I'm giving and sacficing it all and then for him to say he isn't in any right head space to make any decisions etc BUT wants to still do family outings for eg. Go to the local fair, have dinner together, have Xmas together etc....I'm confused, hurt and so bloody depressed and literally aching in my heart. He can't say whether we are together just not living together or are we done for good BUT still wants me their all the time for him for eg. Everything is pretty much the same apart from where he spends his nights/bed times and now I have my own bank account which Centrelink assistance goes into...please help...what are the boundaries, what should I be feeling and doing? I just can't eat, sleep or even think straight...he is/was my life and now....nothing, I'm so lost in this so called world of ours, it takes so much bloody energy to be so miserable all the time, I don't know where, what, why or even how to live my life or a life without him xxxx


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I suggest you get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. It will answer a lot of your questions and give you a plan.

The book is a quick read so it's a good place to start.

Does he have a job?



> He thinks he has a right to be able to do this now, without ending it 100% with me.


Of course he does because you allow it. The best thing you could do right now it not be there for him.

Start living your life for yourself and your children.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Look at the 180 link in my signature block below. That is how you should be interacting with him now. In the Surviving an Affair book, they call it Plan B.

See the more you try to beg him to come back, the more it's clear that you are just sitting around waiting for him to pick you, the more he loses respect for you. So just stop it. Instead focus on yourself and your life. If you can get a job. How is your solical life? Get active. Do things that make you feel better about yourself.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Why did he leave?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He's cheating on you. It's clear he wants to keep you pining for him, and also having sec with other women.
When a man leaves the home of his wife if 23 years and the mother of his children, it's because he is shagging at least one other woman.

Are there issues in your marriage that would make a man want to leave? Why did he leave?

Regardless, you may think right now that he's the only man in the world that you'll ever love, but he's not. Yes, divorce sucks.

One thing sucks worse than divorce:
Sitting around in limbo while you think about your spouse with other people, wondering when he will come back, while wallowing in despair. That is hell.

You'd be better off divorcing the scoundrel and moving on with your life.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He's cake-eating -- he has you and he has other women on the side. He's dating while you're sitting home wishing you were together. That's what most separations turn into -- one person wanting to save the marriage while the other person "needs space to figure things out". What they are really doing is having sex with others while their spouse waits around for them to come home. And they don't consider it cheating because after all they're separated. 

They don't want to completely end things with their spouse because if their new life doesn't work out with the new sex partners, or if they can't find someone better, they want to be able to return to the marriage. In other words, you're Plan B.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Make the decision for him and file for divorce. Time to get out of the pathetic woe-is-me phase, get pissed off and take action. Stop kissing his ass trying to get him to pick you, do you really think you should be your own husband's second choice?? He is screwing at least one other woman, this is NOT ok! Stop any kind of contact with him, including hanging out doing "family time" and file for divorce.


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## GuacaColey (Sep 19, 2017)

Of course you feel lost right now. You've devoted half your life to this man, bearing him children and building a life together. And he decides he is ready for something new and is ready to leave the life you've built behind. 

How horribly rotten. 

This is the two-fold part of love that makes it both wonderful and agonizing at the same time. We choose who we love, and it is the very few who will make the choice to continue to choose to love the other person when their feelings begin to change. Love is a gift, and not something you can demand from someone else. 

You said that you two had a deal in your marriage where if at any time you felt compelled to be with someone else, you would end the marriage first. It sounds like that is what he is taking steps to do by moving out of your martial home. 

I've read a lot of stories of reconciliation and it seems the only way it happens is one of two ways. 

The Faithful spouse (FS) decides they will not allow the WS to continue cake-eating, so they decide to limit contact and begin to move forward with their lives and/or take steps to divorce and this "wakes up" the spouse to the fact they will lose their marriage/family/home. The reality slaps them in the face enough that they will occasionally make steps towards reconciliation. 

A couple books I can recommend that align with this are:
Love Must Be Tough- James Dobson and Redemptive Divorce-Mark Gaither
Both are written with a Christian worldview. 

Another way I've seen spouses come back is the FS continues to "unconditionally love" the WS and basically lets them know they will always have a safe place to fall when the WS comes to their senses. I personally see this as a huge detriment to personhood of the FS. I've heard stories of people waiting for YEARS for their WS, even as the WS has children with AP, gets remarried, etc. 

I would not personally take this road though I have seen it occasionally be successful in marriage reconciliation. 

The problem is people don't typically change if what their doing appears to work for them. Men respond to people they respect, and the position of being a doormat often causes them to lose respect for you, in turn contributing to the death of the marriage. 

Creating a "crisis" can be the only thing that can trigger a response in your husband for the better. Even then, once he has decided he wants out this is not a guarantee your marriage could be saved. I believe this is the only chance at salvaging things once the mate has left the home. 

My heart truly breaks for you. I know this is so hard. Please reach out to loved ones, a counselor, church family, etc during this time. Don't make the mistake of thinking you can walk this road alone. Don't be afraid to let others know the truth of what if happening in your marriage. Your WS forfeited the right to discretion when he decided to leave his leave his family so he could feel single again. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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