# Psychologist advised my wife to divorce but cohabitate



## WhatNextDad

My wife and I are both employed professionals and financially secure. We have arguments but we manage to keep a good functioning household for our 2 kids of 5 and 8 years. 

My wife has been resentful for years saying she does not feel loved by me and that I am not capable of meeting her needs because I have Aspergers. She says her relationship with me is like living with a third child. We have both gone to counseling before and I made an effort but was not able to meet her emotional needs. 

Neither of us want to go through a messy divorce and we want a stable environment for our kids. Recently we went to see a psychologist to help us with our issues. My wife said that she did not want to go through another decade of having a loveless marriage. We did not get 20 minutes through the first session before the woman started telling us our options, one of which is to get divorced but live together so we can raise our kids. 

In the past my wife was concerned about putting the kids through the trauma of a separation but the psychologist told her that our relationship is causing harm because they are not seeing what a "loving" marriage is like. With this validation my wife is seeing the best of both worlds. She can co-parent with me in a stable household and fill her romantic needs elsewhere. 

I have done some Googling on this and I hardly know what this lifestyle is called or if there are any examples. How do I start to understand the consequences of a decision like this?


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## BluesPower

WhatNextDad said:


> My wife and I are both employed professionals and financially secure. We have arguments but we manage to keep a good functioning household for our 2 kids of 5 and 8 years.
> 
> My wife has been resentful for years saying she does not feel loved by me and that I am not capable of meeting her needs because I have Aspergers. She says her relationship with me is like living with a third child. We have both gone to counseling before and I made an effort but was not able to meet her emotional needs.
> 
> Neither of us want to go through a messy divorce and we want a stable environment for our kids. Recently we went to see a psychologist to help us with our issues. My wife said that she did not want to go through another decade of having a loveless marriage. We did not get 20 minutes through the first session before the woman started telling us our options, one of which is to get divorced but live together so we can raise our kids.
> 
> In the past my wife was concerned about putting the kids through the trauma of a separation but the psychologist told her that our relationship is causing harm because they are not seeing what a "loving" marriage is like. With this validation my wife is seeing the best of both worlds. She can co-parent with me in a stable household and fill her romantic needs elsewhere.
> 
> I have done some Googling on this and I hardly know what this lifestyle is called or if there are any examples. How do I start to understand the consequences of a decision like this?


Yes, this will work great...Not. 

She gets hubby to watch the kids, and his financial contribution to the household, and wife can start dating until she finds a new guy to marry or maybe just screw. 

Yeah that would be great. 

How bad is your Aspergers? Is it the lack of physical affection that is her issue? 

Give us some more information. 

The therapist is clueless BTW. If your wife does not love you and does not want to marry you, then divorce her and move on. 

There is someone out there that will love you. 

Also, were you this way when you married? Are you sure that she is not already having an affair? 

Sounds like you just need to move on...


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## aine

Is this your therapist's idea of a good arrangement, it is highly unprofessional and totally inequitable. 
Can you not get tools to work on the marriage and meet her needs?
If not, ask her for a divorce, seems like all the blame is on you. Aspergers should not be the end of your marriage!


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## PigglyWiggly

I'm not familiar with Aspergers and how it can affect your relationship. Would you mind telling us how it has affected yours?


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## Evinrude58

You seem pretty well at communicating your thoughts. You sound like you take care of contributing to the household. 

What is this “emotional need” you’re not fulfilling? Is the sex ok or nonexistent?

If your wife doesn’t want to be married to you, she should divorce you and move on. The arrangement the “psychologist” recommended is great for your wife, and would be horrible torture for you. I guess you’re supposed to just like it when you are forced to watch your wife go out on dates with other men?
20 minutes and this is the suggestion? I think this could be a setup. Either your wife and the “psychologist” have already worked this plan out, or the person was not a psychologist at all.

I know you don’t want to lose your family, but it sounds like your wife no longer loves you.

My suggestion is to divorce, part ways for good, coparemt as beat you can, and move on with your life. 

What your wife and psychologist want would be mental torture of the worst imagineabke nature to ME. I’d be tempted to hand her divorce papers and tell her how things were going to be, instead of passively accepting your fate from the hands of a woman that clearly has no care for your feelings.

There’s one thing you really should do: see an attorney and find out your real options.

Btw, I think the aspergers is just an excuse. She married a man with aspergers. You have likely always been how you are now. Why is that suddenly not good enough? 
I’d Check my phone bill. Nobody ever thinks their wife could cheat. She may not have any intentions of this, but it’s clear she is wanting to look for love with other men. She may have already found it. 

Either way, man to man—- I wouldn’t even consider what she suggests. Just the thought of it is soul crushing to me.

I’m curious, has this arrangement of hers angered you? Do you feel your wife’s decision to divorce you is justified? If so, why?

Are you no longer interested in having a wife that loves you? Why wouldn’t you also want someone to love? I’m not fully understanding the situation. Could you provide more info as to why your wife wants a divorce?


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## oldshirt

WhatNextDad said:


> Neither of us want to go through a messy divorce and we want a stable environment for our kids. Recently we went to see a psychologist to help us with our issues. My wife said that she did not want to go through another decade of having a loveless marriage. We did not get 20 minutes through the first session before the woman started telling us our options, one of which is to get divorced but live together so we can raise our kids.
> 
> . With this validation my wife is seeing the best of both worlds. She can co-parent with me in a stable household and fill her romantic needs elsewhere.
> 
> I have done some Googling on this and I hardly know what this lifestyle is called or if there are any examples. How do I start to understand the consequences of a decision like this?


It doesn't matter what that lifestyle is called. 

What matters is if it would work for you and be ok with you or not. 

The consequences of this arrangement is she would get her emotional and romantic and sexual needs met elsewhere - but she would not be sexual with you. 

In other words, you would pay bills and help clean up after the kids, but you would not have any kind of emotional, physical or sexual relationship with your wife - ever. 

Here's another harsh reality; men will line up down the street to have a sexual/FWB type relationship with a married woman (or in this case a divorced woman who still lives with her baby-daddy) 

But no woman on the planet would touch the man in that situation. 

So while she would have lots of dates and lots of sex with an unending supply of men, it would be a complete sexual wasteland for you. 

This would be a highly unequitable arrangement for you. 

The question you need to be asking is whether you would be ok with that or not.


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## oldshirt

Now to be fair, if things like intimacy and passion and emotional connection and sexuality really do not mean a thing to you and you really wouldn't care that she was dating and having lots of sex with other men while you stay home and watch the kids and fold the laundry,,,, and you would be ok with no other woman ever touching you with a ten foot pole while you are in that arrangement -------- then I guess it is something to consider. 


However we have to be at least somewhat realistic here. If she does want a close, intimate, full-service relationship, then at some point there is going to be a man that would have her full time and she would leave to be with him anyway at some point. 

Or at some point you would decide that you wanted to have a sexual relationship again and you would not be able to do that while living as a family with your ex wife, and so you would be the one to leave. 

No matter how you slice it, this famial cohabitation arrangement would not be sustainable for very long. 

At best, it may work until the kids are early teens and don't need 24/7 care by two parents under the same roof any more.


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## farsidejunky

oldshirt said:


> It doesn't matter what that lifestyle is called.
> 
> What matters is if it would work for you and be ok with you or not.
> 
> The consequences of this arrangement is she would get her emotional and romantic and sexual needs met elsewhere - but she would not be sexual with you.
> 
> In other words, you would pay bills and help clean up after the kids, but you would not have any kind of emotional, physical or sexual relationship with your wife - ever.
> 
> Here's another harsh reality; men will line up down the street to have a sexual/FWB type relationship with a married woman (or in this case a divorced woman who still lives with her baby-daddy)
> 
> But no woman on the planet would touch the man in that situation.
> 
> So while she would have lots of dates and lots of sex with an unending supply of men, it would be a complete sexual wasteland for you.
> 
> This would be a highly unequitable arrangement for you.
> 
> The question you need to be asking is whether you would be ok with that or not.


This.

Love yourself enough to refuse to tolerate the intolerable. 

If she wants to divorce, give her one, with all of the benefits AND drawbacks.

After all, why would you want to remain married to someone who is angling for such a lousy arrangement, and who does not want to be married to you?

Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


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## UpsideDownWorld11

Divorce but co-habitate? That is noob advice from someone with no experience on the matter. Nobody does this. How will you feel when she starts dressing up and going out to bang men? And when you decide to date, how do you think women will react when they learn you are living with your ex-wife? Sounds like a great deal for her, but you get the shaft. If either of you develop any emotional attachment with another person, the co-habitation will have to end eventually anyways.

When you start the divorce process, you will be co-habitating at that point. After a week of that foolishness, you will understand the stupidity of the idea. The only thing I wanted at that point was to get out of that arrangement as speedy as possible.

I'm sorry you find yourself here, it is never easy watching the break-up of your family and you not having the resources to stop it. I found myself there a couple years ago. There is a light on the other side and you will come out with someone that values you.


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## Evinrude58

oldshirt said:


> Now to be fair, if things like intimacy and passion and emotional connection and sexuality really do not mean a thing to you and you really wouldn't care that she was dating and having lots of sex with other men while you stay home and watch the kids and fold the laundry,,,, and you would be ok with no other woman ever touching you with a ten foot pole while you are in that arrangement -------- then I guess it is something to consider.
> 
> 
> However we have to be at least somewhat realistic here. If she does want a close, intimate, full-service relationship, then at some point there is going to be a man that would have her full time and she would leave to be with him anyway at some point.
> 
> Or at some point you would decide that you wanted to have a sexual relationship again and you would not be able to do that while living as a family with your ex wife, and so you would be the one to leave.
> 
> No matter how you slice it, this famial cohabitation arrangement would not be sustainable for very long.
> 
> At best, it may work until the kids are early and don't need 24/7 care by two parents under the same roof any more.


Clear thinking old shirt. Concise. I agree.


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## oldshirt

Evinrude58 said:


> The arrangement the “psychologist” recommended is great for your wife, and would be horrible torture for you. I guess you’re supposed to just like it when you are forced to watch your wife go out on dates with other men?
> 20 minutes and this is the suggestion? I think this could be a setup. Either your wife and the “psychologist” have already worked this plan out, or the person was not a psychologist at all.


Without getting any more information from the OP, I have the feeling the wife made an appointment(s) with the shrink to see if there was anything from a psychological perspective to do about this. 

People don't usually go to shrinks for marital issues unless it is dealing with some kind of pathology. 

If the wife was the one initiating the psychological services and was thusly the "client", then the psychologist would list the various options that would apply primarily to the wife. 

The OP did state that this was one of various options listed. 

I don't think this was necessarily a "setup" per se. I think the shrink just listed a number of options for them to consider and this was one of them. 

It's really not much different than when you get these guys who's wives no longer want to have sex with them and having an open marriage where the guys can get their sexual needs met outside the marriage. 

Many women may scoff at that idea, but some are cool with it as long as he continues to pay bills and helps raise the children. 

Other than the divorce, this is no different. From her perspective, they are probably pretty much just roommates anyway so why not formalize the roommate agreement and create a pathway that she can get her emotional and sexual needs met. 

It's actually viable option to consider if he does not want an emotional or sexual relationship with her, yet wants to maintain 24/7 access to the kids and does not want to go through the legal hassle and expense of divorce. 

I wouldn't want to do that, nor do I think 99.99% of the other men in the world would either. But if he is that emotionally and sexually disconnect from her - he might. 

The real issue I see with it is that it will not be sustainable for very long. She may be ok with it initially, but once she starts dating other men, eventually she will want a full-service relationship and once one of the men wants her full time, she'll be out the door in a week. 

And once she starts dating, she will cut the OP off from all emotional closeness and sexuality and if has any interest in intimacy and sexuality at, eventually he will get yearnings for a real relationship as well. 

This may be an option to consider as a temporary Bandaid to keep the family under one roof until the kids are teens and don't need 24/7, two-parent care anymore. But I don't see it as any kind of long term solution.


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## Bananapeel

So basically, she'd be your roommate. Are you both OK with a roommate situation? Does she plan on you supporting her or does she understand your finances are off limits and she'd have to come up with her equal share of the bills? Are you both OK with dating other people, just like other roommates would be?


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## 269370

WhatNextDad said:


> My wife and I are both employed professionals and financially secure. We have arguments but we manage to keep a good functioning household for our 2 kids of 5 and 8 years.
> 
> 
> 
> My wife has been resentful for years saying she does not feel loved by me and that I am not capable of meeting her needs because I have Aspergers. She says her relationship with me is like living with a third child. We have both gone to counseling before and I made an effort but was not able to meet her emotional needs.
> 
> 
> 
> Neither of us want to go through a messy divorce and we want a stable environment for our kids. Recently we went to see a psychologist to help us with our issues. My wife said that she did not want to go through another decade of having a loveless marriage. We did not get 20 minutes through the first session before the woman started telling us our options, one of which is to get divorced but live together so we can raise our kids.
> 
> 
> 
> In the past my wife was concerned about putting the kids through the trauma of a separation but the psychologist told her that our relationship is causing harm because they are not seeing what a "loving" marriage is like. With this validation my wife is seeing the best of both worlds. She can co-parent with me in a stable household and fill her romantic needs elsewhere.
> 
> 
> 
> I have done some Googling on this and I hardly know what this lifestyle is called or if there are any examples. How do I start to understand the consequences of a decision like this?




Move in with the psychologist and **** her brains out. Maybe she will be able to give better advice next time as a result.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Taxman

Your therapist is so full of shytte their eyes are brown. OK, so you are being set up for institutional cuckoldery. Here is what you do, tell your wife that since she is incapable of appreciating you she can GTFO. Put divorce papers in front of her, and say that you want a woman to appreciate you, not call you a child, not drag you to a shrink cause she wants a fresh **** between her legs. Tell her she is welcome to do that, but it is going to cost her in a divorce. Then financially, you get a killer lawyer and a murderous accountant and you let her see the setup her life will have after you.

I have an absolutely disgusting client. He was driving his wife nuts. Sexually, financially, emotionally, he was raping her. Her Mom sought out the lawyer I generally recommend. He gave me a call, but as I was under legal engagement with the husband, I could not offer my services. I however, did recommend a colleague. Soooooo, after a little investigation, and some fancy footwork, he shows up in the office, unannounced and dejected. She basically got my recommendation to do a forensic audit. They uncovered a ton of irregularities, and hidden assets. Stuff that I was not made aware. If he does not comply, he will probably have a stay at a white collar crowbar motel. The divorce filing gets her a goodly amount of revenge on his ass. I also asked him to find another accountant. You lie to me, you are gone.


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## Graywolf2

*First oldshirt is spot on about everything.
*


oldshirt said:


> The real issue I see with it is that it will not be sustainable for very long. She may be ok with it initially, but once she starts dating other men, eventually she will want a full-service relationship and once one of the men wants her full time, she'll be out the door in a week.


Your primary goal is staying with your kids. You would have to hope that she never met a man that wanted her full time and could put up with your kids. * I'm kind of joking* but if you go ahead with this make it part of the deal that she can only date married men with kids of their own. Basically men in her situation.


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## Thor

What were the other options offered?

My guess is that this one option was offered not as a preferred outcome but to show that you have a choice how you live your life. I doubt the therapist was recommending this option as what he/she thought was best or even good.


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## michzz

I agree with the last poster. An outrageous option was suggested amongst the other to show the you that you are at a parting moment.

If I were you, I would get over the idea that you have to stay in the same house.

Consult with a lawyer. Protect your kids, but be realistic about who lives where.

Move on.


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## TAMAT

Wow just think how it will feel with you staying at home with the kids while the woman you are still legally married to is out with other men. When that happened to me it was the loneliest feeling I've ever had time stands still.

Tamat


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## WhatNextDad

BluesPower said:


> How bad is your Aspergers? Is it the lack of physical affection that is her issue?


She is not interested in being intimate and I never turn down sex. She says she does not feel any emotional connection from me. At times in the past I have listened to her and tried to understand what she needs but I have not been very successful.

Aspergers might make me good at my job (IT professional) because I am good with complex software systems but I admit that I am not good at building relationships (romantic or friendship). 

One challenge is that her personality is type-A, assertive, extroverted, and emotive. That may have been one of the things I was attracted to but it is hard to relate.



BluesPower said:


> The therapist is clueless BTW. If your wife does not love you and does not want to marry you, then divorce her and move on.
> 
> There is someone out there that will love you.


The fact that the therapist would suggest this as a possibility makes me question if it is appropriate so I am visiting a new therapist of my own next week. I think she feels emotionally trapped but she enjoys the security that I give and has anxieties about being on her own (even if she calls incompetent and a bad parent at times). The things we argue about are relatively minor and she appreciates that I am nicer than men in her past relationships. 

She makes it sound like a perfect solution but I think she wants to have things on her own terms. For example, in her past marriage she chose an old creepy super-wealthy guy not really understanding or admitting her motivations but thinking she would get what she wanted. I was her rebound: younger, like her dad, average joe, and less dominant. 

It is a contradiction that she also smart (PhD university lecturer) and independent to the extent of being like a feminist. If you think that is a strange combination I will also add that she has a separate degree from a conservative seminary school and speaks fluent Japanese.



BluesPower said:


> Also, were you this way when you married? Are you sure that she is not already having an affair?


She says I have not changed much since we got married. I think she was hoping we would grow closer. I don't think she is having an affair but I think she wants one.


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## happyhusband0005

This is a crap situation for you, and your kids. Obviously your wife is a shallow person who has never made good relationship choices. 

I know a few people with Aspergers, one is happily married and ok in social situations, though he doesn't seem to have a lot of close friends he is caring and affectionate with his wife. The other is more of an extreme case and has a very difficult time in relationships and does very poorly in social situations, but he's a genuinely good guy and seems happy. Both are very successful people in general. 

The solution suggested is a very bad one and does nothing to solve the issue the therapist raised of your kids living in an environment where the example of a marriage is one that lacks love and affection. So it fails miserably as being what would be best for the kids. The only person this would be good for would be your wife. 

It sounds like a divorce might be the best solution here as it's unlikely your wife will suddenly change and love you for you. There are women out there who will be attracted to your intellect, and stability and will take the time and effort to understand your Aspergers so they can actively help you better connect with them emotionally. I think your wife seems like a bit of a narcissist and not capable of that.


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## personofinterest

I have an adult child on the spectrum, so I confess right of the bat my perspective is not objective.

It is obvious to me from your posts that you love your wife. No, you may not express it in the way a Ryan Gosling character would, but you DO love her.

If she were here, I'd be advising her to look at the way YOU express love and see that instead of trying to mold you into someone else. 

This co-habitation solution is ridiculous. I don't care if it IS 2018 (whatever that means)

Have you ever heard of the book, His Needs, Her Needs? I assume you probably have, since you used the phrase "emotional needs." Because his approach is basically mathematical, it might help you to really dig into that.

If you were cold and withholding sex and affection, I'd have a different take, but it sounds like that is not the case.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

WhatNextDad said:


> She is not interested in being intimate and I never turn down sex. She says she does not feel any emotional connection from me. At times in the past I have listened to her and tried to understand what she needs but I have not been very successful.
> 
> Aspergers might make me good at my job (IT professional) because I am good with complex software systems but I admit that I am not good at building relationships (romantic or friendship).
> 
> One challenge is that her personality is type-A, assertive, extroverted, and emotive. That may have been one of the things I was attracted to but it is hard to relate.
> 
> 
> 
> The fact that the therapist would suggest this as a possibility makes me question if it is appropriate so I am visiting a new therapist of my own next week. I think she feels emotionally trapped but she enjoys the security that I give and has anxieties about being on her own (even if she calls incompetent and a bad parent at times). The things we argue about are relatively minor and she appreciates that I am nicer than men in her past relationships.
> 
> She makes it sound like a perfect solution but I think she wants to have things on her own terms. For example, in her past marriage she chose an old creepy super-wealthy guy not really understanding or admitting her motivations but thinking she would get what she wanted. I was her rebound: younger, like her dad, average joe, and less dominant.
> 
> It is a contradiction that she also smart (PhD university lecturer) and independent to the extent of being like a feminist. If you think that is a strange combination I will also add that she has a separate degree from a conservative seminary school and speaks fluent Japanese.
> 
> 
> 
> She says I have not changed much since we got married. I think she was hoping we would grow closer. I don't think she is having an affair but I think she wants one.


So your partner was a gold digger who married a sugar daddy. Now she is hooked up with you, stable nice sane person. 

Now she demands to keep you as beta provider while she enjoys relations with other men. Sounds like a win win for her should you accept. 

Dump her fast.


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## geekpapa

Hey. I have a similar situation. Mine is further down the road though, with no conclusion in sight.
I am/was also a high income techgeek.. I am not sure how Aspergers impacts your life. Perhaps you can read self-help and relationship books faster than I can <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/smile.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Smile" ></a>


I want you to understand the risks and rewards to this setup.

The downsides are very bad. She is physically and emotionally involved with other men and is using you as a companion without any benefits to you. It is bulls**t. However.. there are rewards if you can handle it. Mostly, it buys you time to get your s**t together.

The upsides are very specific. Firstly, you have a chance to win her back because you are squarely in the center of her world. You have easy access to your kids and house.

You need to establish a don't ask policy. Because with your initial dates, you will be dating down. It is a little socially embarrassing, so don't tell anyone.. lol (especially her!). You initial dates will be older, heavier, poorly.. whatever. It is part of the learning process. Don't try to make her jealous! It is just for you. You need to restart your personal life!

Go to a gym, watch your diet and join every dating site out there. You are smart.. there is a system to online dating and you can figure it out (hint: its all the photos and check out at the local competition). There are plenty of women that like nice successful men that are great dads! Trust me <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/wink.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Wink" ></a>

She will find out quickly that many men are lousy companions.

You need to geek out in self-improvement. It took me 9 months to figure out dating and lose 22lbs. I read a ton of self-improvement books and books on relationships too.

You have to emotionally move on. This is the really really hard part. Eventually though, even when you are "dating down", you will realize how awesome it is be with someone who likes you.. even if they are a poor match. It does wonders for confidence.

If you feel like she is using you (she kinda is) and if she is being rude.. keep reminding her about your plans to move out! Pack up your stuff when she first starts dating. Keep her on edge a little.. and she will suddenly try harder and respect you more (weird).

In my situation.. it has swung back and forth from an inhouse separation to an open-marriage.
I stopped caring about her seeing other guys.. started sleeping in the same bed again. We still have intimate conversations before we go to sleep. I am still the center of her world. She knows I am prepared to leave, as I already packed most of my stuff.

Make sure to meet over tea once a week to talk. It is a chance to use your new skills from those relationship and self-help books.

Your free time needs to be fair! Very important.

Either she will come around and want to work on things, or you will find someone better. She might find someone better first.. in which case you are simply more prepared to be single.

Feel free to private message me here.

I am still in limbo.. so I wish I had a success story.

Part of me wishes I had moved out before she had started dating.

Honestly, just move out. That way.. you will be in a emotionally better place to move back in.

Good luck!

Cheers,
Geekpapa


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## Marc878

I'd let her go. She wants to be a cake eater and make you a cuckold.

I wouldn't put up with that ****


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## Cooper

I'm still trying to figure out how this scenario could in any way be positive for the children. Mom and dad living together but dating other people? Those kids will grow up with no clue what a committed loving relationship is, what a terrible example you will be setting for them.

Your wife seems to blame you yet I think she is to blame, she married you for the wrong reasons. It sounds like she married you for a purpose, not out of love, you were a rebound and an entirely different type of option than her first husband. Now that she's bored she doesn't want to give up the security you provide but she wants to have the freedom of a single woman. 

My advice…divorce her, sue for full custody of your children, raise your kids in a stable loving atmosphere.


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## arbitrator

*In cohabitation, the noted absence of a marriage license is not going to help at all!

This is literally a hair-brained scheme that would be of service to no one! *


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## SunCMars

You are intelligent, you are ordered and you are cool to the touch.

You are still warmer than her, she is ice.

She is the Ice Queen.

You have Aspergers?

She is cold hamburger.
Tasty only when you are really hungry.

I can understand a women's need for romance, sex, intimacy..... all women should have that.
I can understand but not accept her acceptance of such an arrangement as offered by this psychologist.

It sounds too calculated, so cold. So Asperger like. Herself, this.

Then again, she may love you more than you know. She is trying to shock you into some sort of action.
A last ditch effort. Likely, conflicted thinking on her part. She likes you like a brother and a friend. 

Ach! This is wishful thinking.

The fact that she will not allow you to be intimate with her tells it all.
She only wants to plunge into hot water.

That tap is missing on her anatomy, and seemingly missing on yours' also.

Those having the hot water tap will pass her by. She will steal their heat, not replenish it with her own. She has none.
Or, so it seems...

Men will soon notice this.

Passion is a valuable commodity, one in short supply. 
It is rarely connected to a pretty face; it often is connected to the most common appearing..... man and woman.
Then again, that fact is an 'odds' phenomenon.


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## vincent3

Graywolf2 said:


> You would have to hope that she never met a man that wanted her full time and could put up with your kids.


I thought the same thing. If she wants a divorce because she feels she has unmet needs, there's very little chance that those needs don't include the full package with somebody else. This cohabitation arrangement would only be about her having a stable situation while she tried to find that new man. If this was pitched as being in the kids' best interest, that's nonsense. Even if your wife were to agree to cohabitation until both kids were older, is she really likely to pass up that full package if it presents itself?

I suggest finding a lawyer who specializes in men's divorce, just to discuss your legal options. Be sure to tell the lawyer that you haven't made any decisions and will need to time to process the information he'll give you. The objective is to understand what you'd face in terms of custody of your kids and financial support.

I assume navigating a divorce would have particular challenges for somebody with Asperpers. I think that's where a psychologist might be the most helpful for you during this (but not the one your wife took you to). Also, does your locality have an intermediate unit for people with autism, Aspergers, etc.? They might be able to provide helpful resources.

Wishing you the best.


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## BeenHereB4

Oh dear - I see a pattern here - she says it's you (not her) - that you don't meet her emotional needs - that you haven't changed the way she sees fit - and is trying to setup an arrangement to get the benefits of marriage without the the give and take of marriage. 

Sounds like the situation I'm in. 

I just figured this out today. The "labeling" - it's all projection. Don't accept it - it's a subtle form of manipulation and control (I'm sure somewhere she might say that about you too - and maybe even say you are a narcissist). 

Tell her you'll accept that label, if you both get an evaluation done (trust me - the personality disorder is with her) and you both have the accept the outcomes. Get a reputable psychologist or therapist experienced with treating wide spectrum mental health issues to assess you both separately. This will shut down the aspergers label quick (or confirm it - then you can deal with reality - if it's truly the case)

My spouse recently started telling me that I'm an Aspie - because she thinks I'm super smart and have no social situation filter - she convinced my kids of that too - until I mentioned to the kids that I deal with business clients and work as an interface between them and the more technical resources (I'm a project manager - don't know many Aspies who could do that). I taught them that they need to consider all sides of a story - not just the one she or I share - but be a bit more objective and realize the truth is somewhere in the middle. 

Your wife has got you over the barrel here - you've got kids - and she needs your resources (she tells herself she needs them more than you do). Unless she has some drastic revelation and does an about face with her behavior, you just need to GTFO. Dump her ass, dump it hard, and dump it good. 

Sorry man.


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## BeenHereB4

There are things that only we as individuals, and things they as individuals can control. 

As with my situation, our women say they were hoping to be "emotionally" closer - but fail to realize it's a two way street that requires deposits from each accomplish. 

I really feel that those who say this are projecting their own emotional neediness - and there is nothing you can do to fill it. They have to be willing to give in order to receive.


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## personofinterest

I feel the need to point out that Autism is NOT a mental illness or personality disorder.


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## Diana7

I know a few couples who tried this 'living in the same house but separately' and it never works. If she is worried about the children seeing a dysfunctional marriage, how is this new arrangement going to help that? If she wants a divorce then let her leave. Neither of you will be able to move on and how will that work if you have new partners? Maybe she doesn't want you, but wants to keep control over your life while she does what she likes.


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## GusPolinski

WhatNextDad said:


> My wife and I are both employed professionals and financially secure. We have arguments but we manage to keep a good functioning household for our 2 kids of 5 and 8 years.
> 
> My wife has been resentful for years saying she does not feel loved by me and that I am not capable of meeting her needs because I have Aspergers. She says her relationship with me is like living with a third child. We have both gone to counseling before and I made an effort but was not able to meet her emotional needs.
> 
> Neither of us want to go through a messy divorce and we want a stable environment for our kids. Recently we went to see a psychologist to help us with our issues. My wife said that she did not want to go through another decade of having a loveless marriage. We did not get 20 minutes through the first session before the woman started telling us our options, one of which is to get divorced but live together so we can raise our kids.
> 
> In the past my wife was concerned about putting the kids through the trauma of a separation but the psychologist told her that our relationship is causing harm because they are not seeing what a "loving" marriage is like. With this validation my wife is seeing the best of both worlds. She can co-parent with me in a stable household and fill her romantic needs elsewhere.
> 
> *I have done some Googling on this and I hardly know what this lifestyle is called or if there are any examples.* How do I start to understand the consequences of a decision like this?


Bull****.

It’s called bull****.

For examples, drive out to the nearest dairy and walk through one of the grazing pastures.


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## PieceOfSky

https://www.npr.org/2012/02/03/146342668/best-practices-learning-to-live-with-aspergers

Book by a man in similar shoes.


Btw, I’ve considered offering a similar arrangement to my wife. I’m the one not receiving affection. I suppose we both do not have our emotional needs met. We are at this point incompatible; there may be no satisfying resolution.

I’d guess your wife is looking for a solution that seems less harmful to the kids than separate houses, and seems like less of a loss for herself and perhaps you. Unless you have reason to doubt her sincerity, I’d assume she is seeking the best alternative to the current situation which is becoming harder and harder to endure. Might be similar to the bargaining stage of grief. Who knows if it could be made to work. But I don’t fault anyone for wanting to find something that might be worth a try. Fear is a heavy thing.


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