# Need help catching wife



## Benaiah (Feb 5, 2013)

Hello everyone. I recently posted about how my wife has treated me over the course of our marriage and before. However, I would like to concentrate on one particular point in this post. This is specifically to all of you women, but I wouldn't mind a man's input as well.

My wife has withheld sex for over 2 years. She shrinks back when I try to touch her, never wants to talk to me about our sex life, or intimacy, and never wants to snuggle or be close. She dresses in clothes that must be a decade old and ragged, yet dresses very nicely for work.

My question is: Is it mostly true that if your wife isn't having sex with you, then she probably is with someone else barring of course a thyroid, estrogen, etc. problem (which she doesn't have by the way.)??

I need this advice since I am going to start checking her e-mails, phone calls, etc. since I am considering divorce. If she is cheating, this needs to come out in the divorce hearing. So ladies, what is your prognosis? 

Do you think she is cheating on me or not?


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

I think she COULD be cheating, but I think she DOES NOT want to have sex with you. 

Based on your other thread, where you mention she's essentially waiting for you to die, yes, I think she very well could have cheated and wants to again.


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## Pravius (Dec 12, 2012)

What state are you in? Most states are no fault divorce states, I would get the hell out asap if you can.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

She's not cheating she was like this BEFORE you married her.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

Benaiah said:


> Hello everyone. I recently posted about how my wife has treated me over the course of our marriage and before. However, I would like to concentrate on one particular point in this post. This is specifically to all of you women, but I wouldn't mind a man's input as well.
> 
> My wife has withheld sex for over 2 years. She shrinks back when I try to touch her, never wants to talk to me about our sex life, or intimacy, and never wants to snuggle or be close. She dresses in clothes that must be a decade old and ragged, yet dresses very nicely for work.
> 
> ...


I am a women who in the past didn't want to have sex with my husband, and I didn't. My situation may be a little different from yours though. NO not ALL women who with hold are out cheating. For me, I didn't feel loved, or close to my husband. He has a alcoholic who had damaged me more than I already was. It was very hard for me to put aside my hurt and resentment to give him a part of me that I felt was sacred and where we needed a shared emotional bond, we did not have that. I was not going to keep laying down with a man who hurt me and continued to do so. He could either get help or we could divorce bottom line. 

He has since gotten help and we have been on the road to recovery. Things are better, not great but better. At least I feel closer to him now. Also there are women who have hormonal issues that can lower the sex drive etc. 

I think you might be jumping the gun here, you say you're ready for divorce if shes cheating. Well, make sure you rule out other things as well. Also you say she dresses ragged at home but dresses nice when shes at work, well so do I. It means nothing other than my job requires me to look decent and at home I can look like a slob if I choose. Also SOME people could be cheating if they are not having sex with you, but some people can still cheat who are having tons of sex too! Food for thought. 

Are there other indications you think she might be cheating?


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

This story appears to be so common that i am starting to believe that marraige sucks in general. Its hard to tell if she is cheating but it does make sense. I find it hard to believe that women in this situation simply do not want sex with the person they are married to, sounds suspiscious unless there is more to the story. How is your relationship other than sex.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> She's not cheating she was like this BEFORE you married her.


Good point, one I made in his other thread and should have carried over to here. While she could be cheating, as she has zero emotional attachment to you it seems, she very well could be asexual, bisexual, homosexual or just plain not interested in you but interested in someone else. 

Considering your health concerns, I'm not sure what the benefit is to you to catch her cheating, unless you live in an at fault satate/province, which would benefit you in terms of getting a divorce or denying her access to assets from the marriage.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Maybe she's not having an affair-she maybe simply doesn't want to have sex, or maybe she has intimacy issues.
Most people on TAM are very quick to scream "CHEATER", and I must admit, I would too, because the withholding of sex is considered a "red flag". 

Look at other ways she behaves. Does she:

Constantly criticize you
Put you down
Name-call
Go out evenings with GFs frequently, while you stay home
Stay out at night til 3a.m.
"Hide" her cell phone
Take said cell phone with her EVERYWHERE (including the bathroom)
Go into other rooms and close the door when she gets calls
Stay late at work frequently
Stay on FB til all hours
Have male friends
Keep in contact with ex-BFs
Get very defensive if you ask where she is, going, has been
Refer to all of your possessions as "hers"
Hurriedly close the web page she is on when she hears you coming?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Good point, one I made in his other thread and should have carried over to here. While she could be cheating, as she has zero emotional attachment to you it seems, she very well could be asexual, bisexual, homosexual or just plain not interested in you but interested in someone else. .


She was a party girl. Did lots of things with OTHER men just not her husband. Not while dating and not while married. She swore it would be different after they got married - it wasn't it got worse WAY WORSE.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

How do you treat her?


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

NOT all people who withhold sex are cheating. Yes, it does mean some could, but no not all. 

There could be other things going on as well. Medical or mental issues? Does she harbor anger or resentment towards you for any reason? Not in love with you? Has she been abused in any way? 

Number of things could be going on with her. Lack of sex does not always = cheating. It might be time for some MC, does that sound like an option? How old are you both?


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## Benaiah (Feb 5, 2013)

"Maybe she's not having an affair-she maybe simply doesn't want to have sex, or maybe she has intimacy issues.
Most people on TAM are very quick to scream "CHEATER", and I must admit, I would to, because the withholding of sex is considered a "red flag". 

Look at other ways she behaves. Does she:

Constantly criticize you
Put you down
Name-call
Go out evenings with GFs frequently, while you stay home
Stay out at night til 3a.m.
"Hide" her cell phone
Take said cell phone with her EVERYWHERE (including the bathroom)
Stay late at work frequently
Stay on FB til all hours
Have male friends
Keep in contact with ex-BFs
Get very defensive if you ask where she is, going, has been
Refer to all of your possessions as "hers"
Hurriedly close the web page she is on when she hears you coming/ "
===================================================

As for my health to Kingsfan, we have property and many possessions together and I don't want those going to her. If I die without me proving she is cheating on me, they will go to her. 

As for the above poster, yes she is secretive. She does keep a tight hold on her cell phone, as well as her e-mail. She left her e-mail open one time recently and I did see several e-mails to a co-worker discussing things that were a little beyond work conversations. 

Not necessarily sexual conversations, but in some ways intimate conversations asking (with evident concern) how each other were doing, what was going on each and every day, etc. Something in my opinion that either a two girls would do, or something that a girl would share with her boyfriend or husband. 

She does put me down at times, and does manipulate me to no end. She MUST be in control or she manufactures an argument so as to take back control. 

She does get VERY defensive if I ask where she has been, or if I have ever came right out and asked her if she has been cheating on me. As for her Ipad and computer, they are always turned off, password protected, etc. 

And in regards to her calling our stuff hers, her parents call everything we have hers. They never refer to our Farm, Park, home or anything as mine and hers, but only hers.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There is a possibility that she is cheating but here dressing in old rags at home and nice for work does not in and of itself mean that she's cheating.

I don't know whta she does, but surely dressing in old rags for work would not go over well at work.

She's obviously tryng to avoid giving you the impression that she wants anything to do with sex as home.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Benaiah said:


> As for my health to Kingsfan, we have property and many possessions together and I don't want those going to her. If I die without me proving she is cheating on me, they will go to her.


Considering your health woes, I hope you don't carry on the investigation to long. If you don't find something in the next few months, just go get a divorce. At least that way she'll only get half of everything.

Also, if you do get access to her e-mails, phone, etc. in the future, print off everything that looks suspicious. Get as much info as possible.

I think you should head over to the Coping With Infidelity section, they have lots of ideas on how to catch a cheating spouse.


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## Benaiah (Feb 5, 2013)

As for her not being into sex, she was extremely into sex before I met her. As for medical problems, there is none. She just went to the doctor for vaginal checkup, etc. Her estrogen levels are fine, as well.

She was not abused and has no mental disorders or problems either. As for how I've treated her, I treated her like a princess for so very long. I still to this day find myself treating her better than I should. I just gave her a very nice ring the other day to celebrate a milestone in our relationship.

We have been married as many days as we have been a couple as of January 31, 2013. I took her out, gave her a nice letter and the ring in a gift bag at the restaurant. I also bought her more things after we left. Of course this didn't motivate her to be intimate with me in any way since then or before for that matter.

If you ask anyone of her friends, or family or mine for that matter, they will tell you I treat her very well, and most of her friends are jealous of just how well I treat her. Sorry to seem as though I were bragging. I just wanted to show everyone how I do treat her.

And as for dressing well for work, she doesn't have to. She is her own boss. She works at a University and sets her own hours and class times for each semester. Everyone of her colleagues besides one dresses very sloppily. She didn't always dress so nicely for work either.

I think I've covered everything. I realize some people and especially some women would be okay without sex for some time, but my wife was very wild before I met her sexually and she did things that would make most girls blush giving blow jobs to one of her boyfriends on the back of a school bus for instance, having sex in the woods, getting fingered in public, etc. (sorry if too graphic).

So sex or the lack of the desire of sex isn't a problem for her. It just seems I'm undesirable to her. Of course no one MADE her marry me much less made her PROMISE me that things would improve after marriage.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

Maybe she has emotional problems and it has nothing to do with you such as depression?

Or maybe she's no longer attracted to you, have you kept yourself in shape or have you gotten heavy?

Yes it's possible she's got someone on the side and there are ways to find out if that's the case.

Yes your story is a common one, happens all the time in long term relationships problem with marriage is that you can't just break up over it.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Seems you treat her well with materialistic things..how about emotionally? Maybe its not gifts she wants.


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## Benaiah (Feb 5, 2013)

I've always tried to consider her emotional needs before mine, at least for the last 16 to 17 or the last 18 years and I've ALWAYS met all of her sexual needs. Please refer to my post Cruel unfeeling wife.

After we first met, I gladly gave to her oral sex or anything else she wanted while she withheld from me time and time again. My needs were never important, but I always gave to her what she desired. I suppose in my case, you could say I gave too much and let her take me for granted. 

I just loved her so much.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

If you could go back to the day you married her, would you say 'I do' again?

If not, get out.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

If you check up on things to see if she is cheating, what will be your next move if you come up empty handed? What if, in fact she is not cheating, then what? 

Is there anything else at all that you can think of that might be causing her lack of interest in sex? 

Also keep this in mind, I'm sure you are aware of it. Sometimes, people change, period. People are not always who they may have been years ago. Sometimes peoples views change, the way they feel about others change etc. She just may be at a totally different place in her life right now than she was years ago. I'm saying that is an excuse for the lack of sex, BUT it obviously isn't on her top priority list right now, doesn't always mean someones cheating.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

I can't speak for "love", but I can tell you that some women will marry just for the financial security. Mine did, and it's pretty obvious that yours did, too. No sex in two years? She's getting it someplace else and is going to celebrate the day you drop dead.
Dump her, even if it cost you because she isn't going to change.
(also, I suggest that you get tested for social diseases if you are using the same silverware and dishes)


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Friends, to put things into perspective, here is Mr. Benaiah's first post about his wife. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/67027-cruel-unfeeling-wife.html#post1422401



Benaiah said:


> My problem is quite long and complicated. I will be as brief as possible. My wife and I have been together for 18 years 9 of which as a couple and 9 as married. When we first started dating, I fell hard for her.
> 
> Shortly after dating, we became sexual. Everything was going fine until a few months into the relationship. She just started having very little or nothing to do with me. I continued to pleasure her via oral sex, etc. but she found little to interest in me or pleasuring me.
> 
> ...


Mr. Benaiah, I believe in the above thread, many of us has already advised divorce. Considering your health problems, I believe it will be much easier for your to concentrate on dividing your assets (consultation with a good lawyer is crucial here), rather than trying to "catch" your (so-called) wife.


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## Benaiah (Feb 5, 2013)

I agree that I should just divorce her instead of trying to "catch" her. I am just so stressed and unsure of what to do. I don't want her to get more than she should since she values my life so little. Furthermore, the thought of her getting another guy living here as soon as I'm dead and having his baby KILLS ME. 

As to the post about her not wanting sex or changing. I think as I look over the past, she has probably always cheated on me whether through too-friendly intimate but non-sexual relationships or sexual relationships as well.

You don't go from 1,000 to zero or at least in my life's experience with people. She has no mental health problems, no "female" problems and I have not abused her or treated her wrongfully in anyway. If anything, I've been too nice I suppose so that she thought she could just run over me.

This is stressing me to the max and I am seemingly growing weaker by the day. I can't walk well at this point very far without collapsing. I need an oxygen tank but for some reason, my health insurance won't pay for it. To rent one costs $2,000 a year.

I suppose catching her is vain as the last 18 years of my life. In all honesty, I pray every night to die in my sleep. I appreciate all of the advice that I've received. This is honestly the most the most I've talked with anyone in years. 

Thanks so much.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

Your health is a much bigger issue than the problems with your wife.

Even if she agreed to sex you could easily over exert yourself and you could even have a heart attack DURING sex.

Maybe that's what she's worried about?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Benaiah,

Did you and your wife live together for the 9 years before you married?

What percentage of your joint income does she earn?

What percentage of the assets you have did each of you bring into the relationship (before and after marriage)?


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

We are truly sorry to hear about your plight, Mr. Benaiah. Many of our TAM friends here was/still is also in sexless marriages like you. Our sympathy is with you. I hope your lawyer will get you the best arrangements to keep your assets away from undeserving hands.

Are you religious? If yes, maybe now it's time to contact your priest/padre/Rabbi/Uleema and ask them to pray for you. Maybe you will find Divine Love and Divine Justice, if not in this world, hopefully in the afterlife.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

It does sound like you have some money Benaiah. Why don't you use some to talk to a lawyer and get your ducks in a row about what you need to do?


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

You have an incredible amount of fortitude to stay with this woman as long as you have. 

Based on the state of your physical health, I am not sure why you are stressing this much. It certainly will not improve your health. It is obvious from what I have seen that your wife really wants nothing to do with you. Having a professor for a wife myself, I realize that they tend to be a very liberal thinking and acting group. So her behavior towards you kind of goes against what I typically see.

Without reading all of your threads, my advice would be to start enjoying your life. She is going to get a share of your estate whether you like it or not. Have a will drawn up legally, notorized, and filed. Give your share to whoever you like, except her. That way you know she will not get everything once you are gone.

Once you have that complete, file for divorce and stop worrying about her. As I said, go out and enjoy your life. Do the things you want to do with someone who wants to do them with you.


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## Benaiah (Feb 5, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Benaiah,
> 
> Did you and your wife live together for the 9 years before you married?
> 
> ...


No, we didn't live together for the 9 years of dating. For the last year or so, she has earned most of the income but it wasn't that way before. As for our assets, we didn't really own much of anything before we were married. We've bought everything afterwards.

It would work out however in terms of ownership of 60/40 with me having the 60 percent. As for the poster above this one, I agree that sex might overwhelm my heart now, but the reality is, this isn't even a concern for her that for the most part, my life is over sexually, as well as for good.

Secondly, this is how she's been for 9 years. My health has just made the situation unbearable to me more so than it has ever been since I realize my life is basically over and she doesn't care. 

I mean honestly. For all of you wives out there. Whether you like how your husband does or not, wouldn't there be some sadness if you knew your husband was on his way out? Would it not break your heart to see his health deterioate? 

My wife takes all of this in stride and acts as though its just another day. No big deal. I've never seen her cry or even act as though my pain or situation with my health has caused her any sorrow or regret.

I just can't see ANY woman I know treating their husband in this way no matter how much she disliked him. I think at times I'm just married to a monster.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Benaiah said:


> No, we didn't live together for the 9 years of dating. For the last year or so, she has earned most of the income but it wasn't that way before. As for our assets, we didn't really own much of anything before we were married. We've bought everything afterwards.
> 
> It would work out however in terms of ownership of 60/40 with me having the 60 percent.


So you have both contributed at almost an equal rate to the financial assests in your marriage. You just do not want her to get your half of it.

Have you checked your state laws about inheritance. Depending on your state, you might be able to write a will that only gives her a portion of your part of the community assets. Then you could will the rest to others who you fell are more deserving.

However, since you are so unhappy with her a divorce right now might make more sense.



Benaiah said:


> As for the poster above this one, I agree that sex might overwhelm my heart now, but the reality is, this isn't even a concern for her that for the most part, my life is over sexually, as well as for good.
> 
> Secondly, this is how she's been for 9 years. My health has just made the situation unbearable to me more so than it has ever been since I realize my life is basically over and she doesn't care.
> 
> ...


Some people seldom show any emotions about things that others would get very visibly emotional about. Have you asked her about what you feel in her not caring about your illness?

You said that you have always been ill and your health has declined a lot in the last 2 years. Could it be that she accepted that you are not well a long time ago and thus does not fall apart or act emotional since this is just how it is?


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Mr. Benaiah, with all due respect, I think you never had a real wife. You stated correctly , you married a monster. Your undying love to her made you think she's your wife, and it gave you false hope that things will get better. But it never got better at all, so, your entire "married" life is nothing more than "living in a false hope".

Anyway, whatever is done, is done. Now the best thing you can do is to follow Mr. C3156's advice above, it sounds reasonable and workable.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Benaiah, I have suffered thru several affairs my wife has had. PAs and EAs. What do you hope to gain with any knowledge that your wide is having one? It would only add to your pain. I would NEVER put up with what your wife has done. She is a heartless monster. Get out now.


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## Benaiah (Feb 5, 2013)

As for contributing about half the assets that is why I wanted to catch her cheating since I don't believe she deserves to be left with many of our possessions, especially so she can live it up with the next guy.

Secondly, as stated in my other post, I used to be able to keep up with the best of them and then some. My health has only deterioated to the point of death recently. I have went down over the last year or at the most two, but I just recently had a heart attack that knocked me back seemingly for good.

As for her emotions, I have talked to her about whether or not she cares if I live or die and many such questions as that. Whenever I try to talk to her, she just lies down, closes her eyes and "acts" like she is listening. Of course, she's done this for almost the entire marriage as well. 

If she feels anything, she sure isn't showing it at least to me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So why do you stay with her?


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

Benaiah said:


> As for contributing about half the assets that is why I wanted to catch her cheating since I don't believe she deserves to be left with many of our possessions, especially so she can live it up with the next guy.


Even if she's cheating that won't affect asset distribution in a divorce.

It's not like the judge will say "oh since you cheated you will get less".

Everything gets split in half unless you can make a claim that it's separate property because you owned it before, or maybe an inheritance or something like that.


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## Benaiah (Feb 5, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> So why do you stay with her?


I'm afraid if I leave, she will bring her family in here and I will never be able to come back without severe hostility. Her family is just like that. I guess the idea of catching her cheating was a chance to make sure she doesn't get this place. 

I suppose it was a vain idea even though I almost know for certain in my heart that she is cheating. I'm sorry to go on and on. I haven't talked to anyone about this is quite some time. I won't bother anyone anymore.

Thank you all for your kind advice and wisdom.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are not bothering anyone. So you don't need to go.

If you file for divorce neither of you will need to leave until things are settled. Who gets the house, etc, or if it is sold will be part of the divorce agreement.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

You need to talk to an attorney. In most states you can't write a spouse out of your will, but you can limit for less than 50 percent..but you usually can give the other 50 percent to someone else. Change the beneficiary names on any 401K's life insuance or IRA's. I would go to an attorney and find out your options and I would tell her she either goes to counseling or your going to an attorney to get a divorse...her choice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She might have a problem with intimacy of any kind. Perhaps counselling might help?


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

"She dresses in clothes that must be a decade old and ragged, yet dresses very nicely for work."

I do the same, often. I wear the monkey suit & tie to work and on the weekends and in the evening - I slack off to my great and exquisite comfort. Ripped up jeans and whatever else is nearby. 


Sounds like she has no interest you. I wouldnt confuse that with cheating. Frankly - cheating is the least of your worries as crazy as that sounds. You two have no functioning relationship to speak of.. is that right?


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Benaiah said:


> I need this advice since I am going to start checking her e-mails, phone calls, etc. since I am considering divorce. If she is cheating, this needs to come out in the divorce hearing.


If you do end up going the divorce route, do not under any circumstances let it be known that you monitored her phone calls or email.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

Others have given you emotional advice. Let me be completely practical:

Go see a divorce/family law lawyer. Today or as soon as possible. Find out what the laws are where you live as far as dividing assets and inheritance.

Lawyers often get a bad rap (I know, I am one), but the cost will be well worth it in these circumstances. There's nothing more frustrating to a lawyer as when a new client comes in the door too late, leaving us thinking, "why didn't he come in for advice in advance?"


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

jaharthur said:


> Others have given you emotional advice. Let me be completely practical:
> 
> Go see a divorce/family law lawyer. Today or as soon as possible. Find out what the laws are where you live as far as dividing assets and inheritance.
> 
> Lawyers often get a bad rap (I know, I am one), but the cost will be well worth it in these circumstances. There's nothing more frustrating to a lawyer as when a new client comes in the door too late, leaving us thinking, "why didn't he come in for advice in advance?"


*smirking* :iagree: Well us consultants get more respect 

But, if you lawyers get a client, it often means that we failed *ouch!*



Ok, joking aside, Mr. Benaiah, Mr. Arthur is very correct here, please do not delay to consult a competent lawyer!


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

Huuva said:


> A buddy of mine married a girl that in the first week of marriage she caught him masturbating to porn. It disgusted her so much she made him sleep in the guest bedroom and for the 3 years never had sex again. When he told me the story, I said gtfo now. He loved her and tried counseling. Finally, he met another woman, so he got the divorce papers ready and then she wanted to reconcile. Nope. He ended up marrying a beautiful women and they just had their first child a month ago.
> 
> He is so happy now. The moral of this story is gtfo NOW...


The moral of this story is that the guy didn't know much if anything about the woman he married and she didn't know much if anything about the guy she married, so when she "caught him" doing something as innocuous as jacking off to porn, she completely freaked out and her response was extreme.

The moral of the story is don't marry a person until you have a clue what they're all about.

Life isn't always better on the other side of the fence.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

totamm said:


> Life isn't always better on the other side of the fence.


True, but if your side of the fence is the middle of Death Valley, probabilities suggest it couldn't get worse.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

totamm said:


> Your health is a much bigger issue than the problems with your wife.
> 
> Even if she agreed to sex you could easily over exert yourself and you could even have a heart attack DURING sex.
> 
> Maybe that's what she's worried about?


I think the OP needs to find a different doctor and get a complete
physical analysis of his problems.
It is possible that she is poisoning him and this is the cause of his deteriorating health.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

hookares said:


> It is possible that she is poisoning him and this is the cause of his deteriorating health.


What an idea.

A bit farfetched but I've heard about this sort of thing.

Usually you see it on Crime TV


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

hookares said:


> I think the OP needs to find a different doctor and get a complete
> physical analysis of his problems.
> It is possible that she is poisoning him and this is the cause of his deteriorating health.


OMG, life imitating soap opera! *facepalm*


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Benaiah said:


> Hello everyone. I recently posted about how my wife has treated me over the course of our marriage and before. However, I would like to concentrate on one particular point in this post. This is specifically to all of you women, but I wouldn't mind a man's input as well.
> 
> My wife has withheld sex for over 2 years. She shrinks back when I try to touch her, never wants to talk to me about our sex life, or intimacy, and never wants to snuggle or be close. She dresses in clothes that must be a decade old and ragged, yet dresses very nicely for work.
> 
> ...




My wife was like that from day one we got married, 13+ years ago.

The reasons:

Her parents are quiet and ultra conservative and that translated into her outlook on sex.

She had a boyfriend before me that was a jerk and called her fat.

She has others say she was large before him.

Yes, she is a larger woman, not huge but could loose a good 50+ lbs.

She was just like your wife and I thought of divorce many times and we fought about it many times as well.

Once I had our recent final talk, and layed everything on the table, she seems to have got it. She knows I have a HD and have relieved myself hundreds of times due to her LD. She no longer cringes and pushes me away much. Instead of sex 1 - 2x each month, more like 2 - 3x each week now. If its late, 1 am, she didn't push me away and fell asleep and we had intimacy / sex and no complaints on her end. Having our talk was a make it or break it and it made it. She wasn't seeing anyone to my knowledge. She also dresses really nice for work and when she gets home, crappy clothes and no make up.

On my wife's initiative, she is getting a vaginal hormonal shot by the end of February which will reset her hormones and get her sex drive to normal. She has told me the results are amazing and husbands are thanking this therapist.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Don't worry to much about catching your wife. Its a toxic relationship that will not likely get any better, period. Just look into your options with a lawyer, and go from there.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

Benaiah said:


> As for her not being into sex, she was extremely into sex before I met her. As for medical problems, there is none. She just went to the doctor for vaginal checkup, etc. Her estrogen levels are fine, as well.
> 
> She was not abused and has no mental disorders or problems either. As for how I've treated her, I treated her like a princess for so very long. I still to this day find myself treating her better than I should. I just gave her a very nice ring the other day to celebrate a milestone in our relationship.
> 
> ...


Maybe her job is wearing her out so when she comes home she just wants to relax and feel comfortable.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

Enchanted said:


> Maybe her job is wearing her out so when she comes home she just wants to relax and feel comfortable.


Every day for two years?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Can you give your half of the assets to a charity in your will?


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Maybe part of this is not so much about her having an affair as it is you hoping she would so you could feel better about having a more legit excuse to end the marriage? If you really want out and tired of it all, then just hand her divorce papers.


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## Eöl (Feb 13, 2013)

It might not be an affair. Maybe she just doesn't desire you anymore. Women tend to lack of desire for several reasons, routine is the main one. You need to stir her desire. There are many ways to do so. You need to bring mystery, novelty. Take time to take care of yourself, go to the gym, start having new activities. Buy new clothes, always try to do something different, bear a goatee one day, shave it the next, find something else the next week. Buy a couple of different perfumes, try to surprise her, buy her a massage in a beauty centre without telling her (this will not stir her sexual desires, but she will love you for it). Her imagination will be working again. Maybe you need to go out more. She needs to miss you. She needs to think "darn I wish he was here" to reconquer you. That is key. Always make her think you are not 100% conquered. I am not saying to act like a jerk, never do that, you will just piss her off. But she needs to feel that you are an attractive guy, that other women around desire you and that she needs to do what it takes to keep you. Hope it helps !


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Eöl said:


> It might not be an affair. Maybe she just doesn't desire you anymore. Women tend to lack of desire for several reasons, routine is the main one. You need to stir her desire. There are many ways to do so. You need to bring mystery, novelty. Take time to take care of yourself, go to the gym, start having new activities. Buy new clothes, always try to do something different, bear a goatee one day, shave it the next, find something else the next week. Buy a couple of different perfumes, try to surprise her, buy her a massage in a beauty centre without telling her (this will not stir her sexual desires, but she will love you for it). Her imagination will be working again. Maybe you need to go out more. She needs to miss you. She needs to think "darn I wish he was here" to reconquer you. That is key. Always make her think you are not 100% conquered. I am not saying to act like a jerk, never do that, you will just piss her off. But she needs to feel that you are an attractive guy, that other women around desire you and that she needs to do what it takes to keep you. Hope it helps !


Mr. Eol, I know you meant well..

But I think you didn't read all the posts...

Mr. Benaiah had done everything to persuade his wife to act like a normal human being. But she, well, aren't.

Check out his original post in another thread.


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/67027-cruel-unfeeling-wife.html#post1422401


Benaiah said:


> My problem is quite long and complicated. I will be as brief as possible. My wife and I have been together for 18 years 9 of which as a couple and 9 as married. When we first started dating, I fell hard for her.
> 
> Shortly after dating, we became sexual. Everything was going fine until a few months into the relationship. She just started having very little or nothing to do with me. I continued to pleasure her via oral sex, etc. but she found little to interest in me or pleasuring me.
> 
> ...


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## Eöl (Feb 13, 2013)

Damn sorry.. I didn't catch that part.. OMG I feel sorry for Benaiah, my heart is with you. My advice : get out of there !


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