# Want a man's perspective...



## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Currently, trying to move past an issue we had 3yrs ago. The background is below but I wanted a guy's perspective...

Am I overreacting? Is it possible he really just saw her as a friend nothing more as he says, "the coworker I get along with the most"...and at some point 3yrs ago he said he was looking out for her like a brother because she was cheated on and divorced. CURRENTLY though, she is married and has a baby. 

We are currently working on boundaries...back then he thought I was being unreasonable. Now 3yrs later (THREE YRS!) he said he finally understands how much I was hurt, how I really feel etc...and that it's his decision he's not going to talk to her unless necessary at work...

I know sometimes he can be a Mr. Nice Guy so he agreed to read Athol Kay's book...

Any thoughts? 

_
A little background (this is all 3yrs ago):

My husband works w/mostly females, a few that he is friends with. One in particular he seems kinda close to him (talking wise). I know they text each other once in awhile but mostly about either work or her asking how me and baby are doing. She is in a book club with me so I kind of know her too. Well since we've been home w/the baby, I noticed on my computer that husband has gone to her facebook page many times--she doesn't really use it often so I have no idea why he did that

So I asked him about it and he said he just went there out of habit. He said it was stupid to do, and also something about the # of pics didn't match up with the actual pictures so he was just curious...

So why would he be so concerned about that? Also, one time he went on to check her page was at like 6am before work...what is that about? He said he didn't know why, again out of habit....

Husband is not close with his family, and we don't live where he grew up so his friends now are basically just his coworkers--which I feel badly about because I know sometimes he feels kinda lonely...

So am I overreacting that he is close friends with this one girl? I basically told him it bothers me and he said he's sorry and he won't be as close and it was stupid of him to check her page out for no reason


He didn't actually do anything, he's just friends with her, but something just doesn't sit right with me. I guess I just don't like he's close friends with a girl who's single. I don't know--I feel like if it was a guy I'd feel different. She is a nice person, I've seen her texts to him (just asking how the baby is, how I'm doing, funny things that happened at work, etc), so I don't think she has any kind of bad intentions, but it made me upset...I kept thinking is he interested in her etc?

Just recently having had a baby, him being home with me for a few weeks now and this has made me so stressed
_


Please tell me I'm just overreacting, or there's nothing to worry about (well I hope that to be true)


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

He sounds a bit infatuated with her.

You may want to confront him directly but in a soft way and just say you can see he has a great interest in her, that it’s very obvious. That you need to know you are the only woman who has his love and affection and that his behaviour makes you feel very insecure.

Ask him to just resist the impulse he gets to see what she’s up to on Facebook or anywhere else. And that will let you know that you are the woman who has his love and affection and you will no longer feel insecure.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I would otherwise tell you it's nothing to worry about.

But then again the horrors of Facebook are now world reknowned. And if your woman's intuition tells you it doesn't feel right it probably isn't.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

This is one of those code yellow situations. It's an early warning sign for an emotional affair that can be avoided in time. He seems to be good friends with her, but the growing amount of time they are together is not looking too good. Now it's human for him to show a little interest and want to socialize but work friends should stay work friends. I sense she's trying to gather information about you and what he desires so that she can later try to create that perfect facade and cast doubt on your marriage. People naturally ask about each other's lives but does it seem like she is probing for details to you? If so you better listen up.

You are not being too overly cautious or controlling and you can never go wrong when you trust your gut. I want you to define your boundary over infidelity to him and make it known you will not put up with being cheated on. THEN, get this! I want you to treat him special.The OW will seem like a better option so long as you keep finding arguments to be won and especially if you indirectly attack her. His feelings over her are directly liked to his pride, so an attack on her is seen as a personal attack. Get it?

You're only chance of not pushing him further towards her and into "more than close friends" is to attract him and make yourself his gf for a while. Think about it, she thinks everything he does is interesting (or will soon)..... so beat her to the punch and start showing a little more enthusiasm for his stories.... and don't b!tch about him talking about her, gather details for later when you draw conclusions.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

I guess I am not sure what the question is. This all happened three years ago, it seems like nothing else occurred, and he now understands and is working to create boundaries and alleviate your concerns.

So what is the issue. It was something to be concerned about, but since it seems to have stopped, and he is working on it not repeating, why are you dwelling on it? Is there more that makes you nervous?


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

Tall Average Guy said:


> I guess I am not sure what the question is. This all happened three years ago, it seems like nothing else occurred, and he now understands and is working to create boundaries and alleviate your concerns.
> 
> So what is the issue. It was something to be concerned about, but since it seems to have stopped, and he is working on it not repeating, why are you dwelling on it? Is there more that makes you nervous?


I agree with this. It sounds like you handled the original situation quite well. And although he didn't see it at first, he has followed the guild lines set forth. Hasn't contacted her since then and you haven't had any issues recently?

From what you said, it probably was innocent to begin with. Honestly, I'm guessing most EA's are innocent. The vast majority start out as legitimate friendships. It's what they turn into is the problem. And it sounds like you headed this off before it really got there. 

Considering most stories, consider yourself lucky. I would still keep my eye open, but I wouldn't hold it over him and try not to dwell on it too much (I know, easier said than done)...


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

I appreciate all of your advice, it actually has calmed me down a bit...

I DO admit I am an overreactor sometimes AND I sometimes get jealous...

I should have also added husband doesn't have many friends in the area, but I think this has taught him my boundaries and to find friends elsewhere, the closest friend can't be a girl from work (my boundary)

He did tell me he thinks after I had our child he was looking for an outlet to just talk to, not about serious stuff but just to make things seem 'normal' for a bit because of how crazy is was after having our baby (I had an emergency c-section, suffered some PPD, he was home from work for a month)

I shouldn't push it right? 

How do I proceed? Just talk to him about boundaries (in the meanwhile we are ALSO trying to work on how to communicate)


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

It sounds like you've talked about the boundaries already haven't you? Yes, you need to establish boundaries. But don't over do it. If they've been established, he understands them, and there is no indication he is violating them (other than what was already addressed obviously), you don't need to keep going over it. 

And from a guys perspective, obviously the girl from work as a friend is not a good thing, but friends are a good thing. Don't discourage him from regular friends. People need that. Just because our spouses are our best friends, doesn't mean they should be the only friend.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Well when this all started and I was mad, I said I was mad, I don't like this etc...

I never said this behavior makes me uncomfortable and you're threatening our marriage by continuing it....

He said he didn't realize it was a threat back then, otherwise he "would have just stopped and not talked to her"

And I can vouch that sometimes he is clueless like that, the NMMNG, but I also don't want to be a doormat

I'm writing a list of boundaries now, trying to keep it short


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

Three years later and he says he finally see how much he hurt you.....:scratchhead: I bet he does see now if there was something to the relationship after three years he would have had enough time to get his head out of the infatuation fog. 

I just dont get the behavior of people when they put co-workers on pedestals above their spouse not caring about how they are presenting themselves when MARRIED and just leaving the spouse to DEAL with the behavior they feel justified in displaying. After three years and now he wants to talk to her only about work simply raises my eyebrow to the THRILL IS GONE so now he wants to get back in good graces:scratchhead:

BUT I COULD BE WRONG...............


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

shaylady said:


> Three years later and he says he finally see how much he hurt you.....:scratchhead: I bet he does see now if there was something to the relationship after three years he would have had enough time to get his head out of the infatuation fog.
> 
> I just dont get the behavior of people when they put co-workers on pedestals above their spouse not caring about how they are presenting themselves when MARRIED and just leaving the spouse to DEAL with the behavior they feel justified in displaying. After three years and now he wants to talk to her only about work simply raises my eyebrow to the THRILL IS GONE so now he wants to get back in good graces:scratchhead:
> 
> BUT I COULD BE WRONG...............


He thought I was just being jealous and controlling and lost my temper about it....because there were periods in between where I would act like all was normal and fine (because I was busy with our new baby!)

He said for about 1yr he only talked to her about work and stuck to that...he said over time because they work in the same room and HAVE to talk to each other about stuff at work, it just became more like that again...


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

GPR said:


> I agree with this. It sounds like you handled the original situation quite well. And although he didn't see it at first, he has followed the guild lines set forth. Hasn't contacted her since then and you haven't had any issues recently?
> 
> From what you said, it probably was innocent to begin with. Honestly, I'm guessing most EA's are innocent. The vast majority start out as legitimate friendships. It's what they turn into is the problem. And it sounds like you headed this off before it really got there.
> 
> Considering most stories, consider yourself lucky. I would still keep my eye open, but I wouldn't hold it over him and try not to dwell on it too much (I know, easier said than done)...



It came up again because we recently went to a kids birthday party where she was...SHE was trying to talk to him like 'normal' and he OBVIOUSLY was trying to avoid her....when we came home I flipped out about it because I think he would have talked to her more if I wasn't there...he said "maybe a little bit but we're not friends, I don't talk to her that much" :scratchhead:


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

yellowstar said:


> I appreciate all of your advice, it actually has calmed me down a bit...
> 
> I DO admit I am an overreactor sometimes AND I sometimes get jealous...
> 
> ...


Proceed with what? Boundaries are good to talk about, so no problem there, but what do you hope to accomplish with discussing this three year old incident, one that he admits you were correct about? What is your perfect outcome?


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Proceed with what? Boundaries are good to talk about, so no problem there, but what do you hope to accomplish with discussing this three year old incident, one that he admits you were correct about? What is your perfect outcome?



It came up again because of this:

We recently went to a kids birthday party where she was...SHE was trying to talk to him like 'normal' and he OBVIOUSLY was trying to avoid her. When we came home I flipped out about it because I think he would have talked to her more if I wasn't there...he said "maybe a little bit but we're not friends, I don't talk to her that much"


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

You have said you are a Jealous person?

Have you had issues like this before where you have confronted him?

The reason I'm asking is because if you have been unreasonable about it before, it's easier for him to think it's just you being jealous. 

At the beginning of my Marriage, my wife had a lot of self-esteem and jealousy issues. She would confront me about things that were totally and entirely unreasonable. She would get upset over a story I heard in the breakroom from a woman. I honestly had never talked to this woman before in my life (quite a few people work here and I had just started)... I didn't even know her name. And she was 20 years older than me. And my wife would get upset about it. 

After a while, I would've brushed off a lot of things as "her just being jealous". 

It's the boy that cried wolf syndrome. You get upset about too many little things, he will ignore you when you get upset about something legitimate.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

GPR said:


> You have said you are a Jealous person?
> 
> Have you had issues like this before where you have confronted him?
> 
> ...



Yes you nailed it! I would overreact, get jealous and flip out for stupid little things before...he probably brushed it off to it being that again...this time I was dead serious. So I guess this is partly my fault...

I wish he could give me a clear answer on why he checked her facebook page so often (more than others)...besides I don't know, I got along with her better at work than others and talked to her....after this happened he just deleted FB all together


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

You are taking good things and making them bad...

He was checking her facebook. Now has deleted it. And you are acting like that's a bad thing? That's GOOD. 

And if you were overreacting to a LOT of things, as a guy, I can definitely see why it took him longer to see why you were upset. Again, he thought you were being your unreasonable self again. 

You really need to take a step back and think about what is reasonable and rational to be upset about. Because the more unreasonable you are, the less likely he will get the point when it is something important. 

So be careful you don't end up beating a dead horse here. Because it will end up doing more damage than good.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

GPR said:


> You are taking good things and making them bad...
> 
> He was checking her facebook. Now has deleted it. And you are acting like that's a bad thing? That's GOOD.
> 
> ...


Yes...I definitely have a gut feeling also I need to do this, don't screw this up he is a good guy  I need to think more clearly instead of jumping to conclusions and getting emotional for no reason...

I have to work on my own self esteem so I'm sure that has something to do with it. Also I would consider this coworker pretty...so yeah


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

yellowstar said:


> It came up again because of this:
> 
> We recently went to a kids birthday party where she was...SHE was trying to talk to him like 'normal' and he OBVIOUSLY was trying to avoid her. When we came home I flipped out about it because I think he would have talked to her more if I wasn't there...he said "maybe a little bit but we're not friends, I don't talk to her that much"


Again, what is your gaol with this discussion with him? He seems to be doing the right things now, so what do you want out of this discussion? You sit him down, you lay this all out, and in your perfect world, his response is ... ???? What do you want him to say?

I see one of two things going on here:

1. You are obsessing over her because of your own insecurities; or

2. There are reasons that you have not posted here that make you think something else is going on.

You need to figure out which one is correct and then get back to us.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Again, what is your gaol with this discussion with him? He seems to be doing the right things now, so what do you want out of this discussion? You sit him down, you lay this all out, and in your perfect world, his response is ... ???? What do you want him to say?
> 
> I see one of two things going on here:
> 
> ...



I think it's partly #1 AND partly #2. #1 yes, my insecurities. #2--when he told me he cut off communication with her before besides the minimal necessary for work, he should have told me if it was changing or that he talks to her a bit more now... he shouldn't have promised one thing back then and then lied by omission when things changed... Does that make sense?


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

What was the lie by ommission.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

GPR said:


> What was the lie by ommission.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He promised to not talk to her at work unless absolutely necessary. He started to talk to her more after time went on and never told me things had changed...


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

yellowstar said:


> He promised to not talk to her at work unless absolutely necessary. He started to talk to her more after time went on and never told me things had changed...


I never got that out of your stories. How long ago did this happen and when/how did you find out about it?


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

GPR said:


> I never got that out of your stories. How long ago did this happen and when/how did you find out about it?


When I found out about him being closer to her than I thought and told him I was uncomfortable (I have all the original emails saved where I'm upset, yelling at him I hate this, I don't like this...I showed him again yesterday)--this was 3yrs ago. He then promised he will not talk to her unless absolutely necessary at work. He said he did this for almost a year...

then it slid back to talking more, but never like it was originally. He said the "culture of his work place" and the fact that they do work in the same dept forces him to talk to her and its awkward...for other coworkers too if he is short with her :scratchhead:

Then a few days ago we went to a kids birthday party where she was and soon as we walked into the park, she (no one else) did like a huge wave like "Hi we're over here!". Then when she talked to him in the big group conversation, he avoided her, walked away and took our daughter to play. I could *feel* that he was purposely avoiding her and SHE was just talking like they probably normally talk at work...

When we came home I was pissed off and flipped out--and he admitted that if I wasn't there he would have talked to her a little more but he still is not friends with her and its never gone back to what it was like originally...


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

yellowstar said:


> When I found out about him being closer to her than I thought and told him I was uncomfortable (I have all the original emails saved where I'm upset, yelling at him I hate this, I don't like this...I showed him again yesterday)--this was 3yrs ago. He then promised he will not talk to her unless absolutely necessary at work. He said he did this for almost a year...
> 
> then it slid back to talking more, but never like it was originally. He said the "culture of his work place" and the fact that they do work in the same dept forces him to talk to her and its awkward...for other coworkers too if he is short with her :scratchhead:
> 
> ...


This helps a bit. Unfortunately for you, it is a bit difficult. While it sounds like he did not have an emotional affair (though please correct if that is wrong), he did talk to her more than you are comfortable with about three years ago. Though he might not have agreed with your assessment, he did promise to restrict discussions to work topics. Unfortunately (and perhaps due to the nature of his office environment), he has broken that promise. Has he completely blow through it, or is it just on the edges necessary to keep harmony in the office.

One option is to make peace with the fact that because of the work environement, some non-work talk will be necessary to keep things running smoothly at work. This might work if you can both be clear on your boundaries. The problem is that leaves you feeling vulnerable, and gives him the opening to start straying into sharing too much with her (even if he does not initialy plan to do this).

Another option is for him to change jobs, with the understanding that he will maintain his boundaries in his new job.

What other results would you accept?


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> This helps a bit. Unfortunately for you, it is a bit difficult. While it sounds like he did not have an emotional affair (though please correct if that is wrong), he did talk to her more than you are comfortable with about three years ago. Though he might not have agreed with your assessment, he did promise to restrict discussions to work topics. Unfortunately (and perhaps due to the nature of his office environment), he has broken that promise. Has he completely blow through it, or is it just on the edges necessary to keep harmony in the office.
> 
> One option is to make peace with the fact that because of the work environement, some non-work talk will be necessary to keep things running smoothly at work. This might work if you can both be clear on your boundaries. The problem is that leaves you feeling vulnerable, and gives him the opening to start straying into sharing too much with her (even if he does not initialy plan to do this).
> 
> ...



A couple of times he said I'm just going to get a new job then...

While that would be ideal for my concerns, his job is great, his hours & benefits are good for our family and he purposely did a residency at this job to get it (meaning he took a pay cut one year when he left a prior job). We've talked about this and it's like we're stuck trying to find a solution we both will like and be able to do...

I probably have to be a bit more trusting on my end though too


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> What other results would you accept?


Maybe that he promises to cut off all communication again unless necessary, and when they DO have communication ever via email, he forward it to me. In person I guess he'll just have to tell me

I'm in grad school so when I'm done I'm wondering if we'll move and start over new in a different place. Otherwise I don't know if this will be a long-term fix for this. 

We are starting MC next week, mostly because of how we communicate and he promised to read NMMNG. I know he placates me and then gets angry & bottles it up or it comes out yelling at me after. Not good.

We both grew up in volatile households and him and I both know in his house, it was his dad's way or someone was abused. So husband I'm sure did and said whatever to keep the peace, especially for his mom


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

yellowstar said:


> Maybe that he promises to cut off all communication again unless necessary, and when they DO have communication ever via email, he forward it to me. In person I guess he'll just have to tell me.


Let's assume he agrees (and could do this, because you mention residency, which suggests the medical field, so not sure if there are patient privacy concerns). Would you believe him, particularly in view of his previous promise? Not saying you should or should not, but consider that if you would not believe him, then you could be setting him up to fail. That is, you set a boundary, he agrees, then you come back and fight because you don't believe him and he can't prove a negative. Make sure you can be comfortable with them.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Let me also suggest that you read the book "Not Just Friends" (I think the authors name is Glass). As I understand it, it deals with EAs and how they come about, and is often recommended on these boards. It may help the two of you better understand and deal with this.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

yellowstar said:


> Currently, trying to move past an issue we had 3yrs ago. The background is below but I wanted a guy's perspective...
> 
> Am I overreacting? Is it possible he really just saw her as a friend nothing more as he says,...back then he thought I was being unreasonable. *Now 3yrs later (THREE YRS!) he said he finally understands how much I was hurt, how I really feel etc...and that it's his decision he's not going to talk to her unless necessary at work...*


He understands how much you were hurt?! No he does not because if he did you would not now have to be dealing with any of this imo. He'd have cut contact completely or one of them would be in a different job

Your gut feelings are telling you what you deep down believe to be the truth. I think most would agree that although they could be wrong feelings most of the time they are absolutely spot on - listen to them put a few boundaries in place 



yellowstar said:


> _
> A little background (this is all 3yrs ago):
> 
> My husband works w/mostly females, a few that he is friends with. One in particular he seems kinda close to him (talking wise). I know they text each other once in awhile but mostly about either work or her asking how me and baby are doing. She is in a book club with me so I kind of know her too. Well since we've been home w/the baby,
> ...


_

out if "habit" really what habit would that be then ? full grown adult just goes to a website not really knowing where he's going - okay then



yellowstar said:



*He didn't actually do anything, he's just friends with her, but something just doesn't sit right with me*. I guess I just don't like he's close friends with a girl who's single. ....but it made me upset...I kept thinking is he interested in her etc?

Click to expand...

He's not "just friends" and you're right he is "interested" in her

_


yellowstar said:


> Please tell me I'm just overreacting, or there's nothing to worry about (well I hope that to be true)


Srry, it may just be me but I find this all very dubious on his part. I do not for a second think you are over reacting and he needs to answer a few questions.

I'd find out how he'd react if you said that basically unless you cut everything off with her utterly and completely we are going to end up divorced.

I would absolutely put this to the test because I think he's having his cake and eating it. How far it has gone I don't know but for sure this is imo an EA that has never really stopped


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Headspin said:


> He understands how much you were hurt?! No he does not because if he did you would not now have to be dealing with any of this imo. He'd have cut contact completely or one of them would be in a different job
> 
> Your gut feelings are telling you what you deep down believe to be the truth. I think most would agree that although they could be wrong feelings most of the time they are absolutely spot on - listen to them put a few boundaries in place
> 
> ...



So husband and I did a LOT of talking and I'm feeling a lot more positive and hopeful...

#1 He did apologize and told me he had no idea how badly I was hurt. He did say that before this time there were times I was overly jealous and overreacting with ANY female friend (this is true) and so he probably blew this reaction off too, thinking it was like the other times I blew up. I've point blank told him the Facebook thing, her texting him why is he angry are ALL inappropriate, I will not tolerate it. She has to be cut off except when absolutely necessary at work or I am done. 3yrs ago he was resistant and mad about it, but now he said he will do whatever it takes for us to get through this, for me to be happy and he will tell her something like, listen beyond necessary work stuff, there's no reason for us to talk. He said he wants this problem to be over and behind us, whatever it takes. He said he doesn't want to hurt me. He said he will email me exactly what he said, her reaction and he has no problem cutting this friendship off.

#2 We did go over boundaries, what I'm comfortable with and specifics of what I need to learn to trust him again. He said they were all reasonable and he agrees with them. 

#3 We are going to marriage counseling starting this week, to talk about our communication and learning to manage anger better.

#4 He agreed he'll read NMMNG and when I first gave him a synopsis about it (via email) he said he kept thinking about it and how its probably all true. He was upset that he was doing this and not even realizing it, and in the mean time hurting me. He doesn't want what both of us had growing up, instead a more healthy marriage and household.

#5 I am starting the 5 language of love

#6 He definitely sees now in hindsight that while he didn't think he was doing anything wrong at the time, how it was possibly heading in the wrong direction. I expressed my anger towards her too because if she really was a friend to him and me (he thinks she really liked me too), she wouldn't allow herself to get too close to him, especially after we said this has to stop. 

#7 He at first was immediately thinking of switching jobs...I didn't want to make any hasty decisions. I said let me finish my degree first and see where it takes us and that I am definitely more open to moving, which I wasn't so much before. I don't want this to dictate our life though...truth will tell right?

#8 He was telling me he is going to tell me more about work now, I've met everyone but now who does what, what they're like, what his relationship is with them, etc. Everything will be transparent too, phone, email etc. His work email can't be accessed at home but he promises to forward any email to me that she sends, even if work related. There's not much I can do about this though, I guess there has to be a little trust there. I think it's a small risk I'm willing to take. He is pretty sure though that if he tells her stop, no more talking except absolutely necessary, she will stop talking to him. I said well make sure of it because *I* don't trust her, I don't care if she is married now (and to be honest, my husband is a good catch...and attractive, unlike her husband  )

#9 I also am going to let him take more of the alpha role at home, I've always dominated everything, nagged him, put my interests and ideas first. When we fought he almost never was dirty about it, but me? I said so many bad things, ridiculed him etc...it took THIS situation to realize SOMETHING IS NOT WORKING. I feel guilty about it, he said we both have things to work on and both contributed to this. He said he was really thankful and happy that I was thinking about his happiness now too. Something I honestly kind of ignored before 

It was also nice to end this long conversation, after a week of discussing this situation and our marriage everyday...with really good sex


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Forgot to add, I suggested, reluctantly because he has a GOOD job for so many reasons, that he actively look for another position (within the same place or somewhere else). He is not thrilled about it and said but he understands why and if is mad, he is mad at himself for doing this all to us. 

So I guess this is good...it's a fine line between pushing over the edge with what *I* want and am comfortable with and holding all of this against him for too long of a time...


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

yellowstar said:


> Forgot to add, I suggested, reluctantly because he has a GOOD job for so many reasons, that he actively look for another position (within the same place or somewhere else). He is not thrilled about it and said but he understands why and if is mad, he is mad at himself for doing this all to us.
> 
> So I guess this is good...it's a fine line between pushing over the edge with what *I* want and am comfortable with and holding all of this against him for too long of a time...


Hope it ll goes well for you. Fingers crossed

However this last one here is really the key. Nomatter how minimal and how non personal the contact, while he still spends any time in the same room (building) as her, you will never ever deep down, let it go or ever feel comfortable with it. (Only me but I'd suggest he do whatever is necessary to get another job in another building)

Personally for me until they are completely separated you will have no real chance of this succeeding but it looks like that will happen so again good luck with it


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

I am just angry and resentful still...

Because of this and having to wait and work through husband's stupid decisions we decided to put having baby #2 on hold...

He puts me in such a $hitty position, if he stays at this job which is PERFECT for our family for so many reasons, I have to get used to that he works with her daily. If he leaves for a different job, I highly doubt there will be one that has benefits/leave time etc with this pay (and his field is saturated, so it's not like tons of positions available, at least here). Plus he actually like the job, like the stuff he has to do. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

I'm so angry


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

I should say he said he's ready to work and do whatever is necessary to work this out, for me to heal, and how sorry he is etc. I got him the NMMNG book which I think will help too, but I won't lie, I'm worried that maybe he'll read it and think "see ya!" :\


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

I'm just going to say it because no one else has: I think you are going a little overboard here.

Whatever kind of friendship your husband had with this woman is over. He's done everything you've asked him to do. You have demanded so much of him and amazingly, he has complied. It seems to me that there is no way you'll ever let this go unless he leaves a job he loves that provides you with a lifestyle you both enjoy. I think that is asking too much.

At the end of the day, you have no proof that anything ever happened between them. Did he have some interest in her beyond just being a work associate? Yes, probably. But since then, he's done everything possible to placate you and make you feel better.

You can't be with your husband every second of the day. You'll never fully know what he's doing minute by minute. The only thing you can do is 1) choose to trust him until you have a reason not to trust him, or 2) choose never to trust him and nag him and question him about everything until he's so beaten down he either divorces you or has a real affair.

I think you need to see someone for your jealousy and self esteem issues. You won't get past this until you work on your own problems. You seem extremely nice and you even recognize that some of this might be in your own head, so you need to work on that.

Maybe others won't agree with me here, and that's their right, but you're beating a dead horse every time your bring this up with him. It's ridiculous to make him send you emails from her, not talk to her at work, etc.etc. His patience may run out eventually. That is, unless there are other things about your past with him that you haven't told us.

Best of luck. From what you've told us, he seems like an extremely decent man.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Thank you, I really do appreciate your opinion. In fact part of me does feel like this a bit and maybe as I read and pour over all of these things I wrote on here, the more mad I get. 

I definitely acknowledge my issues of jealousy, low self esteem and other stuff from having a really messed up childhood :\ 

I sometimes feel really guilty (I told him this too) that I wish I listened to him better and invested more time in our marriage instead of always dominating, being stubborn and not compromising when I could. I know ultimately he still lied, BUT if I was doing my part of keeping a good marriage, maybe he wouldn't have hid this from me. 

I should be able to listen to his views and opinions, regardless of how different, without flipping out. He has said in the past, sometimes I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around you. Now in hindsight, I feel HORRIBLE. He really is a good man and a great father, yes he has done some things that hurt me, but I am not perfect either. 

We both have been talking a lot in the past couple of days, just listening to each other, not yelling, just talking and sharing how we feel about stuff. It's amazing, we BOTH wanted to be more physical/have more sex, but the way we were communicating made the other person think we weren't interested. 

Tomorrow starts MC, beyond this issue, mostly about the way we communicate. 

Thanks for your opinion


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Send her an email of no contact or not? 

I was so sure of wanting him to do this before but now I'm second guessing myself...maybe because I'm embarrassed of the whole situation. I guess that email will almost ensure their friendship is over.


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

If that question was directed at me, here's my answer: No way. 

He still has to work with her on a daily basis and that kind of email will make it an extremely uncomfortable workplace for both of them and you will have to deal with whatever fallout there is. Don't make this any tougher on him and don't give him a chance to hold this against you. If he sends that email and his work life becomes hell, he will hold it against you. Nice guys have limits too.

He's told you that he will limit contact with her, but please understand that he can only limit contact with her so much. They're coworkers and he's not going to want to be rude. It's time for you to trust him now. You've said everything on your mind and the ball is in his court. Trust him and show him you trust him until you have a reason not to trust him.

Also, I know what it's like to be married to someone who makes you feel like you're walking on eggshells around them all of the time. It's miserable and sometimes you do need someone to vent to. It's very possible that's all this ever was. Try and be more patient, loving and warm with him...even when you don't want to be. If you feel like you need to yell at him, take five minutes to yourself to cool down and then decide what to say/do.

Best of luck! It seems like you both are lucky to have each other and I give you a lot of credit for the MC! Marriage is full of ups and downs and you guys seem to have your priorities straight!


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

We talked previously about a no-contact email and husband said he would do whatever to make me feel better.

Once we were really talking about the details of it, I just felt like it was weird and maybe not necessary. And embarrassing for both of us, especially for him because he has to work there :\ 

I told him we would talk tonight but now I'm leaning towards not sending anything like that. The only thing I am 100% sure about is that he has to answer my questions about her and not keep ANY kind of friendship or relationship hidden from me.  Regardless of how he thinks I will react. Of course I will be working on listening and not just reacting.

I feel stronger in that he can stay there and be honest, open with me etc and keep the good job, than going to the unknown--and then maybe resenting me in the future. I don't want to ruin a good thing...


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I feel like I must be missing something here. Three years ago your husband looked at someone's Facebook profile quite often and talked to her at work. There was no physical affair, there was no emotional affair.

But now, three years later, you want him to send a woman that he works with a no contact letter, insinuating that he can't be trusted and she is some kind of predator? And he is prepared to do this? You sound a little bit crazy and he sounds like a doormat. If I told my husband to do that he would shut me down so fast my head would spin

I think counseling sounds like a great idea.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

I agree with what a lot of you are saying...I posted this in the dealing with infidelity forum and have gotten responses like this:

_If he stays he might cheat and then you'll be a single mom to two children... like me. 
Change the job..._


Hence, why I am kind of confused. I love that his job lets us have a pretty sweet deal (time off, salary, hours, benefits etc) and he actually like the job. I know regardless of where he is I have to work on trusting him, not being jealous, and he has to work on opening up to me, being more assertive etc to me. Obviously I don't want to end up a single parent, but I want him to be able to work there for the reasons listed above and me trust him. I wish she didn't work there  Also, I'll be finished with my degree within the next year which means would could *possibly* move, so if he left now and had to leave a job again, that would be a LOT harder on all of us. 

Thanks for reading if you got this far


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

Yeah, I'm still confused about the timeline of how all of this went down. And I agree that (at least from the impressions I have gotten in this thread) you are going a little overboard here with all of this...

And you need to do some serious looking in the mirror too... You want to know why he doesn't tell you everything? It's because you react in this way. Plain and simple. If the rat in the maze gets shocked enough, he's going to go a different direction. You stated yourself that control things, push him around, and he feels like he's walking on eggshells (a phrase I can definitely relate to). 

That will result in him not telling you things out of fear of how you react. Even if it's the most innocent thing in the world. I've been there. I was him. The most innocent and inconsequential things in the world, he will not tell you about because he FEARS how you will react to it. You need to realize that. And if you really want this to work with him... you need to work on yourself too. Because I guarantee he already has resentment built up inside him about how you treat him.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

I definitely am at fault for many things here. I shouldn't have ever overreacted any time he talked to a girl at work or friends in the past. I should have respected him more in the marriage, I should have worked harder on MYself (jealousy issues, self esteem etc) instead of always getting angry at him. And I should have listened to him more, instead of always dominating, like getting my way all the time. I should have made sure he was happy too :\

We have talked about resentment has built up in the past few years (him not being able to tell me or express to me what he feels) and me feeling like him not sharing enough...I don't know why I couldn't see this before but I guess when you have a baby and are caught up with that, my own issues and the stress of school, you just don't make time for it (which was a mistake on my part). 

I know the only thing he is responsible for here is lying to me, telling me they don't talk at work at all anymore and him looking at her facebook page so many times (which I know isn't technically wrong but in the context of things it upset me).

Let me do a brief timeline:

-3yrs ago had baby

-weeks after baby being born, I find out him looking at FB and now not so happy about their friendship (I knew of her then, met her from work parties etc). When he didn't talk to her at work the next day she texted him "why are you grumpy" and I got more annoyed--like why is she texting my husband about how he feels?

-the next few months while learning to become parents, we went back and forth about his friendship with her and finally I said I don't want him talking to her at all, even though they work together. He said unless its absolutely necessary, he won't. She gets annoyed and he explains that it's just not a good idea they be friends because he needs to focus on family/us now. She replies she was annoyed etc but says she will remove herself from the situation. 

-couple of years go by...all the time he said they don't talk. Since then she is now remarried and has a baby. 

-last week, we got to a work party, we walk into the park and she waves to him soon as we walk in. Then I could tell she was talking to him like 'normal' and he was avoiding her.

-we go home and I flipped out, why are you hiding that you still talk to her from me? Why weren't you honest? It was obvious she walk trying to talk to you (joking about stuff from work etc). I hate that this all started right after we had 'child' because it kind of tars that time for me. He said he never meant it to be like that and he really was only friends and he's upset that he hurt me. He said he liked being friends with her, and it was never friendly like before, no texts/calls/emails, only talking about work and joking at work about work-related things...while other people are there. We both said we'll do whatever it takes to fix things with our marriage...

Since he has gone back to work, he hasn't talked to her and he said she probably figured out something happened (him and I talking about her) after the party...

That leads us to today. The past week we have talked SO much, not yelling, but talking, listening, going to MC today for the first time, he is going to read NMMNG and Hedges and I am reading 5language of love and relationship sabateours. Lots of talking, a lot more physical, and all the stuff I mentioned prior in this thread...


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