# Not yet married 1 year and it's falling apart.



## mm04 (Jun 13, 2012)

I'm 23, haven't been married even a year and my marriage is falling apart. I love him, but not in love with him. Total time together is just about 3 years. I was ready to find the one to spend the rest of my life with, and him?? I'm not sure. He fell for me and fell for me FAST. Engaged in a month after meeting/dating. Did we move too quick? Sometimes I think so. His family hates me for unlogical and gossip reasons. I have never truely felt welcome and nor do I feel like my husband ever defends me when his family says/acts the rudest things. I am a very caring and loving person. I don't like being the one people dislike. 

In our personal everyday life, I'm not happy. I'm the kinda wife who loves to be kissed and hugged when either of us come home from work each day and cuddle up in bed every night. He isn't that way though. I've told him that's important to me and it hurts me when I dont get that. Well it changes for a week then goes right back to no hugs/kisses/cuddling. To me it's the little things that matter most. I don't need flowers or gifts. Just happiness from my husband that he is glad to be with me. 

There's many common sence things too that he just doesn't get. I'm very common sence oriented.... Take care of the pets (feed, water, let them out, bathe etc.) I'm always the one to do these things and when I ask him..."oh I thought you did it" or something like its not his responsibility. Completely oblivious to his surrounds and eat needs to get done. Even personal hygiene... That's what gets me most. You would think he'd wanna be clean feeling for himself... Especially for me. Sorry not gonna have sex with a smelly husband who hasn't showered in 2 or 3 days because your going back to work tomorrow. Goes for showering and brushing teeth. I feel like a mom already having a little 3 year old teaching him hygiene. Really?? 

The thing that I have back in my mind is that I meet someone a few months before I met my husband and I turned him down because I wanted to be single for a bit since I just got out of a relationship. Well we match to a T with compatibility. Same interests and passion for life. I have talked to him before about my marriage. He's not talking me out to try and get me with him. He's very respectful and just cares to see me happy. I have the guilt feeling of "why did I turn him down?" sitting inside me wondering if I made a mistake 3 years ago. 

There's much more but I hope to get some insight and more about my marriage will be brought up. 

Help!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mm04 (Jun 13, 2012)

I do want to mention too that I almost called off the wedding due to family conflicts and about me and him. He's a great guy but I don't feel like he's real husband material. I know that no relationship is perfect and that there are times of up and down. But I'm just simply not happy anymore. Our sexual desires don't match up, and he's not into it much, never has been really. Which isn't how I am nor how my family is. Between talking to my siblings and other relatives that are my age, it's not us. May seem odd but I'm not a sex 2 maybe 3 times a month kinda woman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

WOW --- Re-read your thread. You have to stop looking for others to find happiness. You have to find happiness within yourself. Maybe at 23 you don't realize this -- but until you "fix" yourself and find happiness and your own identity you will never be happy in any long relationship. This is not a personal attack on you -- just something I think you should think about.

Don't focus on your husband or the other guy at the moment -- focus on you and finding out who you are !!

I am not saying leave the marriage -- but IMO -- at least 1 piece is broke (you) -- but from what I read you husband may be broke as well.

Good luck !!


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

mm04 said:


> The thing that I have back in my mind is that I meet someone a few months before I met my husband and I turned him down because I wanted to be single for a bit since I just got out of a relationship. Well we match to a T with compatibility. Same interests and passion for life. I have talked to him before about my marriage. He's not talking me out to try and get me with him. He's very respectful and just cares to see me happy. I have the guilt feeling of "why did I turn him down?" sitting inside me wondering if I made a mistake 3 years ago.


Well no wonder things are bad in your marriage. You're investing your emotions in another man! 

It's not rocket science.

If you want to leave your husband, do so, but not for another man (that is silly). It does not sound like you are ready for marriage at all.


----------



## mm04 (Jun 13, 2012)

jh52 said:


> WOW --- Re-read your thread. You have to stop looking for others to find happiness. You have to find happiness within yourself. Maybe at 23 you don't realize this -- but until you "fix" yourself and find happiness and your own identity you will never be happy in any long relationship. This is not a personal attack on you -- just something I think you should think about.
> 
> Don't focus on your husband or the other guy at the moment -- focus on you and finding out who you are !!
> 
> ...


Thank you!!! I have been though some difficult relationships in the past.. Heavy verbal and metal abuse. I know what I want in life and so long I'm doing what my passion is, I'm happy. I love where my schooling is taking me and I'm very proud of myself with how much I have succeeded. It's the home life with my husband I'm hurt, upset and irritated I'd rather be go back to work where I love my job. I'm in the beginning stages of the medical field and will only learn more. 

This is why I don't feel like it will last... I would NEVER leave him for another man. I do worry about him being happy, I do love him. I just don't think I'm in love with him anymore. I'm was matched with this other guy 3 years ago, he's not a random guy off the street that I met. But I've obviously met him many times before and after. His caring style is my type for sure. But again, I'll never leave my husband to be with him. I'd leave him because I'm unhappy with the marriage and where it's going. I'd be single for quite awhile before I'd ever date or marry because it would still just crush my heart to divorce.. But I believe in the long run I'll be much happier than if I stay with him. 

I'm a very emotional person and stuff bothers me fast... I wish he would recognize it and help me feel wanted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

mm04 said:


> This is why I don't feel like it will last... I would NEVER leave him for another man. I do worry about him being happy, I do love him. I just don't think I'm in love with him anymore. *I'm was matched with this other guy 3 years ago, he's not a random guy off the street that I met. But I've obviously met him many times before and after. His caring style is my type for sure..* But again, I'll never leave my husband to be with him. I'd leave him because I'm unhappy with the marriage and where it's going. I'd be single for quite awhile before I'd ever date or marry because it would still just crush my heart to divorce.. But I believe in the long run I'll be much happier than if I stay with him.


Ok. So what are you waiting for? Stop wasting both your and your husband's time. It only gets worse the longer you string him along. It's clear you're in love with someone else.

And re-read your post. You are deep in the fog. Textbook.


----------



## mm04 (Jun 13, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Ok. So what are you waiting for? Stop wasting both your and your husband's time. It only gets worse the longer you string him along. It's clear you're in love with someone else.
> 
> And re-read your post. You are deep in the fog. Textbook.



I'm not sure how to take your response... Are you being rude or helpful? Seems like your trying to make it look like its all layed out in black and white. Forget the guy before I met my husband. It's my husband I'm unhappy with, his family don't like me (because everything in their world is perfect) and no matter what I tell my husband, with how hurt I'm feeling because of his lack of emotions towards my feelings, this is why I feel like I just won't be happy in the long run. He changes for a week, maybe 2 then acts like his same self. 


Where I live is not where I'm from... Which also add the the difficulty of feeling welcome here
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You came to an open forum and posted a question requesting advice. SO you are getting it. You don't have to agree with what I am saying but really, what alternative is there? Stay with your husband who you clearly don't love while you're still in touch with this guy you clearly have feelings for (and have for awhile?)

If you are unhappy, leave your husband.

Yes, it really IS that simple.


----------



## mm04 (Jun 13, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> You came to an open forum and posted a question requesting advice. SO you are getting it. You don't have to agree with what I am saying but really, what alternative is there? Stay with your husband who you clearly don't love while you're still in touch with this guy you clearly have feelings for (and have for awhile?)
> 
> If you are unhappy, leave your husband.
> 
> Yes, it really IS that simple.



Easier said than done. Yes I am accepting the fact this is an open forum... And I expected some not so accepting responces. That's fine with me. I'm not that deep into thought about that other guy. It hurts me to think about leaving my husband. It would hurt me more because I'm hurt already.

Is there any way to get him to realize I do wanna be with him, it's just hard to get that he really wants to be close to me. I want to save the marriage more than end it. I just feel that it's a game to him and I'm not gonna play. What else can I do??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mm04 (Jun 13, 2012)

There are and always will be WHAT IF's in life. I put myself on the lifeline everyday in my line of work. I may be young, but ive been trained to save lives. I hate seeing pain and suffering... And I sure don't want that in a marriage. it would HURT me so bad if I lost my husband. It hurts to even think about leaving him, but again, I'm hurting and It hurts me knowing I'd hurt him by leaving him, but I wonder if it's for the best in the long run. I HAVE NEVER CHEATED in my life, and I NEVER will. I am lucky to be with a man who doesn't cheat or abuse. But it's the small things that make a world a differance to me on why I'm unhappy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

