# How do you let go?



## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Everyone here keeps telling me to let go and while I do not disagree with you all, I do need to let go, how do I do that? How do I let go of my family? How do I let go of my marriage? How do I let go of the thing that was (is) most important to me? How do I just walk away from it? I invested so much into it. I tried for 15 years to make him happy. I dont understand why I was not good enough for him. I read those love language books. I would ask him if I was ever lacking in any area that he needed attention. He would always tell me that everything was fine. I dont know where I went wrong. What is he doing to me? Why will he tell me he loves me but still run off to be with her? Why does he sleep with me but yet desire her? Why does he give her the time and attention that should be mine? Why is she so f*cking special! Why does everything I ever did for him, not matter one f*cking bit? I'm sorry. I am sitting here crying right now. I just dont think another woman has any right to be with my husband nor does my husband have any right to be with another woman. How do I let go? How am I supposed to simply walk away? What am I supposed to do when he wont even move out? Some days I think the stress is going to kill me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You let go by relieving yourself of all hope there is a marriage left.

You cannot let go if you still have *hope* for your marriage. So that hope has to die.

You let go by accepting the reality that your marriage, the old one, is over now. 

You let go by starting to respect yourself and realizing this man you want, is disrespecting you every day and realizing that you don't need that in your life.

You let go by going no contact (whichI know is hard since he's still in your house).

You let go by not allowing him to have sex with you after he's just spent the night with OW.

You let go by being done. Finito. Over. 

Remember, this isn't about the other woman. It's about HIM. He has shown you over and over again who he is. You said yourself he left you some yrs back for another OW, was gone two yrs before he came crawling back. Now he's back to his same trick again. Until he faces his problems head on, this jumping from woman to woman, he wont' realize the problem is within him.

The shiny & new will always wear off. You are his safe bet he can always go back to.

STOP being his safe bet.
STOP sleeping with him.
STOP enabling his affair.
STOP placating him when he has done NOTHING for you. 

It's sick. Seriously write down everything he's done to you and read it over and over.

Why do you want this man, this man who he is right now? He has no respect for you. He has nor espect for himself. 

I hope you go and get tested for STDs soon.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I have written down the things he has done to me. I made a thread about it here http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24794-past-15-years.html


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

:iagree:

And you realize that it isn't about you. You did absolutely everything you could to make things work and more than most, given the circumstances.

It's HIM. HE messed this up. HE is choosing his own path--you could be Mother Teresa or the Devil Incarnate and he is still making his own decisions and choices here. He's acting out his own patterns and will reap the consequences of those choices.

Why does he run back and forth between your house, your bed and hers though? Because you let him. And that part IS about you. You have to have enough self-respect to see that he's only doing what anyone/everyone will let him--and why wouldn't he take advantage of all those fun comfortable things? His fine moral character? Right.

What would you tell your daughter to do in this situation? Your best friend? Why be any harder on yourself? Be just as kind and follow _that_ advice.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Apple, I will read your list later but you need to ask yourself why you want him after he has done so much dirt to you and is not remorseful at all.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

LOL, are you a cop, she likes a guy in uniform.....


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Just read your thread and deleted my previous post.

This guy is abusing you! Get out!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I am a firm believer in not burning those bridges but blowing them up and flushing the debris over the waterfall. Leave him loudly, violently, in public, in his place of work. Call him every filthy name there is, toss your ring at him and flip him the bird. Spit in his face and then as you leave, key his car. And make sure it's in front of people. 

Not much climbing down from that, is there?


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Apple, I will read your list later but you need to ask yourself why you want him after he has done so much dirt to you and is not remorseful at all.


I dont know what it is that makes me want him. I guess IC could help me figure this out and help me learn how to move on.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

Hey Apple that is a good question, I'am married now but I was in a previous relationship for nearly seven years, we lived together for majority of that time. I was not married so I'm not going to speak on something that I have no experice at but I can speak from the heart I hope that counts just as much. I felt we were married, I commited myself to him and treated him as a husband, I take relationships seriously and I wanted to get married even though he didn't. 

My ex had commitment issues, cheating, lying, etc were the reasons why I left him, but for the life if me it took me years to leave him. I became the very thing I hated, I'm a firm believer that who you surround yourself with can either bring out the best in you, or the worst. 

When I was checking his emails, txt messages, phone logs, tracking his every move, snooping trying to find info, some things were "evidence" some things weren't. I had this gut feeling this twinge in my stomach that something was not right. 

So one day I stumbled upon a number he kept calling I recognized it he said she was just a friend, find out later that he had another long time girlfriend for majority of our relationship, and she had no clue about me. I called her and trust me we had a very interesting conversation. I caught him cheating before but for some reason, me catching him in another relationship bothered me more then just a fling. So I waited for him to go back to school in Kansas, made sure he checke din his classes, he thought we were going to work this out.

APPLE as clear as day I remember that moment replaying everything we had together the good and the bad, no one can tell you how to get over it that is why people just say it. But like a great friend told me once, "Only you will know when you had enough". I was scared of being alone not being able to find anyone and mostly affraid that his other gf and him might be together. But then I realised I wasn't happy, and this was the best choice to make because I felt that I wanted a piece of mind I wanted myself back, I rather be alone and have a piece of mind then worry about what he was doing and all the drama that came with it. Apple I'm sorry for this long winded answer, but I think it's one of those things only you can answer when your ready. Now I can laugh at all the the things that he had put me through. He begged me to come back to him, he was crying lost weight, he totally Still looks like crap now. He from what I heard is still not over me, too bad for him it was too late. That was over three years ago now.

Listen to the beat of your own drum, just sit back in a nice open quiet environment and let your thoughts wander, if you can get away for a few days. And process everything. Once I made the choice to leave I swear I was sad but it was the biggest burden that was lifted from me, it was like a weight was lifted. You will make the right choices and good luck to you. 

-Kris


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## tam8145 (Apr 6, 2011)

Jellybeans - I appreciate your definition of letting go. 
For me, letting go is a days-long process. I am 34 days from D-day and my cheating wife will not end the affair. She is moving out of our home in 2 days. I have been on the 180 for 3+ weeks. I have told her I have let her go. I tried exposing to her relatives. Nothing has stopped the affair. 
Over the last 7-8 days, I have been releasing her in my heart. This morning, I woke up even further away than yesterday. Right now, I am at about 75% gone. I suspect after she moves out, I can go the distance within another week. Like Jellybeans said, I will not accept her broken promises. She is not the same woman I was married to for 14 years. 
I am resolved to let her go - soon. Thanks for all the help everyone on here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> I dont know what it is that makes me want him. I guess IC could help me figure this out and help me learn how to move on.


I'm trying to figure myself out too, I think our feelings have way more to do with us and the family we've built than our cheating spouses.

We don't want to let the family we've built go, and have forgiven them in the past to try and save it.

I have to think with time and vigilence it gets easier.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

You move on and let him go by finding yourself again... It's really an amazing experience. Since I've decided to stop trying to save our marriage I have found things I used to love to do, but stopped doing because I was so focused on my H and what he was up to. 

I know it sounds nerdy but I used to LOVE to cross stitch. Started it up again, it relaxes me and keeps me focused on something else for a change.

I started donating my time again, volunteering at a local abuse shelter and the homeless shelter. This makes me feel valuable and proud that I am doing something worth while.

Excersize! I joined yoga. It helps with the stress, and it is getting me in better shape. I know round is a shape.. but I would rather be curvy and healthy lol

Meditate. A few minutes alone, with clear thoughts actually does wonders. It helps me focus on my energy and breathing for a little bit and when I open my eyes again, things seem clearer and less pessimistic! I do this right before my H comes home so I can handle is "attitude" with less anger and jabs from me. 

Spend OOOBER amounts of time with your babies! Take them to the park.. take them anywhere! I took my kids to the mall and they had a blast... just something to do to get us all out of the house and less focused on the H's sh*t.

Make new friends! Put urself out there. No I'm not saying date.. just new friends, any new friends. I've joined the seperation/divorce support group and now have numerous friends.. we all check up on each other daily.

I made a list, of all the good things i liked about my H, and the stuff he has done to me that makes me hate him. Guess which list was longer? And guess what...the list of things i like about him had nothing to do with our marriage at all! I read the list daily to remind myself what a t*rd really looks like.

These things really do help.. and I can see my life without him wont be as bad as I thought.. actually.. its going to be BETTER!


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

tam8145 said:


> Jellybeans - I appreciate your definition of letting go.
> For me, letting go is a days-long process. I am 34 days from D-day and my cheating wife will not end the affair. She is moving out of our home in 2 days. I have been on the 180 for 3+ weeks. I have told her I have let her go. I tried exposing to her relatives. Nothing has stopped the affair.
> Over the last 7-8 days, I have been releasing her in my heart. This morning, I woke up even further away than yesterday. Right now, I am at about 75% gone. I suspect after she moves out, I can go the distance within another week. Like Jellybeans said, I will not accept her broken promises. She is not the same woman I was married to for 14 years.
> I am resolved to let her go - soon. Thanks for all the help everyone on here.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am now 31 days from my DDay. We separated on April 3, 2011. He still lives with us. He won't let go of this OW. I've told him I want him out of our house. I hate having to watch him every night leave our house because I know he is going to see her. I did good on a 180 for about 2 weeks then my hub and I ended sleeping together a few days ago. We both said I love you to each other several times that night too. I've joined a divorce support group, my first meeting is tomorrow and I've made an appointment for IC too. Everyone here is so helpful. This website has been tremendous help for me.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Lilyana said:


> You move on and let him go by finding yourself again... It's really an amazing experience. Since I've decided to stop trying to save our marriage I have found things I used to love to do, but stopped doing because I was so focused on my H and what he was up to.
> 
> I know it sounds nerdy but I used to LOVE to cross stitch. Started it up again, it relaxes me and keeps me focused on something else for a change.
> 
> ...


Lilyana, doing yoga or some sort of group exercise sounds fun. I will look into that for myself. One goal I have given myself is to lose weight. If I can keep focused on that, then that's less time I am focused on him and a few months down the road, when I am all trim and tone, he can eat his heart out cuz he won't be able to touch me!


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

Yoga made me feel old at first.. well.. it still does sometimes. Those positions they make you bend into.. geez. I kept hearing my hips and other joints pop frequently! It was like farting in public.. very embarassing lol

But its actually fun.. it's mostly women in the class.. a couple men who are very bendy like gumby .. it boggles the mind. After Yoga they also have a class called "get up and move" Its all dance. They teach you dances and your getting excersize at the same time. I think I may sign up


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Wrench said:


> I'm trying to figure myself out too, I think our feelings have way more to do with us and the family we've built than our cheating spouses.
> 
> We don't want to let the family we've built go, and have forgiven them in the past to try and save it.
> 
> I have to think with time and vigilence it gets easier.


Jellybeans asked me yesterday "What do I love about my husband?" And I am glad she asked me that, for that has stuck with me like glue. "What do I love about my husband?" And I have no answer. How sad is that? That question has been running through my head like wildfire. What do I love about him? He cheats on me, he lies to me, he is not a good role model to his children, he has never been there for me when I needed him. If I was sad, it was my problem, he never wanted to hear about it. He never wanted to just spend time with me, he only wanted to watch tv. He never made me feel special or wanted. In 15 years together, he never once brought me a Christmas present or a birthday present (never once. I always dismissed it because we never had a lot of extra money but I did buy him something every year, even if it was something small) I try to think about some of the good times we've had together but when I think about those, I can't help but to wonder if it was all a lie. The past 15 years have been one great big lie. So, if there is nothing that I love about him, then what is it that makes me want this marriage?


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

I think you are a lot like me.. I can't find a thing about the H that I love now.. but I can name a million of things i loved about him way back when. We are holding on to the person we know they can be. But we have to fess up to the fact that those people no longer exist and never will again.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

When I was finally ready to let go the big change was realizing that I deserved more than my situation. Everyone says they deserve better, but knowing it in your core brings a kind of peace.

It also helped to envision my life without my H. I had to think past the initial divorce blow. Naturally I'd be sad for a while and money would be tight, but I'd be free. I wouldn't have to worry about what he was doing, if he was telling the truth, what he thought about my reactions to his faults. Thinking logically about any situation seems to help me immensely.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I love his smile, I love his laugh, I love the way he walks, I love the sound of his voice, I love the way he holds me, I love his eyes, I love his face, I love his hands, I love how he is with our kids, I love his personality, I love his way with people, I love how friendly he is, I love how well we get along, I love his conversation, I love his enthusiasm, I love how he gets excited when something cool happens, I love his extreme tears in his eyes belly laugh, I love the way his eyes crinkle up on the sides, I love how when we are intimate he makes me feel like the only woman in the world, I love everything about that man, except that he now can lie to me so easily and choose another woman over me. Sorry, I am just missing him badly this morning. I love the way he used to love me, and I took it for granted and threw it away like an idiot, and pushed him over the brink.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

You let go by getting angry. You have already made a list. Read it. Again and again.

Why not make a list of all the great things about YOU?

Read it.

You need to learn to love yourself. You need to learn that you deserve better.

You need to heal and in time, there will be someone who can love you and treat you the way you deserve.

But you need to get help and counseling and work hard to push past all this crap.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

paramore said:


> I love his smile, I love his laugh, I love the way he walks, I love the sound of his voice, I love the way he holds me, I love his eyes, I love his face, I love his hands, I love how he is with our kids, I love his personality, I love his way with people, I love how friendly he is, I love how well we get along, I love his conversation, I love his enthusiasm, I love how he gets excited when something cool happens, I love his extreme tears in his eyes belly laugh, I love the way his eyes crinkle up on the sides, I love how when we are intimate he makes me feel like the only woman in the world, I love everything about that man, except that he now can lie to me so easily and choose another woman over me. Sorry, I am just missing him badly this morning. I love the way he used to love me, and I took it for granted and threw it away like an idiot, and pushed him over the brink.


*hugs*


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

thanks inlove, and I love him the way I always did, but I am angry with him for taking me for granted as well, and pushed me over the brink, and now he's throwing it away like an idiot.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Apple, I'm sending you hugs, because I'm just now at the point of letting go. I felt exactly the same as you. I think I actually asked the same question and had jelly tell me the same answer! 

I have to tell you, as scary as it seems, and you'll have good days and bad, I feel empowered. I feel me again. I don't need a man. That's not who I am. I am a woman, a teacher, a mother, a daughter, a sister. I don't need to be HIS wife. It's hard, but you can do it. People gave me good advice a few pages back in my thread. If you have the patience to sift through all my whining, haha. It's in Going Through Divorce or Separation, "Now What? I love you and I always will..."


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

WhereAmI said:


> When I was finally ready to let go the big change was realizing that I deserved more than my situation. Everyone says they deserve better, but knowing it in your core brings a kind of peace.
> 
> It also helped to envision my life without my H. I had to think past the initial divorce blow. Naturally I'd be sad for a while and money would be tight, but I'd be free. I wouldn't have to worry about what he was doing, if he was telling the truth, what he thought about my reactions to his faults. Thinking logically about any situation seems to help me immensely.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

paramore said:


> thanks inlove, and I love him the way I always did, but I am angry with him for taking me for granted as well, and pushed me over the brink, and now he's throwing it away like an idiot.


Are you two getting into counseling?


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

his heart isn't in the marriage right now, he thinks it's pretty hopeless, we did two sessions, I discovered yesterday that he started up contact with last EA, which has been going on for a "little while" whatever that means.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> Jellybeans asked me yesterday "What do I love about my husband?" And I am glad she asked me that, for that has stuck with me like glue. "What do I love about my husband?" And I have no answer. How sad is that? That question has been running through my head like wildfire. What do I love about him?


It's a good question to ask. And an important one to answer.

When going through my mess I would ask myself, What did I love about him. And nearly thing I loved about him had nothing to do with our relationship: He's hard-working, ambitious, responsible, isn't a bum, creative, etc. And while those are all great things, 
I realized: none of those things had to do with how he treated me, how he made me feel, how he communicated w/ me (or didn't at all sometimes), etc. 

He sounded so good on paper but in reality he was mean to me, disrespectful, would call me names, yell at me, held me to a different standard, and just a generally very unhappy person who had no problem taking out all of his bad moods on me, which he later admitted. He also later told me he had said things to me and done things that no one, under any circumstance, should ever say/do to their wife, let alone another person.

We didn't even have the same core values.



Runs like Dog said:


> I am a firm believer in not burning those bridges but blowing them up and flushing the debris over the waterfall. Leave him loudly, violently, in public, in his place of work. Call him every filthy name there is, toss your ring at him and flip him the bird. Spit in his face and then as you leave, key his car. And make sure it's in front of people.
> 
> Not much climbing down from that, is there?


Oh I love this post so much, Runs! 

Reminds me of that scene in How Stella got her Groove Back with Angela Bassett lighting the Mercedes on fire  Epic!


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

The one thing my degree in economics taught me was about sunk costs. Sunks costs are those that you have already invested, the are gone and they should never factor into further spending. It is that old adage - don't spend good money to chase bad money. The same goes with emotional ties. If the relationship is done, don't keep going back to the past - those are sunken memories. It is time to move on. Don't spend your life focusing on what was rather look for what could be.


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## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> Jellybeans asked me yesterday "What do I love about my husband?" And I am glad she asked me that, for that has stuck with me like glue.


Chillymorn asked me: "and you still want to be with her" and that stuck with me too! (Sent me off in a good direction as well).

That's the beauty of this forum, people who have been where you are and can see what you can't at the time!


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Apple, the reason you still want him is probably something like you have an unconscious belief that winning him proves you are ok. Afterall, if he doesn't love you, it is a defect in you. It couldn't be him cause he's in control and out of reach so that means he's desirable.

Eh, go back to yer mom and you'll have all the answers you'll need. Good luck in IC.

I love the idea of destroying any chance of reconciliation when you aren't strong enough to just do what's good for you - when you want to hang on even though you should run away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

I agree with you clipclop.. me letting go of my marriage and giving up almost equals failure in my eyes. It means something is wrong with me and he didn't love me enough to make it right.

I'm over thinking like that. I DO deserve better, and so does apple..she will find it  we are both gonna do it girl and we will make it through and come out better than before!


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

You are right. A part of me does feel like a failure. I worked so hard to make this marriage last but all my efforts proved fruitless. I know it's not my fault. I'm not the one who cheated. I'm not the one who broke the vows but yet, what could I have done better? What could I have done differently? What did I do wrong? Where did I fail? Often times, one spouse strays because the other failed to meet one or more of their needs (like how marriage builders talks about the love bank) I don't know where I failed him and failed our marriage.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Wrench said:


> Chillymorn asked me: "and you still want to be with her" and that stuck with me too! (Sent me off in a good direction as well).
> 
> That's the beauty of this forum, people who have been where you are and can see what you can't at the time!


:iagree: The people here have really helped me too in being able to see things I never did before.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

My H told me I denied him sex too much lol.. I told him, "well when i think you've been sticking your tool in every tom **** harry and virginia out there.. yeah that kinda makes me not wanna have sex with you" DUH! And when I did give him lots of sex he still maintained his behavoir nothing changed.

He also told me that it was a turn off for him that I wasn't more "financially responsible" because I wasn't working for a few months here and there. But then I would become financially responsible with my own job and own money he would get p*ssed because I didn't have to beg him for money any more.

He likes to blame lots of things on me.. I dont buy a single one of them.

You did nothing wrong Apple, but he would like to make you think you did. Maybe being clingy or possessive pushed him into it? I don't know. All I know is, You and I both faught hard for men that didn't deserve us, does it really matter if we did something at this point? they've made their choices. I wouldn't dwell on it if I were you.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I was guilty of being very clingy and possessive. I also got very jealous very easily. I even hated it when he would find an actress on TV attractive.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I was never clingy or jealous....but I sure am the green eyed monster now, I allow him to make me that way.....I wish there was a way to end this thing with her, exposure worked the first time, but I have nothing to stand on this time.....nothing I can do, I know in my heart I can't, but it's so hard to wonder.


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

paramore said:


> I love his smile, I love his laugh, I love the way he walks, I love the sound of his voice, I love the way he holds me, I love his eyes, I love his face, I love his hands, I love how he is with our kids, I love his personality, I love his way with people, I love how friendly he is, I love how well we get along, I love his conversation, I love his enthusiasm, I love how he gets excited when something cool happens, I love his extreme tears in his eyes belly laugh, I love the way his eyes crinkle up on the sides, I love how when we are intimate he makes me feel like the only woman in the world, I love everything about that man, except that he now can lie to me so easily and choose another woman over me. Sorry, I am just missing him badly this morning. I love the way he used to love me, and I took it for granted and threw it away like an idiot, *and pushed him over the brink.*


Stop beating yourself up like that. You didn't FORCE him to cheat. It isn't as if you physically made him touch the OW. 
He chose to cheat.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

no I don't think you know my story lol, He had an EA, EA/PA, then an EA, and started up the last EA, and I had an EA/PA at the same time as his EA/PA, that is why I posted that, we did it to each other.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> I was guilty of being very clingy and possessive. I also got very jealous very easily. I even hated it when he would find an actress on TV attractive.


Um, when he cheated from the beginning, it would make anyone who stayed and felt inferior like this.

The only thing you could have done better to change his behavior is to leave him so he'd have to **** over someone else instead of you. Speaking of... he cheated on the other woman with you. Wonder if she knows that or the rest of his wonderful history. Doubt it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> Speaking of... he cheated on the other woman with you. Wonder if she knows that or the rest of his wonderful history. Doubt it.


Well that is the beauty of it... the OW gets to find out for herself now what a POS he is :rofl:


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

You said it paramore. I wasn't the jealous type before, but believe me that NOW...


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Holy snickerdoodles Batmans of TAM, I just stumbled across an ex of mine on a dating website. He's still looking good and he's single....should I say hello?


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

AppleDucklings said:


> Holy snickerdoodles Batmans of TAM, I just stumbled across an ex of mine on a dating website. He's still looking good and he's single....should I say hello?


SURE! Why not?


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I want to but I am so nervous. I haven't felt excited over another man in years!


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Ok, I messaged him. He wrote me back and gave me his number! EEEEEEEEKKKKK! Now, we dated only very briefly, about 2 months, back in 2005 during the time my husband and I were separated. But I did really like this guy alot and now suddenly I stumble across him on a dating site. oh my goodness. He is a great guy, he was very nice to me but I did kinda dump him to go back to my husband. It's been 5 and a half years so I hope he is still not sour about that. I would love another chance with this one.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

do it, just take it slow, build a friendship out of it, and everything else will fall into line.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

paramore said:


> do it, just take it slow, build a friendship out of it, and everything else will fall into line.


I'm working til 4:30 today. I think I will give him a call later today. I would really love another chance with this man. He was so good to me and I was stupid to go back to my cheating husband. This guy is a good man, good job, funny, smart and best of all, he is NOT a cheater. If he is willing to give us another chance, we will be friends first until my divorce is final and see where things go from there.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

I am on the camp that that says do not date until you have resolved the marriage issues or divorce. No good can come from dating someone in the state you are on now. This will turn out to be messy you do not need him as a friend or a backup plan.For now focus on yourself you will be considerably more attractive as a single woman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Apple, I'm with Eli. Figure out your stuff first before involving a third party.

File for a divorce and then date away if you want.

You are way too vulnerable right now to be considering "wanting another chance" with someone. In time, you will get there but telilng a guy "Yeah I'm sort of separated, my H is running off with OW but still lives here and I'm not real sure when he'll be out indefinitely" is not going to look good.

Sort out the messes first and go from there.

When are you filing?????


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I am filing soon as I have a thousand dollars. I have purebred champion bloodline Boxer puppies for sale, $1,000 each if anyone wants a puppy


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Eli-Zor said:


> I am on the camp that that says do not date until you have resolved the marriage issues or divorce. No good can come from dating someone in the state you are on now. This will turn out to be messy you do not need him as a friend or a backup plan.For now focus on yourself you will be considerably more attractive as a single woman.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

Apple, you've had a very difficult marriage. You need time to learn who you are and what makes you a beautiful person. Having a relationship will distract you from that. I fear that you'd look to a man to gain esteem when you should be looking inward. Give yourself time to just be you.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

This was a guy I think I could have had a chance with 5 and a half years ago. I was still legally married but separated when I dated him (and my hub and I had already been living apart almost 2 years before I dated this guy too) I really did like him and I still do. It's been 5 and a half years since I last seen him. I ended going back to my husband because back then I thought it was the right thing to do. I thought that restoring my family was for the best, so me and him went our separate ways. I thought about him everyday for the longest time but I never seeked him out. I never looked for him and I never tried to contact him nor him, me. Now, last night I happened to stumble across him on this dating website. I was not out looking for him. I honestly just stumbled across him. And now, this rush of excitement runs through me. I feel good and I havent felt good for months now. I feel happy and excited. I was afraid he might have still been sour towards me for going back to my husband and I understand if he would be leary about my situation but he did send me his number and said I could call him, so maybe he still has an interest in me? I would love another chance with him to see if something could spark between us. I am still going to deal with my issues from my failed marriage so I do not bring those issues into a new relationship. I'm not going to build a new relationship on "trying to get over the past" No. I really like this guy and want everything to be open and honest. If he still has a genuine interest in me as well, we can go one step at a time.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

He might be darned cautious to find himself in the same position 5yrs later. I'm with eli. You have someone more important to get to know and to nurture : you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> I am filing soon as I have a thousand dollars. I have purebred champion bloodline Boxer puppies for sale, $1,000 each if anyone wants a puppy


You could always go into the dog toothbrush business  LOL

Did your H ever use that toothbrush after the fact?


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> He might be darned cautious to find himself in the same position 5yrs later. I'm with eli. You have someone more important to get to know and to nurture : you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm sure he would be. And I could not blame him for that. I do have his number but have not called him yet.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> You could always go into the dog toothbrush business  LOL
> 
> Did your H ever use that toothbrush after the fact?


Yup


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

LOL. Did you stand by smiling? LOOOOOOOOOL


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

*giggle*


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> LOL. Did you stand by smiling? LOOOOOOOOOL


No, I had to miss the show. I had to leave for work before he did. But the thought delights me


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> I'm working til 4:30 today. I think I will give him a call later today. I would really love another chance with this man. He was so good to me and I was stupid to go back to my cheating husband. This guy is a good man, good job, funny, smart and best of all, he is NOT a cheater. If he is willing to give us another chance, we will be friends first until my divorce is final and see where things go from there.


Hey apple.. Life is short. I personally would not wait for a piece of paper. Your Ex didn't! 

I am all of a sudden in a similar position! 

I am taking it very slow too. Sure is nice though..


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> You let go by relieving yourself of all hope there is a marriage left.
> 
> You cannot let go if you still have *hope* for your marriage. So that hope has to die.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Your H stepped out on your marriage long ago. Time to let go of him and move on. find a man who will love and respect you and your children.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I called him. It was good to talk to him after 5 years. We talked for about half hour and he said he wanted me to keep in touch with him and he would like to take me out to lunch after my divorce was final. Yay!!! I feel happy right now. I have not felt happy in months now. This feels good being happy again.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

and with all this get up and go ..I just collaspsed in a heap for an hour. Something triggered it. Not sure what. The pain is cleansing now. At least I tell myself that.. Go apple.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Apple, be careful. I met another woman while separated from my wife. We clicked instantly, laughed, our kids played together, we hung out for sometimes 5-6 hours at a time just talking at parks and what not. Here's the thing, though. Being separated from my wife automatically forced me to pull away thus assisting in my 180. My wife had no idea about the woman I met, but took notice of my true 180 and asked not to be separated. She also said she's willing to do anything to save our marriage ECT, words I haven't heard since D-day. I agreed not to be separated granted she followed my boundaries. 

Since then, I've hardly spoken to the woman I met. I rarely return calls, I'm not excited to see her like I used to be and don't really have an interest in seeing her. Why?

Because my wife is coming out of her fog, but I'm taking the bait very cautiously. My point is, if your husband were to realize the error in his mistakes, he might want back. The question is, will/should you take him. 

In my situation, I can and do have reasons to give my wife another chance (my love for her topples the friendly fling I had with the other woman.). In your case, though, you should NOT let the left over feelings for husband ruin your new found man. Your husband has hurt you too many times...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Yes, he has hurt me way too many times, way too many. He has lied to me and cheated on me repeatedly over the course of 15 years. I fully believe in reconciliation and I support anyone whole-heartedly who wants to save their marriage but for me, it's over. There would be no way for me to take my husband back. I would never trust him again. I would have to watch his every move, I would wonder every time we were apart where he is, what is he doing. I lived that lifestyle long enough, I do not want it anymore. I want to move on in my life and I'm letting him go for good.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

ing said:


> and with all this get up and go ..I just collaspsed in a heap for an hour. Something triggered it. Not sure what. The pain is cleansing now. At least I tell myself that.. Go apple.


I'm sorry, ing. I myself have spent much time collapsed in a heap on the floor. You are strong, ing and we are all here for you as you are here for us.


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## candice912 (Sep 4, 2010)

11. After about 18 months with this other woman, they broke up. He moved in with a male friend. We were still legally married even though we had been apart a year and a half. I met a guy myself. He was single,no kids, a good career (he was a cop) and he was giving me something I hadnt had in a very long time..attention. I really liked him. We started to casual date. We dated for about 2 months

The above was taken from your story, "The past 15 years". That was the nice man I was refering to. I meant that you and your children deserve to be treated like that, given attention and deserve a little respect. 

Did you move to fast with your husband? I don't think so. As you said, you grew, he didn't. I know people who only dated two weeks and are happily married 25 years later and others who dated for years, married and then divorced. There is no guarantee that someone will do the right thing in marriage. You just sometimes have to take a chance on love. You did and he failed you and the kids. I'm sorry for that, but you will get past this and have a chance at a healthy happy life again once this is over. Trust me on that. I'm remarried and with the right person this time. Sure, we have our difficult moments, but we both put in efforts and respect one another.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

candice912 said:


> 11. After about 18 months with this other woman, they broke up. He moved in with a male friend. We were still legally married even though we had been apart a year and a half. I met a guy myself. He was single,no kids, a good career (he was a cop) and he was giving me something I hadnt had in a very long time..attention. I really liked him. We started to casual date. We dated for about 2 months
> 
> The above was taken from your story, "The past 15 years". That was the nice man I was refering to. I meant that you and your children deserve to be treated like that, given attention and deserve a little respect.
> 
> Did you move to fast with your husband? I don't think so. As you said, you grew, he didn't. I know people who only dated two weeks and are happily married 25 years later and others who dated for years, married and then divorced. There is no guarantee that someone will do the right thing in marriage. You just sometimes have to take a chance on love. You did and he failed you and the kids. I'm sorry for that, but you will get past this and have a chance at a healthy happy life again once this is over. Trust me on that. I'm remarried and with the right person this time. Sure, we have our difficult moments, but we both put in efforts and respect one another.


Thanks for your input, Candice. The funny thing is, that nice guy from above, I happened to cross paths with him a few days ago. I found him on another website. I was not looking for him. It is pure coincidence that we were both on the same website. I sent him a hello and he said hello back and gave me his phone number. This is a great guy who is thoughtful and caring. I really do hope for another chance with him. I did call him, told him about the situation with my husband. He said once my divorce was final, he would like to take me out. I really don't like to read too much into things, but I feel a connection with this one.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

He stopped by to get the kids. I did not allow him inside. I gave my 6 year old hugs and kisses and sent her outside. I closed the door on him. He got mad at me and yelled at me. He told me to "hold on a damn minute" that he wanted to see the older kids. I told him that they did not want to see him. And that was the truth, they told me they did not want to see him. They've been calling him an idiot. He did end up making them all go with him but not before he pulled me to the side and told me that he did not appreciate my attitude and that next time I "want to throw a fit" not to do it in front of the kids. Yeah, all that coming from the man who is having an open affair. Perhaps he should take a good hard look at himself before he tries to tell me about attitudes.
UPDATING: Since I wrote the above, my 13 year old son came home with tears in his eyes. He said that he had dad take him home. I asked him why. He said he did not want to be around his dad. Why can't my husband see what he is doing to his kids? Because he thinks our 13 year old son is just dealing with a teenage attitude, that's all. My stbx will not look at himself and realize that he is the reason for their pain! I gave my son a hug and told him I loved him.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> UPDATING: Since I wrote the above, my 13 year old son came home with tears in his eyes. He said that he had dad take him home. I asked him why. He said he did not want to be around his dad. *Why can't my husband see what he is doing to his kids? *



He does see it. 

Or at least, he's starting to see what the consequence of his actions have done. What happened w/ your son is the perfect exammple.

I am sorry to hear yoru kids are dealing with this. Just be the best mother you can be for them and guide them through this. They will look to you for guidance and to lead the way. Be strong for them.

And happy mother's day


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I had to call the cops on my sbtx to have him removed from the property. He wants to hang out here with the kids because he "has nowhere else to go" I have told him that is not my problem. Well, he came by to get the kids, he left for about an hour and then came back. He went to the backyard and started playing basketball. I went out back and told him he had to leave, he was no longer welcome here. He tried telling me that even though he may have moved out, he was still making the rent payment which entitled him to be here. I told him once again he needed to leave or else I would have the police escort him from the property. He then became all arrogant and told me "good luck with that, they won't make me leave" So, I called the cops and he was removed from the property. He has moved out of this house. He took his possessions and he left. He no longer has any rights to this house. Now, it's time to get the locks changed.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> I had to call the cops on my sbtx to have him removed from the property. He wants to hang out here with the kids because he "has nowhere else to go" I have told him that is not my problem. Well, he came by to get the kids, he left for about an hour and then came back. He went to the backyard and started playing basketball. I went out back and told him he had to leave, he was no longer welcome here. He tried telling me that even though he may have moved out, he was still making the rent payment which entitled him to be here. I told him once again he needed to leave or else I would have the police escort him from the property. He then became all arrogant and told me "good luck with that, they won't make me leave" So, I called the cops and he was removed from the property. He has moved out of this house. He took his possessions and he left. He no longer has any rights to this house. Now, it's time to get the locks changed.


Indeed, change the locks ASAP.

He is a piece of work. He has a moral and legal duty to continue paying the rent because his children live there. His STBX status does not change the fact that he is equally responsible for the total wellbeing of his children whether or not they live with him.

I truly hope that this encounter with the police will kick some reason into his f**d up head.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

My stbx keeps getting worse and worse. I found out tonight that he took out a title loan on my car and has not been making payments on it. I'm now at risk of losing my car. The trouble is, the title of the car is in his name, if the title place takes my car, there is nothing I can do. F**k!


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

That ****ing *******


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## candice912 (Sep 4, 2010)

Your children have voiced not wanting to see him. Protect them from him the best you can. Perhaps a restraining order. As for the car, if he put a tittle loan, that's not good for the short term. Do you have an attorney? You need child support and alimony. Also, you can probably get back child support since he didn't contribute before. Good for you, for having him thrown off the property. Keep a copy of the police report. You will need it for your defense later. Even if he pays the rent, if he isn't paying child support, he has no right to see the kids. Tell him to pay off the car loan and put the car in your name and you will consider letting him see the kids. Note, I said consider, not promise. You could have it supervised as well. Best of luck to you!


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

morituri said:


> Indeed, change the locks ASAP.


This is tough.

Change Locks. 
Go through every card in your wallet and check. [I missed a couple of them]
Change Utilities to your name.
Cell Phone to your name or cancel it.. Affairs are expensive! [just got a $1000 bill]

The car is not yours. It is just debt on wheels. 
Find a New car.
Put the Police Number in the phone and tell kids how to use it.

This is all HORRIBLE apple. The faster you remove yourself the better! 

Stay strong.. Somehow I think you will. To put up with what you have you must be!


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I have already changed everything over to my name. Gas n electric, cable and internet and my phone are now all in my name. I did change the locks last night as well. The car I am driving now is paid for. I need that car, I cannot afford payments on another.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

did you get the title loan figured out?


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Nope, still have not. He's been asking me for money and I keep telling him no. I am not giving him money. He says he needs gas money to be able to make it in town to see the kids (he moved one hour south of us) I told him that I would not keep the kids from him but that I was not giving him any money and that he would need to figure that one out himself. He got all pissy with me but oh well. I could give a flying rat's ass less about his situation right now. I know he is supposed to be in town tomorrow early for a work meeting with his boss (so, why does he need money from me if he has the gas to meet with his boss?) He may try to come to my house. I guess he will be in for a surprise when he finds the locks changed  I have also informed my neighbor that if she sees him around trying to get in windows or anything, to call the police on him.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Of course you shouldn't give him money, he is such a piece of work lol.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> I have already changed everything over to my name. Gas n electric, cable and internet and my phone are now all in my name. I did change the locks last night as well. The car I am driving now is paid for. I need that car, I cannot afford payments on another.


It was just a reminder to check again apple

Your strength inspires me!


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Thanks Ing, but I am not feeling too strong today. For whatever crazy, insane reason, I woke up missing him today. Perhaps it's simply because DDay was only just a month ago, so all this is still fresh, perhaps it's because I am really starting to become lonely, who knows what reason is behind my missing him today. I do know that I do NOT want to miss him. I hate him for what he has done to our family. I hate him for feeling no remorse at all over what he did. I hate even being around him or having to talk to him, and I hate that I find myself missing him today because I want nothing to do with him.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Wow. The sense of entitlement he has is nuts. DO NOT give him $ or gas $. He made his bed... 

Waffling through the emotions is normal, Apple. Just focus on WHY you are at this point: because he can't be faithful and is carrying on with OW right in front of your face. Also, he left.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

yuppers girl, I woke up not having that overwhelming feeling of missing him, now will I do that tomorrow? Who knows, I hope not. We have to remember that our H's don't feel real true remorse, that they are speaking with these women regardless of how it makes us feel, and that sense of entitlement they are feeling, the justification and whatnot aren't our problems. We can't save them, they have to save themselves. I can't save my husband from his inappropriate destructive behavior, neither can you. We miss the true people they are inside, at least I do, the people that are inside of them right now aren't the people we love. The fact that they care so little about our feelings right now is going to turn around and bite them in the ass. I have had so many people tell me that he is going to regret this, and Apple, they will. We are both beautiful, strong women who any guy would love to have by their side, if our H's are truly willing to lose that, then they will have to have that haunt them forever.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Dont worry Beans, I have refused to give him any money. He did make it to town today. He stopped by my work because I had something he needed for our daughter today. This was his first time seeing me at my job. He commented that I looked very professional sitting behind a desk. I handed him what he needed and told him to have our daughter home by 8pm tonight. I made no remarks to his comment to me. My relationship with him at this point is strictly business, no small talk will be made.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

wheeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!! Seems as you and I have grown our "balls" Apple lol. Let's let them swing looooooow, giggle.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ LOL Para


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I do struggle when he is around because I do admittedly still have feelings for him. This is why I try to avoid him. 10 days ago, I fell to weakness and I slept with him. I don't want to do that again. I wish this other guy I like would pay some attention to me. I feel maybe if he would give me some attention, then maybe I would not feel like I miss my H so much but he is keeping his distance until I am divorced.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

paramore said:


> wheeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!! Seems as you and I have grown our "balls" Apple lol. Let's let them swing looooooow, giggle
> 
> So this means that Paramore has a "para balls"


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hahahaha! You guys are cracking me up!

Apple, you are vulnerable right now so any attention sounds good but I will caution you NOT TO GO THERE. You are in no state of mind for any sort of dating/relationship. Deal with the end of this first and then move on.

Your H---you're handling him like a pro. Keep it up.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

ok, now that has got to be a new TAM term, Paraballs LOL!!!!! I am vulnerable too apple, and I know I can't go there, I would do nothing but hurt myself, and the other person.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

You are still fighting for your marriage though, Para. My marriage is over, there is no more fighting for it. I want to move on and yes, I really want this guy to like me as much as I like him. I keep wishing for him to call me, or text me, or just say hello already! But he wants to keep his distance til my divorce is final and I do understand that. It's just that I want some attention, I guess. *sighs* And I don't want to call him myself either because I do not want him to think I am being to "pushy".


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I don't know what will happen with mine, I am just taking it day by day, I know I would love some attention as well, it hurts, but it will come in time, we need to be happy within ourselves.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> You are still fighting for your marriage though, Para. My marriage is over, there is no more fighting for it. I want to move on and yes, I really want this guy to like me as much as I like him. I keep wishing for him to call me, or text me, or just say hello already! But he wants to keep his distance til my divorce is final and I do understand that. It's just that I want some attention, I guess. *sighs* And I don't want to call him myself either because I do not want him to think I am being to "pushy".


What are you up to on Friday Apple?

It may be a little tricky since I live in Australia 

I know... I could pretend I was having an affair! Take business class to the USA and rent a Helicopter to your house. Of course this is totally normal behavior and almost certainly my wifes fault.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

ing said:


> What are you up to on Friday Apple?
> 
> It may be a little tricky since I live in Australia
> 
> I know... I could pretend I was having an affair! Take business class to the USA and rent a Helicopter to your house. Of course this is totally normal behavior and almost certainly my wifes fault.


ha ha ha friday sounds great ing  I look forward to a ride in the chopper  My husband already thinks I am seeing someone anyways (I'm not) but it's funny that he thinks I am


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

*Letting Go. One reality.*

This morning unbearable sadness consumes me. There is no consolation. There is no anger. There are no pictures in my head. There is no hope of redemption. There are no strategies.

The Loss of my one great love in my life. Twenty Five years is a long time.

My children's loss and seeing their sadness denied by their Mother.

Loss.

The tears roll. I make no attempt to stop them. 
Running down my face. 
Dripping off my chin. Quietly, that stream of sadness staining my clothes. 
With acceptance comes unbearable sadness. 
With forgiveness there is sadness. 

Today the sadness can consumes me. It is normal. Sometimes I want to feel it. Sometimes, it is healthy. 

It is Letting Go.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

My stbxh is staying in town, at his mother's house for the next 2 days due to a death in his family. I spoke with him today and asked him to go with me tomorrow down to the court house and see if we could file for the divorce together through the circuit clerks office. I'm thinking that since we are both in agreeance with everything, then maybe we could get by with just the court filing fees and we could avoid having to pay for a lawyer. He did not disagree about going down but I did sense hesitance in his voice....


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Updating: yesterday, the stbx and I went together to the court house to see if we could file for a divorce on our own since we have an uncontested divorce. The court gave us a link where we could fill out a do it yourself divorce forms. I filled out the forms and printed it off, and tomorrow I will be taking it back down to the court house to see if I can file. Our divorce will take place in the state of Illinois. And in Illinois, as long as both parties agree to everything, there is no waiting period. I could possibly be divorced as soon as next week. (if all goes well) I am wondering if anyone here has done a "do it yourself" divorce without lawyers? Was it worth just getting rid of cheating spouse or do you think it's best to wait and use a lawyer?


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

As long as the two of you are agreeable on the terms laid out, I'd say take the do it yourself route.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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