# Crap! Now she wants to try to work it out! Help!



## rebootingnow (May 3, 2011)

HELP!!!!

Haven't posted in a while. I have a few posts on what went down, but don't have the patience to link in here (sorry).

*The short recap*

we've been seperated while living together for months. I've been doing the 180 more for myself and I'm feeling great and we're actually getting along OK. Not able to move out, but its a work in progress.

*The Latest*

Last night was our 10 year annaversary. Our girls know since it's on a shared calender and they wanted to make do something special. We always say to them they wouldn't be around if we didn't have to celebrate this date. I had reflected and decide to do something special, and it was pretty over the top. I called the STBEW and confirmed if it was cool by her and we had a great time. I did buy a set of diamond earrings and wrote in the card that after 10 years no matter what she deserved them and thanked her and said no matter what, I looked forward to the next 10 year and whatever came our way.

And, today I sent another email just to confirm that I didn't expect anything. I just felt that 10 years is a milestone for anyone and she deserved it. 

*The Shocker*

WELL.... I get back an email thanking me and how much the thought and consideration meant to her and basically that she's thought about our family, marriage, etc. and she'd like to try again. She even said she'd go to a IC and a new MC (we fired the last one) and haven't found a new one. 

I'm in shock. I didn't expect this and on many levels I've been priming myself for the AFTER, that I don't know how I feel about trying again. The thought hasn't occured to me in so long. I know in the beginning I was willing to work through her affairs, etc. and work on us, myself, her, etc. Blah Blah. But she said it wasn't savagable, etc. so why bother. But I embraced it and decided to shelf all these feeling and support the divorce, etc. But dang. Now I don't know what to do. I'm really nervous. She wants to talk about this tonight when the kids go to bed. I feel like I want to run away, I'm so nervous. 

I know this is a ramble, but I'm out of my head. 

Part of me wants to work it out. But I've had a chance to really look at me and I what I want out of a relationship, and I'm not sure she's the person I would want a relationship with now given all this. 

I know I don't want to move to fast. I have to hold to my guns and play it cool. But any advice to help evaluate this and see if this is something worth conisdering would be really helpful.

Here's some things bouncing around in my head.

1) What about the affiars? This never got resolved. 
2) She has issues and needs to work these out. 
3) I'm not interest in being plan b. She's got to work for this.
4) What would she need to do for me to forgive and be able to trust again?

Crap!!!


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## upset/confused (Jul 26, 2011)

I would just listen to what she has to say. Not really comment on anything, but just listen. Dont make plans or promises because your emotions will be in control and not your head. Those questions you pose should be asked in MC. I think MC would help you both find answers/solutions or a path to follow.

Protect your heart and good luck.


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## jason29927 (Aug 1, 2011)

I'm no expert, but I will advise you to not make any decisions fast. That's where I screwed up.

You've been together 10 years and have children. It's worth a lot of time to explore whether or not you're right about your fears. Find a good counselor for yourself and a MC for the both of you. Take your time and do it right.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Let her know there will be alot of heavy lifting on her part, and she needs to look at the new boundries you have. 

My point is, I would hate to see you guys get to a point were "If I knew you want me to do that I wouldn't have came back" kind of thing. 

I think your expectations should be brought to the table so theres no suprises. The big one for her might be the loose of privacy that will be required of her for you to trust her.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Aw sh*t! I'm in the same boat. I am alone in a hotel now because her family is visiting from out of state. She asked me if I would leave so she could spend time with them. But at the same time, she wants to try to reconcile. We agreed to try and up until a week ago we were doing great. For a week now she has been acting distant. Last night she told me that she was looking forward to our Retrouvaille weekend. Now I am alone at a hotel about an hour away. Well at least I get some me time, golf and fishing.

But I am confused! Just like u rebootingnow, I don't have the feeling I did a few months back where I wanted to stay and work things out. Now I require that she also fix the issues I had with her but I don't think she will agree to it. Lately she has just been avoiding me. I am so confused because I had almost gotten to the point of bei g relieved that I was going to move on on my own. WOW this sucks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rebootingnow (May 3, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rebootingnow (May 3, 2011)

Thank you for all the feedback!

Yes, I'm drunk! 

We had a brief talk after dinner. 

She roles through how threw this whole thing I took the high road and was positive and an upstanding guy. She talked about how we were apart because I was basically a loser for not making $1mil a yr like when she met me blah blah.... Now that im on ritilan and working on my adhd with great results she impressed. Not one moment did she talk about love or what she did. I'm kinda thinking wtf? So, the way I feel now is f/u. But, I listened (thank confused) and said I didnt have an answer, but felt she should get IC to make sure she's really sure given every thing. 

At this point don't know what to think.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## upset/confused (Jul 26, 2011)

Good for you...It is hard to just listen....now tomorrow take your time and decide what is good for you...think, think, and think about and then make a decision....I am not good at waiting, especially when drinking to numb the pain.

Good for you for just listening....proud of you, now you must take time and let it sink in.


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## rebootingnow (May 3, 2011)

upset/confused said:


> Good for you for just listening....proud of you, now you must take time and let it sink in.


Well, still drunk. Lots of Maker's Mark tonight. 

I know its sitll early, but my first take is WTF? She talked about a lot of crap I did. Blah Blah Blah. But phuck, man. I have ADHD. Dr. Apporoved. Not once did she say she's sorry for the indescretions, etc. on her part. It was basically, you (I) was a **** and now you (I) am better so yeah, you're OK and I'm willing to stick around. 

<deleted because it was stupid.>


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

rebootingnow said:


> Well, still drunk. Lots of Maker's Mark tonight.
> 
> I know its sitll early, but my first take is WTF? She talked about a lot of crap I did. Blah Blah Blah. But phuck, man. I have ADHD. Dr. Apporoved. Not once did she say she's sorry for the indescretions, etc. on her part. It was basically, you (I) was a **** and now you (I) am better so yeah, you're OK and I'm willing to stick around.
> 
> ...


Why David Hasselhoff? LOL Proud of you. Even hammered you listened. Do you talk to someone? Tell them what's going on. Insist she comes with you and make sure your side of it is heard. With a 3rd party present tell her what she needs to do for you to consider it. I don't think she gets it. She thinks it's all her choice. Guess what babyn it isn't nor wasn't all you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

well. I guess she said it all. You've done so much to please her, you've finally earned her approval again. 

it's like when my ex explained how I'm the woman and it's my place to hang my head and ask to come back. because I'm the fat ***** that left.

lol. 

she still hasn't seen the light, or the real situation. some never do. bag that noise.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

*No deal.*

Without getting nasty simply convey to her *calmly, quietly and respectfully* that you have been very hurt by her actions i.e. affairs and that without true remorse from her part for her actions, you simply can't conceive of any possibility of marital reconciliation.

You may want to print Lordmayhem's chart below and the difference between remorse and guilt so that she can see what is needed for you to even contemplate marital reconciliation












> *Remorse vs Guilt*
> 
> 
> Real remorse means seeing the pain you caused someone, and reaching out to make it better. Feeling bad for the person in pain.
> ...


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## sprinter (Jul 25, 2011)

I disagree. There are underlying issues here. She has crow to eat, no doubt. You have issues with here and there's no doubt she has issues with you. I think you two need to go to counseling. That is where you can begin to get things out. She can hear your concerns and what you have dealt with from her too. My advice is that you two try. Yes, slowly and methodically but if you walk away you want to know you've done everything. My only caveat would be the affair. If you feel you can't get past that, then you have to let this go. But it sounds like even after the affair, you missed her. She may not see the damage that did but at least in counseling she can hear it from you.


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