# so confused and lonley right now



## Savannah1979 (Aug 8, 2014)

Im 34 Ive been with my husband off and on now for almost 11 years, we just got married for the second time in June. He suffers from biopolar. So about every three months we split up normally for about a month or so. Then he always comes crying and begging me back cause he cant live with out me. Now mind you everytime we break up he sees other girls and so a few times Ive honstley tried to start a new life and have gone out on dates. And at one point we were broke up for about 2 months and stuff was getting pretty serious with this other guy until my husband now called and needed to see me he said he had just got out of the hospital and needed to talk so against my better judgement I meet him he told me he had cancer . He was all upset crying the whole nine yards at first i was sceptial but he convinced me. So since at that time we had spent 7 years of or lives together I told the man i was seeing i coulnt let him go threw this alone so I went back. Come to find out a couple months down the road he had been lying. Cause he knew that was the only way I was going to go back with him. So as upset as I was about him lying we stayed together. Still doing the off and on thing I never know from day to day if were going to be together or if he changes his mind threw out the day.For 5 years now Ive suffered from anxiety and depression do to all the instability, witch he dose not understand witch is why we got married this time. We separated in April for a couple of weeks. And I was fine but as soon as he came back I started having really bad panic attacks. So he suggested we get married again so that away i know he wont leave again. And since i was looking for anything to make me feel better i did it. Two days after we got married everything went back to the way it was before i was no longer important to him again he was always gone running around with his friend who needed him cause he was having marriage problems. And exactlay a month from the day we got married i told him to leave he was always accussing me or being decetiful and unfaithful, going threw my phone facebook journals whatever he could get his hands on. Mind you now at this point do to my panic attacks and now agorophobia. My boss has made me take some time off work so as hes accussing me of all this I cant even leave the house with out having a panic attack. He was gone about a week then called and was so sorry so stuiped me believed him so we got back together. I do believe in marriage so I figured I should try. Now with all my emotional issues going on i have no sex drive at all so of course I must be messing with someone else. I heard about this for a week i am his wife that is my job ect ect. So two nights ago he went and stayed at his house cause he was mad cause i dont want to have sex with him cause im a wreck right now. He called yesterday and said he cant do this anymore while i was on my way to councling when i got home he was here. He said he didnt mean to say that its the bipolar. Whatever so I just told him i cant do this roller coaster no more so he called me some choice words then went back to his house. He called me later and I just told him I need time to see if this is what I want cause this is pure hell. The last 11 years ive devoted my life to him and my children so i have noone to talk to cause if i were to talk to a friend while were together he would get mad. So now I have noone at all. Please any advice will help.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Savannah1979 said:


> He suffers from bipolar.


Savannah, welcome to the TAM forum. I suggest that you obtain a second opinion about your H's behavior from a clinical psychologist who is experienced in diagnosing personality disorders. *One reason* I suggest this is that about a third of bipolar-1 sufferers also have full-blown BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). That is, it is common for a person having one disorder to also have the other as well. See Table 3 at 2008 Study in JCP.

*A second reason* I suggest this is that BPD is often mistakenly diagnosed as being bipolar -- a result found in a number of studies. A 2008 study at Brown Univ. Medical School, for example, concludes that "_one quarter of the patients over-diagnosed with bipolar disorder met DSM-IV criteria for borderline personality disorder." _That study concludes:"We hypothesize that in patients with mood instability, physicians are inclined to diagnose a potentially medication-responsive disorder such as bipolar disorder rather than a disorder such as borderline personality disorder that is less medication-responsive.” See BPDers Over Diagnosed with Bipolar.​*A third reason* I suggest obtaining a second opinion is that many of the behaviors you describe -- e.g., the temper tantrums, fear of abandonment, lack of impulse control, verbal abuse, and irrational jealousy -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD.

I therefore suggest you read about BPD warning signs to see if most sound very familiar. If they do, I would suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. 

An easy place to start reading about BPD red flags is my description of the differences I've seen between the behaviors typical of bipolar sufferers (e.g., my foster son) and those typical of BPDers (e.g., my exW) at 12 Bipolar/BPD Differences. I also describe the BPD warning signs in greater detail at my post in Maybe's Thread. If that description rings some bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Savannah.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Is your husband actually under medical care now or has he stopped therapy/medical help?


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## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

You have to understand this is not about your husband. This is all about you. I'm glad you are in counseling because you have to try to figure out why you keep hopping on this roller coaster that you know is a one-way trip to hell, why you keep believing him and wanting to believe him so badly, and why you need a man to love you so badly. You are not emotionally healthy and now you're depressed because of what you keep putting yourself through.

It's easy to focus on all the things that he does and says, but you need to focus on yourself and understand the things you do and say. You should not get back with him, and you should not enter into any other relationships for at least a year while you are in counseling trying to get yourself together. Determine who you are or decide who you want to be, and then strive to be that person. Your counselor can help.


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