# My Story, Please help me with courage and support



## Wantstounderstand (Mar 16, 2013)

Hi Everyone,

I have been lurking for a long time and finally got the courage to post. When I read some of the stories here I even feel bad posting mine as some of you have endured so much, I would appreciate everyone's input and help, I'm looking more for courage and support than anything else as I find everyone here very caring and understanding of what this is like.

I will try to keep my story as brief as possible. I have been dating a man now for almost a year, during this time we made plans to eventually get married and have a family together, things were going in that direction or so I thought. He is divorced and has many issues due to the fact that his ex wife cheated on him through out their entire marriage (15 year marriage) he suffered a lot of trauma and abused due to all this and I was always very understanding and tried to help him as much as I could. Our relationship never had any issues, we got a long extremely well, never had a fight, nothing. 

Two months into our relationship he suddenly cut all contact with me and disapeared, ignored my calls, my emails, I had no idea what had happened, later found out he was seeing someone else, he came back, came cleaned about it, apologized and I took him back, long story short, this has happened now four times, this latest time with his ex wife, every time I would do the exposure etc etc etc (as I have been lurking here since the first time it happened). 

Right now he cut again all contact and I know he is seeing his ex wife, I already exposed. I'm looking more for support than anything else, I know it's over but it hurts and it's very painful, I did everything for him, this latest time I was living with him, helping him financially a great deal, helping him with his kids ( he has four children) that I love as my own and out of the blue he asked me to leave his house, this the week I had spend hundreds of dollars helping him and when I was sick, he literally asked me to leave with the excuse we were going to fast and he needed time to adjust, he didn't even drive me home, I had to take a cab to the bus station with fever and throwing up, he totally detached from me like if I meant nothing and nothing had happened between us. I feel lost and would like to be able to make sense of all this, I feel I'm all over the place. I ask all of you to help me, I don't have family or friends that can help me go through this and I'm very alone. I also would like to hear the man's here input as a man please help me to understand all this. Thank you very much everyone.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

He's an user. Sorry friend, it's the only thing anyone can conclude.
And likely the "huge trauma of being cheated on" is a huge pile of bull.
He uses your money, your trust, your love.. cheated on you four times in one year, always with the same modus operandi of leaving you dry... only to come back... when he needs something.
He's a sociopath, sure a charming one but a sociopath none the less.

Please, get away, count your blessings, go dark on him, block him, get healthy (maybe you should adress why you let ourself being used like this so many times), you deserve way better, believe it. 

I'm sorry this happend to you. 
Help yourself.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Sorry that happened. It probably doesn't feel like it atm but eventually you'll realize you're better off. I'm sure most of what that guy told you was lies to get what he wanted. But stick around the forum there are plenty of individuals who have been betrayed too.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

If you are not married, then your only option left is easy, especially after a 2nd chance.

Don't look back, move on and forward. Detach, ignore him COMPLETELY, do not argue, or let him justify himself, or tell him how much he hurt you.

Forget it, don't think about it, just like you don't think twice about taking the trash out, take it out, drop it and move on. 

Easier said than done but I know you can do it.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Jasel said:


> Sorry that happened. It probably doesn't feel like it atm but eventually you'll realize you're better off. I'm sure most of what that guy told you was lies to get what he wanted. But stick around the forum there are plenty of individuals who have been betrayed too.


:iagree:

He's just taking advantage of the fact that he is now single and you are easily available and you take him back on request.


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## Wantstounderstand (Mar 16, 2013)

Thank you everyone, I so appreciate your help and support. You are all very right and yes I now question everything that has ever happened between us, I know that during the time I was staying at his house the affair with his ex wife was going on, the week he asked me to leave and that I was that sick, he freaked out thinking maybe I was pregnant (which I don't think I am, I did a test the other day came negative) and he still asked me to leave and referred to this possible pregnancy in the most hurtful way you can imagine, the only time he contacted me after that was to asked me if I already had got my period, that was it, haven't heard from him again.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Well it sounds as if he has been away and out of touch for a while, so keep it that way. Its best if you detach and not prematurely break your recovery process.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

He sounds like a jerk. You can find someone better definetely.


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## Wantstounderstand (Mar 16, 2013)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> Well it sounds as if he has been away and out of touch for a while, so keep it that way. Its best if you detach and not prematurely break your recovery process.



He has, two weeks now, I have not tried to contact him and plan not to.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Stay away from him. He's toxic. Concentrate on yourself and the life you want to lead without him.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Wantstounderstand said:


> He has, two weeks now, I have not tried to contact him and plan not to.


You're doing great, keep looking towards tomorrow. Strengthen your weaknesses and do not relapse. If you feel a relapse, call for back up, occupy yourself, etc.


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## Wantstounderstand (Mar 16, 2013)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> You're doing great, keep looking towards tomorrow. Strengthen your weaknesses and do not relapse. If you feel a relapse, call for back up, occupy yourself, etc.



Thank you, it has been really hard, at the same time unfortunately after this happened the first time I kinda started developing ticker skin, I know eventually he will contact me, if nothing else to really make sure I'm not pregnant, I hope I'm strong enough to not fell for any story he may tell me.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Wantstounderstand said:


> Thank you, it has been really hard, at the same time unfortunately after this happened the first time I kinda started developing ticker skin, I know eventually he will contact me, if nothing else to really make sure I'm not pregnant, I hope I'm strong enough to not fell for any story he may tell me.



If you're not pregnant, there is no point in clearing his conscious (talking to him to let him know "the coast is clear").

If he were the least bit knowledgeable, he'd know that you'd contact him if you WERE pregnant. Let us see if he sweats and, if he does, I promise he won't drown in his sweat.

Analyze a man's character by his actions and demeanor.


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## Wantstounderstand (Mar 16, 2013)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> If you're not pregnant, there is no point in clearing his conscious (talking to him to let him know "the coast is clear").
> 
> If he were the least bit knowledgeable, he'd know that you'd contact him if you WERE pregnant. Let us see if he sweats and, if he does, I promise he won't drown in his sweat.
> 
> Analyze a man's character by his actions and demeanor.



You are so right and he is. The last time he contacted me I hadn't taken the test yet and it was all he wanted to know, the only questions he made me was related to a possible pregnancy and trying to get me tested and how if I was it would ruin everything for him, he talked about this possible child as if it would be nothing but a it, totally detached. I think it was when my eyes really opened to his true character, he is a good father to his four boys, the fact he could talk about a child with me in such way made me feel extremely humiliated and used, like if I meant nothing, I honestly considered that if I was pregnant I would never tell him ( I don't think I would have courage to do it) but the thought crossed my mind.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Wantstounderstand said:


> I ask all of you to help me, I don't have family or friends that can help me go through this and I'm very alone.


Do you not have any family or friends whatsoever or is something stopping you from reaching out?

At the very least,you should be breathing a big sigh of relief.Look back over the previous year logically.Is that what you would really want for yourself? As CleanJerkSnatch said work on strengthening your weaknesses.Know who you are and what you really want in a relationship and don't accept anything less going forward.

There are good men out there and hopefully you will be a little more discerning because of what has happened.Take care.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Maybe he was the cheater in his family. I suppose you only have his word for it. It is really what cheaters do.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

In reality, he cheated on his wife. So sorry for you. Find someone better for you.


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## Wantstounderstand (Mar 16, 2013)

TBT said:


> Do you not have any family or friends whatsoever or is something stopping you from reaching out?
> 
> At the very least,you should be breathing a big sigh of relief.Look back over the previous year logically.Is that what you would really want for yourself? As CleanJerkSnatch said work on strengthening your weaknesses.Know who you are and what you really want in a relationship and don't accept anything less going forward.
> 
> There are good men out there and hopefully you will be a little more discerning because of what has happened.Take care.



My family unfortunately lives many states away and he made sure in the last year to destroy all my friendships one way or the other, now when I look back I see it was probably his way of making sure that I wouldn't tell people what was going on.

Thank you for your support, it means a lot, as the most difficult part of this has been go through it all alone.


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## Wantstounderstand (Mar 16, 2013)

chapparal said:


> Maybe he was the cheater in his family. I suppose you only have his word for it. It is really what cheaters do.


His ex wife always accused him of having cheated as well, he always denied and because she is very unstable I never believed her, now I have no doubts he also cheated on her.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Wantstounderstand said:


> Thank you for your support, it means a lot, as the most difficult part of this has been go through it all alone.


You're welcome.Keep coming back and talking it out here.Also,now that you've gotten your feet wet and no longer lurking,join in on some threads in this and other sub-forums.I'm sure that you have some incite to offer.Sometimes,in trying to help others we also help ourselves.


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## Wantstounderstand (Mar 16, 2013)

TBT said:


> You're welcome.Keep coming back and talking it out here.Also,now that you've gotten your feet wet and no longer lurking,join in on some threads in this and other sub-forums.I'm sure that you have some incite to offer.Sometimes,in trying to help others we also help ourselves.



I definitely will, I honestly can say just posting here and getting the advice you all so generously giving me is making me feel so much better, for the first time in weeks I'm feeling actually better and more at peace. If I can do for others what you guys are doing for me, I will only be grateful for the opportunity to give back.


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

Dear WtoU,

This may seem disturbing to say, but honestly as a third party I belive that you are so so very LUCKY that you found this out before marriage, before children, before spending decades together. Realize that it is a gift to have found out now. God, the universe, whatever you believe - someone is watching over you.

The pain is almost unendurable. The key is almost. You can and you will come out of this. The scars will be lessons. Pain is a necessary part of the experience. If we were always happy, we might as well be robots or anti-human. As it stands, pain tends to teach us something - so long as we can endure it. Stay on TAM. There's so much support here. You WILL get through all the stages of anger, depression, resentment, etc. and eventually you WILL find acceptance. Time is on your side if you can be strong and remember to not be manipulated time and again.

I wish you the very best. There is a reason you found out everything now - early in the game. Try to find solace in that fact and for sure aim for the 180. 

Sincerely,
TU


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Wantstounderstand, the next time he calls and asks if you are pregnant, tell 'em you'll call him in 9 months and let him know, hang up and don't take anymore calls from him. I don't even know you, but I can say with certainty, YOU CAN DO BETTER. Please just give your self some time, with out contact from him. Go to friends, family, church, ANYWHERE else, but him, for support. Listen to what the people that are closest to you are saying.

It will take something drastic for him to stop cheating and even then, I think it's doubtful that he's going to hang around for long. I'm sorry that you are going through this.


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## Wantstounderstand (Mar 16, 2013)

Thank you so much guys, the support of the good people on TAM really helps me and gives me courage to keep moving on. You are right, I know as bad as things are if we were already married and with children all this would be much worse, at the end of the day it's really a blessing I found out now.

Its hard to look back and think what we lived it was all a lie ( now I know it was) I gave so much of myself to this relationship and realize that for him it never meant anything is incredibly painful, I will re build myself mentally and emotionally and move forward, unfortunately also need to re build myself financially as this past year helping him I spent thousands and thousands of dollars to the point I'm almost broke. It's also very painful the loss of contact with his four boys, I was a mother to them for this past 12 months and opened my heart and my life to them as if they were my own, it's a tough day today, I'm taking a deep breath and just go again over your posts on my thread to get the strength I need.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Wantstounderstand said:


> ..*.he totally detached from me like if I meant nothing*...


*^^^BINGO!!!^^^*

Return the favor...for your own good

.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Wantstounderstand said:


> His ex wife always accused him of having cheated as well, he always denied and because she is very unstable I never believed her, now I have no doubts he also cheated on her.


I highly doubt she is unstable. That is another piece of crap he has fed you....and everyone else who falls for his fake charm. HE is the unstable one. I am married to someone exactly like him for 22 years. And NO, your user is NOT a good father. He abandons his kids. And if you think the money you gave him went to the kids you need to think again. My husband left me homeless, yes, that's right, homeless while I was out of the country receiving medical care. He came to visit me one day and said he wanted a divorce, then went back to the airport. he gave no explaination. I found out later he had moved a woman into our home and was bragging about his one night stands. He went dark on me and our grown son. He is a true narcissistic sociopath. And I would almost place bets that your now ex-boyfriend also has some nasty little addictions, like maybe porn or gambling or maybe even drugs. They are good at hiding stuff like that. Thank your lucky stars you have no ties to that man. He is like a cancer. Cut him out, radiate him.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Wantstounderstand,

Consider yourself lucky, you are strong and can recover quickly and move on after this betrayal. Some have 10 years invested, married with children, 401k, alimony, house to split, mortgages to pay, etc.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> My family unfortunately lives many states away and he made sure in the last year to destroy all my friendships one way or the other, now when I look back I see it was probably his way of making sure that I wouldn't tell people what was going on.


Isolatingthe victim is a clasic abuser's necessary tactic.


> I know eventually he will contact me, if nothing else to really make sure I'm not pregnant, I hope I'm strong enough to not fell for any story he may tell me.


Visit this site (Link below).
*Hoovering- Don't Get Sucked Back In*
Hoovering 
Definition: 
Hoovers & Hoovering - A Hoover is a metaphor, taken from the popular brand of vacuum cleaners, to describe how an abuse victim, trying to assert their own rights by leaving or limiting contact in a dysfunctional relationship gets "sucked back in" when the perpetrator temporarily exhibits improved or desirable behavior. 
Description: 
The Hoovering metaphor comes from the popular Hoover brand of vacuum cleaners. Hoovering describes how a non-personality-disordered person, while attempting to escape an abusive situation, gets sucked back into the status quo. 
Hoovering commonly occurs: 
After an emotional outburst, violence or other extreme period of abuse when the victim is most likely to leave, retaliate or seek help from others. 
When the victim starts to pull away from the relationship, leave the relationship or establish firmer boundaries within the relationship. 
When the abuser internally feels unworthy and fears the loss of the relationship. 
A hoovering abuser may shower their victim with gifts, compliments, promises, demonstrations of love and affection in order to persuade the victim to maintain the status quo. 
Hoovering is one of the key components of an Abusive Cycle. Without Hoovering, most abusers would be living alone. Hoovering is the "plus side" to many abusers that makes an abusive relationship seem worthwhile to many victims and sustains abusive relationships over the long term. 
Hoovering requires two willing parties to be effective: the person doing the hoovering and the person being hoovered, who allows themselves to be abused and then sucked back in. 
What it feels like: 
Hoovering feels good! And that's the point! When you are being hoovered, your buttons are all getting pushed, your feelings are getting validated, your needs are being met, your wildest dreams are coming true, your opinions matter, you are the most important person in the world to that certain person. 
Hoovering often feels like vindication. You might find yourself thinking “Finally! The message is getting through! I’m not crazy after all! Now THAT is what I’m talking about!” But watch out... 
When you are starving for any emotional food, just about any kind of personal validation tastes wonderful, but you must remember that not everything that tastes delicious is nutritious. 
Manipulative abusers are often adept at giving their victims enough of what they want to keep them where they want them. Even slave owners know that they have to feed them enough to keep them healthy and productive. 
But how do I know if a hoover is 'real"? 
Many Non-personality disordered people struggle with trying to tell whether a hoover really is a hoover, or if it is a sincere attempt at change by the personality-disordered person whom they care about. 
The mistake in that logic is that it assumes that it can't be both. Many abusers and personality-disordered people really are sincere and really are trying when they also are hoovering. People who are hoovering you may not be consciously trying to manipulate you or deceive you. They may sincerely be trying, even hoping, to make it "better this time". They may not be consciously lying when they make promises of change and put them into practice. They may be so convincing because they are so convinced. 
You are going to have to be like the adult in a parent-child relationship, who listens to their child's black-and-white promises of great expectations or of "I'll never talk to him/her again" and says "Hmm, we'll wait and see". 
If you're not sure if you're being hoovered you should wait and see. Take the long-term view. A person's character is like an average of their behaviors over their lifetime. People can and do make positive changes in their lives sometimes, deciding to change their behavior for the better. Wait a year and see. 
Coping with Hoovering: 
If somebody who has been treating you abusively starts to treat you well, there's no harm in letting them knock themselves out and give yourself a break, but you must be careful not to take the bait to erode your boundaries, settle for less than you deserve, stop doing things that are healthy for you or stop exercising your own independence. 
What NOT to do: 
Don't change any of your boundaries or allow them to be broken during a hoover. 
Don't relax or give up on any consequences of previous poor decisions for the abuser. 
Don't stop any healthy activities or relationships you may be engaged in elsewhere. 
Don't assume the hoover will last forever. 
Don't use a hoover to bargain for a better life. You are setting up the abuser to break a promise and setting yourself up for a disappointment. 
What TO do: 
Remember that mood swings are a normal part of a number of personality disorders and that what goes up must come down. 
Accept that highs and lows are a part of everyone's emotional life and that, for a personality-disordered person, those may be more intense and lead swings in behavior. 
Maintain all your healthy lifestyle habits and relationships with others. 
Take the long-term view. Wait a year. 
Get yourself off the roller coaster. Position yourself so that your safety and happiness isn't dependent on a personality-disordered person's mood. 



Source: Out of the FOG - Hoovers and Hoovering
---------------- ----------------------
*What is Hoovering? *
Think of a big old vacumn cleaner gliding along the carpet making a LOT of noise coming your way with promises that it will clean up the mess and make everything "right". 
Hoovering is when the abuser wants to "suck" you back in to the abuser's "game". This means that the abuser needs some more of what we call "narcissistic source" or attention. This can be negative or positive attention. 
An abuser will use many different kinds of hoovering attempts. 
Some examples of hoovering include: 
1. Health issues. The abuser will need you to help them out because they are having health issues. 
2. Promises of change. They say they will go to therapy. They will do "anything" to make you happy. False, empty promises they are, but the abuser can seem to be convincing and serious about it. 
3. Fianacial issues. The abuser contacts you and says that he will lose everything if you don't give him money. It is always a crisis. 
4. The abuser will show up at club meetings, school activities, events, etc where you attend and will begin to give you meaningful looks or try to speak with you. 
5. Calls, Texts, E mails. You will boot up your computere one day to find you are once again being "love bombed" by e mail. Or by texts on your phone. This is why you have to block them from being able to contact you in any way. 
6. By triangulation. Sometimes the abusers will use family members or friends who will call you or just run into you and who will give you a message from the abuser. 
ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT ABUSERS DON'T CHANGE. JUST BECAUSE THEY SAY THEY HAVE CHANGED, ONLY CONSISTENT LONG-TERM POSITIVE BEHAVIOR CAN PROVE IT. 
A few nice words don't really mean anything except they were spoken.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Wantstounderstand said:


> Hi Everyone,
> 
> I have been lurking for a long time and finally got the courage to post. When I read some of the stories here I even feel bad posting mine as some of you have endured so much, I would appreciate everyone's input and help, I'm looking more for courage and support than anything else as I find everyone here very caring and understanding of what this is like.
> 
> ...


Maybe that is why his wife cheated on him. It seems like he is a very insensitive Pr1ck.. 

Yes my wife did me wrong, but I am smart enough to understand and learn that every other women that comes into my life does not deserve to be punished because of her.

4x in one year, thank god you found this out now. Image years later, compound your feeling 10 fold. 

What you need to understand and learn is that you show a lot of compassion for someone. For you to accept and handle this 4x in 12 months shows a lot of care and understanding. 

What you need to do is now find someone who will cherish these types of feeling and emotions. Someone deserving of these type of emotions. It is obvious that he is not that person.

Took me a bit to honestly figure out I was a good catch. But now that I see it, fvck the women who thinks they can take advantage of me. Women now will have to *SHOW ME* what they bring to the table now before I decide who the right one will be.

You need to find someone who will say thank god I found and have this women.


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## Wantstounderstand (Mar 16, 2013)

I want to thank everyone for all your posts and help, you guys have no idea how much you are and have already helped me, you are all very right and I see him in your posts and what he has done to me. I haven't been here this past week as I had a very hard time, I want to give all of you an update.

He called me to tell me the affair with his ex wife was over, that she is crazy, has issues and that he was just trying to give his family another chance and this was not really an affair because they were married before (they have been divorced 6 years). Told me how he loves me, I'm the only woman for him and this was all a mistake, that she sucked him in etc etc ( his ex wife is back with the man she was dating). He also invited me to spend Easter with him, his boys and his family, along the way mentioned how he has no money to do Easter and afford what the boys need, that the boys miss me and since I left ( he made me leave as you all probably remember) everything is a chaos. I didn't say much as I was in shock and just told him to please not call me anymore. I don't think he understands what he did to me or how much he hurt me, thanks to all of you I didn't let myself be dragged into this once again but I'm hurting and grieving, more than anything for realizing that all this time I lived a lie and I really never meant anything, I'm honestly at loss, can't even think straight and feel nothing but numb, not sure how to pick myself from this. Thank you for listening and being here for me.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Wantstounderstand said:


> I don't think he understands what he did to me or how much he hurt me


Many people with personality disorder can't and this man have tons of traits. He possible can't experience emotional empathy. Many others can, only the don't care. I thinks it's the case. Run away from this vampire.


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## Wantstounderstand (Mar 16, 2013)

Acabado said:


> Many people with personality disorder can't and this man have tons of traits. He possible can't experience emotional empathy. Many others can, only the don't care. I thinks it's the case. Run away from this vampire.



Thank you Acabado, I believe you are right. The way he talked to me and his actions so far with such detachment shows me there were never any attachment to begin with, he talked to me like if he had just met me, no emotions, nothing, like nothing had ever happened between us. I'm going to, no matter how much I'm hurting and devastated like some of you have said I'm lucky I found out this now, somehow I will move forward.


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## Wantstounderstand (Mar 16, 2013)

I just found out that my now ex boyfriend (after the conversation he had with me just a few days ago) is seeing another woman ( a married woman). Is no longer relevant to me on a personnel level as I'm done with him but my question is should I go ahead and expose to her husband????? I feel I should because I wish someone had told me and if I was him I would want to know, I guess I just would like to know what you guys think!


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Wantstounderstand said:


> I just found out that my now ex boyfriend (after the conversation he had with me just a few days ago) is seeing another woman ( a married woman). Is no longer relevant to me on a personnel level as I'm done with him but my question is should I go ahead and expose to her husband????? I feel I should because I wish someone had told me and if I was him I would want to know, I guess I just would like to know what you guys think!


If you have proof(solid proof, not just rumors), you may want to. If it were me, I would tell her Husband. If you were in her Husbands shoes, wouldn't you want to know?...


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Well this is all actually good for a change

You've been given the proverbial TAM 'hold her by the shoulders and shake some sense into her medicine' 

There's the door marked 'much better life' in big letters. NOW
- just walk through it!

You have no kids, no real baggage with this disturbed and hurtful person who will if you let him get worse and worse

I've lived with someone like this - and they kill you - slowly.
It's like pretty green ivy round your neck - it gets tighter and tighter until there's no air to breath - as you're dazzled by the prettiness !

and you die inside 

______

About the boyfriend - it's admiral what you're saying but maybe this once just pick yourself up and focus on yourself, you also don't need the complications that that will bring you 

Move on - you deserve better from someone who will really love you properly.

They are out there


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## Wantstounderstand (Mar 16, 2013)

I'm having a very hard time and thought I would post and seek help from the good people on TAM. I'm going through a tough time, hard to explain, I feel depressed, confused, humiliated, used, in disbelief, I'm going through a roller coaster of feelings I can't even described, I honestly feel I'm all over the place, my mind doesnt stop trying to understand how could he do this. He literally walked away from me like if he never even met me. I don't know, I'm feeling a total mess.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey wantstounderstand----you may not like this 2x4, but it needs to be said

Why are you not pi**ed off, as pi**ed off as anyone can be---I am sorry but Your present emotions, they are that of a 13 yr old that only has half of a formed brain

You have been with this guy for 12 months---he has left you 4 times, he has taken probably 95% of your money, and you are not so mad, that you would like to blow him up

This last call was just him taking a shot at manipulating a woman, (you) that he knows will fall for anything he says, and wants---AND YOU ALLOW IT TO HAPPEN AGAIN AND AGAIN----why the h*ll did you even talk to him

You need a good spanking, you are a grown woman, and you have let this man destroy you---AND YOU KNEW WAY BACK IN THE BEGINNING WHAT HE WAS

I don't know where you live, maybe its a small population center, and there aren't many eligible men around---but if you are anywhere near a decent sized population center----THERE ARE LOTS OF GOOD MEN OUT THERE

You need to make sure if he ever tries to contact you again----you ignore him totally and completely, as in DELETE HIM FROM YOUR LIFE

I am sorry that you have to start over, and rebuild your life/finances/confidence----but please---understand there are men who are sh*theads out there, and there are good men out there, and you need to take your time, and know what kind of a man you are hooking up with, before you give everything away to him---that being your soul/heart/finances---This present sh*thead you hopefully are now totally done with, is a conartist of the highest order----LET THIS BE A BIG LESSON TO YOU!!!!!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Yes expose to the OWH. It's the morally right thing to do.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I have to tell you that I think you are a very strong woman. Almost always we hear about some person behaving horribly but the betrayed simply doesn't have the fortitude to not go back when the betrayer comes around again.

You told him 'no.' You said 'no' even though you were so hurt and shocked. That took tremendous strength. Tremendous. I don't know you personally, but I'm so proud of you.

I know you're having a hard time, but this too shall pass. You've been through the worst of it. Your ex is a sociopath and has done you terribly wrong. When you think about it, just tell yourself to 'forward focus.' Focus on what you have to do in the next week, the next day, the next hour, the next minute. Train your mind off of your hurt.

You took the most difficult step. You did great.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It could be that he is confused. That his ex-wife is playing him, trying to stop him having relationships.

That's too bad for him.

And it is not your problem. It is his problem.

Find someone who does not carry his ex-wife round on their shoulders, OK?:smthumbup:


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

I am sorry but I gotta disagree-----Wantstounderstand, should have done this A F'ing YEAR AGO

She knew what this guy was---he had 4 kids, was in and out with women, including an EX, and obviously had no dinero

This guy was a badboy manipulator, and the first time he hit on her for money, she should have had her antennae up right then and there

So what happened, ONE YEAR LATER, when this guy has stripped her of a lifetime of working to save up, and have money to live---SHE F"ING GAVE ALL OF IT TO HIM----Obviously he got her to take care of the 4 kids, while he was out having A's with women all over town----He still has the nerve to try one more time, to leech money from her----she should have had a one line answer for him------"Stay the F away from me, and never call me again"-----instead what does she do, she talks to him

I am sorry, but sad to say, she is responsible for her own demise---SHE KNEW WHAT THIS GUY WAS, and yet she let him destroy her---sad to say, but its way to little, and way to late.

Now all she can do is start from scratch, she is broke, and I am sure will have no trust for men, no matter what type they are. Sadly, one hears these tales all the time, there is no winner, only those having to start all over from the beginning.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

jnj express said:


> I am sorry but I gotta disagree-----Wantstounderstand, should have done this A F'ing YEAR AGO
> 
> She knew what this guy was---he had 4 kids, was in and out with women, including an EX, and obviously had no dinero
> 
> ...


Life is harsh and the truth is harsher


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## beautiful_day (Mar 28, 2013)

I think the thing to do now is to reach out to the people around you and tell your story. I know you feel isolated, but that can change. You will be so surprised at how many people, those you see every day, who have been manipulated like this. It's hard because you have to swallow your pride and admit you've been had. 

You say he ruined your previous friendships -- maybe now is the time to go cap in hand and say sorry to those people and explain what happened. You might find they've been grieving the loss of your friendship. 

New friendships are there for the taking everywhere you look. You just have to ask. You just need to tell people (real life people as well as here) that you are in trouble and that you are hurting. 

I just started doing this, after being quite a stereotypical uptight Brit for so long, but really finding myself in trouble, I began talking to a few people yesterday. I was so surprised that each person said either they'd been through something similar or a member of their family had. I was offered one new genuine hand of friendship from someone I hadn't even considered. She just happened to come into the library. That's just one day. 

My natural inclination is to curl up in a ball -- of the fight, flight, freeze reactions to anxiety, I'm a classic 'freezer'. But I'm really trying to reach out and ask for help, and to take advice -- very hard for me. 

Honestly, all this betrayal does make you feel very alone. But you and I need friends and the most unlikely people can be a real help.


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## Wantstounderstand (Mar 16, 2013)

Thank you so much everyone for your help, support, advice and even the harsh words, you are all helping me and I really appreciate it. I can definitely say your posts hit home with me and are not only giving me the tools to move ahead but the reality check I needed. Thank you.


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## goshjosh (Mar 23, 2013)

Please see his behavior as red flags of things to come.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

If you have the strength to move ahead and reject him if/when he approaches you, you will be able to look at your mistakes with him as something in your past that you don't have to repeat. Your weakness and bad judgment can be lessons for you for your future - water under the bridge, so to speak. He used you badly and you let him, but you don't have to let this behavior continue.

So, stay strong and focus on the the day in front of you. One day at a time & try to make it as positive as possible.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey wantstounderstand---I hope you are in a large population center----There are good guys out there---they may not be the "bad-boy" type, that all the women unfortunately fall for---they may be the "nice" guys---that women don't really want---they may not be the best looking, or well built, they may not have the great lines---I E---they are not your PUA, hot lovers, typical POS,------instead they are reliable, classy, and they will love you and take care of you-----

Make sure you take plenty of time the next time you settle into a relationship----AND DO NOT GIVE THE GUY, anything, in the way of your property, or even yourself,---till you really know for sure---WHAT HE IS ALL ABOUT


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## Wantstounderstand (Mar 16, 2013)

jnj express said:


> Hey wantstounderstand---I hope you are in a large population center----There are good guys out there---they may not be the "bad-boy" type, that all the women unfortunately fall for---they may be the "nice" guys---that women don't really want---they may not be the best looking, or well built, they may not have the great lines---I E---they are not your PUA, hot lovers, typical POS,------instead they are reliable, classy, and they will love you and take care of you-----
> 
> Make sure you take plenty of time the next time you settle into a relationship----AND DO NOT GIVE THE GUY, anything, in the way of your property, or even yourself,---till you really know for sure---WHAT HE IS ALL ABOUT



Hi Jnj, yes I do live near a big center, actually one of the major cities in the US. See the thing is I was never for that type of guys and this guy doesn't look like that either, he works two jobs, a third one on weekends (although he is deeply in debt supposedly because of his ex wife) and has been raising four kids alone, this is of course a facade and now I know it but from the outside he comes off as a hard working guy who his raising his kids alone, it was exactly what attracted me to him in the first place. I wont make the same mistake again and for the future will definite handle things very different. Thank you for your 2x4, it was harsh but I needed it to wake me up from my own fog. You guys here rock!


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