# Do cheating spouses ever appologize?



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

So your spouse cheated on you, either you or the spouse filed for divorce. Did you at some point even get a simple "I am sorry" from your wayward spouse whether before or after the divorce? Do some of them never appologize?

Just want to hear your experiences since I am currently going through a divorce filed by my cheating husband who is not even admitting his affair.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

notreadytoquit said:


> So your spouse cheated on you, either you or the spouse filed for divorce. Did you at some point even get a simple "I am sorry" from your wayward spouse whether before or after the divorce? Do some of them never appologize?
> 
> Just want to hear your experiences since I am currently going through a divorce filed by my cheating husband who is not even admitting his affair.


Mileage varies.

There can be a pretty big difference between a wayward spouse apologizing for the circumstances, versus your spouse taking responsibility for having cheated. 

The cheating gets minimized. Almost Always.

Depending upon where you are at - that may be just fine.


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

This is something I have wondered. My H was/is having a AF and still is minimizing it and part of me thinks he will never apologize because he feels it is my fault.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

My exH left our million dollar business, our 4000sqft. home, our two kids and me to be with a wistress who had four kids from four different men..."but what THEY had was real." I tried for about 2 years to save the marriage and he would not stop. He lost everything, was living in an extended stay hotel, told me "he wouldn't pay me a dime of child support until a judge ordered him to" (and he didn't). When he left I had two kids, no job, no way to support us, and he had not paid the mortgage or bills for like two months because he was using the money for the wistress...yet amazingly I got a job, got the mortgage payments applied to the end of the loan, got the bills caught up...and since he had to pay child support he "couldn't make it' and continuously screamed at me how heartless I was. Sound familiar, finallyseewhy? The big difference was that my exH was diagnosed bipolar and borderline personality disorder...and refused to take his meds or go to any counseling for it (because he blamed it all on me). Thus, my exH was abusive to me--mentally, verbally, physically. 

And after years for being separated and after meeting my current Dear Hubby and being ecstatically married...my exH FINALLY--I mean *YEARS LATER* finally apologized. And nope it wasn't a "Hey sorry about all that" it was a bit more sincere and detailed than that, as if he had taken a little time for self-reflection. Of course, by then I felt pretty numb hearing it. I would have given my LEFT ARM to hear that during all the affair mess...but hearing it all those years later I didn't feel anything other than maybe "yeah right, good."


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

Affaircare I had to sort of giggle because when I was reading it all I could think was you were talking about my life then when you said my name it made me smile because it is so sad but very real. 

This may be a little off topic but today I was talking about this to someone and I mentioned I was upset of what H was doing because I feel as if he is slipping away from my heart with everything he is doing lately and I wish he would stop acting the way he was. I am worried that it may be years later BUT Affaircare how you have moved on to be happy gives me hope


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

What does it really matter if they apologize or not...By the time you or we do get an apology it wont matter... Sure, it will make our ego feel somewhat better..... But in the end it wont matter one bit.. Move on with your life to something or someone much better suited for you and dont give a second thought about your ex... We werent on their minds while they cheated, so dont worry or expect an apology...... Live your life to the fullest and dont look back.......
:smthumbup:


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Don't hold your breath, notreadytoquit. My story also reads just like Affaircare's--but we need to throw in the swinging couples part. And my real life drama has been going on for almost four years now. My estranged husband see's nothing wrong with what he has done. Therefore, he sees no reason to apologize. In fact, he blames everything on me.

I've asked a lot of people, including my therapist, this question. Almost everyone says the same thing. "If you are to get that apology, it will be years away". Don't sit around waiting for an apology--move on with your life.


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

Seems like this varies with each situation..my wife apologized right away but it didn't feel sincere. She didn't blame me for anything, but I shouldered alot of the blame. I had been working things out for myself for the last year prior to finding out and she just didn't believe I would change. A few months, maybe two at most, she woke up and saw me for who I am now and she gave me that apology alot of us need to hear or feel is real and from the heart. She is trying her best to be an open book to me now, and hold me or talk to me when things aren't going my way or I'm having problems dealing with things. We still have a long road ahead, but that heartfelt apology was the first step, and it was a big one. 
I know many of us need to have that to begin the closure process, to get past the 'why me?' and the feelings about why your spouse doesn't care for you anymore..some people will say it's not important to hear, but it makes it easier when you can be recognized as being wronged by the one who did the wronging
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BuddyL33 (Jul 16, 2009)

notreadytoquit said:


> So your spouse cheated on you, either you or the spouse filed for divorce. Did you at some point even get a simple "I am sorry" from your wayward spouse whether before or after the divorce? Do some of them never appologize?
> 
> Just want to hear your experiences since I am currently going through a divorce filed by my cheating husband who is not even admitting his affair.


During my first marriage that lasted 5 years, I cheated on my wife with around 40 women. It wasn't until the very end that I admitted this to her. After we divorced I had to do a lot of soul searching. I realized the person I had become was not who I was or who I wanted to be. I was raised to be honest and possess integrity.

During the time that I was cheating on my wife I somehow repressed any feelings of guilt for my actions. However once she was gone that guilt came rushing back. I knew in my mind that I would never become that person again. I also knew that I owed my ex-wife a huge apology. So I wrote up a long letter and sent it to her. In it I apologized for the things I had done to contribute to the demise of our marriage. I also apologized for the numerous affairs I had partaken in and how wrong it was of me to choose that action. 

In the end I wished her the best with her new husband and family. She never wrote back and we haven't heard so much as a peep out of her since she moved out in July of 2006. But writing that letter was as much for me as it was her. I wanted her to be able to have complete closure to the issue, as well as I needed to close the door on the issue as well.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

BuddyL33, I presume you had no kids with your first wife so both of you had no contact at all?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BuddyL33 (Jul 16, 2009)

notreadytoquit said:


> BuddyL33, I presume you had no kids with your first wife so both of you had no contact at all?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That would be correct.

I am now re-married and have a 14mo old son.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

it makes things so much easier when there are no kids involved.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

And yet people--both loyal and disloyal alike--use "having children" as a crutch for continuing unneeded contact, continuing the blame and deflect game, and continuing to stay entangled in each other's lives! 

Co-parenting does not mean that you tell your spouse (or ex) how to parent--when you're married or when you're divorced. Thus, you don't really NEED to know what happened, who was there, what they did, what they said, or any of that. All you would need to know is how to teach your children the emotional tools they need to deal with what they are going to face in their life. See...you can't control it or stop it or force it...so you don't really need that contact.


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

Affaircare your right and I need to realize myself that. I have been acting as if I should have control over what H does when he is with the kids even where he choose to live if he wanted to move out of the extended stay hotel. I need to realize I need to stop having control over everything.


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## Tryinhard (Mar 5, 2010)

He will not apologize because he will justify all his actions. Been there. YOu will be blamed. Don't accept it. It's not going to change the outcome of who he is. 

Do you REALLY want him back after the pain he's caused you now?


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