# Strange mix of emotions as I sign the divorce agreement



## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

So, I signed the divorce settlement today. It will be going to the courthouse tomorrow to request a hearing date. I should be divorced in about 5 months. 

I have wanted this agreement signed and the divorce request filed for MONTHS and yet, I cried all the way to work today. I am happy with my life right now for the most part. But I still cried and to be truthful I'm crying right now.

I think it's hitting me that the life I envisioned all those years ago is coming to an end. I'm sad about the breakup of my family, not even so much for me, but for my kids. My daughter had a traumatic time last night with her dog who almost choked to death and I realized that she couldn't just come to both of her parents at the same time anymore and that makes me feel like I failed her and her sisters. I know I'm not to blame for it but I just feel bad. 

On the other hand I'm SO excited to get this done and get my real name back. I want to not feel like I'm doing something wrong when I go out on a date. I know a lot of people date before the divorce is final and we are not a couple anymore but sometimes it bothers me. I can't help it. If anyone should be allowed to date before the divorce is final, I think it should be me. LOL

I mourned my sham of a marriage a long time ago so why do I feel so ****ty today? I know why but I still hate it.

ETA: And now I'm feeling guilty for crying as if I'm betraying my new guy. Ugh.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

You posted this afternoon, and I just saw it 4+ hours later. I hope you are feeling better by now. If I could give you a hug, I would.

I agree, if anyone deserved to date before the papers were final, that would be you because of the circumstances.

Is there a special guy that you previously felt guilty of dating, or are you casually dating? No more guilt!!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

It's ok. Your emotions need to play out and it is a healthy response to a hurtful situation that impacted a good portion of your life.

I feel the same way you do for your situation.

I'm glad it's ending but I'm so sorry for the pain it has taken up in your life 💔.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

It is tragic when one loses their dream--even more so when you could do nothing to retrieve it. So unfair. This is such a normal reaction and grieving a loss like this makes one feel both vulnerable and free at the same time. This kind of grief may rear its ugly head from time to time. Blessings on your future.... ((Hugs))


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

When you told me about your situation in my thread earlier, I felt so bad for you. It's no wonder you've been crying. And you're betraying new guy. You're just mourning your hopes and grieving the loss of what should have been, and that's understandable. Hugs to you. Your kids will be okay. You're not the one who betrayed them.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

((( HUGS )))

And, you got this.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Endings are sad. 

It's going to be ok. And if new guy is a good guy....he will understand that.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Sadness but when one door closes, another one opens.... Use some time to reflect one the great moments that will come your way. 

Peace to you.


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## 20yr (Apr 19, 2019)

I think its normal. You knew it was coming and you wanted it but that still can't prepare you for the official end of your marriage. I bet that very soon you will simply feel relief that it is done.


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## Zing (Nov 15, 2012)

Because knowing the finish line is approaching, is still different from officially crossing it...

Think of yourself as entering as a new phase, treat life as a new sport...

You've always come across as an excellent human... so much so that I believe anyone who doesn't have you with them, is on the losing side! 

It's chilly here, and if you were here, I'd make you a hot cuppa to help you feel a little better!


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## Zing (Nov 15, 2012)

Oops I guess I got really excited about making you that drink, I ended up making two!


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Thank you everyone for your support. It's funny how just words from people you've never met can help so much. I ended up going over to new guy's house and we spent the evening talking about things. He, too, said I have nothing to feel guilty for, he understands my feelings. So at least I don't have to feel guilty about him. And as he's about 2 years ahead of me in his breakup, he was very helpful in talking about how normal it is to feel excited and sad at the same time and feel like you failed your kids.

I think it didn't help that at one point during the signing I looked over and saw my STBX trying not to cry. It's such a screwed up dynamic and sometimes it just messes with my head. I know he still loves me and will probably always love me and how warped is that?

But, I'm feeling much better today. Onward and upward!!!! :smile2:


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Adelais said:


> You posted this afternoon, and I just saw it 4+ hours later. I hope you are feeling better by now. If I could give you a hug, I would.
> 
> I agree, if anyone deserved to date before the papers were final, that would be you because of the circumstances.
> 
> Is there a special guy that you previously felt guilty of dating, or are you casually dating? No more guilt!!


I have been seeing someone for almost 6 months. I don't want to say it's serious as that seems too soon but I think it's too serious to call casual. How's that for confusing? He's a great guy, we have SO much in common and just enough not in common to keep things interesting. I think he definitely wants it to be more serious eventually and I'm working on deciding if that's what I want too. My heart definitely wants that, I can't lie. But my head doesn't want to make another big mistake.

On the one hand, I can think of a few issues we may have if we stay together. They are not insurmountable by any means and I know he would work with me on them, he's already made a few changes to that end. But I also worry that he's the first guy I've dated since leaving my husband and people tell me it's not good to "settle" for the first guy you meet. But, I'd hate to lose out on a guy that I really think could be a great match for me just because he happened to be the first one I met. 

Arrrgghh!! It's so confusing.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

When the divorce process is drawing to a close, I think there’s frequently sadness and regret at the thought of the good parts of the life that’s gone. I should have divorced long before I did, and absolutely knew it, but my divorce hearing was still difficult. Once the hearing was over, and I was officially divorced, I felt better. I stopped looking back at what was and began focusing on what is — a new life.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

It is sad, and everything you are going through is completely normal. 

This happens to most. It is the final, final, end to the marriage. 

When the judge signs it you will probably feel something as well.

I know it sounds stupid, but it is what it is...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Also, I think there’s usually a conflict between heart and head in a new relationship after a marriage ends. You tend to be more cautious than you were before and that’s not a bad thing. Time helps resolve these things.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Ugh. Been there. Remember that day.

Sit with your feelings. Let yourself process them. Don't try to assign blame or judgement to them, just let them wash over you. Just let yourself process your emotions, give yourself some time, lots of rest (it's exhausting) and accept support from those that care about you.

It's a big transition in your life, of course you have mixed emotions. It's ok.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

notmyjamie said:


> I have been seeing someone for almost 6 months. I don't want to say it's serious as that seems too soon but I think it's too serious to call casual. How's that for confusing? He's a great guy, we have SO much in common and just enough not in common to keep things interesting. I think he definitely wants it to be more serious eventually and I'm working on deciding if that's what I want too. My heart definitely wants that, I can't lie. But my head doesn't want to make another big mistake.
> 
> On the one hand, I can think of a few issues we may have if we stay together. They are not insurmountable by any means and I know he would work with me on them, he's already made a few changes to that end. But I also worry that he's the first guy I've dated since leaving my husband and people tell me it's not good to "settle" for the first guy you meet. But, I'd hate to lose out on a guy that I really think could be a great match for me just because he happened to be the first one I met.
> 
> Arrrgghh!! It's so confusing.


No, it is not confusing. You seem to have met a very nice and compatible guy right off the bat. Who knows why? Just take your time, and don't get in a hurry to commit to him if he pushes, until the rest of those issues are dealt with to your satisfaction.

Just curious, if you want to share, what are the issues you are having with him?


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## attheend02 (Jan 8, 2019)

Good Luck notmyjamie.

My year separation anniversary is Monday, which means I can officially file for divorce.

I'm wondering if I will have the same type of reaction.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Adelais said:


> No, it is not confusing. You seem to have met a very nice and compatible guy right off the bat. Who knows why? Just take your time, and don't get in a hurry to commit to him if he pushes, until the rest of those issues are dealt with to your satisfaction.
> 
> Just curious, if you want to share, what are the issues you are having with him?


We handle money VERY differently. But his is his and mine is mine so right now, not really an issue. But if we were to get serious, live together etc, that might come into play. But I get the feeling he'd defer to my style as he has said he wants me to teach him a better way to be about his money. He is just too generous and often leaves himself short while taking care of everyone else. He is still involved in his ex's family, ie. holidays, etc. He's a super homebody and I do like to go out sometimes but he actually brought up wanting to plan some good nights out so that seems to be better without me having to say a thing about it. 

He would never push for me to get more serious than I am ready for so that's not a concern. He talks about the future with hope but also as something that is far off from now so I don't feel pressured at all. I love spending time with him and we've discussed my reservations about things so he is aware. He reassured me that he will not ever expect me to spend a holiday with his ex in laws and that he is only going this year so he can see his kids, which is understandable. He doesn't feel my kids could handle him spending the holiday with us so he is choosing to go see them as his ex wife is okay with him being invited. I guess it's a sign that he's a good guy if his in laws don't want to have to give him up, right?

So nothing we couldn't work through I'm sure. He probably has some stuff about me that he'd want to change up a bit too. That's what blending your life is about, right? As long as you're not asking someone to completely change who they are to fit into your life it's good. 





attheend02 said:


> Good Luck notmyjamie.
> 
> My year separation anniversary is Monday, which means I can officially file for divorce.
> 
> I'm wondering if I will have the same type of reaction.


Thanks. I hope things go as well for you. I dropped off the final two things they needed today (marriage certificate and parenting class certificate) so as of right now, it's officially filed. Just waiting to find out the court date. 

If you have the same mishmash of emotions, feel free to PM me. We can chat for sure about it. Good luck to you!!!


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Yeah, but keep you head on straight...

This year it is cool, that you don't force each other on the kids. 

But you don't want someone that is a "Nice Guy" with his ex. That never, ever works. 

Why don't the kids come down to see him, that would make more sense next year I think. 

Just don't get into anything where "Oh the kids just want us to be together on such and such day... Ah, no thank you. 

I would not spent more than 10 minutes in a room with my ex, there is a reason we are divorced...


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

BluesPower said:


> Yeah, but keep you head on straight...
> 
> This year it is cool, that you don't force each other on the kids.
> 
> ...


It’s funny...he’s cordial to his ex but friendly to her family. I think he’s just trying to be nice to his sister in law who has done a lot for him over the years. But, she thinks he’s going to continue and just start bringing me along. Um nope. But we talked again and he realizes that’s taking it too far so he was never planning on that happening. He will have the kids over for Christmas Eve. 

I think we’re coming up on the 6 month milestone and that’s freaking me out a bit. I didn’t envision meeting someone so soon.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Why did your ex get divorced? How long has he been divorced?

It sounds like his ex has a nice family. A lot of people wish they could keep contact with their ex's family because the marital problems had nothing to do with their families.

However the continued contact can make it awkward for future companions.

Most likely, as you and he make new friends together, and as he meets your family, his contact with his ex's family will lessen.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It seems it is the dratted timing that causes most of the pain.

Life always seems to overlap. The pain and the pleasure often arrive at the same time.

You cannot escape the pain, however, the pleasure can die away if you do not rewind that noisy cuckoo clock.

God gave us two hands; one, to let go of the past, one to grab hold of the future.




THRD- sent through a friend.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

notmyjamie said:


> I have been seeing someone for almost 6 months. I don't want to say it's serious as that seems too soon but I think it's too serious to call casual. How's that for confusing? He's a great guy, we have SO much in common and just enough not in common to keep things interesting. I think he definitely wants it to be more serious eventually and I'm working on deciding if that's what I want too. My heart definitely wants that, I can't lie. But my head doesn't want to make another big mistake.
> 
> On the one hand, I can think of a few issues we may have if we stay together. They are not insurmountable by any means and I know he would work with me on them, he's already made a few changes to that end. But I also worry that he's the first guy I've dated since leaving my husband and people tell me it's not good to "settle" for the first guy you meet. But, I'd hate to lose out on a guy that I really think could be a great match for me just because he happened to be the first one I met.
> 
> Arrrgghh!! It's so confusing.


 @notmyjamie,

Your thread caught my attention, and I want to chime in and join the peanut gallery in saying that it makes complete sense that you'd be ready for this divorce in your head and heart, and yet once you receive the actual, final papers it would be emotional. It's my understanding that you have accepted that the marriage is over and needed to end--but in real life that is also a very sad thing. You had hopes and dreams for that relationship. So it is sad that the hopes and dreams are now over. I think that feeling a variety of emotions is completely normal--everything from some relief, to some guilt, to some happiness, to some sorrow. 

But in particular, I wanted to comment on what you wrote above. This REALLY touched a chord with me, because like you, I did occassionally worry if my relationship and marriage to @Emerging Buddhist was "too fast" or if it was a rebound or if it was wise to marry the first man after my previous husband died. [Note to Self: I did this in a self-analytical way, not in a particulary doubting way...make sense?] Like you, I didn't want to make a big mistake or be unwise and in denial.

But here's the truth: call it luck or blessing or karma or whatever term you want, in real life I had the pleasure of meeting a great guy out of the gate! I was ahead of the curve versus many widows in that I had already been divorced, already "knew who I was", already was completely happy on my own, already knew the kind of person who would be a good fit for me, already knew how to live on my own and take care of my finances and live life, etc. So, when I happened to start getting to know EB, I could tell the fit was good for my personal growth and that he was (is) a genuinely good guy. 

So even though we got married a year and 8 months after my previous hubby died, I remember thinking, "Well...if he's a good person, he just is a good person. Why would I mess that up just because he's the first one I dated?" or "Well...the more I know of him, the more I like him and that actually attracts me to him, so why should I throw a monkey wrench in just because X amount of time has passed?" 

Make sense?

If your guy just happens to be a good guy, that's just who he is! That is his character, that is his essence. It's okay to take whatever amount of time you believe is right, and it's okay to just acknowledge that you had great luck, a great blessing, great karma...or whatever! You just hit the jackpot--that's it.


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

Like everyone else has written its completely normal. That you are feeling sadness and regret shows you have a kind soul even after all that has occurred. I wish you all the best.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Affaircare said:


> @notmyjamie,
> 
> 
> 
> ...


That makes very good sense. Thank you. Another poster here said to me once that maybe it's just that I deserve to have something good happen for me after all I've been through. I guess I just don't ever think I deserve anything of the sort. But if my story were written by another poster I'd tell her the same thing. I guess I'm just terrified of making another mistake. It's one thing to pick as a single woman, it's another to make a choice as a mother of three. What I do affects them always and I have to consider them in everything I do. It makes everything ten times more scary for me.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

notmyjamie said:


> Another poster here said to me once that maybe it's just that I deserve to have something good happen for me after all I've been through. I guess I just don't ever think I deserve anything of the sort. .


So many people here know your story ..... and every one I am sure can agree you deserve a MAN !!! 

I wish you the best luck and a speedy lane to what you DESERVE !!!


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> So many people here know your story ..... and every one I am sure can agree you deserve a MAN !!!
> 
> I wish you the best luck and a speedy lane to what you DESERVE !!!


LOL...thanks...I do have a MAN now. That's the one thing I don't have to worry about!!! No complaints whatsoever when it comes to that. And I don't mind saying, I'm thoroughly enjoying it. 

I have said on several occasions that I do deserve to find someone with the same sex drive as me and I have found that. We are very compatible in this regard. It's the other 22 hours a day I worry about. Can't help it. I'm working on it though.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

notmyjamie said:


> That makes very good sense. Thank you. Another poster here said to me once that maybe it's just that I deserve to have something good happen for me after all I've been through. I guess I just don't ever think I deserve anything of the sort. But if my story were written by another poster I'd tell her the same thing. I guess I'm just terrified of making another mistake. It's one thing to pick as a single woman, it's another to make a choice as a mother of three. What I do affects them always and I have to consider them in everything I do. It makes everything ten times more scary for me.


I guess that maybe I missed something... 

You are not talking about getting married or moving in together? Are you? 

If not then just see what happens, if you are it is def a more serious consideration...


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

BluesPower said:


> I guess that maybe I missed something...
> 
> You are not talking about getting married or moving in together? Are you?
> 
> If not then just see what happens, if you are it is def a more serious consideration...


Definitely not talking marriage but we do discuss the possibility of living together in the future. I'm still stuck living in my house with STBXH for another 3 years due to the divorce settlement (separate apartment). I could move out if I could afford to still pay my half of the mortgage and expenses and pay for a new place but I don't see that happening unless I win the lottery. So even living together is not going to happen soon.

But if I did not have this issue, I think he'd want to live together sometime in the next six months. He is ready for something more committed than I am. He does not push at all and he's aware that I am behind him in this and he accepts that. I just don't want to spend all this time with him only to decide I can't live with certain things and then break his heart later. That's a pretty crappy thing to do to someone.

ETA: I do admit there is an element of overthinking it for sure.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

notmyjamie said:


> Definitely not talking marriage but we do discuss the possibility of living together in the future. I'm still stuck living in my house with STBXH for another 3 years due to the divorce settlement (separate apartment). I could move out if I could afford to still pay my half of the mortgage and expenses and pay for a new place but I don't see that happening unless I win the lottery. So even living together is not going to happen soon.
> 
> But if I did not have this issue, I think he'd want to live together sometime in the next six months. He is ready for something more committed than I am. He does not push at all and he's aware that I am behind him in this and he accepts that. I just don't want to spend all this time with him only to decide I can't live with certain things and then break his heart later. That's a pretty crappy thing to do to someone.
> 
> ETA: I do admit there is an element of overthinking it for sure.


Well I get that. And I guess there is nothing that you can do for now anyway, so yeah, over thinking... 

On the wasting time thing... I believe that you are over thinking that as well. You are not holding a gun to his head to date you, he wants to date you. And yeah, at some point, he wants to be with you full time. 

But the reality is that, you guys could date for all three years and get down to the wire and decide against it. It does happen. 

It actual is what it is. Dating can be a test for the future, and the more things you find out about each other, well the better. 

Who knows where it will end up. You have to brake some eggs to make an omelet...


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