# Im Screwed! -cant get divorced



## SignOfLife (Aug 13, 2014)

Well I just talked to an attorney, and I am not at all inspired...

Long story short....Been married 8 yrs and just because he has had the luxury to work from home (hiding his separate money) and raise our son while I work a the hospital in my professional career and pay all the bills, that he will most likely be looked at like a "stay at home mom" and get the full custody and child support. "OH HELL NO !" I said..
So looks like I am stuck in a sexless and non physical or emotional marriage ! for another 10 years ! --And I cant have an outside relationship or that's adultery! So now I will continue to live in misery and sadness....How does this happen.?
I can't legally make him like me, love me or want to be nice to me, I cant legally make him help pay bills, I can't keep him from always vacationing with my son while I have to work...

Im not sure what I am supposed to do now.....:crying:


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

I feel for you and I don't mean to make light of your situation but this is the issue that most men face when they are going through divorce, and as 70% of divorces are initiated by women, the men in most cases don't even get a say in the matter. Worse still is the fact that in so many cases the women finds another man and has an affair, leaves her husband for the other man and the courts reward her by giving her half of everything, 80% custody of the kids, child support, spousal support, etc... and the man is forced to try to live on next to nothing and put a life together afterward.

All I would say is if you aren't happy and there is no way to save the marriage then fight for your 50 percent custody and work with your partner to be good co parents and raise a well adjusted child.

Staying in a marriage full of bitterness and resentment because you don't want to pay child support is only going to scar your child as he grows up in a toxic environment.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I thought the same reasons and didn't get a divorce for years. But finally grew some and left the horrible, toxic marriage. Oh, my sex life for the past 4 months while separated is the best it's ever been in my life. Worth it!

You can do it. Get an attorney and look at your options. He'll be able to give you a picture of what your divorce will look like so you can know what you new life will be like.

"Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's fcking worth it!"


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Do you have any bank accounts or receipts that he has used to pay for anything. I don't know what this attorney has told you, but if he has hidden money, you can find it, and used it as leverage. Do not give up, that is bull****.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Why can't you make him pay bills, if he has income? If the bills are in your name - especially utilities, mortgage, car, etc. - you are obligated to pay them or risk the consequences. However, if you have credit cards, cancel them and get some in your name only, and do not buy anything for him. Auto insurance - insure only yourself and not him. If he tries to use the car, report it stolen as you haven't given him permission to drive and he's uninsured. If a bill or asset is in his name, don't pay for it - let him deal with any consequences that would affect you both or just him.

And if he is hiding income from the IRS, report him to the IRS. If you didn't know about it, then you are let off the hook for his debts to them - if you knew, you may still get a break for reporting him. Regardless, document whatever you can of his income and tactics to hide it, first, and any accounts he may have or where he stashes cash, etc. Document jobs he does, and for whom, so there is some traceability for investigation. It may be a lot cheaper even if there are IRS penalties, than letting this continue - and if it is discovered later and you haven't reported, the consequences and penalties will be far higher.

You may need the help of an experienced accountant or forensic accountant to document as much as you can before reporting him, and use a lawyer to do so to cut a deal with the IRS in your favor. Once all is documented, you can divorce him knowing that he can't hide his income and assets any longer. Go back in time as far as you can, or as far back as the IRS will look.

And open separate accounts for your earnings, and do not allow him access or any information about what's in them, etc. Do this after you've collected evidence, but before he knows you are - once you are ready to report him, then cut him off.

I also suggest you get a safety deposit box to store evidence about his income/jobs, copies of past tax returns, deeds and titles, and documents such as marriage certificate, SSN, passports, birth certificates - anything he may try to keep from you to control you or hinder you.


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## SignOfLife (Aug 13, 2014)

I did just talk to who would be my attorney ^^^ .
He said that its more than the money, because he has been the one who has taken him to school and picked him up and been there for him, while I work , that the person that does that usually always gets the child. Why would I want to give up my SON? What the freek , are they kidding me..? He said I could have him audited as far as him ordering his supplies it will show what his business demand has been. But, we have never had a joint bank account, because he has liens from his previous wife...So now he has hidden $$ everywhere and even cash, because some of his clients pay him in cash in his name in check not a business name.He also said that you cant have a relationship even if separated because it can be considered adultery! IT IS CRAZY.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

I doubt the money is that hidden, once the divorce starts you go through a process called discovery.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

SignOfLife said:


> I did just talk to who would be my attorney ^^^ .
> He said that its more than the money, because he has been the one who has taken him to school and picked him up and been there for him, while I work , that the person that does that usually always gets the child. Why would I want to give up my SON? What the freek , are they kidding me..? He said I could have him audited as far as him ordering his supplies it will show what his business demand has been. But, we have never had a joint bank account, because he has liens from his previous wife...So now he has hidden $$ everywhere and even cash, because some of his clients pay him in cash in his name in check not a business name.He also said that you cant have a relationship even if separated because it can be considered adultery! IT IS CRAZY.


That makes no sense. Not sure what state you are living in, but split custody is usually the case when neither parent is negligent. Maybe see a new attorney.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

SignOfLife said:


> Well I just talked to an attorney, and I am not at all inspired...
> 
> Long story short....Been married 8 yrs and just because he has had the luxury to work from home (hiding his separate money) and raise our son while I work a the hospital in my professional career and pay all the bills, that he will most likely be looked at like a "stay at home mom" and get the full custody and child support. "OH HELL NO !" I said..
> So looks like I am stuck in a sexless and non physical or emotional marriage ! for another 10 years ! --And I cant have an outside relationship or that's adultery! So now I will continue to live in misery and sadness....How does this happen.?
> ...


*If the attorney that you interviewed indeed said that, then you need to keep "shopping around" for one!

This particular attorney greatly sounds like a lazy, money-grubbing, self-serving, uncompassionate, inconsiderate bastard!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

Can I ask you what divorce looked like in your head? It normally means that both of you give up some time with your children. Courts generally look for 50/50, with one of you being the custodial parent. They are not going to give him FULL custody unless you are proven to be a completely unfit parent. You are not "giving up" your son. 

I would find a new attorney. My XWH was a SAHD too. We have joint custody, I am the custodial parent and he has visitation and has to pay a small amount of CS. I got the house, the kids, my 401k and took all the debt - he had to get out and get a job. We didn't use attorneys...I drafted the forms online and told him if he wanted to hire a lawyer and fight me he was welcome to half of the house that was $60,000 underwater and the kids would lose their childhood home in his quest to gain $30,000 in debt. He signed them. Do you have any debt you can leverage?

Do you live in a state where adultery makes a difference in a divorce? It normally means nothing so what do you care? I am not saying go cheat on him, I mean get the D ball rolling and don't worry about that aspect. The fact is that you will have to give up something to get divorced -money, time with your son - but so will your husband. That is what divorce is. Maybe having a mom who isn't miserable for the next 10 years is worth not having your son under the same roof a few days a week?


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

SignOfLife said:


> I did just talk to who would be my attorney ^^^ .
> He said that its more than the money, because he has been the one who has taken him to school and picked him up and been there for him, while I work , that the person that does that usually always gets the child. Why would I want to give up my SON? What the freek , are they kidding me..? He said I could have him audited as far as him ordering his supplies it will show what his business demand has been. But, we have never had a joint bank account, because he has liens from his previous wife...So now he has hidden $$ everywhere and even cash, because some of his clients pay him in cash in his name in check not a business name.He also said that you cant have a relationship even if separated because it can be considered adultery! IT IS CRAZY.


Doesn't sound like a very aggressive attorney. 

Make a plan. You know where he 'hides' his money? Document it. Where he hides his cash? Take it. Yup, it's marital property. Let him say in court you took money he earned from his business but never reported. That'll go well for him. >

Then make him a deal. 50/50 custody so nobody is on the hook for child support and both have a say in how your child is raised. Calculate alimony based on what you each actually make (including his hidden income) and agree to that amount. Don't disclose in court how you came to that arrangement and he stays out of trouble with his former wife and the IRS. If he doesn't take the deal, then drown him during discovery. You can uncover his business income and it also becomes visible to the IRS and his other ex. 

Make it easy for him to say yes. Think about what he wants / needs that you don't care about, and offer that up. Most of all, keep in mind what is in the best interests of your child. Because the court will look at that first, so be honest about that. If joint legal custody with him having residential custody makes sense, then go with that. But maximize your visitation to as close to 50% as you humanly can.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

SignOfLife said:


> I did just talk to who would be my attorney ^^^ .
> He said that its more than the money, because he has been the one who has taken him to school and picked him up and been there for him, while I work , that the person that does that usually always gets the child. Why would I want to give up my SON? What the freek , are they kidding me..? He said I could have him audited as far as him ordering his supplies it will show what his business demand has been. But, we have never had a joint bank account, because he has liens from his previous wife...So now he has hidden $$ everywhere and even cash, because some of his clients pay him in cash in his name in check not a business name.He also said that you cant have a relationship even if separated because it can be considered adultery! IT IS CRAZY.


OMG you MUST consult a different attorney! What a load of crap this one is feeding you, he is just LAZY! DO NOT give him any money...I cannot believe he told you this crap.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Listen. Be clear. 

You're not stuck. You don't want to take the financial risk to leave. Those are two different things. Nobody is telling you that you can't divorce. 

If you want to leave, talk to 2-3 different lawyers and accountants to find out how to exit with as little damage as possible. Then decide if you're willing to pay that price or not. 

Sorry to be blunt, but it bothers me when people decide they can't leave, when what it really is that they won't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SignOfLife (Aug 13, 2014)

I wish I could find my old post so everyone would understand...I had posted a while back about how much of a Narcissist he is...there is a lot more to the story. I trusted that this attorney was good because my therapist knows him well and knows the cases he always wins in town and knows the judges. I feel he was trying to really be straight forward, I have not paid him. 
He did say we can expose his earnings, and that I do have leverage with threatening that he has his business in my home without a business license and that is not allowed in our county. 
However, my spouse is very aggressive and I'm terrified he will get his "Daddy's" money involved. 
Overall, I don't want to hurt my son. I want to have 50/50. that is for sure. 
thank you everyone for your ideas ! This helps. 
Once I open the can of worms then all heck is gonna break loose. 
I appreciate you.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Divorced a narcissist. Yes, all hell will break loose and that's OK.

1. Get several different attorney's opinions. I wouldn't accept this one. What country/state are you in? Because in the US, even in the most conservative states, you can date if you have a LEGAL separation document vs. just living apart for a while and calling it a separation.

2. Hire a forensic accountant - they will be able to follow a money trail to prove he HAS worked. He just worked form HOME, right? Gather any evidence he worked. Working from home is not uncommon. You both worked. Period.

3. Hire a PI if you need to prove he works from home. They don't just follow people. What's his work? A PI can pretend to be a client and hire your husband to make it easier for the forensic accountant to trace the money the PI paid with. 

4. Document activities with your son. Up until now you probably didn't need to keep a journal of when you took him to a birthday party or the zoo. 

5. As soon as you file (assuming you finally can with confidence you'll at least have 50/50), keep a journal and document EVERYTHING. My ex's narcissism was emotionally damaging to our daughter. I petitioned for a court ordered psych evaluation for parental fitness. Most counselors and therapists aren't in tune enough with the real traits of a narc and with the issues that creates for a child. A psychologist will. Their findings can influence custody and visitation. Children of narcissists face a ton of issues and the less exposure the better. 

Do not settle for a pathetic life. GO GRAB IT. You are a smart woman. Approach this the same as you would a big project at work. The devil is in the details.


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## FaithinVisionsRealized (Nov 17, 2015)

Divorce can be an arduous and painful road and all at the same time living in a lifeless marriage can also be another heart ache. Neither one of these options are appeasing. I do not know the exact nature or circumstances of your marriage; however, there is hope for reconciliation in your marriage. Often times, couples run into a stagnant relationship as pressures pile from finances (Hence you mentioning your concerns with working a full time job), sexual intimacy challenges, and the pressures of raising children. When you combine all of these different challenges, couples often become room mates out of the lack of time and fear of hurting the other partner for releasing tension in some cases. It creates a wall of defense in place that hardens. The walls can be broken down with hard work from both of you. I would highly recommend seeking a counselor to assist in a potential reconciliation/ and or at least guidance on how to proceed with the divorce process if there are no other options. In regard to your husband's quoting scripture, of course God's original intention was for two people to remain in a marriage forever; however, there are situations involving abandonment of a partner via domestic violence/ leaving the relationship, or adultery that can break the marital bonds as referenced by Matthew 5:32 . "but I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except for the reason of un-chastity, makes her commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery." This is speaking of cases in which there are no biblical grounds for divorce as mentioned above. Again, not all marriages are saved as a result of choices of one or both parties; however, ideally it would be of benefit to work toward reconciliation if possible. Blessings


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

SignOfLife said:


> I wish I could find my old post so everyone would understand...I had posted a while back about how much of a Narcissist he is...there is a lot more to the story. I trusted that this attorney was good because my therapist knows him well and knows the cases he always wins in town and knows the judges. I feel he was trying to really be straight forward, I have not paid him.
> He did say we can expose his earnings, and that I do have leverage with threatening that he has his business in my home without a business license and that is not allowed in our county.
> However, my spouse is very aggressive and I'm terrified he will get his "Daddy's" money involved.
> Overall, I don't want to hurt my son. I want to have 50/50. that is for sure.
> ...


You could quite easily go to three different lawyers this week for free to get their advice without anybody knowing. 

Then you could pick one and start to plan, and do the same thing with an accountant. 

This week. 

By this time next week you could be sitting your husband down to inform him how this was going to go. 

If you wanted. 

With a third party there and another place to go to if he gets too angry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SignOfLife (Aug 13, 2014)

Perfect ideas !


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