# Maybe this is just what we needed?



## confused7777 (Dec 10, 2011)

My wife has kept things from me because I get angry when there are problems for quite some time. I've also known that she wanted to try someone else for the 'experience' so I had become controlling, not wanting her to go to clubs etc. She has since left me and we have filed for divorce 1 month ago. We have been intimate since.

Now she says she has slept with someone else but wants to come back to me and has no thoughts of anyone else anymore. Can I trust her? Is this something we needed to go through, we have been together for 16 years and have 3 children. As far as I know she has never been with anyone else and neither have I.

I don't know how to feel about it. I mean I expected it and I also expected here to come back to me. She was honest about it, but... Does this seem normal/natural?


----------



## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

I would recommend that you get a copy of the Married Man Sex Life Primer." I think it would answer your questions. You should also check out his blog:

Married Man Sex Life


----------



## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

This is a very difficult question, one of the most difficult I have seen on here.. My answer would be she has seen the other side and now realises how good you are she wont do it again. Since you have never been with anyone else you call this betrayal which it is. I think she is 'safe'. Since you say you dont know how to feel about it I think thats your answer. Otherwise you would know. Take her back.


----------



## confused7777 (Dec 10, 2011)

Thank you accept!

She is also saying that I drove her to it. Would I be out of bounds to tell her that I expect her to take ownership of what she did rather than make it seem as if I caused her to do it?


----------



## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

If you are going to take her back you have to agree not to mention it again or the causes for it. If you cant agree to that then dont!


----------



## confused7777 (Dec 10, 2011)

k


----------



## DoRight (Dec 10, 2011)

Do I understand correctly? She slept with someone else? And she filed for divorce? 

You have to make up your mind whether you want her back. This is a huge betrayal. You are completely justified if you were to ask her why you should even take her back. You need to make a big deal of this. If you do not take a stand that what she did was wrong, it will happen again. 

You really need to think hard about what you want from the marriage. In other words, if you would imagine the perfect life with your wife, what would it look like. How would things be different from before she left? Then you need to tell her about that vision of the perfect situation. That is what you expect from her. 

If you are able to write down on paper what your goals are for the marriage and then tell her exactly what you want, she will start to do those things for you. She cannot give you what you want if you cannot tell her. 

Be prepared for her to argue and blame you and yell, etc etc. Be strong and stand up for what you want. 

It sounds so basic. But many people do not get what they really want because they just don't ask for it.

Best regards and good luck.


----------



## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

confused7777 said:


> My wife has kept things from me because I get angry when there are problems for quite some time. I've also known that she wanted to try someone else for the 'experience' so I had become controlling, not wanting her to go to clubs etc. She has since left me and we have filed for divorce two months ago. We have been intimate since.
> 
> Now she says she has slept with someone else but wants to come back to me and has no thoughts of anyone else anymore. Can I trust her? Is this something we needed to go through, we have been together for 16 years and have 3 children. As far as I know she has never been with anyone else and neither have I.
> 
> I don't know how to feel about it. I mean I expected it and I also expected here to come back to me. She was honest about it, but... Does this seem normal/natural?


I have a difficult time believing she just wanted to go and **** somebody else for the experience. Even if it were true, I see her asking you for more experieneces in the future.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Did she sleep with someone else after you two filed for divorce? How long were you separated prior to filing?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

confused7777 said:


> She is also saying that I drove her to it. Would I be out of bounds to tell her that I expect her to take ownership of what she did rather than make it seem as if I caused her to do it?


I do not see why people are being fooled by your wife here.

She wanted to have sex outside of marraige and you would not give her permission. She filed for divorce so that she could have sex with someone else. She did it in the belief that you would take her back afterward and she was right.

Until the divorce is final you were still marriage. She had sex with someone else while married to you. Just because she was open and up front about it does not make it right. She betrayed you and your marraige. You should not give her a free pass on this just because she was cold and calculating in planning it. She is clearly play you. Under her rules, anytime she wants to have sex outside of marriage she just has to pay a couple hundred bucks to file for divorce, have wild sex with whomever, and then drop the divorce and you are suppose to say nothing about it because she had filed for divorce. Marriage is not a game where you get time outs so that you can have sex with others. 

Do not let her rug sweep this. If there is no remorse you should not take her back. You are officially a betrayed spouse. You should treat her accordingly. You have every right to bring this up as much as you want so that you can heal. It will in fact take years for you to heal if can you heal at all. Do not make believe otherwise, and no this is not just what your marraige needed. 

This belongs in the Infidelity section.


----------



## confused7777 (Dec 10, 2011)

thank you for your responses. I am reading them all and trying to figure out just how I feel. We spoke in person tonight and she acted as if we were back together right away. This does not feel or seem remorseful.


----------



## confused7777 (Dec 10, 2011)

PB separated for 3 months, filed for divorce one month ago. This happened twice with the same guy two weeks ago.


----------



## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

confused7777 said:


> thank you for your responses. I am reading them all and trying to figure out just how I feel. We spoke in person tonight and she acted as if we were back together right away. This does not feel or seem remorseful.


The part in red is what would concern me atm.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Where is the remorse? And where exaclty is either the love or the compassion for you? Where is any respect for you?

What I read was a wife who wanted to cheat, you said no, so she walked out and began divorcing you.

She also cheaed several times. Now you ate what the fall back because the other guy wasn't good in bed?

Are you sure the OM wasn't actually in the picture before she left? Most often in these stories it comes out that they were already in a relationship and the rest is a coverup to mske it look like they met after she left you. I'd bet my own money that they already had something set up.

Unless she has an ambition to bethesda town tramp, no woman does what she has done.

The old marriage is done. She left and she deliberately cheated. It done.

So the question, is what is she offering to make it worth your while to give her a shot at dating you again? And do you even want to waste anymore of your life with someone who so callously dumps you?

And what about next time she gets the hankering for strange?

At a minimum finish the divorce and she can ask you for a date. If you eventually are her back, which I advise against, have a prenup in place that if she does anything like this again - she gets 10% of the family assets, and nothing else.

But honestly, before you even consider it, answer for yourself, and have her answer the question I started this post with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

confused7777 said:


> Thank you accept!
> 
> She is also saying that I drove her to it. Would I be out of bounds to tell her that I expect her to take ownership of what she did rather than make it seem as if I caused her to do it?


This is total BS. She coldly decided she wanted another guy instead of her own husband. She wanted to cheat on you. 

And so if you said before you take her back you intend to have sex with another woman , the same number of times she cheated, what does she say?

Also, find who the OM is and track him down. Exposé to his wife is he is married. You also need this information because he will come looking for more from your wife, and you want to know everything you can so you can reconize it and stop it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## confused7777 (Dec 10, 2011)

shaggy, Thank you for your response. She had set up on a dating site right after she left me and dated several men, sleeping with one twice after three dates. or so the story goes.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I do not see how you can trust her. What she has done is just to selfish, cold, and hurtful. I also do not think she is tellong you the truth.

The only people who do what she has done ate mentally ill and have lost the ability to tell right from wrong. Is she mentally ill? It doesn't sound like it. But she does sound incredilbly selfish.

And what pray tell did she discover that is so great about you after having another guy inside her? What has sent her home? Doesn't it all sound a little too easy? This is a woman who went as far as leaving her family and divorcing her husband so she could be free to get laid by other guys. She's just going to do a 180 after one guy a couple of times?

What she may have found is that there's not o many good men to behad by a mom of 3 in her late 30s/49s. Thst the competition is steep, and she's expected to work a lot harder?

It just doesn't add up. So, no I certainly wouldn't trust her at this point.

Btw, stop sleeping with her until she shows you a clean std test. Use condoms (insist on it). 

At a minimum, if there is no remorse there can be no R.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## freeshias4me (Dec 4, 2007)

I just read through the posts quickly, but there are some things I DIDN'T notice....
Have you contemplated whether she might pass on a venereal disease to you?
Is she coming back to you now because the other guy dumped her? 
If the affair happened recently, could she secretly be pregnant?
When I got married, there were a lot of "What-if's" going on my head...emotionally, sexually, etc. (I heard this is normal). But I DID NOT act on them. As time goes by, the feelings work themselves out, and you bond with your mate. I think nowadays, men and women rush to act on these initial "what-if's", thinking they are following their heart...but it only ruins them in the long-run, because they've now ruined their potential bond with their mate.


----------



## confused7777 (Dec 10, 2011)

So I finally have the whole story from her side. We separated and one week later she set up on a dating site. She says she dated several men only kissed them at the end of the dates and never saw them again. after three months of separation we filed for divorce and one week later she became intimate with one of the men she was dating. She dated him three times then had sex with him on their fourth visit and again on a fifth to 'make sure' that it wouldn't work. she says she is very sorry and doesn't know if this is something we could ever get past.


----------



## confused7777 (Dec 10, 2011)

freeshias4me, great points, She cant get pregnant - She is going to take an STD test and I saw her dating profile before she deleted it, asking about safe sex, which she says she had. I agree with you and think this was something that she had in her head that just wasn't in tune with reality (a what if) I am assuming that she was dumped, she says they agreed that it wouldn't work, does this part matter? Should I ask her?


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

What happens next time she gets an "itch" that needs scratched?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## confused7777 (Dec 10, 2011)

pidge, I guess the idea is that there wouldn't be because of what this has done and how traumatic it has been for both of us..


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I mean this seriously - ask her about you doing the same, a how she will react?

I think you're being sold a bill of goods here. Like I said my earlier post, it doesn't add up, and she's coming back too easily. 

If she really loved you - she would never have done this in the first place - so what has actually changed?


----------



## confused7777 (Dec 10, 2011)

I asked her that and she said she wouldn't have the right to say anything against it since she has done it.


----------



## confused7777 (Dec 10, 2011)

What has changed is that she is not as great as I made her feel in the real world. That men can be cold and that relationships are about more than sex. That I am/was good to her and she cant get that from anyone else, at least with the dates she has been on and the men she has met. This is my best guess, but I am obviously seeking advise because I don't know.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

confused7777 said:


> I asked her that and she said she wouldn't have the right to say anything against it since she has done it.


That's a non-answer on her part. 

Will she take a polygraph ?


----------



## confused7777 (Dec 10, 2011)

I think you were spot on when you said "What she may have found is that there's not o many good men to behad by a mom of 3 in her late 30s/49s. Thst the competition is steep, and she's expected to work a lot harder?"


----------



## confused7777 (Dec 10, 2011)

lol @ polygraph


----------



## confused7777 (Dec 10, 2011)

another point is that I was moving 1 week after we filed and I gave her everything she wanted but asked her to promise not to date until I moved. The only thing I asked for. And I find out she was dating after she promised me she wouldn't before I moved.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

confused7777 said:


> another point is that I was moving 1 week after we filed and I gave her everything she wanted but asked her to promise not to date until I moved. The only thing I asked for. And I find out she was dating after she promised me she wouldn't before I moved.


Well that's your fault for not moving fast enough! Just like it was your fault in the first place that she had to cheat.

Seriously, other than for the kids, why would you take her back? You could never trust her, and frankly I don't see how you could get over the cold betrayal.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

As long as you're okay with the fact that she had all this setup so she could go out and cheat, more power to you. I will tell you this, if she is let back in with no consequences, it WILL happen again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## confused7777 (Dec 10, 2011)

I agree shaggy. I guess if I knew that this was past us I would like to be with her and my kids again. I feel hollow inside not being with them and her, like I am not doing what I should do. If she now knows now that she only wants me, I could see us having a stronger relationship after all. And that's something that someone new wouldn't have.


----------



## confused7777 (Dec 10, 2011)

pidge70, what consequences could there be?


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

If you let her back and just try and act like it never happened, she will do it again. You have become her back up plan. Things didn't go as she thought they would and she expects you to just take her back. She needs to be completely transparent. Passwords, phone etc. Does she act remorseful at all?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## confused7777 (Dec 10, 2011)

pidge,

She did not seem remorseful at first until I did ask her questions and I did make a big deal about it. then she finally broke down. she has since deleted her dating account, phone messages and cleaned up her facebook before befriending me again.


----------



## confused7777 (Dec 10, 2011)

Just to say, You guys (and gals) are AWESOME! for taking the time to help me with this very important decision in this, the most difficult time of my life.


----------



## confused7777 (Dec 10, 2011)

She is coming over in a couple hours to talk. I am thinking about what to say...


----------



## confused7777 (Dec 10, 2011)

We agreed that we are going to work on our relationship and I think we will be O.K. I hope this thread is helpful to anyone in a similar situation.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Confused, trust but verify.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## confused7777 (Dec 10, 2011)

gotcha!


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Find a GOOD marriage counselor. If possible she needs Individual counseling also. 

Both of you need to read the book "His Needs Her Needs".

Best of Luck


----------



## freeshias4me (Dec 4, 2007)

Confused 7777, If you truly love her and want to be with her again, by all means give it a good try. Just keep your eyes open.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think you need to set a personal threshold which is quite low on how much future bs and lack of energy she puts into the relationship, and be ready to call her on it,and even tell her this is a false R.

Be on the look out for her not really bring back and working like a dog to please you and earn the privilege of you giving her another chance.

Remember your now the secnd choice, the fall back after she failed to find what she really wanted. 

She will more likely than not make a very tiny token effort and then go right back to being that same coldly calculating selfish person who demanded an open marriage for her, and walked out to get it when you stood up to her bs.

She needs to understand that at this point the old marriage ended completely when she left and cheated. She isn't returning home, she is now beng given a chance to make you want to be with her again after all the hurt and pain she caused as she killed the old marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

7777, it's your decision, of course, but I think you need to stop and think for a while about this. You now know that she is willing, and capable of lying, cheating , disrespecting, and betraying you, right? And you can bet she will forget none of it., The next time (and there will be a next time) she is dissatisfied, it WILL happen again. She will wipe her feet on you like any other doormat, if you let her. She has shown that she doesn't love you or respect you, and that she is perfectly willing to cheat. Do you want to be married to somebody like this? Do you want to go through your married life having to worry if she is being faithful or not? You need to look at this situation differently. You have been given a "wake-up", call, and now have the opportunity to get rid of a cheater and find a truly good woman. Don't waste your time on her, divorce and find somebody with proper morals.


----------



## confused7777 (Dec 10, 2011)

Badblood, I see your point. I asked her to friend me again on facebook and she said she was busy but she would asap. I asked her if she was editing her facebook page and she said no, but I saw her page change before she befriended me (she didn't know I could see it) She also said she left the other guy for me but that was two weeks ago and she didn't call me until two days ago..???


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

So she realized that she isn't as hot/desired as she thought to be and she is coming back to her second choice? The nice husband who was waiting on her eagerly?

The grass is greener syndrome. She checked out if she can find better men. If she had, she would have left. Now that she hasn't, she is back to her second choice husband. I think the consequence you should give her is divorce and find a woman who will treat you as first choice. 

If you do want to work on the marriage, let her pay for the humiliation she put you through. Tell her that you will work on the marriage for a little while but proceed with the divorce unless she shows you a strong reason not to by the end of time period. She will have to be committed to the marriage this whole time. This will at least show you how remorseful she is, just not getting back with her safe/stable 2nd choice husband.


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

See what I mean,7777? She is supposedly trying to get back together, yet she is still lying to you. How are you ever going to trust her? In my opinion, she is not marriage material.


----------



## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

So, she divorced you solely to sleep around with other men? WW is known to do some crazy things to alleviate the guilt, and in your W's case, a speedy divorce filing may have been it. So, in a grand scheme of things, this seems no different from cheating.

Geesh, your W is truly something. As truthful as she may appear now, I think she has probably minimized her sexcapade to lessen the embarassment. 

We don't know your W as well as you do. If you think she is worth keeping after all this, then it is your call. The only advice I can give you is that you should not blindly trust her ever again. Keep vigilant from this point on. Since she has done this now, she is now likely to do this again any time she feels depressed or empty again in her marriage.


----------



## Yardman (Sep 10, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> As long as you're okay with the fact that she had all this setup so she could go out and cheat, more power to you. I will tell you this, if she is let back in with no consequences, it WILL happen again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

How long until she gets curious again?


----------



## confused7777 (Dec 10, 2011)

I feel like I should confront her on her lies and ask her if she is capable of ever being honest with me. OR are those white lies that I should let go?


----------



## confused7777 (Dec 10, 2011)

OMG, I wish this were easy, I wish she loved me as much as I love her.

I asked her if she smoked now and she said occasionally, I asked her if she would quit for me and she got very defensive saying that I was trying to control her and maybe this wasn't going to work. I have already changed a lot of things and committed to changing a lot of other things but she cant alter one small aspect of her life. I cant take this anymore. ffs


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Do you feel special and proud that she is your wife?
Do you feel special and proud that your wife had no problem lying to you and seeking out dating sites and at the very least had sex with another man at least twice?
Do you feel special and proud that your wife had sex with another man a couple of times and claimed that it was all your fault?

I am sorry but you are in big time denial and her actions show she has very little respect for whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


----------



## confused7777 (Dec 10, 2011)

You are only hearing my side and she would most likely tell it differently. She would say that I was controlling, distant, angry (and I was) That I interrogate her and don't let things go and don't give her the freedom to be her. (To me this is all about lying and wanting to cheat) I want to be honest here becouse I want to do the right thing. 

I was all of those things before she seemed like she wanted someone else and maybe that's why. But she has also been lying to me since we were married 9 years ago.


----------



## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

either a troll or a very dumb man !!


----------



## confused7777 (Dec 10, 2011)

bryanp said:


> Do you feel special and proud that she is your wife?
> Do you feel special and proud that your wife had no problem lying to you and seeking out dating sites and at the very least had sex with another man at least twice?
> Do you feel special and proud that your wife had sex with another man a couple of times and claimed that it was all your fault?
> 
> I am sorry but you are in big time denial and her actions show she has very little respect for whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


Yes, No, Not at all...


----------



## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

What exactly can't you take, confused7777? You can accept your wife having sex with another man, while she's still married to you. You can accept her version of reality, that you are controlling, mean, and the source of all her problems (while she somehow manages to slip off your chains of control long enough to be the one who files for divorce). Apparently, you can accept that she "really wants to be with me, right after she edits her facebook page." You're prepared to accept "never talking about how she went and had sex with another guy ever again" and make her suffer no repercussions for stepping outside your marriage. In other words, you're prepared for the NEXT time she wants to have sex with another man.

You have taken all this from her, and if that's how you choose to live your life, God Bless you. But the straw that breaks your camel's back is that she started smoking?


----------



## confused7777 (Dec 10, 2011)

OUCH, I'm not a troll. but I am not the brightest bulb on the tree...


----------



## confused7777 (Dec 10, 2011)

Not that she started smoking but that she was upset that I asked her to change a little while I have to change a lot...


----------



## Walt (Jul 17, 2011)

Confused,

Please stop - you are fooling yourself b/c you are scared, the kids, money, etc.

My STBXW sounds exactly like yours. She wanted a separation so she could explore the green grass. Trouble is, we're still MARRIED. SHE CHEATED. YOUR WIFE CHEATED. YOU"RE STILL MARRIED.

She's coming back b/c whatever she found wasn't as good as what she had. In the meantime, she crushed you. Humiliated you. 

Are you willing to be 2nd best for the rest of your life? Are you willing to take her scraps? 

You sound like a nice guy. you read No More Mr. Nice Guy? If not, read it ASAP. 

Stand up. Man up. Move on.

Easier said then done, I know. I have 3 kids too. But I was in a similar spot as you a few months ago. I tried to play the nice guy - "let's R, "I want this to work," "You're my best friend," etc. IT DOESN'T WORK.

Your choice on how to proceed, but I beseech you to listen to those who have gone thru this already.


----------



## Walt (Jul 17, 2011)

confused7777 said:


> Not that she started smoking but that she was upset that I asked her to change a little while I have to change a lot...



You don't have to change. She already had told you she doesn't want you. 

According to her, you suck (controlling, etc.)!

Listen closely to her words. Feel her actions - the betrayal, the lies, the BS.

WAKE UP!


----------



## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

confused7777 said:


> Not that she started smoking but that she was upset that I asked her to change a little while I have to change a lot...


She cheated on you, but YOU are the one who has to change a lot?

Does that strike you as being ass-backwards?

A wise man learns from the mistakes of others. You have people here (besides the sarcastic *******s like me  ) who are trying to give you advice on how to come out of this healthy and sane.

You are sick with a disease called nice guy syndrome. It will sound weird, but you really need to get over that illness if you want to save your marriage. Or, actually, even if you DON'T want to save it.

You have much reading to do, because you need to expand your knowledge (which is almost always a good thing no matter what the circumstances are).

Go read Athol Kay's Married Man Sex Life. (Free website). Go read Dalrock in your spare time. Hit MarriageBuilders and read up on the 180.

While many of us are kind of jaded, and think your marriage is doomed, if you state that your intent is to reconcile, most people will still give you their best advice on how to achieve that goal. But please please please take time to think about the advice you are given. Some of it will seem counter-productive and wrong. That is usually the stuff that you need to think about the most to understand.

You got a tough row to hoe, but you are going to make it through this stretch of life okay.


----------



## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Did I read this correctly that she realized she wanted to reconcile 2 days ago? But she got dumped by her boyfriend 2 weeks ago? 

And now she is livid with you wanting her to not smoke cigarettes? 

I have a feeling she is looking to salvage what she can after finding out that guys weren't going to trip over themselves for her, so now she goes back to her back-up quarterback. 

You deserve better than that.


----------



## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

confused, 
i'll put it to you simply. put your balls back on man. 

I know it sucks...i know you are hurting so much you will do anything to make the pain stop. but like anyone with a conscience and any kind of honor, if you continue to let her run over you and take her back, can you not only live with her and what she has done to you, can you live your life and and respect yourself. 

CAN YOU LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND BE HAPPY WITH WHAT YOU SEE?

If you have any question about that, you know what you need to do. Right now, you will do anything to make the pain stop. you will sacrafice just about anything to have your old life back. but what you have to ask yourself is...do you really want her back OR is it you really wanted this to not have happened....i get it, your confusion and pain. i think just about everyone of us has been there. but there comes a point where you gotta say enough is enough. i would be willing to bet, in about two or three months, when the emotional rollercoaster slows down a bit, a bit of HEALTHY anger will appear, and your not going to want anything to do with her...she is cold and manipulative...is that what you want....

i know you want to save your marriage for you and your kids..do you want your kids to remember dad as the guy who let mommy walk all over him, or the dad who stood up for himself and his family and did whats right, even if its the hard thing to do. 

thats the hard part brother, is deciding what the right thing is. its a lonely road to walk, sometimes you have to do it by yourself. but thats what a man does


----------



## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Dude, she wanted a vacation from her marriage and she took it. She voiced that she wanted the "experience" of someone else. You were totally against it so.....she seperated from you with the intention of divorcing you. You asked her not to date while you two where seperated and what did she do? She set herself up with dates that first week. Total disrepect to you and your feelings.

The once she got her rocks off with a new "experience". Well, twice because she "had to make sure", then she decides for herself that vacation is over and it's time to go back home. Even you said she's not remorseful. She probably assumes that you'll roll over and take what she did to you, because you have 16 years invested in each other and you "apparently" love her. Therefore, she wants to carpet sweep this whole affair as if nothing happened. But, she's also trying to scare you, because you've posted twice stating that she threatened you with, " I don't think this is going to work." I have my doubts that you're getting the whole truth here. I speculate that she's probably done more than what she telling you with other guys. It may or my not have been full intercourse, but something. See, cheaters will only tell you the bare minimum so it doesn't seem as bad as it looks. She may think you can forgive one slip-up, but if she was to tell you it was actually 5 slip-ups? You may not be so understanding.

Everything you've posted is about HER and what SHE wants and needs. It's all about her. Never once did you post about what she's doing for YOU, what she's doing to help YOU cope with the pain. About what YOU need.

I think you really have to give a lot of that some thought.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

confused7777 said:


> OMG, I wish this were easy, I wish she loved me as much as I love her.
> 
> I asked her if she smoked now and she said occasionally, I asked her if she would quit for me and she got very defensive saying that I was trying to control her and maybe this wasn't going to work. I have already changed a lot of things and committed to changing a lot of other things but she cant alter one small aspect of her life. I cant take this anymore. ffs


Stop being a doormat. It's obvious from her actions and real words that she isn't coming back because she wants you, she s coming back to use you.

She doesn't even seem to think that her leaving to cheat and then cheating was wrong. She HAS NO REMORSE. 

She is inflexible, she is combative, she is argumentative. She is telling you that YOU need to change for her. 

Sorry, tell me again who is the cheating spouse here who claims to have found they really love you and only want to be with you??

Nothing about her R sounds truthful. Nothing in her actions show it.

I keep saying you need to push her a little more, you need to really test her conviction here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

You title is wrong, it should be

Maybe this is just what she needed?

BTW, I can mail you an extra pair of cajones if you need them. Do not take her back yet.

Honey, I'm done spreading my legs and putting my mouth over another guys junk for now, you can have me back again.

So in another 7 years when she gets the itch again, you'll let her do it again as long as she stays with you, ouch.

But then some guys can live with that. So you have to decide what you want, a marriage or a cuckold relationship.


----------



## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

confused7777 said:


> Thank you accept!
> 
> She is also saying that I drove her to it. Would I be out of bounds to tell her that I expect her to take ownership of what she did rather than make it seem as if I caused her to do it?


No one can make another person have an A. That is a choice they make, and they are %100 responsible for that decision. She is trying to sell you a bill of goods; don't accept her twisted view of events. Remember that this is a person who has no sense of ownership for the hurtful things she does. I would make damn sure that she understands and accepts her responsibility for the devastation she has brought into your life before I let her back in. If she is not able to do that then perhaps you would be better off starting over.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Do the 180. Read No More Mr. Nice Guy. Start going to see lawyers with the intent of filing for divorce. Let her see YOU are ready to move on from HER. Whatever the problems in the marriage were you did not make her cheat.

This was a calculated plan on her part to cuckold you and emasculate you as a man. It's time to man up and stand up to her. Only when she respects you will she see her actions as something to be remorseful for. How can she love someone who can't love himself? How can she feel safe in the relationship when she can walk all over you like this? How can she know that you will stand up for her when you won't even stand up to her or stand up for yourself?


----------



## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

confused7777 said:


> I am assuming that she was dumped, she says they agreed that it wouldn't work, does this part matter? Should I ask her?


So if it had worked then, would she be back with you??

Sorry but i think this has been going on for quite some time.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Unless you want to find yourself in the same hell that Decimated found himself living for two years after he discovered his unremorseful WW's affair, just simply tell your WW _"No thanks, I can do better than you. Now please leave"._


----------



## confused7777 (Dec 10, 2011)

I talked with her for a long time yesterday. She says that she did like the guy she was with and that when they had sex twice and it was good, but that she didn't like him as much as me because we had so many years together and she likes being around me more than anyone else. She said sincerely that it was her call to stop seeing him. But if I didn't want her she would go back to him. She told me all the details about how she had been talking to him since our separation and went on three dates after we filed for divorce, then slept over and then a few days later saw him for sex a second time. Then she said she talked to him and told him that she wasn't sure and wanted to get back with me and thus broke up with him for me. 

I asked her about a lot of aspects from different ways and concluded that she is most likely being truthful as her story never changed in any way.

Also, something that I think wasn't made clear. I was upset with her and she with me, we fought a lot and I was also for filing the divorce even when she was having second thoughts. 

We filed together and I really didn't want to be married to her at that time (mostly because of the fighting, depression and that feeling that I had that she wanted to be with someone else)

If I had the chance to have a relationship and I really liked the person I may have done the same as she did. 

I think we need to try with a clean slate. I am uneasy and I feel sick about it, but I do think we can work it out. We are not moving back together as we both have separate new leases in different towns. So it cant hurt to try to work it out right?


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If you are separate and in different towns, how will you know if she is being faithful (again)?

Why do you think it would be any better this time? Already she has refused to change, seems to have no remorse, and is telling you all these things YOU need to change.

Are you do desperate for someone that you'll put up with her?

And what if she decides to have a little more on the side? Will you continue to allow her to cheat and take her back?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Its your situation do what you think is right for you. Good luck and Merry Christmas . 
BTW get counseling, make it better than it was or what is the point.

Read "His Needs Her Needs" together. You will like it. The trouble with marriage is communication. Like when a dog tries to talk to a cat. LOL


----------



## Walt (Jul 17, 2011)

confused7777 said:


> I am uneasy and I feel sick about it, but I do think we can work it out. We are not moving back together as we both have separate new leases in different towns. So it cant hurt to try to work it out right?


No, it can't hurt if you enjoy wasting your time.

Sorry confused7777, but she doesn't seem remorseful, nor eager to go back to you. You are marginally better than the other guy due to your history together.

She'll be bored with you soon and you'll be wondering what you did wrong. (This isn't your fault, btw.)

Try the 180. Live on your own, let her be. Check your pulse in a few months. If you're still interested, then give her a call.

Best of luck.


----------



## confused7777 (Dec 10, 2011)

She has been more remorseful, finally breaking down when I walked to the door with my coat on and insisted that she tell me the truth. She said she had been telling the truth and I could go if I really wanted to. I was reading into her being untruthful too much, like I said her story has never changed. She has also agreed to make changes so that we will be better. but idk... time will tell. Wish me luck shaggy, I'll keep this updated.


----------



## confused7777 (Dec 10, 2011)

crazyconfused I like what you said. Does the light of the past two posts I made change anything that you said or am I being delusional?

I mean, that we both filed together and that if I met someone that I liked I would have done the same to her. I think we are in sync in that way. We both felt and most likely would have done the same given the same opportunity.

I know that I am out of my mind and not thinking clearly that's why I posted here in the first place. Your collective experiences are extremely helpful.

She also suggested that if I was uncertain that I should date other people and see how I felt about her after that.

Her having a physical relationship with someone after we filed for divorce doesn't seem like a good enough reason to end a 16 year relationship. I know happy couples who have been through cheating while married and while we technically were, we both had assumed it was over...


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Good luck, trust but verify, and if your gut starts talking listen!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

confused7777 said:


> My wife has kept things from me because I get angry when there are problems for quite some time. I've also known that she wanted to try someone else for the 'experience' so I had become controlling, not wanting her to go to clubs etc. She has since left me and we have filed for divorce 1 month ago. We have been intimate since.
> 
> Now she says she has slept with someone else but wants to come back to me and has no thoughts of anyone else anymore. Can I trust her? Is this something we needed to go through, we have been together for 16 years and have 3 children. As far as I know she has never been with anyone else and neither have I.
> 
> I don't know how to feel about it. I mean I expected it and I also expected here to come back to me. She was honest about it, but... Does this seem normal/natural?


No doubt this is a hot topic, but I will reply before I read the other replies.

No you cannot trust her. She was unfaithful to you already. Trust is broken. No this is not something that you had to go through. Being cuckolded is not a normal thing that couples should go through. 

As far as you know she has been faithful before. But you really have no idea. There is nothing honest about a partner pruposely being unfaithful. It is very cruel and demeaning.

Me? Total deal breaker.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

confused7777 said:


> shaggy, Thank you for your response. She had set up on a dating site right after she left me and dated several men, sleeping with one twice after three dates. or so the story goes.


Ah so. She was unfaithful to you with several men. This was not some emotional affair that had gotten started but a blatantly excuse to go f^ck some other men. 

So the story goes ....

Just like she never was unfaithful to you before.


----------



## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Sorry dude, but I'm not buying it. She told you that if you two don't work out, she'll go back to him? REALLY?!?!?!

Yeah, that shows me complete dedication on her part to me! :scratchhead:

None of this was your fault! You said that if you found someone you liked, you could understand how she would have no problem filing. So, you kinda understand? Is that your bases of forgiveness? DUDE!!! You are married! SHE is married! Another person shouldn't have to BE a factor in something like that!!! Sorry dude, she just seems so...blaise about letting you go.


----------



## confused7777 (Dec 10, 2011)

perhaps it is denile (most likely) but how is it unfaithful to see someone (date, have a relationship and yes sex) after you file for divorce. Though you are technically married, you have declared on paper that you no longer wish to be together?


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

So IF this is for real what just happened and is happening?

She put you on notice that she calls the shots. She decides who she f^cks and when she f^cks. She has another guy she has screwed on the side right now. She can go to him anytime she wants. This was a cruel power play and a redefining of the marriage with her in control. She has positioned you as a cuckold. She has been disrespectful, unfaithful and cruel to you. She has positioned herself to do whatever she wants when she wants. Anything else is YOU being controlling when in reality she is the controlling one. She is demeaning you and is choosing you for one very good reason. She can can have you support her and her children AND have other men anytime she wants.

The cruelty has only just begun.

You mention that you have had to be "controlling" so she had to leave to be able to f^ck other men. Now you are to take her back and not care if she wants to do this or not. 

You left out the details of what she put you through before all of this happened. Why you knew she wanted another man. This did not just come up one day. You guys struggled with her being unfaithful already. You call it honestly when she is brave enough to be in your face and take your nads from you. She is just in your face honest. She has no reason to be dishonest.

IF this is for real, you should run away. Now. Work on yourself and be a good father. Find a woman who is excited to be with you. Just you.


----------



## confused7777 (Dec 10, 2011)

ok,

the history is that we met 16 years ago and have only been with each-other. I have been kind of an ass hole, I have to admit. Yelling at her, putting her down, talking to her like she was stupid, for many years. I was distant and verbally abusive, i can't deny it. 

She was very depressed and sometimes couldn't get out of bed somedays and I tried to 'fix it' but by doing so I became worse. 

She had suggested that she had never been with another man at one point and we had role played the scenario several times. I thought that I would be willing to find another man for us so that maybe she would feel better by fulfilling one of her 'fantasies' she however choose to email and call a friend of mine for this which I did not approve. I told her to stop contacting him and she did anyway. I became very upset and was verbally abusive for about 6 months. we fought for hours a day and both decided to call it quits.

we separated and she then set up on a dating site, she talked to and went out on dates with three men. the fourth one she had talked to for a while online and over the phone and decided to meet. they went to a movie, out to eat and on the fourth date (one week after we filed for divorce and three months after we separated) she slept over at his house, then went back a second time to have sex again. She said she liked it but did not like the relationship as much as the one we had.

This is as thorough and honest as I can think to be, please ask me any questions if you think it would help....


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

confused7777 said:


> perhaps it is denile (most likely) but how is it unfaithful to see someone (date, have a relationship and yes sex) after you file for divorce. Though you are technically married, you have declared on paper that you no longer wish to be together?


Because you are married until the the divorce is final and you are no longer married. Because the divorce process is designed to take time to allow couples to cool off and R. Because she used filing for divorce as a tool to legitimize cheating. She already knew this guy and wanted to take it to the next step. She filed and had her fling knowing that you would take her back.

If you take her back without it being acknowledged that what she did was wrong, she will use filing again the next time she want to sleep with someone. She has no remorse. You are giving her an easy tool to cheat. It costs less to file for divorce then to plan a secret weekend with a lover, and she gets to do it in your face in the open. You are so beta and she knows it.


----------



## confused7777 (Dec 10, 2011)

She is describing it as a rebound and that it isn't something she would want again.


----------



## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

confused7777 said:


> perhaps it is denial (most likely) but how is it unfaithful to see someone (date, have a relationship and yes sex) after you file for divorce. Though you are technically married, you have declared on paper that you no longer wish to be together?


Gosh, it is really rare to see a husband defending his wife after she cheated on him. But I think it is really good that you have this justification lined out. When she does it to you again, you'll feel much better about it.

Instead of reading Married Man Sex Life, I think perhaps a Google search of the term "Cuckold Lifestyle" will get you the reading material that will help you build your version of a happy union.

You know what? I think your wife screwing around on you may be just what you needed! You nailed the title of your thread, dude!


----------



## confused7777 (Dec 10, 2011)

I do not want a Cuckold Lifestyle. She does not want to be with anyone else anymore. I feel like what she did was wreckless I don't want to punish my wife for a mistake but according to 99% of the responses I should just walk away. maybe i just will then.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

confused7777 said:


> She is describing it as a rebound and that it isn't something she would want again.


NEWS FLASH!!!! Cheaters lie and change history. Also, although she says that it is not something that "she would want again", in direct contradiction to this statement she has also said that "if I didn't want her she would go back to him". The lies just keep on spinning.

You are not getting it. We are not saying that you need to leave her. What we are saying is that you need to leave if she does not accept full responsibility for using the filing to cheat on you. She must show full remorse. No remorse means no true R. She must own up to the fact that what she did was wrong. 

She had sex with another man because she wanted to. If you take her back this will not sit well with you. You will start to see movies in your head of her doing things with the OM. You will feel worse than you have ever felt before. You will be angry at her. Unless she is remorseful and willing to do the heavy lifting to help you heal, you will not heal and this will eat at your soul.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

TRy said:


> NEWS FLASH!!!! Cheaters lie and change history. Also, although she says that it is not something that "she would want again", in direct contradiction to this statement she has also said that "if I didn't want her she would go back to him". The lies just keep on spinning.
> 
> You are not getting it. We are not saying that you need to leave her. What we are saying is that you need to leave if she does not accept full responsibility for using the filing to cheat on you. She must show full remorse. No remorse means no true R. She must own up to the fact that what she did was wrong.
> 
> She had sex with another man because she wanted to. If you take her back this will not sit well with you. You will start to see movies in your head of her doing things with the OM. You will feel worse than you have ever felt before. You will be angry at her. Unless she is remorseful and willing to do the heavy lifting to help you heal, you will not heal and this will eat at your soul.


:iagree:

If you robbed a bank and nobody came after you and you kept the money and lived a rich lifestyle would you not strongly consider doing it again when the money ran out?

No consequences mean no reconciliation.

Go to this page and watch the video 
Steps to Recover from an affair/infidelity in marriage


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

confused7777 said:


> She is describing it as a rebound and that it isn't something she would want again.


You must be well off financially. She has figured out that that is what she would most miss if she moved on to what she really is looking for.


----------



## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

To be honest with you brother i dont know if it does. Thats a line you have to decide for yourself. Keep what i said in mind. What your willing to accept now, you may not be willing to a few weeks, months down the road. Only you can make that decision. Ultimately YOU are the one the one that has to live with yourself. 

I know its not the simple yes or no answer you wish someone could give you. Thats the trouble with situations like this. What you may be able to accept, i would not and vice versa. 

Can you go on a trip? Get away for a week. Spend sometime away from her and everything else. Alot of times that belps clear your head. Gives you good perspective
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

confused7777 said:


> She is describing it as a rebound and that it isn't something she would want again.


And yet she stated to you that if things don't work out between the two of you, she can go back to him.

Look, I realize that this is an advice forum and all we can do is offer advice. This is your life and you make those choices for yourself. But, I will say this. If you stay with her with her current attitude towards your relationship, you're probably in for a world of hurt.


----------



## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

Do you really want sloppy seconds? Honestly.

I think the best you could hope for with this woman is an open relationship. What happens when the next hot guy walks past? She's going to leave you and go and see if what he's got is better than what you've got, so to speak. Always sussing out an opportunity.

Doesn't make any difference what kind of marriage you THINK you have, it seems like if it involves this woman, its always going to be an open one (whether you know about it or not).


----------



## confused7777 (Dec 10, 2011)

Thank you all for your help. I have seen her again and talked to her. She doesn't think that what she did was wrong, that we had both decided it was over and she was moving on. She says she is trying to be honest with me and never lie again even if a lie would make me feel better.

She cried and had remorse that I am sad about it and that it hurts me. She says that I should go out with other women and that she doesn't want to deny me a greater happiness.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

confused7777 said:


> Thank you all for your help. I have seen her again and talked to her. She doesn't think that what she did was wrong, that we had both decided it was over and she was moving on. She says she is trying to be honest with me and never lie again even if a lie would make me feel better.


She couldn't wait for the divorce to be finalized before indulging in something she had shown an interest when the two of you were together - have sex with another man. Now she wants to come back and pick up where the two of you left off.



> She cried and had remorse that I am sad about it and that it hurts me. *She says that I should go out with other women and that she doesn't want to deny me a greater happiness.*


But for this to be a morally sanctioned deed, you would first have to finalize the divorce. *Is she willing to become your ex-wife so that you can go out with other women and experience 'greater happiness' and afterwards get back with her again?*


----------



## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

confused7777 said:


> Thank you all for your help. I have seen her again and talked to her. She doesn't think that what she did was wrong, that we had both decided it was over and she was moving on. She says she is trying to be honest with me and never lie again even if a lie would make me feel better.
> 
> She cried and had remorse that I am sad about it and that it hurts me. She says that I should go out with other women and that she doesn't want to deny me a greater happiness.


 She doesn't think what she did was wrong? You were seperated, not divorced. She slept with a guy that isn't her husband, that's cheating; that's wrong!!!

You should go out with other women to find greater happiness? Ah Geez, Pack our bags! We're going on a guilt trip!!!!


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

confused7777 said:


> She cried and had remorse that I am sad about it and that it hurts me.


If she said that she was sorry that she did it, that would be remorse. Her feeling bad that you are sad is not the same as being remorseful for her actions. She openly has zero remorse for having sex outside of your marraige and will do it again. If she wants to cheat again, she believes that there is nothing wrong with doing so as long as she files for divorce and tells you about it. Being open about it is not the same as being honest.

All marriages have bumps in the road. Some of these bumps will be your fault and some will be hers. When she finds someone that she is attracted to, instead of working on the marriage, she now has a formula that allows her to have sex outside of your marraige. If you take her back without true remorse for her actions, you are agreeing to this. She is being very open with you about this too. This is how she really feels. The question is how do you feel about it? 

She is pretty much saying that what you think does not matter to her. That if you do not like it, too bad because she can always go back to the OM. Since she has a relationship with another man while still being married to you she has other options that you do not have so she feels in control and has no reason to be remorseful or to help you heal. She is clearly giving you a take it or leave it offering where she has another man as an option. If you agree to her terms, this will end badly for you.


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

confused7777 said:


> I had become controlling, not wanting her to go to clubs etc.





confused7777 said:


> She would say that I was controlling...That I interrogate her and don't let things go and don't give her the freedom to be her.


Sorry to interject my issue here, but I was curious how often she went to the clubs. What were the circumstances around that? How does her clubbing fit into future plans together?

I know that a lot of people disagree with me here, but if it was frequent, it is more than likely her itch for other men incubated itself here. I'm guessing she even dipped hoer toe in the "strange" water a little as well. Do you think she will still want to hang out at meat markets once she comes back? 

If it were me, "no clubbing" would be a non-negotiable boundry. A married woman who has expressed a desire to free her unfulfilled side is a ticking bomb in the sexually charged atmosphere of a pumping dance club.


----------



## confused7777 (Dec 10, 2011)

morituri said:


> *Is she willing to become your ex-wife so that you can go out with other women and experience 'greater happiness' and afterwards get back with her again?*


That's what she saying yes...


----------



## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

You have your answer brother. Its that simple... what you need to do now is pick yourself up off the floor and move on. Nothing will hurt her more than you living well...your first task is to get your balls back. Join a gym, prefferably crossfit. Train your body so hard that your muscles hurting drowns her out. Throw yourself into somethi g else too. Plan your days out in advance so you dont have a free momment.

I will tell you what helped me out immensly. I took two weeks off of work and went home to my parents. Spent most of the time in deer camp. I chopped wood, i hunted and cooked things over the fire. It was brutally cold. I lived like a damn man. But the remote country and the solitude and harsh enviroment reminded me of who i was, and if i could survive out there, i could survive her...that may not be your thing, people are different, but you get what i mean..find something you can latch your soul and self worth onto and the rest will follow...

And always remember, it says nothing about you as a man that your wife did this, but it does say something about you as a man in the way you handle it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

crazyconfused said:


> And always remember, it says nothing about you as a man that your wife did this, but it does say something about you as a man in the way you handle it
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:


----------



## confused7777 (Dec 10, 2011)

Thank you!


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

confused7777 said:


> That's what she saying yes...


Sounds like BS to me but then you know her better than anyone.


----------



## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

7777: Take control!!

Tell her no internet. She MUST lay you everyday. She must answer your texts within 5 minutes. Put a GPS tracer on her phone and car. Tell her that you are doing it. You will not accept anything less. SHE WANTS YOU TO TAKE CONTROL. She wants you to put her in her place. Her BS and lies are a TEST. Don't fail it. She is deliberately seeing what you will put up with. You are constantly telling her that she can do whatever she wants. 

I don't care how hot she is or how ugly you are. DO NOT LET HER WALK ON YOU. There are other women out there. I am the dorkiest SOB on the planet. I can get someone who would treat me better than this. You can too. You have alternatives. 

Dude, she has not given you squat for your trouble. She is asking you to take her back. DEMAND things of her. You have to stand up for you. You don't care what her excuses are. Demand what you want and what you need. If she cannot comply, cut her loose.


----------



## confused7777 (Dec 10, 2011)

I Know said:


> 7777: Take control!!
> 
> Tell her no internet. She MUST lay you everyday. She must answer your texts within 5 minutes. Put a GPS tracer on her phone and car. Tell her that you are doing it. You will not accept anything less. SHE WANTS YOU TO TAKE CONTROL. She wants you to put her in her place. Her BS and lies are a TEST. Don't fail it. She is deliberately seeing what you will put up with. You are constantly telling her that she can do whatever she wants.


What a HORRIBLE relationship that would be. Not only would it be a full time job for me to do that but she would have to live as some type of prisoner.

I think that she did this after we both agreed that it was over and while this has been a difficult decision I think that I am going to take her back and trust her.

It was very tempting to just move on but my family needs me and she needs me. This feels like the right thing. 

I have read that I am not a good man if I take her back and that I don't have any balls, but I think quite the opposite. To forgive and work on my family feels like it makes me more of a man. It would be easier just to move on.

Thank you all for your input, I really do appreciate it!


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Considering who little either of you have dated , I can't help but think that you both would really benefit from some relationship and communication coaching. Not religion based stuff which tells both of you what to do according to someone's interpretation of scripture, but real training based on psychology and science.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## confused7777 (Dec 10, 2011)

Shaggy, I agree 100%. I have contacted one for an appt.

And while I have stated that I am going to take her back, she is making this much harder by not giving me something to forgive her for i.e. she does not regret doing it....  I think she will come to regret it as we go.


----------



## Walt (Jul 17, 2011)

We are all rooting for you - whichever direction you choose. Personally, I think you are moving too fast to R, but only you know all the details of your situation.


Just keep you eyes open - you have a long and bumpy road ahead.

Best of luck.


----------



## speakingforsomemen (Dec 12, 2011)

you got a get out of jail free card Dude, come on, live it up!


----------



## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

confused7777 said:


> What a HORRIBLE relationship that would be. Not only would it be a full time job for me to do that but she would have to live as some type of prisoner.
> 
> I think that she did this after we both agreed that it was over and while this has been a difficult decision I think that I am going to take her back and trust her.
> 
> ...


Sigh. 7777 She is going to cheat on you again unless you show her that you are not believing her BS. 

Totally not saying you have no balls. I'm saying you have the ability to take control and turn the relationship into something that you want, on your terms. 

I've been in your shoes. I seriously wish you all the best. Sounds like you could use a break :smthumbup:


----------



## confused7777 (Dec 10, 2011)

All for not, she doesn't want me back now


----------



## confused7777 (Dec 10, 2011)

I made too big of an issue out of her sleeping with someone she was dating when we both had decide it was over. now she doesn't want me anymore.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

So be it. She was just BSing you. Let her go fvck with another man. She is is going have to deal being nothing more than a fvck buddy. Something most women want naught.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

confused7777 said:


> I made too big of an issue out of her sleeping with someone she was dating when we both had decide it was over. now she doesn't want me anymore.


Wow, she's quite a piece of work isn't she!

This really reveals how much she actually respects the way you feel and think. She wanted you, sort of back, but only 100% on her terms: No consequences at all for her leaving you to cheat. None. Not even an apology from her. That was asking too much.

Frankly, I think the OM has somehow sweetened the deal and she decided to give him another roll in the hay. 

the whole way she suddenly switched from being gone, to wanting back really reeked of you being the fall back in a lovers tiff between her and the OM. 

Maybe the OM is married and had gone back to his wife and kids to try and work it out? Maybe his wife caught him contacting your wife again, and dumped him out - thus making him once again available to her.


----------



## confused7777 (Dec 10, 2011)

Well well well. I went over there this am, because a text breakup just doesn't seem right and she had already texted her xbf. So those of you who said so, you were right. 

I am good looking and I just moved into a sweet ass apartment with a 22nd story view and attached to a YMCA. I am all set up to move on. I just thought I owed it to my family to try everything I could.


----------



## Wolfgar (Nov 15, 2011)

Ya she doesn't seem like she's worth the trouble, there's something wrong with a girl that does what she does and has zero remorse for it. If you did R, there's a 99.9% chance she'd just do it again. Give it sometime and you'll begin to understand that you're better off without her...right now your afraid to lose her and your emotions are clouding your judgment. I'd be willing to bet anything, that after you move on, start living your life without her and realize what you've been missing out on...she'll get tired of being used up and spit out by every guy she dates and come running back to you, begging to take her back. Sadly, people want what they can't have and it's easy for them to not appreciate what they do have until they've lost it. Than when you have the power in this relationship and she's truly remorseful, you can decide to take her back...or not. 

Like most have said on here, the best advice anyone can give you is to have respect for yourself, stop being her doormat, and be a man. 

Good luck


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw find out if the BF is married. He may very well be. You know what to do if he is....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Sorry Bro, but people tried to warn you. Everything you were telling us screamed that she was not remorseful for her actions at all.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

A couple of thoughts.

1. You actually showed her you have a spine and self respect. That you weren't so greatful to have her back that you'd accept anything.

2. OM is now the second choice fall back guy, not you.

3. You got her to show her true colors and you did it before you wasted much more of your life.

4. You seriously dodged this second bullet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## confused7777 (Dec 10, 2011)

my brother said something very apropos to me. He said, if your asking advice, you already know the answer but you are in denial.


----------



## confused7777 (Dec 10, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> A couple of thoughts.
> 
> 1. You actually showed her you have a spine and self respect. That you weren't so greatful to have her back that you'd accept anything.
> 
> ...


Shaggy, I groveled on the floor to have my family back.

The other points I agree.  

To better days.


----------



## confused7777 (Dec 10, 2011)

I will never take her back now.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

What a strange turn of events in the last 16 days. It seems to me that if my STBXW had issues with me sleeping around during the divorce and I really wanted to work it it out. I would have taken the hard road in dealing with my wife in "making a big issue" about me sleeping with some chick.

If I really wanted the M, I would have stuck it out....your wife didn't so that speaks volumns.

I quess my point is if you really want someone, then you will help that someone deal with that "big issue". Even if she isn't going back to the OM (which she mostly likely is), she didn't want to do the heavy lifting to keep the family together, and that heavy lifting was working with you and helping you get past that "big issue".

I'm thinking it wasn't worth it for her to settling for this heavy lifting. You are a lucky man in that you did in a small way make her face a consequence of having to face the "big issue" there by finding out what she is now made off.

You may not realize it and many posters didn't see it but you infact created a consequence within the last 16 days, and she wasn't willing to face it. So yes and you already know this "NO REMORSE"

In a small way you prevented this from being swept under the rug by having that "big issue" and with rug sweeping she would have cheated again just latter down the road.


----------



## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

You just gotta face it...its done..it sucks and it will stay with you for a long time, but you will be better off because of it...one word for you...

UPGRADE
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

