# Wife wants to Seperate



## Lostwithouthope (May 17, 2013)

So long story short me and my wife have had a rocky few months, and this weekend my wife decided that we should have marital break, she wants to move out by the end of August and start again fresh. This would obviously mean going back to my parents. Kid is also involved so it makes things more difficult.
So how did this all start, since the beginning of April I started going to the gym, as I put on loads of weight and didn’t feel good about myself, but my wife never noticed it or supported me through weight loss or even made any comments, I felt unsexy so I would hit the gym 4/5 times a week and lost lots of weight so I gained more confidence, the bedroom department also lacked as with my wife she would never initiate anything romantic it would normally be “hurry up get it over a done with” or just lying there, this again caused sleeping on the sofa and more resentment. When she would plan a romantic night I looked forward to it, but instead I would come home from work to help out with some garden equipment, have a takeaway and then wham bam, she would fall asleep after “nice”.
Tried talking to her didn’t work as she would get rather defensive, I would use the “I feel statement” and her response would be “it always my fault”.
I made the silly mistake of flirting with a girl and receiving some emotional attachment, it was good to feel validated again and receiving compliments about my figure. She was also married with children so I knew that we were both missing emotional attachment, this lasted over 3 months. My wife used my phone last week to call her mother and then she read my messages. Since being together 5 years we have both flirted with different people admittedly I have done this 4 times in the past, and during the discussion I admitted that what I done was unacceptable, but the reason was because of previous emotional / some physical abuse and the fact she has no time for the marriage which she admitted.
I have come to terms with my mistakes, and apologies and agreed that I will work on them to come to terms with my flirting, she said that since her nan passed she hates being in the house and that’s the reason she goes straight to bed, but I felt the resentment was because of me, at the moment I feel lost and hurt and obviously guilty for some of my actions. But I am having difficulty reading her body language, she keeps asking how I am feeling and she gets the feeling that I don’t really want her to move out we both mutually agreed, however I cannot force her to stay I said that if she wants to go then I have to accept it, because this is not what I want. Last night before she went to bed she lingered around for a little before saying night, as I am now sleeping on the sofa to give her space. 
Does she really want this? She wants to let the letting agents know that we are vacating the property before she has even got a place?
And planning the future that we can start from fresh and date, I keep explaining that we haven’t even left yet and should take things one day at a time.
Advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks
D


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

There is not a whole lot in your thread about what attracts your wife to this marriage. She feels emotionally deflated, she feels like second choice given your flirting, she's started flirting herself, and she has no time for the marriage. That's not good.

What does she want in a marriage? How do you improve her life with your relationship? Etc. Figure that out and start delivering. That's the only way she's likely to think you've changed.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

"flirting"...riiiigghhttt.

4 times in 5 years? what the hell man.

your wife sounds like she's done being a chump.


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## Lostwithouthope (May 17, 2013)

Apologies,

myself and my wife have had instances on flirting within the 5 years of being together. 

I accepted what I done was unacceptable.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Lostwithouthope said:


> I accepted what I done was unacceptable.


That's great. What does your wife think about all this?


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## Lostwithouthope (May 17, 2013)

I don't know.

I have deleted all numbers of any girls, and blocked them on FB.
but I don't understand why she keeps asking how I feel, for example last night she said we will sit down together and write up the letter to the landlords, but she hasn't even sorted a place yet. and instead she went for drink instead.

I said ok, I tried not to ask to many questions but apparently it was with her friends, she said she would be back by 10:30pm but didn't get back till 11:10.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You accepting doesn't mean all is well or that your wife will fall back into your arms. She knows you can't be trusted so she's detached. 

Stay single and you can do all the "flirting" you want.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Lostwithouthope said:


> I have deleted all numbers of any girls, and blocked them on FB. but I don't understand why she keeps asking how I feel


OP, maybe coming from someone else, it'll help:

You've emotionally cheated on your wife 5 times, she no longer trusts you based on this and she's about to walk out the door. How do you feel about this?


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## Lostwithouthope (May 17, 2013)

She said in our discussion, that she still wants us to be together and have a fresh new start. i.e. dating ect...

I know I have messed up, but it was down to not receiving any emotional or physical connection, I explained that men bond by being close to their wife which I missed, partly because I like to cuddle up, romantic, which she didn't want to do. she would rather sleep than have any romance or connection. this pushed me away and regret the way I dealt with it. We even done a pro's and cons list previously on how to work on our relationship but nothing never really materialized. She asked to do the pro's and cons list again but I refused that "actions speak louder than words".


I feel hurt, guilty and angry with myself.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Lostwithouthope said:


> I know I have messed up, but it was down to not receiving any emotional or physical connection, I explained that men bond by being close to their wife which I missed, partly because I like to cuddle up, romantic, which she didn't want to do. she would rather sleep than have any romance or connection. this pushed me away and regret the way I dealt with it. We even done a pro's and cons list previously on how to work on our relationship but nothing never really materialized. She asked to do the pro's and cons list again but I refused that "actions speak louder than words".
> 
> I feel hurt, guilty and angry with myself.


Next time you talk with your wife, I'd say what you wrote, but leave out all the stuff in silver. And I'd do the pro's and con's list.

I say this in as helpful tone as possible - your marriage is on life support and much of it is largely due to YOUR choices. Own it. Stop blaming her. Stop making excuses.

And tell her how you feel.

It sounds like she could really use that right now.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you two considered going to marriage counseling?

Also I suggest that you get the book "His Needs, Her Needs", read it together and work through it.

Your turning down her suggestion for a pro/con list was not so good. She's wanting to talk with you and perhaps work things out.. and then you shut her down. 

If I were you I'd apologize for saying no to the pros/cons list. Then tell her that you have the book and it's a very good way to work through this type of thing.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

So you were flirting, which resulted in giving her the green light to also flirt. Except now I'll bet that her flirting has escalated to the next step and she now has a boyfriend. That's why she wants to separate.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Cubby said:


> So you were flirting, which resulted in giving her the green light to also flirt. Except now I'll bet that her flirting has escalated to the next step and she now has a boyfriend. That's why she wants to separate.


On second thought, maybe not about the boyfriend thing. I wrote that before I saw that she requested that you two write up a "pro-con" list. That shows me she's interested in working on things. Why did you turn down her request?


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## Lostwithouthope (May 17, 2013)

Because we tried that before and it didn't work. Both of us agreed to try and work better at our marriage previously but go nowhere, I believe the flirting was a trigger for her to leave but not the main cause. She said that she was too afraid to tell me about her wanting to move due to her nans death the only place her nan didn't go was our bedroom, that I might think it was silly, but all this time I though the neglect was because of me.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It sounds like you two have a lot of work to do if you're going to save your marriage. I agree that MC is necessary. Separation while working to sort things out and starting over may be a good idea, but I suggest you discuss some ground rules for any time you are apart, which must include that neither of you contact or date anyone else, plus anything else that could help or hurt the process.


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## Lostwithouthope (May 17, 2013)

As we are living together for the moment, I can tell she is very detached, never saids I love you or even a kiss, which is really killing me inside.

How do I deal with this?


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## Lostwithouthope (May 17, 2013)

Have to agree with you guys that this is the end.

She asks if i spoken to my parents about the situation, and what they said, my parents being mutual don't get involved.

My reply was "just how feeling about the whole thing and that we should talk about it" she said that we already spoken about it, then she proceeds to rub it in my face about how she's been looking at places all day, and now looking at places in front of my face explained how expensive they are. 

What does she want from me..... talk about killing me inside.

I get it i have made a mistake but is this being harsh, if i was going to look for places i would do it in my own time.


My Daughter who is 3 is acting differently she didn't want to give mummy a kiss, i asked why she said "she said that she wants to stay with me and be my friend" i just broke down.


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## DannieM (Jul 14, 2014)

Your wife has a plan and has set a deadline for this separation - she is serious 

It's not always easy to see or admit ... but it sounds like the two of you have been emotionally distant for a long time and that she has finally learned to except it ... and is moving on.

I understand the heartache - married for 9 years with four children - and marriage is not well.

My advice is to let her leave as she wishes ... patience may bring her back to you - or it may even prove that you're happier with out it. 

Not knowing is difficult, but it is.


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## Lostwithouthope (May 17, 2013)

She is definitely serious, she said that she's been looking for places all day, but then she said that she will wait till November at the end of the tenancy.

I said that I will move out before most likely August "she asked why" I explained because it's killing me inside "again she asked what I meant" I explained that as we are now separated there is no kissing and cuddling I feel more like a room mate".

My W then said "what do you expect", then it came onto the question about our anniversary which is next week, I explained that I would leave it up to her as I don't want to put any pressure on her. I said that I will go out Wednesday W asked where I was going, I explained that I need to get out, I also said to my W that i will book some days off in July again "what you doing on the days off" if we are separated why does it matter?

W also said that when i move out i should still come back and cut her grass "WTF", Also turn her light off before she goes to bed.

W also tried to fall asleep last night in the same room as me, but when she came back down to find something she was half naked "bottom half", when she went back to bed it seem she halted in the hallway and said "you need to turn off the light"

Confused!!!!


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Lostwithouthope said:


> She is definitely serious, she said that she's been looking for places all day, but then she said that she will wait till November at the end of the tenancy.
> 
> I said that I will move out before most likely August "she asked why" I explained because it's killing me inside "again she asked what I meant" I explained that as we are now separated there is no kissing and cuddling I feel more like a room mate".
> 
> ...


How about her phone? Does she let you see it whenever you want or is she protective of it?
If I were you, I'd check to see if she's having an affair before you move out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostwithouthope (May 17, 2013)

This could be the case, last night she wasn't home until 11.30 when she finishes work at 10:00.

When she was naked, sorry for the pun there was a smell, but I think that's more to do with her hygiene, because my W doesn't wash regularly particularly in the private areas. I never raised it to my W because women are very sensitive about that subject. my W will sometimes go 2 /3 days without washing , this was one of the issue's I've always had particularly in the bedroom department.

Saying that she was had her hand over her private when her work clothes were on, what does this mean? body language wise?


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Lostwithouthope said:


> This could be the case, last night she wasn't home until 11.30 when she finishes work at 10:00.
> 
> When she was naked, sorry for the pun there was a smell, but I think that's more to do with her hygiene, because my W doesn't wash regularly particularly in the private areas. I never raised it to my W because women are very sensitive about that subject. my W will sometimes go 2 /3 days without washing , this was one of the issue's I've always had particularly in the bedroom department.
> 
> Saying that she was had her hand over her private when her work clothes were on, what does this mean? body language wise?


Get a VAR(voice activated recorder) and place in her car. You'll have your answers within a week.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostwithouthope (May 17, 2013)

So i was home early today, been in alot happier today feel more upbeat ect... My W asks "why are you in such a good mood", i basically said I'm sick of feeling like sh!t" i have come to accept my mistake and if dwell on what "what if" it's not going to change things. been tidying the house music going just being my old me, working on myself people are making general comments on my weight which i haven't had from my W (no not girls) work colleagues. 

The wierd thing about it she's following me around for example i went to the garden to put the rubbish out she will follow me to see what im up to?

if i dance with my daughter she would do the same thing?

She asked where i was sleeping? 

i didn't say anything because normally when i ask why, she will just say "Just Asking"???


My W also asked what time i'm going to my parents this weekend, to obviously sort moving arrangements.

I get the feeling that she is teasing me or playing hard to get, can't put my finger on it, why would you ask someone where your sleeping if you already now the question.

when i'm the laptop "what you looking at" houses"?

i mean "WTF"


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## NewToHeartBreak (Jul 8, 2014)

"...I admitted that what I done was unacceptable, but the reason was because of previous emotional / some physical abuse..."

If this is actually the reason you cheated (Flirting by txt is cheating) have you confronted her about it? Or was it not that bigger deal and you just using it as an excuse for your behavior?


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## Lostwithouthope (May 17, 2013)

Update:

Saw my parents at the weekend for some guidance, long story short they felt the situation has gone to far and Yes they were not happy with what I done, they were Also not happy with my wife keeping on a thread and not making decision. My parents are very old fashioned using the phrase “you are either with someone or you’re not” and quite specifically stated you need to Man Up, with her going out every night has got to stop and she needs to make a choice to either work at your marriage or go your separate ways, as it a 2 way thing and it’s not going to work. The other thing they mentioned that I do not need to prove to their parents that they you are sorry, it’s between you 2.
With the advice I had I made a decision and went for it, so we sat down and told it how it was, I didn’t want the separation and that either we work it out or I’m gone, at first she was hesitant but agreed to work at it. The only thing she did say was that she would not be all Kissy & Cuddly.

So I need to know some things.
•	How to Man Up more a particularly with her going to see friends every evening?
•	Reconciliation an Intermacy.


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

Lostwithouthope said:


> Update:
> 
> The only thing she did say was that she would not be all Kissy & Cuddly.


Take the advice from some of the previous posters, do the var thing and start snooping, sounds like she has a boyfriend.


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## Lostwithouthope (May 17, 2013)

Lordhavok said:


> Take the advice from some of the previous posters, do the var thing and start snooping, sounds like she has a boyfriend.


Really, 

to have a bf inbetween her FT job during the day and evening, and looking after our daughter.

This has a lot to do with SEX, and how previously she used to use it as a dangling carrot. if you do XYZ we can make love.

She has a lot of insecurities and trust issues, so I am doing the Sex reset, no love making, just kissing cuddling, no touching only make her feel special, compliment her. Do normal chores without expecting anything. 

it's getting the power to be natural and not one sided, and to make us both contribute to the marriage.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Lostwithouthope said:


> Really,
> 
> to have a bf inbetween her FT job during the day and evening, and looking after our daughter.
> 
> ...


Rule it out.
You are here for a reason.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Lostwithouthope said:


> Really,
> 
> to have a bf inbetween her FT job during the day and evening, and looking after our daughter.


It's been proven over and over on this forum that cheaters don't need much time to squeeze in lovemaking sessions. The cheater is a lot of things, including being very resourceful.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

mmslp


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

tom67 said:


> Rule it out.
> You are here for a reason.


I smell the ramp up phase. She I shining up ' the goods' to get them ready for when she has her own place. I think revenge is the motive but is plan B'ing the original poster.

She may already have her target.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

When she starts dressing better, or she suddenly stops talking about some guy from work she has her intended target.

When she start s acting secretive with her phone...


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"Since being together 5 years we have both flirted with different people admittedly"

So she has previously flirted with others as well?

There is no excuse for your crappy behavior, but why does hers get a free pass?

And I would not be so quick to dismiss the possibility of her wanting to separate cause she has a bf already if she has also been inappropriate with OM in the past.


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