# Knight in shining armor..again



## the wife1962 (Mar 9, 2016)

I am new to this forum. I just found it, by searching for the KISA.
I married one, and had no idea how things would develop so badly.
Now, per 2015, we are both dealing with the damage he has done by feeling the compulsion to "rescue the damsel in distress". To the tune of $8,000.00. Lying to me and sneaking around. Her, the OW, pretending to be my friend while declaring she had no intention of being the OW.
I got confirmation on Dec 14th, 2015, about it all. All the while he and she, were denying such a thing was occurring.
DH and I are trying to go forward and repair the damage. The OW is blocked. NO contact. 
Unfortunately, she lives and works just scant miles from where he works in that other town.
I don't trust her. I am trying to rebuild trusting him. I just need emotional support and learning if and how to deal with it all. :crying:


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Sorry, W62

AGEs? Length of marriage(s)?

You say KISA again, same partner?

Was it an EA or PA?

What facts do you know? What are your plans, near term, long term?


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

i think more details are needed to properly give feedback.

so your husband is a compulsive KISA and found some damsel to rescue and spent 8K on her of your community money?
what was this 8K he spent? tell us more about this damsel in distress. maybe she's not as distressed as it would seem.
was it a physical affair or emotional or both? is this is first time, and if not, how many others?

that's for starters.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

the wife1962 said:


> I am new to this forum. I just found it, by searching for the KISA.


Sounds like you should be googling STBXH rather than KISA...


----------



## the wife1962 (Mar 9, 2016)

Age>53 me
59 him

married> July 2013

He is the knight in shining armor. He has this compulsion to rescue women he barely knows. Giving them $$, offering to let them come life with us. Etc.

EA from March 2015-Dec 2015
PA from Oct 2015-Dec 2015

I am pretty sure I have all of the facts. I was in communication the whole time with the OW, by text, phone as well as meeting her in person. He denied the whole time, but admitted later how she was telling him she loved him, can he loan her $$, she was asking to be intimate with him. 
He says he backed off 2x during those 10 months, but she both times re-initiated contact with him through texting. This was all going on while he was at work during the work week. His work hours are 5am to 230pm, M-F.

He had met her..the OW..as his bank teller. Therefore, weekly, she was seeing his paycheck. Then, in Feb 2015, she was fired. Of course, she immediately asked him for a loan. She is divorced with 2 teen boys.
They start texting daily, as well as phone calls, as well as him stopping by her house to ...? allegedly drop off some eggs.

I found out about the texting because one morning he left his cell phone at home. While he was calling me on my phone, from his work phone, to get the numbers of the boss and any employees who called....she sends him at text. At 630 am. "Good morning dear".

Platonic friends don't send those kinds of texts. At 630 in the morning.

Anyway, I confronted him that night when he got home. He got all angry, and said he was just helping a "friend" by giving her the $$. And how she talks to everyone like that. 

So.....I sent some eggs the next week, with a short note. Non-threatening. She proceeded to text me from then on, while telling me she had no intention of being the OW.

Things got progressively weird with my DH. I called him on his actions, and the fact that he was acting like a hormonal teen with a new g/f. He claims he backed off again. She re-initiated contact. Again. This time asking for sex.

I find out later he had been giving her $800.00 month, cash, dropped off at her car where she works...weekly. And not saying a word about it to me. Of course, neither did she. She had told him not to tell me about the $$, or the "I love you", and eventually the PA.

She was just doing this for financial gain. She would just whine that she needed $$. He would hand over the cash to her. 

In December, I was logging his laptop on (something he asked me to do for him, as it takes a while to boot up), and up pops the history of the last weeks texting. 
Sex is mentioned. As is sex toys. 

I confronted him in our phone conversation on his way home from work.

He claims he had fallen in love with her. Yet he denied it the whole 10 months. I had even asked him specifically if he was in love with her. He claims...he was "attached". Not "in love". He didn't admit the being in love part till he was to the point of getting disgusted with himself and her going flaky on him. 

She Sugar daddied him. And he refused to see it. Till I pointed it out to him. It was then that he admitted that she had manipulated him. He is very gullible regarding women. He has no personal boundaries. He hates telling women "NO". He is a people pleaser.

I give him credit for coming clean with it all, even if it was after the fact. He admits to using Omission in our relationship. I told him Omission is merely lying, under a different label. 

He admitted this was the worst he had ever allowed himself to be used. And that the young lady (33), was just like ex-wife #2. 

When all of this started, Feb 2015...he had just started doing excessive mandatory OT at work. Then, his 2 bff guy friends passed away, as well as his own father. It just really messed him up. It all went down hill from there. I could see it happening. I tried to warn him, talk to him, express my concerns about this EA going on with the young woman. He refused to listen. Other than feebly backing off the daily contact. I asked him why didn't he block her. 

He is very stubborn and prefers to learn the hard way.

He and I are trying to save our marriage. We did have a good relationship, before all of this occurred. But he is very confused on communication. How to do it, etc. 

The little red flags at the beginning of our relationship...(?)....I wasn't sure what I was even witnessing. He only tells me more information after this has occurred. 

We were not separated, nor pending divorce, no experiencing malcontent in our marriage. He was even going around telling his family how good I was for him and that this was the best marriage he had ever been in. 

Then...BAMMM!


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

like i suspected, she's not a damsel in distress and he's not a really a KISA.
he's not man enough to shoo her away. 

she's sounds like a ho and he's her sugar daddy. 

he's got a lot of work to do if he wants to be a real man.


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Why stay with him? Why consider working to rebuild trust with him? Do you have children with him?

How did you meet him? You are his third wife, correct? Been married about a year and he starts looking for someone else. 

There will be another... And another... And another. He can't sit still, he's got ants in his pants as my grandmother would say.

Got nothing to do with your cheating husband, but this woman is a professional con artist. fired as a bank teller should have been hubbys first clue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

"I give him credit for coming clean with it all, even if it was after the fact"


Sorry he gets ZERO points for credit. He admitted it after you found sex convos on the computer. Lets not make him out to be George Washington.

Death is a part of life, especially as we reach our golden years. Most of the rest of the world doesn't use it as an excuse to sex some young floosie- let alone someone who's supposedly a newlywed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

She is simply a safe hooker. Some men would rather pay for it.
Younger mother with two teens, works at a bank. Sure, he'll give her money and the money "shot" too. He is no knight in shining armor. 

I think YOU have a heart of gold and YOU are being taken advantage of.


----------



## the wife1962 (Mar 9, 2016)

I am just looking for how to deal with infidelity. It happens. To many marriages. Yes, I am aware he acted badly. 
Not every instance must end up in divorce court.
Thank you for your replies.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

KISA? Not so sure about that.

He sounds more like a "John".

I guess he could be both, though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Well it's not just the infidelity, as if that weren't bad enough, it is also the financial infidelity to the tune of at least $800 a month. You'd be better off if he had a gambling problem, at least he would hit a winner now and then. 

I will now bow out as it seems I'm not telling you what you wish to hear, but I wish you guys good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My ex-husband of many decades was similar. In my case, the OW played him for a very long time. I'll never know how much money he gave her over the years as he only ever admitted to what I could prove. 

Men like that aren't quick to change (as I know all too well). I believed my ex-husband when he said their "friendship" was over. But it just went underground. One day, decades after DD1, I had all the proof I needed and I walked away. Keep your eyes open. I didn't.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

the wife1962 said:


> I am just looking for how to deal with infidelity. It happens. To many marriages. Yes, I am aware he acted badly.
> Not every instance must end up in divorce court.
> Thank you for your replies.


He must either take off all passwords on his electronics or else give you the passwords.
He must hand over his phone any time you ask for it.
He must agree to MC and IC so you two can figure out how this is happening. 
He must agree to spending 10-15 hours a week with you. 
He should write a timeline of the whole thing - good for his humility.
He should write up how much money he's given her so he can see it all written down at one - good for his humility.
He must agree to never tell you to 'just move past it.'


----------



## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

Ok, read your other post that you are committed to staying together. I think what you are dealing with is essentially two counts of infidelity. The first is that of emotional or physical infidelity in which case Tundera's recommendations are a very good remedy. But there is a second infidelity here mixed in, lets call financial infidelity. If I were you I would treat that just as seriously and be just as hard a&&ed about that as the other kind. Keeping that in mind here are some other rules I would impose on him.

Complete Financial Transparency.
He closes all checking and savings accounts in his name and gives proceeds over to you to put in your account only.
Same with joint accounts.
He goes on a cash allowance today that you set.
You take over paying the bills, etc.
He agrees you make all financial decisions.
Any cash he has squirreled away he gives to you for the family cookie jar. That you hide.
He doesn't spend over $100 anytime without your permission 
He keeps one credit card for emergency use only. That credit card is in your name and he is the secondary user.

I know, I know he'll flip, he'll feel emasculated, he'll, he'll, he'll.........

look, here's the thing if he is truly remorseful, understands the depths of his betrayal and your embarrassment, and wants to save his marriage he'll do it. 

And if doesn't you'll have all the information you need to know to move forward.

Good Luck. Admire you willingness to stick with him. Hope he realizes how lucky he is.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

He's 59 years old and you're his 3rd wife. It isn't his first time at the rodeo but it appears to be yours.

Have you ever, in all your born days, asked a man (other than your husband) to buy some eggs for you?

He has no problem communicating how much? when? where?

His problem communicating with you is that stupid answers are getting harder and harder to come up with. Take the label of KISA off the table and substitute selfish d!ck in its place.

Note: I'm not telling you to divorce; in fact, I'm not suggesting any action on your part because it would go unheeded.


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

What is KISA???


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Knight in Shining Armor


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> Knight in Shining Armor


DUH, sometimes I don't see things. I was looking at your reply and wondering why is she repeating the title. :grin2:

My brain is not functioning too well. The paid meds are finally working. I am laughing at myself here.:smile2:


----------



## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Do you have your own job and money? If not, this would be a good time to start...

As his 3rd wife, you must see the pattern. This is a man who needs to be needed.


----------



## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

Reading your initial post makes me wonder which one of you has KISA syndrome. You seem to be under the impression that you can save him from himself.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

TW1962: They start texting daily, as well as phone calls, as well as him stopping by her house to ...? allegedly drop off some eggs.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________


Not possible. Women have the eggs. Men jump in the stream, paddle like crazy and attack the eggs. 

You got it wrong, in so many ways. You either have serious self-esteem problems or you yourself have a checkered past. One that allows you to look past his indiscretions. 

Or, maybe you are a Joan De Arc wife, a lady in Shining Armor, LKISA, ready to heal the WW male slugs that slither among us.

Whatever, you are mature and handling this well, I may add. Dunno.


----------



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

BetrayedDad said:


> Sounds like you should be googling STBXH rather than KISA...


BAM!!!


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Other than demanding complete transparency electronically and financially, I think you need to stop making excuses for him. He's freakin 59 years old and on his 3rd marriage. He knew exactly what he was doing when he entered into his little financial and sexual arrangement with OW. Part of reconciliation and change is to accept personal responsibility, no excuses. If there is even a hint of "But she chased after me and I just can't run that fast...", he's shifting blame for his affair onto her.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

MJJEAN said:


> I think you need to stop making excuses for him. He's freakin 59 years old and on his 3rd marriage. He knew exactly what he was doing when he entered into his little financial and sexual arrangement with OW.


Exactly, another "My cheating spouse is too stupid to realize they are hurting me" thread. @the wife1962, he knows EXACTLY what the hell he's doing. If you're looking for a fool to blame, look in the mirror for enabling his behavior. 

Stop being HIS fool, stop making excuses, get some self respect and dump this POS hubby of yours. He's not a KISA, he's a man wh0re and these sad diagnoses for his behavior you're making are cringe worthy.

Tell him to "KISA" your ass and serve him the damn divorce papers. He's a remorseless, serial cheat. There's nothing to salvage except maybe your dignity by getting rid of him ASAP.


----------



## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

You are his third wife. 
How many times have you been married?
Do you have any children?
Do you have a job and can you support yourself?
Are you financially dependent on him?

I read your newbie thread where you feel the responses here are hostile. I think you are misinterpreting that. People are seeing things differently than you- seeing the infidelity front and center. Not buying your view that your H is a KISA= "victim" of his kind character, soft heart, poor boundaries.

You are in denial IMO. She's 20 years younger than you and he was giving her $200 a week and got what he paid for.

(BTW, my ex is 60 and a highly promiscuous player. Our first and only marriage lasted 33 years. Years ago, he would have had some feelings of guilt and remorse about the behavior he is engaging in now. IME this kind of character defect gets worse and worse with aging. There is a reason two wives left your H. I pity the poor woman who gets blindsided into marrying my ex. I only hope she's a rich sugar mama because he doesn't have deep pockets after paying his C/S and alimony!)


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> Other than demanding complete transparency electronically and financially, I think you need to stop making excuses for him.* He's freakin 59 years old and on his 3rd marriage. He knew exactly what he was doing when he entered into his little financial and sexual arrangement with OW*. Part of reconciliation and change is to accept personal responsibility, no excuses. If there is even a hint of "But she chased after me and I just can't run that fast...", *he's shifting blame for his affair onto her*.


Very accurate. There is no excuse. No one has ever held his feet to the fire long enough to affect a change. Sad, that he is 60 and a user. What a waste.


----------



## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

I'll echo the same sentiments others have voiced.

Your hubby is no KISA. He's just a cheater. Who is paying his wh0re.

KISAs don't tend to be cheaters.

Have you demanded your H get an STD test?

Have you had sex with him while he was banging his wh0re? 

Have you been tested for STDs?????

Some hubby you selected. I'd be handing him D papers. Yesterday.


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Your husband is way too old at 59 years old, three times married, to not see his relationships as cheating. Not only having an affair, but also financially cheating and stealing from the marriage. You need to see a lawyer to protect your rights. The cheating will happen over and over again. He is giving money for sex.

You need to see a psychologist to build your self-esteem. You are tormented with the actions of your cheating husband. You need to walk away from this marriage with your head held high. Sorry that you are here, but I do not believe that your situation will get better.


----------



## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

ThreeStrikes said:


> I'll echo the same sentiments others have voiced.
> 
> Your hubby is no KISA. He's just a cheater. Who is paying his wh0re.
> 
> ...


KISAs tend to have very poor boundaries.......oftentimes leading to EAs and PAs. I speak from the perspective of a KISA.


----------

