# What do I tell my 4 year old son?



## jin (Sep 9, 2014)

Will be separating and getting a divorce soon from WW. What should I tell my son? He had mild autism which affects him to be very sensitive and immature. 

Not sure how to explain this to him. Is he to young to know the truth for now? 
Need to minimise his pain as best I can. 
I hope my WW will leave the house but not sure. 

Also are boys better off living with their Mom or Dad? Assuming both would be good parents ?


----------



## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I would consult a specialist in the field with this. Whoever is working with your son right now should be able to help you come up with a plan on how to tell him and how to proceed. I would suggest he stays with whoever will be staying at "home" and not move him out, at least for now. I would also suggest he stay with the parent that "gets" him most and who he's more close to. It's going to be stressful on him so, maybe even the parent that the is most patient with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Hopefully,.he can be treated like any other child. Get the opinion of good counselors that are experienced with this. Check with more than one and pick th e one you click with. Your son needs counseling for the divorce as do all kids going through divorce.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think he is to young to understand all of this.

Your best bet is to just keep reassuring him that you will always be there for him and spend the extra time he will need to make sure of that.


----------



## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

If there's cheating involved, then just state the facts in an age-appropriate way without editorializing it. Honesty without dumping your problems and emotional nonsense on the kid.

Mommy had a boyfriend, and people who are married promise not to have boyfriends and girlfriends, so we are getting divorced.

Better to know the basics of why than to go through life thinking families blow up for no good reason or that you are basically dishonest or that it happened because of something the child did.


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Being a child of four years who witnessed his father load his stuff in a suitcase and drive away not to be seen until nine years later.
I'm not sure how the autism might affect things, but the chance encounter that night when I was returning home from work was the first time I thought about him and his new girl friend since he left.


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Did your PI uncover the identity and whereabouts of the OM ? If your proof is now concrete, you need to tell your son a sanitised version of the truth - no ugly details - just that Mom doesn't want to be with you anymore and found a boyfriend while being married to you which is against the rules of a family and marriage.


----------



## jin (Sep 9, 2014)

I have name of the OM but not address or phone. Only proof I have is VAR. It's very hard to keep waiting like this. 

I will take advice from a counsellor on how to help my son.


----------



## jin (Sep 9, 2014)

*Re: Re: What do I tell my 4 year old son?*



hookares said:


> Being a child of four years who witnessed his father load his stuff in a suitcase and drive away not to be seen until nine years later.
> I'm not sure how the autism might affect things, but the chance encounter that night when I was returning home from work was the first time I thought about him and his new girl friend since he left.


Do you mean you never thought about your father once he left? You didn't miss him? That seems out of the ordinary.


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

jin said:


> Do you mean you never thought about your father once he left? You didn't miss him? That seems out of the ordinary.


Not when you know he hadn't given you any thought.


----------



## kalimata (Jan 29, 2014)

Jin:

The prevailing attitude among most therapists is that children should not be lied to, as they generally feel cheated if they find out the truth later. I agree with previous posters. Come up with a 'clean' version of the truth, and state it as a matter of fact the first time your son asks.

Don't need to get into any details, but just that "mommy was doing too many sleepovers" or "didn't want to be married to daddy anymore".

Autism can be brutal to deal with. Once you explain this to your son, he probably will have little/no emotion. Don't take this as a slight against you, I'm sure he will feel it deep down inside, but just has difficulties expressing his emotions to you.


----------



## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

Howdy Jin!



kalimata said:


> . . . .Don't need to get into any details, but just that "mommy was doing too many sleepovers". . . .



That is classic!

But seriously, take the following to heart:

“All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them.”
Galileo Galilei

Don’t discount what the Little Unit may or may not already understand. The human spirit is amazing and individuals with “handicaps” frequently amaze us “normal” individuals in what they can pick up because they utilize and rely upon sensory perceptions and cognitive functions that – in all seriousness – modern science is only scantly beginning to understand.

Hang tough my Brother – we are pulling for you!

Warm regards,

SpinDaddy


----------



## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

jin said:


> Will be separating and getting a divorce soon from WW. What should I tell my son? He had mild autism which affects him to be very sensitive and immature.
> 
> Not sure how to explain this to him. Is he to young to know the truth for now?
> Need to minimise his pain as best I can.
> ...


? You want your children to go live with your wife and OM? Are you serious?

Is it even a question you should be asking? Surely you want your kids to be with you?


----------



## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

I have two sons with autism around your son's age. Obviously, the disorder manifests differently in different kids, so I hesistate making generalizations. But if this was happening to me, I would not get into too much detail. I would emphasize that both you and his mother will always love him and be there for him, but that you can't live together anymore. I think he is probably unable to process much more than that. I feel bad for you and your son. Hopefully knowing he needs you now more than ever can give you the strength you need to get through this. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jin (Sep 9, 2014)

BobSimmons said:


> ? You want your children to go live with your wife and OM? Are you serious?
> 
> Is it even a question you should be asking? Surely you want your kids to be with you?


I absolutely want my son to be with me. It would kill me to see him live with WW and OM.

But I have to think what is in his best interests. He is so attached to her the mentally he might be able to better cope with me gone rather than his mother.



Anon1111 said:


> I have two sons with autism around your son's age. Obviously, the disorder manifests differently in different kids, so I hesistate making generalizations. But if this was happening to me, I would not get into too much detail. I would emphasize that both you and his mother will always love him and be there for him, but that you can't live together anymore. I think he is probably unable to process much more than that. I feel bad for you and your son. Hopefully knowing he needs you now more than ever can give you the strength you need to get through this. Good luck.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you. He is a high functioning autie very little manifestation and easy to manage. But he is very sensitive and it is so hard to see what this will do to him.


----------



## bluerunner (Mar 22, 2013)

I agree with Anon, there is no need for too much detail. One year ago I had to tell my daughter, then 5yo, that her dad was moving out. We kept it simple; mommy and daddy don't get along anymore and daddy is going to live in another house. We reassured her that we both loved her very much and we would both be in her life. We have put our differences aside (not easy, since he cheated TWICE) and she has adjusted very well. She sees her father almost everyday, he usually comes over and takes her to school and comes over in the evening to see her. Of course that means I see him more often than I would like but I do it for my daughter. We don't have the traditional every other weekend due to his work schedule but our current arrangement works well for us. The most important piece of advice I have for you is to set your differences aside and try to get along with your ex because it makes co-parenting much easier. It's not easy, but seeing your child adjust well and happy makes it worth it. The three of you are a team, your son's team.


----------



## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

You and your wife need to have a serious conversation on what to say to that question and be consistent. If you can't agree or come up with anything, see a professional. Don't put blame on other parent, in view of his age and condition, it seems very petty to me. You two have to get over your differences and concentrate your efforts on your son. I'm not saying either of you are doing that now, but have to be more vigilant than most with your child. Answer all questions, but keep it simple. He needs time and reassurance from both of you. Separations are always hard, yours is going to be even tougher. Best wishes to you and your family.


----------

