# somebody please help me



## shattered man

Its been 2 years about since i left my cheating wife......the kids all know and have forgiven her for the sake of moving on.....the loser she cheated with has money....lots of money and little by little is buying them off...it kills me inside...my girls were my life and little by little they are disappearing right in front of my eyes.....now....my 16 yr old has bought a car....i should be proud right....she saved and bought it.....but i dont believe that story...im sure HE helped her.....she didnt mention a single thing about wanting to buy a car to me at all.....so i never had any input....why do i even stick around this dump of an area if my kids dont care?? every single decision ive made since walking out on their mother has revolved around them 3 kids.....now i question it all......they lie to my face about whats going on.....they use me and my house and disrespect my rules.....i put the hammer down and they threaten to leave......im at a loss.....i thought i had beat back the depression from my marriage ending as it did now i have to weatch my kids walk away too.......HOW DO I LET GO OF ALL THIS!!!!!god forgive me


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## Anon Pink

Hold on there friend. Think about the age of your kids and remember that teenagers are inherently selfish little boogers! This isn't a character flaw, this is a developmental stage. 

Also, let's think of other possibilities that might be true other than the one that marginalized you and your valuable input. What else might be a possible reason for your daughter not seeking your input into the car she buys?


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## shattered man

i get the age thing shes 16 and USED to be like a best friend....she saved the money herself...supposedly....she asked her mom and boyfriend to take her and help her look at it.....reason??? No damn idea....ive been a mechanic for years.....hes a plumber.....you do the math there....


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## norajane

You stick around for the kids because they mean something to you. 

Their brains are still forming and they aren't adult enough to "get it" at this point. But, one day, they will be smart enough to see what was what, and will appreciate that their dad never gave up on them and never gave up on loving them and wanting to be near them.

Hang in there. Stay firm with your rules so they don't walk all over you. Stay firm because if you don't, they will lose respect. Again, they will not like it NOW, but later, they will see they had one parent who was looking out for their best interests. Never stop being the DAD; you don't need to be their FRIEND.


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## Flying_Dutchman

It's up to you to cater for your daughter's/kids' needs,, not the other way around.

If your ex and the OM are manipulating them and poisoning your relationships with them,, they'll wake up soon enough.

It might take a while but if you're consistant and supportive you'll earn their respect in the long run.

As a teenage divorce victim, you should expect some anger and distance from your daughter and the others. It's not her fault her parents turned her world upside down.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink

shattered man said:


> i get the age thing shes 16 and USED to be like a best friend....she saved the money herself...supposedly....she asked her mom and boyfriend to take her and help her look at it.....reason??? No damn idea....ive been a mechanic for years.....hes a plumber.....you do the math there....



That must feel terrrible! I can imagine how marginalized and completely discounted you must feel.

But, you still need to find other possibilities for why you weren't consulted. You still need to keep yourself together. 

You still need to recognize that your daughter is still a kid and wanted what she wanted when she wanted it! That's what kids do, that's how they are.


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## BrightEyes86

Teenagers are so material, she'll grow up and realize that material things don't replace a good relationship with someone. Maybe the ex and the OM _are_ trying to buy the girls' affection, but if all they're doing is buying things it'll be a short-lived shallow relationship. When they want some meaning and some good dad advice they'll be back. Don't put yourself down because you don't have the money to do the same thing, just keep loving them. Always show how much you love them without compromising your rules. It's love, not things, that make a good father-daughter relationship.


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## shattered man

before the divorce our house was the social hub all our daughters had friends over allll the time....i coached alot of them growing up basketball track etc....last night my soph daughter started her first varsity game and led scoring she played amazing i was on cloud 9 watching her....then as fast could be i was brought right down to hell again.....after the game my x and the om show up out of the stands and i watched as all the kids i spent time with flocked over to THEM....its no secret around the area what she did and how many marriages the OM has roughed up.....i was like the leper...tell me how do you overlook the small things that were taken......everyday something else pops up to undermine any progress i THOUGHT i had made.......


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## Pluto2

dude, you're ego was hurt by teenagers?

I'm sorry but stop. Your feelings are all over the place. It sounds as though you haven't separated your pain and anger from your WW's betrayal from the pain of a divided family. Are you really upset that the kids didn't flock to you, or is your anger towards your ex who you describe as being unmarked from the divorce.

Are you in therapy?


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## MarriedDude

Move. 

Get the hell out of that town.


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## Observer

I understand how you feel, believe me. I have to constantly remind myself my 16 year old does not fully get it. I suck up being the bad guy and dont tell him his mother was the one who had an affair since that is his mother.

Do you have anyone in your life romantically? If not, date. you need to remember you have a life too. Our kids cannot be the basis for our day to day happiness nor can they provide us with our emotional needs. first, they are not capable, Second, they grow up and have their own families. So...take care of yourself. Find somone you enjoy being with and be the best dad you can be. When they are adults and understand things, they will appreciate you being the good dad you are.


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## shattered man

pluto....you dont get it.....we did daycare for these kids....i was like a second father figure to these kids.....how would you take it?? wasnt an ego bruising...im not that vain....it was a sharp stick in the heart....
yes im dating a great lady....kids like her she likes the kids...all is well on that front.....after what this has taken out of me i dont have much emotilnally to offer her yet she is still here supporting me.....she hates that my kids treat me this way and has said give it time etc....heard that alot time....they will see what was important one day.....right.....whatever lessons ive taught them have been undermined....what ever discipline i offer is laughed at.....now with that said we have had SMALLLLLL strides but their moms free for all is hard to break out of them......its a losing battle no matter what i say or do


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## shattered man

i wish i could leave!!!


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## the guy

I think you should just let them go and in time they will miss what they took for granted.

Go spend some more time with the one that cares about you.

I'm not say go dark on your kids but pick your battles and once in a while drop them a line so they know you will be there when *they* need you.

You can't force this kind of thing so stop trying and what every energy you have left spend it with the one that appreciates it.

The funny thing about kids is what they thought they needed at 16 can change in a matter of 4 years and in 8 years they are completely different people with different needs.


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## Observer

Divorce is so common now and the kids are so use to it. It's not like when we were young. From their perspective, it's not a big deal. And remember that your kid is not only going through a divorce, she is a teenager..Good God, even without a divorce a 16 year old girl can be a nightmare. 

Kids always protect the mother, that's just how it is. My son see's his mother as a Saint when in reality she is the complete opposite. I let him have that though, it's his mom after all and it would only hurt him to tell him the truth. 

Glad to hear you have a great girlfriend, put your energy into that relationship though so you don't repeat past mistakes.


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## syhoybenden

shattered man said:


> i wish i could leave!!!



Then do it.

When they're ready they'll seek you out.

If they don't then, pffft. At least you won't be left twisting slowly in the wind the way you are now.

Live for yourself.


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## shattered man

i had to kids to raise them not abandon them....if its my lot in life to twist in the wind then so be it i guess.....

live for myself.....my ex wifes favorite quote....and look how well that is working out for everyone


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## the guy

I personally am not saying abandon your kids...but rather give them room to grow and learn that money can't buy love.
Sure a lesson learned the hard way for you, but one the kids have to learn.
In the end only their father will truly be there for them...it just sucks that it will take time for them to see this.


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## syhoybenden

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

And then,
when they get it, 
and when they're ready
they will seek you out.

It's tough love, and it's the only kind that will work here.


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## shattered man

may have found a job that will take me out on the road.....get me out of this place daily....and away from the small town BS....kids arent happy about my decision to consider the job at all....but at this point i need to make a few changes....money will be better which will take the financial handcuffs off......trade off.....less time with them....


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## NobodySpecial

I'm sorry. I don't get it. Why don't you sit your kids down and talk to them?


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## turnera

shattered man said:


> hey lie to my face about whats going on.....they use me and my house and disrespect my rules.....i put the hammer down and they threaten to leave......im at a loss.....


There's the problem.

They need a dad they can respect. 

If I ever threatened ANYthing like that to my dad, he would have asked me when I was leaving. Females have to respect males. You've taught them NOT to respect you by caving in. Stop it.

Next time they won't do what you say, pick up the phone, call your ex, and tell her to get over there and pick up the kids. In front of them.

And are you on antidepressants? Sounds like you need some for at least a few months.


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## tryingpatience

One positive is that you've been in their lives for a while. So you've had influence over them all this time. They will see that money doesn't equal happiness. I have a friend who is separated and her 8 year old daughter is constantly being spoiled (bought off) by her in-laws grandparents. At her age she sees through it already. I don't think the trade off with less time with them will help.


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## SamuraiJack

Kids generally see through the money trap.
Just keep loving them and stop beating yourself up about the money thing.

Kids TEND to be rather mercenary these days. 
I remember my daughter telling me all the advice she got from her friends. The most common theme was "Go with the Mom, you'll get more stuff."

They grow out of it though.


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## Hopelessus

What are some special things you and your daughter do together?


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