# Choses we make.



## marriedfor27years (Oct 29, 2009)

Choose. Everyone what's it but no one what's to live with the consequences of their chooses. The long term issues of selecting to be a home maker are most often: difficulty rejoining the job market, having to depend on the other person for income even after the kids are gone. This makes divorce even harder for both of you. So you want stay more because of money than for love. He wants sex and you want to chose not to have it. Just like you wanted to choose to stay st home. Either you have to compromise and find a way to enjoy more sex or leave. All chooses come with consequences. Leave or stay both have there issue. You can't have the cake and lose weight too. Make your chooses and live with them. Stop trying to change the rules in the middle of the game. We teach our kids not to do that. So why should we.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I have a term for this: Convenient Misery. You choose to do nothing because it is easier to do nothing. Find the courage for change.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

marriedfor27years said:


> Choose. Everyone what's it but no one what's to live with the consequences of their chooses. The long term issues of selecting to be a home maker are most often: difficulty rejoining the job market, having to depend on the other person for income even after the kids are gone. This makes divorce even harder for both of you. So you want stay more because of money than for love. He wants sex and you want to chose not to have it. Just like you wanted to choose to stay st home. Either you have to compromise and find a way to enjoy more sex or leave. All chooses come with consequences. Leave or stay both have there issue. You can't have the cake and lose weight too. Make your chooses and live with them. Stop trying to change the rules in the middle of the game. We teach our kids not to do that. So why should we.


Could we get a little context on this. And I don't know, maybe start at the beginning? 

I am not as smart as @Mr.Married...


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I don't think most people understand the full implications of what leaving your job and being a SAHP means. Most times the decision is made when childcare becomes a problem and it becomes an emotional decision. For most couples childcare is expensive and can take almost what one partner is making, so why not have one parent with the lower income stay home.

I have been a working parent until my DD entered Pre-K. Being a working mother is hard work. Going to work for 8 hours and coming home to do everything. My H's job is not 9-5. He works more like 10 to 12 hours those earlier years. Going to work and coming home to take care of kids, dinner, laundry and cleaning a house is HARD and stressful. I like a clean house and making sure my kids eat well. I had a stay at home babysitter who took care of my kids while I was working. She had the kids all day and I did not want her to do anything else but take care of my kids. My son had a lot of issues. She did do light housekeeping but my standards and hers were different. That's my issue.

Life was stressful as a working mum. As a stay at home mum, I had different issues. But my stress level was way down. Our lives were happier.

We made the choice for this decision because we were having problems within our marriage because of all the stress. Upon leaving my job we had different problems because I became lonely. I had to learn how to be me without the title of my job and how to make myself happy.

I have given up the prospect of earning a living in my most productive years. I am now over 15 years at home and would have to start at the bottom of my field. In finance the young are favored. 

I have not save towards a retirement from since when I worked. So, I have to depend on my H's retirement for my later life. (Thank God I know how to make money so that has not been a problem for us.)

Yes, I have depended on my H's income, so I don't complain about our standard of living because IF I find it to be not want I wanted, then, I can go do something about it. 

We have been able to do a lot of things because I am a SAHP, our lives have been much improved. My H can devote himself to his job as he wants to which has been beneficial to us. Our marriage is wonderful because I can take care of all the household stuff, so my H comes home to a stress free home. We have time to spend together and with our kids. 

I am lucky that I don't have to get a job now that our kids are older and in college. I have lots of time to make up for those years I haven't contributed to the household when I was running around with the kids. I have the ability to use my education and work experience to earn a living at home. Something that my H supports. 

So yes. The choices we make have life long impact on how we live and how our future will be. 

The most important thing is to know who your partner is...if he was verbally/physically/emotional/financially abusive before the kids or when the kids come, what makes you think that he will change when you give up your job and start to depend on him for everything? Can you really depend on him/her to support you.

As the SAHP, I don't expect my H to work long hours then come home to do housework. That's my job, I don't do his job, why should he do mine? Yes, he does help out on the weekends to do yard work or home repairs or go to do large food shopping. Because those are things that I need help with and he is good at home repairs and taking care of the yard. It's all about give and take.

I have enormous respect for my man because he has never once complain about working long hours. In fact, he has said over and over again that he is proud that he can take care of us. 

I support him and encourage him whenever he is going to do something. Even if he fails, he knows I have his back. I might slap his shoulder and say, WTF but I have his back.

I don't ever use sex to control him. We both work at our marriage to ensure we are on the same level. If one of us think that our needs are not being met...we discuss it and work on it.

We both make certain that we are emotionally available for each other. We are each other's number one priority, no one gets put before us. No friends, no family, no one. My H is one of those guys who needs to know his wife still finds him attractive and loves him. So, I am very demonstrative, so is he. We don't hold our emotions back. We love hard and our fights are very few and far between. But I am a moody woman and he gets that. When he gets in his dark moods, I let him be and just supply kisses on the head and lots of food.

I can't expect to not give anything and get everything in return. This is how we choose to live our lives. Now that I am older and been thru this, I have the gift of foresight and wish that so many young parents would just take some time to discuss this and state clearly their expectations. 

And if your spouse cannot be depended on, don't do it. 

Hope this is what the thread was about.>


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

I never make choses.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

We make choices every moment we are alive. Which is why honesty is the only thing we owe one another. Without honesty our choices are based on lies and bound to end up making us miserable. That is not to say a choice based on honesty won't do the same, but in the end you can only take responsibility for the choices that you have made. Hence the Golden Rule of Do Unto to Others as You Would Have Done Unto You.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

marriedfor27years said:


> Choose. Everyone what's it but no one what's to live with the consequences of their chooses. The long term issues of selecting to be a home maker are most often: difficulty rejoining the job market, having to depend on the other person for income even after the kids are gone. This makes divorce even harder for both of you. So you want stay more because of money than for love. He wants sex and you want to chose not to have it. Just like you wanted to choose to stay st home. Either you have to *compromise and find a way to enjoy more sex *or leave. All chooses come with consequences. Leave or stay both have there issue. You can't have the cake and lose weight too. Make your chooses and live with them. Stop trying to change the rules in the middle of the game. We teach our kids not to do that. So why should we.


This phrase confuses me. 

If you simply aren't one to enjoy sex no matter what, or if you don't find your spouse sexy, that's one thing. But if you can choose to enjoy sex, or anything for that matter, more, why wouldn't you? 

If you can enjoy something more, and you do it more, that isn't a "compromise." It's only a compromise if you do it more to get something in return (e.g. love, emotional intimacy, financial stability, peace or absence of abuse), in spite of not liking it. But if you find a way to like it, AND get those other things, that's more of a "win-win" than a "compromise."


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

marriedfor27years said:


> Choose. Everyone what's it but no one what's to live with the consequences of their chooses. The long term issues of selecting to be a home maker are most often: difficulty rejoining the job market, having to depend on the other person for income even after the kids are gone. This makes divorce even harder for both of you. So you want stay more because of money than for love. He wants sex and you want to chose not to have it. Just like you wanted to choose to stay st home. Either you have to compromise and find a way to enjoy more sex or leave. All chooses come with consequences. Leave or stay both have there issue. You can't have the cake and lose weight too. Make your chooses and live with them. Stop trying to change the rules in the middle of the game. We teach our kids not to do that. So why should we.


People make "choices". You might want to correct the word usage in this post as it detracts from what you are trying to say.

I'm not sure who you are lecturing here. Who are you accusing or making a "choice" not a "choose" to not have sex????? 

I'm also not sure that the topic of this OP meets the requirements for the Sex in Marriage forum since it sounds like a lecture and not you seeking to address an issue in your marriage.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

brooklynAnn said:


> I don't think most people understand the full implications of what leaving your job and being a SAHP means. Most times the decision is made when childcare becomes a problem and it becomes an emotional decision. For most couples childcare is expensive and can take almost what one partner is making, so why not have one parent with the lower income stay home.
> 
> I have been a working parent until my DD entered Pre-K. Being a working mother is hard work. Going to work for 8 hours and coming home to do everything. My H's job is not 9-5. He works more like 10 to 12 hours those earlier years. Going to work and coming home to take care of kids, dinner, laundry and cleaning a house is HARD and stressful. I like a clean house and making sure my kids eat well. I had a stay at home babysitter who took care of my kids while I was working. She had the kids all day and I did not want her to do anything else but take care of my kids. My son had a lot of issues. She did do light housekeeping but my standards and hers were different. That's my issue.
> 
> ...


Very nicely stated and congratulations on all your hard work.

That said, it doesn't always work out for the best, which is unfortunate.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Everything you do is a "choice". If someone puts a gun to your head, you have a "choice" of turning over your wallet or dying. 

Sometimes people end up in situations where there is no good option. It may be their fault, it may not. Then they have to muddle through the best that they can.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

brooklynAnn said:


> I don't think most people understand the full implications of what leaving your job and being a SAHP means. Most times the decision is made when childcare becomes a problem and it becomes an emotional decision. For most couples childcare is expensive and can take almost what one partner is making, so why not have one parent with the lower income stay home.
> 
> I have been a working parent until my DD entered Pre-K. Being a working mother is hard work. Going to work for 8 hours and coming home to do everything. My H's job is not 9-5. He works more like 10 to 12 hours those earlier years. Going to work and coming home to take care of kids, dinner, laundry and cleaning a house is HARD and stressful. I like a clean house and making sure my kids eat well. I had a stay at home babysitter who took care of my kids while I was working. She had the kids all day and I did not want her to do anything else but take care of my kids. My son had a lot of issues. She did do light housekeeping but my standards and hers were different. That's my issue.
> 
> ...


Durn all this is spot on. There are many variations of circumstance in a successful marriage. The above is one, and it's worked very for W and I. Everything revolves about communication, love, and being each other's greatest fan in the world. This is what I believe is the best but that's my opinion others may differ and I'm in support of those successes as well.


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