# Men who were Sexually Abused



## jmc286 (Jul 8, 2011)

I don't want to go into too much detail, just that my fiance was sexually abused by his parents as a child and then abandoned. Not surprisingly, he has trouble being sexually intimate and I am trying to be supportive and help him out as much as I can without going bat**** crazy from the frustration. Has anyone here gone through this, and what would you want your spouse to do to help?


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I was sexually abused, but not by relatives, and abandoned short term. Its not at all like the type of feelings that a woman feels, at least in my opinion. For instance, you'll never be able to talk about it face to face with someone other than your wife, or therapist, because not many people take it serious.

With my abuse, it was with middle-aged women, although once instigated by the husband, so it took years before I could take at face value that people could be trusted.

In my case, I think it was one of the primary reasons that I had a real addiction to fighting in high school and college. Thing is, I didn't have real anger issues. It was just the high from being in control, and it was the only time that I could feel real emotions. Thankfully, I met a super mentor, who has kept up with me for 25 years, and have learned to be a very expressive, passionate person. I was named in the top five in my state governor's 'Supervisor of the Year' award twice.

I've been married 24 years, and only talked about it twice with my wife. Doesn't really work well if the wife has insecurities, and its so hard to explain anyway.

Two things are really critical. An attitude of acceptance that lets him learn that you will never humiliate him when he shares things, and being his cheerleader when he is trying to open up and be more expressive. Once I began to heal, I became a very touchy feely person with my wife, so she jokes that I'm probably one of the few guys who enjoys a full weekend in slow, intimate ... you know.. Thankfully, she likes it.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

What you can do is just be supportive as you are currently being. However, your fiance needs counseling so he can deal with this issue. Whatever you do, PUT OFF MARRIAGE, until you are sure his problem is resolved. It will NOT get better after your ceremony and if you are going bat**** crazy now you will be going apesh!t crazy later on. Sex is very important in a relationship and you are on a path that leads to infidelity and/or divorce at some point in the future.


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## jmc286 (Jul 8, 2011)

Halien said:


> In my case, I think it was one of the primary reasons that I had a real addiction to fighting in high school and college. Thing is, I didn't have real anger issues. It was just the high from being in control, and it was the only time that I could feel real emotions.


Wow, that sounds *exactly* like my fiance. Interesting. 



Halien said:


> Once I began to heal, I became a very touchy feely person with my wife, so she jokes that I'm probably one of the few guys who enjoys a full weekend in slow, intimate ... you know.. Thankfully, she likes it.


This gives me a lot of hope. Thank you for your response!


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## jmc286 (Jul 8, 2011)

BigToe said:


> Whatever you do, PUT OFF MARRIAGE, until you are sure his problem is resolved. It will NOT get better after your ceremony and if you are going bat**** crazy now you will be going apesh!t crazy later on. Sex is very important in a relationship and you are on a path that leads to infidelity and/or divorce at some point in the future.


Oh yea, I know.  That's the only reason we aren't married yet. I refuse to spend the rest of my life in a sexless marriage.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

jmc286 said:


> Oh yea, I know.  That's the only reason we aren't married yet. I refuse to spend the rest of my life in a sexless marriage.


Exactly the opposite for me. Had a brief sexual affair with my high school teacher. Three married women in my neighborhood, then dozens and dozens of one night stands in college. Either you turn it off, or its the only thing you think of. Doesn't seem to be an in between. 

If he has shut it off, then he needs to understand that therapy has to be a part of his life. I attend therapy, although it is because I allow people to become dependent on me in a very unhealthy way.


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## Closer (Jul 15, 2011)

jmc286 said:


> Oh yea, I know.  That's the only reason we aren't married yet. I refuse to spend the rest of my life in a sexless marriage.


Great choice, girl. Seek happiness because you are entitled to it. Don't become a martyr because it will lead to long road of frustration and chaos.


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