# Successfull marriage advice



## mrsmanhatten (Apr 21, 2012)

I'll make this as quick as possible. My husband and I will be married 10 years next month. I am struggling lately because he is working further away from home, longer hours, and every Saturday. He is not very social (I did know this before marriage so I do my best to work around this) so I am having a hard time lately since this new job. These problems (social, emotional, sexual, participation in day to day family life) have always existed and I have pushed through for the sake of us, and the children, etc. but now they are magnified. 

More back ground is that I did move away from my state to move to California with the agreemnt if it were not to work out we would move back, well that is no option for him due to his career being I am a stay at home mom I agree my arguement is not logical enough. However, due to moving to different cities for his job all over California it has become extremely difficult finding outside adult friendships and support systems. Currently I have no friends, no family, and no support other than my therapist...lol...I have tried and am still continuing working on that. Also, I have recently had to give up my one class a semester deal due to his long hours at work he is not home on time to care for the kids while I am at school. And I know why not hire someone to watch the kids, because we do not have the income due to the nature of my children's special needs most sitters want 15-35 dollars per hour to watch my children. 

I do not talk to anyone about this because when I say it out loud it sounds like there is one excuse after the other as to why i cant do A B AND C.

Im starting to feel trapped in this marriage. I don't really think I am happy. Im very confused. I have started many hobbies and I keep myself busy. I hate to admit it but I am so lonely I have been attracted to other men lately anywhere. I absolutely know I would never cross that boundary but I am uncomfortable with the fact I am thinking of other men. My therapist says it is normal but I see it as a flag...I am scared, confused, and extremely lonely. 

I have communicated my feelings with him, he says this is the only job at the moment. This is only temporary, we even discussed me moving to a cheaper area so I could afford child care while he would stay in san Francisco and commute but I do not see that reasonable either. He knows I am unhappy and lonely but in reality he cannot be my everything I have to figure it out too. Any advice ladies? Has anyone been in a similar situation? If not it sure felt good to vent....


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

It sounds like you and your H have lost your connection...do you two go on dates? Do you like each other and enjoy conversation?


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## GingerAle (Oct 13, 2013)

I think you have to sit him down and make time for "us time". You have to get him to understand that you need more from him. You need his time. You need conversation and you want to have fun with him.


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## GingerAle (Oct 13, 2013)

One more thing: Do you think he knows something is awry?


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## mrsmanhatten (Apr 21, 2012)

No we haven't went on a date for some time due to financial reasons. But I do agree we need more me time together. I'll have to ask my mother in law to take the kids for a weekend. I have discussed it on numerous occasions and he continues to say it is temporary and things will get better. He's not a big communicator and he understands my feelings but I think he is so tired he cannot even think to make extra time for us. All that is on his mind is sleep. I am going to have to figure something out as I agree maybe we have just lost the connection. I'm still in love with him and sexually attracted to him but I am totally unhappy in his availability to me and the children. Last night he wasn't home until 10pm and he leaves at 5am. I don't want to be that nagging needy wife. He really is a good man and I love him I am seeing why women leave marriages for attention. I don't want to leave the marriage though.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

You have a lot going on here and it is not all because your hubby is working long hours.

1. You have special needs child(ren). This is a huge thing. No one understands how hard it is to be a SAHM of small children except those who have done it, multiply that by having special needs and it is exhausting to say the least. How old are your children? Are they in any day care programs? What is your day like? Can you ask your MIL to help out once a week so you can get a break?

2. You have no friends. Women need friends. Even in the best of marriages it is hard for a woman to get all her emotional needs met without a good friend. Can you join a moms group? Don't know if you have thought about home schooling but there is good support with these moms. What about church? If you are not apposed to it, there is also good recourses and support with a good church group.

3. Lack of connection with hubby. How long will these hours last? You need to let H know that you understand how tired he is but that you need some attention from him and this is non-negotiable. Can he text you during the day just to let you know he is thinking about you? Can he set aside one hour, two nights a week where he gives you his full attention so you can talk and be intimate? Can you go for walks alone? This is an intimate, non expensive way to spend time together.

4. Get out of the house. Being a SAHM of small children, especially ones with special needs, it is easy to get house bound. Take the kids to the park, beach, zoo, etc.

5. You said you had to give up your school. It is one of the necessary evils of a SAHM when the kids are young. Most of us loose a bit of our individuality and become moms and wives. It can be a difficult time, no matter how much you love your kids. But it is temporary. There will come a time when you will have more time to focus on you, try to remember that. There is a season for all things. This is the season for you to be a mom. Sometimes it feels as if this faze of your life will go on forever, but it won't. Enjoy the moments while you have them. Later will be the season for you to discover your new self.

Hope that helps some.


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## mrsmanhatten (Apr 21, 2012)

My eight year old has ADHD, generalized anxiety disorder, and OCD all very much under control. My son has a an extremely rare genetic disorder that affects him mostly physically but there has been some developmental issues mainly autistic features so he does qualify for 9 hours a week center visits. He is actually doing really well and functioning like an average boy )))) Any-who, that's a good idea about the texting. My MIL lives too far away but maybe she can have the kids one weekend a month? Mommy groups is a good idea too, I joined a mothers group for my local are called fun mothers club and it was actually a huge bummer because all of the groups had no active participants and there was only a coffee social once a month that was active where kids were not encouraged (it was more of a mommy social) very cliquey. I am going to join another one. I tried to start a scrap booking group, playmates, blah blah blah. Maybe a different group will be more active. Church...well, I left the Jehovah's witness religion and now I have mixed feelings/beliefs about religions in general. These are all really good reminders I just need to be persistent in taking action on these things to make things better..

Oh my I tried home schooling...EPIC FAIL...lol 

So true this is temporary and Ill be so mad at myself for wallowing in self pitty.


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