# Absolutely gutted and broken!



## Emmie (Dec 17, 2014)

I posted a few months ago when I finally managed to turn my marriage and my life around......
I did everything I could to make my marriage work. 
It was amazing. 
It was like we were a new couple and not 20 years down the line. 
We actually enjoyed time together.
We were romantic, spontaneous and had amazing sex nearly every day which had not happened for a very very very long time!
I felt so special, so happy and content. 
Our kids watched us change and I know they felt good seeing us so happy.

It’s all gone terribly wrong!!!
Shortly after I wrote the post something changed. I have no idea what.
We are barely talking, no sex, no touching, no affection. He’s miserable. Says all I do is moan.
Just to clarify, I’ve been working hard on putting a patio down while he sat and watched me and as an example, yeah I moaned, I moaned that he was supposed to do it and he could get on with housework instead of watching.
He does the bare minimum. He doesn’t do any cleaning.
I have 4 kids at home, 2 daughters 18 and 14. My 18 year old has a baby. And 2 boys at home 16 and 12.
I also have two adult daughters. (Not his daughters but he raised them as his own)
I am 42 years old. 
I do NOT want to live like this.
I look at him now and think “why am I with you”
He doesn’t want to talk, I tried again tonight.
He’s refused therapy.

I’ve told him I can’t live like this and he just gets up and walks away.

How do I keep pretending that this is normal?

My kids are going to be heartbroken!

How can I discuss divorce if he won’t talk to me?

BTW - He’s not cheating, he barely leaves the house, has zero friends and works from home whe he bothers.

For those that ‘surprised’ their partner with separation, how did you go about it?

I’d be interested in trying that first as I’m not ready to completely give up yet.

My life is such a mess. I feel very alone and if it wasn’t for the kids I wouldn’t be with him. That is why we are still together as far as I’m concerned. 
I just Need some advice on where I go from here.

I’m sorry that this isn’t the success storytelling thought it was


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

My dear it shouldn't be this hard. Good marriages don't take standing on the head of a pin and working your ass off. Just two people of character who have, love empathy and compassion for one another. Throw in some passion and you have a good marriage. It's really missing here. It's probably not going to get better because it takes two.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I went back and read some (not all ) of your previous posts. .

I disagree that any of your previous issues were ever "fixed." 

I think the temporary upswing in sexual activity that you experienced was what is called "Hysterical Bonding" that occurred when your H found the email from another man contacting you to hook up. 


(Note: in the other thread, Emmie does not admit an affair, but rather states her H found an email that an old lover sent to her wanting to hook up. She says she didn't actually do it) 


Hysterical bonding may be intense and it may be fun, but it is always temporary and when the bottom falls out, it is often worse than before. 

Your issues were never actually fixed. It was just an uptick in sex following the discovery of the other man. The issues that have ben going on for years are still very much there. 

I also suspect your H is suffering from some kind of mental health and depression issues that will require professional intervention. 


There are a number of chronic issues going on here that will likely require much professional assistance.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I'm so afraid that if some form of counseling isn't used, then there's no real hope of a solution in sight!*


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your husband is a 'ride along' in the marriage. He doesn't actually 'do' anything - he just observes and reaps the benefits of being part of a family. Until he is forced to experience what it feels like to not have those benefits, he'll continue to be a non-participant. 

Think about alternative living arrangements for him and just tell him that a trial separation is in order for you both to clear your heads and figure out your futures.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> I also suspect your H is suffering from some kind of mental health and depression issues that will require professional intervention.
> 
> There are a number of chronic issues going on here that will likely require much professional assistance.


Yep! :iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

@Emmie, I just saw this post. How are things?

Personally... I think you need to cut your losses and get out of this marriage. YOU are the only one doing the work to save it, and that does not lead to success. Shame on him watching his wife put in a patio, what kind of man does that? 

Skip the seperation and file for divorce. You dont need to discuss a divorce with him.. you can do this with or without his input. Time to take a stand and put and end to this.


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## Shoyoself (Aug 18, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> I went back and read some (not all ) of your previous posts. .
> 
> I disagree that any of your previous issues were ever "fixed."
> 
> ...


I absolutely agree with all of this. You’re both going to need counseling to get through this in a healthy way.
And for the love of whatever’s holy for you, please don’t minimize your behavior in the relationship. Infidelity of many kinds take 3-5 years or longer to truly get through it. Now that the HB has worn off it’s time to put in the real work. Now you get to see what you’re really made of. Do you work hard on yourself and your relationship, or do you cut and run because you’ve made your life difficult?


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Hi Emmie I'm sorry for ur problems. Is there any news?


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