# Broken



## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

After a two week vacation with the kids, I came home to my husband who had been here at the house and he was a total jerk. He walked into the garage when we pulled in and walked on by. That was all I saw of him and all the kids saw of him then he had the nerve to start yelling at me, calling me names and insulted me all in front of my youngest who started to cry. I told him he had to go and he did but then the Txts started coming and he tried telling me that he wanted to talk and hear about our vacation as if things were normal and when I told him that wasn't happening anyway he started in again only he got outright mean and then said that we need to talk. 

He refuses to talk to me about the kids or bills and more importantly, a divorce and then because after calling me names and telling me to shut the f*ck up in front of the 11 year old who started crying because of the things he was saying to me but now wants to talk and I'm supposed to be open to that. 

I feel so beat down and so depressed. I want him out of my life as much as he can be with the kids but he doesn't even attempt to talk to them and doesn't care that they need things to get done and he's not lifting a finger to help. I can do this but the hardest part is talking to the kids about him and the stupid things he says and his threats. I can't stand that he threatened one of the girls with physical harm and I can't do a thing unless he actually follows through..... So he's been violent with me and he's making threats to them but even with the history, I can't add them to the restraining order until he actually hurts them. That's insane and it hurts. Idk what I will do if he follows through. I don't want to see my kids hurt because of him. 

I just don't know how much longer I can take all of this. Something has to give because I am about ready to break and I don't want that to happen. Not now. Im too depressed and just can't take much more. 

Im sorry Im always here whining. I literally have nobody I can really talk to here at home. My circle of local friends consists of two ppl I know I can talk to but one is out of town and the other just separated from her husband and she's coming to me for advice but Im all tapped out. My best advice is just to stay away from relationships in general. It's not worth this. I have spent 18 years dealing with this and am so stupid for putting up with it for more than a week. I really messed this one up and gave my daughters all of the wrong life lessons. They think getting hit is something you can overlook. I ruined them and I don't want them to repeat my mistakes when they start looking for a husband. I don't feel like I'll ever be the same again and I can't stand the thought that if they end up in abusive relationships, it's all my fault. They are wonderful girls and I don't deserve them or anything good. I have health issues and almost died a couple of times and sometimes I wonder what it would be like for them if I had..... Anyway..... Im sorry Im whining again. I'll stop now and shut up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

Solution seems simple.

Leave.


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## sadwife2012 (Aug 19, 2012)

There are all sorts of reasons why leaving is never as simple as it sounds.

i expect you're living in fear and under enormous stress and that this is making you feel exhausted and powerless. Is there an organisation for people in your situation who might be able to help you decide on what you can do to get out of this situation? Speaking to someone about it might help you to gain strength, make decisions and take action. 

You need to protect yourself and your children so ultimately you need to leave but at the moment you probably just don't know how to do it. Take a small step - it will make you feel stronger.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

I'll offer some horrible advice as somewhat of an anecdote for your situation. A friend of mine is married to this guy somewhat like your husband, and we are all determined that he is a sociopath. Life was horrible, constant threats of violence and verbal abuse, blah blah blah, the whole nine yards. 

..So one day this guy while on one of his political rants decides to run for public office. BEST THING EVER!!! Now all of his aggressions are aimed at his opponents, and all he wants is to win at whatever costs to appease all the needs of his constituents. He is almost like a political honey badger. Problems with the corps of engineers causing you problems with your property near the river, honey badger don't care, he will get three separate state governments to come together just to tell the federal government to go to hell! 

..Seriously, now he is the most wonderful person to be around as long as you help support his cause, whatever it may be that day. His family is so happy as none of them have been emotionally attacked since their dad got elected.

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

I am sorry you are in this situation. You are in my thoughts and prayers.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Stop expecting him to be normal, or nice, or helpful, or caring....or anything. It makes your life a whole level easier. 

My ex was similar to your H. Maybe not as violent, but absent and uncaring for sure. A$$hole for sure. 

Eventually, I lived my life around him....pretty much without him, even tho we were still sleeping together, having sex once a week, but that's about it. He didn't know the kids' (5 of them) doctors or teachers or friends or..... anything. I walked on egg shells for years. Then I stopped. When the kids asked about Dad, I didn't lie.... but I didn't bash him. I just told them I don't know why dad is angry, I don't know what dad is trying to say, I don't know where is he, or why he isn't with us for Thanksgiving....... I told them, why? Because Daddy lives on Planet Bob....where the rules are all his, and things don't make sense. (These were teens and pre-teens...they got the sarcasm.) 

I tried hard to make it work. I tried to figure out how to get out. There wasn't physical danger so there wasn't any hurry. I never could figure it out....and one day he just left. With nothing. No plan, no plan to divorce even....it was part of the whole Planet Bob thing. But because I had been doing it all anyway..... I could and did do everything that I needed to do. He helped financially, not dependably....but I did need the help. We even had this big discussion and he couldn't understand when I told him he'd abandoned the family. He really acted like he didn't understand....which makes it all stupider. 

Once he was gone (he moved like 10 minutes away) he didn't visit the kids. I thought he might be a decent weekend daddy....but nope. But..... the home was amazingly peaceful. No more pit in the stomach when you pull up to the house and he's there....or he isn't there. Everyone can just breathe and BE ok. Ya, there are challenges. Finances, kids stuff, etc..... there's even sadness about what shoulda, coulda, woulda been... all normal. And all solvable. 

And the kids....in the end they figure it out. They know who was sane, who was strong, who wasn't ridiculously stupid...they know who was THERE. 

It's not too late. You can show the girls a strong woman. You might feel like crap, or that you've let them down....but it's not too late. They will grow up knowing that you were/are human. That you FOUND the strength to do what needed to be done, for you and for them. They will get it....someday. Mine do.


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## ToothFairy (May 19, 2013)

and why can't you leave?


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Your pain and hurt screamed at me as I read your post. My father was a verbal abuser to my mother and it affected me very negatively. I always wished my mother would have taken us away but she never did.

But taking the kids and leaving is scary and HARD. Keep venting on here and do not apologize for it. You are a person in pain, that is what this site if for. Never downplay your feelings and do not neglect what your heart is telling you. You have some big decisions to make and not having a great support system must feel like it is you against the world. 

This is one phase in your life, another phase will come and hopefully you will be driving the bus on the new phase to where ever you want it to go. My thoughts are with you <<<emoting positive energy>>>>


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It thought you had a restraining order against him so he could not come around you.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

SunnyT said:


> Stop expecting him to be normal, or nice, or helpful, or caring....or anything. It makes your life a whole level easier.
> 
> My ex was similar to your H. Maybe not as violent, but absent and uncaring for sure. A$$hole for sure.
> 
> ...


Hey fallen angel

Ive been there as well . Similiar in some ways . Didnt want my sons to grow up to be abusers . But leaving takes time to ponder n gather courage .

So now is time to sort out things n leave . Talk to the kids when u settle yourself . They will understand . 

You will go through a rough time but know that you will be happier at the end . I am .


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I don't think teenage girls should be left alone with this man.....


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

If you have a RO, can't you call the police if he is waiting for you when you get home?

Do you have a RO against him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

Constable Odo said:


> Solution seems simple.
> 
> Leave.


He hasn't lived with us since June and divorce proceedings are in the works. So not all that simple because he can still legally be in the house but he doesn't come. He only communicates with me via text and is always making vague threats. He is a narcissistic sociopath and I don't say that out of hate. I say it because I have seen something off with him and for a long time I didn't see it until he started making me have sex with other men and when I was able to stand up and say no he still made plans with others to have sex with me which I didn't allow to happen a second time so he just started taking out craigslist ads with various scenarios, one being a "surprise" gangbang and others were personal ads for men and women to have sex with me and sending nude pictures of me to ppl behind my back and gave them my messenger screen name along with tips on how to talk to me to make me want to have sex with him among other things.

I still get messages a couple times a week and I ignore them but every time I get one, it sends me back to the unwanted sex and the thought of ppl coming to me specifically for sex because he directed them my way. I have nightmares if I sleep at all and I have flashbacks at times too. 

So no. Not that easy. Especially when the police were of no help when I found he had taken pics of me getting dressed or whatever. They refused to document my bruises and when I gave them the phone with the pics telling them I want the pics OFF of the phone, they did nothing. They didn't even believe me and in my state, just taking a pic of an undressed person is against the law. 

I am also living with no support from most of my family and a few of my friends. I have exactly two real life friends who are supportive of me and I don't have a job, but I have the kids and he empties the bank accounts if I don't get there first and he is not paying support. So again. Not simple or easy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

sadwife2012 said:


> There are all sorts of reasons why leaving is never as simple as it sounds.
> 
> i expect you're living in fear and under enormous stress and that this is making you feel exhausted and powerless. Is there an organisation for people in your situation who might be able to help you decide on what you can do to get out of this situation? Speaking to someone about it might help you to gain strength, make decisions and take action.
> 
> ...


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

badsanta said:


> I'll offer some horrible advice as somewhat of an anecdote for your situation. A friend of mine is married to this guy somewhat like your husband, and we are all determined that he is a sociopath. Life was horrible, constant threats of violence and verbal abuse, blah blah blah, the whole nine yards.
> 
> ..So one day this guy while on one of his political rants decides to run for public office. BEST THING EVER!!! Now all of his aggressions are aimed at his opponents, and all he wants is to win at whatever costs to appease all the needs of his constituents. He is almost like a political honey badger. Problems with the corps of engineers causing you problems with your property near the river, honey badger don't care, he will get three separate state governments to come together just to tell the federal government to go to hell!
> 
> ...


We won't be staying with him so he can do what he wants
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

tryingtobebetter said:


> I am sorry you are in this situation. You are in my thoughts and prayers.


Thank you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

tripad said:


> Hey fallen angel
> 
> Ive been there as well . Similiar in some ways . Didnt want my sons to grow up to be abusers . But leaving takes time to ponder n gather courage .
> 
> ...


Thank you. He has moved out of the house and if there is contact with the kids, it is only a word or two. He doesn't even check in on them but I know he will change his mind once he finds out how much money he will have to pay in support.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

tripad said:


> Hey fallen angel
> 
> Ive been there as well . Similiar in some ways . Didnt want my sons to grow up to be abusers . But leaving takes time to ponder n gather courage .
> 
> ...


He has not lived in the house since June. But he still gets nasty with me via txt and takes the money out of the bank acct and leaves me and the girls with nothing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I don't think teenage girls should be left alone with this man.....


I don't think he should be left alone with the girls either but he hasn't physically assaulted them so according to the law, he is a fit parent. I worry that if you remove a victim from an abuser, they move onto the next person that is there and he has started making threats to our 11 year old daughter. I know he will leave the 14 year old alone because she is very strong willed and confident. But my 11 year old is not as strong or confident and is easily manipulated. So I am afraid of the day when he does exercise his visitation rights.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> If you have a RO, can't you call the police if he is waiting for you when you get home?
> 
> Do you have a RO against him?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't have an RO but he stays away physically and we only talk through text. I don't care what he says because I save them and will use them later. But I am afraid that he will hurt me if I stay around here and he wouldn't care if there was an RO and the cops here told me straight out that they didn't feel it necessary to document or even look at my injuries and they treated me like I blew the entire thing out of proportion. We have laws that prohibit ppl from taking intimate pics of others without permission and they did NOTHING so I don't have much faith in them responding to a call from me if he did break that RO. I will get one once our divorce is established and I am no longer covered under his insurance.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> It thought you had a restraining order against him so he could not come around you.


No, I didn't get the RO yet because I want to tie up loose ends and the cops here probably wouldn't make me a priority if he breaks it. I will get one once the loose ends are tied up
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

endlessgrief said:


> Your pain and hurt screamed at me as I read your post. My father was a verbal abuser to my mother and it affected me very negatively. I always wished my mother would have taken us away but she never did.
> 
> But taking the kids and leaving is scary and HARD. Keep venting on here and do not apologize for it. You are a person in pain, that is what this site if for. Never downplay your feelings and do not neglect what your heart is telling you. You have some big decisions to make and not having a great support system must feel like it is you against the world.
> 
> This is one phase in your life, another phase will come and hopefully you will be driving the bus on the new phase to where ever you want it to go. My thoughts are with you <<<emoting positive energy>>>>


Thank you. That is exactly how I feel. Ppl think picking up and leaving is easy and the obvious answer. It is obvious but at first I was in denial, then he promised he would get help so I stuck it out, then I was frightened, then I saw that he was getting worse and not better but when he attacked me in June, that was it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

AFallenAngel said:


> Thank you. That is exactly how I feel. Ppl think picking up and leaving is easy and the obvious answer. It is obvious but at first I was in denial, then he promised he would get help so I stuck it out, then I was frightened, then I saw that he was getting worse and not better but when he attacked me in June, that was it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know it isn't easy. It is necessary.

Are you involved in a church?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

AFallenAngel said:


> He hasn't lived with us since June and divorce proceedings are in the works.


Then why was he there?

And if he treats you poorly, END ALL COMMUNICATION.

Send him one text a day informing him that the kids are ok.

Period. If he comes in the house before the divorce is final. LEAVE. If he yells at you when you come back, take the kids and leave. Rinse and repeat.


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> I know it isn't easy. It is necessary.
> 
> Are you involved in a church?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes but it has been hard to talk to anybody about what happened. I did talk to a woman pastor who set me up with a therapist but that therapist and I didn't really click. I just found another that is closer to me but my main problem now is that he won't pay his half of the legal fees and he knows that I can't do that because I have stayed home with the kids while he got another degree and worked. So until I come up with the money, I can't get divorced.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

turnera said:


> Then why was he there?
> 
> And if he treats you poorly, END ALL COMMUNICATION.
> 
> ...


He still has things here but they won't be here long because I am going to start boxing them up and when he comes to get them, they will be on the porch. 

I have stopped updating him on the kids because if he can't take the time to ask then that's his problem. I do update him on their financial needs because he works and I still haven't found a job and he doesn't answer. But he does make a point to keep the accounts empty so their needs are not getting met. But if he puts up a fight for them, I have abuse all documented as well as the one sided conversations of ME communicating the kids needs and of him not answering or providing. Other than that, I don't talk to him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

AFallenAngel said:


> Yes but it has been hard to talk to anybody about what happened. I did talk to a woman pastor who set me up with a therapist but that therapist and I didn't really click. I just found another that is closer to me but my main problem now is that he won't pay his half of the legal fees and he knows that I can't do that because I have stayed home with the kids while he got another degree and worked. So until I come up with the money, I can't get divorced.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Have you looked up resources in your city for women needing help? I'm sure there's someone, some place, that will help you with a loan or something so you can move forward.


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## hotshotdot (Jul 28, 2015)

Have you gone to your local legal aid agency? Or talked to women's shelter or crisis center? I live in a very small community & we have these things. They can help you start the divorce proceedings & get the initial papers filed. You do not have to wait until the divorce is final to have a temporary support order. You don't need an attorney to get child support. Call your local child support agency & they will help, no charge to you. They will handle all of the filings for you so you don't even have to communicate with him. Make sure to get your own bank account so you have a safe place to keep the money where he can't monitor your purchases or drain the funds.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> he won't pay his half of the legal fees and he knows that I can't do that because I have stayed home with the kids while he got another degree and worked. So until I come up with the money, I can't get divorced.


sigh...


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

turnera said:


> Have you looked up resources in your city for women needing help? I'm sure there's someone, some place, that will help you with a loan or something so you can move forward.


I just got all of the numbers I need for that and legal aid and food share. I am just surprised that he can do this to his kids
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

hotshotdot said:


> Have you gone to your local legal aid agency? Or talked to women's shelter or crisis center? I live in a very small community & we have these things. They can help you start the divorce proceedings & get the initial papers filed. You do not have to wait until the divorce is final to have a temporary support order. You don't need an attorney to get child support. Call your local child support agency & they will help, no charge to you. They will handle all of the filings for you so you don't even have to communicate with him. Make sure to get your own bank account so you have a safe place to keep the money where he can't monitor your purchases or drain the funds.


Thank you. I didn't know that about child support. I have what I need and now it's time to get it over with. I have to admit, as much as I know this is necessary and I am not in love with him and I KNOW he is not stable or safe, I also wish I didnt have to do this
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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