# Trouble maintaining erections--wife is blaming herself



## Treetop (Aug 18, 2012)

I'm 37, wife is 36, married five years. For most of it, our sex life has been great, in fact during rocky times we've often said "at least *that's* going right". Lately though, I've been having problems keeping an erection, and it's causing us a lot of pain and stress.

I have no trouble attaining and maintaining a full erection during foreplay, but at the moment of penetration, my erection fails. Each time it happens, my wife gets very upset, hurt and/or angry, demanding that I stop apologizing or trying to tell her she's not to blame. She has put on some weight, and she has always been overweight, but she doesn't weigh more now than during other times when we've had a great sex life. I am at a loss for how I can show her that this isn't happening because of her weight.

I think it's psychological--I try not to think about the fact that if it doesn't go right, then the remainder of the day (or longer) will be ruined. But of course, trying not to think about how bad it'll be if I go soft AGAIN isn't helping much.

Another problem I've had is that if I have to pause during sex, (kid knocks on the door, have to pull out to put on a condom, or for any other kind of interruption), then my erection is likely to disappear and not come back.

The situation is disappointing for both of us, and is making my wife feel bad about herself. She doesn't want me to take Viagra or similar, because she says she doesn't want me to need a drug to overcome my repulsion. I'm not really comfortable taking it anyway and concealing the fact from her, but I can't seem to get her to discuss any possibility other than lack of attraction.

So, I'm at a loss. I guess counseling, right? We're supposed to begin that in the near future anyway, but can anyone suggest things I could do on my end in the meantime? We were living apart last year, and I got used to masturbating regularly, but I stopped that a week ago, and still the same problem today. I just don't know...


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## Revel (Mar 13, 2012)

I'd quickly make an appointment to see a doctor. ED is sometimes a symptom that something else is wrong.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Poor body image can be devastating. NOTHING you can say, or do, will ever, deep down, convince her that her body isn't repulsive. She doesn't like the skin she's in, regardless of how you feel. She is going to have to find a way to be responsible for the extra fat she put on, get it off, and get her body to a place where she feels good in her skin.

As far as your erection issues, you said that you stay hard during foreplay. That tells us right there that you don't have anything physically wrong with you, as physiologically based ED doesn't disappear in foreplay, but suddenly resurrect for penetration.

Have you guys tried taking the pressure completely off penetrative sex, and enjoy many of the other very pleasurable, penetration free ways of making love and having a good time sexually? Right now you're over thinking penetration, and her behavior after you go soft is only making matters worse. So just screw penetration for awhile (all pun intended!), and enjoy exploring one another sexually in other ways. My wife and I can go weeks without penetration, because we're having too much of a good time exploring other avenues and getting off well in different ways.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

treetop;

as you browse through this forum, as people feel secure and honest here, and as you probably are well aware, this is a very common problem among men of every age. 

sex is a very intense thing and it doesnt always go right.

generally, i have had problems off and on. sometimes it works great for months, and then all a sudden, no. then it comes back.

i once had a gf that didnt like foreplay. she'd just get nekkid lie on the bed and command me to put in in her. then when i would, she would wince in pain immediatley because i was 'too big' hurting her and i would go flat. then she would pout and tell me "dont you find me attractive....whats wrong?!"

had another gf. i never had problems with her....until one time after 2 years, i just couldnt get the darn thing up. so i went into the bathroom and tried to get it up myself. when she realized what was going on she scolded me like heck and told me "dont you understand, its the intimacy that matters to me,
not the *uck! dont you dare ever do that again!"

brother, im not telling you anything you dont know. your wife has to realize this. poor thing, shes got to realize we men are not machines (in spite of the song).
and cut you and herslef a break.

maybe with all the posters after me, you can show her how psychological we men are and we all have problems even when we're turned on like heck with our wives and partners.

i would suggest using viagra or something, dont even tell her.
after all, thats what medicine is for.

good luck to you and your wife brother


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Treetop said:


> So, I'm at a loss. I guess counseling, right? We're supposed to begin that in the near future anyway, but can anyone suggest things I could do on my end in the meantime? We were living apart last year, and I got used to masturbating regularly, but I stopped that a week ago, and still the same problem today. I just don't know...


If you masterbated quite often while you were appart this could be the problem. I've read that it takes at least 3 weeks of no masterbating for the ED will go away.

But first, go see a doctor and make sure that you do not have some kind of physical problem that is contributing.

Then once that's settled see a marriage counselor who is also a sex therapist. they have techniques they can use to help you out.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

If you're hard during foreplay with her, then she should realize that you are turned on by her. Stopping to put on a rubber softens a lot of guys up. Maybe have her put the rubber on you or pay with yor nuts while you're doing it.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

There is an herbal supplement you can take. You can get it at a supplement store. You might want to try that. If it works then you will know if it is low T and not something else. 

It is called TribuPlex750.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

This could be an underlying fear of intimacy which can cause unconscious anxiety which in turn can shut a man down sexually when he reaches some kind of intimacy "tipping point" which is often the act of penetrative sex rather than foreplay. In many cases he doesn't feel anxious at all and is puzzled when he loses his erection or can't ejaculate during intercourse. The first symptom is usually a feeling of numbness in the penis soon after intercourse starts.

This is a really hard problem to fix as it usually has deep psychological roots that go back years. The conscious anxiety you feel afterwards is simply a reaction to the sexual dysfunction. If this happens a lot anticipatory anxiety, which you would be very aware of complicates and amplifies the original problem.

Often such men can function perfectly well in non intimate sexual relationships like one night stands, paid sex or when a relationship is new. But as soon as a relationship starts getting serious the intimacy alarm bells go off and the resulting anxiety, conscious or unconscious, kills his sexual desire within seconds.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

As you age, your vision will deteriorate and without glasses, your wife won't look the same. Your hearing will fade and you'll have to ask your wife to repeat things. Neither will be her fault and neither are the limitations of age and life that appear below the waist. When your vision fades, the solution is for you to get corrective lenses, not for your wife to get a makeover. When your hearing fades, a hearing aid will be more useful than your wife attempting to tell more interesting stories. When her breasts start to sag, will that be because you aren't as attractive? Life just happens.


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## texasaggie (Aug 23, 2012)

As has been said here. It's a very common problem. My urologist explains it this way. An erection is like a golf swing... its about 20% physical and 80% mental. Once "HE" fails you once it's hard to shake the image and feeling. He gave me Cialis and it did the trick. The thing is it really doesn't matter what you use, herbal, viagra or otherwise. The trick is to get your head to think your good to go.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Revel said:


> I'd quickly make an appointment to see a doctor. ED is sometimes a symptom that something else is wrong.


Very true....not something to be ignored....ed is usually a symptom.








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