# I duno if he fancies me anymore ....



## tohaveandtohold (May 18, 2009)

Hi there, as its a rather embarrassing issue to talk with with friends I thought id try here to see if someone else out there can relate to my issue and perhaps give me some hints on wat to do next 
My husband and I have been married coming up to a year. We have been together for 4 years so you should think we should still be on r honeymoon period ... unfortunately not.
In all my previous relationships, I have been sex mad and am quite a touchy feely person anyway... my husband is muslim and I am a catholic. He is a bit conservative when it comes to sex and is in no way exploritive or exciting. when we 1st met, it was great however now we are married ..there is no foreplay, well on me anyway - he dosent touch any part of my body and i have to remove my clothes because he wont. When i tell him im frustrated with r sex life he wont talk about it and wont admitt that its all about him so i really cant speak to him about it and now its starting to drive me insane.
we have not had sex in 2 weeks now, he says he is depressed and he cant get an erection and when i try to talk to him about it, he laughs it off.
Truth is, im confused and starting to think he dosent fancy me and cant bear to have sex with me anymore. From we got married i have put on a stone in weight but he still tells me im gorgeous.
He will watch porn, but is shy in our own relationship. 
Please has anyone any opinions or know wat i can do? I have gone from once a sex kitten to now a scaredy cat who does nothing exciting in the bedroom department and its really starting to bring me down.
i am only 27 years of age and feel like a 70 year old.
Any help out there?

Cheers


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

tohaveandtohold said:


> i am only 27 years of age and feel like a 70 year old.


hey me too! welcome to the club. i am also a sex starved wife. Ive been married for two years, with him for four years. my honeymoon lasted maybe two months. its been gloves off for the rest. lol. 

The one thing i did with my H in the beginning (when he started to not want sex) was i kept pushing the issue. I lost all self respect. I tried to dress up like one of his stupid porn girls, i tried to dress the way he liked, do my hair the way he liked, and i tried backing off completely. I absolutely blew up at him one night when he told me he resented all those things i did to try and help our sex life. It was utterly humiliating. And of course my H would tell me he was just tired, or stressed out, blah, blah, blah. He was just a liar is what he was.

so stop going for sex. I know its hard. believe me. ive been down that road. being sexually frustrated is one of the worst forms of torture. i was cranky, irritable, and ornery. i picked fights all the time. sometimes i still do get that way but its not as bad, and at least i know what's going on.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

whats a stone?


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## tohaveandtohold (May 18, 2009)

Thanx for your response Blanca, nice to know im not alone in my suffering .. so how have you learnt to deal with it? Ru still with your H?
We have been talkin 2nite - he knows just how frustrated I am lets just see how he performs (if anything) anytime soon ... i just duno wat to do - but im NOT running after him. He will push me away though if things dont get better.

U called your hubby a liar .. whys that if you dont mind me askin?

Cheers for your comment xx


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## tohaveandtohold (May 18, 2009)

Hey preso a stone is weight - ive put on about 10-12 kilos but he still says im hot blah blah blah oh i just duno wat to think ...


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

tohaveandtohold-
As long as he thinks you will stay with him no matter what, he will not change.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

tohave, I have a couple questions.

1. How big were you to begin with? I ask this because someone who was already somewhat overweight and then adds ~25 pounds it shouldn't be a huge shocker to your husband when it comes to attraction. However, if you were a skinny girl before and then added 25 pounds, it could be different for him for sure.

2. I'm a little lost, last I checked 1 stone was about 6 kilos, but then you said 10-12 kilos or almost 2 "stones". If you were a skinny girl before (say 50-60 depending on your height, could be more if you are really tall) adding 6 kilos is not too bad, but 12 would definitely make your body look different to him.

Now, past the "harsh" stuff, if he is looking at porn that much and neglecting you, he either has a porn addiction, or you are right about the "not fancying you anymore". 

The question you need to ask/find out is if the neglecting you situation started at the same time he got into porn, or if it started with your weight gain. 

Either way I think he is in the wrong, just want to try to help you figure this out. 

I hope you don't think I was harsh, I was just being direct to the point.


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## tohaveandtohold (May 18, 2009)

Hey there rivitalised husband ... u were straight to the point yeah but sure no point ***** footing around is there! anyway cheers for the comment. to answer ur questions ... when we 1st met, i wud have been about 65-66 kilos (4years ago) .. when we got married I was 71 kilos and now 1 year later, I am 76 kilos. I hate it and hate my body and will defo have to do something about it cos im not happy ..but my 'h' still says he fancies me and weight is not an issue.
He has always watched porn, even before we were 2gether, infact i wud say he watches it less now.

He is from Turkey so he has moved to Ireland to be with me, he has left all his family and friends behind and, he is not really liking his job here so he is a bit down at the mo and homesick so i know this is addin to his stress.

We have talked about it and he cant see why i make such an issue about the lack of sex .. i have told him i have needs just like him ... he does listen but dosent say a lot back and so i am left in limbo and duno whats goin on or how to tackle the issue .. i think in actual fact at 27years of age ive resigned to the fact this is how r marriage is gonna be and im not gona push him anymore.
fun times ahead eh ...

cheers for your comment though.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

Let me give you some insight to the male mind when it comes to women's weight.

When I married my wife over 9 years ago she weighed 118 lbs (~54 kg), now 3 kids and 4 surgeries later she weighs about 160 lbs (~73 kg). I could care less, this is the woman I love, she has carried 4 children for me (1 miscarriage, 3 boys) and she would have to head towards 200 lbs (~90 kg) before I would start to say anything to her...and then it would probably be more for her health than attractiveness.

I am no less attracted to her right now, than I was when we were first married, we actually have sex more often now after 9 years and 3 kids, than we did when we were first married. Oh yeah, and our 3 kids are young, 7, 5, and 2.

I don't think its your weight, I really don't.


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## tohaveandtohold (May 18, 2009)

awk! thats so lovely .. remarkable beings us females (haha!) Glad u are a family man ...

So if its not the weight (just as he said too) ... wat in your expertise being a male wud be the possibilities?
Is it not true that all males enjoy sex and think about it 10 times every minute?!
Ive told my hubby he has a big problem and not normal and he says likewise to me and that im just a sex fiend ....


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

tohaveandtohold said:


> Ive told my hubby he has a big problem and not normal and he says likewise to me and that im just a sex fiend ....


He's abusing you by telling you that, you are perfectly normal!


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## tohaveandtohold (May 18, 2009)

Cheers for your responses ... im really happy people can offer advice and I feel better knowing im not completly alone on this ... but im just at a loss .. ive resigned myself to a boring 27 year old wife in an almost sexless and boring marriage ... if only i had hindsight beforehand.

I wud like to talk to my hubby constructively about this, but he dosent take me serious and thinks im being silly ... he will listen but i really dont think he cares ... any suggestions on wat i say to him to make him listen?


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

You could try this one...

"Screw me right now or I'm leaving" and see how that works .


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

revitalizedhusband said:


> You could try this one...
> 
> "Screw me right now or I'm leaving" and see how that works .


Yes, that is the only deal that is worth putting on the table. There are countless threads on here where only an ultimatum gets the other partners attention - it's human nature.

In fact... if you simply made up you mind that you had had enough, and were about to go - he would probably pick up on that and start getting into gear! It's all to do with the signals you're putting out. So far they have been of the "I'll never leave you no matter how you treat me" variety.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

tohaveandtohold said:


> ive resigned myself to a boring 27 year old wife in an almost sexless and boring marriage ... if only i had hindsight beforehand.


you may want to reconsider resigning yourself to a boring marriage. you'll just go nuts and try to meet your needs in other ways. I told my H that if it doesnt get better there's just no way i could stay, even though i care about him. sex is really important to me and i told my H we will end up divorced if it doesnt get better. slowly but surely he's coming around. 



tohaveandtohold said:


> he will listen but i really dont think he cares ... any suggestions on wat i say to him to make him listen?


oh ya, i went through this. it just drives me nuts. unfortunately in my situation i felt trapped because i had moved with my H and i had no friends, no money, no family around. so i pretty much acted like an animal that gets cornered. sure got his attention though! 

I said my H was a liar because for months he would tell me that he was just tired, stressed, and that there really was nothing wrong. he would always tell me i was beautiful, that he did want to have sex with me, and i would feel like there was something wrong with me. he was completely fine and i was seriously going out of my mind. so one day i put spyware on his computer and found all the porn. years later he also confessed that he'd look at porn in the car before he came home. so he was just a lair trying to cover up his addiction. 

these days are much different. He talks to me now and i feel like we really connect. we still have issues in the bedroom, but we are starting to really listen to each other and things are slowly turning around for us.


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