# Baggage and Drama



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I'm contemplating how much the term baggage is used - and I certainly have used it as well. It always carries a negative connotation. Also often used, sometimes interchangeably or in tandem is drama, also negative.

I will be much more careful about how I use both of these from now on, here and RL. 

It seems 'baggage', more often than not, implies lingering negative impressions that impact current or potential relationships. But I think some of these life lessons coined 'baggage' are really just applied knowledge. 

We are more cautious around the stove after we've inadvertently burned ourselves. Isn't it natural and appropriate that we are more cautious about the signs of cheating, abuse or apathy after we've experienced that pain? Yet now it becomes baggage to be cautious. I think real baggage is more of a jaded, pessimistic view of relationships, not an awakening to reality.

And similarly with drama, people often assume any interactions that result in tension are merely drama and the wont of people (especially women) who like the attention and flurry of people, conversation and emotion. 

Sometimes drama isn't wanted. It's not cultivated or sought. Sometimes it's simply the bi-product of having necessary conflict - conflict because now boundaries are being enforced. To me, real drama is conflict that is cultivated and then publicized for effect such as attention, sympathy or just to create an opportunity to vent over something otherwise banal. 

So since I'm not jaded, just smarter and I don't seek drama as it relates to my ex and sometimes sh*t just happens, I think I'm going to avoid these over-used words to describe anything going on in MY life.

Ponder for the day over.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

to me baggage implies you're still carrying it around
iow- you haven't exactly learned from it but you still let it affect your current situations and relationships in a negative or knee-jerk fashion

what you describe isn't baggage but rather hard lessons that you grew from and became better and stronger from despite the struggles


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I use these terms to weed out prospects on dating profiles.
If someone mentions wanting a person with 'no baggage' or 'drama free' I delete them from view. It's not that I have baggage, or drama, but I find that persons who are focused on not finding them and mentioning them by name, are more likely to (1) find it (2) use it as an excuse for their own (current) issues that they bring into a relationship.

Maybe I have some misses, but it does clue me in, this person is coming out of a relationship in which he FEELS that there has been too much baggage or drama. i.e. this person has recent baggage and probably wants to talk about his drama. Pretty much on an interpersonal level, this just screams as translated: "shut up and spread em" and afterwards "bring me a beer".


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

HNU I completely agree that they are likely to find drama and use it for excuses. I also interpret that to mean they aren't going to be supportive when crap happens to me. 

The most recent fellow I dated for an extended period of time who got to see the dirty laundry completely understood what had happened and was supportive. And even he didn't get all of it - it's so far fetched most would think I'm making it up. Only those who have known me for 10+ years and saw it happening over the course of time really understood it wasn't of my doing, I didn't ask for it and it's not in my nature. 

So I'm pretty careful about who I share it with otherwise a stranger would think I had somehow brought this on myself or were making the situation worse than it had to be.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> HNU I completely agree that they are likely to find drama and use it for excuses.
> 
> So I'm pretty careful about who I share it with otherwise a stranger would think I had somehow brought this on myself or were making the situation worse than it had to be.


Exactly! "No drama" in an internet profile or said on a first date kind of screams to me, "walls up." Unless you grew up as Beaver Cleaver - do any of us have a drama free existence?! 

I think waiting to share is important too though. Met a guy off Tinder who within the first 5 minutes was talking about his multiple marriages, children, wife's infidelity, and period of homelessness. I'm not kidding - all this in 5 minutes. I checked my watch.

Needless to say there was no second date. Within the first 30 minutes I had his entire life story and he had asked me exactly one question about myself.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Great post EW I am struggling to articulate a response but just to let you know your post has put some perspective into some stuff that is going on in my life right now. Thank you


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

bravenewworld said:


> Exactly! "No drama" in an internet profile or said on a first date kind of screams to me, "walls up." Unless you grew up as Beaver Cleaver - do any of us have a drama free existence?!
> 
> I think waiting to share is important too though. Met a guy off Tinder who within the first 5 minutes was talking about his multiple marriages, children, wife's infidelity, and period of homelessness. I'm not kidding - all this in 5 minutes. I checked my watch.
> 
> Needless to say there was no second date. Within the first 30 minutes I had his entire life story and he had asked me exactly one question about myself.


I never reveal much about myself unless they ask. I simply let them talk, men love to talk about themselves, most of them anyway


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

EnjoliWoman said:


> To me, real drama is conflict that is cultivated and then publicized for effect such as attention, sympathy or just to create an opportunity to vent over something otherwise banal.


I hate drama worse than anyone, and I'm sure we all have our own definition. I think your is pretty good. I would add that drama unnecessarily disrupts a peaceful environment and mindset. 

I think some people's personalities cultivate drama more than others. For some, everything has to be high energy, even small things that don't amount to a hill of beans. 

Personally, I'm laid back by nature. I don't cultivate drama. If someone has to have their wisdom teeth out, for example, I'm always looking for the reassuring, calm insight that i might give. Others like to tell about how their cousin Joe had a tooth out and had to eat soup for a year before finally having his entire jaw removed. 

There are real situations that I don't consider drama, but drama people will make those real situations as dramatic as possible. I know a family, for example, who is having issues with their elderly parents, and the brothers and sisters plan to meet to make some decisions. To me, the parents issue is a real issue, however, this particular family will make working through it it as dramatic as possible. I'm sure a couple of them will end up not speaking for a while, and we will all get to hear the updates every time we see them. They like to tell stories with their eyes the size of half-dollars.



bravenewworld said:


> Exactly! "No drama" in an internet profile or said on a first date kind of screams to me, "walls up." Unless you grew up as Beaver Cleaver - do any of us have a drama free existence?!


My family and i are pretty darn close to being drama free, and i wouldn't have it any other way. But then again, I think some people equate drama free with boring. If some people weren't drama queens and kings, they'd be bored out of their minds.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Southbound I agree and that is an interesting observation. I tend to be very laid back and drama free - I've had to work on conflict avoidance for that reason. I don't seek drama. But my ex gave it to me tenfold and I had to stand up for myself and be aggressive and it did dominate my life for a year or two. Every now and then he begins to take advantage and I let it go for a bit and have to enforce the order again which he perceives as being argumentative. So there are bits of "drama" going on from time to time but I handle my business, keep it as low key as possible and ride it out.

I find people without interests and hobbies boring, not people without drama boring.  In fact, constant drama is boring!


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Southbound I agree and that is an interesting observation. I tend to be very laid back and drama free - I've had to work on conflict avoidance for that reason. I don't seek drama. But my ex gave it to me tenfold and I had to stand up for myself and be aggressive and it did dominate my life for a year or two. Every now and then he begins to take advantage and I let it go for a bit and have to enforce the order again which he perceives as being argumentative. So there are bits of "drama" going on from time to time but I handle my business, keep it as low key as possible and ride it out.
> 
> I find people without interests and hobbies boring, not people without drama boring.  In fact, constant drama is boring!



I understand, sometimes stuff just comes at you. I'm sure any other person could have made your situation ten times as toxic by being dramatic, but it sounds like you just do what has to be done and let it go. 

Constant drama is boring. I was married into a family that liked drama. It doesn't always have to be huge, but some people always like having something to tell. They can manufacture something, even if it's just telling a normal situation in a dramatic way to get attention.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

"Baggage" is what inexperienced people simply dont know how to pack into their life bag or havent decided to throw away.

At this age in my life I not only expect people to have a bag packed, but I'm interested to know how they packed it. Styles of packing can be folding , stuffing, wadding etc...but as long as they can control their bag...all is well.

I can handle a person taking something out of their bag and it being rumpled. Not everyone is a great packer.
What I cant take is somebody showing up with a bag, a pillow case and a hefty bag of summer clothes when it is quite obviously Fall.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I've come to think that the quantity of baggage is less of an issue than the quality of the latches. If it stays packed and contained - no problem. The drama occurs when the latches break and spill the dirty laundry and dead bodies on my living room carpet.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Especially the bodies.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Especially the bodies.


I see dead people...


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