# How would you approach this boundary?



## confusedwithconflict (May 8, 2012)

Hello,
I am in need of advice on how to approach a boundary that was set before. There is a girl that I have explicitly asked him not to have contact with because of some past issues between us. There were some inappropriate boundaries crossed at the time and it gave me reason to not trust her and him alone. Well after some snooping I came across a couple of emails between them, like the kind of short flirtyish emails married couples send to each other, and they were sent/received after the time I had asked them both to please cut contact with each other. I also noticed when checking his phone, that her contact info is now in his phone, when it wasn't before. I don't see any recent contact between them in email or text, but they have mutual friends and H goes to hang with one of those mutual friends. (I do not go to this friends house as we have not gotten along after he told me that he didn't like me b/c I was "taking his friend") We have never really seen eye to eye and I choose to avoid confrontation by not going over there. So the only thing I can gather is she was there and gave it to him again, or he got it from the friend. I just need some advice, maybe chamomile tea to calm me down.


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## Verushkita (Apr 30, 2012)

I would be very upset and you should confront him on those flirty emails, that is unacceptable.

Do you think he is having an EA or a PA? Do you want to wait and gather more proof? Or do you want to nix it?

I'm not so great in giving advise, so don't listen to me when I say, take your chamomile tea and throw it at him. Sorry, I'm mad for you.


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## confusedwithconflict (May 8, 2012)

Let me say when I say flirty, it was things we would talk about. Little things, like "hey thought you'd like this" type of thing. Nothing sexual has been exchanged as far as I know. I do feel as if a brief EA exsisted, but I don't have concrete proof. I don't know how to approach the subject without causing some grief, and the possibility of a cold shoulder for the few days after.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

1) you asked him not to have contact with this person.

2) he agreed.

IMO he's been dishonest with you and despite your wishes, he's chosen to do what he likes... behind your back.

You have some good information here. What are you going to do now?


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## confusedwithconflict (May 8, 2012)

I know I am going to talk with him about it. I know I don't want to come at him in an angry manner as it would ruin our plans we have for later in the week (cancelling will cost too much). I guess my problem is timing. I am sitting here dying with anxiety, and I want to say something as soon as we can. But I don't want to ruin his day, nor our week. Maybe the weekend is the best? My problem isn't so much the emails, those I had seen a month or so ago. I let it go because it was during a rough patch for us, and there seemed to be nothing going on. What gets at me is the number appearing in his phone recently. It wasn't there when I was last in his phone, how is it in there now, why is it in there now? I had considered getting sneakier with getting access to his cell info online, or synching the phone with our home itunes (he does the sync at work I believe).


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> I don't want to ruin his day


Re-read this.

Your day is ruined isn't it. But that's okay? He's been found lying to you, and you don't want to ruin HIS day.

If thats how you feel about it, let it go. Act like you didn't see anything and go on with your week and your great plans. 

Just be aware that it is YOUR decision to rugsweep this. IMO you drew a line in the sand, and he has blatently stepped over it.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I don't think that you should wait. Any problems in a relationship need to be dealt with promptly or they can get worse IMO.
If he is crossing boundaries, then he is (in a sense) cheating. He should not have any contact with anyone that a) you have expressed a problem with or b) doesn't treat you with respect.
If any of my friends were to get mad at my wife for "taking me away from them", they would no longer be my friend. It really is that simple.
Also, any contact with anyone, male or female, that one feels the need to hide from his or her spouse is wrong and starts to move into the affair category


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## confusedwithconflict (May 8, 2012)

I had thought of the calmly bringing it up this evening. Just approach him stating I got curious and looked, and had seen something he knew I didn't approve of. But yes, anxiety-wise my day is ruined. I had a hard time falling asleep last night too.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Inappropirate -- check

Unfaithful -- check. This became unfaithful especially when he found out you were against this relationship. You guys set a boundary which he has not kept. He was unfaithful to that boundary


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## confusedwithconflict (May 8, 2012)

That's the thing, when I initially told him I didn't want them to have contact, he got angry with me, even though he had asked me to not have one on one contact with past male friends and ex's. Which I respected. I never directly spoke to her, but left her a message stating to please never contact him again. She directly went against my wishes by sending him "group emails" about 'projects' she was working on. Some of them were to him only.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> She directly went against my wishes by sending him "group emails" about 'projects' she was working on. Some of them were to him only.


SHE owes you nothing. Don't make this about her because it's not. I would have ignored you too if I had the green light from him because guess what? I don't care about your feelings as the other woman.

Never deal with the problem via the 3rd party.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> when I initially told him I didn't want them to have contact, he got angry with me, even though he had asked me to not have one on one contact with past male friends and ex's. Which *I respected*.


Let's examine this.

Do as I say and not as I do? That doesn't work in a relationship.

He doesn't respect you. You aren't on equal ground. Getting angry with you about something he asked from you is being quite the hypocrite isn't it? And it's also telling... the relationship with her is his priority over you. 

So now you have a choice. Stay in your place (the one he put you in) or meet him where he is. Eye to eye and on equal terms.


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

confusedwithconflict said:


> Hello,
> I am in need of advice on how to approach a boundary that was set before. _*There is a girl that I have explicitly asked him not to have contact with because of some past issues between us. There were some inappropriate boundaries crossed at the time and it gave me reason to not trust her and him alone. *_


Btw, who is this girl? Is she your husband's coworker, a friend, ex-gf, friend of a friend? Does he have to deal with her on regular basis at work etc. Is she married? What made you set the boundaries initially.. how inappropriate was it at the time?


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## confusedwithconflict (May 8, 2012)

That is exactly how I felt about it. What worries me is the contact has ended right about the time we were R. He has other email addresses that I have no access to and am worried it could have gone to those emails b/c he knows I do not have access. I will most likely sit him down and talk to him about it tonight. I have a feeling I already know the reaction and type of attitude I will get from it, that is what I need help with battling. Anytime I calmly bring my feelings up, he rolls his eyes and gets slightly defensive and just doesn't really seem to take them in regard.


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## confusedwithconflict (May 8, 2012)

She is a friend from a group of friends he is in. She dated one of his friend briefly, but has always been the guys gal pal. What made me set the boundaries is when I found some texts from him to her asking if she was up, while I was at work. I told him that it was inappropriate for him to be hanging out with her that early and alone. He didn't have a good excuse, just wanted to hang out and she lives close. Well now I wonder how close because I found something in the car that is a parking violation of sorts for a complex a few blocks away. I knew I didn't get it and asked him what it was. He got slightly defensive and said he didn't know (I still do not believe him on that).


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## Scottt (Feb 25, 2011)

It could be innocent on your husband's part. Is he in the habit of leaving his phone lying around? If so, some pushy friend could have punched the number in to be "helpful." You could just ask your husband.

Or if you're really uncomfortable bringing the subject up, just replace her number with yours in his phone and see if you get any weird or awkward texts or calls from him in the next week.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

stop it now-

posted by F-102 on how these things progress quickly



F-102 said:


> Thanks for referencing my thread. I originally wrote it in response to one poster whose W had reconnected to an ex-BF on Facebook, and it outlined how it can go from "Hey, how's it going?" to "I hate my H's guts and I'm leaving him for you!"
> 
> Here's the unabridged version:
> 
> ...


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

confusedwithconflict said:


> That is exactly how I felt about it. What worries me is the contact has ended right about the time we were R. He has other email addresses that I have no access to and am worried it could have gone to those emails b/c he knows I do not have access. I will most likely sit him down and talk to him about it tonight. I have a feeling I already know the reaction and type of attitude I will get from it, that is what I need help with battling. Anytime I calmly bring my feelings up, he rolls his eyes and gets slightly defensive and just doesn't really seem to take them in regard.


Look at it this way.

If he behaves badly every time you come to him, you have bigger problems than this girl. Disrespecting you isn't something you should accept under any circumstances, and if you don't stand up for yourself, you'll keep getting more of the same.

I mean seriously, who died and made him King of all the land?? You have to kick him off that pedestal you have him on. He's a liar.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Scottt said:


> It could be innocent on your husband's part. Is he in the habit of leaving his phone lying around? If so, some pushy friend could have punched the number in to be "helpful." You could just ask your husband.
> 
> Or if you're really uncomfortable bringing the subject up, just replace her number with yours in his phone and see if you get any weird or awkward texts or calls from him in the next week.


Wow - that is one of the most ingenious ideas I have read regarding checking up on a possible EA...

:smthumbup:


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> I found something in the car that is a parking violation of sorts for a complex a few blocks away. I knew I didn't get it and asked him what it was. He got slightly defensive and said he didn't know


Pandora's box has been opened. I'm sure you'll find a lot more if you keep looking.

Not that I'm endorsing that, because I honestly think you have enough to confront him with. His behavior in itself is proof of something shady.


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## Verushkita (Apr 30, 2012)

confused, how old are you and he? how old is the OW? 

i'm concerned that you may be to passive in this relationship. i know i was for a little while. then i started uncovering little things, and i had to speak up, put my foot down - thus now in MC.

i'm at work and i've been spending too much on TAM (not on your post); but i have MC today and i'm so anxious. i'm in the middle of trying to R with my husband who swears that there has been no PA but that I suspect was starting an EA; i caught it early on and nipped it. but now i'm working on trying to rebuild trust and truly having R.

i'll come back tonight, hopefully you'll get some really good advise.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

scottt said:


> or if you're really uncomfortable bringing the subject up, just replace her number with yours in his phone and see if you get any weird or awkward texts or calls from him in the next week.


i

love

this

idea


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## confusedwithconflict (May 8, 2012)

I had considered deleting her info, therefore he would know I knew, but you're right that's passive agressive. I am for sure going to talk to him about it all tonight. I hope it goes well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

confusedwithconflict said:


> I had considered deleting her info, therefore he would know I knew, but you're right that's passive agressive. I am for sure going to talk to him about it all tonight. I hope it goes well.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good luck.
Let us know how it went.


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## confusedwithconflict (May 8, 2012)

I wouldn't figure it wouldn't be too much for me to ask him to write a NC letter would it? So she hears it from him to stop contacting him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I think I would feel like he has no concern for my feelings of comfort in my marriage. It would be a deal breaker for me. If he had agreed no contact and then contacted, game over. Divorce. That just doesn't live up to the standard I need. I would want my husband to have respect for my feelings and concerns. Plus I would want my husband to be truthful. I did leave someone who behaved as yours has. There were bigger issues, namely that he had absolutely no concern for me. His interpersonal style was always to do what he wanted and to employ lying and gaslighting and manipulation and excuse making and empty promise making. None of which contributed to my well being.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Check it out: when you set a boundary, you also make a consequence that goes along with it.

He has crossed your boundary over and over again and you have not fallen through with your consequence.

So he sees no reason to stop.

You already know what the deal is here: he doesn't respect your wishes. For some reason, you are in denial.

Do you really want to be with someone like that? Really and truly? Eespecially when they repeatedly show you they don't care?

Cause that is what is happening here.

He's not good for you. 

The end.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

confusedwithconflict said:


> I wouldn't figure it wouldn't be too much for me to ask him to write a NC letter would it? So she hears it from him to stop contacting him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You can ask, but I doubt he would do it much less honor it.

He doesn't respect you. He doesn't take you seriously. How would offering up a NC letter make this any better? He doesn't think he's doing anything wrong. NC letters are for people who want to instill trust in their partner that their behavior is without reproach. IMO he doesn't care enough about your feelings to participate.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh and about your thread title question:

*How would you approach this boundary? *

There is no real boundary here. 

Why? Because there hasn't been a consequence.

And a boundary without a consequence isn't a boundary.

ABitMuch is in my head today! LOL We keep posting similar things. Hehe!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

^^^^ JB whats that they say about great minds??


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## confusedwithconflict (May 8, 2012)

Then the best question is how do I reinstate this already placed boundary? Do I 180 after I tell him if he doesn't seem to want to stop or change? There have been times I have felt less than respected. There have been a few occasions where he's chosen his friends over me. Or recently I have found him also lying about how he's invited to hang out with friends. He will tell me he doesn't want to go, but is to "get the off his back" but his texts show him asking if he can come over and hang out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confusedwithconflict (May 8, 2012)

Also if I could get into his email on the main comp again, I found a way to make it forward certain emails from certain people.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You state your boundary and the consequence.

If he breaks the boundary, follow through with the consequence.

By the way, what is your consequence?

And btw, you feel "less than respected" because you are. He doesn't respect you or your wishes.

How long have you been dating this stud?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

confusedwithconflict said:


> Then the best question is how do I reinstate this already placed boundary? Do I 180 after I tell him if he doesn't seem to want to stop or change? There have been times I have felt less than respected. There have been a few occasions where he's chosen his friends over me. Or recently I have found him also lying about how he's invited to hang out with friends. He will tell me he doesn't want to go, but is to "get the off his back" but his texts show him asking if he can come over and hang out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't see any reason or way TO reinstate it. It's been said already. Are you going to warn him over and over? I'm sorry but that is going to be an exercise in futility. You've already argued about this particular person in the past. He's transgressed more than once, and what's happened?

If you give him more of the same, you can expect that from him as well. More of the same.

He lies like a rug, and either you continue to threaten or you actually take action. It's up to you. He's tested you long enough don't you think?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Bit does have a point. A very good one. 

I guess if you really want to you can state your boundary and consequence again and tell him you are not fvcking around this time, that the choice is his. 

Then follow through if he breaks it again.


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## confusedwithconflict (May 8, 2012)

I have to say talking with you folks has made my anxiety go away now I know I'm not bonkers. I never set a consequence. It was a threat, so not taken seriously. I love him dearly and don't want to leave him, but I will not stand for contact between them. We will have been married 5 years this year. I feel more confident discussing this with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

confusedwithconflict said:


> Also if I could get into his email on the main comp again, I found a way to make it forward certain emails from certain people.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Print what you have and lay it in front of him. That's what I would do.

Two things could happen:

1) he would apologize... contact her in front of you to tell her to end all communications with him, and do the NC letter

2) he would get angry and turn it all on you... you shouldn't be snooping and the whole nine yards

I suspect (from what you have described about him) that he'd be all about #2.

I know what you WISH to happen, but I'm sure you know how it's going to go down when you present him with what you know. Which is why we keep saying you must enforce a consequence. 

I wouldn't be with a man that lied and disrespected me. Your request wasn't unreasonable, and he not only lies about that, but other things. A man with no integrity shouldn't be attractive to you in the least.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

confusedwithconflict said:


> I have to say talking with you folks has made my anxiety go away now I know I'm not bonkers. I never set a consequence. It was a threat, so not taken seriously. I love him dearly and don't want to leave him, but I will not stand for contact between them. We will have been married 5 years this year. I feel more confident discussing this with him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Glad to hear we have helped your anxiet a bit.

Yeah you are not wrong at all to tell him to stop contacting her if you feel it's a threat to your marriage. He is the one who isn't being respectful of your marriage.


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## confusedwithconflict (May 8, 2012)

My friend said that maybe he doesn't see the problem with it, to which I replied he does as we've been through this before. I told her the advice I see on here for other posters and she doesn't seem to understand, I told her she's not married yet lol. With the phone number, at first I thought maybe it was b/c he had synched it. But he's done it plenty of time since, and didn't have an Apple compatable phone, so which leads me to believe he put it in there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Put your foot down. It ends today... period. 

I actually hate ultimatums, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do. Your marriage is worth it.


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## confusedwithconflict (May 8, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Print what you have and lay it in front of him. That's what I would do.
> 
> Two things could happen:
> 
> ...


The lying is another thing. Idk why he's doing it. Yes I get upset when he hangs out with the male friend that doesn't like me, only because I feel if he doesn't like me for whatever then my H should not allow him to be in his life. I also know this friend is a pusher of sorts. I can see him pushing my H in the wrong direction and away from me. I could see him white lying so I won't get upset, but I am. I also agree with the #2. I think its partially the reason I put off talking to him about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Don't be afraid to assert yourself here. You have every right to state your feelings and have them heard, just like he does. Caving and continually bending to his will only reinforces his lack of respect for you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Confused--can I ask who this hick is he's contacting and how does he know her? Why was communicating with her a problem in the past? Give us some background info. Also, what were the messages between them like that got your thinking...


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

confusedwithconflict said:


> The lying is another thing. Idk why he's doing it. Yes I get upset when he hangs out with the male friend that doesn't like me, only because I feel if he doesn't like me for whatever then my H should not allow him to be in his life. I also know this friend is a pusher of sorts. I can see him pushing my H in the wrong direction and away from me. I could see him white lying so I won't get upset, but I am. I also agree with the #2. I think its partially the reason I put off talking to him about it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would be the "b****" who would hang out with hubby, on occasions, with that friend regardless. We are a package deal. While occasionally hanging out alone is fine, the friends need to accept the spouse in their lives as well... period. But that's JMO


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## confusedwithconflict (May 8, 2012)

Well, for starters he had sent her an early am text asking if she was up. I was at work during this. When I confronted him, he said he just wanted to hang out with someone and she lived close. I lost it. I told him no contact, and told her not to contact him. Well we were going through separation because we were young and wanted to make sure this is what we want. This S was after the requested NC. I found a couple of cutesey emails about how she was going to be a cat lady for Halloween and he said oh it fits you perfectly( I am a self claimed cat lady...so that bothers me more than it should.) Other emails are her 'projects'. I know the cat emails are not serious, as I said before the content was nothing wrong, just happened after I asked NC, and it feels too close to home with me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confusedwithconflict (May 8, 2012)

These cutesey emails were days after the requested NC, as well as some that were the month we started R. It's horrible because she was there when we separated, and she was there when I got back. I do have a strong urge it has progressed to his other email, because I simply cannot believe they haven't been in contact. Especially since her number wasn't there before and it is now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Point is...

You asked for NC. 

He agreed. 

He is still in contact.


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## confusedwithconflict (May 8, 2012)

Well I sat down and spoke to him about the number and past emails. I did approach him with the benefit of doubt that he just had synched his phone and that is how it got there. He said he didn't know it was in there and that he had removed it from his old phone. I brought up that I had asked him to delete her info well before he had his iPhone and that he would have had to put her in the contacts for it to show up. He assured me he had removed it and swore he didn't know it was there. I told him to remove it right then. I asked him again for NC. I told him I wasn't messing around this time and if I found anything about her again in there I wouldn't be as nice next time. I did ask him to send her something stating not to contact him, he said it would be weird because they havent spoken since last year. I don't care about that. I don't care if he thinks its weird, I told him it would put me at ease. I compromised saying okay, well if she sends you anything at all, that is when you respond and tell her no contact. Then I told him he needs to block her email all together. I told him I didn't like finding these things, after I had told them both NC. I asked him, she knew very well from the vm I left for her, which if she didn't understand the first time could relisten to. I said she knew not to contact you, and just days after went against my wishes. I asked why, I said that the only reason she wouldn't have respected me, is if she asked if it was still okay to talk to him and he would have had to said yes. I told him either she doesn't respect me or our marriage, or you told her it was still okay to contact you. He was pretty angry that I was "accusing" him of things, and reassured me that he would never seek another and has always thought that's how he portrayed it. We are better now after last nights talk. The thing that's still weighs on my mind is he avoided whether she had asked if she could still contact him. I really feel this is how it went, otherwise she just doesn't care, and I WILL deal with her personally.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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