# Any advice?



## Aeval (Nov 3, 2008)

Hubby and I have been together for 8 years, married for 4. Our sex life has really fizzled out the past 2 years big time. I am lucky if I get it twice a month. When we do have sex is it really good, however it seems with him everything takes precedence over sex. It seems he would rather watch tv, play video games, and hang out with friends than have sex. I know that he enjoys sex, it just seems to not be a priority. 

He has told me on numerous occasions that he enjoys when I dress up for him. However I have had some health problems the past 3 years that caused me to gain weight and I just do not feel sexy in a cute little outfit anymore. I look in the mirror and see a fat girl in a bad attempt at seduction. Needless to say what really turns him on totally turns me off.

I am a pretty uninhibited gal. I will happily go shopping at the sex shop with my hubby for toys. I have no problems watching porn (I just ask that it has some sort of plot to keep me interested). Needless to say we have plenty of toys and movies that go untouched and unwatched.

My hubby is one of those guys who never tells me that I look pretty, or that he loves me. He says that it goes without saying. However, he has no problems cuddling or smacking me on the butt. But getting a kiss other than a goodbye peck when he leaves for work is pretty much as often as having sex.

We are in such a rut and I need to find a way out! Neither of us is romantic, so the typical suggestions don't work for us. I am not the type to cook a romantic candle lit dinner for two, and he sure as hell is not the type to bring me home flowers or pamper me in anyway. Don't get me wrong, I am spoiled rotten with material things. But I would give that all up for a active sex life and a husband who makes me feel attractive.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

If your husband did tell you that you look pretty, would you believe him? I know if I don't feel that way about myself it's hard for me to believe anyone else does. Are your health problems behind you now? If so, I would focus on getting yourself back into the shape you are comfortable in ... once you build confidence within, your husband will most likely begin to notice the change...I think the change in attitude (being confident and happy with yourself) is a much bigger turn-on than shedding a few pounds.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

First when he leans in to kiss you good bye, put your hand on the back of his head and give him several. When he gets home, walk over and give him a hug.

second, most people understand we can't look like our prom pictures. I have gained 35 pounds since high school, abiet 20 of it was/is muscle mass but I can easily lose 15 pounds myself.

Dress up and try to start something, you have nothing to lose. After all I like when my wife is agressive.

Communication here is the key. It might be he feels he doesn't have to express it but let him know that you want it.

"I feel like I need you to say the things you use to say when we started datung, and to be more romantic. Sometimes I want that excitement, Sometimes I need that reassurance."

By using I instead of you it will not put him on the defensive.

draconis


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## Aeval (Nov 3, 2008)

Swedish, I do think a compliment every once and a while would be helpful. If he told me I was pretty, at least I would know that I am pretty to him. I do have issues with my weight, however I am totally fine naked in front of him. I just feel silly trying to dress sexy with my chubby body. He knows how I feel, and what I need from him. He is just very lazy about remembering. Unfortunately, though most of my health problems are behind me, there are some that will be with me for life. And it seems that I will always have to struggle with my weight. Which I can accept because I was never a tiny girl. I just hate how flabby my body is now. I can handle being thicker, but all the jiggle just makes me feel unattractive. I would be much more confident if my husband put our sex life on a higher priority level because then I would feel desired.


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## Aeval (Nov 3, 2008)

Draconis, trust me I have tried it all. My hubby is a social butterfly. He needs to be around people all of the time. We would need to actually have alone time to have sex. By the time I get him to myself at the end of the day he is half asleep. I have my undergrad in Social Work and masters in Psychology. Needless to say I am queen of communication. My husband is just not a good listener. I could talk till I am blue in the face and he will forget everything I said the next day. I love him to death. It is just that he always puts everyone before himself. And since he sees me as an extension of himself I tend to get neglected.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I know what you mean...I guess if he's gotten used to not saying anything it probably won't magically change on its own, even if he does have positive thoughts which it sounds like he does based on the 'goes without saying' comment. If it were me, I'd try taking the lead..."Your a$$ looks hot in those jeans"...if you don't normally do that...throw him for a loop and see how he responds...he might find it's a good feeling and want to return the favor  

Since you are adventurous, have you heard of the board game 'A Hot Affair'...it might be fun for the two of you...while it does involve sex, it's more about talking about sex & a good way to open up to each other without it feeling like one of those talks that many spouses dread.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Okay do this have him sit on the couch in the living room without anything on but a light to keep from distractions. You stand and lean a bit over him holding his hands. This is a focus technique (several) that gives you control and him focus. After ask him to reply to what you said.

draconis


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## Aeval (Nov 3, 2008)

Swedish, I have been looking into some fun games and what not. Ultimately, I need to take him shopping with me to see what he would be willing to play. I will def have to check that one out! I did order the Liberator Wedge/Ramp combo last night (I got a killer deal with a sale and additional 15% off). I figure that will be a nice surprise for him. And you are right, maybe if I work to stroke his ego a bit more he will return the favor...

Draconis, I have tried that as well. It works for maybe a week and then he is back to his old ways. He is just a creature of habit! That is what I get for marrying a man who was raised by an old woman. Ultimately, he and I are such good friends he tends to forget I am his wife and a woman not just a really cool down to earth chick. I think maybe it is partially my fault for being so low maintenance on his part. Perhaps if I were more demanding like a typical woman, he would treat me more like one?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Aeval said:


> I did order the Liberator Wedge/Ramp combo last night (I got a killer deal with a sale and additional 15% off).


Have this and LOVE it...hope you do too! 


Aeval said:


> Ultimately, he and I are such good friends he tends to forget I am his wife and a woman not just a really cool down to earth chick. I think maybe it is partially my fault for being so low maintenance on his part. Perhaps if I were more demanding like a typical woman, he would treat me more like one?


I read a book called 'it's a guy thing...an owner's manual for women' by david deida & it talks a lot about the difference in a man's reaction when you are being 'feminine' vs. 'masculine'...even when talking about doing the taxes, etc. he classifies that as being in your 'masculine energy and men won't typically be sexually attracted when a woman is in that mode...not sure how much holds true but it was an interesting read nonetheless.

I talked to my husband about this because I'm low maintenance too and he said it would drive him nuts if I were demanding/nagging, etc. I probably wouldn't like myself much either


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Aeval said:


> Draconis, I have tried that as well. It works for maybe a week and then he is back to his old ways. He is just a creature of habit! That is what I get for marrying a man who was raised by an old woman. Ultimately, he and I are such good friends he tends to forget I am his wife and a woman not just a really cool down to earth chick. I think maybe it is partially my fault for being so low maintenance on his part. Perhaps if I were more demanding like a typical woman, he would treat me more like one?


Look my wife is really low maintenance too. It is one thing that has worked well for our marriage. Sometimes you just have to try again or from a different approach.

"A winner is a loser that got up to give it one more try."

draconis


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## Aeval (Nov 3, 2008)

Definitely going to pick up that book! I guess I did not mean I should be a nag, more that I should perhaps act a bit more girlie? 

And on that note I am off for a nap. Hubby has a cold and kept me up with his snoring all night! One of his friend's was crashed on the couch that I would normally retreat to... Yep, thats right he is 29 and has sleepovers! Well, to be fair his buddy is only 20 and almost more like a younger brother. But I digress none the less...


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Have you tried to write and or email him?

draconis


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## Aeval (Nov 3, 2008)

Yeppo! I have even IMed him while he was up in the media room and I was down in the den on my laptop. LOL!


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Have you hit him over the head with a frying pan? LOL...

draconis


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## Aeval (Nov 3, 2008)

I am thinking about it!!!!


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Have you two went to counciling together?

draconis


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## Aeval (Nov 3, 2008)

Nah! It really is not to that point yet. This is really the only issue where he fails to comprehend. If I start making more of an attempt and he is still clueless then we just may go down that road.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Counciling, or the right person might get it through to him, or the fact that you are going might clue him in and make him realise how important it is to you.

draconis


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## Aeval (Nov 3, 2008)

I guess you could say it is like how doctors always neglect going to the doctors themselves....

Compared to all the other couples we are friends with, we really seem to have the most functional relationship really.

I have found in the past few days if I make more of an attempt he seems to be less "stupid". LOL!


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## Aeval (Nov 3, 2008)

Mommy22, Victoria's secret is not an option. I can wear their bottoms, but my boobs are too big for even their largest sizes. LOL! I thank God everyday for my huge boobs and butt because the make me feel more proportioned with the extra weight. I have so much lingerie it is not even funny. I realize that I will always be a bigger girl and I totally accept that. Like I said I have no problems naked, it is just that dressing up makes me feel silly right now. But I will do what it takes. I am more than willing to feel silly if he manages to do something that makes me feel good about myself. I am working with positive reinforcement. Everytime I get a compliment he gets me all dressed up in return. I am just hoping that one day he will catch on...


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Aeval said:


> Mommy22, Victoria's secret is not an option. I can wear their bottoms, but my boobs are too big for even their largest sizes. LOL! I thank God everyday for my huge boobs and butt because the make me feel more proportioned with the extra weight. I have so much lingerie it is not even funny. I realize that I will always be a bigger girl and I totally accept that. Like I said I have no problems naked, it is just that dressing up makes me feel silly right now. But I will do what it takes. I am more than willing to feel silly if he manages to do something that makes me feel good about myself. I am working with positive reinforcement. Everytime I get a compliment he gets me all dressed up in return. I am just hoping that one day he will catch on...



Sounds like you have the right idea, but unless dressing up includes hitting him with a frying pan I don't know if he will ever connect the dots.

draconis


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## Aeval (Nov 3, 2008)

Draconis, maybe I should talk him into a little Caveman roleplaying?

Mommy22, I would gladly donate some boobage. I would love for the "girls" to perk up a bit!


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