# Immaturity and Child like Adults



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

What causes an adult to be immature and act childish? This is a spin off on another thread here about how a womans husband seems immature and does childish things. I wonder what makes some people who are grown and in a relationship act this way? Mental issues? Learned behaviors from childhood? Abuse?


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Attention seeking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

All the above. In most people it is learned behavior from childhood caused by the absence of a male parent to whoop their a$$ when they stepped out of line. Tantrums and child like behavior is a result of feeling entitled and then not getting what they want. The problem with people like this is that spouses aren't parents. People like this must get help to get over acting like a child or will find themselves very lonely.


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Thanks for the replies...I don't know that I could live like that..I sure wouldn't feel desire for and to keep lay downing with a man who I felt like I had to be a mother too, because of child like ways.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Entitlement mentality is my 1st thought - having everything given to them..

Not enough consequences to their BAD behaviors in childhood when they did wrong... which often fosters a lack of responsibility in many adults.

Mental issues ...Insecurities/ fear of failure immobilizing them.

Addictions can destroy many marriages...Men still playing video games....just as an example.


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Thanks SA, I agree. I also agree too, sometimes it can be lack of a person having a decent role model too.


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Articles I found on this. 
Modeling Behavior for Children Has Long-Lasting Effects | Psych Central News

Early Sibling Relationships Influence Adult Behavior | Psych Central News

More on Childish and acting Child-like [Archive] - Forums at Psych Central

Interesting, to say the least.

Edit: Oh, and hitting your child with a leather belt when being punished for bad behavior doesn't help much. You know you did wrong already. You need made aware of the proper behavior and provided with consequences for poor behavior. I know what I speak of here.

Edit for clarity: I was the one on the receiving end of this "punshment".


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Thanks 2ntnuf, I will check those out.


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

2ntnuf said:


> Interesting, to say the least.
> 
> Edit: Oh, and hitting your child with a leather belt when being punished for bad behavior doesn't help much. You know you did wrong already. You need made aware of the proper behavior and provided with consequences for poor behavior. I know what I speak of here.


Sorry to hear that....I remember I dated this guy once a few years back, he had some issues for sure..but I remember one thing that stuck out in my mind for some reason was...he told me his father was never there and his mother was very critical, and would make remarks that hurt his feelings...one time when he was a teenager, he was hitting some golf balls in the back yard with a friend of his...

He was standing to close to his friend and when his friend swung back his golf club it busted him in the side of the face...well the guy I was seeing went in told his mom and his moms remark was..."Go on back out there and do it again!" :scratchhead: I told him what do you mean she said that...you didn't even do anything..your friend hit you by accident...

His friend even offered to pay for the doctors visit..but his mother never took him to the doctor! It was bruised, swollen, and he had a small hole in his cheek...I mean what kind of mother tells you do go on back out there get hit again when it wasn't your fault and not take you to the doctor? Yeah he was messed up..I ended that.


----------



## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I have a child husband. He's manipulative and self-centered, but he plays the nice guy card so well that it took me years to figure it out. 

His father was an alcoholic, his mother is totally self-absorbed. Also, my husband has some issues we (ha! I) am just now sorting out. Because of some unusually irresponsible and irrational behavior (even for him), he ended up seeing a neurologist who ordered cognitive testing and an MRI, to screen for dementia. Hasn't had the MRI yet, but the cognitive testing revealed a host of visual, auditory, and general processing disorders. I wasn't there when he got this info, but we'll both meet with his doctor after the MRI.

I'm thinking that from there, I'm also going to request a psychiatric evaluation. He has some of the narcissistic personality traits, though I don't think enough to qualify as NPD. He's also passive-aggressive and self-absorbed. I just feel like, let's get it all out there so we know exactly what we're dealing with. If I learn more about what's causing the behavior, I'll definitely report back here.


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

What do you mean by childish? I need a better working definition.

This thread was started (partially) in response to some behavior that sounded silly, but I wouldn't call that childish.


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Cletus said:


> What do you mean by childish? I need a better working definition.
> 
> This thread was started (partially) in response to some behavior that sounded silly, but I wouldn't call that childish.


Yes I started the thread as a spin off of the OP, about her husband. I asked her if she felt he was childish or immature, she said yes, so I decided to start this thread.I wasn't going based on her saying he was silly. 


By childish I do not mean get in the floor with your kids and roll around playing....I mean childish as in the way he handles things, or doesn't handle things for that matter. Lives their life in a passive/aggressive manner, or who shuts down and acts child like because someone said something they didn't like etc, things of that nature.


----------



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

CallaLily said:


> By childish I do not mean get in the floor with your kids and roll around playing....I mean childish as in the way he handles things, or doesn't handle things for that matter. Lives their life in a passive/aggressive manner, or who shuts down and acts child like because someone said something they didn't like etc, things of that nature.


I read an article on this the other day, it talked about immaturity in people (men and women) and how it was emotional based. As in the somewhere along the way the emotional aspect of themselves got stunted or never fully developed due to either mental issues or learned behaviors from parents who didn't teach their kids life skills or coping skills. Abuse of some kind (usually traumatic) or even parents who gave their kids to much and created kids with entitlement issues. They can be difficult people to live with if not gotten into some kind of therapy.


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

My husband is also very childish and has an "entitled" complex.

He calls me names, puts me down, mocks me, makes "faces" at me, etc. He's also incredibly controlling and manipulative. If he doesn't get his way, he can be very passive-aggressive in "punishing" me later for it.

He was an only child who was pretty neglected by his attention-seeking/promiscuous mother growing up. He was raised by his grandparents, who coddled him because they felt sorry for him. His father was an alcoholic who was pretty much absent. Now, both his mother and grandparents see no wrong in anything he does. It's disgusting. The whole family are master "blame-shifters" and he learned from the best. He never needs to be accountable for anything... Because he's perfect and he's always right!

As far as dealing with it... Not letting him see how it affects you takes away some of the power... But it still hurts inside. I've noticed that MANY times I've stooped to his behavior because a.) I'm weak, and b.) It's the only thing he understands. Trying to have a mature and adult conversation with him is nearly impossible. :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Arrested development, aka being mentally stuck at the age in which a traumatic exerience happened to the person.


----------



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Phenix70 said:


> Arrested development, aka being mentally stuck at the age in which a traumatic exerience happened to the person.


Yes, that article I read talked about this very thing as well. They get stuck at that emotional level when something happens (happened) and can't get past that level. Some can be very career minded and hard workers, but do not know much about how to act in a mature relationship when it comes to certain situations.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I think we can point to dozens of reasons for selfish, immature, and attention-seeking behavior, but I need to say something: Childish isn't the same as child-like. 

An adult can have a child-like sense of wonder and joy and be a fully responsible, functioning adult. I'm not one of them (I wish I was!) but my husband is, and it's a joy to be around people like him.


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I understand, and even though my title said "Child-Like" I was meaning immature and childish type of behavior..most everyone here got what I was meaning and they answered what I was saying.


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> My husband is also very childish and has an "entitled" complex.
> 
> He calls me names, puts me down, mocks me, makes "faces" at me, etc. He's also incredibly controlling and manipulative. If he doesn't get his way, he can be very passive-aggressive in "punishing" me later for it.
> 
> ...


Sounds like my ex - I never understood it. Initially he was so charming. The NPD diagnosis a few years ago was SO dead on I wonder how I never saw it with all of the research I did before the end.

He was adopted at 8 months. His adoptive mother told him varying stories of why he went up for adoption - he was in foster care for a while. So he never 'bonded' properly in those very young years which is a commonality of NPD.

Additionally, his mother was overly permissive - he used to take of hitchhiking as a teen to wherever he felt like it with no regard for her concern and his only reply was "I always called her from a payphone when I got to where I was going" and she never punished him for that behavior. His Dad worked late and when he got home went into his study with a couple drinks and a newspaper and was not to be disturbed.

Later his younger brother (their birth child) told me his brother was just a juvenile delinquent and a bully. He never saw my ex's behavior as the 'adventures' that ex painted them to be. The brothers don't talk now.

The childish behavior he would exhibit would be punching a wall out of anger, calling names, pouting and/or passive-aggressive behavior when he didn't get his way, really sore loser and he would break things. He stomped on several toys of our daughter's right in front of her in a yelling tantrum. I'm sure he was terrifying to her. And if she came to me for reassurance and security he would yell at me for coddling her.

And yes - not letting him see how it hurts is key. It takes away all of their power. They exert power because really they feel helpless and insignificant inside and are putting on a facade of power and confidence. My counselor kept reminding me "do NOT engage".


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I need to keep that in mind sometimes too, Enjoli. I am HORRIBLE at engaging him, and he, I.

Our MC and my IC say that when I argue with him or become defensive, I am actually MAKING his actions/words VALID (to him). I still have a bit of a hard time wrapping my mind around that...

"Overly permissive" - perfectly describes my husband's family as well. I had not known how to articulate this very well, but you hit the nail on the head! He is the Golden Child!! He's perfect!! (It doesn't help that they all think he's autistic... I'm just the evil wife who picks on him, you know). 

"Do NOT engage" - much easier said than done, but QUITE effective when done properly.

(BTW, I thought the mention of NPD is incredibly accurate. I have long thought my husband also "suffers" this... But being that true NPDs are so rare, what are the chances)? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> He's perfect!! (It doesn't help that they all think he's autistic... I'm just the evil wife who picks on him, you know).
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What makes them think he is autistic? Has there been mention of that from a doctor?


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Here are some of the symptoms of Asperger's - many of which he DOES have:

Asperger Symptoms

The issue is, my husband is going to IC and has never been diagnosed with it. It has been dismissed that he is autistic, but that is based on his self-reporting to me from his counseling sessions.

In fact, I personally believe he's more schizoid and narcissistic than anything else.

His family just wants to believe that he's "not right" because of some bio-chemical-neurological reason - NOT because they screwed up his childhood, which is the truth.

In their opinion, (and they aren't qualified to diagnose him), his lack of emotion, rigidity, and difficulty picking up emotional and non/verbal cues from other people are symptoms of being autistic. In my opinion, (and I'm not qualified to diagnose him, either), he is simply an a-hole. He was never taught to share (his life, feelings, possessions, etc). He has been spoiled and coddled, and as Enjoli so eloquently articulated, his family was over permissive in overlooking his acting out. No discipline whatsoever.

It would be easier on my mind if he were actually diagnosed with Asperger's, as I could explain why he's so mean and uncooperative, (not saying all Asperger's are like that, but from what I understand it is very difficult to be in a relationship with them).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Thanks for explaining that Yin! Wow it does sound tough to live with, autistic or not. IMO, it could be a bit of both going on. Not saying he has Asperger or Autistic, but it could be a combination of things that has caused him to act this way, one of the big factors being his environment that he grew up in. I think that does or can play a big role.


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I agree. His family played a huge role in shaping him the way he is. He can't see that, though.

I think his most disturbing symptom, however, is his complete lack of joy or excitement - for anything. This is a man who wouldn't feel motivated to leave the house if it was on fire! It's just really difficult to live with someone who is never excited, never happy and never positive. He is complete and utter negativity ALL OF THE TIME.

(I should say in his defense, that he has been diagnosed with long-term depression).

I guess that's why I'm in his life, though. I feel the need to rescue him from his own negativity for some reason. *slaps self*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> *Entitlement mentality is my 1st thought - having everything given to them..
> 
> Not enough consequences to their BAD behaviors in childhood when they did wrong... which often fosters a lack of responsibility in many adults.*Mental issues ...Insecurities/ fear of failure immobilizing them.
> 
> Addictions can destroy many marriages...Men still playing video games....just as an example.


I would have to agree with this assessment. I also believe that it is more and more a societal issue at large and not just a passing phenomenon. Modern culture (especially American culture) no longer forces people to mature and take responsibility. 
It all starts in the family. Parents are no longer parents. They are legal guardians that prefer being best friends to their children over being good parents. There is a complete lack of boundary-setting by parents in the modern family and this leads to permissiveness to the point of absurdity. 
These young adults (mostly males) grow up with a sense of entitlement and the thought that their actions do not (or should not) have consequences. Especially if they are bad consequences. Its also always somebody else's fault. If I do make a bad decision... no worries. Somebody will be there to pick me up and give me help to make things better (parents, family, government, etc).
Then this young adult goes out and gets $100K worth of student loans to study 15th Century French Pottery Making and then blames the world when he/she graduates with a useless degree and can't find meaningful employment. 
Now let's take this young person and introduce them into a meaningful relationship. In our throw-away culture, a relationship is just another means to get what _*I*_ want. Why should I worry about another person's happiness? Society and culture has taught me that if things get too hard, I can simply hit the reset button. Why deal with that nagging emotional aspect of a relationship when I can turn to the internet and get all the free sex I want. Want a more human method of sex release? Sure...that's what friends-with-benefits are for. Why get entangled with another person's baggage when I can just show up, get my sexual needs met and then take off. If I eventually decide that marriage is the route to go, no problem there either. If things get too rough, just get a divorce. After all, a long-term committed marriage where two people come together as one (emotionally, spiritually, physically, etc) and dedicate themselves to building on a foundation of mutual respect, admiration and true love is such hard work! I mean, why go through all that when you can just part ways and go find what makes you happy. After all, our personal happiness is the most important thing in the world, right? If it feels good, do it. If it doesn't feel good, don't do it. To hell with everyone and everything else.
Eventually, after the mean and nasty world has done its best to take away the happiness that our theoretical young person believes he is entitled to, he moves back home to live in the basement of his parent's home at the age of 35 to eat Cheetos, drink beer, play Halo and watch American Idol. 
I present to you the modern grown up.


----------



## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Child like behavior as an adult IMHO is the result of either/and mental illness, poor parenting or cosmic rays. Who really knows. All I can tell you is that we can't make a woman stop acting like child anymore than we can make a man stop acting like a baby when they don't get their way. 

People seem to have different opinions on what is "childish" and some even defend it because somebody must have "triggered" the behavior.

Exhibit A: Man Uploads Wife’s Explosive Temper Tantrum on YouTube (One of Them Has Reportedly Moved Out and Filed a Restraining Order) | Video | TheBlaze.com

This woman absolutely blows her top and yells like a banshee because she didn't get her way. Imagine if a poor child/baby was subjected to this crap. While obviously "childish" to me, some folks in the comments actually defend her bahavior and blame him for somehow pissing her off. This behavior would have been universally shameful fifty years ago. Today we just laugh at it because its a woman and she's "emotional". 

Unfortunately, if a man displayed such behavior I can almost guarantee you that the Sheriffs office would have been doing a welfare check and DCF would have investigated if a child was in the car. 

Btw, ladies please don't think for a moment that i'm saying all women are like this. I know plenty of women with great heads on their shoulders that react better than men when it comes to not getting their way or stressful situations. 

After my own experience I just have zero tolerance for yellers regardless of who it is. I would rather be slapped in the face than hear the angry shrill of a person. Keep your voice down! Once you raise your voice the conversation is done and i'm tuning you out or walking away.


----------



## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

ChargingCharlie said:


> The second line sounds like my wife. Very insecure, was never the most popular kid in school (although she has lots of friends now), so now she acts like a teenager, which is not an attractive quality. She loves to let out a belch, swear, cuss at other drivers (every other driver on the road is an idiot except her, as she speeds along and weaves in and out of traffic), etc. I've keep reminding her not to swear in front of the kids (she is doing it less but still lets them out). She also wants to please everyone, but when it comes to me, she'll jump on me about little stuff (missed a parking spot, not feeding the kids correctly, etc).
> 
> I think a lot of this has to do with upbringing (her parents are nice people and I have no complaints about them with regard to me, but knowing their kids, I have to wonder how they raised them). This immaturity is one reason that we don't communicate well (to be fair, a big chunk of this is my fault, as I'm not the most open person in the world), as we really don't have the same interests. She'll say little things that sound like they're coming from a 12 year old, not someone in their 40's.
> 
> She's also insecure about her appearance, which is one reason we have sex around once every other year or so.


Better address this soon brother becauase once kids are 18 I don't see you staying. I wouldn't.


----------

