# desperately in need of perspectives & clarity



## lost_&_trying (Apr 4, 2011)

This may be long. It's my first time posting to this site for help. 

My W & I have been married just under 9 years. Not really ever arguing, no profanity, absolutely no abuse. We've known each other since we were kids and have been friends the whole time. I married my best friend in her. And she did the same. We were early 20's at the time.

Our situation.
I asked my W in Feb if she could talk about things that seemed to be bothering her. She wasn't herself. She erupted. A bomb exploding...totally unexpected. About us, me, her unhappiness, not knowing what she wants, unsure of everything, and how she's been emotionally cut off since last year. She 'loves me, cares for me, and I'm her best friend.' It destroyed me. I went into shock b/c I thought she was saying something else. I'm emotional. It showed. She was as well. We got through the talk and I took it as the biggest wake-up call I've ever had. I spent the next month searching myself up and down, trying to figure out what's become of us, what I've let myself become, what she's possibly contributed to this, etc. I'm not one to tell my wife what I think is wrong with her, so I focused on my side of the problems: insecurities, trust that was lost in her at one point (have been trying to regain), overbearing, lost myself in routines & behavior patterns (leading to reacting to her requests), falling into passive aggressive communication, not expressing emotions/feelings w/ each other...the list sort of goes on. From her perspective, she took my actions/responses as being disrespectful, paying her little attention, not putting her first, not having similar goals & responsibility, not hearing her, becoming just live-in friends. Our marriage has been seemingly okay before Christmas to me. As it is now, her 'giving up' a year ago has been misleading me the whole time. I questioned everything...myself as a husband & who I became...and saw how I failed her in what she needed. I don't have to explain the amount of mental/emotional heartbreak that caused me. I had to start bringing myself back to what I always intended to be: the husband who is beside his wife through anything, supporting and encouraging while bringing out the best in myself. I began a journal (written in it every day since) to focus on my thoughts & have an outlet. It led me to look at us/things differently a great deal. Which in turn opened me up to talking with her about things. That was my downfall. I kept pursuing. Kept asking. Kept looking for answers she couldn't give b/c she wasn't even close to knowing how to talk about them. We still said 'i love you', still kissed everyday, still were pleasant when I wasn't talking about 'things.' But the less she was able to talk, the more upset she grew. The more upset she grew, the more I thought something was going on that she wasn't telling me. She felt like she had shut down to me. All she could really talk about was work. She works long hrs, then goes to the gym, then home. We hardly have had any together time. That's something that I need from us. It makes me feel connected to her. My love language is that of emotional contact (kissing, hugs, affirmation, etc), while her's is based on getting things done & showing appreciation/respect for her. Neither of us were receiving any of it b/c of mile high emotional walls that were thrown up by her. She 'knows' how I'll react, so she reserves thoughts and appeases the situation. She has bottled things up for years and we never figured out how to resolve problems in ways that would help us. Now all those emotions, frustrations are coming out and she/we can't handle it. Then, this happened.

There came a night that I felt she was just being cold and uncaring by not paying any attention to me. My heart felt something was off. I sat down with her and asked about what I meant to her. She erupted again. But this time she explained that my 'strangling' & suffocating her w/ questions and conversation and pursuing of answers had led her to the breaking point. She said that she was leaving and that she 'doesn't want to be married to me'. I lost it. My wife. My best friend. My everything...is walking away from us. She needed time & space. Explained why. I agreed with her, but she had to promise that is did not mean we were finished. She agreed. I asked if she would be willing to work on us. She said 'I'll try'. I watched her pack so many things, only to pack the van and go. We kissed and hugged a couple times during this. We both cried. She was gone. Living temporarily somewhere for now, then somewhere else. Didn't say where.

We had a scheduled 'marriage' counselor mtg over a week after. She erupted again, but after I poured my heart out to her and asked forgiveness. She was bitter, cold, full of hate & resentment. Had a untold plan in her head. That she is better off. I questioned why she felt this b/c we had done nothing to work on our issues. Seemed like an easy way out for her. Just 'leave it there and move on with life'. Said she did not want to work on us. I told her that I will do anything to show her how much she means to me. We were able to start talking again (phone calls). Not often, but something. I read Weiner-Davis' DR, among a few other books that I thought could help me. They did, but needed more. Have been very spiritual lately since I realized how much I depend on her for my own self. That I wasn't much, didn't have much to guide me other than her. I began going to church/reading more and becoming immersed. Haven't let up yet.

Our calls have been pleasant. I've stopped pursuing, questioning, confronting her, but my brain won't stop thinking. We even laughed at times. We had a session scheduled w/ counselor but it was weeks away. She asked to meet one night. At this time it's been three weeks. Seen her once. I thought we would have dinner and just spend a little time together. Not the case. In short, she set this up to tell me that she was nowhere close to being ready to go to counseling with me. That she needed to figure herself out and what she wants in life/where to go in life. She is looking for an apartment. Said we need to be apart to better ourselves and such. That if in the long run if we stay married, then great. If not, that's okay too. 'Things will always work out.' I sat in silence. Destroyed inside, but can't show any weakness. I did the unthinkable. I supported her decision, saying that I love her enough to accept that she has to do this. That my arms are wide open if she wants to go to counseling again with me. That she means more to me than anything and I said I would do anything if it meant our marriage could be stronger in the end. That includes her doing this.

I feel absolutely awful inside now that she's told me of how far away she is mentally and emotionally. Her thoughts, anger, rage that had shown before had subsided and she seemed to be at peace telling me this. I asked calmly if she had filed anything, but she said no. We set some rules for this situation (discuss finances, be faithful to each other, use time to work on us, keep communication open, etc). It was the best I could do after hearing everything. I can't change her mind. It's not my place. She won't talk about anything and her being 'great' since she left has me thinking that she's willing to just let go of everything and start a new life. I don't know what to do anymore. For the last three weeks I've kept busy, gone to work, talked to family/friends, lost myself in learning to improve things, etc. All I can do is keep trying everything I can to become the husband she always needed and wanted, be her best friend again, and to bring myself to a higher level for myself and for our relationship. 

Anyone who has thoughts or similar situations, please respond. I'm trying to look at things in a positive light, but I feel like she's slipping away every day. Greatly appreciated. Thank you.


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## Heartbroken007 (Mar 31, 2011)

You seem to have what you need as far as support from others and your spirituality. Unfortunately we cannot change what others choose to do, even if they once were your life partner. Clearly she is searching for herself. Try to better yourself and stay busy. She is. 
Don't let the memories of what could have been, keep you from enjoying what life still has to offer you. I know this is not easy...
Im only about 10 days into my separation boy I feel stronger knowing that I have accepted that its over. You will feel better once you gain acceptance too.
Keep reading others stories, they have helped me immensely. Alot of great people on here. Good luck.


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## lost_&_trying (Apr 4, 2011)

"Im only about 10 days into my separation boy I feel stronger knowing that I have accepted that its over. You will feel better once you gain acceptance too."

I thank you for your other words of encouragement, but I have a hard time coming to terms with this particular segment. I will not regard our marriage as being over until it actually is. There's been many contradictory things that have been said by her that start from one end of the spectrum labeled 'finished' to the near opposite end that hint at some possibility of things working out at some point. I look at our situation as extremely difficult, yet not without any sense of hope. This separation, in my eyes now, is the only thing that can save us. That it provides enough time for being introspective of ourselves and leading us to better understandings of what went wrong with our relationship...and how to go about healing those wounds. If I didn't believe this, I wouldn't have been accepting of it when she told me. As hard as that was, it was something I had to do for us.

I refuse to believe that my wife would give us up without actually having tried anything to solve the deep issues that we do have. Because until she proves me wrong, and that we have tried everything, I've got optimism that things can turn around for us. It may be a long while from now, but that's what I'm willing to do for myself and for her. To allow us to grow and be stronger together in marriage than we ever have been.

Please don't ever lose sight of what's at stake.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

It really sounds like she's cheating on you. I'm so sorry. But a lot of this is very similar to my story. Our 10 year marriage was great up until November. Now we have been separated a month under the premise of reconciling, but instead he's already seen an attorney and called a mediator. The whole suffocating thing, I've heard it. Rewriting history, I've heard it. They become pessimistic and hopeless, while you are looking at your history and saying "we can do this." 

All you can do is be the better option. Strong, independent, show you can go on without her. No pleading, reasoning, begging. Just be strong. I know it's hard when you are dying inside, but watch what you do because it's just pushing her away because it reminds her of the choice she has to make.


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## lost_&_trying (Apr 4, 2011)

I don't know. She said that she has no reason to lie to me given our situation. That she'll tell me the truth even if it hurts to. When we agreed on the ground rules I said to uphold our marriage vows. She immediately thought I was implying infidelity and said that 'that was NEVER an issue.' That in the couple times I've asked about it (the day she left), that it was never an issue between us. Something tells me inside that she's being honest about this. I was going more the avenue of honor, respect, since I would hope that she would give me respect in return b/c of what I'm doing for her.

What concerns me though is the amount of time that passes before she's ready to go together to counseling. I'm afraid that individual sessions for an increasing time are going to do more damage than good for us. I hope I'm wrong and that she is able to look at herself and us in different ways to get past all the negativity she has stored up...to see for herself that we CAN change and in better ways for each other. I want so bad to go together to the sessions, but I can't seem to change her mind. I've doubted the reason for going alone recently b/c I don't leave feeling very positive...like I'm just getting reactions and little insight or explanation. I need to research other therapists...more 'solution-oriented' and advocates of marriage. I often wonder if the one we have now helped encourage this? 'Make yourself happy first' kind of thing....you know?


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## gypsygirl (Apr 6, 2011)

Sounds like you have been through a mirrored copy of me, the coldness and unwillingness to open up. I have made the choice myself, which was helped by things that were said to me that tore me apart.

Not really got any solid advice, I know I started divorce but that is not for everyone and you sound like your willing to fight for what you had, but in all honesty if she isn't willing to fight too it'll never work.

Thats the hard, cold honest truth that i had to admit too


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Sounds like cheating to me. Are you sure there is no OM in the picture? Your story about the anger,resentment and the "all of a sudden our marrige has not been great for a while" seems similar to my own story. But since I was not getting answers from him I went out and found out for myself. It was not pretty, he filed we are divorced now. Stay strong, you are not the only one on this boat.


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## lost_&_trying (Apr 4, 2011)

I want to be believe there is no OM when she tells me she has no reason to lie to me. She said that that was never an issue in all of this that's happened, esp after I asked multiple times. I know she's been living with a female coworker who is married. I actually have to honestly say that I believe her that she's telling the truth. I've adopted a sense to know when she's telling me something that she wants me to hear. I don't have that feeling when she says there is no one else. Sure it's crossed my mind. But if there's any chance of rebuilding trust that was lost between us, it has to start somewhere.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

It seems like we can all relate to your story... BUT everyone has different thoughts based on their own experience.

I can relate to your story as well. H. wanted to search himself ...told me at the beginning everything will be OK ..he just needs some time.Than started getting cold again,told me it was over and he knows inside his heart that "this is it"...he's told me this 2 times . Each time he called shortly after to tell me that he didn't feel right saying this ...he felt sick. He kept saying he is confused.
The 1st 1-2 months i begged him ,wrote love letters ...all the bad stuff lol. Than i saw nothing changes and backed off ,was really pleasant and nice but no more begging, just told him to tell me his final because I was not willing to wait for months and I want to start moving on ...He said he understands and that is not fair to me. Kind of scared him that he is losing me basically,I all of a sudden appeared really strong in his eyes .Of course I was not,I was dying inside but made sure he sees me as strong and ready to take the final punch.Changed my appearance, I really made sure i looked good and made an impression that I'm fine.

Well 3 months after separation he decided to come back.He did say he was torn on what to do .
Well at the End of April we mark 5 months separation.We lived in different stated the whole time .We are now moving to where he is ,he rented a house.I'm yet to find out how we fix this and what will happen between us,it's a scary place BUT of course i'm grateful for the 2nd chance.

Wanted to let you know that in our case H. did NOT have OW,even though he was in another state the whole time i know that... almost 90% sure .I asked him so many times and I just know the guy,he actually works too much to be able to have an affair....but anyways he's always told me that it's not about that and he actually likes to be single and he does not want to be in a relationship... I even asked him if he is attracted to someone even if there is no response from that person...he absolutely denied it . I tend to believe him.
On another though he did kind of have an affair.... with his new single life lol ...it felt so good to him,no responsibilities,free as a bird,he's told me that ...
I wish you the best outcome for you...hang in there i know how hard it is to live day by day...


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## lost_&_trying (Apr 4, 2011)

Vivea--thank you so much for your story. I'm exactly the same...dying inside. But I'm doing my hardest to believe that there is no OM when she says it. She's living in a city about 35 mins away b/c of work locale right now I haven't heard anything about the 'end' from her other than her saying it could go either way (stay or part) in the long run. Like she's unsure. I begged/pleaded only on the day that she left when she told me. Then I realized I couldn't do anything to change her mind so her leaving had to happen. I realized that it was me going after her with questions and stuff that pushed her out. She couldn't take it anymore. We've had some phone calls since and they've been pleasant. Says she's great, but to me she's great b/c she's not near me or the problems we've had. Maybe she's not and is feeling the same torn up feelings as me but hiding it well. Who knows. We've seen each other twice, each time she initiates a kiss & big hug when we part. I hope that it means there's still something inside her for me. 

You said 5 months had passed before you moved back together. What did you do in the meantime? How did you keep your mind off of it? I find myself having a lot of bad days b/c I can't ever stop thinking about us. I know I shouldn't but even when I'm keeping busy or physically exerting myself, it's always there somehow. Even when with friends. I try to use it as motivation to do better things about myself to reach an ultimate goal. Trying to change for myself and for us. I'm sort of lost as to how to show consistent change to her when I don't see her. Trying not to talk on phone much either. We agreed on certain days of week we can talk. I refuse to talk every time just cause we're 'scheduled' though. Just makes me feel worse that I'm an appointment when we do. Looking for ways to make myself strong again both for me and for her to see.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Lost...it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do...and I've had quite hard things in life. These months of separation have been HELL for me. As you can see in my siggie I have 2 kids as well,one being a baby...it was hard because i was physically weak and I had to take care of these kids...every day was struggle.The day would go by so slow ...one day felt like a week.

Honestly nothing was helping me,I moved near family,I joined a gym ...started going out...but my thoughts were racing 24/7 with constant anxiety ...my heart was so broken..it physically hurt. Thank God for some xanax so I could sleep at least 4-5 hrs at night. From healthy and fit 124 pounds I went to 108 in a matter of 1 month.It was horrible,i honestly thought I might end up in a hospital and was so scared because of the kids.

HE knew I'm not OK and lost so much weight,that I went to see a Doctor...BUT he couldn't process how hard this whole thing is on me.I had to drag him to the bathroom and show him how much weight I've lost so he could understand what he's putting me through...and even than he kind of smiled and thought it was a fun game. 

I'm sorry to tell you that nothing could take my mind of HIM...NOTHING...I just started living day by day and waiting...it was like a prison sentence in a way...My soul was in prison ...

I don't know how I managed to show myself as a strong person ,I guess it happened after i moved close to my family.The conversations were all about what we did today and how I met new people...he commented at one point that I sound really good and happy...(yeah right) I started talking only positive things to him,no more us ...I did send a few Emails to him but they were not begging ..more like painting a picture of how life is going to be for us and the kids,some explanations about the past ...they were very carefully worded so that he doesn't feel pressure from me.
I have only seen him a few times since we separated,every time I tried my best to look great,new clothes,new perfume....everything new...I could see that he was getting really intrigue by me...He always initiated hugs and kisses when he saw me,told me he misses me...I could just see in his eyes that he still has a thing for me.It was really obvious to me...that is why I didn't give up.

It's a good thing that she initiates hugs and kisses,this is really good sign.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sounds like she may be having an affair. Find out.


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## lost_&_trying (Apr 4, 2011)

I've been away from this for a few days, but still reading posts now and then. I'm at a point right now where as much as I try to sound positive when I talk to her, I'm being absolutely ripped apart inside. I've been extremely miserable and depressed over the weekend, thinking about the situation and the countless times we've shared that were so happy. Been trying to keep my mind off it, but thoughts have been coming at me like tidal waves nonetheless. She ended up moving to an apartment in the same town as me. What I do know is that she hasn't had much time to be alone since she left, living w/ a married friend. I've had nothing but alone time (with the dog at least). I'm not sure what to make of the situation b/c of this. We had agreed to keep communication open by setting a time for certain days to talk. I hate being an appointment. She likes the scheduled talks. I don't plan to talk all the time, just when there's something to say and I'm feeling confident and not dwelling. I don't know how to get through the days when I'm overwhelmed with it though. Days when I have our story being played out in my head over and over. I miss her so much. And I can't even tell her that without sounding needy. Talks have been pleasant. I've been mostly positive. When we talk she seems to want to be my friend and talks to me in sort of encouraging, supportive terms if I've done something to better myself. Like she's just giving me pep talks for my future. Those really hurt. I want to come out and ask if she intends to work on our problems b/c we haven't. But I don't want to crush any possibility of that happening by doing that, nor sound like I'm trying to control the sitch or force her into a spot decision. There's been small positive things she's said now an then that give me hope otherwise. She wanted though to go to IC to make ourselves better for while. Definitely not ready for going together yet. I'm scared that IC will pull us further apart b/c of ideas to 'focus on yourself & make yourself happy'. I'm not confident in the counselor either after going alone. I don't leave feeling positive about how she sees us. I want to go together but she won't anymore. Just not ready to talk about issues w/ me there. 

I've been having some of the worst few days as this all is storming through my head. I feel utterly alone and holding onto hope that she'll change toward us. I don't want to just be her friend for the rest of our lives. We've got too much together to give up on us that easily. I'm hoping and praying that this apartment allows for peace to think about us again and maybe miss me as well. I've got nothing but love for her and wish there was a way to take that and penetrate her heart. I feel helpless a lot. Keeping busy works sometimes, doing things for myself works sometimes, being w/ friends works sometimes, but she's always on my mind. Always has been. Even when things were good between us. She's everything to me and the more days pass by, the more it hits me that she's not here. It brings me down beyond words can say.


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## alicewonderland (Feb 11, 2011)

Sorry for what you are going through but I agree with the others, she is cheating on you. Its hard to see things clearly when you are emotional and upset. When you clear your mind you may be able to put some puzzles together and work out what is really happening. For now keep busy and time will unveil what it really is.


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## lost_&_trying (Apr 4, 2011)

*please help*

I'm destroyed inside right now and don't know where else to turn. I'm absolutely torn apart over what she' done. Please help if you can.

An update from my initial post: She moved into a new apartment. Said she'd be back to the house to grab a few things that she wanted for her new place and I agreed to it. As I was gone, she came. When I returned, I see that she has taken every personal possession of hers, packed it up and took it with her. She completely cleaned the house out from top to bottom of everything that was hers...down to the smallest insignificant piece of garbage. She left behind the photo albums of us (wedding, etc) and a bunch of cards we've given each other over the years. Framed pics of us she left too. Everything that she saw as hers is now gone. I broke down hard when I saw all this. It seems like she's disassociating herself with this house...with me. Like she's running away from the issues that led to this whole separation and is unwilling to even acknowledge or talk about anything with me. I did call her when I calmed down for a reason why she took everything. She wouldn't give me explanation. Just 'Im happy. I moved in. I took what was important to me...stuff you wouldn't care about.' Our pictures aren't important to her. Our memories. But some actual garbage from an old drawer is. I have such a unexplainable pain inside and everything seems distant. I'm hurt beyond belief b/c she told me again me what she wanted me to hear. A few things. Now it's everything. I'm looking for any possible answers. She hasn't mentioned any d word, hasn't filed anything. My emotions are shredded b/c I feel like she totally abandoned me and the situation we're in. Can anyone please offer any hope out of this? I don't want to feel worse than I do right now by getting 'move on' feedback. We were using this time to focus on ourselves before she was ready to talk about us. Is this an ultimate way to focus on yourself? To make it seem like you never lived w/ your husband for this long? I've got so many things running through my head and don't know how to make sense of it all. Thanks for listening


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