# Why Im Here



## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

Hey folks,

I thought if I was going to be dispensing what I pass off as advice or even my opinions, it may shed some light on why I think like I do if I share with yall why I am here.

First of all, Im a 34 YO man, been married for 8 years to the woman God put here just for me. We have two children, one 2.5 YO and a 2 month old, both boys and I love them like the air that I breathe.

The one shortcoming of my otherwise happy marriage is a general lack of sex. Except when making the babies. When I say "lack" what I mean is that its not abnormal to go 3 to 5 months without it. This isnt something thats come about since we started having children. This is something that's been going on since about 5 years ago. We have tried talking about it, tried most of the books (I'm looking at you 5 love languages) beside a brief uptick of intimacy, there has been no lasting effect.

This is not something big enough to stop me from loving her or from deviating from the sacred oaths I took before the lord and my family and friends. This is however, something that I feel like I am missing out on. In alot of ways it makes me sad to think of all the fun we could be having between the sheets, that I hope most couples share. Beside it being a general good time, I feel it's important to help two people feel closer, a special bond that only they can share. Marriage, to me, is forever and that is a mighty long time to go without sex.

Typically, I have to beg, grovel, promise and go well out of my for about 3 weeks to actually get lucky, if you can call it that. Now, when it does happen, it's the same position in the same place at the same time as it ever was. There is no spontaneity, no adventure and the lust is one sided. It's like she is going through the motions because it's her job or something. I dont know about you folks, but having sex with someone who doesnt really want to be there is not fun. You may as well be using a blow up doll.

The part that hurts my feelings the most is I cant help feeling like she just doesnt want to have sex, with me, or without me. I hope that I am not that unattractive. Im a good man, a good husband and a good father who aspires to be great in all of those categories.

She says she doesnt feel sexy. I try, all the time, to let her know I think she is the hottest thing to ever cross my vision. I touch her as often as I can, I tell her how beautiful she is all the time. I've done it all, nice candlelit dinner that I made for her with a bottle of wine and candles. Ive tried massage. I've tried watching romantic movies in the hopes that some fictitional love might spark her libido. Nothing, to date, has worked with any great effect.

This is also the type of issue that sometimes communication doesnt help. For instance, if we were to sit down and talk about it she feels like Im blaming her for all the sins of the world and that she's not good enough. Then it ends up with what I call pity sex. Again, sex with a disinterested partner is no fun.

I dont want to go through the rest of my life with a nonexistant sex life. It isnt the most important part of my life or marriage but it is A part.

In a perfect world this is what I would want :

1. A wife who wants sex...with me.

2. Be open to new places. Not like outdoors in public stuff, but how about the living room? Or in the office in the basement? Or the bathroom? Laundry room? Anywhere but the bedroom at 9pm with the lights out and the shades drawn and the door locked.

3. Open to new positions. Cowgirl is great. But so are the rest of them.

4. Open to oral. Both giving and receiving.

5. Someday, down the road, how about introducing some role playing, or toys. Not some freaky stuff. Just something new.

Ok, well, Ive now completely spilled my guts. You all now know more then everyone I know, except the wife, about my sex life. Any ideas?


John


----------



## preso (May 1, 2009)

You have really young children, I bet she is just tired.


----------



## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

If the issue had started after the children arrived, I would agree. But it started 3 years prior. Thanks though 





John


----------



## srena200 (Jul 13, 2009)

Dude, you cannot even get sex on a regular basis and you wanna make a list about having sex in public places?? Tip: Not gonna happen. Forget the 5 love languages that is crap. Your wife is Tired and screwing you is just another job after cooking, cleaning, takeing care of the kids, changing crappy diapers and then you think she wants to lay down and get knobbed? 
Try - this. Send her to a spa. Get her a facial manicure whatever she wants. When she comes home have dinner ready, candle lite. roses and be a romantic fool like you have never been before. If she does not respond to that... let her know you are at the point of seeking sexual relief elsewhere and let her make the choice of whether you get it at home or outside the home


----------



## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

You sound a lot like me. 

My wife has told me that she wants to have sex with me, but doesn't want to... if that makes sense. I've talked and talked and talked about if there is ANYTHING I can do. She says that it's not my fault, and she's just a woman.... What the hell does that mean?

Basically, I think it's a hormonal combined with a self-image problem. But I'm not really sure what to do to fix it.


----------



## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

srena200 said:


> Dude, you cannot even get sex on a regular basis and you wanna make a list about having sex in public places?? Tip: Not gonna happen. Forget the 5 love languages that is crap. Your wife is Tired and screwing you is just another job after cooking, cleaning, takeing care of the kids, changing crappy diapers and then you think she wants to lay down and get knobbed?
> Try - this. Send her to a spa. Get her a facial manicure whatever she wants. When she comes home have dinner ready, candle lite. roses and be a romantic fool like you have never been before. If she does not respond to that... let her know you are at the point of seeking sexual relief elsewhere and let her make the choice of whether you get it at home or outside the home


You and Preso need to crawl out of the hole you guys are in.... Not every freaking husband on this board makes there wife do everything under the sun for them while they sit on the couch drinking beer and eating potato chips!!!!!! 

I've seen you give this exact response before. WAKE UP!!! It's always, "She's Tired" "She does too much for you" "All you guys do is think with your penis and don't respect what your woman does". While some men do this, it's not all men. FREAKING GROW UP AND REALIZE THAT!!!!!!!


----------



## agatha (Jun 6, 2009)

Gpr what a mean remark! Anyway I think I am like that b4 my H cheated. 1st & main reason is I am not that interested in sex anymore. 2nd reason is sometimes I am tired. I am just pretty comfortable with our life, marriage/family that I didnt realized then that I was denying him "A part" of our marriage. Well now dont want him to wonder elsewhere so I " reconditioned" myself, making it 1 of my priorities to please him bec I love him and want our marriage to last and be happy together.


----------



## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

agatha said:


> Gpr what a mean remark! Anyway I think I am like that b4 my H cheated. 1st & main reason is I am not that interested in sex anymore. 2nd reason is sometimes I am tired. I am just pretty comfortable with our life, marriage/family that I didnt realized then that I was denying him "A part" of our marriage. Well now dont want him to wonder elsewhere so I " reconditioned" myself, making it 1 of my priorities to please him bec I love him and want our marriage to last and be happy together.


I just made a post with something about this, with the comfort thing and worrying about him leaving. I might start a thread about it, so I don't hijack this one.


----------



## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Sometimes, being Mommy does suck that sexy feeling right out of you, and then you get stuck in a rut. That rut, and some other issues, practically ruined my marriage. Things have turned around dramatically for us, since about the end of May. My H had checked out, an affair had developed on his part, and that was coupled with his depression and thoughts of suicide....in the midst of all of that chaos, I found myself again. I started going to the gym....actually doing something for MYSELF. Not to lose weight so much, as to tone up after having two kids, but even more so, as a stress relief for what I was going thru at home. 
Fast forward to NOW...and my H tells me all the time now how amazing, how sexy and beautiful I am. NOW, damn if i don't believe him...where I never did before. It HAS to come from inside your wife, is the point I am trying to get at, before you "telling" her how sexy she is, will ever resonate within her. Our sex life had always been stellar, but yeah, I got caught up in my role (mommy, provider, housekeeper) and it sucked the "me" right out of me. 

Today, thanks to me finding myself again, our sex life is off the charts....my H can't get enough, and neither can I. I'm a better mommy to our boys, because I've gotten a part of me back that I had let go...nobody did it to me, it was my fault,but we ALL suffered. My H and I are closer than we have ever been...we pull together, make sure each knows how much the other appreciates things, and we make sure there is time for US. It's been a win/win/win situation all the way around. 

I guess, the point to my long winded post is that it just does not sound like she ever really knew herself, and until she gets that part of herself ....learns to really love herself, she may never feel sexy, and that may translate into no nookie, or bad nookie. You can tell her all you want that you think she is sexy, but until SHE believes it, there is always going to be that mental block there.


----------



## agatha (Jun 6, 2009)

I was just stating that perhaps Notting's wife just feels what I felt b4. Didnt mean to hijack his post if thats what it looks like.


----------



## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

agatha said:


> I was just stating that perhaps Notting's wife just feels what I felt b4. Didnt mean to hijack his post if thats what it looks like.


No, I didn't say you were hijacking. I was just saying I didn't want to hijack with a story about me and my wife.


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

What seems to be fairly common from what I've read on here and in books is that men think of sex, have sexual urges, feel the need to have sex way more than women do (not always but pretty common) For many women, it is out of sight out of mind and many of us can go without it for a long time w/o much thought. I think Mommybean said it well...not feeling sexy, feeling self-conscious only adds to not wanting to get naked and she is right, all the words won't help until she feels it herself.

My H and I went through a similar experience as Mommybean and like them, are doing great now in all areas. Besides working on myself and taking more time for myself (vs. mom and wife) I also needed to better understand my H's needs and be more open sexually...for many women that goes against how we were raised and can be a hurdle.

I certainly wouldn't recommend threatening an affair or having one, but I would start with a book called 'It's a guy thing' by david deida...read it yourself first...probably can relate to much of what he says...but when I read it, I was a little shocked...it opened my eyes to some things I was not aware of as far as how men think...I found this book on my own...so I'm not sure how well received it would be if you give it to her...but you may want to give it a try.


----------



## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

srena200 said:


> Dude, you cannot even get sex on a regular basis and you wanna make a list about having sex in public places?? Tip: Not gonna happen. Forget the 5 love languages that is crap. Your wife is Tired and screwing you is just another job after cooking, cleaning, takeing care of the kids, changing crappy diapers and then you think she wants to lay down and get knobbed?
> Try - this. Send her to a spa. Get her a facial manicure whatever she wants. When she comes home have dinner ready, candle lite. roses and be a romantic fool like you have never been before. If she does not respond to that... let her know you are at the point of seeking sexual relief elsewhere and let her make the choice of whether you get it at home or outside the home



Ok, I suggest you read what I wrote. I said *not* public places. Just other places in my house. Secondly, I do the cooking. I do half the cleaning. I Take care of the kids, I change poopy diapers.

She is not alone in the day to day chores of life and raising a family.


Also, let me reiterate on an important point that is seemingly getting lost here. This lack of sexual activity started years BEFORE children. So while I appreciate the fact that post children can make the symptoms worse, as far as self-esteem, not thinking she's hot anymore, I get it, I really do. But like I said before, this has been going on since before.

Ive tried the romantic dinners, the send her to the spa for a half day stuff. It hasnt worked. Seeking sexual relief outside the marriage, for any reason, is unacceptable to me. Its almost alien. Not to mention repugnant and disrespectful.


John


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

GPR said:


> You and Preso need to crawl out of the hole you guys are in.... Not every freaking husband on this board makes there wife do everything under the sun for them while they sit on the couch drinking beer and eating potato chips!!!!!!
> 
> I've seen you give this exact response before. WAKE UP!!! It's always, "She's Tired" "She does too much for you" "All you guys do is think with your penis and don't respect what your woman does". While some men do this, it's not all men. FREAKING GROW UP AND REALIZE THAT!!!!!!!



^^^i've said it many times^^^, but never that well.

i think women are complicated creatures and just are high maintenence by nature. i truly think my wife is only happy when things are messed up. to make thngs simple would drive her crazy.

there is no question that young children are a huge strain to a woman/mother. i was very understanding and extremely patient througout that phase, but that was long ago for me, and it hasnt gotten any better. i have come to the conclusion that my wife is just happy with a once a month fling, it's just that way with some people (men and women).


----------



## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

Could your wife possibly be gay or bisexual? Just wondering as I have had a few female friends who came to this realization in their 30's. You sound like an awesome husband and father. Your wife is a very lucky woman. Got any like minded single friends??


----------



## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

LoL if she turns out to be gay, I'll let ya know  Bisexual I think I can work with



John


----------



## undecidedjen (Jun 26, 2009)

As a women I understand how your wife feels. I ve been married 25 years. I have to say after the 3 rd child, there was the Im tired, uninterested, bla bla bla. I just didnt want to. I couldnt say why. After 23 years and 1 1/2 years of seperation, the sex became great. I suppose it was because I made a huge effort because I knew it was important to him. It all turned around on me though because it has gotten to where when we have sex now it is all about pleasuring him. I get less and less and geve more and more. Anyway getting side tracked. I have to say when I had a different attitude about it and tried giving more, it was better. Well for a while. I hear women all the time, day after day, say how they never want to have sex. I guess thats what it means shesjust a women. Sometimes you just cant help it if you dont want it. Im shocked at how little married couples are having sex. I regret that for so many years I didnt try harder and think of him more. Now Im willing and want to but we have other issues and problems that seem to interfere. Its not all just sex with women. Its so much more. How youve treated her that day or the past week. This is probably not much help. I know how important it is to most men but to women everything else is more important. You know all the emotional stuff. Marriage is so hard. It is not what we thought it would be when we are young.


----------



## agatha (Jun 6, 2009)

:iagree::iagree:

You can ask her if she is happy with her life right now. If she is happy being married to you. If she is content with your marriage. Ask her if there is something you could do more to improve your marriage(if there is something that needs to improve). After hearing her then you say what you think is lacking. Explain why its important and why you need it. You can tell her these things half seriously, half joking to make the conversation light. Timing should be very good. If she is in the happy mood, not tired or when you both have the "us" time. Its like your work. In production machines should have its weekly check-up and maintenance to keep it in good shape and running good so it would produce quality products and less issues. Every week or every month both of you should have the maintenance. The issues (if you have) for that month, reiterate the goals and how to better improve your relationship with each other. My husband introduce this to our marriage since day 1. And we follow this to make our marriage running smoothly. I guess I have to copy this post for GPR if you dont mind. I hope this would help your marriage. But if you did problems (like cheating) make a commitment to make up for it. And make it known to her that you are doing it in words and in action.


----------



## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

agatha said:


> :iagree::iagree:
> 
> But if you did problems (like cheating) make a commitment to make up for it. And make it known to her that you are doing it in words and in action.



Never in my life have I cheated. She knows that. I cant even watch movies with cheating in it, It just makes me upset and I cant enjoy the movie. Unfaithful for example. I hear its a good movie but I just cant stand to watch it 

Ill talk to her about a preventative maintenance schedule. Its a good idea. Your right, it may help both GPR and myself. Seems we have similar issues.


John


----------



## agatha (Jun 6, 2009)

I am happy to be of help. Make a schedule of quality time for you and your wife and time with the kids. its like back in the dating time. We usually (hubby and me) go to movies every saturday, stroll at the mall or just dine in a good restaurant (like food tripping). Anything that you enjoy both. On saturday night or friday night we go out with friends together (which usually compose of my 2 brothers their friends, and gfs, my cousins and their suitor which happens to be my brothers friend) for a midnight coffee in starbucks or a movie too. Then on Sunday we make it a point to go to church as a family and go out where kids would be happy. That's our life pretty simple. Hubby is so much particular with quality time. He states what would make him content and happy. Only three things he said, food on the table, take care of the kids and making love every weekends. I said what if I am not in the mood? His reply is I would not force you but I will not stop trying to make you in the mood. My reply is ok lets just see. But often he always wins. Glad to make him happy and vice versa. Keep the communication open ALWAYS. We from the very start talk anything under the sun. Thats one of our quality time, talking. If you see/feel something is wrong we immediately talk. If we dont agree to one another, we just let the day past and make our heads "cold" so we can understand each others point and shortcomings then we talk again until its resolve.


----------



## agatha (Jun 6, 2009)

By the way the movie "unfaithful" is good. We watched it together as usual. You might find on those kind of films tips/scenarios what to avoid or do for your marriage's sake. So you could better understand your oppossite sex (your wife) reasons why, how etc... Life is a continous process of learning as well as marriage. It takes two to tango. So always include her in everything, your dreams, goals, thoughts etc.. make her your best friend. Spend each day as it is your last. ( Let her know this, its always melt my heart whenever hubby do sweet things and lets me know that he is doing it bec we never know if he is still alive tom or if he can come home alive that day). please let me know if this works on your marriage.


----------



## agatha (Jun 6, 2009)

okeydokie said:


> ^^^i've said it many times^^^, but never that well.
> 
> i think women are complicated creatures and just are high maintenence by nature. i truly think my wife is only happy when things are messed up. to make thngs simple would drive her crazy.
> 
> there is no question that young children are a huge strain to a woman/mother. i was very understanding and extremely patient througout that phase, but that was long ago for me, and it hasnt gotten any better. i have come to the conclusion that my wife is just happy with a once a month fling, it's just that way with some people (men and women).


okidoc please do not generalize that all women are complicated. You ( men ) are just too simple of your needs. :rofl:


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

undecidedjen said:


> I know how important it is to most men but to women everything else is more important.


thank you, thats exactly what i have been saying.


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

agatha said:


> okidoc please do not generalize that all women are complicated. You ( men ) are just too simple of your needs. :rofl:



what is wrong with simple needs? i don't think it's a generalization to say women are complicated. i didn't mean it to sound as if i was blaming the female gender for all the problems. trying to figure out the battle of the sexes has been an ions long quest and it will never be solved.


----------



## jivey (Jun 18, 2009)

Hay Nothingman, Have you tried just taking your wife in what ever room you are in and being dominant and getting her in the mood.if she try to stop you. tell her no and continue.. I do not mean to rape her. but, try to be more aggressive


----------



## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

Good idea. I look forward to a knee in the junk and a slap in face then perhaps spending a night in the pokey. Good advice




John


----------



## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

Hey, I've done it before. It can work, but it can backfire. 

If you can kind of take them by surprise, they don't think as much about not wanting to do it.


----------



## kozzy (Jul 2, 2009)

agatha said:


> Gpr what a mean remark! Anyway I think I am like that b4 my H cheated. 1st & main reason is I am not that interested in sex anymore. 2nd reason is sometimes I am tired. I am just pretty comfortable with our life, marriage/family that I didnt realized then that I was denying him "A part" of our marriage. Well now dont want him to wonder elsewhere so I " reconditioned" myself, making it 1 of my priorities to please him bec I love him and want our marriage to last and be happy together.


I don't think GPR was being mean. He's just frustrated with the dozens and dozens and dozens of posts that basically say, If you were nicer to your wife, she'd put out. 

If your spouse does not recognize a certain issue as a problem (in this case lack of sex), all the niceties in the world are not going to convince them to change their behavior.


----------



## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

A low sex drive is not strictly a women issue. I know no one is claiming it is, but I think it's worth looking at it not as it's not happening because of something related to being a woman. 

With my H and I, it's H who isn't as interested as me. Now, it's not a huge discrepancy, not by a long shot, so it's a non issue. 

I completely understand having kids can be so draining, I can really see that side of it. With me, after being 'mommy' all day I so look forward to when I can take a break from it and have some fun D) with my H. Although, I see being a mom all day as having a little bit of a benefit... taking care of the house and running around after a toddler all day means I'm being physical most of the day, so I'm use to expending that kind of energy. What's another hour? My H, however, spends his day at a stressful desk job and isn't used to being as active. 

Anyway... my questions are these, is there anything you can think of that might have started being a stress for her when you noticed the sex tapering off? How was your sex life before? Any changes in her health? When you've talked about it before, did she mention missing that connection with you at all? I would think one would miss the emotion value of sex, not just the physical, so I wonder about that a bit.

I do hope you find something to help, for both of you.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Did your wife work full time before kids? Were there any other changes? Is there any chance she was sleep-deprived even before kids? Consider that a huge portion of Americans are sleep deprived and a huge portion of women report low libido--I suspect the two are related. 

If you talk to your wife about sleep and find out she might have or had sleep deprivation (and anything less than 8 solid hours MOST NIGHTS leads to sleep deprivation for most people), work to increase her opportunities to get GOOD sleep. It may mean big changes, and may have to wait if she is breast feeding a 2 mo old. Small kids suck sleep out of moms for years, usually--in my own case, 4 years of waking most nights b/c kids woke, had ear infections monthly, etc., etc., etc. Regardless, she can be sleep deprived if you snore, for example--which might precede the kids. 

Do not try to exchange "favors" for sex. You are BOTH responsible for carrying the load and you aren't "helping her." That is soooooo annoying to see, that men think b/c they "help out" they deserve more sex. As long as one of you is working, the other should be too. No one rests until both can rest. 

Also, have her talk to her doctor about evaluating hormones, etc., and looking into medical causes of a low libido. 

I will say that nothing made me more resentful than having demands on me sexually when I was so sleep deprived I found myself driving with the windows down in frigid weather just to stay awake. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture for a VERY good reason; it is psychologically devastating. If you explore this, you may find an answer to her low libido. Be sure to consider a sleep study, or at least a good tape recorder, for you (to see if you snore). Also, people wake a lot at night w/o remembering it, so a sleep study for her may also be in order. Good luck!!


----------



## elattoo (Jul 4, 2009)

John,

Lots of good advice here from the ladies, thinking of MommyBean and others. And you seem to be doing all that you can to care and love your wife during this time. That's great, and rare.

Consider this though in addition to the other things...try to not think of sex as something you have to have, and that if you don't ever have it again your marriage won't survive. Hear me out (I'm hearing the groans from the other guys). It's totally a perspective thing, in my opinion. There are plenty of scenarios we could come up with that would require you to go without it forever. I find it interesting that we put so much emphasis on sex, even in the Christian church. If you're not having "worshipful" sex once a week, then your marriage isn't right. 

I'm not saying you shouldn't have it or enjoy it. We are even encouraged in the Bible to only abstain "for a time" (1 Cor. 7:5). However, it's this belief that most of us men have that it's a God-given right and if we don't have it then our wives are depriving us of a "need". 

Here's my suggestion, for whatever it's worth. Keep on doing all those great things that you do. Give her a back rub every night, buy her flowers once a week, whatever. But try and hold back on any advances for a while. It will require some self control, but over time you will get there. Learn to love your wife for other reasons (which it sounds like you really do), and to get joy and satisfaction from pleasing her. However, don't purposely withhold sex in hopes that she will be starved and come begging...probably won't happen. But maybe, it will give her a reprieve of sorts and take some of the stress and monotony out of it. As far as every room in the house, you may need to put that thought out of your mind for a while. But that's just me. 

Read Sacred Marriage and see if that helps with your perspective. It, among other things, did wonders for my marriage.

Kevin
Refining Marriage


----------

