# stepdaughter told my husband that I was not allowed to attend her HS graduatio



## cher0511 (May 15, 2017)

I'm in this same exact situation now! Only difference is I've been with hubby for years (10 years) and suddenly I'm an issue. I'm not allowed to attend prom photos, I'm not allowed at graduation or the party. I've suddenly been a problem when I wasn't before. It all happened as soon as my stepdaughter turned 18. I was deleted on social media, etc. No one has tried to fix it and the only comment I get is well let's just "let it ride". The mom supports her decision too. So after spending almost 10 years of my life helping to raise this kid, spend money, etc., I'm now excluded from all the important things coming up in her life. It's frustrating...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@cher0511

You had posted this on a 3 year old thread. I moved it to a thread of your own so you can get support here.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Cher,

Step children can be very hard to deal with. I have a step son and step daughter. They are both in their late 20’s now.

For most step parents, these relationships are difficult. We often put a lot of time, effort and money into step children only to be treated as though we are the evil step parent from fairy tales.

Have you pulled back? I would suggest that. There is nothing you can do at this point to change the girl’s mind.

When my step children were being difficult, the one thing that they never stopped doing was expecting/asking for money from me. I eventually realized this is all they were interested in and cut off the money.

I feel for you as I’m sure you have invested a lot in his child.

Has your husband told your step daughter that she’s just wrong in what she is doing? Or is he pandering to her?


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

cher0511 said:


> I'm in this same exact situation now! Only difference is I've been with hubby for years (10 years) and suddenly I'm an issue. I'm not allowed to attend prom photos, I'm not allowed at graduation or the party. I've suddenly been a problem when I wasn't before. It all happened as soon as my stepdaughter turned 18. I was deleted on social media, etc. No one has tried to fix it and the only comment I get is well let's just "let it ride". The mom supports her decision too. So after spending almost 10 years of my life helping to raise this kid, spend money, etc., I'm now excluded from all the important things coming up in her life. It's frustrating...


So, what brought this on?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

This is so painful.

Sometimes it is not step children that do this. It is your' own.

Answer:

Do an "appropriate" 180 on them.

Do not initiate any contact with them.
Let them call you.
Always be friendly but keep it cool...never icy. You do not want to give them "cause" for their behavior. 
No apologies ever. 
No trying to mend fences, 
No begging them for forgiveness.
Be happy when they are around. Pretend that they do not exist.

They have a photographic memory and can rattle off the "bad" things you did and said as would a jackhammer. Painful to hear. When she starts this behavior, tell her you are sorry she feels that way and leave the room.
Do not give her a breath of your time.


Sometimes they mature and get better. You are mature and will not get over this. Why should you?

Make sure this one is cut out of your will.

Now, I went and said all this assuming you did not "steal' her Dad away from the birth mother by having an affair with the father before their divorce. Obviously her real mother has been planting poison in her mind.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Thursday evening, we were working on a water diversion project out here on the ranch! I went to the local steakhouse to grab burgers to go for our workers!

While at the steakhouse waiting on the food, who should walk in but one of my RSXW's three drug head kids, who obviously must have been there as an invitee at someone's birthday dinner!

He was a perfect example of a lout who always borrowed money but never ever offered to pay it back! He stared incessantly at me, but I didn't even acknowledge him as he had said some rather unkind and untrue things about me during the separation and divorce from my RSXW!

These are the types of stepchildren that I absolutely want nothing to do with! Ever!*


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

You can't force someone to like/love you. Find a way to communicate to her that you are dismayed to be cut out of her life and invite her to talk to you about it. Then let it be. She is now an adult and will make her own decisions no matter what your thoughts or feelings are. She may reach out to you now, later or never. 

Most of all, do not enlist your husband or any other family members to advocate for you. You'll most likely only strain those relationships as well. Few people want to be put in the middle of a family dispute.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'm a stepmum too OP, and I really feel for you. 

I've not been in this situation but I would be terribly hurt if I ever was. Bless her heart, my darling stepdaughter has never said to me "You're not my mum!" or "I don't have to listen to you!" or anything like that...and she knows I would be terribly hurt and upset if she did.

I think in your position I would also feel a sense of...not sure it's the right word but it's all I have right now...betrayal(?) if my husband went along with this kind of behaviour. I know that's wrong of me, talk about him being caught between a rock and a hard place! Essentially having to choose between his wife and daughter...

I don't think there's any harm in your husband asking his daughter what has brought about this sudden change...there must be a reason. This doesn't just come out of nowhere. Can you think of anything that was said/done that could have led to this? Even something unintentional that could have been misconstrued?


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

cher0511 said:


> I'm in this same exact situation now! Only difference is I've been with hubby for years (10 years) and suddenly I'm an issue. I'm not allowed to attend prom photos, I'm not allowed at graduation or the party. I've suddenly been a problem when I wasn't before. It all happened as soon as my stepdaughter turned 18. I was deleted on social media, etc. No one has tried to fix it and the only comment I get is well let's just "let it ride". The mom supports her decision too. So after spending almost 10 years of my life helping to raise this kid, spend money, etc., I'm now excluded from all the important things coming up in her life. It's frustrating...


probable tainted by the bio mom.

whats your husbands take on this?

if I were in your husbands shoes I would talk with her and try to explain that she benefited from your love and generosity as a step mom and her attitude towards you is just appalling.



But in the end I would let her come to her senses or not. I don't know how helpful I would be if she alienated herself from me and my wife. 


did your husband cheat on his x with you and then end up marring you? I only ask because I could see an 18yr old having trouble digesting that.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Can you tell us a little more about the circumstances of the divorce. Was this an acrimonious one where the allegation is that the new stepmom was having an affair which broke up the marriage. Pardon me for being a little skeptical, but is her mother playing a role in this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that the OP is long gone.


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