# Seperation and confusion



## eagleyes (Oct 26, 2012)

Hi Folks,
I am thinking of how to keep this short and to the point, but it’s turned out to be one long post, please bear with me.
Me and the wife are married for 9 years - we are both 33 and post graduates in management. We have a darling 4 year old son. I am employed in a middle-senior management role and have been working quite hard for the past 9 odd years. My salary and designations have been going up although I am very unhappy with my current assignment. I have had a total of 3 jobs in the past 9 years (current included). I have been in my current job for just under 2 years and was at my last place of work for over 5 years. I have been getting excellent ratings and reviews at all my workplaces, but I feel I have not done as well as some of my peers despite being talented and hard working. I especially dislike my current assignment due to the culture, extended work hours and a long commute (I leave home at 8 am and come back at 10 PM, work at least 2 saturdays every month).
My wife has been running her own business for the past 10 odd years and has never worked (at a job) after her MBA. She unfortunately has not been doing well at all and just about contributes 30% to the household expenses. This has been the case right since the start. I have never been able to 'do my thing' or take up a lesser paying job that I love simply because being the man, I've had to keep the house up and running. For the first 5 years of our lives, we stayed in my parents’ house (they have another in a different city where they live) - about 4 years ago, they sold this house to buy a bigger one in the same city, but the home is taking time due to regulatory and financial hurdles on part of the developer. Part of the reason they sold this house was because my wife wanted to be close to her business due to our new born son. I never wanted a baby to begin with, but the wife got pregnant and I did not have the heart to ask her to give it up (would have been so so so unfair and damn, do I adore my son) – this meant a much longer commute for me and a large rental component that I have been paying for the past 3.5 years.
Now, a little about my past – my parents have had a pretty tumultuous relationship – my father did not do well professionally (although he was always employed and also got a large inheritance which he put away for family) and my mom was the one with the more ‘solid’ job. She pretty much resented my dad for this and looked down upon him. This led to arguments and I suffered from OCD regarding my father’s well being. I always thought something would happen to him and he would die in an accident. I was 10 years old at the time. It got so bad, I couldn’t get myself to school and would make all sorts of excuses to just stay at home. I followed the classic ‘compulsions’ of wearing the same clothes, looking at the same advertising boards and other crazy things in the hope that by doing these, my dad would be safe. I was also beset by guilt that my behaviour was causing even more stress to my parents. Add to this, my elder sister (my only sibling) went to private medical school and my parents paid through their nose, increasing the stress in my home even more.
This anxiety and depression has never left me and continues to haunt me even today. My insecurity has changed from my father’s well being (well, now that my folks are older, they don’t fight so much and even if they do, I know it’s not gonna mean anything) to financial security. I have been saving large portions of my money ever since I’ve started working. Today, after 9 long years, I am able to earn double my expenses (not including rent) of running the home by way of interest on my investments. 
Unfortunately, doing this has meant cutting down on the luxuries of life. Because my wife’s income has been low, I have never owned a car (we have a 9 year old Toyota that does the job just fine – all serviced and maintained, mostly by me)...I always take the train or the bus and really rough it out. No fancy gadgets for me (although I just bought an ipad on a recent business trip – it is now monopolised by junior 
Never took fancy vacations (although we have averaged one big one every 3 years and about 4 small ones with her family, mostly) – I have enough and more life insurance and health insurance (excluding one from my employer), it is a floater policy and covers all 3 of us. I have been paying all premiums. I pay my toddler’s school fees (although the wife has paid the last 6 months). I pay the rent, electricity, half of all groceries, telephone, internet, cable and medicines including large ticket purchases like a washing machine, air conditioner and TV. And I salt away money for a rainy day. The wife pays for day care, half groceries, sundries and the maid. She also pays for my son’s toys (so do I, when I am the one buying) and her shopping. 
Now, this has also meant no fancy dinners or big gifts for the wife (she has given me no big gifts either), not much time spent with her, and my growing resentment about her doing badly professionally. I have even loaned her business a largish amount (about 3% of my net worth) over 2 years back. She resents me because I have not been much of a companion (the sex life is quite screwed), wanting to be alone on most Sundays and berating her for not doing well. 
About 15 days ago, she walked out and went to her folks’ house with my son. She comes from a family where the husband (her dad) has been a provider and her mother a house wife. They are also much, much wealthier that I am. They have never helped me financially, and I have never asked them to. Her dad thinks I am not being ‘man’ enough for expecting her to do well and that I should be the one of carry the home. 
I am confused over whether I should call her bluff and ask her to walk or is there something I am missing? I understand I need help with my depression, but I am sure that will not solve our issues.


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## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

Your post gives a lot of useful background, but I do not feel I have a good sense for what your relationship with your wife was like before she left.

1) Do you consider her your best friend? does she?
2) What sorts of things did you do together?
3) How many hours a week did you spend together as a family? as a couple?
4) Were you satisfied with your sexual relationship with your wife? vice versa?

It's not uncommon for a wife to walk out of a marriage if it is emotionally unfulfilling. Do you think you two were meeting each other's emotional needs?


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