# Is it all still a game?



## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

My sister and I was having a conversation this morning about our spouses. We married brothers by the way. Her husband has cheated multiple times and she knows this but has chosen to forgive him again and again. Because that is my husband's brother, I had a very hard time not wanting to kill him because of seeing how hurt my sister was. At one point, everyone in the family gave her money to get a lawyer to start divorce proceedings. When he was served with the papers, he came crawling back. I had to make peace that she wanted to remain in her situation.
Now, I found out 2 years ago that my husband cheated on me at least twice with the most recent being with my brother's wife. I forgive him but realize through response with posting on this site I agree that I rug swept our issues under the rug and possibly forgave too easily. I asked her that when you say you forgive someone doesn't that mean you don't bring up the topic again. I am still having trust issues with him and I don't know if that is going to change. The person that I had given my soul and heart is no longer recognizable to me. He has become more detached and I don't feel emotionally connected to him any more. I do as my pastor suggest and don't deny him access to my body but I no longer feel valued or wanted by him. 
My sister suggested that I make him jealous by flirting, and obtaining male friends. It seemed ridiculous as if something a teenager might do to gain attention from a boyfriend. When I got married, I no longer looked or craved attention from the other sex. When I'm approached by someone, I readily tell them that I am married. I'm 45 years old and I though playing these childish game would be over after I got married. To make it worst, I am really considering it. Because I forgave too easily, I don't want him to think I'm a pushover and I'll accept this behavior from him.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

If you don't want to be a push over you should leave. Reconciliation can only happen if he is truly remorseful. Many times true remorse only happens when you've left the marriage. Giving him access to your body didn't fix anything. It's just continued rug sweeping.


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## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

You should follow the advice you gave your sister and divorce him.forget the advice of the pastor it is easy for him to say give up access to your body and forgive he is not going through what you are.ask your family to do for you what they were going to do for your sister and dump him.don't play these silly tit for tat flirting games.find somebody better.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Your sister is the last person that you should take advice from; see the condition of her marriage. Do not sacrifice your integrity and dignity. Do not cheat nor flirt with other men. When all else is taken, these are the assets that no one can take away from you.

Have you spoken to your brother and his wife about your husband's affair with your sister-in-law? Expose the affair. Do not rugsweep. You will only hurt yourself.

Have you and your husband discussed his affairs? It is very important that you get transparency from him. His family and yours are riddled with affairs. You must stop the history with you.

There is no mind games if you don't play along. Be kind to yourself and see what is really going on. See a marriage counselor for both of you. You must analyze your marriage realistically if you want to save it or not.


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## Daniel. (Jan 14, 2015)

He did a real selfish and destructive thing, imagine the awkwardness at the next family meeting. If he was remorseful he'd be working his ass off to make up for his mistake instead of detaching from you. It's been 2 years, you've been giving him a lot of chances. Maybe time to realize that he's no longer there anymore


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

rmontgomery said:


> don't flirt or get male friends. two wrongs don't make a right. Having the option of divorcing him may bring him to his knees and come crawling back to you but this is your choice to determine whether to take him back or not. Rugsweeping never helps.
> 
> BTW, does your brother know that your H had an affair with his wife ? How did he react to it ?
> 
> ...


My brother was the one who told me because he felt something was going on with her but he was just as shocked to find out it my H. She has been avoiding my side of the family because everyone knows about it. I grew up in a culture where it's almost expected that the wife will have to deal with infidelity because it's so accepted. My mom's response to the infidelity was " don't you dare leave your husband so she can have him".


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## Extraordinary Way (Dec 16, 2014)

Just because that's how people in your culture deal with infidelity doesn't mean that's how you should deal with it. I'm sorry your mom doesn't have your back.


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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

maritalloneliness said:


> Now, I found out 2 years ago that my husband cheated on me at least twice with the most recent being with my brother's wife. I forgive him but realize through response with posting on this site I agree that I rug swept our issues under the rug and possibly forgave too easily. I asked her that when you say you forgive someone doesn't that mean you don't bring up the topic again. I am still having trust issues with him and I don't know if that is going to change. The person that I had given my soul and heart is no longer recognizable to me. He has become more detached and I don't feel emotionally connected to him any more. *I do as my pastor suggest and don't deny him access to my body but I no longer feel valued or wanted by him.*



Maritalloneliness, your pastor is clearly an idiot.... like many in his line of work. 

If I were you I would get divorced and move far away from you family. And don't worry about staying in touch with them.... you will get an update when you see them on Jerry Springer's show.


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