# Is there anything I can do?



## sergioman (Mar 12, 2013)

I have been with my wife for 14 years we have 2 daughters 3 and 7. She started having an affair with a coworker in December. He is also married with 2 kids. They had been spending a lot of time together at lunch since September. As soon as the affair began neither one of them did very much to hide it. My wife told me in January that she felt we were through and waited until February to tell me there was someone else and that they loved each other. We rent our home from her parents. She has not asked me to leave and lately she has started saying that she can't leave me because I would not be able to take care of the kids on my own (both economically and practically - kids are a lot of work and my wife and have worked as a good team raising them). This makes her cry and I think this is the only time she feels guilty for what she is doing. I feel like the situation is 99% hopeless for us but I am wondering if I can do anything in whatever amount of time we will have to live together while we figure out how the separation will work. I have been working half of my work week from home and have been a very hands on dad to our kids. One more thing is that she has told her mother that we are through but not about the affair. Her mother is devastated at what the separation will do to her granddaughters. I love my wife and though she says she does not have those feelings for me anymore, I know if there wasn't someone else she would be still with me. Any advice on how to handle myself is appreciated. Thank you.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Have you spoken to the OM's wife? Is he leaving her?


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## sergioman (Mar 12, 2013)

No I have not talked to her. I was planning to because I hoped that she could stop him. But their relationship sounds as though it is worse then my wife and me. They are already selling their house.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Unless you want to invite the OM into your marriage, then it's either you or him. She doesn't get both of you. Since she's apparently already chosen OM, file for D. Also start looking for another place to live. And tell her mother what she is up to.

It is entirely possible to co parent effectively after a D.

Oh, and get tested for STD's.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

OK man up and expose the A right now. Tell her parents, and screw that you rent from them. Contact the OM's wife and tell her. Do not tell your wife what you are going to do just get it done.

Tell her you are not a doormat and she needs to get out right now and file for D.

You can see where it goes from there but she is not affraid of your reactions and she knows that she can f another man and still be with you for the kids. You have to let her know that is not the case


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What do YOU want to do? If you want to reconcile, your concern right now is stopping the affair. Exposing to friends and family is likely your best bet. Talk to a lawyer about your rights and obligations is likely a good step regardless of what you think you might want to do. 

C


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You have a new reality. Let your mother in law know what's going on with the affair. If your wife gets upset then tough noogie. 

You need to take charge of your own life. You have a responsibility to your children. Don't let your wife's crocodile tears get to you. Just remember the tears aren't there while she's out with the OM. She's leading the life she wants. It doesn't include you. 

File for divorce. Find a place for you and your children. Look for a nanny or afterschool day care. Tell your wife she has ONE chance to drop the OM and that chance is RIGHT NOW. If she refuses proceed with divorce and press for custodial guardianship.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Serge, as has been said, you need to expose to her parents and contact the OMW immediately. That's the quick result step you need to take.

Since she hasn't moved out, there some things you can do that sometimes have an effect to increase attraction. Some questions first:

Who make more $$? you or her?

Am I correct that you're at home during the week and she works outside the home?

What's your physique like?

Do women hit on you often? Does your wife ever see them giving you the eye when the two of you are out?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Sergio
You have to play hardball. If you try to negotiate, submit to her wishes, let her take the lead in the separation you will have almost no chance of getting her back. 

YOU have to lead here. YOU have to be the one in charge. Employ the 180 (see the link at the bottom of this post). It takes time for a divorce to go through the system. 

If she sees you moving on - detached from her - AND if she has ANY notion of returning it will happen then. If she doesn't come back then, it may take two or three years before she decides she made a mistake. By that time you will have moved on.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

sergioman said:


> I have been with my wife for 14 years we have 2 daughters 3 and 7. She started having an affair with a coworker in December. He is also married with 2 kids. They had been spending a lot of time together at lunch since September. As soon as the affair began neither one of them did very much to hide it. My wife told me in January that she felt we were through and waited until February to tell me there was someone else and that they loved each other. We rent our home from her parents. She has not asked me to leave and lately she has started saying that she can't leave me because I would not be able to take care of the kids on my own (both economically and practically - kids are a lot of work and my wife and have worked as a good team raising them). This makes her cry and I think this is the only time she feels guilty for what she is doing. I feel like the situation is 99% hopeless for us but I am wondering if I can do anything in whatever amount of time we will have to live together while we figure out how the separation will work. I have been working half of my work week from home and have been a very hands on dad to our kids. One more thing is that she has told her mother that we are through but not about the affair. Her mother is devastated at what the separation will do to her granddaughters. I love my wife and though she says she does not have those feelings for me anymore, I know if there wasn't someone else she would be still with me. Any advice on how to handle myself is appreciated. Thank you.


If you want to save your marriage, why don't you fight for it?

What happened, complacency, routine, boredom and then she met someone else?

First, tell other man's wife what is going on. Give her whatever evidence you have. Nothing will end this affair quicker than other man throwing your wife under the bus and there's a pretty good chance he will do just that.

Second, tell your and her families and friends that she is cheating on you, tell them with whom, and ask them to talk to her about throwing away her marriage for some guy she's been romantically involved with for a few months (which probably is a lie, it's probably been a lot longer, but say a few months anyway if that is her story so far).

Do not tell your wife you are telling anyone else about her affair, just do it.

When your wife goes ballistic, tell her you are fighting for her and fighting for your marriage and you make no apologies for it. Tell her you love her and you love your family and you won't let them go without a fight. Now, your wife has already told you she's through, right? But watch, after you expose her, she will tell you that she was going to come back to you but now you ruined it. Don't believe it. When other man is out of the picture, she may come back, she may not, but she definitely won't come back while other man is around. What do you have to lose, your marriage?

Expose the other man and your wife at work. Tell her employer that her and other man are carrying on an affair in the workplace and breaking up your marriage with young children and another marriage with young children and ask what kind of working environment they're fostering.

You have already lost your marriage. You don't have much left to lose. How long will it be before she wants to move in with this guy full time and take your son there? My biggest question is, why hasn't she done this already? Why is she still married to you if she is in love with another man? You must have something she needs.

She fell in love with you once, can she again?

That is an answer no one has. But if she is going to fall in love with you again, you have to be the man you were before - not the man who tolerates his wife sleeping with another man openly.

Tell your wife you will work on improving whatever legitimate faults you have and that you will work on improving your marriage, but that you will NOT stay married to her if she continues the affair. If she refuses to end the affair, file for divorce. Talk to her only about divorce-related and child-related issues. Try to be indifferent to her. Do not be rude, be pleasant, but not overly friendly. Act like you are moving on with your life. Do not whine, plead, or beg. Show her your confidence that you will be fine without her.

If she does end the affair, she has to quit that job and have no contact with the other man and she has to allow you to verify that she has no contact with him by giving you access to all her communication devices and accounts, all passwords.

There is a good chance your marriage is unsalvageable and that your wife will leave you no matter what you do. But you will never know unless you try.

If your marriage is over, might as well get it over with and move on with your life. If it can be saved, this is the way to do it - make her realize that she does not have you at home as her "backup plan" in case her relationship with other man doesn't work out. Right now, she is thinking that you will ALWAYS be there for her. She likes to have sex with other man, but he doesn't do all of the things for her that you do. 

I don't mean to offend you, but you must realize that is how she likely sees you. She must be scratching her head and wondering why you haven't left her already or why you're putting up with all of her stuff without any fight.

There have been other stories like yours here. Some worked out, most didn't, but not because the cheating wife didn't want to return to the marriage. Once the husband files for divorce and starts to move on, the cheater usually expresses some interest in working it out. By that time, however, the husband has put up with so much sh1t that his give-a-sh1t has stopped working and he doesn't want her back.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

She cried - no, she saw for a fraction of a second what her future was going to be like, but no thanks to "fog", it didn't last.

Make it last by NOT submitting to her reckless abandon and man up. Make that moment last by ignoring her and demonstrating how a real "abandon" is performed. After all, you are replaced by another man, you've nothing to lose. Including the woman.

Stop thinking about her and wrap your thoughts around your kids.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

First off, expose.

Stay strong because your wife is delusional in thinking that her fantasy with the other man will work. It will not, the OM will not leave his wife and she will not realize it until you leave her, letting her eat cake on her own, and the OM dumps her and she realizes it was not worth it.

Don't be afraid of leaving. Where there is a will there is a way.

I get the feeling you are a SAHD. I personally find this as a flaw. Don't let the roles reverse. Go out, improve yourself, find 2 jobs if you have to. Raise your human capital, your rank, your experience. 

Do not become stagnant. If she is not remorseful then leave. She obviously will not, its her parents home. If you leave her with the kids she will have LESS time for the affair. You are only feeding her problems and supporting irresponsibility. That is omission. 

Expose the affair to friends/family, expose to OTHER MANS wife, expose facebook, get a job, work out, leave the house or make her leave. She probably says you can't do it because she's already put an image of incapable on her "husband".


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## sergioman (Mar 12, 2013)

Thanks for the replies they are all good. For Machiavelli . My wife makes more$ and her affair partner makes more then she does. I am poor and she has just come to realize that I will have difficulty affording a place for me and our girls while she will be moving up the social ladder with her affair partner. I believe her parents will know everything soon, my wife and the om are not hiding anything, I think that everyone at their work knows about it. I'm just hoping that she comes to realize that a whole life with me and our daughters will make her happier then life with om in the wake of two broken homes. The 4 kids involved may not ever feel very close to their step parent because it was the step parent who broke up their original family. I am also hoping that since everything has happened so quickly, a long delay before our separation might let her feelings for om lose a little intensity. I am wondering if there is anything that I can do now to make myself more appealing.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Hit the gym and work your butt off.

Be cold and emotionless to your wife. Don't help her with anything, if she needs help tell her to call OM. Read the 180 in my signature.

Also buy the book "Married men sex life primer" by athol kay. Read it ASAP, it'll help you in the attraction department.

I would also suggest you file a complaint to the HR of their workplace. The exposure will put pressure on their affair and put an end to it. Keep in mind as long as the OM is in the picture you wont have any chance in saving the marriage. You need to kill their affair while working on yourself. Good luck.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Talk to a lawyer. Do it tomorrow. Lay it all out. See if you can demand spousal support and child support. Don't engage her in any conversation about your plans. Your plans are your plans. 

I get the impression you would fall on your knees and beg her to stay (if you haven't already). Don't do it. She has very little respect for you now. She will lose what little respect she has if you beg or plead with her. Don't try to guilt her with words. She won't listen to any of that. 

Playing hardball, hitting her with divorce, demanding spousal support, demanding child support, those ACTIONS will speak volumes. 

When she complains about your demands - just look her in the eye and then walk away. The fewer words the better. The more 'real' the actions the better. Start your actions with that lawyer's visit. 

And don't wait for anyone else to clue in her mother. YOU need to step up. Take control. You can do it - take control away from her. That's the only way you have a chance to recover this marriage - I won't go into the wisdom of wanting to - but you seem to want it. If you want it you need to hit it with a sledge hammer.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Dude you are being cuckolded. That is worse for kids than divorce. Think of the example you are setting for them.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

You simply will not survive this unless you toughen up. Your life is at a crossroads and you are hiding in the shadows. STAND UP!


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Hi OP,

Take it from someone who failed to do the things the other posters are suggesting. Putzing around and not exposing will ensure that you lose her. Your only chance is to expose and take more control.


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## Froment (Mar 13, 2013)

Honestly, there was a time also in my life where I stopped loving my husband. There was no third party. I just suddenly stopped feeling. But there are factors I considered, one is the kids. I know how life would be without both of us their parents.

find a good guy


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Froment said:


> Honestly, there was a time also in my life where I stopped loving my husband. There was no third party. I just suddenly stopped feeling. But there are factors I considered, one is the kids. I know how life would be without both of us their parents.


Do you love him now? If so, how did you get it back?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Froment (Mar 13, 2013)

The feeling didn't get back. I didn't love him and well, like I said I just have to sacrifice for the kids. It's not easy to have a broken family, it will hurt the kids. I read a lot about parenting and until now I still read more. I want to be there for my kids.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Froment said:


> The feeling didn't get back. I didn't love him and well, like I said I just have to sacrifice for the kids. It's not easy to have a broken family, it will hurt the kids. I read a lot about parenting and until now I still read more. I want to be there for my kids.


Wow how sad. I hope my wife divorces me if she cannot get her love back for me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Froment said:


> The feeling didn't get back. I didn't love him and well, like I said I just have to sacrifice for the kids. It's not easy to have a broken family, it will hurt the kids. I read a lot about parenting and until now I still read more. I want to be there for my kids.


Start a thread for yourself. Maybe someone here can help you out.


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## Ever-Man (Jan 25, 2013)

sergioman said:


> Thanks for the replies they are all good. For Machiavelli . My wife makes more$ and her affair partner makes more then she does. I am poor and she has just come to realize that I will have difficulty affording a place for me and our girls while she will be moving up the social ladder with her affair partner. I believe her parents will know everything soon, my wife and the om are not hiding anything, I think that everyone at their work knows about it. I'm just hoping that she comes to realize that a whole life with me and our daughters will make her happier then life with om in the wake of two broken homes. The 4 kids involved may not ever feel very close to their step parent because it was the step parent who broke up their original family. I am also hoping that since everything has happened so quickly, a long delay before our separation might let her feelings for om lose a little intensity. I am wondering if there is anything that I can do now to make myself more appealing.


If she makes more than you, and you spend more time with the kids at home, you ca angle for YOU being the custodial parent and her paying you child support and alimony. I am not sure which state you live in, but for some states, having an affair is not looked upon well, ands it may give you a advantage. See if you can get something in writing from her regarding her affair, you need proof positive. Tell her you are so broken up about the affair you want to ask her about it via email, so you don't get too upset, and when you have it in writing go to a lawyer and see what can be done.

In regards to saving your marriage, statistically very few marriages survive this stage of an affair, it sounds like she has moved on in her own head, and if the OM is selling his house, sounds like his marriage might be ending too and they are preparing to be together. Very sorry for your situation.


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

sergioman said:


> Thanks for the replies they are all good. For Machiavelli . My wife makes more$ and her affair partner makes more then she does. I am poor and she has just come to realize that I will have difficulty affording a place for me and our girls while she will be moving up the social ladder with her affair partner. I believe her parents will know everything soon, my wife and the om are not hiding anything, I think that everyone at their work knows about it. I'm just hoping that she comes to realize that a whole life with me and our daughters will make her happier then life with om in the wake of two broken homes. The 4 kids involved may not ever feel very close to their step parent because it was the step parent who broke up their original family. _*I am also hoping that since everything has happened so quickly, a long delay before our separation might let her feelings for om lose a little intensity. I am wondering if there is anything that I can do now to make myself more appealing*_.


Absolutely, 100% wrong way to think. 

You are desperate and trying to figure out a way to win her back. You cannot win her back. If she wants to be with the OM, it's her choice and there's nothing much you can do to change it.

Please, understand exactly where you are. She is off fvcking another guy, telling you it's over, not even hiding it, and hoping you'll play nice. 

Here is what you are: a doormat. Here is what you need to do: stop being a doormat. You will lose every bit of self-respect if you continue like this.

If she wants out of the marriage, then let her go. Do not delay any longer. See a lawyer, learn your rights, and file for a divorce. 

AND FOR GOD'S SAKE EXPOSE THIS!

Do these things today.

When it's all out in the open, your wife may not be so thrilled about her situation.


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> Do not become stagnant. If she is not remorseful then leave. She obviously will not, its her parents home. If you leave her with the kids she will have LESS time for the affair. You are only feeding her problems and supporting irresponsibility. That is omission.
> 
> Expose the affair to friends/family, expose to OTHER MANS wife, expose facebook, get a job, work out, leave the house or make her leave. *She probably says you can't do it because she's already put an image of incapable on her "husband*".


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

And a hundred times agree. Work hard to make yourself into everything that she doesn't think you are, and when she's run the course wit the OM and things aren't so rosy anymore, well then the last laugh will be on her.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

sergioman said:


> I feel like the situation is 99% hopeless for us but I am wondering if I can do anything in whatever amount of time we will have to live together while we figure out how the separation will work.


Know this, you will not "nice" her out of the A or win her back in any way. The only thing you can do is show some respect by showing her you accept the situation and you will be fine without her.

The WS is attracted to strength and nothing shows strength better than independence. Rewarding someone who cheats on you by being the nice guy sends a bad message to them that you are weak and allow others to walk on you. Nobody respects a doormat.

You have to 180 and focus on yourself, right now she should be dead to you.



> I'm just hoping that she comes to realize that a whole life with me and our daughters will make her happier then life with om in the wake of two broken homes.


Ask yourself if you really want to stay married to a cheater that blatantly disrespects you? You don't have to put up with this you know, there are millions of women out there ready to take her place.

She'll only realize that (if ever) only after the A has run its course. That can be anywhere from 6 months to 2 years from now (assuming it dies like the majority does). You can't try to talk her out of it or else she will just try to prove you wrong. 

Assume you are getting a D and she is not coming back and move to that end. Resisting will make things harder for you. 

If (and that’s a big “IF”) there was a secret to getting a WS to end an A and want to try to R is would be to reject them. Pursuing a WS is a HUGE turnoff to them.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Thhe first thing you need to t is downlaod MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER. Its i not a sex manual btw. It will show you how/why the OM has stepped into your place. It will show you how to not make the mistakes you have made in this relationship or your nesxt one.

Do not delay.

Yes, let everyone know what is going on.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

staystrong said:


> Hi OP,
> 
> Take it from someone who failed to do the things the other posters are suggesting. Putzing around and not exposing will ensure that you lose her. Your only chance is to expose and take more control.


Serge add me to this list..

You have work fast and create a sh1t storm to get her back. I know it is a very aggressive posture, but trust me you MUST DO IT if you want to have ANY chance of getting her back.

Do not delay another day..


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## sergioman (Mar 12, 2013)

Thanks for the advise. I am starting with the gym and working out like crazy and I am getting the second job to get more money and give her less free time. I am not so sure about blowing everything up as far as making a sh1t storm by exposing this affair. Everybody involved knows about it already except for my wife's mother who has been told by my wife that our marriage is over . My mother in law is not going to change her daughters mind . I just want more time to get the job and the working out thing going so that she can see me in a better light. 

Where do i download MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER?


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## sergioman (Mar 12, 2013)

Where do i download MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Not exposing it yourself is a big mistake you'll regret gravely later on.

You need to do a formal exposure yourself to her workplace, to mutual friends and to family members of yours, hers and OM's.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

sergioman said:


> Where do i download MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER?


Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

keko said:


> Not exposing it yourself is a big mistake you'll regret gravely later on.
> 
> You need to do a formal exposure yourself to her workplace, to mutual friends and to family members of yours, hers and OM's.


You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by exposing.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

You also seem like a very nice guy, maybe too much of a nice guy. A man that let's others walk all over him isn't attractive to any woman, let alone your wife. Her actions have shown you this extensively.

You should also read "No more mr. nice guy" by Dr. Glover.

No More Mr. Nice Guy


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

sergioman said:


> . I just want more time to get the job and the working out thing going so that she can see me in a better light.


Please, stop it. She is not your wife anymore. She is not the woman you married. She is gone and you do not matter much to her in her "new life." It is for you that you are doing this.

If she changes her mind, fine. But be willing to leave her.


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## sergioman (Mar 12, 2013)

Has any man ever implemented a 180 and found that his wife's interest in him returned to her even while she was having an affair?


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

sergioman said:


> Has any man ever implemented a 180 and found that his wife's interest in him returned to her even while she was having an affair?


You need to understand you can’t compete with the OM so don’t try. 

The 180 is to help get your confidence back, when you have that then you can get about anything you want and you can see things more clear headed. You are desperate and co-dependent right now and she knows it.

We want what we can have, your W is more worried about losing the OM than you (because you are the fall back plan) so she is attracted to him and still has to “court” him. The thought of losing you or you rejecting her hasn’t even crossed her mind because you are too available. Because you are so easy, you have little value in her eyes.

You have a better chance of attracting her back by turning your back on her than trying to impress her. If she really thought you would stop loving her and move on without her and not look back she would value you more.

That being said, keep asking yourself why do you want her back? Are you just afraid to be alone? Do you feel like you can’t get anyone else? 

I had 2 false Rs (because I was the nice guy) and one real R. The beginning of the real R started off by me saying “I want to get this embarrassment of a marriage over with” after she had filed for a D and it was time to finalize it (she was living with the OM at the time). I know what I’m talking about as do most people on here; please listen even if it’s not what you want to hear. The right things to do will seem counter-intuitive but that’s one reason why they work.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

ArmyofJuan said:


> You need to understand you can’t compete with the OM so don’t try.
> 
> The 180 is to help get your confidence back, when you have that then you can get about anything you want and you can see things more clear headed. You are desperate and co-dependent right now and she knows it.
> 
> ...


QFT

Trust us we know it all sounds crazy. 

I can tell you from a position of FAILURE being nice does not work... If it did everyone would be doing it. Who doesn't want to be nice to their spouse. Who doesn't want to talk to their wife or husband and explain to them in a calm manner what they are doing is wrong and have the spouse understand. 

If it were that easy you wouldn't be here asking would you. You tried the calm talk and you can see and notice yourself it didn't work.

Look if your loosing your marriage nothing else you try won't make it worse right ? So give what we are saying a shot. I know its hard with your mind racing all over the place. But you need to muster up the strength.


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

Sergioman, you're making excuses. It's obvious from your posts that you don't like conflict. As a result you don't stand up for yourself or your needs. 

Which is exactly why your wife is having an affair. 

"Everyone knows," you say? And how, exactly do you know this? Has "everyone" called in to offer their condolences, or are you making wild assumptions so you can keep running away and avoiding confrontation?

Expose. Expose at her job, and expose to her mother. Definitely expose the affair to her lover's wife. Stop making excuses. Their affair has taken off because of your negligence, and instead of shooting it down, you're sitting in a corner hoping she'll land and come back to you. I can guarantee the loss of your marriage if you take that approach. 

The MMSLP is a good start as far as taking charge of yourself goes. Get in shape, get a better paying job, destroy her affair and MOVE ON. If she decides to follow you moving forward, then you can decide to reconcile with her on your own terms. If she decides to stay with her lover, you will have moved on anyway.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sergioman (Mar 12, 2013)

I see the logic in what you are all saying. And believe me I am implementing some suggestions. I have however heard advice elsewhere that suggests the longer I can stay around as in the same house with my kids and wife, there is a chance that the affair might spring a leak. Believe me I am not being nice to her and I am definitely not crying, begging, pleading or trying to sell me and _us_ to her.


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## sergioman (Mar 12, 2013)

Here is the link to the advice that says I do nothing :

How to Save Your Marriage During an Affair - YouTube

How to Save Your Marriage During an Affair

Michele Weiner-Davis


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

What is your deal breaker? What would she have to do to make you walk away? Can you honestly answer that? Because all you have as a man is your code. My sense is you do not have one. And living your life at the mercy of your wife's desires, strengths, and weaknesses is a no way to show your kids how to live. You need to get NO MORE MR NICE GUY. A book that can help you find some self respect. Because, LETS BE CLEAR, the issue is you NOT HER. She is cheater and she has a husband who is afraid to man up. She is doing what comes natural. Your response, the utter fear of doing anything is just unacceptable as a man. I'm not trying to be mean, you seem like a nice guy, but there is a difference between nice and weak.


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## sergioman (Mar 12, 2013)

Did you watch the video? "Draw a line in the sand and your marriage will be over" Michele Weiner-Davis.


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

The thing is: Do you want to be in a marriage where your wife selects another man over you?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Michele Weiner Davis needs to join TAM and be educated. Sure, no one LIKES to be told what to do. But if that means that you can't tell your spouse that they aren't allowed to screw around on you, I call bullsh!t. "If you want to save your marriage, you want to back away a bit to give your spouse some time because most affairs end within six months" (from http://therelationshipspot.com/michele-weiner-davis-how-to-save-your-marriage-during-an-affair.html ) :scratchhead: So you're supposed to just let it run it's course, like a flu bug or something?? THINK about that.

My own story is proof that drawing a line in the sand works. And if you do some reading here, you'll see that other successful R's have resulted from the same thing - drawing that line in the sand.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

sergioman said:


> Did you watch the video? "Draw a line in the sand and your marriage will be over" Michele Weiner-Davis.


And how's that been working for you?


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Serge, Sorry but waiting 6 months for your wife to decided who is fvcking her better does not seem like the best idea.

Now I could be wrong, but if you have the stomach to wait 6 months while *YOUR WIFE* decides who she wants, by all means do so.

See you in a week when your bouncing off the walls going nuts.


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## sergioman (Mar 12, 2013)

Hope1964 I read your story. Your situation with your husband is different then mine. My wife is seriously in LOVE with her AP and he is with her too. They have been together in PA for 3 months, probably an EA for a lot longer. He has told his wife that they are through and they are selling their house. My wife has told me we are through too. If I say it's over good bye she will thank me.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

""My wife is seriously in LOVE with her AP and he is with her too.""

If this is your reasoning, then I would file for D now...

I mean if you wait the 6 months and she falls out of love with the OM, how long before she find another. I know this hurts, but just sitting on the sidelines is only going to make it worse. I know. I waited and yes indded my EX fell out of love with her OM... and married his best friend after we got divorced... Don't wait, ACT NOW.

Btw, my EX divorced MR wonderful about 4 years ago.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

sergioman, I am very skeptical. People cite statistics. Where do the statistics come from? Do they apply to my situation?

This woman on youtube says most affairs end within six months. What is most? 51%? 99%? Does that include situations where the betrayed spouse gives an ultimatum? If you are basing your whole strategy on that few minutes of video, you are shortchanging yourself.

Take a look at the threads on this forum. Go back as far as you need to. There are hundreds if not thousands of stories here. I have not done a statistical study on them, but my impressions are the following:

1. Most marriages do NOT survive the affair when the affair has reached the point it has with your wife.

2. The marriages that do survive are the ones where the betrayed spouses do just the opposite of what the youtube woman advises.

3. The betrayed spouses who take the tack of "make myself more appealing and win her back" don't seem to have much success.

a. Very few cheaters notice the improvement or, if they do, don't care.

b. In the cases where they do reconcile, the betrayed spouse carries a lot of resentment and sometimes suffers a relapse of the affair or a different affair months later.

Take a look at the stories and see for yourself.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

sergioman said:


> Hope1964 I read your story. *Your situation with your husband is different then mine.* My wife is seriously in LOVE with her AP and he is with her too. They have been together in PA for 3 months, probably an EA for a lot longer. He has told his wife that they are through and they are selling their house. My wife has told me we are through too. If I say it's over good bye she will thank me.


Are the affairs the youtube woman talks about like yours, sergioman, or like Hope1964's?


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

To answer your original question, "is there anything I can do?" To be honest, if they are seriously in love with each other and she actually told you that you two are through, there isn't much at all you can do to change that. But what ever you do, do not make it easy for her. I'd bet that she wants to keep you on the hook to care for the kids to make things easier for her. You really need to think of yourself, and of course your kids. No doubt she will look like the fool down the road and not you. Having been through it once before in my life, I know for a fact that time heals and sooner than later you will start to enjoy life in a whole different way. Who knows, she may do a 180 when you are no longer available to her, but even with that, you have to think twice about R after a strong PA.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

sergioman said:


> Hope1964 I read your story. Your situation with your husband is different then mine. My wife is seriously in LOVE with her AP and he is with her too. They have been together in PA for 3 months, probably an EA for a lot longer. He has told his wife that they are through and they are selling their house. My wife has told me we are through too. If I say it's over good bye she will thank me.


And your point is?? 

Your wife is so far in the fog that someone could slap her with a dead fish and she'd think the OM was trying to stick it in her.

And you think that BEING NICE to her and waiting for her is going to clear her head??

Wow.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

sergioman said:


> I see the logic in what you are all saying. And believe me I am implementing some suggestions. I have however heard advice elsewhere that suggests the longer I can stay around as in the same house with my kids and wife, there is a chance that the affair might spring a leak. Believe me I am not being nice to her and I am definitely not crying, begging, pleading or trying to sell me and _us_ to her.


Where did you hear this advice?


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## sergioman (Mar 12, 2013)

OK now you all can have a good laugh. The reason I have no options here is because I just came out on the loosing end of a lawsuit with an old business partner. The company's tax bill was so high that I had to go bankrupt in December. I do not have the ability to hire a lawyer . I was starting to get a new venture up and running when all this sh1t started. I have no leverage here and it truly sucks.........


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Sergio, no one is going to laugh at that. That is heartbreaking.

There are often options, though. We have legal aid where I live, where you borrow the money and pay back what you can when you can. That's how I got my divorce - I was a single mom with 3 kids under 5 at the time. Some lawyers do free consultations, and some universities law faculties take cases for reduced fees. It's worth investigating.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

sergioman said:


> Thanks for the replies they are all good. For Machiavelli . My wife makes more$ and her affair partner makes more then she does.


Very predictable. The iron law of female hypergamy dictates that sexual attraction for H will decline as W earnings outpace the earnings of the H. The W will also seek to attach herself to another male who outearns her. This is why I asked. She's just following her built-in programming to do this, but she's choosing to allow it to override her morality. Assuming she ever had any to override. It will be tough for you to add more alpha, which is the usual prescription, when she out earns you.

I'm guessing things were more equal when you got together. Is that right?



sergioman said:


> I am poor and she has just come to realize that I will have difficulty affording a place for me and our girls while she will be moving up the social ladder with her affair partner.


Women can pay alimony and child support just as good as men can. You need to see an attorney immediately and you need to let him know adultery is the issue. All states now have no-fault divorce, but many also have adultery as a cause option that may or may not affect the $$$ and custody angle.



sergioman said:


> I believe her parents will know everything soon, my wife and the om are not hiding anything, I think that everyone at their work knows about it.


Is a large corporation with an HR dept?



sergioman said:


> I'm just hoping that she comes to realize that a whole life with me and our daughters will make her happier then life with om in the wake of two broken homes.


This is dreaming. Not going to happen. Because you are a part-time SAHD, she has followed the well worn path of emasculating you in her mind. You've been devalued and beta-ized. She sees you as an unworthy partner. Most likely you have been deferring to her, accepting a crappy sex life, and you don't have a hot physique. If several of those conditions exist, you're most probably toast.



sergioman said:


> The 4 kids involved may not ever feel very close to their step parent because it was the step parent who broke up their original family. I am also hoping that since everything has happened so quickly, a long delay before our separation might let her feelings for om lose a little intensity. I am wondering if there is anything that I can do now to make myself more appealing.


Yes there is, but you must realize it's still a very long shot, even if you pull it all off perfectly. 

#1. Expose to her family and File for Divorce immediately. Start seeing attorneys immediately. What state are you in?

#2. Start upping your sexual market value (SMV). Filing for divorce was the first step, because women are turned on by men who can get women. They are much more attracted to married men and players than their own husbands, due to the beta-ization discussed above.

The first thing to do is to start working on your physique. Most women believe they are above being sexually attracted to the male physique; science says otherwise. Make this guy your blueprint:










It's much easier to do than you think. Women's limbic system is programmed to respond to that V torso. The proportions are commonly called "The Golden Ratio." You need to get this physique whether or not you get her back.

#3. Quit trying to talk her into getting back together. Women take their attraction cues from other women. If women don't give you the eye, or hit on you in your wife's presence, or tell your wife how attracted they are to you, she'll start to lose interest. In fact, don't talk relationship with her in any way. Just talk about the kids and bills as necessary and nothing else. Whenever you talk "relationship" with a woman, it's a big turn-off for her.

#4. You need to educate yourself about women and how they pick men and you need to do it fast.

Read here and find out where you are within the Male Socio-sexual Heirarchy.

Despite what women say, they are most attracted to bad boys who exhibit the Dark Triad of traits; and who is badder than the guy who takes pleasure from cheating on his wife or seducing married women? The very thought of it excites women sexually; someone wants them enough to risk their very life to have her sexually. After all, men have been killing men for having sex with their wives for thousands of years. That's about the ultimate turn-on for a woman. In their prefrontal cortex, they are horrified by the fact that they are sexually aroused at the idea of exhibitionism and adultery, but in adulteresses the limbic overrides the cortex. Also, in adultery sex women want hard, fast, and kinky, rather than tender Delta male lovemaking. It's a woman's chance to release her inner slvt that can never be revealed to a semi-emasculated husband. 

With all that in mind, change your haircut to anything, just make it different from what you've got. Upgrade your wardrobe. Start going out in the evening and leaving the kids with her. Make it a big mystery as to where you're going. Your wife doesn't think you can get another woman, start acting like you've already got several. 

And read up:

Roissy

Married Man Sex Life


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

sergioman said:


> Thanks for the advise. I am starting with the gym and working out like crazy and I am getting the second job to get more money and give her less free time. I am not so sure about blowing everything up as far as making a sh1t storm by exposing this affair. Everybody involved knows about it already except for my wife's mother who has been told by my wife that our marriage is over .* My mother in law is not going to change her daughters mind .* I just want more time to get the job and the working out thing going so that she can see me in a better light.
> 
> Where do i download MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER?


You're not exposing to change anybody's mind, you're bringing light into darkness. You want to make the affair uncomfortable, even if you don't blast them out of it.

Your WW won't see you in a better light as long as she is collecting OM's semen. Semen is a cøcktail of mood elevating chemistry when absorbed into the bloodstream and your wife is hooked on a new brand. These cheaters never use rubbers and this is why; it makes it more of a bonding thing and they instinctively know it. I never could figure out why girls were like eeeew back in jr high, then by college they wanted to gobble it. That's why.

Your wife is also addicted to the brain sex chemistry (dopamine, norepinephrine, adrenaline, serotonin, etc etc) released by sex with a new man. They are on crack, essentially. This is why so many seemingly previously respectable women go off the deep end when they get on sites like Azzly Madhatterson and end up getting it out with a dozen guys in two weeks. They are on sex drugs. OM is your wife's sex drug. Figure out a way to take him out (legally of course). This is why in former times women could attach themselves so easily to men who had just invaded their city and killed their husbands. It's all built into the female psychology to go after the winning male.If you can take them down at work, you're the alpha male.

The only thing you can do is to project to her that you've alrady moved on. You attract women by projecting alpha traits, even if you're faking it. Either way, the V torso makes it a lot easier.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sergioman said:


> I have been with my wife for 14 years we have 2 daughters 3 and 7.* She started having an affair with a coworker in December. *He is also married with 2 kids. They had been spending a lot of time together at lunch since September. As soon as the affair began neither one of them did very much to hide it. My wife told me in January that she felt we were through and waited until February to tell me there was someone else and that they loved each other. We rent our home from her parents. She has not asked me to leave and lately she has started saying that she can't leave me because I would not be able to take care of the kids on my own (both economically and practically - kids are a lot of work and my wife and have worked as a good team raising them). This makes her cry and I think this is the only time she feels guilty for what she is doing. I feel like the situation is 99% hopeless for us but I am wondering if I can do anything in whatever amount of time we will have to live together while we figure out how the separation will work. I have been working half of my work week from home and have been a very hands on dad to our kids. One more thing is that she has told her mother that we are through but not about the affair. Her mother is devastated at what the separation will do to her granddaughters. I love my wife and though she says she does not have those feelings for me anymore, I know if there wasn't someone else she would be still with me. Any advice on how to handle myself is appreciated. Thank you.


*
Expose the affair at their workplace.* Emphasise that they are also cheating your children out of a family. And push very heavy on the theme that they started this affair and cheating on you and the kids at Christmas time, the time for families.


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## livinfree (Sep 7, 2012)

There's a very strong likelyhood the OMs marriage is not on the rocks. 

Keep in mind that's the OM telling your wife that.

My situation the OM is single, a snowballs chance in hell at dividing and conquering.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Sergio,

Please stop listening to you-tube videos and learn about the truth of trying to break up an affair. Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D, in his book _Surviving an Affair _lays out the rudiments of what works and what doesn't. You have already tried the "nice Guy" plan A, which Harley readily admits almost never works in separting the affair partners (an essential component to winning a spouse back.) Plan B is what has already been described here. Expose, file 180. Another useful text is _Not Just Friends _by Dr. Shirley Glass. Probably the ultimate authority on infidelity.

Pardon me for being blunt; but right now you are acting like a fool. Unfortunately, you are doing what 9 out of 10 betrayed spouses do. You are wounded and trying to "nice" back your wife. All you will succeed in doing is confirming that she made the right decision to dump your sorry rear-end. You look weak and unworthy of her.

Please take the advice being offered here. The members of this forum have seen countless cases just like yuors. Expose *everywhere*, file, do the 180. From your description, I suspect you will get spousal support and maybe custodial parent. You need to find your balls and man-up if you are to have any hope. It will also be very important for a successful divorce.

Good luck


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

sergioman said:


> I see the logic in what you are all saying. And believe me I am implementing some suggestions. I have however heard advice elsewhere that suggests *the longer I can stay around as in the same house with my kids and wife, there is a chance that the affair might spring a leak.* Believe me I am not being nice to her and I am definitely not crying, begging, pleading or trying to sell me and _us_ to her.


You do want to stay in the house. That's correct, but waiting for "the affair to spring a leak" is insane. You've got to use the woman's limbic sexual attraction system against her and if you don't, it keeps going against you. Nutty advice.

When your WW sees that she can be replaced by a harem of women in about 5 minutes, that might get her attention. To do that you have to turn on the aforementioned bad boy vibe. Look at some of the threads around here and see how WWs reacted when their BH finally quit trying to woo them back and took up with a girl 15 years younger. Rage. Of course, when that happened the BH no longer wanted the WW. He had a new woman/women with higher SMV.

The best defense is a good offense. The best offense is a Blitzkrieg of AlphaPanzer.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

sergioman said:


> Did you watch the video? "Draw a line in the sand and your marriage will be over" Michele Weiner-Davis.


Who said draw a line in the sand? I must have missed that.

It's usually a good idea to do so, but generally that comes after the man is clearly moving on to better and younger women, either by appearing to do so or actually doing so.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

sergioman said:


> Hope1964 I read your story. Your situation with your husband is different then mine. My wife is seriously in LOVE with her AP and he is with her too. They have been together in PA for 3 months, probably an EA for a lot longer. He has told his wife that they are through and t*hey are selling their house. *My wife has told me we are through too. If I say it's over good bye she will thank me.


Did you see the For Sale sign? Talk to the OMs wife.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> The best defense is a good offense. The best offense is a Blitzkrieg of AlphaPanzer.


GOOD one Mach

Dude from your own descriptions it is hopeless. You are fighting her DNA and with her complete lack of boundaries... sorry. YOU LOSE. Let me guess he makes alot more than you?

STOP BEING A DAMN DOORMAT!!!!

GET PROOF OF THEIR AFFAIR AND EXPOSE

File and get Alimony to get training up your SMV status. Get a new non-defective version wife 2.0 and make damn sure she is younger and hotter.

Success is the best revenge.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Serge

What if your wife just really does not love you anymore ? Straight and simple..

What are you going to do ? Hold her hostage ? Force her to love you ? 

You know someone hit me with that hard reality as well. 

Okay so this relationship with him and her falls apart. What if she doesn't come back. Then what ? What if she moves on with her life. 

Are you going to stand there pining for her affection between each failed relationship ?

Again as someone said to me. Your too close to this to understand or see the big picture. I know sometimes in cases we work we get to involved and we take it personal. Sometimes we need to have people step back or reassign a case because people loose perspective. Trust me my wife is leaving and it is still killing me. I've been told to detach a million times and I still am having a extremely hard time doing it.

Fortunately for you as odd as it might be. Being financially down is going to be a plus for you at this time. This is one time where being broke is a benefit, go figure.

I know the pain your going through. It is unmeasurable, Its un fathomable. The the heart break is unbearable. 

I hope you can muster the strength I couldn't to save your marriage. I just didn't have the backbone, I was too much in shock. The only thing I could do is save myself during the divorce. But I didn't want to be saved, I wanted my marriage back. I wanted my family back. I wanted my wife back. 

I hope you find the strength to do what is needed to fight for your wife and family. Even IF it all backfired on you, you would still be in the same place you are now, but at least you can say you tried your dam best.


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## sergioman (Mar 12, 2013)

Machiavelli said:


> You do want to stay in the house. That's correct, but waiting for "the affair to spring a leak" is insane. You've got to use the woman's limbic sexual attraction system against her and if you don't, it keeps going against you. Nutty advice.
> 
> When your WW sees that she can be replaced by a harem of women in about 5 minutes, that might get her attention. To do that you have to turn on the aforementioned bad boy vibe. Look at some of the threads around here and see how WWs reacted when their BH finally quit trying to woo them back and took up with a girl 15 years younger. Rage. Of course, when that happened the BH no longer wanted the WW. He had a new woman/women with higher SMV.
> 
> The best defense is a good offense. The best offense is a Blitzkrieg of AlphaPanzer.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sergioman (Mar 12, 2013)

What is the limbic sexual attraction system?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sergioman (Mar 12, 2013)

Hardtohandle said:


> Serge
> 
> What if your wife just really does not love you anymore ? Straight and simple..
> 
> ...


How so I mean there's nothing for me to lose but divorce lawsuits are about having a better, more $$ lawyer.

I just can't get over the fact that if om had not come along at the exact moment he did in Dec. My wife and i and kids would be together right now. I know I must stop thinking that but it still sucks.....................


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sergioman said:


> Thanks for the advise. I am starting with the gym and working out like crazy and I am getting the second job to get more money and give her less free time. I am not so sure about blowing everything up as far as making a sh1t storm by exposing this affair. Everybody involved knows about it already except for my wife's mother who has been told by my wife that our marriage is over . My mother in law is not going to change her daughters mind . I just want more time to get the job and the working out thing going so that she can see me in a better light.
> 
> Where do i download MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER?


Careful! The second job might take time away from your children. And you want the courts to see how much more parenting time you put in than she does, don't you?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm not sure but since youf wife is making the money, talk to a lawyer asap and see if she won't havd to pay for your atorney as well.
Ask for primary custody and alimony.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Download MMSLP at amazon.com


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

1. Do not get a second job. You want to be poor when you file for D.
2. Exposé type affair their work to HR...blow it all up in their face.
3. Find and talk to the OMW, compare noted and tactics. Take the two of the to the cleaners financially.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Your wife is realizing that she is going to owe you big money and child support.

Come on man, fight here.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> 1. Do not get a second job. You want to be poor when you file for D.
> 2. Exposé type affair their work to HR...blow it all up in their face.
> 3. Find and talk to the OMW, compare noted and tactics. Take the two of the to the cleaners financially.


:iagree:Well yes! Ugh.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

And see if you live in an alienation of affection state, if so go for it too.


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Did you see the For Sale sign? Talk to the OMs wife.


You know, Machiavelli tends to place the lion's share on the biological drives-side of things and that recent research in brain theory has put out there (not that it's wrong), but he sure does come up with some good things, like this one.

You believe what she tells you? Very, very foolish of you. 

You've gotten some great advice. You can afford to at least see a lawyer. Do it. If she and the POSOM...yes Piece of SHYTE OTHER MAN...want to go off and roll around in the sack as they count their dough, then you are entitled to it, especially since you are doing a lot of the parenting.

There is one thing changes people's attitude toward you, including you WW--that you command respect because you have taken your life into your own hands and you are not grovelling anymore. 

What your wife..your STBXW wants is secondary to that. She has spat on you.


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## livinfree (Sep 7, 2012)

If you're financially strained ask for a PDL Pedente Lite for assistance.

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pendente_lite


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

serg, you sound like a beaten man. why? 

you have all the cards in your hand. first, she makes all the money, right? i say stick it to her. make her pay through the nose for everything from spousal support to legal fees. second, expose her to friends and family. i would usually advise to expose at work, but that might work against you given that she may lose her job. lastly, as someone already said- MAN UP!


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## sergioman (Mar 12, 2013)

livinfree Thanks for the advice. What is your "How I got my life back" story?


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

sergioman said:


> How so I mean there's nothing for me to lose but divorce lawsuits are about having a better, more $$ lawyer.
> 
> I just can't get over the fact that if om had not come along at the exact moment he did in Dec. My wife and i and kids would be together right now. I know I must stop thinking that but it still sucks.....................


Because your Income is lower then your wife. In my state because I made more money then my wife I would have had to pay for my lawyer and her lawyer.. I was quoted 25k to 30k EACH, that means 50k to 60k TOTAL. She understood that would take years to get done and would cause all sorts of financial disasters. 

When I sat down and looked at what bills I had and what income I had I realized either we negotiated on our own or I would literally would have to move away out of state from my kids. I would have been the dad that see's his kids in the summer time. It was a very harsh reality. My issue was I have a elderly mother and sick brother I take care of, so I was bound to them. So was my wife in a sense. We inherited a million dollar home though in the end. So our benefit was in the long run. She gave that up. But she also had to make the decision that she would be playing a part in taking my kids away from me. I would have explained it very clearly to my kids why I was moving and why. 

Sometimes you just have to make hard and harsh decisions. Sometimes your just put in that position where after all avenues have been looked down that you only have a few choices or one. 

I knew in the END leaving financially would benefit everyone. I would have a HUGE home someplace else when my kids would visit. My bills will be minimal. I would be able to afford to do thing with the kids I couldn't here if I sold and just bought another home. And finally my kids just might like where I was and decide to stay eventually. So the tables would be turned around. Maybe not now, not next year, but maybe 3 years down the line. 

Sadly your wrong about that man coming in Dec. 

I also thought if I only went to that church fair with my wife she would have not meet that guy or talked to him as much. 

The reality is your wife was looking. She could have said NO at any time, but sadly she didn't. 

You are in the betrayed spouse fog ( Google it ), which is similar to the wayward spouse fog ( again another Google term ). 

Dude, trust me I have to choke back the tears even as type and reflect back on my own situation. 

I was fortunate to have both TAM friends and RL friends to help me through this. When I was thinking crazy and saying stupid things, I had people who would talk me down. People to tell me stop, calm down. 

My link has the 180 info. Again the 180 is for you to help you cope not to get back your wife. 

Sept 25th 2012 I caught my wife cheating. Until December 30th she was faking wanting to fix things. All along she was seeing this other man. January 1st she said we were done. January 3rd her contact picture on her Iphone for him was a picture of him and her together. She would talk to him and text him while I was home. 

I was treated like I didn't matter anymore. Like 19 years never happened, I never beat her, I never cheated on her, I told her I loved her all the time. In the end she is mad at me as if I cheated on her. I don't even get to understand or be told what went wrong what happen. All I get is I am not in love with you anymore and that is it.

By the end of January she had an apartment with his guy. I had just went to a lawyer to get the ball rolling.

She just signed the papers this week for the divorce. It took me 2 good months of being here and bending all my friends ears to be able to cope with all of this.

Even now I can say I loved the women she was. I will not be ashamed telling her in the end. But it will be the last time I ever tell her that. I will move on. I will bury that feeling deep down inside me. I will find love with someone else. I will not let this tragedy consume me more then it has. It is just about my thought every waking day and night. I know it is unhealthy. I know I need to detach. 

But she will have to live with what she did. All the horrible and nasty mean things she has done. In the end all the things she has done will cause one of my sons to stay with me. Something she does not know ATM. 

Again I know it is unimaginable, but even thought it kills you and crushes every bone in your body. You have to accept that she just might not love you ANYMORE.. 

You need several months just grasping that and accepting that. 

But you need someone who will help you out here. Help you get your finances in order and help you paint an honest and true picture of where you stand money wise. 

Look I had 125k I was going divide between my 2 kids for college. After the 45k my wife gets I might have to claim a hardship and use the other 80k minus penalty fees to pay off debt. Fortunately I have other monies being saved that will equal 80k by the time I retire 5 years from now. But I could have had 160k instead of 80k. Regardless my kids got screwed in all of this and she doesn't care.

My whole point is I know your shocked and can't even think straight. Come here vent, get things off your chest. Toss out ideas. 

*BUT* 
You really need to start *ACTING*. 

The more you ponder what the right choice is the less chance you have to get her back, if that is what you want. 

For me the reality came that I just could do nothing to get her back. She dragged me alone and there was nothing I could do to shame, shock her into staying. The other man has nothing or nobody. Her relatives really didn't do anything or care to do anything. Her family is too far to do anything. Her bother is on her side as he had an affair and 2 divorces under his belt. 

I knew I needed to cut my looses and just put my efforts into protecting my finances in my divorce. Again sadly I did a *GREAT* job at that and a *POOR* job at keeping my family. I would have reversed those results at anytime if I could have. 

But again another reality is my wife had little respect for me with her actions. Again something I had to deal with. 

I know in the end this is the right thing to do for me. I loved who she was, she was a beautiful caring women or at least pretended to be. But I know deep down, even though I don't want to admit it. I need to find someone else, someone who loves me for me. I know what my mistakes where and I will and I am fixing them. 

I know my wife will never fix her personal issues. This poor sap will be crushed soon enough when she leaves him for someone else.

This whole story is to explain I understand the pain and confusion and disaster your going through and how I found it hard to do what everyone is telling you to do. 

Again what the fvck will happen, she will divorce you ? Divorce you faster ? 

It is all happening if you want to or not. Get someone on your side to help you out. Have them come here and read this stuff.


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## Ever-Man (Jan 25, 2013)

sergioman said:


> I see the logic in what you are all saying. And believe me I am implementing some suggestions. I have however heard advice elsewhere that suggests the longer I can stay around as in the same house with my kids and wife, there is a chance that the affair might spring a leak. Believe me I am not being nice to her and I am definitely not crying, begging, pleading or trying to sell me and _us_ to her.


I take a bit more of a passive approach when it comes to riding out an affair, I did this in my first marriage, and it ALMOST worked, the X was going to stay with me, until I got fired from a job and she decided that was the last straw. 

If you try to ride out the affair, it might work, but in the end it will take one small mistake by you, and she realized "I still don't want to stay in this marriage". You will be walking on egg-shells, perhaps for years, only to have the hammer come down one day again. Is this woman worth it? 

The TAM approach of DIVORCE NOW!!!! will likely cause a divorce with CERTAINTY, your now shared-wife will be free of the guilt of having to decide whether to break up the family, since you did, and she will run into the OM arms, it will be over. 
This may be a better outcome for you than the above. 

If you have moved back into the house and are thoroughly ensconced as Dad and 1/2 husband, start making plans for an exit, and tell her she has to decide. Tell her you are ready to let go and move on, you will not tolerate her affair. 

I still believe in making wayward spouses make the decision, make them OWN their behavior. Expose her own behavior to her better conscious, any way you can get into her head. 

In the end, when my X wife finally decided to leave, she then exposed for me what a sham our marriage had been for 19 years, that she had been looking for a man to take her away for at least 15, but I was her"best friend" and her "soul mate" she just didn't want to fck me, she needed a more dominant man. 

Do you want to hear that one day, after committing to this woman for more years of your life? You deserve better, we all do.


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## Ever-Man (Jan 25, 2013)

Also want to add, if/when you get a divorce, get everything you can out of this woman, there is no "high road" in a divorce. She will try to play your sense of decency AGAINST YOURSELF, and when you realize it, it will be too late. 

Imagine someone who says they love you, playing your own decency against yourself, imagine that. Do you think she is doing it now? I bet she is. How does that make you feel? 

Don't be your own enemy, in this situation you, and others who have walked in these shoes, are your only friend and protector.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Everyone here is right, you can't go wrong filing for a divorce.

Nobody ever regrets divorcing a cheating spouse but many have regretted giving them a second chance.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Cheaters are selfish. That is the whole point of cheating. An affair won't spring a leak unless it is a GOD performed miracle where the cheater wakes up and walks out from their fog.

A cheater will continue to cake eat for as long as they want to. 

Don't be a wittol.

I will *reiterate *what has been said since the *beginning *of the thread, expose to her parents, OMW, and at work. Set the pressure on every point.

Use the 180 for yourself. Its not for her. The 180 is for you to gather strength, collect and reflect on yourself and your weaknesses, learning to feel, cope and control your emotions.

Soon enough you will be in those stages, where you will need to be strong, not physically.

You'll get there, keep going strong, nonstop, like a machine.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

ArmyofJuan said:


> Everyone here is right, you can't go wrong filing for a divorce.
> 
> Nobody ever regrets divorcing a cheating spouse but many have regretted giving them a second chance.


Reconciliation needs a primer. Your wife is not in R mode. She needs a full break from OM and, any flak from other men, and she needs a reset. 



She needs to be groveling at your feet, begging for forgiveness, asking for another chance, complying with all your demands in an instant.
That sounds like a good start for *CONSIDERING *reconciliation.

Actions speak louder than words.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Also no WS is going to want to R when the BS is in hyper-beta mode. If you are desperate, needy, insecure, emotional, ect. they will keep their distance because they (well no one really) wants to deal with that mess. It’s too much pressure.

R will only work if the WS wants it more than the BS. The fastest way to get to that point is for the BS to stop trying get the WS to come back and basically throw in the towel. The BS’s goal is head for a D and if the M can be saved then it’s up to the WS to stop the BS, then the BS will decided if it will be a D or R (never leave that up to the WS). R is really only possible if the BS has control.


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

I'm posting a wonderful post by JCD, hope this helps:

Originally Posted by JCD 
How about this: There are some martial arts like Akido which means you sit like a lump while you wait for your enemy to attack you. Now, you do your very best to turn the attack back on the enemy, but in some ways, Akido is a very passive martial art. It comes from it's moral underpinnings.

What this means is that IF you are VERY VERY GOOD, you can escape reasonably unscathed. But for most people, it means that you keep giving yourself a chance to be pounded on while you try to redirect their violence into ways that can't hurt you. They take hits and if you take enough hits, you don't recover.

Which is fine if you like that kind of thing.

There are...other choices. Why aren't YOU deciding on step 1, 2, and 3? 

Divorce

Gym

Exposure

Dating service

Moving.

Working on that promotion/job

Haircut

etc.

That way, YOU have a plan. YOU are attacking your life and your wife head on. SHE has to respond to you without YOU allowing her to plan her counter.

This isn't chess. You don't 'take turns' swiping at each other. Make your plan. Carry it out. If she does something significant, reassess your plans, counter and THRUST again!

The one who is off balance is the one who generally loses. So far, that's been you. But you seem to be centering up.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

sergioman said:


> How so I mean there's nothing for me to lose but divorce lawsuits are about having a better, more $$ lawyer.
> 
> I just can't get over the fact that if om had not come along at the exact moment he did in Dec. My wife and i and kids would be together right now. I know I must stop thinking that but it still sucks.....................


Make no mistake, all this kinda crap sucks big time, just don't let your cheating wife know that....

Crack her a smile and wish her the best, she is now someone else's problem.

This tactic will make her think twice in what she is about to lose.

Your confidence in letting her go, and a huge ego will make her think twice about her choices.

Granted it comes easier for some guys then others, but I'm just telling you what worked for me.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

In addition, my attitude had something to do with ending my old ladies affair's, but combine this with also making the affair inconvenient and uncomfortable helped alot.....things like exposure, the 180 and cutting my chick off both financially and emotionally helped.

The reason they call it tough love is cuz its tough as hell to bail on the one you love to show them the reality of their unhealthy choices.

But at the end of the day with out consequences bad sh1t will continue.


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