# Old Friend?



## ybeck309 (Dec 31, 2013)

I'm a married man of 25 years. My wife & I raised 2 children, who are now grown. I have been friends with an older guy whom I'll call Ward. Ward is 3 years older than I. We used to hang out when we were single, 18-30 years of age. Ward had a way with the ladies. I got married when I was 30. Ward was invited to the wedding, as it was a small, family only ceremony. OK, enough background info. The last several years, Ward got married, had a child, then he & his wife divorced after 3 years. We would bring Ward & his daughter on vacation with us after his divorce. Also, we would go to Ward's house for BBQ, movies, sports, etc. Eventually, his child decided that she wanted to live with her mother. My wife & Ward would talk a lot about that. She says that she felt sorry for him. Ward has met & dated several ladies since his divorce. Most of these dates were with women he dated back when he was single. None of them are interested in him now, after the first date. My wife tried to arrange meetings for him to meet women, but the women didn't like him. His appearance isn't attractive now. Age didn't do him well. He & my wife talk or text a lot more now. She invites him to go out with us to places, such as movies. Recently, my wife has been wanting to go out to bars or clubs. She invites Ward each time. I've asked her why does he have to come. Her reply is that he's a lot of fun. During our first 24 years of marriage, we rarely went out to a club. Mostly because we were raising kids. There are some other details, but I'll leave those out for now. I've warned her that she's walking in territory that she shouldn't be, regarding Ward, such as she's sending out signals, unaware (or maybe not?) & I've mentioned that he's sowing seeds with her. She naturally denied it. Back during the spring, my wife claimed that she was going through menopause. A couple of months later, she started getting aroused & wanting more sex. In the last 20 years, our sex life was maybe once or twice a month, by her choice - not in the mood. We began having sex 3-4 times a week. Until recently. She wasn't in the mood. One evening, recently, we're planning a night out to a club. She calls & invites Ward. We go to the club, the door man charges Ward for my wife & his cover. I give Ward the amount he paid for her, when we got inside. After several drinks, I excused myself to one of the men's room. When I exited the restroom, I noticed that he was watching for me & moved back from my wife. He had been leaning close to her. About 30 minutes pass, I excuse myself again. But this time, I use a different restroom. When I exited the restroom, I could see them without them seeing me. He was talking with her, as usual, but not as close as before. I could see him looking back towards the restroom I used, but I was standing behind some people, so he couldn't see me. He looked over at the restroom several times before I walked up behind him. I can't quite prove anything's happening, or has happened. I'm considering a mobile phone app. that gives me access to my wife's phone messages & eavesdrop on her calls. Any advice on this would be appreciated. Thanks for reading this far.


----------



## Anubis (Jul 12, 2011)

ybeck,
You have valid reasons to be concerned. At this time, you don't know enough to be rock-solid sure one way or the other beyond the fact that your wife's behavior has changed a lot recently, and that she and Ward aren't respecting your marriage's boundaries as much as they should.

Suspicion can eat you up inside. You need facts. Given the situation you described, I feel that you should do some investigation to find out the details of what transpires between them, without them becoming aware you're playing NSA. If she has recently responded to you by saying that you aren't trusting her, or you are invading her privacy that's a red flag that you need to investigate - It's not being disrespectful to your marriage to get independent verification for the purposes of putting all your fears, worries and concerns to rest rather than let them eat you alive..

Check out the CWI (Coping With Infidelity) section of this site, and just keep reading, looking for advice, ideas and other people's experience on what to look for, and how to go about things. Also read up on common behavior patterns and reactions when it comes to spouses that are tempted, straying, or when people make moves on them. 

It's entirely possible that you are blowing things out of proportion .. or .. that inappropriate things are brewing between Ward and your wife. You really don't want to guess wrong or blame the wrong party on this and have your world explode, so you need to go James Bond, even if it normally is something you'd never do.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sounds like old Ward is trying to make a move on your lady.


----------



## Anubis (Jul 12, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Sounds like old Ward is trying to make a move on your lady.


Agreed and seconded. 

It sounds like he's missing the success with the ladies he once had, and is focusing on her because she's one of the only one who still responds positively to his attentions. The OP has issues with both of them, but his wife is the only one he should be concerned about keeping.


----------



## ybeck309 (Dec 31, 2013)

After reading those replies, my questions are about the spying part. I looked at several phone apps. & wonder which one to use. Also, if anyone has used such apps. & could you tell me which one worked. I considered planning a "ghost" trip out of town. Basically, I'd tell her that I'm going out of town for business for about 3-4 days, then use a rental car to follow or watch my house. I'd rather use the phone app. To add to my story, tonight we're going to "Ward's" house for New Year's Eve party. I'll pretend to drink, but only will have cola in my glass. I'll observe what happens. I'll post more tomorrow. Thanks.


----------



## MrHappy (Oct 23, 2008)

LOTS of red flags. And not just on Ward's part but your wife's also. You will have to set a boundary and first step and is to sit down, look into your wife's eyes and ask the hard questions. She sees something in Ward you are not meeting.

Did she know Ward before meeting you?

Did she date Ward once?

All these flags tell me and EA or PA happened or is immanent.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Look at this thread...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/67661-become-spy-catching-them-technology.html


----------



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

It sounds obvious that you object to her inviting Ward, but, does she RESPECT the fact that you object? It seems not.

Because while it does seem that Ward may indeed be trying to land his plane on your W's runway, your W is a different matter.

The increase in sex could be a red flag (i.e., she's learning new moves, and is trying to keep you from being suspicious), but look at other areas. Do you notice any coldness or "distance" from her? Is her cellphone now glued to her hip, and would she let you look at it? Have you seen her cellphone bill lately? Is she e-mailing more than usual lately? Is she on the computer, and if you walk in the room, does she quickly close the window? Do you have access to her e-mail account, or has she changed the password? When you both go out (just the two of you), does she make an effort to look good (make up, clothes, hair)? When she has Ward around as a 3rd wheel, does she go out of her way to get dolled up? And if Ward can't come, does she get very disappointed, even saying that she doesn't want to go out now? Does she go out on "Girls' Night Out" (GNOs) frequently? Does she have to "work late" more often than she used to? And when you were in the club, and you saw Ward looking over his shoulder, was your W also looking to see if you were there?

And most important: Does your gut tell you that there is more, MUCH MUCH MORE to this than she is letting on?

These could all be red flags that you may or may not have noticed.

One of the reasons that I point out her flippant attitude to your concerns is that if she is pursuing a little more than just friendship with Ward, then allowing him to be a 3rd wheel is being seen by her as "permission" to carry on an affair.


----------



## ybeck309 (Dec 31, 2013)

To answer the questions by MrHappy & F-104, My wife didn't know Ward before her & I started dating. She appears to not respect my objection of Ward joining us. As for now, she doesn't appear to be cold or distant - yet. Her cell phone is an extension of one of her hands. Never leaves her side. So any attempt to read text messages or getting information from her cell will be difficult, without drawing suspicion. I'd like to find out before she covers her tracks, if indeed something is up. She doesn't use the computer much & her Facebook is open or always up for me to see, if I like. So there's no public goings on, that I see. As for her dressing up, lately she's been wanting to dress sexy, but not sleazy. As far as I know, she doesn't appear to be upset if Ward doesn't go out with us to dinner or a movie, but when we go to night clubs or taverns, he's always with us. There's no girl's night out & she doesn't work at a place that she has to work late or at night. If there has been a sexual encounter, it would be a morning thing when I'm at work or a time in October when I was out of town for a week. She was never a morning sex person in the 26+ years we've been dating or married. And the last question, she wasn't looking for me in the club. He was. My gut feeling is that something's up. Most likely he's behind it. I'll post the NYE party event this weekend & why I think he's pursuing my wife. Thanks.


----------



## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

ybeck309 said:


> To answer the questions by MrHappy & F-104, My wife didn't know Ward before her & I started dating. She appears to not respect my objection of Ward joining us. As for now, she doesn't appear to be cold or distant - yet. Her cell phone is an extension of one of her hands. Never leaves her side. So any attempt to read text messages or getting information from her cell will be difficult, without drawing suspicion. I'd like to find out before she covers her tracks, if indeed something is up. She doesn't use the computer much & her Facebook is open or always up for me to see, if I like. So there's no public goings on, that I see. As for her dressing up, lately she's been wanting to dress sexy, but not sleazy. As far as I know, she doesn't appear to be upset if Ward doesn't go out with us to dinner or a movie, but when we go to night clubs or taverns, he's always with us. There's no girl's night out & she doesn't work at a place that she has to work late or at night. If there has been a sexual encounter, it would be a morning thing when I'm at work or a time in October when I was out of town for a week. *She was never a morning sex person in the 26+ years we've been dating or married.* And the last question, she wasn't looking for me in the club. He was. My gut feeling is that something's up. Most likely he's behind it. I'll post the NYE party event this weekend & why I think he's pursuing my wife. Thanks.


Not saying that she's slept with him; I have no idea. One thing is sure, though, from my time reading here: if a spouse is indeed stepping out on you, throw out everything you think you know about what they'll do.

Over and over again, it's stories of people who refused to do certain sex acts, have sex at certain times and in certain places with their spouse, who all of a sudden can't get enough of that with the affair partner.

Again, that isn't to say that your wife slept with Ward. Just that you shouldn't assume anything.


----------



## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Personally, it doesn't sound like to me that any official hanky-panky has occurred, but there is a lot of haze in this situation that merits some vigilance and initiative. I wouldn't suggest going on your "weekend away" plan...as that may actually create the scenario you are trying to avoid. I think it is important to get confrontational, set boundaries where your concerns aren't passive pleas that she can run around, but rather firm and bold directives...that says certain things are unacceptable. And perhaps you need to go to your friend to remind him that your wife is off limits.


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I also think that the fake out of town thing is a good idea, but I would also buy a few of those VAR's and put one in her car where she can't find it and one in the house where you know she makes most of her phone calls.

As far as her never being a morning person when it comes to sex, but you said that you guys only had sex once or twice a month and now she revving her engine a lot more with sex so it looks like something is changing. 

If you feel that something is wrong then for the most part it is. I'm not saying anything sexual has happened yet but if this continues then she could be making a huge mistake that could cost her marriage. 

I wouldn't worry about "Ward", you problem is with your wife and if it comes down to her having a fling with him then you can address it. Do the out of town thing and get the VAR's. 

Anyone know how to get a hold of Weightlifter?


----------



## ybeck309 (Dec 31, 2013)

I'm looking into cell phone monitoring software. There are lots to choose from with a lot of options. Mainly, I'm looking for the GPS, text, & the voice with the ability to hear the surrounding environment aps. The blocking of the internet & some of the other features are a bit much. Don't think I need that, although it would be kind of fun to block Facebook now & then... As for the NYE party, things went pretty good, as far as Ward behaving with my wife. There were 3 women there that Ward could have scored with, but for some reason, he struck out on all 3. I guess 1 of them, I couldn't blame him for not trying. The other 2, I don't understand. I kept an eye on my wife & Ward, without being obvious. Now & then, my wife would go to the back of Ward's house (where the party was) to use her cell phone. She was calling her sister to chat about the party on goings. When it was time to go home, my wife didn't want to leave the party. It was 12:45, so it was time. We had been there since 9:30. Her & Ward were sitting on his couch talking about one of the ladies that was at the party. Ward told her that he wasn't interested in that lady. I asked her 3 times to head home. The 3rd time, I asked her if she wanted to stay. My wife had a bit too much to drink over the course of the evening, so I figured she would loosen up more. She answered with a raised, surprised voice "NO, just wait." I demanded that she get up & leave or stay the night. She got up. On the drive home, she said that Ward wasn't interested in 2 of the ladies there, but the 3rd had potential. She never mentioned anything about me telling her to stay at Ward's house. The next day, New Year's, she spoke with Ward & he told her that the 3rd lady wasn't interested. So, I'm still wondering who is pursuing who, or whatever. I'm being quiet about my suspicions with her & Ward. I haven't brought up his name since Tuesday night. She mentioned today that we're going to his house to watch NFL football Saturday night & Sunday night. It would be interesting to have the cell monitoring software right now & mention that I am not interested in going. Then see what the conversations turn to between them. However, I'm not sure of the software to get at this time. I looked at one link provided here in an earlier response, but I don't feel like it's legit. So, I'll have to endure a couple of games this weekend...


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

6301 said:


> I also think that the fake out of town thing is a good idea, but I would also buy a few of those VAR's and put one in her car where she can't find it and one in the house where you know she makes most of her phone calls.
> 
> As far as her never being a morning person when it comes to sex, but you said that you guys only had sex once or twice a month and now she revving her engine a lot more with sex so it looks like something is changing.
> 
> ...


I'm told these var's can get 100's of hours of record times? This could be very useful. Can someone validate this, that the recommended sony var's can get 100's of hours of record time in voice activated mode operating on battery?


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

You wife has way too much interest in what's going on in Ward's sex life

As others have pointed out you should realize that there are red flags here. It doesn't mean she's cheated with Ward and maybe you are benefiting from the the way she feels after helping Ward but it is definitely something I would keep my eye on

Monitor her and get the VARs mentioned earlier as well as the cell monitoring software. Also pull her cell phone records and look for lots of calls and texts between her and Ward especially when you are not around or asleep


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I personally wouldn't go the spy route right now. You already have crossed boundaries issues.

I would only spy if there were indications but nothing concrete.

You have already allowed far too much leeway with ol ward and your wife.

If I were you I would invite ward out with you alone and then get as serious as death with him.

I would let him know that if he didn't get some other interests, instead of hanging around you or your wife, that you are going to blow him up ugly instead of the clean cut off you are offering him.

No goodbyes, no explanation, just tell ward to disappear.

Then go get real with your wife and let her know ward is off the menu even as a friend and if something has occurred, maybe she needs to fess up. If she says nothing went on, fine. You should let her know her behavior has broken trust and she needs to earn it back.

I would take charge.


----------



## ybeck309 (Dec 31, 2013)

Yeah, I agree, somethings up. We're going to Ward's house to watch the NFL games. However, instead of going both tonight & Sunday night's game, I suggested that we only go one night to Ward's. She got upset & said that she doesn't enjoy watching football at home. Now & then she will go to her family's house to watch the game. Her family lives about 45 minutes from us. I wouldn't go but maybe 1 or 2 times. But sometimes she would invite Ward to go, although my son rides with them. Her family even questioned this... Every time she's questioned regarding Ward, she denies it & recently, she's showing emotion. I have talked to my children about what they think about their mother hanging out or talking with Ward a lot & they say it looks bad. So, they are in agreement with me & are aware of whats happening. They have told her the same: it looks bad. Thus, its time for me to take the clandestine action. I've decided on the software & will download it within 2 weeks.


----------



## ybeck309 (Dec 31, 2013)

O k, been awhile. I did the deed & read the first wave of text messages. Turns out, a few readers of this post & myself are right: Ward wants my wife. I'm waiting for her response. So far, she's rejected his advances. But this is only after 2 days of reading. Looks like the $75 may be worth its price... Thanks.


----------



## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

ybeck309 said:


> O k, been awhile. I did the deed & read the first wave of text messages. Turns out, a few readers of this post & myself are right: Ward wants my wife. I'm waiting for her response. So far, she's rejected his advances. But this is only after 2 days of reading. Looks like the $75 may be worth its price... Thanks.


I hope you jump all over this and stop it dead.

Ward needs a knuckle sandwich.


----------



## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

ybeck309 said:


> O k, been awhile. I did the deed & read the first wave of text messages. Turns out, a few readers of this post & myself are right: Ward wants my wife. I'm waiting for her response. So far, she's rejected his advances. But this is only after 2 days of reading. Looks like the $75 may be worth its price... Thanks.


Sounds to me like you need to teach your old buddy Ward a thing or two about boundaries right about now. Why let him keep hitting on your W?


----------



## ybeck309 (Dec 31, 2013)

I'll have to wait in dealing with Ward. I want to see how she responds. I only have a small amount to go on, & its all on him. I've mentioned to my wife the other day about inappropriate chat around him & she sorta blew me off. Time will tell... Thanks.


----------



## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

you don't really need to wait, you can expose confront ward and expose his andvances to bot families and common firneds.

and the take you wife to a polygraph to check that nothing has happened yet, people normally crack and even confess small details before going to where the test will be executed


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

ybeck309 said:


> I'll have to wait in dealing with Ward. I want to see how she responds. I only have a small amount to go on, & its all on him. I've mentioned to my wife the other day about inappropriate chat around him & she sorta blew me off. Time will tell... Thanks.


Don't wait too much longer nip this.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

If you were presenting this in CWI, the people there would have their hair on fire. These things move very fast. This has been brewing a long time and boundaries have been crossed. Please do not sit and watch for long. Confront and demand 'no contact' asap.


----------



## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> If you were presenting this in CWI, the people there would have their hair on fire. These things move very fast. This has been brewing a long time and boundaries have been crossed. Please do not sit and watch for long. Confront and demand 'no contact' asap.


Agree with Alte dame, many times stupidly WS let themselves fall in the fantasy of the romance, because OM sweet talking them of how special and beatifull they are, and as unlike you she don't have to carry the stress of a real marriage (as finances, mortage, bills, family problems, kids problems), OM become kind of a escape, of course many of them later regret it but is too late at that point.

my advices.

be strong, don't take Bull crap from any of the two of them, first go and confront ward and dont take ****, forbid her presence around your family, and cut his frienship, then send a mail notifaying friends and family of what this man is doing, lastly confront you wife telling her that you know that he was making advances on her, you don't have proves that she made anything but you are angry because she didn't notify you about his advances (don't accept stupid excuses)

now her reaction is important, if she cries, apologize and admits that it was wrong is good, if she become stuborn, accuse you of controlling and try to blameshift, then you are in problems and she is at least emotionally engaged to him.

in any case I advice you to take her to a polygraph test and she have to go NC with ward as all your family.


----------



## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

ybeck309 said:


> O k, been awhile. I did the deed & read the first wave of text messages. Turns out, a few readers of this post & myself are right: Ward wants my wife. I'm waiting for her response. So far, she's rejected his advances. But this is only after 2 days of reading. Looks like the $75 may be worth its price... Thanks.


 Has she rejected his attempts or just ignored them? Can you post the exchanges here? Oh yeah....keep monitoring!!! And never reveal your sources when you confront. That way you can keep monitoring. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

ybeck309 said:


> O k, been awhile. I did the deed & read the first wave of text messages. Turns out, a few readers of this post & myself are right: Ward wants my wife. I'm waiting for her response. So far, she's rejected his advances. But this is only after 2 days of reading. Looks like the $75 may be worth its price... Thanks.


What'd the messages say?


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Ditto on the last few comments. These things escalate like a gasoline fire.

One worry is it goes physical. OK, you can monitor and see that it hasn't. This is not your main worry! Your main worry is that she crosses some line emotionally. You will not know it has happened until it does. When it does, it is too late.

Either nuke it asap or wait for nature to take it's course. If you wait, and if it goes in the wrong direction, there is no Reset button back to your existing marriage or family.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

With you sitting around and waiting you are looking weak in her eyes.
He on the other hand is taking what he wants.
You need to step it up.
If she calls you controlling tell her you are protecting your marriage.
You may have to force her hand where it is you or him, not both.
It may come to that.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

GutshotButAlive said:


> 1) Why on earth haven't you confronted Ward? This guy needs to be told in no uncertain terms to GTFO.
> 
> 2) When you are done with ex-friend, confront your wife..


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

I cant believe that you have allowed this to go on as long as it has.

Ever heard that 3 is a crowd. I thought at the beginning this whole thing was a little bit weird, your friend tagging along with you when you went out.... your wife feeling sorry for him, saying that hes a lot of fun etc..... No matter how you look at it, I do not think its right.

I am not saying your wife has done anything wrong, the only thing i believe shes doing wrong is inviting him along everywhere you go, because shes giving mixed messages. In his head maybe he believes he has a chance, I mean shes always wanting him to come everywhere with you, even going round to his to watch the game with him.

I would have nipped it in the bud a long time ago, Its gone on way to long. You should have gave her an ultimatum, wanted this guy OUT your lives, the more it goes on, the more worse it has got.

You now have proof, this friend of yours has his eyes set on your wife (great friend by the way). She knew this, and yet she stills wants to see him.

I can only see this one way, and its not good.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

manticore said:


> now her reaction is important, if she cries, apologize and admits that it was wrong is good, if she become stuborn, accuse you of controlling and try to blameshift, then you are in problems and she is at least emotionally engaged to him.


:iagree:


----------



## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

The problem is that OP follows the Beta script to the letter. The weak performance you display in the marriage, the accepting all from her, not standing up for yourself makes you a very unactractive male.

You do not see the real problem, that is you have to reform your behavior first, then take action towards her. 

And the sex....it is a temperature gauge of the relation....get back on track, if you behave more male then she will be more attracted to you. Beat up Ward (virtually spoken) and drag your wife back to the cave.


----------



## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

If Ward made a pass at your wife or otherwise expressed his interest in her, then you need to immediately go to Ward and "express your interest" in him taking a hike. He's a coward. He'll back down. We're talking about a guy that works behind your back, after all.

After that, it's time for a chit chat with your wife. Her response will be a good indicator of where she is emotionally. There's only two people in a marriage, my friend.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

sh987 said:


> If Ward made a pass at your wife or otherwise expressed his interest in her, then you need to immediately go to Ward and "express your interest" in him taking a hike.


:rofl:

:iagree:


----------



## ForeverDreaming (Jan 15, 2014)

ybeck309, I'm new to this forum and this thread being one of the first I've read, i wanted to contribute.

Most of what others have said regarding Ward is true, you need to confront this "Friend" but my advice would be to do it in a confident way. Reading what you have put it sounds to me like your wife loves you and has no intentions towards this Ward, if she did you would have seen clearer signs to the fact and even messages responding to Ward. The fact that she rebuffed your idea of staying without you speaks volumes to this! 

Tell your wife you are not happy with Ward being too close and are going to warn him off and then take him for a beer and tell him that you and you wife are happy but he is crossing the line and needs to piss off.

Be confident and i hope things work out.


----------



## ybeck309 (Dec 31, 2013)

Ok, here's what's happened since my last post. I confronted my wife first. I told her that I had transcripts of her text messages & lists of her phone calls. So, the day before the confrontation, I had asked her if she had been texting Ward. She denied it (4 times). GTG for now...bbl thx


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Well, she's being deceitful.

This is just the tip of the iceberg.


----------



## ybeck309 (Dec 31, 2013)

Ok, caught her in enough lies regarding the text messages & phone calls. Her response: "I was afraid of costing a long term friendship." I told her that this was b/s. The friendship ended & the marriage was on the verge. Well, anyway Ward calls me 3 days after I confronted her. He apologized, naturally. I told him, with her standing by me that I did not want anymore contact between them. Plain & simple. Well, she texts him, basically saying that it will blow over & we'll remain friends. Well, I blew her up with the transcripts that I got from her mobile provider. Then I called Ward & told him about how I read their text messages & that if he attempted any more contact with my wife, directly, or by email, internet, or proxy (using someone else to contact her) I would press charges against him. I said that I sought legal counsel on this one & hung up the phone. I then told my wife that if I found out about any contact with him by her, same pretenses as I told Ward, then I'd file for divorce immediately. By the way, those who are considering a phone spy app., let me know. It works, but has limits... It took me only 2 days to get what I needed. Now, as for some questions raised: He did pursue her, even after the so called apology. She did say to stop, but did not stop talking with him. He attempted to kiss her & grabbed her ass a few times. She spilled her guts when I confronted her with transcripts. She did not see the transcripts, but when I told her what I read in those 2 days, there was no denial. The app. is still handy, as I'm finding out some other things. All I know is: if I'm still married by year's end, then either its God's will & she straightens out, or I'm a fool. Thanks for your posts & prayers.


----------



## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Well done. The situation is terrible, but it could be far worse, like some others here have experienced.

Be at least satisfied you did very well.


----------



## MrHappy (Oct 23, 2008)

Way to stand up. Did you get legal counsel? Haven't read the whole thread. I would assume worst case and talk to a lawyer about what happens when you file wherever you are and get everything lined up. Credit cards, paper work, etc should be able to be cut over when you need it. HOPEFULLY you won't but BE PREPARED!


----------



## Mainstays (Jul 29, 2013)

I am sorry that you're in this situation. If you're going to stay married you're going to have to start trusting her again. MC is a good way to go, get everything out on the table. Keep a lawyer up your sleeve though and good thing Ward is gone.


----------



## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

ybeck309 said:


> Well, she texts him, basically saying that it will blow over & we'll remain friends.


This is infuriating--complete disregard for your feelings. Glad to hear you got this taken care of!


----------



## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Sounds like old Ward is trying to make a move on your lady.


What's "Ward" got that she likes? maybe it was never the looks, which have now dissipated, maybe it was the charm. As my WS said about the POSOM "They just know what to say". (Nice way to slyly abrogate responsibility mind you)


----------



## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Why are you even bothering with this? She's so lost in the fog she'll never recover. If she's so damned determined to maintain this "friendship", call ol' Ward, in her presence, and tell him to come and pick her up. Then help her pack. Be interesting to see how she reacts when she finds out that she's gonna be out on her ear. You deserve better, brother.


----------



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Get ready for her to start saying that you need some time apart, or that she needs "space" to figure things out, or even the dreaded ILYBINILWY speech.

It means that she wants to give ol' Ward a chance.


----------



## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

So, how has she reacted to the loss of her "friendship" with ol' Ward? When you blew it up in her face and told her that not only could she never have any more contact with him, but that you would divorce her if she did how did she react. Regret? Anger at you for "snooping" and invading her "privacy?" Has she been remorseful? Has she made promises to go NC? Or has she dug in her heels and made it clear that her heart is with OM and she's not stopping the relationship even at the cost of her marriage? What's the update on your situation?


----------



## ybeck309 (Dec 31, 2013)

Thummper: She has a lot of regret over the whole thing. She even mentions the fact that she really was impressed with everything I did, regarding the phone transcripts & confronting Ward twice. I laid the law down & she actually likes it. Mainstays has a point: there comes a time in a marriage where trust & love becomes stretched. She did not have sexual contact from what I read in her texts. Otherwise, he would have mentioned that he wanted more, not just see her again. Betrayal is an ugly thing & hard to get over. But I'll do my part in this marriage & see if she does the same. I can't keep the "hammer down" & expect her to like it. So, far we have got along great & recommitted ourselves to what we have built over the last 26 years we've dated/married. Thanks for your posts, help & prayers.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

ybeck309 said:


> Thummper: She has a lot of regret over the whole thing. She even mentions the fact that she really was impressed with everything I did, regarding the phone transcripts & confronting Ward twice. I laid the law down & she actually likes it. Mainstays has a point: there comes a time in a marriage where trust & love becomes stretched. She did not have sexual contact from what I read in her texts. Otherwise, he would have mentioned that he wanted more, not just see her again. Betrayal is an ugly thing & hard to get over. But I'll do my part in this marriage & see if she does the same. I can't keep the "hammer down" & expect her to like it. So, far we have got along great & recommitted ourselves to what we have built over the last 26 years we've dated/married. Thanks for your posts, help & prayers.


You did most everything well.
It sounds like she digs that alpha side of you that won't tolerate sh!t.
now get some hysterical bonding going on.


----------



## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

I really wish you and your missus the best, and I mean that sincerely. I hope you two have many more years together.....without Ward, of course.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

thummper said:


> I really wish you and your missus the best, and I mean that sincerely. I hope you two have many more years together.....without Ward, of course.


:smthumbup:
Nice way to end the week no?


----------



## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

ybeck309 for what I read, you detected your "friend" when he was begining to engage your wife emotionally, for what I understand you did not publicly expose his attemps with family and friends (maybe you want to manage everything discretely), please expose his attemps with everybody.

there was a user like you who also detected his "friend" attemps when it was just the beginning of a emotional engagement, until then, there had not been any kind of physical contact yet, he confronted his wife and she cried and begged for forgivness, he even took her to his parents house, he confronted his "friend" and he apologised and promised no contact her anymore, he even send a letter to him apologising again. and he let it go and did not expose him (which he later regreted).

then his OM knew that he could not contact op's wife by phone, mail or FB anymore, so he began to show at her work at luch hours and began to comunícate with her during work hours in her office, and they continuing contact until finally it became an affair, when the OP discovered that it was an affair he finally exposed the bastard to everybody, but he regreted no doing it when it was just emotinal engagement.

the OP's user is "devastateddad"

and this is his thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/57247-she-cheated-i-hate-my-life.html

please expose the b*stard to everybody including your kids, if she is alredy emtional engaged with him (as it appears to be the case for how she said that with time they will be able to communicate again), she will not think straight, and if he contact her in other ways she my think that she will be able to handle the relationship without turning in affair (as devastateddad's wife thought).

BTW: Devastateddad also threatened her with divorce if they had any kind of communication again, and in the end she still did it.

(she also posted in the thread redacting what she was thinking during the whole affair)


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

manticore said:


> ybeck309 for what I read, you detected your "friend" when he was begining to engage your wife emotionally, for what I understand you did not publicly expose his attemps with family and friends (maybe you want to manage everything discretely), please expose his attemps with everybody.
> 
> there was a user like you who also detected his "friend" attemps when it was just the beginning of a emotional engagement, until then, there had not been any kind of physical contact yet, he confronted his wife and she cried and begged for forgivness, he even took her to his parents house, he confronted his "friend" and he apologised and promised no contact her anymore, he even send a letter to him apologising again. and he let it go and did not expose him (which he later regreted).
> 
> ...


He triggered bad cleaning up some tapes for RDMU I think.
They are basically room mates now.


----------



## spanz (Feb 6, 2014)

I am not seeing the acts that she is doing that you are all concerned about. But if you are only having sex once or twice a month....yeah she probably IS looking for a lover. Why so infrequent? What excuses do you have for not satisfying her needs? Better change quick before this ward IS shtooping her.


----------



## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

ybeck309 said:


> Ok, caught her in enough lies regarding the text messages & phone calls. Her response: "I was afraid of costing a long term friendship." I told her that this was b/s. The friendship ended & the marriage was on the verge. Well, anyway Ward calls me 3 days after I confronted her. He apologized, naturally. I told him, with her standing by me that I did not want anymore contact between them. Plain & simple. Well, she texts him, basically saying that it will blow over & we'll remain friends. Well, I blew her up with the transcripts that I got from her mobile provider. Then I called Ward & told him about how I read their text messages & that if he attempted any more contact with my wife, directly, or by email, internet, or proxy (using someone else to contact her) I would press charges against him. I said that I sought legal counsel on this one & hung up the phone. I then told my wife that if I found out about any contact with him by her, same pretenses as I told Ward, then I'd file for divorce immediately. By the way, those who are considering a phone spy app., let me know. It works, but has limits... It took me only 2 days to get what I needed. Now, as for some questions raised: He did pursue her, even after the so called apology. She did say to stop, but did not stop talking with him. He attempted to kiss her & grabbed her ass a few times. She spilled her guts when I confronted her with transcripts. She did not see the transcripts, but when I told her what I read in those 2 days, there was no denial. The app. is still handy, as I'm finding out some other things. All I know is: if I'm still married by year's end, then either its God's will & she straightens out, or I'm a fool. Thanks for your posts & prayers.


The App will not be handy for long because you blabbed how you got your evidence. Now WW gets a secret phone.


----------



## ybeck309 (Dec 31, 2013)

Been awhile. For the most part, things have been quiet on the home front. I learned a lot about mobile phone monitoring in the process. Mobile Spy has it's limits, but it did do what I needed initially. I suggest to others considering cell monitor software to look at the features. A key logger is probably the best thing to get. The person using the monitored cell can erase the message as soon as it is sent or received. The monitor software will not pick up the messages if they are erased within 1 minute of sending or receiving. Also, MS gps monitor system isn't very accurate. My wife works close to Ward's house. So, imagine my heart rate when I saw the map of her location (she was at work). The phone my wife uses is an android-LG. This phone needs to be rooted to get the most from MS. Now, I was unable to root her phone, so I couldn't see her emails. I had to purchase computer key logging & monitoring software to get her email & passwords. So I watch things from time to time. Figured that she or Ward might get complacent & try things anew. I do have a lawyer up my sleeve, as well as a friend who is in the police department, who provided me with some legal council: press charges against Ward & have him arrested. I appreciate the posts everyone has put on here. I've learned a lot about trust, among other things that lovers shouldn't have to learn.


----------



## Lift326 (Mar 18, 2014)

You sir are a better man than me.... Ward would have had a baseball bat to the back of his knees and then to his lower legs and a few kicks to the ribs..... He was in complete violation not because he was any guy but because he was your friend.... You handled the situation with brains and class sir.


----------



## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

is good that you keep your guard on and monitoring their actions, as I told you, in the past there have been other users that just like you detected the the advances of the OM before anything happened, but after the first confrontation they entered in the comfort zone again and then is when the affairs actually took place.

I hope that you followed our advice and exposed the POS with everybody around you.


----------



## ybeck309 (Dec 31, 2013)

Some Biblical advice says to forgive those who harm you. I was told this by a friend, also. I told the friend that I can forgive but not forget. And just because I'll forgive Ward, doesn't mean that we'll still be friends. Later on, I had this discussion with my wife. I asked her why would I allow Ward back & let him gain access again. W.C. Fields quote: Never give a sucker an even break. An old Chinese proverb: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I reminded my wife that any correspondence between her & Ward would not be acceptable. Perhaps I need to "misplace" a calling card of a divorce lawyer on my desk.... Thanks for the help & prayers!


----------



## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

You can forgive him AND block him from you wife's life. The second is the biblical guard to prevent further sin.


----------



## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

ybeck309 said:


> Some Biblical advice says to forgive those who harm you. I was told this by a friend, also. I told the friend that I can forgive but not forget. And just because I'll forgive Ward, doesn't mean that we'll still be friends. Later on, I had this discussion with my wife. I asked her why would I allow Ward back & let him gain access again. W.C. Fields quote: Never give a sucker an even break. An old Chinese proverb: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I reminded my wife that any correspondence between her & Ward would not be acceptable. Perhaps I need to "misplace" a calling card of a divorce lawyer on my desk.... Thanks for the help & prayers!


ybeck you are totally right, you should not allow this POS in your life again, you can forgive him, but the fact that you forgive does not mean that you have to embrace someone who shows that for his own satisfaction has no problem in destroying someone else marriage (and even more considering that you were supposed to be his friend) , he show you his true colors, why would you allow such a toxic entity in your life (even if he would stop courting your wife which I doubt).

I hope that is not your wife the one pushing you to continue tha fienship, because that would mean that she is looking for excuses to have contact with him again.

I also hope that you are reading all the advices we are giving you, I commented you about "devastateddad" who had a similar situation to yours, he made the ,mistake of forgiving his "friend" (when he caught him courting his wife) and he allowed him again in his life and OM again persued his wife and this was when he finally seduced her.

you have to do what is best for your marriage, don't allow this POS near your family again and don't accept excueses from your wife if she is caught again communicating with him.


----------



## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

BTW: about monitoring your wife, she already knows that you can read her texts (in her cell phone) and media communications, so is possible that if she wants to continue communication with this POS, she can just buy a disposable phone and begin contact again (I really hope this is not the case, but don't discard it)


----------



## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

ybeck309 said:


> Some Biblical advice says to forgive those who harm you. I was told this by a friend, also. I told the friend that I can forgive but not forget. And just because I'll forgive Ward, doesn't mean that we'll still be friends. Later on, I had this discussion with my wife. I asked her why would I allow Ward back & let him gain access again. W.C. Fields quote: Never give a sucker an even break. An old Chinese proverb: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I reminded my wife that any correspondence between her & Ward would not be acceptable. Perhaps I need to "misplace" a calling card of a divorce lawyer on my desk.... Thanks for the help & prayers!


OP

Am a little unclear on some details.......
Did ward and your wife ever hang out together alone? When/how did he try his grabs at her, attempt to kiss her etc?? Are you confident all their contact was electronic, and why? Did she warm up to any of his advances per her text responses?


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

As head 007 here... OP. You are impressive.

Nuff said.


----------

