# Not sure what to think about wife?



## discouraged1 (Mar 16, 2010)

Background: We have been married 20+ years with 2 boys. Here is the problem.
Wife can never ever except anything I say about her. When I try to compliment her she just gives me the evil look and says "yeah right". She has been like this since day one and it is never any different regardless of what I say.
I am just so sick of it.
What is her problem?

Also, anytime I try to joke around or say something funny or try to be a little sexual she immediately turns it around on me. So let me give you an example:
We have desserts here that are called "tasty cakes". She knows I love them.
I was playing around trying to make an inuendo by saying I really would like to eat her "tasty cake" over the real thing any day. 
She comes right back with the reply "I hope you have not been eating any one elses tasty cakes lately".
She does this all the time as well...
And for the record she has done this since day one as well and has no reason to think this. I have not cheated on her.
Again, very frustrating and it is draining me!
Any thoughts on what I can do to change this or is she going to be like this forever?


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Meh, she's a little insecure. You need to tell her in stern terms that this bothers you and to cut it out for the reasons you've given. To be honest given all the infidelity stories I've been reading lately, you should be glad it's not the other way around.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

discouraged1 said:


> When I try to compliment her she just gives me the evil look and says "yeah right". * She has been like this since day one *and it is never any different regardless of what I say.


Since day one you have known how she is. What you see is what you get.



discouraged said:


> I am just so sick of it.
> What is her problem?


I think a far more relevant question is, "What is your problem?" You dated a woman, married a woman, and are STILL discouraged, frustrated, and unhappy with the very same woman she was the day you met her. I think you should ask yourself why you are staying rather than why she is the way she is. If she wants to figure herself out, she can get counseling or post here herself.



discouraged said:


> She comes right back with the reply "I hope you have not been eating any one elses tasty cakes lately".
> *She does this all the time as well...*And for the record *she has done this since day one *as well and has no reason to think this.
> 
> Any thoughts on what I can do to change this or is she going to be like this forever?


You can't change her, and that is what you want to change. Nobody - and I mean NOBODY - has the power to change another person. We change ourselves or we stay stuck. And you sound very, very stuck. Indeed.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

discouraged1, a hypothetical analogy for you . . .

You find yourself getting a beer gut (not necessarily from drinking beer) and become rather self conscious about it. Like, maybe a sister or cousin began teasing you about it a few days ago. Then, your wife tries to compliment you on how slim and trim you are. You can imagine wanting to tell her you know your belly is growing lately because, after all, you noticed it and someone else noticed it, too. You would probably wonder why she said such a thing when you know it obviously is not so true anymore.

That's the way a lot of women are, most women I would venture to say. We are very, very self conscious about our body. It is also true that most of us are possessed of poor body image. We are quick to notice and point out all of what we consider flaws. While you might think differently, we know our own truth. Perhaps you don't see her the way she sees herself. While you may try to convince your wife that her flaws do not matter to you as such imperfections, her flaws surely do bother her. Therefore, when you compliment her on something that she sees in an entirely different way (and a way that actually bothers her about herself), then it is extremely difficult to accept the compliment. The first thing she does is wonder what is wrong with your eyesight. The second thing she does is wonder if there is something else wrong with you. To her, you are lying, so the third thing she does is think you must be trying to manipulate her in order to get sex tonight.

That's the way a whole lot of women are. We cannot accept a compliment that we know to ourselves to be untrue. You might expect a genuine "thank you" and warm hug to follow, but you might as well have told her you have lost your mind. She simply cannot accept the compliment.

I made my example all about her body image, but there are other reasons people find accepting compliments difficult. If she cooks something that tastes too salty to her, but you tell her it is very good, the same process will run through her mind. She'll wonder if you've lost your taste buds or something. She will assume you are just being kind to ease her disappointment because to her, the meal is not so tasty at all. 

Something you should have done many, many years ago is simply talk to her, so do it now. Let her know you are genuine and sincere in your compliments and want her to stop rejecting them because it makes you feel rejected when she does that. Knowing you still like the things she dislikes about herself will help a lot, but she has to understand that a simple "thank you" is in order. If talking does not work, the two of you will likely need to learn communication skills, in which marriage counseling may be required.


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## the gifted (Aug 31, 2011)

If after twenty years of marriage do not resolve to yourself that you have a problem from the first day you have a wonderful wife and wonderful life

There are men who can not afford a year distance


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

I have to agree with Prodigal. Although I don't think your wife's reaction to your compliment is well-mannered, I think it's too late for you to wonder.
You've always knows she's like this and nevertheless you decided to marry her. You pur up with it so I think this question should've popped up in your head BEFORE taking such a huge step with her.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

discouraged1 said:


> Background: We have been married 20+ years with 2 boys. Here is the problem.
> Wife can never ever except anything I say about her. When I try to compliment her she just gives me the evil look and says "yeah right". She has been like this since day one and it is never any different regardless of what I say.
> I am just so sick of it.
> What is her problem?
> ...


You can't change her...

... but you can change you, and how you react to her verbal jabs.

When she says things like "I hope you have not been eating any one else's tasty cakes lately" ... if you respond in a positive, confident, humorous manner like "Oh baby, nobody's cakes are as sweet as yours!" and wink and walk away ... and you just keep doing this - lather, rinse, repeat- and keep passing the fitness tests and jabs she throws your way, you may see a different kind of response from her. And if not, you'll still feel better about how YOU are handling things. 

Best wishes.


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

discouraged1 said:


> Any thoughts on what I can do to change this or is she going to be like this forever?


You're wife is playing games with you... dirty games... emotional warfare. I'd be tempted to call it abusive (in a clinical sense). 

I sure as heck wouldn't be anything like "positive" or "upbeat" about this. I'd be treating it as a declaration of war from the woman who claims to love me. I'd be responding accordingly. "Accordingly", in my case, would not be "a stern discussion". There would be boundaries set -- and defended -- one of which included her getting into therapy. Transgressions on those boundaries would mean divorce.

Out of curiosity, why do you tolerate this?


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## drifting apart (Apr 17, 2012)

just curious, does she accept compliments from other men with a very sweet "Thank You" and a smile? cuz that is what my wife does as she doesnt accept mine either and thinks i am up to something when i do compliment her also.




discouraged1 said:


> Background: We have been married 20+ years with 2 boys. Here is the problem.
> Wife can never ever except anything I say about her. When I try to compliment her she just gives me the evil look and says "yeah right". She has been like this since day one and it is never any different regardless of what I say.
> I am just so sick of it.
> What is her problem?
> ...


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

drifting apart said:


> just curious, does she accept compliments from other men with a very sweet "Thank You" and a smile? cuz that is what my wife does as she doesnt accept mine either and thinks i am up to something when i do compliment her also.


Maybe you've given her a reason to think like that? 
Did you use to compliment her to achiev something, in the past?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

My wife was the same way and I think enchanted hit the nail on the head.


after years of me complementing her and her then saying your just saying that or pointing out some flaw of hers right after a compliment I finally got mad and one day just said why can't you believe me when I compliment you. and just say thankyou.and then compliment me back. thats how its supost to work. If I say you have sexy t1ts I don't want you to say yea but I wish my stomach was flatter. I want to hear thanks now come over hear and check them out!!!!! with that wicked grin thats so sexy on you. It took some reinforcing but she did come around and has stopped doing it.


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## DanglingDaisy (Mar 26, 2012)

I think River1977 gave a good analogy of what a woman's thought processes are...wondering if your wife grew up in an abusive home?

I used to be told throughout my childhood that I was ugly,dumb etc by family. I took that negative evaluation and when people complimented me-I automatically assumed they "wanted" something and weren't being genuine! My self esteem was very low no matter how much I tried to hide it...I've spent years tackling a lot of my negative self defeating(although I didn't see it that way before) mental mantras...it's taken years,and learning the etiquette of taking compliments(which was so uncomfortable for so long!)

It's true-women are SO damn picky about themselves-media,family,friends,coworkers make comments all the time. As River1977 said,if she feels differently when someone comments,she'll automatically assume the negative-which she perceives to be the true viewpoint

She could really benefit from getting involved with things that directly deal with her negative self viewpoints.

Unless you've made heartless comments to her in the past(like pretending to like a haircut/dye job when you felt differently),she may view your positive comments the way I mentioned above. 

Regardless this is one of her issues-something that only she herself can tackle. In the meantime,refrain from giving her compliments OR compliment her all the time giving her guidance on how to reciprocate the feedback...


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