# Sex problems or grounds for divorce?



## sorrysus (Dec 15, 2011)

Hello,

Hubby and I married 5 years ago, I'm 37 and he is 38. He's a very attractive man with a high social status and I pressured him into marrying me after 3 years of dating. He always knew I wanted to have kids sooner than later and I knew he wasn't keen on having kids. We both work and make good money.

I've waited for him to be convinced to have kids, we moved to a bigger apartment in in order to be more comfortable when we had kids. I even prolonged taking birth control for 3 months because we were moving.

Once I was off birth control, we used condoms for 3 months because he didn't want me to have a multiple pregnancy (he said there was a possibility of me releasing multiple ovum after stopping birth control). We didn't like the feeling of condoms, so we would start having vaginal sex and once I had my orgasms I let him finish anally (he loves it) to prevent pregnancy for the first 3 months.

When the 3 months were up, I can tell he started avoiding me during my fertile days. And if we had sex he would fake his orgasm and withhold his ejaculation or want to ejaculate outside of my vagina. He even pretended to slip and fall in the shower when having an orgasm to ejaculate outside. I have the feeling he faked a testicular torsion to justify his sometimes missing ejaculation. When I was near my period (not fertile) he had normal ejaculations.

I've talked to him and he says he does want kids and that's what we agreed on. But his erratic ejaculations and the way talks about kids make me think he fooling me. My brother has a couple of babies that I just adore and I can see my husband shows affection for them but repulsion for the sacrifices being a father implies.

He's very happy living as we are, but he just thinks about himself and keeps buying cars and motorcycles and he wants to keep travelling with me around the world.

I'm extremely frustrated and feel he's fooled me for a year about getting pregnant. I just don't see a real change in him. I'm getting obsessed with having children and I have started to think there is something wrong with me and I'm infertile. Doc has sent some blood to test my hormone levels and I'm going crazy over the results, husband didn't volunteer to take me to get tested or even pay for them. He said they are just hormones and if they are out of the norm, the can be easily fixed.

I feel he's stalling having children as much as he can. I love him but I can't take his lies no more. I'm 37 and want to have a two babies, I'm running out of time and I've been thinking hard about divorce.

He always made me feel less that him and that I will never be able to reach his social status. I keep getting nervous and don't know how to act around his acquaintances. I hate feeling that I'm not good enough. I've always struggled with my weight and he keeps reminding me I'm fat and controlling my eating.

I'm on a diet now and lost a lot of weight and look better than ever. I'm considering leaving my husband for another man that has shown interest in me and tells me I'm beautiful and doesn't me make feel socially inadequate beacuse he is of a lower social status than my husband. This man makes me feel sexy, loved and excited.

I just don't think this other man is the one I want to have kids with, but I like him and he is the way out of my unhappy marriage. Maybe he will get me pregnant. Or maybe I will give up having kids.

I'm so frustrated and confused


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

sorrysus said:


> H
> I'm on a diet now and lost a lot of weight and look better than ever. I'm considering leaving my husband for another man that has shown interest in me and tells me I'm beautiful and doesn't me make feel socially inadequate beacuse he is of a lower social status than my husband. This man makes me feel sexy, loved and excited.
> 
> I just don't think this other man is the one I want to have kids with, but I like him and he is the way out of my unhappy marriage. Maybe he will get me pregnant. Or maybe I will give up having kids.
> ...


I'm sorry you are so confused and upset over this, but I wanted to gently and nicely say... I did not read anything about how you FEEL about your husband. Do you love him? Or his social status and having kids? He is probably fully aware of what is being projected upon him. Paternity and nothing else?

This other man makes you feel sexy and loved.
That should be your husband. Please do NOT go have an affair. End your marriage. It is very very damaging.


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## sorrysus (Dec 15, 2011)

I loved and admired my husband when we dated. I always thought I married such a fine man. Marriage hasn't been easy because he is selfish. I expected so much more romance and having children. He doesn't take me to the movies (which I love), he doesn't like my family. My dad especially thinks my husband is a pompous prick and they hate each other.

For me getting married and having children is a goal in my life and my husband is not giving me children.

I have told him he is not meeting my needs and he told me I don't meet his needs entirely, but he's with me because he loves me.

I don't think I love my husband anymore and feel hurt and lied to because he avoids getting me pregnant.

I'm confused because of the new guy and he's encouraging me to leave my husband. I feel secure having him and gives me the strength to actually divorce my husband quickly. He says I should throw him out and stop talking to him, let the lawyers handle it.

I feel I'm being cheated out of having children and my husband has somehow earned that I kick him out. I just can remember the negative things in our marriage and feel so resentful.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

You don't sound so confused anymore... seems like you know what to do. It also sounds like you are already having an affair, (meaning having sex with the new guy) and you do realise that might play a big legal aspect in your pending divorce.

If you want to leave, then do so. (why does your husband get tossed out?)


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## sorrysus (Dec 15, 2011)

My husband has been a little suspicious lately and I know he checks my cell phone. He caught me once flirting with a guy from school on FB, but I promised I would cancel my FB account and did.

The new guy just came into my life at the right moment, I've been planning my exit from this marriage for months. My husband has no idea and would be very hard for him to know. I haven't had sex yet with the new guy, but plan on doing so once I file for divorce. I just want to be free.

Husband gets tossed out because the apartment is in my name and I will keep paying mortgage once he is out. He can take whatever he wants and he can go live with his parents for a while, he will not be homeless.

I married an immature man that has fooled me by not cumming inside me because I want to get pregnant. What kind of man would do that?


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## TallJeff (Nov 1, 2011)

sorrysus said:


> He always knew I wanted to have kids sooner than later and I knew he wasn't keen on having kids.



This seems to be the key: you both signed up for this marriage and it is evident that one of you would be unhappy or one of you would have to change your mind (and we know most people don't do that lightly).

It's perfectly normal, I think, for him to love your nephews but not want children himself.

It sounds like you just need to move on. You may also not want to jump into this next relationship since that man doesn't seem to be everything you want either. Play the field, meet people, find the right guy who also wants family.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why do you need another man in order to leave your husband? You said that you have a good job and enough money. 

This other guy is most likely what is called a ‘transitional relationship”. That means that his only purpose in your life is really to help you leave your husband. Once you have left your husband and all of the pressure for your needs are put on this new guy, that relationship will likely fail.

You want children, but do you want them with a man who will stay with you and help you raise them? It sounds like your husband is not the guy to do that. And with the new guy it’s highly unlikely that your relationship with him will last long. There has to be another option.

On the topic of the apartment, depending on where you live, there is a good chance that at least a portion of the equity is community property. Thus you would have to buy out your husband’s part of the equity. Also, in most places you cannot kick your spouse out of the marital residence. Both of you have the right to live there until a court orders one of you out. You need to see an attorney about your rights.


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## sorrysus (Dec 15, 2011)

I kicked my husband out last night. 

In the morning he told me he took $2 from my purse because he was short on change to buy groceries. When he came home after work I just went crazy. I have accumulated so much resentment, I accused him of robbing money from my purse, I don't want him touching me anymore, I hate his family. This marriage has been a lie. 

What I resent the most is that he would trick me to avoid ejaculating inside of me and that he refused to pay for my fertilty tests. I am done with this man forever. I hope he's hurting as much as he's hurt me because he made me lose all this time.

I agreed I will pay him his part of the equity and he chose what household goods he wanted to take. He told me we should talk about it tonight, but I don't want to come home and see him again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

sorrysus said:


> Hello,
> I'm 37


I think this is very important to point out as it relates to you wanting children. You are not being unreasonable. You do need to move on if your H does not want to have children. I met and married my H in 41 days AND that was part of the reason why. My clock would not turn off, I wanted at least one more child before I turned 35... God has a sense of humor and gave me twins. I can't say my marriage has been glorious, it hasn't, but I have my twins who I absolutely adore. If my H and I do not work out, that is okay, I did reach one of my biggest goals in MY life. Not to say that I don't love my H, I just accomplished something I had been consumed with for years, and he was a part of that, so of course I love him and I do thank God that my H is a good and loving father... I was taking a big risk in what I did.... It turned out pretty good at the end of the day  Good luck to you!


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## sorrysus (Dec 15, 2011)

Although this is a little harsh considering I'm going thru this now. I wonder if he is taking advantage of the situation. I have confided in him the trouble in my marriage. Its just that he seems so understanding and the complete opposite of my stbx. I feel no remorse for kicking my husband out, although he was a good man, everything in that marriage was terrible. He is so selfish.

My stbx is a handsome, educated man. He was always good in bed. But I have no feelings for him now. He cheated me out of having children and made me lose 8 years of my life. My clock is ticking I'm 37.

I hope my stbx is done taking his stuff out by the time I get home.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Well, well, well. At 4:53 PM yesterday, you were all "frustrated and confused." Here it is only 11:02 PM today, and you don't seem confused at all. If I were a pessimist, I would bet that you haven't been confused about your plans one little bit. So why fake it?

In reading your posts, it actually sounds like you are making the right move. You want kids, your stbxh does not. Ending the marriage so that you can find someone who will have kids by you is probably best for all parties. 

I do have one suggestion, if it comes up. Faced with losing you, your husband may have a sudden change of heart, and decide he does want kids right away after all. If he says this, well, you have built up a lot of resentment, to the point that he probably isn't "the one" any more. See this thing through for both of you sakes.

Good luck!


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## sorrysus (Dec 15, 2011)

The confusing part now is the guilt that I'm feeling for kicking him out for 2 bucks and making a huge drama over it. I hope I talk with him tonight. He cried all night.

I'm still unsure if this is what I should have done in the first place, but I just saw him last night and I got so mad.

He is my husband after all and he did say he does want kids right away. But I just can't believe him after the tricks he pulled on me to avoid me getting pregnant.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

sorrysus said:


> The confusing part now is the guilt that I'm feeling for kicking him out for 2 bucks and making a huge drama over it. I hope I talk with him tonight. He cried all night.
> 
> I'm still unsure if this is what I should have done in the first place, but I just saw him last night and I got so mad.
> 
> He is my husband after all and he did say he does want kids right away. But I just can't believe him after the tricks he pulled on me to avoid me getting pregnant.


Come clean on your suspiscions that he is actively avoiding pregnancy. Attribte your irrationality over the $2 to this issue.

If you are inclined to give him another chance. Lay down an ultimatum. You get pregant by Valentine's Day or you're gone. You've communicated what you want. He has seemingly ignored it. If he honestly wants to keep you, he'll get busy. If he doesn't want this, time to part ways.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

If I was good at guessing.... I would venture that he has known for awhile that you have been making an exit plan. He's been checking your phone, he's suspicious, and MOST men in that situation would do what? Make darn sure she doesn't get pregnant. 

He's probably well aware of your resentments. His money sitation isn't going to help his self esteem either. (who would want to have kids when he's broke?)

Hope you are able to talk this out with him. Already seeing someone else is probably the nail in the coffin, though.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

A. Yes, you have a right to reproduce so that is grounds for divorce.

However. . .

B. Get over yourself and your anger at your husband. Fine, you had a change of heart, or you couldn't change his or whatever.

But that's not his fault.

I don't think he should have moved out. 

You should have scadaddled your butt out of there.


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## sorrysus (Dec 15, 2011)

Deejov,

You make some interesting points. He's not broke, he is having a tough time in his business, and he is selfish. He always has met his financial obligations concerning his home. He is just not willing to make the sacfrifice of having kids and forsake buying something for himself instead of kids. He is stylish and would hate being the typical dad.

We've both have been affectionate until yesterday. He must have been feeling something is wrong because he is very concerned every time my period is late if only by a few hours.

The question is should I follow through or talk with one more time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sorrysus (Dec 15, 2011)

Scannerguard said:


> A. Yes, you have a right to reproduce so that is grounds for divorce.
> 
> However. . .
> 
> ...


It is all his fault because he tricked me, he says he wants kids, but acts like he doesn't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sorrysus (Dec 15, 2011)

I got home and it was a great shock to see that he's really gone. When I parked and didn't see his car and his motorcycle my heart sank. I hurried upstairs to see if he was still here, but no, he took all his clothes. The minute I saw the empty closet space where his clothes were I felt nauseous. I'm all alone now, with no kids and a promise of a new relationship. I can't stop crying, this is so hard.

I feel I love him and miss him I wish he came back. I was too harsh on him last night and even humilliated him. I told him things I regret now, that's why he left. He promised we'd talk tonight, but I can't find him anywhere. He just left a note on the counter that says we should talk when we're calm.

I'm devastated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I'm so sorry he has gone.. you do sound upset about it. And sorry that it went so far. I hope you feel better soon, and do decide to talk with your husband.

I just do see that you mentioned the FB thing (flirting) and yes you closed your account, but since then he has been suspicious. 

I know you feel he is selfish, and he probably is. I just wanted to point out that the not wanting a baby thing could be related to the FB flirting and he is wondering if you are having an affair.

For example, if he had come here looking for advice when the FB thing was going on, he would have been well advised to NOT have children at this point. And I would have agreed. 

Timeline, age, those are all factors. But if there are problems in the marriage, having children is a BAD idea. Don't take that as selfish. Please consider listening to what he has to say. And be prepared to be honest with him about everything that has been going on. That would be a good step.

Take care of yourself,


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## sorrysus (Dec 15, 2011)

I wanted him to leave and I want a divorce, its just that I never thought it would feel so bad when he left. I can't stop crying. I tried calling him but he's not answering. 

What if I'm infertile and can't have kids and now?. 

My family and my new guy are 100% with me on this, they tell me its the right decision and its better that he left. 

I feel so much resentment for the fact that he said he wanted kids but his actions did otherwise. I stopped the FB flirting a long time ago. When he confronted me, I cried and begged for him not to leave me.

I don't know if I should talk to him now or see him ever again. I just want him out of my life. I waited for this moment for months. I hate everything about him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sorrysus (Dec 15, 2011)

He came by today. I can tell he's devastated. We cried and held each other. I told him we should split our household items and be done with. He said he didn't want a divorce, but I sure do. I will miss him, but I'm filing.

He was getting emotional and humiliating himself, he even begged on his knees. I don't want to lose respect for him, I told him he should leave now.

I have a date with my new love tonight. I'm so excited.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## straightforward (Dec 11, 2011)

sorrysus said:


> He came by today. I can tell he's devastated. We cried and held each other. I told him we should split our household items and be done with. He said he didn't want a divorce, but I sure do. I will miss him, but I'm filing.
> 
> He was getting emotional and humiliating himself, he even begged on his knees. I don't want to lose respect for him, I told him he should leave now.
> 
> ...


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## straightforward (Dec 11, 2011)

i'm reading your post and its sad that you've been through this but dont you think now that he knows how serious you are that he might actually want to have kids with you. He's your husband nonetheless and i honestly think its worth giving it a try rather than jumping into something that may turn out to be even more of a disaster. Marriage is something that takes alot of work and i believe the vows are in good times and bad. The least you can do now is give him the chance to make things right. at least thats my opinion. you seem to be taken up in what the others want you to do rather than make up your mind on what you want, you said you wanted his child now it seems like you'll just settle with whatever you can get before its too late. a child is a serious responsibility not something to be taken lightly.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

You knew he did not want children when you got married, then you went psycho on him because you were trying to get pregnant anyway. 

You say he is selfish because he doesn't want children. The flip side is that you are selfish for wanting children in a marriage that isn't agreeing.

You find someone else... which is cheating on your H, even if it isn't physical yet.... get mad at your H, kick him out, get all remorseful, and then berate him for being weak. 

Hurry up and file and let the guy go. Then get some counseling to figure out YOUR issues. The next guy, whether its the guy you are cheating with or someone newer.... is in for a **** storm!


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## sorrysus (Dec 15, 2011)

Feeling the biological urge of having children is above and beyond any kind of selfishness. If there is anything unselfish in life is devoting yourself to having babies and a family. My father is one of the most unselfish, generous and caring people around. 

Not wanting or being afraid of having children is abnormal for a 38 year old man. Everybody has kids, why shouldn't I?. My stbx and I had our issues, mainly his problem of not accepting my father as the wonderful human being he is. I can't change that, my father always will come before any other man in my life.

I just can't get over how my stbx straight up lied to me about when I asked him if he did not want children, only to find out he was not behaving as a real man in bed. Avoiding ejaculating inside of me, faking orgasms, pulling out and faking a testicular torsion was ridiculous. 

You should have seen his stupid face yesterday as he begged on his knees, I felt relieved seeing him suffer as much a he's made me suffer giving him 8 years of my life for nothing.

It felt so good having this plan work out the way it is. I have planned this for 6 months, removing myself emotionally from the marriage.

My new love just came at the right moment, we knew each other since high school. My stbx and I even went to his wedding a couple of years ago. He divorced his wife a year ago and totally understands what I'm going through, he's been supportive beyond all my expectations. We haven't talked about kids, but I wouldn't mind being a single parent if he was to give me one.

My stbx has superior genes, new love is not as good looking or tall. But I just couldn't handle the thought of dealing with stbx fot the next 18 years if we had children.

Last night my new love and I were intimate, when he kissed me I had this incredible feeling of being alive again. 

Although he's not a better lover or as well endowded as my stbx, the emotional connection I have with him is enough to make me feel complete.

It felt so good having sex on the bed I shared with my stbx.I let my new love take me in ways I would never have let my stbx. 

I just loved being filled with my new man's warm thick semen. My stbx made me feel rejected when he didn't cum inside me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I can see how this is going to end up. You get a child from your new love and keep your 'old' husband. It may sound good to you, the best of both worlds, but I wonder is it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sorrysus said:


> Although this is a little harsh considering I'm going thru this now. I wonder if he is taking advantage of the situation. I have confided in him the trouble in my marriage. Its just that he seems so understanding and the complete opposite of my stbx. I feel no remorse for kicking my husband out, although he was a good man, everything in that marriage was terrible. He is so selfish.
> 
> My stbx is a handsome, educated man. He was always good in bed. But I have no feelings for him now. He cheated me out of having children and made me lose 8 years of my life. My clock is ticking I'm 37.
> 
> ...


Of course you affair affair partner seems wonderful. He has no responsibilities to you, he is hoping to get sex. He's probably a cad.... don't expect mucy from him.

Your husband's antics have not been very nice as well. 

Sounds like your mind is made up.


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## sorrysus (Dec 15, 2011)

I just want to move on. Stbx would never have me with the child of another man.. 

I am unsure of my infertility an frankly scared to face it. This is why I have so much resentment for my stbx, am I really infertile or did I not get pregnant because he avoided impregnating me?

He always was clear he wanted only 1 child and he would not be able to adopt. He suggested that if we had exhausted all options for a biological child, we should go on living childless and happy, just as we had living for the past 4 yrs. That was the day I knew for sure I would leave him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

basically you're just using him for a live sperm donor, at this stage thats all you care about,don't matter whos sperm it is as long as you get pregnant. good luck,i see a world of hurt coming your way.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You knew he didn't want kids.

I don't get this. It's like you had this life planned out in your head of what you wanted and just stuck this man in it when clearly he wasn't on board. 

It's his fault for not having the balls to say no. But I really wonder, do you honestly want children with a man who doesn't? You'll be doing it alone.


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## sorrysus (Dec 15, 2011)

If I end up being a single parent I would be OK. I dedicated myself to my stbx and while I did accomplish my goal of getting married, he cheated me out of having children. I'm 37 and don't have much time left.

I stayed with my stbx because he was all I ever wanted in a man. But when it came to children it was where it all had to end. I couldn't keep fooling myself, waiting for him to be convinced to be a father would take a lot more time which I clearly do not have.

You are right he should have had the balls to tell me to my face that I was not going to be the mother of his children, instead of tricking me.

Why did my stbx did not want children is something I do not understand. Maybe he will change his mind with the right woman, this is why I feel so rejected.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

My advice to you would be divorce your husband. If he doesnt want a child its no use forcing one on him. He will only resent you later for it. I would not usually say divorce but really have to in this case. I dont believe in having a child out of wedlock so I would say marry again first. I can see you havent much time and for some reason you think you are infertile. You have already got this far dont go back.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sorrysus said:


> The confusing part now is the guilt that I'm feeling for kicking him out for 2 bucks and making a huge drama over it. I hope I talk with him tonight. He cried all night.
> 
> I'm still unsure if this is what I should have done in the first place, but I just saw him last night and I got so mad.
> 
> He is my husband after all and he did say he does want kids right away. But I just can't believe him after the tricks he pulled on me to avoid me getting pregnant.


Tell your husband that it was not the $2 but the issues you have about feeling like he’s telling you he wants a kid but his action in bed show differently. Have you talked to him about the 'pulling out'? 

On some level you husband knows that you are cheating on him. And you wonder why your husband has concerns about getting you pregnant? I am sure that on some level your husband knows that you are already shopping around for his replacement.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Since you have not dicussed having children with the man you are cheating with.. is he aware that your problem with your husband is about you not getting pregnant.

Your affair partner does not know your plan to get pregnant by him does he? Do you plan to then sue him for child support once you are knocked up?

Does your wonderful father who is so much in support of you know your plans?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

sorrysus said:


> My husband has been a little suspicious lately and I know he checks my cell phone. He caught me once flirting with a guy from school on FB, but I promised I would cancel my FB account and did.


Ah, so the new guy is someone from high school... assuming it's the same one you got caught on FB with?

So how did you meet the "new guy".

I can't help saying this, but ugh. My dog is more loyal.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

sorrysus said:


> I married an immature man that has fooled me by not cumming inside me because I want to get pregnant. What kind of man would do that?


I have to ask why is the measure of his worth his willingness to have children? Why is he less of a man because he does not want to get you (or any woman perhaps) pregnant?

All I see here is a compatibility issue. You want kids (and that's fine) and he does not (and that's also fine). The real issue is that you ignored his strong inclination to not have kids and you assumed he would swing around to your point of view. And now that he has not changed his views, you are angry with him because your views are "right" and his are "wrong".


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## sorrysus (Dec 15, 2011)

Oh no, this is getting out of hand. Let me explain:

1. My stbx and I had a comlpletely normal sex life with normal orgasms and ejaculations UNTIL we agreed that I was to stop taking birth control (15 months ago). Once I stopped birth control he started avoiding me on my fertile days and started complaining of pain in his right testicle. He supposedly went to the Dr. who diagnosed a partial testicular torsion. Once this torsion "healed", my husband started having dry orgasms with no ejaculation. He blamed his torsion for the inexistent semen. When nearing my period or immediately after my period (low chance of ovulation) normal ejaculations resumed. Sometimes he just pulled out without any reason and ejaculated on my abdomen or breasts. The color, volume and consistency of his semen was normal.

2. OM knows about this and knows I want to be a mother. He says a real man makes love to his wife and gives her all the semen she needs to get pregnant. I don't plan to sue for child support.

3. My father supports me getting divorced or remarried or being a single parent.

4. OM is not the same guy from FB. We go way back and he is recently divorced. He understands me and completes me. He is helping me get over my divorce faster and easier.

5. My stbx started being selfish, unsupporting and weak. I can tell he started preparing himself financially for the time we split up. I started preparing myself emotionally six months before leaving. I was open to the advances of other men. Why wouldn't I take advantage of being supported by another man thru my divorce if my stbx lied to me too?.

6. I'm 37 and want kids EVEN if it is on my own. I originally wanted to wait for 2 years after we got married, but ended waiting for 4.5 years. That is proof of how much I loved him, I waited for him way more than I planned.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I wouldnt be so nasty. Some women one reads in the bible will do anything to have children.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Accept, I agree with you, it's a highly emotional need for women.

However, there are a lot of users on here betrayed.

If the marriage is not working, move on. Cheating or planning to do so isn't well accepted. 

To post on here about how wonderful the sex was with the new guy... turned my stomach. Who am I to judge? I'm not. Not my life. Not what I would do, but it's a lesson in empathy. For the husband. 

Sorrysus, 

I'm not sure what kind of help you are looking for here.
Attention? Just want to talk?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

dgtal said:


> (I tried to fake an orgasm the other day with pasteurized milk but mission couldn't be accomplished) :sleeping:


Did the cream rise to the top? :rofl:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sorrysus said:


> Oh no, this is getting out of hand. Let me explain:
> 
> 1. My stbx and I had a comlpletely normal sex life with normal orgasms and ejaculations UNTIL we agreed that I was to stop taking birth control (15 months ago). Once I stopped birth control he started avoiding me on my fertile days and started complaining of pain in his right testicle. He supposedly went to the Dr. who diagnosed a partial testicular torsion. Once this torsion "healed", my husband started having dry orgasms with no ejaculation. He blamed his torsion for the inexistent semen. When nearing my period or immediately after my period (low chance of ovulation) normal ejaculations resumed. Sometimes he just pulled out without any reason and ejaculated on my abdomen or breasts. The color, volume and consistency of his semen was normal.
> 
> 2. OM knows about this and knows I want to be a mother. He says a real man makes love to his wife and gives her all the semen she needs to get pregnant. I don't plan to sue for child support.


Come on now... (pun intended)

I don't know about the other posters, but I'm getting a bit sick and tired of hearing about your need for all the semen you can get. And the consistency of semem and on and on.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sorrysus,

Let's cut to the chase.

You have been cheating on your husband for a long time... and more than once. Your husband does not trust you for very good reasons. If he was preparing for breaking up it's because you gave him lots of reasons to not trust you. I would not be surprised to find out that he has had you investigated and has a nice fat file on you, your boyfriend and others you have chased.

While he might have warmed up to the idea of having a child at one point, he clearly does not trust you and does not want children with someone he cannot trust. He's obviously a smart man... good for him.

You have a boyfriend now who is more than willing to cheat and lie. He will do the same thing to you. But when he does, just remember that you brought this on yourself and you deserve this.

The only thing that matters to you is that you want a child. You might get a child with the low moral character who is your boyfriend. What a choice for a father for your child.

You are wrong in trying to turn your husband into a villan here. You are the villan. You are the one who has cheated and lied to him over and over.

Are you aware that pulling out does not prevent pregnancy? Penetration is not even required... I have a couple of nephews that are proof of that ... much to the surprise of my two sisters.. 

The fact that you did not get pregnant over a many month period could very well mean that you cannot get pregnant.


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## sorrysus (Dec 15, 2011)

I'm sorry, if I disgusted some of you. I feel rejected by my stbx not giving me kids. The ejaculation part was really difficult for me because I always have thought I didn't excite him enough to have an orgasm and I was turning him off when we had sex and I gave it my all to excite him.

What I come here for is help, maybe I was carried away by my feelings and wrote too much. After all it is terrible to end a marriage even if you prepared for it. I want people that have experienced something alike to share what they thought about my problems.

I find hard to believe that a grown man is able to fake an orgasm instead of telling me straight up he does not want children. I'm still confused if he lied to me or if I'm infertile. I have seen my obgyn and he tells me everything is OK and I should be patient. 

I was a pack and a half a day smoker for 17 years (quit now since trying for pregnancy) and took birth control pills for 10 years, coupled to the fact I'm pushing 40, pulling out is another reason for not being able to conceive.

I lost precious time that I could have used to treat infertility if that was the case, instead of being left wondering if it was from him avoiding impregnating me.

Its not right to cheat, but I don't feel I've betrayed my stbx if he lied to me first.



_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sorrysus said:


> I'm sorry, if I disgusted some of you. I feel rejected by my stbx not giving me kids. The ejaculation part was really difficult for me because I always have thought I didn't excite him enough to have an orgasm and I was turning him off when we had sex and I gave it my all to excite him.
> 
> What I come here for is help, maybe I was carried away by my feelings and wrote too much. After all it is terrible to end a marriage even if you prepared for it. I want people that have experienced something alike to share what they thought about my problems.
> 
> ...


You were out looking for another man. You were telling things about your husband, personal things, to your father and you boyfreind. Who knows how many other poeple. How do you expect your husband to trust you enough to have a child with you.

He very well might have hurt himself. But you took that as a lie and a personal attack.

What do you expect from a man. It sounds like he became nothing but a sperm machine to you.

And then you would give him a hard time about not enough sperm for you. Get real!


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## sorrysus (Dec 15, 2011)

It seems that I'm blaming my husband for everything, but to me he is not being true either. We had a couple of separations over the years where we argued about having children. 

The first time he was gone for a week and came back and told me he did want children. 

The second time my father told my stbx that he was not giving me the children that I wanted. My stbx was deeply offended by this and told my father that he should mind his own business and it was a matter only between husband and wife. He then got angry at me for using my father to tell him I wanted children soon. Stbx left for a couple of weeks and returned saying we needed a bigger place to live to have our children. Getting a new place took almost a year before we got settled in.

I have been patient because I loved him. But ever since my nephew was born I felt this incredible urge to be a mother. Then in June my neice was born and I felt so happy but so empty because I had waited for so long. I just can't keep my hands off them, even if I can't have children they make my life worth living.

In hindsight my stbx had been stalling my motherhood as much as he could. He used me and I used him.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Awwww. . .geez. . .let's stop with the melodrama, ok?

You wanted kids. No one disputes your need to reproduce. You wouldn't be the first woman to marry a man who thinks they could change a man's mind about kids. . .especially men in their 20's and 30's, where the idea is as foreign as Mandarin Chinese.

I see you are using sex as a weapon. Your next move will be to throw it in your husband's face that you screwed this OM. Blah, blah, blah. Seen it before.

Deejo is right. . .what do you want? Moral Absolution? Advice on getting pregnant? What to do with the husband you dumped?

You are claiming that having babies is selfless. 

I call BS on that one. 

Any woman can spread her legs and have babies. We have a whole child welfare system that drives that point home to the taxpayor everyday. And any man can insert Tab A into slot B.

Don't lecture me that conceiving a baby is some selfless act.

If you think single parenting is a walk in the park, you are in for a rude awakening. You think Daddy is going to help? YOu are in for a rude awakening. In my best estimate, you will end up with a son, with behavior problems, and one who doesn't know how to act like a man, because this other man won't be around. He'll buzz off soon enough and you'll sit there in your late 50's scratching your head, trying to figure out where you went wrong.

If it's a daughter, she'll end up promiscuous, using sex as some bargaining commodity, because she would have learned from Mom, no?

I think you and your husband deserved each other personally.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I like what Chris Rock said about single parenting:

_Can ya single parent? Yes. I suppose you can drive a car with your feet too. . .but I wouldn't recommend it._


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

The OP's husband is one lucky guy.
He managed to get the hell away from her even against his own desires.
Very lucky guy indeed/

I do pity any children you manage to have though.

It would be great irony if you were unable to conceive.
I'd be a believer in karma for sure if that were the case.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Open4it (Sep 1, 2011)

sorrysus said:


> I *pressured* him into marrying me after 3 years of dating. He always knew I wanted to have kids sooner than later and I knew he wasn't keen on having kids.


How could this have possibly failed?


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## sorrysus (Dec 15, 2011)

Guess I'm looking for justification because I feel extremely angry with my stbx for tricking me out of having children. And yes, I don't know what to do with my stbx, first he begged me and kept writing e-mails that said he loved me and wanted to have kids with me. Yesterday he e-mailed he knows about the OM and we should get divorced as quickly as possible before I get pregnant and possibly complicate the divorce process.

I feel like a failure for marring my stbx and lost 5 years to that man. I made a mistake and thought I would change him.

I do not and will not rely on welfare if I was to be a single parent, I make good money.

Guess the majority of posters here are men and have not felt the urge to have children. My biological clock is ticking. After making the mistake of investing emotionally in a selfish man, I have to make up for the lost time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## toadie (Dec 9, 2011)

sorrysus said:


> I do not and will not rely on welfare if I was to be a single parent, I make good money.
> 
> Guess the majority of posters here are men and have not felt the urge to have children. My biological clock is ticking. After making the mistake of investing emotionally in a selfish man, I have to make up for the lost time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You knew up front he "wasn't keen" on children, so he did not "trick" you. Given your actions, you really should't be having children, they will not have happy childhoods. Calling him selfish makes it sound like you want a kid with him so you can divorce him and get a monthly payment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

sorrysus said:


> Guess I'm looking for justification because I feel extremely angry with my stbx for tricking me out of having children. And yes, I don't know what to do with my stbx, first he begged me and kept writing e-mails that said he loved me and wanted to have kids with me. Yesterday he e-mailed he knows about the OM and we should get divorced as quickly as possible before I get pregnant and possibly complicate the divorce process.
> 
> I feel like a failure for marring my stbx and lost 5 years to that man. I made a mistake and thought I would change him.
> 
> ...


Justification for what? Well, I think you have your answer though. Your STBX knows about the other man and is worried you might get prego's. I'm taken aback with your bashing of your STBX though given that he wasn't keen on children to begin with and you thought you could change him. He was upfront with you. You want children, you invested more time because you thought he'd come around, he hasn't, it is time to move on. It was your choice to continue to stay for 5 years, sounds like your STBX was along for the ride thinking maybe you'd change your mind about kids (?) who knows at this point, but it seems pointless to try and figure out who's fault all of this is. Just my opinion though. Good luck to you!


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Look he wants a divorce so do you. You have money just do it. You cant bring back your lost years and even though I am a male I have already posted that I understand you very well and one shouldnt be so nasty to you. I dont believe in adultery, but since you have done it you have to divorce. 
Make a quick end of it, never mind what the posters here say or call you, just carry on with your life.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

You smoked a pack and a half a day and took birth control pills?
And you are 40?


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## sorrysus (Dec 15, 2011)

I'm 37, smoked pack and a half for almost 17 years. Took birth control for 10. I was well aware of the risks of smoking and hormonal contraceptives.

Why do you ask?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Actually, I do appreciate you coming here and sharing your story despite my harsh words to you. . .you illustrate that having babies is a normal, uncontrollable female drive in many, if not most, women.

I have often said that the "Sex Forum" often neglects to bring into the fold of the discussion of what the biological purpose of sex is. . .to have babies.

A lot, if not maybe most, of the conversations around here center around the recreational part of sex, mechanics, and whatnot.

MOre and more, I can see some of the roundabout wisdom of the Catholic Church as I get older.

A Priest may have lectured the both of you:

"Sorryus. . .you should be having sex regularly. Don't deny your husband or use sex as a weapon. Sorryus' husband, it's a sin to pull out and spill the seed and it is the purpose of marriage and sex to have babies.

Your marriage needs to be productive, if it is God's Will." (catholic moralism in a nutshell)

Of course, a lot of people who are anti-Catholic think it's just a bunch of repressed homosexual men who couldn't possibly understand natural order. . .but you illustrate what an unnatural state your marriage was in.

I don't agree with your methods of separation and divorce, esp. having children out of wedlock and committing adultery, but your case is important for the forum to see nonetheless.


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## sorrysus (Dec 15, 2011)

Scannerguard,

I appreciate your understanding. The biological urge of having children is bigger that I thought. I don't know if it has to do with the way some of us are raised as women and value our worth as such in being a wife and being a mother.

The way I see the problem with my stbx, it is a sex problem, because we didn't have a normal sex life because he avoided having kids. Believe me, sex with my stbx was great, while I could distance myself emotionally from him, I could not distance myself physically from him. Maybe that hurt him more, because I was affectionate one minute and divorcing him the next.

I don't plan on having children out of wedlock and it is too soon to know with the OM, I just like the freedom. But I know I'm not getting any younger and if it were not to work out with the OM my chances of having children in wedlock are pretty much shot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sorrysus (Dec 15, 2011)

OM just posted on FB photos of us together during a wedding we attended this past weekend. We appear hugging and holdings hands, commented how much he liked me and that I'm his girl. I'm worried STBX can use this against me. We are still legally married. Can this be constituted as adultery?.

While my STBX is not my friend on FB we have some mutual friends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

It's certainly NOT appropriate of you OM to do that, and I would ask him to take them down out of respect. But as for it being a divorce issue, it depends on what kind of divorce you are planning. Do you have any thing between y'all to make it contested? Usually that's the case when there are children involved or heavy finances and assets, and no one can agree on anything. Courts don't look at adultery like they use to and it seldom does anything in a divorce case.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Most states are no-fault, so I doubt it could be used against you.

Usually property (you have no kids) and alimony is awarded along state issued guidelilnes. You've been married awhile so all assets and income (which in a way, is an asset of the marriage) is probably considered transmutated as part of the marital whole.

If you made more, you may owe him alimony for awhile, but even alimony seems to be running a trend where it's short term, not lifetime. (Something like $500/month for 7 years or something)

You may want to move over the the "Considering Divorce" part of the website.

And if you make more then him, and he retains a lawyer, be prepared for an alimony claim.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

BTW, unless your stb-x is a pushover, which is a possibility, I would be ready for an acrimonious divorce.

You have acted in an uncivilized manner, which is why these matters end up in a civil court of law.

Not saying you didn't have grounds but there are better ways to go about it and no, the fb thing can't be used against you, but it will add fuel to their side in making whatever claim they can against you.

This is why most people in the middle of divorces advise others not to date until it's almost but concluded.

It's just a simple matter of respect.

But what's done is done. . .start shopping for lawyers.


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## sorrysus (Dec 15, 2011)

He's not a pushover, he can be quite aggressive with the right motivation. He sent me an e-mail telling me he knows about the OM and that I'm not fooling him if I were to get pregnant before the divorce is final. He did not use harsh words but he made me feel terrible. Wonder if it would be a good idea that we talked in order to calm this down.

I like the OM very much, he is chivalrous and romantic. But he is divorced and has a 3 y.o. with his ex wife. He was laid off (he worked in a mortgage company) this July and is looking to open a party supply business geared towards children. He's looking to move in with me.

On the other hand the STBX is an art gallery owner and loves the good life, fine wine, fine food and travel. But after what I put him through I don't think he's going to be able to trust me ever again.

Is it normal to have regrets about getting divorced?.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Of course its normal to have doubts especially when you played a big role in this. But your wanting children is still a big issue. Not to mention, the cheating now. If you even thought about reconciling with your H, you need to prepare yourself for a long painful process on both ends. Not an environment you want to bring a child into. I think your urge to have children is definately clouding your judgement on your future relationship. It is not unheard of for a woman to choose to be a single mother. I was one for years and I loved it. It was a struggle, but primarily because of financial contraints. I'm not saying children out of wedlock are ideal, but being a mother is an indescribable feeling, from conception and beyond... And it should not be brushed aside as not attainable simply because you didn't exchange wedding vows.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

\Most of the people posting to you here are women. The remarks are not because we don’t understand the pressure to have children that goes on internally with women. It’s your behavior and the things you say are out in lala land. I hope that you really pay attention to this, look within yourself and make some changes.
To start with you pressured a man who marry you who did not want children. Then you spent your marriage pressuring him to want children. How did you think this was going to work? Now you have a boyfriend who is promising you a child (read he wants sex with you) but is he not promising to be there to help you raise the child. And once again… how do you think this is going to work out?


sorrysus said:


> He's not a pushover, he can be quite aggressive with the right motivation. He sent me an e-mail telling me he knows about the OM and that I'm not fooling him if I were to get pregnant before the divorce is final. He did not use harsh words but he made me feel terrible. Wonder if it would be a good idea that we talked in order to calm this down.


I rather doubt talking to him will calm him down. It will probably make him more angry. What do you think you tell him about your adultery that woudl calm him down?



sorrysus said:


> But after what I put him through I don't think he's going to be able to trust me ever again.


Nope, after what you have done.. this is not 'just' adultery. Your behavior to him as been way over the line and just down right bazaar. On the surface it looks like your wanting a child has driven you to near insanity. But I will bet that you have been a drama queen all along. This is just your latest acting out


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

I'm not taking sides here but I just want to say that I fully understand from experience that the urge for women to have children can transcend what we would normally consider to be acceptable behavior in a relationship. When women get desperate, they will do ANYTHING to have a child. this comes before a relationship (especially one where the man does not want children as he can easily become the selfish enemy).

The fear of a man who does not want children is also extreme and he will resort to doing anything to navigate around this issue and save his relationship without succumbing to children. Often men who deep down don't want children will feel like everyone is against them because "everyone has children" (as you said yourself). It become difficult and non-productive to continue to argue against having children. The clock is ticking and agreeing on "let's just wait and see how we feel later" is no longer acceptable. He did not lie. He wanted to be with you and likely he did not know how he would feel about children in the future. Perhaps he just gave you the faintest glimmer of hope in the early days.

I don't know if you had a good relationship but this certainly can tear a good relationship apart. When there is not a common understanding on having children or not, sometimes it can be worked out but in my opinion, it will be very difficult or impossible to have a healthy relationship going forward.


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## sorrysus (Dec 15, 2011)

I've always been a drama queen, but this goes far beyond that. It is about having children and have made a mistake in marrying a man who did not and tried to change him. I was very unhappy in my marriage and gave up on trying to make it better. Being sad and in pain for so long made me take whatever life handed me and in any way it was handed to me. I want to be happy. I don't know about parenting a non biological child from my boyfriend. But I don't have that much time to look around and have one of my own. If I do get pregnant soon, my child would be born late next year and I would be near 39 by then. I seem to start to miss my stbx.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sorrysus said:


> I've always been a drama queen, but this goes far beyond that.


Being a drama queen is not very attractive in a teen age girl; though most are drama queens. But it’s downright ugly in a grown woman.



sorrysus said:


> It is about having children and have made a mistake in marrying a man who did not and tried to change him. I was very unhappy in my marriage and gave up on trying to make it better. Being sad and in pain for so long made me take whatever life handed me and in any way it was handed to me. I want to be happy.


I’m sure he would say the same thing about you. Stop trying to turn him into a bad guy here. He told you very clearly what he wanted from the start. You wanted to change him. He did not change, no surprise there. Never, ever, marry a person thinking you will change them.


sorrysus said:


> I don't know about parenting a non biological child from my boyfriend.


Um… your boyfriend’s child already has a mother. It will not go well if you think you are going to step in as his mother. Right now you are at best his dad’s latest squeeze. Most children do not look kindly on their parent’s squeezes.. even when the turn into wives and then step parents. Take it from me.. someone who raised my two step children. Parenting step children is 100 times harder then parenting your own.


sorrysus said:


> But I don't have that much time to look around and have one of my own. If I do get pregnant soon, my child would be born late next year and I would be near 39 by then.


While pregnancies later in life are more at risk, women are having babies into their 40’s. Do realize that it’s more likely that your child would be born with things like down syndrome and other issues because of your age. So if you do get pregnant get very good medical help.


sorrysus said:


> I seem to start to miss my stbx.


You are a mess emotionally. You have made your bed, so not you must sleep in it.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

sorrysus said:


> Guess I'm looking for justification because I feel extremely angry with my stbx for tricking me out of having children.HE. DID. NOT. TRICK. YOU. Did you not say that he wasn't keen on being a father?  And yes, I don't know what to do with my stbx, first he begged me and kept writing e-mails that said he loved me and wanted to have kids with me. Yesterday he e-mailed he knows about the OM and we should get divorced as quickly as possible before I get pregnant and possibly complicate the divorce process.
> 
> I feel like a failure for marring my stbx and lost 5 years to that man. I made a mistake and thought I would change him.
> 
> ...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

sorrysus said:


> Guess I'm looking for justification because I feel extremely angry with my stbx for tricking me out of having children. And yes, I don't know what to do with my stbx, first he begged me and kept writing e-mails that said he loved me and wanted to have kids with me. Yesterday he e-mailed he knows about the OM and we should get divorced as quickly as possible before I get pregnant and possibly complicate the divorce process.
> 
> I feel like a failure for marring my stbx and lost 5 years to that man. I made a mistake and thought I would change him.
> 
> ...


I have not read all of these posts so forgive me, I feel your 1st mistake was marrying a man who admittably did not want children and feeling you can change him. Either a man wants a family or he does not. 

And the URGE to have children can be UNRELENTING, this I KNOW, I understand you, your clock IS ticking. I went through some infertility testing, it can be expensive and hopefully you will have insurance to cover it -if you need it. They say if you do not conceive within one year of regular unprotected sex, you may have a fertility issue. I had a variety of testing after I couldn't conceive after our 1st. 

BUt bringing a child into what you are dealing with now is not the answer, if you want to be a mother, you need to get a divorce, and what about this OM, is he going to marry you, does he want to create a family -do you trust him? I seen where you would go ahead & have a baby single -your dad would support you even, to even say this sounds as though he may not be there for you & the child. Not the best way to bring a baby into this world. 

Just some things to think about. You need more settled -before you take on any of this. Divorce, create a stable family, a mom & dad, this is best for children. 

Just my opinion. I purposely married the type of man who I knew had the same family goals as me, he was NOT of high status but he was the true & blue family type, He is an excellent doting father. It is so very important to be on the same page in these things.

I do feel for your "ticking clock" though, it should be comforting that many many more women are having kids well into their 40's these days.


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