# any insight, support, suggestions or advice



## hawglet (Jan 26, 2014)

I'll try to stay a bit brief on details.
Back in Feb. of last year we decided to move for a new job for my wife. We were in the middle of a bath addition in our house and I coudn't just walk out on my job. On top of this we have a 2 yr old. So my wife and little girl moved, 100 miles away while i worked on our house and 3.5 days(45 hrs) at my employeer. We saw each other every weekend. House sold in July, I continued to stay for the 3.5 day work week while we were building our new house as I did a lot of the work myself.
Basically a week ago I opened our laptop to find an email conversation between my wife and another guy. Upon questions, he was a guy from New York that she had been sexting a little, email, calling etc. since about the beginning of July. She said she would end all of it immediately, okay. Now we jsut need communication nad possibly some counseling. On tuesday morning before work I was thinking about all of this and recall seeing a name on a file in the temp folder back in maybe sept. I look this name up and he's from a neighboring city about 30 minutes away, definately not New York. I made it to work to turn around and wake my wife. The real story was out, now she needed to be honest. Let me add, I think she has been since this point. She physically met this guy 6 times, sleeping with him 4 of those times. She generally talked to him every weekday at least once and frequently emailed, texted, snaped, etc. Although it had been less as of the last few months and hadnt met since maybe Sept or so, possibnly early Oct. 
With all of this said, I made the move to be with my family everyday of the week rather than thursday- sunday in mid-Oct.

A little back story, we're both 31, started dating in 2004 and have been married for almost 6 yrs. We have a 2 yr old and had planned on trying to have another in the coming yr.

I have no intention of leaving my wife at this point, however, I can't rule out divorce yet. I still love her, and dont' want to be away. I can't find a benefit of divorce, of course unless this happens again. We've started counsoling together as well as independently, in which we're told it'll take time but we'll be okay. 

My questions are vast and ever changing but I would liek to know what people think that have actually been through this kind of thing. 
Thanks to all and I'm sorry for the long windedness.

I'll do a follow up post for a couple of concerns/questions I've been having today.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You haven't said anything about how your wife is acting or doing to fix this. Why did she do it?


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## hawglet (Jan 26, 2014)

My concerns for today, they are ever changing of course.

Will I ever actually completely forget this kid (he was 26) and will she?
We've always had good/great communication besides the separation of the move, and currently we're talking all hours of the day. We've fooled around twice already (both times led to finishing with sex). The first time was weird, last night was great but still not the same. I'm concerned it's too soon for this? Will she decide that her actions must not have hurt too bad and repeat? I seem to always be wanting her when we're home together and I can't keep away. I've told her that if she ever cheats again I'll walk, immediately, no question there would have to be a divorce. 
I want to think the sex will help but I'm unsure? I want this behind us, our family back, and the crying and heartache to end as soon as possible but I don't want it too fast either so as to discount my pain or her actions/choices. She's hurting too which I can tell and hate seeing, although the angry side of me enjoy it a little bit too. 
Anything anyone can tell me to help us get through all of this without lying I would love to hear.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Hard questions need to be asked, certain actions undertaken:-

How many times has she cheated and with how many partners?
Are you the biological father of your child?
Get checked for STDs/HIV.

Have her checked out by a lie detector expert if you can afford it.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The sex is normal, its called hysterical bonding. The two of you, assuming she is actually into it , are reclaiming your relationship.

What have you done to make sure her affair is over? Sayin it doesn't make it so.

Counseling?


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## hawglet (Jan 26, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> You haven't said anything about how your wife is acting or doing to fix this. Why did she do it?


She's put a number block for his phone, opened her phone/email to me any time I want to see it. Deleted Snapchat. Emailed the other guy to end it and to confirm that he knew and understood called and told him how important it was that he not try to contact her by any means and she wouldn't be contacting him as well. I believe she's been open and honest the last week with me, although on occasion I thoughts wondering the other way without any logical explanation besides she lied to me before. She set up the counseling, came out to her parents about it which may have been more difficult that to me.What else should she be doing?

She's not exactly why she did it yet, but we're (she's) trying to figure it out with the counselor. As of right now, it's pointing to the lonely feeling while we were living 100 miles apart.

Am I being nieve or wearing blinders?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

hawglet said:


> She's put a number block for his phone, opened her phone/email to me any time I want to see it. Deleted Snapchat. Emailed the other guy to end it and to confirm that he knew and understood called and told him how important it was that he not try to contact her by any means and she wouldn't be contacting him as well. I believe she's been open and honest the last week with me, although on occasion I thoughts wondering the other way without any logical explanation besides she lied to me before. She set up the counseling, came out to her parents about it which may have been more difficult that to me.What else should she be doing?
> 
> She's not exactly why she did it yet, but we're (she's) trying to figure it out with the counselor. As of right now, it's pointing to the lonely feeling while we were living 100 miles apart.
> 
> *Am I being nieve or wearing blinders?*


Maybe. But this situation is fixable with heavy lifting by your wife.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Well you weren't apart that much. That excuse has zero weight. As a matter of fact that is totally insulting. 

I'm leaning to the poly too. Where did they do it? In your home?


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## hawglet (Jan 26, 2014)

How much can I do to be sure it's over I guess? 
Is a lie detector really needed, or that helpful?
She says its the first time, only person she's cheated with and only times (4 encounters). I don't have doubts about our child, although I did ask her. I wouldn't be able to turn my back on my little girl either way though.


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## hawglet (Jan 26, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> Well you weren't apart that much. That excuse has zero weight. As a matter of fact that is totally insulting.
> 
> I'm leaning to the poly too. Where did they do it? In your home?


In our rental place at the time once, his appt. once and 2 times in his car. Neither ever slept over, and he never met our little girl.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Exposure to her parents is big.

I would still see an attorney and look things over. The stronger you are now, the less likely in the future and it helps you heal better.

Right now your WW holds all the cards. She had the affair and because you are not doing anything, she is in full control.

Saying next time you will stand up for yourself is not much of a threat. 

You need to work on you first and foremost. Get to an IC for you.

It did not take long for her to cheat. Do not be a fool.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

July until Sept. 4 times, what happens, everytime here is that the chater lies about this. Figure 4 times a week or 4 times a month. 

Use your wiles and approach her with, I have reason to believe it was way more than four times. Ask her if she is willing to take a poly.

Does she make a lot more money than you?

How does she know the om?

Girls nights out?

Sorry you are here and the pain hat goes with it.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

How did she meet the OM?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

hawglet said:


> In our rental place at the time once, his appt. once and 2 times in his car. Neither ever slept over, and he never met our little girl.



If this was since July, it is far more than 6 times.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> July until Sept. 4 times, what happens, everytime here is that the chater lies about this. Figure 4 times a week or 4 times a month.
> 
> Use your wiles and approach her with, I have reason to believe it was way more than four times. Ask her if she is willing to take a poly.
> 
> ...


Chaparral just beat me to it--you haven't said how they got together in the first place. There might be a situation here that needs rectifying as well.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

You have a need (and absolute right) to know, with all certainty, that it really is over. Passwords for phones, any and all e-mail accounts (including work), social networking sites, etc. need to be shared immediately. You should view any hesitation to do this as reluctance -- or outright refusal -- to be 100% truthful. After all, it's possible that they're still in contact. If it looks to you like she's not had any contact w/ him since around the time that you made the move, it could just be that she started being more careful.

Check her phone for evidence of any deleted social networking apps, especially any that would allow for her to message/text and/or send pictures. The app may be gone but the files may still be intact.

She should be willing to openly answer any and all questions that you may have. Who is he, where does he work, is he married, how did they meet, did she tell any of her friends or family about the affair (you need to know this, as these may be people that you can't trust yourself), etc. She should be willing to send him a "no contact" e-mail, text, etc. stating that any and all contact is off limits. 

Consider contacting his spouse to inform her of the affair in order to enforce the "no contact" rule. If he does contact her (or she him), she should tell you immediately. You may also want to consider exposing the affair to friends and family (hers and yours). 

She should also be willing to have a GPS placed in her vehicle so that you can be aware of her location at all times. If her phone has this capability (i.e. "Find My iPhone" or "Find My Friends" for iPhone, some options exist for Android as well), you can use that as well. If she happens to drive a GM vehicle (GMC, Chevrolet, Buick, Cadillac, etc.), it likely has OnStar capability, and you can use the "Find My Family" feature for this.

Consider a keylogger for the computer. After all, she could just be using a secret e-mail account now.

Basically, if she's truly committed to saving your marriage, she should be 100% willing to give up any and all privacy or autonomy that she once enjoyed.

Also, if he lives only 30 minutes away, how do you know that they don't work together? If so, she should be willing to quit her job and find a new one.

Given that your child is so young, you may want to consider having some testing done in order to be sure that he/she is indeed your biological child. Not saying that this guy is the father, but some other guy may be. As others have stated, it's quite possible that she's done this before. You weren't apart for that long, and were seeing each other every weekend.

You've got more reading to do, but this should get you started.

Sorry that you're here but best of luck to you going forward.


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## hawglet (Jan 26, 2014)

What's an IC? 
She met him in a chat room for meeting people, said she was curious intially but it only took about 2 weeks before they had an encounter. 
I talked to the counselor about my contacting the guy, she didn't advise either way on it, just said that it may cause more pain.
We make comparable salaries.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

hawglet said:


> My concerns for today, they are ever changing of course.
> 
> *Will I ever actually completely forget this kid (he was 26) and will she?*
> We've always had good/great communication besides the separation of the move, and currently we're talking all hours of the day. We've fooled around twice already (both times led to finishing with sex). The first time was weird, last night was great but still not the same. I'm concerned it's too soon for this? Will she decide that her actions must not have hurt too bad and repeat? I seem to always be wanting her when we're home together and I can't keep away. I've told her that if she ever cheats again I'll walk, immediately, no question there would have to be a divorce.
> ...


No, and no. And you shouldn't forget, either. The question is when and if it will not affect your daily life together, and when and if you can forgive. Counseling is the way to go. Also reading TAM threads on the Coping With Infidelity forum.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

hawglet said:


> What's an IC?
> She met him in a chat room for meeting people, said she was curious intially but it only took about 2 weeks before they had an encounter.
> I talked to the counselor about my contacting the guy, she didn't advise either way on it, just said that it may cause more pain.
> We make comparable salaries.


So there's one of your non-negotiable conditions: no more fvckin chat rooms.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

hawglet said:


> What's an IC?
> She met him in a chat room for meeting people, said she was curious intially but it only took about 2 weeks before they had an encounter.
> I talked to the counselor about my contacting the guy, she didn't advise either way on it, just said that it may cause more pain.
> We make comparable salaries.


IC is an individual counselor.

No counselor will tell you to contact in case something goes wrong.

I would contact and ask to verify the story but up the numbers. Say me wife said you had sex only 20 times and you only met my child twice.

If OM is married tell his wife.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

hawglet said:


> What's an IC?
> She met him in a chat room for meeting people, said she was curious intially but it only took about 2 weeks before they had an encounter.
> I talked to the counselor about my contacting the guy, she didn't advise either way on it, just said that it may cause more pain.
> We make comparable salaries.


Chat room my azz!!! What are the odds that a random chat room guy is just a few minutes away? More likely in the personals of craiglist or AFF!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

hawglet said:


> In our rental place at the time once, his appt. once and 2 times in his car. Neither ever slept over, and he never met our little girl.


Ask her very pointedly where her 2-year-old daughter was when they were screwing in his car.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> You have a need (and absolutely right) to know, with all certainty, that it really is over. Passwords for phones, any and all e-mail accounts (including work), social networking sites, etc. need to be shared immediately. You should view any hesitation to do this as reluctance -- or outright refusal -- to be 100% truthful. After all, it's possible that they're still in contact. If it looks to you like she's not had any contact w/ him since around the time that you made the move, it could just be that she started being more careful.
> 
> Check her phone for evidence of any deleted social networking apps, especially any that would allow for her to message/text and/or send pictures. The app may be gone but the files may still be intact.
> 
> ...


A lot of good stuff here, except, most of it needs to be done without her knowledge. The length of the affair makes it hard to believe they quit cold turkey.

If she has an iphone, you can get deleted texts from the itunes backup.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Kinda looks like you're just letting it ride. Not sure that's a good plan. She NEEDS to discover why she did this to you and your marriage. If I was to guess, I'd say she already knows why, just doesn't want to tell you. Good luck, I think you may need it.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> A lot of good stuff here, except, *most of it needs to be done without her knowledge*. The length of the affair makes it hard to believe they quit cold turkey.
> 
> If she has an iphone, you can get deleted texts from the itunes backup.


Yep, sorry that I failed to mention that. Once you've established the truth for yourself, you can tell her. Telling her before that only gives her additional incentive to start covering her tracks.

I have to say though, the fact that she told her family says a lot. Still, don't let your guard down.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

hawglet said:


> What's an IC?
> She met him in a chat room for meeting people, said she was curious intially but it only took about 2 weeks before they had an encounter.
> I talked to the counselor about my contacting the guy, she didn't advise either way on it, just said that it may cause more pain.
> We make comparable salaries.


IC = Individual Counselling.

Why would a married woman want to visit a chat room for meeting people?

To look for someone to cheat on her husband and daughter with.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Did she get tested std's before you had sex with her?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

You really need to get to the bottom of this - the truth (poly will help - choose your questions wisely), and the why (which may be as simple as she enjoyed it, did not think she would be caught and has loose morals/boundaries). Without this I would not have any more kids and would leave. With this, you need to decide whether you want to stay or not and on what basis.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Get phone records.
It could be over but she started up awfully fast from you leaving.

IF truly first PA might be recoverable.

Ask yourself if you are aman who can sufficiently process that another man has put his load inside your wife. There is no correct answer and no shame in answering no.

The reason for the poly is a so calledd parking lot confession. It goes like this.

Wife you have grievously injured me. You are going to take a polygraph. Pass and i will work my damndest to reconcile. Fail and i will file divorce. You may change your answers up to the door of the poly but once inside your answers are locked.
1). Is it true this guy is your only affair?
2). You say you had sex 4 times is this correct?
Etc.
Get us a timeline with the following to see if it fits our normal parameters
1. Method met?
2. First innocent contact date.
3 first flirty/ inappropriate contact date.
4. First sexting?
5. Nude pictures of her sent? Y/n is sufficient. Did the pics leak?
6 firstbsex date
7 communications methods list.
Describe the om. Friend, vendor, boss, met at where? Etc. Generic answers.
8 when did contact end and why?


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

For heavens sake NEVER tell her of any of your monitoring methods!!!!

VARS and GPS are your aces in. The sleeve. NEVER. NEVER. NEVER tell her!!!!!


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

hawglet said:


> How much can I do to be sure it's over I guess?
> *Is a lie detector really needed, or that helpful?*
> She says its the first time, only person she's cheated with and only times (4 encounters). I don't have doubts about our child, although I did ask her. I wouldn't be able to turn my back on my little girl either way though.


Read the links in my signature to educate yourself about the value of the polygraph.

For your purposes, the real value I see is for it to cause your WS to experience a "parking lot" realization on the way to the polygraph examination, that coming clean and telling the truth is better than taking the polygraph. Some folks on this board have had that experience, it may work for you also.


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## Syco (Sep 25, 2013)

What does your wife contribute? 

Correct me if I'm wrong:

You had your job and you were working on the house, and yet she found the time to screw around. Where was your child when she was screwing around?

You were essentially doing all of this for her. 

She exposes the affair to her parents, and gets herself a job yesterday. Put the other man on cheaterville.com as well. 

Then you can think about R or D.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Please do not make any decisions based on the information that you now have. It is essentially always the case that the cheating spouse lies and trickles out the truth. Don't believe that it was only 4 times. The chances that that is true are about 0%.

Do some more investigating and while you are at it, take a very strong stance with your WW. Tell her you haven't decided whether you will divorce & that your decision depends on the A being completely over, that there is total no-contact with her OM. Insist that she must be completely honest & when she swears that she has been, make it clear that you don't believe it, that it must be confirmed with time.

Find out what you can about the OM, where he works, whether he is married, has a girlfriend. Expose to any wife/gf of his. She may well be lying about how they met. It's likely that he's a co-worker or that they met socially, etc.

It is extremely important that you make it clear to her that you are in control of what happens now & that there will be clear consequences to her actions, i.e., you may divorce.

Insist on complete transparency with phones, accounts, whereabouts. Always project strength and decisiveness. Even saying that you are not deciding now is a decision.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

She met up with this guy six times and had sex with him four times.

So my question is this. Where is your deal breaker? How many times does your wife have to have sex with other men before you've had enough? 

Are you sure that there isn't more than she's telling you. If it was me, I would make an appointment for a polygraph test for her and find out if there is any more.

One other thing. You better let her know that she already has two strikes against her and she better start acting like a wife or you'll be shopping for a new one in the future and say it in a way that she knows your not fooling around with her.

Honestly if it was me and she's seen this guy six times and had sex with him four times.............that you know of, I would be calling a lawyer and getting my ducks in a row PDQ.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Since you moved there for your wifes job, had she been in that town before.

There is a good chance the om wasn't found in a chat room.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Let the OP respond to my question set then we can compare it to known timelines and "scripts"

There is a reason to me asking most BS the same logistical questions. Method method method.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

I understand that you love your daughter and will be part of her life no matter what. You should check her DNA, not as a test of your love for her, but as a test of your wife’s truthfulness. 

Telling your wife that you are doing it will shake her up and demonstrate how her actions have shaken the very foundations of your marriage. 

Or you can do it without telling your wife. Since your daughter is only 2 years old, she will not understand what you are doing and no one will know that you tested her. Go to WalMart and get a DNA kit for $30. All you do is rub a Q-tip inside her cheek and your cheek. You mail the kit to a lab and pay $130 more.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

You need to be more proactive now or you will regret it later.



Malcolm38 said:


> My older brother spoke of this website and how it has been helpful to him so I will be giving this a whirl, since I don't tend to "talk" about my problems very much.
> 
> I have been married for 17 years, since I was 21 years old. We have 2 children together. A 10 year old daughter and a 5 year old daughter.
> 
> ...


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Yes, you are being naive. Probably the shock of the situation. 

It will soon hit you pretty hard


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

I am hesitant to believe the "met in a chat room" story. Can you verify that somehow? You were only apart half the week. I don't think "being lonely" is a very good excuse. Has your wife not tried to blame you at all for this?

I am even more hesitant to believe the sex just four times story. Why would she limit it to four times, why would she not sleep over his place or have him sleep over your place?

The experience here - and you can look at these threads yourself - is that the cheaters always lie. Of course, the cheating itself is a lie. But they also lie after being caught, many times admitting only enough to jive with the evidence you've found. That's the feeling I get with what you've posted so far. The story just does not make a whole lot of sense. And when a story does not make sense, usually it is a lie.

Ask her to write a detailed timeline, from first time they talked to last time they talked, with dates/times of all meetups, when they first said "I love you" to each other. That helps pin down the details and makes any gaps in her story stand out.

Put a voice-activated recorder in the car for a few weeks, it will give you peace of mind that she's no longer contacting this guy, or you will either catch her talking to a girlfriend about it or to the other guy about it. 

What did it take for your wife to have sex with you, back when you first met? I am guessing that she doesn't take the decision to have sex with another guy lightly, that she has to have some level of emotional connection with the guy before she has sex with him. If so, do you think it's realistic that everything just ended only because you found out and because she said she would stop? That is a very common statement for a cheater to make, but they sometimes have very deep feelings for the other person they are cheating with, and don't give it up too easily. Cheaters have been known to buy cheap prepaid burner phones, to communicate through apps that show only as data usage, such as whatsapp or words with friends, even to delete the apps and re-install them so they leave no trace. With all the ways to hide their communications, it would be very difficult to be sure it has stopped. If it still is going on, though, the voice-activated recorder would be the best way to find out, the one the cheater is least likely to think about. Cheaters usually feel safe making contact in their cars.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

OP,

I think the biggest and fatal mistake I see many BS make is trying to create this fantasy of getting their M and life back to the way it was as quickly as possible.

It leads to begging, pleading, and rugsweeping in almost every case where the BS expresses this desire, as you have in your earlier posts.

The reality is your former M and life are dead and gone forever.

If you and your WW are to continue, an entirely new M has to be built...and it has to be based on the new reality that your WW is not the woman you thought she was.

If she cannot get to the bottom of how she could betray you and your family, then there is no way you will ever have any trust to rebuild this M.

She needs to find out and tell you how she could ever possibly contemplate throwing your entire lives away for this f'ing POS.

If she can't give you a satisfactory answer and show you how she is changing to make sure it never happens again, then you need to file for D and move on.

Detach from her until she starts to show you this.

She needs to see and feel how much she screwed up and what she is about to lose if she doesn't radically alter her behavior and who she is.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

hawglet said:


> What's an IC?
> She met him in a chat room for meeting people, said she was curious intially but it only took about 2 weeks before they had an encounter.
> I talked to the counselor about my contacting the guy, she didn't advise either way on it, just said that it may cause more pain.
> We make comparable salaries.


RED FLAG

So this was apparently a "mistake"

She went to a chat room with the sole purpose of hooking up and it took her all of two weeks to hook up? My friend that screams all kinds of red flags. What's worse for you is that this was very much premeditated, she was determined to do it and kept on doing it. The number of times they actually had sex wouldn't be concerning, the concerning thing is she wanted to hook up and pressed full steam ahead and did it

It was easy the first time, you forgive her too easily and rugsweep there is nothing to stop her doing it again. So you need to ask her why, because I don't know is not a valid excuse, she might as well be honest and tell you it's because she wanted to because the speed with which she met up with the guy suggests this.


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

SOUNDS TO ME THAT she is rugsweeping and you are scared to death to lose her...
She got cought, so thats the reason she is chilling now and showing sham... NOT REMORSE BUT SHAM. 
the way you descibe everything seems to me that the cheating for you is not a big deal, just as long it stops......
Am I wrong?


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Okay my friend 

It's sledgehammer time 

You are thinking doing ALL the things that will enable her to carry on with a slap on the wrist and I can guarantee you (x 1000) she will then go on to rip you your kid kids and life to shreds 
*
It IS a given It IS a certainty *

You are allowing a rule of no consequences and that basically means you WILL be finished at some point in the future when this happens again 

AND IT WILL

Sadly For us with experience in adultery infidelity there are certain equations that always pan out the same - ALWAYS _without exception
_
Nice Guy + Need to get it back to how good you know it is = Desperation + Entitled selfish wayward spouse = zero respect for initially betrayed spouse = wayward spouse suffers no real defining consequences 

= you giving her a green light to do exactly the same 

This is human behavior in its most simplistic form 

You transgress in life and you suffer the consequences. If there are none you will of course carry on doing the same.

Get this clear too. No betrayed spouse ever in human history 'niced' their wayward other half back to them - EVER. It never happened and it never will - it's human DNA 

Waywards respect something they will lose. She's never thought she could actually lose you - so that has to change 

Expose her behavior to the world and it's friend anything connected to her and the om
To everyone and everything. When she looks into the eyes of friends and family and sees the contempt only gently hidden beneath the niceties will she feel the shame of her actions. If you don't she will think she got away with it this time.

Sadly you are only at the beginning of this. It's harsh advice but please take it from people that have been there and done it and also stayed on here and seen it a thousand times

You will 'man up' about this and tear up her world and deal with it properly either 

A/ now or next week and at least know you will have a proper shout at a reconciliation or 
B/ In 7 years time when you discover she simply carried on and you are dealing with a serial cheat who has destroyed you and more of you children's lives and probably others as well


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

BobSimmons said:


> So this was apparently a "mistake." She went to a chat room … and it took her all of two weeks to hook up? What's worse for you is that this was very much premeditated, she was determined to do it and kept on doing it. The number of times they actually had sex wouldn't be concerning, the concerning thing is she wanted to hook up and pressed full steam ahead and did it.


:iagree:

She moved to that area for a new job and you followed her. Things happened very fast.

In my opinion, it’s one of three things:

1.	She already knew the guy before move. For a long time or maybe they met when she interviewed for the job.

2.	She had a golden opportunity that may never repeat itself for years. She was going to be away from you for an extended period of time and she needed to have her fling while she could.

3.	She does this frequently and you just caught her this time.

*Again, the common theme is that it didn’t take very long for the guy to get into her pants.*


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Headspin said:


> Okay my friend
> 
> It's sledgehammer time
> 
> ...


A sledgehammer wielded with the best of intentions.

OP, the simple truth that many of us (including myself) who have been in your position have discovered is that the road to recovery and reconciliation begins with the willingness to end the marriage if certain conditions are not met by the cheating spouse. And the WS has to know this in no uncertain terms. "I'll do anything to make my marriage work," when uttered by the BS, is a formula for disaster.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

hawglet,

The other posters are spot on about your need to continue covert surveillance for the immediate future. A keylogger on her computer is a must. Put a VAR in her car for a couple of weeks.

INSIST that she never delete texts and check her cell bill regularly to compare with her phone, all her time away from you must be accounted for, NO GNO's, no communication with opposite sex friends, no hidden passwords, no deleting of internet history.

Expose her to your family and her family. Find out everything you can about the OM and expose to his wife or SO. Don't tell her your doing it, just do it.

Ask her if she'd be willing to take a polygraph and see what her reaction is.

Make her get tested for STD's. 

DNA your child. Not because you would feel any different about her/him. But because it's a tool to verify your wife's past history. And just as important; it gives her the message that you are not willing to trust anything she says right now. 

It's *VITAL* for your wife to receive and accept significant consequences for this. Not just for her sake; but for yours.

If you're not satisfied that she's done every thing you've asked her to do, that she's demonstrated complete remorse; at some point soon, after the hysterical bonding plays out, you'll have regrets that you accepted anything less. Regrets that can lead to a false R. Test her remorse every way that you can and you'll feel better about your chances for R going forward - if she passes those tests.

Keep posting.


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

hawglet, get a post nup in your favour. If she is remorseful, she would definitely sign it.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

brokeneric said:


> hawglet, get a post nup in your favour. If she is remorseful, she would definitely sign it.


Invalid in many states.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

jim123 said:


> If this was since July, it is far more than 6 times.


Iceberg theory here. 

She minimized her involvement once she couldnt do a complete denial.

You still do not know the truth.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

weightlifter said:


> Invalid in many states.


Actually, from what I've been reading lately, they're valid way more than they're not. They're even valid in the UK now as well. The main overriding factors seem to be if fraud is present, undue influence or if signed under duress.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Has she been tested for stds?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

With out consequences bad behavior continues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You need to find out why---and if she can't give you a why---then what was her thinking---she sure as he*l knows what she was thinking as she laid on the bed and spread her legs for this guy---she knew that she was risking the well being of your child, stabbing you in the heart---and trashing your mge, and just as soon as you left on a sunday---she was more than likely with him on Monday---where does that figure in as to the sacred vows she spoke to you, on your wedding day

You can and will do whatever you want as to your future---but know this---as of right now based on what you are saying----you have pretty much let her slide---you have been way to easy about all of this---she has basically moved right back into her previous lifestyle-----so what I want to know is---where is the accountability---what kind of remorse is there---so she is back and forth with you on the phone so what---that is meaningless, as of right now---she knows she can cheat and all she is gonna get from you are some threats----what have you actually DONE to show her, that she can/will not ever do this again, cuz as of right now why should she not cheat again---and I am willing to bet---that her lover is still firmly entrenched in her mind---how do you actually know, she doesn't seem him during the day----basically he was your replacement for the half of each week that you were not with her ---somehow I don't thing he is out of her mind----how do you intend to deal with that problem---for no matter what she says to you---remember---SHE LIES, and she had no problem doing so!!!!!!

What you need to know is what is in her mind---in a short period of time and while seeing you for half of each week---SHE STILL HAD A FULL ON PHYSICAL A.---along with exposing your child to her having sex, with a strange man in the place where the child was living----how solid of a mge do you REALLY HAVE---if she is out with another man, as soon as you leave

She moved awfully quickly into her affair, you left on sunday, and she was more than likely with him on Monday----you need to question the stability of your mge-----not matter what has been said/done by either of you---remember one thing, ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS

Right now you have blinders on----I don't know whether it is cuz you don't wanna go thru the upheaval of change, but you have been much to easy about all of this----or do you not consider your wife spreading her legs for another man any big thing


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Are you sure this started in July of this past year? 

I would seriously ask her about a polygraph and judge her reaction. Follow thru- be prepared for a parking lot confession. I seriously doubt you have the whole story.

A married person trolling chat rooms looking for a hook-up- yes that's what your wife did- knows exactly what they are doing. I doubt this is her first rodeo. Just the first one you busted.

She has proven that she has no issue cheating on you and lying about it. Do you really think she'd just offer up previous affairs that she's gotten away with? I doubt it. Also, she's been boning him more than admitted to this point.

Paternity test your kid. It is cheap easy and painless. You can do it from home for about a hundred bucks. Spend a few minutes on google. If you need help PM me. I did this with my kids.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

VAR her car. Weightlifter provides all the necessary info.

Hysterical bonding is good and bad. Good if you still have sexual chemistry. Terrible when the BS ends up in a sexless marriage.

Reestablishing sexual relations with your wife is bad if you rug sweep your problems away.

The fact that you are uncertain about the future is important. You cannot decide until you figure out what going on in her head.

How did she take care of your daughter while she was having sex with him?

How many times and where, well, she may still be lying.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

LW asked a really good question. How did she take care of your daughter while she was doing the horrible? This is huge. This would tell me that she didn't really care about anything, but herself. For me I wouldn't want to be married to someone, who didn't give a second thought about her kids. You def need to get to the bottom, in order to "R" if it's possible. BTW, six times my butt! just assume the worst and they did it a lot. The number is moot to me anyway, one time is a hundred times, as far as the hurt is concerned. Good luck sir.


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