# Wife Asked Me to Leave...



## br1an (Jun 24, 2012)

My wife of 21yrs (long story - here is thread http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/49513-wife-doesnt-want-work-things-right-now.html) just 5 weeks after Discovery, and the other guy breaking it off - does NOT want to continue MC, nor wants to WORK on things at all - either dealing with her 4-month A, or our other issues. 

She asked me to leave, and has seemed surprised that I'm not jumping at the chance to do so, or to find a lawyer. I've told her I'm in it for the long haul, ready to talk, etc. and I'm not going anywhere, no way no how. 

I would prefer to not be the one to jump into D, as I feel that's what she is doing - not considering the short- or long-term effects on our 4 kids (18, 16, 13, 11) but at the same time, I don't want to give her a huge amount of time to play with this situation. 

Any advice on how long to give them, to make amends, to come to their senses - or does that ever happen?


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## Shootables (Jun 21, 2012)

My story is similar. It would be very convenient for her if you leave? She wants to break up the family and not have any consequences or inconvenience. I am sure the affair was your fault. And her wanting a separation is your fault. Her unhappiness is your fault. Don't play that game. Be strong. Spend lots of time with your kids and completely ignore her requests. Don't get baited into aggressive confrontational arguments. Your buttons will be pushed. Did I mention be strong.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

brian,
Good on you for not leaving. She cheated, she leaves. Not sure what state you live in but all 50 states consider adultery when your case eventually comes up at the courthouse. It may not be a ground for divorce (no fault state) but it WILL affect property distribution and maybe even spousal support if that is part of the D. As far as not filing, why would you not file. Are you hoping to R? Your chances with this woman are pretty slim. 4 kids and she did this anyway? The woman you married is no more but has been replaced by this monster. I would file the D and request exclusive use of the home to the exclusion of your W at the first hearing. She NEEDS to feel REAL consequences for her actions. My STBXW is just now starting to feel reality (broke and no money or help from any of her OMs) and it sucks for her. Your W needs to feel similar consequences. She chose other men over you, let them pay her bills and buy her gas and food. YOU take care of your kids and of course require her to pay child support for 4 children. Time to man up and show her the door. You stay, kids stay, she goes.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Brian, I have a bit of a different point of view -- it is not unusual for a woman to be unhappy for years before she finally takes the step of asking for a divorce (or having an affair, or both). It sounds like that is the case here. While I think MiVA has good advice for you re your physical domicile, I think you need to start preparing yourself for the fact that there may be nothing you can do to change her mind about the divorce. I suspect that this is something that has been a long time coming. (I don't know, of course, but sounds like it.)

Good luck. Keep posting.


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## br1an (Jun 24, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Brian, I have a bit of a different point of view -- it is not unusual for a woman to be unhappy for years before she finally takes the step of asking for a divorce (or having an affair, or both). It sounds like that is the case here. While I think MiVA has good advice for you re your physical domicile, I think you need to start preparing yourself for the fact that there may be nothing you can do to change her mind about the divorce. I suspect that this is something that has been a long time coming. (I don't know, of course, but sounds like it.)
> 
> Good luck. Keep posting.


I will definitely keep posting, this has been a very informative site on this, my first day posting! Great advice all around. 

I suspect that you're right. I get the feeling that she's checked out some time ago. That's why she's so willing to "suddenly" (to me) just walk away and not even try - she gave up some time ago. 

I'm planning on looking at what it takes to file, and hope that puts the shock of what she's considering into her, make her see some sense - and if it doesn't - so be it. I've told her, I didn't make her cheat, I didn't choose to give up, she evidently has. She's willing to give up 21yrs with me, and do "this" to our 4 kids - not to mention the affair itself - w/o going even one more time to counseling of any kind. 

I'm preparing for the worst. The romantic in me wants to believe otherwise, but I've got to be realistic.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Yep, listen to the realistic side. The romantic side of her left the picture along time ago. She does not care about the effects of what she is doing to you or the kids. In her cheater's mind everything will be okay. They will tell you the kids will be just fine, etc because they CAN'T face the guilt of the hurt they are causing everyone involved. She is not interested in counseling and it won't do any good if she is still in contact with OM or if she is just done. Counseling is for those that WANT to make things better, your W doesn't. Let her go. Cheaters are hardly ever worth the effort.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

I never understand the nerve of these cheating women who tell their husbands to leave! How did they figure they have the right to the marital home? Really pisses me off.


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## BMonkey13 (Jun 20, 2012)

I have to agree with the folks saying to stay in the house. I really hope she wants to work on things and work it out. 21 years is such a long time to throw things away. Sounds like she's having a little mid-life crisis and the attention is winning over her heart. I hope she comes back down to earth for you and your kids.


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## br1an (Jun 24, 2012)

BMonkey13 said:


> I have to agree with the folks saying to stay in the house. I really hope she wants to work on things and work it out. 21 years is such a long time to throw things away. Sounds like she's having a little mid-life crisis and the attention is winning over her heart. I hope she comes back down to earth for you and your kids.


Thanks - that's what I'm hoping for as well. Preparing for the worst, mentally, physically, financially - but somewhat hopeful.


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