# The veil has been lifted and I'm not liking what I'm seeing



## *IrishEyes* (Apr 7, 2018)

I came on here a little less than 2 weeks ago saying I think I may have just ended my 30 year marriage but I'm beginning to see I didn't end my marriage - I ended how I _looked at_ my marriage. For 30 years I've always looked at my marriage as repairable. Even in the worst of times. I realize now that I no longer have any hope for it being repairable and am now moving into seeing divorce as inevitable and even desirable. With that comes seeing your marriage for what it really is and I'm frankly a bit horrified at what I've actually put up with and accepted for so long. Now I'm just berating myself for how stupid I've been to waste my youth and so much energy propping up a marriage that should have ended a looooooong time ago. 

It's like a veil has been lifted and the way I've looked at everything for the past 30 years has been turned on its axis and I'm now seeing it all from a completely different place. It's extremely uncomfortable on one hand and a little exciting on the other hand. Sandwiched in between is regret. A lot of it. And of course a lot of blaming myself. 

So, is this part of the process of separating? Do you ever stop blaming yourself for putting up with it all for so long? Does the regret turn into something else more positive and productive? This is a REALLY uncomfortable place to be in with a lot of feelings rising to the surface that I'd much rather avoid, but know I can't.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

*IrishEyes* said:


> I came on here a little less than 2 weeks ago saying I think I may have just ended my 30 year marriage but I'm beginning to see I didn't end my marriage - I ended how I _looked at_ my marriage. For 30 years I've always looked at my marriage as repairable. Even in the worst of times. I realize now that I no longer have any hope for it being repairable and am now moving into seeing divorce as inevitable and even desirable. With that comes seeing your marriage for what it really is and I'm frankly a bit horrified at what I've actually put up with and accepted for so long. Now I'm just berating myself for how stupid I've been to waste my youth and so much energy propping up a marriage that should have ended a looooooong time ago.
> 
> It's like a veil has been lifted and the way I've looked at everything for the past 30 years has been turned on its axis and I'm now seeing it all from a completely different place. It's extremely uncomfortable on one hand and a little exciting on the other hand. Sandwiched in between is regret. A lot of it. And of course a lot of blaming myself.
> 
> So, is this part of the process of separating? Do you ever stop blaming yourself for putting up with it all for so long? Does the regret turn into something else more positive and productive? This is a REALLY uncomfortable place to be in with a lot of feelings rising to the surface that I'd much rather avoid, but know I can't.


Well then I can say stop right there young lady... 

You cannot do that to yourself, we all feel that way, and we are all stupid if we spend much time thinking about it. 

I cannot even begin to tell you how I wish I would have divorced my wife at least 15 years ago. I did that to myself for a while, and I just realized, hey this is dumb. 

People have told me and it is still hard to believe. But the fact that it took me having a stroke to finally realize that what I was dealing with was completely insane. I mean, how stupid is that. 

Listen, I had all the "right' motivations for staying married, kids, grandkids, "you stay married no matter what", "you have to do the right thing", "don't be a quitter ", I mean I had a thousand of them. And here is the kicker, it is all crap, in the end no one taught us and we did not realize it soon enough that we have a right to be happy. We cannot save the marriage by ourselves.

I thought that honor, integrity and all the other Ideal ways to be was the only way to be. I don't disagree with these basic tenants, but somewhere your happiness has to matter, it just has to. 

You have to get over this thinking ASAP, it just holds you back. You did what you did, can't get it back, it is what it is...


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## *IrishEyes* (Apr 7, 2018)

Thanks for your thoughtful response BluesPower. And can I say, I'm still smiling at "young lady". Made my day!


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

It is what it is. And, it is good on the other side!

Oh, yes I wish things could have been different, but they weren't. The good news is the kids and grandkids are all the same. As far as I can tell, they all have as good (or as bad) a relationship with their mother as before. The grandkids are as awesome as ever! Grandparents divorcing doesn't have any significant impact on their personal lives. Everybody shows up for birthday parties, and for holidays they celebrate twice for each.

You still have all your memories of family events from the past. You still have the photos and videos.

Things are different, but not bad. Dating is weird, at least for me it is after being married more than 30 years. Jumping in bed with a new woman was weird, but good too. The freedom is great!

In our age group it seems people find relationships that are a lot more relaxed than the marriage was. Nothing is perfect, including divorcing after a very long marriage. But it isn't bad. The common regret is not divorcing sooner, though we all had good reasons not to. Don't forget that you made choices based on your values and the available data, so don't beat yourself up.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

*IrishEyes* said:


> I came on here a little less than 2 weeks ago saying I think I may have just ended my 30 year marriage but I'm beginning to see I didn't end my marriage - I ended how I _looked at_ my marriage. For 30 years I've always looked at my marriage as repairable. Even in the worst of times. I realize now that I no longer have any hope for it being repairable and am now moving into seeing divorce as inevitable and even desirable. With that comes seeing your marriage for what it really is and I'm frankly a bit horrified at what I've actually put up with and accepted for so long. Now I'm just berating myself for how stupid I've been to waste my youth and so much energy propping up a marriage that should have ended a looooooong time ago.
> 
> It's like a veil has been lifted and the way I've looked at everything for the past 30 years has been turned on its axis and I'm now seeing it all from a completely different place. It's extremely uncomfortable on one hand and a little exciting on the other hand. Sandwiched in between is regret. A lot of it. And of course a lot of blaming myself.
> 
> So, is this part of the process of separating? Do you ever stop blaming yourself for putting up with it all for so long? Does the regret turn into something else more positive and productive? This is a REALLY uncomfortable place to be in with a lot of feelings rising to the surface that I'd much rather avoid, but know I can't.


I regretted not doing something years ago until I realized I would have missed being with my kids. I would have regretted that more. I don’t know what’s going to happen when they finally leave the nest. My wife is actually trying to fix things now. Only time will tell. No regrets about staying now.


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## Coach Victoria (Apr 24, 2018)

*There is a reason you waited until now.* There were still more lessons for you to learn. Your timing is perfect. It's perfect because it is *YOUR* timing. No one else can ever tell you when the right time is. You did what you did for a reason. 

I _*LOVE*_ that you feel excited about the next phase of your life. That is something I work on with my clients, but it usually takes a *VERY* long time for them to get there. You are *WAY* ahead of the game!

Keep your positive outlook. The best is yet to come!:smthumbup:


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

ABHale said:


> I regretted not doing something years ago until I realized I would have missed being with my kids. I would have regretted that more. I don’t know what’s going to happen when they finally leave the nest. My wife is actually trying to fix things now. Only time will tell. No regrets about staying now.


Some wives wake up and start working pretty hard at the marriage when they see the empty nest approaching. Whether consciously or subconsciously, they begin preparing for life after. Others begin abandoning all pretense of a life together after. Hopefully each chooses the best path for their particular situation. It can be hard to just dismiss the problems of the previous 20+ years though. You never get to be young again.


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