# Please help



## Mark123 (Oct 13, 2009)

To cut a long story short ...
I have read a lot of books ..for eg the mmslp and no more mr nice guy.
I am at a total loss and ready to walk ... i have been with my wife for 8 years and married for 4. i am so fed of living as 2 seperate families.
i have 1 son from previous and my wife has 1 son from previous..
what makes things worse is his dad earns a lot more than me. so for her son he wants for nothing. his 16th he was bought a car.
me i work with my wife and all the money goes to the family.
i will be lucky if i can save enough to buy my son a new mobile for his 16th.
but that is the short of it all.
things like if it is my son doing something we take my car and i drive.
and if its her son then her car .. i know nothing about her and her son events ..
i look round the living room and there is 6 pictures of her son and of them together ..
her bouquet from previous marriage hangs pressed in a frame on the landing.
i really am at a loss .am i being stupid. is it me at fault.
her son next week will head off to egypt for holls with my wifes mom and dad.my son will not get a holiday this year ..
please help there are more examples if needed


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I imagine that you worry that your son suffers by the absence of such extravagance in his life.

I'm pretty sure, however, that what would be most damaging to a child in this situation is you acting like it is somehow your failure and/or her failure to provide him with more.

My kids went to school with much wealthier kids, b/c of my job. I was very honest about making my own choices, and choosing a career that would never lead to a wealthy lifestyle--and made it clear that my disinterest in such a lifestyle made it easy to do what I love. 

I have never apologized to my kids for what they do not have. 

Now, if you feel that there were just no "our family" things going on, you could have done something about that. You plan an activity for the 4 of you--and she lets her ex. know that the son has plans. YOU take the pics of the 4 of you and frame them. You take the lead.

Not sure why, but I detect a note of self-pity in your post. Sorry if that is not the case, but if things didn't work out as you wished, then you either make the changes that need to be made, or you move on. Don't feel bad about it, but don't just blame her for there being no unified family, either.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

Do things that brings your family together. Take the decorations that are related to old relationships down. Be nice it is after all her and her son's history but it belongs in a box somewhere in storage. Get more pictures of the four of you. You have to build the family life style you want.
My father was never rich, could not buy me everything I wanted. But you know what? I got his time, I got to learn from him, and I know what hard work looks like, and that is a respectable thing. I think that you are comparing to much between your son's and you and the other father. That is unhealthy and should end right now before it starts hurting your life and relationships. 

I bet you could work something out with your son about getting a car. My kids are not old enough yet but I am already planing on having them pay for half their car and all the insurance I will pay for the rest. I think that a kid who works for the car will treat it better.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Her bouquet from her first marriage hangs in the house?! Wtf? Put that in the garage!

And decorate how you see fit. It's your house too.


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## Mark123 (Oct 13, 2009)

Thank you for your reply... and i do see your point... 
there is perhaps a little more than that... she used to make my son do all the chores... like washing the pots etc.
i took over that role to combat that...
you see my son has had his problems with behaviour mostly due to his mom ... but my wife blames him for treating me so bad.
her son has never done a thing wrong ... mostly because he has no rules.
as for self pitty you may be right. this is not really related but my wife does have a handy ability of making me feel like a failure.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

There has to be a consensus in YOUR home regarding rules for the kids. They cannot have separate rules.

And why does your wife treat your son so badly?


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## Mark123 (Oct 13, 2009)

that_girl said:


> Her bouquet from her first marriage hangs in the house?! Wtf? Put that in the garage!
> 
> And decorate how you see fit. It's your house too.


its kinda wierd that ...we have spent the last week decorating the dinning room and she said it must feel nice for me to finally put my stamp on the place ...
i still feel like im just visiting


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Seems like she hasn't let go of the past...

And you two are still separate families. Maybe some family therapy is needed.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Man you're in a difficult position.
Wife sounds a bit insensitive too.

My feeling is that her son's dad is trying to rub it in your face that you are not " man enough " for her and her son.

Be firm, but tread carefully around her, or she will accuse you of being jealous / controlling etc. 

You need sit and have an open , honest talk with her.


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## Mark123 (Oct 13, 2009)

Why does your wife treat your son so badly?[/QUOTE]

i have asked her about that before.

as said she says she blames him for treating me so badly .. it is really wierd as i said i dunno if its me 
another eg would be my wife irons her sons clothes and my son has to do his own ... not a problem really we all should learn to iron


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Sounds like you acquiesce to your wife's desires.Did you not talk about being on the same page when dealing with your respective children and the things that might arise when you married?Doesn't sound like either one of you are inclusive of each others sons.You can change that,but you really need to talk about it.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Your wife is treating your son like 2nd class citizen.

STAND UP FOR YOUR CHILD. He will resent you. I'm sure he already hates her.

How sad to allow this to happen to your boy. it's one thing to take the abuse yourself (which is it--- emotional and mind effing), but to subject your boy to it....no way.


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## Mark123 (Oct 13, 2009)

Caribbean Man said:


> Man you're in a difficult position.
> Wife sounds a bit insensitive too.
> 
> My feeling is that her son's dad is trying to rub it in your face that you are not " man enough " for her and her son.
> ...


i could see that he is possbly trying to cause issues...
things have changed a lot from when they were married like she has lost a lot of weight and is down to a size 10 from an 18 after losing 5 stone ..
whats worse is he lives on the next street.


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## Mark123 (Oct 13, 2009)

I do try and stand up for my son but it is a constant battle ... and i am getting tired of it ... 
i think your right she hasnt let go of the past and we are two seperate families


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

She fights you about treating your child right?

dang. get out.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> her bouquet from previous marriage hangs pressed in a frame on the landing.


Yi...yi... yikes! 

_Really_? *On the landing*?

That's sick. Really disrespectful to you. 

Is she having an affair with her ex?

Or does she suck up to him as he is so wealthy?

Either way her callousness makes me shudder!


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

Mark123 said:


> To cut a long story short ...
> I have read a lot of books ..for eg the mmslp and no more mr nice guy.
> I am at a total loss and ready to walk ... i have been with my wife for 8 years and married for 4. i am so fed of living as 2 seperate families.
> i have 1 son from previous and my wife has 1 son from previous..
> ...


Money cannot switch hit for a good relationship. so make it so.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> her bouquet from previous marriage hangs pressed in a frame on the landing.


WTF... You're ok with that?


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

sisters359 said:


> I imagine that you worry that your son suffers by the absence of such extravagance in his life.
> 
> I'm pretty sure, however*, that what would be most damaging to a child in this situation is you acting like it is somehow your failure and/or her failure to provide him with more.*
> 
> ...



Sisters absolutely nailed it. That's some SOLID ADVICE!!

I will also add, in addition to her observation about self-pity...I also detect a bit of *pettiness *(regarding your wife having pics of herself and her son----though the wedding bouquet you have a right to be bothered by...still, in your case, I'd try not to be)

Pettiness is an even more unattractive trait in a man than a woman...and if you radiate that "energy" it will make you seem weak

Be confident...Be content...Be open and generous (ie don't let the trip to Egypt or the pictures bother you...be happy for her son)...and your attitude will give YOUR son something far more valuable than any car...a father he can admire and emulate


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