# My husband won't have sex with me



## Kat1011 (Mar 24, 2012)

I have been married for about six and a half years, and in that time my husband and I have had sex maybe 6 times. When we first started dating, we had sex all the time, sometimes multiple times a day. It gradually waned, until it became what it is now. I feel like we are roommates, or even brother/sister relationship, because we are best friends but there seems to be nothing else. I’ve tried talking to him about it, and he apologizes and says he wants to have sex more but nothing changes. We’ve been talking about having a baby; we are both in our early 30s and I desperately want kids. I try not to make sex just about that, because I don’t want to put too much pressure on him, but I am very frustrated and depressed. He says he’s attracted to me and he has been more affectionate lately. However, he is completely clueless when I try to make a move, and there is usually some excuse as to why we can’t do it. Just the other day, we had another talk and I told him that if he doesn’t want kids then I think we should divorce because I can’t and won’t wait forever. He assures me that he definitely wants a baby soon, but then nothing changes. I even told him that if he doesn’t want a baby now, I still want to have sex, and will even use condoms if he’s worried about it. I just want to have a real marriage. Do you have any advice for me? I am at my wit’s end.


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

My husband is a lot like this, in fact I'm amazed we have the kids we have, since we've had sex so infrequently over the years.

I assume you know he's not having an affair, isn't gay, and, has he ever been to a doctor for his low drive? Does he masturbate? Does he look at porn?


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## Kat1011 (Mar 24, 2012)

No affair, I'm pretty sure. Not gay. No masturbation in the past few years, but used to a lot. No porn. He really has no sex drive, I think. He won't go to a doctor, but I was able to get him to go to a counselor with me a couple of times. He basically just said he didn't know why he didn't want to have sex.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

Have you changed?

Weight gain, other issues that might have decreased your attractiveness in his eyes?

I've seen it before.. they get married, they let themselves go, and sometimes it's impossible to acknowledge those extra pounds to yourself.. but the partner sees it and it takes its toll.

This may not be the case with you at all, I'm just throwing it out there.


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## Kat1011 (Mar 24, 2012)

Yes, I've gained weight. And so has he. A lot. He says he likes my curves. Maybe he's lying, though. You may have hit on part of the problem. My self esteem has always been pretty low, too.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

Kat1011 said:


> Yes, I've gained weight. And so has he. A lot. He says he likes my curves. Maybe he's lying, though. You may have hit on part of the problem. My self esteem has always been pretty low, too.


He's lying.


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## Kat1011 (Mar 24, 2012)

If this is true, what can I do? I'm already on a new exercise routine and diet. And I try to take care of myself and look good.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

You need to focus on fixing YOUR self esteem. If it were high you wouldn't be here asking us this question. You would have dumped him by now.


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

Don't assume it's the weight... my husband has rejected me our whole marriage and my BMI is 21 up from 20 when we got married. Some people just have no drive :scratchhead::scratchhead:


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

isla~mama said:


> Don't assume it's the weight... my husband has rejected me our whole marriage and my BMI is 21 up from 20 when we got married. Some people just have no drive :scratchhead::scratchhead:


Plus he gained weight too. I'm not buying it either.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

It doesn't matter to him if he gained weight.

It's how she appears to him that matters, at least in this particular case.

I suggest the Op do everything she can to lose the pounds as soon as possible. If you're dieting, eat even less. If you're exercising, double your routine. 

If I'm right, he'll come right around, if I'm wrong, you'll be healthier and more attractive to the next guys you'll be looking to date.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I have no idea about whether weight gain is an issue. That's pretty specific to each guy. I know when my wife is heavier it has no bearing on whether or not I'm willing to have sex. Her weight has fluctuated over the years (20 years married) but that had nothing to do with whether I was willing or not.

The other thing you mentioned is no masturbation in the past few years but use to a lot, and no porn. I find this statement highly unlikely and naive. If he used to masturbate a lot, I can assure you that he still does. Out of all the things you mentioned, this is where I would start to look for a problem. I would have said look for signs of an affair, except that the lack of sex started at the beginning of the marriage and it seems unlikely that he's been stepping out since the very beginning. What seems most likely is that he had an addiction to his hand, and getting married didn't cure it the way he hoped it would.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

OP,
How do YOU feel about the lack of sex, and what does having sex with your husband mean to you?

Since it's only been a few times in the total marriage, do you think either of you are getting an emotional connection from sex? 
Is there any intimacy at all? Are you both satisfied with the level of intimacy, but the sex is required to have a baby? 

I'm gently trying to ask a pointed question here.
After 6 years of hardly any sex, now the desire to have a baby has obviously not happened because of the lack of sex.

In the past 6 years, were you satisfied with having sex once a year? If not, have you talked to him about it before? What did he say?


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## Always_Sunny (Jan 31, 2012)

Kat1011 said:


> No affair, I'm pretty sure. Not gay. *No masturbation in the past few years, but used to a lot.* No porn. He really has no sex drive, I think. He won't go to a doctor, but I was able to get him to go to a counselor with me a couple of times. He basically just said he didn't know why he didn't want to have sex.


This right here baffles me. Are you positive he's not masturbating, or even possibly cheating on you? I honestly can't go even a few days without.


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## Kat1011 (Mar 24, 2012)

Honestly, I've never really enjoyed sex myself. Either it hurts or I feel barely anything at all because he can't get it in. Both resulting from infrequent sex, I'm sure. I've always WANTED to like sex, so I would initiate something or try something new. But either it turns into a disaster, i.e. he can't get it in, or he turns me down. I guess we have more problems than just him not wanting sex. I've discovered a website with some different ideas and positions and I've introduced it to him. He seems very interested in trying some of the ideas, so hopefully something will change for the better. Maybe we just need new positions or ideas to get us going.

PureDope, I know he used to masturbate all the time because he would use my clean underwear to clean himself up afterward. When I'd do laundry, I would find pairs that I'd never worn. However, it's been ages since he's done that. I asked him about it and he said he just doesn't do it anymore. 

Thanks, everyone, for all of your thoughts.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

My husband and I were virgins until marriage, so I understand about the pain thing, as my body was also not used to having sex. When I met him after a few months of separation (as we live long-distance for the present time), it also hurt more too. It really helps to use plenty of lubricant, and to make sure that my body is sufficiently aroused (with plenty of foreplay) before we can have intercourse. Without enough arousal, sex would be really painful. But as long as there is lube and foreplay, I am good to go... and sex is very enjoyable. I wonder if this would help your situation. Maybe your husband didn't spend enough time to turn you on before penetration, which might have caused him to not to be able to enter properly.

Another issue is that there is a condition called vaginismus. It is when a woman subconsciously tightens the muscles around her vagina, and the man is not able to penetrate. The woman isn't doing it intentionally, but it just happens. In many cases, she unconsciously does this due to stress or anxiety. (I am a med student so I read about this sort of stuff.) You might want to read about this condition and see if it applies to you. Having enough foreplay, or having your husband do something relaxing for you (massage, etc) might help reduce anxiety towards sex. Another thing that might help (something I like personally although I don't have this condition) is to let me be in charge of my husband's initial penetration. He will give me oral first, and when I'm ready for him to be inside, then I will grab his penis and insert it myself. (When he inserts it himself, he pushes it in too fast and it can sometimes be painful, so I like to control when he gets to insert, and do it at my own slow pace. Once he's already in, then we can have intercourse at any pace without it hurting at all.) That's just another idea which might help it hurt less for you.

As far as your previous comments about weight, I know that a large proportion of men do care about their woman's weight. It does seem that husbands tend to be a bit more forgiving overall compared to boyfriends. In my case, I am significantly overweight (though trying to lose it), and my husband is at a healthy weight. I was obese when I met him, so I know he still loves me for me. We have talked about my weight issue, as it worries him. He tells me that he loves me so much that he doesn't want to spend a day of life without me by his side. So it bothers him if I am eating myself into an early grave rather than creating a healthy long life together. Even though I know my husband would be more attracted to me if I lost all the weight, nonetheless, we still have a great sex life. He has never punished me for my weight by not wanting to get physically intimate, and he loves to touch me. Similarly, when I met my husband he had a flat belly and nice biceps. He's gained about 10 pounds, and still at a very healthy weight (I actually like him better at his present size as he was slightly thin before and now his face looks even more handsome). But the weight gain is fat, not muscle, as he has gotten a little belly pouch now and somewhat lost those yummy biceps as they were bigger before. Although I miss that and don't want him to get too much belly fat (as it isn't good for his health either), I also still love intimacy and closeness with him and nothing changes that. 

I don't know if your husband's issue is one of his not being sufficiently physically attracted to you because of YOUR weight, OR it might be HIS weight that is causing him problems. Heavier men are more likely to have low testosterone (higher estrogen), so it's possible his sex drive is reduced for that reason alone. It could also be that he is more tired out (as weight does that to you), or it could be early cardiovascular issues (resulting in less blood flow to his nether regions - though I think you guys are probably a bit too young for that, though it's still possible). So there could be many causes to explore about why his drive is decreased. Nonetheless, despite the sex, I hope there is still plenty of cuddling and affection in the relationship, as not being touched by one's partner can feel like terrible rejection.


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## lovinmyhubby223 (Jan 31, 2012)

Does he have any interest in fixing the problem? If he does then have him see his doctor, it could very well be something physical. Does he show real enthusiasm about trying new things or is he just placating you?

If sex is painful for you then maybe you too should see a doctor. Wanting to have sex is one thing but if it’s painful then subconsciously you might not be as eager as you think you are.

There are great book out there like;
Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage by Kevin Leman

The Sex-Starved Marriage: A Couple's Guide to Boosting Their Marriage Libido by Michele Weiner-Davis

The Return of Desire: A Guide to Rediscovering Your Sexual Passion by Gina Ogden

Never Have the Same Sex Twice: A Guide For Couples by Alison Tyler, Donna George Storey and Jeremy Edwards

101 Nights of Grrreat Sex: Secret Sealed Seductions for Fun-Loving Couples by Laura Corn

Just to name a few. 

If he’s truly interested in working with you to solve the problem then it will happen. However do not bring a child into a marriage that is not 100% stable. A child will add stress to what sounds like an already stressed marriage. Fix the issues you and your hubby have before you think about kids.

Good luck to you!


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

Kat1011 said:


> I know he used to masturbate all the time because he would use my clean underwear to clean himself up afterward.


Doesn't that strike you as unusual? I mean, most of us guys use towels, or our own underwear. Or, some of the more creative guys, such as myself, train our dogs to clean up after us.

If he's jerking off and then going into your underwear drawer for cleanup materials.. it just sounds really screwy.

Maybe he's really into cross dressing and he's not into you for reasons that have nothing at all to do with you and everything to do with his unresolved attraction for the same sex?

Then again I enjoy when my women dresses up for sex, even if it's just bra and panties and I don't mind giving them a healthy shot of semen however it's a bit different in that they happen to be attached to a woman at the time.


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## Always_Sunny (Jan 31, 2012)

hisfac said:


> Or, some of the more creative guys, such as myself, train our dogs to clean up after us.


I saw you sneak that in at the end of your paragraph :rofl:


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## par4 (Mar 8, 2012)

I just dont understand why someone would have minimal sex inn 6 years. Do you move on or try and deal with the problem?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Deffinately time to go to a sex therapist.

My thoughts are that he may have some insecurities or a mental disorder that ties sex with guilt. Ejaculating on your underwear could be his guilty pleasure since it is done in secret and meant to lay claim to your clothes. Btw this is not something a gay man would do 

If he had a pretty intense masturbation habit in the beginning but dropped it, the chances are his libido lowered but he would still get erections. You can do the 'Sex In The City' and loop a strand of postage stamps around his penis and check it in the morning to see if it broke. If it did then it means he isn't physically impotent and is capable of having sex with you. I want to take a shot in the dark and say his weight gain could be effecting his libido and erections, but I'm no doctor. Just a former fatty

Like it or not you may have to start giving him hand/ blow jobs once a day to help expand the blood vessels in his penis. You can get him hard and try to have sex but if his blood vessels atrophied then he won't be able to stay hard for long with out feeling a stinging pain. A cheap penis pump at a very low 1-2"hg will also help if done for 10-15 min once a day. There is really a "use it or lose it" factor at play here as the more erections he can get throughout the day the more he will continue to get. But I would take it very slow when you start having sex because his heart needs to build up to the demands that sex requires. Even healthy people can pass out our experience chest pain from sex.


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## Skillett (Nov 12, 2012)

I believe I may have a logical answer for your situation. About 10 years ago I started to go through the same problems and didn't even know it. My weight increased and my sex drive dissolved into practically nothing. The strange thing is that you don't really know you have no sex drive because the thought was just not in my head. When my wife and I did have sex it was just the normal routine and it happened maybe once a month.

About 2 years ago things got worse. I was always tired, couldn't think straight, and just got unhappy with life. After being overweight and not having the energy to go to the gym I decided to go and see my doctor. The doctor did a full blood panel and my results were shocking. My Thyroid was low which explained part of my fatigue, but my testosterone levels were are 133ng! Normal range is 400 to 1000. For those who are not familiar with testosterone, it's what makes a man a man. It gives men muscles, sex drive, energy, strong bones, you name it.

The doc put me on thyroid medicine and testosterone therapy. I have to tell you that in 2 weeks my life changed. Energy increased 10 fold and libido skyrocketed. My libido was so high that I felt like I could have sex all night long without a break. My wife loves my new found interest in sex and I've purchased about $300 in new toys just to experiment and have fun.

Please have your man ask the doctor to check his testosterone levels. If anything he will lose weight and gain some muscle. If he does start treatment make sure the doctor has experience in male hormone treatment or it could be a roller coaster ride. I originally started with the under arm treatment, but it was too expensive and insurance wouldn't cover it. The injections are much cheaper especially if you do it yourself and they are much more reliable.

I hope this helps!


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

hisfac said:


> It doesn't matter to him if he gained weight.
> 
> It's how she appears to him that matters, at least in this particular case.
> 
> ...


 When men or woman gain a significant amount of weight, it can cause a low libido .


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## appletree (Oct 9, 2012)

If you didn't enjoy sex than it has something to do with you too. Or with him being a miserable lover. If you gained weight it has something to do with your feelings and if you lose weight you will change the way you feel. Other men might look at you differently and you might gain more self confidence. He should lose weight too but unfortunately you cannot convince him.
I am not attracted to fat men at all, but if a partner does not want to loose weight you will not convince him. Being overweight has something to do with psychological problems, sort of insulation against the nasty world outside. 
Try first to work out your problems completely before even thinking of children. Sexual relationships never get better with crying children who don't want to sleep.


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