# separated



## separatednsad (Aug 2, 2009)

My husband and i recently separated  i asked for the separation but now i feel bad because i miss my husband. We talk daily, i just found out that i am pregnant,my husband really wants a son since we have two little girls. I am confused because this child was planned and now he seems upset about the pregnancy! He has sent me more than a few text messages saying he misses me. I am confused about these texts because when i asked for the separation he began to fight me(not physically)saying he wanted to get costudy of our girls.We are in marriage counsling and at fridays meeting he said he wanted to have a healthy marriage i dont know if i can trust this statement. I miss my husband and i want him home WHAT SHOULD I DO?


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Once you realize marriage isn't all a bed of roses, but takes really hard work and commitment one figures out that just changing the pair of pants in the house doesn't change the skirt.

You have two small children, and one on the way. You need to work it out, unless he needs AA or anger and domestic abuse counseling.

Your kids need their parents to show them what commitment means and how love grows over time.


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

I agree with sandy. Once we get past the fairy tale version of marriage and understand it's sometimes alot of hard work and a commitment to the future...some of us buckle down and work at it...and some of us get disenchanted and give up.

If you love your husband and your family...work it out. Make it happen. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.




John


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## separatednsad (Aug 2, 2009)

Well my husband has sent me text messages every morning and this morning his two said "I love you" and "I just miss u". Now when i called him and said how i hated fighting, I will try what it takes to make US work he yelled and screamed at me cursing it always happins like that and if i really wanted him back to take anti-depressants! I was diagnosed with depression in december '08. Now that i am with child that is crazy to even ask me that. I think he is so unfair it isnt funny. after all of the yelling on the phone today he ended it with saying "I will be at all the counsling sessions execpt tommorow i have a doctors appt, I need to take care of myself it feels better it feels good. So im telling you and you can tell the counsler **** you all" is that a slap in the face or what? also he told me he was getting drunk because the sitution is pissing him off do you think the liquor was getting to him?


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

if you don't mind, you don't say why you separated from him in the first place.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Although you may miss your husband it depends on why you seperated as to if you should try to work it out.
If he is controlling, which it sounds like he could be ... being he wanted custody of your kids, you should have him go to counseling about controlling behavior before agreeing to get back with him.


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## separatednsad (Aug 2, 2009)

well we got into stupid arguement because while at the doctor for my three year old he drove off with no call or notice and when he returned he had himself some lunch and he thought it was funny that i was upset. I'll have you know he is not legal to drive! so i decided to give him the same respect he gave me by driving off while he was suppose to be setting my 3 year old a follow up appt which he never did. we did not speak for over 24 hours and every time i asked for his help with the girls he ignored me so i asked him for a separation (advise from our counsler). once i asked for the separation he got on the telephone to call his aunt & grandma and came back to me with "You unstable and i'm going to take the girls from you." As soon as i heard this i called the police with a history of domestic abuse i did not know where to turn. Im living in this city without any family and no where to turn.since then we have talked evry day and by the second day he began to say how much he misses me and the girls. suddenly today he threw a new additude at me.Possibly because i opened my heart to him he wants me to feel bad (he always tries to hurt me when hesupset). At this point i dont wanna talk to him yet alone work it out because hell just keep hurting me and sad pregnant women is a terrible thing. yes the reason we separated was small but my feelings arent ever taken seriously! HUGE problem im my book.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

small. Did you mention a history of domestic abuse? That should have been the reason for separation. Was he abusive to you in the past? If so....I am soo very sorry. If so....that would explain your depression.

The reactions you described when you talk to him, sound very much like an abusive man. Yelling and screaming for no reason. leaving to get himself lunch...and it was funny to him. This sounds like a very abusive relationship. Good luck to him ....he wouldn't have a snowballs chance in H*** in getting any custody...supervised visitation is more like it.

Am I off base here?


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## separatednsad (Aug 2, 2009)

You can say that again and one of the most annoying things about him is that da** aunt and grandma they are two old women that feed off anothers mishaps. His mother past almost 10 years ago and they feel they have to do EVERYTHING for this guy because maybe if mom was still around she would.


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## separatednsad (Aug 2, 2009)

I believe that is why he is so strong with this additude . I am not all right for letting myself fall for him but its hard to step out of a relationship when children are involved.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

I know...sweetie. But...if he has any history of domestic abuse...then they aren't safe with him...even if he is home with you. They are young right? You mentioned a 3 year old. How long do you think it will be before the abuse translates to them. And even if it doesn't...do you know what it does to a child when they witness abuse of their mother.

I do. My dad beat my mom...and I had to call for help a few times. I remember him pushing her into the wall so hard that it knocked the coocoo clock down. I was devistated about the clock...and didn't even realize the damage it did to me watching him hurt her....until years later. I ended up with an abusive husband.....adn the cycle has kept repeating itself. But...when our son was 3 months...he broke my nose and went to get a gun to kill me. We haven't lived together since. It took me almost ten months to file for divorce....and another year or two to completely disolve the relationship. I was terrified of him until I remarried...nine years ago.

Just keep in mind that something is terribly wrong with a man who hurts you like that. And it can't be fixed in a short amount of time...if ever. It isn't drugs or alcohol....it's part of a personality problem. My husband beat me sober....and drunk. And the cruelty never ceased....and teh mind games. Sounds like you. Mind games. He wants to come home...but he yells at you and says terrible things. That is playing mind games.

He needs serious help. You stay strong. And don't let that man hurt you anymore. Promise yourself. For your kids if nothing else. And dont' worry about the meds he wants you to take...you just take care of you adn that baby. It is a true blessing and you are it's one protector right now.

YOU are strong. And you can do this. But since you don't hve any help around....I would make sure the neighbors or police know that he is dangerous or can be...just incase he goes off. I don't want to scare you...but did you realize that women...especially pregnant women are more likely to die from their spouse than most any other cause....I am so worried about you.

DO NOT STOP POSTING....I am here ....I understand and I will listen. Love and prayers.


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## separatednsad (Aug 2, 2009)

I have been raising my girls alone for almost a week now i am happy to spend as much time with them as i am now seeing that when he was around we shared the responsibility. I have taken my girls to play at the park and enjoy there childhood in good hope i can set a differnt mind frame than what they are use to. I was raised by a single mom, My dad had terrible issues with booze in the past and at one point and time he came to our home to kill all of us (mom,brother,foster siblings and myself).I cant begin to tell you the trama i suffer from. Mainly the NEED of love from a male . I will be strong and do everything in my power to raise healthy kids.ITS JUST HARD at first ONLY i hope.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Yes...only at first. Talk about that pain. I know it. I have lived it too so you are not alone. And your pain is unique because it belongs to you and you are unique. 

I worry about you now because you are so much like I was in a way. It's scary .....and i have that same issue of needing that love. My father was crap....still is. My mom stood up to him...but she made some wacked out decisions after the divorce which screwed up my mind. But ...you know what....this is where you stop the cycle. You stop it. Take back that control and be the one. I am so proud of you...has anyone told you that.

I am. And I am praying for you....I don't know where you are..but I know that you can do it. I believe in you. You will stumble and make mistakes....and it will hurt...and you have every right to miss this man and love him. That doesn't make you wrong or stupid or messed up. love is not a bad thing....and it isnt' even bad to love a creep. Love is the greatest gift God gave us. But....It's not enough. Not in a case like this. Give your daughters a whole mother with a strong heart and who can protect them. Someone will come along later.....if he doesn't get help. It might take years....and you are doing a lot. But God will make a way for you.

It will get better. Love yourself...the advice everyone always gives me and it's darn good advice...if not hard to take. Love yourself sweetie. You are worth it....and you deserve love. 

Keep it up...I think you are doing great.

Love and prayers coming your way....keep in touch....if you just need to talk you can pm me....Ok?


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

With abusers, don't expect them to change.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

separatednsad said:


> )
> I cant begin to tell you the trama i suffer from.
> 
> Mainly the NEED of love from a male


sounds to me like you may be co-dependent as you should not NEED love from a male to be whole.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

How are you ?


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Sandy55 said:


> Once you realize marriage isn't all a bed of roses, but takes really hard work and commitment one figures out that just changing the pair of pants in the house doesn't change the skirt.
> 
> You have two small children, and one on the way. You need to work it out, unless he needs AA or anger and domestic abuse counseling.
> 
> Your kids need their parents to show them what commitment means and how love grows over time.


I love you..  I believe the same statement. Marriage is a lifetime commitment. For better or worse. Some people have more for worse but this is the hand you made. Make it as best you can. I believe the only time somebody should break up is Abuse verbal/physical/Substance or infidelity.. You don't teach your kids when it gets tough you bail. This is why there are so many failed marriage. People rather run then face the tough work..


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## separatednsad (Aug 2, 2009)

I dont wanna teach the girls to bail when things get tough but to have self control and if one is not willing to change dont sit back and and loose your life because u r in love. I have lost a child in the past from this man (physically). Enough is enough if you really care for me you wont hurt me is something that needs to be inforced. My children are my world and if they have to watch me get put six feet under WHAT IS THAT teaching them?


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## separatednsad (Aug 2, 2009)

Denise i am fine and am about to go to our marriage counsler now i will jump back on a little latter and fill you in ta-ta.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

separatednsad said:


> I dont wanna teach the girls to bail when things get tough but to have self control and if one is not willing to change dont sit back and and loose your life because u r in love. I have lost a child in the past from this man (physically). Enough is enough if you really care for me you wont hurt me is something that needs to be inforced. My children are my world and if they have to watch me get put six feet under WHAT IS THAT teaching them?


As I pointed out if physical abuse is part of it you need to get out. Safety of your children and yourself is most important. If its only threats maybe this is how he lashes out. I can tell you the first time my wife and I did seperate I did what he did with the threat of taking the kids and it escalated worse then it should ever have goten. Sounds like hes lashing out in a panic attack to grasp onto anything you guys had. He seems very scared. At least he cares. Give him some time away. If he does care you will see changes over time. Good luck..


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Loving husband...I think that she means that he was physically violent with her. She mentions domestic violence earlier. So...like you said...that is reason to go. 

And I think we can all agree on that. I don't believe in bailing....unless it's that only option...but when you have abuse...it's the only option.

Separated.....I had a bad day today....but I am here. You keep that chin up.....insist that he go to anger managment before you see him again. And do not be alone with him if you think he might turn violent.....it's not worth it. too many women die from that.

What happened with your child you lost....if you don't mind saying? If you do....it's okay...I know that it isn't easy....so no prob if you don't want to tell.

Take care of that unborn baby and those two sweet ones. Talk to you later...love and prayers.


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