# WW reassurance?



## ButterflyFree (Sep 28, 2011)

Let me first start by saying that I was the cheater (EA & PA), 10 mon since DDay#1, 9 mon DDay#2. I TT (that's why there is 2 DDays, not because I continued the A) trying to protect my H from further pain, I totally understand how this has made recovery/reconciling more difficult. In the beginning there were many questions, asking for details, etc. I told EVERTHING (after DDay#2). We have been in MC each week from the beginning. I enjoy going, learning a lot (about us & myself), we were very immature emotionally and had very poor communication. I have put everything I've learned and discovered into practice, growing to be a better person. 

So this last week I got the book 'His Needs, Her Needs' and have learned more and what to share with my H what I've learned about myself so I asked him to read. I suggested to read more for his understanding and awareness of our relationship. But he immediately got caught up in the first few pages in as to 'why' I did it and asked further questions, details in which I gave heartfelt honest answers which he's heard before. This time however he focused on different details and told me that I didn't tell him prior, but all was said perviouly, these are details that were skimmed over previously. He picked sentences out of the book and asked how it related with me & my affairs. When I don't give the textbook answer, he tells me that I'm wrong and lying and gets very irratated and angry with me. Says I'm still trying to protect him. I understand he can't trust 100% (and never will) but I find it discouraging when he tells me to my face that he'll never believe anything I have to say. So why ask?? He immediately shut down got defensive and tells me "that he'll never know if I lying, but if I do choose it do it again please let him know so he can pack my bags" That was last night. 

We all had a early morning, which doesn't happen much since he works nights and we're typically on totally opposite shifts. Anyways this morning when we hugged goodbye he was still in defensive mode, I reassured him that I talk to no one and asked "is there hope?" because I was still feeling depressed from our talk last night. He immediately replied "why so it can easier to leave, if there is no hope". I was also looking for reassurance that were going to make it, and told him that's what I was asking for when I asked "is there hope?". He then begrudgingly tells me that I need to be patient with him and states "yes we're going to get through this' very coursely. Is it right or OK for me to ask for reassurance too?

I believe I've been very patient (not my old style), I've never pressured him to move faster in recovering, I consistently ask if there is anything else I need to be doing or change anything that I am doing. What I find difficult is when I tell him what I need sometimes he almost fears it and finds excuses why he doesn't or won't fill this need. Is it too early to tell him my needs and ask for him to fill them? Right now I'm only looking for is my #1 basic need to converse with him about everything. But I want a two way converstation and right now he just sits and listens only and doesn't say anything back. I want feedback, his thoughts about dinner, kids, us etc. 

Recap:
1) It it OK as a WW to ask for reassurance that he still wants "US"?
2) Is it too early to tell him my needs as a wife? 

Thanks to all who post as it has reassured me that I'm doing everything right, even thought I started on the wrong foot. It has given me strength when I feel beat down trying to fight for my husband and the courage to continue. THANKS!


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

For #1 - I think it's okay to ask this
For #2 - given what you've said, it is likely too soon


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

#1) You have a right to ask for reinsurance and he has a right not to answer.
#2) It is too early to ask him to meet your needs. He is not ready yet.

It will take time for him to heal. I wish you luck. Hang in there.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

How long was the affair? Have the both of you been tested for STD's?
How long have you been married? What gave you permission within you to have an affair? Did you realize that the consequences of affair could mean the end of the marriage? What do you think you would be needing if the roles had been reversed?

I think it is all right to ask for assurances but he may be wondering why since you broke the wedding vows and put his health at risk. Would you be giving him assurances if the roles were reversed?

It is never to early to tell him what your needs are. Open and honest communication is a must. I am not sure that you realize how destructive emotionally on so many levels that an affair is to your husband. You mentioned affairs....were there more than one affair? If there were different affairs then you really may be asking too much for your husband to recover. Would you? I wish you luck.


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## ButterflyFree (Sep 28, 2011)

EA started first & was 3 mos, PA was 2 mos w/ 2 different OM, happened at same time. We have been married for 14yrs (3 kids, house, toys, pets) and I was the person who always said I would never do that after witnessing many friends and neighbors go thought it. I was unhappy in my marriage, wanted to quit a few times but H always said things would get better but we never really changed or worked to get better. Constantly blaming the other, being defensive, poor communication, etc. During a depressed and down time, thinking this is the best it's going to be, it came knocking at my door. I was very naive and stupid and very unaware that I crossed the line (back then) and when I did wake up and realize I crossed the line I was already addicted, deep in fog and then OM#2 walked in. Everything ended when a text msg that was caught by my H, I woke up real fast. A "What the F*** have I done" moment with a million shattered pieces around me that I will not be able to put back together. I tried to "fix it" by holding details, to lesson the pain. Now I know it just made it all the worse. But all I ever truely wanted was for us to be happy and I seriously f'ed that up. 

I am the type to make everyone happy, I always came last, I never want to hurt anyone so YES!, I would be giving him a another chance like the one I have been given. He has confessed that he's crossed the line a couple times and kissed girls at the bar during particular rough times in our marriage. I have only since found out because of my actions. 

I try every day to be open and honest and sometimes it bites me. I'm open in to the fact of letting him know what I've been missing for so many years. We are able to express this now only because we've had help through MC on how to communicate. But I feel he doesn't want to give what I need. So was wondering if it it because it's too early for me to tell him what I need as a wife or if there is another approach or I don't know. Scared at times and I know he is too.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Tell him what your needs are and ask him what his needs are. Does your husband have mind movies what you both are intimate? This is very common. Counseling is a must. Much better to be too open in communications than to be too closed. Good luck. Have you both been tested for STD's? This is essential and one of the consequences of sexual affairs.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

i can only share with you my experience. I'm 8 months out from my H affair.For the first several months, I didn't care about his needs... and when he voiced them, I shouted back, "your needs are not what's important here, you're not the victim here !!" 

I wasnt ready to go there yet...within time came more clarity , more clarity more understanding... it's a long bumpy journey ...

~sammy


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

You had sex with 2 different men, shamed and disrespected your husband, acted like a s**t, and showed him that you are a dishonest person and that you really don't love him, and you come here asking if your feelings are valid? This is very selfish and a huge red flag. You need to divorce him so he can find a truly good woman. You are not worthy of a second chance. Your husband is a saint compared to you. I'm sorry if this is harsh, but you need to get your head on straight and realize that for the foreseeable future, you wants and needs count for nothing, until you good husband is willing to listen to you. If you were my wife you would be history.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

As horribly as she's behaved (and she's asked these same questions on a prior thread, got bashed, regrouped, and is trying again with a softer attitude), she is contrite, her husband has agreed to work on the marriage knowing all the facts. We may disagree with the H (I would be done, as well, in this sitch), but that's not our call. The H has stayed and she is trying to make it work.

Butterfly, he is going to need a LOT of time to get over this. I think asking for reassurance that he is giving it a good college try to make it work with you, I would NOT start in with your needs. Not for awhile. If you can't handle that, then you should let him go.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Butterfly........

I have to say that you husband is something else in that he is willing to TRY to keep your marriage together after you did what you did.

Its bad enough that a WS has a PA with one AP, even worse if they WS has serial affairs........but two AP at the same time.

Most WW state that they have emotional attachments with their OM.......you demonstrated an ability to have emotional attachment with 3 men at the same time........

I believe that you have to allow your husband the time he needs, and I think he will need more time than most (I hope your getting professional help). 

Its OK to check in with him from time to time, I would not hit him with all your needs requests at the same time.......introduce slowy. Better if that conversation is held with a professional 3rd party.

Good luck...


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

ButterflyFree said:


> I understand he can't trust 100% (and never will) but I find it discouraging when he tells me to my face that he'll never believe anything I have to say. So why ask??


Because thats what mental abuse can do to a person. I don't think, as a former BS, that asking those questions are a way of thinking it might help me feel better if I get the answer I might want. But really the questions are brought about because the pain causes us to say and do crazy things. I think in the short term, a BS is just fishing for more reasons to stay angry, thinking that by being angry, and not some lapdog, that we will guard ourselves from being played for fools again.





> We all had a early morning, which doesn't happen much since he works nights and we're typically on totally opposite shifts. Anyways this morning when we hugged goodbye he was still in defensive mode, I reassured him that I talk to no one and asked "is there hope?" because I was still feeling depressed from our talk last night. He immediately replied "why so it can easier to leave, if there is no hope". I was also looking for reassurance that were going to make it, and told him that's what I was asking for when I asked "is there hope?". He then begrudgingly tells me that I need to be patient with him and states "yes we're going to get through this' very coursely. Is it right or OK for me to ask for reassurance too?


No. Sorry, but your reassurance, after what you have done, is not a priority right now. You aren't entitled to reassurance until the day comes, if it comes, that his pain subsides to a point he can control his emotions.




> I believe I've been very patient


Again, you don't get to cheat then claim you are the patient one here. You did this to him. Your "patience" is a requirement, not something you get to decide whether or not he deserves.




> I've never pressured him to move faster in recovering, I consistently ask if there is anything else I need to be doing or change anything that I am doing. What I find difficult is when I tell him what I need sometimes he almost fears it and finds excuses why he doesn't or won't fill this need. Is it too early to tell him my needs and ask for him to fill them?


Yes, not only did you have one Dday, but two. 9 months is not nearly enough time for him to calm down. You burdened him with this, you need to wait it out as long as it takes. That is, IF you really want this marriage and not simply to have a better time of the consequences.




> Right now I'm only looking for is my #1 basic need to converse with him about everything. But I want a two way converstation and right now he just sits and listens only and doesn't say anything back. I want feedback, his thoughts about dinner, kids, us etc.


Its kind of hard for him to do, don't you think? Because here is what is probably going through his head while you are talking to him. He probably has a video going off in his head of you bouncing up and down on another man and climaxing. Kind of hard to want to talk with that kind of crap going on in his head.

I guarantee you, right now, there isn't an hour that goes by that he doesn't have thoughts of you having sex with another man. Its eating him alive. So your need for reassurance, right now, is not of major concern, nor should it be.




> Recap:
> 1) It it OK as a WW to ask for reassurance that he still wants "US"?


You can ask, just don't blame him for how he reacts. However I will say its not like you are asking him to "get over it".




> 2) Is it too early to tell him my needs as a wife?


Yes, because as I said, he sees his wife, in his head, pleasuring herself with another man right now. Although those visions will never go away, and he will never forget, right now they are all too raw.




> Thanks to all who post as it has reassured me that I'm doing everything right, even thought I started on the wrong foot. It has given me strength when I feel beat down trying to fight for my husband and the courage to continue. THANKS!


Honestly, I think you are doing everything right, with the exception of expecting him to fill any of your needs right now. He has been mentally abused. He needs to at least get past that a little before he can start to feel ok about the marriage again.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

ButterflyFree said:


> EA started first & was 3 mos, PA was 2 mos w/ 2 different OM, happened at same time.


Ouch! Damn. After knowing this, it will take a LOOOOOONG time for your husband to get over this, if he can.

I don't know of many men that can forgive cheating, let alone with multiple men.

So this even more so solidifies what I said, your needs right now should not be of concern to him or you.

And after reading the above, I can tell you exactly what he is thinking. Seeing as how it was more than one man, he is thinking that you want to screw every man you are attracted to, and would if you thought you wouldn't get caught.


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## ButterflyFree (Sep 28, 2011)

I know it won't sound better but to clearify, I didn't sleep with 2 different men. EA OM#1 (noPA), PA OM#2 Both were happening at the same time, I shake my head everyday and ask what trash can I fell in. I'm now starting to understand my wrong choices from then and years ago that lead me to make a horrible choice and why our marriage was having problems. 

I'm trying everyday to prove I'm growing to be a better person for myself, my family and our marriage. I understand people grow and heal differently. This is why I asked for different perspective as I don't want to derail our recovery by asking for something that he is not ready to give. But at the same time it's almost like putting the marriage on hold....is that OK? Or do I need to take a different look at it?

He kepts to himself and doesn't let me in very much unless he has questions, this is the only time I know what he's thinking. I know it has to be very difficult for him to talk to me about how much he hurts because I am the one who killed his heart.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Butterfly, I am a BS male, 8+ months out, and not slamming u in any way. But you asked for opinions, and I think it's almost a continuation of selfishness to ask what you clearly want to know ("is there hope?")

I would lash out in response. Not healthy, not the right thing to do, but it's what I am sure I would do. He can't -- or won't -- fill your needs right now. He doesn't even really want to. He wants to digest, internalize, sort, and try to glean some understanding of where his head, mind, and heart are at -- because they are in conflict with one another and it's all he can do at times to givem them head space to fight it out... there's no room for anything else.

The reality is he probably doesn't even want to give you the satisfaction of a 'yes' answer... there's a piece of us that wants to 'punish' you, for you to want us back, and not to give it to you. 

YOU will think that by now at this point he should be 'getting over it', or at least know where he wants to be in the end. I can tell you from my own experience, I want R but am not sure I can ever get there. And the longer time goes on, the more frustrated I get with the whole thing not getting clearer in my head... I have thesame question you are asking ringing in my head every hour of every day, and I am resentful that I can't answer it for myself. So, if I heard her asking me that question it would feel almoist 'badgering' (obviously not the intent) and selfish and not at all about _him_and what he is feeling (which let's face it, this question really is a bit selfish, but that shouldn't be the reaction... just acknowledging it for what it is).

You want assurance that what you're doing is working, having an impact, he is seeing a way through it... he wants assurance that someday he will feel 'better' about it all, and doesn't know for sure that he can get himself there... a bad scene for HIM to find a way to reassure YOU. I actually admire him for not going off on you over it as I would... 

Meeting YOUR needs has to be something he gives to you willingly, not begrudgingly because you want it or ask for it... and btw, YOU can open the door to him asking those questions he has, becasue whether he's asked 100 times already or not, he wants and needs to ask again... trust me. It's classic PTSD. 

Hopefully that's not coming across harsh, but in the spirit it's intended -- my honest response from being somewhat in his shoes. My point is, if you want to help him to heal, the best thing you can do is be all about him, what he wants to discuss or _doesn't_ want to discuss, because everything you say or do that even has the appearance of selfishness kind of triggers him to a bad place. 

Good luck.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Sorry, I mis-understood and thought that both affairs were PA's. But that isn't really that much better, is it? You still cheated with two different men, right? You really think you deserve an answer to your questions to him? You're lucky you still have a home, and family.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

ButterflyFree said:


> I know it won't sound better but to clearify, I didn't sleep with 2 different men. EA OM#1 (noPA), PA OM#2 Both were happening at the same time


Your right.....it doesn't sound any better.





> I'm now starting to understand my wrong choices from then and years ago *that lead me to make a horrible choice* *and why our marriage was having problems*.


And what was that?




> I'm trying everyday to prove I'm growing to be a better person for myself, my family and our marriage. I understand people grow and heal differently. This is why I asked for different perspective as I don't want to derail our recovery by asking for something that he is not ready to give. But at the same time it's almost like putting the marriage on hold....is that OK?


When you cheat, you don't get to be the one to put a timeline to recovery. So no, its not ok.




> He kepts to himself and doesn't let me in very much unless he has questions, this is the only time I know what he's thinking. I know it has to be very difficult for him to talk to me about how much he hurts because I am the one who killed his heart.


Thats why you need to give it time. You two may make it, you may not. But only time will tell and it it up to him. Your only job is to bend over backwards to show him it will never happen again and be loving towards him.

Take that advice, because honestly, I have absolutely ZERO confidence in anyone that cheats. So for me to say that to you, its best you adhere to it.


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## DesperateHeart (Dec 20, 2011)

I'm sure the answer will differ for every BS. But in my case (I'm a BS btw), I welcome it when my husband asks for reassurance and tells me his needs. Might be the exception here, or maybe it's because I am a woman...I don't know. It might also be that I've decided to "hear" the truth however painful it is because I am determined as hell to come out the winner here, whether the relationship works or not. So I just want to do the right thing so I can tell myself I did everything I could before (and if) I exit the relationship.

Does this mean though that I don't slam him when he tells me his needs? Of course I do! LOL. But in the end, when I cam down, I hear the truth behind his words and realize that if my goal is to reconcile we both have to start meeting each other's needs. I don't want to enter R with a feeling of entitlement just because I am the BS. I also actually like it when he asks for reassurance (depending on his timing!) because it makes me realize how badly he wants this. But that's just me and men and women probably process things much differently.

DDay1 (EA) was almost 2 month ago and DDay2 (PA) was just less than a month ago. So I guess it's not about how long ago it happened but your H's frame of mind. We can all give advice but you're the one who can best judge what frame of mind he's in.

So yeah, I agree with the rest that you need to bend over backwards to try to regain his trust and show him you love him, but I don't think that means NOT communicating your needs because non-communication is probably one of the things that soured your marriage in the first place.

Best of luck to you!


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Badblood said:


> Sorry, I mis-understood and thought that both affairs were PA's. But that isn't really that much better, is it? You still cheated with two different men, right? You really think you deserve an answer to your questions to him? You're lucky you still have a home, and family.



:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Butterfly---It sounds like the major problem in your mge--is---LACK OF FORCED COMMUNICATION

You claim, there were problems, but how much time did you REALLY spend trying to work them out---

Did you honestly spend, even 24 hours total time, in all the years you were married, in a forced discussion, of how to deal with the marital problems---I doubt it---but you sure as he*l spent a lot of time communicating with your lovers didn't you

Now you wanna know if you are entitled to have your needs met----YES You are---why wouldn't you be entitled to have your needs met---If you had communicated in the 1st place---this thread would not even exist---so if you need something from him----COMMUNICATE WITH HIM---FORCEFULLY if necessary----Yes you cheated, and you need to do what is necessary to get back into your mge----but you never became a slave, or a 2nd class citizen---so if you have needs---MAKE THEM KNOWN---or all the work you are doing in your R., will be just a waste of time!!!!!!!


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## ButterflyFree (Sep 28, 2011)

Communication is our #1 mge issue, it failed on every level. We tried MC, over 10 yrs ago, but the therapist allowed us to argue and fight never gave advise, instead fell asleep a few times. So we didn't learn or know any other way. Instead we would yelled at each other, constantly putting the other down, played the blame game and then went to our separate corners of the house. After each major blow up things would get better but then we ultimately find ourselfs with more resentments. Those resentments kept an emotional distance between us. We still had a blast as a family doing a bunch of recrecreational activities this kept the peace, so did having small kids, they kept us busy enough to keep our resentments at bay. We each had friends and family to vent to about the other. We always had people over or went out with friends, we never did anything by ourselves because it never worked, better to have friends as buffers. 

As the kids got older and H starting working shift work it got worse. We would go 3 days without talking more than 5 min, only to communicate kid issues and then we even disagreed about that. We knew the shift work was getting to the entire family, it started more resentments and because we didn't know how to communicate with out anger it sent us further apart. 

Through MC now, we have learned to effectively communicate and stop harboring resentments. We have made communication safe, was always very scary in the past. So that being said when we stop talking now things become unsure, it's easy not to talk, our life keeps us very busy. I worry we will go back to being in separate corners of the house.

We did sit and talk again last night and he wants to hear my needs but at the same time might not always want to give them because of the "mind f**k" that is happening to him. He was able to express a mixture of the advise given to me here. And I was able to communicate and reassure him that I'm willing to do anything and wait as long as possible but I need guidance from him. What can I do to make things better or what shouldn't I do. We need to help each other, we are no longer on separate paths.

It's weird to look back at us and the conversation we have now compared to the ones we had 10yrs or 2yrs ago. It's just amazing how each listens and makes the other safe. 

Now if we can only back up the trailer without arguing.


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