# Emotional crossroads



## Opasan1 (Aug 6, 2015)

Hello readers.... I am hoping to get some advice and feedback from others on here that have dealt with what I am about to talk about and I guess how its worked out. Good or bad.

It started out as an unexpected little fling with a woman i met through work. It was just innocent banter every day and me bringing her coffee, but over say a month and a half we both started to take an interest in each other that we could tell was more than just silly chat. She is 31 single and I am currently married and 44 with two boys 10 and 7. So we ended up getting together and fooling around thinking it was just fun times and we move on. Well 9 months later and we are in love with one another and I am an emotional wreck because I don't know what to do.. My wifes parents know about this and so does my brother and his wife. My parents do not know as they are older and my brother feels that they would take it hard if they knew what was happening since I haven't left my wife. 

We have been separated for 7 weeks now and I have been living with my "girlfriend" the entire time. That information no one knows about. Anyways, I feel like i need to make a decision one way or another because its not far to either women at the moment. My wife has been quiet this entire time and hasn't been vocal about divorce or anything like that. I have actually told her a couple of times that it over between me and C and she accepted it only to catch me again.

My concern is hurting my wife and most importantly I don't want to devastate the boys by leaving and on the other hand I don't want to let C go because i have not had a connection with someone like i have with her. it really is magical and we both feel that way. She has no problem accepting me and the baggage that I would bring with me. It really is unconditional love. Has anyone gone through anything similar one way or the other?

How did things work out for you? Do you regret the decision you made leaving your family for your girlfriend or vise versa? 

I have been sick to my stomach with this and having to make a decision that either way is going to hurt someone.

Thanks Nick


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## kekkek (Apr 5, 2018)

You haven't left your wife, but you live with your girlfriend. And you keep telling your wife that you have broken up with the girlfriend, but she keeps finding out that you are still together with her. You must be some kind of charmer to get two women to put up with this kind of BS. I am not endorsing this situation, but you are either concerned with your wife or with C. You need to pick one and accept that you are going to hurt the other one.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Opasan1 said:


> My concern is hurting my wife and most importantly I don't want to devastate the boys by leaving





Opasan1 said:


> on the other hand I don't want to let C go because i have not had a connection with someone like i have with her. it really is magical and we both feel that way.


This, for me, is a no-brainer. I have not ever faced any similar situation.

Facts:

1) Your connection with C is not, in any way, magical. Rather, it is quite scientific, and can be explained with a rather complete understanding. You two are in limerence with each other.

This is a very good article on limerence.

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/david-sack-md/limerence_b_1627089.html

This limerence will go away, and neither of you will "feel this way", when it does. Your relationship to C will be much the same as that of you and your wife.

2) You made a solemn promise before God and witnesses that you would "keep yourself only unto" your wife, for as long as you both live. If you are to be a man of your word, and preserve your own dignity and self-respect, you will go back to your wife.

3) Your sons will be, indeed, devastated. You will most likely lose a close relationship to one or more of them if you leave. You will also teach all of your sons that it is "ok" to leave your wife and family, if it makes you feel good.

4) Your sons, and your wife, have done nothing to deserve being hurt. However, C has made a decision to commit adultery with you. And, C is a fully-adult person who does not depend upon you for physical and emotional provision, as your wife and family does.
While it is true that both C and your family will be hurt, C will be hurt far less.

5) There's no possible way that your wife and family can "compete" with your relationship with C. Your relationship to C, now, includes only "the good things" and "the fun things", without responsibility, without "the hard things". If you leave your wife and marry C, "the hard things" will join you....except that then, you will have "the hard things" of TWO families, instead of only one.

6) How are you going to feel, being married to a woman who has proven beyond any doubt that she is willing to have an affair with a married man ?



Opasan1 said:


> She has no problem accepting me and the baggage that I would bring with me. It really is unconditional love.


Yep. She loves you so much that she is willing to destroy your wife and your sons for her own gain.


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## Opasan1 (Aug 6, 2015)

Kind of... I am living with C because the wife kicked me out of the house these past 7 weeks. She doesn't know I am with her she thinks i am actually staying at her brothers place. I know weird. I care about my wife and obviously she still cares about me to put up with this for the past 9 months, but i feel like C is my perfect match. Grated its early, have been married for 12yrs, but its a deep feeling that we both have for one another and not some kind of puppy love. Its really hard on me.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Opasan1 said:


> Kind of... I am living with C because the wife kicked me out of the house these past 7 weeks. She doesn't know I am with her she thinks i am actually staying at her brothers place. I know weird. I care about my wife and obviously she still cares about me to put up with this for the past 9 months, but i feel like C is my perfect match. Grated its early, have been married for 12yrs, but its a deep feeling that we both have for one another and not some kind of puppy love. Its really hard on me.


Aw it’s really hard on you,you poor thing.
If you honestly think your wife believes that you are living with HER brother and that he hasn’t told her exactly what’s going on then you are in dreamland.With any luck your wife is allready preparing to divorce you and when you are paying alimony and child support your current girlfriend will soon see the downside of shacking up with you.Mind you seeing as she had no hesitation in having an affair with a married man who has two young children she won’t be long showing you the door when the next Mr Wonderful shows up.
You haven’t even the courage to tell your parents about your adultry.
You seem so confident that your wife will take you back and I have no doubt that you will use your children for emotional blackmail purposes.
What a fine man you are,really, what a fine man!


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## pbj2016 (May 7, 2017)

Opasan1 said:


> Kind of... I am living with C because the wife kicked me out of the house these past 7 weeks. She doesn't know I am with her she thinks i am actually staying at her brothers place. I know weird. I care about my wife and obviously she still cares about me to put up with this for the past 9 months, but i feel like C is my perfect match. Grated its early, have been married for 12yrs, but its a deep feeling that we both have for one another and not some kind of puppy love. Its really hard on me.




Wow. That last sentence shows the real problem. Self-centered and selfish to the core. Do your wife a huge favor and let her go find someone that isn’t you. Any chance you even once considered how your wife and children would think of your cute coffee dates?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Typical cheater in unicorn land.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

You can't just go back to your wife after this. You would have years of work to do after you realize the extent of what you've done to her, your boys and everyone else involved.

You already ended the marriage that once was. You should have divorced your wife prior to exploring a relationship with another woman.

End your marriage officially now and apologize profusely for your actions and you might have a decent relationship with your boys later. They will learn the exact extent of what you've done along with your parents and you'll regret it. It is extremely selfish to have tried to continue both relationships.

Know that your new girlfriend will be aware of how your relationship with her started and never quite trust you (as you should never fully trust her - she was willing to break up a marriage with kids).

Somewhere, in your not too distant future, lies reality. When you hit it, you'll know.

ETA: how will you feel when you have neither of them? A common outcome of this scenario....


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Opasan1 said:


> Hello readers.... I am hoping to get some advice and feedback from others on here that have dealt with what I am about to talk about and I guess how its worked out. Good or bad.
> 
> It started out as an unexpected little fling with a woman i met through work. It was just innocent banter every day and me bringing her coffee, but over say a month and a half we both started to take an interest in each other that we could tell was more than just silly chat. She is 31 single and I am currently married and 44 with two boys 10 and 7. So we ended up getting together and fooling around thinking it was just fun times and we move on. Well 9 months later and we are in love with one another and I am an emotional wreck because I don't know what to do.. My wifes parents know about this and so does my brother and his wife. My parents do not know as they are older and my brother feels that they would take it hard if they knew what was happening since I haven't left my wife.
> 
> ...


*Are you saying that your wife is oblivious to and does not know the true reason for your separation?*


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Opasan1 said:


> Kind of... I am living with C because the wife kicked me out of the house these past 7 weeks. She doesn't know I am with her she thinks i am actually staying at her brothers place. I know weird. I care about my wife and obviously she still cares about me to put up with this for the past 9 months, but i feel like C is my perfect match. Grated its early, have been married for 12yrs, but its a deep feeling that we both have for one another and not some kind of puppy love. Its really hard on me.


So you are STILL deceiving your wife.

OP....take a moment and REALLY look at yourself. Pretend you are looking at someone else objectively. What do you think of that person's character? Not to great, huh?

The "hard on you" is of your own making. YOU have chosen to create this situation.

Do you have any true empathy for your wife or children? What do you honestly think about the choices you are making? Is this the kind of person you want to be?

If not, the answer is simple.

Stop cheating. Go no-contact with this woman. Get into good counseling. Be transparent. BE a better person.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Your concern is not hurting your wife.
You have already done that. How do you think 
your children will react when they find out what
you have done. You say the woman you are cheating 
with has no problem with the situation. What kind of
woman cheats with a married man with two kids?
If they cheat with you they will cheat on you !!
Do you believe this? Your statement about it being 
really hard on you is BS. You are cheating on your 
wife and with your girlfriend. Really tough on you!!
How rough do you think it is on your wife and kids 
and girlfriend ?


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## *IrishEyes* (Apr 7, 2018)

I have been in a similar situation however, I was your wife. And here I am ten years after forgiving my husband, in this forum, looking to probably end my 30 year marriage. I will not condemn you or judge you however, I will tell you that your relationship with your affair partner was born from a lie and that the relationship has not withstood the test of time or reality. How will you and your "perfect match" hold up when you're paying child support and your kids and family hate you for what you've done to them? What will the "perfect match" be like when you are in the open and both of you become pariahs for how your relationship started? Statistically, people who move into a permanent relationship with their affair partner are pretty much doomed. The relationship has grown in a cloistered environment that is basically a manufactured, un-fettered by reality "magical" connection. Get off the fence and man-up one way or the other. You're trying to find a solution without consequences. The day you stepped into an extra-marital affair, consequences became inevitable. 

One more thing I will add having spent YEARS on the message boards of betrayed spouses - affairs are like opiates. They're addicting, unreal, unsustainable and destructive. What you're feeling about your affair partner may not be real at all. It may just be a drug that's masking and medicating unexplored pain and emotional wounds. Take the time to explore this with a therapist. Well worth the time and money. I would caution you not to trust this "magical" feeling you're feeling. It hardly ever works out when the the relationship is brought out into the light of day.


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## Opasan1 (Aug 6, 2015)

Irisheyes.... thanks for your insight. If my wide and I do break up it will be equal in terms of property and joint custody. That I am sure of. We both ant what’s best for the kids at that point. She actually makes quite a bit more than I so not sure how child support works with that. We both make enough to support our selves. 
It is a pretty messed up situation I got myself in but the more C and I talked and saw each other it was a chemistry that we couldn’t fight. She is a good person and all joking a side does feel terrible what’s happened to my marriage. She is always asking about how my wife is doing and the boys. It’s tough on her too. 

I suppose if things at home were better instead it was just let’s get through the day with work kids sports sleep then do it again. I never had the intention of cheating until it was too late basically because we had gotten ourselves all worked up and there was no turning back.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Opasan1 said:


> Hello readers.... I am hoping to get some advice and feedback from others on here that have dealt with what I am about to talk about and I guess how its worked out. Good or bad.
> 
> It started out as an unexpected little fling with a woman i met through work. It was just innocent banter every day and me bringing her coffee, but over say a month and a half we both started to take an interest in each other that we could tell was more than just silly chat. She is 31 single and I am currently married and 44 with two boys 10 and 7. So we ended up getting together and fooling around thinking it was just fun times and we move on. Well 9 months later and we are in love with one another and I am an emotional wreck because I don't know what to do.. My wifes parents know about this and so does my brother and his wife. My parents do not know as they are older and my brother feels that they would take it hard if they knew what was happening since I haven't left my wife.
> 
> ...


OMG, you are no different from any other cheater who lies, cake eats and things he is special and his relationship is magical.
Be honest with yourself and tell your wife the truth. Then sign the divorce papers. I hope your wife finds a good man who is worthy of her and the kids have a man in their lives who show them what it is to be a family man and a leader, not a man who lets his penis rule his head.
As for you I believe the magic and rainbows will wear off when you spend enough time with the GF. However, you made your bed, now lie in it. When your GF wants the full works with kids, etc, the sex drops, kids take up her time, etc you will be back to square one, how magical will it all be then? You are a fool to throw away your family like thrash, but if your wife has any sense she will dump you and get a shark of a lawyer.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Opasan1 said:


> Kind of... I am living with C because the wife kicked me out of the house these past 7 weeks. She doesn't know I am with her she thinks i am actually staying at her brothers place. I know weird. I care about my wife and obviously she still cares about me to put up with this for the past 9 months, but i feel like C is my perfect match. Grated its early, have been married for 12yrs, but its a deep feeling that we both have for one another and not some kind of puppy love. Its really hard on me.


Poor baby!


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

First off, would you PLEASE just be a man and make a decision. 

You either want your GF or you want your wife. So either way you have got to stop being such a puss.

Just get it done already.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Go be with the love of your life. 

Put in for a divorce and marry her and live your dream life. 

Remember, KARMA is a ***** and she usually repays you threefold.


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## Townes (Jan 31, 2018)

Sounds pretty clear you're not ready to stop seeing this chick, so what is it you want to hear from people exactly? Permission, blessing, that everything will turn out okay?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Lets be clear about this. You understand that C is not a good person. She is an immoral, cheating, despicable POS. Just so that you know who the love of your life is. But that is OK because you are no different.

The least you should do is give your wife the most amicable divorce you can and make sure she gets everything. Agree on a generous alimony amount as well as child support. Then go be with C the cheating POS. Lets see how long this lasts before C moves on to her next target.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Opasan1 said:


> Kind of... I am living with C because the wife kicked me out of the house these past 7 weeks. She doesn't know I am with her she thinks i am actually staying at her brothers place. I know weird. I care about my wife and obviously she still cares about me to put up with this for the past 9 months, but *i feel like C is my perfect match. *Grated its early, have been married for 12yrs, but* its a deep feeling that we both have for one another and not some kind of puppy love. Its really hard on me.*


Why not just divorce your wife, so she can be free of the chain connecting her to you?

Then you can live in lala land with your affair partner...until it wears off.

When you come to your senses, if you have divorced your wife, hopefully she will not give you the time of day and will have a new beau who adores her and is FAITHFUL.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Relationships that begin off as affairs are trainwrecks. They almost never last, statistics bear this out. Maybe you will be the exception, but likely not. Once you choose, the magic and excitement will die off and one or both of you will get bored, realize they aren't so great or one will cheat on the other. Because let's face it, who can trust a cheater, especially one that cheated with you.


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