# How to proceed



## RHope84 (2 mo ago)

Thanks for the advice


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## RHope84 (2 mo ago)

Thanks for the advice


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

RHope84 said:


> He said no to therapy because he didn’t do anything wrong.


Maybe he didn't do anything wrong in the past. 

But he is harming the marriage further now. 

Marriage counseling (MC) and marital therapy can help you each find more constructive and effective means of conflict resolution and methods of repairing the damage. 

You may have set your marriage on fire, but he is doing just as much harm by stomping on it and peeing on it.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Has he always been an ass?


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

RHope84 said:


> He said no to therapy because he didn’t do anything wrong.


Therapy is NOT about who did wrong. 

The two of you need marriage counseling, although to be honest, it doesn't sound good. If it wasn't for the children, I might be suggesting splitting up. 

I repeat, it's not about telling you who did wrong. It's about trying to fix it. You need a really tough counselor. 


RHope84 said:


> he didn’t realize he was cheating and it didn’t last as long as mine did.


I love it.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

You're sifting through ashes.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

If you didn't have six kids, I'd say leave for sure. But, not sure having six kids is a reason to stay in a toxic relationship, either. Ugh, this is a tough one. 

What you did was wrong, but your husband's response...that he actually wants to have sex with other women now, is really a strange reaction. 

I don't know, why do you want to ''save'' this marriage? It doesn't sound like a good environment to raise your kids.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

You can only control yourself and your actions and what you will tolerate.

If you think being called names, being cheated on, and then forced into a one sided open marriage is acceptable to you, then by all means, carry on. If you let him know you will not tolerate that treatment and he refuses to budge, then you must follow through and leave him. 

Regardless, your EA was wrong. I suspect you felt justified because of his “not that big of a deal” affair, but you’re damaging yourself with that behavior, not just your sham of a marriage. You need to seek counseling for yourself, it sounds like you’ve been in a neglectful and abusive situation for awhile.


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## Tiddytok5 (8 mo ago)

RHope84 said:


> I recently had a three year online affair with someone I knew as a child. We talked on and off the last three years. My husband and I have been together for 22 years married 17 years. We have 6 children together. I’ve never met this guy in person, we’ve only conversed through social media. No phone calls, FaceTimes. Things did get explicit with talking about a year ago, since that lil period, that stopped because I really wasn’t attracted to him in that way. I enjoyed the conversation and occasional flirting, but again I ended that. We would talk from time to time via social media, like happy Mother’s Day, and I’d say thank you. This man was also married. My husband found out, once confronted I did lie, I said the guy was just a friend I’d talk to from time to time. My husband wanted to know everything, like every single detail over the last three years which was difficult because I truly didn’t remember every single conversation. I didn’t have them saved, so I’m going off of pure memory. Again I have 6 kids and I’m a stay at home mom, a very involved mom and one of my kids is special needs. I’ve apologized, explained to my husband it was me and me being insecure and selfish. I know what I did is wrong, I make no excuses. Here’s where I ask for some advise. My husband out the gate of finding out said he wants to talk to other woman online for the next three years. Then it went to well, I want to talk to them Ana FaceTime them. Now it’s morphed into he should be able to pursue women in the state we live in, have sex with them or whatever he wants. He feels I should give him that and ask no questions. I know people get upset and act and say things out of anger, for the last 5 months, he’s constantly calls me all sorts of names very loudly, like dirty, nasty *, slu*, hoe*, he always says he hates me, if it’s a derogatory name I’ve been called it. I want to save my marriage but I also know I hurt him and that’s a lot of ask. So what do I do? He’s cheated before with a coworker, he says they didn’t sleep together but they worked together alone and we lived in the same town, our kids went to the same school. He says his really didn’t count because at the time he didn’t realize he was cheating and it didn’t last as long as mine did. Now prior to us getting married, like 4 years before when I was in high school I had sex with another boy….but I was 17. He still says I’m who* a* bitc* for that. Has anyone dealt with this or have any advise on how to proceed.


There's nothing to save.

Both of you have been cheating on one another.

Both of you have been abusive towards one another.

Both of you have played and toyed with the others emotions.

Both of you have disrespected and didn't hold the relationship, and one another into high regards.

Both of you are married to one another, and that never stopped either of you from cheating.

Both of you are unhealthy and unhappy.

This relationship has run it's course.


Both of you don't need to stay together.

You two need to divorce and make arrangements for joint custody and visitations.

This is a toxic dysfunctional unhealthy environment for all to remain in.

Let it go,

Finally
Like you should have done a very long time ago.


You need to get an outside job and make plans and arrangements for you to live apart.


You shouldn't want to remain in an unhealthy abusive toxic relationship and environment...

Nor, should you ever want your children to grow up in one.


Stop using the children as an excuse not to leave because you may be afraid and scared to be on your own and divorced.

Doesn't matter if you have a child or 20, children don't need to be raised in unhealthy chaotic environments like this.


You and your husband owe them peace of mind.
They probably would love for you two to divorce, so they wouldn't have to be exposed to this...


The arguments, yelling, the crying, insults, abuse, etc...


The both of you are intentionally tramautizing them by staying together.


You probably knew who you were about to marry and have children with prior....but ignored it all for the sake of titles.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

You're going to have to let him vent. And you're going to have to apologize profusely and do some heavy lifting.

That said, you don't have to tolerate him stepping out of the marriage. He wants to take a pound of flesh because you took a tablespoon.

He's mad. And it will take some time for him to work through that. You have to let him work through that and offer to help.

Hopefully he doesn't keep verbally abusing you like that. That's wrong.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

If he wants to have sex with other women, then you have nothing.

Work that point out as priority one, if he is serious, it is over.


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## RHope84 (2 mo ago)

RHope84 said:


> He said no to therapy because he didn’t do anything wrong.


To add to this, my husband has never been like this, he’s extremely hurt. At times in our marriage he said he’s felt deprived of sex. In my defense, he could’ve been. At moments in our marriage I was very overwhelmed being a sahm, we didn’t have any family to help. He works a lot, I did have a lot of time on my hands. I recently started working, so I can help with the finances. I know I hurt my husband so bad and that everyone has their breaking points. When I say to him, I don’t think I can handle you being sexual with another woman. Then he says we should just divorce. I feel horrible, I want my children to have their father. I know this is all my fault…I just feel so bad.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

RHope84 said:


> To add to this, my husband has never been like this, he’s extremely hurt. At times in our marriage he said he’s felt deprived of sex. In my defense, he could’ve been. At moments in our marriage I was very overwhelmed being a sahm, we didn’t have any family to help. He works a lot, I did have a lot of time on my hands. I recently started working, so I can help with the finances. I know I hurt my husband so bad and that everyone has their breaking points. When I say to him, I don’t think I can handle you being sexual with another woman. Then he says we should just divorce. I feel horrible, I want my children to have their father. I know this is all my fault…I just feel so bad.


He's being an ass.

I don't see anything to save here. He's holding pre-him sex against you. He doesn't hold anything he's done against himself and now he's using the online Affair to beat you down and try to open the marriage. Which pretty sure he already did that but he now doesn't want to hide it.

Divorce and make sure to give him primary custody of these 6 kids.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

RHope84 said:


> When I say to him, I don’t think I can handle you being sexual with another woman. Then he says we should just divorce. I feel horrible, I want my children to have their father. I know this is all my fault…I just feel so bad.



Any reason to believe he would turn his back on the children and abandon them and not have anything to do with them if you were to divorce? 

If not, then they will still have their father,,, it's just that you and he will not be together under the same roof. 

Therapy is not about assigning guilt or labeling who is at fault. It is about learning to communicate and expressing needs effectively and finding constructive conflict resolution and repair of damage. 

As I said above, you may have damaged your marriage with the affair, but he is damaging it now with his aggression and abuse. 

He has a right to divorce you. That would be a perfectly legit thing to do and it would be within his right. 

And he has the right to try to reconcile and try to save the marriage and live a healthy and loving life with you if that is his choice. 

But what he doesn't have the right to do keep you within the marriage so that he can torment and hurt and punish you. 

You have the right to offer divorce or reconciliation and you have the right to have him choose between a healthy and constructive reconciliation or a reasonable and humane divorce. 

But you are not obligated to remain a hostage within an abuse and mean spirited marriage where he torments and belittles and mistreats you.


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## Tiddytok5 (8 mo ago)

RHope84 said:


> To add to this, my husband has never been like this, he’s extremely hurt. At times in our marriage he said he’s felt deprived of sex. In my defense, he could’ve been. At moments in our marriage I was very overwhelmed being a sahm, we didn’t have any family to help. He works a lot, I did have a lot of time on my hands. I recently started working, so I can help with the finances. I know I hurt my husband so bad and that everyone has their breaking points. When I say to him, I don’t think I can handle you being sexual with another woman. Then he says we should just divorce. I feel horrible, I want my children to have their father. I know this is all my fault…I just feel so bad.



Stop making excuses for him.


Stop letting him victimize himself to manipulate and shame you.

Collectively it's both of your fault.

It was (is) up to the both of you to no longer remain in an unhealthy relationship.

Some things aren't repairable, nor meant to last forever.

Like this.


Your relationship was over a long time ago but you stayed and tolerated it..

You allegedly just began cheating on him 3 years ago as an escape and coping mechanism to help you stay in a crappy situation..


Also as a means to explore your options. 

You know your marriage is crappy . You have known it a long time.

You know that you deserve better and was looking for an "out" from this person because you aren't brave enough not have the self esteem to make an out for yourself, and to execute that out.


You both should have ended things a long time ago, or never have progressed in the relationship to marriage or children together.




It's up to him to remain a father and be active in the children's life regardless..not yours.


If he stopped being in their lives, it's his fault and not yours.


As long as he remains in their active in their lives (if he even is) they'll always have him.


Stop letting him abuse, manipulate and guilt trip you into staying and caving into his demands.


Do what's best for everyone.

That is divorce ...

Even if you or your children don't realize it now, it's for the best in the long run.


Let's be honest..

He probably hasn't been a great or good husband or father.

He's probably cheated the entire relationship or alot of the times he claims to be working.


Alot of times he works long hours to avoid you and the children as much as he can. He doesn't want to be in the chaos of that..also to cheat.

He's probably not working as much as he claims.

He isn't going to stop cheating..unless he wants to.


There's nothing that can save this marriage.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

two wrongs don't make a right, i get he is mad but let's be honest he is no freaking angel here and if he thinks he can gaslight you into believing he can seek out sex with other women i would tell him he can do it as a single man because you will not accept that at all.....tell him that while you are sorry that you hurt him and you will do everything in your power to make it up to him you will not put up with him cheating again either.....your husband to be honest (while i get he is angry) is playing the guilt card on you to get sex elsewhere....DON NOT ACCEPT THIS in any way.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

RHope84 said:


> When I say to him, I don’t think I can handle you being sexual with another woman. Then he says we should just divorce.


Call his bluff. It may take you getting serious about that for him to start working toward trying to fix this... although you both totally screwed up... this is never going to a good relationship with these scars as part of it.


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