# Still hanging on, but cant take much longer



## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

man, i am having a hard, hard time dealing with this sh*t. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I gave our marriage a deadline of 2012 but i dont think i can hold on that long. So many things are wrong but can never be fixed because he doesnt try. 

so i find myself turning to the internet again.

things have gotten so much worse since the last time i posted. the same things are going on but much worse because he doesnt help me with anything. let me give some background.

he works 12 hours days, from 4:00am to 4:00pm. For some stupid reason, {he says it is because of the person who comes pick him up} he gets up at 2:00 takes a shower, gets dressed and then waits for his ride. {he cant drive due to a dwi last year} Whenever i mention that it seems a bit early, he gets defensive. tells me he doesnt have a choice because of whoever picks him and that his job manatory has to be there 15 minutes early. so he has to be there at 345. ok, so why does he leave at 3? what does he do for that 45 minutes? oh, he sits in the break room and drinks coffee. but all this just started last year when we started having marriage trouble. Plus i find it hard to swallow when he comes home at 5ish. telling me he just got off work and this and that again. And i cant help but think he is lying. {if he has to be there 15 minutes early, doesnt the next shift also have to be there 15 minutes early? i understand that he has to clean up his area before he leaves but why does it take him so long, then of course he says he has to wait for the person who brings him home but shouldnt they all get off at the same time if they work the same shift?} Plus, a few times i have smelled beer on his breathe so he finally admited to driving around with his friend, driving in the truck drinking before he comes home. AND DOESNT UNDERSTAND WHY I GOT UPSET! he actual told me, why are you mad, its not like i am the one driving!!!!! OKay...... so if he gets pulled over for ANY reason yes, he will get the dwi, but stupidaZZ will still go to jail because he is on probation for his dwi. But this did and does not concern him.

So many problems in our marriage. Any how, back to the one that is bugging me the most. Since he started this job, i have done and maintained everything else since i only work part time, frid and sat 9am to 9pm. Plus i always did all the bills, housework, children, and things like that anyway. But now, 5 years ago we bought a house. it was built in 1930 and negelated for many years. needs alot of TLC. so i have been painting, and redoing floors and windows, trying to cut out a nice yard and garden. the kitchen needs a major redo. and we did plumbing and put in a central h/a last year, so i took out the wall units, still have holes in the wall.

lately, i say lately but it has always been this way, just getting worse lately. He doesnt help with anything. perfectly happy with ugly, damaged windows, or the screen door not closing squarely, or the fence broken in areas, or whatever. those kinds of things drive me nuts. I come from a background where you took care of the things you have, fix what is broken as soon as you can afford it, and have pride in your house, home and family. I actually know more about fixing and building things then he does {my dad is a carpenter and i have no brothers}. So i have a good idea on how to get a project started, and what the end result should be, and improvise in between. But i also have the desire to get the job done right and make it look good, and if i dont know i find out. Simply said, he doesnt. And he gets really offended when i try to tell him how to do it. most of the time, it is just easiler for me to do it myself, although now i have so many projects underway {started on the windows when we moved in and still not done} and there are just some things i cant do {after 5 kids, and a broken femur, i am overweight and out of shape} so things are not getting done. and i cant get him to help or it seems even care.

his excuse, well he works. which has been an old agruement. he thinks i am not supportive enough {which i admit after the sh*t last year, i gave up} but it doesnt matter how or what i tell him. i just cant deal with it anymore.okay, i understand his job is hard, and he gets tired. but he has days off. besides i have already begged him for help, told him {last year} that i am over whelmed, i cant do it all. 

So sh*t has hit the fan this week. But i go back a little futher. On the 16th i went to my parents to pick up the kids {they visit off and on all summer}, that weekend, all he did was water the garden. Before i left, i told him that we need to weed it. so when i get back, the weeds are higher then the garden and the house was a wreck. i actually did not say anything, i just weeded the garden and cleaned the house. his schedule at work is crazy, but he had a day off. we needed to do so much work on the house, but he wanted to go to the lake, so i say okay, lets go. {had a good time too}, then he goes back to work and has been working for the past 7 days. his first day off was scheduled wednesday, and thursday so i wanted to go camp at the lake. {he had said he did too} But on tuesday night, he got wasted. To the point that when he got home, at 11, he started a fight with my daughter, and then went inside and promptly pasted out on the bathroom floor. around 1am, i got up to go to the bathroom and hit him with the door. he woke up and started fighting with me. Not right away. Not until i asked him where he was and he wouldnt tell me. he ended up calling me names, and telling me that i just dont understand him. that he works and he is tired and his knees hurt and his arms and shoulder and back hurt and that all i ever do is harass him and nothing he ever does is good enough and he hates the house being a mess, and he doesnt know why i get mad when he drinks, because i dont understand that he needs to relax. 

it is all about him. he doesnt think or appreciate all that i do. i actually was making a good effort to have the house kind of clean when he got home every night. so wed, he slept until 1, and today, he did nothing but watch tv. 

meanwhile, i am still doing everything, and the house is falling apart. the washer is dying, the dryer is dying, the screen door hasnt shut right for a year, the fence needs work, the yard is overgrown, having trouble with my 15 year old boy and other children. the vehicles need tending to{which he doesnt even look at, he even told me one time when i asked him to check the oil, why should he, he doesnt drive them.} plus the things in the house that need to be done. And on top of that, i havent asked him or harassed him about anything, even his drinking. 

i dont know what to do. i am so tired

sorry if this doesnt make sense, my head is spinning with all this.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Mrs V-
I'm very sorry to hear things are no better.


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## husbandinthemking (Oct 3, 2008)

MrsVain said:


> man, i am having a hard, hard time dealing with this sh*t. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I gave our marriage a deadline of 2012 but i dont think i can hold on that long. So many things are wrong but can never be fixed because he doesnt try.
> 
> so i find myself turning to the internet again.
> 
> ...


Sounds like he needs a wake-up call. My wife gave me one. She found another guy who would listen to her(unlike myself)

It was my fault that she did what she did. I couldnt blame her. I was being an ahole to her for years.

The only way I realized how much I loved her was when she told me she was going to live with the other guy.

Luckily, I read a bunch of books on the subject that helped save my ass.

Good luck. Hope my story helps a bit.


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

Yeah, i really think it is over. A marriage takes 2 people and he just doesnt seem to want to help, or care or try. everyone is telling me to do as you suggested, divorce or separate. i guess i was just too stubborn to admit it was done and couldnt be fixed. 

so i am now in the process of figuring out how i am going to do this. tell him, tell the kids, tell the parents and family. do we separate or divorce or what. i will never cheat on him because i took my vows seriously, but it more because of the way i am then anything to do with him. More than likely i will never marry again. but that doesnt have anything to do with it. 

so not sure how i am going to get the ball in motion. i am thinking this weekend, or after the 4th of july, he has a weekend off and i was planning on taking my kids to my parents house for the holidays. i have waited 3 -4 years a few more weeks wont matter. and it might be the last good time we have as a family.

i am just so sad about it. never wanted to end up divorce. but i also never wanted to feel so unloved and uncared for either. been crying for the past 4 days, crying at work right now as i write this, but he has neither noticed or cared. 

there is just nothing left to do.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

So sorry you are unhappy and sad. Chin up! You can do this. Hang in there. We are here when you need us.....


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## sparkside1 (Jun 26, 2010)

I think a separation is in order here! I was the same, didn't appreciate my wife for all the things she did. Din't show her affection or spend enough time with her. She asked for a separation and then had an affair. After 4 years of her trying to get through to me, I had my wake up call. I feel like a complete idiot for the way I treated her and although we are still separated 4 months on...She knows that I've finally changed and learned my lesson. Will we get back together? I don't know but what I do know is that it woke me up to all my failings. Not just in my marriage but in all my relationships. If you have reached the end of the line, don't go for divorce, just separate and make him think that it's over. It will either make him wake up or he'll show you that he didn't care at all and you need to move on with your life.


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

husbandinthemking said:


> Sounds like he needs a wake-up call. My wife gave me one. She found another guy who would listen to her(unlike myself)
> 
> It was my fault that she did what she did. I couldnt blame her. I was being an ahole to her for years.
> 
> ...



It takes a much stronger man to wake up. I'm glad it worked out for you. My husband might be a lost cause. He's a depressed alcoholic who no longer wants me around, because he wants to be alone. I won't leave and I won't give up. I think he needs help or at the very least needs to understand the choices he makes. The funny thing is I accept them. Because the man he is under the periodic depression and alcohol usage is a man that I LOVE to love. I'll go without sex or affection for long periods of time, and I struggle to stay. But I stay. I'm sorry you wife strayed, but I'm glad that you two got through it.


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