# Covert contracts?



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

I am having trouble with understanding this consept.

Some examples.

If your generous in the bedroom is it wrong to expect reciprocation? 

If your wife does more than her share of household chores is it wrong to expect reciprocation? 


I don't feel appreciated is often voiced. Is that a covet contract?

I do all the laundry,dishes,run te kids around etc. And I'm resentful is a frequent complaint amongst women.

How are they different are the not both covet contracts?


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

chillymorn69 said:


> I am having trouble with understanding this consept.
> 
> Some examples.
> 
> ...


A covert contract is when you plan the reciprocity you expect from your partner in your own head and don't say anything.

For example, thinking "If I do more housework, she'll have sex with me more often." In this case, you are doing the housework not because it's right to handle your fair share around the house, or even do more than your fair share because you recognize your partner is exhausted or because you have more time, but because you expect payment in sexual favours.

If you are generous in the bedroom because you are a kind person, well, hopefully you have married a kind person who reciprocates. But maybe your spouse is a selfish person and reciprocity won't happen. Being even more sexually generous and expecting to finally get reciprocity is a covert contract.

A covert contract is also connecting two unconnected things. There should be very little connection between housework and sex. Housework is something that people who share a household should also share. Sex is something two intimate partners should do together for fun.

They do have some limited connection, in that some people can't relax enough for sex if they know there are chores undone, or some people are too exhausted for sex because they have been doing so many chores. But nobody should expect sex just because they have done some housework.

It doesn't have to be housework, of course; I'm just going by your example.

Another example would be "I work 60 hours a week, so my spouse doesn't have to work. In return, my spouse should be ready and willing to have sex whenever I want."

Basically, a covert contract is any thinking that revolves around "I do X, so I should get Y in return."

But also, it's not wrong to expect reciprocity. That's what unselfish people who love each other do. So if you give and give, and get nothing in return, your spouse could be selfish and/or doesn't love you. It could also be that your spouse is generous and loves you, and is reciprocating from their perspective, but in ways that you don't notice, or don't value/appreciate.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Thanks, you explination makes sence.


But what i was getting at is when women act resentfull because they feel unappreciated because they precieve that they do more than their husband.

Is that not a covert contract?


So to combat the feelings of resentment weather in the bedroom or kitchen/chores the solution would be to do less. Quit doing extra and either they pick up the slack or eat off dirty dishes. Quit being generous in the bedroom and they can take care of themselves if they arn't satisfied. 


Hmm seems like a crappy way to be but I digress


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

For some reason I came here expecting a synopsis of a spy or crime movie.

Isn't this just expectations?

Besides a contract is something both parties agree on correctly? So how to agree on something if it's covert... unless a spy or crime movie? lol


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Let me try to explain the alternate. I use to have a dog that taught me the meaning of unconditional love.

Real unconditional love is hard to find between a husband and wife, but if it is there, then there are no covert contracts, as things are offered because of pure love of giving or delight in watching your spouse receive the gift.

The key to figuring out if something is a covert contract is asking your self, why did I do this? do I have any expectations? How will I feel if she ignores what I did?

If ever in doubt, tell your spouse that I am doing w for you for a variety of reasons (x, y, z) and would like you to do omega for me.

A covert contract is a quid pro quo that is all in your mind that your spouse has not agreed to and has no concept of fulfilling.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Are giving christmass presents or birthday gifts covert?

How about expecting Valentine's day gifts?

There seems like there is some gray


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

chillymorn69 said:


> Are giving christmass presents or birthday gifts covert?
> 
> How about expecting Valentine's day gifts?
> 
> There seems like there is some gray


In the US, I would see these are NOT covert. You should be expected to give and receive on those days.

The NMMNG coverts are (as it was written for men) to expect sex/sex acts for doing something like chores. I am sure you could come up with other examples, but primarily its about getting more sex.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Let's say, you get a puppy. The puppy is cute and adorable and wiggly and makes you smile and you love it. But, it doesn't know how to fetch. So, you start giving it treats hoping it will learn to fetch. You buy more and more and different and more expensive and different flavors and types - of treats. But the stupid dog still won't fetch. Now, you've never demonstrated "fetch". You've never thrown the stick, or even said "fetch". But, you've been showering this idiot creature with treats for a couple months now and it's just so stupid and useless because it's never once fetched for you. So, you double down. More treats. But still no fetching. At this point, you're practically foaming at the mouth in your frustration and resentment. You've spent a small fortune on treats and the damned dog just eats them happily while doing nothing for you in return. Why should you keep giving such a useless moron treats?!?! So, you stop. And you sulk. Maybe there's some silent treatment. Maybe there's some yelling. What there definitely is, is a whole lot of barely concealed resentment. So much, in fact, that the dog can tell something's wrong and starts shying away from you. Which just makes you madder. You've done everything, EVERYTHING, and received absolutely nothing in return! After a while, you're so mad that you decide you'll show that stupid dog. So, you stop playing with the dog, put him in the yard outside to keep himself company, and get yourself a new dog. One who will, hopefully, be more capable of showing you the gratitude you deserve! 

Congratulations, you've just completed a covert contract. 

The same exact thing happens all the time in relationships. One partner starts doing something expecting to be rewarded in a particular way. They don't tell their partner what they expect of course. After all, if their partner really loved them, they'd just _know_. 

Covert contracts are not just expectations. It's doing something "nice" for someone expecting a particular form of 'payment', but never actually telling your partner what form that payment should take. It's giving out treats (love, affection, sex, money, effort, time, whatever) and expecting a specific return on investment, without ever indicating what you'd like or expect in return. Your partner returns your affection with affection, and you're pissed. Because you expected to be paid in sex. But you don't ever say so, because if she really loved you, she'd just know. I mean, it's so very obvious! To you. But maybe not to her. But it should be, because if she loved you, she'd know the right way to do things! And you won't lower yourself to actually have a conversation about it. Because you shouldn't have to! Because you're passive-aggressive and conflict avoidant, and if she really loved you, she'd just know! :slap:


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Covert contracts are easily avoided by just saying whatever your expectations are. If one person wants something and just communicates it then it can be negotiated by both sides and a solution can be reached. With a covert contract there is no negotiation/discussion which is why there is misunderstanding, frustration, and resentment building up.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

i think if you were to poll couples separately and asked them if their spouse appreciate all they do for them and the family...i think each party would generally say "no they don't" 

in the same way that if we asked any worker working for a company if they appreciate all their hard work you would get the same answer "no they don't"

there is a fine line with having to tell someone all you do and hope they see it for themselves...most of us are blind to that...


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I'm not sure covert contracts are bad. 

It's how people think. If A then B. There's very little that people do for the heck of it. There are always expectations of B if we do A. We can sugar coat it all we want but it is what it is.

In business we have the concept of implied merchantability. I don't think interpersonal relations are much different. You have expectations in any situation based on population stereotypes. Plus or minus a click, but not 10 clicks..


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I tend to think that covert contracts cause pain because of their very nature. For some reason many rely on mind reading or a spouse just "getting it" rather than using our words to express our wishes or expectations.

Covert contracts abound where people do not establish their boundaries and follow through on those boundaries.

The mom who constantly cleans up the kids' rooms, rather than ask, set expectations, then exact consequences for failure is but one example of someone on the quick path to anger and resentment from their own making... Via covert contract.

I think of it as any expectation that I might set where the other party is not explicitly aware of my expectations. I constantly ask myself if I can put the same dependability into others if I haven't made clear my very wishes. My answer is always no, therefore I try to always ask and express what I need.

If expectations are explicitly known, and then ignored or disregarded, then my upset has nothing to do with my lack of clarity. It has everything to do with the person choosing to ignore my boundaries or wishes, and I can then act accordingly. 

Not sure if that makes sense.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I think Rowan posted a good example. I think covert contracts (mainly because it is so prominently high lighted in NMMNG) is most often used in reference to men, but it only makes sense that women are guilty of it as well. So some women withhold sex because the man isn't meeting some other expectation (after all we are told that men are just dogs who only need sex and food to survive). I think the key is that in a covert contract X is done and Y is expected or X is expected but not given so Y is with held. Reciprocity is more about expecting more X because you gave more X. So I think a key is the differences in "payment" that is expected for whatever has been provided. Payment is kind is reciprocity. Another key difference is communication. A decision made by one side is not communicated to the other and leads to resentment due to unfulfilled expectations.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think "covert contract" is a very fuzzy concept. 

There are all sorts of things that are expected in a loving relationship - I don't see those as "covert" even if no specific set of expectations has been laid out.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Those who don't believe in CC's either have a very idealistic view of humanity or haven't been burned yet.

When I buy a car I expect it to last 150000 miles with customary maintenance. If I get married I expect my spouse to play by the established rules and traditions unless discussed and agreed upon ahead of time.

Anything we do is based on the rules of human thinking:

- maximize rewards
- minimize risks

Not too difficult to understand.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

chillymorn69 said:


> But what i was getting at is when women act resentfull because they feel unappreciated because they precieve that they do more than their husband.
> 
> Is that not a covert contract?
> 
> ...


No that's not a covert contract. It is an unmet expectation. She expected a different balance in household chores.

Doing less is a passive aggressive reaction. The goal of the passive aggressive behavior is to get the other person to do something (or to get them to feel upset).

Doing less could also be a tactic to teach the other person what you are doing. The housewife who goes on strike is trying to show the family how much she is doing. She can be passive aggressive about it and just stop doing anything, or she can be be direct about it and tell them she is no longer doing XYZ under the current circumstances. The second approach is a boundary or a re-negotiation.

Nice Guys are good at passive aggressive, but it doesn't get the desired result!

A covert contract is a more direct connection rather than a generalized connection. For example, it would be reasonable to expect a good sex life with your wife, but not if she is overloaded with housework while you're sitting around watching sports and drinking beer. _Generally_, you doing more housework may lead to more sex, as an indirect result of your W feeling less overworked. You recognize that her needs are not being met, and she is not happy with the relationship. This is not necessarily a covert contract if your goal in doing more chores is to reduce your wife's burden and to help her feel happier _by doing your fair share of the work_. In this way you are choosing to meet her needs.

It becomes a covert contract when you directly connect the sex to doing the dishes today. You vacuumed the floors and did the dishes, so now she should be giving you sex tonight. That is a direct covert contract. You aren't doing the chores to meet her needs, you are doing it to get your own needs met as a direct pay-back.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

The way I have seen covert contracts used is (personal examples):

With post-D live-in g/f... I lecture nights often, am a night owl, would tell her to wake me from couch when she came home from work. She wouldn't. Then griped about me not being awake when she got home.

I have a room set aside for my side job / hobby. To some, it is messy. But I know exactly where everything is. The other person enjoyed seeing it when it made enough $ to take short trips. Then you hear how nasty it is, right when the "re-writing of history" is taking place.

You can leave the toothpaste cap off..... never complained before but now do.

You drink a few beers watching the game, so does she. Then she stops watching the game with you and drinking around you. Then declares you have a drinking problem. While she drinks hard liquor..... in secret.

You don't cook homemade chili like you used to
You don't mow the yard like you used to
YD listen to me LYUT
YD (insert anything) LYUT 

Best response...... If you think I am doing it incorrectly, model how it should be done for me. Or if you think I am performing the task so abhorrently, what about you doing it?

When they refuse both..... chances are likely they just wanted to scream n gripe to hear their ass roar.....


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

uhtred said:


> I think "covert contract" is a very fuzzy concept.
> 
> There are all sorts of things that are *expected *in a loving relationship - I don't see those as "covert" even if *no specific set* of expectations has been laid out.


Change "expectations" to goals/wishes/desires and "laid out" to discussed and shared in a likewise loving fashion then I think you have the very heart of a covert contract. Many of us want a relationship with a specific person, not a definition of contractual expectation of someone, somewhere defined as a "loving relationship". In fact, that does not sound "loving" to me at all.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

chillymorn69 said:


> But what i was getting at is when women act resentfull because they feel unappreciated because they precieve that they do more than their husband.


LOL. "Perceive."

In the overwhelming majority of cases, women DO work *much* harder than men.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

So this is about housework? Been there, done that, saw the movie, burned down the theater, sold all the tee shirts, whatever . .. . . . 
Communication is only one way to eliminate the dreaded Covert Contract. There is another more internal method. I call it realistically lowered expectations. For example my Brother calls me up and asks if he can borrow $100.00 for whatever. I could assume a Covert contract, and think that some day he will pay me the money. Or I could communicate the contract verbally or in writing spelling out exactly when I expect him to pay the money back. Both of these will yield the same result. My brother will get $100.00, I won't ever be repaid, and I will be frustrated.
Applying the realistically lowered expectation to this situation. I would look over my finances, decide if I can afford to lose $100.00, and If I can I hand over the cash with a handshake. 3 months later, when I see my brother again, he doesn't pay me back, but I'm not frustrated, because realistically I knew that he was not going to repay me, I have a long history on non payment to make that expectation realistic. In fact any frustration that I might feel is entirely my fault for expecting the sun to rise in the west. 
Now if it just so happens that on the fifth month, my brother shows up at my door with $50.00, I'm delighted, because I got lucky and recovered some lost money, and that feels a lot better than feeling frustrated that I didn't get all the money back.
You can apply this to your relationship problem.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> LOL. "Perceive."
> 
> In the overwhelming majority of cases, women DO work *much* harder than men.


Perspective is a better word, from your perspective women do work harder than men. So if I was you I would change the position you are viewing life from because what you just said is pure BS


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Ynot said:


> Perspective is a better word, from your perspective women do work harder than men. So if I was you I would change the position you are viewing life from because what you just said is pure BS


Just another route to derail a thread and turn it into a god damn gender war......


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I've seen both in relationship. Why do you think its on average biased that way? 



She'sStillGotIt said:


> LOL. "Perceive."
> 
> In the overwhelming majority of cases, women DO work *much* harder than men.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> LOL. "Perceive."
> 
> In the overwhelming majority of cases, women DO work *much* harder than men.


Nah, they just overvalue their contributions.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I really like the illustration by @Rowan


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Rowan said:


> Let's say, you get a puppy. The puppy is cute and adorable and wiggly and makes you smile and you love it. But, it doesn't know how to fetch. So, you start giving it treats hoping it will learn to fetch. You buy more and more and different and more expensive and different flavors and types - of treats. But the stupid dog still won't fetch. Now, you've never demonstrated "fetch". You've never thrown the stick, or even said "fetch". But, you've been showering this idiot creature with treats for a couple months now and it's just so stupid and useless because it's never once fetched for you. So, you double down. More treats. But still no fetching. At this point, you're practically foaming at the mouth in your frustration and resentment. You've spent a small fortune on treats and the damned dog just eats them happily while doing nothing for you in return. Why should you keep giving such a useless moron treats?!?! So, you stop. And you sulk. Maybe there's some silent treatment. Maybe there's some yelling. What there definitely is, is a whole lot of barely concealed resentment. So much, in fact, that the dog can tell something's wrong and starts shying away from you. Which just makes you madder. You've done everything, EVERYTHING, and received absolutely nothing in return! After a while, you're so mad that you decide you'll show that stupid dog. So, you stop playing with the dog, put him in the yard outside to keep himself company, and get yourself a new dog. One who will, hopefully, be more capable of showing you the gratitude you deserve!
> 
> Congratulations, you've just completed a covert contract.
> 
> ...


Mods..... we need an -icon for "hitting the nail on the head"

Anthony de Mello's Awareness (Jesuit priest) also touches on this. He goes into

#1, #2, and #3s. Highly recommended read.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Thor said:


> No that's not a covert contract. It is an unmet expectation. She expected a different balance in household chores.
> 
> Doing less is a passive aggressive reaction. The goal of the passive aggressive behavior is to get the other person to do something (or to get them to feel upset).
> 
> ...


As it pertains to the whole stereotypical housework and sex example...I am not really sure that it can be considered a covert contract much any more given how often men are told exactly, and explicitly that in their day to day lives on social media memes, internet articles, television shows. An also not uncommon scenario is husband complains about the sex life, and wife tells him to do more, and it might change. Husband does more and gets upset when it doesn't change.


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