# Is there anything left to do?



## now_what (Sep 17, 2008)

OK, you've probably all read my sad story by now - husband left me for a biker chick after 30 years of marriage. Our court hearing is scheduled for March 30. This is still not what I want, but it looks like what I want just doesn't figure into here anywhere. I still would like to work on the marriage, which we probably could have done if not for the fact that my husband is living with another woman. 

Our agreement pretty much works out to my advantage, which makes things a little better, but not much.

Need advice on two points: 1 - should I just accept the inevitable? 2 - how do I control my emotions during the hearing? I know I am going to cry, but I don't want to totally breakdown. This is just so sad. Regardless of what has happened, the end of a 30 year marriage is sad. It is such a waste.


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

I really feel for you. I live in Toronto, Canada so I don't think in this province you need a hearing? My ex already filed for legal divorce so I think we just wait a year then file the divorce papers. I think I'll let the S.O.B. pay for that too. He wants the divorce, he can pay for it.  As far as your dilemma goes, yes I think you have to go through with the divorce. If he still wants it give it to him. This man doesn't deserve you. I know part of you still loves him and wants your marriage but ask yourself this, why do I want a man like this who would treat me like doggy poop? Aren't you worth more? Of course you are!!!! I bet you're worth 10 of that biker skank he left you for. I have known plenty of older people who have found love again. There are many men out there who are decent, wonderful ADULTS. Not some teenager loser who throws away years of a established marriage. Besides, go it alone for a while. Be good to yourself. Take time to work through things and get a good emotional divorce. Then the next man you meet and you take an interest in you'll be in a good mental frame of mind to have a clean slate and not let your divorce interfere with your future happiness. As far as breaking down in court, take a friend with you. Mentally prepare for the day. Join a support group, yoga, mediate, anything that you think that might help you. Think to yourself "good-bye loser. Your future is pretty bleak. Mine is very rosey" I remember when I had to give my dog to the ex. We got him when he was 9 weeks old. I work all the time and moved to an apartment. I couldn't have a large dog with me. He has more free time and rented a townhouse. It KILLED me to let my dog go. It was like giving away my child. I took deep breaths, bit my lip, was saying to myself "don't cry. Keep it together until he's gone!." It worked for me but after he left I had a good long cry. Good luck to you. The hearing is still a month away. You could be in a totally different frame of mind by then.


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

I'm sorry you are going though that, hopefully in a month you'll be all cried out and able to get through the court hearing. I've been on celexa for a year or so and it takes away my need to be upset so that works for me, but that might not be the right answer for you. You deserve better... be strong.


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## now_what (Sep 17, 2008)

*Re: Is there anything left to do? nope - just get it over with*

Thanks for the advice. I must be in a totally different frame of mind because I don't feel quite so sad about things today. I'm thinking about my (almost ) ex: You want to live in some Podunk town in a little run down house with your dream woman - whatever. I still have my home, my things, my pets - MY DAUGHTER! I have a good job and plenty of support from my two grown children, my parents, my brother and sister, my co-workers and friends - even my mother-in-law! I am just 50 and looking forward to moving forward.


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

Good for you. I still have sad days where I cry but it comes and goes. 30 years is a long time to spend with one person. It will take some time to come to terms with your divorce. You're only 50? You have a lot of life left before you. I'm sure you'll meet a wonderful man in the future. Then you'll look back at this chapter in the book of your life and smile. Some good, you did get a daughter from your ex. Some bad, the awful way he chose to end your marriage. Things with this woman won't work out. I can guarantee it. If they do stay together he'll be miserable. Win, win for you if you ask me. Then there will come a time when you don't give a damn anymore. I'm looking forward to that day myself.:smthumbup: Sounds like you have a pretty nice life without him. When I cry I am remembering the loving man I was married to but now he's dead. The jerk he became I NEVER would have given that prick the time of day. People change and not always for the better. Yes, in court when you look at your ex just remember he physically is your ex but he's dead inside. Good luck. Give your daughter a big hug. Wish I had any word from my mother in law. I miss her terribly but I understand she wants to stand by her son. At least I had 16 great years with her. Wouldn't trade it for anything.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

over here we dont have to be in court for the hearing. so do you really have to go through it. or is it for more legalities home finances etc.
when i got divorced. the best feeling ever. 
tell you what wil P*** your H of , is if your in court and laugh to yourself as if you have the best deal. 
do a bit of reverse psychology even though you hurt. 
it wil do his head right in. 
as for working on the marriage - are you nuts, i know 30 yrs is a long time , very similar to my nan - married for 30 yrs and my gramp was always at it. He just couldnt fully ever commit. 
you wana b thankful for the stuff you got out of him. fight for everything except him. hes not worth it.


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## TGolbus (Nov 3, 2008)

Take your good feelings and do something with them. Throw a divorce party (like a bachelorette thing). See your wedding ring and give the money to a women's shelter. Something other then dwell on the bad, on the end date as something to regret or fear.
You can't control him, you did your part.
Good luck.


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## now_what (Sep 17, 2008)

to TGolbus:

This sounds crazy, but I was thinking about taking some kind of treats to work with me so when I go back to work after the hearing I will invite people to my desk to help me celebrate being single. Some people know the complete story of what happened to me, others just know I had not been too happy with my husband. I have a couple of diamond rings I was planning to give to my daughters. Maybe I can sell my husband's wedding ring (gold/diamond). It was in the envelope he left for me when he snuck out of the house. He put the ring, his debit card, his cell phone and his house key in an envelope, just like he was checking out of a hotel or something.

To 1Nurse and Justean:

Here in Ohio, for a dissolution you file your separation agreement and parenting agreement with the court. Then there is a 30 day waiting period and after that a hearing is scheduled. You go before the judge and he/she will ask a few questions and if you want the marriage dissolved - and I guess they will ask if I'm pregnant. That would be a funny one to say yes to, my husband had a vasectomy after the birth of our third child almost 16 years ago. All the financial details, house, debt, child support, etc. are in the agreement. You answer the questions, then the judge signs off on the agreement and that's pretty much it. It's supposed to take about five minutes.

My husband neglected to tell his mother how much of a jerk he had been. Only told her we had decided to separate - big chicken. I told her the real story and she said she was sorry for all that had happened, but she preferred to remain neutral so she would not lose contact with any family. She did not see why her relationships with people needed to change, just because of the actions of others. 

I am trying to be civil with my husband since now he will actually see and speak to me. I got a new HDTV and asked him if he wanted my old one - which he did. He stopped by to get it today, had a young guy with him. Probably one of his girlfriend's sons. He did not bother with introductions - just lugged the thing off (weighs 200 pounds).


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