# My 32 y/o step son (who does not live at home) tells me what I can't do in my home



## dragonslayer (May 21, 2009)

My husband and I married 10 years ago, each having 3 children. My 2 daughters lived with me, my son did not (he lived on his own), his son and son's girlfriend lived with him until they found out that my girls and I were moving in. That's the day the step son chose to begin to undermine and challenge me. My stepson was 22 at the time, my daughters were 15 and 13.

From that day forward it's been a true battle. My step son now has 2 boys of his own, the oldest is wonderful, well mannered, calm, fantastic child; the youngest, well he's his father's child! His marriage broke up 2 years ago and he's been a terror ever since. He gets himself in terrible financial trouble at least monthly and runs to his dad for help. He creates imagined slights from his ex, and runs to his dad. He can't seem to find a proper sitter for the boys, so he runs to his dad. It's a cycle that has become such a burden to his dad and me, but dad (my husband) just will not make him take ownership of his problems. We have, and I use "we" loosely as I'm not generally asked, given him thousands of dollars over the last 2 years for one "emergency" to the next. At least 3 times each week, we are brought out of our sleep or interrupted during our time together to help him through some slight from the ex that has sent him into a tailspin or depression or "Man dad, what do I do"? at which point he doesn't take the advice given. And at least once a week his dad runs to the school to pick up the boys because he doesn't have a sitter. (Actually, the boys are 9 and 7 and have NEVER had a sitter! just us!)

I have asked his dad to help him get some control in his life and of course this has now become a step mom problem. The step son now tells me what I can and can't do in my own home, when I will and won't have the boys and how much money will or won't be given to him. My husband does nothing to prevent it. He says "Oh, he's going through a rough time, don't upset him"! That's crap and I'm the dragon in this.

I'm now resenting my husband, my stepson and even the boys to some degree. I need help understanding what I can do to have some peace in my life, my home and my marriage without being the "dragonslayer"!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

dragonslayer said:


> I'm now resenting my husband, my stepson and even the boys to some degree. I need help understanding what I can do to have some peace in my life, my home and my marriage without being the "dragonslayer"!


I can see the future. You are going to go right off your husband because of this, and sex will be out of the window. A husband who does not stand up for you is useless. Women just don't find wimps attractive.

However, you are also being weak by having put up with this behaviour from both of them for 10 years. You can't directly change your husband, but you can change you. You could also issue an ultimatum if it comes to it. I certainly would not stand for this sort of behaviour from say my wife's family. Fortunatly they're OK...

You make a valid point about about being perceived as a dragon. My wife and I try to take turns in telling our kids off (if we have to), otherwise it becomes like good cop/bad cop. And I don't want to be the bad cop


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## dragonslayer (May 21, 2009)

Thanks for the reply, but give me some idea of how I can change me that will maintain my marriage and home. You're right, I have gone off my husband for some time now as this has just gotten to the point that I am blaming him for allowing it. I'm NOT allowed to object to, nor critique, nor upset his children. EVER! And, again you're right it has gone on for the entire 10 years. Am I what's considered a co-dependant woman?


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I have a 20 year old step daughter who does not and never has lived with us and she challenges me and husband all the time. She wants everything on her terms.
It's very annoyoing but things came to a head this year when she came over with her unrealistic demands and my H saw what a monster she was. He gave her a choiuce to be respectful or leave us alone. so......... I can understand your problem... although
have no ideas for you other than to do what you have to, to protect yourself and your home.

I was lucky in that she showed her colors in front of Husband, as he would not have belived me how nasty and stooooopid she acts. 
It woke him up !!!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

dragonslayer said:


> I'm NOT allowed to object to, nor critique, nor upset his children. EVER! And, again you're right it has gone on for the entire 10 years. Am I what's considered a co-dependant woman?


I'm not sure about the *co*-dependency diagnosis without more information - like what does he get out of you?...

However, I would certainly have you down for low self-esteem. A person who thought more of themselves would have said enough is enough long ago.

On the other hand... asking this this *could *be a sign of co-dependency:


dragonslayer said:


> but give me some idea of how I can change me that will maintain my marriage and home.


You can change you, but you have to be tough enough to take the consequences. If you're "lucky" your husband will "man up" and see the error of his ways. If he doesn't, then it could be the beginning of the end. It appears to co-dependent people that others control them through threatening to do x,y, and z if they don't do what's expected of them. When such people finally begin to "wake up", they realise they were only doing it to themselves.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I never agree with Mark Twain... just sayin'

I would not call you co-dependent... its your husbands place to set his kids straight and make boundries of good behavior with them... not you.
Mark twain likes to label people, so just ignore his comments that your co-dependent and have low self esteem.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

preso said:


> I never agree with Mark Twain... just sayin'


Is that a matter of policy?


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> Is that a matter of policy?


I looked at that website your always promoting, very zen-like...
something maybe appealing to some but not me.
You tend to label people and quickly. I bet you dont even have step kids, just sayin'


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## dragonslayer (May 21, 2009)

I just googled low self-esteem and find that I may suffer from it. But even so, this doesn't give me options or tools to help me pull myself up and take charge of the problem. As I see it, it is my husband's lack of dealing with it over the years that has brought it to this point. Since I have never been allowed any parental rights, such as discipline, constructive criticism, etc., I don't see where or how I could have prevented any of this from going on. My husband and I talk, we argue, we do all the normal parent stuff, between ourselves, but when the step son is around, it's as if I suddenly become invisible and even if I weren't, my opinion wasn't asked for and certainly not wanted.

I have already moved into a bedroom of my own, practically living in it actually, because my husband says that if his children as such a bother, maybe I should not be around when they are present. With the step son being so needy, I'm practically not around while stuffed into a separate room.

My husband, obviously dominates me and my surroundings, but I want to bust that notion out, but don't know how. The ultimatum was thrown today, and here I am on a "help me" website! 

I really am looking for constructive help-me-out-with-this tools.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

dragonslayer said:


> The ultimatum was thrown today
> .
> .
> I really am looking for constructive help-me-out-with-this tools.


Wow, you did not tell us this at the beginning. You are already in a stronger position from just doing that. The trick now is to stay the pace, and have the courage not to let yourself be backed (right back) into your corner.

I think what you need to focus on is love. Loving yourself. All the support you will get here will help with that. It's early days yet. Just stay the pace and have the courage of your convictions.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

beware of people trying to sell you services on the web who come on these sites looking for customers.


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## dragonslayer (May 21, 2009)

Preso, thanks for the advice, I'm gulliable sometimes, but my mind is more on the chaos in my life more than on being tricked by a "used carsalesman"-lol.

Also would like to thank MarkTwain and apologize for not telling you about the ultimatum. I deliberately left that out, as I did the separate room thing, just in case I was over-reacting! 

While I was on this site reading and complaining, the step son called needing a sitter! Husband comes into the room and states that he's going to pick up the boys because son is out of pocket somewhere and unable to do it. I asked husband to take the boys to his brothers house because I just didn't feel like being used and abused today. He looked shocked, but said okay.

But, 45 minutes later, I hear the boys in the living room! I just closed my door and waited for everyone to clear out. I feel tired, aggravated and very disappointed! Wow, what a tough thing this is going to be, I mean to tackle this with any hope of winning my life and marriage back without throttling my step son or literally banishing him from my house. I may have to grow alot more, but with the help/suggestions I've already received, I feel alittle more empowered (at least for now I do!).


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Part of the problem, besides your stepson's immaturity, is within yourself. You do not feel attached to him, nor your step-grandkids.

Your husband wants his family together in harmony and it is blowing apart. Imperfectly, he thinks bringing the kids over will help you all bond together as a knit-together family.

Yes, you can interpret your stepson's behavior as abusing you, sucking at your precious time with your own children. But you know what? You chose this man as a husband! His children, your children, and any grandkids are a kind of a package deal.

Your husband's obligations towards his children and his grandchildren did not end when he married you.

As your obligations towards your children and any grandkids later will not end because you married your husband.

Are you right to feel used and annoyed by this intrusion on your life? Of course you can. However, there is another path.

If you agreed to welcome those children into your home and into your heart, nothing but good thngs can result.

Your stepson could really be in a bind. Maybe he would agree to take parenting classes if you agreed to watch the kid while he did that.

No father wants to choose between his wife and his children. 

Is this really an either/or situation?


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## dragonslayer (May 21, 2009)

Well actually, I don't think you have enough information yet regarding all of this to truly understand what's been going on over the last 10 years.

My husband and I DO watch the kids at least 1 day a week due to step sons needs each week. But...we also have them as a matter of, "it's always been that way" 3 other days a week. We raised the oldest from birth until 3 because neither the step son nor the mom could stay off drugs long enough to do it. Then with the youngest, over the last 2 years while his dad and mom have been separated and fighting, I have been doing homework with him every night of the week and go to the PSTA meetings at school, do the sick day sitting etc.

The step son chose not be be included in my husbands and my life. We didn't force him out. Until the last 2 years, it was hit and run war, but the last 2 years has been full-fledged on-going warfare. I have no choice whether his children are here or not. I have no choice whether we pay out all of "our" life savings to bail him out of jail or pay his bills because something else in his lfe was more important.

I tried for 5 of my 10 married years to give an open home life to all 6 of our adult children. But my step son has always defied, disturbed and defaulted on anything and everything family oriented.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

It does sound as though the main issue is not your step-son, but rather your husband's lack of understanding how you're feeling and lack of respect of your wishes.

I'm guessing talking to him about your step-son is a sensitive issue. He probably feels at this point that you care very little for him so conversations are likely to carry that tone. If it were me, I would try the approach of being understanding of your husband and why he is helping out his son so much...Basically, having kids of your own, understanding wanting to be there for him and help him in any way that he can...followed by, but in the long-run this is not helping him to provide for himself and his kids, not helping with the stability his kids need by last minute carting them over, etc.

I think if you can get to some point of compromise in conversation where you both gain an understanding of how the other has been feeling, that will be the place to start.

You can also tell him you are feeling unsupported, empty and feel it's pushing you apart and then what you do want your marriage to look like...if it means doing more together as a couple, come up with some suggestions...if you want to start a date night, or take dance class together, see how he responds...if he agrees, ask him to let his son know that he will be unavailable on Wednesdays going forward.

It might be a way to rather than expect drastic changes over night, let your husband ease into the idea. If he's feeling that you have nothing else going on so why not help out, he may not understand why stepping in all the time to babysit, etc. is a big deal.


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## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

michzz said:


> You do not feel attached to him, nor your step-grandkids.


Yes, this is exactly what I took from what has been said. 

In your first post, the comment about resentment. Please do not resent those boys, they have little to no control of the position they're being put in. I understand it can be frustrating when you have reached a limit and here they come again. But just remember it's not their fault. I'm pretty sure. 

Good luck.

Out of curiosity, what is the step son telling you you can't do in your home?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Sad situation for sure.

No possible way for you to sit down with him and your husband and lay out the facts as you see them? The financial draining? The drama?

If it really is a matter of him trying to force apart you and your husband, hit that head on.

The worst path is to do nothing and keep living this way.

Substance abusers are a lousy set of people to be around.

If they are still abusing things, then the children need to be protected from them.

If you are not up to the task and your husband won't abandon his family, then you may just have to part.


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## dragonslayer (May 21, 2009)

Wow, throughout all of the chaos in my life I've thought I must being this all wrong, but apparently I've been doing alot right, as some of the suggestions I have received have already been tried.

I've done the talking with the husband, I've done the extending my hand, my heart, my wallet, my home, my life, I've done the marriage counseling, I've done the date night, just to get kicked in the teeth and pushed aside by the step son on every issue. I've never received a "thank you" when I've been the one to bail him out of jail, or when I've been the one to pay his light bill or get his phone turned back on or loaned him my car while his is being fixed and paid for by me. I think alittle appreciation from him, alot less of my husband "enabling" his bad behaviours and alot more understanding how I feel sometimes, definately would help a lot. But, since all else has been tried, I'm not planning to hold my breath for that to happen.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

If you meant kicked in the teeth figuratively, then I think you ought to try to think of it another way. 

It's too hostile of a way unless it is physically true.

If you have been taken advantage financially, segregate your funds from your husband's. 

Refuse to give another dime to him.

Leave your husband. You don't want the life you have for yourself or your own children.

I'm telling you to draw a line in the sand and not make it a bluff.


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## dragonslayer (May 21, 2009)

Let me answer the question about what my step son tells me I can or can't do in my own home first then I'll proceed.

On mother's day, he came to my home with his own mother (a drug addict herself)and informed me that I was to leave because he and mom were going to take dad out to eat so mom could have a great mother's day.

I have a formal living room, den and family room. The step son tells me when he and the boys are here I am not to enter any room that they are in. He knows the formal living room is never used by the children, mine, his or otherwise, but he defies that and proceeds in.

He tells me that the kids have asthma so when they are here I need to leave because I may or may not have on cologne, talc or another "smelly" product on that could trigger an attack. (I take both these boys for m.d. appts and physicals, neither has asthma)

Etc., etc.,

And yes, the kick in the teeth is literal. I did call the police, he was arrested, but my husband convinced me to tell the court that it most likely was an accident and he shouldn't be charged with battery! And...my husband pulled money from our account to bail him out and pay for an attorney and pay for my dentist and the 2 teeth he knocked out!


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## dragonslayer (May 21, 2009)

I feel since I'm telling a horrible portion of my lfe here, that I also want you to know that I take some of the blame for this mess.

When my husband and I were dating and then later living together before our wedding, he segregated our children into, yours and mine. He took his children out to eat every Saturday and took mine out every Thursday. I didn't think that it should be done that way, I felt we should be introducing a "family" situation into everyones lfe, but I dealt wth it.

Then after we were married, his children insisted on separate holidays, his and mine, no ours. He allowed that until I flew off the bat and said no more. Then it was the holidays together but with the ex-wives (2) and the kids and us! Wow, way too much. I kicked up another fit and that ended. But, that also ended his step son coming on holidays at all. He would call his dad on Christmas morning and say things like "Dad, I would come over, but if "she" is there with her spawn, then I'm not". Way too much for me to bear, so I gave in and allowed separate holidays again! My bad, but I thought my husband and grandkids were going to suffer if I didn't allow it.

It has just gone from drama to drama to I can't take it any more but don't want to give up my home or my marriage. I'm generally an optimist, but I feel very defeated now and very alone.


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## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

So the mother is a drug addict too. Was she before your husband became involved with her? And your husband is capable of kicking out your teeth. 

I would be making steps to getting out. That would be a lot of crazy for me to deal with, what about you?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

dragonslayer said:


> Am I what's considered a co-dependant woman?


Sweetheart... now that you give us this additional information, including getting your teeth kicked out, and vacating your own living room, then I am beginning to wonder if your first though might be correct.

But if you are able to see the co-dependency, then it must be wearing thin enough for you to step out of it at last.



dragonslayer said:


> I really am looking for constructive help-me-out-with-this tools.


 First things first. Simply being aware of your part in enabling this will be a huge boost.


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

Whining and complaining about your situation will not change it. The way I see it you have three options: 1) Whine, complain and have nothing happen, 2) Smile, be gracious and put up with it because you can only change yourself not others, 3) Leave and be happy. If you want to vent great, however it's not going to help your situation or improve things. I don't share children with my ex but this is why it's CRUCIAL for people who do to try and work on their marriage before divorce, remarriage and dealing with each other's kids. Life is full of choices. Some good, some bad. I think it's important to recognize the bad choices, take responsibility and then move on. Good Luck to you.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Being I've been in this situation with stepkids, let me tell you what I did that solved it.

Tell your husband whats going on and tell him to deal with it or the son will be banned from the house.

I did this and it forced husband to deal with his daughter. It also brought all her bad behavior, unrrealistic expctations TO HIM where he could see it for himself.
Refuse to deal with the stepson... its his kid and his problem. Being your a step parent and did not live with or raise this boy...
and he is being disrespctful of you, husband must tell him to knock it off
or keep him away from your home and you.
I refused to deal with stepdaughter.... and it brought her to us with her unrealisitc demands, so he could hear them. He was shocked. After she explinaied herself, she got the ultimatuim, to be respectful as she would any other family member or stay away from us.


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## dragonslayer (May 21, 2009)

Spent a sleepless night considering my options. Have spent the last few minutes on the phone making an appointment with my attorney and also one with a local counselor. Will see what my financial status will be if I choose to leave, what the consequences will be regarding the home, etc. Will talk with the counselor about low self esteem problems and also the co-depence. After all that, I'll try to make a clear decision.

I would like to clear up one misconception, either I didn't make it clear or my wording was off, it wasn't my husband who kicked out at me and knocked 2 teeth out, it was the stepson. My husband didn't want me to have him charged with battery, so asked my to state in court that it most likely was an accident, which it clearly was not.

I will try to keep my back straight and my chin up and leave my new living space and roam my own home some over the next few days to see if I can impress upon myself that I belong and that I deserve some respect and try to ignore the step son's demand and not let him or husband know how much they are hurting me. At least for as long as I can to give myself time to speak with the counselor and attorney.

Thanks for all the tips. You have really helped to pull my thoughts into a clearer path, given me some fantastic advice and uplifted my spirits. I am glad I found you. Just don't disappear on me, I'll probably need your shoulders a lot more going forward.


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## dragonslayer (May 21, 2009)

Forgot to answer question regarding ex-wifes addiction--yes, she was an addict when husband married her 35 years ago, she never overcame it and has suffered emotional, physcial wear and tear. She just doesn't get it that she has done such damage to herself, her children, family and friends

Also, my typing sucks this morning!


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I would like to clear up one misconception, either I didn't make it clear or my wording was off, it wasn't my husband who kicked out at me and knocked 2 teeth out, it was the stepson. My husband didn't want me to have him charged with battery, so asked my to state in court that it most likely was an accident, which it clearly was not.
?????????????

what?
stepson knocked out your teeth? and YOu didn't press charges?

see now, that wouldnt happen here because if step even touched me I would press chages no matter what husband thought about it, matter of fact he wouldnt have time to think about it because I'd be calling 911 so fast his head would be spinning.
step daughter did assert some anger in clenching her fists at me...
and when she did I told her
she better watch it or I'd lay her out and make sure she went to jail and she knows I'm not fooling around.
She is banned from the house now........... there was a moment husband challenged it and I told him... if he wants to be around her, to take her out alone, keep doing what he's been and watch the monster grow...
but she wasn't coming back in the house....
if he didn't like it, he could move
and in 2 seconds he made the choice to make her responsible for her actions and be respectful or get lost.
Her behavior is extreme, in that she yells at me and gives me ulimatuims, and why she is banned. 
He saw it for himself and his comment was:
she has her mothers genes I guess.


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## dragonslayer (May 21, 2009)

I did press charges, but allowed husband to talk me into making the court believe it could have been an accident. Thus my co-dependence thoughts!

There has been so much, and my belief that if I stayed the course things would get better (but obviously didn't!), thinking that eventually husband would see exactly what was going on...I lost me in all of this drama. Why is a 32y/o allowed by his dad to do these things? All 6 of our kids are in there mid 20's to mid 30's, all of the other 5 have good, solid marriages, homes, finances, jobs, raising the other 6 well-grounded grandchildren, why does he feel that his behaviours will be accepted? Why does my husband enable him and deny me?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

dragonslayer said:


> I would like to clear up one misconception, either I didn't make it clear or my wording was off, it wasn't my husband who kicked out at me and knocked 2 teeth out, it was the stepson. My husband didn't want me to have him charged with battery, so asked my to state in court that it most likely was an accident, which it clearly was not.


For me, the fact that it was the step-son makes not telling the cops the truth even worse!
Here's why: If it had been hubby, a lot of women might want to "protect" their hubby from the full force of the law for whatever reason. Still not a good idea on balance, but it's understandable, and it happens every day. 

But you were not in that sort of a relationship with your step-son. You could have easily had him banned form the house, and it would have show your husband that you are not a piece of furniture to be kicked around.

You have allowed yourself to be walked over for ten years.


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## dragonslayer (May 21, 2009)

I know! It's been a tough 10 years, my fault, his fault, their fault. I'm older now, tired, and I guess I'm just whining like nurse1 said. I've done alot to enable step son's behaviour as well as enable my husband to enable son. Vicious circle, but one I want to have broken now, before I'm broken completely.

My mind just goes in circles with this, it's a jumble of thoughts and I try to sort them into layers and then I get angry or upset or confused. My little mind has been on overdrive for weeks now, time for a release of some sort. It's a holiday weekend, so have to prepare myself for step son's onslaught if I am to survive it!


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

The step-son may be the cause, but your husband is the problem. Why? Because you aren't married to the Step-Son.

If your husband knows of all that has happened, the ultimatums are probably over, and it's time to just leave, and if he wants you back, maybe then he'll change. And be sure it's not a "him gone or me gone" thing, because then he'll resent you for that as well. It needs to be "you control him or I'm gone" thing.


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## dragonslayer (May 21, 2009)

Thanks for this reply! You've told me things that I have thought all along. It's my husbands problem and he should solve it. The step son, at the age of 32, should not even be influencing my home life at this stage, in a negative way.

The husband is very, very, aware of his son's actions and verbal assaults, but is always coming up with rationales for each bad behaviour and then with my mind in such an uproar from the chaos, I just back down, tuck my tail and run. Stooooooopid, this I know. I'm just now getting to the point of breaking and taking the necessary action, so alot of damage has already been done.

I have an appointment Tuesday morning with my attorney and then late Tuesday afternoon with a local counselor. I'll spill out my troubles to these two and see where I need to go from there I guess. But ya know what....this is my home too, why should I leave, why can't I tell dear ole dad to go? Or should I go there?


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

I wish I could give you a big ol' hug. It's clear that you take responsibility for not standing up for yourself sooner, but this happens to us sometimes. YOu trusted that your husband loved you enough that he would establish some boundaries that would protect you from his son. He has not and he is the one that deserves the blame in this.

I think you are doing a very smart thing by seeing a counselor and a lawyer. At this point, with all that has gone on and how much you have pleaded, honestly, I wouldn't even bother with ultimatums? This man has known of his son knocking two of your teeth out, keeping you out of rooms in your own house, currently the are BOTH keeping you literally room-bound inside your own home, he has disregarded all of your wishes in your marriage and your family ... he will NOT change. If I were you, I would not trust him to change. If you say, do x or I'll leave, MAYBE he'd do a bit but only until he got you back into a complacent place. The man won't change because even way before he met you, he married a drug addict ... that's how comfortable he is living in a dysfunctional world. He probably doesn't even know what normal is. How could he offer it to you?

Your husband is abusing you and has done so for many years. It doesn't require that he physically hit you for him to emotionally beat you down. Of course, you're going to have some self-esteem issues when the person that you have trusted as your life partner has made you feel like you have no respectable place in his home ... heck, sometimes not even a place at all!!!

I'm not saying this lightly and it may not be the most PC advice to put out there, but leave your marriage. Your lawyer can advice you on what belongs to you and would bet that you would not walk away totally empty-handed as you may fear. Keep seeing the counselor and gather your friends and loved ones around (the ones that truly lift you up and can support you emotionally through a divorce).

What you are putting up with can't possibly be worth it? Is this the life that you dreamed for yourself? Are you willing to wait (and waste) yet another 10 years of your life in the hopes that this man will change? Can he really change without his son changing? Are you banking all of your happiness on the almost non-existent possibility that these two people will change?

Labels (low self-esteem, co-dependent) don't matter as much as understanding why you let yourself be derailed into this life that you don't want (so you don't let that happen to you ever again), understanding the damage that the past 10 years have caused you psychologically, emotionally, physically, spiritually, etc (so that you know what areas need healing and strenghthening), and understanding what you want your life to look like from now on (so that you know the path that you are taking). 

Whatever picture you paint of your future, make sure that it's a future that you can give yourself and that does not require the mercy of another (i.e., your husband) to give it to you. He's already proven that he will not give you what you need or want. Seems that all he can offer you - disrespect and disappointment. Of course, you don't mention what's good about him that has kept you there, but in some cases, even if someone has some good things (who doesn't?), the things that are going wrong just are unacceptable. We all must draw a line in the sand. Seems like you have, seems like he didn't care.

The best of luck to you in finding your way toward a healthier, happier journey that doesn't have these horribly dysfunctional people in it.


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## dragonslayer (May 21, 2009)

Thanks everyone for your support. 

I made it through the weekend with very little hassle. I actually was able to have a fairly decent activity level with some family members. The husband was more attentive and the step son was pushed back to his own cave for the most part. I did have some help, in that my in-laws refused to allow the step son to walk over me in their presence. Both my father-in-law and mother-in-law spoke with my husband about the actions they have witnessed and gave their opinions as to how my step son should be prevented from doing these things. (they are my step sons grandparents!) Was helpful to me, but not sure how the husband is really feeling about it yet, he hasn't voiced anything.

Saw my attorney yesterday and feel confident that financial area will work out better than I thought. Have not made any decisions yet, but left his office with a lot more insight regarding my options.

Also spoke with a counselor about low self esteem and co-dependence. Got a lot of info for dealing with this mess and found that I am not a whiner, but have recently found my "voice". Now, I need to use that voice and begin to take control of situations that I have helped to create. If I find that I am able to have some control and my husband helps to control his son, then I can concentrate on repairing my marriage. If not, then will consider separation. 

Both the counselor and attorney agree that enough is enough and I have them both to lean on now, no matter which direction things go. I'm still feeling uncertain, but that is normal I guess. It's going to take some time to see any effect of my saying "no" often to my husband and the step son. But, I no longer fear the consequences. Being convinced by my husband that he would boot me to the curb and take everything, kept me from saying or doing very much. I don't have that fear now, so I should be able to hold my head up and say what I need to.

Anyway, just wanted to give a quick update. I'll keep you posted and holler when I feel I am slipping backward! Thanks again for being there for me.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

good to hear things are improving !!!!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

dragonslayer said:


> Anyway, just wanted to give a quick update. I'll keep you posted and holler when I feel I am slipping backward! Thanks again for being there for me.


You were obviously ready for a change, keep in touch - and keep getting support.


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## dragonslayer (May 21, 2009)

You know things are really crazy in my life! Today is my 11th wedding anniversary and my husband remembered by sending me flowers. I didn't remember at all! lol

Am I supposed to feel guilty about forgetting or happy that he remembered without subtle reminders?! Or both?


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

both  just make him feel special later !! we are so quick to moan when men forget arnt we


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

dragonslayer said:


> You know things are really crazy in my life! Today is my 11th wedding anniversary and my husband remembered by sending me flowers. I didn't remember at all! lol


I honestly believe that your husband is picking up on the fact that it's no more Mrs. Nice Guy from you. As your world view changes, people will start treating you differently - they have no choice.


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## dragonslayer (May 21, 2009)

Last spring I started a zen garden in my back yard. My son, who is very much into zen, suggested it as a means to finding peace within myself, alone time to reflect, an area of my own. My little garden has all the elements, a pond with beautiful koi, stones that I chose from around my land, shrubs, trees, flowers and plants. It even has a stone seat by the side of the pond for my quiet times. The garden has gone largely unused over the past few months, but when I received my bouquet, I felt I wanted to go there and did. After I posted my questions about quilt or relief, I suddenly felt the need to be alone with my thoughts. I felt peace and pleasure and hopefulness for the first time in a very long while just from a few minutes in my little space. When I returned to write this little missive, I found positive feedback from my new found "friends".

I do believe that my old optimism is returning, and that as MarkTwain inferred, I may be able to make the changes that are needed with just a few positive choices!

I feel great all of the sudden. And I'm not going to let doubt cloud this feeling right now!


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