# How am I victimizing my girlfriend?



## xhayatox (May 30, 2011)

I realize this isn't the most appropriate place to discuss this, but I am pleading for you married couples to try and help resolve this situation for me. I figured I would try this forum because you are all very experienced and knowledge about this. In a nutshell, my girlfriend most likely gave me herpes. She is the only girl I have been with in the past 12 months, and I was sick this week and woke up and had these cold sores and I went to the doctor and they confirmed that it was indeed Herpes. I tried to discuss this with my girlfriend, and she said...

"Stop accusing me of giving you herpes. I didn't f*cking give you it. I'm tired of you acting like such a d*ck."

Okay, for starters I treat this girl like royalty. Secondly, I wasn't implying that she gave me herpes, I was merely exploring all the possibilities. Before we met, she was with five different guys hooking up. Now, I explained this situation to my friend and he said I have no right accusing her apparently, and I am "VICTIMIZING" her and making her feel bad. Is this true? Am I doing something wrong? She is my partner and it's only fair that I discuss this with her isn't it? Am I just supposed to keep this to myself? How am I "Victimizing" my girlfriend? I am honestly just trying to figure this ordeal out. By no means am I trying to cause any problems!


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

I assume you are talking about genital herpes. Thankfully I don't know first hand but what you describe sounds like what happens when you first contract the disease as it's often the sores and a general illness feeling like the flu.

There are two sides to every story and your 'exploring the possibilities' I think means the possibilities for how you got it and with her being one of the possibilities. In fact, since it seems newly acquired, it's the most likely way you got it. BUT you should discuss this with her in terms of how to protect yourselves going forward and ascertain whether she is also infected for the sake of her health. Don't frame the discussion in terms of trying to figure out who gave it to whom. That's not productive and will lead to nothing good.

I would just say something like, 'we both have sexual histories with others so anything is possible' and then move the conversation to how to move forward with your and her health as the primary concern.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

xhayatox said:


> I explained this situation to my friend and he said I have no right accusing her apparently, and I am "VICTIMIZING" her and making her feel bad. Is this true? Am I doing something wrong? She is my partner and it's only fair that I discuss this with her isn't it? Am I just supposed to keep this to myself? How am I "Victimizing" my girlfriend? I am honestly just trying to figure this ordeal out. By no means am I trying to cause any problems!


It seems like a very natural question, to me. I have no idea how you are victimizing her but im inclined to believe what your friends says since he knows you and knows the entire situation. Here on TAM we only get your side while your friend knows the entire story, so it would be difficult to completely disregard him. 

Still, if you contracted a disease i think it only right that you find out where you got it from. She might have it and not even know it; Some people are simply carriers. Maybe she's sensitive because she feels like a **** if you accuse her? Even so, you have a right to know.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

It is very likely that your girlfriend gave you herpes. Assuming you had an exclusive relationship, that means she cheated on you. Check out the Coping with Infidelity board for many examples of cheating partners trying to deflect blame by acting like victims. It's typical behavior.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Its possible she gave it to you. However, it also doesn't mean for sure she cheated on you either. Herpes can lay dormant in the body for years. In other words she could have caught it herself from a previous boyfriend, and transmitted it to you that way. Doesn't mean she is cheating and it doesn't mean she isn't. Read up on it and how it can be transmitted.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

*Pap Smears*



Jamison said:


> Its possible she gave it to you. However, it also doesn't mean for sure she cheated on you either. Herpes can lay dormant in the body for years. In other words she could have caught it herself from a previous boyfriend, and transmitted it to you that way. Doesn't mean she is cheating and it doesn't mean she isn't. Read up on it and how it can be transmitted.


:iagree: This is very sensible advice. 

Condoms do not fully protect against herpes; they do not cover the entire genital area. *I was quite the slag before I met Mr.G; making up for all that time my parents locked me away. Let this be a lesson to parents: Being too strict and overprotective can lead to your children GOING WILD as soon as they are free. *

Because of my past, I am hypervigilant about my sexual health; I get yearly Paps *with swabs for all STI's*, as well as AIDS tests every two years. So far, so good! :smthumbup:

Herpes Resource Center - Myths vs. Facts - herpes, genital herpes, cold sores, herpes simplex, type 1, type 2, myths, facts, cold sores, toilet seats, symptoms, asymptomatic shedding, viral shedding, HIV


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