# Just don't get them



## k.m (May 18, 2009)

All my life I've associated more with men than women. I just thought I was more like them, emotionally, and more interested in "their stuff" than "woman stuff."

But now -- I just don't get them. 

I just checked the facebook page of the STBX of a co-worker of mine. Even though he makes, to her, as though his life is ending (and he has always been controlling and emotionally abusive, and that is escalating as he tries to intimidate her into NOT leaving him, while also groveling and proclaiming his undying love) -- his Facebook page shows him to be constantly playing Mafia Wars and not giving ANY indication that his marriage is ending or his life is in upheaval. It's as if this divorce does not affect him at all.

My husband, at the same time, can act as if an argument between us is nothing. Like it's all caused by me (wasn't), like it only affects me, like it's only my problem, like he is untouched by anything emotional, at all, in our lives. 

Meanwhile, I get completely "verklempt," after arguments. Even when the argument is initiated by an unreasonable and unprovoked outburst of anger by him (a common occurrence), I am wrought with anguish over the chasm between us. I am the one who makes the first move toward reuniting. I am the one who apologizes, even when not wrong, just to end the distance.

How do men do this? How do they not care, so completely and with so little effort? I would SO love to be able to be like that. I could be done with this emotional turmoil. The difference, of course, is that I would WALK AWAY if I cared so little.

As an aside, I apologize for only coming here when I need to vent, and for not having anything useful to contribute to anyone else's issues.
KM


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

k.m said:


> I just checked the facebook page of the STBX of a co-worker of mine. Even though he makes, to her, as though his life is ending (and he has always been controlling and emotionally abusive, and that is escalating as he tries to intimidate her into NOT leaving him, while also groveling and proclaiming his undying love) -- his Facebook page shows him to be constantly playing Mafia Wars and not giving ANY indication that his marriage is ending or his life is in upheaval. It's as if this divorce does not affect him at all.


I can relate to this. My marriage is in complete turmoil, and I don't acknowledge it publicly. Facebook is not the place to broadcast your marriage troubles. In fact many of my friends on facebook are part of his family. So the last thing I want to do is blast that my marriage is falling apart to them and all of my farmville friends. I'd rather they (his family) know when things are actually over. That way they aren't part of the process. Not only is it a very private issue, it's a difficult one too. Facebook is anything but private, especially with people like you... who are judging him on how he is or isn't handling the situation. Honestly, it's not up to how he handles it. If it was your husband, it would be a different story. But try to understand when your relationship isn't working out, it's private. It's personal. It's sensitive. Facebook is a gateway for people to comment and opinion-ate in anyway they want, and not the place for marital issues.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I - a Man - can also relate. I think the real difference is that there is usually one person who cares, and one who doesn't. 

Male - Female - it can go either way.


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## The Destroyer (Aug 3, 2010)

I am the one who initiated everything in my relationship and it may seem like I don't care, but that is not the truth. The bottom line is like Mandia said FB is not a place to put it. My DH changed his profile pic to a broken heart and all of a sudden I'm bombarded with questions. It's not their business so FB is only for generic updates. 

As for a daily basis, I can contain my emotions for a majority of the conversation. It's not that I don't care but I really feel like you aren't thinking straight if you are balling and crying, so I try to stay focused as much as possible. If I start to get to emo or my DH then I try to stop the conversation so we can regroup

Try not to judge anyone by their cover...especially not FB.


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## k.m (May 18, 2009)

I guess I should've made it a little more clear that I didn't expect the coworker's STBX to change his "status" on facebook, or even to talk about his situation -- but I just find it odd that he can try to make her feel that she is destroying his life, by leaving him, but then sits on the computer and PLAYS MAFIA WARS practically all day long. Just doesn't seem like the kind of thing I'd do if I was upset to be losing the "love of my life." I'd get up off my ass and try to DO something to try to SAVE my marriage, maybe. But that's what I don't get. The complete and utter lack of interest in working on it, by some.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

k.m said:


> I guess I should've made it a little more clear that I didn't expect the coworker's STBX to change his "status" on facebook, or even to talk about his situation -- but I just find it odd that he can try to make her feel that she is destroying his life, by leaving him, but then sits on the computer and PLAYS MAFIA WARS practically all day long. Just doesn't seem like the kind of thing I'd do if I was upset to be losing the "love of my life." I'd get up off my ass and try to DO something to try to SAVE my marriage, maybe. But that's what I don't get. The complete and utter lack of interest in working on it, by some.


He might be trying to make her feel like she's destroying his life in the hope that she'll stop - but he obviously doesn't care enough to put any effort into it. My wife has said a lot of nice things - and done very little to back any of her words up.

Talk is cheap - and easy - right?

THIS guy doesn't care...and that's not just a guy thing...


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> He might be trying to make her feel like she's destroying his life in the hope that she'll stop - but he obviously doesn't care enough to put any effort into it. My wife has said a lot of nice things - and done very little to back any of her words up.
> 
> Talk is cheap - and easy - right?
> 
> THIS guy doesn't care...and that's not just a guy thing...


This is true, talk is cheap unless you back it up. But even doing so does not get you the desired results every time.
My husband is upset with me for attaining a credit card for emergencies that I did not tell him about. I used it to buy myself a spare tire when we could not afford it, then he approached me about it, and I still did not want him to know about it, so I lied and told him I didn't get one. Our finances are probably the number one stress in his life and is really what is tearing our marriage apart. I have since cut up that credit card, plus the additional one I've had since I was 19 years old. Although I feel this should satisfy him to a certain degree it did not change a thing. I did this not just to try and repair the damage I cause but to keep myself from causing any further debt. I'm trying... and trying... and I'm losing. I'm losing it all.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

k.m said:


> I guess I should've made it a little more clear that I didn't expect the coworker's STBX to change his "status" on facebook, or even to talk about his situation -- but I just find it odd that he can try to make her feel that she is destroying his life, by leaving him, but then sits on the computer and PLAYS MAFIA WARS practically all day long. Just doesn't seem like the kind of thing I'd do if I was upset to be losing the "love of my life." I'd get up off my ass and try to DO something to try to SAVE my marriage, maybe. But that's what I don't get. The complete and utter lack of interest in working on it, by some.


Video games are an escape from reality, alot of men dont want to feel the pain which is why we have man caves, get into watching sports, so we can have small talk with other men. I dont think we are as relational as women for the most part.

Anyhow what do you think he should be doing? Do you know what she actually said to him? He may think its over no matter what he does. It has been said not to judge someone until you walk a mile in their shoes.


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## The Destroyer (Aug 3, 2010)

I agree with Brewster. I feel more like the man sometimes in my relationship. Sometimes it's just easier to go to a happy place and escape from everything. I will sit and read, watch movies, play games anything to not have to think about what is going on around me. I just want to try to feel like life is normal and keep going. It's wrong and not necessarily productive but it's what I need to do so I don't make bigger mistakes.


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

The Destroyer said:


> I agree with Brewster. I feel more like the man sometimes in my relationship. Sometimes it's just easier to go to a happy place and escape from everything. I will sit and read, watch movies, play games anything to not have to think about what is going on around me. I just want to try to feel like life is normal and keep going. It's wrong and not necessarily productive but it's what I need to do so I don't make bigger mistakes.


You are so lucky this works for you. I tried this and it worked for one day, but then when my STBX was back home and in my space, there was no denying my pain. Since that day I have been unable to really find another outlet that works. Friends make me feel like I need to talk about it, and I don't know if I want to. It's in the front of my mind constantly, and there is no hiding it from myself. I watched him sleep this morning and that felt peaceful, but within 2 minutes I felt I was either going to start crying or punch him. I would never hit him of course, but I'm so frustrated that I can't just accept and move one. But like someone else said in another post on this board: It won't hit me until he is actually moved out, and I can then start to move on.


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