# Hurtful dream last night



## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Divorce was finalized in December 2013. I didn't want it (though I should have) but it happened anyway and the whole thing left me reduced to feeling 2 feet tall and heartbroken, etc...the usual. Anyway. I still think about him daily though it doesn't hurt like it used to but for some reason last night I mildly "relapsed." I had a dream where he had found someone new and within weeks were planning to get married. Even though he and I don't currently live anywhere near each other, for some reason in the dream I saw him almost daily around town parading his new girlfriend around and she would give me nasty looks and throw it in my face how I couldn't keep him faithful but now she has him, etc. Long story short it was VERY hurtful and I woke up about 3 hours ago crying and I'm still trying to shake that feeling off. 

Yes, I have unresolved issues with him and don't have closure at all but I thought all those dreams ended. This seemed to come out of nowhere. To those who've had similar things happen to you, how do you deal? Do the feelings last and you get set back or is it just temporary? I'm SO tired of being hung up on him. I disgust myself with how long I am taking to get over him and I can't talk to anybody because they are tired of hearing it too. What do I do?


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## Greg1515 (Nov 30, 2012)

I am in a similar situation in regards to still feeling hurt after everything ended over a year ago.

Whenever feelings like those start overwhelming me, I sit down and entertain them rationally. I try to not let my emotions simply overflow and overtake my state of mind.

I put myself in a scenario where she's back. I'm trying work with her on our future. We're moving on as a family..... but after trying to visualize it, I realize, I don't want this anymore. Not with her. She did so much damage to me that it's not something I could easily forget no matter how much things "change".

Then I understand that the remnants of bitterness I feel are due to unresolved issues, with myself. Not my relationship, much less her.

And you can always talk here. Nobody will ever get tired of hearing you out here. On the contrary, helping other people is very helpful to us as well.


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## dajam (Jul 14, 2014)

I understand where you are coming from, I have had dreams on multiple occasions and for some reason more lately.. Not sure what triggers them but sure puts me in a funky mood. Which lasts for a few days and it is rather hard to get them out of your head. 

As far as clearing your mind.. I try to focus on things that make me think hard and serious in a totally different direction. Focusing on something positive has helped me with letting go. Although it is a struggle at times, the folks TAM are great for venting to and are willing to help.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Thanks. Sometimes it feels like I go around in circles. I've been on this forum since I was a newlywed and it feels like I just come back with the same sh!t. I just wish I didn't feel things so deeply. Why am I so messed up over someone I was only married to for TWO years? TWO! He wasn't my high school sweetheart and I actually didn't even know him that long before we got serious. There is just something about that first love that leaves you hanging and I don't like it at all. I wish all of this never happened. I know a good chunk has to do with how I am and how I handle things so I suppose it was bound to happen sooner or later whether it was with him or another man. I have a long life ahead of me, I know. I'm just so disappointed that I'm feeling this so early in the game (I'm 26). I hope it doesn't leave me jaded.


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## Greg1515 (Nov 30, 2012)

Just don't confused Jaded with now knowing your self-worth next time you are involved with someone, so that people don't hurt you again. You lived and learned. You will also be more objective but appreciate of the good qualities next time around.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Yes, I have to be careful. Not just with others but with myself.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

This takes time. You may think a year should be enough or two years but healing is such an individual thing. And just because someone else you know has moved on quickly doesn't mean they were READY to move on. It's better to take all of the time you need to feel good, happy, healthy and whole before moving on to a new relationship vs. hopping into something hoping that the new relationship offers enough distraction to help you get over the ex.

Hang in there, it will happen!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sorry to hear of your bad dreams. Sometimes you think it's all in the past and BAM, a new nightmare comes back.

Time is on your side. There is no way of knowing if you just completely will never see him in your dreams one day but your feelings are normal.

Don't feel "disgusted" with yourself. Feel you feelings. Not everyone "gets over" it in any certain timeframe. Some of us take longer to heal. And that is ok. Try to do something nice for yourself today.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

I just hate this :/ He could have just appeared in passing or even been a friend but seeing him in my subconscious move on like that and throw it in my face was just too real and hit too close to home. I'm deathly afraid of being one of those women who just stays stuck on someone who possibly never cared for years or maybe the rest of her life and just stays sad. Life is too short and I feel like I can't afford to "just wait it out" though I know it's not reasonable to think that way.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Believe it or not this dream may actually be a good thing.
Bear with me.

In your dream you were basically presented with the worst possible scenario of how things could have gone down. You are working with it and processing the feelings now.
So if you look at it objectively, your mind just prepped you for everything that comes next…many of which will seem weak compared to the dream.

I’m sorry you had this dream. I have had a few myself and they are no fun. 
You have to remember that dreams are the playthings of your mind. Often they grab whatever happens to be handy and incorporates them into the dream.
That’s why dreams often have random elements in them.

Dreams can also address subconscious fears. Sounds like this one was tied to feelings of self-worth.
Maybe that’s where you should concentrate your introspection? 
Sort of the minds way of saying “Hey…This is where it hurts.”


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

SepticChange said:


> I just hate this :/ He could have just appeared in passing or even been a friend but seeing him in my subconscious move on like that and throw it in my face was just too real and hit too close to home. I'm deathly afraid of being one of those women who just stays stuck on someone who possibly never cared for years or maybe the rest of her life and just stays sad. Life is too short and I feel like I can't afford to "just wait it out" though I know it's not reasonable to think that way.


Septic, you won't be one of those women if you don't allow yourself to be. I haven't read your threads--there are a lot of them!--so I don't know your whole story and I'm not sure if this has been covered before, but what are you doing to help yourself through this process? Counseling? Self-help books?

Don't get me wrong, TAM is a GREAT resource and helped me immensely through the darkest time in my life. I had very little in the way of an IRL support system or anyone who could offer practical advice, and TAM filled that void. BUT... TAM, and the advice that we offer here, may not be enough. So I relied on a therapist (our former marriage counselor, oddly enough) during the first half of the separation, and then she set me off on my own with a list of books to work through on my own.

(I would be happy to offer you some book suggestions, if you like...)

But don't give up hope. I'm 35, and several months ago, when I was feeling particularly despondent over my dating prospects and the fact that I was now at that magical doomed-to-spinsterhood age, a friend of mine (male mid-40's, recently divorced, actively dating) said to me, "You're not allowed to be bitter and jaded. You are too young to be bitter and jaded. I am out here dating, and I see tons of women ten years older than you getting plenty of dates, so you have no reason to be jaded or bitter, or to resign yourself to life alone. You have plenty of time to meet someone, and there are plenty of someones out there to meet." (OK, I may be paraphrasing him a bit, since I didn't record the conversation, but that is the gist.)

My point is this: I know this is hard for you, and as some of the other posters have said, everyone grieves/processes at their own pace. But don't resign yourself to being that life-long sad-sack, because you have your entire life ahead of you, and you are going to do a great many things with that life. So many of us here--I can look at the names of the users who have posted on your thread, many users whose stories I DO know, I can tell you with certainty that we have all been where you are right now. We're all in various stages of "recovery," but there are numerous users on TAM who are proof that it will get better for you. And we will all attest that it takes a lot of work, and a lot of personal exploration and emotional digging, but it is worth it. Even if your life doesn't turn out the way that you planned, sometimes the way life turns out can be so much bigger and better than what you planned in the first place.

*hugs*


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

FeministInPink said:


> Septic, you won't be one of those women if you don't allow yourself to be. I haven't read your threads--there are a lot of them!--so I don't know your whole story and I'm not sure if this has been covered before, but what are you doing to help yourself through this process? Counseling? Self-help books?
> 
> Don't get me wrong, TAM is a GREAT resource and helped me immensely through the darkest time in my life. I had very little in the way of an IRL support system or anyone who could offer practical advice, and TAM filled that void. BUT... TAM, and the advice that we offer here, may not be enough. So I relied on a therapist (our former marriage counselor, oddly enough) during the first half of the separation, and then she set me off on my own with a list of books to work through on my own.
> 
> ...


Thnk you so much. I did take counseling a few months ago but due to circumstances I was unable to continue. I bounce back and forth between wanting to go back and thinking I can make it on my own without forking out the money. I will keep trying to tell myself to take it day by day.


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## stillhoping (Aug 27, 2012)

Have compassion for yourself. If you were talking to another person who was experiencing what you are, you would be kind and compassionate. There are some great videos on the web which guide this way of thinking. I have given myself permission to feel whatever I feel, I just work hard not to let it be all that I feel. There is always more than one feeling at work. And remember, no one is a "solid". Your ex had some characteristics and behaviors that were good, you wouldn't have gone for him otherwise. Those are the things that are lingering.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

stillhoping said:


> Have compassion for yourself. If you were talking to another person who was experiencing what you are, you would be kind and compassionate. There are some great videos on the web which guide this way of thinking. I have given myself permission to feel whatever I feel, I just work hard not to let it be all that I feel. There is always more than one feeling at work. And remember, no one is a "solid". Your ex had some characteristics and behaviors that were good, you wouldn't have gone for him otherwise. Those are the things that are lingering.


You are absolutely right. Thank you.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Don't know if this was said. She won't be able to keep him from cheating either. No one will. If he wants to, and it's more than likely he will, she nor anyone else can stop him. It isn't a fault of your's that made him cheat. It is a fault of his that made him cheat. He could have chosen something, anything else.


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