# How to deal with my situation?



## KrissyR (Apr 5, 2017)

I posted my story under separation/divorce but so much more is going on now. 

My husband left me and our 2 young kids about 3.5 months ago for another woman (one of his employees and a "friend" of mine). He does not believe it is cheating because he told me he wanted a separation "before" he started dating her. I know this is a lie. Maybe there is truth he didnt do anything physically, but he defintely emotionally cheated. 

Anyways, things have gotten really bad between us because I don't think he is being appropriate flaunting his relationship with OW in front of our kids. We are going through a custody/visitation battle now but it will be a few weeks before our court date.

He has become extremely wreckless. He doesn't stick to the pickup/dropoff schedule. He has OW watch the kids while he is at work. Last month he video chatted our son for his birthday from OW's bed. Today he video chatted our kids and also had OW and her son talking to our kids. 

I have been doing limited contact (kids and finances only). But I am so completely out of words and thoughts. They both seem to be happy flaunting it in my face how happy they are. I obviously never want to get back with someone so disresepectful, however it is still pretty hurtful. I feel even more hurt for our kids. They of course love their dad bc they dont understand what he has done, but one day they may realize how easy it was for him to replace us. 

Going through so many emotions right now. I've been doing well trying to move on with my life and learning to be happy single, but once I'm in a good place feeling better about myself and my life, he flaunts OW and her son in front of me or tells me how happy he is to not be with me anymore. He literally does everything in his power to knock me off my horse. The crazy thing is I have never said anything negative to him during our separation. Once he starts texting all the mean things he has to tell me i just ignore it. Then the next few days we dont speak and he goes back to normal like he never said a thing. 

How am I suppose to handle someone so toxic???


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You start by ignoring him as much as you can.

If he is texting you mean stuff, keep copies of those texts. Show the to your lawyer. See if you can get something in your divorce that is a order for him to stop harassing you.

Have you talked to your attorney about him having the OW around your children? Sometimes people can get an order saying that it's too confusing for the kids and thus not allowed for some period of time.

How old are you kids?


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## KrissyR (Apr 5, 2017)

My kids are 4 and 5. My 4 year old has been fine. My 5 year old is sometimes emotional about us being separated from his father. My county is pretty strict when it comes to paramours. They really dont like them, especially around kids. My lawyer does not think its appropriate at all. 

He only writes mean things when I dont give into his demands. His sister has started harassing me as well. I literally do not respond to their negativity, but they keep on texting or trying to call. 

It is keeping me stuck in the angry stage when all I want to do is just move on with my life and not care about what he is doing.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Let's use some psychology here. Do you really think someone that's truly happy would flaunt that sh!t in your face? That's like a high school tactic of trying to make your ex jealous by showcasing how "happy" you are with a new person. It screams immaturity and insecurity.


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## KrissyR (Apr 5, 2017)

Im not sure if he does it to purposely make me hurt and angry, or because he thinks i've completely moved on and shouldn't care (since i show him no emotion), or bc he really just doesnt give a f*** what i think. 

Either way, he has terrible character traits


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

We humans have a skill that you can put to use here. We cannot usually help our initial reaction to something. But within a couple of seconds we have complete control over how we react. 

Decide what the healthy way is to react to his texts. Perhaps you could decide to ignore them. Or only skim for info about the children. Then just ignore them. 

Redirect your thoughts to something that you really like... for me it's walking on a beach or skiing. And just let that play in your head. Do not let him and his sister into your head. You can do that.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

I would say the first option. He's trying to get a rise out of you, even if it's negative. It's a roundabout way of trying to justify why he left to himself, to say "See? This is exactly why I had to cheat and yadda yadda". After all, you're the glue/"enemy" that's holding their relationship together, and without you where would that leave them?

Continue as you are and keep regarding them in a business-like and professional manner. Like gum on the bottom of your stilettos. Keep documenting his vitriol. Truly happy people don't try to keep bashing their exes to their faces while claiming that they're happy.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

You handle it like a lot of other women do. You limit contact to his picking up the kids and then returning them after his visitation rights are over. There is no need to invite him into your home, that is on you. If there is business to discuss, keep it on the phone or meet him in a restaurant or other neutral place. Tell him that the OW is not welcome in your home or when he meets you. You are within your legal rights so man up and show him who the boss is. If he tries to throw his new girlfriend at you, remind him that she likes to date married men and you sincerely hope that she does not do it again to him. Leave it at that. It will gnaw on his brain for a long time. Or you can do like one of my girlfriends did when I broke up with her and say she is happy that I found a girlfriend who is OK having sex with a man with a small penis. I didn't but it got into my head. If his penis is not small, substitute something else like someone who ejaculates so fast or whatever will sting his machismo. You have custody iof the kids so act like it. 

Today half of the kids out there come from divorced parents. It is no big deal anymore. My niece and nephew grew up just fine with divorced parents. One went to college and married another college graduate and has a nice family and home. The other had a baby a few months ago and is living with a man who owns his own business and will be marrying soon. Many feel that it will damage the kids if they do not give into every thing their dad does or lets him visit whenever he wants. It is far better to let the kids grow up in a loving home with you than a toxic home where parents are always fighting and do not love each other. Either way is a blueprint of how your children will view marriage and it is much better that they do not grow up thinking marriage is loveless, involves cheating and mistreating their spouses. You can explain to your kids that daddy has a new girlfriend and will want to talk about her a lot but you will love them as she never can and not to take sides.


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## KrissyR (Apr 5, 2017)

Yeah, i agree. I just need to think of positive things. I just don't understand why he acts the way he does but when he doesn't get his way he is so vindictive. I swear he says to himself "what can i do to piss her off or make her angry". 

Im pretty sure he blames all his unhappiness in his life on me. He is too immature to understand happiness comes from within. He has found someone who he feels is giving him happiness again but once the "newness" wear off he will be left with those feelings of inadeqecy. Especially bc i had to move 3 hours away to be with family and he will miss out a lot in our kids life.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

KrissyR said:


> Yeah, i agree. I just need to think of positive things. I just don't understand why he acts the way he does but when he doesn't get his way he is so vindictive. I swear he says to himself "what can i do to piss her off or make her angry".


You need to stop wondering why he acts like that. When you spend time wondering about it, you are giving him power over you. 

Instead just accept that he is like that. Clearly he has a pathetic need to behave like that. End of story.

Again, stop giving him room in your head.



KrissyR said:


> Im pretty sure he blames all his unhappiness in his life on me. He is too immature to understand happiness comes from within. He has found someone who he feels is giving him happiness again but once the "newness" wear off he will be left with those feelings of inadeqecy. Especially bc i had to move 3 hours away to be with family and he will miss out a lot in our kids life.


I know that you are struggling to figure how what happened in your life. But here again, you are giving him too much space in your head.

He did what he did because he's the kind of man who cheats and justified it. Done, end of story.

Yes he will miss out on a lot of his children's life. That's the choice that HE made. Again, end of story.

You have the kids mostly. You are the more stable parent. While you might have moved 3 hours away. You get to have your children with you most of the time.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> He only writes mean things when I dont give into his demands. His sister has started harassing me as well. I literally do not respond to their negativity, but they keep on texting or trying to call.


What do you think of the idea of having a good friend or family member take all texts from him? Have them then edit out the hurt and then send you the texts that are only dealing with the children’s welfare minus the hurtful words?.. Anything that he does that is mean spirited have it documented so that you can use that in the child custody rulings.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Spoons027 said:


> Let's use some psychology here. Do you really think someone that's truly happy would flaunt that sh!t in your face? That's like a high school tactic of trying to make your ex jealous by showcasing how "happy" you are with a new person. It screams immaturity and insecurity.


That was my immediate reaction in reading this, he is not as happy as he wants you to believe, he obviously is not indifferent and doesn't want you to get to the indifference stage.

You seem to be moving on much better than him. Avoid all contact except via email. Go see a counsellor to help you learn how to handle his behaviour and surround yourself with some solid friends to stand by you.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Time for you to "woman up" and to get yourself to a good "piranha" family attorney to file for D and to advise you of both your property as well as custodial rights!

You need a barrister who will have absolutely no problem in having the presiding judge throw the book at him for both hefty alimony as well as maximum child support payments!*


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Krissy,

Your husband is obviously a first class moron, and if it is any consolation, relationships borne out of infirdelity have a very very low percentage of working out long term. So bozo may wind up with the karmas bus hitting him.

Your best revenge is to become happy again, and ignoring his stupid antics is the first step. This flaunting is nothing but a power play to show you how he is in control of everything. I hope you have a good attorney and maybe you can use his antics to make it as bit costly for him.

Chatting with your children from BED proves he has the moral compass of a two year old.

You can and will do better.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

KrissyR said:


> Yeah, i agree. I just need to think of positive things. I just don't understand why he acts the way he does but when he doesn't get his way he is so vindictive. I swear he says to himself "what can i do to piss her off or make her angry".
> 
> Im pretty sure he blames all his unhappiness in his life on me. He is too immature to understand happiness comes from within. He has found someone who he feels is giving him happiness again but once the "newness" wear off he will be left with those feelings of inadeqecy. Especially bc i had to move 3 hours away to be with family and he will miss out a lot in our kids life.


He is turning you into a monster. Why? To prove that he just had to leave you! 

There is his version of reality and then the real version of reality:-

This is the you he describes









As against the real you who everyone knows


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Are you recording the skype calls? If he is doing inappropriate things, like calling from bed with the OW, the recorded videos might help your case.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There is a MEME on Facebook that keeps showing up. It says something like:

When a controlling person can no longer control you, they try to control how other see you.


That's probably part of what he and the OW are doing... trying to control how other see you. Just ignore it. Those who care for you will not buy into their hate. The people who do buy into their hate are not worth your time/consideration anyway.


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## KrissyR (Apr 5, 2017)

Thank you all for the great advice. 

Today was tough... i had to cancel our family vacation finally (that was already paid for) so i was crying on the phone to the booking agent asking for a refund. She felt so bad bc she had gone through something similar and was trying to cheer me up. Didn't get a refund, but i did get a voucher so i can book another vacation after the divorce is finalized (thats already paid for). And im sure i will need it then.

Now i will be back on track. Just continuing to move forward and past all this craziness. 

Ex finally hired a lawyer. He told me I can have all the furniture in the house except the beds and tv. He wants to start "fresh". It makes me laugh bc i know he doesnt want anything bc he stays at OWs place and she already has everything. When they eventually break up he will have nothing but his tv and bed....


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## KrissyR (Apr 5, 2017)

2 weeks before pre-trial date. He spends 24/7 with AP. They cohabitate and work together. I was a stay home mom, he made 6 figs. He just informed me he got fired from work. His boss was his best friend and enabled his cheating. I didnt ask why he got fired. Not sure if it was planned or not but it is crazy. 

Crazy bc when he left I believed he would still financially care for us. 2 months out he stopped paying all together. Its been a little over 4 months now and thank God i filed earlier than later. I didnt believe he could do this to us.

If they leave, just protect yourself. File and move on with your life. They are not the same person you fell in love with so just let them go.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

KrissyR said:


> 2 weeks before pre-trial date. He spends 24/7 with AP. They cohabitate and work together. I was a stay home mom, he made 6 figs. He just informed me he got fired from work. His boss was his best friend and enabled his cheating. I didnt ask why he got fired. Not sure if it was planned or not but it is crazy.
> 
> Crazy bc when he left I believed he would still financially care for us. 2 months out he stopped paying all together. Its been a little over 4 months now and thank God i filed earlier than later. I didnt believe he could do this to us.
> 
> If they leave, just protect yourself. File and move on with your life. They are not the same person you fell in love with so just let them go.


Keep on doing no-contact; you're getting stronger, aren't you? :wink2:

Just curious: does your stbx have NPD tendencies?


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## KrissyR (Apr 5, 2017)

Yeah I can definitely say I am a lot stronger than what I was before. The only problem is my anxiety gets the best of me. It comes when I am forced to communicate with him so Im still learning to cope with that. 

No contact has done good for me though. The hurt and anger are still there but in much smaller doses.


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## KrissyR (Apr 5, 2017)

He has NPD tendencies like crazy!! Never realized how bad they were until he left.


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## JustTheFacts (Jun 27, 2017)

He got fired? Does that mean he won't have to pay you anything? Wish you and your children the best future possible. Hang in there.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

KrissyR said:


> 2 weeks before pre-trial date. He spends 24/7 with AP. They cohabitate and work together. I was a stay home mom, he made 6 figs. He just informed me he got fired from work. His boss was his best friend and enabled his cheating. I didnt ask why he got fired. Not sure if it was planned or not but it is crazy.
> 
> Crazy bc when he left I believed he would still financially care for us. 2 months out he stopped paying all together. Its been a little over 4 months now and thank God i filed earlier than later. I didnt believe he could do this to us.
> 
> If they leave, just protect yourself. File and move on with your life. They are not the same person you fell in love with so just let them go.





One thing I would fill in here to your lawyer, and, just because I don't know what your husbands occupation is. You stated his boss was also a friend and enabling the cheating. Be careful that your husband didn't get "fired" but now is a consultant making the same salary but claiming less to you. I've seen this happen before to reduce alimony and child support payments. Judging from your posts and what you have said about your husband harassing you, this scenario about being fired came to mind. Best of luck to you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm sure that your lawyer will cover this. For a divorce, the court usually looks at the income going back a year or two. And he will have to pay you child support and alimony based on what he used to earn. A lot of men quit their jobs, or conveniently 'get fired' as a way to try to prevent having to pay support. The courts are on to that trick.


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## KrissyR (Apr 5, 2017)

Yeah it does seem way too convenient to be "fired" right before our pre trial. I will be letting my lawyer know tomorrow so we will see what she says. He made a lot of money so he would be on the hook for a lot for child support and spousal support... and back pay bc he hasnt been paying us at all. I cant see his boss firing him unless it was planned. They are really good friends. I also dont see him being jobless bc he has so many bills he has to pay. He would ruin his credit big time.


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## KrissyR (Apr 5, 2017)

Packed my things from our apartment yesterday and moving truck is coming on Sunday. Havent been back since april and the place was a wreck. There were dirty clothes, blankets, and towels everywhere. OW's son's dirty diaper was left in the trash can and made the place smell so bad. The place was so disorganized and the amount of laundry was daunting. They bought a brand new bedset for our bed though. The ex took down all pictures of us and threw them away or hid them. Not sure how OW could stay there with all my belongings still there. 
He is officially moving into her place next week. Our apartment will no longer hold any of our things.
After he found out I took part of our DVD collection he flipped out. Told me I was a "ghetto ass baby mama trying to live off her first baby daddy." He is not happy I asked for spousal support (I was a stay home mom for 5 years. He thinks he can kick me to the curb and no longer have to support me in any way). He called me a leech and told me that I suck the life out of him and that I was never appreciative of anything he did. 
It's crazy the story he has made himself believe but it has been almost 5 months and his anger towards me has not come down one bit. 
He left me but I got a job and am back in school finishing up my degree. I take the best care of our kids. I love them deeply. He on the other hand, abandoned his family, lost his job, hasn't paid me a dime in months, and moving in with OW and her son. How am I the ghetto one?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

KrissyR said:


> 2 weeks before pre-trial date. He spends 24/7 with AP. They cohabitate and work together. I was a stay home mom, he made 6 figs. He just informed me he got fired from work. His boss was his best friend and enabled his cheating. I didnt ask why he got fired. Not sure if it was planned or not but it is crazy.
> 
> Crazy bc when he left I believed he would still financially care for us. 2 months out he stopped paying all together. Its been a little over 4 months now and thank God i filed earlier than later. I didnt believe he could do this to us.
> 
> If they leave, just protect yourself. File and move on with your life. They are not the same person you fell in love with so just let them go.


So his enabler best friend "fired" him, right?

So he has no money to pay his alimony and child support?








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Get your lawyer to check this out.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Projection much, I guess? You did not respond, right? Things sorted out legally? If he gives you that vitriol in writing, document it.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

KrissyR,

You wrote, *How am I the ghetto one? *

Because your H is projecting what he thinks of himself onto you, like most bullies he is deeply insecure and cannot handle self-truth, so he puts it on you. 

He also likely is in denial that the OW he is cheating with is no prize and is going to destroy his life slowly, he already lost his good job. 

Tamat


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## KrissyR (Apr 5, 2017)

I told my lawyer about it and she is on it. He is still bffs with his boss so something doesn't sound right. He said it wasn't up to his boss to fire him.. not sure what he means by that. Our apartment was filled with his boss's belongings, like he had been staying there or something.

He gave me his wrath through a phone call that my friend recorded, but it is not admissible in court. All I said was I am sorry you feel that way and that's not how I intend to come off. 

Today, he texted me asking what time the court date was and asked me to send him the address. He then asked if it was just the pre-trial and if I knew how long it was going to take. Shouldn't this be information his lawyer tells him? He relies on everybody for everything. He can't even remember the schedule of his own court date for his kids. It is mind boggling.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

He know when the court date is. Don't text him back. He's only asking to get you to engage him so he can either blow a gasket at you again or to try and manipulate you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

honcho said:


> He know when the court date is. Don't text him back. He's only asking to get you to engage him so he can either blow a gasket at you again or to try and manipulate you.


Either that or he doesn't care enough about his own children to remember?


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## KrissyR (Apr 5, 2017)

After all those times of threatening me with the use of his attorney, the man showed up with no lawyer... 2 months till our trial date, however next week we have another court date for our visitation schedule. 

Never thought I would be one of those people who was with someone for years, and now cannot even say hi to them when sitting in the same room.


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## zoemariewoodside (Apr 7, 2017)

I have been "the other woman" but not a total ***** like the sounds what you have to put up with. I totally avoided my husbands ex and occasionally met the Kids in the first 6 months. The best advice I can give is try (I know it will be hard) to be civil around the OW. Don't allow the Kids see you get cross. I say this as his ex used to slag me off in front of the kids. They are about the same age as my step kids were but they are of an age where they can differentiate between good, bad, nice, clever and stupid and will make up their own opinions. As my step daughter came up to me one day and expressed her mum's opinions to me and told me she wasn't to be my friend. I asked her what she thought and to make her own mind up and that has always stuck with my stepdaughter she was 5 at the time and she's 21 now. I agree your husband and the OW are being total idiot's, but you have to remember unfortunately there may come a time when you have to accept that the the OW may become a part of you kids lives. Just concentrate on being a good person in front of your kids. If you need to put him right agree to meet in a public area. 

Sent from my SM-G357FZ using Tapatalk


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