# Husband want to visit a girl friend out of state



## kbhg (Jun 7, 2012)

Hi everyone,

I just recently got married and have a great relationship with my husband. However, he recently told me that he will go to visit his friend (girl) in another state. He met her at a competition and have been talking online. I'm fine about it and thought that they are just regular friend. But now he said that she is a really good friend and it's been a a while so he wants to visit her. It's not even a holiday break or some important events are going to happened with her. Do you think it's normal for my husband to go visit a friend just to see her without any occasion?

I'm not comfortable about this. I even asked my husband if he wants to bring me with him. He said he didn't want me to go because he didn't want me to feel left out. 

Would anyone give me any advise about this?

Thanks so much!!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

She wants to visit with him, she needs to come to his turf to do it or not at all.

And he doesn't want you to feel left out? I think it's too late for that one. 

I think you are uneasy about this for a reason. If he insists on going, then you insist on going too. Don't take no for an answer.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Don't ask him. Tell him you want to go. If he says no, tell him you don't feel comfortable with him going to visit another woman without you. This is a boundary test that you are so far failing.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I think if you're uncomfortable one of two things should happen:

1 - He cancels the trip - He's married for cryin out loud
2 - You go with him on the trip

If either spouse is uncomfortable with another's actions, that should be reason enough for a change.

If he balks at this, ask him if he minds that while he's away, you're going to make plans to visit your ex-boyfriend and stay at his place to save a few dollars


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Hey, I'm famous (or infamous) around here for asserting that married people can have opposite sex friends, but even I smell a huge rat here.

Go with him. Period. Or invite her to your home.


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## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

I tend to agree.. When you marry someone you DO NOT go to visit a friend of the opposite sex especially not without the family..I see a HUGE red flag with this one, have you know about his online relationship with her this whole time? I agree with the others when they say you tell him you want to go with him and his reaction after you saying you dont feel comfortable will give you your answer...Question...Would he be ok with you visiting a male friend?


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

And I am the 'resident' NO opsex friendships! Seriously though...this isn't meeting for a coffee, this is a trip that your husband is out and out excluding you from because he doesn't want you to feel left out. Tell him "No problem, Honey, I won't feel left out at all. I'll be right there with BOTH of you the entire time!".


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

The guy has some huge cajones, I give him that much. I wish my husband WOULD come at me with some ish like this.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

sculley said:


> I tend to agree.. When you marry someone you DO NOT go to visit a friend of the opposite sex especially not without the family..I see a HUGE red flag with this one, have you know about his online relationship with her this whole time? I agree with the others when they say you tell him you want to go with him and his reaction after you saying you dont feel comfortable will give you your answer...*Question...Would he be ok with you visiting a male friend*?


It doesn't even matter, that's just tit for tat. All he has to do is say "No dear, I have absolutely NO problem with that at all.", and Wifey is still effed without a kiss, while her husband goes off on holiday with another woman.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> The guy has some huge cajones, I give him that much. I wish my husband WOULD come at me with some ish like this.


You DO???? I'd effing kill mine...I've flipped over less, as you may recall!!!


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## kbhg (Jun 7, 2012)

Thanks for all of your advice!
I already told him that I want to go with him and he said no. Then he asked why I didn't trust him and how he didn't want to ruin out marriage. What should I tell him back? 

He's a very responsible and good man.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I have a married friend who has been on vacation with not one but 2 of his female friends WITHOUT his wife on a few occasions. I'm talking Cancun, Mexico and cruises with these women. They're single... former co-workers of his.

His wife lets him do it. And she wonders why her marriage is so sh*tty. She's one I don't talk to often... just.can't.do.it.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> You DO???? I'd effing kill mine...I've flipped over less, as you may recall!!!


Yeah I do, so I could kick his ass.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Show him this thread.

And he may very well be a very responsible and good man, but he's deluded if he thinks this is acceptable behavior, and keep in mind, I'm the poster child for Spouses Having Their Own Lives and Friends. If I think it's over the top, trust me. It's WAY over the top.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

OP. If he said NO you can't go along, I see no reason why you can't tell him "NO. You can't go.".

Grrrrrr!!!!! 

"Why don't you trust me?" is text book cheater-talk, BTW...sorry.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

kbhg said:


> Thanks for all of your advice!
> I already told him that I want to go with him and he said no. Then he asked why I didn't trust him and how he didn't want to ruin out marriage. What should I tell him back?
> 
> He's a very responsible and good man.


Tell him he won't ruin it if you go with him. Then ask him to really think about what he's saying to you. He wants you to be okay with him traveling to visit with some woman you never met and/or know much about. Why should you be okay with that? He wouldn't be if the shoe was on the other foot, and he'll lie and say he would, but let's remember, HE'S not the one in your shoes now. He's the one trying to test limits.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

kbhg said:


> He's a very responsible and good man.


A good responsible man would respect his wife's wishes. Tell him your uncomfortable with it and you want him not to go alone. If he refuses he's not a good responsible man.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

If he was a responsible man.. he wouldn't be irresponsibly going on a trip WITHOUT his wife.. to see ANOTHER woman...


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Don't allow him to put this on you. Again, he's the one testing the relationship with this nonsense, not you.

You know what gets me about this? The fact that he wants you to explain WHY it's not okay. You're his wife, you feel uncomfortable about it. Nuff said. Why do you have to defend that?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Don't allow him to put this on you. Again, he's the one testing the relationship with this nonsense, not you.
> 
> You know what gets me about this? The fact that he wants you to explain WHY it's not okay. You're his wife, you feel uncomfortable about it. Nuff said. Why do you have to defend that?


:iagree::iagree:


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## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

I agree it is a text book answer, flipping the switch like you dont have trust and then trying to make you feel guilty for not trusting him. I wonder did ya'll live together before marriage? I know when my husband and I were dating in our awful time in life he would do things when we weren't together then when we got married tried to do that sort of stuff when we were together my only regret was not putting my foot down from the get go. 
Stand your ground, do not let him make this about you and your inability to trust.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Don't allow him to put this on you. Again, he's the one testing the relationship with this nonsense, not you.
> 
> You know what gets me about this? The fact that he wants you to explain WHY it's not okay. You're his wife, you feel uncomfortable about it. Nuff said. Why do you have to defend that?


:iagree:


I totally agree with A Bit Much. He's testing your boundaries and trying to turn this around on you. Stand your ground. Let him pout. When he gets over it, he'll know where you stand in the future.


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## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

You sure ya'll have a great marriage just because of you two? And not because he is playing with fire with someone else so he is happy and treating you like gold so you wont question things? I am sorry I have been in your shoes before. I was blissfully happy not knowing what was happening he was talking to 4 different girls......


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## occasionallybaffled (Apr 12, 2012)

kbhg said:


> Thanks for all of your advice!
> I already told him that I want to go with him and he said no. Then he asked why I didn't trust him and how he didn't want to ruin out marriage. What should I tell him back?
> 
> *He's a very responsible and good man*.


There's nothing good and responsible about what he's planning. I bet he would feel different if the roles were reversed.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

kbhg said:


> Thanks for all of your advice!
> I already told him that I want to go with him and he said no. Then he asked why I didn't trust him and how he didn't want to ruin out marriage. What should I tell him back?
> 
> *He's a very responsible and good man.*


Apparently not, if he is making plans to visit some chick without his WIFE!

What should you tell him? It's a no-brainer... either you both go, or no one goes...or she comes to your house. And if he goes to see this female friend without you (I am guessing you have not ever met her?) then THAT is putting your marriage in jeopardy.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

kbhg said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> I just recently got married and have a great relationship with my husband. However, he recently told me that he will go to visit his friend (girl) in another state. He met her at a competition and have been talking online. I'm fine about it and thought that they are just regular friend. But now he said that she is a really good friend and it's been a a while so he wants to visit her. It's not even a holiday break or some important events are going to happened with her. Do you think it's normal for my husband to go visit a friend just to see her without any occasion?
> 
> ...


Ummmm. Just no. You offered a way for him to make the trip. You did not have to do that. Him putting you off was just wrong in my opinion. 

Would he be staying at her place?


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## kbhg (Jun 7, 2012)

He said that he's gonna stay at a hotel. He said that there's gonna be another friend in his hometown that is working together with this girl so they will hang out together. I have never met them.

I will stand on my ground and will not let that happen.

Thanks everyone!


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## occasionallybaffled (Apr 12, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Ummmm. Just no. You offered a way for him to make the trip. You did not have to do that. Him putting you off was just wrong in my opinion.
> 
> *Would he be staying at her place?*


Even if he said no... I wouldn't believe him.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> It doesn't even matter, that's just tit for tat. All he has to do is say "No dear, I have absolutely NO problem with that at all.", and Wifey is still effed without a kiss, while her husband goes off on holiday with another woman.


YES, YES, YES. It does not matter. YES. You are so correct. I see people turning it around to make a point but really it matters not. 

:iagree:


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

If I told my wife I'd be going out of town with out her, to meet a new friend that happened to be a woman. She would find her 7 iron and do her best imitation of Elin Woods. Ouch!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

kbhg said:


> Thanks for all of your advice!
> I already told him that I want to go with him and he said no. Then he asked why I didn't trust him and how he didn't want to ruin out marriage. What should I tell him back?
> 
> He's a very responsible and good man.


Easy. If he does not want to ruin your marriage he does not go.

You trust him to have better boundaries than this. He loses your trust when he asks to do such a thing. he can regain your trust when he cancels the trip and never asks for something so blatantly wrong again. LOL. What a wanker. Sorry.


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## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

kbhg said:


> He said that he's gonna stay at a hotel. He said that there's gonna be another friend in his hometown that is working together with this girl so they will hang out together. I have never met them.
> 
> I will stand on my ground and will not let that happen.
> 
> Thanks everyone!



So why would he be ok with a hometown friend there but no you? It hasn't nothing to do with not wanting you to be uncomfortable.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> If I told my wife I'd be going out of town with out her, to meet a new friend that happened to be a woman. She would find her 7 iron and do her best imitation of Elin Woods. Ouch!


Oooooo I think I'd love to meet your wife one day! Get some tips from her! Regarding golf, of course!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

occasionallybaffled said:


> Even if he said no... I wouldn't believe him.


Correct. It did not matter. I wanted to know how ballsy he was.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

sculley said:


> So why would he be ok with a hometown friend there but no you? It hasn't nothing to do with not wanting you to be uncomfortable.


Especially being RECENTLY MARRIED. 

My husband and I were like siamese twins when we first got married. Still kinda are after almost 10 years.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

anchorwatch said:


> If I told my wife I'd be going out of town with out her, to meet a new friend that happened to be a woman. She would find her 7 iron and do her best imitation of Elin Woods. Ouch!


I think mine would let me go.


She would just keep my naughty bits with her.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

kbhg said:


> I'm not comfortable about this. I even asked my husband if he wants to bring me with him. He said he didn't want me to go because he didn't want me to feel left out.


 Wow, he just told you to your face that when in the presence of the other woman (OW), they will be the couple and you will be the third wheel that gets left out. In other words, he would chose her over you. This friendship is more than just a friendship. It is way out of bounds of normal. He will soon be or already is in an emotional affair with this OW. This trip will give him the possible opportunity to escalate it to a physical affair (PA), which is why he does not want you to go.

He should not only forget the trip but you should demand full no contact with this OW. You are in a fight for you marraige and time is not on your side. The more he gets in the fog the more likely that you will lose the fight. Be prepared to tell him that you will see and attorney and mean it. Being willing to end the marriage because you will not be walked on or cheated on actually increases the odds of your marraige working out long term.


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## occasionallybaffled (Apr 12, 2012)

Say he does come to his senses and either: doesn't go or takes you with him... I would still keep an eye on him for the near future. Maybe next time he won't tell you all the details. Not trying to to plant doubt, but his ability to make good judgements is seriously lacking.


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## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

occasionallybaffled said:


> Say he does come to his senses and either: doesn't go or takes you with him... I would still keep an eye on him for the near future. Maybe next time he won't tell you all the details. Not trying to to plant doubt, but his ability to make good judgements is seriously lacking.


and not too mention he might wait until you get comfortable and not so suspicious anymore and go back to those old way and that women, that's what my ex husband did. It was a vicious cycle


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## kbhg (Jun 7, 2012)

OK, I just talked to him on the phone and told him how wrong it is and, how he turn it around on me. I said that I will not let him go without me and respect my wishes. 

Surprisingly, he didn't defend any more and said he will respect my wishes and how he's lucky to have me and love me.

Thank you you all for giving me these advise. I'm newly married and still don't have a lot of experience. I guess I found another home here in this forum.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

kbhg said:


> Surprisingly, he didn't defend any more and said he will respect my wishes and how he's lucky to have me and love me.


YAY!! I love hearing good results like this!


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

kb,

Good to hear!

I do believe as someone else said that you should keep one eye open in the future and see if you can find out about this woamn.

Look into getting a keylogger on your computer so you can see his activities.

I have to wonder if this other woman even knows he's married?


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## kbhg (Jun 7, 2012)

Toffer said:


> kb,
> 
> Good to hear!
> 
> ...


Thanks! I will keep an eye on this matter. She's friend with him on facebook and we made our relationship clear on facebook so she must know that we're married. Anyway, I hope things will be ok.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I believe.. many here have established... facebook is doom and gloom for marriage so be careful with that...


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## occasionallybaffled (Apr 12, 2012)

kbhg said:


> OK, I just talked to him on the phone and told him how wrong it is and, how he turn it around on me. I said that I will not let him go without me and respect my wishes.
> 
> *Surprisingly, he didn't defend any more and said he will respect my wishes and how he's lucky to have me and love me.
> 
> Thank you you all for giving me these advise. I'm newly married and still don't have a lot of experience. I guess I found another home here in this forum.*


Glad you put your foot down. It can be tough and unpleasant, but it's good for both of you. Best wishes.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

kbhg said:


> Thanks! I will keep an eye on this matter. She's friend with him on facebook and we made our relationship clear on facebook so she must know that we're married. Anyway, I hope things will be ok.





Gaia said:


> I believe.. many here have established... facebook is doom and gloom for marriage so be careful with that...


I can attest to that. A woman my husband and I knew from an online game was friends with BOTH of us on Facebook. While Facebook wasn't to blame for the problem, it certainly didn't help either. Not gonna tell you to go all out at this point, but stay aware at the very least.


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## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

When I got married we have a Facebook couple page no individual. When we were dating he deleted his account because women would start things. I am so glad to hear that awesome outcome!,,, good luck my dear
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

No. Not acceptable behaviour in a married man.


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## Wanting1 (Apr 26, 2012)

kbhg said:


> Thanks for all of your advice!
> I already told him that I want to go with him and he said no. Then he asked why I didn't trust him and how he didn't want to ruin out marriage. What should I tell him back?
> 
> He's a very responsible and good man[/COLOR].


It is not responsible or good to go out of town to visit an opposite sex friend on a trip to which your spouse has been forbidden to join you. It is disrespectful at the very least. And frankly, I would really be asking a lot of questions about why he said no. That is not reasonable. There is something fishy about this. Something's not right.


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

I give you credit for even tolerating the idea and wanting to go along as I'd be putting the kabosh on the entire idea on no uncertain terms!!

I hate to say it but a good man wouldn't TELL his wife that he was going to go visit an old girlfriend by himself..sorry. He wouldn't even consider the idea and you have every right to feel the way you do. It's just plain not kosher for a married man to be visiting an old girlfriend without his wife.

In addition, what's to catch up on that he needs to go and visit her if they're already chatting online? You're a lot more tolerant than I would be since I wouldn't even put up with that!! 

Good luck with this one as you say you have a great relationship with your husband but if he insists on disrespecting your feelings and going without you anyway...I don't think that says a whole lot for him as a good hubby. Again..sorry.


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## OneLoveXo (Jun 5, 2012)

TRy said:


> Wow, he just told you to your face that when in the presence of the other woman (OW), they will be the couple and you will be the third wheel that gets left out. In other words, he would chose her over you. This friendship is more than just a friendship. It is way out of bounds of normal. He will soon be or already is in an emotional affair with this OW. This trip will give him the possible opportunity to escalate it to a physical affair (PA), which is why he does not want you to go.
> 
> He should not only forget the trip but you should demand full no contact with this OW. You are in a fight for you marraige and time is not on your side. The more he gets in the fog the more likely that you will lose the fight. Be prepared to tell him that you will see and attorney and mean it. Being willing to end the marriage because you will not be walked on or cheated on actually increases the odds of your marraige working out long term.


^^^This. It's is not normal for husband act like this. Clearly it's MORE than just a friendship, it's beginning of EA that will probably lead to PA if he goes alone. I would not believe that he is staying in hotel, even if he is it does not mean he will stay there. And it's extremely weird he won't bring you when there is another person going to be there, it's bull ****. 

Have him cut ALL contact with that woman, what he is asking for is rediculous especially since he won't let you go with him. he is YOUR husband, either he chooses you or her. If he goes without you it's clear sign he has chosen her... I would file for divorce at this point.

If he had said "yes" the first you asked going with him than I wouldn't be worried about him having contact with her, but the fact he says no is BULL ****, he obviously has other intentions.

She can stay at your house or you go there, do not take anything esle for answer. If he goes nonetheless than you should probably seek a divorce attorney. He has NO reason/excuse of why he should go without you, why wouldn't he want you to go, unless he had something planned that he didn't want you to know of.

It's weird he is going to visit a female friend out of state in first place, and even weirder to deny his WIFE going with him. It's a NO NO.


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## OneLoveXo (Jun 5, 2012)

occasionallybaffled said:


> Say he does come to his senses and either: doesn't go or takes you with him... I would still keep an eye on him for the near future. Maybe next time he won't tell you all the details. Not trying to to plant doubt, but his ability to make good judgements is seriously lacking.


As much as I hate to say it I have to agree with this.


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## OneLoveXo (Jun 5, 2012)

kbhg said:


> OK, I just talked to him on the phone and told him how wrong it is and, how he turn it around on me. I said that I will not let him go without me and respect my wishes.
> 
> Surprisingly, he didn't defend any more and said he will respect my wishes and how he's lucky to have me and love me.
> 
> Thank you you all for giving me these advise. I'm newly married and still don't have a lot of experience. I guess I found another home here in this forum.


Awesome! Happy for you! It's good of you to put your foot down like that for any future problems


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## OneLoveXo (Jun 5, 2012)

kbhg said:


> Thanks! I will keep an eye on this matter. She's friend with him on facebook and we made our relationship clear on facebook so she must know that we're married. Anyway, I hope things will be ok.


Whether or not she is clear on your relationship makes no difference. Women sleep with married man ALL the time.
As the person says, I would put down some sort of security/spy thing on your computer, some will record every activity and pictures of pages they visit. 

I know it seems wrong, but monitor him for couple months, if nothing suspiscious you can stop. Some men give in to their wives wishes but just pursue it later behind their backs. So monitor and make sure he is as honest and responsible as you said he is. I do wish you all the best, but protect yourself


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