# thinking ahead for if I'm ever sexually active again after divorce



## onceler1 (May 15, 2015)

So I just got divorced last year from an 11 year marriage. We didn't have any kids, and we both grew pretty emotionally cold towards one another, so it was a rather peaceful separation.

The marriage itself was weird because I don't think I was ever truly actually into her. Sex got very mechanical after a few years, always the same thing.

One particular issue that I'm thinking about is how she and I could not communicate about sex. I tried to get her to talk to me about it but she would not. One time early in our relationship I tried out cunnilingus on her. I am not sure if I did it wrong or what but it made my tongue sore (like muscle sore) so I never did it again and I don't remember whether it was particularly good for her or not. Anyway, I had never done it again. So, I'm almost 37 and I've only tried to do that ONCE to a woman.

Now here's the thing...I read that it is actually one of the best things for women to feel physically good with sex is for their man to do that.

I'm trying to sort out---was my hesitation to continue doing it an emotional hangup that is 100% my own problem, or was it that I wasn't actually into HER enough to push past that barrier? 

Like say I fall in love again...and I am actually in love with the new woman, will that help me resolve my hesitation or not? I guess I won't know til it happens. Probably the fact my ex wife was terrible at communicating added to the discomfort we both felt. If she was able to just straightforwardly tell me yes, I would like cunnilingus, that probably would have helped me LOL.

Embarassing to talk about, but that's what forums like this exist for! Thanks for any thoughts, whether they be kind and compassionate, or snarky and cynical. I enjoy all information. haha


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Your tongue was probably sore because you weren't doing it right. You do not use only your tongue and you do not stick your tongue out all the way and only use the tip. Use your whole mouth, don't focus on just one area, do not just jump in and go for it (warm her up first), stop and tease her, etc. 

Here you go:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0007Q1CI...811108&sprefix=she+comes+first,aps,181&sr=8-1

Seriously, read it. 

As for communication, that will depend on whoever you end up. You could be the best communicator in the world and still have issues if you are with someone who refuses to communicate.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

onceler1 said:


> So I just got divorced last year from an 11 year marriage. We didn't have any kids, and we both grew pretty emotionally cold towards one another, so it was a rather peaceful separation.
> 
> The marriage itself was weird because I don't think I was ever truly actually into her. Sex got very mechanical after a few years, always the same thing.
> 
> ...


Lots of women like cunnilingus, some do not. But you have mastered the most important use of your tongue in the bedroom, talking to your partner about what they like!


> I'm trying to sort out---was my hesitation to continue doing it an emotional hangup that is 100% my own problem, or was it that I wasn't actually into HER enough to push past that barrier?


 You'll never know. It takes two to have a conversation, she didn't show up. Nothing more you could do.


> Like say I fall in love again...and I am actually in love with the new woman, will that help me resolve my hesitation or not? I guess I won't know til it happens. Probably the fact my ex wife was terrible at communicating added to the discomfort we both felt. If she was able to just straightforwardly tell me yes, I would like cunnilingus, that probably would have helped me LOL.
> 
> Embarassing to talk about, but that's what forums like this exist for! Thanks for any thoughts, whether they be kind and compassionate, or snarky and cynical. I enjoy all information. haha


You were willing to try, and when you couldn't get any feedback, you gave up. Sounds reasonable to me. Take that into your next relationship and you should be fine.


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## Marriednatlanta (Sep 21, 2016)

My DW doesn’t like it either and trust me...I have read/watched/studied on the art of c——lus. She is not into it.


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## CupCake522 (Mar 24, 2013)

onceler1 said:


> So I just got divorced last year from an 11 year marriage. We didn't have any kids, and we both grew pretty emotionally cold towards one another, so it was a rather peaceful separation.
> 
> The marriage itself was weird because I don't think I was ever truly actually into her. Sex got very mechanical after a few years, always the same thing.
> 
> ...


Oral sex is mind blowing for both partners , I am sure you will meet your match sexually that you both can discuss it and engaged in this event . Oral sex is a beautiful gift that you can give to one another , don’t let one bad experience prevent you from engaging it is worth it 😀


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Just before the wedding, you are allowed to sit on your own and really think if you should marry the other person or not. 
Also Please do not marry anyone else till you have understood what really was wrong with the marriage you have terminated. It is interesting that you both decided to separate instead of fixing the problems you had. You seem to know what they were. 
As for oral sex, for me it is too intense and I simply cannot bear it regularly so I only let him do it once in a blue moon.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Never, ever, ever . . . marry a woman who can't talk about sex.
BTW once in a blue moon is about every 2.7 years.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

You didn't do it again because it made your tongue muscle sore?

I think that's really really lame. Sorry to be brutally honest.

A female giving a male oral sometimes makes your mouth or jaw tired. 

Sometimes very active sex or different positions can make you a little sore or your muscles tired, like a good workout!

Sometimes your _actual sexual parts_ get a little sore if you are having a sex marathon weekend.

I think it's lame you didn't do it again because your tongue was sore.


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## Marriednatlanta (Sep 21, 2016)

Livvie said:


> A female giving a male oral sometimes makes your mouth or jaw tired.


I have heard this excuse more times then I can care to count and that’s only after 1-2m. I just told her to stop because it was hurting anyway - never started again.


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