# For men who fear divorce



## morituri

A long time ago, when I was married to my first wife (deceased R.I.P.) she sometimes tried to use the "I'll take the kids with me and you'll never see them again" card during heated arguments between us. Finally one day I simply replied back to her

*"Go ahead, I'll simply find myself another woman and have kids with her."* 

I will never forget the look on her face of utter shock and the nervous quivering vocal response afterwards that betrayed her false bravado "Fine!". Needless to say she never again used that threat against me and we were able to finally discuss like adults to resolve our marital issues.

Moral of the story? Don't allow yourself to be emotionally blackmailed by your wife's threats or worse, by your own irrational fears.


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## thunderstruck

Truth. I've heard that threat and gave the response you gave. Another time I replied, "Try it, but you should check the state laws first." Both times I walked off, leaving her with her jaw on the ground. 

Same with divorce threats...grab the phone book, tell her if she wants out to go pack her shyte, b/c you're calling U-Haul for her...now.


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## Married in VA

Morituri,
You are so right. All too often men are afraid of the legal system because they have read/heard about too many stories of being "taken to the cleaners" in divorce court. That may have been true a generation ago, but with the advancing of women's rights came an equality in the legal system, perhaps an unintended consequence? Here where I am from I have not sensed any bias in the court system to date. Joint custody is the norm here unless one parent can be PROVEN to be unfit. Spousal support is the bare minimum needed to maintain standard of living and permanent SS is all but gone here. 

Again guys, don't fear the legal system. A good attorney and some research on your part will help you navigate. YOU, however, must take the lead in your case and not just blindly trust the attorney.


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## mrmagoo

Ditto here, calmly agreeing with their pleas of divorce really shifts the power.... Akin to calling ones bluff dare I say... Mine threatened so long I finally said ok, ok, I get it, time to move on and I'll start over, then she didn't want to......


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## Jellybeans

morituri said:


> Moral of the story? Don't allow yourself to be emotionally blackmailed by your wife's threats or worse, by your own irrational fears.


I know this is a man thread but I just wanted to point out, this isn't gender-specific. It's good advice. My exH would constantly threaten divorce if I didn't do whatever he wanted. One day I just told him to file. I was sick of his emotional blackmail. That is no way to treat someone you love.


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## Jellybeans

mrmagoo said:


> Ditto here, *calmly agreeing with their pleas of divorce really shifts the power*.... Akin to calling ones bluff dare I say... Mine threatened so long I finally said ok, ok, I get it, time to move on and I'll start over, then she didn't want to......


Bingo!



thunderstruck said:


> Same with divorce threats...grab the phone book, tell her if she wants out to go pack her shyte, b/c you're calling U-Haul for her...now.


Exactly!


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## morituri

Jelly,

Your comments, as well as the other ladies of TAM, are always welcomed on any of my threads.


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## Jellybeans

Thanks, Mori!


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## LFC

This is what I did,my wife was forever threatening divorce at each and every arguement , so I finally said ok go on then , my divorce letter came from her solicitor this week, I think she tells her family no doubt exaggerating every little detail of our arguements and she gets there backing, 

Well I will miss my kids and I will miss playing with my son everyday after school (no kids were we live) ,but I'm not staying with a wife that always looks for the easy way out instead of solving our issues.

Yeah for her there is a new house being built and she is down for priority and she will get , some of my pension and child maintenance ,but I am looking forward to doing things for myself that I would never had done for myself in the prison that was my marriage


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## Catherine602

Suppose she said go ahead do it? Neither party should make idle threats, it is wrong for both men and women. However, if you are genuinely not prepared to divorce at the time I think it is better to say so. 

I dont think that it is a good idea to make marriage into a battle of the sexes. When there are problems, take the leadership and go into problem resolution mode. If you love the person and want to stay married why treat them like a chess peice. There is nothing powerless about identifyong a problem and helping your partner to grow. 

This is an example of not fighting fairly why not work on that problem. Making a fixable problem a power play esculates the dysfunction and unhappiness and never resolves the central issue. People end up leaving perfectly good relationships because they are gaming instead of being in a relationship. 

I think a true show of power and maturity is a refusal to play games. Having firm boundaries and let your partner know is tge best way to avoid bring abused . A response to the threat that demonstrates that sense of security is to tell the person you are hurt that their threat of a serious action. 

Let them know you are not prepared to give up on the relationship yet. Tell them that if they are that unhappy that you prefer to find a way to a happier relationship. Have a plan, make an appointment with a MC. 

Make a concerteed effort to work on fighting fairly. Decide honestly what will make you pull the plug. If it is one more threat, let them know and prepare yourself. If is is a failure to learn healthy conflict resolution after a year of hard work then do that. What ever it is, decide carefully how far you want to keep trying to get to a healthier relationship, let your partner know how far you will take it. 

At any rate, never take leaving off the table. It is a road to being taken for granted. People value what they can lose. But be willing to take the leadership on making things better if you have a partner who threatens divorce idly . They are not fighting fairly and like any problem resolve it from a position of strength not gamesmenship and fear.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## babsam

Mine is a different story. I am a 30 year old male from UK, My wife always threats me to divorce, not seeing my children ever etc.
Once she said to me that she will call police if I raise my voice over her abusiveness. she can lay her hand on me but if i even try to stop her then i am called an animal. if she hits me, swear at me then its my own fault cos she blames me that i am the one who is cause of her anger. 

When I have had enough 6 years ago and said to her fine call the police or whoever she wants to I am not scared cos i havent done anything wrong. She really did and i was taken to cell. I was releasde without any charges but it happened 4 -5 times and now i have got a bad record however i was never taken to court or nothing was proved that i am an abuser but yet i have always been called one. Now she always threat me to leave with children and i will be all alone.
once i said to her fine get a divorce then she didnt let me come in the house and i had to stay outside in december winter time without any warm clothes and it was raining. she did it 5 - 6 times. 
Dont know anymore when i had a good laugh or even a true smile on my face.... :`-(


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## sisters359

If you have made the mistake of marrying and/or having kids with someone who is emotionally abusive, etc., protect yourself. Voice activated recorder at the very least. Hidden camera in at least one room of the house, at the very least. It is just useless to think "I should not have to do this." You made the choice to marry the person, so accept responsibility for protecting yourself and your kids against their personality disorder/craziness. I may sound harsh--I don't intend to. I want to come across as, "This is your reality. Take care of it." Plain and simple-you have ways to do so.

Of course, I would urge people who are married to someone who demonstrates signs of emotional instability to get out before having kids. But I suspect that is not much help to those already entrapped, and that the truly bad behavior begins when someone feels "safe" b/c there ARE now kids to use as leverage. Sick, but probably true.


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## C3156

Jellybeans said:


> Bingo!
> 
> 
> 
> Exactly!


:iagree:


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## C3156

babsam said:


> My wife always threats me to divorce, not seeing my children ever etc.Once she said to me that she will call police if I raise my voice over her abusiveness. she can lay her hand on me but if i even try to stop her then i am called an animal. if she hits me, swear at me then its my own fault cos she blames me that i am the one who is cause of her anger.


You sir are dealing with an abuser, emotional and physical. You need to take action to protect yourself AND your children from her. Believe it or not, men can be the subject of abuse too. You only every hear about the "poor, defenseless women" who are abused, but it goes both ways. Funny though, there are no shelters for abused men...

You need to start carrying two (in case one breaks) voice activated recorders with you when you are around your wife. The idea is not so much to provide evidence for court but more to protect your behind in case the police come. If the two of you have a fight and she calls the police, you can calmly answer the door and play the recording for the officers. This gives them an opportunity to hear what really happened without the he said/she said. The general prejudice is to believe the woman, the VAR helps to level the field.

Best of luck to your future and protect yourself!


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## babsam

C3156 said:


> You sir are dealing with an abuser, emotional and physical. You need to take action to protect yourself AND your children from her. Believe it or not, men can be the subject of abuse too. You only every hear about the "poor, defenseless women" who are abused, but it goes both ways. Funny though, there are no shelters for abused men...
> 
> You need to start carrying two (in case one breaks) voice activated recorders with you when you are around your wife. The idea is not so much to provide evidence for court but more to protect your behind in case the police come. If the two of you have a fight and she calls the police, you can calmly answer the door and play the recording for the officers. This gives them an opportunity to hear what really happened without the he said/she said. The general prejudice is to believe the woman, the VAR helps to level the field.


I have recently joined this forum when i finally started searching for some help and advice on net... and i posted a thread few days ago. below is a link to it....
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...divorce-but-thought-children-stopping-me.html

i have already done my best I guess mentality is that men are the one at fault when it come to report to authorities... 
I dont know what to think of but i just feel too hopeless and helpless....


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