# how many times did you fail at 180?



## mk50 (Jan 24, 2014)

I know I have posted before about doing the 180 and I truly mean to. But then I slip and ask her to talk which leads me to bring up things that I dont have the right too.. Her possibly seeing someone else, where she is etc.. I know that we are seperated and that she needs to do whatever to find out what she feels is missing, but I just cant let go. I finally told her yesterday that I had been monitoringher FB messages since January. I told her I did it to try and gauge her honesty to me in which she has failed many times. I told her that I had seen her talking to OM even when she said she was not. She also was very sexual with another male who lives out of state. I told her that I am considering telling that guys fiance what he has been doing. but I probably wont. Needless to say she couldnt believe that I was doing that but I told her oh well, if you werent doing anything you shouldnt then it shouldnt have been a problem. I am glad I told her because now I wont kill myself seeing the messages. I really want to do the 180 but cant seem to help wanting to talk about issues with her. We are both in IC with same counselor and sometimes do Joint meetings. I see her frequently with kid exchanges, sports etc.. and we do text sometimes trying to be civil. I was just curiuos how many have started the 180 then regressed only to start again?


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

If you and her did get back together, could you trust her?

if you can't trust, you can't love

move forward, yes it is tough. my earlier posts reflect that

but that has been 18 months ago.....

Most say, if you still want the M to work

you must expose the affair

but I ask, what is in this for you?


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

mk50- plenty of people have started to 180 and stumbled, so don't feel like you are a failure just because you can't maintain and detach.

It is really a lousy feeling to still love someone when they don't love you any more, and it takes time to disengage.

For whatever reason, you aren't done hurting yet. At some point, you will decide that this person is not someone to trust your heart with, and then you'll be able to start to get better.

Its good that you told her you are monitoring her, because that will push her farther away from you, and if you can't get to indifference yourself, having the other person hate you and think you're stalking her will make her put active effort into driving you away.

So keep communicating with her about stuff, and you'll find yourself 180'ed before you know it!


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I regressed a little in the beginning like fighting with him or engaging him in discussions, also made the mistake of checking his dating profile but didn‘t reveal anything like you did to my spouse. It‘s best not to warn them about plans to expose or if you are checking up on them. That was a major flub as it gives her ammo to use against you in a character assassination.

The best thing to do is block and delete her from facebook. If it may help, you can even block her name or ability to look it up through your Internet modem. Sounds extreme but if it helps...


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Honestly Mk50 the 180 is one of the hardest things I found I had to do to get through the whole break up process. I remember when I first read it I thought please this is a joke, I was in complete denial. Everyone on TAM gave me the same (good!) advice which was to focus on myself and follow the 180. But I chose not to stick to it 100% because I thought I knew better and was convinced stbxh was coming back to me. 

I slipped up a few times, met up with him and every time he drew me in got me close only to push me away and cut off contact. It got worse when I was 'seeing' him for three months even though he was in a new relationship. So I really screwed up on following the 180, think I needed to because after the way he treated me and kept me hanging on to false hope I finally realised what a big joke it was.

Since December I can say I have been sticking to the 180 and it's so much easier now, I don't even want to see or speak to him anymore. I know you'll get sick of hearing it but time really does heal the wounds. Block your ex on Facebook, whatsapp etc because it's tempting to keep contact if you've left these ways of communication open. It took me a long time to completely cut off all contact from my stbxh but it works wonders so start from now, it would have saved me a whole lot of pain and drama if I had from the beginning. And don't be too hard on yourself if you've not stuck to the 180 it is hard but definitely possible to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mk50 (Jan 24, 2014)

Thanks Juicy. I know logically it makes sense, blocking her from FB isnt an issue because after I told her yesterday she deleted her account. Im still going to have to talk to her regarding kids and whatnot but I really want to try and move on, like I said I know logically the more I push the more I push her away but boy do I miss her. And I know I said like a wuss but so be it. I do know it will take time but I am an impatient person. I will do my best to work on myself and at times when I feel like talking to her maybe Ill just vent on here( haha texting her about MC as I write that last statement)


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## Feelingsadnlonely (Mar 3, 2014)

Hi there. I can't completely follow the 180 since my H and I have a child together and that makes it hard. But I pushed myself to do it and it's really worked for me. First of all, I've become much more stronger than I was the first couple of weeks when he left. I don't even cry anymore over the fact he left. 

I don't call him, I don't text him (unless it's something re: our baby), and I certainly don't seek him out to meet up with him. And guess who's doing the pursuing now??? My H even brought up the fact in MC that I don't ever contact him or anything (LOL) only re: the baby. He told our MC he couldn't remember the last time he saw his phone ringing and it was me :rofl: I'm like, really? You're the one who left!? :scratchhead: 

My H also "tattled" on me to our MC that he always asks me how I'm doing and that I NEVER ask him how he is doing (true, I seem very UNINTERESTED about him). And that he is always complimenting me on how good I look and how I never tell him anything  

My point is, try your hardest to follow the 180 as best as you can and the results may just surprise you. Trust me, I'd like to know EVERY move my H makes while we are separated but I just had to let him go and it's one of the hardest things I've ever done. But you have to let her GO. You will feel much better knowing you can do it!!!


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

Feelingsadnlonely said:


> Hi there. I can't completely follow the 180 since my H and I have a child together and that makes it hard. But I pushed myself to do it and it's really worked for me. First of all, I've become much more stronger than I was the first couple of weeks when he left. I don't even cry anymore over the fact he left.
> 
> I don't call him, I don't text him (unless it's something re: our baby), and I certainly don't seek him out to meet up with him. And guess who's doing the pursuing now??? My H even brought up the fact in MC that I don't ever contact him or anything (LOL) only re: the baby. He told our MC he couldn't remember the last time he saw his phone ringing and it was me :rofl: I'm like, really? You're the one who left!? :scratchhead:
> 
> ...


Wow, you could have been describing my actions with my XW. She asked about me, I don't ask diddly about her. Only thing I text/talk about is our daughter. She wanted out, by god she is out. I don't volunteer anything. If she asks, I answer succinctly. We are not friends, though I am sure she would like that. I have no desire to be her friend. I don't even know that I would take her back if she wanted to come back. Too much trust lost.

To the OP, just do the minimum contact necessary. Work on you and keep taking one day at a time.


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## mk50 (Jan 24, 2014)

Feelingsadnlonely said:


> Hi there. I can't completely follow the 180 since my H and I have a child together and that makes it hard. But I pushed myself to do it and it's really worked for me. First of all, I've become much more stronger than I was the first couple of weeks when he left. I don't even cry anymore over the fact he left.
> 
> I don't call him, I don't text him (unless it's something re: our baby), and I certainly don't seek him out to meet up with him. And guess who's doing the pursuing now??? My H even brought up the fact in MC that I don't ever contact him or anything (LOL) only re: the baby. He told our MC he couldn't remember the last time he saw his phone ringing and it was me :rofl: I'm like, really? You're the one who left!? :scratchhead:
> 
> ...


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## mk50 (Jan 24, 2014)

Yes lonely you are right, I do just have to let her go. I still wonder what or who (lol) she is doing and who she is texting but I do realize that I have no control over that. We do text about kids but I am refusing to bring up anything else, its a struggle because we are still co-parenting and We do want to get along. I just know its one day at a time but it kills me inside. Oh well some days are better than others.


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## Feelingsadnlonely (Mar 3, 2014)

mk50 said:


> Yes lonely you are right, I do just have to let her go. I still wonder what or who (lol) she is doing and who she is texting but I do realize that I have no control over that. We do text about kids but I am refusing to bring up anything else, its a struggle because we are still co-parenting and We do want to get along. I just know its one day at a time but it kills me inside. Oh well some days are better than others.


Yes mk50, it will be a roller coaster for a while. You will feel just fine and dandy one day, then the next, you will remember her and all the good times you had and what you could have done different to not make her leave blah blah blah. You will feel, man I love and miss her so much one day. Then another, I hate her for doing this to me....But that's ok. It's a process. 

Just remember it WILL get better. I was very co-dependent and look at me now! I am doing just fine without him and you will too!

The curiosity will probably always be there, at least it's remained with me. But like I said, I/you can't do anything about what they are doing at this time. We have NO control over them  

Next thing you know, you will realize they are not the first thing that pops into your head in the morning or the last thing you think about at night  

Hang in there and follow the 180. I'm glad I could help you some


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

There is no failure at 180. It is a path you walk on. 

Not everything you do is for 180 but every 180 thing you do is for you. It is a set of behaviors that assure your own needs are being met. It is important to point out that everyone goes through this struggle and makes errors in judgment between their own well being and obsessions with other things be they marriage, hobbies, work or whatever. Making bad choices is just part of life for everyone. Concentrate on what you do with what you learn from it.

Sometimes the path is overgrown and unclear. Sometimes it completely invisible, but rest assured it is always there....


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## Funkykatz (Jun 17, 2014)

I completely know how you feel. I am just starting to do the 180 now and man is it hard. At the same time I am doing this for me and that does feel good. I wish you the best of luck at it.


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

I sucked at it the first 8 weeks. Then I did great weeks 9 and 10. Then yesterday he started texting me about video games and funny internet videos, and his job hopes and I engaged and we talked all night long on text. As I am hoping for R I was super hopeful. He wanted to text again today but the racetrack he was at had little to no signal. I loved every minute of this contact.

Then he left the racetrack. Went back home to the OW and is now ignoring me again. 

I learned a lesson. A damn hard one but I learned it.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Pamvhv said:


> I sucked at it the first 8 weeks. Then I did great weeks 9 and 10. Then yesterday he started texting me about video games and funny internet videos, and his job hopes and I engaged and we talked all night long on text. As I am hoping for R I was super hopeful. He wanted to text again today but the racetrack he was at had little to no signal. I loved every minute of this contact.
> 
> Then he left the racetrack. Went back home to the OW and is now ignoring me again.
> 
> I learned a lesson. A damn hard one but I learned it.


hang in there. Like on the Matrix, Neo fell the first time


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## Funkykatz (Jun 17, 2014)

I know it kinda defeats the purpose but since I told my H I was going to do the 180, which I told is NC, I feel so much better about it. I asked him not to contact me unless it was something to with our D. I feel better because I am not sitting around wondering is he or isn't he going to call.


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## Kitten77 (May 9, 2011)

I have failed on a regular basis for 6 months. I would take 2 steps forward then 10 steps back. I was the one who would end up being upset afterward. Lesson learned! I have to do this for ME! I'm finally done beating myself up over it too. I guess I just had to learn the hard way. I'm stubborn like that. 

Today is a new day and I'm going to give him more space than he ever bargained for.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

once you realize this person is not the one you M

it becomes easier. sometimes people bury a valued momento

to signify that person's death. whoever that is inhabiting their 

body now, is a demon, corpse, host


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## hesitationmarks (Jan 30, 2014)

Good one Chuck, WAS's are sinister creatures indeed. I still can't quit blaming myself for my marriage collapse, though. It hurts.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

hesitationmarks said:


> Good one Chuck, WAS's are sinister creatures indeed. I still can't quit blaming myself for my marriage collapse, though. It hurts.


BOTH parties contribute to the downfall

it is never 100 / 0. Own your mistakes, correct them

better yourself mentally and physically. If you do not own up

to your mistakes, you will repeat them. TAM is littered with 

people who repeat their same mistakes 

over and over and over........


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