# LONG THREAD:Tried to make amends, rejected have to let go.



## Windward Whisper (Aug 5, 2012)

I little history-

I am 48 years old. I came from a very dysfunctional family. My mother was an alcoholic, my dad, even though lived in the same house, pretty much just resided there. Never was a parent. I had/have 2 sisters, one brother, I was the youngest. My older sister got pregnant at 15 and married the child's father that used to beat her daily. She had 2 more with him but then moved away. She was bipolar struggled her whole life and 13 years ago, she killed herself.

My mom and dad divorced when I was 17, he moved away and remarried. My mother died of lung cancer at 60. My dad found a new family moved out of state and pretty much left his old one behind. I guess it was easier for him start a new one instead of repairing the relationship with the old one. I accepted him for who he was and reached out and forgave him. 

When my older sister killed herself I called him and had to leave a message on his answering machine. He called me back and told me he was in Wisconsin and apologized for not contacting me, but he only had time to see either me or my brother, not both and didn't know how to choose between us, so chose not to contact either. Me always being the bigger person, told him that since he only had one son, and a son needs his father, I told him that if he ever had to make that choice, to pick his son.

My other sister was never around because of the dysfunction and found a wonderful man, got married and had two kids. She chose to dis-own herself from the family I tried to reach out once, but she made it clear she didn't want to have anything to do with bad memories. I haven't seen my two nieces for 13 years. 

My brother is also bi-polar and has struggled. He had tried to commit suicide a few times. When he found sobriety I tried to welcome him in to our family, with some resentment from my soon to be ex husband, but I wanted my daughter to have an extended family. He started drinking again, a lot, and I had to make the tough decision to let him go.


I ended up marrying an alcoholic and am now going through a divorce. It was hard to make that decision, because the only real family I ever knew was his family, however his sister dis-owned her self from the family, and his mother and father are very ill. His brother is the only strength this family has, but I fear soon, he may move on as well to get away from the dysfunction of his current family. 

Needless to say, my family is not close and I don't have much left. Family importance and values were never taught. I never made it a priority to try to stay in contact with my nieces and nephews, and neither did they. I have lost a mother, 2 sisters and a brother and cousins. My father recently moved back to Wisconsin, but has not made the effort to get together yet. I supposed once again I will have to reach out.

As of right now, the only family I have is my daughter. She is my rock, and if I ever lose her. I will die.

About a year ago, I located my older sisters kids on Facebook and reached out to them. They are all grown up, married and have families of their own. I apologized for not keeping in contact with them and explained why, not to this depth. I was hoping I could rebuild what I had lost through the years.

We were taking things slow and up until recently I found out they were not so forgiving and was rejected. Not politely either. One confused me with my sister (her aunt) and called me pathetic and selfish, I pointed our her error, but never got an apology. 

The other blamed me for not keeping in contact over the years, and took no responsibility doing so either. I again apologized accepted blame, even though they could have tried to find me as well, but didn't. But since I am the aunt the adult I should have tried harder. I accept that. The other boy seems like he would like to re-build our relationship, but after what transpired with the other two, I felt maybe continuing the relationship would not be best for either of us. However if he chooses to want to continue I would be here for him.

I have decided to stop torturing myself and moved on. I sent them an email taking full responsibility and told them that I would not be contacting them anymore, and removed all ties. 

I was going to try to reach out to my other sister, but because of this, I have chosen not to do so.

The reason?: I cannot keep allowing people to blame me for the problems my family caused me. I can't keep apologizing for the family I was born into. I'm tired of always being the bigger person and extending the olive branch. 

I am tired of the rejection I have endured my whole life. I feel like a little child begging to be loved only have their back turned on me. Does that make sense? 

I don't know if I am making the right decision, but a person can only take so much. Maybe what my sister and my dad did was the right choice? Maybe they needed to get away from any bad memories of this family so they could find happiness. Maybe I need to do that to, or am I being weak and running away like they did?

I struggle now with the choice of continuing to build that relationship with my dad. He apologizes every time we talk, I forgive him, yet he never seems to change. He said he moved back to Wisconsin because he wants to be near family because he is getting too old. I know that family he is referring to is his wife's family, because ours has been destroyed. 

I am really trying to build this relationship for my daughter's sake, but fear I am setting her up for failure and don't want to carry that burden on my shoulders too. Maybe it is best for her to not get her hopes up and feel the same rejection I have felt through the years.

I guess you can never lose what you never had.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

Windward Whisper said:


> I don't know if I am making the right decision, but a person can only take so much.


No one wants to feel rejected or let down. Sometimes there's a certain kind of inner peace that comes from trying to be the bigger person and always being the one to offer the olive branch. At the end of the day, and even when you are feeling hurt and let down, you will know that you did the right thing and made the effort. That can be validating because it says something about who you are, while their actions say something about who they are. Sometimes you have to leave the door open and hope that they will see that you care. You just never know when your example will be follwed.

All the best.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Windward Whisper said:


> I little history-
> 
> 
> I guess you can never lose what you never had.


Tough story.

I think it's "You can never regain what you never had." is more appropriate.


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## Windward Whisper (Aug 5, 2012)

pplwatching said:


> No one wants to feel rejected or let down. Sometimes there's a certain kind of inner peace that comes from trying to be the bigger person and always being the one to offer the olive branch. At the end of the day, and even when you are feeling hurt and let down, you will know that you did the right thing and made the effort. That can be validating because it says something about who you are, while their actions say something about who they are. Sometimes you have to leave the door open and hope that they will see that you care. You just never know when your example will be follwed.
> 
> All the best.


Thanks for the support. I agree, but it seems my whole life the pressure was always placed on me to make things right. Sure I admit, I never kept in contact after I left, but I was only 17 then and my life was not the best. I don't know if I'm an easy scapegoat or if I think some how this is my fault and just take the responsibility. I don't know.

However I did reach out after all these years and not because I wanted something material, I just wanted to try to get close to my extended family again. I'm upset that I was quickly rejected and hatefully as well. No "where have you been"? Just anger that I didn't try hard enough. They didn't try hard enough either, but I don't hold that against them.

Part of me wants to write them both a letter but I think it would just fall on deaf ears. Especially know that the two pretty much have an alliance. The oldest nephew has my number, so the door is open.

The youngest understands, and does not hold any of this against me. So hopefully we can rebuild what we lost.


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