# Seperation and Informing Family



## Sufficiently Breathless (May 18, 2009)

About 2 weeks ago my H and I decided to seperate, I am currently trying to find a way to move out as is he, and we are discussing selling the house and division of property and so on and so forth.. 

I have yet to tell my family this news. The last time I spoke to my mother about my marriage issues, porn and sex addiction, emotional abuse and my H's "online affairs".. my mother basically told me to suck it up and live with it, turn my head and pretend everything is fine and he would get over his little phase. 4 years later his little phase is at its worst. So I AM LEAVING.. 

But this weekend, I am going to be with my family, one of my cousins is getting married. As I have not told them about our impending divorce, they were expecting my H to come with. When I told my mom he wasn't coming and she flipped out about him not being in the family pictures and how people would remember how I was alone with the kids. I felt like telling her "get used to it, because he won't be in any more family pictures EVER!" But I just bit my tongue and said "maybe next time". 

Especially with this being a wedding, I don't really want to tell my family this weekend about everything. However, I feel so alone and have no one to lean on for support. It would be nice to have someone..... anyone... in my corner.

How do you tell family that you are getting a divorce? And how do you deal with someone in the family thinking its a bad choice, no matter what the situation is? 

I know my mother and she is going to FREAK the heck out, and tell me I'm being stupid, give me a lecture on keeping the family together for my children, all that mess. I really don't know how to handle her, she always makes me feel like I'm stupid or making the wrong choice. And I don't want this weekend to end up being about my impending divorce instead of about the wedding of my cousin.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Breathless,

Based on how you described your mother's original reaction 4 years ago, and her reaction to the news about H not coming, I too believe it would not be a good idea to discuss it with her to keep the weekend from becoming about your situation. Heck you know it would make the weekend even worse for you if that happened.

How about your father? Or another cousin or aunt whom you know would keep it quiet? There has to be somebody there to lean on. I'll keep thinking on that.


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## Sufficiently Breathless (May 18, 2009)

well I thought about talking to my aunt about it.. when i told her about what was going on in my marriage before, and that i was thinking of leaving him she was totally supportive and even offered to take me and the kids in... however, its her daughter that is getting married this weekend.. so I will in no way throw my troubles at her. 

Other than that no one really knows my issue.. as I don't broadcast every problem I have to my entire extended family. And all of my cousins are 5 - 30 years younger than me.. so no go there. lol 

My dad isn't the best with "emotional" situations. Hed probably just chug his beer and try to tell me to suck it up too. I don't know. He's my stepdad, and I love him dearly, but I just am not really close enough to talk to him about that kind of stuff.

To make issues worse, the town I am going to for the wedding, is also the hometown of my H.. his whole family is there. Not sure if any of them are coming to the wedding, but damn if that doesn't make things just that much worse. It's a small town, and if I say ANYTHING, it will spread like wildfire i'm sure... I'm probably going to keep my mouth shut. But knowing me, I'm sure I'll break out in tears at least once or twice this weekend.. 

Its so weird.. I've never felt so alone... yet surrounded by people at the same time.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

My recommendation is to not sweat it.

These are the people that _will_ be your support system. You know what is best for you. You know what _has happened_ to you, and your marriage. They don't. Your mom doesn't. If she doesn't get it, or doesn't want to get it, that's fine. It's not your job to make her understand or be comfortable with your decision. Therefore, you cannot let the challenges of unaware people weigh you down.

I experienced the same.
"Can't you guys just work it out?"
"So, what ... you are going to throw away nearly ten years and start over?"
"You seemed so much in love ..."
"You seemed like a great couple ..."

Nobody truly knows what goes on behind closed doors other than you, and your husband. None of those questions that I got were from people that truly knew us.

My suggestion at the wedding? Find someone that you are close to and can confide in if you know you are about to pop emotionally. Or, you can simply disappear for a while, or leave the reception after an hour or two.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

I'm surprised that your mother isn't more supportive since she must went through a divorce or a seperation from someone she loved at one time since you have a step father.

That sucks about the location and the small town. I know your aunt is the mother of the bride and you don't want to burden her with this. However, maybe you could just let her know why you might seem down -- going through the the same troubles -- so she isn't worried about you and it might make you feel better.

Feel your step dad out a little. Was he divorced? You might be surprised. My father, whom I never felt super close to has surprised me in my situation. I wish he and I had the connection we do now when I was growing up. 

I can't talk with my mother because although she means well the way her words come out sound so judgemental when she doesn't mean it that way, but that is what you hear in the moment.


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## LilMamaSlim (May 12, 2009)

I was lucky I guess, my family stood right behind me when my husband left. They were in shock but when he started harassing me, they were right there to have my back. They even helped me move. 

I also found I have friends all over who truly care about me and my kids. My family has been a support system, but my friends (new and old) have been the best support I could ask for. 

Either your mother accepts it and supports you, or she doesn't and you rely on your other family/friends to listen and have your back. No matter what, you are never truly alone, even when it feels like you are.


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