# Another lost soul looking for guidance



## Nurse2010 (Apr 12, 2010)

I'm to the point now where I've turned to the internet community for advice. 

I'm a 24 and have been married for 3 years. My husband is in the military. We dated only a few months before getting married, I was convinced he was the one for me and wanted no one else. A few months after we were married he deployed for a year. During that time he "changed" from the person I married. He became controlling and verbally abusive, he spent thousands of dollars on useless crap (things for his truck, etc), he would leave me ugly/curse filled messages on my voice mail when I didnt answer the phone, and he if I didnt do something his way on handle somethign his way he would "punish" me by not calling for days or weeks.

However all the while I tried to support him, I sought help from the chaplains on base and from other military wives. Everyone kept telling me he was acting this way b/c of stress and b/c he had no control over his situation and therefore was trying to control me to try to comnpensate, therefore i gritted my teeth and held on.

When he got home things only got worse. He constantly called me names, belittled me, controlled who I hung out with and what I did. Again I was told this was normal, that he was going through a "post-deployment transition" and that things would get better. 

Again...things only got worse. Countless times I would reach my breaking point and just break down, it was then that he would appologize and promise me he would do better...and i'd believe him. His promise would last days or weeks, but inevitably he'd go right back to the way he was. We saw 2 marriage counselors and he saw his own therapist. She blamed his anger and mood swings on depression and put him on medication...which he would take for a short while and then stop.

In january of last year I started nursing school. I became very busy, where as before I only worked a part time job, now i was a full time student and working part time. This meant I was no longer able to do the things he'd come to expect (cook dinner every night, keep up with laundry, keep the dishes & house clean, etc.). He was unwilling to help out with anything around the house, stating that his job was more stressful than mine and my school and would complain when things didnt get done or dinner didnt get cooked. By this time he had also racked up over $10,000 in debt on modifications for his truck.

Fast forward to now, I am living 5 states away from my family in a town I hate and I will graduate from nursing school in May. About a month ago I told him that I wanted a divorce, that I'd fallen out of love with him and that I couldnt take his abuse any longer. Since i would be done with school soon there was no reason to stay in a town and marriage that i'd grown to hate. 

He begged me to stay and once again promised me that he'd get help and would change. I agreed to let him try, figuring all the while in my head that he'd screw it up again just like the countless times before....however he has proven me wrong. 

In the last month he has done a complete turn around. He's started helping out around the house, respecting me more and even going as far as to call up my family and friends and appologize for being a jerk the past 3 years. He's also seeing a couselor once a week and taking his meds regularly. He's bought marriage books and is reading them, watching marriage counseling movies...the whole 9 yards.

Now my dilemma....I dont love him anymore. 

After everything I've gone through I am angry and bitter! I have no faith or trust in him anymore, and though I truely believe he means it when he says he wants to change i'm not sure how long this time will last....just like the others. I'm ready to start a family and move on with my life and I dont see how I can when I cant even trust my own husband not to go back to cursing me out over petty things. 

I dont know what to do....he is begging me not to leave him, to give him another chance. He swears he can make me fall back in love with him.......but im not so sure I can. I feel guilty for staying and knowing that I'm resenting every minute of it, however I feel just as guilty for leaving and not giving him another chance even though I dont want to give him ANYmore chances. I find myself wanting to flirt with other guys and go out with single friends. I feel like if this continues i'm going to do something that i will regret and that will hurt him.

We havent been intimate for almost 8 months and i have no desire to be with him. I will kis him, but only when he initiates it and even then its a forced effort and no more than a peck. I care deeply about him, but i have no desire to be with him any more...but it's like he wont accept that, he is hell bent on making this work.

I dont know what to do......i would appreciate ANY advice! Thank you and God bless!


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

You sound very hurt. This I can understand and is close to me. The difference is my wife has done it not a man. My wife had issues I never knew about really. Your husband has deep issues. He might have gained them from being abroad in war.

You have been good to stand by him this long. But it is quite possible he realizes just what it all did to him. As a partner , friend , and a possible father. I DONT want to divorce my wife because I can empathize (not sympathize) the reasons she has done what she has. I understand whats wrong with her and has misinformed her about the situation and how she acts. It has to come within you to want your marriage and vows to God and him.

You are reluctant to see the changes he has made as temporary but they can be 100% real and true. Your tired of being hurt and I understand this completely. This situation is going to be decided by you asking this one question. You obviously said the vows of "thick and thin. sickness and in health" Are YOU willing to stick to your vows before God , your family , and your friends to give him a chance at redeeming himself to you and them?


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## Nurse2010 (Apr 12, 2010)

I DO want to give him that chance, but out of guilt...nothing more. I am a Christian and I believe marriage should be forever, and i meant that when I said my vows but I have 100% fallen out of love with him. I care about him and his well being, but i dont love him. I don't want to work at it or go to counseling any longer b/c I feel like the more i "try" the more i am lying to both him and myself. 
Whats sad is my family, my friends and even HIS family supports my decision, they all say they understand (obviously i cant explain everything thats happened on this forum, but they know both sides of the whole story). My dilemma stems from the fact that I feel extremely guilty about leaving when he is trying so hard...but i dont want to try with him.


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

Well it sounds like you have hardened your heart. And there is no human fix for that and itll probably follow you forever


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