# Can't get divorced because I'm pregnant!



## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

WH and I were trying to R. I demanded no contact with the OW. He swore he hadn't talked to her at all. Short story, he lied and has been calling/texting multiple times a day while lying to my face. I went to see an attorney today and was today and was told the court will most likely not grant a divorce while I'm pregnant. I can go ahead and file but it will be pretty pointless. Since WH is agreeable on helping with the finances and visitation schedule at the moment, the attorney's advice is to wait until July when the baby's born and then file. 

How do I begin to move on in the meantime? I'm crushed and just want to begin the healing process but I'm looking at 4-6 more months of limbo.


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

Sorry to hear this. Do you have family in the area? It is important to have family and friends around. Try to get involved in a support group. Focus on a hobby, keep busy.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I have never before of a court not granting a divorce because of a pregnancy. 

Are you sure that is the law wher eyou live? Research that some more.

Sorry to hear of what happened.

You are better off. He is still having an affair. 

Has he moved out? Tell him to go. Don't leave the home. In the interim, try to busy yourself with focusing on your baby and get good support system with your friends and family.

Oh and if she is married/partnered, expose the affair to her partner w/o telling your husband or her.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well now we know why he wasn't doing the other things for a real R 

I'm so sorry aqua, I wish it would've turned out better for you


edit- answered as I was typing


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## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

She isn't married, she's a 19 year old GIRL. 

I have an awesome support system but I just don't know how to deal with the knowledge that I'm sitting at home, growing this child we created while he's out running around with his girlfriend. If we were at least legally separated, I would feel better.

This is the law where I'm from, but I wasn't aware of it until today. The attorney said if I wished, we could go ahead and file but unless it's an extreme case of safety, etc. the court wouldn't finalize until after the birth.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Just because you can't get a divorce right now doesn't mean you can't separate. Get a place to live, separate your finances, etc. A divorce is merely the formalization and legalization of that process.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Gross. I'm sorry you're going through this. 

Check into the law more.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

what a dumb law, obvious old boy school law to prevent women from "taking" men's children away since they aren't "reasonable" during pregnancy.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

PBear said:


> Just because you can't get a divorce right now doesn't mean you can't separate. Get a place to live, separate your finances, etc. A divorce is merely the formalization and legalization of that process.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


this


do all of the other stuff in preparation, the actual decree of divorce will mostly be paperwork. You'll be busy with a baby soon anyways, so might as well do that stuff now.

can you at least get an order for support and the like in place?


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## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

At the moment, he's being very agreeable about finances and the like. I told him I would make a list of what I feel his contribution should be and he could make suggestions or changes as he felt need be. He said he'd give me any money I needed.

He also said he'd start the process of getting his bills transferred over into his name. Our car insurance, cell phone bills, cash accounts, everything are tied together. Should I wait for him to take the lead on this or should I just close our joint accounts and let him deal with his own stuff? I'm trying to keep this as civil as possible so I don't want to do anything mean, I just want to protect myself.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

aqua123 said:


> At the moment, he's being very agreeable about finances and the like. I told him I would make a list of what I feel his contribution should be and he could make suggestions or changes as he felt need be. He said he'd give me any money I needed.
> 
> He also said he'd start the process of getting his bills transferred over into his name. Our car insurance, cell phone bills, cash accounts, everything are tied together. Should I wait for him to take the lead on this or should I just close our joint accounts and let him deal with his own stuff? I'm trying to keep this as civil as possible so I don't want to do anything mean, I just want to protect myself.


well you can't trust him on anything right now, can you?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

and being civil doesn't mean you try to make it any easier on him

I'd contact the lawyer again and at least find out if you can get rights written down and ordered by the courts


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I would say to let him take the lead, but verify that things are getting done. Disturb the peace if you have to, but it likely be more amicable if you give him a chance first.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

I think you're right AR. I desperately want something in writing, moreso for my peace of mind and sanity than anything. I can't stand the fact that I have to be married to him for one more minute, but if I could at least get something from the courts in writing, I think I would feel better. 

This sucks.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I really feel for you aqua, my OM's wife gave birth less than a week from my Dday so I always feel terrible for pregnant women who have cheating husbands. It's probably the one thing I have the most trouble with in regards to my wife, the fact that she would willingly engage in an affair with a man whose first child was coming into the world in the next month.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

and please please know, that you will be just fine somewhere down the line

you have shown us that you are a strong woman and you will have happiness


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## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

It's hard to believe that I'll ever find love again. If after 12 years, WH could cheat I feel like everyone will. I also feel like damaged goods. At 26 years old, I have a 3 year old and I'm 5 months pregnant. What kind of man seeks that?


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

there is someone out there for you that will love, respect and cherish you (and your children)------just don't rush it and you'll find each other.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well I aint saying to start dating now!

but 26 is so young and there are many women in your situation who have gone to find love again and new husbands again who treat them with the love loyalty and respect you deserve

but that shouldn't be your focus right now, stay as healthy as possible for your child and future child, lean on whomever you can, your church sounds like a good place too.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I think in that case I would move to another country and plead refugee status. Can't get divorced while pregnant? That has GOT to be unconstitutional. Here is the loophole you need: he lied to you in order to have sex. This implies NONCONSENT. Because if you KNEW, you never would have CONSENTED. In that case, it is as bad or even worse than straight-out rape. I would just leave. Who cares what the law says? There is a higher law than whatever institution thought that one up.


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## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

Believe me, entering into a new relationship is the LAST thing on my mind! It just irks me that STBXH is prancing around with his little girlfriend while I'll be lucky to ever find someone to love not only me, but my kids too. 

I'm furious about the stupid law right now. It's so unfair, but then again this whole situation that I was flung into without my consent is unfair. Why not add one more thing onto the growing pile?!


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I think in that case I would move to another country and plead refugee status. Can't get divorced while pregnant? That has GOT to be unconstitutional. Here is the loophole you need: he lied to you in order to have sex. This implies NONCONSENT. Because if you KNEW, you never would have CONSENTED. In that case, it is as bad or even worse than straight-out rape. I would just leave. Who cares what the law says? There is a higher law than whatever institution thought that one up.


:lol::lol::lol::lol:

I agree that the husband is a dirtbag. But this is a perfect example of why the internet is awful.

If someone read the above statement and actually thought there was some legitimacy to it, then an anonymous poster has succeeded in dumbing down the definition of rape until it's unintelligible. What does rape mean now? Whatever you want it to mean.

No offense.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

aqua123 said:


> Believe me, entering into a new relationship is the LAST thing on my mind! It just irks me that STBXH is prancing around with his little girlfriend while I'll be lucky to ever find someone to love not only me, but my kids too.


This is NOT the case. In today's day and age many women are having children before they get married or even in lui of marriage. With so many divorces happening each day blended families are becoming the norm not the exception. You children will never be a burden for you in finding someone to love you.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> :lol::lol::lol::lol:
> 
> I agree that the husband is a dirtbag. But this is a perfect example of why the internet is awful.
> 
> ...


In other countries, consent is an issue.
To get someone pregnant who wouldn't have sex with you if they knew you had another partner, is wrong. In other countries it IS rape, these countries have higher standards of consent than ours. Ones that are more humane and more punitive for people who do things that are morally and ethically wrong.
Other countries have law of INFORMED CONSENT.
Here we have a similar concept, in medicine, so why is sex different? Informed consent is informed consent.
I don't see why a rape cannot be called a rape, just because so many people can get away with lying to obtain sex, doesn't mean that it's somehow suddenly RIGHT.

Law becomes law when people bring issues to court.
Now she is stuck with a guy who got her pregnant by lying, and perhaps in order to keep her from getting a divorce, while he could do whatever he wanted. That is not in the spirit of this law that prevents divcorce from happening when pregnant, which was to protect women from being abandoned while pregnant, before it was thought that women would have property rights and equal status on the job, etc. It is an archaic law and it deserves to be challenged, it is punitive where it was meant to be protective. Unfortunately, it would take money to challenge it. Where do you think laws come from? You think they come from God? You think the laws and the wording that defines the laws and crimes just dropped down from somewhere into our civilization? If you think that way, you have no right to claim citizenship in this country. You might as well become a vegetable.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

This is the law in TX. Not sure where you are aqua, but I know this is the law here. I once dated a separated man whose wife was pregnant with another man's baby. He could not divorce her until after she had the baby, even though she admitted she was cheating and was pregnant by another man. His lawyer even told him he might be responsible for child support for the baby because the baby was a child if the marriage. Don't know if that ever happened, though, as he broke it off with me before they divorced.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> In other countries, consent is an issue.


I have never said it shouldn't be.



Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> To get someone pregnant who wouldn't have sex with you if they knew you had another partner, is wrong. In other countries it IS rape, these countries have higher standards of consent than ours. Ones that are more humane and more punitive for people who do things that are morally and ethically wrong.


I agree that it's wrong. I just disagree that it's rape. It shouldn't be rape. I agree that other countries have different legal standards than the USA. Some of those standards are better and some are worse. In some countries, thieves have their hands cut off. I don't know that those countries are more humane or better than a country such as ours that relies on restitution and/or jail time.



Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Other countries have law of INFORMED CONSENT.
> Here we have a similar concept, in medicine, so why is sex different? Informed consent is informed consent.


We have informed consent laws in this country too. And I agree with many of them. For example, a ten year-old is legally incapable of informed consent, so sex, even if voluntary, is considered rape. That's fine with me. Also, if I were to take a page from mythology and disguise myself as another man in order to sleep with his wife, I think that should be illegal as well. But there has got to be a limit to informed consent.



Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I don't see why a rape cannot be called a rape, just because so many people can get away with lying to obtain sex, doesn't mean that it's somehow suddenly RIGHT.


I'm not saying it's right. I'm just saying it shouldn't be illegal.

You're arguing that all those boys/men out there telling the girls/women how special and precious they are, and how much they care, just to get sex, are actually rapists who should be locked up. That's crazy. How about telling women not to fall for a line?



Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Now she is stuck with a guy who got her pregnant by lying, and perhaps in order to keep her from getting a divorce, while he could do whatever he wanted.


It's very unfortunate, yes. However, if you want to lock up all the people who lie to have sex, who will be left to grow our food, run our stores, make our clothes, etc.? There just aren't enough prisons to house these evil-doers.



Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> That is not in the spirit of this law that prevents divcorce from happening when pregnant, which was to protect women from being abandoned while pregnant, before it was thought that women would have property rights and equal status on the job, etc. It is an archaic law and it deserves to be challenged, it is punitive where it was meant to be protective. Unfortunately, it would take money to challenge it. Where do you think laws come from? You think they come from God? You think the laws and the wording that defines the laws and crimes just dropped down from somewhere into our civilization? If you think that way, you have no right to claim citizenship in this country. You might as well become a vegetable.


At this point, you've jumped the shark. My argument was against the notion that women are poor little brain-dead creatures who can't possibly be expected to keep from spreading their legs for some Lothario with a line or two. So to protect these precious snowflakes, we should just redefine rape so that most of those mean old men (and plenty of women) are rapists and can be locked up. That's crazy.

The law preventing divorce for pregnant women is a separate issue altogether. I personally claim no support whatsoever for that law. You have my permission to fight tirelessly to repeal it.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Please, get the paperwork filed for a legal separation A.S.A.P.! He is feelling "generous" now, but that will change! You need a legal agreement to protect you in case (or rather, WHEN) he decides you don't really "need" or "deserve" the money for x, y, or z. 

And yes, you will be able to move on once the legal separation is done--you won't live with him, you won't have to consult him or take his needs and wishes into consideration when making decisions, etc. It will feel so different, and you will be starting the process of healing that much sooner. Good luck!


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## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

I'm feeling really depressed today. Today's my daughter's 3rd birthday and instead of being able to focus on her, I'm wondering why he is still with her. I guess I had hope that when I saw the lawyer and tried to file for D, it would open his eyes to what he's doing. But obviously he really does want to be with her. My heart is broken and I'm feeling very low.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Separate from him and file anyway. The judge can grant the divorce right after you give birth. That way you don't slow the process down. 

I wouldn't let him take the lead on anything. I would file for child support and alimony if applicable and shut down the accounts so he's not giving money to his 19 year old girlfriend. Cause he probably is sharing your money with her. Just saying.

He absolutely does not have your best interest so why would you let him "take the lead?"


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## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

I have to say, being rejected for the OW is by far worse than finding out about the affair in the first place. And the worst part of all is not being able to understand how in a day's time someone can go from wanting to make it work to cutting ties like they were never there.

STBXH and I have started the separation process. He's picking up the rest of his belongings today and leaving his key. He gave me his debit card to our checking account and I cut it up so he no longer has access to it. I plan on closing the account with his name on it and opening up a new one just in case. 

I don't know the man he is today and I don't know how he changed so suddenly.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I think the condition is called dumbassery


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## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

:lol: That's about the only thing that makes sense, so I guess you're right!


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> I think the condition is called dumbassery


LOL. To use it in a sentence. This kind of cosmic dumbassery occupies a temporal plane of ineptitude and lack of reason so profound a Zen master could spend a lifetime meditating upon its philosophical consequences.


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