# Wife doesnt want sex....very little intimacy



## IgglePiggle (Feb 27, 2012)

I am the wife.....

For a number of years now....Ive gone off sex with hubby.....then I woke up one day and the spark had left...I still love him but it feels like a friendly love.....things improved a little and we had our daughter which we both wanted.....we married 4 years ago and it was after 2 years of me being affected by anxiety ....he wouldnt marry me in the way I could 'cope' with and the pain and effects got worse...including grief from his family. He didnt want to lose me so we married in a registry office and took 2 witnesses (my brother and wife) and then spent the weekend in a lovely posh hotel....we only married to have our child....even the sex on the wedding night I just did it.....I feel nothing for our anniversary....or the wedding as its clouded in the upset and lack of support I felt by him......

We have had highs and lows....we are best mates...have a nice life and good family. He has not changed his feelings....

We have been together 11 years in August. Hubby has always been complacent...lazy and took me for granted and I think its worn away at me......I do everything for him down to buying him nice clothes, keeping a lovely house, cooking great food etc...little treats, surprises and spontaneous things but he does nothing.....for the past two years now he has started to make effort but I dont feel the spark returning.......

We tried to have sex last night....I was turned on but not by him....it was awkward, I didnt like the faces he pulled and just wanted it to be over.......he feels like crap as Id expect and I dont want to hurt him.

He suggested we try 'swinging' so we now for the past 8m have had one or two select lovers.....I have lost weight, feel confident and alive....less depressed and trapped....but I know its papering over cracks.....

Anyone else in a similar marriage or can offer some support please......Thanks xxxxxxx


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

You too need to address your problems, but obviously swinging will not help either of you.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

So you have an open marriage?


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

You are definitely papering over cracks. These one or two select lovers...are they male or female? I notice you say you feel confident and alive, less trapped. This sounds like a very unhealthy situation. If you two are expecting the swinging to build your marriage back up by spicing things up, its not. Its driving you further from each other if you now feel alive and happy again because someone else is validating you. From your post it doesn't even sound like you wanted to marry to begin with. That is your issue, not your lack of desire. Desire wasn't there even on your wedding day. You need to ask yourself whether or not you really want to be married.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

You should tell your husband that you have no love for him. If he's happy being a walking paycheck, then nothing will change. If he wants a wife who values him as a person, then he will divorce you and find one. Either way, he will have the opportunity to make the choice.


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## IgglePiggle (Feb 27, 2012)

that_girl said:


> So you have an open marriage?


Of sorts yes....what we have is that we agree we can have 1 or 2 lovers for sex only purposes..... the rest of the relationship is fine for me and him apart from he obv would prefer sex with me but i have no feelinds for him that way


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## IgglePiggle (Feb 27, 2012)

Mrs. T said:


> You are definitely papering over cracks. These one or two select lovers...are they male or female? I notice you say you feel confident and alive, less trapped. This sounds like a very unhealthy situation. If you two are expecting the swinging to build your marriage back up by spicing things up, its not. Its driving you further from each other if you now feel alive and happy again because someone else is validating you. From your post it doesn't even sound like you wanted to marry to begin with. That is your issue, not your lack of desire. Desire wasn't there even on your wedding day. You need to ask yourself whether or not you really want to be married.


Thank you , you are right......

I wanted to be married but full of disappointment and resentment we went ahead and we should not have.....even hubby agreed it wasnt how it should have been,......but he should have stood up for me with his family and my illness with anxiety not make it worse.........he did marry me in the end because he didnt want to lose me but he wanted a big wedding....


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## IgglePiggle (Feb 27, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> You should tell your husband that you have no love for him. If he's happy being a walking paycheck, then nothing will change. If he wants a wife who values him as a person, then he will divorce you and find one. Either way, he will have the opportunity to make the choice.


I have told him I love him but I am no longer in love with him and he doesnt want to walk away....we are best friends and have a lovely life apart from the intimacy...

I know he deserves to find someone who wants to make love and be made love to.....

I do value him as a person....that is not in question.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

IgglePiggle said:


> I have told him I love him but I am no longer in love with him and he doesnt want to walk away....we are best friends and have a lovely life apart from the intimacy...


That is better than not telling him at all. Your husband may simply see this as a rough patch, rather than the end of your attraction to him. If that's true, then you could probably do more to communicate your feelings. However, with your husband approving adultery in order to keep you in the marriage, he may have a clear picture of the situation.



IgglePiggle said:


> I do value him as a person....that is not in question.


I should have written, "as a husband," not, "as a person." As you clearly agree, a husband deserves a wife who is sexually attracted to him.

However, if your husband understands the situation and prefers a sexless marriage with you over the other options, then I suppose that's his choice. It's not the choice I would make. And you probably won't be satisfied with it for long. But, he has made his decision.


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