# How long does it take to be able to forgive?



## Lost12 (May 6, 2012)

This has been the single hardest thing for me. My wife's affair was not all that bad by most standards. There was no sex and she never met the OP. But I've never been able to get over it. We've reconciled and we aren't going to divorce over it but I don't think things will ever be the same. 

I put my wife on a pedestal before her affair. She could do no wrong to me and I felt lucky to call her mine. I wouldn't even for a second consider another woman. I no longer have those feelings at all. I used to be jealous out of love. Now if I'm jealous its more of a possessive variety. 

I don't even have a right to really be angry anymore. I've had my revenge in spades. It hasn't helped. I still feel wronged. I feel like her affair stole a part of me. It ruined the specialness of our relationship. 

My wife is remorseful and she seems to be a changed person. We have full transparency and I trust her to a degree. I don't think she would have another affair. She hates herself for it. I feel like the affair has almost made me emotionally abusive. I don't think she had a single valid reason to cheat when she did. Now I think she might have valid reasons. 

We are almost a year out from finding out about her affair. She hasn't contacted OM and he hasn't tried to contact her since. What can I do to move on from this whole mess? I feel like I need to but I can't.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Lost12 said:


> We've reconciled and we aren't going to divorce over it but I don't think things will ever be the same.
> .


Five years post D-Day here. I will confirm for you, it will never be the same. But it doesn't have to be as painful either. Don't confuse forgiveness with trust. For me forgiveness was give quickly so I could move on from there. Trust, to the level we have now took years. But complete and utter trust will never be the same. I've finally come to accept that.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Infidelity kills a marriage similar to the death of a loved one. You make a new marriage with your spouse through reconcilliation or you divorce, you make a new friend when a friend dies but you never are able to replace that marriage or that friend or relative. You may forgive but you Grieve forever over what was lost


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## JustMe321 (May 9, 2012)

We are almost a year and half out from d-day. I can't say that I've forgiven him. I don't know if I ever will. I've managed to move forward somewhat, but I'm not living, I'm just existing if you know what I mean.

Some days I just think it would have been easier to D, as far as being able to heal and even grow in a relationship with him. My WH has some excellent qualities and if we weren't together anymore I imagine I would be much more likely to be friends with him. It's the M that keeps me in limbo I think.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

It takes however long it takes, for lack of a better explanation. Some forgive after a month or two. Some it takes longer. But just because you forgive, doesn't mean you forget. And the trust is never the same, for sure. Even if you eventually grow to trust your spouse, doesn't mean you trust blindly.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It took me a year, but my fWW had alot to do with it. There was a big life style change for her, and that helped, actually there was a big life style change for me too.


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## better than before (Aug 3, 2011)

We are almost 2 years out. I forgave him quickly, the trust will come back. The best advice I can give is to keep talking!! Your marriage will never be the same; I can honestly say ours is better, and we thought it was good before. I hate it happened that way- lots of pain for both of us. You do have to let go of anger and start to move forward. Good luck; it takes awhile.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Lost

Don't be too hard on yourself. 

It is a major breach of trust when a trusted spouse cheats. 

It pulls the rug out from under you and you never quite get stabilized, again. 

Beyond that it is humiliating and the deception is painful


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Oh... Lost12,

After the affair is exposed, analyzed, counseled, and generally talked about, understood, till the words fall off the page... it get down to forgetting and forgiveness. BTW, this is regardless whether you R or D.

1st the bad, you will never, ever, even it the best of days forget. It just will never happen. There are aspects of your wife's affair that will haunt you all the way to the grave. THIS is FACT. 

2nd maybe some-more, Forgiveness... Oh what a beautiful word. We love to throw it around like some kind of magic ball that instantly transcends our wishes without any work. Truth, forgiveness is work, it takes a conscience effort day by day... year by year. The biggest misconception in infidelity is that forgiveness is a one and done action. Far from it, it takes a daily decision to forgive the betrayal of an affair.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

How long depends on you. How much can you forgive, how much information do you still need, how can you still go on with your cheating spouse, etc...

And it also depends on your spouse, are they showing true remorse and working hard to help repair the marriage. Or are they just putting one foot in front of another each day and slowly walking down the path of R only.

Some people can heal quickly and move on with alot of help from their spouse and their friends.

Others take longer to forget enough to forgive.

And for some, they never heal.


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## Somanyquestionz (Oct 8, 2015)

You say better than before? Was this a blessing in disguise? Was it worth the hurt and pain?


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Take your time. You have right to do that,because you are not the one who cheated.

If your wife goes all angry with you,snaps at you because you would sometimes talk about her affair or you feel down then you know my friend she is not sorry for it.

Also some new therapist will help or friend,family member,just to let some things of your heart.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

3+ year old thread.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

*The Walking Thread*:surprise::surprise::surprise:


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