# And the house of cards comes crumbling down



## Gonna Make It (Dec 3, 2012)

Things finally crashed today. My wife of 20 yrs and I had it out. 6 months ago, I came here because she had told me that she does not desire me anymore. Today I told her that I cannot live like this anymore. She says she wants to save our marriage, but she STILL says she does not see me loving her. I do EVERYTHING for her. She wants us to go to counseling, wants me to go to counseling because of my anger. My anger is because she hates me, my kids hate me, my life is literally falling apart around me. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.

How am I going to go on without her?


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

If she wants to go to therapy with you, THEN go!!!!

She's giving you the choice to address issues in the marriage, to attempt to save it, and all you can come up with is "How am I going to go on without her". Get your arse in there and try to save your marriage. You know how many TAM'rs would kill to have that opportunity???? You might not like what she has to say exactly, but wouldn't you like to hear it and have a chance to fix it.


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## Gonna Make It (Dec 3, 2012)

What will it change that 20 years of my bending more than the contortionist at the circus because I loved her has not changed. For 20 years I have tried and tried to do more for her because maybe, just maybe, if I loved her a little bit more she would love me back. But she hasn't. 20 years of cleaning the house, making dinner, washing laundry, stopping whatever I was doing to get whatever she asked if I could get when I was done-including stopping my dinner to go to the store to get something that she wanted to eat because she did not want what me and the kids were having for dinner. What the crap else is the counselor going to say that I need to do. I don't have anything left to give. The ONLY times in 20 years that she seemed happy with me was when I would get raises/ promotions at work and then only until she got used to that money coming in.
Do I sound bitter? Yeah, I am. She said 6 months ago that she was going to get help and did nothing. I cannot help but feel that the offer of counseling is nothing more than a way to keep me from going for another 6 months. When I walked out yesterday afternoon, she never even came to the door to try to stop me. It was not until half an hour later that she texted me because she did not really think that I was hurt enough to leave.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Your mistake is you have a preconception that if you do something for someone they owe you something. If you don't get what what you think you deserve, you're resentful of it. They don't see it that way. That is a big "Nice Guy" tendency. Now you've done this for so long, you and the resentment on both your parts may have passed the point of no return. The good news is she has told you she will (through counseling) try find out if there is hope. It can help or at least answer questions about your relationship and if your resentment is misplaced, by a trained professional. It's your choice. 

You're here, so I assume you must be looking for answers. Here is a site with a quiz. Take it, see where you stand. It might be an eye opener.

No More Mr. Nice Guy

https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

I Think you should read "No more mr nice guy" and also Another book I Think is called "Married Mans sex Primer" (Or something Close).

From what you post you are a dormat and a Mr Nice Guy doing Everything for her. Nobody likes a partner that acts that way. 

You need to assert yourself and give your partner resistance to make your relasionship interesting. You need to (I hate the term) "Man Up". 

How happy would you be if you get Everything you asked for or wanted? That is a dreadfull way of living and I Think your wife has lost her respect for you, if she had any from the beginning.

You need to prioritize YOU! Make plans for you. Do things for you. Go out with your buddies. Get a hobby. Stop doing whatever she tells you or ask you. If you are eating don't leave the table unless it is a real emergency. If she doesn't want the food you cooked be pissed at her! Whatever you do don't ever go and by her something else. Stop doing Everything at the home. Make a list of Everything and then split it in the middle. Teller her that you will only do your half, she does the rest. etc etc...

Doing this will either push her away or make you interesting again. If it pushes her away she is a gold digger and and a princess that you are better without.

Work on your kids. Why do they hate you? Or this just what you Think because you are Deeply hurt at the moment? Anyway fix your relations with your kids right now.


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## Gonna Make It (Dec 3, 2012)

Y'all don't think I know I am a doormat? And as for wanting something from someone, don't we all just want to be loved? For the past 20 years I have gotten up each morning, thinking to myself "maybe if I do just a little bit more, she will see that I love her and am not going anywhere". What a joke, it was not that she did not see it, she counted on it. It is not that I felt she "owed" me. Far from it, I just wanted her to love me like I loved her, I just once in my life wanted to feel that someone loved ME. But she settled for me. I was the safe guy. I was dependable. I was a sucker. As I expected, I found a counselor that could see us this weekend and she turned them down because she did not want to go to anyone but a Christian Counselor. And I know why: they will tell me that I promised to love her and that I am failing HER by not providing everything that she wants. And that I am evil for wanting to have sex with her. I have no buddies, I have no hobbies, my whole life has revolved around her for 20 yrs. 

As for why I think my kids hate me: because the eldest, 17, has told me this and shows me a complete lack of respect at all times, asking his mother for things when I say "no". And his sister, 12, yanks away if I even try to hug her; something that she has seen her mother do so many times. The eldest and I got into a huge row on Sunday, He started to leave and I told him if he wanted to leave then to get out. She was on her knees shrieking. It was then that I knew she would NEVER love me like that. In her world, I am of less importance than what is in the refrigerator. I walked out after bringing him back, she never even came to the door. When we talked later, she said it was because she did not think I would actually go. For 20 years, she has time and again TRIED to run me away. I think she may have finally succeeded. I can not live like this anymore. I would rather not live at all.


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## Gonna Make It (Dec 3, 2012)

One more things, when we talked yesterday, it was her who kept saying we could save this marriage, that she wanted to save it and that she wanted to do counseling. I am the one who called a counselor today; the one who is the emotionally crippled one who is supposed to be too afraid of counseling and won't do it. And then she says she does not want to do that one. She was home all day today while I was traveling across country. She was home and could not pick up a phone. I picked one up as soon as I walked in the door of the hotel room.

I think her words were just words figuring she could string me along for another 6 months and then once again promise she would change. Or heck, maybe continue stringing me on, paying for her schooling and when she gets her degree, just walk out.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Okay, then you know it has been your fault for not standing up for your self and not setting boundaries. That's how she took advantage of the situation. 

What do you want? 

Do you want to vent? Then vent.

What will you do? Take control?

Do you want help? You were given a read to help.

You can get your respect back.


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## Gonna Make It (Dec 3, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> What do you want?
> 
> Do you want to vent? Then vent.
> 
> ...


What do I want? I want someone to tell me that it is going to be OK. I want someone to tell me that this pain will go away. I want someone to give me a reason not to, tomorrow, when the train is going by, just take a few steps forward and it all be over. Because right now I feel like I am drowning and it will never be right ever again!


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

None of us can tell you it's going to get better by it's self. 

We can tell you that it can be better if you take control of yourself. 

You need to stop this pity party. Stop worrying about what your wife and kids think. You can only change you! You can't change anyone else!

You need to take care of you right now. That will give you a reason get through tomorrow. It took a long time for you to get into this mess, it will take a time to get yourself out of it. There are methods to do that. I gave you one. Here's another to insulate your emotions form her.

180 List - No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group

Do these too.....

Make the appointment with a counselor of YOUR CHOICE, for yourself. Today. 

Get to your MD for something to take the edge off.

Resolve yourself to change this around. 

And for crying out loud, take a deep breath and pull yourself together. You're strong enough. You've put up with an awful lot, that alone shows your strength. You can do this because it will make things better in the long run.


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

crushedandbroken said:


> As for why I think my kids hate me: because the eldest, 17, has told me this and shows me a complete lack of respect at all times, asking his mother for things when I say "no". And his sister, 12, yanks away if I even try to hug her; something that she has seen her mother do so many times. The eldest and I got into a huge row on Sunday, He started to leave and I told him if he wanted to leave then to get out. She was on her knees shrieking. It was then that I knew she would NEVER love me like that. In her world, I am of less importance than what is in the refrigerator. I walked out after bringing him back, she never even came to the door. When we talked later, she said it was because she did not think I would actually go. For 20 years, she has time and again TRIED to run me away. I think she may have finally succeeded. I can not live like this anymore. I would rather not live at all.


Kids say stupid things all the time. Did you ask your son why he hates you?

Your wife doesn't love you like that because she doesn't respect you anymore. By giving her everything and doing Everything for her you have lost her. It is possible for you to get her back however. You have been given the Tools for that.
Regarding your 12 year old, her yanking away might be just that she is copying her mother. She has had your dysfunctional relashionship to show her hoe to behave, that might not have anything to do with her hating you.

Please make the apointment with the counselor, if your wife joins fine but you need it for you. Please also see your doctor for help with your suicidal thoughts. You can get through this and come out the other end feeling good again with our without your marriage.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

What will the counselor say that will change this situation? I don't know, but why don't you go to counselling and find out? You say everybody hates you, then maybe there are a few things you can work on with the counselors assistance. Your wife has given the relationship a chance with counseling, take it!


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Crushed,

How are you today? 

Hope you're seeing some light at the end on the tunnel. 

Will you be able to concentrate on the task at hand?

Just take a step on a new path.....

Let us know how you are?


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## Gonna Make It (Dec 3, 2012)

I have not killed myself yet, if that is what you are asking. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. Told her last night how I really feel. That all of this is because of me and I am pathetic because I give them everything hoping that maybe they will love me. She just texted me a frowny face and has not said another word to me. So apparently admitting you suck really doesn't help either.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

I didn't think you were going to jump in front of a train. 

I was interested if you calmed down enough to made an appointment with a counselor yet?

Did you do any reading?


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

crushedandbroken said:


> I have not killed myself yet, if that is what you are asking. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. Told her last night how I really feel. That all of this is because of me and I am pathetic because I give them everything hoping that maybe they will love me. She just texted me a frowny face and has not said another word to me. So apparently admitting you suck really doesn't help either.


I understand you feeling blue, but having a pity party is not productive and as you have seen not very a flattering light for you to your wife. This is going to take a lot of hard work if you want to save this marriage. Roll up your sleeves and get to work.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

I've told my wife before, "you know all I need is a little hint, just a small sign from you that shows you care", and yet, just like your wife, it never comes. 

What happens next? You get frustrated and angry. And when you do, she tells you that you have anger issues and that you need to get help to fix it. How messed up is that? I told her before, "you want to know how to calm an angry dog? Leave it alone until it cools down and then you pet it and show your affection. That dog won't be angry at you anymore." And yet it never comes.

Yes, maybe you are indeed a doormat. Its not bad to be a bit of one to the person you love. But if that love is not being returned then honestly, you don't need to be there any longer. Marriage is supposed to be a two way street.

You are hoping for that little sign just like I did. But maybe it won't come back because they don't really love you. One thing I learned, you can't force a woman to fall in love with you, no matter if you "Man Up". 

Everyone in your situation will feel like their life is ending. It did for me but keep your chin up because there is life out there. I had zero social life in my 14 years, dedicated it all to the family. Now I'm slowly building that back up. 

Get yourself in shape and get back in the game. The next woman who comes along, you call the shots. Please her and if she doesn't return that love back, ditch her and find someone else, because trust me there are loads of women out there who will love someone who treats them well.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

crushedandbroken said:


> I have not killed myself yet, if that is what you are asking. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. Told her last night how I really feel. That all of this is because of me and I am pathetic because I give them everything hoping that maybe they will love me. She just texted me a frowny face and has not said another word to me. So apparently admitting you suck really doesn't help either.


You really thought that telling your wife how pathetic you are was going to help?!?! Wow. OK.

All I see you doing here is whining and moaning about poor you. You want someone to tell you it's going to be OK? Well it ISN'T going to be ok. Not by a long shot. UNLESS YOU do something about it. And that's DO, not talk about. DO.

You have a wife who WANTS to work on things. Do you have any clue how rare that can be?? How many dudes come on here and bemoan the fact their wife DOESN'T want to work on things? That is a GOOD thing. See it that way and quit whining.

Now, unless you get off your duff and smarten up, you're going to lose everything here. So start reading. Read MMSL if you want to, and NMMNG (I don't normally recommend those because the good stuff in them is buried under a lot of crap). Read books about love and marriage. Start with The 5 Love Languages. Learn yours and learn your wifes. My bet is they're complete opposites. Read it with your wife.

Once you're ready to tackle things head on, get Gottmans 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work and find a counselor who counsels based on Gottman and get your butt in there with your wife.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

So this is all over sex?

Seriously OP what gives... she seems to WANT to do something about it so meet her halfway and cheer up.

You do that and perhaps she'll want you again. If not at least you both tried.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

Someone posted no more mr nice guy. I'd read that, then read it again, then again. Also married man sex life primer. 

Good idea to get your testosterone level checked. 

Giving someone everything you are will not make them want to return it. 

You don't make yourself a priority so no one else does either. 

You will change on your own, or like many of us, life will force that change on you.


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## Gonna Make It (Dec 3, 2012)

The trains was not a pity party. I work for the railroad. Real easy. But then I think about the guys who will have to clean me up. And I do not. But do not worry, I will not bother y'all with my whining anymore.

May you reap what you sewed! Oh, and for her "wanting to work it out". Not quite, she wants to keep it going the way it is going. Has given me seven different reasons why she cannot do a weekend counseling session. She wants us to do counseling, but does not want to schedule it. Yeah right!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

She doesnt want to work it out, she just doesnt want her gravy train to come to an end. She has been using you, taking advantage of you. Yes, you have allowed it, but at the same time, you have done these things in the hope that it will help her love you. I think its time that you come to the realization that SHE DOESNT. She has zero respect for you, and that has impressed the same upon your kids. You have a chance with your kids, though. But as far as your wife is concerned...go cold on her, work on getting yourself stronger and file for divorce.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You're not bothering any of us. 

You've already been told it's okay to vent. 

None of us wish you ill. 

We're trying to tell you that you're so wrapped up in your pain you can't see the answers right in front of you.

Read the links you were given. Take control of your life.

Good luck. Be well.


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