# Need Advice



## distressed2011 (Jun 5, 2011)

This is my first time to ever post anything....anywhere. A little background: I have been married for 24 years (2 children) and have been happy 99% of that time even though my wife has cheated three times that I know of. I had forgiven each time....except this last time. I discovered that she had been in an affair for several months and I read text messages between them talking about how in love they were. Needless to say, I was devistated but it answered my concerns as to why she was pushing me away and becoming distant. I became angry and withdrew. I had been through this before but she had never told anyone else that she "loved" them that I knew of. I filed for divorce and she became arrogant with an I could care less attitude. This lasted for about a month. Then she started sending me texts saying how sorry she was and wanting to try to work things out. I would have no part of it but deep inside I didnt want to live without her. She kept texting daily telling me she was depressed and couldnt live without me and she wanted to spend the rest of her life making things up to me. She started counseling to try to figure out why she had done this to me and told me that I should not change a thing about myself moving forward, that I had been a perfect husband and father. My heart was changing, I wanted her back but since this was not the first time I needed to see that she would change and her words were not hollow. I did not let her know how I felt and we stayed separated. I discovered that she was still seeing this man (who is very wealthy and showers her with gifts and travel) and he is 13 years older than her. She told me that she did not love him but I had given her no hope for our marriage. I actually moved back in for a couple of weeks and was trying to get over the hurt. I had a hard time and the littlest things would set me off. She told me she wasn't seeing him anymore but I found out she was lying. I moved out. Our divorce is close to being final. Finally.......My question is this, why do I still love someone that can so easily hurt me and how can I move forward knowing that I can never love any one the way I do her? Any thoughts are appreciated.


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## onceagain (May 31, 2011)

I wish I had that answer for you as I could use it myself. Although, my husband hasn't cheated on me, I can completely understand the "why can't I move on and stop loving him/her" feeling. Love is a wonderful and a completely awful thing!!! I am so sorry you are hurt and I am so sorry that your wife has betrayed you so many times. My first husband cheated on me so I know what a blow it is emotionally. As a woman, I think her line about you not giving her any hope for your marriage was the reason she stayed with the last man is a cop out. She was simply being selfish. It was in no way your fault. I hope that you will find peace and that you will be able to let this go and find someone who will truly love and honor you one day. Sorry I have no real answers, just support, to offer.


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## distressed2011 (Jun 5, 2011)

onceagain.....I don't know that anyone will have answers for me but its nice to know that there are others out there...such as yourself to offer support. Thank you


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## sadand (Apr 2, 2011)

and know that however you choose to respond, that is your choice. You keep reading here, you will see what people have done, and eventually, you will get better at making the choices


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## angelstarnash8567 (Jun 3, 2011)

I think you will always love your wife soon your ex. I dont understand how you feel as far I know my husband hasnt cheat on me I guess you can say. He had emotional relationship with other girls but anyways. I dont know what your religion is but God will help you move on and be happy again. I can tell you little bit about my brother life. He was with this one girl for 12 years, married for 2.He is now 6 years from the divorced. He is now married for a year and have a baby on the way. He found his new woman right after the separation. So you will found someone that will love you for you and that will not cheat on you b/c they want to be with you. Now I am not saying things can happen, I am sure you will found someone. I dont know if this help you or not. But good luck! God Bless.


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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)

I don't think you do love her, because that just doesn't make sense. Why would anyone _choose _to love a person who betrays and devalues them so? I guess that's it, though: I firmly believe that love is a choice. (Isn't that a blessing?! You have the power to choose whether a person is worthy of your love--it's empowering, when you think about it.) Some people don't subscribe to that belief, but it's true.

I'd say you probably just still have a lot of feelings for her and about the situation, and that's what you are feeling. You're hurt, grieving what you had (and what you thought you still could have at the end when she was playing games with you and treating you like a doormat), and after that long with her you likely still care about her as a person. But none of that means that you love her, or that you have to.

So sorry for all you have gone through, but I wish you all the best of luck in the future. And you get to walk away from all of this with a clear conscience because you know you have done e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g in your power to make your marriage work, she was just not willing to do the same for you. And that last bit, no doubt about it, is the decision of a person not worthy of your love.


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## distressed2011 (Jun 5, 2011)

Anonymous, thanks for the insight. I can honestly say I do love her (crazy, I know). 25 years is a long time and we basically grew up together. Everything was perfect until the first affair, which I dont think I ever got over. I feel like I have done everything to make it work....and then some. I just hurt because I never dreamed it would end this way....or I could be treated this way. I always put her on a pedistal and her needs before mine.....thought that was the way it was supposed to be. I still believe that she loves me but too much has happened to even try to make another go at it, especially with a wealthy man in the picture. I guess its time to let her go and try to restore some self esteem. Thanks again.


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## Kcrat (Mar 18, 2011)

Don't give up! I know, my answer is not the popular one! She just needs to keep getting MC, and also, you two should consider going to MC together. She needs to "find herself" and figure out why she has affairs...........what's missing in her life...............I don't fault you for loving her, and I believe it probably really is true love. I understand the separation thing with she and the "other guy." The more "no contact" I have with my H, I think he starts to consider (and has) talking to his "affair partner." The more I leave him alone, the more alone he feels. Also, money is SO enticing and unfortunately can make many lose all control. The best of luck to you. Keep us all posted on how things are going!


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## 52flower (Mar 4, 2011)

I have spent an immense amount of time & energy trying to figure out the answers to your questions. Reading, talking, & thinking to try and explain why and how the train wreck came to be. I think it's about grieving the loss of a friendship & relationship that had some really great loving memories. But then I get jolted back into reality... if a person really loved you they would and could never hurt you the way they did. It's hard to accept but it's true. I don't know if they carry guilt or are able to get rid of it. I don't know if they are truly happy about the changes they made that affected the lives of others and especially their own.


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## distressed2011 (Jun 5, 2011)

Kcrat, Thanks for the encouragement. I do feel like its true love, and have felt that way since day one. But as each day that goes by I wonder if its worth the effort.....not that Ive put in alot lately. Im just tired of being emotionally abused by the person I love. And then I think to myself, what could I offer that the rich guy cant. Obviously total life long devotion wasnt enough for her. Money and travel is enticing but she says she doesnt love him, I just dont understand. I guess I never will.


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## distressed2011 (Jun 5, 2011)

52flower, Im not even sure how the "train wreck" happened. We were both very happy for so many years. She still swears that she will never be able to love anyone else like she does me and still cant put her finger on why she has done the things she has done. I do know that alcohol played a part in the initial contact but if she truly loved me it should of never progressed. It is hard to believe the reality that she doesnt love me like she says. I do know that temptation has come my way and I loved her enough to honor our vows.......even during the seperation. Thank you for posting.


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