# Ashamed about being betrayed & being in limbo. Your thoughts?



## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

So, WH/STBXH & I are separated. Have been for 6 months. He cheated and became emotionally verbally abusive because he's got an anger problem that escalated because of uncontrolled illness. He didn't like the family intervention and blames me and my family for it and makes angry vague threats of violence frequently (most likely just angry macho talk meant to make me feel bad for what he's going through, but part of me is scared -- mainly because he so betrayed me that I feel like nothing is safe anymore and am a wreck). However, I'm having a hard time dealing with it. Because life basically fell apart after DDay (I mean, REALLY fell apart), I've been a big mess. I've been keeping to myself as much as possible because I think everyone can see what a mess I am. Today, lack of sleep and too much stress made me a little too chatty for my own good and now I feel like I've shown my roommates that I'm a total insane mess. I'm so embarrassed and ashamed. I'm not really insane or usually so pathetic, just kind of a wreck from all that's happened. I feel like a complete and total fool and I couldn't stop myself from spilling my guts. It feels like a new low. I don't want like to talk about my situation and I wish I was recovering better, but I end up babbling about it if anyone asks and then...I can't get a grip on myself for a while.

How do you deal with the embarrassment and shame of accidentally letting people see what a mess you are while in limbo and dealing with marriage-destruction fallout?

I feel like that line in the REM song "Losing My Religion", when he so plaintively sings his anguish in the line, "Oh no, I've said too much! I haven't said enough..." How can I stop falling apart at inappropriate times and losing my composure?


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

You probably can't. And probably shouldn't -- because it can be really therapeutic to let it out, talk it out, and stop putting on a show pretending you are fine when you are not. 

But it has to be with people who really do care about you, and that you trust to be yourself and not on show...

How about just continue being your true self with those whom you feel embarassed now, and telling them plainly and simply about the embarassment you feel now... giving them the opportunity to let you be yourself, open & honest (real friends) and have them support you as friends want to and should. OR not; and if not, then you know where you stand with these people anyway (not real friends), and who cares?

And when you feel yourself letting it out, you CAN remind yourself about whom you are unloading to, and assess whether they are someone you are comfortable being yourself in front of. By putting that simple self-test out, you can then assess whether these are the right people for that type of discussion, or not...

P.S. No need to feel ashamed... many people really do understand you are in pain, whether they've experienced it or not -- and will cut you a lot of slack as you work your way through it. Give them some credit


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

2xloser said:


> You probably can't. And probably shouldn't -- because it can be really therapeutic to let it out, talk it out, and stop putting on a show pretending you are fine when you are not.


This makes sense. It's the feeling of not being in control of myself that's making me so miserable. I have these major deadlines going on (gotta finish my doctoral dissertation and file to defend this week) and I've allowed my grief, anguish, depression, and inability to deal with this betrayal get in my way. I wish I could put it aside and jst focus, so I'm trying to. Everytime I do, though, it comes bubbling up when I do talk to people.

I fear I've overburdened my few friends already, so I've stopped talking to them about this

You make an excellent point, though. If they're not my friends, who cares what they think? I guess the truth is that I'm so embarrassed that I'm in this situation at all. I try hard to be devoted and committed to whatever I try and I gave my all in this marriage and...I'm so sad that I couldn't inspire WH/EH/STBXH to be faithful and respectful that I can't help but feel like I have failed, so I trust my judgment all the time now. I HATE how insecure I've become. 

You're right that others do get it sometimes. That's why I'm so grateful for this board. I've got to remember the bigger picture.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

You're hardly a failure...from what I know of your story, HE was. 
And yes, cut yourself some slack, by all means! Many people with 'normal and healthy' relationships crumble under the pressures of that final stretch to doctorate, so going through all of this along with that life pressure is amazingly difficult. 

You _will_ get through both. Don't be afraid to lean on some people along the way. Just choose whom and when carefully. The very act of choosing can be slightly empowering. And you may not like to talk about the situation at all, but remember that you kind of _need_ to. If not with friends, maybe an IC.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I, too, agree that it's probably best that you talk about your betrayal. However, try to only "blab" to those who are truly close to you and concerned about your well-being. I tolerated my estranged husband's infidelity for two years before he moved out. Even after he moved out I hardly told anyone but close family. For everyone else I kept my mouth shut and kept up appearances. We were a high profile couple in the community, and I was so ashamed. It didn't work so well to hide the situation. That three year "show" nearly destroyed me.

Get therapy, if you can. That's honestly the only way I got through most weeks there for a couple of years. Unfortunately I've still got issues that aren't likely to go away.

Don't beat yourself up over your husband choosing to cheat. It's not your fault. Hang in there and hold your head high! This, too, shall pass.


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## SilverPanther (Feb 2, 2012)

desert_rose- I know what you mean! I am not doing so well in the department of handling how to handle all the people who have to know my marriage failed. The people who hug and try to console I act stoic and awkward with, and then people who act stoic to me I find myself boring them with the details. Actually, I bore anyone who asks with the details. It'll go like this "What happened?" I answer "Oh, it just didn't work out..." this is my intended explanation to anyone who asks. But then somehow I can't stop myself from going on to say "I just can't believe he would do what he did. I really loved him, and he just refused to make it work..." etc etc here we go.


I understand about being ashamed of what you're going through, too. Even though rationally, you have nothing to be ashamed of. But we can still beat ourselves up because we simply can't believe we let ourselves get into this situation. That's where I am. I'm just astonished things turned out as they did and I didn't put a stop to it before everything got out of control. I'm angry at myself.

Don't beat yourself up for being hurt, betrayed, or even for being ashamed. And don't bottle it all up. ESPECIALLY not when you are under so much pressure with your dissertation right now. You have to find some sort of pressure release valve and use it, because it will not be pretty if you just repress it all.

I don't know about you, but I do find this forum helps immensely for that. That's why I'm here tonight, actually, I need to let off some of this pressure, and vent without shame.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

2xloser said:


> And you may not like to talk about the situation at all, but remember that you kind of _need_ to. If not with friends, maybe an IC.


Thank you for your kind words.  I'm trying so hard to hang in there. I don't really have anyone I *can* lean on unfortunately.  I do have a counselor. I wish I could afford to go twice a week instead of once a week, but it's not possible right now.  I am really afraid I won't be able to finish writing my dissertation and I know my committee is understanding and supportive and is going to be forgiving because they know my situation, but in some ways....that makes me feel even worse. 

Silver -- I spend a significant portion of my days on this forum, which might not be healthy, but which has kept me from spiraling downwards even more. [Hugs] to you because I know your story and mine have some overlap. Thank you for your words. I'm angry at myself that I didn't catch his behavior before, that I'm afraid of what he might do, that I allowed myself to be less than the "perfect" he expected me to be (and that last feeling makes me want to vomit because I recognize how messed up it is).

827Aug -- I understand. The pressure of keeping up appearances is really hard.  Thank you for your supportive words. Sadly, I have very few people I can open up to. So, I bubble over at the wrong time. If someone catches me unaware while I'm thinking, I'll spill my guts. I went through the airport security and the scanner people wanted to go through my bag. No big deal, but when the woman asked me some innocuous question about why I was carrying so much makeup or jewelry or something like that, I just broke down and started sobbing. Random things I don't expect just undo my composure. Somebody at a funeral I went to recently asked me if I was single and I broke down in tears and looked like such a fool. 

I'm ashamed because I feel like I've failed. I feel like I've failed to inspire him to treat me right. I feel like I failed in letting an intervention happen or not hiding our problems better so that there never would have been one. I feel like I've failed to give him the right words to make him feel loved enough not to blame me as a defense mechanism. I know that it isn't my job to hide his bad behavior. I know that he is the one who hurt me. Yet, I feel like I failed to be a good enough person and that's why he's doing this to me now. It's foolish, but I can't help it. I feel like I must have done something to deserve this (because I can't bear to be a victim) kind of punishment.  

Today sucks and I'm really sad.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

We are separated but in limbo. I get a lot of comments from people saying "don't let him disrespect you" or "have some self-respect" and I understand that these comments are made in order to remind me that I deserve better than to be cheated on and mistreated as a deflection/result of my spouse's cheating. I'm not actively pursuing him or seeking out contact. If he contacts me, I reply. Usually, I explain that while I love him and always will, his actions hurt me deeply and he needs to understand that I will not accept such behavior and that we need to talk about what comes next. He usually will be dismissive and disengage whenever I try to address what actually happened and what we need to do. He's blame-shifting and gaslighting and denying, still. More than being angry about the affairs, I am actually angry at his unwillingness to discuss this with me in a mature, adult, manner. I guess that's what has me in limbo. I'm embarrassed that he can just shelve me like this and expect me to come around to his way of thinking and blow me off if I don't. 

Is this what it's like to be in limbo and wait for your partner to get it together enough to talk to you about things?

Are any of you still in limbo and separated but unsure about whether you'll divorce or reconcile?
It's so hard not to feel insignificant, foolish, stupid, and ridiculous.


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## dazed/confused (Jan 18, 2012)

desert-rose said:


> We are separated but in limbo. I get a lot of comments from people saying "don't let him disrespect you" or "have some self-respect" and I understand that these comments are made in order to remind me that I deserve better than to be cheated on and mistreated as a deflection/result of my spouse's cheating. I'm not actively pursuing him or seeking out contact. If he contacts me, I reply. Usually, I explain that while I love him and always will, his actions hurt me deeply and he needs to understand that I will not accept such behavior and that we need to talk about what comes next. He usually will be dismissive and disengage whenever I try to address what actually happened and what we need to do. He's blame-shifting and gaslighting and denying, still. More than being angry about the affairs, I am actually angry at his unwillingness to discuss this with me in a mature, adult, manner. I guess that's what has me in limbo. I'm embarrassed that he can just shelve me like this and expect me to come around to his way of thinking and blow me off if I don't.
> 
> Is this what it's like to be in limbo and wait for your partner to get it together enough to talk to you about things?
> 
> ...


*sticking out a hand to welcome* I'm dazed/confused, welcome to limbo.  we have all kinds of feelings here, some that have been mentioned and others, such as anger, desire to punch our spouse directly in the face every time we see them. But, our loyalty to be true to ourselves, our desire for self preservation and mostly our ability to take the power away from our spouse that they have to devastate us is what makes us better. Independence is gained, good self worth is grown and the desire to make ourselves better is what needs to be number one priority. To hell with anything less!!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

When you stop *needing* him in order to feel significant, smart, or worthy -- you will be better for yourself, and if it ever comes around to it, better for him.

_Trust me_, I know that is easier said than done -- but it's still true.

Most people "in limbo" are indecisive about whether they will stay with their partner, or not. You are awaiting him to even decide you are worth discussing it all? That's a hard pill to swallow, looking in from the outside. It's not limbo for you -- it's paralysis! Because you don't have the prerequisite input from him that you think you need to make any decision... although from my view, you actually have ALL that you need to know what you're dealing with... :-( sorry.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

2xloser said:


> When you stop *needing* him in order to feel significant, smart, or worthy -- you will be better for yourself, and if it ever comes around to it, better for him.
> 
> Most people "in limbo" are indecisive about whether they will stay with their partner, or not. You are awaiting him to even decide you are worth discussing it all? That's a hard pill to swallow, looking in from the outside. It's not limbo for you -- it's paralysis! Because you don't have the prerequisite input from him that you think you need to make any decision... although from my view, you actually have ALL that you need to know what you're dealing with... :-( sorry.



While I know that I don't actually need him for anything in my life & that I'm an intelligent competent woman. I can't seem to make sense of the direction my life has now taken....He freely offered love & companionship; I didn't expect it to come at such a cost and I'm reeling from the betrayal and uncertain about whether it was all a lie or whether he just changed his mind and wanted out but didn't know how to say it. I don't know why this matters to me, but it seems to matter. Doesn't it matter? I think I know what you're saying, but, I'm not seeking validation....just can't seem to believe this is even happening....I trusted him, built a foundation with him, believed him completely, so....WTF happened? I just want to understand why...I was all in and now I'm completely broke (that's how it feels) and I didn't keep an exit strategy in mind, like it seems he did....

It does feel like paralysis (good analogy!) because he is avoiding dealing with this in the hopes that I'll just get over it and take his POV. I am in limbo because I don't know what I want. Every day that goes by, I feel worse about myself for not knowing what I want to do, not acting in any direction, and for being so broken by this. He's being a completely unreliable jerk and logically, I deserve better. However, it is hard for me to close the door on someone I haven't entirely given up on ad because I'm unsure of how I feel and whether or not I want to act on it, I feel stuck.

I'm ashamed, too, that this is getting to me to the point that I'm not doing well in other aspects of my life because I am depressed.  

Thank you for your words. Are you saying that because he refuses to deal with this in a way I find acceptable, I should just cut him out of my thoughts altogether? I just don't know how to shut off my emotions.  I'm angry with myself for not being angry with him...


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

dazed/confused said:


> Independence is gained, good self worth is grown and the desire to make ourselves better is what needs to be number one priority. To hell with anything less!!!!!


I think I'm struggling with this a lot. When I made a commitment to him, I chose to put the relationship before the self. He didn't. I know that I have to make my self my priority since he's basically checked out of the relationship, but it's hard to do because he's blaming me and I end up wondering if it's in my hands to fix or undo it which makes no sense, and then...I get a little mixed up about how to make my life better. I know I need to focus on me. I'm trying to...but, it feels wrong and like a betrayal to give up on something I thought would be part of the rest of my life.... 

I guess that if there is ever a time to be "selfish", it would be now. I'm just so used to putting myself last that it's hard to do....and that makes me feel pathetic.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

Maybe, instead of objecting to and questioning this loss....I just need to accept it.

I have to say, I don't know how. Maybe this is what I'm ashamed of, my inability to accept what's happened without understanding it.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I really DO understand... and there is kind of a midway point of thinking, if it helps: 

You are a "giver". Fine, nothing wrong with that -- and certainly no reason to be depressed about it or feel pathetic! So many men in this world would kill to have such a woman in their life. 

So think of your own self-worth in terms of being in control of whom you choose to bestow that gift... YES, it is absolutely the time to be selfish -- defining what you want, what you need, and what you will "get" now is going to establish a path for the rest of your life, either way. Making a decision to put yourself first, for this very important thing, is not pathetic at all! 

Not giving up on someone (him), and something (the marriage) is admirable -- to a point. But I'm sure you recognize that it takes two to make it work. You can't possibly make it happen by yourself. I wonder if you are much as I was for almost 10 months after my DDay -- I knew what the answer was on Day 1, but I refused to let myself believe it because I was (a) already divorced once and swore it would never happen again, (b) now a parent, and would never do that to my child, and (c) a great believer in commitment. But I knew in my heart that I couldn't accept what she'd done, look at her and feel it any longer. And although very painful and still working through it, once the decision was made and voiced, there is a great power (and relief) in having a direction and beginning to act on it. I immediately became much more productive and engaged at work, slept a little for the first time in months, and actually stopped seeing my IC because I felt in control of my life a little again...

Good luck to you; we know it's so difficult!


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

2xloser -- Yeah, my initial response was at odds with my later response, like yours; here's why:

My first thought was "OMG. How could he do this to me? Our whole marriage has been a lie because he's had someone else the whole time! Maybe I was a back-up plan he got stuck with. How can he cheat on me this much? I'm worth more than that. I'm gonna divorce him! Besides, it looks like he really wants to be w someone else."

And, then...I started to remember all of the wonderful things about him, about our relationship, all the stuff I didn't want to let go of. I remembered being committed to stick out the bad. And then I figured this. I just have to understand why he did what he did. If it was an exit strategy, fine, I won't stand in the way of him wanting to be with someone else. And, I said as much to him. I said, if you don't want to be in this marriage, which is what it looks like, then let's end it and maybe we can just be friends (I meant it, too). He insisted that I was wrong, the other people didn't mean anything to him, I was misunderstanding the purpose and extent of his behavior, he only wanted to be with me, etc. So, I thought, okay, he screwed up and he's not going to do it anymore -- MC and some work will be enough to fix it in time. But then, things got complicated. 

We had a family intervention because he was being abusive and we were living with my family (between places, relocating from one city to another, about to travel) and they had seen him treating me like crap and were worried about my safety. I defended him. My family yelled at him. The ultimate point was -- you're not treating her well, and not working, but cheating instead, so you need to either stop the cheating and abuse and get to MC or you two need to split up. Sounds logical, right? But...EH has an anger problem. He thought "No one has a right to tell me what to do! How dare they accuse me of anything!?" etc and worried that my parents would tell his family, he started trash-talking me so they all thought I was an imbecile. I was a crying mess all the time because everything had fallen apart. So he was trying to protect a false image of himself to them while crucifying me, claiming that I painted him as a monster to my family by exaggerating little things and they yelled at him. He claims he intended us to settle in his hometown (UK) instead and was making a way for that. That was a red flag for me. Then, the abusiveness escalated and he really tried to convince me that I'd exaggerated and screwed this up for us! Serious gas-lighting and I got worried.

Then, when I said, okay let's plan on MC because you agreed, he kept making excuses and said he wouldn't go. It was bad. Then I discovered all the other stuff he did that I didn't know about and it broke me to pieces that he had betrayed my family's privacy and hospitality and done some really bad stuff and also had been going out meeting people online from CL (either to fight or for sex). He is ill and he just got more and more unstable. I called his brother who he trusts to try and help us sort things out because things were out of control. I had to explain all the very bad stuff EH had been doing (saying lechy stuff about my sisters, stealing racy pics of one of them from her hubbys phone "for a joke", convincing my teenage cousin to hook up with a CL skank as a way to get better at being with girls, snooping in family's emails, and stuff + more). There was another intervention which included his brother. EH felt outed and judged unfairly and got angry and violent. I couldn't go with him when he went home, though I was supposed to be going with him; we were going for like 2 months. 

While he was there, I wasn't allowed to talk to him (complicated; serious counseling, breakdown) for a couple of weeks. His family started gossiping and ostracized him. He continued to get mad....and now he blames me for the situation he is in and doesn't want to talk to me except to yell at me for telling me I've ruined his life.  So, every time I say "Here is what happened; explain to me what I'm missing or your POV", he unleashes threats of violence and rage because he wants to beat up or kill my family for turning me against him, which never happened! They just wanted him to stop treating me (and them; he did some shady stuff to them) badly. This is why we're not talking about what happened or what comes next. 

Everytime I say "we need to discuss the future" he dismisses it or ignores it or rages about it and I don't know if he's mentally ill or having a tantrum or seriously has had a psychotic break or if he's manipulating me or all of the above.  I love him, but this is not a rug-sweepable problem.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

How about if the future includes you simply taking what is rightfully yours, leaving, being 100% done, filing for D, and beginning your new life without the turmoil, threats, uncertainty, abuse, and manipulation? Would he then want to at least "discuss it"?

Because with that story you've told, you ought to stop and read what you've told here as if you were reading it from someone else and had to give them some advice on what to do next.

I bet you'd tell them to run for the hills...

The argument of "but I love him" on one side vs. _everything else_ pointing to "get out as fast as you can" quickly wears very thin. Whether he's manipulating you on purpose or because of his issues doesn't matter -- you are being manipulated; everyone around you sees it (to the point of intervening); he takes advantage of it, and you lose in every way. You pine away for a guy who doesn' want to be with you, and when he is, he is abusive toward you? And even now, you are waiting for HIM to dictate what comes next... symptomatic of the very problem.

I admire and respect your desire to stick through it all, thick and thin, but at some point it's just plain foolish to remain emotionally invested in it all... it must be so exhausting. 

I say it is time to take charge of your own life, and leave him to settle his own -- and separate the two things completely.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

Perhaps I'm just ashamed that it didn't work out and I can't stop wishing that it did. I tried with everything I have in me. Maybe that's all there is to it. I hate to see him depicted as a bad person (by anyone, even by me), because I don't think he is a bad person, just a person with a bad temper who can be really immature and selfish and manipulative and aggressive in order to get his way sometimes. He's also capable of being generous, kind, loving, sensitive, smart, and fun. He's the only person I've ever loved or felt any real connection to, so letting go feels a lot like cutting myself into pieces. But, this isn't really about love, is it? I guess that if he isn't willing to compromise, isn't even willing to discuss that there's a problem, then there's no way for anything to change at all...so, maybe he just doesn't care and doesn't want to work things out. If I'm willing to let him dictate everything, then I can't object; if he won't accept my objection and treat me with respect, then it means he will only accept things on his own terms. I used to be a strong person. That was when I wasn't foolish enough to believe that there was such a thing as love. I don't think I like love because it's making me act like a complete idiot. I think I need to remove sentiment from my life and just let the head take over. He acts like he doesn't want me around, so I'm going to assume it means he doesn't. This sucks.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

Sounds like the stages of grief to me and I am so sorry. You should never feel ashamed of your real feelings and do not deny them either. You have evey dang right to fall apart when you need to fall apart and you have my permission to do so because it is for your own good to let it out!!!. Do not feel like you are in the wrong for it and it is not a sign of weakness or insanity to go through the rang of emotions you are going through. 
The only way to get passed it is to go through it.

I am very sorry you are having a rough time. Just remeber you are worth everything and you should be just as compassionate with your self as you are with thoes around you. 

Good luck and best wishes.


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