# Am I Cheating on my Wife?



## hotbot (Dec 22, 2012)

Hi Everyone:

I'm a 68-year old man. I've been married to my wife for almost 30 years. We love one another. I can't imagine my life without her. Sex and eroticism has never been a big or even a small part of our marriage. Our sex is infrequent and comes only if I initiate it. She accommodates me, but it feels routine. And she clearly doesn't enjoy it as much as I do. My sense is that it would be ok with her to not have sex at all. 

Our sexual appetites are different; sometimes I just crave the closeness and intimacy of those intimate moments together.

Thank goodness that we have all been blessed with an ability to satisfy some of our sexual feelings ourselves, and that helps to even things out a bit for us. But nonetheless, I sometimes have sex on the mind. While I admit that I have visited porn sites, I am most engaged with erotic stories. For me, porn images and video just create this passive link between my eyeballs and my genitals; erotic stories seem entirely different to me. It arouses my largest sexual organ: my creative brain.

A few months ago, I wrote an erotic story. It was a true story of an incident that occurred between me and my dorm roommate during the first week of my freshman year. It is the only time I have ever had a sexual encounter with a man. I published it on an erotic story site.

One of the things that I realized while writing the story is that I have a secret wish, and that wish is to experience sex with a man just once. I don't know if it is just because I have sex on my mind a lot lately, but I decided to set out to do that: I wrote a CraigsList ad:

I was very clear about who I was and what I wanted. I'm not a jock and I'm not interested any anything other than pleasuring one another. I'm curious, new to it, and have no idea how I will actually respond. Maybe it will gross me out, and I will turn around and leave; maybe I will like it.

I got several responses. I trashed most of them, but responded to a man who had had an earlier long-term experience with a man; they would meet occasionally for sex with one another. As we corresponded back and forth, our conversations became more and more intimate and erotic. I found myself asking him questions that I have never asked anyone. He let me explore his fantasies and I let him explore mine. We have exchanged neck-down photos of one another.

It is at this time that I decided to step back and look at what I was doing. I was getting ready to do something that puts my marriage on the line. I consider what I have done so far to be a misdemeanor in the court of infidelity. We have done some serious flirting and in our fantasy worlds, we have had our ways with one another in our imaginations. Making it physical takes it to another level.

I wrote my fantasy friend (we are still anonymous to one another) and told him that I was in a lot of conflict. I want to move ahead with him, yet I do not want to jeopardize my marriage. I chose not to meet with him. He understood, but he asked if we couldn't continue our fantasy play times. I agreed

These are private chat sessions that I would think of as cybersex. In our conversations, we build little fantasy scenerios, and become characters in our little play that we make up as we go. We can be as masculine or as feminine as we want. Each story is different. He masturbates as we play, but I don't. But I am highly aroused by it, and it keeps me feeling nice and warm for a long time. 

At night I go to bed with my wife, and I am beginning to feel like I am cheating on her in some way. Ironically, our sex life is getting better -- or more frequent anyway. I am asking for sex more often, and she seems to be more receptive. 

So that's where I am. I have a dilemma. It is clear to me that I am not going to risk my marriage to try something out with this man. My marriage and wife is just too important to me. On the other "hand" I have a real sex drive and a need for intimacy that is not shared by my partner. 

So here's my question(s): Am I cheating on my wife by sharing the kind of intimacy that I do with my online friend? And what about engaging in this erotic online fantasy play? Is this a healthy and safe way for me to deal with my unmet needs for sex and intimacy? 

Maybe your could say something about what you do when the need for sex is unequal in the partnership.

Is there something I'm missing here? Could it be that I am just rationalizing doing something that I want to do anyway?

Thank you for reading this. I'd appreciate your opinions


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Well , i would offer this advise. If you feel like you're cheating you are . If a relationship cant not be held open with your spouse , then you're heading down the wrong road . 

I’m about 10 years younger than you ,but i’ve been married for 30 . My husband had a "little mistake" , he sorta found another gf for about 18 months. Guess what , it ruined our marriage . At a time when we were to look forward to the rest of our years together, we now find ourselves trying to carver out new, “who we are” bc we’re apart now. 

If you dont want to stay faithful to your your wife, friend, soul mate, companion , faithful heart , then at least be man enough to tell her first ! Or be man enough to end it, realizing , you have no idea the damage, if found out about your little secret . 

~sammy


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

Yes, you are cheating.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yes you have been cheating. She will very likely find out. How do you think she will act when she does?


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

I must say, as a "student" of human behavior and psychology I find this extremely fascinating.

Unlike some people, I believe bisexual men.

To me they are defined as men who have a sexual attraction to/ and are aroused by other men (as well as women) but NOT romantically interest in men. So the idea of being "coupled" with another man or even kissing another man seems sort of "ridiculous"...romantic interest only seems "fitting" with women. 

Men who also have romantic feelings for other men, I think are very likely gay. (this is the conclusion I reached after "looking into this topic"...and while it's just my opinion, I really do think it's on point)

So I'm wondering if in your 'fantasy world' things get "romantic" and not purely sexual. I'm also wondering what your interest level is/was in writing heterosexual erotica or engaging in this 'cyber-play' with another woman is...because if the answers are: it gets rather romantic...and, the idea of engaging in this with a women seems far less exciting---then I wonder if you might be gay.

You said that sex has never been a key component of your marriage...did that "devastate" you to the degree that it has some men?

While the discernment of this "sexuality" issue doesn't have real bearing on what you choose to do going forward...it might perhaps inform it. 

But regarding your specific question, I'll second what sammy said: " If you feel like you're cheating you are"

That's always sound advice.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

In my opinion, anytime a person invests intimately in a person outside their marriage, they're not being faithful to their marriage. This is a problem because the inner conflict you're experiencing right now will remain and get worse anytime you and your wife are in conflict over something. Your loyalty will no longer be to your marriage. It will start looking toward the "what ifs" that aren't real, but that have been occupying your fantasy mind. 

I would encourage you to maybe share the story you wrote with your wife and tell her that you're curious. Who knows, you might engage HER creative-sexual brain. You might find her asking questions or saying, "Ok, I don't mind if you have this experience, but I want some ground rules." Of course, the opposite might happen, too. She may act horrified. Either way, though, you'll have been true to your marriage as you've brought it a step closer to genuineness and transparency.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

[ Either way, though, you'll have been true to your marriage as you've brought it a step closer to genuineness and transparency.[/QUOTE]


I like ! 

~sammy


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Damn right you're cheating. Men or women, it doesn't matter who you have it with - cybersex is cheating.

Read the book by Patrick Carnes called In The Shadows of the Net.

And STOP cheating on your wife. If your wife isn't everything you want sexually, you should not be married to her!!!


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