# Is this feeling a normal part of the healing process?



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

I just wondered if any of you coping with infidelity and reconciling, every have times when you think why? Why not just end it and not deal with the baggage? I know that's a self-indulgent thought but right now I feel that .... he hasn't done anything wrong its just that with life there is a lot of pressure especially in these economic times that is impacting most of us so its stressful, and kids can stress you. But that is normal and sometimes I think its too much for my H. When we first started reconciling he was the old person I knew, happy again, involved, .... lately he seems preocuppied, short tempered getting snappy with the kids, and just not enjoying life. He is absolutely careful to never direct anything at me telling me things like he appreciates me, loves me etc. But I'm thinking right now he's just not a lot of fun to be with so why am I doing this? 

Despite what he did to me, I'm trying to find joy in every day and finding ways to reconnect. For awhile it was great, so was that just a honeymoon period where he thought he lost me? Now that things are working out again he's right back to where he started before the affair. I am terrified we are headed down that road again, one which I know I can't do. I will bail before I allow that to happen again. 

I am hugely swamped at work so I know I am not always there but we need it right now and I work from home so physically I am here. But just trying to enjoy a softball game last night. I was really in to it, having a blast. He had a bad game and was throwing his equipment and just all pissy...I felt like telling him "stay home next time, don't bring me down". I didn't but ... I just kept trying to have fun. 

He got like this before and then thought he could make himself happy with another woman. Its like he hits this dark place cause life is a lot of pressure and I want to say to him "I went with you to that place before, but I paid a very steep price. I will not go there with you again. Only you can find happiness." Maybe that's the wrong thing to say...

I've tried to talk to him and he just says "We are great, really great. I have everything I want." But he's a proficient liar. He told me that before and yet he was sleeping with another woman. 

So is he hiding something? Or does he have issues with depression? or does the guilt way on him? or ?? The other thought that has crossed my mind is trouble from the other woman. I do know she has tried to contact him several times via email to "discuss something important". He told me about it and deleted without responding at all. She hasn't said what it is, is she up to something??? (she can't be pregnant cause he had a V). 

I don't know maybe its just one of those crazy feelings in this roller coast of emotions that is part of the healing process that's why I wanted to know if anyone else experienced anything like this?


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

I know you are right...its that checks and balance I need. I feel this way one minute and the next day I am feeling great. I can't trust my feelings right now they are all over the map.


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## TGolbus (Nov 3, 2008)

Mom of 2 - couple of things jump out....
1 - there is still a trust issue. He telling you that tow tried contacting him is a good sign. Make sure he know what transparency means from your side.
2 - ur H isn't a good liar. Look back on your story. You know what you know. Start to trust it. Don't jump to conclusions, read his behavior and body language and call him on it (ie - you are acting in ways that concern me). You have earned the right to do this, and frankly he should expect it and welcome it (each time he proves he is open and transparent trust will start to build).
3 - It appears there are still some things "missing" in your relationship. Him being edgy and you not knowing why are what I keyed in on. Him being edgy is ok if there is a reason you know and agree with. - Get a couple of books and read them together. They are easy reading, and light hearted (not always that intense relationship stuff). The first is Love Languages. Make sure you are both saing I love you with actions the other appreciates (ready the book and this will make sense). The second is Men are like Waffles and Women are like Spaghetti. Sorta funny - but really insightful on how men versus women think, react and approach things.
4 - It is ok for your feelig to be all over the map. You deserve it. Just don't "act" on your feelings. But do share them. When you are having bad thoughts of him and TOW, or anything along the lines - let him know. He should comfort you (and you might have to tell him why you have bad thoughs you want him to hold you, or to dissapear - whatever you want). If you bottle these feelings up, or think you aren't allowed to have them, you will resent him. 
Finally - make sure you are spending some time together in a fun/low stress way. At least once a week try to reconnect. Don't talk about bills, kids, daily life. Act like you are dating again. Work to fall in love again - to get to know each other. You both have changed during your marriage, and the recent trauma also has changed you. Take time to learn.
Good luck - and keep up the fight for your marriage.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I will be honest, I based my decision to abandon reconciliation recognizing that our 'process' would be too long, and from my perspective require far more investment on my part than it did hers. We figured two years, with her continuing individual counseling, in addition to couples counseling. And I recognized that there were no guarantees in terms of outcome. I am not living at our home, and had to take a one year lease based upon what I could afford - while still paying a mortgage. The thought of moving back home, our efforts failing, and leaving my kids a _second time_ is too much. We waffled on reconciliation at least two dozen times. In the end, I chose to take it off the table completely.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

TGolbus said:


> Mom of 2 - couple of things jump out....
> 1 - there is still a trust issue. He telling you that tow tried contacting him is a good sign. Make sure he know what transparency means from your side....


Thank you. I can definately do these things, and I will get both of those books. Its strange Friday he seemed in a grumpy edgy mood but was fine Saturday. He worked about 12 hours too, and then was fine we went to dinner and the kids wanted to go to the bookstore, it was a nice evening. Maybe I'm too sensitive and he was just plain tired...
You are right, he isn't a good liar. I do need to trust my instincts. Also when he's lying he doesn't quite commit to an answer. So if you ask him "did you ever..." you will get "I can't remember saying that or doing that" not a No! When he does that I need to ask him what he means, is it possible you did...
The missing something is harder to identify. He feels nothing is missing and is quick to tell me that. It is true that we are spending a lot more time together. Even when I'm working he will just ask me to bring the laptop in the same room with him. While we aren't really communicating he said he enjoys being close. We also make some time (at least an hour) to watch our favorite shows together every night after the kids go to bed and other things like that. He said that is what he missed and while that was part of the problem mostly it resided in him not appreciating what he had...
I just don't feel its that easy and may require more work to identify and put back in to our relationship.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Deejo said:


> I will be honest, I based my decision to abandon reconciliation recognizing that our 'process' would be too long, and from my perspective require far more investment on my part than it did hers. We figured two years, with her continuing individual counseling, in addition to couples counseling. And I recognized that there were no guarantees in terms of outcome. I am not living at our home, and had to take a one year lease based upon what I could afford - while still paying a mortgage. The thought of moving back home, our efforts failing, and leaving my kids a _second time_ is too much. We waffled on reconciliation at least two dozen times. In the end, I chose to take it off the table completely.


Did you make that decision because you did not feel she was putting in to it what you expected? Or did she try but you still felt that it would take too long and the risk was too great? 

I keep thinking I want him to do more...but I myself do not know what more is. What did you expect your wife to do that she didn't? In my case, he's willing to "do whatever it takes" and beyond what I have already said I'm not sure what will make me feel better and help the healing process so wanted to get another opinion.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Bottom line? I could not depend on her. I do not trust her. I am unwilling to continue putting my well-being and self-worth on the line for a relationship that I have lost confidence in. From my perspective, she was _never_ going to do the work expected of her as long as I was around. The original purpose of my moving out was to eliminate the tension, anger, and spite that had become common in how we dealt with one another, and was beiginning to impact the kids. She withdrew from me, I would try to engage her then become angry when she wouldn't respond. She withdrew further as a result of my anger. It was a vicious cycle. We went to therapy, at my request. She agreed to do the work. She chose not to do the work.

She chose to pursue another a relationship that made her feel good about herself, instead of focussing on the one that made her feel like she couldn't do anything right.

Time after time, I watched her make bad decisions, and openly lie to me. 

What I recognized, and she recognizes, is that she needs to do a lot of work. For me to have willingly and enthusiastically signed on for the long, tough, road of reconcilliation, she needs to become a different person. And that it is an expectation that I believe is unrealistic, and unlikely.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Deejo said:


> Bottom line? I could not depend on her. I do not trust her. I am unwilling to continue putting my well-being and self-worth on the line for a relationship that I have lost confidence in. From my perspective, she was _never_ going to do the work expected of her as long as I was around. The original purpose of my moving out was to eliminate the tension, anger, and spite that had become common in how we dealt with one another, and was beiginning to impact the kids. She withdrew from me, I would try to engage her then become angry when she wouldn't respond. She withdrew further as a result of my anger. It was a vicious cycle. We went to therapy, at my request. She agreed to do the work. She chose not to do the work.
> 
> She chose to pursue another a relationship that made her feel good about herself, instead of focussing on the one that made her feel like she couldn't do anything right.
> 
> ...


This was what I was worried about in the beginning, I did know that it would be a long road, and there is a price to pay for the actions he took. I wondered if he would be willing to fight that battle. What I could not tolerate is "its over now so you need to just get over it and move on". I was honest about that on day one and said that I am not able to just get over it. Its a process that will have ups and downs and he needed to be just as committed to me during the down times. He said he knew what he was signing on for and was willing to do whatever it took. I choose to believe that and still do. But doesn't mean I don't have those points where I think why am I doing this. What a roller coaster!

I can see your point, if she was not willing then there is no sense in going down that road and you deserve better than that. Why not heal and move on. You will find another relationship where someone is committed and sharing that committment will lead to a better future for you and your family too. By staying with her you prevent that from ever happening. I


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

AZMOM, I hope it works out for you. I'm still a sucker for a happy ending. My happy ending isn't the standard - but I do believe that she ultimately will be happy and it will have more value to her, because she created it for herself, instead of counting on someone else to do it for her.

As long as you believe that your husband has your back and you are doing it together, then you can rebuild and rediscover. I hope that's the ending you get.


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## bikergasman (Feb 25, 2009)

Oh my Lord, will the feeling of distrust and pain ever go away? I wish I could just forget HER infidelity. 
I hope, as you do, that time will heal the scars that you and I both have, that the pain of their intimacy with another person will disappear.
You worry about the intimacy, more than the sex. You know that you share your life, your hopes and dreams when you share your bed. 
Suprisingly, this is mostly not the same with affairs. Affairs, where the spouse wants to stay with their original partner, are about themselves.
In your husbands case, it may well be about sex (I am a male, I understand the male phsyce). The intimacy that you fear he has been sharing may not be that at all, it may be just about sex. Uncomplicated, selfish, sex.
Does that make it OK? - NO! However, does it make it easier to handle from an emotional point of view? -YES!
IF it's not just about sex, yes, OK you're in trouble. But ask him about it, the affair, and you will know.
Recriminations will not help. Either your are going to make it or not. if he is emotionally attached, forget it, you are wasting your time. But if he wants to make a go of your relationship, and you want that as well, then hold back on the sarcastic and cutting comments. If something happens that hurt you, a reminder of the affair or her, let him know but not in a negative manner. You will fell OK with that, he may be hurt but he will understand IF he loves you.
Good luck in sorting things out


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