# Are you disappointed?



## wantingmore01 (Apr 25, 2012)

Men: Are you disappointed if your woman needs direct clitoral stimulation during intercourse in order to have an orgasm? 

Why or why not?

Women: Are you disappointed with your body if you need direct clitoral stimulation?

I am still struggling with this issue, and the tension from it is a problem in my marriage. I can have PIV orgasms if we get a good grind going on, but they are not guaranteed/frequent.

My husband certainly understands the physiology behind female orgasms, but he can not seem to let go of PIV orgasms as the holy grail. When I can't orgasm this way, I end up feeling like my body is inadequate, which makes orgasm for me more difficult , and so on and so on...

I am trying to understand if my husband's view on female orgasm is a reflection of his own baggage, or is it somewhat normal for a guy to feel like he should own his woman's orgasm?


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Sometimes..... I think it's because some men have seen too much porn where the woman is having a screaming orgasm at just the sight of his throbbing manhood.... by the time he actually starts the in/out business she's multi-orgasiming and squirting!

Sadly (for these men and their wives) life isn't a porn movie.

I'll take a O in any way shape or form it cums in!


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

wantingmore01 said:


> Men: Are you disappointed if your woman needs direct clitoral stimulation during intercourse in order to have an orgasm?
> 
> Why or why not?
> 
> ...


 

I read this and thought, "ooh, I could learn something about how I think and do". It bothered me a little to have to rub her clit and pump her at the same time. I did think it was due to me, but she tried to assure me it was not me. It still bothered me though. I had a hard time concentrating on the proper pressure while I was getting more into the deed. It was something we needed to practice. 

I also did feel it was my problem if she did not orgasm. I don't know why. Lack of experience? I think it was more a lack of understanding the more modern ways of communicating and boundaries. Just me. :scratchhead:


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## goodwife4 (Jan 7, 2013)

you need to tell your hubby that statistically only 10% of woman have PIV orgasms. i just thank god that i am one of them and can do it almost 99% of the time .... or used to be able to when i was having sex ... ha ha

i only know one of my friends apart from me who actually has one during sex, the rest need help.

it is nothing to do with the man, the size or how long he takes ( maybe partly how long he takes)

he just needs to get past it and be happy you have one at all as some women NEVER have one at all

now thats sad


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

I'd say 'baggage' is a good way to describe it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

waiwera said:


> I'll take an O in any way shape or form it cums in!


Woohoo! I'll second that. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

wantingmore01 said:


> Men: Are you disappointed if your woman needs direct clitoral stimulation during intercourse in order to have an orgasm? no
> 
> Why or why not? sex should be about comunicating what you like and then doing it to eachother.
> 
> ...


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

waiwera said:


> I'll take a O in any way shape or form it cums in!


Me too.  The sad thing is I've never seen my wife having orgasms. It's a kind of her thing only.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Quite the opposite. My wife's clitoral glans has no nerve sensation, and it never has. She's highly orgasmic, and is _very_ penetration centric.


I'm not going to lie, the lack of outer clit stimulation doesn't pose a problem. It puts more emphasis on penetrative activities, which allows far more opportunities for us to orgasm together. There isn't a lot of "you cum, then I cum" in our marriage. In this regard, I am super spoiled, and can no longer really fathom a sexual life with a woman who is limited to only one way of getting off. Yes I know that is most women, just speaking from my own perspective.

The only down side is that oral sex on her is very rare. For her to enjoy it, she must be penetrated by my tongue, and too much of this is tiring, at best, and painful at worse. But it's such a minor quibble.

I think we both would experience some disappointment, and a real sense of loss, if she woke up tomorrow and was "normal". We like the freaks of nature we are!


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

The only way my wife can orgasm is through clitoral stimulation unless she is on top (and I kiss and suck her perfect small breasts) or she is really ready before I enter. That does not disappoint me at all. We can use a position where I can use my finger or she can use a vibrator. As long as she is having an orgasm, as long as I can hear moan with delight, who cares? I will gladly do whatever it takes to please her because it turns me on to turn her on, especially when I give her oral...LOVE IT!


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

wantingmore01 said:


> Men: Are you disappointed if your woman needs direct clitoral stimulation during intercourse in order to have an orgasm?


Nope. Been with many women and each of them cums differently. Some could only cum by doggy style, some could only cum by women on top style, some wants PIV until they're about to climax, and finished off by fingering.. many many varieties. Variety is the spice of life 

But there is one similarity..They would be much more upset if THEY cannot make you cum, rather than the other way around.

For many women..the feeling of intimacy, of being loved, of being needed, of being in control of their sexuality, is more important than the physical orgasm itself. (off course this is just a generalization. Maybe there are woman who value the physical orgasm above the other needs mentioned above. I just never met one).

BUT, many women will be very much upset if they cannot make their partner orgasm. It hits their self-esteem rather badly. 

(Again, this is just another generalization. I am sure there are women who will say "So, you cannot ejaculate? So what, not my fault that your d*ck is faulty. Goodbye!")


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## Lionlady (Sep 12, 2012)

john_lord_b3 said:


> .
> For many women..the feeling of intimacy, of being loved, of being needed, of being in control of their sexuality, is more important than the physical orgasm itself. (off course this is just a generalization. Maybe there are woman who value the physical orgasm above the other needs mentioned above. I just never met one).


Well, it's true that I value all of this, but if I was having sex on a regular basis without having orgasms, I'd get pretty frustrated pretty fast. I wouldn't say I value having an orgasm more than the things you mentioned, but I don't see them as being mutually exclusive. 

To the OP....no, I don't feel frustrated about this. I can almost always have an orgasm on top hands free because of clitoral stimulation, sometimes through missionary if I'm really turned on, again because of clitoral stimulation, and really never ever through any other position unless I'm using a vibrator. BUT PIV is just better...the orgasm feels better with stimulation of both areas. 

I sometimes do wish I could have orgasms from other positions, because being on top is a sort of dominant position, and sometimes I don't feel like being in control, but what my mind may want and what my body wants are two separate things.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Lionlady said:


> Well, it's true that I value all of this, but if I was having sex on a regular basis without having orgasms, I'd get pretty frustrated pretty fast. I wouldn't say I value having an orgasm more than the things you mentioned, but I don't see them as being mutually exclusive.


Points taken, Mrs. Lion. I should've added that a good man will always make best efforts to satisfy his woman. A smart man will establish good lines of communication with his woman, learning from her how to best satisfy her. Off course, ensuring success requires teamwork, not guesswork. If the man genuinely making efforts, but are totally clueless, and the woman does not tell him how, we cannot fault him for relying on guesswork, with predictably unsuccessful results!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Considering that up until the 1970's there was still scientific debate about the value of the clitoris, and doctors felt women needed to learn to give up clitoral stimulation in favor of vaginal stimulation... Your husband seems to be influenced by an "old white guys tale."

Vaginal or g spot orgasms typically require the woman to be highly highly aroused. Women who are multi-orgasmic are able to attain a g spot orgasm after plenty of clitoral stimulation. Those with ultra sensitive clitorises might need relatively few clitoral orgasms. In other words, try edging. He brings you very close to clitoral orgasms, but never reaching orgasm, a few times and then goes for the g spot O.

Also, positioning is important. Doggy style or reverse cowgirl typically tilt the pelvis in just the right way so his penis hits the g spot directly.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

wantingmore01 said:


> Men: Are you disappointed if your woman needs direct clitoral stimulation during intercourse in order to have an orgasm?
> Why or why not?


Absolutely not. My disappointment would be in her not having an orgasm.



wantingmore01 said:


> My husband certainly understands the physiology behind female orgasms, but he can not seem to let go of PIV orgasms as the holy grail.


The man’s orgasm at PIV should be like the grand finale in a fireworks show. Meaning – everything (for both partners) should be working up to that event i.e., the woman should have been brought to orgasm at least once or twice already.



wantingmore01 said:


> When I can't orgasm this way, I end up feeling like my body is inadequate, which makes orgasm for me more difficult , and so on and so on


He needs to understand this but you also need to take charge of your own sexual satisfaction. If that means straddling his face for some pre-game activity, riding on top, or manual stimulation of the clitoris during PIV you need to do that or see that he does it. Do you see the self-fulfilling prophecy happening where you don’t orgasm, you don’t enjoy the sex, you don’t enjoy it then ultimately he won’t enjoy it – ultimately it becomes a bothersome chore and there you go.



wantingmore01 said:


> I am trying to understand if my husband's view on female orgasm is a reflection of his own baggage, or is it somewhat normal for a guy to feel like he should own his woman's orgasm?


Nope, any guy who expects fantastic sex should not be thinking this way and vice-versa to any woman expecting the same. 

This evening I suggest you wrap your sultry and naked thighs around his face and quietly whisper in his ear "If you want to kiss the sky, better learn how to kneel - on your knees boy!"


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

SpinDaddy said:


> This evening I suggest you wrap your sultry and naked thighs around his face and quietly whisper in his ear "If you want to kiss the sky, better learn how to kneel - on your knees boy!"


So THAT's what Bono meant.


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## studley (Oct 19, 2011)

wantingmore01 said:


> Men: Are you disappointed if your woman needs direct clitoral stimulation during intercourse in order to have an orgasm?


Nope - doesn't bother me at all. Remember that at least 75 or 80% of women need direct stimulation to orgasm. I am glad she was able to orgasm at all.


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## ET1SSJonota (Dec 25, 2012)

wantingmore01 said:


> Men: Are you disappointed if your woman needs direct clitoral stimulation during intercourse in order to have an orgasm? Why or why not?
> ?


Not always. However, it has been an issue in the past.
Mostly due to my wife masturbating, particularly at times when I felt we weren't having much sex. I came to feel she preferred to masturbate. This was not an issue on a case by case basis, but more of a "build up" kind of issue. Think several months go by with only clitoral stimulation w/ toys being used, always same position, usually reading stories. After a while, I got to feeling like she masturbated, and then masturbated but I got to be inside her while she did it. Nothing was "with me". 

I also feel some sense of distrust from my previous marriage. I was cheated on multiple times, so I'm sure I carry baggage about my worth and generic self-esteem issues. I came to perceive our time together before marriage/first few years, where sex was basically daily with almost 100% PIV orgasms, that she either was "faking it" with me then, or had no interest in my now.

This hasn't been an issue in some time after many fights and finally maybe some good communication about it. I don't mind using toys/stimulation most of the time, and she makes sure every now and then to use "just me".


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Here, very interesting article which fits the title of this thread..

Page 2: Sex Study Says Female Orgasm Eludes Majority of Women - ABC News



> ...Elisabeth Lloyd, a professor of history, philosophical science and biology at the Indiana University.
> 
> Lloyd's study of 80 years of previous sex research in her 2005 book, "The Case of the Female Orgasm," debunked theories that there is an evolutionary reason for the female orgasm.
> 
> ...


Please read the entire article, both pages, not just my quote..


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## Daneosaurus (Dec 2, 2012)

wantingmore01 said:


> Men: Are you disappointed if your woman needs direct clitoral stimulation during intercourse in order to have an orgasm?
> 
> Why or why not?
> 
> ...


I didn't read any of the comments. But I bet its 2 pages of this:

The great, vast majority of women (we're talking 90%+ here) DO NOT orgasm from PIV (or PIA, or whatever the hell else) without additional clitoral stimulation. 

Think about cunnilingus - all the parts of the vulva are nice and do enjoy stimulation, but where does most of the action take place? - *The clitoris*. Many women who can't orgasm reliably during intercourse can do so during oral. Why is that? -*The clitoris*. PIV (soley) orgasm is far more likely if it's not the first orgasm...but why in the world would you not want do receive both sensations. 

So...yeah, the answer is simple. Tell your husband to relax, he's fine (and he CLEARLY does not understand the physiology of the female orgasm if he truly does feel this way. Nature doesn't bend to the will of man - we harness nature (through science) to help us with our lives.

For the record, the holy grail is the female ejaculation.


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## Quantmflux (Feb 6, 2013)

As a guy I can admit that yeah, it absolutely makes me feel inadequate if I can't bring a woman to orgasm from PIV and, as a result, is disappointing. And I do feel responsibility for her orgasm.

And yes I know every statistic and have heard every rational argument, but for whatever reason those feelings are programmed and its lousy. If you start with insecurities this compounds it and can actually lead to performance issues under certain circumstances. Where she can't get there from PIV but then I can't keep things going because I'm focused on that so there will be just no finish at all.

It seems the only way she can actually manage is manually with herself at the wheel. Of course these days it's all ancient history anyway (different story)

And @AM... Maybe the moral of your story is size does matter! That could be the missing piece of the equation (confirming the fears of less lucky guys the world over whose wives probably never use the adjective "huge"!) lol


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## Daneosaurus (Dec 2, 2012)

Quantmflux said:


> ...And @AM... Maybe the moral of your story is size does matter! That could be the missing piece of the equation (confirming the fears of less lucky guys the world over whose wives probably never use the adjective "huge"!) lol


Uh...IDK about this. I have never been complimented on my size (not small, just fairly average), but my wife is reliably orgasmic from PIV. It is ALL in her head. A few conditions need to be understood and met by the penetrating partner:

1. The clitoris is anatomically homologous to a penis. And the visible part of it is homologous to the glans (head) of the penis - it is in fact called the glans of the clitoris. This is by far the most sensitive part of the female anatomy, as it is significantly smaller than a penis, yet has nearly twice the amount of nerve endings. This explains why many women can't be touched there until very aroused.

2. The vagina has the ability to expand and contract, and will accomodate (fit) most penises, except extremely large or extremely small ones.

3. The clitoris is very large (internally). It extends from the glans that we all know and love, all the way down the vagina and ends near the anus. The G-spot (named after Ernest Gräfenberg - how awesome to have that named after you!!!) is located on the anterior wall of the vagina. It has been associated with both the Skene's gland (near the anterior fornix) and the urethral sponge. Palpitation of this can lead to intense orgasms. NOT ALL WOMEN ARE SENSITIVE IN THIS AREA.

4. As she becomes aroused, the G-Spot swells, similarly to the prostate (Skene's glands and prostates are homologues, after all) and it's through this that she secretes the fluids for vaginal lubrication (supposedly can lead to ejaculation as well during orgasm, though this has not been mine and my wife's experience). 

Basically, she needs to be very aroused. Make sure she has had an orgasm or two before you try to make her orgasm from PIV only.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

wantingmore01 said:


> Men: Are you disappointed if your woman needs direct clitoral stimulation during intercourse in order to have an orgasm?


Helllll no it doesn't disappoint me. That means we get to do more stuff! If I gotta follow the Mister with fingers, tongue, even toys, I'm gonna make that O happen for her.

If my wife doesn't O with PIV sex, that is in no way any sort of commentary on me, the Mister, or my skills in bed.

I know a lot of people have all kinds of hangups with different facets of sex. I definitely used to have them. But sometimes you gotta get out of your own head and remember that sex is supposed to be fun!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

AM2013 said:


> So maybe women used self stimulation too? I can only orgasm if my husband is on top. No clitoral stimulation, well, except his pubic bone rubbing against me. I think part of it is having the weight of his body on me. Smelling him, and moving my body in such a way to get the action going where I like it. Often our bed is in the middle of the room from us rocking so hard. LOL


AM, what you are describing is the magic equation. Your head is in the game. You feel secure, protected and connected with him on top, you can feel him everywhere and you can see his eyes and smell his scent. All of that is what gets your head in the game. His pubic bone grinding against you gives you enough clitoral stimulation so the last bit is in place for you to orgasm through what seems to be PIV but it's really clitoral.


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## Omgitsjoe (Oct 1, 2012)

I have noooo issues at all with my Mrs or any of my previous lovers having to stimulate themselves while we made love !!! If this adds even more stimulus and pleaure to her why would i stop her .............. if anything it's also a huge turnon for me since i get to watch her pleasure herself which often puts me over the edge !!!!


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